Front Cover
 Title Page
 January 3, 1877
 January 10, 1877
 January 17, 1877
 January 24, 1877
 January 31, 1877
 February 7, 1877
 February 14, 1877
 February 21, 1877
 February 28, 1877
 March 7, 1877
 March 14, 1877
 March 21, 1877
 March 28, 1877
 April 4, 1877
 April 11, 1877
 April 18, 1877
 April 25, 1877
 May 2, 1877
 May 9, 1877
 May 16, 1877
 May 23, 1877
 May 30, 1877
 June 6, 1877
 June 13, 1877
 June 20, 1877
 June 27, 1877
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00030
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00030
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page 5
    January 3, 1877
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    January 10, 1877
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    January 17, 1877
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    January 24, 1877
        Page 35
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    January 31, 1877
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        Page 51
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    February 7, 1877
        Page 55
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        Page 61
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        Page 63
        Page 64
    February 14, 1877
        Page 55b
        Page 66
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    February 21, 1877
        Page 67
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    February 28, 1877
        Page 77
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    March 7, 1877
        Page 87
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    March 14, 1877
        Page 97
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        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    March 21, 1877
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
    March 28, 1877
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
    April 4, 1877
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
    April 11, 1877
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
    April 18, 1877
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
    April 25, 1877
        Page 159
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        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
    May 2, 1877
        Page 169
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    May 9, 1877
        Page 179
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        Page 185
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    May 16, 1877
        Page 189
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    May 23, 1877
        Page 199
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        Page 208
    May 30, 1877
        Page 209
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        Page 213
        Page 217
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    June 6, 1877
        Page 221
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    June 13, 1877
        Page 231
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    June 20, 1877
        Page 241
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    June 27, 1877
        Page 251
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        Page 255
        Page 257
        Page 258
    Back Cover
        Page 259
Full Text

..... .....

.. ..... ...






.IL 2



T HE war had been going on for some time.
SEvery day brought news of a great battle with victory for both sides, which, as all will admit, is an entirely new phase of the
oldest art in the world.
The Emperor of Russia sat in his ivory car, and encouraged his soldiers. The Sultan of Turkey could be seen in the distance,
bivouacking on pipes and coffee, inferiors in rank being only permitted pipes and tabors.
Fiercely went on the fighting for several hours, with slight intervals for refreshment, and when time was called for the day victory was
once again claimed by both.
The night expired, and many soldiers both Turkish and Russian followed suit, but again the position was unchanged, and again both
claimed to have won. It was the first time in the history of sport that a dead-heat had been so appropriately discovered.
The Emperor of Russia got out of his ivory car, and placed his fevered hand upon his erewhile placid brow. What will they say in
England P murmured he, and an echoing breeze seemed to him to catch up the words and whisper, What indeed!"
The Sultan of Turkey laid down his pipe, and swore at his principal backer. What is the good of my winning while yonder Tartar
horde knows not that it has been defeated P The backer backed out of the Imperial presence, and the only answer that even the Sultan
could obtain was the same as that vouchsafed the Cmsar, What indeed !"
A trace was called and a consultation held that very evening, and it was decided-first, that no London daily paper should be admitted
into either camp, as it was chiefly through them that both sides believed they never could be beaten; and second, that an Umpire should be
properly appointed to decide who had won and who lost on all future occasions. These resolutions having been properly proposed by the
Emperor, and seconded by the Sultan, were put to the meeting, and everyone signified the same in the usual way. A cold collation
followed, after which and the recognized loyal and patriotic toasts the war proceedings were resumed de novo.
Just then a fresh arrival appeared on the scene, and all knew that a change was at hand. The new-comer was a mild and pensive gentle.
man, clad in a picturesque garb, and his visiting card bore on it the famous address: "No. 15.3, Fleet-street, London, E.C." There was a
lurking devil in his deep blue eye, and his bullets were made of lead. He was at once, by acclamation and the Imperial ukase specially
prepared for this ukasion, appointed sole Umpire, his decision to be final and free from any appeal to a court of law whatsoever.
In the dead watches of the night he was known to be hard at work solving the knott~ problem. When morning dawned the halo of joy
and peace which illumined his happy face was a thing to see. "I have hit on an expedient," he whispered to the rivals, and War shall be no
more. You see yon target and this gun "-producing both from his waistcoat-pocket, and proceeding to place the former in position-
" you see them both P No one can hit that target with this gun while he is in the wrong. You shall both fire at it, and he who has right on
his side will be at once victorious, while he who is wrong will be utterly confounded. Thus will Peace again reign triumphant on earth, and
the reign of Wretchedness be over.-Tum-tum."
Even as he spoke a blessed balm seemed to suffuse the air, the sun burst forth from a bank of clouds where it had been deposited, the
birds began to sing, the rivers ran babbling as of peace and plenty, and all nature smiled when it was seen that the target of truth and
virtue, of wisdom and of wit, was none other than

UD ^tuto-fiftly VInt of tyte Oreso Otries Df un.

ARTFUL Vice-Chariceuor (The), 23 MUSICAL Maniac: 7
Arrangements for the Boatrace; 115 .. Mightiness &f Theory (The), 16
" Appeal to the Benevolent (Aii)," 148 Mis-Appreciation, 26
April, 149 My Valentine, 58. ,
Arrogant Amateur (The), 151 Monday Pops;, Thi), 73
Aspiration (An), 181 Mystery (A)i3 ,
Artistic Recompense, 185 Merciful gibse Airent (The); 78
Again the Raging War, 188 M51ajifi Cnogo (The), 87
Apt Pupil (An), 207 My Ponms, 98
Affairs in the East, 247 March, 99
--: Momentous Question (The), 118
Bishop's Valentine (The), 68 Mhii Needed Organization (A), 121
Bassislhaw Brazenose, 78, KOdel Husband (A), 125
Beautiful Mind (The), 128 Mystery Explained (The), 150
Ben Oohre's Merit, 186 Martyr (A), 171
Business Interview (A), 141, Misnomer, 201
Buttercup's Explanation I The); 227
Blackheath High Toby (The), 289
Blighted Barman (The), 240 NEW Yeari Greeting (A), 03
Byron Memorial (The), 244 1 New Arcadia (The), 24
New Indian National Anthem (The), 44
CouR.toe, 13 Nasty Night (A), 54
Cry of War (The), 21 Newest Thing in Cities (The), 66
Converted Worldling, 87 Not so E -sy, 75
Conference Trick (The), 51 New Amusement (The), 86
Calipash and Calipee, 93 Not to e id, 98
Cured Acquaintance (The), 155 Noble Offer (A), 130
Criterion (A). 157 Noble Lord (The), 160
Common Occurrence (A), 158 Never Too Late to Mend, 205
Cock-a-Dnodle-Don 1 160 Neighhourly Devotion, 223
Common Occurrence (A, 208 NEw Leaves, t3, 57, 77, 106,129, 228
Consolation on Consideration, 212
Conversations & la Mode, 241 OxroRD and Cambridge Boatrace, 68, 79,
Caxton Celebration (The), 242 88, 103, 109, 120
D On the Rack, 129
DEVONSHIRE Lan-s, 11 I Old Saw Sharp-ned (An), 137
Drunk or Dying, 47 Odd Notes, 165
Dangers of Pre-Scientiam (The), 89 Our Pictre Galleries, 170
Down in the World, 94 Old Clothes, 237
Demon Draught (Thea, 1215
Difficult Point (A), 1C7 ,
Doubtful Affairs, 199 PoTr e*s CafD (The), 43
Drama of the Day ( ), 20 Poor Jiack : A Drama (of he Day, 46
Derby Winner (The), 209 Passing Strange Story (A), 63
Difficulties of a Barrister, 212 Pontypridd, 172
Derby Stand Point (A), '223 Preposterous Notions, 191
Dots and Lines, 11, 11 Poet's Pains (A), 195
Drama (A), 257 Professor Pump's Experiment, 197
Policeman Hero (The) ; or, True
EAsTER, 132 Nobility, 243
Eastern Queslion (The), 227 Paracelsus Pimpernel, 249
Proverb (A), 252
FOOL'S Paradise (A). 26 Poems on Pro's, 257
February, 61
" For Conscience Sake." 103 RAILWAY Accidents, 17
Fisher's Grave (The). 108 Rather Overdoing It, uli
Fatherly Advertiser (The), 121 Itevenge, 233
Fatal Boatrace (The), 127
First of April (TheT, 140 SPtIRT of the Season" (The),
Fan (Mr.) at the Royal Academy, 10 Such a Come-D un," 53
190, 200, 222 Super (The), 85
" Female Element (The), 237 Suspercollation, 95

From Bad Fao W32re, 2 Some Light on the Subject, 131
Fact and anm s, 325, 45, 55, 5 Sport and Public Amusements, 167
F kig or, results ofProgr Special Intelligence, 171
" Finicking"; or, the Results of Progress Stubbornness of Invalids (The), 175
258 Startling Incident (A), 117
GRANDFATHEnR' Tale (A), 21 Sad Stories of the Races, 217
Good Resolutions, 3t Somewhat Sanguine I 240
Gurston Grimm. 69 Severe Loss to the Profession (A), 232
Good Night's Work (A), 104 Sour Grapes, 251
Great Fact (The), 122
Great Public Benefactor (A', 146 TALE of True Modesty (A), 66
HONeST InilnationD, 83 Threadbare Topic (A), 93
HONEST Insianation, 83 d Time's Whirligig, 95
Handsome is as Handsome Does," 105 Trials and Vicissitudes of a Sandwich,
Hidden Merit (The ', 147 12
" Home and Freign," 161 That Ruinous Thing War 1 187
He and She, 179 Tyrant and His Victim (The), 241
Here, There, and Everywhere, 22, 41, 61, Thomas Tug at Healey, 252
67, 99, 125, 139, 233

IMPLICIT Confidice, 36 UNREPORTED Police News, 5, 52
Interuniversity Bbat-RBce (The), 47
In the Ruck, 51 VIGOROUS Valentine Versification, L7
Influence of Goda (The), 140 Valentine Design (A), 63
Indisputable, 165 Very Good Maxim (A), 106
Intensely Funny, 249 Vendetta (The), 130
Vow (A), 152
Joyous Spring, 145 WISNTY Weather, 25
SWicked World (A), 55
LETTERS from a Resident, 75 Weary Waiting, 57
Lost and Won, 135 Why Midhat Pasha Fell, 84
Lines Written on a Holiday, 169 Ward Hunt the Deliverer, 85
Lays from Lempri re, 229 Waiting for Orders 161
Letter from Paris (A), 258 Welcome Visitor (A), 187


ADVAtiTAB iS of Our Suburb (The), 18
Any Excuse Better Than None, E6
Alarming Occurrehot; 104
" Ara Celare-," 183
"Abignee Makes the Heart Growe
Fonder," 159
Art arid Epsom, 220
Amateur (The), 224
Art of Restorinr (The), 25
arguinentum ad Homineiii; 257

"BfAlkaCE of Power (The)," I 19
British Tridebman (The). (.I, 28; (9),
British Workman (The). (14), 48
British Thief (The), 234

CAUSE or Effrect ? 15
Child's Dream of Pantomimes (A), 85
Cold Comfort, 54
Common Stuff, 175
Carrier (The). 126
*Canny Newcastle," 139
Compensation for Injury, 206
Clover goes to the Derby, 221
Cool, 240

DELIGHTS of (The) the Chace," 52
Distinction with a Difference, 57
Doubtful Case (A), 68
Depressibn in Trade (The), 70
Dropping in to Have a Drain," 78
Difficult Task, 185
Dangerous Rivals, 251

"Estimates Given," 128
Exchangeable Pursuits, 218
Envy, 258

" FOOLS Rush In- ," 24
First Impressions, 55
Fearful Task (A), 109
Ferry Fiend (The), (As Seen Each Year
at the Boatrace), 107
Found Wanting, 132
Fiddle-de-Dee, 148
Friendly Interest IA). 178
"For the Defence," 208
Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic, 211

GENEROUS Offer (A), 152
Gone Coon (A), 228

HUMIAN Race (The) : Well in Front, 14
Hope Deferred, 74
How to La) Out a Suburban Garden, 157
Happy Encounter (A). 19
Honest Indignation, 188
Henley-Rig Hatter, 242

Institutions Peculiarly English, 248

" LOOKING Back," 11
Legs Talinnis, 22
"Liberal Pen'orth (A), 41
" Little more than Kin-," 45
Lost Opportunity (A), 87
Like Tickling a Rhinoceros, 106
" Long Oats; or, Exchange no Rob-
bery, 138
Light of His Countenance (The), 145
"Little AMore than Kid and Less than
Kind (A)," 149
Live and Learn, 168

" Mind Your Stops," 84
" Men are Made by their Failures," 172

" NOT His Work," 51
"No Gratuities." -A Tale of a Railway,
Not a Homing Bird," 93
Not a Believer in It, 116
"No Preventive Whatever," 129
Now or Never, 158

ONE Good Turn Deserves Another, 64
On Faith in Advertisements, 186

' Pr,--FrrrD 9r.." '12
r.ln-.y NW'Es, 1
Pt.,r.vi.nt Mind A). 1,2
Penple hho, Look Fo',lih, 142
Pleas'. t f.,r the Orhe;re. 198
Psikiek Force, 241
Patty Feeling. 114
Ple-an' C'ompani.-n I A), 250
,r' S'Ex'ue, 91'
REFnltD Cruelti? 4 ,
Real Reason (Thli 94.
BR.ph's BHolidae CthelIl93
RBc'.llecthon the anyal Aiadriimy.
i i, 19.; (?1. 199; j8). ?".r

*' s.,,r.'e Sorirflke (A)." 8
Some New Year's Resolutions, 12
Sarcasm, 21
Some Fellows who are Always in Luck,
Social Status, 61
Seasonable Reminders, 56
Some Valentine Varieties. 65
Superiority of "''Man" (The), 80
Scotch Joke (A), 83
Sine Qua Non (A), 96
Splendid Sample (A), 117
Soldiers in Uniform Not Admitted,"
I Suburban Garden Again (The), 176
Subtle Distinction (A), 210
Sackriflce (A), 231
Too Blue, 42 .
" Traiin up a Child-," 44
Tragedy Without Words (A), 62
That Fellow Cupid, 55
Too Much Zeal: A Growl in Season, 119
Too Much for Money.--A Fragment, 189
" UP-AND-A-DowNEa" (An), 25
Unwarrantable Intrusion, 67
Unselfish Proposal (An), 103
VisIT to the Theatre (A). With
Attendant Considerations." 58
Very E'sence of Fun (The), 162
Very Select, 179
Vague School (The), 199 .
WEATHER (The), 34
Well Schooled, 76
Well Worth Seeing, 108
Will and the Deed (The), 148
Warning to Tea Drinkers, 165
With Verdcre Clad," 280


"ABANDONEo Turk I (The), 49
"Athlete Wrestling with aP4thpn," 193
CELEBRATED Indian Crown Triclk (The),
Commencement of the Charity Season,
FRANCE in a Fix, 255
INVOKING the Demon, 173
JoHN BULL in a Fix. 183
LATEST Novelty (The), 225
MAKING an April Fool of Him, 183
NEW Conductor (The), 71
OLD Stroke Oar (Thel, 112
"Only Genuine" God of War (The),
PEACE or War I -9
Political Poll PaiaSing. 123
Popular Appeal to His Feelings (A), 158
RussiA.Prepards the Way, 163
Row OuiteldA ti' India House (The), 203
Rusoo-TurkltlshDrby (Vhe), 214
ST. TooTh fr Miaityr-HyA Flirellation,
Suggestidht for 'V'aious Valeitines, 60
Ti e's Toy 8hd)i 9 ,
UNDER Go einm f0 Patrona1e," 148
Una and the Lion, 285
VERY Christian Matlyr (A), 59
WESTERN Questioi (The), 91
"You Cani't Give Awas What You
Never Had," 81

W i u Winter is trying his hardest around us
To make us remember his ways
What time when at NoUl he constantly bound us
To cheerily cherish the blaze:
When cracking our jokes to the loudest of laughter,
Demolishing all that was drear,
We wished one another, as echoed each rafter,
A Happy New Year!-
While Winter, that modern yet hoary impostor,
Is fearing we'll never forget
How often he's tried our worst feeling to foster
And put us at times in a "pet: "
When damp and bedraggled and wetfoot and weary
We've halted, the holiday near,
To say to each other, How horribly dreary!
A Happy New Year! "-
While Winter's still one day as icy as ever,
Another as muggy as-mild,
We'll make the best use of our chances, and never
By weather be readily riled."
We'll start a new chapter, and living like sages,
With no one and nothing to fear,
We'll offer to all who may study these pages
A Happy New Year !

WASHUP-STREET.-A QuERR DoDGe.-On Wednesday last,
Mr. Matthew Tenderly, a benevolent-looking old gentleman was
brought before the sitting magistrate of this office, charged with
attempting to leave in the custody of the police a child about 6 years
of age, over whom the officer considered the prisoner ought to exer-
cise a paternal care. Sergeant Cuff, of the B. U. Z. division, said, "at
10 o'clock last night the prisoner brought the little girl, who is now
present, to the Albowney-street station, saying he had found
her wandering about the streets, having lost her way, nor could
she tell where she lived; on questioning the prisoner, I found his
statements so very unsatisfactory and incoherent that I had them both
locked up."
Magistrate: "Quite right, Sergeant Cuff, quite right, I have always
found you to be a most discreet and intelligent officer; any more
witnesses F "
Police officer 09 B. U. Z., said, I was on dooty at the top o' Park-
street last night a little a'fore 10 o'clock, ven I sees this 'ere old gent
a talking' in a pacooliar kind o' way to the little girl, which wus a
Magistrate: "Now, officer, tell me in what kind of way was he
talking to the child, that you thought it so strange ? was it in a
paternal, I mean a fatherly, kind of way."
Police officer 09 B. U. Z.: Vy no, yer virship, that's jist what he
vasent doin', his conduct vasint fatherly a bit, that is, not tsackly
what I would call a fatherly kind o' way; 'e voz a pattin' 'er werry
gently on the 'ed, 'e voz, then 'e went and wiped the child's hies

with 'is hown 'ankerchief an' then 'e took 'old of 'er 'and an' led 'er
away,'e did, quite kind like, so, as I considered the proceeding altogether
werry suspicious and irregular, I followed, and see the prisoner take
the child to the station, jist as hif he vasent doin' nothing wrong, 'e
did; hif 'e'd a guy 'er a good cuff o' the 'ead ven she voz a-cryin' I
shouldn't a took no notice of 'em, hi shouldn't."
The worthy and enlightened magistrate, addressing the prisoner,
who seemed to feel his peculiar position, said, the case, without
doubt, was a bad one, it was really a most painful thing to see a
man of the prisoner's apparent respectability, and advanced period of
life, giving way to such acts of reprehensible indiscretion, he might
almost say, culpable immorality; it was most distressing to see that
venerable gray head standing in a felon's dock, but if a man would do
that which is wrong, he must not expect the darkness of night to
shield him; for the eyes of the law are ever watchful, and can see
wrong-doing as well in the dark as in the light, and the wrong-doer
must, when detected, take the consequences.
The prisoner here remarked that this was a most infamous pro-
ceeding, he had done nothing wrong, but, on the contrary, was per-
forming a simple act of charity towards a child that had lost its way
in the crowd, the police had acted with an unaccountable pig-headed-
ness and unheard of severity--
The magistrate here interrupted the prisoner in his intemperate
speech, saying, "Stop, stop! you must stop this! we can have nothing
said here against the police-these highly-intelligent, and useful pro-
tectors of our liberties, of our property, and, -and "-at this moment
a dense fog put the court in total darkness, and through the mist
faint sounds of human voices were heard, they seemed to say, dis-
charged-don't do it again-the severest penalty of the law." When
the mist "lifted" a little the old gentleman was not there, nor was
the little girl, but the worthy, enlightened, energetic W. M. looked
very fussy, and very red about the face.

STmxIV not, oh fool, to-day to borrow
The ills that may be thine to-morrow;
For evils small and evils great
He meets the best who best can wait.

For His Name's sake.
MR. LUSHINGTON, the senior magistrate at the Thames Police-court,
recently requested the police to warn the publicans against allowing
drunken men on their premises. We've heard of setting a thief to
catch a thief, and here is an instance of one Lushington looking after
his fellows.

The Unfair Sex.
MRS. PRALAMOP says she knew that in her young days there never
was a row without a woman being concerned in it, and now she sees
in the papers that the Emperor of Russia obtains a large portion of
his army from that shameless hussy Bess Arabia.

WHEN is an actor like Westminster Abbey F-When he has a
Big Ben.

VOL. Xxv.

6 FUN.

philanthropist, finished
the Christmas story he
was reading, and began to
muse with bland joy in
his face. "What a happy,
unselfish, benevolent, ge-
nial, bounteous, time:
Christmas-t is!" he
J thought. "How-' every-
body overflows withkind-
ness towards everybody
else." That's a beautiful
tale! That little bit about
the tradespeople opening
their hearts and insisting
on supplying everything
piito the poor gratis, is so
S touching and so true to
nature! Then that other
little bit about the miser
distributing his hoard
61' among twenty crossing-
sweepers because it was
Christmas has the air of
1 / fact! It's the spirit of the
season the spirit of
the Season the
SraRIr-of the--
SEASON. What a good,
merry old gentleman the
must be! I should like to shake hands with him if I could find him.
I will find him," he said suddenly, "and shake hands with him, and
get him to come and smoke a pipe!"
He got up at once, found his gaiters, mackintosh, and umbrella
(for it was Christmas weather), and went out to pursue his object.
He wandered straight to the part most abounding in shops, for he f It
sure that there he could not fail to come upon the Spirit of the Seuaon
in a very short time. He could not get on so fast to his goal as his
eagerness desired, because of the crowds of people in his way; and
there was one person in particular whom he could not pass, and who
would hinder him and elbow him. He was a very annoying
person, and when Mr. Smyler remonstrated with him for getting in
his way so obstinately, simply muttered, "Everyone for himself-
everyone for himself." As they got into the glare of gaslight from
the shops, Mr. Smyler turned to have a look at this worrying
individual, but could see nothing of his face with the exception of
his nose, which looked crafty and unprepossessing in the extreme.
Altogether Mr. Smyler could not help thinking that this person
appeared strangely out of harmony with the gay gaslights and the
holly and the Christmas presents and the genial and benevolent in-
scriptions in the shops. But Mr. Smyler could not get away from the
Person, and at length ceased to try. For the time, he forgot the
object of his search in watching the actions of the Person; he saw
him stop and enter into conversation with a grocer, and Mr. Smyler
saw, with unpleasant feelings, that a singularly mean and crafty
expression came over the face of the grocer when the Person
We can sell people any trash at Christmas time," whispered the
Person; eh, grocer? We can put all kinds of rubbish into those
pretty boxes with the pictures on the lids; we can make weight with
all kinds of rubbish now; people are bound to buy now; we can do
'em at Christmas time, eh P" And the grocer chuckled, and the
Person went and whispered to one tradesman after another, and over
the faces of all of them came that mean and crafty expression, as he
whispered, "We can put any amount of shot and offal into the geese
at Christmas time, can't we, poulterer?" He said, We must take
care to have in any number of bottles of poisonous imitations-poor
folks buy by the bottle at Christmas time, eh, publican ? and so on.
At last Mr. Smyler was so disgusted with this Person that he made a
dash for it, got away from the sight of him, and went home. He was
much depressed by what he had seen, and the worst of it was that he
had not carried out the object of his search; so he went to bed very
discontented. Next morning, as soon as he woke, he took up the
Christmas story book and drew great consolation from it. "I will
find the Spirit of the Season to-day," he said; and went out again
with his mackintosh and umbrella (for it was Christmas weather).
This time he made his way to the abodes of domestic circ'es, thinking
that perhaps he might have a better chance of finding the Spirit of
the Season there. In the midst of the very first family circle into
which he penetrated, he actually encountered that same unpleasant
person he had seen the night before. His forehead was exposed to

view now, and it was unmistakably stamped with the lines of dis-
content. The Person was whispering to the father of the family,
"Beastly time this Christmas! All bills-bills-bills, and poor
relations, and bores! I hate it!" Then.the Person went to the
mother of the family: "Nothing but worry, and Christmas, boxes,
and grumblings from papa at this time of year!" he said. Then Mr.
Smyler heard him go downstairs to the servantseandLwhisper, Work,
work! and turkeys, and puddings,,and cineema"ttifllbne's drivenmad.!.
Nothing but work'
With anotherransh Mr. Smylerrpti away again and fled totltha
haunts of those who are-ypung, and-freefrom anxieties, and courtbdd-
Here,; tany..rate;Ilshall find the Spiritof the Season," he thought.
Lyo! nwhemrarrivede:theiewaAsthat unpleasanttBerson whispering t.
young Jones thedabshingyandito Mis#fBrown; the belle. "Whatuax
wretched time Christmas is 1 All slow parties, and bores,,. and!
juveniles, and stuffing !" The mouthiof.ithe Person was visibletd-nmw,
and it was uncomfortably curled and'! cynical; and Mr. Smylerflid
once more. This time he went among the paupers of th'eI lind.
" They'll find themselves overwhelmed with Christmas bounties, and
will be grateful and contented, .so I must find the'sipirit'of the Season
among them," he thought. Then he came upon some miserable folks
huddled under a damp arch; and there was the Unpleasant. Person
actually whispering to them: Cold.and starvationxatlChristmas, and
everybody else feasting!" And Mr. Smyler could see'his eyes now,
and they were wild and haggard as if from privation. Now, for the
first time the Person noticed Mr. Smyler, and said, "Why do you
follow me about ?" "I don't," replied Mr. Smyler; "you haunt me.
I'm looking for the Spirit of the Season- ." "I am the Spirit of
the Season," said the Unpleasant One. "YOU! !! screamed Mr.
Smyler. You the genial party whose praises have been so often
written in Christmas stories! You the jovial spirit described by
Dickens and so many others! You!!!" "The same," said the
Person. I've a whole library of biographies of myself, all most
flattering. I often roar with laughter over them, but people believe
they're lifelike. Ta-ta! I've more visits to make," and the Person
disappeared. Can he possibly be the Spirit of the Season ?" mused
Mr. Smyler, as he sat by his fire again. "That sour, disconten--
but perhaps he has a better side. I might know him better if I could
have him to myself for half an hour. As for all the people I've been
among, a worse set of grumbling, swindling, sneering, whining
wretches--. There, I declare I begin to detest the very idea of
Christmas when it brings such a lot of confounded--." He stopped
suddenly and looked up. In a chair close to his elbow sat the Spirit
of the Season; he had him to himself at last!

THE following Memorandum has been sent on a P.C. to the
managers of the theatres under his lordship's control:-
1. In consequence of the present fire panic, managers are requested
to cover their stars with non-combustible wrappers, and discharge all
actors likely to set the Thames on fire.
2. The leaders of all bands are to be non-conductors.
3. No mention is to be made upon the stage of "old flames,"
fiery fathers," "firing up," burnt children," burning indigna-
tion," or "smoking embers."
4. All overheated imaginations to be watched by a fireman.
5. No theatre to be without a supply of dramatic critics ready to
throw cold water on the performance at a moment's notice. Flaming
critiques are strictly forbidden.
6. Mr. John Hollingshead to have the sole privilege of roasting
the Times critic alive. Mr. Chatterton's efforts in the same direction
to be pumped on by the Barry'sh engine.

A Pipe Opener.
THE statement that the great American hop-skip-and-jumper never
smokes is open to considerable doubt. Only the day after Sir John

Astley deposited the "thou" for the new match we heard that the
Yankee had been puffing his backer.

Soak Curious,
TWE present Lord Mayor is a wine merchant and Alderman of the
Ward of Portsoken. The present Lord Mayor not only represents
his ward but all Europe, for who will deny that at the present juncture
all Europe is Portesoken P

Waisting Away.
THAT great authority, the Queen, states that ladies' waists now
extend below the spine." The toast of the ladies is getting stale;
we shall be able to ring the changes upon it by proposing "our
anatomical atrocities" now.

[JAN. 3, 1877.

JAx. 3, 1877.] FU N. 7

Sosm parties are prone to affect the bassoon,
And others perform on the 'cello,
And some on the banjo-nanemanage a tune,
And some make the ophecleide bellow.
And many, I know, admiration express
For the modern harmonium,'s beauties,
Whilst others for flutes an asettion profess
(And a tidy invention the flute is).
I'm one of the folks with whom music agrees
(Though my parents with rage often bristle),
But I never practice'on any of these,-
1 play on the penny tin-whistle !
I daily'rehearse all my'favourite airs
Zilfodad's in a fit of -distraction,
,-A'dmit 'he could manageto throw me down stairs
'Twould cause him intense satisfaction.
But heedless of .all my relations may say.
I1 follow my-musical labours,
Thoujhlfdlly.convinced.that whenever I play
I'm certain'to stattle my neighbours.
But what do care thoughlthe -party next door
Sert my pa an indignant epistle ?
I'm determinedto fight, though I welter in gore,
In defenceo4fany'pennyitin-whistle!
All claseical-nusic my fancy discards,
Sondtas are cautions," I fear me,
But the Two Obadiahs and Mulligan Guards"
I'm "immense" at-by Jove, you should hear me !
In "Tommy make'Room for your Uncle" I shine-
'Twould-'awaken the heaviest dozer;
A fig'for Beethoven-he's out of my line,-
Besides, ie's a foreign composer!
I'm a Briton! -So, therefore, hurrah for the Rose !
Hurrah for'the Shamrock and Thistle'
Three cheers for our marvellous music-hall pro's,"
And hurrah for my penny tin-whistle!

THOUGH the eleventh exhibition of the Institute of Painters in
Water Colours is far above the average, and contains many
specimens of work that may be considered admirable, it might have
been still better had several gentlemen connected mqre or less directly
with this association but remembered what is due to their position and
the expectations formed therefrom. If eminent artists do not think it
beneath their dignity to accept honorary memberships, or if, in less
favourable days, the Institute was worth joining by those who have
since attained fame and fortune, it seems hardly right that it should
be forgotten now. Not only is every society bound to depend on its
strongest members, but those members are also in common fairness
bound to remember that something is required of them more than
their names in the catalogue, and that it is their duty to encourage
by every means in their power those younger men who occupy the
positions vacated by them some time ago, positions unfortunately
much nearer the base than the summit of that curious construction
best described as Popular Appreciation. This, which is often mis-
taken for Fame, is at times even more lucrative than the more
genuine article, it is possessed at times by those who are in a fair way
to obtain the other, and it is denied at times to those who are as sure
of obtaining the verdict of posterity as their at present more fortunate
brethren are of being forgotten as soon as passing whim or caprice has
run itself to the standstill which is ever its natural ending sooner or
later. But however this may be, the fact remains the same that those
who have linked themselves with an institution in any way, and who
are in a position to make the exhibitions of that institution better or
more remunerative than they would otherwise be, should remember
that there are duties pertaining to greatness other than those merely
of a pleasurable nature.
We have been led into making the foregoing remarks, and have
already used up nearly all the space allotted to this notice, not because
the exhibition falls in any way short of what we expected, but because
the names which are most attractive upon the first page of the
catalogue, and which would be encouraging company to younger
artists and give additional prestige to the exhibition, are noticeably
absent from the walls. There is, however, much attractive metal
without the great guns, and in the case of one of them who does
compete, Mr. E. M. Ward, R.A., the unknowns shine considerably by
comparison. Towneley Green has some small pictures containing a lot
of work; the best of these is The Captain's Daughters" (30). Near
this is "The Flower of the Flock" (44), by H. B. Roberts. whose
humorous fanny is slan well displayed in "Doc'oring Old Time" (170).

A. C. Gow's Jacobite Rendezvous" (67) is well conceived but hard
in treatment; but Aumonier's landscape next door, Spring (68), it
would be hard to find fault with. J. D. Linton sends some noticeable
work. Here is The Song" (76), but this does him nothing like the
justice which is his due on account of "The Huguenot" (214).
Passing Aumonier's Fishing Village" (81), we come to G. G.
Kilburne's "Pigeons of St. Mark's," a study of animal, human, and
still life which we heartily commend to all visitors. H. Herkomer's
pictures are both numerous and noticeable; one called "Evening in the
Alps (111) reminds us much of the famous representatively round-
about quatrain-
While many a merry tale and many a song
Cheer'd the rough road.-we wished the rough road long.
The rough road then returning in a round
Mock'd our impatient steps, for all was fairy ground.
Mr. Herkomer's travellers have the advantage of a semi-circular
saw and a patent revolving sky as-well. One of the best specimens
of work in the show is The Old Town of Rye by C. E. Hollowav
(160), and equally worthy of attention is Small's "At the Draw-well"
(233). It is a difficult task to decide which of 0. Green's has prior
claim. His Street -Musician (246) is characteristic and correct to
the life; but our original love for Little Nell and admiration 6f Quilp,
with the:knowledge that Codlin's the friend, not 'Short," 'incline us
more perhaps than we are aware to Quilp's Wharf" (301) and
"Nell and Her Grandfather in the Churchyard (828). The best
thing would be to take the three. In A Letter to Phillis" (260) 8.
Lucas has caught the exact set of the stiff old-style material'worn by the
writer of -the letter. It might be as well to wonder here'whatbmay be the
feelings of a painstaking and careful artist, who has tAkenwthe trouble
to be exactly correct, when he finds his very correctness the ground of
assault from an ignorant or prejudiced writer-to use the term critic
would be a degradation of fair and honest criticism. E. H. Fahey's
"Maid of; the Mill" (259) is his best sample, and E. J. Gregory's
solitary contribution, "A Stitch in Time" (325), will not bslie a
hard-earnt reputation. Here 'we must stop, no matter how
unwillingly, with the assurance that these are but a selection 'from
many really good pictures which we should be glad to name in-full,
were:it not that we have already run to much greater length than is
either usual or intentional with us.

WssroN's walk at the Agricultural Hall seems to have been good
for something besides gate-money, and judges paid so much a day
by the pedestrian himself to record the rate at which he was pro-
gressing. It seems, if the Evening Standard is to be believed, that
the penny-a-liners got their Christmas dinners and many a drink out
of the "trial of endurance." Not that our matronly contemporary
says so in so many words. No; she would not be so personal; or,
for the matter of that, so original. But the fact shows through when
we read, in a description of this sporting" event, of "the walls
whose bright cheeks match the berries that glisten among the dark
green leaves." The only cheeks that could do this would to our
thinking be the "cheeks "'of a red-hot stove; but then no one
will blame a man who "cheeks" it to turn an extra penny this
way; and no one will grudge him the penny. When, however,
after a little more rhapsody of the same sort and syntax we come upon
what follows, we feel that even a high Tory joke may go too far even at
Christmas time: "Bat we must return to the bird of dawning that
walketh all night long." There are, indeed, strange birds about just
now, but the strangest of all must surely be those engaged to be
Conservative of Lindley Murray and common sense upon our "largest

THE Sick Man ceases to be sick,
He's safe at last from the designing Rooshan ;"
Just when life's candle flickered to the wick,
They've given him a brand-new Constitution.
His policy at once the foe retrims,
And now goes in for cutting off his limbs.

Poetic Parse-time.
THE Daily News has harrowed up the quills of Cowper's admirers
by stating that the poet said, speaking of the bashfulness of Parlia-
mentary orators, that it's presages always comes to pass." And
a very pretty pass too they seem to have comes to! But let it parse!

In the Ring.
A GRAND representation of "the Conference" is advertised to take
place nightly in Sanger's pantomime. The scene is out of place. It
should come earlier in the evening, and in the circus, as a great trick

8 FUN.

JAN. 3, 1877.

Sarah:-"NUFFiN, MIss; NE'ER A BIT."

PERENNIAL THEATRE. 20,000th performance of Our Kid. In
consequence of the increasing age and infirmity of the original
representatives, the management is reluctantly compelled to announce
the last five years.
OH-VERY-LIMPIc THEATRE. Whi Shootum. Special engagement of
the Red Indian Scalpers. Spotted Blue Nose will scalp his Equaw at
9.45 every evening. Squaw S. B. N. will tomahawk her husband at
10. Master Tommy Blue Nose will put his father's eye out with a
poisoned arrow at 10.15. The weapons from the manufactory of
Messrs. Bogus, Tinsel, and Brass, Birmingham. N.B.-Shakespeare
unavoidably postponed in consequence of great success of above.
DREARY ALLEY THEATRE. Boucicault is 'another.' The Times
critic is one also. Managerial manifestoes kept on the premises.
Prices as usual. Revival of the great drama, To the Public; or, the Love
of Ink."
ROYAL ORIGINAL THEATRE. New and entirely original revival of the
famous farce, Much Ado about Nothinq. New and completely and
entirely original production of a perfectly new and original burlesque.
(The new and original title "burlesque" is copyright.) New and
entirely original company under highly original management. Original
carriages may be ordered at the new and entirely original hour of
eleven. The original performance greeted with new and original
laughter and applause every new and original evening.
ROYAL TRAGEDY THEATRE. In consequence of the great success
of the performances, the public is respectfully informed that the exits,
fourteen in number, are always kept open, and the audience can
leave at any moment.

Turkish Note.
THE sacred law of Turkey is called the Cheri. Capital name for it.
Porte and Cheri go so well together.

1. Should be able to made his language as vague and unintelligible
as possible.
2. Should not have been brought up as a gentleman, and must be
accustomed to do all sorts of drudgery and hack work, such as cleaning
his editor's wife's boots, &c.
3. Must be well up in vindictive epithets and vulgar personal abuse.
4. Must not be afraid to slate deceased artists; in fact, should be
able even to Anathema 'em if required.
Apply to the Society for the Propagation of Sour Grapes and Un-
digested Results.
A Disinfectant.
A WEEKLY newspaper wishes to know why a newsvendor with an
exceptionally large business connection should have the power of
declining to sell any particular journal to which he may take
exception. We in turn might ask how a man on a generally clever
and well-conducted paper should have the power of asking this and
other idiotic questions, unrelieved by a scintillation of wit or wisdom.
After the lamentable failure of a Society which is supposed to be for
the Suppression of Vice, which is represented by a person who does not
know the "entitled" portion of a book from that of its writer, and
which attacks great and glorious classics, while garbage of the foulest.
kind is allowed to heap itself upon our bookstalls unheeded of the
powers that be,-while things are as they are, it would be indeed
well if the chief newsvendors and similar firms would act as represen-
tatives of an unwritten law of decency and decorum. To ourselves
it eeems extraordinary that any journalist should be found on any
respectable journal to object to action which must lead to the
ultimate suppression of a fast-growing nuisance, a new style" which
has never once been clever, been clever, but has in every possible instance and
en every available opportunity been both foul and filthy.

[JAw. 3, 1877.

_ 'TJN.-JANUARY 3, 1877.

'{_ N V, Lil'ES





JAN. 3, 1877.]


GATHER round; my noble readers,
Hearken to my little lay;
Mind you're all attentive heeders,
Profit well by what I say.
With your gracious condescension,
January's charms I'd mention.
Many surly folks abuse her,
Nay, by some she's roundly curst;
Many vow they're glad to lose her,
Pleased when comes the thirty-first.
Treating her with scorn is folly-
January's often jolly."
January always nurses
Tenderly the infant year;
Shows him how to bear reverses,
Trains him for his brief career.
And, ere wisdom fills his noddle,
Teaches. him to talk and toddle!
January- briiggs-us pleasures,
Look at Twelfth-cake day, to wit!
Fraughtzwithduun; and sugar treasures-
That's a treatyou'.ll all admit.
Then again, our hearts elating,
Frequently she grantsus skating!
January, let us thank you,
Really you deserve our praise,
Kindest month of all we rank you-
Please to spend your leisure days
Teaching us through life to steer well-
Grant we all may start the year well!

A la Carte.
Asowe the items of education arranged for at a
young! ladies' school in Dorset, we see advertised a
" g9od:spring carte suitable for a baker." The pupils of
thiaeestablishment are doubtless, without this evidence,
suffi-iently., well-bread;. and yet it will be generally
adinitted t-iat, ladies are -as a rule known by their
"' carriage," and not by. their cart, no matter whether
sprmigamnmer, autumn or winter.

(janrtAraiiserviewed at Dartmoor. He is suffering from boils on
thenmei andibegs for a commissionof inquiry. Not much reaEon ior
inquiry.aw to how.these boils' came. They are evidently the natural
outcome-ofthe bubble reputation having boiled over. = Baron de
Worms comes forth on the side of Turkey. He will be on the other
side presently in natural course. Everyone knows that even Worms
will turn." = A Mr. Lambert D'Arc sentenced to four months "with"
at Manchester, for keeping an immoralexhibition without a licence,
in contravention, of the statute." This, seemswhard on the licenser;
but then, why didn't. he and the othernulprit keep it D'Aro, as well
as commence it? = Her Majesty is to open. Parliament in person.
And in semi-state as well, the extra cost of a full show being balanced
by the price paid for Dizzy's new cloak. and coronet, which are being
made to measure of the best.,materials,.and will be sent home by the
day. But suppose' they happen- teo be -late.! What a retribution! =
Patter singer.-obtains an injunction againstlipeople for singing his
song without pernnissien. Legal thunder-andt ths smallest of very
small beer. Patteromage extraordinary. ,'English cricket team in
Australia beats.,theeleven of Gouldbbins New. phase of an old saw:
'Tis not all Gboldbumrnthat glitters-and notcquite eleven of it that
shines. = Marquisrof: Northamptomusigns the pledge. This makes
him a peer of'the-firstewater, though onlyof:the second rank. = Lord
Chesham;promisesetb refund his, tenants one:alf Ihe School Board
rate, whatever itt may be. Ohesham seems to be quite the

A Friendiin Deed.
Tan City. Press states that at;at dinner recently, given on behalf of
the Commercial Travellers' Scheols, "the. subscriptions announced
reachedithe- large sum, of between 16,000 and 17,000, of which
1,400 came from Leeds alone." Then, after all that has been
written, and said against the practice, Friendly Leeds may, yet be
found very useful in raising the wind.

Old Jorkins (who is a martyr to rheumatics) :-" Au, INDEED PaieM
somTs!" [Oreaks, andexit.

I AM far from the land where my home is located,
For the Devonshire hills are some distance from town;
I am roaming the country, and fancy its fated
The snow will at last condescend to come down.
In the creeks at my feet the wild sea dashes white in,
Each moment the wind in intensity gains ;
'Tis a scene for the Londoners' heart to delight in,
When viewed from a bank in the Devonshire Lanes.
The hedgerows are set with the crystals of winter,
And ripehberries hiding fromgay-feathered thieves;
The hand 'of December, the vigorous tinter,
Has browned and encarmined the exquisite leaves,
If the poet is freshl,,with the ink on his fingers,
From tyrants.who force him to harass his brains,
'What wonderhasighs as he lovingly lingers
To gaze ontheibeauty of Devonshire Lanes ?
Oh, here could Ipass an enchanted existence,
Away from.thewevil.behaviour of men,
The fields at my feetiand the sea in the distance,
A poet no longer the'slave of his pen.
The music of birds in the trees that surround me
Would gladden my banquet of herbs with their strains;
I'll accept the retreat that kind nature has found me,
And build me a hut in the Devonshire Lanes.
See the clouds overhead, how they scud and commingle,
The beautiful flakes are beginning to fall;
The cheek of the poet commences to tingle
When cut by the snow in a Devonshire squall.
It is miles to a village- the sign-posts are hidden,
And night o'er the landscape now rapidly gains.
If his language is strong, can the poet be chidden,
Who's lost in a snow-storm in Devonshire Lanes F

12 FUN. [JAN. 3, 1877.


"'Shure you 've made solemn determination not to toush anotherr drop 'toxicatin liquor. D'ahastrous

" There-I will not eat so much next Christmas."

" This is very careless of me! I'm positively determined to take
more care of myself in the future."

"I give in this time, my love, but next year I really must-ahem I with all
respect-insist upon being master."

ARM^- ~-^s\M\

" Netmng on earthishall prevent my turning over anew leaf after this."

JAN. 3, 1877.]


I NEVER could make out when reading the papers, after a brutal
murder committed now and again in open daylight, how it was that
the bystanders permitted it. I have read how a man came suddenly
out of a house with a blunderbuss in one hand, a revolving rifle in the
other, and a bowie knife in his teeth, with a cutlass and double-
barrelled horse marine pistols in his belt; and my blood has boiled to
think that the populace has stood fooling around while such a mis-
creant as this accomplished his fell purpose. I have felt indignation
take possession of my soul, and my manhood has swelled within me
until the very buttons burst upon my boots and my hats tightened
visibly upon my head. r
Why should the bystanders, Englishmen and fathers, stand by and
see an atrocious act committed? Why should they, knowing that
they had right upon their side, see a brutal and ferocious scoundrel
wreak his dire revenge upon a defenceless female? The consciousness
of a good cause should have impelled them on; they would have surely
foundthat right is better.than-arevolverse and.thatran.earnest effort to
succour' the weak is able to set even" gunpowder at- dflance. Why
should cruelty be allowed.to reign supreme inr our midst-while stalwart
men walk. amongst us:anditheage of chival]ryis not indeed.departed
Some of the foregoing,'sentences are, I will admit; choice- flowers
culled from, the letters I have.-fron time to time-written to the leading,
journal, and its gentlemanly: evening: contemporary, the Toned-down
Tuppercny, on the subjectof street.outrages and brutaloattaeks~ which
every day seem to becomeamore common and more- unnoticed. ir our
midst. I saw not very. long ago in the papers that f0urruffians armed
with bludgeons and life-preservers set upon a policeman and, spite of
his cries and entreaties, left him for nearly dead upon the wayside,
while those who might have prevented them hurriedly to their homes
and pretended neither to see' the dastardly assault nor to hear the
victim's shrieks. A day or two after I encountered'duringho perusal of
my favourite journal 'an account of a garotte robbery which ended in
the victim's not only losing his watch and purse, but half an ear and a
great portion of one whisker, in a populous thoroughfare and open
daylight at one of our chief commercial centres of the midland
counties. These were by no means exceptional incidents, and at such
a moment the indignation I have already referred to would take
possession of my mind and nerve my pen to the duty which devolved
upon me not only as a true man, but as a man of courage, a Briton, a
father, and one who was not afraid.
Under these various signatures I have written letters to the journals
mentioned, and have shown how cruelty-and cowardice might be
entirely abrogated if men would be only true to themselves and to
each other. Mr. Editor, you may-have seen those letters, and will be
prepared to admit they have done an infinity of good. If the sarcastic
power with which genius has gifted me led at any time to too great
severity upon the cowards and curlike hounds who now and again
stand by and do not interfere in the cause of justice and of bravery,
perhaps it will be allowed that the natural indignation of 'a good man
and true is a thing only too easily condoned by even the most critical
and the usually most satirically severe. (See, previous letters in the
leading journal.)
Quite recently, when the intelligence of the deplorable fire at a
Brooklyn theatre, and the consequent panic, reached here, I was
again amazed at the mass of gross and intolerable dastardy which
must have accumulated itself within the building, and the only satis-
faction which came to assist me in the midst of my dread indignation
was the feeling that folks who could bring themselves to such a pitch
of frantic cowardice, simply because the place was in flames, deserved
to die the death, if only for the 'purpose of encouraging the others.
Then I sat down and wrote my most famous letter on the subject of
panics and how they should best be avoided.
"Sir," I said, in this my latest and my best effusion, "there is
reason now that everyone should do his best to prevent a recurrence
of the cowardly and in reality cruel epidemic which is generally known
as panic in theatres during a time of fire. Myself, I have no feeling
in common with the miserable wretches who trample upon the fallen
until they themselves are in turn trodden down and disfigured, if not
killed outright, and I feel now, as I write, that were the burningest
and brightest of flames behind me, I would rather perish than rush
forward and cause a lady the slightest inconvenience. But as every-
one is not as I am, and as inconveniences must arise, I will propose,
sir, that something be done in the event of fire breaking out in any of
our theatres. The proposition that there shall be outlets all over a
house, so that it can be cleared in five minutes, I take to be as absurd
as it is impossible, for in a panic I feel sure the public would not
avail themselves of the change, but would run in the exactly con-
trary direction to that which is right, with the perversity usual among
poor common humanity-using the word common advisedly. I will
therefore submit that three or four persons of known bravery and
determination, including myself as leader of the contingent of courage,

shall be appointed at salaries from Government of 1,000 a year each,
and double that amount for me as captain, to be present on each
occasion of a fire at a theatre, for the purpose of encouraging heroic
effort and inspiring confidence by voice and gesture. Each member
of the corps to have a fire-proof dress, a cocked hat, and a speaking
trumpet, and the actual and responsible lessee to give due notice of
what is expected, so that no official shall come unprepared."
Having Written this, and full of the strength and confidence which
always come of inspiring these two great qualities in others, I thought,
while awaiting the offer from the Home Office which was sure to
follow, I would take a stroll and look around. Who knows,"
thought I, mayhap the adventure I have I have so long desired may come
at this very moment!" And so it did. I had not walked far, when
I saw a half-drunken costermonger compelling his wife to carry a
heavy load, and my soul as usual rebelled at the sight. He was also
making use of bad language, and what was still more intolerable, he
called an apparently very respectable policeman by an opprobrious-
epithet as he passed by. Hastening on, and anxious to at last put:
what had as yet been but theory into absolute- practice, I- overtook:"
the costermonger, who was lounging alongwhilngthe bearer of the
'burden drooped.under it, and called upon him-t to p p.
"Fellow!" said, I, "take that load, and all6wyour wife to go
unsaddled, you contemptible beast and pitiable scoundrel, oridread the
weight of my displeasure. And: you, my good" woman, go your
future ways in peace, and: be-thankful there is at' leas.one man ir
this world.who dares: to interfere in the cause of humanity and the
female sex."
Alis, for- blackguardism and base ingratitude! The brutal
miscreant turned suddenly round and in an instant assaulted me with
blows and words. And what is worse, his female, shrieking Good
woman, indeed!" rushed at me and tore me tooth and nail. Tlen
the pair ran away and left me helpless and bleeding, and shortly
afterwards the very policeman whose cause I had espoused took me ini
custody, and I write this in the cell where I sit charged with being
drunk and riotous, and evidently incapable of any furheer feeling but
that which I used to consider most abject cowardice.
And maybe even better men than I have found their best intentions
fail at the most critical moment-that is, at the moment when
criticism ends and real action commences.

COME in New Year and wipe your feet,
And shake the snow that's clinging,
I'm glad the little man to meet
For whom the bells are ringing.
You bow your head, and smirk and smile,
And squeeze my hand the tighter;
Your honest eyes look free from guile,
You could not be politer.
I know the words your lips would form,
I've heard the greeting often-
"I come as sunshine after storm,
Your recent blows to soften."
Bah, foolish boy, you'll learn to strike,
Or e'er your boyhood mellows;
The years, alas! are all alike-
A band of wicked fellows.

IN anticipation of a speedy settlement of the Eastern Question, our
enterprising contemporaries are maturing their plans for 1877. The
following are in a forward state:-
The Taily Delegraph will send a special to Jamaica to work up Mrs.
Cox and the Bravo case again.
The Rfaily Dews will have a special commissioner in Ireland to ferret
out the atrocities committed by the English upon the native peasantry.
The Storaning Mandard having discovered that one of their minor
writers is Irish on his father's side only, will discharge him and
engage the genuine article.
The Gall Pall Mazette has engaged Mr. Earles Cheed, the eminent
novelist, to write about himself and find a few heroes capable of
culmination in a Scotch lawsuit, at 4d. a syllable.
The Porning Most will content itself with a couple of poems in verse
by the Earl of Winchilsea and a short story by Viscount Maidstone.
Fun-well, wait and see.

An Impressive Ceremony.
THE proclamation of the Empress of India at Delhi which has just
taken place is the great mistake of the century. It is an Ind Delhible

14 FUN.


WE have been requested by the Fine Arts Society to say that in
consequence of the immense demand for The Shepherd of Jerusalem,"
copies cannot be issued to subscribers until a fortnight after each
application. We think it due to ourselves and our readers to say we
have no connection with this venture beyond that which ordinarily
exists between a journal and its advertisers.
The Pictorial World Christmas Number should do much to enhance
the reputation of this unique periodical.
The Entr'acte issues an Annual that is of both the clever and the
" comique" kind.
The Operatic and Dramatic Album "extra has six good portraits,
the best being those of Miss Heath and Miss Rachel Sanger.
The History of the Pianoforte, by Edgar Brinsmead, is well written
and exhaustive.
Fun enters on the 32nd volume of a no less useful than i interesting
and highly ornamental career.

Hang it I
BROWN meeting Jones, his friend, and seeing him look very miser-
able, said, Hullo, old man, why you've a face just fit for a funeral!"
" So I ought to have," replied Jones, considering I've just had an
execution in my house."

First Sister : Oh, Maggie, how many Christmas cards have you
had this morning ? "
Second Sister: "Only fourteen, and I want to send sixteen away.
Isn't it tiresome ? Now I shall have to buy two."
First Sister : We must mix 'em about well or else we shall send
some folks their own back again."

Divided Intelligence.
EACH quarter of the globe has furnished the press lately with a
subject for discussion and comment. Abroad we have the Great
Eastern question, in the L.w Courts the Great Sothern question, at
Hitchin the Great Northern question, and at Islington the Great
Weston question.


Now Ready, the Thirty-First Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 8d.,; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. Od. each.


This Picture will be delivered within about a fortnight of the date of application. The immense number of orders now on hand will
necessitate a delay of from two to three weeks.
No copies will be sent without the coupon which appeared in last week's FUN." L. FREMONT, Hon. Sec.
FINE ARTS SOCIETY, 31, Paternoster-row, London, E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.O.-Loon, January 3, 1877.

JAN. 10, 1877.]


THE Mayor of
Liverpool presents
the Mayor of Liver-
pool with a
"jewelled badge for
the use of the Mayors
of Liverpool on
private occasions."
The Town Council
of Liverpool thank
the Mayor of Liver-
pool for his gift. The
only thing we have
been able to make of
this so far is that
the Mayor of Liver-
pool's name is
Walker! = Coster-
mongers' "treat" in
Somers Town. "At
the close of pro-
ceedings everyone
received a mince pie
and a magazine."
Now, if they'd re-
ceived two mince
pies and a magazine
each they might
have sandwiched the
lot and so have swal-
lowed it easily. As
it was, alliteration
must have been but a
poor practical
assistance. = Gen-
tleman who had
three fierce dogs left
in his charge thought
it best not to feed
them until they were
thoroughly hungry.
And now he and
other humanitarians
grumble because
they helped them-
selves before he was
ready or the part
selected was properly
cut off and cooked.
= Sheffield daily
informs its readers
that it "is not a
comic paper." And
certainly not a
satirical one-if this
is it's notion of
satire. --= Dr. Peter-
mann, a learned
German and geo-
grapher, writes to
the K6lnische Zeituvg
to say that his
remembrances of
London are very
pleasant and that his
mind is much at-
tached to the great
English capital.

GraL ?"

That's because his
body isn't. He
should try South
Lambeth, or the
Seven Dials. = Old
lady in Paris leaves
85,000 francs for
the purpose of
founding an
asylum for "unfor-
tunate dogs and
horses." We should
propose it be called
the Bowwower of
chevalric hip-hippo-
rappiness. = Pro-
phetic almanac
monger boasts that
he predicted the
burning of the
Brooklyn Theatre.
The proper way to
honour this prophet
would be to give him
twelve months for
not preventing it.
= Statistician an-
nounces that there
were nearly three
thousand aban-
doned infants" in
Paris last year.
They are a precocious
lot, our neighbours!
= Alderman Lusk
sentences a "hard-
working chap" to
twenty-one days as
a rogue and vaga-
bond. His Worship
forgot how dis-
couraging this must
be, and how little
likely this "chap "
will be to value a
reputation for "hard
I work" in the

Knocks and
AN interesting
argument took place
the other day at
Hammersmith be-
tween Mr. Paget and
some policemen, as
to what wood a staff,
which had been
broken over a de-
fendant's head, was
made of. Singularly
enough, no one
thought of asking
what wood the head
was made of. And
yetit must havebeen
of density sufficient
to commend itself
very considerably to
the magisterlallmind.

I HATE Burlesques, but I abhor
Elastic ones the most,
Where actors clown to get a roar,
And art gives up the ghost.
Tell Told Again I've seen, and say
Its title's chosen well:
Poor William sure has had his day,
And now they've told his knell.

Un souffle de vent."
SOMEBODY writes to know how it is one particular French-English
and English-French dictionary has been so highly praised by some
portions of the press. As we have been for nearly twenty years
trying to discover what it is that governs the principle of criticism in
certain influential quarters, without the least success, we can make no
better answer to our correspondent than the somewhat suggestive one
that the name of the author of the book is Bellows.

MOTTO FOR A NEW WEEKLY.-" You may go further, and Mayfair
worse." And that's Truth.




I EEAD a little book the other day
Of theory and logical deduction;
I ignorantly scorned, I'm bound to say,
Its learned philosophical instruction:
And when I, reading, noticed it to speak
In terms of unmistakable decision
Of how the world must end on Thursday week,
I sniggered to myself with much derision.
My stolid love for facts was unrelieved
By fancy for deductive speculation;
No theory, however well conceived,
Possessed for me the slightestlascination.
I thought that Fancy, though combined with tact
(I hugged this doctrine hard and.used.to spout it),
Was impotent in controverting Fact-
Which only shows how much I knew about it'!
But ere I'd put the matter off my hands,
I somehow came to find myself astray in
A specimen of those fantastic lands
I do occasionally lose my way in:
Old Time apparently had thought it wise
To turn again some long forgotten pages,
And (let me own, with something of surprise)
I found myself in pre-historic ages.
A pre-historic people filled the land-
A roughish lot, not burdened with instruction-
Who welcomed me among them, out of hand,
Without formalities of introduction;
And I-I proudly felt myself to be
Superior to them in information,
Well knowing future ages, known to me,
Would be to them a theme for speculation.
I inly burned to mingled in the strife
Of theory and fact antagonistic,
And crush their little fancies out of life
With ponderous and well-arrranged statistic.
Had any said my facts could any jot
By theoretic argument be shaken,
I should have dubbed him blockhead on the spot-
Which proves how much I must have been mistaken !
But when for the r instruction I unfurled
(Impelled by argumentative intentions)
The many wonders of our modern world,
And all the manufactures aLd inventions
With which the earth is glutted far and wide,-
With calmly-irrepressible persistence
Those pre historic savages denied
The possibility of their existence!
I showed my clothes ; they answered me with scorn
(And proved the thing with argument far-seeing)
That clothe s could never possibly be worn
In any way by any human being.
They proved incontrovertibly to me
That I was under gross misapprehension,
And showed my tangible attire to be
A figment of my brain-a pure invention!
They felt my watch-they heard it tick-but no!
They pr ved, without a break in demonstration,
That such a thing could not be made to go,
And only lived in my imagination.

[JAN. 10, 1877.

They proved my very waistcoat buttons but
A groundless and impalpable delusion-
My formerly-conceited mouth was shut
In blank and ignominious confusion.
"And Government!" they chuckled, much amused;
"A man at liberty to rule his brother !-
Why, such authority would be abused,
And men would be oppressing one another!"
And though (convinced how little they had seen
Of human ways) with indignation flushing,
I showed them such abuse had never been,
I spoke in vain. Their arguments were crushing,
I fled the pre-historic land. I woke.
My state of mind was terribly confusing;
No longer I regarded as a joke
The learned little book I'd been perusing.
I see reality has little weight,
And logical deduction can pooh-pooh it:
That Theory alone is truly great,
And unpretending Fact is nothing to it.

AN investigation has been ordered by the Lords of the Admiralty,
and we are at some more or less distant date to learn who is answerable
for the scurvy from which our sailors suffered out in the Polar regions.
That "somebody blundered" there can be no reasonable doubt, but
won't it be rather awkward if it turns out that the somebody is a
somebody who has been honoured to a degree since his return ? If the
inquiry had been made first and the inculpated person or persons then
honoured, there would have been nothing to wonder at; but under
existei.t arrangements the action of authority will be more noticeable
than the action of authority usually cares to be, or usually is when it
is Government authority, our Government authority especially.

A Cross View.
ON of the witnesses for the defence in a case wherein a paper-
collar maker was charged with assaulting a railway guard, stated
that deteLdant "had a defect in his eyesight which made him very
irritable under slight provocation." One reason for irritability is
doubtless as good as another, but we prefer that of the man who was
cross simply because his defective vision made him loak cross at
everything and think himself Boss of all creation.

CoNTERPORARY with the Times issuing its first number as a weekly
paper comes the intelligence of another startling journalistic innova-
tion. The Islington gazette will in future be published three times a
week. We tremble, whenever we have time, to think of what may
come of this gigantic struggle if it be only carried on to the bitter

The Good Cause.
A COLONIAL piper just to hand, the Dubbo Dispatch, informs its
readers that an elderly gentleman named Seeds has committed suicide,
and goes on to say that no cause is assigned." We should think a
very natural cause was that Seeds wanted to be "planted."

SIRp HENRY LAKE, the chief constable of Dublin, is instituting an
inquiry as to the best means of supplying theatres with wa'er in case
of fire. What would be better than Sir Henry himself on the
scene ? The proximity of a Lake would settle the difficulty at once.

A Coe-Incidence.
Wa are requested to contradict the report that in consequence of
the Lord Chamberlain's request that the corps damatiqus may be a
trained Fire Brigade, the stage managers will be kept in a suit of
black mail.

Making his Effort.
M. ALEXANDRE DUMAs has been ordered to pass the winter quietly
at Florence." The operation of getting by would probably have
attracted too much attention for the novelist's delicate nerves if per-
formed in Paris.
Oar Flow of Spirits.
PuBLic holidays in England. says a French contemporary, are
marred by the insobriety of tnau populace. Exactly. Our fete days
are our alco-holidays.

JAN. 10, 1877.]



** The Editor has much pleasure in presenting the following to
his readers. It is obtained from a thoroughly trustworthy and
exceptionally well-informed quarter, and should do much to allay the
present disquietude in the travelling public's mind concerning rail-
way calamities.

A RAILWAY accident in England and another in America, the news
of bothof which arrived attthe same time in London,.determiur d Mr.
WattMacStephenson Brunel to make another application to the
diretoarafAthe,-Son-'Sonthetn taliway-Company:for attrial of his new
Parent Acoidant Treveriterand CExtra D)ouble Developed Instantaneous
Stopper. Neither of thesenmidfortunes could possibly have, occurred,"
said he, "with my principles properly enforced, and >so,.espite :the
snubbing and, neglect which true genius always receivesat ,home,,and
whiohl-have -already encountered, I will make one mnrie Attempt to
benefit 'the railway companiesof my native country biforedlaying my
plansibefore.the Government~df a foreign Power." Embodying:these
sentiments and.manyanmore inia'fresh petition totthe -directorate,,he in
due course received a reply, .this time of a -rather -more hopeful
character than. heretofore.
The'Company had beguntowakle up to the fact that it was necessary
something should be done to- "limit the probability of Accidents within
proper'bounds "-the term iw-their own, not mine-and so, as after the
twoilatest and most lamentable occurrences they did not feel justified
in allowing any promising opportunity to pass untried, they had at
last arranged to allow Mr. Watt Mdaclitephenson Brunel a chance of
showing the advantages of his new Paterut Preventer, provided he
would deposit a sufficient amount to guarantee all plant and rolling
stock against actual damage, and pay all expenses accruing from the
As this was a step much further in the right direction Ahan Mr.
W. MacS. B. had in his wildest moments anticipated,aiL-a.s -he felt
sure in his own mind that no harm could arise to theirails or rolling
stock, while he was equally certain that he would no sooner have
proved the benefit of his invention than money and favours would
flow in from all quarters, he accepted the terms, and in due course
attended on the Board in accordance with their own appointment. A
vile attempt was made to smuggle him out of the way oy the crowd of
inventors always hanging about railway head-quarters anxious for a
trial, and he might have turned an honest penny at the last moment
by all -wing himself to be bought off in the int-rest of another dis-
coverer. Heedless alike of their temptations and their -subsequent
hustlings, blows, and cries, our hero persevered, and at last stood some-
what hot and abashed, with torn clothes and a black eye or so, but
dauntless still and eager, before-the directorate of the greatest of oUTr
great trunk railways. -Afewvmoments to collect the notions-scattered
in the -struggle with -the other inventors, still to be Aleard howling
without, a-nd:thenheo.spke briefly-and to the purpose.
"IMy only object,igentlemen,;"he-aaid, "is to'beneft immanity and
improve your railway. veryonewho reads the.papeas -mast know
that in most railway accidents, arid ;in the .two very latest, danger
would be avoidediif the train iouon be-brought itoa:full and -sudden
stop, as in the event of a collision, or'if it could be made to overleap
an obstacle, as in the case of a broken bridge, an unexpected chasm,
or a landslip. By profession a journalist, I was until recently engaged
on a paper of immense repute and unending circulatim, to write the,
agonisers on battle, murder, railway accident, and sudden death; -and
so I need not enter further into my qualification to teach this -or any
other Board its business." (" Hear, hear," and much enthusiasm )
Not to trouble my readers further with the ramifications of Mr.
Watt MacStephenson Brunel's address, I will say in brief that he had
gradually developed a machine which, attached to a railway train and
carefully directed, possessed most marvellous powers. It was, to my
thinking, a wonderful specimen of what may come of.conscientiousness
in journalism. At first the inventor 'had only endeavored :to save
himself from the opprobrium of writing of what he knew nothing
about, and so studied the subject carefully and in all its'bearings.
This is but usual among leader writers, who are never allowed to
suggest anything they have not tried themselves, especially on the
paper with which my friend was connected; but gradually the rail-
way subject overmastered him, and led to the existence of thelPatent.
Accident Preventer and Extra -Double Developed Instantaneous
There- could be-noidoubt of 'theifaet,-,s-shown by the model MacS.
B. hal 'brought with him, that not only could the longest train be
brought to a standstill in a moment, or as an irreverent director said,
in a jiffey, but, with the other pressure attached, could leave the.line
with all wheels lockedand skim the air for a distance not exceeding
440 yards, returning to its position on the up or down metals'within
that limit at the will of the guard or driver (whichever might happen
to have control of the apparatus) or both, as the case might
be. This was very justly considered to be the acme of inventive,

power, and was at the Board meeting applauded considerably, a day
being at once mentioned for a full-sized proper length trial on the
main line.
There happened a week before the appointed time to be an accident
to the tremendously deep viaduct which crosses thie Pigswash Valley,
and it wasearranged that the flying leap should ibe im4nde across the
opening at a height of over 600 feet. The gap was -about 100 yards
wide. A special train ran merrily from London, coming to a dead
stop every now and again when running at full speed, and skimming
the line occasionally, just to show the directors, who with their wives
and a few chosen guests had made this the occasion for an outing,
that there was no mistake in the-discovery. But strange toosay, when
the party arrived at the place where the real flying lepewas -,tobe
taken, first one and then another thought it would be better not -to
trammel the inventor with a full laden train, for fear of his
nerves 'failing him at the exact moment with suoh:a weight on -his
mind,tand so itwas arranged that he with only an engine.and tender
and a loodl pointsman, who had nothing to do but to obey orders, and
who was-not4told what he was wanted for till he wasas.fe on board,"
should give,.an exhibition while the directorate party.pienicked by the
side of the line.
One,'tworare you ready ? Then, off!" and the -engine giving-a
preliminary snort and a short run, flew into the air, and was half
across as the irreverent director said this time, in less than a jiffy.
Bat with the perversity peculiar Uto-Jabouring men when connected
with valuable inventions, the local assistant had in his agony turned
the wrong screw, and instead of setting his end of the jumping
apparatus in motion, had put on the Extra Double Developed Instan-
taneous Stopper. The result was that when the first half of the
calculated distance had been completed, in lieu of impetus from behind
there came sudden check. The engine gave a quiver and a shriek,
and struggled as though it would return; but 'twas too late, and down,
down to the bottom-of the Pigswash Valley Viaduct, buried twenty
ftet deep in a black-morass, went another sacrifice to zeal for the
safety of his brother men.
And there he lies with a ten-ton locomotive above him, and the
labouring man somewhere near; for the directors thought it better
to say nothing about the business, which had so far been strictly
private; but utilising MacS. B.'s deposit, ai. d making a small whipround
among themselves fur the hireaof another engine and pointsman, they
returned to town, having a ;jlly time by the way, and not one of
them thought it worth whilewto-dig up the apparatus and apply it to
trains himself. Such is the result of failure even in the midst of
,success, such the depressing effect of a plethora of life-saving

"For miles.the country, on -both baksdf.,theTiverThames,.is under water."
T.H- rain:it raineth every day "-
Alone-the waterproofer smiles;
T'erhaps the doctor too is gay,
Forihe must find the weather pay,
And bothrmay blessethe British Isles.
To all the rest'how dread-anit.drear,
The world all dripping, dull, and dank !
And City men in suburbs fear,
For Thames and Co.'s account, 'tis clear,
There's been a run upon the bank "

Not Wisely bat Well.
DR. RIC nRSON's City of Health is in a forward state-as far as
the designs go. These, we understand, have so admirably carried
out the medical enthusiast's ideas that a dying fly whrch fell upon
them in -the architect's office recovered immediately. The statement
that the Government-inteads toipass an Act forbidding Government
annuitants-to reside there-is contradicted.

Tie JDerby Mercury is distressed about the Derby police. "We
regret to say the conspicuous characteristic of the force is drunken-
ness." Here is a magnificent chance for Bond' to be beaten, Chamber-
lain to be crushed, and the liberty, of the- subject to 'be left unmolested.
Let the Derby Roberts arrest each other, and they will -arreAt

Straining them Out.
Maes. Stnme, lessee of 'the Ri'hnond Theatre, which is 100 years
old, has been refused a licence until he can-provyeit is perfectly safe
from fire. This is in the natural course of small things; but the
largest camels are more than ever likely to be swallowed after this
supreme effort.
"-SLEEPING PAaRTNES."-The:Puliman Bedroom Car Company.



- MEMAP(7 iL1/^~I <.^ Bs _A~,^,^.-^^s^^

" What I like about a residence in the Suburbs is the walks you can get, you know I"

" Now, here's a spot where you won't meet a soul for weeks together." ;" Don't blame the souls !" muttered Jones.)

" Positively won't go a step further, eh I Then let's have a pipe, ani stop here till it dries up a bit."

[JAw. 10, 1877.


F'TJN .- JANUARY 10, 1877.

/ '*1'


/ .'..


L IILL p' ui 71ii'' ,


[ THERE came a sudden, rushing cry of war.
The trump was startling loud, and thrilled afar ;
And nations furbished up their rusty arms,
Then words defiant to and fro were hurl'd
That scared the would be plodding, peaceful world,
And women quailed with fear and wild alarms.
We know there is a nation vast and strong
That lusts for war, or be it right or wrong,
To hurl with scorn a neighboring people down;
0 shall we now at home sit idly by,
And all unheeding hear the sufferer cry,
Whilenmight is sweeping on with dauntless frowns?
No! right is right where'er the cause may be !
Let justice now be giv'n in full, and free,
No backing down because the host is strong;
The time is past, and well that it is so,
When savage strength with reckless, ruthless blow
Shall sweep at will its wayward course along.
The brave old land that we, with honest pride,
Call Home" shall ever stand by honour's side,
Nor see the weak borne down by brutal sway;
The right we gladly help to hold their own
With our best blood and wealth, though bitter moan
May wring the heart when dawns the battle day.
Now we, with other States, send forth our brave
And wise in council, that they yet may save
The present time from bloody scenes of strife;
For we can never brook the cruel wrong
Of gross aggression, though the arm be strong,
Or barb'rous sacrifice of human life.
And should we see the gleaming sword once more;
The rifle primed, and hear the cannon roar-
See rapine follow close the battle-car !
Then fall the curse on him that lit the flame
That he might add, despite true honour's name,
New kingdoms to the Empire ofthe Czar.

Not to be 81-dered at.
THE 81-ton gun is cracked up the tube. The brethren
of the press have succeeded in their unpatriotic task too
well. They have been trying to crack it up for the last
-ever so long.

First Boy:-" MY EYE, BILL, what a Coat !"
(" Imimensikoff" subsides considerably.)

YEs, my dears, your brother is quite correct in the date. It was
early in the year 1877 that we lost our Indian Empire and sank into
political insignificance. Our conquest ani spoliation were cleverly
accomplished by a Russian politician, very famous at the time, named
Gortschakoff. You will find, my dears, if you refer to your history,
that at this time we were making ourselves very busy about Turkey,
a country mercifully washed out of Europe by heavy rains soon after-
wards-and secretly persuading them to fight Russia, although we
pretended to desire peace. Well, you must know that just at the close
of the year 1876, it was announced in all the papers that an un-
seaworthy gunboat had gone to Gibraltar on receipt of a hoaxing
telegram from a sportive wag in town. When GortEchakoff road this
and discovered the childish innocence of our officials, he sent his valet
to London with certain instructions. On the day following his arrival
in town all her Majesty's ships received a shilling telegram ordering
them to go to the Arctic regions, and not to return without the
North Pole. They got up steam and went. About the same time the
colonels of the various regiments in the United Kingdom received
shilling telegrams ordering them to take their troops instantly to the
Great Desert, and remain there till further instructions were for-
warded. And the troops shouldered their knapsacks and marched.
So now, my dear children, you can easily understand how it was
that when a month afterwards Russia demanded our Indian Empire,
and the homage of our Sovereign as a perpetual vassal, we were com-
pelled to yield without a struggle. Of course there was a great fuss
about it at first, when we discovered how shamefully our naval and
military authorities had been gulled, and the Telegraph came back to
Liberalism with a bound; but the Czar bad all journalists sent to
Siberia, and proceeded to have himself crowned Kaiser-i-Hind, with
double the number of elephants, rajahs, and horses that our Queen
had used, and quite treble the number that the Lord Mayor used to
borrow from Sanger's Circus.

Ah, my dears, it was a sad blow to our national pride to find that
our boasted ships and soldiers could be got rid of at the coat of a few
shillings; but I would advise you never to speak of it in public, for
the Russians occupying Middlesex and Surrey as a guarantee of our
good faith are half of them spies, and if we grumble, the magistrates,
who are all Russian agents with English names, will have us knouted.

RING out, glad chimea Another year
Has come to give us joy,
Has corn to bid us be of cheer,
And pay our bills, and never fear
That we shall spend a pleasant year
Without the least alloy.
Ring out, glad chimes! And tell us what
Will come ere many days.
Will peace maintain her place or not P
Will war be waged and battle hot ?
Will Ministers go out ? Say what
Will greet our anxious gaze!
Ring out, glad chimes! And let us know
If pestilence accurst,
Disease and death and workhouse woe,
And drik, the fellest fiend below,
Will hold their ground. Come, let us know;
Speak out, and say the worst.
Ring out, glad chimes! As sad and sweet
Upon the night you fall,
I hear, No bread for some to eat!
For others, death in open street!
In courts and alleys- Ah, how sweet;:-
Peace and goodwill to all !




JANu. 10y 1877.]

22 F UN.

[JAN. 10, 1877.

SCoNE: A street in Newcastle. Knoclckneed, splayfooted, down-in-the-mouthed British Workman, who has been keeping festival a little too much,
is creeping unwillingly along to resume his daily toil.
Boy:-"Ho! HO! WHAT A rAIR o' LIGS!" Workman:-"WHAT DOST SAY, LAD ?"

HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. The ballets at the Alhambra are, to use a word peculiar to the estab-
lishment, "immense."
THE Winter Exhibition at Burlington House of Old Masters and Fathers of families should patronise the morning pantomime at the
usceased British Artists should be considered a great boon by the Westminster Aquarium. They are likely to get a slice of enjoyment
picture-loving public. Differing entirely from the summer show, with for themselves as well as for their families. A contemporary states
which caprice has at least as much to do as merit, and in which there is that Mr. Cave deserves all credit for his exertions. We are glad to
often every element but that of greatness, the present Exhibition is say that the Aquarium business is not conducted upon this principle
one of paintings that have stood the test of time as well as of what in now, but depends for success upon the ready money system.
art it seems to be time's chief duty to subdue, current and cursory The pantomime at the Queen's is to be called Biorn; or, Harlequin
opinion. Even had we space it would smack too much of egotism to Sintram and Cpleman and his Companions. Seats shoAld be secured
commence recriticising works that have already over and over again at once.
been subject of the fiercest onslaught and the most beslavered Under this head we may fairly mention a new production, The
encomium. We shall simply advise our readers not to let an oppor- Graphic Theatrical Autograph Album. The first number is devoted to
tunity slip which could not occur but for the power and prestige of Hot Wtater, through which Mr. Charles Wyndham's head is seen strug-
our Royal Academy, whose committee has gathered together from gling appropriately enough at top like steam," his habit in everyday
various sources a collection almost priceless. In .addition to the plea- life.
sure derived from simply viewing these works as works of art, there is
much field for speculation as to how many of the great successes of
our own time will take their place in such selections in days to come, Ah Bas I
as well as how many of the paintings which are passed over almost SOMEONE advertises Ladies' clerical stockings for sale." Can
unnoticed now,-a speculation which has its rise as much in the actual this article be the elastic habiliments of curative tendencies disguised, or
history of the pictures now before us as in anything else we can think of. are they called clerical because it's incumbent upon every lady pastor
As it seems to have been generally admitted on all sides without prime to wear them? Shame on the traitor who would suggest that
consulting us that the pantomime of the season is to be found they are stockings of the holy order.
at Covent Garden, there is no necessity for our arguing out and insisting
on the fact, as we certainly should have done if anyone had expressed
half a doubt as to the superexcellence of Robinson Crusoe and his Ha'penny Humour.
realistic scenery. THE Echo commences an important article-that is, important for
At the Globe the attractions of Huntei Down are supplemented by the Echo-thus:-"' Unto all men cometh two things,' wrote Prince
another revival, that of The Invisible Prince, in which Miss Jennie Metternich." One of them, according to this, doesn't seem to be a
Lee will astonish all who have only seen her as Jo, no less than as Jo knowledge of the difference between sound and sense, so far as
she surprised all who had only seen her in parts similar to the one she Echonomy is concerned.
plays now. The rest of the company deserve the special mention they
do not get. NEW EaA n3 LEDG DERMAIN.-Tho Era Almanack for 1877.

JAN. 10, 1877.] F U N .

I FAIN would refer to an old-fashioned greeting
In vogue when the year's newly born,
And I venture to hope, when the phrase I'm repeating,
You'll not view it wholly with scorn.
So hearken awhile, and be reverent heeders-
For once pray suppose me sincere-
Believe me, wouldd give me great pleasure, dear readers,
To wish you a Happy New Year!
Oh generous friends, who have lent me full often
Your money, in moments of need;
Whose bounty has frequently helped me to soften
The troubles that Fortune decreed;-
Oh Tailor, to whom I'm indebted for raiment
(Whose bill I would willingly clear "),-
Kind friends, though I've nothing to offer in payment,
I wish you a Happy New Year!
Here's to you, oh my Landlady! Warm-hearted creature,
Your kindness shall ne'er be forgot,
Though now and again you are sombre of feature,
No wonder-I owe you a lot.
Good luck may enable me some day to square" you,
So, Landlady, be of good cheer!
But still, as at present I've nothing to spare you,
I wish you a Happy New Year !
(And last but not least, there is someone I'd mention
Possessed of a heart that can love,
I'd speak of her charms, but wouldd need the invention
Of Waller to picture my dove)-
Wee, true-hearted maiden, whene'er I caress you
All troubles and doubts disappear;
Well, I've nothing to say but a simple God bless you!"
And wish you a Happy New Year!

IT was a bleak, cold morning early in January, and the Earl of
Kentucky's pomatum was frozen so hard that he had to put it on his
head in a block, and pass a, hot iron over his hair before his locks
assumed that glossy appearance for which they were famous. It was
so cold that when the Earl met his guest, the Vice-Chancellor, at the
breakfast table, it took the two of them a quarter of an hour to break
the ice in the milk jug. It was so cold that the Earl, after blunting
the meat chopper on the butter, took the yellow iceberg in his hand
and hurld it out of the window, with an expression the warmth of
which would have melted it on any day but this.
How great events do hinge on little things! At the moment that
the butter was about to lose the velocity imparted to it by the hand of
its hurler, and, obeying the laws of gravitation, to fall to the ground,
it encountered an object which was being cast in the opposite
Now this object was the eye of the Marquis of Donnybrook, and
that eye was being cast in the direction of the mansion of the Earl for
the simple reason that its owner was looking for the front door.
And the antepenultimate result was a black eye, the penultimate
result was a row, and the ultimate result was a law suit-Donnybrook
versus Kentucky-which brings us to
"My friend," said the Vice-Chancellor to the Earl, as the wounded
Marquis, holding a beef-steak to his eye, rushed off to London to
commence his action, My friend, this will eventually come before
me. Under the new Act assaults with butter fall into the Chancery
division. The claim for damages will be enormous."
"Old Cock," replied the Earl, pliing the Vice playfully on the
cheek with the chopper, I shall rely upon your good offices then."
"Shall you ? What did that young man come here for "
"For my daughter's hand and dowry."
I guessed as much; this accident then, will leave her free and her
fortune too."
"Your Vice's logical mind puts it correctly."
"Then let 'em be mine on condition you win the case, and I'll take
care that you do."
"Agreed," cried the Earl, with a Satanic glance at the portraits of
his ancestors; "the compact is an unholy one, and suits my humour
well." And this brings us to
"In the case of Donnybrook versus Kentucky," said the Vice-
Chancellor, addressing the bar, "it seems to me that as the window
was the Earl's and the butter was- the Earl's, he had a right to throw

his own property through his own property, but as the eye was the
property of someone else, he is liable for the damage inflicted on that
property. Judgment for the Plaintiff with full damages claimed,
and costs."
"Traitor," shrieked the Earl, as they went home in a hansom.
"Not so," warbled the Vice-Chancellor; "you must appeal, because
the superior Court always reverses my decisions. Oh, I see," said
the Earl, poking the Vice in the ribs, "artful dog." So he appealed,
which brings us to

"This appeal, Donnybrook versus Kentucky, is against one of that
fool Thingumbob's decrees-of course we shall reverse it as usual,"
said the first Judge.
Certainly," said the second Judge.
The other learned judee concurred.
My lords," said the Vice-Chanceller, from the gallery, allow me
to thank you for the uniform unanimity with which you have always
reversed my decisions. It has enabled me, in all cases where I thought
appeal probable, to aid the ciuse of justice by making certain of your
decision. In this instance it has won for me a fair bride and a
magnificent dowry. In a fortnight the defendant's daughter will be
Mrs. Vice-Chancellor. Pray honour me with your presence at the
The Earl of Kentucky chuckled consumedly at the 'cuteness of his
son-in-law, and the Marquis of Donnybrook took to sport, and died
of vertigo caused by watching Agricultural Hall pedestrianism.
But although the judges danced at the Vice-Chancellor's wedding,
and had more strawberry ice than was good for them, they continued
to reverse his decrees to the end of their days.
The Vice-Chancellor's real name is-but there, everybody who
reads the law notices in the Times must know it because it is always
coupled with these words, Vice-Chancellor -s decision was there-
fore reversed with costs."

THB wonderful rain fell.day by day,
Washing-the houses and piers away,
Flooding the cellars and open plains-
Worst of wicked destructive rains.
How is it all this rainfall brings
Only the loss of useful things ?.
Piers and hou-es to take is bad,
When the House of Peers you might have had.
Flooding the plains to losses led,-
Swamp the Commons next time instead.
Better employed you still might be
Taking the School Board out to sea.
Silly and senseless soaking rain
Alter your plans if you pour again,
Sparing the dens where people dwell,
Wash the people, and wash them well.

A Discovery.
IT is told in the Telegraph that during the past year 2,676 vessels
of 1,186,609 tons have put into Falmouth for orders." It's wonderful
that we never heard of these large ships before. Such a quantity of
them, too, and all measured off with such accuracy. And yes people
are constantly saying there's no news about.

Treasure Trove.
Ax advertiser states that he has "found a small rough hairy
mongrel terrier dog," and goes on to say that the owner can have it
by paying all expenses. This man's honesty is a trifle exuberant.
That small mongrel has evidently found a master. Lpe's hope that
in this case findings will for once turn out keepings"

Out of the Early Burly.
LoRin RDESDALE'S el-vation to an earldom is gazetted. His lord-
ship is 72 years old and has no heirs. The proverb as to the payment
of Conservative obligations is in future to read, better Eaily
than never.
News. Scindian.
THE Maharajah Scindia has wired his congratulations to the Kaiser-
i-Hind. The collective. congratulations of the other chieftains arn
coming on a post-card. The Maharajah preferred five shilling's
worth of electricity and his Scindiaviduality.
WHER To EAT RIlvn FIsn.-On the River Plate of course.



24 FUN. JA. 10, 1877.

OF all the peoples on this earth,
How blest must be the favoured Turk!
Rejoicing in the native worth
Of Midhat's diplomatic jerk.
Let Britain hide her head and kick
Her Constitution in the air,
The Moslem beats Britannia slick.
What freedom can with his compare F
How sweetly those enactments read
Which make the Sultan's realm a kind
Of crowded Eden, wisely freed
From serpents naughtily inclined!
Let Russia take her daring heel
From such a grandly governed land,
Where Turk and Jew and Christian feel
Like brothers walking hand in hand.

Bashful Youth (at his wit's ends to say something smart) :--" ER-I HOPE
WEATH E FOR THE LITTLE DUCKS." (From observation MAr. Yun thinks this
young man is not likely to try and be clever again in a hurry.)

TSE latest device of the High Church party is to advocate videe
Times and daily papers) Sunday games for the sons of toil and others,
in which the clergy shall take an active part. We may, therefore,
shortly expect to find in the fashionable church intelligence that-
On Sunday evening last the Bishop of Hampstead was unable to
preach at St. Lawrence's as announced, in consequence of his having
sprained his ankle earlier in the day."
"The Fourth Sunday- in Easter has been fixed for the Sunday
School Union's Annual Cricket Match. Mr. Spriggins, of Bell's Life,
and the Rev. Arthur Toosynag have consented to act as umpires."
A billiard match has been arranged between Archdeacon Jones
and a well-known Canon of Westminster. Both are excellent oueists,
and the affair, which comes off on Sunday next after morning service,
has led to some spirited betting among the respective congregations.
The match will take place in the Hatcham Vestry on a new table
specially manufactured by Messrs. Thirst-on."
"The St. Vedast's Athletic Club Sports have been fixed for the first

Yet since some plague-spot ever mars
The purity of such a scene,
It may be that the worst of Czars
Wilt still dictate as go-between.
A righteous red shall stain our cheeks
If still he hunts the Turkish lambs.
Shame on the infidel who speaks
Of "dodges or of "paltry shams!"
Farewell to England I Straight I fly
To bow beneath the Turkish rule;
Such lovely laws I fain would try,
And live in Freedom's latest school.
Our Government compared with theirs
Is not so pure and good by half,
My common sense the fact declares,
Assisted by the Telegraph.

An Unexpected Recognition.
THz Rev. George Brown, a missionary labouring in
the islands of the Pacific," reports the discovery of a
race of men with tails. They have many strange
fashions and observances, and cover themselves with a
dark, close-fitting material. As the name of this new
people is not given, we are glad to be able to supply the
omission. They are called Mee-Shon-Rarees, and the
appendages spoken of are properly spelt, t-a-l-e-s.

Bear and Forbear.
WHY is the present position of political affairs like a
thunderstorm?-Because it threatens'to be rather bad
for Bruin.

fine Sunday. The Curates' Boxing Tournament has secured a large
number of entries."
"An awkward accident marred the success of the Honiton High
Church Village Fete last Sunday. The Archbishop of Babylon,
wishing to amuse the children, was the first to climb the greasy pole.
When half-way up he slipped, and fell heavily to the ground, chipping
his mitre and making his nose bleed."
The rev. treasurer of the Christian Youths' Sunday Evening Loo
Association has disappeared, and so have the funds. The bishop of
the diocese was a trustee, but declined to interfere."

WHAT everyone takes at this delightful period of the year.-

Now Ready, the Thirty-First Half-yearly Volume of .FU, being the
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


CAUM5ON.-71 apiy w in me ow it e PeM Me eddttti eferth.*

Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Worke, St. Andrew's ill, Dortor' Oommons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 15

8, Fleet-street, E.C.-L6ndon, January 10, 1877.

'0. BRANDAUER & CO.'S New registered "res
series of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
elect the pattern best suited to your hand.


I As Supplied to the



JAN. 17, 1877.]

SOME love the budding spring,
And some of summer sing;
Some laud the golden autumn with its beauty and its
Some sing of "leafy trees
That murmur in the breeze."
And some of mighty ocean as it breaks upon the shore.
Sure none can e'er despise'
The love light of the skies,
The garden full of flowers, or the, green fields decked
with gold ?
Yet there's a stalwart glow
About the heart when snow
Lies on the field and all the air is full of wintry cold.
Whatever some may say
About the long light day;"
The leafy trees and mountain with its heather scented
There is nothing to my mind
In all the year, we find
Like a frosty morn in winter when the sun is warm and
Our thoughts rise on the wing,-
It makes the heart to sing,-
It paints the cheek, it lights the eye, and beauty wins a
Though gone the summer sheen
When deep snow clothes the green,
The frosty day looks strong and brave to shield us all
from harm.
When ice is on the ground
We step with manly bound,
And hasten to the dear home where the fire is burning
And in the glow forget
The worry and the fret
We meet at every turn we go in all the weary fight.
Each season has its charm :
The spring, the summer warm,
The autumn with its wealth of worth, its fruit and
golden grain;
But still I must confess
The winter has no less
A winning'smile for me in all, except the fcg and rain.

Swellington (evidently a authority) :-" UPSHOT, sIR UP-AND-DOWN-SHOT,

WE have been favoured by an eminent firm with a list of useful
novelties, which they purpose bringing out during the season. We
select the following as deserving the highest credit:-
The Policeman's Patent Drink Detecting Nose. Made in two
qualities: No. 1, The Constable. No. 2, The Inspector. No police-
station should be withoutthem.
The Kaiser-i-Hind. An amusing game for elderly ladies and gentle-
men. Bound to create roars of laughter. Expensive but very satis-
factory-to the players.
The Clerical Life Preserver and Brick-bat Helmet. Strongly
recommended to the Ritualistic party. A special dep6t will be opened
at Hatcham in a few days.
The Street Boat. This ingenious contrivance is made to hang
behind the hall door, and is always ready for use. Equally safe in the
streets of Lambeth and the open seas of Windsor. Made in several
sizes to accommodate from one to twenty persons.
The Names of Streets and House Number Night Glass. No
pedestrian or cabman should be without one. The Board of Works
defied by the aid of this ingenious instrument.
The Farthing Non-guttering Rushlight. This must speedily bring
about the abolition of gas. Is wholesome, inexpensive, and gives
three times the light of the gas supplied by any of the companies.

An Illbread Remark.
THE Stamboul, a Turkish newspaper, complains that some portions of
the country are without bread because the bakers, frightened by the
high price of flour, have fled. The Turks have an English Baker in
Constantinople, but, alas, he is not a good bread man.

The Slough of Despond.
THE inhabitants of Finchley are memorialising so as to obtain a
Government inquiry into their sanitary condition, which, from the
published accounts in the local press, seems to be really most deplor-
able. But to every cloud there is, it is said, a silver lining, and the state-
mont of one of the inhabitants, that for days they are entirely without
water, must strike the dwellers in other suburbs just now as a condi-
tion of affairs which does much to compensate the Finchley folk for
their other troubles. Seriously, though, it would seem absurd, were it
not cruel and dangerous, that in a thickly populated district of our
great metropolis there should be Water, water, everywhere, but not
a drop to drink !"
Little Emly.
LoRD EMLY in his recent speech at Limerick stated, the waters
of contention were subsiding." Given way to the other waters,"
might have been the dry rejoinder. But it must be difficult to find
even a rejoinder dry this weather.

Lawks 'a Mussy.
MRs. PRALAMOP having read in a contemporary that the conference
was likely to end in a ridiculouss mus," wants to know if it's a neg-
lected education or being born Yorkshire that makes a man spell
"ridiculous mess that way.
Verbum Sap.
A RUMOUR is afloat that the Government intends to legislate
adversely to ,the Stock Exchange early next session. This is un-
grateful of the Government. Are there no more chestnuts in the fire
that the cat's-paw is to have its nails drawn ?


- 911


NM [JAN. 17, 1877.



LAP me in lavender, rock me to rest,
Smooth me to sleep with a feather,
Leave me to lave at the liner's behest:
Capitalitopio this weather!"
Long have I languished down under the tea,
Cutting in. caverns my capers,
Now. I am happy,,and ever shall be
While I appear in the -papers!
Wreath me a garland as gladsome as gay,
Give me a.bottle and. glasses,
Never again'may-the sceptical say,
"'This our, purvision'surpasses."
Sailor saw me, as he sailed on a ship,
Pounding a whale to a jelly,
And taking a sight" from his rubicund tip
He sent an account to the Tele.

I AM a married man. I am also dying. I wish I wasn't either.
I didn't always wish I wasn't the former though. When first land:
Margaret Melita Ann embarked upon the ocean of matrimony it-was,
a Pacific ocean. That kind of oceanlasted for fourteen days, then it
got Atlantic. But I liked it even then, because I believed; that
Margaret Melita Ann considered me as a being of the most profound'
intelligence and unlimited powers. She proved it to me in. every.
action of our lives. She held me responsible for the elements, and it
flattered my pride. If she went out for a walk without her umbrella,
and it began to rain, she always convinced herself that it was my,
fault that it rained. I thought that to give me the honorary position of
clerk of the weather was a great compliment. If we went to the
seaside and found all the apartments full, she bullied me. To give me
the entire control of the dwelling houses oft a distant seaport I con-
sidered a great honour.
"I will not undeceive this woman," I said to myself, "I will let
her linger on under the flattering delusion that I rule elements. and
govern seaports." But the list of my glorious potentiality does not
end here. The managers of the London theatres were evidently pre-
sumed to have consulted me before ventilating and upholstering their
respective houses, for if there was a draught or if a seat was hard, the
righteous wrath of an outraged spectatress descended upon my
unworthy head alone. How shall I describe my delight when I
discovered that so exalted was this woman's notion of my capabilities
that even the accomplishments of feminine art were accorded me ?
Never cid an ill-fitting dress or a non-suiting bonnet fail to bring a
wholesome correction down upon me. I turned giddy with wicked
pride sometimes, and I feel certain that I strutted when I reflected
upon the distinguished figure which I must cut in that woman's eyes.
Master of rain and fog and heat and cold, lord of summer resorts,
adviser of the theatrical proprietors of the metropolis, and artist in
female fashions ; what more could man desire to be ? Yet sometimes,
I must own, when the snarls were ugly, and the epithets more than
usually insulting, I felt inclined to step off my lofty pedestal and
prove to her that I was but as other men in these little matters. A
well-directed pudding which missed my head and spoilt the wall-paper
once wrung from me the words, Margaret Melita Ann, you deceive
yourself, 1 have ,ot caused the wind to be in the East because you
have neuralgia;" but as she burst into tears, called me a brute,
and flew upstairs to demolish her last new bonnet, I had time for
reflection, and thought, "No! I will stand all rather than allow her
to believe me an ordinary mortal like other men." Alas, short dream
of power, how rudely were ye swept away! It was just a week ago
that I made the fearful discovery that Margaret Melita Ann allowed
another man to share in my sway of the elements. I heard her bully
her brother who had returned from India, because it rained and she
couldn't take him over to the Snooks's to play croquet straight off.
It was an awful shock! From the moment that I found a brother
fresh from India credited with the same omnipotent dominion over
things meteorological and general, every angry word went home,
every tear told, every blow broke a bone of my heart. I have lived
in a fool's paradise. I am dying in a four-post bedstead.

Those Provincial Arrangements,
THE Turks, we are assured, are most anxious that the integrity of
the Empire shall not be interfered with. We cannot believe this
assertion; the commodity is quite unknown among the inhabitants.

THE St. James's Hall advertises a French chef, and the St. James's
Theatre advertises Les Danischeffs.

A SUPER once lived in this land of the Free,
Whose intimates- (saving the wilfully blind)-
Admitted his representations to be
Of quite the firstratest description, or kind:
Their plans were directed
To gushing about
His talents neglected
And bringing him out.
Pursuing the way to obtain their desire,
His friends to theatrical managers went,
Who. saw he was rich in dramatical fire
Extremely-intensely-to quite an extent!
He promised supremely
They saw at a glance:
They liked him extremely
And gave him a chance.
The fellow was passingly apt at his art,
Profession, or calling, I'm bound to admit:
Before he committed himself to a part
He'd mostly some little conception of it.
He wasn't a stormer
I'm bound to allow-
(I like a performer
To kick up a row.)
But oh! he'd a painful eccentric defect
Which pretty well worried him out of his wits :
Impelled by a habit he couldn't correct
He'd stand on his head in the tragical bits!
Its virulence proving,
The doctors he saw
Despaired of removing
This terrible flaw I
Now when, in his Hamlet, as if in burlesque
He stood on his head in this comical way,
The action appeared to approach the grotesque-
To jar, as it were, with the rest of the play:
He felt so annoying
A failing (or flight)
Just end in destroying
His prospects outright.
The person was decently proud of his skill
And loved his profession, or art, I confess,
And seemingly took it uncommonly ill
For singular habits to mar his success.
"They'll sneer at me finely
And turn me away
However divinely,"
He said, "I may play!"
But somehow he gained a position among
The first in his art in a couple of weeks ;
His name was the topic of every tongue-
Of beautiful posters-of glowing critiques!
The man began piling
His hopes up anew
When managers, smiling,
Quadrupled his "screw."
No person, I'm confident, would have believed
So grand a reception could ever occur;
For every part that he took was received
With quite a commotion, sensation, or stir.

JAN. 17, 1877.]


Then pleasure-elation-
The liveliest kind
Of gratification-
Pervaded his mind.
"I see" said the actor, evincing delight,
With subtle discernment you'd hardly expect
The populace value my talent aright
In spite of my obvious flaw (or defect)!
With talent prevailing,
Delighted they are
Though mannerish failing
'May blemish (or mar)."
'2he veryinext morning he read a critique :
'" The skill of this actor," it said, we must own
Ts, open tolquestion. His acting, most weak,
'Is savxedsby one quaint little action alone :
'.his little proceeding
'It needn't be said
Iastquite a new 'reading:-'
.He stands on his head."
His-managers loaded the actor with pelf;
The people came flocking by crowds to the play
To look at him quaintly reversing himself,
Ani he-was the first of the sights ofthe day:
The actor was flattered
And courted by all;
And, writhing, he battered
His head on the wall.
But such was the shock to his pride in his art
This habit all suddenly left him one day,
He always in future performing his part
Head-up in the commonplace regular way:
Which caused so severely
His fortunes to wane
That now he is merely
A Super again.

A Little Mixed.
SAID a preacher preaching on Matrimony the other day, My
friends, the Married-State is the Unitedest of United States." Then
said our own true Englishman, who was present, This is Ameri-
canising our institutions with a vengeance, this man is actually puffing
up United States bonds!" And he turned stockbroker, at once, sold
all this shares, became devoutly celibate, and went over to Rome,
where he is Roming 'up to the hour of going to press. (This was
intended as.the ground-work of a modern novel to be based on topical
subjects; Nbtit,there, as our readers have:gotiit they are e'en welcome.)

Joy and Glad.
Mr. GrLADSTONE has Tmhed into the Slade controversy on a post-
card addressedito"'-A. Joy,Esq.," who sends him a memorial on the
subject. WeexpedtiMr. Gladstone is under the impression that he is
corresponding with~the'intividual so eulogised by Keats.-
"'A'thing of beauty is A. Joy (Esq.) for ever."
We sympdthise with the great statesman's devotion to the beautiful
in nature as "in art, but we fancy his correspondent is not the Joy
referred to.
"TuE Kirwee Booty" crops up again *for the millionth time, and
some of the unlucky claimants seem as far off their .property as ever.
" Booty" is a misnomer. It is evidently slippery.

He was an artist on a monthly magazine, and he played it low
down on the publisher. He illustrated a serial story, and.his girls
got longer every month. The doctor said it was something wrong
with his sight, and if he didn't do it he'd go blind. The.publisher
said the author couldn't stand his girls being stretched like'that, and
he'd have to take him off. The publisher's only daughter said she
loved him, and if he went cff she'd die. So he stopped on, and his
girls got longer still. First they doubled 'em down and made two-
page illustrations'of 'em. And when that wooldni't do they folded 'em
into sixteen, like the maps of London in the Post-office directory.
This was all very well for a time, but they began to get loose when
the customers were carrying them home, and the customers caught
their feet in them and ftll down and got run over by hansom cabs in
consequence. so the insurance companies scheduled it with foreign
climates, and the circulation went down. But the girls went up,
higher and higher every month. Look here,3.ohn,' said the pub-
lisher, "if you don't cut your girls down, I'm a rined man." No,"
said the artist, "are you though ? That won't do, because when I
marry your girl I don't want her to be short. .I can't cut 'em down.
What sh'll I do ?" Ha," exclaimed the publisher, I have an idea.
We won't cut 'em down, we'll cut 'em up." And that's how,
simultaneously with the announcement of a marriage in the publishing
and artistic world, there appeared in the publishers' column of the
Times the following announcement:-
In the January number of this magazine will appear a new serial
story by Miss Topsy Jones, the well-known novelist, entitled, The
Sisters of the Broom." The original illustration will be by that
eminent artist, John Smith, and will be divided into twelve parts.
The sisters' boots will appear in the January number and their bonnets
in December, with the concluding chapter of the tale.

Manufactured on the Premises.
IT is rumoured at Zanzibar, says the Athenaum, that Mr. 'Stanley's
,stories of war levied on the natives, and murder committed in open
day by himself and army, were mere fabrications concocted for the
delectation of a sensation-loving public." It is hard ,to say which is
'the.more despicable, the man who shoots down savages for nothing
beyond his own:gratification, or the man who says he 4did it because
thatiwas his-idea of the deed a bold man would have perpetrated. It
is said that the meanest among murderers have their admirers; we
learn under any circumstances what Mr. Stanley considers to be the
height of heroism.

The Placens Uxor.
MRs. JUGGINS lighted on the following telegram the other day:-
It is feared the Russian Emperor will be driven to .a warlike policy
by domestic difficulties." Says Mrs. 'J., Ah, pore dear, an' if 'is
.wife do mean war depend upon it war it' ll be, though, I- says it my-
self, as is one of the same sect and a female. Let him be as much a
haughtycrat as he likes, it's the domestic difficulty as makes the
difference." And Juggins says he thinks so, too.

Our Raikes and Pains.
Ma. RAixEs, M.P., has been going back 150 years to work up the
Russian bogy for our benefit. An hon. member who Raikes up a
country's history for a century and a half to create sympathy with the
Turk, surely forgets what he hoes to the common sense of his hearers.

Heroes and Lee-ander.
IN consequence of the production of Heroes at the Aquarium we are
informed tnat a meeting of the fish has taken place, at which it was
decided to ask Mr. Henry Lee to explain whether the heroes are
soft or hard roes.
Agrarian Outrage.
"The late heavy seas made two large rents 'in 'the Wick break-
,water." Large rents in Ireland are such a novelty that either some
'one should be shot, or Mr. Butt lowered to the Peerage in honour of
the event.
Musical Mems.
Fox Sacred Music, Chappell and Co. Dance Music and Sailors'
Songs, Idopwood and Crew. Drinking Songs, Boosey and Co. Egg-
samples of National Lays, Cocksand Co. Christmas Songs, Hollis and Co.

CREDITOR (to Theatrical Manager). ..I don't believe you ever met
one of your bills in your life.
THEATEICAL MANAOGE. Wrong, my dear boy, I never go through
the streets without meeting one.



28 FUN. [JAN. 17, 1877.


" Can't get rid of that article. You see people won't look at it!"

" Now that plan ought to do, oughtn't it? But no, people won't look at it yet."

"Aha Thought THAT plan wouldn't fail! "

I-F U NT.-JANUARY 17, 1877.



JAY. 17, 1877.1


'TwAs when the toddling baby-year
Its greeting to the world was giving,
I shed a melancholy tear
And vowed to change my mode of living.
My wicked ways I'll mend," methought,
"To be sedate I'll now endeavour;"
But all my schemes have come to nought,
I still remain as bad as ever.
Methought, I waste my morns in bed "
(I seldom rose till twelve, or later),
Which laziness it must be said
Full often agitates my pater.
"Anon at five a.m. I'll rise,
At once from these late hours I'll sever ;"
But (let it not excite surprise)
I still turn out" as late as ever.
"Now, as to cash affairs, I fear
I'm past all remedy," I pondered.
"I grieve to think that all last year
No end of coin I rashly squandered.
Oh, Fortune, one chance more I crave;
Oh, heart be prudent, now or never.
At once I'll try what I can save-"
Alas, I'm just as poor as ever.
Ah me with grief my mind's beset,
And duns continue still, to storm:me;
I'm just as hopelessly in debt,
And long for some one to reform me.
Though conscience knocks, 'tis all in vain.
I thought myself extremely clever.
My plans went wrong, and.I.remain
As big a reprobate as ever.

Sadyk Pasha,
A FORtEIN correspondent of the Times has discovered
that Sadyk Pasha is to be a very great man in the
future counsels of Turkey. He describes him as a
gentleman who has a mouth both mocking and serious."
Presumably, therefore, his mouth,is equally divided in
expression. We would recommend, Russia to put his
mouth level. Make him laugh-both sides of it, for
THE PLACE FOp FOOTBALL.-Knockshinnock.




As a means of encouraging our soldiers to walk in the ways of TIME flies, man dies: two reasons why
sobriety and righteousness, the Secretary-at-War has cut down the Sad autumn,brings the dying fly;
value of good-conduct stripes to half. Not only this, but after a time Then winter crowds the wings and flies
these badges cease to be cumulative, and fifty shillings' worth of good- With that with wings which flies and dyes.
ness is the maximum of which, under any circumstances, a discharged To win a smile I cast the die.
soldier may stand possessed. It would be mean to attempt making a Kind reader, tell me, are you fly ?
joke about so shabby and scandalous a paltriness as this. It certainly Say, jokes apart-" without no flies "-
looks as though the country could not afford to pay its smallest My reasons why have found you whys.
liabilities, and the story of the man who took his 5 pension by instal-
ments rather than trouble the people in Pall Mall, is at last likely to Well, Well
turn out true. Although the Secretary-at-War is supposed to be a THE woman Aberne who threw her daughter down a well has been
land official, he seems in this, as in many other matters, to be con- respite woman Aberne who threw at from the Abernian point of
siderably at sea. After all, the money saved will not amount to what respite. Perhaps Mr. Cross thought that from the Abernian point of
is annually expended on at least one too many of our small, unsavoury, view the best way to dispose of Aberne was to get rid of it at once,
and neither useful nor ornamental Germans. of our small, unavoury, and be as near well as possible. If the woman didn't let well alone,
_______and neither useful nor ornamental Germans. we will, after that. _____
Trade Caution. L'Empire c'est la Pay.
IT must have been noticed by almost everybody that the great ON the day of the proclamation of the Untranslatable of India,
Woolwich gun has, during its trials, been reduced from 81 tons to 80, every soldier in the Empire received a bonus of one day's pay. And
and now promises to become still smaller. We trust that all our yet there are writers who deny that the screw has been put on to
readers who intend ordering these instruments for private or family make this title palatable.
use will see them weighed on delivery, and in the interests of fair
play and no monopoly, will insist on a guarantee that the goods will A- Tar-rier.
not shrink, no matter how much or how often used. ONE Rees is the sole survivor of those who fought on board the
Shannon against the Chesapeake in 1813. As at the time of the battle
The Claims of Descent, the chief officer was Broke, it is only Reesonable to suppose this
veteran requires his wants well looking to now.
THo reason given by a contemporary for the appointment of the
Standard's new editor is that his father was a well-known contributor WHY didn't the most recent ritualists keep their plots and practices
to Blackwood. Not a bad qualification for the editorship for the dark, say at Deptford P-Because that wouldn't have been the way to
oldest and most thoroughly Tory of our Tory papers. Hatch'em.




THE latest Ameri-
can notion is rink-
ing trowsers for
ladies." That's be-
cause Spillers" are
becoming so fashion-
able in the States.
= Chancellor of
Exchequer acknow-
ledges receipt of
conscience money
from H. T. Z. Some
objectionable people
might think this
means Half Tipsy
Zany; but let them
wait till they can
afford to keep a
conscience. Much
envy, we say. =
Customs' authorities
have given their
permission for the
"mixing" or
"blending" of teas
in bond. The only
difficulty arising
from this is that
the word of the im-
porter will be no
longer as good as his
bond. It is likely
to be a good deal
better, even though
it deteriorates in
general value. =
Young man at War-
rington bites a large
piece off the side of
a publican's face.
When remonstrated
with he said," Well,
he shouldn't 'a had
so much cheek!" A
terrible temptation!
Paper speaks of a
new way of making
finest Havana cigars
from York cabbages.
We rather fancy
that the really new
way of making the
finest Havana cigars
would be to have
them made of
Havana tobacco-
and we wouldn't
insist on the quality.
= Son of toil
struggling through
a commercial sheet
asked his mate,
" What's a fiscal
year ?" Said the
other, "A year in
which you only



After Life's Fitful Fever--."
THE Manchester Guardian wants to know how long the German
people will be content to forego essential elements of personal liberty
in the interests of national unity. Well, we should have thought
anyone could have answered that! As long as the mania-the Ger-
mania-lasts, of course.

"Children in Arms."
A SHEFFIELD daily says that, "a child a day old is liable to serve
in the Turkish army, and must pay an exemption tax." Evidently,
while the Turks fancy England is but their vassal, they regard the
great game of war as the merest child's play.

Pure and Simple.
THE word reformers who wish for the convenience of the London
School Board to simplify our method of spelling, will have a pretty
good spell at their back before they accomplish it. They might
utilise the weary waiting period by simplifying History and Geography.
A Royal Commission to reduce the number of events in English
History to one per annum, and to limit the number of rivers in a
country to four, would confer a real boon upon scholars and teachers
alike. Grammar, we believe, the School Board has already partially
FELLOWS OF THE ROYAL SocIRTY.-Wales, Edinburgh, Cambridge,
Connaught, Brown and Co.

3FUN. [JAN. 17, 1877.

count the days when
you've had any
money. The re-
mainder you reckon
as physic that's
why they calls it
physical year." (We
heard this ourselves.)
-Eminent authority
" thinks that none
of the heavenly
bodies in the solar
system, with the
exception of one of
Saturn's satellites,
is as yet habitable."
We're in no hurry,
and can wait a week
or so-for another
authority and
another place not
quite so hard to get
at. = Young man
at Snaith drowned
in submerged fields
owing to his boat
capsizing. Evidently
he had only been
used to rowing across
those fields during
the dry weather, and
the water puzzled
him.= Dumas's new
play is, it is said,
intended to illustrate
the unhappy conse-
quences to actors
and actresses of
marrying with
people outside "the"
profession. The
"people" and their
feelings are of course
not worth consider.
ing; it is they who
are in fault! = The
river Ouse is full to
overflowing. Is, in
fact, Ouse-ing over.
= Eminent Jews
of the Times" is the
title ofa forthcoming
publication. This is
likely to be interest-
ing, but it will
hardly be in accord-
ance with the
anonymity of jour-
nalism. Besides,
Mr. Walter won't
like it, and may
chance to put in
motion his new
patent self acting
suppressing machine
for the better ar-
ranging of young
and ambitious

JAN. 17, 1877.]


METr me at eve, oh, lady fair !
Come with your dainty gingham;
If you have waterproof things to wear
Do not forget to bring 'em.
Come to the mead where the waters are ;
Over the fields together,
We canmswim from the town afar
In suits.of the porpoise leather.
Meet me at eve, oh, lady mine,
Far from the hum of people,
We can float on the railway line
To the top of the old church steeple.
There perchance for a month or more,
Love, if we only tarried,
The flood might sink till we saw the door
We pass through to be married.

Eat, Drink, and bea'.Srry (Brook) is an amusing brochure full of
anecdote of those who live to eat, as well as of those who eat to live.
To say nothing of the subject, which is in itself most attractive, the
compilation is neat and complete. For a shilling, the reader may be
made not only merry, but hungry into the bargain.
The specimens of coloured plates issued in conjunction with the
Garden are sufficiently beautiful to be attractive even to those who have
no passion for floriculture.
Dora (Charing-cross Publishing Company) is a quiet little story
which will be read with interest by young persons of a serious turn of
mind. The author is evidently of opinion that marriage is a great
blessing. Haply she is herself single.
The Birthplaces of the People (Triibner) is a learned and ethnological
treatise, which argues out the laws of migration on a basis supplied by
the 1871 census of the British Isles. People who have hitherto moved
from town to town, from Ireland to England, and from England to
Scotland, without knowing they were obeying a natural law which had
prearranged all their journeying, should buy this book and educate
themselves. We confess to have learnt much from it, as hitherto we
had thought the great Southward movement was the only intelligible
or, for the matter of that, intelligent one.
The oldest, as well as the most popular and exhaustive, of the turf
manuals, .uff's Guide, having passed into new hands, is now published
at the Sportsman office. The peculiarities which gave- this work its
original prominence seem to have been well considered by the present
proprietors, who have filled it very full indeed from every available
The First Volume of Design and Work (Purkess) should be prized by
all who aspire to the style and dignity of British Workmen, amateur
or professional. Though there is a good deal in it we don't understand,
the book is none the less amusing for that- and very much more
The Watchman; or, Eastward Hoy though from "the atelier" of
the Charing-cross Company, differs materially from the bulk of that
publishing firm's works. It is in prose and verse, and is evidently
intended as a satire on the present day, its manners, customs, follies,
political tendencies, and inanities generally. Of the latter, we should
think the writer eminently qualified to judge. He may, however,
console himself, for, if he has not succeeded in being scathingly
satirical, he has done the next best thing, and become intensely funny.
We have no wish to characterise Mr. Vizetelly's Facts about Sherry
as an immoral publication, but the number of people it is likely to
drive to drink must certainly sadden the hearts of our good Sir
Wilfrid and his legions of pious Permissivites. They might buy a
copy each; and thus prevent so mischievous a work falling into the
hands of already hardened sinners and encouraging them in their
Idyls of the Rink. (Hardwicke and Bogue) is a series of burlesques of
popular or famous poems, the travesties being devoted to drinking
pleasures and pains. As the poems are all initialled by the original
authors, it is fair to suppose that the editor has not only spiritualism,
but metempsychosis, at his command. It is a pretty little book neatly
bound and not too cleverly illustrated, and should thus be much in
demand among votaries of the asphalt.
Guiding Lights (Nimmo) is a selection of biographies of famous men
" writ small" so as to suit minor capacities, and kept as free as possible
from sectarian influence. Though ostensibly prepared for the rising
generation only, there is many a grown man who would be the better
for a perusal of this handsome little volume.
At a time when so much cant is abroad as to comicality being
sacrificed to art in comic drawings, the production of an illustrate d
periodical like the Jester must be considered almost a boon. Art
certainly receives no sacrifice here, and if the pictures were only a

little bit plainer, perhaps the long lost comicality of comic art would
be quite distinguishable.
The Professional Pocket Book (Rudall, Carte and Co.), with its daily
and hourly engagement diary and personal supervision by Sir Julius
Benedict, must be found invaluable by all members of the musical
profession. The Musical Directory, from the same publishers, seems
to us to be all that can be desired.
Those who remember Uncle Tom's Cabin and the wonderful sale that
book had in this country, will be sure to welcome the original's
Autobiography (Christian Age Office). The Rev. Josiah Henson, who
was the Uncle Tom of Mrs. Stowe's story, gives :his-experiences in a
simple, unaffected way, very different indeedftom: the sensational-
ism of romance, but in no way less powerful to those who prefer an
unobtrusive story in which there is the impress.of truth, to highly
spiced details which even when true have all the appearance of fiction.
The Registrar's Pocket Book (Knight) contains a vast amount of
information in a small space. Mr. Flaxman, the editor, has done a
public service in showing what are, and what are not, the duties of our
local officials and their superintendents, many of whom will be much
surprised at the information supplied them.
Once again, Truth is a good deal stronger-as well as stranger-than

Silly but Unseasonable.
Ir has been generally conceded that the seasons are gradually getting
out of gear, and that spring, summer, autumn, and winter are at present
being hashed so as to reappear, let us hope before long, completely
renovated. This may account for the fact that in one morning's
paper a day or two ago, we encountered not only our: old friend the
Sea Serpent, but a cat 100 years old and a woman 103. Surely these
worthy creatures must have been deceived by atmospheric derange-
ments, and have postponed their hitherto periodical appearance for
more than three months.

Sixty per Cent.
SIXTYrr per-cent. of the Quakers live to be over sixty." So a
statistical paper reports. Our own Hibernian says that's nothing,
either as to. numbers or balance, for considerably over a hundred per
cent. of the ral'onuld Irish gintry live to be over a hundred. Perhaps
that's why their representatives over here never seem to come into
their property-for borrowed beer-money, however personal, can
hardly be considered real estate, even among the horrid Saxon.

An Historical Fact.
DURING the whole of the Franco-German war only six invaders
were killed by the sabre, notwithstanding all the brilliant cavalry
charges of the Frenchmen. This is a hard fact, though whether it
means extra hard heads among the Germans, or extra soft yet still
beaux sabreurs among the Frenchmen, we are not in a position to say.
Perhaps Mr. Kinglake will decide. One thing is certain, the fact
that he didn't know anything about it before will not prevent
his trying.
ANOTHER detachment of United States soldiers has been massacred
by the Sioux Indians. One of the Indian chiefs explained how this
result was arrived at to the leader of the military band just before
extinguishing his light and taking his scalp. (We get it by private
wire on the spot.) "You see, Sambo," said the ascetic and usually stern
and silent chief, "yah, ah!-we can allus Sioux coming!" And
then he rattled his bones and thrummed his banjo.

When Honest Men Fall Oat---."
THE Lord Chancellor and Sir Charles Adderley have had a little
unpleasantness as to the appointment of a commissioner of wrecks.
How history will keep on repeating itself! Lord Cairns is by no
means the first Chancellor, as our old friend "the merest schoolboy"
must know, whose motto was Ego et Wrecks ineus."

Due Provision,
A PRovISION merchant at Bristol has just paid his father's debts in
full with twenty-five year's interest thereon. Talk about there being
nothing like leather! Who will say that the man who makes such
provision as this is not the right man in the rightest of right places ?

Between the Weights.
Ax unfortunate man has been killed at the Alhambra by a heavy
weight falling on his head from the flies. Whoever cuts down the
dialogue at this house ought really to see the lumps put more carefully


34 FUN. [JAN. 17, 1877.

1. Brown has dispensed with his morning shower-bath; he stands outside in the 4. Fitzeonea does his morning lounge in Pall Mall.
garden for a few minutes. 5. Evening effect for paiters m water colours.
2. Leaf from an illustrated paper of the future, London in 1877." I 6. Mamma.:-" Now, Freddy, you know you can't go out without your life-buoy;
3. Boozle says there's a great deal too much water for him. and mind you don't swim out of sight er get run down by anybody."

VISCOUNT NawaR is the adaptor of Les Danischefs. He says
Bellows' dictionary is the best, but it doesn't give any stage direc-
The Arctic performers have six weeks' leave of absence. Some of
them will fill up their leisure by taking engagements at the music-
halls and minor theatres. The Arctic motto, It's all gaff," originated
with the commander. Naturally, as the gaffer.
The Turkish cenferenier has retorted "St. Bartholomew" to the
French wnferencier's "Bulgarian Atrocity." The Marquis of Salisbury
is incorrectly reported to have received "Waterloo" as his smack in the
eye. The word should have been "Peterloo." The alteration was
made in the printed reports at the request of the Italian conferencier,
who said the Pope never took "miss" in his life.
Viscount Maidstone, being unable to live single on 500 a year, has
invested in the bonds of Hymen. A big interest was created at once,
but matrimony is a queer thing for an impoverished man to re-
'Ihe editor of the Turkish daily London paper is to be made 'a
Turkish knight. He will be styled Sir Aglio. This knight will want
a lot of dubbin' to keep the mud away.
Tennyson has a noble mind. He dislikes people who behave badly,
and refuses to write dramas because they don't act well. Poor stage !
Failing.Tennyson; we must go back on Byron.

Common Talk.
A REVIEWER in the Times noticing a book devoted to the supernatural
and the commonplace, obliges those whom it most concerns by stating
that he uses the word profane ".with no disrespect, but merely to
imply a contrast." Great creature! Perhaps, now that the Times
critics condescend to explain what everybody already knows, they will
unravel some of their own least remarkable utterances, and bring them
down to the level of an ordinary understanding. (Mem. for the
ingenious proprietor. To attach a patent self-acting Walter glossary
printed on an endless roll by a boy and a half to each edition of the
New Thunderbolt for all connected with Common Weekly Papers.)

H. Da Lsass:sp is turning his attention to the irrigation canal to be
known as the Rhone canal. Having shared in the glory of the Suez
undertaking, the French are about to have an engineering triumph in
their Rhone country.
The Clothes of the Year.
THE Birmingham Trades Council have determined to abolish the
"sweating" system in the clothes trade. They should begin by
prosecuting the bad weather, for that's sweatingg all our clothes.


WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."-A. H. Hao"l, M.D. N
Painted by JUDD & CO, Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, D.ctors' Commons, and Published 'for th- Pr prietors) at 153, rklet-=treet, E C.-London, January 17, 1877.

JAx. 24, 1877.] FU XNo 35

intriguers think that the Midhat is out of place at the head of affairs.
PACT AND FANCY. What do the Hatti Scheriff and Earl Threehats say ? = Russian
CAMBRIDGE crew commences work. This is the elegant manner in Nihilists want to bring about a revolution." Most people would think
which the D. T. puts it: The proceedings of the light blue with the they want to bring about nothing-of the sort. = Correspondent states
view to the forthcoming race with the sister University for aquatic that a large Khan in Constantinople is as valuable as a pile of London
honours were resumed this afternoon on the Cam"! = Terrible warehouses. In Constantinople they don't think these places "any
landslip near Folkestone. Several Folkestoned to death. = Sligo small beer" Khans.
returns one of the Kings of Ireland to Parliament. He is a real Irish
member, a Conservative who believes in Home Rule and abolition Save me from my Friends."
generally. = Pure vaccine lymph, says a medical contemporary, is im- A SMALL Scotch paper publishes an extract from a letter written by
ported from Belgium. It is brought over in blocks and labelled Con- Thomas Carlyle to a friend," expressing a somewhat contemptuous
solidated essence of Flanders bricks." = An old lady named Archer has opinion of Darwin and his doctrine. Of course the chief London and
just died aged 104." According to the testimony of this Archer, provincial dailies pounce on the paragraph, and a light and only too
Time must have been drawing the long beau. = Four hundred million possibly private utterance of Carlyle is trumpeted abroad, and finds
meteors were incorporated with the earth last year. Yet judging by ten times more readers than his most thoughtful efforts have as yet
the very latest specimens of journalism and literature, the world been able to obtain. It is bad enough for spies to be set about the
doesn't seem to have benefited much in brilliance. = Says a Con- houses of our greatest men, and the most private transactions which
servative paper, "Englishman is becoming a term of reproach among take place therein to be made public by the new system of journalism;
the Turks." Among the "unspeakable Turks," mind! Some would it is worse when, in accordance with the prevailing spirit of the times,
think this as good as "approbation from Sir Hubert Stanley." = "friends" rush off to the nearest newspaper office anxious to show
"Geese are glutting the London markets." They are rare geese, they have received a letter from a public character, and forgetful in
indeed, who go to the poulterers' shops believing this. = An their own selfishness that its writer may have intended the contents to
intrigue is going on for the removal of Midhat Pasha." Possibly the be of the most purely confidential character.

This is how little Curlywig mixed it all up after a Morning Performance of the Pantomime at the Aquarium, a view of the Fish in
the Tanks, a good .Dinner, and an evening at Covent Garden.

DEAR little Curlywig's been to the play-
Theme to descant on for many a day!-
Still in her dream run the orchestra tunes,
Mixed with hot pokers and burnt pantaloons.
Clowns and policemen and codlins all hot
Jostle with fairies, and who can say what ?
Harlequin, columbine, pantomime fay,
Reign in her heart since she's been to the play.
Dear little Curlywig, happy young elf!
Dreams that she's fled to the play by herself.
Free from her parents, she dons a disguise,
Mixing up marvels nor feeling surprise.

Now she's a fairy with cobwebby wings,
Now she's a myriad different things ;
Now she's a party to pilfering pelf,-
Oh, little Curlywig !- happy young elf!
Dear little Curlywig, dream and be glad,
Time enough yet to awake and be sad.
Smile as you slumber, dear innocent one,
Fancying life is all frolic and fun,
Pantomimes, parties, and pudding and cake,
Never a trouble, a pain, or an ache.
Ah, little Curlywig, waking's too bad!
Slumber in happiness, dream and be glad!

voL. XXV.


[JAN. 24, 1877-

JOHN SMITH was not one of the brightest fellows in the world, but,
as his name denotes, he was certainly one of the best He was always
thinking what a fine thing it would be if somebody would only leave
him some money, so that he could go among the poor and do good
He had a tender heart, had John Smith, and he would have done a lot
of good had it only been in his power. But it wasn't, which I note is
generally the case with all those possessed of the very best intentions.
Talk about your Peabodies and Burdett-Couttses, and all that lot I
Lor' bless you, sir, they're all very well in their way, but plenty
people would do the same if they'd only got it to give. It's not half
a bad thing to be a public benefactor. I often think how much I
should like to be one, and John Smith used to do the same.
I say used, because he got an opportunity and was cured of his desire
all at once. It was like this:-
You see, sir, John Smith didn't have much time for himself, as he
used to work very hard, and he didn't read the papers much, because
when he had a few minutes to spare he generally found something
better to do, and, besides, his education was not very grand, and he
used to smoke his pipe, and if he got only half a chance, he'd do a bit
of gardening or home-carpentering, and as he never went near the
pub he didn't know much of what was going on. He thought if he
was very very rich he'd try and prevent war and all its attendant
miseries; if he was very rich he'd pension off all the poor, especially
the over-worked labourers like himself; and if he was simply rich he'd
go about and give money to the old and infirm, doing good by stealth
and blushing to find it fame. He didn't think it out like that, because
he wasn't as clever as I am, but he was a very good fellow, was John
Smith, and as everybody knows, you can't very well (except in my
case) be good and clever too:
Well, one day after he'd been thinking what a fine thing it must
be to be rich, and what a lot of good he'd do if it lay in his power, his
employer came to him and asked if he was John Smith, son of cohn
Smith, and John said, "Yes." "Ah, then," says the employer,
there can be no doubt you're the man whose uncle's just died abroad
and left a large fortune to his nephew." And before John could
recover from his astonishment, the worthy employer, who had hardly
ever looked at him before, pressed a thousand-pound note into his
hand, and gave him his blessing and half a day's holiday without even
so much as being asked.
John, of course, went straight away home and gave his wife the
intelligence and the money, and though she said, Nonsense! don't
you come any of that stuff now !" he was full of his notions of doing
a lot of good for the poor. And as she was just as determined that he
should do as she thought best, they had a great row, a thing that had
never happened before, almost as soon as the money came into the
house. So to prevent things becoming worse, John borrowed the last
couple of shillings his wife had in the house, and leaving her with the
thousand pounds, went off for a walk while she got the note cashed at
the butcher's and bought a nice little piece of fresh beef for dinner-
quite a treat in the middle of the week, I can assure you.
John Smith didn't think it at all wrong that now he could afford it
he should treat himself to a glass of best ale and a cigar. 1n Ie
walked to a regular swell bar, and stood enjoying himself like any
king. Of course, he was full of the fortune be had just come into,
and what he intended doing for the poor out of it; and he hadn't been
in the bar long and had another glass of Burton and another two-
penny smoke, before be was telling it all to a respectable looking man
who was drinking cold gin, smoking a big cigar, and gazing about as
if he was used to such luxuries every day.
"So," he said, when John had finished his story, "you mean to be
good to the poor, and you want to find someone in whom you would
have confidence to distribute the money properly. Would you have
confidence in me P" he asked. Then John said, "Yes," and the stranger
calling another man who just then happened to come in, told him
all about it. Ah," said the second man, but where's the money ?"
This rather staggered John, but he at once said that there was a
thousand pounds at home, and he could get it all less the price of the
piece of beef if he only had good reason to run and fetch it. Well,"
said the first stringer, I'll give you proof that I'm to be depended
on." and he took off his gold watch and chain and gave it to John.
"There," said he, "that shows I have confidence in you." Then the
other took out his purse, and took from it ten pounds, and gave it to
John and also said, There, that shows I have confidence in you."
Then they both said he could take the watch and money as proof of
their implicit belief in his story, and run and fetch the thousand
pounds less the price of the piece of beef, and they would show
him the best sort of poor to spend it on. Then they winked at each
other mysteriously and pretended to be drunk all at once, but John
was so glad at what he would be able to do for the poor that he never
noticed all that.
John was, in fact, sir, more than delighted, and dashed out of the
house; but as he went out one of the strangers suddenly became sober

and whistled mysteriously, and before my poor friend had got a
hundred yards he heard a cry of Stop thief !" and, looking round,
saw two policemen running after him. But as he wasn't a thief he
kept on, and it didn't strike him, till he had been knocked down and
taken into custody, that he could be suspected.
Ah," said the first of the strangers, who now came up, "you must
be a green hand at the game not to know me and my pal here. Why,
we're Active and Intelligent, the two best known detectives in the
forceand we've been specially engaged to put a stop to this here Con-
fidence Dodgery."
As John Smith wasn't known to the police, he only got three months
with hard. The magistrate laughed when he was asked to send for
proof of John's story. And so did the detectives. But I believe, sir,
that most of the men who offer to give money to the poor "in
confidence" really mean it. .Except, of course, when tluy're policemen.


"At Balford Borough Police-court, a solicitor pleaded that his client, who was
charged with assaulting his wife, had a perfect right to chastise her, as she had
neglected her duties."

'Tis well that a husband should wallop his wife
When her duty at home she neglects it.
She's promised to love and obey him for life,
And he-like a dummy-expeots it.
If, sad and disheartened at finding he's wrong,
He but tenderly tries castigation,
Not a soul can consider he's coming it strong":
They're one -flesh "-'tis but self-flagellation!

A'Practical Suggestion.
THE N w York Times has discovered a way of reaching the North
Pole which is likely to be eminently satisfactory to our latest explorers.
It is that the track shall be first planned out and smoothed between
Smith's Sound and the Pole, and halfmile stations for rest and re-
freshment erected. The side-walks are to be properly swept and
garnished, and a light is to be kept burning at night in the front
kitchen window of each of these refuges for belated and weary
explorers. A hero could warm his feet at one station, lauh at
another, and sleep ata third." Supplementing this, we should~psaose
that Arctic Twins be kept at each half-mile establishment, m AtNt
there should not be too much strain on explorers' minds, and ~mt
medals and orders of the Bath should be handed round oca
with the supper beer just to keep the determined pecker up,'.anddhw
that Englishmen who live at home at ease are.not oblivioSmmtelhi-
a ipesndergonebytheirnever-to-be-turmed-backorin-any-W i sIted
heroes. Shares in the mew movement are expted -to 'be largely taan
by those at present -interested in Dr. RichTaron's Hygeiopolis.

In the Street.
BRowN (coal merchant, to his customer, a successful author). Well,
sir. since you like my coals so much I hope you'll allow me to call on
your friends and mention your name.
S. A. It wouldn't be worth your while, Brown; if you want a big
connection you'd better solicit my enemies.

The Way to Live Long.
TIBaTY dogs merely suspected of being likely-to go miad 'wee ,des-
troyed lately in Cardiff. We wonder lhow long the destroyers -Wulflgo
on, provided they were allowed to survive until only remotely suspected
of being likely to become sensible ? We should get some centenarians
without doubt by this method.

Come Veal, come Veau.
A TOWN pastor preaching in the country recently, referred to the
fatted calf" as one that had been loved by the prodigal's family for
many years. When a clergyman re-veals such ignorance as this the
school Board should look calfter him.

Birds of a Feather.
A GRAND county ball took place the other night at Dorking. The
admission was of the most exclusive kind, and to prevent anything
like a suspicion of fowl play, no gentleman was admitted who wasn't
in full evening costume and possessed of pigeon-toes.

THE QUEEN o' CONNAUGeT.-Prince Arthur's mama, of course.


JAN. 24, 1877.]

F U7N2%.T


TBnfirst of England's merchant-kines
W timMunnigrub-extremely wealthy;
And yet, I think, his views of things
Were.reprehensibly unhealthy:
He thought that people with a whim.
For Science, Nature, Art, were flighty,
And only Commerce seemed to him
To be respectable and mighty.
Why, artand.science, on the whole,"
He said arwevery well for gabies-
But as to atures-Bless my moul!
Why N ture St, 's a thing for babfiaitl
In fact he couldn'tfind a name
In all abusive.nomenclature,
In which to adequately frame
His withering contempt for Nature.
To, eehismaye-the babbling brook-
The sombArewood-themead extensive!
'rvaenever-seen awerson boft*.
So. gros ,, mockingly offenaii t
Among tlhIaeks on. Margate Sh&at
He'd cameawpopsitve commotion
By waviiWhis dhisive hand
And sneerig at, the raging ocean.
But panic in l- City took
To shakingdwn.and undermining
His fdmunesiadn his ledger-book
Distinctly anwed his luck declining.
He had! to keep his house and wife,
And girls on fifty thousand yearly;
Onianewaccustomed to a life
Otcomfbst, fell the blow severely !
But greatly softened by the shock
His erring heart was sweetly altered,
And when he felt inclined to mock
At Nature's works, his accents faltered I!
He came to speak of clouds and trees
In. terms approaching adulation,
He humbly owned the sighing breeze
Was worthy of consideration.

And by nd bye-his-mind began
t'o gtin so high amoral stature,
That-he confessed the-works of man
Were not a patch on those of, Nature.
And on & memorable day
Aa in. a.mead the man reclined him,
Strolled Mother Nature round that way
And came, by accident, to find him.
" Oh, Nature," he exclaimed in jerks
Of fervour most insinuating,
"` Ve just been looking atthe works
You're in the habit of creating ;
They're truly fine, the things you do-
Profound- magnificent-aikrming!
rvebeen inspecting one: or two;;
They're quitetooepositively charming I"
SThes Wind- I speially admire;
And Water also let me mention;;;
And then, that grand produotion,. e--
A most remarkable invention I
I'long to be a rolling wave
To bound about the sea uncheotLy!!'-
The lady felt so pleased, she gave
Him leave to be a wave directly.'
There sailed a ship for distant climes-
(That merchan.-princea. speculation).-
She-was insuvedtfbrtwenty times.
Her right and proper valuation:
The merchant (now a rolling wave)
Assailed her with a force terrific
Until she found a humid grave
Beneath the measureless Pacific.
Again the-merchant sought the-dham
And said, so much politeness usinW-
" I wish you'd change me to a flame I'
She couldn't grieve him by refusing:
Among all other merchants' stores
The flame began to rage intensely
Till they were cinder to the cores,-
Our merchant's stock went up immensely

"Oh, Dame," the merchant said, and grinned
In mixed respect and exultation,,
"Do change me to a raging wind!"
And she indulged his aspiration:
His partner stood upon a cliff;
The wind, a pitiless aggressor,
Just swept him off it with a whiff,-
Our merchant was his sole successor.
And Nature's pride in him was such.
She said approvingly and gently :
He loves to be a wind so much
He shall remain so permanently."
The merchant blusters here and there
And causes wrecks and much commotion.
But who became the lucky heir
To all his wealth, I've not a notion.

A Military Sockrates.
CAPTAIN HozBit, the well-known military writer, sugzesto that in
view of possibilities," we should commence slooking, our amny with
efficient men. This stocking view is Hozieryto a degree.




" I'm a-goin' your way, mister, so I'll show yer the road." Prime stuff, ain't it ? Ill give you a dozen."

"Rare good fellows, those three I You must know 'em! I'll br ng 'e n down to stay at your place for a week "

" I know you want a good spin. There!-I'll introduce 7ou to my wife I"

:s F U N [JAN. 24, 1877.

-FTJN .-JANUARY 24, 1877.

Design for a New Pattern in Ritualistic Stained Glass.


JAN. -24, 1877.1

I- -


Allaway's Unguilded Pill.
A MAGEMseas and deputy-lieuteaantit .the county
of Herefordm.'amed Stephen Allaway,asbaen sentenced
to a month's hard labour 'by the Mrioneth bench for
obtaining money under false preteuame. Possibly this .
wicked person thought that owing to his position he
would be allowed to try the asmilia imilibus.odgBe,
and Welshthe Welsh with impunity. Itwa sminoured
that he gave a false account of himself to the Merioneth
magistrates: this can hardly be, for whatever he may
style himself in Hereford, it is certain he is Stephen
Allaway in the Principality.

Time Service.
"KAISER WILLIAM is the oldest of the monarchs of
Furope." Yes, and one of the oldest of its "old soldiers."


Orphie aux Enfers as played at the Royalty Theatre seems to tickle
the palates of those yet left unconverted from boufe and the manifold
miseries to which it has been somewhat suddenly "discovered to give
rise. There are probably quite enough left in London still inclined
towards this form of opera, despite -the writing-down it has received,
to fill the little theatre in Dean-street for some time to come.
Whether they will all go to see Orphie or not we cannot of course say,
but on the night of our visit the house was as full as it could hold, and
so were tha audience-of enjoyment. Without having any particular
fancy for this sort of entertainment ourselves, we have no intention of
condemning it on that account alone; and as the programme at the
Royalty is all it professes to be, and maybe something more, we
ought in common fairness to give it a word of commendation. Offen-
bach's music is, as everyone knows, bright and sparkling, and, as the
introduction of a too well- named music-hall song, "Awfully
Awful," seems to yield intense satisfaction, why should we object?
On the night of our visit the chief novelties were a new musical
absurdity called Happy Hampstead (noticeably like The Zoo), and
the reappearance of Miss Kate Santley after an accident to her
Thi Queen of Connaught. though a very different piece from that
which preceded it at the Olympic, is in no way a less extraordinary
production. It is described as a picturesque -comedy-drama. Pictur-
esque it is, and dramatic, and as it outrages all notions of probability,
or even possibility, it may not be without claims upon what some
people seem to regard as comic." Irishmen are always complaining
of being misunderstood; they are not likely to mind ordinary iEnglish
errors after once sitting through the new play at the Olympic. It has
been whispered that The Queen of Connaught is really the work of a
patriotic Irishman who wishes, by at once reaching the height of the
ridiculous, to rescue Ireland from further calumny. Even if this were
true, it would be a very Irish way of doing it, as not even the faintest
controversy can be based on the Olympic piece, and so even that for-
lorn managerial hope must be abandoned. The acting of Miss

Cavendish, Mr. Neville, Mr. Flockton, and others, is so good that it is
a pity it should be wasted on such an inane production as The Queen
of Connauht.
Mr. F. Marshall's amusing travesty of Macbeth entitled Biorn has been
produced at the Qaeen's. Several well-known passages in the original
are amusingly parodied. The Norwegian colouring given by the
introduction of Scotch ballad airs and the bagpipes is a humorous
notion for which the composer deserves credit. With splendid
scenery and dresses, Biorn will run the pantomime houses hard. The
omission of the Harlequinade is an oversight.
Previous arrangements have compelled the management of the Royal
Aquarium Theatre to withdraw the pantomime from the evening bill.
It is, however, still played in the afternoon, and affords intense delight
to lots of little ones. The Midget" Hanlons are strange birds- so
are some of the fish, which all visitors to the theatre are allowed to
inspect when the pantomime is over.
The eternal fitness of things," even in matters theatrical, is shown
by the advent of Mr. South in a North metropolitan district for the
purpose of showing that, properly conducted, the Park Theatre my
be made to pay, and that handsomely. The people in Camden Town
are, whatever may have been said to the contrary, very much like
other human beings in other, parts of London and the world generally:
they only want an inducement, and they will go anywhere without
being "ordered" in.
Certainly the most amusing theatrical production of recent days is
the Bra Almmnack for 1877. Mr. Ledger, who shows much taste and
discernment in the conduct of this annual, continues the series of
quotations and signatures in facsimile started by him three years ago.
One or two of the chosen artists' names are unknown, or at best
unfamiliar, to us; we presume, however, we have ourselves to blame
for this. There is the usual amount of valuable compilation, which is
followed by some original sketches. Of these latter it is sufficient to
say that readers who are satisfied to judge of work on its merits,
without being led away by the names of writers, will agree that the
best contributions are undoubtedly those supplied by Messrs. George
Edwards, Arthur Matthison, and Clement Scott.


THEY told him that the rain hadceased,
fle smiled a sneering smile,
Exclaiming, as their joy increased,
It has, but for a while !-
But just allow me, friends, to say,
Ere long you'll wail in sorrow,
For though the sun peeps outtto.ay
'Twill rain again to-morrow !"
They told him that the rain was o'er,
Hie only said, "Enough!
Away I and worry me no more
With such confounded stuff
Ere long, my friends, yon'll vainly srive
A trusty gamp' -to bomrow,
For sure as ever you're alive
It's bound to rain to-maorrow."
Next day they sought him, full of -woe,
Ere off he trudged to 'town,
For as he had predicted, lo!
The rain came pouring down.
He heeded not the tears they shed
But scorned their looks of-sorrow,
And cried, Remember what Isaid,
It's sure to rain to-morrow:!"



[JAN. 24, 1877.

First young Lady, with newspaper :-" OH THESE DREADFUL FLOODS !"

THE siege of St. Jabez's still continues. The congregation have
now held the Church fourteen days against the insurgents. A
balloon post has been established with the village, and by this means
we learn that the Reverend Commandant declines to capitulate. The
women and children are in the vaults. The rations have been
reduced to one hymn-book per day to every fourteen men.
The famous military tactician of the High Church Party, the Rev.
General Father Furbelow, has retired from active service. This veteran
hero of a hundred fights was originally a lieutenant in Tooth's regi-
ment. He fought in the battle of Hatcham, was present at the taking
of St. George's, and received a severe scalp-wound while charging
the Protestant League on the field of St. Vedast's.
The High Church Field Hospital appeals for public support. It
has 100 beds at head quarters, and sends ambulances and
experienced surgeons to attend every service where the Ritual is
observed in case of an emergency. Many a church-goer owes his life
to the ready attention of the staff to broken heads and limbs.
The commencement of hostilities between the Low Churches and
the High Churches of Hampstead will probably take place to-morrow.
The special correspondents who have left Fleet-street for the seat of
war are Mr. Glum for the Telegraph, Mr. Gay for the Daily News,
Dr. Russell for the Timnes, the Earl of Winchilsea for the AMorning
Post, Messrs. Barclay and Perkins for the Morning Advertiser, Mr.
Whalley for the Rock-, Major O'Gorman for the Standard. Mr.
Thomas Carlyle, Mr. Ruskin, and Professor Huxley will jointly repre-
sent .un.
Lady Anne Reredos has been appointed Vivandidre to the Rev.
Colonel Mackonochie's Own Dragoons.

Colney Hatcham.
WHEN the Bishop ;had that notice nailed on the Hatcham Pande-
monium it was a fair clerical fight-Tooth and nail.

THERE are shades that follow me on through life,
Or that glide beside me as friend or foe!
There's a shade of her who had been my wife
But for that great shadow grim Death will throw;
There are shades of many who've gone before
To the shadeless life of another sphere-
And their shadows will trouble me more and more,
For their numbers multiply year by year!
Thus haunted by shades from a spirit land,
My faltering steps fall sad and slow!
And to shades" I'm led, by a beckoning hand,
Where the spirits come, and the spirits go !
Still my shadowy spectres throng around,
But my wearied soul has their secret got,
For I know they do it because they've found
That I am, like them, but "a shady lot "!

Whiggle Waggle.
THE Edinburgh Review is a backslider. In the face of the great
Liberal party, it goes for the bankrupt butchers of Bulgaria. The
article is probably the work of a whigged wag. He wants a
whigging. If this sort of thing is to be tolerated the great Whig
Review will be unworthy of its name. We might call it the Hair-
dressers' Chronicle" with equal j justice.

Peas and Bees.
AN advertisement for a curate states that applications are to be
made to Grappenhall Rectory. We have been puzzling for some time
to discover how it is there is so fine a clerical flavour about the'title of
this Cheshire parsonage, and now we leave it open to our readers.

JAx. 24, 1877.] F U N 43

BILL GAWJBR was a working man, at least, so he said. For my part,
I think the greater portion of his day's work consisted in saying so.
Like many other sons of toil, he possessed an immense appetite, which he
had been in the habit of assuaging at a stuffy little coffee-house, whereat
they vended Hot Joints from 12 till 2 daily." But owing to a slight
misunderstanding with the proprietress of that establishment, he vowed
that he wouldn't go anigh the.place-agin."
Having said this much by way of introduction, it would perhaps be
better to let him tell the story himself.
Well, one of my mates says, Bill, why don't yer try the People's
Kaif, it's a sound affair So, taking his advice, I went to one a
little way off, and went early so as to be in time, and as I pushed the
door open a bell starts off tinkling to let 'em know as I was there. I
was rather frightened arter I'd got in, 'cos they was a lot o' marble
tables and that in the crib, and altogether it seemed more for markisses
than mechanics like myself. Well, jest afore the bell left off, in comes a
young woman dressed up in fal-de-rals and that. What have yer
got?' I sea. She didn't say nothing, but hands me over a strip of
paper about a yard long. Wot's this for ? I ses. Bill of Fare,'
she says. Choose wot yer'd like.' Oh,' ses I, that's it, is it ?'
So I looks down the list and twigs a lot of articles as I wasn't used to,
sech as roast fowl, fried soles, and so on, but the figure of 'emn was
a cut above my mark. A little farther down I notices beef-steak-
puddens, which was certainly cheaper, though about double what I
used to pay for 'em at the old shop. So I-fastens on that item. I'll
have a pudden,' I ses. Yes,' she ses, and off she wanishes. And I
looks round to see if I could get hold of the lalleygraph or R.ynolds's,
but I couldn't see anything but the Lusterated and one or two fly-me-
high sort of peeryoddicles. So I lands the Lusterated jest to look at
the pictures like, and lo and behold yer, I goes through it over and
over agin, and kept on a-getting more hungrier every blessed minute.
Still my dinner didn't turn up, so I kicks up a row on the table, and
in walks the gal.
"'Well, young woman, will my pudden be long? I ses. 'Oh,'
she ses, they ain't quite done yet, would you mind waiting' about a
quarter of a hour or will you have anythink.else?' And she chucks
over the Bill of Fare agin, and looking down it, I spots some Irish
stoo, which is a thing as I'm very partial to, and as it was about the
same figure I ses to her, I'll have some Irish stoo. That is, if it's
done,' I ses. Oh, yes,' she ses. In a minute, sir,' and off she
goes agin.
There was only one other covey in the crib, and he was a-reading of
the Saturday evietw, and every time I knocked on the table he looked
startled like and stared at me through a high-glass, but he didn't say
nothing. So, at last I sea, 'Nice day,' I sea. 'Yaas,' he ses.
Oh,' thinks I to myself, a swell, are yer? Nice sort of a cove for
a People's Kaif, you are.' So I tackles him agin. Looks like as if
we should have some rain, though,' I sea. Yaas,' ses he agin. So
I chucks it up, and goes on a twiddling of my fingers on the table for
a bit longer, and still my Irish stoo didn't turn up. So I operates on
the bell, and in comes the gal agin. 'Now, then, young woman,' I
sea, how about that Irish stoo?' 'Oh,' she says, it won't be
many minutes.' Well, let's hope not,' I ses. 'Cos I've got to
get back to work, yer see, and I've been a-waiting now jest upon a
hour, and between ourselves, young woman, I'm about famished:
that's straight.' All right,' she sea, and off she toddles agin, and
I waits agin.
"' Seems like as if we wos a-going to have war P?' I sea, addressing
of myself to the swell-bloke. Yaas,' he sea. Russia seems like as
if she meant a-geing it ?' I ses. Yaas,' he see agin, and nothing else.
I don't believe as how he'd got another word in his wocabbulairy, so I
give conversation up as a bad job.
Well, after waiting' about another half-a-hour, in comes the stoo alL
'ot, and I notices, with a kind of a sort of sinking, that it was a werry
little lot for the coin-tenpence. Why, young woman,' I ses, I've
had more'n that at my old crib for four dee.' Can't help it,' sea
she, that's our figure !' Oh, very well,' I sea, glad to get hold of
even a little to peck at. Only, my pal what advised me to come here,
said as how People's Kaifs was sound affairs! that's alL'
"' You'll excuse me, young woman,' I sea, arter I'd looked round a
bit, I don't Eee any pepper or salt about yere.' Oh,' she says,
bringing me some from another table, we have reason to believe
as how a foreign count which dined here early to-day emptied the
salt-cellar and pepper-box and took the contents home for his
own domestic use.' Yaas,' sea the swell. Oh,' I see, 'that's it, is
it ?' and went on eating, and it didn't take me long to finish my dose,
I can tell you, and then paying the damage I bunked, glad to slope
from such a aristocratic crib. And I went a little way off and laid
out another four dee for some fried fish -and taters, jest to satisfy
my hunger with. And all I say is this much: that People's K1fsa
may be sound affairs, but I don't go to one agin, that's all!"
And he didn't!
'[M r. Fun's sympathies are certainly not with this "gentleman."

Good service and cleanliness are thrown away on people who always
prefer quantity to quality and cheapness to anything, and who resent
order and decorum as a personal insult. The People's Cafes are
certainly a step in the right direction-they would be a gigantic stride
if the promoters did not insist on the absence of a glass of wholesome
beer from the dinner table. As it is, to use the expression of one of
the People's Caf frequenters, they knock the Slapbangs silly.]

I LONe to be a clown,
Ill tell the reason why:
'.Tis all because I'm down"
'On Jones who dwelleth nigh.
With joyfulness I'd try
To spifflicate the coon-
I'dnmoekqAim down, if I were,4ldwn
And'he were pantaloon!
I mortally detest
The very sight of Jones;
He causes me unrest,
For which he ne'er atones.
He often borrows loans;
I lent him coin in June.
I'd give a crown, were I the clown
To Jones's pantaloon I
Oh, how I long to fight
That narrow-minded cad!
In ".rallies I'd delight,
And though I'd have to "pad,"
Oh, wouldn't I be glad
If Fate would grant the boon I
Fate, cease to frown, make me a clown,
And Jones my pantaloon I

Heavy Metal.
PsOPrE are always wondering how it is that sthe great Sea Serpent
only appears for a moment at a time, and won't stay to be captured
and brought ashore so as to be verified and subsequently tanked at the
Royal Aquarium in Westminster. There is happily no necessity for
them to trouble their minds any longer as to why this is. According
to latest accounts the Sea Serpent commits suicide as soon as discovered.
From an influential and ever truth-distilling daily we discover that on
July 13 a serpent was seen'about two hundred yards off the Pauline
shooting itself along the surface." After this we shall never hear of
its blowing great guns at sea without thinking the Serpent must be at
the bottom of it. Once given a Sea Serpent, it would be a paltry
mind indeed that would stick at the shooting.

More than their Deserts.
DssanTIoN has been so common in the Army during the past year
that it has assumed a most serious aspect. The sister service is better
off in this respect, the men rarely desert their ships. _On the other
hand, the ships not unfrequently desert the men.

Ma Conscience!
Ma. EDMUND YATBS writes to the Times to deny that he sent 1
to a certain fund as conscience money. Somebody has been having
a little joke. No man of talent would think of his conscience as a
stray donkey, and put it in a pound.
"II n'y a pas de Savon."
A LivazRPOo. paper says that" washing in Paris costs three times as
much as in London." That's because they have three times as little
of it-and washerwomen must live. They only do that here.

Anything but.
A MAN was killed recently at one of our theatres "by a weight
which fell from the flies." What falls from the flies is thus evidently
not always a flyblow.
Not the First Man.
Mn. ADAm, M.P., is disgusted with the general state of affairs under
Tory administration. Poor Adam I He surely didn't expect our country
to be a second Eden at such an Eve-entful crisis.
Ta~ Committee of the Stock Exchange have censured a broker
for sharp dealing. This is the first instance of such a thing this

.4 F4U N [,JA. 24, 1877.

i flAaA NGEaD FO Two VoicEs.
) FIRST VOICE. ALL lail the Empress, let the sound
Of joyous homage fill the air;
All hail, our mistressgrandly crowned,
"Kaiser" of India's kingdoms fair.
SECOND VOICE. H sA all your voices, for the sound
Of fearful anguish rends the air;
The hour that saw an Empress crowned
I ithfaminefilled these kingdoms fair.
FIRST VoIcE. A million tongues with joy proclaim
The advent of Imperial sway;
In pomp and might the Princes came
With gems that shamed the light of day.
SECOND VOICE. A million tongues with grief proclaim
Starvation holds its deadly sway ;
Thrice armed the King of Terrors eame,
And slew his thousands in a day.
FIRST VoicE. A splendid sight was that I ween,
Of treasure spent with open hand;
Right royally for England's Queen
We gave the wealth of this our land.

Virtuous Youth (Sunday Morning) :-" Now THEN, BILLY, YOU

,THs Earth, on account of its approaching proximity to a satellite,
is to take fire shortly. The Thames is to be satellite by someone first.
For the Earth to-take fire will be an agreeable change. It has done
nothing but take water lately.
Buttereine is undoubtedly more wholesome than butter, and goes
much further. Some people affirm that it goes to Worms, which, as
everybody knows, is in Germany. It comes from Cork floated in
Barking Creek. But a good deal of butter comes from Cork. On the
quiet, of course, without any Barking and without any Creak.
Photography by night is being largely practised in the City Road
and'Islington neighborhoods. Several persons have been taken from
life quite recently. The process is generally the Daggerytype.
Professor Tyndall's lecture at the Royal Institution on the Pecu-
liarities of Colour Blindness, with specimen of Blind Man's Buff, is
tinavoidably postponed.
The Royal Observatory have decided that the Eastern Question
shall not be astronomically discussed, because recent events have proved
it quite beyond the Tele's scope.
The first putty medal of the Royal Bonded Society of Birmingham
Art has been presented to P.C. Jones, who took up a sewer because it
appeared flushed, and because, on applying his nose to its mouth, he
found it smelt very strongly.

It's an Ill, &c.
-I consequence of the floods at Eton, the school will not meet till
the 24th inst. (to-day). Master Fun says it's a tidey araingement.


A shameful sight it was I ween,
Of treasure spent with wasteful hand
On worthless baubles for a Queen,
Whi'e Pest and .Famine gripped the land.

Bad for the Committee.
THE newly appointed editor of the Morning Advertiser developed
such highly original notions of journalism during his few weeks of
office that, at a special court" of the proprietors of that trade organ,
he has been called on to resign. We note this down, as it is the first
and only time on record that anyone has been found in the' slightest
way incapable of editing a paper. People who have failed at dragging
trucks are certain they could do editing easily if they only got a
chance, and criticise those who do get chances unmercifully and from
a pedestal of immense superiority. (See Discussion F6rums passim.)
The strangest part of all is, that out of nearly a thousand applications
the Committee of Direction should have selected the only applicant
who could not do the work. For, as we have said before, anyone can
edit a paper not only wisely but extremely well.

Gee Woe!'
"TEH English team played a match on the 8th inst. against the
Geelong eleven and won easily." So a sporting telegram informs all
whom it most concerns. Our own cricket critic says that though he's
glad the Englishmen won, he knows it was only because the others
couldn't Gee 'long fast enough with their scoring. That alone (we
think) would be a good reason for not giving,any of the other reasons
supplied by the sporting papers.

Narrow Escapes.
A raisoNrn named Williams escaped from Ruthin Gaol one morning
last week. "This makes his fourth escape in two years,' says a local
paper. There doesn't seem to be much Ruth out of Rathin, or such
persistency would have met with a better reward than that of being
constantly brought back again after escaping." What's the good of
"escaping if you don't go free?

On Paper.
Da. RICEHADSON has kindly turned his attention to the papering of
rooms. Paper is an important item in the doctor's calculation. His
"City of Health" is at present entirely on paper, and not a single
case of illness has occurred in it. We doubt if such a satisfactory
result will be obtained if it should at any time be transferred to jand.

m ms Postal Telegraph Pens
With Turned-up Points.*
The smoothest writer ever made.
Ofai stiationen. Simple Boix fr 7 oir 13 tistmnm.
OF BE eF. Awineeqialio ,i,,fl,,vo rfl etport, nd c -,. B
binnr tie nutritive properties e1 solid food. A oon to the wea.k,
travellers, and others. IE'
tine vowers.-Stores: 12. CIA.o:i Ith s, E.C., and Wine Dea'lrs. i CAUTION.-I Cocoa thicken in the cup it proves the addition of startk.
L edk ITEA o ss ear. ________________________

b -I TT-nn I
wn x --s, cu. kadrew s 11, Doctors* Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet-street, E C.-London, January 24, 1877.

J3Aw. 31, 1877.] FUN. -45

THE Empress of
Brazil has sent the
Queen of England a
dress made of spi-
ders' webs. One
would have thought
cobnuts would have
been more inBrazil's
way than cobwebs.
So long as her Ma-
jesty is "nuts" on
it we are satisfied.
=A bill to make
revaccination com-
pulsory is to be in-
troduced next
Session. As there
are large numbers of
children whose
parents avoid the
Vaccination Act
every year, it would
be as well to make
the original forms
really compulsory
first. = The Fish-
mongers' Company
has presented 100
to the building fund
of Girton College,
Cambridge. Fish-
mongers' Company
naturally believes in
the unshellfish con-
duct which would
plaice Academic
honours in the grasp
of sweet young soles
whose soft roesy
youth compares so
brill-iantly with the
crabbed old age
which generally
characterises this
sort of thing. = Man
at Pontypridd steals
a wedding-ring so as
to get married. Com-
mitted for trial. So
he would have been
had he got clear to
the church. = Lieu-
tenant in the 3rd
Buffs, "who was
about to be married,"
blows out his brains.
The publication of
the one fact suffi-
ciently explains the
other. "Of a choice
of evils always
choose the least." =
A horticultural
paper states that
"roses, violets,
primroses, and
mignonette are
blooming luxuri-


antly in a garden
near Furness." Yes,
but then it's bound
to be warm there!
= Her Majesty and
some members of the
Royal Family paid
a flying visit to Lon-
don last week."
"Rare birds," in-
deed, in the metro-
polis. Ask the West-
end tradesmen! =
Russian Com-
mander in Chief
forbids, in the event
of war, any news-
paper correspondents
to accompany the
army. These news-
paper fellows are
such devils to fight,
you see. They will
always keep getting
in front and routing
the enemy them-
selves, thereby giv-
ing the regular army
no half-chance-and
the enemy no
quarter! = In China
" any man possessed
of four pounds
sterling can, if sen-
tenced to death, pur-
chase a substitute,
who will cheerfully
submit." Why don't
a few art-orities and
superfine reviewers
go out there and
commit a murder or
two each P It would
be a change for
them, might ease
their consciences,
and the purchase of
substitutes wouldn't
cost as much as a
well-fought action
in an English law-
court. = Major
O'Gorman has
taught the Marquis
of Halfhartington a
tremendous lesson in
etiquette. But as
neither really be-
longs to the true
Liberal party, why
should they bother
about it ? But O'G.
does talk big, and
his lines are perfect
O'G. curves of
literary beauty. =
Newsboards say:
"The Great Turf
Swindle." Which of
them ?.

NEW BOOKS The Tinge on the Marmalade." By Ginx Jenkins, M.P.
Wisdom on a Post-card; or, The Odd Ha'porths of the Right
THE following new books are announced:- Hon. W. E. Gladstone." A series of short essays on various subjects,
Salting Lord Salisbury's Tail." A comic story in several volumes, from Spiritualism to Small-pox.
translated from the Russian.
"Cometh Out like Cheap Champagne." By Miss Rhoda Broughton.
"Leaves from the Diary of Her Majesty's Under-Kitchenmaid." Un-Graceous.
By Theodore Martin. LORD FITZHARDING has written to the Bristol papers proposing
The Addresses to the Public of F. B. Chatterton, Esq.," now first that Mr. W. G. Grace shall have a testimonial given him. As nobody
collected. Edited and corrected by a writer for the Press. seems to object, why doesn't Lord Fitz give it him P The Notts folk
In Memoriam." An affectionate tribute to the generosity of the say they are not so Daft as to subscribe, their spare money having
Nawab Nazim of Bengal. By several London journalists. been all recently given to the rival, and local, professional batsman.

vol. xxv.

46 IF' 1I[JAN. 31, IW-7.

SCENE 1: 4 Cottage by the Sea. JACK and JxLL are bidding each other
an affretionate farewell.
JILL. Farewell, dear Jack! you are about to proceed on active
service in the oafetier. You will cruise about the Nile with the
Brit sh squadron to protect the author of some recent atrocities from
the just resentment of the kings of Africa. Take this kiss upon thy
brow, this bottle of lime juice and this cork jacket, and come back
whole if you can.
JACK. Farewell, dear Jill. I will wear your image in my heart,
your cork jacket on my breast, and take your lime juice at intervals,
and by avoiding the boiler and instructing my officers in Eeamanship,
I trust to return safe and sound. (They part.)
ScasE 2: The Lecks of the Kafetier. Half a mile from share. A grand
entertainment is in progress.
CAPTAIN. The exquisite rendering of "'Tia but a little faded
flower by Bo'sun Jones, has melted me to tears. Bid those accom-
plished able-bodied seamen, Brown, Jones, and Green, move me to
laughter with the Nile Triplets."
(The Nile Triplets" : Song and dance.)
FIsnT LIEUTENANT. A splendid performance. On our return,
Captain, these worthy fellows must be honourably mentioned.
CAPTAIN. They shall; but who is yon idle lubber who, instead of
joining in the song and dance, disgraces his cloth by attending to the
FIRST LIEUTENANT. That is Jack Jonson, A.B. He cannot sing a
comic song or dance a hornpipe. His powers as a comedian are
limited. He is a disgrace to the service.
JACK. At any rate, yer honours, I can steer a ship, and I know a
gangway from a marlin-spike, and that's more than some of these
mountebanking swabs can say.
CAPTAIN. This is open mutiny. Clap him in irons and send some-
one else to the wheel. (JACK is clapped in irons. The NILE TRIPLETS
take the wheel and run down an emigrant ship. The SeNTIMENTAL
MASTER takes the wheel and rams an ironclad. The NAVIGATING LIEU.
TENANT takes the wheel and the vessel goes to the bottom. An interval of
five minutes, and JACK is seen struggling with the billows.)
JACK. Ah, agony! Farewell, my Jill, I die. No, a ray of hope!
These irons are part of a Government contract. See, they are
getting pulpy with the action of the water. Ha! ha! they melt, I
am free! (He is free, and swims for the shore.)
SCENE 3 : The Beach adjacent to the Cottage by the Sez Enter JILL.
JILL singingg). Oh, my true love is a sailor,
And he sails the cruel sea,
While a weeper and a wailer
Here I mourn the loss of he.
For them ironclads is pisin,
And them Admirals is fools,
And the nation's dander's risin'
At the Admiralty rules. (She weeps).
Ah! What do I behold! my Jack upon the stormy ocean ? That
ship's given way under him. Hi! Jack, dear Jack, 'tis I, your Jill.
(Waves her pockethandkerchief.)
JACK (at sea). I'll be with you in a jiffy. (He swims rapidly for
shore and alights at the feet of his JILL.)
JILL. My love, say, are you wet ?
JACK. To the skin.
JILL. Repair at once to my humble cot, dear Jack, and in the top
long dresser drawer you will find the Sunday clothes of William, my
brother. I will remain here till you return.
[Exit JACK into cottage. Be returns presently changed."
JILL. How well he looks in William's clothes, but then they're not
JACK. Here I am, my darling, and now to proceed to the authori-
ties and report myself. (They set out.)
ScENE 4 : Further on. Enter JACK and JILL.
JACK. I will now report myself to the authorities, and then run up
to Fleet-street and put the Narrative of a Survivor up to auction
among the newspapers.
Enter MR. WAReD HUNT, who has come to the seaside to invent regulations.
JILL. Oh, Jack, there is Mr. Ward Hunt; make a leg to him.
(JACK makes a leg.)
MR. WARD HUNT. Why do you make obeisance to me, my man ?
JACK. Because, yer honour, I'm an A.B. seaman of H.M. ship
Ma. W. H. Then why are you not aboard her ?
JACK. Because she's gone to the bottom, and I've just swum ashore
to Fay so.
Mu. W. H. These little irregularities will occur. But tell me,
sirrah, how dare you appear on shore out of uniform F Have you
read my recent regulation P

JacK. No, I ain't. Besides, my other togs is wet.
Ma. W. H. Oh, the degeneracy of the modern seamen. He prefers
the dry and disgraceful garb of the civilian to the wet, -ut honourable,
uniform of the British tar. Here, Court Martial. (Enter COURT
MARTIAL.) Try this man immediately for disobeying our latest
Jim. Oh, mercy, my First Lord!
MA. W. H. I am connected with the sea. The sight of a female
in distress and -. Are there any extenuating circumstances ? Can
you sing, sirrah, or dance, or play in private theatricals?
JACK. No, yer honour, I joined the Navy before them things was
par of a nautical eddication. But I can manage a ship in a storm
with any man.
MR. W. H. There are no extenuating circumstances. Sentence
CouRT MARTIAL. Having disobeyed the regulation with regard to
uniform, and being found, vocally and histrionically, incapable of per-
forming the higher duties of a seaman, you, Jack Jonson, are con-
demned to be placed on board the first new ironclad which tries her
boilers on the measured mile, and in order to mark our sense of your
conduct, the latest improvements approved by the Admiralty will be
tried on the same occasion.
JACK. Shiver my timbers! I'm under orders for D. J.'s locker this
JILL. Alas! his doom is sealed. (She faints into the arms of MR.
WARD HUNT, who issues a new regulation that no sweethearts are to be
allowed in the Boyal Navy.)

Sketched from Life at Regent's Park.


The Whole 'Hog.
A BESIDENT in the Black country, named Mander, was summoned to
the police-court the other day for neglecting to have his child vacci-
nated. During the hearing it was discovered that the young Mander
had been christened Chushanrishathaim Dodo Mahershalalhashbaz
Maximilian." Perhaps as the father goes so far when he starts, this
is the one instance where the exception to vaccination should prove the
rule. If Mr. Mander senior once began he might insist on the unfor-
tunate child being vaccinated all over. Under the circumstances, the
magistrate felt rather nonplussed : it seemed so much like over-doing
the thing for him to take upon himself the role of Repri-Mander.

"Hang out your Banners."
THE creditors of Mr. R. B. Oakley, whose Co-operative Banner-
factions resulted in his being at present a convicted felon, are, it is
said, to receive a dividend of twopence in the pound. The belief of
those few who vowed to stand by Banner to the last is likely to flag a
little after this. Even their minimum figure was fourpence.

A Bird's Eye View.
THE Conference has ended in smoke. Well, we shall of coarse-cut
Turkey after her returns for Conservative efforts tobacker up.

,JAN. 31, 1877.]


.4 few' General and Anticipatory Remarks with Practical Hints and
Suggestions, expressly arranged for the readers of Fun.
PUTNEY, Midnight.
THE time is rapidly approaching when the aquatic carnival which
annually takes its place upon the bosom of old Father Tliamnes will
once again be inaugurated. It is only fair to assume that the'orews
will, when they arrive, receive an ovation prepared here, butt they
will bring their boats with them. As in preceding seasons the
Universitarians have often expressed dissatisfaction with the ovations
received by them at Putney, they may bring one or two with them as
well, but that is a matter which the president, himself no mean judge
of these matters and the effect they have on a crew's, chance,,must
At the present moment it is hard to say which boat is most likely to
prove victorious, but not unlikely whichever is the, better of the
twain will on theaday obtain the award of the umpire. In ftct, as
may not be generally known, it is theiduty of the-umpire to see that
the winneoM are liest. Without this hie would have no raissom da'Sre,
as is only tBo often tMe case in races of ascommoner kind, whicli ought
to be done-away with, and:ttie Oxford.and Cambridge race rowed.onee
a week in the future. Then gentlemanly admirers of rowing who are
really the only writers able to appreciate its beauties and to thoroughly
understand its claims, (as I hope will be observed here) would have a
far more congenial teak than unhappily at present obtains.
It is difficult at the time of writing to invest this great aquatic
event with the importance it undoubtedly deserves. The Oxonians
are not yet using the long as well as dark blue drag for which they
have in past years been famous, and which, when not engaged at other
times on behalf of the Coaching Club, is extensively used by the Royal
Humane Society. Often after having served so well upon the Thames
I have seen the Oxford drag tooled merrily down the road, thereby
taking its turn at the hippie as well as the aquatic pastime. During
the dead season the drag may not inappropriately be seen engaged on
the Serpentine or the Ornamental waters of Regent's Park. In the face
of these public benefits, who will deny that much advantage is annually
derived from the Oxford and Cambridge race, and that the Oxfords
are just the sort of fine athletic fellows to go in and win easily ? But
this isn a digression. The reason, I was about to say, why tLhe
Oxonians have not as yet tried their special drag is because the water
is not strong enough upon the Isis to bear the strain. Some
ignorant folk have Been foolish enough to say, and to put it in print
too, that the Oxford" men have not been able to row in theirusual
manner because there is too much water! The absurdity of this
speaks for itself and requires no comment. The fact really is that the
immense amount of recent; rain hasw caused the water to be weaker
than usual -it is the old question' of quantity being at the expense of
quality-and so the long and strong drag cannot, be again un faith
accompli (Frt.) until the water once more attains its preconceived
Of the Clantabs-so called for short, because they Cantabulate a
victorious score whenever they get a chance-much has been already
said that if not exactly untrue is very much exaggerated. I have
every reason to believe that though the light blue captain has no less
than three odd or reserve men appointed, he does not allow them to
sit in the same boat with the eight, assisting in the manipulation of the
sliders. The truth of the matter is, they go in the coach which runs
by the side of the crew on the towpath, as everybody knows. I will
conclude the first of my articles anticipatory of the great race with a
few lines which have been forwarded me by a gentleman well known
in sporting circles, whose aquatic verse is admitted to be of the first
When the tide is swiftly flowing,
When the dark blue boys are rowing,
When cerulean tints are glowing,
As the sun sinks in the West;
When on towpath tipsters knowing
Their attention are bestowing,-
Then I think it's past all showing
That the Isis men are best.
When the light blue boat is riding,
When the eight, the work dividing,
Thames's tawny breast bestriding,
Take their way with style and grace;-
I, myself on knowledge priding,
All the others sternly chiding,
Cry aloud, "Hear me deciding!
Lo, the Cantabs have the pace! "
As this is the all-absorbing topic of the hour, and as it besides
threatens to become of more importance every day, I shall doubtless
have much that is of interest to communicate in my next. As must,

however, be evidenced in this my initial contribution, I am determined
not to write at all on this subject unless I have something special and
exclusive to say.

(Sung with immense success atall the Policerstations in thsMetropolis.)
As I was- waning t'other night
Upon my lonely beat,
A female give me such a fright
By falling' at my feet.
"Git up," I sez, "old woman, or
I'll have to run you in."
She heaved a sigh as smelt, 0 laor '
Quite awful strong o' gin I
Spoken.-Yes, there she lay a-sighin' an' a-groanin'; ;ut I knowed
the complaint, so I just hoists her up by the arm and lugs her orf to
the station, a-saying to myself as I goes along: I wonder whether
Drunk or dying, tiddy iddy fol,
Drunk or dying, fol lol lay,
Drunk or dying, whack fol de rol,
Drunk or dying, rum turn tay.
I lug'har to the station.house
And chucks her in a. cell,
She lies as quiet as a mouse
Although I shakes her well.
I locks the door and goes away,
Next morn I'm horrified
To hear our surgeon come and say
That female's gone and died.
Spoken.-Yes, actually gone and died, and the wust of it was she'd
got her head cut open as we never noticed, and the surgeon said she'd
been chucked out of a cart or something, and was a-dying fast when
I brought her in ; but I sez, it's all bosh, sez I, she was drunk fust and
broke her head afterwards. I should think a policeman ought to
know better than a sawbones whether a civilian's-
Drunk or dying, tiddy iddy fol, &c.
It's most disgusting, on my word,
The row the public makes,
Such Bobbyry I never heard
About a few mistakes.
I never sees a female fall
Without I has a funk,
That if I takes her arter all
She'll die and not be drunk.
Spokn.-But it's their own faults arter all. The streets wasn't
made for people to die in, and the perleece has got something' better to
do than a-cartin' a lot of obstropulous civilians about, and a-feelin'
their pulsis, and a-smellin' their breath, &c, just to see if they're-
Drunk or dying, tiddy iddy fol, &c.

WE are glad to seethat the injurious reports concerning the neglect
of the Zoological Society to properly look after the Keeper of the
Seals" during his last illness has met with flat and unanswerable con-
tradiction. It is sad to think the malicious should have tried to make
capital out of the death of kind-hearted old Lecomte; but it is at the
same time satisfactory to know they have discovered how dangerous it
is to begin slating an institution that keeps so efficient a Sclater of
its own always on the premises and ready for a reprisal.

Pack o' Nonsense.
TaH Geographical Society are charged with allowing St. James's
Hall to be packed on the night of Captain Nares's Arctic entertainment.
"Packs" are always encountered in the Arctic regions, and under the
circumstances the society had a perfect right to have a(n)ice pack of
their own.
A Popular Delusion.
THE natives of Terra del Fuego believe that devils are the departed
spirits of members of the medical profession. Our superstition varies
a little. We hold that the spirits of the medical men cause them to
be devils before they depart-from the medical schools.

More Honours (F)
Two more London newspaper "pots" are to be knighted by the
Turks. They seem inclined to carry on this game ad inflcn'ght'em.

48 FUN. [JA. 31, 1877.


4- 7/m/, I A//6r

" Well, you seem to have made a good job of that, Mr. Builder.
Come and have a glass with me."

" Remarkably decent, obliging sort of fellow, that, my dear."

TE BILL :-" To drinking three glasses of beer, Is 6d.; to smoking one cigar, 9.; to carriage
of six ditto, Is.; to wear and tear of digestion by beer, 2s. 6d. ; to society for I hour, 2sa."

"That there's the sort o' cove as wants yer to do things
for nothing, that is I" r

P'UF N .- JANUARY 31, 1877.

(The One who prefers to wash his dirty linen himself.)


I'aM not at.all modest man,
I'm awtt all a fool,
In living life's allotted span
I follow Fabian rule,
And yet there must be something wrong
To eanse me this regret:
I've written long and written strong,
But I'm not famous yet.
There's Brown, who used to be my cham
In early hard-up days,
ae struck his old familiars dumb
With wonder at his plays.
On leaving him adrift behind
Once freely I'd hare bet;
I'm sure I've got a retermind,
But I'm ot famous yet.
There anes, who when a student chap
Dined oft on bread and hoeee,
Hae stumbled fual in Fiotnmaselp,
And gets tremandons fees.
And Smith, whose pietare, onceso poor,
W d paya as debt;
Sal t a perfect boor,
Bat rm at. famous yet.
And Robinson and White and Green
Their way as well have made,
Yet I know well the time has been
Their bills were seldom paid.
I was so much their greatest gun,
It makes me frme and fret
To think positions they have won,
And I'm not famouwyet.

Rathbone and Siaew.
Ma. WuILLL RATHEONS, M.P., has aroused the a i
tuous indignation of the Liverpool working men by
charging them with extravagance. To c e ar
horny-handed sons of toil with extravagance is foolish.
Why not charge them with the stock in trade of
Peterloo at once, if they are such stumbling blocks
in the path of civilisation and Mr. William Rath-

IT was several evenings after the reduced, minimized, pulverized,
minimum had been humbly presented to the Porte. The Balbul
plumed her radiant wings above the vacant chairs in the Conference
hall. The three calendars, the two almanacs, and the barber's eldest
brother were collecting the cigarette ends of the French and Italian
Giaours, and making improper remarks about their beards and their
papas' mausoleums, because they had left so few. Far away in the
lofty minarets of Stamboul, and the rose gardens of the Golden Horn,
the Dervish howled aloud the war song of the Nahlis Afudirlks.
And in the ante-chamber of the great council hall lingered the fair
young under secretary of Lord Salisbury's assistant under secre-
tary. Of all the giddy, light-hearted, diplomatic throng he alone was
left. The last ball had been given, the last protocol had been signed,
the last remnant of Europe's self-respect had been flung at the feet
of the arrogant Ottoman, and been trampled on, and yet he lingered.
Why ? Ask ye rather of the starry night that beams in two black
eyes. Ask ye why Fatima a-wearies of her lute, and presses her sweet
Circassian nose against the gilded bars of her cage P Reader, it must
suffice you to know that he leaned thoughtfully against a marble
pillar and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found he had fallen and
slipped under a sofa. The room was full of Turks, and a merry con-
versation was being carried on.
What a joke," said a little fat man. It's as good as the Arabian
Yes, and they never suspected it," answered the person addressed.
"No. Selim the cook is clever, and speaks French; he played
the Pasha well."
"And Nahli, the corn cutter, was he not splendid, too P "
What would these pompous Giaours say if they knew they had
fawned upon the dogs who serve us."
"' What shall we say F' said Nahli and Selim, when they were being
dressed for the parts. "' Say no to everything,' answered the Pasha.
And by Allah they did."
Ah!" cried the little dark man; "as if our great statesmen were



going to waste their time discussing the foolish propositions of these
pompous busybodies while they had slaves to put in their uniforms."
The romantic young secretary under the sofa waited till night
was come, and then chartered a ship and went straight off to Lordf
Salisbury; but his lordship made him promise to keep his discovery ai
secret. For," said he, Beaconsfield will be savage enough with me.
as it is. If we let this thing get wind, he'll go clean off his chump andl
make himself a duke."

As life runs from us year by year
Its fleeting joys seem jots and titless"
And we have proved 'tis "not all Beer
And Skittles!"
In most things we suspect deceits-
We find all is not gold that glitters "-
And finish by discarding sweets
For Bitters!"
Once love appeared life's chiefest part-
Now joys of which old Time's the giver
Are matters not so much of Heart
As Liver I
Death's solemn pinions closer sweep !
Life flies-but can't escape by flying!
And time we now can only keep
For Dying!
The Bar and its Moaning."
THE Irish bar is in a state of great anxiety about the Irish
Judicature Bill. We should have imagined the Irish Bar would havel
been more affected by the Irish Sunday Closing Bill.

WHY is a preface like Charity ?-Because it begins a Tome.

51 {,'i

ZAN. 31, 1977]

[JAN. 31, 1877.

ScHN : The Midlands, Jan., 1877. Time, 6.30 p.m. .Dinner at 7.
[ Proceeds meditatively.

Celtik Sedric, 1 X. E. Z., a tall, broad-shouldered man with black
curly beard, was brought before the worthy magistrate, Jasper Bric-
head, Esq.; Captain Butterheart also sat upon the bench. The
defendant was charged with being in possession of one leg of mutton,
cooked by the process of roasting, out of which a thin slice had been
out; one pigeon pie, two pots of jelly, ditto of ice-cream, and sundry
other small articles of food-as, one pheasant with a piece cut from
the breast, half a Stilton cheese, a small portion having been removed;
also with being in possession of three bottles containing wine.
Mr. Gilbert Rightfoot, in coming forward to give evidence against
the defendant, apologised that he had not been in the Court more
than two hours waiting the case to be called, having met with a slight
accident; his cab unfortunately getting in the way had been run into
by the prison van; he was thrown out and had his arm broken, other-
wise he would have been in the Court fully three hours earlier, as he
understood five hours was the regulation time prosecutors were expected
to wait his worship's pleasure. The witness was then sworn, and gave
evidence that he saw the defendant receive the various articles mentioned;
they were handed to him through the area rails; he put the things in
his pocket and went away, followed by witness. On arriving at the
police station, the witness entered also and charged the defendant
with the offence, the various articles being found upon him; several
semi-military looking gentlemen present made some exceedingly un-
complimentary remarks, and advised him to withdraw the charge,
which he declined to do; personally, he had no vindictive feeling
against the defendant, but upon public grounds he came forward,
considering that those men ought to watch over the property of the

public, and not, as in many instances, help others to commit these
petty pilferings.
Mr. Winningside, Q.C., who appeared for the defendant, said his
address should be very short, as the real facts of the case spoke far more
eloquently in his client's favour than any poor words of his could do;
the man standing there, now on his defence, was one of the very first
men enrolled in that noble army-army of martyrs he might with
much truth call them-for were they not made martyrs on every side ?
blamed for what they did, and blamed for what they did not, and he
fearlessly declared that his client was the noblest martyr of them
all; that this man, after the many long long years of faithful service
to his country, should be ruthlessly dragged up to a common felon's
bar, upon this trumpery prosecution-he might more properly say
infamous persecution-was a disgrace to the noble land in which we
live-a disgrace to the institutions in which we have our pride.
What had he done ? said the learned gentleman; let me ask you,
what has he done to deserve this wanton cruelty ? Why, sir, I will
tell you: in a moment of tender compassion, he had consented to
become the messenger of a Good Samaritan! to convey some trifling
articles of food to one who was languishing in a prison ; 0, shame I!
were we in such haste to fill our prisons, that we must drag men
before our criminal courts for every act of charity performed? I
positively blush to find that there is one man in all the land that
would consent to brand his name with the indelible blot of infamy
and shame which the prosecutor in this case had certainly done by his
present altogether unaccountable proceedings.
The Worthy Magistrate said this was one of the difficult and
delicate cases to decide upon, which on rare occasions came before the
bench. On the one side, the police were the publicly appointed
guardians of the people, whose lives and properties they were autho-
We are told this referred to some brothers, X.E.Z.-ED.


JAN. 31, 1877.] F U N 53

rized and, indeed, expected to protect, and if they were found guilty
of any dereliction of duty, then, occasionally, and he might say not
undeservedly, they were severely punished; in the present instance,
there was obviously but one course to pursue, which he trusted would
meet with the approval of those enlightened gentlemen who nursed
and guided public opinion through the medium of the Public Press.
The Amiable and Worthy Magistrate then passed his hand with
great tenderness over his long white beard, and, applying his hand-
kerchief to his eyes, said, with considerable emotion, that the
defendant would now be discharged with a severe caution, for the future
not to give way to those feelings of good nature which had led him
into this difficulty, or it would be impossible to predict what grief and
sorrow might not fall upon a certain class of her Most Gracious
Majesty's subjects by his untimely fall. Andas to the prosecutor! why
he must pay a fine of 5, and thirty-three shillings costs-the
defendant to receive one-half the fine as a reward for his long, devoted,
and meritorious conduct as a public officer and guardian of the people.
He would add, that however questionable the conduct of the prose-
cutor might be, yet he would in justice say that he left the Court
without the slightest stain upon his character; at the same time,
would beg of him not to do so any more.


(Part Song by Dame Buropa and the Spirit of Bounce.)
DAnx EUROPA. There's a moribund empire, away in the East;
It's a thing of no import, a bubble-
And not to be held of account in the least,
Yet it's giving me oceans of trouble;
Suppose such a trifle were worrying you,
Now pray, Mr. Spirit, pray what would you do ?
SPXraT OF BOUNCE. Why, Madam, the thing is the lightest affair,
Quite the lightest affair in creation!
And to me it is simply as clear as the air
How to deal with this troublesome nation.
Pronounce but a word in your motherly way,
And, bless you! that nation will quake and obey.
BiTH. [ Our envoys shall go with our potent advice,
And the Turk will be down at their feet in a trice,
Obeying their every word on the spot.
We'll settle the matter! We'll show 'em what's what.
(CHoRus repeated with much self-satisfaction.)

(Sung by Dame Europa's Envoy, in the character of Jove.)
My high importance has grown so great
It's quite becoming a weight to drag;
My voice controls the decrees of Fate,
And I've thunder-bolts in my carpet-bag.
To do my mission-the simplest work!-
With all the confidence out I go,
And firm resolve to subdue the Turk
By merely waving my finger-so.
C ORUS (with an amusing air of importance) :-
The slee-ightest doubt of success I scout;
My boys, it's the easiest business out!
And should the insolent knave betray
The air of-one who objection moots,
Or, filled with impotent pride, display
The least reluctance to lick my boots-
(Although my reason can scarce conceive
The Turk would be such a reckless dunce)-
By Jove, I'll threaten to take my leave !-
And crush the insolent knave at once!
(CHORUS, as before.)

(Sung, with much spirit, by the Troublesome Turk.)
Sung by Dame Europa's Envoy, no longer in the character ofJ.ove.)

(COnous for the World at large.)

*** Advertisements intended for insertion in this column charged treble
rates. No position guaranteed, and all orders must be prepaid. No com-
mission allowed for cash.
other CRUELTY to ANIMALS.-The Government of this
country having thought fit to recognize that cruelties are practised by
medical men in the pursuance of what they consider to be their duties,
we, the undersigned, hereby give notice that we shall call upon our
legislators to proceed yet further, and stamp out what is at present a
disgrace to us as a nation. The notion that poor, inoffensive cats
and dogs shall even be looked at by surgeons thirsting for their
blood is to our idea intolerable. Previous, however, to vivisectionists
receiving a fresh turn of the Parliamentary screw, we shall propose -
(1.) That the flaying of cabhorses and the crimping of cod be put
down by the police.
(2.) That no beetle or cockroach be trodden on except with list
slippers or patent-leather pumps.
(3.) That no jockey shall be allowed to carry whip and spurs as
well. Choice to oe declared at the time of weighing.
(4.) That the slaughter of pigeons from trapsibe at once and for
ever abolished. And that the slaughterers be dittoed.
(5.) That .this and the shooting of tame birds in preserves be no
longer considered becoming of sportsmen.
(u.) That the harrying of an uncarted stag through a strange
country for the delectation of a cockney holiday mob (by kind per-
mission of her most gracious Majesty) be regarded by all right-minded
men as only inferior to Bulgarian atrocities.
(7.) That coursing (unless by greyhounds who have their teeth
drawn) shall be considered intolerably cruel.
(8.) That' the drawing of greyhounds' teeth be declared an enormity.
(9.) That rabbit-coursing in an enclosed groundhe a certain three
months for everybody concerned.
(10.) That skinning live eels be a matter for the magistrates.
(11.) That the sale of "insect" powder and Catch 'em-alive-Oh"
papers be at once suppressed.
(12.) That all anglers impaling poor gentle worms upon cruel hooks
be taken in custody. (N.B.-This also includes all fishermen leaving
their fish out of water.)
(13.) That the knocking down of bullocks be punishable under the
Act made and provided for assaults with intent to kill.
(14.) And, lastly, that the action of parochial officials with regard
to ancient needlewomen and out-door paupers generally be subject of
earnest inquiry.
We, the undersigned, propose that when the before-mentioned
first list of prior claims upon our charitable consideration has
been disposed of, the question of Vivisection shall be proceeded with
and prosecuted with the utmost rigour of the law.
All post-office orders and cheques to be made payable to the order
of JOHN SMITH (SMITH, BROWN, and SMITH, Tailors, Tooley-
street), of whom the fullest particulars as to future prosecution of the
Vivisectionists may be obtained.
STAGE. No previous knowledge required. Good parts
guaranteed. Domestic servants and work girls preferred. Splendid
costumes provided, and elocution taught by the hour, day, or job.
Address, enclosing carte de visits and thirteen stamps for booking, to
MARKER DOWN and MAGSMAN, Fryingpan-alley, Cow Cross.
AMATEUR AUTIHORS are invited to contribute to a new high-
class weekly, discussing social, political, politico-social, and
socio-political, as well as most other topics. Amateur authors will
derive much benefit and pave the way to long-wished-for popularity by
contributing to this serial. Poetry by the yard, or longer. Rates and
prices for publication to be obtained on application at the office, and
all communications containing copy to be accompanied by cheque or
post-office order, as per tariff supplied. Stamps as cash. Address in
full confidence, EVETH IE and ELSHWER, Horsemonger-lane, S.E.
SOCIETY for the PREVENTION of POVERTY.-The Committee
of this Society hereby give notice that they are prepared to
present prizes for the best treatise on the "UTTrr ABOLITION OF THE
InDIGENT AGED." There will also be a second prize; subject: How
prize amounts are 100, 50, and 25 in each class. The Parochial
Purse for the best essay on THE REDUCTION OF OUT-DOOR RELIEF
To Aw ABsuRDrrT," will be presented at the forthcoming Philanthropic
Council. JABEZ FLINTYHEART, Secretary.
12, Hungryhouse-buildings, City, E.C.
THE Secretary of the SOCIETY for the PRESERVATION of
DORMICE begs to acknowledge the receipt of TEN NOTES of ONE

54 F U N [JAN. 31, 1877.

Resto's .Daughter :-" AND How ARE You OFF Fo coRALS F"
Old Mrs. Brown :-" Co n! Lou BLEssY, Miss, I'va 'An PrLNTY on 'Eas

By Lord Beaconsfield. That Lord Salisbury isn't as mechanical as
the majority.
By Dr. Kenealy. That Stoke is in favour of the Noisy Nuisances
Removal Act. .
By Serjeant Cox. That a magistrate's compliments are often
emptier than his head.
By Mr. Tooth. That if you want to have the best room in a prison
you must be a first-class criminal.
By Mr. Marshall. That it takes a clever man to make Mr. Shake-
speare look well in new clothes.
By Thomas Carlyle. That the best way to denounce a man publicly
is to do it in a private letter to a friend.
By Major O'Gorman. That being a Butt he belongs to a Butt, and
Hartington be blowed.
By Archbishop Manning. That baby farming is a bad thing to get
mixed up with.
By the Lord Chief Justice. That truth may be below a judge's

LrsT to the rain how it pours!
Fast on the windows 'tis pattering;
Drenching the folks out of doors,
Shoals of pedestrians scattering.
How can you wonder at folks
Feeling irate, and complaining so ?
Pluvius always evokes
Lots of abuse when it's raining so!
Fancy the cabbies to-night
Driving about in the thick of it!
Think of each 'bus-driver's plight!
No wonder they're heartily sick of it I
Think of the scanty-garbed folk-
Tramps, whom the Law has its eye upon-
Groaning neathh poverty's yoke,
With nought but the doorsteps to lie upon.
Notice yon woman's despair:
Study her face-there is woe in it,
Furrowed with wrinkles of care,
Long since a smile was aglow in it.
Gaze on the infant she bears-
Close to her bosom she presses it.
Mark the poor clothing it wears-
Sadly she hugs and caresses it.
God bless the poor who are out
To-night, for the rain to pour down upon.
Scum," for policemen to scout-
Scam," whom the Fates always frown upon.
Think of these victims of woe,
Ye who of money are squanderers,
Surely, relief you'll bestow
On friendless and shelterless wanderers !

"A Bat A RatI"
AN evening paper gives a long account of the newest
thing in Americanisms-the taming of whales. We at
once telegraphed to our own American, who, in reply,
informs us that he went to the address given and saw
something which was very like a whale I" What
a great man Shakespeare was, to be sure, to have fore-
seen what would take place in these days of enlighten-
ment, and learning, and liberal pen'orths of papers!

Not so Dusty.
A MRS. SAvonY of Islington has been compelled to
apply to a magistrate before she could get her dust-bin
emptied. What an un-Savory affair.

By Captain Boyton. That the rage for acrobats and clowns survives
in the breast of the Roman.
By Miss Taylor. That Odger is a dainty subject for an after-dinner

A MISER who money at usury lent,
Who was wicked, dishonest, and low too,
Was asked by a victim of sixty-per-cent,
When he died, where he hoped he would go to P
"Oh, give me a star for a home," quoth the knave,
When myself and my gold Fate doth sever,
No future more pleasant a miser could crave
Than to live among shiners for ever."

A Treat.
A CONTEMPORARY heads an article, "The Charity Organisation
Society and the Treatment of Idiots." We acknowledge the con-
nection of ideas, and for once feel satisfied.

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FEB. 7, 1877.]


" Here, for awhile, my proper cares resigned,
BHre, let me sit in sorrow for mankind. "-Goldsmnith.
I GROAN to see the wicked men
With which the world is haunted ;
Describing them defies the pen,-
The vice that's daily flaunted
Inspires with horror heat and brain,
And burning indignation
Full often fills my heart with pain,
My mind with agitation.
The world is full of vice and greed;
I blush for man-I do, indeed!
In practising my daily work
(A work beset with trials),
I've seen the ragged folks who lurk
Within the Seven Dials.
I've heard the paupers oft complain
Of scanty parish aiding;
- I've seen the men in Leather-lane,
Who practise Sunday trading.
Each pauper's but an idle weed.
I blush for man-I do, indeed I
I've lectured shoe-blacks day by day,
And boys who sweep the crossing-
I've told them in a quiet way
The evils bred of tossing.
I've urged them to abandon guile,-
My arguments were striking;
They've only jeered me all the while
(I think they call it making ");
Depravity's their only creed.
I weep for boys-I do, indeed!
Of wickedness no end of types
Continually shock me,
And "roughs" with pewter-pots and pipes
Seem overjoyed to mock me.
To make them better I'd be glad,
T'would make my heart the lighter-
Oh, everybody's very bad,
Except the present writer.
But day by day I vainly plead,-
I blush for man-I do, indeed!

Charlie (after staring at the surplieed choir for a long time in silent wonder) :-
" MAA". ama :-" WEL, DRBA."

TH large works at Cyfartha are still idle." As Cyfartha is Mrs.
Crawshay's place," why not utilise the lady (and just now gentle-
men) helps who are pining for a day or two's hard work just to keep
their hands in ? = Cuba reports prospects of a good crop." Then
cabbages will be at a discount this season, and penny smokes three
for twopence. = The Foreign Office is inundated with correspond-
ence from lunatics and one-idea'd people." None but lunatics would
think of "inundating" an office with correspondence-or would
succeed. = Advertisement commences, "Revolution in Firearms."
There ought to be some good shooting before the question is settled.
Let's hope the survivors will be all discharged. = It is reported, says
a contemporary, that there are 25,000 acres of land submerged between
Lincoln and Boston. Our own idiot says he should have thought the
Atlantic bigger than that. = Man in Sheffield kills himself by cut-
ting his throat in the presence of his wife." Maybe he thought that
if he failed in his attempt she would render him willing assistance. =
Several utterers of base coin are awaiting trial. If speech is silver
and silence gold, what position among the metals does the utterance
of base coin take ? (Putty medals for pretty answers.) = A com-
mittee is sitting to consider the ages at which General Officers should
compulsorily retire." Not, we should think, while there is a chance
of their being made Field Marshals. And no one not a member of the
Royal Family expects to be made Field Marshal before he's ninety-
nine. This should settle the question. = Sir Henry James objects to
newspaper writers going to the play without paying. He can com-
fort himself with the assurance that they're not allowed to do it long.
There's something besides money in this world, as he should know
himself. But is Sir Henry James going to take a theatre-for
anybody ?

The East-ern Question.
WB are requested by Mr. Quartermaine East to state that he has no
relatives in Turkey, and that, although he likes plenty of brim, he is
not a Hatti-Sheriff.

Baronial Hauls.
A NEwaSPAPR writer objects to a vendor of social tinsel advertising
his ability to obtain the rank of Baron for those customers able and
willing to pay the price. Surely the foreign honour which precedes a
man's name is not more Baron than that which is allowed to follow it;
and while Doctors of Law and Philosophy are created at twopence a
time, it would be well to reserve some respect for the person who can
afford to spend five pounds all at once in being made a Baron. We
have seen a Ph. D. of Wienerschnitzlerschnappenheim selling hearth-
stones; it's only the extra figure which prevents our finding a Baron
of Boomiindbladderbreitstein blacking boots. So let us be thankful
for small mercies, and not carry the principle of true criticism too far.

Not "as Bold as Bull-beef."
A MR. BULLOCK applied at the Clerkenwell Police Court, last week,
for protection from spiritualists, who, annoyed at his having exposed
their deceptions, had promised him a "manifestation" all to himself.
If Mr. Bullock had, as he stated, found spiritualism to be nothing but
an imposture, how does he account for being so much afraid ? The
magistrate truly stated that he had never heard a more nonsensical
complaint." It would seem after this as if there were not so much
difference between a Bullock and a bleating calf as some people
"Evil Communications ."
THE Secretary of the Discharged Prisoners' Aid Society has been
committed for trial on a charge of forgery. Probably he had con-
scientious doubts as to his fitness for the duties of his position, unless
he was duly qualified. But it's easier to get in than out again-so we're
told! _
Eye Game.
LORD KILLEEN has accidentally shot a noble friend in the eye.
Nothing like justifying one's title, though to be thorough his lordship
should have settled both een."


55 1



Tst novel of mine is the most degraded rubbish anybody ever
read in lis world!" said Wayste Payper indignantly to some of the
fellows ae lis-club whom he had just overheard criticising it favour-
ably; "and any man who could ever hint that it contains one word
of even passable sense or one atom of merit is incapable of judging of
anytlng- whatever! The first volume is weak-minded imbecility; the
second) '.6lume is vague clap-trap; and the third volume is utter
drivel!'" 'a What a charmingly eccentric fellow Says his own work's
utter fi'el," whispered the group of acquaintances. Charing'!"
Their Wayte' Payper jumped up and thumped on his hat obtrusively.
" Wlie ake you off to now?" asked the group. I am going to tfAke
a sifnai&t as a waiter-a' footman-an errand boy" he replied; "I'
am abut to give up the literary profession entirely, as I am quite'
incapable of writing; good day." Oh, no! don't !" screamed the
acquaintances; do continue to write these admirable novels-they
are so good, we assure you." "No !" said Wayste Payper wifthidhecision;
" I will not; go6d afternoon." He went off and took a- situation as
waiter at an eating-house at once, and informed everyone he knew every
time he saw them of his determination never to write another line; for
he was so truly modest, and so blind to his own merits. I would stop
the publication of that novel I have written, only it's too late now,"
he said, firmly. As it is, no one-not even you-shall know that I
have written the thing. I am quite too ashamed when I remember it.
I am receiving unmerited praise; I am a complete humbug and im-
postor, I assure you." In a few days somebody came to him with a
newspaper, and said: "There's a favourable criticism of your book in
here; you'd better read it." "No" he replied; "I will not read such
fulsome nonsense-such undeserved flattery," and took the paper with
him to a quiet corner.
This work is more-far more-than full of promise," the criticism
said among other things; "it contains the unmistakable fire of true
undying genius; it is a complete masterpiece; it lifts the reader out
of himself ; the author, in this his first work, has proved himself the
greatest of all modern writers. His name will indeed live." Then
Wayste Payper came out of his quiet corner, and his indignation knew
no bounds; he sat down at once and wrote furiously to the critic,
explaining in the most abusive terms that he was a complete humbug,
and that the novel under criticism was the most miserable trash that
had ever been written. This letter was published at once in the paper,
and was read and admired by everybody as the production of the
Greatest of Modern Writers.
The criticisms on this letter were even more glowing than those on
the book; and Payper wrote to all the critics who had done a criticism
on it, setting forth in the most insulting language their utter mistake
and the total worthlessness of his own productions. My reputation
could not be less deserves," ha often said to his friends; "my works
are beneath contempt !" Then dozens of invitations to dinner came
to Wayste Payper Irom great people desirous of making the acquain-
tance of one so clever; and "Wayste Payper unhesitatingly accepted
them all, merely for the purpose of showing with his own lips how
grossly everybody was mistaken with regard to him and his talents.
Wherever he went, he always made a point of getting up in the middle
of dinner and explaining that his writings were helpless drivel and
that he himself was a talentless idiot. It was only by the offering of
immense sums of money that publishers and editors could get him to
write novels for them; and even when these novels were published, he
would write continually to the papers, pointing out their utter worth-
He would go into the fashionable libraries and expostulate with the
people who came in and asked for his books.
He was continually summoned by booksellers for interfering with
their sale and running down their wares; but he still persevered in his
course of virtuous indignation, and his books did sell astonishingly-im.

mensely. He followed up his letters to the papers by publishing a
lilbellbis memoir of himself, showing his extreme incapacity for litera-
ture; and this book sold better than all the rest of his writings put
togethAr. Oh, it's a dreadful thing to feel that you are enjoying a
fame to'which you have no right-a dreadful thing," he said continually
to his friends. My writings are trash, aren't they now ? I am an im-
postor, ain't I ?" But his friends chuckled flatteringly and dug him
in the ribs and said, How delightfully modest!"
Then Wayste Payper grew so depressed by the weight of his sense
of unworthiness that he ordered a suit of sack-cloth and sent for some
ashes; and he refused to write for less than twice the bribe which he
accepted before; and altogether it was becoming obvious that he could
not bear his false position much longer. And one day there appeared
in a newspaper a criticism quite unlike any of the criticisms which had
been written on his works heretofore. This man," it said, has
simply become the object of a reputation to which he has not the
slightest claim; his works, little above mediocrity, have been forced
upon the public as the scintillations of genius; be is (as indeed he
himself admits) a person of very commonplace capabilities. It is time
that this writer should be lowered to his true position." Wayste
Payper read this criticism.

Hfe did not gasp; but there was a dreadful light in his eye. His
friends shrank away from his glance. He spoke at last. And this
is the sort of thing genius may hope to meet with in this world!" he
gasped-" THIS is how they would strive to crush a nobly earned fame!
Th-this is what--"
And you should have seen the letter he wrote to tfat critic !

WE regret being unable to furnish our second article on the forth-
coming Oxford and Cambridge boatrace. Our correspondent has
become so puffed up with pride (not unmixed with alcoholic stimu-
lant) at having received a letter of thanks from both crews, enclosing
him thirteen stamps each all round, that he positively refuses to work,
except at double price and extra for expenses, and threatens to go
into business as an aquatic tipster on his own account. Let him! In
the meantime we shall do as we have so often done before-get some-
body twice as good and not half so proud; and shall insist on our late
correspondent resuming his old position of deputy assistant errand-boy
as soon as he awakes to a true sense of his duties, and finds his proper

Sights to See.
THE artists of the Queen's Theatre "reposing on Wednesday
Alec Keen presenting a testimonial to the Middlesex magistrates.
Lord Beaconsfield "sweating" his coronet for the relief of the
Indian famine.
The Turkish ambassador inviting Mr. Gladstone to address his
guests at an evening party.

An A-peel.
TWBNTY-PIVE serious accidents and ten deaths have been recently
chronicled, all of them owing to orange peel on pavements As, just
at present, our police confine themselves to assaulting "civilians," and
hiding themselves, they might be employed to keep the streets clear
of this danger to life and limb. They might be useful orange Peelers
if nothing else.
Commercial Intelligence.
THE Market Report says, "The market is very firm for dry hides."
So it ought to be this season. There can't be many about.

[FmB. 7, 1877.-

FeB. 7, 1877.]



Man never is, unt always ti be blest."

A MAIDEN sat fn her bower so bright,
Deeming the days were "awful slow;"'
She pii ad for morning, she pined for night.
Awaiting the coming of him, you know'l
She'd plenty of money and lands galore,
And might have been happy the livelong day,
int one thing she constantly asked for more,-
And there she was, wisjing her life away.
A soldier went on his way through life,
Bold and gallant and good was he,
He never said no when-the word was atife-
He thought it was aul in 'his work maybe!
But somehow or other his life was sad,
He waited and watched for a thing called pay;
Although he'd much fighting he never was glad,-
And there he was, wishing his life away!
A doctor sat in his dainty room,
Taking his fees-as a doctor can.
He took the guineas, gave out the doom,
And the world believed him a -wondrous man.
But even he was inclined to pout-
Desire for honours had turned him gray-
The order for knighting him never came out,-
And there he was, wishing his life away.
And thus as we worry our way on earth,
'Tis ever the same old story still-
One man has the honours, another the worth,
And no one has always his own sweet will!
We fix our desires on the topmost round,
Fame's ladder is steep and we can't all stay;
We lookfor success and it seldom is found,-
And there we are, wishing our lives away.

THE Valentine Double Number of Fu-- But no, we will not
be egotistical; we will be humble and diffident, as is our wont, and
say what really must be said at the foot of this article. No one shall
say we are proud, notwithstanding our pre-eminent position. Place
aux Messieurs les Etrangers !
Some of Mr. Farjeon's descriptions of scenery in The Duchess of Rose-
mary Lane (Tinsley) are almost exquisite, and all are admirable. Not
only the scenery of the country, but the scenery of town, and a very
peculiar portion of town too, falls under the observation of Dickens's
disciple, and leads to noteworthy results. Like the great Master
whose style he so much affects, Mr. Farjeon seldom writes without a
purpose," and though this does not always add to the attractiveness of
a work, it certainly, when that purpose is good, elevates the writer far
above the mere ruck of novel splutterers with whom the world seems
to be thronged just now. It also gives the book an additional claim;
and whether general readers will appreciate this or not, we can say
that it would be a hard man or woman indeed who would not be
occasionally touched by the tenderness for poor humanity shown by
Mr. Farjeon in these as well as in all bie preceding volumes. Like
many another heroine of fiction, the young lady who bears the brevet
rank of the novel's title is hardly the or* re one would care to meet
in the flesh; but her selfishness gives rie to so much that is good, and
tender, and true, that.all lovers of human nature as it exists between
the covers of books will do well to obtain The Duchess of Rosemary
Lane and examine it for themselves.
Nile Memories and Chimes .and mnses '(,Oharing-cross Publishing
Company) are two small books, pamphiats in, fact, of poetry. Their
size constitutes the best recommendation ,we can find for them. One of
them commences with an invocation for "'SoA thing to do." We hope
it will 'be something other than more poatay."
.4flat and Asho,e with Sir Walter R(Jaigh ,(Nimmo) is full of enter-
tairing facts and no less entertaining 'feahes. There is, of course,
much that is sad in a history of this .gpglant adventurer, but the
reader can satisfy himself with the assserane that Raleigh's end can
make but little difference to that hero now, considering how many
more than the traditional hundred years have expired since he set
them the example.
Also from Messrs. Nimmo we receive Heroes of Charity, a record of
the lives of those great men who must really have initiated the con-
fidence dodge." For they bestowed all they had on the poor and
suffering without being over-anxious to know about exact deserts and

biographies, and gave up their lives to the work. After all, it is a
good thing for some of these men they didn't live in these days of
Organism, or they would most eertaealy have had a stopper put on
their sinful way of giving quickly, and without lengthened and exact
inquiry. Howaid, and Falk, and Pesotalozzi, fortunately for them-
selves, had not learnt the new diiotWee that promiscuous charity is a
nation's curse. Despite their ignorance, we shall reommend a perusal
* of their lives and those of their congeners, the remaining Eeroes of
The Royal Blue Book (Gardiner) finds its way, of course, into the
houses of all who belong to or are in any way interested in Society.
As a fashionable directory arid Parliamentary guide, it has no rival,
its manner of ceassificatiun enabling the largest amount of information
to occupy the smallest amount of space. This is, however, but one of
its advantages, chief among which is the power its possession gives
the student of deciding who are and who are not fit associates for the
truly genteel of heart. We have already discharged all those con-
tributors whose names and addresses are not to be found in the Blue
Book, and raised the wages of the others a shilling a week all round.
No one shabl say this isn't a fashionable journal, now!
Reeollections of a Sailor (Pewtress), though plain and unvarnished,
are evidently real. The book contains much ueeful information, and
is evidently the work of a man who has experienced all hedwscribes.
As such, we have much pleasure in recommending it to the ereal.0f
those writers of nautical fiction whose opportunities of obaewtion
have hitherto only been obtainable on dry land-among the driestaf
dry seamen.
The anonymous wit who said that the man who is his own lawyer
has a fool for a client" must have given up as soon as Every Mtan's
Own Lawyer (Lockwood) made its first appearance before a discerning
public. That the public is discerning, is proved by the fact that this
death-blow to pettifoggers and small landsharks has just entered on its
fourteenth edition, is now fitted with all the latest legal improvements,
and is warranted to keep in any climate.
The Year Book of Photography is naturally full of bright as well as
"light writing."
Some samples of playing cards we have received from Messrs. Hunt
are noticeable. It doesn't seem possible to lose money when using
such pretty patterns.
The Sportsman's Pocket Book (Sportsman Office, Boy-court) is A
sportsman's pocket book. Can we say more P
It may be as well, though, to note here a literary item more astonish-
ing than any which has preceded it, and likely to be no less popular.
It is that we shall next week publish a Special Valentine Double
Number of Fun, full of illustrations by the best artists and literary con-
tributions by the most comic writers. That this will be the best thing
of the kind ever produced will not surprise those who know the paper
and remember how we always redeem a promise. We think nothing
of being the best; we are used to it; but we will call attention to
there being no extra charge. Though a double number, its cost will
be only a single penny.

A Paper Boat.
APPENDED to a letter describing "foreign parts" in Public Opinion,
we find an editorial note which runs thus :-" A traveller informed us,
some time ago, he met with Public Opinion in Iceland." This, and
the fact that the Sage of Chelsea buys six copies a week, and reads
each one right through, should be sufficient proof of the sterling merits
of the paper. A traveller," who is probably of only mortal mould,
may think it strange to find our varied contemporary in Iceland, but
we should not be astonished to see it circumnavigating the globe,
considering that it is entirely managed by an able Seaman.

Teachig his Grandmother.
* THE Editor of a "Service" journal-not having the fear of the
infliction before his own eyes-strongly advocates that with a view to
stop desertions, all officers and men in the British army shall be tattooed.
Proposals such as this are aLways cheap enough, but this particular one
seems more than usually worthless, considering that even the smallest
boys in a regiment beat the tattoo easily.

A Cockney One.
iBuoz sent Victor Hugo a hundred francs for a contribution. to the
Revue des .Deuz Mfondes, and said it was too much. Whatever the
publisher's opinion was worth, it was certainly cent-francly. (We
are going to have this contributor French-polished.)

Eye Church Law.
Mee. Paaameov says, "it's allus Ihe way with them here religious
parties when they squabble. They will allus have a High for a High
and a Tooth for a Tooth." If she's right we trust the coming one
will be a wisdom Tooth.


58 FUN. [FEB. 7, 1877.


" Stalls, sir ?" (obligingZyy."I'll introduce you to a gentleman who'll be hai pr to take
your coat. Of course there's no regular charges for the introduction, but, &c."

"I can recommend a lady who will look after your lady's cloaks.
Of course, I, &c., some trifling consideration, &e." I

"Let me make known to you this gentleman, whose programmes are unrivalled. Ahem! of course one usually, &c., some little recognition, &c., for the favour."

"Well, yes, ir; you've given me the shilling for the programme and a trifle for myself; Outside.-" Well, no yer honour, I didn't exackly get yer the keb nor
but we generally look for some small, &e., beyond the actual, &o." open the door-but I looked on, and we generally gets, &c."

TFUT N .-FEBRUARY 7, 1877.


.L* I \ I lI Il ii i ;' ;

Qi 1;rI t 11


[ With Mr. Fun's apologies to a certain distinguished Artist.




sseaA anew isBhea.
Here agi to gse1us-all,
Plan to aihinmust ppea

Whilbl a 5entid
How she meanw* ieaglt.a !
Valentines she'll shortly, send,
Laden with inanity;
Lots of money' lbespend-
Bah! 'tis only vniity!
Love and Opid
Are But stupid
Tokens of insanity I
February, go yoturways-
You're a month, for wooing-folks.
Yours is sentiment that pays,
Only bent on doing" folks.
Soon. each lover
WilM discover
HWs-ameng the rueing-folks!
E!en. te merest schoolboy knows
onglhtbut spooney lays are yours;
Shlirtly, though5, your reign will close,-
Eight and twenty days are yous!
That'sa blessing
Worth possessing-
I detest those ways of your.

A Musical, em.
A maw song entitled "Sometimes-" is advertised
and concerted considerably. Music by Aa'hur Sullivan,
words by a lady of title. The lady of title devotes
one line to informing us- relative to something, that
she knows not "from whither" that something comes.
There's too much whither about that song for it to
last long. Obr fashionable composer might try a lady
of grammar next time.

THE only place where a Conservative Government
should be.-A Reform a tory.


IN wandering to and fro in the world, we lighted the other day on
"The Granville," St. Lawrence-on-Sea, and marvelled much at its
vast and various resources for the general edification of those who
seek a pleasing change from the monotonies of life; its external
beauty, and its internal grandeur, the ample arrangements for quiet
comfort, for luxurious ease, and healthy recreation, each in their turn
calling forth our unqualified admiration, which we regret limited
space prevents our giving in greater detail; at the same time we must
say how pleasing it was to find that which gives the last touch of
perfection to all this refinement and comfort, namely, the ready
courtesy and attention shown by the manager and each one of his
attendants to the guests. If any sceptical reader should doubt these
words, to them we say, "go and see; and to those who believe them
we give the same advice, go and see! go and see !"
At the Princess's, where Jane Shore has been running for a long
while now, there seems little diminution in either the attendance or
the interest. Miss Heath invests the character of the mythical
heroine with so much womanly tenderness that wondering audiences
return home fully convinced what she did was perfectly right, and
that if Mr. Shore hadn't at the finish knocked the representatives of
the law down and allowed himself to be reconciled to his wife, he
would have been a perfect brute of a husband, deserving neither sym-
pathy nor compassion. Such is the influence of ability on our moral code!
We were immensely pleased the other night at the Criterion with
a bright little piece by James Mortimer entitled Dorothy's Stratagem.
It is not only good itself, but is the cause of goodness in those who
have to convey the characters to a sympathizing audience.
The management of the Globe advertise that "the best topical song
of the day is introduced in the Invisible Prince and sung by Mr.
George Barrett." If they had gone a bit further and said it was
sung in the best topical manner, they wouldn't have strayed at all from
the truth. After listening to some puffed-up celebrities, it is a treat
to find three such artists as Rachel Sanger, Jennie Lee, and George
Barrett playing in one piece.

OH, he kissed me on the for'ud,
And he swore eternal love,
Then a sov-er-ing he borrud
From his popsy-wopsy dove.
Oh, he flung his arms around me.
Took my watch and handkerchief,
Which his conduct did astound me,
'Twas so very like a thief.
Yet I always had a notion
That this prigging little things
Wea that outcome of devotion
Which a playful nature brings.
And my love would not have dwindled
For my kleptomanic flame,
If he hadn't gone and swindled
Lots of other gals the same.

Who Art Thou ?
ME. J. LawR snCE HAMILTON writes to the papers to propose that
our hospitals shall be decorated with pictures, plate, bronzes, bric-
a-brac, old armour, china, clocks, fancy glass, &c." The idea of
turning our hospitals into old curiosity shops is a new one. No doubt
in cases of delirium the old armour, &c., would have a soothing effect
upon the patient. We venture to propose that the hundred thousand
pounds asked for be saved by turning the British Museum and South
Kensington into wards at once. It will be a blow to Art to send
it to the hospital, though some portions of it want doctoring con-
A T Total Wreck.
THE T pier at the Royal Arsenal, Woolwich, has been damaged
considerably by a steamship running into it. They had to repair
that T for fear it should breakfast.

7, 1877.]




MAN in his savage state discovered smiling contentedly. CIVILISATION
peeps in timidly, then comes on, and bows with the utmost respect and
CIVILIsATION (humbly). Ahem! You'll excuse me, I've called to
(Assuring your grace of my service undying)
If haply there's ought you may please to desire
I might be the fortunate means of supplying ?
The articles, sir, that I bear on my back
Are worthy of anyone's recommendation-
But if you'll allow me, I'll open my pack.
My name-at your service-is Civilisation.
See here, there are factories, physic, balloons
(You cannot object to oblige me by looking);
Here's clothing, the truly benignest of boons ;
And here's a delightful accomplishment-cooking!
MAN (aside). This party's commodities seem to be sound;
A fellow might find them a positive blessing!
(To CIVIL.) Just send me a few of the articles round-
( With much amusement). I like that ridiculous notion of dressing!
CIVIL, cringinglyy). Believe me, I'm always delighted to take
An article back should it lack your approval,
The slightest objection your Worship may make
Ensuring that article's instant removal.
Exit CIVILISATION humbly delighted. MAN tries the articles, and likes
MAN. That Civilisation's a party to know ;
I swear there's an air of refinement about him.
My early career was undoubtedly slow;
I wonder how ever I managed without him!
He doesn't attempt to dictate or command,
In spite of his stock of profound information ;
A very respectful, amenable, bland,
Respectable fellow, that Civilisation!


(An interval. Then enter CIvI IATION again. He has more assurance
now, and to some extent patronises MAN.)
CiviL. Ahem! I've the pleasure of calling again:
Provided you have no decided objection,
I've certain more articles here that I fain
Would beg to submit to your careful inspection.
(Aside.) I'm drawing him cleverly into the trap,
His weakness in aid of my purpose enlisting ;
'll bind him in slavery, Innocent chap,
With fetters defiant of human resisting!
(To MAN.) Here's Fashion, a truly desirable thing,
The acme of freedom when looked upon rightly.
The Laws of Society also I bring-
You'll find that they fit so exceedingly lightly.
(MAN takes the articles, while CIVLISATION, growing pufed-up with
success, hugs himself and chuckles, then goes out with an impudent
look of importance. MAN tries the new articles and finds them incon.
venient and unpleasant.)
MAN. These articles suit me decidedly less,
In spite of his confident recommendation.
I noticed a change in the fellow's address-
He's getting too bumptious, this Civilisation!
(He calls to CIVILISATION. Enter CIVILISATION. le has acquired an air
of intolerable patronage by this time. On MAN's requesting him to
change the articles, he superciliously declines.)
CIVIL. What ? Change you the articles ? Likely! Oh, dear,
My errand lies quite in another direction,
In fact, I've a number of articles here
(Commandingly.) Of which I demand your approving inspection.
Look here, I have brought you a number of laws,
By which you'll discover your freedom's restricted.
Some pleasure's forbidden by every clause,
Some harmless amusement you love interdicted.
(Shows him a selection of enactments for closing all places of recreation and
preventing anybody getting his living on the Sabbath, and making that
day generally repulsive and unbearable to everybody. Also other laws

[FM. 7, 1877.

FEE. 7, 1877. FUN. 6

for preventing anybody playing any game at any time anywhere, and
sundry other unpleasant articles peculiar to an overdone civilisation. In
fact, CIVILISATION (with a brain softened by inordinate conceit and
arrogance) having no really new articles to offer, is beginning to indulge
in fantastic tricks of refined meddling.)
CIVIL. When Civilisation, sir, chooses to drive,
You'll have to submit to the pace and the distance;
You're ruled so completely you couldn't contrive
To waggle a finger without my assistance!
(MAN considers the state of affairs for a moment, then, with a sudden move-
ment of disgust, he flings away all the articles supplied by CrVILISATION.)
MAN (to CIVIL.). Be off I I'll return to my primitive bliss,
I'm sick of your plan of oppressive vexation.
When Civilisation is coming to this
It's time to get rid of your Civilisation!
(He returns to his savage state; while CIVILISATION shrinks off abashed,
but, let us hope, ti'er.)-OnTAmN.

e -

AFTER the experience we have had of the present slightly wet and
occasionally warm Winter, Mr. Fun thinks the above is likely to be a
costume much in request during the Dog Days. As the Philosophers
and Meteorologists say, the seasons are in a transition state, so give
your orders for the new Midsummer Fashions while they're to be had.

"YEs, he is quite beyond recovery. Every now and then a gleam
of intelligence hovers on his eyelid and plays about his whiskers, but
he relapses instantly into the terrible condition in which you now
"Dear me, Doctor, you have a curious collection of idiots and
lunatics in your asylum, but for choice, give me this one. What is
his history P"
"You shall hear it from his own lips."
The Doctor-he was the famous Doctor Alexander Forbes Winslow
Soothing Syrup-took a card from his pocket, on which he wrote these
mysterious words: Mr. Dash, acting-manager, Theatre Royal,-
Please pass one." Then he handed the card to the idiot. The poor
wretch shrank from the Doctor's pasteboard as though it had been a
boa-constriotor. He cowered in the corner of his cell, and aquiver
passed over his- whole frame. Then he jabbered a bit and finally
darted at the card, seized it, and waved it frantically above his head.
It was a fiend who gave it me," he shrieked. In a moment of
madness I took it. I had been an honest man till then and paid.
Ha! ha! I see them now, the demons of the entrance hall, who glared
at me and frowned. I see-the coat and umbrella devils who told me
to stand out of the way. I see the checktaker fiend who cocked up
his nose and pitied me, who shouted at me that the acting-manager
was far, far away. They told me gently he was dead and couldn't be
disturbed, They hinted that he wasi a bold, bad man and dangerous
to disturb. I hear again, now after long years, the mocking laughter
of the- imps who sang in- chorus, He wants to be passed.' Dusky
forms in black and white bob out from pay places and, corners, and
stare at'me,,moaniJg;,'-He wants to be passed.' Ha-! where is the
acting-managet ? He is' lerb! He is there! He ghtaes at. me and
flies up the spiral stltirease. The female demon with programmes
catches sight.of me and spits: I amh hated, loathed, and despised;
My brain is swimming, myi face, is brnting, my tlhoat is, dry. I can-
riotmbvel I slirink-utddYsbeatit the entrance halL Theflendas

poke me out with lost umbrellas, hissing, He wants to be passed.'
I can bear it no longer. I will pay. I will go away. Ah, here is
someone It is the lessee. The demons rush at him, pointing to me
and jabbering, He wants to be passed.' He dives among the over-
coats and is lost. The wretches will not let me go. They tie me in a
seat and bid me wait for the acting-manager. He is dying, and taking
leave of his wife and children; but they have sent for him, for me. I
must wait now. I would not disturb a dying man and then runm
away. Everybody knows about me now. My shame is'more than I
can bear. They are loathing me in the stalls. They are exeorating
me in the gallery. The acting-manager is coming again. His'
physicians are bearing him to me on his bed. What do his pallid lip#
mutter ? Wants to be passed in P Who does ?' Oh, I will never
let him look upon my guilty face. I will fly. What is this ? I amw
glued to the spot. The scene swims round, the fiends howl, the'
demons' dance. Ldt me out! Let me out! I shall go aad! "
"0Come away," cried the Doctor. He's getting dangerous now.
He was brought hrte a jabbering idiot by the stage doorkeeper of the
Royal, and a press. card asking that he might be passed in was found'
in; his possession,, Hum case, isn't it ?"


0** The following curious composition was picked up iti' W. at-
fminster Hali tIh. other morning by the sweeper when going his round.
As a rule thaitfthctionary divides all he discovers during the exercise
: of his duties *wit the Speaker of the House of Commons, after dedidh-
Sing5 as small, p~tiSntage for the occupant of the Woolsack in "another
Place'"; b't" as this struck him as being too good to lose, heat once
forwarded it here. It arrived just as our paper had gone to press, but
discoveringiA one corner the magic initials H. S., with the address in
"Uvr Bddi*d-place, we at once stopped the press and put the poem in
t|e, believing, as we do, that a journal's duty is ever to its readers.
We don't thinf much of the style, but that in a case like this is a
secondary consideration. Neither do we profess to understand the
slang phraseology-or, as the writer would doubtless call it, the spirit
"wheezes." But such as it is, here it is.

Tim spirits are a potent lot,
And always can contrive
To rap upon a given spot
With anyone alive.
They thrum the banjo, tap the drum,
Or scribble on the slate,
When they are called they always come,
Inscrutable as Fate.
I am no sceptic sneerer who
Would ridicule the good,
I'll swear the spirit taps are true,
Though not well understood.
But this I mean to certify: whene'er I've made a mull of it,
And look like getting chokey-ohokey means, you know, the mill-
I'll seek me out a lawyer, one who understands the hull of it,
And let him turn the tables with a vengeance and a will.
I do believe in spirits, for I've made a living out of 'em,
And wouldn't say a syllable to traverse my own boasts,-
Butwhenyou've had your troubles,.and don't want a second boat of 'em,
Engage with Serjeant Ballantine-he's worth a thousand ghosts.

A One-and-two-er.
A GEinTLEilN; writing' in Bell's life on the gsa1ject of cricket and
cricket "amateurs," as' distinguished' fiom cricket "gentlemen," says
that in all other sports the Word amateur' ih thoroughly under.
stood to mean one who plays for money, and not for pay." We
always thought there was a slight confusion as to the amateur quali-
fication, but now it seems a little worse confounded. After this we
shall never meet a real live genelmnai ham-a-twoer "-as so many
of them call themselves-without thinking he takes both the money
and the pay, by virtue of his twofold qualification. Strangely enough,
though, some of these twoers are, as the Marchioness said of Sally
Brass, terrible one-ers as well.

The way for to go for to do it."
AN F.S.A. writes totl Fim'eto say" wafer" only means "gaufer"
after all the row as to it's etymology. Let's hope he won't gaufer to
be1too positive, or we shall have to find a 'Wafer'to teach hinm the true
meaning of'the word.

Wise Words.
THn men who are staunchest in laying down the law that a man
can always' succeed who tried gdtnerally had their trying done for
them. Anyhow, they are, quiet enough about it till the success has

6 F U N ._- [FFB. 7, 1877.

IIRimh1Il,! ,ll llll ,I i
kI III-fN l'' '


NEXT YEAR'S NOTES. requested time in order that he might consult the accused before
T action Nht Y E S t n ol B a ins granting the summons. The solicitor courteously accorded this
THE action brought by the London School Board against Messrs. favour
Grinder and Canine, the teeth manufacturers, has ended in a verdict
for the former. The Board sought to recover the sum paid for 1,000
set of teeth supplied for the Grandparents' Pronunciation class on the Water on the Brain.
ground that the teeth had neuralgia in them, and did not enable the AccORDING to a Kensington local paper, the body of an infant was
old people to pronounce according to the Board's recent alterations, found recently on a door-step in the neighbourhood. The same
The racing at Kingsbury during the past week brought a thought- authority states that at the ensuing inquest the jury returned a
f al body of Christian workers together. The tea and coffee booths, verdict of "Found drowned." What a wet winter this has been to
under the direction of Lord Shaftesbury, were an immense success, and be sure I The water seems to have found its way everywhere, even to
Dr. Jones's Hymns between Races" were admirably sung by the the wetting of a jury's other eye."
crowd. The Kingsbury Resident's bay gelding, "Brother Bung,"
won the big race from the colt farmed by the Sunday School Union. Convincing.
The Resident was so elated by his success that he started another night- Conincing
porter for the virtuous late straight away. A DAILY contemporary argues that Dr. Slade must know very well
The discussion of the question, How to suppress the traffic in that the legal quibble on which he got off does not leave him less
brandy balls," is continued in the Quarterly by the Right Hon. condemned. Of course he knows it. Why, he actually appealed
Robert Lowe. Mr. Chamberlain is to reply next month, and the against his own conviction I
world is eager.
Mr. Jones, solicitor, applied yesterday for a summons against several NOTICE.-ON WEDNESDAY NEXT, FEB. 14TH,
well-known magistrates for falsely pretending that they understood
the law and administered justice, thereby deceiving sundry of Her THE VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN,
Majesty's subjects "by palmistry or otherwise." The Assistant Judge PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.


byal- Orerou COCOnA ESSENCE
R'le Wholesale London Agents-N. J.POWELL & Co., 101,Whitechapel,E. CATTION.-If Coca. thiekes i. tIe -cp it proves the dditiln of starcl.B
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phlenix Works, St. Andrew's Hilt, Doctors' Commons, and Publifhed (for the Proprietors) at 158, Fleet-Btreet, E.C.-London, February 7, 1877.

FIB. 14, 1877.] I UN. 55


" Bless me I said Cupid-(for it was the nineteenth century, and
he wasn't so young as he had been.)-" My word To think
I could ever have gone about like that Di- graceful 1"

And wherever he went he came across portraits of his younger self in that scanty
attire. "That's him wot used to dress like sot said vulgar boys.

And the ladies stared at him and sniggered until he blushed up to the eyes.

" Confound it all I be screamed at last; "if they are so fond of that kind of costume, I'm But the proper authorities soon settled that matter.
hanged if they Ehan't have enough of it And he ordered a ballet dress.

V L xx.


[FEBan. 14, 1877.

1. To Sensational Ben.- 2. To the Astonished Native."--3. To the Great Bear.----4. To the Turkish Offleial.--5. To J. Bull, Esq.- 6. To
the'Horse Guards.

THE Bishop to the purpose spoke, and sitting in a stall
A powdered, painted ooryphe felt what they term a call."
She heard that mitred man proclaim in language plain and terse
The influence of the ballet-girl for better or for worse.
Upon her well blacked eyelash stood a little shining tear,
And "Oh," she cried, "I'll do my best within my humble sphere."
With gentle words that Bishop urged the members of the stage
In all they did to cotton to the scruples of the age.
But most he charmed that Ballet-girl by begging her to show
A moral elevation when she raised her tiny toe,
That strict respectability might chill the naughty toff,
And he who came to laugh and leer might go away and scoff.
The Bishop's little speech was done, the crowd had passed away,
In drama and in pantomime their varied parts to play;
And on the boards that very night a Ballet-girl was seen
To pirouette and raise her toe with quite an altered mien.
Her solemn movements seemed to say, Oh, gentlemen, I would
You'd go away from here to-night determined to be good.
Observe in me a modest maid's demeanour, look, and tone,
A-model for your women folk to mark and make their own."
At first the audience only laughed and thought the woman mad,
But presently they understood, and felt extremely sad;
They owned aloud their naughty ways, and got their money back,
Determined, like that Ballet-girl, to follow virtue's track.
For just a week she held.her course and edified the place,
E'en Quakers came behind the scenes to learn a modest grace,
And missionaries home on leave would sit the ballet through
To learn what sermons limbs could preach when talking wouldn't do.
There nightly in a private box the good old Bishop sat,
And sighed, Oh, if I only had a Bishopess like that,
I'4 take a playhouse for a time and star her in the Bill.
I have a mind to marry her I Odds bodkins! and I will."
His mind made up, he left the box and asked the lady's hand,
She went and told the manager, the chorus, and the band ;
And when the curtain rose again, their troth upon the stage
A Bishop and a Ballet-girl did publicly engage.

The properties were put in hand, and on an early day
The heavy father went to church and gave the bride away.
The worthy Bishop, overjoyed at gaining such a wife,
Took Sadier's Wells, Her Majesty's, the Park, and Queen's for life.
From eight to nine he lectured on the "pro's especial chance
Of doing good in comedy and pantomime and dance.
Then oin gauzy petticoats the Bishopess would bound
With twinkling feet to prove to all his arguments were sound.
The millions flocked to see the pair-of course the millions would,
And in a year and fourteen days the whole wide world was good.
The other bishops, mad with rage, their mild moustaches twirl,
They're married men or each of them would court a ballet-girl.

A Good Deal too Ambitious,
AN instance of that conscientiousness which it is better to be with-
out was given at Worship-street, the other day, when a man of
respectable appearance was charged at the instance of the North
Metropolitan Tramways Company with refusing to show his ticket.
At the station the prisoner refused to give his name and address. He
repeated his refusal when before the magistrate, but deigned to say
each of his negative actions was governed by principle. The magis-
trate fined him five shillings, but though he admitted possessing the
money, prisoner preferred going to prison "on principle." Some
people may deem this man a hero; we are satisfied to call him an
idiot. Principle is all very well in its way, but it's not the sort of
thing for people who don't happen to be in a position to command its
best companion, interest. Questions like this, involving the highest
principle, should be left to Lord Derby and other gentlemen who have
it in their power to be peculiar and get admired and advertised
A Frisky One.
THE San Francisco News Letter is perpetually injuncted by Judge
Wheeler from writing against the moral and commercial value to
humanity of a sweet thing in speculators cognominally known as Clay.
We sympathise cordially with the smart social whip who finds a Wheeler
interfere with his leaders.


Youthful Maiden (who has received quite a lot" by post) :-" WHY ANNIE, WHATEVER ARE YOU MOPING THERE FOR "
Mature Maiden (only too evidently forlorn and forgotten) :-" I WAS ONLY THINKING, DEAR, 0 THAT I WAS A DOVE !"


WELL, as you seem anxious to know, and as Valentine's Day is
close at hand, I'll tell you how it was I came to be married and settled
down in clover here with everything a man can wish for, and the
missus thinking me the greatest poet in all the world. But you must
promise never to say a word about it.
(Of course the listener promised-and that's how we came to possess
the story.)
I always had, as you know, a passion for writing verse, and it was
only the envy of some editors and the stupidity of others that kept
me out of the leading magazines. I used to be always sending copy
round from one to another of these incompetents, and always with the
same result. It was always, "Declined with thanks," or "Not up to
our standard "-a deliberate untruth which led me to retort heavily
and anonymously-or, "Very good, but our staff is quite complete."
While if I had only half the ability and a little interest to back it up,
I might have been editor of a magazine or comic paper myself in a
tithe the time it took me to get nothing but rejections. For I never
saw anything in any of the so-called light literature of the present day
I couldn't have beaten all to pieces when my hand was well in with
constant practice.
Finding after a long while that there is no chance for true ability
unless it is supported by influence or accompanied by tremendous
cheek, I at last thought I would make an effort in another direction.
And after one or two attempts I succeeded beyond my most sanguine
expectations. I called on a maker of valentines in a large way of
business, and persuaded him to let me do the verse to all the coming
novelties. When I once got his permission, I didn't take long getting
to work, I can assure you, and though the pay wasn't great, the
labour was congenial.
,Ugly ones and handsome ones were all alike to my muse. The
artists used to bring the sketches in, and when I had well considered
the subject, I used to write what was to go underneath. Then it
would go to the printer's, and I felt that if I was not known to fame

personally, my work was read and admired wherever the Engliih
language is spoken. I don't mind admitting to you that I am the
author of those famous lines seen in so many shop-windows and carried
next the hearts of so many pretty girls, which commence thus:-
Love is a fierce flame, and bums so fast
That my bosom is on fire like any 20-h.-p. furnace blast,
And if you will but call me thine
I'll always remain yours to command and be thy Valentine."
Then as to ugly ones, they were really of use to me in serving out
those who had been personally unkind in the days when I struggled
for position in the mags and weekly papers. 1 used to think I was
describing an editor of the "Not up to our standard" sort when I
wanted to say anything particularly offensive, and so on through the
various degrees of answers to correspondents, whether in the papers
themselves or under the flap of a correspondent's envelope. Indeed, I
used to class the ugly valentines by mental names corresponding with
the styles of rejections in previous days. When I wished to be not
so deliberately offensive as slily sarcastical, I called that the Very
good, but our staff is quite complete" kind. It was an editor of the
previous class, however, that I had in my mind when I penned the
bitter sarcasm which sold so many thousands of a hideous valentine.
It ran something like this:-
"You handsome fellow, now I daresay you think yourself quite
The look of you puts me all in quite a shiver,
It would be satire and sarcasm to call you quite capable of any crime,
And so you never shall be quite my Valentine."
Although the pay wasn't much to begin with--L shilling for a
stanza of eight lines and no pay for refrains after the first verse-the
accuracy of my style and the purity of my rhythm soon began to tell,
while the power of my sarcasm had before long so terrible an effect
that the proprietor came to me one morning and said, Snooks, I will
not wait to be asked, but will give you your own terms in the future,
feeling sure that a mind so honourable as yours is bound to be will

FEB. 14, 1877.]




take no undue advantage." I replied with that diffidence characteristic
of pe, Mr. Judkins, you will find me not unworthy of the confi-
dence you have reposed in me; I will take half the gross receipts, and
yo0, after paying the expenses of advertising, printing, and engraving,
i44y keep the rest." I am sorry to say, for the credit of humanity,
that he was in no way inclined to agree to this, and we were very
nearly parting, but as no one had as yet made me anything like so good
an offer, I at last closed with his, which was in effect that we should
divide the net profits on all valentines, Easter and Christmas dards,
etc., that were published by the firm after-and on this he laid much
stress in his meanness-after all preliminary expenses had been
deducted. It was, as you may understand, subsequent to this that I
did my Valentine to a Money Grubber, which you may remember. In
it ocGur'the following:-
Oh, grasping, greedy, grubbing chap,
The world must wonder what you're at.
It's casting pearls before a jolly old swine
To write about you in this Valentine."
This, which took me a deal of time and no end of trouble, rankled
in his mind somewhat. Batthe end was at hand. Having done so much
work that was really good, I didn't care to hide my light any longer
under a bushel. We had those valentines I have mentioned reissued
with my name printed on them, and With words by Percy Plan-
tagenet Montgomery de Snooks became quite a common announce-
ment in thp papers. As we advertised well, of course we received
plenty of excellent notices. I often used to laugh in my sleeve when
editors who had rejected my copy in early days now said the work
was exquisitely tender in its melting monodies," or scathingly
satirical when its vigorous versification was thoroughly understood."
It is noticeable that the editor who wrote that last was the very speci-
men of the Not up to our standard style I had in my mind when I
penned 'the verses he so praised.
Well; one night when I was in the zenith of my fame, I met at
dinner a valentine maker who was the great rival of Judkins, or
rather who had been until I had come to Judkins's rescue. I was
introduced to him, of course, and after some affable conversation he
led me into the conservatory and said, Mr. Snooks, I am a devout
admirer of your work. I have often wished to be introduced to you, so
that I might say, Percy Plantagenet Montgomery de Snooks, I have
a daughter who is young and lovely. I have money, and sums invested
in securities; I have leasehold and freehold property- .' Here he
broke off abruptly and darted away, bringing back a lovely creature
whom I had been admiring all the evening, and who now admitted by
her blushes that I was not indifferent to her. Then, continued Mr.
Yappstick-Yappstick was his name, perhaps you'll remember it as
being connected with a very large business-then, continued he, This
is my daughter; take her, and be happy. Bless you, my children!"
At this moment our host and hostess joined us, and I was relieved of
the difficulty of accepting or rejecting the offer at once.
But in the morning I went to Judkins, and asked him what more
he intended doing for me. He replied that I was already doing a
good deal better than I had any right to expect, and was even then
profiting by the advertising machinery he had set in work, and was
only a duffer after all if people had but the sense to Eee it for them-
selves. This was enough for me. I left him there and then, and
within a week was wed to Sophonisba Yappstick. In a year Judkins
was glad to sell his interest in the valentine business at a ruinous
Sacrifice, and ultimately died in the workhouse. He had the cheek to
send to me when he was at his last gasp, but I gave his messenger a
word or two which proved better than foolish sympathy and money
assistance, I'll warrant. Long before this, though, old Yappstick had
himself died, leaving us the whole of his vast wealth, and that's how
it is I am so comfortable and so different from what I was when I
used to meet you a few years back.
We gave up the valentine business when the old gentleman died,
and bought this place, where I so unexpectedly ran against you the
other day. I don't do much verse-writing now, but occasionally, when
the idea seizes me, I scribble a comic song for my particular friend,
Cadboy, the champion comique, and some of my things have been
tremendously successful. It doesn't do, however, for a gentleman of
property to have too much to do with literature; it's a bit low when
you've got land and expect to become a county member. But this I
do mean to say, that whenever I hear of fellows trying and trying,
and not getting on in journalism and literature, I know at once its
because they haven't got the ability and the genius which pulled me
through in the face of- those discouragements and disadvantages I have
just related.

A Distinction well earned.
ONE of the sporting papers speaks of an old gentleman as the Nestor
of the turf. As the gentleman in question is a frequent contributor
to the sporting literature of his country and is a tremendous authority
on pedigree and strains of blood,' we shall propose that in future
he be called the Mares' Nestor.

[FEB. 14, 1877.


JF all the girls I know
or care to tell,
There's none I.love so
true as blue eyed
Her presence warms my
heart as would light
sparkling wine.
e My Nell is tall and fair,
and bright and glad,
A merry girl not likely
to be sad,
So I'll no other maid for
my true Valentine.
Yet when I think upon
the married state
May thoughts will often
wander to sweet Kate,
The little dark-eyed dar-
ling! would that she
were mine !
On any wintry day I'd
walk a mile
To hear her sing or see
her winning Emile ;-
I must have little Katie
A dfor my Valentine.
Tnea three as young Jessie with the rich brown hair,
As good a girl as man could wish to share
His fortune, from glad youth to fitful life's decline.
Her graceful beauty all devoid of art;
Her truth-like eyes proclaim a loving heart-
Young Jessie I would that she were my sweet Valentine.
And now I think of Mary, young and dear,
A darling soul that's born man's heart to cheer,
To guide his way, and all his better thoughts refine;
With her the home hearth would be joybus day,
Her gentle love would drive each care away,-
I cannot lose sweet Mary for my Valentine.
Now here's a pretty list What shall I do
To make a choice when all are good and true ?
When either would turn darkest day to bright sunshine.
Besides, I know at least a dozen more,
Or counting up might make "the lot a score,
And every one I'd wish to be my Valentine.
Well I this same puzzle I must leave to you,
Good kindly-hearted reader, tried and true
My fate into your hands I gladly now resign.
Say, is it Kate or Mary, Jess or Nell?
Or shall I have the other "dears" as well P
A dozen tied together for my Valentine.

Stranger than Strange.
THE Birr'nighat Post has most likely been affected by the utter-
ances of Mr. Forbes, who is so very muchannoyed at people daring to
get cut to pieces and otherwise killed and disfigured on his railway at
his expense and that of his directors and shareholders. Perhaps
actions for libel will in future be brought by railway managers against
papers that dare to say that any real harm has happened to anyone
through accidents" by collision or otherwise. Should Mr. Forbes
have his own way and the publication of particulars be made penal,
we cannot recommend any course better than that already adopted by
our Brummagem contemporary, which tells of an accident near
Chester, wherein all the carriages were much injured, and many were
thrown off the line, while the engine and tender were "s mashed to
pieces." The Post then proceeds:1" Strange to say, none of the
passengers were hurt. Several were very much shaken, and one or
two complained of more serious injuries. Mr. Cuzner, choirmaster of
Chester Cathedral, was a good deal cut about the face. The driver of
the express was not much hurt, but the fireman was severely injured.'
As the rost itself says, strange to say, indeed!

Mn. DANIEL, GAr has been requested to come forward "presently"
as a candidate for Marylebone in the Liberal interest. The country
can do with him. 'here are several things it wants a Liberal
Grant I or.

~_____________________ ___ __ I'JIFUN.-FEBRUARY 14, 1877.



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FPB. 14, 1877.] F U N 63

Weas I to send a Valentine to you, 1
Sweet guardian of my heart-I'd choose a rare one,
And its design should be entirely new-
(Were I an artist, I'd at once prep tre one). !
"The Growth of Love," as subject I'd select -
(And Love's a pleasant theme, though some deride it);
COaventional ideas I would reject,
For into several phases I'd divide it !
Phaq, 1 should show my darling ere she grew
To womanhood-a'blue-e 'ek'udding flower-
A fairy, drowned with locks'of goldeoa 'he,
In ignorance, as yet, of Lve's sweet power.
With fancy still unfettered, so to speak,
A heart-free maid, with Eros unacquainted;
With tiny dimples, playing hide and seek
About her cheeks, with twin blush-roses painted.
Phase 2 should bring my hero on the scene;
And graces in the maiden he'd discover.
To cause him to acknowledge her his queen,
And strongly plead to be accepted lover."
Herein I'd strive to show them as they wooed,
And rambled oft through meadows decked with
Whilst overhead the skies were azure-hued,-
And next I'd show the chiefest of my phases.
Phse 3.-The time, 'a snowy winter's day.
The scene, the house wherein the damsel's dwelling.
As o'er the twain the firelight's shadows play,
She listens to a tender tale he's telling.
The lover, toying with each golden tress,
Propounds a certain question to the maiden,
And trustfully she whispers to him, "Yes,"
And both their hearts with happiness are laden.

And when my Valentine was finished, dear,
I'd choose myself to carefully convey it;
Ni post-6fficials would I trust, for fear
Unthinking ones might inju are or mislay it.
And, darling, no reward I'd claim but this, A DOUBTFUL CASE.
Your loving glance, for that would well repay me;
Still, e'en should. I demand.otoou a kiss, Young Lady Stell:-"I WANT A VALENTINE, PLEASE.
I'vdnot the slightest doubt, ,Iove, you'd obey me! Shopman (urbanely) :-"Is IT FOR A-MR-LADY OR A-R-GENTLEMAN "

A RESPECTABrLE man, who in an unfortunate moment thrashed his I SENT my love a valentine and covered it with kisses,
child a little too heavily for refusing to obey him, has been sent to Ere trusting to the penny post to take it on its way.
prison for six months, with hard labour. We do not object to this pro- "Believe me, dearest, loveliest, and tenderest of misses,
vided the same sauce is served out all round; but we should like to I'm your devoted servitor for ever and a day.
know why Mr. Hammersmith Bridge remanded the father because, at There's nought that you could ask of me that wouldn't be a pleasure:
the first examination, he was afraid "if he then passed sentence his I'd drink your health in everything that's sold across the bar,"-
indignation would cause him to be unjust "-and then, on the second (My love she is a Hebe, and a perfect little treasure;
day, gave him the heaviest amount of punishment it is in a magis- And by Lush and Liquor's "ladies" she's regarded as the star.)
trate's power to inflict? Also, we should like to know why at the
same court, under the same magistrate, hulking ruffians who commit I got an answer speedily-indeed, 'twas unexpected;
brutal and unprovoked assaults upon passers-by receive punishment It came before the day was out (by last suburban post).
ridiculous in its lenity; why wife-beaters of a ferocious type have no Well, now this is attentive-in this quarter she's affected,
need to fear the full extent of the law; and why old gentlemen of She has heard of my successes, though I'm not the one to boast."
feeble intellect are so ready to express sympathy with what they know I tore the letter open, and admit I came a cropper,
so little about, when other people have to pay the penalty ? By all When a dirty piece of paper in the envelope I found,
means let brutes and ruffians suffer, but let them all share and And read, "Ser, I like your nocions hand your promises are proper,
share alike, and don't demand of one unfortunate an extra price for I should like a Sealskin Jacket hand the price is 20."
the clemency meted out to others. Perhaps, in addition to the ques-
tions we have asked, payers of parochial rates will do well to ask who Novel Noose.
is to Bridge over the time that this man will be prevented from T real name of Mr. arwood, it is stated on authority, is Fisher.
working to keep a large and hitherto well-cared-for family ? THE real name of Mr. MrWOOd, it if stated on authority, is Fisher.
Perhaps that accounts for his always casting such a long line.
Talking of this Fisher of men, reminds us that still another authority
Showing his Hand. states he is "an ardent disciple of anti-vivisectionist doctrines." Of
A Fiw evenings since, Mr. C. A. Ferrier gave a reading at the City course, it is only natural that he would prefer to see the subjects, if
of London College, "illustrating" Scottish and English poetry and not the doctors, "hanged first." We trust the anti-vivisectionist
humour. During "the interval," and thereby preventing it from agitators like their latest supporter. They are welcome to him for us
becoming an interval, Dr. B. W. Richardson, F.R.S., who took the as a decided acquisition to the ranks; but we are afraid they won't
chair, read a poem and a scene from one of his own plays. It will think him a very great Ketch.
not surprise many of our hearers to learn that the play selected by the
worthy doctor who would so revolutionise our way of living and Erin go (Alham) bragh.
dethrone those most cherished and time-honoured monarchs Precedent THE Duke of Connaught went to the Alhambra the other evening
and Practice, is entitled Cromwell. Nothing like following an illus- and took his suite. When his mama was asked if she knew he was
trious example, no matter how original one may wish to be in out, she replied, "Oh, yes, the Connaughty boy has gone to the
reality. Alhambra."


[FEB. 14, 1877.


"On Wednesday morning about 200 of the poorest inhabitants of Lower Gornal
attended early service at the church, the attraction being the distribution of 100
loaves, given by Sir Horace St. Paul, to the poor owing to bad trade. The vicar
preached to them on the text, 'Ye seek me not because of the miracle, but because
of the loaves,' saying that hypocrisy had moreto do with their presence there that
day than religion.' -Daily Paper.

A PARSON, who points us the way we should go,
Regards his new hearers with conscious misgiving.
How shocking," he thinks, for a vicar to know
Not a soul of 'em comes for the eloquent flow
Of the gracious discourse which has got in a living'!
"'Tis sad to see common folk finding us out,
And coming to church with their bread-winning wishes.
It's injury flat! for there isn't a doubt
That as soon as they've leaves they'll be raising a shout
For our clerical rights, both the loaves and the fishes."

"Beware o' Widders."
A wIDOw in Liverpool has been charged with concealing the births
of, or killing, five illegitimate children. In a fit of originality, the
Southport -Daily News heads the Police-court account, Alleged
Wholesale Matricide by a Widow." We have good authority for
the ability and general ingenuity of widows, but even Tony Weller's
best could hardly be expected to possess a plurality of mothers, and
without them she must lay the alleged wholesale matter-aside until a
new development, or at least a more fitting opportunity, occurs to her.

A Long Pull and a Strong Pull.
THE gentleman who edits the advertisements in the Newcastle
Chronicle is evidently a humourist. Otherwise he would not have put
under Situations Vacant," the following :-" Wanted, Overhead
Traveller, to lift 10 to 20 tons." When asked why he classified it
thus, this rising Newcastrian comic man said, how was he to know
it wasn't a human being that was wanted-they didn't teach crane-
iology where he went to school? Not bad, was it, for one so far
North ?

The Good Shepherd."
ON the back page of this number will be found an advertisement of
a "presentation plate," bearing the above title. We have no
connection with the venture beyond advertising it in the ordinary
way; but as the picture has been submitted to us for opinion, we have
much pleasure in saying that it seems to us to be worth considerably
more than the money asked for it, and should therefore find "no end"
of purchasers.
CECILIA ASHE writes vigorously to deny the statement made in
a musical pamphlet by V. F. Routh, that Dibdin was the slave of
drink." The lady is the great song-writer's granddaughter, and hits
"the slanderer" hard. It isn't often that an attack on a dead man
causes the Ashes to cry out, though such a result has often been

WHY is looking about you like lending at sixty per cent. ?-Because
it's a case of use your eye.

FTi. 14, 18M7.]



The Cabby sometimes gets an extra cup. A
tixpence extra makes Jehu" gee up.

A Spicy 8 vell now here you see; he
is as well as swell can be.

The Coster's Valentine: no joke begins
and ends oft with his moke."

The owl the type of wisdom is, but
not the howl on this one's phis.


"The people say I like cold meat. Of Ritualism he's a shining
My heart is often on light, though oft perhaps does
the beat.'" wrong when he does "rite."

A motto for the ancient dame This lady fair, with plaited Origin of species thinks worthy of
might be Oh, Robur, tresses, doats on her mention this learned old boy
toi quej'aime." dresses and addresses, with his bones" of contention.

OPENING f Parliament. Fine words butter no parsnips." The
proverb is homely but apposite. = Still more new newspapers. The
newness of the papers is a good deal newer than the news contained
in them. = Conservatives are trying to get up an excitement against
Tchernayeff similar to that of General Haynau and the brewers'
draymen. But they forget our own experiences of the "unspeakable
Turk" since then. = A contemporary says, Kid for.ladies' bonnets is
the latest novelty." And yet kid for ladies' arms is as old as the
world itself = "The average age of ferrets is six years." That's
what you may call ferreting out a fact for the sake of fancy. = Spain
is said by an agricultural journal to be the first country into which
spinach was introduced." Then Gammon must have been its in-
digenous home after all! s Immense consignments of American meat
find immediate sale at all our ports. Justice is at last being melted
out to our money grubbers at last. = Le a Droits de l'Homme has been
suspended for six months, and the publisher sentenced to three months
imprisonment. And this is in a Republic! Reformers, be warned in
time I = A member of the Eden Conservancy Board has been fined for
having an unclean salmon in his possession. The defence, that he had
no soap, was not considered sufficient. This was both arbitrary and
UxTELINE.-IT is proposed to tax cats. For the benefit of the public
purrs, of course.

YotR eyes, my love, are Himmel blue,
Your sunny smile my Himmel's true;
This valentine I send to you
From Rimmel.
For that which comes from Him'll show,
In sweet design and words that flow,
I'd have you hold me here below
Your Himmel.

Only his Due-drops.
COLONEL BODEN is going to contest Stoke-on-Trent. The Doctor
looks upon the announcement as Boden no good to him and an impu-
dent attempt to rob him of his (S) toke.
Si'l vous Play.
IT is stated on high authority that theatrical lessees are not able to
abolish fees because the present plan is so feesable.
Musical Mem.
TaE new song, The King's Highway," is written in the key of the


HE City was finished; a beautiful ex-
perimental city by the sea, built forthe
promotion of a healthy state of mind.
No thought, no expense, no trouble
had been spared in the arrangement
of everything in such a way that it
should favour the object of the scheme;
everything about the place set forth
symbolically one of the great attributes
of a healthy state of mind, uprightness,
S4.straightforwardness, simplicity, and
so on.
The houses, perfectly upright,
looked upon one entirely straight
street leading to the sea (chosen
as a neighbour on account of its well-known greenness and
child-like habit of swallowing everything). It was calculated by
the promoters-all perfectly simple-minded men, mostly lawyers,
ritualistic clergymen, and stockbrokers-that the influence of the
place upon any person who could be induced to reside there for a
month or so would be such that a healthy state of mind would of
necessity result, even in opposition to the wishes of the resident. Over
the two upright gates of the city were sculptured doves bearing lilies;
the city had no nooks or corners (except right-angles), everything
being on the square; as much green grass as possible had been intro-
duced about the place; two lambs skipped all day in a little enclosure
in front of each w.elling-house; anr-in every house was a volume
of Tupper's works. Of necessity the houses were arranged as uncom-
fortably as human ingenuity could devise, for the purpose of checking
all tendency to physical indulgence, which so sadly undermines the
health of the mind; there were no fireplaces, and all the rooms were
inside out, the roof being at the bottom, and so forth.
So the city was advertised, and the promoters, simple-minded men,
waited for people desirous of attaining a healthy state of mind to
answer the advertisements and take leases of the city's residences.
But no one came near the city, and week after week those promoters
waited in vain; and after a time it was decided that someone must be
forced to take up his residence in the place, and make a beginning, to
encourage others. So the promoters went out and captured the most
innocent-lookig man they could find, a general agent, and forced him

with fearful threats (sweetened with great rewards) to live in the ex-
perimental city. At first he found it intolerably uncomfortable, and
vowed that the mind-simplifying influence of the place did not affect
him in the least; but the promoters advertised him largely as their
first successful subject," dwelling on the increasing simplicity of his
mind in large letters.
Still, he swore the place affected him no jot; but the promoters
advertised him again as the simple-minded agent of Somethingopolis,
until the thing created a stir.

[FEB. 14, 1877.

Then the agent was taken about and shown, and the really innocent
look in his face convinced everyone of the beneficent influence of the
city. And, somehow, people began to flock in with commissions for
the simple-minded agent until he began-to make money so fast that
he could not count it.
Then, suddenly, he thought he did begin to feel the gocd influence
of the experimental city, and said so to his promoters, who smiled and
patted him, for they had always had faith in their city. And the
agent began to grow exceedingly rich, owing to his great reputation
for health of mind.; and by and by other men (most of them lawyers,
agents, money-lenders, and such) seeing how greatly his mind had
improved in health, began to have a yearning for their own minds to
be influenced in the same way. And many of these men were not
doing well in their professions or callings; but they looked upon
heahh of mind as their chiefest aim, and having no thought for any-
thing else, came to live at Somethingopolis.

And the sculptured doves, and the uprightness of the houses, and
the simplicity of the sea and of the lambs so began to influence their
minds for the better, that ere long they were one and aU enabled to
place their names to testimonials in the public newspapers thanking
the promoters of the city and testifying to the completely healthy and
upright state of their own minds.
Many of them described their symptoms of accession to health
minutely, and set forth how that they were now incapable of the least
deceit or sharp dealing, owing to the city's good effects. And the
business of all those testimonialists increased greatly, until after a
time no one would think of employing any man of business unless the
same were a resident of the city of Somethingopolis. But oze day, as
I must tell you, terrible things occurred ; for the houses became less
upright, and the road grew crooked, anithe lambls refused to, skip, and
the sea lost its greenness and grew quite deep; so that it was felt by
all the inhabitants of that city that there was something wrong, some
discordant element in their midst.
And so it came to be discovered ,that the general agent had so
swerved as to misappropriate a sum of money, belonging to one of. the
So the general agent was cast forth and lost his reputation, and was
unable to get his living anyhow, and went down in the world; but the
lambs took to skipping again and the houses became once more
upright. And everyone dealt fairly with the promoters in future, and
the inhabitants became healthier in mind, and got more patronage
every day; and the experimental city of Somethingopolis was a
complete success.
Featherly Counsel.
IT is proposed to settle a grave difficulty by substituting Imperial
for Colonial Federation. New song for the difficulty smasher, I'll
strike you with a Fedder-ation."

THE~n is a town in Wales named Llanpumpsaint. When that
statue of Sir Wilfrid Lawson is ready we hope this place will be

OF BEEF. Awine uang in lavour netpor A delious drink, possessing the most astonishing In.
combining thenutritive proeies o e solid food. A ot o v rating powers.-Stores: 12, CLOAK LANE, E.C., and Wine

TalOro's P OatRent ACINE S

Hand Treadl p
machines, from 80s. from 50S. re e

..BRANDAUER & CO,'S New registered "press
ries of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
ationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Boax and
lect the pattern best suited to your hand.

Fzn. 21, 1877.]




THE charming collection of water colours now exhibiting at the
gallery of Messrs. Agnew and Sons, 5, Waterloo-place, is an opitomised
history of this branch of art in England. We here find beautiful
examples of Girten, De Wint, Turner, Coply Fielding, Cox, W. Hunt,
Stanfield, Pyne, Cattermole, and Muller. Of more modern artists, all
representedat their best ": TheQuarrelat Cards," Sir John Gilbert;
"The Boar Hunt," F. Tayler; two large pictures by E. Duncan;
"The Lock," B. Foster; "Interior of Bamberg Cathedral," F. W.
Burton; "A Flower Girl," F. W. Topham; two important works
by T. Richardson; two beautiful examples of poor Fred Walker, both
painted at the house of his friend B. Foster; a clever little bit by
Millais, originally designed for a wood block; and a grand example of
North, "On the House Tops at Algiers," are amongst the most
important features of the show. There are a few works by foreign
artists, a good Israels, two chalk sketches tinted with colour by Freer,
and a fine Rosa Bonheur, in The Forest at Fontainbleau;" but if we
had space to pick out the gems of Messrs. Agnew's exhibition, we
might as well print the catalogue from No. 1 to No. 168. The exhibi-
tion is an intellectual treat to all lovers of water-colour painting.
"A harmony in blue and gold" is Mr. Whistler's wonderfully
decorated "Peacock Room" at Prince's Gate, Kensington. It is after
the manner of the Japanese. Mr. Whistler has founded his forms for
ornamentation on the eye and breast feathers of the peacock. On the
ceiling and lower part of the room, the decoration is blue upon gold, while
above the dado the same design is repeated but reversed-gold upon
blue. On the floor is a plain blue carpet; altogether a beautiful
harmony is produced, such as is rarely found combined with such

The Chef Sauce.
THE French President has invented a new sauce for salmon. The
great dish is now Saumon, sauce Maomahonaise.

Boors, books, books!
Is the cry in hovel and hall,
Books, books, books
At every railway stall;
The march of intellect strides
With footsteps rapid and strong,
And the deepest lore no longer hides
In heads of friars with fat old sides
Who kept it all so long I
Books, books, books!
Orations and sermons and themes I
Books, books, books,
Poems and tales and dreams!
Most of them horrible stuff!
Some but fit for the fire!
A tall old folio, brown and bluff,
With its letters crabb'd and paper rough,
Is better worth its hire!
Books, books, books I
To buy, to borrow, to lend!
Alas! of making of many bodks
Will ever there be an end?

Whisky and Waterford.
Ms. BUTT, M.P., has received the freedom of the eity of Waterford.
Without referring for one moment to the quality of the aspeches, we
may point to the intimate connection between Butt and Waterford,
and wonder why Isaac was left empty so long. "None Butt himself
can be his parallel" as a Buttress of the Home Ruie party.


1F4 lL-



[FaB. 21, 1877.

PuTNEY, Twilight.
AM glad, sir, that you see the
advisability 'of allowing me to
S f' resume my duties as guide and
I."': ', philosopher to all friends of rowing.
Some writers of established reputa.
tion and admitted powers would be
"'' ... objectionably inclined, and might
refuse to resume their operations
after the personal notice pub-
lished by you with regard to me
and my work a week or two back;
but I am of different mould. As a
friend of mine of remarkablepowers
of original observation said of me
recently, I combine the wisdom of
i--- the dove with the guilelessness of
IC the serpent. And the knowledge
\ that you have been trying for some
S / time to do without me, and have
searched the sporting papers in
Svain to find a suitable successor
to one who, though humble as
to his abilities, is justly proud
of his position, is a sufficient
revenge for the slights and in-
dignities you have put upon me and the petty jealousies you have
shown of my superior fame. What though I was the errand boy
once! Why, that constitutes my chief claim to a thorough know-
ledge of sporting matters. I should have thought everyone knew
that you can't make bilk purses out of sporting writers' ears. And
even from the broad point of view, all I will say, sir, is, that if you
consider it wrong for a man to have risen to be the honour and
prophet of this journal from the honest, if obscure, rank of errand boy
-why, then, I say, sir, that-well, that you're another.
But to dissemble, and to get on ,ith the true object of this veracious
narrative. My endeavour has been, as you well know, to procure as much
information as is possible during the past couple of weeks concerning
the probabilities of the forthcoming aquatic Carnival upon old Father
Thames. And as the Thames is the river on which this Carnival is to
be decided, and as this Carnival will extend from Putney to Mortlake, I
say, without fear of contumely or of contradiction, that the Thames-
and the Thames between Putney and :Mortlake-is the place to obtain
the desired information in the requisite style and quantity. The
notion of men going down to Oxford and to Cambridge for the purpose
of finding out what is about to happen at Hammersmith, is, to my
mind, a gross and palpable error involving, among other things, much
extra and additional expense. Let those who will blind themselves as
to what is the correct thing to do, I studied the interests of my readers
and went to Putney. From Putney to Mortlake by way of Hammer-
smith and Barnes is the natural course, the course taken by the crews
themselves, and what could be more in accordance with the duties of
vaticinatory vegetation than to spend a day or two on the banks of the
very river where, in a week or so from now, the rival crews will be
disporting ?
Such were my thoughts when, entering on the now placid and peace-
ful Putney, I commenced my search after information special and
exclusive. Gazing on the lofty sign of the Fox and Hounds, I was
at once inspired with the notion that as this was always the head-
quarters of the Oxonians, where could better information be obtained
with regard to their condition and chances ? I entered, and casting an
eagle eye around (without damage, I may observe, to either it or any
of the bystanders) at once singled out the man who would be most
likely to give me the desired information. He was the landlord, and
to him I accordingly addressed myself.
My friend," said I, in my blandest and most dulcet tones, "my
friend, I want half o' stout and bitter, and the straight tip." For one
moment his face was overcast with doubt, but the next a ray of light
seemed to illumine his soul, and beckoning me cautiously into a corner,
he observed.
Oxford's sure to win. But pray goody keep it dark-dark as the
cerulean hue which flaunts my humble flagstaff when the crews arrive
in Putney. Be secret, safe, and above all expeditious in putting on your
pieces and obtaining odds." With these words, and a mysterious nod
which he informed me was used on these occasions instead of a wink, he
jesuitically made his way into his bar parlour and surreptitiously
For awhile I pondered. Shall I," thought I, shall I hurry back
at once to the great metropolis, and after putting all the money I can
spare on Oxford, be the first to give to the world the certainty of the
Isis sons' impending victory? Or, shall I in the interests of Fun's
subscribers, go farther on, even at the risk of faring worse ? After a
while, and stimulated to a sense of duty by the stout and bitter, I

wandered forth determined to see at least the water whereon the
struggle would in course of time ensue, and then determine my future
line of conduct.
Ah, Putney, Putr ey I" soliloquised I, as pacing down its placid
high street I thought of the tumult and the turmoil I had seen there
in the course of many seasons. Ah, Patney, how soon, indeed, will
all this tranquility be changed. How soon, alas! will those calm and
contemplative cabmen, now absorbed in politics and the light literature
of the age, become clamorous and eager! A little while, and yon
small boy so deeply immersed in the pages of Pennydreadfuldom, will
be steered to the soul in blue of both kinds. See that smug tradesman
seated in his shop, with nothing more upon his mind than the question
whether it shall be tripe and itguns or sassingers and mashed for
supper. A week hence, and it will dawn upon his dull comprehensioii
that he can turn an honest penny out of the occasion, and forgetting
tripe and even sausages in his eagerness, he will know no rest until
once again a victory is given to light or dark blue, and peace resumes
its pristine sway o'er Pntney."
By this time I had reached the river's edge, the noble river taking
its headlong course to the sea, and chafing as obstructions rose up here
and there suddenly to its wayward path. It was a solemn and an
impressive sight. Not a soul was to be seen upon the tow-path, and
the plash of one solitary bargee's equally solitary car was all that
could be heard in the upper reaches of the river. Below in the distance
was the Distillery; above, but equally in the distance, was the Soap-
works; right and left were the churches of legendary lore, and crossing
the bridge there was for once a passenger, and in that passenger's
hand the usual halfpenny. Grand, solemn, impressive was the scene,
and as I gazed the spirit of poesy seemed to possess me.
Oh, turgid Thames, as by you sweep and I am on your brink,
You make me feel as if I'd had a drop too much to drink.
Your flashing wave
Invites to lave
The poet, who is so entranced he scarce can breathe or blink-
The poet, who forgets the world when he begins to think.
Oh, turgid Thames, as you run by at such-a rapid pace,
Pray give the poet half a tip about the coming race.
Some omen sh3w
As on you go
That he may earn a lasting fame that nought can e'er efface,
By prophesying who will win and who will get a place! ",
I waited and repeated this once again, but no omen came. But
stay what was the policeman, clad in the darkest of dark blue, who
ordered me to move on and not kick up sueh a row-what, I say,
could he have been but an omen in favour of Oxford!
And now for the Star and Garter, the home of the Cantabs. Let me
at once away to interview the host of that famous establishment, and
transmit the same in due course to my readers. But first of all
remember my advice and my omen, and get on Oxford without more
delay. A trifle from winnings is all I ask, and a small present of game
or an Anglo-Portugallcn of oysters is by no means disagreeable to the
real talent of which I am an honoured, if unworthy, representative.
[Bosh.- ED.]

THE Amalgamated Society of Wreckers have adopted as the
Society's toast of honour The Late Founder."
The Court of Arches will shortly assemble to decide the right of a
clergyman to refuse to christen an auctioneer's son 0-bad-higher."
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals have
abandoned the prosecution of the bulls who gored each other, because
Mr. Knatchbull somebody proved they were merely beefrending each
Nares dined recently with the Grocers. Why not with the game
dealers ? He'd be more at home in the Pole try line.

"Pour Encourager les Autres."
THE Liverpool Courier, in a report of the Bootle School Board
meeting, reports, among other unpleasantnesses, this: Mr. Glasgow
here left the room and destroyed the quorum." We have searched
the rest of the paper in vain for an account of the coroner's inquest,
or a magisterial examination of the culprit. Perhaps the quorum
deserved it, but even then we can hardly see how the cause of educa-
tion is to be served by wholesale massacre like this. Unless, indeed,
the action is to be taken to heart on the Voltaire-Byng principle;
then the amount of good that might come of it is immeasurable.

In the Two-lip Trade.
"GENEVA is described by the ex-Pdre Hyacinthe as the most infidel
and immoral city in Europe." And that Hyacinthe possesses ex-
Pere-ience will be admitted by even those who do not admire his
flowery style of elocution.

Frs. 21, 1877.]



PossassaD of wealth and vast estates,
A man may oft defy the Fates,
And shape his actions to his will,
Despite of Fortune's boasted skill
In thwarting, nine times out of ten,
The best laid schemes of mice and men.
For sample's sake
Suppose we take
Of men who always had their whim
That curious fellow, Gurton Grimm.
The only heir to gold and lands
Which passed at manhood to his hands,
Free from the fetter called a wife,
To cramp and cripple ways of life,
Young Grimm resolved through his career
His wayward barque himself to steer,
To do all things he had a mind,
And only when he felt inclined.
His watch he crushed beneath his heel,
Forbade the village bells to peal;
He smashed the movements, cut the weights
Of all the clocks on his estates.
For how can one to freedom climb
Whose actions are controlled by time ?
The rules of life this man defied,
And argued with, he merely cried-
" I'll eat and drink and go to bed
Just when I take it in my head."
He kept his word, and often dined
At six a.m. I even find
He once upset the household quite
By breakfasting at twelve at night;
And when he strolled about his lands,
His servants walked behind in bands,
Conveying dainties duly spread,-
A chair, a table, and a bed,
That he might, if the whim arose,
Eat, drink, or even take a doze.
Defying rules he travelled, too,
The whole surrounding country through.
No Bradshaw's guide confused his brains,
He took no heed of time or trains,
No 'spress just gone" his spirit vext,
He sat and waited for the next.
The village parson marked his whim,
And openly would jeer at him,

And joking, ask if death would find
His lordship when he was inclined.
The fancy nettled Gurton much,
That Death might come with sudden touch.
"Alas he mannmured with a sigh,
" I may not be inclined to die."
Continuous thought
A notion brought,
And Garton straight made up his mind
That when he died he'd be inclined.
Next day at dawn, with Parson Brown,
He sought a distant seaport town,
And from a high and slanting cliff
Survey'd "the homeward-veering skiff."
" Here, parson," cried he; Garton Grimm,
In death as life, will have his whim."
Then off the cliff he jumped and went;
The bottom reached, his breath was spent,
But still he had enough to shout-
" My slanting body here stretched out
Behold, good sir, and then deny
That Garten Grimm's inclined to dle."
Your praise I claim for Gurton Grimm,
Consistent even to a whim;
He lived just as he had a mind to,
And when he died he was inclined to.

Not of the "Examiner."
MR. PARSINSON, of Church-street, Preston-we give his full address
as he deserves all honour-generously wrote to the Home Secretary
and nobly requested that the reward for finding the remains of Emily
Holland should be divided between the family of Fish and the parents
of the murdered child." How rarely it is we find our common humanity
prepared to sacrifice its own interests like this for the good of others!
The people of Preston ought to regard Mr. Parkinson as well
worthy of a testimonial for his self-abnegation. To our thinking Mr.
Parkinson's merit is not a whit the less prominent because the reward
didn't happen to be his to give away, but was rightfully the property
of Mr. Peter Taylor. (To prevent mistakes and avoid the necessity of
"disclaimers" we beg to state this is not Mr. Peter Taylor, M.P.,
admirer of garotters and whilom opponent of Mr. Robert Buchanan.)

By Report.
TeAT the truth will out now and again, even by means of a
"reportorial" or typographical blunder, is shown every day. Here
it is again in a cutting from a report of a crowner's quest. The
foreman of the jury said the verdict was one of manslaughter. There
appears to be little doubt he is insane." So little that the verdict of
the reporter might be taken as read, not only with regard to this
particular foreman, but to a large proportion of foremen and juries
throughout the country. The unfortunate part of the business is that
on this particular occasion the foreman was exceptionally smirt, and
the prisoner as mad as a March hare-or a Middlesex magistrate.

THE performance of Auber's Meaaniello seems to be the signal for a
political row and hubbub in Belgium just now. Its announcement
causes the people to come together in a Mass an' Yell, oh !



[FEB. 21, 1877.


I~~ S11 I I

"I assure you, miss, business is so bad that I have been compelled to enlarge my establishment and put larger plate-glass throughout.'


"You'll believe me, ma'am, at this price there is no profit whatever. I lose so much by it that I have been driven to the extremity of engaging
two hundred extra amistants."

"My dear young lady, it was useless to struggle against fate I Business got so bad that I was positively forced to purchase this villa and retire I"





IsE oF




J l I


s V lKy

FPB. 21, 1877.]


I PoT attend St. James's Hall,
When concerts classical are held;
Of course, I have to take a stall,
'Tis thought the thing "-so I'm compelled.
One's forced to float with Fashion's stream,
Which onward runs, and never stops,
Else one would forfeit all esteem.
As everybody knows-the cream"
All patronise the Monday "Pops" !

I don't see why I should attend,
For ohamber-music I've no ear;
I can't the programme comprehend,
Nor yet pronounce the names, I fear.
All "fugues," sonatas "-gems unique-
All variations "-" scherzoes "-" ops "-
They all appear to me but Greek.-
But still I go-yes, every week
I take my dose of Monday Pops."
I'd rather bear a comic song,
For that's a thing I understand;
I'm well aware it's very wrong,
But music-halls to me are grand."
For e'en when Biilow plays, I nod-
My head upon my bosom drops;
And though it may seem somewhat odd
I'd rather witness Sweeney Todd "
Than sit out dreary Monday Pops."
Yet folks around exhibit glee
(Their joy, alas! I fail to share)
When somebody's quartet in "D '
Is wafted on the evening air.
And much applause is oft bestowed
On players having heads like mops;-
And Fashion's stern, relentless code
Enacts that it is dlU mode
To figure at the Monday Pops."

I ~,; ~I


IT was a dark night; not one star ventured forth to disple.y a
solitary twinkle, and e it was raining. Not that that's a
rare occurrence in England, but on this occasion it was rainier than
ever, and Muggins had no umbrella. Up to the present he had been
unable to afford such a luxury, for Muggins was only a cheesemonger's
assistant, and, as you may suppose, his salary was not of the
largest; nevertheless, he was a young man of a hopeful turn of mind,
and expected a rise sometime or other.
Well, as I before remarked, on the night in question it rained, and
Muggins had a long way to go home. "This is a pretty state of
things," said he; "the busses are crammed, and cabs it won't run
to. I'll have to trudge through it I suppose." So, manfully
buttoning up his coat and lighting his humble "clay," he started.
Visions of home rose before him, and he fondly pictured to himself the
wife of his bosom ready with smile and supper, proudly caressing a
dimpled dot of an infant-an infant of the mature age of six months
(the first). In his mind's eye he saw the fond and doting mother's
pride, when her precious petsy wetsy," on being told to look at its
dada, then," vented a series of semi-suppressed coos." And he not
unnaturally yearned for his family and his fireside.
As he was trudging along in the wet, anxious for the wifely
welcome, a happy thought struck him. I'll take a short out by way
of Vauxhall Bridge," he exclaimed; so he bent his steps in that
direction. On reaching the pay-place he cheerfully parted with the
necessary "brown," and passed on to the bridge. Defiant of the
drenching rain, he plodded on. But as he was reloading his pipe,
when he had reached the middle of the bridge something impelled him
to gaze over on the eddying waters beneath; when, suddenly he
reeled backwards, as if struck by a dreadful blow, and fell sense-
less on the pavement!
Upon returning to consciousness, he clutched the railings of the
bridge and pulled himself up, and then proceeded to take stock of
himself. But no, nothing was gone-he had still in his pocket the
fourpence with which he left the shop (minus the halfpenny he had
paid the toll-keeper). He felt in the rearward pocket of his top-coat;
there was still the half-pound of fresh butter he had arranged to take
the missus," only it was certainly a trifle flattened by his fall. He
had no marks of violence upon him that he could discover, no san-
guinary gore was welling from his nasal organ. He had not been

robbed! Then why that dreadful blow? What had he done to
deserve being felled to the ground in such a manner F After much
searching he found a policeman. That intelligent individual, of
course, could not enlighten him. He wandered home sadly, and told
his wife.
Next morning, on proceeding cautiously, very cautiously, over the
bridge, on his way to work, he discovered what had caused it. He
scented danger afar off, this journey, and turned back end went
another way. And, what on earth do you imagine it was, 0 reader?
Why, it was the peculiarly strong odour of the river at that spot that
had knocked Muggins backwards; and I'd advise you all to avoid
Vauxhall, or you might perchance suffer as Muggins did.
"And now I come to think of it," said Mluggins, "I suppose that's
what they charge the ha'penny for."

Conservative Caution.
A PROVINciAL contemporary states, in all gravity, "the most
fanatical Moslems are most persistent newspaper readers." Here the
case is different, fanaticism a necessity of the persistent writer.
Insanity is the only right of the persistent reader. No wonder our
provincial contemporary, which is persistently Conservative, is shocked
and astonished.

All the Fun of the Fair.
MIss CLASA GRIFFITHS, actress, has been smacking the face of Mr.
Fair, actor. We sympathise with the lady's desire to make a Fair hit,
but hope Ehe won't do it again. The complainant was a man, and
ought to be able to take care of himself; but no one likes to see a Fair
face smacked.

The Peaceful Slope.
IT is stated that there are now eight Russian warships at San
Francisco." This in itself should be a sufficient evidence of the Czar's
Pacific programme.

0. H. M. 8.
THE Prince and Princess of Wales went to see the Invisible Prince
the other night. It's not so long since they used to go and see the
Invisible Queen.



1 74

rFiB. 21, 1877.

Little Girl looking at Old Lody'sfjwellery :-" PLEASE, GBANNIE, GIVE ME THOSE BARRINGS "

LORD BRACONSFIBLD has declined to allow a short history of the
Early Christians to be dedicated to him, on the ground that he is an
Early D'Israel light.
The Home Secretary has been invited to take an active part in the
Eastern Debates. Being a case of Cross versus Crescent, he feels a
personal interest in the matter.
The First Commissioner of Public Works is working up an amateur
West-end Christy troop. They will sit in a Rotten-row, with him-
self for the Hyde-park corner man.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson is arranging a female society for the abolition
of gin drinking. He calls it, The Geneva Convention."
Mr. Jenkins intends to support the Premier's policy. He says that,
as member for Done D. he must.

L'Union fait la Force."
WE have been requested to say a word for the Printers' Art Union,
the sixth annual drawing of which will take place at the Cannon-
street Hotel on the 24th prox. After carefully studying the pro-
spectus, and seeing what has been done, as well as what is about to be
done, we have arrived at the conclusion that the Association is so
genuine an affair that it requires no recommendation from us beyond
a reminder that the secretary's address is 3, Raquet- court, E.C., where
full particulars may be obtained.

"Jack's Delight."
A PRoviNCiAL paper states that as a proof of the mildness of the
season, full blown roses were gathered out of doors at Kinnerton by
Mrs. Frost. Can it be that our old friend Jack, who hasn't been seen
all this season, is laid up and has to depute some small duties to his
missus ? Anyhow, it seems strange that the mildness of the season
should be proved by Frost nipping the roses!

Yrs! here they are-a quire or so-unanimously hideous,
Of animals purporting to be likenesses of me;
Oh, take them up and laugh at them, you needn't be fastidious,
From sensitive annoyance on the subject I am free.
In fact, I think the senders ought to treat with an apology-
If any mere apology can clear a tarnished fame-
The moderately inoffensive samples of Zoology
They've libellously ticketed with my forbidding name.
A Donkey may be foolish, but no Donkey of gentility
Would ever condescend to be so great an ass as me;
I can't believe a Monkey with the least respectability
In antics would indulge to my contemptible degree.
,The greediest of Pigs would be aghast at my voracity,
The surliest of Bears my depth of temper couldn't touch,
The cunningest of Foxes couldn't compass my mendacity-
-I'm certain the suggestion would annoy them very much.
My character's, in point of fact, disgraceful to humanity;
I've no redeeming feature you can possibly detect.
A maEs of loathsome paltriness and idiotic vanity,
I'm utterly contemptible in every respect;
Which seems to me enough, without becoming argumentative,
To prove no ugly valentine can hurt me in the least-
How ever low an animal they make my representative,
It's flattering to me and most insulting to the beast!

Ask Lord Eicho!
THE escape of a lunatic, whose chief desire is to shoot a Lord Mayor,
is announced. Why a man whose mania took this simple and harm-
less turn was imprisoned we fail to understand. Perhaps it was for
fear he should shoot someone else in mistake.



IT is possible that we only dreamed the following letters from
Hygeiopolis, as we cannot find any trace of them when we look for
them in our letter-rack, and are obliged to write them out again
entirely from memory. Moreover we find, on inquiry, that Hygeiopolis
is not yet built, and that, as a consequence, we can't possibly have a
correspondent resident there; so we suppose we must have dreamed
them. But it's very curious and perplexing.
LETTER No. I.-Hygeiopolis, Tuesday, Eighteen-hundred-and-some-
thing. My dear Brown,-We've just moved in here, and I can t say
we're exactly comfortable yet, you know, as we're not quite used to the
new state of things. We haven't the usual bother of getting the
furniture in its place, as furniture (not being considered conducive to
health) is not allowed in Hygeiopolis; but, on the other hand, we find
it some trouble to limb up and down the pole (we've no staircases,
as they're not considered conducive to health) to and from our rooms.
We do miss the fires a bit-(fires ain't considered conducive either)-
as it's freezing, and we think that it would be more comfortable to have
carpets and curtains-that is, if they didn't harbour disease.
I don't like to be hasty, or I should almost be inclined to say it isn't
comfortable. Smith and his family have moved in, and we
were just going to have a quiet pipe over the matter when the medical
officer came round and said smoking was forbidden, as it isn't con-
sidered conducive. Confound it. sir-mustn't smoke! I wouldn't
have ventured to say it, but it's Smith's opinion too-it- Sir, it
ISN'T comfortable!
LETTER No. 2.-Hygeiopolis. My dear Brown,-We haven't got
quite comfortable yet. The pole-climbing is still irksome for twenty
stone, especially as it's obliged to be greased to prevent its decaying
and infecting the air. Smith agrees with me that it would be nicer to
have bedclothes, as it's ten degrees below freezing; only it wouldn't
do, as impure air clings to 'em so.
Smith and I had just taken some sugar and lemon and hot water and
things up to a quiet corner, and were about to consider the situation
over a glass, when the medical officer called round and said that hot
drinks were not considered conducive. Smith burst into tears. I can
see that Smith pines for his pipe and his glass; it's telling upon him,
and he's visibly paler. I'm out of sorts a bit too-a good bit, I think.
I miss my paper; you see the medical officer says the poisonous gases
given off, by the printing ink render newspapers anything but
conducive, &c. Brown, I am not happy. I have lost two-stone-six, so
has Smith.
A new resident has arrived. I think he is one of the directors or
something. He expresses satisfaction at everything.
LETTER No. 3.-Hygeiopolis. My dear Brown,-I am miserable,
and Smith is miserable; so is everybody. We pine for everything,
and we've all lost five-stone-two more. We hate going about without
hats, only they prevent the escape of impure air, you see. The new
resident (who I am sure is one of the directors) alone is well. He says
he gets better every day, and it's dreadful to see him looking so well.
Smith and I have resolved to try it a bit longer, in hopes of getting
like him. There's some mystery about him. He won't let any of us
enter his house. We want fires; Smith pines for the fireside of his
youth, but you see fires cause such draughts, and all that, that they're
not to be thought of. Smith is going melancholy mad.
LETTER No. 4.-Hygeiopolis. Oh, Brown! We can't bear it!
We've all lost seven-stone-five more, and we pine for everything more
than ever! Smith goes about muttering idiotically about firesides and
pipes and hot grog; and my wife says I talk about hats and staircases
in my sleep.
That new resident is healthier than ever; he's revoltingly and
boisterously healthy! He says he wouldn't go back to the old com-
fortable state of things for worlds.
It has rained for three weeks. This would not be of so much con-
sequence if we had roofs to our houses; but roofs are said to confine
impure air so. There is a mystery about that confoundedly healthy
new resident! He won't let us enter his house. I tried to get in by a
subterfuge the other day; I told him his house was afire, and made a
bolt for the door when I had decoyed him out, but he was too quick
for me. Smith (who is worn down to a miserable skeleton by pining
for his little comforts) swears to.solve the mystery of the new
resident's health or die. We are all miserable skeletons, and have all
lost three-stone-one more since I began this letter. Oh, give us back
our little comforts!
LrTTER No. 5.-Hygeiopolis. Brown! The mystery of the
healthy new resident is cleared up. Smith did it; at least he led us
on. We all went in a body to the new resident's house and surrounded
it. Then we got a ladder and climbed in at his first-floor window, and
there, in a comfortably-carpeted room, with the curtains drawn, that
resident was sitting before a roaring fire and sipping hot gin and water!
Smith is now a gibbering idiot, and we all return to town by the next

I AM sitting by the fireside, and I think I'll write a story,
Or a poem or an essay which shall magnify my name;
I experience a yearning for the thing that's known as glory,
And as other men have got it why should I not covet fame ?
Why should I not be an author with my name in largest letters
On the walls and on the hoardings, in the advertiser's page ?
I will start at once and bind myself in literary fetters,
Buy pens and ink and paper, and on something new engage.
Here's a ream of splendid bluewove and of ink about a puncheon,
'The largest magnum-bonums and the poroupinest quills."
(Before I start I think I'll go and get a bit of luncheon,,
For being in a hurry is the deadliest of ills.
Besides, I must consider out my plot and its conclusion,
And whether it's a poem or a narrative is prose;
And then I'll sport my outer oak to guard against intrusion,
And next-and next for glory as my fervid fancy glows.)
I have had my bit of luncheon; I have thought the matter over,
And it will be precious jolly when the narrative is done;
I shall make a mint of money, and be constantly in clover,
For a work they say's half finished if it's only well begun.
A narrative will be the best to try my maiden hand on,
For everyone likes stories in these novel-reading.,days,.
A poem (when I find a theme to do the special grand on);
Will next add to my laurels, or as poets call them, bayms
Once upon a time a hero "-pshawl but that is in the'oldestylk,
Of poor but honest parents I was born" is staler still-;
I intend to dash off chapters in the boldest of the bold style,-
I only want a notion and I'm at it with a will.
S Said Brown one morning early wouldn't be a bad beginning,
Though what he said's a poser when you want it to be smart;
"'Twas in great London's wilderness where toiling is and, spinning"-
Now that seems pretty promising; let's take it for a~start.
S *5
Still I'm sitting by the fireside, with my pens and ink.andpaper,
Still I'm struggling with the story which reftises-yet to flow,
Many weary hours have vanished since I lit the midnight taper,
I am hungry, I am thirsty, and I'm full of grief and woe.
I am numbed with lengthened struggles-see, another day is breaking,
But no further with my story have I got than you're aware.
I will give this matter over, leave to other heads the aching,
And be satisfied to know the torture writers have to bear.

"A Prophet is not without Honour- ."
IT has often been thought by those who have benefited by the intro-
duction of the penny post, that the inventor of that blessing ought to
receive a testimonial or memorial of some kind. As, however, Sir
Rowland Hill is a modest man and has little beyond his merit to recom-
mend him, he has so far gone untestimonialised. Sir Rowland is now
eighty-two years of age, and so it is considered about time to begin.
Not unfittingly, the movement has been put on foot in Sir Rowland's
native place, Kidderminster. Now that the proposition has been
fairly brought on the carpet-particularly as it is the Kidderminster
carpet-there is every reason to believe the greatest public benefactor
of modern times will not go many years longer without some small
meed of the public's recognition.

After Ruskin.
WE read dreadful accounts of adulterated food in Sheffield, and
worse accounts of the local cookery. There is evidently a field for a
chef in Sheffield. We have heard a good deal about Sheffield ware.
The dainty will have to 'ware Sheffield.

My Own! My, &c. I
TaS Emperor of Germany has been pointing out to his grandson
what ought to be the guiding star of a soldier's career." We know
without any pointing out what is the guiding star of a soldier's career
here if he lives on his pay.- Star-vation.

The DickensI
Ts_ Prince of Wales has been dining with a Mr. Sikes. Things
must be lookingup with our old friend Bill; but the Heir Apparent, if
he keeps low company, should keep it-from the Court Newsman.

Stopped to take up.
A LONDON and North-Western train was seized the other day for a
Poor-rate. This was a bond fide case of dis-training, but the train
must have been going at a poor rate to be seized.

FEB. 21, 1877.]

76 FUN. T[FEB. 2t, 1877.

M little boy is home from school,
And puts me in a passion,
k_ og At learning I am quite a fool
According to the fashion.
I'd tutors and professors once,
And spent some years at college:
This stripling proves me quite a dunce
In every branch of knowledge.
They've only just begun, I learn,
Efficient education-
Our Latin and our Greek they spurn,
To aid our degradation.
My baby says I cannot spell
A word without a blunder;
Are old folks able -who can tell-
To write their names, I wonder ?
The modern tea cher alters all
(See passim Lyon Playfair).
The scholars are the brats who squall
From Minories to Mayfair.
Such excellUeoce our infants reach,
This wondrous Board should rather.
Resign the clever child, and teach
The ignoramus father.

Blind Benevolence.
Ma. PASE, M.P. for South Durham, has taken charge
of a bill to abolish punishment by death." We have
known of several instances of evading punishment by
death, but there is a novelty about this new style of
abolition which is likely to be much too radical for a
t-- Conservative Parliament. A flippant enemy of the
dangerous classes spoke of this measure as a hash-we
don't think it as good as that, it is merely a Pease
-pudding. A Cricketal Objection.

WELL SCHOOLED. A CoN-s.VATIVt post-praudial cackler hazarded the
suggestion at a political banquet that Mr. Disraeli
.Policeman :-" Now THa YOUNG MAN, YOU OUGHT TO Ba IN sCoOL." never stumped the country in search of popularity. He
Smallboy :-" SCHooL, ? UGH! THRER AIN'T NO MORn scHOOL FOR me! got popularity, unfortunately, at one time, and now the
I'VE PASSED ALL MY A8AMINATIONS AND TOOK MY DEGREB; GOT IT FRAMED AND country's bowled out, so it might as well have been
'UNG UP IN OUR EaST D R-IN-m' ROOM." stumped.

THEIR ANSWER. Mr. Cross Purposes.
PoLrrTIcta.-No. Mr. Gladstone never hurt himself in the way LAST week we reflected on the six months with hard labour earned
you describe, and his nasal organ is not chipped. You are probably by a man who, in a fit of passion, thrashed, a little too severely, his
thinking of the last division during the right hon. gentleman's daughter, aged twelve, who refused to obey him. Perhaps the best
premiership, when the Ayes had it and he consequently fell upon his commentary on what we said and what has been said of what we said
Noes. will be said by the following, said by the Dudley correspondent of a
Acron.-We are sorry, but have no power to remove your crumpled daily paper. Enoch Hartsherne was charged to-day with a murderous
roseleaf. You are a perfect Colley Cibberite. assault on his daughter, eight years of age. The girl asked for some
TuRx.-There may be something in what you say, but we should bread, and he thrashed her with his belt until she was a mass of
hardly think that Lord B. sympathised with the Turks because they braises. He was sentenced to 21 days' imprisonment." After this,
had a Mid-hat Pasha. So far from wearing three, the one on top of the crime of the first man would seem his hitherto respectable behaviour
the other, his lordship wears none. At least, you wouldn't call it a hat and the aggravated circumstance of the additionally heinous fact that
if you saw it. the daughter was sufficiently plump and well-fed to make a worthy
WAnD HuNT.-Your offer to give us the command of an ironclad is magistrate feel an interest in her welfare. As for Hartshorne, we
declined with disdain. We shall maintain that the present naval think he has been treated with undue severity for merely mixing him.
administration is a sink of iniquity in spite of it. Your ships go down, self up with stirrup, instead of sweet, oil. ,
and your regulations don't.
Like Master, like Man.
Drawing the Line. A M BaND, formerly cook to George IV., who was made a bank-
A S rTTvI tradesman has suffered severely through his hat having rupt in 1843, has just received his certificate. Not a bad specimen of
"a brown leather lining coloured by a poisonous aniline." He has the Brand either, considering the little peculiarity of his late sacred
registered a vow to wear hats in future without anilining. Majesty and his estimable fraternity.
Postal Telegraph Pens
With Turned-up -Points.
The smoothest writer ever made. S
Ofrall Stationers. Simple lox f r 7 or 13 stains.
OF BtEF. A wine equalling in lavour finest port, and com.
bWingn the nutritive properties of solid food. A boon to the weak,
travellers, and others.
ineA delicious drinks. Cosesio g the most astnishn i nagootr CAUTION.-If Cocoa thickens in the cup it proves the addition of starch.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Deetors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet-street, E.C,-London, February 21, 1877..

sB. 28, 1877.] FUN 77

Mama (who is anxious for her eldest boy to show of):-" DID BVER ANYONE SEE SUCH A TIRESOME BOY! Now WHAT DID I TELL YOU,
FREDDY, WAS THE TENTH PLAGvU ?" Freddy (jumping at it) :-" THE PLAGUE 0' THU PIRST-BOBN !"

Debrett, the most popular of the Peerages, is again to hand, and is
no less welcome this year than it has hitherto been. In the same
volume is the Baronetage, and as the greater should always contain
the less, this in turn includes a Knightage, the whole being personally
revised by and published under the supervision of those whose names
appear within the limits of the book's charmed cover. Replete with
information not only as to our titled aristocracy itself, but about
younger sons as well, Debrett becomes as useful as it is ornamental, and
contains in its often most interesting if sketchy details, plots sufficient
for a thousand novels, each one a thousand times more sensational
than its predecessor.
In A Long Madness (Charing Cross Publishing Company), the author
shows at times possession of considerable power, as power has to be
measured nowadays by lady novelists. This is such comparative rank,
and even this is so often obscured by the writer's endeavours to soar
aloft, that if it were not that some purpose or other is sure to be
served by every book issued from the press, we should advise Miss
Lysaght to rest satisfied with what she has already done, and tempt
providence and the critics-curious combination!-no further. If
also it were not that a tiger who has tasted blood is easier turned aside
from the path of duty than a woman who has once imbued her hands
in the ink of printers!
Cloister Laach (Longley) is the first of five short stories, and for one
of those reasons which are better known to small authors than to us,
gives its name to the book. Though short, and not without some
suspicion of promise, Cloister Laach and its companions might be still
shorter with more than a suspicion of advantage to any but the friend-
liest of readers.
Diversions of Hollyoot and The Lucky Bag are two elegantly bound
little books of the kind with which the firm of Nimmo has for many
years been identified. Soundly and, not infrequently, very cleverly
written, we feel sure these books will both be extensively used as
means of encouragement to those boys and girls who have already been
good, to go and be still better.

The Garden Oracle (Gardeners' Magazine Office) is a fruitful
Satires and skits upon our present political, domestic, and religious
"situations" are fast becoming a nuisance even to those few who
began by believing in their utility. The Spirit of the Age (Bemrose)
contains, however, much that is really clever, and shows that for
once a pamphleteer may have some show of rhyme and rhythm, if not
of reason, on his side. This condones many of the writer's otherwise
heinous sins against good taste; but even as it is, the brochure might
be reduced to half with a decided advantage in quality. The pictures
are peculiar.
The first issue of the Political Library for the People (Mullan and
Son) is entitled The Turks in Europe," and is from the pen of no
less forcible a "fellow" than Edward Freeman. We commend this to
the somewhat numerous class on whom soft words are wasted.
The flying Horseman, the Insurgent Chief, and the Guide to the
Desert form the second instalment of stories by Gustave Aimard now
being reissued by Vickers. The merits of these are sufficiently estab-
lished to require no recommendation from us.

An Altard Heading.
HYMBN is evidently in disfavour in Sydney. Here is an announce-
ment from the Sydney Morning Herald:-
LEADER.-December 1, accidentally, Ernest Fitz Leader, aged 18 years, eldest
son of the late Michael Fitz Leader, draper, Oxford-street, S)dney, leaving
his beloved mother to mourn his untimely end.
Untimely end is by no means a bad synonym for matrimony.

Abbey go Lucky.
THE robbery from Battle Abbey was completed long before the
servants got wind of it. They didn't get wind of it, because the
Duchess's Abbey gales were out of the way.


VOL. Xxv.

78 F N [. 28,1877.

CENE 1.-Exterior of a squalid dwell-
ing somewhere in Hackney. Enter
S Housa AuGENT. Knocks at door,
wAtch is opened by a wretched-looking
"WOMAn, worn with grief, and evi-
dently not over-fed.
AGENT. Pray, pardon me, I've just
called here to say
You'll have to quit this residence
Ere morning you must vanish right
To give you notice fills myheart
with sorrow. (Weeps.)
WoMxA. Have mercy, sir; we're
.poor-ah! very poor;
My children, clothed in rags, for
food are crying!
SN AGENT (drying tears). I can't help
| i P that. You'll have to go, be
I want the house--
WoMAN. And, sir, my hus-
band's dying!
--- AGNT (bullying). Oh, yes, of
course; there's always some
Some poverty or other rot" you're pleading
WoMAx. No nourishment can I afford--
AGENT. The deuce!
Why, all you people think about is feeding!
Don't talk to me of poverty-it's stuff I
And as for food, were you to work you'd get it;
You lower classes never have enough.
Clear out by morning, or you'll all regret it. [Exit.
ScaNE 2.-Interior of aforesaid dwelling. Time, next morning. In
corner of room MAN discovered dying s fast as he can. Nothing over
hinm but a few rags. Wife &,.d several emaciated children huddling
around the empty grate. E',ter AGENT.
AGENT. Still here! Good gracious! Pretty goings on!
I fear me I must forcibly eject you.
(To MAN.) Come, move yourself, 'tis time your lot" was gone.
(Kicks rags of MaN. Child cries.)
You squalling brat, your mother should correct you.
(To MAN.) Get up and work-
WOMAN. Ob, sir, you urge in vain.
Remember, 'tis a dying man you speak to:
One writhing in an agony of pain-
AGENT. Oh, yes, you're very feeling, mild, and meek, too.
No doubt you are as loving as can be,
A wifely pattern, a domestic model;
(Fiercely.) But once again I tell you, ma'am, that he
And you and all your brats must toddle!
WOMAN. Alas! his racking cough- his haggard looks-
AGENT. Oh, darn his cough! He's shamming, I've no doubt,
(Seeing WOMAN in tears.) Drop sentiment-that's very well in books;
Allow me just to take these windows out, ma'am.
(Calling in myrmidons.) You'll see to this affair, my worthy men ?
Take out the window frames, and let the air in.
To stop their getting water, you may then
Nail up the kitchen door. And lest they share in
The pleasures of a fire, you next may tie
The chimney up. These matters muit be seen to.
What though her husband's dying ? Let him die!
I've said I'd make them vanish, and I mean to!
(Exit, chuckling. Returning later on, hefinds MAN dead. Throws corpse
in gutter.)
AmBNT. Just fancy, what audacity to die!
(To Widow). I've no time, ma'am, with you to hold communion.
You'll get another husband by and by,-
And that's your nearest way to Hackney Union! I
(Bundles widow and children into the street. Then goes home to luxuriate.
After dinner his eye catches a paragraph in the papers relative to a case
of death from starvation-a thing which very seldom happens.)
AGENT (reading'. What's this I see ? Can I believe my eyes P
A person perishing from sheer starvation !
The world around him heedless of his cries-
(Shocked.) Good gracious me! And in a Christian nation !

BAssISHAW BRAZNOSE was devoted to art from his cradle. He had
a Ruskinian contempt for a badly-designed spoon handle at two
months, he lisped the cant of the studios at half a twelvemonth, and
on his second birthday delivered an interesting lecture to his mother
and the cat on the defective drawing and bad colouring of the pictures
in his toy book. To the carping criticism of infancy succeeded the
fervid devotica of childhood. Between the ages of 6 and 12 he was
lost 79 times, and upon each occasion was he found in a public picture
gallery 1, st in contemplation of some famous chef d'auvre. Utterly
neglectful of everything else, he learned to read just well enough to
spell out the Lives of the Painters," and mastered the geographical
and historical facts that Italy, the home of art,'was in the South of
Europe, and that the principal event of the reign of Victoria was the
birth of Master Ouless, A.R A.
Of course, when he became a man he -was poor. What could you
expect under the circumstances ? Now it happened that at about the
poorest point in his career, just when he hadn't a bob to pay 'r his
admission to his dearly loved galleries, it fell -suddenly to be theWtashEon
to decorate the walls of hospitals with works of art. Old matters and
new masters, national heirlooms and private gifts, found thetr'way-in
quick succession to those asa lums, the qualification of admission to
which is an unpleasant one. "At last," exclaimed the penniless
Bassishaw, "I shall have opportunities of enjoying my beloved
pictures." He took a list of the various hospitals in which certain
masterpieces were distributed, and the first he came to was a Paul
Veronese in the London Fever Hospital. He routed out a case of
typhoid that very night, caught it, and was taken to see Paul. In
two months, to his great regret, he was discharged cured. He had to
break his leg and both arms to see a Salvator Rosa, and inflict a scalp
wound on himself to get a glimpse of an Andrea del Karto. His
admiration for Tintoretto and Zucarelli cost him a middle finger and
a big toe, and he had to work up a consumption to get to the Chest
Hospital and a small collection of Correggio gems.
So far the arts were kind. Had he stuck to the old miaters all
would have been well; but alas I in an evil hour he g6t a-t6U6h f the
Turner complaint, and became enthusiastic over the -mnsttad -pet
examples. On the evening that he left the Small-pox Hospital; where
he had been admiring a Paulo Ucello for six weeks, he heard that two
Turners had been presented to the Ophthalmic. The wozd worried
him, and he asked an explanation of a friend and got it. Where the
blind coves has to go." "Oh," said Bassishaw, "then I'll be off at
once and qualify as I go along." He'd blinded himself beautifully
by the time he d reached the hospital, and they put him in the ward
with the Turners at once. "It's very dark," he remarked, as they
tucked him in. "Of course it is to you, 'my poor man," said the
nurse; you're blind, and can't see. What a pity, and the Turners
just in front of your bed." "Oh, blow!" howled Bassishaw, "I
never thought of that. I've done it this time."
He got up and dressed himself, and gave a boy twopence to lead
him home ; and now he reads "Stones of Venice in raised letters at
the street corners, and swears when anyone talks about Turner.

A DISGRACvrUL assault was committed the other day on Mr. J. R.
Planch6. Some wicked individual put him in a halfpenny wrapper
and dropped him in a pillar-box, addressed to a friend who had asked
that the Somerset Herald might be posted to him.
It is announced that Mr. Tennyson is writing for the Nineteenth
Century. No student of his works needs to be told that.
The editor of a contemporary has arranged for a series of articles by
well-known literary men without their consent. Mr. Allingham com-
menced the series.
Mr. Robert Reece has constructed a burlesque for Mr. Toole, which
is capable of being played ten minutes or ten hours, may be worn as
an overcoat, given as an encore, published as a sermon, used as an
umbrella, twisted into a pipelight, or worn round the hat as a fly

WE have been requested by Mr. Brown to say he is not the Brown
so frequently recorded in these columns as saying something good.
Mr. Brown says he never did such a thing in his life, and the report
that Brown said so-and-so and so-and-so is likely to do him much
harm among those who don't Brown to such doings. We
have much pleasure in confirming Mr. Brown's statement that he is
not the Brown who belongs to us, and we trust that no further impu-
tation will be cast on the character of a worthy man.

IT is asserted by the High that the Ritualistic martyrs are bricks.
They are-Rubricks.

Fa.28, 1877. FU N. 79

SoAPwoKxs, Sunset.
EFERRING to my article of last week. I
think proceedings terminated with the
omen in favour-of Oxford. I say I think,
because subsequent events have been of a
kind to absorb all the spare attention
that is at my disposal. Not only have I
been successful in obtaining a decidedly
favourable and educated opinion about
one side, but I have also obtained it
about the.other. What could be better,
or more incline a man to the gift of pro-
phetic tongues, than this ? There is in
sport, and in aquatic sport in particular,
nothing like having two strings to one's
bow-to one's bow-oar, as my friend, the
jocund Palinurqs, would say-and so I
=- am in the singularly happy position of
finding them both. You, gentle, if some-
L what sceptical reader, may say, but the
crews can't both win." No, my young
and evidently enthusiastic friend; but
when you have been ,associated with sport
41 *as long as I have, you will be satisfied,
n and perhaps a bit over, to have two good
tips in a race which can't both lose!
Palinurus, the friend I have just re-
ferred to, is great at boatracing. He lives
S at Putney when not at Hammersmith,
-S -f Barnes, or Mortlake. He it was who made
the famous remark about Fleet-street.
Somebody was praising Fleet-street, and saying what a grand place it
was, and how the commerce of the whole habitable world rolled down it
every day, when he was suddenly brought to a full stop by P. Sir,"
said he, "Fleet-street may be all very well to the unsophisticated and
to the mere commercial mind; but, sir, no thoroughfare is truly great
that has not occasionally the spectacle of an aquatic Carnival to pro-
duce an Ovation and gladden the spectators. Here, on the peaceful
banks of Father Thames, I dwell, and here I behold what is to me
far fleeter than Fleet-street itself, an Oxford or a Cambridge eight.
I care not who makes a nation's laws if I may row its eights!" It is
needless to say that the boastful citizen was suppressed after this, and
left for home soon, a saddened and a wisened man. By the way,
while on the subject of Palinurus, I may tell you it was he who wrote the
famous boating song so much in vogue with all oarsmen who are oars-
men and not mere land-lubbers, which runs thus. (Pray excuse me,
you who know, for introducing so hackneyed an effusion, but many of
my readers are only as yet learning to be oarsmen, and may not have
heard it, and I wouldn't have it on my conscience to keep what is so
intrinsically valuable from them.)
"Life is like an outrigged gig
When the feathers homeward fly.
See the oarsmen how they dig,
Each as merry as a grig,
They'll be happy by and bye.
Now they're spurting, speeding, sliding,
To the goal they're safely gliding;
Opposition all deriding,
Hearts are beating high.
"Life is like a racing boat
When it's fixed with sliding seats.
See the captain make a note
How his ship has got to float.
Next the lamblike cox'un bleats,
Go it, bos'un! speed, good gunner!
.Steward, prove yourself a one-er!
Maintop-men, go in a stunner "
(More I cannot quote.)
I have always been lost in admiration at the way in which the
writer of the foregoing manages to reveal his intimate knowledge of
the terms used in boatracing for the various positions of the men.
The moral, too, conveyed is singularly fine, and often, when I have
heard the song sung and the chorus energetically joined in at the
dinners and other social gatherings of the Oxfordi and Cambridge
boat clubs, I have felt proud to think I, too, have in, my time, been a
one-er, a gunner, a bos'un, a maintop-man, a captain, and a, toward,
as well as a coxswain and all the other things which it behoves a
thoroughly practical representative rowing man to blod the course of
his career. And now, havingproved to you my thorough efficiency for
my present position, I will get on, and as my friend P. would say, vati-
cinate the victorious.

Following the precedent which had already wrought me such signal
success at the Fox and Hounds, I went on from the place where the
policeman greeted me at Putney, until the far-famed Star and Garter
gladdened the sight of one who, though an ardent disciple of temper-
ance himself, is not insensible to the thirst of others. Who also is
neither narrow-minded nor selfish, nor given,to filling himself to the
nape of the neck in the byways and then spouting teetotalism in the
highways. But this (as I somehow think I have heard before) by the
way. Thinking only of the boatrace and the special information I
might now get, I entered by the river gate, and passing the massive
portals soon stood within the bar. And, standing there, I paused to
look round and to ruminate. Alas! Alas, for- rue worth and real
representative merit I
Oh, little are the mariners who dwell in Putney Reach
Aware that I'm the one who can the boiling, Qf 'em teach.
Oh, little do they fancy, as I'm lighting y, oigar,
That I can tell the winners-and the lopera--from afar.
For aye with earthly honour-yes, for 4ae 'will it be thus,
One man is ever minus and another oneigijns;
And as I stand here silent-here, the Simor.aTNjre, the star,
They're worshipping another chap within, thery bar!
Behold 'em flock around him, twig each. seKtnae from his lips,
Behold the smallest utterance becomes .the be aof tips I!
Behold 'em ask him questions till the qustioned stands aghast,
Behold 'em give him drinks until he's getting tipsy fast!
Behold 'em crouch and grovel, as the mighty man they view,
And listen as he tells 'em which he thinks the winning hue l
Behold 'em coldly shouldering the Simon Pure, the star,
And worshipping another man within this very bar!
And this in happy England, where, as everybody knows,
Through crediting the ignorant, we've met unnumbered woes.
And this in happy England, where-I won't unduly boast--
A man should have the honour if he knows he knows the most.
And this in happy Eagland, home of all that's good and great,
Where everything is always best and nothing second-rate.
To think that I unnoticed stand-the Simon Pure, the star,-
Now could I drink my rival's blood within this very bar.
I have put these few thoughts in the shape of a poem, because my
soul is too full for prose. There was this man, in flannel tr-
unmentionables, I mean, even in my anger I will ever regard the pro-
prieties-in flannel unmentionables, boating jacket, straw hat, and
thick scarf, being worshipped and having his opinion taken as though
he were a demigod, while I, with a splendid brand-new suit of best
black doublemilled on and an overcoat to match, a beautiful hat and a
clean collar, was never even asked for an opinion. When I volun-
teered one nobody seemed to take any notice, and so little impression
did my new suit make, that if I hadn't mustered up enough courage-
no slight quantity, I can assure you-to ask a fourth time for my half
o' stout and bitter, the gay and festive young barmaid would have let
me go till now untended.
Who was this man, that he should have his opinion taken while a
true authority stood unheeded by ? Who ? Why, a man whose only
qualification was that he could row That he had rowed in many
regattas and races, I was told. But what of that ? What has manual
dexterity to do with brain-power? What is matter when left
unchecked by mind? Why, if this sort of thing is to be allowed,
we shall have hodmen teaching architects their business, and palette-
scrapers setting-up as Royal Academicians. The thing's intolerable.
So far as my education goes, the chief merit of being connected with
the press is that it shows you are able to give valuabl- opinions on any
and every subject without either preliminary practice or contempo-
raneous coaching. Iarm a pressman; I, therefore, must know more
about Oxford and Cambridge rowing than any man who is merely
himself a rower.
But a truce to this. I had to tell you of a tip. I got it, and how
do you think it was P? When I had screwed up sufficient pluck to ask
the splendid creature behind the bar for my modest quencher the last
time, she said as she gave it to me, I hope you're for Cambridge."
" Why ? asked I; "do you think they'll win ? Think," said she,
" I'm sure they'll win." And basking in the full flavour of being for
a second time so superlatively successful-a flavour which more than
compensates me for the insane worship of an impostorial person-I
will again, for a time, leave the reader to ponder pleasurably over
my lucubrations.
[We were at first somewhat doubtful about this man, and were, more
,than once, inclined to regard him and his work with suspicion. But
the accuracy of his knowledge, not alone of aquatics, but of journalistic
propriety as well, is so brilliantly set forth this week, that we have
humbly apologised for our remarks and suspicions, and have raised
his screw to an unheard-of sum per week. Also we have agreed to
allow him twopence a day extra for expenses while he is still on the
warpath-or is it the toepath ?-at Putney.-ED.]

80 FUN. [FEB. 28, 1877.


"It's on'y Bill's ole woman. He've bin a kicking her a bit, and he knocked the top of 'er 'ead orf, and she 'ad to 'ave it put on agin."

" Oh! it ain't nothing. On'y two peelers' 'eads as that Bill 'as ampitated, and that there dorg of 'is as 'e's a reprimarndin' of."

"Wy am I a weepin' Wy 'ere'es a pore creetur 'as bin an' fell down and put a finger out o' j'int I Oh, yer needn't grin I It ain't a woman nor a pleeceman
nor a dorg now-It's a man- it's pore Bill itselff !"

U FTJN.-FBxRARY 28, 1877.



FB. 28, 1877.]

'TaRnovor alliay days has fortune'dIgged
My footateps with disaster,
'1y back' is' raw from being fl6gi
Bly Fate,-the'ct-nel master.
Life might have brought, rnlait confess,
Affairbr d6tnhmmation,
Had I'been'able'to suppress
My honestt indignation."
When quite a lad I never saw
A big boy beat a'small one,
But heedless of his Hold yoit jaw I"
I had to slatg-the tall one.
Id goad him on, till red with rage
And mad with irritation,
He'd thrash me soundly to assuage
My honest indignation."
When orators commence to ratit
At any public meeting,
And utter wicked lies and cant,
I feel my temples heating.
Ihowl them down, and oftentimes
i hf-tiken to the station.
o o ftin minds the wolst of c dimes
Is'dthoneit indignation."
rWAte an -say on the ioien
Who went' for "Beerfad Bible;"
My feelings permeate .My' V,,
And slap! Tm in fdr-libel.
I'm brought before the bench fo s6othli
Disgraceful degradation,
Because I dare towite4h-tiSdth
With honest indignation."
Oh youth, who read these versesgikeep
An eye upon your feelings.
Laugh loudly when you ought to weep
And wink at shamieful dealings.
Don't 'breathe a word in aid of right,
Or liR to oe's narration,
Lest you, like me, be ruined quite
Through "honest indignation."

A Sew Sew Affair.
THE woman who charged a Cardiff doctor with tearing
her wounds open is accused of colouring facts." She
certainly caused them to be read.

IT says little enough for our much vaunted charity when two 'such
institutions as the French Hospital and the Dreadnought Society
have to make special appeals on behalf of their fast sinking funds.
For nearly ten years the former has had an existence at the corner of
Lisle-street, and during that time poor miserable foreign waifs and
strays innumerable have there received a helping hand on the road to
health or been recipients of those last sad offices which must be
doubly soothing to those whose lot it is to die away from the land
where first they saw the light. In fact, among those who will have
their little pleasantry, the house is fondly known as Lisle de France.
We are sure there are many of our readers who only want to be aware
of the existence of such an institution to contribute their mite. Of
the other charity, which should be even nearer and dearer to us as
a maritime nation, it is sad to learn that, while 3,000 remains
uncollected, our seamen will "Dreadnought" so much as the cloud
which at present overhangs the only hospital.which may be said to be
wholly and solely 'theirs. We are told that he who gives quickly
gives twice; on that principle, we have coupled these two deserving
applicants-those who. are naturally slow may thus ease their con-
sciences by paying the difference in cash. For this latter, stamps,
post-orders, and even crossed cheques are-so we are told-now and
again 'found excellent substitutes during a dearth of the hard

On the Cards.
A PATIENT the other day leaped through a second-floor window
of the Military Hospital at Dover, fortunately without sustaining any
serious damage. Brown says it's a curious name to call a man
whose impatience caused him to be in such a deuce of a hurry that he
went within an ac of breaking his neck rather than wait to descend
the stairs.


On Sootch ailway, -Feb., 1877. Time 8 p.m.
Traveller :-" WELL, WHERE ARE W* wOW ?"

Strange Inmmunity.
AMONG the many strictures which have been published on the con-
duct of an East-end house-agent-who merely did, we suppose, what
he has been in the habit of doing for years, but on this occasion had
bad luck in commencing on a family the head of which was spiteful
enough to die-one slight matter has been overlooked. We have been
waiting patiently for someone to ask under what new school of

medicine a doctor practises who states in evidence that the taking
away of doors, windows, etc., did nothing to accelerate the death of a
man suffering from acute lung disease. It looks at first sight as if
this doctor must be a homocopathist, but that the disciples of Hahne-
mann wouldn't have gone in for such a wholesale dose of the similia
similibus." Anyhow, the notion is decidedly new, and as such we
commend it to the notice of those who are always looking out for
novelties-and missing them when placed, as it were, beneath their
very nose.
Old Clo' Rema'de.
As the admirers of the Prime Minister seem to think that his
present position is too exalted to allow him to be humorous, they're
trying to see what fun, in the shape of anagrams, they can get out of
his title. A malicious correspondent sends us the following four
transpositions of "the Earl of Beaconsfield":-
Fie! 'the cad of noble earls.
Eh, Ben, old clo' are safe fit.
If the old clo' are safe, Ben,
Be the real of old fancies.
And dpropos of this, in the name William Ewart Gladstone we find,
Well, lads, I tia~ti to ge war.

THE PLAOB(Fo DuN HoRsss.-Dunstable.


84 F U N [FE 28, 1877.

Old Woman who always has a grievance:-" WELL, MISS, o' COURSE I OUGHTN'T TO GRUMBLE, BUT I DO HATE THE REHUMA.IZ BAD AND
[1N.B.-She intended to add-" to know you are so well prepared," but Biddy collapsed before she could get to that.

I waNT and asked the little bird who knows a lot of things-
(A knowledge which I greatly fear much melancholy brings)-
What really was the reason that the mighty Pasha fell,
Who seemed to be the only Turk to manage Turkey well.
I hinted to the feathered sage I found it rather hard
To swallow all the rummy tales in special" columns starred,
Because I found that most of them in detail differed quite,
And as they all were different they couldn't all be right.
He smiled, that little bird, he did, and Tweet-a-tweet!" he cried;
Then led me by the dexter arm a little way aside,
To where his cosy nest was perched beneath a spreading oak ;
We both of us sat down in it, and then that birdie spoke:
" Oh, pleasant Mr. Whatshisname, of this unhappy manin
You ask if I can tell the tale-I fancy that I can,
For not so very long ago I met him up a tree,
And being full of griefs he made a confidant of me.
" He called the Sultan naughty names, and said he was a Turk
Who'd make a thousand promises intending all to shirk;
He told me in a whisper how a Firman and a Hatt
Were little things of no account on which a monarch spat;
The brand new Constitution, too, he said was all a sham,
A thing got up to help a dodge-not worth a single gramme.
That was not his expression quite, but like a decent bird,
I use it as a substitute for Midhat's wicked word.
" Now all of this he might have borne, he told me with a sob-
Official Turks are trained to wink at trickery and job ;
But when be found his master meant to stick to all the pelf,
And make his Vizier keep the laws he trampled on himself,
He changed his tack and up he took some paper and a pen,
And wrote his Lord he meant to be the honestest of men,

And turn a new leaf over straight. Alas! it brought disgrace-
Ee turned it o'er too quickly and it made him lose his place."
I thanked the little chatterbox, and calling on Argyll,
I begged his Grace to warm the Turks and Benjamin in style.
He drove away to Westminster, and fixing Beaconsfield,
He warmed his wicked Government and smote him till he reeled.
I watched his lordship wriggle like a fish upon a hook,
While he for all his Turkish tricks was soundly brought to book.
The nation read the proven charge. "'Twere good," I heard it say,
"If V. could sack her Vizier in Hamid's easy way."

Fashionable Chit-Chat.
THE Westminster Papers gives this month a portrait and biography
of the most celebrated modern writer on games of skill and chance
combined. had the writer of an otherwise admirable memoir con-
sulted us, he would have gained and we should have lost the following
intensely true story. Said Lord Jones, speaking of a lady who was
fond of cards and disputatious in her fondness, Don't you think the
Countess of Robinson a very splendid woman P Answered the Duke
of Smith, Well, yes, if it were not for her little peculiarity. I can
stand a woman with a mild cigarette, but I hate such strong and
extreme measures." Why, whatever do you mean ? asked Lord
J. I mean this," replied the Duke of S., "I never once heard
the Countess catch it hot in an argument, but she immediately called
for Cavendish" to back her.

Domestic Consideration.
LADY (to SERVANT who has given notice three days after her arrival).
But if you didn't mean to stay, why did you take the place ?
SERVANT. Well, 'm, when I see you at the Registry-office you looked
so tired and fagged, I took your situation out of charity like,

FEB. 28, IRf7.] FU N .

HE enemy's fleet was in sight,
and the nation in tears sat upon
the shore waiting for the enemy
to land. The noble army had been
telegraphed for and was expected
to arrive, but in consequence of
females of six being employed by
the post-office as telegraph messen-
gers, it was conjectured that the
message was lying on a doorstep
while the bearer played battledore
with a friend. The ironclads built
Specially for the protection of the
island could be put in fighting con-
dition in two years, but the enemy
wouldn't walt. The Royal Family
had collected their jewels, put their freehold estates up to auction, and
left for their Indian retreat some days before. Several Field Marshals
were encouraging the crowd to heroism from Bath chairs, and Mr.
Ward Hunt, with tears in his eyes, begged humbly for someone to
explain the naval position to him. Too late his pride came down, and
he offered to sacrifice himself upon any altar the country might see
fit to erect. But -for the generous watchfulness of Captain Bedford
Pim, twice he would have fallen on the ferrule of his umbrella and
died like a Roman general. The enemy came nearer. The impudent
joke died on the pallid lips of Lord Beaconsfield. The fingers of '1ir
Stafford closed tightly on the few remaining coppers he had saved for
the nation. The Marquis of Hartington fell on his knees to Mr.
Gladstone and acknowledged him as his leader, and Mr. Smollett
offered to take charge of the ladies during the absence of their
husbands. A few minutes now and the guns of the enemy would open
fire. At this juncture, the Duke of Cambridge and the Field Marshals
were removed to the National Safe Deposit Company's bomb-proof
vaults. Bang! came the first shot, and then-and then down under
the sea, without a word of warning, went the leading vessel. Gradually
as they neared the shore, it became perceptible that one by one the
enemy's ships were foundering. What could be the meaning of it P
Were they commanded by English officers ? No. Were they built
from English designs P No. Suddenly the solution of the mystery
occurred to Captain Bedford Pim. The enemy's vessels had struck
upon the sunken ironclads around our coast, and were totally wrecked.
With a wild yell of joy, the nation turned to its deliverer and bore
him on their heads to the metropolis. And Parliament voted one
hundred thousand pounds for a statue of him, and underneath it was
written, "Ward Hunt, the Deliverer." And this inscription was the
joint invention of Dean Stanley and Mr. Tennyson. And when the
famous First Lord grew old and sat in arm chairs and cackled, he
would point to his statue with pride in the Park, and remark to the
nursemaids, Yousee, my dears, I didn't do so badly after all."

Go it, old 'un I"
WE are informed by the Hon. See. of the London Athletic Club that
the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor and the Lady Mayoress have kindly
consented to open the new grounds at Stamford Bridge, Fulham, on
the 28th of April. It may surprise a good many cits of the old
school to find that the athletic movement has advanced so far that
the Lord and Lady Mayoress think it quite the correct thing to enter
themselves for an "open competition of the L. A. C.

Ritchiedly Managed.
THE small-pox excitement in Limehouse has led an inhabitant to
refer to the hospital as" a den." Mr. Ritchie has taken up the subject
as member for the Tower Hamlets, and is doing his best to preserve
the Hamlets from the Prints of Den mark by getting the hospital done
away with.
TA meat difficulty is solved. The Americans send us over fresh
meat at 8d. a pound to meat it. Vengeance is meated out to the
butchers who kept meat up, and if you give a son of toil a pound of
American beef it is a pleasure to watch himeat up the lot. It is but
meat something of the sort should have happened.
A Heavy Bill.
AN Habitual Drunkards Bill is to be introduced in'the Hoiise. As
the Habitual Drunkards Bill is generally chalked on the door, we
7predome it will take more than one member to earry'it.

A Hayle Storm.
Tam inhabitants of Hayle seem to be in the habit of holding excited
meetings. They've nearly had, a free fight now over "Regeneration."
Baylefellows well met evidently.

THE Super brooded, and his mien
Was sadder than it once had been;
His aspect grew depressed and drear;
He couldn't take his daily beer;
With pipe unlighted
He'd sit in corners, and appear
Completely blighted.
A perfect super, too; correct
In each particular respect.
He'd mastered that unconscious stare -
That stiff uninterested glare
Without expression-
Which lends so elegant an air
To his profession.
He'd& duly trained his arms and legs
To move as if they hinged on pegs;
Unless'my memory be weak
I've heard him positively creak
In genuflexion;
Yoi-hadto wind him up to speak.
ie teas perfection!
Each'Wightre had to hand a scroll
To himtwh played the tragic r6le;
To see him moving stiff and grim,
With grandly automatic limb,
In admiration
-The house completely rose at him
With acclamation.
Yet troubled was that Super's mien,
For each successive night he'd seen
Within the actor's eye appear
A look that spoke of woes that sear-
Of injured feeling;
A-look reproachful and severe,
And yet appealing.
Now there had fallen to his part
A deeply sympathetic heart.
He grieved the actor's glance to read;
With some unfeeling, heartless deed
It seemed to tax him;
He thought: Why does he mutely plead ?"
And went to ax him.
"Oh, Super !" sobbed the actor ;" why
This careless apathy of eye ?
When boxes, galleries, and pits
Applaud my fine impassioned bits
With warm devotion,
Across your eye there never flits
The least emotion!
Oh, cease to work as in a groove,
And move as human beings move;
And when I shout and bang my breast
Evince a spark of interest-
Of animation."
The Super went away opprest
With hesitation.
How could he go departing from
The ancient rules of superdom ?
Could he, presumptuous, disgrace
The old traditions of his race,
And go revealing
A wholly unexampled trace
Of human feeling ?
His brother Supers' pikes were long;
Their vengeance could be deep and strong-
No matter! The ensuing night
The Super's acting reached the height
Of animation.
The-actor chuckled with delight
.And exultation.
Each fellow-Super standing by
Observed it all with glAring eye.
The passion of revenge is strong;
A Super's brandished sword is long
And swift and hissing:
Next night from out the Super throng
A man was missing.


[FEB, 28, 1877.

Tommy:-" GiB Us A mBIT o' man APPLE, BILLY."
Future Diplomatist:-" CANT' no iHAT, TOMMY. DoN'T TIn BEA THIS

Mn. WYBROW ROBEmrSON promised Aquarium shareholders and the
public generally that he would show them something new if he but
got the chance. At first the something new was an increased prospect
of dividends, but though this was a very good something indeed for
the former, it was nothing to the latter beyond a confirmation of the
freshly aroused notion that after all the Aquarium was a very
agreeable place, and a place-to which "people were beginning to go.
Now there is a second something which should interest everybody
directly and at once. The notion of A Vision of Music is above
all things a novelty, and as the performance is as entertaining as it is
novel, we trust that instead of expecting a long explanation from us,
readers will investigate for themselves. It is, we know, treading on
dangerous ground to invoke comparisons, but to our fancy this
" Vision of Music" is A Vision of Judgment which equals any that has
gone before it, despite the ability and the eminence of the hands"

He Must Abdul Times.
THE poor Sultan has had another attack of that nasty toothache.
His great troubles seem to be new viziars, new constitutions, and

WHaIN'ER through London's crooked ways
I roam on others' deeds intent,
My vagrant footstep ite betrays
(I will admit I have a craze
To ponder over each event).
For nothing sets my eye aglow
Like that which everyone has met-
A bill which lets the nation know
Once more the owner has on show
"This House to Let."
I always knock and ask the rent,
The landlord's name and where he dwells,
The reason why the tenant went,
What was his greatest discontent,
And how about the gas, and bells P
I always turn each corner out,
No cranny did I once forget;
And thus I learn a deal, no doubt,
Of what would else be lost about
"This House to Let."
And if the tenant still be there,
I love to con his chattels o'er
And squat within his easy.chair,
And ask him when he goes, and where,
Until he seems a little sore.
But if this tenant stands it well
(This tenant with possession yet),
I find out how it first befell
He came within this house to dwell-
"This House to Let."
And thus I run around the town,
Till almost everywhere I've been;
And whether bills are up or down
The end my work will surely crown,
And every house by me be seen.
So will I wander round and round,
Regardless if it's dry or wet,
And street by street you may be bound
Will hear my knock if in it's found
"This House to Let."

PROPER Position for a Horseman of Undoubted Pluck.
-The Mastership of the Craven Houids."

Blank-ney Enough.
IT is said that the Mr. Chaplin, landed proprietor and horsey person,
who thought the time had come when anything might yelp unnoticed
at the heels of one W. E. Gladstone-and who was taught so salutary
a lesson-is to be solaced by a peerage for his scourging. He is, on
dit, to be called Lord Blankney, after his seat in Lincolnshire. Not
a bad title either for one whose honour has rise in his acres instead of
in his abilities. Money may be the root of all evil, but property is,
undoubtedly, the fount of all honour and goodness. Still, a man
must have some ability to get himself born rich; and so, perhaps,
having done that, he deserves to reap the reward that follows. But
Gladstone needn't have let go quite so smashingly I

A Major and a Minor Evil.
MAJon O'GongAw is about to come forward as a benefactor to his
species. He considers the life and limbs of Her Majesty's subjects of
equal value with those of Bulgarian peasants. He will, therefore, at
an early opportunity, introduce a Bill to compel the retail orange-
monger to sell his wares peeled under a heavy penalty. The miscreant
who asserts that the Major's object is to get up an Orange riot in
order that he may have a turn with a shil- what ye may call it,
is beneath contempt.

I M Extra Strong
muiui-i.Ei. AND ITURNED'UP

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by all Stationer. A selected U
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Printed Vy JTUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dectors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietore) at 158, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, February 28, 1877.

MAsCH 7, 1877.] FU N 87

OH, far away where the hills are black,
And the heat of the lava makes them crack;
Where trees go mad in the August light,
And the sun sets awfully late at night;
There, where the daffodil shakes its bells,
The wonderful Moaning Congo dwells.
The Congo's figure is weird I ween,
With its body and beak of Lincoln green.
Its tail and muzzle are pink and blue,
And its eyes are the colour of Irish stew.
It sings a song wich a Runic rhyme,
And twiddles its thumbs to mark the time.
Ah, woe to the hunter who hunts alone
In the range of the bellowing biped's moan!
Ah, woe to the maid whose feet shall stray
Where the young of the Congo jump in play I
For never a soul escapes his wrath
Who crosses the Moaning Congo's path.
Yet kiddle-a-winks both here and there
Are dotted around the monster's lair.
Linen and shutter and surgeon too
Wait for the straggling strangers who,
Not in the know of his whereabouts,
Fall in the Congo's grinding snou's.
Cavalry sit on the neighboring plains.
Brought by horses and trams and trains;
Chiefs in armour and shirts of mail
Wait with the salt for the Congo's tail.
But nobody ever the brute could see
Save and excepting only me.

Worm Cakes.
SIR A. Lusx, "from his seat in the House," objected
to the reflections cast upon shipowners by Mr. Plimsoll
and his followers. Said the worthy Alderman, If you
tread on a worm it will turn." The comparison is apter
than the comparisons of Sir Andrew Lusk as a rule.
Worms have unfortunately just now much too much of
a share of British ships and British seamen. And
judging from the manner in which it is received, the
very mention of coffin-ships is suggestive of worm-wood
to some "honourable" members.



WHEN a young couple are joined together in holy matrimony by a
Bishop they are mitred together.
All competitive examinations are passing events.
Even Father Thames isn't a hero to his valley, it gets a rise out of
him ss often now.
The promise of the late Emperor of the French to invade Germany
was sugar to the people. It was a Sack-a-Rhine matter.
Count Andrassy is a man of note.

"Stranger than Fiction."
A oBw paper has just been started which boldly asserts its purpose
in one word: Sensation. Considering the age we live in, it almost
seems as if this somewhat ominous title were an infringement of the
right of our Daily News. If anything more sensational than that
which is served up in ordinary course by ordinary newspapers is to be
found, the new paper must have discovered'a new criminal code and a
new lot of coders to match. Certainly we have so exhausted the old
list-according to the old papers-that the new venture promises to be
a novelty indeed.
Wait for the Wagner.
HERR WAGNR is conducting his own music in London this
season," says a musical organ. Let us hope he will conduct it to
some secluded spot far from the respectable community. We haven't
got over the Bulgarian atrocities yet.

Look what we've Cot.
Mn. ARTHUR SULLIVAN and Mr. W. S Gilbert have each of them
generously presented a cot to the Hospital for Children. When the
little occupants are tired they will find the one a good composer, and
the other a-graceful gift from one "Bab" to another.

More of it.
ONE of those provincial papers that profess to know, and often do
know, a great deal more about London than the folk who live there,
says, Changes are being discussed at the great office where Mr.
Walter holds sway. Sir G. W. Dasent, who formerly held
the position, has been approached on the subject, but declines." The
" position" means that of Editor of the Times. As an Irish friend of
ours remarked it wouldn't be Dasent to expect Sir G. W." to take
the position with all his brand new and blushing brevet honours
thick upon him. With all the rumours afloat, not one has hit upon the
idea that Mr. Walter is busy at work inventing a new patent
automaton self-acting editor himself. Thus it is left for us to be the
first to give the only truth about this great governmental change.

SOMEONE advertises in a Nottingham paper, A Sat of Stone Jugs,
a Shilling." Sikes (not the Prince of Wales's pal) says he can't make
out why anybody should want a set of stone jugs; one at a time is
always enough for him.
On the Q, Tea.
A TOUNG lady aged fifteen has been charged with attempting to
hill her brother by putting poison in his "tea bottle." What will
the Lawsonites say to this method of making tea bring a man to his
bier ?
Yankee Pankee.
OUR American Special telegraphs, "For a long time past the issue
of the presidential election has been involved in a Havyes." We have
cabled him back to wire when he's wired to, and not Til-den.
THE Ritualists are about to issue essays on the illegality of Lord
Penzance's decisions. They will be the Pen's answer to the Penzance.



pore feller as gets a
bit of a living on the
topath when there's
anything goin' on
there, and me and my
pals looks forward to
-- :-- the Oxford and Cam-
-' --- -- '- bridge race with a
good deal more in-
terest nor'you can do.
i When the swells
egi tginsto run up and
'. look at the hinder-
*T I I Rraduals a-plas.m' at
I 'ard work,,L .as my
S-' opprtity, an' I
avails myself of it.
SAnd I may say,
/...,! y/ --=^= "^ 'onnered sir, as my
line applies itself par-
/__ -_ --- tickerlary to swells.
I =- -- Aunt Sallies and three
shies a penny's low,
.- and.don't take'cept on
Satterday afternoons
or on the day itself; but my bit of hanky panky allwes goes down.
Sometimes when I as a good pitch and sling out the kidment I do
very well indeed, and sense I lernt plate-spinning and toe-eating all
alite, I could do very well if the boatrace lasted the year round, or
real talent was pensioned off during the winter, as I'm told it is in
Republican country, where everyone is equal, and if anyone is better
orf than anyone else it is the pore down-trodden son of toil or the
true artiste like him who now addresses you.
But I don't want ter ockerpy your time, and I'll tell you in a few
words what it is I want. I 'ave red yore reporter's hearticles on the
boatrace with a grate deal of pleasure, and have wondered how it was
he as obtained so much valuable information, for though I have been
on the topath for more nor 20 Oxford and Cambridge's, and 'ave bin
doing' ground and lofty tumbling, likewise conjurin', for a matter of 35
years come next Micklemass 12-month, I can assure you your reporter
perfectly electrifies me and all in our pitching with the amount of fresh
light he throes on the subjeck of roeing.
We (me, bill Sikes the broad worker, Charley Bates the rmagsman,
and a hole lot of us as knows the river well) are quite of the opinion
of your reporter, that there's a good many thingsaboubt roeing that
roeing men don't know. I could tell yer a lot, but there's know dout
your reporter noes it just as well. Wen we was a-sittin' together the
other nite, we was a-talkin' of how clever the hearticles were, and how
much the man who wrote 'em must no about roeing, and I ses, ses I,
bleed if I don't rite to the editor and let him see there's some chaps
as erpreceshates a bit o' good work.
An' now, sir, as I've dun this, and shown that we are ready to
admire ability wen we see it, p'raps you'll let yore reporter, who I've
known for many years, say a kind word for Signor Chickaleariboy,
whose performances on the topath are much better than may be seen
in many a prinsely and palacial mueic-hall. One good turn deserves
another.-Yewers trewly, SIGNoR CHICKALEABIBOY.
P.S.-Plees do not say to yewr reporter that I say I noe him, as he
particklerly ast me knot. But I thought yew would like to no as a
nitem of ontray news, as the French call it.

HOTEL, Putney.
Mr. Bony Phace presents his compliments to the Editor, and begs
to say he is enraptured with the articles which have so far appeared in
Fun about the boatrace. Splendid in their humour, unequalled in their
pathos, and displaying a knowledge hitherto unequalled of the inner
life-the Rosicrucianity, the Freemasonry, as one may say- of boating
circles. The Editor of Fun has full permission to make what use he
pleases of this testimonial.
(I re-open this to say I shall be glad to send youa case of wine or
spirits on condition you can give me a turn in future articles. Your
reporter has promised, and that's why I wrote above to his dictation,
but I whispered to my boy to bring it back on the quiet when your
representative sent him to the post, and now I have added these
few words, as I think there's nothing like going straight to the fountain
head. Of course, you won't tell him I've said a word, as he's particularly
anxious you should think my testimonial is what he calls the
spontaneous outburst of aquatic and unasked-for appreciation.)

[MA-ca,7) 1a77., -

SmR,-If you will allow me to express an opinion on a matter which
to me and many others is of the gravest import, I should like to say,
in all good faith and without the slightest wish to be unnecessarily
severe, that a more unmitigated duffer or'a finer specimen of the low
class cockney igiot than your boatracs reporter I never met. How is
it that you have managed to engage with a man whose ignorance
is positively overwhelming, and who doubtless never saw either a
race or a river until he was sent out by you; while I, an ex-member of
a University eight, who knows all about it and a good deal more, am
left out in the cold ? I would have explained to your readers the
exact particulars of the shifting of the men, the reasons why, and all
about it, with the real, true, and only correct tip, which I, the
champion sculler of my time and champion writer on aquatics now,
alone can give. While, as it is, you have been gulled by as impudent
an impostor as ever tried his hand at sporting. Trusting you will at
once discharge the present man and appoint me, and awaiting a line
from you to that effect,-I am, &c., PAHTY-COLOURED BLUE.
[Whatever may have happened with the other correspondents, it is
evident this man has not (as yet) been squared. And as squaring seems
to be half the battle of the true appreciation, and forms one of the
chiefest turnpikes on the road to fame, we should recommend our
representative to "part" at once.-EDn.

THERz was a fine fellow named Gladstone,
*Whom Chaplin attacked in a cad's tone,
But W. G.
Gave a thrashing to C.,
Which altered this low stable lad's stone.

High Charging.
MIR. HIGGni, Q.C., when charging the Grand Jury at Preston,
remarked that the recent great increase in the rate of crime was con-
sequent on the recent great increase in the rate of wages. It is to be
hoped so true a Conservative as this will never be in favour of
increasing the charge for charging a British jury. An increase in the
rate of law pay might with much more show of reason result in an
increase in the number of lawyers, and a greater blow to the com-
munity than that it would trouble even so great a statist as Mr.
Higgin, Q.C., to discover.

Novel Application.
IT is reported that the Bishop of Ely intends holding a confirma-
tion especially for undergraduates, at Cambridgp, about Easter." Some
of these young gentlemen require anything but confirming in their
habits. A boating undergrad. thinks it'll be a good thing for the
present style of rowing, as he hears confirmation is the finest thing out
to prevent backsliding."

A Star-tling Fact.
IT takes nine years for a ray of light to travel from Sirius, the dog
star, to the earth, so that the inhabitants of the former place are just
beginning to see what happened here nine years ago. Siriusly speak-
ing, they are quite as well off as the Conservative party with regard to
European affairs.

Baconian Logic.
WE are glad to hear that Messrs. Nurdin and Peacock's effort in aid
of the Cheesemongers' Benevolent Institution was so successful an
eggsperiment last spring that it is to be repeated this. The concert
will be held on Easter Monday at the Albert Hall, and judging by the
list of artists engaged, as well as by the positions of the promoters,
there can be little doubt it will be found quite the correct cheese."

The Odour of Sanctity.
A FRESH English cardinal has been created. The new dignitary is
one of the famous Norfolk Howards, and with his creation must come
another change in the never changing. The celebrated cardinal
crimson must now necessarily become a Mahogany flat." Lodging.
house-keepers please note.

One Trial Sufficient."
A MEDICAL student of Bristol indulged in a dose of laudanum to
cure his neuralgia. The disease totally disappeared, and only the
family undertaker and the "usual arrangements" remained as
evidence of the remedy. Friends at a distance will please etcetera.





-1, SING of one who lived before
"I*v-'- Those happy ages when
SI-- ___. (^. The lamp of scientific lore
So much enlightened men.
--- .-. I merely wish to represent
-- The dreadful pangs he under-
While caverned in the black
: _-.2 -, O recess
Of primitive unlearnedness.


It's easy for the modern mind,
Which has (to so express it)
The reasons, rigidly defined,
For that and this and this and
The mind embracing in its view

A lucid scientific clue
To each event included in
Its ken, to-how did I begin ?
I know-I mean that I condemn
A lot of modem folks who gibe,
And level ridicule at them
Who didn't-weren't-as I describe.
Say danger hovers on the wing,
For instance: Were it not insane
To flee in terror from a thing
Whose nature one could not explain ?
Till science properly provide
In terms unswervingly exact
That danger's why and how and whence,
No man of self-respect and sense
Could feel that he was justified
In looking on it as a fact.
My hapless Ancient was a mah
Of sense and. self-respect;
His want of science was his ban-
His fortune's one defect.
He knew that dangers could be found
Tn ev'ry mortal thing around;
He hadn't to begin to learn
That water drowns and fire will burn ;
He also knew the chances are
You'll suffer if you tumble far.
Yet, though he knew as well as you
That things do happen in this wise,
The reason why he couldn't sci-
Entifically analyse.
When, some abyss or precipice
Confronting him, he chanced to fall,
He'd simply stare, quite unaware
The earth's attraction caused it all;
And, far too proud to recognize
A thing he could not analyse,
He put aside the danger, with
Impatience, as a groundless myth.
When science evidence should bring,
'Twas time enough to own the thing.
Now it was most unlucky, this,
For, right before his cabin door

A ( \ I lk

MAnCH 7, 1877.1

There chanced to be a precipice
Of twenty thousand feet or more,
And when he had a mind to stray
This thing was always in his way,
And (owning danger deuce a bit),
IHe always tumbled over it;
Whereas, had science rendered clear
The why he tumbled over here -
(Explained "attT action" as the cause;
Concussion" ; "gravitation's" laws)-
Why then indeed he might have deigned
To own the flouted danger bore
A real existence, and abstained
From falling over any more.
But no-the man, unheeding, smiled
At danger ev'ry day:
"A lot of non-existent, wild
Delusions!" he would say.
Observing Why should water drown ?"
When solar rays came scorching down,
A cool siesta he would take
For hours, submerged beneath the lake.
Man cannot, though, for aye defy
Hard facts, invincible and grim-
No- even though the how and why
May not be very clear to him:
That Ancient suffered in his health,
And dissolution came by stealth.

IT was a wild and mysterious robbery, and under the circumstances
it was no wonder it wasn't found out.
"Jane," said the Duchess to her maid, I have a hundred thousand
pounds' worth of jewels in this room. In order that they may be quite
safe, lay them about on the dressing table and the chairs." Yes,
ma'am," answered Jane, with a curtsey; and as an extra precaution
I will leave some of' them in the drawers looked up, and 1 will also
leave the key in the lock."
Having satisfied themselves that all was safe, the Duchess and her
maid left the room and proceeded below, where they encountered the
major-domo. Major-domo," said the Duchess, as there is an enor-
mous amount of valuable property upstairs, kindly arrange to have all
the servants below at the same time, and all the guests being at dinner,
we may consider the house and one hundred thousand pounds' worth
of jewellery quite safe."
4 *
SBill," said the first burglar, "if we borrow two long ladders of the
builder, and walk up to the mansion with 'em and put 'em up agen the
bedroom window, it ain't likely as anybody '11 see us. Come on.
That's right. Now put the ladders firm, and just go in and bring the
jewels out. You can take half-an-hour, because it's nothing unusual
for not a soul to be about upstairs in a house with fifty people in it.
Got the lot ? All right! We'll go and take the tickets to London
and go home.
I *
"You see," said the great detective from London, we're on the
track, but it's such a difficult case. You see, they got two ladders and
carried 'em through the town and along the high road, and there's so
few people would notice two men getting into a Duchess's bedroom
window, and the police in the neighbourhood of course can't find out
how they got the ladders, and nobody can imagine anybody in the house
was' in it'; so, you see, it's a mysterious affair. But we're on the track."
4 *
The Times, March 8th, 1880: The last set of family jewels in the
kingdom was stolen this morning from the owner's house in broad
daylight. Two policemen were in the room at the time, as well as the
butler and housemaid, but they noticed nothing particular. The
detectives are, however, on the track."

Rare Birds!
THE Prince of Wales has been visiting the Master of the Vale of
White Horse Foxhounds. With such an extraordinary counter-
attraction the Prince must have been relieved for once of the mobbing
which as a rule attends on Royalty, and which, though but the out-
come of ignorant curiosity, passes current among the credulous for
exuberant loyalty. We have in our time read much of peaks, passes,
and glaciers, have roamed the Yosemite Valley and lingered in the
Wale of 'Ealth; but a Vale of White Horse Foxhounds is indeed a
re-Vale-ation I


90 FUN. [MARCH 7, 1877.


" I'u want to go by train, Mum. Confide entirely in me. I will find you a carriage at whatever cost. Remember I did it."
[He effects the unprecedented move, and receives a gratuity.]

L, OFi"l, ''','it,'. .
d .. ,. I .~ ~~t ,: :, ,,.,:o Fc

" Want your ticket, Mum ? Hush Trust to us and there will be no difficulty
for you."-[They succeed in their despe

'_ lr j-= "i' "

"Very clever of my friend to find yon a nice carriage, Mum. You shall continue
in it-I can do this for you, aud will."- [He receives a gracuity.1

I'll get your ticket for you and he'll look artir your rps. We'll manage it
rale mission, and receive gratuities.]

"Had a nice journey, Mum! Very clever of our friends to manage so well for
you. Dreadful desperate business, Mum! "-[They all receive gratuities.]

F U NT. MARCH 7, 1877.

k~ r'



(Which is really of more importance than the Eastern Question.)



MAEca 7, 1877.]


Mr hair's turning grey with annoyance and grief,
And sorrow is bending me double,
So I've plunged into poetry just for relief,
For something to soften my trouble.
I swear like a trooper, though formerly mild,
And my heart once as light as a feather,-
For day after day I'm disgustingly riled
(I'm certain 'tis years since I capered or smiled)
Because people chatter (it makes me so wild !)
Of nothing on earth but the weather!
The sole conversation wherever I wend
Is on this detestable topic,
And should it continue I'm certain 'twill tend
To rehder me quite misanthropic.
In 'bus or in train they will never refrain,
They.'Jl never depart from their tether,
But tal' of the fogs, of the frost, of the rain
With latitudes bordering on the insane,
And make me distracted, again and again,
With" What do you think of the weather F"
Then'64h, for a Lear's, or a Richelieu's curse,
Tocbause them to tremble and grovel:
Oh, why can't an Englishman strive to converse
On something a little bit novel?
Brother Britons, I would from the rule you'd depart,
Forsake it at once-altogether--
Pray struggle to be interesting and, smart,
And whenever we meet in the world's busy mart-
Discoutsb upon Politics, Science, or Art,
Anything else but the weather!

A CHaISTIANwyoung man's literary society "-curious
to think that Christian young men and their literature
should be different from other young men and theirs-
met the other night near Finsbury to inquire into the
question, "Is smoking injurious F" One young man
undertook to prove that it was-beyond doubt-to the
tobacco, and proved it by smoking a mild twopenny
till it was ruined past all recovery.

Goon name for a journal devoted to cardplaying.
-The Whlistminster Papers.

~ .L,'<--4-:.'.,%-.-.,-.. .',= -


"I HOLD," said the Countess of Calipash, "that it is a mother's first
duty to nurse her offspring." And with these words she slammed the
front door in the Earl's face and went off with her baby in her arms
to see the crews practice. But somehow or other in the hurry and
excitement of taking a ticket for Hammersmith, she put the baby
down on a seat in the waiting-room and forgot all about it. Of course,
she was sorry when she perceived her loss, but as the Earl had friends
to dinner she hadn't time to inquire about it when she got back, and
so the heir to the title and estates of Calipash was lost.
Five and twenty years had elapsed since the events narrated in our
last. It was the height of fthe season, and the Strangers' Gallery of
the House of Commons was thronged. The Peers to a man were in
the Lower House, and a coronet glittered upon every other brow in the
Ladies' Gallery. For on this night the youthful member for Grimy-
shire, John Calipee, was to introduce his bill for the abolition of the
House of Lords, the equal division of property, and the turning of
private estates into pleasure grounds for the people. When the young
politician rose you might have heard an eyelash fall. Mr. Speaker,"
he said, "' I rise to move the first reading of this bill," and then he
went into details. And after the details he warmed up and let the
House of Lords and property have it straight from the shoulder.
There was no standing against his argument, and the bill was read for
the first time., Gentlemen," exclaimed the Speaker, leaping on the
table and dashing his wig to the ground, "this is a great and glorious
measure. Away with useless formalities. Let us read it a second
time." "We will shouted the House, dividing; and the bill was
read a second time by an overwhelming majority. "Mr. Speaker,
you are a brick," shouted the delighted Calipee, "and I venture to ask
that this House will have the bill read a third time and passed, say
to-morrow evening. I am not now quite perfect in a little speech I

wish to make, but to-morrow, sir, we will meet and abolish these
cumberers of the land." "We will," replied the House in chorus.
And then they adjourned.
It was the following evening. Again the House was crowded with
peers and peeresses anxious to hear their doom, and members anxious
to settle it. But there was an uneasy feeling on the Ministerial and
Opposition benches. Hon. members had been thinking matters over,
and they were not quite so determined as on the previous occasion.
Still, the iconoclast rose amid thunders of applause. 1 am proud of
this moment," he exclaimed. When the bill has been read a third
time to-night, a vile and infamous institution will have been swept from
the path of progress, and by me, an humble son of the people, a waif and
stray of humanity, found five and twenty years ago deserted and
abandoned in the first-class waiting-room of a railway station on the
Metropolitan and Hammersmith line."
There was a shriek in the Ladies' Gallery. A peeress had fainted.
There was a rush from another part of the House, and in a moment
the Radical hero found himself locked in the arms of the Earl of
Calipash. "My long lost boy !" exclaimed the delighted nobleman.
"Heir to my title and estates, and all my boundless wealth, come and
kiss your mother !" "Gentlemen," shouted the Speaker, "if this
interruption continues I will mention the parties by name. I will
now put the third reading of this bill to the vote."
The noes had it by one vote. And the one vote which lost the bill
was that of its Radical proposer.
Naturally, under the circumstances.

Exsackly so I
A TURCOPHILE contemporary makes out that the Czar is extremely
anxious to sack Gortschakoff. The other day it declared he wanted
to sack Constantinople.



Ethel (who doesn't like being disturbed) :-" OH NEVER MIND, DARLING, THE WEATHER IS NOT AT ALL COLD."

In the days when the poet was young,
He was fJted and petted galore;
And the friends of his youth, when his lyrics were sung,
Would grant all he wanted and more.
But now they have fled from his gaze,
And cannot, alas! be recalled;
They style him a humbug, and laugh at his lays,
Because he begins to get bald-
Which makes him a little bit galled!
In the days when the poet was young,
Who so brilliantly witty as he ?
And the jokes were caught up as they tripped from his tongue,
And folks would invite him to tea.
Now his once raven tresses are grey,
On his grief no compassion's bestowed;
And when he'd fain borrow, they answer him "nay "-
And mock each poetical ode-
And tell him to go and be blowed!"
In the days when the poet was young,
He was reckoned the first in the land;
And roses and things in his pathway were flung,
And ladies proposed for his hand.
But now he's in need of a friend,
And wrinkles have furrowed his brow,
The ladies to pet him will ne'er condescend ;
He exists, but they trouble not how-
Ah, nobody lushes him now!
In the days when the poet was young,
Full often at skittles he'd play;
And many's the time he has lovingly clung
To a lamp-post and hiccuped a lay-

A sort of Lulliety strain.
Bat, alas! 'tis undoubtedly clear
He'll ne'er be enabled to do so again;
For times are disgustingly queer-
Pray, send him a trifle for beer!

Not in "the Know."
LATELY two troopers of the Life Guards were refused admission to
a place of entertainment; and again we hear of a Royal Engineer being
requested to leave a skating rink because "redcoats were objectionable."
What is the secret and dishonourable act of which our army has been
guilty, that makes what should be the badge of a most glorious pro-
fession the signal for social ostracism ? Why is a military uniform a
badge of shame as well as of servitude ? We are up to a good many
things at 153, Fleet-street, but fairly confess this one puzzles us.
Perhaps that's where the joke lies!

Technical Talk.
THE Ha'veny is struck with a bright idea dpropos of American fresh
meat. "Why," it asks, "not consider the grazing capabilities of
Western Ireland ?" The only reason we can see is that it wouldn't
" please the pigs" to allow any cattle to graze in Western Ireland but
the most Irish of Irish "bulls." Even these, however, would be
better than Home Rule bullies. Bully for you, little Ha'peny.

A Paradox.
THE Labour News states that schoolmasters are sill in demand."
And the home demand is not likely to be soon supplied if the school-
master will insist on keeping so persistently abroad."

No Chance o' lor.
THE Lord Chancellor is complaining of the block of business in the
Court of Chancery. They work that court on the block system.

[MARCH 7, 1877.

Manca 7, 1877.]


JOHN JAWKINS was a man who studied the laws of his country with
immense avidity, and who, whenever he could get a chance, insisted
on his friends and neighbours studying them too, or at all events
benefiting by his studies. Whenever he got even half a chance, he
would explain to his friends and fellow-workmen the true meaning of
political economy until they were vaguer on the subject than they had
been before. But then their first vagueness arose from their knowing
nothing at all about it, and their second from knowing too much,
which, as Jawkins himself said, was a good fault if a fault at all.
Jawkins, as you may imagine from his having fellow workmen, was
by no means a swell. He was a horny-handed son ef toil, and was
proud of it. Most proud of it when its profession enabled him to do
without the toil and stand upon a platform as A public, and paid,
declaimer of the wrongs of the working classes. He was extremely
bitter against the Upper Ten, who wore broadcloth and never indulged
in aprons. Work! shouted John Jawkins, when someone once said
that what he called the Upper Ten worked a good deal harder than he
or his class considered possible. Work!" what nonsense. How
could they be Upper Ten if they worked; besides, I never saw one of
'em with an apron on in my life." And it was no good trying to
make John Jawkins believe that a man could work without an apron
on. He had tried it himself, and knew better, and that settled the
question. He admitted there were a good -many more than Ten
of the swells he objected to on principle, more than ten hundred-
perhaps ten hundred thousand-but that was the iniquity of it. In
the go6d old days when everything was proper, and the working man
was treated, with the respect and consideration he deserved, there were
really only Ten of the Upper Class who were allowed to do without
work; but now they had increased and multiplied, and taken shameful
advantage of the power originally granted them by the working men
who insisted on the signing of Magner Charter when the first Ten of
the Upper or.privileged class were selected. It was a shocking abuse
of the privilege freely given up by the working classes, that there
should be so many fine swells about, and John Jawkins, when roused
on the subject, talked political economy more, and made his friends
vaguer, than ever.
Don't tell me!" he would say over and over again," "about your
barristers and your lawyers and their labours. It's all a pack of
nonsense about their work! And your physicians and doctors and
writers on papers and clergy and officers-why their lives is one con-
tinual round of pleasure. And I tell you what, they're all on 'em,
with their black coats and shiny hats, a continually sucking the blood
of the working man, and the sooner the whole boiling of 'em's done
away with the better for the country. Pehaw! I know what: toil is,
and I'd bet there's more ability about polishing the fretwork of a piano
properly, or laying down a good drain-pipe, than in all these here high
class and Upper Ten amusements. I know what's what, I do, and a
swell's the natural enemy of the working man, I'll swear." John was
just then working up a lecture on the evils of an hereditary aristocracy,
which accounts for his being so unusually fervid, and on this occasion
so full of facts.
When the Liberals were in power, and didn't do what he thought
the correct thing, Jawkins opposed them with all his might and main,
and when the general election came on he ran for Parliament, and
very near succeeded in getting in as a Conservative working man ;
that is, he had lots of sympathisers, but as he hadn't the money to pay
the preliminary expenses, he had to retire without going to the poll.
This made him even more severe against the Upper Ten, and so he
became a Radical, attached to no party, sir, but prepared to denounce
them both at a fitting opportunity."
As domestic policy was particularly Jawkins's look-out, he busied
himself most with watching the movements of the Home Office, and
though this was by far the best conducted part of the Government, it
wasn't long before he found a grievance. For a time Mr. Cross
hanged every murderer with punctuality and dispatch, but at last, like
other Home Secretaries, he began to waver in his stern duty, and for
once a murderer was let off, or, if not let off, let off the hanging.
Jawkins didn't care much for murderers, for or against, but he saw
here was a chance, and he "stumped" the working man on the
matter, and earned many twopences admission.
By and bye a somewhat harmless murderer was hanged, despite the
efforts of his friends, just to balance the other one who was respited;
then, for apparently no other reason, a most atrocious brute was
allowed to cheat Mr. Marwood at the eleventh hour. This gave
Jawkins much fresh work, and he went down to the Office and
publicly denounced the Home Secretary and all the Upper Ten. He
did this two or three times and got much celebrity for doing it. He
was paragraphed in the daily papers as "an eccentric demagogue," and in
one or two weeklies of a working class as a "great and noble patriot,
willing to shed his blood on principle for his fellow labourer,"and the
twopences. came in faster than ever. During all this time Jawkins

never ceased to denounce swells, and to point to the happy future
when all the world would consist of working men, and the proudest
blazon on the British flag would be a well-used apron.
At last the time came when another murderer was in due course
respited, while a much less guilty and more mad one had just before
been hanged. Now," thought Jawkins, I will alter my tactics. I
will no longer go to the Home Office, I will straight to Newgate on
the morning, and at the hour when this young man ought to have
been hanged, will there denounce a brutal Conservative partiality. It
is sure to get in the newspapers more than ever, and I shallibe able to
charge threepence admission to my lectures on the evils of an Upper
So down he went, and just at the moment when the murderer ought
to have been on the scaffold, knocked at the door of Newgate. To his
surprise he was asked in politely, and it was evident he and his little
game were known. But he struck his attitude and commenced,
Minions and myrmidons of an unjust Government, you have allowed
three murderers to escape the last penalty of the law-."
Here he was interrupted by the Ordinary and Governor, who told
him he was just in time, as they had made up their minds to hang a
man who was not a murderer, and thus balance the business and ease
their consciences. Jawkins was at once pinioned and taken out in the
yard and hanged with much indignity, being cut down and buried
without even an inquest, and with only half the usual quantity of
quicklime. And the greatest wonder of it is that nobody seems to
have cared sixpence about this great public patriot, or even to have
taken the trouble to call at the gaol and ask how he liked it. And
what would have been far worse to him, if he could have known it, he
didn't even get a newspaper paragraph, the whole affair was con-
sidered so far beneath the regular reporters' notice.
And our opinion is, that we shouldn't mind many more murderers
being let off haiiging, provided the omission would but lead to the
suspercollation of several others of the Jawkins kidney.

IME was when English beef and beer
The Briton's heart were wont to
Time was when English beer and
ii Were thought of food the chiefest
But now, how changed the Briton's
way !
He scorns the common tap to-day,
And when he takes his meal is fain
To call for claret, hock, champagne.
Time was when port and sherry
/Were thought the product of the

When beer with meat was voted

And fizz was hardly understood.
Time was-one hardly dares to

When no one' drank the present

But nourished were, beyond a doubt,
On good old,English ale and stout.
___ -__--_ Ah me !--but worse is yet to come!
No wonderTram getting glum,
No wonder I am grey wit~lrief,
For now we've lost our English beef.
Oh, English feeders find it, rough,
To have to eat this Yankee staff;
And gone for aye's a nation's pride
When such invasions may. betide.
# #
But why should I be sad, p.'d say
I pine for things of yesterday ?
Much rather should I shriek-with joy,
With rapture that has no ally,
To find the butchers erst so hard
Hoist skyward with their own petard,
To find the ones who used utworst
By latest change the most accurst.

THE Liberal whip has been the guest of ,the Conservative whip for
several days. There's a smack of goodfellowship about these whips to
which everyone must a(whip)cord approval.


Country bookseller to miner (who has previously invested in a dictionary) :-" OH, TOU MUST LOOK AMONG THE S's FOr SCISSORS, NOT TH Z's."

WHICH OF 'EM. Gross Flattery.
THERE once was an Earl known as Durby, THIS is a strange thing to find in the advertisement columns of a
Who funkily fancied the Russ daily paper of large circulation : "' A flat wanted (where there are other
Might incline to be Russ in that urbe, flats) in a good part of London." Whene'er we take our walks abroad
The scene of the Conference fuss. how many flats are only too anxious to make their flatness known!
And yet one has to be advertised for! Perhaps, though, as advertiser
There once was an Earl known as Darby, wishes him to be among others, he wants the exact and proverbial one
So oily and soapily sleek, flat who makes many. Even then he might save his money by going
The words of his leader were barby, at once to St. Stephen's and tossing for choice between Whalley and
But his were delightfully meek. O'Gorman.
There once was an Earl known as Dareby,
With A beautiful faith in himself, Data.
Who fancied B.'s shoes would his share be VICTOR HUGO, speaking of a recent Republican anniversary,
When B. was put up on the shelf, remarked, When night returns we must relight our great dates like
torches to light us." Master Fun, home from Harrow, says he never
A Martyr to his Art, made light of dates, but they were more than torch to him. They
were torcher.
A WAIrER at Templemore, in Ireland, choked himself while eating
his dinner. It is only in Ireland that one who couldn't wait because His 'Team.
he was waiting to wait would be called a waiter.
he was waiting to wait would be called a waiter. A CORRESPONDENT attempts to argue in a contemporary that on
the score of humanity, steam on a tramway is preferable to horses."
To the Fly. On the score of fact, we beg to add that whenever we have travelled
WHERE does the Kingsbury Rgsident grease his wheels ?-Where ? we have noticed the steam on the horses and not the tramway, so we
Why, in the Haxell's hof course, incline to his views.

ditto, Irom a/. or % ,en, T or a SEWI NG
do.... Grea. M At ,HIt I.rkshire IVMACH IN ES
OFBEEF. Awlue equa.lling in flavour flnetport, and N. BRANDAUER & CO.'S New registered "press
e ebinin the nutritive properties of solid food. A boon eri of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
L I B G TON I WI N E. oimts being rounded by a new processo.-Ask your
IS TONIC W INE. n ationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
A delicious drink, poJsessing the most astonishing in- PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING. select the pattern best suited to your hand.
vieorating powers.- tores: 12, CLOAK LANE, E.C., and Wine
eaters. CAUTION.-If CGeoa thicken in the cp it prove the addition of starch.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's 'ill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) at 153, Fleet-street, E.O.-London, March 7, 1877.

[ A Ca 7, 1877.


MATCH 14, 1877.] F U .I 97

Dealer:-" .. sason A, WELL, IF TER WAS TO A -ST MB WOT Excuse 'E 'AD- !"

PEACE I Breaking Butterflies.
THE Northern warrior's doubtful hand slips slowly from the sword, Ma. J. S. STUART-GLENNIB, the gentleman who did such service to
And Backwards I" runs along the lines of his wild armed horde the Conservative press and party by not seeing anything not fit to
Whose eager eyes were strained across the famous border stream be seen during his travels in the Atrocity districts, has just issued a
To where the rich fulfilment lay of Russia's cherished dream, pamphlet contradicting certain statements affecting his honour and
The ruddy glare of belching flame dies out along the skies, veracity put forth by a well-known special correspondent in another
The trampled herb rears up its head, the sounds of labour rise; pamphlet published some months back. Were it not that after a time
The careless footstep rings again, and briskly to and fro these things become singularly wearisome, it would be well if some
With easy hearts and laughing lips the women come and go. disinterested third party would issue a third pamphlet, giving the
For when the wanton winds of March were sounding winter's knell, world his view of the matter and explaining the real cAuse of the
Aslant upon the Olive Branch the sweet spring sunbeams fell! squabble. Except-and this is an additional reason for not doing it-
A sacred emblem as of old to bid a deluge cease, of course for the fact that the world-the great world, we mean, and
And show amid the seas of blood the Ararat of Peace. not the little one-cares less than nothing for the private doings of
Peace For how long? A who shall say, while men with eyes either of ter of these extremely self-important pamphleteers. The eyes of
Peace For how long Ah! who sha say whule men wth cruel eyes Europe, like those of Mr. Samivel Veller, are not million-power
Would tramp o'er leagues of murdered souls to grasp a paltry prize, manifying microscopes.
While kingly lips blaspheme their God, and link his holy name g opes
With all the crimson deeds of war and rapine's blackest shame. Ex-r ewsable.
Looking out for Suall D. HOOKR, on behalf of the Kew Gardeners, has successfully opposed
GLooking out for Squalls. the granting of a licence to a public-house near the entrance to the
GENERAL IGNATIEFF, so Say those who know, is to visit London grounds. It was urged that the pub. would~cause drunkenness.
specially to obtain the services of an eminent oculist. It is evident Temperance is, therefore, the horticultural watchword of the day, and
the General wishes to have his weather eye well opened while there visitors to the famous grounds must refresh upon the strtht Kew Tea.
yet time, and this without any of the eye- alutin' so common among
oculists. mo a g-----
Stowe that I Quid pro Quo.

THE real original hero of Uncle Tom's Cabin" has been visiting THE Stafford House Committee has forwarded two hundred pounds'
her Majesty at Windsor Castle. He is an amiable old gentleman, and, worth of quinine to the poor Turkish soldiers. This is a delicate way
therefore, the rumour that Ryalty has a liking for Old Tom is of recompensing them for the large doses of steel they gave the
probably well founded. Bulgarians.
A Barba Dose, A Por-sign of the Times.
THE freedom of the City of Cork has been presented to Mr. Pope IT is stated that the Earl of Beaconsfield his expressed his disgust
Hennessy. The Irish Whisky Drinker" says he prefers Hennessy at the result of the Oldham election. If he inherits the antipathies
unCorked. of his race, Old ham ought naturally to be objectionable to him.




IT's sadly but supremely true,
However zealous his devotion,
The poet never can imbue
His reader with his own emotion;
The reader will not catch the notion,
But blinks his eye and nods his head
And shuts the book and goes to bed!
Now my productions not a whit
Shall suffer from this imperfection,
But will unfailingly transmit
A just and accurate reflection
Of ev'ry varying complexion-
However subtle, strange or rare-
The soul's emotions ever wear.
The poems I intend to write
Shall so embody psychic phases
In all their mystery and might
And all their esoteric mazes,
That ordinary words and phrases
Will be unable to convey
The sense of them in any way.
The means I've cunningly designed
By which I shall convey sensations
Are very subtle and refined
And difficult of explanation!
The consequence of inspiration
Too vague, mysterious, and grand
For human minds to understand.
The alternating light and shade
My thoughts assume, 'tis needless hinting,
Could not be properly conveyed
By letters, syllables, and printing.
The finely graduated tinting
That marks my changeful psychic fires
Some finer medium requires.
I fancy that this go-between
For reproducing inspiration
Will be some kind of vague machine
Of half-impalpable formation;
A psycho-physical creation,
Tn which you touch a sort of spring-
I couldn't quite describe the thing.
I fancy, too, my plan combines
A cunningly arranged succession
Of arbitrary marks and signs
Conveying each some fixed impression ;
And all desirous of ingression
Within my mysteries must start
A-learning all these signs by heart.
Of course (as it will be inferred)
My works are not for circulation
Among the pitiable herd
Who are without imagination;
A rigid course of preparation
Will fall to those in whom there lurks
A noble wish to read my works.
I think the most successful trait
Of my mysterious invention
Must be the admirable way
In which it balks my comprehension :
It is superfluous to mention
That poetising never fails
Where vagueness palpably prevails.
One hundred pounds per vol. will be,
For work so wondrously afflated,"
A price by which a bard like me
Could never be remunerated,
Although this price will be abated
By quite three-quarters, out of hand,
To those who, reading, understand.

Oh, that some Power."
MR. Rusxmn thinks that all men who are in any way mad should
be at once hanged out of the way. With supreme pity always, but
inexorably, hanged." Mr. Ruskin is possibly right, possibly righter
than he has been for a long while. But its correctness is not the only
reason why we should not have expected this particular statement
from Mr. Ruskin.

[MA CH 14, 1877.


JIM JONrON was really one of the cleverest fellows that had ever
been born; he had an aptitude for everything and a talent for every
Under these circumstances it was evident that a brilliant career
under the direct auspices of Fame was only waiting for him to embark
on it. The car of Fame waited, as it were, at his door, and he had only
to descend his steps and jump in. So he was not at all particular as
to what profession he took up, and gave himself lots of leisure before
he began to make his way. At last he thought he might as well take
to the parliamentary line and become prime minister in a year or two;
so he put up for his borough and got into Parliament. Now, although
he thought he had an aptitude for government, such was really the
case, as would have been proved, had he ever had an opportunity
of displaying it: but things went wrong with him, and he always got
on the speaker's blind side, and never could find a place, and finally gave
it upin disgust. Never mind, he decided to take tothelaw and become
Lord Chancellor; and, although he had one of the best heads I ever
knew and could speak brilliantly, he never got a brief; so he gave that
up too. After this he failed-(although he had an immense talent for
painting)-in becoming President of the Royal Academy; went into
the army and- (although he was as plucky as he could be and magnifi-
cently qualifiedforasoldier)-could n t getto be Field Marshal Command-
ing in Chief ; wrote some of the grandest poems in the English tongue,
but never reached the status of Laureate; and went in for the Church
and stopped far short of the Archbishopric of Canterbury. He began
to get very low-spirited over the job, and felt inclined to give up Fame
(which was really his due in some line or other) as a wildgoose-chase.
However, he thought he would have another try or two, and aimed a
little lower this time; made some trials as an actor, and-in spite of
his showing the true mettle of a tragedian-failed again; tried big
forgeries, but could not get his name into the papers, owing to the
perverse stupidity of his victims in always forgiving him-and gave up
Fame. Henceforward he meant to be a hermit, to keep himself to
himself, and to hide himself right away in the obscurest position of
life that he could find. A policeman's life was too public; so was a
cabman's; and so was a cat's-meat man's, and he was sorely perplexed.
But one winter's day as he wandered along the tow-path at Putney, the
river looked so lonely and deserted that he thought if he could only find
out some way of existence which should keep him to that spot he could
be as obscure as mortal could wish. Then all of a sudden he saw it all
clearly; he had a notion; he would buy a boat and ply up and down
by that desolate bank as a waterman, and hide his nothingness that
way. So he bought the oldest boat he could find, so that nobody would
patronise him; let his hair grew over his eyes, and passed his time in
dismal meditation in company with a solitary dog which he had con-
ceived an attachment for on account of its being utterly neglected and
let alone by all the world.
When anyone came by he would make a point of gazing away over
the river, so that he should not be noticed or accosted, and for some
months he got on very well. But it was at the beginning of March
that a gentleman beautifully got up in flannels strolled along the tow-
path, obviously looking for something. When he saw Jonson he
stopped suddenly and muttered: "A waterman-ha! Be looks as
if he'd know all about it-He'll give me a tip !" First he went up
humbly and obtained favour with the dog. Then he came up and
touched Jonson reverentially all over. You can tell me who's going
to win, can't you ?" he said worshipfully. "I've often longed to hear
the opinion of a real live waterman; here's gold; I'm the Duke
of ."
Jonson didn't know anything about it, and said nothing. Then the
Duke went away and whispered to all his friends about the mys-
terious, silent, old waterman who must know all about the race; and


all the Duke's friends came down to the strange old waterman for
a "tip."
Jonson still said nothing, but this only increased their belief in his
ineffable knowledge of races, and their anxiety for his acquaintance.
Then all the Duke's friends invited the waterman to their places, and
went proudly about arm-in-arm with him (for it is Fame to be seen to
converse with a waterman at boat-race time.) The more he avoided
notice the more he obtained it; his name got into the sporting papers
as the mysterious old waterman who had the straight-tip ; and in three
days he was the best known man between Putney and Mortlake, and
had made a considerable fortune. As the race-day approached the
anxiety of all those great people for his tip grew to a frenzy; gold
flowed in by cartfuls; fifty noblemen surrounded him every day and
clamoured for a chat with him, and when I last saw him on the day
before the boat-race the Duke had just offered him his only daughter
in marriage as a final bribe for the tip, and Jonson had accepted.
I knew my talents would lead me to Fame some day," he said to me;
and here I am l"

/.) f

Now March is here, and Boreas is growling ;
He obstinately roars throughout the day;
Through keyholes whistling, and down chimneys howling-
And struggles hard to blow us all away.
Miss March delights in showing off her powers,
And visits us ere springtime has its birth,
Puts trees in order, and arranges flowers,
And makes new dresses, tao, for Mrs. Earth !
This windy weather, though, is apt to fret one,
It spins one's hat along the muddy road,-
And hats are scarce, it's hard enough to get one-
(The poet's hat is scarcely d la mode).
The ways of March are lion-like, at present;
This fierce demeanour, though, is nought but sham,
Ere long she'll be more peaceable and pleasant,
And exit" with the meekness of a lamb!
Come, March, my girl, don't blow us all to pieces !
Remember clothes cost money now-a-days-
(And money is a thing that soon decreases)
So strive to be more gentle in your ways.
In March comes Lady-day, that's not a mirth-day-
Moreover, I'd remind you in my rhyme,
The 15th is the present writer's birth-day-
So send in all your gifts and things in time!

The Spirit of the Times.
A sTAs snI which arrived in the Mersey the other day contained
a consignment of donkeys for the Marquis of Salisbury. It was a
hardened Radical who, after the brilliant and never-to-be-forgotten
services so recently rendered by the noble Marquis to England, re-
marked that consigning asses to Salisbury reminded him of a certain
supererogatory movement known as sending coals to Newcastle.
Maybe, though, this has some occult reference to the extraordinary
envoy's colleagues and the trouble he has with them, and even if it
hasn't, we, after mature consideration, think the notion not at all a
bad one, though perhaps just now it is hardly the correct thing to say
it quite so openly.

Hard to Swallow.
IN a breach of promise case at Leicester it was urged on behalf of
the defendant that, for thirty years he had been in the habit of taking
five pills a day, or a total of 64,760. Perhaps that was why he was
ordered to administer the plaintiff a draft for 150 and costs.


Os the occasion of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales taking
the chair at the 119th anniversary dinner of the Orphan Working
School, on the 6th inst., the capacity of the banqueting hall at
Willis's was tested to its utmost. What this spacious room will hold
when its every corner is occupied, and the diners are without elbow-
room in the very centre, we are unable to say; but whatever the exact
amount is, it must have been fairly represented during the Prince's
chairmanship. The occasion being that of a true charity, the guests
enjoyed their well-served dinner in the way which becomes those who
are hard at work in the interests of others; and as it is universally
admitted that charity should always commence at home, there was no
harm in the crowded assembly being charitable to itself and dining
sumptuously before commencing the more serious business of the
evening. Rather the reverse, for it is as well known as the proverb
itself, that as good eating closes the stomach it opens the heart, and
there is no time when a man feels so inclined to be generous and just,
affectionate and agreeable, as when he has dined well, and good
digestion waits on appetite. We have said the room was crowded to
its utmost limit, but we have evidence there was no lack of elbow-
room when the time came for the pocket to be called on. In effect,
the subscriptions gathered for this excellent institution show that in
a good cause the difficulty of being too tightly packed to get at one's
money is unknown. An amount guaranteed in one evening of nearly
7,000 speaks at once for itself and the extent and quality of the
company. The usual professional singing was dispensed with, and
even the music was of a faint and intermittent kind, but when the
healthy, happy looking boys and girls were marched round the room,
they gave a specimen of their vocal powers in a simple Gregorian
which, to many present, must have been far pleasanter than the most
dulcet music or melodious singing. The Prince was an excellent
chairman, the toasts were fortunately few, and, with the responses,
short and sweet, and there can be no doubt the condition of the
Orphan Working School and Alexandra Orphanage will be con-
siderably improved by its 119th anniversary festival.
Still unsatisfied with the extraordinary achievements which have
made their names a synonym for wonder and astonishment, Messrs.
Maskelyne and Cooke have developed a new feature of their enter-
tainment and occasioned fresh consternation and gnashing of teeth
among those who would gull the groundlings into the belief that
much more common-place occurrences than those promoted at the
Egyptian Hall are the result of spirit manifestation. Up to now the
larger part of the performance was in the hands of Mr. Maskelyne,
but, as if to show that he is weary of concealing so much wonder-
working power in his own bosom, Mr. Cooke comes to the front and
adds to the laurels already the property of the firm, with Mr. Morton
for principal custodian.
Mr. F. Chatterton's harp recital at St. George's Hall on Wednesday
last possessed all the features which have hitherto given this gentle-
man's play pre-eminence. It was also noticeable for the introduction
of a young lady relative and pupil whose p'ay was almost as spirited
as the lesseeship of her father, Mr. F. B. Chatterton, at Drury-lane.
There were one or two theatres that, under this head, we had intended
noticing more or less eulogistically, but unfortunately we find our-
selves forestalled. On consulting the advertising columns of the
daily press, it will be seen that the managers of certain houses have
taken on themselves-and perhaps righteously-the task of criticising
their own wares and publishing the results. Having thus settled the
matter for themselves, they might consider it unfair were any one to
interfere even on their side, and might issue a fresh manifesto.
Besides, it would not be easy for a poor professional scribbler to
emulate the enthusiasm with which these pieces are received-by the

''From Grave to Gay."
THs writer of a capital series, called London as It is," now
appearing in the Penny Illustrated, speaks of the City being silent as
the grave were it not for the clatter of the news-carts. We thought
it was publicly known that noise and clatter generally do prevent a
city from being silent as the grave, though why the grave should
insist on being so much more silent than the gay we are decidedly at
a loss to discover, and haven't the time to search. Nor is it necessary
for the purpose, which is to speak well of, and not scoff at, a
really clever sample of our illustrated London news.

Against the Field.
MR. JusTIcs FnELD, in a recent breach of promise case, requested
counsel to read a certain letter "as a man" and then throw the case
up. The barrister retorted that he was there as an advocate to do his
duty to his client, and he objected to be called a man. Mr. Justice
Field then explained that he was a man himself. We are glad to
have the information. A good many of our judges at present are old

MARCH 14, 1877.]

100 FUN. [MacH 14, 1877.

\ <^ ,l --..^ I V.\l ts -I ,,.

There was a leader-writer on a daily paper who, about February, began
to waste with care and turn from his food.

As March approached his nights became restless and burthened with uneasy

r--- "M

And at the beginning of that month folks on the Putney tow-path began to be alarmed with the sight of an agonized figure stalking up and down.

Whenever the leader-writer heard a knock at his door, he started At length the dreaded summons came. "Jeffintop," said his editor, "you must
t wildly from his chair. write me an entirely new article about the boat-race-something never
written before." The blow had fallen!

F T-U N -MARCH 14, 1877.


MA.cu 14, 1877.]


WHEN aberrations overtake
Our gaudy clerical advisers,
They've but to cry, "For conscience sake!"
To count in scores their sympathisers.
So if to gain my bread I thieve,
This fact should shield me from invective-
I conscientiously believe
The laws against the thief defective.
But no one seems, that I can see,
To greatly sympathise with-me.
Church law alone they say, we heed,"
And, profiting by their instruction,
Immediately cIi.roceed
To make theological deduction.
I scorn the laws. of honest mode,
I am a burglar by condition,
And only to a burglar's code
Do I intend to yield submission.
But no one seems, that I can see,
To greatly sympathise with;mse.
When cracking cribs (a term we -use
Repeatedly in-our profession),
Ive frequently expressed my views -
While gagging, parties in possession,
"Excuse the liberty," say I,
Although I'm given thus, to stealing,
It's merely done to satisfy ":' 1-:
My conscientious;tate of feeling .- *
But still they d', that I can see,
Exactlyunympaise with me.
When I defy the nation's laws,
I do it solely from conviction;
I disobey the judge becatise
I don't admit his jurisdiction.
But "church" success I'll scarcely win
(Burlesque of sacred things while dreading),
And till I take to rushing in
Where angels have a fear of treading,
There's no one likely, I can see,
To greatly sympathise with me.

IF Time was made for slaves, the market has not been
overstocked. They've never much on their hands.

Bill Sikes (to mild gent who has lost his way in the thick of the Dials) :-" YER

BY the time this reaches you, Mr. Editor, both the Oxford and the
Cambridge crews will have been seen disporting on the Thames, clad
in their light and dark blue bunting, and merrily preparing for the
Carnival of annual aquatics and the Ovation of the general public.
Ah, sir, it is fine down here in Putney, now. No longer the school-
boy stands stagnant, and the cabman is oblivious of his former calm.
No more do the tradesmen tranquilise by the Putney equivalent for
vines and fig-trees, and it is estimated that nearly sevenpence was
taken in that number of minutes by the dauntless one who keeps the
bridge, and who, I firmly believe, must have kept it in the brave days
of old, for full description of which see Thomas Babington
Macaulay's lay.
Talking of lays reminds me of your latest-some letters which I
have had pointed out to me, sir, in your excellent and influential
journal. If I may be allowed to use such an expression, I will
characterise those productions as unexampled audacities, fraudulent
productions which could never have emanated from the brain of a true
and honest Briton, proud of the isle that gave him birth, that isle in
which there is annually rowed a race of the kind dear to the sons of
the Isis and the Cam, the Thames and, aye, even to the minor streams
which adorn and fructify this great and glorious nation. No one, I
feel sure, who had the interest of this race at heart-this race of
which I am the one and only acknowledged authority-would descend
to so degrading a tissue of absurdities as was contained in the
effusion of your last number, which, as I have said before, I should
not have seen had it not been pointed out to me, and which I should
even then have taken no notice of if I had not felt it necessary for the
honour of my name as your special correspondent, and for the sake
of the friendships I have made among the most eminent oarsmen
since I have been entrusted with the aquatic department of your

I will not say, sir, your own sense of what is right and proper
should have prevented you from publishing statements so evidently

false upon the face of them. I will merely say, sir, you, of all men,
should be most aware that publicans are not in the habit of presenting
pressmen with presents, unless they require at least double the cash value
in return I will leave you to think this matter over at your leisure
and, trusting to receive as speedily as possible an apology for your
great breach of journalistic etiquette and no less aquatic trust,
P.S.-I reopen this to say that if you are good you shall have a
splendid article containing my final summary, for the Grand Double
Number of Fun, which I may as well tell you will be issued the Wed-
nesday before the boatrace. Perhaps, Mr. Editor, you ought to be
informed that the price of the Double Number of Ftn will be still
only a Penny. Perhaps also, Mr. Editor, you ought to be told to give
your orders early for the Grand Double Boatrace Number of Fun, for
which there will be no increase in price-no extra charge. Dear me !
what a lot of telling you editors do want to be sure!

TsaRE was an old fellow named Hayes,
The land of the Yankee he sways;
He's the President now,
After squabble and row
Which lasted a number of days.
There was a sad duffer named Hunt,
Who couldn't have managed a punt-
So we gave him the Navy
To send to old Davy,
Which cost us a hatful of blunt.

SIR HARDINGE GIFFARD fought a Collier t'other day. He had been
out in the cold so long he was glad to scramble for a Launces-ton.

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