• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Index
 Fun
 January 1,1876
 January 5,1876
 January 12,1876
 January 19,1876
 January 26,1876
 February 2,1876
 February 9,1876
 February 16,1876
 February 23,1876
 March 1,1876
 March 8,1876
 March 15,1876
 March 22,1876
 March 29,1876
 April 5,1876
 April 12,1876
 April 19,1876
 April 26,1876
 May 3,1876
 May 10,1876
 May 17,1876
 May 24,1876
 May 31,1876
 June 7,1876
 June 14,1876
 June 21,1876
 June 28,1876
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00028
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00028
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    Index
        Index
    Fun
        Page 5
    January 1,1876
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    January 5,1876
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    January 12,1876
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    January 19,1876
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    January 26,1876
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    February 2,1876
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    February 9,1876
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
    February 16,1876
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
    February 23,1876
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    March 1,1876
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    March 8,1876
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
    March 15,1876
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
    March 22,1876
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
    March 29,1876
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
    April 5,1876
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
    April 12,1876
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
    April 19,1876
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
    April 26,1876
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
    May 3,1876
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
    May 10,1876
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
    May 17,1876
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
    May 24,1876
        Page 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
    May 31,1876
        Page 229
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
    June 7,1876
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
    June 14,1876
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
    June 21,1876
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
        Page 264
        Page 265
        Page 267
        Page 268
        Page 269
        Page 270
    June 28,1876
        Page 271
        Page 272
        Page 273
        Page 274
        Page 275
        Page 277
        Page 278
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text






































































1 7










I ,


'/

^ /


7.,,' ,


A


K


PUBLISHED (FOR


LONDON :

THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,

80, FLEET STREET, E.G.































T was the Regatta Season, and the'sun shone out gloriously upon a scene which would have made even the heart of a professed jester light,
had an Act not just been passed at the High Court of Momus precluding the possibility of such an untoward occurrence. For an experi-
mental philosopher had discovered that wit and humour were the outcome of misery and despair, and as even the anti-vivisectors admitted
the philosopher's right to apply his test to the vile body of a comic contributor, two or three humorists had been chloroformed and
dissected to show how exact the philosopher was in his arguments. And when the chloroform lost its power, and the bodies were sewn up, to
be witty and wise and funny and facetious no longer, and to have for the future no more brain power than falls by right to a frog or a mle,
the subjects" were provided for by Government. They were appointed to be Members of School and other Local Boards, to be Govern-
ment Inspectors of anything that ought to have Special Ability, to be Reviewers of Books, Leader-writers upoa Conservative newspapers,
Dramatic and Musical Critics, Adapters, and Censors of a State Stage; and otherwise provided for. Some of them came in time to be Great
Debaters, and were sent up to swell the dignity of the House of Lords, while one of them in particular was eventually Prime Minister. And
the absence of brains, or the presence of water upon what was left of them, became the finest recommendation possible for the most important
positions in the Kingdom.
As will be at once seen, the age was a peculiar age, and things were very very different from what they are now.
,
It was, as we have said, the Regatta Season, and the Great Centennial Oatrigged Race was justaboutto begin. All the Crowned Heals of
Europe, and wherever else crowned heads were fashionable, were present upon the river's bank, seated on gold thrones with diamond rudders
and patent silver-hilted sliding seats, and war was to be no more. Peace, happiness, and goodwill reigned supreme, coxswains were
abolished for ever, the Millennium was an accomplished fact, and the referee's decision was to be in all things final. Everything promised
admirably for the success of the new era.
But somehow or the other matters didn't go quite as smoothly as under such magnificent direction and careful co-operation should have
been the case. Everybody wanted to win-second-hand crews were continually elbowing their way into first-class company-gentlemen-
amateurs had to put up with the existence of amateur-gentlemen-the captain of the foretop proved his right to row stroke at the bow end,
and the man overboard would insist on smoking abaft the binnacle. All the prophets prophesied wrong for every race-quite a new state of
things you see !-and the Oxford and Cambridge men declined to compete unless they were allowed to train in the dark, and row under water
so as to avoid the desecration of the public gaze.
The Crowned Heads of Europe, and the rest of them, sat upon their golden thrones and began to discover that even under the most
favourable conditions it isn't altogether easy to satisfy everyone.
a *
Suddenly, from under the famous Henley Bridge,-from among the ruck of ironclads, randans, launches, tubs, old-fashioneds, latest-
improveds, Claspers, and raspers-there darts, paddling his own canoe, a figure whose very appearance gives comfort and consolation to the
Crowned Heads, who had just begun to cry all over their gold thrones and to refuse the bread-and-jam handed round in the interval between
each race. Why do they dry their tears and begin to laugh and chuckle-and, heedless of self, to offer the new-comer a throne and a supply
of jam-sandwich ? Why does everything go smooth now-and why do Peace and Plenty settle down upon the Lawn and the river and the
roweis ? Why does the captain of the foretop become content, and why is the man overboard submissive ? Why ? Because the new arrival
is the most mighty Magician of the Period, and brings with him a supply of power which no one in the world is proof against-the Power of
Wit and Humour. And All the World, who is having his day out, smiles and is satisfied as the Great Necromancer hands forth

UFe t btutg-ftirh ume oVf fD' garu tries of Lun.














"5 ,t itt K

1,


AJAX the Adapter. 22
Artless Servant Maid (The), 36
Absurd Story (An), 95
Art of Being Surprised (The), 104
Anecdotes of Great Men, 127, 137
Admirable Elephant (The), 138
Anything but Wealthy, 209
Among the Savages, 215
Art-Noses for the Derby, 229
Awe-Striking Episode (An), 269
Advanced Science, 271
BINARY Sonnet (A), 97
Bee-Attitude, 103
Bold Sailor Boy (The), 145
Baffled Satirist (The), 191
CONVERSATIONS for the Times, 7, 26, 53,
108, 129, 185
Cogent Reasons, 41
Chucking Her Out, 42
Crabbed," 43
Current Correspondence, 68
Civil Servica, 161
Caught on the Hop, 181
Conversations Overheard at the Royal
Academy, 197
Civic Consideration, 211
tDIALOGUE during a Recent Frost, 21
Domestic Servant Diffieulty (The), 23
Demetrius O'Desmond, 56
Do We Change Here 1" 57
Dismal Swamp (A). F5
Detective's Story (The) 87
Dead Broke: A Drama of the Day, 242
Discovery (A), 277
Dots and Lines, 5, 17, 25, 37, 45. 61, 66,
80, 93, 97, 113, 117, 133, 143, 147, 16Os,
175,179, 195,199, 511, 219, 241, 28, 270,
273
ENTIRELY from Conviction, 88
Embarrassment, 93
Elementary Ambition (An), 139
Epsom Derby (The), and How it Became
so, 237
Eastern Question (The), 263
FANCY Ball (The), 35
Fleet Ditch (The), 98
Flavour Snooks, 128
From Bad to Worse, 226
Foreign Seamen and British Ships, 267
Fickle One (A)," 271
GENTLEMEN Mechanics, 23
Great Collision Stakes (The), 62
Golden Silence (The), 123
Great Majority (The), 139
Great Demonstration (The), 16 6
I Ghastly Revelation (A), 277
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 16, 35,
79, 105, 161, 186, 217
House; or, (The), 47
Hydrostatic Van (The), 85
Hero Worship, 195

TN the Wrong Sphere, 125
Imperial Progress (An), 129
Imperial Proclamation, 200
KARL Kolenzo, 17
LEGACY (A), 5
Leaves from My Indian Diary, 12
Little Peculiar (A), 51
Lincoln and Liverpool, 135
Latest News! Royal Titles Bill: : .
Popular Excitement! I 160
London Holiday-Makers' Guide, 225
\focaR Augspurious Anticipations, 43
Matter-of-Fact," 116
,Man of Letters (A), 148
Misplacld Ambition, 167
My Til, 201


Mad Dogs and Magistrates, 247
More Police Intelligence, 251
" My Astor Friend," 26A
NEW Leaves, 99, 144, 189, 373
New Dulcamara: A Dream, 170
Nursery Rhymes for Now-a-day Times,
202
New Poet (The), 272
OLD Year's Warning (The), 8
On Redistribution of Property, 77
Our Own Flonenr, 94
Our Water Supply, 187
Out-Door Relief: A Tragic Burlesque,
253
PRACTICAL Acquaintance, 23
Prince Ta Ra La (The), 34
Paper-knife and Pen, 4'
Plea for the Poor (A), 64
Practical Valentine (A), 67
"Perkins' Pamphlet," 103
Posthumous Fame, 133
Police Intelligence, 150
Plain Cook (A), 167
Prince at Portsmouth (The), 210
Perilous Progress (A), 262
QUITE Determined, 250
ROAD to Wealth' (The), 6
Reginald, 21
Road to Affluence (The), 125
Reflected Glory, 127
River (The): A Tale of Hero Worship,
165
Real Native Talent, 180
Random Ride (A). 243
Royal Academy Exhibition (The), 190,
207, 221, 249
SPORTING Events in Seventy-Five, 27
Supreme Court of Caricature, 62
Social Problem (A), 96
Seasonable Speculation, 115
Strange Animal (A), 118
Solitary Isle (The), 171
Scientific Discovery (A). 187
Seventy-Eight Millions, 227
Straight Tip (The), 231
Sporting Prophet The), 232
Strange Dreams, 243
Some Magazines for January, 22
Sime Magazines for February. 83
Some Magazines for March, 124
Some Magazines for April, 169
Some Magazines for May, 227
Some Magazines for June, 259
Striking Story (A), 262
Stagnant Shop (The), 274
TRUE Charity, 31
Thady O'Grady; or, "Misunderstood,"
41
Triple Alliance (A), 51
Tommy and Harry, 95
Terrible Temptation (A), 155
Thimble's Easter Holiday, 177
Train of Ideas (A), 97
Turkish Revolution (The), 257
Throat (A), 269
Too Much of It, 272
UNFOUNDED Rumours, 65, 100, 123, 172,
193, 247
Unmoved One (The), 73
Unbiassed Deputation (The), 78
VERY Like a Wail, 99
Vanguard (The), 109

Very Consoling, 135
Vow of the Abstainers (The), 268
WAITING, 158
Wealth of Nations (The)," 252


ENGRAVINGS.

P.T of Cokvineing (The), 15
Arch Arherry, 25,
About "An Ugly One," 74
And Grander Too 1 93
"Arms and the Man," 2'8
" And Great was the Fall Thereof," 258
BLOW it! 42
By-Sex-Style 1 86
Bees Casting a Sp-lt, 103
British Barmaid (The) 140
Boat Race Idiots: A Prophecy, 157
Breaking it Gently, 172
Black Joke-in Ireland (A), 189
" Black Work," 260
British Workman, (8), 28; (9), 38 ; (10),
52; (11), 162
British Tradesman (1), 90:; (2), 110; (3),
120; (4), 134; (5), 176
CUPID'S Weapons, 76
Coalition, 87
Creditable View (A), 166
Correct Card (The), 175
Cat Out (The), 219
Contrast (A), 231
DEMON Skater (The); or, All Legs and
Wings. 12
Divided Duty (A), 34
Distinctly Different, 124
Dry Rail-ery. 196
Degrees of Rank, 276
Derby Dream (A), 238
EPISODES in the Lives of Obscure Indi-
viduals.-Mr. Shye, 84
End and Means (Thel, 168
Easter Festivities -By Our Sightseer,
182
Efficient Hand (An), 278
FULL of Aitches," 31
Following Fashion, 32
Fun's Fancy, 61
Fruitful fIDquiry (A), 94
Full Many a Random Shot- ," 106
For Wheel or Woe, 113
Famous Fragment (A), 116
Fictitious Fancy (A), 149
F ri-Irony. 158
Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic; or Clear
and Comprehensive Tip Typical, 239
Free Trade and Protection as Well, 257
GREAT Overflow of Affection (The), 83
Giving "An Heiry Nothing," 186
HEIGHO the Wind and the Rain," 44
Hearsay Evidence, 96
Hansom is as Hansom Does," 126
IGNORANCE not Bliss, 159
In the City Again :-The Sharp Lad out
of Employment, 248
KEEPING HPr Hond In," 8
Knocking Him Dizzy, 208
LEX Talionis (Lickerish LTw), 58
Little "Put Out" (A). 97
Laudator Temporis Acti, 100
Labour's Wrongs, 156
Little Knowledge (A), 261
MISSINo His Mark, 3i
Mre Hibernico," 48
Matri-money, 62
Much Misstaken, 107
Music Hath Charms," 193
"Making a Sharp Lad of Him."-As
it'W Done in the City, 216
NOvHE Application, 127
None So Daft-, 198
Noisome Attack (A), 240
No Compulsion, 267


" 0 NAm not the Word I 11
Our Ball-Room Guide, 13
On Neckties, 65
"'0 my Prophetic Soul! 114
On the Altar of Friendship, 123
Our Mercantile Marine, 254
PLAIN-TIVE, 67
Pocket Tragedy (A), 143
Pro-to-Martyrs, 141
Pas Soul, 146
Painting the Lily, 169
Potts (Mr.) at the Derby, 231
" Proffered Service--," 274
QUESTIONABLE Success (A), 205
" Quick" Wit! 209
REVERSING the Order, 179
REther a Roundabout Way, 195
R.A.A.'L High Art, 202
Rum Customer (A), 2C6
Recollections of the Royal Academy,
(1), 192; (2), 212; (3), 264
SouD, but not the Sense (The)," 14
Standing Toast," 45
Seasonable Offerings, 65
Skater's Valentine (The), 66
Spelling B-eauty (A), 77
Slavey's Writes, 117
Softness of Youth (The), 130
Sheep in the Fold, 178
Superior London Lore, 218
Settling Down: A New Notion, 261
TROP de Z6le Again, 22
Pono Matter-of-Fact, 41
"Taking" Notion (A), 64
True Blue, if Too Blue, 147
Test of Merit (A), 271
" VAULTING Ambition," 24
Valentine's Day, from the Ladies' Point
of View, 75
Very Light Blue, 148
Very Jocose Jocosity, 270
" WUEN Gentlemen Meet--," 18
Westmonastprian Wonderment, 51
Woman's "Way," 80
Ways and Means, 136
" Way We Live Now (The)." A Dress
Rehearsal, 108
Worme that Turned (The), 221
Write Me Down an Ass," 241
Worsted, 250


CARTOONS.
ARMtING for the Fray, 39
Army of the Future (The), 81
Ajax Apologetic,. 91
Another Turn of the Screw, 163
At Home and Abroad. 215
BIoRD of Passage (A), 121t
Battered Bauble (A), 173
CAUGHT in the Act. 49
Cupid's Rink-" The Outside Edge," 71
DANGEROUS Waters, 153
Dr'f Horse yet iu the Distance (A),
235
T. ..0ea..., .. iormonce (A), 265
i L bI l (The), 29
('ia1 Coneervative "Rogue" Elephant,
('he), 193
lARLEQUIN Seventy-Six, 9
InE Ye:ar's Gifts, 19
New Alchemy (The). 275
POLITICAL Aunt Sally (The), 59
Political Spell (A), 130
Playine with Edged Tools, 141
ROLLICKING Rams: A Recent Encounter,
111
Return of the Wanderer (The), 203
SETTLING the Ques'ion, 183
"TRYING It On," 101
Threatened Storm (The), 2 5
VERY Old Bird (A). 213
Very Woman (A), 223




































A LEGACY.
HEN an old year has gone and a new one is born to us
Fiction informs us again we are free;
That with a clean slate there is come a new morn to us-
Gone are the days that were sorrow and scorn to us-
Peace is supreme now, and ever will be!
The old year's gone forth; all its evil is sent with it
Into the void of the mystic to dwell;
Long there to rest, and all sorrows that went with it
Ne'er shall return, for their hold became spent with it:
Chimes of the Christmas to them were a knell.
Thus we are told, till we half make belief of it,
Half think our troubles are fled to the winds :
Chide the departing, remember the grief of it,
Blindly forgetting the good that was chief of it,
Welcome the coming with selfishest minds.
The lesson is wrong, as are those who have thought to teach
More than they knew or they ever will know;
But people will try though they've far less than nought to teach;-
Those who know most can quite rarely be brought to teach,
Else we might soon hope for surcease of woe.
Alas! for a year that has gone all too speedily-
Passed ere good words could be turned into facts-
Swallowed by one who devours all greedily.
Plans still remain; but, ah! hungrily, needily,
Look we for what should have been the good acts!
This is the lesson we'd wish to impart to all:
Time passes on 'mid our troubles and pains.
The New Year may seem to supply a good start to all.
May it be so Still let's say with true heart to all,
Time passes by, but the evil remains!


"An Ounce of Practice-."
THE Royal Commission on Vivisection met a few days back and did
some talking. Singularly enough, what should have been the real
object of such a meeting never struck anyone present, which is, per-
haps, as well. It is hard to say what might have been the result if
any conscientious member had had whispered to him, d la Stokes, Fiat
experimentum in corpore- ." The moot point is, would he have
hari-karied, or otherwise. Such a commission should certainly
refrain from omission. Before they begin perhaps they'll issue tickets.
We'll pay our twopence willingly.

A TIGHT LITTLE ISLAND.-Great Britain at Christmas.


DOTS AND LINES.
JUSTICE of the Peace thrown while hunting. This occurred in Trip
Park. Under other circumstances a magistrate would have been sure
to keep his seat. = Cardinal Manning objects to general Christmas
indulgences. Recommends his own instead. = Girl at Chester
charged with perjury, she having sworn that her master, a clergyman,
got drunk once. Jury discharged her, probably on account of her
moderation. Some servants would never have stopped at once."
Real name of the Bremerhaven assassin discovered. Great and
immediate consolation to sufferers and friends of the slain. = Lady
passes her examination, and is admitted a member of the Pharmaceu-
tical Society. A branch of it is shortly to be called the Chemistresses'
Association, where drugs and dressmaking will be taught in turns,
and puddings be alternated with prescriptions. = Magnate of the
North presented with an illuminated address. Will he put it on his
cards or his doorplate ? We pause for illumination on the subject. =
Threatened publication of a new review to be entitled Mind. But it
won't Matter. = Gale in America unearths a hoard of bank-notes
from under some board palings-a real hoarding, in fact. More so
than the story, we should think. = Match for the championship at
billiards. The success of the new tables now being undoubted, the good
example will be followed, and running matches be decided in the
Serpentine, trotting matches in a 24 ft. ring, and so on-when for the
championship. = Reception of Lord Mayor M'Swiney by the Pope.
His Holiness always shows great politeness to our prominent noblemen
and distinguished political leaders.

Trying It On.
A GOOD specimen of political dodgery was shown in the publi-
cation the other day of a circular said to have been issued by the
Gladstone Administration in 1871 directing the surrender of fugitive
slaves. Even a Tory, provided he was a decent man as well, must
feel disgusted at this mean attempt to put the sins of one party on
the shoulders of the other-more particularly as a strong denial has
been given, and no one believed it even before it was contradicted.
Otherwise of course it would have been a splendid Party move-
ment."

A Reasonable Plea.
A MoRMoN has just been sentenced to two years' imprisonment by
the Federal Court of Utah for polygamy. This is news. We always
thought that the more married a man was out there the more respect-
able he became. Perhaps, however, this sentence was passed at his
own request; if so, we have a heart that can feel for another under the
circumstances, and without the extra inducement. Legally, we should
have thought that at the worst the practices at Salt Lake were less
than criminal-they are merely Mormonomaniac.

A Novelty.
HOSPITAL Day is next year to be held on the 18th of June. In the
interests of the charity this observance represents we beg to propose
a paradox, which is that Hospital Saturday be fixed for the same oc-
casion, and for once be tried on a Sunday. The greater would in this
case be very sure to absorb the less, and charity and mathematics be
for once both mixed and vindicated together. One trial only
requested."


TOL. XXIII.










6 FU N [(JANuAuY 1, 1876.


PUf 0 JFIC.G, JWewday, .Dec. 29, 187,.
[CAroox.])
A DELICATE QUESTION.
'Tzs not because the stage is spread-
With things of commonest condition
That Fancy must remain unwed
And ever under false suspicion.
'Tis not because the streets abound
With alcoholic sustentation
That we may not our foes astound
By pantomimic proclamation!
Thus sound o'er sense persistent climbs,
And Jabber on all Judgment capers:
Our punishment has come betimes
For looking at the Tory papers.
We only skimmed the leaders through
With hope to glean some ray of reason,
And now we don't know what to do
To keep our notions to the season.
*
Well, this is what we mean to say-
No more we'll try our readers' kindness-
St. Stephen's soon will start its play,
And run its course of Tory blindness;-
Its course of downing quips and cranks
And pantaloonish adaptation.
Why comes relief not from these pranks ?
Will none come forth and lead the nation ?
-o-
THE concluding events of the wretched Wainwright mystery" are
indeed saddening to all men of fairly balanced minds, who cannot but
regret the manner in which capital punishment has, in more senses than
one, been made to realise its title. The unfortunate convict, having been
found guilty and cast for death, might surely have been allowed to
work out his salvation in peace. The time so shortened by man, who
rashly takes away that life which only the highest Power can bestow,
might have been left this sinner in order that he might make his peace
with Him whose teaching has ever shown how justice may be tempered
with mercy, and no man suffer. But no; even the last hours of the
condemned were disturbed-how brutally who can say !-by an
effusion which it would be hopeless to attempt fairly to characterise.
But passing over the flippant disrespectof, and assumed familiaritywith,
sacred objects, as matters too unpleasant for analysis, what can prove
the utter degradation and abasement of crime more signally than the
receipt of such a letter as that which Wainwright received a couple of
mornings before his execution People who echo the cant of the day
as to the deterrent effect of hanging, should pause and think how many
men would care less for the death than for the degradation of being made
the object of such a missive. And therein lies the lesson for which
our teachers have so long been seeking in vain. Let the masses once
know how utterly debased a convicted murderer becomes, and the real
deterrent stands confessed and palpable. Given this result we can be
thankful for even Stokes and his congeners. Of some other phases of
the same drama we should wish to say nothing; but it is hard to think
how small a chance morality possesses when those who are the first to
preach it under circumstances which affect not their own pockets, give
way to the first possible temptation themselves. Where are there to
be found promoters of gutter literature worse than those publishers
who rushed out special editions on the morning of the execution
with an indecency equalled only by the untruth of their accompanying
placards ? It is indeed a satire on our civilisation, that those journals
which are the first to teach how wrong is greed of gain are ever
foremost in the race for the honest penny which "enterprise" may
always find attending on crime and accompanying disaster. We
wonder, at this season of the year particularly, whether money earned
thus brings peace, happiness, and the proverbial good will.

The Brompton Cole-box.
IN consequence of recent revelations, the old saying, It's like
carrying coals to Newcastle," will be discontinued at an early date,
and the proverb, "It's like sending Coles to South Kensington will
be used in its stead.

Hooky Walker.
MR. DISRAtLI has, it is rumoured, given Mr. Ward Hunt a beauti-
fully bound volume of Theodore Hook's works. The fly-leaf bears
the inscription, Dear Hunt, take your Hook."

FRIENDS IN COUNCIL."-A Quakers' Meeting.


THE ROAD TO WEAMLT,
In the heyday of his youth, Charles Jenldns was a blighted,
miserable man. Blessed with a small income, a prolific wife, and a
quiverful that.made him tremble when he thought of it, he found the
enormous salary of a railway pointsman insufficient for his daily
.needs. Many a time when he was turning the up express onr the
wrong line and letting a goods train try conclusions -wth a limited
mai4 he would ponder on the means by which he could better himself
and his family. After due deliberation he determined that to-better
his family he must sacrifice himself; and having a noble hear of his
own beneath the company's fustian waistooat he- made up his mind
tod &so.
"Mrs. Jenkin," said he to his: wife one evening, when, (in conse-
quence of four separate collisions blocking hiu particular set of rails)
he had half-an-hour at home, "Mrs. Jenkins, would you like to have
decent clothes on your back, and to feel warm, and to see the kids
putting wholesome food into their stomachs? "
Wouldn't I just, Charles! But there, what's the good o' talking
on it? That ain't never likely to happen."'
We shall see, Mrs. Jenkins," said Charles; and he went out and
lived a sober and virtuous life. He loved his neighbour, did hi&duty
in every station of life he got into, and toiled till the sweat ran off
his brow and the skin bade his fingers good-day; and at the end of
three months he was down with a fever, and his wife and children
were naked and starving. No hand was stretched to aid them. The
world passed by on the other side and stared in an opposite direction.
Out in the pitiless winter weather, a carcass of a man dragged him-
self about, his limbs still palsied by the fever's blow, his scanty blood
still boiling with its heat. The carcass managed to earn a few
coppers and crawl home with them to his gaunt and ravenous belong-
ings. But nobody helped him, nobody pitied him; he was only one of
a thousand others, intended by nature to form a contrast to the sleek
and wealthy.
When the stomach's empty the head's often full; and the carcass
upon mature consideration began to consider that he was fishing for
decent clothes and good food with the wrong bait. So he left off
being a carcass, got rid of the fever, and plunged, with a little capital
acquired with considerable sleight of hand, ito the depths of crime
and dissipation.
Then things began to change, and he got ambitious. While he stuck
to ordinary thieving and swindling there was always a chance of his
career being interrupted by the officious interference of the law, and
thus his beloved. ones would be penniless and unprotected. A
recently acquired taste for information had flung him much into the
society of the Penny Press, and an example of how to provide for
your relations presented itself quickly to his perception.
He confided his plans to Mrs. Jenkins, who declared he was the
best of husbands, and then set out, knife in hand, to commit fourteen
of the most frigidly sanguinated murders the annals of horror
contain. Mr. Jenkins had barely time to wipe his knife and be
arrested, when subscriptions began to flow in from all quarters for
his wife and children. Private detectives were employed to hunt up
his distant relations and hand them five-pound notes. The morning of
his execution the devoted Charles had the pleasure of hearing that
his widow would have twenty thousand invested in Consols ; that his
boys would be sent to Eton and his girls adopted by the Queen. And
he told the clergyman he was glad he hadn't died an innocent honest
man, or his wife and children would have been in the workhouse.
If you want to get sympathy be a cold-blooded villain," he went
on to say; but a sudden change in his necktie interrupted him, and
the matter dropt.


Doos-Berkele
Horses-Any
Cows-The lo0
Deer-Buckinj
Hares-Fleet-i
Sheep-Lambe
Lambs-Sheep
Mice-Cateatei


NEW ANIMAL DIRECTORY.
y-square. Cats-The various Mews.
neighbourhood. Bloodhounds-Kensington Gore.
w quarters. Donkeys-Jerusalem Passage.
gham-gate. Rats-Norwood.
street. Bulls and Bears-Stock Exchange.
th. Rabbits-The Borough.
side. Moles-" The Underground."
a-street. Tigers-Crouch End.


Be firman fear not."
THE Sultan of Turkey has issued a firman, ordering the execution
of various much-needed reforms. If the Father of the Faithful is in
earnest he should double the "m" in his document, and put the result
at the head of affairs.
WHY is catching a man setting fire to his house like a box of deadly
poison ?-Because it's a case of arson-nick.

THE FINEST THING To SHARPEN THE WITS.-A File (of Fun).









JANUARY 1, 1876.]


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES


AT THE RINK.
Emtry. Doesn't Mr. Bouncer put on his skates gracefully F He has
volunteered to teach me-isn't it kind ? He says he can skate beauti-
fully. There he goes-look !
EurPHrOSYNE. Isn'the clever? He sends his feet-aH kinds of different
ways. He is clutching at people to :save -them irom falling! Now he
is pretending to tumbled own'backwards. Look! he has tumbled down
forwards. His nose is bleeding!!
EMILY. He says he did it on purpose. They always do that way in
Canada: and he says nobody could keep up on theskates he has-they
are too small.
EUrPHOSYNE. He has changed his skates. How his left foot runs
away from him. How is that ?
EMILY. He says the iron in his left skate causes it to travel towards
the pole. He is very scientific and clever. Isn't it naughty of his.
left skate to keep going on so ?-the other oRe is very docile.
EUPHROSYNE. There is a heap of people on top of him-they must
be very heavy. Let us pull him out.
EMILY. He says he did it on purpose to save them from falling on
the hard rink-isn't he good-natured ? He says it is impossible to
avoid falling in his present skates-they are too big.
EUPHROSYNE. I'm glad he has another pair now. Why, the right
one has gone mad now; it will get round that post, and he can't catch
it. Aren't his legs long ? A Bishop has tripped over one, and a stout
old lady over the other.
EMILY. How fast he goes now! he cannot decide which way to
turn, when he gets to the end of the room; sometimes he turns one
way with each leg. He says you should lean over-so, when you want
to turn.
EUPHrosYNE. He has leant ever very much-too much. How his
head rattles!
EMILY. He says a saint would capsize in those skates-the wheels
go round too easily. There, he is off again-doesn't he spin along ?
His feet are leaving his head behind. One leg has got round a
post !-No, he has caught it again! He is going faster and faster.
People are chasing him round the rink. They say such great velocity
is dangerous. He has pulled off an old gentleman's wig. His wheels
are catching fire. See! one of his feet has turned round to look for
something he has left behind; he cannot persuade it to come back; he
is revolving on his own axis! Isn't it fun ? His skull must be very
hard-I heard it right over here. They have taken his skates off.
He says he is going to the doctor's in a cab to call for a friend. Isn't
he nice ?

The following are a couple of short songs to be used on the occur-
rence of Rink collisions. They might be of much benefit if learned
by people who never know what to say on the spur of the moment.
No. I is a duet for two polite persons colliding:-
No. 1.-" I REALLY BEG YOUR PARDON!"
BBOWN. I really beg-good gracious me;
JONES. It's all my fault, confound it !
BorT. It's that disgusting post, you see;
We both were coming round it.


BROWN. I'm truly grieved, upon my word!
No wonder folks are sneering !
JONEs. My carelessness is quite absimd-
It's my atrocious steering.
BoTH. Good skaters, as you must agree,
It's scandalously hard on
To have confounded dolts likeame-
I really beg your pardon!
'BEowN. Am I, and other fools, to fall
'On decent folks, andmnmsgle ?
Josas. Oh, pray don't mentionit, at ad-
Suppose we disentangle ?
BROWN. Am I (who never rinked before),
With my unheard-of guiding-
A clumsy, straggly, awkward bore-
To go about colliding ?
BOTH. I ought to have-insensate dunse .-
A coat of feathers tarredon ;
Or else be guillotined at once;-
I really beg your pardon!
No 2 is a solo for a rude person:-
Xo.. 2.-"WHERE ARE TE, *JoLLY WELL DRITv' Now?"
Bother yer dlunmsiness-there yergo I!
Where are yer peepers want's in yer 'ead?
Shovin' me oer-I'told yer soi!
Hadn't yer'batter go 'ome to ed ?
Kickin' about Do yer want a row ?
Where are yer jolly well driving' now P
And so on.

Easily Surprised.
BARON BRAMWELL has been lifting his judicial eyes to heaven and
breathing forth pious platitudes because a believer in witchcraft has
been found in South Warwickshire. Does his Baronship know that
in this favoured land of ours there exist members of Parliament
who believe in Arthur Orton, critics who believe in Wills's History
of England, poets who believe in Walt Whitman, Liberals who believe
in Lord Hartington, soldiers who believe in the Commander-in-Chief,
sailors who believe in Admiral Tarleton, judges who believe in the
floating Juggernauts of Royalty, and actually some benighted in-
dividuals who believe in Baron Bramwell! This is a believing age,
Baron.

A Popular Delusion.
IN the case of Waddling v. Oliphant, Mr. Justice Archibald has
laid it down that What would be sufficient for the maintenance of a
day labourer would not be sufficient for the maintenance of a literary
man." This will startle society. It is a generally accepted idea that
literary men, especially journalists, exist on cold scraps from the
Mansion House, and stray drinks stood by tradesmen in search of
publicity.

Fine-ite.
THE officers of the School Board are perpetually having poor people
mulct in large sums for not sending their offspring to school. Bene-
volent beings! they would give the parents a "fine education, and
the children a sound one. Sound is the word.

Most Worshipful.
WE note that Chance presides in the flesh at one of our metropolitan
police-courts. He manages, besides this, to be present in spirit at them
all-and in 'the City to boot.

Elementary.
THE Conservative policy is a shifty one. The Tories got into
power by beer, and they're trying to keep there by water.

A LucKY BET.-Miss Elizabeth Thompson.


FUN.








SFUN. [JANUARY 1, 1876.






ir~ffB1^9 11 H b^ h


KEEPING HER HAND IN.
Elder Sister:-" DON'T BE SO LACKADAISICAL, KATE; IT'S NO GOOD MOPING ABOUT ONE WHO DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU !"
Kate:-" WHY NOT? AT ALL EVENTS IT WON'T HURT TILL I FIND ONE WHO DOES.


THE OLD Y EAR'S WARNING. The scene is changed : the youth beholds the City's golden halls,
Where Speculation's evil eye the heart of man enthrals.
THE midnight chimes had died away, borne onward into space, Upon the carnage-sodden floors the bloated vampires stand,
The bells rang forth to welcome in another year of grace. Who suck within their greedy maws the life-blood of the land.
The Old Year's limbs were still at last, he'd laid his burden down; Half dead with fright the boy Sinks back, and crouches on his throne,
The son leapt lightly on the throne and donned his father's crown. As hissing comes a venomed beast, the deadly Foreign Loan.
Grim sexton Time had pressed the turf above the monarch's breast, No more !" he cries; 0 Father mine, in mercy spare your child;
But years, like men, have ghosts, you know, which cannot always rest; Say shall with monsters like to these my kingdom be defiled ?
And scarce had youthful Seventy-six the regal robes essayed, I see a church whose pillars brawl-an army led by men
When borne upon the midnight air he saw his father's shade. Who drag their cloth through Courts of Law, through pot-house hell
" Fear not, my son," the phantom cried, the sceptre still retain; and den.
I did not leave my cosy grave to claim its cares again: I see a Bench where Judges sit who pander to the great;
But ere my ghost is laid I would to your young eyes reveal A Senate where mere party pique outweighs the needs of State."
The sort of things with which a Year is called upon to deal." My son, you merely see the sights," the ghost exclaims with tears,
Three circles drew the spectre then, and stamped upon the ground, "Which made thy father's name accursed among the vanished years.
And bade the youth give eye and ear to every sight and sound. Go, sweep and garnish all thy realm, and may thine actions shrive
At once a placid sea was shown, o'er which a steamer flew The sins which lie upon the soul of wretched Seventy-five.


And played a fearful German game called Cutting yachts in two."
The sea grew rough, a fog came down, a squadron then appeared :
A Champagne Bottle held command, a sleepy stripling steered.
A crash! and half a million pounds had sunk beneath the foam:
The Bottle laughed and sailed away-he'd potent friends at home."
The waves are gone, and in the their place some Courts of Justice stand.
A Bramwell truckles to the Crown, a swell Brett dares not brand;
A Scotch defaulter shows his teeth, the Judges shut their eyes,
Policemen wink, the Scotchman bolts-then all express surprise.
Now scarlet tunics quick succeed the gloomy view of law,
And give, at Seventy-five's command, their screaming farce, "The
Draw."
A colonel tweaks his ensign's nose, a major cheats at play,
A timid Highness hides his head and looks the other way.


In the Key of Sea.
IT is rumoured that the Duke of Edinburgh will take the command
of an ironclad early in the spring. We knew that H.R.H. was a
patron of the Royal Academy of Music, but we were not aware that
his devotion to it would induce him to run the risk of being R.A.M.'d
to death.
The Same, only Different.
LORD DERBY, speaking at Edinburgh recently, remarked,-"A
Conservative policy, as it seems to me, tells its own story." We cor-
dially agree with his lordship, and we go still further. Conservative
ministers, as it seems to us, do their own fibbing.

SURPLiCE POPULATION.-Clergymen.






U U N .-JANUARY 1, 1876.


@pp A !1'
g.11


HARLEQUIN SEVENTY-SIX.
Master Fan:-I HOPE THIS WILL BE A GOOD ONE-LAST YEAR'S WAS AWFULLY DISAPPOINTING.


l! ; ,., ii


71









JANUARY 1, 1876.1


]FUNI.


DUNBROWNING: "THE NEW POEM."
By OUR INNALBUMENIZED REVIEWER.
HERE'S the new poem: a regular prize it is,
Done by my favourite poet and all !
Look what a sweet little, neat little size it is;
Lovely and green, and octavo, and small.
When it was advertised, sudden desire for it
Caused me to purchase the book in a trice;
Seven whole shillings are what they require for it-
Isn't it sweet, and expensive, and nice ?
All about Albums" and Inns" is the plot of it;
Thus much the title has guided me to.
Truly that's all I can make of the lot of it,
Though I have read it most carefully through.
Though, with stupidity quite indefensible,
Right through the poem I've journeyed me twice,
Still it is utterly incomprehensible-
Still it's a mystery! Isn't it nice ?
Here, it's all dashes-conjunction-less jerkiness-
Phrases-no heads to 'em-not to be solved-
Here, I discover in foggiest murkiness
Dozens of sentences wildly involved!
So many pages with such ingenuity
Carefully muddled, are cheap at the price.
Finding the sense of it's mere superfluity-
Shelve it and gaze at it-isn't it nice ?

Per Procuration.
A MAN has pleaded guilty to the charge of signing
the names of several well-known actors to cheques for
large amounts. He should have pleaded that he signed
them per pro." No one could have disputed the truth
of his statement.

The Thrown of India.
THE Prince of Wales has been thrown out of his
carriage and has fallen off his horse;. Rumours are
afloat that more money is wanted for the tour, and
evidently his Royal Highness has not much of a balance
left.
A HEAVY MEMOERY.-That of Christmas.


"0 NAME NOT THE WORD "
Shopman to Stoekjobbing Customer :-" FINE DAY TO-DAY, smI; WANT A XIBo
T--. H'M, BEG PARDON, SIR-SHOULD SAY A CHRISTMAS INDISPENSABLE ? "


WOMEN.
WOMmN now plunge into politics heedlessly-
Scorned are mere old-fashioned feminine things ;
Life's stormy waves they now buffet quite needlessly,
Floating on windbags and thinking them wings !
Wretched were we if our wives were new-fangled ones,
Always on platforms and public affairs!
Bad as if savage (Black, nose-ringed and Bangled) ones,
Adding a horror to life and its cares !
Caring for candidates' party affinities
More than for conjugal union of souls;
Hating to be honoured household divinities-
Running away from their needles to polls !"
May we be able to un-wed the wives of us
Should they go on in these terrible ways!
May some be left to make happy the lives of us,
Even amidst these degenerate days !

Not the One He Wanted.
HOPEFUL, looking over a newspaper for about the first time in his
life, suddenly turns round to his father and says, What is a money
market, pa ?" Pa seems unable to answer the question for full three-
quarters of a minute by Benson, and then replies, with a sigh, A
place, my son, where you buy money-and experience, both at a high
price." We think we know what this gentleman has been about
during the year 1875. He's evidently been speculating for the fall
- and getting it. People seem to grow very ungrateful nowadays.

Involved.
A DAILY paper says that the capital sentence passed upon Edward
Phillips at the Liverpool Assizes, for the murder of his wife, has been
respited." The constructor of such a capital sentence as this might
fairly in turn get himself hanged.


"THAT BRE HANGED"
AT a recent." spelling bee held in Lambeth, a lad waputout of
the competition for spelling a word properly. The -reason given was
because the authority selected was Walker. It seems there is rather
too much" Walker" aboutthese little social gatherings. Until the spell
is removed from our dictionaries, and one authority alone is acknow-
ledged, spellers are likely to find these arrangements more satisfying
to interrogators and chairmen than to themselves, and more likely te
gratify small ambitions than to aid the cause of learning. One change,
however, may be expected through them. Spelter will, under the
new conditions, wrest from brass the proud position it has hitherto
held among those who are ever ready to teach where they are most
qualified to learn. Why not put a chairman through his facings in
one of these hives--pour encourager les autres ?

An American Balance.
THn New York Times calls the proprietors of the Daily Graphic
"blackmailers and villains." We don't know that they are as bad as
that, but when they "annex" illustrations from the pages of Fun
they might go through the form of acknowledgment. The process
is cheap, which somewhat counterbalances the disadvantage of its
being respectable.

Who, Indeed I
A FmIEND of ours has just had a son and heir presented to him, and
is in great trouble as to his sponsorial appellation. The original
intention was to call him William, but the unfortunate father has put
.a cheque (crossed) on that. He says he should never think of the
boy except as Christmas Bill-" and who could love him then!"

A Home Question.
WE know a lady who is exceedingly disliked by her servants, but
as she is seldom at home she cannot be so much domestic-hated after
all, eh P


11









12 F N. [JANUARY 1, 1876.

THE DEMON SKATER; OR, ALL LEGS AND WINGS.
A RECOLLECTION OF THE RINK.



~ II 'I


THE BROAD GA1 GE.


U


THE LEVEL CROSSING.


THE SEVEN-LEAGUED SKATES.


LEAVES FROM MY INDIAN DIARY.
(PARAPHRASED, WITHOUT PERMISSION, FROM TIMES TELEGRAM3)
BUBBLEPORE, Jan. I.
IT took us a long time to make and stuff that indiarubber elephant,
and the manner in which Mr. Fitzcamdux worked to fasten the straw
and fix the squeaking machinery affected me much. It is wonderful
how blood will tell, and the purple stream that runs m the veins of
Fitzeamdux indicated itself more than ever over this magnificent piece
of mammalia. He is very fond of me; and when the Prince hasn't
time to pat me on the back and show how he believes in my accuracy
of description, Fitz affords very good consolation.
Some of the other fellows had got a rocking horse, covered it with
elephant skins, and wheeled it down to the jungle, where it certainly
looked very imposing. But it was not like ours, which snorted and
roared whenever the bellows inside was pinched, and we felt that if
the natives could only be kept at a distance, our reputation as great
English sportsmen would be made for ever. For this purpose Fitz and
I warned all those whom it most concerned that in elephant shooting
it is necessary to fire at everything that comes near, owing to the in-
sidious manner of the enemy's approach. A waving sapling or a
bending bush may at any moment conceal the trackless monster of the
forest, whose ingenuity baffles even that of a special correspondent.
And so we gave solemn notice that the blood of the natives would be


on their own heads if they got hurt. For how are sportsmen to dis-
tinguish at a moment's notice between the dusky elephant and the still
more dusky denizen of the vicinitous village P
By the first grey streak of the morning's light everything was
accomplished. We had borrowed a dead elephant, killed in the slaughter
of crippled monsters which followed the recent fight, so as to be able
to make a show after the battue, and we had planted our own speci-
mens where they could be best surprised and shot down most effectively.
Fitz, as soon as the Prince was expected, set the rumbling machinery
at work, and those in charge of our rocking-horse rival were by no
means idle. I flatter myself that tame pheasant or pigeon shooting
isn't half as exciting as the sport we organised, and I am sure it is
quite as dangerous.
As soon as ever the Prince had shaken me heartily by the hand and
inquired affectionately after my health, Fitzcamdux and I bade him
be of good cheer, and be sure and fire first. England," said I, with
a sudden and unexpected impulse of true genius; England, sir,
expects that every man-and you, sir, particularly-will this day do
his duty." We then shook hands all round, proceeded to keep our
powder dry, and promised to stand by each other to the last. There
were, I may as well inform you, many others present beside the Prince,
Fitz, and myself, but as they are neither royal nor connected with
royalty I can afford to let them pass.
For some considerable time we awaited the onslaught of the furious








JANUARY. 1, 1876.] F'TJTN 13


"SEEING IT IN." ,
Ta year awaits his exit-cue "-
His time is drawing to its close;
He'll shortly bid us all adieu,
To seek his hardly-earned repose: A N -
And here, ensconced beside the fire,
I'll sit awhile, this New Year's eve,
For I possess a great desire
To see the poor old fellow leave.
I'll welcome in the infant year, i
Whose programme's in the future hid,-
Though promising, he'll do, I fear,
Just as his predecessors did.
At first he'll probably ensnare
Our fancy with his baby ways, c
And afterwards, with grim despair,
And crime, and woe, he'll end his days.
Eleven-thirty! Poor Old Year;
Good-bye,-you're fading from our ken.
Your young successor's drawing near.
'Tis but a brief half-hour, and then- .

What's this? Weird figures seem to flock
Before my eyes; chills o'er me creep;
The fire's gone out, and- Two o'clock!-
Why, hang it all, I've been asleep! RER T
top
Net a Conundrum.
M.. Knox has just committed a medical student for
trial as well as for creating a disturbance at the well-
known and generally orderly Oxford Music-hall. Why
didn't the worthy magistrate "settle it at once" himself? '
Surely Knox is best qualified to decide where there is
more than a suspicion of chaos.

MOTTO POUR L3s cmvEux.-"Hair dye an'art for
falsehood framed I" r


A' FINIsuzn ARxsTn.-A tenor ro uto who has lost
his A.


OUR BALL-ROOM GUIDE.
Br A CaRISTMAS "PARTY."


beasts, and it is worthy of remark that though the oldest and swarthiest now caracoled around amid a perfect blaze of fireworks ; and covered
of the Numidean, not to say copper-nosed, hunters turned pale, the with perspiration, dust, and glory, with torn clothes, but happily
Prince, myself, and Fitzcamdux remained as firm as at the commence. unhurt, the Prince, Fitz, and I, amid frantic shouts of delight,
men of the proceedings. We could hear the rumbling of the irate returned to our quarters, and to tiffin.
elephant in the distance, and from an opposite direction there came
the sound of waving boughs and crackling branches: we knew the
rockers were hard at work, and would be down upon us with the fury Similar, not Identical.
and fantasy of a forensic whirlwind. But let them come! Fitz and I is not true that a well-known stationery firm at New Cross con-
were there, prepared to protect and cherish our beloved Prince, and IT is not true that a well-known stationery firm at New Cross con-
each clapped the deadly breechloader to his shoulder, and, like Bayard struct their diaries on the vegetarian principle, and find that towards
or Duguesclin, Tristram or Lancelot, awaited the onset. But some- the end of the year they have to be" cut down like grass for the
how or the other it came not, and at last, despite the entreaties of the London market. We believe that the rumour originated in a mis-
Prince and Fitz, I girded up my loins, pulled up my boot, and went conception. The Diaries are certainly Letts's, and Letts's alone, but
forth alone, but not afraid, into the dim recesses of the forest. Need lettuces have no part in their composition, the similarity of sound and
I say that Fitz would have followed me, but he felt it his duty to stay the market-gardens of the publishers' neighbourhood notwith-
and die by the side of his Prince of the blood relation, should necessity sading. _
and patriotism require such a consummation P? An Accidental Purpose.
The mystery of the delay was soon cleared up; it was the result of AxONG new charitable associations is one for the relief of families
gross cowardice on the part of those left in charge of the quarry. They whose breadwinners have been struck down by any of the mischances
were afraid to bear down on us for fear of being hurt by our concen- so constantly occurring in London streets. Were the society not
treated fire. Afraid, forsooth! Fitz and I were not afraid, neither was bound together by means of accident we should be tempted to say its
thePrince! Andwhyshould theyhave had anyfearfortheirpaltrycar- projection was a good design. Perhaps in such a case Fun may be
cases ? The delay had now become so great that it was necessary to do allowed to couple these otherwise invariable opponents together, and
something, and at once. So, with another stroke of that genius which t recommend their junction to the notice of the curious.
has never yet deserted me in the hour of need, I immediatelylplanned re d r tion to the notie of the u
it all out! At once I led forth the Prince and Fitz from their conceal-
ment, and dashing through the jungle we commenced the assault on the On the Brink."
infuriate monster whose trumpeting tongue betrayed his whereabouts. THas is the name of a new drama recently offered to the British
" Fire !" said I at the critical moment to the Prince; and he, with a public. We suggest a companion play," On the Drink," to be offered
coolness and bravery which does him honour, at once let go both by the British pub.
barrels. Fitsz and I discreetly knocked the props away, and with one
more rumble of his bellows the elephant sank to his rest. "There Leading Juvenile.
goes another!" 'cried FifT, pointing in the direction of our second IN the Chinese theatres they call their first young man le jause
" plant," and the Prince again fired. Then we led him to the dead premier.
elephant, upon which he as well as Fitsz and I stood, amid the acola-
mations of the overawed and still distant multitude. The rocking-horse n AR REsLATnos.-Stingy ones.








14 FIN. [JANITAI 1, 1876.


"THE SOUND, BUT NOT THE SENSE."
Bus Conductor (to Puablind's intense disgust :-" NEAR SIGHT up, BILL !"


DIZZY'S DARLING.
A DULL Member of Parliament, duller even than the general run of
those representatives who reserve their eloquence for their own con-
stituents, and are discreetly silent in the House, has been making
comparisons. Mr. Gladstone is described by him as the political
Wainwright, Harriet Lane being, in the play of this Charley person's
mouth-we can't say mind-represented by Democracy. He moved
her into the secret recesses of the ballot-box, lodged ballots in her
brain, and concealed her remains in American cloth till Mr. Disraeli,
the modern Stokes, penetrated the disguise." Apart from any feeling
that may be expressed by gentlemen, no matter whether Conservative
or Liberal, as to this brainless bathos, we may perhaps be allowed to
suggest that the term ancient Stokes would be more appropriate as
concerns the revered Premier. Let the rightful hero wear his White-
chapel laurels uncontaminated by an inanity which even he would spurn
-and let Mr. Disraeli be proud of those on whose support he so
sagaciously depends. He is indeed welcome to them.

Helping him Home.
AN old gentleman has just died from acute bronchitis, aggravated
by mental depression caused by losses on the Stock Exchange." The
rigours of winter and the riggers of the Money Market did for him
between them.
GsooRnaYH.-What are the boundaries of Turkey F?-Sausages.


Not to Day!
A DAILY contemporary, great at discovering wonders, states that an
old man named Fergusson has just died in county Monaghan, aged
109 years." We are not told whether he was the original of the once
popular saying-" It's all very well, Mr. Fergusson, but you don't
lodge here !" Whether or no, it will apply extremely well just now,
if our humble opinion may be exercised -on this new venture.

Waity Work.
THs P. R. is said, with some show of virtuous pride, to be defunct.
Why, then, are Christmas Boxing and Heavy Wait competitions still
permitted ? If they don't form a prize "ring" the English language
is a libel, that's all __
A Christmas Box.
CAN a bout with the boxing gloves be described as spar de deux ? If
it can't, never mind.
PETTY CasH.-Threepennypieces.

Now Ready, the Twenty-ninth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-SECOND VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


CADBURY'S


COCOA ESSENCE
PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
CAUTION.-If Cocoa thicken in W op it proe(A t;e addition of sitare


Rekta

Pai3u
As Sup ie tote
(PINCSuAE'
,. LANDRES


Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 8


80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, Jan. 1,1876.


BRANDAUER & C03 New registered"
8eries" of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-t e
points being rounded by a new proceas.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
select the pattern beat suited to your hand.


I


I










JAxuAYT 5, 1876.]


FUlN.


THE ART OF CONVINCING.


" Yvu would wish for one in plain white, Miss! Oh, certainly. "This, I think, will be exactly what you are pleased to require ?
Plain white-quite so I" I think you will find this article plain white."


"Dotaon it, Miss? Oh, dear me, no I I do not perceive any dots on it."


"I do not think I could recommend anything plainer, Miss; and, in fact,
this is the only article we have in stock."


"If you will look at it without prejudice, in this light, you will perceive
I there is no pattern on it. Besides, it will wash out at once."


"You must have it either quite plain or very loud 7 This is just the
thing then-I couldn't show you anything louder than thia."


VOL XXD1.










16 PUIN.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 5. 1875.
[CARTooN.]

:.NEW YEARS FFAVOURS.
QooamTom, Dick,,and Harry,
My,amerry men all,
Let nothing miscarry
That's well..within call.
-No merit there's Claimed now
Foroaoblemen's,b'ays,
Perai sency'smasmae&dnow
Thebest.of.all ways."
Thus:Benjamin bold, with his patents and gold,
Admitscthatfi-ifavQurs are..baught .up and sold.
Cosserativevoters
Mark well whati've done,
Mark well the denoters
Of merit. For one
There's wealth. For another
There's land. For a third
A swell is his brother
I give you my word."
Then Benjamin smiles, with his titles and styles,
And Worth shrinks abashed from Conservative wiles.
-a-
A GENTLEMAN who evidently knows nothing about it, and more
than probably always rides in his own carriage, hazarded the
suggestion a few days back that there are no uncivil cabmen, no cab-
men inclined to overcharge and abuse their passengers. Far be it
from us to try and blacken the characters of men whose number best
proves thatithe variety. contained therein must be somewhat like that
of any .other body of -human beings; but the insanity of the desire to
whitewash the whole of these metropolitan Ethiops is best shown by a
'perusal of the police reports during the past couple of weeks. From
them itwould seem as if it is positively dangerous for a peaceful man
or unprotected.,woman to.take a cab, unless with- the intention of pay-
ing the driver double fare, .besides giving him "for drinks." The
gentleman to whom we have made reference stated that he had never
known a cabman objectionable unless provoked, though how a
passenger can be expected to provoke a cabman, unless by offering him
his legal fare, or asking himto drive in a direction other than that
in which cabby wishes himself to proceed, we do not profess to under-
stand. :Butinthe midst of these difficulties with drivers there comes
a fresh terror -which mvershadows all the others, and makes them
appear as nothing. It is bad enough to be asked, "What's this ?"
told to keep a shilling "to buy a clean dickey with," or to have your
wife insulted when she rides out alone, and only gives a fare and a
half; hut to have your boxes stopped" by an insolent fellow, and
to find there is no way of getting them but by paying,his overcharge,
would be ridiculous were it not so painfullymunpleasant to those who
ride much in cabs. A few days back a gentleman and lady were
driven to the Easton Station, and because the cabman was not pre-
sented with what he thought was true meed of his consideration, he
refused to give up the lady's basket-box. The station inspector had
no power in the matter, and as the box was wanted and the train was
due, the overcharge had to be paid. Subsequently, at the Marylebone
Police-court, the tables were turned,and the cabman made, like other
ingenious gentlemen, to suffer for his ingenuity. But the question
arises, How many are there ho care to go through all the trouble and
unpleasantness of a Police-court case only to prosecute and punish an
objectionable cabman ? For one summons that is issued there are a
hundred offences committed, and it would be well if some less cumbrous
process of cabman-quelling were introduced-some way by which
nervous people need not, towards the end of a ride, get into a white
heat, and desperately plunge at the outstretched hand with just double
the amount intended when the cab was called, and perhaps treble that
to which the t$.kcris legally entitled.

5To ibe .runk on the lPeamises.
MR. NWAIrOLE, lSP., speaking at a banquet recently at Ealing,
exclaimed, On publicgrounds we can always drink with the utmost
satisfaction." At~a tibe wbenphiJanthxqpy'is urging a man to take
his liquor at his ;private. home and drink ifeir with the rest of his
family, such a sentiment :from] a popular senator is a matter for
national regret.
Nearer the Mark.
IN consequence of the enormous quantity of packages sent by rail
during Christmas week, many of the long journey trains reached their
destinations six or eight hours late. The Times states that traffic
was greatly impeded-" hampered," it should have said'


[JANUARY 5, 1876.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THa Christmas pantomime at Covent-Gardei.isi.generally a thing
on which the rising generation look back 'for -exactly four months.
This term is followed by a mixed feeling -of uneeiisinty as to the
claims of the piece that has gone over. the.one .JhatAis. to come; and
the prospective event finally conquering..when exactly '-our months
more have elapsed, the remaining third of the yearisegiven up entirely
to a contemplation of the joys which are *bound. to bulmrt upon the
juvenile view when next the curtain rises at "the Garden on a
Christmas pantomime. This statement is deliberate, and, what is more,
it is true as well. Our special calculator has been engaged interviewing
the youthful occupants of all parts of this house for a large number of
pantomimes-he says several hundreds-and this is the return mado
by him and attested by his next friend, who expressed his willingness
to attest anything, especially warm and with sugar and lemon. We
gave them a shilling between them as a reward for the perseverance
and ability exercised, and then turned on the dramatic critic to know
whether this year's pantomime is worthy of its predecessors, and
likely to exercise a similar influence. He seemed very much excited,
and related at once the story of Cinderella as it is told at Covent
Garden just now. The effect was magical, and .after mingling our
tears of joy and sorrow, we decided thatithis ever juvenescent lady
had been fitted with quite another pair of .slippers, which became her
better, if anything, than the old ones. No gentleman's library will be
complete without the book of the new edition; and we advise intending
purchasers to take their families, baby and all," with them, so as to
see they obtain the largest possible amount of amusement for the
money-while it's to be had.
.Lord Bateman is the title of the novelty at Leicester-square. During
the comparatively short time he has been in office, Mr. Cave has
done much to re-establish the reputation of the Alhambra for splendid
dresses and gorgeous scenery-a reputation which was fast becoming
as faded as the materials often used by the scene-painter and the
costumier. In Lord Bateman, which contains most of the historical
incidents of the famous ballad, fancifully elaborated, the management
has fallen in no way short of previous efforts- may, in fact, be said to
have outvied them. The scenery is .good, the dresses are better, and
there is a ballet which is .best of all. The verdict passed by the public
on the night of our visit was Gorgeous!"- the term is quite truthful
enough for us. The libretto, contributed by Mr. French, is extremely
well done, and shows -that pieces which are dependent mainly on
musical selections, mise en secne,and exaggerated acting, may also be
made vehicles for literature of a very different kind from that generally
associated with Christmas pieces.
Mr. William Holland has once again at the Surrey Theatre proved
that people's caterer" is no- empty phrase, since it has been used by
and become identified with him. Like most other pantomimes, the
one at the Surrey has an old title, or rather, we may say, a set of old
titles, for in the line which first catches the eye there are are not only
Jack the Giant Killer and Tom Thumb, but King Arthur and the
Knights of the Round Table as.well. -We almost regret to bring the
grave charge of anachronism against Mr. Frank Green, who has
gathered all these characters together in one transpontine group ; and
yet the outrage on time-honoured and famous chroniclers shocks us
beyond measure. Always ready I admit ability, however, we, even
in the midst of our grief at Air. Green's iconoclasm, must say that
the work more than compensatesrforthe demolition of time, space, and
fable. The ancient reputation of the Surrey for splendid extravagance
suffers in no wise at the hands of its present lessee, and if any ghosts
of over-the-water playgoers should, during the present run," revisit
their favourite house, it is only fair to suppose the pale glimpses of
the moon" will give them every satisfaction so far as pantomime is
concerned, and show them that, vast as are the alterations which have
been made over the water, the chief improvement of them all is that
which, in spite of geography, made Holland one of the boundaries of
lackfriars-road, and led caring fothe people to be considered one to be considered one of
the fine acts. Oae, too, withwhich either the Obelisk nor the Academy
can for a moment, compare, great as both undoubtedly are within their
respective and relative pheres and boundaries. I
At .the .Globe Blue Beard, which, except for colour, is like Mr.
Tennyson's Brook, still plays to delighted audiences. The Moore and
Burgess Minstrels at St. James's Hall have been so well and so
extensively patronised of late that they have again registered their
constantly recurring vow never to perform out of Piccadilly or the
Postal District while life with them remains. At the Agricultural
Hall there is a World's Fair which offers a variety of enjoyments to
the young of all ages and degrees; and the Alexandra Palatians are
both princely and pantomimic in their notions of -what constitutes a
seasonable performance.
Surely it will not be considered out of place if we reckon Mr.
Ledger's admirable _re Almeanack among our list of seasonable amuse-
ments. This production commends itself peculiarly to the playgoer,
and he who dwells upon the names of actors as upon sweet-toned








JAwxaRY 5, 1876.] IF U N 17


music will find herein much to beguile his leisure, soothe his sorrow,
and increase his joy. Some of the most eminent among playwriters
and dramatic 4' censors contribute stories more or less humorous and
startling, while actual experiences from actors of reputation form no
mesaportionof thecompact little volume. "The Poor Players' Lesson
in Ceeookery is a good specimen of the general work, though we
always thought the story was not so much concerned with the fibrine
from beef tea, as with bread-puddings and an obvious deduction. Mr.
Lodger, who believes imitation to be the sincerest form of flattery,
continues his autograph selections, which are sure to command much
attention. We can't quite grasp the reason why-there should be two
styles of treatment meted out to contributors. For. ourselves, we
think extra merit should be shown in the work itseU, and not in the
extra size of the type used for it. But then the Bra Almanack is
esentialy a theatrical production, and in it a system of starring "
may be allowed which would be intolerableolsewhere.


THE COMM4 -ST.
I say it's rank injustice, and it didn't ought to be,
Tha. Lord Tomnoddy has a lot-iteeproperty than im !
i bothered if we bear it, and ltay we'll up and-strike,
Atd have a revolution-and we'll share and share alike.
Fer equal distribution it is happiness' germs;
So don't have no superiors but live on level tmos:
All bloated aristocraciesand tyranwy shaEl ese,
And all shall have a bit of ground and hataerown apiece:
And if so bthe ak Robinson is cleverer th at- own,
And barters wit him cunninglyb ad getsc his.qlf-a-crown;
And if l& be supposin' Jonies shonud naty play hi; hand,
And sever Smiiathe foolish fromAirm ltle bit o' land ;
And if soa be that sammun else, rm hko win' wot is wot,
And bei' cleverer than all, shouTiap an g, t the lot.-
Why tkheaz yoap-ktw, it's obviousm ad-palpable and plain,
We'll hae to.,get that property disthtted again .
Aad if somb&thssharp 'uns, whenmwet tried a litITe more,
Should: w aa get acquiring as they went and did before,
By cunninjesswor treachery, or accident, or cheek-
We'd go and have the property dividedonce a week.
But if so be' asoi was me as happened forto> fill-
His.-pokets ansihis granaies by ,'of'esillf
Wh'ytheng you IknMovwhtI acmedpiwhythat wauldibe my own,
And aw we'd give the matter up and letthethingalone.

DUN AND LINES.
CRUIKSHAKa Collection purchased for the Summer and Winter
Garden at Westminster. This collection will awaken many a favour-
able re-collection. No more seasonable place than an aquarium could
have been found for the great water-drinker's works. = Professional
singer of great fame in the provinces steals a looking-glass from a
shop. Though he stated that he had plenty of fine rich- mirrors at
his palatial abode," this professional singer has been sent for three
months to a place where there are no songs-and no suppers.
Pauper lunatic makes his escape from a workhouse in St. Pancras-
road. He may have been a pauper, but we doubt if he can be con-
sidered a lunatic. = German papers have left off reviling John Bull
for having a ship wrecked within the shadow of St. Paul's," and are
giving Brother Jonathan a turn for allowing the Bremerhaven exploder
to be an American. Perhaps he would have prevented it if he had
but had due notice beforehand. = Papers report a race for the one-
mile bicycle championship." How on earth is a one-mile bicycle
measured? = A very particular paper speaks of a man being com.
mitted for "trying to murder his mother on Christmas Eve." What
would have been done with him if he had tried the evening before
or after ? We tremble to think that a good day's work may have a
bad result after all. = Child scalded to death in a bath. Coroner's
jury return a verdict of death from Misadventure. Yet that wasn't
the name of the hospital nurse, who didn't think it necessary to test
the condition of the water. = Boy falls out of a railway train in the
North, and finding himself unhurt, tries to catch it and get in again.
If he wants to run races against railway trains with success, let him
come to London. Two miles an hour will do, and leave something on
hand. = An old Welsher, of Wales, charged with begging, and over
61 odd found on him. Said this was the result of forty years'
teetotalism. This seems to be slow work in more senses than one. =
West Bromwich jury return verdict of Accidental Death in a case of
deliberate suicide. Perhaps they think that the accidents which will
happen must be deliberate, and suicidal as well. = Postman found
drunk and unable to stand and deliver." Is assisted by a comrade.
Magistrate thinks there is esprit de corps about this. IHe evidently
means a spree de Christmas.


KARL KOLENZO.
A STORY or S8oInKc.
KAUI KoanzO was a great chemist.
No bright-ho'ed bottles stared defiantly from his front windows; no
saffron-coloured young gentlemen patted perpetually at peculiar
powders, or manipulated medicines in magnificent mortars; no fair-
haired daughters of fashion rapped on his counter for artfully cogno-
menized pick-me-ups; no plaisters were retailed by him for the aching
backs of poverty; no lozenges adorned his shelves, to lure the youthful
from the trickling rivulet of Tolu to the broad and remunerative
term of'the "Mixture as Before," at two shillings per bottle. None of
these happinesees were reserved, alas! for Karl Kolenzo, for he was a
chemist of science and not of trade.
When quite a baby he made coffee from loaf-sugar by the scientific
application of the fame of a candle. Scarcely had he been breeched
'when he discovered a rapid method of convertay pennies into peg-
tops, and-a-tthe age of thirteen he could speak with experience upon
gunpowder as an active agent in the rapid removal 'of eyebrows. As
years wore on and he attained the only estate to which he was heir,
scientific pur.'jit- engage I his deepest attention, and, eschewing the
ordinary walks of life, he devoted himself entirelyto chemical research.
Like, B. truly great men, his early inventions were denied the
patronage of as obtuse public. He discovered a means of turning
'resh batter into r jil ay grease, a powder for instantaneously destroy-
iratte efasregcing qualities of champagne, a pouneh which reduced all
tobleco efntasted to it three degrees below lighting point, a rocket for
upsetting lifeboats, and an explosive substance warranted to do things
beffte an '6at'f in the philosophy of warfare.
I@r-walthe elseive substance period of his eatder that an event
occarred which brought our hero prominently into notice. It hap-.
peaed one oine- sprig morning that, a German armada was discovered
within easy landing distaope of Dover. The army being at ihe
momet"eingagd as witnesses in a military assault case, and the navy
being kety earveying the geological formation of tre oeaan's bed, the
local stifar fes wired for scientific assistance. Karl Kolengo 8hap-
peaed th" morning to be removing the obliterating marks from used
hhilling sespfon behalf of an employ of the Telegraph Off id ad
got quick wind of the message. Thinking the opportunity a good one
to show-*bt-le could do., he placed a iftlt dynamito.glyeo.gnnortne
in a hollow' teth for safety, and otirt': f.:.r D.:.ver. RIceived with
open adi prereated arms by the Mayor and auxiliary forces, he let off
thefs lmemorale worde:--"Fellow countrymen; where arms are
p -welisschitene carries her victories. Yonder are the foe". Ia few
short hours, but' fr science, the foot of the invader would pelxte- of(f
soil. Behold how science prevents such a calamity."
Drawing from his hollow tooth the explosive atslBstnela, he wva
about to hurl it at the fleet, when-

The Mayor, who was picked up in pieces some weeks afterwards
and neatly joined with a preparation of Turtle, bears witness in'
foreign climes to the fact that his native land once existed. The foot
of the invader never sullied it, for science and Kolenzo had placed it
beyond his reach. To suggest that pulverising one's native land in
face of danger is bad policy would be to limit the whole theory of
scientific warfare, as at present incuklated in our British Institutions.

DREAMLAND.
ONE night I lay placidly sleeping
(A habit I've had from my youth),
When into my brain there came creeping
An incontrovertible truth.
For there I lay quietly dreaming
(As frequently happens with me),
And things that were only in seeming
Were better than matters that be.
Methought I sat happily smiling
(An elegant habit of mine),
While people my time were beguiling
With all that makes living divine.
Then giving my reason employment
(That's also my habit you'll find),
This truth in the midst of enjoyment
Occurred to my sapient mind:
'Twere better this Dreamland surprising
To live in for ever than be-
As surely I shall bd at rising-
Where nobody notices me!

PiOVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY.-A bottle of good wine in need is worth
two in a bush.








18 F UIN [JANUAuY 5, 1876.
18


"WHEN GENTLEMEN MEET-"
Irate Sandwich :-" HoUT oP THE nWAY, INDEED I S'POSE TOU THINKS YERSELFP M. MACONNICKEY WITH THAT 'ERE TORCH, OR THE
LoRD CHAMBERMAID, OR PEERAPS THE LORD MAYOR, JUST A 'COB IT'S FOGGY ? OH, YOU'D MAKE A NICE BIGGER, SUGARED, AND STUCK ON
A PASTRYCOOK'S COUNTER, YOU WOULD!"


NON CREDO.
I DON'T believe in many things
Some other people do,
Though time such wondrous changes brings
That false may turn out true.
But 'tis so difficult to say
What will be true-or won't-
Not to believe's the safest way-
I consequently don't!
I don't believe in sausage-meat,
Or broken hearts, or ghosts,
Or cockney huntsmen in the street
As red as pillar posts;
I don't believe in ladies' hair,
Or figures, I may say-
And thus it is my lady fair
Deceives me not-this way!
I don't believe she'd cast my love
Away for richer swain,
Just as she'd fling away a glove
Too old to wear again!
My love is not a faithless she,
Though she may pad and dye,"
And that she is not true to me
I don't believe-not I!


THE NEW GERMAN PENAL CODE.
His PRwNCESHIP OF BISMARCK has been endeavouring to introduce
into the German Penal Code a clause which renders the committor of
an offence against a German subject abroad liable to be punished for
it by German authorities the moment the offender may land on German
soil. Had his idea been accepted it was the mighty one's intention to
move the following:-
Any Englishman mentioning the German for "Basta" to a brass
band to be sentenced to six months' uninterrupted Wagner.
Anyone objecting to Germans combining the table-fork and tooth-
pick in one instrument, to be chained to Bremerhaven Quay on spec."
Anyone suggesting that a German officer could not capture London
at a moment's notice, to be chained to a German common soldier till
fever carries the miscreant off.
Anyone denying that the Deutschland was lured on to the Kentish
Knock by the Lord Mayor of London, to be choked with raw pork and
sauerkraut.
Anyone hinting that the world could go on without Bismarck to
manage it, to be treated like a Roman Catholic Bishop.
The proposition to sink every English vessel sailing the German
seas, and to blow up every get-attable American, is reserved for future
discussion.

'eu d'Artifice.
BELGRAVIAN mothers look upon their daughters as pyrotechnists
do upon their wares-their only ambition is that they may go off well.






FUT N.-JANUARY 5, 1876.


NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.
FIRST SCENE OF THE POLITICAL PANTOMIME OF HARLEQUIN SEVENTY-SIX,











JANUARY 5, 1876.]


-~ (


FUN.


REGINALD.
A MaRRIE GESTE OF CHIVALiie.
E GINALn) RATTLE-
PATE RIBS OF
"BEEF
Lived 'in a Moated
e-lGrange alone,
a -Norman villain and Sax-
on thief
Often had brought 'his
grey hairs-to grief,
So he built him a
beautiful'. Orange of
stone.

Reginald often wor
standd in state
After he'd bilten his
SMoated Grange;
-He never let anyone pass
his gate,
But said to the stranger,
"Now stand and
wait,
S I'll lock up my silver
and count :my
a changee"
dReginald thought of Cru-
sades with scorn,
;But toppled and felWin
'his Grangered-Mdftt;
eSoosihl he wished fth at
he'd ne'er 'been
born;
"d f A H'sank-while the sound
6f his favourite horn
Hovered around here he'd left the boat.
Reginald's armour was made of mail-
Down to the bottom it dragged him fast;
Moat was muddy, and rank, and stale.
Down he went right to the Moat's deep dale-
Still in his ears rang the bugle blast.
Reginald's ears were both large and wide-
He buttoned them under his helmet's brim;
To use them as paddle-wheels soon he tried,
And would, but the I utton was latched inside-
And still as he sank blew that bugle dim.
Reginald sank: and constrained to sink, .
He let himself down in a dubious doze,
And felt that he'd got all this water to drink.
Again came the blast from the bugled brink-
That bugle seems blowing right under his nose.
Reginald wonders why doesn't he drown-
-Wonders and -wakes-it is mist morn.
He starts and he swears, for his cowherd clown
Is rousing the echoes and half the' own
By blowing on Reginald's bugle horn.

DIALOGUES DURING A -RECENT FROST.

ON THE WAY TO A PARTY.
BRowN. I say, let's look sharp; I'm sure we shall be awfully late.
Isn't it better in the middle of the road where the horses have -m
Hullo Any bones broken? Here's your hat-your umbrella's over
there. Let me brush the snow off.
JowNES. Middle of the road be hanged! Here's a nice mess! There's
a great bump at the back of my head. Let's try the edge of the pave-
ment, where it hasn't been trodden dow -- Hurt yourself ? Finger
out of joint, ch ? Here's a surgeon ; he'll put it right.
BROWN. Mind the steps, it's awf Dear-dear! Broken your
nose ? So it has-it's quite flat. Never mind-same surgeon will see
to that.
There, that's more comfortable; your nose does look funny with
those bits of wood on it!
JONEs. Bother the edge of the pavement; let's try the middle;
somebody's put down some cind Hullo! Bless my soul-I'm
afraid it's a compound fracture. Here, let's make a splint with your


umbrella and boot-laces; you can limb along now ? Lean on me.
Look sharp!
BRowN. Confound the middle of the pavement! Let'd'try thaehide
of the ro There now! Shoulder out ? Put it agdansa thildaimp-
post and we shall get some leverage: let me get a purchasei.gtginst
the wall: now push hard. Hasn't that put it in? Wait a 't-- let
me stand on it. No good ? Oh, there, let's leave it out. Come a:ldAg!
JONES. Deuce take the side of the road! Try the gutter a bit, it's
not so -- Ha! It's quite smashed your hat. I'm afraid some-of
your ribs are gone: you feel awfully soft here! Three, I:fancy.
Let's hurry '
'BnoWn. No more gutters for me Try the top of that wall by-the
idde ofthe road. Your nose does look queer; I'.ll 'descri-- Oh!
Never mind-it isn't more than ten-ebt. Orkkcd vTour'b kll ? Oh,
stufff. -By jingo, it has though ;i'theWre'a'%rat hole, letir-tuff some
'-cotton wool in-that'll do. Come on, I say.
JoNEs. Hang the top of the,--all! We'll try the'4 %1M* t of the
Houses I say, here! Wake ap, Psay-'do open yvor -ytes: oh,
zlor! I say, Brown, you know, I say, you ain't dead "'Y6. did
"alarm me. Generally shaken up; elbows out, andankle br'tkWrithat's
'all. Come on! we're sure to be late.
BuowN. No more parapets-let's climb'alofigithi? fence. iere,
*wait a bit; I'llunhook you. It's torn such a slirbikitem; yoe'tan't
. go in so, you know. Get this tailor to sew 'em up.
-4* *
JoNES. Here we are at last. Issay, w*eareln a'ttate. W4 can't
go in like this !-We're positively disreputable. Iet-'bgo away.
JONEs. Yes. Which hospital is Open ?
BBowx. St. George's, I think.
JONES. Let's go there and make a night -iit.

ON THE WAY FROM 'A PARTY.
CABBY. Can't take yer nowhere to-night; roads is too sliopy.
Ealing ? Oh yes-like ter see myself! "Take ybrasfarkts tleb Mki-Vle
Arch ?" Shan't take yer a inch.
FARE. Do you take lemon in it? Other, thamt' warmed u_ ,p q
bit, eh ?
CABBY. There, get in. Oan't 'do -a step 'fulrbr sirithe Mhailec
Arch, though: gee-up.
FARE. Is this the Marble Arch ? !Bless'mne, howsoowd ve're-thre.
Do you take it neat ? Well, perhaps it warms ote' better.
CABBY. Oh, well-jump in agen, there. Don't mind goin' as far
as Nottin'-'ill, this once. 'Ard work for the 'orse, yer see. Come up,
will yer!
FARE. Oh, ah-of course, Notting-hill; so it is, you can drive
straight on.
CABBY. I shan't drive straight on-what next ? Oh, well, thankee '
I don't mind agen. It is cold, ain't it ?
FARE. Shall we say two sixes, warm? That's it. Let us -take
some with us in a flask-that will do nicely.
CABBY. Oh, all serene! Sheppud's Bush then; and then no power
on earth shan't get me a step further Werry nice smokes, these is.
Good stuff, these yere: your turn now, sir. Drink fair," I says.
FARE. Can't be Shepherd's Bush already! All right old fellow.
Couple a bottles o' sherry, eh ? Take one of 'em with us. Don't be
afraid of it you're a very nice cabby, ain't you now ?
CABBY. B'leve yer m' boy! Right yer are are-jump in. Oh, I
sham' tummle orf box-I'm all i'. Gointer ride on roof, are yer ?
Werry well all shame shiongs yappy.
FARE. Acton b. b!o'! driveaway Here's the bo'lle -Done during
tall. Thallul do!

Bless my soul, I'm very cold! Why, I'm on the roof Where the
deuce is the fellow driving to ? It's getting light! WVhV, he
isn't on the box! He's tumbled off and got left behind. Wo-o-o!
Confound the animal-hi! here! Stop him somebody!

Loyal Quand Meme."
"OUR contemporary," the Saturday Review, accuses the English
Press of flunkeyism in not protesting against the Prince of Wales's
presence at the inhuman sports at Baroda.. What nonsense While
society remains constituted as it at present is, the Press, its servant,
must respect its prejudices. Why not accuse the animals of pandering
to a degraded taste by goring each other to death? Picking holes in
popular idols is a dangerous practice in a heathen country like ours.

"That don't Count."
COUNT ARnsi denies that he is the author of the famous pamphlet
"Pro Nihilo." No one can again accuse the Count of selfishness after
such a specimen of his self-denial.

MOTTO FOR A BODYSNATCHER.-De mortuis iil isi bone 'e/n.










2 -2 FU N [JANUARY 5, 1876.





-~.-ILI


TROP DE 2ELE AGAIN.
.ngelina to Edwin (whom she has asked to give a lead over, and who has tried, with the result familiar to the truly zealous) :-" How
TIRESOME YOU ARE, EDWIN; OF COURSE I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE THAT-I MEANT HORSE AND ALL!"


AJAX THE ADAPTER.
By OUR DULL CONTRIBUTOR.
[OuR Dull Contributor has turned up again, and insists on being
printed and paid double for keeping away so long. He also demands
immense sums for the following story, as he says it is intended to show
how very much better are all the other stories which have appeared in
Fun during his absence. As we firmly believe that brilliancy palls in
time upon the vitiated taste, and that dulness is a remarkably respect-
able quality, we have given our man even more than he asked, and
hope every reader will find the moral which, in addition to all other
recommendations, lies hidden, he says, in his narration.]
My friend Ajax is, like most of my acquaintances, a remarkable man.
He was born at an early age, of honest, though Scottish, parents, was
sent to the English metropolis in his youth, and never returned to his
native soil, thus singularly differing from the practice of his country-
men. Why he was called Ajax has often been a source of speculation
to me. He was not particularly warlike, nor would he have appeared
to any advantage in a suit of armour. Perhaps his sponsors hoped
and thought he might in time develop the good old Greek principle
of seizing whatever he could lay his hands on, and thus qualify him-
self for bearing such an illustrious name. How he fulfilled their
hopes we shall see.
On [leaving Caledonia stern and wild-meet muse for the poetic
child-he was affectionately embraced by his father, who said between
his sobs, My lad, I have nothing to give you but good advice. I
have been honest, though Scotch, all my life, and of course you know
the proverbial reward. Avoid the fatal errors of your father; spare
not the Egyptians, nor the Philistines, nor any of that ilk; go forth
and prosper, and above all dinna forget Rob Roy." With that the
old man sank upon his native heath, murmured that his name was
Macgregor, borrowed one-and-threepence of the traditional half-crown
his son and heir was bringing up to London as a start in life, and
calmly sank into a comfortable alcoholic slumber. All this while
Ajax's maternal parent stood upon the brow of an adjacent mountain
called Ben-something-or-other, and with her tartans waving in the


wind mildly intoned a coronach over her departing offspring. When
I say coronach I may not be using the right word; it may be pibroch,
or what's-a-the-steer-kimmer, Willie Waucht, or thereabouts; but
this I do know, the noise was horrible enough for anything, and but
for the intervening valley would have been perfectly unendurable.
To follow Ajax upon his journey would be, if possible, more
uninteresting than the rest of this true story. My readers must be
content to know that he reached London, and that the fifteenpence
did not last even him more than six weeks. When his store was
exhausted, and his credit at the scone shop had followed suit, he began
to look about him for the means of making a living. He had no food
and no fire, and though the latter want might have been supplied by
setting light to his head-which was wooden enough in all con-
science-he never tried, and wisely so, for the block had been for so
many years the centre of a ruddy cloud of red hair that all chances of
ignition had long been lost. He was not proud, so he took to writing
poetry as a commencement, but with no success. Finding originality
a mistake, he borrowed some American newspapers and copied verses
from them. Here he was found out, however, for each scrap had
already been collared by two or three enlightened publishers, and sent
forth to the world in book form. He next tried novels, but the butter-
man lowered his price and the paper-seller would give no more tick.
Through the rest of his vicissitudes I will not attempt to trace my
friend Ajax. He was very unfortunate for a long time. After trans-
lating a French classic, his light was put out by the Society for the
Suppression of Vice; after cribbing a popular Parisian play he got sat
upon by the newspaper critics all round. But these times are past,
happily for Ajax, who now rolls in the lap of luxury. The secret of
his success was a fluke, but that same secret is none the less valuable. He
never steals now, he only adapts." Nothing from a patent mangle
to the idiotic utterance of an American humourist comes amiss to him.
He adapts alike poems and pulpits, sermons and scrubbing brushes,
dramas and diving dresses, and all the rest, while none dare say him
nay; but let anyone attempt to go over the ground he has trodden in
his rapacious course, his cry of complaint will resound through the
land, and the voice of the law bid the trespasser beware.









FUN. 23


JAn ARY 5, 1876.]


AWAKING.


AWAY from the world of toil and trouble
I sat on the height of the Cornish cliffs,
Watching the ocean boil and bubble,
Catching the breeze in fragrant whiffs.
There on the spot where the wild Atlantic
Washes the point where England ends,
Life was tinged with the hue romantic
The grand to the silent always lends.
Over my head the seagulls fluttered,
Under my feet the breakers swirled;
"Here in this lonely place," I muttered,
Man is safe from the teasing world :
Here," I cried, I will build a mansion
Far from the bustle of daily life-
Here where nature in wild expansion
Drowns the hum of the distant strife.
Hark! on the pathway hard and gritty
Cometh the sound of a hobnailed tread-
Boots from my inn at the distant city,
Waving a paper brick-dust red.
Blow it! a telegram ? I must hurry
Back to town by the night express,-
Summonsed-excuse the Lindley Murray-
For three weeks' hire of evening dress.


GENTLEMEN MECHANICS.
(THE VERY LATEST THING OUT).
Ma. FuN is really quite ashamed of himself. He has been reading
Mrs. Crawshay's beautiful circular about Lady-Helps until l''e haar
become quite horror-stricken at his own backwardness in embarking
in impossible enterprises of universal beneficence. Having suddenly
awakened to a sense of his own baseness, he has determined that he
also will become a philanthropist. So much is being done for the
ladies; why shouldn't he do something for the gentlemen? He
will. Here is his circular:-
Mr. Fun, believing there are many gentlemen who may
possibly have become tired of being clerks in the City at an
annual remuneration of 5 (increasing Is. 6d. yearly), earnestly
recommends them to take to the British Workman line of business.
To those gentlemen who may feel that they have no aptitude for such
employment, Mr. Fun need merely say that it is a calling which
affords scope for the condensation of the very largest amount of
incapacity into the very smallest undertakings; as may at once be
seen by employing any present member of the fraternity. Any
gentleman, therefore, earnestly and sincerely wishing to become a
British Workman may, on payment of a small fee, be admitted to
certain preparatory classes which Mr. Fun will have the pleasure of
instituting, and attendance at which will completely fit that gentle-
man for his future calling. The following are the classes which Mr.
Fun proposes to establish:-
No. 1.-The Beer-swilling class. This class will be held at the
nearest public, each student paying for his own liquor and bestowing
a fee of 2d. on the potboy. Gentlemen able to drink two quarts every
half-hour will be presented with a certificate of efficiency.
No. 2.- The Taking-a-week-over-a-minute's-job class'.
No. 3. The Patching-up-and-doing-more-damage-than-you-repair
class. To be paid for at the expense of private householders.
No. 4.-The Muddle- brained-political-economy-and-strike-for-
higher-wages class. To be held in Hyde Park.
It will be necessary that any master agreeing to employ a gentle-
man-mechanic, shall provide the latter with a carriage and pair, a
handsome suite of apartments (with valet and so on), twenty new
suits of clothes from the West-end, and a stall for the opera.
As of course it is impossible that any gentleman-mechanic should
undertake the rougher work, such as brick-laying, painting, or sawing
wood, Mr. Fun earnestly requests that masters shall provide each
gentleman-mechanic with a gang of wcrk for his hand. The work being thus prepared for him, he would
perhaps not lower himself materially by patting the last brick,
admiring the graining, and so forth. As a rule, a gang of about ten
ordinary workmen would be sufficient for one gentleman's use.
In cases where employers cannot afford to keep a staff of workmen
to prepare the job fo; the gentleman-mechanic, it being out of the
question for the latter to carry out any job entailing rough labour,
it might be as well to find some kind of light fancy work for him to
employ his time upon-such, for instance, as blowing soap bubbles
(prizes to be offered for the largest specimens), finding needles in
bottles of hay, star-gazing, and so on. Should the employer, either
from natural curiosity or malice, on reading this, ask, "What on
earth is the use of this gentleman-mechanic ? Mr. Fun can only


,i V


reply that he hasn't, and never had, any idea; that he likes the
notion because it is something new; that he thirsts for notoriety, and
that he will have his hobby.
As of course no gentleman-mechanic could possibly be expected to
speak to any ordinary workman, it will be essential to provide some
person possessed of a certain amount of gentility to act as medium
between the parties when, in the course of their work, communication
may become necessary.
Also, if it should be at any time unavoidable for the gentleman-
mechanic and the ordinary workman to take a meal in the same room,
Mr. Fun feels sure that masters will- have the good taste to place a
screen round the gentleman while he eats.
As the gentleman-mechanic would not of course debase himself by
associating with ungentleman-mechanics, and could hardly presume
(unless in case of special invitation) to hold, any social intercourse
with his employer; Mr. Fun flatters himself that he will be instru-
mental in establishing a class of recluses whb are in the world, but
not of it, and'who will be able to retire within themselves and medi-
tate upon the frivolity of human life with6ot the annoying inter-
ruption of worldly companionship. HIe will also be enabled to prove
the utter erroneousness of all immemorial traditions of society, and to
show that a person's social standing-is in no way affected by the
intellectuality-or otherwise of h s calling: and he Is proud to think
that he will have the honour (t setting up a school of hunian behigs
more useless, more out of place, and holding a isl.3.:r position than
any class (except one) ever before head of.
Mr. Fun will (for 3s. 9d., prepaid) fokat'd a copy of his whole
programme, with-(in order to prove the hitter absence of self-
glorification and yearning for notoriety with which he carries on his
work of charity)-his photo, autograph, andt a view of the Fu's office.















AUTHORS' COPYW.IONGS.
IT is said that such dissatisfaction is exhibited among authors
at the manner in which the members of the Royal Commission
on Copyright have been selected that some of the most eminent
writers have decided not to recognize it. Royal Commissions
seem, as a rule, selected on the principle that those can decide
best on a vexed question who know least about it, and this Com-
mission and its selectors have committed themselves to nothing
novel, although that form of literature is to benefit by their labours.
While pleased that leading writers intend to stand on their dignity
and decline to be patted on the back by swell nobodies, we must object
to the opportunity taken by the other nobodies-who are not even
swells-to state that no evidence shall be given by them. Perhaps,
however, the determination of Mudbrain and Guttersnipe not to be
examined may lead some members of the Commission, in despair, to
volunteer evidence of their own experience in the paths of fiction. If
so, the result is likely to be extremely instructive-to no men so much
as those who, in the greatness of their own conceit, now regard them-
selves as authorities on the subject.

The Only Chance.
UNDER the head of Gluttony we find an account of a pauper who
choked himself to death with his Christmas dinner. It may be so;
but there seems more excuse for a starving creature to choke himself
Sixth the opportunity which comes only once a year, than for smug-
faced, round-paunched, well-fed gentility to, take this means of
denouncing the crime of hunger.

A Buttery Hatch.
A CONTEMPORARY has discovered that the Public Health Act permits
the. sale of bad butter with impunity." The penalty for selling the
genuine article is not stated; but the omission is unimportant, for the
London tradesman who merits the infliction has yet to be found.

AN Egyptian labourer has committed suezcide by throwing himself
into the canal. Verdict-Fellah-de-se.









FUN.


VAULTING AMBITION."
Broom to Butcher :-" Now, BILL. 'ERE'S YR CHANCE! (The little darling was just
passing under a large bunch of mistletoe hung out at the greengrocer's.


INTERJECTIONAL EPISODES.
I MET a maid when in my prime-
For months we courted and caressed ;
I married her in course of time,
And-well, I'm blest!
I placed my money in a bank-
I hear that bank has gone and smashed;
Of course I have myself to thank,
But-well, I'm dashed!
I did a sketch awhile ago,
Which all my previous efforts banged"-
Committee men admired it so
That-well, I'm hanged !
I wrote a highly polished play
With wit and situation crammed,
They brought it out the other day,
And-well, I wouldn't have believed it!

In Statue Quo.
THERE seems to be great difficulty in finding a suitable spot for the
erection of the equestrian statue of Lord Mayo, lately sent to India.
An advertisement in the Calcutta Gazette states that unless the statue,
now lying on the jetty, be immediately removed "it will be sold to
defray expenses." His late lordship was never a proud man, but
after such treatment as this it is surely time for him to be stuck up-
somewhere.
A VESTED INTEREST.-Waistcoat-making.


[JANUARY 5, 1876.


"AS YOUNG AS EVER."
'Tis New Year, and the rooms are bright
With mistletoe and holly;
The cake displays its crest of white,
And everybody's jolly!
My happiness I can't contain-
I vow I feel a boy again!
Though fifty-odd, I'm full of glee,
With "youngsters" here disporting;
And oh! it gladdens me to see
Young couples slily courting.
Ahl, bless their hearts! they're not to blame,
When Iwas young I did the same!
In all the children's games I join,
Their happiness enhancing;
I play at cards and lose my coin,
And even try at dancing!
In Blind-man's-buff I revel, too-
And Cobbler, cobbler, mend my shoe "
Whene'er I tell of gnomes and fays
Their eyes with wonder glisten;
And when I carol comic lays,
How joyfully they listen:
Each youngster earnestly believes
My version of the Forty Thieves."
Time tracks me, but I'm not appalled,
To dodge him I'll endeavour:
What though my head's becoming bald?
My heart's as young as ever.
Though age has flecked my hair with grey,
I wdll disport on New Year's Day.

THE remark made by the astonished century
plant when at last it does bloom is simply-
" Aloe 1"


Iniquitous Inequalities.
WILLIAM CAMPBELL, a Scotchman, convicted on the clearest evidence
of the crime of playing on the bagpipes in the public streets, has been
condemned by Mr. Woolrych to the miserably inadequate punishment
of ten shillings or seven days. And yet a recent ingenious gentleman, for
only assassinating and mutilating the mother of his children, was
hanged at the Old Bailey. Such are the anomalies of our penal code.

Difference without Distinction.
Swell Yachtsman:-" Been to any races lately ? "
Swell Sportsman :-" No, afraid of being welshed !"
(After a Pause.)
Swell Sportsman:-" Been yachting lately ? "
Swell Yachtsman :-" No, afraid of being Welched!"

Charity begins at Home.
WE are really very sorry for that rising of the natives in the Malay
Peninsula which was telegraphed the other day; but seeing that they are
-three-and-six a dozen at this moment in London we cannot afford to
expend much sympathy. Still, we shall be glad to hear that they are
down again-" to even money."

CRYING EVILs.-Babies.

Now Ready, the Twenty-ninth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being the
TWENTY-SECOND VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. Od. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


by ERS QUININE WIN
Wa can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- H. H 4assall, M).D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.-WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO.. Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Pleet-street, E.O.-London, Jan. 5, 1876.











JANUARY 12, 1876.] J 25


. DOTS AND
LINES.
DUKE OF NORTH-
UMBERLAND gives
200 to be "dis-
tributed in coals."
This looks like an
expensive pleasure
even for a duke. =
Glasgow pawn-
brokers fined for
" neglecting to enter
pledges in their
books." Has this
got anything to do
with the expulsion
of bookmakers from
that town a year or
so back? = Greek
revenue is said to
balance the expendi-
ture. This must
save both trouble
and expense.=
Leeds Town Council
reject proposition
for the appointment
of public-house inn-
spectres by a large
majority. Naturally
they object to taking
such Leeds. = Times
telegram states that
"no more cases of
cholera" have oc-
curred on board the
Serapis. This is
Printinghouse-
squarese, for "no
cases have occurred
at all on board the
Serapis." = F arn-
ham Bench refuses
to believe that eight
men found in a
licensed house after
hours had paid for
beds, and fined them
7s. 6d. each. If this
is to go on, we shall
have men fined
whenever J.P.'s
don't believe they've
paid their quarter's
rent, or their wash-
ing, or anything else
before it's due.
Where are the
privileges of
Englishmen? =
Three Scotchmen
found dead from
excessive drinking.
Should like to know
the quantity it took,
and whether they
died rather than
waste any. = Mr.
Charley, M.P.,
objects to philo-


ARCH ARCHERY.
Nellie :-" WELL, HILDA, AND IF CHARLIE SMITHSON DOESN'T PROPOSE, I'M SURE OF
HARRY RAMSAY. I ALWAYS LIKE TO HAVE TWO STRINGS TO MY BOW!"
Hilda :--" INDEED! WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME MORE LIKE HAVING TWO BEAUX TO TOUR
STRING !"


sophers and learned
me n," especially
with regard to their
estimate of the
ourang-outang and
gorilla as compared
with man. "There's
a divinity that
shapes our ends,
rough-hewthemhow
we will." = Smoke
goes down a chimney
and chokes two
sailors at Galway.
It must be borne in
mind that Galway is
in Ireland. = Lord
Wharneliffe's second
title is to be Vis-
count Carlton. Is
there any hidden
reference to club
interest in this or is
it merely a mild
little Conservative
pleasantry ? = Man
sent to prison for
" wilfully damaging
a police-constable."
Prisoner ought to
have been tried
under the Act
specially passed to
prevent the defacing
and damaging of
her Majesty' s
coppers. = Mr.
Gladstone secedes
from the Reform
Club. Reform be-
gets reform with
him. He'll be
sorry for this." And
perhaps more so.


Drunk or
Dying ?
THE police are
frequently blamed
for not attempting
to find out whether
a fallen man is
drunk or dying. To
prevent mistakes
they generally
make up their mind
he's a bit of both-
dead drunk.


New Reading.
AM I not a man
and a Buddah P?
N.B. Could we
find the villain who
sent us this-Be-
gum, we'd Muslim.


TOM AND GERALDINE. Separated, soon it's plain they are both in love again,
ANYBODY have seen Tom was fond of And the inconsistent two regularly bill and coo;
ANYBODY might have seen Tom was fond of Geraldine But they'll-lest their dream be o er-never marry any more !
(Consequence arising from Geraldine's adoring Tom); ______;_
Having little else to do, he would bill and she would coo.
Soon upon the seventh ult. came the obvious result- Whoso is found," &c.
Orange blossoms, trousseau, cake, bride and bridegroom in their wake; ONE of the pantomimic houses advertises Women float in the air
Tom is now commencing life-Geraldine is Tommy's wife. without any visible means of support." Then, according to the Act,
the police are bound to run 'em in.
Close upon the marriage vows follow intermittent rows.
Geraldine can sneer and snap, Tom's an irritating chap: CHARITY ORGANISATION.-Playing a barrel organ to get twopence
Quarrels ending in, of course, Court of Probate and Divorce. to go away.

VOL. XIITI.











26


FUN.


F7rV f'riCs Wedn*sdayT Jam; 12, 1876.
[CAToewO.]

THE GOOD' LITTLE BOY:
MAMMA. Ber. Dear little Bertie,'
Just turned four-and-thirty,
Has spent all his toney in toys.
Beyond a sulpioion*:
He'smanaged hia mission-,
Made friends with the best of your boys,
And ing F.:.l-lc.Uipop-lay.
NTUSE InD. My boys are delighted,
Not one of 'em spited,;
With presents they all are content.
Your good little sonny
Got rid of his money
By-giving wherever he went
Singing Fol-1ollpoptly.
BOTH. The best'of all candy,
True sugar," we've handy- --
We'll fill all his pockets with this?
He's such a good Bertie,
He's just four-and-thifty
He's filled up our measure-of bliss:-
General chorus in which lollipop-finders join.

WE do not see; in referring to the case of Mr. Irving 'and ourselves,
that anything more suitable and straightforward can be done than to
thoroughly endorse the statements made b'r the- defendants in the
magistrate's court at Guildhall. Said the. writer, "I only wish
to say that I have tendered an apblogy.to Mr. Irving because I con-
sider that it is due from me to hinvlbecanse if I did not do sol should
lose my own self-esteem. I hae' tenl'dred that apology Ywith no
desire to shield myself from the consequences -of my act. I wish now-
to "nothing extenuate;" but I denyimost solemnly that I set-down
aught in malice." This is, as we take-it, a fair and honourable
acknowledgment of an error coinmitted without spite or premedita-
tion, and as such we have now' reprinted-' iti? The statemsent of the
editor ran as follows:-" I wish tb express _ry regret that :I should
have inserted anything in the paphtrof which'I am the-editor:capable
of bearing this construction. I alVPvery n-rry4h.it thb. should have
been any idea of malice or ill. -il1, as I am-. personally unacquainted
with Mr. Irving, and have often'writtbn notices as he himself has
admitted, admiring his acting extreftT y." So fieas- Mti" Irving(is
concerned, these two -,t-r rin.. s itirfied hinm that n-., personal feeling
or malice was shown -:.r .i-. rn& nd, ind, ke ra -n.r. c.is f, h,. allowed
the matter to drop. 'I t-: .: ik at in rnd, and 1r -- ish th be as brief
as possible in our commerit oon it, so much t-li hb,.fy having-been:
already obtained; but before we close, one word is necessary in our
own justification. We wish to distinctly state that the reference to
the press was never intended in the light in which it was received; and
as we state this of our own free will, and quite apart from anything
that was said in court or requested-to be said, wet-hope our feeling will-
be respected even where it is not'understbod. The-difference having'thugs
been disposed of in all its phases, we trust our readers will be satisfied,
as Mr. Irving was, that whoever'may have been in fault; neitherprivatb
spite nor personal malice was in any way concerned- in: the question
at issue.

EVERY department of our nival-affairs seems as-if it must come to
grief sooner or later, and the burning of two training ships on the
Thames, within so short a time of each other, is but, after all, a con-
tinuation of the ill-luck which has for so long pervaded the more
efficient branches of the service. We have no wish to enter into the
question of how these latter deplorable results were brought about,
but if accident really was the cause in both cases, then those who
believe in the doctrine of chances and coincidences may consider them-
selves well on the way to be avenged for all the slights that have
hitherto been cast on them and their belief. We admit that envy-
open and deliberate-is the feeling-we have for those who can see in
every link of this chain of dreadful disasters always something which
more than consoles them and compensates the country for the loss
sustained.

Jockeylar.
LIEUT. PATRICK DE r ACM AHiAON, the Marshal's eldest son, has been
elected a member of the French Jockey Club. While his father looks
after the French race, he'll have a hand in the management of the
French races. Of course.
LONnoN LETTERS.-Metropolitan lodging-housekeepers.


- [JANxvnr 12, 1876.


CONV-ERSATION-8 FOR THE TIMES.

OUR.- COITESB OF" JUSTICE;
I,
A PERsoN (to another perseass I'say, the Court ofConfdsion,.is
somewhere about here, isn't -iti I suppose you haven't. any idea
which is the right door for tha witnesses ?
THE OTHB'R PERSON. Well-l-no; I can't say I have. I want, to
find it myself. I've tried that door over there, but it leads into some,
body's kitchen; and I've triedAthis one, but it leads into somebody
cellar; and I've tried that; one, round the corner, but it doesn't
lead anywhere! I'll ask thisBpoliceman. He says he doesn't know
any more than Adam. He says it's his duty to keep the-door of the
court, only he can't find it; he!s been crying, poor fellow! '
A'PERSON. Somebody told me-you had to go through some vaults,
and then up:a ladder,' to reach the' court. Here's a cnowd round that
door overlthere-let's try that.
THV'OTHrEM It leadsdnto somebody's garret. I mest get in some-
how-hang it I'm- a witness!
A PEROs-. So ame.I!
THn OTHEm. The case must be half over by this time. It's no use
waiting here. Hereds the crowd off to another door-it leads to
somebody's parlour: We're too late to. be of any use now.. Lefs go
and do a "bitter!"'
A PERSON. All right. Come on!
II.
CONSTABLE 1,000,000 B. Oh, do get, away with- yer. It's-, no
manner of use following' me about-it's only breaking' my 'art. I
can't find-the door, and I've strict orders not to let nobody go in,
without card from the judge. If you don't let me alone I'll commit
sooicid'&!
A.TALL MAN. What the deuce am I to do? Where is the door '
I'm'the counsel for the prosecution, you see, and they'll very likely
want me in'the course of: the proceedings I tried to get in at the
window, but they turned& me away. That's the court; that low
building like a pigstye.
AX SnHOr MANm. Oh, Ilknow the court well enough, thoug'I don't
exetly .remember'any- door: I faz:cy there's a kind of entrance some-
where' upp an- aley. I'm: the counsel for the defence-I'm afraid
they'll, aiss*am-. Somebody-says the court's full. There's room for
about tfexnpeople, altogether, including the space, on' the bench. It's
no use waiting here. Do you rink?
TALL MAN. Ye-- I'm awfully fond of drinking !
SitoTr- Mxs Lete's hide our brief-bags inside this pump, and go
and-rink1
TT ,- M ftim Dbre!s
Ill.
CoTAn"miiiAi,0iid n'B. Oli;-DO leave off! I'm going mad, I am!
iere ain't no door, and the court's full, and the entrance is closed for
repairs, and there ain't to be no trial to-day, and it's all over a hour
ago-there There's a lot o' people hanging' about that door-you
try it.
ANr ANXIous PERSON. Look here-here's countless gold. I must
get in, or I shan't get my verdict; I'm the defendant,!
1i000;000 B. I don't know anything- about no defendants; I've
got my orders not to let in no defendants nor nothing -besides I can't
find the door:
AntxIous PAR-T.& Here's more gold. Couldn't you just smuggle
me--'-?
1,000,000; B Now, you be off; or I'll run you in !
ANxiOUS-PAP r: Oh, very well. I'll murder somebody for this.
I'1 go away now, and have some oysters and stout. Good day !
IV.
GENTLEMAN OF THE PRESS. This is a pretty state-of things! How
on earth am I to get my report done, if I can't get in ? Which is the
court? Is there any court? Why the case must: be nearly over!
Here, by Jove, perhaps this is the door!
CROWD. Hoo-ray! Here's a party found the door! Let's follow
him. Yar! He's gone in and filled the court-it only holds one.
Hullo He's come out again! He says it only leads into somebody's
two-pair-back. Chair him round Hooray!
V.
SMALL BOY Oh, my! Here's a peeler bin' and drowned'hisself'in
the pump. Here's a letter a-stickin out of his boot. It's all' about
"Despair," and "Couldn't find," and Door." Poor feller!


GENT
case we
GENT
at all.


VI.-AT AN EATING-HOUSEm
LEMAN (with oysters and stout). Have you any idea how that
nt this morning, sir ? I'm rather interested in it.
LEMANI (with ,weetbread and chablis). No, I haven't, any. idea
I couldn't get into the court. I'm rather interested in it, too.









JANUARY 12, 1876.]


FUNl.


GENT. (with stout). Oh, indeed! Curious coincidence-I couldn't
get in either!
GENT. (with chop and bitter-after consulting with eleven other
gentlemen with chops and bitter). What a strange circumstance! We
couldn't get in, either! We're rather interested in it toa!
GENT. (with stout). Ahl, witnesses perhaps ?
GENT. (with chop, consulting with others with chops). A-no, the
fact is, we were to have been the jury-but we couldn't find the door!
GENT. (w'th stout). By jingo! Then perhaps you'll oblige me
with my verdict after all. I'm the defendant.
GENT. (with chablis). Well, now I know who you alare, I don't
mind telling you in confidence that I'm the judge.
PERSON IN THE CORNER (with rheumatic fever). Then, by Jove!
you're the gentleman who sent me the card I got in with! I'm the
plaintiff, you know,; but 1 took the precaution to get one of your
cards. You see, when I .get into the court there wasn't room for
anybody else at the -same time, because the court's rather small, so
they couldn't have had thie trial, even if they'd found the door. It's
draughty too; I only-stayed five minutes, but I've got rheumatic
fever from it. Here, Til show you the way-you get at it over some
roofs, and down a rain-pipe.
JUDGE. Oh, bother the court! Here's luck all round.
[They carouse.

LOVE'S INVITATION.
COME, sweetheart,-letf wander awhile through the meads,-
To gaze on the flowers, whose leaves are aglitter
With clusters of dewdrops-like crystalline beads-
And list to the songsters that merrily twitter.
Let's stroll hand-in-hand, by the murmuring stream,
Now birds greet the day with harmonious chorus:
We'll whisper Love's ancient, yet ever-new theme,
And talk of the rose-coloured future before us !
Ay, down by the rivulet's moss-covered bank
We'll pluck the forget-me-nots-famous in story-
(You know what the lover exclaimed as he sank :
He died for his lady-love, deeming it glory.)
Ah me! times are altered, and Romance has fled,
And sterniCommon-sense has made Chivalry cower;
But still, little maiden, love isn't quite dead:
E'en now-a-days many acknowledge its power!
Then come, dear,.the sun, with his life-giving rays,
Now gladdens-the earth with a radiant splendour-
Each wakening flow'ret its colours displays,-
And all to Queen Nature their homage should render.
Oh, come, and your cheeks, once so pallid, shall glow,
For Phoebus is famed as a glorious tinter.
Yet stay, love! The meadows are covered with snow-
The trees are quite bare! Iforgot it was Winter !


SPORTING EVENTS IN SEVENTY-FIVE.
(SPECIALLY COMPILED AND CONTRIBUTED BY AUGSPUR.)
As I sit in the dim recesses of my contributorial chamber and know
that the year 1875 has gone to the place where once per annum the
ghosts of departed dates rise up and say, Year year are again "-I
feel a sense of solitude steal over me, and long to have been present
when old Seventy-five was received by his younger brethren. How_
magnificent and refreshing niust be their conversation !-how proud
each must be of what took place in his time, and how each must affect
to think nothing whatever of events which have made other of his
companions'"famous!
I have never been able to make out exactly what happens when
some fellow comes fresh to the Bourne boasting of an important event
which really belongs to another gentleman deceased some two or three
thousand years ago. There must be awful quarrels, especially when a
defunct Year sets up a claim as possessor of such inventions as gun-
powder, -oollard head, electricity, pickled cabbage, prime ministers,
postage-stamps, Conservative reaction, peany buns, lightning con-
ductors, railway ecoidents, and old brown windeeor soap ;-and some
shadeirees up and, in a language forgotten even bythe authorities at
South Kensington and Earlswood, lays elaim to the innovation. There
is nothing new minder the sun, except ,ee'ry Wedaesday, price one
penny, and it is only to be obtained of ust publiaber, at 80, F'eet-
street, ,E.C.
I have been requested by the editor of this paper to give an impor-
tant and synopsical rather than cynical glance over the sporting events
of the past year, and if I am late -with my copy,, it must be ascribed
more to the careand.attention I always bestow outnhe work before me
than to the festive season and the flow of soul, -especially in our neigh-
bourhood, where there has been a sound of revelry by night all day


long, very much interfering with the construction of my sentences
and the constitution of what few ideas I may conscientiously call my
own.
Well, with regard to the sporting events of 1875. In the first place
we had better know what we are about, commence at the commence-
ment, and decide at once and for ever on what ceneitutesathis item of
current journalism. A sporting event is, as I understand, it, an event
which has some bearing-no matter how remaote-on thie opdition of
sport; and with a view to its being arranged I beg to propose that
all my readers will insist on this vieW being adopted. Train up a
sportsman the way he should go, and when he is in good condition
bring off the event." That's a selection from ,'my new book,
Sporting Proverbs, now in the press, for which stamps are or will be
received as cash, while a discount of twopence in the shilling will be
allowed on post-office orders. No gentleman's lihjry will be complete
without it. Order of your bookseller at onc., q*d if you haven't a
bookseller try at the oilshop. Only, be sure th.4 when you ask for it,
you put your foot down and insist that it. shage.li marked Augspur,"
without which none are genuine. I think 4a1re qow "brought off "
one event. Another sort is to be found in amqtheA phase of sporting.
It wasn't on the Epsom course, to which I often went,
I found what I consider was the raciest event.
It wasn't in the billiard-room 'mid clicking of the balls,
Nor in the now defunct P.R., its mills and mobs and mauls,-
If you said, Was it boating ? I sould hardly give aa4pqt,
Though rowing on the riyer is most truly an eyeat.
It wasn't in the cricket.field, nor in the foot-b&IJ oharge,
It wasn't in the steeple chase, although its sphere is large.
It wasn't in the pot I won, with which my thirst to slake,
It wasn't in the match I made to eat nine pounds of steak.
It wasn't in the boxing bout with splendid little gloves,
That give black eyes like winkin," and are perfect little loves.
Nor was it in the first essay I made upon a rink
(No, that was anything but sport I most sincerely think).
I don't believe in bagatelle, and so it wasn't that,
Nor do I care for marbles, or for shuttlecock and bat.
My notion of a sportinglike event's a little mixed,
I'm getting at it slowly, and will shortly have it fixed.-
I think if I were polled to state the sportinggst event
That ever claimed my notice-it was once when I was sent
To see a grand spectacle; it was on a Boxing-day-
My best idea of sporting was my notice of the play.
I fancy this should be fund to distinctly settle the question, and if
poetic authority is not enough, readers will hagve go difficulty in
finding plenty of evidence in support of my theory, f they will only
look in the proper place for it. Having suceedod in my primary
object so successfully and satisfactorily, I think I had better subscribe
myself, at once, and before I destroy the good impression effected,
your true discoverer of the meaning of disputed points, and general
analyst of the year gone by, Au Usrua.

Na revanche.
THE new Slave Circular just issued from the Admiralty is likely to
give no more satisfaction than that which preceded it, and people
begin to ask aloud why the Lords are so anxious to force a mea-
sure on the country which is bound to be most repulsive to Englishmen
of all kinds and conditions. Hush! good folk. Cannot you see that
as our navy becomes smaller and smaller, it is necessary the work of
our sailors should become less and less ? Why, this is a piece of Con-
servative strategy which more than balances the losses of the last
twelvemonth, and is certainly worthy of a moit rapturous reception.
Still, it would be hard if a Conservative Ministry became popular on
the score of any such common quality as clevern.ess.

Nelloncholy Occpf r rae,
JUST before going to press, we learn that the esteweed actress, Mrs.
Mellon, while playing at the Princess's Tfheatre last pight, at the end
of the first act put out her Rip, to the evYAdet distress .of all the
spectators. Yet she seemed quite used to it.

Quiddity.
Poo. Quilldrive has a large family a4d:a small qsajary; the former
increases annually, but the latter obstinately icks :t two pounds a
week. Still he is not happy. He 'weaky says .a f rtium fid is
wanting.
Lyttony.
LORD LYTTON is to be thenew Viceroy of Ie 4j.. ir. -.i s li could
not possibly have Lytton on a better man.

WHERE would a lunatic expect to find woollen blankets growing ?-
On Bedlambs, of course.


I









28 1FU3 J 'N. [JANUARY 12, 1876.


THE BRITISH WORKMAN.-BY ONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
PHASE VIII.-HIS CHEEK.


"Lor' bless us, if I ain't bin and forgot the solder II knowed
there was a something."


"Jest dropped in to see 'ow yer was a getting' hon. Can't come
and finish that 'ere job to-day, 'cos I'm indisposed."
























" 'Ere, I've got the solder now-but I've forgot my tools.
Back agin soon."


" Cold, to-day, ain't it? I shall werry likely be coming' down at
the end o' nex' week, to do that bit. I'm ort for a skate."


" I've jest come to arsk yerif yer'd pay me for this little job
in advance, 'cos I'm a-goin' to git married."



















































THE GOOD LITTLE
ICKLE SING, HE IS, AND DESERVES


BOY.
SOME MORE LOLLIPOPS, HE DOES."


Xurse ln,di:a- HE'S A DEAR









JAwARY 12, 1876F.]FI IN 31.


SAN IDEA,,
Ir people who on earth ljilwell C
Nde'er into paths of evilfft
And eachlone Joved Moneighbour;
If criminals were things unktl]wa,
If all men earned and kep4hAow .
And lived by hone i r -,
If suitors never met teeth yet,
If human blood, wered, S Kas
AndArade had nr= "ojos2 -.
Wh'ereweuld. "theB o i wh i&hea bles&--
Its;quaint ideas of lidexpreW .
And air its funny-s week o
Well, if it e'er should omotabolbt,
We put the light of evaWbou4,
And&:stop.illegal cap~s
Our magistrates shall be.employed,-
That still the-ir j. es may be enjoyed
With laughterr "- in the papers.

One NW V
Temnzr s a chance for peaewoin S ai t after-ale Ty a ,
Government have resolved .toesen&an expedite Q of, the
Zulu ArchipelagotAo reven.eemw indignities,- uted"l
by Spanish subjeotse- NowjfI thb*Carlists aidR o. ha heb
will .,makre- common cause a w n41 march oth: together,
Spain may have, a spell ofiequiet. Thera.ares d fw,
absconding foreigners in the'neighlbourhoodwitawemould
Collie-nise the country during heir: absence.


SA Jones to a friend, ;', i' you:iake tsomhtling -
short-a onin of old brahden. a, glass of. good port ? "
Not port;" said his friend, "f6r, I'e reason to think,
very stout I should get did I that liquor drink." --- "
"Pooh! pooh !" remarked Jones, "'tis beyond any -
doubt, if I ask for port wine you will scarcely get
'stout!'" FULL OFI AITCHESS."

WVHEN a man has interred a scolding wife, where Oldp l dy:--"Os, Ma. JoNns, I'b E SUCH A n ALPITATION; WAT WOULD
should he go for his honey-his week of mourning YP you ADVISE FOR SY 'ART ?"
Shrewsbury. Absent-minded -Do ctor :-WELL, MADAM, I THINK I'D TRY A LITTLE A t"

TRUo nIY. athe children, all about it, and there must .have been quite a family
TRUE CHARreoicing for there days afterward s, when .oe of the merry g et -
ONes there was a poor widow with seven small children, and, being mim's merry gentlemen called to inquire aboutnthe.case, they were,41
a woman destitute of everything,, including proper resignation to eight dead on the floor. There was no dpubt about.it, joy had kille.themr-
empty, stomachs, she. thought she would go to the offices of a Relieving joy at knowing their case was going to be inquired 'into. And t
Association andask for some bread.. Very, illbread of her to do so, of merry gentleman reported that it was quite deserving case, an4.
course; but you see the widows of to-day didn't have the benefit of a entered it in his, book with an account of the expenseh.of inquiry, vicit,
School-Boarded youth. Well, she went and knocked at the door- and report, and the subscribers were delighted to think. their. rayA
such a beautiful door, all over brass plates and knockers and bells, and had been sq well laid out. And so everybody was happy,; but suph is
the name of the Association in six feet letters it almost made the rude the rudeness of these common people that it is. quite, pbable, tbhe
people who called leave off being hungry to look-at it. And the door widow and her children were happiest of all.
was opened by a gentleman with a beautiful thick coat on,, and. a
waistcoat and a gold. chain, and.he looked so warmthat thez ude people
almost forgot to feel cold.when they looked at him. And he showed.her LOVE O R ONE SI D E.
up, stairs-such lovely, high, sharp, nice stairs-and they looked so,
still and quiet that they almost made the rude people forget to. feel As the moon, cold and. chaste," swells the bosom of ocean,
tired asthey clomb up them. And.on the top of the stairs was a room And.the sirens sing songs that seduce us to sea,
with a gentleman in it-such a nice gentleman, with rings on his, So the woman I love fills my heart. with emotion,
fingers and roses in his cheeks, and nice, white linen. and black cloth Though I know that she cares not a button for me!
all over him; and he looked so happy that the rude people almost,for- Why should. I be foolish and. waste my affection
got to feel miserable when they looked at him; and he spoke to people, On a bright and cold. moony.andsirenlike bride ?
so nicely and.politely that the rudepeople almost2 forgot to: feel rude The best that could happen would be my rejection-
while he talked to them. Then he asked the widow what she wanted, For I know that our Love would be all on o.ne iide !
and she said she'd seven children, at home who hadn't tasted food for a It is strange how a love, with its wild faqcinaion.,
week, and her case was ditto to theirs. And he said "hum," and a Will so utterly obfuscate reason and seqse.,
gentleman who was with him said "ha," and the widow, felt quite That 'twill.run you away intoinfatuation
inclined to say "hum" and "ha" too-they had such. a genial way There to conjugate "LQVE" to it,; 1li.L -t t"nnP !
with them. Well, my good woman, we'll inquire into your case-. But I. twen't be a victim, and marry a statue
let me see- the day after to-moriow-leave your address." Now he, That I can't to the British 'keuieu confide!
like a truly charitable man, had hit upon the only thing that the (Could you bear loveless eyes staring stongly at yo0 ?)
widow could spare, so she left it and thanked him, and went down the No! I won't be a b i,-And with l1s on, one sid!!
comfortable stairs and past the warm man and out of the door with
the bells and. brass plates,, and felt quite pleased to think she'd walked
Seven miles on a bleak winter's day to see such nice, merry people, and Wry is Speculative Stock like Pride ?-Because it must have a
Such a cheerful place. And when she got home to her garret she told fall.









32



A\\


FOLLOWING FASHION.
Mistress :-" WELL, JANE, SO YOU'VE GOT BACK AGAIN?" Jane:-" YES, MEM-THANK YOU, MEN!"
Mistress:-" AND DID YOU ATTEND YOUR SISTER'S FUNERAL, JANE!"
Jane:-"-OH NO, MEM; IT IS NOT CUSTOMARY NOW FUR-EH-LADIES TO FOLLOW!"


SOME MAGAZINES FOR JANUARY.
MACMILLAN opens the year with the commencement of Mr. Black's
"Madcap Violet," and the close of Mrs. Oliphant's Curate in Charge."
The new story promises to be interesting, though the heroine, so
far, seems like Becky Backy transplanted from the Old Commodore and
French polished. This is, perhaps, more due to the fact that we have
been reading Marryat lately than to anything else; all hoydenish young
ladies are bound to possess a certain amount of resemblance-on paper.
The other contributions are above the average. In the Cornhill there
is a dog which, if it could be taken out of the picture and put in a
show, would not be passed over by even purblind judges. By the way,
is purblindness a recommendation for show judgeships P We notice it
as a peculiarity of judges. The St. Jamnes's has some interesting con.
tributions in addition to its two well-written 'serial stories; and in
Colburn's New Monthly the most noticeable thing is a translation of
Burger's "Lenore." It is far from bad, but we fancy the youthful
venture of Walter Scott will still continue to be read by the conserva-
tive in literature, which, in this instance, includes ourselves.
The Atlantic Monthly, in addition to a varied contents list which
contains the names of some of America's most famous writers, presents
its subscribers with a lifelike, as well as lifesize, half-length portrait of
Longfellow, sometime known in both England and the States as a
representative poet. The reviews in this magazine are worthy of the
original contributions, among which, for this month, are poems by
Aldrich and Wendell Holmes. In Scribner's, Bret Harte, important a
writer as he is, stands by no means alone in his glory. "New York in
the Revolution" is the commencement of a series which should be at
least as interesting to Englishmen as to Americans. Pictures of the
French Renaissance" is another interesting article, and the verse is
readable. But the illustrations of this cheap "mag" are things which
must be seen to be appreciated. Our cousins evidently do not believe
in the slow shilling," or the shbillingsworth either.
The Gentleman's contains the commencement of a story by the
poet." We are glad that the claims of rival writers are now arranged,


even though Mr. Buchansn's premiership has been settled by adver-
tisement and not by criticism. Mr. Hepworth Dixon explains his
views on the Suez Canal purchase lucidly. We think, however, that
literature rather than politics is his line. Recollections of Writers "
can hardly be intended for general readers, but the Table Talk is
brightening up somewhat. Tinsley's has a new story from the pen of
Mr. Farjeon, "The Duchess of Rosemary Lane." This popular author
is making a somewhat novel venture, and though novelty should be
the principal feature in novels, it is so rare an exception that some
wiseacres will doubtless ponder over and wonder at the innovation;
maybe will think the writer is risking his reputation. Should the
story continue as it has begun, those enthusiasts who have so far done
Mr. Farjeon more harm than good with their wholesale admiration and
short-sighted comparison will have reason-, for once, to congratulate
themselves on their correctness. The, astonishment likely to result
from this is, however, too painful to contemplate. In Londond Soiety
" Above Suspicion" is concluded. "On and Off the Stage is worth
reading, and there are some nice lines in "Waiting for Escort." In
the poem we mean, not the block.
The Sunday at Home and Leisure Hour are well to the fore in their
particular line. In the former is a German illustration called "A
Prayer for those at Sea," which we notice because it seems to be in-
serted on its merits, unlike the numerous kindred importations so often
encountered in cheap illustrated periodicals. The Gardeners' Year-
Book comes this month with the Journal of Horticulture, and both,
though they teem of things earthy, are "none so dusty after all."
We have also received:-St. Nicholas (the juvenile Scribner), All
the World Over, the Nautical Magazine, Hardwicke's Science Gossip,
Once a Week, Westminster Papers, Golden Hours, Journal of Horticulture,
Photographic News, Gardener's Magazine, &c., &c.

Sow it ought.
THE Prince of Wales has knighted Mr. Hogg, of Calcutta. This
quite atones for the pig-sticking.


F UNJ [JANUARY 12, 1876.

. HisiX' iflt I,,i iiuiifiIle,, ill 7 A ill i|








JANUARY 12, 1876.] TIU 33


THE DOMESTIC SERVANT DIFFICULTY.
ITS SOLU TION.

1.-SERENADE. (Br ouR DISTRACTED HOUSEHOLDER.)
OH, beautiful Slavey! Oh, hear my lay!
My bosom is heavy-my hair is grey,
My sorrow no words can speak:
For, though I am owner of gold and lands,
I've polished my boots with mine own fair hands
For many.a weary week!
I'veltaken the frying-pan off the shelf,
And frizzled my dinner my lovely self;
I've polished the plate on my own front do-r,
And sifted the cinders, and scrubbed the floor-
Till it's oh, and alack!
For my hands are black,
And my knuckles-and knees are sore!
Turn, Turn.
So come to me, come to me, Slavey dear-
I'll give thee a thousand, at least, a year;
My uttermost farthing with thee I'll share,
And load thee with fivers to curl thy hair!
Oh, beautiful Slavey! Oh, hear me sing!
For cleaning the steps is a kind of thing
At which I was always bad:
I never was clever at making tea,
And cooking a cabbage is Greek to me,
And.threatens to drive me mad.
I never can properly make the bed;
My puddings are horrible-worse than lead-
And when I endeavour to make a pie
I butter my trousers,and boots and tie-
And I wallow -in lard;
And the crust -is hard;
An& then .1 .bgin to. Cry!
Tum, Tumn.
So come to me, come to me, Slavey mine,
And numberless pearls in thy hair shall twine:
I'll give theea, million, or; more, a year-
I even will marry thee, Slavey dear!

It.-RESPONSE. ,(Br OUR INDEPENDENT HELP.)
I do not care
To curl my hair
With- "fivers"-no, indeed, not I!
For strings, of pearls
To. deck my curls
I wouldn't give ,a single sigh.
Be-twenty pounds
My. guerdon's:-bunds.-
'Then,,if thou wilt but swear ;tome
Thou wilt on all
Occasions call
Me Lady-help "-I'll come to thee!


PRACTICAL ACQUAINTANCE.
A MELODRAMA IN EVERY ACT.
ScEas: A study. JONES (eminent topical writer),diisevere0 ,tooriti ig
table.
JONES. Let me see. Leader onMayfair murder, review of Six
Weeks in India," essay upon Is'Vivisection Painful?" and half a
dozen "scraps." A. good'morning's work. Let me at once become
practically acquainted with my subjects. No man can write con-'
scientiously without personal knowledge of what he is describing.
(Cilf.) Mrs. Jones!
Enter Mrs. J. -meekly.
Mrs. J. You called, my love ?
Jonas. Yes. .Take the .paper and read me the (particulars of the,
Mayfair murder. : Skip the introduction and begin with the act.
Mrs. J. (reading). ,'f He,then: dragged his wife byitheidair of-her
head across the room,, and, opening the window, flung, her violently
into the courtyard below." '
'-o9sm. Right! 'Open that.window. (She -does oi.) -I3Qes,-:itjokB
into a ,cortyard ?
-Mrs. J., (meekly). No,'my love.
Jowns. Thoa 4det,n paskrupro r furniture. and remove at.pnoa.tor.
house where the window does look into a courtyard. (They,-do a.) &


Mrs. J. (arranging furniture in new house). Anything else, my love ?
JONES. Yes, open the window. (She does so. JONES drags her once
round the room by her hair and flings her into the courtyard below,. A
pause.) Are you dead ?
Mrs. J. (meekly from courtyard.) Not quite, my love.
JONEs. Then lie still and don't talk, while I get on with Six
Weeks in India." Let me see-heads of chapters: Excessive Heat"''
Serpents," Elephants," Yellow Fever," &c. Hum. ({Clls.)
Jane!
Enter Housemaid.
JANE. What is it, sir ?
JONES. Go and buy me some serpents, some elephants, and sope
men with yellow fever, and when you come back set fire to the hpope
to make .me feel hot. I must have a practical acquaintance with tbhe
subjects. Here is a shilling, and mind ypu bring the right ch e.
(Exit JANE. JONES calls out of window.) I wish you'd make e
and die, Mrs. Jones, that leader's wanted at four anl it's nearly 'e
now.
Mrs. J. (meekly from courtyard). I think if yeu were to drop e
library table on me I would manage it, dear.
JONEs. Don't be a fool, the murderer didn't aasiWt his wile wA* a
table, and I can't import a foreign element into the affair. I" Ast
get on with something else for a bit. Let me see-" Is Vivisaon
Painful?" That'll do. (Calls.) Charles!
Enter Handy Boy.
CHARLES. Vant me, guv'nor ?
JONES. Yes, go into the next room and- bripg.~e a large knie, an
operating table, a glass receptacle, and an air puAp (CHALnas E w so.
tpiES takes up pamphlet, Sioe Cases of VF v, eotwiL," and reeae,:--
."Taaninmal.ws held forcibly on the operating tcble." Ch(arle.,:..id
mne-forcibly qn .theoperating table. (Dcm ao.) His skin .wp r.r. a
remcred from the body with a sharp knife"-Charlie, remo.ve.rhy skin
with a sharp knife (does so)-" and he was dropped .into g -.
receptacle -from which the air had been exhausjtrd." Charlea, .rpjpt
in the .glasreceptacleand exhaust the air. (IDqs sp' )
Ca .n.,s. Lio on, guv'nov. (No reply.)
Mrs. J.- (syekly from courtyard.) I shal,-:e dead in two Pmin*s
now, my love.
JANE (rushing in). Here's the serpents, and the elephants, ansisae
yellow fevers, sir, and I've set the house afire, and-
Enter Editor up Fire-escape.
EDITOR (in passion). Now then, Jopnes, where the deuce is your copy
Hullo! here! II say !
(The buildiug is enveloped in flames, and gives way wfith a crash as scepe
closes.)

HOUSES OF CALL.
For Bankers ............ The Cheluers.
For Bakers ............. The Friend in;Knead.
For Shoemakers.......... The, FirsLand Last.
For Tailors ............. Paddy'p foose.
For. Sculptors............ The White 'Art,
For Actors .............. The Ben" Jonsop.
For Paper Makers ...... The Raglan.
For Policemen .......... The A 1.
For Egg.Merchants ...... The Adelaide.
,For Betting:Men ........ The Golden Flewp.

:S. ,ay S.
AN, amusing story-so it is called-is current.at eOokfield about,a
carrier and his dog. It seems to us, aftDe a hard struggle with
Sussex paper supposed to tell the tale, th t amusement consists--,n
the South Coast-in leaving the point out of a story. This is evideoy
done in the interests of those who consider humour an insult .,*d
originality -a crime. Strange as it may seem, we aresoonlikely to
find that the South Coast includes the,whole of. this, island,..Scotland
and all.

Resignation -Rewarded.
THE Viceroy of India is aboA.t to resign, and in consideration of
-his services her Majesty will grant him u Easrldom. ThiaTis ani y
intimation of coming events.

TW Cry Palalce.is now open to .the ,public p on;, odays a, tix-
-pence a-head. Such cheap. amusement e4quld. ,pmnan4Anes.
jIf uns, were allowed, in j.ourl ,e.phou re iarkc-at ]tadnher
,rate,it ought.
irhoyZEie.ii Ai~ oNpaHOLD.-The Peruai i ia;]a not.bs 4 ee.
ite bite.








34 F



:7. -


UN.


A DIVIDED DUTY.
"I SAY, JIMIMER; YOU KNOW WHAT TEACHER WAS A SAYIN' ABOUT WE
MUST WATCH AND PRAY. S'POSE YOU STOP 'ERE AND PRAY, WHILE I WATCH
AT THE END OP THE COURT FOR BILLY PURVIS AND CHUMP 'IM OVER THE
,ED WITH 'ARF A BRICK AS 'E GOES BY "


"LIBERAL" CONSERVATISM.
THERE will probably be a great dearth of Conservative newspaper
editors in Londo:.x shortly, in consequence of the appearance of an
advertisement in the Athenceum, addressed to literary men," which
states that there is wanted, for a first-class Conservative Provincial
Newspaper, a gentleman to undertake the management of the whole
literary work required. He must be competent to write leaders, sub-
edit the paper, and occasionally to assist in reporting, and must be a
shorthand writer." This splendid offer could only come frem a Con-
servative quarter. Had an editor, &c., been wanted for a so-called
Liberal newspaper we might have expected to find the above simple
list of duties extended by an intimation that, in addition to the
management, leader-wri ing, sub-editing and reporting duties, the
fortunate individual selecrd would be required to assist in the reading,
help in the composition, 1. nd a hand with the machinery, take a turn
in the stoke-hole, and fill up a portion of his superfluous time in selling
the paper at the street corner. This latter duty is said to be already
performed by the staff of a very cheap contemporary. We shall never
again have a doubt as to the existence of Liberal Conservatism.

OUGHT you to call an Admiralty Judge, Your Warship ?"


[JANUARY 12, 1876.


THE PRINCE TA-RA-LA.
THE Prince he has sailed in a gay gilded ship,
Now calling at Athens and Aden and Cairo;
They've shown him the wonders, the joys, of the trip,
The marvels of Greece and the glories of Pharaoh.
Still on he has sailed in his vessel so fine-
Sailed on to the land where old kings in their glory
Oft melted their jewels to sweeten their wine;-
All this we are told, but it may be a story."
Here Sultans and Rajabs, Grand Viziers and Khans,
All vied with each other in gorgeous displaying,
To feast and to honour him in their divans;-
The Prince had a rare merry tinie when awaying-
With hunting the tiger, and sticking the pig,"
With woodcocks or anything else that was handy,
Grand banquets and balls with "good health," toast,
and jig,
And elephant sport in the sweet groves of Kandy.
While poor little wife was moping and sad-
'Tis true that her babes gave her blissful emotion;
She sent for her mother, she sent for her dad,
Likewise for her sister from over the ocean.
Said our Queen to the Princess, My own little pet,
Your sons, like their father, in beauty will grow, dear;
Because he is absent you never must fret-
He has gone for the glory of England, you know, dear.
"So courage, sweet heart, and dry up the sad tear,
I know you're a good and a dutiful daughter,
Your Christmastide dinner! There, eat it this year
In your own Copenhagen that lies by the water.
"And when you return in the beautiful spring,
All gushing and glad with new life and declat, dear,
May joy fill each heart while the loud voices ring
In welcome to you and the Prince Ta-ra-la, dear."

Fancy Work on Kid.
THE French lady who killed six of her children by
sticking needles into them has been executed. She
carried the use of the needle to such a perfection and
finished her work off so thoroughly, that she lost her
head in consequence.


Ratting it.
A VERMIN EXTERMINATOR," resident near Ealing, advertises himself
as purveyor to her Majesty's Government." What the Government
can want with rats it is hard to say, unless it be to supply the places of
those which we are told are always the first to leave sinking ships.
Surely they don't want more of either than they've already got at St.
Stephen's.
Christmas Weights.
AN engaged couple, sitting in church at Cherry Burton, were
recently severely injured by the fall of an enormous clockweight,
which, as a local paper humorously puts it, alighted on their heads.
Looking at the character of the damaging agent it is absurd for the
same journal to head its paragraph, Untimely interruption of a tdte-d-
tgte." Still, it must have been a blow to both of them.

Cruel Kindness.
A CAT is popularly supposed to be fond of her offspring. A popular
delusion She is constantly licking them.

A DENSE Foo.-The mind of a Conservative leader writer.


TAYLOR'S PATENT ADI
See th Sae, or sed for SEWING.m u u
or tDriYFid To:" ie MACHINES CA B R '
"ARE THE VERY BEST." .

ItsheA'ett All Chemtists C N AE ENC
1r B rca & o.se, ,( s tat
(D. CALTHROPs.) S\ os. dSan PRi' E-SOLUBLE--REFRESHING.
rined. AJ R OP &o.8.1 Phon d ofors., EC*stt. Andree s CA TUTION.-X f Cocoa tkhe-en, in t ohe ist pe the d.i ti.da, n stard. &.
Printed by JUDD & CO.. Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dcetors' Commouns, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Pleet-street, E.C.-Lontdon Jan. 12, 1876.









JANUARY 19, 1876.]


FUN 235


THE FANCY BALL.
(Br Oua LUNATIC LAUREATE.)
AT Colney Hatch-delightful place!-
The home of beauty, wit, and grace,
We've lately had a party.
The rooms were full of titled folks
Who wagged their heads and cracked their jokes.
(1 chaperoned Astarte.)
We had a job with Charles the First,
Who kicked his crown, and swore and curst
Because his head was missing.
His son was there, but wouldn't dance,
Because of Cromwell's mocking glance
And aggravating hissing.
A chap from St. Helena's isle
Dropped in a moment to beguile
(" The Corporal" they call him);
But Wellington set up a shout,
And, falling on him, kicked him out,
While Blucher helped to maul him.
Old Doctor Johnson hobbled in,
And made a pun and snuffed his chin,
While Boswell kept him talking
But when the fun was at its height,
They bowed and wished us all good-night,
Away to Fleet-street walking.
I noted, too, a batch of queens,
Just fresh from history's moving scenes-
Elizabeth and Mary.
And dainty dames our hearts to win-
Fair Rosamond and Mistress Gwynne,
And Marlbrook's artful Sairey."
Rude daylight caught us all too soon,
The fiddle played its final tune,
And sleep assailed our peepers.
Still often in our lonely cells
We madmen dream of vanished belles,
And "polka" with our keepers.


Man and Manners.
THE chairman of a Manx celebration in Manchester,
lately gave the first loyal toast as The Queen of Man."
We shall have Manx muddlers calling her Majesty
c' The Man Queen" next.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
SOMETHING undefinably painful, and quite as undefinably pleasant,
strikes one upon entering the room containing the work by which
young Frederick Walker made name and fame-made himself worthy
of becoming an Associate of the Forty who are England's glory in
art. Such rapid improvement in and gradual mastery of every detail
of both oil and water-colour are shown to anyone who cares to follow
his career, even casually, by means of his works, that surprise on one
hand is checked by wonder on the other-wonder at what would have
been the result had this young founder of a fresh school but lived till
the spring of genius had been toned and softened by the summer of
success. Not pecuniary success-that he had achieved long before:;
but the success which comes only to the truly great in art or literature,
that which no money can buy and no amount of friendly praise can
rival. From wood-blocks to water-colours, from water-colours to
those specimens in oil which year by year made the appreciative
marvel, steadily Walker pursued his path, until quietly he passed
away at an age when other men-men of choice gifts, too, perchance-
are yet wondering whether they will make the slightest mark upon
their time, and have hardly settled in their own minds how it is to be
done, if it is to be done at all. In a kindly preface .to the catalogue
we are told how Walker, quite a boy, about fifteen years ago made
his first application for work to the then Editor of Once a Week, and
how those on the look-out for rising talent soon had reason to con-
gratulate themselves on having given the youth an opportunity. The
exhibition itself concludes the story commenced with such promise;
therein is gathered all that can be got together of the dead painter's
work. Walker had true poetic fire and delicacy, and though those
who look at a picture only as so much colour upon so many inches of
canvas may find fault here and there with small details and
mannerisms, our appreciation of him is based on much higher grounds
than these, which, be it remembered, are themselves matter open to


"NOW THEN I"
"HOw DARE YOU THROW STONES LIKE THAT, YOU BAD BOY ? YOU VERY
NEARLY INJURED MY CRANIUM'! "
INJURED YOUR CRAYUM WHY WHAT IS YER CRAYNUM-I AIN'T NEVER
SEEN ONE? WHY I'VB NEVER THROWED A STONE AT A CRAYNUM IN MY
LIFE "


criticism, to praise or blame, according to the taste and education of
the critic. Walker's water-colours are perfection; it is only fair to
suppose he would, in the fulness of time, have developed the same
quality in oils; and even as it is we may look a long time at the
works of our greatest modern masters before finding anything to
equal "The Bathers or The Right of Way," the latter being, for
delicacy of conception and power of detail, a perfectly unique speci-
men of art. Those who affect not to care for painters of the present
day, as well as those who consider youth an offence only to be wiped
out by the slow process of time, may have their opinions very con-
siderably modified by an inspection of the collection now on view at
168, New Bond-street, W.
We are pleased to record that Mr. William Senior, for some years
one of the principal descriptive writers on the Daily News, was enter-
tained at a banquet the other night by his brother journalists previous
to his departing for Queensland, where he will be officially engaged.
The gathering was at Willis's Rooms, and was composed almost
exclusively of journalists. So exclusively, that although many of the
best writers on our best papers were present, those who think the
greatest men on the press are those who get their names in print
oftenest might have been inclined to sneer at the insignificance of the
compliment paid Mr. Senior. But from a purely journalistic point of
view-the point of view of the promoters-the event was a success in the
very way that most similar attempts become merelypretentious failures.


Whey'd in the Balance.
A WRITER in the Animal World says that "a tenant erected a
pump in his piggery to pump the whey out of the cheese-room. One
day I saw an old pig deliberately take the handle of the pump into
his mouth and pump itself some whey." This, after all, is only a
new whey of telling an old story." Brown says it makes his blood
curdle to read things which are so very like a wheyle."


VOL. XXIII.









36 F U N [JTAuarT 19, 1876.


PUNf OnPIS, Wednesday, Tan. 19, 1876.
[CARTOON.]
NOTES OF PREPARATION.
MODERNISED FRAGMENT OF AN ANCIENT CHRONICLE.
IT is the good Sir Harcourt, and he summons to the fray
The young and old, the brave and'bold, and points to them the way;
Right cheerily he urges on his legions to attack-
He points the way, and who shall'say his followers stand back ?
Sir Harcourt is the bravest knight that ever trod the stump,
His verbal flow, now fast now slow, streams out as from a pump;
His tone is loud and dignified, as one who all things knows-
'Tis royal blood-no liquid mud that through his system flows.
*
But suddenly Sir Harcourt gives some unexpected- turns:
Not he to lead-not he, indeed! in him no, ardour burns.
He's only there td give advice; let others lead the vanB---
And when you're led, obey your head, for he's the proper man!"
'Tis then Sir Harcourt drops behind, and leaves the leader clear,
And beingwtold';te.Britons bold shout Hartington isihere!"
Sir Hardourfts drlty's to advise, 'tis Hartington's to fight;
Upon their way:tlihygo this day-we trust their way is right!
-5---
OaR Justiea -oette and some of:their actions have called for td16 interference of the
Home Secretairy. This''seems so much a matter of course, and is of
such constant .reurrenee, that the public now take little notice when
a fresh outbreak' of J-tstibiary justice and Secretarial interference
come round in turn, untessiit be to fix more firmlyin theiri.minds the
already strongly planteddiversion for the Great 'Unpaid. ThEre has,
within the past.few yeavs;' grown up a positive and 'unalterab1emotion
that whatever a Justice'of4he Peace' may loit:forms the: exception
which' proves the poet' rulyeand is wrong., ThkA 'th&isunismfair it
only ik avery hlt il consideration to show, and as-.we havwnever
failed to express, our opinions of shortcomings among J.P.'s, we can
afford to point without suspicion 'of feeling or favour to what is due
to those who call themselves by the ambiguous word Justice. Some
excitement has lately been caused by information that a man had been
sent to prison for cutting a cabbage under the impression that the
vegetation on the ground was waste, and was to be ." ploughed in."
Everybody was ready with a bad word for the Bench, the cabbage-
cutter was speedily as pure-souled as poor humanity can be, and the
action of the Home Secretary, who is known to be rather uncon-
servative in these matters, was watched for with anxiety. But for
once the Unpaid Bench has the best of it; the cabbage-cutter is proved
to be a tramp and vagrant of the commonest and most unromantic
order, who deserved at least as much as he got, and probably wouldn't,
during this season, have minded more. From all this we obtain the
lesson, by no means novel,- but certainly worth the retelling, that
every act of a man or body of men is not bound to be. bad simply
because that same man or body of men happens to be stupid or ill-
favoured, or subject to attacks of periodically recurrent imbecility.


TO AN OLD CYNIC.
Ho! ancient man with wrinkled skin,
Whose heart is ice and whose soul is sear,
All your aim is money to win-
Oh, if you could but again begin!,
Take a look back for forty year.
Take a long look o'er all that time,
And show what you've done for public weal.
Ever your course is marked with slime,
And dirt, and venom, and Grub-street grime:
Take a look back-now how d'ye feel!

." Teach your Grandmother !"
WE have received a slip containing an article on Eggs, and a
written permission "to quiz or criticise." Now why is this permit
like ova packed for exportation ? (N.B.-If it will make the answer
any easier, the question can be turned ova and the word exportation
substituted.) Because-and you are requested not to laugh till you
hear, and hearing, understand-because, its Eggs-straw-dinary. We
trust this will meet the eggspectations of our eggsacting readers.

A Good Lift.
THE Court Circular" informs us that "Prince Leopold has taken up
his abode at Boyton Codford." Perhaps he didn't like to keep it
down in such a strange locality.


THE ARTLESS SERVANT MAID;
OR,
Every Home its Own Music Hall.

("As superior to the absurd drivel called The Improvident Householder as it
is possible to conceive."-See Advertisements.)


No. I.-ROMANCE. (Mrs. Jinks's Song.)
" OH, butcher-man with oily hair,
The skies are blue, the world is fair:
Oh, lend me but thy kindly aid
To find a little servant-maid."
Lulliety-lal-la.
The butcher's voice was soft and low;
The butcher had an air of woe:-
"There came a maid but yesterday,
But she has gone and em-mee-gr&."
Trallal la lulluliety trallal la.
" Oh, baker-man, who vendest bread,
The skies are clouding overhead!
A servant-maid, when thou shalt see,
I prithee send her round to me."
Lulliety-lal-la.
The baker frowned the tearful frown,
Of one who in the mouth is down:-
There was a maid of tender age,
But she has taken to the stage."
Trallal la lulluliety trallal la.
"Oh, grocer-man, the skies are black
And gloomy with the driving wrack;
If e'er by thee a maid be found,
Be good enough to send her round."
Lulliety-lal-la.
The kindly grocer, grieving, took
My name, and placed it in a book :-
"I knew a little servant-girl,
But she is wedded to an earl!"
Trallal la lulluliety trallal la.
(Mrs. Jinks will again oblige presently.)


No. II.-"I'M QUITE U-NIQUE!"
(Elvira, the Servant-maid's Song.)
I'm a grade too good-lookin'
To demean myself by cooking ;
And I couldn't clean a winder, and I ain't no good:
But you needn't stand and waver,
For I'm coming' as a favour-
And there ain't another slavey in the neigh-ber-'ood.
CHORUS. Sing tiddy-iddy-iddity and tun-tmn-tay;
You needn't go a-sneerm' so, nor sending' me away;
For any other slavey you may vainly seek,
As I'm the only specimen, and quite U-nique!


I









JANuAnY 19, 1876.]


FUN.


I'll array myself in batting,
And I'll do a little tatting,
And I'll play the grand pianner, as a lady should;
I must have a lot of leisure,
And be treated as a treasure-
For there ain't another slavey in the neigh-ber-'ood!
CHonus. Sing tiddy,& c.
Now I ain't to be corrected,
1Mor I ain't to be inspected,
As I wish it to be definitely understood-
Or I beg to give you warning'
As I'll leave to-morrer mornin'-
And there ain't-another slavey in the neigh-ber-'ood!
SCHO us. Sing tiddy,,&c.

.-No. III.-" SHE'LL THREATEN TO LEAVE!"
(Mrs. Jinks's Song.)
Oh, when for the dinner you wait
From six till a quarter to eight,
Amd-dishes, my hubby, are greasy and grubby,
Arid forks, in a horrible state;
When underdone cabbages hold
Warm water, and maggots, and mould:
Anmd muttnms. vastly .eviting and -ghastly,
AzifjU&ty,Eidd greasy, and cold-
I beg you, I beg you, to simper and smile,
And bear with it, bear with itall for a while;
Oh, let not Elvira your anger perceive-
We musn't offend her-She'll threaten to leave !
When chance your propriety scares
By showing you soot on the stairs,
Or haply disclosing a:saucepan reposing
On one' of the dawi oom chairs;
And oh, when theellower loots
Your collars; andwine,.andcheeroots,
And finally passesio smashingthe glasses
And hiding itheits in your hoots-
I beg Tyu, L.beg'younto;-imper and smile,
Pretendingyonre Tvery contented the while;
Elvira with iBidgaswe-anusn't aggrieve,
For if -we.ofenZher- .he'll threaten to leave !
And when inithe-maormng you're down,
Intent upon-going to town,
My hubby, supposingElvira is dozing,
You musn't be surly and frown!
But open the shutters with glee
And, finding your coffee (or tea),
Set light to the firing, you're haply requiring,
And scuttle away to E.C.
Oh, never, I beg you, be angry and sneer,
But flatter the servant and call her a dear;
Addressing her softly in recitative; -
We musn't offendher-She'll threaten to leave !

No. IV.-" THE SPOONS ARE GONE, AS WELL!"
(Jinks's Song. Just out. Free by post .)


No.V.-"THAT AFFAIR OF J.I"NKS'S!"
(The newsdmro-neighbour-and-very-old-ohun's Song.)
Why, bless my soul, you wear anair
As grave as any Sphinx's-
You can't have heard of that affair,
Of,that afairof Jinks's? .


You can't you know, or else you'd laugh:
Let's have a glass and while we quaff
A friendly half of mild-and-stout,
By jove! I'll tell you all about
That rum affair of Jinks's!
Caonus..That rum affair of Jinks's.
Your saw that dirty servant-maid P-
The forwardest of minxes-
I thought you- knew the part she played
In that affair of Jinks's ?
Why J. himself distinctly swears
She'd light the fire with legs of chairs:
She went and hanged the dog and cat,
And spouted Jinks's Sunday hat!
That servant-maid of Jinks's.
CHORUS. That servant-maid of Jinks's.
Though Mrs. S. .possessed an eye
As sharpas-anyiylnx's,
'They found-her just a bit too sly,
That servant-maid of Jinks's.
For,on a Sunday, rather late,
She sneaked away with all the plate-
And even till the present date-
She wanders un-in-car-cer-ate-
That servant-maid of.Jinks's!
CHoRus. That servant-maid of Jinks's.

No VI.-" NO HELP' FOR EVERMORE."
Operatic Lament, with piano obbligato, by Mrs. Jinks. This composition
reaches the sublime. 1,000 stamps.

DOTS -ALND LINES.
GENERAL denunciation, fithe new Slave Circular. Present Con-
servative as well -as mathematical impossibility: Squaring the
Circular. = Nobleman sends :gift -of hams and bacon to country
hospital. Evidently he knows they are on the way to be properly
"cured." Wonder 'whether -a man saves his bacon by doing this ?
= Unfortunate case of accidental .rowning discovered. Man resident
near Windsor "cut 'his. throat -with a razor and then fell into the
water-tank." Moral: Keepclear of the water under similar circum-
stances. = Boy charged with ,deserting from the WVarspite. Would
have been rather ziard'to expect him to stay on under existing circum-
stances. = Child 'killed through drinking whisky from a bottle by
mistake. Boozle don't believe anyone ever drank whisky "by mis-
take," but thinks the spirit must have been tampered with-probably
diluted-or it couldn't have been harmful. = Man at Blackburn,
charged with attempting to murder his wife, convicted of aggravated
assault. Probably a jury of married men believed that it was so. =
Gentleman resident at Worcester gets drunk and "attacks a woman
living next door with a hammer." Evidently he only intended to
reprove her for her curious choice of a companion; but his motive was
much misunderstood. And so was the hammer. = Ruffian sent for
trial for cutting out the eye of a woman "and totally destroying it."
Once out it was hardly worth while preserving, except as a love token;
and Liverpool roughs don't wear watch chains. = Vagrant roasted
to death trying to warm himself. Another of the results of trying
too zealously. But what right have vagrants to warm themselves
except under parochial direction ? Opening of a new railway line .
at Bury St. Edmunds. Trust it will be satisfied with the St., though
it's Bury suggestive. = Mr. Disraeli presents Rev. Mr. Devine with
a living. Disraelistic Devination of the double sense of duty. = Times
publishes a long extract from Bmnbay Gazette, which contradicts almost
every statement made by Standard special. Conservative reporters
seem to evolve their camels; :maybefthe reporters fare themselves con-
served-in the back office -and :among. the enclyclopaedias. The pro-
cess is cheap. = American paper speaks of a man 109 years old,:born
in the United States. Born before his; time evidently. He evidently
has counted the Sundays a days of-rest-that is, he has hasn't counted
'em at all. = Marshal MadMahon '"pronounces." Pronunciation
very good-for a Frenchman!

(iOzlySilncies.
A FIRM in Huddersfield announces its readiness to .manuicture
"fancies to any amount. Fancy what a boon this must bet those
";new and original" authors who have hitherto been satiAS to
borrow other people's ideas and notions! There is, however, asv-
back to even the new scheme-the Huddersfield firm requzjs -lbe
paid for its fane'es," while borrowing remains as cheapd as
popular as ever.








38 IFUN. [JANUARY 19, 1876.

THE BRITISH WORKMAN.-BY ONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
PHASE IX.-HIS NOTIONS ON GRAINING.


" Now I comes to you, and I says Meogginy,' I says. Werry well,' you Then I changes my mind and I says Oak,' I says. What do you do?
says; and you combs it so, and puts twiddles with a rag. There I' Why you up and combs it lighter and puts the twiddles t'other way."


"Then I says Wornu,' I says; and you makes it werry dark and turns
the twiddles upsey down! And there's yer wornut."


" Then I ap an' I says Marble,' I says. Then yon paints it black and shies
a hegg at it, and there's yer marble


, v : e xe marble I You're a disgrace to yer father, you are!" "It's all along o' that School Board! Where's that there strap "








FU J N.-JANUARY 19, 1876.


.1


Ii
'II., 'I I'


.1


L b


ARMING FOR THE FRAY.
YE GOOD SIR HARTINGTON MAKES PREPARATION FOR YE BATTLE OF IMPENDING SESSION.
COUNSELLED BY HIS LADYE-LOVE, SWEET HARCOURT.


HE IS


* .1
~ ~i ~


, ,',N


Ii


uAff11B V4Bw
VZ^'^










JANUARY 19, 1876.]


FUN.


COGENT REASONS.
I'M not a toper bear in mind,
Nor am I one of Lawson's flock.
To have a glass I'm"oft inclined-
Pray, water-drinkers, bear the shock !
Despite Sir Wilfrid's stinging quips
I do indulge in sundry "nips!"
When winter's winds my fingergenumb-
When choked with fogs, or drenched with rain-
I now and then have goes" of rum,,
Or, yes, of gin I take a draiv,
A little grog, as I've been told
Prevents a man from taking cold.
Dyspepsia, I grieve to say,
Has grasped me in his horrid clutch-
And .oft his torments to allay.
I take of Irish"-well, not; much.
For many folks declare, you know,
That whisky's indigestion's foe.
I often feel extremely queer
When in a busy, crowded street;
Then, if a restaurant be near,
I try a drop of brandy, neat.
Whenfeeling faint, I've always found
A glass of that soon pulls me. round !
I've often ne desire to eat,
To tempt me choicest viands fail-
And that emergency I meet .
With half a pint of bitter:ale.
A draught of bitter, fresh and bright,
I find begets, an appetite.
I've given many reasons here
Why I so frequently indulge
In sundry dropsaof short" and beer.
Another reason I'll divulge
Before I cast away my pen -
I like a glass,-just now and then.

A Feeling Remark.
MR. PLIMSOLL speaking at a recent meeting declared
that he dared not express his feeling in words-he
would put it into his work. Such heavy metal is
more than likely to affect his loadline.


THADY O'GRADY; OR, "MISUNDERSTOOD."
THADY O'GxADY was never born; he burstupon a wonderingworld.
He never went to school; he imbibed knowledge with enthusiastic
eyes, and took in, practical experience through the pores of his skin.
He was a resident of no place. He occasionally turned up in London
at the request of her Majesty and the nobility, and as often descended
upon New York responsive to a Yankee wail for a glimpse of his
effulgence. As to his profession-well, he was a gentleman, a politi-
cian, a lawyer, a comedian, a doctor, a dramatist, a translator, a social
censor-anything that was decent and respectable, and profitable. But
actually, if you asked me to define O'Grady, I should say-using the
word in its noblest sense-that he was an idealist. All his life long he
was animated by ideas, and they were always neat ideas. It was he
who first conceived the notion of making a pasteboard pump and a
real ninepenny bucket, an object of nightly interest to his educated
fellows. It was he who proved that a St. John's Wood goddess was
the best guardian for a University boating man; it was he who staked
a good round sum that an enlightened public would prefer an Irish
comic song to all the plays that Shakespeare ever wrote-and won his
wager. He saw a moral in everything. He'd the quickest eye for a
moral of any man in the kingdom. And he wasn't selfish: he never
kept his morals to himself; he sent them to the newspapers, not
necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith. If the
clown in a pantomime sat on a baby, and the people laughed, he traced
infanticide to harlequinades. If a gentleman jumped into the water
to save a young lady from drowning, and the people applauded, he felt
sure they would all go home at once and learn to swim. If a young
fellow who'd kicked a Prime Minister turned virtuous in the fifth act
of his career, and was returned for his native borough, without a
single hiss being heard, O'Grady felt sure the world would admit kick-
ing Prime Ministers was the royal road to Parliament. If the Prime


diPy~.,
Ic II
I?


TOO MATTER-OF-FACT.
Grandmother :-" You OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YERSELF, MATILDA
ANN, TO 'A SAT WITHOUT A TEAR WHEN THE GOOD CLERGYMAN WAS A
TALKING .THAT BEAUTIFUL, AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS A WEEPIN' SO "
.atilda:-"- WHY, HOW COULD' I CRY WHEN I HADN'T GOT A POCKET
'ANDKRcHER "


Minister for the time being didn't see it, that was his misfortune, not
his fault. Poor, dear, innocent-hearted O'Grady! guileless son of the
island whose sons are fair and whose daughters are brave-how did
Fate revolving on its own axis smite thee on thy benignant head. It
was hard, it was cruel-but the world would laugh at his beautiful
morals. All the letters to the papers, all the patriotic songs, all the
daintily fed controversies, went off at a tangent and hit the comic
target of humanity, instead of the serious. If O'Grady had only been
understood, he would have been one of the noblest teachers of the age,
but he wasn't; and if he were to write an essay upon sudden death,
people would chaff him about it and suggest it was either an adver-
tisement or an elaborate joke.
Such was the [fate of one who, having bright ideas, sought to beat
them into dull heads. Let the moralist of the future shun cheap pub-
licity. Yet it seems very hard to be good and clever and generous-
and silent.

Taffy's Little Joke.
A EtHYL paper, writing about the new local Aquarium, refers some-
what enthusiastically to what we suppose were effigies of the late
Prince Consort. They are spoken of as "Prince of Wales's Fathers,"
a kind of delicate compliment to the Principality of which ihyl
forms a part that would have been quite lost on us had it not been for
our own Welsherman, whose native instincts enabled him to seize and
appropriate the joke at once, together with several other little
portable matters in the way of toasted cheese, mutton bones, and ale.
Particularly ale.

So it a P. R's.
A ONCE famous pugilist has been found dead from starvation. He
evidently wasn't able to box Harry."










42 JjLJ7*JANUARY 19, 1876.









S- AA


BLOW IT !
Young Mistress (who has just procured a girl from the country) :-" WELL, MARY, HAVE YOU PUT OUT THE GAS IN MY ROOM?
Girl:-" YES, MUM, AND A RARE JOB IT WERE TOO. I GUESS I 'BIN A-BLOWIN', JIST 'ALF-AN-HOUR 'FORE IT 'TD GOO OUT


[CHUCKING HER OUT.
(A VULGAR EXTRAVAGANZA.)
SCENE: The Fairy Sowers of Juniper. KING BONIFACE on throne (c.).
Attendant Sprite, FITINPOTMAN, serving nectar to Demons and Hays.
Eater DAME MIDDLEKINS (R.) to music. Air : Drink, pretty
creature, drink!"
BONIFACE. All ale !
DAME. No, gin; twopen'orth, if you please.
My legs won't bear me; here, I'll take my knees.
[Leans on Counter.
BOXIFACE. What! drunk again; come, mind what you're about,
Tip up the ready, or we'll chuck you out.
FITINPOTMAN. She's game, my liege, for six more twos, I think,
She's tog the nioc, for I heard it chink.
DAME. When you've done nagging, give us something hot,
I've got a shilling, and I'll blew the lot.
[FITINrorTAN serves DAME, who becomes rapidly more intoxicated and
rolls about.
BONIFACE. You've had your bob's worth, Dame, now out you go,
Unless the price of something more you show.
DAME. I've got beneath my shawl an iron flat,
It spouts for fourpence-give us gin for that.
[FITINPOTMAN takes flat-iron and serves DAME, who gets noisy.
BONIFACE (sings, accompanying himself on a long clay pipe and short tabor).
My faithful sprite, I really think
The Dame has had too much to drink.
CHuous or CuSTOMERS. Why don't yer chuck 'er out ?
FITINPOTMAN. My gracious liege, I think you're right,
And I'm the potman who can fight.
CHORUS OF CUSTOMERSl. We'll help you chuck 'er out.
BONIFACE. These gentlemen are all agreed
The law allows, in case of need,
To chuck a drunkard out.


Just hold her nose to stop her squeals,
Then take her by the head and heels
And chuck the nuisance out.
[FITINPOTMAN seizes DAME by the hair, knocks her head against wall, and
throws her violently outside the grand entrance of Fairy Bowers. Grand
Ballet of Customers. At conclusion enter a Fairy Policeman.
FAIRY POLICEMAN. King Boniface, oh, here's a jolly lark,
The Dame outside has slipped her vital spark!
[Customers run out and drag in body.
FIRST CUSTOMER. Oh crikey, Bill! she's tumbled on her head.
BONIFAcn. Go on, she's drunk.
FIRST CUSTOMER. She may be, but she's dead.
BONIFACE (weeps). Alas poor creature, gone with all her sins
Beyond the reach of Brandies, Rums, and Gins.
I chucked her out, you know, to keep her quiet;
She'd spent her coin, and kicked up quite a riot.
FAIRY POLICEMAN. You did your duty, for the law allows
No drunken person longer to carouse,
Her money spent she was no use to you,
'Twas charity to split her skull in two.
[Grand Procession of Parish Authorities, who remove body to Mortuary.
Fairies do homage to BONIFACE and FITINPOTMAN. Demons and Hags
crowd round and fling money at their feet. Grand Transformation
Scene: Killing no Murder." Blue ruin and Curtain.


His Worship.
A SuRREY Mayor complained lately to his Council that the seat in
church provided for him was not sufficiently comfortable-besides, in
leaning back he injured his mayor's chain. A cushion was accord-
ingly voted for him. We should have thought a nice little nest,"
would have been not only more comfortable, but more suitable to the
dignity of office. Nfest ce pas?









FUN.


-MORE AUGSPURIOUS ANTICIPATION.'
(PREPARATIONS FOR THE COMING CAMPAIGN.)
Sm,-The generous, not to say prompt, manner in which you
responded to my effort of last week, and the fact that during the
deadest portion of the unturfic season there is nothing else to do,
cause me to send in another contribution, and to hope that your
generous feeling for one who etcetera will not have passed away. You
will notice that I say the deadest portion of the season, which is, I
suppose, right, as I took it down in shorthand from a sporting paper,
which was not to be detained more than ten minutes after bespoke.
It is a privilege of the racing season that at one time it can be
deader than at others-a privilege granted, I believe, by the Jockey
Club, which is at once the most exclusive and far-seeing of institu-
tions. All members must be of stable mind, and the discovery of at
least two mares' nests is necessary before anyone, no matter how
great, is eligible even for becoming a visitor. Every movement in
the way of reform is bound by this body to be made backward, and
each member has to read a chapter of the Stud Book before breakfast
every morning, and then canter gently over the Rowley Mile with
8st. 101b. up, h. forfeit. I never hear of the Jockey-Club without
imagining what a splendid thing it would be to, get an appointment as
poet to that great institution. Of course the first effort would be
"The Admiral's Soliloquy," which would run thus:-
Within the season's deadest time how could I feel afraid ?
How could I fear that anyone could Rous on Racing snub ?
For have I not the handicaps for years unnumbered made ?
And am I not a steward of the jocund Jockey Club ?
What tho'railways run o'er England and there's steam uponthesea!-
I hug.myself with humour as I take my morning tub ;
For 'twas I wrote Rous on Racing," that's the sort of book for me,
AndI've given gratis copies to all members of the Club.
When I gp down to Epsom on the dreadful Derby-day,'
And watch the cockneys carry-on, and take both grub and bub-
How I'd.teach 'em Rous on Racing," if I only knew the way,
And I'd gather in subscriptions for Newmarket and the Club.
And so on as per sample. I don't think Moses's man would have a
chance with me, and I trust, sire that by means of your columns and
apt advatilation's artfel- aid, theAdmiral may rouse other members
of the club to a sense of the duties of their position, and that the
appointment may be made for one who etcetera and knows no guile.
But I have strayed from my text, which was to point out to you
and your readers a few of the most probable events of A.D.-Andy
Diluvidum, as a well-known bookmaker explained to me the other
day-1876. The same gentleman gave me a good deal of other infor-
mation of a still more useful kind, of which the following is a
summary sort of an extract. The Derby will this year be won by a
three-year-old; there will be more people than ever present, and
exactly nine-tenths of them will wonder how they missed such a
positive certainty as it will appear from afterwards. The Oxford and
Cambridge boatrace will be rowed by eights, and one of two shades
of blue, light or dark, will be sure to win. The best way is to take
odds about one boat, and then lay evens, or less, against it. Winning
may be reduced to a positive certainty by .pursuing this plan
thoroughly. Always hold the stakes yourself; it's a point in your
favour, and there's no knowing what may happen to the man with
whom you bet. He might win and forget all about it-and so might
you. I knew a man once who made a lot of bets, and forgot all about
them, and he held the stakes. I believe he was strictly hohourable,
but he had a dreadfully short memory, and couldn't for a long time
remember whether he had won or lost. By the time he did
remember the money was gone; and so, as he said, the best thing
was to begin all over again, and make him stakeholder just to keep
his memory green." That's all I can remember just now.
(Signed) AUGSPUn.

That Heathen Chinee."
IT appears that we have all been mistaken about that Heathen
Chinee." According to the leading paper of San Francisco, wherever
he appears he beats civilized races out of the field. It is asked with
sadness, If the offscourings of China are such splendid traders, what
will become of the Anglo-Saxon when the most intelligent of China-
men takes his walks abroad ?" We don't intend to answer this
question, and only print it to show how glad we are to find that
England is not the only country which is just now suffering from the
absurdity of China-mania.

Baddeley's Bequest.
THE Twelfth Night celebration at Drury-lane should be put a stop
to at once. It is a dreadful thing that actors should be Baddeley
treated at the National Theatre.


CRABBED."
THE LAMENT OF A BLIGHTED GaNIUS.
I OpTN. wish that I had lived before the folks were born
Who've left the author's book of life'so tattered, thumbed, and torn
There's nothing now to write about that's not been done before,-
How can one be as fresh as men who wrote in days of yore ?
If Shakespeare hadn't taken all the incidents of life,
And laid the human heart as bare as e'er did surgeon's knife,
I think I would have found some plots for very novel plays,
And borne away dramatic palms in these adapting days.
If, in a thoughtful frame of mind, some fellows had not found
That this terrestrial sphere of ours undoubtedly is round,
I'm sure I should have seen at once it never could be flat;
Alas! it's not my luck to make discoveries like that.
'Then Stephenson and Watts, the fools! got tamperinlg_'wiftsteam,
And raised a power which far surpassed the ancients' wildest dream.
If they had only held their tongues, or tried another way,
I might have been the greatest man in all the world to-day.
'Twas most unlucky for my fame that Caxton e'er should think'.
Of making print a substitute for pencil, pen, and ink;
If he and Gutenburg, you know, had died when they were young,
As fatherpof the Printing Press my praises had been sung.
In modern days still Fate pursues and checks my ready wit:
Some meddlers rush at all the plans on which I Ishould have hit.
If Webb had been a cabman, I should then have been the one
To show how o'er the Silver Streak a journey might be done.
The Penny Post, the Penny Press--theybothfwere schemes of mine.
A simple thing, I always thought, a subterranean line :
The Channel Tunnel, years ago, in fancy I had made,
And in my dreams beneath the sea Id twenty cables laid.
It's hard to think with plans like these I might have made a name,
If people had not started up to rob me of my fame;
Yet while I brood upon my wrongs, I can't help feeling glad
Some fellow was before me with the Modern I.onclad.

A Debt of Honour.
WE see it stated that Mr. Frederick P. Lempriere, a grandson of the
well-known author of the Classical Dictionary," is in a starving
condition with his family at, Wiveliscombe, Somersetshire. It is said
that something ought to be done for him. Why not impose a royalty
on every extract or reference from the book entitlel-Lempriere that
is worked into a daily paper article as original information? This
would soon relieve the unfortunate descendant of the dictionary doctor,
and make Wiveliscombe postmen wonder what on earth was the matter
as well.
Pocket Luck.
ALDERMAN HOGAN, of Limerick, suggests that the pockets of the
local night watchmen should be made large enough to hold a quart of
whisky. The Alderman thinks the men should perform their duty
with spirit. Perhaps he will drop in for Macbeth's curse, for his cry
is evidently-" Hold, enough! "

The Nightingale's Note.
FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE has forwarded 10 to the Mansion House
for the benefit of the sufferers by the loss of the Goliath training ship.
The gift is not likely to be forgotten by the boys, for when they
become full blown (joke!) sailors they will have many a night in gales
to remind them of the name of their kind benefactress.

The lantell of Justice.
SIR JOHN MANTELL has sentenced another man to three months'
imprisonment for sleeping near a brick kila for the sake of the warmth.
The culprit had his share of the fireplace, and now he has his Mantell
piece of justice.

Army Virumque, &c.
Ms. HOILMS, IM.P. for Hackney, is going to reform the army. He
takes great interest in its welfare, and so he ought, for it is a personal
question with -him. Our soldiers' first duty is to protect the Hearths
and Holms of England.

A Parsee Proverb.
BAD manners may be forgiven, but false grammar cannot be
parsed over!
A REAL BAND or HOPr."-Labourers waiting to be hired.


JANuARY 19, 1876.]










-_. _

4, I 1
PO
'or,


HEIGHO I THE WIND AND THE RAIN."
Here is a charitable lady, clad in furs; with footwarmers and every other aid of comfort, who can't understand why the poor little lightly-clad
shop-girl should shiver and shake while showing the wares brought outside to save trouble." Neither can we-it's really shocking to think of such
presunmptioi !/


TRUE KINDNESS.
WHEN times are hard, and things go wrong,
And fickle Fortune's vicious,
Forsaken by the selfish throng,
Who waited on success so long,
E'en Trustful feels suspicious:
Suspicious of the kindly tone
Of men he never favoured-
Of men to whom he'd seldom shown
The kindness which his friends had known-
Friends .-faugh the word's ill-favoured.
But years run on, and Truthful's taught
This lesson, worth the learning:
That life's with many a trouble fraught,
That wisdom's all too dearly bought,
With sorrow, shame, heart-burning.
But better far than all the rest, .
When waking from his blindness,
He's taught by Trouble's trying test,
The friends who really love you best,
Are those who hide their kindness.

WANTED TO Kxow.-Is the "nimble ninepence made of quick-
silver ?


Standard Measure.
IN a list of Accidents" caused by frost in the streets we find: "In
St. George's Hospital, Police-sergeant Plant, of ;the A division, was
violently kicked in the face and head. The medical officers expressed
their astonishment that the sergeant had not been killed on the spot."
The accident seems to consist in the failure of the endeavour to kill,
a delicate notion of Conservative jocularity, for which we are indebted
to the largest daily paper." It is something indeed to have at last
discovered what constitutes a joke to such cultivated and gentlemanly
minds as those whose notion of fair play is to wait round the corner
till a man is down, and then run out and kick him well for falling.
What a providential disposition it is that keeps ability clear of the mis-
use of such cattle!
Dr. and Cr.
A NEwSPAPER paragraph states that Dr. Profitt, the Queen's Com-
missioner at Balmoral, accidentally took some poison in mistake for
ordinary medicine, and immediately became alarmingly ill, but
recovered on restoratives being administered. The balance of Profitt
was thus satisfactorily arranged without any assistance from his ere-
while constant attendant, Loss. At this time of year such a statement is
likely to cause much envy, to which peculiarity we, in this case, freely
subscribe.
WHY are ironclads like dumb men P-Because they can't be made to
answer.


RTERS' QUININE WIN
WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Hassall, M.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.- WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. AnArew's RM, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, Jan. 19, 1876.









JANUARY 26, 1876.] FUN. 45


A DREADFUL CRIME.
I FOLD my hands across my breast,
And meekly bow my guilty head;
I aren't allow mine eyes to rest
Where sit my judges stern and dread; 7at Ii
I know that from their lofty seat
Contemptuous looks are at me flung. --
Alas! their anger is but meet- I
I've dared to sing! and I am young.
I fancied, like a foolish youth,
That song was free to one and all- s
That even boys might hum, forsooth,
What dotards from the housetops bawl:
My faltering fingers struck the keys,
With trembling voice my song was sung, o0 1
Anml now I'm down upon my knees;
I dared too much for one so young.
Ah well! I own my fearful crime,
So, gentle judges, spare your blows!
Perchance I may repent in time,
For youth's a fault that quickly goes.
When riper age has wisdom brought,
And I am found your ranks among,
I'll profit by the lesson taught
And scoff at all that's fresh and young. t

Mizzle-march.
A WRITER in a Hampshire paper says he
could not help noticing that at a recent
concert at East Cowes Captain Welch, of
H. M. yacht Alberta, had in his buttonhole a
sprig of mistletoe." We should have seen in
this only a tacit as well as conscientious H STANDING TOAST.'
invitation to make him do so. Twig? STANDING TOAST."
Bervant:--"PLEAs SIRm, YOU AIN'T GOT NO BREAD, AND THE BAKER SAYS HE WON'T
ADVICE TO STAGE-MANAGERS.-Always TRUST YER ANY LONGER!"
follow a heavy five-act tragedy with a little Irate Hibernian:s-" OcH, THE MANE BASTE! No BREAD! BEDAD, THEN, I MUST HAVE
laughter piece. TOAST !"


DOTS AND LINES. A SONG OF THE THAMES.
SIR WILLIAM HAncOURT discovers that the Judicature Act will I ROWED in Springtime, when the Thames was high,
bind both branches of the legal profession more than ever together, And scarce recovered from its winter flood;
and lawyers need now never fall out. When lawyers don't fall out other I rowed in Summer, when the banks were dry,
people won't get, etc. = One-armed man sent to prison for profanity And there was very little else but mud.
at Newark. Oneder whether profanity at Newark is extra culpable, I rowed in Autumn, when our lovely clime
or whether the One-idead are opposed to the One-armed-on principle. Smeared all things with a damp and dismal mould;
= Election of Motley as an Associate of the French Academy. Per- I went and rowed again in Wintertime,
haps after this jocularity may some day be considered less than When it was just as damp and twice as cold.
criminal here. = Detachment of Russian troops "surprised by a But though the landscape changed from day to day
party of inhabitants near Syrmak. Assailants defeated with great As each successive season tinged the view,
slaughter. Surprising sort of surprise this, to us-and to the inhabi- One central figure never was away-
tants as well, most likely. = Gentleman named Crookem committed for A man who fished upon the bank at Kew !
" taking advantage of a crippled widow, and stealing from her a I've very often watched him as he stood,
watch and spectacles." Sheffielders think he ought to be rewarded, And wondered how he did it and survived;
as some folk would have taken crutches and all. = Working men of And when I asked him if the sport was good,
Middlesex wish for the privilege of serving on juries. If this is the He always said "he'd only just arrived."
working man's notion of privilege we wish him joy on his social march It maddened me so horribly to note
of improvement. Summoning officers will be ruined now people are His changeless presence, that I grieve to say
willing to serve. = Queen's Bench Justices decide in favour of the I took to throwing pebbles at his float
gentleman who bet that the earth was flat, and then went to law to To try and make him rise and go away!
get his money back. Perhaps the legal world is flat. Anyhow, a However Nature's wisdom may arrange
good deal of "squaring" takes place in it. = Mr. Sullivan, M.P., For worn out things to yield their place to new,
rejected by the Irish Bar for no other reason than that he is incapable I don't believe that anything will change
of being in two places at one time. This is a good enough Irish That man who's fishing on the bank at Kew.
reason, and should satisfy the Home Rule party-if they're logical.
But then, they'd never be Home Rulers if they were. = Governor
and Commander-in-chief appointed "to the Islands of Barbadoes, Sus per- .
Grenada, St. Vincent, Tobago, and St. Lucia, and their dependencies." THE recent unseemly publication of the eminent Miarwood's Dum-
The two dignities will be joined in one-that of Pope (Hennessy). barton wine bill has deluged us with letters containing what our
Something in a name after all. correspondents are pleased to term "jokes on the subject. Such
offenders are hereby warned that no allusion to a drop too much"
Brief and to the Point." can be tolerated "in this connection."
THE New York papers state that the coming Beecher-Moulton Out on the Loose.
trial will be a brief one. As both sides retain eminent counsel, most How difficult it is to write English. A man out on the loose gets
probably the New York papers are right. tight, and is often called mad for doing so. This is most unjust, for
how can a fellah be mad, don't you know," while he's enjoying a
SrPcuLATIvE PHILOSOPHERs.-Stockbrokers. looseid interval.

VOL. XXII.









'p

Ii.


[JANUAnY 26, 1876.


46 F1

FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 26. 1876.
[CA&rooN.]
MUDLARKERY.
SCENE: Anywhere, with statue of Public Benefactor adjacent. Enter
t-wo dirty boys with mtid and garbage, which they commence to fling at
upVyy-
FIrST Boy. Come along, Batey,
Go at it, Matey,
Picklaup the mud and bespatter his name;
See that it sticks well-
I know his tricks well--
ifrt, if well thrown, will befoul any:fame.
SECOX NsI Y. Benny, old:beauty,
I'll do my duty,
Here goes a chunk as '11 spoil-Sammy's look;
Spoil his pretensionO- -
Stop his invention"--
Write him down duffer," a*tlet's take our hook.
BOTH (derisively). Yes, he's a dufferi"
Both of us suffer,
Both are heart-broken his stories to hear.
FiseT Bor. I am a martyr,
SaeoNs B6Y. Not a dirt carter,-
BoTH; Blacken him well, and we've nothing to fear.
[Breakdown of Triumpeh whieh is speedily interrupted by the appear-
a5ee of' Poliee-constdble, Joiu'S BULL, who 'rushestoin, secuees them in the
act," and runs the-mi ivto sloatt'nusic and gener'i approbationm

A CASE tried the-other day as'to the legatfiiy of, the- practice of
cutting cocks' combs', coming, as it has done, justpat!a-time when
humanitarians, forgetful of their most prominent principles, are up in
arms and athirst for the blood of miserable moderates," is worthy, if
not of more attention than it has already received, certainly of much
more than it would merit under ordinary circumstances. As this is a
semi-sporting subject, perhaps we may be permitted to say we run
second to none in fair and practical appreciation of the services ren-
dered and the lessons taught by animals, as well as of what is due to
them from those who assume the position of guides and protectors.
This, however, so far from inclining us in favour of attempts now and
again made to secure certain small immunities for very small sufferers,
but causes us annoyance, especially when we think how much better
the same amount of force might have been employed in another and
far more deserving direction. Is it not absurd 1hat the petty ques-
tions of cruelty now and again tried should ever be brought forward,
while such glaring and monstrous sins as exist in the sporting world
are allowed to pass unchallenged ? It is worse, for such hot-headed
and purblind procedure but spoils an excellent cause. Foxes are but
vermin, and Englishmen are educated to see them drag their weary
and terror-distraught way across country-and no thought of agony
endured by these wretched creatures ever enters the mind; but what
do even fox-hunters think of that cockney carnival, a suburban stag-
hunt, under royal patronage! What, again, is to be said of the
butchery of hand-fed birds, tamer than barndoor fowls, known as
battue-shooting-what of the pigeon-matches, which we do not hesitate
to describe as sickening ? Let us, in the name of common sense, first
wipe out the foul blots before we begin to scrub so zealously at the
adjacent splashes, and let us, above all, beware of the influence of that
little knowledge which in matters like this is more than ever
dmgerous. There seems just now to be a fearful epidemic of undue
interference prevalent; the precept maybe most praiseworthy, but the
practice is undoubtedly insane. Great and famous pathologists are
taught by tyros; books are written by energetic ignoramuses to prove
that England is the home of infamy; and everybody wahts to be
teacher while nobody will be taught. The result of all this is but too
painfully apparent; and our only hope is that among the numerous
societies for the prevention of this, that, and the other, there will
shortly be one for the Suppression of those People who will Interfere
on the Slightest Provocation.

DOUBLE DISTILLED.
SAID Brown t'other day, with his head sorely aching,
"I'll never touch whisky-och, whisky's a sin."
He long kept his word but the pledge now he's breaking,
He's wearied of water diluted with gin.
While reading the papers, wrapped up in perusal,
He lights on a way to his loved one again-
Discovers a whisky that's free from all fusel;
No headache in hogsheads-to taste it he's fain.
One trial's enough, this I'll drink evermore,
Sure I ne'er take a glass, but I call out E,,,core !"


it
Ii


-Is- N-,


PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
AM.ONG the numerous works of which it is a companion issued by
Mr. Nimmo, of Edinburgh, none should attract more attention than
The Book of Noble Englishwomen. In these degenerate days, when the
noblest duty of an Englishwoman seems to be to lecture, or to preach, or
to write in the newspapers, always giving decided opinions on subjects
which have puzzled and continue to puzzle the wisest heads that are
simply male, such a book as this is indeed a consolation. In it we
find no reference to those whose desire is simply to shriek through
existence; the women who are here truly called noble fulfilled their
missions in the manner most becoming in women; sadly, maybe, but
always tenderly and lovingly, sometimes heroically. If the maxim,
Train up a child in the way he should go, is intended to apply to
juveniles of the opposite sex, and we see no reason but our own dulness
to doubt it, such a volume as this should be found in every home.
For a Good Girl" seems to be quite a natural inscription in it.
The National Nursery Book (Warne) is an imposing looking volume,
about which there is, however, no imposition. If anything, it is better
outside than in, the ninety-six full-paged coloured illustrations marking
at once and for ever the costumes and colours worn by such old
and dear friends as Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Mistress Hubbard
(of gracious and canine memory), my lord the Marquis of Carabas,
and others equally famous in legendary lore. We note as a fact
worthy of preservation by one of the numerous learned societies, that
red cloth was extremely fashionable in all the periods of which these
veracious narratives treat, and that the most important heroes were
not then above wearing the brightest of bright blue breeches. We
apologise for the use of this hitherto "unmentionable phrase, but
we had a notion of saying something about breeches of etiquette. Is
ours one, or a pair ?
The Discrepancies of Freemasonry (Hogg) is a book which must have
been intensely interesting to those most concerned in its construction,
and doubtless will be read with interest, if not pleasure, by many
of "the Craft." We fail, however, to see how it can in any way
interest the general public, or to discover how an association formed
for the purposes of philanthropy and conviviality, which very worthily
fulfils both, loses caste in any way because its history possesses dis-
crepancies." Rather the reverse, we should think; anyhow, the
subject is hardly one for general controversy.
illustrated Cincwnnati (Triibner), though but a handbook, has the
merit of being far more complete and comprehensive than similar
old-world publications. A smaller work, from the same London
agents, which treats of the railroad scenery in Pennsylvania, has
more claims than those put forth by American nature. The American
art, both in drawing and engraving, is admirable.
From the Bazaar office we have received a packet of very useful
little books, principal among which are The Canary Book (which enters
more fully into the subject than we could have believed possible, con-
sidering the size of the bird) ; Joinery for Amateurs (a plane treatise
on carpentry, not on cooing and coupling); and The leather Work Book
(which is appropriately bound in "cloth"). The advantage of these
works is, that they are evidently written by people who know at
least a little about the subjects selected, an arrangement which unfor-
tunately ig too often wanting among those who take upon themselves
the rele of handbook "experts."
Among a heap of miscellaneous books and pamphlets which we have
not space to notice in detail, the most worthy of a word are The
Musical Directory and Annual, A Practical Guide to Private Theatricals,
The Garden Oracle, by Shirley Hibberd, and the Year Book of Photo-
graphy, by Wharton Simpson. The two last named are, with their
editors, so well-known, that the mere mention of them by us is
sufficient to at once create a fresh demand and call for extra editions.
The Art Union of London issues for this year a beautifully engraved
print of Maclise's famous fresco, The Death of Nelson." Those who
only get this engraving in return for their guinea investments need
be in no way dissatisfied, while the fact that it is intended simply for
those who, by comparison, consider themselves losers, says more than
we can for the importance and position of this, the greatest legitimate
lottery in the world

-- at the Price."
SOME gentlemen are constantly sending us cuttings from an
extremely cheap but awfully nice neighbour, with all sorts of errors
and exaggerations marked thereon. This is unfair, as the things
complained of form the only efforts at originality which our con-
temporary has yet made, or seems to have any room for. Our corre-
spondents should know that it is only Irish echoes which answer
perfectly, and make no errors.

Mysterious but True.
WHY didn't Stubb's mare, "Lively Mary," win the race for the
fifty guinea cup ?-Because she was never in it !"
THE HOUSEMAID'S PLAcE.-The Pail of C:vilisation.









JANUARY 26, 1876.1


FUN.


THE MHOU.:SE; OR, --.
A' WILD *Ba ,EaQ .
SCENE: Audience Chamber in&KING GUOVM stpeJl& in'ihe realms of
..Parochia. KING G. an:,throne strrawuied &#y 3Si.staes. Mlusc as
curtain rises; ewvryone blowing his oawn t.~weut;.;;W( EI!noss in
corner playing second fiddle; :two P- speri .-.*. tiaouih p.',, winds
-rattling their.own bones.
,KINE G. (incantating). :Shades of Oakum,ETokamid Skilly
Gather-round: me willy-nilly.
xAlLthe Soumnof all the earth
.ill-theAair-mwith ribald-mirth.
amip-,and' Dirt and Workhouse-rations
-Comeawith all your fouLbrelations.
-ieath upon our counselsawait:
.Let'the-pauper see hisJate!
"'L A:noisome odour is observed, and the Parohii!r-dows wc id's group
themselves round their.!'aarith.)
Chorus of Demons.
'aingobedient to yisig,

"'W eoll-i.aik thee inh"-iidig
All thyrealms dfopov-er-tee.
ihorua&of-.Ribad snwm.
LetThe-Ior'jolks seemarufaces,
Bid-m-i2afd withoaech as we.
Only, ptranshronghAwrpae,
Jlhe fyn1l quicklyiinrn and "flee.
sse.a G. D)earings, app ttoahand hearyour:loving chief;
We&wage-arWanagaiast Out;Aeor Relief.
HSfene ome here and, -starti g, cryOfor bread,
(Or'womenrhieClbeeause their mates are dead,
"We'll tur-deaf ears to r v'ry sob auld pray'r ;-
'For-wants like.these wo have:noseanihto-spare.
MBut just their hopeoi- eitinniigartho6aouse,
We61 odferthenrthe:option of 'Uthe Fnse:"
'"(Demons place their fingers to their nose-swith eapressioie rad issppear
behind throne. VSBalan the knocker, and enter RESPECTABLE CAR'PRENTER.)
Recitation: R. OARNTEran.
My. name is Johnson: somewhere in St. Iske's
I live, the victim of foul fortune's flukes.
For four long days I haven't tasted bread,
My kids are ailing and my missus dead.
I'm out of work; I cannot beg or rob,-
Next week, please God, I hope to get a job.
'Till then, that Death and Hunger may be stayed,
Great King, of you I beg some trifling aid.
KING G. (after short hornpipe). These stories, friend, are often-framed
The Parish Fund to house.
We'll help you if you're not ashamed
To come into the House.
Chorus of Council. To come into the House, dear boy,
To come into the House.
CARPENTER (indignant). Break up my home because I'm out of work ?
,KIN. .Youi'd,rather not! The sacrifice you shirk.
SOur.home,isjpleasant-here your trouble ends.
lYou'll,not belonely-these will be your. friends.
:(Demons-and Ribald Scumnush out -.and ofer their claws to CArBNrTEa.
.'Exit C. hurriedly. General chorus .of cacchination and ;dance of
Demons. Enter Aged Couple.)
'Comic Song : AGED COUPLE.
We've dwelt-together, man and wife,
Through twenty years.of happy life,
And always helped our neighbour.
But now, 0 King, your aid we seek,
Because we're 61d-,and worn and weak,
And past the age of labour.
We have a roof above our head,
A chair, a table, and a bed,
But ask a:modestration
Of parish help from day to day-
Enough, in fact, to drive away
The dread of slow starvation.
(Break-down by Aged, Couple, cellar flap anid ig by Counetl.)
.KING. Old Couple, you're surely .dficient.in nouse
If you fancy our help ia so easy to. eain,
We cannot refuse.if you'll- enter.the House,
But I fancy from that you would rather refrain,


For it grieves me to say
We've a rum little way
Which embitters the end of an old couple's life-
-That of parting for ever fond husband and wife.
(Bdderly ,Cosplie shdsar,.- emirace fondly, and mournfully retire hand-in
hand.)
ComsioSong, ye'IXo (o hiu 48head, with an exz6a'' fot'" at the finish).
bh haollo, -boys, Hooray!
AVe have'frightened 'enuaway,
.Anid-they'lLnever, :never, come here:ayamonee.
.h,;.thegame was very fly,
'-141rthey've gone away to die.
Let as doA. Aoubletahuffle on the Boa*dtroam floor.
[Grandallegor.ial repssentation of Out-door~j~4sffo. eshed by an offer of
the Souse. thn-can hy Death, Disease, W.rI,land .Wroudyery. Utorus
of Ribald Scume, and
CURTAIN.

THE QUALITY OF MSB~Y SllTMINED.
LADY BuiLDrr CourTrs has written to Biaop. Ulaughuin, to.urge
that the funds collected on .Hospital Sunday ahtll"not be divided
among. any. institutions where vivisection is practised. -We cannot say
that we are in favonr of inflictiug' ain upon dumb animals even in
the interests of science, and weifu.4ytayppreciate thegoadneas..of heart
-which dictated the- letter ; but-we-tebject-Atrongly-toAheidivision of a
-national fund being ruled :by :the, 'rotchets of enthuaiaats. If one
denion of society objects .;to its :neighbour's panee benefiting .the
psaienta of a hospital where- ivisectironis :practisemdanQther may use
i indie ice to spite establithmentsWwherealcohol -ia-administered, and
yeL another may put the pecuniary screw uponinltitUtUnsAwhere the
.gonleo ol Nonconformists are relieved. Ujilms the Hospital Funds
are 'diatwibnted with a total disregard of creeds.uad .eratehets they
-faiintheir avowed object, and should be droppaeilike.aiot cinder.
One ."of them has already evoked hearthuring,':ptty :,Jealousies,
;p6lieeaonrt cases, bickering and slanders, ,andthisatesc. attempt
-to make special charity a party weapon of attaQkAhold. bl its vuvp
..e gridce.
SBerwick 'B9pegpery.
Tojmtown-.f 'Beawick-uponTwmed is admittedly peoaliar. 4Azts of
Parliament have testitiedAtodthis-from..timerwiinmemerial, butAijlfcal
-advertisement does more in- one minute .thani they .have dooe in
hundreds of years. WantddfiAe.or.-ixzacasbif turnipsr-t beaten
on the ground with sheep;" ,What-are thewteswick iliae.tbaent, to
allow a proposition to be published which cortbines -iannibalism,
vivisection, and, worse..thasallithe eating.oftraw turnips -ittwould
be almost worth while buyingseWihlhundred of coals and going:down
for a free and al-fresco "swarry."

Macsalbethvini.
STiB correspondent of a daily paper kindly informs us that Salvini
is at Florence, studying Macbeth, which he intends to make his c/ieval
at bataille in London during the ensuing season." We don t quite
see how Macbeth can be made a battle horse, but if prices rule at
Drury Lane next season as they .did last, we could admit the relevancy
of hippie allusions to stalls and a. charger.

The Cut Direct.
WE have received from Messrs. Bemrose a clever little'book on the
art of Fret Cutting. The reason we notice it here and not in the
ordinary list is because a woodenheaded and obstinate reviewer says
that he Cut Fret stg years ago, when his first wife died, and that the
author has infringed his copyright, and incurred his anger. How
sensitive these geniuses are to be, sure !

'Ear 'Ear I
AT a provincial Bee" the printed regulations state that the
spelling shall be aural." Apart from any consideration as to the
proper use of -.words at -these novel educational gatherings, what
arrangement could be more likely to set competitors and referees by
the ears ?"
1'hrough Fire and Water.
TTHE question of granitiug.a'training-ship for Dublin is under con-
sideration at the B iard of Trade. Another burning injustice to
Ireland is evidently premeditated.

TENNYSONIAN Mo~ro % Post 1A .S.OOTING-GALLERY -PROERIETOJ.-
" Charge for the guns, he said."










48 I3FU N [JANUARY 26, 1876.


MORE HIBERNICO."
Lady Visitor :-" WELL, MRS. DONOVAN, I SHAN'T FORGET TO SEND THE SOUP TICKETS, AND I'LL LOOK OUT SOME WARM CLOTHES FOR
THE LITTLE ONES; LET MR SEE, HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE YOU ? "
Mrs. D. :-" ABRAH, BEDAD, AND WOULDN'T I BE HAVING' SIX OF 'EM, IF TWO OF 'EM WASN'T TWINS ENTIRELY "


A RHYME.
FOR THE TIME (AND PIECE).


MASTER.
Down at Erith
It appeareth
Master feareth,
Badly steereth,
Fortune veereth,
Lock-out neareth;
Trade it queereth
Down at Erith.


MAN.
Down at Erith
It appeareth
Workman reareth,
Striketh, jeereth,
Spouteth, beereth;
Labour cheereth
While he leereth
Down at Erith.


BOLD ADVERTISEMENT.
In the Times we find that practicall journalist with an advertising
connection worth 2,000 per annum" is anxious for an engagement.
Why such a treasure should be at liberty it is difficult to imagine,
unless his advertisements got so mixed up with his articles that you
couldn't tell t'other from which, and a long suffering editor had to
draw the line somewhere-say at two-shilling teas cropping up in
obituary notices, or at patent starch being included in the Conserva-
tive programme for 1876. We know that journalists with large
advertising connections, and agreements with enterprising firms to
puff wherever and whenever practicable, have been hinted at, but
that they should publicly avow their dubious position we most
sincerely regret.


In Statue Quo.
THE O'Connell Memorial Committee have varied the monotony of
their squabbles by some lively discussion as to how they shall dress
the Liberator. A strong party favours a cloak-probably with a
view to hide as much of the statue as possible-but the objectors to
this garment are equally powerful. Between them Dan'1 may get no
clothes at all. We fancy if he were consulted he would select a long-
tailed coat-and give his memorialisers a speedy opportunity of
treading on it.

Precept and Practice.
THREE instances are reported, within three days, of boys and men
narrowly escaping death while playing at the now fashionable game
entitled Wainwright. So long as man is an imitative animal, so long
will vivid descriptions and realistic rechaufefs of violent deeds be
productive, in the long run, of evil. As the pig treats the acorn,
the uneducated man treats the story of a murder. He shoves the
shell of moral teaching hastily aside, and proceeds to crunch the nut
of loathsome details with true swinish gusto.

Blind Leaders.
MR. HENRY JENKINS brings an action because he does not believe
in the personality of Satan. Mr. Edward ditto writes a book because
he believes the Old Gentleman to have gone into the public line-and
tries to get his licence endorsed. We shall expect soon to see
published Various Views of Davy Jones. By his Friends, the
Family of Jenkins."






FUN.-JANUARY 26, 1876.


N^.' ,


.1.4
K flit


a20SWl


I N
PS

a


CAUGHT IN THE ACT.


LiU


\\ \, '\ ,


IN










JAwnany 26, 1876.] FU N. 51


A TRIPLE ALLIANCE.
A GOOD many sapient Saxons affect to doubt the tales of travellers
in Ireland, and can never be brought to believe in the prevalent use
of the word boy by sister islanders." As it is our wish that the
wrongs of Ireland shall for ever cease, and the Hibernian be now and
again understood, especially when he gets.'into print, we fasten with
avidity on an advertisement published in' the Freeman's Journal of a
few days back, which commences, Boy Missing." The description
which follows requires no assistance from us. A Boy, 27 years of
age, though appears much older ; wore a'corduroy trousers, with a few
blue patches; a new black frock coat, a black bat, peaked towards the
top; a new pair of buskins; wears his whiskers- (unless on his chin) ;
supposed to not have shaved since missing." Coming, as this does,
just at the time when such magnanimous and disinterested appeals are
being made to the Premier- for the release of other- missing boys,"
no one can fail to see something'.ominous. The iboy" is evidently
on his way to Drury-lane or Downing-street-so Disraeli tremble, for
the allies are at hand!. Th'e- costume of the boy," as described in
the Freeman's Journal, f6ftibly brings to mind an opposition candi-
date for fame, who, however, has the advantage of being a man, and
a Scotchman, too. So far as we-remember, and bating the brogue, the
request for him ran:--
Oh, have'you seen my man, my man, my man-
Have you seen my man looking-for me'?
He wears a blue bonnet, abonnet, a bonnet,
A hump on his back and.apatch on one kneelI
He is a nice man, nice man, &c., &c.,
Could this latter gentleman but be induced to discard his national
prejudices, and join Mr. Boucicault and the boy," who can say what
the effect might not be ? We commend this suggestion to the con-
ductor of the London Scottish Journal, who seems particularly anxious
his countrymen should not be misunderstood, or their good qualities
overlooked, and patiently and with all confidence await the issue.
With such a junction there should not only be a release of Fenians,
but a general gaol delivery, and a public subscription as well as
Government grant to the eminent author, actor, and manager, to re-
coup him for the losses he has sustained. in advocating his bleeding
country's cause. His labours he, of course, gives for nothing.

APPROPRIATE THEATRES.


FOR Sportsmen ..
For Weeping Widows
For Elderly Cripples.
For Peckham Sketchers'
For Crockery Mongers,
For Magistrates ..
For Young Rinkersn.
For Total Abstainers'.
For Sullen Charwomen
For Singers .. ..
For Geographers: ..
For the Bilious


The 'Aim, Mark it.
The Cry Teary 'un.
The Ole Limpic.
The Drew lyeiLane.
The'Ad Delf
The Lies see 'um.
The Prince Essays.
The Gay at'.Tea.
The Charing.Gross.
Sanger's.
The Printsrof.Wales.
The Grease shun.


One at a Time, Please !"
THE "leading journal" contains much criticism of Mr. Holms and
his projects for the improvement of our army. The member for
Hackney is much misunderstood, and attacks flow in from all
quarters. Ready writers might first learn that mobilisation does not
in this case mean the attacking of one man by gangs, organised or
otherwise. The sounds mob and "lies" seem to have roused the
dormant sympathies of those who rush in to give -their little si&d-
strokes and kicks at one who is already engaged in combat-with more.
worthy foes, and:who has, therefore, no time to turn round and brush
off the insignificant,, yet tantalising, intruders, A, curry-comb. would
be a useful instrument-in a modern controversy.

Thought while Readings; our "'Daily;"'
DiSCLAIMER.-We have not been requested to: state that' thfkl+i'v
Brown who wasrecently stated in these columns to have said something
bright and clever:is not the Mr. Brown of Smith Brown and Jones'
Robinson, and that the publication thereof; is likely to do him'consid&src.
able injury in his business. We do so, however, with much.cordialft~
and great respect.

A Fine Distinction.
SOME astonishment has been expressed because a publican was-l
lately fined for being drunk on his own premises. The, man said huli
beer was drunk on the premises, and he only followed'suit. He forgot'
that the results might be identical, for the beer was also fined.

A SAn Doo.-The Type Setter.


A LITTLE PECULIAR.
"Now, whether it's a mere effect
Of weakness of the intellect;
Or consequence, in whole or part,
Of generosity of heart'"
(My crony Brown would muse);
".When I encounter.anyone'
Who says he wants a favour done,
I never can refuse ""
And this was so: upon myword:-
This trait of his was quite absurd!
Still less can I refuse,"' said Brown,
When that request is written down;
And oh, the heart were flint
That could ill-naturedly ppoh-poob,
Or coldly steel itself unto,
A favour asked in print!"
And thus, where'er he haply went,
Importunate advertisement
Would subjugate his foolish breast
With some entreaty or request
Or fiat stern and hard:
"All these advertisements," saidaie,,
"Are personal appeals tb me
I musn't disregard! "
And, following this wild conceit,
He would Alight at Baker Street."
Unhesitatingly he'd go
And Buy his hats of Dash and Co;
(The largest stock in town)."
I'm certain those who could refuse
To Try M'Pincher's boots and shoes"
Were heretics to Brown.
With utterly unselfish aims
He'd Come and dine at Wotsynail rt'-"--
Where one is sumptuously fed'
For three-and-six (including bread)-
With readiest consent.;
Anon, discovering the way
To go and Spend a happy day,"
He generously went.
To please an advertiser's whim
Was such an aim in life to him,
That when a friend would come to-Brown.
To beg the loan of half-a-crown.
His kindness he would stint:
"I'm grieved I can't assist a friend,
But, first of all, I must attend
To these requests in print."
"They wheedle me to purchase wine;.
They beg me so to go and dine;
They come in such a tender way
And bid me go and see the play,
These posters, by the score ;
They bid me so superbly dress-
That certainly I can't do less
Than act as they implore! "
And Brown's acquaintance-two or three -
Arrived in time at beggaree :
He'd followed out his whim so well
He'd spent their money, strange to tell,
When none of his remained:
And Brown's goodlady'gailyb ade
The bounteous parish' yieldh~er' aid-
4 As )Ir. Brownabstainedj
My better-half's request," said:he,
"Is merely verbal, don't yousee! '
But when, from Courts-of;Law came down
A note inviting Mr. Btew'nt
To seek these goals of criine:
"Now here,'! he said, "I'll take the hint,
For this request is made in print ** -
And still he serves his time!

Hachley Downs.
THE Lord of the Manor of:' Hackney is asserting his right to be
Down on his Downs in an unmistakable manner, and Mr. De Morgan
is equally down on him. Gauging the conflicting parties in the
present struggle accurately, we should say the plans of' one were
Hackneyed and of the other Downy.








F UN.


THE BRITISH WORKMAN.-BY ONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
PHASE X.-HIS IDEAS ON FAIRNESS.


WELL, I'm blest if 'ere ain't a clap a-doin' a proper day's work !!! We can't ha' none o' this 'ere nonsense-'tain't fair to them as wants to smoke.
Ang his wife an' children-we ain't got no wives an' children!


'Ere, you! The Amalgamated Society of Working Men says as we're to 'ide all yer tools an' tie one of yer handss behind yer, 'cos nobody ain't to do no more

















Swegot iceout.won' more
Glad we got 'im kicked out. Now you won't do more work then me; an' 1 won't do nn more work thun pou-an' we won't ineourage competition,
or industry, or any o' them wices.


52


LJANuAuy 26, 1876.









JANuARY 26, 1876.]


FUNT.


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.















ON THE BOUWlGNE': PACaEET
MRA NiRvus. I say, Timmera;. old chap,. d'yer.see that gentle-.
manly-looking man in gold, spetales coming downtkehgangway?
Well, d'ye see that wooden bosm hears got- eh ? I sayf- olt chap, it.
seems rather heavy, doesn't it? Dbht -turn whiteypggie. one the..
horrors !'
M .- Tim-masn I'rm not.'tuinia white! Yoeaa". Look! don't,
you. think thle mate's looking susleiunslyfat it ?? Hs -comig this.
way with it! Here; I'll be back ina minute, rveforgtten: something,
down below-that' is, up aloft--in: the forecastle-on the. keel-
down--.
Mn. Niavus. Don't be an idiot-it's.all right; H9ts gotit:under-
his arm; he wouldn't carry it, there-if:there was anythitig explos--.
MR. TIMMERUSi. Good gracious oloho.lr! H&e'-taking it.down,
stairs to the cabin. Some strange, and fatal imppulse urges me to,
plunge headlong after him anud learn the& whole dreadful truth at:
once. -Don't let my wife andsohblWten, starve; we'/ve.been friends for;
a long time. Here's my, t iw ce.pou ah as a souvenir. Adieui,
Adieu!
MaR. NIRvUS. Deanrme1, If wisL hie; wouldn't; he quite unnerves'
one What a fearful' time he's down there Perhaps the vessel's
blowing up gradually, and he's the first victim! I wonder if it would
be safer on the paddle box ? What an awful time he is-this suspense
is kil--. Ha There's his head above the cabin stairs.
Ma. TIMMERUs. He's put that box in his berth-it's just under
yours. The lid is nailed on, and there's strin& round it. I saw his
initials on his portmanteau, and, his name begins with a.T !
MB. Ninvus. If you were a man you'd go and get it and throw
it overboard: I would in a minute, only I want to keep my eye on
my carpet bag and can't leave---. Hullo! he's gone down again. I'll
raise an alarm.
CHORUS OF PASSENGERS. Oh, horror! There's a gentlemanly-
looking man in gold spectacles:down in the cabin with a wooden box!
It's all over with us-but we die repentant!
MR. TIMMEaUS. He's undoing- the string and taking the lid off.
I was about to run him through with my penknife, but he saw me.
I'm sure I've never robbed, anybody nor done anything particularly
wicked; I'm quite calm and collected; and my stepmother will
never, never see me on Boulogne pier.
CHORUS OF PASSENGBnS. He's, gone down again, to beard the
wooden box in its den.! Isn't he brave ?
Mi. TIMMERUS. It's all right-it's a box of figs. He says figs
always prevent sea-sickness, and he never travels without 'em. He's
a very sociable fellow indeed; he offered me some figs, but I don't
feel inclined to eat figs just now, it's rolling too much. I don't feel
inclined to eat anything. Just give me a hand to the side of the boat-
I'm-oh, lor- !
Mu. NiRvus. All right, I'll-join you old-ol-chap.

THE LATEST FORM OF DISSIPATION.
BETTER HALF. What do you mean by coming home at this time
in the morning, Mr. Tippsey? Do you know it's two o'clock, sir? P
How dare you P Where have you been?
WORS HALF. Onv heen ,to Sfh-ahnellin' Bee. Y'sheia wa 'adt


lotsh of n's !-and shum e's an' shum g's an' things. Gimmey minnit
t'conshidder.
BETTEa HALE. Go to bed, Mr. Tippsey-and if sever you go to a
Spelling Bee again- !!!

ON .THE BOULOQGNE BOAT AGAIN,
MB. BOLTER. Yes, the fact is-I'm off to Boulogne,hbeacause I want
to take the bull by the horns." I hear they're talking a good deal
in town about the plague coming over again, so I like to get away in
time. It's always as well to-keep out of the way of your credit--
out of the way of such things, you know,
Ma. NIGGLER. Ah, that's just:what:.Tthought. I wonder why that
fellow in a seedy overcoat.keeps .hovering, about. Don't you think he
looks a likely man ta-haye a wa---- I mean, to. have -te infection ?
I wish the boat would start!
SM. BOLTER. So do I. You see a. fellow's 'aairs-I' mean a
fellow-gets into such a 1.w state somL imes, that he's likely to be
taken unexpectedly at any mp4nin.t
MRNIGOGLEB DoNw-! I'm sure that f@llw has the warran,--the.
infection. Don't. lethia lay,, hs.han4oa.your shoulder-or yon'rea
sure,.ta catch it I'
ME. BOLTER DeOT-! By joef, hb:glooking at me-he's coming
aboard! Ah., theyre.-starting.I Tbly.yvepulled the gangway away.
He's gesticulatingn the quay. We're aQsafe now! Let's sake tes
atWhin Hoorayl CoQpaandrimJk


WANTI"
As I'sit every ..iglt+byi,-ngf
Wdthmnyqvpipe, ai4Bso4warpg, and a bo*k,
Only op.e other thingIfrjqjrlir-
A competent4 ceej
At my dinner, unt-served to my mind-
In fact, rain'd inflay&urag4 look:!
HlowI wish foma charm that wq:ldfin
A4competentcopok!.
I dream often-by-nightarae oppres,-
In the larder I'm hungonaJahook!
And I know what would give mnqaswPt, rast-.
A competent cook!
I will make it the work of my life-
Of the world I will search ev'ry nook!
And-when found !-I will take as my wife,
A competent cook I


The Police and the Public."
Ws learn from head-quarters that quite recently the entire City
"force "-each member being accompanied by his forces "-made
a determined attack on the staff stationed at the ancient palace, of
Crosby Hall, but failed either to run them in or exhaust their ammuni-
tion. A veteran constable being asked by our own interviewer to
account for this, replied in significant tones, "There is never no
accounting for the doings of.Fete!" The observation was, of course,
Fetal, and "our own" leaves a widow and seventeen" of'em" eminently
consolable to mourn the loss of one who. dared not wisely but too well.
Subscriptions will be received by the Publisher at this office, or may be
pqid into our (private) account at Orosby. Hall itself. Telegraph
stamps not taken.

A Natural Deduction.
A DAILY contemporary refers in touching tones to the deaths of two
distinguished lion-models, who resided for some time in the gardens "
at Regent's Park, and were much studied by Sir Edwin Landseer.
" They were a couple of fine South African lions, but they are dead
now, having survived only a short time the unveiling of the Trafalgar
monument." The inference is obvious, and shows to even the naked
eye how insignificant a thing nature must ever remain when brought in
connection, or even comparison, with the stupendously gigantic and
colossally magnificent association of art.


shum rath' difficult words, so we were 'blige keep tup late. Took
long time t'shpell 'em all-nineteen-twenny shyll'bles, some vum. A Summary Process.
BETTER HALFp. You reek of DRINK, Mr. Tippsey-DRINK THE Tines has reprinted its summaries for twenty-five years, and
Why, what's this in your tail pocket ? It's a brandy bottle! Now, offers the volume to the public for a shilling. During this wintry
sir-what does this mean ? weather anything summary is welcome. The information at the end
Wonsa HALF. Thatsh fireS prize fr shpellin' c'reckly-word of the book, that it was set in type by four boys, is interesting but too
hundred and fifty shyl'hles-ah! 'undredfifty'sh no word for it suggestive of hkid" for a grave old gentleman like our con-
BETTER HALF. I'm ashamed of you, sir. I don't believe you're temporary.
in a fit state to spell anything !
WoRSE. HALr. Shpell en'thing ? Well I know theresh shum n's- WEALTH'S LEADER.-The Duke of Riche-monde.








\ 54 1F3'. [JANUARY 26, 1876.



















I. .I












WESTMONASTERIAN WONDERMENT.
.Angelina (looking at the fish) :-" WONDER HOW THEY GOT SUCH FUNNY CREATURES TO WESTMINSTER? "
-Edwin (absently, looking at the fashionable) :-" WONDER HOW THEY GOT HERE v'HY, YOU CAN SEE HUNDREDS OF THEM WALKING
ABOUT THE PLACE EVERY DAY! [.Angelina's astonishment knows so bounds.

RINK RINKLES; OR, THE SKATER'S SKATECHISM. THE WOES OF WINTER.
NEVER rink against your rinklination. UGH winter! why, its very name I hate-
Many a rinkeress's heart asphalt for another what it cannot feel I vow the mention of it makes me shiver.
for you. A season when all silly noodles skate,
Ice skates are like Conservative politics, opposed to the common When lumps of ice are floating on the river!
wheel. A time when children to the playhouse go,
A rinker should never knock against her he a-doors, but he may To split their sides at pantomimic fooling:
rink' at his belle. They watch the clown with faces all aglow;-
Pretty stockings are de rigueur at the Addison-road Rink. See They'd better be attending to their schooling!
Addison's Skate Hose speeches.
; Never put your umbrella in your (r)inkstand. At ev'ry turn street-boys have made a slide
The admission fee to all rinks should be upon a sliding scale, and On which unlucky passers-by are slipping,
And when we fall, our anger they deride;
the arrangements should be superintended by men well known to fame Tnd when we brutes-I'd give them all a whippingde;
as skaterers for the public. The ltle brutes-I'd give them all a whipping!
Just look, the sky is leaden-hued and drear!
Mrs. P.'s Hemmanation. I think the prospect is enough to damp you;-
"THE Hematite has been found by a pilot-boat abandoned in Bristol What's that ? a snowball caught me on the ear!
Channel, and towed into Ilfracombe." Mrs. Pralamop feels that How dare you throw at me ? you little scamp, you !
"abandoned" is the right word for Hemma if she was tight, but
she thinks it an unmanly action to toe her into Ilfracombe con- NOTICE.-ON WEDNESDAY FEB. 9rH,
sidering her condition. --THE VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN,
LEx TALLY-HO-NIS.-Hunt Rules. PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.




rssCADBURY'S .
..BRANDAUER & CO 'SNewregistered"pres
series" of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and C E S N
select the pattern best suited to your hand. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
edUTION.-f Coa thicken is e it pro the addition of ,tarejk
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, Jan. 26, 1876









FSWArvy 2, 1876.] UN 55


ON NECKTIES.























Cravat come to pieces, Sir Impossible! I assure they are'allj.ested, and will bear a strain of three tons. Try this one, Sir.


This cravat come to pieces, Sir t Impossible There must be some mistakes Will you try with this one? I'm sure you'll find this one will last
for ever! (And so on through generations.)


SWEET EYES.
WHEN first I gazed within my darling's eyes-
Dark depths all full of love, sweet, tender, true!-
My glad heart bounded with a strange surprise
To see within a world so bright and new!
From out those loving portals of the soul
Came sunny dreams of happiness to be,
Which met fair fancies from my eyes that stole,
And mingled with them in sweet revelry!
0 speaking eyes! 0 love that lives for aye!-
0 life, that without you and love is nought!
*
(Just as I got this far the other day
A summons came, that drove away my thought!
It was my wife!-I mean it was her voice-
My muse affrighted fled with every rhyme!
I had to go, of course-I had no choice;-
But hope to finish this another time.)

A CLERMCAL ERo.on-The Bishop of Lincoln's objection
title of reverend."


to the


Non-Conciliatory.
THE good Nottingham folk have been taking a spell at one of the
fashionable Bee buzzings which just now give such splendid opportu-
nity for the display of authoritative disparity. The promoters of
this arrangement seem to have been more than usually vague on the
subject of orthography, which perhaps accounts for their readiness to
" star" Mr. Counsellor Gilpin as referee. We have no personal
objection to this gentleman, whatever; but still he might have
counoalled his colleagues as to a policy of councilloration.

U Know, u Know!
JONES got his opportunity and made his little joke the other night.
Said he, "IAh, Apropos of the spelling mania-don't you know ?-
ah-that is-the letter u you know-is dropping out of favor." And
nobody laughed but Jones, who intends to do these things in print,
you know, for the future, so that any fool may see 'em, don't you
know! "
A Scotch Joke.
THE 117th anniversary of Bums has just been celebrated by a
dinner. The speeches were full of fire, and the meeting boiled over
with enthusiasm. But though there were plenty of Burns, we do
not hear of any Scalds being present.


VOL. XXiii.









FEBRUARY 2, 1876.


.FUN OFFIOS, Wednesday, Feb. 2, 1876.
[CARTooN.]
PRACTICAL ARGU M ENTS.
AruT SALLY'S a.sort of Conservative thing,
Conservative, seeing'how little's got out of it;
'Tis typical, too, of political ",ring,"
And ".rings" are inEngland-oh,,wouild-wecould doubt of it!
"Tis silly to say that all motives-were-good--
This cant of a party wemd:er-understood.
Aunt Sally's now playeld'byold Benjamin'Diz,
Who's oft in his time been the breaker of pottery.
He's now.the assailed, and.the sticks-with a'whiz
Fly round:his old head-'such his share.of the lottery.
See, the shower gets ready:in ponderous might-
Once again the assailant's great Birmingham Bright.
Ben Dizzy's soon found in a desperate strait,
He's covered all over with bruises'thatfbatterihim;
The wrongs of the people haverhad4heir full weight,
To say he looks well would, tlisgracefully'flatter him.
Sure for one who persistentlyipreaches, "1Don't fight! "
A mighty hard hitter's great Birmingham Bright!

THEEa is little need to apologise for approaching the lamentable
Abbot's Ripton calamity here as well as in another portion of the
paper. So dire and distressful an event has.many and most opposite
phases, which require treatment accordingly. Altogether, perhaps,
the history of railway "accidents," most miserable portion of litera-
ture though it is, contains nothing more harrowing than the details of
the frightful massacre.-df the 21st ult., which has claims on considera-
tion far beyond those .put -forth by the mere number of the Alain.
These matters have, however, -been discussed at much greater length
than we can affordto give them, and so our desire is but to mention
one or two little items that have either escaped observation *or been
calmly ignored. During the examination of unfortunate subordinates,
it was evident that more than one of the examiners was impressed
with an idea of;his-own skillat.cross-questioning, and every attempt;
was-made to throw discredit on-the-evidence of those whose only1aullt
was that they were the administrators of.a mistaken policy. It is'the
system, not theiindividuals who are at fault. To badger poor engine-.
drivers',and plate-layers as to optical 'delusions which cannot be ex-.
plairrd lucidlyhy experts is petty sport indeed. An attempt to make
the secretary of the Great Northern Railway Company appear a cruel
and bloodthirsty monster failed so-signally that it only deserves pass-
ing mention; 'but at least a -volume would be the due of those
gentlemen who at once wrote :to :the leading and other journals to
prove how they knew this :thing.was going to happen, and, if their
advice had'ibeen taken, how itwoiildl have been averted. The story of
the publican who.refused a'bottle of brandy for the sufferers because
the messenger was'sixpence short is too horrible to believe, and we
trust the statement'that all beds in the place were at once secured by
the sounid,stoithe detriment of the maimed, is overdrawn; while on the
other side, we cannot, for the life of us, understand why the greatest
amount of sympathy was not bestowed on the greatest sufferers. If
the commonwealth principle is ever to obtain in this country, it should
be, above all things, when the allthings, when the wealth is that of woe. It would be
instructive if some one could discover, and publish, the number of
people who, without suspecting it, have been within an ace of similar
death and disfigurement, and who are now walking about, ignorant
hat they owe that they owe their lives to what, when chances are calmly considered,
can only be regarded as accident.

Short Notes.
Mn. RuSKIN is painting hispfront door for circulation among private
friends. Mr. Gladstone is writing a Review of the Household Troops
for the Walthamstow Powder Magazine. Mr. Albert Grant is about
to purchase a square of brown Windsor and keep it for his own private
use. Several persons having been seen hanging about the streets
lately, Dr. Hardwicke has insisted upon holding inquests on them.
Mother Stewart's whisky war has commenced. Several ladies have
been seen actively engaged in pitching into it. Mr. Bates is busily
engaged in getting up a party cry for the coming Session.

Windy.
MR. MILLS, M.P., refers to the Liberal Party as "a band of agitators
whistling for a breeze." Very good, but Mr. Mills forgets that the
Conservatives have got all the windbags among them, and that their
-policy has been a series of "blows" to the country.
FLASH INTITuTTIoNs.-Light Houses.


DEMETRIUS O'DESMOND.
A STORY OF THE WRONGS or IRELAND.
TEMETRIUS

MOND was
a gentleman.
His ancestors
J had been kings
4df Ireland in
'the good old
,days before the
horrid Saxon
hadrepoiled the
county and
made slaves of
the brave sons
and beauteous
daughters of
the Milesian.
The O'Des-
monds wereno-
tble, and gal-
lant, and hon-
ourable, -and
many a pro-
cess--server or
sheriff's-officer
wons ehas been
ducked when
; daring to pre-
sent his ugly
self in the neighbourhood of Castle Macfitzbogandboozoh. Myrmi-
dons of the law would consider themselves well off to escape with a
ducking, when caught with the boys, who used to twirl the bold
shillelagh, and vow it was an insult to -an Irish gentleman of the rale
good old sort to ask him to -pay his debts, just for all the world as
though he were a low-born omadhaun with a plebeian soul that
couldn't feel for the hononrcof his name:and country. "Sure an' it's a
mightyy .laggard shame," said Misther O'Toole, "to thrubble a rale
gintl'nan for the dirthyunoneyjust to oblige alot of plebeian trades-
lpeole." And all :he -neighbouring folk, who -didn't 'happen to be
tradespeople, and to want their money, warmlyapp lauded the senti-
'ment,-and wondered however men could -be'soese1h.
Butatilastmaetrayed and weepingmeountry.,-andiianarliament which
bartered its trust and went and sat with the -oppreaar-of a nation's
wrongs, ledeto the O'Desmonds being driven -fremdhmir~anient home,
.before they had mortgaged Castle Macfitzbogandboozohlormutdh-more
than:te4 times its'originalvalue. The rights of propezrtynre,:las! no
longer respected by.the invader, and another unit was headed to the
million'wrongs df lii'land, as, slowly and in silence, with somw-rwn each
brow and the;whisky jar an empty recollection, thismobletnuiiy strode
forth 'from the home where their forefathers had ruled the Aiamd 'for
miles around,and laid waste the potato-patches of the rival 'faction.
Oh wirrah4nes-thrue and ochone! Yet common, calculating, low-
souled demagogues, and upstart ignoramuses, as well as modem
political economists, calmly tell another, us that Ireland has no wrongs which
cry aloud form thvengeancet took to driving himself
Driven by gross injustice and the persecution of the plebeian from
happy Castle ssion do acfitzbogandboozoh, Demetrius O'Desmond was
eventually compelled to do something to obtain a livelihood. The idea
of contaminating himself with any ordinary low-souled occupation, of
course, never entered-into the mind of this noble gentleman, and he was
driven from one shift to another, until at last he determined to stand
at bay, and fromthat took to driving himself: he drove a hack car in the
streets of the beautiful isty of Dublin. Thus under a foreign rule and
Saxon oppression do the noblest and the bravest of a nation's sons
have to seek oblivion- and whisky. Oh, my country! Who can
wonder that the heart of a true patriot beat beneath the manly breast
of Demetrius, or that his smie rale was often saddened by the memory of
the past, when he replied to a none-too-often-made proffer of that
beverage which none but a forgottue n hlesian of noble birth can thoroughly
appreciate -whisky punchck allowed, he would to wondering audiences relate!
Every true Irishman is bound to be a believer in fairies. In the
days when Ireland was free they held unlimited sway, and though
their power was much checked by the traitorous Union, in which
Ireland was sold, they now and again still make themselves manifest,
just to astonish the -natives and show there is yet hope for Erin.
Demetrius, as one of the rale old stock, was particularly sensitive with
regard to these good people, and at night, after the labours of the day
were o'er, and he had forgotten his misfortunes in as many jugs of
punch as his luck allowed, he would to wondering audiences relate
stories of how his house had been favoured by fairies in the days of
its and their prosperity. Sometimes these stories varied very con-


PUN









FUtN.


siderably, but this was the fairies' fault and not that of Demetrius,
who was the soul of honour, and could drink more punch than any
other decayed nobleman in Dublin.
At last one night, as Demetrius was taking his horse, andu e.a bome,
he, had the visitation for which his soul yearned. He had been sitting
with several other gentlemen of reduced fortune but splendid family,
and; as the punch went round, each one told the stories he knewbest,
and all agreed that O'Desmond's family had been more than usually
favoured even when its claims, were- fairly, not to say faiiy, con-
sidered. As the last representative.of the once powerfulwad illustrious
possessors of Castle Macfitzbogandboozoh rose to depart it was noted
that his eye was fixed and his gait uncertain; and though no notice
was taken of this at the time, it was often remarked afterwards that it
was evident the influence of the "good people" was upon him. With-
a wild hurroo! he departed, and took with him a considerable share
of the prevalent odour of Irish nobility-and lemon peel.
C
O'Besmoea's o-wa story, a ,told to the stipendiary magistrate, was to
the effect that he: hadn't driven far on his road home when he heard
himself called by name,ansi though he looked about everywhere he
could only hear these wodft::-"Demetrius O'Desmond, som of a race
of kings, Irela.nshask yetbe free,;, drive on and prosper." This was
repeated rapidly, and soon he saw thousands of fairies dancing on his
car, asking for whisky, and tslaing him the same thing-that Ireland
should, be free and Demetrins oncemore numbered among her nobility.
Beneath their weight theear broke down, and the horse being evidently
under some; magie spell dashe off at a gre at e. O'Desmnon like
all true Irish patricians, being possessed of speed andt endurance,
followed on foot, and. eventually ran the animal down. Bt3 when he
got near, he discovered thatthe king of the fairies was standing on the
anima's, back, asking fer-a glass of whisky punch, hot, and quick.
Demetrius said he sheald be happy if his lordship would only come
back to the house, but the king waxed furious, and said such dreadful
things about this being the result of Saxon oppression and the want of
Home Rule that O'Desmond fainted, and when he awoke found him-
self, evidently out of fairy vengeance, in a police cell, charged with
being drunk and incapable, his car smashed all to pieces, and his horse
dead lame.
But an unbelieving and Saxon stipendiary and an avaricious as
well as English car-owner were. unmeanly obdurate, and Demetrius
O'Desmond, one of alin- of kings1, was sent to prison, without even
the option of a fine he wouldhave died rather than pay. 'Tis thus our
rights are trodden under foot, and the burning wrongs of Ireland
rankle.

Taking up His Spaeatble.
A, PRESTWICO lunatic- impEred, the- shiaig hours of his earthly
pilgrimage by an ineffectual endeavour i, assimilate some 1,639 shoe-
makers' sparables, among other "indigestible articles," the gross
weight of which was 11 lb. 10 oz. We are doubtful whether to regard
the story as an instance of voracious mendacity or veracious voracity.
Any way, it is a pity that wholesome nails should be wasted on an
unappreciative madman, while many a. virtuous ostrich in Sahara
has perhaps not tasted iron for months.

Unaccountable..
A GENTLEMAN in search of employment announces as a qualification
his ability to introduce Irish accounts." Judging from the
incomprehensible telegrams which appear in the columns of a contem-
porary, the Hibernian element would appear to have been already
introduced to nauseation, and to have continued the introduction on
its own account still more so.

A Straight Tip.
AT an inquest in Tredegar the other day, medical evidence "went to
show that death resulted from the effects of a kick given by an
iron tip fixed on the toe of a boot such as is worn about here." Many
worthy people conscientiously object to tips, and after this who shall
say that their objection is bootless.

To Woman!"
A NEW song has been recently published dedicated to woman,
wherein the poet declares that he loves her still! Our married man
says that's how he prefers her.

A Correction.
A IOLIN for sale, the owner having no further use for it." So
runs an advertisement. "Owner," forsooth! Why not say at once
Creamowner?
WHAT Part of Speech is most Distasteful to Lovers ?-The third
person.


"'DO WE CHANGE HERE?"
Abbot's Ripton, January 21, 1876.
SHsum louder, Winds, your Banshee cry amid the leafless trees,
And hushk the sudden wail of woe that haunts the winter breeze!
Weep, faster, ashen Skies above, and let your teardrops fall
In fresea flakes above the slain, a soft and snowy pall!
Short seconds back, and youth and strength rushed onward thro'
the night,
And bounding hearts were beating time to travel's rapid flight.
A crash! Ah God! here lies what was-what, shall be never

The flying wheels are idle now. Alas! the journey's o'er.
So wild the scenes of bloody wreck beneath the lantern's gleam,
The living rise as if from sleep, and fancy that they dream;
While one man neathh a shattered mass cries, out in accents
strange,
And hails a stooping guard, and asks if heretheyha~veto, change.
To change? Ah yes Life's train has reached its fearful
halting-place,-
The answer to the question lies on many a sleeper's face.
No warning bell had rung for them, but silently- they rose,
And changed from life and wild unrest to death and calm repose.
For them no more the harried dash along the rugged read,
For them no more the thousand ills, the pilgrim's, heavy load;
The goal is reached,, and here they change from night to perfect
day,
From fleeting joys of earth ta those which shall not pass away.



A Wrong 3oeading.
ONE pound is the price- oeLbed& "for a eenbtiaate of the death of
John ," by advertisement i the 'Eiine. "ThIe's what our
trade's a comin' to," says Bill Sikes, and yet they &ayn as 'ow skilled
manniwal labour's. aU a peree nm. Way, I knows Lbe time when
gen'lefolks wouldn't a bemeanedi themselves,, to' think o' such a thing
at the price." Aud poor William,. sick at heart over the decay of a
cherished institution, has buried hiabltsdgeon, and awaits "the end"
with the calm satisfaction of one whoe has dba his duty in that
station of life to which it has pleased providence to call him.

Sing-ular Views.
A CONSERVATIVE evening p ,per devotes a leader, a column and a
half long, to Tommy make room for your uncle." Oar contem-
porary will, we earnestly hope, adhere to a field of discussion far more
suitable to its talents than such awkward affairs as Slave Circulars
and administrative bungles. Nero fiddled while Rome was burning,
and why should not Conservatives sing comic songs during a political
conflagration which promises to leave nothing but the ashes of a
mighty party structure for their shockheaded and Hanwellian contem-
plation.
"How's that, Umpire ?"
UmDEn the head of Football" a Liverpool daily paper informs
those whom it most concerns that "a smith's striker was charged at
Salford with assaulting his father and mother, and throwing the
latter on the fire." Whatever was the referee about to allow such an
unseemly finish to so generally interesting a game ? The interests of
true British sport should be better protected than this.

"Does not a Meeting--?"
"SHOULD this meet Mr. Moses' eye," says an advertisement, it will
find a legacy from his aunt. We trust the amount will be worthy the
encounter, the danger of which during the present state of our street
traffic can only be estimated by those who have already gauged the
value of the ordinary Jew's-eye. We've never been able to meet
an eye of this kind sufficiently separated from its congenial hook.

Rank Charleytanism.
TaH Attorney-General remarking at Manchester on the local popu-
larity of Mr. Charley, M.P., said it was because all the ladies
constantly sang "Charley is my darling." The gallant speaker also
stated, there were no ugly girls in or about Manchester. So much for
Attorney-generalship. But what, we ask with mixed feelings-what
about Sal Ford ?


FEBRUARY 2, 1876.]









58 IF U ~Nf. [FEBRUARY 2, 1876.


LEX TALIONIS (LICKERISH LAW).
Irascible Non-Compulsonist :-" HALLo, BOYS 1 THERE'S THAT THERE SCHOOL-BOAID MAN A COMING; LET 'IM 'AVE ONLY ONE ONER-A
BEG'LAR LICKER-ON THE BACK OF THE 'ED, AND I'LL LET YOU 'AVE A GOOD SBUCK ALL ROUND AT EVERY BLESSED STICK OFP LICKERISH AS
I'VE GOT IN THE SHOP !


TITLE v. RIGHT.
As a consequence of the recent decision of the Judicial Committee of the Privy
Council, Mr. G.W.,anning, Rector of Little Petherick, St. Issey, Cornwall, a parish
having a population of 216, advertises in the Western Morning News that he
will not be called by the "now desecrated epithet of The Reverend,'" and
warns correspondents not to be offended if he rejects letters so addressed.
TRUE Christians those parsons who grudge to Dissent
A title that's only in courtesy meant:
True Christians, for do they not show us the way
To follow His lead and the Devil dismay ?
(No harm there can be using Lucifer's name
Since the clergy insist on that gentleman's fame.)
A warning we'd give to those Churchmen absurd
Who fasten their faith to an obsolete word:-
If your claim on the people has basis so small,
You'd better be careful, or down you may fall
Go! earn our respect, for 'tis perfectly clear
That the title is due but to those we revere.

A Trump Card.
A FRENCH critic speaking of England's purchase of the Suez Canal
in connection with the Turkish-question says it was the trumpet call
for a retreat." We certainly had to find both brass and notes,
but the purchase was popularly supposed on this side of the Channel
to represent an advance rather than a retreat.


A BOOTLESS ERRAND.
AN important despatch has been received from Rangoon. Colonel
Duncan has been instructed not to take off his boots in the presence
of the king of Burmah." Now, the king of Burmah likes people to
take off their boots when they talk to him, and difficulties would
have been best avoided by sending Mr. Churchward of Dover to him
in the place of Colonel Duncan. Mr. Churchward likes taking off
his boots, and recently had to fight for the privilege in a railway
train. It is anticipated that our representative's objection to bare
feet will lead to naked arms.

At it Again.
ADMIRAL TARLETON has had a narrow escape of being wrecked.
His ship, the Hawk, got among the breakers in Branshire Bay, and
"was with great difficulty put about." Like admiral, like ship.
Seeing how coolly he took the Vanguard affair, we should imagine he
was hard indeed to "put about."

Not to be Expected.
A SILLY fellow has lately been haunting a quiet neighbourhood
in the shape of a midnight phantom. A reward has been offered for
information, &c., but with no result, his confederates refusing,
reasonably enough, to give up the ghost.

THE BEST SUPER-vISION.-The sight of Treasury on Saturday.





FU NJ .-FEBRUARY 2, 1876.


THE POLITICAL AUNT SALLY.








FEBRUABY 2, 1876.]


A SUBTLE REVENGE.
I SELDOM object in a general way
To anythingpeople may happen to say;
But'I do find it rather repelling
When blustering fellows like Anthony;Brown
G&ostrutting and boasting all over the town,
And airing their knowledge of spelling.
BylBrown to be bothered, pursuing his fad,
With" Spell' oxyphlegmasy,' Jenkins, my adl"
Is really too much for myimeekness.
I hAte his thus forfeiting proper respect-
Besides, it's so apt to make'peolple detect
My own orthographic0l weakness.
For years with impatience ibere with these laits,
And larded my language-withm'wicked remarks
Progressively growtgin, badness;
Till all of a sudden bhereIfflahed to my mind
-A plan of a Machiavillanous kind,
For vengeance and consequent gladness.
I took him to where, at a thing called a Bee,"
"Yclept is permitted toend with e- d "-
'A. change undeniably clever;
1Where bdellium" for aver begins"with a "'p,"
And dactyl's" allowed,-yes! an ultimate "'e""-
.Which shattered hisfeelings for ever!

'Attoniihing the Natives.
'TiE Times states 'that the natives are disappointed
because the Prince of 'Wales has not given anyjlarge
sums to charities. Cheer lip, sweet Indian innocents.
Doet wi know thatithe money is ready, but oan'tbe
di-ktilitdd 'until an agent from the local Organisation
Setitylh-asinquired into the merits of each institution
and-exasiinei. the native police ias Ato the character of
its managers ? There arecerttain'ittle'English customs
which-'evna Prince cannot dispense with. "|||

Down in the World.
WE met a gardener of our acquaintance yesterday,
and he planted a thorn in our sympathetic bosom. He
looked sow seedy!


FUN.


FUN'S FAN-CY.
FAN-TASTIC SUGGESTION POR A NEW BONNET.


DOTS AND LINES.
HER MAJESTY objects to the tenants on her Highland estates curl-
ing," as she fears it encourages a love for malt liquor. If it's true-
and the proverb tells us it is-that sorrow's dry, this remarkable
manifesto will encourage a love for malt liquor more than ever. =
Opening of the Royal Aquarium at Westminster. The day was dry-
and so were the tanks. (N.B.-This was not the only drought visible.)
Everything admirably arranged. = Oxford University Boat Club men
decline an invitation to row in America. Not because, as a watery
wit said, they would certainly have to "row over." = Earl of Dart-
mouth opens a Conservative Club at West Bromwich. After satisfy-
ing himself of the contents he put the lid on again carefully, so that
none of the essence of Toryism should evaporate. = Home Secretary
releases several misconvicted prisoners. Happily Mr. Cross does not
conserve his notions of justice, Conservative Minister though he be.
First meeting of the political forces at St. Stephen's fixed for the 8th
inst. Mr. Disraeli sends round an appeal to his friends and patrons,
and trusts," &c. This doesn't look much like Conservative cock-
surety. = Well-dressed man and woman leap into the Thames from
Blackfriars, leaving in a recess of the bridge a large carving-knife."
Perhaps they were afraid of hurting themselves with it. = Dr.
Dewdrops threatens to become a religious reformer. Surely no one
will grudge him the title of reverend. He has at least as good a claim
on that as on the word Englishman. However, he says his position
will require no further ex-q.c's. = Mr. Cook, the reverend insisted
upon Satan, says that if judgment goes in favour of Jenkins, he will
even then not administer, but resign. And (we own the wish is father
to the thought) set out in search of positive proof of his friend's exist-
ence = Plymouth paper, reflecting on the probable absence from
England of all members of the Royal Family during the forthcoming
season, says "we shall be able to discover what the country would be
like if it became a republic." Nonsense, the officials of a republic don't
spend their time and money abroad. = Somebody in India has pre-
sented the Prince of Wales with a sword worth 10,000. To be killed
with such an expensive weapon would be something like starvation


under our present Poor "Relief" system. = Arrival of the American
champion (female) whisky warrior. It is not true that the Metropoli-
tan Benchers have generally decided to make no calls to the Bar "
during her stay here. = Charity "agent" discovered charging "the
usual ten per cent." Truly charity does cover a multitude of sins
and duplicities. Peculiar People again. Peculiar seems a peculiar
word to use. We should have selected one, harder maybe, but cer-
tainly nearer the mark. = Solicitor-General still solicitous.

A Sell.
AN eminent auctioneer advertises several "butchers" as on sale at
his establishment. All are said to be doing well," and one evinces
an aptitude for being "doubled in the hands of a good manager."
The only butcher we ever saw doubled was one who was doubled-up
during an exhaustive argument as to the advantages of personality in
Whitechapel. We presume that butchers are now bought and sold
as reminders of the time when flesh meat was not at famine prices in
England, and when such a thing as steak was regarded with other
eyes than those of wonder and curiosity by the people.

A Wall Paper.
A BELFAST paper merchant has been prosecuted for selling a wall
paper, as innocuous to the young," which contained a poisonous
composition." Some sellers of papers that are not intended to go on
walls have watched the case with anxiety, for their wares are anything
but innocuous to the young, and contain a good many poisonous
compositions.

Eyely Improper.
A LADY thoroughly acquainted with the manufacture of artificial
eyes offers, for a consideration, to impart the occult process. This
should be put a stop to. The ladies already make eyes more than
sufficient for the demand, and we prefer sheeps' eyes au natural to
the artificial process any day.


61


(








P2 TI N. [FSBF.UARY 2,1876.



9 1. i' .." """


MATRI-MONEY.
Wife :-" YOU SAID YOU -WOULD GRUDGE 3ME NOTHING, I WAS 80 VERY DEAR TO YOU "
Husband:-" BUT, DEAR, THE WORD DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN EXPENSIVE!"


THE GREAT COLLISION STAKES;
OG,
Every Railway Station its Own Music Hall.
[THE Railway Companies seem to be getting such a deal of fun out
of the collision joke, that we don't see why we shouldn't have a little
of it on our own account.]
No. I.-"THE SHATTERED JUNCTION STAKES."
(The Station-Master's Song.)
WHENEVER the state of your fortune's brisk,
And gives you a fiver or two to risk,
Oh let me advise you the home to seek
Of our Shatterem Junction Sporting Clique ;
For all the officials are in the fun
And plenty of money is lost and won:
And nothing whatever the sport can dash
So long as we've plenty of trains to smash.
Hurray! Let 'em suffer, from axle to buffer,
The carriages, engines, and brakes-
It's reckoned, with reason,
The thing of the season,
"The Shatterem Junction Stakes."
Supposing the mail to be due-we shunt
A mineral train on the line in front;
Then carefully signal the line as clear,
And wait for a bit till the mail is near:
Then, as it approaches, we slowly play
At shunting the mineral train away;
And often the betting's extremely hot
On whether the two will collide, or not.
And chances are slender for engine ani fender,
And carriages, waggons, and bral.es-
It's reckoned, with reason,
The sport of the season,
"The Shatterem Junction Stakes."


No. II.-" I HAVEN'T MADE MY WILL!"
(The Passenger's Song, omitted for want of space. This song should cer-
tainly be obtained, even in preference to all the others of the series.)

No. III.-" I SHALL BACK THE MAIL !"
(The Porter's Song.)


There's the mail-it looks like winning!
Sixty miles an hour it's spinning,
Spinning on the line;
Now its quick descent beginning
Down a sharp decline.
Watch it in its wild careering,
Quickly, yard by yard, it's nearing,
Trucks they won't have time for clearing,
Clearing off the line!
Toward the coal-train-(grunting, shunting
Its extensive tail
To a siding) -quickly gliding,
Wildly bent upon colliding,









FEBBUA&Y 2, 1876.] F -

Onward comes the mail.
Pleasant for the people riding!
I shall back the mail!
Expectation keenly whetting,
Quite exciting it is getting-
Quite a piece of fun!
Bill, my hearty, how's the betting ?
Give you three to one!
Betting equally divided ?
Give you- hullo! They've collided!
Bill, my boy, the bet's decided-
Bill, the thing is done.
Hear the people moaning, groaning-
'Tain't of no avail.
Ain't they scattered, badly battered ?
Ain't the cars and engines shattered
On that blessed mail ?
Ain't t things with dirt bespattered
Now I've backed the mail!

No. IV.-"THEY'LL GIVE US THE SACK FOR THIS; OR,.
THE SMASHED DIRECTOR." (The Signalman's Song.)


Come Billy and Harry, and George and Bob,
Our energies let's combine
In doing that little attractive job-
Assisting to clear the line:
Let's look for the passengers knocked about
And gather them bit by bit,
And put them together, and sort 'em out,
And fasten the parts that fit.
Get shutters and stretchers, and nails and glue,
And bandages, lint, and rag;
For here is a gentleman chopped in two,
And here is his carpet-bag.
Oh, gather the pieces, and save the scraps,
And never a morsel miss-
Oh, hang it! A horrible thought! Perhaps
He's one of our blessed director-chaps !
They'll give us the sack for this!
Oh, here is a dowager knocked to bits,
And here are her boots and veil,
And here are her gingham and worsted mits,
And here is her poodle's tail!
Oh, here is a mountain of hats and things
From passengers tall and short,
And here is a muddle of heads and wings
We haven't the time to sort.
For nobody is there among them who
Would matter the slightest rap,
Excepting that gentleman chopped in two-
That blessed director-chap.
So gather his pieces and hide the scraps
As if there were nought amiss;
For if they get knowledge of these mishaps
To one of our blessed director-chaps
They'll give us the sack for this!

No. V.-" THE SAFE SIDE." (The Station-Master's Song) -
Taking odds, without compunction,
Daily at our sporting junction;
After my successful innings
I may pause and count my winnings.
If you'd always stand to win
Always bet with great decision
On the chances of collision-
That's the way I made the tin!


JN. 63


SUPREME COURT OF CARICATURE.

THE TITLE OF ESQUIRE."

SNOOxS V. oRUBB.
Tais was a petition to restrain the defendant, who is a cat's-meat
man, from assuming the title of Esquire, and the facts of the case are
briefly as follows. On the 23rd ultimo the complainant, who is a
wholesale dealer in pigs' trotters, and the defendant were both upon
the premises of Mr. Jones, the well-known pawnbroker in the Borough.
Snooks was obtaining an advance upon his watch, and Grubb was
endeavouring to negotiate a loan upon his Sunday suit. The former
had completed his contrast and was about to leave the shop, when he
heard the latter give his name to the shopman as John Grubb,
Esquire, and he found the shopman was about so to describe him upon
the tombstone." [Lord Justice Phunniman here asked what was a
tombstone, and it being explained, he said, "Ah, that's the ticket! "
amid much laughter.] Now he, Snooks, had previously So described
himself, and he resented this assumption of the' title by the defendant
as calculated to bring it into disrepute. He, therefore, prayed that
the court 'would order the said title to be erased from the tombstone in
question, and grant an injunction restraining all cat's-meat men from
employing it under similar circumstances.
MR. THuMPEB, for the defendant, contended that a cat'-meat -man
had the same right to call himself Esquire as a pig's-trotter man.-
After all, it was only an honorary title.
Ma. QUIBBLE, for the petitioner, begged that the court would
remember his client was a wholesale purveyor of foodfor man, While the
defendant was a retail purveyor of food for animals.
LORD JUSTICB PHUNNIMAN. Well, I'd sooner have a stick of cat's-
meat than a trotter. There's more meat for the money. (Laughter.)
Mu. THUMPER. Would your lordship like to try a ha'porth of my
client's-his barrow's outside. (Roars of laughter in which all the
judges joined.)
THE LOaD CHIEF JUSTICE. The parties, I 'presume, have come
here to have justice cat's-meated out to them. (Renewed laughter.)
MR. Qu.inBLE. The question which we ask your lordships to
consider is this. Shall a man who, outside the pale of good
commercial society-an itinerant monger of horseflesh-be allowed to
assume the title of Esquire.
THE COUNT. Your client is only a monger of pig's flesh,
Mi. QUIBBLE. But he keeps a shop.
Ma. TauMPER. My client keeps a barrow.
THE LoanRD CHIEF JUSTCE. I think we will narrow the issue to
this. If a man who keeps a shop calls himself Esquire, does the
proprietor of a barrow infringe upon his rights by assuming that
title ?
MIR. THUiPEs. Exactly; and we contend that the title being
merely honorary, he does not.
Loan JusTIc& PHUNNIMAN. In the case of Jubbins v. Bogie it
was ruled, I believe, that an Esquire is a man who changes his -linen
twice a week.
MR. THUMPER. That decision was overruled, your Ilordship,
because it was found that the title was an ancient one, and in vogue at
a period when to wear one shirt for a year was considered a &pious
action.
LoDn CHIEF JUSTICE. Are you shirtain of that ? (Laughter.)
MaR. THUMPER. The fact has been shirtified. (Shrieks of laughter,
in which their lordships heartily joined.)
Some further remarks having been made on both sides, their lord-
ships consulted together and
THE LORD CH .I JUsricE said,-I have given this case most anxious
consideration. It is a most important case, not only to the trotter and
cat's-meat fraternity, but to the whole community. There can be no
doubt that the title Esquire has been much abused in these days. It
originally, meant, I find on reference to my pocket, dictionary, "an !
attendant on a knight," and used as a verb, to attend or wait on."
Now it is perfectly clear that the defendant does attend or wait on '
cats with their daily supply of animal food, and he has, therefore, a i3
perfect right to assume the :itle. With regard to using it on a tomb-
stone, that is coming from a question of attendance on a knight to
attendance on a pawn-(laughter) -but so far as the present case is con-
cerned I am of opinion that a cat's-meat man has as much right to call
himself Esquire on a pawn-ticket as a pig's-trotter man, and for the I
matter of that, more, for the horse is a larger and more noble animal
than the pig.
Their lordships concurred. Judgment for the defencLdant.
THE PETITIONER (exCItedly). I shall carry the case to the House of
Lords.
LoRD JuSTICE PHUNNIMAN. Mr. Grubb has his barrow.outside, ask
him to wheel it up there for you. (Roars of laughter.)

TALL TALK.-High words.








[FEHIUUARY 2, 1876.


A TAKING" NOTION.
Hungry Spokesman (desperately, after much urging from his companions) :-
"YOU'VE GOT A CAKE THERE FOR A PRESENT! I'LL TAKE IT, MUM !"
[Collapse of od lady.


HAMMERSMITH SUSPENSION.
A LITTLE-BOY Benedict, nearly eighteen years of age, made a volun-
tary appearance before Mr. Bridge, magistrate at Hammersmith Police-
court, to complain of his wife. He declared, in a tone of heart-rend-
ing pathos, that it was quite out of his power to keep mother, daughter,
and child. Mr. Bridge told the applicant that he need not keep his
mother-in-law. "You can tell her to go," said the magistrate,
evidently enjoying the absurdity of the notion. Mr. Bridge was
original as well as amusing. You are here to complain of your
wife," he said to the little boy; "you should have come before you
were married." Such a paradoxical statement should not pass un-
noticed by students of mathematics, who will thereby learn that the
glory of their ancient Pons Asinorum has at last been demolished for
ever.
Messing it Away.
THE Commander-in-Chief is setting his face resolutely against the
heavy mess expenses now prevalent in many regiments, and the Con-
servative press is backing him up. H.R.H. considers it wrong to
spend money freely over a mess, and yet he wants a large sum of the
nation to carry out his views with regard to remodelling the army.
We like consistency even in Royal Dukes and Conservative news-
papers.


A PLEA FOR THE POOR!
Au, Winter is all very well in its way-
Wnen Nature appears in a snowy array,
As white as the veil of a bride.
The season's immense for the well-to-d 4 folk,
Who never are galled by grim Poverty's yoke-
Who've fortune and health on their side.
The rich have all comforts their hearts can desire,
From cold they're protected by warmest attire-
7They needn't repine at their lot.
Ay, Winter has probably numerous charms
For those that are dandled in Luxury's arms-
But how about those who are not ?
The season is "jolly"-in books. When we road
Of crystals of frost that bespangle the mead,
We fancy that Winter's sublime.
Bat ask of the heart-broken victims of Fate,
Who shiver and crouch-with no fire in the grate-
Go, ask what they think of the time!
They'll tell you that Winter's their deadliest foe-
A fiend who comes armed with starvation and woo,
'Gainst whom they too vainly rebel.
He hollows their cheeks, and he blanches their hair;
Want stabs them, and laughs at their cries of despair,
Then glories in ringing their knell!
0 ye who can revel in drawing-rooms bright,
Consider the poor, as they manfully fight
For food, till all energy flags;
And whilst you are amply protected and warm,
Remember, that oat in the pitiless storm
You've brothers and sisters in rags !

Nota Bene!
THE old Opera House in the Haymarket has at last
been purchased by Government for a second central
Post-office. After all its vicissitudes the change is a
gentle one for the much abused building. It will still
be filled with notes" and haunted by the folks who
deliver them.
Anomalous.
IN India they call a lack of rupees riches. What
a lax way of talking !


Marry, Sir John!"
THE gentleman who writes to Printing-house-square to inform the
authorities there, and, through them, the English people, that it was
in the reign of Queen Elizabeth when Mr. John Hawkins sailed to
the coaat of Guinea for the purchase of slaves," omits to state that this
was anterior to the decease of her late lamented Augustan Majesty,
though subsequent to the famous descent upon the Low Countries by
the desperate Dutch. The very latest-some would call it the most
fossilised-information seems to be highly prized by the editors of our
wind and weathercock contemporary.

To Suit the Times.
IN consequence of the unsettled state of the Burials Question it
has been decided to make bodies in dispute wards in Chancery. They
will remain in the custody of the Lord Chancellor until such time as
matters can be arranged between the friends of the deceased and the
captious or objecting clergyman. If not removed within six years
they will be sold to defray expenses.
NOTICE.-On WEDNESDAY NEXT, FE. 9 rH,
THE VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN,
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.


'TES' QUI NINE WIN
WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A H. Hassall, M..D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.-WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO.. Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Lond n, Feb. 2. 1876.


F-PTJN.







FEBRUARY 9, 1876 ]


SS ABL N. 6O


SEASONABLE OFFERINGS.


THR GERMAN SWELL.


THE CAxYy's KNELL.


UNFOUNDED RUMOURS.
THAT -Ier Majesty opened Parliament in person to shut up the
personality of the Republicans. That Sir Charles Dilke has adopted as
his political motto, We Chelsea what we Chelsea." That the Life
Guards have struck against peace-work. That G. W. Manning, the
desecrated divine of Little Petherick, has been compelled to add a C
to the P. P. on his visiting cards. That the newspapers which
inserted the advertisements of a recently closed bank have forwarded
conscience money to the victims. That the Edmunds' scandal has
been dramatised. That a national Cole training school has been
opened at South Kensington; first lecture, Cole Trains in Coleision ;
or How to Shunt and Where to Shunt." That "the Peep of Day" is
the real Fill Adelphi-a Exhibition. That Sir John Iles Mantell has
sent a cat to prison for sleeping near his kitchen fire. That Mr.
Cross has forwarded him another pennyworth of public clamour."
That a well known American diplomatist has been forwarded to the

'si,. L


-Westminster Aquarium as the cleverest Fish in the world. That
Government has abandoned the idea of raising the Vanguard, and
intends to raise the Income Tax instead. That Sarah Chandler stole
the coat to put the geranium in the button hole. That the Prince
of Wales was let off early in the evening at the 56th display of
fireworks since his arrival in India.

Peony Royalty.
IT was fondly hoped that her Majesty's, reappearance in public
would check the onward flow of Republicanism. Alas! on the very eve
of the auspicious event some villain publicly advertises Any amount
of old Queens at a penny each." For subjects to sell their Sovereign
is not a novelty-but the price, the shameful price! We should
like to penetrate the incognito of this penny traitor.
A FASHIONAIBLE BIRD.-The Ornitho-rink-us.








66 FUN. [FEmuARY 9, 1876.

eye of the law. Any
DOTS AND place, we should
LINES. think, where
Two Irish Con- eyesters are opened.
servative M.P.'s areCon- (N.B.-This is a
servatrve d .P.'s are special contribution
prepared to settle from our eyerate
from our eyerate
the land question. e y e d e 1 i s t.)
And settle the land People beginning to
as well, if we may People beginning to
as well, if we may discover the ante-
be allowed to judge. events of Richard
= Sheffielder fined cedents of Richard
forty shillings for Bnnow. It's a pity
"biting a neigh- some n ow. It's a pitywho
bour's nose off." some of those who
Wonder if culprit stoodin" and hung
could be bound over oun't the Banner
not to keep the didn't find out all
piece. = The price this before. = Wo-
of coal has been re- man 106 years of
duced from a shilling age found in a Shef-
to eighteenpence [field "fever den,"
rt eighteen en where she had lived
per ton. This is __rao__te
the first time we for a long time.
ever knew of a thing Fever dens somehow
being reduced by or other not con-
increasing the figure. sidered nearly so
= Presentation of a dreadful since this
Bible to Mr. Plim- discovery. Traffic
soll. By the way, manager of Great
wouldn't it have Northern states that
been better to have -the block system
given it to-the costs the company
people on the other 80,000 a year.
side of the question p _That must be includ-
= Hole knocked in --ing blocks and all.
the side of another = Great gale off the
ironclad. Curiously coast of Galway.
enough, the In- Crew of a Sunder-
flexible. So much so_ land barque with
that it wouldn't broken legs, and
bend, even though -captain with "jaw-
it broke in the bone smashed to
struggle. -Ex- -atoms." Talk of
plosion of safety blowing great guns!
powder" in Balti- --- -- -these guns must
more; great destruc--- -- have been loaded.
tion. "Safe and Galway will after
sound!" was the this be called
unnatural reflection Sunder-land. = Un-
of one who was in- veilingef Palmerston
sured, when he heard statue. Appropriate
the report. = Indian opportunity for
pig said to have columns of comment.
knocked out four of Congregation o f
Lord Charles Beres- shipowners prote-t
ford's fr6nt teeth against "the present
with his lordship's system of inter-
spear. A country- ference with the
man of Lord trade of shipown-
Charles's says this ing." Trade! we
comes of not taking always thought ship-
"the baste by the owning was num-
horns." Irishmen bered among
seem to make bulls "liberal profes-
o f everything. = sions." Professions,
Question as to what THE SKATER'S VALENTINE. so far as can bedis-
constitutes a refresh- covered, arc always
ment house in the WARRANTED FIRST CLASs.-AN EXrPENsivE ARTICLE. era
liberal.

AN E&ARTHLY PARADOX. the original offence, but what of that ? We've done our duty in the
Tas Dispatch, undeterred by the swift justice (of the Peace) which matter, our conscience is clear; and we are, alas! but too well used to
has overtaken one scoffer, dares to say that some papers must think the ingratitude of those on whom we shower such favorss)
things are really coming to a ridiculous pass, when even such a History Class.
worm as a country squire, used to being trampled on by the Press, History Class.
without much regard for his feelings, ventures to turn on his perse- Master :-" Who was the most famous clergyman in English
cutors." For the time we were, to put it in the mildest form, history?"
flabbergasted, bat after due rest and refreshment, the joke began shai:p boy (son of an actor) :-" The 'Divine' William!"
to dawn upon our dull comprehension. For fear others may not see
it, and anxious to save our contemporary from the trouble which must "The Cave of Harmony."
inevitably follow if such a statement be left unexplained, we beg to Ma. CAVE leaves Egypt for England on the 14th. A valentine
offer the following, in the hope it may be accepted in the proper more closely connected with the bonds of money than those of love.
quarter. A Justice of the Peace is an owner of the soil, a possessor
of the earth, a worm, an earthworm. (A d- goodnatured friend, WHY are Three Couples going to be Married like one Penny
who has just looked in, says our apology is a good deal worse than Trumpet ?-Because they go two, two, two.








FEBRUARY 9, 1876.]


FUN.


PLAIN-TIVE.
Young lady :-" WELL, SARAH, I SUPPOSE YOU'VE BEEN RECEIVING VALENTINES, LIKE ALL THE REST? "
Sarah :-" YES, MIss, 'EE DID SEND ME ONE, BUT I CAN'T SAY AS I ALTOGETHER LIKED IT "
Young Lady :-" WHY, WHAT WAS WRONG ?"
Sarah:-" WELL, MiSS, IT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SWEET AUBURN, LOVELIEST OF THE PLAIN,' AND ONE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BEIN'
PUT DOWN AS A REGULAR PLAIN, EVEN IF YOU BE THE LOVELIEST ON 'EM. 'Es SHOULDN'T 'AVE GONE FOR TO DONE IT! "


A PRACTICAL VALENTINE.
BY A POOR OLD FOOL.
I'M weak and old and round of back, my hair is scant and grey,
My fortune and my health alike have seen their brightest day.
I've neither wit nor charm of speech, nor any worldly pelf,
And yet I thought to win a maid who'd love me for myself.
I hunted high and low for one who'd youth and grace combine,
And smile upon my dismal lot and be my Valentine.
I hobbled out at night to balls, to concerts, and the play,
I haunted Spelling Bees at eve and Skating Rinks by day.
I squinted through a single glass, and ogled through a pair,
And posed myself near bonnet shops to catch the passing fair;
But lonely on its stalk they left the shrivelled fruit to pine,
And turned their little noses up at such a Valentine.
Meanwhile increasing age let loose the demons of decay,
And some new ache or novel pain got hold of me each day;
My teeth came out, my nose grew red, my cheeks fell farther in,
And still I saw a gleam of hope some woman's love to win.
I did not mind how she might look, or what might be her line,
So she would love me for myself and be my Valentine.
I angled long for many maids, but none of them would bite,
A perfect lady called me fool, a barmaid giggled fright."
At last when black despair had flung his arms about my neck,
A pale-faced maiden passing by took pity on the wreck.
She heard my tale, and straight agreed to cast her lot with mine,
"I'll have you for yourself," she said, and be your Valentine."
When wedlock's charms had made us one-my lady up and said,
" Dost know, old fool, why such as thee I willingly have wed?


A female doctor I would be, but e'er degrees I don
I need an ailing broken man to study physic on.
For draughts and drugs and instruments you'll do as boys say
Finee'
You see I had you for yourself, you poor old Valentine."
Alas, e'er since that fatal day, upon my varied ills,
My spouse has lavished all her wealth of mixture, draughts, and
pills.
That she may study every day my body has to bleed,-
She trusts tr pass on Monday week, I hope she may succeed.
Beneath her practice I have grown as lean as Pharaoh's kine,
Was ever man so used before by any Valentine P

A Little too Thick.
As soon as ever it was known that we were about to issue a special
Valentine Number, several firms eminent in the scent and lace-paper
and love-token line excited our Cupidity, and aroused our astonish-
ment, by the amount and variety of resource exhibited in their manu-
facture. Carefully selecting a hitherto competent contributor, we
requested his critical consideration and poetic effusion, but up to the
time of going to press all he has been able to do is to babble about the
establishment in the Strand. If I'd a belle and loved her well, I'd
often take her to Rimmel; there love-sick legends I would tell, and
out the money ever shell. For oh, if Cupid's qualms you'd quell,
and reciprocitee compel, be not afraid to do what's swell, and at the
shop of sweetest smell, buy what you can't elsewhere excel." We
have discharged this gentleman, taken his valentines away, and
declined to pay him for even as far as he had got. The general
verdict of the other contributors is, "Serve him right; why didn't
you ask me ?"








68 FUN.


[FERIRUARY 9, 1876.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 9, 1876.
[CARTooN.]
RINKOMALEE.
(OR TWADDL OUT-TWADDLED, AND FIDDL]n-DE-DEx!)
WsWHN day begins to fade, and dews from heaven fall,
Men homewars turn not now, but for their sweethearts call.
Away, awyi tia y hie, to slip and slide and Slink,
And thug the watchword passes, Rith, pretty creatures, rink !"
What tho' the seasons shift, and summer comes with heat,
The skater straps his wheels more firmly to his feet.
Once more he calls his love, and as he takes a drink
He vows there are no words like, Rink, pretty creatures, rink! "
The seasons come and go, the men are stout and'slim,
And some are thick of head as well as lithe of limb;
But oh they constant flow,- and as they flow they wink,
And shout again the passwdfd, Rink, pretty creatures, rink! "
And so as life gdes orn a ,i strength begins to fail,
Old men get pushed aside and others ride life's gale.
Yes, typical of life, from which we slowly sink,
Is ever the expression, "Rinik, pretty creatures, rink!"
o-
ONE of the undoubted advantages of wealth when combined with
position is that it enables its possessors to set fashions, expensive
maybe, which are sure to be followed by those of smaller meals and
lower social rank. If the recent a of the recent action of the denizens in Grosvenor-
square should but lead to a fashion, in humnblr rcgi.:.aus, of prosecuting
those parochial contractors who honour thei br"a .:h rather than the
observance of their contracts, we shall have much to be tnhakful for.
We may in such case be even brought to forget, or to ignore, much of
the mischief wrought upon our lower middle classes by a never-failing
propensity for aping the mailers and customs of their betters. The
inhabiants of the palaial locality jist mentioned consider themselves
aggrieved at the manner in which they were treated during the recent
winter weather, and the wicked causes of patrician suffering have been
made to pay the, pelty of their wrongdoing by a police magistrate.
Doubtless, t ae gtet Grosvenor-squariais felt the slight upon their
dignity most intensely; but, if they have suffered, what small words of
ours can express the condition of those whom fortune compels to live
in less carefully tended portions of the great metropolis ? It must be
admitted that, with certain few and favourable exceptions, the con-
dition of the main arteries of London, not only in winter but through-
out the year, is a disgrace, scace, scarcely so much o much to our civilization as to our
common sense and commercial morality. We presume, of course,
that contracts are intended to be kept by all parties, though from
practical experience we should'not be at all surprised to hear that the
legends which appear on scavengers' and dustmen's carts are often
regarded as humorous sallies- appreciable by none se much as by those
who put them there. North, south, east, and west, leading thorough-
fares are to be found which, Saharas in summer, are very Sloughs
o. f Despond during the ether seasons, while the byways won't
bear thinking about except as tributes to the genius of the man who
Points to them as proof that the more important streets- are clean.
The dearth of dustmen when most desired and their plethora on other
occasions we dare not enter upon here. We do think, however, that
if. Local Government is to be carried, on Dirt and Dust must not be
the governors. 'Ihat every man will in a higher state of cultivation
have to scrape his own doorway, and keep his- own portion of the
road in order, we are well, aware, It will, indeed, be a happy time
when the race of servants is extinct, and everyone is his own master,
for then each one will have to take a fair share of what is to -be done,
and even such autocrats autocrats as dustmen and scavengers will have to
do something besides drink beer and smoke, and regard the world as a
beautiful mudbank, embellished with cinders, upon which to lounge
through existence.

CURRENT CORRESPONDENCE.
*a Ihn ~F. begs' tb state that' these communications were not
addressed to him, neither were they intended for publication in these
columns. tew he became possessed' of them he declines to say, but
Ire can at least guarantee that they were written ih sober earnest and'
that no persons will be more surprised than their writers to see them
where- they are. Readers will therefore oblige by checking the
risihg smile, and seeing in these letters nothing but what would have
been apparent had' they appeared, as originally intended, in "our
daily." .
Str,-When Greek meets Greek then. comes the tug of war. This.
favouriie aphorism invented,. I believe, by the late Julius Cesr, of
h]ironr r i emory,'has been my guiding star through life. I am the
championn of the injured and oppressed-the Gre.k who makes it

2 /C-
/
/


warm for the other Greek-the redresser of the wronged ; in fact, sir,
I am one of the chief writers of letters to the daily papers. I am
prepared to discuss any subject which at all interests me, and to
express at any- moment, and on any given point, the views of that
extensive section of the community so incorrectly described by my
friend the sage of Chelsea. (I say my friend, because, in a long
experience of letter writing, I find it is always better to do so with
regard to those who are well known and respected, and then your
communications are sure to have weight; besides, as the letters are
not signed with your own name, nobody knows any better.) During
the dull season I find that any opinion I may express possesses con-
siderable power. As a mother of a family, and also as its father ; as
a poorly paid clerk, ad a banker, as a payer of income-tax, as a
traveller by rail, as one who always walks, as a smoker, a non-smoker,
a permissivite, a lover of drink and freedom, as an employer of labour,
an employee, a student of history, a student of war, a mobilisation
schemer, an opponent of army reform, as a hater of School Boards, as
a School Board man, as a Tory, a Whig, a Conservative, a Liberal, as
a modification of all parties, as one who knows, and as one who would
like to be informed-I have written to the papers,-and may fairly say
I have found invariable insertion. But now, sir, comes my grievance.
The dull season is over, and my chance of appearing in print, and
having a voice in guiding the affairs of the nation, is considerably
lessened-is in some quarters where space is an object during Session
entirely gone for the next few months. I have therefore to propose
that, beating my versatility in mind, and having regard to the fact
that there is no subject upon which I am not prepared to express an
opinion, and that there is nothing I have not gauged to the depths of
my own intellect and the intellects of an admiring circle of friends-I
have to propose, sir, that you will give me anD appointment on your
staff as leader writer, accident and inquest discoverer, dramatic critic,
special bigtyper, secretary, messenger, or in any position you may
anfik fit to appoint as suitable for one to whom salary is not so much
an object as everlasting fame-for one who, remembering the work he
has been engaged on, and the opportunity which gave it rise, presumes
to sign himself, yours obediently, DITCH WATER.
P.r.a-Pleae answer to the initials D. W., and remember remunera-
tidn noft s e much an object as position on the Press.

SiR,-I beg to solicit your co-operation and kind assistance. I
have promulgated a new doctrine, and only require a few subscriptions
and a little encouragement to make it apparent to the most sceptical.
I believe that under the crust of this earth there is another and still
more vasty sphere; beneath that still another, and so on, each one
becoming larger and more lovely till the last is met with. In these
days of discovery you surely will assist me to plant the flags of
England and America side by side in each new empire, and teach the
natives to speak the one tongue which, with a few variations, is the
vernacular of two great nations. I only require some long enough
ladders, a few specimens of green cheese to act as moons when under-
neath, a band of brave and determined fellows, and a little miney.
The last may be first in this case ; and awaiting subscriptions, which
should flow in fast for such a fancy purpose, I am, yours respectfully,
FPLY BUSTER.
SIR,-As a lover of animal life I have watched with some interest
the progress of the present plan for salting roads in frosty weather.
I consider it cruel in the extreme. Everyone must know the effect of
salt upon the tails of poor little birds, and I regret that an idea which
had its orign iin a desire for the extermination of London songsters
should have been carried out to the brackish, not to say bitter, end. I
have not seen them myself, as my associations keep me closely confined
to the house, an are of and are sedentary as well asa'sibillant nature; but I
am credibly informed that both drivers and conductors of 'buses and
trams had, during the recent frost, and where the roads were salted,
any number of larks. In' the name of our common humanity, and
of that which, like yours and aine, is of superior quality,-I protest
against this outrage, and am, with all obedience, yours humani-
tariously, SAMUEL SAP.

SIR,-I think it about time something should be done to pr6tectladies
when walking solitary and alone. I can assure you that from what
I have read in the papers my mind'quite misgives'me when out of an
evening, and though for the past forty years I have anxiously expected
an adventure, it was not till the other night that one arrived. The
nasty fellow was quite old, too, and if I hadn't had presence of mind
to strike him across the spectacles with my umbrella, crush his* hat
down to his shoulders, and scream murder, I don't know what insult
I might not have been subjected to. And'only think of the old villain
saying afterwards that he was simply going to ask his way. That
was what I call adding insult to injury. Please use your powerful
voice to suggest some means by which the' streets after dark may be
kept quite clear of men, then one grateful-heart will beat in-the bbsomtt
of BELINDA BLIGHT.





IF'UTJ.T.-FEBRUARY 9, 187G.


CUP D'S RINK-"THE OUTSIDE EDGE."









?nBRUAaY *, 1876] P'jTN 73


THE UNMOVED ONE;
O1,
Every Home its own Music Iftll.

No. I.-A NICELY-BALANCED MIND. (fuagg's Song.)
A Y natureis plannr'd
/J On a model so,grand,
f- 'i". It Puzzles this mifid of mine,
When anyone grieves,
A lBeluse he receives,
S fA libellous Valentine!
If scurrilous lines
SWith abusive designs
Should come by the score a day,
:My soul is so great,
And defiant of fate,
I'd affably smile and say:-
My dear boys, I can positively assure you-and that without the
slightest egotism on my part-that
By Jupiter and Jingo !
You may go to San Domingo,
Or to Disco, or to Fr'isco, or the Mountains of the Moon,
But you'll never have detected
Any party less affected
By external circumstances on a Sun-day arf-ter-noon !
[Repeat chorus.
I pity the wight
Who can ip and delight
In Cupids and bows and strings;
And what .do I care
For a church in the air
Surrounded with hearts and rings ?
I never did get
A Valentine yet
Like silly insane young sparks;
But if ever I do'
I shall simply pooh-pooh
The notion, with these remarks:-
My dear boys, &c., (tWill oblige again.)

INo. II.-" AIN'T IT THE IMAGE OF PA?"
(The Promising Offspring's Song. Crowded out.)


No.; I.-" r


DRAW THE-LINE AT OWLS!"
Wagg's Second Song.)'


BLESS my soul! Annihilation !
Consternation! Rage! Confusion!
This has missed its destination!
It's an optical delusion! \


W here's our household legislation
When a thing like this can be ?
W ho on earth in alj creation
Dared to forward this to me ?
Bere's a libel gross anid fi'il, sir!
I'm depicted as an owl, sir! .. .
Look! Anowl, silr! Don't '1di seeo?
Some other shape-a pig-an aed-
Would not evoke my scowls, sir-
But here my rage I can't asSuage-
I draw the line at owls, sir !
Chorus.-We'll draw the line at owls, sir-
We'll draw the line at owls, sir-
Though time may drag
And fortune flag-
We'll draw the line at owls, sir !

No. IV.-" MASTER'S RAVIN' DREADFUL!"
(The Housemaid's Song.)













Along o' that 'ere walenine
Of which he's r go his 'ead full s

He's tried to 'ammer out his braifis
Agin' the walls an' windy-panes.
He can't forget a single line
0' that confounded walentije !-
He is a ravin' dreadful !
Chorus.-He is a ravin' dreadfit!'

WANTON WASTE.
A roon woman with four children applied to the Medway Guardians
the other day. She earned eight shillings a week at the most, and
after paying rent and firing and one shilling a week for niinding her
youngest child, she had about four shillings to live on, odi less than
tenpence a week for each soul-if people so poor are, under the present
Relief Laws, allowed to have souls. Strange as it may seem, she
didn't apply for assistance in the ordinary sense of thE word; she
merely stated that as she was compelled to send her children to school,
the Board might supply them with shoes to go in. Nothing of the
kind. "The clerk was directed to reply that the Board considered the
woman's means sufficient to enable her to buy the shoes." And so do we;
and we also think, if they are not of the best patent leather, with
high heels aad spring sides, such cosiiparative wealth as tenpence a
week each and'" find all" is being shamefilly wadte' dhd the mother
6ought to' be made attend the Board School as well as'the children,
and there be taught the folly of improvidence. Surily lrning must,
under these.aid similar circumstances, be foufid very filling by -the
rising generation.

Redress" Wanted.
A MAbbi writes to a contemporary complaiinig that under the
present barraick system, three or four families are rammed into one
room, and that the soldiers' wives and daughters have to dress and
undress in the presence of men entirely unrelated to them. Disgrace-
ful, certainly; but it will be a dangerous thing to make soldiers and
their belongings too modest and decent. If thiy could' prorfrlv
appreciate the proprieties of life they'd leave the army,iri' disgust.
Don't they have to dress in full view of spectators of both Sexes
every time they drill ?

Under the Spell.
SSKATING Rinks and Spelling Bees have evidd4tl amalgamated
their interests: The other day we heard a gentleman announce that
'le was going to have a spell at the Rink.
WHERE THERE'S A WILL."-The Court of Probate.







74FUN. [FEBUAY 9, 1876.

ABOUT "AN UGLY ONE."


THE PURCHASE. THE POSTAGE.


THE PosrMAN'S CURIOSITY. THE SLAVEY'S INQUISITIVENESS.


TE RLCIPIE'S F U THE PAO' ATE
TIHE PERPITRATOR'S FATE.








FamBAuY 9, 1876.] FUiN. 75


VALENTINE'S DAY, FROM THE LADIES' -POINT OF VIEW.
1. The game of Bad-men-ton and Good-men-ton. 2. What's this 'ere T It's the hoffer of my 'and and 'ait." 8. A suggestive queue.
4. Song for the day: 0 'tis love, 'tie love, that makes the world go round." 5. What we suppose it'll come to.


MAKING THE BEST OF IT.
MY Valentine yes, now I know
How wrong it was when, years ago,
In fond embrace entwined,
We heeded not the future day,
But laughed at them whose careful way
Betrayed the plodding mind."
We thought, sweet love, that glowing youth,
Affection's trust, and friendship's truth
Would from us never fall:
We thought of money as but dross,
That gaining wealth was gaining loss,
And Love was lord of all."
We talked of cots in valleys green,
Of life amid a verdant scene-
A life of peace and joy;
And railed at all who love the world,-
Our tiny scorn we freely hurled
When we were girl and boy!
Ah me! what things have come to pass-
How often Time has turned his glass-
Since, childlike, we discoursed;-
So much we know of wedded strife,
And sin, and shame, that, darling wife,
We're best as now-divorced!

The Central Figure.
A FBNIw Head Centre urges Irish patriots not to allow themselves
to be turned aside from the pursuit of their country's independence
by the specious arguments of political adventurers. This may be all
very well from the F. H. C's point of view, but if Paddy ceased con-
tributing specie-ous arguments to their cause, Head Centres and
other political adventurers would have to earn their own livings. That
is, if they cared to live under such frightfully altered circumstances.


WANTED!
Advertisements are inserted in this column gratis, upon national grounds
and with a view to more prominent publicity than they could elsewhere
obtain. The Editor does not hold himself responsible for opinions
expressed by advertisers. Cheques crossed National Non-operative Debit
Bank. No reduction on taking a quantity.
W ANTED, a Gentleman capable of conducting a Cabinet Business,
the present Manager and -Staff being under notice. No literary
man or scions of nobility need offer. Liberal terms. Apply to John
Bull, Esq., Westminster.
W ANTED, a Person thoroughly acquainted with Shipping Matters.
None but a thoroughly competent man will be treated with,
as gross mismanagement has naturally damaged the business. No
followers. Circulars strictly prohibited. Apply to the Admiralty.
WANTED, for the Daily Press, a City Man of honour and
integrity to do the Money Articles. Must be personally
unknown to large speculators, and entirely unconnected with the
Stock Exchange. Perquisites and presents discountenanced. Apply
at the office of the -, or the office of the --, or the office of the
--. No person at present holding a similar position.
W ANTED Immediately, a Dramatic Critic. Must not be a play-
VV wright anxious to get his pieces produced, or a member of any
Theatrical Club. A good opening for a gentleman who does not
require boxes for his friends, or opportunities of slating his enemies.
A journalist and critic who will keep entirely aloof from- professional
wiles and preserve a strict incognito will be handsomely rewarded.
Terms a Guinea a Week, and the approbation of his own conscience.
WANTED, a civil and obliging Railway Porter. One who will
occasionally study the time-bills of the Company. As few of the
station are covered in and the pay is small, robust single men, with
small appetites, will have the preference. Apply at any of the Metro-
politan Stations of the Ever Rough and Never Ready Railway Com-
pany. N.B.-No shoving under trains allowed.







FUN.


[FEDnIIARY~ 0, 1870.


ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
OUNG LOVERS, according to time-honoured
-_"_ _Now send little gifts of artistic design,
"-- Embellished with' verses declaring theij pas-

. And true-lover's knots that with roses entwine.
. Of bowers and blisses they cheerf ully carol,
And prattle of Cupids omnipotent sway;
That wicked young urchin with scanty apparel
Is Master of Hekrts on St. Valentine's Day !
NGENObserve from your window Miss Lilian is peeping
To see if the I.. Jtman is coming in view.
A" M 'Tis whispered she's somebody's heart in her keeping-
r '-u 'And I should imagine it's perfectly true.
There! hark, 'tis his knock with her heart all
a-tremble
IP PSTAMV, She answers the summons with little delay;
_--__ f Thq artful young puss! though she tries to dissemble,
_-_- "'She guesses the sender, this Valentine's Day!
O P There's Clara, fifteen,--how she timidly blushes !
As yet she's a novice in love aid its wiles-
_And when to the door ste delightedly rushes,
N Her innocent face is bedimpled with smiles.
S--She finds, in a box slightly damaged in transit,
A lace-paper trifle, bedecked with a spray
Of scent-laden rose-buds, that tend to enhance it,-
I warrant she's glad it's 8t. Valentine's Day!
Though cynics may sneer at the custom as stupid,
It's fraught with a kind of poetical charm;
And though it may bring us a surfeit of Cupid"
It pleases the darlings and does them no hatmn.
May blesses and happiness ever attend them.
To cankering Grief may they ne'er be a prey-
May Fortune from heart-scathing sorrow defend
(04* them-
Their future be bright as this Valentine's Day.


MORE RAILWAY ACCIDENTS.
YESTERDAY the officials of the L. C. and D. R. Co. were enabled to
state with certainty that the 10.45 Palace would leave Ludgate-hill
before the 11.10 Victoria.
One day last week a Metropolitan Railway porter put an old lady
into her right train, and told her where to change.
On Monday last, the 1.15 express Ranelagh to Rottingdean arrived
punctually at its destination.
Not a single instance of decapitated plate-layer is reported in the
morning's papers.
A gentleman telegraphs from Manchester that he had a basin of
soup at Rugby yesterday, and found it cool enough to finish before
his bell rang.
This morning an elderly gentleman was thrown down at Baker-
street Station by the sudden baicliing of the train after it had stopped,
and was not given into custody for infringing the bye-laws of the
company.

Homely Advice.
Aw advertisement in the Tomes states that WV. wishes to see his
friend particularly at home." That's how we like to see our friends
as a rule, especially when they're out. There is something about this
notice which, though, reminds us of the Irish gentleman who was
particularly annoyed by a persistent and perennial visitor, and who
at last said, The next time you call upon me, sir, I trust it will be in
your own house." But they order these things so much better-at
home.


PROVERBS OF THE FUTURE.
You may lead a man to the asphalt but you can't make him rink.
Never put square men in (slave) circular holes.
Every man puffs his own tobacco.
Sooner or later every express meets its goods train.
It's a strong spine that croquet cannot curve.
One aquarium makes many.

Bully Boys.
IT is said that if the Prince of Wales should visit Lisbon on his
way home, the younger members of the Portuguese nobility intend to
organise a bull-fight on the splendid scale of- former days for the
benefit of the Lisbon crchos. En revarcek, the older members of the
Stock Exchange of London will organise a Bull and Bear fight on the
stupendous scale of modern days, for the benefit of no one in
particular, but in the interest of the public generally.

Too much Conviction.
MRas. PALAAMOP is surprised to hear a gentleman has been in prison
for maintaining that the world is flat. bhe supposes it wilt be high
treason next to say that the Globe is stale and unprofitable.

Not from Hanwell.
WHEN the inmate of a lunatic asylum imagines himself a monarch,
and gives way to waggery, the attendants always address him as
" Your Madjesty."


TAYLOR'S PATENT:
S..... ;:, .... :;"... ,..'. 1 S EW IN G
Pi, 'r., vA,1" E DMACH IN ES III
"ARE THE VERY BEST."


r CALTHROP'8.) -.;, : PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
& ...0 I ,..O a eh W. CAUTION.-If Cocoa tkicke- in th, cup it proves the addition f ( A


76








FEnavAny 16, 1876.] F U N 77


"SWINDLED."
I sENT a valentine, bedecked
With lots of little fancy flowers-
And, if I rightly recollect,
Its motto spoke of lover's bowers."
I mentioned not the sender's name
(Alas, I bitterly repent it !)- o it b
I thought to hint my ardent flame
To Madeline; but (cruel shame!)
She fancies caddish Johnson sent it !
Now Jehnson is, you'll understand, _-
An idiot-to speak unkindly,
A sort of being Nature planned,
To muddle through existence blindly;
But though not overstocked with brains,
He'll talk of love as if he meant it.- j
When he appears my glory wanes,
And that sufficiently explains
Why she imagines Johnson sent it !
My hopes are withered in the bud,
But nought shall from one purpose turn me !-
Revenge! 'tis only Johnson's blood
Can ease the agonies that burn me.-
My little plans are all destroyed,
My heart is crushed-in twain she's rent it;
I looked for pleasure unalloyed,
But all within's an aching void,
Because she fancies Johnson Eent it .

Questions and Answers.
WHEN is a conundrum like a fugitive slave ?-When
you give it up. When do you give up a fugitive
slave ?-When you have a Conservative Government.
When have you a Conservative Government ?-When
your ships are at the bottom of the sea, your army a
in open mutiny, your politics on the Stock Exchange,
and the country enjoying a quiet deze. Would a
Conservative Government answer as you have done ?-
No; a Conservative Government never answers at all.

CAN the scenery of macted dramas be called un- A SPELLING B-EAUTY.
scenery? "Now, CAN YOU SPELL ECSTASY?"-4" YES. V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-R!"


ROERTY as he looked on with a club; but when he went away for a moment,
ON REDISTRIBUTION OF PROPERTY. somebody who was strong would knock over somebody who was weak,
THERE was a certain indigent nigger in Central Africa who and appropriate his blue beads and teethpick. So, though greatly
suddenly arrived at a perception of the wickedness of one person's against his nature, the King was obliged to order an equal distribution
possessing more worldly goods than another, and determined to work of muscles among his subjects, and it took several days to cut bits off
a reformation in the State. So he suggested that everyone should some and stick them on to others, and weigh them all accurately.
only have two blue beads and a toothpick, and that nobody should be However, it got done, and then the King felt sure he had settled the
called "Mister" ; and that all the superfluous blue beads and tooth- affair; but next day the clever ones had wheedled the stupid ones into
picks should come to him to pay the expenses he incurred in giving parting with their blue beads and toothpicks, and everything had gone
the other niggers advice, and that the form of Government should unequal again. The King then began to be seriously of opinion that
be a Commune, and that he should be King of it. His brother something really was wrong with that Commune, but he smothered
niggers at once saw the brilliancy of the notion, and prepared to act his uneasiness and determined to try one last expedient. He ordered
upon it. They took their two blue beads and their toothpick apiece an equal distribution of brains in his kingdom; but whether the opera-
the next morning and seemed to be getting on famously; and the tien was successful in securing the desired result is not yet known, as
indigent nigger (now King) quite hugged himself with satisfaction, our correspondent left in his own canoe, while the native surgeons
Nothing like equal distribution of property to make a nation happy," were sharpening their knives to the exact pitch necessary for so dread-
he said; and set out to take an evening's walk round his State: but fully delicate an operation.
what was his consternation on finding that some of his niggers had
four blue beads, and some of them hadn't any at all.
"What's all this ?" he said, calling them all before him to be re- Safe Bind, Safe Find.
primanded. "Um engage in mercantile persoots, an' some on 'em THES Safe Deposit Company announces that its main object is to
make bad bargains, an' some on 'em make good uns, yah! said their provide the public with a secure but inexpensive repository for
spokesman. So the king very reluctantly forbade any more mercan- valuables of every description, thus obviating the harassing strain
tile pursuits, and ordered them to resume their two blue beads and a occasioned by the personal custody of such property. After this
toothpick all round. But the next day the property had got wrong statement the public will not be surprised to learn that "a room is
again, and the King again asked the cause. "Um fight for de propty; specially adapted and reserved for ladies." The Company should do
and strong 'uns win an' weak 'uns lose!" said the spokesman. So the a good stroke of business.
King forbade any fights; but still, next evening, the goods were once
more unequally distributed, and the King once more inquired the New Reading.
reason. "Um play games, and some on 'em's sharp an' wins, and AN ostler at Hammermith has been brought to grief judicial for
some on 'em isn't an' don't, yuk explained the spokesman once biting his master's thumb. Rash ostler, why wert thou not content
more. "An' some on 'em steals, yah!" with biting thine own thumb ? Why try to improve on the Bard ?
The King was getting dreadfully puzzled, and thought there must New readings are successful sometimes, but thumbtimes not.
be something wrong with that Commune; but, redistributing the
blue beads and toothpicks, he forbade any intercommunication what-
ever, and ordered everybody to sit quite still. This succeeded so long ARTISTic DIrFIcuLTY.-Drawing a cheque.

VOL. XXInI.











7s' F.T

.FyUN O.Fai Wednesday, Feb. 16, 1876.
[CARToon.]
OUR ARMY.-A VERY BLANK DISCUSSION.
SCENE: Whereveryoulike, near rWetminster, with .?ec 'i Sergeants
in the back and foreground. Bills everywhere stating that f-xxE MAJESTY
wishes for sma t Soldiers, and that a free kit and fourenyes-a dao) with
distant prospect of pren"t oii., na be cocfldestly expected. British
Worknen looking' on, and 6es'derig when the business of enlistment is
going to begin.,
FnIts SERGEANT. Nowv, smart young men, be brisk and take
The shillings of Her Majesty the Queen;
Then doit the uniform of England's sons
And join throughmo a glorious band of brothers.
WoLum.A2N. What d6 you offer us in this employ ?
Say, shall we freedom have and due promotion ?
What of but children and our wives-if wed-
May we not- ask for them fair human treatment ?
FiRsr SERGEANT. I fancy much depends upon the chance
You run it joining various regiments.
But this I know, that wives have little care-
Or children either-in a soldier's service.
His care is for his country.
SzECOA SROEANTe. Is he not well paid?
Thea why should he prate decency and honour ?
'WolnKAR. Comrades, yot'a'e right; and we were thoughtless, wrong,
To think that soldiers might claim Christian cause.
To wives and families such pauper kine
Should not prefted-so once again you're right.
Still, as by labour we can make our way,
We'll leave enlisting to a future day.
(Sergeants who had .oduced shillings put then back desperately, and
British Torkmen eipart, believing more than ever in the eflfcacy of peace
work.)
-a-
THE admirers of Muscular Christianity-and especially those who use
the term in its literal sense- will be pleased to hear that the gentleman
from America who walked for twenty-four hours last week, at the
Agricultural Hall, is, when at home, a Methodist preacher. Itinerant
preacher is, we believe, the title, and no one can say that preaching
and practice were ever more in unison. Teetotallers, and enemies of
tobacco too, should feel glorified as well for it is stated "on
authority" that Mr; 'Weston never touches intoxicating drinks, and
that the noxious weed stinks more in his nostrils than it did in those
of another subduer of the English race, great King Jamie. Indeed, it
is said that had it not been for the agony endured by Mr. Weston
during his walk at the sight of the crowds round the refreshment
bars, increased as it was by the smell from innumerable pipes and
cigars placidly smoked in spite of the published prohibition of tobacco,
and the overthrow of English pedestrian prominence, he would
undoubtedly have accomplished the task he set himself, and covered
115 miles in the given time. Perhaps a few of those who neither
smoke nor drink, but who love their island home, may see in this some
reason for abating a little of their disgust at what they have hitherto
considered pernicious practices. Fallen we are as it is-how much
greater would not have been the depths of our degradation but for
the effect wrought upon the sensitive nerves of Mr. Weston the wonder
by the sight of beer and the smell of tobacco!

GROOVES.
PEOPLE rail at this life, as if better
Could be had for the price that We pay
For the act which made Adam Death's debtor,
And his sons, to the lattermost day.
'To the grave every life-path converges
Like rays to the Sun, and we move,
ITndisturbed by Time's heaviest surges,
Still guided along in Life's groove l
Life in these rapid days of progression
In grooves of man's fashioning runs-
But 'tis made a more risky possession
By Railways and rifle bored Guns !
So these modern inventions in grooving
Yet lead to one goal as of yore!
But along them Death to us is moving
More quickly than ever before !

THoUGH it may seem strange, it is true that there can be now seen
on the darkest nights, a Peep o' Day.


[FzmuuAnY 16, 1876.


THE UNBIASSED DEPUTATION;
OR,'
Every Ministerial Sanctum its, own, Music- Ball.
(ArPOPos OF A RECENT DEPUMATION TW'TBTEPI{PEMIl.)


No. I. -"I HEARTILY CONCUR."
(The Prime Minister's Song.)
ALTHOUGH I'm not aware ti' whwt
You're all about to say,
Nor yet a whit concerned with'it
In any mortal way;
Yet (as it's right to be polite),
Permit me to aver,
In ev'ry view advanced by you
I heartily concur!
My satisfaction will btegreat'
In lending my approval's weight
To ev'ry plan, I beg to state,
That you may chance to advocatu-
Ri tum tee looral looral looral Iooral looral lay '.


And feeling sure you're all as pure
And all as good as gold,
I can't do less than acquiesce
In all the views you hold;
It's plain to me, whatever may bbh
Your theory or creed-
It's plain as light !- it must be- right,
By Jove It must indeed!
In possibility's expanse
There isn't the remotest chance,
The Government could look-askance
On any views that yCou advance,
Ri tum, &o., &c. (Bsrakdlwn)}

No. II.-" THE GOOD LITTLE DEPUTATION !"
(The Song of the Deputation of-say, for the sake of argument,-Ship-
owners.)
We cannot but feel that we act for the best
In explaining that this deputation,
In every plan it may haply suggest,
Is consulting the good of the nation.
That any trade-party has ever been known
To allow the minutest precedence
To interests even remotely its own
Is a tale too unlikely for. credence!
When, therefore, we ask you such laws to provide
As may favour our views of the question,
It's more for the gcod of the opposite side
Than our own that we make the suggestion.
And you will (f a surety, seeing our purety,
F.,vour the application
Ofour very white-vested and disinterested
And good little Deputation!
Decidedly we should be dreadfully raw,
And our eyes would protrude from their sockets,
If anyone said that we wanted the law
To assist us in lining our pockets!
But we beg to predict your obtaining with ease
Our sanction most gracious and hearty,
To laws which permit us to do as we please,
While binding the opposite party.
So, when in our fingers we wish to secure
The fate of the whole of creation-
We beg to assure you, by all that is pure,
It is all for the good of the nation!
The sourest ascetic would feel sympathetic
To see the self-abnegation
Of our very white-vested and disinterestel
And good little Deputation!

No. III.-" THE KIND OF LAWS TO SUIT THEM."
(The Song of the Iitroducer of the Deputation-of--well, we wILL s&an, for
the sake of argument,-Shipowners.)
When laws concerning life at sea.
Were recently suggested,
Tl. ese gentlemen began to be
Extremely interested':


I








FznItuABY 16, 1876.] 79


They owning ships themselves, it's plain
That any bare suggestion
Of personal or selfish gain
I& simply out of question.
And-o, they thought-since you insist
On making laws to guide them-
IS such enaotments must exist,
They might; as well provide them.
I feel:ooninced that neither vain
Nor biassedeyou'll repute them.
Whlen-quite ignoring loss or gain-
They unreservedly explain
The kind of laws to suit them.
CovBus.-We feel convinced, &oc.
They beg to.eay they don't agree
With irksome legislation-
Their ships must be entirely free
From all exraination.
All interference, to condemn
Their principal desire is :
.' You'll leave the whole affair to them
And won't make no inquiries."
And, let who may pretend to doubt,
Or question or confute them,
They're certfj .these would be about
'Thekindof laws to suiL them!
Grand chorus, as before.

No. IV. WE'LL CAREFULLY CONSIDER."
(The ,wnier's Song.)

No. V. -"THANK 'EE KINDLY: OFF WE GO!"
(Special Chorusfnrt $eputation of--,ai deeidediy !.rA-hapowners.)

No. VI. "THEY ARB SUCH A DISINTERESTED LOT!"
(John Bull's Sog ; to be sung with a knowing expression of qlnieinM.)

Dry Bones of Co, fort..
ONE of those gentlemen who are ever ready to .ettle ot-her pqple's
problems writes to a Scotch paper to prove b how eafyj-t-wopld be to
entirely reconstruct the army. After remoUiingiWie-Bd;.batfthee
writer would constitute skeleton regiments, having the skeleton
companies of each regiment complete in all their parts up to a certain
point, ready to be filled up with rank and file." As the chief
difficulty at present is the difficulty of obtaining rank and file in lieu
of the skeletons which will keep peeping out of regimental closets, we
are bound to regard the effusion as, but a Scotch Joke after all.
Which, as everyone knows, is but the skeleton portion of jocularity,
and, like the writer's proposition, wants filling up" badly.

An Unwelcome Sign.
A sca'zzE has been floated by means of circulars to .corporate
bodies for giving a National Welcome Home to his Royal Highness
the Prince of Wales." From external appearances the idea seems
closely associated with Hospital Saturdays and the improper use of a
Lord Mayor's name. We shall wait anxiously for the ladies at the
street corner with the tables and the little boys and the boxes for the
collection of cheers.
Billowe there I
IT is whispered that Citizen Kenealy intends to introduce several
Bills this session. We have the lowest authority for stating the
Bills alluded to are those which were posted at Hartlepool, and sub-
sequently mentioned in a County Court.

Localliesation.
Ruroun states that an American journalist is about to start a local
paper of peculiar construction" in an outlying district of London.
The choice of locality is significant, outlying is a peculiar talent of the
American journalist.


To Loversof Etiquette.
Tan coolies.who have the task of breezening the Prince of Wales,
when Hindooretae the most unkahtihous in I di


HERE, THERS, AND RVFlEYWIHERE.
THx history of, a country, as told by jts .ramatists, isVAturally
peculiar and somewhat contradictory; the history of England, told
anyhow and under any circumstances, abounds ina hat. it would be
folly to call by.either of such mild terms. And among aeth ppecliar
people who have appeared in the most varied and contradctiry, his-
torical apparel, perhaps the one who-stands foremost is Anne Xreyn.
Sympathisers with the unfortunate Katherine have no good woid to
say for Henry's second wife-in fact, they.grudge her even this mall
greatness-and find it in their hearts not only to believe all that was
said of her in her own time, but invent various additional wealkpsses
which, like most inventions, are often believed in more strongly than
the original charges. Others, on the contrary, regard the ambitious
ztmaid of honour as an angel of light, as a brand snatched from the
buninag with a view to th, dseBaination of all that is good AadAglo-
rions throughout a benigbhte ngdom. This seems to be the view$now
tjleep at the Haymarket, where Anne Boleyn is presented, not only as
fte ong-suffering Queen, but ga Defender of those Faith as well. .It is
quite-a novelty to have to find fault with the constructive power of
Mr'-Tom Taylor, for whater ,,may be his other shortcomings as a
dramatist, want of knowl#g4a. of" the unities" has not hitherto been
fOut among them. Qui4te4hs reverse, Mr. Taylor having over and
aga inpoved himself the gatp@( t living master of stage situation. In
=hl., mOrecent production howeverr, the author is for once at fault,
ie main incidents a, the. tiit.act having nothing whatever to do with
what fo,lo-s, whilthLany of oeLa the subsequent proceedings could
fairly l. dispensed with. As a or ,:lt "in historical drama .anne
:*,*tn\deserves careful anAd e.n~idrat; study, as there are few writers
wbo- would dare to produce a piy gtAing with the first great change
in thelife of Henry the Sjghth, and-ppntaining but the mereat pass-
ing ,mention of Katherine and* WoIy. Perhaps in working up
sympathy for Anne it was necessary bo leave out the first sufferer; but
why omit the second ? It couldn't be 1,r fear of challenging com-
parison with a writer who has gqne _bfore-Mr. Taylor wouldn't be
afraid of that! Any buw, the noiaon id n1w, wichl is eayiga jreat
deal, especially when every cir0iste n in connection with theapiece
is duly considered.
One of the most pleasant refietion to which Annr Boleyn gives rise
-is that it employs a&more than usually. large number of- real artists.
While dresses and scenery have not 4sn orgotten---are thoroughly
up to the requirements et so important a prodiotioen-iii areototo see
that money has not been frittered away in pageantry anid. ogepsBated
for by the introduction .f. sup gn me ries in parts requaig jiq gors.
Now and again some one, of cosure, doesn't iurn out as well was
qspecled, but on the whole the cas is admiraWe. There is, perhaps,
too -much of the Vinces. uasaglesa -beool about one or two, o" the
characters, but even that has its advantages, wh'le those aeo~spwho
are good are very good indeed. Messrs. Harcourt, Forbes-Rob Ison,
Matthison (who sings Wyatt's famous song famously), Kyrle, and
Howe deserve, individually, much more than the word of praise we
can only spare them collectively. Miss Neilson shows a very decided
improvement, and with a little less to do will do it still better; while
the Jane Seymour of Miss Carlisle is a real histrionic treat. Alto-
gether, it is to be hoped that, pared down and pruned of a few mildly
objectionable incidents, Anne Boleyn may rival in length of run other
historical pieces which have preceded it from the same pen-may even
favourably compare with i's own length on the opening night.
The Duke's Daughter, at the Globe Theatre, may be safely recom-
mended to those who are anxious to experience the sensations to which
opera-bouffe gives rise,.and yet, are afraid for their morality. It would
have been hard to imagine the notorious Timbale d'Argent capable of
treatment so decorous as that it has received, and despite the many
outcries which have been made as to the iniquity of opera-bouffe, the
Duke's Daughter would not raise a blush upon the most sensitively
virtuous or maidenly modest cheek. A high degree of decorum is,
though, not arrived at without some slight sacrifice, and it must -be
admitted that now and again the business is just a trifle dull. How-
ever, with Mesdames Rachel Sanger, Pauline Rita, and Dolaro to sing
to and otherwise amuse the audience, the shortcomings of a most
virtuous and innocuous English librettist are soon forgotten, and
the past recollection of sweet notes, together with the present posses-
sion of an upright conscience, cheers the weary wayfarer upon his
homeward road, and gives his ultimate evening meal an unwonted
flavour.
Denizens of the N. W. district may realise the proverb, "-Gofarther
and fare worse if t'ey neglect the attractions of the Park Theatre.
A very pleasant evening may be spent in this bijou hose, at which
good writing, and acting-more than usually to match, are provided.
We regret to hear that Mr. Cave, who during his term of office
worked both conscientiously and well, has left the Alhambra.


A MIss-CALCULATIO.--Ho -many -valentines she should get on THE B's AT WHICH MEN TAKE THE LONGiBT SPELL.-Bacca, Back-
the 14th. ing, Bacchus.









80 FU N. [FEBRUARY 16, 1876.


WOMAN'S WAY."
Study of two little dears who have met on a narrow bridge where there is no room to pass. As a matter of course, neither will give way or go
back an inch, yet both are saying the sweetest and most polite things in the world.


DOTS AND LINES. We trust the Emperor of all the Russias will not consider this a way
of in-Sultan him through his son-in-law, =Disraeli House-ted. Con-
SouTH Shields boarding-house keeper fined 25 for crimping. servative spectacle: Cabinet Minister cabbin' it home during the
Why then should Billingsgate go unpunished? South Shields must reading of the Queen's Speech.
object to South shielded. = Provincial music-hall man writes to local
paper to say he doesn't allow double entendres at his establishment. All P&RLIAXENTARY;
his vocalists are sing-girl intenders. = Mr. Jefferson Davis denies
emphatically that he was cruel to Federal prisoners. But why WE understand that the following Bills will be introduced during
emphatically? Is it because American statesmen's ordinary utterances the present Session:-
are hardly trustworthy ? If so, there isn't so much difference, after all, A Bill to make Walker's Dictionary illegal at Spelling Bees.
between a great Republic and a limited Monarchy. = Sheffield paper A Bill to close the Marble Arch at six o'clock every evening.
says, only those gifted with prophetic powers can say what may happen A Bill to make drinking compulsory between the ages of sixteen and
within the next few weeks in Spain. If anyone of the really gifted sixty.
will try his prophetic hand, he can have good odds he's wrong. Only A Bill to abolish chimney-pot hats.
to ready cash, though. = Wakefield Rolling Stock Company declares a A Bill to regulate the price of old china teapots.
dividend of seven per cent. Rolling stocks seem much better invest- A Bill to legalize the flogging of their fares by drunken cabmen.
ments than rolling stones-unless the proverb lies. = Man fined in the A Bill to place the Stock Exchange under police supervision.
"mitigated penalty" of 12 10s. for hawking cigars at Doncaster. A Bill to make the use of the word reverend as applied to her
Are we, then, to regard hawking cigars as a fowl practice? We Majesty's subjects a misdemeanor.
always thought it was at race times a matter of course." = Opening A Bill to raze the Albert Hall to the ground.
of Parliament by her Majesty in person. Currently reported that she
considers London very much altered. = Rotherham youth all but" A Burning Question.
murders his mother. Subsequently (and consequently) discovered to Ma. BURas has urged upon the Government his scheme of training
be a deserter. Note for future lexicographers: Deserter, one who ships. Burns and training ships have recently been brought into
administers deserts. = Telegram from Egypt states that Mr. Cave such close connection that they should know a good deal about each
is on a visit to the sugar refineries of the country. Naturally; he went other. Ask the boys.
out to arrange the "sugar" question, to speak candidly. = Captain
H.R.H. the Duke of Edinburgh appointed to command H.M.S. Sultan. THE BILL OF THE PLAY.-Bill Shakespeare.






]- i1FUJN .- EBwAuARY 16, 1876. I


THE ARMY OF THE FUTURE.
DEDICATED TO THOSE WHO WOULD IMPROVE ITS POSITION- BUT ARE AFRAID TO PAY
THE PROPER PRICE.







FEmauAY 16, 1876.]


A CRY FOR HELP.
WaEN sunlit day has passed away,
And night is slowly stealing o'er us-
When we would hide by home fireside
The gloom that darkly lies before us-
When visions bright of home delight
Imbue true hearts with love undying,-
Hear then the wail that fills the gale!
The wail of want, for ever crying.
For those who toil and, hungry, moil,
Who sleep down in the cellar lowly,
Or, crushed with care in garret bare,
Stitch, stitch, as day lags coldly, slowly-
No choice but must, on scanty crust,
Scarce keeping life and limb together;-
Ye young and fair give tender care
To sister starved in wintry weather.
When wintry blast, with snowflakes cast,-
And bitter frost make all things dreary-
When want and cold take firmer hold-
Then little hope for worn and weary;
The thinly clad, the crushed and sad,
Remind us of a claim that's holy,
And Motley now, with thoughtful brow,
Cries Give! 'tis for the poor and lowly."
Let Motley cry to passers-by
That fill the busy, crowded city,
Here at your feet, in every street,
Are those that, wailing, crave your pity."
Throughout the land stretch forth each hand--
Lo Famine for his prey is greedy.
Come "shop," come "swells," let "madcap bells"
Ring, Rouse, and help the poor and needy!"

Where are We Now?
TRBs question of writing the names of streets upon
corner and other lamps is shortly to be broached again.
It is too much to hope that such a salutary reform
will speedily be brought about. Vestrydom is at pre-
sent thickly inhabited by bigots whoobject to light
reading.


THE GREAT OVERFLOW OF AFFECTION.
And the one man upon his round who didn't enter into the spirit of the ti,.


are alone worth double the money charged for "the entire collection.'
SOME MAGAZINES FOac FEBRUARY. To our fancy Bret Harte is hardly making a success of his first serial,
IN- _facnillan Mr. Black settles down somewhat with his second now seeing the light in Scribner's. This may be because of the extra
instalment-of Madcap Violet," and we begin to obtain more defined good quality of the rest of the work, best among which are the articles
notion as to the personages engaged therein. Professor Huxley's treating on the period of the Revolution. The International Re.vicu is
lecture on'he Border Territory betweenthe Animal and the Vegetable also issued by an American firm or its agents here, and appears six
Kingdoms" is extremely interesting, and would doubtless meet the times a year. It is similar to our" quarterlies," with the exception that
approvdlof the possessors of the neutral ground if, by any scientific it is justas good as it professes to be. Soeven in themidst of similarity
method, it could be applied to them. Some day We may hope to see there is great want of it. While on the subject of American public-
brain-trtnsgnitters and ability engines as'oomnonoin the lecture room tions, a word may be said for Messrs. Cook's guide to exhibitors at
as air pumps and galvanic batteries are now. We trust, however, Philadelphia. It seems very accurate, and should be read by all who
that neither the lower animal nor the vegetable kingdom will be have goods to transmit. From the same firm we receive the Fxcur-
allowed umch of the advantage of these appliances of the future until sionist, which is already full of topics for travellers.
the bulk of'the population has been performed on. Then, when every- Mr. Farjeon's Duchess of Rosemary Lane makes the rest of
body is his own Tyndall, or, if he prefers it, his Huxley or Richardson, Tinsley's very poor reading. The portrayal of low life in London is
and when London is one~ uge Royal Society, and the School Board is extremely difficult, writers generally fancying they have arrived at
left far behind,-then'the process of educating the animal world to a the root of all knowledge before they have well commenced the
sense of its duties in that sphere, &c., &c., may be commenced. study. We are glad to note this is not the way with Mr. Farjeon,
Mr. Hepworth Dixon, well as he writes, will not make many who neither presumes upon the ignorance nor insults the knowledge
proselytes oy his article in the Gentleman's, which, with the essay on of his readers. In the St. James's there is a healthy article called
Lady TeaEle," divides thf honours this month. Thb panegyric on a Mud Moralists," which would have been better, when style and
young mar- who, unfortunately for himself and friends, happened to subject are considered, if the signature had been less like that of the
die before he had doneeverything, is out of place. If written at all, it Chelsea champion of order and morality. Sir Hubert's Marriage"
should have been for private circulation along with the more elderly and the editor's Olla Podrida" are worth reading.
hero-worship which must actonish all those readers who do not care We have only room to acknowledge receipt of the Leisure Hour and
for a pigmy pantheism. Miss Braddon's new novel is, of course, the the Sunday at Home, the Argosy, Once a Week, St. Nicholas (Scribner
attraction of Belgravia. It -is fortunate in its illustrator, and a happy Junior), The Life Boat (a most interesting number this), Peep Show,
combination of art and literature is so rare in modern magazine days Gardener's Magazine, Pictorial World, PRuny Illustrated, Celtic
that we need say no more. London Society is extremely readable, Magazine, Golden Hours, Hardwicke's Science Gossip, Good Things,
Genius en Ndglig being the best of the occasional papers. Of the evening Hours, Photographic News, Journal of Horticulture, Westminster
NI nautical Magazine we can hardly speak critically. We may note, Papers, &c., &c.
however, that it possesses plenty of opinions, and must be quite a com-
fort to seme folks who would lodk elsewhere in vain for support. The Statu(t)e Fair.
The Atlantic Monthly claims attention this month chiefly on account A. YOUNG person advertises her desire to be a lady-help undar the
of its admirable reviews of home and foreign work. A small paper by assumed name of Clytie." She couldn't have chosen a better. If a
Maeh Twai'n is hardly up to that water's best form," but a poem by lady- help means anything at all, it's something to stick on a pedestal
Trovwbridge and another by Emerson (the great transatlantic thinker) and lo.0k at.


FUT -.









rFUN.-


EPISODES IN THE LIVES OF OBSCURE INDIVIDUALS.-MR. SHYE.


He makes his first appearance at an evening party, and is immediately introduced
to an eligible partner for a waltz.


"Now what do you do Mr. S. murmurs
that he's er-er in the City.


The deux temps.


Is again introduced to an eligible partner Sinks exhausted.
this time for a ga!op.


And gracefully retires. Quantum Buff. P.S.-An antimacassar
accompanies him.


A QUEER QUEST.
A DISCHARGED servant having sought refuge from her woes and
wearinesses in "another place" via the Regen'ts Canal, a sub-coroner,
instigated by one of his jurymen, took it upon himself to censure the
girl's mistress for discharging her. It was evident that this sub-
coroner and British juryman imagined a housewife's knowledge of
what was to happen in the future to be unlimited- like their know-
ledge of their own powers in the present. The notion to which these
worthies gave utterance is so monstrously ridiculous that it carries
its own condemnation with it; but in the event of any servant girl
being detained in her sittivation" against her will, for fear of what
might happen if let go, or if any mistress is driven to commit suicide
herself as the only way of getting rid of a dingy domestic, we shall
know where to look for and obtain aid, advice, and consolation for
the survivor or survivors, their heirs, executors, administrators, and
assigns, or any of them. Perhaps, though, before that time arrives,


some one will have instructed coroners, their deputy sub-assistants,
and other familiars, what are the duties of the offices held by them.
Just now, like most folk hazy of their own road, they are ever
anxious to show others the way, and, while most ignorant of the law
of the land, to sow their notion of its precepts broadcast among all
with whom they come in contact.

Going too Far.
SOMEBODY sends us a long and not particularly clear joke about
an advertisement commencing Muff lost." Our correspondent is
evidently anxious to prove that muffs, of one kind at all events, are
neither scarce nor valuable just now. When they become so, we'll
communicate further.
A PRovERB ron Le Follet.-A bird in the bush is worth" two in
the bonnet.


This is the youth.








FSuAar 16, 1876.j FUN. 85


"THE HYDROSTATIC VAN."
DEDICATION.
MY DEAu SILENUS,-I dedicate this story to you, not because it
advocates your peculiar notions, but as a tribute of sympathy witl
you in your gallant efforts to jollify humanity. Moreover, I believe
the faculty of seeing double, which you possess, and your liability tc
periodical attacks of dipsomania, -will enable you to vouch for the
truth of every incident herein depicted.-Yours faithfully,
S MUCHAUSEN JENKYNS.
CHAPTER I.-A DRoP TOO MUCH.
One bright November afternoon the famous 'transatlantic aerial
mail boat, Ginx's Baby, might have been observed with the nude eye.
hovering about thirty miles above the esath. Its occupants wesi an
American Princess, a Secretary of Horse Marine, and the son of an
emine~Aitamanufacturer. "I am thirsty," exclaimed the Prineess,
give me to drink." The Secretary immediately handed her his
brandy 'flask, but the Princess waved him superciliously to the nor-
by.natceast. I am a total abstainer; yon water will suffice to quench
my ftarst." Let me beseech you, madame, to take a little spirit,"
urgedli&& Secretary, 'at'is height cold water would be a dangerous
beWgmge." Bait the Princess was obstinate, and dashed across tse
deck at, the water keg. Alas! in her excitement she lost her
equilibrium and went crashing overboard-down-down on the earth
beneath. The balloon was at that moment in a straight line with
the Dukeof York's steps.
a'Go d;gracious, m!'" exclaimed a gentleman onthe third step (his
externAL, appearance bespoke a Prince of American extraction).
"Goodgracous, me'! what's that" Hle broke into a violent
p of "'and leaanedagainst a.lamp-post'for support. "Havea drop
of b 4" -said.nabystander, who noticed his emotion. "No, thanks.
AMciiEla drinking fountain." He eagerly drained a ladle of the
lin' lfi4id; and three days afterwards twelve respectable English-
men remarked about him, Died from a chill to the system caused by
cold water on the serum."

CHAPTER II.-DEATH IN THE FILTER.'
Meanwhile the Secretary and the Filter-maker's son had descended to
earth also. Bigphool," said the former, if you run away and hide
yourself I shan't be suspected of murder. Let's have a drop of brandy
and talk it over. No," replied the young man, I have one of my
father's filters in my pocket, let us empty that." That night Bigphool
had brain fever in the midland counties, and was taken charge of by a
benevolent murderer who happened to be passing. The Secretary had
drunk too much water to hide himself with safety, so retired to his
official residence and quietly awaited the issue.

CHAPTER III.-A DRINK O' WATER.
"Please I want to see the Secretary of Horse Marine.".
"I am he."
Oh, I'm a detective, and I've come to run you in for chucking an
American princess out of a balloon."
"I never did it; I have a witness who can prove my innocence."
"Where is 'he ?"
"Unfortunately he died last night in the midland counties of water
on the brain."
"Then nothing can save you from the gallows."
"Are you quite sure ? "
Quite."
Have a drink ?"
Well, I'm thirsty, but I'm a totaller. PWhere can I get a drink
o' water ?"
"Step into my bedroom, there's a first-class tap in the jug-real
spring pumpenheimer.
That night London Society was startled by the report that the
Secretary of Horse Marine had been accused of murder, and while his
captor was having a drop of water had escaped up the chimney.


Alas exclaimed the Secretary, as he sat alone on the binnacle-
bow, "all my troubles have been brought about by water. The
Princess fell out of the aerial ship trying tcame it Her husband
Sand Bigphool died from drinking it; and now this ship's on fire
Because there's nothing else on beard, and the sailors have set light to
Sit out of revenge."
SHere a big wave cut,.aim short -and carried him out to end his
Minutes in-the WATEn. '


"A DISMAL SWAMP."
They te lfV a-ym'i e-aged mam wo. 'lot16 ie wig over a scoundrel he had
Defended, asnuAwio, mildeuly disweagIro*Leal circles, was too often heard
of again. As he hadt equentayAn'his .a&agstjcl ed that his client was the
victim of -eonspir"w,t is -supposed that ihewadered into the-tail of a Royal
procession, and was elsesly *lost among'ihatagrag and bobtagl-Anoi.
,Dzrz m l. him.-a ell too cold aud ...:
Sor a Birt. of bloedso blue,
So avely I'll shoulder my-laous gamp,
AmA:drive to the enemies' 'sinftlsr1 ap"
Ina4beautiful coach and two.
His porfiy form, oh, I soon shall tseel
And his 'h '-less accents hear,
For I'll follow the Queen as a proudE... -'
And bid her the lanquishing one set free,
V While the people of England cheer.'
Awaytofhetsinful camp heBpeeds,
His hpsahlwas rugged and sore4
Through 1'elmeted men on prancing Ate~s,
With an eye to his henchmen'seidubtfduld&eda,
While his banners wave before.
He saw the camp, and a smile so bright
Quick over his features played ;
But a sudden manoeuvre snuffed it Tight,
And his followers took to instant fl;.t
When a constable's charger neighed.
Then he hallooed.aloud, "Be game Be game "
But never a one would halt;
They had scuttled away when the moment came
To fillip a demagogue's fetid fame,
And punish a nation's fault."
And still in that cell so cold and damp
The "baronet" spends his days.
No more shall the dewy one roar and ramp,
For ridicule's heel with a mighty stamp
Hath ended a puny craze.

WWhitey-Blackie.
PROFESSOR BLACKIE in a recent speech declared that many a poor
wretched creature, white about the gills and not able to digest his food,
who creeps and stumbles up into the pulpit and then delivers a dreary,
slow, weak sermon," might, if he took to drilling," turn out a proper
man." Half way only can we go with you, Professor. We grant the
gills, the indigestion, and the slow sermons, but it is exactly these
persons who do turn out proper men and keep -them out. As to the
drilling, there would be a great difficulty about standing at ease.
Some clergymen won't stand at anything.

Like cures Like.
AN inquiry has been ordered by the Board of Trade into the existence
of scurvy on board the ship Royal Sover eign. Nineteen out of the
crew of 24 arrived recently at Falmouth with the complaint. The
ship is the property of Mr. Bates, M.P. Surely, as this gentleman has
wept so recently about his own alleged scurvy treatment by Mr.
Plimsoll, he could have communicated the remedy to his suffering


CHAPTER IV.-A WATERY END. o"
It was a stormy night for a ramble. Game I
The good ship Memtbr for .Dundee was tossing on the ocean. Onher A FOOTBALL player having been recently killed during the progress
deck were sailors, passengers, and the Secretary of H. M. of a "friendly" match, a country contemporary remarks that the
Ah! said the latter, addressing the man at the wheel, we shall pastime has sustained a sad loss by .his death. We beg to add our
have a rough night." mite of regret for the pastime," which we know is too gentle .and
"Yes, we've lightened the ship already. The cap'en, blarm him's, kindly in all its instincts not to feel, by all who practise and profess it,
been and chucked the rum overboard for fear we should get sprung, extremely sorry-for itself-whenever a similar accident" occurs.
The sailors overheard these words, and immediately struck up a
mutiny.
I'm with you," said the man at the wheel; and downhe came from Spirited Foreign Policy.
the mizentopmast. In five minutes the ship, left to herself, was at the THE author of the 'Queen's Speech explains 'that my relaions
mercy of the waves; in ten, her cargo of water had caught fire, and with all foreign Powers continue to be of a cordial character." They
she was going down. may be rum relations, and be that.








8 TFU N [.BBaB.uAy 16, 1876.


V/-I

NIyIIl


''I'


~ L --


" f b I \-


BY-SEX-STYLE I
Miss Harkaway thinks, with some reason, that as this is Leap Year, little Griggs might have let her show the way. She says it's all very well
to say Look before: you leap," but what about how you may look after ?


MEN ONE:MEETS AT THE PLAY.
THE man who vainly endeavours to hide the fact of his being bald,
by plastering the hair that naturally belongs to the sides of his head
on the top.
The man who, having seen the play before, tells his companions the
second act while the first act is being performed.
The man who persistently repeats the jokes and puns to his friends.
The man who always laughs with his neighbours, and never knows
what he is laughing at.
The man who sells the very best refreshments at the very lowest
prices.


An Apt Pupil.
THE Times, in commenting on a recent theatrical production, singles
out one actor from among an exceptionally large company, and
" unhesitatingly assigns the palm" to him. As the part is that of a
Spanish nobleman, we are rather astonished to find a few lines further
on that the praise is given him because "he is a most excellent
Frenchman." The dramatic critic of the "leading journal" is new to
his office-all the more praise is due to him for so soon and so success-
fully mastering the weathercock policy which has made fame and
fortune for both paper and proprietors in Printing-house-square.
Truly, there must be something in the doctrine of hereditary ability,


The man who looks ferocious, and tries to persuade himself and his despite its opponents.
immediate neighbours that he had not been laughing.
The man who is personally acquainted with the leading actor's Naval Intelligence.
washerwoman.
The man who weeps at sorrow and misery when depicted upon the THE Admiralty have under consideration, a scheme for saving half
stage, but who never relieved a starving fellow-creature in his life. a ton of pickled pork. If successful, they are confident this will atone
for past misfortunes.
It has been decided to raise the Vanguard by leaving her where
Advice Gratis. she is, as it is anticipated she may come up herself a bit at a time,
A "rAarr by the name of Walker writes for information as to thus avoiding heavy expense to the country.
the purrentage of Purrsian cats. He will find all he wants to know The Duke of Edinburgh will have command of an ironclad shortly.
in some Book of Tails at Mewdie's: or let him-in order to draw out Tarleton and Leiningen are to be kept on shore during his cruise, for
the information, try a cataplasm-or failing that, a catalogue, fear of accidents.
The Circular ironclads are to be employed solely in the Fugitive
A'SWELL OF THE JUNGLE.-The dandy lion. Slave trade.


PETERS' QUININE WIN
1n WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard. N
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Hassall, M.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.- WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.


Printed by JTDD & CO., Phoanix Works, St. Andrew's ill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Pleet-ateet, E.C.-London, Feb. 16, 1876.









FEBRUARY 23, 1876.]


FUN,


I I' .,,~


COALITION.
Mistress :-" MARY, YOU BRING A GREAT QUANTITY OF SMALL COAL UP STAIR8 HOW IS IT "
Mary:-" WELL, YOU KNOW, M'M, SOMEBODY MUST BURN IT-AND I COULDN'T ASK COOK!"


THE DETECTIVE'S STORY.
IT was a most complicated affair, but I wasn't afraid of getting at
the bottom of it. I've been mixed up in some rum cases in my time,
and I'm free to confess that this was a teaser. Old gentleman knocked
down and robbed of a bottle of Excrygnosphotyrchnos and a two-
shilling piece with a hole in it in broad moonlight on Hampstead
Heath. And no trace of the thief. It was a lucky thing he came to
me about it private. If he'd gone to the station they'd either a' told
him he was drunk and incapable, or put him under police supervision
for three years.
Should he know the man again if he saw him P" "No, he was
dreaming of his youth at the time, and wasn't noticing." Could he
give me any clue ?" Yes, it was raining at the time, and whoever
was on the heath must have got his boots wet." All right, he might
leave the rest to me." Which he did, and half-a-sovereign on
account.
Brilliant ideas are common as blackberries in June to detectives.
I'm no exception t6 the rule, and mine came to me that night over a
pipe and half-a-go. The next day the walls of London were placarded
with an announcement of a monster Spelling Bee at Hampstead, for a
fortnight after date. The eventful evening arrived, and, disguised as
an interrogator, I took my seat upon the platform. The hall was
crowded, the competitors numerous. My practised eye perused their
faces, and speedily separated the undoubtedly innocent from the pos-
sibly guilty. I singled out a young man directly, and fed him art-
fully with innocent words. Then I fixed him with a Scotland Yard
glare and suddenly asked him to spell Excrygnosphotyrchnos. He
never changed colour, he never flinched, but just spelt it calmly off
without a falter.
When he had finished I stepped to the front and exclaimed, Ladies
and gentlemen, it is my painful duty to interrupt these proceedings by
taking this person into custody on a charge of robbery from the person
committed on Hampstead Heath a fortnight since." Then I marched
him off to the station and charged him. Inspector," I said, giving
my chief the technical details, I shall charge this man, because if he
hadn't had the bottle of stuff with the long name in his possession he


couldn't have spelt it." Quite right," said the Inspector; you are
an intelligent and active officer."
Quite right!" said the prisoner; you're a fool. Of course I can
spell it because I sell it, and the old gentleman who was robbed bought'
it at my shop.". Which he subsequently proved.
But for all that I do maintain two things. That my idea was a
brilliant one, and that Spelling Bees ain't to be relied upon where cir-
cumstantial evidence is required.
There's my card, sir; and if ever you want activity and intelligence
at a moderate cost come to me private.

THE MARTYR.
I'VE revelled in drinking to such a degree
Whenever I've had any leisure to spare,
That I shudder to think of the softest settee,
And tremble on seeing the easiest chair;
And, somehow or other, I've come to regard
The downiest couch in creation as hard !
Now whether the weight of my skull is too vast,
Or whether the rate of my body's too slow,
Or whether the pace of my feet is too fast,-
Is what I am constantly dying to know.
And sorely I tremble, whenever I think
You're going to touch me !-I've been to the Rink!
It's simply absurd to expect to escape,
I freely confess I am sadly aware,
While some of the rollers are oval in shape,
And others are oblong, aRd others are square,
And others immovably stick for a space-
Then suddenly start at a deuce of a pace!
My shoulders are azure and purple and brown;
My elbows are both in a similar state-
And-thank you extremely-I never sit down;
I've taken a fancy to standing of late.
By Jove, sir, I'll stand till I'm ready to sink!
Don't touch me, I tell you!-I've been to the Rink!


VOL. XXIII.










[FEBRUART 23, 1876.


VUN OFICEB, Wednesday, Fe. 23, 1876.
[CARTOONMJ
THE FALL OF AJAX.
(PARAPHIASED WITHOUT PRETENDING TO THE PERMISSION OF
THE PREMIER.)
BEHOLD great Ajax, how he strikes all eyes,
In style majestic and in Eastern guise;
With ponderous words his sentences are crowned,
His epigrams are frequent and his jokes profound.
Nor fights he-likely !-fixed to certain stands,
His warfare's weird, he joins mysterious bands.
High in the House, with vast tremendous stride
He'll clear the gangways, join the other side!-
So when some member, fresh from watery mead,
Forgets his duty in his private greed,
The mighty Ajax down upon him swirls
Jove-like in gesture, ambient in curls :
Safe in his art he chuckles, then is grave,
Sneers at the People's voice-rechains the Slave !
0
The warring parties meet; the battle-sounds
Are heard o'er Stephen's and the Abbey's bounds.
One would have thought, so furious 'his fire,
None could tame Ajax, and no toil could tire.
Alas! alas! 'tis grievous thus to tell-
Down swoop the Liberals and bear off the bell!
While Ajax, 'stead of battling till he's sore,
Turns tail the foremost and" reacts" no more!
-a-
IT is interesting, if not particularly pleasant, to study the manner
in which those who have an interest in conserving matters and keep-
ing them as they are, strive to make it appear as if the ever-stirring
question of landed possessions and their distribution had been solved
once-and for ever by the publication of the new Domesday Book. The
only fault to be found with the energy-exhibited is in that 'those who
are satisfied are rather too anxious-and so betray their anxiety too
openly- that all others should be satisfied as well. In a measure
landowners and their friends, as well as those who expect or hope some
day to be landowners, and their friends also, may be said to protest too
much, and to set far too little store upon large possessions. The
amount of brotherly love meted out by the owner of half a county to
his fellow "lord of the soil," the owner of half an acre, would be
ludicrous did it not involve so great a concealment of actual fact
beneath a guise of apparent sincerity. The statement made by tmr.
Bright, that at the whole of England was in the hands of some 30,000
proprietors, has-been ridiculed with a robustness which has something
behind it far more powerful than mere criticism of a hasty statement.
It is singular, too, that this great and most truly genuine friend of
the people has received no support, eved no support, even where it should ha been
most looked for. Can it be that well-to-do patriots can only a:ford to
go with Mr. Bright as far as their pockets and positions allow- so far
and no farther ? But partisanship and private feeling apart, we have
yet to learn that Mr. Bright was wrong when he said what he did
about England and its 30,000 proprietors. No one imagined he in-
cluded the holders of small plots upon which to build two-roomed
cottages or the possessors of freehold cabbage-gardens ; and the attempt
to include these small gentry in a numerical list of owners of the soil,
though it may tickle their vanity, is hardly likely to make the English
people believe they are living in a great and glorious Commonwealth,
in which every man has what he deserves- and no more.
-0-
THOSE of our readers who are interested in art, more especially when
it combines pathos and poesy, deep thought and manipulative ex-
cellence, will do well to visit the Pinwell Exhibition, now open, at 168,
New Bond-street, and judge for themselves as to the quality of
English pointing of the present day-when it has been done by a
painter. There they may see thal though the proverb tells us art is
long and life is short, a comparatively brief existence succeeded in
leaving its possessor's mark very distinctly upon the artistic features
of the time in which he lived.

Mark and Learn.
THE Liverpool School-board have determined to give "badges" to
the street-trading arabs who attend school during a portion of the
day. Badge the children as much as you like, gentlemen, but don't
badger the parents.

NEW READING OF OLD QUESTION FoR EVERY HAMLET.-To Bee or
not to Bee-that is the question.


ENTIRELY FROM CONVICTION.

CHAPTER I.-THE DAWN OF PARTY OPINION.
p1 ANY thousands
of years before
the birth of his-
tory, in the recesses
of the primeval
forest, -adt two an-
thropoid -apes who
pondered much in
silence, with their
grave eyesofxed upon
their t-oes. They
were .revolving a
Sweighty problem in
their minds: Would
p it be better to turn
S- in the toes when
walking or to turn
them out? It was
a -matter involv-
ing large principles, and their decision' would .s a precedent to
al future generations; so they weighed all the seasons for and
against, and sat pondering for a long, 16ng time ere they could
decide. But at length -hey both looked up and spoke at once.
" Out!" said the one; "In! said the other. Why tet ?"" aied
the other; "Don't now," answered the one, "but why in .?"
"Don't know, ether;" replied the other: and from that moment they
went their separate ways and disagreed, upon principle, about every
possible thing. The one -who had spoken in favour of turning out
the toes began to be dissatisfied with things as they were, and found
out a way of-staining his nose blue with berries, and hanging from
branches with his head downwards, and going to sleep with one eye
at a time, and' turning summersaults-this was the dawn of Liberalism.
The other, ,who had given up his life to turning his toes in, sneered
at the idea.of staining his nose blue, and all that, and sat always o the
same bough; and ate his nuts with the shells on, in order to keep
things as things had always been-this was the dawn of Conservatism.
And when either of them was asked why he did as he did, he would
say, "Because the other does the reverse." And as time went on each
of them begat a son; and the one walked with his toes
turned out, and was dissatisfied with things as they were, and stained
his nose blue with berries, and hung with his head downwards, and so
forth; while the son of the other gave up his life to turning his toes
in, sneered at withe idea of staining his nose blue, and all this, and sat
always on the same bough, and kept things as things always had been.
And when either gr of them was asked why he did as hae did, he would
say, "Because it is right, and because the son of the other does the
reverse ;" and when he was asked wy it was right, he would commune
inwardly and say, "Because it is; and my father has always
done it."
And so Party Opinion was handed down.

CHAPTER 1I.-TRu. To THE CoLouRs.
While eivilisation was yet very, very young, a great warrior sat
at home with his toes turned in, and his brow was very black with
anger. For he loved to keep things as things always had been,; and
another great warrior close by, who always walked with his toes
turned out, would insist upon discovering new ways of padding his
helmet, and eating his porridge, and filling up the dents made upon
his shins by texcepting the words; and this goaded the soul of that first
warrior to another, till he swore byande urntoes of all his ancestors, which
had always been turned in, that he would either compel that second
warrior to keep things as things always had been, or would his play
him.
So he went to that other warrior topersuade him by argument; but
after the two had argued the matter many days they became angry,
for neither could be convinced that he erred in his ideas, and they
retired, each to his own part, and collected all their fighting-men and
met in battle; and they fought many weeks, until none was left in the
land alive excepting the two great warriors who, as neither could
slay the other, left off disgusted, and turned their two-handed swords
into toothpicks, and sat down to sulk again. And when they were
asked why they hadcaused d. this slaughter, they said, "In support
of their principles ;' and when each was asked why he held his par-
ticular principles he said, Because the other was opposed to them;"
and when he was asked how he knew they were right, he said,
"Because they were; and his father had always held them."
And each of those warriors begat a son, and the sons argued, and
were not convinced, and fought and sulked; and so Party Opinion was
transmitted.


FiJNc









FIBnUARY 23, 1876.1 F U N 89


CHAPTER III.-THE APosTATE.
Now, although Mr. Wigg lived next door to Mr. Tawrie, these two
could never exactly pet on together, because of the divergence of
their opinions; and asiough- they played draughts together every
evening they always had an argument on politics afterwards, and
invariably quarrelled before they separated. For Mr. Wigg was a
Liberal, and always turned his toes out in walking, partly because
his father had always done so, and partly because Mr. Tawrie turned
his in; and Mr. Tawrie was a Conservative, and always turned his
toes in,,partly because his father had always done so, and partly
because Mr. Wigg turned Mk out. And there were many other par-
ticulars about which they could never agree. Mr. Wigg, for instance
(who was disaatisfed with things as they were), would finad out new
ways of plaSaing his geraniums with the roots upwards, and taking
his tea with a fork, and brushing his hat wrong way round; while
Mr. Tawrie (who liked to keep things as things always had been)
never liked to let the fie out when he found it burning, or light it
again when it had gone out, because it seemed a sort of innovation
and an altering .of things. And if Mr. Wigg discovered that Mr.
Tawrie liked cheese, Mr. Wigg would take a dislike to it on principle;
and Mr. Tawrie couldn't bear to carry an umbrella because Mr. Wigg
never walked without one; and yet they were both good-natured,
virtuous, welfto-do men, and never put less than sixpence in thew
plate. Now, athey were both looked up to as wise men in their wy
their mutual frienB ,(they both moved among the same set ") wesw
very prone to ask their advice on many subjects; but there always
occurred this difficulty: each of those two gentlemen when asked for
his opinion would wait until he believed he had ascertained the other's
convictions on the subject, in order that he might be able to frame a
decision diametrically opposed to those convictions, and this, from the
cautiousness of both, often caused much delay.
There were other matters, too, which each had to consider in form-
ing his opinion, namely, what his father and grandfather had thought
about it, and what his newspaper would he likely to say; and thus
there had been much deliberation b rfere Mr. Wigg had been able to
decide that mustard and cress ought to be cut with a scythe, and Mr.
Tawrie to give his dictum as to the desirability of reaping it with a
mowving-meachine-and the right way to peel oranges had bothered
them long-
And at last there came circumstance which caused the downfall of
the Liberal opinions of Mr. Wigg, and branded him as a traitor to
the cause which his ancestors had upheld since that oeeaa-ence in the
primeval forest! Mr. Wigg and Mr. Tawrie had been asked to
advise their friends as to whether bone buttons, were preferable to
lines ones for nmght-gowns.
Acting with undue precipitation, Mr. Wigg, believing that he had
overheard Mr. Tawrie express an opinion favourable to the linen
button, decided, with great emphasis, in favour of bone. On sub-
sequeuty learning, however, that Mr. Tawrie had previously, in
public, Mreservedly recommended bone, Mr. Wigg found himself in
an awkjimd position: h& could not go back from his' own decision,
and yet to corroborate it would be to admit the soundness of the judg-
ment of Mr. Tawrie, and Mr. Wigg felt that to approve Mr. Tawrie's
principles on one point must be to approve them on all. In this
dreadful state of affairs Mr. Wigg decided to become a Conservative
by conviction, and has, up to this time, with unfaltering consistency
turned in his toes and branded every measure of the Liberal party as
a piece of gross insanity, and a violation of the immemorial traditions
of the English realm.

Personal Feeling.
AT a recent School-board discussion in Flintshire, a member of the
local committee reminded his opponents that they were all Roman
Catholics three hundred years ago." A native Board-man replied that
so far as he was personally concerned this was untrue, and on his
account, as well as on the accounts of peace and education generally, it
is hoped that retractation and apology will be made. And yet the
enemies of centenamianism still flourish. And, apparently, so do the
centenarians-in Wales!

Very Cutting.
THE managers of a "refuge at the East-end of London advertise
for "a tailor able to cut and instruct the boys." That is, we pre-
sume, one who will be able to give "all round lessons in basting"
as occasion may require. Despite the requirements it is hardly to be
expected that there will be a "cutting competition" for this sartorial
situation. The watchword is obviously cut and not come again.

As so many of the leading lights of the very High Church have
been lately served with legal .processes, it is proposed to alter the
designation of their form of worship to writualism.


LITTLE WORRIES.
THOUGH many ills may hamper life
When Fortune turns opap ous,
The great but nerve usafb e' strife,
The small ones malie uswiious.
Fierce griefs are sooo outstrippad by one
Who through existence scurried;
It's harder far a race to run
With nimble little worries."
A button bids your shirt good-bye
When late for dinner dressing,
You have a kite you cannot fly,
And creditors are pressing.
You run to catch-and lose-a train
(That fatalest of hurries),
Your newest hat encounters rain-
Life's full of little worries."
From day to day some silly things
Upset you altogether;
There's nought so soon convulsion brings
As tickling with a feather.
'Gainst minor evils let him pray
Who fortune's favour curries,-
For one that big misfortunes slay
Ten die of little worries."

A CHEST NOTE.
THE Westmoreland Gazette publishes some information which it
would be wrong to keep within the limits of local influence, no matter
how extensive that may be. After giving a hint as to artillerymen
and their proportions in the future, our contemporary gravely states
that "no person under 5ft. 3in. round the: cheat will be enrolled in
other volunteer corps, except in the case of lads under seventeen years
of age, who are admitted for the purpose of being trained -as
trumpeters." We perfectly agree with the notion of having these
eeompartively commonplace youths trained as trumpeters, as the
efficientts" having arrived at a minimum girth of 63 inches
by ordinary means, might find trumpets-even penny ones-very
dangerous weapons indeed. But, if the 63-inchers arrive at such
magnificence unaided, pray what is the stopping point of the youths
who are provide with the wherewithal for blowing to. any extent?
.San it be that they help to "-swell the colunas" of our contem-
porary _

SpelT-ounc,
A P o vnoe. paper, which contains in the same issue an account
of its proof reader's prowess at a spellag bee,, ha. an advertisesent
wlaie runs thus:-" For sale, anawma Acart."' Am we to jadge;
from this that the spelling bee is either becoming itself or tuamia,
the country into, a perfect male-area ? Cart blanche and cart d'heuze
given for reply, but post-carts expressly forbidden.

Wiring In.
LORD JOHN MANNERS proposes to raise the present high telegraph
rates in every possible way, and to hamper public convenience with
some new-fangled shackles worthy the noble imagination that gave
them birth. We know that Lord John has poetically expressed a
desire to see commerce sent to Jericho, but the haste which despatches
it to its destination by telegraph is. indecent.

Ad hominem.
AT an impromptu spelling bee held in a public-house near Durham,
a difference arose as to the orthography of the word Hibernian, and
soon one man was "out of it" with a broken bead. Though their
notions of spelling were hazy, the disputants possessed' an appreciable
knowledge of meanings," and argued accordingly.

You're Another.
THE Globe has been "authorised to contradict" the Standard, and
does it right bluntly. Whatever colour truth and cochineal may
give to the former journal's remarks, we can hardly call it the phk
of politeness.
A Bird's Bye View.
LADY Courrs has interested herself so in the feathered tribe lately
that, were her name given out at a Spelling Bee, it would be properly
spelt, Lady Bird-debt Coutts.

RoYAL Fu-IT.-The Queen's Peach.








IFUN.


[F aBuAuy 23, 1876.


THE BRITISH TRADESMAN.-No. 1, THE INNKEEPER'S LITTLE JOKE.


"Tired and hungry, sir-anything to eat, ir?" "Any blsesed thing yen please to order, air-any blessed thing "

/ MCoT Di ONNHER
AOLt'LC HEAD

W (


"Chicken, sir?" "Well-a-nooo. That's a thing we don't 'appmn "1Eggs-cold meat-soup--chop-steak!" Well, no-we're out
to 'ave. Anything else in creation I" o' them too, you see."


"What have we Well, sir-we can offer you a nice cut o' bread
an' cheese!"


"Not satisfied with bread an' cheese I Actooally going' away I Well,
he thinks suthin' of hisself he does 1"














































AJAX APOLOGETIC.
(A SUCCESSOR TO THE CELEBRATED DEFIANT ATTITUDE ONLY TOO OFTEN LOST SIGHT OF.)








FBRuAnY 23, 1876.] FP TTNT 93


EMBARRASSMENT.
Tins bookstall boasts a grand display
Of volumes very neatly bound-
A most embarrassing array
Of works deservedly renowned.
This pile of literary wares,
Of famous books, in prose and verse,
The passing student's gaze ensnares,
And tempts the money from his purse!
Lo, here's the "Fairy Queen!" (what feats
And doughty deeds are therein sung!)
And here, fortwo-and-six, is Keats.
(Poor Keats, who died, alas, so young!)
And here's our old friend Quixote, too,
La Mancha's lean and lofty knight!
Here Thackeray, who nature drew,
And Ingoldsby-mirth-moving wight!
And here are Burns's lyrics quaint-
Old "Tam o'Shanter," and-the rest-
Here's "Yorick" Sterne (who's.scarce a saint),
Replete with reason and with jest.
Here's Carlyle deep in German lore
And crackjaw phrases-full of sense!
Lord Lytton, Fielding, and a score
Of novelists at eighteen pence! 7 -
Here's Avon's Bard, in monthly parts-
And stuttering, gentle Ella's book;
Here Dickens, who can touch our hearts,
And Moore's enchanting" ILalla Rookh."
So many volumes here are shown-
Of various types, in bindings rich-
That I'm distraught I'll fairly own.
I'd gladly purchase one-but which ?

In Luck-now.
THE Prince of Wales, on being asked the other day
to name the principal vegetables of India, replied,
"with that ready wit, which" &c., &c.-"The vege- AND GRANDER TOO I
tables that have made the most inDelhible impression The Great Sea Serpent as it appeared to our Special Artist on the English coast.
on me, in India, are its ru-peas!" Quite equal to the Rio Grande do Sul one.


DOTS AND LINES. Tempora mutantur-."
SEalous disturbances at Malines after a Catholie demonstration. FROM the Peace Society we receive a paper which refers in any-
The former seems to have been considerably more catholic than the thing but peaceful style to the waste of English blood and treasure
latter. .Ripublique Franvaise to be prosecuted for attacking M. Buffet., about twenty years ago in a huge effort to sustain the most debased
The Buffet and the Bar are one and indivisible nowadays, so the Government in Europe." We shall not quarrel with this, for as read
attack was, to say the least, intemperate. = Sheffield Company by the present, the past view of the Eastern Question was a mistake
extremely jubilant about a reduction in the price of coals. They which cost England dear indeed. But when the Peace Society enters
expect to supply Newcastle shortly. = Daily paper says: "The House into particulars of assaults committed upon the females of Bulgaria
of Lords sat for a quarter of an hour." Mauvais quart d'heure de- by Turks, we beg to differ, and trust that a careful inspection of the
cackle. = Discharge of men accused of murder in Southwark for want of book entitled Rabelais" will show to even the peaceful mind that
evidence. lDe mniimus non curat lex, and the magistrate compliments the these Turkish tactics are more defensible than they at first appear.
police! = Deputation to the President of the Local Government Seriously, though, we think the Peace Society deserves credit for
Board demands the abolition of turnpikes. Referred to Committee for recalling, at this particular moment, the recollection of the fifty-
Consideration of Toothpicks and Trustees' Rights. = Permanent thousand valuable lives and one hundred millions of gold "-English
Clerks in Civil Service anxious that it should be known Guiver and gold 'and English lives-which went for what is now considered, by
Co. are only temporary writers." There is a river in Macedon and English politicians, nothing.
another in Monmouth, and there are degrees among even dustmen.=
Establishment of a soup kitchen near Sahara. The necessities of the
natives are great, and subscriptions are anxiously expected. Great coats. Turf and Surf.
waterproofs, and woollen shirts taken as cash. An Englishman" ADMIRAL Rous has been handicapping the modern naval officer,
writes to the Tines to say his "blood boils at reading telegram ms" and backing his (hobby) horse Wooden Ship against that half-bred
that he doesn't like. That should bea warning to Englishmen to use the animal Ironclad." The captain of our private Puntster-the only
English language, or else to read with their eyes, and not indulge in naval man we retain upon the premises-declares that the Admiral is
such sanguine speculation. = Since the discovery of diamonds at the handicaptious, and that his opinions do not carry weight. We think
Cape in 1867, the product is estimated at twelve millions sterling. they ought to- weight for age.
Our newly-married man says that his duck of diamonds" has not
deteriorated in value for all that. Tout viendra = Labourer who
was called" in church on Sunday found hanging on Monday. Of The Nearest Cut.
two evils he had chosen-but no, we will not be ungallant. = Free- A YOU gentleman has been charged at a police-court with
fight between vestrymen at the West-end. Local Sef Government threatening to cut his father's throat on democratic and republican
satirised! More charges against Beecher. He'll get another rise principles." This was the surest method of doing it effectually.
of salary-er-Warded and B. Stowed if this goes on. = Mr. Gladstone Aristocratic and Conservative principles usually involve cutting your
presented with freedom of the Turners' Company. Absit omen But own throat,
why, oh why, was Dizzy not admitted to share in so, to him, befitting own .
a bestowal? Waterloo Cup. The Dog Derby, of course-snd of A GREAT MAN AT SPELLING BEEs.-" A party by the name of
coursing. But how can it be the Dog Dcrby without the Derby Dog? Johnson."









94 3" J~f%~ Feaa.'uAuy 23, 187r.





IIAII
117 1-


A FRUITFUL INQUIRY.
Master (to select" pupil who has received a hamper from his friends) :-" Is THAT PRO BONO, BROWN "
Brown :-" No, SIR, IT'S DAMSON!"


OUR OWN FLANEUR.
[IT being distinctly understood that the only way to get real
London news is by means of the London correspondence in the pro-
vincial press, Mr. Fun has, in the interests of his readers, laid waste
several back-attics and impounded reams of copy, of which the follow-
ing is a gentle and extremely unelaborated summary.]
By the way, I don't know if I told you in my last that Mrs. George
Eliot Evans Henry Lewes owes some portion of the success of Daniel
Deronda to me. She had intended to use the Christian name "David"
-by the way, is David a Christian name P-but I said, No; call it
Daniel-Daniel come to judgment-reviews, criticisms-don't you
see ? I fancy this selection had great weight with the cultivated
and scholarly press, who can see a good joke with anyone. It was I
who also advised her to use the word epidermis in her opening, as
having a bearing on a great topical question of the day. No one,"
said I, can see the word epidermis without thinking of vivisection,
and it is in keeping pace with the times that great writers show their
superiority over small. That is, as I take it, the secret of immortality
and true genius-the great is ever superior to the small. In fact, as I
once remarked in one of those flashes for which I am peculiar, the
great may be considered to contain the small." Entre nous, I think
I advised cuticle, not epidermis, but that is mere matter of detail.
" Dynamic was also another recommendation of mine, as having a
hidden reference to the Bremerhaven business. Let others have the
fame; I prefer to be behind the scenes -to pull the wires, as it were,
that animate true genius.
A magnificent scene in the House the other night. Gladstone was
seen at his best when he hurled back the sarcasms of the proud
Premier, and left him metaphorically plucked and panting. I couldn't
for the life of me repress the rising joke, and, turning round in the
gallery, convulsed both reporters and summary writers by remarking
that Dizzy had lost his head, and was getting through the Canal any-
thing but swimmingly. Afterwards, when at the club, I slapped
Gladdy on the back, and asked him if the Conservatives weren't
reduced to Lowe water. But he seemed much abstracted, and I found
afterwards that during the afternoon he had been disappointed in


getting at his own price some second-hand saucepans with which he
intended to set a new fashion for decorating drawing-rooms.
Rinking gets more and more fashionable in London, and" one says"
that the asphalt is to be laid down in the Supreme Court of Judica-
ture and the Houses of Parliament. Voting papers are already out,
and Peers, M.P.'s, and Judges are requested to poll early, and vote one
way or the other, for wheel or woe," as I put it to an ex-Chancellor
of the Exchequer the other day. He thinks it would be a good plan
for reducing the Home Rule party to a reasonable level.
The question as to who wrote Shakespeare's plays still continues,
and among them the critics have decided, if their joint opinion is worth
anything, that William wrote none of them. Brown has settled quite
conclusively that only three of the so-called Shakespeare's plays are
really Shakespeare's, while they are the very three that Smith, a critic
and commentator of admitted skill, and a particular friend of mine,
takes most exception to. And so they go on, until the bard's very
greatest admirers prove, if they prove anything, that he has written
nothing. The opinion expressed in a comedy that Finis was the real
author because his name is at the end is, after all, the most incon-
trovertible; but my joke was the best, and will bear repeating here.
Said a great scholar, My opinion is in favour of the theory of Bacon."
"And mine in favour of its hanging." Good, wasn't it ?
Among the latest literary rumours is one to the effect that the
Times is to be edited by machinery, the apparatus to be worked by
four boys. It is the invention of the chief proprietor, who has already
distinguished himself much by his labours in the cause of humanity
and endless rolls of paper. The balance which will accrue from this
change of affairs is to be divided between the new City editor and the
newer dramatic critic-the latter to pay for seats and programmes
under pain of being supplemented by an extension of the endless
Walter machine also. If this goes on," I said to a friend who is
likely to lose a good appointment by the change, "it will soon be
Walter, Walter everywhere-and not a drop to drink."
People interested in art are beginning to turn their thoughts
Academywards, and there are already many rumours about as to the
pictures which will be exhibited. Miss Thompson is reported to
be busy on a 591 by 733, entitled Soldiers' Coats as Seen Upon a








FmanvAr 23, 1876.] FUN. 95

Clothes Line. With Proper Props." Mr. Millais's Heated August" T 0 MMY AN a
and Rivulets Running up a Hill" are remarkably fine, but have to TOMMY AND HARRY.
be kept very dark just now because of the actinic effect of the naked (A STORY FOR THE YOUNG.)
eye on the chiaroscuro before varnishing. Sir Francis Grant's MY dear young friends, this is a story which I want you to believe,
portraits are to be mounted on rollers, and be let down by particular because it is quite true and will not make you want to be good and
request "-when requested. Mr. Herkomer is busy with a magnificent die young, forgiving all your enemies, and lecturing your father upon
composition, "Old Soldiers 'Coming it' by Moonlight." Mr. his non-approachment to the standard of paternal righteousness
Barnard's hopes of fame for '76 are fixed on Horse Guards on House set up in the cheap and angelic literature of childhood. Tommy and
Tops being Shaved with Sharp Scissors." My own pictures I will Harry were like you, once little boys (unless yon happen to be little
leave to posterity-as I said the other day-to be silent about, girls), and had a father and mother who were as stupid and obstinate
as fathers and mothers in real life usually are; but this'particular F.
and M. did one good thing-they never bothered their children with
AN ABSURD STORY. books and baths and secondhand moral injunctions, but let them do
just as they liked. So Tommy and Harry grew up- plump, healthy,
I AM sick of Truthful Stories" and of Narratives of Fact," good-tempered young fellows, and when they *ere ten years old
Where mere ordinary mortals all their vulgar deeds enact, emptied the family teapot of the family fortune and' set off in opposite
So I mean to write a novel just as wonderful as new, directions to start life on their own account.
Painting life and its surroundings from Munchausen's point of view. Now Tommy had unfortunately been cursed with a desirefor educa-
I will make its leading actions all so palpably absurd tion, and determined to put himself through a severe course a! Jiental
That no man with any gumption will imagine they occurred. ittitivation. Starting. as an errand boy, he devoted his eiAgs to
Let me lay the plot in London, make my hero quite a swell," the alphabet and simple addition, and in the course of a few $eis he
Who's the lord of many acres and a magistrate as well; had by diligence acquired so much knowledge that he passed.eftdit-
Yet embarks a biggish fortune in a bank of yesterday, ably through a severe examination, and became eligible for a; -dbirern-
Which some eighteen pounds per centum for deposits is to pay. nment clerkship at eighty pounds a year. Then the dream ofE i. life
Now I fancy in a Worship that's such confidence" absurd was realized. He had to dress in black cloth and clean lilite,, and
That no reader out of Hanwell will imagine it occurred. write himself bliAd, it's true, bdt look at the position! and when he goc
married and began to have a large family and doctors' bdill he got
Then the poor man of my story, like a muddle-headed fool, another ten pounds a year by keeping tradesmen's books in t.e, even-
For some quickly spread disorder keeps his little ones from school; ing. So you see he never had any cause to regret that he had ltea.ted
Such a very lame excuse, though, cannot influence the Beak," to read and write and cypher.
And my poor man goes to prison like a felon for a week. But Harry, alas! was not actuated by any of the grand ide'aa wiSkh
Now, such horrible injustice is so shamefully absurd, spurred his ambitious brother. He hired himself out as odd boy to a
That no British son of Freedom will imagine it occurred, cabinet maker; and instead of studying in his spare time he tried his
I shall have al oo m e th sy g, hand with the' tools, and by-and-by he got useful, and in oaurse of
I shall have a little horror, just to make the story go, time became skilled artisan and dhis 4 and 5 a weyk. e tsl.
So I'll work a good collision on the railway in the snow;earu, But how dreadfully he spent is eveisV I Whea. his brother w
Have a train of heavy waggons cra a station slowly through indulging in the refined occupation ofte&slg a bhttterman' ledger,
Where a fast express is nearly twenty minutes overdue. Harry was taking his wife (for he got mariird too) to the inmi. hall,
But such accident on purpose is so signally absurd, or giving the children an evening at the play. W n't it awful
That no guard or engine driver will imagine it occurred. Now Tommy, the scholar, had to call his superiors, Sir, and cringe
All my modest little maidens will go daily to a Rink, and walk on all fours, like a respectable man, to keep his place; and
Hand in hand with bearded strangers they will carelessly enlink; when he fell ill his salary stopped till he got well again; but Hrry,
While my brawny youth deserting all the manly sports of yore the workman, ordered his master about and went on strike about twice
Pass their lazy lives in sliding up and down a greasy floor. a year, and lived idle at the expense of his amalgamated association.
But such instances of folly are so painfully absurd, And Government made laws for him, and Premiers petted him, and
That no man with any manhood will acknowledge they occurred. newspapers wrote him up in leading articles; but Tommy was so
ground down by Government and insulted by the Press that at last,
I shall draw a fancy picture of an overcrowded town, when he was too eld to alter his plans in life, he began to think, and
Where by thousands Dirt and Hunger mow the pallid people down- the result of his thinking was this. One day the School-board man
Where the Earth and Air and Water seeds of Sudden Death enwrap, opened his front door with a crowbar, and slapping his wife in the
And the mansion of the noble is a filthy fever trap. face asked her why she didn't send the baby to school; and just as
But such sanitive arrangements are so fatally absurd, she was going to say because it wasn't weaned, Tommy, who was ink-
That no readers of the Lancet will imagine they occurred. ing the seams of his best coat in a corner, took up his parable thus:-
Because I do not mean it to be educated-there "
"And why not ?"
Nineteen, and all told! "Because education of your sort brings a man to beggary. You are
A JERUSALEM artisan has presented Sir Moses Montefiore with a swamping the country with clerks at starvation prices. Look here! "
grain of wheat on which are written nineteen lines forming an acrostic and he held the Government advertisement for clerks at 80 a year
on the philanthropist's name. On the lines being read, the witty Sir towards him. This is the bait you dangle before the eyes of youth,
Moses smiled and said it was the best Jerusalem heartyjoke of the is it ? It won't go down. The dunce who can't write his name can
season. Jerusalem ponies were then handed round-on toast-and earn, by manual labour, just five times as much as the scholar who
after the usual loyal and patriotic reprisals, the meeting terminated, has to pass a severe examination on ihe chance of getting a paltry
(This "special" wire is evidently not for us. But in the spirit of broad berth like this, if he likes to leave his name on the list five years. No;
philanthropy and cosmopolitanism which has ever characterized us, my boy shall be an illiterate clown like his uncle Harry. Thereupon
we annex it nevertheless.) he kicked the School Board man out of the house.
_Which was the first sensible thing he'd done since he halved the
contents of the family teapot.
Not-"made a Note of." *
A sAPrsNT soul, writing in Notes a'd Queries, gives it as his Now, my dear young friends, if after this you hear your parents
humble opinion" that Tinker is English for Zingaro, and means talk of the advantages of a good education, intimate politely to them
neither more nor less than a Gipsy. He omits, however, to state that that they are idiots; and if they chastise you for ic'.pudence, jump
Brazier is British for Bohemian, though the latter is always a tinkling upon them first, and then refer them to this story, the Order in
symbol of the sounding Brass. If this doesn't quite convince the Council for a new division of the Civil Service (examination and
convince, it will doubtless put him on his metal." remuneration) and the narrative of the Erith strike. They'll never
worry you to go to school again.
A Poser.
IT is officially stated that "the British army possesses 15,162 Bravado!
horses." Said our own Irishman, after reading this, Arrah, thin, Ma. H. NErILLE -.cknowledges the literary assistance he has had
d'ye mean to tell me that it's more than all cavalry And Echo was m preparing the Gascon for the English stage. We scarcely like to
for once silent on the subject. doubt Mr. Neville's veracity, but this statement is, on the face of it,
__ mere Gascon-aid.
Acchorded Nem. Con. MARRIAGE is the true road to happiness, therefore a man appreciates
WHAT is the right age for a Piano ?-Forte, of course. his wife most when she's a way. /


Ii~








FUN.


'- ---- -- __ 1 ___ J -g ^ J --- ^ : ~ __ *

HEARSAY EVIDENCE.
Injured Lady :-" 'EaE I SAY, DO YOU KNOW AS MRS. SMITH'S AUNT CHEERED
As BETSY ANN TOLD M s. GUPPIN AS SHE MBT ELIZA JANE WOT WAS A TALKING'
TO YOUNG BRIGGS AS 'AD JUST BEEN A WALKING' WITH OLD MUGGS AS 'ADN'T
LEFT MRS. SMITH'S TEN MINITS AS MRS. BuPFINS 'AD CUM TO SEE 'AD 'ERBED
SAY AS YOUNG SMITH 'AD 'EIRED SAY-"
Festive Old Party:--"'EauED BAY WOT ?"
Injured Lady :-" WHY, 'ERRED SAY AS YOU'VE BIN' A TRYING' TO KISS THE
BARMAID AT THE LION-YOU OLD CONKERBINE, YOU !"


CONSERVING HISTORY.
A CONSRBVATIv evening paper, of extra size, publishes an elaborate
leader on the assumption of tke title Empress of India by the
Queen, and gives as chief reason for the new undertaking the
great good which accrued to Ireland by our Henry the Second
proclaiming himself, or being proclaimed, King thereof. Into
the brilliancy of the analogy and the accuracy of the historical
parallel we do not care to enter, except to remark that still
another grievous wrong seems to have been administered to Erin-by
her own historians, who never told us this before. In the midst of
darkness there is, however, a gleam of light, for it is refreshing to
find a Conservative leader writer who has heard of Henry the Second.
One day he may discover still more, but on his own head be the
uisk-for Conservatives can stand nothing in their leaders so little as
signs of education-unless it be those still more objectionable signs-
signs of ability.
AN EXPnEss WISH.-That it mayn't meet a coal train.


[FBRuVARY 23, 1876.


A SOCIAL PROBLEM.
THE butler has gone with the ladies' maid
I To give little Fido the air,
The footman and Emily Jane, I think,
Are sliding about at a Skating Rink ;
The coachman and groom, of a different taste,
To temples of harmony" hurry with haste
(And coachman or groom I am much afraid
Will be taking the chair
When there).
The cook, in pursuit of a popular rage,
Has captured Adolphus the little foot page,
And gone to a Spelling Bee."
And none of the maidens and none of the men
Have got any call" to be back till ten
(Which flutters their souls with glee).
But wearily time with the family flits-
They're dying for want of their tea,
While up in her boudoir the lady-help sits,
With no one to get it but she."
And the family all, till the tea she will bring,
May tarry while all get's blue,
And the missis" to ask her to get it's a thing
She never would dare to do;
It's not that the "help is addicted to shirk
The slightest amount of additional work,
And threaten to go to her mother.
It's not that the missis asserteth her sway
In any half-hearted or timorous way-
Yet neither will speak to the other.
For the missis will fight till her latest breath
For the motto of Etiquette's rules or death! "
And the help is a lady of high degree,
To etiquette's ruling used,
And the help and the missis have not, you see,
Been properly introduced!

A Joke Enclosed.
A GENTLEMAN writes to a contemporary, Will you
kindly draw the attention of the First Commissioner to
the state of the asphalt footway that runs between the
enclosed triangular grassplot and the houses in Spring
Gardens ? Unless the enclosure was accidentally
omitted, we are at a loss to know what a newspaper
would do with it. We ourselves should either present
it to the devils of Fleet-street (with the kind permission
of the Rev. Mr. Cook), or return it to the sender,
postage unpaid.

THE LAP OF LuxvRY.-Champagne.


A Pledge of Affection.
A DARK and dreadful rumour has been current in the otherwise
peaceful town of Batley. The Mayor having been seen without his
chain, a report became rife "that it was pledged." This painful state
of things being made known, his worship promised to wear the chain
in future. It is proposed that, in order to foster peace and goodwill
as well as municipality in Batley, the chain be in future accompanied
by a muzzle. Mayors at a distance will please accept this intimation.

Chopping and Changing.
AN Australian correspondent says that in Melbourne housewives
are sadly ii. want of domestics, especially those who can cook a chop.
Housewives over here are in great want of anyone who can chop a
cook. And change her for the better.

THE PROPER WAY TO SeND THE NAMES OF SUCCESSFUL CONSERVATIVE
CANDIDATES TO TOWN.-By elect-trick telegraph, of course.


H ,WCADBURY'S

C. BRANDAUER & COUSNewregistered" pres.
series" of these Peas neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask yourC O A E SS E N C
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Boxand
select the pattern beat suited to your hand. PURE-SOLUBLE-REFREBS ING. I
CAU2'ION.-4f Coc,. thikes- t Me it proe.. the smaiti. of Ita. .h
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew' ill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Pleet-street, E..--London, Feb. 23, 1876.








MARCH 1, 1876.] J No 97


A LITTLE PUT OUT."
Candidate for Place:-" AND OF COURSE M'M THE WASHING'S PUT OUT?" Lady:-" OH, YES!"
C. :-" AND THE BOOTS, AND KNIVES AND FORKS, AND-" Lady (hesitating) :-" ER-I REALLY- "
C. :--"AND I SHOULDN'T LIKE TO HAVE TO MAKE THE BEDS! "
Lady:-'- OH, IF YOU LIKE, WE'LL PUT THEM OUT TOO-WITH THE WASHING "


DOTS AND LINES.
BOARDING-HOUSE keeper fined for starving her servant. Why she
should have done that while she possessed boarders seems strange.
Natural perversity of the female mind, maybe. = London mechanic
succumbs to wound on his toe. Singular sample of toe-tal eclipse. =
Degradation of a Chinese general. Wonder what constitutes degrada-
tion at that depth! = Bridgwater Schoolboaid resolves to petition
Parliament for the suppression of impure literature. By the way,
how long is it since Parliament suppressed Bridgwater ? = Re-
election of the Slade Professor at Cambridge University. Taking
into consideration the present style of rowing and the advance of rink-
ing, it is only fair to suppose we shall have a Slide Professor next. =
Mr. Trevelyan proposes to take the sense of the House of Commons."
That of the Home Rule party will be conveyed away in a teaspoon. =
Duke of Norfolk's appeal to the really devout for money to aid the
Roman Catholic clergy of Germany a lamentable failure. The Duke
is a very young man, otherwise he would never have expected the
"really devout" to give money away. Ccroner's jury object to the
lights at Nine Elms on the S. W. Railway line. Some of these days
a bold spirit will dare to object to the lights of coroners' jurymen.
One thing-no one is likely to object to their being too bright. -
Agent of Mr. John Walter, M.P., committed for embezzling 500
belonging to the great inventor and proprietor. It is whispered that,
as a consequence of this, the Walter automaton receiver of rents will
be patented presently. = Letter from India states that the Prince of
Wales did not kill a tiger as previously stated. He shot one certainly,
but it was unfortunately already dead. = Gentleman at Liverpool
charged on a warrant with having embezzled about 40,000 in 1863.
Thought such a trifle would have been forgotten after all this time,
and that bygones might be bygones. = Lady at Middlesborouch rather
more than half killed by a married couple for interfering between them
when fighting with pokers. Moral obvious to pokers, especially to
pokers of noses into other people's business.


A BINARY SONNET.
1ST. BY A Six MONTHS' WIFE. 2ND. B1Y A SIX YEARS' WIFE.
OH, Charlie, how I hate that horrid 1 club
Charlie, why don't you go down to your J
I'm sure you love its Smoke room more than )me
Don't stop at home all day-it worries ) m
Your talk and pipes, and frequent S. and ) B
Our neighbour Brown goes daily ; Mrs. .
And then your Rubber nights -ay, there's the rub
Quite wonders how I manage so to r
If they came often, I would spoil your Chubb,"
Along, as if locked to you by a b,
And not allow you, sir, a latch or key
Of which we neither of us had a j key !
Ah! you may think I joke; but you shall)
Now go till dinner time !" Don't let me see
You'll find I'm not a woman you can ) snub
You, mind! till then, or you will get a J
You married me for love, you used to )
You've said already all you have to ) say.
Yet find no pleasure in domestic )life
Don't moon away your days, but live your J l
Is home a place to fly from every da I
Come home to' dinner, but not every I a
To feed and sleep in only! Bed and knife
At luncheon you will always find a e
That club is always drawing you )
And fork for you. Now to your club- awayI
I don't believe you care about your ) ,i
And don't stay longer bothering your fe

THE FIrsT SCHOOL BoARD.-The black one.


VOL. XXIxI.









93 L' N1.


[LMaa&C, 1', 1876.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 1, 1876.
[CARTooN.]
PREMIER EXPRESSIONS.
FBAGOMENT o0 ANF ANCIENT HEBREW LEGEND.
THE Queen has hurried her up to town
By speedy steamer, special train.
Upon her face there rests a frown-
'I faith, she's in a study brown-
For why should she race up and down,
And trouble have, for other's gain ?
Why should she be disturbed from rest,
And whiked away from Wight's fair Isle ?-
Why should she find herself a guest
In London at old Ben's request -
"In London, which we so detest,
Preferring plain provincial style ?"
Then Ben Ju tells his mystic tale-
He tells his tale of mysterie-
On dreaded discord draws the veil,
And then of many a spicy gale
From Eastern clime arrived by mail,
Romaunts he to her Majestle.


"Now hear me out, oh mistress great,
And wise you will your Ben Ju call:
When you an Empress are, your state
Will from abroad obtain its weight;
Then England's claims will second rate.
And then, my liege, I predicate,
You will not come to town at all!. "
-a-
Tas Indian special" of a daily contemporary gives full details
of a scene at which the Heir to the Throne "assisted," and which is
characterized by the writer as the most sickening scene he ever
witnessed. He might also have added the most degrading as well, if
his description be in any way borne out by facts. A cheetah was
let loose on a stag, which not only had no chance of escape, but was
incapable of making even a run for life, having been tightly tied
by the legs for some time, and carried about until the circle was pro-
perly formed and the cheetah ready. The details are most dis-
gusting. The buck, "frantic with fright, skirted the little circle
inside the crowd," and tried in vain for the chance which even the
coursers of trapped hares here allow their quarry. But no, there was
no outlet; and soon, within fifteen feet of the dais on which sat the
Prince of Wales and his suite, the horror was perpetrated. Ladies,
says the reporter, hid their faces, while the stag groaned so loudly
that its pitiful cries might be heard by everyone present." But
men-foremost among whom were the representatives of English rule"
in a country the majority of whose inhabitants abhor the most
natural and ordinary kinds of bloodshed- looked on while "the
cheetah's teeth pierced the neck of the overpowered buck." Then,
continues the eyewitness, there was a tearing noise, another loud
groan and cry, and the bloodthirsty beast was seen sucking away
the life of its motionless victim. This is, indeed, far worse than the
royal slaughter of tame elephants. But we have no wish to discuss
the question at length; we merely wish to learn what those good
people who are so anxious to put down vivisection, and who weep
over the wearing of small birds, have to say to this. We should
sadly like to know, because at present the wailings of those who
mourn over dead sparrows and interfere with live doctors, while they
tolerate the grossest cruelties so long as they are prescribed by fashion,
strike us as being nothing more nor less than outrageous humbug.
-0--
PHILANTHROPY is generally cheap, but the philanthropy of a New
York paper sometimes passes the limits allowed in this effete old
country. The Daily Graphic, commenting on a series of fancy diaw-
ings-" The British Workman "-which it has been publishing,
commiserates with that worthy, and says, "There is no beauty in the
degraded and sordid life of those who are the heirs of the bestial
stupidity of ages of ancestors who have never been brought into
contact with anything that is not mean." Unfortunate British Work-
man, had you but been born an American you might, instead of the
" bestial stupidity which now possesses you, have been enlightened
enough to dip your hands in other men's pockets, and moralise as you
extracted the contents. For that is exactly what the New York
Daily Graphic does now, and has often done, with Fun, who doubts
very much whether the heirs of bestial stupidity in England have ever
been brought into contact with anything half as mean as the New
York Daily Graphic.


THE FLEET DITCH.
AT all times desirous of keeping pace with the times, we last week
dispatched a special reporter to do this interesting Parliamentary
debate for us. We heard nothing of him till late last night, when the
following copy was brought to us by a tame lioness bearing the
Abyssinian post-mark. Oat of consideration fo-r his wife and family
we shall print (but not pay), but we think it would have been more
decent had our Special attended the House instead of accepting a daily
paper's commission in the East, and making up our copy as he went
along.-[Since this was in type, we find our man to be right after all.
So we shall pay him his money, but must give him the sack for daring
to be more correct than his-ED.]

The House was crowded early. Mr. D'Isntreally still bears- traces
of the black eye he received on the opening day. Dr. Ourkneely sat
on his own hat by mistake. Mr. High arrived late on a bicycle.
Coote and Tinney's band were in attendance, and ices from the
Aquarium were handed round at intervals. At ten minutes past
the usual time Mr. High winked at the Speaker, and the debate
began.
Ma. HioH. The subject for this evening's discussion is the purchase
of the Fleet Ditch. The manner in which that transaction has been
carried out is infamous and disgusting. When I was Chancellor of
the Exchequer-
(BAND : "Away down Alabama.")
Ma. HIGH. I had to pay some money.
MR. D'ISNTREALLY. Oh; Laird !
MR. HIGH. If the Conservative humbug at the head of the
Government interrupts again I'll bonnet him. I paid that money in
a constitutional manner, and saved the country fourpence. I don't
grumble at the Government purchasing the Fleet Ditch, but they need
not have gone to Houndsditch for the money and paid 20 per cent.
for it. Apart from that, the Ditch is no good to us: it isn't worth a
quarter what we have to pay for it. The conduct of the Government
is criminal. I shall support them with my vote, but they ought to be
in Newgate. (Cheers.)
(BAND: Pulling hard against the stream.")
Mr. JOYSTONE. When Homer was issuing the Vatican Decrees in
monthly parts he had his hobby.
(BAND : Desden China.")
MR. JOYSTONE. But that hoboy was nothing to do with the Fleet
Ditch, so I will not allude to it further. I agree with my friend, Bob,
that something ought to be said about the transaction. I think the
best thing to do with it is to cut it into lumps and give it to the
Turners' Company. Let us lay the axe at the root of the evil.
(BAND : Oh, woodman, spare that tree! ")
Ma. JOYSTOxN. I believe my right hon. friend at the head of the
Government bought it to give his Houndsditch friends a turn. The
whole scheme is rotten and unconstitutional. The water in the ditch
is running short, and if the Lord Mayor chose to shut Temple Bar we
shouldn't be able to get at it at all. (Cheers.)
MR. DOEBUcc. I have nothing to say upon this subject, except
that I am a funny old fellow, and that the late Lord Palmerston was
pig-headed. Once I believed in the Fleet Ditch; but the whirligig of
time, ha! ha! so I shall vote against it now. Before I sit down I
will make a good old Tear'em joke:-Mr. High is an Old Bailey
Lawyer! (Cheers and Laughter.)
(BAND: Another good man gone wrong.")
SIR STICxFORD SOUTHCOAT. My business is figures and the defence
of Government according to Cocker. I could make a joke, but the
Premier don't like poaching. I can triumphantly answer the attacks
of Messrs. High and Joystone. They put down one and carried two
(hear!) in reckoning the cost of the undertaking. They should have
put down two and carried one. (Government cheers.) They have
over-estimated the Houndsditch commission three-halfpence. (Pro-
longed Government cheering.) I would go further into figures,
but the concert at the Aquarium has got into my vulgar fractions. I
will, therefore, subside in favour of my illustrious chief.
(BAND: Tommy make room for your uncle.")
MR. D'ISNTREALLY. It is evident if the member for Bluewich had
been at the head of the Government he might have bought a Chelsea
teapot, but never the Fleet Ditch. (Cheers) He has stated that I
went to Houndsditch for the money-
(BAND: "Auld Lang Syne")
and that such a thing was never done before. (Mr. Joystone was
understood to say "That's a cram.") He says he didn't; well, we
heard him. It is disgusting that in an important affair like this the
Opposition should go into figures. The nation accepts the Fleet
Ditch as a Conservative triumph, and if it isn't worth fourpence,
that's not our affair. Parliament must vote the money. Let them








MARCH 1, 1876.] F UN. 99


do it with a good grace. I shall now make an epigram. Here is a
bilious one. Englishmen are sea-sick of the silver streak, and are
delighted to go in for the smoother waters of a golden one-the Fleet
Ditch. If anyone sees the joke let him laugh. (One laugh from the
'Tnes reporter.)
The vote was then agreed to.


'VERY LIKE A WAIL.
FROM oUR TOPICAL HAND.
MIGHTY Fates! if you will listen, I have here a short petition
I should like to bring before you: 'tis a daring one 1 own,
For it impudently urges you to alter the condition
Of the tangled web that deftly from your airy loom is thrown.
Time is short and Art is longish, but your nimble little fingers
Weave so many varied samples for our notice in a day,
That the student though before them most persistently he lingers
With their niceties and details cannot hope to be aufait.
Here are patterns by the thousand, falling one upon another,
Here are accidents by dozens on the fatal iron rail
(0 Necessity! you're surely not this new invention's mother),
Here are maritime disasters on a fast increasing scale.
May I humbly ask you, ladies, as an ordinary being
If you think I've time to tackle more than one of these a day ?
:Yet I never take a paper without half-a-dozen seeing-
.'With particulars of eachone I am bound to be aufait.
Can't you manage to obligeme (I am sure you're philanthropic),
And of senatorial wisdom-give a smaller daily dose ?
When at Westminster they've started any interesting topic
They can very rarely finish under twenty columns close."
Can't you make the talking members satisfied with shorter speeches ?
Why, to read them with attention takes me nearly half a day!
Men must hang upon a paper like a dozen starving leeches,
If with Parliament's proceedings they would keep themselves au
fait.
In police and civil matters you are quite as openhanded,
Giving eight important cases in a single afternoon.
If you'd work it so big felons in rotation could be landed,
Oh, the topical performer would accept it as a boon.
Why must bankers and directors who have blown a biggish bubble
Be presented to his Worship half-a-dozen in a day
Make 'em naughty seriatim, you would save the- writer trouble,
And he'd get a chance of keeping with the evidence aufaic.
Mighty Fates! the world is wicked and the populace is growing,
Crime and accidents are spreading like the ill-conditioned weed;
From the earth's remotest corners neathh the ocean e'er are flowing
Streams of weighty information which a fellow's bound to read.
If you will not stop the torrent of occurrence and disaster,
He must dedicate to reading ev'ry second of the day.
Twenty thousand varied subjects take a goodish time to master,
And his editor expects him with the lot to be aufait.


NEW LEAVES.
The Sign of the Silver Flagon (Tinsley Brothers) is the title given by
Mr. Farjeon to his last complete work. This, in accordance with a
new phase in the history of serial stories, has, we believe, been running
in several provincial papers at one time, thereby giving its author a
short cut on the road to fame and, it is to be hoped, fortune. The
title is, perhaps, the least happy part of the story, as we do not come
upon its reason, an ancient hostelry, till just before the end; and
though it may be admitted that the incidents enacted therein are
remarkable enough in all conscience, there are other scenes in other
spots which would have been better adapted for the title page of a
modern novel. The critic has a pleasant task who cannot find more
fault with a book than that its title is ill-chosen; that is, if critics
nowadays are in the habit of reading the works they criticise, which,
judging by results, we often very much doubt. That there are other
and more serious faults in the Silver Flagon we are aware, but as
they are more than balanced by a long list of special merits we have
not space to enter upon, it would be unfair to detail what they are.
Though it is nice to point out the defects of a book, and leave the
reader to discover its claims on consideration for himself, we will for
once forego that principal pleasure of the reviewer, and only refer to
the fresh and novel description of Australian life and Australian
settlers. We saw it noted in a scholarly article that these same
descriptions are the result of studying Never Too Late to Mend. With
just one trifling exception this dogmatic utterance may be accepted as
fact. Mr. Farjeon was for some years a resident in our Australian
colonies, travelling and seeing what was to be seen, while Mr. Reade's


visit was not so much in the flesh as in the spirit. But, then, it is
the spirit of the thing which makes all the difference- in fiction.
A widely different story from the foregoing is Mr. Mackay's Popular
Idol (Bentley), though it, too, treats of subjects much misunderstood in
England, misunderstood in every country but Erin, and apparently
not authoritatively settled even there. Written by an Irishman, many
Irishmen will dissent from it and its opinions, and opponents of views
expressed may say that Mr. Mackay seems to know more about another
island than he does about his own island home. We allude to the
island of Bohemia," which seems to have been carefully studied, with
practical results, by our author; and maybe his allegiance belongs to
it rather than to the more verdant spot-first flower of the earth, first
gem of the sea, though it be. Though Mr. Mackay's pathos is not to
be depended on, he possesses a vein of satire which, if not of the
pointless"' polished razor kind, is none the worse for that-and none
the less keen-edged either. A good many of the characters seem to
be sketched from the life; and if the Popular Idol does not make
certain Home Rulers feel more Irish than usual, they will have
nobody to blame but themselves for their calm but inconsistent con-
dition. They certainly will not be able to blame the author.
The Book for Every Day (Nimmo) includes the 29th of February as
well, and, as this is Leap Year, may be considered a seasonable pro-
duction. It is a handsomely bound volume of 600 pages, 'well
illustrated, and containing so varied a mass of fact, fiction, and flight
of fancy, that it is almost impossible to open it without finding some-
thing to arrest the attention, irrespective of-day or date; so perhaps
the word every" is even more correctly used than was originally
intended.
;'For a, .good, honest, downright category of charges worthy of the
days'when newspapers were not and pamphlets did the work of parties,
commend us to a brochure directed against the Charity Organisation
Society, which, as it is nearly all quotation and compilation) seems
intended, if the work is correctly done, for the. purpose of convicting
Organisers out of their own organic utterances. The title is, pitched
in so:high a key that we refrain from reproducing more than the first
words of it, An Inquiry (Logsdon, Whittaker-street, S.W.); and as.'we
believe the Organisation society is very anxious to clear itself of
current opinion, shall await with some impatience the official rejoinder.
,Edinburgh Sketches (Menzies) is a clever little -book which should
make the eyes of all Scots resident in remote regions, such as London
and Paris, water as they read and remember *Athenian.-Aidld 'Reekie
and the lovely Land o' Cakes. "Provided the eyes of Scotchmen
resident abroad ever do water at the recollection of-anything but
Campbeltown," minced collops; and haggis. Perhaps "Eric," who
seems a kindly Scot indeed, and a clever -one to boot, will inform.
Failing him we shall have to apply to the London Scottish Journal,
which has evidently been instituted for the purpose of putting Scotch-
men right with that, as yet, undiscovered portion of the globe that
doesn't know, them.
The second volume of All the World Over (Cook and Son) more than
realizes the promise held out by its predecessors, and will be found
useful, as an awakener of the memory or elevator of the hopes--as
experience, youth, or occasion may require. One Hndred Years a
Republic (Triibner) is more American than humorous, and the draw-
ings are worthy of a much earlier stage in the history of the great
United States. The Prouleior a rocket jouk (Rudall, Carte, and Co.) is
intended for those professors of music who carry their professions into
practice, and as an example to them fulfils its primary intention.
We had thought of giving a few lines to some samples of the
Russian Tea, under the usual Magazine head, but remembering that
this novelty is not only not gunpowder, but very unlike it, we desisted
even more suddenly than is our wont, and find a word here for these
newest of new leaves. Those who have not tried the cup which
etceteras but not elaborates in its latest form haven't tasted it at all,
and so we advise them to rush an' tea while it's to be had and the
water's boiling.

A Little Touched.
DELIVERING a lecture, at the London Institute, upon precious stones,
tabernacles, sealskins, small apothecaries, and himself, Mr. Ruskin
stated that "he always liked to talk about things that could be
touched." The (according to the Ttmts) slightly incoherent philoso-
pher should have little difficulty in finding a head for his next
discourse.

A Cestumary Thing.
A SOCIAL Munchausen always reserves his best stories for dinner
parties. Then all the gentlemen are in swallow-tales.

WHY are the English heavens like a public prosecutor ?-Because
they're always arraigning.









FUN. -


[MARCH 1, 1876.


LAUDATOR TEMPORIS ACTI. -
Ancient Mariner (to his youngest) :-" WELL, IF YOU LIKES THE GIRL WHY DON'T YOU GO AND TELL HER BO, ENERGY I MIND THE
TIME-I'D MARRIED YOUR MOTHER-AH, AND DONE MY SIX MONTHS FOR WOPPIN' HR TOO-LONG AFORE I WAS YOUR AGE ; BUT, LOR', THERE
AIN'T NO SPERET IN YOUTH NOW-A-DAYS !


UNFOUNDED RUMOURS.
THAT Messrs. Rothschild are so disgusted with Mr. Lowe's remarks
about their "Corn" that theyhave founded aSocietyfor the Suppression
of Bicycles with the money. That Mr. Marwood has been insulted by
a School-board officer offering to shake hands with him. That a well-
known M P. has determined to witch the World with noble Hors-
manship." That a tear of Mr. Bates's has been forwarded to the
Nautical Dep6t of South Kensington Museum. That the Queen
wishes to be called "The Padishah of India" as a compliment to
Ireland. That the overture to the Zoo is Considered a standard musical
work at the Extremely New Academy of Music. That M. Buffet has
taken to pronounce his final letter since the French elections. That
the inventor of the Real Ice Rink has been requested by the G. N. R.
to provide it with a ready-made snowstorm, to be available in case of
accidents. That the man who was fined 8 for being cruel to his cow
went home and kicked his wife because he wanted a cheap luxury.
That the new play at the Olympic has been criticized Gas pro and
Gas con., and is very much Gas altogether. That the Hansom women
at the rinks are all four-wheelers.

Uneasy Circumstances.
IN a stationer's window last week we read, appended to the
portrait of a famous prima donna, this mournful legend, "Patti
reduced to 10d.!" Poor young woman, she will be compelled to sell
her diamonds!
A COUNTER IRRITANT.-A pushing shopman.


HIS PICK AND SPAN.
Now war at last from his racked country fades,
Alfonso has his pick of ills to banish;
Though swords are sheathed, he needs his sharpest blades
To make things look a little spick and Spanish.

Audi Alter 'em-but Don't Part 'em.
THE Reverend Mr. Cook, of Devilish notoriety, has seen fit to preach
a sermon against the law of the land, and to call it "an iron lever
which would compel him to do wrong." Mr. Cook uses his mechani-
cal figure in the wrong place. He should have applied it to Mr.
Jenkins the disbe-lever who will compel him to do right. Our
printer's boy says he's glad Cook's been a Kitchen' it. So what
about the personality of the devil now, Mr. Jenkins ?

Oh Law I
IN consequence of certain memorials, all the Law Offices and Courts
will henceforward be closed at two on Saturday. The croakers who
prophesied that the weekly half-holiday would lead to lawlessness
were right after all.

A Curious Gift.
THE Fishmongers have presented one hundred guineas to the
British Hospital for Incurables. It is understood that if the donors
come across any herrings that are incurable they may claim a free
admission for them.










pIsmY'S CROWN CoROIrT I, ;1l
ESTABLISHIM EN'T > I
% ,, *-^N ^f


"TRYING
A THREEHATRICAL


IT ON."
EXPERIMENT.


F UN.-MARCH 1, 1876.









MARC 1, 1876.] N103


BEE-ATTITUDE.-- --- ,
By ONE WHO HAS STUDIED THE GAME.

Muchly they bothered me, :- -- A =
Made me directly we'd started their butt. All v- l
Said I was wrong to try- -
Gave me good reason why.
"Blow it!" thought I, let's invest in a Nuttall! i
Next at another spell L i
Wildly I tried, and well, ;I
Yet I went down 'fore a regular caulker.-
"When that I next essay -
No one shall me dismay, .
Guided I'll be by a bobsworth of Walker !" I i
Reading my Walker through,
Now," thought I, this'll do, I
Fortune forgives me though often I've curst her."
Alas! for the chance of worth!
Soon was I borne to earth, u:o
Worcested by one who was nuts" upon Worcester..
Conscious of merit's claim, _
Once more I tried for fame.
Floored ?-yes, again, by a naval word-sponson
Argument wouldn't wash- "e im s
Judges said, Oh, what bosh! ll lai ii ll ollli'I
When I exclaimed, "Why, it isn't in Johnson!"
Tired being solemn, sad,
Mourning o'er luck so bad:-
"-Now comes the time for your ill-luck to ebb. Stir
Out and be doing, man! -
Here's yet another plan- h ;
Save up your coppers and purchase a Webster!"
Still it remained the same,
Croppers I constant came, h E .Dui
Ogilvie, Latham, or Richardson's learning.
Not once a prize I took,
Not once by hook or crook
In this long lane could I find e'er a turning.
This is the lesson taught, I -/r .. a
Worthy and wisdom-fraught :
Don't with hard words be your brain overtaking. BEES CASTING A SPELL
If you can't win the pelf BEES CASTING A SPELL.
Get up a Bee yourself- And hear the buzzing sound of busy bees! "-Old Poet.
Spelling's quite easy when you do the asking.

CRUEL ONLY TO BE KIND." PERKINS'S PAMPHLET."
AMONG many and diverse opinions expressed as to the merits of the 1M. MENELAUS PERKINS was eccentric in his style;
Gascon, at the Olympic, is one of a more than usually ambiguous kind. He lived by stringent rules, and was habitually thrifty,
It appears in a sporting paper-sporting papers seem just now to be His philosophic visage was illumined with a smile,-
quite a comfort to authors and actors who are being badly treated by His time of life was something on the shady side of fifty.
what used to be considered the authoritative portion of the press in Political Economy he fancied was his forte-
matters dramatic-and runs thus: Mr. Henry Neville, as the He always had a strong desire to benefit the masses.
Gascon, is well-fitted with the part of a showy and boastful young So, once he vowed to travel and to faithfully report
man, who, with many pretensions to the character of a gentleman, is, The manners and the customs of the Lower Working Classes.
after all, but a somewhat pitiful creature." From the context we fancy
this was intended to be complimentary, and trust Mr. Neville may Said he, "I'll pen a pamphlet on the cares they undergo,
find it so. The eternal fitness ef things" peeps out, however; and And call the world's attention to their poverty and trials;
it is only right that a sporting paper should be found a fit medium for At once I'll make a pilgrimage to savoury Soho,
a pen that considers no statement well made until it is well "hedged," And contemplate the regions of the roughs' in Seven' Dials.
and about which one might take "the long odds" as to its meaning And there I'll study character- the denizens I'll note,
anything but what its writer intended. Providing, of course, that its And struggle to ameliorate their woe-begone condition;
writer had any intention beyond the intention of slinging so many dips The welfare of the navvy' I'll endeavour to promote,
of hitherto harmless ink on so much heretofore innocent and otherwise To educate the coster' shall become my earnest mission."
profitably unemployed paper. He armed himself with mackintosh, with pocket-book and gampp,'
Together with a map through London's thoroughfares to guide
Cum grano. him ;
ThHE Egyptian special of a daily contemporary gravely narrates that But lo! upon arriving at the Lower Orders' camp,
the Khedive of Egypt daily consumes a certain kind of rice which Our friend was deeply grieved to find them noisily deride him.
costs him 50 a mouthful, or about a louis a grain. To properly Alas! the low inhabitants were awfully irate,
appreciate that rice over here it requires to be taken with a grain of They tittered at his queries and benevolent suggest, ns ;
something else--say salt. They called him sundry epithets (which here I needn't state)
Saying, "Wot's yer little game a-coming asking of us questions ?"
Imp-pertinence. In fact he was assaulted by the population's dregs,
A CONTEMPORARY remarks, Nothing is so ridiculous as to see a For his prying had aroused them to a pugilistic fever;
small boy of about twelve or thirteen smoking a cheap tigar, and They pelted him with cabbage stumps and questionable eggs,
leaning over the railings in Hyde Park, evidently imagining he is Destroyed his little pocket-book and jumped upon his beaver.
doing the correct thing." Ridiculous! We should call the scene He hurried from their territory, bursting into tears,
I i Affrighted by the yelling of the costers and their lasses;
imp-posmg. _---_ And he steadfastly declares that if he lives a thousand years,
A BARE FooT.-Naturally, one that is only twelve inches. He'll never strive to elevate the Lower Level Masses.









104 ]F UN LMARCH 1, 1876.


THE ART OF BEING SURPRISED.
THERE is no device so efficacious in gaining one's end, or in crush-
ing an adversary, as a well-contrived air of astonishment. While
inspiring the observer with awe and wholesome fear of putting his
foot in it by further pertinacity, it oftentimes convinces him of his
error when he has committed none. Further than this, it enables the
practiser of the art to avoid explanations which might be embarrassing,
and causes the opponent to give in, lest he supply further ground for
astonishment. A slight admixture of anger will sometimes give the
expedient greater force.
Here are a few examples of this beautiful art.

No. I.-THE REMORSEFUL HOUSEWIFE.


HOUSEWIFE. Just look- at this leg of mutton, Mr. Trimming.
Smell it! Tainted isn't the word!
BUTCHeR. Tainted, mum! Bless my soul, impossible! You
astound me! Can't be! Never heard of such a thing in my life!
We've had no other complaints!
HousEWIFE. Well, of course, if you're quite sure-but-a-don't
you think it is just-just a little bit-a-- ?
BuTCHER. Impossible, mum! You overwhelm me with astonish-
ment I shall faint I never heard of such a thing! Nobody ele
has complained of that leg o' mutton!
HOUSEWIFE. Well, I really beg your pardon for my suspicions-
I may have been a little rash. Still I had an idea that it might be a
trifle-ahem--!
BUTCHER. Good gracious! Give me air! Fan me! T-T-TAINTED!
I shall die!
HOUSEWIFE. No-no-no! Don't die, Mr. Trimmins! It's the best
mutton I ever saw. I'm so sorry! Let me bathe your temples. Can
you, can you forgive me ?

No. II.-THE CONVINCED CUSTOMER.


HATTER. Not suit you," sir P Dear, dear me I am so grieved
to hear you say so-I'm so surprised. I was just saying to my own
heart, Heavens! how it becomes him!" This blow is so sudden-
it is too-too much!
CUSTOMER. But-forgive me-isn't it-rather-too large ?
HATTER. TOO XaGE! I ga..p Had you even said too small-
but TOO LARGE Where's my vinaigrette ?
CUSTOMER. Here! Dear Mr. Wyderwaike It isn't too large!
No-it's too small-no-not that-- .
HATTER. Why, you look like an angel in it! It gives you a
seraphic expression! But you did pain ma so!
CUSTOMER. You are right, doubtless. I will complain no more.
Here is thrice the price of the article. Good wy! Bless you!


No. III.-THE GRATIFIED OCTOGENARIAN.


PnRUDIENT ACQUAINTANCE.-Why, you never mean t eo li e )3i1,U
have given up all ideas of matrimony You-who are so full of-of
youth and spirits!
OCTOGENARIAN. Oh, I am no longer young-at least not extremely
young-not of tender age. On the contrary I am long past thirty .
You are surprised ?
P. ACQUAINTANCE. I am indeed surprised! I should have put you
down for some nineteen summers Well this passes everything I
ever- But you jest ? You play upon me? You practise somr
gentle deception-s me virtuous conceit ?
OCTOGENARIAN. No! I assure you I speak truly.
P. ACQUAINTANCE. It cannot be! You are sofresh-so lovely !
OCTOGENARIAN. Ring the bell for my lawyer. I will make a fresh
will. You are a very agreeable person- you cannot be praised to,
much!

No. IT.-THE ABASHED DINER.


,-.


A- -


WAITER. What will you drink, sir ?
DINER. Give me a glass of water.
WAITrrE. I-I beg pardon ? Give you WHAT?
DINER. I-oh-that is-a half-pint of four ale.
WAITER. Eh ?-Really! Bless my soul! I don't quite catch- I
don't understand!
DINER. You confuse me-I beg your pardon; I- a- asked foi a
glass of-ahem-stout.
WAITER. Do I dream? Am I mad? Stout? Catch me, some-
body Stout-with turbot ?
DINER. I-don't fall!-I should have said a-a- half-pint of dry
sherry-of course, dry sherry.
WAITER. You have lacerated my bosom. I was deceived in you,
Sherry P-half-a-pint! Begone shame I will 'fetch it, though it
kill me!
DINER. Nay-stop! I would not have it kill you! I am covered
with confusion-I shall never hold up my head again! I meant e bottle
of your finest Sauterne-Chablis-Hock !
WAITER. I breathe again. Let us forget the past. You shall
have the beverage.

No. V.-THE CONQUERED CATECHIST.
CATECHIST. Ah! talking of Spelling Bees, you know, I've often
thought the word Xiphirrhynchus was rather a puzzler, eh?
UNCERTAIN OaRTHORAPHIST. Eh? oh, yes-I suppose it would be.
I expect those Turkish Bonds-.
CATracaST. Now I dessay that word would floor lots of people-









MARCH 1, 1876.]


PFUN.


Don't you? Why I don't believe there's ten people I know who
wouldn't get in a muddle- .
UN. OKrHOG. Ah! No-I dessay not-I mean I dessay yes, of
course. That was rather a bad collision-.
CATECHIST. Now, there's you and me, for instance. We can spell
as well as most, but when we come to that word it's ten to one-.
UN. OuTHOO. Yes-of course-ten to one; so it is, you know.
Shall you go to the boat-race this y-- ?
CATECHIST. Why, if the. truth were known, I don't believe you
could spell Xiphirrhynchus ?
UN,. OR.THOG. What Do you mean to insinuate that I-- P
CATECHIST. No-no. Don't take offence. I say, I deessay you
couldn't quite spell Xiph--
UN. ORTHOG. Am-am I-how am I to take this, sir?
I've never been so insulted in my life And this is the friend I've
cherished so long '-This--Tais Zounds, sir I'm suffocating !
Quit my presence, sir, or I cannot answer for the consequences. Not
spell Sippy- and so on:! You shall hear more of this- !
CATECHIST. I'm really very sorry. I meant no off-- .
UN. ORTHOG. Begone, sir; we are friends no more. (Exit
Catechist.) By Jove, a narrow escape! What a horrible word! I
wonder what letter it begins with ?


THE INCUBUS.
THERE is a blundering piece of humanity
Everybody on earth must have seen;
Ever so long has his clumsy inanity
Haunted and galled me wherever I've been.
When at a ball one is waltzing with dignity,
Round that detestable personage goes,
Wearing an innocent smile of benignity,
Heavily bouncing; and treads on your toes.
Why, you could strangle the miscreant, verily-
Pulverise every bone in his skin!-
Only he blunders so blandly and merrily,
One is obliged to forgive him, and grin!
Then at the rink, as you follow the crowd about,
Gracefully cutting, with infinite care,
Figures you've recently learnt, and are proud about-
Look to your safety! the blunderer's there!
Clumsily jolly, and mighty of chest, he comes
Heavily rolly and jerky in style-
Always the opposite way to the rest he comes,
Always displaying his innocent smile!
Then he capsizes you, hurting you fearfully
(Possibly rolling atop of you too)-
Still, when you look at him smiling so cheerfully,
What can you-bother him!- What can you do ?

HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE Pinwell Exhibition, to which we devoted a very fewwords last
week, claims a good deal more attention, and is worthy of much more
elaborate criti, ism, than we can afford to bestow on it. Looking
round the walls so lately occupied by the works of another master-
sp rit, Walker, we cannot help wondering what guides those who trace
a similarity in the two men's work, or say that the art of the present
exhibitor was based on a study of his predecessor. Like they were,
certainly, inasmuch as they were. both ardent worshippers at the
one shrine, destined to be cut off before either had developed
his full powers, before either had reached that maturity which
promised so gloriously for the world of art. Both young men had an
earne.t and wonderful appreciation of the beautiful, and each strove
hard to realise his ideal; but each took a different road, and would


ultimately have arrived at a far different goal. It says much for the
dazzling superiority of these two painters, that though they were
essentially different from each other'in style and treatment, they stood
comparatively alone as representatives of the poetic in art, and so it is
not to be wondered that in time they were always classed together.'
No other reason can be given for a desire to couple works which, seen
in their entirety, are widely different. We trust all those who saw
the Walker collection will not 'fail to visit Ml. Deschamp's gallery now,
and judge for themselves of the relative merits of two men who were
doomed, alas to be more united in death than ever they were in life.
Pinwell never exhibited in oil, was perhaps a unique specimen of a
successful painter who had never exhibited even the smallest measure
of his capacity in those halls of dazzling artistic light presided over
by the proud Forty. There are, however, abundant evidences of
Pinwell's desire to shine as a painter in oil, and from the number of
his sketches for a big picture of Vanity Fair, he seems to have been
a great believer in Bunyan. Though it is by no means the most
ambitious among his completed works, we should feel disposed to give
the palm to A Seat in St. James's Park," and next to that to Land-
lcrd and Tenant," both of which are full of the exquisite feeling and
tenderness characteristic of Pinwell's work. Fain would we continue,
and express our admiration of the beauty and delicacy, as well as truth
to nature, exhibited in many other works, but we have as it is run
considerably past the end of our usual tether, and have only now room
to repeat the wish that all who love art for art's sake alone will not
allow the Pinwell collection to be scattered for ever before they have
thoroughly enjoyed it.
It is not at all surprising that the episode of Jo in, Bleak House
should be fixed upon for dramatic representation, still less is it to be
wondered that this realisation of Dickens's designs should be extremely
popular with the British public. Mr. Edgar Bruce has made Jo his
sheet-anchor at the Globe, and though we are inclined to think there
are other houses where the chances of success would have been greater,
if a theatre is to be judged by its previous fortunes, this is much more
the speculator's business than ours. Mr. Bruce has provided a healthy
and pleasurable form of entertainment, and if it were for this alone we
should- wish him heartily success; but the work has intrinsic merits of
its own which should command consideration. The acting is in some
parts admirable-Mi. Fluckton, Miss Jenny Lee, and Miss Drummond
most worthily dividing the honours, though on the first night
an attempt was made to introduce the element of friendship at the
expense of ability. This is, however, so often the case elsewhere, and
is as a rule so much more successful than it was at the Globe, that we
cmn afford to pass the attempt over, merely remarking that it was made.
The minor parts are, as a whole, well played, and there seems to be no
reason why Jo should not reap as much reward at home as it is said
has been its share abroad.
With his usual alacrity in catering for current tastes, Mr. Hollings-
head has produced at the Gaiety a wild and weird novelty called A
Spelling Bee, which, while it defies all criticism, gives Mr. Toole and
Miss Farren splendid opportunities for obtaining roars of laughter, of
which they avail themselves just as splendidly. We fancied Mr. Toole
had reached his height of absurdity in the last act of Tottles, and that
the audience had laughed their laugh out; but it is astonishing' what a
reserve fund of risibility there is always on hand when properly drawn
demands are made upon it.
Among events well worthy of notice, but of a kind rarely touched
upon out of the columns of a sporting paper, the recent billiard match
between Rbberts and Timbrell is to be found foremost. Timbrell, who
according to the form shown by him in his native Liverpudlian
locality, should have had a fine chance with 1 0 points in 1,000,
seemed to have left his ability behind, a not unusual experience amorg
young men from the country. The champion, though he started indifferently, and made no I 4 break during the
evening, showed a general mastery of the situati.i. and control of the
balls marvellous to behold. No wonder, then, tha t 'imbrell first became
demoralised, and soon went all to pieces, leaving Rloberts to win as he
liked. A sporting, and possibly occasionally dramatic, writer who
was present remarked that the definition of the word Timbrell would
in future have to be altered-a something to be played with, not on.
Our ownnotion was that Roberts did liter.ily "soundthe loud Timbrell"
and found him to be particularly hollow-when he was done with.
Differing very materially from the billiard player, the Liverpool
minstrels now performing at the Philharmonic Theatre seem to have
developed an excess of ability and humour: they are certainly deter-
mined to leave a most favourable impression on the minds of metro-
politans. The skaters are alone worth going a long journey to see.

On their Metal.
THE trade of Darlington has materially increased since the Prince
of Wales took to boar-spearing in India. The amount of pig-irony
employed at home is also supposed to have something to d. with it.
ADDITION TO THE PEERAGE.-Tho Lady Help.








FUN.


[MARCH 1, 1876.


-N




"FULL MANY A RANDOM SHOT--."
Farmer Brown ('who will have hisjok e) :c- HULLO, JOHNSON, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM THINGS,-POINTES ? "
Johnson (whose temper has been recently soured) :-" YmE, POINT-BLANKERS, AND BLANKED BLANK AT THAT, TOO!"

POSITIVELY COMPARATIVE. TURNERESQUE.
LORD LYTTON, the new Sub-Autocrat, Deputy-Emperr, Assistant- The House, Hanwell, Leap Year.
Padishah, Viceroy, or whatever the new Conservative invention of Sin,-Ever since Mr. Gladstone relinquished the Leadership of the
imperative imperiality will entitle him to be called by the time he gets Liberal Party I have entertained suspicions as to his ultimate object.
out to India, has, we see by the daily papers, been honouring Ar. I believe it to be the wresting from Mr. Disraeli the Leadership of
Charles Wathifs, of Parliament-street, with several sittings for por- the Conservatives. I am confirmed in this opinion by his recent
traits. And so the result of the Kaiser-General's affirmative to Mr. acceptation of the freedom of the Turners' Company. He is now free
Watkins's request is bound to end in several "negatives" of a most to turn. You need not consider this as confidential; and may publish
positive kind. Queerious this, and yet it is quite in accordance it if you like. Yours eternally,
with modern science and the latest invention of Mr. Disraeli. i yy X mark.
[We do publish it; but if the writer is really in Hanwell he should be
Brotherly Love. at once turned out, as he is evidently in-sane.-ED.]
A GENTLEMAN who constantly writes about himself in an amphi-
bious weekly paper, under the more or less erroneous impression The Glace of Fashion.
that he is benefiting human nature and widening the borders of PRoFEssOR GAMGEE has inaugurated a real ice rink, which he
civilization, gave an additional item of information to the world nomenclates a Glaciarium. This should be the realicesation of the
recently. He says, with all the dignity of print, My motto has been, rinker's wildest dream.
' love me, love my monkey.'" In the face of such originality of senti-
ment, and abnegation of self, one naturally refrains from making the
somewhat pertinent inquiry,-how, in the name of common sense and Psycho-logical.
feeling-having complied with one portion of the request, friends MASKELYNE is not Cook, but Cook is certainly masculine.
either near or at a distance could have failed in respect to the other ?
APPROPRIATE DELICACY FOR A SCHOOL BOARD INSPECTOR'S TBA.-
HEBREW CONFECTIONERY.-Jew-jewbs. A Rag-a-muffin.



WATERS' QUININE W IN
WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard. .
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Hassall, M.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS. -WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.
Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.O.-London, March 1,1876.


106









MA&cH 8, 1876.]


I FUN.


MUCH MISTAKEN.
(1) Johnson, who lodges with old lady (2) that has a pretty grand-daughter, (3) whom J. has more than once kissed on the stairs. (4) One dark night"
he prepares for a fresh attempt. (5) Hearing the footstep, he steals the usual, and (6) descends the stairs. On arriving at the bottom (7) he meets the grand-
daughter. (8) This is the lady he has kissed.


HE AND SHE.
HE was a coroner. She was his housemaid. He made a speech,
and said employers who discharged their servants without furnishing
a couple of rooms for them, and allowing them a weekly pension, were
moral murderers. She read his remarks, and all about a girl who
stopped in a cold bath too long. She smashed his property and drank
his sherry. He gave her notice, and she offered him the option of the
two furnished rooms or her dead body and an inquest. He told her
to go to her mother, and she repudiated .the possession of such an
article. He kicked her out, and she went. But first'she stuck a label
on his front door, I've drowned myself in the kurnall 'cos master
ain't found me a nome." He ran after and brought her back, and begged
her to avoid an inquest, because it would be so disagreeable for him to
be lectured by another coroner. She consented, if he doubled her
wages and let her have her young man to dinner every day. Then
she pawned his watch and silver candlesticks, and when he accused
her she threatened the kurnall" to prove her innocence, and read
him what a coroner had said about the master of a young woman who
suicide under similar circumstances. He went down on his knees
and begged her to forgive him, and doubled her wages again. Then
she asked him to marry her, and he refused. Off she went to drown
herself and left a letter for the coroner on her bedroom mantelpiece.
Then he ran up and down the canal all day, and found her waiting
for him at the edge with the particulars of her ill-treatment pinned
to her bonnet, and a postscript to the coroner asking him to give it
to master hot." Then he married her right away, and two days
afterwards he had to try the canal remedy himself, and when the
coroner sat on him he said, Served him right for making such idiotic
statements." But the slaveys of England blessed his memory, for
they never got discharged now because their masters and mistresses
were afraid they'd drown themselves, and it isn't pleasant to be called
a murderer and lectured by a bumptious coroner. Still, the slaveys
hadn't sufficient gratitude to buy him a twopenny tombstone, so his
memory survives only in his idiotic speeches and the hearts of the
mississes he bullyragged.


MY CEILING.
A WHITEWASHED land of hazy dreams,
It stretches like a sky above me,
While from its misty depth there gleams
The glance of eyes that watch and love me.
When sorrow comes with silent night
And tear-drops down my cheeks are stealing,
Hope puts the gloomy clouds to flight
And paints her pictures on my ceiling.
Beyond those plaster gates there dwells
The queen of realms serene and golden-
A goddess to whose magic spells
The muse and I are much beholden;
She heeds the poet's plaintive cries,
Her hidden treasures quick revealing,
He's but to lift his longing eyes
And copy fancies from the ceiling.
I'm young and poor, and fortune lays
Her thickest stick about my shoulders ;
The high-road to my future bays
Is thickly strewn with jagged boulders.
On terra firma I'm a slave,
Before stern masters humbly kneeling,-
A crowned king among the brave,
MIy sway is boundless-through my ceiling.
Amid the parching plains of life
One verdant islet stands for ever-
A spot where only joy is rife
And darkness hides the sunlight never.
Let Fortune fierce her vengeance wreak,
Sweet Fancy notes my glance appealing,
And quickly lends me wings to seek
The peaceful land beyond my ceiling.


VOL. X.111.










108 FUN. [MAnOH 8, T876.


FUN OFFICB, Wednesday, March 8 1876.
[CARTOON.]

TOO LATE AWAKE;
on,
BEWARE OF POLITICAL PROCRASTINATION.
'TWAS once upon a time gone by, when England ruled the waves,
And English people swore they'd never, never give up slaves,
Ward Hunt the Tory shipper said, Just let me have one try,
And soon I'll alter these affairs, or know the reason why."
Then English people pined for change, and so they unto him
Gave over all those battle-ships that on the waters swim ;
And England that for ages had ruled monarch of the seas
Soon saw her fleet get less and less-get swallowed by degrees.
And British tars, who years agone had boasted of their isle,
And pointed to Trafalgar, Copenhagen, and the Nile,
Now hung their heads, and horror-struck, as each one went his way,
He'd see, Another ironclad gone underneath-this day !"
But one alone went undismayed, unmarked by thought or care,
This one, of course, was Tory Hunt, whose speech was ever fair.
Said he. Brave tars, avast, avast, nay, never pipe all eyes-
I've had the distance measured safe, and know where each ship lies.
And surely each of you must see, if you're but men of "h biz,"
That nothing's ever lost outright if you know where it is ;
And if you doubt my fitness for the task I undertook,
Not I-butyou who put me here must first be brought to book."
He ceased, and on his colleagues cast a knowing smile and wink.
The people overwhelmed with words again forgot to think,
And when they got their wits to work and said, This musn't be!"
They found that every ironclad was safe beneath the sea!
-o-
THE readiness with which persons.possessed of the proverbial brief
authority p'ay the equally proverbial fantastic tricks is shown in
many and most various ways. But difficult as it is to decide as to
who are most entitled to the palm, we. think, upon mature considera-
tion, that coroners' juries, when acting under the direction of certain
coroners, are by far the most -worthy. Especially since new functions
have been developed by these congeners of Sir Charles Dilke's
Unreformed Corporations. Passing over the recent dictum of a deputy
sub as to the providential duties of those who dare to discharge
servants, we come to a verdict recently delivered with the full con-
currence of a coroner in full bloom-a verdict of manslaughter against
the owners of property in the Liverpool-road, on which an old w oman
happened to injure herself to the death. The verdict of manslaughter
having been returned, it was necessary to find some person on whom
to serve the coroner's warrant, and also some name with which to
fill in an important blank in the sqme official document. This, with
about the same measure of consideration which had characterized
previous proceedings, was accordingly done, and a not unnatural
result was that when the wretched culprit was arraigned at the
Central Criminal Court to answer for his crime, he was found to be
the wrong man altogether What, we should like to know, could be
more calculated to bring into supreme contempt that small portion of
the majesty of the law which belongs to coroners' courts? Surely
Dr. Hardwicke should have known that the private owners of the
public highway were hardly the people to be treated in this dis-
courteous and summary fashion-at all events, if he felt it his duty
to strike terror into their hearts, it would have been well for him to
discover at whom he was smiting, and not go to work in this foolish
fashion. It is almost a pity that when Dr. Hardwicke attended the
Old Bailey for the purpose of explaining, no explanation was con-
Pidered suitable in regard to such a transparent mistake. Other-
wise he might have learnt with advantage that ther- is, after all, some
dignity about our Courts of inquiry-when properly and judicially
qualified.
-o-
THAT most eccentric of eccentric geniuses, Mr. Charles Reade, who
is constantly being provoked by the presence of pen and paper, was
rover nearer the truth than he is in his letter to the Telegraph on the
relative positions of starving sempstresss and overfed servants. By
all means, Mr. Reade, let this beggarly gentility, whose end is early
death, or worse, be cast to the winds, and let there be no shame about
honest industry as bestowed on service." It only wants a few more
such sensible outspoken arguments to completely alter the aspect of
our domestic life, and drive the hungry needlewoman and that useless
encumbrance, the lady-help, from Anglo-Saxony for ever.

WHAT French Newspaper should Restive Horses Subscribe to ?-
Le Journal Pour Rear.


CONVERSATIONS FOR THE TIMES.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE QUESTION.
(A Conversation without much Fun in it.)
No. I.
FIRST IIUMANITARIAN
(amAthusiastically). What a
splendid fellow the British
sailor is, isn't he How
3 brave! How noble!
S1 SECOND HUMANITARIAN
gushinglyy). Ah-, rather!
What-a shame to delay about
that "Merchant Shipping
Bill! What a scandalous
thing to send him.to sea to be
murdered! Let's sign a peti-
Stion to the Government about
it ?
FIRST H. (as before). We will! Have you ever seen a British tar ?
SECOND H. Only a long way off-but I've read about him in
novels, you know. He is indeed noble, self-sacrificing, brave-.
FIRST H. Let's go and mingle with him-we shall be able to
support our case better if we judge for ourselves about him. I'm
sure we shall find him noble---
SECOND H. Self-sacrificing--
FIRST H. Brave! By the way, what a curious thing it is that
so few women ever escape from wrecks, isn't it P
SECOND H. (uncomfortably). Eh? Oh-well-yes; but of course
it's their own fault-eh ?
FIRST H. (with a suddenuuneasiness). Oh-why-oh, of course!
No. IL
FIRST H. Just escaped
from a wreck-eh? Poor
fellow how you must
have suffered! How did
it happen ?
CANDID SAILOR. Well
-yer see, I ain't certain' a
about it! I was so
frightened like, I lost my' eo
wits. I may ha' bin on. I
my'ed all the time, for
all I know.
SECOND H. But of m w
course you did some- t .
thing ? Lowered the
boats helped at the w.
pumps- '
C. SAILOR. NO, I
dunno as I did. There were a lot o' women a-screemin' about, an'
I b'live I helpedd 'em.
FInST H. (reassured). Ah! I'm glad you helped them! That's
like a brave fellow !
C. SAILOR. 'Elped 'em to scream, I mean.
FiRST H. depressedd). Oh! How many poor fellows escaped in
the boats ?
C. SAILOR. Well-I shud say about a hundred rough calkylation.
SECOND H. And how many women P
C. SAILOR. Well- I don't think there warn't any escaped. We
left about a hundredd odd on beard, when she were a-sinkin'. Yer see
they was a-tryin' to crowd inter the boats, so we made 'em git out
agen. There weren't any men drowned-not as I knows on. There
was one or two women as tried a 'and at the pumps, but the men was
all too frightened. 1 've bin' in lots o' wrecks afore.
FiRST H. And did the poor fellows generally escape ?
C. SAILon. Oh, yes-most on 'em.
SECOND H. And the women?
C. SAILon. Well, I dunno as LIever see any o' them escape. Yer
see the men gener'ly wanted the boats. We allus thought our lives
as good as theirs and mostlike a great deal better. "D- d bad
management" to get drowned yer know. Don't happenn to 'ave a quid
o bacca ?
No. III.
FIRST H. How about that petition to the Government ?
SECOND H. Hum- Some other time I

[Let anyone who thinks that there is no foundation for the above
read the accounts of wrecks, from time to time, in his newspaper-and
if that doesn't convince and horrify him -- !










MARH 8, 1876.] FUN. 109


A RONDEL.
CHASING dead leaves along the thick strewn way,
Madly we hurry for-the rough wind's prey.
Caught by the colours which false Fancy weaves
Our godlike youth in aimless sports we slay.
Fair is the outset; 'tis the goal that grieves,
Chasing dead leaves.
Chasing dead leaves! Oh, wife with care-dulled eyes,
Far back our start upon the journey lies.
Where is Hope's harvest, all the golden sheaves ?
Where of linked lives is now the promised prize ?
Spring noons are past, we come to Autumn eves,
Chasing dead leaves.
Chasing dead leaves shall Fame not turn to one
Gleaming so brightly in the morning sun ?
Who dons a verdure that fond youth deceives
And hides the canker till the race is run :
Then mocks the clutch of him whose bosom heaves,
Chasing dead leaves.


A MONSTROUS CHARGE.
THE report of the United States Direct Cable Company mildly
hints that the frequent breakages in the cable are due to Stock
Exchange influence, that is to say, certain Capel-court operators are
in the habit of severing the apparatus at various points between this
and America. We will not pause to picture Bulls and Bears, tastily
attired in diving dresses, imitating the her, es of Jules Verne's
"Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea," and leading a sub-
aqueous existence, or to imagine big operators gnawing the cable in
half with their hungry teeth; let us rather hurry on to the fearful
possibility which presents itself. If the Stock Exchange men are
really such ingenious fiends, half the mysterious disasters of modern
times are accounted for. Might not a Bear of Great Northerns have
worked up that show storm ? Might not the Sultan of Turkey be a
London broker in disguise ? Might not the army of Don Carlos have
been composed entirely of Stock Exchange clerks whose masters were
working Spanish bonds. Why, good gracious, there is no knowing
for what these City speculators are not responsible. Their name is
henceforth Destiny.

Wonderful Wonderment.
A NoTTS paper contains the following about a novel match :-
"Notice! Wonders will never cease To be seen this day: Two
Bricklayers doing a fair day's work for a Wager." The advertiser is
mistaken. There is much less wonder about two workmen doing a
fair day's work for a wager than there would be about seeing them do
it for a fair day's pay. We'll pay "gate" cheerfully when brick-
laying comes to that condition.

Bootless Knowledge.
SOMEBODn advertises in a daily paper for a brewer, who must not
be a black cloth and kid glove one." We have often wondered what
some sorts of entire were made from, but never suspected this.
Well may the poet have said disguised in drink," and doctors have
written about the effects of beer upon the coa's of the stomach!
And this in the face of a stringent Adulteration Act, too!

Parti-coloured.
MR. GoscHxa, in his masterly onslaught upon the people responsible
for the Vanguard disaster, was careful to assure the House that his
was not a party attack. And yet he pitched into the balls and
luncheons given by the squadron. How do you reconcile these facts,
Mr. Goschen? _
"How the Land Lies."
A TELEGRAM from Paris says: "In consequence of theSeine having
risen, the low-lying places near Paris are inundated." And a good
job too. Low-lying places are incompatible with a republican govern-
ment, and cold water will do them good.

Lo, and behold!
WHiT City magnate's name is suggestive of drought, and is besides
in two languages, original and translation P-Water-l'eau, of course.

SONG OF THE LADY LIFTER TO HER TRANSPORTED-FPO-LIFE COM-
PANION.-" Never again with you, Robbin."


THE VANGUARD.
A, NAUTI-PARLAMENTABLE BURLESQUE.
SCENE: Interior of the House. SPEAKER takes chair and forty winks.
WARD HoNT sitting on thorns. GoSCHuN waiting to sit on W. H.
MAIR. DISRAELI crimping his hair. SIR JOHN HAY greaSing a Van-
guard watch with some Canadian oil. Various members putting on
naval expressions from fohnson's Dictionary, Musical member in dark
corner whistles Rollicking Rams."
SPEAKER (dreaming). Come and be a, member of the Rollicking
Rams." ( Wakes suddenly.) Your pardon, sirs, Iknew not what I said.
A strain of yore was floating in i:y head.
Mu. GoscnHE (rising.) A strain, I think, that suits the subject well,
On which to-night I ask the House to dwell-
The Vanguard loss "-and confident I am
That sad disaster happened through a Ram.
My object, sir, is first of all to show
How, on our ships, too much fantastic toe"
May lead one day to that fantastic heel
Which on the bottom stretched the Vanguard's keel
This fatal cruise was one long round of larks,
And floating ball-rooms were our priceless barques.
A wreath ot roses circled Neptuae's brow :
Youth at the helm and Pleasure at the prow."
Youth at the helm! Alas, one foggy day,
Dear for his post had luckless youth to pay;
Swift through the mist old Pleasure steamed ahead
Heedless of peril to the ships he led.
The rest we know-with blushing cheeks we've heard
How, though his bungle, this affair occurred.
How neathh the waves our costly yvesel sank,
Lost through an admiral's harum-scarum prank.
Now let the First Lord tell us, if he can,
Why no Court-ma-rtial sat upon the man ?
Why, with the chief no fault my Lords could find,
But cast the burden on a boy behind ?
Why youthful Evans guilty they proclaim,
And shift on Dawkins Tarleton's heavy blame P
No civic feastera toast our friend to-night,
No laughter here will flippant jest requite.
All England's voice, through me, within these halls
Loudly for justice for these scapegoats calls,
And waits his answer for his heavy share
In conduct so unEnglish and unfair.
[An interval of twenty minutes, during which several han. members let off
little speeches to their own evident satisfaction. Ma. WARD HUNT
borrows a large amount of assurance from MR. ROTHSCHILD at twenty
per cent., and rises jauntily.]
MAI. WARD HUNT. The Vanguard is gone to the bottom it's true,
And you fancy you've Lit on whose fault it was through;
Now, my share in the muddle I will not confess
But devote-my attention to slanging the Press.-Tiddy-fol.
Now the gist of the matter is this, I opine-
It was Evans who ordered his ship out of line';
If he hadn't been there he'd been out of the mess,
So we gave it him hot, sir, in spite of the Press.-Tiddy-fol.
As for Dawkins, we thought him the safest to sack,
For we must put the blame upon somebody's back.
As to punishing T., wouldd a Tory distress
To yield to the voice of a virulent Press.-Tiddy-fol.
I shall not regret and I shall not explain,
But I'll treat all my critics with lofty disdain.
Since the Navy I've shattered with so much success
My next little game shall be smashing the Press.-Tiddy-fol.
[One cheer from MAJOR O'GORdIAN, who tries to pat MR. HUNT on the
head, but is forcibly held back by the Home Rule Party.]
MR. DISRAELI. A better speech, upon my word,
In all my life I never heard,
Than clever Mr. Go-schen's.
Except although his manner s blunt
The lovely words of Mr. Hunt
So full of lofty notions.
GOVERNMENT CHORUS. So fall of lofty notions.
MR..DIsRA..I. I don't quite know how matters stand.
I'm less at home on sea than land,
But think the safest action
Is now to let the subject fall-
I'm sure it must have given all
The fullest satisfaction.
GOVERNMEXT CHORUS. The fullest satisfaction.
[End of Act I. As curtain falls BRITANNIA is observed waiting to have
a word with the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY.]









FUN.


[MARCH 8, 1876.


THE BRITISH TRADESMAN.-No. 2, THE OUTFITTER'S LITTLE JOKE.


"In a great hurry, sir ?-Yes, sir. Pair of gloves, air ?-Be quick, sir !-Certainly, sir."


"Let me see-'er, gloves, you said! I couldn't recommend any neat
little thing in this way, I suppose ?"


"Oh-ah, yes-gloves, of course. Now, here's :a sweet thing
in dressing-gowns "






FUJN.-MAROH 8, 1876.


ROLLICKING RAMS: A RECENT ENCOUNTER.
Fun A.B.:-" GO IT, GOSCHEN. YOU CAN'T VERY WELL RUN DOWN THAT THERE CIRCULAR CHAP TOO MUCH."'









113



LIMITED.
THAT everything that's Limited"
Is bad may not be true;
But probably it may be said
Of everything but Lao o
Our thoughts'and wishes have an 'aim
Unlimited and free;
And if our incomes were the same,
How happy we should be!
Life's limited, and so is truth,
And companies, alas!
They take good gold from age and youth,
And give them only "brass!" I .
The very word offends my sense!
I'll seek some savage spot
Where man is measured not by pence,
And companies are not.
'Neath monarchies I cannot stay,
If "Limited" they be "_
I'll fly to where the ruler's sway
Is pure Autocracy!

The Result of Conviction.
A CO'NSERVATIVE contemporary is being favoured with -
articles by a returned convict. We wonder that the -.-
idea has not long aao possessed some of our true blue
organs to engage gentlemen from Australia" for the
general literary work. They would be so thoroughly
versed in that which is of the first necessity in a Con-__ .
servative journalist- beating about the bush.

Fishy isahions.
THE War Office has decided to renew the experiments
in submarine mining which were carried on last year.
What on earth, or rather, what under water, has the -
War Office to do with submarine experiments. The
only solution of the problem which appears likely is that
the number of officers who are unable to keep their heads
above water has necessitated these deep-sea manceuvres. FOR WHEEL OR WOE.
G'shing Idiot:-" How SUTBLI5s THIS RIxnING IS Bx 'JovE, I COULD
Ristrionico-Political. RINK WITH YOU AS PARTNhER THROUGH LIFE-COULD YOU"
WHY is Mr. Disraeli's popularity like a first-night Youeng Lady :-" WELL, I DON'T XNOW; YOU SEE IT ALL DEPENDS ON
audience P-Because it's in a critical position. You Rin/kome! "


DOTS AND LINES.
SHEFFIELD Water Company charges ratepayers extra who possess
baths. Possibly bath water is not considered other than a luxury,
and has to be paid for as such. Wonder whether they would tax
toothbrushes in Sheffield if they knew what they were ? = Oddfellows
at Nottingham defy -their Grand Lodge. In justification of their
title, of course.; and yet the Grand Lodgers object. As they are
" only lodgers" after all, we presume it's of no consequence, thank
you. = Sir Charles Dilke, in his admirab'e impeachment of the Unre-
formed Corporations, referred to some pictures on the subject in Fan.
Only "as one of the comic papers," though. That's as much recogni-
tion as one can expect at a Penny, even from an Apostle of Advanced
Thought. = German Cremationists about to hold a grand general meet-
ing at Gotha. Why not try Gotham while they are about it, and
then they could have the advice of the "three wise men." Specimens
of the best baking powder will be submitted. Miss Emily Faithfull
and her nephew announce a series of readings. From Bentley's
Miscellany, we presume. (N.B.-This is where the laugh comes in.)
= Total defeat of Don Carlos. His followers will in future be known
as Carlosts. But who is it says, You can't lose what you've never
had ?" = Mr. Hubbard proposes to legislate with regard to banking
accounts. According to other accounts, he is cross at the check
crossed checks have lately received. = Spanish Guarda-Costas capture
a British merchant ship. Extraordinary conduct of the captives, who
refuse to let their capturers go, but take them, vessel and all, to
Gibraltar. This being in opposition to the comity of nations," Mr.
Ward Hunt is disgusted. = Dreadful story of mutiny and murder on
the high seas. "Eternal fitness of things" shows itself in the name
of the steward of the Lennie, Constant. His Constantey should not
go without rich reward. = Net income of Peabody Fund stated to
be 18,4.25 18s. 9d. If this means anything it means that it is the
amount netted by trading in charity. Truly, philanthropy is a profit-


able. pursuit nowadays. = Woman while cutting bread, with her
baby on her lap, accidentally cut its nose off." Subscriptions are
requested in aid of their emigration to'the Sandwich Islands. = Pro-
motion of Prince Leiningen to flag-rank. Rumour has it that he will
hoist "the black." We should propose the usual head and X funnels.
= Master of the Boys' School at Newington Butts states that "scarcely
any excuse for absence except sickness can be considered satisfactory."
Esymologically correct, but hardly conventional. He may well say
scarcely. = Magistrate objects to Tommy Dodd in public, houses.
With all due respect, his remarks as to its being the worst possible
kind of gambling, if played for pots of beer," savours of Tommy
Dodd 'ring idiotcy.

"In this Connexion."
AN advertisement says, "Wanted a bookkeeper ; one with a Rtow-
ledge of butchering preferred." Nobody ever asks openly for an
accountant who possesses an acquaintance with cooking, and yet the
two latter pursuits are much more intimately connected than the
former. Perhaps, though, that's why there's no reason for advertise-
ment.
Baleful Entourage.
OUR Swiss tourist writes us that being at Bale the other day he not
only beheld a river go by, but he actually saw a mountain pass!

Zoo-zoo.
IT is scarcely to be expdc'ed that the hyenas should fast on gnash
Wednesday.-They didn't.

MOTTO ORn HOLDERS or STocKS' AND SHARES.-All's well that
(divid) ends well.




University of Florida Home Page
© 2004 - 2010 University of Florida George A. Smathers Libraries.
All rights reserved.

Acceptable Use, Copyright, and Disclaimer Statement
Last updated October 10, 2010 - - mvs