Front Cover
 Title Page
 July 4, 1877
 July 11, 1877
 July 18, 1877
 July 25, 1877
 August 1, 1877
 August 8, 1877
 August 15, 1877
 August 22, 1877
 August 29, 1877
 September 5, 1877
 September 12, 1877
 September 19, 1877
 September 26, 1877
 October 3, 1877
 October 10, 1877
 October 17, 1877
 October 24, 1877
 October 31, 1877
 November 7, 1877
 November 14, 1877
 November 21, 1877
 November 28, 1877
 December 5, 1877
 December 12, 1877
 December 19, 1877
 December 26, 1877
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00031
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00031
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page 5
    July 4, 1877
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    July 11, 1877
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
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        Page 21
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    July 18, 1877
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    July 25, 1877
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    August 1, 1877
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    August 8, 1877
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    August 15, 1877
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    August 22, 1877
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    August 29, 1877
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    September 5, 1877
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    September 12, 1877
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    September 19, 1877
        Page 117
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    September 26, 1877
        Page 127
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    October 3, 1877
        Page 137
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    October 10, 1877
        Page 147
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    October 17, 1877
        Page 157
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    October 24, 1877
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    October 31, 1877
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    November 7, 1877
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    November 14, 1877
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    November 21, 1877
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    November 28, 1877
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    December 5, 1877
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    December 12, 1877
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    December 19, 1877
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    December 26, 1877
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    Back Cover
Full Text



At i





T 'HE war was still going on, but a few slight diversions had taken place since last the high and mighty Emperor of Fun, Kaiser of
) U Kindliness and Sultan of Smiles, had chosen to interfere on behalf of both sides, and show what may be done by mediation if only it
9 come at the right moment, and be done in the right way.
The guns on both sides had turned rusty and gone off, and owing to the continuous reign of terror the soldiers of either army
had the greatest possible difficulty in keeping their powder dry. Their bodies, or at all events the outsides of them, were dust, their
good swords were rust, and many of the warriors would have wished themselves with the rest of the famous triplet had it not been that
in the first place they were unaware of it, and in the second "Trust" had been dead for some time. He was in fact very, very
dead, having been cruelly murdered by the belligerents on both sides, as any eminent financier of the reader's acquaintance will at once
inform him.
But for all this every soldier, no matter whether Turk or Russian, made up his mind to keep on fighting till he died; while one present
even went so far as to go still farther, and say that he would take twice as much killing as usual, especially with lemon and sugar, and the
complimentsh o' zhe sheashon."
Who was this mighty warrior ? Who, indeed F Who but our own special reporter and correspondent, who, with a gun on one shoulder,
a sword on the other, a breastplate on his noble back, a note-book in one hand, and a revolving pencil between his fingers, fire in his eye and
whisky in his flask, shouted, Come one, come all! Bat I am here; and I will do my duty, and tellthe truth, let the fictionists who sniff the
battle afar off, and stay there, say what they will of the carnage."
We will draw a veil over what followed, if only out of deference to the innate modesty of the Conductor of this Journal, who cannot
bear any of his contributors to be too highly spiced, or praised-except with hampers, &o.
0 *
Meanwhile matters at home had taken a turn. The world had gone walking mad, and everybody was pedestrianising. Gale had walked
a thousand somethings in a thousand somethings else and a pedestrian .costume; Walker's Dictionary and Walking Game's Tutor were the
only books allowed at school; Walker I was particularly the password of the police force; and a Grand International Walking Tournament
was proposed and accepted among the Grand National Newspaper Press, the winner to have three wishes granted him by the King of the
Fairies and the Earl of Beaconsfield, no matter what those wishes might be.
Besides the newspapers there were several potentates who joined in. One, two, three,-go I said the starter, and immediately Fun
went ahead, was never approached, and reached the goal, as everybody knew he would, hands down and in the commonest of canters; the
oldest inhabitant and the next greatest authority-the man who holds Benson's chronograph everywhere and at all times-saying Fus's
was the fastest pace and the best time on record.
And Fun's three wishes, dear reader-cannot you see what they were P Why, of course, that there should be no more war or bloodshed;
that those who were trying to drag England into dreadful trouble, and plunge her families into endless mourning, should be punished as they
deserved; and-oh! this was the wish !-that all the world would avail themselves of that glorious benefaction now offered to them in
right goodwill-
ute Unft-%Xfj Voln of ~te 5anaxz *tom of Afin,

AT Our Restaurant, 98
Awful Barbarities, 103
Autumn, 145
Angel Boy (The), 229
Asinine Apellation (An), 246
Another Atrocity, 265

BANK Holiday; or, Real Enjoyment, 67
Book Fiend (The), 94
Bricks and Mortar, 139
Bit of Blue Sky (A), 187
Barbarians I 189
Brave Prince (A), 200

CoMIC End (A), 26
Colorado Beetle (The), 56
Chit-Chat, 65
Charm of the Place (The), 136
Common Enemy I (The), 167
Couple of Dreams (k), 208
Capture of Kars (The), 226
Courts (The), 228
Convict's Return (The), 239
Conversations for the Times, 105. 109,
118, 137, 157, 173, 193, 199, 209, 227
Christmas Recipe (A), 247
Christmas Leaves, 250, 266
Christmas Revival (A), 256
Cases of Real Distress, 260
Conquest of India (The), 265
DRAMA of the Day (A), 17
Dreamer (A), 35
Double Scene (A), 89
Desirable Acquaintance (A), 103
Drama of the Day (A), 115
Dots by the Way, 116, 169, 209, 260
Differing Doctors (The), 173
Dream of the Ninth (A), 168
Diary of a Comic Writer (The), 198
Drama of the Day (A), 225
ENGLAND'S Unvarnished Heroes, 32, 36
Englishman (The). 143
Extracts from the Diary of a Respectable
Member of Society, 168
FAT Times, 7
Fitzcopper jMr.) at Home, 75
Fund of Compassion (A), 99
GOsCInEr (Mr.), M.P., 15
Garden Song (A), 44
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 31, 93,
187, 197, 248
Home Rule! 71
Holiday Maker (The), 78
Honeybubble's Holiday, 145
Honors on the Brain, 165
Human Worm (The), 236
Holiday Question (The), 266
INDIoo Blew, 138
Influential Deputation IAn), 257
Interview with the Home Secretary
(An), 261
JOKER'S Dilemma (A), 54
Just on the Cards, 143
Juvenile Pauper (A), 214
KAFOOZL.Em'S Blunder, 52
Le Mal Du Pays, 11
Long Runs, 35
Last Bulgarian Atrocity (The), 36
Legend (A), 98
Little Strangers 123
Lesson inin Life (A), 124
"Little Mistakes," 158
Lost Treasure (The), 205
Legal Sport: a Comedy, 234
Letters to the Editor, 245
Lays from Lempriere-
Ups and Downs of Ulysses (The), 21
Alectryon, 43
Sappho and Phaon, 86
Judgment of Paris (The), 155
Classical Showman (The), 213
Lucky Escape (A), 259
Modern Advertisements, 6
My Holiday Task, 22
My Changes of Opinion, 56
Mistaken Notion (A), 63

Mixture (A), 75 -
Modest Request (A), 84
Midsummer Madness (A), 84
My Books, 93
Model Lodging House,95
Moonstone (Thb), 129
My Pearl, 137
Money Sillibill's Mistake, 149
Maiden's Choice (The), 153
Mission of the Drama (The), 183
More about the Mission.of the Drama, 198
My Pet's Pet, 223
Music of the Past (The), 247
My Ambition, 265

NUisANcE (A), 24
Newspapers (The), 83
Narative of a Survivor, 153
New P. C. Regulations (The),'238
New Leaves, 12, 99, 179, 219
Next Year's Notes, 247

Ox Pastoral Poetry,'5
Out of Town, 25
Obscure Onnipotence, 66
Old St. Pancras Churchyard, 95
Only Preliminary, 109
Ordeal (The) : or, The Blank Company's
Only Drawback (The), 259

Parenthetic Paragon (A), 26
Potent Personage (A). 27
Penurious Poet (A), 33
Proof Positive, 57
Puzzles, 47
Poet's Love (The), 64
Providing for the Poor, 163
Puzzled. 195
Perfect Model (A), 197
Post-office Clerkesses, 213
Patriotic Song (A), 219
Poems on Pro's
General Utility Man (The), 13
Topical Vocalist (The), 53
Supers," 72
Copyist (The), 105
Music Hall Leader (The), 115
Provincial Landlady (The), 185
Mammoth Comique (The), 203

QUITE Overcome! 67
Queen's Speech (The), 76

REBECCA, or Innocence Personified, 69
Ridiculous Question (A), 113
Recognition," 237
SILLY Old Man (A), 16
Spread of Enlightenment (The), 23
" Slight Reverse (A), 46
Sense of Unfairness (A), 87
Sport and Earnest: or, All'the Differ-
ence, 184
Steam Laundress (The), 135
Sympathy, 144
Strict Journalistic Training, 161
Startling Story (A), 175
Several Boons, 178
Sempronia the Good, 194
Secret of Success (The). 224
Seasonable Song (A), 258

TELEPHONE (The), and how to apply it,
Two Walkers (The), 55
Thing I hate (A), 61
To a Dear Young Friend, 73
" Two's Company," 97
That Dreadful Thing War, 108
Tears, Idle Tears, 126
Topical Talks, 128
Tourist (The), 133
True to the Order, 169
That Editorial We," 174
True Story (A), 215

UNPLEASANT Remembrance (Anri, 23
Useless Nuisance (A), 118
Unkindly, 179
Unfortunate Journalist (The), 198

V.Rv Fit and Proper Persons, 62

WONDEBEUL Walking Match (The), 37
Weakness (A), 74
W. E. G., 207 .,
ZEAL of Sp j.,g (The),'47


ALL Abroad, 20
Anti-Vivisection, 64
At the Grosvenor, 65
All My Eye, 71
Atrocious 74
"As Good as He Sent," 84
"After" the Regatta, 85
All the Difference, 96
Above Price, 113
And the Best Thing TooJl 150
Artbreaking, 164
Among the Savages, 180
Au Courant, 214
Another New Pleasure, 259
BIT of Practical Advice (A), 68
Behind the Age, 147
British Tradesman (The). t10), 48
British Workman (The). (15), 58; (16),
CRY of Distress '(A), 42
Crafty Retort, 117
Cambuslanguage, 126
Custom of the Trade (The), 140
Christinms Charity, 249
Christmas Sketches, 250, 261
Christmas Resolution (A), 255
Cooking His Goose!" 257

"DAY in the Country (A)," 84
Dust and Ashes, 38
Discovery in the Distance, 76
Day Out of Town (A), 77
Dreadful Threat (A), 100, 176
Discouraging, 200
Drama of the Day (A), 233
Doing it Dacently, 237
Disgreeceful, 247
EGGSTRE.ME Measures,'136
Expectant, 166
Epidemic (An), 227
Enlightening Him, 256
FIRST Principles, 12
Far Cry (A)," 41
Flowers of Speech, 94
Fitness and Pronriety, 146
Fluctuations in Value, 160
Flirtation Fan (The), 177
Five o'clock Tease, 206
Force of Habit, 220
Fall of Cars (The), 223
Few Black Sheep (A). 238
GAME! 167
HEAD HirmThere 1 382
Hot" fDinner (A), 45
Home Thrust (A), 62
Hard on the Old Man, 187
Highland-Sport, 144
Highly Commended, 207
Hackneyed Portion (The), 210
IsrTITUTIose Peculiarly English, 18, 28
Irreparable Misfortune (An), 130
"In His Sleeve," 174
KEEN Observer (A), 14
"Knowledge is Power," 52
Kindred Spirit (A), 244
LITTLE Mistse (A), 75
Lucky Thou t (A), 184
Land of Good Taste (The), 230
"MUaDEr will Out," 15
Man and a Brother (A), 97
Misinterpreted Mummy (The), 120
Making Shore of It, 127

No Go, 31
--"Nor Custom Stale Her Infinite
Variety," 224
ONLY Course Open (The), 8
Our Poor Relatlon,'87
Our Water Supply. 110
Our Modern Babylon, 154
Our Gas Company, 217
Patent Washable, 61
P'inted Hint:(A), 72
Pashaw 134
Pleasant, 143
Practical View (A), 157
Partiality of Fortune (The), 170
Peg Back (A), 196
Preference (A), 236
Poetic Sympathy, 265
Retrospect (A), 106
"Repairs Neatly Executed," 216
Bight Man in the Right Place (The), 226
Rival Attractions, 234
"SPECIAL War" Edition, 11
"- Savage Beast (The)," 25
Spirit of Emulation (The), 35
So Very Young, 44
Set Down (A)," 54
Strong Evidence, 55
Seaside Sketches, 83
Some People Who Never Have Enough,
Slippery Subject (A), 93
"Signs of the Times," 114
Smith's Pedestrian Tour, 116
Superior Workman (A), 124
Some Cases Beally Deserving of Pity,
Seeing's Believing, 194
Sarcasm, 197
Small Deer," 243
"Strange Request (A)," 246
Song to Christmas (A), 250
Seasonable, if not Correct, 258
THERE'S Many a True Word, &c., 86
Topper (A)," 107
"The 9th," 187
Truly Terrible Punishment I (A), 204
Taking Advantage of It, 266
Tailor (The), 262
UP to His Weight I 51
Use and Hornament, 235
VERY Likely Not, Indeed! 186
WAITER (The) ; or, The Way of All Men,
"When Gentlemen Meet- ," 156
Wrong for Once, 248

ATTITUDE is Everything," 49
Atrocities at Westminster, 59
At the International Cattle Show, 241
BRITANNIA'S Holiday, 80
ClIRlsI'AS, 1877, 252
Cabinet Council (A)," 263
FIREWORKS H la Francaise, 201
GREAT International Glove Fight (The),
Gladstone (Mr) in Ireland, 181
"Is the Bay of Besika, 0! 19
In Bad Odour, 91
International Match (The). Taking
Lives, 120
LE Premier Pas -," 39
MICKLE-MESS Geese, 131
"Mad Dog I" 211
NATURAL Result (The), 29
New Russian Loan (The), 221
OsTi UCTION Skunk (The), 231
PROPOSED War Loan (The), 9
Pongo (Mr.) on "The Situation," 111
"Six of One and Half a Dozen of the
Other," 101
Sham British Workman (The), 191
VOICE from the Grave (A), 131
" Vive le Sport," 171
WESTMINST'ER Shooting Season (The), 69
"Where There's a Way There's a
Wilson," 157

WHAT bores are the bards who endeavour to gull us
By aping the airs ot that classical age
When Virgil and Ovid and flowing Catullus
Described the delights of the plains by the page.
These isles for a century nearly were flooded
With pastoral poesy, tender but slow;
And, reader, your grandmamma probably studied
The lyrics of Shenstone and Beattie and Co.
The bard is a shepherd," and pines to discover
Where sweet Amaryllis is tending her flocks" ;
Meantime, as a rule, the disconsolate lover
His trouble confides to the valleys and rocks.
The pipe that he carries to solace his roaming
For melody-not for tobacco-is meant;
And all the day long, from the dawn to the gloaming,"
It worries the echoes to any extent.
Such language is worse than affected or shady ;-
I never, I own, could exactly explain
Why a modern fine gentleman courting a lady
Should call her a nymph" or himself be a "swain."
Suppose it a sin- as it is-to play frolics
In prose or in verse with our dear mother-tongue-
The bards who committed those wicked bucolics
Are simply the biggest of sinners unhung.
The vapid conceits of their cooing and billing
Are elegant, maybe, if not very deep ;-
And, reader, I'm willing to bet you a shilling
'Twas only as chops that they cared for their sheep.
Their manners are less of the fields than the cities,
Their loves have a strong metropolitan taint;
And Nature, as found in the pastoral ditties,
Is Nature in patches and powder and paint.

Basement Benefaction.
A CONTBMPORARY of the kind which professes to know all about
other people's businesses, states that Major Geraghty has been
installed a Military Knight on the Lower Foundation, Windsor
Castle." On the lower foundation! Can that mean that he is a
knight only when down among the coals," a sort of Roland among
cockroaches, or Bayard of empty bottles ? They certainly seem to have
some strange notions of dignity on the lower foundation!

MARSHAL M&CMAHON's Ministry are putting down all political
leagues. OE course such as are Republican are illeagueal.
General Grant has had a private interview with the Prince of Wales,
and says next to his own country he looks upon our coming K- as
A merry K.
Mr. Layard denies that he has presented the Turks with 500 beds.
It would Lay'ard against our consciences if he had.
The Czar of Russia has developed considerable ability since he
arrived at the seat of war. It is called irrit-ability.
Particulars have reached London of a tremendous engagement at
Garbil. The accounts are naturally garbild.

Very Low.
A TRACT of over a hundred square miles in Barbary has been com-
pletely devastated by locusts." A suffering Barharyan, losing all control
of himself under his losses, was heard to say, as he exterminated one of
the depredators, that he had quite destroyed his low-cuss in quo."
A vigilance committee was at once put on the man's track, and before
sundown he was quivering a lifeless corse, as well as a frightful
example to all would-be witsters. (N.B.-Couldn't something of a
similar kind be inaugurated here for some of our popular

Scientific if not Satisfactory.
CEYLoN has 150 different species of palm trees." Thus read plain
young Brown in his favourite weekly. But," ruminated he," it's deuced
strange that not one of 'em produces the kind of palm oil so much in
use among policemen, summoning officers, and such like functionaries."
(This is a subject we don't at all understand; but if young Brown
was right, and we received such a recommendation with the remark
that we cannot believe him to be wrong, perhaps some eminent
naturalist will from his point of view inform ui why. Or, still better,
perhaps some eminent policeman will oblige from his.)

in Corpore Vili."
"A xAN who wishes to be healthy must treat himself as he would
treat his horse." So says the Herald of Health. We shall have no
objection to seeing the editor of that publication enjoying a feed of
hay or a bran-mash. We shall even have pleasurein giving him a dry
rub down with a wisp of straw, or in assisting him with a pail of water;
but until we have noted the benefit to be derived, we are inclined to
bridle at the very thought of a bit of such treatment. Neigh, neigh,
it whinny do for us.
AMh AOnirtA'T-1/N

AN1_______________ i oriM i IVIN.
A Non-Conductor. OH, in this time of awful heat
Sr on-Conductor 'Neath waving branches let me lie,
T investment of Kars continues." "And not at all a bad invest- A trickling brooklet at my feet
ment either," said old Mrs. Mullins. Why, there's young Brown And lots of gin and seltzer niab.
got his money in 'em and getting 15 per cent. already. And when they Let cooling breezes fan my cheek,
get the conductors to work for nothing at all a week, besides depositing And warbling songsters sing above,
10 each security, Mullins '11 be sorry enough he didn't take my And let me quick consumption wreak
advice and make his fortune, that he will." On all the ices that I love.

Haw I Hawley. Theatrical Mem.
THE author of Breezie Langton is announced to be writing a new So it would seem that Miriam's Crime was aftcr all only an act of Folly
novel for the St. Tames' Magazine. Whatever other claims this con-
tribution may have, it is sure to be Smart-ly written. MEN WH) HAVE MADE THEBa MARK.-Those who can't write.


6 F U N o [JULY 4, 1877.

I AM looking about for the loveliest spot
That this limited planet of ours can produce,
And a scene of the average beauty is not
(Let me hasten to mention) an atom of use:
I require such a spot as the rosiest dream
Never summoned to thrill the aesthetical mind-
Its ineffable loveliness, reigning supreme,
Must completely bewilder-must dazzle-must blind!
I've a glimpse now and then of the scene that I seek,
When my fancy conceives an industrious whim;
But the picture's uncertain, imperfect, and weak,
And its form's undefined, and its colouring dim.
I've a fleeting impression of midsummer haze
O'er a verdurous valley and blossoming heights;
Of a murmuring rivulet going its ways
With a song and a sparkle of diamond-lights.
Yet, enveloped in leaves, by the stream, by the road,
In this marvellous scene that I mentally scan,
There is ever apparent the graceful abode-
The luxurious home of ubiquitous man;
And whatever the change in the vision may be-
(For if memory serves me, I never have found
Any two of my visions precisely agree)-
These desirable villas are dotted around.
If you know such a spot, will you kindly address,
With price and particulars, full and complete,
And an accurate sketch of the landscape, to S.
Manufacturer, 70, Moneygrub-street P "
I will tell you the reason I'm anxious to trace
A retreat so serene and enchantingly fair:
It is not that I want to inhabit the place,
But I wish to establish a factory there.
THE advertiser wants a youth
Unflinching in the path of truth
And fearless in the right;
He must be affable and bland,
Of rather light complexion, and
About the middle height.
Abhorrence of the base and bad
Must be inherent in the lad!
His spirit must aspire
And look with withering disdain
On base and sordid worldly gain
And mercenary hire.
His parents, be it understood,
Must not have earned a livelihood
By any lawless means:
He must be able to refei
Inquirers to his minister;
And must be in his teens.
The advertiser also seeks
A maiden on whose guileless cheeks
The timid blush would play,
On knowing there was any man
Within a shorter distance than
A dozen miles away.
The maiden must, he need not say,
Attend her chapel ev'ry day,
Be dutiful and chaste,
Of graceful mien and sterling worth;
And bring certificate of birth ;
And dress in perfect taste.
These two are kindly asked to come
And pay a very trifling sum
To learn the telegraph,
Most lucrative rewards to win;
Proficiency is certain in
One lesson and a half.
WnERE the ever-bounding ocean wakes the echoes of its caves,
And the weed-encumbered boulders strew the tempest-beaten strand ;
Where the cliffs in solemn glory rise, majestic, from the waves
There are ninety-seven acres of invaluable land:

Where the wailing of the petrel makes a treble to the breakers
And the wrecks of shattered vessels lie and moulder in their beds,
There.are valuable fences round the ninety-seven acres,
And;a farm and splendid stables, and a double line of sheds.
For thearoaring of the ocean on its solitary shore,
And the wailing of the petrel-oh, they ever shall endure;
And the cliffs in solemn glory shall arise for evermore;
And the weed upon the boulders makes a capital manure.
Oh! the gull shall wheel incessantly, a snowy-breasted flyer,
And the vessels roll and tumble with the foam about their prows;
Ard the horses can be purchased at the option of the buyer
At a proper valuation-and the same about the cows.
Let the mighty ocean tumble, unrestrifced, hollow, grand;
Let the gull continue wheeling and the petrel wail in fear;
While the wonderful fertility there is about the land
Will secure to any purchaser a dozen crops a year I!
And the mariner shall hie him to his labour, danger scorning,
And his family shall think of him in sorrow and in tears;
And the ninety-seven acres will be sold on Monday morning
At the "Mart" at ten precisely, Brown and Buffin auctioneers.

eBSEo riAJe 'x. OULD JoCL _7
{ ,rn-I
.. A


All of a Piece.
IN a paper called Capital and Labour there is an advertisement of a
Steam Hammer Works at Openshaw, which states that there are
always from sixty to one hundred hammers usually in construction,
3d. each. 2s. 6d. per dozen, post free." And a very seasonable
present," too, to receive by first post at breakfast time, is a dozen
steam hammers; and cheap withal. If this (as our special Capitalist and
Labourer have just informed us) be wrong after all, the joke, though
Capital in conception, is likely to be extremely Laborious in execution.

Fryteful Proverbs.
PRocEEDINns have been commenced against Mr. Fry, the church-
warden of St. Tooth, at Hatcham, for removing goods from the church.
From the Fry to the fire is such a little way that a martyr's church-
warden ought willingly to hold all at steak for his proprietor. This
may, however, seem too fat-to Fry."

WHEN Mr. Jefferson leaves the Haymarket Mr. G. F. Rowe will
succeed him with Brass. Of which sort we are not told; but as it is
said that Mr. Rowe will supply it all himself, and has still enough on
hand, friends at a distance may make a shrewd guess for themselves.
Anyhow, let's hope the playgoing public will receive this really clever
comedian d Brass ouverts.

Brummagem Brilliance.
A BRIGHT idea: To ask the senior Member for Birmingham to
unveil the statue of Cobden. A Brighter: To give consent to the
SHAKESPEARE'S IDEA or ECONOMY.-" A tanner will last you nine
years."-Samnlet, Act V., Scene 1.

To prevent the Suez Canal locks being broken: Try a Key dive first.

Junx 4, 1877.] FUN. 7

SiB,-I am an athlete, and would fain crave from you advice and
assistance, which do not seem to be forthcoming from the sporting
papers. Daring the past month I have laid out large sums in books
of training, and on trainers. I have taken the advice of all, no matter
how conflicting-and I may say here that doctors never yet did dis-
agree like trainers-but so far have experienced no relief. My
ambition was to ran a hundred yards in ten seconds, as I have so often
seen recorded in the papers, and at first all was merry, and I was
about to become a champion, when it was discovered by a writer on the
sporting press that running is much faster now than it was," and on
consultation, my trainers decided that ten wouldn't be good
enough, and that I should have to get inside it" to become a real
right down flyer." Oh, sir, only fancy getting inside ten! though
how it's done, or from which side, I am still as ignorant as I was at
the beginning, after all my agonies.
But suddenly there came a new phase in my troubles. I happened
in my pedestrian ardour to take up.a copy of Bell's Life, and there saw
all my trainers stand confounded as to treatment, and the newspaper
writer who said that running. is much faster now than it was"
utterly confuted.- Imagine my distress-I, who had so vainly tried to
" get inside ten "-when I read in the ancient and, above all, time"
honoured columns of Bell that-
George Seward was, when in his prime, an extraordinarily muscular man, stand-
ing about 5 feet 8 inches. He could, after partaking of his breakfast, a pint and
a half of milk and four pancakes, run easily 100 yards in 9A seconds, and we have
timed him so to do frequently.
Of course, it was but the work of a moment to rush to a neighbour-
ing restaurant and order a pint and a half of milk and four pancakes.
And though I had already breakfasted in one of the manners pre-
scribed by modern trainers (which only agree in the fact that they
differ entirely from the Sewardian doctrine), I struggled manfully with
the milk and pancakes till not a vestige of either remained. But it
was of no use; and though I have tried this diet over and over again,
have alternated the milk with the pancakes and the pancakes with the
milk, have mixed them together and taken them at once if separate,
my maximum of speed has never been better than ten seconds for a
full hundred yards-a beggarly rate that won't bear thinking of.
Dear sir, do pray do something to assist me. Help, I entreat! I may
inform you that a letter has been sent to the editors of the Field,
Bell's Life, Sporting Life, Sportsman, and Sporting Garbage, all of
which take great interest in athletics and their promotion, but has
been most injudiciously and unaccountably refused insertion in all.
And so I send this to you, knowing you will do your best to assist me
in my difficulty and at the same time show how unfair to a rising man
are the sporting papers.-I am, &c., LEGS TALIONIS.
EDITORIAL NOTB ON FoREGOING.-We have no notion whatever as
to the real facts of this case, but feel sure the writer has received
injury somewhere. Several of our own athletes having read the letter,
expressed an opinion that it ought to be published, and that we should
at once and for ever solve the milk-and-pancake mystery. And so we,
as we wish to oblige all classes, inserted the letter, though it is not a
bit in our line, and submitted the question to a committee of noble-
men and gentlemen well versed in sporting matters who happened to
be on the spot. We have, therefore, much pleasure in laying before
our esteemed correspondent the following duly signed and sealed
Opinwsn.-We, to whom has been entrusted the task of settling this
knotty point of pedestrianism, having duly received evidence and care-
fully weighed all conditions, believe that you must (1) boil your milk
in the outer-case of the watch and (2) fry your pancakes with
the "movement "; the spider hand having (3) been employed subse-
quently to clean out the interstices and pick the pedestrian's teeth,
it will (4) be possible for him to run a hundred yards in any time (on
the watch) he likes.
And now we hope our correspondents and the great loggerheaded
portion of the athletic world are both satisfied.

No Better to Hand.
FRao several sources we have received cuttings of an advertisement
which states that a ship about to sail for Melbourne carries a surgeon
and a cow." Why P and why ? and why P we are asked, over and
over again. Because the projectors evidently thought the calves who
have already shown such an interest in the transaction might be pas-
sengers and require bleeding and suckling on the way. This is the
only available reason, and we are not at all sorry we can't give our
interlocutors a better.

GOOD Motto for Lord's: Put not your trust in Prince's.

WHEN on a sultry summer night
One quits the garden's grateful shade,
To hear a lecture, see a sight,
Or watch some special drama played,
'Tis sad to find the entrance barred
By some sleek hireling honey-toned
Who smiling says (which makes it hard)
"The entertainment is postponed."
In life how oft, eschewing ease,
And all the things that bring us joy,
We struggle on againstt tide and breeze
To win some long forbidden toy.
The goal's in view, the prize is nigh,
The weary labour is atoned,
When, just as comes the crowning try,
The final issue is postponed.
Or maybe when we lie between
The neighboring shores of life and death
Prepared to quit this busy scene,
And pay the fare with all our breath:
A change in fate's decree we find,
Too soon our brethren wept and groaned,-
That little journey's just the kind
Of thing we like to have postponed.
The rule of all sublunar things
Its strict perverseness here maintains,
Our pleasures have the swiftest wings
While lazy crawlers are our pains.
That never fails to come and stay
Whose loss we would not have bemoaned;
The longed-for blessing flies away,
It's unavoidably postponed."

JoNEs. See that blind man crossing the road in front of that
omnibus ? Bet you a crown he's run over.
BROwN. Bet you a crown he gets out of the way in time.
JONES. All right. No shouting to him, mind!
BROWN. I'm blowed if you won't win- the driver don't see him.
JONES. He's down. Tip us your dollar !

A Shrewed Suspicion.
ALL the papers state that Shrewsbury carried off the honours in the
first innings of the cricket match between Nottingham and Yorkshire.
It is as well they are so unanimous, or the sceptical might be inclined
to inquire what the famous historical town meant by leaving its own
associations and going meddling, in an entirely new field, with counties
which concern it not. Our married man thinks that perhaps after all
Shrews' bury is only another name for Nottingham. (We have, since
he said it, discovered his wife was originally a Nottingham lambess.
This is ungentlemanly.)

A Stewpid Notion.
JONEs has been having a penitential time of it lately. His wife has
forbidden him to dine at the club, or anywhere but at home till that
new drawing-room suite she has her eye on is paid for. And he,
poor fellow, with a grim remembrance of the good things of hi
bachelor days and dinners, says that married life is indeed a time of
" sackcloth and hashes."

Private Means.
"HA! said Mr. Newview Reesh, late of Houndsditch, "I has
everything in my house tip-top, I has. I paid a tenner extra for that
there planner, I did, solely because the whole of the action should be
strung by Private Wire' that you reads about so much in the papers

True Patriotism.
ANTWERP is being put into a complete state of defence. The river
is constantly Scheld, and the hotel-keepers have expressed their
intention to charge till the very last.

A HOLus SsBJEcr.-Army Reform. (And a Hackney'd one as
AN UNDAUNTED GARRISON.-Mr. Anti-Slavery Garrison.

SFUN. [JULY 4, 1877.

"Fine bit of shed, that !" said our Sketcher. Grand-so magnificently dilapidated!" "Ha I A Foe ?"

"Yea I !" The only course.

The friendly invitation. The Sketcher at peace.


FU1 N7.-JVLY 4, 1877.


/ >4-.
- I




SAtZ \


* -


JULr 4,. 1877. U- N 11

I LEFT my home that I might roam
Far off in sunny climes,
But ne'er forgot, though changed my lot,
The joy of olden times.
And often when the haunts of men
Were few and far between,
I turned my face and wept the place
Where spent my days had been.
P I chose a stile beside the Nile
To think of Camden Town,
And visions fraught with Redcap brought
The tears my cheeks down.
'Neath- southern skies my mourning eyes
Were east to things afar,
'Twas in Touraine I felt the pain
Of missing Temple Bar.
Themorning light dispelled the night,
And bade my sorrow cease,
Butsombre eve would make me grieve,
And all my woes release.
My mind recalls Niag'ra Falls,
And how I stood beneath,
And thought how sweet a moke" to beat
Once more on Hampstead Heath.
Where.glaciers high assail the sky,
And snows eternal reign,
I felt a wish to taste a dish
Of whelks in Drury-lane;
.Beside the Rhine my heart did pine
o To.seek my native dell:
No more to roam, I'm safe at home
In lovely Clerkenwell.

A Trick.Act.
ThE Crown Princess of Germany has been ordered to
Blankenburg "for the benefit of the sea bathing there." a F a .d
For which the bathing. will, we trust, be duly grateful. Zyo
Our Mrs. Juggins, on hearing the announcement, said
they might as well have just mentioned "the berg,"SPECIAL WAR" EDITIONS
as to leave it Blank; but perhaps they're afraid, as if a SPECIAL WAR EDITIONS.
crowd assembled there wouldn't be room for the Crown "SP.CI LEDI-SHvN. GREAT BATTLE 'TWEEN THBTuRic AND THE ROOSHUNS.
Prance, as she've heerd so much about. ONE MAN KILLED AND WOUNDED AND TWO TAKEN PRISONERS! "

FIRST Awxious HOLID&Y-MAxR. I say, I've got a month's holiday! SHOULD the reader care to seek, why upon a mountain bleak I am
-will you come somewhere with me ? squatting near the sky, I will frankly tell him why. Tie the exigence
SECOND DITTO. Yes ; where shall We go P of rhyme which has cost me years of time, ever out upon a quest
FIRST DITTO. Well, I thought of going through Paris to Yienna, leaving me but little rest-doomed to seek a fitting word, rhyme to
and along the Danube, to see something of the war. "orange "-search absurd! So I came to Abergany, and I hadn't
SECOND DITTO. Good. But couldn't we go somehow so as to see fitted any, till I lighted on a hill which surrendered to my will.
St. Petersburg and Madrid as well P At the fair of Aberga'ny
FIRST DITTO. Not well; but I fancy I should like to get back so as I, extravagant of pelf,
to get a week in Scotland.
to getweek y ine Scotanda e Bt ought an orange for a penny,
SECOND DITTO. Well, if you can manage to make it awalkingtour now uht an orange for a penny,
SFIsT DITro. Couldn't walk, but I'll do a good bit of the journey And I ate it all myself.
on horseback. Orange," said I in my rapture,
SECOND DITTO. I don't like riding. Poets cannot sing thy praise,
FIrST DITTO. No; we'd better go by train. When shall we start ? Just because they cannot capture
SECOND DITTO. To-night! Fitting rhyme to weave their lays."
FIRST DITTO. Oh, I can't be ready for a week; besides, now I come At the back of Aberga'ny
to think of it I shall go to Norway and Sweden. Looms a mountain huge and tall;
SECOND DITTO. No, don't do that. Look here, if you'll make it Of the man who took my penny
Iceland, I'll go with you; then we can go to the North Cape and see Asked I what that hill to call.
the midnight sun. Well," says he, "you've ate your orange
FIRST DITTO. Ah, that would be jolly; but wouldn't you like te go (Better have a pen'orth more),
up the Rhine? That there hill be called the Blorenge;
SeCOND DITTO. No, it's so stale; but I shouldn't mind a tour Thought you know'd it's name afore."
through the Black Forest. Let's go there.
FIRST DITTO. I say, let's go right away to the East-Constantinople,
eh! It would be something to say we'd been there, wouldn't it P A Flimsy Pretext.
SECOND DITTO. 'Fraid of fever. It's awf ally unhealthy. I think A coNTEMPORARY says that one day last week over 10,000 of the
a long sea voyage would do us most good. Let's take a trip to America. metropolitan volunteers were under arms and not a fatality occurred."
FIRsT DITTO. No. Look here, old fellow; I've been thinking the This, it must be admitted, is rather depressing, and says little for the
Missis 'll expect to go somewhere. So I shall take her to Margate. utility of our civilian soldiers. Why, if a thousandth part of the
SECOND DITTO. Well, if you won't come with me, then I shan't go number of penny-a-liners could only have been gotten together, there
abroad by myself. I shall go to Broadstairs, and p'raps I'll run over would have been enough brutal murders to follow for half a dozen
and see you one Sunday. editions. But then they have been properly educated to their pro-
FIRST DITTO. All right. Bye-bye! fession, while the others are, after all, only amateurs.

13 FUN.

[JuLY 4, 1877.

Son of Erin (hastily):-" SHooR I'D WARRUM THE THERMOMETER, SBOB!"

strong of Purpose (Charing Cross Publishing Company) has an un-
usual advantage over the productions of literary young ladies as a rule,
and more particularly of those who think they serve a great purpose
by writing down in novel form-a form anything but novel-their
experiences, and reflections thereon. It is in one small volume, set in
large type, an example we cannot too strongly recommend to Miss
Mudge's sisters of the pen. The story is also much clearer and more
connected than the generality of this sort of production, and if there
were only schools for the study of literature as there are for the
study of art, Miss Mudge might yet take honours in the profession
for which she has declared. As it it is, that same profession doesn't
just now seem to possess .honours for anybody; the profits being not
infrequently like those in the great and famous business of Sawyer
late Nockemorf.
The Arctic Expedition (Warne) is a narrative of the latest attempt
to discover the Pole, and though published in a cheap form has both
maps and illustrative designs. The expedition has heen characterized
as at once a gigantic success and a lamentable failure, according to the
view point of the critic for the time being; and now that the first
enthusiasm has worn off, the most roseate of spectacles hardly gives a
pleasurable view to England's recent northern venture. On the
other hand, the brochure now issued shows that even what was done
entailed a lot of suffering and was productive of an amount of heroism
which can hardly enter into the philosophy of those who grumble at
the ill success of the exploring parties, and, comfortably ensconced at
home themselves, look upon icebergs, floes, and frozen seas as
Mary of Burgundy, which comes from the same firm, is so old a
friend that we need only mention its re-issue in cheapest form to
ensure quite a rush of purchasers.
P. P. Bliss (Longley) is in no way identical with the sort of thing
known by a similar name among racin. men, bookmakers especially.
Nor is 'it a specimen of bookmaking of quite another kind. It is a

memoir of a good and clever man, who perished bravely in the most
horribly disastrous railway accident known, that of Ashtabula, U.S.
Mr. Bliss was the author of many well known religious songs, and, as
his biography is published with charitable intent, it is not likely to want
for subscribers. He might have escaped easily, but preferred staying
and dying by the side of those he loved to leaving them to perish alone.
Such instances of heroism should be as respected as they are rare.
Words of earning (Hamilton, Adams, and Co.) is an address in
prose and verse to the "Societies for Organizing Charitable Relief
and Suppressing Mendicity," by a veteran journalist and litterateur,
Mr. S. C. Hall. The story is well told and the verse far superior to
that which generally appears in pamphlets with a purpose. Mr.
Hall's zeal is evident, but-and no one will accuse us of being inclined
to favour Charity Organisation-we cannot help thinking he has
once or twice allowed it to outrun his discretion. The illustrations,
by Mr. W. J. Allen, are good.
Meetings and Greetings is a pretty little book which treats of the
"salutations, obeisances, and courtesies of nations," with notes on titles,
dignities, &c. It is oneof Mr. Tegg's variorum volumes, and comparison
paragraphs are at times as odd as they are humorous.
If William Caxton (Knight) had no other claims, it would be entitled
to consideration as a seasonable production. Mayhap there is some-
thing just now struggling somewhere for bare existence-like Caxton's
invention struggled-which may one day rival printing and the Press's
present gigantic position. Wonder what it is I Anyone who knows
will oblige by communicating at once.
Doing and Dreaming (Nimmo) is a tale for the young. It is not sur-
prising, therefore, to find it is better written, and much more sensible,
than the majority of productions ostensibly intended for the full-sized
and sane.
We have received the Second Volume of Design and WFerk (Purkess),
and can see no reason why we should withdraw an atom of the good
opinion expressed by us as to the First. Rather the reverse.
The magazines for the month possess not one original feature
among the lot.

JULY 4, l877.~ FU N .


IitlII ERCEIVE in me a seedy "pro"-
H A1 An actor of the minor sort,
Sij Who's ne'er allowed to mix, you know,
With players of a finer sort.
S Time was, before the boards I tried,
I'd soine respectability,
1. Butnow-a-daysmy clothing's guyedd,"
I \ 'm playing on the Surrey side
As General Utility.
When first upon the stage I went,
I- ,' thought of winning fame, I did;
I worshipped Kean, because I meant
To go and do the aI did.
,I I fancied I should shine, you see,
/ W With marvellous facility;
--. So, thinking soon a star to be,
I bound myself to Nelson Lee
As General Utility.
I lead a very chequared life-
A life that's most precarious;
I've several children, and a wife
Whose whims are multifarious.
SThe "gods" on me bestow their
Or rather, incivility,
And when the '"treasury" I seek
,oThey give me but a "quid" a week
For General Utility.
I've played "Bernardo" in a wig
That "Cousin Joe had sniggered

I've worn a.dress for Jacob Twig"
That lago mighthaveflgnred in.
Ac a ol.,n,. at. Christnmas time,
I represent senility.
I quit the realms of the sublime
To knock about in pantomime
As General Utility.
Oh, friends, have pity on my lot!
'Tis seldom Fate caresses me;
Come, stand a go of whisky hot,
For want of booze distresses me.
Were you to see me act, you'd say
I'd talent and agility;
So, grant me your compassion, pray,
For truly I've but little pay
For General Utility!

YOU'LL. doubtless wonder why it is I've given you a call,-
You must know that I'm the chairman at a well-known music-hall
I hammer on the table and announce each "artiste's" name,
And in knocking down their choruses" I've gained no end of fame.
CHORUS. I occupy the chair, boys,
By jingo, I'm all there," boys,
With my rap-tap, Order, please!"
I'm the Idol of the Hall!
When eight o'clock is striking, the performance I begin
With a sentimental song or two to sing the people in,
And having done my turn I take possession of the chair,
And all admire my shirt.front, showy studs, and curly hair.
CHonus. I occupy, &c.
The scrag-hole" boys play up their larks and interrupt the "stars"
Whenever the bands strike up a few preliminary bars,
But when I bring my hammer on the table with a "flop,"
They twig the anger in my eye and pretty quickly stop.
CHORUS. I occupy, &c.
The youthful swells that nightly come and lounge about the stalls
For numerous cigars and grog indulge in frequent calls.
I patronise them all around (a most successful fake),
For feeling highly honoured,.they all ask me what I'll take.
CHonus. I occupy, &c.
Besides, I'm always petted by all "artistes" of renown,
They know that I'm a "caution" in the way I knock them down;

I listen for their bits of fat," and knowing all their ways,
I gaily lead the choruses in all their leary lays!
CHonUS. I OCcupy, &0.
And often I contrive to make a trifle, you must know,
By treating with beginners, who have come to give a show."
And if I think their business good, and they're on parting bent,
I "shop" them all in turn, and get-say twenty-five per cent.
'.;.. [.C OCHORUS. I occupy, &o.
Whene'er I take my "ben." all noted artistes" gather round,
All lion-comiques, acrobats, and lady stars renowned;
My next occasion's advertised-so pray you, make a mem."-
We've got a drinking licence up till two o'clock a.m.
CHoRUS. I occupy, &c.
But now I think I'll take my leave, for time is getting on,
I must show up at the "Junction" ere my brother pro's are gone.
I'd like to get a toothful, mind you, as I go along,
So come'and treat the chairman to a drop of Irish, strong.
CnoRUS. I occupy, &c.

Cynical .Man's laughter.
AN account of a "fatal fray" in the South-country is thus given
by a local paper:-" Susands hit Parkhurst on the head, and died
almost immediately." Now, if this isn't a case of suiuide-whilst in an
unsound state of mind, our own coroner will be much obliged to
anyone who'll sum up the affair in itsproper light for him. And yet
they head the article "Manslaughter."

Doubly Dutch.
A NUMran of Dutch carpenters have been engaged by one of the
largest shipbuilding firms on the Clyde. They breakfast every morn-
ing on Dutch rolls, and it is singular the amount of Dutch. courage
which has been shown by native workmen since the arrival df the
foreigners. One of them remarked that the engagement was a ishy
affair, and the yard resembled nothing so much as a great JDutch

A LErns butcher has been sent to prison for six weeks for cruelly
beating a bullock. Out of evil cometh good, and for once it is satis.
factory to discover that the man who beat a bullock found he had
made a complete bull of it." This is a way of building a Bull of
Bash'un with a vengeance, and one we hope that will not be readily
WHY should the gambols of the young sea-lion be most properly
written "gambles ?" Because it is publicly stated that he and his
parent have their morning "pool" regularly. (Query.-Do they by
this at times endanger one another's lives "P)

Hessian Booty.
PRnNeR Louis has, by the death of his uncle, become Hereditary
Grand Duke of Hesse. We are in a position to state that this is an item
of court news which may be received without, the slightest Hesse-
A Varied Spell.
THE cow with a cough is a thing we have read of in our childhood.
It has been reserved for our maturer years to find an example of the
genus in that great and inscrutable chancellor-Prince Gortcha-kow
and Prince Gortcha-koff.

'Arry in "Parry."
'AnRY. I say, Jones, see this hotel advertisement, Cookery hours
ligne." It's bad enough to give us horse, but hang it, it's adding
insult to injury to say it's lean.

May Charing.
THn Pope has newly decorated His Imperial Majesty MaoMahon
the First. H. I. M. commenced to be done up on the 16th of May.

The Pot and the Kettle.
A REGULAa DBNTIST.-Our own itinerant, who extracts bruises from
pots and pans. (P.S.-Painless Dentistry this, by the kind permis-
sion of G. H. Jones, Esq.)
SBPIamn HOLIDAY RESORT FOR THE Sax."-Clackton-on-Sea.

JULY 4, 1877.1


SFUN. (JULY 4, 1877.

Little Girl:-" WHY DON'T YOU MARY SOONME, AaiEn "
THEM ; then they'll marry you."

BRIGHTON.-Just at present the town has a sheepish air. The
Best Restaurateur is Mutton and the Mayor is Lamb.
MARGATE.-Things look black here. The principal promenade is
quite Jetty. The local Board of Health are improving the air to
attract visitors. The local doctor certifies that he Kent imagine
anything better Thanet. (Weather quite so.)
Dovsa.-The aristocracy are arriving. There is a pier here
already. (Weather or no.)
YARMOUTH.-The season id commencing. Two School Board
visitors have been seen in the streets. Bloaters are shy. (Weather
tiddy fol lol.)
FoLxESTONE.-The steamer from Boulogne arrived here to-day with
several passengers. Mr. Smith of London was among them. The
Folkestone Folk's tone is elevated and moral. (Weather humbug.)
SOUTHlND.-The dlite of society are pouring in. The President of
the Amalgamated Chimney Sweeps' League and family have taken a
room for a week at the Juniper Berry Inn. (Weather promiscuous.)
LONDo.- With the exception of a few millions this town is now
quite empty. (Weather all sorts.)

THE new piece called Liz will doubtless have imitators. Sal and
rim will follow, you may .et a Bob.

Name! Namel
IT is said that "the Czar severely rebukes those Roumanians who
would treat him as a conqueror." A somewhat novel way of showing
that he comes there in all humility. But, like a Casar as well as a
true humourist, he wishes to show the docility and gentleness of the
Roman off.
A Shady Practice.
TaH Birmingham police are summoning all shopkeepers who leave
their awnings low enough to annoy passers-by. Let the London
offenders take wawning in time.

Do You Sea P
AT the seaside the hotels treat visitors like periodical literature.
They take them in in numbers.

A HAUGHTY-CULTURAL FETB.-One at the Botanical Gardens.

Now Ready, the Thirty-Second Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. Sd. each.

Extra 80t0og

kSuit all H!nds aVd
o Anon rzornus

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I tt

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Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's MHi, Dootors' Commone, and Published (for the Propadetors) at 158, leet-street, E.O.-London, July 4, 18T7.

I JLY 11, 1877.] FU N 15


AT the earnest request of the Liberal Party, Dr. Fun recently
called upon Mr. Goachen at his private residence to examine the state
of his mind. It is needless to say that his extraordinary delusions
with regard to the County Franchise had seriously alarmed his friends.
The following conversation took place :-
Da. FUN. My dear Goschen, your party are very anxious about
you. What the dickens do you mean by saying that the extension of
the franchise would cause Parliament to be blown up, London to be
burned down, and a commune to be established at Birmingham ?
Mn. G. I'm very nervous, doctor, and out of sorts, and I see specks
before my eyes, and I fancy awful things.
DR. FUN. Yes, my dear fellow, I guessed as much, but it's a very
serious thing for you as an ex-Minister to get up and talk this non-
sense in the House.
MR. G. Oh, don't be angry, doctor, or I shall cry. My digestion's
out of order and I'm very nervous.
DR. FUN. Exactly. Now tell me what do you think would be the
result of our interfering in the present war P
Mn. G. Oh, I think Russia would beat us, annex Ireland and
Scotland, send the Queen to Siberia, and shoot the Duke of Cambridge
and all the military prisoners on Hampstead Heath.
DR. FUN. Ha, just what I thought. Now, if capital punishment
were abolished, what do you foresee P
MR. G. Don't talk about it. Corpses would line the principal
thoroughfares, the average age of man would be 18, and I should
wear a coat of mail and a helmet.
Da. FUN. And the Burials Bill, George-now, what about that P
MR. G. If the churchyard is open to the Nonconformists and
everybody else, I foresee cancans danced on tombstones, and Christians
buried with the obscene rites of the savages and the hymns of the
modern music.hall.
DR. FUN. Poor fellow Now, look here, George, I see what's the
matter with you. Take a blue pill, leave off wearing that chimney-pot
hat, have a Turkish bath or two, and get away to the seaside for a

couple of months. Only, when you feel this sort of thing coming on
another time, pray stop at home and jabber to yourself.
MR. G. I will, doctor, I will.
Da. FuN. You see we know it's indigestion, but the other side
don't, and we can't afford to have you exhibited to the country as
" another split in the Liberal Party." There, no thanks, get out of
town as quickly as possible, and don't do it again.

PURPLE skies of even over
Tender twilight shadows sweep,
As among the fragrant clover
She and I our vigil keep.
Dark and light together meeting,
Swiftly to each other fly,
And exchange the lovers' greeting;
Ditto, ditto, she and I.
Now the tints are growing deeper,
Quickly fades the dying day,
Darkness comes to soothe the sleeper
Weary with the ceaseless fray.
By the stile the lad and maiden
Breathe the slowly said Good-bye
(Words with gentle sorrow laden);
Ditto, ditto, she and I.
See, the East gives golden warning
That another day hath life,
With the joy of early morning
All the teeming land is rife.
Earth and sun their vows have plighted
In their wedlock's mystic tie-
They are lovers re-united;
Ditto, ditto, she and I.



'MiD all the nasty things that come to make our tempers smart
It's very nice in middle age to have a childish heart,
To feel-although you've got a house, and taxes coming due-
The little joys of early life possess a charm for you.
My boys and girls are growing up; I'm fifty in a day;
And all the hair that time has left has turned a doubtful grey;
And yet I jump and skip about and sing a song of glee,
Because we're off to spend a month beside the sounding sea,
Where I shall wear my holland clothes, and tuck them up anrd wade,
And buy myself an air-balloon, a bucket, and a spade.
I've packed my box and corded it, and eeen my boys to bed,
And now I'm in the drawing-room and standing oni myyhead;
I really can't contain myself, I shout and rub' my hands,-
OhN won't I build a castle with a moat upon the nards I
1 9low this week I've lost a lot of money upon 'Change,
I Ktow the kitchen boiler's burst and spoilt the kitchen rarige,
Slikitow my wife declares she wants another hundred pounds,
And r should weep and tear my hair because I've ample gorbunds;
But visions of to-morrow's bliss bid all my sorrows fade,-
There's comfort in an air-balloon, a bucket, and a spade.
I,ouaht to be a solemn chap, and dress in black, and frown','
Ai'd do as other fathers do when going out of town:
I ought to count the cobt of it, and look extremely tiled,
Arid swear that all the packing-up will send me nearly wild.
And wlen I reach the lovely sea I ought to take a seat,
Or *wal0i about a mile a day and grumble at the heat;
Bt oC I can't contain myself, I'mt off my head with joy,
Ad ,i6n't I get my trousers wet and be a naughty boy,
For I liall wear my holland clothes, and tuck them up and wade,
And buy' myself an air-balloon, a bucket, and a spade.


S HERE! We'll be bound
t6 say thiat the inventor
S' Wbf&ffnd ul con-
g >. C t trivance which is bringing
itself into notice in
-1- I America has no idea what-
ever of the real end and
mission of his discovery.
It has remained for our genius
alone to invent the application
of the invention, and in so doing
we cannot but feel that, magnificent
as the cleverness of the gentleman
S \ referred to may be, ours completely
4'^- 1 n puts it in the shade. So impressed

not at all sure that we shan't lay
claim to the whole discovery
straight off I If we do not, we shall
be prevented only by motives of
The Telephone (together with
some great mind to discover its
mission) is the one thing which has
long been wanting to sweep away
the remaining social flaws and diffi-
culties, and to put everything right
everywhere; it will be found an
invaluable acquisition in the draw-
ing-room, an indispensable com-
panion to the quiz and the eavesdropper, and an incalculable boon to all.
Here are a few of the modes of application.
No. 1.
A private drawing-room. Amateur musicians entertaining the
Miss BROWN (on one side of the performing Tenor and at one end
of a Telephone, to Miss Green on the other side of the Tenor and
at the other end of the Telephone). How vilely that Mr. Uskie does
sing, doesn't he ? Isn't it absurd to hear him try that C!
Miss GREEN. I wonder he isn't ashamed to stand up! And what
a fright he is, to be sure! Look at his coat-tails, do."
Miss BRowN. I've heard that he offered himself to sing at a con-
cert and was given in charge on the spot.
Miss GaEEN. His hands are too immense !
Miss Baows. I hate music- especially singing; don't you ?

Miss GaREN. Yes, awfully-especially te'ior singing; don't you?
Miss BROWN. Yes,' so much-especially Mr. Uskie's
Need we point out how great a solace the Telephone will be in such'
cases as this ?
No. II.
Flitter is simply incorrigible! The only thing which has the
power to reduce him to reason is the commanding voice of Mrs.
Flitter, though, it is true, this at times reduces him not only to reason,
but to terrified and grovelling obedience, helpless submission. Once
out of reach of this voice, however, Flitter is impossible to restrain;
he gives full licence to his abandoned inclinations, dines with Chuckler,
stays out till eleven at night, smokes, plays billiards! Nothing cant
keep him within bounds, he is a not-to-be-restrained torrent, an un-
controllable whirlwind. In his ruthless insanity he has promised that
Chuckle to accompany him to Boulogne for a week's outing and a
" spree." One dark night, when the voice of Mrs. Flitter is at rest,
he stealthily places a collar in a carpet-bag and sneaks off to Boulogne
with that Chuckler, smoking! For three days Mrs. Chuckler wonders
where he is; on the fourth she finds out. She writes him a tern ible,
terrible letter, ordering him home instantly, but she inwardly feels
that her voice cannot reach him! Aha! Flitter receives the letter
and actually lights his pipe with it! She has no power over him,
though her letters get more and more terrible. He stays on at
Boulogne with Chuckler. She cannot go to him owing to domestic
considerations. Affairs are becoming serious. Flitter is unbridled,
without check, whirling onward to destruction!
Goodness only knows how long he does intend to remain at Boulogne,
when, one day as he wanders by the channel filled with jubilant
defiance, he turns pale, starts and trembles.
Be has heard the voice of Mrs. Flitter through the terrible Telephone !
He crawls shivering on board the Folkestone boat and creeps home
that same day!
What further proof than this can be wanted to illustrate the
blessings of the Telephone?

--- "-

,f I('- ^ '"', ... ,

No. III.
Mn. OsNWEYAY (to Mrs. Onweeyay). I feel a little tired this even-
ing, my love. I think I will not go out. My presence will not be
required in the House, so I will have a quiet cigar at home and listen to
the debates.
(Lights his cigar, mixes some grog, chooses an easy chair, and
applies his ear to a tube.)
Mns. ONWEeYAY. Let me see, I really think I need not go out
either. The Joneses won't expect me, and the Dobbses are so slow, and

JuLY 11, 1877.]


the singing at the Bibbses is always so bad. I will have an even,.
at home and hear It Trovatore at the Opera.
(Chooses another easy chair and applies her ear to another tube.)
MR. ONWERYAY, JUNIOR. Dreadful bor. to have to put on my boots
again! I'll be hanged if I do. I'll just have a pipe here at home and
listen to the scandal at the club.
(Lights his pipe in the billiard-room and applies his ear to a tube.)
Miss ONWBEYAY. Why won't mammaa take me to see Pi k Domios ?
There must he something in it she. doesn't wish me to hear. I will
hear it !
(Reclineron a settee and applies her ear to a tube.)
MRS. ONWBEIYA'S COOK. Shame it is, there! Cooped up 'ere all
day, and can't only get out three evening's a week! And me a-wantin'
to go to the Canterbury to-night with private Spindles, pertickler!
Never mind, I'll jest invite 'im down 'ere and we'll hear the singin' at
the Canterbury together.
(Invites down private Spindles, and they apply their ears to a tube.)
No. IV.
OUR SPECIAL WAR CORRESPONDENT (in his own study). Splendid
invention! I'll just have one of these Telephones fixed in the middle
of Turkey with the other end here. Then I can hear all the reports
as they circulate on the spot itself, and avoid the necessity of copying
my information from other correspondents!
(Has the thing fixed, applies his ear to it, and hears so many wildly
contradictory reports on the spot itself that he goes mad directly.)

IPERp oous


Another Historic Parallel.
Is an account of a bull getting on the South Coast railway line and
attempting "to charge the 6.16 train from Polegate to Eastbourne," a
contemporary states that the driver turned the steam-cock and
stopped the train." It would be a pity indeed that a story like this
should be left incomplete, and therefore, in the somewhat pardonable
absence of chanticleer, we hail as an admirable substitute the appear-
ance of that steam-cook. It once again gives completeness to a cook-
and-bull story.
A GOOD many newspapers are making capital "out of a brutal affair
at Hanley between a drunken man and a house-dog, and referring to
it as evidence of the famous Brummy and Physic business being after
all correct. Singularly enough, however, they all lose sight of the to
us somewhat curious fact that the magistrate before whom the case
was heard the other day, is Mr. Greenwood.

A Bitter Rue.
A NEW street in Paris cut through the late Emperor Napoleon's
private gardens, and called the Rue de Tuileries, is just open. Our
Bonapartist says it was a Rued thing to do, and our Imperialist says
it will be Rued some day.

Brevet Rank.
Mas. JUGGINs lost one of her lodgers lately. He went off suddenly
on urgent private affairs, and forgot to settle his little account.
" Ah," says the old lady, "when 'e come 'ere 'e called itselff a
Capting; but I've discovered to my cost 'e's only a left tenant."

THE Caxton celebration should have been held in the Spring, not in
theSummer. Frietemps you see. Bother the pronunciation!

WANTBD.-A hen who can lay a foundation-stone.

YOUNG COUPLE. Very nice rooms indeed, and how much a week
did you say P
LANDLADY. Three guineas a waek the sitting room and two guineas
a week the bedroom.
YOUNG COUPLE. Well, that will be cheaper than going to an hotel,
because of course we can provide ourselves.
LANDLADr. Then you decide to take the rooms for a fortnight ?
YOUNG COUPLE. We decide. Here is the rent in advance. Of
course you cook for us ?
LANDLADY. Oh yes, b.ut the kitchen fire is extra; that will be ten
shillings a week.
YOUNG COUPLE. Oh and are there any other extras?
LANDLADY. Not many. There's boot-cleaning one shilling a pair,
use of plate and linen ten shillings a week, gas five shillings a week,
attendance five shillings a week, warm water five shillings a week, an4d
a few etceteras.
YOUNG COUPLE. Ha, hum! Well, we will go out and purchase
provisions. (They go.) Let us see, suppose we have a pair of soles.
Fishmonger, send us that small pair of soles. How much will
they be ?
FISHMONGER. That pair's five shillings.
YOUNG COUPLE. Isn't that a-ah-a little dear ?
FIosMONGOR (coantemptuoUsly). I only keep the best fish, and there's
no ona else in the place has any at all.
YOUNG COUPLE. Let us now purchase vegetables and fruit. What
is the price of that basket of strawberries, and of those peas ?
FauIT wMa. Strawberries two shillings and sixpence a basket, peas
three shillings a peck.
YOUN1 COUPLE. Dear me, we can buy them at a quarter that
price in London.
Fa uiTaua. But you can't here, because I'm the only fruiterer in
the place. Have 'em or leave 'em, which you like.
YOUNw COUPLE. We cannot afford such luxuries. We will have
a pound of steak and a loaf of bread.
BuTCHER. Steak, yes mum, very nice, two shillings and ninepence
a pound.
BaKER. Bread, yes sir, tenpence a loaf.
YOUNG COUPLE. That is dreadfully dear.
BUTCHER AND BAKER. Well, we're the only butcher and baker in
the town, so you won't get no cheaper.
YOUNG COUPLE. We have come here for a fortnight, and have
only brought one hundred pounds; we fear that will not be enough to
carry us through, so we will go to town and fetch some more.
CaoRus op TRADESPEOPLE. Yah, coin' here with a hundred
pounds for a fortnight! How d'ye expect we're a going to live?
(YOUNG COUPLr blush and return to town by first train, forfeiting
rent paid in advance.)
YOUNG COUPLE. At last we are safe in London again. We will
wait till we have saved a thousand pounds, and then we will go to the
seaside for a fortnight.

I wisu the war would go a-way,
They do not fight a bat-tle,
They kill about a man a day
And steal a lot of cat-tle.
A page a day the pa-pers spin,
All sto-ries, do not doubt it;
As no one cares which side may win,
We'd glad-ly do with-out it.
I know they both are wick-ed men
Who make such dread-faul slaugh-ter,
They say one wants the other's den
To give his eld-est daugh-ter.
My pa be-lieves the Rus-sians right,
For Tur-key is my mo-ther;
I hope that Eng-land will not fight
For ei-ther one or o-ther.

The Alphabet of War.
THE Rassians have been badly defeated at Zewin. Their first
important success in Asia Minor was at Ardahan. Running through
the alphabet after this fashion does not suit the Grand Duke Michael,
who now writes his despatches in an Asia Minor key.

THEY make flowers of shells now. Arti-fishal flowers, of course.

-'- '-

The universal discomfiture necessary to allow one person to pass to his seat in an English Theatre.

FUN.--JULY 11, 1877.



'1 [lI RILi r


JuLY 11, 1877.]



I WkITE Of Ulysses, a wonderful man,
The marvel of history's pages;
For wisdom he stoed at the head of his clan,-
He was married, you know, to Penelope Ann,
According to classical sages.
Their life was a round of continual joy,
Continual pleasure and blisses ;
No shadow of grief ever came to annoy
Till Ulysses was summoned to toddle to Troy,
And left his adorable missis." -..a
In Troy he was fighting a number of years-
From his nation for years was a roamer ;
Penelope Ann was tormented with fears,
For the taxes were due, and the rent in arrears-
(At least, so I gather from Homer).
At last, when his wailike engagement was o'er,
He put on his Ulster coat gaily,
Bid his comrades adiau at the Trojan Arms" door,
And embarked on- a steam-launch for Ithaca's shdrey-
These vessels were running there daily.
He hadn't got farther than Battersea Pier
When a storm filled the crew with dismay there,
And cast him at length oh an island just near,
Where sirens made much of him-offered him beer,
And ardently wished- him to stay there.
These sirens all served in a- restaurant bar,
And their cheeks and their eyebrows were painted ;
Ulysses." said thev, stay and smoke a.cigar,
You must be fatigued, having travelled so far-
We'll make you with comfort acquainted."
Ulysses said, "Nay, I must toddle away,
For really my missis expects me ;
lMy return she is looking for day after day,
Besides there's my rent and my taxes to pay,
So homeward my conscience directs me!"
Then he tore him away from their Fimpering wiles,
For fear they should longer delay him,
But walking about in the neighboring isles,
He met Polyphemus, the queerest of files,"
Who kindly remarked he would slay him!
"What ho!" said Ulysses, you stupid old guy !
What ridiculous nonsense you utter.
Annihilate me ? Well, you'd better just try! "
So he up and he gave him a punch in the eye,
Which "landed" him clean in the gutter
At length he arrived at his own native land,
But hearing his "missis" was troubled
By suitors who came and proposed for her hand,
Said he, I'll exterminate all of the band."
In his breast dreadful agony bubbled!
Though his lady adopted an innocent mien
Her sagacity hadn't diminished,
For she'd purchased herself a small sewing-machine,
And braiding a palet6t daily was seen,
And said she'd be wed when 'twas finished.
She had trimmings, and lace, and she'd bugles galore,
Much more than was needed- she knew it.
Such a marvellous jacket was ne'er seen before,
And being well-versed in all needlework lore,
She knew wouldd take ages to do it!
Ulvysses turned up at his '" missis's" gate,
Like a mendicant cadging for wittles"-
And shortly he heard fair Penelope state
That she now was prepared to choose him as a mate
Who was victor in playing at skittles.
It is needless to state that our hero essayed,
Though his ragged appearance caused laughter,
And soon on the floor ev'ry skittle was laid,
Then he threw off his rags, and his missus "hoorayed,"
And happy they lived ever after!

A NurTT FLAVO-R.-The favourite poet of the Emperor of the
Brazils is, of course, Shelley.

"THE Hay Crop may now be considered well on THE WANE." So
Fays a daily paper; and this is Our Own Idiot's notion of an illustration
on the subject.

Important Notice.
WE have been requested by two shrimpsellers and a lodging-house.
keeper and a-half to note that the Sheerness-on-Season has commenced.
The importance of the statement will at once speak for itself, and we
need only add we have great pleasure in being the first to publish it.

IT is stated that the country has purchased the offices of Bell's Lif
and the Observer. And yet it was only this week that an eminent
jurist observed there was no chance of the British Press ever becoming
subsidized. by the State or liable in any way to State patronage.

Clerical Errors.
THE Dean of Arches, wishes it to be known that his position is in
no way connected with any railway company. It is also a mistake to
imagine that his Metropolitan is one of the dignitaries of the Under-
Young Fogeys.
THE Prince Imperial of France has been elected an honorary mem-
ber of the Junior Carlton Club. He is "j ust about the age for a
junior establishment like this. Besides, we believe Nap" in one
shape or another is always a favourite at Tory clubs.

Poetic Fire.
DUiING the recent severely hot weather a policeman, roasting under
a tropical sun and visibly smoking, was aptly compared by a second-
hand wit to Robert Browning. Nonsense I replied his companion;
" He is to me the exact realization of Bobby Burns."

Piano Forte-fication.
SINCE Juggins purchased a piano, his daughter has gone quite crazy
on music and singing. In fact, she has become a perfect madrigal.
(What a mad wriggle a fellow's brains must be in when he perpetuates
such a gleeless goak as this.-ED.)

Bits for Cite.
Is a City liveryman bound to be a stable person ? And how many
suits is he allowed a year ? And is he more liable to upbraiding than
his commoner fellow creatures ? And, as a liveryman, must he be of
a bilious nature ? All answers to be post paid.

Not generally known.
PEOPLE who subsist entirely on farinaceous food are more likely
than others to suffer from mealancholia; and carcass butchers possess
more head and pluck than any other tradesmen in the meatropolis.

A New Ditty.
THE Turks continue to charge the Russians with stripping the
inhabitants of villages and driving ti em out in a state of nudity.
That nu dity is an old song.
LIQuoRs are sold in 2 341 places in Boston." It is curious to
speculate in how many of these places the buyers are sold as well.

THE DRUNKARD'S PARADISE.-Lapland (with a reversion in favour
of Beerhaven, Brimmerl aven, and Glass "go," of course.)

22 FUN. (JULY 11, 1877.
2 2 "- J\-

(4! 11 1 ,.

Neighbour (loq.) :-" Lon, HE'VB QUITE GROWED OUT O' KNOWLEDGE, HAVEN'T HE, MissiS?"

OH, where shall I go to and what shall I do P
I've a holiday dim in the distance,
And a holiday's one of the things that I view
As a plague to a quiet existence.
Shall I wander away to the banks of the Rhine,
And leave German landlords my rhino,
Or seek the Dutch pastures, all water and kine,
In a suit of light dittos by Kino P
There's Paris invites me with caf6s and trees,
And the smart little ladies who dance so,
I confess I've a sneaking regard for the sprees
Which the pleasures of travel enhance so.
Vienna suggests I should make for the East,
As to get at the war it's the best way,
But the wife of my bosom won't hear in the least
Of the risks I should run Buda Pesth way.
New York is a place I've a longing to see,
But the billows I hate to be tost on;
And the road to America's haunted for me
With the fate of the City of Boston.
There's many a sight in the town where I dwell
Which at present this bard has left undone,
And I fancy a month may be passed very well
In taking a tour about London.

BRowN, when he dined recently with the Beanfeasters' Corporation,
didn't get as well looked after as he expected. He says it was a case
of "Waiter! Waiter I" everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
FOR AcTOns.-Thepro Cathedral.

SmI MICHAEL COSTA was warmly cheered at the close of the Handel
Festival. He never handled his baton better.
Floods must be prevented in the Thames valley. Everybody says
so. Then turn Lawson's hordes loose on the river, and let them drink
it dry. What they can't manage may be bottled, and called Cream
of the Valley."
The Russians have crossed the Danube. They don't say which
Bank though.
A floating magazine has exploded and killed three people. Floating
magazines is almost as dangerous as floating newspapers.
MacMahon has conducted a review of the French troops. He will
review his conduct after the elections.

TaE pecked 'Tatur is great on the Colorado Beetle. Hitherto the
beetle has been left in quiet possession, so far as the tubers themselves
are concerned. If the new position of affairs be only half as puzzling
to the beetle as some of the pecked 'Tatur's articles are to its readers,
he may fly in dismay, and the world may at last be a bit the better
for some superfine writing.

De trop.
MR. DE MORGAN threatens to head an attack on the Duke of Cam-
bridge's preserves in Richmond Park. De M. had better go slow "
a bit, or, if he meddles with royal prerogative, he will find himself
not so much in the preserves of the Duke as in a pickle of his own.
By George he will.
On its Meritt.
stolen Kisses at the Globe ought to draw the sporting men, it being
so entirely hoss-culatory.
COLOURED BY HAND.-A black eye.

JVLY 11, 1877.] F U N 23

Scan : A City Chop House.
FIasT MAGNATE. Wasn't that a good speech of Gladstone's at the
Caxton Celebration ?
SzooNn DITTO. Jolly! And though his voice was not loud, every
tone was audible.
FIRST DITTO. Ah, that was, you know, because he was speaking in
SecoND DTTo (impressed). By the way, perhaps you could tell me ;
who was this Caxton E. Hannah, that so much is spoken of now ?
Couldn't be his wife, you know, because the Hannah'd go first then.
FIRST DITTO. Don't know, I'm sure; most likely some American,
by the sound. Caxton went abroad, you know, and doubtless met a
lot of Yankees.
SECOND DITTO (with evident satisfaction). Al And who was Fudt ?
FIRST DITTO. Oh, Caxton to be sure. Because he, was the
SCOND DITTO. Oh, you misunderstand. Who was Fast-F-u-s-t?
Gladstone said something about him. Don't you remember?
FIRST DITTO. Oh, yes. Why, of course, he was the man who
translated something from the German, and then sold himself to the
dev- to Old Nick. There's an opera and a play about it--Phelps,
and that sort of thing.
SECoND DITTO (meoh relieved). Ah!
FIRST DITTO (after a silence). By the way, the School Board measo
to have our spelling rearranged, and everything put in regular order.
SEcoND DITTO. Those fellows seem to know what they're about.
They'll do a deal of good eventually for the poor and ignorant.
FrBST DITTO. Yes. I didn't fancy education would be a good
thing for the masses at first, but when one comes to think what a
shocking thing it must be for the great bulk of a population to remain
benighted, he must admit the movement is a first-class one.
SECOND DITTO. Ignorance must be a dreadful curse. rm a great
believer in the School Board myself.
FIRST DITTO. So am I now. I am going to put up for it. Got a
lot of votes promised. A gentleman, you see, should always support
the spread of education.
SEcon DITTO (enthusiastically). Ah, of course, of course. You will
stir them up a bit, I'm sure. Good morning!

CBIcKET Rs of the old school are publicly grieving that cricket is
not what it was. They say that fashionable matches are now only
excuses for gigantic picnics, and that effeminacy reigns supreme among
our rising players. It seems to us strange this should only have been
just discovered, for those who could not see how things have been
tending in the cricket field for some years now, must have been as
blind as a bat" itself. As a cricket-bat, of course.

An Earring.
A sProTrNe paper-fourpenny and fashionable-replying to a corre.
spondent says, If you have reason to dispute facts, we are willing to
give you an hearing." The correspondent might have reason to dis-
pute the fact of this promise being ever put into more than factitious
performance. Such a thing would be like a pearl of great price in a
pig's snout, or a silk purse made out of a sporting writer's ear.

Smoking Hot,
A WRITER hazards the suggestion that portions of our theatres might
be set aside for smokers in imitation of certain small Parisian houses,
where, daring the slack season, a notice is exhibited, On fume ici."
There are plenty of London houses where the performance makes
everyone fume," not to say fiet.

Our Bashi-Bazouks.
IT is rumoured that some European ladies have been brutally
assaulted by Bashi-Bazou"s while out driving near Pera. Really,
something must be done, or Turkey will soon be as dangerous for ladies
as- say Hampstead on a Sunday.

AN enthusiastic Radical says all the Conservatives ought to be
clapped into jail. That would be a Newgate tory measure.

An Aid.
THE Ex-president of America will not visit the German watering
places. He takes his own Badeau with him everywhere.

"THE SEOcaT cp Suocss: '-Lady iAudly's 8t eret.

WHEN friends around the board are met,
The friends of Honour's mould,
And appetite requires no whet
For dishes hot or cold:
'Tis then the light and lambent quip
And laughter-moving jest
Fly rapidly from lip to lip,
And have proper zest.
There's nought in all the livelong year
So sharpens up the wits,
Prevents one joker being drear,
Improves another's hits,
Dismisses rancour from the mind,
Arrests impending wrath,
As-what I ever long to find-
A well-laid supper-cloth.
I know I'm not of Fashion's lot
Who toil on Pleasure's round,
And suffer--well, I can't say what,
Bit plenty, I'll be bound.
For me to dine at half-past eight.
Seems horribly absurd;
Id rather for my supper wait-
I would, upon my word.

But even supper now and then
Can hardly hope to cheet,
If hosts insist on having men
Who-nothing can but sneer.
A sneerer who is nought beside-
A vapid thing of froth-
Should find his level far and wide
From friendly supper-cloth.
I reasoned thus the other night
When I'd been out to sup,
And found a fellow act as blight,
And poison ev'ry cup.
Oh, may it ne'er be said of me
By those who stand aghast,
"A little cad of low degree,
A nuisance unsurpast."

JONEs. Heat's awful, ain't it. I call it torrid weather.
BnOWN. Call it 'orrid, why ? I think it's delightful. Nothing
'orrid about it, I'm sure.

Ego et Rex-."
A WRITBB in a Society" paper, speaking of common people, and
looking down on them from a lofty height, refers repeatedly to the
ancillary spoon." These keyholers seem to have queer notions of
journalism. It is certainly not usual for a contributor to keep obtrud-
ing himself in this egotistic fashion.

A Ring Down.
Tim Emperor of Germany has presented Salvini with a ring studded
with brilliant. Salvini accepted it as an acknowledgment of the way
he had studded Shakespeare's brilliant works, and reproduced his
precious stoness with the true dramatic ring.

'" Through a Glass Darkly."
NEWBAR PASHA has left London for Paris. His most natural
successors here would seem, to our limited comprehension, to be
Messrs. Spiers and Pond, who have just opened still another
THn Court of Appeal has just reversed the decision of the Chief
Baron, in a case, "Spice v. Bacon." Of course, where the Lards
Justices were concerned, Bacon was bound to be best in favour.

Our Torpedo.
RussIA has sent a large order for Whitehead torpedoes. The Czar
has respectfully declined to accept Bobby Lowe as one on account.

NOT MUCH OF A Loss.-Don Carlos.

24 ]FU N [JULY 111-77.

0 ,SESRAPHINA loves me dearly,
-r I love Seraphina, too,
Oh, her form's divine (or nearly)-
P (That's of course twixtt me and you).
Lots of blisses Fate has sent us,
And we'd really not complain,
But for one who will torment us-
Seraphina's sister Jane!
Small is Seraphina's sister,
r Six years old, or thereabouts,
But, by jingo, she's a twister,"
Full of noise and tiny shouts.
Often when I'd gently whisper,
Seraphina's kiss to gain,
In runs that intruding lisper,
Seraphina's sister Jane!
When we in the garden wander,
Just to view the plants, you know,
As our words are getting fonder,
And my loved one listens;-le
In she rushes, hair a-tangle,
Like a doll that's gone insane;
Then I feel I'd like to strangle
S Seraphina's sister Jane!
When I next behold her figure
At her I will make a spring,
_And I'll say, "When you get bigger
SYou won't like this sort of thing I
Courting has a brief existence,-
'___ -Don't you interrupt again.
When 'm here, just keep your distance,
REASSURING. Seraphina's sister Jane I"
sketched in Pall Mall on a recent Great Occasion.
Working Man (to son and heir) :-" I sAY, TOMMY, IF WE GO TO WAR, THEM'S Hm CHEAps ELnrEmTAuRY ASTRONOMIcAL STUDY FOR
TO GIvE Tn BoosHus somETHIN'l" CnKa mm.-The Milky Whey.

FoR Hungry Folks .......... Gnaw away. SOMs professional betting men are engaged in getting up a memorial
Hurrying Folks ............. Rusher. to the late Admiral Rous. It is to take the form of a lifeboat, and is,
Drinkers .................... Lap land. we believe, to be stationed at the headquarters of the turf, where so
Waiters .................... Serve yer. many noble fortunes, gallant hopes, and valuable lives have met
Cattle Breeders .............. Bull own. with such disastrous shipwreck.
Sovereigns .................. To Reign.
Nurses.................... The Pair o' knees. An Extensive Grant.
Lawsonites .................. The Tea RolL THE City Press speaks of "the presentation of the freedom of the
High Heel Wearers .......... Mar gait. City of General Grant." This is Americanising our institutions with
a vengeance. Grant will entirely eclipse his illustrious predecessor,
Curious Case and the City of Washington be poor by comparison with "the City
Curious Case. of General Grant." Not only to us, but to U.S. as well.
A sATIN-wovs serial announces to all whom it most concerns that ________o______
"the editors cannot undertake to return manuscript in any case." Itrom the War.
must be somewhat awkward for the Postal authorities if "the editors" From the War.
send it away loose. But, on the other hand, what a lot of trouble it THE Czar has decided, after much public prayer, to issue an Holyo.
must save Lord John Manners and Co. when anxious to fulfil their graph of the present war.
duty to the public by poking and prying into the public's correspond-
ence, to have it all ready for them and unenclosed "in any case." A Black Beetle.
THE Colorado potato beetle has arrived in Germany. Let us hope
A Reel Appointment. it won't Germ any over here.
A MR. COTTON, Q.C., has been appointed Lord Justice of Appeal. e o
We hope his justice won't bb sew-sew. Now Ready, the Thirty-Second Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
CURIOU DEvsEOMENT OF CHINAMANIA.-Mr. Austin Dobson's Magenta Cloth, 4s. Od.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, 1s. 6d. each.
.Proverbs in Porcelain. Also, Beading Cases, Is. Od. each.


Entire Wheat Flour.


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Jurv 18, 1&77.] FUN. 25

THE dreams of childhood age dispels, t
Our verdant visions vanish,
Old Time the iron-fisted fells
Our cloud-capped castles Spanish.
Our gods are broken one by one, tE
Our images are shattered,
Our Fairy Queens we learn to shun I
As draggled-tailed and tattered.
Yet still among the ruined host
Are those we can but cling to,
To bid them yield the final ghost
Our hearts we cannot bring to.
And so a fancy of my youth,
Grown weak and like to perish,
In spite of my delight in truth
I still devoutly cherish.
Stern fact maintains in chemists' shops
Those lovely coloured bottles
Are white when drained of certain drops
Of liquid in their throttles.
I still believe it's tinted glass
Which casts a light so mellow,
And makes the people as they pass
Look red and green and yellow.

"Ditto, Double Smut."
IN an amusing theatrical discussion now going on
between an actor and an adaptor," the former re-
peatedly twits the latter with being unable to understand
French. An obvious deduction after the player's last
playful epistle is, that if one knows no French, the other
is somewhat vague as to English. Friendly arbitration
has been called in, and the parties are to be reconciled.
Surely, the force of Frenchship could no further go.

Oh, Stay I
A CONTEMPORARY gravely says that during the
Duchess of Edinburgh's journeyings from place to place
no one is able to calculate the length of her stays." THE SAVAGE BEAST."
Except, of course, her modiste and her maid. But why Amateur Violinist (to unmusical friend) :-"I AM SO ENGAGED-80 SOUGHT

RATEPAYtRS, and all who by a proper performance of their obliga- Now Mr. World and Mrs. World have shut their shutters tight,
tions incur the inestimable privilege of being summoned on a jury, And taken all the little Worlds, and also taken flight.
may real with some interest that there is now a chance of occasionally There's no one left in town, of course, except the Members' wives,
evading the blessings kept in store for them by a properly appointed And they are getting ready, too, and packing for their lives.
summoning officer. Mr. Serjeant Cox, himself the embodiment of That is, they do not pack themselves, but sit and watch it done,
justiciary wisdom, discharged a jury the other day because they chose And add a little thing or two till boxes weigh a ton;
to acquit a prisoner whom he thought guilty. We have no intention of And when they're off, and all are gone, the poet does it brown,
appearing as apologists for the jurymen, who it is only fair to suppose For Fashion cannot dog his steps when Fashion's out of town.
were as sensible as most Clerkenwellers who figure at the Sessions The iron rules of etiquette I fling away with joy,
House; but if trial by jury means anything, it means that the jury- And lie about the shady parks just like a ragged boy.
men are entitled to an opinion, which it is only too often the desire of Supine upon my back I doze beneath the leafy trees,
our by no means cleverest judges to attempt setting aside. In fact, it With pipe and baccaa close at hand, and beer and bread-and-cheese.
is notorious that in our smaller courts, trial by jury is not trial by jury With pleasant children [may romp and pleasant nursemaids greet,
at all, but merely trial by judge-" and a good judge, too I" We There's generally room for one upon the wooden seat.
should like to know, now that Serjeant Cox has opened up an example, My feeding baby boys with buns will cause no female frown,
whether in future it might not be possible, should a particularly en- My darling wife and her mamma will both be out of town.
lightened jury ever be got together, for them to mark the occasion by I
discharging an occasionally idiotic and incompetent judge. Presum- When Regent-street is blocked with cabs and other things on wheels,
ing, of course, that such a dual condition of affairs ever could possibly When down the Bond-streets nobles flock and tread each other's heels,
come to pass. The London season's at its height, and then-it's strange to say-
I never touch those thoroughfares, but go another way.
Completely so. But now I lounge in Regent-street, and both the Bonds as well,
And pass the houses bold as brass where certain tradesmen dwell,
A FENNY-A-LINIER describing an accident at Charing-cross station Because the men who make my clothes and roof my noble crown
in a weekly paper said, "The poor fellow was caught by the buffers, Will not be there to claim their due, because they're out of town.
and his chest, &o., completely smashed. He now lies in a very pre-
carious condition." So we should believe. And to think that while
battles of the most sanguinarily inventive kind are fought every day Bi a Simpleton.
at the daily paper offices, such a man as this is compelled to pick up THE Conservative journals accuse the Liberals of "Bias." There's
occasional paragraphs! no bias about the Conservatives, of course. Sell us is more the word
for them.
"A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAX."-That the landlord said he didn't BRITISH INTERESTs.-Two-and-a-half to five per cent.-paid.
want his Quarter's rent. TURKISH INTERESTs.-Twelve to twenty-promised.

voL. xxvi.

26 F UN o (JULY 18, 1877.

Y love, my love, 'tis years a score
(Just now it seems a dozen more)
S ~ / Since we embarked on Hymen's
That is, were married.
And since that happy, happy day
(You've made me bald and turned me
How lightly life has sped away
And love has tarried!

The day seems really recent when
(Alas I single was till then !)
You made me happiest of men-
Oar day of marriage I
When we rejoicing took the train
To dream Love's dream beside the
(I'd not for worlds go there again)-
The main at Harwich.

My dear, what wondrous ways we
(And how you clacked, and jawed, and
And never bliss a moment balked
Beside the sea there.
What long excursions side by side
(By ways I never could abide)
We took when you were first my bride,
My all to me there.
And when beginning life in town
How soon you proved a husband's crown
(How cruelly you crushed me down),
My housewife thrifty.
How well you made both ends to meet
(I ne'er had half enough to eat).
As young as then you look-as sweet-
(You Do look fifty).
My love, my love, for twenty years
We've shared each other's joys and fears
(For you the pleasures-me the tears)-
You are a true wife.
So may our lives together pass;-
If Time for you first turns his glass
I swear-(else I'm an arrant ass)-
I'll have no new wife.

IT was a humorous notion, doubtless, that prompted John Betterdaze
when his money was gone to abstain from food. But he must have
had a strong sense of humour to keep on abstaining for five days right
off. It is true that in a weak moment he picked up a ham-bone that
a dog had left, and a crust that a be ggar had flung away. But the
funniest thing of all in his intensely comic history is that he was
tramping all that five days through the streets of London looking out
for old friends, friends who had known him when the money was only
going, when he was a good customer at the Stores," and a jolly
fellow. And he met them. Hullo, Betterdaze, old boy, how are
you ? Haven't seen you for a blue moon. Come and have a drink."
One drink, two drinks, three drinks. Not a penny in his pocket, not
a morsel in his stomach, and he might have gone on drinking all day
long. first with one and then with another.
Hullo, Betterdaze; why, how ill you look! Down in the world, eh ?
Well, come and have a drink." "Thanks, a glass of claret." "Two
glasses of claret, miss, please. How much? Shilling, sir-
thanks." "Well, good-bye, old boy, I must get back to the office;
sorry to see you looking so seedy."
Following up his humorous notion, Betterdaze refrained from men-
tioning the trifling fact that he hadn't tasted food for five days. You
see, he didn't know these people well enough to say, I won't have a
sixpenny drink; pay for a penny loaf for me-I'm dying of starvation."
And the fifth day passed, and the fifth evening came. Betterdaze felt
light at heel and head. Spirits and beer and wine taken freely at inter-
vals of fifteen minutes, when the interval between food has extended to
five days, have a peculiar lightening effect on the head and heels. If it
hadn't been for that horrible gnawing sensation of hunger that seemed
now tearing away at his inside, now trying to throw him down in the
street and leave him there, he would have been all right. He smiled
as he tottered past lighted bars and restaurants, and threaded his way

among the festive crowd which surges for ever, like the sea in the
poem, upon anything but a noiseless Strand. It was such a good idea,
he thought, to be quietly dying by inches in a place like this for want
of sixpennyworth of bread and meat, when he could have ten sixpenny-
worths of liquor if he only liked to drop into any of his old haunts in
the thoroughfare. He began to laugh out loud at the notion, but had
to stop short, the use of the risible muscles caused him the most
exquisite internal agony. When a man's starving, one of the first
things he must remember is not to laugh aloud. Suddenly Better-
daze found himself walking, as if by instinct, down a passage. He
went down the passage, up some steps, and across a bar-room into a
billiard-room. Then he sat down on a soft velvet cushion, and rested
himself, and watched an exciting game at billiards. He smiled to
himself again when he thought that starving, penniless wretches could
sit on velvet cushions and be amused for nothing. He didn't laugh
this time, he knew better.
The room began to fill; half the people who came in knew him and
called him "old fellow," "old chap," dear boy," and other loving
names. And he sat on his velvet quietly, and grew drowsy, and felt a
queer numbness coming to his limbs, and quite a new strange sensation
in his heart. Two players played a match, and they had half-a-dozen
of chamin" on the game. Betterdaze was an old friend of both, and
a bottle and glass were placed before him as one of the company.
The wine warmed his chilly veins; he poured it down his throat like
water, for he had the bottle to himself. "This is good stuff," said
someone, what is it a bottle, waiter P" "Eight and sixpence, sir."
The wine had begun to play tricks upon Betterdaze by this time. Eight
and sixpence! he shrieked, and I've drunk that! Look here, you
fellows, look at me. Here's a lark! I'm sitting on velvet and drinking
phiz at eight and six a bottle, and, so help me heaven, I'm dying of
starvation! The wine is burning like fire in my brain, and tears my
secret from me. I swear to you all I haven't tasted food for five-
It didn't take long, but it was a nasty scene while it lasted, and out
of place in a billiard-room. It stopped the game, and the customers
left early, and nobody tipped the marker, and the coroner said that it
was starvation and diseased heart. And one or two people who knew
Betterdaze said, "If he'd only have said, you know." Exactly-but
they never do.

Political Measurement.
THE most Conservative of citizen dignitaries would not be averse to
the return of Gladstone and Co. to office. The Tories have been, as a
gentleman who didn't get his title observed, a trifle too Conservative,
and it's hard if the others would not be Liberal enough to accord a
baronetcy or two to the City instead of conferring all the honours on
themselves. This may be a trifle in itself, but Fun hails it as yet
another instance of the scales falling from the eyes of a deluded con-
stituency, and Conservative glitter and Tory tinsel being adjudged its
proper weight in the political market.

Still the Beetle.
THE Rector of Hitcham suggests that coloured illustrations of the
Colorado beetle should be distributed amone schools, and then all village
children might look about for it for a small pecuniary reward. Where
that reward would tempt the village children to search for the beetle
goodness only knows. But if they were let loose on the potatoes, there
would be a chance of the distinguished visitor being starved out.

Too Truckulent.
AN inventor complains that for two years the Royal Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals have advertised 400 in prizes for
improved cattle trucks and forgotten to say when and where the com-
petition is to come off. He wants less truck with the Society,

A File Affair.
THE American Government have filed their reply to a British case
involved in the Fisheries question we are glad to hear. American
replies to British cases will bear smoothing down. They are generally
too filent.
A Black Draught.
The number of Coffee Palaces is increasing rapidly in London
wherever suitable coffee grounds can be found for their erection. The
publicans are shedding Caf6 tears at the idea.

From the War.
GREAT events have been taking place at Tirnova. It's time both
sides did Tirnova-a new leaf and begin fighting.

A ZEs TaoPE.-One of Mr. Maskelyne's latest speeches.

JULY 18, 1877.]


EVIEW him any way you like-
In outward form, and dress, and features-
There's nothing in the man to strike
As differing from common creatures.
He's never shown (that I have known)
A habit of appearing, never,
With hoofs or wings or any things
Of that description whatsoever.
SOne 'therefore tries in vain to sift
]5is irresistibly despotic
And obviously magic gift
- Of making people idiotic!
'Of bearded age (that's always sage),
-Of beardless youth (whose mind's expanding),
Eire Time can trace and instant space
He undermines the understanding!
IHe enters, say a railway train,
And all the other riders, seeing,
/ Believe they look upon a plain
And ordinary human being.
But by and bye he'll fix his eye-
A* Deep-seated in its gloomy socket
A, (An eye to freeze l)-on one of these,
kt And take a tract from out his pocket.
* And then you'll suddenly detect
The traveller thus contemplated
Becomes as one whose intellect
Is utterly annihilated;
He'll madly stare (as unaware
Of aught that intervenes betwixt him
And distant space) right through the face
Of him whose dismal eye has 'fixed him.
Then finding this of little use,
He'll move his lips in imitation
Of one absorbed in some abstruse
Engrossing mental calculation.
This also fails; he eyes his nails
So hard, you feel a strong persuasion
He's had a scare to find them there
On this particular occasion.
Anon his head begins to swim;
His eye, in painful vacillation,
Is slowly drawn to that of him
Who sits in dismal contemplation,
With calm, serene, determined mien,
And eye that pierces through and through him
And speaks of graves; the latter waves
That dreadful tract and gives it to him.

The Victim, with a helpless smile,'
Will idiotically hold it,
And, sinking in his shoes the while,
Will twist and screw and roll and fold it.
And try, confused, to look amused,
And feebly make a last, despairing,
And wholly vain, attempt to feign
A careless unembarrassed bearing.
Then he who gave the tract will cast
His eye around, with calm unshaken,
And say in hollow tones at last:
My brother, is your ticket taken F"

But no one by will meet his eye,
And all, in nervous trepidation,
Will edge away-pretending they
Have failed to catch the observation.
But he who gave the tract would spurn
Defeat, and with deliberation
Selects each rider in his turn
For psychical examination;
*And each one shrieks and feebly blinks
Or weakly and insanely chuckles;
Or, waxing red, will scratch his head
And rub his nose and bite his knuckles.
At length the torturer will cease
His terrifying exhortation,
And give them all a tract apiece
And leave, on coming to a station.
And then it's strange to note the change
That comes at once to those remaining;
For each, you find, has got a mind
And is extremely entertaining!
I've known a man of sense and skill
(A. mighty thinker, men confessed him
Become a hopeless imbecile
When he who bears the tracts addressed him:
I will engage the greatest sage,
With gifts of ratiocination
Supremely quick, becomes a stick
Beneath his crushing exhortation.

Not Plural.
A PRovrNCIAL journal speaks of a disaster on the London and North-
Western Railway, in which a lady was decapitated, as "a singular
accident." Singular, we should think, in the fact that but a single
person was slain. And yet, as it is also said that she had but just
before changed places with her husband, she could not have been
single either. So where the singularity was, only a juryman ora Here-
ford journalist can tell us.

Allport it is.
SOMEONE proposes in the City Press that Mr. Allport, who first put
the precept third-class by all trains into paying practice, should
receive a recognition at the hands of the large body of travellers he
has done so much to benefit. Even though its promotion be third-
class, a testimonial to the great pioneer of comfort and convenience on
railways is bound to turn out first-rate.

The Lex Talionis.
OUR own cross-countryman is astonished and disgusted to find that
the famous Fox Club is not a sporting but a political institution. And
yet he admits that when he applied for admission he found sufficiently
brusbque treatment even for him; and he hears that the opinions of
all members tally (Oh!-ED.)

The Last Straw.
WHEN is a borrowed horse like Kaiser Wilhelm's favourite watering-
place? When it's cob lent 's. And what's more, as this was dun in
black and white all at once and without an effort by a gentleman who
wanted to show the world what real comic writing ought to be, we
won't apologise.
THE BANK RATE.-Two miles an hour for heavy traffic.

IL __uu=.... .. 11,

1 I 1

I 'ili ,


" Handing him over I" Really the easiest way of getting anybody to or from his seat in our Theatres



FJUN.-JuLY 18, 1877.

N^ V

7" /^
- *sJ' _

zz,,\ ONL- 7



THE waters of the Danuba gleam
In all their summer glory,
The hills are fair as painter's dream,
The vales are famed in story.
But though I love that region well,
And there would be a liver,
At present I'm afraid to dwell
Beside the Danube river.
Tha verdant heights and slopes are set
With many a charming village
(Which Northern tourists won't forget
To fall upon and pillage).
To think what tint those waters blue
Will turn to makes me shiver,
I fear there'll be a reddish hue
About the Danube river.
I can bat weep when I recall
A scene of peace and plenty,
When warmth and beauty reigned, and all
Was 10 doles far niente,"
For war has blasted fertile plains,
And set wmea' hearts a-quiver,
While daily slaughter stirs and stains
The lovely Danube river.

Doubly Dispatched.
A wzLL,XwNOwN weekly treats its readers to what it
calls "another mystery," which is soon to attract as
much attention as the Bravo case. A retired captain
in the army, son of a late peer of the realm, was some
time since found dead in a lavatory, and upon being
taken to his bedroom, died in the course of a minute."
The veracity of our contemporary is unimpeachable;
but as there may be many people who never suspect the
wonders going on around them, it is just as well to
reprint so noticeable an item of news, if only for
An Observation.
THE Bexley Heath Observer observes with curious
vision. Observe: "Robert Wallace (long M.P. for
Greenock) died, aged 5." To say nothing of the youth
of this gentleman, it is news that Greenock ever
returned a member to Parliament on account of his
height, and length. Go a long, do!

CRITICS, however much they may disagree as to generalities, are
satisfied on one point concerning Stolen Kisses at the Globe. And that
this is a vital point will be readily admitted when we state what it is.
All agree that it is a very long while since so bright and fresh and
original a piece of writing as Mr. Paul Meritt's domestic drama first
saw the light in a London theatre. Some say it is one length and some
say it is another, t is another, but all agree in naming a date which is sufficiently
remote to make the present production an epoch in the history of
modern plays and playgoers. The author is indeed by no means a
faultless writer, and he suffers under the somewhat critical disadvantage
of being very young; but it is to be hoped that such errors as these
will be cured in time. The disadvantage of youth is one that lessens
with every day, and the most austere critic will in due course
admit that a youthful dramatist is commencing to conquer that error.
For fashionable tastes Mr. Meritt is perhaps a trifle too robust. We
have been so long accustomed to "comedies," plotless, pithless struc-
tures, conveniences for the conveyance of impertinence, inanity, and-
save the mark!-epigram; that, when a play is produced that sins on
the side of story, folk are apt to be a little bewildered at first, and to
find the dish just a trifle too strong for the depraved palate. But if
this be a fault, it is at least a good one; and whatever it may do for
its ingenuous author, it is certain that Stolen Kisses will do something
towards bringing the stage to a better position in the eyes of the
community, and giving it something between the vapid nothings of
modern comedy and the dreadful doings of equally modern sensa-
tionalism, twixtt which two battledores the shuttlecock of public
opinion has for long alternated. It is not within our province to ex-
plain the plot of a new piece even when it is capable of explanation;
instead we cordially recommend our readers to learn for themselves,
especially as two or three of the characters are acted in a way which is
worthy of the writing.


ScENE.-Royal Academy, Gallery No. IT.
Artful One (noticing proximity of refreshment room) :-" OH, GEORGE
More Artful One (who has been served that way before ") :-"FAINT, EH ?

Critics-and by this be it understood we don't mean young gentle-
men who sit in the seat of he seat of the corner and sneert t all they cannot
comprehend-critics are once again agreed that the production of Lady
Audley's Secret by Mr. H. Neville is another reminder of the rapid
flight of time. Beyond this and a comparison not particularly
favourable to the new-comer between Mesdames Herbert and
Pateman-and the admission that the drama is put on the stage with
every care-there is little enough to say about a play which in its time
has set all the Hazlitts of the period agog. Mr. Neville rarely
fitted himself with a part so suitable to his somewhat unique
We have so often referred to the excellence of Bullock's
Marionettes that we need only now mention that they have taken taken the
Folly for a short summer season, and exhibit themselves there daily.
We have the more pleasure in doing this as just now there is again a
craze for "distinguished amateurs," most of whom are distinguished
more for their amateurism than for their ability. If a bundle of these
sticks would but get themselves taken to the Marionette show two or
three times, they might, under such favourable auspices, learn to "fret
their hour" a little less awkwardly in future.
Miss Glyn has commenced a fresh series of readings from Shake-
speare, to bl given in Mount-street, Grosvenor-square. While
welcoming this lady back to public life we must express our regret to
hear that the rentre is not so much one of desire as of necessity.
At the Marylebone they are playing a piece called the Idiot of the
Mill. A sporting friend of ours says that must be the one that got
himself licked, of course.

SAYs an advertisement in a daily paper: A gentleman with 500 or
600 wishes for an investment in a sound business." Well, why
doesn't he go and take a drum shop P

JULr 18, 1877.]

32 FUN (JULY 18 1,77.

.... k) ..

Mudbrown (who is making a rough pencil sketch) :-" Now THEN, CHAWBACON, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT F OuT o' THE WAY THERE !"

I DON'T believe there ever was a less heroic person than John Dobbs,
unless it were William Wilkins or Jerry Jones, his most intimate
friends and companions. A more unromantic, commonplace, pipe-
smoking, beer-swilling trio never tossed pot or snored away the fumes
of a last night's debauch. They lived in a Midland county famous for
the noble sportsmanship of its landed proprietors, but being only
labourers there was very little noble sport for John Dobbs, William
Wilkins, and Jerry Jones. Therefore they amused themselves when-
ever opportunity offered with pastime of quite another description.
Not being able to hunt the cunning fox or harry the noble stag, shoot
tame pheasants and partridges, or course the nimble hare, they turned
to low and filthy pursuits, such as prize-fighting, rat killing, and dog
racing. Nay, they now and again went even further, and it was
whispered that bull-dogs had been seen biting each other while Dobbs
and Co., with many others, stood round and wagered on the result.
Mains of cooks were talked of now and again, and in such a learned
way that those who talked must have had practical experience. So it
will be seen even at once that my three heroes, John Dobbs, William
Wilkins, and Jerry Jones, were as incorrigible a lot as one would wish
to find on a day's walk in the Midlands, and as unheroic as the most
unconventional of authors could desire.
I shall not bore my readers by attempting to particularise the way
in which these three friends became separated; how they came to
leave the loved home of their youth, and each one to journey on a
separate stream alone. Perhaps Dobbs may have been suspected of
snaring game; possibly Wilkins was the man who netted the Squire's
fish preserve; maybe it was Jones who came behind old Purblind,
the policeman, one night and, tripping him up, left him half dead with
fright and minus his helmet and staff. These things, I say, are
merely surmise, the idle talk of envious tongues, and so I will not
attempt to particularise, for the simple reason that I could not if I
would. Let it merely be recorded that in due course John Dobbs,

William Wilkins, and Jerry Jones left their native village home, each
travelling on his own account, and looking out for some way or other
of obtaining a livelihood. They were all fine, strapping, hearty
fellows, six feet two and broad in proportion, and had little fear for
the future.
Place au M'sieu Dobbs. He journeyed along until he came to a well-
known town called London, and there took service in the Life Guards
Green. In due course he became a perfect paragon of modem House-
hold chivalry, and among nursemaids and general servants was
warranted to kill at forty yards. He often said he had only to look
and they at once surrendered. Happy the girl who could secure
Corporal Dobbs for her Sunday out, and happy was Corporal Dobbs in
the enjoyment of his new life and the discovery that he was quite the
fashion-the envy of all the Jeameses and adoration of half the Marys
within a mile of Knightsbridge.
Just then, however, war was declared, and of course the Life Guards
Green were the first to be ordered for foreign service. Within a
month from the day when he had been whispering tenderest words to
his ladye love in the Park of Hyde, Dobbs was in the van of battle at
Nevermyndwhere on the continent of Europe, and performing prodigies
of valour. The despatches, written, as everyone knows, with a true
English disregard for rank and a fit acknowledgment of the merit of
the humblest British soldier, were full of his praises. Every Gazette
contained his name, and at last, after be had led a forlorn hope and
stormed the fortress of Gingerousbreadlypore, public excitement knew
no bounds. He was still Corporal Dobbs, as the rules of the service
prohibited promotion for plebeians, but as soon as peace was declared
and the Greens returned home, Dobbs received in Hyde Park what
sporting writers delight to call an Ovation. Several nursemaids com-
mitted suicide on his behalf, and one French lady's-companion went
actually mad for him. He was mentioned in two leading articles on
bravery in the Daily Dustcart, which started a subscription on his
behalf and presented him with the money some months after the last
contribution had come in, merely deducting a third for advertisements
and a trifle of 15 per cent. on the gross receipts commission. Her

JIJULY i187.) F U N 33

Majesty was graciously pleased, as Dobbs had received several wounds
and was unfit for further campaigning, to dispense with his services
and grant him the pension usual on such occasions, of sixpence per
day; and thus, with name and fame, and with his patronymic as a
synonym for gallant deeds of derring-do, John Dobbs returned to his
native village in a Midland county.
William Wilkins was not a man of war. A few weeks after his
earliest friends lost sight of him he might have been seen hard at work
in a coal mine near unto the North of England. No ladies smiled on
him, and his work was heavy and laborious, but he toiled on nor knew
he was emulating the performance of many a hero whom poets have
handed down to posterity and prose. He owed no penny he couldn't
pay, mainly because Trust had been dead in his new locality for many
a year when he arrived. And so he toiled on, each morning seeing
some task begun, each evening watching its close, just as though William
Wilkins had been a high-souled noble fellow full of the finest feeling,
who worked because he liked it, and wouldn't be beholden to anyone.
Which was not a fact, and never is except in books and poetry. As
this is neither one or the other, I will merely content myself with the
remark that in real life I never yet found anyone who cared for hard
work-real right down horny-handed brow-sweating labour-or who
did it if he had the choice between that and resting.
Well, days went on and Wilkins continued to work unceasingly and
to be regarded as merely a Common Man. As a Common Man, to be
sure, who was extremely stalwart and could do his share of work, or of
meat and drink, or of bruising, with any one in the mines; and if he
was not loved he was at least feared and respected. But at last his
opportunity came, and he showed that he too was ready when occasion
served. One day a slip occurred in the mine, and half a dozen poor
wretches found themselves shut off from home and hope and all but
the atom of life fright left them. Great was the commotion, dire the
despair. Women and children with hungry eyes and blanched lips
huddled at the pit's mouth and many a tear ran down a grimy channel
and astonished beholdprs to see there was after all a white skin beneath,
as the words Husband I" "Father!" came in broken and heart-
rending gasps from those left desolate, from those who were if not
already to soon become the widows and the orphaned.
But who is this that strides forward, and baring his arms, volun,
teers to descend and dare all P? Who is this whose example is epidemic
and who soon finds gallant followers ? Who in that day becomes a
leader among men, and not only encourages others but does a giant's
deeds himself P Who is it who ultimately, narrowly sacrificing his own
life, succeeds in saving the lives of all the others ? Who that is blessed
by the tears and heartfelt thanks of the wives and children for whom
he has done so much? Who but William Wilkins! Then indeed
comes out the Daily Dustcart, and the name of Wilkins is trumpeted to
the winds of heaven. Never was there such a man!-never so noble
an uncut diamond, so rich a nature's nugget. "Such men as these,"
concluded the writer of a magnificently original leader, "are England's
pride, and Wilkins must have a testimonial, for which we shall be happy
to receive subscriptions." And the money poured in, and more articles
were written; and in due course, after the usual deductions and com-
missions, the hero received what was due to him. And also in due
course Wilkins, with his name a blessing and his heroism a topic of
daily conversation, fall of thanks and honours, returned to his native
village in a Midland county.
And now dear reader I must stop short, for a minute as it were. It
would be unfair to hurry over the glorious doings of Jones or the great
things which came of them. I will therefore ask you to wait one little
week to see these heroes re-united and to mark the inevitable result.

"Convey the wise it call."
SEVERAL futile attempts, so the American papers say, have been
made to assassinate Mr. Stilltong, the New York Berald's correspondent
in Utah. By his managing to escape so repeatedly it would appear
that a Still tong conveys a wise head in the new country as well as in
the old. Except for the age of the proverb, however, it would seem
more natural if the head conveyed the tongue.

THE Mayor of Montreal very properly declined to give official
sanction to the parade of Orangemen on the 12th. He was quite right
when he thought that such an Orange display would sow the seeds of
intolerance, and bring forth fruit of a kind quite different from that
inscribed on their bananners.

Worsted Work.
A TELEGRAM says:-" The Russian troops have againbeen worsted."
This is enough to make the Czar knit his brows and darn his-well,
his troops.
A FL3GTINQ Joy.-The Naval Supremacy of England.

with eloquence grown rhythmic, musical (what we call poetry),
drew irontear from the cheek of Pluto; but by what witchery of rhyme or prose
wilt thou from the pocket of Plutus draw gold !"-CAR.YyE.
OH, pray regard this humble bard,
Behold him shed a tear;
Observe his locks, through sorrow's shocks,
They're white, or very near.
You'll all agree the Bard (that's me!)
Has utterly been sold.
Though people praise my wondrous lays,
They never give me gold I
I've written reams on lovers' themes,
Those sentimental things
Concerning darts and trusting hearts,
And little boys with wings.
The rhymes I penned I'd often send
To folks in Cupid's fold,
Who often would remark "that's good "-
But never tipped me gold!
'Tis very sad, you're just as bad,
You readers, one and all;
When pressed by need, I often plead,
You ne'er regard my call.
You're hard of heart, and never part."-
Though often you behold
This Bard of Fun's oppressed by dune,
You never send me gold I

AC I.-Spring.
HE. I say, don't you think we ought to have a garden, flowers
and things, you know ? If we had those weeds, and that grass, and
those trees pulled up, I think we might have a nice show by the
SHe. Yes, it would be nice, and we could get it done for five
pounds. (They have it done.)
Ha. Let's have a pound's worth of seeds and put them in, and
build a rookery, and buy a garden-roller, and a spade, and a rake, and
a hoe! We shall want 'em, you know.
SHs. Yes, give me ten pounds and I'll go and buy 'em. (She goes.)
Ha. That's it; now I'll take in the Gardeners' Chronicle and buy a
big straw hat, and when the summer comes we shall be all right.
ACT II.- Summer.
Ha. My dear, I've ordered sixty feet of tubing to water the garden,
and twenty bushels of cocoa-nut fibre to put on the beds. Let's go and
see how the garden's getting on.
SHE. Oh, there's nothing up yet, but I've had two men six days
raking and tidying, and I've put wire all round to keep the. cats offa
and I think there'll soon be something.
HE. I shall build a glass house, just a little inexpensive thing, a4.
the corner of the garden, where we can put the plants away for the
SEE. Yes; and I've bought a lot of those pretty glass things for
the dinner table to put-cut flowers in. It'll be so nice to say, "Out
of our own garden! I shall be quite proud, shan't you ?
Ha. Yes. But, I say, when do you think there'll be any flowers
to cut ? Ain't they rather backward P
Sui. Oh, no. A few more warm days, and you'll see.
ACT III.-Autumn.
HE. I say, my dear, I've been adding up, and I find, implements
and labour included, I've spent 94 on this garden of yours.
SuH. Oh, such a surprise, dear. Come into the garden, quick.
There, look, there's one geranium flowered at last. How delightful I
HE. Hum, I think I'll buy one all a-blowin' and a-growin' next
year for sixpence. I shall save 93 19s. 6d.
SHE. Oh, but then you won't have the pleasure of growing it
yourself. You are so unromantic.

(Picked up at the Queen's Theatre on July 12.)
TaHs new thing, as you must own,
Most folks call a Telephoan,
But I'd bet at least "a pony"
That the word is Telephoney.

GOOD NAME TO GIT Iw A Mess wiTH.-Muktar Paeiha.

34 FU N. [JULY 18, 1877.

Youthful Guest:-" BooHOo-oo-oo! BOOHOO-OO-Oo !" Rector :-" HALL! DEAR, DEAR ME! WHAT'S THE MATTER, LITTLE MAN F"
Y. 0-:-"Aoo! I can't! TaHY's FULL A'READY1 Oo-oo!"

THERE is a rumour that the Rape of the Lock is to be novelised
in prose as Mist-tress and Maid," by the author of the Wandering
The editor of a forthcoming comic has requested Mr. Morris to do
him some Earthly Parodies. He's heard he's very good at them.
War is the title of a new paper. Of course, if war leaves off it will
go all to peace.
It is confidently asserted in certain literary circles that Scotland is
the Black Country.
For Civil Service Exam.
Q.-What was the cause of the Gordon Riots ? A.-Religious
fervour. Q.-Is there any chance of a repetition of them ? A.-Yes.
In the event of the proprietors of the Holborn Restaurant stopping
their three-and-sixpenny dinner there would be Gordon Riots, com-
pared with which the others would be nothing.
A VEST-ED INTEREST.-Schneider's "little bill."
A BLUE" PILL, HARD TO SWALLOw.-The recent scandal at
Christ's Hospital.

Bury True.
SoMa people have been asking why Prince Leopold should have pre-
sided at the inauguration of a memorial tablet to Alberico Gentili;
and others, why after so many many years the trouble should have
been taken to put up the tablet ? The answer to the first conundrum
is, Because of his Gentility; and as to the other, we should think no
one can decry a monument which is erected to the first man who dis-
covered what was due to inter national law.

Another Atrocity.
WHY is the Commander-in-Chief of the Turkish army like a law-
officer of the Crown ? Because he's a tawny general. (Please excuse
the accent.)
A CRoWN JEWEL."-Blankum's infallible hair restorer. (N.B.-
Beware of counterfeits.)
AN ORGAN THAT REQUIRES A STOP.-The Organization of Charity.
No0w Ready, the Thirty-Second Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.

Extra Strong
Sui all. Hands s~d rn r Sf
pj --Soldinld &sorl~ros Boxe. *huun 1U I
b'Y a Ska ..byostori A ore e im m ui u!u E U
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1,0a Wholeieoa daa ~se40a-N. J.POWELL & Co 101,White hapelN cUTFON-4.- W.,.sA,5..k.. i pr... 2.od. ft-.s k.f.

Uaf'. BR
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ASLSP0i t6th

Printed by JUDD & CO., PhoBnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Doctor' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, July 18, 1877.

Jun 25, 7l.] FUN 35

I NaVR can sleep of a night
FPer thinking of words that will rhyme;
By day they will seldom "come right,"
And night seems the happiest time.
They easily float through my dreams,
And verses pour out by the yard,
But day puts a stop to the streams
And freezes up Helicon hard!
And when in the morning I wake,
I find, upon writing them down, V -
That "Crimson" is rhyming to "Lake "-
And Madder is rhyming to "Brown"!
In dreams this appeared good enough-
And perfect, in fact, in its way I
Yet-strangely! -'twas worse than the stuff
I ever have written by day!
Away with these visions I'll try
What waking and working will do;
Dream-poems are "made but to die,"
And never will bring me a screw" !
Iyve made up my mind to it quite-
The healthy and sensible way
Will be to sleep soundly all night
And dream and write verses by day !

A Field Marshal.
FILDn Marshal His Royal Highness the Prince of
-Wales did not attend the Windsor review because he
went to the Duke of Devonshire's garden party. So
says the Army and Navy Gazette, and then it adds as a
further reason that, by an oversight, he was not asked.
The latter might have come first like the one of a
hundred which a gentleman once had; but what an im-
portant person a Field Marshal must be to be quite over-
looked at a review I Moltke has laughed in his seven
languages ever since he heard of it.

Joy is Dangerous.
TH "Captain Williams Fund Committee" have ac- THE SPIRIT OF EMULATION.
cepted a nomination to Christ's Hospital for the eldest
cepted a nomination to Christ'ne s Hospital for the eldest Oter Newspapers give accounts and illustrations of the hair-breadth escapes
boy. They say this generous offer quite upset the lad ofTHEIR SPECIALS; we don't see why we shouldn't. The above represents a GREAT
for a time, and well it might. BATTLE, and our artist has taken up his position directly between the two armies.
The brave brave man is making a sketch, regardless of danger and intent only
THE NEW SENSATION COLLAm.-The Collar-ado. on duty. Yet he isn't to be compared with some others we know !

LONG RUNS. gentlemen playgoers rush on the stage to do any other part that may
S( o s certain Tlheatre near the Bitrand. be required, and, there being nobody to perform to, the curtain
FIRST PLAGOR. Old Bttertub said two words of his part wrong dcends.)
just now-did you notice that ? "If" and the," yon know.
SECOND PLAYGOER. Yes, I heard that, though I dessay you know A PRONOUNCED SUCCESS.
it better than I do. I've only seen it a hundred and thirteen times; A CORRESPONDENT signing himself Which Field?" writes to know
and thirty four out of them were when I was quite a boy. how the Premier's title should be pronounced. We put our poet on
THIRD PLAYGOER. Ah, then you wouldn't know it so well. I've the job, piece work, and append the result.
seen it, let's see, two hundred and seventy thr-
FIRST PLAYGOER. Old Battertub's memory is getting weak. He To FIELD.
don't remember his part as he used when he was in his prime- Your elders-and your deacons, Field,
SacoND PLAYGOEn. Oh, he's not so old as Sir Blooblud Chutnee; Would hardly call it Beaconsfield,
he must be getting on- Hullo, what's up ? Because the owner reckons, Field,
THE STAGE MANAGER. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm extremely sorry His proper title's Beaconsfield.
to say that Mr. is suddenly unable, through advancing senility, to
continue his part of Sir Blooblud Chutnee.
FiSarPLAYGOER. Oh, here-nevermind. l knowthe partperfectly, The Stafford House Fund.
let me go on with it. WE are requested by the Stafford House Committee to state that as
(This offer is accepted, and he goes on with it.) some misunderstanding has arisen, the money they obtain from the
STAGE MANAGER. Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to state that public will go solely to the relief of the wounded Turks, and under no
Mr. has also broken down (by reason of great age) in the part of circumstances will any dying Christian or mangled Bulgarian be
Parkin Buttertub; but if any gentleman among the audience happens attended to. As so many noble lords and ladies are on the committee,
to know the part sufficiently- we have much pleasure in giving this announcement publicity, and
SECOND PLAYGOER, AND MANY OTHER PLAYGOERS (in chorus) Here! trust all Christians will contribute freely,
Yes, I know it perfectly! (About a third of the male Playgoers rush
on to the stage in a body to do Parkin Buttertub.)
STAGE MANAGER. I'm very sorry to trouble you again-but we Coached up.
suddenly find ourselves in need of a lady to finish the part of Miss SOME adventurous pickaxers down at Eastbourne have unearthed a
Chutnee, as Miss has a particular engagement. coach and horses and a driver and his whistle, all in skeleton bien
ALL THE LADY PLAYGOERS (with one mighty voice.) I know every entendu, that disappeared mysteriously a century or so ago. This is
word of the part-let me. evidently the coach and horses that used to be driven through Acts of
(The Auditorium is cleared of ladies in an instant; all the remaining Parliament before they took three years to frame and carry.


36 F 'LT N [JbL-r 25, 1817
helmeted sturdy fellows, with axes in their belts and determination on
THE LAST BULGARIAN ATROITY. their faces, sat like representatives of England's home-cured heroism
T HE was a mild Blgrian who watched the brutal Turks behind the energetic driver. A crowd was hurrying after the vehicle,
T was a mild Bulgarian who watched the brutal Turks but Jones, who had had no dinner for two days; preferred to go
Decapitate his grandmother and other wicked works; "home and have four pen'orth of sleep. Jones' had never heard it
He saw them chop his babies up and make them into. pies, authoritatively stated that "he who sleeps dines," but that there is
While others played at marbles with his near relations' eyes. parallelism in all great minds was proved by his putting the precept
He watched them burn the villages, the churches, and the priests, into execution repeatedly during his stay in the metropolis.
And otherwise behave themselves hke very loathsome beasts. Next day Jerry read in the papers that there had ben a great fire,
But when he told the Tory press who came to view the scene, and that at the risk of their lives the engine and escape men rescued
They smiled and said, "In war, my friend, such things have ever several people. Ah," said he, "now I may get a chance." And as
been." it doesn't require much interest, to get a fine strapping fellow into a
And then they curled their upper lips and made a sly grimace, force where there is every day a prospect, more or less remote, of
Implying that Bulgaiian had magnified the case. losing one's life for a moderate remuneration of lessi than a pound a
The Turkmplings were perfect gentlemen who wouldn't hurt a fly, week, Jones after a short time found himself wearing the uniform of
And couldnrks even bear to hear Christian baby cry. a fireman and passing a somewhat monotonous and uneventful
Of ourse, they might by accident have killed some girls and boys, existence. It was summer, and fires were necessarily scarce; so
But that would hardly justify bin kicking up a noise, heroism had no chance for a long while, and nothing to do beyond
No doubt his granddam's "twopenny" had tumbled off from learning to fire straight with the hose- and look after the horses.
fright, There was also an occasional practice gallop, which, though good fun
And if his friends had lost their eyes-'twas careless-serve 'em in its way, was hardly exciting enough for one who had in his time
right! broken every law possible in a Midland village.
But things were not destined to go on like this for long. The days
He went, that mild Bulgarian, and sought a mountain top, were shortening fast, the evenings were becoming dark and tempestuous,
And waited till the Russians came his enemies to whop; and Jerry Jones found himself one night aroused from sleep with
And then he took his walking stick and found the army corps every prospect of his fondest wish being realized. His heart beat as
Prepared to leave his vengeance to the whirligig of war. they clattered through the almost deserted streets towards the dull
And so it chanced he found himself, an army at his back, red glare in the distance; it beat still faster, not with fear indeed, but
Among some Moslem mountaineers who hadn't time to pack. with fierce emulation, when they were close to the blazing pile and
He thought upon the home and kin he'd lost by sword and flame, heard that there was need of daring now or never. Have you ever,
And in his passion called a Turk a bad Bulgarian name. reader, stood at a London fire, and heard the cry of distress from some
The news of this Atrocity soon reached the Tory press, poor imprisoned wretch doomed to most dreadful death F If not,
Their Christian blood ran cold at once (the Jewish did no less); Heaven send you never may; it her a gruesome, standing at and a sickening.
They shrieked aloud and rolled their eyes and called upon the The first and, as it turned out, the last fidare y Jones ever visited in
State hi official care pacity possessed this element o horror. It was in a poor
To interfere and save the Turks from such a fearful fate. and densely populated neighbourhood, and when, as was thought, the
They shuddered in their inner rooms and fainted in the ink, last family had been extricated from the half-dozen ricketty tenements
On such an outrage on the Turk 'twas horrible to think. now in fall blaze, a shriek went up as a woman was seen through the
Let twenty thousands Moslem heels crush sampled couristians in the paper) smoke, with two chlden in her arms, slippeding at one of the upper
But not one hair on Moslem heads shall bad Bulgarians hurt. windows.
It might be done, men sail, if anyone dared to risk it. Bat who
would care to run the chance of roasting himself alive to save a pauper
ENof GLAND'S U VARNISED HEROES. and her bratsone hurried Does no one volunteer? Aof Jonyes, see Jerry Jones.
I can guarantee, as I happened to be an eye-witnes of all the eventAs this is not a sensational narrative, I will merely say that to as
dtaild in it. Jon, W B Tbrave and noble a deed as ever was done three lives were due. Thrice
LAJerrT week I took the almost unexampled corse (on this paper) of it appeared all over with him, once his foot slipped and he only by the
asking the reader to allow me to keep the adventures of Jerry Jones merest fluke saved himself from the furnace beneath; but at lasrly he,
over, of that I might do them the fullest justice. Also that I might blessed with herculean strength and courage to match, stood safe with
reanite the three companions af travail and trouble had endeared his charges on the ground once more. Then such a cheer was ofiven as
them to their native village and to each other. I will now take up an Englishman loves to hear; and the excitement being now over, and
the dropped thread, and trust its unravellig will be to the satisfaction se criptio n list by for the poor wains jfullt saved being mooted,
of all interested in heroes and heroism. That the story is a true one every one hurried off to bed and dreams of Jones's bravery.
I can guarantee, as I happened to be an eye-witness of all the events There was a good deal about this in the papers, but though Jerry
detailed in it. Jones was sadly burnt and had to wear a wig and blue spectacles-
Jerry Jones, then, like his congener the great Corporal Dobbs of suchrious guise this for a hero!-fnd sor many months, he got no testimonial.
the Life Guards Green, also travelled to London, though not in the The editor of the Daily Dpublicart was busy getting a particularly
company of that gallant warrior, otherwise he might also have enlisted, heinous murderer the respite he deserved; and the rest of the staff
and one part of my plot would have been destroyed for ever. His were engaged in the manufacture of Atrocities at the seat of war.
intention was to join the navy and emulate the deeds of days long Besides, an enthusiastic sub-editor had rather muddled their last sub-
gone, but being, as I have described, six feet two and broad in pro- scription list by paying the money over in full, ding the absence of
portion, he was too big for any beigt a first-class ironclad, and as these his chief, without any discouke bread or deduction whatsoever. The other
were all at the time laid up in ordinary undergoing repairs, he had to papers were liberal enough of their praise, but they didn't go in for
wait awhile. During the time he was waiting he read an account of such a thing as qu testimonial, and so Jerry Jones had to do without
how two highly-finished first-rate British ships on a foreign station any but the emptiest form of public recognition. But an anonymous
had been engaged with a rebel ironclad not armed or manned half as admirer sent him a hu funds, the brigade men made up a purse
well as either of them, and after several hours' fighting the foreigner for their half -crippled brother; and in due course, full of fame, but
managed to steam off not so much hurt as his assailants. And Jerry sadly e horn of his manly beauty, Jerry Jones, being recommended
Jones, being an undetored man and not able to understand the change of air, also returned to his native village in a Midland county.
technical reasons put forth for this, was greatly gried. Not being a Anid now, you see, we have again together three of the bravest
stalkingch Conservative-indeed, being nothing at a but an ignorant fellowsturn that ever broke bread or the laws of an outrage country.
ass-Jones thought the navy was not what it had been in the days of For a while they were much admired, but admiration is not a par-
whichstarve inhad read, when Jervis, and Howe, and Collingwood, and tiularly lasting quality, especially when the admirers and the
Nelson, not only never were two to one, but when one to two generally admirees are brought in close and continuous contact. For
managed to score a victory. And so, as I h ay, being insufficiently a while John Dobbs and William Wilkins and Jerry Jones smoked
educated to understand that it requires more seamanship nowadays to their pipes and drank their beer, fall of the dignity of good deeds, and
keep one (English) ironclad afloat than it took to secure all Nelson's required nothing better than an opportunity of comparing notes as to
victories, this poor dunderhead voted the navy degenerate and gave what had happened to the village and themselves during the time of
himself up to the search for another occupation. their enforced retirement from it. But soon, I regret to say, this
He wasn't long in discovering something suited to his tastes, mild kind of excitement began to pall upon them-soon they began to
Walking along one night, wondering whether after all it wouldn't return to their old and evil ways-soon the end of their heroism was
have been as well to brave the ire of magnates in the country as to to be seen approaching. And in due course it came. At this stage
starve in London, he was aroused from his torpor by the galloping of grief overmasters me, and all I can do is to present the reader with an
horses, the rattling of wheels, and the shouting in no measured accents extract from the local police returns of a well-known village in a Mid-
of "Hi! hi hi!" LIoking round he saw a red machine rapidly land county.
approaching. Fire and smoke were vomited from it, and several brass- "Before a full bench of magistrates on Monday last three notoriously


disreputable fellows, John Dobbs, William Wilkins, and Jeremiah
Jones, were charged with snaring game on the land of the Rev. Jonas
Jumper, chairman of the bench. This was the only charge proceeded
with, though it was known that these hulking vagabonds had for years
been in the habit of poaching on the preserves of the magistrates, and
had some time back to leave the neighbourhood because of their
irregularities. The Rev. Peter Purblind, J.P., said he was sure it was
Jones who netted his fish-pond, and other of the worthy Justices were
positive that Dohbs and Wilkins had done similar depredation on
their property. Parish-constable Walker gave evidence, and said
prisoners were a great trouble to him; they indulged in cock-fighting,
skittles, dog-racing, boxing, and such other criminal amusements;
and he felt sure they were guilty of whatever they were charged with.
The defendants made a lame defence, and spoke of having done good
service elsewhere, but the rev. chairman very properly and with
great esprit said that elsewhere was not in his jurisdiction. The bench
without retiring sentenced the culprits to six months each with hard
Alas for the vanity of human greatness! Alas, too, for those who
think that bravery is a possession spotless as the driven snow.

HEARTRENDING sight for attached domestic-Old Lady REDUCED TO

SIR THEOPrILUS SHEPSTONE is being Boerd to death by the Trans-
vaal community.
The Orange Riots in Montreal have led to several lemontable
occurrences. The ringleaders were arrested by orange peelers.
Considerable alarm was occasioned by one of the bench of Bishops
jumping up suddenly yesterday. As he was on the end of the bench,
it tilted and let the others down. It is stated that the worthy prelate
had just woke up to the fact that Ritualism was getting dangerous.
A well known burlesque actress has been tumbling into the water;
not being dressed for a part, she unfortunately had something on to
get wet.

Benjamin's Little Game.
THE Seebach scandal is, we understand, likely to come before the
public again in another form. In the meantime the noble mystery of
Asia declines to Seebach so far as that ticklish conversation of his.
Short memories are convenient at times, even to great Tory states-

One AdWantage.
COUNT GLricuzN's statue of Alfred the Great has been erected in a
town of which everyone may claim to be an inhabitant. We live in a
Want age, all of us.

A Ministerial Job.
WHEN Lord Beaconsfield beard that his nice little game at the
Stationery Office had been condemned by a majority in the House, he
said it was a bad job. We quite agree with the Premier, it was.

A NOVEL CHTretc 'MOVEMENT: The presentation of "Effie Deans"
to her Majesty at Windsor Castle.


"The performance of both men was most marvellous. The least conservative
of athltes would, a few years back, have ridiculed the idea of any man walking
twenty-two miles in three hours, yet both the winner and the loser in this Inatch
succeeded in covering more than that, on a bad day. though there can be no
doubt as to the distance, and there was not the slightest suspicion of "lift"
about either."- Weekly Paper.
YOUNG Perkins 'ails from Camberwell, a little one is 'e,
And 'Owes his even smaller, but their deeds a) e great to see.
They've done the biggest walking-feat this world 'as hever known,
'And ain't I proud they're Cockney bred an' Cockney blood an' bone.
Hold 'Owes, who's nearly forty year,'as'done some waliant deeds,
You'd think 'e was a boy again as on the track 'e speeds.
But Perkins is a wunner who 'as never yet.been beat
At any distance suited to 'is nimble little feet.
Hall though the day was dull an' damp, an' 'eavy 'tng the clouds,
The willing' shillin' at the gate was paid by anxious crowds;
By not a few the hextra bob for seats in part reserved
Was paid away with readiness-the hextra's well deserved.
Now Perkins was the favourite becos 'e's young an' strong,
But them as backed the old 'un didn't do so wery wrong.
'E's stout of 'art an' strong of limb; he stayed the distance through,
Though Perkins took 'im at a pace as wonderful as new.
Behold 'em standing' on the mark; get ready his the word,
Then "go" ; an' there is Perkins horf afore the other's stirred.
Along the cinder-path 'e speeds, the fleetest of the fleet,
-But 'Owes is pegging 'ard away and'e'll be bad to beat."
Away, away, the pace his warm, Young Perkins makes it 'ot.
Height miles less height yards "in one is warmish, his hit not P
.Time was when-such a record would have been considered wrong,
Yet 'Owes is not so far behind, an' still his fresh an' strong.
When they 'ad gone a dozen miles the young 'un still 'ad gained.
A quarter-mile divided them, and 'Owes was summut pained
To think, though walking' at a pace unheard of until now,
'E never once could get in front,-to Fate we hall must bow.
Hi must admit hit's jolly 'ard to do a wondrous feat,
Hand yet from start to finishto be regularly beat.
'Tis 'ard for 'Owes to know that'e'd a-beaten all of yore-
Yes, beaten 'em like babies-an' be second now, no more I
They'd covered nearly heighteen mile when, Perkins feeling queer,
Informed 'is mentor, Mister Boot, 'e wished the hend was near ;
Then Mister Richard Lewis went to'Owes's side an' said,
Now 'ie thee honward, William, an' hi think you'll go ahead."
The race was droring near hits hend, excitement reigned supreme,
And hold 'uns present 'eld their breath, hexclaiming, Do hi dream ?"
As hinch by hinch the 'Ackney man kept gainin' hon 'is foe,
But Perkins struggled gamely though 'e rolling was and slow.
Has lap by lap and hinch by hinch hold 'Owes was seen to gain,
The young 'un's backers faltered an' seemed full of innard pain.
The young 'un staunchly stuck to work, hand has the time flew by
'E said, Hi mean to win this 'ere unless hi drop an' die! "
Hand when the time was hall but hup the pace 'ad told hits tale:
Poor 'Owes 'ad struggled wondrous well but 'e was doomed to fail.
For Perkins just 'ad strength enough to walk till time was due,
An' though 'e finished well hin front they both beat twenty-two."
This 'ere's a splendid struggle; such 'as never been afore.
Har, when shall we in future witness sioh a special score ?
No doubt there his that both the pair har giants among men,
For they were clocked hoficially by Mister Joseph Jenn.

A Presumptuous Person.
A coRnoNER's jury at Liverpool sat on what they considered to be
the body of one John Graham, a grocer and provision dealer, and
returned a verdict of found drowned in the canal. On the following
day the supposed deceased attended before the coroner and said he
supposed there must be some mistake." Naturally, it is a great mis-
take for any man to remain alive after a British jury have declared
him dead. And an impertinence as well. This is a very gross case;
no one knows a grocer.

"UNiow is not always strength," as was Casually remarked the
other morning by a tramp as he paused midway with his gruel.

JuLY 25, 1877.]

38 FITfN rJULY 25, 1877.

r11. Illy I


I i-A


THE ruddy round cherry is thick on the bough,
And the plums look exceedingly fine,
The peach and the apricot ripening now
All the flavours of nectar combine.
As I gaze on the gardens that jewel the land,
And the fruits with the bloom on their skins,
The trade that is done I can not understand
In those foreign delusions in tins.
I fancied our plentiful orchards could bear
All the apples the Britisher eats,
And I know that a native grown apple or pear
All the trash of the Continent beats.
But the shops of the grocers are full, and they groan
With the fruit which was first of our sins,
And they're double the price that we ask for our own,-
Those American apples in tins.

"A Rose by any other Name- ."
LADY DAMIN'S garden party was one of the events of the City of
London season. A friend of ours to whom all citizens are the same,
was sadly disappointed to find this was not a special show of tea-

No Wonder.
A DAILY paper says that the Duke of Devonshire's second garden
party was a great success. The only drawback to it was, we should
think, this, which appears in the same account: Her Royal Highness
Princess Mary Adelaide Duchess of Teck arrived at half past o'clock;
the Prince of Wales was present, and Lady Caroline Cast." It isn't
nice to have to use a vulgarism, however expressive it may be, when
talking of such great folks; but of this reporter it can hardly be said
that "he knows what's o'clock."

Brokers Ahead I
A BAILIrP in Manchester has been committed for trial for stealing
several articles from a dwelling house of which he was the man in
possession." It is hard to understand how a man, being in possession,
could steal from himself. Besides, as a bailiff, he must have known
" possession is nine points of the law," and possessed him self legally
and accordingly.

Road Down.
A SPORTING paper informs its readers that a boatrace between Glas-
gow and Edinburgh is to be rowed shortly. It doesn't say who are to
be the rowers, but whoever they may be the course will certainly be a
novel one. It looks to us like a Scotch joke (one that requires an
N.B. at the end of course).

FUJI .-JULY 25, 1877.





JULY 25, 1877.] F N. 4

IN mid r Jy

Where earthaad ,sky
In beauty vie
And all, things try
'To please the eye,
While up on high
Sweet songsters fly,
And there is nigh
A maiden sly
Who heaves a sigh
And asks you why
The roses die,
Sings She and I,"
Sweet love good-bye,"
And Thro' the Rye"
In mid July.

Kind to be Cruel.
Ms. JUSTICa Lusn has sentenced a man who
committed bigamy to one day's imprisonment.
His lordship has been the first to discover that
the real way to punish a man who takes two
wives is to leave him to the ladies, and not put
four strong walls between them.

Judicially Jokeful.
CHIEF BARON KELLY received in Merioneth
recently the first pair of white kid gloves ever
presented to him during a long judicial
career." When asked what size he would
take, he replied, "Oh, the usual 'maiden
'size' to be sure!

Natural Inferences.
AFTER reading the newspapers: That all
public companies are frauds, all charities
swindles, and all detectives humbugs.

Tourist (who is great at astonishing the Natives) :-" WELL, MY MAN, I SUPPOSE YOU CAN
Scotch Shepherd:-" Ea, HON, AND A LONG WAY BEYANT."
Tourist :-" BaYOND! WHY, WHERE CAN YOU SB ?"

ScENE: France. Arrival of LIBERTY in a Balloon. MARSHAL
MAC .AHON, surrounded by the Army, discovered seated.
MARSHAL. Really, madam, I haven't the pleasure of remembering
your face.
LIBsRTY. Indeed! Yet as President of a Republic you should not
be altogether unacquainted with Liberty.
MARSHAL. Oh, Liberty, of course! Yes, I have a dim recollection
of you now. I think you were in France last in Thiers's time ?
LIBERTY. Yes. And now I've come to have a little talk with
MARSHAL. I shall be very pleased, indeed, but I've very little time
to spare for you at present. I'm saving the country from itself.
LIBERTY. You have changed the Ministry, I hear F
MARSHAL. Yes. Kicked them out and dissolved the Assembly.
MARSHAL. Because they were Liberal and I'm Conservative.
LIBrRTY. Rather a daring thing to do ?
MARSHAL. Plucky, wasn't it ? Well, and I've had all the Liberal
newspapers seized and the editors arrested, and I've appointed all my
own magistrates to try them and find them guilty, and I've shut up all
the political clubs.
LIBERTY. But don't you think such conduct very much out of
place in a temporary President of a Free Republic. Why, they
wouldn't stand it under a Monarchy-Parliament would interfere.
MARSHAL. Ah! but I don't allow any Parliaments to interfere.
I've got rid of the old one, and I shan't allow a new one to be elected
till I can get my own men in.
LIBERTY. Postpone the elections till you choose to allow them !
Why, you disfranchise France and become a military tyrant.
MARSHAL. I am President of the Republic.
LmESRTY. Republic! Pshaw. You disgrace the name. You are
a despot of the worst class. Here, lower my balloon, I'm off to
England. They may have a little grandmotherly Gavernment there,
but, thank goodness, they're not a free Republic d la Frangaise

OH, had I now to choose a maid,
And hail her as my bride,
I feel the claims of look and grade
I'd have to put aside.
My lady love should be the lass
Who-though no forward minx-
Could sharp examination pass
In mixing cooling drinks.
I would not mind if she were past
The early days of youth,
Or if she were a little fast-
I like to tell the truth.
I would not mind if she were poor:
Though that would be a sell,
I'd pardon much if I were sure
She'd mix a salad well.

Positive as well as Comparative.
Da. LYON PLAYFAIR states that if the dwellings of the honest poor
in London were as healthy as felons' cells, from eight to ten years
a life would be added to the labouring classes. Comparisons are, we
know, odious, and if thievery causes one man to live in a cell, honesty
often leaves another to die in a cellar. And Dr. Playfair ought to
know; he is a celebrated man, though it is only celldom he studies
the subject.
Single Stick.
A PROVINCIAL paper reports the levying of a distress warrant on a
small theatre, and adds, "not a single stick was left." A distress
warrant with a similar result is a desideratum at some of our big town
houses certainly.
A FIR-TaRE 139 feet high has just been cut down in Hungary. The
proprietor had it cut because the top was too fir away from the bottom.


42 IFUN. [JULY 26, 1877.


There's a man who always pounces upon our Comic Artist whenever he sees him


And will take his arm and say, "I say, why don't you do some comic drawing about my And then he makes our C. A. sit down while he repeats his entirely
adventure with a mouse? "--(or a pig, or something)-" Capital subject for you!" personal and unmeaning adventure.

\ ^ /" ^n \.-i ll a, &a-

"There!" he exclaims. "There's a fnlue idea! Awfully funny" he always stands on ur A's coattails until our C. A. swears to use the idea.
Our C. A. has already perjured himself fifteen times-What is to be done ?

JU~LY 25, '1877.'



A LECTRYON'S my name, and
/ /^' I've gained a certain fame
1 1 Which isn't of a very pleasant
I'll enumerate my woes, and en-
deavour to disclose
The sorrows that are preying on
my mind.
i I was once a handsome youth, and
was idolized, forsooth,
Yes, was petted up by everyone
I knew;
SBut I had to change my gear, and
become a chanticleer,
And daily-carol, "Cock-a-doodle-.

You must understand that Mara
(who is now among the stars)
Went paying court to Venus, who
was fair:
She'd a finely chiselled nose, though,
I'll own that as to clothes
She never had a large amount to;
Now Mars, he said to me, "Just
wait outside," said he,
"'And notice if Apollo comes in:
Just hang about the gate, and tip the griffin' straight,
By imitating Cock-a-doodle-doo! ",
So I lingered round the gate, in a semi-nervous state,
But determined that my vigil I would keep;
And I smoked a cigarette (the mildest I could get),
When suddenly I dozed-and fell asleep!
And lo, along the street, came Apollo on his beat;
And shed along the Easta ruddy hue;
And instead of singing out an electrifying shout-
' I forgot to holloa, Cock-a-doodle-doo! "
Then wasn't there a row F Apollo's angry brow
Soon terrified the wooers pretty quick-
By Jingo, how he swore (a thing he'd never done before)
And vowed he'd settle Mars with half a brick!
But Mars was up to snuff, and he bolted sharp enough-
And he beat your humble servant black and blue;
And to vengeance being -spurred, he transformed me to a bird-
The bird that carols Cock.a-doodle-doo!"
My apparel then I shed-and feathers came instead,
And suddenly my nose became a beak;
I'd wattles round my jaws-and my feet were turned to claws-
Because Mars declared I'd proved a little sneak.
And the vagabond averred I should e'er remain a bird,
A member of the many-feathered crew;
From my roost condemned to run, at the rising of the sun,,
With my shrilly cry of 1' Cock-a-doodle doo!"
--o-- --
CoMB, ladies and gentlemen, gather round,.
And classical doings I'll here expound,
And so, if your leisure you'd well employ,
Attend to my tale of the Siege of Troy.
Now it happened that Paris, a wayward lad,
A genuine type of the classic cad,"
Fair Helen away from her home decoyed,
Which worried her "hubby," likewise annoyed.
Menelaus, for that was her husband's name,
Considered that Paris was much to blame,.
So after a number of tears he'd shed,
Said he,." I'll pursue him and punchkhis head."
HisBfriends:their sympathy all express,
Agamemnon, Ulysses, and all the rest,
Exclaiming, Our services we'll devote.
Go, pitch into Paris; we'll hold, your coat."
So eachmwarrior went to his pa and ma, .
And tearfully uttered Adieu, ta-ta!
We're off to land' Paris on Ilium's plains,
And. we mean to throw stones at his window-panes.

"Menelaus's missus he stole away,
And that's why we've put on our war array.
We'll stick to our pal, and we won't come back
Till Paris's optics are wreathed in black! "
Friends strove to dissuade them, but all in vain,
They toddled away by the morning train;
And anon their bosoms were filled with joy
When the menwat the terminus shouted Troy !"
Then brave Menelaus and all his mates
Soon kicked uip a row at the Trojan gates,
And loudly thev vented this warlike shout-
"Chicoorup! Whoy-ay Bring your warriors out!"
Achilles, and all of the valiant band,
Did wonderful deeds in the Trojan land,
And their numerous battles,.as .you may guess,
Were fully described in thedaily-press;
Ten years did they struggle their cause to gain;
Ten years did they battle, but all in vain,
Till the Grecians at length-made a wooden horse -
In which they secreted their-leading force.
The horse was conveyed through the gates of Troy,
And it proved an exceedingly neat decoy,
For at midnight.the parties concealed inside
Went in for a massacre far and wide.
Young Paris they punched inthe dead of night,
And all his companions they put to flight.
And lo, whenathe Grecians.had gained the day
They lighted their: pipes and&exclaimed Hooray !"
Menelaus sought Helen, butididn't he swear
When he found she'd grown older and dyed her hair'F:
Then he sued for-divorce in the usual -way,
And. the jury empanelled .at once said "' Yea! "
Soon'afterwards. Helen obtained employ--.
At aluncheon-bar up in the High-streetTrioy.
Menelaus migrated to foreign scenes'
And- wedded a widow of tidy means,.
The various chieftainauswhose names bred fear,
Made merry o'er several quarts :of beer.
Then they toddled away to their native shore,
And that wasithe end of the.Trojan-War.

YEs, my dear children, the Court of Aldermen refused to accept him,
and so we, the doughty burghers of the ward, called up the 'prentice
lads with their clubs, and 'set the fountains running claret, and
marched upon Guildhall. And he, mounted on a milk-white charger,
led the attack, and waved usionto conquer or to die. We carried the
place in a day and a night, and drove the aldermen out by the postern
gate and set their traitor heads upon Temple Bar. And then we
crowned him Lord Mayorvand set him on the pinnacle of the ancient
chariot, and drew him through the town to Westminster. And there
he did make a humorous speech to the judges who, it seems, had all
been boys together with him, and called him Jack, and then, mounted
on an elephant, he rode back, bowing up Fleet-street, to the Mansion-
house. And then was high wassail, for never were the hospitable
doors of the Mansion-house shut from that moment forth, and right
merry jests cracked by bold Bohemian lips around the festive board
went round, till daylight brought pompous footmen with his lordship's
wig and gown. And then were the Courts of Justice pleasant places,-
for merry were the words from the judgment seat, and many a
prisoner had to be smacked on his back by the usher. to stop hisa
hilarious choking. But, oh, they were rare merry times, my dear
children, and though it may not seem right nowadays for a Lord
Mayor to take her Majesty's judges to Cremorne for their annual
beanfeast, yet in that year it was thought but a trifle. And it all
wound up with a dinner to the Press and the Drama, at which the
Lord Mayor sang songs of his own. composition, while the ladies.
present danced the hornpipe-after a dessert. And this was all. in the-
year before Mr. Barnum became President of the United States..
Not at All.
A GENTLEMAN who recently went down on a "private inquiry"
mission to the country was rather rudely received, and being.ridden,
on,.a rail' and. tarred and feathered was subsequently-left, in. a. dry.
ditch toruminate. "Fortunately," says-a.,local paper, "*the, man'sa
injuries were not of a serious character'" And yetthey could, hardly,,
have been comic-to him!
The Reductio ad. Absurdum.
SPEAKING of the temper cent. reduction, of railway servants' wages.
in' America, a contemporary says that "over a hundred thousand
persons are affected by thismeasure," Affected to-tears, naturally.


[JULY 25, 1877.

j Lp~ I-i-

Time: three weeks after marriage.
Loving Wife :-"THosE AccouNTs OF THE WAR, LOVE, ABE so UtTRUST-
L. WP. (tenderly) :-" OR As A HUSBAND DOEs HIS WIFE, DRAB."

"i DEa me," remarked the doctor of the establishment when called
in to look at an old pauper who had persisted in dying to spite the
parochial officials. "Dear me I reduced to a perfect skilly-tone."
"Hunger may be the sharpest sauce, but too much to eat makes
some people saucy." Thus the overseer.
"They fulfil the Scripture here, only a bit more so," says Tom
Idle. "You ask 'em for bread and they gives yer a bushel of stones."
Lurcher thinks, "What a fine instrument to break up granite a
relieving officer's heart would be "
Charity begins at home; and our own widder-woman thinks they
let very little of it come out of "the House."

THE standard for German infantry has been fixed at something less
than 5ft. 2in. according to our measurement. Smith says he always
knew the Prussians were a doosid low lot, and this proves it. We
think that the German regiments made of full-sized soldiers will have
to be called by another name now, as that of infantry so well fits the
small files.

I scoOR the doubts and cares that hurt
The world and all its mockeries,
My only care is now to squirt
The ferns among my rookeries.
In early youth and later life
I've seen an up and seen a down,
And now I have a loving wife
To help me peg verbena down.
Of joys that come to womankind
The loom of fate doth weave her few,
Bat here are summer joys entwined
And bound with golden feverfew.
I've learnt the lessons one and all
With which the world its sermon stocks,
Now, heedless of a rise or fall,
I've Brompton and I've German stocks.
In peace and quiet pass our days,
With nought to vex our craniums,
Our middle beds are all ablaze
With red and white geraniums.
And like a boy I laugh when she
In Varden hat and Varden hose
Comes slyly up the lawn at me
To squirt me with the garden hose.
Let him who'd have the peace he needs
Give all his worldly mumming up,
Then dig a garden, plant the seeds,
And watch the product coming up.

A Reform in Hospitalities.
A KNOW-ALL paper states that the dinner to General
Grant at the Reform Club cost each guest 3 17s. 6d.,
which may be considered too high a figure." We should
think so. It was bad enough once at a great City dinner
when the waiters wouldn't bring anything till they
were bribed, but to think of the Reform Club itself
charging its guests so much a head for dinner! We
presume members of the Club, who were supposed to be
the hosts, by this means got off scot-free.

THE TRaU HOUSE or CogancT'oN. The Work-

Curious State.
IT has been all but officially announced that H. Chaplin, Esq. (we
haven't the courage to call him Mr.), M.P., is to be raised to the
peerage. It would have been better to say that the peerage is to
be elevated to the level of H. Chaplin, Esq., who hasn't even yet
discovered how it was "old Gladstone" didn't sit still and allow him-
self to be bearded when the attack was made by one so magnificently
his superior. H. Chaplin, Efq., will find the seats in the Upper
House somewhat softer than below, and so he may not suffer quite
so much should he at anytime be sat on up there. But what a strange
thing it is that people who are really clever and good, who serve their
country and richly deserve reward, should so rarely receive their due,
while for simply getting himself born rich another is in the fullness of
time appointed "a pillar of the State."

AFTER a fourteen days' cruise the Channel Squadron arrived at
Cork." This result was of course not arrived at until the officers had
repeatedly passed the bottle.

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Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phaenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Doetors' ommons, and Published (foG the Proprietor) at 158, Mleet-street, E.O.-London, July 25, 187I .

AUG. 1, 1877.] F U N 45

NECESSITY, with harsh decree,
Has made a City clerk of me;
Oh cruel fate!
To reach my office daily I
An early train must travel by,-
It leaves at eight.
All day I sit with pendant head.
And write in ledgers ruled in red,
And add them up.
I often grumble when I think
How full of black and scarlet ink
Fate fills my cup.
And then I envy idle folk
Whose necks are free from labour's yoke,
Who've nought to do
The whole year long but dine and dance,
Dress, drive, and dream, and sometimes glance
The papers through.
But when the heats of summer wane,
And I've a fortnight by the main
Or in the fields,
I feel at once the pleasure keen
Which sudden change of air and scene
The toiler yields.
The Dead Sea fruit is his who strays
Along life's fiat and idle ways,
From dawn to dark;
But once a year two joyous weeks
Can compensate for fortune's freaks
The City clerk.

"M e Washy Washy."
NEWSPAPERS contain accounts of a race between a
mail train and a homing pigeon, in which the former,
only too evidently handicapped to carry weight, was
badly beaten. It is singular that all the reports we
have so far read omit the essential particular that to give
the bird a still better chance, the message it carried
was carefully and completely written in pigeon-English.
It was also wrapped in a Weekly Dispatch, which, as
every one knows, is given to "rapidly rising."

AUTUMNAL LuAvEs.-Families' for the seaside.

Mike (who has been officiating in the absence of the gardener) :-" SHURE

THEY say that when the First Lord is a little better and the naval
engagements begin, he will call himself War Dunt, because it sounds
more bellicose.
They say that a Scotland Yard is three legs, not three feet.
They say that the new sporting paper will be very useful to curl
some gentlemen's hair.
They say that Mr. Pigott will do his duty and take the price in
whatever Stationery Department of life the Lord Beaconsfield may
please to place him.
They say that at an evening party Lord Salisbury pretended to
have a cold in his head in order to say that the Russians were playing
Widdin game.

Billing and Cooing.
THE Metropolitan Board of Works intends to apply to Parliament
for power to prohibit bill-posters from pursuing their trade in the
public streets. Onr own William Sticker says he can't stand his
living being taken away like this, and if he can't put his bills anywhere
else he'll paste 'em on the Metropolitan Board itself. We advised him
to keep his threats to himself, i.e., to hoard them in his own boso.a ;
but up to the time of going to press the poor man sticks to his word
and refuses to be pastified.

An Art Discovery.
BROWN read somewhere the other day that "the Society at once
voted a monument." Said our incorrigible, "It's to be hoped the new
process will be more satisfactory than that which has made London
sacred to the genus Guy-the one, you know, who was not the Earl of
SIMPLY DIsoGAcErUL.-Advertising Sullivan's Sweethearte.,

"THE Hospital Sunday Fund now amounts to nearly 27,000."
The old and somewhat illused proverb, the better the day the better
the deed," has at last asserted itself for good and not for evil. We
trust those who thought they could find for themselves a short cut to
glory by opposing this movement, and only succeeded in arranging
a Hospital Satireday, will now take a permanent back seat and be

Lords and Commons.
MRs. JONEs says she doesn't see why there should be such a row
about the Commons Preservation," as they seem quite able to take
care of theirselves. What she thinks will be most wanted is Pre-
servation for the Lords, if they don't look out, and shortly.

A Block Piece.
IT is stated that a timber merchant in a large way of business is to
contest Grimsby in the Conservative interest. Should he succeed and
get into the House he is likely to find there is more wood in the
world than even a timber merchant is usually acquainted with.

A Novel Notion.
THE Khedive has discovered a wonderfully new way of spoiling
the Egyptians." He has offered to send twenty thousand of them to
fight under Turkish direction- and to be much damaged by Russian
guns. _______

The Love that Lived.
THE Dunmow flitch has been awarded to Mr. and Mrs. Jas. Barrack.
As these worthy people have been married twenty-eight years, it may
be truly said that they have saved their bacon !




TAwarY (a stony-hearted sceptic, a hard, cynical man of the world,
without an atom of humanity).
Oh. pooh! You're a dreamer-a prey to delusion!
Permit me to tell you there isn't the least
Iota of fact, or the slightest infusion
Of truth in these thrilling reports from the East.
So far from atrocities being committed,
There never was any Bulgarian race ;
And as for Bulgaria, people half-witted
Alone would believe that there is such a place!
Then as for the stories you've tortured and twisted
Concerning the Turks and their gloating in gore-
There aren't any Turks, sir-they never nxsted ;
Besides, they're as moral as angels-that's more. (Sneers.)
WHTrGEY. Get out of my sight, you upholder of ravage!
Your heartless behaviour I truly deplore;
Be off! I can never permit such a savage
On any pretence to re-enter my door!
TAWREY, with a final stony-hearted expression of contempt, goes home to
strangle his infant in cold blood, and out of his wife's ears for the mere
fun of the thing.)
WRYGGEY (to MaS. WHYGGBE). My dear, if Tawrey calls again-
(That criminal at large!)-
I beg you'll tell Matilda Jane
To give the man in charge.
A villain, ma'am, in ev'ry part,
A block of ice without a heart!
Our gentle girls would feel a chill
On habaing hands with such;
Our very baby, little Bill,
Would shudder at his touch !
Why, when he's grasped this hand of mine
I'm forced to take a glass of wine !
I suffer unaffected pain
At one who early leaned
To everything that's most humane
Becoming such a fiend-
A perfect homicide-a brute;
But there It's Toryism's fruit!

[AUG. 1, 1877

IME : A few months ago.
The Liberal papers are
reporting Turkish atro-
cities, and the Conserva-
tive papers are sneering
at them. WERYGGBY (a
reader of the Liberal
_papers) and TAWBEY (a
reader of the Conserva-
tive ones) dieovered in
WaHOOBY (a tender-
hearted zealous humani-
tarian, all "feelings").
/ Tawrey, my sensitive
bosom is splitting,
My eye, I assure you,
incessantly swims
As it reads of the deeds
that the Turks are
Impaling, and burn-
ing, and lopping off
Why, I gravely assure
you, each night I
And see a Bulgarian
gory and stark;
And the whole of my system's so dreadfully shaken
I'm frightened to sit in a room in the dark!
I, Whyggey, who formerly cared not a button
For spectral illusion, now frequently see
A Bulgarian corse on my shoulder of mutton-
The head of it bobbing about in my tea!
My eye, if you look at it, starts from its socket
With horror- ineffable sorrow-dismay-
Oh! here are some mangled remains in my pocket !
There are! I'm convinced of it! Take 'em away!

Oh, bosh! I scornfully pooh-pooh
These wild reports, which may enlist
The sympathies belonging to
The sickly sentimentalist.
These babes to which you now refer
Were never torn-it never could,
I tell you, possibly occur-
And if it did, it s done 'em good!
Young babes are things I like to tear,
I love to hear them screech and groan;
I have a little time to spare-
I'll go and massacre my own! (

Bxit to do so.)

TAWREY (shocked). Oh, heartless wretch, receive my ban!
Oh, murderer of infants-go!
A demon in the form of man-
But Liberals are ever so!
(Then the scene somehow changes and discovers both WHYGGEY and
TAWREY contentedly administering pap to their respective youngests.
Perhaps their new.'paptrs haven't arrived that morning !)


(The few months pass away and the present time arrives. In the meanwhile
affairs have reversed themselves ; the Conservative papers have begun to
report Bussian atrocities and the Liberal papers ta sneer at them. TAWR1Y
(a reader of the Conservative papers) and WHiGGEY (a reader of the
Liberal ones) again discovered.)
TAWR Y (a tender-hearted, zealous humanitarian, all "feelings," with
much agitation).
Oh, Whyggey dear, you well may say
I look unnaturally grave,
I've just been reading of the way
Those wicked Muscovites behave !
And you will shudder too, my friend,
As I retail the fearful plan
By which these Russian fiends intend
To extirpate the Mussulman.
Dread visions haunt me day and night,
And dog and chase me in and out,
Begot of simple sheer affright
At all these things I've read about.
I dream of babes of tender years
Torn writhing, shrieking, part from part-
My heart it positively sears!
(I'm very soft about the heart.)
WHYGGEY (a heartless demon, impervious to the softening influences of

AU 1, 1877.] FU N 47

THE kindand intelligent reader who does not want to dye his hair,
furnish his back kitchen on the hire system, take pills or a public-
house, or havelhimself put earth to earth, may probably have devoted
an occasionaliglance to that small and unimportant corner of the daily
press whichcontains the news of the day done down in the compressed
vegetable.extract-of-meat-paradise-lost-on-a-fourpenny-bit style, and
if then he was not too wildly absorbed in the letters to the editor on
Blues, Beetles, Bulgarians, or Baldachin bobberies, he may have
observed that about once a week a beautiful letter in the essay style is
lef t on the banks of a canal or river announcing that the writer has
drowned him or herself, and that it was drink that did it. And the
above-named intelligence, if the jolting of the train or omnibus in
which he sits has not run the money market and police news into his
paragraph before he gets to the end of it, will notice that in nineteen
cases out of nineteen and a half the beautiful essay on intemperance
is found.and the victim's body isn't. Thereby hangs this tale.
Spong was one of those gentle humanitarians who are perpetually
weeping over the vices of other people, who take St. James's Hall to:
call their fellow creatures rude names, and consider unblushing men-
dacity in figures and facts to be a powerful impetus to national
morality. Spong considered that if a man was a teetotaller that was
all a man needed to be, and with this idea indelibly imprinted on his
mind he laboured to teetotalise the community. Spong being of an
inventive turn wrote short stories for publication in which small
glasses of claret brought men to the gallows, and brandy sauce with
plum pudding caused the overthrow of dynasties and the downfall of
kingdoms. He would chalk very awful words of warning on beer-
shop doors, and distribute tracts with pictures of a nature to choke the
new-born babe off its dill-water. But the chief feat of the enthu-
siastic Spong was the voice from the grave dodge." Spong would
write a letter containing the supposed writer's awful career and ter-
rible misfortunes. The writer would have committed every known
crime and misdemeanor, and have suffered every known misery, and
all through this accursed drink. And then the writer would avow he
could bear it no longer, but had sought refuge in the canal or river,
as the case might be. These Spong would distribute on the banks of
rivers, and somebody would.flnd them. The newspapers would pub-
lish Another Suicide through Drink," and the publications of the
Alliance would add another waxwork to their chamber of horrors.
Now it happened one night that Spong had had an extra dash of
green in his tea, and was extra morbidly inclined. He sat down and
wrote a suicide's confession which even chilled his own blood as he
wrote. No greater villain ever lived. Spong lumped on the crimes
till the two sides were a concentrated Newgate Calendar of the entire
universe. And then, of course, came in that the cause of all was drink,
and the result a suicide's grave. When Spong had finished he walked
off briskly to the nearest river and selected a spot where it would be
sure to be found in the morning. Ah," he said, as he laid it lovingly
down, won't all the newspapers hold this cove up as an example !
Why, it's enough to make the newspaper men turn 'totallers them-
selves." And just at that moment his foot slipped and headlong into
the river he fell and was drowned-

Drowned, at least, so nearly that when he was pulled out he was insen-
sible for twelve hours, and during that time his confessions had been
found. He was taken before the magistrate and convicted of attempt-
ing to commit suicide. His crimes and wickednesses were read in
court and published right and left, and when he was liberated he had
the pleasure of reading a little book called "The Career of a Drunkard,"
in which he found his name freely handled by the fraternity. But no
more "voices from the grave" have pleaded the cause of temperance
lately, and Spong, disgusted, has acquired a strong affection for some-
thing stronger than tea.

LIBBnAL QUERY. Why have the troops been ordered to the neigh-

0 EXCELLENr Editor-calm and serene-of course, as an editor you
Are accustomed with clear and unprejudiced eyes to read all the news-
papers through;
Will you give me the benefit, sir, if you please, of your balanced and
logical mind,
And explain to your madman a march of events which is leaving him
lagging behind P
Is it possible, sir, that the newspapers err when they state that Lord
Beaconsfield said
That;the Vicar of Hughenden wasn't his friend, but voted against him
instead ?
For the book of the poll proves the statement was false, since the vicar
ne'er voted at all;
In the face of the fact, was it worthy the House its expression of
blame to recall?
And further I beg of you,-air, to explain to an intellect clouded and
Why his lordship, who'd Northcote all day at his heels, kept the
history hidden from him ?
It is funny Sir Stafford, who knew that he'd have the Prime Minister's
course to defend,
Was never permitted to master the facts by his "very illustrious
There are questions, of course, which my lunatic hand is expressly
forbidden to touch,
But a delicate subject is daily discussed which is vexing your lunatic
If I had but a beautiful brain like your own I might probably see in
Why of loud-smelling scandals that poison the Church our Bishops
ne'er scented a whiff.
It is strange, since in dealing with clerical things all their days are
supposed to be past,
That the prelates to know what the clergy are at should always be
absolute last;
But of course if I hinted their blindness was sham, and declared that
they knew all along,
You would hold that the charge from a noodle like me was exceedingly
wicked and wrong.
So I say that the Bishops are doing their best to caustic the wounds
of the Uhurch,
And to punish the hypocrite parsons who seek all her raiment of white
to besmirch;
And I'm sorry my cloudy conception of things, which is lunacy's
terrible curse,
Compels me to picture these clerical lords as intent upon just the

Patrician Brilliance.
"BEEN told by sporting f'ler-aw-he's going to stand Whitebait-
aw-at Goodwood," said Lord Tom Noddy the other day when he met
us on the sweet shady side of Pall Mall. "You're comic f'ler-aw-
so '11 tell you good joke I made-aw. Said-aw-' Old f'ler-aw-
rather you did 't at Gwinnidge I '-aw. Do for Fun-aw ?" Taken
unawares, we unhappily said yes, and must keep our word or die.
Explanations will, if necessary, be forwarded on receipt of stamped
addressed envelope.

Somewhat Reflective.
Mns. JWGGINs, whose little boy Blue (at home from school on a
permanent holiday) has been reading the war-news to her, thinks that
there Nick o' Poll must be a hardened hussy. But where are the Nick
o' Police, that's what she wants to know?

bourhood of the war
MINISTERIAL ANSWER. Because it's a jar. (Conservative cheers.)
LIBERAL QUERY. Is is true that the English Ambassador at the Light and 'eat.
Porte is promising Turkey British support ? SEVERAL gentlemen persist in writing to the papers that there are
MINISTERIAL ANSWER. Gone away, and left no address. (Con- not enough lights on the Underground. Our cat, who was lost in a
servative cheers.) tunnel for a fortnight, brought back the same impression.
LIBERAL QUERY. Is this country called England ?
MINISTERIAL ANSWER. No, sir, it is not. (Loud Conservative A Thought in Passing.
cheers.) How these Christians love one another !" Especially in Christ's
EXTRACT FROM Daily Dustcart. Hospital.
"The straightforward and conclusive answers of the Government
to the alarmist questions of the Opposition will entirely allay the un. THE TRUE CErAMPION TAP.-(Captain) Barclay and (William)
easy feeling of the country and gratify its patriotism." Perkins. (Entire-ly so.-ED )


[AUG. 1, 1877.


"I want you to make me a tall, black, narrow-brimmed chimney-pot hat,
precisely like this one I have on."


" Made it, have you! Well-a-but-that's not exactly like mine; that's a
short, white, broad-brimmed countryman's hat I"

" Tried again, eh Well, but-look here; you can see the difference with the naked eye I This is a short, grey billycock !"

"'Can't make it any nearer than this?' Why! Conf- Ob, there-this'lldo!!!l"


, "Hangit! This is further off still-its a cork helmet!"

1FUN.-AUGUST 1, 1877.


AUG. 1, 1877.] FUN 51

THE sun is-shining high
And bright within the sky,
But if to walk I start
He quickly will depart,
Behind a cloud he'll pop,
And rain begin to drop.
'Tis this unruly game
Prevents my getting fame.
For if I had a chance
I'd make O'Leary dance,
Leave Weston in a way
He never could essay.
But how can I,- I ask,-
Prepare for such a task,
If when I start to train
It's sure to come on rain ?
Maybe there are some brutes,
With thick and heavy boots,
Who'd muddle through the mire
Which makes me half expire.
Give me a road that's clear,
No stone or puddle near;
Let me get well in front,
And no one's in the hunt."

Bold Advertisement.
Ms. Rays, an Aberdare magistrate, fined himself five
shillings the other day for allowing his dog to be at
large. His conscience, he said, would not allow him to
fine others while he himself' was guilty. "How
generous! "How just! exclaim his friends. "How
eccentric !" "How honourable!" cry those who knew
him not, but are always ready to admire the motive of
a magnate. How artful !" says Mr. Fun, who thinks
Mr. Rhys has received far more immortality than ought
fairly to be bought for five shillings. It's injuring trade.

Dangerous Rivalry.
ONE of the visitors to the Westminster Aquarium
went in to see Mr. Pongo, the newly-arrived gorilla,
and his disappointment was so evident that one of the
staff" asked him what was the matter. "Well," said
the stranger, "if you can afford to make a show of this
here cuss, what a fortune might be got out of one or
two of his promoters !"

Stout Bumptious Party :-" HERE, YOU SIR, GOT A 'ORS THAT 'LL SUIT
SJobmister (quietly) :-" WELL, SIR, WE'VE NOTHING IN AT PRESENT, BUT

Wine and Water.
MEssBs. LAVERY gave a dijeuner the other day to a select party at
one of their branch establishments in Brighton. With youth at the
helm and pleasure at the prow, the Mayor in the chair, and no stint of
anything, one would have thought wit as well as wine would have
flowed freely. And yet the only thing that has come to hand is this.
One of the speakers said up to the present he had never been
able to say Bo! to a goose with any degree of complacency. In
future, however, he should never meet any of his companions of that
day without going still further and murmuring Bodega! (Which
really is Spanish, we believe, for May we ne'er want a friend nor a
bottle to give him! ") N.B.-This is a joke which can only be seen
through a powerful glass-one with something still stronger inside it.

Bay y'r Leaf!
A SOUTH-COAST paper makes mention of "a wild Bore at large,"
somewhere near Herne Bay. Several others seem to have compro-
mised the matter, and, joining the essentials, have been Bores at Bay
without, we regret to say, taking the trouble to leave the vicinity of
Their Own Choice.
BEFORE London Bridge can be properly widened, says a great
engineering authority, it will be necessary to sink permanently a
dense heavy body." That's easy enough. There's the Common
Council ready to hand-and they will have it done.

Tout Autre Shoes.
A FRENca sportsman says that since the great walking match at
Lillie Bridge, "Comment se va-t-il?" is best translated, "Howes
goes it !" This is free; we trust our readers will find it easy.

Bumble dee.
ME. MUDDLE, connected with the parochial mismanagement of
Eastern London, can't understand why there's all this here bother
about the Colorado Beadle. Hif 'e's reely hoficial, wy not pass 'im
hon to 'is hown parish an' 'a done with it ?" That's what Mr.
Muddle calls putting his foot down on the question- and so it is.

"Mind the Grease I"
THE reported death of a popular artist well known on third paper
turns out to be happily unfounded. It was, as the saying is, a slip
of the pen." And not so wonderful a slip either seeing that the
subject was Griset.

Weel Done, Cutty- "
IT is stated that most ladies at the Orleans Club on Sundays
smoke, and some of them seem to find it dry work." Evidently some-
one connected with the new private inquiry papers has been following
these ladies, and piping them off."

Public or Private.
ONE or two newspapers have collected what they please to call
evidence of "public feeling on the war." The only public feeling we
have been able to discover is what in less public matters is known
as private feeling-most personal, mean, and selfish.

Another Good Man Gone Wrong I "
WHAT metropolitan monument ought to be considered most likely to
answer P-One in Kensington-gardens; because it's Speke's.
OLD song to be sung to a new tune in art circles by Mr. Ruskin: -
" Oh, Whistle and I'll come to you, my lad."

52 FUN.


I DARESAY it served old Kafoozleum quite right, and he ought to
have been ashamed of himself throughout. But as I happen to be
something of an old Kafoozleum myself, my sympathies turn in his
direction. This may be mean; it is none the less natural on that
account. Ask yourself, most truly unselfish reader, what is the fount-
spring of your sympathies, and I don't think you will find yourself so
extremely different from me, except that I don't mind admitting I am
mean, and you, when you side with what suits you and your inclina-
tions best, believe yourself to be the very soul of honour.
Well, all I know is, the balance of opinion was decidedly against
Kafoozleum, because all agreed he had committed a most foolish act.
What right had an old doddering idiot like him to go marrying a cherry-
cheeked lass who was sure to make a fool of him ? There, I have all
at once let you into the enormity of K.'s offence, and of course you will
admit that as usual everyone was correct. What right had he to do
this? asked the elderly maiden ladies who had so long booked
Kafoozleum for one of themselves. What right had he to do this ?
repeated the young men, mostly policemen and bakers, who had been
in the habit of casting sheep's.eyes at the pretty girl who was now
Mrs. Kafoozleum.
The atrocity of the affair mainly consisted, so far as I could discover,
in old K. marrying his housekeeper, or cook, or general servant, or
whatever she may have been in his small establishment. The criticisms
which were passed on this event were various, but they all agreed in
the one particular that it was very wrong for so old and ugly a man to
marry so young and pretty a woman. For so learned and clever a
man to marry so ignorant and uncultivated a woman, said some. For
so jolly a girl to marry so mean an old hunks, said others. And so it
ran on, no one was satisfied, and everyone prophesied the union would
prove disastrous in the end. And so it did.
For all that was said about him I never could discover anything
either very old or very ugly about Kafoozleum. But then, you know,
I admit to having my sympathies in the matter. Say he was forty or

so, and she five-and-twenty-dear me, lots of people make matches like
that every day, and no one complains. He was what is called at the
bar a rising young man at the time, and as lawyers go is not even old
now. Yet somehow all joined in calling him old and foolish over
this particular step in life. And it is to prove that all were right that
this is written. I have no doubt some clever people thought I was
going to turn round suddenly and show that everyone was wrong and
that Kafoozleum and his wife lived happy ever afterwards; but I'm
not-so there! Yah!
This is not a story-as the term is generally understood-so I shall
ramble on as I think best. It is an attempt to warn others by means
of a fearful example, and to show that for once the world has been
right in its cold and selfish surmises, and not wrong as it seems to be
the duty of all story tellers nowadays to show. There is such a plea-
sure to me in being able to prove somebody else wrong as well as
Kafoozleum that I am almost rejoiced in the midst of all my sorrows.
Almost, but alas not quite, for if the others had been wrong I should
have been right and not writing as now. Ha! ha! ho! ho! I A joke, as
I live. Hurrah!
Well, to dissemble, Kafoozleum married his servant, and for a time
all went well. He didn't feel so very old, and spurred by the fact that
he had now someone dependent on him, he pegged away at his profes-
sion harder than ever, and commenced to make rapid strides towards
success. He began to be looked on by old stagers at the bar as still
more rising, and some of his contributions to legal literature began to
be talked about. One actually got to be mentioned openly in Court as
authoritative quite unexpectedly by a great judge, and people said old
Kafoozleum had done it at last. Fellows crowded round him and
shook him by the hands, saying, "Bless you, dear old boy, I always
said you would!" and then went away to wonder how anyone couid
see anything in the work of such a dee'd old pump. But what they
really thought didn't matter to Kafoozleum; he'd made his sucomss, and
away he went home at once to communicate it to his wife. A9 a true
and loving husband always does-as, of course, he always should do.
She listened quietly enough, and then said, And I've news for you
-there's a fresh policeman on our beat, such a nice young fellow."

[AUG. 1, 1877.

Ave. 1, 1877.]


Kafoozleum went on and tried to explain what might come of his
new prospects. He spoke of the fact that a solicitor-general is always
knighted and his wife called my lady; how a judge is one of the chief
dignitaries of the State, and his "lady is proportionately great. And
then she said, Beef's gone up a ha'peny a pound again, dear; but oh,
there's sich a nice new young man at the butcher's!"
Next day when Kafoozleum got to his chambers he found a free fight
going on between no end of reputable solicitors and an equal number
of editors of high-class serials, each of whom wanted to have first call
on his services. After some trouble he succeeded in pacifying them,
and having made such terms as had never before entered into his
imagination, he returned home, burning to tell his wife all about it.
As-(I have said this before, but it will bear repeating)-as a true and
loving husband always does-as, of course, he always should do.
She looked up from the columns of the Ra'peny Rorful, and this
much I will say: she did not interrupt him in one word of his story.
But when he said, We shall be no small potatoes now, my love," she
seemed to awake as from a dream, and replied, Taturs ain't very good
this year-an' flukes seems to have gone quite out of fashion." If I
were to say Kafoozleum didn't feel hurt I should be unworthy of belief.
He did, for he was extremely fond of his wife, and quite hungered for
the interest and belief confided in other husbands by other wives; but
he bottled up his wrath and went on. She relapsed into a languid
state until he told her he might yet be Master of the Rolls, when she
at once became brisk and said, Our baker's growing quite a mous-
tache, dear; I've watched it for this three weeks." I grieve to admit
it, but at this Kafoozleum gave way to temper and possibly said a word
or two unfit for publication here. His wife called him a brute and
threatened to throw something at his head; and they were not recon-
ciled up to the time when he went off to the Temple. His pleasure, it
will be readily understood, was considerably dashed, and he was by no
means in such high spirits when he reached his staircase as might have
been anticipated.
But here a fresh surprise awaited him. The news of his being men-
tioned in Court had caused still others to look to his work, and the
Lord Chief Justice of England and Lord Chancellor had both been
struck with the same idea-had both, unknown to each other, set out
that morning with the intention of securing Kafoozleum's services.
There in his room sat the two great dignitaries, each inwardly fuming
and pretending he did not recognize the other or his business; but they
forgot this reticence when K. entered, and there was-a desperate strug-
gle between them for possession of his body. At last the matter was
compromised by, for the first time in English history, the junction of
the duties of Deputy Woolsack and Junior LordCOhief Justice. These
were now incorporated in the person of Kafoozleum, who, as a law
paper said, was yet an extremely young man in his profession, bnt who
had shown an amount of legal perspicacity far beyond his years.
When all had been arranged, Lord Kafoozleum (he was, of course,
to have a peerage) dismissed his visitors, and naturally forgetful of the
little tiff with his dear wife, rushed off home to tell her the joyful news.
I have already said that he loved his wife intensely, otherwise he might
not have stultified himself by marrying her; and doubtless lots:'of
people will think this folly was rendered more foolish still by his being'
of a temperament which made him anxious to share his joys with any-
one he cared for very much. His sorrows he could' cheeirfilly keep to
himself, but joy he ever shared. I think he couldn't have been a-vey
bad fellow-but then, you know, Tm prejudiced. Well,i away'he
rushed home, and found his wife had gone out, and by-and-by, as she
didn't return and he was anxious, he looked about and found this
Ser," it ran, i think as how wee had better part. Yew yewsed
languidge beastly to me, hand as the young man hat the baker's
his still has fond of me as hever hand a grate deel better man than yew
wee bar going to Ameriker too gather wear i can get a divorce he
There was some more in the same strain, but it faded from
poor K.'s eyes, and he had a fit, and when he came to all his cleverness
was gone and he was in an asylum, where he is now, a drivelling idiot.
How do I know?
H'm; well, I'm Kafoczleum.

JACK. I say, Bill, Visitors are admitted- on the payment of a
nominal fee." What is a-nominal fee ?
BILL. Something so feenominal that it's very rarely seen.

The Crab-like Action.
No one yet seems to have noticed that the Premier chose a proper
situation for his most recent little game. A true Conservative job is
never so well done as in a Stationary Department. "And Progress
shriet'ed when Beaconsfield explained."
WHY is next spring like the downfall of Temple Bar ?-Because it's-
a blooming-.time coming.

-AA 'jNl.i ,ifk', lilli //( (d((I(Iil Ui-. 'N4WhiiIi)'illl kAWi W1t li.lt
Oun idiotic illustrator read somewhere the other day that the
king was quite CARRIeD AWAY BY HIS SUBJECT." And this is his
notion of the occurrence.


I'm a well-to-do professional; Ive gained a notoriety
For singing lays on topical affairs;
I'm petted up where'ere'er I go, in music-hall society,
My rhymes are wed to very taking airs.
My agent said, "I'll cram you down the British public's throat, my lad,
Ere long shall all your ditties be renowned;
So don your evening-dress, and stick a flower in your coat, mily lad,
You'll quicidy make some pieces,' I'll be bound."
My career has consequently been a most successful one,
,And, if you'll attend, I'll show you all the way in which it's done'.
I've four or five engagements, and I earn a lot of pelf, I do,
And travel in a brougham, which I hire ;
I'm sure my songs are good, because I writethem all myself; I d6;
I know the kind of thing the gods" rkqiire.
I make believe I dote upon the Claimant; an& the rest of it;
And carol of the doings of the day;
I note each little scandal, and proceed tb ,mek a jest of it,
And treat it in a catchy sort of way'.
And I warble my effusions with a very Kafty run,-
And that's another picture of the way in' whichh it s done!
:Whene'er I go to benefits I always sing'a bit or two
Extempore they call it, do they, not?
And lo, on these occasions I contriveto make a hit or two,
They fancy I compose them on ti'e spot!
You should hear my last effusion, it enthralled both pit and gallery,
'Tis all about the fighting in the East;
It's really such a favourite they've hi 'tb ri.idi my salary,
And my number of engagements has increased.
By ditties such as this my popularity's beez won,
And that's another wrinkle of the way in' which it's dbne I
I feel convinced I've talents, and I'm proud that I'm possessed of them,
Because I take my audience by storm;
I fancy you'll admit that I'm a cut above the rest of them,
My songs are more respectable in form.
I often challenge rival "artistes" (fools, there's not a doubt of it!)
To have a contest- fifty pounds a side;
But lor, if they attempted, they would pretty soon be out of it;
By jingo, they'd be sorrythat they tried.
These challenges have made me seem a biggish sort of gun.
You may take your affidavit that's the style in which it's done !

AN order has gone forth allowing all' French soldiers who require
them to wear spectacles. It is supposed that much mischief was
caused during the last war through short-sighted Frenchmen being
perfectly unable to see some of the small Germans"' that swarmed
around them. We are obliged to put on rose-coloured glasses when
some of the same gentry are to be viewed in this country with any
degree of pleasure.
THE ORDnR or ITHS'BxTH.-Soap, water, towels, cleanliness, comfort.

54 F U N [AG. 1, 1877.

I HAVE a joke-a splendid joke-
At present in my head,
I dreamt it, and at once awoke
And sat upright in bed.
I took a paper, pen, and ink,
As Campbell used to do
When in the night he chanced to think
Of something that was new.
I took this pen and wrote it down,
And finding it sublime,
SI felt that it would take the town
1 If nicely put in rhyme;
But then it looked so very good
V,.., When in the morn I rose,
I made my mind up that I would
~//~,{',1./ ',.."" ,
al/ r Arrange the thing in prose.
And later in the day I thought
'Twere better done in verse,
And later still I felt I ought
So fine a joke to nurse,
And spin it out to quite a tale
In just a bit of each.
With suchnob a joke I could not fail
The height of fame to reach.
And still I find it very hard
On either to decide,
And as a conscientious hard
I cannot "let it slide."
My joke is good, however done,
With laughter 'twill be read,
But just at present, Mr. Fun,
It's only in my head.
HEAR the Globe on the reports of Russian
atrocities : This intelligence will soon do
its work among English waverers, and
every fresh murder of women and children
will rob the front Opposition Bench of
4 -one or more of its following." Before
the revolting inhumanity of the idea
which fathers this sentence, Mr. Fun
removes his cap and bells that his shudder
may not make them jangle out of tune.
Fancy a partisan press that sees in every
murder or rumour of murder a party gain,
and, having done that, fancy who will
Z believe in the Russian atrocities manufac-
tured on the premises by the Conservative
press in order to "rob the front Opposition
Bench of one or more of its following."
This is the key of those gory Tory locks
which are shaken at us.
So Awfully Clever I
THE Conservative papers contradict with
some eagerness the rumours of Lord Bea-
consfield's retirement. One journal can't
/ understand how the reports could have got
about. For once we can agree with our
contemporary, and wonder too; for it is
A SET DOWN." not as if the great Hughenden lover of
justice, and leader of the Tory party, had
Cabby (on receiving his proper fare, one shilling) :-" Hi! Miss! HER I WHAT DO YOU ever once shown himself of a retiring dis-
CALL this Young Lady :-"I CoALL IT A VERY DIRTY HAND." [Collapse of Cabby. position. Besides, it is necessary his lord-
ship should wait until he can offer the
His OpiNox.-An American paper says of an actor: Mr. Charles Thorne denies that he has appointment to that marvel of intrinsic
recently exhibited signs of insanity." It is all very well for Mr. Thorne to contradict it, but ability, the present Controller of the
there's no doubt he is mad-with rage. Stationery Department.

Extra Strog
all Work. flBfl 0
Pi~ Sold in ida orIGrossBoxes.
Iby all Stationers. A Ieeted
Ie Bo x. b m y n os t.
No.a. 59 F-. a zz a~ r, stamps. Orderofyourgtationer CES E C
I Ox OXx r0 o 1wxlt3.. WILL. as e any t it .
L-S, JONIrmngIm
Cole Wholesale London Agents-N. J.POWELL &Co.,101,WhitechapeIE. C UTION.-If Co.o thickenu i, the csp it pro.e the additie of .taroeh.
Painted by JUDD & CO., Phoniz Worb, St. ndres Hill Detoa' Cemmoon= and PublUha (for the Proietorn) at 158, leet-dsreet, E.O.-London, August 1,1877.

AnU. 8, 1877.]


I -.---

~'z.' ~
-~. ~-. .'


FIRST WALKER. I say, old man, let's go in for walking, it 'ud do us
both good. Weston business, long distance, you know.
SECOND WALKER. I shall be delighted; let's go in for a good
hundred miles spin, eh ?
FIRST WALKER. Good! I've been reading the thing up. We must
go in for one or two little things, and then we shall be all right.
SECOND WALKER. Yes. I've had a special pair of boots made,
cost threA guineas, and I've gone into training and pickled my feet
and soaped my socks.
FIRST WALKER. That's it; and I've bought a stop-watch, one of
Benson's best, so that we can time our miles. We'd better keep account
for the sporting papers, you know.
SECOND WALKER. I shall carry two bits of wood in my hand, like
O'Leary; they're useful.
FIRST WALKER. Where shall we walk ?
SECOND WALKER. From Highgate Archway to Edinburgh,-that's
a fair distance.
FIRST WALKER. All right, let's start now, I'm just in the humour.
SECOND WALKER. Off, then; but, I say, we won't walk more than
eight miles an hour at first.
FIRST WALKER. No, about six to start with is best. Have you set
the watch F
SECOND WALKER. Yes. We're going along well, ain't we F How
strong the wind is in our faces!
FIRST WALKER. It is. Westhall the great walker once had a sail
held in front of him to keep the wind off. It is a good plan, let us
try it.
SECOND WALKER. We are quite a mile from the Archway now. Ah,
there is a boy with a sail. Let us engage him to walk in front of us.
Had we not better stop at a public house and be rubbed down P
FIRST WALKER. Yes; send the boy with the sail on in front to
say we are coming.
SECOND WALKER. I think you had better throw water on the back
of my neck, it is always done by professionals.
FIRST WALKER. We have gone over a mile now. Let us look at the

watch. We have been twenty-five minutes. The watch is out of order
SsCOND WALKER. Where is the milestone P
FIRST WALKER. We must have passed it, it is hidden by the hedge.
SECOND WALKER. Ah, there is the public house. They are waiting
to rub us down.
FIRST WALKER. I can walk no further in these clothes; I shall
change them, and finish the journey in a tight-fitting jersey.
SECOND WALKER. My boots are wrong; they hurt me. I shall wait
here while the boy runs back to Waukenphast's and gets me a new
FIRST WALKER. I am quite done up. I remember I had two
glasses of sherry yesterday. It was wrong. I shall stay here for a
week and get myself fit.
SECOND WALKER. I say, the landlord says this is only three-quarters
of a mile from where we started, and we have been thirty minutes.
FIRST WALKER. We are out of condition. I knew it. I always
walk six miles to the hour. I am quite unfit.
SECOND WALKER. I say, as we're not going any further to-day we
need not be rubbed down. It's a lot of trouble.
FIRST WALKER. Yes, and I will take this bar of soap and pound of
candles out of my boots; they are quite sticky.
SECOND WALKER. Landlord, two bottles of Bass and some long
pipes, and see that we have two beds well aired for to-night.
FIRST WALKER. And have a fly ready to take us baek to the Arch-
way to-morrow morning.

BIGGAB, Parnell, and O'Donnell,
Weak disciples of 0 Connell,-
Parnell, O'Donnell, also Biegar,
You despised by Con. and Whig are.
O'Donnell, Biggar, and Parnell,
All of you may go to-well-
Let us say you all may go
Willingly to Jericho!


56 FU N [AUG. 8, 1877.

SCENE 1: The House of Commons. The CHANCELLOR 01F THE Ex-
and chained them to the leg of the SPEAKER'S chair, rites.
C. or E. Mr. Speaker, sir. In the face of a national disaster and
an approaching enemy, I trust the House will bear with me while I
ask an extraordinary grant of thirty-seven millions. (G'oans from
MR. PETER RiLANDS. Bear, hear," from MAJOR 0 GORMAS.)
Gentlemen, on the lonely shores of the Atlantic there sits at this
moment Colorado Beetle-(Sensation. Sevwrol members are removed
to Hanwell by the SBeOBsAsT-AT-AnMS)-of which I have here a faithful
picture executed by order of the Board of Trade. (The House was here
so overcome that smelling salts were handed roiued bs the WuHIP.)
Gentlemen, an eminent naturalist sent out in an ironclad by the
Government to study the habits of this insect, is of opinion that if
allowed to make the best of his way, this terrible insect will reach our
shores in two years. (8h, iks from below the gangway.) Gentlemen,
do you not think our army and navy should be reinforced to meet this
danger, and do you think that thirty-seven millions is too much to ask
to place the island in a state of defence ? (No no MR. PARNELL
attempts to rise, but is kicked down again by Loan CHAPLIN'. A messenger
is sent to the Treasury for the thirty.seven millions, which, being laid on
the table of the Bouss, is handed to the CHANCPLLOR, who retires to the
tea-room to count. MB. WHALLtY, having thrice attempted to address the
House, is assaulted by the SPEAKER, and the proceedings are adjourned at
a quarter to nine in the morning.)
S onm 2: Of Dover. The Army, one thousand strong, is standing at
easa on Shakespeares Cliff. The Navy is anchored in the Harbour.
The Volunteers are on the Beach, and observatories dot the coast.
THs COMMANDEa-IN-CHOmF. Soldiers, England expects you to do
your duty. The Beetle is hourly expected. Should you fall, the
State will hand your wives and children over to the Charity Organisa-
tion Society, so you need not trouble about them. A glorious future
awaits you if ybu conquer. You will be specially recommended to the
Corpe of Commissionaires. Soldiers, in the hour of battle remember
that the enemy is one and you are a hundred thousand. Let this
inspire you to deeds of courage. I have promised to spend the even-
ing at a boxing competition, so no more now. (Cheertq.)
ADMIRAL OF TH: FLYET. Ironclads and sailors, keep your powder
dry and shiver your maindecks. If the Captain of the- Foretop sees
the Beetle, have guns pointed and rams ready. No ironclad to go full
speed without whistling and being four miles in front of any other
ironclad. If the Beetle should sink an ironclad by swimming violently
against it, the principal officers on board the nearest vessel will be
executed. Remember Nelson and Wapping Old Stairs. (The yards are
manned, and the ADMIRAL returns in a steam launch to the Star and
Garter, lRichmord, where a dinner aWaits him.)
FIRST CeOWD. This is a glorious day for England.
SECOND CROWD. What a great nation! What an army and navy!
What defensive preparations! When is the Beetle expected ?
FIRST CROWD. As the bell of St. Paul's booms across the ocean,
the fires are lit upon the Cheviot Hills, the fog horn of the Nore light-
ship is blowing, the Box-tunnel signal is red-Ha, ha-then the
enemy is in Eight. Oh, supreme moment in the history of a nation-
the Beetle is at hand! (Advance of the Army and Navy. Shrieks of
women and children. The horrors of war commence. Arrival of the
Atrocity reporters. THE FIRsT SHOT IS FIRED.)
SCENE 3. After the Battle. Dover by sunset.
FIRST STRAGGLER. Alas, what a scene! The town is in ruins! I
wonder who was victorious?
SECOND STRAGGLER. A living being! I thought I alone survived.
FIRST STEAOGroU. No, I am fearfully wounded, but I linger still.
Did you see the close of the conflict ?
SECOND STRAGGLER. Yes, the army was so enthusiastic that at the
word "advance" they rushed into the sea, and while the Field Marshal
was fixing his front teeth, so as to say retire," they had got out of
their depth and were drowned.
FibST STRAGGLER. And the navy?
SECOND STR&GGLER. Oh, they ran each other down till only one
was left; that steered wrong, got on some rocks, and blew itself up.
FIBrT STRAGGLER. And the Beetle?
SECOND STRAGGLER. Slipped in between them, and when last I saw
him he was wagging his tail good-humouredly, and taking the shady
side of the London road.
Two STRAGGLERS (ensemble). Alas, we are all that remain of a
noble army and navy In spite of our efforts the foot of the invader
pollutes our soil. Let us fall upon our swords and die, and when we
are found the words Colorado Beetle" will be discovered written
upon our hearts. (They fall upon their swords and die. .Enter NATU-
RALsT from London out of breath.)
NATURALIST. Here, I say, it's all right, it isn't the Colorado Beetle
at all, it's a ladybird. Hullo, they're all dead! What a pity I didn't
get here sooner.

My Original Opinion.
HE miners, Jam and Joe
f.lii and Bill,
I Are taking recreation ;
? Till labour-time returns
I X they'll swill
With great determin-
To train and rear their dogs aright,
/ i'mTo swear a goodish bit, and light,
T | In these pursuits consists their light
S And cheerful occupation.

I'm bound to say I never had
-The slightest chance of learning
' ,Y1 / iFP A single tact, cr good or bad
r Or otherwise, concerning
Theee very interesting three,
And so my judgment ought to be
SSExtremely independent, free,
\ Impartial, and discerning!

And thin I say: The mining lot,
Depraved and disaffected,
Are folks whose characters will not
Endure to be inspected.
I hear they very often swear;
They kick their wives and pull their
To mining folks, I must declare,
I always have objected.
.A Change.
Oh, sorrow! Let the thoughtless cease
Untimely jubilation I
I have indeed received a piece
Of dreadful information:
Those three have tumbled down a pit,
And now they can't get out of it,
And on the minds of all there sit
Alarm and consternation!
Devoid of mad, admiring zeal,
Which favourably mellows,
Without that hatred some reveal
Which censuringly bellows,
I fancy Jack and bill and Jem
(To judge from what I've seen of them,
With my unbiassed, wonted phlegm)
Are very decent fellows.
And, now I come to give the fact
Deliberate reflection,
Those miners' characters exact
More critical dissection;
I'm sure that J. and B. and J.
Are worthy fellows in their way--
Extremely worthy fellows, they-
Deserving my affection.
An Increase in the Change.
Those three have been confined for days;
I hear the water's rising,
In spite of all the means and ways
That people are devising;
For folks, deploring, meet, discuss,
And make a most astounding fuss-
Poor, noble three imprisoned thus!
Their virtues were surprising.
Unhappy Jem and Bill and Joe-
(Deplorable to think of!)
Have been confined a week or so
With nought to eat or drink of;
This dreadful news I've read to-day
Has pained me in the deepest way-
Why, absolute starvation they
Are surely on the brink of!
Such painful tidings to the sense
Are potently alarming,
The mind of its indifference
And carelessness disarming!

Ave. 8, 1877.]


And let me candidly confess
A miner, in his clumsy dress,
Appeals to me as nothing less
Than positively charming!
I always think there's such a grace
About the simple miner;
Observe his honest, homely face-
What picture can be finer?
He stands before us all- a man I!
Behold his chest's imposing span;
Why what in all creation can
Be nobler or diviner ?
'And then, you know, observe his mind-
It's civilized condition,
Upon my word, deserves to find
A wider Tecognition :
I'm sure you never would expect,
However sanguine, to detect
Such cultivated intellect
In one in his position!
They've got those noble three from out
Their dreadful situation,
And now those three have set about
Their wonted occupation:
Jem's pulling out his lady's locks,
And Joe is training fighting cocks,
And Bill revolves and rolls and rocks
In wild inebriation.
And on this miner subject now
My mind is much divided;
I can't decide by what and how
My verdict should be guided;
Whether this hewer of the coal
Is always such a noble soul-
Or only when he's "in a hol--"
I'm very undecided !

FIasT CUSTOMER (at a Bar). What'll you have, Bill F
SecoND CUSroMER. A drop o' whisky.
BARMAN. Scotch or Irish, sir ?
SEcown CusTomes. Neither, blarm 'em. I ain't going to support
no furrin drinks. Give us a drop of English.

A Post Card.
HIs Royal Highness the Postmaster General has given notice that
single halfpenny postcards may now be purchased, price three far-
things each. After this the old joke, "What is the price of a two-
penny loaf P" may be resuscitated. The idea of charging fifty per cent.
profit on a single article is said to have arisen in the beautiful brain of
a delicately nurtured post-office clerk, who thought it so jolly low to
sell one of anything, the price ought to be prohibitory, to preserve the
character of his establishment.

Neeum and Tultm.
Two men recently charged at Roscommon Assizes with the murder
of a farmer named Mee were, after some consultation, acquitted.
From private sources we learn that one of the jury said, Gentlemen,
we are to decide whether the prisoners killed Mee. My own opinion is
they have not killed Mee, yet, and I don't intend to find 'em guilty till
they have." Verdict accordingly.

SceN : A Government Office. Enter EXTREBMLY MILD PEBsON.
EXTREMELY MILD PERSON. Oh, I want to register a newspaper, if
you please.
FIRsT SHop CLERK. Don't know if you can, you know. We're
very pertickler here. Besides, it's just dinner time, and we can't be
E. M. P. Bdit it's very important, and besides I only want to
comply with your own rules.
SecoN SHOP OC aRK. Ah, ha! that's good, that is; why we don't
know what they are ourselves.
Fiasr S. 0. People are always coming here saying it's very im.
portant, and then they never bring the papers out. What do they
mean by it F Have you got the paper with you ?
.E M. P. Yes, and I am prepared to prove publication, according
to the Act.
Fisr S. C. Ah, now you've done it. Mind, Ididn't want you to
prove anything. (Consults with other clerk.) We can let you have
a form- one penny, please-but as you' ve conformed to the regulations
we shall have to put you off for a day or two. Make haste, please, as
I'm getting precious hungry. Don't happen to have an ingun about
you, I suppose P
E. h. P. (who seems doubtful as to how to fill up form). No, I
haven't, but I don't mind running out to get you one, if you'll do this.
FiaT S. 0. Ah, thanks. An' you may as well get half a pint
o' four-hbalf an' a saveloy while you're about it. (E. M. P. goes, and
presently returns laden, bat the form is not yet filled up.)
E. M. P. But you've not done that, after all.
FILT S. C. (with his mouth full). No. How could I You only
say J. Brown Is it J. for James or J. for George P
E. M. P. Neither; it's for John.
FIasrT '. C. How do you spell John- and who gave you that name ?
(E M. P. gives the desired information, and FIBAT S. 0. fills up
paper.) Five shillings!
SECOND S. C. But we can't register to-day. You see you've taken
the trouble to prove publication, and we can't register a thing that's
been published till afterwards.
E. M. P. Naturally. You see if you registered it beforehand, it
wouldn't have been published.
SBCOND S. C. Don't know nothing about that. The Vice-Ohan-
cellor says that if you prove publication you mustn't register till
afterwards; so you must come another day.
E M. P. (beginning to lose some of his mildness). Can I see your
superior officer ?
SecoND -. C No, he's gone for his holidays; besides, he won't see
strangers when he is here. It's no use, I tell you, you must come
some day after you've proved publication.
E. M. P. But suppose I hadn't taken the trouble to publish in
accordance with the CopyrightAct?-l only did it because I considered
it necessary.
BoTs S C's. More flat you!
FiRST S C. If you'd come here and only said you wanted to register
your title, we could ha' done it all right. But we mustn't depart from
the Vice-Chancellor's decision, you know. Come again next week, and
perhaps we'll be ready for you.
E. Mi. P. (despairingly). Oh, Routine, Routine, surely your name
is Civil Service. (Exit.)
(Clerks laugh consumedly, and toss for beer. Five minutes after
the EXTREMELY MILD PERSON has disappeared a rival appears on the
scene, and not having taken the proper legal precaution, succeeds in
registering title without any trouble. Tableau: Great Triumph of
Truth and Justice, Red fire, and Apotheosis of Civil Service Clerks.)

'MID wild alarms, and when with anxious heart
The captain waited for his Lord's behest,
The greit First Lord of all bids him depart
From troubled waters to the seas of rest,
While all the cries of friends and foemen cease,
And War is changed for one eternal Peace.

Getting over a Bad Habit.
AN old lady, eighty years of age, has committed suicide. This is
another and somewhat peculiar instance of lengthened suspense
becoming at last worse than the end itself.

The Hour and the Man.
THE Eour has again been appearing, this time in the law courts.
But strange to say, though there is no misjudging the Hour, no one
seems really to know which is the Man.



^ ,~l ^^ s^ ,,,.^ ^ ^

"'Ere's a awful place to be sent to do a day's work in! Dull? Why there ain't no sort of amusement wotever. Nothink to okkipy yer mind and kill time."

"'Ooray! 'Ere's a dorg a-comin'. 'E's something for to look at for a bit."



~- -~- _
- -~.-- --





AUG. 8, 1877.]


MAN's often full of foolish ways
In manners or in conversation,
And human nature nowadays
Fills many a breast with indignation.
Folks' tempers vary- ma5 be Fate
Has much to do with their condition-
But if there is a thing I hate
It is a nasty disposition.
I lately bought a suit of clothes,
Which, twixtt ourselves, I stood in need of.
(Now this is an affair that shows
The petty spite we see and read of.)
I've been that tailor's friend, but still,
To gratify his mean ambition,
List week he sent me in the bill-
That shows a nasty dispo ition.
There's Mrs. Maggs, with whom I dwell
(For formerly her kindness won me),
I'm very much ashamed to tell
She's lately thought it fit to dun 'me.
On troubling me she seems intent,
And like some horrid apparition
She comes and asks me for her rent-
Which shows a nasty disposition.
I lately went to woo a maid,
Her hand (and cash) was all I needed,
And quickly my deoirs I paid ;
I sought her house and strongly pleaded.
I donned my best attire and, loI
Soon told her of my heart's ignition,
I asked her hand, she answered No!"
That showed a nasty disposition.
Believe me, friends, I blush to hear
(And really I'm the worst of blushers)
That someone who, it would appear,
Is Emperor of all the Rushers,"
Is now engaged in active war
To gain some Eastern acquisition.
I'm sorry he's so greedy, for
It shows a nasty disposition.

A GOOD little boy wishes to know if when men tell
very wicked stories they ever hurt their fib-ula.
AN AEBIAL RAIUwAY.-That of Ohighoh I to be sure.

SERGEANT Cox has fined himself sixpence for stealing a joke, the
property of the late Sydney Smith, and palming it off in open court
as his own.
Sir James Ingham has sentenced himself to half a day's imprison-
ment for interfering with detectives.
Mr. Commissioner Kerr has fined himself a farthing for being rude
to a prosecutor. On the application of Mr. Commissioner Kerr the
fine was subsequently remitted, the culprit showing that he would have
to change in order to pay it.
Our own private magistrate has fined himself five shillings for being
drunk and incapable once when he was a young man. He handed the
money over to his wife as the representative of authority.

A Life Chase.
A LOCAL paper states that, Three young men, who left St. Aubin's
Harbour, Jersey, the other day on a pleasure expedition, have not yet
returned." Maybe they haven't yet found the object of their search.
Presuming, only naturally, that a pleasure expedition is an expedition
in search of pleasure, we should have been surprised at those com-
posing it returning speedily, unless, indeed, they had given up the
chase for good, finding capture impossible.

Said and Done.
MAJOR SESDDON "of the firm of Rice, Potter, Walker, and Co.,
timber merchants," wanted to be a Conservative M.P. for Grimsby,
and delivered speeches anticipatory of victory. It was to have been
Seddon for Grimsby, but it isn't Seddon done yet.

Church News.
A SHOCKING report reaches us concerning the Bishops. We are
informed they are perpetually winking at Miss Behaviour.

Countryman (who has been sitting ") :-" WHAT no 'RE sAY, MAISTEr f"
Artist (answering friendwho has just spoken) :-" OH, NOTHING! DON'T YOU
Countryman :-" DANG IT ALL, MAIsran; IT BEAN'T DIRTY, BE IT "

While They're About It.
Tas Russian press is furious in its attacks on England's perfidious
policy, as it is now called." Well, so is the best portion of the
English-so perhaps now the Tories will say these are all in the pay
of the Emperor of Russia. It would be only one more in their list of
Atrocities if they did. And would be well worthy of connecting with
the others, and just as easy of manufacture.

Hobart Doing It.
HOBRT PASHA has taken two ironclads and gone to the Black
Sea." Under ordinary circumstances, one ship is enough for one man
to sail in at a time, and it is some consolation during the present
impaired position of Great Britain to find that an Englishman in a
foreign service is so great a gun that it takes two ironclads to carry
him- and his dignity.

The Weak Spot.
A MAN in Scotland was committed for trial the other day for having
broken his wife's neck. I never thought it could have been so
brittle," sail he to his legal adviser, seeing her heart was as hard as
adamant and her tongue like a ten-ton-power flail."

A Dot in the I.
SMITH thinks that Karl Blind is hardly the kind of man to prophecy
as to the future of certain Continental States, especially when it is
remembered what an extremely keen look-out for themselves their
politicians seem to keep.

Ray bies.
IN the dog days, our high life contributor says he hates the Park
and the Row, they are so horribly sunny. He has an attack of Hyde
Bow phobia, of coarse.

62 ] FUN. (AUG. 8. 1 7.


Humbly Dedicated to the Worshipful Court of Aldermen.
BREAK up the British nation quick, and sweep the bits away,
Pound Parliament to atoms, please, it's had its little day.
Bring back the plan of lord and serf and good old feudal games,
Then find where Magna Charta is and fling it to the flames.
Go sit, Britannia, on your wheel, and weep the happy times
When outrage on a Briton's right was deemed the worst of crimes.
A vulgar Court of Aldermen our Constitution takes,
Then puts it o'er a gouty knee and bends it till it breaks.
Now who be these same Aldermen who dare defy the will
Of freemen who, with earnest vote, choose one a place to fill P
What neither king, nor prince, nor priest, nor governments attempt,
Shall these poor podgy dotards do from punishment exempt ?
A pretty lot, forsooth, to say, What though six hundred men
Have used undoubted right of choice and sent him here-what then ?
We magnates of the scarlet robe and heavy chain of gold
Decline to let a Radical invade our Tory fold."
Go to I go to you dullards grey, o'ergorged with meat and wine,
No longer shall our sacred rights be fouled by act of thine.
Get off the wheel, you foolish flies, lest as it turns around
It crushes you a shapeless mass upon the dusty ground.
How dare you tell the honest man his fellow men elect
He is not fit to sit with you-his presence would infect ?
You relics of a barb'rous age and unenlightened past,
Be sure this act of insolence proclaims your end at last.

WE are authorised by the Russian Ambassador to deny the state-
ment that, Druscovich being a Russian, the Czar had sent an army to
defend him from the attacks of Poland.'

A CRUCIAL TsST.-The one applied to the Chaplain of the Middle-
sex House of Detention by the magistrates.

A Singular Selection.
MR. A. C. SWINUBRNE has taken it into his head to dignify Con-
grove, in "an encyclopedic utterance," as the "greatest English
master of pure comedy." We ourselves possess almost a reverence
for Congreve and a very large respect for Mr. Swinburne-for the
latter more particularly when not engaged in giving off his encyclo-
poedic utterances "-but those who know them both will think the
adjective is hardly the one that might have been chosen. Particularly
as it can never have been intended to hold any connection with
Time "
THE Paris Temps has long been noted for the variability of its
opinions. Our own Stratford-atte-Bowe correspondent says that's
quite right. Time" changes us all, and nothing is much more
shifty than "weather." (N.B.-We shall keep our weather-eye open,
and see no more such puns-pun-y puns ?-find their way in
Fiddle de dee.
MEBREMED Axl PASHA, the present commander of the Turkish army
of the Danube, is the son of a French fiddler. His father's old pro-
fession should be of use to him now, for some one who can "fiddle"
well is highly appreciated in Turkey.

A Vehicle for a Joke,
".THB papers bristle with lively accounts of the carriage accident to
Prince Amadeus, who had a wonderful escape by jumping out of the
machine." It is not recorded that he exclaimed, I Am a dens ex
machine when he did it.

All Al ly.
THE Ministerial Organ which announced that the Crocodile had
sailedto take our Turkish ally gaiters, has been sent to sea for himself.
Am "ELASTIC SrEP."-The "stepper" at Cold Bath Fields.

AUU. 8,1877.] FU N 63

Of, I do so wish I was well off, and could do without work!" said
young John Brown, as he started off briskly to his daily labour one
fine morning; "how I'd walk in the fields and enjoy myself all day
long, and then I'd have a good dinner, and wind up at the play. Ah,
how fine it must be to be well off !" And he hurried along, and busy
with his thoughts about wealth and position, got in just before the
gate was locked on all latecomers, who were by the inexorable rules
of the establishment compelled to lose a quarter."
I think I should ha' been tempted and taken the day," thought
Brown, "if I hadn't just managed it," and all the morning long he
envied the rich, by which he meant everyone not compelled to work.
He envied one old man in particular, his master, who was reported
very well off, but who always hung about the shop and scolded the
men, and was generally disagreeable. Why don't he go to the play,
or up in the fields, or anywhere but the workshop," said Brown; I
know I would if I wasn't obliged to be here, and earn my blessed
It will be readily understood that Brown had not seen so much of
the fields or so many of the theatres as we have. Of course not, or he
wouldn't have fancied that either the one or the other can field per-
petual enjoyment, to those who have had time to pursue the phantom,
for any length of time. It never struck him that anyone could pos-
sibly tire of either, and so he went on wondering and grumbling the
whole day long.
Now it so happened that Brown's master was a magician, and had
mastered the faculty of divining other people's thoughts, and as he
had a great regard for Brown, who was a good workman and really
very industrious, he called him into the eounting-house that same night,
and said:
I'm sorry, Brown, to see you are dissatisfied with the position in
which it has pleased Providence to place you. Now the sooner you
conquer all that sort of feeling the better it will be for you. I know
you wonder why I don't go away for holidays, and see all the new
plays, and walk in the fields. The real fact is that I enjoy myself a
good deal more in my own way."
Brown shook his head doubtfully, at which his master said,
"Well, wait a while, and I'll explain it all to you."
And as his desire was simply to encourage this youth, by all' means
in his power, to stick to work and not let himself be carried away by
any false or absurd notions, the old gentleman produced a bottle and a
box of cigars, and telling Brown to help himself, proceeded.
I, too, was once like you," he said, and used to think that there
was nothing in the world like pleasure, as the word is generally under-
stood. I, too, was young and in love- ."
It may as well be admitted here that Brown was very deeply in love
with a girl of similar station and inclinations to himself, and that was
another of the reasons why he regretted his poverty,-so the old man
must have been an awfully cute magician, mustn't he ?
And in love like yourself; and I used to spend the greater part of
the day complaining. But I was not long in discovering that sort of
thing wouldn't do, and so I stuck to work with assiduity and moved
on step by step until I in time achieved an independency. It took, of
course, a good; long while, and several slices of luck fell in my way,
but I'm sure that luck always comes to him who deserves it: that is,
there is really no such thing as luck in the world. The same things
will be sure to come to you if you but try after them." And here the
old man paused to let the truth sink deeply into Brown's mind.
Brown, it must be admitted, seemed to pay much more attention to the
bottle and cigars than to his employer.
By the time I was in a position to be married, the girl I loved had
proved, as she said, tired of waiting, and had half-a-dozen squalling
brats around her. I was therefore pleased to see I had avoided wedding
anyone who didn't care for me for myself alone, and improved my
fortunes considerably by taking a wealthy wife. Perhaps I'm not as
happy as I expected to be; but nobody ever is. When I was at last
able to go to the plays I found them extremely dull and uninteresting,
and was glad I never wasted my time at them before. And walks in
the country only made me hot and tired, and stirred up my bile, or
caused me to eat more than was good for my digestion, and brought
on a bad dyspepsia. So you will find, when you've reached my age, that
the best enjoyment after all is in the workshop-if you happen to be
master. And you will be master some day, of course, if you only
persevere. Take another cigar. Goodnight." And the old man felt
sure he had converted Brown from his dreams of pleasure.
Brown had some more drink that night and thought it over. Next
morning he had a headache, and instead of stirring himself to go to
work he thought, "Why should I? Now's the 'time I can enjoy
myself-by-and-by I mayn't be able." And he went up in the
fields, and finished off at'the play, taking his sweetheart withhim, an
arrangement which really resulted in their getting married a month
afterwards. And Brown constantly neglected his work, and remained
poor, and had a large family, and will very likely die a pauper; but up to
the present he says it's his duty to enjoy himself while he can, and not:

leave it till the faculty of feeling pleasure in almost anything has de-
parted from him.
So we may reckon for once the moral of a story came off wrong."
And the old man might just as well have been not a magician after
To our thinking, Brown was possessed of the true magic.

ILLu..STItTrv of the old proverb, "Where there's s-wif there's
s-way I"_

Ande ,
I mI a her in my heart, my May,
And ]kep my darling captive there !
But not because she'd fly away
To seek for liberty elsewhere.
For love is ever free as air I
And as with me her love will stay,
I hide her in my heart, my May,
And keep my darling captive there.
Our love is love that lives for aye,
Enchained in fetters strong and fair;
So evermore, by night and day,
That we our prison'd love may share,
I hide her in my heart, my May,
And keep my darling captive there!

Fashionable Intelligence,
Mas. NATmoR, who. gave a ball to the Prince and Princess of Wales,
did the thing in style,.for although the number of guests was by no
means large, the ball 9ost over 5,000." Anyone who can realize what
the position of the ox-envying frog in the fable would have been had he
not come to a sudden'collapse, will understand the now-exalted station
of the Naylors in the world of fashion, and the envy of their friends and
neighbours. Indeed, it is whispered that the Prince, so as in future
to distinguish them from all others in that branch of trade and show
their superiority, has given them permission in future to call them-
selves by the style and title of regular Tenpenny Naylors.
Strange but True.
SaVEnAL of the New York papers insist that General Grant was
mercilessly snubbed when in England. The Yanks are annoyed to
think the highest honour he received was that of a simple citizenship,
when he might have been made Chief of the Reform League, Presi-
dent of the Magna Chartists, Chairman of the Codgers' Hall, or have
worthily, filled one or other of the many similar public offices so well
known in America' as being real representative positions of greatness
over here.
Boss and M. Boss.
A NswsPAPrar for the blind is the latest thing spoken of. What-
ever may be its success as a journal, no one can doubt it will
thoroughly represent the Press in its most extended form.
A LOALY- LOOK-OUT.-That of Russia this week in the City.

64 FUJN [Auo. 8, 1877.

_THB present writer here
Would make a full confession,
For love has made him fear
He's full of indiscretion.
But anyhow, his heart I vow
Is not is his possession!
He's been and met his fate,
His fate has oft caressed him,
Her name he couldn't state,
Not even if you pressed him.
I No doubt his way will make you say,
S" Whatever has possessed him?"
He simply answers this,
That love one day implored him
OTo seek a certain miss,
-----. DAnd said that she adored him.
The Bard was soared and unprepared,
In fact it rather floored" him.
At all events be went,
And favoured was his mission;
He found a being sent
To brighten his condition-
A maiden true, with eyes of blue,
Who proved a wee magician!
Lo, she disdained him not
(He found he'd not intruded),
And said she'd share his cot
I (With heart and hand included).
dNoW, won't he prize those love-lit eyes
(To which he has alluded) !
The present writer owns
-_ His bosom feels the lighter,
And so, in joyous tones,
To all he' an inviter.
For look you, friends, she soon intends
To wed the present writer!

r eAn Aquatic (15) Note.
ANTI-VIVISECiION. I TaR Lord Mayor, having observed a boatman save
Old Lady sympathetically ) :--" WoT'S THE POOR HOLD GENT BEEN A- two lives at Hammersmith, has sent him a fiver. All
DOiN' ON, PLERCRUAN P" the mair honour to him, says our Scotchman; while
Z. 2004 (,ternly):-" Done' ox! wYr, HIMPArI' OF THAT THERE JELLY our Bond-street elegant retained on the establishment
FIsH WITH THIS HEBR STICK I" for the cut of his clothes, adds, "Quite White of him
Old Lady (feelingly) :-" Ho I THE 'ARDENED HOLD WRETCH 1" haw."

One Touch of Nature- ." Piscatorial.
Ma. DARwirwn and others have signified their intention of presenting A BEw weekly paper devoted entirely to fishing is announced. We
Mr. Pongo to the first vacant Irish constituency enamoured of Repeal, must be allowed to express our doubts as to the "entirely." We
as soon as he arrives at his majority. (Of course before obtaining a happen to know a little too much of the fishing for plaice (which often
majority it would be impossible to consider Mr. P. duly elected.) comes off crabs"), so significant not only of weekly, but of some
Messrs. Darwin, Huxley, Tyndall, and Co. are of course anxious to daily papers, that roe in with any Ministerial sole-cism, too well to be
know whether in the course of natural selection Mr. Pongo's manners codded like that!
will at all suffer through his constant conferences and connections
with the Irish Home Rule members. As the project and its result is Good News.
likely to cause the deepest interest in the scientific world, we feel a A MSDICAL paper says," Prince Albert Victor has rapidly conquered
most lively pleasure in being the first to place this information his malady." Of course he has, or he wouldn't be Prince Albert
before the public. Victor. There would seem to be a royal road to health nowadays, if
not to learning. Formerly, the royal road was only one to illness;
The Ayes Have It. and in that much we are indeed improved.
Two labourers quarrelled about a division of beer at York the other
day. One struck the other in the eye and knocked him down. When Pedestrianism.
picked up the man was quite dead. This, though a strange, was a A GREAT High Church walking match is in progress. The com-
very certain way of obtaining his bier--and he got it with the eye, too. petitors are trying which can go quickest, and the ground selected is

GRIST TO THE MILL."-SubEcriptions to a prizefighter's stake- the Roman Road.
money. THE ONLY HOME RULans.-Shillelaghs, and the Biggar the better.


Entire Wheat FlourP.f,& eeN"
series" of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
PERFECTLY DIGESTBE. points being rounded by a new procesg.-Ask your
I> E LY PITESTIOLE. O Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box Xnd
.* \ GHLY UTRITIU. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING. select the pattern best suited to your hand.
RICH IN PHOSPHATES. CAU2YON.-7f Cees thickes i. the sp it promes the addition of stare. WORKB, BIRMINGHAN.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phmixl Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctor Commons. and Published (for the Pro rl etors) at 163, Pleet-stre t, B.O.-London, Auguet 8, 1S.,

AUG. 15, 1877.] 5 I

A NEW paper de-
voted to the inter-
ests of supers and
stage footmen is an-
nounced. It is plea-
bant to find that the
spirit of ultra-Con-
servatism which has
so long trammelled
the theatrical press,
and made it ob-
servant only of the
stars and such-like,
is about to receive
its proper punish-
The elegant man-
ner in which Mr.
Jones places a chair
or removes a carpet,
and the energetic
way in which the
line, "My lord, the
banquet waits!" is
delivered by Mr.
Smith, will not now
be lost to an appre-
ciative public The
venture, we are in-
formed, will be
edited by Mr. Brown,
for so many years
the much-respected
scene-shifter at the
Theatre Royal, Bun-
As the eminent
tragedian Mr. Bull-
roarer was coming
home the other night
he dropped his voice.
All efforts to dis-
cover the where-
abouts of it have
been up to the pre-
sent fruitless.
Mrs. Juggins, the
worthy washerwo-
man, who likewise
deals in apples,
oranges, ginger beer,
and almond butter-
cakes at the Chuck-
emout Circus, is
about to take a well-
earned holiday.
Club-row, long
famous as an East-
end market for
pigeons' milk and
mares' nests, is about
to be pulled down.
The Board of
Works will be peti-
tioned to allow the
title Club-row to be
transferred to and
exchanged for Adel-

Lady (with Catalogue) :-"No. 53, Eva TaMPTsD.' "
Gentleman (desirous to know the painter's 'name) :-" WHO BY ?"
Lady (shocked at his ignorance) :-" WHY-BY THE DEVIL, OF COURSE."

Mr. Potts, the
famous painter, has
just completed an
"arrangement" in
water- colours a
liquidation move-
ment in effect.
A friendly lead
will shortly be held
in aid of the Drama-
tic College, which
has been "in trou-
ble" lately. The
promoters of the
meeting are glad to
state that several
eminent "pugs,"
the shove-ha'penny
champion, and the
whole of the comique
talent of the music-
halls have promised
their assistance.
Complimentary tick-
ets, which entitle
the holder to a pint
of four-half and a
screw of shag, to be
obtained of the Cus-
todian of the "Na-
tional Drama," Bul-
ly's R'nts, E.G.
While Mr. Melli-
fluous, the baritone,
was cutting his
corns last Monday
evening, he had the
misfortune to notch
one of his razors.
This is why he did
not give his shave
d'oeuvre the other
night at the Pro-
menade Concerts.
Messrs Moore and
Burgess are in nego-
ciation for the pur-
chase of the Albert
Hall. The only diffi-
culty in the matter is
Mr. MAoore's desire to
pull down the Me-
morial and sell it for
second-hand ginger-
bread. Behas already
made several South
Kensington C. B.'s
weep at his irrever-
ent remarks on the
Should the present
lessees succeed in
making a fortune out
of the refreshment
department at Alex-
andra Park, shares
in the aerial railway
to the moon will be
immediately issued
at 150 per cent. pre-

Absit Omen'
MR. BOLTER, so a local paper says, has arranged to conduct" the
coach which runs between Margate and Canterbury during the
season." It is much to be hoped that the only Bolter will be on the
box, and that both leaders and wheelers will go at the pace which a
would-be wit, who died shortly afterwards of his own sharpness,
described as a Canter bury much like a Mar gait. And everybody
admitted that he richly deserved it too !

Parliamentary Minute.
THERE is to be no Ministerial Whitebait" this year. The
Government will try a little Whitewash instead.

WHY do members legislate P
(Echo) late.
Making Erin grow irater.
(Echo) I rate her.
Laws so passed have little weight.
(Echo) wait.
How will't end P quoth legislator.
(Echo) later.
The MILITARY SiTWATIoN."-That of H.R.H. the Field Marshal


S66 FU N. [ATUG. 15, 1877.

ALTHOUGH you'll assure me the voice of Fame
Has never repeated my name to you,
I feel I'm a journalist all the same
Of shining abilities owned by few;
And nobody, having a mind, would feign
To place these abilities on the shelf,
I'm certain, on hearing me once explain
The glorious task that I've set myself!
However my articles may begin-
Whatever I happen to have to say-
I manage to drag Mr. Gladstone in,
In a jocular, airy, abusive way.
Whatever I write about (I repeat),
The name of the statesman that I malign
Has nothing to do with the theme I treat,
Bat this is the merit of my design.
(Spoken.) Yes, my dear boys, here's a specimen of the sort of
articles I write in the first page of our valuable paper:-
"We who live in the nineteenth century have much reason to con-
gratulate ourselves on the fact that science has attained its present
state of advancement, and, perhaps, among all the wonderful dis-
coveries which may well cause us to rejoice, the one which has of late
obtained such notice in America should take the foremost place. The
Telephone is, indeed, one of the most interesting, as well as one of the
most important, achievements of any age. Yet-- (and here we cannot
keep back the rising tear of sorrow and pity)- in spite of theadvance
of science; in spite of the manifold means of enlightenment open to
all; nay, in spite of the Telephone itself, we find Mr. Gladstone still
holding on his pitiful course of unscrupulous recklessness and -per-
sisting in his lamentable efforts to drag the name of Englishmapn
through the mire! "
My regular readers, delighted, say
An infinite humour and most refined
And heen ingenuity mark the way
I harp on the gentleman's ore MIND."
And oft, as I prove that his whole career
Is simply a great and protracted hbsh,
I think to myself. I tah is tlo severe-
And how the poor fetim,w mp;st feel my lash."
Oh, how he must redden with cringing shame
On heating my arrows of censure whiz,
As nobody probably knows my name,
And several people have heard of his.
And when I review py tired's (in #o9me
Weak moment, when pity with gentle force
Is touching my bosom) I'm overcome
With something uncommonly like remorse!
(Spoken.) For, you know, it must simply knock the Ex-Premier
out of his seven senses when he reads such an article as this :-
Are we at length to receive bod fli e visit, from the much-dreaded,
but as yet little known, chimera, the Colorado Beetle? From
accounts which have beep lately flowing in from all sides, it would
seem as if we were to become the next victims of this terrifying
monster, and that the tuber crops of Merrie England" were destined
to be the next spoil of this ipeatiable conqueror. Specimens of the
tiny pest have, it is reported, been already observed in our potato
fields, and, should the next winter he an open one- But alas!
what are all the evils of an open winter when compared with the
disastrous horrors of an "Open Mind ?" Mr. Gladstone, in his last
pamphlet, has perhaps at length attained the uttermost depth of
which party bigotry and radical inconsistency are capable," &c., &c.
And how I have slowly contrived to win
The ski;l I possess in my work I'll tell-
The shill that assists me in working in
Entirely irrelevant themes sc well:
A few of my earlier years I spent
(Before I developed my party views)
In working up bits of advertisement
To read like respectable bits of news.
Commencing, we'll say, with the Turnpikes Bill,"
Or, say, with the heading "Destroyed at Sea,"
I'd finish with Quacker's Urnfa ling Pilltt,"
Or somebody else's Unequalled Tea."

Yet I've thought now and then- (and I tear my hair
At the withering notion, and clench my fists)-
What horror if Gladstone is not aware
That any such writer as I exists! !

And, I do assure you, when I ponder upon this fearful possibility, I
go off meanderingly into some such medley as the following- But
on second thoughts, I'll refer you to any of my little articles on the
first page of our valuable and beautifully-tinted evening paper; and
then you can see for yourselves, dear boys, what medleys I do go off
into. But, at the same time, it as always very comforting to think:-
(Chorus.) Oh, how he must redden with cringing shame
On hearing my arrows of censure whiz,
As nobody probably knows my name,
And several people have heard of his I

Earning to distinguish himself! "

The Cloven Ronf.
MR. WESTOV, the walker, informs his friends that he has, during the
past year, walked nearly ten thousand miles. We would willingly
credit Jim with the performance, and not be at all particular as to the
meas6rAment, if he had only done it on end in one continuous
Northern, Southern, Easters, or even Weston direction. We would
freely have allowed him the assistance of a Scotch run in, but
as it is there is much too .much of the" Walker I" element in the
statement- even for walkers.

A BA4ILWAY company has just been compelled to award a widow
over 6,000 for the loss of her husband. The married ladies of the
neiglboturhood, who were at first all empathy, now display a distrust
and jealousy of the unfortunate relict which would have quite over-
whelmed her, had not a wise friend pointed out how extremely com-
plimented all the husbands must feel under the circumstances.

"Does not a leesting Like This Make Amends F"
Lora BsacoNsiBLD has been to see Mr. Pongo. The meeting was
of a private and only semi-official character, but for all that the consulta-
tion must make its mark in history. What becomes of the interview
between Alexander and Diogenes, or of that between Wellington and
Blucher, after so significant a conference as this P

An Extinguisher.
FIRE-BRIGADE men who distinguish themselves greatly at fires are
to be rewarded with bronze medals. To give such true heroes a more
expensive metal would be like sending coals to Newcastle or gilding
refined gold. Still, penny presentations seem somewhat out of place
among men who are constantly showing themselves "as good as

An Explanation.
PonIPL. are wondering why the professional name for Scotland Yard
is "the Factory." Why, of course, that is merely the short for Male-

Another New Beading.
AN airey nothing (X. 999 's version) : Honly cold mutton."

Tan SWINDLzas' AL SiRAT."-The Bridge of Allan.

ArG 15 1877.1


ScaNBE: Hampistead-road. Time: On the verqe of Midnight, Bank
HsnBAND. Come on, missus, do, we shan't get 'ome afore daybreak
at this rate.
WIFE. I'm dead beat I can't move a hinch; carry the baby and
make the children leave go o' my skirts, I can't drag 'em no further.
SEVEN OCEILDUnSM (Aowlip), Oh, father, we're so tired. We want
to go to bed.
HUSBAND. Stop yet row, do, and come hon. (Shakes them indis,
WIFE. Leave them children alone, do, you brute. If you was a
man you'd have aoab.
HUsBAND How can I take a cab when we ain't got a mag lef
You're always a-wanting something. Come hon, do.
WiP I shan't. I shall sit down on this 'ere doorstep, and I
shan't budge a hinch. (Seats herself with SEVEN CHILDREN. ~key
HUSBAn.D. Stop there for hever if you like. I'm hoff. No more
Bank Holidays for me. [rio.,
Enter YOUNG GaENTLBMAL and LADY quarrelling.
YOUNG G. Go on, yer was a-talkin' to him.
YOUNG L No, I wasern't.
YOUNG G. if i er conterdicks me again I'll slap yer in the hi.
YOUNG L. Well, I wasern't; there' (He slaps her in the hi. She
shrieked Police They are taken to the station-ho'se.)
YOUNG G. (en route). No more takin' a gal out o' Bank Ollerday
fur me. [ Exeunt.
nter SWELL.
RWELL. Hi, eabl .
Po ncMAN. You won't get any cabs to-night, sir, the werkin'
classes uses all wots out, and the others keeps the day.
Swnt,L. Ibair the working classes. Hang Bank Holiday. (Walks
up aTompseteSroad perspiring with exertion. Enter midale-class LADY
and GRNT1',LEwA.)
LanD. In go no further; we must have walked four miles in
search of some meat and a loaf for supper.
GENT. ft i1 Rhocking. Not a butcher's or a baker's open. Only
public house, which we cannot enter.
LADY. Oh, Pollceman, can you tell us where we could buy a loaf
or a little chasn, or something to eat ?
P"o, ,ios*r No--but you can get apples and hices. There aittlstn
other Shops been open all day. (Charitable person at window above, who
has head w esversation, calls to them.)
CHARITABLE PERsoN. Here is a loaf, lady and gentleman; I took
six on 'unday, and have this left. (Middle-clss couple take loof and
depart with tears of gratitude I
FIaST POLICEMAN. Our station's chock full o' charges. How's
yourn. Bill P
SECOND POLICEMAN. Full; there's been four murders on my beat,
and about forty assaults
F.srT POLIOPMAN. All this 'ere Bank Ollerday--
S-c'IND POLIOEMAN. Yus, its a noosance. Them as don't walk
theirselves silly gets smashed on railways, and them as don't get
drunk gets nothing' to eat, and them as don't get fighting but goes
'omne quiet has to be knocked up to bail their relations. It's a
Nanhernul nuisance is Bank Ollerday.
RESPECTABLE TRADESMAN (passing promiscuously). No it is not.
If men and women spent the day as I do, indoors, overhauling the
place. repairing the wall-paper, whitewashing the ceiling, and going
quietly through their books, it would be a very delightful holiday
POLTosrN. Look here. If you don't square us we'll run you in
and charge you with assaultin' us, you wiper.
REsPO CTABLE TNAviKAw. Go on, you wagabonds!
PoLOcaMN. He calle us vagabonds. Off with him! (They run
him in.)
RFsP5CTARLn TRADfPviSK. Ah, this comes of passing promiscuously
on Bank Holiday. Blow Bank Holiday.

Fame and Name.
HERB is a literary announcement of considerable interest. Lady
Susan and the Watson, by James Austen, Authoress of Emma."
Macaulay once said of this authoress, If I could get materials I
really would write a short life of that wonderful woman Perhaps
he would have thought her more wonderful still had he heard her
Christian name was James.

A "Goon TIMr OOING FOB PEEBSTRIANS.-The Mile-ennium.

'TWAS a glorious day, and Apollo was present,
For summer had come all our hearts to console,
When it chanced, on observing the weather was pleasant,
The poet emerged from his slum for a stroll.
He mused, as he went, on the cares that annoyed him,
And thought of the lustre that affluence lends;
And lo, as he wept to tlink chums would avoid him,
He happened to run against one or two friends.
"Come, join us said they, let us drink to our meeting,
A pub's nigh at hand, let us go and carouse;
'Tis long since we had the great pleasure of treating
Our talented friend with the laurel-decked brows."
To the 'Boozer and Bottle our steps we directed,
And very hilarious there we became-
Some Chamuny to moisten our throats we selected,
A wine which the Poet knew only by name I
To several doses the Bard was persuaded,
For when you're at Rome you must imitate Rome,
Till thinking he'd be by his missus upbraided,
He thought it high time to be seeking his home.

He fancied 'twas only the heat of the weather
That caused him to totter as homeward he slunk,
But his speech was uncertain, his knees knocked together,
In fact, to be candid the Post was drunk.
Yea, his neiehbours unfeelingly grinned when they saw him
Attempting to find out his knocker by ni ht,
And the wife of his bosom, oh, didn't she jaw him,
On letting him in, and beholding his plight F
Anon, all entreaties to go to bed scorning,
Unspeakably helpless he lay on the floor:-
Bat, oh, such a headache he had the next morning
That he fancies he ll never get screwed any more!
:,- ---'z?,

Happytising for TFtiellers.
THE Midland Railway Company are abotM to introduce a dinner-
wagon," which wilt be attached to their daily saloon service for long
journeys. Of course, the dinner d l ceIPt will be chief on the list,
though most signal success is expected from points steaks, open-
cutting pasties, wheel cutlets, oushioh rashers, railway porter, and
other luxuries. It is only natural that the money will be collected
at Settle, that no heel taps will be allowed, afid that the drink for the
usual loyal and patriotic toasts will be All port of a most approved brand
and bouquet. __
Not Bock Tet.
A SCOTrISH paper states that heirs are anxiously wanted for a
handsome property in Clackinannan. "Representatives of the family
have been advertised for in every portion of North Britain, but
wi hout success." Naturally. We should have thought it was beyond
a doubt that the way of all others' not to discover a missing Sootchman
was to advertise for him- in Scotland.

A Mystery Solved.
A W prstow-supn -MARE paper says that a young man had his ear
shot oft the other day by the accidental discharge of a gun he was
carrying in his pocket." Oar own interrogator wishes to know if he
carried his ear in his pocket as well. (Of course not; it is obvious that
he carried his pocket on his ear and the gun behind it.)

ya-y and Daisy.
A Nsw weekly_ publieatio entitled the Daisy is announced. The
writing in it will of ooeiwe, be of a "flowery" description. We can-
not, however, help thinttlng the title is a misnomer for a weekly, as it
is only a morning or evening paper that should call itself the Daysy.

OInce Bit, Twice Shy."
t&aR1OA MAoCMAtoN states that the first object of his policy is
peace. It would be singular, indeed, if there was anything warlike in
the policy of a modern Fteneh marshal.

A Popular Question.
"STANDS Scotland where it did?" No less popular answer: No;
not if it is to be measured by a Scotland Yard.

A RBAI FaONT-RANw" MAs.-First Lord Smith.


68 FUN ([AUG. 15, 1877.


/ -. /

When you make an appointment to meet a friend, never fix upon a long, straight piece of road sa the meeting place; if you do, you catch bight
of your friend a long way off and embarrassedly pretend not to see him, to avoid commencing your smile of greeting too soon.

N -, -. -, -

Whereas, had you fixed on a corner, you would have come upon one another suddenly, burst into a great, glad, intelligent smile of welcome, and
ecnceivtd a mutual attachment never to fade.


IF UN.-AUoUST 15, 1877.



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NJ 2
4' N~

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>/, ^^''



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AUe. 15 1877.] U N 71

We love the land where grows the green:
For noble men are they
As this brave world has ever seen
Amid the battle fray,
That claim it as their native land, I TI
And proud they ought tobe, i
For valour, worth, and mmay grand
Bold deeds of chivalrie.
And while we all due honourgive
To these, the best and brave,
O woe that gallant hearts should live
To see this land the slave
Of such a rowdy, blatant lot
As we have seen today,
That leave a bleard, .dark canker-blot
The good can't wipeaway! !h
The best and bravest of her men
Now blush with shame to tell
Of their humiliation, when
Mad Biggar and Psanell
Did play the fool's "obstruction" game, l
With their weak rowdy crew,
And brought disgrace upon the name
Of Ireland, bold and true.
We love old Ireland, land of song;
For many a noble heart
Hath she sent forth to right the wrongIV
And play an honest part.
As they have done, so woild we do,
Aad for our sister stand -_-- _.
'Gainst these, the neither brave nor true
Sons of a noble land.
Shame that these men betray the trust
Which they are sent to guard,
Each honest heart now feels there mEst
Be dealt some sound reward;
And that reward we say, wall! what F
How shall this bud be-nipp'd ?
If Mr Fin could hold the cat,"
These fellows should be whipp'd. ..

A Famous Remark. ALL MY EYE.
WHAT the tree said when it fell on the woodman. Conductor:-" Now THEN, BILL, 'NEAR SAt UP.'"
Serve the feller right. [At least that's a what it sounds like to little Purblind.

THEY say that the French Marquis has renounced Patti and her
income on account of their Income Pattibility of temper.
They say that Biggar considers hurried legislation in August grouse
injustice to Ireland.
They say that a new spoon called the Operatic is being introduced
by a silversmith. It is made of Nickelini silver.
They say that dreadful affair in Islington was Lynch law with a
They say that young Merritt the author is to have shares in his Golden
Plough which should be a case of money tilling certainly.
They say that Lord Salisbury having overcome his emotion at the
loss of his gorgeous pickings out of the new street, has composed
a song for Conservative working men entitled All round my
Hat field."

Conservative Foresight.
IT was stated by the Standerd, which was, of course, wrong again
with its "inspired officialism," that Sir M. H. Beach was to be First
Lord of the Admiralty. Possibly the report arose through the fond-
ness her Majesty's ships have lately shown for running ashore. Had
the rumour proved true, the Admiralty offices would at once have
been removed to their most appropriate place, Beachy Head. So
much for Government tips." (But the Government appointment of
Mr. W. H. Smith is the most popular and well-deserved thing the
Conservatives have done since they have been in office.-ED.)

FATE, I have a boon to ask you,
Will you grant it, if you please ?
In your favours let me bask-you
Never more shall know me tease.
'Twill not take you half a second,
And upon your aid I've reckoned.
Do I want to know the issue
Of these Russo-Turkish cries?-
No, dear Fate, I do not wish you
Thus to open mortal eyes.
Only tell a cautious hedger
What will win the great St. Leger.

A Question of Privy-lege.
THE Dispatch is very much exercised because Lord Beaconsfield has
been drawing, and still wants to draw, 2,000 per annum extra as
Lord Prive Seal, while professing to do nothing of the kind or being
Privy to such professions. Oar contemporary doesn't seem to see the
joke. Lord Beaconsfield being a humourist of the first water, saw at
once that what was intended to be Privy should never be made pro-
fane and public. And a very good joke, too-for him: until he got
found out!


A GENEROUS action is recorded this week of a nobleman not remark-
able for such things. While riding in the Park, he gave its horse his
Keeping Them Warm. head.
Our at Simcoe, in Ontario, they have invented a capital method of
dealing with paupers. It was unfortunate there were only seventeen Sporting.
on the premises when they caught fire, but the result was satis- THeY want to make out now in pedestrian circles that O'Leary did
factory. his miles so easily because he was a Mile easy 'un.

72 TA" UITNT. At G. 15. 1377

Knowing Visitor (about to sail) :-" WIND ABOUT NOR-NOR-WEST, Er?"


SCBNE: Not far from Bow-street.
FIRST SUPER. Behold in us three parties known as Supers,"
Who enter nightly when we get our cue,"
Attired as Gensd'armes, Bandits, Mob, and Troopers.
OMNES (vociferously). We do!
SECOND SUPER. We're ragged, we'll admit, but still we're clever,
And though Melpomene adopts an air
Of diffidence, shall we desert her ? Never!
OMNES (melodramatically). We swear !
THIRD SUPER. Although our aspirations it disables
To be disdained by ev'ry noted star,"
We're there at hand to bring on chairs and tables-
OMNEs (proudly). We are!
FIRas SUPER. Observe how soldierly each bears his banner,
And shivers when the heavy man says Bah! "
Or laughs, at certain cues, in stagey manner.
OMNES hollowlyy). Ha! ha!
SECOND SUPER. And when to Treasury" we wander meekly
To see if there's a ghost "-our "sal" is small,
'Tis but six shillings we are tendered weekly.
OMNES (dismally). That's all!
TunLD SUPER. It matters not how carefully we spend it,
A bob a night will scarcely buy a crust."
Friends, must we not do something to amend it?
OMNEs (mysteriously). We must.
FiMsT SUPER. Shall we submit to managers' oppression ?
Nay, let us rise, and strike a mighty blow!
Shall we be trampled on in our profession ?
OMNES (emphatically). No, no!

SECOND SUPER. The Super-master we must be defying,
And make our grievance clearly understood.
Would not a small revolt be worth the trying ?
OmNES (eagerly). It would!
THIRD SUPER. Ay, let them jeer and gibe at our position,
The time will come when we'll earn better pay,
By striking we may better our position.
OMNES (excitedly). Hooray!
FIRST SUPERa. Hold! let us not give way to idle sorrow,
But, rather, let's be resolute and brave
We've got a call" at twelve o'clock to-morrow-
OMsEs (dolefully). We have !
SECOND SUPER. Allow me to remark that, near this quarter
Know a "pub." where we may drink our fill.
Let's seek the Gasper's Arms," and have somi porter ?
OMNES (with alacrity). We will!
[Exeunt OMNES.

What's in a Name P
IT is not generally known that old John Frost the Chartist lately
deceased was originally chosen as leader of the movement with which
he is now only identified, because he was the properest person to
represent that now is the winter of our discontent if the Chartists
had but got a proper hearing. As it was he merely lived to
signify by his name the manner in which the affair collapsed directly
the element of danger appeared among those who wer" ready to
sacrifice their lives for the cause-if it could only be done in a nice,
easy, and profitable manner. In the way of all true patriots, in fact.

Ma. PARNELL is announced to be editing a new guide book to sena-
torial duties. It is entitled, A Book of Easy Obstructions for Young
M P.'s."

Ave. 15, 1877.]


IT is seriously mooted that we are to have a Minister of Health.
We believe the following notices of questions are shortly to be given
in the House of Commons:-
To ask the Minister of Health if his attention has been called to the
bilious appearance of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and if he does
not consider late sittings injurious to the hon. gentleman's health.
To ask the Minister of Health if his attention has been called to the
advertisement of an English patent medicine vendor, who professes
that his food has restored the Pope to health, and if it is lawful for a
Protestant subject to restore the Pope to health.
To move that the Minister of Health be requested to feel the pulses
of hon. members; and report generally upon the health of abstainers
and non-abstainers in the House.
To ask the Minister of Health if he is aware that Lady Beaumonde's
little girl caught cold through sitting on damp grass in Hyde Park,
and if he will take measures to have the grass dried.
To ask the Minister of Health if dandelion tea or hot Irish is best
for a liver complaint, and to conclude with a quotation.
To ask if the Minister of Health is aware that Dundee marmalade is
the most wholesome sweetmeat in the world.

A Remedy.
THE Chancellor of the Exchequer has contrived during the last
fortnight to land the House and himself over and over again in a
ridiculous and humiliating position on account of his lack of presence
of mind when dealing with the Obstructives. Proposing awful
punishments at one moment and backing out of his own proposals at
the next, amid the jeers of the cool and collected culprits, the rieht
hon gentleman is fanning the very flime he would smother. Let
him abandon his present course, and whenever Biggar, Parnell, and
O'Donnell get troublesome, let him rise and propose that the House
do adjourn for the purpose of shooting passers-by from behind a hedge.
The trio of tyrants promise to be good when Irish business is alluded
to, and we know of no Irish business so flourishing as this. If
Bigger or Parnell should be the wrong side of the hedge so much
the better.

Oh the Times-."
WaH will the Times, applying its archaisms to most modern pro-
ductions, insist on calling August 6 a holy day ? It may be so, indeed,
to those who can afford to worship at the shrine of St. Lubbock-
whom we take to be not so much a martyr himself as a cause of
martyrdom in others-but to our thinking last Bank festival had
much more of the Saturnalia than the holy day about it. It was, in
fact, not so much fast as furious; though in some few cases we will
admit it seemed to be indeed both.

"The Better Horse."
IN the catalogue of a sale of horses and harness a few days back at
Newcastle.on-Tyne, occurs the following stupendous piece of descrip-
tion: A grey mare, 15.3 hands high, six years old, used by owner
for the last ten years." And not the only "grey mare" by many in
Newcastle who has managed to get the better of old Time in this way.
That auctioneer is evidently of a sarcastic turn, and though he only
says "ten years" it is evident he intends to make "a score" off

Anything but Loyal.
IN speaking of the last performance at Her Majesty's, the Times
says, Among the audience was his Royal Highness the Prince of
Wales, with a large party." Of course, we do not know whothe
party was, but it is a very disrespectful way of alluding to-any
friend of thq Prince of Wales's. This coarse familiarity is unfortu-
nately a sign of the Times.

,An Axei.Intal Parallel.
Lo nD BEAcoNsriELD is so gl He says if in the Seebach affair he
was a little bit of a traitor t ahis country, Mr. Gladstone is tarred
with, the same. brush; for do t Hawarden the other day he was
pract) ing high trees on in t I" nc'of akthoussnd people.

LD fellow, as you gaze into that glass
And think yourself a dashing sort

You seem to have no inkling of the
It never strikes you that you are an
But that you're one
I'll show in Fun,-
I cannot let such good occasion pass.
You think that if you've got the pro-
/per fit,
// And if your trousers wrinkle not or
I bag,
You can afford to let the whole
world wag
And care for letters nor for art one bit;
SAnd war's alarms
For you have oharms
Because they exercise your puny wit.

You say, "'Tis jolly-aw-to hear-
Have-aw-the worst of it by all
account I"
And then you let your flood of
wisdom fount
And never dream that listeners, ae loth.
Poor little mind,
Inane and blind,
Yes, you're a humourist- of mildest growth.
You who believe that if your coat is out
To fit exactly as the Fashion shows,
Whose way in life is one of Parks and Rows ;
You! who are nothing but a witling's butt,-
That you and such
Should dare to touch
And soil great subjects with your pigmy wut" !
And thus you see, my friend, it comes to pass,
Though on the subject I don't care to harp,
That as you think now welt you look, and sharp,
To me and others you're an ass, as crass
(A selfish cad
Weak-minded, sad)
As ever was reflected in a glass.

Forbes or MacG. P
O.E of the Scotsman's correspondents at the seat of war was recently
expelled from Turkish territory because it was believed by officials
that he represented the D ily News. What becomes of the angelic
features of Mussulmans, so vividly dwelt on by all true Conservatives,
when they take a small and pitiful revenge against honest opinions
this way ? And, what is perhaps more to the purpose, where by this
light is the gorgeous ability insisted on in the same direction, when
after a consultation, the authorities stated that so far as they could
discover the Scotsman was the Daily News. ,o And the D. A. is so
particular to always have Irishmen, tool "I""

Practical Experience.
PSHAw l" said Mr. Biskitt, the eminent pastrycook and con-
fectioner, when he was told that Geikie's Great Ice Age referred to a
remote period; p-haw wy hi ve bin in the trade near on forty year
myself, an' there never was so much done in that line as now, hi can
assure you. It's hallus the way with them fellows as write books on
trade subjects ; their facks is never right! "

An Ancient Wish to a Modern Purpose.
LITERARr gentleman advertising in a ditto paper for a re-engage-
ment, specifies among his requirements, "modern salary." That is,
we suppose, he requires his money before the debt becomes ancient.
In this case, all we can do is to wish he may get it."

"Blbw it All! "
A neASTIne operation: That of the ironmasteis in Scotland who
intend to blow out one-third of the furnaces at present in full


[Ave. 15, 1877..

I G_ ____

A Sonnet.
I WATCHED a man with feeble steps ascend
L," The steep where Fame's proud temple shines afar"
Against high heaven, like a distant star!
On his pale face such sad expressions bled
As if, save Hope, he had on earth no friend!
Ever to Fame he gives the toils which bar
With golden rays of joy the days that are
His life within this mortal prison penn'd.
I saw him prone upon the steps recline,
And pray admission to Fame's shining sphere.
But hark! a voice from out the sacred shrine
Comes floating down in accents sharp and clear:
Ah! I daresay you think 'tis very fine,
Bat, Mr. Fergusson, you don't lodge here 1"

"Cheese it 1I"
Wa are informed that the deposits in the Frome Penny Bank
amount to 968 18s. 3d. At this rate it should soon be called the
Frome Pretty Penny Bank-that would to our thinking be "just the

I'vo a longing at present consuming my soul
And increasing by rapid degrees,
And my hankering's only and ultimate goal
Is a silly affair, if you please.
But a man cannot help where his appetites rest,
Or arrange where his fancy shall lie,
And the groan which at present is riving my breast
Is for currant and raspberry pie.
Of course, it is proper and right to explain,
And I hold it, dear reader, but due,
That the cause of a seemingly frivolous pain
Should be freely unbosomed to you.
I am staying, alas! at the house of a friend-
Now it's August-I came in July,
And I know e'er I leave that the season will end
For my currant and raspberry pie.
Now the rules of our etiquette won't let me say
What I fancy for dinner or tea.
We've the best of good fare on the table each day,
Save the dish that I'm-longing to see.
And there isn't a shop in the place, for it's small,
Where the writer would order or buy
The joy for which freely he'd barter his all-
Just a currant and raspberry pie.
I've a notion that longer I cannot conceal
All the agony deep in my heart;
I shall pour out my woe at some middle day meal
And descant on that exquisite tart.
I shall fall on my knees and in accents of grief,
Sob aloud, Oh, my hostess, I die !
I've a painful disease, and its only relief
Is a currant and raspberry pie."

Quite Right, Too I
Mas. JONES read the other day that "the pro.
visions of the Wild Birds Protection Act, 1572, have
just expired." "Then why don't them Parliament
men order a fresh supply, and prevent the poor little
creatures from starving ?" was the good old lady's
natural question.

FIRST WORKING MAN. Well, I believe we should have done the
same as them American Railway chaps.
SEcOND W. M. No fear. And, besides, our soldiers wouldn't have
fired on their own countrymen.
FIRST W. M. I'm sure they would. (To SOLDIER.) Wouldn't you ?
SOLDIER. No, that I shouldn't.
FIRST W. M. You wouldn't? And why the blank wouldn't you,
I should like to know ?
SOLDIBR. Simply because- .
FIRST W. M. Yes?
SOLDIER. Because I'm in the Band.

THE Royal Dramatic College is at present promoting angry discus-
sions among the profession. It is a pity the college should produce
such ungracious (s)cholers.
WITH Mr. Fau's compliments to the New First Lord: aber omnia

NOTICE! -Next week,

ML 16 tra Strong
~1I~jII~fBut& aotd~sll Handm ed CADBURY'S


"'5 '~*'* JOHN HEATH, lirminghass. xU.Lji-SOLUBLE-RERSIG
Slei Wboleeale London Agents-N. J. POWELL & Co., Me, wh iecha58I, E. CAUTION.-If Gee. thic!.,.. s ie cup it proveCsc Meddition o~f starsh.


As'~~ Supid- h

1.4ted bh JUDD & CO., Phoanix Works, St. Andr' Hill DOetor' Oammon, sad Published (for the Prouetoren) 1u0, i1 Steet, .0.-Landon. August 15, 1r.


LAST night I had to pen a lay,
A friend dropped in to have a chat,
I stuck to work, yet bid him stay-
And in the easy chair he sat.
But all he said and I replied
Got mixed with what I meant to write;
And when to read it o'er I tried,
This queer production met my sight.
The moon was high o'er Leman's lake-
Old Joe and wife are up to stay,
A furnished house they mean to take-
And brighter than the orb of day
Shed silver shadows on the hills.
His liver's queer, I hear he'll drink
No end of draughts, and wall w pills
Enough to make a lifeboat sink.
With nimble footstep sprang a maid- -
I wish you'd come and see a pup
I bought last week of Jerry Slade-
Then turned her eyes in rapture up
And bowing to the holy moon,
Exclaimed-the grog wants stirring, Joe,
I beg your pardon, here's a spoon-
I hear his footstep on the snow."
He came and clasped her to his breast-
You know the girl at Dawson's bar ?
She's married Jobbins-on his crest
He wore a gleaming silver star.
Be beats her so, the neighbours say;
Poor gi9 1, her pigs were badly sold.
They heard his faithful charger neigh-
My mother's got an awful cold.
But who is this with flashing blade?-
Oh, can you change me half a quid ?
I want a cab, and I'm afraid--
With coal-black eyes by helmet hid
He rushes at the heedless twain,
And cries, while aiming deadly stroke-
You're busy, boy, I'll call again;
Confound it all, my meerschaum's broke.

An Unfeline Remark.
THE gentleman who bit a cat's tail off remarked the
other day when receiving sentence, "I can do that bit
for a cat's tail." Why didn't the magistrate call him
back and give him nine more cats' tails ? He missed a
fine opportunity for Justice and a joke.



JSoBNB 1. A suburbam sta tiin:.
Porter (to Lsdy) :-" AIN'T THBBE D00S8 ND GUNS YOUR'N, MARM ?"
Lady:-" 0 a, EAcIOUS, NO I AND 0O, WBAT oas P100MB OF MY TET

SCaBN 2. .Fifty miles further on.
Porter (to Major Bang) :-" GUNS AND DOGS, SIR No, SIR, THIS IS ALL

HE led me through the marble halls of his gorgeous palace, and I
stood amazed at the grandeur which surrounded me. As he fell
luxuriously into a solid gold arm chair set with priceless diamonds, the
sunlight came softly through the orange groves without, and lit up
his features. "Strange," I exclaimed in an audible whisper, "but if
mine eyes deceive me not, I recognize in you the famous barrister who
had 2,000 guineas a day and a million as a retaining fee." Oh, yes,"
he answered quietly, I was that barrister once, but the remuneration
was too small, and I went into a more lucrative profession." "More
lucrative! can there be one ?" Oh yes, I turned detective, and my
present colossal fortune is the result. This gold arm chair set with
diamonds was my share of the robber the robbery of the Bank of England.
Yonder two million bank-note which is framed above the door was a
testimonial presented to me by twelve wealthy murderers whom I
assisted to dispose of their victims. I was also employed in disposing of
the Countess of Ironly's diamonds, and half of them fell to my share.
I squared twenty big jewel robberies in a month and purchased an
estate. You see, the men found out that I was safe and honest, and I
soon had my share of all the good things. Upstairs you shall presently
stroll through my gallery of stolen pictures. Ah, the bell announces
a visitor; keep your seat, pray." As he spoke the servant announced
Mr. Alexander Collie. Ah, Collie," said my host, grasping his
visitor cordially by the hand; glad to see you." Mr. Collie fell
upon one knee and exclaimed, "Mylord, I havebrought your quarter's
allowance; you will find in this envelope the usual ten thousand
pounds." My host counted the notes, then flung them carelessly
on the table. As he did so two other visitors entered who were
announced as "Mr. Lizardi" and "The Cannon.street Murderer."

Both of them having laid envelopes upon the table, shook hands with
Mr. Collie. Well, gentlemen, you'll stay lunch ?" said my host.
But they all declined at once, merely asking if all was quiet at the
factory, and, receiving assurance that it was, with a bow to me they
departed. "This is quarter day, you know," said the detective
presently, "and you must not mind a few interruptions of this sort."
It was about half an hour afterwards," while I was inspecting the
collection of stolen plate of this Prince of Detectives that a telegram
was handed to him which he at once opened and read. "You must
excuse me," he said when be had finished, "but I have a telegram
stating that the police have information that the Queen is to
be carried off by the Fenians, together with the Crown jewels and
plate. The latter are to be my share, and I must go and mount guard
at once lest the plan should be interrupted. You will excuse me, I
know." He shook hands cordially, stepped into his brougham, and
was gone in an instant. I left soon afterwards, and from that day to
this I have never been able to make out where I lost my watch and
chain, my purse, my scarf-pin, my pocket handkerchief, half an ounce
of tobacco, a pair of cotton gloves, and two new farthings, all of
which I had about me when I called on this Prince of Detectives.

Information Wanted,
A FASHIONALE contemporary announces that "Lord Russell has
requested his name to be added to the Fund." We should bo glad to
know what Lord Russell's name replied, and if lords' names have the
power of unassisted action.

A LONG DEorP."-A pot o' beer-among one !


AUG. 22, 1877.]

76 FU N [Are. 22, 1877.

This represents the delight of Spooney Brown, who thought he could do a little swagger at Gowes, in full Yachting rig, as oj course no oqe there
would know him. Be comes on those jolly but awfully enthusiastic Sailors, the Topsles, with Captain Spinnaker in tow. They are just going of to
their yacht, and he must positively come too, to make up the party. The Youngest Topsle is promising him a "Hummer" outside !
(N. B.-A bretzs is springing up, and Brown was once very ill going to Greenwich by water).

Mr lords and merry gentlemen, I'm very glad to say
Your little game of parliament is broken up to-day.
I'm sure my clever Ministers must need a little rest:
How hard they've worked to muddle things and done their little best!
My cheeky note to Russia drew a very mild reply;
We tried our best to go to war-I'm sure I don't know why,
Unless my lord of Beaconsfield imagined that a fight
Would let him end his wild career amid a blaze of light.
At present I regret to say we're rather in a fix,
Because our foreign politics are what is termed a mix."
My Cabinet is split in two, one-half for Russia works,
The other half would egg us on to help the nasty Turks.
I think I'll let the navy go and pepper Russian ports,
And march my army overland to storm the Turkish forts ;
Then Beaconsfield and Salisbury can kiss and make it up,
And silence all the spicy hints their quarrels give to gup."
A famine I regret to say has visited the land
Where lately wealth was spent for me with free and lavish hand:
While streams of gold were flowing fast to make a pageant bright,
The starving myriads strewed the fields- a truly awful sight.
But when my heralds blew their trumps, I hear they all got well,
And down before the Kaiserin in graceful homage fell;
And those who died, Lord Claud declares, were victims of their glee,-
Perchance that was a compliment from Hamilton to me.
At home, I think we've sat upon the naughty Irish lot;
If Dizzy had been in the House they would have caught it hot.
Poor Northoote has not shown himself a clever leader yet-
But then among Conservatives we have what we can get.
My people are delighted with the very pretty laws
You've passed with such judiciousness, debating every clause.

If any say you have been slow, I hope you'll answer "Stuff!
We passed at least a bill a month, and surely that's enough."
Now get ye gone my noblemen and excellent M.P.'s;
Go, shoot the birds upon the moors, or sail upon the seas;
And if you get the smallest chance to charm a country crowd,
Be sure of you forget to sound your trumpets loud.
And while you're on your holidays-five months you take, of course,
The mighty stream of great events must tarry in its source :
Though with the heat of raging war the lands of Europe burn,
The interests of your countrymen can wait till you return.

A Novel Sight.
THE Anti-tobacco Societarians think the Colorado claro knocks
the ditto beetle into a cocked hat for danger and destructiveness. We
don't know ourselves, but should like to see the beetle when he is well
into the cocKed hat-of course smoking the claro to comfort him in
his new and unwonted position.

Washy or Qaashy.
THE gentleman who was fined the other day for using soap in the
Serpentine is going to appeal. He says it is evident such proceedings
"won't wash." On the other hand, the prosecution prays that the
Bench won't quash. Meanwhile, the password of the Serpentine
Swimming Club remains as ever, How are you off for soap F"

THE magistrate who sentenced a geranium to three months imprison-
ment for shooting without a license, has had a barman executed for
blowing the head off a pot of four ale.

THE Most Valuable Beast in the Market: The (fore) stalled ox.

Aue. 22, 1877.]


FUN. 77



Before the Start. Putting up some snacks for the journey.

At the Railway Station. Using up some of the snacks.

On the Beach. English ideas of complete enjoyment.


[A.UG. 22, 1877

A journalist's duty holds out
(I'm sure of it) no undertaking
So pleasant as writing about
A popular holiday-making I
The heart that is planted aright
Must view with unqualified pleasure
That highly delectable sight
A people enjoying their leisure.
When people on holidays start,
By pleasure enchantingly bidden,
Their nature's more culpable part
Is ever so happily hidden:
No cruel, unnatural lark,
The calls of humanity flouting,
Has ever been noticed to mark
A popular holiday outing.
We've never the sorrow to flal
The holiday maker distresses
The properly sensitive mind
With wild alcoholic excesses !
We cannot but ask, with a stare
Of glad admiration, How is it
He shows such a cherishing care
For places he happens to visit P "
He'd yield him to martyrdom's stings
Before he would think of destroying
The trees and the shrubs and the things
Intended for public enjoying!
I judge of his innocent sports,
And outings, and holiday capers,
From these and from other reports
I frequently find in the papers.
Era morning subdued and serene
The roadway to Epsom was lighting,
That roadway presented a scene
As varied and gay as exciting.
Amid the incongruous throng
All business seemed in abeyance,
And travellers rattled along
In every kind of conveyance.
The way these conveyances took
Was lined with a legion of faces,
Intent upon having a look
At those who were bound for the races.
Some hundreds of horses (but fit
To rest and be pensioned and stabled)
Were tortured, and rawed with the bit,
And goaded, and lamed, and disabled;
And several, failing in breath,
Were killed by unlimited thrashing,
Or savagely driven to death
By drivers uncommonly dashing.
Th) constables round and about
Were furnished with ample employment,
And nothing whatever fell out
To limit the people's enjoyment.
Sir Wotsaname, wishing to lend
The people some gratification,
Jri ited the people to spend
A day in his noble plantation.
Sir Wotsaname's garden and ground,
With choicest exotics abounding,
Are truly the loveliest found
Throughout all the country surtonfidihg;
And here, all agog and elate,
The people came flocking in legicn,,
Al soon as they opened the gate,
To visit there beautiful regions.
T.eey tore up the plaints by the roots,
AM proof of their girtified senses ;
Thy troripltd the beds with their b-ots,
And 'arnag d the ga'es and the fences

Much drinking and boisterous play
Accompanied language unseemly,
And during the course of the day
The host was insulted extremely.
At midnight (persuaded in pabt,
And partly by dint of coercion),
The crowds were induced to depart,
Much pleased with their little excursion.
And when the enjoyable day
They spent in the place had concluded,
They bore the exotics away,
Thus leaving the gardens denuded.
I afterwards heard from a friend
Possessed of correct information,
Sir Wotsaname doesn't intend
Repeating his kind invitation.
The hands of Blank, Dashem and Co.,
Released from their daily employment,
Had special permission to go
In search of a little enjoyment.
The masters provided the ale,
A band for their workmen's diversion,
And food on a liberal scale,
And vans for the little excursion.
The workmen, accepting this mark
Of kindness with gratification,
Proceeded at once to the Park
To join in a strike demonstration.
Most eloquent speeches were made
Denouncing their present employers
And others engaged in the trade,
As Labour's relentless destroyers."
At length that assembly arose,
And, as they were homeward returning,
They went to Blank, Dashem, and Co.'s
And set all the workshops a-burning.


Fun-etic Fancy.
SOMH interesting experiments have been made with electric light at
Cronstadt. The Peter the Great was illuminated, and on board the
Olaf, "which was anchored four cables off, the officers were able to
decipher the text of an English newspaper." That was more than
likely because the newspaper was "light reading on its own account,
hnd if so, why are we left in the dark as to its title ? No doubt Fun
was at the bottom of the whole business.

"Dayvus Some!"
A STATISTICAL journal says: "Last week the sun was ab)vo the
,horizon 107.4 hours." "Dear me," exclaimed Mrs. Juggins, on
reading this, "an' I thought the longest day was over weeks ago I "

FUNI.-AuaUST 22, 1877.

N /


kV''4 CA"',


iii; .i'


U N-.--- AuavsT 2, 1877.


1-10 T-i I ID A. -Y- -


AUG. 22, 1877.] F U N 83

ComE, quick! boy-bring'me here the morning news,
That I may see how moves the world along,
Whose rapid step doth brush the morning dews,
What wayward whim now rules the restless throng.
What says the war cry, clanging from afar ?
Who fightsfor peace ? Who drives the battle car ?
And let me turn to scenes of peaceful day,-
And read who wins where never blood is shed.
Who wins the race upon the watery way ?
Which gallant horse upon the green turf led ?
In manly sport where stalwart and the bold
May wrestle, who the victory shall hold ?
I want to know what Parliament has done,
Who kept the members there till early morn ?
Who were the drones, who made a little fun F-
What laws were patched-what reputation torn ?
The Opera, too I 0 let me see who sang-
Who thrilled the throng while silvery music rang.
The Opera closed ? Well, then, the play's the thing ";
Who acted Hamlet-who the murderous Thane ?
Who cares to hear a simpering siren sing
When Bouncer struts his hour at Drury Lane ?
But stop I I see the tragic muse is not
Just now enacted at that classic spot.
But what of that ?-there's still before the scene
Good men of worth and high histrionic fame,
And many young and fair ones too, I ween,
That teach and please and bear unblemished name.
Yes, yes !-say what you will, "the play's the thing"
To bear man's heart away upon the wing.
So let that pass. We'll turn to something else,
The City news-how are the funds to-day ?
Is cold or fever-heat the money pulse ?
Are consols firm ?-do foreign stocks give way ?
Are "Mines" and "Railways" better now, or worse ?
And at the close how stands the public purse ?
No, this won't do! I'm not a City man!
But here I see a more attractive page:
"The Courts of Law my eye shall closely scan
And mark who try to cheat, who chafe and rage;-
These strange, odd leaves of history that we read,
How loud they speak of cunning, crime, and greed!
Here's startling tidings of a drowned crew;
Or fashion fetes some "lion" of renown;
Then here's the foreign news," that's soon got through,
We'll turn a page and run the leaders down.
I like to read what thinking men may say
Upon the stirring topics of the day.
-Well! Be it good or bad, the news we see;
The paper is in part our daily bread,-
An apple from the great and glorious tree
Of knowledge; full it's golden fruit is shed;
Take any other charm of life away,
But leave us, pray, the papers of the day.

Calling Spirits.
THE carcase butchers are about to call a special gathering for the
purpose of discussing certain matters in connection with the continued
high price of meat. That seems a lot of words to little purpose, when
it is remembered that the affair might be called a meeting, by the
butchers, and disposed of in one word.

Warm Words.
A LABOURER of Holbrook has been convicted at the Suffolk Assizes
of holding his father, seventy-eight years of age, on the fire. The
judge and jury coincided in the fact that it was a burning" shame,
and prisoner got ten years, a sufficiently hot" penalty it is to be

Rushin' Off.
THn Turks came upon the Russians so suddenly recently that the
Grand Duke, a special plaintively informs us, hadn't time to eat his
dinner. A diner d la Russe is one where everything is cut away from the
table. This .was a diner d la Russe where the diner had to cut away
from the table, evidently.

WHY is a keepsake like a ha'porth of blacking on your boots P-
Because it's a so3 veneer.

(By OU OWN IDItor.) -
n-- -- ,




"Up Guards, and at 'em !"
A HYBRID paper goes into gush largely because the Duke of Con-
naught has turned military inventor." According to this authority,
" his Royal Highness has submitted more than one of his ideas for the
consideration of the Horse Guards, but has not yet succeeded in
getting his articles put upon trial." It must be admitted that our
contemporary, with all its exuberant devotion, leaves it deliciously
vague as to which of these two facts it is rejoicing about. Does any-
one doubt the integrity of the Horse Guards after this f

THsY have brought out Brass at the Haymarket. Query, have they
brought in brass ?

84 F U N [AVG. 22, 1877.

SI, Fortune, my girl, I've been looking for you,
S... N Y -pI ~ -Where on earth have you lately been hiding?
They tell me at times you are apt to be true
I To those who are somewhat confiding.
I've been dreaming of pleasure this bright afternoon,
Ii.I.For 'tis little I have to amuse me;
I .O And fain would I ask you to grant me a boon,-
If you fancy I'm cheeky, excuse me.
.;JI Benevolent lady, attend to my plea,-
S. I want you to send me away to the sea I
S D I Behold your admirer! You'll see he's not rich
By the quisby apparel he's wearing;
I AFor trouble has cast him, as werer, in a ditch,-
Y you'll not be astonished if pale he appears,
iAnd I don't think his eye could be duller;
Why, bless you, he hasn't left London for cears,
!Ill iSo how can he have any colour P
Now, if you'd give vent to a pleasant decree,
Please send him away to disport by the seal
Oh, daily he longs for those rural delights
To which he has e'er been a stranger,
To roam by the ocean on moonshiny night;,
And embark-(if there isn't much danger).
I'm grumpy, and surly and full of despair;-
Fortune, take this effusion and read it,
Then send me away for a mouthful of air,
I think you'll admit that I need it.
A week or two's rest, how delightful wouldd be!
F ISo Fortune, pray send me away to the Eea I
lBy the bye, there is somebody whom I adore,
jl sWhose cheeks are fast losing their roses,
IIAnd a holiday, maybe, might help to restore
Her colour, but Fate interposes.
Now, if you would lend your benevolent aid,
A little surprise I'd prepare her ;
And though I should miss her dear smile, I'm afraid,
I would try fr a fortnight to spare Per.
AS GOOD AS HE SENT." So, after all, Fortune, you needn't mind me,
Traveller :-1" TBIED-CLASS TO DULLINGHAM." I can wait-if you'll send her away to the sea l
Ticket Clerk (roughly) :-" CaN'r TaE REAn ? TsIs AIN'T THIRD.L- ss."
traveller (mildly) :-- BEG PARDON. DDN'T LOOK THERE MADE SURE AN Opportune Season for the London Poor: The

his speech, and seemed dazed somewhat; but he always shook this ff
A MgIDSUMMER MADNESS. by the time his office was reached, and remained a stern, staunch man
ARMUEL PUNKER, Esq., of business and a specimen Conservative for the rest of the day. On
.1W was a wealthy merchant his way home he would purchase the evening issue of his favourite
S in the City, whither he Banner, and the editorials of this he would study carefully till the
... repaired regularly every train stopped at his station. There too it was once or twice not ced
morning, carefully shaved that he had a vacancy in his manner and a glare in his eye, which
and brushed, and in the faded away by the time he reached his own street-door.
manner generally that so What could it be that thus affected him ? For a time he passed it
well becomes a British off, but at last it became painfully apparent, and with the knowledge
Merchant and the head that it was so, and not merely fancy, came anxiety deep and grave.
Sof a large establishment. He consulted the doctors, and they said it must be the train or the
Ie was very methodical tunnels, and advised him to be driven down daily in his brougham.
in his ways, and always But worse and worse he gradually became, and it was noted that
rode down by the same once or twice, instead of getting rid of his malady before beginning
train-the one at 10.30, business, he at the office made one or two very foolish mistakes, and
which was full of the said things which caused even the grave senior clerks to stare, while
employing interest, and juniors burst into a regular guffaw. By and by the doctors had a
was not one of the earlier consultation and advised him to go away for a holiday and have abso-
1- and more clerkly des- lute rest. He went, and from the time he started out never felt the
Spatchments-and always slightest return of the mysterious disease; until, one day pining like
read the same paper. I a true Conservative for his regular newspaper, he asked at the railway
S- don't mean always and station if they could procure him a Banner, and they said yes. In due
-- exactly the same piece of course next day he received it, went out on the Marine Parade, and
N paper ; what I want to commenced to read eagerly, and had not got well through a third of
S say is that he perused the the leading articles when he was seized with a return of his incipient
Banner on his way to the insanity, this time much worse than ever.
______- office, and had his Con- It was the paper !
S- servatism strengthened Happily he had a medical attendant travelling with him, who at
accordingly. once saw how matters stood, and taking the Banner away, hurried Mr.
---- Now and again when Punker home before a crowd had time to collect. In the evening they
he got to the end of both laughed over the adventure, and said it was rather fortu-
an article he might be nate than otherwise, as it now removed all doubts from their minds as
perceived to gaze anxiously around him, and once or twice when to what had hitherto been so occult.
suddenly accosted as he folded up his journal he wandered slightly in I But," said Mr. Punker, "whatever am I to do without my regular

Aro. 22, 1877.]



_____ r r

4 I -_
L ~ -~~

Henry (trying to explain) :-" Oa! YOU SEE, MA, WE THOUGHT BABY WOULD LIKE TO BE JUMPING IN SACKS, AND S0- ."

Conservative paper ? I can't read the Radical stuff, and the neutral is
a good deal too clow for an old-fashioned blue and true' like me,
don't you know."
Pondering thus he returned to town, and was really grateful to find
that during his absence the Daily Dustcart had turned traitor-non-
sense, Tory. I mean, of course. And as there was nothing in that
likely to affect the brain, he got along healthily, wisely, and well for
a long while, and no one ever dreamt of thinking him in the least
insane. He grew more and more Conservative every day, and never
ceased to sing the praises of the Tory Ministry and the Turks, while
consigning Gladstone and all political agitators to perdition, eternal,
material, and irredeemable.
It was August and the House was to be prorogued for a full half-
year, while war was impending and the whole continent of Europe
was in an uproar. Punker had been noticed in serious thought for a
week or two, and the day Parliament closed and the country was left
to govern itself, he went down to his office, called all his clerks, ware-
housemen, and other employs together, and told them he meant to
shut up shop till next year and pay them their wages all the same.
There was naturally great jubilation among the crowd, who gave
three times three and departed full of the morrow, when each was to
receive a cheque and be allowed to roam at will until Parliament
reassembled. And they received one they didn't expect next morn-
ing, as they were told to get to work at once and not be silly by
a new man who was put there by Punker's next of kin, while Punker
himself had been conveyed in the night to the padded room of the
nearest lunatic asylum.
If it's good enough for the Government of a great nation-and
such a splendid Government, too-to do at a crisis like this, it must
be good enough for a private firm which is smooth and flourishing "
was all the explanation or remonstrance poor Samuel Punker could
And finding he insisted on this line, the doctors had the room double
padded, and ordered extra strong chains to be forget for a patient
whom they declared to be the maddest they had ever met.
So, you see, everything depends on the exact balance of your true

Conservative feeling, and whether it is domestic or political in its
bearing and influence.
And Samuel Punker, Esq., would have been better off if he had
stuck to the Banner after all, as then he would have been really mad
and wouldn't have minded. As it was, he was only just a trifle too
sane for the times in which he lived; and so he was made to suffer

Favourable Notice P
A WEEKLY paper notices that some correspondents of dailies
were seen toiling away from the wedding of Miss White (the Lady
Mayoress), almost bent double under loads of wedding cake. Can
this be considered an unequal distribution of wedding favours" ?
But what a curious Price I

"That's the Ticket!"
LITTLE Jones, the penny-a-liner, who was allowed the whole of a
shilling ticket to himself on the first night of the Promenade
Concerts at Covent Garden, was immeasurably delighted. He said he
always knew the promoters were good fellows, anxious to show their
Gatti-tude for services rendered during the past season.

A Black a Moor.
A THEATRICAL manager of our acquaintance thinks of reviving Othello
as apiee de cironstance. He says the Moors are all the thing just now,
and the dusky general ought to have his chance.

Ne c'est Pas de Calais P
SHOULD the gentleman who wishes to rival Captain Webb by
swimming across the Channel succeed in his attempt, it is to be hoped
no one will Cavill at his receiving all honour and attention.
SrrPPLEMENTARY CALCULTIONs.-The porter's, as to whether he
will get a drink or not.

86 FUN'T. [AUo. 22, 1877.

Old Friend (who had promised to take the girls for a sail) :-" YES, FINS

Well-tried Men."
A REPOBT to the House of Commons states that "drunkenness ii
increasing beyond precedent and belief in militia regiments." Beyond
whose belief ? we should like to know, and so would the militia, who
are not in the habit of having their ability questioned like this. To
keep them quiet, we are prepared to admit that, though only rated as
occasional troops, every "malliky of our acquaintance is a "regular"

A BAD phase of roguery, says our own rabid Radical humourist, is
Parliamentary pro-roguery. (Oar own professional thinks there must
be a mistake, as there never was, never is, and never will be any
roguery about pro's.)

MR. PAR ELL alluding to his recent escapades, says that through
him the place he represents will never be forgotten. If he isn't care-
ful, it will be re-membered sooner than he thinks.


RAi-'KIIUIltY. | lIME FIulr. I s'rtAwBeltRY.
Make most delicious beverages bythesimnple addition of water.
Pintolg. i-pints I-;1 Idoz..sortel Pints ent earrce. pd.for iS.
Sole Mianuaflctuer, W. BECKETT, Heywood, Manchester.
Sold by Chemists, Grocers, and Confectioners, In ost towns.
Can be obtained through all Wholesale Houses.


Silos Fixings.
OwING to one or two defaults on the part of bridegrooms who have
forgotten to show up at the exact moment, it is gravely proposed in a
local journal that when the bridal day is fixed the bridegroom shall be
fixed also, and at the same time. Considering what a fix the poor
fellow is sure to find himself in after the deed is done, it seems hard
to rob him of all chance directly he commits himself.

Oxydised Weight.
THREE has been exhibited to the Prince of VWales and his portion of
" the rest of the Royal Family," an ox which is stated on authorityto
weigh 400 stones." This may mean anything-or nothing, to those
in the know- perhaps one of them will inform us, what is the size of
the stones?
A Kurrsory Remark.
OUR nigger says that his sympathies are quite with the defendant
bobbies, and he considers the evidence against them a Massa Kurr
of the Innocents."

C0. BRANDAUER & CO.'S Newregistered "press
I sries" of these Pens neither scratcl nor Fpurt-the
COCOA ESSEN CElBB points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING. select the pattern best suited to your hand.
CAUTION.-If Cosa thickens in the cup it Proves the addition of #tarch. WORK, BIRMINGHAM.

MY love of loves-my May,
In rippling shadows lying,
Was sleeping mid the hay-
My love of loves-my May!
The ardent sun was trying
To kiss her dreams away I
My love of loves-my May,
In rippling shadows lying !
I knelt and kissed her lips,
Sweeter than any flower
The bee for honey sips!
I knelt and kissed her lips-
And as her dark eyes' power
Awoke from sleep's eclipse,
I knelt and kissed her lips,
Sweeter than any flower I!
The pair of gloves I won
My darling pays in kisses!
Long may the sweet debt rut-
The pair of gloves I won I
Till death our love dismisses
This fund will ne'er be done-
The pair of gloves I won
My darling pays in kisses !

A BrOicr Tory of our acquaintance says he can't for
the life of him see why Mr. Gladstone should go about
troubling himself with regard to the No mads in Central
Asia. They really-can't be of much interest to one who
has so many bees in his own bonnet as our Ex-Premier.
What does the Globe say ?

Handle or Mo'sart?
A TRADE journal says that the Rhabdoskidopheros is
the name of a new umbrella of curious shape. A comic
journalist assumes that it is an umbrella with a very
long handle."
Hard to Swallow.
THE village of Eaton, in Wisconsin, has been de.
voured by fire." When rebuilt it will be renamed

Are. 29, 1877.] FU N. 87

BrLOVED pals and mateys-feller journeymen in crime, .
You've knowed me and you've trusted me for sich a length o' time; !,.,l.
And knowing of me long, I says, you'll all on you agree
I've never 'ad no morals wot was big enough to see.
I up an' says this 'ere to you in this imprErssin' way,
Because I'm feared you'll take the words as I'm about to say
As being kind o' moral in their inclination; which
I 'astens to assure you as they are not meant as sich.
Now (it's painful to be stated,
But) Im dreadful agitated,
And my mind is off its 'inge,
And my bosum with remorsefulness is werry overweighted,
And I suffer from a inward twinge.
I've scrooperlously tried, I 'ave-(I 'ope you'll bear in mind)-
To never 'ave no scrooples, not of any sort of kind;
You couldn't go denying that I 've struggled all my might
Resisting all temptation towards a-doin' wot is right ;
You'll all of you remember as I've always turned my back
On any missionary as was orferin' a track: k_
All this I say repeated, as preparing' of you fust --_
Before I up an' mentions (which I feel as how I must) Visitors of distinction being introduce I to Mr. Pongo.
That by trembles overtaken
All my nerves is badly shaken, I
And my mind is off its 'inge,
And I feel a sort of feeling of regietfulness awaken,
And I suffer from a inward twinge !
Now I long 'ave bin a trouble and a terror to the force,
But I've never felt a atom of the thing yer call "remorse,"
And I go a-robbin' people and a-leavin' 'em for dead,
But I never 'as a thought o' bein' sorry in my 'ead. r
And a kid I mangles frequently, or else a aged dame,
But dooce a bit o' scroople and remorsefulness and shame.
But for something as I've lately bin a doia' of. I've got
A kind o' moral shameyness-a sort o' "don't know wot!"
Oh, there isn't no expressing
Of my feelings-they're distressing !
And my mind is off its 'inge,
And the trouble I'm a suffering' is impossible o' guessing,
And I suffer from a inward twinge! Accomplishments of Mr. Pongo.
Well, the cause of all my troubledness and shameyness and care
Is feeling' as I aren'tt bin aactin' werry fair; / .
I'm afeard as I'm the meanest and contemptiblest of chaps
For a takin' mean advantage of my enemies' mishaps.
For while the poor detectives (as have got into a fix)
Are quoddedly unable for to watch my little tricks,
I've up and bin a-makin' 'ay and playing' fast and loose,
A-robbin' and a-burglin' and maraudin' like the dooce!
And I feel, in candid speaking ,
That it's werry mean and sueakin',
And my mind is off its 'inge
And remorsefulness upon me all its wengeance is a-wreakin',
And I suffer from a inward twinge I
And, feeling sort o' making' reppyrationy inclined,
I've get a werry generous suggestion in my mind:
Suppose, while them detectives is a-getting through their case,
I goes and stops at Scotland Yard and kindly takes their place!
I understands detective work, I fancy, when there's need .
As well as any officer as England ever seed. Astonishment of Mr. Pongo at meeting some of his relations attbe Itoyal
And then-I've thought the matter out and werry plainly see Aquarium.
As how some such a place o' trust is jest the place for me! T
There's a 'eap o' consolation R L
In this wise determination
To a mind wot's off its 'inge; FE D _AT
For I feel I'm in a kind o' way a-makin' reppyration,
And it easifies my inward twinge !

Kurr-fou I
Oun Own Poet came in just now and asked us if we mightinot call
the "tees" at Bow-street three "Kurr.led darlings of the nation."
Oar readers will be glad to learn that upon our threatening to Kurr-
tail his screw, he promised it should not oc-Kurr again. We trust our
readers will con-Kurr with our dEcision!

A LAnRGE mushroom has forced its way through twelve inches of
concrete and a layer of asphalt in the floor of the General Post-office.
The Vanguard difficulty is settled at last. Plant mushrooms under it, .
or have a mushroom Lord or two on the Admiralty Board. Mr. Pongo's dinner time.


[AUG. 29. 1877.

88 FUNo

ToH story of Sappho and Phaon I now will proceed to narrate to you,
A marvellous story you'll find it, 'tis one of the classical time;
I fancy you'll feel interested in what I'm about to relate to you
(Thts line please consider as missing, I can't bring it in with the
'At all events, Sappho, you know, was the daughter of old Scamand-
(A funny cognomen is that, though it's better than being anonymous).
Now Sappho, I've read, was an authoress, one who had gained notoriety
By writing some popular novels, evincing much talent and tact,
Though nowadays we might regard them unfitted for genteel society,
Because they were too highly flavoured-too broadly suggestive,
in fact.
What a pleasure to think we've improved since those ages of virtue's
The novels now written by ladies are models of goodness and purity!
Now Phaon, I wish you to note, was a well-to-do jolly young water-
(Observe, no connection with Dibdin, who knew someone else in
that line);
If you sought from the Nore to the Soapworks, you'd not find a
trimmer or tauter man
(Pray pardon the nautical phrases, they're rather a weakness of
At the time I am speaking of Phaon was youthful and full of agility,
Yet shortly ere Sappho behell him he was but a mass of senility.
It happened one morning when Venus, who then was residing at
Got Phaon to ferry her over, as well as his age would permit;
And he wouldn't accept her gratuity (now you the truth of the matter
But had it been anyone else he'd have wanted a threepenny bit.
And she was so pleased at his kindness (be sure, I am telling the truth
That she gave him some curious ointment, and said, That will give
you your youth again !"
But let us return to our narrative. Phaon, I say, was aquatical,
And Sappho beheld him one day as he rowed up to Teddington
"By jingo, I love him!" said she-(which expression, I'll own, was
(Excuse those additional syllables-really the measure's so queer).
"What marvellous biceps! said she; "'tis a figure a sculptor might
fix upon-
A jauntily juvenile party, whom Chronos has not tried his tricks
"I love him," said she, "and I'll wed him-that is, if the youth will
consent to it,
For him I'd e'en cast aside writing, and banish my paper and pen!"
So she found out our hero's address, and preparing her toilet, she went
to it-
(Not the toilet, but Phaen's address)-and exclaimed, Oh, most
noble of men!
I love thee, indeed, to distraction; be mine I As 'for wealth, I will
bring it, then- "
But Phaon made answer as follows, "All right, Missis Sappho; don't
sing it then."
"Don't scorn my affection," she uttered, or else to distraction thou'lt
carry me;
Behold me a suppliant here! "-([ believe I am right in the text)-
" My wealth and my love I'll bestow on thee if thou'lt be willing to
marry me!"
But, puffing away at his churchwarden," Phaon replied, Oh,
what next!
Don't talk of connubial bliss; I have found it a deuce of a bore, I have;
Don't fancy I'm quite such a 'mug'-not at all; I've been married
before, I have!"
" I'll go to the river," she moaned; "yes, at once I'll depart and I'll
dive in it.
Farewell to thee, flint-hearted person," our heroine said with a sigh.
"Don't jump in the water," he answered; "I fancy you wouldn't
survive in it;
Still, if you're determined on going-why, all I can say is Good-
bye !'"
She rapidly rushed to the river, and shivering stood on the brink of it,
And said in sad, heart-broken accents, Well, no, I'll go home and
I'll think of it."

I have but to add in conclusion that Sappho got over her foolishness,
And founded a certain society dealing in feminine rights;
And spouted at halls here and there upon Man, and his Manners and
Along with the Woman's Rights Members, the classical Fawcetts
and Brights.
While Phaon, they tell me, eschewing the blisses and joys of the
courting world,
Rowed several matches with boating-men, very well known in the
sporting world.

Donner and Noblitzen.
A LOCAL correspondent sending his diurnal shillingsworth to Lon-
don, concludes wiLh the usual bit of weather wisdom. It runs thus:
-" Deluging rain, accompanied by some thunder, fell in Ipswich this
morning.' And yet there is no mention of this wonderful eusus in
the records of the Meteorological Society! Still, the lines quoted con-
stitute a "thundering" good bit of description, and we only regret
that none of the fallen bits have as yet been brought to light.

WE just tumbled across the following advertisement: "Wanted
by a steady young man (speaking three different languages) a situation
as Tailor's Trimmer, filling up his time with sewing. Apply to Mr.
Saw-and-Sew, Chapel-street, Soho I" We should think this linguistic
young man could "cut out" all his rivals. For where would you
find a "trimmer" man? Can he speak the New-Cut dialect, we
wonder? If sew, how sew?
Experto Crede.
AN American paper thinks the latest thing out" is a young man
with a latchkey. How strange this seems in a country like England,
where nobody ever stops out after nine, and isn't above knocking the
house down if he happens to be kept down in the City on particular
business, and finds the Chubb" has become a "rotary during his
absence! _
new Humour.
A JoxK that was somewhat delayed in transmission," in re the
Right Hon. W. 1:. Smith, got itself delivered at our office the other
day in this fashion:-" Strange, ain't it, that the First Lord should be
the last Lord, after all F" And, with an interval of some hours for
reflection and refection, we subsequently replied, Alh! yes I quite so I
ha! ha!" and grinned horribly a ghastly grin.

Paz de China.
MRs. MUGGINWS, ever since she read about the Servian Skuptsohina,
has been boring Muggins to get her some specimens for her droring-
room. M. has asked her to wait till things are a bit quieter up there,
and then she shall not only have a complete Serviace, but a little black
boy-a regular Montenegro-to take care of it, and make himself
generally useful.
Apris moi ."
THE President of the United States -or he who is at present occupy-
ing the President's seat-has forbidden the sale of fire-arms to the
Indians. Perhaps he thinks that without fire-arms they have shown
themselves a sufficiently hot legacy, and one that cannot be too care-
fully passed on to his successor.

Multum in Parvo.
ON the Spa Rotunda at Scarborough appears the following notice:-
Lost, a purse containing money and a railway ticket, also an
umbrellaa" We presume the gingham in question was a paragon"
-of smallness; or the good people of Scarborough must be blessed
with most enviably long purses.

Not Meat.
Miss HELEN TAYLOR complains that men make eating too much of
a pleasure. Would the talented lady have us sit down in sackcloth to
our hashes, shed tears over steak and onions, and howl aloud, Brother
we must die at the sight of a calf's head P

TURKEY is absorbing such a quantity of English capital that the
pronunciation of its own capital ought to be altered. Constant-tin-
ople would be there or thereabouts.

Mors the Pity.
IT is the dead season just now in London. And yet the town is
full of nobodies.

Ave. 29, 1877.]


SCENE 1: England. Council of Charifa5We People.
FiasT C. P. Oh, here is ten thousand pound for- the poor
wounded Turkish soldiers. Itis all I have, but take it;
S&oois. 0. P Andi hrew are- blaaket which. I have: made my
children purbase with their ppokelmoney.
TaD UG. P. And, here is a. thousand% poundsollscted from poor
men and, women by their employerAs ad handed oe&- to me for the
suffemivg Ottomans. Please let it gp.aone.
CaO s And- here- is money' teni times the! amount subsoribedi in
ten years fioror fellow countrymen-;. pay-andit at once to buy nibe.
things for the-dwdlgRasBhi- asnoults
AGENT (smiJing). Ohk. ladjts., audi ga tu men,. rest to.-might upon
your pillows blessed wibh the thought that youwocompasssinate offer,
ings will gladden the.soulot many a wounded maibyr, aadeescue many;
a mother sadher babe-fom. the- agonies est stamvsoiba. I' will paole
my portmantea and: pueadi a one. to, oonstantinopi,.
$csuuk 2: bsnatwininopJ. Council of Tawks.
Aoeu,. Yes, a I expect we shall geta. lot morefor you thisaway.
Here ia,~ hndeed& thousand to go on with..
Firas PAsma. This is about the cheapest loan we've hadk
Sw.oND PAs5~. Rather. But you wouldn't think the English.
woulthb esuch foolasafter the way we've let therwin.
AeNIT. You don't know them. Why, over there, if a man goes
about without bhi hat and boots and says ha's been badly treated and.
got a wife and children, all more or less dying at home, he can pick up
a small fortune in no time. Now, that's how we've worked it.for you-
We've written up such harrowing accounts of your sufferings, the
money pours in.
THIRD PASHA. What does it amount-to now ?
AGENT (reading). Fifty thousand for the Relief of the Wounded:
in the War."
FIsST PASHA. By-the-bye, what do you think of our plan of cutting
all our wounded men up and saying the Russians did it?
AesNT. That would save giving them any of this money, and if
we get a correspondent or two to work up the details it would bring
some more in.
SsooND PASHA. Capital idea. Let's see, we can have a few thou-
sand out of it, I suppose, to replenish and redecorate our harems, and
the rest will enable us to buy arms and horses. If we get enough
money out of England we shall be able to massacre every Bulgarian
off the earth yet.
TauD PASHA. What's that noise in the courtyard?' (Enter an
old Biglih l'idy in a qreat hurry.)
OLD. LADY. Oh, if please, Mr. Turks, I'm quite out of breath, and
I've come all the way from London to say my feelings were so worked
upon I sent you five hundred pounds, and now I find my son's quite
ruined through the Turkish loan, and he's lost all my money too, and
I've only just found it out, and will you give me my money back,
please, for it will be all we shall have in the world to keep us out of
the workhouse ?
StueCD PASHA. What shall we do with this old fool ?
FIRsT PASHA. Chop her up and put it about that the Cossacks did
it and sent the pieces here, and the Turkish buried her decently and
cried over her grave.
AGENT. A capital idea. I'll get] it beautifully worked up for the
Press. f They murder the old lady.)
SBcOND PASHA. Now let us get a lot of correspondents together to
see us weep over her grave.
AGENT. Do, and in the meantime I'll return to England and work
you up another hundred thousand or so.
FIRST PASHA. You are a good fellow, and we won't forget your
commission when the war is over.
AGENT (aside). I dare say not. But I stop my commission as we
go on, please. Catch me trusting a Turk !

Better Arranged Abroad !
A pERsoN in Vienna has been sent to prison for three months for
advising a young actress to send a bank-note to Herr Loewe, the
critic of the Newe Freie Presse, with a view to obtaining favourable
notice. An action against this adviser was brought by the. critic for
the purpose of vindicating the honour of his profession, with the
result already given. Here, the only chance for an action would be
in the fact that the bank-note, though promised, had never been given
to the critic. This is evidently one other of the glaring defects of
international law!
Things Theatrical.
Guinea Gold, the new piece for the Princess's, sounds like a drama
of the right stamp. There is no doubt Mr. Byron is on his mettle.
The success of the Moon's tone, about to be produced at the Olympic,
will doubtless depend upon the brilliancy of the stars."


EBECCA was ashepherdess:
*\ her crook
Was used on blackest
sheep well, you
should try 'em.
Her shepherding was dono.
with-well, a hook.
And shexeceived-wsl,
I! half-a-crown a diem.,
She was in fact a lady ok
the boards-
Or rather "the" pro,.
Ad' if my story merri-
ment affords
You're welcome to. it.
all-or, rather, alI it.

Rebecca was an artlem
little fay
(Or, as some men prefer
the spelling, fairy),
She'd prattle through her
portion of a play
As shepherdess or some-
thing in a dairy.
And now and then she'd
come on in a farce,
And always have her
share of "fat" and

Attention to her merit wasn't sparse
From those whlo.went behind" and saw her after.
Rebecca was as ar~less, I have said,
As any simple maiden in a valley,
Her innocence a halo often shed
On other ladies-those who're in the ballet.
And as she stands there waiting at the wing.
To get the cue to rush on and be jolly,
She looks a pretty, playful little thing,
One knowing nought of wickedness orlfolly.
"Rebecca! thought a gentleman one night;
"She's just the sort of gal I'd like to spoon on!
How rounded is her-shoulder-and how white,
And see what pretty buckles are her soon' on."
For weeks he wandered round the back to see
Rebecca, and, devouring every feature,
He'd cry, She's all the world, has got for me!
The darling, unsophisticated creature!"
Like this he carried on, I think, for weeks;
She couldn't help but notice all his sighing,
And innocently said, He never speaks,
And yet the chap with love is almost dying."
Her innocence was such she couldn't bear
To see him stand about and always suffer;
Of sympathy she had a lot to spare,
So playfully she whispered, You're a duffer!"
He woke as from a trance at hearing this,
And pouring forth the floodgates of his feeling,
Soon told her she'd provided him with bliss,-
That o'er his heart true happiness was stealing.
Such innocence as hers you've never met,
A scoundrel he who said a. word to pain her,
His kindness she would never-ne'er-forget;
Of presents she was constantly the gainer.
His passion grew on passion's daily food,
He said, Rebecca, ain't it time to marry "
Her innocence was such ehe thought him rude,
And said, Oh, sir, I prithee let us tarry."
At last she said, I'll satisfy your hopes,"
A settlement" she took, for he would make her,-
This done Rebecca innocently slopes,
And goes at once and marries Brown the baker.

THE Promenade Concerts announce the overture to "Fatinsky."
Our music-hall critic says he should think Fat in the fire" was the
overture to that.


(AuG. 29, 1877.


"Will you tell the gentleman, miss, as we've took the casks in anl we wouldn't mind a drop o' beer."

"Well-Gimmy a bMack eye! I wants yer to I'd like one -Now then!"

" What I say is-Give me a pipe and a glans."

" I want to see one or two cravats."


FUNI.-AUGUST 29, 1877.

.' .. .,... r ._ \ '' \ .

-' : |\ i 1 1 (
.. ^ '- ,..
... .., .. ,.*.1^-,.,


AUG. 29, 1877.]

I HAVE a few of varied sort,-
And some are sad, some full of sport,
Some rife with lore that's antique.
Some lead me with a gentle hand
O'er mountain top, through many a land,
And 'cross the wild Atlantic.
If I am sad they bring me joy,
Their laughter leaves no cold alloy;
Each book is like a brother,-
Here, friends we sit, and chat, and sing,
And which the brightest thought shall bring
They vie with one another.
Some tell me tales so strange and wild,
I wonder like a little child,
If all is true they're telling.
But, true or false, I'll let it go,
For there they stand a goodly row,
With not one face repelling.
What matter though the Bank may smash,
And earthquake swallow all the cash,
And ruin round me flutter;
If these my friends are left me still,
I'll calmly totter down the hill
Of life, and never mutter
Grim discontent or heavy groan
That all the goody-goods are gone,
Which I had held as prizes;
Though rough the blow, and hard my lot,
Still happy in the friends I've got,-
These friends wear no disguises.

A WOULD-BR jokist sends us a notion." He says
that an island always does remind him of an ocean.
But that's not the joke. This is though:--" The proper
place for invalids: 'Ayling Island." Our own devil
thinks that Hail!-ing Island is, instead, just the situa-
tion for a raining sovereign. And our own Charto-
Radico-Reform Leaguer says, yes it would, a good deal
better than Balmoral, though of course not quite so
Scotch, and therefore shorn of much of its claim on
queenly consideration.


Bus Driver (to gent.) :-" WHAT DO I THINK OF THBSE 'ERE FBENOH

THE Coppers," as Messrs. "Archer and Co." humorously describe
them, had a grand day out at Alexandra Park on Wednesday. The
athletic sports were most manfully contested, and the way in which
inspectors forgot their dignity and superintendents remembered they
were but human after all, was a sight to see. There were close on a
dozen police bands which discoursed sweet music, and vigorous.
Many a strong man went in a corner and wept with joy as he
thought what a splendid thing it was to see the real defenders of our
hearths and homes enjoying themselves with their wives and children,
devoid of all the buckram of officialism, but whiling the happy hours
away just like so many common people. Long may Field-Marshal
Mott and his merry men flourish annually (and oftener if necessary)
on the slopes of Muswell. There were but two things wanting on
Wednesday to make the programme of athletics and the measure of
our joy complete. These were a Frog's March, to slow music, and a
Running-in Handicap, the latter of which might fairly have been con-
sidered a real "consolation race" to the gentlemen engaged.
Yolande, a Dream of Far Cathay, is the title of the last new thing at
the Alhambra. It is a ballet in four magnificent tableaux, arranged by
Mr. Alfred Thompson. Real water can hardly be considered a novelty
in a country blessed as ours is, but the art of the inventor has been
brought to bear on the cascades in Leicester-square to such good
purpose that one wonders it isn't prejudicial to the business at the
bars. The music, if not altogether novel, is admirably arranged, and
the twinkling of many feet must surely please the young gentlemen
of the Lord Chamberlain's Office who, we are told, use their general
theatrical passes and privileges so regularly. Altogether Yolande,
which combines at once all those splendours for which the Alhambra
has hitherto from time to time been noticeable, is a thing to see. And,
considering that London is now quite awfully empty, you know, so
are the nightly houses, which, if one didn't know it was impossible in
August, might be considered crowded.
On Saturday last the lessee of the Princess's moved the greater

part of his company into one of his numerous other establishments'
the Adelphi. As dresses and scenery, and the other paraphernalia of a
successful play had to be conveyed from one place to the other, and
as it was not considered right to obstruct the thoroughfares, it is
hardly necessary to say that every item was arranged for After Dark.
At the Penge Flower Show the other day, a Mr. Dace exhibited a
window-box, which was anything but "fishy." In fact, our reporter,
who is somewhat Hibernian, says it was a very .Dac-ent show,

I BEAD with regret in the news of the day
That detectives are all in our criminals' pay,
And the wages they get are so awfully high
It must cost a small fortune their silence to buy.
I've a robbery planned and I'm ready to start,
But I want to know first with how much I must part:
No longer the course of my scheme to retard
I will send for the Tariff of Fees to the Yard."

THAT must have been a tough specimen of humanity-a lady too-
who was the other day "knocked down by a main line engine on the
London and South Western line. The whole of the train passed over
her,"-and upon the porters and guards going to the place where this
happened, "the woman was found perfectly uninjured." It looks
very much as if this main line train was but a train of thought,"
with one penny per line as the inducement to do the thinking I

Axe and Deeds.
MR. GLADSTONE evidently believes in the old proverb concerning
deeds and words. Visitors to Hawarden find him as ready with his
axe as his speeches.


[AUG. 29, 1877.


WILLIAM WYNKYNs was sitting at.his doorway, comfortably enjoy-
ing a whiff, on the evening of August 10th, 1860. William was a
young married man, and being superior to the ordinary British work-
ing man, preferred to stay at home with his wife to spending all his
wages at the public-house. In fact, his fellow-workers used to say
"he was a blooming lump too respectable for a cove as works; he
ought to be a dook." On the evening in question, I repeat, he
was sitting in his doorway, when he suddenly became aware of the
presence of a man who looked upon him with a benign smile, as who
should say, Behold me I am your friend." Reader, this was the
terrible Book-Fiend, who has wrought ruin to thousands of well-
meaning people. You will see how effectually he entrapped Wynkyns:
Good evening," said the Fiend, smilingly. Good evening,"
replied William. "What can I do for you, sir ? "
Would you kindly allow me to show you our new edition of the
works of Shakespeare ?" said the Fiend. "I don't mind," said Will.
It consists of so many monthly parts, each part being beautifully
illustrated, forming a splendid volume when bound. Will you allow
me to have the pleasure of putting you down as a subscriber ?"
Well, really, it's very nice," said Will. "I'll see what my wife
So he called his wife out and asked her opinion.
Oh, how lovely," said she, in the fulness of her heart.
"Shall we take it in ?" said Will. "Yes, dear, if you like," she
answered meekly, as a wife should.
Zhakespeare is a party I've always had a fancy for," said Will.
The Fiend kept urging him on, and, to cut the matter short, suc-
ceeded in ensnaring this loving but inexperienced couple to sign a
book, and, chuckling diabolically, vanished.
August, 1877. What, another number of that dratted Shake-
speare !" said Mrs. Wynkyns. "It's shocking, now Wynkynsis slack
and the children want boots. How many more numbers are there V"
"I don't know, ma'am," said the bearer of the book, and fled.
Hang that Shakespeare 1 cried Wynkyns, as he came in fagged
out. I'm sick of it, I am. I think it nearly time it was completed.

You were a nice one, missus, to advise me to have anything to do with
it. You ought to have known better." "1 advise you r" shrieked his
wife. "You good for nothing brute. You did it all yourself, you
know you did."
The words got higher, till at last Wynkyns, in a state of frenzy,
rushed from the house, vowing he would never come back. He sought
the river to drown himself, but on second thoughts sat down in one
of the nooks on Waterloo-bridge, and fell asleep, and dreamt of the
Book-Fiend, and in his dreams he also saw sundry volumes of Shake-
speare dancing round about him and singing as follows:-
Let laureates go rave of brooks
And think they're mighty clever,
But 'tisn't only brooks, but books
That now run on for ever!
We have you in our power. The chain
You'll vainly try to sever,
We'll rack your heart, we'll tire your brain,
For we go on for ever 1"
The next day Wynkyns and his family fled, and were seen no more.
But that Book-Fiend is still going about, ensnaring subscribers; so
look out! ______'

No Business of Theirs!
THE Home Secretary sa) a he sees nothing in a petition, signed by
over two thousand people, praying that a man convicted of gross and
corrupt perjury shall be pardoned. Yet there must be something-
and something very noticeable, too-in the fact that so large a number
of people can be brought to regard perjury as a little humorous relaxa-
tion, and one for which the punishment of imprisonment is much too
heavy-provided always they are not themselves sufferers by the
perjurer's act.

A Short Race.
AN illiterate editor writes to a contributor that he may make his
short pars run a little father." The gentleman evidently wants to turn
his paper into a racing tra*k for undersized parents.

AuG. 29, 1877.] FU7N 95

THE smell of sweet forget-me-not is beautiful I own,
I like the rose and hollyhock when not too overgrown,
The fuchsia and verbena, too, are worth their hun and mould,
And gravel paths are useful things when nicely kept and rolled.
But when to get that gravel path, that hollyhock and rose,
You have to knock a graveyard down and dig up heads and toes
When monuments are smashed to bits-a thousand in a week-
If no one else will take it up, why lunatics must speak.
The Midland Railway, first of all, began the wretched work,
The way they flung the dead about had horrified a Turk.
The Tichbornes and the Constables, whom ancient fame exalts,
The Howards and the Arundells, were pick-axed in their vaults.
For navvies served them all alike, and chucked their bones aside,
Which children seized for handy toys and bore them far and wide.
Thus, while a noble's head became a ball in Camden Town,
In Islington his ribs were used as bones by Billy Brown.
And now the Vestry, not content to let the havoc be,
Must make the portion that is left a pleasure ground for me,-
For me and you and little boys to skip about and play,
And dance with sacrilegious feet above our fathers' clay.
Ho, hear the merry hammer sound, behold the gravestone fall!
Down, down with mouldy things like these, they're rubbish one and
We'll use the best for paving stones, so workmen lay them low,-
Who wants to read the names of folks who died so long ago ?
I know I'm not a handsome man in all my clothes and hat,
But then I am a lunatic and do not care for that;
Yet when I'm dead and in my grave I feel wouldd be a blow
To have my undecked skeleton tossed rudely to and fro.
For though my stone should only say, Here, reader, lies a fool !"
Why should my mem'ry be destroyed by clumsy workman's tool P
So, lay me when my race is run where builders can't molest,
Nor Midland Rails nor Vestry fads disturb a sleeper's rest.

Curious Procedure.
TH 8outh London Press contains a long account of the festival of
Dunn's Tailors' Labour Agency, which seems to have been a very
interesting affair indeed. There were coaches and bands, and skittles
and speeches, and dinner and toasts, to all of which it is hardly neces-
sary to say the fullest justice was Dunn. And so that no one should
suspect their want of good faith and feeling in this matter, the Tailors
actually took their own Church with them. Altogether, this festival
is the pleasant annual event alike of a good cause and Causeway.

THa Lord Chief Justice has been once more converted. He is now
an advocate of the Happy Dispatch, and publicly reproved a criminal
from the bench the other day because he hadn't availed himself of the
hari-kari. After all, though, perhaps the Lord Chief Justice's address
to Mr. Henson on the amount of pluck necessary to quit the world "
was only a roundabout and legal way of asking him if he understood
his sentence: Fellow, d'ye see ?

Quod Eratt Demonstrandum !
THE other day, at Sheffield, one Bingham, a carpenter, was charged
with murderously assaulting his step-daughter, Mary Eratt. He
repeatedly chopped her about with an axe, and then wanted to say it
was done axe-identally. Anyhow, they "quodded" Bingham, and he
thinks they ought to "quod Eratt."

Verily So.
Som0oNE recommends "truly Protestant parents" to lose no oppor-
tunity of making their children acquainted with the admirable publi-
cations of the Church, and thus prevent the rising generation from
acquiring a taste for the pernicious and degrading literature of the
masses. After this, "truly Protestant parents" will supply their
children with a Bock even in their very cradle."

Horsepital Practice.
THRna of the Stafford House Committee Doctors are stated to be
"working" like horses at the war. Perhaps this means they say
neigh tall the Russian wounded.

O SPAzN has issued a prohibitive tariff. The merchants who trade
with Spain are naturally tariffied.

A FARce.
CHAIRMAN (of Very Respeetable Artizans' Moderate Lodgings Com-
pany," at public meeting). Down with the slums and rookeries, gentle-
men, where the poor costermongers and respectable working men herd
together in misery. We will build them beautiful clean apartments,
where the sons of toil and their wives and families can live in comfort
and cleanliness.
AuDIENcE. Hear, hear. (The company is formed by benevolent gentle-
men who like a big percentage for money embarked in philanthropieal
WORKING MEN (in the slums). But what are we to do while the
places are building ?
COMPANY. Why, turn out. (Two thousand families are summarily
evicted. Misery and despair.-TABLEAU.)
A LAPss oF ONm YEaR.
WORKING MAN. Hullo, they have built a fine palace on the site of
my old diggings. It's worry nice, really. I shall have a room. (He
applies to HALL PORTER.)
HALL PORTER (looking him up and down). Well, what's for you,
my good man ?
WORKING MAN. I'm one of the coves what was turned out while
this here place was building for us. I wants a room here.
HAra PORTER (snifting the air). We don't let rooms here. You
can have a suite, if you like, but I think it'll be above your bigger.
WORKING MAo'. A sweet, what's that ?
HALL PORTER. Why, a droring-room, a dinin'-room, bed-room,
and pitching, ong suite.
WORKING MAN. How much ?
HALL PORTER. Well, that's two guineas a week, that's the-but-
but-if you're only a hartizan we've got some werry nice chambers,
sittin'-room and two bed-rooms at fifteen shillings; but you must con-
form to the regulations.
WORKING MAN. What's the regulations ?
HALL PORTER. No clay pipes out o' winder. Have your beer in
by the barrel. Change your working' clothes afore you come home.
Have all your letters addressed Hesquire, and not to have no visitors
what ain t approved by the 'All Porter-which is me.
WORKING MAN. And that's fifteen shillings a week ?
WORKING MAN. Well, then, look here, guv'nor, these here places
wus supposed to be built to perwide the working' classes with comfort-
able homes and to keep 'em out o' the publics. You just tell your
directors, when you sees 'em again, to call these here cribs "Cheap
Chambers for the Hairistocracy," cus that's what they are. On'y they
might a-let the public know what they wus up to when they turned
us into the street a year ago.
HALL PORTER. Shut up, my man, and hook it; there's one o' the
first storey lodgers' broughams a-drivin' up, and we don't want no
working' men a-kickin' up rows here. Hook it!

LADIes are nervous of sudden illnesses, but they all like a good fit.
The Turkish army have come to a pretty pass. It is called the
Shipka, and they took it.
One of the Registrars of the Bankruptcy Court is to be sent out to
India early next year for the benefit of the Indian Famine Districts.
Spring Rice.
The destruction of Rustchuk is to be poetically celebrated by a
Bomb bard,
So High, yet Solo.
ON the Duke of Edinburgh's birthday there were lots of high jinks
aboard the Sultan, which is commanded by that gallant and royal tar.
The united bands of the fleet gave a concert, and to wind up the Duke
played a solo on the violin. Nero fiddled while Rome was burning, and
the Duke of Edinburgh has no feeling for his father-in-law's reverses.
Of course, it is only natural that a Royal Duke whose title is taken
from Auld Reekie herself would decline to play upon anything other
than a real Gaelic violin.

The Veiled Prophet.
LowB and Ruskin are writing letters to and at each other. Lowe
complains that he can't understand the critical John. We always
suspected the ex-Chancellor of 'quiet humour, but we can't seethe
joke of complaining that Ruskin writes nonsense. It's his stock-in-
trade. As well bully a baker for making bread.

Ass it appears.
.THM Times reports the peculiarities of a very large donkey. This
should have been inserted under the head of Ass-size Intelligence."

96 FUIN. rAno. 29, 1877.

ELDEST FIRST "-a rule untrue!
But I fancy it would do
Jst the ages should be reverst,
I Jest th- NO a I instead,
For the youngest are the first
Sent to bed !
Ev'ry rule exception clogs-
Maxim taught by pedagogues
in each school.
This one has, upon my word,
__-__-_,More exceptions-'tis absurd I--
_4 Tean the rule.
Careful Age, so grave and wise,
Follows jocund Youth, the t flies
Like a Dream!
Iat if Youth could follow Age,
How insufferably sage
It would seem!
Age will follow to show Youth
How Life's Visions and its Truth
And Age wishes-but in vain !-
It could call Youth back again
Fancy free!
Youth may run at hare-brained pace,
Thinking Time will give the race
To the fast !
Age, by plodding on secure,
Like the Tortoise, slow and sure,
Wins at last I
But grim Death the Old will pass,
Leaving ripened hay for grass
-1 In its bloom,
And-perhaps it may be best---
Takes the youngest to the zest
Of the tomb !
ALL THE DIFFERENCE. From our Share Ami.
TnH Righi railway is supposed to be the biggest
Sir James:--" PAPER NOT COKE, JOHN! HOW'S THAT P-How'S THAT thing of its kind in Europe, but our friend Bullbear is of
IN THESRB STIRRING TIMES WE SHOULD HAVE Times BETIMBES, JOHN." opinion that, even in England, we have lines that are a
John:-" Yns, Sia; OR WE MIGHT HAVE IT BY TELEGRAPH,' sIR." great deal Righier. (Name! name !)

BEN-EFICIAL I Quite too Modern.
A soN of the Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone goes to Keble college
The great clock at the Houses of Parliament will be stopped for repairs for shortly as Lecturer in Modern History. It would be interesting to
about three weeks."-APres. know how he is likely to treat some modern episodes of history, such
Ou, clock, who art a boon to men, as the trimming of the .Dusteart; the great London factory for the
O, clatethou hast had mab fits production of reprisals from abroad; the misuse of the word
f later thou hast had r ani fitg; Sympathy; the extinguishment of Chaplin; the naval supremacy of
We trust that thy repairs, Big Ben, Smith; the axe-idental demonstration at Hawarden; the unspeak-
Will prove to be Big Ben-efits! ability of some newspaper people; and various other subjects which
just now seem to be, if they are not, the very essence of Modern
Whatkins in a Name P History.
IT is rumoured by those who evidently know nothing about it, that
the wretched doggrell known as Weo, .Emm is to be followed by a A Mystery.
similar effusion entitled Emma Mine dedicated to those who got that A PAPER says of a reverend gentleman going abroad for his
young lady in a line. Copies may be obtained of those "somethings holiday that "he has accepted a temporary chaplaincy in the
in the City" who are so notoriously fond of a bit of Capel Courting. Mediterranean." To say the least of it this seems a most peculiar
way of keeping "one's head above water."
British Bulgarians.
A wonXNmo man sends 2s. 6d. to the Turkish Compassionate Fund, Death in the Pot.
and suggests boxes should be put in public-houses for Anglo-Turks A YOUNG agricultural gentleman has committed suicide because his
to contribute. No doubt this gentleman has hit upon the only place tea was not to his liking. "He was under the influence of drink,"
where working men who are Anglo-Turks are likely to be found, adds the reporter. We fancied it was the D Tea that did it.


olda b all Stationers, In d.. so and Gross Baoxes. Send 7 statu, for an PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING
e Wholesale London Asents-N. J.POWKLe &Co.., .101, Whechapel.E. CAUTION.Ps Comoe thkne Pu b she s the odds/ea otrle/e e tre,_ onAust9,8
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietrrs) at 13 Fleet Street, E C,-London, August 29, 1877.

SEPT. 5, 1877.]) F U N 97

-PPopular PT ove'b.
Miss Jenny B- was born for me,
And I was born for Jenny;
For any other Miss I see
I hardly care a penny.
Two turtle-doves you never saw
So fond of one another,
And yet my rapture hath a flaw-
My Jenny hath a brother!
A child of eight-or under that;
Of manners inoffensive.
You rarely find so young a brat
With knowledge so a extensive.
For him two syllables are nought
He laughs at long-division:-
He says his lessons, as he ought,
With laudable precision.
Due reverence for me he shows;
He greets me as a Mister"
The clever boy !--I know he knows
I love his pretty sister.
It may be chance-and yet I see
That more than chance is in it ;-
He never leaves Miss B- and me
Together for a minute.
I cannot heave the tender sigh
With any satisfaction,
While such an incubus is by s h
To mark my ev ry action.
I cannot bend the supple knee,
And pop the tender question;
The very thought sf Number Three
Forbids the soft suggestion.
We never meet-we never talk-
But those two eyes espy us.
We never strive to steal a walk
But Number Three is nigh us.
In such a sad and sorry plight
Perhaps it would be better
To plead my suit in black and white, A MAN AND A BR OTHE R.
And register the letter. s VuLt, SHAM, VERE HAVE YOl BEEN
housemaid in the execution of her duty. AN' LOOKED IN THE GLASS-AN' SHAVED YER MONEY."

BUM CUSTOMERS. Only Half Doing It.
THE gentleman who cut his hair off with a shilling has shaved him- A DOMESTIC servant of Maidstone, named Harriet Smith, has just
self with a threepenny bit objected to by the Society for the Pre- been presented with a testimonial by the house-painters of the district
vention of Cruelty to Horses. for her courage in dragging one of their body through a window and
The young lady who fell over head and ears in love was immediately thereby rescuing him from almost certain death. His ladder had
picked out by a lucky gentleman, who got her to the Bank at once, fallen, and he was left clinging to the roof of a house. It is rather to
where, having ascertained that she had a good balance and was not be lamented that the testimonial took the shape of a silver watch, and
likely to lose it in a hurry, he bid her au rsevoir. not the first essential towards a silver wedding- a husband. Perhaps
h o o flew in a passion over his dinner has walked into he is yet to come, but anyhow this wouldn't have been a bad oppor-
The old boy who flew in a passion over his dinner has walked into tunity for the subscribing body to have shown how well they could
his cook's affections. "let go the painter." It would have been but a proper returnfor her
Facet-i8e. not having done so.
TEE wearers of glittering carbon would seem to have a rough time A Run Down" the River.
on the Metropolitan, which is scarcely compensated by the polished ANOTHER steam launch accident has taken place on the Thames
courtesy of the officials. A police case at Hammersmith has elicited near Windsor. A man should always be prepared for his end, but it
that fourteen diamonds have been lost on the line within a month. In neaskindsor an the aler to mrepared them exd, t be
carriages at South Kensington than to perform I similar operation on pleasure.
adamantine dirt in South Africa. But his washup should have men- pasure.
tioned this. Political.
Argumentum ad Hominem. OUR good friend the Daily News, in'an eloquent leader, remarks
that "naturally Mr. Forster was present at the opening of the Brad-
cost the United States no less than twenty million dollars. A conflict for liberal Clu tight ave been ade "and the moreu
between capital and labour is ever a sorry affair, but in America these party."
things seem to be as disastrous as they are dollarous. party.
Metallic Transmutation. THE Chancellor of the Exchequer is confident that "if the navy of
A GENTLEMAN named Tinney, a bass singer, has been appointed England were called upon to do its duty it would do as in the days of
vicar-choral of St. Paul's Cathedral. This is encouraging, as hitherto Nelson." Quite so, but by the time the navy had been called upon,
bass singers have been distinguished not so much for their Tinney as put in repair, burst its boilers, sunk, rammed each other down, and
their brazen throats. turned topsy-turvy, where would the enemy be?



[SrPT. 5, 1877.

THEY came to me, a merry troop of aged men and dames,
And bade me brighten up a bit and watch their little games.
I had my big umbrella up and stood beneath a tree,
And so I said, "It's much too wet to lark about and spree."
The skies above were black as ink, the rain was pouring down,
And boats would be the only means to reach the distant town.
'Twas in the height of summer time, in fact, an August day,
Yet I was damp and had no heart to slush about and play.
So,,when they saw that I was sad, those aged people went
And brought me out a mackintosh, goloshes, and a tent,
And sat them down on stools and things and told me little tales
Of.how in August years ago there were no awful gales;
Of how the summer days were warm and folks could play about,
And. never dread the hurricane, the storm, and waterspout;
How people romped in new-mown hay and had no end of fun,
And.no one's eyes expressed surprise to see a noonday sun.
And.when they. saw-the wonderment expressed upon my face,
They told me how the country once was quite a lovely place;
Where one could sit upon the grass and gather wholesome fruits,
And walk about the verdant fields in patent leather boots.
How people then who went away a fortnight out of town
Came back with freckles on the nose and faces ruddy brown,
And how the summer sun shone out through all the summer time,
And rain and cold were looked upon as strangers to the clime.
I stood it for a little while, and then I rose and said :
"I wonder if the devil put this nonsense in your head F
I know I am a lunatic, but hang it all, I say,
You story-telling aged.folks, pack up and go away!
In summer we expect the gale, the tempest, and the storm,
And only fools would dare to say it once was fine and warm.
Be off before yon summer cloud that blackens all the skies
In indignation drenches you foratelling-me uech lies!"


OuR RBsrA AxNT. Enter a Customer.
THE CusTomER. "Waiter, bring me so-and-so and wotsaname and
a thingummyjig to follow, and the paper."
Waiter places the articles ordered, arranges pepper, mustard, salt,
and vinegar around customer, and hands the paper. Then enter
Customer No. 2, who takes a seat close to the elbow of Customer No. 1.
He orders his particular dish, and receives it, and the waiter departs
to the other end of the room, some dozen yards off. But Customer
No. 2 does not commence to eat; he waits. He is waiting for the
condiments. The condiments are precisely nine and a half inches
from his hand, but they were brought for Customer No. 1, and may
therefore be said to be in his possession. Now Customer No. 1 cannot
presume to offer the condiments to Customer No. 2, as an English-
man's great first principle of delicacy is to mind his own business; and
Customer No. 2 could never dream of possessing himself of the desired,
but sacred, articles. Consequently it becomes necessary for Customer
No. 2 to call the waiter from the other end of the room (some dozen
yards off) to hand him the pepper, the mustard, the salt, and the
vinegar. Then enters Customer No. 3, and takes his place close to the
other elbow of Customer No. 1. Now Customer No. 3 wants the
paper, and Customer No. 1 has done with and put it aside one inch
from the hand of Customer No. 3. But the paper (like the pepper,
the mustard, the salt, and the vinegar) was originally placed before
Customer No. 1, and the same rules of delicacy apply as in the former

case. Consequently the waiter has to be recalled from the further end
of the room (some dozen yards off) to devote, by a touch, the paper to
the usage of the new customer.
Perchance-who indeed can say ?-there may be some mystic spell
cast over an article by the fingers of the waiter, consecrating that
article to the usages of one certain customer; and it may even chance
that there is some feaiful doom which shall attend any other rash
customer who shall dare to touch the article before the spell be
removed and re-cast in his behalf ?
'But this is hidden *
Then Customer No. 2 looks down the bill of fare, and orders a
certain thing; Customer No. 3 hears him and takes a fancy to have a
portion of the same; but it would be a fearful breach of English
delicacy to say, Bring me some too! for this would be to signify his
*knowledge of the existence of Customer No. 2-which would indeed be
unpardonable! So Customer No. 3 calls for the bill of fare, looks
down it for himself, chooses the same thing for himself, and orders it,
as if no Customer No. 2 had ever ordered such a thing during the
existence of this earth. And so things go on.


Enter a person who evidently know nothing about things. Be seats
himself and aska the waiter for a comic paper. He is supplied; and
settles himself to read with a dawning smile of glad expectation on his
features. He reads the comic paper through, and the smile fades-
away; however, he calls for another comic paper and reads that
through, but his features cloud into solemnity; he devours a thid,
but his face becomes sorrowful; he reads a fourth, a fifth, a sixth, but
he bursts into tears.
Then he says: 0, waiter! I Eat to read that I might laugh and
drive away care; therefore I asked for the comic papers.
Yet I am not easily made to laugh; and see, I have not yet
laughed! Then the waiter opens his eyes wide, and in silence
fetches a daily newspaper containing the parliamentary reports full of
Biggar and of Parnell and the absurd helplessness of the House of
Legislation. And the Person reads, and his face broadens into a glad
smile and he bursts into a howl, and he shrieks and holds his sides until
he is very very ill and prostrate.

A Fair Query.
A VIOLENT young man in our printing Cffice wants to know when he
is to have his share of the Compassionate Fund. It is agreed that
there is not a more passionate comp to be found anywhere.
But did they not take in Fan at this Restaurant

S rr. 5, 1877.] F UJ N 99

The Royal Parks and Gardens of London (Journal of Horticulture
Office) is a work at once useful and ornamental. It is by Mr. Nathan
Cole, of Kensington Gardens, and is as full of information as the most
ardent statist could desire for a volume of this kind. Mr. Nathan Cole
is a little too much inclined to regard- Royalty as an institution which
confers a benefit upon Providence by its very existence; but as Royalty
has been werry good to 'im," mayhap he is justified in his views.
The illustrations are numerous.
Character Indicated by Handwriting, (Bazaar Office) introduces an
ancient theory in an ingenious if not particularly novel way. To
those interested in autographs the book will, for the selection it gives
of these alone, be useful. If this chiromantic notion were worked out
logically, the smallest minded man would be he who wrote the smallest
hand, while wisdom and round-text would ever be found together.
The absence of all logic is, however, an essential to the well-being of
the argument."
America and the Americans (Reeves) is a funny little brochure pur-
porting to be the experiences of Offenbach in the States. Perhaps the
biggest compliment that can be paid the writer is the admission that
there is a freshness in the treatment hardly to have been expected-
about so well-worn a subject, especially just now when everybody who
strays a hundred miles or so from home considers it incumbent on
himself to enlighten the world on all it knew so well before.
Cosmo's Violets (Charing-cross Publishing Company) is a novel
neatly bound in one volume. The additional fact that the volume is
small is also an additional recommendation.
The Hotels of Europe (Herbert) is another of the elaborate volumes
for which this house is rapidly making a name. Besides being the
sort of book without which no gentleman's library is complete," it is
admirably adapted for the table. The maps and routes are noticeable
features of the work.
Though we do not agree with Mr. Joseph Sidney Tomkins, Citizen
and Loriner, in many of the sentiments expressed in his Occasional
Lectures (Charing-cross Publishing Company), we are free to admit
that he appears guided by a conscientiousness which might be well
followed in more pretentious quarters. Mr. Tomkins suffers from a
plethora of words; perhaps that is his chief claim upon some
From the same firm we receive the Morning, Koonday, and Eventide
of Life, a volume of poems and reflections on various scripture texts,
divided into the three sections named. It is rather unfortunate that
with regard to subjects like this there should be so many worthy folk
anxious to rush into print whose undoubtedly good intentions are the
sole recommendation they possess to readers. The book before us is no
exception to the rule of respectable mediocrity and decorous dulness
nowadays apparently inseparable from such productions.
The Tatler, a weekly which would be of the new sort except that it
is slightly more respectable and a good deal cleverer, has started an
additional inducement to purchasers in the shape of a serial story
entitled A Year's Letters." Rumour, which ascribes the authorship
of this to "that sweetest of modern singers," A. C. S., is for once
right-as we A. C. S.'d him, and he blushingly pleaded guilty.
It would be rather late in the year now to say a word for Whitaker's
Almanack, were it not that every separate issue of it is more a work of
reference for all time than a mere calendar for the twelvemonth in
which it is produced.
Among the many beautiful reproductions which are to be credited
to our able Parisian contemporary, L'Art (London: 135, New Bond
Street), one of the best is an etching of Burne-Jones's Beguiling of
Merlin," exhibited during the past season in the Grosvenor Gallery.
Philippe Rousseau's "0, Ma Tendre Musette," is another special plate
in the same number.
Brother Billy and ae (Warne) are specimens of American humour
of the Helen's Babies Series." They should be widely read, as, to
our somewhat vague comprehension of such matters, they seem at
least as good as their extraordinarily popular original.
The Atlantic Monthly contains another instalment of Mr. T. B.
Aldrich's Queen of Sheba," which is as far in advance of ordinary
English magazine stories as the A. MA. itself is in advance of ordinary
English magazines.

Timely Precaution.
A GENTLsMAw has recently died, it is said, from hydrophobia caused
by the bite of a dog three years ago. As the marvels of this disease
are developing daily, it would be well for nervous people to inquire if
their great grandfather was ever barked at by a dog, and if they find
he was, they should at once have themselves cauterized all over.

"Force" of Example.
THE Southwark magistrate has given a lad a month for gambling
" with coppers." Our office-boy wants to know why the coppers"
are to go scot free! '


LISTEN to me, my brothers,
Ye who have wealth to spare,-
Healing the wounds of others,
Matters it when or where P
Yes, for the cause is dearest
Of those who are kith and kin,
With the weak who in blood are nearest
Let the generous heart begin.
And how can a deed give pleasure
Which aids an unholy work ?
Pause e'er you send your treasure
Out to the alien Turk.
Down in our English alleys
Horrors are just as rife
As in far-away Eastern valleys
Which lie in the fields of strife.
Women and babes are lying
Beaten and bruised and cut,
Haggard and starved and dying,
In many an English hut.
In horrible rags men huddle
By spots where the mudlaik rakes,
And drink from as foul a puddle
As any that slaughter makes;
While the tale of their shame and sorrow
Is a ghastlier one by far
Than any you'll hear to-morrow
From the fiends who fight the Czar.
It is true that their names are vulgar,
Uncommonly like our own,
But they never oppressed the Bulgar
Or floated a swindle loan.
Shall we turn from our fellows' anguish
And scatter our gold abroad,
On the wretches in lust who languish,
Whose rule is a filthy fraud ?
There are thousands of starving wretches
Who lie at your very door;
Will you spurn the hand which stretches
For a mite from your golden store ?
Oh, shame on the dastard fashion
Of scorning such claims as these,
And exporting our whole Compassion "
To a Porte beyond the seas.

Absit Omen.
THE Alexandra Park people ask the public to keep their eyes open
for a coming novelty. This is the great Nubian caravan. Rather a
black look-out this, we should think.



[ISPT. 5, 1877.




"A North Country Compliment."
DURING some wedding festivities at Nuttall, in Nottingham, one of
the guests was so fearfully kicked and beaten that he died shortly
afterwards. And yet there are people-and great people, too-who
say that the lower orders of the English, particularly as one travels
northward, are in no way remarkable for their hospitality." We
don't ourselves know any instance, east, west, south, or midland, or
even in the highest of high Belgravian Society, where a guest has been
treated with more hospitality, i.e., to a more complete "bellyful," than
this one was.

A Metre of Justice.
THE AthirauMn, in the course of a critical review of Sir Philip
Sidney's works, mentions that he has employed several of Mr. Swin-
burne's metres with success. It would be as well if Mr. Swinburne
would have his peculiarly private and personal metres registered under
the Trade Marins Act, and then these wretched plagiarists who
have been dead for centuries could be legally proceeded against for
encroaching upon Mr. Swinburne's preserves. The way our modern
Apollo has been imitated by the versifiers of the last three centuries is
simply abominable.

Bonneting up.
MR. WALTER GooCH's season at the Princess's will include a novelty
more novel than a good many new plays. Ladies are to be allowed to
retain their bonnets in the dress circle. We think it an admirable
notion, and one only likely to have exception taken to it by the cloak-
hat-and-operaglass harpies; but that incorrigible Punnyman will
throw cold water on a good endeavour. He says, Why in the dress.
circle, when the new lessee has so long put this plan forward as one
of his most popular stalls' ?"

Not a Bad Title.
AN unfortunate pauper (outdoor classification) dropped down dead
the other day from sheer starvation. The coroner's jury, following
the precedent so often set by similar bodies, preferred to call it some-
thing else "for the sake of appearances," forgetting that by so doing
they stultified their own existence, and returned a verdict of Died
from a fit." "Yes," said a gentleman present, whose sympathy was
possibly in excess of his scholarship; "a Nihil fit, and that's the long
and short of it."

THE carriage which takes the implicated detectives backwards and
Oh, Tonnerre I! forwards to bow-street three times a week is not so much a van as a
COuNT STANISLAS DE CLErMONT TONNEBRE has been forbidden to Kurricle. They may also reckon themselves to have been fairly
enter any horse for certain races, because he had a horse "pulled" at "timed" by Benson. And they are not in the same Street as they
Deauville. Such a thundering swindle could not be allowed to pass were before they were taken from the Yard. While Olarke's orders
on the turf, if it is to be kept (t) onnerreable in any degree at all. (according to the evidence) seem to have bean anything but holy.




a b 0 0





I-* yV

IFUN. 103

The Capital. With Both Armies, Aug. 27, 1877.
FFAIRS have now
reached a pass when
it becomes a civilized
Shower like England to
Sinterfere. The awful
atrocities which I have
to-day seen committed are
so disgusting that nothing
but the knowledge that
these things graphically
described increase your
circulation would induce
1 ma me to put them to paper.
The whole system of the
district whence I now
write needs immediate
reform. I will enumerate
a few of the atrocities
a which have come to my
S l knowledge this last few
days, and then, Sir, I
hope, in a vigorous leader,
you will call upon John
Bull to give public ex-
pression to his disgust and
to put his foot down.
In the first place let me
state that the sanitary
arrangements of this
place are purposely neglected. The cisterns are full of worms and
decaying matter, the water supplied by the companies is replete with
moving organisms, and even in the house of the Prince himself his
eldest son has had an attack of fever caused through the horribly
defective drainage. While foul .diseases are rampant through crass
ignorance and wilful neglect, partially recovered people are being
carried about in cabs and railway trains, which they infect, to seaside
and country lodgings, where they leave the disease for those who come
after them to catch and to die of. This is monstrous; but what can
you expect among a semi-civilised race of barbarians? Equally dis-
gusting too to the English traveller is the disgraceful state of the
thoroughfares. There is hardly a street in the place that is not up."
Huge cauldrons of seething pitch vomit smoke and smut in heavy
volumes all day long, blinding dust cuts into the eyes, and the pedes-
trian comes on his nose about four times in the hour over a plank, a
heap of stones, or a pickaxe end up. But the disgusting state of the
locality is as nothing compared with the atrocities committed in its
midst. Out of places, called here Ginp Alaces, a seething crowd of
ruffians, male and female, pour from day to day. Huge weapons made
of glass and pewter are freely used in civil warfare. Eyes are gouged
out, skulls smashed, ribs kicked in, and limbs broken over the most
trifling disputes. Justice, too, is here one-sided; in half the cases of
assault the magistrate thinks more of delivering a short speech which
will look well in print than of doing his real duty.
But the principal thing which strikes an English correspondent is
the infamous league which exists between the malefactors and those
who are supposed to hunt them down and deliver them to justice. A
more corrupt and abominable system it is impossible to imagine. The
police of the place are in league with the robbers and share the
plunder. It is difficult for an Englishman to imagine such a state of
affairs, but I assure you that it really prevails in this barbarous
As I write I hear of awful atrocities committed by these wretches,
old women kicked to death, old men with the eyes forced out and thea
sockets filled with quicklime, women and children subjected to the
most fearful outrages and afterwards murdered, infants slaughtered
and starved to death in establishments regularly kept up for that pur-
pose, poisoned bread and meat flung about the streets, poisoned food
and drink sold in the shops, peaceable travellers stopped on their road
home by highwaymen and robbed, and every vice and crime that law-
lessness and barbarity can suggest freely indulged in. The time has
certainly come when such an abominable state of things should be put
down with a strong hand, and I trust England will act in concert
with the other powers, drive these unspeakables from Europe, and
hand their country over to a more civilised race.
I have a fresh batch of atrocities just arrived, but mail this for your
second edition.
WHY is the Marquis of Lorne's translation of the Psalms like the
Conservative attack on Mr. Gladstone and Greece ?-Because it has
been made without rhyme or reason.

THEsu' is a man I much admire
(Whose ways I've been observing lately);
It is the goal of my desire
To know this person intimately.
Imagination cannot span
The longing that my breast expands with
Whene'er I ponder, What a man
To have the joy of shaking hands with "'
We men are but a fickle set;
But this one, with a deep devotion
In human beings seldom met,
Adheres to one absorbing notion. .
This notion grandly stands its ground;
You'll move it not with reason-try it!
All other notions wheel around
This centre, and are governed by it.
This central force is politics,
A theme he understands as clearly
As any likely child of six
That ever lived-or very-nearly;
This theme's a condiment. It's use
To flavour ev'ry other topic,
Without an atom of excuse
However slight and microscopic.
To make him qualified to sniff
And sip a wine and criticise it,
Some person must inform him if
A Tory or a Whig supplies it.
Before he knows a tender chop
From one that gives him indigestion,
It's indispensable to stop
And ask that all-important question.
Let all who have a joke on hand,
And feel a wish to set him laughing,
First make him clearly understand
It's not his party one is chaffing.
The man's perception of the jest
Will be extremely keen and hearty,
Provided that his mind's at rest
About its chaffing t'other party.
There truly doesn't seem to be
One single thing in all creation-
From painting to the rule of three,
From robbery to vaccination;
From roller-skating and the rink
To pottery and picture cleaning-
To which he won't contrive to link
Some most decided party meaning.
I'm certain when he has to pass
An hour amid the fields-and clover,
He tries to get the blades of grass
To talk the Eastern Question over;
And if he seeks the river's brink
Where willows by the breeze are shaken,
He asks them if they do not think
The other side are much mistaken.
It is a sight to profit by
To see him, with his mental taper
Exhaling party spirit, try
To understand a comic paper !
It is a sight to raise a laugh
To see him seek, in his confusion,
In ev'ry social paragraph
For some political allusion.
It never, even faintly, broke
Upon the man's imagination
That anyone could make a joke
That doesn't bear on legislation;
No kind of fun he ever heeds-
This grandly single-thoughted buffer-
Which doesn't call whoever leads
The other side a "pig or dufer."
I'd stake a fortune on the spot
(With confidence of proving winner)
That party prejudice is what
He has for breakfast, tea, and dinner.
My one long cherished aim and end
Is this-to know him, and elect him
As my especial bosom friend ;-
I feel that I could so respect him!

SBPT. 5, 1877.]

104 FUNO [SEPT. 5, 1877.


(No customers inside ) "Pray-oh pray I-step in and take some
refreshment, your Grace I I implore I"

(One customer inside.) Will your honour condescend to step
within and dine ?"

(Three customers inside.) Dinner, sir! yessir! walk in, please.'

(Crowded.) "What? Want to d'ne! Well, of all the impiddence I ever-- You be off or I'll give yer in charge-d'year ?"

SEPT. 5, 1877.] FU N 105


copyist, that's who
I try to exist by my
I look upon life as a
ijlII ij regular sham,
With a dash of the
real now and then.
I copy out plays, and
I'm really afraid
That my writing's not
always exact.
I i But how can you wonder
when all that I'm

ih lli' Is a paltry three shil-
lings an act ?
I hang round the theatres day after day,
And strive to be netting a job,
Just something to write, in the form cf
a play,
That might bring me in nine or ten

With instructions to keep them intact,
At which I've to work till the coming of
For a mouldy three shillings an act!
I'm often requested to copy out parts,"
A job which I'd gladly refuse,
It's never straightforward, but all fits and starts,
With endless repeating of cues."
I've frequently sat up the whole of the night-
I assure you, my friends, 'tie a fact-
And what do I get, after spoiling my sight ?-
Why, only three shillings an act!
If authors would write just a little bit plain,
'Twould save me a deal of distress;
I try to decipher again and again
The words in some writer's MS.
They never consider the scribbler-not they,
Nor care how his senses are rackt,
They double his work, but don't double his pay-
He only gets three bob an act!
How often I've waited on bleak winter nights
In the den that is known as the "hall,"
Or stood by the wing, near the glare of the lights,
And longed for the curtain to fall,
To see the stage-manager- (he is the one
Whose notice I have to attract)-
Who's often remarked, Here's a farce to be done!"
One act!-at three shillings an act!
Ah, you who sit calmly beholding the play,
And watch it right on to the close-
Who weep when it's tragic and laugh when it's gay-
Little think of the copyist's woes.
It never strikes you, as the piece you behold,
Evincing much talent and tact,
That somebody's shivering out in the cold
Who copies for three "bob" an act!

Material Evidence,
AMpEICAN journals state that Washington's body has become petri-
fied in the sarcophagus at Mount Vernon, in Pennsylvania. The
biographer who met with much opprobrium from enthusiasts for stat-
ing that the General was of a cold and stony nature, might now con-
sider himself avenged. But what is the good of being avenged,
especially after you have been forgotten ?

In Opposition.
THE Shipka Pass is said to be defended chiefly by small redoubts.
Perhaps this accounts'for the more than usually redoubtful informa.
tion as to the battle recently raging there. Juggins says that's nothing
whatever to do with it; intelligence from the seat of war, when it
really comes from there, is bound to be of a conflicting character.

FIRST ToRY. Heard about Gladstone F They've got him this time.
SECOND TORY. Oh P What's he been doing? ...
FIRST TonY. Only engaging a regiment of Greeks to assassinate
the Sultan of Turkey.
THIRD TonR. Oh, I heard he'd been found concealed under the
King of Greece's bed with a dagger and a bowl of poison.
SECOND TORY. Lor! But, of course, he denies it.
FIrST Tony. He denies everything; but at the club they say he's
really mixed up with these turf frauds, and that Contractor really
means Gladstone, only Benson won't say so, because Gladstone pro-
mised to make him Chancellor of the Exchequer when he gets into
power again.
SECOND TORY. Ah, I'd believe anything about that man Glad-
stone. Shall we write to the Globe about it ?
THIRD TORY. No; they've got a fine leader already, oalling'*him
awful names. Ain't it fine ?
FIRST Tony. I shouldn't wonder if he wasn't in the jewel robberies.
SECOND TORY. Fancy his being a murderer, though!
THIRD TonRY. Never mind. We'll give it him warm our side.
We'll get the editor of the Globe to call him an ass.
OxNEs. Oh, won't that crush him Come on. Hooray!

A Peculiarity and a Paraphrase.
HERE is news for P. A. Taylor and Co., which will set their 'eyes
overflowing with sympathy for a scoundrel, and their brains addling
with astonishment at the extraordinary action of a bench of magistrates.
This item, exactly as it stands, is given by a well known weekly :-
Henry Gray, a labourer, has been sentenced to a term of imprison-
ment and to be once whipped by the Saffron Walden bench of magis-
trates for," &c., &c. The crime of the man is hardly worth taking
into consideration, so extraordinary is the nature of his punishment.
The poet, when he prayed that every honest hand should hold a whip
to lash a scoundrel naked through the land, never thought that such a
wish would in futurelyears be so near its accomplishment.

A 1-derful.
Mn. MECHi states that the wheat crop of the present year will not
reach an average." What this means exactly it would require the
sharpness of one of Mr. Mechi's own razors to tell. The sage next
informs us that the hay crop has been a good one. Of course it has,
hay one-or rather, as compared with wheat, it might be said, hay won.

Balancing the Account.
A LAWYER in the North has just bequeathed 200,000 for the found-
ing of a bishopric. According to this, the proverb that when a lawyer
dies Mr. Satan rejoices is not so infallible as many think. An extra
clergyman or two may, however, compensate the old gentleman for
his sudden stroke of ill-luck.

Want of Education.
THE Ameer of Cabul has executed two newspaper correspondents for
sending false information. Ameer trifle to him, of coarse. The
general opinion among newspaper men (including ourselves) is that
the Ameer's notion of what should constitute journalism would bring
journals to an end almost as rapidly as he has already brought his
Similia Similibus.
A woMAN of Manchester, named Roberts, has recently been fined
heavily for having illicit spirits in her possession. It is reported in
some papers that there was quite a scene in court when sentence wts
passed. It is only natural that when Roberts is fined a large number
of "bobs," the initial outcome of proceedings will be somewhat of a
Cam Grano Salis."
THE quarrymen in parts of the Rhineland are in the habit of spread-
ing on their bread a fine unctuous clay found in the crevices of the rocks,
which they call stone butter,' and eat with great relish." It would
take a great deal of this kind of butter to make the story swallowable
in the throats of the public. Unless, indeed, it is found ready salted.

CowPan-TrMPLE, M.P., says the institution of coffee taverns is just
the way to help the working classes to elevate themselves. Mem.
Where is Sir Wilfrid Lawson ?
La Republique.
MARSHAL MACMAHON's Government is so fond of prosecuting
everybody and everything that it intends to prosecute its own
inquiries into the conduct of the Radical party.

106 FUNc

For.d Mother (after a sudden howl from Young Hopeful) :-" WHAT AILS MY DARLING "

A PERsoN named Higham, provision dealer of Preston, thought it a
good joke to write to three ladies of his acquaintance, and anony-
mously inform them that their husbands had been drowned at the Isle
of Man. On discovery he apologised for as brutal and heartless a
hoax as even a practical joker could enjoy. To our thinking, the
husbands don't seem to have been so very much alive after all, or the
apology (if any) ought ultimately to have come from one of them.

Literary Novelty.
THE following curious line meets the eye in a literary paper: -
" Who was Caxton F-Hardwicke and Bogue." If this is the answer
to a pretty generally expressed question, we think our literary friend
is wrong again, as usual. We wonder he didn't go just one step
further and say Hardwicke and Boguey. Boguey, alone, mightn't
have been so far off the mark, after the way in which the old gent's
been worked this last month or two.
So Young Too.
THE Richard Young, one of the Great Eastern Railway's Rotterdam
boats, was disabled the other night in crossing, and assistance had to
be sent her. This ship is, or ought to be, too Young to be Dickey "
even if it's Young and Richard. ..,

Curious Coincidence.
A COLLIER named Barker summoned another named Pemberton
before the Wigan bench for kicking him. Plaintiff showed places
where the skin was completely peeled off. The magistrates inflicted a
fine of forty shillings and costs, though upon whom it is doubtful, as
the report doesn't state and they began to wake up towards the close of
the evidence that the man Pemberton was really and in effect Barker.
By Private Wire.
MR. PONGo has been photographed by the Stereoscopic Company.
The "cabinet" we have received is first-class. But doesn't it seem
strange that the result should be so widely published when the con-
sultation between operator and operate was so strictly "in camera" ?
The Lilley of France.
GAM~BTTA is to be prosecuted for his speech at Lille. If MacMahon
only does the despot for a few weeks longer he will alienate every
Lille and true heart in France. And well Lille deserve it.

Matrimonial News.
THE Rev. T. W. Thomas, who has just been," licensed to the curacy
of St. Bride," may now be regarded as completely wedded to his


Entire Wheat Flour.


cAV1!ON.-If ones thick, i t( p it preve the 1dditie of l,,ea.

C. BRANDAUER & CO'S New registered "press
series" of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box aad
elect the pattern best suited to your hand.

Printed by JUDD & CO., PLoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 183, Fleet Street, E C -London, September 5, 1877.

[SEPT. 5, 1877.

SRPT. 12, 1877.]


Old Gent to Boy (who is smoking the end of a cigar he has picked up) :-" UGH, FOR SHAMS, THROW THAT NASTY THING AWAY."

A SCOTCH joke has got abroad, and the world is wondering. So
that our readers may never be taken unawares in the future by a
similar swift-slaying ebullition, we will forewarn them that the long-
looked-for jest was at last safely delivered by Principal Caird at the
Crieff Bazaar. In his address the Principal offered a single bit of
advice to the officiating ladies." He, among other things of a like
light and lively kind, said: Honesty is a Christian virtue, and in a
general way it is a virtue we are all bound to practise. But I think it
might be a question in casuistry whether there are not occasions on
which the absolute and unconditional observance of its requirements
may be slightly relaxed. At any rate you are here to-day to make
money. Make it honestly if you can; but at all events make money."
The usual surgical operations having been performed, laughter became
general, and thlewhole of that part of. England called Scotland was in
due course convulsed with the knowledge of its proprietary rights in
Jokedom. Some people might under the circumstances say that the
speech showed a want of Principal, and that athe speechmaker was a
rum old Caird. We, however, scorn such weak attempts in the pre-
sence of so superior a specimen, and in all deference and humility
prefer to leave the worthy Principal alone in his joke and his glory.

A Bad Game.
THE Coldstream Guards and the 10th Regiment have been fighting
brutally at Brentwood, and several of the men are in hospital. What
with ironclads running into each other, and our soldiers playing at
Kilkenny cats, there is no wonder the Conservatives confine themselves
to after-dinner war speeches, and assure the belligerents next morning
they don't intend to fight.

A Common Cause.
IT is a gross injustice to call the Kurr-Benson plot The Great
Turf Frauds." The great turf frauds of the present day are the
illegal enclosures of our commons. These are far greater swindles
than the De Goncourt business.

SON of a Blacksmith, Man of the People, he
Who struck the chains from France and left her free I
With foes he coped, and all the plots of Rome,
Yet fell betrayed by knavery at home:
Now Thiers, the patriot, sinking to the grave,
Leaves her he loved a gagged and fetter'd slave.

Handy Work.
PROFESSIONAL pedestrianism is becoming an acrobatic pursuit if we
are to believe the Daily Chronicle, whose general sporting work is, by
the way, of a kind entitling it to become a deservedly admitted
authority. Speaking of the pedestrian at present attempting to
walk 1,500 miles in 1,000 hours, our contemporary, at the close of one
day's performance, explains to its readers that Gale had completed a
given number of miles, "his last mile and a half taking 23 min. 7 sec.
to manipulate." This rather reminds us of the gentle comp" who
when Faithf ull female labour was first introduced into the printing-
office, went home and wept bitterly "because a heavy blow had been
struck at manual labour." It is, however, as well to know that
besides completely outdoing Captain Barclay for distance, the Cardiff
"pod" is going on his rounds head downwards. By this piece of
marvellous "manipulation" he at once succeeds in saving his feet
from blisters, and prevents the time hanging at all heavy on his hands.

Tonujours Perdrix.
MARTIN PARTBIDGE, stonemason, of Wandsworth, is probably now
suffering under a fine sense of injury. Bent on laryngal lubrication,
he entered a public-house, when straightway a brother mason insisted
on reading Kurr's cross-examination to him. The patient Partridge
endured four columns, and then hit the aggressor in the mouth. The
rendezvous was at Wandsworth Police-court on the Fatal First. The
magistrate, with nice humour, attributed the affair to the strike move-
ment, and his sporting instincts reviving, speedily brought down his
bird. And now Martin meditates a month in intramural misery.




IT has been said, not alone
L by one author, but by
many writers whose claims
would be admitted by the
S usateart's critic, even
sithough he were not at the
time on friendly terms with
themw-that war is a most
dreadful thing Not alone
is war a dreadful thing in
itself, but it stirs up the
passions and heats the
otherwise calm and le-
thargic blood of those who
may be said to be lookers.
on. Villages of a hitherto
cnumost peaceful kind become,
after hostile forces have
been marched through or
near them, scenes of riot
and disorder, of bickering

and sanguineous streams,
though war itself touched
them not but merely passed
by. leaving its serpent-like
trail of contamination be-
hind. In towns far away
e from the battle-field, the
same scenes have occurred
on a larger scale, and
many are the friend-
ships blighted in their spring, many and deep the animosities that
have been fostered by the spirit of war showing through the lines of
the special correspondent, and making those who should merely have
received the intelligence as news, partisans, faction-fighters, and
enemies more bitter than the original belligerents themselves. Ah, war
is indeed a shocking thing, so patently shocking that a mere statement
of the fact seems dreariest among dreary platitudes. But I will show
you how I was at one time affected by the horrors of war, and then,
perhaps, you will admit my right to give ff an opinion.
It was in the year when England had gone mad over a war between
two as complete blackguards as ever lived,- the unholy and di-solute de-
faulting Turk and the crafty, if Christian, Muscovite. Instead of look-
ing on calmly, caring little or nothing which of such Arcadians came off
conqueror, and merely consulting British interests in their keen and
critical watch, the war was made one of the warmest party questions
ever known in England. To a Tory nothing Turkish could be bad;
to a Liberal every Russian was an angel of light, and so it was with
the organs of both parties. Never was there a Turkish Victory but
it was sure to be met with a Great Russian Triumph, and so great was
the demand for this sort of thing that special correspondents had to
sit up all night at the Seat cf War in Whateername-court, E 0, or
any of the other local battle grounds, and telegraph descriptive matter
to the printers downstairs till the ink dried up and the paper became
seared with the fierceness of the fighting. Bat still these ind-fauigable
correspondents would keep on, still the public would buy, and still the
printers were kept going; and the boys yelled Second Speshal Had-
dition of the War! till the gunpowder ran out of their heels, and the
great Panjandrum himself looked out of his window in Fleet-street on
the crowd below, and smole a smile to think of the power for good or
evil that he wielded.
Feeling ran so high just about this time, that when the conscientious
manager of the Daily Drip tried to bring on a newer and calmer era
he met with the fate that so justly overtakes all who will persist in
standing immediately in front of and opposing Fate. He really went
so far as to send a reporter out to the seat of war, an innovation
which met with the scorn and contempt of all true j 9urnalists. Then
he sent another out on the other side, a contemptible proceeding I
cannot bring myself very well to describe. Then he published what
these two precious rascals had to say, without dressing or altering, or
in any way considering the great and natural public excitement But
then came his proper punishment. The people, with natural contempt
of and indignation at such a liberty been taken with their tastes, at
once forgot their private differences, and going down to the office in a
body, extinguished all future chances for that paper by pulling the
place to pieces before the energetic manager could say Jack Robinson!
Bat all this while I have been leaving m. self out in the cold, and
though mine is only a small incident it may te found worth the telling,
especiallyas it was with that particular object that I set forth. During
the same panic the only people who took things at all quietly were the

[SEPT. 12. 1877.

members of the Government, who shut up shop and went home as if
there was nothing the matter. On the other hand the proprietors of
the music-halls and promenade concerts made great capital out of the
exci ement, and by playing alternately the national airs of Russia and
Turkey succeeded in doing a rare stroke of business. It's an ill wind
that blows nobody good, and the famous war between Russia and
Turkey in '77 laid the foundation of many a music-hall manager's
colossal fortune. I used to go regularly to the Camford, where the
Russian National Hymn and the Turkish National Hymn used to be
played every night amid groans, cheers, and hisses. I hadn't any par-
tioular sympathies myself, and like a good many others there used to
do just what struck me as best at the moment. What a jolly lark it
used to be, to be sure, but, oh, what a lamentable result it had for me!
And so, as I said before, what a horrible thing war is after all!
I was engaged like this at the Oamford one night, and was in the
middle of a cat-call while the band was playing the Holy Russian
)Hymn, when who should I see but Bill Smitti cheering vigorously.
Now Bill Smith was the greatest enemy I had in the world. We need
to be great pals once, but he'd kicked up a row about some money he'd
lent me, the mean, paltry, contemptible skunk, and when I saw him
cheering with all his might my blood was up and I determined to be
revenged. "Now," thought I, "I will make a party question of
this !" So just as he was opening his mouth to give another cheer,
and knowing he didn't see me, L rushed at him with all my might, and,
calling out, "Ugh, you Rassian scoundrel! Down with Russian
sympathisers! hit him in the eye.
Instead of falling down and crying for mercy as I expected he would,
Bill Smith called me a foul name and commenced sparring vigorously.
The audience were delighted, and making a ring, kept the manager and
his officials back. and encouraged us with shouts of, Go it, Russia! "
" G,ve it him, Turkey 1" I think they must have encouraged Bill
Smith the most, as the vile coward, heedless of my giving in, rushed
for the last time, and gave me some of the most tremendous upper-
cuts it is possible to imagine. I was in a shocking state, bruised,
bleeding, and with all my clothes torn, while Smith had hardly a
mark beyond the one I had given him first.
But this was pot the worst of it. The police had by the time it was
over cleared a way to where we were, and I was going to claim their
protection, when a pompous old beast who said he was a magistrate,
and who evidently knew the sergeant, volunteered a lot of perfectly
unnecessary evidence. The result was that I was taken into custody,
marched through the street amid the merciless sallies of a lot of that
beast Smith's pals, locked up all night, and in the morning fined five
pounds or three months with hard. And as I hadn't the fiver, I had
to put up with the hard instead, and have never since been anything
like the same man, and never hope to be.
And so you will admit that when I say War is a dreadful thing,
I am giving utterance to no mere platitude.

BEGGAR. Give us a copper, kind lady. I've a wife and children
starving at home.
LADY. Go away; I never encourage beggars.
BEGGAR. Oh, I s'pose you're one o' them as paterrizes the Turks.
Keep your coppers; I wouldn't go whacks with such as them if I was
"THE nights have lately been favourable," says a scientific journal,
"for observing Mars." We have taken advantage of the fact, and
have observed that repaving e ars the principal thoroughfares, an
ugly building Mars nearly every street, and the wretched weather
Mars everything. We have noticed a good many other Mars too
numerous to mention.
TnE Russian soldiers are crying for better generals. AtOrsovaone
called out to the Grand Duke, "Give us a good leader, and we will
fight 1" His Imperial Highness replied, "Another leader! Do you
want to chuck the old 'Orse ova '" The soldiers wept at seeing him
so calm.
Barking Creek.
THE Fiji islanders are turning their attention to grazing pursuits."
That is, we presume, they are educating themselves so as to come up
to the scratlc/ when called on. After reading this intelligence, a well-
known manufacturer of diachylon plaister became quite Fijity; the
prospect certainly is promising.

Baker's Treat.
BAKER PASHA has been decorated with the order of the Osmanli.
The principal reason for the honour seems to be that when his 'Os was
shot under him he was manli enough to get on somebody's else.

SrT. 12, 1877.] F U N 109

A MAN of weight, .
The magistrate,
A fact could, under no pretence,
Of any -kind,
Convince his mind
Without a mass of evidence.
No merely self-asserting fact
You'd find that magistrate believing;
His judgments, sir, were full of tact
And lengthened thought, and worth receiving I

A weighty case
It was to trace,
Which came before that magistrate;
Ah, 111 be bound
Of quite a pound
Or more, it would decide the fate.
" Much evidence the case would need,"
His Worship said; "and many swearings,"
For it was very grave indeed,
And most important in its bearings!
I don't pretend
The case's end
Would be his Worship's to decide:
It was his place
To try the case
To settle if it should be tried.
And so the magistrate began;
And he is ruled by strange delusions
Who thinks his Worship was the man
To go a-jumping at conclusions.
He set about
By mapping out
The prisoner's complete career,
In neat array,
From day .to day,
Commencing with-his natal year;
He accurately brought'to light
The moment he commenced his breathing,
And made them carefully recite
The circumstances of his teething.
He strived and strained
Ar d ascertained
The colour of his nurse's hair;
He found his shoes
Were Number Two's, -
And nearly all his aunts were fair;
He occupied some thousand day s
In hearing subtle explanations
Of all the more important traits
Of all his principal relations.
A man was caught
Of whom he'd bought
Some toffee at the age of eight,
It helped his plan
To find this man
Objected to his water-rate.
The views of the accused on each
Political and social question
Were placed within his Worship's reach,
And-neatly ranged for his digestion.
The age (to days),
The social ways,
Of all "accused" hadtever'known
Were stated with
Surprising pith,
As also were their moral tone,
And where they went when out of town,
And what they did in rainy weather;
Then, all their ages, jotted down,
Were squared, and added up together.
In my Police"
I never cease
To find his Worship perseveres;
Its even pace
This little case
Has kept for just eleven years.
When, say eleven other springs
Are marked on Time's revolving dial,
We may discover if the thiv g's
Considered fit to send for trial.

"Mossoos" taking to the water.

FIRST CrTIZBN. Dreadful revelations about the detectives, ain't
they ?
SeCOND DuTO. Awful; but they ain't true.
FiheT DI1TO. Don t you think so?
SECOND DITTO. No. This is got up by Kurr and Benson and the
rest of the convicts. I hear they are paid a large sum by the news-
papers to keep on bringing out startling revelations.
FibsT DITTO Lor. But don't you think Meikle--
SECOND Diro Oh, I think he was with 'em a good bit, and might
have taken their money, but he only did it so as to have 'em some
FmesT DITro. Ah, and I daresay Clarke and Druscovich did the
SECOND DTTro. Oh, yes-it'll be all right. The men wouldn't have
been such fools.
FIrsT DITTO. No. The Treasury ordered the prosecution just to
ease the public mind, because there were rumours going about.
S'COND DITTO. Well, I'm glad they're innocent, and it will all
come right.
FIHST DITTo. So am I; but when do you think the magistrate
will think he's beard enough to commit them for ?
SICOND DITTO. Goodness knows Don't you see, it's because the
evidence is so slight that Sir James lets it run on to try and see if he
ought to commit them for trial or not.
FIasT DiTTO. Oh, I see! Exactly.

Cool, Very.
A HnT wind recently visited portions of Clinton county, New York.
"Entire cornfields appeared as if frost-bitten." Heat and cold and
pain are, so philosophers and scientists say, purely imaginary feelings,
and numerous instances are given in books of material effects being
produced on the sa st-m by means effecting only the mind. The frost-
bitten cornfields at Clinton are proofs of how dangerous it is to trifle.
Somebody in authority must have prophesied a cold wind of intensity,
and the result was, as we see, a thorough and complete "frost."

The Biggest Gooseberry.
WE are told that, owing to the fierceness with which the war is
conducted, there will be no silly season" for the newspapers this
year. The wiseacre who promulgated this has forgotten that the
war has already produced the silliest of "silly seasons." No sea-
serpent ever wagged his tale with the velocity or vivacity of a special
correspondent, and the most gigantic gooseberry ever-seen-in print-
must hide its diminished head before a kindred Atrocity, or carry its
few remaining hairs in sorrow to the grave at sight of a great Turkish
victory. _______
Game I
Dovi a cricket outfitter, who advertises that he supplies "every
possible necessary for the pastime," come under the head of a dealer
in game ? And, if so, why doesn't he pay taxes to his overburdened
country accordingly ?
A Dummy One.
A MOTTO for the lovers of dumb animals. Dum vivimus vivamus."
Dumb we live, let us live!



iI p, L W' 4
I' I :I I !'1 !,JIt

"Jane, this water is not at all dear. I can see living organisms in it with
the naked eye. Go up and see if there's anything in the cistern."


K .tl i

And that unhappy Jane went up.

"John, my boy, it's very strange that Jane does not return from the cistern I
Go up and see if there's anything the matter."


U v) Vo ( U GC, U J C0 C

" It is very extraordinary! Neither the housemaid nor
my son has returned I I will go myself and see I"

j0 00 0

0 .
0 o<

C' CG r 0 0


And he went up; and a Living Organism, which bhad eluded the careful filtration of
the Water Company-



;'' Y^
\' \.

FU NT.-SEPTEMBER 12, 1877.





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7, "K

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, ,} .,, ,

SFPT. 12, 1877.]


Now holidays are all the go,- -
And people out of town are flocking, (7..
Deserted is the Park and Row- 05"
And Fortune my despair is mocking.
Discons. lite, I walk about, 0 ,114
T haven't even had a day yet;
Still, when I meet my friends, they shout,
dull ), old fellow! Been away yet ?"
There's Jones, the biggest swell on earth,
Who flutters daily to the City-
Who's got some Civil Service berth- ;"
At my expense is very witty.
He knows my chances are but small
Of working hard to make my hay yet, o
He knows I have no cash at all, !
Yet asks me if I've "been away yet 1" -_
And Gusher, an astounding cad
(Oh, how I d like to knock him over!),
This morning said, "'Al-lo, my lad,
I ve only just returned from Dover. -
What seaside spot did vou select? P
WHAT' haven't sniffed the briny spray yet ?
Not well F what else can you expect ?
Good gracious! Haven't been away yet !"
All those I chance to meet advise
A multitude of pleasant places,
As if I ever ruralise
Among the folks with sunburnt faces!
A word, 0 editor, to you-
(ro my request you ne'er said "nay" yet) -
Please, when I come to take my "soacrew,"
Don't ask me if I've "been away yet!" .

Chance or Skill.
WE have been requested to contradict a rumour that
may possibly arise shortly to the effect that Mr. Raffles,
the well-known Liverpool magistrate, is about to be
transferred to the metropolitan bench. The mistake is
likely to be made mainly because of the great power
possessed among London stipendiaries by Chance, who
is really one of themselves.

His Aim and End.
THE man who blows his brains out with a pistol has a
selfish aim in view, because the bullet is intended
entirely for himself.

Second ditto ditto:-" YE ; I'vE BEEN LOOKING DOWN THE TURKISH

IN the same daily paper during this present week the following
cases occur :-A lady robbed and assaulted on Clapham Common in
broad daylight, a master builder attac.,ed with stones and s aves by
twenty roughs on Hackney Marshes, a woman kicked and attacked
with a razor in the Caledonian-road, a sailor stabbed in ihe thigh in
Whitechapel, a child's head split open by its mother in Peckham, and
a girl beaten and left for dead at Woolwich. This is not one tenth of
the horrors on record for the day, but it seems monstrous for such a
people to talk about the barbarous Russians and the barbarous Turks.
Bashi- Bazouks and Cossacks are fiends in time of war; the Eoglish
Bashi-Bizouks and Cossacks are fiends in time of peace. If the Turks
are sincere in their regard for this country, they might very well get
up a few atrocity meetings at Constantinople, and call upon England
to behave herself.

A Job Master.
AN Essex tradesman advertises in a local paper for a young man,
"one who has been used to serve customers with horse and cart."
Our own matter-of-fact man is anxious to know the percentage of
horse and cart served to a given number of customers, and what they
do with it. (Maybe the horse is useful in making up a dinner haller

A GOOD father and mother like to make their children smart while
they are young. Grateful children when they grow up generally
make their parents smart in return.

ROBBERY WITH VIonLN a."-The annexation of the Transvaal.

New Road to Fame.
AMONG the items of a subscription list for the day, published by the
disinterested promoters of the "Turkish Compassionate Fund," is to
be found, "Proceeds of a Garden Party given at House, per Mrs.
--." We don't care to publish the names in case people in future
invited to House should find themselves possessed of prior
engagements. As it is, a good many of those who do know must
think the hospitable entertainers possessed of a great deal more Com-
passion for their friends the Turks than for their acquaintances the
guests at the Garden Party.

A Prior Claim.
Two parties, named Prior and Pegg, were arraigned for being drunk
and disorderly. It also appears that Prior to being arrested, Pegg
had assaulted a constable, and was therefore fined five shillings more
than Prior. And now he fancies he has been taken down a Pegg! "

The Way to Mull it.
AN Irish friend delivered himself thus the other day. What im-
plement of husbandry is a cabman with a bad horse like ? Fot-don't
ye say it? A screwdriver, to be sure!" And now he wants to be paid
for the riddle, and never thinks how much more valuable-is the joke.

Hon. Honour.
IT is said that the Prince of Wales has expressed his willingness to
accept an honorary colonelcy in the Royal Marines. Our own old
soldier says the best thing that can be done is to tell it to the
A GALE IN THE WasT."-The one who walks at Lillie Bridge.


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