Front Cover
 Title Page
 July 5, 1876
 July 12, 1876
 July 19, 1876
 July 26, 1876
 August 2, 1876
 August 9, 1876
 August 16, 1876
 August 23, 1876
 August 30, 1876
 September 6, 1876
 September 13, 1876
 September 20, 1876
 September 27, 1876
 October 4, 1876
 October 11, 1876
 October 18, 1876
 October 25, 1876
 November 1, 1876
 November 8, 1876
 November 15, 1876
 November 22, 1876
 November 29, 1876
 December 6, 1876
 December 13, 1876
 December 20, 1876
 December 27, 1876
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00029
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00029
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page 5
    July 5, 1876
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    July 12, 1876
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    July 19, 1876
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    July 26, 1876
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    August 2, 1876
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    August 9, 1876
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    August 16, 1876
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    August 23, 1876
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
    August 30, 1876
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    September 6, 1876
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    September 13, 1876
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
    September 20, 1876
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
    September 27, 1876
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
    October 4, 1876
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
    October 11, 1876
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
    October 18, 1876
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
    October 25, 1876
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
    November 1, 1876
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
    November 8, 1876
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
    November 15, 1876
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
    November 22, 1876
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
    November 29, 1876
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
    December 6, 1876
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
    December 13, 1876
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
    December 20, 1876
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
    December 27, 1876
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
        Page 265
        Page 266
    Back Cover
Full Text



11.E 1

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__ 2

OME said it was Beaconsfield who began it, others averred it was Gladstone. Some thought the Emperor of Russia had a hand in it,
others felt sure that the Lord Mayor of London was really at the bottom of the transaction. Some shook their heads and said it was a
sad day for England, while others swore by the sword of their fathers that Conservatism and the good cause had once again placed us in
the van of nations.
"Ahem! said Lord Chief Jestice Fun, as he begged leave to interfere for one moment; "let's hope they haven't made a trifling mis-
take, and placed us in the cart."
But the disputants, never heeding this frivolous and trifling interruption, went on, and gradually it was whispered that the Jews were
"in it," and that they would never rest until Ban Beaky was crowned King of the Chosen People after the rest of the nation had been
annexed by Russia. And when it began to be rumoured that Ben had said, looking at the Regalia in the Tower, that it, being all second-hand,
would be just the correct and appropriately figurative thing for his coronation, even the most cautious in the land began at last to fathom
what for fifty years had been a great inscrutable and Hebrew mystery. Then and only then it began to dawn upon them how it was that the
butchery of "white men" had been bat a joke, and the blood of Christian babes and mothers cried aloud for nought beyond an ex-
Parliamentary epigram.
There were even now differences of opinion as to who was in the right, and still obstinate people who would not be convinced. But as
these are always about and are likely to remain: during our time at all events, we can dismiss this portion of the Great and apparently never-
ending Dispute, with the remark thai,
Everybody was agreed there was going to be War. Nobody knew exactly why or wherefore, but there was no doubt it was to be War.
Nobody knew whether we were going to win or to lose, and nobody knew exactly who it was we were going to fight; but like true Englishmen,
having drifted into it, there we were, ready for the worst, and prepared to do our best for England, Home, and Beauty-(copyright).
*' 0 *
War! War, fierce, sanguinary, and horrible! War, which would depopulate whole countries and make thousands of families homeless
and desolate! War, which would leave its mark on our own shores in the shape of increased taxation and the weeping and wailing of the
widow and the orphan !-in increased poverty and hunger, and the national triumph which consists in every necessary shillingsworth costing
a pound! Yes, War was to be declared, and yet nobody knew why !
The Duke of Cambridge had harangued the army of sixteen men and two boys, and gone home to dinner. The fleet had been got nearly
ready without much more damage than had been expected, and the only difficulty was the discovery that every pen'orth of powder had been used
up in the trials of the eighty-one ton gun. The Empress of India and suite had retired to Scotland for safety. The Prince of Wales
had erected barricades at Marlborough House. The other members of the Royal Family who could afford it were out of the way
abroad, and only those Serenities who had nowhere else to go and no money but their English pay, remained at "home." Everything
was arranged, and the country was declared by the Conservatives to be never so ready or so well prepared for war as she was at that
particular present moment.
Was there no one to interfere at this fearful crisis, no one to come forward like Marcus Curtius or Horatius Codes of old, and save his
country ? Yes, there was one, as there always is when necessary. And this time it was no other than the noble and mighty Lord Chief Jestice
we have already mentioned, who, getting the opposing factions into a corner (by means of the novel device of a Friendly Lead and General
Conference), made each one swear to be gentle and peaceful and faithful and true ere he was allowed the inestimable privilege of possessing

1E9 lrbynltg-fturtly olmue aof )t] 5mk eri of fun.


AaoNo the Roses, 11 Jinks' Plan, 123 World's a Stage (The), 179
Appointing a Representative, Juvenile Depravity, 193 Worldly Wisdom, 195
Awful Atrocities, 47 Jeremy Jones' Genius, 198 Winter Galleries (The), 213
Angered Seulotor (The), 133 Justice, 228 What It Must Come To 239
Arctic Expedition (The), 188 LWasted Energy, 240
Arctic Expedition (The), 18 LAST who Spoke it (The), 5 T What was in the Wind, 243
Advice Gratis. 197 Lucky Licensed Victualler ('he), 129 Wat wrs toir rTheid 243
Another P6eticsl Mayor, 199 Love Song (A), 170 What a Little Bird w pered, 260
At the Cattle Show, 3238
Awkward Dilemma (An), 261 !'MOMEXTOUS Question (The), 15
My Misfortune, 31
BROWNs' Good Fortune, 36 Man of Maxims (The), 33
Brutal Scoundrel (A), 63 Mary, 4i
Bull by the Horns (The). 104 Muddled, 77
Battle in Bucks (The). 105 My Partner 130 ENGRAVINGS.
Bad Example (A), 143 My Neighbour, 139
Ball Practice, 158 My Hero! 157 "ArLL for LoveI" 38
Best Intentions, 159 Metropolitan Improvements, 173 About the River.-Three Good Reaoans,
Bragg!" 165 Missed Hider (Tk e), 260 42
Birthday Ballad (A). 185 Another Atrocity, 107
Black Mail: A Medley, 261 NEW Leaves, 55 And thrice he slew the slain," 154
Better Not, 265 New Influence in the Navy (A), As others see us!" 166
Noble Return (A). A Tale, 56 Another Railway Atrocity, 220
CONVERSATIONS for the Times, 71 Notion (The), 67 Art and Literature, 230
Clapham Conundrum (The), 7S No News, 108 Allegory (An), 255
Close of the Season (The), 87 Noble Ambition (A), 178
Cross Examina'ion, 107 November, 185 BarTISH Sight-seer (The), 120
Cause or Effet 1assed,9 Norman Conquest (The), 253 Bumponology. A Study from Life, 177
Current Topics Canvassed, 144 Byond Combpare, 216
Court and Fashion. 177 OUr Choir, 31 British Tradesman (The). (6), 53; (7),
Cornelius Maggot. 1S5 Our Peasantry, 46 237
Charity's Chanrty. 186 Over Anxinus, 84 British Workman (The). (12), 8; (13),
Cold Comfort. 209 Our Own Eastern Inquiry, 98 1BO
Conference (The). 218 October, 146 Bar that, 265
Crumpled Roseleif (A), 219 One Crime the Less, 156
Chitmas is Coming, 246 Objects'of Interest, 183 Cucr3taERSOME ERther, 61
Christmas Lament (A), 247 C'oudv Comorelhcnsion, 64
Christmas Story (A), 247 POTSONED, 13 "Crooked Ways," 110
Chance, 258 Parliament Sketch (A), 17 Condyment, 143
Christmas Picture (A), 259 Popular Opinion. 23 Circumstances Alter Cases. 2)6
SPoet's Quest 'The), 45 Common Complaint (A), 226
DoTs and Lines, 12. 21. 31, 38, 48. 61, 72, Poet's Partialities (A). 74 Con Expreione 236
86, 90, 113, 119, 197, 145, 163 167, 185, People out of Doors (The), 126 Crumbs of Comfort, 249
196, 204, 210, 223. 234, 249, 250 Piocatorial Pleasures, 126 "Compliments of the Season," 26
Dream of the Inquisition (A), 53 "Painting the Lily," 175 Christmas Charity, 265
Dead Sea Fruit, 96 Poet's Partiality (4). 187
Doncaster, 1876, 99 Policeman's Vision (The), 235 DAT in the Country (A), 65
Derby's Device, 118 Paper-Knife and Pen, 135, 217, 265 Distinct Difference ( \), 97
Dan'l Marner, 121 Day of Rest (The)," 130
Daily Atrocity (A), 129 I QUITE Altered," 45 Dickey! 163
Duke's Device (The), 154 Qiecer Times! 73 Downy One (A), 241
Disappointed BDing 1A), 157 Quite Another Thing, 163 Discontent of Man (The), 243
Disgraceful Calling (A), 19
Demon Policeman (The), 215 RASe Boatman (The), 52 "ENTIcE," 41
December, 235 Reward of Merit (The), 95 Enthusiasm! 137
Romance (A)," 215 Every Man Has His Price," 227
EGOTISTICAL Episode (An), 5 Rhymer's Revenge (The), 245
Extradition Joke (The), It Is Coronat," 84
Exploring the Wilds, 26 Polr.Tui'o Like a Show! 27 Friendly Attention. 119
"Escaped 115 Spiritualiim Outdone! A Dream,'53 Fresh Start (Al, 126
Engaging Satirist, 215 Sasonable Story (A), 76 Flllow Pe'ing (A). 141
Essay on the Moth, 219 Smalltalk, 97 Facing Trouble, 157
Evils of Innovation (The), 229 Sour Grapes, 116 I
Eccentric Epistle (An), 265 Stranger in the City (A), 146 GnourDS of Argument, 25
Soph,,nisba Spivins, 155 Great Expectations," 72
"FAmy's Dwelling (A)," 14 Stanza-, 2:6 Gentle Annie," 106
Fleeting Joys, 35 Shakespeare's Medium, 224 Gentle Reminder (A), 146
Feeling of the Country (The), 37 Song of the School B.)ard (A). 226 Gunning Notion (A), 153
Finding Him Out," 135 Society of Painters in Water Colour, 219 Grasping a Difficulty, 234
Fact and Fancy, In0 Some Christmas Recollectionn, 255
Fair Warning! 159 SomeMasazines for July, 25; for August, HOT Weather Lassitude, 18
Father Christmas (To), 249 71; for September, 115; for October, 165 Flome Thrust (A), 77
Few Christmas Gifts (A), 255 Simple Request (A), 259 Hansom Offer (A), 164
How It's Done," 211
GONZALES Gineham, 33 THEATRICAL and Literary Announce-
Going Away 1 89 mental, 15 "I T Maiden Meditation," 31
Great Railway Hoax, 149 Too Soon, 21 'Igh 'Oban," 116
Good Service, 229 Town Pastoral (A), 43 In-Dew-Bitably So, 210
Greeting, 255 Tempted One (The, w57
Too Gothic be Half, 168 JEW'DICIAL, 86
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 32, 173, Those I've Met, 169 Job's Comfort, 170
195. 214, 235. 259 "To the Public," 174 Justice in a Corner, 190
How We Do Something in England, 43 Two Pictures, 213 Justice Again, 200
How I Spend My Holidays, E6 Trouble, 217 Just Such Another, 259
Historic Doubts, 106 Tastes Differ," 23 et Ingenium," 11
Hasty Government (The), 109 LABOR et Ingenium," 11
Holiday (A), 176 UNAMBITIOUS Mussulman (The), 7 Languid Levity, 55
Historic Fragment (An), 197nofficial Revelations, 6o Letting Well Alone, 187
Housekeeper's Dream (A), 250 Unfailing Remedies, 103 Like and Likely, 203
Unconverted Heathen (The), 110 Long and the Short of It (The), 223
INTREPID Conduct of a Constable, 27 Unreported Police News, 148, 227, 257 Liberal Measures, 243
Intensely Idyllic," 129 Unfounded Rumours, 51, 67, 87, 136, 170, Livener-Up (The), 262
Influence of Surroundings (The', 13 266 Mot Days in the Country, 100
Incontrovertible Pacts, 20 VEODAH who Laughe2 (The), 47 Missing the Point, 156
Irony of Fate (The), 233 Very 0 d,1 Friend (A), 107 More Scotch Sabbatarianism, 174
JABEZ Junker, the Teetotal Burglar, 16 Vulgar Notion (A), 183174
Jeser Petition (The), 3 Tryonogy, 88 New Language of Flowers, 62
Jester's Petition (The), 03 Well-meant Failure (A), 158 Novel Features, eS

Neuralgic Effect (A), 167
New "Box Trick" (The), 210
Not at all Singular, 247
OWRs Young Yet, 12
Oakward Rather, 21
Our Holiday at the Seaside, and its
Results, 75
Of a Kidney, 16
On Travelling.-Some Railway "Atroci-
ties," 85
"Old Towe!ler," 93
On Travelling. Some More Railway
"Atrocities," 94
Obvioua-ly. 104
Our Imbecile Magistrate, 114
One of London's Free Exhibitions,"
On the Power of the Human Eye, 169
Of Course. 217
Out of Place, 231
On Models. (1), 141; (2), 147
0 that some power-," 2 7
PAROCHIAL Pleasantry, 41
Pal-time, 90
Pride of Place (The), 150
Pat Answer (A), 13
Proof Positive, 186
Pride in One's Ancestors, 2'7
Progress, 216
Providence, 258
ROYAL Road at List (The), 48
Random Shot (A)," 113
SRustic Innocence, 173
Retort Not Courteous (The', 22
SILVER Key (The), 22
" Strange Beggars," 35
Seaside Pleasures, 85
Sign of the Times (A). 127
Specimen of Our Railways (A), 134
Social Gradient (The), Lower Level, 176
" Same (The), but Different," 213
To the Best of Her Knowledge, 15
' Tender and True," 21
Triumph of Row (The).-By our Di--
rusted Hermit now Visiting Town, 28
"'Tis 'Aply Perplexing," 5S
True Politeness. 74
Tender Solicitude, 96
Tnere's Many a True Word, &c., 124
Topical Talk, 136
Taking Two Together, 184
UNTtsLtY Ntice, 45
Useful Rela'ion (A), 51
Unanswerable, 204
WAY of the World (The), 31
Whimwhambledon, 32
Writing on the Sl.,te (The), 176
Watch and Prey, 193
Woman's Walk in Life," 191
Warm Words, 197

ACCESSORYnv to Murder, 121
Awaiting the Issue! 23t
" BRAVO, John! l,1
CHtRsTMAS Cards, 252
Conference Pantomime (The), 263
Dizz'"s Dissolving View, 60
Dream of a City Clerk (The), 81t
ENGLAND'S Pride and Glory, 131St
FnLT.nO the Pulse of Europe, 221
tLADSTONE to the Rescue! Ill
Great Shakespearean Realistic Reviva',
IMI'ERIAL Plaything (An). 211
MICROSCOI'ICAL Conservative Results, 49
NEw Reading (A), 9
" Not Assisted by Us," 141
November Fogs, 201
Oil for the Holidays, 69
POLITICAL Spirit-Rapping, 151
Political Obadiahs (The), 241
RETIRTNG from Business, 91
TRUT. Diplomacy (The). A Double Look-
out, 161
"Too Many Cooks-- 1E0
UNDECIDED Fireman (The), 39
WAR I -An Old Play Revived, 19
Westminster War Path (The), 29
Welcome Home (A), 191

f ? C OUND his garden many
/ times
S)oWanders Fun with fea-
tures glowing;
SIn his head the rampant
Are perpetually flowing.
Is it madness steeped in
mirth ? [ing P
Is it satire you're request-
Surely never yet on earth
Was such way to speed
your jesting.
Fun around his garden
Guileless in his voice and
manner, [ways
Yet to them who know his
r He's arranging plots-the
Pondering idly, deep in
Nearly dropping off to
P. Quickly ba6k from Dream-
Througland brought
By new notions for the
Now he's got it!-No had's not!
Fled's the project great and clever
How to make a splendid shot
Which shall give him fame for ever.
Ah, what's that? a streak of light!
Now for joy and curious caper-
Here's a notion dazzling bright
For the volume's opening paper.

"Tree of humour, fruit of knowledge,
Since my course on earth began,
You have shamed each school and college,
You have shown the way to man.
To all shams and base inventions
By your teaching I've been foe;
Fun, the humbug never mentions
Without showing sign of woe.
"Thus, then, tree of wit and wonder,
I will make a pledge of thee!"
Then to sound of comic thunder
Fun begins to strip the tree.
Soon he steals sufficient fancies,
And as high his projects soar,
Pegasus in prospect prances
Through Fun's Volume XXIV.
Just then Fun woke and found that he'd been dreaming,
Which isn't bad;
For when awake he can't do better scheming-
And so he's glad!

I MET him in the queerest way imaginable.
He was drinking up La Rue Regente with the twelve o'clock delivery
of penny d6piches t616graphiques, and I was putting on my skates at
the office d'assurance centre l'incendie pour le come, preparatory to
starting by the asphalt short cut to Le Palais de Cristal.
I am a student of dead languages from Hong-Kong, and I have
studied English much. I had come over to this country to discover, if
possible, some native who might remember sufficient of it to enlighten
me on one or two points.
I met professors by the dozen at the great soirees of intellect who
could tell me of all Oriental and Continental languages much-of the
language of Guillaume Shakespeare nothing.
They did not think patois worth study "-so they replied to me.
He bumped against a sergeant de ille at the corner of La Cirque
de Piccadeelee, and fell. Then he said, "Blow it!"-said it in the
ancient vernacular of the British Isles.
I rushed at him; I raised him in my arms; I invited him to join me
in a dry ice at the Barron Tortoni, and then I persuaded him to talk.
Strange, but that was all of the language that he knew, that one small
adjuration. He had forgotten it, he told me, like everyone else-
because there was no one to talk it to.
But he was a man of intelligence, and told me in broken French and
German-the language of the London middle-class now-how it came
to be forgotten.
I was head-master of an Acole Nationale when it first came about,'
he remarked, with pride, and as it lost me my situation I've cause to
remember it. The papers began it. They saw that only Germans
could play, only Italians sing, and only Frenchmen act. That put
half the theatres in the hands of foreigners. Then leaders were
written with four foreign words to two English ones. Then all the
cookshops wrote out their bills of fare in French. Then the City
folks and the West-end tradesmen sent their children abroad to school.
Then they always went abroad for their holidays themselves, and
voted Margate and Ramsgate and Eastbourne, and the English inland
places, vulgar and caddish. Then the poor people came to the national
schools and wanted their children taught to read and write French and
German instead of English, because, said they, If Billy and Mary
learns English it won't be any good to 'em when they goes to Lunnon ;
they won't be able to go to the Theaytre, nor read the noose, nor
know what to order when they goes to a Resterwrong.' So as Govern-
ment saw the wisdom of the demand they abolished English in
national schools altogether, and a frog-eating Frenchman had my
place in less than a month. How about the native literature, you ask ?
Well, it was pretty nearly all translated from the French or German,
so we read it in the original now instead. Same with the drama; we
get all the Parisian plays in their purity (?) now."
And can't you tell me anything about the language, the derivation
of words, &c.-eh P "
"No! There's an old gentleman at the Mus6e Britannique who
has a brass door-plate with an English inscription on it to decipher,
and Parliament voted him 10,000 a year to enable to prosecute his
researches and find out what it means, perhaps he might help you."
Thanks! Good morning."
He skated up Waterloo-place, and was out of sight in a minute. And,
bar the old gentleman at the Mus6e Britannique, I believe he was
at that moment the only person in the island who knew two words of
English. And two was his limit.
A I3ADIN'G ATIoCLB.-A conductor's byton.



[JuLY 5, 1876.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 5, 1876.
IN the days which are over, no more to return,
A sensible saying was known-
"When robbers fall out their own fingers must burn,
And the honest man come to his own."
Thus the thief, when his thieving had left him with swag,
Was obliged to be honest and true,
Or he'd find in this world that he hadn't a mag,
But a prospect uncommonly blue.
But, alack, all is changed since the days of our youth,-
Thanks to Dizzy, and Derby, and such,-
And the honest man now gets at naught but the truth
That the thieves have got all in their clutch.
Yes, matters have changed since Conservatives reign,
Left Honesty empty, alone;
For the robbers find everything count to their gain,
Till there's nothing that isn't their own."
WITH the long days and the bright sun, the green fields and the
fragrant flowers, there comes just now an appeal to the benevolent
which, new-fashioned and rapidly-increasing as it is, deserves all con-
sideration. It is the appeal with which the daily papers are now
filled, which asks for a day in the country to gladden the hearts of
those gutter children whose only heritage is poverty, not altogether
unmixed with crime. Without endeavouring for a moment to
emulate the articles on this subject we have seen in enthusiastic
journals whose enthusiasm is not above showing from what superior
and well-travelled classes journalism may from time to time recruit
itself, we should like to remind our readers that there can be no much
greater charity than that which gives to the poor little men and
women pent up all the rest of the year in noisome courts and alleys
a breath of fresh air, a glance at God's own handiwork. Those who
are so fortunate that they cannot understand how one day more or
less spent in the country can make any difference to anyone are not
asked to think the question out, as the seasons are much more rapid
in their movements than many folk's ideas; they are earnestly
begged to give first and argue the point afterwards. A long day in
the fields under the trees, among the lay, an exhilarating draught of
ether, and not only one other of milk, a hearty and wholesome meal,
a hymn of thanksgiving to the great Giver of all, who has given so
little to them who thank him so gratefully-these form an epoch in
the existence of babes born to toil and sorrow, to hunger and
adversity. Think, reader, that a cab-fare or the price of a pair of
gloves will make at least one child more happy than, maybe, you
have ever been in your life; think that in anticipation, in possession,
in retrospection, what half-a-crown will do Think, and, thinking,
give. And having done our share towards directing others towards a
good work which says so much more for itself than we can say for it, the
next thing is, if only for the sake of consistency, to try and see if we
can't contribute a mite ourselves. Though next to the poorest of
poor children, hard-worked jesters are in hot weather the most
worthy objects of a people's compassion.

GRACIE, though your little form
Makes me bless my humble lot,
Sunny smiles I find too warm
Now the weather is so hot.
Therefore, love, when I appear
At your mother's leafy cot,
Can't you chill me with a sneer
Now the weather is so hot F
Greet me with a freezing air-
Icy tones you have I wot-
Coldly frigid manners wear
Now the weather is so hot.
If my pleasure you'd enhance-
Little Gracie, would you not ?-
Darling, freeze me with a glance
Now the weather is so hot.

Board to Death.
A MR. MORGAN, of Birmingham, has hanged himself because a
School-board officer kept worrying him to send his boy to school.
The movement is passing from elementary training to suspercolledgu-

STNCE their removal of
Captain Sullivan and the
Rev. Mr. Penny from
SL.M.S. London, and their
subsequent refusal to
grant the captain a court-
Smartial,the Admiralty had
been more than ever un-
decided as to whether a
captain or a chaplain
uught to enjoy greater
aI authority on board the
vessels in the Royal Navy.
S' Grunter received orders to
proceed to the Mediter-
ranean, and a little time
before she started a new
chaplain came on board.
S, .. Now the captain was a
wonderfully good fellow,
but he thought the captain
ought to be at the head of a man-o'-war, in which theory he was
entirely opposed by the new chaplain, who was a wonderfully
good fellow too, but considered that the chaplain ought to hold the
first position. They had a discussion about it directly they started,
because the chaplain wanted to turn one of the two turrets into
an iron church, and use the big gun as a safe for keeping the
candlesticks in; and this led to so much coolness between them
that they lived entirely apart, at opposite ends of the ship, and never
exchanged a word unless they wpre compelled. The Grunter had to
touch at Portsmouth before she steamed away to Gibraltar, and when
she did a lot of the crew went on shore and didn't come back; so it
became necessary to procure fresh hands. Now, as the chaplain was a
member of the Peace Society, and entirely adverse to anything in any
way connected with war, he had been extremely grieved from the very
moment of his first coming on board at observing that the sailors were
all men who were obviously prepared to fight should opportunity
occur. He had been greatly puzzled as to the best means of altering
this state of things, and had begun by ordering the men to throw the
big guns overboard; but at this they had hesitated; so the chaplain
was compelled to let the subject drop for the present; but he felt great
confidence in his ability to get things right after a bit. There can be
no doubt that circumstances were dreadfully against him to begin with,
as it would have been useless for him to attempt to blind himself to
the fact that the ship had been built and fitted out exclusively for the
purposes of war, while his notion was to make a missionary ship of
her. This being so, he at once saw that the desertion of half the crew
was a circumstance which told greatly in his favour; for he resolved
to make up the deficient number with missionaries; and, going ashore,
he collected as many of these as he required and brought them aboard.
The captain loudly expressed his dissatisfaction, but the thing was
done now, and there was no course to pursue but to put up with it and
sail away, the chaplain and his hands living in the bow, and the captain
(who would not give up his cabin for anybody and his hands inhabiting
the stern; and in the course of time they arrived at the Mediterranean,
cruised a bit, and found there was nothing to do. The ship had no
further orders, and her course was now left to the discretion of her
Now the captain's idea was to return to England and join the
Channel Fleet, while the chaplain was inclined to proceed to the
Sandwich Islands for the purpose of converting the natives; and here
a great difficulty arose on account of the chaplain's perpetual attempts
to steer South, and the captain's unceasing efforts to steer North. At
first the odds were decidedly in favour of the captain, who, being in
the stern, held command over the rudder; but this cause of inequality
was removed by the chaplain, who set to work with his missionaries,
and very soon succeeded in rigging a jury rudder on the bow, after
which the ship's course became extremely erratic, but seemed to have
a strange tendency towards the coast of North America. It was about
this time that the circumstance of the Grunter speaking a homeward-
bound vessel suggested to the captain the advisability of sending a
complaint to the Admiralty, and the chaplain considered that the time
had arrived for him to do the same; the result, however, was unsatis-
factory, as the Admiralty sent back a conciliatory answer, begging the
complainants not to disagree, and dilating strongly upon the value of
unity of action. The fact of the matter was, that the Admiralty were
undecided which officer to reprimand, the naval and church parties
being equally strong in that department, owing to several bishops
having somehow got in. When the Grunter had been pursuing its
extraordinary course for some weeks, a brilliant idea occurred to the
captain. He sent a freezingly polite note to the chaplain, suggesting

I .

JULY 5, 1876.] FUN. 7

A Practical Answer.
IN the course of the Franconia argument, after a running fire of
small jokes by Bench and Bar, with the usual accompanies (Much
Laughter), we come upon a diamond well worth the cinder sifting
entailed. Mr. Benjamin remarks, Well, my lords, looking at the
matter as men of common sense in this nineteenth century, what have
we to say to the people who wrote three hundred years ago? The
Court then adjourned for luncheon." So stands it in the public prints,
and Mr. Fun steps softly aside and holds his tongue, lest any word of
his should spoil a practical answer so sublime in its truth and its

A Fellow de Sea.
A MERCANTILE mariner of Austrian nationality has been varying the
present run of Oceanic tragedy by cutting his own head off. This
we take to be a sign that recent proceedings have narrowed maritime
violence to proper and perfectly allowable limits.

All My High.
A CLERGYMAN in Dublin being charged with presenting a revolver
at his wife, and committing other clerical and connubial eccentricities,
it was pleaded that he was a man of high respectability. So high, we
should think, as to be invisible to persons with an ordinary range of
WHY is keep your powder dry like a Russian town,?-Because
it's a Warsaw.

that all future proceedings on board should be decided by the votes of
the majority of the crew, and the chaplain icily acquiesced; so the
destination of the ship was decided in favour of the Sandwich Islands,
the church party slightly outnumberil g the war party.
This was a great blow for the captain, and he-was beginning to have
serious thoughts of resigning, when ,he suddenly began -to peseeie
the growth of an influence which would tell much on his side-a
division was introducing itself among the church party in the -bow.
The point of disagreement was the big gun in the turret whio'h was
now used as an iron church. The moderate church section were in
favour of employing it as a pulpit; the more pronounced section sug-
gested that its presence in the edifice should be ignored; while the
extreme section (headed by the chaplain) insisted on throwing it
overboard, refusing to tolerate the presence of anything so suggestive
of warfare. Affairs were situated thus, and the ship was makingher
way to the Sandwich Islands, when the received news that war had
been declared with Iceland (or some -other power). The captain now
thought that it would be advisable to -reorn to the English coast, as
the vessel might be wanted, so he put the question to the vote.: Oane or
two of the moderate church section in the bow voted with him, and the
balance was just turned on his side by thecoming over of the ourate,
who had been originally intended for the tmy, and found the church
So back they came to the English coast, just in time to meet the
enemy's fleet at the mouth of the Thames. The captain had it all his,
own way as yet. Down he bore upon the hostile ships, and there
only remained one more question to vote over-whether he should
open fire or not F With feverish impatience he awaited the decision;
the votes were counted-his motion was carried by a large majority.
The big guns were loaded like lightning with their charge of powder,
and only waited for the shells. But there weren't any shells-the
chaplain had availed himself of the opportunity when the Grunter
touched at Portsmouth some time before to change the projectiles for
a stock of hymn-books for the Sandwich Islanders. So the captain
had to surrender unconditionally, and England was taken. And, as
far as utility goes, the Grunter might as well have shared the fate
that had befallen all the other British ships of war-and sunk.

if Nature e'er invented
Any being more contented
Than the hero of this story, I'm
mistaken and to blame;
Not a shadowy suspicion
Of the tiniest ambition
II^i For political position
Had Mohammed Woteaname I
Oh, a-many true believers did he
daily see instated
S In the governmental offices, with
j- revelry and fuss ;
Where they gaily did their duty
till they geot assassinated,
When their bodies were inserted
in the bounding Bosphors.
It was positively galling,
So contented with his calling
Was the person I'm describing in my plaintive little Isy;
Doing nothing in creation
With an air of animation
Was the thrilling occupation
Of his ordinary day.
When believers 'would persuade him into energetic action,
As a working politician he would chuckle and be grave;
And devote himself to watching, with a smile of satisfaction,
Those departed politicians as they floated on the wave.
Though his want of self-assertion
In the face of much coercion
Sat so beauftially on him as an admirable grace,
Yet with much determination
He would aid the aspiration
Of a spirited relation
Who was looking for a place.
Then he'd pay him many visits in his newly-found position,
And he'd borrow sums of money and forget to take 'em back;
And he'd follow up the fortunes of that person of condition
Till he ended his aidentures in the customary sack.
Oh, his uncles and his cous'ns,
Whey had revelled in their dozens
In the ministries ft commerce and of war and of marine,
And the victims of suppression
By sanguineous aggression
In their regular succession
They had subsequently ,been.
Now Mohammed, to his borrowings, a-making fresh additions,
Considerable, had managed for to save-
For his relatives had left him all their worldly acquisitions
Ere they finally departed to career upon the wave.
But the parties interested
In that nation, they requested
For to speak with that Mohammed, and, exceedingly irate,
They expressed their indignation
At Mohammed's hesitation
To arise and serve the nation
As an officer of state.
Then they took the good Mohammed and they bound him very neatly,
And they patted him persuasively and led him by the hand;
And they popped him in the Bosphorus, which undulated sweetly-
(If the Bosphorus is water-but I rather think it's land !)

A RnomHr telegram from Odessa informs us that A Christian has
been killed by a Zaptie." That a Christian should be killed at all is
infamous, but that a Zaptie should be the instrument is beyond
endurance. Can Zaptie be the native for Poor Law Guardians ?

All at Sea.
IN consequence of the shockingly disorganised state of our Navy and
the well-known terror of the First Lord when he looks through the
papers for another disaster, it is proposed to call the seas on which our
vessels cruise our terrortoryial waters."

Late News.
ON June 25th the Italian Government received official notification
of the assumption of the title of Empress by Queen Victoria. It is
unfair at a moment like the present for our Government to forward
our old jokes to the Courts of Europe.

8 FUN. [JULY 5, 1876.


"'Ere, I say, Goverment wants workmen to go out to Phillerdelfler to pick up things. May as well go, ebh Might get a useful 'int or two 1"

"Phillerdelfier, indeed! Why, we've come back agin in disgust. Learn a lot there I They can't strike worth a red cent, and as to rattenin'- 1 "

., ,

We don't want no teaching We knows 'ow to treat a non-unionist without teaching We're a bit more in our element, now, we are. As for Phillerdelf -l"

I F UN.-JULY 5, 1876.


JuLY 5, 1876.]


FUL oft en cn a summer's eve:
When labour's dull domain I leave
(At five my office closes),
I saunter to some busy nook
Where, when Z 20 doesn't look,
Girl hawkers offer roses.
A draggle-tailed and motley rout,
They toss the scented buds about,
Or squeeze them into posies.
The dainty leaves of red and pink
To them are merely food and drink-
They have to live on roses.
Yon strapping wench with unkempt locks
And shabbiest of shabby frocks,
Who on the doorstep dozes,
Stays on to earn the nightly fee
For lodgings let to such as she-
Her bed's a bed of roses.
Poor tumbled flowers at early morn,
From parent's stem you're rudely torn'
And sent to Mr. Moses-
Who has a sale, and knocks you down
To those who hawk you through the town,-
These girls among the roses.

La Crosse Purposes.
WE understand that, in acknowledgment of her
Majesty's gracious reception of them, the dusky pro-
fessional gentlemen known as the La Crosse players,
have declined to appear at any tea gardens not frequented
by the aristocracy. It is stated in the Russian papers
that the Emperor of Russia was so affected when he
read the Telegraph report of the proceedings that,
escaping from his attendants, he wired to the Clown
Cricketers to come out and be kissed. He was only
pacified by being allowed to carry the billiard marker
of the Hotel Darmstadt round the town of Ems pick-a-
Ten to One.
A GENTLEMAN, who signs himself "Ernest Hart,"
pleads for the vivisectors. A good many equally Ernest
Harts do the reverse. -w


Interior of a railway carriage in BEngland.
Two travellers are seated unsociably at opposite corners of the
compartment. They have travelled together for miles without
speaking a word. At length one of them lowers the window and
neatly picks off a fly on the telegraph wires with common saliva.
The other traveller evinces a sudden interest, eyes his companion
intently, and ejaculates, Sir, an American citizen I reckon ? The
object of his interest signifies assent. "Forgery ?" inquires the
observer. "Wrong for yon this time-Murder! replies the other.
And they fall into each other's arms and exchange flasks.

A hotel in Liverpool. Enter DISTINGUISHED TRAVELLER, saluted by HOST.
HosT. American I think, sir ?
VISITOn. Well, about that.
HOST. What crime, sir, may I ask ?
VISITOR. "Crime? "-I don't quite take.
HoST. Well, you see, sir, on account of the great demand upon
our space, we're compelled to set apart different parts of our
establishment for different classes of crime. You see we have to
charge according, in order to prevent overcrowding. We really
had such an influx of murder last week that if it hadn't been for our
raising the tariff in this department we couldn't have got on at all.
VISITOR. Well, I don't recollect doin' much in the murder line
myself, but- .
HOST. I'm glad to hear that, sir, for that department's really so
full just now. If it happened to be forgery, sir, we've ample
accommodation in that.
VISITOR. Wrong again for you, stranger.
HosT. Then it must be perjury. Step this way, sir, if you please-
we've some excellent apartments in that. We've some very dis-

tinguished gentlemen in the same line as yourself, sir, staying with us
at this moment.
VISITOR. Well, but hold on a few, I say. Hang all this perjury
business. I ain't aware of having performed any exploit- .
HOST. Oh! p'r'aps you're not a malleyfactor of any kind then ?
No ? Then I'm afraid, sir, we can't manage to accommodate you.
You see our house is exclusively for- Good day, sir,-extremely
sorry, I'm sure!

ScENm.-.England. Eater LEvITIcUS G. SCHRUNCHER (a persecuted
LaVrrous. Aha! I am pursued by the furies of the law. I did
but murder all my relations out in Ohio, but even in this effete old
country I can find no rest. They will-a-deliver me up to Mr.
Fish-oh, horrible horrible! (Weeps.) Ha The avengers are on
my terrack! I am a-lost! But no matterre! (Sinks down, as the
FIENDS OF THE LAW rush on and seize him.)
CHORUS or FIENDS OF THE LAw. Aha! Ho! ho! He is ours!
His time has come! Let us deliver him up to the tribunal of America.
(Enter other FIENDS representative of the tribunals of America. They are
about to receive their victim when a sudden blaze of light fills the stage,
and a Beneficent Spirit, in the form of Loan DERBY, rises through a
trap and waves them back.)
BENEFICENT SPIRIT. Begone, fiends! Unhand your victim! You
think to take him for murder-but you are baffled! He has
committed a political offence as well-he has drawn a caricature of
President Grant on a wall! He is free-and you are-aha-foiled!
(The victim's fetters drop off, while the avenging fiends of Justice slink
away into obscurity ; and the Beneficent Spirit hovers protectingly over
the murderer as the curtain falls.)


[JULY 5, 1876.

MUCH as we object
generally to give
any information,
the desire for which
is often the outcome
of a curiosity bor-
dering on imper-
tinence, we feel
bound in the present
instance to make a
statement. = The
widespread popu-
larityof ourDots and
Lines, the amount of
special and exclusive
information they
contain, and the
equally exclusive
manner in which
such information is
conveyed, has led to
a variety of rumours
in connection with
the authorship which
cannot be any longer
overlooked. =So the
Editor of Dots and
Lines for once in his
life feels compelled
to abrogate that un-
selfishness which is
his chief 'charm, and
to discard that
humility which has
ever been his prin-
cipal ornament. -
In so doing he trusts
it will never be for-
gotten that nothing
but the sternest
necessity for setting
a confiding public
right upon an im-
portant topic com-
pels him to do this.
That Mr. Disraeli
has ever actually
written any item
which comes under
the head of Dots and
Lines is untrue in
the letter, whatever
it may be in the
spirit. The right
hon. gentleman may
or may not have
communicated, but
the honour of having
written the actual
appearing words lies
with the present
writer. = And
though Mr. C. E.
Lewis may or may
not have prompted
the remarks which
have from time to
time appeared con-

Old Mac8kiflint (reading) :-" HECH, BECKY, DINNA TE KEN THE DATE P WHY IT'S

cerning him in this
column, it would be
a decided breach of
privilege as well as
of etiquette to accuse
him of more. = Mr.
Ripley's communica-
tions to this depart-
ment have ever been
received in the spirit
in which they have
been written, and
when not basketed
have been cour-
teously but firmly
returned to the Po-
litical Committee of
the Reform Club. -
It may be as well to
state here that Sir
William Harcourt's
extended experience
upon another, if con-
siderably less im-
portant, journal
should have pre-
vented his exhibiting
anything liketemper
because the intelli-
gence supplied by
him was not always
considered suffi-
ciently trustworthy
for publication under
such authoritative
auspices as ours. =
While Mr. Glad-
stone and Mr.
Whalley should
know by this time
that we never inter-
fere upon matters of
dogmatic teaching,
and never wish to
trouble either our-
selves or our readers
about cracked pots
or other articles of
bigotry and its ac-
companying virtue.
= Mr. Lowe's wit,
though of the most
caustic, generally
requires a little
toning down, and
though very thank-
ful to him for his
timely hints, the
credit of dressing the
matter up in its now
celebrated form rests
with the Editor of
Dots and Lines, who
would have much
more to say were
it not that already
space has run out
and left him unable
to make even his
usual weekly com-

Open Confession.
.AN Imperial museum for India is talked about. It is to be built on
the Victoria Embankment. The fathers of the scheme are more
candid than the authors of the other Imnerial EP.Thihit.rnn iv iiA

Webb Yarn.
CAPTAIN WEBB has announced his intention to swim from the North
of Scotland to Ireland. We fear that since his recent success he has
la-e i. i

., .u mu that enabled him to accomplish it It is a bad
also "for India." They do acknowledge that is intended for he begins "puffing" so long before he starts.
England in spite of its title.

Vers de SocietY. Bias and Sell us.
VeAid, t ovent Gar d e o THE correspondent of a weekly newspaper complains of the bias so
Thda, at Covent Garden, has been a comparative success only. frequently shown by country J.P.'s. How can we wonder that so
That it might have been verse is the verdict of Verdi SociWt6. much so-called justice is biassed when it is administered biasses?


JuLY 6, 1876.]


Ax Ovan-THs-WArTE DxAMA.
SCINa 1: A villa on the banks of the New iveer. EARL TOXICOL
asleep on sofa. LADY LucxIA= ToxxcoL watAhes his slumbers. He
mutters in hi sleep.
EAn (asleep). Alh, she must never know, wouldd slay her dead
And scorch her beauty with its hicy sting!
I'll bear my secret yet a little longer. (Calls.)
Me-e-a-t. Fine me-e-at. Oh, fair and fond Lucrece,
Thou think'st I am a hearl, because at heve
I sit me down with coronet on brow,
To dine and lunch, and wear kid gloves in bed.
LAY T. Oh, racking doubts that flash across my brain!
An explanation now I will demand.
(Strikes him po the nose with roller skate.)
Awake, my liege! I Thy lady bids thee wake
EAnL (starts up and yawns, and leaps upon his feet).
Who calls thus roughly on a noble harl,
Disturbing slumber with a sudden blow F
'Ang all my minions e9a the houtwaxd wall
And call me eenstables with rattle loud.
LADY T. 'Twas I, my liege, who lightly flipped thy nose.
EARL. 'Twas thou, Lucrece, 'twas that fair gentle 'and
As wounded me upon the nasal nose I
LADY T. I woke my liege because he muttered words
Of weird intent, and ever in his sleep
Did speak of "meat and of a wife deceived.
(The ETnn starts back, his face a ghastly green.)
Called meat" in tones so strange that through my veins
Sanguineous blood coursed upwards to my head
And dyed my face a red incarnadine.
My liege, I here demand what meant these words ?
(The EAnn sighs thrice, then clasps her to his heart.)
EARL. My sweet Luerece the trath must now be told-
I ham no hearl! My coronet is gilt.
When first I saw thee in thy father'sshop
I knew by thy himperious mouth and heye
Thou'd'st wed no mortal lower than a lord.
I loved thee, gurl! and yet, oh my Lucrece,
Bear with me while my guilty plot's revealed.
Though rich, I was by trade a catameat-man,
Supplying passes in the Old Kent-road'
And henvirons adjacent.
LADY T. False'knave, avaunt !
And wasn't for this I spurned the handsome Jones-
A sporting gent who kept a public-house ?
A catsmeat-man! Oh, faugh! Go to. Go to.
(Aside.) I'll be thy widow e'er the night is spent.
(Sweep, from the room with sorn upon her brow. 2The EAsF sighs twice,
then with emotion racked, bows low his head andfaints upon the floor.)
Scmn 2: 7wThe sime night. fIhe EAuL is stilt uneanseious. LADY T.
stands over and pours contents'of a goblet down his throat.
'Tis done, the subtle poison works! He writhes!
I filled the cup at yonder sparkling stream.
Oh, had fierce Borgia, e'er.such chance as this ?
A stream of poison flowing at her gates,!
Ah, deadlier far than Cleopatra's Asp
Is London water in a woman's grasp.
(The unn.sighs ones, then ope a bloodshot eye. Ife sees the cup: his
wife's vindictive look.) :
EARL. Ah, fiend, thou wouldst l[say what was in that cup ?
LAD T. Cold water.
EAR Ah, I die!
LADY T. I' faith, thou dost.
EARL. The deadliest poison known. Oh 'elp, here-'elp!
(He rises to his feet, sighs twice, and dies.)
ScEmN 3: Th same. The inquest. LADY T. and Coroner's Jury at
dinner itnthe drawing-room. ConoNxm serving the salmon.
LADY T. Se kind of you, really, Mr. Coroner, to combine business
with pleasure. It's a disagreeable thing to have in one's house, and
it's aa well to get through it as pleasantly as possible.
ConoNn.. My dear Lady T., I abhor formality. I think the idea
of dining over an inquest is superb, and does you infinite credit. A
little cucumber ?
LADx T. You won't want to analyse the water ?
CoRoNan. No, certainly not. The properties of London water are
known. But I'll trouble you for a little more salmon. Thanks!
FzEsT JvauxnA. I hope we shan't want to see the-ah, you know
-beeause it might disagree with me just after dinner.

LADY T. Oh,] Coroner, don't let the dear Jurymen make them-
selves ill. 'ifrr "-.*
CoRONEB. Certainly not. No necessity for that. Mr. Foreman,
the wine stops at your corner.
SECOND JURYMAN. P'r'aps if we was to give the verdict afore the
next course comes on it 'ud be as well, 'cos then it 'ud be off our minds.
CORONER. A good idea. Inadvertently drinking some water," of
FOREMAN. Certainly. After you with the champagne, sir.
CoRONm. Then I'll just write you out a certificate at onee, my
dear lady. (Writes.) There you are, and now we can finish this
excellent dinner in peace.
LADY T. Thanks! You are a duck of a Coroner. John (tpfoot.
man), the next course, and some more champagne.
FIRST JuaYMAN. John, what is the next course afore the salmon
SJoHN. Lamb and grass.
Fias Jvman. = ab d, se !regal I wish there, was a
inquest every day, don't you, Oroenem ?
ConoNEa. I do. But people aw gatiag so deucedly inquisitive
nowadays that they qite ignore p4ratagie= and sorrow.
(.Bter Jonx with lask, ~apwP W, a d champagne.)

THEaE's Time at the dor--e iA ap"ng again
To rouse me from slumb'a f*scisat state.
All right, Mr. Timpl-dpn't. begin t explain
I know, Mr. Time; it a qart tot eight.
Don't beg me to rise, Mr. Thie; iWa bore-.
Confound it--Iye risen enoft b obw !
I'm up to the plans you have made for the day-
I know very well what you'll give, a to do;
I'm not to be duped by your e earyiAg way,
You droney deprepasng old lkreeW, yoe?
I'm snugly in bed, and in bed I shall keep-
You hear, Mr. Time ?-and I'm going to sleep!
I've fath~eag your plans for a dozen decades,
I know to the letter what's going to be:
I've dreamed of the whole, in the region of shades:
For dreamland despises your sway, Mr. T.
As the whole of your scheme of my destiny's known
I shall leave you to work the fulfilment alone.
I find I'm to wrestle with Fortune for bread,
But fighting with Fortune's a wearisome game:
I'll leave you to wrestle with Fortune instead,
In no way forbidding your using my name;
Starvahion, you'll find, is an excellent spur:
Don't bother to wake me, whatever occur.
Then, after a season, from what I can make
Of the dream, it would certainly seem to transpire
That I have to be lagged," by a little mistake-
Now, you will be lovely in prison attire!
Don't trouble to wake me-I'll trust to your care
For properly carrying. out the affair.
I shall, as I find-by a malice profound
Which characterises the acts of the Fates-
Be partially poisoned and partially drown'd,
And suffer a series of similar straits I
Permit me to slumber the whole of it through;
Pray manage the matter-I'll leave it to you.
Then (Fortune bewitchingly deigning to make
An end to these troublesome worries and cares)
I faintly discover beginning to break
The dawn of a pleasanter state of affairs.
Men praise my productions: oh well, let me see-
No! don't you awaken me yet, Mr. T.
Men buy my productions; a being sublime,
In Fortune's irradiant glances I bask-
By Jove! I am truly afraid, Mr. Time,
I've kept you too long at this troublesome task!
You're sick of performing my duties, I'll vow:
All right, Mr. Time; I'll attend to them now.
Men raise me a statue, imposing and grand,-
I find I must beg you to aid me again;
'vee suffered enough at your ravaging hand-
Oh, pity my monument-let it remain I
Oh, pass it respectfully by, I implore.
Good night, Mr. Ravager. Wake me no more.


[JuLT 5, 1876.

Broon (to friend in ath) :-" COME AND DINE WITH US TO-MORROW, JACK ?"

THAT the Academicians do in future be elected by the public. At
the nearest public."
That the Academicians do elect the Associates.
That the Associates do elect the Academicians.
That neither do either. And that either do neither. (This is optional.)
That a Committee of Artists not Academicians or Associates be
appointed to watch over the interests of the outsiders. And that such
Committee be sworn to consider an outsider better per so than an
Academy man of either class, and to see him hanged first.
That this Committee do be paid for its services from the Trust
Funds of Burlington House, and that each Committee-man be entitled
to the privilege of bringing in two or more friends to lunch. Beer at
all hours, and birdseye for choice.
That several lay figures be elected Academicians. Lay figures not
to be considered lay members.
That lay members be entitled to carry all their eggs in one basket
and to reckon their chickens accordingly.
That all persons eminent in the world of Art be made lay members.
That a purchasing power of not less than three figures to always
constitute eminence.
That the pictures be rehung once a month during the exhibition.
That the second judgment and hanging be vested in the hands of the
Outsiders' Committee. (Vengeance!)

WHEN Apollo, sinking westward,
Seeks his couch and says Good-bye "-
When the birds are flying nestward,
And the stars begem the sky;-
Then I stroll, with love-dreams laden,
Past a house in Russell-square,
For I know a certain maiden
Who lives there 1
When I gaze upon that dwelling
I exceedingly rejoice,
As with love my heart is swelling
For the damsel of my choice.
And I linger by the airey"
Till each bobby says Beware!"
And it's all because my fairy
Dwelleth there!
I can scarcely say her station
Is a fairy's, I'm afraid,
For she holds a situation
As a sort of kitchen-maid;
And the upper servants, snarling,
Chaff my ginger-coloured hair-
Still I go, because my darling
D welleth there!
Loving hearts are not confined to
Folks who revel in the Row;
So I'll go when I've a mind to,
For she worships me I know.
Yes, I'll put my Sunday coat on,
And I'll frequently repair
To that house-for she 1 dote on
Dwelleth there!

Against the Canons.
HERR KRUPP is reported to have received considerable
attention at the hands of the authorities of the Brussels
Life Saving Appliances Exhibition. On the principle
that he represented several great guns, we presume.

A Standard Joke Altered.
"WHo's your 'Atter?" into "Who's your City
Editor ? "

That all members of the Court of Common Council be allowed a
voice in the arrangement of future Academic affairs. (" The City has
always encouraged art.")
That art critics of tried circulation be allowed to compete f.r
lay membership. No previous knowledge required.
That the Lord Mayor for the time being be appointed Vice-Presi-
dent of the Council.
That Lord Mayor Cotton be made for life. (" He always had a
predilection for art and a fondness for artists.")
That Mr. A. J. B. Beresford Hope, M.P., be appointed Assistant-
Chaplain, with the right of saying Batavian grace."
That double the present amount of line-space be given to Acade-
micians. (As an amendment: That none of the present amount of
line-space be given to Academicians.)
That every Academician be compelled to exhibit sixteen pictures.
(As an amendment: That no Academician be allowed to exhibit
at all.)
That ten per cent. of the purchase money be added to the fund"
by all painters exhibiting portraits. (As an amendment: That the
percentages be expended in beer and birdseye.)
*** These are but a small proportion of a -very large number and
variety of suggestions received for the relief of the Academy from its
present unpopular position. They are, however, the only ones
which, in Mr. Fun's idea, breathe out a true spirit of generosity, fair
play, and knowledge of the subject.

W can bear personal testimony to its value as a tenic."-8tandard.
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- H. aseall M.D.
Prine by J.UDD & CO., PT-a. Works. St. Anrw's Hill, Doctors' Commone, and Published (for the oretor) at 80, Fleet Street, E..--Londo, rult 5, 187,

JULY 12, 1876.]


RING the bell, the curtain rises,
In the East the scene is set,
Half the play will be surprises
(At the wings the "pro's are met).
Hark! the voice of Europe's calling
For the actors yet to come;
In their places supers falling
Answer to the rolling drum.
Lift the curtain-slow and steady-
"England! England! are you ready ? "
How the short first act progresses-
Milan's had his little say :
Supers don your Russian dresses
Wanted early in the play.
England, England, you are needed! "
Runs the cry behind the scenes.
Shall the summons pass unheeded ?
Show these clowns what acting means.
Make your entrance-slow and steady-
England! England! are you ready f "
Can't you see the stage is waiting,
Hear the murmurs in the pit ?
Stand you there still idly prating ?
On, and make the piece a hit!
Show these empty-headed dreamers
You can act as well as talk;
Scatter all these Northern schemers,
You alone their plans can balk.
Keep your nerves and weapons steady-
England! show them you are ready.

Proof Positive.
AT Hammersmith Police-court the other day a man
was charged with being a lunatic at large. The only
proof against him was that he had been heard to say he
could provide London with a continuous supply of pure
water. Small as this may at first sight appear, it was
more than sufficient, and the maniac was at once removed
under strong guard. From which no one, and ourselves
least of all, would wish to see so evidently desperate and
dangerous a fanatic released.

A Vaunted Honour.
ME. VAUGHAN is the new chief magistrate in place
of the late Sir Thomas Henry. Just the man who was

MR. JONEs is engaged in adapting for the stage his celebrated study
of A Bedpost Twinkling During the Reign of Terror," now meeting
with so much success in Penny Numbers. Mr. Smith, to whom he
has shown the Plot and part of the real Post, is sanguine of the piece's
The ddbut of Madlle. Emptyhead is at last announced. This young
lady's portraits are much in demand, though whether or not she has a
speaking part we have not as yet been informed.
Mr. Super being dissatisfied with the management of the Odonto for
refusing him a well-earned encore after his happy delivery of the
novel line, My Lord, the carriage waits! has closed' his connection
with that establishment.
The leading journal loses the valuable services of Mr. Brown, who,
for no less than nineteen years, held the honourable position of deputy-
assistant doorkeeper of the machine department. This must be a great
blow to the proprietary.
Mr. Spivins's new domestic drama, "The British Workman
Canonised; or, Down with Everyone who Earns more than a Pound a
Week," received with so much enthusiasm the night before last, and
pronounced by the press and the public a triumphant success, is to be
withdrawn to-morrow.
Mr. Tracy Tupman, the dramatic censor of the Fulsome Fish-
fag," has withdrawn his name from the free-list of the Bobtail Theatre.
Onf dit that deterioration in the quality of the drinks supplied is the
real cause. The ostensible one is published in the very original
correspondence of a theatrical contemporary.
Mrs. Maloney, applewoman outside the Theatre Royal Bolero, and
mother of Madlle. Bijouterie of the Bagnio (whose diamonds were so

.Elderly Party :-" TOTTENHAM8H-CURTSH-ROGE."
SHOE ? "

noticeable in the part of a page recently), has taken up a temporary
residence in Bloomsbury Workhouse.
A round of Shakespeare's plays, each one fitted with harlequinade
finale, will shortly be played at the Fleet Street Theatre.
Mrs. Peters, the popular boxkeeper, is taking a well-earned holiday.

Laying Down the Law.
DURING the hearing of a case which involved a question of musical
copyright, his honour" the county court judge before whom it was
being tried ventured the statement that a man's name on the title
page of a book was no proof of authorship. Though inclined to go
some little way with this luminous authority, we think a title-page
test is in literature as good as a county court judgeship in law.
Though neither, it must be admitted, is of itself up to much.

Only Natural.
"FLOWER-PoT."-Under this head we find notice of marriage
between a Mr. Flower and Miss Pott. It is singular-judging by the
number of clippings which have been tent to this office-to discover
that there are lots of people who regard so natural a conjunction as
perfectly extraordinary.

Juno Why P
A NEw comet was discovered near Jupiter on the 1st of July.
Considering the date, it was near June oh! as well.

A COMMON OcouanBNCE.-The Plumstead riots.




YUN OFFICE, WeSnday, Tuly 12, 3146.
SATs John imtoAeo preparing to follow
The leadat the target his protlgd takes--
"Now this is a thing I can't manage to swallow,
Your movements are ever a caution tosnakes.
I warned you before when you tried the same game on,
And fancied the lesson you wouldn't forget;
Your conduct the world never ceased to cry ehameon,
But still it would seem you're not satisfied yet.
"You say yon ae neutral-but then your -profession
Has never been yet to your practice allied;
I know standing dlill is to you retrogression-
Your motto is 'Onward !' whatever betide.
I'll give you the truth, though to it you are a gsr-
We neither for one nor the other side care;
But should we find aught of our own is in danger,
By everything honest you'll find -we're all there!'
THE difference between the manner in which the Eastern Question
was viewed a little over a score of years ago and the apathy with
which it is regarded amw by the great majority of Englishmen should
offer a grand study to the intending or even to the experienced
politician. Then all was ardour and thirst for Russian blood. 'The
Turk was voted the only true Chmistian, and no one would have
believed the Greek Church was in any way concerned with the form
of belief as by law established in these islands. Mohammedanism -was
looked upon as a great benefaction to the world at large, and even the
Women's Righters-who it must the admitted were a comparatively
small and unimportant body then-a-idn't think polygamy half a bad
institution. Nowwe have change&all that. A reaction, the result of
a false and extremely expensive popularity, has set in, and although
we, speaking for ourselves alone, axe satisfied that the present position
of Turkey in the eyes of England is the correct one, we are by no
means sure the Turks would not be much more esteemed now if they
had not received so large a share of public favour in the days that are
gone. Yet it is not at all unlikely, despite the apathy manifest
throughout the country with regard to the present commencement of
hostilities, that England will have much cause to remember it. We
cannot lose sight of the fact that a more critical period has seldom
shown itself to Europe under the guise of a fairly general time of
tranquility. If the only way to preserve peace is to be ready for war,
then we should have a most extendedly pacific period, for it seems
that all the Powers are prepared for war to the very uttermost pre-
paration. With the exception, of course, of England, and no amount
of false logic or outside empty show can persuade thinking men that,
large as are the amounts spent, we are in anything like the condition
we should be at a quarter the expense. And this brings us to a ques.
tion somewhat apart from what precedes it, but none the less pertinent.
What is the reason every officer in the great German army is at
present under orders to study English ? We are no alarmists, but we
can vouch for the fact that wherever a German officer has a spare
half-hour there will his English hand-book be found beside him.
Germans evidently haven't forgotten the magic words, "Was fiir
plunder !"

SnR,-I have in my school some twenty poor, healthy, sturdy,
country boys, and am anxious to give them a treat. Not one of them
has ever seen the Seven Dials, tasted a halfpenny ice, or had a game
of mud pies in your famous metropolitan gutters. While there are
thousands of urchins in London who can enjoy the variety and bustle
of the Great City every day of their lives, my poor boys are confined
all the year round to monotonous green fields, clean cottages, and
fresh air. At this period of the year, when your columns are open to
the cry of the children, may I beg that you will urge your readers to
assist in such a praiseworthy object as giving them a smell of smoke.
-Your obedient servant, A Courxay SCHOOLMASTER.

Parallel Cases.
"A FINANCIAL Reform Association" is projected to prevent dis-
honest practices on the Stock Exchange. Oar sympathy is divided
between the association and the old lady who is engaged in mopping
up the ocean.
A MAN or THE TimE.-Earl de la Warr.

[JULY 12, 1876.

GENTLE, maybe lovely and ingenuous, reader, pause as you peruse
the following lines, and let the knowledge of a deep and chivalrous
sense of duty sink softly into your soul. In the time of trouble and
adversity, of sickness and of sorrow, it may be some consolation to
think how so humble a person as Jabez Junker dared and did. Per-
lhaps rather should I say dared and didn't, as it would be wrong to
lead anyone astray on so important a point. And Jabez himself would
be the last to allow it were he in the flesh. It seems indeed sad to
think that so staunch an advocate of temperance should now be in the
spirit, but it is the truth, and those who have to answer for it must
tear the blame. Nobly he withstood temptation, though exposed to it
to the last, and if they who hastily scan the following lines do not
drop the tear of generous pity, they can, instead, send stamps or post-
office order to the present writer, who will bestow it in the truest of
true charity for them.
Jabez Junker was one of those people who are said to be born bad-
and who generally are so, or worse. Early in life, however, he
determined to conquer the fate that hung over his family, and to
avoid the evils of drink, which he saw so unfortunately prevalent in
the court where the paternal mansion was situate. Jabez's father was
a burglar by profession, his brothers were in the same line, and who
can wonder that as Jabez was inducted into the mysteries of crib-crack-
ing, drum-hauling, lob-sneaking, cross-fanning, jerry-faking, and the
like incidental technicalities, that the temptation of taking a drop o'
short or a top o' reeb was strong upon him. Reeb is, I regret to say,
sinful slang, and means porter, though how it can do so no etymo-
logist has been able hitherto to discover. Gatter, pongelo, coldfour,
perkin, panurge, and such like terms I can well and willingly under-
stand as suggestive synonyms for porter, but how reeb can be made to
do it puzzles many a mightier mind than mine.
As I have said, Jabez, during his term of tuition, was much tempted
to take strong drink, but to his honour be it said, he under all cir-
cumstances steadfastly and sturdily refused. Once or twice when,
during the summer, just to vary the monotony of their existence, the
father took his family on a welching incursion round to the various
race-meetings, Jabez's devotion to the pledge he had set himself over-
masters my mind and fills my heart with joy. The hot sun struck
down upon the heads of the adventurous party, the dust rose in clouds,
the pursuit of the police was sometimes fast and furious: the demand
for drink on the part of Jabez's colleagues was, under all these con-
ditions, painfully manifest. But whether laying long prices out-
siders, bunking across to the nearest cover, or bonneting a helpless
claimant for coin, Jabez was ever the same venerator of a conscientious,
if self-imposed, task. A little cold tea in a tin can sufficed him dur-
ing the labours of the day, and a bottle of ginger beer or a glass of
sherbet and water was his only luxury when evening found his father
and brothers calling on the landlord of the Welchers' Arms to fill the
flowing bowl until it did run over, and in various other ways acquaint-
ing the world that to-night they would jolly be, and that to-morrow
should see them ready to die or anything rather than be sober. Think,
my friends, of the temptation thus imposed on Jabez-think how noble
was the fortitude which enabled him to make so great, so glorious a
Time wore on, as time will wear with all the world, drunkards and
teetotalers alike, and in course of time Jabez became a man, and
received the freedom of the burglarious business. Other burglars who
had early given themselves up to drink, at first strongly resented the
abstemiousness of Jabez, but gradually they began to respect him and
his motive, especially when they discovered how much more useful his
cool head, refreshed with cold tea or strengthened by ginger beer, made
him. Many a time when the best-laid plans would have gone wrong
and the swag have been lost, and possibly some of the burglars might
have been captured by the police-(remote as this latter chance may
seem, it might have been)-the temperate brain and teetotal ingenuity
of Jabez have prevented the catastrophe, and earned him a double
share of the booty. And those who think there is nothing in all this
should expose themselves to the dangers and difficulties of a cracks-
man's career, and then they would be more than ever unprepared to go
and do likewise. Let us, therefore, give honour where honour is due.
It was never more due from advocates and promoters of the great
Wilfrid Water Movement than it is to the memory of Jabez Junker.
Once in particular Jabez did such service to his co-labourers in the
vineyard of cross-purposes that his name will be ever revered, as much
by total abstainers as by the dangerous classes generally. The detach-
ment to which he belonged had singled out a promising establishment,
and had had it properly put up. When the eventful time arrived they
swooped down on it and secured all that was valuable. But, having
done this, instead of turning their thoughts to flight, all but Jabez
were tempted to the cellar, where they held a regular orgie, and were
nearly entrapped in consequence. The old lady of the house, hearing
the sound of revelry by night, stole from her bedroom with a dark
lantern in one hand and a dagger in the other. And most assuredly

J.uLY 12, 1876.]


she would have played sad havoc with the regalers had it not been
that Jabez, who sti 1 carried his cold tea, was wide awake, and, getting
behind-her unobserved, dealt one with his diminutive but effective
crowbar, which not only prevented the recipient 'doing any further
damage, but:proved highly satisfactory and-remuserative to the funeral
furmndier round'the corner. Theamgiving hi.- commies the alarm, he
seized the booty and made of;, and. all admitted that he richly
deserved the testimonial shortly- afterwads presented him with an
appropriate speech by the King of the Groassoves, who was on that
auspicious occasion specially invited to take the chair. But what
pleases me mostof all is this, that the good example set by one has
borne its fruit, andnow a large pareentage of the:burglars and buzzers
of London are members of a Band of Hope, and dfiiit pay very well
Bat ,ven the best intentions fall short sometimes, and Jabez, having
miscdlealated:the strength of his forces during's-little foray, fell into the
clutches-of theipowers that be, but notuntilafternasanguineous struggle,
during'which-many bit the dust. The episode-of the old lady went
rathearagainsthim on his trial, and though the good Sir Wilfrid and
other great friends of the temperancemovement did all that was
possible for him, a smalsouled and narrow-minded jury convicted,
and a port-wine-loving, brandy-bibbing judge blackcapped and com-
mittedihim. But even to the end his good example shed a lustre on
the cause. Though desperately tempted he consistently refused the
solace afforded by the bottle, and on the fated, morning nothing
stronger than a cup of co'd tea passed his lips before he resigned him-
self to the last sad offices of Mr. Marwood. A simple paving stone marks
the place where Jabez rests in peace, but his memory is a monument
in the minds of all who at once love truth and temperance.

Ix spite of the weather I'm stringing together
Some stanzas, undoubtedly true-
Some rhythmical reason concerning the season,
The month that's at present on view.
But verse is.a difficult matter to try,
Especially now in the month of July !
The month is a fine one if Fortune assign one
Anincome and nothing to do.
'Tis pleasant to wander through meadows and ponder
On Naturds bright emerald hue;
Moreover, its "jolly" at noonday to lie
In the garden, and smoke, in the month of July.
One's filled-with a loathing at donning one's clothing-
I'm sure folks could manage with less.
AM fashions but fret me,-if custom would let me
I wouldn't be troubled with dress!
For clothes (though they're excellent things, by-the-bye,)
Are scarcely a...mBs non in July !
July habits pleasures-with flowery treasures
The fields are all gaily bestrewn,
But still there is matter that threatens to scatter
One's dreams of delight pretty soon.
The Dog-days are drawing unpleasantly nigh-
St. Swithin turns up-in the month of July!
Be advised by the poet, and hasten to go it "-
Be off where the rivulets gush;
Be lazy and jolly, for work is a folly
Now summer's come in with a rush.
And Labour's a demon we all should defy
Whenever its warm-and it is in July!

"Peace hath her Victories."
n Americanpapers contain accounts of a duel between two cattle-
dealern.at-Ooleado, whichresulted in one of the combatants being shot
though the heart wita- "Colt's improved revolver." Too much praise
cannot be bestowed on the srvivor for the kind manner in which he
assisted to cary the body of his antagonist to convenient shelter.
The.moibprobable result of the encounter, so far as we can discover,
willibe a depreciation of the demand for "improved Winchester
rifilseas a-ed by the man who came off second best, and a decided run
on themet of weapon preferred by the winner. Friends at a distance
had please better secure before the sudden rise sure to be consequent
on the p licatien at this item of information anent Centennial
rejoicing and univerealAmerican brotherly love.

A MAN oF Nors.-A Musician.

THB House met at twernty minutes past four. Much amusement
was created by the entrance of Mr. Strangers in a yellow waistcoat.
A gentleman in the Reporters' Gallery immediately commenced to
throw mud at it, but was stopped by the entrance of one of his pro-
prietors. The Speaker having taken the chair, several honourable
members who had been drafting prospectuses for new companies
jumped up to get his eye.
Mr. GNmx. I rise to ask the Prime Minister if we are going to join
the present conflict in the East, how many men we have ready for
active service, and by whatronte.-it is proposed to dispatch them; and
if he would have any objection to let me know all about everything,
as I am not very well, and I can't sleep of a.night for thinking about
Russian atrocities and expecting-to wake up in the morning and find a
Russian or a Monteniggerunder my bed ? Andif he would also tell
me if the price of cigarettes is likely-.
The SPBAK"R. The-hon. gentleman isout of.order.
Mr. GiNx. Oh yes, I know, but it's, very important, because I pro-
mised my wife- (Chuckles.)
An HON. MasBna. I say, Mr. Speaker, you musn't allow this sort
of thing, you know. (Team..)
The Sr~asna. No, I won't. (Weeping.) It's very wrong of the
hon. member after I've told him not'to do it. He'll break my heart,
he will. (Hysterics.)
Mr. GINx. All right. I'm going to conclude with a motion. I
see it stated in the public prints that a Russian leather bag had been
seen in a shop in Regent-street, and [ think the time has now come
when the Government should explain why the Duke of Edinburgh
was ordered out of England for three years by the Czar, because the
Duchess said if her papa's troops hurt him when they got to London
she should never be able to get anybody else to play the baby to sleep
with the fiddle so nicely again. (Hums.)
The M-ARais or HALFHARTINGTON roseto order. It was unseemly
that at such an important juncture anyone but himself should worry
the Government. Besides, he had a lot of questions to ask himself,
and he wasn t going to see his friends the Conservatives badgered by
a lot of unruly Liberals -while he was there to protect them. He
appealed to the Speaker. (Winks.)
The SPEAKE This is most distressing. Everybody is out of
order, and-. (Nods and beoks and wreathed smiles)
Mr. Da MosES was about to reply to everybody, when Dr.
Mobealy rose and asked if, considering the dangerous aspect of affairs,
the unhappy nobleman might be allowed the use of a sword and
gun, and be liberated to die for his country. (Sneezes.)
The SFRAKEi. According to the rules of this House no one is
allowed to wander from the point at issue except members of Her
Majesty's Government. If the hon. member for Smoke disturbs the
House again I shall-.
&VRnar. MEMBnas. What?
The-SPrAKER. Appeal to his courtesy to desist. (Derisive ohenr-)
Mr. Da MoSEs. I must appeal to the House to hear me calmly.
(Yells, cheers, groans, and laughter.) I am in possession of important
information on the Eastern Question (cheers), but I intend to keep it
to myself. (Oh oh!) I have several important documents to lay
before the House (cheers), but I cannot do so without the consent of
the writers, and I can t make out their signatures. (Laughter.) The
country must have confidence in us. (A voice.: "No confidence
dodge here !") Some of the questions asked in the House to-night are
ridiculous. I pass them over with contempt.
Mr. STRANGERS (who rose in a violent passion). He must be
excused for interrupting the Premier, but would the present be a con-
venient time to bring on his motion about reporters in the House.
There was a man in the Reporters' Gallery making faces at him now,
and calling attention to his yellow waistcoat. He would not stand
it. (Libels.)
Mr. D Mosms appealed to the Speaker for protection.
Mr. BiosGr begged to move that Mr. Strangers be requested to
take off his waistcoat as it very much annoyed the Reporters' Gallery,
and so unsentled them that they never reported his (Mr. Biggest's)
speeches in fall. (Groans )
The SpsAsme Oh please, gentlemen, do be good! These-constant
interruptions are most unseemly. Mr. De Moses is in possession of
the House.
Mr. Ds Moses. I have nothing more to say. Affairs are very
serious at present there is no doubt, but it would be most injudicious
for Her Majesty's Government to say what course they intend to
pursue. (Smiles). In fact, if the hon. gentlemen sitting in the gang-
way press me for an answer I must say that we don't know ourselves.
(Loud smiles.)
The House then went into committee on the Rag, Bone, and-.Bottle
Shop Licensing (Ireland) Act, and adjourned at twenty minutes
past one.


[JTLY 12, 1876.

Jl!If ~~~I&~ Rim I f. .

" Want to look at a few diamond rings and things ? Oh, all right-you'll find 'em in window."
y \ /? .y

"All serene-bother the tickets I-put 'em down somewhere-rIl trust yer all."

"Oh, there I Confound the thing; I won't pick it up."

"O-o-oh! Isayl What's to be done le corks aren't drawn a

I FUJ N.-JuLY 12, 1876.



~M A4~, -'
A -


ALL."-( Winks, and sights his r'fle.)

Ix -=^


I i, L

JuLr 12, 1876.] FUN. 21

TOO SOON. ----

I'm sitting by the riveilsfidik-
The river Rhine I em;g
At intervals I take a drink,
And murmur, What a scene! "
With Bingen, Bonn,~and Rolandseck
XMy fancyts leen stt1 fleU,
lut now oftfihese EfIBttewe*h--
aI'm suddenly recalled.
MhSe*iteamer stafiing fromi eopier
'Tolbreadt the turdy stream
.Arouses me to 'hat is eere-
A'wakes, me inm ,syD neam:
Awakes are to a prospect isad
/By wifidh nyheart's sppaled,
For just as I warfgettingglad
I'm suddenly recalled.
Of Lurley and the Drachenfels,
'COoblenz, Neuwies, i0ologae,
I'd take a lot of fresh farewels
'Were time bdit wuow my vwn.
Dear Iiver Rhine, we more l[il see
The crags wih which yowi'e walled:
All holidays are gone for me-
I'm suddenly recalled.
No more for me's the"' l" boat,
No more the slowerura;;
No more the midday b .lV 4%ote
Or private mneal abt.
No more I'll hear the tonridt cad
Make puny jests andlbtAl.
(Which leaves me judt saaltfle glad
I'm suddenly recalled.)
~O London! haunt of lamynen,
To -whom tI hurry arew,
I'll get mytr orble o'er, ana~tmn
I'll register a vow:
In London will I live and die,
For there once safe installed,
There's little chance to raise the cry-
I'm suddenly recalled.

Combination Extraordinary.
A MRS. OnoCAnD, of Bucks, is reported as having
just given birth to three children. A fruitful Orchard
and Bucks-some woman as well. Still, an Orchard is
hardly the place for a surplusage of olive branches.

Bev. Mr. Spooner (tenderly, to Eligible Widow) :-" How BEAUTIFULLY

SELECT Commission on Oyster Fisheries concludes the taking of
evidence and adjourns. Till the commencement of the oyster season,
to try the light of practical experience, and chili vinegar. = Arrival
of Hon. E. Pierrepoint, United States Minister. He became Minister
as soon as ever he reached the English Pierrepoint. Strange, but
true. = New baths for Rugby School. This institution will now,
unlike several kindred establishments, be able to do its dirty washing
at home. = Thunderer ordered to join the Mediterranean Fleet.
Nevertheless, publication will still go on in Printing House-square. =
Recent Scottish fete near London said to be remarkable for the
quantity of its bagpipe playing. Thisnotion strikes us as being more
remarkable than the remarkable quantity of the bagpipe playing. =
Head-master of a public school, named Close, sentenced to twelve
months' with hard." Hard and Close application: a Close time
lasting all the year round. = Dr. Playfair lectures on our know-
ledge of air from 640 B c. down to the present time." This may be
all very well for Dr. Playfair, but we personally haven't known it
nearly solong. It long. It looks as though the Dr. were airing his experience.
Mr. Arch is not in favour of "war-work." Certainly not. Piece
work is a good deal more in the line of self and followers. = Ayrshire
engineer discovers how to use compressed air as motive power for
tramway cars. This may be very well in Ayr, with homoeopathic
inducement, but it won't do in London, where compressed atmosphere
would be most useful split up into tram rails. n Mr. Tolley, of Wal-
sall, repoi, ts that he has struck oil in a North Staffordshire coal seam.
In these days it is singular to hear of a strike so likely to benefit both
capital and labour. So we rejoice accord i'gly. = Byron's statue to
be in bronze. Quite right. His other and muro important memorial
is already inscribed in marble. = President Grant contemplates a
tour of the world." We should like to see him doing it. As a corn-

panion to "Napoleon at Elba." (We have been at this moment
informed that if General Grant does go round the world, his aitty
days are to be spent during the Verneal Equinox at Chiswick.)
King of the Belgians about to put himself at the head of a union of
nations." Thus the irony of fate. He will become a Bumble upon a
national scale. = Tract distributor found knocking at doors and open-
ing shutters at three in the morning. Was there no way at hand of
making him "make tracts" as well as distribute them ? Steady
progress of Mr. Cross's Prisons Bill. Seems to be rather too much
of a crux for the most Conservative of county magistrates. Still, they
must "carry their Cross" as well as other people. = Journeyman
barber discovered to be heir to 350,000. This for the other man
who expected the money was a regular barber blew," and blue
enough he looked over it.

A Really Great Traveller.
The soi-disant "largest daily" contains a curious advertisement
addressed to "Mary." Among other information of a rollicking kind
published in it is this:-" I go abroad for a few weeks on 3d." The
Standard has within the past few months shown in a somewhat novel
light as regards both humour and money, but the most able of its
contributors and financiers, even when combined, are as nothing before
an unknown and mysterious advertiser. Thus true greatness will
ever assert itself, though it has to pay five shillings an insertion.

Pacit Per Se.
A GENTLEMAN writing on the subject of dog poisoning states that
" all who wish to preserve their pets should at once use muzzles." A
course of procedure we shouldn't mind seeing adopted by some people
we know without any reference to pets, whether canine or temperiaL


[JULY 12, 1876.

'Orty Tourist, with highglass," has asked Old Lady in a peremptory manner for the Miner's Bridge, and she' has replied very positively," Dim
hassenach" (no English). To her jolly tourist, who "c roses her hand":-"I WANT TO SEE THE MINBR'S BIDGEo, OLD GAL; I CAN'T SPEAK

APROPOS of the review in Hyde Park, the Duke of Cambridge has
issued a general order in which everybody is patted on the back, from
the English volunteers down to the Sachsen gentlemen in command
of them. Passing from military to civil matters, His Royal Highness
sheds figurative tears of joy over the good behaviour of the crowd,
and breaks off at a moment when we were anxiously expecting to
find a compliment paid to the weather, the ice-barrow men, and the
crossing-sweeper opposite the park gates. We are in a position to
state that the conclusion of the Commander-in-Chief's general order
was crowded out of the daily papers by telegrams from the Servian
frontier, and we therefore hasten to place the excised paragraph before
our readers:-
In conclusion, though not coming within the usual province of a
general military order, His Royal Highness the Duke of Cambridge
cannot on this occasion withhold his testimony to the admirable manner
in which the refreshments were supplied by Messrs. Thingumbob and
Co., the lovely appearance of the ladies' toilettes, and the exquisite
politeness with which Lady Springchicken's poodle refrained from
barking at the heels of His Royal Highness's charger, thus displaying
that national spirit and love of order of which the nation may be so
justly proud. RICHARD LIGHT AND AIREY, Adjutant-General.

A Sneaking Fondness.
THE young gentlemen of Leamington College have rushed into
print to inform the world that their head-master loves them so much
and is so kind to them that he has flogged a certain Master Jackson
so severely as to become a matter of public comment. After ex-
pressing their unanimous delight at Jackson's suffering and shame,
they commence to pull Jackson pbre to pieces for daring to take any
notice of the matter; and conclude by expressing the regret with
which they read the remarks upon the case in the daily papers.
What a nice school it must be where boys are allowed to read the
daily papers! We wonder how they liked the poetic extracts in the
Buchanan-Swinburne-Taylor case.

A SCHOLAR of old was accustomed to say
(And people believe in him yet),
He'd move this old universe out of the way,
If he but a standpoint" could get!
This vast proposition he never could prove,
Because it is perfectly plain
The standpoint" to render him able to move
Was what he could never obtain!
Now this is exactly the troublesome state
In which my existence I find;
I want to do something unheard-of and great,
To move and astonish mankind!
Had I but a chance!-in the House"-at the'Bar-
In Science-in Learning-in Art I
But the requisite standpoints unluckily are
Still wanting to give me the start!
Would managers bring out my plays on the stage-
Would editors publish my rhymes-
I feel my productions would soon be the rage,"
And have an effect on the times I
These wild aspirations will lead to no good,
And so the most sensible plan
Will be, as I cannot do all that I would,
To do just the little I can!

A Deck Oration.
THE Times informs us that the steamer which conveyed Sir Salar
Jung up the river was decorated." And yet Sir Benjamin Phillips
has to lock himself in a lumber room when he wants to wear his
orders. What will Ze Figaro say of English eccentricity on this

F 1UN. -

JiLY 12, 1876.]



(By Ouin IxAoneATirz RBVIEWB.)
Wa have been favoured with a copy of-ralecture deliveredithe-other.
day by Professor Faker, IKT.F., to accrowded-and enthusiastic qudi-
ence of housebreakers, garotters, &o., &c. This doumnent, which is
marked throughout by a subtlety of reasoning and a oalm moderation
impossible to .admire too highly, appears-to place the harassed ques-
tion of the Prisons Bill in an entirely-new light.
Why," asks the Professor, with much point-"-why, during, the
whole course-of deliberations as to the authorities inmwhom it is fittest
that the management of our prisons should be vested&-why, I say, have
we continued persistently to ignore that one class which must, above
all others, feel a true and undying interest in the- subject ? Our
Magistrates may be good, men, our Judges may, le sagacious and
painstaking persons, our Home Secretary may have- studied the topic
from his cradle-but I ask, can our Magistrates, canour Judges, can
our Home Secretary-can, in short,, any outsider fA&l thesame all.
absorbing interest-the samezealouspride-inithe reglaktionoufprisons-
as our convicts can ? This, this then, is thedolass to whom weoshould
look in our present difficulties-this is the-class (at once the- most
conversant with the subject, and the most interested in it) to whom
we should say, Regulate our prisons as your instincts guide you-
we leave the thing in your hands; it is your natural privilege and
duty. Bless you I Yes, let us leave the management of our prisons
to their natural inmates, and this knotty subject will unravel itself
instantly!" After this appeal, which is certainly marked by the
presence of an idea as brilliant as it is profoundly original, the
Professor proceeds to set before the thinking world the details of his
scheme for the regulation of penal establishments; and here we can-
not but be struck with the deep thinking-out of the problem to its
minutest points: Let a committee either be appointed-(we quote
from the document before us)-in every prison by the votes of the ma-
jority of inmates, or be composed of those whom numerous convictions
would entitle to seniority; let this committee take the entire control
of the establishment, the present governor and warders being respec-
tively transferred to the offices of hall-porter and valets; let the
present limitation as to liberty of action be done away with, freedom
being the only safeguard of all British institutions, and we shall hear
no more about the difficulties attending the control of our prisons! "
The masterly way in which the subject is treated from beginning to
end certainly stamps Professor Faker as one of the weightiest thinkers
of our day. *
We are interested to find that Professor Faker's opinions have been
boldly challenged by Dr. Skulker, of Whitechapel, in a clever little
pamphlet entitled Quods and Queries."
Dr. Skulker is in favour of the total abolition of gaols of every kind;
he indeed considers them as obstacles to the welfare of the country,
and frequently alludes to them in terms of unqualified opprobrium.
He freely criticises Professor Faker's scheme for making the prison
a species of club-house supported by the country, fearlessly-advocating
the sweeping away of prison life in its entirety. If we must have
gaols," he concludes, "let them be used as barracks for the police.
His plan might prove of much service in the case of the mania for
officialism becoming unbearable in this country, for the matter could
be settled by instantly turning the key upon the myrmidons of the
law, and a long-suffering populace released from tyranny at one
stroke." Dr. Skulker's pamphlet is most exhaustive.

A crowded and excited meeting of the Grand United Lovers of
Sensational Literature was held the other day to protest indignantly

against the conduct of the Courts of Law in adjourning interesting
and absorbing cases at the most thrilling points. Mrs. Gusher, who
occupied the chair, delivered a lengthy and animated oration, in which
she denounced:the system of adjournments as an infamous- and un-
scrupulous plan for securing interest in the next sitting; by stimulating
curiosity to an.unnaturaLpito;. and calculated, by failing to satisfy
tha&curi ity,to. keenthe'-mindiat-anstrain which could not be other-
wise thaminjurio s" "'Ehia'"to-be-continued-in-our-next' plan (she
-went.on), hardly:justifiable in.odinary sensational fiction, was strongly
ito be condemnedwhenipractisediinis august an institution as a court
'of- law. cheerss.)
'"When-, Judg~inew thatethbfreathless interest of panting thou-
sands hungon thema iealar murder or divorce case which they were
trying,-that-.thesmallesti bit oftthrilling horror or of spicy scandal
waatotlioseithousands.aM: life itseU-they had no right to adjourn
atiall oniany account. They ought-to sit, day and night until the
'feverisihinterestiof-thazeaders was satisfied by. the final tableau! The
Judgm hotitoloheashamed of themselves!" (Prolonged cheering.)
rE -ee e .s#.in.addressing the meeting, remarked that his mind
ha&dionbeea ly' thrown offjits balance bythba sudden adjourn-
ment .offeavTerspirited divorce-case. Imftat, thalady had just called
down vengeance upon the connsel, while the usher was bathed in a
flood: ofitearar. when the court! suddenly, rose. The sudden check,
!aetir' upon ,the- overwrongitr interest of the speaker, had seriously
afieat ldhis health. (Criesof "Dear, dear!' how dreadful!") He had
appeal din-vain to the Judge to hurry the.case-on-had even written
to the defending counsel to ask for. further enlightenment. Would it
be credited!-they had taken not the sligitteti notice.of. his applica-
tionsm andiwhen, subsequently, the case wauimentioned in the papers
*onca-more.it had actually beesnpriva*dy setN-.'.! A. more disgraceful
way of: tampering.with the interemtiof, thl-peaele he couldn't imagine
-it must be put down!;' (Cheers, aadtariea,oftcommiseration.)
The next speaker; Tommy Loiter, amerrandtboy, said, he ventured
to say a few worda.on, the subject beoauseher felt that'no one. qould
better appreciate theApain of auddenoemsatiomta strained'interasethan
'im. It was sufflieently-harrowing4tohbe brought up weekly.by sudden
jerks inmthe "BaldFaced Forger.; or ,the Blood-stained. Stockbroker
'ofthe Samdiick islands," and Blue-TailediBh,,the Blood-Bibber."
iHoawmuchmore fatal was it to happiness, iff not to actual existence,
:tobeountiUoff suddenly initheveryzmidest of a trial for murder-(at the
momenkmihen they were about to produce the knife !)-as he had been
butatwo days ago. Let the Old Bailey look after itself, for such un-
feeling trickery couldn't last-so it couldn't !
Mrs. Skandalgorger related an affecting tale of a young lady who,
utterly broken down by the prolonged adjournment of a breach-of-
promise case, full of love-letters, had wandered widely from home one
day, married a greengrocer, and never smiled again. (Sobs.) She
also told about a Church of England minister, of the strictest princi-
ples, who grew so disgusted at the delay in concluding a tombstone
case that he went quite mad, buried a Dissenter without one insult,
behaved like a Christian for nearly a week, and then disappeared alto-
gether. (Renewed sobs.)
Other persons having addressed the meeting to the same effect, it
was unanimously decided that some step must be taken with a view to
the abolition of the subject in consideration, and the following resolu-
tion was unanimously passed:-That this meeting is of opinion that
the present system of adjourning interesting cases is inimical to the
happiness and health of large section of the community; that rate-
payers, in supporting the courts of justice, stand virtually in the
position of subscribers to a journal; and that, in short, they (so to speak)
require each story to be finished in one single number, without ad-
journments, postponement, or any other causes of objectionable sus-
Copies of the Police News having been distributed, the meeting
adjourned quietly.

"De mortuis -."
A LIVERPOOL daily informs its wondering circle of readers that an
Edinburgh butcher, "named Dunn, has been fined 20 for having
639 lbs. of deceased beef in his possession." If the butcher was Dunn,
the paper which would have its little joke was not. But still deceased
is rather a queer title to apply to meat which has just previously
been described as all alive."

First-Class Reasoning,
A DAILY paper, speaking of a late lamentable railway accident,
says that "the first-class carriages placed in the centre of the train
were literally empty, and it is understood no passenger by them was
injured." This is evidently not intended to be read as it is written-

FATHan HYAcINTsB has left London for Geneva. Thereby he
shows his Swissdom.


(JuvT 12, 1876.


WArNTE an efficient able-bodied porter who can pack sixty-five
persons into a compartment intended for ten. Apply at any of the
London local railway offices.
Wanted, for the Navy, three or four gentlemen who understand
Saxon and the management of vessels to teach the principal officers
English and seamanship.
Wanted a first-class Minister to replace an official who has under-
mined his constitution and generally injured himself in a tramway
Wanted a dramatist who can write an original play which will
run over a fortnight. Apply instantly, at any of the West-end
Wanted for the Daily Press, a gentleman with a talent for in-
venting battles on the shortest possible notice. He will have earte
blanche in killed and wounded and the use of accurate maps and
dictionaries. Address Servia," Shoe-lane Shop, Fleet-street.
Wanted a vocalist who will sing good new songs at concerts
without a fee from the publisher, and who will refuse trade offers to
shriek twaddle into notoriety.
Wanted immediately, an attendant to take charge of an old gentle-
man who has a mania for injuring himself with a pen. Address John
Clavigera, Cautwood. oi:.
Wanted immediately, a selection from the poems of Swinburne,

Whitman, and Buchanan. Those recently quoted in the "family
dailies" preferred. Address, Solicitor, R. S. S. V.
II n'a pas Raisin.
ON being charged with stealing sixteen ounces of raisins from the
London Docks, an elderly respectable-looking man stated, in miti-
gation, that he only took them to eat. Had he said he took them to
bestow in charity, to place to his credit at the savings bank, or to sole
his boots with, this "elderly respectable-looking man" might
have saved himself from the two months' hard labour which the
obvious untruth of his line of defence brought upon him from a
logical, if even the least bit severe, police-magistrate. As the usher
said on removing prisoner to the cells, the raisin d'eater of his defence
was wrong.
Rights and Writers.
PARIs Red-hots are moping because the Government is determined
to snuff out Rochefort's journal, Les Droits de l'Romme. What
illogical folks to expect the rights of man to be left alone.
Now Ready, the Thirtieth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Beading Cases, Is. 6d. each.

seriea of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer or a ixpenny Assorted Saple Box andO A EE N
select the pattern best suited to your hand. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
_______ CAUTION.--V Ceo.. thickene in t cup it prwe the additi of tarerh.

AI.lc it '

PalU ~ e
F 0s-upidt h

1~5*UL D -

Printed by JUDD & CO., Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doetora' Commons, and Pubished (for the Proprietor) at 8

D, Fleet Street, B.C.--Londo, July 12, 187.


1 ,



THE magazines are a very uneven lot this month. Some are
exceptionally good, while others are quite the reverse. Not that this
is at all uncommon, except for the fact that there seems to be more
than the usual quantity of articles written to please the writers-at all
times a bad sign for the readers. Afacmillan is an excellent number
so far as prose goes, the title of a poem, The House Beautiful," being
the only beautiful thing about it. "How I Went to the Lev6e is an
admirable piece of satire upon a too effusively loyal section of the
middle-class community. Dull Sermons" is lively enough reading,
and some thanks are due to Mr. Matthew Arnold for his remarks on
the Burials Bill. These and other articles, with the one good novel
.Mcmillan is satisfied to publish at a time, make up a specimen
shillingsworth. The Gentleman's is rather a flabby number, if we
except Mr. M'Carthey's pretty new way of telling a pretty old story.
One of the contributions reminds us forcibly of the adage that some-
thing more than poetic sympathy is necessary for the production of
poetry, while still another will show to those who did not read the
extracts in the latest literary libel how easy it is to be considered a
poet if one only happens to commence as a peer. The Table Talk "
is interesting. Improvement, we know, is in all things bound to come
slowly, but we don't see in London Society or its accompanying Holi-
day Number anything either surprisingly clever or particularly pro-
mising for the new rigone. Indeed, in magazines as in other things,
it doesn't seem nearly so easy to be a wonder now as it was between
a dozen and twenty years ago.
The American serials are, of course, more or less devoted to the
Centennial Festival. This devotion is more noticeable in Scibner's
than in any other we have seen, as in addition to one of a series of
articles on the period of the Declaration, there are special contributions
referring to present joys. The illustrations are of the kind identified
with this ably conducted miscellany. Even St. Nicbolas has a poem
written for the purpose of stirring 'up its boy and girl subscribers, as
they read how a bold ancestry threw off the Britith yo e. In how
many hundred years will United Statesmen have forgotten that ever


they were British colonists-especially as modern history is written P
" From Jaff. to Jerusalem" and How the Old Horse Won the Bet"
are the best things in the Atlantic Monthly.
Harking back to the effete old world again, we have to notice the
steady progress of .Blgravia, which, with its Holiday Number, offers
good return for investment, and seems so far to have forgotten the
padding principle. It is noticeable, though, that in the art, as well as
in the literature, the best known names of contributors do not
always mean the best work. No one can object to "In the
Country" as the title of an "Out of Town Number." Should
we be wrong, objectors had better address the editor of the
London Magzine. In Tinsley's, serials take not only the place of
honour but most of the room as well. There is little likely to dispute
possession with them on their merits, although the author of
" Maggie" is rather inclined to stray from his text, besides being some-
what oblivious of original characteristics. Even,'g Hours contains
many good things, the best of which is "July." If to sailors the
useful and the beautiful are one, the Nautical Magazine must be the
cause of much joy, despite its unpretentious appearance. The Celtic
Magazixe makes no vain pretence, and is Scotch enough for anything or
anyone. Le Pellet shoots fashion as it flies, and brings down some rare
birds. The Comet is a small quarterly of amateur profession- and
practice to match. Coburn's is by no means a bad number. By the
way, a man must possess some of the quality himself who would
nowadays indite and subsequently publish an "Ode to Valour." B'e
that as it may, both the valour and the verse have been found and
supplied by Major R C. Noake.
We have also received :-Charig Cross, dArgosy, Garderer's Magazine,
Oace-a- Week, Su.dat! at Home, Leisure Hour, Hardwik-e's Science
Gossip, JeGuwnol of Horticultuwe, Medical E.raminer, Peep-Show, Golden
Hours, Sunshine, D,,y of Reat, Pecto, il Weold, &c., &c.

A pamphlet with the timely and suggestive title, What is tfhe Wear
About ? has just been issued by Vi(kers, 317, Strand. It is from the
pen of Mr. H. R. Fox Bourno, whose name is a sufficient guarantee
that the subject is handled critically and well

JULY 19, 1876.)

26 F U N [[J3r= 19, 1876.

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 19, 1876.
Nbcw.th6e fiends of Educationi
Afredin solemn conolave#met,
A adthley're feeling desolation:
riblhe'reon1ilyjoging alowwl.
Wberethey fanciedetbey -could By,.
And'they wanrtibe poor-anbIowly
To .e learned' ere they'ale.
Tb-ey wonld'Tave the people taught
Nt to-ho.heeddidintgralton,
Nrt toi'et themselt'-s be bniuglit
While the-fiendse f Education
Win1ielieve anotterw'way
Crvy aloud. Infktuation
Husesuprerne command to-day:!"
'Aien the ffiendse of'Rdheatio -
Hauda tidy liltle tigit,
M31rx-g ratiuointik,:n
VWit-h the pproof that liatkleis white
A.hdatwheteeven' Irith'iembiers
L-4t tfie path of g'.ry plan,
They revived the fadinr. e.mbers-
And began it all again 1

I^-ittinhParliaimrent are of course alwa ya inttr-active tandt now
andcagaini prove moderately atnusing' Nbt:,thatthe'stereotyped-word
of two oyllhd itheo often irnlaiured'- into the-rorte'ofE dill'speche-g:
is to be ta kn as evidence, for, as the rEpokters are allotted-a-ceitain,
number of "brat-leted'references"'- suechbav' laughter;" "hear; hear,"
and "cheers"--and are.-expected tbnu'eltherin the course'ofa dBbate,
it is only natural that these words now-amdfagaitr find th'eir'way-into
the wrong places. But there are debates-which supply their own
merriment, and have no need of assistance from the gentlemen- in. the
gallery. Lord F. Hervey's motion the other night with reference to
coroners was not only humorous, but led to the exhibition of:-
humour. The noble lo d- seemed- to think it- very wrong, for anyone
to entertain an opinion different from his as to the due qualifications
for coroners-; and though we are inclined to go part'of the way with
him as to the time being near when seme alteration, must be made
in crowner's quest law and the appointment of crownersi we really
don't think it is for him to decide who are the only: fit people to hold-
the-office. So long as-the duties andt the limits of power are-properly
defined there can be- no particular reason-why a'medical man will not
mftke at. least as good a coroner'as: a briefless' barrister or unemployed
solicitor. It will, w-e fancy, be pretty generally admitted that quite
enough pretty pickings are at present preserved for the- benefit of
gentlemen learned in the law. Lord P. Hervey's- statement that
KJing'Alfred once hanged a judgefobr treating, a-coroner's inquest as
conclusive proved more than was wanted. Nothing' short of the
penalty now would lead- to the commission of the offence. But the
cii&owning piece- of humour among many humorousremarks-came from
sir. Secretary Cross, who is not as a-rule given to that'sort of. thing,
ay' morethan modern judges, are given to believing in"- coroners. It.
wasn't abad joke to ask-the members, during- debate called-fbrth by
corntinuons scandals, to divest'their'minds'of'all association with- recent
events; If the House is not to be- guided by evidence, what iswits- use,
gVnerally, and- what' in: this' particular, case was- the good- of in-
iro'du'ing the subject'? And further; if' Parliament men are not to
atlbw their'feelings- any play'with: regard, to coroners, why not'pass a
law abolishing all reports of coroners' inquestsr until- such time as,
c'ort'ers tlem'isvel-es'slal have' been a'holished-!

The R a3esultt of' Tr-aiiring'.
A- CINeex railway has been opened-atIast; Faney-adChinesreman-f
dariA? to travel- on it; But perhaps the celestials, are in happy
ignorance of- t he usual results of the block system. They never met
with it.

Eesbt Your- Cross.
I is 'stated that' S&r' Charl' sfDilke is called -"The Home Secretary,"
by certain memH'els of the,-Reoal Academy. He's an R.A. Cross and
they can't bear him.

Y dint of much wheedling
we have prevailed upon
our Misinformed Reporter
to set out on an attempt to
T penetrate into theowildest
regions of thea River
S Thliames, in ordbriet pick
-- C up. what infotHation he
can concerning the habits
S- otfthevarious tribes dwell-
ing in: those> troubled
y- ---^ '." parts. Equipped. with, a
-- tent and a cookinogvppa-
ratus; he; has gowet forth
into unkowim.l das with
S) a fe8ar11as devotiMa im-
possible tO oeorveestimate.
Fo-rm time wei lost-. sight
ofthimt entirely, and-were
gravely, troubled, by the
Ssupiion, that, he. must
{ have: fallen: into- the
clutches of; some- of- the
K, natives and:beoomaieatean.
SHoweve after attime-we
S f ound aw communication
flbating down the; tide in
S a- champagne bottle and
Sour uneasiness was- re-
moved. Bere:is'the.com-
munication :-
(F ma olu- MisrT"ouBM l- RBo.mTt)
B~tthumnd or Ritelhnew&: (Lower, Navigation). Af dioadfi'l
hardshipsaI.have'alt Ilst ,:managed- to p.eaetiratt-thusBfafi 1.havwebeen
wawned-off many places, and been- obrg.ed- half-a crowv f6rp camping
on others: The- difficulties encountered& by, thea-travemllein theserparts
are caused principally by the hostilities' which exist Between the
varions*tribes-ofnatives. A war has just broken out between two im-
portant tribes, the Steam-Launchers and the Bank-Fishers, and the
atrocities committed on both sides are almost too horrible to describe.
The mode of carrying on hostilities is interesting as affording a study
of the rude and primitive habits, of, the natives. Down come- the
Steam-Launchers suddenly, and throw up a great-wave which over-
turns the pots and camp-stools; and' swamps the sandwiches of the
Bank-Fishers; then the latter retaliate-with summonses (very formid-
able weapons when skilfully used) and letters to the papers. Although
their antagonists, the Launchers, appear: to be a daring and warlike
race, the Bank, Eishers- (when let. alone) are really a- very- harmless
people. Their religion, from- what I. can. glean, is- a fanatical, de-
votee ism, which-impels them to sit motionless upon- the bank of the
river until they take root. In the right hand is-held-a-sort-of mystic
rod from twelve to fifteen feet in -length, and in -the left a-sandwich.
It seems- to me that victory will ultimately rest with the- Rishersp as
they are (I believe) backed up by two other tribes, the- BoatPullers
and' the Conservators. As to the latter tribe, they are- even more
bellicose than the Launchers; and, indeed, I had a? narrow, escape-of
falling into their hands in attempting to. camp on a.lock-island.
The Boat-Pullers, though a numerous, and. powerful tribe, appear-to
have plenty of work on their- hand's for, in addition to being: at- war
with the Launchers, they are divided among themselves, an-internecine
struggle beingyperpetually in progress between the- two great sections.
-the Rowers- and the Doffers. The Dufftrs: resolutely upholdi.their
immemorial -custom of pulling all over'the-riveranyhow, andrrinmringt
into everything; while the Roweras believe; iwn the- theory, of- keeping
your own course and attending to rules. The Dufferes often do great-
execution. I have decided to enclose- this' letter'in bottle and trust
it to the mercy of'the waves, in th- hope of its-raeohing-:yo. Should
it fll.into the hands of thernatives; ILam indeed-losht

Shortly after'we-fburd tlhfollowing-'in the-same manner : -
Twiek-xum (or Ttihk',eem).--It have been engaged-for the last-day- or
two in studying the methodd of warfare inr vogue- among tha Conser-
vatorst I observe that they have cunningly placed- two stout beams
end-upwards in the middle-of'th'e river near Twicknum AtjU where-the
tide is- very fast: There are evidenrces- of much foreth'oght: in the
position of these beams, for they are so placed"' as' to be hardly
visible above, the water, and- are calculated.' to completely stave in
any boat' coming- upon them unawares. They would be, particularly
effective after dark; owing; to the care that-has .teen;ta-ken to show' no
;sign of; their whereaboutl. They are proVbably designed to disable an
enemy attempting-to steal upon and calptuareth'e uge structure (possibly

Jux,v 19, 1876.] 27

a fort) anchored between them. If ttordt4ydtt as omthig shortly
I shal be much ;u-ptised.
I have lately been greatly disgusted wi'h the doings of avery low tribe
with which the river is infested. These beings are complt- savages.
As far as my observation extends, they do not appear to favour any
style of clothing whatever-at any rate I have never noticed any.
Their occupation is bathing at .all hours of the day, anywbe e and
everywhere, and they partioulrc" jttwog uise the-more frequented parts
of Vtke aiver, to the eodtiaSon,,ds-.ourse, of the ladies belonging to all
the other 'tribes. Aw jmpaiti critic, I am decidedly of opinion
thAt the saoner a war S ~aesawiirnation is commenoed against these
raffians the better, and dl he b e eljhed to accept-a commission in
theattacking army.
'Shuld I succeed in e hvadoingtie ay of the natives, I will oe 'long
conan yet another commuasa on Aoithe tide with some Aaeo0ont nd
anGhr e .je tionadrikebttrohed .asaAes --the TPolourer.

Wi.a up, my s Iriends! come, be inktime 'to see the great collection-
i're a lot ,of curiositieyes- aievera-ww before.
Inasie I've many articles well worthy your inspection,-
o ;be in timo and quickly pay your money at the door!
I've Butt, Oald Oireland's moaarch, from.his palhce-by the.Shannon,
I ve an amateur" who never thoghit'se'd shine upon the stage;
I've a brace of moral poets, Messrs. Swinburne and Buchanan,
And they're writing little lyrics meant to purify the age.
I've a "Hall of Science" demagogue who's never been a scoffer,
Also a comic actor who considers "gagging low.;
I've a lady who has just refused an "eligible ofer,"
And an heiress from Miy-fair -who never figured in "the Row."
I case4iaows parish officer whose heart wouldtlseaer harden,
Ailiaisempstees who wasalways paid geod-wages for her work.
I've 'dlae ""tec" who tracked the jewels "that .were "moved" from
Zatton Garden,
Andia live domestic servant whohwasevsrdeaoL u"`perk."
I've amanusic-hill'" comique" who ietaer aisiaiLgar ritty,
Norsires es ina," draugbht-'board"' suitaxit gaili oooloured tie.
I'v.e.a husband who was never keptt on h-iaiesbigothe City,"
Andaswmn dawho never kissed his swealebsti'enhe said goodi4ye.
a'Ve -an amitor W 'forf organ-.menrasev aen eotioa,
.And a atla )hinier senses) who goes im SQr Womenia'l gats,;
, s.adotheloadt of animalsg, who -otesfeor vvivsectioi,
Aiad a modern i Aassed-up ihl 'who never thought her sisters

rsom the.seatO war Trveitelegramsagreeing with each other-
'wve, a heiby -who-was 4awayefotund, when wante4,..n his beat;
I'e ta" osrawh" who never kicked his wife nor jumped upon his

Nor inteIred l-with unprotected females-in the street.
I've a nostrum which has proved to be, as promised, efficacious-
I've a youth who, though he's seventeen, has never tried to smoke;
I've a special correspondent who is thoroughly veracious.
And a laddie frae the Land o' Cakes" who understands a joke.
So, come along, and-beinitime, don'tkhesitate about it-
Ge'eJuat ahout aommensing-.ay.yar -money at the door:
'Walknsp, I'ssa'.,eelkinp, ands.ethe, oriboefore you doubt it-
-S .chA ,wouideful ctioas~wssnever~seen before.

Ewtasin the thead of "lA W. asing,, -to tBadhllors" the giatt -.minds
fidh guide our "arlag.steoing" (contemporary -harve .produced a
dtter,aihe purport.of h oh seem tto be *tht when occasion requires
Atey .can spoll very 'badly. 'What Atbey ,can write Aditto req tires no
tfiiia.edfortttOi pxove.

The 'WaTv iof veland.
-W ffrish .Ermer .aho reeiintlypurohased.'-4rant'of land:in King's.
County-bhas just committedsuioidq, "the ,eonseqience of receiving .a,
leterithrea .eoning'tohootdlim-Abou.fa month ago." Self-_preser.vtion
is the'.firstlawmn ntu ,r'bat-this seems an intolerably Irish way.,fS
putting it intowdfiect.

'Too Warm.
GQENBRAL IBAIs OLuMPICS is a great man among the Servians.
But according to telegrams he has had to imitate his London namesake
in the singular, and shut up.

A MIDDLE-AOED person, of gentlemanly address, who gave no name,
was charged beforoh Mr. Choplaw with being a lunatic at large. On
being put into the dock it was noticed that his eye rolled considerably.
The worthy [agistrate observed it wAs a very bad case in teed, and
advised the constables in court to close up and prevent mischief.
Z 0 2 stated that h. was on .dty the previous day, near sHmpstead,
and was walking on h s beat tihilting of nothing for the-most part,
unless it was about his duty as -ai.,o i-er and the.state of -the ,weather,
when the .defendant aoeeatqd hi.w. Xi etced ialariug.ing'hki eye, but
.thought thatnwas driak, and -was f .g to atdv.isoe him nto go home,
-when defndani t aild ,Aisdely, ut to gAt to gt 'to .olney Hatch."
Coe.tbble at once iert ips ;ipues, smelt his breath. And felt in all his
pockets and fiudingAtnoe of the signs of drink about him, .concluded
he imust he an escapedlatiatic. Sprang his rattle, obtained assistance,
lerfl.conv, yed prisoner to 'the police.station,'wherQ, ~atvig fastened
.him dawn to the floorof a cell, Ahe deputy divpisonal surgeon was
sent fur.
The prisoner, whose eye had been glaring and rolling more and
more during thegove anod i nelligent officer'.aevideno., was about to
,speak, -when
The ,worthyI agistrate com .andedihim to 'be-silent, and retired to
his room isr luncheon.
On. rsuming, Mr. -Sawbonbesn.,.the deputy divisional surgeon,
-was sworn, and deposedtAht on 'the day ptavius 'he was -ent bforfand
found the prisoner fasteiael to the flor of a cell aind exhibiting the
most .unusual excitement. o said -him call policeman a meddling
noodle and interfering booby. Considered this a sign of either
intoxication or insanity, and ti-sted him accordingly, as directed by the
divisional instructions. Found prisoner's pulse .was curious, but could
discover-no smell of dinkik. To make .sure, jtowaver,-administered an
melli,': with the assistance of -a sergeant and tir-constables. During
ithe.ope._ipn prisoner,pppliedseveral epithets tards witness which
-onl.y-adamakard or A adman would use. ,i*o], dfor instance, as idiot
*ru joranapes. Found eventually there xwas -o trace of drink, and
therefore concluded pris ier was a xagi, g lunatic. Had ,no doubt
whatever About the matte;, and consedaed prisoner .decidedly
SergeanteI uddle(Aiotin gIsa pector) liso ;aid'be had no doubt defen-
dant .was inA an unsound ,at aof -mind, and acting ontheinuformation
,ofZ -0 2 as to -the meution hof tLQlney atoh mcae by di findantihad
otelegraphedito lne -head of .that Latiittion toigiay ho had -in lharcge a
.lunat-c escaped fromeolohere.
ilere the srisoner again became ieafpUllyexd4iled adw as IQ*t to
interrupt the worthy Al.tistrate oiaaawlRa-deseEut? -yf iaefcon-
.duct of thepoliee, ihen
His Worsip said if defendant .,iteaered with he ibpiness -of 'the
court he would at onoe.commit:himhwitlhItt'.the.option.of -a fine.
At.thais Amoment the Governor of Colaey aLtqlh -entered he court
and said .he wished ito-eemnArk1bth there sgiaog~e.natinctwieisigaom
his premises. SOn being-asked if-heknew prisoner, he.said'heoditl-.very
well, almnostiintimately; that prisoner was a gentleman of independent
-propertyqiving .jelQae by the asylum.
'Some persons having now enteredihe,court and sworn to the same,
the prisoner, who-was much calmer, asked to be allowed to make a
statement, but
Mr. Choplaw said he had heard quite enough. He would discharge
prisoner this time without a stain upon his character, but wo'-ld
advise him to be him to e careful how he came there again. We might be
overrun with lunatics and drunkards were it nut for such officers as
Z 0-2, who was ordered 5 fromithe poor box.

(AuR areic 'RsBPoaT)
EMEtO-R ov Russia. .Row,do yon.do ?
DITTO OF AusrTRIA.' JolLy! ow;sthe'tsaus?
EsMsBBoa OF RussIta. 'lollo1, thanfis. -Beengay-this seas0'4'
;cDvmTo'QF AUSTRIA. MiddliQg. '7ou~llstayluuih,?
iPapQB OF iKussIA. 'rq,,thawks; I -want to get .baok t once.
sDmrro.'.Qr AusTIAr ',Ta4A, oldibuy. Rem~nig esitifapmis!
    ."aihe meeting.oftthermpoerras hasttsken place, and there Jis #ekver
    :reasoQn o believe '.tbat it ',as rwulted ia an agreement hw.jh will
    iioflance :the future ,tf XEurnpe. (Quations were probably ,dopmsed
    iwhiohiha.ve troubledt.tbe llmperiAl ;Oheniollurs 'for months, and AHi-
    ffjtactOxily settled. hivetlgo, of tllie .Qrntinenial 'bourses ehouwq,'by (its
    improvement this morng, tt-bat I the ,m tingeig of ,yesterday raultze ,in
    the sd0idA ation,.Qttwp plRow."
    atm. for 'Horatio Nelawfifwl!).
    THBra are some things that are very expensive-to wash. The
    banks of the Thames for instance.

    8FU- N [(JULY 19, 1876.



    \ ^1 '^ ')




    lilh I.B. 'J HI'l l -

    THE BiG DRuM.


    FItU'N .-JULY 19, 1876.



    JLY 19,1876.] FUN.

    I HAvn a most unhappy knaell-
    I ve had dt all my lifth-
    Of following the only taelk
    That leads to.certainstwifr
    I pick my way amongatcrowd'-
    Imn careftLhow I gi-.
    Yet some one's sure toa miaealoud
    I've trodden on his tiei.
    I like toplease my felhw'mern
    Andmakauny neighbours.laugh,
    And soI; wield a weggishipen;,
    Andtry adittle chaffi
    I only'say 'tht mildestnthhig
    Nb qtick:-they wellcoualditouch;
    Yet every post afviotimbrings-
    T rm e hurtsi anmverymnach.
    I would n-otutochpthe:worma;thatorawl,
    I would not hitazcricketabnll,.
    Or let, aMdaisy, dies;.
    And yet I,'minhandedidbw eto: fame-
    Such fame asijokingtbrings-
    As one who'.fminde:a kind:of name
    Bysaying; cruel.thingp,

    The,- a ong an&d the: Short oi rt.
    Ta"r- tseemaas .Tournal, the. leading Dublin comic,
    containsan; account of azprosecution; under the direction
    of the Sciety for the Pirevention of Cruelty to Animali~
    whichicharged spa e man with' backing a horse.thi.tydfive
    yards long.-under a heavy load of sand." With every
    respect:for-the r Dublin preema's, hitherto well-earned
    reputation for-comicality, we venture to suggest that not
    .nly is this not a gocd joke, but that cruelty to animals
    is not a it siubjecI Jr jocularity. Verb. sap., which in
    Irish;means a. nod is as good, as a wink to a.blind horse,
    whether he be thirty-five yards long or even longer. i

    Bao-w the great. dramatic author; recently left. a THE WAY OF THE WORLD.
    play with a manager, and rubbed up his Latin for the-
    occision. Pax vobiscim," he exclaimed,. retiring "DjaA Is! WH.O WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OE, MEETING YOU ."
    gracefully, "the piece be with you." "DELIGHTED TO HAVE THE PLRASURE--belive us!"

    PRoVIoCAL papers full of an extraordinary suicide in America.
    Extraordinary, indeed, seeing nineteen, separate and distinct accounts I TA-:precious care ofNo. 1
    each one containing nineteen distinct ways of doing it, have been Whatever you. may, do!
    published. = Old man convicted of most- atrocious crime sentenced to And when this. thoroughly. is done,
    penal servitude for the rest of his" natural life." Must have get rid Then look for No,. 2:
    of the remainder of that long ago. = Strike of masons in the North. But when ascertain No. 2,
    Naturally they won't give in till they and all in connection with them Is wood, and won, and wed,
    are-" stone broke." = Mr. Gye writes to the leading journal to prove You make her only 1 with you,
    that.Kr Mapleson's speculation on Thames' Embankment must fail. And you are : instead!
    This, from one impressario to another, is considered judicious criticism.
    And there's not a- suspicion of rivalry or feeling. How, Italian And if the. numbers.multiply,
    operas do purify men's minds, to be sure = Passenger for Banbury You still to fractions run,
    jumps out-of express at Bletchley while going at full speed. A Ban- Which added make.. aunitie-
    bury. '" cake." Mr. Strangers postpones his action in re thae.reporter An aggregated l1
    who made fun of his white waistcoat. Perhaps that waistcoat will
    after all be put out with the-rest of his washing. -= Close of-the Flavel- But Time our terms will-disarray
    Cook subscriptions with over 2,500. As the adage has it, the. And when the figures state
    "personal friend loaks after his own. = Fly proprietor jumps out A perfect sum, will wipe away
    of-window at Dover. Being only a fly proprietor and not' a fly, he Some unit.from Lifes slate!
    came down with a run. = Mid-Cheshire Liberals determined to' take And Death's subtraction stillto Man
    no action with respect to filling vacancy caused by death-of Golonel But one remainder lends'-
    Leigh. IL is difficult to find anyone sufficiently the Mid-Cheshire With only 1 the sum began---
    cheese. ',o they prefer to preserve aStiltone! With 1 alone it.ends!

    The Simple- Truth.
    TH Russian Government has addressed a circular to its foreign Doubtfal Claims.
    representatives abroad stating' that Russia "will remain a simple A LonD, so the newspapers tell us, has-just missed being drowned at
    spectator" of the present struggle. "Artful spectator" would be Whitehaven. Another lord so the.raviews say, has narrowly escaped
    nearerthe- mark, being a poet here in London. We are in doubt as to which pro-
    vidential "let off" we should be most thankful for.
    THr NATIOAwL RI vs ASSOOIATION2-The Stbok Exchange, for it
    rifles the nation. REAL "S SxMB IfWmAn uvns."-Holiday Movements.

    F UN.

    [.Ivi.v 19, 1876.

    (The last toast having been Bull's-Eyes," little Podgers, who dimly remembers something about the Ancient,' compliment to Juno, has a brilliant
    thought, and proposes Girls' Eyes." He is interrupted by the sudden appearance of Mrs. Podgers.)
    [Poor FPosae.s is ta'en home by the ctxl trait.

    and peculiarities of Parisian celebrities having failed to be attractive
    HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. to the paying public, the old comedy of Wild Oats has been revived,
    THE reappearance in London of Madlle. Beatrice with her now well- and, for the present at all events, will prove a fairly agreeable stop-
    known troupe, and the presentation of Frou- Frou, so identified with gap, if it does not attain still higher honours. Considering the history
    the reputation of this lady, is one more proof, if any one could be found of the little house in the Haymarkct, to say nothing of the feeling
    requiring such a thing, of the rapidity of time's flight. It seems a shown recently against slapdash and slovenly adaptation, it is not at
    very little while ago since all London was to be astounded by the all surprising to find a standard comedy proving more successful there
    presentation in an English garb of this Frenchestof French plays, and than a bald translation. Some of the acting in the comedy is really
    when the lessees of two theatres were so anxious to please the public good, while some of it is bad, and some even worse.
    that they produced different versions of the same piece almost The unfortunate Holboran-Lirror.-Dke's establishment which, since
    simultaneously, and then went to law to decide who ought to have its one great success of some years back, has been everything thea-
    been first, while the public, for whose benefit all this was done, showed trial by turns and nothing long, has just made a fresh start, and
    a lukewarmness most dispiriting to managers of an enterprising turn blossomed forth as a place for the promotion of promenade concerts.
    of mind. Yet, although this seems but a thing of yesterday, it is We, in common with others, had supposed that in a house of such
    nearly seven years since F,ou-Frou was produced at both the St. limited proportions the promenade would be subservient to the
    James's and the Olympic, and was hardly to be considered a pecuniary concert, but on the night of our visit there was certainly room and to
    or histrionic success at either place. Madlle. Beatrice was identified i spare. The orchestra is good.
    with the St James's venture, and if she was in any way disappointed While Mr. Hollingshead busies himself and spares no pains to
    when the piece was new and such great things were expected of it, secure remunerative novelties, or attractions which are such because
    she has been amply compensated since, as not only has she performed they are not novelties, with which to tempt the mental palatts of
    the title rtle all over the country, and even farther, but the popularity Gaiety lovers, there is growing up in another portion of tho same
    which lagged a little at the commencement -fickle as popularity ever building a powerful, if friendly, rivalry. Like the Criterion, the
    was-has been a constant attendant on her footsteps, and, we venture Gaiety under its new management offers to the hungered not only a
    to say, most deservedly. At the Glibe, despite the hot weather and good dinner but a profitable way of digesting it.
    the general disinclination this season to be enthusiastic or even mildly Ilard to overcome as French play-ac ors almost invariably find our
    lauda ory about anything, Madlle. Beatrice has been attracting good insular tastes and peculiarities, Madame Thio seems at last to have
    houses and winning much applause. The plot of Frou-Frou does not found a tender spot in the British bosom. By her sojourn in London
    err on the side of morality, nor are the actions of the heroine such as she has lot none of the popularity obtained in Paris, while the di-
    would commend themselves to the maj rity of Engli-h wives and rectors of the Opera Comiqueao have made a very decided gain.
    mothers of families. Bat herein the tiue artist shows herself, Madlle.
    Beatrice's consummate skill enabling her to rob many very unpleasant New Name for It.
    matters of their unpleasantness. The play is very well put upon the A CAMPenn'rowN reporter telegraphs the information that the new
    stage, and the actress fairly supporte. lifeboat P, i,.cess Lo7,i~e was launched amidst much eclal this afternoon."
    L'E rangere having run itself to a standstill at the Haymarket, and Evidently the Scot'isb-Fxench for water-when diluted a little with
    the somewhat dull travestie by English mediocrities of the attitudes Campbelcown whisky,

    I 32



    JULY 19, 1876.]


    My pen I ply
    With bloodshot eye
    And breast a prey to keen emotions
    (As one who feels
    He ill conceals
    His revolutionary notions;
    While knowing such a course offends
    The dukes he'd like to call his friends,
    Who may reply by fighting shy, instead of sending cards by oceans!)
    My eyeball glares
    At millionaires-
    I envy them their wealth and station,-
    My fingers long
    To write a song
    Subjecting them to execration;
    Yet so contrived in artful ways,
    That they may think it's meant for praise,
    Exclaim, Well said!" And pat my head, and send a dinner-invitation.-
    With many cries
    O'er fruitless tries,
    With half success and much distraction,
    It was my lot
    To find a plot
    That seems to aid my plan of action:
    The way in which I vent my hate,
    While seemingly I adulate,
    Will form the piaite of distant days-a theme of deathless satisfaction!
    A man of rank-
    The wealthy Blank-
    A man intent upon defeating
    All wrong intents
    By sentiments
    He took a pleasure in repeating :
    So flowing, well-conceived, and fair
    His moral aphorisms were,
    So deftly said, his presence shed a lustre on a public meeting.
    He didn't vent
    This sentiment
    To edify the upper classes;
    He merely tried
    To rightly guide
    The morals of the poor-the masses.
    "Now work (he said) "'s the finest thing
    To keep a man from coveting
    E is neighbour's rings-his wife and things-his house-his oxen-
    and his asses."
    Betimes next day
    (As people say)
    They found him, when the world was dozing,
    On common land
    With rails in hand,
    Serenely bent upon enclosing :
    Reflecting his immortal smirk
    Folks offered him a lot of work-
    Ie st physic this-for. avarice, to moderation predisposing!
    The man who looks"
    (He said) "to books
    For recreation in his leisure
    Will, in the fruit
    Of such pursuit,
    Discover unexampled treasure;
    For books ennoble heart and brain,
    And cause a man to be humane,
    And not oppress the man with less; but give him just and proper
    When night was spent,
    His steward went
    To castigate a tenant'streason-
    (His shameful tricks
    Of gleaning sticks !)-
    And-gaol reduced the man to reason:
    And, borrowing his moral looks,
    Bi tenants sent him heaps of books;
    For they're inclined the human mind with love of clemency to season.

    "These things" (said he)
    Won't profit me !

    Look here, the whole affair you jumble!
    We can't expect
    This good effect
    Except upon the poor and humble."
    And so they had to form a band,
    And burn his house, and spil his land-
    That, being poor, he might secure impossibility to stumble.

    HB was nearly one year old when his great trouble fell upon him;
    He was only two when, goaded to fury and despair, he allowed- his
    reason to tip up and overbalance itself and him with it.
    To a human being delicately and nervously constituted, there is no
    agony so wearing, no grief so subtle, as that of cutting the teeth.
    What goutis to the second childhood gums are to the first.
    Gonzmles was endowed with an organisation tuned to so fine a pitch
    that the slightest violence would throw it into a Babylonian discord.
    Alas, Dr. Ozdrachm-man of science though he was-treated him as an
    ordinary healthy child, gave him syrups and powders and daffy, and
    tried all the resources of his art to alleviate the infant's toosynagical
    But Gonzales, lying' open-mouthed and open-eyed through the silent
    watches of the night, would ponder long and seriously over the career
    which lay before him. First he wondered why, having the power of
    thought, speech was denied him. He wanted to tell his nurse not to
    bite his bread and butter first and then feed him with it. He wanted to
    tell his mother to speak plain English to him instead of a lot of
    gibberish no baby could be expected to understand. He wanted to
    ask hispa not to have an idiotic grin on his face when he tossed him
    up and down. But most of all he wanted to ask Dr. Ozdrachm to
    leave off trying to cure his pains and to let him die.
    D ht Asm i a! Yes. Nightly from the blue-lined beroeaunette
    there ascended a feeble wail of unutterable infantile anguish.
    Gonzales Grinham was weary of life. He had taken an intense dis-
    like to milk-he abominated Robb, and his whole being revolted
    against squills and aniseed. He knew that the doctor and his papa
    must have lived upon it for many many years, they were so b;g and tall,
    and he could not endure the idea of such prolonged discomfort. He
    tried to refuse his food sometimes, but they forced his mouth open
    with a spoon and poured it down his throat. And all the time his
    gums worried him till he hardly knew if he was on his back or his
    And whether it was the gums or whether it was the daffy I cannot
    say, but one day he suddenly found a tongue, and burst forth into a
    wild upbraiding of the doctor and the people who wouldn't let him
    quietly starve himself to death.
    And the doctor, having gotten over his first astonishment, rushed off
    for a clergyman to converse with the baby who talked about suicide.
    And the clergyman leant over his cradle and pointed out the
    enormity of the act, and told him how, if he was a good boy and took
    the syrups and the powders, his gums would leave off worrying him, and
    he would grow up like his papa and have little babies of his own,
    And when Gonzales heard that, he bit his lip and said nothing, but
    when the clergyman was gone he thought a good deal. And he
    couldn't get the idea out of his head that if he grew up he might have
    a baby of his own.
    "Poor little thing," he said to himself. Of course, my baby will
    have sore gums too, and have nonsense talked to it, and trash poured
    down its throat-if I grow up And if I don't grow up there will be
    one baby less jn the world to be worried. I will be a benefactor to
    my species."
    And that night, when mama and papa were asleep in their big cradle
    that never rocked, he opened the veins of both his arms with a nursery
    pin, and dozed off into the only sleep that really knits up the ravelled
    sleeve of care.
    And older children than Gonzales Grinham have done a less
    sensible thing.

    True Friendship.
    Two men were taken into custody the other day for fighting in
    Hyde Park. The evidence went to prove that one was knocked down
    twice within a short space of time. Defendants denied that they
    -were fighting, and pleaded "a friendly spar." The proof of the
    friendliness of the contest lies, we are informed, in the fact that though
    one man was knocked down twice, he was never once kicked for falling
    by, either-his opponent or the peaceful and friendly spectators.

    A Word in Season.
    Tim inhabitants of Belgrade fear a bombardment from Turkish
    monitors. Monitors are just thethings. for teaching the young (and
    rebellious) idea.how to shoot.


    '"'Stout Farmer:-" GIE TEW A JOB 0' WAR DON'T KNAW AS I CAN AND
    Pasant.:-" Tu.iMIAS "

    TsAE DNE.
    GREAT fight yesterday near Lepaheetihw, a well known spot in the
    East. A band of Sregnomretsoc, under their leader Llib Sekis,
    attacked a Namecilop and drove him from his post. Reinforcements
    arrived too late.
    Skirmishing is reported between the Sevitavresnoc and Slarebil,
    tribes notoriously hostile to each other. The Sevitavresnoc have the
    larger number of adherents, but victory is prognosticated for the
    Slarebil by those who know. Their cause is far more honest and
    upright than that of their foes.
    This place is being rapidly invaded. The Ydaldnal and Letoh
    Prepeek are supplying the enemy with food at enormous prices. The
    Ynapmoc of Staobmae's is neutral. Several sailing vessels have put
    in and the Sevaw are rising.
    Fearful fight outside the Nuf Eciffo. Crowd pacified with speech
    by Rehsilbup, who promised to supply everyone in turn.

    A TIGHT FIT.-An attack of 1). T.

    [JULY 19, 1876.

    EXoEPT for a reason I need but repeat
    To cause you at once to admit,
    Our Choir, for my part, should retain its complete
    Obscurity proper to it;
    But the fact that thus alters the whole of the case
    Is the fact that I frequently sing in the Bass.
    Our Altos are rather a quavery set-
    Our Tenors all sing in the throat;
    While as for our Trebles I doubt if you've met
    Such wonderful shrillm ss of note;
    But the Bass, as I've hinted, makes ample amends
    (A result which my excellent singing attends).
    As each one considers his singing first chop "-
    (Of mine I am properly proud)-
    And feels that the best should be brought to the top,
    Our songs are impressively loud;
    Though judged by some sensitive musical chaps
    They might be considered discordant, perhaps.
    But one little point I consider the pith
    Of things where we fail to agree -
    A curious blindness possessing us (with
    The single exception of me) -
    Your presence when solos are brought on the scene
    Will lead you at once to observe what I mean.
    The Altos and Tenors and Bassos declare
    The Trebles for solo unfi- ;
    While Altos and Bassos and Trebles will ne'er
    The claims of the I'enors admit;
    And the Tenori and Trebles are one in belief
    With the Bass that the Altos must bring 'erm to grief.
    But here is the blindness you'll scarcely believe -
    You'll argue them black in the face-
    Ere Tenors or Trebles or Altos perceive
    The Solos should fall to the Bass.
    And none of the Bassos have senses to see
    They ought to be always entrusted to me.

    Grand Junction.
    A rEasoN engaged in extensive saw-mill operations
    "wishes a gentleman to join him." What dreadful
    accidents must be constantly occurring which never get
    into the papers !

    CHUMMING with betting men because they are a shady lot.
    Asking Sir Charles Reed if he knows of a nice school board to sit
    Going to the School for Cooking for cool and airy amusement.
    Going to church for the sake of the freeze seats.
    Envying an old Scotchman because he's "nae kid."
    Breaking the window for a morceau de glace.
    Travelling third-class to Oxford for the sake of the Isis there.
    Quarrelling with your wife for the sake of a breeze.
    Wanting to be a collier because he's always got coal'd hands.

    Appropriate this Time.
    THE New Yorkers have given a concert, at which six thousand
    persons were present, in honour of the Emperor and Empress of
    Brazil. Though professed Republicans, our cousins are always nuts "
    on such an opportunity.
    Now Ready, the Thirtieth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
    Maqenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
    Also, Reading Cases, 1s. 6d. each.

    H" WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
    I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."-A. H. Hassall, M.D.
    Wrinted by JUDD & 0O.. Phenix Works. St. Andrew Hill. Doctors' Commona, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.O.-Londo;, July 19, 1878.

    JuvL 26, 1876.]


    TIME goes in for funny freaks,
    Man's a toy he likes to play with;
    Notice how he lines our cheeks,
    Mark what glee he makes us grey with.
    Pleasure comes to soothe.our hearts;
    Often, like the rose, 'tis prickly;
    Soon its radiance departs-
    Happy moments vanish quickly!
    Supposing you by Fate's decree
    Love a girl and long to greet her,
    Don't the minutes seem to be
    Leaden-winged until you meet her ?
    When the hour arrives at last,
    And all care away you banish,
    Then the tyrant travels fast-
    Happy moments quickly vanish!
    Here upon this earthly ball i
    Joy awhile will make us gayer,
    But when Sorrow gives a call
    Oftentimes she proves a stayer."
    Hope, thou swiftly glidest on-
    Fragrant are the flowers thou pickest;
    Soon alas, their bloom is gone-
    Happy moments fly the quickest!

    Never mind, we needn't groan;
    Tear-drops, shower-like, refresh us,-
    After all we're bound to own
    Joy is like a sweetheart--precious.
    Cast away regrets and sighs,
    Though our cares beset us thickly,
    Happy moments let us prize,
    Even though they vanish quickly!

    Any Orders, Gents P
    THE Rev. George Butterfield has just had seven days'
    imprisonment with hard labour at Southampton for being
    drunk. Following this announcement we find that,
    " The Re7. James Anderson, Presbyterian minister, will
    shortly take orders in the Church of England." These
    people might wait till they get outside to give their

    Sarah (woho has been cautioned about letting strangers in, appears with some
    viiitwrj' cards):-" PLEASE, MUM, THERE'S THREE ON 'EM, AND THEY WON'T GO

    OuR special correspondent in the back kitchen of a Government
    official forwards us this morning the contents of some important notes
    which have passed between our officials and those of a Northern
    State. He acquired his knowledge at the risk of being ignominiously
    kicked out of the house, and we can point with pride to this fresh
    instance of our enterprising determination to keep the public
    acquainted with the latest news:-
    I am directed by my Government to inform you privately that we
    shall spare no pains to force you into war. We wish, however, to
    have an agreement that no direct hostilities shall take place for six
    weeks. We must get some money to start with."
    I hoped to have agreed to your proposition, but I find that I
    cannot possibly get a fleet together in that time, and my principal
    strength is my Navy. Give me two months."
    Make it three if you like. Our Imperial Master's malady has
    undergone a fresh phase. He fancies himself a penny ice, and won't
    talk about business till he's eaten himself up. We hope to cure him
    after the hot weather leaves us."
    "Three months won't do. Some of our new men have sunk the
    old ships. Can you wait till we get them up again ? '
    "Certainly. When do you think it will be? Could your people lend
    us the money to arm with ? I fear we shan't get it if they won't."
    Our people have lost all their money. Goodness knows when we
    shall get the ships up. But it doesn't much matter, for since I wrote
    our new ships have blown up all the old men. I fancy peace will
    suit us both best."

    "We can't fight without money. You can't fight without men and
    ships. Let's go in for preserving the peace of Europe !"
    Agreed. A policy of non-intervention shall be made public at
    once. Please see that this is done at your end also. Adieu!

    I'M feeling at present so fearfully hot,
    And I'm melting and running away;
    I'm working at nothing, but thinking a lot
    Of the sea and its beautiful spray;
    For whenever the weather is weighing me down,
    To refresh me I make it a rule
    To ponder in studies distinguished as brown
    Upon something deliciously cool.
    What wonder if Russia should run in my head,
    For the sun is attacking me now;
    To the land of theland Viches" my fancy has fled,
    And a breeze is relieving my brow.
    With a match ready lighted to set in a blaze
    All the cities of Europe-pray who'll
    Tell me Russia condemning the Eastern affray
    Isn't something deliciously cool ?
    Come dress me in garments of leaves of the fig,
    And ice me a seat in the shade;
    Then talk to me sweetly of shares that they rig,
    And how boards of directors are made.
    Oh, read me in accents of beautiful trust
    How they made the poor Lennox a tool;
    Oh, don't miss a word of his speech, for I must
    Think of something deliciously cool.

    VOL. XXIV.


    FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 26, 1876.

    THE storm o'er the ocean was blowing amain
    (As storms o'er the ocean do mostly 'tis plain).
    But Ben the first fireman, so fond of his larks,
    Ne'er thought there was danger from foreigners' sparks.
    "There's plenty of blazes abroad there," said he,
    "But over the water is nothing to me.
    I'll turn off the water and toddle to bed,
    And not care a jot though the sky is so red.
    It's nothing to me, for its over the sea.
    For other folks' troubles, pshaw, fiddlededee !"
    But Ben, who was old, had got weak in the head,
    Or else he'd have seen how the danger must spread,
    Or else he'd have known t'other side of the wave
    Was property he was expected to save.
    No wonder, then, while he was snoring asleep
    Our foreign affairs should be all of a heap,"
    And when he awoke he should say with a sigh,
    "Who would have believed it ? Most surely not I!
    'Twas nothing to me, for 'twas over the sea."
    But he richly deserved his discharge you'll agree.
    THE glorious uncertainty of the law was exemplified in no measured
    manner a few days back at the Exeter Assizes. A man named
    Ellicott was found guilty of the manslaughter of his wife under such
    exceptionally brutal circumstances that Baron Amphlett felt con-
    strained to make some remark on the case. The prisoner had struck
    his wife a terrible blow with his fisat, from the effect of which she died
    in half an hour. The judge, having expressed his opinion that assaults
    on women should be severely treated, and that prisoner should be
    made a serious example to others of his kind, proceeded to severely
    treat him to six months' imprisonment. The next case was that of a
    marine-store dealer named Hill, proved to have been found in
    unlawful possession of four fleeces of wool, clearly identified. Though
    found guilty, there was in Hill's favour a circumstance of which
    the law professes to take great notice and consideration in meting out
    fitting punishment to all offenders. This circumstance was that
    hitherto Hill had borne an excellent character. Possibly Baron
    Amphlett considered it an aggravation of the offence, for we find it
    recorded that, having just sentenced a brutal wife-destroyer to six
    months', he awarded five years' penal servitude to the marine-store
    dealer, although the unlawful possession of four sheepskins was his
    first and only offence. There is a story told of a judge who once
    sentenced the wrong man to be hanged, and, discovering his mistake,
    Pent for the "culprit" privately, and condoled with him on his
    unhappy fate. "I am sorry for your misfortune," he said, "and any-
    thing I can do for your family I shall be most happy to do; but it is
    far better that one innocent man should die than that the course of
    English justice should be interrupted by the admission of so paltry an
    error." It is said that even the "unhappy culprit" himself saw the
    force of this judicious reasoning; maybe some such glimmering con-
    sciousness of the eternal fitness of things may now and again during
    the course of the next five years shed a grateful balm upon the
    unlawful possessor's heart, and be not entirely lost on Mr. Baron
    THE fact that a foolish protest raised against Sergeant Pullman,
    winner of the Queen's Prize, was not even based upon a foolish fact,
    leaves, unfortunately, the question still open as to what is the lowest
    possible depth of objection to a winner at Wimbledon. Can it be
    possible that if Sergeant Pullman really had broken his country's
    regulations by the wearing of an unnecessary belt or the unwearing of
    a necessary one, that he would have been disqualified ? If so, we
    may Icok soon to objections based on the way in which winners have
    disgracefully used odd laces in their boots, turned their socks, or been
    badly shaved for so special and peculiar an occasion.

    Treasury Trove.
    ONE of the witnesses in the Bravo case explained that he cut short
    his evidence at the Treasury because the clerk looked bored. Un-
    happy witness, not to know that this is the only way a Treasury clerk
    has of showing that he too is possessed sometimes of "common"
    feelings of humanity.

    OL Morro roR A NEW QUEEN's PRIZE MAN.-" There's Nothing
    like Leather."

    (JULY 26, 1876.

    IT wed to be quite a matter of wonder among those who knew him
    best how Brown got his money. W6 had all known him. poor, and
    the use of the word in its ordinary and accepted sense hardly expresses
    the degree of Brown's poverty. He had gone away for his fortnight's
    holiday poorer than ever-had, in fact, made no secret of his troubles
    or his disposition to have them lightened by friends-and two days
    before he was due again at the office had reappeared in London, a
    modern personification of the word wealth.
    He came down on the Monday, and, instead of taking off his hat and
    going to his desk, told the boy to tell old Grabham-those were the
    very words he used-that Mr. Brown wanted to see him, and couldn't
    wait. Brown used to tremble whenever Grabham looked at him; it
    was now Grabham's turn to tremble-with rage. The governor
    couldn't believe the boy's delivery was correct, and so instead of ask-
    ing Brown into his sanctum he came out looking both puzzled and
    angry. That's how we came to hear how Brown discharged himself,
    for otherwise whenever Grabham had any private business to transact
    he used to lock the doer, and stand with his back to the keyhole to
    deaden the sound. I poked a lighted fusee through once to try, and
    then measured the mark on his office coat.
    "Now then, old buffer," said Brown, as bold as brass, and without
    even a tremble in his voice; "wake up. I've come to pay you a fort-
    night's money in lieu of notice, and here it is." With that be threw
    down three golden sovereigns just as if they were so much dirt, and
    asked for a receipt.
    "And mind," said he, "that it's made out to Zerubbabel Brown,
    Esquire. None of your plain Misters now I've come into my
    For 9 moment I thought Grabham was going to refuse the three
    pounds'and to insist on Brown's working out his time; but either he
    couldn't resist the sight of the money, or he was afraid of Brown; and
    so with a remark about fools and their money which if true should
    have made Grabham one of the wisest men on earth, he took up the
    coin and told the cashier to give Brown a receipt.
    "And be sure you put in the word Esquire," he said. "The.title is
    new to the gentleman, and he likes it." With this and the announce-
    ment that Brown needn't send to him for a character, the old gentle-
    man departed, and I couldn't help fancying he'd had rather a bit the
    best of it. But that opinion Brown afterwards said was due to my
    servile mind.
    I will say that for Brown, that despite his bouncing ways he
    behaved handsomely. He went round to every desk where he had
    owed anything, and paid it down on the nail, even so far as not
    requiring change where he hadn't got the exact amount. Then said
    be, "Now, boys, I'm not going to make you beholden to old Beeswax
    for a moment's time; but as soon as you've done for the day you'll
    find me waiting for you at the Geranium, and we'll crack a bottle
    together." Taking up his receipt, he rapped his cane as hard as ever
    he could three or four times upon the desk that used to be his, and
    The Geranium was a house round the corner where we used to go
    for lunch-we always call it lunch-and at six o'clock we, sure enough,
    toddled round there. One or two had at first said they wouldn't go;
    but Jones the proprietor looked in after he had watched old Grabham
    go by, and dropped a hint as to the dinner Brown had ordered. And
    it was a dinner! Soup and fish and the rest of it, with wines to
    match. And when a waiter came behind me and said suddenly in my
    ear, Sherryarocksir P I was so flabbergasted that the question
    might have been repeated till now had I not caught sight of the
    bottles. Then, to avoid confusion and to show that I knew what was
    what, I replied Both! And when I sent a plateful of beef away
    with the remark that I could get beef every day and preferred fowl
    now, my fame was established and the jollity almost reached its
    height. Brown made an admirable chairman, and we spent a very
    pleasant evening, if a little short.
    Of course we had a good deal of talk over the matter next morning,
    but amid much diversity of opinion there was one thing about which
    all were unanimous. Which was that though Brown spoke severil
    times about his money, and gave every evidence of wealth, he never
    dropped the slightest hint of how he came by it. He had never
    expected any we all knew, and many were the ideas to which his
    sudden advancement gave rise. Burglary was the prevailing notion
    not untinged with murder, and for a long time I never read of any-
    thing atrocious without thinking Brown must be concerned in it,
    while he always figured in my dreams as a Bold and Blood-stained

    Time ran on, and amid the many changes that are constantly taking
    place I had almost forgotten Brown. But only the other day I
    suddenly ran up against him, looking more of a swell than ever; and
    over a quiet glass, after repeated solicitation, he told me how he got
    his money.

    1 36

    JULY 26, 1876.] 37

    It was all done in a moment," he said. You know that before
    I came to old Grahham I was connected with a scene-painting firm, the
    prin',ipl partner in which had gone abroad and settled at Bingen on
    the Rhine, where I was told he was rapidly getting rich. I often
    wondered what scene painting there could be at Bingen, and the more
    I thought of it the more I was determined to go and see for myself.
    And so I pinched and scraped, and at last g )t enough to pay for a
    cheap ticket by the Harwich route. That's where I went during my
    holiday. Long before I got as far as Bingen I found out how my former
    master was making his fortune. I broke my journey in one or two
    places, and went and examined some of the famous ruins. And it
    wasn't a very hard job for me to recognize his handiwork. Guides
    couldn't keep me from getting too close in the night, nor from taking
    specimens. And when I knocked at his door at Bineen, my old
    governor knew I'd come on business. Well, the long and the short of
    it is that his funk emboldened me, and I told him I had come out as
    special agent for a company prepared to put pasteboard rains
    warranted not to crack and equal to sample upon any projection,
    berg, fels, heim, or stein. I showed him what I had taken from
    already existent ruins, and all he could say was, that the game was
    pretty fair as it stood, but that I should spoil it for everybody. That,
    I said, was nothing to do with me. I was sent out on a certain duty,
    and on my report everything would depend. Well, the result was
    that after much talk and a great many conferences with the managing
    directors of a secret Prussian society-the Patent Rhine Ruin Com-
    pany, Limited-I was bought up, and, twelve days after I had set out
    with next to nothing, returned to London a moneyed man."
    Here Brown drank up his drink and departed. I have often thought
    since that he was funning me; but why shouldn't there be Patent
    Rhine Ruins in an age which allows of Lisbon Tramways with
    English Tory Ministers on the list of Directors?

    SCENE : The Rouse of Commons.
    Osonus. IrT'S a truism known from the pole to the tropic,
    Wherever our countrymen dwell,
    That the notions this House entertains on a topic
    Are those of the country as well !
    AN ENQUIRING MEMBER. To ask that the House will afford me its
    views on
    A subject that's very absorbing to muse on
    My moral anatomy quivers ;
    I'm sure it'll profit our British Dominion
    For me to elicit the House's opinion
    About the pollution of rivers.
    CHORus. It's a truism, &c, &c.
    So I ask for this House's decision (to weave
    The thoughts of the populace from it)
    As to whether it's right for our streams to receive
    The filth that the factories vomit.
    To think of our rivers meandering grimy,
    Revolting and poisonous, smelling and slimy,
    The sensitive ponderer shivers :
    I'm therefore respectfully trying to win you
    To say if you think that it's best to continue
    The present pollution of rivers.
    Chours. It's a truism, &c., &c.
    RECITATIVE. Oh, happy theme for meditation!
    Blest council-chamber which contains
    No thought of self or selfish gains,
    Bu breathes the wishes of the nation !
    Now lo! Devoid of hesitation,
    An honourable memb' r speaks
    In quick response to him who seeks
    For information.
    A MANUFrAcTUING M.P. (Membsr for himself).
    With a patriot's devotion
    And a soul to profit closed,
    I will give the nation's notion
    On the question just proposed.
    We are under inquisition
    (If I rightly understand),
    With regard to the condition
    Of the rivers of the land :
    Now researches are revealing
    Many traces undisputed
    Of an universal feeling
    That they caught to be polluted !

    That a river's emanations
    Should be poisonous and rank
    Is among the aspirations
    Of the dwellers on the bank;
    And (the stubborn unbelie, er
    May mistrust his ears and eyes),
    But they like to citch a fever
    From the vapours that arise!
    He's a man of double-dealing,
    And he hates the Constituticn,
    Who denies that public feeling
    Is in favour of pollution.
    COonus. How patriotism's dying ember
    Borrows at once reanimation
    From this sublime self-abnegation
    Which marks the honourable member!
    To him no se'fish aims could he imputed :
    Sufficient! Let the rivers be polluted!
    ANOTHER EaNQUIRiNG MEMBER. The prevalent public feeling
    I'm longing to understand,
    Rewarding that plan of stealing
    Expanses of public land;
    And whether this course of dishonest enclosure
    Be worthy, f praise or of legal exposure.
    Caoars. Ere long he'll be in full possession
    Of information he requires;
    For here the people's least desires
    Will ever, ever find expression.
    A LAND-AcoauIRIN M.P. (Aenmber for VuAnber O;e.")
    Unselfish, unprejudiced, just,
    I readily rise to reply-
    For surely there's nobody fitter to trust,
    And who is less biassed than I P
    A zealous acquirer of land,
    Myself I will cheerfully charge
    With the duty of making this House understand
    The will of the people at large -
    Tis this: All the people who're rightly disposed,
    Jump wildly at getting their commons enclosed.
    "The lord of the manor," they say,
    "In fencing our commons about
    Is doing a favour we cannot repay-
    We're glad at his turning us out!
    Our land we prefer him to seize,
    And knock all our rights on the head;
    We revel to see him destroying the trees
    And setting up villas instead !"
    I'm sure you'll believe me that nothing delights
    The people so greatly as losing their rights.
    CaoRUs. What people could, thus represented,
    Be discontented ?
    [Other questions, on The advisability of abolishing murder, con-
    flagrations, burglary, &c."-(answered in the negative by unbiassed
    members)-left out for want of space.]
    FINAL CHORUS. It's a truism, &c., &c.

    "There's many a Slip."
    THE good people of Bradford have been disappointed lately. They
    turned out in their thousands to give Major his Royal Highness the
    Duke of Connaught a right royal welcome, and all the old bunting
    Bradford possessed was brought into requisition. But H.R.H. the
    Major went round another way, and effusive loyalty, bunting and all,
    were exercised for nothing. Still undaunted, the Mayor and Town
    Clerk chartered a dogcart, and with this and perseverance eventually
    found the Duke, who, after some persuasion, consented to be in
    Bradford and dine that evening. But alas! whether it was that the
    municipal authorities were unused to dogcarts, or that their exuberance
    communicated itself to the horse, we unfortunately cannot say;
    anyhow there is the fact that on the road home a spill took place, and
    the Mayor having fallen with his face on the prostrate horse's collar was
    found to be quite unfit for a royal banquet; so the Town Clerk had to
    telegraph, and II.R.H. the Major had to stay where he was. And
    now the leal men of Bradford and the women to boot are divided
    whether to sympathise with his Worship the Mayor, or blame him for
    spoiling their prospect with his Royal Highness the Major.

    SEASONABLE PASSWORD.- Pass the Bottle.

    38 F U N [(JuL 26, 1876.

    CHESTER comes for-
    ward to teach the
    Admiralty its proper
    place and duties. A
    first result of chap.
    lains being declared
    superior to captains
    in the Royal Navy.
    = Prince Leopold
    to be made President
    of theRoyalLiterary
    Fund. Maybe, one
    of these days we
    shall have a literary
    literary fund as well
    as a royal one.=
    Miss Thompson
    goes over and
    forswears the paint-
    ing of battle pieces
    evermore. Naturally,
    as a Catholic, her
    devotion to art will
    take a more uni-
    versal character. =
    Lady ninety years
    old said to have died
    of grief. It was
    always an extremely
    slow process in prac-
    tice, whatever the
    theory may have
    been. =" Fifty thou.
    sand elephants are
    killed every year to
    supply England with
    ivory." And all of
    them have to be per-
    fectly white, and
    mustbe shot through
    the eye, or the ivory
    is completely value-
    less. = Hospital
    Sunday Fund pro.
    duces 26,000. This
    should be one more
    warning to busy.
    bodies that the
    better the day the
    better the deed."=
    Three retorts for the
    cremation of the
    dead erected in Ja-
    pan. Intended as
    retorts courteous to
    the arguments of
    those who prefer the
    older and more con-
    servative style of
    treatment. = F o u r
    thousand employ es
    of the Singer Com-
    pany visit the Cen-
    tennial Exhibition
    together. And not
    one of them offered
    to oblige the es-

    S --- ----www --. -.--- -

    AIL AT ALL "

    tablishment with a
    song. Greedy I -
    Nottingham paper
    states that in the
    cricket match be-
    tween Notts and
    Lancashire, "the
    seventh wicket fell
    for 179." Our
    sporting joker says
    that the captainmust
    have been Daft, de-
    spite what the papers
    say to the contrary.
    Whatever does he
    mean F = Gentleman
    writes to the Times
    stating that four
    boys were recently
    robbed and nearly
    murdered by gipsies
    in Epping Forest-
    with knives. Says
    the boys "cannot
    have invented the
    story." But they
    may have added just
    a gipsy or two and
    an extra knife! -
    Mrs. Wilkins wants
    to know why the
    American Minister
    was invited to the
    Bishops' dinner P
    Naturally, the Lord
    Mayor not being
    able to get hold of
    an American Bishop
    was obliged to be
    satisfied with an
    American Minister.
    = Classes for the
    "' technical educa-
    tion" of bricklayers
    are now announced.
    The technical edu-
    cation" of grand-
    mothers is expected
    to commence shortly.
    Eggs and trowels
    gratis. = Registrar
    of a County Court
    expresseshis "strong
    disapprobation of
    report of proceed-
    ings heard by him.
    We expect to hear
    soon of a new dish:
    Tenny-a-liner served
    on toast d la Regis-

    THE Sugar Con-
    ference has assem-
    bled in Paris. Of
    course all the mem-
    bers were accom-
    panied by their

    IT is stated that a representative body of English M.P.'s" is about
    to visit the Philadelphia Exhibition. The committee is to select the
    representatives, and a ship of the White Star line-a Star line is, of
    course, the proper line of transit-is to be placed at their disposal. We
    have not yet been told who are to constitute the committee, nor do we
    think that so far the arrangement is complete; but as all Englishmen
    must have an interest in so representative an exhibition of legislators,
    we venture to propose the following, on the accompanying claims, as a
    provisional body, with power to add to their number. Lord Henry
    Lennox (on his retirement from conductoring directorship duty), Major
    O'Gorman (on the score of the buffer interest), Mr. Whalley (on his

    dignified bearing and forensic utterances), Sir Willian Fraser (on his
    superiority to common people and to common sense), Mr. Jenkins (on
    his cheek), Dr. Kenealy (on his right as an Englishman"), Mr.
    Ripley (on his Liberality), Mr. Biggar (on his Biggarness), Mr. Lewis
    (on his waistcoat), Sir Wilfrid Lawson (on his hobby horse). In the
    hands of these gentlemen the selection will not fail to be as varied as
    it is representative.

    A "Scratch" Match.
    IT is authoritatively stated that Russia will compel Servia to throw
    up the sponge in the present conflict. This is the latest case of
    Tartar Emetic.


    FU.JI-JULf 26, 1876.

    7~~4 ~\j\

    ~ -,~

    I f7~




    Ju.T 26, 1876.)


    MARY, yes I know that you
    Love me with a love untiring,
    That you ever keep in view
    What you think I'm most desiring.
    Well I know your love is strong,
    Womanlike, and uncomplaining;
    May our lives dissever long
    Ere our love knows any waning.
    Mary, dear, I wouldn't ask
    Once again to be unmarried,
    In your smile I constant bask,
    By your side I've ever tarried.
    Never have I known regret
    Since the day when we were one made,
    Never have I murmured yet,
    Never wished the bargain unmade.
    Mary, how the years have fled,
    How old Time his flight's been winging
    Since the day that we were wed-
    Since the day when bells were ringing.
    Thirty years and more have flown,
    Tempus hasn't with us slumbered,
    Yet I, since you've been my own,
    Wouldn't have one day unnumbered.
    Mary, well our children know,
    How you tended, nursed, caressed them
    (Often, when our funds were low,
    I felt puzzled how you dressed them).
    Maybe, though, all that's forgot
    Since they've had to make their own way;
    Parents oftentime as not
    Have in age to take a lone way.
    Mary, we must not repine,
    All our care has not been thankless,
    Tom has asked us once to dine-
    Ted might flourish if he drank less.
    Both of us are hale and stout.

    ,Yes, I am an ancient clacker.
    "What's my dearest wish ?" No doubt-
    Half an ounce a day more 'backer!

    THE latest fashionable amusement, Ceiling Walking," seems
    likely to have as great a run as did the now extinct practice of
    drinking. Half-a-dozen specially prepared ceilings have been opened
    during the week in the West-End alone, and the shops are full of
    costumes designed for lady ceiling walkers. The medical profession
    are opposed to the pastime, inclining to the belief that the constant
    determination of blood to the head will in many cases be injurious to
    health. But what does Fashion care about health!
    News from France is satisfactory. Henry V. and Napoleon IV.
    continue to reign on alternate days, and Marshal MacMahon is presi-
    dent of the Republic on Sundays. Had this arrangement been made a
    year or two ago New Caledonia would still be kingless and His
    Majesty Gambetta the First would still be a republican deputy.
    We have much pleasure in calling the attention of our readers to a
    deserving case. Charles Jones, the signalman at Box 3479156 on the
    London and New York Submarine Tunnel Railway, has been laid up
    for two months with rheumatism caused by the constant dripping of
    the Atlantic on to the floor of his box. Subscriptions will be thank-
    fully received at I he Mid-Atlantic office of the company and acknow-
    ledged by the station-master.
    Wanted by a oung woman, aged twenty, a situation as plain cook;
    would be willing to fill up her spare time by giving lessons in Greek,
    Algebra, and figure-painting to the children. Address, Pupil, Board
    School, Mud Pogis.
    We have been favoured with the prospectus of the Mutton Chop
    Prize Union. The association is called into existence by the present
    prohibitory price of meat and is conducted upon the same principle as
    the Art Union. Subscribers of one guinea eech are guaranteed a
    chop, and have a chance of winning one of the big prizes, wiich -n-
    sist of joints, oxtails, and calves' heads. We wish the ,;w Umiwn
    every success. I



    Little Girl (whose father only smokes a short pipe, pointing to long elay):-
    Elder (who thinks she only means the beer):-" WHY, YES, AND TWO OR

    A mass meeting of the middle classes is to be held on the site of the
    Albert Hall on Sunday next, to protest against .the manner in which
    the aristocracy have recently monopolised the Court of Probate and
    Matrimonial Causes. A lady who has been waiting six months to get
    rid of her husband will take the chair. Several divorced peeresses
    will be in attendance and will address the meeting. I *,*
    Messrs. Turrets and Paddle have purchased the Stock Exchange, and
    propose to open it as an emporium for the sale of pure water at the
    price fixed by the recent Act, viz., 4d. a glass. Several dethroned
    sovereigns have been engaged as attendants, and nothing will be
    spared to ensure the comfort and gratification of the customers.
    29,565 people visited the British Museum on Sunday last.

    The Labour We Delight in Physics Pain."
    A woRKIxm man applied for magisterial advice and assistance the
    other day with regard to his wife. His complaint was that she was
    intolerably jealous, and worried him nearly to death. The magistrate
    advised this unhappy working man to be kind to his jealous wife; and
    the worthy stipendiary, not having to bear the infliction himself,
    doubtless thought that would be the best physical remedy for a mental
    disease. He also advised patience. We are not going to say why,
    but our opinion differs very much from thit of the magistrate; and
    should it happen that this same working man ever reads his Fun, we
    trust he will be guided by us, go to his bookshelf, take down his very
    best copy of the Arabian Nights, and read carefully, with the view of
    profiting well thereby, the lesson for weak-minded married men con-
    tained in the wise history of The Ox, the Ass, and the Labourer."

    No Billity.
    Tav. u. is no truth in the report that Mr. Millais has accepted a
    commission from Vice-Chancellor Malins to paint a picture When
    shall we three meet seain"; the portraits to be those of Lords
    Lewes and Bective and Mr. Roland Israel Gideon Barnett.


    42 _FUN. [JULY 26, 1876.


    ~- -7

    A Reason why one doesn't care to live on the banks of the Thames.

    A Reason why riverside landowners do not care for people to pic-nic on their property.

    MI 1, i I i I -- ii 'I '' i--,kt

    A Reason why it is better for ladies to keep away from the r:ver at all times.

    JA Y 26, 1876.]



    People discovered building houses for themselves below the level of the
    Thames. Enter an OBSERVER.
    SORsERER. Those are very nice little places you're building there,
    very nice. Only, I say, don't you think they're a bit below high-
    water mark ?
    BUILDERS. Oh, hum! well, yes, we suppose they are, ain't they ?
    OBnvER. I Don't think it's very judicious to build much below
    high-water mark, is it ?P Water might come in when the tide rises
    high-in fact, it's sure to.
    BrUILDER. Well-a-yes, we suppose it is. Bless our souls, yes!
    Never mind, we must do something to prevent the water coming in
    when the tide does rise. (They go on building.)
    A little time after. Midnight.
    CHORUS OF PEOPLE (who built the houses). Why, good gracious,
    it's risen to the first floor The tables and things are floating about,
    and there's no place to get to except on to the roof. What a dreadful
    visitation to be sure! If we can only escape this time, something
    must really be done to prevent the water getting in again!
    Extract from newspaper next day:-
    The flood has performed its worst exploits in the neighborhood
    of As the houses are mostly below the level of the river, the
    water flowed in freely, but the terrible extent of the calamity cannot
    as yet be estimated. As the inhabitants are now homeless, we feel it
    our duty to ask for subscriptions to be applied to the relief, &c., &c.
    It is really necessary that some steps should be taken in the future to
    prevent the water," &c., &c,
    SCENE: The House of Commons.
    A'c HON. MRMBER. .1I say, Mr. Speaker, that there now remains
    only one course to pursue; energetic measures must be taken to pre-
    vent a recurrence of this terrible calamity; something must be done,
    sir, to prevent this volume of water pouring into the homes of, &c., &c.
    S (Motion carried unanimously. The subject drops.)
    CHnnUS op PEOPLE (who built the house%). Well, we have had a
    nice time of it, to be sure! Nice state of things when people are to be
    visited by unavoidable calamities like this! Never mind, things look
    a little brighter now, the water's going down rapidly and they've
    raised a subscription for us. It will enable us to repair our houses.
    Come along.
    (They set to work to repair their houses below high-water mark. Enter
    the OBesxRER again.)
    OnsEzav Oh! you're making 'em look a deal better now; only,
    I say, don't you think it would be better to build 'em somewhere else
    above high-water mark? That water's such a pig-headed affair, it
    win/ find its own level, you know.
    CuoRus oF REPAIRERS. Oh, all right, we'll manage all that. We
    must do something or other to prevent the water getting in next time.
    (They go on repairing. Scene closes.)

    The Whole Hog.
    MR. JUSTICE KEOGH regrets that so historic a place as Limerick
    should be convulsed by twopenny-halfpenny rows; And adds, "on the
    Continent, when revolutions occur, people join them in earnest."
    The inhabitants of Limerick will be on their mettle after this we hope,
    and let Mr. Justice K. see a fight on the latest Continental system. Of
    course he won't object td the usual Continental butchering of the
    Justices to commmence with.
    THE MODERN MARCH or INTELLECT.-Calling a water cart a patent
    h3 drostatic van.

    Mr Ph) his, of course you remember the day
    When yourself and your Strephon together
    Went forth in our childishly innocent way
    For a stroll in the sweet sunny weather.
    Of course you remember (or can, if you try)
    That our names were not Strephon and Phyllis.
    Quite otherwise ;-mine was Ezekiel A. Guy,
    While your own, dear, was Emma J. Willis.
    We gazed with a loving but awe-stricken glance
    On the beauty that Nature discloses;
    We roamed the parterre, and our languid advance
    Was encumbered by lilies and roses.
    With buds and with roots, and with blossoms and shoots,
    Covent Garden's an Eden to enter;-
    What lips never moistened o'er Solomon's fruits
    In that avenue christened the Centre "?
    Descending a hillock we came to the stream
    And embarked on a fast-flying shallop;
    Then, swift as an image that floats through a dream,
    We were borne o'er the waves at a gallop.
    I made the remark that in Battersea Park
    There are corners to bill or to coo in ;-
    While steamers ply hither and thither till dark,
    And the fares are not absolute ruin.
    We dallied with Nature the whole merry day,
    For the whole merry day she enthralled us:
    The glow of the Occident faded in gray-
    And then Art in her majesty called us.
    Fair Nature awhile has the earth for domain,
    Bat the accents of Art can we smother?-
    We sat through the whole of Macbeth at the Lane,"
    And admired Barry Something-or-Other.
    So spent we in pastoral pleasures each hour-
    (I except the enchantments of Drury!)-
    And, though Rus in urbe was out of our pow'r,
    We transported our UTrbs into rure.
    Thus, thus will our days in our future go by;
    For, if Strephon be der to his Phyllis,
    As true as his name is Ezekiel A. Guy
    Hers will cease to be Emma J. Willis.

    The Cat Direct.
    THE Watch Committee of the town of Coventry recently recommended
    that a sum (f money ba paid to the relatives of a gentleman "who
    entered the force on the 3rd June, 1873, and who died on the 20th
    inst., pursuant to 22nd and 23rd Vic." The ancient town of Coventry
    has in its time been remarkable for not a few things, but we did not
    know it boasted an Act for the obliteration of its officials. Under such
    circumstances, we should recommend that when some of our own force's
    members become too clever as well as too active and efficient, they
    should be literally, and not merely figuratively, sent to Coventry."

    Lifted by the Way.
    THE Hawick Advertiser, properly proud but somewhat oblivious,
    informs its readers that on Thursday last two different excursior 1
    passed through Hawik, lifting passengers as they went." That the
    two excursions boing two were not one and the same we admit freely,
    but we doubt very much if even the most hard-headed of Scotchmen
    would care to be "lifted" by flying excursions "as they went."
    Notwithstanding the fact, as detailed further on, that these same
    excursions were making the best of their way to that paradise of ll
    true Scotchmen, the English metropolis.

    Novelties in Journalism.
    WE much regret that, in consequence of an accident, we are unable
    this week to present our readers with facsimiles of the late Wimble-
    don targets. We lent them to a daily contemporary, who most
    improperly allowed them to get mixed up with his letterpress. We
    have, however, secured the hobnailed boots of a competitor, and pur-
    pose giving an exact impression of the soles in our next.

    Ia Case of Accidents.
    THE Admiralty have directed three vessels of the Channel Squadron
    to return to England and have their defects made good. It is earnestly
    to be desired that one ship at least'.iay at once be placed in the
    British Museum, that we may be certain of retaining a specimen of
    the modern man.of-war for the instruction and warning of the next


    [JULY 26, 1876.

    Mr. Quellpoor (who is returning thanks for his health and the manner he has kept down outdoor relief"):-" GENTLEMEN,-HAVING NEARLY
    A CLAIM TO THE OVERSEERS TOR A 3aw SBET!" [Great Applause.

    IT is rumoured that the anti-vivisectionists and other soft-hearted
    old dears are horrified to discover that people are still cruel enough to
    drink beer while its head's on. Ninety-nine letters from ladies were
    received the other morning at the office of the leading journal pro-
    testing against a reference to breaking butterflies on wheels as being
    absolutely criminal and likely to lead the lower classes into acts of
    unwonted cruelty. Also a summons was applied for against a livery-
    stable keeper by a lady resident in Mayfair, who happened to hear
    him say he had a horse in his place eating his head off. In the grand
    match at pigeons between Captain Boltwig and Captain Brag, the
    former killed seventy and the latter seventy-five. (N.B.-All birds
    are reckoned dead that can't fly out of bounds.) Both the noble
    captains hit many more pigeons, but they managed to crawl or drop
    outside the limit.

    The "Old Man" Eloquent.
    A wmEKr contemporary compliments Mr. Albert Grant upon his
    dramatic eloquence" in some recent proceedings. Tramatic, would
    have been a happier word; we can see nothing wonderful in the fact
    that a gentleman who has been used to the Boards all his life should
    be able to act a bit.

    Beginning too Soon.
    DuRING the Centennial rejoicings an old man, George Whittier by
    name, in the fulness of his heart and the regimentals he used to wear
    fifty years ago, rode into the town of Biddeford, Me. Some young
    men, whose memories did not halt half-way in the century, threw
    stones at the old gentleman, who fell off his horse and received such
    injuries that he died soon afterwards. General opinion is to the effect
    that he had no right to intrude his comparatively modern associations
    upon a people engaged in the solemn duty of celebrating a century of
    peace, goodwill, and love to all men. He should have waited till his
    turn came round.

    In the Street.
    ToM. I say, 'Arry, who's this here King and Queen of the Hel-
    lenes as is a-going about ?
    'A yr. I don't know. I been a-looking on the map ever so long
    for it. I 'spect its a group o' islands like the Barbadoses.
    Now Ready, the Thirtieth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
    Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
    Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.

    Postal Telegraph Pens
    With Turned-up Points.
    The smootbhet writer ever made.
    Of all Stttloner,. Sampl Boxe frr 3 orl3 13 in R

    Pnz-ethe Mchines ,l deoedont ae to I Tlle1^1 ndeT>Lend0 1 ISEW ING
    , r atf,-.id, Yinrhire. JMAC HINES PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
    "ARE THE VERY BEST-." -ifA o'11' CuTioe.-If Ce.oatk tk.. i. eait... aoes eia..r.
    W~rnted by JDTO & CO., Phwoai Works, qt. Aat4ow's Hill Doctors' 0ommons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.0.-LonLdo, July 28, 186.


    Soxa idiots boast of our civilization,
    And strive to assure us we've greatly progressed,
    Affirming that England's a sensible nation-
    Such long-headed notions one's bound to detest.
    The scientists tell us they're wiser than ever,
    And speak of a man as they'd speak of a toy,
    Whilst some believe schoolboards are making us 4lever,-
    We hadn't such rubbish when I was a boy !
    Then children were children, not fast or precocious,
    And didn't transgress the obedience-rule;
    Now juvenile conduct is something atrocious-
    Mere boys smoke cigars and play billiards and pool!
    Girls then didn't study the follies of fashion,
    But tatting and knitting their time would employ,
    The modern young lady puts one in a passion,-
    Ah, women had wisdom when I was a boy!
    Just look at the reading young people go in for-
    Devouring all novelists "naughty and fast.
    Now Robinson Crusoe they don't care a pin for,
    And Sandford and Merton's a thing of the past.
    Their menu consists of sensational courses,
    And Ouidas and Broughtones their appetites cloy;
    They rush for the papers to study divorces,-
    They wouldn't have done so when I was a boy!
    And notice again how the drama has faded,
    Its time-honoured glories are scattered and fled;
    By frivolous pieces the boards are degraded-
    Poor Madame Melpomene's dying, or dead!
    Irecollect Kean, and Macready, and Kemble-
    The kind of performers a man could employ.
    Egad! they would make all the audience tremble,-
    Ah, actors were actors when I was a boy I!
    With modern behaviour I'm simply disgusted,
    The number of cads is increasing each day;
    Society's rules are with humbug encrusted,
    And Mammon's the monarch who carries the sway.
    Though hundreds are left in this opulent nation,
    For Famine, fierce demon, to gnaw and destroy,
    'Tis reckoned a crime if they yield to temptation-
    Bah! people had feelings when I was a boy!

    WHEN your plans are frustrated for want of money
    what metal does the fact resemble P-Tin-foil.

    '-" ^ c -_, s(

    Bather :-" SAvE ME IF A'M DOOMED, JocK !"
    Bather :-" WBIL, A'LL JUST YELL OOTI "

    THE Duke of Invective has entered into partnership with Absalom
    Nebuchadnezzar, Efq., tf Lincoln's-inn, the well-known financial
    agent. The noble discounter is certain of considerable aristocratic
    Lady Marmaduke Ringslave's dance at Beaten-square is postponed
    for a fortnight, her ladyship's face having been severely contused in a
    souffle with his lordship.
    Colonel Boozy, of the Grenadines, was yesterday fined forty shillings
    at Bow-street for assaulting the doorkeeper at the Naeguile Rooms.
    He presided at the complimentary dinner to Duke of Wentbridge in
    the evening.
    Master Snoggs, of Seven Dials, had the honour of playing on the
    whistle before Her Majesty yesterday at Windsor Castle. Her
    Majesty was pleased to express her great approval of Master Snogg's
    skill as exhibited in The Ratcatcher's Daughter" with variations.
    Lord George Skinflint has quite recovered from the injury to his arm
    which he received while carrying his grocery home from the Civil
    Service Stores last Saturday evening.

    Suiteable Time.
    A PAPER states that "last night the King and Queen of the
    Hellenes, with a brilliant suite, went out." Being night, brilliancy
    which might otherwise have been unnoticeable was made obvious to
    the meanest capacity. Perhaps it's at night when our own illustrious
    customers exhibit the dazzling powers for which they draw the pay.
    Even then we fancy the night must be at its darkest.

    & Corker.
    THE police are to have cork helmets. Then a fair description of a
    Robert's head will be an "airey adornment with nothing in it, and
    next to nothing on it.

    WHEN Fashion's devotees are growing slack in their devotion,
    When "honourable members" are becoming rather tired
    Of asking others Whether," and concluding with a motion,"
    And lodgings in the country are with difficulty hired-
    I pack a bag designed to pass the Custom House officials,
    And yearly, by a solemn vow irrevocably bound,
    I try to find a spot where Mr. Thomas Smith's initials
    Will not with an exasperating certainty be found.
    There's nothing yet but failure has rewarded my researches;
    The irritating letters are ubiquitous as air,
    They're stuck about on monuments, in catacombs and churches,
    With terrible profusion that impels me to despair.
    In pencil on the ceilings-with a ring on window-glasses-
    In books at inns in pen-and-ink provokingly they lie,
    In innermost recesses of the wildest mountain passes
    And cities we are told to see and (subsequently) die."
    I've found them at Lodore and many other tourist places,
    As well as Copenhagen, Connemara, and 0-ban;
    I've seen them ornamenting the Canovan group of Graces,
    The leaning tower of Pisa and cathedral of Milan.
    In letters very lengthy and inordinately big, he
    Has carved them on the woodwork of-and certainly with skill-
    The hospice of St. Bernard, the hotel upon the Righi,
    The seats upon the summit of his native Primrose Hill.
    In spite of all the trouble, though, I give myself about them,
    Alone, or with a company, or only with a pal,
    I've failed s' unremittingly to find a place without them
    That often it's occurred to me to think I never shall.
    But something to my brain has found a recent penetration
    Which fills one with a soberly anticipative glee:
    The Golden Horn has possibly escaped the desecration-
    I'm packing up my carpet bag and going there to see.

    VOL. XXIV.

    AvouaT 2, 187.]


    FUl OF.FICB, Weedesday, August 2, 1876.
    'MID heat and through strife of political life
    The season had run to its ending,
    The House was at one to get everything done
    So that holidays all should be spending.
    Many Innocents' claims and Conservative games,
    Many antics officially clever,
    Were arranged in a trice, for the prospect was nice
    And 'twas time from St. Stephen's to sever.
    For 'tis easy to bring all your work to a close,
    If as soon as it's done you obtain your repose.
    Through trouble and toil and 'mid Tory turmoil
    John Bull had been anxiously waiting,
    Intending to know ere away they'd all go
    The good of incessantly pratmng;
    Of prating all day when there's nothing to say,
    Of prating all night when there's less still,-
    But demented and dumb, and astonished and glum,
    He finds there's a deuce of a mess still.
    And Johnny tries hard to see what has been done:
    He asks Am I Master ? That's only his fun.
    FROM the Goodwood Meeting, just now consigned to the category
    of things that were, there is much to be deduced beyond the actual
    horse-racing results. For Goodwood marks an event to a large number
    of very worthy people who never saw a horse-race, and who only
    know horses because of the harness on them. That butterfly portion
    of the populace to whom the pursuit of Fashion is one dreary and
    monotonous everyday round, which may commence with Youth at
    the helm but never ends with Pleasure at the prow-that gilded circle
    of Society which looks upon London as a place of residence not for all
    time but only for time being-finds that the utmost length of its
    metropolitan tether has been reached by the time the first saddling
    bell rings out its signal for a Goodwood race and sounds the knell of
    another season. Long before now all people who have any pre-
    tensions to quality have done up their front blinds and furniture in
    their accustomed wrappings and betaken themselves to perpetual picnics
    in the cool and umbrageous country, unless, indeed, the res angusta domi
    has insisted that the campaign shall consist simply of bivouacks in
    back rooms. And that people do live stealthily in attics and kitchens
    while pretending to be abroad anyone who chooses to visit fashionable
    localities in the cool of the evening can see for himself. With the cats
    and the desire for supper beer on the part of charwomen and board
    wagers, he will see the supposed travellers slink out for their nocturnal
    airing. We do not pretend to understand the ins and outs of so-
    called fashirnab'e life, or the extraordinarily crooked ways of those
    who fain would be its followers, who might be happy and comfortable
    in common quarters with commoner people, but who make themselves
    miserable for life trying to hang on by their eyelids where they are
    not wanted. Perhaps it is as well we do not; but anyhow we have
    been informed by one who should know that at this season of the
    year there is a large trade done in burning glasses, which are used for
    no other purpose than to bronze and blister the complexions of those
    who would otherwise become pale through pining in back Id chens and
    back attics, but who thereby make the very most of what sun they do
    get. And when we consider how small is the proportion of the
    people that is able, no matter how anxious, to get from town just now,
    and how large are the interests involved by Parliamentary procedure,
    it really does seem as if somewhat indecent haste were being mani-
    fested by the Commons to get rid of its work at any risk, and enjoy an
    ill-. earned holiday rather than no holiday at all.
    A STAT3MENT published in the Eveirn.qg Standard about one of its
    sub-editors having tampered with a tell gram is a paltry way out of a
    paltry business-in attempt on the part of a paper to dissociate itself
    from the act of one who was ipso fac'o the Iaper while he was
    allowed charge of it. With regard to Mr. Atter the case was
    different, and there was nothing foolish about a reference to a being
    who possessed a name and was known to have an existence. To
    journalists generally the question arises, What phase of Conservative
    principle their duties asl o tamper with telegrams- a'ter they have once appeared!
    To us the occurrence most suggestive of how things are done on the
    Stand rd is that the very morning after the tampered telegram
    announcement appeared, a leader was allowed to commence: "If the
    telegrams are to be believed-and it sometimes happens in these daa/s that
    then are not- ." It would be indeed an anti-climax to add anything
    to this.

    (AuoG T 2, 1876.

    WE have received the following sketch for a tragedy (founded on
    fact) from our disgusted Pedestrian:-
    (.A TOURIST sets out hopefully from his native city. He smokes. His
    hair is brown, curly, and luxuriant. He has no care-lines on his face.
    His step is light and buoyant. He smiles in anticipation of enjoyment,
    and does not feel the weight of his knapsack. Be journeys some miles,
    and comes to cross-roads. He feels for his map ; he has forgotten
    i to bring it. He does not care : he will enquire his way. A PEAsAnT
    THE TOURIST (amiably). Good morning. Can you tell me the way
    to Blank ?
    (The PEASANT giggles respectfully.)
    THE TOURIST (kindly). Can you direct me to Blank ?
    THE PEASANT (humbly, yet genially). Hur! Hur! Hur !
    THE TouRIST (patiently). To Blank.
    THE PEASANT. Ut's a long waay frum earabowts, ain't ut ?
    THE TouRIrT. Yes, yes, of course it is-we know that; but is it to
    the right ?
    THE PEASANT. Ees; 'a spoase ut is.
    (The TouIsrT hesitates, then takes the road to the left. He finds a
    direction-post; he's on the right road. He meets another PEASANT.)
    THE TOURIST (gaily). You know Blank ?
    SECOND PEASANT (slowly). E-ees; 'a lives there.
    THE ToURIbT (with beaming good humour). How far is it ?
    SECOND PEASANT. Oo, ut's a larng waay off. Matter o' three mile
    -aah, pretty near fower!
    (The TovRIST strides onwards for four miles or so. There are no signs
    of Blank. He meets yet another PEASANT.)
    THE TouRIST (lovingly). You know Blank ?
    THIRD PEASANT (after rJfltion). No-o-o-'a can't say 'a- Oh
    ah! Yes, 'a du 'a lives there.
    THE TOURIST. How far do you reckon it from here ?
    THIRa PEASANT (staring wilaly). 'Ow faar ?
    THE TouBIST (emphatically). YES. HOW FAR?
    THIRD PEASANT. Oh, well; if yer say 'owfaar, 'a shudsay it was a
    goodish waay off-ah, nearabowt seven mile!
    (The TOURIST trudges on again; but he looks older now. His hair is
    thinner, and he feels the weight of his knapsack. He is angry
    with his pipe. He walks about seven miles, and meets another
    THE TOURIST. How far is Blank?
    FUURTH PEASANT. Bla-a-a-a-nk ? Whoy, ut's a very larng waay 'a
    shud saay; 'a lives there. Maybe, ut's a matter o'-wot?-ten
    mile-a good ten mile.
    (The TOURIST plods on again. His hair is grey. He throws his knap-
    sack away, and curses hts p'pe. .Bis eye is wild. He goes two miles
    and comes to a village. group of PEASANTS stand at an inn.)
    THE TOURIST. Do you know Blank?
    THE PEASANTS. Ees. We lives there, we du.
    THE TOURIST. How much further is it along this road?
    THE PEASANTS chucklingg reverently). We doant know uzackly-ut
    caarnt be varry faar.
    (The TOURIST passes through the village and pursues the road for
    another five miles. His breast heaves pain fully. There is the light of
    incipient madness in his eye. HBe meets a FEMALE.)
    THE TOURIST. Female! Where is Blank ?
    Ta' FEMALE. Blank!! Why, you're a-walking right away from
    it! You must ha' come through it! It's jest five miles back on the
    way you've come.
    (TIe TOUBIlT turns back. He does not sob. He does not swear. His
    eye is fetaful to gaze upon; it gives one a turn. Be arrives once mov e
    at the village he passed through. It is the village of .Blank!)
    (The Central Criminal Court. A TOUBIST is being tried for Jcarjid
    crimes. He has depopulated the village (f Blank, ai.d attempted
    suicide. lHe is oppatently an old, old man, and insane; though he
    gives his age as thirty.)
    (Ihe scene is too painful! The CUnTAIN falls.)

    We are so delighted with the accounts which our own Pedesirian
    tas been lately sending us respecting the intelligence of our Peasantry
    that we have serious thoughts of setting on foot a acheme fora Peasant
    Show, at wt.ich piizE-s might be awarded for: (1) Personal and Lccal
    Knowledge, and (2) General Knowledge. This would of course
    necessitate an examination, in which the questions might be somewhat
    as follow:-


    First Prize: A Gallon of Beer. Second Prize: Two Ounces of Shag.
    . Q'tions :-1. Do you know your own name P
    2./ Do you know where you live ?
    3. Have you any idea whether you are married or not ?
    4. Do you know your right hand from your left ?
    If one English peasant in ten were found to answer three out of
    four of these questions, the competition might well be reckoned a
    success. The questions in the next section are somewhat more
    First Prize: Two Gallons of Beer. Second Prize: Half-a-pound of Shag.
    Questions:-1. Is there a world beyond your village ?
    (No guessing allowed. The question must be answered at once.)
    2. What is the name of the next village ?
    3. Is London a person or something to eat ?
    4. (Very difficult-the final lcst.) What is the difference between
    a hoe and a haystack ?

    CosM all you gallant Turkish men who have a cheek to pale,
    Or heart to do a quiver when ~ou hear a horrid tale;
    Just lay your pipes and sherbet by and read the dread array
    Of outrages on Christian folks on English ground to-day.
    I know you've done some naughty things upon Bulgarian soil,
    You've chopped up young Circassian maids and minced the sons of toil;
    But then the foe is at your gates, the dogs of war are loose,
    While over here our "massacres" are wrought without excuse.
    You would not think, my gentle Turks, to hear our spouters talk,
    That fouler murders far than yours are everywhere we walk-
    That in a time of smiling peace our fighting-decks are red,
    And strewn with gory fragments of the d) ing and the dead.
    You would not think that crass neglect had hurled them to the tomb,
    For lack of something to be done-but no one knows by whom;-
    That women wan and worn and weak-poor mothers, daughters, wives,
    Are starved to death by guardians we pay to save their lives;-
    That noble dames of spotless fame before our judges go
    To claim release from titled brutes, with many a bruise to show;-
    That toiling fathers hang themselves behind their cottage doors
    The School Board bloodhound to escape, who shows his fangs and roars;-
    That all our streets are filled with crime, our houses choked with vice,
    That e'en our Softas, as a rule, are naughtier than nice.
    You would not think a land which treads so hard on Christian toes
    Would rave about atrocities" because you kill your foes.
    Come all you gallant Turkish men who note the speeches made
    By easy-chair philanthropists whose charity's a trade;
    Just bid them read their new-papers and leave the Turk alone,
    There is no land where Christian folk are tortured like our own.

    Words not -.
    COLONEL DEEDEs when issuing his address to the electors of East
    Kent, promised the Government a hearty and general support. The
    offer does not come a mom nt before it was needed by the Govern-
    ment, for at present its Deedes do anything but support it.

    Association of Ideas.
    COMPLAINTS are made by the police of Liverpool that Irish christen-
    ings are fruitful causes of drunken rows in that city. Giving it a
    name is a ceremony not altogether unassociated with drink in places
    less frequented by the sons of Erin.

    Hard-Headed Jocularity.
    THE Spectator, apropos of a Scotch journalist's death, publishes a
    dissertation on Scotch humour. Like the Scotch humour of which
    it treats, the dissertation is only to be understood by the initiated-
    and the Scotch.
    Rather Warm.
    TIMEs are very bad just now. Men once notorious for their wealth
    are talking about getting a little outdoor relief.

    THE REAL Salle VOLATILE.-The Argyll Rooms.

    IT was hot- it was;evening-it was India.
    The orb of day had arrauged itself into as near an imitation of the
    late Mr. Turner's sunsets as it dared to without fear of exciting the
    derision of the critical natives.
    The drowsy mosquito began to hum a tune and think about supper.
    The natives of the Ganges, annoyed at the reflections of the sun, cast
    them indignantly back into its teeth. The jaguar and the baboo,
    peering from the j ngle, sharpened their teeth on the rocks and con-
    versed in whispers on the scarcity of meat.
    And afar off, wearily wagging his head and biting his thumb, sat
    Pachyorotter the Veddah, he of the laughingless mouth and the eye
    that smiled not-ever dull to the jokes of the moment, native and
    foreign- dead to the wit of the Parliament Houses, the Bar, and the
    Pulpit-born to defy all the art of a Lawson or Whalley,-a regular
    But he wanted to laugh and couldn't. He never saw anything to
    laugh at.
    Who is that with a helmet on hTs brow, beautifully and artistically
    posing in a bright red coat among the bright green grass with a bright
    black boot on a bright brown tiger ?
    It is he. He of the land *here his mother reigns, and has taken a
    title that only is mentioned in whispers. He of the smiling face and
    ever illumined cigar.
    He is a spoiled child of fortune. Tigers have been stuffed that he
    may shoot them. Elephants have been trained to fall at the crack of
    a rifle that he may fancy he knocks them over; and now one thing
    only is wanting to complete his happiness. He wants to see a
    Veddah laugh.
    Vain hitherto have been the efforts of the courtiers. The Viceroy
    has stood on his head and mooed like a cow. Obese native princes
    have accepted Scotch runs at the hands of obese Prime Ministers.
    The Chief Justices have given the prisoners a ride-a-cock-horse to
    Banbury-croms. The Admiral of the Fleet has climbed a greasy monu-
    ment for a leg of mutton.. The Veddah has seen it all, and has not
    He' sall laugh," passionately exclaimed the heir to the whispered
    title. "I will take him back to England and make him!"

    It is hot-it is noon-it is England.
    Nay, more; it is a towneculein Surrey.
    Sitting in a large room with the window open are grave gentlemen
    who bob up and down, and solemn gentlemen with pencils, and
    pompous gentlemen with pens and ink, and a mixed crowd of ladies
    and gentlemen neither grave nor solemn, with their opera-glasses
    poised, and their mouths wide open, waiting to laugh.
    And among them, with his mouth as open as the rest, sits the
    Veddah. The Veddah has laughed consumedly, and will laugh again
    How can he help it ?
    Comedies, farces, and opera-bouffe have been tried in vain. The
    stage, the circus, and the music-halls never caused a twitch of the
    solemn mouth. But this affair is so merry, so thoroughly waggish,
    that he is conquered at last.
    Lo, one of the counsel (this is an inquest, if you please) is going
    to chaff the medical man who made the post-mortem. How the people
    roar! How the other counselroar! Now they've got a poor serving-
    man inthe box. When they get him in a corner and badger him, how
    the roof rings with merriment at his discomfiture.
    What fun these inquests are, ain't they ? Ah! Another joke.
    How that fat juryman enjoys it. No wonder he has to hold his sides.
    Laughter! Laughter! Laughter I! Only the history of a poor
    fellow's last hours of agony, and only the ghastly details of the con-
    tents of awful jars, only a barbarous crime sugges'ed by every
    question that falls from those merry lips. Ah, now the counsel ate
    going to quarrel. One of them has laughed at a learned brother
    instead of with him. Shameful! Mr. Coroner must stop such
    unseemly conduct. Soh, gently! Now it's all right again. The
    jokes are falbng thick and fast, and every face is beaming. The
    Veddah laughs with the rest, he positively howls with delight.
    Who can wonder at it P
    If a modern inquest didn't make even a Veddah laugh it would be
    unworthy the glorious British system which makes a court of justice
    a place of public amusement, and the Bar the public's favoured and
    privileged clowns.

    How it's Done!
    THE SefierlMnd Post among its births chronicles that of Mary
    Coulson, aged 80 years." This is, it seems to us, one of the ways
    by which so many centenarians are made now.

    Perfectly Pell-lucid.
    IT is stated that in consequence of Mr. Pell's clause, School Boards
    will come to grief Pell-mell.

    AV'ouT 2, 1876.]

    48 FTJ" A ST 2,1876.

    THREE I!"

    WITNESS in an important trial" doesn't recollect." His forgetful-
    ness reminds students of modern history of a still more important trial :
    " Non mi Rcardo." = Three more synagogues to be erected in London.
    Yet sin seems quite enough agog as things are now. Mr. S.
    Morley, M.P., is ordered rest." A very good remedy, taken in large
    doses. It would do several other M.P.'s we know a lot of good-and
    wouldn't harm their constituencies. = New Midland route to Scotland
    immensely successful. All people who believe in cash payments are
    bound to give a preference to the way of Settle Mr. Allport doubtless
    foresaw this. = Man fined five shillings for working a horse in a
    thoroughly diseased state. Another man fined a pound for thrashing
    his wife. (Moral obvious, as reader happens to be married or single). =
    Globe reports narrow escape of the Queen of the Belgians." Her
    ponies ran away and dashed the front part ef the carriage to pieces
    against a cart. The Queen's narrow escape consisted in her being
    absent from the carriage on this occasion Near enough for the Glabe,
    though. = Clergyman threatens to shoot a captain-and produces the
    weapon. "As the parties were related the magistrate suggested the
    case should be settled outside the court." Should like to hear the
    same magistrate on Bill Nokes or Jack Styles who had threatened to
    "punch." Sultan of Turkey anxious to abdicate. Evidently he
    doesn't think a dead dog half as good as a live lion-or as a live any-
    thing, for the matter of that. = Another death through excessive



    drinking. This is hardly fair. No one ever records the deaths
    through excessive drouth Spee'al Commissioner sent by Turkey to
    seat of war to suppress excesses. Wonder what constitutes his notion
    of excesses, remembering what has so far been tolerated. Mr.
    Jonathan Jones is already at work on a picture for exhibition in next
    year's Academy. It meets with the warmest approval of Mr.
    Snobbington Snooks. The subject is allegorical, but the treatment is
    not yet decided on.

    Lame Honours.
    SIR SALAI JuNo has been created a D.C.L. As he was carried into
    the Oxford Theatre on a sofa, and had to hobble across the floor on
    crutches, with a visible howl of pain upon his features, the principal
    degree conferred upon him during the ceremony, we should imagine,
    we s a degree of discomfort.

    On the Cards.
    THE Corporation of London recently crossed the Solent in a yacht
    lent by the Admiralty for the purpose. The report that Lord Elcho
    considered the offer an unjust interference with his Municipal Bill is
    SHOULD Auld Acquaintance be Forgot ?-It should-often.

    FIUN.- AUGUST 2, 1876.


    I. _






    7Z /

    AvausT 2, 1876.] F N 51

    MY MIND.
    I wifS, tholegh a girl, I had got
    The logical mind of a man.
    But now I must do--as I've not-w 'i
    STheibest with my own that I can.
    Yetdoing.the best I can do,
    Decisions I constantly find
    Impossible things to come to-
    I never can make up my mind!
    Augustus has asked me to be
    His wife-he has plenty of gold;
    Lord William is poor, but you see
    His father's a marquis-and old!
    I don't care for either a pin!
    I don't know for which I'm inclined;
    I halt between title and "tin"-
    I never shall make up my mind!
    Affection, of course, I despise-
    I marry Position alone.
    I hope I am rather too wise
    To love any poor and unknown! p
    Alas I am in such distress!
    Fate gives me-'tis very unkind !'
    A person to make up my dress,
    But no one to make up my mind!

    Ready Wit.
    NoT having a speaking trumpet on board, the com-
    mander of a South-coast revenue cruiser had a Common
    Man shot on board a lugger which he wished should be
    hove to. The result was entirely satisfactory, and the
    Common Man is in the Haslar Hospital, receiving all the
    care and attention his case deserves. The commander of
    the revenue cruiser will doubtless be complimented onf -
    the ready and able manner in which he made another
    vessel suffer for a deficiency in the furnishing of his
    The Claims of Birth. A.
    A WOMAN named Gentry was remanded the other day
    on a charge of leaving her child to die on a doorstep. A USEFUL RELATION.
    The worthy magistrate ordered that she should have a Odd Jobber: -"I wISH I'D GOT MY BROTHER ON THIS HEElR JOB WIT MR."
    cab to the House of Detention. The claims of Gentry'
    cannot of course be overlooked even on a charge of Inquiring Employer:-" WHY, MY MAN, YOUR BROTHER SPECIALLY t"
    child desertion. 0. :-" WELL, YE 15E, SIa, HaBs GOT A RARE CHEEK ON RIM,

    UNFOUNDED RUMOURS. Profoundly Prophetic.
    THAT Mr. Browning has been invited by the president and council A NOTTINGHAM jury has-if the authority of the local journal he
    of the Veterinary College to lecture on How We Worked in Dis- anything-just returned a verdict at once novel and extremely true.
    temper." That Dr. Kenealy has applied to go over the Thunderer on Though space, like life, is short, we cannot afford to curtail this
    account of his connection with a Stoke-hole. That the British fleet is utterance of one letter of its fair proportions. Mr. Wilson died
    kept in Besika Bay to annoy Mr. Jenkins. That Sultan Murad won't from injuries received by him in jumping out of a window whilst in
    ,o to the Mosque 0! because it's so suggestive of Russia. That the an unsound state of mind, but death would have taken place eventually
    Emperor of Brazil made jokes all over the British Museum, and tried if he had not received these injuries." Eventually, yes. Then out
    to be a perfect cure. That he wasn't appreciated because his con- spake brave Horatius, the captain of the gate, To every man upon
    doctors were cure'aters. That Lord Henry Lennox won't put his this earth, death cometh soon or late." Mark the similarity of all
    servants on board wages because it reminds him of a recent bereave- great minds! And perhaps in the days that are to come, the Trent-
    ment. That Marshal MacMahon has become an honorary member of side hero may, thanks to his jurymen, rank higher on the roll of fame
    the St. Luke's Republican Club. That pictures for exhibition are than even he who worshipped Father Tiber.
    being framed fqr the convenience of abstractors. That the College of
    Surgeons have offered the Turks 1 a head for Christian prisoners for Bow-how.
    the purposes of vivisection. That Mr. Albert Grant will appear every A HOLIDAY writer, describing a fog at sea, says his ship passed
    evening on Leicester-square in "Twycross v. Grant," supported by another ship so close that the barking of a dog could be heard on
    Lord Coleridge and a talented company. That the naughty sub- board. Distinctly, this time. It is proposed that the one dog who
    editor of the Stadard who "fakes"the telegrams and the naughty has been the means of showing ships their relative positions in
    City editor of the same paper, have been Sent to Philadelphia as thousands of marine fogs (on paper) shall at last be pensioned off,
    specimens of Conservative journalism. and find sweet rest and retirement in a suitable spot. We will be the
    absolute first to propose, Barking.
    Machine Made.
    TaE subject of the essay for the Cobden Prize at Cambridge for the The Governor's Tip.
    ensuing year is to be "The Effect of Machinery on Wages." As a THE Governor of Sophia telegraphs recently, "The servant of the
    preliminary step, the effect of machinery on what is to become wages Tapon and the Zaptihwho accompanied him hve been assassinated."
    is best seen at the Mint. Commended to intending'contributors. Sophia's governor is evidently pointing the moral that the servant
    inwho leaves a Tapon and goes out with a Zaptieh runs risks. He does
    not say if it was Tapon the head that settled them.
    Veaetian tlind-man's buff. THE BasT WAY TO LIVE Ie HOT WEATHER.-Don't die.


    [Ai dvT 2, 1876.

    I MADE an old Fisherman friendly with ale;
    He told me the following beautiful tale.
    What so recommends it to me is the ring
    Of native simplicity marking the thing-
    A story of homely, nay commonplace, life:
    It treats of no moral or physical strife.
    To lovers of empty sensational trash
    I own that the story is wanting in "dash,"
    And yearners for scandal will find in its page
    No element like to attract-or engage.
    (Of course, as a personal matter, you know,
    The tale to my thinking is norritly slow;
    I'm fond of a tale with a palpable spice
    Of morbid grotesquery, madness, and vice.)
    The cynic, in reading the story, will own
    It's sweet in conception and moral in tone,
    Though shallow pretenders unable to cull
    Its beautiful lessons may reckon it dull.
    I'm sure of the story's appealing to youth
    Because of its simple adhesion to truth;
    I'm certain the story will captivate age,
    Because it is practical, solid, and sage.
    I found'it so very engaging and terse
    I straightway determined to put it in verse;
    With ready benevolence, touching and grand,
    The elderly Fisherman lent me a hand.
    As soon as the pith of the story I'd writ
    The elderly Fisherman edited it.
    He finished it off as it suited his whim,
    And added expressions occurring to him.

    There lay by the marge'of the billowy deep,
    Pursuing arrangements for dozing to sleep,
    A holiday-making swell
    Intent upon snoozing his holiday out
    Beside of the ocean, which tumbles about
    (And wonderful deep as well).
    But jovial sons of the boisterous main
    They came and they pretty well druv him insane.
    Come out for a sail," they said.
    (It grieves the narrator extremely to tell
    They thought it would make him extremely unwell
    And dizzy about the head!)
    "Provided I come for a nautical ride,
    How far shall I go for a shilling ? he cried-
    Say, when shall we sail until P "
    " We'll sail," they replied, in a beautiful smack,
    And never go dreaming of bringing you back
    Until you are dreadful ill."
    But there was a something particular sly
    Pervading that Landsman's intelligent eye
    As into the boat got he:
    And then, while the evening shadows were gray,
    That vessel she bounded away and away
    Atop o' the pathless sea.

    0 why stood that Fisherman wringing his hands
    And fixing his gaze on his vanishing sands ?
    0 why, in her sea-girt nest,
    Resounded the petrel's expressions of woe,
    And why were the hurricanes gathering so
    Away to the sou'-sou'-west P
    For the space of an hour-of a day- of a week,
    The Fisherman gazed at his Passenger's cheek
    For signs of internal strife;
    But there was the Passenger singing a song,
    And puffing cigars as were terrible strong,
    With all the sangfroyde in life !

    No more did that rollicking Fisherman gloat;
    That Fisherman's chuckle was lost in his throat-
    His season of joy was past: ,
    He thought of his young 'uns at Margate afar.
    That Passenger lighted another cigar,
    Much pow'rfuller than the last!
    A number of times they were fatally wrect,
    Which that's what you'd certingly up and expect
    A ricketty smack to do.
    That Passenger never got green in the cheek;
    His cubas got pow'rfuller every week,
    And bigger and ranker too.

    AUGUST 2, 1876.]


    You see, he'd incessantly sailed on the sea-
    A wild privateer, as a kiddy of three
    And as a mature adult;
    And during his leisure I haven't a doubt
    He'd studied the way to be'shaken about
    Without any bad result.
    Through calmand through tempest.they wearily stole ,
    Across the Equator and on to the Pole:
    That Fisherman out and sai ... -
    "I'm getting thit sick of a wandering life:
    .Do let me go home to my kiddies and wife-
    I 0h I was regular dead!"
    The Passenger niver was softened a jot,
    But lighted the Strongest cigar of the lot:
    That shilling," he said, ain't earned."
    "That shilling," said he, "you miiist forfeit," he said.
    The Fisherman moodily nodded his head,
    And homeward again they turned.
    For seventy summers they'd traversed th main,
    And Margate was gone when they reaoheId't again-
    Was gone from the boatman's view:
    The people who knew him had long given out:
    That Fisherman had to be thinking about
    Beginning his life anew.

    Inn-deed I !
    AN enterprising publican in a fit of gush and enthusiasm, doubtless
    induced by the recent thirsty weather, advertises in the leading
    journal:-" But that the old English term inn is now never given to
    first-class houses, it certainly should be applied to this, for- ."
    And then follows a potboiling panegyric. It doesn't seem to strike
    the disinterested writer that he gives the best possible reason for
    retaining the "Old English" title.

    &c., &c.
    IN a local contemporary a correspondent asks, Who is responsible
    for this iniquity P I am, sir, &c." What, in the name of the marked
    scarcity of common sense now so plentiful, does a man want to write
    conundrums for and then answer them himself, even if the amusement
    be only taken in a small local paper I And to follow suit we are also,
    &c., and awaiting a reply.

    BRowN, whose notion of a story is that it shall be complete and
    circumstantial in all its details, called on us the other day evidently
    with something on his mind.
    . We tended him carefully, and gave him of the best that was to
    hand, for we, too, know what it is to have a secret sorrow, an untold
    trouble on your mind, feeding like a worm i' the bud upon a damask
    "There you are, old man," said we; whisky, brandy, or gin.
    Iced water or apollonaris. Can recommend the cigars, as they're a
    present and much better than we should care to buy. Help yoursal).
    and get on. There's nobody about, and we're all attention.
    Brown helped himself, and drank; lit a cigar, and smoked. We
    watched him narrowly, but without showing either emobian or
    curiosity, for our acquaintance with the inevitable has taught us that
    whenever a man has anything to say it is better to let him say it
    himself in his own way and in his own words.
    So when Brown had collected his energies sufficiently, and strung
    his ideas into a connected shape, he commenced to relate his trouble.
    I had a curious dream last night," said he. A dream curious
    more on account of its extreme circumstantiality, and the manner in
    which the minutest details were arranged-details which I subse-
    quently discovered to be absolute facts-than for any other reason."
    SWe are not at all superstitious, but there is sufficient human nature
    left in us after a long career of current journalism to make the
    telling of dreams a not unpleasant pastime. Especially when the
    dreams are'mysterious and the dreamer inclined to set store by our
    superior knowledge and experience. So we saw the glasses were re-
    'plenished, lit a fresh cigar, and prepared to listen. .
    "I dreamt," continued Brown, "that I was on a large outward
    bbiux steamer of the kind which plies between London and New
    'York. Afine,largelongvessel,withall the crewandpassengers onboard,
    and making the best of her way to America. The engines were all in
    full work, and she walked the water like a thing of life. There were
    steerage passengers and intermediate passengers, and first and second-
    class cabin passengers. Everything was as plain as if it were in real
    life. She was A 1 and carried an experienced surgeon, besides being
    possessed of all the latest improvements. It seems strange; that I.
    should know all this; but there is stranger to come. I- found myself
    down'in the saloon, and somebody said, 'Captain M'Ritchie, let me
    introduce my friend Mr. Brown.' And I and Captain M'Ritchio
    shook hands, and talked of the weather, and the prospects of the fine
    passage. Then he seemed to fade away, and I was conversing with
    some one on the advantage of the steam steering gear in a house
    amidships, as compared with the old mustn't-talk-to-the-man-at-the-
    wheel principle. Then he seemed to fade away too, and somehow or
    other I was made aware that I was on board the Anchor line's steam-
    ship Elysia. 2,733 tons register, 678 horse-power nominal, from
    London to New York direct. And then I woke."
    "Well?" inquired we anxiously. Proceed; your story interests
    Well," responded Brown, after a refresher, the most peculiar
    point of all this is that there is an Anchor line which possesses a ship
    named the Elysia, of the tonnage and everything else exactly as
    described, Captain M'Ritchie commander, at the present moment
    making the best of her way between London and New York."
    "Impossible!" said we. Then after a moment's reflection asked.
    "Is this second sight or metempsychosis, inspiration or clairvoyance :
    You should publish your experience. It's certainly very won-
    derful- ."
    No it isn t," replied Brown, with a wink and all the coolness in
    the world. "It's only natural. I dined on board the Elysia the day
    before, and ran as far towards New York as Dover, where I got
    ashore and came back to London. I don't think it's at all wonderful
    I should dream about it, do you, noo ? "

    And Brown isn't likely to call on us for some little time to come-
    wonderful dreams or not. That's all!

    An Old Bird.
    MR. DIsaIALi has ventured on the bold assertion that there are no
    accurate reports now-a-days. Curious, considering how many times
    the Premier has had to regret the existence of an unfortunately too-
    accurate system of reporting, with reporters to match. And for all
    that Mr. Disraeli may, ostrich-like, shove his head in the mud of his
    own oratory and kick up his heels, calling aloud there are no accurate
    reports, there will be accuracy enough left for the rest of the world
    and to spare. Indeed, Mr. Disraeli's statement is hardly worthy of a
    well-educated ostrich; it has more in common with that bird of the
    fast-approaching recess, the goose. Therein, and only therein the
    premier's remark may be considered seasonable. The source of its
    provocation is the only thing which under any circumstances might
    make it appear reasonable.


    LAUGUST 2, 1876.

    FOR FRUIT! "

    In a provincial police-court the other day, an Eastern witness, who
    had no belief in the form of oath as generally applied, was requested
    by the usher to declare that he would speak the truth and nothing but
    the truth, so help him Koran. The official subsequently stated that
    he thought Koran meant the same as the word put in its place by the
    usual English swearers; a statement which created much merriment.
    Yet only recently a person whose ignorance was proved to be quite as
    crass was allowed to interfere with the publication of a great French
    classic, and no one then laughed when the representative of a Society
    for the Promotion of Virtue was proved not to know the name of the
    book from the name of him who inspired it. Not, of course, until the
    mistake was pointed out to them. There isn't much necessity for
    crowding the press with paragraphs about the mistake of a poor
    country underling when a great London gentleman entrusted with the
    morals of an immense community is allowed to fall into still greater
    error-and to make others suffer for it.

    Out of the Pale.
    Ma. STANLEY has discovered a new tribe of pale-faced people who
    live on the cold uplands." With such diet they are not likely to
    have much colour.

    A HUMANE lady advertises in the morning papers a warning to
    families leaving town that, unless they make proper arrangements for
    its welfare, the harmless necessary oat" of the premises runs a great
    risk of being starved to death. This is, alas, from thoughtlessness, too
    often the case. After this warning it will be accidentally done for the
    purr puss.
    Applause-able Idea.
    A DESORIPTIVE artiolist in a weekly paper, writing of a seaside place,
    says, "The sea rushes up the old Galley, foaming and hissing, and an
    old Gull swirls down to the water's edge." This Balham business is
    getting mixed up with everything now.

    Wars the Difference P
    THE Bjtanical Gardens are said to be in want of Hardy Plants.
    We beg to draw the attention of the Fellows to some recent schemes
    of the Secretary of the State for War.

    THE proper place at the seaside for nigger minstrels" is, of
    course, the Jet-y.

    W can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-8tandard. E
    I pI Alnd It to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Hassaig, M .
    Pdnted by JUDD & CO., Pha Works, St. Andrew's MI, Doctors' ommon, and PubMished (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, B.O.-Lalm Auguwsts, IWL


    AUGUST 9, 1876.]


    Tom:-"No wnD, JACK. TAKE A PULL!"
    Jack (who doesn't notice theflask) :-" OH, THAT BE BLOWED IN THIS WEATHER. BESIDES, I CAN ONLY SEE ONE SKULL, AND THAT'S A

    IT is well for the author of Ginz's Baby (Strahan) that the reading
    public gave him a readier attention and a firmer belief than are
    bestowed on him in the House of Commons. On the other hand,
    judging by his later literary productions and the return made for
    implicit confidence of readers, it is as well members of the House have
    kept Mr. Jenkins at arms' length. He is trouble enough as it is; what
    he would have beyn under circumstances more favourable to himself
    in Parliament providence only knows-we do not care to think. Itis,
    however, not with Mr. Jenkins the politician we have to deal, but Mr.
    Jenkins the author. That he has the ear of the public is proved by
    the fact that there lies before us the Thirty-sixth Edition of his, we
    might almost say famous, Baby. It would be following too closely in
    the footsteps of the modern and not particularly successful burlesque
    writer who wrote an adverse critique on Sheridan's Rivals were we to
    commence de novo and express our undiluted opinion on this, the first
    known work of Mr. Jenkins. We will be satisfied with hoping for it
    every success in its new illustrated form, and wishing that some of its
    author's more recent productions had been half as good and a quarter
    as pure as Ginz's Baby.
    The Wallbridge Miscellanies (Simpkin and Marshall) are true to their
    title, and miscellaneous to a degree. There is a flavour of Tupper
    about some of the author's utterances, only they are not quite not so bad.
    Mr. Tupper must be pleased to find that even he, too, has his imitators.
    Admirers it is only natural he should have in shoals.
    We hardly like to express a decided opinion about Song and satire
    (Nimmo). After the examples we have had recently of great poets,
    very likely the author is a great poet. After the differences of
    opinion we have also had, just as likely he is not. But he is a satirist;
    and so, when he says" I think the less we who would be authors say
    by way of preface the better," he may have a sly notion that the same
    remark applies to what some authors say by way of authorship.
    A new and well-arranged edition of Miss Edgworth's Early Lessons
    (Warne) should be popular, were it not that popularity is, as often as
    not, perfectly independent of actual merit or of even a suspicion of it.

    The volume contains over six hundred pages, and, in addition to the
    works originally published under the title, possesses many additional
    claims, not only on the part of the author, but of the compiler as well.
    Now that Spelling Bees, never destined to last in this country,
    have played themselves out, it seems hardly worth while publishing a
    Guide to them. That issued by Warne is, however, sufficiently well
    arranged to be useful for more lasting purposes. The selection of
    sentences for dictation is really funny.
    If Guy Roslyn is competent to write a volume of gossip entitled
    George Eliot in Derbyshire (Ward and Lock), why, in the name of all
    that's wonderful, does he require anybody of about his own calibre to
    engineer a preface for him F (N.B.-Not a conundrum.)
    The Professor's Pocket-book (Rudall and Carte) contains a calendar
    and diary admirably adapted for all who wish to put their general
    professions into particular practice.
    The Story of the Robins (Warne) is a neat little book for children.
    A Race for Wealth and Too Much Alone are cheap editions, from the
    same firm, of books neat, but certainly not for children.
    Five Months with the Prince in India (Allingham) has the decided
    advantage of containing less than rival works relating to this thread-
    bare subject.
    Swimming and Diving (Kerr, Glasgow,) should be a popular work
    just now. After perusing it and its diagrams one feels equal to coping
    with either a Jones or a Johnson-on dry land.
    With other small books from Messrs. De la Rue comes one entitled
    the Pocket Guide to Go Bang. Under correction, we should have
    thought that anyone wishing to Go Bang would hardly require a

    High and Dry.
    THE Dutch have built a splendid ironclad, and can't get it into the
    sea because they have not a canal big enough to float it there. Let
    our Dutch friends keep their big ship where it is; they will be able to
    see it occasionally-which is more than we, not being a nation of
    divers, can say about some of ours.

    VOL. BuTV.



    [AoGUST 9, 1876.

    FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, August 9, 1876.
    "Speed the parting, welcome the coming guest."
    Tuon on the gleaming limelight,
    Let it blaze;
    'Tis but a shortened time light
    In these days.
    But by it we of business
    See enough
    To weary us of Diz-ness
    And such stuff.
    Ring down the picture of a fleeting House;
    Ring up its follower-the season's Grouse.
    Yet ere the scene shall vanish
    From our mind,
    Deem us not meanly clannish
    Or unkind,
    If we, impatient, ask and
    Wonder why
    Our Parliament must bask, and
    Grouse must die.
    -One thing is absolute: now dies King Grouse.
    If talk would kill him-then we'd back our House.
    THE dead-season comes upon us apace, and already there are signs,
    many and not to be mistaken, of its approach. Though Parliament is
    sitting later than usual this August, and tryingby wholesale slaughter
    and too-late assiduity to make up for dilatoriness and worse in the
    early part of the Session, seasonable silliness is not to be averted, and
    the atmosphere of our daily papers is full of it. Even the six
    columns or more a day from Balham, eked out as they are
    -with what it is the fashion to call debates, cannot prevent
    :the Demon of the Time from making himself manifest. Strange
    statements crop up from out-of-the-way places, and appear in just as
    out-of-the-way corners of the papers, where they must have got by
    themselves while the editor's back was turned, and the sub-editor-
    oh, guilty and ever-blamable sub-editor!- neglectful of his contract.
    Already one tourist has got himself bitten to death under a combina-
    tion of circumstances which could not be found existent at any other
    time, and several other travellers are preparing to fulfil the demands
    of Fate and offer themselves up to the exigencies of the season.
    Showers of frogs are hovering handy, gooseberries are taking their
    gianticity upon them-albeit they find themselves a trifle behind the
    present era-the sea serpent has been tracked to his lair, or to any one of
    his lairs; and there are not less than three captains of ships at the pre-
    sent moment preserved in the cellars of a contemporary ready to swear
    to the existence of the great S. S., or of anything else marine, at a
    moment's notice. Now, too, comes the time for cheap immortality,
    when Brown, Smith, Jones-ay, and even Robinson to boot-may
    publish themselves, their professions, and their philanthropy through
    columns which for the past six months have been impervious to any
    puff unpaid for. And now comes the time when the penny-a-liner is
    in his glory, and when the editor drops his pen and the sub-editor his
    paste-pot, and both falling on their knees in an ecstacy induced by
    idleness unsought, cry aloud, like the Ratcatcher's Daughters of old,
    Give! give! news, or we perish!"

    VARlous opinions having been current as to who would make the
    best Commissioner of Public Works vice Lord Henry Lennox, Tram-
    wayed, we have collected a few, and now offer them for the first time
    in handy and portable form:-
    Mr. Ward Hunt, because he would sink any little differences that
    might arise between rival interests.
    Mr. Hardy, because he'd be a Ga-thorne in the side of impostors.
    Dr. Kenealy, as a graceful recognition of his services in securing
    Her Majesty her-oh-no-we-never-mention-it appellation.
    Mr. C. Lewis, because he would put all the parishes under white
    Mr. Henry Chaplin, because he would turn everything topsy-turfy,
    and improve the London Racecourse for rival omnibuses. Being a
    Chaplin he would naturally look after Church.
    Lord John Manners, because be is used to the Post.
    Mr. Lowther, because he would look after his Arcade.

    The Light Fantastic.
    A PrOvrNCImA journal says: Hops promise to be very plentiful
    this season." Evening dress will in all cases be indispensable.

    ; A~ OWARDS midnight, some
    few years prior to the
    commencement of Chapter
    I., a burglar had almost
    brought to a successful
    termination some house-
    breaking operations on
    which he had been en-
    SI gaged. He had collected
    S".1 [r articles from all parts of
    S' the house on to the kitchen
    floor, and was returning
    to the street for his sack
    'I ( 1 in which to put them,
    1K M I j-) when he stuck tightly
    between the window-
    The situation was terri-
    ble. He would stickthere
    till daylight, when possi-
    .b ly some myrmidon.df'the
    law--. It w.s horrible!
    Just then a millionaire
    was passing: he .saw at a
    L glance the pitiableposition
    of the burglar, :and his
    ---- heart was touched by the
    S-.scene. He setthe burglar
    free. At the time the
    burglar's heart was too
    full for him to utter a word of thanks-he only pressed the hand of
    the millionaire; but the gratitude which found root in him that
    night never withered. He collected his booty and went home. But he
    swore a great silent oath that he would do the millionaire a good
    turn when the time came. Did he keep his oath ? Let us see.
    One of the finest private picture galleries in England was that of Mr-
    Shoddiboy, the millionaire. Surrounded by luxuries, Mr. Shoddiboy
    only panted for one luxury more-and that was fame; and it was for
    the sake of fame that he collected pictures. He was already known as
    the possessor of some of the ugliest pictures in England. He had a
    " Boors Drinking," which was alone worth twenty times the price of
    any valuable thing which had the misfortune to be beautiful; and his
    "Dutch Exterior, with Pump and Cabbage talks" was becoming
    widely known. He had beautiful pictures as well.
    With all this, Fame did not carry him along as fast as he wished it
    to, and he was not contented. He wanted something-some one object
    in his collection-which would make his name heard to the uttermost
    corners of the earth, and cause it to be handed down unceasingly to
    after-generations; he wished to be illustrious, like Mahomet, and
    Shakespeare, and Julius Cmesar, and people like that. But the means had
    not yet come to him. And one dark night, when he had firmly
    secured all the massive contrivances which guarded his pictures from
    the marauder-the burglar-proof iron doors, and the steel-lined
    shutters and everything, and made it impossible for anyone to break
    in-a burglar entered the picture gallery. The burglar looked around
    calmly and thoughtfully, examining the paintings one by one; then
    he fixed on a "Martyrdom" on the wall opposite the door. This
    picture was a fine specimen of one of the fine old schools; it was
    painted in pure black with the exception of a square inch in the centre
    of the canvas, where the agonized nose of the martyr burst startlingly
    into half-light. The burglar cut this picture carefully from its frame,
    rolled it up, and walked out with it into the dark impenetrable
    When the millionaire came into his picture gallery next day he was
    mad with rage, for this picture had been to some extent known, and to
    lose it was to lose one of his stepping-stones to fame. He imme-
    diately wrote to the Times about the occurrence, sent out handbills
    about it, posted up large posters offering a reward, and published a
    pamphlet containing an elaborate series of conjectures as to how the
    burglar could possibly have done the thing. People read the pam-
    phlets, and began to wonder how the theft could have been committed,
    and 1he affair became a topic of general conversation. So much so,
    that the millionaire threw open his picture gallery for the public to
    come and see whence the picture had been cut. In talking about the
    burglary, people could not help talking about Mr. Shoddiboy, and his
    name became quite popular. About this time the millionaire received
    a note stating that his picture was at a shop in Alley, and that
    he could obtain it on application.

    AUGUST 9, 1876.]


    He did so; replaced the picture (which was of course smtiler now by
    reason of cutting) in its frame (made smaller to fit it), and sent out
    cards of invitation all round for people to come and see it. They came
    in shoals-the millionaire's name was on every tongue; but the picture
    had not been in i's frame a week, before it was cut out again by that
    same burglar and carried off once more. The millionaire's rage was
    fearful! He wrote to all the papers, signing his name in full; put up
    enormous posters, with his name ai large letters; and wrote a three-
    volume book about the affair.
    Thousands of people came to, visit the picture gallery; the burglary
    was mentioned in the House; the millionaire was, spoken of as Mr.
    Shoddiboy who owned the celebrated picture," andi the adjective got
    gradually transferred from the picture to Mr. Shoddiboy. The picture
    was restored again; all the nobility came to look at it; the facts were
    taken up by all theaContinental newspapers as well as the British; and,
    Mr. Shoddiboy put up for parliament. The picture was stolen a third&
    time! Mr. IShoddiboy was elected with an enormous majority. A
    great author called upon him to ask permission to collect materials for
    his biography; and he was always spoken of as "the. great Mr.
    Shoddiboy." The picture was actually restored ones more-; and the
    millionaire was knighted, and placed the Sir" before his name over
    his place of business (according, to custom), and his carmen spoke of
    him as "his Worship." He hadiattained fame. As to the picture,,it.
    had been cut out so many times- that only a piece fourn inches square
    now remained, containing the martyr's nose. The millionaire had
    originally bought the picture for five hundred and fifty pounds, and
    now several collectors begged him t0 take fifteen thousand for it, as a
    favour. But he wouldn't sell it. No; he preferred honour to lucre!
    He resisted the captivating bait, and became known as the great Mr.
    Shoddiboy who refused the Fifteen Thousand," and was associated in
    the mind with Leonidas, who led the Three Hundred. One days the
    millionaire was sitting proudly in his great chair, sorting some letters
    for his biography, in walked a mysterious man.
    "Who are you?" said the millionaire.
    "I am he," replied the other, whom you extricated from the bars
    a long, long time ago. I swore to do you a good turn: I did it. I
    am he who stole your picture !"
    The millionaire, from. force of habit, flushed with anger; then rose
    and drew the burglar to his bosom. "And you have not profited,"
    he said; "while I have attained all I longed for. How shall I
    reward- ?"
    "I am satisfied," said the burglar, as he waved his hand, and disap-
    peared.through the massive shutters of the window.

    Prints and Pariahs.
    A CAeon of the Church of England has invited the Wesleyan
    Conference at Nottingham to come and hear him preach, and then
    have plum cake and tea at the Vicarage afterwards. Good Churchmen
    should demand the disinfection of the Canon's church and the
    demolition of the Vicarage instantly. If such news as this is broken
    abruptly the consequences may be dangerous. As it is, a Bishop
    committed suicide within a few hours of its publication.

    Another Grant.
    AT the moment of going to press a rumour reaches us that Mr.
    Albert Grant has presented his house at the West to the country in
    order that it may be opened as a penitentiary for fallen directors. A
    palpable invention of Sir Henry James or Twycross.

    Breach of Contract.
    AT Sheffield a chemist has been fined forty shillings for threatening
    to shoot his wife. A decision with which all good people will naturally
    agree. The forfeiture of a promise is, in married life especially, most
    By a Steward."
    THERE is less difference between taking dirt and accepting the
    stewardship of the Chiltern Hundreds than people think. One is a
    form of matter and the other a matter of formn.

    Not Deanied.
    THE Dean of Westminster is stated to be actively engaged in super-
    intending the production of a Shakespearean at a West-End theatre.
    Abbey thought!
    Dirt Cheap.
    A PENNY steamer. A twopenny 'bus. Unnumbered stalls, 2s.
    Margate for 5s. A penny Queen's-head. A shilling raiser, 9d.

    WHEN is a Parliamentary Bill like a sound dramatist ?-When it
    advances a stage.

    MY worthiest friend, you are airing your wit,
    You're making yours truly the buttof a joke,
    When you bid me give over my. work for a bit
    To come in the garden and' smoke!
    I'm terribly busy-you wouldn't believe!
    My work is a century- more in arrears:
    In seventy seconds I have to achieve
    The. labour of seventy years!
    Don't tell me of pleasure-I haven't the leisure! I
    Be off and don'Wtbother-mel! Are you aware
    My work is so pressing it's truly distressing ?-
    I haven't a moment to span.!
    Here-hang it !-I'll come and& I. havw.a cigar;
    Ill. rest from my work for ten minutes-no more;
    But.mind, I must peg away harder by far
    Directly those minutes are o'er.
    What?- Join you at dinner ? This boisterous mirth
    Is, really and truly enough to appal!
    Itr more than my place in creation is worth
    To think about dining at all!
    Don't tell me, &c.
    And as to enjoying an hour with a friend-
    Why, goodness! I haven't the pluck to reflect
    On such a proceeding-1 wouldn't pretend
    To guess at the awful effect!
    Oh, there-botheration! I'll join you; all right!
    Of course it's essential for people to dine!
    I'll give up my harassing work for to-night;
    But mind, I must leave you at nine.
    Don't tell me, &c.
    No lingering over the maddening cup,
    And don't you get trying to tempt me to stay.
    At three in the morn I shall have to be up
    To finish the work of to-day.
    Elh ? Come to the sea for a couple of days ?
    That period wasted's a trifling amount!"
    You're clearly as mad as a hare! You've a craze l
    I couldn't on any account!
    Don't tell me, &c.
    Oh, well, as.you urge it so strongly, I'll see-
    My work may be better for letting it bide;
    I'll come for a day, or a couple, or three-
    Mind, three at the very outside.
    Yet, somehow or other when down by the wave
    I seem, in a way, to have found what I seek,-
    A something for which-in a manner-I crave:
    Yes, hang it! I'll stay for a week.
    Don't tell me, &c.
    But as for your wild and unheard-of design
    Concerning our instantly spreading the wing,
    To China-ox somewhere (by way of the Rhine),-
    How can you suggest such a thing ?
    Your natural humour is something sublime;
    Your plans are so wild they're delicious to hear!
    Now mind-if I come on a tour for a time
    It mustn't be more than a year!
    The leisure is lacking for accurate packing,
    We'll bundle the brushes in anyhow-there !
    It's time fur departing-the train will be starting-
    We haven't a moment to spare.

    Having the Pull.
    DESPITE the stories which come from his fishing friends, now enough
    to drive one mad, about hauling up night lines and pulling in nets
    from the sea, Jones, who is pent up near the Bank and cannot escape,
    finds one consolation. He says-the jokist!-the most seasonable
    haul he knows is Crosby Haul,-and he can also get there the most
    seasonable pull "-from a. tankard.

    A Working Member.
    AT Buckingham a meeting of advanced Liberals has decided to
    request Joseph Arch to contest the borough at the next election.
    Advanced Liberals, why,not say Archliberals at once ?

    A STAR IN THE MILKY WAY.-A fashionable dairyman.

    58 FT JN [AUGUST 9, 1876.


    " Know what you want! Here's the very thing-a rich, full bodied wine-something with a backbone in it, eh! I'll send you a few dozen from this casl.

    1 -. '-1

    "I see-I see, What you require is a neat, elegant, dry wine; as light as possible. Something that leaves the palate at once-that's it. Here it is exactly.
    We'll bottle you off a dozen or two from this cask."
    I' ,-Ni; I -''"":' "" -

    'i '" .. .. .. : :"-"-.' N "" '

    "I say, old boy, come and dine ith me. I've the neatest, most Um! ye, your dry wine isn't so bad, but-it can't compare with
    elegant, driest, lightest wine you ever saw in your life. something Iue just got in. Rich, air ? ah I and full-bodied.
    Leaves the palate at once, sir-think of that I" Backbone in it, sir I"

    FUN .-AUGUST 9, 1876.

    N -

    U '



    AvGUBT 9, 1876.]


    EXCEPT a few items that everyone knows
    I know next to nothing at all!
    And therefore my knowledge, as you may suppose,
    Is most unaccountably small.
    But ignorance gives me such exquisite bliss
    It cannot occasion surprise,
    If often I use an expression like this-
    What folly it is to be wise !"
    For what is all knowledge but robbing the brains
    Of people who've studied before-
    And why should you take such incredible pains
    To render.existence a bore ?
    And what is the knowledge that bothers you so
    When not having master'd it won't ?
    It is not alone knowing all that you know,
    But equally all that you don't!
    Why cumber a soul that for ever will live
    With learning that dies with the brain ?
    This fleeting existence should certainly give
    Some work not so utterly vain!
    Far better to leave erudition to fools,
    For wisdom, as sages have taught,
    Consists not in knowing the lore of the schools,
    But knowing your knowledge is nought!

    Cavernous Comicality.
    Ma. J. A. CAVE is said to have made a joke at the
    Globe Theatre on the first of the dozen nights now so
    rapidly running to an end there. Somebody asked him
    how he thought Miss Edith Lynd played Kathleen.
    "She is indeed ma Vourneen!" said the Alhambraic
    Victorian, as he proceeded to take the Marylebone stage
    homeward. And yet he; in his modesty, says he can't
    speak French!
    0 X 0=0.
    ONE of the Christian papers contains an advertise-
    ment for a young man, who must not only be clever and
    energetic, but who will not require any salary for the
    first twelve months. The reason, we believe, for mak-
    ing the salary stipulation is because the firm guarantee
    to double the rate of pay at the end of every year. May
    their generosity receive its reward.

    The Rev. Jones Snubb doesn't see the force of being laughed at on the Rink, s>
    enjoys a little bit of practice in his own back garden.

    DECEASED M.P. has a monument erected to him 124 feet high-by
    his brother. The brother is M.P. for Bury; but the monument is not
    over the late gentleman's grave. So there is an analogy missing after
    all, despite the expense. = Rising in the Caucasus against the Russians
    said, by the Russians, to have been inspired by the Turks. This can
    hardly be called news, for the fabulist told us of the Wolf and the
    Lamb long ago. = Lord Northbrook's tenants express "their warm
    approbation at his return to England. Perhaps as they go in for
    this sort of thing, if they had given him leave to go he might have
    stayed longer in India. Anyhow, we're glad they're glad-and so,
    we daresay, is his lordship. = Man kicks another man to death because
    latter won't "show fight." So the maxim about surely preserving
    peace by being always ready and willing to go to war refers to Devon-
    shire labourers as well as to Christians and Continental nations. =
    Flying Dutchman is in future to have guard's van at each end and
    one in the middle, so as to get special brake power. From a Flying
    Dutchman to a guard's Vanderdecken isn't, though, such a transfor-
    mation as might have been expected. = Little girl fond of physic "
    poisons herself by mistake. The eternal fitness of things again. A
    child fond of physic really does seem of the sort that is too good to
    live." = Registrar of Divorce Court recommends that Lady Mordaunt
    should be treated as though she were dead." What a pious lot of
    people we are to be sure, and how we do visit our wrath on all who-
    happen to be found out!

    A Whelk-Considered Verdict.
    IN the case of a gentleman who died lately from the effects of a
    pon'orth of whelks, the jury returned a verdict of "Death from Mis-
    adventure." We never heard the succulent morsels called by that
    name before. At all events, it was a whelk-come end.

    THE Greek Government has purchased ten batteries of Krupp guns
    -a Greek speculation and naturally a Kruppt one.

    Hash, Indeed I
    A WEEKLY contemporary among its "receipts" recommends that
    where the family is large and there are lots of children, what is left
    of the cold hashed leg of mutton should be made into a double-
    crusted pie." To say nothing of the difficulty now-a-days of making
    double crusts from cold hash, we should like to know what sort of a
    "large family where there are lots of children" would allow any-
    thing short of a leg of elephant or rhinoceros to make its appearance
    hot, cold, hashed, then cold hashed, and next in the novel form of
    double crust for pie. Possibly, however, this writer doesn't begin his
    joints like other people, but commences with the hash at the outset.
    It is more than likely.

    In the Street.
    DIcK. What about that "Antimony Tart" as was produced in
    court the other day, 'Arry ; I don't understand it ?
    'ARRn 0 it's as plain as a pike-staff. That was the label on the
    bottle with the chemical 'breviation. Tart-that is pie; don't you see ?
    and pie, short for pison, meaning Antimony, pison."
    DICK. O, ab, of course. I am dull.

    Blackhard Behaviour.
    ONE of the grave charges brought against Governor Henessey by
    the Barbadoes bunglers and busybodies was, that he entertained blacks
    in Government House. Such a complaint is hardly likely to have
    weight here, where the houses of all men are open to blacks, and
    generally pretty full of them.
    OUR ambassador at Constantinople is stated to be seriously unwell
    and to complain of the heaviness of his duties. Sir Henry Elliot is
    suffering from sticking too long to the Porte, and, like a wise man, is
    trying a light whine for a change.


    [AUGUST 9, 1876.

    Child (who thinks it's about time she should be something more) :-" I'D RATHER BE PALE AS THE FLOWER THAN FLAT AS ITS LEAF, OR

    A CRmISTrAw at B., in the Midland districts, is reported to have
    savagely assaulted a young Turk.
    The report of the assault by the Christian on the young Turk is con-
    firmed, with details. It is authoritatively stated that after the assault
    had been committed the victim's mother was terribly cut up.
    The Christian was a Minister of the Established Church.
    [Great excitement has been caused in London by the receipt of this
    .telegram, as it is feared fanaticism is at the bottom of this painful
    affair.-ED. F.]
    Riots are imminent. The magistrates are sitting. Lynch law must
    have been put in force, for the Christian is said to have lost his head.
    [We have dispatched a Special Correspondent to B., and expect full
    (From Our Special Correspondent.)
    Have facts. No riots. Clergyman boxed boy's ears for impudence.
    Boy "young Turk," suppose. Mother of boy "terribly cut up."
    Bullied clergyman. Clergyman "lost his head" and ran home.
    You've been hoaxed.
    We have to apologise to our readers for the wicked and disgraceful
    conduct of one of our seventeen sub-editors, who took upon himself,
    in direct violation of our instructions, to alter the telegrams received
    from B. They simply announced the facts given by our Special as
    ordinary provincial news. We have discharged the new faker with a
    caution, and divided his screw among our short leader writers. If he
    plays special" jokes upon us he must expect special" treatment.

    IN these days of scientific discovery, when comets' tails can be
    measured like calico and associations exist whose- sole business it is to
    inform the curious what sort of weather it will be next week, we have
    thought it would be agreeable to the public to have at their command
    a ready and easy means of discovering in a moment the political
    character of the Government for the time being. We give this week
    several infallible means of determining the matter, which will be
    found useful to travellers and persons whose visit to England is too
    limited to allow of the question being asked. If the weather is
    unsettled and uncertain, now hot and now cold-if the crops are back-
    ward and provisions dear: Conservative. If trade is bad, money
    unemployed, and credit weak: Conservative. If the Navy is going to
    rack and ruin: Conservative. If the Army is discontented and dis-
    organised: Conservative. If the cry of the populace is met by the jeers
    of the Ministers: Conservative. If thewelfareof the countryis sacrificed
    to self-conceit and a desire to overreach political opposition: Con-
    servative. If trade is good, our ships afloat, our money in demand,
    the weather settled, the Continent at peace, and the people contented:

    SOMEBODY advertises a "unique 140 first-class gold keyless
    hunting-watch." Be forgets that the sum can hardly be considered
    unique if the watch is worth it. We are prepared to try either and
    to report accordingly; though at present, so far as our limited
    experience will allow us to judge, we are inclined to decide in favour
    By "the Governor."
    IT'S hard work to keep your sons in check while they're young;
    it's harder still to keep 'em in cheques when they grow older.

    A BANK HOLIDAY.-A Chiswick Garden Party.

    AUGUST 9, 1876.] FU N 63

    GRnAT Lord of Laughter! on his knees behold thy humble slave.
    With aching heart I seek thy throne its clemency to crave.
    Here let me leave my cap and bells, my staff and motley guise,
    For on my lips no more the jest or mocking laughter lies.
    Week in, week out-through months of cold, of rain, and blazing heat-
    I've shot at Folly as she flew and brought her to my feet;
    With quip and crank and light retort I've angled for a laugh,
    And made our daily history a vehicle for chaff.
    On Fun and Frolic all intent I've watched the busy strife,
    And found some gayer side in all the accidents of life.
    But now, alas! the scene has changed, the clouds are coming fast,
    And all around the hanging sky is grey and overcast.
    The land is full of sighs and tears, and horror haunts the air-
    Ten thousand homes are desolate through bubble stock and share.
    The workman's hand of strength and craft swings idle at his side,
    The workshop doors are shut and barred-the pawnshop open wide.
    O'er England's fall the nations gloat, the ruin of her trade-
    Of her unwieldy armament herself alone's afraid.
    The whoop of war is on the winds, and many a ghastly deed
    Is borne to us o'er Eastern plains where outraged women bleed.
    Inert and sleek amid the wreck our crafty rulers lie,
    And give us stones and empty words when loud for bread we cry.
    Since 'mid such scenes my lot is east, my mission, sire, revoke,
    I cannot jest about the times-They've got beyond ajokeo


    undersized but evidently
    ferocious and ruffianly
    husband, who said he was
    engaged in "theDocks," was
    charged at Islington, before
    Mr. Muddle, with illtreating
    his wife, and furthermore
    with making her go in
    bodily fear.
    The case created a deal of
    excitement in the neigh-
    bourhood, and the court
    was densely crowded. Much
    sympathy was evidently felt
    for Mrs. Jones, and applause
    was now and again elicited
    by the remarks of the
    worthy magistrate. Such
    ebullitions were, however, at
    once firmly but courteously
    suppressed by the officers of the court.
    Mr. Muddle said he regretted very much that cases of wife-beating
    were becoming by far too common. It was high time the strong arm
    of the law interfered to protect the innocent and deserving as well as
    the fair and female, and he was determined as long as he sat in that
    court weak woman should never find herself friendless. In his young
    days the man who would raise his hand to a woman save in the way of
    kindness was unworthy the name of monster. (Great applause, in
    which the worthy magistrate himself joined.)
    Mrs. Jones-a tall, handsome, vigorous, and well-rroportioned wife,
    whose appearance in the box was received with much cheering and
    waving of handkerchiefs-was then called. Grief was manifest in her
    countenance, and even the reporters sobbed in concert as she more
    than once broke down and had to be carried out of court while giving
    her evidence. Mr. Muddle was also visibly affected, and.retired to his
    room at intervals.
    Witness, having been duly sworn, deposed that she had been married
    to prisoner for the last six years. Believed when she consented to be
    Mrs. Jones that he was a respectable, well-behaved eligible person, who
    would make a good husband; but soon discovered that he was quite a
    horrid little monster instead. When they had been married about a
    year he actually asked for a latch-key, which she very properly, as she
    considered, refused to supply. (Here the recollection was too much
    for witness, who completely broke down, and proceedings were
    suspended for some time.)
    On resuming, Mr. Muddle begged Mrs. Jones to take her own time
    and not allow herself to be overcome. He quite felt for the terrible
    position in which she was placed, and would sit there for a week rather

    than justice should not be done. (Applause, in which the officers of
    the court were conspicuous.)
    SWitness continued: After she had refused him the latch-key, Jones
    became perfectly unbearable. Stopped out three times within a month
    until half-past ten, and flatly refused to tell her where he had been.
    (Sensation-instantly suppressed.) Grumbled when he had to eat cold
    meat three days in succession, and flatly refused the fourth. Told
    him he might have it or go without, and he brutally preferred the
    latter alternative. Discovered prisoner in the act of sending servant
    out for a chump chop, and forbade the girl to go. Prisoner was then
    going himself, but witness took his hat away and bolted him oat in the
    yard. (Witness was here about to be overcome again, but revived at
    the applause of the ladies in court and the encouraging remarks of the
    worthy magistrate.)
    In reply to prisoner witness admitted she had knocked his head
    against the wall and kept him without any dinner when he misbehaved,
    but Mr. Muddle cut short further questions by remarking there was no
    doubt he richly deserved it, and that it was pleasant to find there was
    one wife in the world who would not submit to brutal treatment and
    studiously-continued neglect without remonstrance. (Here the
    case was adjourned for a short time, during which Mr. Muddle had
    lunch, and prosecutrix partook of sandwiches and sympathy.)
    On resuming, Mrs. Jones stated that the present action was brought
    on a specific charge. The night before last prisoner was more than
    usually objectionable, actually going so far as to refuse to fetch the
    supper beer while there was a servant in the house. Witness there-
    upon determined to teach him a lesson while the girl was gone, and
    locked the street-door so that there should be no interference. Prisoner
    then tried to get out of the window, and in the scuffle the poker she
    had accidentally in her hand was seized by him. Witness then pro-
    ceeded to take it away; but before she could do so prisoner struck her
    a violent blow with the thick end which raised quite a lump, and
    then ran out. When the servant came back witness sent her for a
    doctor to dress the, wound, and subsequently applied to Mr. Muddle
    for advice, the result being the present charge.
    Mr. Muddle having examined the contused place through a
    magnifying-glass, said a more brutal and aggravated case of wife-
    beating had seldom come before him.
    Prisoner here interrupted by asking if he might call witnesses for
    the defence; but
    Mr. Muddle strongly reprobated any such proceeding. The case
    was distinctly proved, and any attempt at defence would be merely
    wasting the time of the court. He should order prisoner to be im-
    prisoned six weeks with hard labour. He would not give him the
    option of a fine, for doubtless prisoner was in a position to pay, and
    then go home and renew his malpractices. The worthy magistrate
    was only sorry he could not order prisoner corporal punishment; as it
    was, at the expiration of his sentence he must find two sureties in
    100 each to keep the peace for six months towards his wife.
    The decision was received with much cheering, which the officers had
    some difficulty in suppressing. The court was then cleared, and the
    prisoner removed to the cells.

    The Stokes Family.
    TE Stokes who killed James Fisk, jun.," says a morning paper,
    will be discharged from prison in October." Observe the way in
    which the Stokeses have to be distinguished. This Stokes is not the
    Stokes who Wainwrighted, nor the Stokes who was Leiningened,
    nor the Stokes which is the bay where Stokes was Leiningened, nor
    the Stokes who memories, nor the Stokes who is Suezing for the
    British Government, nor the Stokes without the S which is the hole
    in the Thunderer which blew up in the bay which is Stokes's, but simply
    the Stokes who Fiskjuniored. Voila !

    Dutch Drops.
    rUNDE the head of The Fall in Silver," a contemporary states that
    in Amsterdam the market price of this commodity has been con-
    siderably raised recently. Are the principles of Dutch gravitation, then,
    like those of Dutch auctioneering; and do things in Amsterdam when
    they fall, fall upwards P Probably the solution of this may have an
    effect on another important national question, viz., what is the reason
    Dutch uncles, Dutch plaice, Dutch courage, and Dutch S's are
    distinctly different from other uncles, other plaice, other courage, and
    other S's ? S'sentially the latter.

    A Radical Care.
    SAYs the Telegraph :-" A letter is published from Mr. R. M.
    Carter, Radical Member for Leeds, announcing the resignation of his
    seat." He had probably been sitting too heavy on it.

    WHY is witnessing a funeral like a private conversation with a
    celebrity ?-Because it's an inter view.

    64 [AUGUST 9, 1876.

    ,-. / Yon'aE very welcome, August, dear-
    .I Your path should be with roses strewn.
    -. '- I July is.pleasant, so is June;
    But oh. fair month, when you appear
    We dee -. the visit quite a boon !
    The great magician-Sol-enjoys
    Transforming leaves from green to brown.
    Society goes out of town
    To seek the coast-and flies from noise
    To rustic spots of great renown.
    What beauty in your presence dwells!
    S'.! Queen Nature's charms seem more mature!
    I 'Her devotees to mossy dells
    Where Londoners may rest procure.
    Don't hasten from us, I entreat!
    Such glories unto you belong
    'Twould really, love, be very wrong
    To hurry off with footsteps fleet,
    ,., And spoil the glad excursion throng.
    Thus gleefully the poet sings
    li1Anent the month his gladsome lay!
    Permit the poet, though, to say
    He loves it most because it brings
    1 IBank Holiday and-Oyster-day!

    ... --

    Mrs. SCroggin :-" WELL, BETSY, AND HOW BE YOU THIS DAY ?"
    WELL, AND_-."
    Mrs. J. (peevishly) :-" NAY, NAY, MARTHA, TER CAN'T EXPECT AS I
    bad leg!"

    THE new Torpedo, which is guaranteed to send every, ship with
    which it comes into contact to the bottom, has been named "The
    Ward Hunt," in compliment to the First Lord of the Admiralty.
    Mr. Disraeli has written to Mr. John De Morgan declining to give
    an opinion upon How to keep the Commons standing," his object at
    present being to keep the Commons sitting.
    It is understood that at the conclusion of a celebrated inquiry,
    without which "no breakfast table is complete," several beautiful
    scandals, which have been purchased by an enterprising newspaper
    proprietor, will be brought out at j udicious intervals.
    Mr. Stanley, whose amusing letters on Africa are so deservedly
    popular, has removed from Islington to Clapham in order to prosecute
    his studies in greater seclusion.
    His Royal Highness the Duke of Connaught had promised to march
    his Hussars up Primrose Hill on Bank Holiday; but in consequence
    of the threatening aspect of affairs in the East, it has been thought

    The Wrong Moment.
    A MAN was charged the other day with attempting
    to commit suicide at a quarter to twelve o'clock at
    night." The selection of such a time for such a purpose
    is doubtless most reprehensible. Such things should of
    course be done in broad daylight-and when there's
    nobody about to interfere.

    According to Cocker.
    A FAMOUS exhibition advertises:-" New additions
    are constantly added." With all deference we beg to
    state this can hardly be correct. It is the new additions
    which form the subtraction, and prove the practice.

    Charity at Home.
    Sza EDMUND Cuo a has written to the local press of
    the East-end requesting assistance for the Hospital
    Saturday Fund. Such a favour from Currie looks as
    though some one has Curried favour.

    that a grand military display would be accepted as a defiance
    by the Russian diplomatists. The Mayor and Town Clerk of Bradford
    will go through some evolutions in a dog-cart instead.

    Da. RICHARDSON's City of Hygeia is to become an absolute fact,
    a piece of land having been specially purchased for the purpose. We
    fancy this is the way to prove the idea more than ever an absolute
    fiction. ________
    All the Difference.
    A cONTEMPORARY hazards the suggestion that few true Spaniards
    will be glad to see Queen Isabella back again. If she carries on her
    former ." little rigs," all true Spaniards will heartily desire to see her
    back again.
    'Ir a man elongates another man's proboscis, does he do it to bring
    unpleasantness to a conk-elusion ?,

    CADBURY'S -.
    SBR ANDAUER & CO.'S Newreistered if"
    -series of these Pens neither scratch nor spur--the
    points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your C C NAC L
    Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
    select the pattern best suited to you hand.. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
    CA UTIOo.-If Cmae. thickens the sup it proves the addites of star.
    Printed by JUDD & CO., Phosunix Works, St. Andrew's Hill,4 Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, .O.-London, Augu 9, I1.

    Avouse 16, 1876.] FUN. 65


    jy~H ~777~lJjV~~

    ~' ____________ -

    "Ah, my boy! I'll take you round the place after Lreakfast. Yfu tochneys do get a chance of a breath o' fresh air when you come into the country!"

    " Now 'ere'd the ditch that carries off the waste from Perlewter's steam mi.is, twenty mils up." And 'ere's the pigs."

    "And 'ere's some o' the best land you'll see for miles. Just been "What I Off to town already I Well, if you won't stay and have
    putting down some fish manure." another breath o' fresh air- ."

    'OL. XXIV.

    FU N.

    [AUGUST 16, 1876.

    FUN OFFICB, Wednesday, August 16, 1876.
    ScNE : A. railway station. _Parliamentary train ready to depart.
    .Enter ME. and Mas. PIREMIE, attended by Conservative supers and
    flunkeys. MR. P. goes to booking-office and taps at wicket.
    Ma. PaEMIsn. Just give me a ticket, you sir at the wicket,
    I'm off to commence the recess.
    Look sharp, my good man, now; as quick as you can, now;
    Already I've missed the express.
    So late was the House up they've ate all the grouse up
    And left but the pickings for me
    Be quick -ith the ticket, you sir at the wicket,
    My hurry is great, as you see!
    Grand chorus of Conservatives, headed by Mns. PREMIER:-
    Be quick with the tickets, look sharp with the tickets,
    We want to be off, as yon see!
    Mas. PRsEmi. The House was so late, sir; our hurry is great, sir,-
    Just now with impatience one burns.
    Don't keep us so flurried; just see how we're hurried,
    And mind that you issue returns.
    When, rapidly tiring, sweet rest we're desiring,
    Why, then, with Conservative "nouse"
    We "kid" to be busy-(don't snigger, my Dizzy!)
    And take our repose in the House.
    Energetic chorus of Conservatives, this time headed by Mn. PREMIER:-
    Pretend to be busy, pretend to be busy.
    And snooze away care in the House.
    (MR. Fux, specially engaged for this night only as Great Liberal Booking
    Clerk, appears at the wicket.)
    MR. Fno. Don't kick up a row, there; be orderly now, there ;
    You haven't shown hurry before.
    The whole of the Session's been oneretrogression,
    An epoch of idling-no more.
    I've watched all your funning, and know that you're cunning
    Enough to exaggerate now,
    And try, as you're going, to keep us from showing
    Our feelings, and kick up a row.
    Grand Liberal chorus from behind booking.-ofiei, singers mainly con-
    sisting of members of MR. FuN's staff and other brilliant persons not
    easily imposed on by Conservative wiles:-
    Yah! now you're a-going, a-going, a-going,-
    And we mustn't kick up a row !
    (SPIrIT OP LIBnvERAusM here descends into great Liberal booking-ojfice,
    and joining Mit. FUN at the wicket, chants solemnly an impressive Con-
    servative warning.)
    SPIRIT. Your tickets are issued, though all of us wish you'd
    Be off and would never come back.
    The country could spare you. And, Dizzy, how dare you
    Thus tempt me to give you the sack?
    Advice don't be scorning, take Mr. Fun'.s warning-
    This time you're allowed a return.'
    Good bye for the season. Now listen to reason,
    Or else you'll have cause for concern!
    Immense general chorus:-
    Pray listen to reason, to reason, to reason,
    Or we'll give you cause for concern!
    (Pas de Deux to slow music by MR. FUN and the SPIrM op LIBERALISM.
    IRed fire and ten thousand additional lamps. Great Conservative Break
    .Dwn, amid which .Prlbamentary train departs. Limelight, and
    WE have now, after a protracted and curiously circumstantial
    inquiry, arrived at the end of perhaps as strange a story as even the
    annals of poiscnina can show. Stranger, maybe, for whereas the
    machinations of Medicis' and Brinvilliers's, ancient and modern,
    possessed more or less clue, and gave evidence of motive if not of
    absolute guilt, here is a mystery which seems fated to be a mystery
    for evermore. But we have not to deal with that. Our concern is
    rather with the degrading and immoral publicity given to incon-
    sequent evidence. Granted, for the sake of argument, that not one
    question was asked witnesses more than was absolutely necessary, we
    should like to know what good could be served by special," ver-
    batim," and "accurate" reports, as advertised; and whether nothing
    but the desire for the common good led to their publication in such
    sickeningly elaborated detail.

    HROUGH the energy of our
    own Unscrupulous Spy,
    we have been fortunate
    enough to become the
    |possessor of a portion of
    the Diary of a Staunch

    i script discloses a sad, sad
    story of the effect of the
    conflict between Party
    principles and Christian
    sentiments upon a too
    sensitive mind. Some of
    the details are positively
    heartrending, and the
    final picture freezes the
    very blood. We give the
    words of the M.S. exactly
    as we found them-rug-
    ged, but marked by inten-
    sity of feeling.

    July the-, 1876. Read
    a long account of the hor-
    rible doings in Bulgaria
    and felt sick with disgust;
    expressed an emphatic
    'opinion to my wife that
    such fiendish outrages
    could not be any longer
    endured in Europe, and worked myself into quite a passion about it.
    Looked anxiously in the Standard to glean the opinion of my chief on
    the subject; discovered that he didn't think it so dreadful after all.
    Rather laughed at it. Afternoon : Found it necessary to modify my
    opinions on the subject of Bulgarian outrages; couldn't disagree
    with my chief. N.B.-Mustn't call them Fiendish outrages" any
    more; substitute Indiscretions."
    July the -. Read account of the brutal massacre of two hundred
    Bulgarian women and children. While such disgusting barb- .
    Ahem! I see my chief calls it a slight mistake and an execu-
    tion." I must really be careful in my language!
    July the -. Fifty young girls outraged and murdered! Good
    heavens! Is it possible that amid Christian nations such- Dear,
    dear-I am so indiscreet! Began to prepare my litle speech in
    defence of the Turkish excesses; I think it will make its mark. The
    remark, Trifling irregularities are ever inseparable from the struggles
    of nations" is very neat, I think.
    July the -. Had a fit of the blues. I'm afraid that it's very
    wicked of me to speak of the burning of ninety inoffensive people in
    a barn as a "misadventure "-but then, if one's chief thinks so?
    Felt guilty as I got on with my little speech. The sentence, All the
    correspondents for the Liberal papers are liars" will be a point.
    July the -. I feel very guilty and wretched! Have just described
    the chopping up of some dozens of old people in Bulgaria as
    "thoughtless" and "imprudent." I will buy a thick lash and
    chastise myself with my coat and waistcoat off. It will serve me
    right! My little speech is finished; it completely justifies the Turks.
    My chief will be very pleased.
    July the -. The Turks have mangled and murdered two hundred
    more girls. In the name of all that is human, how can such hellish
    atroci- Ahem! I mean, are not such irregularities to be depre-
    cated ? Flogged myself soundly. Conscience much relieved.
    July the -. Spoke of the butchering of a number of Bulgarian
    children as an unfortunate occurrence," and a curious incident."
    My conscience is horrible to bear! Wrote a private note to the head
    of my party to ask permission to pity the victims in private. Stated
    that Turks were most humane and praiseworthy; and argued it out
    with Brown-(Rad.). Made my little speech in the House; very
    successful; glossed over obvious facts most cleverly. Much com-
    plimented. Lashed myself harder to-day. I cannot bear my con-
    science much longer!
    July the -. Took my usual lashing before breakfast. More
    tortures by the Turks -villages burnt-children given to dogs-women
    chopped up-roads strewn a yard deep with bodies-girls outraged
    and tortured! These irregular occurrences are unfortunate. How
    wicked I feel! I will tie myself up by the hair and lash myself again.
    Have whipped myself until I can't stand up.
    July the -. Spoke at a public dinner. Defended the conduct of
    the Turks most ably; pooh-poohed the fabricated reports of atrocities ;
    proved that we possessed no official information on the subject. (Im-
    mense applause.) Put some pieces of sharp glass in my scourge, and
    lashed the skin off my back, but didn't ease my conscience at all.
    Received answer to note to my chief: he says it would be more


    AUGUST 16, 1876.] Il U N. 67

    prudent to abstain from pitying the victims even in private. I must
    obey him, but I think I shall go mad! What an inhuman wretch I
    August the -. I .have just remarked to Jones (Rad.) that the
    conduct of the Turks is most exemplary." Received by post from
    my chief a table of epithets applicable to different classes of irregu-
    larities in the East. Here it is:-
    Murder of any number of inoffensive
    people, not exceeding twenty .... A Quaint Incident.
    Murder of more than twenty ...... An Indiscretion.
    Ditto fifty (with torture) .. A Regrettable Indiscretion.
    Violation and butchery of women (not
    exceeding onehundredinnumber).. An Ill-advised Demonstration.
    Ditto (exceeding one hundred).. An Inconsiderate Ebullition.
    Ditto (including tortures) ...... An A ct of Extravagance.
    Have learned the above by heart. Lashed the flesh off my back.
    Auqust the -. I cannot bear it any longer, and will not. I feel
    that I am unworthy to live. Have written a long letter to the
    Stand d, deriding the milk-sop humanitarians who pity the victims
    in Bulgaria. Oh, my conscience I I will nt live r I have made up
    my mind: I will murder my wife and children, burn my house, and
    roast myself to death! Good-bye, world! lBear fidings of the
    "quaint incident" to my chief.

    THE Writer was getting in utter despair;
    Original notions were getting so rare,
    That when to his cerebrum one of them came,
    Lol ten other writers would hit on the same.
    The Writer, through constantly racking his brain,
    Had screwed up his nerves to a terrible strain;
    Till lately, one night, he awoke withatsczsam
    From dreaming a hideous, hideous dream
    This world to a very old age had attamied*
    One single original notion remained;
    And every writer was casting about
    And straining hid utmost at finding it out.
    The notion was tiny-the size of a pea,
    And seemed to be hidden away in the sea,
    Or under the earth; and he seemed to begin
    By trying to ferret it out with a pin.
    He worked with the rest, and they scratched and they tore
    Td get at-the thing, till their fingers were sore;
    Then all of a sudden, now bulky and strong,
    That notion came bumping and rolling along.
    Then every writer and every wit
    Jumped madly upon it and captured a bit,
    And hurried, with many a struggle and fall,
    To enter the atom at Stationers' Hall.
    Then suddenly gasping, the Writer grew cold:
    A something had told him the notion was OLD !
    He saw it, in letters of fire, on the page
    Of a writer who wrote in an obsolete age.
    Then shuddered that Writer, and mumbled with fright,
    And set him to seeking for succour in flight;
    The notion was bulky and black as a coal,
    And now it was grimly beginning to roll.
    Its growth was so fearfully rapid, that soon
    It swelled and it swelled to the size of the moon;
    With every sensitive fibre athrill
    He knew it was tracking him slowly up-hill!
    Oh, madly he struggled, with agonized throes,
    To hurry away-there was lead in his toes !
    He sickened, grew dizzy and faint in the head:
    The notion had caught him and jumped on the bed.
    That Writer woke up with a shiver, and swore
    You never would catch him asleep any more :
    Till now he has had no occasion to wince-
    For devil a notion has bothered him since.

    Consulting our Feelings.
    THE Ottoman Government have paid the sum of 40,000 as an
    indemnity to the families of the French and German consuls who
    were the victims of the recent outrage at Salonica. Some consultation
    to the country in that.

    Y-Ps, my dear children, I can just recollect it. It was the last
    Bank Holiday as ever was, and Sir John Lubbock himself was quite
    willing' it should be. I was living' with your grandmother at the time
    over at Camberwell, and bein' wegetarians we didn't feel it, but it was
    so hot as cabbages 'ud barely keep, and that's what settled it: it being
    that hot as meal wouldn't keep, it was ockard for the aristocracy.
    The butchers and bakers shut up and wouldn't open at all from
    Saturday till Tuesday, and nobody could get nothing' to eat, and being
    August and dry the aufferin's o' them as couldn't do with saveloys
    and baccy was awful.
    Why, my dears, I'm an old old man now, but these eyes seed on
    that dreadful day Markisses and Docks in the Walworth Road with
    their tongues lollin' out a fighting dogs for bones in the gutter. And
    a Member o' Parliament very near murdered his butcher because he
    said he was shut and wouldn't let him have a bit o' suet for his wife
    and young ones as was sitting' at home in the corner of the drorin'
    room a chewin' their old boots.
    And them as was left in London that day towards evening went
    nigh mad, and tender maidens was found eating' their pet canaries, and
    there wasn't a whole cat in the four mile radis o' Charin' Cross.
    And the Lord Mayor went round late on Monday night with the
    Militia, and broke open the butchers' and the bakers' and the fish-
    mongers' and divided the things among the crowd, and was threaten-
    ing to burn the metrolopis down if they didn't get something to eat
    And Sir John Lubbock hisself couldn't get nothing' from Sunday
    night to Tuesday morning 'cos all the shops in his neighbourhood was
    shut; so he had it altered at once. And that was the last Bank
    Holiday, my dears, and a good job too, for light 'arts and empty
    stomachs is rare companions.

    THAT Mr. Gerald Noel has been made First Commissioner of
    Public Works because he'll Noel lot about his duties. That in con-
    sequence of Mr. Ward Hunt by his management" making sailors
    sick of the service, he has been christened the Tartar Emetic. That
    the Stoke hole of the Thurderer has mysteriously disappeared. That
    in consequence of recent collisions illustrated papers are no
    longer worked on the block system. That Lord Shaftesbury has been
    offered the Sultanship of Turkey and declined on the plea that he is
    a married man. That an indignation meeting of big gooseberries and
    flying frogs has been held in Fleet-street to protest against the
    Balham Mystery. That a show of dunderheaded jurymen will be
    the next novelty at North Woolwich. That Prince Christian has
    some foreign bonds. That Lord Sandwich's reply to Mr. Bright,
    apropos of Nonconformist Justices, was ill-bread and ham-biguous.
    That Turkish victories are due to good 'Osmanship.

    An Elegant Extract.
    THE Pall Mall Gazetie, as the organ of gentility, naturally comes
    forward in defence of a gentleman when that gentleman is accused of
    committing deliberate suicide. The attempt, though praiseworthy,
    is somewhat obscure, and as the description of what really took place
    includes such statements as the door of his room was broken open
    after a time, and was found in an insensible condition," with others
    to match, we must leave the explaining of this explanation to those
    who are either high bred enough to understand it naturally or have
    sufficiently studied Pallmallese. We would quote further, but fear
    much that we might have to pay for the privilege. There is copy-
    right in literary curiosities now!

    The Larger Growth.
    LONGEVITY should be common enough in West Kent, seeing that a
    local paper has for several weeks contained a requisition for a nurse
    for three children between twenty and thirty years of age." We are
    aware that it takes double the time to produce a man of Kent to that
    which is necessary for the development of a mere Kentish man; but
    we don't know at what time either ceases to be a child, though it
    would seem to be somewhat late in life. The "crucial" question is,
    What age must the nurse be to properly manage such "kidlings ?"

    MADAME SOPHIA GOLDSMITH, of St. Petersburg, has been elected a
    Doctor of Philosophy at the University of Zurich. She will shorten
    her name and titles by styling herself simply Madame Philosophy
    THEna is rilly no truth in the report that London is to be provided

    with fresh water from Maida Rill.


    [AUGUsT 16, 1876.

    . .....


    MR. CowEN. To ask if the attention of Government had been
    called to the atrocities reported in a daily paper by their special corre-
    spondent in Africa; and to move that some means be taken to prevent
    hundreds of innocent people being slaughtered by a filibuster "in the
    interests of Christianity."
    MW. WHALLDY. To ask, if he should at any time die on the floor
    of the House, if it would be necessary for his nurse to be cross-
    examined as to his moral conduct when a baby.
    MR. RTLANDs. To ask the Chancellor of the Exchequer how much
    the Cabinet got out of Egyptians, and if they purpose returning any
    of it, under initials, as conscience money.
    MR. JENKINS. To ask the Prime Minister if it is true that one of
    the sailors in Besika Bay is named John, and if so whether the rules
    of the House will allow him to inquire if he has had the measles.

    "Coming, Sir, Coming."
    THE agony column of the Times-which is said by wicked people
    to be concocted or specially looked 'after by the editor-in-chief about
    this period of the year, so as to be suitable for a threepenny and
    therefore highly cultivated and respectable public-contains a request
    to some one to Do nothing but telegraph me to say you are coming."
    It doesn't seem to strike either the advertiser or the gentleman who
    edits these advertisements, that if the advertised does nothing but
    telegraph that he is coming he'll hardly have time to come.

    I HAVE a home across the waves
    That roll on Thames's bosom wide,
    For much in rent the fellow saves
    Who lives upon the Surrey side;
    And nighly over Waterloo
    With thousands of my kind I pour
    (If pour's a thing a man can do)
    From Middlesex to Surrey shore.
    I have an eye that's apt to mark
    A sudden change in men and things,
    And one as though from light to dark
    Tkis step across the water brings,
    From fashions of the present day
    To those of quite the year before
    He flits at once who wends his way
    From Middlesex to Surrey shore.
    In twos and threes the people stroll
    Along the gaily-lighted Strand;
    Some place of pastime is the goal,
    And pleasure all the task in hand.
    Across the stream's a motley crew,
    Who buy and haggle evermore:
    Of life you get two points of view
    From Middlesex to Surrey shore.

    -FU NT .-AUGUST 16, 1876.

    .I- EAP F
    J-T c o

    THEir-IE 64lil

    1 Q-.--- O- KCE

    ii I

    i1\~l4 *'~\

    r1'7 u_







    AEGueT 16, 1876.]


    THOUGHTLESS HOUSEHOLDER. What a scandalous thing it is that
    the rivers are allowed to be polluted so! Our water's poisonous. lMy
    wife's ill; my children are ill; my servants and visitors are ill; I'm
    ill;-all from drinking water. It's those manufacturers! I won't
    stand it any longer. I'll get up and make a row. I'll petition Govern-
    ment. I'll agitate!
    REASONABLE ACQUAINTANCE. My dear fellow, you're utterly
    unreasonable about it; you mustn't interfere withmen's rights !
    PIG-HEADED HOUSEHOLDER. Rights Do you mean to tell me a
    man has a right to poison other people's water and kill the people ?
    REASONABLE ACQUAINTANCE. Of course, if he has been in the habit
    of doing it for years back.
    MOLLIFIED HOUSEHOLDER. Oh, ah; well, yes; that alters the case,
    of course. But I don't believe this manufacturer has been in the
    habit of polluting for years back. I believe he's an upstart-a new
    man. Now, I won't be poisoned by an UPSTART !!
    REASONABLE ACQUAINTANCE. Oh, no; you're mistaken. My friend
    Green got poisoned by the water he polluted five years ago come
    Michaelmas. Oh, he's poisoned all my friends for years. He's not an
    DOUBTFUL HOUSEHOLDER. Well, but my family are all dying.
    REASONABLE ACQuAINTANCE. Yes; but you oughtn't to mind, as
    he's been in the habit for years--
    CONVINCED HO1eSHOLDER. Oh, well, no; I s'pose I oughtn't. But
    if he was an upstart- !

    SCENE: West Coast of Africa.
    FIasT NATIVE KING. Ho! ho! Englishman big fool, he am !
    SECOND NATIVE KING. How's dat, Jummerrummerroo ?
    FIRST NATIVE KiNp. Yow! He want to stop me sacrificing' my
    people for victims; so he come, an' he spen' lot o' money, an' he make
    war. Den he advance interior, an' sacrifice lot o' my people 'umself,
    'stead ob gibin' me de trubble. Den -he make my people pay lot o'
    gold an' palm oil, 'stead ob givin' me de trubble. Den he go way, an'
    I grin like sr, 'cos it don't make no dif'funce to me. Ho! ho!
    SECOND NATIVE KING. Well, he can't do nuffink else more better,
    can he ?
    FIRST NATIVE KING. Ho ho! You berry green. He might do
    ting much more 'fectuaL
    SECOND NATIVE KING. What's dat, Jummo ?
    FIRST NATIVE KING. Why, he might kill me 'stead ob de victims.
    Ho! ho!

    NCE when on Margate
    strand I roamed,
    M Or rambled on the
    I thought of mermaidens
    who combed
    Their ringlets; and as
    ocean foamed
    I thus attuned my
    "0 Margate, town of
    coasting men,
    By yonder star that
    To you I fly from
    boasting men
    And thrive upon
    your winkles."
    And as the ships went
    sailing by
    To foreign lands pro-
    I sat upon a railing by
    And murmured forth
    a blessing.
    With peaceful mien I sought again
    The place where I had rambled.
    My quiet mind was full of pain-
    I felt as if I must complain
    As off I homeward shambled.
    For Margate as I knew it once
    Was gone; and as for ocean,
    The sweet cerulean blue it once
    Displayed for my devotion

    Was gone as well, and troubled seas
    Were tempest-tost and roaring-
    Like vision deeply doubled sees
    When put to bed and snoring.

    And, worse than all, the greatest change
    For one who in a meek way
    Tries now and then about to range
    Is, here you find the strangest strange
    Of those who're in the shriek way."
    0 nigger man with tambourine,
    Most pestilent infester,
    Though you may wink your amber ee"''
    You're but a sorry jester.
    And you 0 staunch seafaring man,
    Don't say, Please come a-sailing,"
    Unless you'd make a swearing man
    Of him who's now a wailing.

    Macmillan possesses a good contents list, and some of the least
    promising of the articles give the best return for perusal, "The
    Elder Hamlet" is a careful study, but "London Before the Houses"
    is likely to secure the larger proportion of readers, and deserves them.
    The Rovel is becoming intense. In the Gentleman's the writer whor
    when he writes on gastronomy, chooses to call himself "Fin Bee,"
    continues his "Under Foreign Mahogany," which not only affords
    reminiscent pleasure to those who have explored the Continent, but
    must be found extremely profitable to thosa who yet have -to be
    trained in the way they should go. Mr. Charles Gibbon contributes
    a pretty pastoral story, though how he manages to make a young lady
    fill the place of a lost mother for seven years while one of the children
    is yet but four years old must be explained by him, not us. Red
    Spinner's Log" seems to drag just a bit, though it is eloquence
    itself compared with the letters and recollections of small celebrities.
    Belgravia contains a somewhat curious illustration of an English
    sailor going to sea in sabots and etceteras to match, who is takig
    leave of an equally English wife dressed singularly enough in fua
    French country fig.
    London Society doesn't seem to improve much. Perhaps -this is
    because the far-and-away best thing in the number-" This Son of
    Vulcan "-belongs to the old regime. We rarely open magazines of
    the present day without wondering what sort of people can be
    attracted by pages of feeble pictures for the meaning of which they
    are directed to pages of still feebler verse. Mr. Gordon Thomson's
    illustration is a good deal better than the story it illustrates. The
    seventh number of the Art Monthly Review, a publication we had not
    seen and never heard of before, deserves to be widely known. The
    photographs given with it are well worth preserving. The Sunday at
    Home and Leisure Hou, contain sound if somewhat sectarian reading,
    and the illustrations to the leading story, Boy and Man," in the
    latter miscellany would put much more pretentious publications to the
    Speaking of pictures in periodicals brings one almost naturally
    to the magazine that so ably represents American art, Scribner's,
    which is morethan usually attractive this month with its specimen
    woodcuts of Hide-and-Seek Town" and "Niagara." This is a
    wonderful shillingsworth. and it seems strange it and its relative and
    rival, the Atlantic Monthly, are not more known to those who believe
    in magazine literature. St. Nicho'as completely out-Nicholases any-
    thing this country produces serially for children.
    Tinsley's is a good number, and so is Charing Cross. In Evening
    Hours the facility with which a writer makes verses causes him
    almost to begin guying" his readers in the Keep of Kennaquhair."
    London dramatic critics will fail to find any fresh instruction as to
    duty and decorum this month in the 'estminster Papers. Thomas
    Wingfold, Curate," is a thing to read not only in the Day of Rest but
    on it as well. The Life Boat naturally induces a desire for the sea,
    promoted to incipient mania by the sight of Cook's Excursionist. Of
    other monthlies we have only space to acknowledge St. James's,
    London Magazine, Nautical Magazine, Celtic Magazine, Le Follet,
    Colburn's, Gardener's Magazine, Once- -week, Hardwicke's Science
    Gossip, Journal of Horticulture, Medical Examiner, Peepshow, Golden
    Hours, Sunshine, Pictorial World, &c., &c.

    Romantic Reporting.
    THE Telegraph heads two painful cases of self-destruction Romantic
    Suicides." After this we may expect to see Fascinating Homicides,"
    "Enthralling Manslaughters," "Dramatic Assassinations," "Poetic
    Murders," Thrilling Mutilations," and other well qualified deeds
    of violence figuring upon the contents bill of King Mtesa's own


    72 F TU N. [AUGUST 16, 1876.

    o I A

    Tom (to Jack who has just received a letter) :-"You LOOK PRECIOUS DOWN, OLD MAN! NOTHING WRONG, IS THERE, WITH THE RICH OLD
    Joae :-" ITN--O-SHE'S BETTER !"

    SUERaNDEx of the murderers of Mr. Birch. General opinion pre-
    valent that hanging is too good for them. Good opportunity for the WE can only live once; aRd Death's terrors
    lez talionis, applied literally. = Mr. W. M. Rossetti engaged to revise With Life's bowers and roses entwine!
    and sometimes write anew the painters' biographies in the Eneyelopedia And our lives would be darkened by errors,
    .Britannica. Some of these artists' prospects of immortality couleur Did we even, like cats, possess nine!
    de rose, others only csuleur de Rossetti. = Person, who admits he knows They would be, perhaps, all of them wasted,
    nothing about it, writes to the Times apropos of a recent running-down And be recklessly squandered away-
    case, to know why yachts and small sailing vessels don't give way to And not half of the joys would be tasted
    steamers. So they would, but for the opportunity the present rule of That one Life can embrace in a day!
    the road at sea gives noodles of exploiting their ignorance in the
    columns of the leading journal. = Magnate offers a college 150 a Let the lives that we live be worth living!-
    year for three years to create a new professorship on condition that a Let the days that we spend be well spent !-
    protdgde of his gets the post. We commend this to the notice of other Let s save for the pleasure of giving,
    magnates who like to be generous-and get plenty for money. = And not borrow at fifty per cent.i!
    Another Stokes in trouble, this tin* at Nottingham. Soon one will Let us never cease loving and learning,
    have to fly from a Stokes like he would from a Bankholidaymaker And use life for its noblest of ends.
    or a basilisk. = Great battle between Servians and Turks. Turks Then when dust to its dust is returning,
    victorious." Servians victorious." Turks defeated." "Servians We shall live in the hearts of our friends!
    defeated." (Our private opinion is that there hasn't been a battle
    fought at all yet; because everybody knows you can only win on both
    sides in Ireland.) = One-legged crossing-sweeper writes to the papers Only his Sport.
    contradicting statements made about him in reference to recent THE pursuit of pictorial descriptive writing seems now and again to
    London School Board prosecution. His letter was published because be somewhat painful, or at all events perplexing. Describing North
    he was a literary man with a wooden leg, and all print was open to Woolwich Gardens and the Baby Show, a grandiloquent writer
    him." Seriously, though, such a well-worded and respectable epistle recently said after a burst of journalistic literature, Excuse the
    is in itself a satire on the uses of education. And what are the odds the grammar." There is nothing remarkable about such a request,
    L. S. B. officer could write as good a letter ? = Severe snowstorm and especially when it comes from the big typer of a sporting paper.
    several deaths from cold out at the Cape. Sufferers evidently forgot There is, though, something remarkable about the fact that the par-
    to double the Cape." Verdict: Death through in-Cape-acity, tioular grammar to be excused happened, as grammar should be, to be
    accelerated by a Cape-ricious climate. = Her most gracious and perfectly correct. Perhaps that was the reason why it was to be
    Imperial Majesty the Empress-Queen makes Mr. Disraeli Earl of excused.
    Beaconsfield. Moral: One good turn deserves another.
    WiEN is a mastiff's bark not a mastiffs bark F-When it's in
    A GOOD PLACE FOB CATTLE.-Grazing Lane. abayance.


    SUDDEN changing of skies now casting fryingest of beams upon'
    roastmanity, now pluviously saturating, umbrellas extended notwith-
    standing, and driving the said ianity-not roast now, but dripping-
    in the drownedduckingest manner homeward fastfootedly to little or
    big den of malconstruction and unsanitaryness. Queer weather, queer
    times! Money lying in the bottomest cellars of the red-beadled
    lucreometer of "the Governors and Company," and imitated by
    the money of all other trade centres of civilisation-in idleness and
    uselessness. Dives crying No borrowers!" and Lazarus crying "No
    lenders 1" Every man holding his own, and trusting not even his
    intimatest neighbour fourpence. Queer times, queer men! Bishops
    shaving themselves with sharp razors from their present see to a view
    of futurity. Clergymen blunderbussing their wives, and Ministers
    guineapigging with their relations. Judges treacling colonels and
    brimstoning labourers for one and the same offencedness in the eye of
    the law, and scandal invading every home pennypressed into thu
    service of morbid sensationism, and half-priced and folded at .every
    railway station in the kingdom, warning the workman who takes it,
    with winkles or cresses, home to his tea, and his wife, and his young
    ones. And the many-mouthed loud-lunged friends of the people preach,
    and teach, and shriek, and rave of educationdom, and would have
    every man taught first to pay tithes and taxes and all that his betters
    demand with a smile, and then to read. Oh, shortsighted and
    foolish loudlungers, are we not in queer times when a man who can
    read fears to bring print before him lest reading he turn his back of
    his fellows, and locking himself in the atticest chamber of his tenement
    hold fast to his throat and his money, lest one be cut and the other_ be
    taken from him! If you took your children through queer places
    should they not go eyeshutted, and earcottonwoolled, and noseholden,
    lest they should see or hear or smell "the queer ?" And now, for-
    sooth, in your spoutosity you would take the quickly-acted-upon and
    inflammable masses, and, casting them in the thick of queer times, bid
    them see, and hear, and omell, and reid. Read what ? How they are
    ruled, and what manner of stuff these Governments" are made of ?
    Why that which goeth into the poor mouth is taxed that the rich
    mouth may be dainty ? What manner of men and women these be
    that moth round Court candles and buzz about the Mayfair treacle
    pot ? That they may see "the splendid advantages of education in
    the conduct of upperclassdom and moneydom ? Hardly, my white
    waiscoatedfortysevenportfacedloveshisfellowmanholderforth, hardly, I
    should say. Why then ? That they may sit dirty-faced at home all the
    Sabbath long, letting their imaginations wallow in the filth of specially
    spiced Police and Law Sewage ? That they may know what humbugs
    loud-lungers, and Parliament spouters, and sermonsquirters are?
    Then keen their eves shut. It is better for you and better for them.

    TIE : Midnigkt.
    PaAY pardon my seeming a trifle insane-
    And if I'm erratic, excuse me-- .
    For something's afoot that bewilders my brain,
    A matter that tends to confuse me !
    The verses I'm penning you'll fancy, I fear,
    All known regulations are scorning-
    Still, bear with me though my expressions are quer,.
    I'll tell you the reason-(a word in your ear )-
    I'm off to be wed in the morning !
    Believe me the maid I intend to espouse,
    Like those whom we read of in story,
    Would cause even hermits to cancel their vois,
    Or poets to forfeit their glory.
    Besides, I assure you her wonderful mind
    Excels e'en her beauty's adorning-
    Such grace and such wisdom, so deftly combined,
    Were never before to a damsel assigned-
    And lo she'll be mine in the morning
    Farewell to my numerous bachelor chums,
    Adieu to the latchkey I carried-
    Good-bye to all levity !-ill it becomes
    A man who's about to get married.
    In future I'll try "' to be good "-by-the-by4,
    I've given my landlady warning
    And paid my arrears, though it cost me q sit:
    But now I rejoice-and a good reason why,--
    I'm .ff to get p~ced in the morning:!
    ... -. .- -:-
    Ma. DISRAELI. Hullo, Lowe! How are you? Go'
    your holidays at Retford ?
    Ma. LowE. No. I'm preparing a speech about d
    so as to get it off my tongue before the Vivisection 7
    Ma. DisuxALI. Bill doesn't apply to "coV Adg
    Don't hurry. Here, what's the difference betw' Jill's
    " courtesy ?" -blood
    MR. LowE. Oh, hang your country co-' en you a
    Ma. DISAELIr. Yes, I know the tiny
    the answer? artesy."
    MR. Lows (gruffly). Well? isn't in your
    MR. DISBAELI. Because one's a
    Lowe. Ta-ta! o_____


    -ag to spen
    ing Premier
    ed animals.
    nd a country

    line. Hav




    oand th~e o~e o
    Ihr o

    Education would do them fifty percent. more harm than drink. THE honorary secretary 0 Aest Pride
    Give.me some gin and a churchwarden. the City of London Court a Surrey Athletic Club being sued ine.
    ," cups" presented by hi the vSalu e of sometc Club er sued
    Printer's Pie-ty. and put his father inm club as prizes, pleaded that h aver-plated
    Ta BEut End News, most Poplar of local periodicals, contains the to be proul of that r Ane box to prove it Thatbowas an infant,
    advertisement of a pawnbroker who boasts the patronage of Sir know the amount oy. And, talking about pride w s father ought
    E. H. Currie, the vicar, and many other reverend gentlemen whose feel in having f it the honest winners of such honourable trophies
    names are fully set out. This is more probably than not another .on them. trophies
    mistake of "that sub-editor," but under any circumstances it should
    not be surprising to find clergymen's names attached to an English IsCifu Hard Lines.
    mont de pit.d, thatt" C IES into the terrible Radatock collision have elicited the fact
    Bydeculous. She' ote some verses on Carte, the engine driver who was killed at
    SoMEznon sends us an Isle of Wight paper with the evident desire It! pton Mallet." The retribution, though low, is to be regretted at
    of our making fun of an old widow lady's being described as a "relic." w is certainly hard that a man who has celebrated another deatht d.
    Why not ? Surely she is all that is left, and therefore the term is iveral lines should meet his own on a single one. her deh
    right. Sufficiently right, judging by the rest of the paper, for the
    wights of Wight, whose paper seems little likely ever to make their A Leap Y r.
    become the wights of wit. A NMAp AM5 Lo hs iard
    MADAME LUL has achieved an advertisement at the ex
    good shaking e of our contemporaries gives what it calls "wo
    Retd, Not Right. m a n theaffair. "Seasons," t should be ford
    THE London Scottish Journal goodnaturedly enough objects the Fall went oddly enough together should be, for the Spring and
    way in which we print Scotch jokes. That we are able to pr -to the ________
    at all should be satisfactory to our representative contempor Ant them f d So
    it be satisfied to speak for the London Scottish, and allow ary. Let Of a Sudden Shock."
    the London Scotch. us to speak TLEGRAM from Rome states that an Enishman was ounddead
    the other morning in his bath. "Hewasa e... r ma... ,... bly
    No Star. in the one short pithy e aware ga
    "AN exciting scene," says the Globe, "was *witnessed on Bank sentence.
    Holiday at Blackpool, when a professional swim ,ner, who was about to A tatuetoy De
    amuse the public by his feats, was carried 0oat to sea and drowned." white marble statue tor ecrtn
    Exciting! Doubtless the Bank Holiday 14olic appreciated t exce. untve dtamabe sttue of the Pri.nce onsort by oley e o be
    ent. Blackpool s an ominous word connection withlosing a ke ornament in Hyde Park, the h of th r


    AUGUST 16, 1876.]





    [AGUeST 16, 1876.

    I' A GIFTED lover of the Muse
    Is he who now addresses you-
    His tittle-tattle pray excuse,
    1" If he, perchance, distresses you!
    ___ Full often he evolves a lay
    I Of rather novel type, he does-
    And puffs the while his lowly clay "-
    S The poet loves his pipe, he does!
    Yea, frequently, when penning rhymes
    To eulogize a lass or two,
    He feels athirst, and oftentimes
    "' Indulges in a glass or two:
    MI uch "heavy-wet" he'll fondly quaff
    S(Unless a trifle queer he is);
    At times he'll punish half-and-half-
    1 The poet's fond of beer, he is!
    And when the wife, who shares his woes
    (As oft she will) is jawing him,
    Then forth into the streets he goes,
    Till hunger's pangs are gnawing him.
    Ere starting out his wife he whops"
    To soothe his troubled soul, he does;
    And then he seeks refreshment-shops-
    And buys a sausage-roll, he does!
    The poet's dwelling isn't grand,
    S 'Of furniture it scanty is :
    A certain alley off the Strand
    Is where his humble shanty is.
    His chamber's rather near the sky,
    Remote from all inquisitors:
    L.o,.'t call whene'er you're passing by-
    TRUE POLITENESS. He doesn't care for visitors!
    '"ExcusE x, SIR, aBT YOU'VE DROPPED YOUR CIGAR ASH ON YOUR THE last Rows of Summer took place on
    ART R OF ANT TH OURAN NEE I FUS WITH G YOU' the various rivers and seas during the past
    QARTRa or A HeOR, AD I NEVER INTERFERED WITH YOU! A ToiM DE "FORcE."-A policeman's beat.



    "When Cameron Men are (not) Wanted."
    THE editor of an extremely serious paper had the other day to
    forbid his contributors the use of the Pickwick, the Owl, and the
    Waverley pens." He found that with them writing became so in-
    tolerably easy that every member of his staff wanted to do double his
    usual quantity of work, and insisted on taking only half his usual
    amount of money. In the interests, therefore, of free trade and no
    monopoly he has sent round a circular to all members of the literary
    protection society proposing that the manufacturers of these dangerous
    implements shall be bought off; otherwise the knack of writing will
    become twice as easy as before, and everybody will be wanting to
    become his own journalist. Subscriptions received here.
    The Baring Reign.
    MR. ANDERSON speaking in the House upon the atrocities entitled
    Bulgarian remarked, "I fear that Mr. Baring who has been com-
    missioned to inquire into these outrages is not in a position to gain
    the necessary information." No one will deny that if the report of
    these outrages be true they are past Baring.
    A Servian Atrocity.
    Ma. Risrics is the great man in Servia at present. Of course he
    presents the aRisticocratic element of society there.
    By TELEGRAPH TO AFRICA.-" On, Stanley, on! "
    NOTICE !- Next week,

    PRINCE o ILAN s_


    S" W can bear personal tesetony to its value as a tonic."-:Stadard.
    SI fnd It to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. T ffa4ll, M.D.
    Prnted by JUDD & CO., Phbmnl Works, St. Andrew's Hilin, Dtors' Commons. and Published ffor the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street. E.O.-Londoe August 16, 1876

    DON'T judge by appierances.
    Bathe with the regularity of a mach the waves breaker to them
    Don't surf-eit yourself.
    If your little daughter is frightened am.
    gradually. ,
    Imitate the ocean and be tide-y. 'he sea, for they often
    Don't imitate the rivers when they rush into .
    foam at the mouth.
    If you take a boat don't let the owner see you. inds.
    Freely exchange your coppers for the brass of the b.
    Don't be Niggerdly with the Christys. d upon, but
    As fish are caught by the gross don't be grossly impost
    give "net" price.
    If you are offered a free sail don't be idiyachtic and refuse.
    A Tory Oracle., al
    ON the cover of Mr. Hatton's clever novel, Olytie," is a testimony -
    fromthe standard, which, to ourpeor minds, is eomewhatambiguous. 1h
    Ssays:-" The author writes like a scholar, and yet like a man who has
    watched life." It would be interesting to know whether this rather
    curious combination of ideas was suggested by want of scholarship, or r
    scholarly want of the watching of life-or both. In any case, the
    notion should not be allowed to escape, as it certainly has the
    advantage if it possesses no other, of being one of the very few origin -
    remarks which reach the world by way of Shoe-lane and our "largest
    -A--'. Q ua e.-Prince Milan's hat.


    Polite Youth:-'
    Crusty old Gent:-"


    AUGUST 23, 1876.]



    V111,1, ,, o' -AY RDO
    ( ,/

    We start in company.

    We seek a room.

    We do a constitutional.

    x,' g ^ \

    We go for a blow on the Parnde.

    ,EKE S /I' k'., SHAWID ,

    We have sport on the sands. Refreshment.


    The return to town.

    Subsequent coldness,

    At rest


    Our toilet.

    We take a drive.

    A spill.

    VOL. xxiv.



    [AUGUST 23, 1876.

    WHY is it so hoti? I inquire,
    But get no sufficient reply:
    Some say, there's no heat without fire,
    Where then is the fire P-And why ?
    Some say, we'd no summer last year,
    And so, as a set off," the sun
    Has made up its mind to appear
    And give us two summers in one!
    Why is it so hot ? Now the days
    Grow small with the pressure of night.
    Compression of air, Tyndall says,
    Produces caloric-he's right!
    If that's not the cause, can it be
    The thunder of war in the wind ?
    I have it! It is because we
    Now live neathh the Empress of Ind!

    Spirit Schooling,
    THE Spiritualist has succeeded in producing
    a letter written after death by a gentleman
    who has recently been very notoriously dead
    indeed. But that is not all the spirit journal
    has done. It has managed to make a man
    who wrote like a cultivated person and a
    scholar in life rap out a communication the
    wording of which is very like the effusions of
    schoolboys before and after the holidays. It
    may be interesting, in these days of com-
    pulsory education, for Board inspectors to
    know that everything has to be begun all
    over again among "the majority." And so
    perhaps the Spiritualist has served a wider
    purpose than even the unravelment of the
    Balham Mystery.

    A TU r NOTE.-Geel

    TUST now when the
    weather is so hot, and
    when aquatic feats have
    received an importance
    S- never before possessed
    by them; when gentle-
    -.- ~ men professors swim
    twenty miles before
    S breakfast, and lady no-
    --i-, vices disport themselves
    .- in the sylvan Thames
    S. and are often mistaken
    for whitebait ; when
    people on dry land speak
    -- of a swim from Dover
    to Calais as rather less
    than nothing; when
    swimming has become
    an accepted part of an
    Englishman's art edu-
    cation; and when, in
    S- spite of all this, there
    are more accidental
    deaths from drowning
    "" than ever were hitherto
    known;-just now, I
    say, it would be as well if the feats as well as the fate of Alnaschar
    Smith were known to a sympathising public.
    Smith was ambitious; and what is more, he read his penny daily
    regularly. He had an intuitive perception that if fame came to him
    at all it would come by means of the water; and he loved the water
    accordingly. He had never seen the ocean, but on his way from
    Chelsea, whfre he lived, to Southwark, where he was employed,
    he had many an opportunity of studying the vasty Thames and the
    boats which ply thereon. Once he even went as far as Woolwich,
    and with the acquisition of fresh knowledge, so did the thirst for
    fame increase within his bosom.
    In the midst of his desire came the news of that American gentle-
    man with the indiarubber suit and the advertising agents, and in
    reading of the way in which the inflation of the apparatus and
    floating arrangements generally went on, Smith nearly went mad,

    and actually was treated by the family doctor for water on the brain.
    Then came the famous exploit of Captain Webb; and after studying
    the reports of that, our hero took to his bed and dreamt that he, too,
    had paddled himself into notoriety and testimonials. While he was
    looking out of window in the morning, he saw a hencoop floating
    majestically on the wave. He saw it, and at once his mind was
    made up.
    If it wanted any more making, the exhibitions which followed
    upon Webb's achievement would have decided him. Feats of en-
    durance by girls who were buoyed up by the tide and the howls of
    attendant mobs, fired Smith's soul more than ever, and when at last a
    professor went all the way from Hammersmith to the Isle of Dogs, a
    human and an ambitious nature could stand it no longer.
    After the Isle of Dogs deed the summer began to wane, and autumn
    and winter, as well as the spring of the present year, saw Alnaschar
    ousy, whenever he had a leisure moment, preparing for his turn. First of
    all he procuredahencoop, and had itmade waterproof in a mannerhe had
    discovered for himself. Then he had it stuffed with indiarubber air
    balloons. Next he gave it another coat of waterproof, to make sure.
    Finally he purchased a flag and a suit of canvas, which he also
    waterproofed. Then he was ready. He would on this hencoop start
    from Chelsea, and ride steadily to Australia. He had also saved one-
    and-four-pence with which to purchase provisions, and he had no fear,
    for at last he saw fame looming immediately before him.
    His preparations brought him well into the- middle of the present
    summer, and at last all was ready for a start. He would send notice
    to all the daily and sporting papers, so there should be no doubt of his
    going, and no want of people to bear testimony to his at once
    initiatory and farewell appearance. But before he did this he would
    rehearse a bit. So in the middle of the might he went down to
    the river, got upon his hencoop, and jumped boldly in just opposite
    Chelsea College.
    But, alas! owing to some small defect, the waterproof wouldn't act,
    the balloons leaked, and he, hencoop and all, went under, and as neither
    could swim they remained there. And the moral of this is that Boyton,
    Webb, the Misses Beckwith and Parker, and even Professor Cavill
    have survived their long and dreadfully foolhardy attempts; but
    Smith, who had ensured safety by a special plan, and who was really
    the first to think of aquatic fame, was drowned when only trying to
    cross from Chelsea to Battersea on a fine night, and on an instrument
    which without any waterproofing at all, has, in books, saved myriads
    of men alone upon the vast and open ocean.

    AUGUST 23, 1876.) FUN. 77

    N- \-J\

    Imogene 8. (who has been waiting her opportunity) :-" No THANK YOU, I'D MUCH RATHER STAY HERE. I CAN'T BEAR a well8"

    Os, bother the Telegraph-take it away,
    I've been reading the whole of this terrible day,
    And the sun, which is frying the top of my head,
    Has mingled and muddled the things I have read.
    I've a notion-good gracious, my brain's in a whirl--
    That her Majesty's made Dr. Gully an earl,
    That Disraeli's discovered the source of the Nile
    By hanging Home Rulers in Indian file.
    That Stanley at issue with Lewis and James
    Is calling a coroner horrible names.
    Do I wake, do I dream, do I stand on my heels ?
    Are the Serbs killed at Radstock by Dutchmen on wheels ?
    The Sultan of Turkey do Keighleyites hail
    For declining to vaccinate Holloway jail ?
    Oh, what will those impudent deputies think ?
    Here's Hennessy standing great Blackie a drink!
    While Hunt, in his gentle and timorous way,
    Is poulticing Lulu in Besika Bay!
    And Noel, the brand new Controller of Works,
    Is ordering harems as built by the Turks!
    How strange it appears that the speech from the Throne
    Should be played at Bayreuth on the drum and trombone,
    While Oakley is swimming from Dover to France
    To collect the new loan which the peasants advance.
    It is funny Bulgarian maids should be found
    Smashing palings which Plumstead enclosures surround.
    But why do I wonder at things any more
    For I'm quietly roasting behind and before F
    And if aught is surprising 'tis how I survive
    While the heat in the shade is one hundred and five.

    ENGLAND'S LATEST Gizr To TuRxEY.-A Valentine from Horse-

    THE summary of a heap of letters we have recently received
    resolves itself into exactly this question: How long is the pigheadel-
    ness of juries to continue ?" To those who put the question in
    exactly these words, as well as to those who merely suggest it, we can
    only say the answer is so obvious that we wonder such trouble was
    taken with the question. The solution of the riddle should run: As
    long as juries do. (When Trial by Press has completely upset the
    jury system we shall offer a prize for the principal pighead. And he'll
    be well worth it.)

    THE Times contains an article, seven columns long, detailing the
    doings of the Conservative Session of 1876. This in itself speaks for
    the way in which space is cut to waste at the very commencement of
    the dead season. It would have been possible under more pressing
    circumstances to reduce the analysis to one word, unless indeed an
    additional one-a particularly strong adjective-were found necessary
    for more emphatic qualification.

    Songs of the Desert.
    "THE camels are coming." The bells, they go ringing for
    Sahara." Johnny Sands," and Scheikh comes! 'tis she herself "
    "Simple Simoon" is not appropriate.

    "Blood! Iago I Blood I "
    THE aristocracy are quite justified in their pride of pedigrees, for
    what can be more logical than being vein of one's blood, imm-arterial
    as it may appear to some P

    POLICE INTELLIGENCE."-Offering 250 reward for a murderer
    after fifty times the amount has been expended without obtaining the
    slightest evidence of such a person's existence.
    THE ABSOLUTE WORST.-Why did Dizzy make himse'f a peer ? To
    keep up appearances.


    [AUGUST 23, 1876.

    FUN OFFICE,' Wednesday, August 23, 1876.
    (THE Exounsiosio's ENcon SONG.)
    AwAY from the city let's speed to the sea-
    Away from the town to the ocean;
    Let's rest in the village that's down by the lee
    Of the cliffs that are washed by the boundless, the free-
    The object of poets' devotion.
    Away, then, away-not a moment delay,
    Time flies, and we haven't an instant to lose;
    Up, up with the steam ere we wake from a dream,
    To stay-at-home truth and a fit of the blues.
    Away, let's away, ere we get a recall,
    Away, and no procrastination.
    Let's waste not a moment, for fear we should fall
    Into panic, and end by not going at all-
    Our means never bear contemplation.
    Up, up, and get out, and mind what you're about,
    A week come to-morrow, returned we must be.
    Cut along to the pier; don't delay, there's a dear!
    Let's make the best use of our time by the sea.
    So many accurate reasons have been given to prove that Mr. Disraeli
    was wrong to hide the old name he had made famous under a new
    title, lnd'so many other equally accurate reasons have been published
    which show that the Premier was perfectly right in adding freshlustre
    to his laurels, that it seems almost a work of supererogation for us to
    approach the subject, no matter what attitude we take or which side
    we espouse. Still, it would be hardly fair to let so important an event
    pass without a word of criticism, even though it be the wrong word.
    Mr. Disraeli has, during the past Session, done more for Conservatism
    than any other man in the Lower House could have done; more than
    any other man of position would have tried to do; pore than he cares
    to do or to attempt to do again. The amount of tact and energy and
    brain power he has brought to bear on the bolstering of the Con-
    servative cause is best shown by the manner in which he has broken
    down occasionally under the last straw of small or undignified attack;
    and it is evident that he does not intend to repeat thepast in the future.
    Mr. Disraeli has served his party well, and he would not now leave it
    unless it were likely to leave him before long. We do not wish to
    make unpleasant comparison or to refer to vulgar aphorism; but if
    ever the "hand" of the Conservative party was shown it was on the
    day when its head and chief resigned his active participation in it.
    Meanwhile, the Liberals seem hardly prepared to take advantage of the
    position which offers itself. It is said that, when the hour arrives the
    man is never far off, but where he is to come from and which side he
    will take time alone can show. Meanwhile, there is much chance for
    the mediocrities, as under the leadership of Northcote on the one side
    and Hartington on the other, the difficulty will be for anyone of an
    aspiring turn of mind and the most moderate ability not to distinguish
    The Hatcham Case.
    IT is announced that the Rev. Mr. Tooth will continue to officiate
    at the altar "until he is removed by brute force." Removing a tooth
    by brute force from Mother Church's mouth! Gum! let us bruit
    it not about-unless the operation would make the reverend gentleman
    hold his jaw! This remark is inci-dental.

    His Mar and Marfori.
    MARIouR is to be elected a deputy of the Spanish' Cortes. The
    members who assisted at the dethronement of Isabella are to be
    kicked out. This is the news from Spain :-Alfonso's future is
    evidently marred for ever-his hold upon the Spanish throne is
    (s)mothered in its infancy.
    Base Ingratitude.
    THx Globe abuses Lord Halfhartington, and compares him to the
    gaudy figure-head of a ship, which has no influence on its motion.
    Conservatives are a mean lot. They think it fine sport to kick the
    man who's been their best friend all through the Session.

    The Under Lock and Keighley Men.
    A SYMPATHISING correspondent in a provincial newspaper says the
    Keighley guardians have made an emphatic protest against a
    tyrannical law. Considering what they object to, their protest is
    rather a lymphatic one.
    Ir you are asked to dinner by five," don't go be-four.

    THIS was the 91st day of this famous inquiry, held at the Butter-
    cup and Ballet Girl Inn, Olapham. The coroner was knocked back-
    wards into his seat about twenty minutes past ten, and explained that
    he was a lone lorn creature, and he'd quite forgotten what it was all
    about. The potman, addressing the jury, commented upon things in
    general, and eventually informed the coroner that this was an inquiry
    into the death of an alligator, whose skeleton had been found by some
    workmen while removing the foundation of a Roman fortress under
    Clapham Common, and that the Government had taken the matter up.
    Mrs. Brown, who was known to have been living when a little girl m
    the neighbourhood, was the first witness called. The jury and their
    wives and relations having scrutinized her features through their
    opera glasses, refreshments were handed round, and counsel proceeded
    to toss for priority of examination. The coroner was about to say
    something, but several members of the bar threw ginger-beer bottles
    at him, and the jury remarked that they didn't want no speeches. A
    violent altercation here ensued between the counsel for the Crown and
    Mr. Jones, who appeared for a lady who once had an alligator. The
    coroner having got up the chimney out of the way, the inquiry pro-
    ceeded. Mrs. Brown, having been sketched by the newspaper artists
    present and searched for alligator bones by the female searcher, was
    pinioned and placed on the rack. Mr. Jones, who was much cheered
    by his clerk, rose, and seizing the witness by the throat proceeded
    with her examination.
    MR. J. Woman, will you swear that one of your ancestors wasn't
    put in the pillory in the reign of Charles II. ?
    M SBRtEAT CALAIS objected. What has that to do with the
    alligator P
    MR. J. Now, woman, on your oath, didn't your great grandfather
    die in his bed F
    WITNESS (hesitatingly). He did. (Sensation.)
    MI J. I have here a letter written by you to your charwoman
    twenty years ago. You say, "Do all you can to destroy those
    beetles." Now I ask you, Why did you want those beetles destroyed ?
    WrerI ss (weeping). Must I answer that question ?
    Ma. PRSax. As your own counsel, I advise you to do so.
    WINErSs. Because I had an antipathy to beetles.
    MR. J. You say when you have an antipathy to anything you
    destroy it ?
    THa AssEssoR (writing). When I have an antipathy to anything
    I destroy it.
    SERJBANT C. I protest against these words being put into
    witness's mouth.
    Tam JunR-. Don't interrupt. We don't want no speeches.
    MR. J. Was yourname Miss Herod before you were married ?
    WITNESS. It was.
    MR. J. On your oath, woman, is it or is it not a fact that some
    years ago a person named Herod was convicted of murdering little
    children ? (Sensation.)
    WrrNEss. I appeal to the coroner: what has this to do with the
    CoR NER (up chimney). Don't appeal to me, mum. I'm a lone
    lorn critter. Everybody sits on me. Bo-ooh-ooh (Weeps.)
    COUNSEL FOR CROWN. Officer, if that person interrupts again take
    him down to the Treasury, and ask one of the temporary clerks to
    kick him.
    MR. J. (suddenly producing an alligator from his waistcoat pocket).
    Lucrezia Borgia Brinvilliers de Medicis Herod Brown, did you ever
    see that before ?
    SEJEANT. C. Do you -.
    THB JuRT. We don't want no speeches.
    MR. J. This is the most mysterious thing in the world. Somebody
    must have put it in my pocket while I was coming down on the omnibus.
    THE POTMAN. Get out Oh, crikey, you are a rum 'un I
    At this juncture the coroner was allowed to descend, as Mr. Jones's
    hat wanted brushing. The coroner said he was quite willing to
    oblige, and anything the legal gentlemen ordered him to do he should
    be most happy. Before the proceedings could be resumed one of the
    jury developed insanity, which he explained had been in the family
    for years. He was instantly elected foreman, in place of the former
    occupant of that position, who had been discharged from Earlswood
    some three weeks previously. While the change was taking place the
    counsel decided that it was too hot to go on, and asked the jury for a
    verdict. The coroner said he should like to sum up, but the jury said
    they didn't want no speeches, and immediately gave the following
    verdict:-" That the deceased alligator was found dead in the base-
    ment of an old Roman fortress, that he didn't die of his own accord;
    that he didn't die accidentally; but that he did die somehow, and was
    killed by somebody."
    The coroner thereupon handed the jury fourpence, which they
    threw in his eye; but the solicitor to the Treasury picked it up, and,
    adding a halfpenny to it, offered it as a reward for 'the discovery of



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    0 BLeSSxn Righteousness of English law !-
    Great Non-Existent! I have dreamed a dream-
    At least I think I must have dreamed a dream;
    Or have I read of facts, and (holding them
    Too hateful to be true) believed I dreamed ?
    No, Great Nonentity; I must have dreamed,
    Because I know my mind connected thee
    With thoughts of Inquisitions and the stake,
    And ghastly torture-chambers and the like,-
    And how could one awake think on thee thus P
    Great Non-Existent, I have surely dreamed,
    Because I saw a chamber wherein men
    Held an inquiry on the case of one
    Who died by poison: and, intent, I learned
    How this inquiry was a mere excuse
    For wanton torture. So I knew I dreamed!
    And in that place were men-respected men,
    Who came from out the universities
    And teemed with legal learning, and were known
    As barristers and lawyers. But these men
    I knew were there as executioners
    With cunning skill in torture. Thus again
    I knew I dreamed, 0 great Nonenity !
    For what great scholar, learned in the law,
    Would deign to do the work of torture ?
    And these, selecting from amid a crowd
    Of certain called as witnesses, drew forth
    A woman (as a being more refined,
    More sensitive to torment and to shame
    Than any man might be), and set her high
    To question her-to watch her agony,
    And drag to view her whole domestic life
    For their diversion; all the daily acts
    Which all men do, feeling no shame in them,
    But reading of them, speak of them as crimes.
    And first, with placid self-complacency
    Those lawyers, loudly chanting, murmured thus:-

    Men of learning, true and just,
    Faithfully we keep our trust.
    For our souls are pure and bright
    As the light.
    Nothing in our past but may
    Freely bear the light of day,
    Closest scrutiny revealing.
    Spotless honour, noblest aim-
    Not a single deed of shame-
    Nothing which could need concealing ;
    Nought of blame.
    Haste we to our avocation-
    Blast the victim's reputation,
    Branding her with taint of critre
    Thus providing recreation
    For the public for a time.
    Haste we to our avocation,
    Men of learning true and just;
    Faithfully we'll keep our trust,
    Breeding scandalous sensation.

    Then ceasing their refrain, these spotless
    (For such they must have been, holding such power)
    Began to bait her-straying from the case
    Of him who died of poison (for that was
    A mere excuse-a ground to work upon
    For better torturing), amused themselves
    With hearing all her inmost acts of life
    From her own lips-and made her blush and wince
    And sob and writhe-and I was forced to list,
    They dinned the thing so loudly at mine ear !
    Then I was glad, 0 great Nonentity,
    That I was sure I dreamed, and knew these things
    Were not, nor could be, in a land like mine!
    These having done their rart, lo! jurymen
    With quaint amusement, then took up the chaunt
    All in the same low tones of dignity:-

    Men of learning true and just
    Now to us the task entrust;
    And the more enduring smait
    To impart!
    We are men of steady lives-
    We have mothers, daughters, wives:
    We are men of Christian feel; g.
    We will place a lasting blot
    On the victim's future lot:
    All her sobs and mute appee ling
    Heed we not.
    Though no proofs we have detects 1
    That she ought to be suspected,
    Yet with shapeless thoughts of crin e
    Shall her name be still connected
    Even to the end of time.
    Thus do we fulfil our mission :
    Even to the latest day,
    All the world shall shrink away,
    Looking on her with suspicion.
    Then, great Nonentity, I seemed to see
    These men-the learned men-receive their hire
    And seek fresh victims; then I laughed for joy
    To know, 0 mighty Fable, that I dreamed,
    And that such men did not exist on earth.
    And then I saw her go into the world;
    And some there were who pitied her, and some
    Who shrank from her-but all, I fancied, felt
    Something impassable twixtt her and them,
    But knew not how, nor why, nor what it was.
    And some there were condemned those erredd men,
    And some there were who loathed them-I for one.
    And then I waked, 0 great Nonentity-
    0 Blessed Righteousness of English Law!
    Joying that I had only dreamed a dream;-
    At least I hope I only dreamed a dream!

    The Unstraight Tip.
    NINETY INE thousand -nine- hundred and-ninety-nine-and-a-half
    correspondents express themselves entitled to inquire how it is possible
    for a protracted investigation of a mysterious matter to be holden in a
    billiard-room without the public receiving even so mueh as a cue. It
    is curious, isn't it ?

    AouseT 23, 1876.]

    84 FU N [AUGUST 23, 1876.


    a private dis-
    And telling the
    troubles that
    grieve me,
    I'll try if you listen
    my woes to ex-
    S- Expression alone
    can relieve me.
    The journals I pur-
    chase, and search
    S them all through,
    Then suffer from
    vilest of va-
    From title to finish
    there's nothing
    that's new-
    There's nothing to
    read in the pa-

    _--j The Parliament's up
    and the swells
    are away,
    No creature in
    town's to be
    found now;
    I'm forced to remain
    but I cannot be
    Of mirth there is
    seldom a sound

    THE firing of one hundred guns from the fortress
    this forenoon proclaimed to the world of Belgrade that
    a son and heir was born to Prince Milan Obrendvitch."
    Not a bad bunkuming-beginning, we mean-for a
    telegram. Had it appeared in any paper other than
    the leading journal, we and others with us would not
    have scrupled to call this and what follows true repre-
    sentative penny-a-linage. There is, however, a dignity
    which doth hedge a threepence It has been confidently
    asserted in influential, quarters that Prince Milan
    What'shisvitch is a son of a gun; his baby is evidently,
    after all this firing and the report thereof, the son-of-a-

    The Human Comedy.
    IN an agonised and anonymous advertisement appears
    a reminder to the advertised that he, she, or it had once
    said, 'I will always give you a chance of defending
    yourself." Unfortunate advertiser, not to have known
    that the people most profuse in their professions of
    constancy, who are prepared to swear at a moment's
    notice that they would never suspect a friend-for
    " f iends can do no wrong "-are ever the most suspicious,
    the most incredulously credulous, and the most unfor-
    giving. The man who says I will always give you a
    chance of defending yourself" is much more likely
    to always give you occasion for defence.

    Bravery Rewarded.
    SOME people profess to be shocked that only five
    pounds has been subscribed for the testimonial to John
    Chiddy, the Flying Dutchman hero. Let them have the
    consolation of knowing that, at any rate, it proves the
    English people consider one working man is worth five
    The Eastern Feud.
    OuR excitable contributor is much interested in
    Eastern affairs. The other day he startled the
    frequenters of his favourite cookshop by ordering some
    Turkey, a pint of fez, and a Serviaette, with some bully
    au crek cent Pashaly cooked to follow.

    I thought from the journals I'd garner delight:
    'Tis time for the wonderment-shapers,
    Who live on sea-serpents, with gooseberries fight-
    There's nought about them in the papers.
    I wanted to read of adventure and strife,
    Of miracle, murder, ballooning,
    Of men in the moon taking women to wife,
    Of men in the south who go spooning;-
    Of men who went up in an airship one night,
    Astonishing thousands of gapers,
    To find out the source of the man-and-dog fight-
    There's nothing like that in the papers.
    I thought I should read of a comet to come,
    Or else of the star that enjoys it;
    That one would discover a monsterous plum
    Before the frog-shower destroys it;
    That water was wet and the Thames was afire,
    That Holland was sold at the drapers';
    That tenors ere now have been found in the choir-
    There's nothing like that in the papers.
    I used the dead season to look to with glee
    To look back upon it with pleasure.
    Wherever my residence happened to be
    A newsboy to me was a treasure.
    Facts change. But mayhap I'm commencing too soon,
    They can't from their bonds be escapers.
    Their time hasn't come. When it does, what a boon-
    To find something to read in the papers!

    A Tight Line.
    THE new ehief superintendent of police for Birmingham has given
    instructions to the public-house inspectors to prosecute all persons
    found in the public thoroughfares under the influence of drink. A
    thorough fair way of settling a difficulty, but just at present as many
    people are likely to be found under the influence of 'eat as drink.


    AUGUST 23, 1876.] FTUN. 85


    Two minutes to catch the train: Study of a "Qu-ue" waiting while a bland dame wavers for ten minutes as to whether she shall pay in a threep(n-y piece
    or three pennies

    The Sw e Lady who gets into a smoking carriage and complains that smoke always makes her cough.

    The Genial Old Gentleman who prefers to leave the booking hole the wrong way.

    8G F N.o [AuGusT 23, 1876.

    WHENEVER a holiday falls to my share,
    Which happens, say, thrice in a year-
    I gaily emerge, so to speak, from my lair,
    And stroll to a neighboring pier.
    I purchase a ticket with little delay,
    ,O- D .I ,And soon on a steamer embark,
    Intent upon having a glorious day
    With the children in Battersea Park!
    I like to see youngsters enjoying themselves,
    And frequently share in the fun.
    By Jove, they remind me of lairyland elves-
    And can't the young vagabonds run
    Each pinafored pet is a picture to aoe
    They flutter like birds on the wing-
    It gladdens my heart to partake of their glee,
    And join them at kiss in tho ring I
    Anon, Nshen the skipping-rope comes into view,
    The cherry-lipped maidens of six
    Request me to help them to turn," and I do-
    Enjoying their infantine tricks.
    I love to amuse them-(and why should I not ?
    Z I know that they've innocent hearts ')-
    e e dAnd soon make arrangements for treating the lot
    To sherbet, and toffee, and tarts!
    The bystanders probably think me insane-
    Astonishment beams in their eyes,
    I never mind that, for the children, 'tis plain,
    Believe I'm an earl in disguise !
    At length, when the sunlight is fading away,
    And my playmates begin to disperse,
    h I leave-having spent an enjoyable day,
    Assured that I might have done worse!

    --'Music for "Pan's" Garden Party.
    --- "~VW other (two) lips." "Would you know my
    Dahlia's charms P" "Black-ey'd ,loesan." (" Does
    JEWDICIAL. my Sweet William ?) "The Cruiskeen Lawn."
    "Thou art so near and yet so fir!" "Jessie-mine."
    .Aristlorat:- "TaLL YER VOT IT IF, HIKaY. BaLHTON AIN'T 'ARF so "Love among the roses." "TheBellering-er." "Music
    AR IosroCRATIC AS IT USED TO 3E! of the Fuchsia," and Come genteel !"

    DO S AND LIN.S. dants at St. Helena. Others expected to go off gradually and appro-
    REPOBT of Commissioners in Lunacy states that there is an increase privately during the "dead" season. = Change in the weather. It
    of over eleven hundred in the number of lunatics for the year. At would be a change if it didn't change, wouldn't it.?
    last, then, we have arrived at the real truth about Conservative
    Reaction. = Mr. Commissioner Kerr laments the loss of that "fine old A Gnatty Affair,
    English institution- the pillory." Some day some one may lament the A GENTLEMAN writes to say that he was stung the other day by a
    loss of that equally fine old English institution- Mr. Commissioner gnat, and the place, instead of swelling, bled profusely. lie adds:-
    Kerr. = Execution of two murderers at Liverpool. Coroner took "Is not this a peculiar symptom ? We should say no, a very
    occasion to object to the "long drop." But then a report states that gnatural one.
    both had a "drop o' short "just before. Coroners don't seem to know
    what they do want just now. The salted Fish gave off an essay on The Legal Flame.
    journalism. He also indulged in the usual disgraceful cant, and went A GENTLEMAN in Paris, being in a temper with his wife, poured
    to the scaffold a hero and a martyr." What possible good, we petroleum on her, and, setting light to it, burned her to a cinder. He
    should like to know, can come of these horrible antemortem profanities F was put out at the time-unfortunately she wasn't.
    And what harm may not? = Duke of Connaught to be present at
    Austrian military maucouvres in Zistersdorf. Mayor and town clerk
    of Bradford will attend and give the foreigners an exhibition of A General Loss.
    exuberant loyalty as displayed from dog-carts. = Rear-Admiral De GENERAL CUsTER who was killed in the Sioux massacre was heavily
    Horsey appointed to command of Pacific fleet. Much satisfaction insured in five life offices. Not a profitable customer for them.
    expressed among the De HIorsey marines on that station. The telling
    of marines said to have been extremely effective. = Diamonds "dirt Queries for the Dog Days.
    cheap" at the Cape. Koh-i-noors going begging at fourpence a Queries for the Dog Days.
    pound, and all smaller stones consigned to the diamond-duathole. = Is Scotland a machination ? What kind of dog is aPa-and.ma'stiff ?
    Death of another "positively last survivor" of Napoleon I.'s atten- Can Mr. Stanley get africandeau at his African baker's ?

    Postal Telegraph Pens E
    With Turned.-up Points.
    The smoothest writer ever made.
    Of i Statine. Sample ox r 7 or 13 sMt mW.

    F~e Mhenifacor"i SEWING Mo se
    Prospect .....97Cheapside,London ACHINES
    or Grea M D feld Yorksh r. f I PURE SOLUBLE- EFRESHING.
    ARE THE VERY BEST CUTION.-f Cocoa thickens in the cup it prores the addition of tarclA.

    AUGUST 30, 1876.] FUN.

    How many strange things come to pass
    As round the wheel we go,
    Like pictures moving on the glass
    Of a gallanty show.
    Some make us laugh, some make us sad,
    Some make us bowwith shame,
    But now and then a Cameron lad
    Gives glory to our name.
    Now Parliament has shut the doors
    For six months right away,
    The M.P.'s rush off to the moors
    To have their sport and play.
    And Dizzy's called up to "the Lords,"
    The Queen to Scotland goes.
    Doctors, Lawyers, "Works," and "Boards,"
    'Mid friends forget their foes.
    Excursions to the salt seaside,
    Young girls there make a dash,
    The trains that should be far and wide
    Each other knock to smash.
    One big ship runs another down-
    It's enly meant for fun-
    Mere playful sport, so do not frown
    That such things should be done.
    We had the Balham Mystery-
    Not likely to be cleared;
    Yet in the deep dark history
    Some characters are bleared.
    The good name we all hold so dear
    For "ruin has been swopped.
    For all the blundering it is clear
    somebody should be whopped."

    Poor Jo-cularity.
    FROM the present manager of the Globe Theatre we
    have received a circular which leaves an impression
    on the reader's mind-whatever may have been the
    writer's intention-that the only true and original
    " Poor Jo of the play is the Po@r Jo who writes:
    Poor Jo Cave himself. Cavey !"

    THE individual who writes to know if soldiers sleep
    on their nap-sacks, is informed that the matter is quite
    beyond our camp-rehension.



    Old Brown has climbed over three hundred steps to get to his favourite seat.
    Horror !

    EVERYTHING out here seems to point to the probability of a deter-
    mined invasion of the British Islands by this country. Arms of every
    kind are being manufactured on all sides. Negotiations with the
    British Government have fallen through, and all possibility of an
    amicable arrangement is past. We may expect the worst.
    (Br TEBLGEAM.)
    The fleet from the South Pole is reported as having passed the
    Canaries, on its way to England. There is no doubt that the invasion
    will be formidable.
    I have visited all the seaports on the South Coast. Great alarm is
    prevalent everywhere, as the Government has, as yet, made no
    preparation whatever to meet the impending invasion.
    Mr. Soansoe asked the Secretary for War whether he had received
    information of the forthcoming invasion of the British Islands by the
    South Pole fleet.
    The Secretary for War replied that as yet he had received no
    official information on the subject, and therefore knew nothing
    about it.
    The South Polians have unfortunately taken Dover and South-
    ampton, and are advancing on the metropolis. It is unfortunate that
    the Government are taking no steps to check the invasion.
    Mr. Soansce asked the War Secretary whether he had received
    information that the army of the South Pole were advancing on the
    metropolis ?

    The War Secretary replied that he was not as yet in receipt of any
    official information on the subject, and could therefore take no steps
    in the matter.
    The South Polites have, I regret to say, taken London, and turned
    the British Museum into cavalry barracks. The position is now
    Mr. Soansoe asked the War Secretary whether he had received
    information as to the taking of London by the South Polians; of
    the turning of the British Museum into cavalry barracks; and of the
    fact that the South Polians were at that moment in the lobby of the
    House ?
    The War Secretary replied that he had up to that time received no
    official information on the subject and could therefore-.
    (The proceedings were here interrupted by the entry of the army of
    the South Pole, who arrested all the hon. members. The sittings of
    the House are understood to be adjourned sine die.

    THAT Lord Beaconsfield has declined to be present at the opening
    of a new pier, on the ground that it is too suggestive of an inquest.
    That Dr. Mundi was sent for to Princess Nathalie of Servia in a
    moment of weakness. That Mr. E. Jenkins is being recommended to
    consumptives as a Radical cure. That the latest Welsh luxury is a
    penny Icetedfod. That the new member for Bucks will be Lord
    Oottesloe's son, M.P." That Mr. Harvey, the Portsmouth coroner
    will retire after the Thunderer inquest in order to lighten his labours.
    That "the Bull by the Horns is to be seen at Kennington.

    'OL. XXrV.

    83 FU N (AUGUST 30, 1876.

    FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, August 30, 1876.
    OLD BEN. Well, Missus, I fancy I'm done with the shop,-
    I've got through a good bit of work in my time,
    But I'm hardly as strong as I was in my prime;
    And so it's far best to bring things to a stop.
    D'ye mind that it's forty or more years ago
    I swore I'd succeed ere I closed the concern P
    I've done it. And now we'll relax for a turn.
    It's jolly hard work-all who've tried at it know.
    So up with the shutters, look after the till,
    Then away to the side of the ocean.
    It'll worry our neighbour, Dis'tablishment Bill,
    'To see us depart, I've a notion.
    Mss. BEN. But still, Benny, love, won't it be very slow P
    It's all nice and bright for a time as a swell,
    But soon worries come-as I'm able to tell,
    Then you'll change your ideas of the shop being low.
    Oft I've heard of the vow that you made in times past,
    And it's better as 'tis than for you to have failed,
    But still the old shop '11 be often bewailed;
    And you'll wish yourself back where you led till the last.
    BOTH. Still, up with the shutters, our work is all done,
    No longer we care for the Rads' tone;
    Our business is over, hail pleasure and fun,-
    And a fig for our neighbour, old Gladstone!
    THE cases of-.one or two incorrigible beggars recently heard at our
    Police-courts have been strangely leavened by the conviction of a poor
    woman for illegally pawning some shirts entrusted to her care. A
    widow, working nearly body and soul out to support herself and three
    children, falls behind in hpr rent, and when nine-and-sixpence is due,
    has the brokers in at a further charge upon her poverty and distress of
    five-and-sixpence. 'The broker having promised to go out for a week
    if his costs a'e paid, the poor wretch in desperation takes the shirts,
    pawns them for six shillings, and with the extra coppers'buys bread
    for her hungry children. Mind, the woman has an excellent character,
    she is hardworking and hitherto honest, and so she sets out to obtain
    the relief which we are told is Organised specially in behalf of such
    as she. We forbear to follow her on her weary tramp from Police-
    court to Organisation Society, from Organisers" to "Relievers"-
    the detail is too degrading to our humanity, if not to our notions of
    systemisation Suffice it to say that, though persistent and persevering
    to desperation, she did not get relief beyond what she might have got
    in one hour by appealing to a disorganized public in a disorganised
    manner. But she did get locked up for illegally pledging the
    shirts, and the magistrate, grieving that he had no alternative, fined
    her one shilling and the amount of the pawning. We regret to state
    that, in the face of the Organisation which costs so much that there is
    nothing left to give away, and which had succeeded in bringing the
    woman to a sense of the swiftness of justice as compared with mercy,
    -that in the face of all this, a gentleman holding a high position in the
    Court paid the money for the pawner, and she was liberated. An act
    which cannot be too much reprobated, as tending to disorganise all the
    arrangements which prove so positively that it is necessary for the
    public good that sixpennyworth of charity should be made not only to
    cost its donors eighteenpence, but its recipients half-a-crown.
    THE recommendation of a coroner's jury that a wife should be
    censured for aggravating" her husband until he threw a knife at her
    and accidentally killed his child, has attracted perhaps more attention
    than it is worth. It only shows that the princiole of' natural selection,
    if left too much in the hands of a summoning officer, may lead to some-
    what unnatural results. A jury is supposed to be selected for the
    purpose of obtaining a verdict of the public without the trouble of a
    house-to-house canvass, and it is only fair to imagine that a dozen men
    will as a rnle represent all the feeling there is to be got out of a given
    subject. Yet it seems it is possible to get together a dozen poor
    married men, all smarting sufficiently under their wrongs to feel for
    the poor fellow who was so sadly aggravated. Should it ever be our
    lot to be married, we shall take care to set up an establishment in the
    neighbourhood of these twelve good men and true!

    A Rushin' Sound.
    PROFESSOR ILRALOUSKI, writing to the Ruiski Mir, says "Rssia
    alone is able to cut the Eastern knot by a firm and decisive word."
    We fancy a firm and decisive Russian word is more likely to crack the
    Eastern jaw. If this surmise be not consonant with truth, then the
    1 nguage has been vowelly libelled.

    BAYREUTH, Aug., 1876.
    THE Ring of the Nibbleyoungins" is a thing of the past. Git-
    terdammerungerneck" and Hooki Walkiire" have delighted the
    Emperor of Prussia and Count Andrassy to such a degree that the
    former whistles Wagner morning, noon, and night, much to Augusta's
    horror; and the latter has started a system for dividing diplomatic
    notes into sharps, flats, and naturals. I will not imitate other corre-
    spondents and describe Wagner's chimneypots and back hair, neither
    will I waste columns upon banners, lodging-houses, shop-windows,
    and the usual fallbackupon of the Special. No, sir, I will proceed at
    once to lay before your readers the plot and action of this remarkable
    drama, taken down in shorthand by a young friend of mine who
    speaks the language like a native. For your convenience I have not
    divided the various dramas into heads, but worked them up into one
    harmonious whole.
    ACT I.-Beneath the Sea.
    (The Stage represents the bottom of the oesan. As curtain rises, Van-
    HUNTA, the demon of the sea, is i, earnest conversation with FIscHIA, a
    mermaid. VADnnHNTA'S imps, TARLETONIA, LEININGENIBUS, in attendance.)
    VAXnHUNTA. Ba mine, sweet maid, be mine I pray,
    And name at once the happy day ;
    No rest will poor Vardhunta know
    Till you accept him as your beau.
    (Music suggestive of shipwreck, unrequited love, impuience, and keeping-
    FIscHIA. Sees't thou, my Vard, above the foam
    The vessels of an island home.
    If you would claim me for a bride,
    No wish of mine must be denied.
    Let my first bidding straight be done:
    Bring me those vessels one by one,
    And when the last beside me lies,
    My hand and heart shall be the prize.
    Take her offer, noble master,
    We will help you all we know;
    Every kind of sea-disaster
    Soon shall send the lot below.
    (VARDRUNTA accepts FISCHIA'S offer, ani rises with his imps to the
    surface. Music suggestive of rams, fogs, champagne, funnels, explosions,
    and the bump of destruction.)
    ACT II.- hitechappellen by Moonlight.
    (Grand scenic effect. Shops illuminated with gas, stalls with naphtha,
    candles in first-floor fronts. Meeting of gods outside the great gates of
    LONDONPAVILLIONEN. Music uggestive of fried fish and pickled Q. A
    god strikes magic wood, which gives fo th flame, and applies it to magic
    machine in his mouth. He instantly ejects large volumes of smoke.
    N.B. One of the finest effects in the drama-brought down the house.)
    FIaST GOD. How fine the retribution in that final scene
    Where Lighthausfield requests the haughty Queen
    To hold her hand, nor hide his splendid name
    Beneath a title all unknown to fame.
    SECOND GOD. I marked it well, and when with scornful face
    She bade his mind some three month' steps retrace
    To when he thrust a bauble on her head,
    Whose sickly ray her own bright gem o'erspread.
    THIRD Gon. He did but act, he wants the title well.
    He hath a love beneath the ocean' swell,
    Half fish, half nymph, who lives in coral caves,
    For her it is so strangely he behaves.
    The man I wed must be an Earl," she told him.
    He took the hint-an Earl you now behold him.
    (Music suggestive of a very good man gone wrong, marrying for position,
    and Early to-rise.)
    ACT III.-Cellars of Wrathschilds, in the Kingdom of Gold.
    (SouTHCOATrE and WHATHSCHILDA are seated on heaps of bar silver,
    diamonds and emeralds gleam upon the walls. The glitter of millions of
    sovereigns dazzles the spectator. N.B. Sir, I think this was the finest
    scene in the Tryonogy; I wanted to get on the stage.)
    WRATHSCHILDA. Then you really mean to wed this mermaiden ?
    SOUTHCOATBE. I will die in her fine. But, alas! she imposes one
    condition. She has set her heart upon having the Suez Canal,, and
    she will not be mine till I 'get it.
    SWRATHSCHILDA. It'll cost'S lot o' money, won't it ?
    SOUTHCOATES. Oh, ge-enerous friend! Lend me the wherewithal,



    and I will pay thee. a good commission. My Fischia will reward
    thee with a smile.
    WlAAeHoirHLDA. I'll do without the smile, and let yo-a have the
    coin at five per cent.
    SOUTHCOATER. My per-server! (Tfleysembrace.)
    (Musie expressive of payingfor your whistled a mermaid's charms, and the
    Khedive i Queer-street.. WEAT.B.hands the i,,oney to SOUTH.)
    SOUTHCOATEE. It's fourpenre- short,, but-no matter! I will buy
    the Canal, and away witkit to my.fair,.Fisohia's cave.
    ACr IVs-Beneath ths.Sea again.
    (FisoCn seated in a cora caveas. Enter- VARDHUNTA bearing a fleet,
    LIGHTHArSFrELD. with. a', coronet, and, SbUTEHOAT EB with the Sues
    Canal in his pocket. They. start, on. beholding, eaok, other. Mutual
    Chorus.-VARDHUNTA, LiGTHA'USPIrLD, and S6u m sawE
    You very wicked hussy .you have shamefully illusied u4p,
    You've hurt our tender feelings and our little self-esteem,;.
    In: our conscientious scruples you have terribly contusied us;-
    Have you really promised all of us, or is it butaadieam.?
    LiGIHTNHsFpizE. For thee, fair nymph, I saeriitfed my nama
    To herd with. dotards, deaf and blindiitmelfamV
    SoUTHOOATRE. For theeal'bought the Isthtmasaraway
    For which so heavily Phad to payy,
    VA.RDHUNTA. FoR theei fake, maid, I'vet coltri h ~iil.et
    Is this the way your.own.dear Vi~d yostt.ea&?V
    Fiscm&. Go to, false eartsf I did but phlyyou tticika4,
    Begone at once poorninnies-cut your. stiekae.
    LTGHT. Oh, if I'd known, tbisyj 'd.inever have been aEa (l. (1Miessa;:
    YVnD. Oh, if I'd known this, I'dnever have ruinedithe'Nxary. (4gi&,
    SOUTH. Oh,if I'd knownthis,rId neverhavebougtthJbalmaL.(p (sppimn)
    (Noise heard sn distance. Threes monsters appmjesi, H~rsam.aos
    swallows up LGTHAuesAratEn. P-ir Lc IansaeisiW ditvygVAaf4 -
    HUNTA, and SOUTHCOATEM chainsed to HAuseoops.uemi aianh whmsshas8
    to lead till it turns upon hnimandL'rushes hir --aMh6iss~ildsgos))
    P.S. Dear Sir,-This is- only half' the drantw.,bkWttNgBettatftW-,
    that it typifies, in the person of the:three memasndthsemy s,ppfl
    being mixed up with Fischia fairs:' I don't qaitaeseeit doy.ou l'

    A GEThMEKAX. writes to thtleading daily tou shmthtkt t*comng
    a.ship with a sheet of camviatt becomes-waeeisuA*laa" i*, bell
    from which air pumps' wea4 easily exppli these water" Hk also,
    proceeds to relate some exppoimentse,whichb.semn.teXcoei Oott cove'iisg
    up small ships with sheetslst canenas ai"si-asiiiggtbnti toobbi sabec.
    quently resurrected. Hisasgarment.is. divotedd ttothabb)nBfitotfthl:
    Vanguard. Unfortunately,,foritbiaMBWuld-betbbna~itsttofiourI Nw'y,,
    among other small mattemsneglected by AMamiaiVhl4tlirt6wams thb
    enshrouding of the ship in-a complete suit oflcatCabbhb~.teinkiegilit,
    To this want of ordinary foresight, in admiraiiasaswetaatimorditaaryy
    mortals, is due the fact that the bed of the, oceands..et:ppseat strewn
    with innumerable wrecks which might othb&3~Biieohawe bbanu easily,
    lifted. Tnis must be seen to in future.

    Bidding Him A-jew.
    A PORK-BUTCHER of Maidstone, proud of the fact that Mr. Disraeli
    first sat in Parliament for that borough, proposes that a Conservative
    banquet, shall be held in honour of the Premier's elevation to the
    peerage. Remembering all things, we should think, if this Con-
    servative banquet does take place, it ought to be Conservative enough
    to exclude gentlemen of the porkbutcbering "persuasion," as well
    as the handiwork of which they are so proud. The proposition is a
    porcine of the eternal fitness of things," as arranged at Maidstone.

    Attorney Gave; Them.
    SOME of our contemporaries are bullying the Attorney-General for
    re-opening the Bravo case. 'I he real sting of the whole thing is that
    he allowed it-to be closed while there was a special verbatim" to be
    got out of it. To kick the rind of a sucked orange on to the dustheap
    seems the proper thing to do now.

    A Joint Note.
    AccoDINOa to report, the great Powers are preparing a joint note,
    which they will present to Turkey, complaining ot her barbarous con-
    duct of the present struggle. Preparina- a joint note, are they P
    Well, it's time someone sent in the butcher's bill.

    THE Duke of Wellington is at Margate. It is his Waterlieu.

    AUGuRr 30, 1876.]

    GOOD-BaE to the town. I'll escape from its yoke,
    And rush from the turmoil, the slums, and the smoke,
    That cause me to swear, though I'm meek.
    I'll flee for a while from all trouble and care-
    Away to the coast I'll skedaddle, and there,
    Endeavour to swallow a little fresh air.
    I'm going away for a week!
    Good bye to my inkstand--adieu to my pen-
    Farewell to the office-(I'd call it the den,
    Did I my true sentiment speak.)
    I'll revel at-hlamsgate-I'll. btth., and I'll yacht-
    Or lounge on the shore, at that holiday spot,.
    And.labour atd ledgers shall trouble me not.
    I'm going away for a .week !
    The pebble-strewn beach I'll intensely explore,
    III gather the seaweed that lies on tee shore;
    And often at noonday i'll seek
    Retirement, and doze o'er a book in the shade;
    Ive thought, too, of buying a bucket and spade,,,
    And dig, like the children; but then, I'm afraid
    .L can't do it all in a weeklg
    Good gracious, the thought:otdt'ig'omething sublime!
    SJust iancy a .week!-an incrediblestime I
    No wonder I joyfullyvshieble
    In fact; I camoearcely believe thtS it's true.,
    Imagine amyjoiningateeeholiday3erew!
    I'll go, and I'llippocriupia garment or two,
    And toddiliaway--jur a,.wtk !

    W~iunderstand that.immediately.aft tithe reassembling of Parlis-
    ment:the fel.iwing gentlemen,will besaemoved to the lHouse of Louds:
    Mr. Wexar1Huat, as Earl oft Uovauggden and. Baron Ramram of
    Sinkshki)* lirdintafford Northeote, pa&dord Penniypn of Incomtaxem-
    Thbtsladmkhip of the H1use"will t ns devolve, upon Mr. Butt or
    |Miej*tOXejAeoipsome otherppominuentisupporter.of the Government
    adierthwi recent session. W -' have retrained from meumiuning
    a menie bofi.-Governmenx s lad4iaobitlarhouse, as it is understood
    feetlsBaezasoMonder on thi ppt i.A word might lead to blows.

    S'lfLandlo' Burns.
    '"SCOTcit TH I STi'sendaa'4pieous appeal to the Times anent The
    Bauxg Gas BiJl,'`,cople8oovAiwhiccanuL.. bu obtained because the
    queenia-printer hktat- isifaMiliytoiMargate, or for some equally
    sensible reason. Hetrlye.ss-.-'llt~Igas,and other refuse is emptied into
    our, nobles streams- aemdt bhianasi' Ic must. be queer gas which ia
    empited into nobl'stteasaamandmublrni Perhaps it requires a very
    wetimete .r

    A Galioner.
    THE .Daily Telegraph' recommends as. a drink this hot weather "a
    gallon of boiling water poured upon= four ribston pippins, and then
    allowed to cool slowly." The publicans in kleet-street are so struck
    with the idea that they have stuck up notices in their windows to this
    effect:-" A Gallon of Boiling and four Ribstons, One Shilling.
    N.B.-Customers requiring this beverage will please give eight hours'
    notice, and wait outside till it's ready."

    Writ "Iron "-ical.
    A NEWSPAPER that ought to know better refers to the Manning of
    the Mercantile Navy as a "cardinal question." And et the rest or
    the article goes to prove that, in the mind of the writer, the sut.joct
    is, indeed, no joke.

    Old Bucks and New Ones.
    A CONSERVATIVE candidate in the room of ihe Premier in the
    Buckinghamshire field has turned up in the shape of the Hon. T. F.
    Fremantle. Let him take up the Fremantle of the late Mr. Disraeli
    if he can.
    Conscience Money.
    WHY should we feel surprise at persons sending what th'y call
    "conscience money" to the Chancellor: of the Excbequer? It is
    quite logical for them to fling their coin away, for they evidently
    possess. untoli'd wealth.

    WHEN is a constable like a dog F-When be's K 9.


    [AoGVST 30, 1876.

    DISPUT threatens
    to last the whole of
    the dead season as to
    Mr. Disraeli's pro-
    bable successor in
    the Lower House.
    What a pity the
    practical business of
    the nation can't be
    settled like that
    which is merely pro-
    fitable, by right of
    birth. = Gentleman
    bets and then wants
    his money back.
    Having lost, he dis-
    covers betting to be
    a very wicked prac-
    tice. This is the true
    secret of turf mora-
    lity. = Doctor in the
    North writes to pa-
    pers to suggest a
    cure for mild cholera.
    It is, wrap yourself
    in blankets, and sit
    as close as possible
    to a roasting fire so
    as to breathe the hot
    air. To us the mild
    cholera seems much
    preferable to the
    medical treatment.
    = Field Marshal
    Von Wrangel has
    just celebrated
    eighty years' of ser-
    vice in the Prussian
    army. There's a
    good chance open
    for him. At his age
    he is just eligible
    for service among
    our own seniors who
    don't happen to be
    of the serene or the
    still more august
    "fountain." =
    Prince of Wales pro-
    mises to visit Glas-
    gow in time to lay
    the foundation-stone
    of the new Post-
    office. Captain Tyler
    has arranged to walk
    in front of the royal
    train the whole of
    the way, and thus
    prevent accidents.=
    Cardinal Antonelli
    said to be too ill to
    recognize the Pope.
    Illness acts on his
    Eminence like well-
    ness has acted on
    other dignitaries
    with regard to poor
    old Pio Nono. =


    . ...... ....... . I

    much a day, even though they do intimately represent the countries
    QUESTION! that are at war ? And, what is more to the point, whether the worst
    AN indignant person writes to a contemporary, complaining in the of them, mercenary or not, doesn't understand a good deal more of
    most bitter terms, that offers are being made from all parts of Europe what he is about than do any of the offensive scribblers who are
    to serve in Prince Milan's army. The writer is very angry that there allowed to flounder in the columns of a paper when news is scarce,
    should be found people ready and willing to kill and be killed at a and add to the idiotcy of a period whose idiotcy has already passed
    price, even though they may have no quarrel with their antagonists, into a proverb?
    and he uses the word mercenaries in a way intended to be dread-
    fully offensive. As the indignant persons who rush into print on the Hardingened.
    smallest possible provocation are nothing if not logical, we should like Sm HAnDINGE GIFFARD, the Solicitor-General, is still:without a seat.
    to ask how much of a quarrel between nations is as a rule shared or Under the circumstances, his title is a mockery. It :should be Her
    understood by the soldiers who go out to shoot and get shot, at so Majesty's Solinonciter.


    Awful joke made on
    the Moors. Bea-
    consfield not a bad
    choice for a title ?"
    "No, when I first
    heard of it, I said if
    it wasn't true it was
    Ben trovato ==
    Among many other
    drinks recommended
    for the hot weather
    is cold beef tea. Un-
    fortunately those
    who recommend it
    don't say if it is
    taken with milk and
    sugar or d la Busse.
    = An American pa-
    per boasts that in
    Michigan there is a
    baby which, though
    two weeks old,
    weighs only a pound
    and a half. The
    weight is by no
    means the most ex-
    traordinary point, or
    shouldn't be. Three
    years ago this same
    baby was then only
    two weeks old-and
    has never aged since.
    = Emperor of
    Austria saves aboy's
    life at some small
    risk. Much ink spilt
    on subject. (We
    don't mean on the
    boy.) Why should
    everyone be aston-
    ished to find an
    Emperor possessed
    of bravery and hu-
    manity ? = Bar-
    barous beast pulls
    off seven inches of a
    horse's tongue. In-
    dignant magistrates
    sentence him to six
    months' imprison-
    ment. He might
    have got that with
    half the trouble. =
    American discovers
    a way of walking on
    the water. He
    thinks of taking a
    pedestrian tour to
    Great Britain soon.
    Judged by some
    recent visits from
    t'other side, we
    should think that if
    he comes here and
    says he's done it,
    plenty of good cre-
    dulous souls will be-
    lieve him. And he'll
    get paragraphs-in
    the silly season.

    F UN.-AUGUST 30, 1876.


    AwGUsT 30, 187d.)

    HE said, We may be happy yet!"
    He said these words, -and smiled.
    That smile I never can forget,
    I felt repaid full many a debt
    Incurred through ardour wild.
    "We'll.fly, my love, to where the wave
    Laps lovingly the strand,
    Where-mariners have found a grave,
    'Or shown themselves the bravest brave-
    We'll fly there hand-in hand.
    "(Dome, tread with me the quarter- deck,
    'And view the, scene around-
    Of carnage once, as well as wreck,
    Of pirates'hung up by the neck,-
    'Tis.history's hallowed ground.
    0'-"Yon tower see, -with rampart grey
    And mossgrown, ruined, sere- "
    Just then, tricked out in war's array,
    Came ships upon our joyous way.
    Next William cried, We're here!"
    "We're here! repeated he with joy.
    Come! what's expense to me r
    North Woolwich stands without alloy,
    For here we can our time employ
    On Holland's Shilling Tea!"

    His Sultanship.
    IT is stated on good authority that sympathy with
    the Servians is at fever heat in St. Petersburg, and
    that hatred for Turkey and all connected with her is
    openly expressed. This must be very disagreeable for
    the Duchess of Edinburgh, whose husband is always
    about with the Sultan. Bat then he's a bit of a Turk

    The Parsons Again.
    MR. CHARLES PARSONS, butcher, has been found guilty
    of cutting off a cat's'tail and flinging it out of window.
    For this he received one month's imprisonment. Having
    cut the catwho had but one tail, whata.pitythe magistrate
    didn't let the one with nine tails cut him! The sentence
    would have-been caudally received'by~the;public.

    ITis a-mistake'to' sppesetthat ifveandi four can:be made-ten by'the
    exercise of exceptional hill -in. arithmetic. 'Your :family -solicitor,
    however, might'contrive' to make', three andfour-six:a4d-eight, though
    of course only to oblige you as a client.
    It is unreasonable to argue that a promising young actor at an
    amateur representation is any better worth seeing by reason of his
    promises. An actor should be not merely capable of promising. He
    ought to be able to perform.
    It is idle to imagine that a model trades-unionist can behave with
    generous forbearance towards a "knobstick," except in romantic
    domestic drama as lately tried at the Olympic. In real life the -model
    creature would be far more likely to remove him from his-er path-er
    as a knobstickle to his cherished schemes for raising the rate of wages.
    How he would proceed to do this must depend on circumstances; but
    if you, carefully divide the word knobstick into two syllables you
    may. get a hint of one way at least.
    It is foolish to assume that a cabman who indignantly ejaculates
    "Hulloa! and desires his fare-to tell him What's this here?" is.
    in any ieal uncertainty as to the nature or value of the circular object
    which he is at the same time exhibiting on his extended palm. In
    nine cases out often he is perfectly well aware that it is a coin of the
    realm, lawfully.current in England, and -representing something well
    over his legal fare.
    It is childish to lend.faith to the assertion that visitors to Sheerness
    are limited in theimatter of food 'to Sheer-nessessaries! The notion
    originated, we believe, with little Gadsby, the comic vocalist, --who,
    being a punster byrprofession, cannot'be '-relied on. 'The fact is that
    during that entertaining fellow's brief engagementat the Sheerness
    Symposium his breakfast-table-(ungrateful wretch!)-groaned under
    the weight of the indigenous shrimp; nor did-the winkle-so familiar
    to sojourners in that delightfully dirty watering-place- often fail to
    shed its exhilarating influences.
    It betrays ignorance of the world to fancy that a gentleman (say in


    Smith :-" WHY, BRowN, OLD BOY, WHAT THE DIKENS--- !"

    chambers in the Temple) who requests you ever so politely to cal
    again to morrow" for a little account is. certain -to be there all the
    next day waiting for you with his cheque-book before him. Indeed,
    frequent instances have happened of gentlemen under such eiremn-
    stances being compelled to sport their oak indefinitely, or, in otlmr
    words, to go out of town that evening on urgent business,

    I'LL freely admit I've a loathing-
    A loathing I fail to repress-
    For modern arrangements of clothing'-
    For all the vagaries of dress.
    Alas, I'm too often a prey to
    The swallow-tail coat, and cravat.
    But one thing I'll never give way to,
    And that is the chimney-pot hat ?
    Though Fashion a changeable lass is,
    She thinks to be blindly obeyed;
    Butit who's to wear "-hats when the glao fis'
    At.ninety degrees in the shade ?
    Yet, day-after day, am I greeted
    -By'some fashion-following flat,
    Who says oneesrattire's not completed,
    'When minus a chimney-pot" hat!
    .owever,1-m not to be caught so-
    I flatter myself that I'm sane!
    By Jove here's the missus "-I thought so-
    She'll open the subject again:
    And say "that Society figured
    In- similar head-gear to that."
    Let Society go and be jiggered!-
    I won't wear a chimney-pot" hat .

    9 FUN. [AUGUST 30, 1878.


    X!7- '

    The Gentleman whose "time is money," and who "summonses the
    Company when the train is two minutes late.

    The Gentleman who never can find room in the class (3rd) for which
    he holds a ticket.

    The Gentlemen who must have something to do when they travel.


    "Directors, sir! Directors have no consideration for anybody
    but themselves I"

    I' 0,

    W ,wyy-The (ti\ /he ) who a' make room for \\\a lad
    The (ahemI) who can't male room for a lady.

    AUGUST 30, 1876.] FUN.

    THE Holiday Season having set in severely, Mr. Fun gave permis-
    sion to two youthful and energetic members of his staff to travel and
    record their adventures. It will be seen that, starting in a very
    original manner, they soon came upon a very original adventure.
    Salt will be supplied at the office for those who require it; and as it
    cannot very well be expected that these two gentlemen will under
    present circumstances care to continue contributing, tenders for their
    vacated situations will be received, if properly marked and post-paid.

    CONSIDERING all things,
    we have not done so
    much amiss, Mr. Editor,
    since you gave us per-
    mission to become your
    travelling correspond-
    /S ents. We were not over-
    burdened with money it
    is true; but thenwe had
    the inestimable advan-
    tage of being allowed to
    go as we liked, to choose
    our own towns, as well
    as our own travelling
    companions. Liberty is
    always sweet, and on
    this occasion it made up
    to us for the insufficiency
    of our sugar, "which
    amounted in the, main
    to ninee A and .:eleven -
    ,pence halfpenny, ,all
    S' ...told. .Not %much, you
    mayvkaye-with which,:to
    -start ,upon .a :holiday
    trip; but'then, e-had light hearts, clear consciencesandian allowance
    from you, sir, of.apennya mile per day. '"We eanpreaent that toybu
    for yourself now. ,
    It wasn't half' a bad:notion.'6f Smith's:.habrwesahoirladgo"disgised
    as buskers "-that is;, as nigger-muintrels,' and format 4eaet- soith
    before the day of starting we not only rehearsed at home, but set out
    serenading the people in public-houses at night. And so we were
    pretty well prepared to work our way. q he chief difficulty was with
    the grease and lampblack, but we soon got over that by arranging
    when it was once on to keep it there. This also did away with what
    is to all tourists a very expensive item-that of washing; and the deep
    tone left by it on the skin will always pass very well for sunburns.
    We didn't make much progress at first, as we wanted to try the
    effect of our business" on the wayside before opening on the sands,
    and so we stopped very often, I am sorry to say without much success.
    At our first few pitches we struck up the new melody-
    "Oh, Mlilly was a maiden fair,
    And laughing was her eye;
    She wore her bonnet on her hair,
    And didn't look a guy "-
    which we had expected to stamp us at once and for ever as onlys
    and originals wherever blackfaced minstrelsy was known. But
    evidently our audiences had not been cultivated to the true point, and
    we were ordered off in a way which didn't augur- well for our-hopes.
    Soon, however, we were more fortunate. We stopped, opposite a
    private house in the outskirts of Woolwich, and though I was rather
    despondent, and wished to try a melody which was not devoted to
    minstrel pathos, Smith was inexorable, and again we started with
    Milly," he leading and playing banjo, and I chiming in with seconds
    and the tambourine. The result was indeed surprising.
    Just as we had got into the second verse, and were singing-
    Oh, Milly had a magic way
    Of laughing when she spoke,
    I've watched her as she made the hay
    Or counted up the coke "-
    the door of the house opened, and I should have stopped playing and
    made tracks had it not been that Smith kept on in the most unper-
    turbed and professional manner. And when I saw the man who
    opened the door held in his hand a foaming pot of porter, and that on
    a tray were two chunks of bread and cheese, I also played up and
    sang with double voice, as I felt that there is after all in this world
    muchreward for realworth if man will only bide his time. So away
    we rattled&with the third stanza, which begins-
    "Yes, Milly's heart was all her own,
    Her fancy yet was free,
    For the' her infancy was flown
    She'd never yet seen me!"-

    when the man with the pot of porter became violently agitated, and
    at once commenced to shed tears. Fearful lest anything should happen 1
    to the provender, I walked up the steps and took it from him, andas
    I did so he said in faltering accents-
    "Missus says you're to eat and drink as much as yer can, and then
    she'll see yer. She's havingg a fit now, but she'll be quite ready by the
    time you are."
    We sat down, and with appetites sharpened by our long wal from
    London.and our previous failures, made a hearty meal; and let me tell
    you, sir, that much as you may, lounging in the lap of luxury, object
    to the "lap" of coalheavers, there are worse things in this worlithaa
    porter when nothing else is to be got. By the time we had done, and
    were wondering whether there were any coppers to follow,: the man
    reappeared,,and.saidin sepulchral tones, heightened by the act that
    he had evidently been weeping bitterly-
    'Ave yer 'ad enough P If so, follow me. Be silentand arespctfal,
    but fear not."
    I felt that I was turning pale beneath my lampblaek, anf@tremblimg
    inside my striped red costume. Scarcely darigite lookiat'nithjwiho
    I could see was-in even aworse condition, I followed the summoner,
    and when the door clanged behind us,-and we:leard the-sond e0
    weeping and wailing at the end of the passage,-we were both,.asewe
    afterwards discovered on comparing notes, inclined to run,'away.
    But we need not have been in any way afraid, as the sequel willavhw.
    The man who was showing us in stopped at-ihe doorof .the'"oom
    from which the sounds proceeded, and throwing it open wide,
    motioned us to pass in; then closed it behindnus. And thisiiswhatwe
    saw. An elderly lady, with the -whitest hair possible, dreseed'.i'a
    riding habit and a tall hat. An elderly- gentleman, also, withbhite
    hair,.and with a very white beard. -He',was clad in a field-mnarshals
    uniform,' with cocked-.hat and feathers;,and wielded a drawmneward
    ,withgreatedexterity. '"The lady,' who wasweeping bitterly,c arie& a
    -heavy'hunting-crpp,andwas fencing vigorously with the old.-getle-
    -man;- who,-was alsomcrying, his hardest. 'BEdth were on horseback, and
    .theafiery.animals in their curvettings 'nearlyielkdflthe .edge of the
    :.dining-table, theVplateau of -which formed thefdlld,6fuibattle. Under-
    .neath'waa litter for theuhorses, as well-as plumneakej and-many other
    minonmatters. .'As'we entered they desisted,.adeith great courtesy
    tawkedr.u wobe'seated.
    .*"tAndaeoanussrettheagen nemenzhotssaghesgaongeaboee'mfily.
    'Sing itagami."
    We started off, afraid to even hesitate, and when we came tr the
    verse which runs-
    "Then Milly gave a sudden shriek,
    And said Oh tell me why
    You beat all other men for cheek ? "
    Then sat her down to cry"-
    the tears ran rapidly down the faces of the old lady and? gentleman-
    When we had done, theyiwiped their eyes, and the lady with great
    dignity said-
    "I daresay you wonder what all this means. I will tell yon. Fifty
    years ago I was married to that gentleman, and in due course we head
    a daughter who was all your song describes for wit and beauty. One
    day she died, and we swore that until we were satisfied that her
    memory had been done justice to we would never leave this house.
    Since then, for more than thirty years we have remained indoors,
    mourning and amusing ourselves as you have seen us. But your grand
    and pathetic song ot to-day releases us from our vow, and now we
    shall go out again into the world and be of it once more. Receive,
    then, the reward of merit,.and remember that while we live there is
    always more to be had for the asking."
    With that she produced a bushel-basket full. of thousandpo nd
    notes done up in bundles of a thousand each, and gave me not only a
    bundle, but a few extra notes to make sure; then served Smith the
    same. The old gentleman got off his horse, and presenting each of us
    with a magnificent diamond ring and a cocked hat, a collection of
    which, he also kept in a bushel-basket, bade us an affectionate farewell.
    And 'finding there was nothing else forthcoming, we took our

    Paper Choler.
    SoME letters in the Times cast considerable doubt on the statement
    of a clerical gentleman, that, among other tourist triumphs, he and
    twoncompanions succeeded in getting theirewashing done at about one-
    and-ninepence a head each. Many suggestions are 'made as to-- how
    the usual exorbitant hotelocharges for therwashing of shirts andsocbs
    were avoided. And some-writers seem even angry. eWhile smensac-
    ceed in seeing that, to people who travel Von the very cheap trip, tbe
    articles anxious and indignant writers lay most stress on are quite. i-
    known. If they doubt our .veracity, let them turn their attention
    from thaeTimes,.and inquire of that much more gentlemanly.autherity,
    the .original ozgan of the:Amateur Casual.


    [AUGUsT 30, 18&76.


    THE din of war was hushed a while, the smoke had rolled away,
    And stretched beneath a starry sky, a sleeping army lay.
    It was but for a breathing space-a paltry skirmish won-
    The warning note would sound To Arms !" ere rose the morrow's sun.
    Apart from all the chieftain stood, his head upon his breast,
    And strangely to his trembling lips his trusty blade was prest;
    In many a hundred bloody fights his saviour it had been,
    And on it's gleaming sides the dent of fearful blows was seen.
    With tear-dimmed eyes he kissed it thrice, then flung it swiftly down,
    And strode to where his monarch held aloft a golden crown;
    There hurriedly he loosed the clasps that his worn armour bound,
    Yet winced at every clank it made in falling to the ground.
    "And so you choose," the monarch said, "to end your days in peace,
    And with to-night your doughty deeds of active warfare cease.
    Then place upon thy brow, I pray, the noble's crown of gold,
    And let these robes of costly stuff thy well-scarred limbs enfold."
    C C a
    The morrow's sun had come at last, the roar of battle rose,
    With flashing swords a gallant band rode fiercely at their foes,
    But he, their leader yesterday, stood silent and apart,
    A heavy weight upon his brow, a heavier on his heart.

    With eager eyes he watched the fight, his fingers clutched the air,
    While at his side he sought in vain the sword no longer there.
    " Oh, give me back my blade !" he cried; and take your tinsel toy-
    For helmet and cuirass again I'd give these robes with joy."
    Too late too late! with limping gait, his feeble compeers came,
    And cackled to the new-made lord about his ancient fame;
    Then told him straight, with jeering look and many a mocking bow,-
    "You were a hero yesterday;-you're but an upstart now I"

    Very Irish I
    A GOOD specimen of the way in which Ireland would be ruled if left
    to the Irish, was given in Dublin this week. A public meeting, at
    which sticks and stones were freely used, although the disputants were
    " all on one side against the horrid Saxon," was followed by a banquet,
    where glasses were thrown about with such good aim that the wrong
    people were hit, and where seditious songs were sung by those who
    would be all for Ireland were they not in the first place all for them-
    selves. One of these days we shall have to take these Irish at their
    word, and, having left them to the other Irish and mutual extermina-
    tion, proceed subsequently to stock the place with Scotchmen, who
    care not the least in the world for Home Rule while they can do so
    much better elsewhere.
    CHANSON D'AMovR FOR A CAir.-" If heifer I cease to love!"

    ," W can bear personal testimony to Its value as a tonio."-Standard.
    g ^"I And it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. HausaU, M.D.
    Printed by FUDD & CO., Phane 'Worka, St. Andrews Hll, Doctors Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, FMeet Street, Z.C.-Londio, August 30. 1876

    SP T,. 6, 1876.] F U N 97

    THBRE is no truth
    in the rumour that
    the Charity Organi-
    sation Society is
    going to have a
    grand Organised
    ste in aid of its
    funds at the Alex-
    andra Palace, with
    special performance
    on the self-sustain-
    ing Organ. Nor is
    it true that portrait
    models of all who,
    not being officials,
    have benefited by
    Organisation are to
    be added by the
    Messieurs Tussaud
    to the Room of
    Horrors.-It is said
    that the British
    juryman who wrote
    the other day to
    the Daily TelgrapA
    stating that "the
    British juryman is,
    asa rule, very pachy-
    dermatous," has all
    his pachydermity in
    one place, or he
    would have dis-
    covered that before.
    -The report in a
    daily paper that
    Eblethrift, the mur-
    derer, said, two
    minutes before his
    execution, in answer
    to an cffer of brandy,
    that "he had re-
    solved never to take
    another glass of
    spirits so long as he
    lived," is a ghastly
    pleasantry which,
    as originally written,
    was intended to lead
    up to the long drop
    as compared with
    the drop of short.
    Strange sub-editing,
    this!-No depend-
    ence should be
    placed on the rumour
    that the insurance
    offices decline to
    pay over the late fire
    in Turnmill-street
    because Messrs.
    Grant and Co. kept
    a full-sized gentle-
    man's magazine on
    the premises without
    reckoning the extra
    risk.-It is stated
    openly in White-
    chapel, and we see

    (Whtoh wilo..l fully appreciated by those who ride much in Metropolitan Tram-cars.)
    Stout Lady :-" RooM INxSID FOR ONE ? "
    Passenger (from interior, pathetioally):-" No, MA'AM, THEME'S NOT ROOM-BUT there's
    a place "

    no reason to contra-
    dict it, that Mr.
    Disraeli's earldom is
    only his first step in
    the peerage direc-
    tion his first
    Beacon in that field.
    His ambition will
    never be satisfied
    with anything less
    than the title of
    Jewk.-The report
    in a contemporary
    that a local magnate
    of Sheerness has
    "put up a neat
    drinking fountain in
    the High street"
    is nearer the truth
    than was intended.
    It is arranged that
    all water drunk
    there shall be
    "neat" and perfectly
    amount of imitative
    faculty about just
    now is proved by
    the Sact that people
    go about poisoning
    themselves with
    cyanide of potassium
    just to show that
    deadly drugs are to
    be obtained in con-
    i travention of the
    Act. Well, it very
    likely pleases them,
    I and it doesn't hurt
    us. Still, it would
    be as well to give
    public warning that
    the first one who
    fails in his attempt
    is to be prosecuted
    for plagiarism.
    Which, as everyone
    knows, is a most
    punishable offence
    in the eye of the
    English law. A
    prize of fourpence
    halfpenny and a
    pound of yellow
    soap is to be given
    to any one who can
    explain why it is
    that all poor
    wretches who apply
    for relief from the
    advertisingly charit-
    able may be more
    than usually "sure
    their sin will find
    them out." Appli-
    cations for the prize
    to be sent in to
    the Old Soldiers'
    Town Hall,

    Ay, how d'ye do, September? Come in and take a chair,
    For Time, the old oppressor, has sacked your predecessor
    (And August, you'll remember, we all considered fair);
    S come inside, September, and kindly take a chair! I
    Advice I'd fain be giving, ere you your work commence;
    Don't think me interfering,-don't fancy that I'm jeering,-
    I wouldn't spoil your "living," nor give the least offence,
    But counsel I'd be giving ere business you commence.
    Pray drop that nasty habit of stripping off the leaves ;
    You scatter them in showers,-and worse, you steal the flowers.

    You see a rose-you grab it, and break the spell it weaves:
    Yes, that's a nasty habit-your scattering the leaves.
    Your ways are apt to "nettle," though doubtless kindly meant;
    You always, ere you leave us, bring Miehaelmas to grieve us,-
    We're then supposed to settle another quarter's rent!
    Such ways are bound to "nettle," however kindly meant.

    A Choice of Titles.
    A DAILY paper gives an account of the marriage of the "wife of
    W. Morgan, E-q, to Jane, daughter of H. Stamp, Esq." Someone
    sends to know if this can be considered a morganatic marriage. To
    our thinking it is more like an agreement under the Stamp Act.

    'OL. XXIV.


    FJUY OFFICE, Wednesday, Sept. 6, 1876.
    BEHOLD the greatest Powers
    Assembled in the East.
    With nosegays all of flowers,
    Behold the greatest Powers
    (As if from fairy bowers)
    While gore around them showers;-
    The founders of the feast.

    "This might have been prevented,"
    Sav s Russia, with a grin.
    "If Turkey had repented
    All might have been prevented.
    I'm not a bit demented:
    As I the game first scented,
    To stop it is a sin! "
    If I had only known it,"
    Says Bull, as it's been don--
    If they had only shown it
    In truth, I must have known it.
    Such work I cannot own it.
    I say, with guilty groan, it
    Should never have begun!"

    INDEPENDNTrLY of its other claims on public reprobation, it seems a
    more than usually foul shame that such an outrage as the one perpe-
    trated recently on unoffendingcostermongers and other itinerantvendors
    in Leather-lane should have its origin in the name of religion. The
    only crime of which these wantons have been found guilty is their
    poverty, and though we are prepared to admit that this is a gross and
    unpardonable offence, it generally carries with it enough punishment
    of its own to render its possessors free from too much intolerant inter.
    ference. But the Holborn District Board of Works thinks that all
    people should be good and happy on Sunday whether they can afford
    it or not, and therefore proceeds to make them good and happy in its
    own way and according to its own notions of goodness and happiness.
    About Clerkenwell and St. Andrews, Holborn, there are large colonies
    of poor wretches who, even if they had the money with which to buy
    food for the coming day, would have no place in which to keep such
    perishable articles as fall to their lot. There are also others to whom
    one day's rest from the labour of selling means one day's starvation.
    And so, in course of time, Leather-lane has come to be the common
    meeting ground of buyers and sellers on Sunday as well as on other
    days. But the Holborn District Board insists that these people shall
    be practical in their piety, and that, no matter who suffers, the Lord's
    Day shall be observed in Leather-lane. One of their acts is worthy
    of attention from us and from all who care to remember in whose
    gentle and tender name it is done. A water-cart, charged with a.
    strong solution of carbolic acid, was driven along the crowded,
    thoroughfare, and the Christian mixture squ rted impartially over
    every thine and everybody. It is to be presumed, of course, that the
    members of the Board went to church after this, where they prayed
    fervently and with pious feeling. But they were singularly lax in
    their duty after all if they didn't take that water-cart with them, there
    to remain as a something too-pure and too holy to be ever afterwards
    submitted to public profanation.

    .dpropos of the Radstock inquiry, it stated that a Tyler was sent
    down because the officials required slating. When the captain com-
    municated the facts to the Board of Trade they told him to go to Bath,
    and he went.
    Apropos of Mr. Butt's discovery of a detective at the Home Rule
    Free and Easy, it has been stated the melodious Q C. gave notice of,
    appeal to the Castle. He did more. He gave notice of a peeler.
    Apropos of the Thundreer inquest, we understand the details are
    sickley because they were got at in Harvey's time.
    .Apropos of the rEnewed discussion of the finding of the Balham jury
    in the daily papers, it is stated that if notinjury'us tothe money article,
    an anti-money article will be started in all of them.
    .Aprpos of Lord Beaconsfield, he denies that the net result of his
    administration is a coronet result.

    THE coster shook his fist and cried,
    "How can a cove be placid,
    When Boards o' Works, they up. and goes,
    And squirts his Sunday market do's
    With diabolic acid F"



    THE Turks have gained a Complete Victory, capturing 20,000
    Servians and 100 guns. The Servians are utterly demoralized, and
    in disorderly retreat. There is no doubt as to the issue of the war.

    (Same date,)
    The Servians have achieved an Unqualified Success, taking 20,000
    Turks and 100 guns. The Turks have lost all discipline, and are
    flying in disorder. The issue of the struggle admits of no doubt.
    In no human being are love of home, gentleness, humanity,,
    sympathy, and morality more pre-eminent than in the Turkish
    irregular soldier. It is a positive fact that the authorities are so fully
    aware of the inability of a Bashi-Bazouk to live without something to
    love and cherish, that each soldier is provided with a milk-white pet
    lamb as part of his war outfit. I was present the other day at a most
    affecting scene. A pet lamb belonging to one of the soldiers had just
    died, and amid the fast-falling sympathetic tears of the whole
    regiment of bearded men, the poor little creature was consigned to its
    last home in a wicker coffin decorated with flowers. As the last clod
    of earth fell over the innocent grave, the former owner of the gentle
    pet gave vent to one deep sob, and expired. He was subsequently
    buried in the same grave with his little companion, not an eye in the
    whole camp being dry. The brutal Bulgarians are in the habit of
    hanging up these gentle Bashi-Bazouks by the heels and flaying them
    alive at least a dozen times each. The Bulgarians are all alike-
    murderers, forgers, pickpockets, and cowards. Your Liberal Com-
    missioner is beneath contempt, and a liar. During the whole of my
    experiences hate I has Mot em one single case of atrocity being com-
    mitted by the Turks.
    (Fnom ORa LTBERAL CoMMIssIoxmE.)
    Shave been engaged during the last week in following your Con-
    servative Commissioner about, in the hope of finding out how he con-
    trives not to see any atrocities. I am firmly convinced that he is a
    diussealer and a savage. He is at the present moment sitting on a
    heap of Bulgarian skulls, and writing letters to you. The Turkish
    old iy are pillaging the town to the last stick. They have just
    burned'fifty babies for taking part in the war.
    (FRno OTu CoNssvATRvri CoMMIssIonax.)
    The Turkish troops are just returning from making a few purchases
    in the town. I hear that some of the younger Bulgarians have just
    been executed for committing horrible crimes. I have found a rather
    hard seat on the outskirts of the town, and have availed myself of it
    -to write these few lines to you. The lies and exaggerations of .your
    Liberal Commissioner are unworthy of a dog. The son of a priest in
    the' town, named Kjvgxgvtz Llgvovickz, has committed a most brutal
    assault on five harmless Bashi-Bazouks and has been (most un-
    willingly) executed, though in the gentlest way.
    (FRox Ou& LIsa&AL CoMMIssIONUR.)
    The son (aged one year and two months) of a priest named
    Kjvgxgvtzs Lgvovicks has just been skinned and burned by five
    Bashi-Bazouks just for the sake of fun. A dozen women were
    butchered yesterday in the presence of myself and your Conservative
    Commissioner, but he knows nothing about it. I have been in con-
    versation with him, and really his assurances that he has seen nothing
    are so frank and childlike as almost to bear the impress of truth.
    The Turks are just boiling a few old men to pass the time.
    Your sneak of 'a Liberal Commissioner talks about the butchery of
    a dozen Bulgarian women in my presence. I can only say I did not
    see anything of the sort. On the other hand I have just been witness
    of a most striking proof of the gentleness and affection of the Turkish
    soldiers. The son of the priest Kjvgxgvtz Llgvovicrz having un-
    fortunately skinned and burned himself alive, his mother came into
    the Turkish camp and was most abusive; but the Turkish soldiers
    were so overcome with pity that each of them determined to adopt the
    old lady as his own mother. This, however, being contrary to camp
    regulations, many of the soldiers signified their intention of dying
    rather than live under such unfeeling and brutal rules. The matter
    was at length arranged by the commander, Torcherum Bludsukkar
    Bey, settling the whole of his property on the bereaved parent. I
    may as well state that this custom of brutality by flaying themselves
    alive and leaving themselves to die by the wayside is a common trick
    among the Bulgarians to throw dust in the eyes of .Europe. I have
    not yet seen any Turkish atrocities.

    [Sux. (, 1876,

    ~ip'. 6,l~76] iFUN. 99

    (FaoM Oun LIBERAL OsrMMi8szsoNR.)
    I have at last discovered why your Conservative Commissioner sees
    no atrocities! He is sn tho habit of tying a ysws bandage with red
    spots over his eyes wohA anything is about to happen !
    Your Libeaal Commissioner has been again wildly exaggerating.
    I do not tie ayweon bandage over my eyes! The bandage is only a
    sort of neutral'blue, and the spots are pink. After this you will
    know how to value the statements of stch a hyperbolical wretch!

    DONCASTER, 18716.
    A.GosPUR .E.ITIvrvuS

    AS 'M goingtotheLeger, and Im
    going there to win,
    For what's the good of
    going, if you go to
    lose your tin ?
    TYou might as well re-
    main at home,
    And by the railway
    never roam
    O'er half the Midland
    system" just to see
    the horses spin.
    Take your ticket, train
    -- is starting,
    Make your mind up
    ere departing,
    Notto cry, when home-
    _. .ward smarting,
    "Racing is a sin!"

    My coin is down on Kis-
    bher, and I'm sure
    that he can stay,
    4' Though Petrarch's speed
    may bother him for
    more than half the
    But when the Red House run is reached,
    The lesson's taught -let's call it teached-
    (For once we may be vulgar, as we're on a vulgar Jay)-
    Lesson's taught that he who's faster
    Must, if well, remain the master.
    Fielders, fearful, cry Disaster
    Follows us to-day !"
    I don't like laying odds on, but this looks a perfect "eert."
    I know a private tipster who says Back it for your shirt I"
    The words seem cheap from one who spurns-
    Whate'er he wins, whatever he earns-
    The garment that goes next the skin to keep it clear of dirt.
    Still his words are worth the heeding,
    Whether shirt or not he's needing-
    He's a judge of blood and breeding,
    Distance, sprint, and spurt!
    Be sure and follow my advice, and put the pieces down:
    That Kisber wins the Leger bet a bob against a brown.
    A guinea 'tis against a goose-
    You see the odds get most profuse
    In my attempt to find a good alliterative noun!
    Back for place a certain runner :
    Petrarch's sure to prove a stunner.
    Coltness, too, you'll find a one.er,-
    Failing, call me clown!
    t[las 1'for the vanity of all earthly hopes and the practical results of

    Another Atrocity.
    'angoodfo k' of Glo'ster have vowed in public meeting to use their
    infleace with Government with regard to the Bulgarian outrages.
    The chairman remarked that their town should certainly take up the
    subject, as attempts were continually mide to GlCo'sturdish atrocities
    over. A visitor, who wished the remark repeated, was.removed with,
    a jokeorom a "farcical drama."

    MR. LowE and the Bicycle Club have been in correspondence again.
    It appears that the velocipede is still our Robert',s favourite method
    of Lo wecomotion.

    YEs, my dears, it was in the year 1877, as near as I can remember,
    that I saved our firm from ruin, and if you see me now living in a
    house rent free omd asking my children and my grandchildren to
    dinner of a Sandi., d a drinking sherry wine out of my own wine-
    glasses, it's because effine never forgot it.
    I was only a porter ten, but the brm had lmawed me from a boy,
    and I was in their confidence, so to speak. Well, our young guvnor
    was a enterprisingigo-a-head young chap, and ready to take up anything
    that 'ud show a good profit, and abovtt the year 1875 he took it into
    his head to go into the Wholesalt Albert Statue business. You see
    everybody was mal en 'em at that time, and orders couldn't be
    executed fast enough, so he ordered a thousand dozen, and when he
    got 'em in he advertised 'em, and the lotwett off rapid, and was stuck
    up all over the country. So after that he ordered a million dozen,
    and being able to do good article eheap, everybody as wanted to put
    up a statue anywhere came to him for a Albert. But about the ycar
    1877 I began to -see as the game was nearly played out, for there
    wasn't room in London for any more, and in the proviLces they were
    stuck about so thick people had to walk single file to get between 'em.
    So one night I sez to him as he 'was going for the evening, I says,
    '" I don't think we shall sell many more o' them Alberts, governor;
    there aint no room left to stick 'em up." And he turned quite pale
    like, and sez, Lor, Brown, don't say that, we got two million on
    order, and they'll be delivered to-morrow." Well, in a day or two, he
    found out what I said was true, and he eez, Brown, we re ruined if
    them two million don't go off. Do you recommend antimony or cyanide
    of potassium? "Don't you be a fool, young master," I sez, I'll go
    home and think it out, and p'r'aps I'll help you out of this mess."
    And I did, for next morning I'd got the idea and gave it him gratis,
    and we had half-a-dozen men in straight and hollowed out the statues
    inside, and made them open and shut and all sorts of things, and
    that's how it is all the pillar boxes you see are Albert Statues, with the
    mouth wide enough for anything within regulation limits. The
    Government was pleased with the idea, and bought the lot up, and the
    firm was saved.
    And it was your grandfather, my dears, as saved 'em.

    Gladstone v. Uisbeaconraelifield.
    A CONSERaATrIV contemporary accuses Mr. Gladstone of being
    jealous of Lord Beaconsfield. What can our great statesman find t6
    be jealous of in the newly-varnished Premier ? Mr. Gladstone has
    made a name which is honoured wherever it is heard. Mr. Disrael
    has had to throw his pffas. the serpent casts his skin; ot, mowe
    correty eakg,he bhas arled it way. .

    Bermondney Ltgie.
    Aw aged pauper has committed faid4, fearing he should be
    "moved on" to another workhouse. The coroner, *ith a profundity
    worthy the occasion, remarked-" It was strange with what tenacity
    people clung to familiar faces and associations." Mirabile dictu !
    Most admirable coroner! Verdict: "Unsound mind." We endorse it.

    Light Amusement.
    A PAINTER has been fined two pounds or fourteen days for setting
    fire to some furze on Tooting Common. This is the furze time so
    heavy a penalty has been inflicted for such a common offence. The
    magistrate should have remembered that commons are now essentially
    a burning question.

    AH," said a theatrical manager recently to the private detective
    who searched the authors of the house for stolen jokes, "ah, my
    friend, there is a wide difference between our professions. With you
    it is always a case of weather eye open; with me it's always a case of
    whether I shut!"

    A Ram Shackled.
    THE Royal Dublin Rim Show -has been very successful. Mr.
    Ward Hunt was unable to exhibit his famous "Vanguard," on account
    of its continued detention at Sea Bottom Farm in company with other
    sheeps of war.
    "Year, Year I"
    IN future the corn harvest will make its first app-ear-ance on New
    'Ears day, and be gathered in at Wheatsu4tide. (The contributor
    who sends this ought to be well threshed.)

    WHvAT is the fruit of unused railway lines ?-Green gauges.


    [SmT. 6, 1876.


    Tell yer what, my lads, you go to zmy country-good living there I Talk about plenty! Plenty to eat there, I can tell you."

    Say ia Devonshire for instance. Cotted cream, Sir? Oa, I know what you
    mean-we had a bit down from London last year, as a present."

    At the Seaside. "Fish, yer honours-oh, ah, yes! Oh, I dessay you'll
    get a bit when the train comes in from London."

    IsF1 S 1\ -.FC'E

    ~,, r, V6

    Amoeg the pasture. Well, nc, we don't have much milk to spare, becos it goes
    up to London, you ate-but I might get you haWf a glass."

    And so we hurried back to town to get something to eat.

    IF U N .-SEPTEMBER 6, 1876.


    -u .1150K

    \\\*\ ~




    "BRAVO, JOHN !"



    SPTr. 6, 1876.1 FU N 103


    A. I BRAR about a grief that sears,
    Nor finds the least relief in tears;
    My heart is all as sick and sore
    As human heart may be :
    From Eastward lands there comes a breath
    That tells of butchery and death,
    Of torture, robbery, and gore,
    And savage devilry.
    Such direful stories .have I learnt
    Of wives and maids and children burnt;
    And, oh, I weep because I see
    No dawning hope-no remedy!
    B. Now let thine heart with joy expand i
    Behold a remedy at hand !
    (They hold a gathering of three
    At Little-Splashton-by-the-Sea,
    To deprecate, in words severe,
    The fiendish carnival and feast
    Of gory butchers in the East-
    The remedy is here!)
    BOTH. Oh, joy! These horrors can no longer be-
    Abolished by a gathering of three !

    A. The Eastern horror fades and pales;
    But yet a pang my heart assails,
    My eye displays a wildness born
    Of positive despair:
    I think of victims thick as hail
    That lie along our lines of rail,
    Of people lying crushed and torn
    And bleeding everywhere.
    I weep to see that hope is vain
    For those who take a trip by train;
    I weep at seeing nought to check
    This ghastly revelry of wreck!
    B. Now let thy bosom bound with bliss ;
    Behold a certain check to this :
    Inspectors go and dally not;
    But make inquiries on the spot.

    If information they procure,
    But fail to make a further move,
    Such energy must surely prove
    A most effective cure.
    BOTH. Oh, what relief Such zeal most surely gains
    Perfect security for railway trains!

    A. Be calm, my mind, no longer chafe-
    I know that railway-trains are afe :
    But sadly still shall flow my rhyme-
    One sorrow yet remains:
    I see our barristers besmear
    All witnesses who venture near
    With character-deflingDelime
    And fame-destroying stains.
    No arguments we can addmce
    May stop their legalised abuse;
    I know no fiat which may place.
    An iron hand on this disgrace..
    B. Now jubilate, for I will tell.
    A remedy for this as weD),
    For Tomkins (on the Press)' will write
    Those lawyers down with all his might.
    With pen that makes injustice quail
    His thunder he will fling around,
    And point and argue and expound-.
    Can such specific fail P
    BOTH. Let jubilation echo far and wider
    The bar itself can now be purified r
    No more uneasiness we need endure,
    For all these scandals we have found a cure '

    BOTH. Oh, sad surprise! Satiety of ill!
    The Eastern butchery is rampant still';
    The gathering of three retards it not:
    The railway accidents grow more and more,
    And passengers are mangled by the score,
    In spite of those inquiries on the, spot!
    The learned gentlemen whose mouths disperse
    The legal libels go from worse to worse
    In spite of all the lessons Tomkins penned:
    Oh, check-less evils! Hope is at an end!
    (They give it up in despair.)

    Things the Turks "haven't" done.
    LET their own people starve while they were sending thousands of
    pounds abroad. Fined a baker five pounds for supplying a traveller
    with a bottle of lemonade and a sponge cake after eleven at night.
    Put the blame of a wholesale railway smash on a telegraph boy of
    fifteen. Started a Charity Organisation Society. Put pretty women
    in the streets to wheedle coppers out of working men. Invented the
    School Board officer. Made it a criminal offence for little boys to
    bathe themselves. Started a public Divorce Court. Allowed jurymen
    to hint murder against well known people in the public press. Made
    the Sultan and the Grand Vizier an emperor and an earl respectively.

    "Hire Up !"
    THB latest dispute between cab-proprietors and drivers, that is to
    say between Cabital and Labour, has been happily settled. The
    owners wished to charge a higher rate' of hire, and the men were
    naturally hire rate about it.

    104 F U N (SEPT. 6, 1876.


    -_QJ ~ ~ *

    Btiggins offeringg tract to dreadful Bohemian) :-" YOUNG FRIEND, WHY IDLEST THOU THY TIME AWAY? TAKE THIS LITTLE TRACT, AND
    D. B. (unblushingly, and regardless of the pain he inflicts on the holy man) :-" No, THANxs, OLD CHAP ; I WRITE 'X MYSELF "



    SCENE : A theatre in the Strand devoted to Art as directed by Literature
    and Journalism. Fashionable and Anxisus to be .Bnthusiastie
    portion of Audience applaud rising of curtain. Brilliant and Literary
    portion convulsed at the witty selection of names for dramatic personal.
    ACT I.-MR. PETRE OLEUM'S cottage at Penge.
    Enter Mas. PEPPER PODS, who seats herself at Mas. PETBR OLEUM'S
    workbasktt, and commences work quite naturally.
    MRS. P. P. That Byron's an awful wag, or he wouldn't have sent
    me in here to do this. (Keeps on doing it though.)
    B.ter PATER OLEUM.
    PBTBR 0. Ah, my dear Mrs. Pods, it's the most natural thing in
    the world that I should find you here in my house engaged in
    domestic occupation while my wife is doubtless in yours, if we could
    only shift these scenes and see her, also enjoying herself. But I am
    falling away, Mrs. Pods, falling away. (81aps his waistcoat.) Look
    for yourself, my dear madam, look!
    Mas. P. (looking up one of his coatsleeves). Ah, dear me, another
    good man gone wrong.
    Enter Mas. PETER OLEUM.
    Mas. 0. Ha, ha! I have to perlay the jealous wife, and neow's
    my opportunitee! But hush, I must dissemble. (Dissembles till she
    is nearly black in the face. Onashings of teeth and slow music.)
    Mas. P. Ah, my dear Mrs. Oleum, welcome I Pray take a seat.
    Do you know that odious servant of mine-.
    Mas. 0 (dissembling visibly). Servants are not the worst creatures
    in the world. Those who undermine- .
    Mas. P. Under yours, indeed! (Great applause from Brilliant and
    Literary portion of Audience.)

    'lter PEPPER PODS.
    MRs. P. I also am a jealous wife, ha, ha! (Sees her husband look
    at Mas. OLEUM.) Traitor, murderer, miscreant, wait till I get you
    Enter Our Muteual Friend as played by MR. BYRON with great success at
    various houses, notably only a short time back at Haymarket, looking
    more Muteual and less Friendly than ever.
    MR. BYRON. Ah, well, I suppose there's no help for it. rm a
    regular funny dog, and anything I say's sure to be laughed at.
    Ladies, I perceive with half an eye you're jealous. (Exeunt ladies to
    learn fresh signs of jealousy.)
    Ma. P. I'm a poor married man.
    Ma. 0. And I'm another, only more so.
    Ma. BYRON. Now, my fine fellows, you know what my position
    in this play is. Y.n must obey me in every particular. Brown has
    taken the Bull by the Horns" where the busses stop at South
    Kensington, and you must do the same, only, for the convenience of
    the audience, you must do it here. That will enable you to be your
    own masters.
    Re-enter LADIES, more jealous than ever.
    LADIEs. What's this we hear ? Hal ha! (They dissemble once more.)
    Ma. BYRoN. What you hear is this: In accordance with the ways
    of society, as known in my comedies, I'm going to take your husbands
    to town with me, so that when they come back you may allow them
    HUsBANDS. Latchkeys we will have latchkeys!
    (Here Ma. BYRON hits on the novel and witty expedient of clapping the
    big husband's hat on the little husband's head, and the little husband's
    hat on the big husband's head. Mns. PODS in hysterics (L.). Mas.
    OLBUM in hysterics (R.). Hats on (c.). Much enthusiasm among
    Brilliant and Literary portion of Audience. Paying portion of public
    try to laugh and fail.-Tableau.

    SEPT. 6, 1876.] F U N 105

    ACT II.- Chambers somewhere in town. Bookshelf full of packets of real
    live MS. Motion; among Brilliant and Literary portion of Audience
    at sight of them. One Brilliant and Literary party goes out and
    gasps. O der eventually restored, when it is suggested these are only
    unpublished works of lit'ry gent in charge of establishment. PRTEB
    OLEUR and PBPPER PODS seated like corner men of Christy
    Minstrels, one at each side of stage, smoking, and tryi'.g to look as if
    they didn't like it.
    MR. 0. Splendid joke this, pretending to be sick.
    Mn. P. But I'm afraid I've pretended too much, and really am.
    Let's go out and order dinner. (They go.)
    E,,ter MR. BYnoN with bottles.
    Ma. BYnoN. Now for some jokes while they're gone. Here's a
    bottle of Clos Vougeot-old-Clos Vougeot- call it-and here's a bottle
    of extra dry Mumm, my friends always are extra dry when they get
    hold of it. But Mumm's the word.
    Enter the O'TARRAGON with novel and striking effects.
    O'T. I am a descendant of the Irish kings, and so I speak a
    language which, like Irish kings, is unknown in Ireland. Oh, my
    unhappy country! (To MB. BYroN.) Polly voo Froncy, Musseer ?
    MR. BYrON. You say you are a natural descendant of the Irish
    kings ?
    O'T. No, sor. By the direct line. (Brilliant and Literary applause.)
    But let me get this old wheeze off my mind: Polly voo Froncy, and
    plase will ye lend me the loan of a gridiron-a taypot, I mean?
    Ma. BYRoN. I note that some of your royal blood has got in your
    royal nose, and so, as I haven't a teapot handy, you can have this
    kettle, more especially as I'm sure the old lady who does for me fries
    my bacon in the dustpan. [Exit O'T. with kettle.
    Enter MbS. PBPPER and MaR. OLExu. Mns. PODS goes to bookcase
    and takes up a bundle of MS8. More anxiety and emotion in stalls. It
    falls heavily from her hand, very heavily.
    Mos. 0. What's Oleum doing ?
    Mr. BYRON. Nothing. And Pods is helping him. (This's affair
    specimen of the fossil jokes throughout.)
    BOTH. Monster!
    Moi. BYRao. You forget that at this juncture you've got to obey
    me in everything. Go into my bedroom and look out from there.
    (They go into bedroom, and as they do OLErUM and PODS re-enter.)
    MR. BYRno. As we have now a few minutes to spare we had better
    let off a few remaining old and crusted jokes I have on hand.
    (They let them off. To make them more effective MR. BYRON throws
    PoDs'S hat out of window and then OLRuxe'S. P. and 0. company then
    hang themselves ever witndow-sill and do pantomime. Wives rush from
    bedroom and scream loudly. When they are done, re-enter the
    O'TABnAGON drunk, with kettle, and WAITER with property repast.
    O'T. (looking at MNu. 0.). Ha ha! My Araminta!
    WAITER (looking at Mas. P. and dropping the dinner). My
    Clementina! (Mutual recognition, in which Muteual Friend is busy.
    Hysterics, fits, literary fireworks, and Tableau.
    ACT III.-OLErso's cottage again. SERVANT of Pons's tells SERVANT
    of OLau 's that neither of their masters has been home all night.
    Enter Mas. Pons and MRs. OLEUM.
    Mas. 0. Hew you did snore all night, love.
    MRs. P. How you kicked, dear. fm not at all surprised that
    your poor husband preferred to stop out all Eight, if that's how you go
    on, love.
    Enter Our Mutesal Friend, MR. BYRON.
    MB. BY-noN. Ladies, I am here in my usual capacity, and wish to
    restore peace between you and your husbands. I took 'em to the
    Alhambra after you returned, and now they are full of-
    LonDIES. RemoTre!
    MB. Baoii. No. Brandy and soda is much more like it. But here
    they are.
    E, ter Pons and OLErM.
    Mn. 0. I have been smoking and drinking, and am repentant.
    MB. P. I have been drinking and smoking, and am sick.
    WivEs. Then we'll forgive you.
    HUSBANDS. But we won't be forgiven. We'll go abroad and make
    a night of it there. (They depart to pack their portmanteaux.)
    Enter WAITER and O'TARRAGON.
    O'T. Oh, my Araminta, fly, oh fly with me. Or, on second
    thoughts, we'll stay, if your husband's giing.
    WaITm. And oh, my COementina, I say ditto to Mr. O'Vinegar.
    Re-enter husbands (a. and L.) ready for abroad to make a niglt of it.
    Travelling cape and hat boxes. They witness with emotion the repulse
    of WAIrrm and O'T. by their wives. Exeunt WAITmR and 0 T.
    Grand reconciliation of Ma. and Mls. Pons (n.) and MB. and Mos.
    OaEu.M .(I.), by MLs. BYRxlo (a.). .hjymed tag, Tablesa and
    [This is'perhaps the wealrest and worsl play ever produced (we can
    hardly say wrAittea) by, Mr. Byen, who seems to have combined in itl

    all his faults and omitt- d from it all his virtues. The jokes are old
    and stale, and altogether the piece on the first night proved a terrible
    disappointment to all present but those who delight in the failure of
    anybody and anything. There is no writer of the present day who
    deserves success more t. in Mr. Byron does; no management which
    works harder or more conscientiously than that of the Gaiety. But it
    would, seem as if in the present case the effort has been made to
    deserve failure rather than anything else. The acting of Miss Farren
    and Mr. Soutar is exceptionally good; Mr. Byron plays himself with
    great care and solemnity, and if Mr. Maclean did not exaggerate so
    much his stageI rishbnan would be really funny. We should suggest
    that Little lDon Cesar, which now follows, bemixed up indiscriminately
    with the drama. The whole would then be found much more interest-
    ing as a special Byronic preparation, and not a, whit more puzzling
    than it is now. The effect of the burlesque on.the drama is at present
    painfully apparent,; mingled, one scene would help down the other,
    and pave the way to probable success.]

    Turning from an entertainment in which theprowmise was so much
    in excess of the performance, to matters of less pretentious kind, we
    most heartily recommend I dwellers in the N.W. district and all others
    interested in panoramic work, not to miss the exhibition now on at the
    Park-street Theatre, Camden Town. The roller-pictures which
    enable the spectator to travel round the world and home again in
    less than two hours, are the work of Barneo, Telbin, O'Connor,
    Pachiarrotto, and others equally well-known for their work in oil and
    distemper, and the diornmic effects are of an equally representative
    character. Thelecture which accompanies the shoawis both instructive
    and amusing, and from it we learn that lions in captivity always have
    the toothache; while anter a visit to Park-street anyone who has the
    ill luck to be eaten by wild beasts will have the consolation of know-
    ing the carnivores will suffer subsequently from something much worse
    than conscience- Mange!

    To horse! to horse Sir Carington, for party strife is high,
    Make swiftly for thy native meads, and give our foes the lie.
    Come sound the noto of war abroad and call your cavaliers,
    The Tory knaves aro in our midst and poisoning our ears.
    To horse! to horse! Sir Carington, and lead us in the fight,
    To strike one blow for Liberty against their Tory might.
    Sir Carington is with us now; look where his banner waves,
    The flag of "Truth and Progress" which was never borne by
    And flocking round his standard come all honest men and true,
    To show the gouty addlepates what Liberals can do:
    Ah! did you think, young Cottesloe, the vacant place was thine ?
    You had not then set eyes upon our Rupert from the Rhine.*
    Oh, is he not a gallant knight to follow in the frayl
    Ten thousand hearts go with him as he gallops on his way.
    With taunting words upon his tongue, and scorn within his eye,
    He falls upon the drowsy horde, and smites them hip and thigh.
    And while he hurls upon the chiefs their fearful deeds of shame,
    They bend their heads to hide the fear their telltale cheeks
    "Too long beneath your cursed yoke these honest folk have bowed,
    Your wicked arts have kept them dumb, to-day they cry aloud.
    To-day they speak and draw the sword, to fight as did their sires,
    For Hampden's county' once again to Liberty aspires."
    So spake our P upert to the foe, who stood with bated breath,-
    Then smiled on us and led the way to victory or death.

    Ye Silent Halls!
    MB. HALL, the Conservative M P. for Oxford, has informed his.con-
    stituents that since he entered Parliament he had found that those
    who talked the most were the least listened to." We suppose that is
    the explanation Mr. Hall offers his friends for saying nothing. Judged
    by this utterance he is Hall right to hold his tongue as often as he can.
    The man who called him Westminster Hall was an idiot.

    Friends in Council.
    A MB. McAsDnzx has been elected a member of the Liverpool Town
    Conncil. He is stated to be in the Home Rule interest. His election
    can McArdley any difference to the prospects of the party.

    BY OuR OwN WA,.owER.-Of course the news from Bayreuth came
    by Reuter.
    My brother Rupert is coming from Germany."-Lord Carimgton's. pSte.s


    L(srB. 6, 18,76.


    Is a man who cuts his uncle's wife an ignore aunt fellow ?
    Are handcuffs indispensable for the safety of twowrists ?
    Is a policeman allowed a long drop or knot in the execution of his
    duty ?
    When a man orders a pair of t-r-o-s-r-s off a certain roll of stuff,
    does he incite his tailor to breeches of the piece ?
    Ought heavy clouds to be considered in connection with the bearing
    Are the Servian overtures for mediation Acts of Parley meant.

    To Paris Hugo.
    M. VICTOR HUGo thinks the world should be one gigantic confedera-
    tion, with Paris for its centre. This is the latest idea of the centre.
    A modest Hugotistic way of (F)renching supremacy from their q'iet
    little village. The gay city, according to the big-worded romancer, is
    to shade, shelter, and light the whole world-in fact, to be a sort of
    universal Paris sol.
    HABITS or BRITISH BIRDs.-Feathers.

    COOKAYNs is deserted and empty to-day,
    For our uncles, and aunts, and our cousins
    Have out the poor city, and hastened away
    Into parts that are foreign, by dozens.
    And there will they listen to legends and lies-
    For each land has its mythical glories-
    And open their mouths and their ears and their eyes
    Over tales that are nothing but stories.
    Some, bent upon Paris, will cross to Dieppe,
    And may possibly linger at Rouen,
    To view the cathedral- it stands but a step
    From the solemn and stately Saint Ouen.
    The crammers in fashion about the Puoelle
    They may treat with derision and laughter;
    If burnt-she got over the accident well,
    For she lived half-a-century after!
    Fair Switzerland, clime of the mountain and lake,
    Hath a charm and a spell for the rover.
    Lucerne, for example,-unless we mistake-
    Is a stream that is worth tripping over.
    Traditions of Tell and of Gessler are told,
    As a proof how the truth may be twisted;-
    Poor William! He would have been awfully bold
    If poor William had ever existed.
    When Brussels he visits, the roamer will find
    That his national pride may be flattered;
    To gaze on that field he of course is inclined
    Where the hopes of Napoleon were shattered.
    Of Wellington's fame let the Briton discourse;
    He believes in it-sings of it-spouts it.
    That battle was won, though, by Prussians, of course;
    And there breathes not a Prussian who doubts it.
    The farther we wander, the more we perceive
    (As a fact it is folly denying)
    This world, from the birthdays of Adam and Eve,
    Has been terribly given to lying.
    When incidents happen right under my nose
    I can yield them unlimited credit;
    But, thanks to my training, I'm not one of those
    Who believe in a thing when they've read it.

    War is a big A like a clever lodging-house keeper ?
    -Bacause it's a capital letter.

    Wit and Wisdom.
    Two penny Christian papers are having a truly Christian con-
    flict over the right to publish some sermons preached by Dr. De Witt
    Talmage. One paper admits that it set a Christian pitfall for its
    rival, and publishes the result with extreme unction. Our own
    opinion, after studying the case for quite two minutes in all its
    bearings, is that there is a good deal more of the De Witt about the
    Doctor than there is of the De Wisdom about either of these rival
    editors, who seem to love one another as only Christians of the most
    professed kind can.
    So Meathinks.
    SoBnsCopToNs are invited to the,"Butcher Memorial Fund" to
    build something in memory of the late Bishop of Meat. Money for
    such objects is always forthcoming, and the committee will not have
    to suet in vain for their Butcher's Billding. Thousands will beef
    found to veal in their pockets for them.
    Ce n'est que le second Pa-.
    To what length may a widow go when she desires a new parent for
    her children ?-She may go one step-farther!

    C. BRANDAUER &,CO$,'Newreg"steredp,
    series" of these Pens neither scratch nor apurt--the
    poits being rounded by a new process.-Ask y OrA E SS C
    Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Samnple Box=
    select the pattern best suited to your hand. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
    CAIT ION.-If Cee t thien in th es"p it prom tole addiiol. sL]NMI.
    Printed by JTUDD & CO., Fhoanb Work, St. Andrew's Hill, Dotors' Commons, and Published (for tte Propr etor) t 80, Fleet Street, B.O.-LodomN September 6, 107.

    SEPT. 13, 1876.1


    "How doth the little- "-DOCTOR W* TTS
    "Improve each- "-MORAL SONG.
    THE blossoms of Hybla, the buds of Hymettus-
    Old Sicily's glory, old Attica's pride;-
    In dreams we have sipped long as Fancy would let us,
    The nectar those blossoaks and buds have supplied.
    In dreams we have envied each gay busy rover
    Who stole f i om the summer the sweets of its prime;
    Who left the wild buttercups, daisies and clover
    For marjoram's odours and essence of thyme.
    At eve, when the wanderer-weary with roaming-
    In laden satiety flew to its nest,
    New trials and cares would encumber the gloaming,
    And Hesperus never gave token of rest.
    What poet can picture with any precision
    The trials domestic economy breeds
    When Paterfamilias attempts a provision
    For family wishes and family needs ?
    The mind philosophic, on energy musing,
    Elects as a model the hive of the bee
    A home so domestic-if mine were the choosing-- -
    Would surely be safest and fittest for me.
    To banish the bowl and the dance and the revel
    Would suit my ambition, I candidly think;-
    To stroll through my life at a sober dead level,
    And live with my paper, my pens and my ink.
    'Twas thus the grave Stoics and Peripatetics
    Gave each of their minutes to learning alone;-
    They taught metaphysics and studied masthetics,
    And left us a glory completely their own.
    My ink and my paper and pens I will cherish,
    And leave to the world all the wisdom I may;-
    To murmur at last, when I'm ready to perish,
    "Non perdidi diem. I've not lost a day! "

    Reed and Right.
    SIR CHARLES REED- denies the existence of a School
    Board Defence Committee, and asserts that the policy
    of the Board requires no defence. We quite agree
    with him. But it requires attack.


    JoNES and his Amelia are strolling arm-in-arm down Regent-street.
    Their every look and gesture plainly bespeaks the mutual confidence
    and respect born of a belief in the spotlessness of each other's ante-
    cedents. The greatest sympathy and cordiality exist between them,
    and no shade of distrust interrupts the harmony of their intercourse.
    As they turn a corner they suddenly become witnesses of a dispute
    between a cabman and a fare; they waver for a moment as if about
    to withdraw unobserved. But it is too late; the eye of the cabman
    is upon Jones; it seems to say, Here is a witness on my side: the
    eye of the fare is upon Jones's Amelia with a similar expression.
    Jones starts and shudders. Amelia trembles and turns pale. Both
    hesitate and gasp, then dart madly in different directions, hail cabs,
    and fly without a word.
    A cab drives hurriedly up to the house of Brown; Jones, darting
    out, knocks with hurried tremulousness at the door; Brown appears,
    and Jones speaks:-" Quick, Brown, my bosom friends Let me in
    and give me a change of raiment! give me dye for my hair and a false
    beard, and let me obliterate the marking on my handkerchief. Save
    me, or I shall be called as a witness, when all will indeed be lost "
    He goes in, and the door closes hurriedly upon his terror-stricken form.
    The scene is laid in the boudoir of Jones's Amelia's friend
    Benedicta. Jones's Amelia thus addresses her friend :-" Assure me
    once more, 0 my Benedicta, that I am unrecognisable Swear that
    the alteration in my complexion is perfect! Protest that my form is
    wholly altered by the padding, and declare that my hair is now black
    instead of blonde! Say they can never, never identify me for a wit-
    ness, for should they drag me into the box, then is there indeed no hope !
    Now I am comforted and happy !"

    Jones (though disguised) is smoking by the wavelets; his Amelia
    sits, not far off (though also disguised), tatting. There is a look of
    careworn uneasiness on both of them, which tells its own tale. There
    is likewise a sense of painful restraint in their intercourse, as if some
    vague shadow of mistrust had crept over them: it is very depressing.
    Jones communes with himself thus :--" Why should my Amelia thus
    shun the light of cross-examination ? Must there not be something
    in her past life which she would not were unearthed ? Alas, it must
    be so! In a similar strain Amelia muses upon the conduct of her
    Jones. Suddenly a suspicious stranger appears before them; he
    eyes them narrowly; they shudder; he pierces their disguise, and
    hails them as witnesses. They swoon!
    The dispute between the cabman and his fare is under consideration.
    The question is this: Whether the shilling was bad ? The counsel
    for the cabman would fain prove the badness of the shilling; he calls
    Jones, who is pale as death. Page by page (to the end that the bad-
    ness of the coin may be proven) the history of Jones's past life from
    the cradle is laid bare. There are many horrors in it. At the age of
    two Jones stole jam; his grandmother had a wooden leg; at the age
    of twenty-three Jones became bankrupt; he offered marriage to a
    cook and was rejected; his ancestor in the twelfth century had com-
    mitted forgery; he himself suffers from gout; and there are many
    other horrors disclosed. His Amelia turns from him contemptuously
    and sobs, but her time is yet to come. To the end that the shilling may
    be proven good, the counsel for the fare calls up Amelia. Her history
    passes before the view like a panorama: she has jilted fifteen suitors;
    she wears frizettes in her hair, and has corns; her uncle rose from
    nothing; she has smoked cigarettes; there is more than this behind.
    Jones glares and waves her off. They meet outside; in loathing they
    renounce one another for ever, and depart to different points of the
    earth. All is broken off, and they never meet again.

    VOL. XXIV.

    108 F U N [SEPT. 13, 1876.

    rFN OFFICE, Wednesday, Sept. 13, 187.6:
    OuT spake great William, ever open, true,
    Fearless of consequence when duty beckoned,
    His way he trod, though treading it he knew
    'ihat jaundiced prejudice with jaundiced view
    Gazed all askance and purpose hich misreckoned.
    Out spake great William, spake with a doubt,
    As one who knew full well his way about.
    Out spake great William, and denounced the horde-
    Time-serving. cravens of the kind called Tory-
    Who held their tongues while outrage, fire, and sword
    Left on our history a chapter scored
    With infamy destructive of all ancient glory.
    Out spake great William, and his words straightway
    Rang in the ears of all who love fair play.
    Out spake great Gladstone, true old heart of oak!
    Sharp were his words of honest condemnation;
    England stood by, and listened as he spoke,
    Listened to truths which Tories fain would cloak,
    Weeping to think of England's degradation.
    Out spake great Gladstone, and the wind swept by
    Bearing his protest forth to Him on high.
    A conrous pbase of human nature is to be found in the fact that
    no sooner does a man become an object of popular sympathy, than a
    process of moral whitewashing goes on to which the whitewashers
    would ihemse'ves most strongly object if any but their own prote,d
    were being whitened-to which they do object most strongly when
    other ehitewarhers and other wesheds appear upon the scene. Take
    for instance Mr. Stokes, the Wainwright witness, who has just
    cropped up again: which means that he is in need of further assistance
    from the public. His friends would be astonished and indignant if
    they were told that, important as vas the end achieved at his instiga-
    tion, it was in reality the result of a prying curiosity, an impertinent
    desire to pcke the nose into business not its own. Passing over the
    fact that thousands of respectable employers have, since the apotheosis
    of Stokes, been subjected to espionage of a most ridiculous kind from
    errard-boys and hangers-on emulous of Stchesian status, we come to
    another pet lamb who, among quite another section of society, is being
    wept over just now. An Australian gentleman named Trickett, a
    professional rower, is the recipient of much sympathy from book-
    makers and betting men, because another professional rower, with
    whom he was matched, preferred to forfeit the money down rather
    than '" come up to Time." To say nothing of this sporting white-
    washeo having, wibh h:s eyes open, made a match with a second-rarnk
    sculler and declined to meet the best man on the Thames; to say
    nothing of hii having received 100 forfeit Nith which to appease his
    wounded feelings; he and his chief adviser between them have
    publi-hed a private letter for the purpose of strengthening their own
    c'-ie and obtainining sympathy,-a proceeding which, in the eyes of
    many unnbiassa d folk, will take a deal of plastering over before it is
    covered up and completely forgotten.

    BET of far more public interest than the preceding gentlemen and
    their case, though in exactly the same line, is the most recent episode
    of anti-vaccina'ion. The Keighley guardians, having brought upon
    these ves h- m'1 ir -7 of the law, were sent to prison, and as they
    suffered in a ...-- I consciencee they received no Emall amount of
    sympathy fr(m b.th sides. Englishmen always admire people who
    have the courage of their opinions, and a good doel of whitewashing
    went on iith regard to the Keighley guardians, some of their
    staunchst sympathizers being men who have no feeling with the
    insane and irrational outcry against a process which those who know
    anything cf our social history never cease to bless. As these men
    were martyrs even in a bad cause they were treated with every
    courtesy-were prisoners more in name than in actual being, as prison
    rules go new-and to save them the indignity of being searched, they
    were put upon their honour as to tobacco and cigars. The p ,inful
    result, the undignified issue for martyrs, of this kindness, was that a
    charge before the magistrates ef surreptitious smoking had to be pre-
    ferred against them, and, what is worse, conviction followed. We
    have no wish to add to the unpleasantness of the position in which
    these people stand, and so shall merely revert to our remark as to the
    folly of belieNing that directly a man has some ground for s5ymathy
    he is in all matters spotless as an angel. With regard to the guardians
    in particular, the moral seems to be directed generally against that
    obstinate and benighted class who declaim against and refuse to
    benefit by a scientific discovery, which not only eclipses all scientific
    discoveries of modern times, but the beneficial effects of which are so
    patent that none but the most wilfully blind can possibly ignore them.

    NO NEWS.
    (From the Times," September, 1886.)
    A Maiss meeting of the editors and leader writers of the London
    daily and weekly newspapers took place yesterday afternoon at the
    Cannon-street Hotel to discuss the present serious position of affairs.
    Mr. Jones, of the Thunderer, was unanimously voted to the chair.
    THE CHAIRMAN, in opening the proceedings, dwelt at some length
    upon the terrible dearth of news which characterized the present sea-
    son, and candidly confessed that he found himself utterly unable to
    fill his columns, and that only last night he had been compelled to
    reprint obsolete Acts of Parliament in extenso as curiosities," in
    order to bring the paper out. He then contrasted this state of things
    with their position exactly ten years ago. Carrying their minds back
    to September, 1876, his brother journalists would remember that a war
    was raging in Eastern Europe about which as many columns as re-
    quisite could always be elaborated from the telegrams;. murders of an
    interesting character were cropping up daily all over the country; the
    devouring element was good almost nightly for a descriptive half-
    column, besides Captain Shaw's report; little boys bathing and getting
    drowned afforded convenient paragraphs with occasional short leaders;
    while railway accidents were managed by the companies on sueh a
    liberal scale that they could be worked at for a fortnight; and last,
    but not least, the Admiralty, with wrecks and explosions, enabled the
    Press to give a seasonable saltness to its remarks, and these Naval
    disasters, coupled with frequent boat accidents, were capable of a
    dressing unusually suitable to the large class of seaside readers for
    which they had to cater at this period of the year. Things had
    changed now.
    A VOICE. And all our own fault!
    THE CHAIRMANx. Well, perhaps it was. However, they were
    there that afternoon to consider what should be done. Not a railway
    accident, not a murder or a suicide had happened since Parliament
    rose, now three weeks since. There was no war, no Home Rule even.
    There had not been a boy drowned in the Lea all the bathing season,
    and the houses of the metropolis refused to indulge in the very
    mildest blaze. It was very certain that if something didn't happen
    shortly to report and write about, the papers must come out with
    what advertisement's they could get and blank columns.
    Mar. DEL TarT quite appreciated the remarks of the last speaker.
    His was a penny paper, and one to which the public looked for sen-
    sational intelligence. His leader writers were clever young men who
    would do their columns of descriptive on a pump handle or a leader oni
    cabbage stalks easy, but the public wouldn't have pump handles and
    cabbage stalks every morning. Now what was the cause of this dearth e f
    incident, this cessation of that crime and accident without which no
    newspaper in the land could flourish? Why, undoubtedly, as a
    gentleman in the body of the hail had previously remark, d, it was th,
    fault of the Press itself. Who had clamoured for that education of
    the masses and that intelligent police supervision which had stamped
    out crime and immorality ? The Press. Who had placed rhetoric -i
    dynamite under an inf:,.mous system e-xplded it, there y reducing the risks of railway tr. vel to ,iil Th-e
    Press. Who had exposed the mismanagement of a Conservative
    Cabinet, and brought about a Libfral Government, under which nav..l
    disasters were impossible ? The Press. Who had insisted upon little
    boys learningto swim and thus avoid being drowned in the Lea ? 3 he
    Press. Yes, the Press had civilized and educated incident from the
    face of the earth, and they must pay the penalty. He for one hati
    always been opposed to the virtuous arguments which custom had
    compelled the journalist to adopt. Moral perfection and excitim;
    incident did not go together, and where was the Press withou-
    exciting incident ?
    Several gentlemen addressed the meeting in a similar strain, anrd
    it was finally resolved, That this meeting recognizes with dismay the
    fact that crime and disaster are rapidly decreasing. That it is t,) the
    interest of that body which this meeting represents that the reverse
    should be the case. That this meeting therefore pledge, itself to
    bring about, by every effort in its power, an order of things more
    conducive to a large circulation, and therefore resolves:- (1) To cease
    advocating the education of the masses; (2) To eulogize the railway
    management of ten years ago; (3) To write down swimming as a
    dangerous art; and (4) To clamour for a Conservative Government
    with whose aid alone it is possible to keep the country in a chronic
    state of political, social, and moral ferment."

    Batter so.
    THE E:ght of Pontypool half battery of volunteer artillery is to be
    disbanded in consequence of some free fighting when at Caerleon.
    In consequence of several assaults there will be no battery.

    Correct Reading.
    THE last news about the fashions should be called The Ladiest



    THERE were tears of tribulation which assembled in the eye,
    And compassion which monopolised the bosom of the nation,
    When it came to be discovered that the neighbourhood of Y-
    Was unhappily afflicted with a dreadful visitation.
    'Twas an evil, I remember, of the most terrific sort
    (Though the nature of the evil has escaped my recollection;
    But I think it was by reason of t-bacco running short-
    Or I fancy it was buttons, on deliberate reflection).
    And the pity of the nation was so singularly great
    That there flowed, for weeks together, one unbroken deputation
    To the Secretary General Commissioner of State,
    With a hope that he'd consider the distressing situation.
    For the people of the neighbourhood so painfully bereft
    Were unable to contend against their terrible position.
    And tobaccoless (or buttonless) were dying right and left;
    And the place was in a dreadfully deplorable condition.
    Then the Secretary General Commissioner of State
    Straight betook him to considering the painful situation,
    And he told the deputations that the thing would have to wait
    'Till he learned about the matter from official information ;
    For the Secretary, owing to his kindliness of soul,
    Was a-brimming full of interest, and earnest in the matter ;
    But he wasn't to be hurried by the lack of self-control
    Of an addle-headed people, and their clamouring and clatter.
    For, as yet, had been inspected by that Secretary's eye
    No official information on the subject whatsoever;
    Still the miserable people in the neighbourhood of Y--
    Were continuing their threadlets of mortality to sever:
    Then, I'm happy to remember, when a year or two had passed,
    That the bosom of the populace was full of jubilation
    At the Secretiry General's informing it at last
    That the Government were constantly expecting information.
    Then another seven years or so had wax6d and had waned-
    (' [was exactly seven years, if I am good at recollecting)-
    When the Government were duly understood to have obtained
    The official information they had hourly been expecting.
    Then the Secretary General Commissioner of State
    Was distinctly understood to have recorded his opinion,
    That to suffer such a matter as the present one to wait
    Might reflect upon the honour of our glorious dominion.
    But the unreflecting people in the neighbourhood of Y--,
    Who had suffered from the previously-mentioned visitation,
    Had continued so determinedly and stubbornly to die,
    That they only left one aged man of all the population;
    And the dreadful visitation, growing fainter day by day,
    Had become a recollection, a remembrance, an impression,
    Till senility, increasing, took that aged man away,
    And his heir-at-law succeeded him iu orthodox succession.
    But, to prove that true humanity is never out of date,
    I experience the highest satisfaction in relating
    That the Secretary General Commissioner of State
    Had, during all this interval, been kindly agitating.
    He had urged upon the Government with subtlety and art
    That a certain sum of money should be given by the nation
    For the sending out of buttons (or tobacco) to the part
    Where the terrible calamity was working devastation.
    So the reasons pro and con. were then considered one by one,
    The political objections to the motion were debated ;
    Then- (a dozen summers after)-it was carried with a run,"
    And the Secretary General was properly elated.

    He as really so delig,.tt that he put upon the shelf
    All his reticence of office and his dignity of station;
    And he swore to take the buttons (or tobacco) out himself,
    And distribute them in person at the scene of desolation.
    But the country was depopulated, desolate, and bare,
    On the Secretary General Commissioner's arriving.
    And the only living being he encountered was the heir
    Of'that solitary gaffer who'd succeeded in surviving.
    So he offered him the buttons (or tobacco), while he pressed
    All his devastated fingers with convulsed commiseration,
    Till he started to discover that the party he addressed
    Hadn't ever heard a word about that awful visitation.
    Then he hurried back indignantly to London with a dash,
    And he jacketed his colleagues most unfeelingly and roundly;
    And he stated that the Government was lamentably rash
    In deciding on a plan without investigating soundly.
    "Why, they didn't want ouraid," he said, we made a pretty mess,
    With our premature benevolence, and hastiness, and flurry "
    And I fancy, when in future there are people in distress,
    That the Government's unlikely to assist them in a hurry !

    THE Hereford Journal, a paper generally correct in its facts, reports
    a local bench of magistrates as fining a man one-and-sixpence for
    cruelty to a donkey. As the same paper is as a rule extremely caustic
    in its remarks, we were disappointed to find it mis-ed a good opportu-
    nity for a dissertation on the fellow-feeling which seems to have been
    somehow or the ether missing at the sapient meeting. Evidently the
    Journal has a much greater regard for the Bench than the Bench has
    for the other-well, let us say J.P.'s.

    The Earth below the Waters.
    A SCrENTIrIC gentleman, writing to explain the explanations of
    those who had been beforehand with him in the columns of the
    leading journal about the Thunderer explosion, does indeed say some-
    thing new. It is that the boilers of the ship are in a subterranean
    dungeon" along way below the water level. As he is evidently very
    careful to be exact in his phraseology, we now begin to understand
    how it was that at this thundering distance down the Thunderer's
    escape valves felt unequal to the occasion.

    A SCOTCH firm advertises in a Scotch newspaper for a Scotch man
    to travel in the Scotch drapery business." The advertisement, hav-
    ing expressed the want," says-" A steady, active farm servant pre-
    ferred." The connection between Scotch farm labour and drapery is
    about as clear to the ordinary comprehension as the connection
    between Scotch jokes and jocularity or Scotch fiddles and music.
    Perhaps this is a Scotch joke. Who would be daring enough to aver
    either way P
    False Beasts and True."
    A GENTLEMAN Of the bricklaying persuasion has been sent to prison
    for two months for disabling a cat and then setting a ferret on it. A
    ferret timely punishment. When Peers and Premiers smile and chaff
    about ripped-up women, bricklayers are apt to fancy animal-worrying
    fair sport.
    A Post of Honour.
    THeoroT' the kindness of Dr. Badger the Sultan of Zanzibar has
    undertaken to convey some acid drops, pills, and ginger beer from the
    Telegraph people to Stanley. The "Dr. Livingstone I presume" young
    adventurer has chained any amount of kings to his chariot wheel, and
    now he is the cause of a Sultan being Badgered.

    SarT. 13, 1876.]

    110 F U N (SEPT. 13, 1876.



    The black man then took a turn round town,
    THE UNCONVERTED HEATHEN. And he listened to starving cries.
    A VERY SIMPLE STORY. He felt in his pocket for half-a-crown,
    ancame to old Eng- But his guide said, We organize:
    land's shore knowledgeAnd have all in their turn been condemned by me."
    or he wa on knowledgent That moment-all ghastly, white-
    And he said, "As I've never They came on a corpse, and the guide said, She
    been here before, Has been doing it out of spite !
    I'll see that my time's well Then the black man went to a justice room,
    S spent: And heard with an inward thrill
    I'll know what they do with The great panacea is a gaol-cell gloom
    their monstrous wealth For being aged, and poor, and ill.
    "i J (I think that they're all doing Said he, I'll away from this glorious land,
    _' good by stealth, Whose money is lavished with plenteous hand
    And blushing to find it On bread and on beer and beef,
    fame)- To be all absorbed by a vampire band
    I'll take a look round. For And its Organised Relief."
    morality's health
    Should be Ch arit y's Ministerial.
    S greatest claim."m w MRs. PRALAMor having read that Sir Stafford Northcote arrived
    I This black man went to a at Balmoral as Minister in attendance on her Majesty" has come to
    S"union" spread, the conclusion that a very ordinary chap may make a very extra-
    And he watched the guar- ordinary chaplain. On'y to think of 'is representing' a religious sex
    dians feed in the 'Ouse, and pertending not to believe in them Bull gathering'
    Till their eyes grew dim and aterociousness among the Slave Serviants. I wish I only knowed
    their noses red where 'is church is, I'd go and give 'im a piece of my mind, 1 would!"
    (For their ways were the Worthy, but somewhat obtuse, old creature!
    ways of greed).
    Then they prated of good by their labour wrought, Ahaml
    And they made on the paupers a fierce onslaught HAN has arranged to erect a memorial to General Foy, of Restaura-
    (Poor creatures of skin and bones); tion renown, who was bred there. It will be sandwiched between the
    And a guardian said, They must soon be brought Town Hall and the Maire's residence, and all the inhabitants will be
    To break their own weight in stones." mustered to partake.

    F U N .-SEPTEMBER 13, 1876.

    r 'I ~
    iii 1~I N

    I I


    SEPT. 13, 1876.]


    THEY tell us all good men must find
    A foe or two about them-
    In fact, that men of any mind
    Could hardly do without them.
    I do not know that I am such,
    Or that my talent bright is,
    But I've two foes who tease me much-
    Rheumatics and Bronchitis.
    They dog my footsteps night and day,
    They walk the streets behind me;
    No.doors can keep the fiends at bay-
    Through keyholes they can find me.
    They seize my back and clutch my throat,
    Their grip "uncommon" tight is;
    To regions dark I daily vote
    Rheumatics and Bronchitis.
    I'm told if I their plans would foil,
    And never more behold them,
    Across the seas there is a soil
    That's much too warm to hold them.
    I only hope the tale is true,
    For southward now my flight is;
    I beg to bid you both adieu,
    Rheumatics and Bronchitis.

    Proud and Happy.
    LoRD BEACONSFIELD writes a letter to that hybrid
    monster, the Conservative Working Man, in which he
    says that, the working classes are content and happy,
    and proud of their country." His lordship's knowledge
    of home affairs is as complete as his acquaintance with
    what is going on abroad. The proud and happy work-
    ing man of England is a Conservative discovery which
    we hope will balance the result of Liberal research in
    Bury Likely.
    VISCOUNT BURY is chosen to follow the Right Hon.
    Benjamin Atrocities to the House of Lords. There is
    a strange coincidence in this. The Viscount does not
    lose his name, but will be Bury'd in the upper chamber.
    So will "the other one," out of the way of popular
    How TO SEE A JOKE.-Wear giggle lamps.

    HOME P "

    WEST-EcND tradesman advertises-" New patent boxing gloves
    always on hand." He must find them inconvenient at times, say
    when he washes himself. = Admiralty grants 100 for the Cork
    Sailors' Home. As Cork sailors are said to be only disabled on the
    bAttlefield, this amount is considered amply sufficient. = Well-
    ir.formed paper says, the Russian army may now be roughly esti-
    mated at two million men and a half." If they can get to within half
    a man in a rough estimate, they'd better not try and be smooth for
    fear of overdoing it. A quarter of a soldier too much would upset
    all their calculations. = Boers said to be getting the best of the Kafirs.
    Kafirs deny it, and disgusted newspaper correspondent and umpire,
    " who ought to know, you know," says such savages never do know
    when they've had enough. = Burglars break into a church, but find
    less than ten shillings in the poor boxes. And blooming poor boxes
    too," says one of the defrauded cracksmen in a letter full of virtuous
    indignation to the Times. = Head-master of Rugby presents a
    swimming-bath to his school. Ungrateful boy said the presenter's
    speech contained much too much bath-os" to please him. Irish
    labourer killed by an Irish bull near Derby. Singular instance of
    the irony of fate and the ingratitude of Irish bovines. = Gentleman
    named Howe celebrates his hundredth birthday in America. Howe
    extraordinary! All true Republicans feel themselves a hundred years
    old out there just now. = Glasgow widow found pouring vitriol over
    an ex-sweetheart. Only a Scotch joke, we fancy but our charwoman
    - and a very good woman, too, if a little slow-says she thinks it must
    have been because of the published and oft-avowed intention of the
    Glasgow bailies to put down adulteration."

    Direct from Thesp-hiss.
    DIscoNTENT by moans of sibillation ought really to be encouraged
    in our theatres. 'Twould be eminently hiss-try-on-ic.

    A GERMAN tailor who prosecuted a woman the other day at Bow-
    street for stealing was utterly unable to make himself understood in
    English. So Mr. Flowers spoke German to him. But," says the
    ingenuous Bow-street liner, "his German was, if anything, more incom-
    prehensible than his English." We commend to this enthusiastic
    reporter a certain obscure passage in an equally obscure play, where,
    for similar reasons not at all obscure, one Claude Melnotte finds fault
    with a gentleman's accent. Anyhow, the Flowers of magisterial
    eloquence, often so difficult to comprehend in English, must have
    seemed doubly astonishing in German. Carlyle says, Speech is
    silver." This must have been right down real German silver.

    D- lightful!
    WE accept in all humility, and with tears briny enough for the
    boiling of any number of indigenous shrimps and winkles, a rebuke
    from the great local journal of Sheerness-on-Sea. The souls of those
    who are making the most of their Sheerness-on-Season, are harrowed
    by an incautious and flippant remark, and the Sheerness Times, with
    native gallantry, not to say Kentish fire, has rushed to the rescue.
    Our correspondent said Sheerness was a delightfully dirty watering-
    place." He was wrong. It is nothing of the kind.

    Bring up a Child."
    A CHILD ought to ba properly balanced if he is to be placed in the
    weigh he should go. No half measures.

    WE are born into the world, and borne out of it. 'Tis a bourne,
    however, with a difference.


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