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. . . . .
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
80, FLEET STREET, E.O.
-y I T H a regularity that might well have been emulated by the more genial seasons, Winter had come round once more, and was
v/yf playing his usual merry little pranks with the British householder. One day he froze all the water-pipes, and the next thawed
them so suddenly that they resented the intrusion and spouted all over the place like so many teetotalers or M.P.'s during the
recess. Then the plumber had to be called in; and by the time he had shaken his head and said it was a bad job, and gone back
to get the proper tools instead of those he had brought, the frost had begun again, the children had made a rink in the dining-room, where
all the water had settled, and the boiler, defrauded of its means of self-satisfaction, had burst, sending the cook into ten-quartern-power
hysterics. Just then, happily, the thaw returned, and stopped further mischief.
Oh yes, happily! The snow melted on the roof and wouldn't run off by the rain spout, but found its way through the ceilings of the
bed-rooms; and when it had all got inside, the builder's men came with their scaffold poles and ladders, and made a large hole to see
which way it had gone. Having satisfied themselves, they went home to tea and a pipe afterwards, and forgot all about the hole till they
were reminded of it next morning, when, as it was raining hard, they had to come back from another little bit of day-work and cover the place
with sacks for the present. The rink had by this time thawed in the dining-room, and all-the children had caught severe colds, except one,
and he was suffering dreadfully from indigestion. For it was just between Christmas and New Year, when everyone was happy and
jollity reigned supreme.
A poking, prying fellow-as if to show that once in a lifetime even impertinent curiosity may be found beneficial-had discovered a
crime, and all other poking, prying pests were ambitious of going and doing likewise: of getting their names in the papers, of being con-
sidered heroes without the trouble of being heroic, and of having money given them-and free drinks. So all sorts of respectable people
were being subjected to all sorts of annoyances from pokers and pryerd, and every employer who locked up his desk Qr objected to having his
letters read by his light porters was darkly hinted at as a concealer," and couldn't make out why even four-whee'od cabmen looked the
other way when hailed by him. Meanwhile, the real concealers" went on their way rejoicing. They knew that the law of probabilities
would be all against their being discovered now, and they laughed, ha ha in merry Christmas chorus, as they watched the way in which the
wrong people were constantly being suspected by inquisitive and self-appointed detectives. And at last Fun, who hates and detests shams
and meannesses, and small and paltry glorifications, determined for once to play the ostrich, and shut out all this seasonable mirth and
Packing up what he knew would be prized far above gold and diamonds where he was going, the great and good Fun called a steamer
and was soon landed in the East, where he commenced his triumphal progress. Seated on the costly camel which had been specially retained
to do him honour, and surrounded by chiefs and princes who bowed gravely whenever the august visitor let fall one of his wonderful
witticisms, Fun proceeded on his course, scattering gifts by the wayside, and receiving thanks and blessings in return. For wherever he gave
one of his magic numbers, health and happiness sprang up, and Juggernauts, Jubbulpores, Nadirs, Nummers, Vishnus, Vampires, Pariahs
(Parish Officials), and other functionaries were glad. And Fun was happy.
But he didn't stay long in India, as his stock soon ran short; and he set off on his way back to Fleet-street to get a fresh supply, and
see that the Errand-boy was doing the editing properly in his absence. Suddenly, as his boat was careering through the Suez Canal, he
heard a sound as of weeping, and looking ashore saw an elderly Mussulman sitting disconsolately in his divan groaning bitterly over his
broken bonds. The genial Fun sprang ashore at a bound, and at once, as is his custom, soothed the distressed one. But how ? Why did the
old man dry his tears and smile ? Why did he chuckle and crow, and laugh, ho ho and go on his way rejoicing ? Why ? The question
is absurd! Why, because Fun had just that moment received (by special wire), and took occasion to present to his despondent friend -
flfe fubtufg-sca&h, 9aIIntC oft fre gaenrb 5i me of fun,
AUTHOR'S Wooing (The), 22
Among The" Profession, 26
Augspur's Anticipations, 42
Angling Anecdote (An), 47
Augspurious Adventure (An), 57
Ambitious Bathing Woman (The), 105
Augspur and the Leger, 125
Author at Work (An), 135
Avenged at Last, 140
Augspur on the Past and Future, 167
Augspur at the Cattle Show, 2 50
BY the Sea, 45
Bully For Her, 115
Broken-Hearted Gun (The), 148
Balaclava Blunder (4), 190
Blegg's Brother, 245
CocKFIGHTING Carefully Considered, 12
Colossal Grievance 'A), 15
Cricket off the Hearth (The), 76
Caution (A), 84
Corpse on the Capstan (The), 93
Captain Matthew Webb, 100
Campers-out (The), 106
Chivalry 1 114
Changeable Old Lady (The), 173
Champion Ship at Mortlake (The), 218
Capitil Excuse (A), 219
Cabman's Confession (The), 228
Continental Affairs, 229
Considerate Old Lady (The), 233
Christmas, 250 3
Christmas and New Year's Gis, 261
Christmas Carol (A), 260
Christmas Dirge (A), 259
Christmas is Coming, 26 1
Conversations of the Times, 260
DUKE and the Demon (The), 6
Daughter's Duty (A), 63
Dummy Captain (A), 105
Day-Dream (A), 163
Days of Old, ?0
Dots and Lines, 8, 23, 23, 38, 52, 5, 67,
84, 87, 10, 116, 126, 129, 14, 1 0,
176, 180, 191, 197, 214, 223, 234, 237, 258
EARLY Rising, 31
East End Mystery (The), 1388
ta,''usive One (The), 214
Egyptian Rinkle (An), 260
Excuse for Everything (An), 234
FULL Stop (A), 14
Faithful Mate (The), 83
Finding His Level, 243
GREAT Dramatic Revival," 168
Geremy Gypes the Gyngler, 183
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 22, 45, 86
115, 127,153, 157, 185, 213, 227, 239, 249
Heavy Wet. 63
Historical Repetition (An), 73
Holiday with Royalty (A), 85
Holiday Experience, 83
Headless Body (A), 183
INSCRUTABLE Mystery (An), 35
Intrusive Ideas, 137
Improvident Householder (The), 256
JUDGE's Joke (The), 189
KING Parish, 130
LOwLY Lay (A), 27
L Enfaut Terrible, 43
Little Johnny on the Weather, 46
Little Johnny on Colonel Baker, 66
" Legitimate" Fake (A), 177
Letters of the Day, 199,250
Lord Mayor's Day, 21.1
Lost Balloon (The), 238
MORE Model Associations, 11
Matter of Taste (A), 13
Mad Aspiration (A), 33
My Last Panorama, 63
My Fellow Traveller, 129
More Stories from thp Banks, 188
More Letters of the Day, 203
My Arctic Tour, 239
NOTICES to Contributors,'107
Nature's Blunder, 245
On Special Art, 193, 203
Obtuse Skipper (The), 199
PAPER-KNIFE and Pen, 17, 62, 97, 115,
195, 225, 235
Poetical Moments, 25
Payne the Prevaricator, 44
Premier's Dream (The), 57
Proper Pride. 71
Porter's Confession (A), 83
Public Subscription Mania (The), 103
Pilgrim of Love (The), -120
Perfidy of Prodgers (The, 159
Prince's Journey ('Ihe), 165
Pious Abbot of Scphalding (The), 185
Potiphar PrIgg. 219
Post Prandial Politics, 225
REMINISCENCE (A), 5
Revengeful Doctor (The), 215
SONGS of a Suburb, (1), 21; (2), 4t1;
(3), 61; (4), 81; (5), 99; (6), 119;
(7), 139; (8), 159; (9), 119; (10), 209;
(11), 2z3; (12), 229
Some Magazines for July, 31
Some Magazines for August, 75
Some Magazines for September, 125
Some Magazines for October, 175
Some Magazines for November, 201
Some Magazines for December, 2355
Sir Brown of Bucklersbury, 36
Something New in Novels, 56
Some Literary and Art Notes, 61
Sir Peacock Phraser, 75
Scientific Apparatus, 117
Sporting Story (A), 123
Serene Customer (A), 133
Seventy Years of Progress, 147
Serious Charge (A), 149
SBapegoats (The), 169
Single Handed Nigeer (The), 173
oSource of the Styx (The), 178
Short-Sighted Old Lady (The), 198
Skittles and Beer, 215
School-Board Days, 2 '6
Simple Songs for Silly Salts, 236
T1oo3As Jones, 7
Triumph of Imagination (A), 15
Two Acrobats; or, Land versus Water,
Travelling Show (The), S.7
Turf Topics and Tippic Troubles, 98
To a Leader Writer, 109
To a Fashionable Tragedian, 259
True Lady (A), 127
Tobias's Tombstones, 128
Trial by Press, 169
OU t DED Rumours, 7, 51, 106, 136,
166, 196, 219
Unprotected Poets, 67
Upper Class Misdemeannt (An), 77
Unwarrantable Liberty (An), 145
WARNING to the Athletic (A) 33
Webb and Wisdom, 113
What it Had Come To, 118
Where Teaser Drew the Line, 247
"As the Twig is Bent," 42
Arrowtuind (An), 177
BaITISa Workman (The), (1), 62; (2),
82; (3), 104; (4), 110; (5), 124; (6),
170; (7), 230
British Bumpkin (The), 140, 164
British Domestic (The), (1), 200; (2),
910; (3), 217
"Broad" Aehres, 96
By Jove! 107
Bore (The), 181
CAUSE and Effect. 22
Camply Caustic, 35
Common Folks'-tone, T5
Cowardly Innuendo. 240
Christmas Fancies, 247
Congenial Coolness, 262
DOUBLE Dummy, 15
Dangerous Weapon (A), 31
Distinction with a Difference (A), 88
Dismal Prospect (A), 44
Dry Work, 74
Domestic Difference (A), 220
Dangerous Experiment (A), 255
"Dear I Dear I 258
EARLY Impressions, 11
End of the Journey (The), 52
Exactly So, 100
FAIRLY Proportioned, 34
Feminine Logic, 55
Fact and Fancy, from a New Point of
Feminine Philosophy, 103
FPir Division, 134
Figuratively Speaking, 136
False Delicacy, 244
Got Through the Worst, 64
Good Reasons, 156
Green and Bear it, 214
'Glass of Fashion (The)," 233
IJOPEFvuL Family (A.), 8
Honest Measure, 54
Higher Education (The'," 71
Harrowing Husbandry, 95
Honest Pride, 130
Having Him on the 'Ip, 146
"LIBERTY is Sweet," 84
"Lor a Mussy "11526
Little Game of Peepshow (The), 174
"Little Pitchors." 249
MERCIIANT Shipping Bill (The), 68
Much too Pointed, 65
Mournful Event at the Zoo, 116
Man at the Wheel (The), 117
Matter of Opinion (A) 168
Matter of Duty (A), 180
NEW School Board Exercise, 46
Non-Conductor (A), 153
Not so Very Wrong, 08
"Not all the NobIe "Iod-- 204
Nothing' to 'im At l1 Evei.. 124
Not to be Caught, 22
" OWER True Tf (Ai)" j2
0 Erin. my Cput "78
Open to Improvfimest, 87
"One Good Turn Deserves Another,"
Oh, Jack! 194
Out of the Way Polite," 941
Odious Comparison (An), 265
PEWSEYIsx Extraordinary. 1
Practical Pursuit :-One Fact and Two
Progressing Backwards. 75
Pursuit of Longevity (The), 86
Practical Philosophy, 120
Past Spoiling. 137
Penalty of Success (The) : A Handicap,
Piscatorial Piety, 216
QUIs Custodiet," 51
Quite Correct, 143
Questionable Procedure, 167
Quite Too Moving," 186
RECOLLECTIONS of the Royal Academy,
Rights of Property (The) : A Fact, 97
Rain-water on the Brain, 187
Real Christmas Demons (The), 259
SLIDINO Scale (The), 14
Swan-like and Graceful, 28
Some Cases of Exceptional Politeness,
"Sweetness and Light," 106
Sufficient for the Day-," 235
Some Sudden Impulses (Peculiar ti
Snowball Pudding (The), 255
TELLE est la Vie," 25
"To Even Moner," 114
Two Quoque, 127
Train up a Child--," 160
"Tis Meet I Tis Meaty!" 207
Truckulent Notion (A), 237
Turnip Tops, 266
VALUABLE Suggestion (A),'113
WELL-DESERVED C 'rrectioa (&), 48
Weather or Not, 147
What it AfMuet Come To, 227
Write and Wrong, 236
"YOUNG Idea (The)," 197
ADVENT of Peace (The), 19
Allies or Rivals, 49
All-Powerful Supporter (An), 59
Another Assyrian Diso 'very, 89
CoMIvr Meat Famine (The), 101
Change in Opinions (A 111
FINANCIAL Rinking, 263
GENTLE Rebuke (A). 121
HIINDUSTRIOUB Idol (The), 211
Heralding Christmas, 252
JUSTICE for the Justices, 39
LONDON, Mrs., and Her Little Family of
Suburbs Taking a Holiday, 89
Last Straw (The), 171
NEw Political Macbeth (The). 151
New African Mission (The). 231
PAiR of Court Cards (A), 150
Parting Word (A), 161
Pledge of Profit (A), 241
SUMER M1nceuvring, 29
Sport in the City-A Miss-fire, 79
Suggestion for the Fifth (A),. 191
St. Cotton Defending the Civic Honour,
TURKISH Humpty Dumpty (The), 181
WELL-won Decoration 1A), 131
What Next ?-and Next, 141
YET Another Flood, 221
Now that at last we have reached our majority,
Now we've concluded our twenty-first book,
Who can refuse us our meed of authority,
Though we so jolly, so juvenile look ?
Youth we have plenty left-we're in the prime of life,
In its first flush-still we can't be called new.
Ours is of times sure the happiest time of life-
Fun's Second Series, and Vol. XXII.
Twenty-two volumes! all verses and vanities ;
Twenty-two volumes! all brightness and brain;
None of your measured-out prosing inanities
Wanting the spirit themselves to sustain.
Yet, though we've done so well up to the present time,
Better work still we have now in our view:
Readers shall see as we run through this pleasant time-
Fun's Second Series, and Vol. XXII.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SIR,-You may be very sure the following anecdote has never been
in print; the little incident in my life which it records is now for the
first time related, and even now with modest reluctance.
Some years ago I was a writer in a weekly newspaper, since de-
ceased, which was published in Fleet-street. It was my function-at
least I thought it so-to be funny; I was the comic party" of the
staff. Looking over the old files of the paper now I sometimes fancy
that I had mistaken my vocation. However that may be, I turned off
each week a number of things which if not conspicuously humorous
were at least obviously jocular, and apparently much relished by my
One day, while I was at the office engaged in a struggle with some
obstinate joke which would not come out of its hole to die, I heard
some one enter the editor's room and inquire if the funny man" was
in; and after some conversation which I did not overhear, a card was
sent in, with both name and address hastily and illegibly scrawled in
pencil. The name looked something like Bowen. However, I signi-
fied my willingness to see the gentleman, and he was shown in-a good-
looking enough man with, I thought, something foreign in his
manner. He at once begged pardon for intruding upon a stranger,
but explained that being a constant reader of the paper he had been
much struck with my articles, and had conceived what he thought a
very natural desire to see me; but as he presumed I was much
annoyed by similar curiosity on the part of others he would take his
leave at once, thanking me for my condescension. That was about
the purport of his speech, as nearly as I can recollect it. Need I say
that it went straight to my heart? I was a rather young writer, and
this was the first word of recognition my talent had ever received
from anyone outside my circle of personal friends. I shook my
visitor cordially by the hand, assured him I was at leisure, and
begged he would be seated, which, after some hesitation, he was.
Then I addressed myself to the task of putting him at his case, and
by means of several familiarly facetious observations, such as one
might make to one's equal, I succeeded.
I cannot remember our whole conversation, and anyhow it was too
long to be set down; for he remained about an hour. The talk was
principally of humour, and was rather a monologue, my visitor seldom
interrupting me except with expressions of assent, or deferential
inquiries to elicit my ideas-which, by the way, I illustrated with
copious readings from my own articles. I remember he seemed par-
ticularly interested in my personal habits, the hours at which I did
my best work, the rapidity of my composition, and such matters as
usually do have a charm for those outside literary life and unfamiliar
with the ways of authors. On learning that I hardly ever made any
preparation for my work, and frequently sat down to it without any
definite notion of what it would turn out to be, he expressed much
astonishment, which, I thought, verged a little too closely on in-
credulity, when I added the further information that some of my most
rollicking articles were written in great physical suffering.
On taking his leave my visitor thanked me warmly for the pleasure
and, as he was pleased to add, instruction I had given him, invited me
to call at his hotel, and shook my hand with hearty sincerity as he
withdrew. A moment later the editor looked in and asked me how
I liked me him."
Who is he ?" I inquired.
The editor was somewhat surprised at the question, and-well, he
told me who my visitor was.
He was Artemus Ward. And I am, yours ETCETERA.
LOVE'S LABOUR LOST.
I LOVED her with a perfect love,
That flung all sense away!
And near my heart I wore her glove,
And kissed it ev'ry day!
I kept the flowers from her hair-
I have some rose-leaves still:
And thought how very dear they were-
When came the florist's bill!
I lived a life of stupid bliss,
Yet never dared to speak!
And if I got her hand to kiss
Was happy for a week!
But when at last my fate I tried,
She said, in icy tones,
"Next week, sir, I shall be the bride
Of John Augustus Jones."
THE energy of our active and intelligent police force, as shown by
them in the cause of virtue and sobriety, has just led to a grievous
unpleasantness. An unfortunate newsvendor, who happened to be
seized with a fit outside a public-house, was, on that evidence alone,
considered drunk, and consigned to a cell, on removal from which,
after having been left to himself for two or three hours, he died. The
authorities seem to think it hard that if a man be not drunk he should
fall down and cut his head on a tavern doorstep, and they also argue
that, if corroborative evidence is anything, there could be no reasonable
doubt of intoxicating cause when it was furthermore discovered that
the name of the delinquent was Robert Burns. Yet strange as it may
seem, there are people so crassly ignorant of all logical principle as to
be still dissatisfied. And Fun numbers himself among them.
How are the Mighty, &c.
MARsHAL BAZAINE is at Ramsgate! Now let the Pope take a first
floor at Yarmouth, Bismarck ride a donkey on Margate sands,
Arnim open a beer-shop in Ratcliffe Highway (when he comes out of
" quod ")-and the cup of incongruity will be full.
A Vehicle for a Joke.
IRELAND is usually described as the green isle of the sea ; pink isle
would be nearer the mark, seeing that it's a car-nation.
SFUN. [JULY 3, 1875.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Tune 30, 1875. THE DUKE AND THE DEMON.
"TAKING IT EASY."
" I'v only been sitting a year and a half-i,
A very short time for a Tory;
I'm not an ambitious young Liberal calf,
Conceited and full of vainglory.
Oh no, the Conservative system's my joy,
I'm very well off, and quite happy, my boy:
Then why should I whine about progress and that?
Let others press on; but I'm not such a flat!"
"Just so !" echoes Fen; "now in office you're placed,
We needn't expect you'll be making much haste."
When office I took," thus continued old Ben,
I'll own that I promised most freely.
But I've altered my mind not a little since then;
Besides, I've been bored by Kencaly.
If progress means members for Stoke-upon-Trent
Like the sample that borough's to Parliament sent,
I think my excuse for inaction must be
That I cannot move on with such fellows as he."
"Ah Ben, my old boy," with a smile answers Ftn,
"Even such an excuse is much better than none "
THE descent of Messrs. Moody and Sankey upon Eton, and the
terror caused thereby in the breasts of those legislators who have sons
at that flourishing seat of academic lore, is well worthy of more than
a moment's passing attention. It is not our intention to discuss
whether the boys would have benefited by the ministrations of the
American revivalists or not, as it is our invariable rule to respect all
kinds and conditions of religious opinion, and because we have no
faith whatever in the "only one road to heaven" dogma. But the
recent Eton business opens up something entirely new, and to this we
wish to direct our readers' attention. For nearly six months Messrs.
Moodv and Sankey have been allowed to conduct their services in all
parts of the metropolis. They have been north and south, east and
west; they have obstructed our thoroughfares, and filled the air with
remnants of rough untutored eloquence and minstrel melodies. For
them there has been a special opening of an opera house which other-
wise might have been closed for all time; and through them has been
organised a house-to-house inquisition, which, whatever it may be in
theory, is most objectionable in practice. If all this licence has been
considered right and proper when the masses only are concerned, how
comes it that such horror has been shown just because the scholars at
Eton were to be brought into communication with a couple of itinerants?
If the conduct of these preachers is really objectionable, why has it
been allowed so long ? if it is all right and proper, why should one set
of boys more than another he considered above it ? We are afraid
these questions are unanswerable, and the recent movement on the
part of Messrs. Knatchbull-Hugessen and Co. but once again shows
the dififeroneo between 1. -_ lhn. for common people and protecting
one's own immediate rights and interests.
Ix the course of the drama life's troubles we trace,
And even an author has often to grieve
When he finds that a Spendthrift is out of his place,
Until he's supplied with a Ticket-of-Leave.
With Orphans before him and Felons behind,
Poor Albory's hero soon sickened and pined.
To Priscian and polish the gods" wouldn't cleave-
Their delight's in the Man with the Ticket-of-Leare.
A Pr ovixcTiA, contemporary tells about a perverse well which some-
times has nothing in it, and sometimes water. The drier the summer
the greater the quantity of water it affords, and the wetter the winter
the less." Supposing the humidity of the winter to exactly equal the
drought of the summer, and the quantity of the water during either
season to be precisely proportionate to the absence of it in both, to
what depth of mendacity would our contemporary sink in endeavouring
to scrape acquaintance with Truth at the bottom ?
Master:-" Mary, this muffin is as cold as a stone."
Mary :-" Please, sir, shall I take it down and 'cat it ?"
Maa.er :-" Eat it Oh, I see. Well, yes, and bring it up again
ONE very hot day, in the middle of the London season, a duke was
sitting in his shirt-sleeves on a chair upon the pavement in front of
his residence in Park-lane, and smoking a long pipe, while at intervals
he took a pull from a tankard of four-half.
He had been occupied thus some time when a fussy little gentleman
bustled up and stared at him aghast. My very dear sir," said the
gentleman, what on earth are you doing ? You really musn't do
this kind of thing! "Why ?" said the duke. "Whly! gasped
the gentleman, why ? Because it isn't usual! It's pleasant," said
the duke. But the fussy one bothered the duke so that the latter was
compelled to go in and put on his coat, to quiet him. The little gen-
tleman was, in fact, a demon, and his name was Custom." The next
day he came round and found the duke cleaning his own windows.
" Oh dear, oh dear," he said, why this is worse than ever!" But
I like cleaning windows," said the duke. "Like!" screamed the
demon, "what on earth has liking to do with it? It isn't the
After this the demon was always at the duke's elbow, for he had
made up his mind to reform him. Once he caught him going down
Oxford-street in a straw hat and slippers; next he found him taking a
light from a dustman; and twice he pounced upon him in the act of
powdering the footman's hair-and he swore he wouldn't let him
alone until he began to reform. By-and-bye it happened that the
duke came down in fortune and was about to move into a smaller
house, when the demon caught him again. "You musn't let the world
know you've come down by doing that !" he said. It's never done
-you must keep up appearances." And at last he bothered the duke
so much that the latter determined to make his escape; so, packing a
little Gladstone bag, he sneaked away one dark night and went among
the savages. Here, at least, he felt sure he had escaped from his
tormentor; but, lo and behold! he had hardly got comfortable when the
little person bustled up to him in the jungle. He was black wini, and
decked out in beads and feathers, but the duke knew him all the same.
"I wish you wouldn't turn out your toes when you walk," he said, it
isn't the custom here; and you wear too many clothes. You'd better
try a few beads and a feather or two."
Now seeing how abjectly everybody obeyed the little fussy demon,
the duke at first concluded that everyone was satisfied to be ruled by
him and desired no alteration; but, strange to say, whenever he
spoke to anybody, concerning the demon, he always heard him described
JULY 3, 1875.]
as a "bore" and a "nuisance" and "intolerable." This gave him
some encouragement, and he determined to try whether he couldn't
persuade everyone to rise against the tyrant and overthrow his rules.
He began by calling the demon names, and was delighted to find
everyone agree with everything he said; he went on to proving that
the demon's rule was arbitrary and undesirable, and everyone
admitted that his arguments were sound; but directly he suggested
that they should break through the tyrant's laws, they said they didn't
like, and other people didn't do so, and they thought it would be laying
themselves open to criticism.
It was dreadfully up-hill work, but after much trouble he succeeded
in working up their courage to the right pitch; he founded a colony
where no one was to be bound to do anything because other people did
it-where, in fact, everyone could do exactly as he liked, and they all
got on swimmingly. Now there was one person who had been first
and foremost in lending his aid to the furtherance of the duke's plan,
and who was the most enthusiastic of the lot all through: when-
ever he saw anyone doing as anyone else did, he always gave the
imitator a hint about it, whereupon the person thus warned would
immediately do differently: until, all over the colony you couldn't find
two persons whose habits were alike.
The duke was delighted! He had succeeded beyond his highest
hopes, and he now longed to meet the fussy little demon face to face
and crow over him; and one day as the duke was sitting with his legs
inside a chimney-pot, eating peas with an egg-beater, the person who
had shown so much zeal in the cause strolled up and grinned.
"Well, we get along nicely now," he said; "none of your tram-
mels here, 'oh?" "All-h!" said the duke, "none of your
confounded It's not usual' now."
By the bye," said his head man, there's a stranger just arrived in
the colony, and he's trying to persuade all the people to conform to the
same social habits."
"What! yelled the duke. "Well, why shouldn't they?" said
the other, innoccatly. The duke glared at him, utterly amazed.
"Sir!" he said, sternly, "because it is not the CUSTOM here!"
The zealous one burst into a vulgar laugh of triumph, and the duke,
looking at him more closely, recognized, in spite of a false beard, the
fussy little demon-" Custom!"
He couldn't get away from the demon, after all.
On it was a gallant soldier, and his name was Thomas Jones,
And his rank was that of private in the Twenty-Seventh Roans;
He'd a wife and little daughter, and he loved them veiy much-
He was called a decent fellow, and behaved himself as such.
Now one day there came an order from authorities in town,
Which the moment he had read it made the gentle Thomas frown,
For it bade the barrack women (he was married, recollect)
Drop the officers a curtsey, as a token of respect.
Twice he read the printed notice; then he went to Mrs. J.
And repeated it, and waited just to hear what she would say;
Oh! it sent her in hysterics and it stabbed her like a knife,
For she had a woman's feelings, though she was a soldier's wife.
First she went a burning crimson, then she shut her eyes and sighed,
Then with tears she gave expression to the throes of wounded pride,
And she murmured, "i will never suffer insult such as this,
So you'll have to leave the Army." Here she gave her Tom a kiss.
Thereupon the gentle Thomas did his gallant Colonel seek,
And with gravity informed him he should leave him that day week.
But in course of conversation he this knowledge did obtain-
That, when once you are a soldier, you a soldier must remain.
Now although a decent fellow, Thomas settled in his mind
That a way to leave the Service he most certainly would find;
So he wrote to Notes and Queries, and they answered him," 1No doubt
Petty larceny would aid you in your efforts to get out."
Then the wily Thomas wandered into half a dozen shops-
Prigged some cheese, a German sausage, and an ounce of acid drops.
Then he called upon the Colonel, and his villainies declared;
But he wasn't sent to prison, "for he couldn't well be spared."
Nexthekicked the Sergeant-Major-blacked a young Lieutenant's eye,
And his Captain while parading he would openly defy;
But the Colonel whispered to them, We must latitude allow,
For I really can't arrest him-we are short of men just now."
Now young Thomas, quite determined that he wouldn't try in vain,
In a fit of sudden passion shot his Colonel through the brain.
But the Horse Guards wouldn't let him for his crime to prison go:
" We can always get a Colonel, but a common soldier-No! "
Still his villainies grew greater-worse and worse his daily pranks-
But he hasn't found a crime yet to unfit him for the ranks.
He has killed his little daughter, he has murdered Mrs. Jones,
But he's still a private soldier in the Twenty-Seventh Roans.
THAT Mr. Bradlaugh, Mahomed Ben Ali, and Mrs. Girling have been
invited by an Eton boy to address his schoolfellows, and that the head-
master has accorded his permission. That special constables have been
sworn in; the House of Lords set by the cars, the Commons sent
raving mad, and the public incited to rabid fury in consequence. That
Mr. Albert Grant has purchased the -Echo and intends to rechristen
it the Bubble. That the Post Office authorities charged the Sultan
of Zanzibar fourpence for the cup of coffee he had at St. Martin's-lc-
Grand. That the Prince of Wales is saving his thin sixpences for pre-
sents in India. That the Oxford students have started a Co-operative
Fever Hospital and Coffin Club. That Mr. Disraeli has recommended
his old hat for a pension in consequence of its seven years' faithful and
uninterrupted service. That Mr. Gladstone has sold among his old
china the mug he made when he road Father Newman's answer.
That Mr. Collette, having heard that a sporting nobleman had made a
"bad book," is endeavouring to find out what it is entitled," in order
to suppress it. That the police have arrested the money market for being
tight. That Sir Wilfrid Lawson's humour is the water-rash. That the
natives of Fiji describe their annexation to England as a measly affair.
That when Mr. Irving gives his Address at the Lyceum lie will con-
clude with the words No Postcards." That Master Ahmed Kenealy
is saving his pocket money to buy a mane and dowdrops against ho
sits by his pa in Parliament.
THu gentleman who thought he had discovered Mc3,srs. 3Maskelyne
and Cooke's secret, and made himself an everlasting name, has taken a
back seat and is going to begin afreshl. He says his mistake only
occurred through starting from wrong premises and arriving at a
somewhat erroneous conclusion; otherwise he would have been quite
right and have bust up the delusion. And to think such trifles
should have turned him wrong! It's too bad!
RATION-AL A.MUSEMIENTs.-Soldiers' dinners.
-[JULY 3, 1875.
A HOPEFUL FAMILY.
Young Lady (energetic teacher of adult evening school) :-" O0, CHILDREN, WHERE WERE ALL YOUR PEOPLE, YESTERDAY ? WHERE WAS
YOUR FATHER?" First Bucolic Child :-" HE WERE LOCKED-UP FOR FOIGHTIN'."
Young Lady:-" AND YouR BROTHER BILL?" Second B. C. :-" HE WERE TOOK UP FOR POACH'N'."
Young Lady:-" AND YOUR UNCLE JACK?" Third B. C. :-" HE WERE COMMITTER'D FOR THIEV'N'."
[Energetic Young Lady doubts whether the class can continue.
DOTS AND LINES. rejected bill. The debate was of so horrible a nature that even the
Telegraph was disgusted. = Person fined for discharging a gun at
AMERICAN Consul insulted by Chinamen near Shanghai. United Hammersmith. For discharging it without a caution or a week's
States will demand consul-ation. More arbitration. = Prince notice, of course. = Justice robbed whilst administering the law.
Gortschakoff sends out a fresh circular on "the usages of war." He Well, Justice is proverbially blind, and should be protected. = Lord
proposes that hard hitting and gunpowder shall in future conflicts be Coleridge fines a lot of non-attendant jurymen 30 each. One would
abandoned. = Sir Arthur Gordon goes to Fiji. Will emulate the think he stood in" with the other officials who do so well out of
deeds of another great Scotchman. Bless the Duke of Argyle." = poor summoned citizens.
Great rejoicings in Bohemia over the meeting of Czar and Kaiser.
Bohemians of London wash in commemoration. = Five thousand hogs-
heads of whisky burnt to death in Dublin. Irishmen inconsolable. An Inter-esting Question.
Not so much for the value, but because of the waste of good liquor. = IF we are to accept the verdict of a select garden party invited to a
Battle between the militia and the regulars at Aldershot. Regular ducal mansion to pass an opinion upon the subject, wicker coffins are
piece of irregularity. = Arrival of the Queen of Holland in London. likely to be desirable residences for deceased persons of respectable
Poor thing! Fancy* her country being in the possession of the tastes. The inventor should now complete his service to humanity by
ferocious Dutch! = Proposal to remove Knightsbridge Barracks discovering a curate who may at all times be relied upon to commit
because of the scarlet fever. But that disease is bound to be ever earth to earth with the same celerity as the wicker." Then we shall
present among the mlllingtary. = Henley Royal Regatta. Sir Wilfrid have no further unpleasantnesses when we want to get buried.
Lawson doesn't object to people going to this event, because it is only
a great water party. It must be the lobster or the oil in the salad
that makes one see nineteen men all in one boat, and all of 'em jolly good Query for Naturalists.
fellowsh, and sho shay all of ush! = Two "ladies" sit out the debate IF a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, is a mole on the
on the Contagious Diseases Act. Probably two promoters of the face worth two in the ground ?
JFUN. JuL 3, 1875.
"TAKING IT EASY."
John Bull:-" CAUGHT ANYTHING YET ?"
Ben Dizzy:-" N-NO, NOT YET. BUT I VE ONLY BEEN SITTING HERE A YEAR AND A HALF. PLENTY OF TIME."
JULY 3, 1875.]
THE JOLLY MONTH OF JUNE.
THE POET TO HIS PARTrLE FAIR.
How sweet, dear love, is yonder sky
With blackness overcast;
Look how the dust goes driving by
Upon the northern blast !
The window dances in its frame,
The chimney howls a tune,
And hurricanes with glee proclaim
The jolly month of June.
Go fetch my fur-lined overcoat,
My best of lady loves,
A scarf to wind about my throat,
And bring my woollen gloves.
My gaiters, too, and mackintosh,
For each of them's a boon
When wading thro' the gentle slosh
That whispers, This is June."
And when I'm back again to-night
Beside my own dear lass,
We'll draw the cosy curtains tight
And turn on all the gas.
Then while the tempest roars without
We'll by the fender croon,
And read what poets say about
The jolly month of June.
THE writer of the money article in a
weekly contemporary, commenting upon a
recent heavy failure, says, The firm has
been considered shaky for some time past."
Pray, Mr. Money Articler, how can a thing
which is firm be shaky ? R. S. V. P.
A TIIYn-G TnIE.-Quarter Sessions.
Teacher (explaining the "duty towards your neighbour"):-" YES HINOURl AND OEEY
THE QUEEN, AND ALL THAT ARE PUT IN AUTHORITY UNDER HER;-ANYBODY ELSE,? "
Small boy :-" YES, SIR; THE POLICEMAN."
MORE MODEL ASSOCIATIONS.
FoR preventing the pollution of the Atlantic.
For supplying policemen with noses that will make a man nine days
dead of apoplexy smell of drink."
For discovering a briefer name for the offence now known as
"travelling in a railway carriage of a superior class to that for which
he had taken a ticket."
For promoting the establishment of a vulgarium in Mayfair.
For bestowing the Order of Modesty upon M.P.s who call the House
of Commons the first assembly of gentlemen in the world."
For persuading her Majesty's Ministers to reply to Sir Wilfrid
Lawson's annual special speeches.
For assassinating Bismarck in all seriousness.
For the repression of human vivisection by animals, particularly
For promoting State aid to the Liberation Society.
For teaching the principles of lateral progress to Mr. Disraeli by
means of living crabs.
For exterminating butchers'-boys who whistle Madame Angot.
For the propagation of insular whims in foreign parts by foreign
For grinding organ-grinders in mills that grind exceeding small.
For inspiring gnats with a wholesome fear of the lion-quelling
For collecting evidence that Mr. Tupper is not a high-class poet.
For throwing obstacles in the way of unequal marriages.
For teaching women the disgusting worthlessness of the men whom
they prefer to the members of this society.
For assisting the husband to convince the wife that his apparently
clever friend is less clever than he seemed before he took to calling at
For converting tar into turnips.
For converting turnips into tar.
For proving to young ladies that by no arrangement of their skirts
can they conceal the fact that they are sitting on one foot.
For preventing the tides.
For the performance of everything but duty, the relief of every-
thing but want, the propagation of everything but sense, and the
promotion of everything but creditable ends by practical means.
TuE BEST STAGE RE.ALIS.-Real profits.
An Eyes Distinction.
A CONSTABLE of the X division was before Mr. Bridge the other day,
charged with assault, the immemorial "lady in the case being con-
spicuously to the fore. The evidence was insufficient to convict, but
in dismissing the case Mr. Bridge remarked that, "it showed how
extremely careful a constable ought to be in going up to a crowd; and
no doubt it would be a caution to the defendant not to use language
derogatory to the character of a married woman." We had not
observed that policemen were perilously venturesome in approaching
a crowd; indeed, it has seemed to us that the more turbulent grew the
crowd the more consummately circumspect became the constabular
tactics, frequently amounting to the extreme discretion of a flank
movement by way of Calcutta. As to eschewing words derogatory
to the character of a married woman, it is obviously difficult to dis-
criminate between a woman who is married and one who is not, unless
the former have the thoughtfulness to display that distinguishing
feature," a blackened eye.
A Good Exchange.
FoR many years one of the greatest griefs of the sporting fraternity
has been that in any competition, no matter how large, there can only
be one winner. This seems to have been got over at last, for in a
report of the recent Scottish sports at Sheffield we are told that the
Highland Fling was next danced by J. M'Neil, the champion, and D.
M'Phcc, both of whom won." By the same token, though, both must
have lost, for before there can be a winner there must be a loser.
Perhaps after all this is only a Scotch witticism, written to prove that
even the land-o'-cakists will have their fling." If so, it ought to be
preserved as the only, most unique, and hcad-breakingest specimen
of the ]dind ever discovered. There, how's that for Irish to match
the Scotch ?
The Leafy Seize-on.
AN American paper prefers to put it this way:-" The Kansas
grasshoppers speak very highly of the early cabbages." Quite natural,
the grasshopper always had a lively appreciation of the boundy of the
ArPPnoPRIATE tune for Canadian female emigrants-" Coming through
12 F U NT. [JULY 3,1875.
"AN OWER TRUE TALE."
Scotchman (to English Tourist) :-"TOOT AWAA, MA MAN, TOOT AWAA; DINNA YE BOAST SAE MUCH ABOOT YER AIN COUNTRIES; DINNA YE
KEN THAT IT WAS ONLY CAA'D BREETIN TIL ScoTLAND CAM' T' TE, AN' then YE BECAME GREAT BREETIN ?-AYE, AN' YE'VE REMAINED GREAT
EVER SINCE. YE'D BE A PUIR LOT LEFT TO YERSELS! "
COCKFIGHTING CAREFULLY CONSIDERED.
AuGSPUR EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
Young admirably written and extremely temperate letter has just
reached me, and has succeeded in disarming my hostile soul. But I
cannot understand why you should ask in an apparently ingenuous
and certainly ingenious manner why I have not been so industrious
as of yore. Why, indeed! Do you in your inflated self-conceit and
confidence imagine that a sporting writer has no sense of the glorious
and the ambitious ? That because he has to write of racing he cannot
afford to be racy, and that when he treads the path of prophecy he is
oblivious of the pursuit of poesy ? Do you think I can stand calmly
by and see you admire the products of other pens, hear you rave
about the ability displayed by rival contributors? No, perish the
thought! I may not be clever, but if you wish to retain my services
you must treat me as if I were. You ought to know that a man who
isn't sure of his ability is certain to insist upon it, and the respect
which is its due, whenever circumstances favour such insistation. (If
insistation isn't an etymologically correct word make it insistensifica-
tion or insistiferadicability. Let us be correct or die.) Well, I am in
a position to insist, and I mean to have my pen'orth. You want
sporting articles, and my sporting articles in particular. Then you
must make out as if you believed my other work-my poems, para-
graphs, &c.-to be better than anyone's else. I shall know it is only
sham, but it is the custom now to accept shams, knowing them to be
such, with an outward and reverential show. And thereby a great
deal of trouble and bother are saved, domestically, socially, and
politically. Turn this well over in your mind till you arrive at its
meaning, and when found make a note of it. The man who was last
caught making notes got five years'. Who can tell what greatness
may not yet blossom forth to adorn your future!
But to dissemble, and get on. I have been staying with the Old
'un, studying the art and mystery of journalistic correspondence. I
am never above admitting when I have found a master of the art. By
the Old 'un, of course I mean the Admiral, who commanded the wild
white horse marine brigade at the battle of Trafalgar, and rode a cock-
horse home with the news of that glorious victory. Riding the high
horse was his next performance, and in that pursuit he was unequalled;
but subsequently taking to the rampant hobby-horse he eclipsed all
previous performers thereon, and so astonished the boldest riders by
his flights that a stewardship of the Jockey Club was bestowed on
him, and all he had to do was to find his own bottled beer and basins.
The peculiarity of the Admiral is that he always knows more about
anything than anybody else, and he is never above giving his opinion.
I have in my possession 777 letters which he has written to the papers
authoritatively on 777 different subjects, in each of which occurs this
memorable and convincing sentence: When I commanded the Rain-
bow in 1827 ." Mr. Dick never commanded the head of King
Charles the First with half so much persistency or a quarter so much
The latest subject that the Old 'un has taken up is cockfighting,
and the other night he insisted on writing a letter to the Times about
it. I said to him, "What side are you going to take ?" and he replied,
"Well, that we'll see as it works out in the course of composition."
We soon got to work, and found out all about cockfighting in the
books of reference. Having settled how often the command of the
Rainbow in 1827 was to be mentioned, and picked out a lot of
historical references, then came the task of discovering the exact shape
and form of the letter. First we arranged that the following items
should come in the following order:-1. House of Commons. 2. Her
Majesty's subjects. 3. Herods (fat). 4. House of Commons again.
6. Fakirs. 6. Admirals (of the Rous). 7. Snobs. 8. Syrians. 9.
I think," said the Old 'un, it would be as well to get in the
cruise of the Rainbow in 1827 after the Greeks." But I thought it
would be better to postpone it a little longer, unless, indeed, the subject
were to be treated in verse; and so we resumed the arrangement.
Thus: 10. Themistocles besieging Dalmatia. 11. Pomponius Mela.
12. The Roman Empire. 13. Severus conquering Britain. 14. Mark
Antony. 15. Julius Cuesar. 16. Admiral Rous again (" And very
JULY 3, 1875.]
good company too," as the latter remarked). 17. The Great Gustavus.
18. Christian, King of Denmark. 19. The Infidel of Constantinople.
20. Henry the Eighth. 21. Mr. Wilson. 22. Sir Thomas Urquhart
at the battle of Naseby. "And," said the gallant old sailor, giving
his pen a preliminary flourish, 23. Admiral Rous commanding the
Rainbow in 1827. I fancy if anything ever is to beat cockfighting
in actuality my letter to the Tnes will be found the very thing."
And I fancy so, too.
Our next difficulty was, of course, the letter itself. My proposal
was that it should be written in verse, taking in the items as laid out
ready for use according to their rhythmic capacity. Here is my
notion, and I thought the Admiral would have been sure to adopt it,
because I stuck persistently to his perennial postulate of himself and
O Herods fat and Greeks so grand
Leave pigeon-shooting leaven,
And hear how cocks were brought to land
When Rous on Rainbow battles planned
O Fakirs, Snobs,-ye Commons dread-
Cockfighting is my heaven,
Pomponius Mela for it bled,
And on the Rainbow cocks we bred
Harry the Eighth and kings beside
In Dulwich, Deal, and Devon,
Have lost their mains and never cried,
While on the Rainbow cocks were tried
You will see that I was gradually taking in the chief gentlemen
arranged to be mentioned in the letter; but the Admiral was inexor-
able and insisted on having his own way. How he had it, as well as
how faithfully he succeeded in sticking in every one of the names I
have given, I need not here describe. Is not the story told in the
" leading journal"-the great Times itself-of only a few days back ?
It is, and with such corroborative evidence of the truth of my story
I am e'en .content to subscribe myself-more for publication than
as a necessary guarantee of good faith,
Yours most cocksurely, and luminous as the Rainbow,
(PE rY-WISE AND TUPPERNY-POOLISH.)
NECESSITY has no laws. But the man who steals a loaf because he's
starving gets a month's imprisonment.
Many a mickle makes a muckle. But any muck'll make a three-
Never measure another man's corn by your own bunion when his
feel are in your way.
It's best to be off with the old love before you are on with the new.
But don't be off to church with either.
If you wait till the sun shines to make your hay, the steed will
starve while the grass is growing.
Where there's a will there's a way. But where there's no will the
heir-at-law has it all his own way.
Poets are born, not made. Field-Marshals are made just before
Half a loaf is better than no bread. But a thorough loafer is
always an ill-bred fellow.
A worm will turn, and so will cream in hot weather. Both last
longest out of doors.
The horse is the friend of man. But women understand him better
and ruin hiti quicker.
The path of glory leads but to the grave. As every man must die,
it's immaterial what road be takes.
As you make your bed you must lie upon it. But truth is not im-
possible in the man who has no housemaid.
Necessity is the mother of invention. But the "Inventors'
Column is the kid of the D1aily Telegraph.
Many a man whose life has been mis-spent is well laid out when
Heads of Oak.
WHEax a man saves somebody's life at the risk of his own all the
newspapers give his name and address; but the other day a little girl
who had fallen into the Thames was pulled out by a dog, about whom we
have been told absolutely nothing, except that he belongs to a gentle-
man, though it is implied that his ancestors came from Newfoundland.
We should like to know that dog's name in order that we might print
it in capitals with a note of admiration, for he is a capital dog, whom
we admire. If he will come to 80, Fleet-street, he shall have a
bellyful of cold contributors, by decapitating any one of whom we
can supply doggy with what the Americans call a square meal."
A MATTER OF TASTE.
I'M quite aware that, on the whole,
It's very much beneath
A poet's dignity of soul
To go to Hampstead Heath;
And such proceedings must, it's clear,
Encourage vulgar mists
In that exalted atmosphere
In which the Bard exists.
Depositing a modest fare
I sought the place I've named;
A fact of which, I'm well aware,
I ouyht to be ashamed.
To make my conduct still more dark
To Bards of stricter views,
I may as well at once remark
I also took the Muse.
We love to mould our manners by
The company we're in;
And so we took-the Muse and I-
Some winkles and a pin.
We both concealed our brows sublime,
Where inspiration sat-
The Muse assuming for the time
A Dolly-Varden hat.
Although the Muse, I own with joy,
Is quite a model dame,
In flirting with a donkey-boy
She was, perhaps, to blame:
We also were observed to chat
(According to our plan)
With 'Arry of the artful 'at,
And with his Mary-Hann.
And I and 'Arry went and sat
And innocently prosed,
For 'Arry of the artful 'at
Was affably disposed.
We sat together on the hill,
Exchanging friendly grins,
And shared each other's winkles till
We swallowed both the pins.
Yet calm reflection seems to bring
The sad conviction that
My spirit doesn't seem to cling
To 'Arry of the 'at;
Though-viewing her in ev'ry light,
As calmly as I can-
I somehow seem to think I might
Put up with Mary-Hann.
But when I asked the Muse she said
That Mary-Hann was vain,
And positively plain!
But-(quite in vain the lady sought
To win me to her creed)-
But 'Arry of the 'at, she thought,
Was very nice indeed!
Why trace such weakness to its source-
The old familiar tale ?
The Muse is prejudiced, of course,
For 'Arry is a male.
But, oh it makes my eyes expand
Beyond their wonted span,
To think she cannot understand
My liking Mary-Hann!
A couNTar jury recently returned a verdict of Accidental Suicide."
This latest specimen of British palladia ought to be bracketed with
the other one that returned a verdict of felo de se against a sailor who
was charged with bigamy. Still, in the latter case there was some
slight justification in the way of sound. What but a coroner can
"warrant" the other ?
THa Sheffield branch of the Magna Charta Association have taken
up the claims of a gentleman named Oldale to some land in the neigh-
bourhood of their town. The claims of one Oldale upon the Association
cannot be denied, for the other probably generated it, sustains it, and
is, varied with gin and water, the sole object of its existence.
[JULY 3, 1875.
THE SLIDING SCALE.
Rector's Wife (severely) :-" ToMwM ROBINSON, HOW I IST YOU DON'T
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT WHEN YOU MEET ME ? "
Tommy :-" WELL MARM, IF I TAKE OFF MY HAT TO YOU, WHAT BE I
TO DO WHEN I MEET THE PARSON HIMSELF?"
WHEN you meet with an accident turn up a side street and get out
of its way.
If you run Bills object to them after they come in. If you run
Harrys or Dicks object before they start.
Always keep your temper; it costs less than your poor relations.
Never eat peas with a-knife while lamb's only a shilling a pound.
Never go to sleep in your boots while there's a bed or an easy chair
Study the art of telling lies; the man who can't tell" one is bound
to be deceived.
Never say die-do it and be blowed to you.
The Watery Main.
THE report that Mr. Tennyson would borrow several of the similes
in his new drama from recent events turns out to be correct. He
mentions a carrion-nosing mongrel, vomiting hate and horror." No
"Englishman" will need to be told who suggested the image. To
make it complete the Laureate should have included the mongrel's
mane and its roriferous qualities.
SHORT CoMoxNs.-Triennial Parliaments.
A FULL STOP.
THEY bring me pens, they fetch me ink,
They get me paper, white or blue:
And then they go away and think
They leave me little else to do.
I weakly wander through my. brain
In search of anything to say.
I hunt my fancies up in vain.--
My Muse is in a sulk to-day.
I think I thought a thing or two
In August or September last,
Which probably for verse may do
If well remodelled and recast.
A quaint idea rarely fails
To make a lyric or a lay.
I bite my pen-I bite my nails.-
My Muse is in a sulk to-day.
A tragedy from common life
Will take the managers, perhaps;-
One fellow kills another's wife
And each a lot of other chaps.
I know a little of the stage,
And fancy I could write a play.
No, not at present. Not a page.-
My Muse is in a sulk to-day.
I have a story studied out;
The plot is comic and grotesque.
With very little work, no doubt,
Twould make a rather neat burlesque.
To put that story into rhyme
Just now I scarcely see my way.
I'd better drop it for a time.-
My Muse is in a sulk to-day.
I can but scribble tiny bits.
I only write the present scrawl
(With many starts and many fits)
To prove I cannot write at all.
I cannot speak-I cannot think-
On any matter, grave or gay.
Farewell to paper, pens and ink.-
My Muse is in a sulk to-day.
WHEN is a penny steamer like a billy-cock ?-When
it goes on a head.
Coached or Crammed.
AMONG the most recent revelations for which we are indebted to
the sporting press is an article on Four-in-hand," which contains
much of an interesting and hitherto unheard-of nature, and winds up
with the information that the coach returns to Piccadilly at six p.m.
punctually in time to dress for dinner." Unfortunately we are left
in ignorance as to the rest of the programme. Fancy a coach putting
on its patent leather boots," trimming its "lamps," and taking the
way-bill A la carte, until it became full inside !" The coach may
both dress and dine, but we haven't appetite sufficient to swallow the
story. We firmly believe that the scribblers who so deftly dribble out
" dress for dinner" know nothing whatever about dress, and a great
deal less, as a rule, about dinner.
MR. FUN's ADVICE TO CERTAIN PEOPLE ABOUT TO TRY TO MAKE A
NoHw Ready, the Twenty-eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The TWENTY-FIRST VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d.each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. Sd. etch.
ER 'QUININE W
WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Btandard. 'N .4
"I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. Hassall, T.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS. -WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.-
Prnted by JUDD & Co orks, St Adrew I otor commons, sad Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, R.C.-Loa'on, July 3, 1875.
JULY 10. 1875.1
A TRIUMPH OF IMAGINATION.
A POET wandered, all conceit
And nasty self-congratulation,
Because he fancied nought could beat
His wonderful imagination.
He raved of bards deserving wings
Because they're so extremely clever
In building up such lovely things
From no foundation whatsoever.
He said it was the poet's task
To render ugliness delightful,
And lend unsightliness a mask;-
The man's conceit was something frightful!
And as he wandered overjoyed,
And giving vent to boastful gushes,
He found an artist-man employed
In slowly painting things, with brushes.
And this was in a ghastly lane
Which surely, under no condition,
Could e'er have had the smallest grain
Of beauty in its composition.
The merely human mind conceives
No wilder scene of desolation-
A few discarded cabbage leaves
Were all the sign of vegetation!
But what the artist had portrayed-
(Unbounded meads of verdure, under
A summer sky of azure)-made
The poet blink his eyes with wonder.
A pump, three palings, and a post
(All grimly hideous abortions)
He'd turned to beeches of the most
Unquestionably grand proportions!
To see that poet sneak away
And hide himself, in degradation,
Without another word to say
Concerning his imagination:
To see him buy, and mix, and take
A pound of arsenic shortly after-
It truly was enough to make
You shake your very sides with laughter.
First Swell:-" Cuaotiu, tiA' fi ill 6D A fDUMI PIANO?"
'Second Do.: -"Y AAS, MEANT FOR THE DEAr AffD bTUMn-AW-5'POSE!"
A COLOSSAL GRIEVANCE.
TO THE EDITOR OF "FUN."
,Sz.,-I am only a giant, but I protest that even the meanest
creaturess have rights, and that amongst these is the right of not being
misrepresented by another and a meaner creature. Standing on
Snowdon the other day, I glanced casually over to Birmingham, and
saw an unusual commotion amongst some of your people, who were
gathered into a bunch, about a little fellow gesticulating on a platform.
I thought at first I would step over and put my foot upon them, but
on reflection decided to crush them otherwise (if you will permit me),
and in the meantime find out what particular species of mischief they
would be at. Well, it was that pestilent little Kenealy spouting about
Magna Charta. (Magna Charta is good! Why, I could have spread
it out on my thumb nail, and had margin enough for all the barons to
march round it and admire the wretched handwriting of the starving
clerk who drafted it.) In the course of his tirade the miserable little
insect said this: Come forth like eagles, renewing your strength.
Come forth like giants refreshed with wine (the italics are mine) and
with our eagles and giants we shall never cease until the eagles and
giants are at the topmost place of England, and the baser animals are
sent to their proper and contemptible receptacle."
Now, I'm no schollard, worse luck, but I call this rot; and doosidly
bad rot, too. I don't know what is meant by classing giants as animals,
even superior animals, and I don't know why they should be mentioned
in connection with what you call eagles-which are our musquitoes.
Nor can I understand why this little beast of a fellow, whom I could
put into my moustache, though I would rather not, should affect a
proprietary interest in me and my kind. I'll grant him the eagles if
he likes, but where does he get his giants ? No, sir, the thing is absurd.
What's more, I would have him to know-the restless little pismire !-
that we don't drink We are teetotallers to a man. It would be awk-
ward for your wine merchants if we were not.
Sir, I am one of the most amicable and peacefully disposed fellows
in the world-anybody will tell you that. We are all that way. But
this kind of thing has got to be stopped, or there will be a vacancy in
the representation of Stoke. Let the absurd little brute go on with
his lions, and his dewdrops, and his eagles; but if I hear any more
about giants I mean to put nmy foot down firmly I won't be mixed
up with that Orton crowd-not if I know it.
By the way, I wonder that you don't step down to Stoke, or wher-
ever the noisy little fellow hangs out, and put a pin through him.
Nicely skewered on a bit of card he would command attention as a
fine specimen of the Colorado potato-beetle, and be an ornament to
your office. Or you might preserve him alive in your snuff-box as a
thing to be sneezed at-if that is how you express it. But on second
thoughts of course you couldn't, for you are no bigger than he is,
though it seems odd, somehow.
I have the honour to remain, sir, your very humble and obedient
servant, AN INSULTED GIANT.
AN excellent and time-honoured authority has told us that it is
useless to dispute about matters of taste; but we would fain, in the
interests of common sense and cleanliness-small things we will admit,
but yet things possessing a slight claim on attention-say a word with
regard to the taste recently shown by Mesdames Stirling and Ban-
croft, actresses. The former rushes into print concerning a soiled
pocket-handkerchief which has been used by the latter for some time,
and which, valuable alone on account of its nasty condition, has been
presented by the user as a contribution to a charity. The charity
which covers a multitude of sins can hardly ever have been called on
more necessarily than it is now with regard to the unpleasantness of two
old ladies and a besnivelled mouchoir. This is one of the unfortunate
results of a systematic adulation, which is mistaken by its objects for
criticism, and makes them believe themselves above the serious weak-
nesses of ordinary poor humanity.
WHY is the Sultan of Zanzibar like the last Oxford crew ?-Be-
cause he's a potentate (potent eight).
JULY 10 1875.]
16 F U N [JULY 10, 1875.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 7, 1875.
OH, Mr. Cross, we'd like to know
How far your Bill : rr.: nr to go;
We'd like to have w", ten our ken
Your inmost thoughts of workingg m- n;
To ask you what is your d,:sign,
And why they must no nm:.r> ..:.midnc-.
Pray tell us, if hard work iw wr, g,
To where and what doe's nrht ;t.l. .n '
Oh, tell us quickly, Mr. Cross,
Because just now we're at a loss!
Mayhap a muddle's in ..ur mindr :-
But are these men .f m:io r..r.u, kind ?
Are men, because they workarid toil,
Distinct from owners of the soil *-
Of other flesh than men of rank
And land, and money in th-. h.n :k
If not, why bring an Act 1.:. b-.ir
On workmen thus, and ...th..r" 'pire ?
Oh yes, explain the ir nle, pray-
And doubt and sadn.. .in re away!
C#AVITABLE appeals are nowadays so common, and the reason for
them so manifold, that it is hard indeed to select any one application
which has or should have more weight than the generality. Yet we
venture to think that, just at this season of the year, a request is made
to all those who can in any way spare money, which has peculiar and
significant claims. It is now that the cry of the children goes up;
and all their prayer is a day in the green fields, a day away from the
dirty courts, dingy alleys, and pestilential slumns which know them all
the rest of the year, and from which, without the aid of the charitable
and benevolent, they cannot even stray for a few short -hours. To
those who follow the r:g-l ,,r run of the London and country seasons,
and to those, less happy blu e ll comparatively fortunate, who get
their annual holiday at the -,1. or run across the "silver streak,"
it may seem hardly worth while troubling about a few hours in the
outskirts of the metropolis,-it may seem to them so trifling a change
that it cannot matter much whether it takes place or not. This is by no
means the case. There are at the present moment thousands of
children to whom the word country has no meaning-who have never
seen a green field, and whose notions of a tree are of the most limited
kind. There are others who will never forget the brief glimpse of joy
they have already tasted; who lived for six months of last year on its
remembrance, and forthe past six months' of the present on the prospect
of itsropetition. Some day perhaps School-boards will consider a day in
the country once a year a necessary part of a child's education. Until
then let us hope that quiet and unobtrusive charity will succeed in
doing that which blatant philanthropy forgets; and that no one will
take his summer excursion until he has subscribed his mite towards
the temporary happiness of our gutter children.
OFF AND AWAY.
I cATCH from afar the blue gleam of the ocean,
And scent the salt odours afloat on the breeze,
As the train rushes swiftly with shriek and commotion
Past homesteads and hamlets and tremulous trees.
And I long for the morrow when blowing my baccaa,
I'll lounge in the loosest of bags on the strand,
Until dryness shall prompt a strong wish to attack a
Pint pot of the porter they sell close at hand.
And won't I just plunge in the briny, for scorning
Conventional habits I'll do as I please;
And scouting late dinners, their fuss and adorning,
I'll dine when I like, and have four o'clock teas.
Hurrah! then, the end of the Session's approaching,
When greybeards and youngsters are off and away,
Like me, to sweet spots where the wavelets encroaching
Sing musical ditties the whole summer day !
The "Globe" Edition of English History.
Tss Globe informs us that the collection known as the Marl-
borough gems was formed by George III., Duke of Marlborough."
At what period his lamented Majesty, of doubtful memory, assumed
the ducal title we have not been able to discover. Probably during
one of those moments of blind and blatant idiocy for which he and
some of our contemporaries' reporters are so justly famous.
TWO ACROBATS; OR, LAND VERSUS WATER.
IT was night in the beautiful Kansas country.
Darkness, like an artful jackdaw, had descended upon all earthly
things, and hidden them from man's searching eye. Ever and anon
the death-like stillness was broken by the plaintive love note of the
bison or the knowing whistle of Mayne Reed, who was searching the
adjacent prairie for earless trappers. All the world was wrapped in
peaceful slumber, save the holders of Erie bonds and-
And two stalwart youths of native origin.
"Paul," said the elder, laying one hand affectionately upon his
comrade's shoulder, and the other against a neighboring mango
tree; "Paul, we are standing alone in the balmly quietude of a
summer's night, smoking our pipes and discussing the future. We
are two Yankee lads of acrobatic tendencies and rough address, and
we start for Europe to-morrow to try our luck. Do we not ?"
"I guess we dew, Silas," answered the youth addressed as Paul,
"but you might tell me something as 'ud be fresher in the way of news."
Don't interrupt, my dear Paul; I must explain the situation to
The Public ain't open."
"The Public I mean is always open to a good story. We start
to-morrow, but not together. My line of business is the lofty rope,
the spiral staircase, and the flying trapeze, and yoi-rs is-
"India-rubber, lying on my back, and smoking cigars."
"I perform upon dry land."
"And I upon the ocean."
"'Tis well; in ten years' time we will meet again beside this ancient
mango treQ and count our money."
Above the hum of the melancholy anaconda, above the tintinnabu-
lation of a river steamer's bell, above the war whoop of a passing
tribe of Iroquois warriors, there floated away upon the western breeze
a duosyllabic expression of infinite tenderness and grief-the wailing
word Farewell !" So parted Paul and Silas.
The scene is changed.
It is a densely crowded music-hall in the heart of Whitechapel.
Upon the raised platform stands a youth, of American origin, gaudily
attired in the glittering garb of the aerial athlete.
He swings from bar to bar with the grace of a D'Orsay and the
agility of the ape. Glasses are thumped upon the tables; flashily
attired counterjumpers vociferate the name of Silas; drunken demi-
reps split their eighteenpenny kids in the enthusiasm of frantic appro-
bation. The chairman rolls a glassy eye of admiration upon our
hero, and hiccoughs a boozy Bravo." The athlete smiles, places his
hand upon his chest, and bows. He has attained the highest honour
which is possible to an acrobat-who performs upon dry land.
The scene is changed.
It is a stormy ocean. A youth of American origin is floating about
in an india-rubber boat. Steaming slowly in his wake is a small
vessel containing twenty journalists and seventy-five pounds' worth
of champagne. The youth smokes a cigar. Wonderful! exclaim
the bacchanalians on the boat. He drinks a glass of seltzer and brandy.
" Marvellous!" The current carries him on shore. Unequalled
feat of bravery and endurance, and a service to humanity," blubber
the sea-sick and fizz-inspired brethren of the pen. Off go special
dispatches to all the papers of the world, couched in the glowing
language of men who have three columns at their service, and want to
fill them. The public read and believe. The whole population of a
civilized country goes raving mad. Great dignitaries invite the
acrobat to dinners and breakfasts, corporations present him with the
freedom of their cities. Lord Mayors feel honoured when he addresses
them as old cock." Royalty corresponds with him by telegraph,
and smirks when he calls it marm," and offers to stand it a drink.
What matters it that the man is a professional tumbler and gets
fifty and a hundred guineas for performing" at baths, wash-houses,
and tea-gardens. He is not a vulgar pariah of pimn eeo mnd dry land.
Oh no, he is a hero of india-rubber and water. I ..... .,, it. creature of
the trapeze and slack wire pays seven shillings for a paragraph
advertisement; he gets three columns for nothing. He must be a
The scene is changed.
Ten years have rolled away, and once again it is night in Kansas
country. The plaintive note of the bison is heard no more, for he has
found his love. The whistle of Mayne Reed disturbs no more the
stillness of the night, for he has found his earless trapper. The
holders of Erie bonds sleep the sleep of idiocy in the County Lunatic
Asylum. All the world is at rest save-
Save two well-grown men of native origin.
They lean against the ancient mango tree, and talk of olden times.
Paul, my boy, I have worked hard for myself since we parted,
and in ten years I have broken my leg, knocked out an eye, injured
JULY 10, 1875.]
my spine for life, and realized enough money to pay my passage out
here and die prematurely in -my native land."
Silas, my lad, I have worked hard for humanity, and in ten years
I have realized an enormous fortune. You are a common acrobat, I
am a gentleman received at every court in Europe. Why ? because
you performed for yourself on shore, and I performed for humanity
in water. But I must go. I have promised to write the Queen and
let her know I arrived safely. Farewell."
(By kind permission of Sir Wilfrid Lawson.)
Water is a wonderful thing.
A FEVER SPOT.
OH, Letty sweet, the sun is out,
rut on your Dolly Varden ;
Let's prate of love and stroll about
The Thames Embankment garden.
The dainty rose is blooming there,
The seats are nice and shady,
The summer blossoms scent the air-
Come thither, gentle lady.
Oh, Herbert dear, too well I know
The pretty place you mention,
But there again, my love, to go
I've not the least intention.
I like the flowers and shady seat,
But think the -smell alarming,
And open drains beneath one's feet
The opposite of charming.
"Palmam ,qui meruit."
ALDERMAN BEsLEY has been showing his fondneafor .the crisp and
idiomatic once more, though he seems still rather at variance with the
lucid and logical. During the examination of a youthful thief and
murderer-we mean of a juvenile absentee from school, who had been
hunted down in true criminal fashion by the minions of the London
Board-the worthy Alderman delivered himself. The report .tells us
that, one of the Board men thanked God that he was a Christian.
Alderman Besley said he doubted it." Now what did the worthy
Alderman doubt ? That the officer was a Christian, or that he was
thankful for being one. We trust the-latter, for we should hardly'
care to have the acts of the :School Board officers imputed to Jews or
heathens. Judaism and heathendom have done nothing, recently at
all events, to deserve so sad a fate; and though Mr. Besley may, like
the traditional nigger, have discovered their past enormities only just
now," it is hard that on that account, and that account alone, per-
suasions which are in modem days mild and respectable should be
made to suffer in reputation for so truly Christian an institution as
the London School Board, or for such sound professors" of Christian
doctrine as the L. S. B. inspectors.
A Toping World.
WRITING to a contemporary on the now popular topic of what to do
with ourselves when dead, Mr. John Leighton mentions a certain class
of deaths caused by a superabundance of moist matters in the body."
Considering the peculiar property of the moist matters from whose
superabundance so many people die, we cannot-favour Mr. Leighton's
recommendation of sepulture in an absorbent soil. We do not wish
to see our globe go staggering through space as drunk as a lord, and
doing somebody's planet a mischief.
A METHOEIST New Connexion minister has been expelled by the
Conference for proposing marriage to four young ladies. If New Con-
nexion means anything in ,the Methody language, he was only zealous
in the cause, and should have been rewarded rather than punished
for endeavouring to justify the title of the body he belonged to.
THE Shakesperean prophecies put into the mouth of Richard II.,-
" Let's talk of graves, of worms, and epitaphs, make dust our paper "-
have been strangely fulfilled, for, simultaneously with the coffin show
at the Duke of Sutherland's, a new journal for undertakers appeared
with the title of The Obituary. After this we may soon look for the
WRITER'S CRAMP.-The advertisement sheet of his paper.
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
FROM Messrs. Warne we have received a batch of Companion
Library" books, which are true to their title in more ways than one.
They are companions in binding and in price; and as we suppose it is
impossible to secure a uniform line of ability, the publishers have com-
pensated for this by securing a companionable and congenial company
of authors. We presume it is for the sake of the title that the
seven volumes before us have been selected. These are Austin friars
and George Geith, by Mrs. Riddell; Bright Morning, Victor Lescur,
and Artiste, by Miss Grant; and Mad Dumnaresq and No Intentions, by
Miss Marryat. Seven complete tales by lady authoresses of the
completest kind. If this be not companionship our notions will want
reconstructing. As books of this kind are nothing if not exciting we
can cordially recommend them; and here again the title of the series
asserts itself. As companion during an otherwise long and tedious
journey any one of the books will be found valuable, and in the
perusal of the hairbreadth 'scapes and absorbing love passages, as well
as descriptions of muscular heroes and moonstruck heroines, with -, hioh
each of the books abounds, it is to be hoped that many fair travellers
will remain oblivious of the perils which nowadays in so many
shapes and disguises attend on a journey by rail. Miss Grant's
stories are exceptionally fresh and good.
Also from Messrs. Warne we have Gilbert's Shadow and a reprint,
for the pocket, of Uncle Tom's Cabin. Both these are evidently
intended for the younger branches, the coloured illustrations of the
latter being especially attractive to those youngsters who are anxious
to know what real slaves and slave-owners were like in the good old
days. The coloured folk, particularly those who are quite black, come
out marvellously well, and the costumes of the whites reflect consider-
able credit on the artist's ingenuity. Gilbert's Shadow is a nice quiet
story well told, and may be conscientiously recommended to those who
think a book the best present for a good boy or girl. For ourselves,
we think a diamond ring, a leg of mutton, or a sack of potatoes the
right kind of testimonial-but this is merely matter of individual
taste, and we 'have no wish to press the suggestion on an obtuse and
Though Mr. Farjeon may be the last man to suspect it, he is a poet
as well as a novelist. We trust those gentlemen who think the whole
art and mystery of poetry consist in correct measurement of syllables
and regulated run of rhymes will not be offended when we say that
in this author there is often more true poetry than is to be found in
volumes of wers de societd or shoals of the sickly sentimental songs
so common in the drawing-rooms of modern society. Mr. Farjeon's
brightness of observation and powers ,of description seem in no way
impaired by the rapid issue of his more recent work. Love's Victory
(Tinsleys) finishes rather abruptly, but the fact that disappointment is
felt more because there is too little than too much is such a novelty
nowadays that it cannot be regarded as other than a decided
Interleaves (Triibners) is a small collection of poems by Percy Greg.
The title is intended to be suggestive of recreative fancies which have
occurred during the progress of the workday prose of twenty years."
However much prose Mr. Greg may have got through during that
time his poems certainly avenge him. Some of them are exquisite,
and all contain much of the fire and fancy of true poetry.
Wines of the World (Ward and Lock), an interesting little book, is
on a subject which can hardly be called dry, though it is certainly
provocative of considerable thirst in anyone who reads it carefully.
From Mr. Henry Vizetelly we certainly obtain a good deal more know-
ledge about wine than is to be obtained from drinking it. But we're not
going to turn our backs on the rosy," or cease to patronise a very
old practice for all that.
The Kingfisher's Haunt is a chromolithograph, the original of which
was considered worthy of the Turner gold medal, given under the
direction of our great and good Academy. We need only say that
the copy is faithful, and that the publishers are Messrs. Darnley and
Co., of Conduit-street.
Martineau on Sound (Groombridge) is one of the little science
manuals issued by this firm, and contains much that is both instruc-
tive and amusing.
Among other literary novelties we are promised a speedy revival of
the London Magazine as a midminonthly. The first number will appear
in August, and will be under the editorship of Mr. Will Williams, of
the Pictorial IWorld, who is once more to prove that where there's a
Will there's a way, as well as a Williams.
Who Nose P
SoME one advertises in a lady's paper, Nose Jewel. Medium sized,
thin, best gold nose ring, strung with one large pearl, worn only
during passage from India to England." We know several people to
whom this article would be useful if it would have the same effect
upon men that it has on pigs-prevent them poking their noses where
they're not wanted.
18 F U N [JULY 10, 1875.
RECOLLECTIONS OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY, NO 4.
113. B reakfast is ready at last, mother. work, 853. Quartre Bras and any number of jambes. (We give all we have been able
1208. ayes-ey weather. Pilot boats running for harbour to see of the picture.)
898. The aeat of war, or t i Aam givin Mr at "asiting."
107. y as appare on te 142. aught820. Ducks and geese.-493. Poor reations.- The oriental Bar.
1. 1. rthieh s j mo delnae and br limited). 03. Crossing the Channel. Medieval Bessemer saloon which doesn't act.
th9. peo F th gestwode c a bl ft when remembered o basins provided. Tableau.
875. 1By the waters of Maida Vale we sat downandwept when we remembered 679. Mr. H-lm--n H-t having run in the Italian organ-grinder, turns his
that ople d cw-a-days." attention to "Native Talent,"
FU N.-JuLy 10, 1875.
THE ADVENT OF PEACE.
This is an Allegorical Representation of Mr. Cross, the Home Secretary, descending on the Battle-field of Capital and
Labour. Like most Allegories, it is almost too good to be true.
JvLY 10, 1876.]
No. I.-THE GENTLEMAN AT 339.
THERnE lives a particular friend of mine
At number three hundred and thirty-nine
(The house with a portico painted brown;
Where one of the knockers is upside down).
Though now he is steady and sage enough,
And awfully prosy and fond of snuff,
I ever remember with pain, in truth,
The rackety days of his reckless youth!
He went and he saw a romantic play
Which treated of Venice's palmy day,
Where every gentleman's crowing vice
Was hazarding palaces, casting dice :
They reckoned it nothing to game away
A couple of dozen estates a-day;
And seldom, if ever, their wives would go
In less than a packet of twelve or so.
He couldn't bethink him of words to praise
Their liberal-possibly reckless-ways;
As oft he remembered, with darkling frown,
Iis maximum hazards of half-a-crown!
He was, as it happened, the chief cashier
To eminent bonders of ginger-beer;
But after admiring that dreadful play
His habits of steadiness went away!
Now neither example nor kind advice
Could stay his inordinate taste for dice.
The first of his ruinous list of faults
Was staking the office and bonded vaults;
And, being unlucky, he lost them all,
As well as the cellars in London Wall.
The eminent bonders were forced to go
And part with a servant who gambled so!
But even dismissal could not allay
The gentleman's terrible thirst for play:
He rattled the dice in their shameless box,
And lost, in a minute, the London Docks.
Now I, who was silly and young I fear,
Unwisely encouraged his wild career;
And, oh, I rememberhisi wild despair
On losing St. Pae's and Trafalgar SkE.ae!
The National Gallery-Primrose Hill-
The Houses of Parliament-Pentonville--
What wonder his glittering eye grew dim
As these were successively lost by him ?
Nor yet was his perilous course restrained
Till Buckingham Palace alone remained!
And then, I am heartily glad to say,
His natural chivalry bade him stay.
" It would," he reflected, be truly mean
To hazard the palace of England's queen!
Victoria, never, I'm sure, shall roam-
While I can prevent it-without a home!"
When news of his chivalry reached their ear
It melted the bonders of ginger-beer:
" In giving so noble a youth the sack
We blundered," they said, and we'll take him back."
The business has flourished since his return,
And now he is head of the whole concern.
And even till now it's a noble fact
That Buckingham Palace remains intact.
And often the bonder is heard declare
Victoria ever is welcome there!
And such is his nature's unselfish bent,
He never will even receive the rent!
A GENTLEMAN at Leamington who was charged with being drunk and
offering to sell his wife for fourpence, denied the drunkenness, but
admitted, without blushes or confusion, his desire to get rid of the lady.
Alas! he even went so far as to say, that as for selling her for four-
pence, he would take less than that for her now." And though there
are many gentlemen in Leamington who have no wives, even this
reduction did not tempt them. Neither did it soften the magisterial
bench, who fined the unhappy husband 2, or in default six weeks'
"with hard." Truly the age of chivalry has departed, and sympathy
is scant indeed for the really suffering. [The Editor considers it
incumbent upon himself to say that the writer of the foregoing has
himself been married now nearly six weeks.]
22THE AUTHO. LY 10RS WO187OING .
i___ __ I/--- T7 K~ -yr /0 / --/THE AUTHOR'S WOOING.
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
Child of superior information :-" Do 'EE KNOW WHERE THE WIND COMES
FROM, GRAN'FEYTHER "
Gran.:-" WELL, I ASPECTT FROM THE COUNTRY, DEAR."
C. of S. I.:-" No, YE'RE WRONG THERE, GRAN! Gran.:--"WELL, DO
You xNow ? C. ofS. I. :-" 'EES, GRAN'FEYTHER, REYTHER ; WHOY TROM THE
WINDMILLS, TO BE SURE "
OH lady fair, say, wilt thou share
My humble lot in life,
And settle down in Camden Town-
A needy author's wife ?
Earth's wealth I lack; a first-floor back
My property contains,
For Fortune spurns the man who earns
His living with his brains.
E'er yes" you say, and name the day,
I think it only right
That you should know (Fate wills it so)
I scribble all the night.
All day I read the books I need
For thus he knowledge gains-
My sweetest pet!-who has to get
His living with his brains.
I smoke and drink, and spill the ink,
And suffer much from bile,
When hard at work I talking shirk,
And very seldom smile.
Though wild my throes when writing prose,
Far worse the poet's pains;
With all his sins, take him who wins
His living with his brains.
Yet, maiden sweet, 'tis scarcely meet
That I should claim your hand;
You need a spouse whose wealth allows
Hot dinners and a grand."
Go, cut me dead; some miner wed
Whose brow rough labour stains,
More gold he takes than he who makes
His living with his brains.
A Scotch Joke.
MACBROWN, after reading a recent "illustrious"
acquiescence in teetotalism as applied to the masses,
says it's wonderful how good Scotch whisky, if taken
properly, makes people feel. It makes even temperance
seem nice when looked at through several glasses.
MR. GLADSTONE'S essay, "Is the Church worth Pre-
serving ?" will be shortly followed by another, "Are
Walnuts worth Pickling ? "
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE Alexandra Palace authorities have had a busy time lately.
Concert has succeeded concert with almost alarming rapidity; but,
though there has been a good deal of speed, nothing like undue haste,
precipitancy, or mismanagement has exhibited itself. In fact, to
residents in Northern London Muswell Hill has become the home of
music as well as the abode of art and museum of miscellanea. We
regret that the clerk of the weather should have once again been
antagonistic to the clerk of the course at the Alexandra Park, the
trotting entertainment of the other day having been reduced to the
level of what sporting reporters call an aquatic carnival. Perhaps,
however, the glorious dispensation of providence was more than
usually manifest in this last pluvial benefaction, as by its means
several members of the trotting fraternity were induced to climb the
heights and enter the building. Softened and subdued, they eventually
returned to their companions with news of the wonders to be found
within; and one of them even went so far as to say that one of these
days he will try it again, and take the missis and kids--when the
weather is wet and there is no trotting, of course.
Sir John and Lady Bennett had a grand gathering the other day at
the Banks, Mountfield, near Battle. A special train took over five
hundred guests from Cannon-street Station in the morning, and
brought back all those who cared about returning to London in the
evening. Processions, luncheon, and speeches occupied the interval
between the arrival and the return, and he would be a hard man
indeed to please who did not enjoy the City hospitality so bountifully
exercised in the country.
On Saturday last the Mohawk Minstrels, who have made themselves
a name beyond the limits of their local habitation, closed a successful
season at the Agricultural Hall, Islington, the final event being a
benefit to Mr. G. A. Thomas, manager of the troop.
Non Habet Legs."
MR. IRVING, delighted with his triumph over the difficulties of
Shakespeare and that gentleman's hitherto unappreciated creation-we
beg pardon, the creation was Mr. Irving's of course-Hamlet, is about
to essay Macbeth. Authorities differ as to the costume he will adopt,
but general opinion is in favour of a crinoline kilt, bright blue peg-
tops, Hessian boots, and spurs. Of course, he would never be such a
Dunsinane as to show those legs to a Southron public. It is not true
that Mr. Terry, of the Strand, is to be leased for the purpose of
laying on as Macduff, and singing a topical song. One creation is
quite enough at a time.
Against the Person.
AN Irish correspondent of a Fleet-street daily states that a man
named Nash was stabbed in Limerick the other night, and a person
named Watson has been arrested for the offence." Cause and effect
are here at once made prominent. In Ireland when a man is stabbed
a person is arrested, and vice versd. Future historians of the Emerald
Isle please note. The only pity is, just now, when so much is being
said in Parliament and elsewhere about the person Bill, that he wasn't
the particular representative selected for immolation on the altar of
Silly to a Degree.
THE editor of a magazine has been created a D.C.L. by the senate
of Durham University, in recognition of his services to literature."
The services were probably those of omission rather than commission,
for we haven't found anything in any English magazine for years that
would entitle its editor to anything but three months' notice.
JULy 10, 1875.]
NEW COURTS OF APPEAL.
THi example furnished by the Khedive in opening an International
Court in Alexandria will, we hear, lead to the speedy establishment of
other Courts nearer home. Among those in contemplation are:-
A Court formed of Her Majesty's Ministers to devise a mode of
action, by which the Tory party may be kept together during the
remainder of the Session (certain signs of a desire to break from the
leash having lately become apparent); also for the manufacture of
sugar-coated' pills and soothing syrup to lull the nation into a belief
that a Conservative Administration is a panacea for all evils.
A Court composed of School Board officials (all warranted Christians)
to mature a plan by which petty tyranny -and officiousness in their
extremist form may be brought to resemble philanthropy and
humane consideration. It is rumoured that a petition is in circulation
that Aldermen Carden and Besley-especially the latter-be debarred
from hearing School Board prosecutions.
;rA Couirt made up of the British matron and "the girls," with a
view to' induce Papa to alter his expressed opinion, that in conse-
qu6nce: of the fresh and fanciful assessment of house property "it
won't be possible to go to the seaside this year."' A branch of the
above Court to promulgate-if the before-named schene be Sugwessful-
-plans for obtaining- new bonnets, sunshades,.and' rthot dox seaside
apparel of which the members believe themselves so muchit'need.
A Court principally formed of members of the Metropolitan awrdo
of Works al. influential "friends thereof to see if ifbe possible to
issue restriction respecting the use of the Thames Embankment by
the general public. A. score of M.P.s and fashionables finding their
resort so limitedd. .hope,, after the success which has attended their
endeavoursto ay down a horse ride (of course at the public expense),
that the privileged classes may ultimately succeed in obtaining a good
slice of &i noble terrace for their own particular and excl usive
Mn. WAtmSeerowMooN's zeal certainly outruns his discretion. In
his anaiet- to correct others he is extremely oblivious of his own
shorteemings: Perhaps the most painful critic as writer can have is the
man with no soul above comma-hunting, no mind above the correct
disposition of points and prepositions. And when Mr. Moon, in hit
Common Errors, attacks the style of the Scriptures on account of its
constructive looseness he has got down to about the lowest depths of
critical degradation. A gentleman who evidently doesn't know why
it was the custom at one time to use the article an before an aspirated
h wherever practicable, should learn before attempting to teach;
and Well, what are we to say about a- writer who gives- the
story of the crier who couldn't cry because his wife was dead, as novel,
grammatically incorrect, and, therefore, fit subject for improvement by
Mr. Washington Moon ? What a lot of wit and sparkle this world
would have lost, to be sure, if every author who has made his mark had
trembled lest his grammar were not exactly as it should be! Certainly
our language has been ennobled by what Mr. Moon and other small-
souled short-sighted critics would call Bad English."
The Result of Training.
"A YOUNG lady," writing to the Times apropos of "Ladies' Com-
partments in trains, objects to them, because in the absence of men
ladies have to open the carriage doors for themselves, and frequently
the operation spoils their gloves. Considering how much the presence of
men' "opens the door" to, the objection is frivolous. Truly it is
time to take up the vexed question of the higher education of women
when a young lady considers her gloves of greater import than her
honour. She should have signed her letter "'A Married Woman;"
then we could have pardoned her anxiety for her kids.
AccoRDimN to well authenticated reports. it would seem that the
British Army is busily engaged in spreading fever at home, and her
Majesty's ships are sailing over the world disseminating measles and
typhoid wherever they go. Fifty thousand deaths in Fiji are credited
to the Dido, and reports come in daily of contagious diseases
among the Home troops. Thoughtless people stigmatize such a state
of affairs as eminently Conservative and disgraceful. Nonsense; what
is the use of an Army and Navy if they don't kill somebody!
Ix a recent police case the plaintiff is described as a retired gentle-
man." This is not the first instance we have met of people who have
given up the gentlemanly business as a bad thing. Only, they have
generally found their way into a police-court under different circum-
stances, or at all events in different positions from that of plaintiff.
THE HERMIT'S SELL.
To a hermit's cell, in a leafy dell,
A youth and a maiden came :
0 hermit dear, we've sought you here-
We've heard of your wondrous fame.
We wish to wed; in the world 'tis said'
That a secret you possess
Which those who hold, with wealth untold
And eternal joys can bless.
0 hermit, the charm bestow, we pray,
That can make life pass like a summer's dfti"
0 youthful pair, you are young arid fair!"'
When they ceased, the hermit cries,
"You've youth and health, which are: bouVAM8S weakli
And love-life's peerless prize.
But the charm I know "-here.he whisp d 1,W
As the magic spell he told-
"Is a happy mind, and that' you'll find
Turns everything to gold.
Let love and contentment light' ydf'l .' ,
And your lives shall pages Llike a sams'e-day.."
-nuSW AN tarn
Loei MA-Ron goes to treland and ret urns, this beihg another elhis
civic visits. He seems to forget that a rolling Stone gathers no aess.
Perhaps be doesn't want any. = Dr. Kenealy makes a Braminagen
speech about giants atnd eagles, Quilps and the questionablest of carrion
crows- are Aie is his line. sitad departd fO the Aretie. regions.
Let~ hope she carries su(eaes is h a easkdfe, BSeverali pafle Been
injured through drinking whiiy is Dublin. Strange that they
should ave- been Scotched by the I riafgh iol bevet ,e = Mr.
Gladsto'f- aks conundrum's about the Chertli of Enigland' preserva-
tion. Preservation of china seems to suit him better. = Saltof the
Marlborough gems for 35,000' guineas. Oh, gemifli tfteei fresh
Q.O.6. Fifteen fresh ex-Q.C.s for wearing silk. -= Zakfbsrbarians
visit Woolwich Arsenal. Sdem to think civilization a failure if it
required all those guns to keep only a little bit of it going. =
Americans victorious in the great" international" shooting match at
Dublin. "Another of the wrongs of Ireland." = Mr. Irving winds
up Hamlet with a comic speech in character. Some critics seem to
think it a sacrilege that Shakespeare should claim any share in the
Lyceum triumph. = Telegraph states that at Sheffield, Roberts, the
billiard champion, made a break of 572, including 386 spot strokes."
This may suit Peterborough-court but it is rather bad on billiards. =
Queen expresses her royal delight in teetotalism. Of course, at a
distance. At the distance which separates Buckingham Palace from
Balmoral Castle. = Duke' and Duchess of Edinburgh embark at
Woolwich for the Continent. People's caterer bids them an affec-
tionate farewell, and bids them remember that the season is now on,
and that Holland is always handy. = Select committee on language
and construction of Acts of Parliament makes its report. Proposes
that an Act-drop shall be erected in the House of Commons, so that
members may know something about where one Act ends and another
begins. Special patent drop to be erected for Kenealy-a dewdrop.
= Irishmen try to blow up a statue of Prince Consort in Dublin.
Irish notion that he would be hurt by such conduct. = Grand battle
between Oxford and Cambridge Elevens at Lord's. Despite the rain
dark blue was the most lasting colour. The riddle was solved by
Ridley, though he was very near giving it up." = Mr. Bridge think
it hard to walk ten miles on an empty stomach. It would be rough
on" the stomach, certainly.
Evidence for the Defence.
A cumIous case came before the bench of magistrates at Warrington
the other day-if we are to believe the local Guardian. A man was
charged with cruellyill-treating a horse by working itwhilst in an unfit
condition." A very proper charge too, and one we should like to see
oftener brought, as unfortunately the absence of. prosecutions for
cruelty to animals does not mean the absence of cruelty. But in this
particular instance we are at a loss to understand why the officer in
giving his evidence should have stated that the defendant" had two
large sores on his back. Is this a policeman's notion of corroboratite
evidence ? If so, we trust it will not become popular in London, for
though at Warrington the possession of scars by a defendant" suc-
ceeded in getting him convicted, it might here lead to results of a most
disastrous description, which even the well-known activity and un-
doubted intelligence of "the force," coupled though it As witlEthe
marvellous "worthiness" of the imagistracy, would be powerle. to
T&AxmN& BEVERAGE.-Railway Porter.
SFUN. (JULY 10, 1875.
ev. .Preechlong (fond of promenading between the Acts, always mistakes his box, and when he disturbs for the third time in [the evening the
" tdte-d idlte" of a young couple, thinks proper to apologise) :-" I REALLY BEG PARDON, BUT I CANNOT FIND MY pew!"
A CANDIDATE FOR BURIAL.
IN one of his recent speeches Dr. Kenealy is reported to have used
the following language:-" Lazarus was thought to be dead, but e dead, but when
the Master came and looked upon him He saw that he only slept; and
the people of England are thought by their-rulers to be dead; but I
know they have only been in a temporary slumber, and as Christ
called forth Lazarus from the tomb so I call forth you to follow me."
We feel that an apology is due to the reader for quoting this
outrageous language, even for the purpose of censuring the blasphemer
who employed it. So long as Dr. Kenealy likens himself to lions,
rolling torrents, etc., he disgusts, certainly, but he also amuses; and
it is easy to forgive his enormous conceit, when it is condoned by the
nonsense which renders it ludicrous. But when he makes comparisons
between himself and our Saviour he is contemptible without being
ridiculous. Dr. Kenealy has now been for so long a time morally
dead, and has at last become so intolerably offensive, that the words
erroneously used concerning Lazarus may with singular aptness be
applied to himself: "By this time he stinketh."
An Empty Name.
A NAME has been invented by Our Unremanded Etymologer for the
crime of lunching at the railway buffets. It is to be called com-
Kites and Pigeons.
A DACCA paper (not a baccaa paper) informs us that two wealthy
men in India have been spending no end of money in flying kites for
wagers, and that the result of the match is to be celebrated by a grand
dinner. Our contemporary is wrong if he fancies this custom is new
to England. In the City, kite-flying is very prevalent. But this
difference exists between the practice in the two countries. The kite-
flyer in India gives, the kite-flyer in England takes-and takes a lot
too. The paper bird is quite as voracious as his feathered brother,
and a great deal more destructive.
THE .D. T. in the course of a few feeling remarks concerning a late
deliriously drunken cabman, who had been committed for trial without
bail, states that he "had died in the House of Detention, and had been
subject to fits." We are not told whether the former subjected cabby
to the latter, or how, or what; but perhaps sudden grief at the loss of
a kindred spirit and congenial companion may be considered sufficient
excuse for the omission.
Now Ready, the Twenty-eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The TWENTY-FIRST VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. Sd.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d.each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. etch.
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Printed by JUDDD & CO., Phamnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, July 10, 1875.
JOLY 17, 1875.]
THE noticing traveller's eye may mark,
In scanning the Terrace in Richmond Park,
A panel embellished with lines which sing
Poetical Thomson's praise;
And now-as the dinner-time, sad to say,
Lies dim in the future, an hour away-
That very identical sign-board thing
Has happened to meet my gaze.
The Star and the Garter have turned me sour
By telling me dinner will take an hour;
And rage and despair to my senses give
A tinge that is far from bland:
While waiting for dinner, I hate the ground,
A spirit of poetry breathes around-
Why poets are ever allowed to live
I never could understand!
Of Thomson I think, and recall with rage
His natural-history-breathing page
And, hungrily prosy, I knit my brow
With ever-increasing force
I've been and I've dined at the Star and G.,
I've drunk and I've eaten enough for three-
And somehow I ponder on Thomson now
With placidly-keen remorse!
I've drunk to thy memory, Nature's bard,
In every vintage that's on the card;
Permit me to mention I truly grieve
I ever have run thee down!
And somehow or other a sense profound
Of effortless poetry hems me round:
Till I as a poet, I do believe,
Might win an immense renown.
What spirit so utterly base but feels
A little poetical after meals ?
Just add to the Seasons of Thomson's choice
The season of whitebait's prime;
And he who can dine at the Star and G.,
And sit on the Terrace, by Thomson's tree,
Unbending and prosy, would lend his voice
To any amount of crime!
DAMNUM ABSOUE INJURIA.-Losing a cold.
OUR PATENTEES' COLUMN.
ALL preliminary arrangements having been completed, we have
much pleasure in submitting to our readers the following tery admir-
able inventions, which we insert for the benefit of the British
capitalist at a charge of seven shillings each. The initials only of inven-
tors are given; but their full names and addresses can be obtained at
our office on payment of 2s. 6d. as an inquiry fee. Companies Formed
to Work Patents; Old Schemes Dressed up as New; Puffs Neatly
Executed; Modern Journalism in all its Branches.
INVENTIONS ON HAND.
An invention for bespattering your former benefactors with filth at
a profit of 2,000 a year.-DR. K.
An invention for hindering public business, and turning the House
of Commons into a schoolboys' playground.-MR. W.
An invention for turning six old men and a boy into a standing
army.-DuxE OF C.
An invention for frightening respectable publishers, and stamping
.out the literature of England.-CHARLES C.
An invention for making a monotonous drawl and an ungainly
crawl the elements of tragic art.-HIENY I.
An invention for getting a princely income out of doubtful schemes.-
An invention for distilling silly jokes and gross personalities from
cold water.-Sin W. L.
An invention for getting troublesome opponents into prison.-
An invention for keeping yourself and the deeds of your youth per-
petually before the public.-ADMInAL R.
An invention for writing three columns of special correspondence
about nothing at all,-G. A, S,
An invention for bringing a smile to every face for the small sum of
-one penny,-ED, or F,
"TELLE EST LA VIE."
Old Woman :-" PLEASE, SIR, GIVE ME A PENNY TO BUY BREAD; I'M
Philanthropist :-" DON'T STOP ME, MY GOOD WOMAN; I'VE NOTHING TO
GIVE. BESIDES, I'M IN A HURRY. I'VE GOT TO SPEAK AT THE SOCIETY Fro
THE RELIEF OF THE DESTITUTE."
I wrLL not mention when or where,
Or which, or what, or how;
Or say if it was here or there,
Or whether then or now.
Or even say if anyone
Could tell me, if he knew,
Of anything that had been done,
And if the tale were true.
I onlyknow-and this I state
Because I heard it said-
That the Express was very late,
And they had got no bed.
The air with fog was thick as wool
When this event befell,
The night was dark, the moon was full-
I mean the Moon" Hotel.
I heard her voice in:No. 3 -
I listen'd at the wall-
I heard her say, A cup of tea,
And plate of that was all!
But whether it was ham or beef,
Or bread and butter plain,
I ne'er shall know! and-to be brief
'Tis this has turned my brain ?
WHY OUGHT THE MEMBERS OF TATTERSALL'
FLAT-PISH GOATIS ?-Because it is our duty
S TQ BB SUPPLIED WITH
to give place to-our
----- ----- ----4,?
26 F UJL. 17, 1875.
.FiN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 14, 1875.
WILA you take us to the seaside, where we'll revel in the brine
And the bathing, and the .oiher things of ocean ?
Or will ycu r.r.: fr t.:. i.t y:.iar wife and darling children piie ?-
I'pn afraid ltr l. Ittr' n b your artful notion.
If you'll s-. nd u. t.he use.oa -t we your name will ever bless-~
It's a sh rua- -e sbh.:.uld .*:. ..liom have an outing;
'We shall c.i.y uwant a littk in the way of extra dress,
And oh, pra v don't keep u. waiting,.wishing, doubting."
Oh, I v.-ish you wo.rulin't bother! says the father with k sigh;
"' Gi.. me mc.ny, m':.ney, money!' is your everlasting cry."
Will you take us down to ?3mTL: te, where we'll stioli upion tife
Or do yoU .like noisy Margate with #t jetty ? ,. .
Now don't foown and look so angry, there's a darling arid a dea--
Think of Bqb and Tom, and Polly thete, and Hetty.
Can't you se the little angels are all dying for a (h.ir.gr ?
For myself I wouldn't speak a wordyou know, love.
You need only fild the money, all the business I',.' .nrmge;
Just you draw the cheque, and then away I'll g.:., love "
I suppose that I must do it! says the father witJi groa n
"Here's the honey. Bless the darlings-givb 'em plkoty of
THosE good Conservatives who think that the condition of the
humbler English agriculturalist .is everything it should be may feel
rather astonished at the story of Samuel Daws.:.o. S.-,rauel, we are
told, is a labourer of fifty-seven, who earns on :,n aa gop less than
twelve shillings a week, and out of that sustains a siok!- wifr and ah
invalid daughter. Bat this was not considered (nc.ugl for him to do
on his money, so last August he was summoned beti, :re, th Bedford
county magistrates, and ordered to pay a shilling a w. -ek towards th'.
support of his aged and infirm parents. The iniqit.u:.- offender beirnl
unable or unwilling to pay this sum-he has the hardihocd to star,
that every spare farthing goein snisunport of his sick wife and ailing
daughter-he was .summoned to' appear r again before the justices, and
on the 4th of last month was ordered to pay 36s. and 8s. costs. The
ability of the man to support his parents may be j fdged when we
state that his goods were insufficient to meet the demands of distraint,
and this being adjudged further proof of obstinacy, he was arrested
under a warrant issued by Lord St. John, one of the justices, and sent
to prison for two months, without bail or mainprize." Filial love
and respect are of course great things; but the most enthusiastic with
regard to them must admit that this poor fellow's duty was to those in
his own cottage, much as he may have wished to assist his aged and
infirm parents. It is not so much, though, with regard to him that we
would speak. We would prefer to point out the truly great and
glorious manner in which the rich and powerful-who never had to
earn a penny in their lives, and who would have failed signally if they
had ever tried-insist upon the poverty-stricken and plebeian doing
that which is right. It is a fine thing that our landowners should so
well understand the duties imposed on them by Providence; and
perhaps as we are told by the Conservatives that Providence arranges
all these affairs for our benefit, this imprisonment serves Samuel right.
Who shall say ? But who is to be punished for the neglect which
must be the lot of prisoner's wife and daughter, as well as his father
and mother, during his enforced absence at hard labour ? Samuel
again we trust: certainly not great lords hind important J.P.'s.
THE correspondent of a Colombo paper writes': -"There has been a
plague of rats in several districts of Ceylon. The planters have
resorted to the ingenious device of making coolies parade the estates at
night with tom-toms, the noise of which frightens the animals away."
Over here we find tom-t6ms useful for the same purpose, but their
efficacy is due to the paws arid the shake rather than to the beat.
THE Lord Mayor invites subscriptions for the Garonne depart-
ment" of France. Is the Lord Mayor a Conservative head of the
Civil Service, that he should create departments, or has the Inventors'
Column of the Telegraph fired him with a lofty ambition ?
A Christy (and Manson) Minstrel.
MR. GLADSTONE is reported by a contemporary to have written a
humorous poem in the Aaorning Advertiser concerning his recent sale
of china. The statement is one to be taken cum grano sale-is.
AMONG "THE" PROFESSION.
BY A STAXE-STRCK SIMPLrETON.
I HAVE always been an admirer of the stage-that is, of the ladies
and gentlemen who have the pleasure and the profit of being connected
with it; and I have no doubt that a good many people can
appreciate my enthusiasm. It's all very well for some folks to turn
up their noses and pretend to slight playactors, but I have arrived at
the conclusion that such pretence is all envy and malice, and a desire
to disguise their real feelings, just like those critics who are not
allowed to go to the Lyceum without paying make out that they don't
care to see the great Mr. Irving. I heard one of them not long ago,
when he wasn't admitted, sneer at the thinness of the celebrated
tragedian's legs, and I knew at the time that the sneerer was envious
of the other's thickness of brain-or was it head ? I don't think that's
exactly what I meant to say, but I'm not much used to literary com-
position, and besides, I'm rather dazzled by the splendour of what I saw
at the Alexandra Palace during the Royal Dramatic College Fete. So
I'll only talk about myself, because, as my wife says, that's about all I
understand. Mind, I'm not sure she's right, but then I think it's
always best to let a lady have her own way. Especially as mine will
have hers, whether I'll let her or no.
It has always been my ambition to see actors and actresses in their
private clothes, and judge whether they really are like human beings.
My wife says the best of 'em are very poor creatures when divested of
their silk and spangles; and when we went to see the T'cket-of-Leave
Alan the other night she said she was sure Mr. Neville and Mr. Anson
must be quite a common low lot, or they'd never have known so much
about the prisons and the pothouses. I think she must have been
right, too, for they were awfully natural, and as a gentleman in the
Pit who sat near me said, Blest if he ever seed anything like it since
he was on the cross hisself." I don't quite know what he meant, but
ie seemed much excited, and after a drink or two to each scene wept
bitterly, and felt again a child.
You'll perhaps easily understand that when I heard there was to be
a grand show of actors and actresses at the Alexandra Palace I made
up my mind to go, especially as Bill Smith, who cleans the windows
and sweeps the stage at one of the leading theatres, had tickets, and
knew all the celebrities by sight, to say nothing of a nodding acquaint-
ancewith some who haven't yet made their top mark in "the" profession.
I notice that actors always speak of the stage as the" profession,
especially when, through the hard-heartedness of managers and agents,
their knowledge of its practice is limited. But I shall never get on to
that fete if I don't look sharp.
I dressed myself in regular tiptop style, with a beautiful green tie,
and a curly-brimmed low-crowned silk hat you wouldn't have told
from new, yellow kid gloves, shepherd's plaid trousers of a large
pattern, a velvet coat and waistcoat which I had picked up cheap in
Drury-lane, and a nice pair of patents with yellow cloth tops I got in
Dudley-street last summer and had saved carefully since; with a flower
in my button-hole, a cane, and a twopenny smoke. I fancied I was
quite the swell, although some fellows did call me a little cad, and my
wife said that it was no good of a man under five feet trying to look
like a full-grown tragedian. But she, always does try to spoil my
enjoyment. We got into a carriage at King's-cross with a lot of real
actresses. Bill Smith said he didn't know them; but I could tell by
the paint on their faces, and their beautiful yellow hair, green satin
dresses, and pink gloves that they were'members of the profession.
And I thought to myself, I hope they will believe I'm also in the
line." For this purpose I said to Bill Smith, When do you open in
the provinces F" But Bill, who always was -a mean-spirited fool, said,
Not while I can get eighteen bob a-week in London, so don't be an
idiot. People won't believe you're Salvini." At which all the women
laughed, and though I looked daggers at Smith he didn't care. Those
big chaps are so thick-headed.
I soon recovered my temper when we arrived 'at the Palace and saw
all the great lights of the dramatic world marching about, and looking
as affable as if they were ordinary common people. There they were,
walking up and down and round about, and going in the shows, and
coming out again, just as if they didn't know they were the favourites
of royalty and the aristocracy; and one of them in particular, that ;I
know the Princeo of Wales has often sent for to his private box, leant
against a pillar opposite- Richardson's show, and tried to look as if he
was nobody. Who can tell what was passing in that 'man's gigantic
brain as he watched the surging crowd pass by reckless of the fact that
he, the friend of princes and the favourite of potentates-the only, the
inimitable, the never-to-be-forgotten-stoodby unnoticed while a gaping
crowd laughed at the antics of outsiders. But such is life, and so runs
the world away; and it may somewhat console that gallant gentleman
and great actor to know that I looked up in his lambent eyes, and
sympathised with him in his solitude.
Oh, how I felt that if I had only been a wealthy man-if I had had
the wealth of Peru and Golconda in my pockets, or even the riches of
the Bank of Elegance-how I would have strewn gold and precious
stones alongthe path of England's histrionic worthies! But I could
only stand by abashed, and even the glories .of the Temple of Thespis
and-the concert-Toomiwerelost.to me letause i iAt the .i xtr diLmwuon
I regret to say that BQll Smitth did not -;cm nOralVy unmprUsOud as i
expeetedthaewould be, and hbe "rfn wenet so. far ai .to ey tR st he'd a
jolly oight I either have had a gamo 'it kittiess, :.r ma4o one o f fou, at
,:.iat':.lle, thin bhvc taken all that trouble to vii.flU xai dra I'al.,,
anrd then -'- nothing. N.:.thirn! ind Smith i a mn Co.nsictodl ,ith
he.itres, yet ignorant, of tbt m.timaablo alu :.f the ble sing which
his position should be to him. He doesont'think.hw,oftenI have
hung about the stage-door panting t.:. : bt lut ...g.izrmipse tf the per-
formers whom he has the honour to ,: r -. v.
BUit the best of days must come to. an end, aqd a s the shadows .:-.
evening began to fall, all those actors -bho had angigemvnts began to
make their way towards London. As it wwaid Dtot.JQ for the other to
make-themselves too cheap-for.oneof these day.they, ag,Jnmay. be
creators-they went as well, and when the place was9 ,op Jltyhinned
Bill Smith, who has no soul for the poetic, met a,, friend. f hia, a
waiter_.u-werhpd agpod .tur- .atthe remains 4of a4li lqar pronuded
for the "Pro's." Judging by what a wreck -w.&-a lpLthjiIsjem to
have had good appetites, but so had we. As wee.w ,cqa1gL away,
very well filled and grateful, I heard a noise as of Wpij"gga4 turning
round saw. two- men sobbing. bitterly in the empimas wbIh now..
reigned supreme near the large organ. Who wer4etBy?.? Aad the.
answer, which came like inspiration, was -.
They were dramatic authors who had not reqeLyed a zwordof worship,
during the day, and were disgusted with the6whole arrangement.
And I think it was like their cheek. to ask' for ad nation whul, the
great, and the gpodL. adavthe only, andj the inimitable of "'the," pro-.
fession'.were about. And in this Bil.&Smith for once agrees..
M" LOWLY: LhAY.
WasN I roamedaj oungagM erbeyy,;thpough the back street
I pontluwruiSJigg Ns foi1ap iomy bt g
BTo rE~wi iidaav eloaretheref liftaniy feet,
Siwwsd~ip peperi-almorsel'oZtIt ,
Itrtp ua g 'udplibed and gd&iyaine, d
mBreaays pab veb ye all tl ate d crew,
"Ws .Iiopendi$tsppaEket and fte it cnntaied
Alioa4oitha~srbbiw-onee.ttsasured by youl
YouwtAteeamed.'not perebance of '.th. luminous flaeme
Which Cupid can plAaeijAtpjieart of a chibWd
In lighting the faggots, =16 were to blanwa
For you nodded and wi j ki a
Then your image for aye oa-na
And. sleeping or waking your fonrm;eBiu4* :
L carefully.kept -'neathi my, ragged old:'veat,
.piece of blue ribbon-4- prized it for you.
Ah, well I remember the day when the law
Laid its hand on my shoulder and led me along;.
I faltered, I trembled not, love, for I saw
Your smile as you.followedmy heela.with.the.-throng.
Sixamonths were unable my ardour to chill,,
For swiftly the days of captivityflew,;
I thought of the future while treading the mill,
And--issed. the-blue ribbon that-whispered-ozo-yu.
W6 met and we courttd, theiyeaowspediawayr,
Irsved, and I purchased'a donkey ambcart;
We were:wed'f6r aopennymaoe Midsnunmeredayj.
Ahd you've reigned? ever sincein myhome and my heart
When the neighbbur are'nasty'and'custemers,,owi,
When the bairoaw's -in ppawnandrthu rent comings duea,;
There's a cotton-gowned'ang.elwho'easesnmy. woe,.
And I'bess-the blue .ribbonA tat ledmetis .you,
A REnTER's telegramsays the. Emperor of Germany has conferred
upon the Superintendent of the Chatham Dockyard "the order of the
Red Eagle of the second clabs." We werewabout to ask, What is a red
eagle of the second class-? but,,as. Scott has remarked, the riddles
allred-dyred." We wash our hbnds of it,
A Fool and His; Money.
AN American in Paris is said to have- purchased for 500 the basin
in which Pontius Pilate washed his hands. It-is evident the pur-
chaser did not need it for his own use; such a man would find no
difficulty in getting his fortnue 'off'hiswlaadsiwithout it.
SusPiieous FACT.-" The heart, that feels for: others' woes" Has
never been known to feel in its pocket.
"KABtTUA '1 FOE: TRE S4,,TAlIUM,
A >EPLu'.i.'N.N of iafl4ettioal mel;cdl men, hebidd by the donkey,"
Earl, hae had a pleant interviews with BIr. Crass, lad mildly pet it
to hum -whbthoe it would not be well that they shouJld have tle pow'gr
of lacking up everybolyTwi .get .drunkin.a'lunatic asyAium. Mr.
Cross smiled blandly,, robbed his. hands,;and g6od-humouredly told
the famous Paget and the mighty Thomp,'n ttat' hu'd. see about it,
No doubt with the usual arJoT r of .: rotahty ,ycala. reformex. (he
leaders of the dipsormania. movement have already ?el .dd dth ite aq'1
ordered the bricks for th6hr new toy "' the SanitgliAm. Anx.i"ua to aq
it speedily filled, we.,beg tq. propose the 4.aowgg a. ,c.zaddates q
The man who habitually eatsa until he c4ht% 4y,wjk away from
the dinner table, and raves about habitual, di ir .
The peer who habitually presides at. .ht ya, a on 4 r
meeting', :cs.epts_.a thing, from a co:ffiocp'(, eq. qu.,mb.r, and WM
never know to gLve a penny awfiy in hi li'e.
The physician who habitually ar his crotchety in ':heap imagag
and thinks more, o" destroying the dead than oui..ng the lyin.
The man who habituAlly votes for a Co fr-grv. e c Id'dwat fon'Pa
The man. who habitually. puts every quotation hfhp ,g ddny tq
Shakespear. ... ..
His tripad who habitually takes his fqmjly to 't*. thf.t_ _t,0w9g
The Sohool for Scandql, Moiey, or ThAl,, pcAhback.ii being. ppw
bpcauseShakesperean.revivals ought tot,blencouragpd.
The map who habitually drinks Jpindo'.coffee, adlives.
The man: whq, habitually pays cahmen double .fr .fear th
should think him m.an. m... d a.. -,I
The.mau who habitully spepjalt.u.-perhoigyn M.i~
The man who- ,l 4tly, ontiderq Brqwaing,,ogqure. a Tpg
The manp iW habitoallydoclares hat England igoping ,athulpgg
and tht .what we wapt is War, s r- war." '
The mana who habitually bringsbhiswet umbrella inti4yourda'gnu
room, asdlq, it drain on' the Larpet..
The man who habit al.y losenionpwy on the.Stock Exchange, "just
.fr. a little pastime, 'ou.kwq.'"
T I'h.man who habhtuatly aw4fre from t.:o much to do.
The; manr-,w h4bijtuly. cats panagraph i out of .Fus for the pro-
vin. :i Ipess, ands atij. ttb .name oi a threepenny contemporary at
T1iRnanw .habitually could say, a good dqal if he chose to speak.
j 'o n Wwho habitually -has head, sgepth4dg very.like all your
original jokes before. "
The man who habitually isn't expect .t last-the .month out, and
who habitually refuses to die or get better.
THEa laziest man in- London, who is also one of the politest, has
invented anautmatic hat., the peculiarity of which is that between
the crown.. of it and a pad which rests uon the top of the head is a
long spiral' spring, cettrbolld- by a silkeh cord passing downward
behind the wearer's ear, and hanging at his thigh. On meeting a la'dy
.of.his-acquaintancelhe-hasaonly to give the ..cord a-gentle twitch,.which
releases the spring, and the hat -'is gracefully lifted. The wind
immediately blows it into tlietstreet, wihereit.is promptly run over by
a cab, and the, owner,, without any kindof preparation, is.ready for
another hat. It.haunot.been thought necessary toapply for patent,
the, inventor, being, in easy circumstancess, trough the death of a.
rel 4ive, the late Msr. L. L4 wrenae.
A Painful Fact.
TiaxRussan Forld states that the Iinister of Public Instruction in-
tends to make the English language a, subject,of compulsory study in the
gy nasiums for young ladies. If the gentleman would do the same,
service for, our pu blc. schools we aIopld' be. obliged to him. In a *6w
years the.people who know. the least about the English language will
be the English. l'
A Bin, has: been' introduced& into' Parliament to provide 'for the
filling up of' casual vacancies in the School Board. Far-bettei- provide
for: the filling, up ot the vacancies in. the: casuals themselves-Ztheir
stomachs. Bt: these are; perhaps, too-often-em~ity places to: come,
under the heading. ____'_ ""
A Lease for. Life,.
Dtrom, the man. who attemptbd'to assassinate Ptince' Bismarck, has-
been' released: Who's leased hnu this time' P
JULY 17,' 1876.]
SWAN-LIKE AND GRACEFUL.
Jfr. Cluppin:-" Au, JEMxMA AiMI, I TEnm 1 MUST BE THAT THERE AL Ar i~ SwsAw As rs MsxaMe 7x T I"
Jemima Amnn:--"I 'AVE sEERM r MA E TO LEA, MES. CLVPPNr!" Mrs. :-" WHE, LAuSF" J. A..:-"LAST mIGHT,
AGAIN' OLD JIM'S BARK DOOR!"
DOTS AND LINES.
MR. ComInssIoNER KERR decides that haircutters are not responsible
for their customers' hats and umbrellas. rellas. Moral: always get your hair cut
with your hat on and your umbrella up. Mr. Hammersmith Bridge
delivers a diatribe against pugilism. When one man wishes to hurt
another very badly he should go before a magistrate and swear some-
thing. And a very good notion, too. = Debate in the House on the
advancement of Russia.. As usual, nothing like leather. = Gentlemen
beat the Players at cricket. Therefore, Gentlemen must be the Players,
after all. = Arrangement of the Prince of Wales's expenses. Derange-
ment of those who oppose the expenditure as needless. New version
for them of'*proverb, Put not your "trust" in princes. = Telegraph
refers to melancholy cases of drowning." They're not generally
expected to be like cases of champagne, are they ? Gentle member
of the Blackburn police runs a muck among the inhabitants.
Eventually he comes a mucker," and is fined 5. = Congregation in
London send message of confidence and love to Ward Beecher by cable.
Trades unionism will exhibit itself even in such cases as that of the
" Brooklyn scandal." = Duel between French journalists. One has a
little of his ink spilled. = Excited gathering of Erie Bondholders.
Vote of thanks. Does not a meeting like this make amends ?" =
Carlists claim several fresh victories. So do Alphonsists. Perhaps
Spanish victories are like Spanish castles, or Spanish licorice. = Ban-
quet to the Astronomer Royal. Nice, light, and Airy speeches. Sic
itur ad astra. = Generous subscriptions for the sufferers by Garonne
inundations. The nation of shopkeepers is always a very handy
neighbour on these occasions. Shef-ld Telegraph contains account
of locust found in the town of blades. Great alarm,-which abates on
the discovery that it is only low cuss that is meant. Result of editors
accepting verbal reports. = Arrival of the Cesarewitch in Vienna.
This is a "long cry" from Newmarket, the headquarters and home of
such illustrious turf institutions. Admiral Rous will have to fetch
him back-in the Rainbow-before next October. Sultan of Zanzibar
visits Liverpool. It is not true that a couple of prize kicking matches
and a brutal murder or two were specially arranged in his honour.
They took place as a matter of course.
The Wicket World.
Mn. KNATCHBtrL-HUGESSEx has not written to the authorities
objecting to the Eton and Harrow Cricket Match last week. How
is this? Surely it was a semi-dramatic performance of a "stump"
character, calculated to disturb the aristocratic calm of youthful minds.
Kettle long with you.
A Mn. KaTTLE has intimated, to whom it may concern, that he can
no longer act as arbitrator in trade disputes on account of the pressure
of more important duties. A fellow-feeling should prevent a kettle
turning up his spout at the pot affairs.
28 F U N [JuLY 17, 1875.
FTUN. JULY 17, 1875.
General Materfamilias heads the Domestic Army Corps, and, supported by the Infantry, compels Pater to capitulate,
and take them all to the Seaside.
JuoY 17, 1876.]
'TIs nice to rise in healthful glee,
When Nature, from her couch upspringing,
Casts off her sable robe de nuit-
And all the little birds are singing.
One feels a sort of pure delight,
When out at sunrise exercising;-
One also gets an appetite
By going in for early rising !
The care-fraught mind it ever cheers
To see the verdant meadows glowing
With dewy drops-like fairies' tears-
(That simile I fancy's knowing.")
Note what the ancient saw affirms :
The bird, with industry surprising,
Goes out and catches little worms,
And does it all through early rising!
That man's a fool who lies abed,
And shuns all that is spread before him;
He rises with an aching head,
And finds his duties sadly bore him.
All opulent and famous men,
The thoughts of laziness despising,
Got up at daybreak, not at ten,-
And they did well by early rising!
Most probably you'll roll in wealth.,
If you consider well my warning-
And certainly improve your health,
By turning out at break of morning.
Pray heed me, for, as you may guess,
I always was a good adviser-
But somehow, I must needs confess
I'm not at all an early riser!
A Brick from our Hodman.
A CLEVEt1 novelist is often the architect
of his owA fortune. He builds it a story at
A DANGEROUS WEAPON.
Papa, whose slumber has been disturbed by Johnny, who wants gunpowder for an old Highland
pistol, has told the hopeful to ask his Ma for some flour.
Johnny :-" MA SAYS IT'S ALL TOUR NONSENSE, PA."
Papa :-" OH, I SEE, I'VE MADE A MISTAKE; IT'S A SCOTCH PISTOL-ASK BER TO GIVX
nOU !SOME OATMEAL."
WKB9 MAGAZINES FOR JFUY.
EN6OIH people who know Mark Twain better than any other
American writer will miss him from the Atlantic Monthly; but they
will be hard indeed to satisfy if, after reading, they would wish for any
change in ie table of contents. "Passing the Cataract of the Nile "
shows Mr. buftley Warner'statyle:at its best, and the verse of T. B.
Aldrich anr iRussell Lowell is really first-class. In Scribner's, the rival
American ei'ial, illustrations offer the chief attraction, those about
San Francisco being, Itogether -with the descriptive matter accom-
panying, edpeiislly worthy of praise. 'While deprecating any attempt
to teach the editor of Scribner's his business, we can only regret the
somewhat sudden cessation of Jules Verne's Mysterious Island."
Anyhow, we don't believe what a malicious and disappointed reader
stated, that -the only French-speaking man on the staff had been
bought up at a premium by some one else, and that the wonderful ad-
venturers and those interested in them must wait for the present.
In both these transatlantic miscellanies the literary and art notices are
London Society opens with a new 'serial by the authors of "Ready-
money Mortiboy," which seems intended to convey a moral lesson as to
the advantages of water over fire, and the dangers of a neglect of
arithmetic. The ever-productive editor also comes out with the
opening chapters of a new novel, and as Mrs. Riddell's story is still
running, readers are likely to get somewhat "mixed." Tinsley's has
a long list of fairly good things, but is too much inclined to serial
contributions and flabby, ill-digested verse. "The Last Sixpence"
is a pretty, pathetic story.
Castle Daly" is concluded in facemillan, which is somewhat
lighter and brighter than usual. A letter called forth by the recent
article on Eton Thirty Years Ago and some comments by would-
be knowing people thereon, is amusing, though somewhat puzzling ;
and a little poem by the -Hon. Mrs. 'Norton recalls the days when
sweet fancies seem to have been better expressed in magazine verse
than they are now. Seasonable articles on Zanzibar and India help
to complete the number.
Leah" progresses in f'emple Bar, and continues to astonish those
who know something of women of fashion" out of novels. The
amount of ability shown in the rest of the articles is by no means
paralysing, Napoleon and the Peninsular War being perhaps the
best thing of the lot. In the Argosy the two serials, A Secret of the
Sea and Parkwater," are continued, and though there is no Johnny
Ludlow, the shorter contributions are well worth reading.
The Gentleman's:contains the first instalment of a new story by Mr.
Francillon, which promises well, and altogether this month's issue
seems healthy and improving. The St. James's has also a good con-
tents list; and certainly not the weakest part of it is the Editor's
" Olla Podrida," the opinions given in .which are entitled to respect
even from those of opposite convictions.
The Sunday at Home and the Leisure Hour are, as usual, good and
sound. So are Golden Hours, and its little companion Sunshine.
Le Follet contains the usual novelties in fashion, and something
besides for those whose literary tastes are of the lightest.
We have also to acknowledge two more parts of the admirable
series of etchings published by the Soci6t6 des Aqua-Fortistes, Brussels.
Connoisseurs and critics should send for specimens of this really
Received :-Holiday number of London Society, London and Brighton
and Charing Cross Magazines, Once-a- Week, Hardwicke's Science Gossip,
Photographic News, Printing News, Pictorial World, Penny Illustrated,
Journal of Horticulture, Gardener's Magazine, &c., &c.
"Fit for Table."
Oua dear old rose-coloured contemporary, the Globe, commenting
upon the Prince of Wales's projected visit to India, says that "orders
have been given for a dining-room table capable of seating sixty persons,
to be fitted on board the Serapis." Now the Prince of Wales may sit
upon his dining-room table at Marlborough House, but we question if
he will manage in such a free and easy style abroad, or allow his guests
to do so either. Who the sixty persons are who are to be fitted with
dining tables on board the Serapis we cannot imagine, unless they be
natives of India, who wear household furniture in the place of-
Lords and Commons.
NowHERE is the respect for our Constitutional form of Government
so thoroughly evinced as among cricketers. Our gilded youth play at
Lords, and the residuum on Commons.
32 FUN A. [JuE N17, 1875.
SOME CASES OF EXCEPTIONAL POLITENESS.
The art of acquiescence. "Yes, very fine day indeed, air! "Don't mention it, I beg I"
" No offence-accidents will happen! I'm afraid you find it hot work!"
AN INDIA-RUBBER HEART.
I AM so glad it is ended, dear,
So glad our mutual game is done;
'Twas hardly fair as to stakes, I fear,
You played to win, and of course you won.
You risked but little upon the game,
I much; and accept, perforce, my fate;
So, love, you are welcome just the same,
I'm past the crisis of calling shame,"
I'm thankful, and can wait.
'Tis gone, my love, as a faded dream;
And yet you certainly must admit
That times there were when you used to seem
To love me-well, say a tiny bit.
I hoped to win when we both were near,
But lost again, when obliged to part:
No, no, your heart isn't stone, 'tis clear-
Aught graved on that would remain, my dear-
'Tis a softer sort of heart.
To rave and quarrel I ought no doubt,
My form is certainly all effaced ;
Perhaps your heart has resolved it out,
Perhaps another supplantings traced.
I simply lose, yet I shall not fret;
And come, we'll never in anger part:
Good-bye-come, say it, my dear, and yet
Pray don't imagine that I regret
Your India-rubber Heart !
THE members of some outlandish religious sect in India recently
marched down to the seashore, singing a hymn intended to propitiate
the Neptune of their mythology. The incident adds new point to the
line in one of our own hymns, about India's choral strand."
A Mystery Explained.
ADMIRAL ROUs has not written to the !Times concerning the late
floods in France. Doubts as to the advisability of mentioning the
Rainbow, under the circumstances, probably waterlogged his gallant
A CONTEMPORARY asks: Is it not a fact that the quality of Irish
whisky is growing worse year by year ? No; it is the quantity
that is D. T.-riorating.
A WARNING TO THE ATHLETIC.
T was some little
time ago that
there lived a stern
great boast was
Spthat he had never
run a mile in his
life. He had be-
come possessed of
one grand ce.ntal
a w idea round which
-sall .his other
thoughts on social
and from which
S they all derived
Lth4ir light, and
the idea was "All
athletes kill them-
selves." He was
very proud of having come by this ideA, not from experience (for he
had always carefully avoided investigating such a repugnant subject),
but by a kind of natural and ifalible instinct. The peculiarity of
the notions derived from this instint was that they were quite immov-
able by any arguments on the other side, mand entirely unalterable by
time. What was, therefore, this gentleman's dismay on becoming
possessed of a son who would take to nothing but athletic from his
very infancy, and who backed himself to walk seven times round the
nursery in an hopr at the age of two!
Horrified at his jon' s ever-increasing athleticism, the unhappy father,
who was a weak, narrow-chested little gentleman, all over ailments,
called a CoUni.d f hlIs particular friends (who were all weak, narrow-
chested ,tLI-I geotlemen, all over ailments) to consider the matter,
and the~ cloelqon .which they all pretended to arrive at (but had in
I. ai t m bio-egt v-cit them, ready for se) wasthat the mad youth was
heogd lhoaelf f.. reach, l up to his .est and tapped it, and
tried to span his biceps with b.ti. -ai .d, and (told him gravely that
two miles walking a day was .enough for any man, and he would
repent it all in the end. V1en ..ne thinks about.it, it does seem sur-
prising that any ya3og man could be so thoughtless as to walk about
fifteen miles daily, take a cold bath every morning, refuse to eat and
drink more than nature seemed to require, or to smoke excessively, or
to go to bed at three, or to sit over the fire all the winter! But there
are such people, and I can only say that it's very queer and unnatural
that they don't die off very. I have been wondering how I should
convey an idea of the young man's reckless athleticism. If I say he won
the Wingfield Sculls twenty-five times, people will look at the Rowing
Almanack and never trust me again; and if I declare he was the
fastest miler on record I shall have folks crushing me with facts
about dead-heats in four-seventeen-and-a-quarter; and I fear to say he
was champion heavy-weight, because I'm dreadfully frightened of
people who can spar, and may dispute it.
But waiving ali this, the young man grew and expanded, and
all the weak, narrow-chested little gentlemen begat sons of the
same description as themselves, and died off, declaring to the last that
the young man would kill himself in time. And the sons grewup, and
carefiuly kept their chests narrow, and looked sadly at that mad
athlete, and sighed.
"If that young man doesn't take care he'll kill himself!" they
murmured, and couldn't understand his refusing to drink bottles of
port with them, simply on the ground that he didn't feel thirsty!
The athlete had become a bearded-man by this time, and walked sixty
miles a day with ease, but the little gentlemen had no hopes of his
longevity : and this generation of gentlemen begat sons rather
weaker still, and died.
By the time the third generation had grown to maturity, our
athlete's hair was beginning to turn grey, and he had given up
training, but he could still do his'sixty miles comfortably.
"Why doesn't some one warn this man ?" said the third generation
of little gentlemen sadly; he'll kill himself some day, at this !" and
the fourth, fifth, and sixth generations were equally cut up about it;a
only they could not express their grief very loudly, on account of the
weakness of their lungs. The athlete was very old now, and his
remaining hair was snowy; so he seldom exceeded fifty miles, except
as an extra thing, but he would often playfully pile the little gentle-
men one on the other in a heap, antd carry the lot gently on his
"If this old man doesn't give up this kind of thing he'll kill him-
self they said," and then the generation died out from weakness, and
were heard of no more. I met that athlete (who is now about a
hundred and fifty years old) the other day, walking to Brighton with
a knapsack on his back, and upon my word I wish somebody would
warn him about it, for I'm certain it will tell upon him in the end !
A MAD ASPIRATION.
BY oUn LUNATIC LAUREATE.
WIDE trousers that flap like a sailor's,
A collar that tickles the nose ;
A creature made up at his tailor's,
Who swaggers and grins as he goes!
When such, in this queerest of ages,
Possessors of wisdom remain,
Oh! let me be numbered by sages
Among the insane.
A mob hoarse with yells and with hooting,
Intent upon drivel and drink,
Who cheer while a skunk is polluting
The land with his pestilent stink !
While the doctors of lunacy linger
And touch not the Ortonite train;
Oh, indicate me with your finger,
And murmur Insane."
Fanatics who think that on one day
'Tis wicked for fishes to swim,
Who stand at street corners on Sunday
And bellow some blasphemous hymn !
While the bigots who trample us under
Their senses are said to retain,
Who would not with pleasure I wonder
Be known as insane ?
A nation of traders delighting
To bow neathh Conservative rule.;
A Parliament bent on inciting
O'Gorman and Whalley -to fool!
VWhile the people kow-tow to the Tories,
And credit their leaders with brain,
I count as the greatest of glories
My being insane.
A JUBIOUS JURST.
THE obtuse perversity of coroners' juries is notorious, but we do not
remember to have noted a more striking instance than the following.
At an inquest held the other day in the East-end the jury, being in
doubt as to whether the body before them was really lifeless, insisted on
the post mortem examination being delayed until they had satisfied
their scruples. Could anything be more absurd? Unable to make up
their minds, they demanded the exclusion of evidence! If they did not
think the man dead the readiest way to convince themselves would
have been to cut him up. A single application of the knife, deeply but
delicately inserted in a vital part, would have placed the matter
altogether beyond dispute. It is really extraordinary how slow the
world is to learn the value of dissection as a means of ascertaining,
not the cause, but the fact, of death.
A Critical Position.
A MOUSING critic objects to the phrase a perfect sphere," as implying
that there can be such a thing as an imperfect sphere, the fact being-
according to him-that a merely spheroid body is not a sphere at all.
We don't see that. Suppose you cut the leg off a merely anthropoid
body, is not that body still a man ?-provided, of course, it is not an image,
a child, a woman, or an ape. Is a statue not a statue, all the same,
after Time has snapped off its nose ? Is not a dog's tail a dog's
tail even though a portion of it may have been left by mistake in the
crack of a door ? To descend from great things to small, a critic, we
fancy, is not less critical if he lack a brain, but.rather more so.
Ix a book by the late Mr. Winwood Reade we see it related of an
African woman that having been selected to assist at a human sacrifice,
and inadequately killed, she came back, explaining that she had been
to the land of the dead, but was refused admission because naked. Of
what astonishing devices the female mind is capable! This lady, who
had probably never owned an article of clothing in all her life, could
not leave off scheming for it, and seized upon even a trifling error in a
sacrificial rite as the basis of a claim for a new dress. We arc sorry
to add that feminine vanity and deceit scored their immemorial
success; the artful minx was clothed in finery and carefully rokillod.
Note from S-hang-ai.
LE-IANG-CHANG and Li-hung-Chang have, according to Chinese
telegrams, proceeded to Yunnan to investigate the murder of the late
Mr. Margary. We hope they will soon be followed by Le-hang-man,
and that the murderers will soon be Li-hung-people.
JULY 17, 1875.]
34 F U N [JULY 17, 1875.
Lady Visitor (to small boy): -" So YOUR ELDEST BROTHER'S NAME IS MAXIMILIAN. WHAT DO YOU CALL HIM ? "
7. Boy :-" MAXEY, MUM." Visitor :-" AND THE BABY-WHAT'S HER NAMsE Boy :-" MINNIE, MUM."
Visitor :-" AND WHICH ARE THE TWINS ? BO JEM AN' I, OF COURSE."
DUX-AND DESCENT. Rattening,
A BILL, which would have destroyed one of the greatest and most MENTIONING a case of alleged concealment of birth, the Stockport News
absurd of our electoral peculiarities-the difference between the voting says :-" The child, of which no vestige remained, had been deposited in
qualifications in counties and those in boroughs-has just been thrown a place where it is supposed that the rats, as largeas cats, devoured it."
out. Mr. Newdegate and others, in the interests of whose class the We should like to know the process by which the colossal size of these
present state of things was arranged, denounced it, of course; but it is ugly creatures was ascertained. Our Own Fiend, also, wishes to know
hard indeed that a so-called Liberal leader, who, as a rule, acts the how it was possible to speak so confidently on that point, when the very
part about as well as a dummy in a tailor's shop acts the part of a man, fact of the child having been devoured was merely a matter of supper-
should on this particular occasion have shown sufficient vitality to sition.
enable him to make a little speech, and then run away. This is, how-
ever, only as it should be under the circumstances, and may, in the Selfish.
end, be productive of much good. What chance the party of progress THE manager of a theatre announces a new drama written by him-
possesses while it adheres so strongly to old-fashioned and Conservative self, in which he will play the principal character. The title of the
notions as to elect as chief a man whose only claim is to be found in piece is Self-the most appropriate one the lessee-manager-dramatist-
the fact that he is son of a Duke can be told in one word. And that actor could have chosen-with the exception of Myself.
word is, in plain English, none. Perhaps, though, if the Marquis of
Hartington interfered much more it would have still less.
__ot Ready, the Twenty-eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
Question in Mathematics. The TWENTY-FIRST VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
WHAT is the form of a pineapple eaten by an elephant ?-A trunk- Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d.each.
ate cone. Also, Beading Cases, ls. 6d. each.
rATERS' QUININE wI
1M f"1 WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
Sy "I find it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Hassall, M.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.- WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Ph-nix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, July 17, 1875.
JULY 24, 1875.] F T N 35
AN INSCRUTABLE MYSTERY.
DESPITE the boundless pride I take-
SA pride which nasty folks who sreer
n never, never, never shake)-
In every British Volunteer,
There is a point concerning him
On which my mind's a sea of doubt,
And all my understanding's dim-
But which I'm bent on finding out.
This point, which fills my dreams by night,
And on to which I want to throw
Some trusty information's light-
This thing I madly yearn to know-
Is-Why the gentleman in drab,
Or red, or grey, can never tramp,
But always has to take a cab,
From Putney Station to the Camp ?"
When heartless trains at Putney land
The Volunteer, and cabs are rare,
It stabs my heart to see him stand
A prey to effortless despair,
And give it up, and take the train
In desperation back again,
With heart opprest, and eyelids damp-
And never, never, reach the Camp.
I'd never have another drink,
I'd never smoke, nor eat, nor speak
With anyone who dared to think
The martial hero's legs are weak!
rd meet with coldness most severe
The snob who hinted it would kill
The brawny British Volunteer
To drag his rifle up the hill!
No!-studied on whatever ground
You take the thing, it seems to me
There's something in it too profound
For ordinary folks to see.
I don't believe it's merely pride,
Or weakness in the legs, or cramp,
Which makes our brave defender ride CAMPLY CAUSTIC.
From Putney Station to the Camp. Jones:-" HALL, BROWN! MADE A BAD SCORE? WHY NOT GO IN FeOl
THE SWEETSTUFF LINE?"
Down in the World. Brown (who doesn't see the joke) :---"WHAT D'YER MEAN? "
THE Duke of Westminster is going to open a bazaar Jones:-" WHY! THEN YOU'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE AS MANY BULL'S-EYES
in the autumn. This comes of buying racehorses. AS YOU LIKE."
COULEUR DE ROSE. REGRET.
SOME of our unpaid City magistrates seem determined to rival their I no not mourn, sweet wife of mine,
brethren in the provinces, and one in particular, Sir William Rose, Because those ruby lips of thine-
recently went beyond the ordinary bounds of Aldermanic stulti- That marble brow-
fication. A tavern-keeper was summoned by the police for serving Were kissed by one who might have been,
"after hours," and it was apparently proved to the satisfaction of Had I not chanced to step between,
everybody that the matter was a deliberate "plant." Some plain- Th husband now.
clothes men obtained admittance by describing themselves as travel- I do not grieve because thy heart now.
lers, and at once their colleagues, clad in all the majestyof the law, EI do not grieve because it with yhe dart,
followed. The landlord was thus caught "red-handed," and a case ForEre Cupid touched it with my dart, beat:
was made. But the civic dignitary rose superior to considerations of ForNor that the hand which owns my ring
police cupidity and malevolence, and the tavern-keeper was fined 5, nor that the hand which owns my rating
the conviction, besides, to be endorsed on defendant's licence. Sir Once wore his gift, a" zpah thg.
William Rose evidently thinks that a publican is always so much It was but meet.
of a sinner that it is advisable to fine him whenever a chance occurs, I sigh not that his arms were placed
irrespective of the merits of the actual case on hand. A truly great Some score of times around your waist,
mind can always overcome small difficulties, and Sir William was not So sweet and slim.
the sort of man to have his plans disturbed just because a defendant Ah no, my love! the woe you see
happened to be innocent. What's the good of being a magistrate, Is mine because you wedded me
and worthy, as well as a knight and a successful City trader, if small Instead of him.
considerations of fact are to interfere with one's ideas of right and
the administration of strict "public" justice ? "For the Sake of Humanity."
CAPTAIN BOYTON says that the river Calder, near Wakefield, is
Figurez-vous I second to none save, perhaps, the Liffey, for holding the flavours of
A DEPRAVED contemporary, with a Babbagian turn of mind, heads a every imaginable abomination." If Captain Boyton really wishes to
paragram "Railway Accidents," and proceeds to deal with them "as see our rivers purified there is one "abomination" he can easily spare
a question of figures." Very much a question of figures we should them-his puff-bespattered apparatus.
say, especially for the travellers who have had theirs damaged beyond
recognition. A Roll Call.
A LADY has left a roll of bank notes, value 800, at the office of the
WHAT's the difference between the pastor of Plymouth Church anda Curates' Augmentation Fund, under the initials, E.C. That lady is
coastguard ?-One's a Ward Beecher, and the other's a beech warder, evidently in E.C. circumstances.
36 F U N [.TULY 24, 1875.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Judy 21, 1875.
Yas, I am the Vicar of Bray-
That is, I'm the Vicar of Spalding;
And maybe some people will say
I've got into water that's scalding.
But if you'll just think for a while,
You'll find that I'm not an unfair man;
I but acted in clerical style
And:ne'er wished for regard as a rare man.
For I'm sure that our sentence was awfully, mild.
When compared:with the sin of that bad little child.
Yes ,I am an asinine judge-
At- least I've been called so quite lately-
And if I've a pluralist's grudge
I don't let. it bother me greatly.
Now, surely, your verdict's too hard
On:one -who's .a. Churchman and pious.
We must have ,the people's regard-
Or the boys. in the street will defy us!
And I cannot, help .thinking by this and by that-
Far too muchhas been made of a common folk's brat.
THE aptness with which the public refer to the fact that a clergy-
man must have been on the Bench whenever a more than ordinarily
blundering or cruel piece of justice's injustice is made manifest, says
more than any words of ours. can for a feeling which pervades.the
country at large. And.a very strong feeling it is too. It is notfor
us to discuss why the most wretched ebullitions of private and
proprietorial wrath which have ever disgraced the unpaid Bench
have been those of clergymen, who sit by right of their benefices, and
therefore by virtue of* their sacred and Christian office-it is sufficient
for us to note the fact, and, while deploring it, to hope that the time
will soon come when, a new era may be inaugurated: for, the
Commission of the Peace.. The recent outrageous-,conduct: of the Vicar
of Sp.ildir In,] his-colleagues, .one. of whom- was, also a-parson, has
led to a burst- of, popular indignation- which can. only be compared
with other bursts, the result of similar cruelty emanating fiom a
similar source-the clerical Justice of the Peace, with his absurd and
unchristian notions of what is the due of those offenders whose
principal offence is that they are "common people." But clergymen
must not alone receive the blame. It is the qualification for the
magistracy which is utterly wrong. While the possession of property
is supposed to include the possession of brains, and while those most
interested are allowed to be judges and, in spirit, prosecutors aswell, such
cases as that of Sarah Chandler and the Rev. Edward Moore cannot
be rare, even should this man be removed from the Commission, as a
preliminary step towards reconstructing the qualification. It is an
error to suppose that clergymen are worse than other folk-it is only
that in them error is more noticeable than in the ordinary clod-pated
country squire, from whom we look for nothing else. And looking forx
it, are seldom or never disappointed.
THE RULING PASSION.
"'Tis strange," quoth Janet, laying down
The Lives of writers of renown,
That nought so many wits could save
From lying in the drunkard's grave.
From what I've read I can but think
The curse of talent must be drink."
"Not strange at all," her lord replies,
"The master passion-there it lies.
Apply the rule; you must confess,
That beauty's curse is surely dress;
To close my case and save my breath,
Don't Fashion's daughters dress to death ?"
An Apt Illustration.
ONE of the finest examples of journalistic enterprise that we have
recently observed is that of a penny illustrated paper which published
a double-page engraving of the Eton and Harrow cricket-match on
the very day the match took place. We call this one of the finest
examples of journalistic enterprise; the very finest was our own, for we
commented upon that picture many months before it was published-
by the paper mentioned. We expect to comment upon it annually
until it has gone the round of all the illustrated papers in London
except our own, and then we shall publish it ourselves, with feelings
too deep for utterance.
SIR BROWN OF BUCKLERSBURY.
A LEGEND OF BsHOrSGATrE.
'TwAs a bright and glorious morning in the middle ages. The sun
*had just burst forth in all his splendour, and the. gay. and gallant
towers of the pleasant suburb of Bishopsgate Within glimmered and
winked as if they had been up late over-night, and were surprised at
Daylight arousing them from their slumbers just a trifle too early.
A'h, those were the happy times, whenthe gallant citizens were. always
ready with their long bows and little bills-the latter especially-
when the 'prentices wore quarterstaves, and<, drew. their money on
quarter-days, with a hey down, hie down, ho down, derry; Every-
thing then was musical or warlike. The glee-maiden was- gleeful as
she handled her gittern and danced with the kittern; the Lord Mayor
'trolled a mery stave as he sat in his counting-house; and the retainers
of the nobility and gentry whistled the airs of their native land as
they swashed their bucklers around. For those were the good old
times, and the people knew it, and looked with contempt upon the
prospects of the nineteenth century.
On the particular morning of my story Brown of Bucklersbury
arose, and as he picked the straws from his beard and rubbed himself
with.an oak towel after a dry wash, wondered how he was to get his
breakfast. For Brown, though a strong man and a ferocious, was by
no means rich; the profession of murderer having fallen into decay
during the Civil Wars, which were then frequent, and which carried
off the surplus population and the noble lords, who were opposed to
other noble lords without the aid of the bravo's bludgeon or the
assassin's assistance. Brown didn't like war. He could do a bit of
carving and slicing with any man who wasn't looking; but no war
for him-not if lie knowed it, where the killing was done on both
sides. So Brown was what at that time was known as hard up. His
bed consisted of a few rags and a half-truss of straw; he had no
soap; and his pouch only contained a recollection of rosier days by
means of a bad tanner of the period. Who then shall wonder that,
amid the universal merriment, Brown of Bucklersbury was sad ? And
as he heard the gitterns play and the glee-maidens sing, and the lark
upspringing, he ground his teeth with impotent rage, and chopped at
the half-truss of straw with the trusty blade which had in more peace-
ful times done him such good service.
Ha, ha! ho, ho! he, he!" An idea breaks, in upon him. He will
away to the hostehry of the famous Crosby Hall, and there will fall
upon some peaceful citizen and take away his dinner. (The reader
must please remember that people dined early in those days, and that
some hours are supposed to elapse between each paragraph.) Hastily
shaking himself, so as to get rid of any accumulations of dust upon
his costume, and giving his swashing blade a preliminary flourish, he
strode down the stairs, kicked a small boy who at that moment
happened fortunately to be passing; and so freeing himself of his pent-
up feeling, made the best of his way to the hall which, even in those
days, was famous for the refreshments purveyed by its noble owners.
But alas! no citizen was there enjoying the dinner which Brown so
much coveted. As it happened, there was a great garden party at
Lord Bennett's in Chepe, to which all the City nobles were invited,
and Crosby Hall was quite deserted. In vain did Brown crawl under
the tables which were so temptingly set by the shady trees, intending
JULY 24, 1875.] ZI IST. 37
to surprise anyone there and collar his provender; the splendid T H E TRAVELLING SHO W .
strategic movement was valueless, for there was no one to surprise.
And'.the salt tears of bitter disappointment trickled down his nose, and A 'em.
made-him more hungry than ever. (By Oa HALT"irWrrrTIMWA.)
.Desperation at last seized on Brown, and springing ,to his feet he I.
yelled lustily for the waiter. What was, this bold, bad man about to OH, take my hand, Halt Wittv Man.
do ? Why.did his eyes burn blue in theofast declining daylight, and "What do you:seepiHalt WittyMan ?
wherefore didc the sensuous smilelhang from his heavy underlip? Ha, Answer me, pal of my grimy youth, lantern-jawed scionof a'wooden
ha! ho ho! 'he,, he! He had again-an idea. He would order a real nutmeg race, knowing look-and- leering eye, noseflattened against
Crosby Hall dinner of the olden time,-and when he had devoured it the peep show of old Showman 'ime, ears pressedtd-the keyhole
and'felt like an'eagle refreshed with wine, he would sally forth like a of the world, hands thrust deep-into the pockets of ftituity.
.giantfrom his eyrie, and, with the manner of a true English gentleman, What do you-se, -hear, feel, think, know, faney,.-guess ?
:eut down the firstwaiter who had no more offensive weapon than his What do you calculateo:orkinder reckon ?
.napkin. ',Then, hie for home and the half-truss of straw, the no soap, Out with it, boss!
and tthe other luxuries of his -spacious .and lofty domicile :in II.
Baoldersbury I see the cant-riddenland of Tinselvania.
Right-speedily the dishes were brought, and Brown bravely began I see its head wrapped up and hidden away in.a"Scotoh plaid.
.the attack. Curried fowl and lobster sauce, pickled salmon and rum I see its members divided, roaring, bribing, shouting fighting, singing
:punch, leg of mutton and raspberry gstuffing-all the splendid dishes of comic songs, play leapfrog with laws, bringing nation to contempt.
-a medinival dinner gradually disappeared, and, he was at last left with I .see its hands beaten down, kicked down, trampled on, robbed,
the roast goose which then, with- a bottle of champagne in its stomach, .starved, put in-prison, driven to the wilds of -Australia, New
always wound up the repastsof Albion's-aristocracy. But now this 'Zealand, Canada ,Queensland, Nova Scotia, America, China, Japan,
.bold, bad man began-as he himself' many'years afterwards said-to Africa,; Honolulu,'Tasmania, Fiji, India, likewise-Timbuctoo.
funk it, and his conscience osmote him!'as :he' thought of the possible I'-see. its.,legs -.gambling, racing, card playing, betting, financing,
widow he might create ift he course, of -a few;minutes. The :dreadful foreign loaning, stock exchanging, bubble company promoting,
crime of murder had never-appeared so heinous to him before; for he :bilbdiscounting, food' adulterating, customer cheating, thieving,
saw that the waiter whobhad-attended him -caried a double-edged :rogueing, lying.
revolving pistol of the,-:kind' just:'then introduced, .and warranted to I-see. its bodies guzzling, feasting, spreeing, wasting,-and taxing the
kill at three inches. 'Brown: felt'Ahat he -should like to 'reform and :town heavily that: they may fawn upon foreign, tyrants and feed
save his soul the weightof-uanther crime. 'dusky:lbrbarians.
.And I am happy toisayythat-headi&a-ve it. 'Just as he was making And.the heart of-the:gazer is- sick with a-sore- sickness, :and his dark
up his mind for a dash, a little-bird:eame hopping along-a little black, ;orbs arelifted- in despair.
mischievous-lookingb 'ird-and, jumping on .the 'table, deposited a What-nmore do your.-dark, obs.',see,.Halt' Witty: ManP
gold piece .close byLiroWife! wlkte,'then, -givinganunearthly 'laugh, III.
departed. Brown was1'.oodelighted'to ask -any..questions, andso, Iwee.thevast-ampireNwabia.
calling the -waiter,-ihewpaid his-billand at":once:set -sail fort the) Holy Glitteringfwith-splendsr.ahbegums pass, and the white men sit in
Land, where he peiformned-prodigies :f --valour, '-and, after' -slaying i.the:wmghtplaees.
Saladin, King Baldwin,4'Rithatd' Occur-de Lion, -anduthe Siltan of I..see the'-wondrous'wires f f4he electric machine as they palpitate
Zanzibar in sinl. co.mtat, died imthe .,dour .A snctt. bbeneaththe:boseom-bfthhdbrad ocean.
But before b- diied,-Sr .Br,'n, .:.fr subh hald h-:-now-.become, I lstn to the quick tik-in sound of their voices, and I gather the
bequeathed all his, poils td'the--propriotors of Orosby-Hall, oncondition 'butdoenof their song.
that it was to be keptconstantly opened tothe. public, and:that diners Itdis'coming !'"they cry; and over the broad fields of the Orient the
of the best kind shoil&ad-ways*be obtainabl, there. zAnd anyone'who :nmarvelous.fews is flashed.
doubts my story had;,bstatter'aelat'the-etabslishment-in'Bishopsgate -'Wihat ishis that' cometh o'er the sea and o'er the- land; heralded by
and judge for himself. "-Therepirirthattaneientipalace;.wbhich isone bf tbi snf r .wiries iTI iny .; ..i voices from afar?
the sights-of Londonnphe~lwflisidrol'es ;ofiiBrown .and, what is still It s th .gret Show trolu th:- -.st.
'better, specimensoobff.the'ikhid.bf'obird -which-appeared to him on that They are coming 'with their -'horses and their trappings,', their red
memorable occasion to -*hieohb.I have aso -feebly, yet so truthfully, coats and their-blue coats,t-their titles and their orders,, their
- referred. -.speeches and their tricks, their-posters and thei;smanall' flls.
LooK up, my pet, and dry your tears,
And lay your hand in mine ;
Why stain the bliss of wedded years
With temper's drops of brine ?
Let's make it up and dine, my love-
Let's make it up and dine.
Come, let me in the dear old way
Your matron waist enfold;
Good appetite, remember pray,
Is worth a heap of gold.
And dinner's getting cold, my love-
And dinner's.getting cold.
There smile again, and take your seat,
And bid the demon fly.
You say you are too sad to eat !
Just hand your plate and try
This steak and kidney pie, my love--
This steak and kidney pie.
You shake your-head- and stillyou fret,
And wear a wicked frown !
.Then send the pie-away, my pet,
Bid Mary take 'it down;
I'm off to dine in town, my love-
I'm off to dine in town.
A NUMBEn of Manchester .young men have banded themselves
together for ,the purpose 6f defacing the advertisements of quack
doctors, which appear on hoardings. Quite right; the proper'place
for a quack doctor's advertisement is on a 'dead-wall.
The gongs and the drums are',bea-ting in the' towns,'-thea;gehts in
advance are sticking the posters and distributing the small bills.
Count-up your jewels and your gold, your elephants and your cowries.
Count up your fine raiment and your objects of art, your ivory and
your old clothes.
He -will take all hoe gets-he, the boss of the Travelling Show from the
Cast -your presents-at -his -feet, ye dark--skinned -sons of the East,- ye
dark-eyed daughters of Nawabia.
The performance is poor, but the seats are dear.
And who is he, the boss of this' Travelling Show from the West?
He is the mighty heir of Tinselvania.
He is the idol df the land of tricks and dodges.
He comes with his pockets open for, your presents and your gold.
Patronise his wonderful show, that-he may settle his debts with your
elephants and. your cowries, your jewels- and your old clothes.
Throw-your coppers upon the stage.
He -will make you- pretty, speeches, he will smile at your dusky maidens,
and shoot with your stately men.
Send him'back with his pockets full and his -heart light,
For he is a- good fellow.
Ay, a right good fellow.
And this'Travelling Show of his is a dodge-
A dodge from the brain of the crafty statesmen of Tinselvania,
Who work him from daylight to darkness, and grudge him the
thousands he wants.
I believe you have struck the right nail on the occiput.
Farewell to thee, Witty Man.
Sin E. W. WATKIN is to'be the Chairman of the'Eric Bondholders'
Committee, and it is rumoured he -will shortly proceed to America to
investigate the affairs of the company. Watkin you wish for more ?
38 F ,U N r[JULY 24. 1875.
A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.
Mrs. Jenkins:-" WHY, ELIZA MARY, I AIN'T SEEN TER FOR I DON'T KNOW 'OW LONG! "
Eliza Mary :-" No, MRS. JENKINS, YOU AIN'T ; I'VE BEEN THAT ILL, I DON'T SEEM ABLE TO GET -WELL AT ALL "
Mrs. J. :-" BUT HAVEN'TT YOU TAKEN ANY REMEDY ? -" No INDEED, MRS. JENKINS, BUT I'VE TAKEN A POWER OF PHYSIC "
DOTS AND LINES.
RIOT in Massachusetts between Irishmen of different "persuasions."
"Persuasion is better than force," said a policeman after he had
emptied his revolver on a lingering, but still obdurate, Orangeman. =
Approach of the end of Session. It is not true that Whalley is to be
included in the massacre of the innocents." But he is well qualified.
= Lord Shaftesbury heads a deputation to the Sultan of Zanzibar.
The donkey is left at home, but the flunkey is fully present. White
elephants will be plentiful in Zanzibar. = Annual meeting of the
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Anything but
dumb animals present. Our Johnny thinks he oughtn't to have been
forgotten in the prize giving. = Six tradesmen fined for keeping their
shops open on Sunday. But why not fine the informer, who must also
have been at work on that day ? = Volunteer carnival at Wimbledon.
Jones says he can't understand why so much fuss is made of what is,
after all, only a Common gathering. = Warwickshire agriculturist
tries the lex talionis. His servant tramples on mangolds-proprietor
tramples on him. Forty-seven shillings including costs! = Other
provincial gentleman skins a sheep alive. Forty shillings or a month !
Oh! if he had only broken a paling or stolen a turnip belonging to
the J.P.s. Or if he had only been starving! = The Rev. E. Moore
makes a speech in which he states he is proud of having done his duty.
If doing it to death is anything, he has good reason for pride. = De-
parture of the Sultan of Zanzibar. To give his subjects a Bible
each, and set all his slaves free, of course. = Hound Show at
Alexandra Palace. Sir Edward Lee and Mr. Trendell are going to
get up a Weather Show as soon as they can square the Clerk.
MORE PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY.
EVERYTHING comes to the man who can wait, but he generally has
to hand it round.
Little minds are caught with trifles, but they're bad things for
children's supper parties.
There is no fence against fortune, but a great deal of railing.
The best news is no news, but eight pages of advertisements are
dear at a penny.
Once a knave always a knave, but the greatest knaves are often
The smiles of a pretty woman are the tears of a purse, but the more
she smiles the sooner its grief is over.
Some clever men change their opinions oftener than their shirts.
WE have reason to believe that the story of the lunatic who was
found roaming in Westminster Palace, and was placed in confinement,
is altogether untrue. It grew out of the not very extraordinary fact
that an honourable member wandered from his subject, and was shut
up by the Speaker.
IT is stated that, in consequence of the water supply in Dumfermline
being exhausted, a large firm of milk dealers have left the town.
Wherever they go, if they stick to their trade they will be in the done
firm line. Ha! ha! A joke!
IF TJN JULY 24, 1875.
JUSTICE FOR THE JUSTICES.
This is the sort of Bench for which they are most fitted. Here they can try the question of Stocks v. Geraniums
at their leisure. Correct portraits guaranteed.
JULY 24, 1875.]
IF U N -.
SONGS OF A SUBURB.
No. II-THE IMMOVABLE TENANT.
Tins is a story of griefs that gnaw,
And; ruin and black despond;
This-is a story of English law
(Of'which I'm extremely fond),-
Tale of a tenant who locked the door
And smuggled the keys away4
And couldn't be never got out no morc,
And'wouldn't be coaxed to pay.
Nevenrof -this -did I.glean a word.'
From any romantic book-
No; it's a story I, trembling, heard'
The butterman tell the cook.
Slowly he told it when few were.by;
And when it was dark andlate-
All of a shiver-with glaring-eye--
And clutching the airey gate!
Look at the ruin whose blood-red bricks
Commemorate deeds of gore!
8ee-where a horrible twenty-six
Is over the ghastly door!
There was an owner who longed to" spot"
A tenant to rent it to;
There was a tenant who took the lot
Without any more ado.
Many a reference, duly signed,
Attested the stranger's worth-
Letters of truly the warmest kind
From every prince on earth,:
Letters from everyone beyond
The commonplace herd had he-:
Mr. Disraeli-and Spiers and Pond-
And Admiral Eous-and Me.
Placidly smiling, with great goodwill,
He followed his artful game ;
Truly there wasn't a hitch until,
The end of the quarter came.,
Then, on a sudden, one artloss:day
The innocent landlord went,
And gently observed in an-offhand way,
He'd like to receive his rent.
The tenant's proceeding was kindly bland:
He civilly said, No doubt ;"
And, tenderly shaking the landlord's hand,
lie cheerfully bowed him out.
The latter appealed to the English laws,
And muddled for years did he;
But couldn't get into the house, because
Hle hadn't obtained the key.
He worried himself till he lost his hair-
Then; suddenly calming down,
He wisely, got rid of the whole affair
By selling the lease to Brown;
Who, having demanded the rent for years,
In very indignant tones,
Got quit of the cause of his scalding tears-
By selling'the lease to Jones.
One million and seven deluded men
Successively bought the lease,
And, breathing defiance, assembled then,.
And swore the affair should cease.
They secretly met when the sun was 16w
(That constables might not see),
And entered the house by the roof, although
They hadn't obtained the key.
But slowly that tenant had stored a store
Of powder they use for guns,
And treasured it up on the parlour floor-
Three million and ninety tons !
The tenant he emptied a poisoned, cup;
And lighted a powder train--
And quickly those million and eight went up
And never came down again.
The Sliding Scale.
BY the kind connivance of Providence the managers of an Austrian'
railway have hit upon a system which graduates the result of an.
accident according to the social rank of the accidentee. The other.
day the Crown Prince of Germany had the honour of being intro*
duced to a railway -collision. Mark the descending scale- of conso..
quences. The Prince was unhurt, his valet was slightly injured, as
old lady was considerably damaged, and a common workman was
killed right out. It would have bothered the demon of smash con-
siderably if a reporter had been mixed up in the affair. The exaet
amount of injury for such a being is difficult to determine.
42 IF U N [JULY 24, 1875.
"AS THE TWIG IS BENT"-
Hairdresser (to youthful "client") :-Now, MY LITTLE GENTLEMAN, KNEEL ON THIS CHAIR, PLEASE."
Little Gentleman, who is having his hair cut for the first time (doubtfully) :-AND must I SAY MY PRAYERS?"
Smn,-The recent prosecution of the sporting papers, for simply
putting in the most innocent advertisements of a few gentlemen whose
only wish it is to enlighten their fellow-men, has filled my soul with
grief. It seems so hard to interfere with men, who, for a mere per-
centage on winnings, unfolded the future, and waved the magic wand
over the destinies of countless backers. It is still harder that the
proprietors of sporting papers should be fined for publishing the offers
of enlightenment, and yet be allowed to publish their own returns of
the betting, and their own prophetic articles. But it is to explain all
this that I now write. The sporting paper of the future is to be
edited by Mr. Poland, and managed by Sir Tea Dakin. Advertise-
ments of anything but City-missions and Sunday-schools will be
strictly forbidden, and the mention of a racehorse, a pedestrian, or
any other form of athlete will be regarded as a signal for the sudden
death of the journal in which it appears. By this means, the ordinary
turfite will be gradually weaned from his wilful ways; and Admiral
Rous will be stuffed and preserved in the British Museum as the
souvenir of a bygone institution.
You may ask how I know this. I will tell you. As chief of the
sporting writers in London, I have received official warning to mind
my eye, and remember that any repetition of the success achieved by
me in former seasons will lead to a dungeon deep in a castle keep, in
London's vasty maze. Beneath the Bank, there's a prison dank for
those with winning ways. Fined forty pound, placed underground,
the sporting prophet pines; an honoured guest, with riches blest, the
City swindler shines. 'Gainst tipsters, touts, a lawyer spouts-such
wickedness must cease; while he whose deeds make widow's weeds
and broken hearts has peace. I had intended to write a memorial to
the House of Parliament as per specimen; but the hopelessness of
getting anyone but Mr. Whalley to sing it to a faithful Commons
niade me desist and turn my attention to other matters.
Undeterred by the threats which have been held out, I am going to
give my opinion on the Goodwood Stakes, which will not be interfered
with in any way, as it is run as much for the benefit of the Duke of
Richmond as for any other reason. When betting and all other
similar sins-including of necessity horseracing-are things of the past,
I should like to know what certain noble legislators and privileged
personages will do to make up the amounts they now get by means of
gate-money and grand stand admissions. Probably they will be put
upon the Civil List,-and why not ? Their claims would be at least
as good as nineteen-twentieths of those who now receive the amounts
supposed to be voted on behalf of literature, science, and art. But to
my prophecy. Gentlemen interested in the Goodwood Stakes aic
requested to remember me when counting their winnings, or making
their wills, for here is the tip which is to make their fortunes, and
utterly confound the powers that be-with Poland.
Now many favour Freeman's chance, while some on Polonaise
Have put their coin, and fancy that they're clever;
But before the journey's finished, both of these have lost their ways,
And Miss Toto can't from Bates's Escort sever.
There's a Winterly Distinction who will make the punters rave,
And the pencillers to flush up like vermilion,
But a bit for place on Moatlands will my readers' money save,
Even should the winner not be found in Lilian.
THE Globe-inspired with that spirit of true Conservatism which
prompts papers and people to ignore the deserving while they fawn
before and beslaver quacks and mountebanks-has published its con-
tempt for Captain Webb's recent great swimming exploit. Perhaps,
however, the Globe is right. After such a struggle to keep its head
above water as that with which our pink contemporary is successfully
identified, any common feat of endurance in the same way is as nothing.
Certainly Webb's swimming is not to be compared with the Globe's
wonderful arithmetical calculation, which was made in truly Globose
style-in the roundest of round numbers.
IMPOSING PLACEs.-Theatres where fees are not abolished.
PAYNE THE. PREVARICATOR.
BY. OUR DULL Co0aTnuBUTwo.
"IMPUDENT impostor !" said he; "you are, infamously ignorant of
even the rudiments of yourwretched profession, Pshaw!'
This was after I had been drawing the long bow for an, hour at a
stretch, and thinking: that my companion was. swallowing everything I.
said for-gospel as fast as he consumed the drink. I; gave., im.for, gL,
He wasa strange, weird being, who drank at myiexponse;and on, whom,.
I was wasting my inventive faculties. Everything about him- was,
long, from his haimto'his feet; and the nose-taken on the way. was,
perhaps, longest of i all in proportion. Not. even an An. rk.ian poet
could vie with, thaehair for extent and wildness,;, and as fotr- thb,; bots,..
beside them: the, brightest dramatist, journalistt,. anivrtdsoci'.
writer of the age. might well hide his diminishea hoose li.s biui;
have doubtedhisolaim tos.h,-a. -it y 1-. for the appecitt. he had for
gin, of whichlitseemedhe ....ild. wa.lw an, ct,:-an e.ilv-and- o'sp ak
truth he. was.trying bravely. I3 r as:rd hn aimlddilT aui humbly, as
one addreasing.a.supprior creature, andrespeetittlysakedjo what po-
fessaion h; alltaded.
SLyingy, lout,. lying !" he: proceeded, as, at.e:etu eila di.
appear d d.:.wan th,.at vi.:ntly o inuirti tc, fierv dads that a torch-
ight prcesLaiu on uthe W, t' tu. mt':'omch woulir tn-hav.etroubledthin.
'- You ca.i't lie a htte You. should have .knownB:'BiiPaype,:,otiougH
past4 HewaSawonderoofithe world. On his t,,mbastnbm was writtiia
thiestruae, tribute:to.his memory.: At his >.-,Lrth ih de veloped a de-ptlave.
disposition,.and lisped.in lies. In childhood. yuatb, manhood, and
agphe.w.-aike remarkable for. his multitrudinous meadasities, HI
wa!.b'elievedtby .one-and 'beloved by all. We6 ihalinot, look upon, hia.
like again.' There was -another great thing-about isd.lfing- every-
thinghe.said'he would sw.ear.to rather than not, and* hbi was, spisadid
atanargumeat. He.-. ul in.-.:t his facts and other data.- be ir.e. his
opponent knew-where l. I a,. and would further sabtantisE, them
with, al],the vowad.ecould think of;' The awhiSrt.yo. bowled him out
witba book in.yourhand he would swear he.took, quite the, t her.side-
of :the case, .adthabtyou were in errorr-, So he;camevu.it.i;t- Siag.
hundreds of times; but.he was prematurely.-paIanu eontOAtaiattpowoa
Disheartenedc and sad at heart, ; could onlyinquirebyywbhtiagaswy.,
my adinuied archetype was removed.fromn'us
"Broke. a blood-.vessel," said the stranger, .weeppig, utUl the ig.,
manly tears coursed -down his nose torrent-fashion, and threatened to
flood the room. A demon came into his neighbourhood.one. dayand:
told such a lie that poor Bill gave way to the shock, drooped and died.
I was his friend,.and I swore to avenge him. I drooped (my hair)
also and dyed- (my whiskers), and am even now on, my search for the
miscreant who. slew him."
But what was. the lie that killed your friend ?" I asked.,
"Come near, and prepare for the shock," said he. "Take another
drop of gin-so will I. He said that the.Lord Chamberlain's functions
were properly discharged, and that the Examiner of Plays was, a good
speaker and a credit to his official post."
I fainted, and on my recovery, the stranger was gone, and the: gin
bottle was empty. Since then I have.never;seen him, but Ihave given
up trying to tell tarradiddles for-ever,- .
Food, for Reflection.
A GENTLEMAN. who endeavoured to *satqfi tb.: cravings of:.hunger
with grass, paper, broken bottles,, and old boots, and incontinently died
during the experiment, has been generally, dubbed lunatic by an
unthinking press.. In these days of gorged capital and starved labour
any. man who attempts to solve, the problem of cheap food should at
least have his, memory preserved from slipshod attacks at a copper
A Dea-Irving. Case.
Masses. ShAKsSPEARE, CHAUCEa. AND MILTON-are. honoured withW
prominent positions on a drinking fountain.in Parkrlane. Mr. Henry
Irving would have occupied the position of the former gentleman,.had
he. not previously engaged himself for a column in the Daily Telegraphs
A- Choice of-Evills.
A, MAN who thinks he is rather hardly treated by the Now River.
Water Company, writes to an evening paper complaining that.in. taking,
a house one; has-to pay for the water-first, then pay for its being,
delivered,, and again pay for using it." Surely a man is hard to
please who having three courses open to him is.still dissatisfied.
Greek Meets Greek."
SIMULTANEOUSLY with the announcement of -a new paper to be called
the Dmnstic Servant's Journal it is stated, that. the price, of the.
Aci.demy is to be reduced to threepence. Our sympathies are
entirely with the elder competitor.
Or all the cares. that vex my li4.9
Is one that stands the first.;
Beyond the mother of my wif,.
Above, the household din and st4 f,
This.ranks by far the worst,.
My. son. and heir has reached .thyage
Of eight, or thereabout:
His tricks would vexthe wise sas s
He always puts me in a rage.,
If I'm at-home or out.
He spills my ink, Lh wpuE umy pecj,
Pts. physic, in my g.eg.;
DestrpyAmy, paperpin,his dep-
He shoes the catwith.walnut. thp.,k
Ties-saucepanp, to tb de0,&
He burnt a manuscripjl ITWpatt
He tied.a duster, to, myvc: ,.
And crowed to s-. the pinpli nute
Myp..rogressT on my; wiy,
He fastens pins within,my-o..-i r,
And bides, withface deamur,
The time when I, all unawe.ej
Sit down to rest, and-rise. t,. qWua.-
In Saxon strong andiypsT,.
I gave a dancingtea.offlta,.-
And,.exiled from the romii.
He bolted fast both door and.: gate,,
Then .turned off all the gas, and. staigh;-
With .crMokersfilled th gtoom.,
These: ofmy -woessare but a, tithe'
In truth I now. declare;
But. reason is, thattwhile I writhle,,
That I: should grin and bear,.
This whisper can't-be.overheard---.
My wife's of course my joy-
And she has oft with force declared'
That she would whop me if I dared'
To smack her darling boy.
Mit. COMMISSIONEmmx KE.RR seems to have..a very small opinionof'
human nature, if we may.judge. by a reportgiven in the CitydPress of
some remarks made by him the other day. Mr. Kerr is quite-suire that
it -is.the object-of all'people in and about Billingagate either to! sellW
stinking fish, or to commit perjury. The, learned Commissioner, also
expressed his disbelief in assurance companies, and took underhis especial
protection Irish labourers, bogs, blades of grass, and, other. things
which struck him at the time as having nothing whatever.to, do with
the matter at issue.. From which it may be judged that Mr. Kerrds
rather incorrect when he thinks he administers common" law, but
not more incorrect than he is generally, and by no means soincorrect
as those in high office who allow.our small courts to be made vehicles
for buffoonery on commission." By the lucid: utterances of this civic
administrator we are reminded of an old proverb that. says, by. the
whine of the Kerr you may know his -want of breeding.
An. Old. Offender.
LoVEns of the literature of crime.. will be. sorry: to learn that. the
friend of their youth, the' immortal Jack. Sheppard, has. been caught,
and bound. over to keep the peace. Jack had broken a window, in
Whitechapel, an achievement distinctly inferior to some of his earlier.'
performances, certainly; but a man of such persistent vitality. as.le.
must be capable of almost anything in the way of revivals," and he
might-at :any-time have executed 'a piece of roguery that would have
re-endeared him to his old admirers, and sshed a new., light-upon'the
faded-page of England's criminal annals. But for the present he is
doomed to play an inglorious part in the' drama of his life and adven-
tures, and it cannot but add poignancy to his regret to reflect that it
is through theo base ingratitude of "his own recognizances."
Whoy so P
THE wearing of Imperial eagles-which seems to have lately become
the fashion among certain French fire brigades-has been prohibited,
by the Prefect of the Oise. lie of the Oise objects to the Oiseau. ,,;
44 F" UNS. [JUL- 24, 1875.
,i-r .... .-- .. i,, l J,,ll 17-"
+ ~ ~~ f ,,+ +
Irt fN~ll lV, % ,,t .Jt~ l'A IL I /tj,,,,, lllll:;! l].b7 '
A DISMAL PROSPECT.
Host (who has been telling a story for the last two hours, suddenly remembers that he has forgotten both the point and the fiish--time 3 a.m.) :
-" CAN'T THINK OF IT 'T ALL. NEVER MINE THOUGH, I'LL TELL YOU THAT OTHER ONE 'BOUT WHEN I FIRST CAME TO LoiNDON."
[This takes still longer, and all have heard it before.
TAKEN IN CHARACTER.
A PICTORIAL contemporary lately embellished its front page with the
picture of a well-known nobleman smoking a huge meerschaum pipe.
It is understood that this is but the commencement of a novel series of
pictures from life, which will include the following :-
Mr. Disraeli revealing the Asian mystery inthe solitude of his chamber.
Lord Shaftesbury grooming his donkey.
Mr. Gladstone sucking a preserve.
Mr. Whalley looking under the bed for Jesuits.
Baron Grant washing his hands.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson emptying his cistern.
Mr. E. F. Pigott rehearsing a speech.
Mr. Irving padding his legs.
Lord Walter Campbell selling an Erie.
Mr. Tennyson rhyming treacle and asparagus.
A Paul-try Attempt.
MR. AND MRS. BILLINGTON advertise a short season at the Globe,
with a piece, well-known in the provinces, entitled Rough and Ready.
They expect to be very successful, as the drama is everywhere
admitted to be a work of Merritt.
A "Society" Spasm.
So far as concerns newly-published pieces of music the art of
criticism is in its infancy, and if "the child is father to the man" the
best wish that one can give the "little stranger" is that it may have
a green old age of babyhood. From a silly little paper we learn
concerning three new songs that the first is "pleasing, flowing, and
effective," the second, "flowing, fresh, and uncommon," the third,
" effective and pleasing." As these several judgments are delivered
in reviews" whose united length is but twelve lines, one hardly
knows which to admire the more-the copiousness of the critic's
vocabulary, or his adroitness in making the most of it. The skill with
which he disposes his adjectives in novel and captivating combinations
could scarcely produce a more surprising result if he were describing
a musical composition arranged for a harp of a single string.
"Very Like a Whale."
JONAS FISHER : a Poem in Brown and White," is the title of abook
now in the press. Doubtless the novelty of this title will beget a
throng of imitations. We propose to forestall one of these by the
immediate issue of "Jonah Whaler; a Treatise in Smith and
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Printed by JUDD & CO., Plihoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, July 24, 1875.
JULY 31, 1875.]
BY THE SEA.
IP anyone-(from love of me
For unaffected friendship's sake;
Or else because he grieves to see
A social principle at stake;
Or else because he's lent me gold
At some remote, forgotten day,
And thinks I ought to join the fold
Of those who do their work, and pay)--
Should frown, and give an angry sniff,
And shake his wrathful fist at me
Because I'm sitting on a cliff,
And gazing, gazing out to sea-
Oh, calm his friendly heart and say
His social principle's intact-
Oh, say his money I'll repay
With ev'ry halfpenny exact.
No summer holiday 1 keep;
On no excitement bent I roam-
I look for something on the deep:
I'm waiting till my ship comes home!
In wealth of cargo less or more-
(To sore, perchance, an extra ton)-
Dame Fortune, on the other shore,
Provides a ship for everyone;
She starts them for our distant land,
All rudderless, upon their way;
And some will reach their owner's hand,
And some will sink, or sail astray.
To meet and guide them as they drift
The bold may dare the angry wave;
And some shall light on Fortune's gift,
And some shall only find a grave;
And some who have obtained the prize,
And now no longer fear to drown,
Shall steer with judgment so unwise
Their ships shall wreck and drag them down.
But those who cannot brave the seas
May miss their fortune all their lives-
And I, I fear, am one of these:
I'm waiting here till mine arrives!
Verse and Verse.
LORD BYRON wrote his "Don Juan" as a protest
against the Cant of the age. Naturally, he wrote it in
NEW SCHOOL BOARD EXERCISE.
Schoolmistress :-" FIRST BOY, SPELL DOG 1st Boy:-" D. 0. G.! "
S. M. :-" SECOND BOY, SPELL TREE 2nd Do.:-" T. R. E.! "
S. f. :-" WRONG : THIRD BOY, SPELL TREE! "
Third Do.:-" T. R. DOUBLE E.!" S. M. :-" Go up OE."
[Boy wishes he could.
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
NHATEVER maybe the opinion of wise and learned critics as to the
ability possessed by Mr. George Rignold, there can be no disputing the
fact that he is extremely popular. On the night of his reappearance
before a London public, after a very successful tour in America, the
Queen's, the house selected by him for his rentrde, was literally
crammed, particularly in the portions most affected by those who pay;
and it was evident from the commencement that those who have most
to do with an actor's success or failure-the occupants of "money
parts "-were warmly interested in the young actor whose name will
always be associated with the theatre in Long-acre. Almost unfor-
tunately so, for enthusiasm is contagious, and in the heat of the
moment Mr. Rignold exhibited too great a readiness to respond to
his friends in the gallery. Still, it is hard in these days of coldness
and set, studied speech that exception should be taken to a rare speci-
men of impulsiveness, even though the subject of it should be the
speaker's own self. So perhaps we ought to be thankful to Mr. Rignold
for the touch of nature, the reference to art, the pleasant recollection
of the past, and the promise for the future with which he enlivened
the Queen's and his audience the other night.
The piece selected by Mr. Rignold was Clancarty, a romantic drama
which has only recently been associated-and triumphantly, too-with
another house, and quite another set of actors. We venture to think
that this was a rather questionable choice, for many reasons. There
are so many who admire both Mr. Rignold and Mr. Neville, but who
have .never before thought the two should be compared-there are
so many other parts in which Mr. Rignold stands unrivalled-that we
cannot but regret the circumstances, whatever they may have been,
which led to Clancarty being the reopening drama. We have
departed from our general course, and referred to this matter at more
length than is usual with us, because of the undoubted admiration we
possess for the ability of Mr. Rignold; an admiration which makes
our regret the more deep at any false step he may take. That he
played the part of Donogh Macarthy admirably no one is likely to
deny; but had he played it even ten times better than he did he would
have failed to satisfy those critics who have formed their opinion of
the character under the direction of its original representative. Miss
Marie Henderson looked very pretty, and seemed quite at home as
Lady Betty Noel; and there was a very marked improvement in the
mannerism of Miss Barry, who was entrusted with the r6le of Lady
Clancarty. Remaining parts were all well filled, the Scum Goodman
of Mr. M'Intyre being especially worthy of commendation.
After the departure of the Lydia Thompson troupe and an interval
such as, happily for the stage, few London theatres experience, Mr.
and Mrs. Billington opened the Globe with Mr. Paul Mcritt's well-
tried and provincially prosperous drama, Rough and Ready. The
moral that 'tis good to be honest and true is well set forth in this
drama of modern life, and if the style of Mr. Meritt is a little more
robust than we are used to at West-end houses the fault is on the right
side, as we have been shown more than once recently. If the good
people were not quite so good, and the bad not quite so intolerably
mean, brutal, and selfish, we should be a little nearer nature; but we
musn't ask for too much all at once. Mr. and Mrs. Billington played
well and forcibly of course, and Miss E. Meyrick was very good; but
the surprise of the evening was a Mr. Jackson, who is quite a revela-
tion in the way of eccentricity. A Miss Dubois was, however, an
astonishment of quite another kind. We never saw the distinction
between opera-bouffe and legitimate-drama qualifications so clearly
marked before; but while thanking this young lady for the experience
she has given us, we must humbly submit that ability to sing a ballad
is one of the first essentials to success-at ballad singing.
WaY are Swedish gloves like naked babies ?-Because they're un-
[JULY 31, 1875.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 28, 1875.
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.
ST. SwrrITI sat at his garden gate
Counting his water-pipes,
Said he, "There's several burst of late;
Oh, won't they get some swipes !
For water, as mayhap you know,
Whene'er it falls goes down, below.
Upon my word you'll find it so."
The Saint still sat at his garden gate-
What's this ? a large balloon!
Said he-" Why here, as sure as fate,
Comes Will the Water-spoon."
And through the rain's incessant roar
Sir Wilfrid Lawson stepped ashore.
A pump he held, and nothing more.
(Sir Wilfrid strode to the garden gate,
An angry man was he.)
Good Saint, good Saint, you're tempting fate--
You'll be the death of me!
For if you give 'em rain so strong
They'll fly to drink, and not be wrong.
I should, indeed, myself ere long."
JUST before the close of the Session, at a time when the hurry of
members to get away from London enables Ministers to do almost as
they please, we are treated to another first-class specimen of Con-
servative muddling, at the hands of Mr. Cross of course, who seems
Io possess the eminently Tory faculty of spoiling almost everything
lie touches. It is stated now and again that the opinion of the work-
ing classes is divided with regard to what are collectively known as
thle Labour Laws. This may well be so, when we fearlessly state
that no member of the working classes-or of any other classes, for
the matter of that-is able to say that he thoroughly understands what
they mean, by themselves or together, or what is likely to be the effect
of them one upon the other. If the Employers and Workmen Bill, as
is said by those who profess to understand it, has placed employees on
a better footing than before, all the good that is done by that measure
is undone by the Conspiracy Bill, which is, at the same time, one of
the most contradictory and self-stultifying measures ever backed up
by a Conservative Ministry. It has, in fact, only been equalled in
modern times by some other specimens of insanity to be found in
this same batch of Labour Laws, which it would be folly for anyone
to attempt to criticise-if by criticism is meant a reasonable judgment
on a reasonable action. That these blundering and childish attempts
at legislation can stand for any length of time no one in his senses
believes; and so there is good prospect of a Session which will be spent
in cobbling up the mistakes which have been made in this. All
this is on that true Conservative principle which, like some fell disease,
crops up every now and again, and retards, if it does not destroy, the
fair progress of the country, and what are most essentially the
country's people. We should like to know what those recalcitrant
wiseacres, who desired and obtained a Conservative majority because
they were dissatisfied with or tired of the Gladstone Administration,
think of the political situation just now, when the Session of 1875 is
fast closing in upon us.
SINCE Mr. Frank Buckland killed the Telegraph's dog, got its dwarf
discharged, and Imocked its infuriated rhinoceros on the head, our
contemporary has gone in for considerable barking and boring on its
own account. The Teleqraph has evidently been waiting on" the
eccentric naturalist, as it now brings a deliberate charge against Mr.
Buckland of indirectly murdering the Zoological Society's elephant.
We have tried the Telegraph's story with salt, but prefer to attribute
the elephant's death to its having inadvertently taken into its mouth a
portion of the largest circulation in the world," the contents of which
it was unable to swallow. And so it choked and died.
WE are rather fond of novelties in diction, but when A Lady
Subscriber expresses her wish for the favour of having her letter
inserted in a certain daily newspaper, by asking the editor to venti-
late this effusion," we sulsmit that innovation has been carried to the
verge of corruption It would have been almost as elegant," quite as
correct, and far more simple, to have written Please, Mister, win-
now my gush."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON THE WEATHER.
ONCE there was a little feller, he went to London, with a lalef
crown tide up into his pocket hanchkief, for to get to be Lord Mayor.
And wen he was there a long time, and not Lord Mayor yet, he went
to his master and said wen was he agoin to make him a partner in the
form, so he wude be rich and be made Lord Mayor. Then his
master, which was a wicked man, he thot a wile, and then he said look
here, Tommy, cos that was the boys name, I have been a thinking a
bout that my own self, and I have dissided to take you in to the
concern first fine day. Then Tommy he said thanky, and went to his
work cheerfle, which was nailin boxes up. That was seventy 5
years ago, and that little feller is a nailin boxes up to this day, which
is a rainy day, and he keeps a sayn to hissef wen Ime a partner in the
concern Ile by me a new peg top, and some toffy, and all the rely
poly I want, and a catty pult to shoot at the Roil childern in the
railaway train, jest you wait til the first fine day And evry body is a
waiting real pashent, but the ducks is most contented.
Uncle Ned, which has been in Injy, and evry were, he says once it
rained forty days and forty nites, and drowned evry boddy but jest
a few which had made a bote and got in it and tuke in a cargo of live
stock for to kil and cat. And he says them kind of animals which was
et is now spoke of as tipes which is xtinct. Bime by the bote it got a
ground on a mountain, and wen the water was dride up the fokes thay
got out, and said to one a other wot mizzable wether we have been a
Here is a other story which my uncle Ned has tole me. One
time some heathens which was a havin a dry summer they all got to
gather a bout their big wooden idle to pray for rain, and fore thay got
done the- rain it be gan to come like fun And after a wile wen thay
had got a nufi it wudent stop coming, and pretty sne the water was
up to their kanees, and thay was a frade, so thay got to gather agin,
round their idle, to ask him w him wude be be good enough to stop it. But
wen they was all a sembled, with their trowsers roled up, and their
boots into their hands, like me and Billy wadin in Mister Jonnices
horse pond, and the services was a bout to begin, the idle, which was
under mined by the water, it wank its' eye and sunk down and doted
a way out of hearing. Them fellers got mity wet, I can tel you, fore
thay cude make a other idle for to stop that rain !
A heathen come to London one day and landed at London Bridge,
and first thing he kanew he come to the statue of King William, which
is near by, so he puld of his hat, and got down onto his kanecs, and
knocked his head against the pavement, cos he thot it was a idle.
Bime by he come to Mr. Peas body at the Roil Xchauge, and he done
it agin. Then he see the Pook of Whellington, and he done it some
more. Be fore tie that poor feller had formed so many devoshions
at so many srines he had all most knocked his brains out, and his
head was sweld up big as two heads, and he was took up for fighting.
And wile he was in jale with a raw beef stake tide onto his forred, and
some lint on his kanees, he said to hisself I never seen sech a country
as thisn-sech fritefle ugly gods, and sech a crime for to be pious
A Revolving Circumstance.
THE London correspondent of a North-country paper states that a
friend of his while taking a pedestrian trip among the Scotch moun-
tains met two American ladles doing likewise, each one armed with a
knapsack and revolver. It is sufficient for the story to have been told
by a London correspondent to account for its untruth, and yet there
is a good deal of reason about the revolving portion of the record. Not
only is a Colt a convenient companion on a journey, but there is
something about a revolver which commends itself to all who like the
cheap circular trips so much affected by tourists nowadays. Still,
we'd rather have a bottle of whisky-and so would, doubtless, the
London correspondent's friend- and his friend also.
Chandler's Shop Justice.
IT is authoritatively stated that the gentry of Spalding have signed
a memorial in which they testify to the "merciful and conscientious
manner" in which the Rev. E. Moore "has for years discharged his
unpaid duties." It only remains now to erect a statue to the worthy
magistrate upon the village green, crown him with a wreath of
geraniums, and present him with a kitchen colander in whisk the
quality of his future mercy may be carefully strained.
AMONG the numerous excitements in Sheffield just now is one about
a hymn which is to be sung by the local children at a forthcoming
festival. As it contains some reference to the Trinity, a Unitarian
Sunday-school teacher" writes to the Sheffield Teleygrofh to say that
he must protest against being asked to "learn his pupils that hymn.
Certainly, but after such an exhibition of learning we trust it will
be satisfactorily explained how he became a teacher."
JULY 31, 187.5.] FU N 47
AN ANGLIl"NG ANECDOTE.
TOLD BY 'WZLLIAM THE WAITER.
Now look at these fellows who sit in a boat,
A fool and a Imave I-would have you to note,
They think that they're learned in fishing.
Their fishing is novel, I-freely-admit,
And that's why I make!em the sport of my wit-
(Now then, there, get on-with the dishing.)
I'm only a waiter, but at our hbtel
You'll find, if you call that I'll treat you quite well-
Our house is much used by the anglers.
They come out to fish, and they eat and they drink,
They bullyrag me, at the barmaid they wink-
Get tight, and are then awful wranglers.
But now to my story. These men in the punt
Came down, as they called it, for salmon to hunt,
Not knowing no salmon were handy.
They got out their tackle by Teddington Lock,
And opened proceedings with seltzer and hock
Oft varied with soda and brandy.
These fellows had heard when for salmon you fish,
You must drink what you would were the salmon on dish
And served with the sauce that's in season.
So they drank and they smoked, and thought, Well, this is odd,
We haven't caught even so much as a cod,
And yet we've done all that's in reason."
Thought the knave, Well, I know why the fish cannot bite,
This fool of a fisher won't do what is right,
I'll teach him the way in a twinkle.
The hook he slipped off while his friend was ashore
(Refreshing from labour and having a snore),
And he just by the float put a winkle.
Then Folly returned, and the knave went on land
To chuckle and crow o'er the fun that he'd planned,
While the fool with his brains had a tussle.
And all in good fellowship deeply he thought
That the way all good salmon prefer to be caught
Was by means of a !well-pickled mussel.
No sooner 'twas settled than off came the bait
From the hook of the -knave-lo the change it was great-
The mussel was on in a minute.
And the pair, who expected to make a great show,
Were disgusted to find that it all was no go:
Thought they, Why the devil is in it."
When they'd done for the day, and come up to the house,
They explained that their" form" was best shown at the grouse,
Unless 'twas-of course-at fox-hunting.
They boasted and talked about shooting, and birds,
Just the same as on fishing they'd wasted their words
Before they had tried a day's punting.
Though only a waiter, I reason at times,
Which accounts for the fact that I've written these rhymes
To show you the vainness of duffers.
Such men always boast of the sport that's away:
When fishing, they wish they were shooting all day;
When shooting 'tis fishing that suffers.
If, when fishing, they talk of the way they can shoot,
When they're shooting they talk of the saddle and boot,
Of hurdles and steeples and chases;
But whatever they're at, sure they always do wrong,
So I trust I've shown reason so far for my song
About these two sporting disgraces.
Still my principal object's a moral to trace,
And I think that I've shown that a fool in the race
That we run may be quits with a traitor.
(I fancy I've rambled a bit o'er my task,
But'when you're up the river I hope that you'll ask
For William, that's me, the 'ed waiter.)
Blue Gfbi,, Ba'rnslak, 1875.
"Reductio ad Absurdttm."
DO'TBTLESS, Captain Pearse is, by this time, as sorry as his friends
can be about the absurd speech made by him at' Wimbledon in the
first flush of victory. But as there are shallow-pated idiots galore
always proud to repeat what a prominent man has said long after he
himself has repented of saying it, we should like to ask whether
Captain Pearse imagined that he, and he alone, of -all the competitors,
was truly religious, and whether his companions in arms were
supposed by him to be heathens as well as,. for the time being, Com-
moners. His reference to the Bible seemed based 'on' the assumption
that no one else had ever heard of it; and his comparison of it with
teetotalism was about as odorous as even comparison can be made.
But perhaps some good may come out of a silly speech. The practice
of expecting a few words upon' any and every' occasion requires to
be cheeked. Speechmaking has just been reduced to the deadest level
of absurdity by Captain Pearse-lets 'hope we shall have no more of
it except where it is necessary. As'a ?gentleman, who might have got
a good prize but for the gallant eaptain,-said, '" If he was so strong on
his particular Bible, why the diekensididrn't he try and fire a round or
two with it ?" We know; but we're not going to tell for nothing.
THE _ottinghalm Journal has been giving its readers another taste of
the truly rural, as well as the sincerely local, in journalism. In
reference to a cricket match it says:-" The entire proceeds are
for the benefit of the late Isaac Johnson, who is left totally unprovided
for, and it is to be hoped for so good and deserving an object, there
'will be a largo attendance." Good and deserving, indeed for if the
late Isaac has but settled the knotty problem how to receive the
amount collected, he confers a benefit as well as receives one. Our
own Fiend, who has been troubled in his mind on this subject for a
long time, will be happy to exchange communications and testimonials
with the binfficiaire. Particularly testimonials, which are running
scarce in Fleet-street just now. All letters must be prepaid.
A Novel Prospect.
A GENTLEMAN who gives as qualification that he is well up in
manufacturing accounts" advertises for a book-keeper's situation.
With such valuable abilities it is difficult to decide where advertiser is
most likely to have his first interview with the Lord Mayor-at the
Court as a petty larcenist, or in the Grand Banquet Hall as a great
financier. 'Tis the magnitude of mind which works the principal
difference in the two pursuits. Let us wait, and wonder. One of
these days, either in a speech after dinner or a confession after con-
viction, our patience may be rewarded.
A Friend in Leeds.
THE Duchess of Leeds has been nominated as a candidate for the
school board of Stapleford. The duchess is said to take great interest
in the training of youth, and her election will be welcome to those
who advocate music as an item in compulsory education. The
children of Stapleford will, at all events, have their friendly Leeds.
THE indefatigable management at Alexandra Palace has started a
course of summer evening promenade concerts, which, like all the
other attempts at Muswell Hill is, if not altogether successful,
certainly satisfactory. The series is to be entitled The St. Swithin
48 F U N FJULY 31. 1876.
A WELL-DESERVED CORRECTION.
Justice Shallow :-" MARY HOPKINS, I DISTINCTLY SAW THAT YOUTHFUL RUFFIAN YOU ARE NURSING LOOK AT MY CHERRY-TREES THIS
MORNING. I WARN YOU THAT SHOULD I EVER CATCH HIM picking ONE CHERRY, I WILL GIVE HIM THREE MONTHS' HARD LABOUR, AND POUR
YEARS IN A REFORMATORY "
Rev. Samuel Maudlin: -" AND WE WILL FLOG HIM THREE TIMES DURING THAT PERIOD, FOR I TAKE THOUGHT FOR HIS SOUL "
M. ff. :-" THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YER KINDNESS, GENTLEMEN; LEASTWAYS, I SHOULD SAY YOUR WORSHIPS; I REALLY BEG
PARDON-I MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I CALLED YOU GENTLEMEN !"
THE following list is believed to comprise most of those articles
which are indispensable to comfort and safety in walking in the streets
Set of surgical instruments for use by sympathising by-standers
when you have been run down by a cab.
Helmet to resist falling bricks.
Splints on the ankles to prevent dislocation in stepping on orange-
peel, or clammy posters washed from hoardings by the rain.
Small pocket mirror to show if there are any unconsidered bits of
climate adhering to the nose.
Instrument (of unknown name and shape) with which to extract
cinders from the eye.
Small furnace, which may readily be set up on any open space, for
heating an iron to apply to the bitten place after an interview with a
Written "characters" from your butcher, baker, and laundress, to
show at the police-station when you have been given in charge by a
tramp or costermonger.
Asafetida with which to craze the nose of a constable smelling you
Handcuffs, manacles, and a gag, to be worn in railway trains when
there is a strange woman in the same compartment with you. These
articles belong, properly, to another list; you cannot very well walk
in the streets of London" in a railway carriage.
A remarkably tall hat, from the top of which to descry the approach
of noiseless bicycles." To be worn over the brick-resisting helmet
Rockets, blue-lights, and Roman candles, to avert collisions with
perambulators and Pickford's vans.
Minute-guns---Admiralty pattern-for same purpose.
Learned solicitor to protect you from learned solicitrix.
Cordon of bull-dogs to keep off taper-merchants.
Grapnel to reclaim fugitive pickpocket in case you wish to consult
Text-book on logic to enable you to argue it out with the man whom
you meet in a narrow passage, and who tosses up his umbrella at the
same instant that you toss up yours.
Steel collar, with or without spikes, to discourage the uncalculating
LORD JOHN MANNERS recently gave a musical party at his residence.
The programme consisted of the following items :-
That's the sorter man I am.
Stamp, stamp, stamp, my boys, keep stamping. (Chorus.)
The Slave Driver. (ffNgger song and breakdown by Lord John.)
The Belles of St. Martin's. (By a lady clerk.)
Rules and Regulations. (Concerted piece.)
Fie for Shame (Chorus by G. P. O.-General Public Opinion.)
Refreshments, consisting of preserved nobility, sack, and bottled
postmen, were handed round at intervals, and the entertainment con-
cluded with supper d la mail carte.
SHOOTING STARs.--Wimbledon prize-winners.
1 I--,JIT. -JULY 31, 1875.
ALLIES OR RIVALS?
St. Swithin:-" SURE YOU CAN APPRECIATE MY PERFORMANCE, SIR; NOTHING LIKE WATER, IS THERE ?"
St. Wilfrid of Lawson:-" YES; BUT YOU GIVE PEOPLE SO MUCE OF IT OUTSIDE, THAT I'VE GOT NO CHANCE
WHEN I RECOMMEND IT FOR INTERNAL APPLICATION."
JULY 31, 1875.]
A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
SOMEWHERE or other in History's page
I've read that when poets were all the rage,
(Oh, History, thou detractor !)
They'd only to scribble a puff in verse,
To make them free of the house and purse
Of a titled benefactor.
What halcyon days they must have been,
When lords were ready to step between
The bard and slow starvation;
When a poet had only to praise a peer,
To earn a couple of thou a year
And a Government situation.
The bard may struggle and fight to-day
And charm the town with his tuneful lay,
No hand is stretched to aid him;
He sells his song to the trading crew,
Who hand him a paltry pound or two
And think they've overpaid him.
Yet now, my brothers, our pens are free,
We flatter no ninny of high degree,
Because his favours pay so.
No titled patron's help we crave,
And if we think that a nob's a knave,
We've every right to say so.
Let Fortune's wheel bring ceaseless blanks,
Let Destiny play her wildest pranks,
And Misery come to try us;
We're better by far than the bards of old-
By many a man we may be sold,
But nobody's wealth can buy us.
MARGATE appears to have been thrown into a great
state of comocean about the arrival of its illustrious
visitors, though, as long as i'e can remember, "The
Prince of Wales" has constantly been running there
during the season.
Taken at the Flood.
A GENTLEMAN in Paris is blacking boots for the
benefit of the sufferers by the recent floods. Here in
London we have many gentlemen who actually lick boots
for much smaller, though certainly less disinterested,
3 -- - -- -- '. .- *
"QUIS CUSTODIET? "
Over-dressed Swell :-" Now THEN, YOU BOYS, IF YOU naNz. LEZAE Wf
DIaECTLY,, I'LL THRASH YOU BOTH."
Small Boy (artfully) :-" No, SIR; YOU THRASH IIIM1 AND rET me HOLD YOUR
Ti[ATthenumerous whales recently observed near our shores have come
to escort their Prince to India. That an expedition is being fitted out
with fog-horns, magnesium lights, and steam hammers, to discover the
meaning of Mr. Cross's Labour Laws. That Mr. Bright has entered
into arrangements with the London and Provincial Press to supply
them with letters on the Tichborne case and other topics of interest
during the dead season. That Mr. Chatterton has applied to the Vice-
Chancellor to injunct the public from going to any theatre not under
his management. That Ward Beecher has been offered 100,000 by
Barnum to tour England. That W. B. has accepted on condition that
Theodore allows Elizabeth to come with him. That the young ladies
of Clapham have formed a local committee to aid in securing a public
monument to the author of "Don Juan." That the Prince of Wales
purchased two penn'orth of winkles at Margate in order to present
them as valuable curiosities to his Eastern hosts. That in consequence
of the vigorous protest of Messrs. Macdonald and Burt the sum thus
expended will come out of the Prince's private purse. That Mr.
Barry Sullivan has a work in the Press entitled "Farewell, a Long
Farewell; and How to arrange It." That the Daily Telegraph has
engaged the whole of the discharged keepers at the Zoological to con-
tribute articles upon the conduct of Mr. Frank Buckland. That
Colonel Mapleson intends to give a short season of military spectacular
drama at Drury Lane, and will play all the conquering heroes him-
self. That Mr. John Hollingshead and Mr. Alsager Hay Hill are
about to start a People's Balloon Company between them. Shares
fourpence each, including a sandwich and a glass of ale. That
"Dewdrops" and the weather have agreed to dry up."
THE Earl of Cork has, we understand, been invited to join the
temperance movement. What better than a cork to stop the bottle ?
Very Hard Cash."
Ma. CHARLES READE, who is commonly regarded as a master of
vigorous Saxon, but is in reality mastered by it, has contributed to the
Pall Mall Gazette a series of sound and sounding opinions on copy-
right. Mr. Reade proposes to prove to the satisfaction of the Anglo-
Saxon race" that copyright is not a monopoly, and to this end offers
to bet one hundred and fifty pounds to fifty that it is property. He
even designates referees-Lord Selborne, Mr. Robert Lowe, and Mr.
Fitzjames Stephen-who, we presume, are delighted with the compl-
ment. If any gentleman," says the terrible Mr. Reade, "takes up,
this bet, I will ask him to do it publicly by letter to the Pall Mall
Gazette, and we will then proceed to deposit the stakes," &c. We are
incited by envy, malice, and the spirit of all uncharitableness, to
inquire-Why is the Pall Mall Gazette permitted to publish batting
advertisements with impunity, while for doing the same thing, the
proprietors of other sporting papers are heavily fined ? Answers a.r
requested from readers by whom the above mentioned motives, ate
"Arms and the Man."
THE Rev. R. C. Gibson, of West Luttingfield, is in custody on the
charge of shooting at his groom with a revolver. It is the earnest
wish of all rightminded people that the Church should extend htr
arms to the lower classes, but the Rev. Gibson, according.to the report,
has overshot the mark.
A SOLDIER has been sentenced to three months' imprisonment for
stealing an officer's umbrella. This is hard: on a man who merely
armed., himself with the only weapon of any use against, the enemy
who was driving our auxiliaryforces from the field-the-amin, Under
the circumstances he had a. right to expect more, quarter than three
[JrLY 31, 1875.
THE END OF THE JOURNEY.
The Giant Tortoise (who was caught over seventy years ago, but who is still quite a baby) is introduced to his future companions at the Zoo. His
trunk is carried behind him, as a mark of reverse-arms" respect to the dear departed Chunee, and his path is strewn with flowers.
New Arrival:-" LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DELIGHTED, I'M SURE. IT HAS BEEN SAID OF ME THAT I'M SLOW. BUT I'M SURE, VERY
SURE ; AND WHAT I WANT MOST TO KNOW IS, Where's that hare ? IF HE HASN'T ARRIVED YET I VE WON THE WAGER. I GUESS FROM WHAT
I'VE READ NOW AND AGAIN IN THE PAPERS, THAT HE GATE UP MANY YEARS AGO-BUT EASY DOES IT, AND HERE I AM!"
[ When last seen the tortoise was singing :-
'Tis many years since off with speed That hare made tracks in racing style And so it is in human life-
That famous hare and I 'Twould do Rous good to see, The plodder gains the day,
Set out-he took an awful lead, And when we'd gone about a mile Although at outset of the strife
But now I've passed him by. It seemed all up with me. He seems to make no way.
So list, oh list, and hold your whist, But sure and slow, I am, you know : The race that's long is for the strong
And I will tell you why. I'm here-and where is he ? And steady-not the gay.
DOTS AND LINES.
MR. CRoss has arranged the future positions of working men in this
country. We trust they will be thankful and learn to keep their
place." = Debate on the Submarine Tunnel in the French Chamber.
Oh, that some of our M.P.s could be sent to debate in it. Hurry up,
brave builders! = Mr. Bright makes passing allusion to Mr. Whalley.
But why assume that the Peterborough M.P. can have anything on
the brain ?" = Apropos of this and some performances in the House, it
is proposed to alter the reading of an old proverb in future-" Answer
a fool according to his Whalley." = Unexpected death of Sir Frederick
Arrow, Deputy Master of the Trinity House. Ought not to have been, as
Arrows always go off suddenly. = Report of a "masterly strategic
movement" by the Carlist troops. Same report from other side.
Both deserve the credit, each having quite scientifically managed to
avoid the other. That's the sort of manmouvrers they are! = Close
of the Wimbledon campaign. Unsuccessful competitors for the
Queen's Prize will train in future at the Sunday-schools in their
respective neighborhoods. Bible-class Brigade expected to be very
strong next year. = Elopement in low life." Quite a change from
the usual announcement Captain Boyton engages thirty steamers to
accompany him on a "gate money" trip up the river. In the interests
of humanity he charges about six times the usual fare. But metropolitan
humanity doesn't seem to see it, and prefers to look on from the
shore. = Mr. Newdegate comes to the rescue of the House's dignity.
A fitting corollary to such a movement is found in the remarks of his
seconder, the particularly dignified Whalley. = Sporting return says,
"Wilkinson, Idle, was winner of the great Sheffield handicap."
Surely such an undeserved stigma will be removed from this pedestrian's
A'verse from it.
THE goods of a deceased gentleman named Kelly are to go to the
Crown because he left them in a poetical will to a wife who was no
more. Unable after his spouse's decease to find another relation to
rhyme correctly with life," he let his codicil stand and be invalid,
rather than betray himself into a vulgarism in verse. Had he only
been a recognized bard instead of a nameless versifier he would have
boldly faced the difficulty and written:-
I leave my goods to those relations who may survive
To be theirs for the rest of their natural life."
Thousands of educated men would then have quoted the lines as
examples of perfection in rhyme and metre.
Mus. PBALAMOP understands as them furrin Frenchfolks calls water
low; she thinks, considering recent events, as 'igh ud be a better name
for the article.
JULY 31, 1875.]
fifty men and one lady only-the Duchess. "Now!" she thought;
A DAUGHTER'S DUTY. "lie ut notice her!" But no ;-he waltzed, polked and giloped.
A DOMESTIC STORY OF THRILLING INTEREST. with every gentleman in the room, but the Duchess he did noit ook, at.
SNay, even the Duchess slyly stole his handkerchief from his tail-
O UB T had long filled the pocket, thinking to induce him to enter with her into the charming
mind of Blanche as to how and intellectual mirth which such a proceeding cannot fail to give rise
So^ / she should settle and provide to. He actually went and fetched another!
for her father to the best Now, it seemed at last that the time for gentle remonstrance had
advantage. Fathers," she gone for ever, and that it had become the obvious duty of Blanche to
said, and with great truth,, exert the natural authority of a daughter. She took her father by
"after they have passed a the button-hole and led him to a corner.
1.. certain age, become an in- "Pa she said; I forbid you, from this moment, to dane8. with
ecumbrance on the hands of anyone but the Duchess; your unfeeling conduct makes me shudder'
their offspring ; it is there- Obey my injunctions, or I cast you off-I discard you for ever!'. As
fore the duty of every right- he listened, unwilling, to the still kind and affectionate voice, a
/ minded daughter upon whom feeling of his unworthiness and ingratitude came over him, and lie
-,' ,, |. v 5 Providence has bestowed a resolved to reform.
Swidwer father to do her best He went and asked the Duchess to dance with him-a squark
to, procure for him some dance. She refused! The human soul will revolt when it feels its
kind of settlement, however trials too great for endurance. The Duchess had borne his sligihte
--- 1- f humble, in- which he may and neglect but too long, and now-now-when he cams. half-
feel himself independent and muwilling, to mock her with the proffer of a square dance-her spirit
S happy, and, at the. same rose, and she threw everything within.her reach at his worthless head,
time, may free his child or .and swooned.
children from that restraint which the necessity. of protecting, and Sometime after, the wretched father, cherishingan absorbingaffection
providing for a parent cannot fail to impose." Blanche's keen for the. family laun-
intellect was not slow to perceive a way through the seeming difficulty in. dresswas discovered by
which- she was placed. She gave a ball, and invited a Duchess. Blanche in the act of as-
The ball was a perfect success. The wit, the. beauty, the fashion of listing that hireling in \-
the metropolis filled every corner of the spacious rooms. Light- the execution of her du-
lhartedness and propriety, meeting half way, joined hand in hand to ties. It was the last
sip the inspiring lemonade and revel in the boisterous. biscuit. Yet straw. Blanche sum-
there was little enjoyment for Blanche. Few, who have not experi- monedher father to her L -/
need such things, can know the stifling sense of martyrdoe that the presence. Do you
cruel conduct of a refractory parent brings to the heart, of a child; and think" she inquired O
Blanche learned by degrees---none the less terrible and harrowing by with severity, eyeing the o
their degree-dation to feel the sting wrought by the undatiful and trembling culprit, do
thoughtless behaviour of her father. He would: dance wift all the you think, it consistent,
beautiful young ladies in the room-ha would not ever take the with your duty as a pa-
Duchess down to supper. rent to set suchan exam-- .
le sat out three con- ple as you .are setting-?
secutive dances with a Twice have I caught you
lovely creature of nine- two hanging the same
teen, and talked for towel on the line, and twice have I found you washing socks in the
nearly twelve minutes ame tub. This must not be You are no longer a father of Ins-
to the young person me to help Go Blighted and ashamed, the miserable man left the presence e
who had come to help his infuriated daughter and hid himself, disguised as a toadstool, in a
the ladies with their s swamp, whence, after weeks of vacillation, he sought, under the cover
cloaks. The Duchess of night, the wild mazes of Clapham Junction, with the intentfeM of
Eat in a corner, alone / taking a ticket to New Zealand. lie had nothing under a 500-note.
and deserted, butas g in vain, which he proffered, and a haughty and supercilious youth at No 555555
peatedly, but in vain, gave him all his change in halfpence. The abandoned father's next
for an ice, or even the \ proceeding was to attempt the hopeless task of finding- his-platform ;-
smallest scrap of sand- half mad with grief for his lost home, dizzy with counting, his change,
wich. All Blanche's and encumbered by its weight, it is almost unnecessary to say he lost
neat little arrangements himself. There is little more to relate, and this portion of a sad, sad
for leaving her father story is complete. After weary months of foot-sore wandering,
and the Duchess in the conservatory together-all her scheming to that weary man, now grey with toil, ventured with unoxamplteda.aoin
place a dish of bon-bon crackers between them at supper-were to ask his way a second time, when he wasinstantly.choppedinto very
useless. The Duchess couldn't get down to supper-there was small pieces by a justly-enraged official. Thus did the unhappy
nobody to take her; and at length she went away, after putting on father perish,-an awful warning to fathers who disregard the. rasom..
her opera cloak with her own hands. But Blanche's resources were able wishes of their offspring.
not yet exhausted. Making a list of all the ladies sheknew, older and Blanche, sorrowing for the loss of a parent, whom, however
still less attractive than the Duchess, she invited them all to meet that unworthy, she had fondly loved, vowed to devote the rest of her life to
scion of nobility at another ball, from which all ladies under 59 were the Duchess. For months and months she sought her, but she.had
rigidly excluded. In vain! So far from paying any attention to the changed her address, and none knew whither she. had gone. At -ht
Duchess, the troublesome parent was discovered late in the evening one morning Blanche received a begging letter. She glanced at the
with his arm around writing, and started. She read the letter, and,, flushed with hope,
an indigent deaf old dashed down stairs. She was not mistaken-it was the Duchess!
lady of eighty three. She had become a begging-letter writer, and, in pursuance of her
This was indeed a
shock; but thndeson a vow, Blanche has to act as her amanuensis;, and I hope she likes it.
will and earnest determi-
V nation of Blanche were, A MUTUAL VICTORY.
still further to y esta of JONES, tired of nagging with his wife, has fled-
despair should enter hera At the Antipodes he "hangs his head "
mind. Still patient-still Yet smiles-and she smiles-for their strife ispast,
kind and indulgent And each has t'other "under foot" at last !
-., / to the father who had
caused her so much A Specie-ous Argument.
S' anxiety-she resolved to TuE gentleman who attributed his inability to keep his equilibrium,
S' give him one more trial; when returning from a dinner party, to the fact that he always kept
S, '' she gave yetanother ball, his balance at his bank, now declares that losing it there haa. made
to which she invited him very steady.
[JULY 31, 1875.
lig-footed Old Gentleman :-" Boy, CAN YOU CLEAN MY BOOTS ? "
Sharp Boy:-" I'LL TRY, IF YOU'LL ONLY PUT HALF AT A TIME ON MY BOX!" [Aside :-" FEET YOU CALL 'EM-I SHOULD 'A SAID
HEIGHTEEN INCHES, AND NO CHANGE OUT. YOU 'AS TO 'AVE y ur BOOTS MADE TO MEASURE, AND LOTS OF IT, I'LL BET! "I
WE note that several writers, commenting on the extraordinary scene
in the House last Thursday evening, have lost sight of the most
important part of the question at issue. While regretting much Mr.
Plimsoll's unfortunate ebullition of temper, we cannot see that it
should give much cause for surprise. Rather should the action of
a Conservative Minister, who for reasons which will not bear the light
sacrifices a most important measure, and by so doing sacrifices also
many thousands of valuable lives, be made matter of deep scrutiny and
consequent obloquy. Even without reference to the importance, to the
people of England, of the Bill that has been burked, we think that
attempts to parade the dignity of the House signally fail, while semi-
idiots and complete monomaniacs are allowed to jabber and gesticulate
in the manner now quite proverbial of them in the sacred Senate.
Not that they impede the progress of business-these are not the days
of progress, Reaction it is that reigns supreme at St. Stephen's. But
then, backward movement always was, is, and will be the good sound
Conservative notion of progress-for the people.
RIVAL MONTHs.-The Wimbledon correspondent of a daily con-
temporary recently remarked that the Volunteers were much indebted
to the arrangements of Captain Mildmay. Mild-may undoubtedly did
his level best, but he wasn't a match for rough July.
The Fun of the Phare.
ACCORDING to the Phare de Bosphore the Grand Vizier of Turkey is
applying himself vigorously to the financial reformation of his country.
As a first step he has cut down the enormous salaries of Government
officials, commencing with his own. The Phare of the Bosphorus
does not add "That's the Boss-for-us!" but without any great breach of
journalistic etiquette it might.
A Naughty Man-ager.
A PROVINCIAL journal has some very severe remarks upon the "terrific
manager of a certain railway. From the fact that there have been
notably fewer passengers slain, mangled, and terrified on that line than
on most others, we infer that our contemporary must have intended to
use a milder and juster epithet-" traffic," for example.
THE gentlemen who conveyed the English gold to Toulouse wore
entertained by the authorities at a banquet. As there wasn't a dry
bank to be found in the district the bad taste of the thing must be
pardoned. Strange the loosening of an Englishman's purse always
entails the filling of his stomach.
WATERS 'UNE W
SWE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."- Standard.
"I find it to be a veryuseful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Hassal, M.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.-WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP E -
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phmix Works, St Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Propnrietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, July 31, 1875.
AvOUST 7, 1875.] FU N 55
CAPTURE of a
young shark in the
jersey. As it was
only short distance
from the ladies'
bathing place the
catch was considered
a Merseyful di s-
pensation of Pro-
vidence. = Captain
Boyton robbed by
his servant. What
a scoundrel, to take
fr om humanity's
best friend! Next
he'll be robbing a
meetings all over
the country. Con-
sickens visibly. =
Grave doubts con-
tinue to be expressed
as to the personality
of Satan. This is
indeed a sudden and
of most rabid repub-
licanism. = Prince
of Wales is expected
to set out for India
in the middle of Oc-
tober. There will
probably be much
spouting on that oc-
casion, as is natural
among such strange
fish. = Close of the
of the Ministry. =
Execution of a brutal
and ruffianly mur-
derer. Of course
"the culprit was
quite resigned, and
admitted the justice
of the sentence,"
etc., etc. = New
route arranged to
tunnel to be put
necessary at a mo-
Haden burial ques-
tion settled. Au-
thorities decide that
coffin ships offer the
least possible resist-
ance to anything,
and nobody need
fear they will keep
dead or living bodies
in them at all too
Precise Old Aunt:-" IT's NO vSE, EMILY; I SHOULD NEVER ALTER MY OPINION OF
THE YOUNG MAN, NOT IF YOU WERE TO CONVINCE ME EVER 80 MUCH. I DON'T LIKE HIMI,
AND EVEN WILD HORSES COULDN'T MAKE ME "
chase and capture of
a lunatic." Why
should one in par-
ticular, of all the
lunatics that are at
large, be singled out
for this distinction ?
= The minimum
age of a Spanish
senator is in future
to be thirty-five
years. No limit has
as yet been made for
Spanish onions. =
Great suspension of
Not sus per coll. Only
for a million ster-
ling. We are in-
formed that Council-
man Hamshop, of
Margate, told the
that Margate was a
healthyy place, and 'e
'oped the hair agreed
with 'er. It is not
true that she said
his "'am was hex-
route to the Con-
tinent has been
opened with flourish
of paragrams and
waving of pictu-
reports. Any new
way out of England
is welcome while
sway its destinies,
but the Continental
route we are most
anxious about seems
as far off as ever.
We shan't die happy
till we get a straight
road to Bismarck's
conscience. Pro -
bably the difficulty
of finding the ter-
minus stops the way.
THE Carlists are
reported to be
"broken up." Spain
has so long been
overrun with their
wars she will be
delighted to be
strewn with their
IT has been discovered by a German savant that the Japanese have
double cheekbones united by a suture. Another account represents
them as having only the same number of bones as other races, but
rather more cheek, and says nothing about sutures: so it is all a fog,
and we must await further investigations. After all, it does not seem
to be anybody's business but his own whether a Jap has four cheek-
bones or only two, if he came honestly by such as he has. Most
people, we believe, get such things by jawbery.
MOTTO FOR A CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT.-Bill Stickers Be-
Hoist with his own -"
Ax engineer produced a revolver recently as evidence of his sobriety
when a barman declined to serve him on the score of sufficient
ballast." As this engineer's name was Pattern, it may be as well, in
case others are inclined to follow him, to state that the Marlborough-
street magistrate charged him just thirty-five shillings for calling on
his witness outside the proper precincts of the Courthouse.
THE Prince of Wales is going to Southampton to select the
decorations for the Seropis. The saloon-orations will probably be
manufactured in London.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 4, 1875.
WHEN great Disraeli rose in awful might,
And anger clothed his erewhile placid brow,
Poor Plimsoll's friends were in an awful fright;
Thought they, He's sure to catch it warm just now!
How sad it is that our unthinking friend
Should bring good cause to such a grievous end!"
When round the House indignant murmurs ran,
And straitlaced members thought themselves undone,
'Twas urged that this unpleasant Plimsoll man
Had in his zeal discretion overrun.
Then old Conservatives stood quite, amazed
And thought, This Plimsoll is most surely crazed! "
But far above the petty squeak of spite
The Nation's voice is heard distinct and plain;
The Nation's voice proclaims aloud for right,
And Tory tribulation's all in vain.
Go on then. Plimsoll-steadfast, free from fears-
On you all England smiles through joyous tears.
No one-not even the sternest denouncer of our sailors' wrongs-
can take exception to the manner in which Mr. Plimsoll made the
amended for his outburst of temper. It is only right that while claim-
ing for this honest and honourable gentleman every consideration, we
should admit the necessity of strict decorum in ourHouse of Commons.
At the same time it must not be forgotten that Mr. Disraeli's present
effort to conciliate the people would not have been made had they
remained passive under the injurious attempts at class legislation of
which the withdrawal of the Merchant Shipping Bill was the latest
specimen. And had it not .been for Mr. Plimsoll's indignant outburst
the sympathetic feeling which has resulted in the coercion of a tardy
Conservative Ministry would have had no existence. We must, there-
fore, while admitting the House's claim on an apology, be grateful
for the offence, which, if it does nothing else, has succeeded in open-
ing the eyes of a large section of the people as to the value of a
Ministry which could criticise so well while out of office, and which
fails so dismally now it has the opportunity of which it was to make
so much. For the stop-gap attempt at legislation introduced by Sir C.
Adderley we can say but little, beyond that in itself it proves how gross
and unnatural was the offence, so calmly contemplated by Mr.Disraeli, of
leaving human lives to be sacrificed wholesale in the interests of pro-
prietorial rights. It is folly to assume that the Premier would have
made even what "concession" he has, had he not been driven to
do so by an outraged nation's cry for justice. And by his now con-
ceding" to pressure what he should have given to honour and good
faith, he openly admits the grievous error into which his Conservative
appreciation of property led him. So far the people have shown their
keenness in deciding, when roused, between right and wrong. Let
us hope that Mr. Plimsoll has but struck the key-note of a series of
inquiries which will expose the true principle of Conservative
reaction, and leave those whose dependence is on so rotten a stick,
utterly, and for all time, confounded.
TrIM was when youths on mischief bent,
Who'd money, but no brains, to spare,
To hear vile cases slily went
To some low den by Leicester-square.
Each cause that won a foul renown
In courts of law was, ev'ry night,
By mountebanks in wig and gown,
Dished up for their unclean delight.
To-day our City boasts a place
Where maids as well as men may sit,
And hear a vile unsav'ry case
Reviewed with many a spicy hit.
The elder house was old and gay,
The younger house is grave and new;
But in the stuff which they purvey,
There's not much difference twixtt the two.
A iESPECTAALE but otherwise inoffensive female rushed at Jones in
Doctors' Commons the other day and said, Please, sir, St. Andrew's
'ill! "I thought he was dead !" said Jones; and they parted for ever.
[AUGUST 7, 1875.
SOMETHING NEW IN NOVELS.
IT was in the merry month of November that Mr. Halcyon Dotle
set out for London. Mr. Dotle, I would wish to explain, was a
lunatic. Born of poor but maniacal parents, he had been reared
alternately in the workhouse and the asylum, contracting in the one
habits of scrupulous famine, and in the other acquiring the graces of
polite nonsense imposed upon a solid intellectual substratum of
insanity. In his travels between the two he had mastered the science,
and habitually practised the art, of becoming imperially drunk.
Altogether, Mr. Dotle was quito a character. In person he was
about six feet long, forked, and had a knob at the extremity
commonly uppermost. Loosely connected with the superior portion
of his body were two arms, the free ends of which were curiously
flattened, and expired weakly in small ramifications. At the date of
our story Mr. Dotle's age was variously estimated.
He had arrived at Reading, when the train by which he was
travelling came to a sudden stop-the driver had shut off the steam!
The scene was indescribable. Passengers poured out of the carriages
on to the platform, and ran about in wild confusion. People who had
not seen one another for weeks met and kissed. There were excited
inquiries for baby. Porters struggled under piles of crushing luggage,
from which they were with difficulty released by succouring cabmen.
Dashing madly about the station, propounding insoluble conundrums
and flourishing wild umbrellas, were numbers of old gentlemen who
had escaped with life, but apparently without much sense. It was
indeed a dreadful scene!
Serene and undisturbed upon a wicker coffin sat a smiling maid.
In the midst of confusion and terror she alone was composed. She
had a kind of dewy freshness in her eyes, and fragrant zephyrs in her
hair. Her pulses beat with purling limpidity, regularly as clock-work.
Marie d'Unker had a soul above danger.
She was the daughter of an earl and a countess-was, in fact a
mongrel. Brought up in the seclusion of a country mansion she was
singularly diffident, but not mean; she would reply when spoken to.
In early childhood she had had the misfortune to assassinate her
father, and the recollection had given a kind of melancholy sweetness
to what would otherwise have been a vivacious temperament.
Several subsequent murders had rather deepened than removed this
peculiarity. Her personal appearance it is impossible to describe;
owing to her habit of wearing clothing, boots, and gloves, only her
neck and face were visible. The latter was rendered piquant by
occasional gleams of crime.
Mr. Dotle hadescaped unhurt, and stood directly in front of the fair
being on the wicker coffin. Suddenly he saw her. She saw him.
They saw one another. In that brief moment-in the twinkling of
an eye-the fate of these two souls was decided. Famine and insanity
met opulence and crime. Supreme conjunction of opposites! Im-
mortal collocation of the novelists materials! Mr. Dotlo dashed
himself upon the platform at the lady's feet, and, in words half
inarticulate from the fervour of his passion, begged that he might be
permitted to devour the contents of the wicker coffin upon which she
sat. The lady sprang upon him with unexampled fury, throttled him,
and threw him, half-strangled, beneath the wheels of the now moving
train, where he was ground to powder! Then, lifting upon her
shoulder the coffin containing a previous victim, she gave up her ticket
at the gate, and went away from there.
With a hero and a heroine more fortunately selected we might
have had a nice quiet wedding.
"Posting the Coal."
IT would be well to know the motives which actuated the magisterial
mind of Marlborough-street with regard to a recent case. A gentle-
man" was sentenced to six weeks' imprisonment for four aggravated
assaults, but later in the day Mr. Newton took pity on his quality,
and substituted a fine, which was of course paid. The only reason
given in the reports for this is, that defendant was a colliery proprietor.
Can it be that the natural connection, bound to exist in a house-
holder's mind, between "fine" and coals, caused the worthy one to
prefer that the colliery proprietor should down with his dust ? "
We pause for a reply before indulging our readers with any slates"
on the subject.
On the Line.
A LONDON CORRIESPONDENT" describes a certain lady as possessed
of such personal attractions as make her a fine and satisfying picture."
It would be something of a surprise to this "picture" to know that
she had been "hung" by a penny-aligner.
SHOULDn the Colorado Potato Pest establish itself in England, will
our farmers become beetle-browed ?
AUGUST 7, 1875.] F U N 57
THE PREMIER'S DREAM.
IT was the Tory Benjamin, he sat within his room;
His curls lay dank upon his brow, his face was like a tomb,
He thought upon his selfish deed and Plimsoll's wailing shriek,
And then he wet his bloodless lips with gin-and-water weak.
He bowed his head upon his breast and let his fancy stray
Adown the valleys of the past, through many a distant day.
Once more he heard his name resound from lusty lung and throat,
Once more he was a Radical, once more he turned his coat.
He stood again 'mid Fashion's throng, a hero of the pen,
And Valour shook him by the hand, and Beauty called him Ben.
Again he trod Adventure's field, its levels and its rucks;
Again he flung his epigrams among the boors of Bucks.
Success in youth, success in age, his fancy wandered on-
O'er ev'ry effort of his life the sun of fortune shone.
At last before'his onward path there rose a frowning hill,
And Fancy whisper'd in his ears, The Merchant Shipping Bill."
His head sank lower on his breast, his heavy eyelids closed,
With many a gloomy thought oppressed the Tory leader dozed;
When suddenly a ghastly form strode through the fastened door-
A slimy sailor, drowned and dank, from Death's Plutonian shore.
The spectre seized the sleeper's arm, and cried, "Awake! awake!
Behold what seamen suffer your paltry measure's sake."
He raised him in his frozen arms and bore him far away
To where, upon a barren strand, ten thousand corpses lay.
The angry ocean raised its voice above the tempest's roar,
And ev'ry seething billow flung dead seamen on the shore.
Now weeping women knelt around and gazed at him in dread,
While from the clouds a voice came down, Their blood be on thy
Far out upon the raging sea a vessel rose and fell,
And from her parting decks went up a wild unearthly yell.
Across the foam his name was hissed, and many a bloodless hand
Was stretched in scorn to where he stood-a murderer on the strand.
His eyeballs pierced the fearful gloom-a crash !-the vessel broke,
He heard the plash of leaping men-he shuddered, and awoke.
Thank God," he cried, "it was a dream!" But all that night in
He saw the fearful agony his selfishness had wrought.
He heard the orphans' choking sob, the widows' wailing cry,
He heard the murdered sailor shriek for vengeance from on high.
He conned the midnight lesson well, and with the morning light
He'd planned a pretty little Bill to set his conscience right.
But through the land a wave has rolled of honest English scorn
For one who, in their hour of need, can leave our tars forlorn.
Who self before the nation serves betrays a sacred trust,
And Plimsoll's honest arm hath made the Tories bite the dust.
AN AUGSPURIOUS ADVENTURE.
SIR,-Asyou seemedtowishthatbefore goingto Glorious Goodwood I
would visit the hospitable shores of North Woolwich, and report on
the latest novelty of that home of happiness and innocence, I went.
And now I report, though I would much rather tell you of the
manner in which I carried all before me among the swells and
swellesses in the ducal park; and how I did it up brown with Royalty,
to say nothing of Superintendent Mott and Admiral Rous, the two
chief officials of that magnificent opportunity for aristocratic associa-
tion. But I know that your will is law; and though princes and
peers are not above asking me to have a weed or a drop of something
short, I must e'en forget all that, and, sinking the natural yearnings
which fill my manly breast, describe the Covent Garden Party at Mr.
I don't bear Mr. Holland any ill-will, rather the reverse; but when
I think of myself-me, Augspur, the pride of the nobility, and the
head of the sportingly prophetic fraternity-being hustled and almost
upset by a lot of market-porters who have no sense of dignity and less
of veneration, I feel as if I could resign, and follow my friend and
patron the Prince of Wales to temporary exile and the East Indies.
But I will not detain you with my expressions of personal discomfort;
suffice it to say that all through the week at Goodwood, I have
never ceased rubbing myself against dukes and marquises, with an
earl or two thrown in now and again, so as to get rid of the plebeian
oppression which encumbered me like a garment after my visit to
North Woolwich. I have even gone out of my way to shake hands
with viscounts and barons, so as to refresh myself after the infliction
of Covent Garden, as it appeared down the river.
I never saw so many sleeved waistcoats, varied by so large a quantity
of tight cords. I cannot remember when I counted so many hard-
puncher caps, or witnessed so deft a display of double fakements."
Even the magnificence of the proprietor seemed to have no effect on
the bold and beery basketeers,--they even went so far as to call him
Bill! unblushingly. Bill," to a man who has an inventive faculty
and a material capacity second to none in the profession, and a pair
of imperial mustaches which match his majestic mind! Alas, for the
reverence which was once the reward of merit and the constant
attendant on true greatness!
After this, how can I continue ? Indeed, there is nothing to say
beyond-That the champions of the various markets in London carried
each, or essayed to carry, a dozen baskets, piled perilously and
Pelionuponossalike one upon the other, round a measured course. That
they placed them upon their heads, and lifted them down again
unaided. That they were not always successful in their efforts. That
when they were unsuccessful there was much noise. That when they
succeeded there was more. That a basket falling from a height on a
new guinea hat doesn't improve its quality or appearance. And that I
am prepared to show cause" for this last statement.
Eventually the number of competitors was reduced to two, each of
whom had carried his dozen baskets the stipulated distance, and
deposited them on the ground safely. Then came the excitement.
Which was entitled to the prize ? For a long time it seemed as if the
rival factions would come to blows; but just as I was obliged to leave
they had hit upon a happy expedient. Which was, that Williamn
Holland should be carried on the topmost basket by one champion, and
that his fidus Achates, the chief of the permanent medical establish-
ment at North Woolwich, should head the pile of the other. Either
one falling off to lose the race for his friend and conductor.
Whether this proposal was put into effect or not I cannot say.
Other and more congenial scenes claimed me for their own. I
merely relate at your command what I know of the most curious
garden party I was ever at; and in conclusion I must be allowed to
express my great grief that you should not prefer to hear all about
Goodwood, the Prince of Wales, and the rest of the Royal Family.
Only think how much nicer it would have been for me to write about
But even you will allow me to call the attention of all true lovers
of the turf to the great success achieved by me in my last prophetic
article. And in the hope that you will be right speedily converted to
Conservatism and an appreciation of the aristocracy such as is the lot
of all true turfites, I beg to solicit an early remittance-if only out of
compliment to my friends of the peerage-and to subscribe myself, a
Hater of Plebeians, as well as an able and unaffected AUesPUr.
Ix spite of commoner and cad
And Jew, with which it's tainted,
The Isle of Thanet's not so bad
By half as it is painted!
And now that Royalty has shed
A lustre o'er its actions,
The less about its errors said-
The greater its attractions.
The niggers and the German bands
Are louder still than ever;
And cockneys patronise the sands
With "holiday endeavour."
Old ocean laves the shelving shore
And sings a soothing ditty,
Delightful after all the roar
And bustle of the City !
A. HAMPSHIRE local paper, describing a recent small railway accident,
says that "all the carriages were turned over, but escaped without
personal injury beyond a severe shaking." There seems to have been
just a wee half-pint between the time our contemporary's reporter
attended on the scene and the writing of this particularly personal"
IT is estimated that ten million acres of land in Algeria are covered
with a rank growth of the alpha plant. 'The inhabitants ought to
beta lot of it down.
Dao it! drop it!" howled a suffering miscreant under the lash
at Newgate. He was accommodated even beyond his wish.
58 FUN. fAUGUST 7, 1875.
THE MERCHANT SHIPPING BILL.
Deputation to wait on the Lords of the Treasury and various
"Don't flurry yourselves, I beg. We'll see what we can do for you-next year.
Low people like you shouldn't be so rude as to thrust yourselves
forward-before the sacred rights of Property."
Dignity of the House satisfied. Terrible disma of Filthy Lure, Esq., the
great Shipowuer (Felow ofthe Society for Propa g Drowned
8eamen),ewhen he finds Plimoll won't apologise to him.
This is Sir C. Adderley's Little Bill. It's not up to much;, but the conceqsioa
is quite good enough for Common Sailors."
IFTJN -AUGUST 7, 1875.
AN ALL POWERFUL SUPPORTER.
Popular Opiniott:-" AH, MR. BEN, YOU'RE READY ENOUGH TO MAKE CONCESSIONS' NOW THAT I'VE MADE YOU
FEEL MY POWER. MIND I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER LESSON, OR YOU MAY NOT GET OFF SO EASILY."
AUGUST 7, 1875.]
SOME LITERARY AND ART NOTES.
MR. BODDY CULLER is so satisfied with the reception accorded his
picture in the Black and White Exhibition, that next year he intends
to surprise the Reception Committee with some silhouette studies upon
a black ground.
Mr. Ruskin will in future present a pound of salt butter and half a
rasher of ham to every purchaser of his critical publications whose
outlay amounts to one shilling. Personal application absolutely
necessary. N.B.-No cheesetasters allowed, and no connection with
the shop next door.
We have been requested to contradict the statement that Mr. Para-
graph Seeker has a pamphlet containing several epic poems in the
press. It is at the publisher's.
It is not generally known that Mr. Brown, the novelist, is a most
determined sportsman. He has been known to hit several haystacks
in the course of a brilliant and successful season, and he has determined
upon working sad havoc with Leadenhall Market this grouse time.
Mr. Tennyson is revising the allowable portion of his Rhyming
Dictionary. "Roast pork and apple sauce is his latest improvement.
William Shakespeare was born and died at Stratford-on-Avon.
At twelve o'clock every night Mr. John Delane is served with
tapioca pudding by four sub-editors who enter on their knees and
remain prostrate while their chief refreshes himself. It is utterly
untrue that Mr. Delane craves for the blood of babies while engaged
in composing his leaders.
It is said that the reason why Miss Thompson's pictures are so truly
military is because she always drinks gunpowder tea, and paints in a
suit of soldier's clothes. This she wears under her ordinary garb on
The best way to write poetry is to select fit subject, which must
be handled in a proper manner. Poets are born not made, so verse-
writing is, of course, easy-to them who can do it.
Joseph Addison flourished during the reign of Queen Anne. He
is dead. And so is that Queen.
SONGS OF A SUBURB.
No. III.-THE BENEFICENT BABE.
(WITH DESCRIPTIVE CUTS.)
T was, I remember, at sixty-eight
rA There formerly lived a man;
And the line ran close to his garden
And this is the line that ran.
Returning from town by the evening train,
He'd gaze at his peaceful home in vain;
SThe pitiless engine refused to stay
t Till reaching the station-a mile away!
No vision of subsequent joy relieved,
But only appeared to mock
The dreadful shock that his nerves received-
And this is the dreadful shock.
His yearning wife at the gate would stand;
His juvenile baby would wave its hand :
But the train would bear him at headlong pace
Past his juvenile babe and its chaste embrace !V
To a fearful pitch did his grief attain,
In even describing which ( )
My sensitive bosom is filled with pain-
And this is the fearful pitch.
And often the juvenile babe, by stealth,
Would harbour a fear for its father's health,
And bitterly frown a regretful frown,
Because it was rapidy breaking down.
To poison its mother's unconscious bliss
Its sorrow was ne'er betrayed;
That immature babe made a point of this-
And this is the point it made.
And ever with hurrying, heartless wheel,
Unheeding the redolent evening meal,
Would clatter that horrid, remorseless train,
And double the pang of the parent's pain.
That baby it called the directors low,"
And "mean," and a "reckless set; "
And get in a dreadful pet, you know-
And this is the dreadful pet.
It heightened its passion, as well it might,
To find that its mother intended flight
(Though ever the kindest and best of souls)
With him who provided the house with coals.
The juvenile babe was no aimless dunce
To wander, and wait, and look:
It up and took resolute steps at once---
And these aie the steps it took.
A chariot waited without for ma;
The evening train it was due with pa:
Her luggage was up on the coach's top-
That rapidly-hurrying train must stop !
His cradle in front of the train he popped,
With cunning design and deep;
And, all of a frightful heap it stopped-
And this is the frightful Heep.
And daddy got out and he caught the pair;
That dissolute vendor of coals he floored;
The man with the chariot missed his fare,
And general harmony was restored.
The jar of collision was heard afar-
The havoc was wild and wide;
A terrible jam-and here's the jar,
And the terrible jam's inside.
And all the directors came down to thrash
The juvenile babe who had caused the smash,
But quickly on hearing the story's pith
Suggested his taking the chair forthwith.
His pa and his mammy at once forgot
That sorrow had e'er depressed,
And ever had reason to bless their lot-
And this is the lot they blessed.
We went to our artist and paid him much
To illustrate this with his grandest touch:
His drawings, however, do not convey
The moral of who we had meant to say.
AN enlightened press vouchsafes the information that Prince
Humbert of Italy has purchased a horse at Norwich. We are in a
position to state that during his sojourn in this country he has also
purchased a box of vesuvians, but the merchant being unable to write,
neglected to forward his name and address for publication.
NoT only does one fool make many, but one lunatic makes
numerous idiots. For example, the insanity of Mr. Robert Dale Owen
has instigated five hundred punsters to say it was Owen to spiritual-
ism. We do not include those who merely repeated it after us.
A RESIDENT in a quiet suburb puts this insane query on the pillars
flanking his garden gate, Isabella villa." He might have been a
trifle more particular with regard to his punctuation.
62 N [Au ST 7, 1875.
THE BRITISH WORKMAN.
WATS a nail drove in atop o' that post? Ah now, That's a bit o' work as is worth getting' on to. "Nothing like getting' all yer tools about yer-
that's a job as 'l want a power o' thinkin' out. It ain't no good a dashin at that !" then yer know where yer are,"
Ain't to be done in no 'urry, that ain't! "
Bin at it over three year, 'ave I? Well, yer see, Can't avoid kinder doing some little damage Wot ? Ain't made a good job of it carter all these years,
it do want a bit o' 'andlin'. But we're on a job o' this sort." ain't I? Well, I'm a getting' too old for work now,
a getting' on now." so yer better do it herself, you 'ad "
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN. beyond barren honour to their writers. This is said in no carping or
The~ Ne S 8 ,objectionable spirit, but rather because it is evident that Mr. O'Clery
The Nrew 8aksperian Dictionary of Quotations (Charing-cross Pub- has taken great pains with his work, and is very accurate in his infor-
lishing Company) has a good deal more claim on its title than its nation. And as the number to which the book has any particular
publishers seem to have on theirs, inasmuch as, while calling them- interest is of necessity limited, the writer must be satisfied with the
selves of Charng-cross, they inhabit the region of Blackfriars. There honours of authorship and the knowledge that he has done his duty.
is, doubtless, a delicate irony about this which is more appreciable to Mr. O'Clery has done that well enough, as anyone who chooses to get
the initiated than to those who stand outside, among which latter the book for himself can see. It is rather humiliating to admit it, but
we are, after hopeless though desperate struggles with the problem, there can be little doubt that the history of halfa dozen brutalmurders,
compelled unwillingly to number ourselves. Of the Dictionary, apart clumsily collated from slipshod reports in the newspapers, would be
from the unsolved riddle of the publishing place, we can say nothing but more extensively sold and considerably more remunerative than any
what is good. It is just the sort of thing we have wanted for a long time. scholarly record of an important period of the world's history can ever
Copious, carefully indexed, and altogether complete, it should command hope to be.
a considerable sale. To those who wish to appear familiar with the It is only necessary for us here to note that Dr. W. C. Bennett's
"Swan of Avon," but who think him a little heavy for private perusal, Baby Mlay (H. S. King and Co.) has passed into still another edition.
such a book as that of M. Bellamy will be invaluable. By This one of the very weakesink of nothing to say in favourne of the very last-nd
They history of the to fit Shaksprlian mottoes to all their friendos--to pathetic ballads which has not already been said scores of times. Aye,
embraces the peinod extend, if they will only keep1796 their 1849, aut pehorityod which is Those ambitious authors who do not see their work recognized ino.
to be regard ded as great and shining lights in the school of Engthis Chapters on found not despa(Groombridge) is an interesting book for youngase have
chronicle the Chevalier Clery, M.Pn who, we monopolytice, has other done aftinquirer many vain but denies operate efforts to put ourh thoughts abutment is
Williams,"oundg and who are ready at a moment aies to his name, from which them and their books into definite and readable shape An.
their versions of any obscure pasge y will be satisfied withfor the honour they havine o'clockhad the best of it, a story in pamphlet frame and shattered
their reign of terror is at hand. They can no longer prose unchallenged certainly one merit. This is, that it ibes shorat a distance, please accept
orWe untrust this cleds o, andfor books like the alone before us bring, as a should welcomittle Mrthi always intimations shown in it very positively.
AUGUST 7, 1876.] FUN 63
A TALE or THE RAINY SEASON.
ONE bitterly cold evening towards the close of July, 1875, two
gentlemen might have been observed floating rapidly down the Strand
in a trim and taut gondola. The elegant build of the conveyance in
which they were seated, and the powdered wigs of the liveried boat-
men, denoted affluence and position. Many a swimmer-by paused to
gaze after them as they flew rapidly past, and muttered, Strange,
and it is, methinks, to see that pair rowing in the same boat."
And strange it was; for-
Bat we anticipate.
Ever and anon the elder would draw from his breast a hoarded
volume, read extracts from it to his companion, laugh himself black
in the face, and wait for his companion to do the same. But the
companion would merely smile, and when the reader's gaze was off
would mutter, Cuss him! "
As they reached the Charing Cross Floating Hotel, a gust of wind
swept round the corner and blew the hoarded volume open at the title
page. Thereupon the inquisitive swimmer-by might have read these
words-" Joe Miller's Jest Book: Presented to Wilfrid Lawson for
efficiency in spelling, by his friend and schoolmaster," &c., &c.
Yes, gentle reader, the one occupant of the gondola was Sir Wilfrid
Lawson, commonly known as the Cold Water Cure, on account of his
aqueous humour, and his companion was--
But we anticipate.
The gondola had by this time turned the corner at Charing Cross,
and steering clear of the Penny Steamers which were taking in pas-
sengers from the roofs of the adjacent houses, it made its way rapidly
towards the Houses of Parliament Barge, which was moored near'!
As the elegant vessel neared its destination, the younger occupant
became preternaturally grave, a strange wild glimmer burned con-
vulsively in his eye, and his breath waxed and waned with suppressed
emotion. He was evidently waiting for something.
It came at last. Sir Wilfrid turned his head for a moment. Acci-
dentally-quite accidentally-the boat was suddenly tilted, and the
apostle of water shot forward with a wild yell into his beloved element.
It went down his throat and up his nose.
He coughed, and puffed, and bobbed up and down, and struggled.
Just as he was suffocating, strong arms were stretched to aid, and
in a few minutes the unhappy Baronet lay soaked and shivering at the
bottom of the boat.
Then the nameless demon leaned over him and whispered-
You took a good drop of water that time, I fancy."
In the agony of partial drowning, Sir Wilfrid could not forego his
little joke. He spat up a pint of the liquid, and murmured, with a
Yes, I've had a drop too much."
Sir Wilfrid's own confession was flashed that night by submarine
cable over the length and breadth of England, and the Permissive Bill
was damaged for ever.
But that was not the worst of it. The unhappy Baronet could
never look at water again. As to tasting-ugh! The bare mention
of it sent him into a cold perspiration.
He gave up his advocacy of teetotalism for ever, and devoted the
remainder of his Parliamentary career to the interests of Licensed
Jokes and cold water were his undoing.
And the demon ?
Well, he was a large distiller, whose sales were interfered with by
the Alliance, but, as he does not advertise with us, we must decline to
give his name.
A Prophetable Bequest.
A MAN of Chicago has published a book to prove that the world
will be destroyed some time during the current year, and has demon-
strated his own confidence in that opinion by bequeathing all his
property-including the copyright of his book-to a foundling
asylum. We do not wish to create alarm, but surely the vaticinations
of so prudent a seer are worthy of more than ordinary attention. The
very essence of prophecy is the "taking thought for the morrow."
THE young man who leant against the railing in front of a strange
house the other evening, and absently sang Come where my love
lies dreaming," felt rather dissatisfied with himself when told by a
policeman to move on, if he pleased, 'cause there was a young wumman
a-lyin' dead in that house .
MY LAST PANORAMA.
BEFORE I believed in the classical drama-
In fact, ere I knew it existed at all-
I discovered a charm in the word Panorama
Which charm it is difficult now to recall.
I was only a brat-or, to iut it politely,
A child of a quite insignificant age;-
Not a querulous critic who has to go nightly
And watch the decline of our national stage.
Last night, for a wonder, I went with a fellow
To see some affair panoramic in style.
I said au revoir to Macbeth and Othello,
And even cut Comedy just for a while.
But we elderly folks very seldom inherit
A freshness of heart from our babyhood's time;:
So that each little point which I once- thought a mericn
I looked upon yesterday night as a crime.
A being of beauty came tripping before us,
And bowed with a smile as he smiled with a bow.
And we all said Hooray!" and Bravo!" in a chorus ;-
But, bless you, he took a delight in the row.
His voice was entrancing-his manners were polished-
All brilliant and bright were the bluchers he wore..
But my longings for novelty soon were demolished;;-
I've seen a few beings of beauty before.
He led us through scenes that astonish the rover
With daylight and lamplight and moonlight effects;
You'll excuse me, perhaps, if I pass them all over
As things that a generous public expects.
A steamer on fire was a study worth praising,
As also a prairie all covered with flame;-
But I felt, whether prairie or vessel were blazing,
The noise that it caused was exactly the same.
They showed us a church as it looks in the momeing.;
Then all of a sudden they showed it by night..
In front was a carriage, most properly scorning
To.stir, even after the gas was alight.
But I noticed, whenever a change was occurring,
From day into night or from verdure to snow,
A remarkable sound between sobbing and purring,
When women sighed Lovely !" and men muttered "Oh!"
My mind has retained many beautiful features;--
In many respects I can feel as a boy.
.But alas! for myself and my poor fellow-creatures,,
A new panorama we cannot enjoy.
I've lost my delight in impossible pictures,
I hate entertainments which don t entertain.
Aristarchus returns to theatrical strictures,
And sticks to the Garden" and goes to the "Lane."'
"Nothing to Wear."
A NUMBER of benevolent Russian ladies have agreed among them-
selves to renounce the use of silk dresses and all manner of costly
attire, in order to devote the money so saved to the education of poor
orphans. If these ladies do not mind being partial we would recom-
mend to their special consideration the orphans of the poor silk-
weavers and others who will be starved by this charitable abstinence.
Le Moniteur Capillaire is the title of a new journal published in
the interests of the Parisian coiffeurs. To prevent our young readers
from embarrassing their elders with awkward questions we will explain
that Ie Moniteu' Capillaire means The Hairy Monster.
MESSRS. .TISLEY are about to publish a novel entitled Lissadel; or,
In Stony Places." Why not have called it Lizzie d'Elle; or,
Life in Flintshire" F A still better title would have been Eliza D.
L- ; or, Some Account of What Happened in a Churchyard"
SOME wiseacres have just discovered that the Albert Hall will never
be made to pay until there is a rail right up to it. Why, there haa
been a rail against the place ever since it was built!
THE PEOPLE's WILLIAM.-Mr. Plimsoll's Bill.
[AUGUST 7, 1875.
GOT THROUGH THE WORST.
OH, TOMMY, TOMMY ; DO 'EE TRY AND_BE A BETTER BOY ; IF YE DOANT,
SATAN WILL TAKE HOLD OF YE! "
'EE CAN'T TAKE 'OLD 'ABDER THAN OY WAS TOOK T'OTHER DAY, OI'M
AH, WHO TOOK 'EE, THEN?" WHOY, SKULEMAARSTER, IN COURSE."
"WHAT'S IN A (MAIDEN) NAME F "
AT the Hammersmith Police-court the other day, a well known
actress who had summoned her husband for assault was asked some
rather awkward questions. She got on tolerably well, however, until
requested to state her maiden name. This was much too much. The
question seemed to stir some long-silent chords of memory, but they
gave an uncertain sound. In vain she bent her ear to catch the
purport of their melody-it was as the mindless murmur of the
inarticulate wind amongst the pines, or the still whisper of the
distant sea. She could make nothing of it, and she gave it up. The
wind may release its clouds, and the sea give up its dead, but this
lady's memory would not disclose the dread secret of her maiden
0 ask me not! 0 ask me not!
I do not rightly know.
Say Jones, or Smith, or Brown, or what
You will-'twas long ago!
The years defile, an endless train,
I see myself a child again.
CAIUTION.--f Cocoa thicke inthecup itproves theaddition of atarch.
A YOUTHFUL ASPIRATION.
I LONG to fraternise with those
Artistes of histrionic fame,'
Who're popularly known as pros"-
And on the public have a claim.
For actors seem a jolly set,
And cut a dash, when they've the means:
I'd like to know one, just to get
A chance to go behind the scenes!
I'd something give to catch a glimpse
Of what the French call les Coulisses-
To mix with pantomimic imps
Who caper in the Christmas piece.
I'd idolize each coryphle-
Converse with mimic kings and queens,
Who kill each other in the play,
But soon revive behind the scenes!
I would the funny man revere,
And praise the leading heavy gent"-
I'd give the supers" lots of beer:
And when my money all was spent,
My humble way I'd homeward seek,
To dream of Claudes and proud Paulines-
To wonder at the awful cheek
Of those who strut behind the scenes!
THE REASON WHY.
IT was not that she was not fair,
Or rich, or good, or witty;
Or that her h despising pare
Was something in the City.
It was not that upon their knees
A dozen men were sueing;
A reason stronger far than these
Prevented me from wooing.
It was not that she was unkind,
Or cold, or cross, or ailing,
Or that in either limb or mind
She had the slightest failing.
It was not that she wanted tact,
Or that she was not steady;
I checked my passions from the fact
That I'd a wife already.
A SOUND INVESTMENT.-Buying a drum.
0 ask me not! 0 ask me not
To do a thing so bold!
A maiden's name-a maiden's lot-
Ah, that should ne'er be told.
I'll tell you, out of hand, instead,
The-name I bore when I was wed.
SOMEONE advertises an alarum for sale which strikes a match, lights
a lamp, and makes a cup of coffee before waking the sleeper. A
marvellous instrument truly, but surpassed by one in our own
possession which would lay the breakfast, make the tea, square the
tax collector, and stop the chimney smoking before it would wake the
THE latest improvement for crossing the Channel is a bed inflated
with air. Puffing seems to be the principal thing in all these aids to
have new Patent Improvements, which render them
superior to all other makes for DRseaMo naXso and
FAMLt Usn.. They are Simple to Lear," Easy to
Work," Not liable to get out of order." are "Strong,"
"Swift," durablee." "make very little noise." and can
be had on "easy terms" of purchase at a "moderate
price." Intentinu purchaters, if unable to obtain
Taylor'a P'atent Sewin Mtachines from local Dealers,
are resepectlully requested to send fora prospectus to
u 07, Cheapside, .onon. Kil Great riS eld, York.
hire; or tie brancli establiotmeute; 22. Silver Street
Hull, and 132, Kirkgate, Wakefield.
Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, August 7,1875.
I PIVAU c k i tt
As Supplied to the.'
AUGUST 14, 1875.]
- -;--~ -- ~ cc~z~-W
MUCH TOO POINTED.
Mr. .ullbrain (Political Economist, and "1Red") :-"WELL, I WOULDN'T 'A BELIEVED THEY 'AD THE POWER TO DO IT IN A 'REE
COUNTRY. WHY, IT'S DOWNRIGHT MURDER, AS WELL AS A TAX ON CLEANLINESS. BUT IT 'LL DO FOR CLERKENWELL GREEN NEXT SUNDAY."
A CURSORY GLANCE. Melodogmatic.
(BY OUR LUNATIC LAUREATE.) THE dramatic instinct, which is merely the faculty of discerning
THE whole of our rulers are mad, and the lunatic hides his head; events in the aspect under which they ought to occur, is an indispens-
THE whole of our rulers are mad, and the lunatic hides his head ; able qualification in a picturesque reporter, but by immoderate indul-
The Tories are silly and sad, and the Liberal Leader's fled. gence it may degenerate into what is coarsely called a talent for lying.
The sun, and the wind, and the rain are having a lark in the skies, We should be very sorry indeed to think that in the case of any of
And the women are at it again, dabbing their hair with dyes. our contemporaries this degradation had actually occurred; but we have
The clergy are cramming the jails with babies and boys of eight, doleful misgivings when we read in a daily paper that since the trial
And the popular Prince of Wales is fishing with Indian bait. of Colonel Baker "a large black dog has remained in front of the
A colonel is taken to quod in an elegant carriage and pair, Town Hall, howling throughout the night." If this had been a dog
An aolunatic thin- ito qodd that hlegsn't torrlose his hair.," of any other colour" howling "as sweet," or if, being a black dog,
And a lunatic thinks it odd that he isn't to lose his hair. it helo pe we s h h ur t s c de
An elephant's lost his trunk, and the telegraphs lose their head, of ominous colour and portentous note-it is suspiciously dramatic !
For Scudamore's going to bunk, and he'll wire the Turks instead. We always did grow cautious in contemplation of a hue and cry.
Oh, thq bubble of loans abroad has burst in the hands of James,
And the mud of a filthy fraud is sticking to noble names. Palmam qui Meruit.
For the world and the weather are drunk, and over the distant main THE Ormskirk Advertiser, in a notice of a local show, gravely says:
They are stirring the Brooklyn skunk, for a sniff of his scent again. "We were not able to get the award for donkeys." Our regret at an
While a fool in his lonely den, he mutters, and roars, and raves evident miscarriage of justice must be expressed, for after a careful
That a fool is the best of men, where the rest of the world are knaves, inspection of the rest of the paper we are bound to admit that the
staff is eminently worthy. Perhaps, however, it received honourable
Secure from Innovation. mention.
A MOTTLED BOY" is exhibited in Melbourne. Heis described as a A Reece-ent Inquest.
Kaffir, but the white portions of his skin are exactly like those of a
European who has been partly washed. This young gentleman's suit A wELL-KNOWN clergyman, whose papa has just died under extra-
of motley is very complete in all its appointments, excelling in that ordinary circumstances, is of opinion that his progenitor had been "off
respect even the famous dress in which Captain Boyton disguises an his chup" for years. Then" the fool of the family" wasn't in the
adventurer; for whereas the gallant Captain leaves his cheek" ex- Church this time, for pa was a soldier.
posed, the other artist is conscientiously and consistently mottled, even
to the ends of his hair and the iris of each eye. The Ethiop, we are A,Stock Grievance.
told, cannot change his skin, nor the leopard its spots; but, as a spotted THE Money Editors announce the fact that Home Rails are very
Ethiop-Kaffirs being practically Ethiops-this singularly gifted being fluctuating just now. Since we declined to take our wife and offspring
enjoys the advantage of a double Conservatism. How our Tory friends to the seaside for a month we have found Home Rails remarkably
must admire his Constitution! steady.
66 FU N. [AUGUST 14, 1875.
.FUI OFFICE, FWednesday, Aug. 11, 1875.
'TwAs in the prime of summer time,
Ten thousand years ago :
Ben-Dizzy ruled, and Whalley fooled,
And things were awful slow.
For then true merit stood alone,
Then Tories held the sway-
Thank God, we now are wiser grown,
And Reason reigns to-day.
Outshone the sun, loud banged the gun,
And members of the House
Got up and wept, then crawled and crept
Before the great god Grouse.
For men or measures they'd no care;
From loud and angry words
They settled down to blank despair,
And babbled 'bout the birds.
At last away, for sport or play,
Each member fled amain;
And public wrong, it waited long
Till they were back again.
E'en then but little art was found
And rather less of nouse-
"The common folk be hanged-or drowned
Our care is for the Grouse! "
LITTLE JOHNNY ON COLONEL BAKER.
BILLY he said Johnny, I hanow some thing which you don't, and I
said Billy wot is it, and Billy he said I kanow wot it was which
Cernel Baker done. Then I said wot ? But Billy he wank, and said
it wasent fit for to be tole to any body, I must read it in the news
papers. But wen I ast my mother for to give me the Daly Telligraft
reel quick, cos I must read about Curnle Baker, she said I think yure
father has tuke it a way for to shave hisself, may be you better ast
him. So I got a ole Stannard and carried it te my father, which was a
smoken in the garden, and ast him wude he shave hissef with than,
and let me hay the other, so I cude read a bout Cournel Baker ? My
father he luked sprised a little wile, and then he tuke his pipe out of
his mowth, and said Johnny, the subjeck naturly divides itsef in 2
questions, first, wil I shave mysef with the Stannard, and, second, wil
I let you have the Teldiqraft, for a stated purpous. Regardin the
former, I wil ony anser that if you had kanew yure father, like a wise
child, you might hav spared his feelings the painfleness of bein ast
wether he wude shave hissef with sech a paper as has been menshioned,
as long as it was opn to him to whipe his razer in his hair, or on Moses
tail, which is the cat. To the latter question I repli yes, with ol my
hart, certenly, to be shure, cos its reading wich makes fokes good and
wise. But, Johnny, Ime sorry to say yure mother has took a way the
Telligraft for to rap up Franky in it.
Wen I seen thay was both in a fog I went to Uncle Ned, and ast
him did he hav it, cos I wanted to read a bout Kernual Baker, so I
wude be good and wise, like my father said. Uncle Ned he thot a wile,
and then he got up and dident say nothing, but went and luked in the
cole skuttle, and shaked his head. Then he luked be hine a picter wich
was a hangin on the wall, and shaked his hed a other time. Then he
went to the fire ulaee and luked un the chinmmv n nd h sh;ak hi h dA
THE statement made by the Premier at the most recent Ministerial again. Bime by he said wot a xtronnery thing, wot ever has went witi
Banquet in the City, that the country is prosperous and the people that paper ? Then Uncle Ned he went out of the rume, but pretty
happy and contented," is worthy of more than passing comment. sune he come back a shaking his head a other time, like he was sorry
Mr. Disraeli may be right, though we doubt it; but even if he is, we and he said Johnny, its jest as I spected, Mary, she has give the paper to
should like to know how much of the existent happiness and Bildad, that's the new dog, for him to read about Colornel Baker, and
prosperity is due to him and his colleagues. The general accuracy of that animal has devowered it with an absorbin interest, yes, Johnny
Mr. Disraeli's remarks may well be gauged by his statement that he the wrascle has went and et it!
was quite right with regard to the Merchant Shipping Bill, and that Wen Uncle Ned see I was dizzy pointed he said I have got a othei
the new and temporary measure was not wrung from the Ministry by paper some were which contains some witherin sattire onto the immor]
the public voice. It is hardly worth while criticising a Minister who Yanky press for publishing them disgustin details about Mister Beecher.
can deliberately make such assertions. Mr. Disraeli's after-dinner Yule fine it lito and entertaining reading, and it wil erect yure litter
speeches are proverbial: he is generally offensive; this time he was taste. But jest now me, and you, and Billy better go for a woceek, foi
simply-well, say inaccurate. To those who choose to look closely, to see wether them nutmegs which I give Gaffer Peters to plant has
there is to be found in this its own punishment. What is the Conser- come up yet.
vatism which is turned by the popular voice from ill-doing, and then Wile we was a wockin, me, and him, and Billy, he stopt, Uncle Ned
denies that it ever had wicked intentions ? And what must conscien- did, and said ol01 to once now luke here, you little fellers, and hark to
tious Conservatives think of their First Minister, when they find him a man wich has been in Injy and every were. Wenever you take up a
plastering one fabrication over another, in the vain hope of preventing daly news paper to read and get wisdom, like you ot, of course you
the outlet of a Truth which made its escape long ago ? don't want to read it every bit thru, but only wot is good. Wel, wen you
-- o-- see a account of a trile in cort, and it is long like yure leg, and has
WE are glad to note that now the fashionable world has moved out got big letters to the top, and the lines is far a part, don't you read it,
of London, the poor and their troubles are beginning to receive a little cos its sure to be stoopid, lots of things in it which no body don't kanow
attention from the daily press. It is a good many weeks since we wot means ony jest the fellers which have rwote em. Billy, you notty
commented on the sad case of Samuel Dawson, who was committed to boy don't you kanow it is wicked for to wink ?
Bedford Gaol by Justices of the Peace, because of his poverty. He still Then Billy he said, please, Uncle Ned, its a nat flu in my eye. And
remains there: but now that the Teleqraph has deigned to leave its jest then Bildad, that's the new dog, which et the paper, and Mose, which
fashionable lions, as well as its dead elephants, and to touch tenderly is the cat, they come up to hear wot els Uncle Ned had got to say, but
upon the ticklish topic which concerns a real live lord, Samuel may yet a other nat got in Billys ey, and he wank so fast and fewrious the
hope. A more iniquitous case than that of Dawson, or one calling meeting was broke up in disorder!
more loudly for the condemnation of the lord and his colleagues who But wot for my mother she all ways reads them stoopid things which
sentenced him, it is hardly possible to imagine. Yet as there is nothing no body don't kno wot thay mean is wot flores ine.
sensational about it, as the victim of class intolerance and brutality
is only a poor rheumatic labouring man of fifty-seven, with an invalid 0, A RECENT ELOPEMENT.
and uninteresting wife and daughter, the attention he has received is O1 A RECENT ELOPEMENT.
small indeed. But of course the feelings of Lord St. John must be MR. GRUNDY, a preacher of local renown,
respected, and it would not have been possible to go well into the case With a lady has bolted from Bedlington town,
without saying something severe about him. This unpleasantness is And left the poor creature to whom he was wed
avoided by making no mention whatever of the noble chairman of the To depend on the parish for lodging and bread.
magistrates. Perhaps if Dawson had been a dwarf or a dog, an irreclaim- When a Primitive Methodist so can behave
able old savage or a full moon out of season, his case might have been He knows that the scandal of course will be grave-
taken up quite earnestly, and he himself-with such a power behind But by leaving his wife, after preaching on Sunday,
him-have become quite famous ere this. As it is, he must, being only He showed that he didn't much heed Mrs. Grundy. "
an English labourer whose whole worldly wealth amounted upon
distraint to less than a pound sterling, be more than satisfied to think
that he has achieved the fame of even mention in a leading article in a The Watery Maine.
daily paper which boasts the largest circulation in the habitable world. SIm WILrsID LAWsoN is undoubtedly a funny dog, but when he
When he comes out he will, if gratitude be anything, show as one of carries his larks into legislation it is time for his constituents to give
the warmest promoters of the long-promised and ever-impending him a gentle reminder. At the present moment he is championing
baronetcy. the Permissive Bill, which is to drive men to water, and supporting
the Merchant Shipping Bill, which is to keep them from it. If Sir
Political. WVilfrid's mind be not one huge aqueous joke, we should advise him
Ovn own Slanderer objects to the phrase "Tory politics." He says to make it up into as large a parcel as he can, and chuck it either on
Mr. Disraeli is the only Tory who has any politics, the others have one side or the other. Perhaps he thinks Sea Water Regulations are
only poll-parrotics. He has defamed better men in his day. indirectly connected with the Maine Liquor Law.
AUGUST 14, 1875.] FU N 67
AT length some guarantee for the safety of unprotected travellers by
rail has become a burning necessity! The following shocking accounts
of violence and outrage perpetrated on defenceless poets will awake
the world to this fact. The first is from our own poet (who can't
write in prose) :-
Mr. Editor-sir, so unwilling to stir
Have the railway authorities grown,
That I'm bound to declare it's a risky affair
For a poet to travel alone !
It was only to-day I was shocked in a way
From which -my propriety shrank,
On being so rash as to travel from Dash,
Alone and defenceless, to Blank.
It was one of "the sex" (who had entered at X -)
By whom I was shocked and unnerved,
Though I'll candidly say, for a part of the way,
That her manners were very reserved:
But on finding the train wouldn't slacken again
The lady proceeded to stare,
And (professing regard for the name of a bard),
Demanded a lock of my hair!
Though I screamed when she went to this frightful extent
Her further proceedings were worse;
For she finally took to producing a book
And requested my writing a verse!
She grappled me hard, but I rang for the guard,
By a positive terror impelled;
And I struggled and swore till I opened the door;
Then I got on the buffers and yelled!
When such scandals occur, Mr. Editor, sir,
And when nobody's life is his own,
Why the trains ought to start with a carriage apart
For the poets who travel alone.
Till a decent regard for the life of a bard
Such a system of terror supplants,
Never,-never again will I travel by train,
Except with my mother and aunts!
The ensuing disjointed facts appear to point to a story even more
shocking in its details.
[ADVERTISEMENT.]-" Stolen or strayed, a young poet, with flaxen
hair and spectacles. Was last seen in a third-class carriage of the
North-East-by-South-South-Western Railway. Should the stout
gentleman with three lockets, who was in the same compartment,
know anything," &c., &c.
The following information on the subject is from one of our
reporters, who had concealed himself on the roof of the carriage, to
avoid the collector, and who peeped down through the lamp-hole.
The poet and the stout gentleman were the only occupants of the
compartment. Shortly after the train had started, the stout gentleman
commenced a conversation about the weather. After a pause, he
suddenly said, "You're a poet, I believe." The poet became alarmed,
and said Yes; go away! The stout gentleman was again silent,
and seemed to be maturing some wicked plan in his mind. All at
once he took the seat directly opposite the poet, and said, I am the
proprietor of the 'Patent Death-Preventing Medicinal Wig,' and I
want someone to do some poetical advertisements: will you do 'em ? "
The poet screamed and said Get away-I will tell my mother!" and
tried to alarm the guard. (Here our reporter was unfortunately killed
by contact with an arch, but the narrative is continued by an old lady
in the next compartment, who peeped through a crack in the partition.)
There was a struggle. The poet got on the roof, but was dragged into
the carriage again, and then somehow disappeared. The stout
gentleman alighted at the next station, with a big portmanteau.
There was a sound, as of screaming and scratching, from the inside of
the portmanteau. But the old lady was too frightened to speak.
Shortly after, this advertisement appeared in a contemporary. There
is an undertone of lamentation about it, like the wail of a prisoner
writing under compulsion.
To check consumption's hateful sway-
To vanquish bile-to cure the dumb-
To chase dyspeptic pangs away-
The Death-Preventing Wig" has come I
When fetters gall, and clanking chains,
And when the heart with grief is big,
The victim to internal pains
Should try the Death-Preventing Wig !"
Although the captive heart shall bleed!
Although the trodden worm shall rise;
A perfect fit is guaranteed
In any colour, shape, or size.
Defeated Nature's fairest trait
Beside it isn't worth a fig-
The captive in his cell must say:-
"Let's try the Death-Preventing Wig.'"
The poet is believed to be in a cellar in the Waterloo-road, and the
police are carefully inquiring into the matter.
DOTS AND LINES.
EVERYTHnG being pretty satisfactorily arranged, Earl Russell takes
up the Plimsoll cause. His lordship evidently thinks now that he has
obtained all the concessions." So long as he'll rest and be thank-
ful we don't mind. = Question raised as to the durability of eighty-
ton guns. Surely that should more reasonably uo asked about the
eighty-ton targets. But perhaps with these very big armaments the
practice is to fire at, not with, the guns. = With the exception of
some fighting, no disturbances have taken place during the elections in
Greece." So say the papers; but though the subject is Greece, we
think the statement is too fat to fry." = Archbishop and five bishops
attend deceased prelate's funeral. Powerful passport as to quality,
which it is to be hoped will be respected in ihe proper quarter.
O'Connell centenary celebration. Strange that the celebrators should
in their correspondence arrangements express a belief that Union is
strength. Repale of it was the great Agitator's watchword. = Cowes
Regatta. This should be held at Cape Horn. Never mind, we have
Good Hope that the crnme de la crime of fashion was present and
enjoyed itself. = Disposal of Colonel Baker. His r6dl will for the
present be a hard as well as stale and unprofitable one. = Beginning
of the end of the cricket season. Certain gentlemen-amateurs anxious
about their earnings. Of course, they want a bit for the winter, as it
would be hard to have to go back to work after playing the swell all
summer. Notice of new Beecher-Tilton trial. Is the demand for
garbage so much superior to the supply among our cousins that they
have comedy to this ? = Clerical magistrate sentences a child eight years
old to prison and five years in a reformatory for placing small pebbles
on railway line. New phase of the gravel-rash, with a vengeance.
Costs in the Cause."
A roor woman near Sheffield has just been fined 6d. and 9s. 6d.
costs for having no home. There seems a great want of economy
somehow about this; and the question naturally arises, If it costs
9s. 6d. to secure a fine of 6d. for having no home, how much would the
magistrates charge providing they were to fine one another a half-
penny each for having no brains ? We do not guarantee to accept
the lowest or any kind of tender or explanation; but there is a leather
medal waiting here for the man who gets nearest the truth.
In Statue quo,
MRa. GonsT, M.P., is exercised in his mind about the statue of Queen
Anne, which stands in front of St. Paul's Cathedral. Her defunct
Majesty is in a dirty condition, and her Parliamentary champion
wishes her to be restored. Restore Queen Anne In the name of
the great army of sparkling wits who hang a seml eernal joke upon
her deadness, we do protest.
A MAN named Looney has just been killed in a prizefight near
Liverpool. It may be interesting to those who study those matters
to learn that Looney is the slang term for an idiot. There seems by
this to be reason in the arrangement of slang, as well as in the roasting
of eggs and the putting-down of pugilism.
IT is satisfactory to discover that the man who got mixed up in a
row succeeded eventually in recovering his identity. The greatest
difficulty was to find the forty shillings. The usual caution" was not
nearly so hard to obtain.
THE Prefect of the Seine presents his compliments to Sir Fan and
begs to state that he never said the Lord Mayor was an old woman.
He said His Lordship was un Grand Maire. Hence the mistake.
GOLDEN opinions" are not convertible coin, though they are easily
68 FUIN r[AUGUST 14, 1875.
A PRACTICAL PURSUIT.-ONE FACT AND TWO SCENES.
SCENE 1.-A Village Tailor's :-Jones, who is rusticating, wants a pair of trousers shortened. Tailor is not at home, and as the boy in charge
doesn't seem to understand clearly, Jones, who prides himself on his mathematics, works out exactly what he wants on one of the legs. [Exit Jones.
A MORNING paper
notices the arrival at
Aquarium of "nine
specimens of the in-
teresting little boar
fish; also some very
fine dog fish, which
for size may be
called sharks." The
boar fish bores us,
but we feel the pro-
foundest interest in
any dog fish which,
of mere bulk, maybe
called a shark-the
same degree of in-
terest that we should
feel in an eel which
for flexibility might
be called a rattle-
snake, an emerald
which for brilliance
might be called a
diamond, a lettuce
which for globosity
might be called a
cabbage, a valley
which for extent
might be called a
mountain, a lake
which for solitude
might be called an
SCENE 2.-A Country Lane, halj a mile away. Boy nearly exhausted and quite out of breath :
-" OY ZAY, ZUR, WILL 'EE 'AVE T'OTHER LEG DONE AS WELL, ZUR ? "
island, or a handker-
chief which for abil-
ity might be called
a daily newspaper.
THE Report of the
Foreign Loans Com-
mittee is made. The
of widows and or-
known, will of course
some of them
are looked upon as
and are beslavered
every day by those
who should be the
first to denounce
them. Oh, Enter-
prise and Finance!
to think you should,
when conducted on a
small scale, be
known as Theft and
FUTJN AUGUST 14, 1875.
ANOTHER ASSYRIAN DISCOVERY.
Curious Tablet, Supposed to Represent the High Priest Ben-Dizzy sacrificing the Interests of his Country
to the Great Grouse God.
AUGUST 14, 1875.]
MY father was a baron bold,
He dwelt beside the Rhine;
From crystal goblets chased with gold
Heo drank the German wine.
His trade was that of robber chief-
To make me one he tried;
But I would not become a thief,
For I had proper pride.
I came to London and began
(Fulfilling youthful dreams)
To benefit my fellow man
By grand financial schemes.
I feathered carefully my nest
While all my clients cried-
"For us he always does the best,
For he has proper pride."
At length there came a day when all
My castles came to smash.
I'd speculated on the fall,
And seemed to come a crash.
The orphan and the widow came,
And plaintively they sighed;
I sympathised with child and dame,
Displaying proper pride.
The day has passed, and they are gone
For ever from my view :
Another tack I'm sailing on-
I've shipped another crew.
As millionaire I churches build,
Fling bounty far and wide-
A peerage soon my name will gild,
And prove my proper pride.
Foreign to our Nature.
AN attempt is being made to raise a sum of money for
the sufferers by a recent earthquake in South America.
The idea that we should interest ourselves on behalf
of an English-speaking race is as impertinent as it
WHAT is the difference between the sailors' M.P. and
a thin Mary Ann ?-One is a Plimsoll, and the other's a
PEOPLE in Society are like fish caught in a net, two thirds of them
are of no value whatever.
No wonder that foreigners find the English a difficult language.
How should a benighted barbarian know that off to the moors" con-
stantly means going to Margate ? "
The lowest dresses are worn in the highest circles.
If you wish to make a bitter enemy, offer to be of assistance to a man
in difficulties, and then-help him.
If you want to be popular with women, get it spread abroad that
you are a "sad rake." Rakes are the finest implements of hus-
Husbands are not easy to get, and the worst of it is that when got
women often have to keep them.
Women's dresses at present, like a thrilling novel in a stupid maga-
zine, cover a deal of padding.
Carvers are self-reliant men; they can always help themselves.
If you are able to get round a man you can see through him too.
And you'll often find there isn't much in him.
The easiest pedestrian feat in the world is for two women to run
down another. They never tire-it is only the other's reputation
that is blown."
When two women speak well of each other, you may be sure that
they have a secret in common.
To borrow money when they are hard up is as difficult to some men
as it is to others to lend it when they are well off.
When a person tells you that he has an idea in his head he tells you
the exact truth.
An Arch Question.
A soN of Joseph Arch has been charged with stealing watches.
Where ought he to have been tried ?-In the Court of Arches, of
"'THE HIGHER EDUCATION."
"AND WHAT MADE THE MASTER FLOG YOU, JOHNNY? "
"'CAUSE, WHEN 'E SAID I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING, I SAID 'E WOR A LIAR
AN' I COULD LICK 'IM AT MARBLES-THAT'S ALL "
JONES, who his gentle spouse to Deal had taken
One day, about some trifle, in a huff
Administered (her conscience to awaken)
Upon her damask cheek a playful cuff.
"You fiend !" she cried, a woman thus to batter,
You call yourself a man I say you're not one-" [clatter,
"Pooh! Pooh!" growled Jones; "my dear, pray cease your
You came here for a blow, and now you've got one."
THm Daily Telegraph has taken the animal world and the weather
under its complete control. At present it is managing the Zoological
Gardens, and issuing daily barometers. The report that our con-
temporary will shortly open a fried fish shop and take Wombwell's
Menagerie round the country is vigorously denied by the office-boy,
who wouldn't stop an hour if they was to come that game." He
draws the line at penny barometers.
Shaw and Sultan.
MR. JOHN SHAW, the Manager of the South-Eastern Railway, has
been presented by the Sultan of Zanzibar with a splendid dagger.
The Sultan was riglt in his conclusion that something killing would
be in a railway official's line. By-the-by, the paragraphists inform
usthat the sheath of the present was "beautifully worked." We
expect that "beautifully" here means "satisfactorily."
Bill of the House !
Ma. GLADSTONE having forfeited his right to the title of the
Peoples' William, oh account of retirement from active service, his
friends are endeavouring to find him another. We beg to suggest
that, on account of his skill in flaying his adversaries alive, he might
be called Vivisection Bill.
F IT N
72 FU [AuGUsT 11, 1875.
AN HISTORICAL REPETITION.
Br Oun OwN AND ONLY LLNER. W
IT was a very wet night. One sf the wettest
that even Mr. Jeremy Jenkins had ever ex-
perienced; and as Perpetual Primo of the ,,
Blatant Buffers, he had a rather extended ex-
perience in such matters. I don't so much
refer to the rain, though that poured down
rather heavily. What I mean was that the
Blatant Buffers had been initiating a lot of \
new members, and that the gatter had been
circulating freely. And Mr. Jenkins was
pretty well soaked through both ways, as he
trundled himself along Oxford-street, and at
last stopped under the Marble Arch just to j
pull himself together, and collect his faculties //
for the necessary divergence down the Edg-
ware-road. For Jeremy lived at Paddington;
and somehow or other he always found the (,
greatest difficulty when he was the least bit
"disguised in turning off at the proper place.
He had, after grand special meetings of the
Buffers, been known to go wandering on and
on down the Oxford-road until overtaken by
slumber, or met by some friendly policeman.
But he was determined that nothing should
lead him astray on this particular occasion,
and so he stopped under the friendly shelter
of the Marble Arch to wring the rain out of
his hat, and consider what was the next
As Jeremy turned from the ordinary path,
and stood by the great gates which lead into u'.a ...
the Park, all was dark and still. Within and
without there was nothing to be heard but -the drip, drip, of the rain,
unless it were the heavy footfall of some belated wayfarer, or the cry
of the night-hawk as she took her way to the blissful banks of the
Serpentine River, there to gaze on the beautiful barracks, and sing
the song that soldiers love. All was silent as the grave; though I
have known the gay to be equally silent, with half as much provoca-
tion. And as Jeremy leaned against the palatial pillars of the majestic
as well as marble structure, he almost forgot Paddington, while he
mused with sweet sadness, and thought of the happy days when he
was again a child. A-h! let not the grown-the full-grown and
adolescent-feel too proud of their happy position. There is some-
thing in the time of happy childhood which will soften the stoutest in
the moment of remembrance, and cause him to yearn for toffee and
hardbake, not to say brandy-balls, jumbles, and almond rock. Even
stick-liquorice then has its charms, and the remembrance of ribstone
pippins once more blossoms forth in all its pristine greenness.
Such wore a few of the reflections which ran through the mind of
Jeremy Jenkins, Perpetual Primo of the Blatant Buffers ; and he was
just about to give way to the emotions which thronged thick and fast
through his inmost soul when a hand was laid on his shoulder. At
first he thought the interruption came from a policeman, and, being
used to the infliction, was preparing to move on, when suddenly he
was aware of the presence of several men clad in complete mail.
There they were, armed cap-C-pie and hat-a-pie, as well as Ca outrance
and h la mort. Some preferred to be a-la-mode" and simmered in
their own gravy, and others sang blithely a roundelay. Many were
on horseback, and all were provided with stir-
rup-cups. 'Ifackins, it was a merry sight and
a goodly, as these knights and men-at-arms
adjusted their lances and commenced their
prances, and then to the music of pipes and
tabors, of muffled drums, and mops and
brooms, proceeded to justify all further
proceedings. And what is most astonishing
of all, Jeremy Jenkins wasn't a bit afraid, but
felt as if he had been used to it all his life, and
t could draw a long bow with any one of them
-. he saw present.
All this while the hand remained on his
shoulder. It might have been only a minute,
or it might have been an hour, while J. J.
was looking around and taking in what I have
S*g described; but there was the hand; and when
S my hero had satisfied himself that it was all -
true and correct, and had arrived at the con-
clusion that he wasn't a Buffer at all, but a
S new and noble knight with his hauberk
shining bright, he turned round and beheld
gazing at him, with an air of intense interest,
a white-plumed warrior of noble mien, clad in
complete armour, and with a barred visor,
through which could be seen the marks of
many a Paynim foe. It was evident that he
had been in the wars, and that in his time he
had crushed many an enemy and many a
friendly flagon. He was undoubtedly a person
in authority; for behind him were mar-
shalled several knights in fantastic armour
and faces to match, while esquires stood at a
respectful distance, and basked in the smiles
of their various employers, or wrote
sonnets to their lights o'-love, and set
AUGUST 14, 1876.] FU N. 73
them to the music of the fitful castanet. It was no longer
night, nor was it wet; for a glorious golden sunset seemed to bathe
everything in the light of other days, and all the world wondered.
Not so, however, did Jeremy Jenkins, who, with the exception of
feeling a little thirsty, was quite at his case, and longed to follow to
the field some warlike lord, even such as the one before him. As if
divining what was passing in the mind of the Perpetual Primo, the
warrior called for a horn of hippocras, which he emptied at a draught,
and then, after a preliminary flourish of trumpets, he spoke.
Jeremy, long have I watched over you from a distance, and
admired. I am Richard Plantagenet, known to the vulgar world as of
the Lion Heart,--and these are my friends and followers. Nay, gaze
not thus sceptically, for though we are dead, and comfortably buried, we
are occasionally allowed to walk this earth. This is our trysting spot;
and though it is not given to mortal eyes, as a rule, to behold us, we
admire you so much that a special grant has been made by the
nocturnal parliament, so as to allow of your joining us in our
festivities. I will now introduce you."
With that, the monarch-pulled a bugle from his waistcoat pocket,
and the Wa-sa-hoa !"'" pealed merrily across the glades of Kensington.
Then the halfpenny echoes took up the sound, and the air seemed
full of music. Hardly had: this died away when there came trooping
from every angle of the-dim vista of the past men renowned in song
and story.. Robin Hood, Little -John, and Much. the Miller were
jostled by Friar Tuck and Isaac of York, while Maid Marian, now
well advanced: in years and flesh, was especially cordial in her greeting
of Mr. Jenldna, and. expressed a wish that she could, for his sake, have
been bor in the nineteenth century instead of in the days of chivalry.
Wear this," she said, in token of my esteem and tenderness." And
taking a bee from her bonnet, she pressed it in his hand and passed on.
What sounds are these that break upon the ear, and ravish with
their dulcet melody ? Two lovely youths of the period-troubadours,
in fact-march past, and give off the vocal and instrumental music of
which poets and historians have so often written. And following
immediately in their wake come Quintin Matsys, the famous Antwerp
blacksmith, and his less famous but still more formidable rival, Hal of
the Wynd, the Gow Chrom of the City of Perth, which I may as well
state is in Scotland. And all this while he of the Lion Heart and
Curtal Axe stands by the side of Jenkins, and receives his share of the
homage so well and so gracefully paid to true greatness. Alas! that
modern misanthropy should have been allowed to interfere, and
degrade with its interference !
So far I have told the story as 'twas related'in my presence, omitting
only those portions which seemed at all improbable. I have left
Jenkins standing by the side of Richard Plantagenst, because after
this his statements become rather doubtful, and possess a spice of
romance which is hardly fitted for the sober chronicle of the police-
court reporter. Yes, I grieve to say that the foregoing is the substance
of a narrative told to the worthy magistrate by Jeremy Jenkins when
he was charged with being drunk and incapable. The usual fine was
inflicted, and the defendant left the court with his friends; but with
the exception of some rather wild and rambling statements, which I
have carefully excised, I am inclined to believe that the story is sub-
stantially correct. And so, I feel sure, will the gentle reader.
A TEMPERANCE "STALL."
THE head of the clergy has father'd a plan
For restraining from liquor the labouring man.
He's a company ready to start in the street
Stalls and barrows designed with the pubs. to compete,-
To cater, in fact, for the dram-drinking fools
After strict Church of England and Temperance rules.
Oh, pious philanthropists, why let us see
That your charity's tainted with s. and d. ?
Of his hardly-won earnings the coster you'd cheat,
And take to yourself all the trade of the street.
Make the poor man your hobby, but don't have it said,
While you kept him from beer you were stealing his bread.
A Theatrical Correction.
IT is not true that at a certain small histrionic club in the neighbour-
hood of the Strand, actors and dramatic authors are specially retained
to stand about the door and talk" shop" for the benefit of the City
gentlemen who are so cordially invited to enter, but who still pause
upon the threshold. The mistake arose through a dramatic critic and
a waiter having had a parting glass and a jovial conversation on the
doorstep. It is ridiculous to think that any actors of position, or
authors of repute, would exhibit themselves for nothing, or, at all
events, without publishing the kind permission of their courteous
and respective proprietors.
A BoDY COACHsAN.-A hearse driver.
AN INTERMUNICIPAL SONG.
JE suis le Maire do quelque part,
What matters wo es ist ?
Ici h Londres je suis une star
Upon the civic list.
J'adoro this English land of thine,
Ach ja ich lieb' es sehr,
And with the Mayors I came to dine
Across your sehrecklich mer.
Ich habe gern your meats and drinks,
Your banquet and your ball.
You feast and, f8te me recht und links,
J'aime beaucoup your Guildhall.
Ah! comme les dames sont bonnes et, elfcst,
Les ladies d'Angletcrre;
Nicht mehr, je pense, you love tco. well
Your sisters et vos m6res.
Was ist the Deutsches Vaterland ?"'
Und auch the Marseillaise,"
Jo chanted along the busy Strand
And shout, Eep, Eep, who rays."'
Chaque homme j'apelle "mon vieux ami,'
Chaque femme j'apelle ma chire ;"
Et quand they run me in je dis,
Ich bin ein Foreign Maire.
WANTED TO KNOW.
Ir a wife is only called a help meat when she carves the dinner.
If a theatre is called a temple of art because actors are such fer'ud
If the report that the Prince of Wales is learning Hindoostance,
has Hindoostanee one to fellow his example.
If ladies wear tight riding dresses because they object to loose
If Geranium Moore' intends to behave better for the Fuchsia.
If Bakers have more hours of knead than other mortals.
If Mr. Plimsoll intends to abolish unseeworthy Bishops.
If Sir Henry James has adopted as his motto -" A Loan--- I
If the manager of the Brighton Aquarium says, "I tank you,"
when a new fish gets himself caught.
If the coffee sold at the new temperance street stalls is allowed to l(,
If Kenealy's cub when he puts up for Parliament is an Ahmed
man in the field.
FIFTEEN sailors were the other day marched off to prison for
declining to sail across the Atlantic in a ship which was considered
strong enough for anything. Just to demonstrate their unreasonabl-
ness "-the expression is not ours-a survey was made by a Board of
Trade official, who declared the ship was utterly rotten and unseawor-
thy. Then the men who had been cast in a felons' prison were released;
and, as things go, ought to think themselves very lucky indeed to got
off so well. It is in the face of such events as these, and others which
have far less satisfactory endings, that Mr. Disraeli boasts of the pro-
sperity -and satisfaction of the country. Maybe, though, his notion
of the country only includes two divisions-heaven-sent aristocrats
and gentlemen who live by their wits-of which latter he is such an
admirable specimen himself.
More Kin than Kind.
THE magistrates of Leominster recently discharged a farrier who
was proved to have used gross cruelty to a donkey, on the ground
that "perhaps the donkey objected to be shod quietly." Though
they evidently possessed a thorough knowledge of the peculiarities of
asses, it is worthy of remark that the usual fellow-feeling was absent.
Somehow or other, the one touch of nature had lost its effect. h;it
then familiarity always did breed contempt.
A GETL.EMAN named Blewitt applied the other day to the Lords
Justices of Appeal for an order to convict the Lord Chancellor for con-
tempt of court. The'ancient ditty which tells of Little Boy Blewitt,
and advises him to blow on his horn, is likely to sink into utter
insignificance before the new claimant, whose Blowing powers are so
much more novel, but who will probably have to pay quite alarmingly
"for his whistle."
74 F T N [AUGUST 14, 1875.
First Son of Toil (to inquiring Stranger) :-" FrST TO Tn' BIGHT, M1ATEY!."
Second Do.:-"No IT Am'T, YER --- IT'S THE SECOND, OLE BUTTERCUP!"
Third So.:-"WHAT, AIN'T YER GOIN' TO GIVE US NOTHINK POR OUR TROUBLE, A 'OT DAY LIKE THIS?"
A LITTLE DIFFERENCE, It was palpably clear, all the universe through,
That a four was composed of a two and a two;-
Mr. A. was astonished and grieved, but he thought But, if poor Mr. A. felt a longing to doubt it,
Mr. B. could explain-as he certainly ought. They'd better shake hands and say nothing about it.
Then the latter admitted the former was right;-
But he viewed the affair from an opposite light.
It was hard, in a country regarded as free, That's the Ticket.
That a pair. of true gentlemen could not agree;- IT is rumoured that our tramway cars are to be fitted with
So he merely remarked, as a modest suggestion, lightning conductors, the present race being found unequal to the
That much could be said on both sides of the question, demand made by traffic managers, or able to bear up against the
Mr. A. had been always a champion of Truth, patent ticket punch, No alteration in the drivers is yet contemplated.
And a friend of the Right from the days of his youth :--
Which assertion impelled Mr. B. to reply A Bank Holiday.
That he shrank from a falsehood and hated a lie. AT the earnest request of Sir John Lubbock, the Joint Stock Joke
As the question in point (like a good many more) Company, Limited, have consented that the day on which the London
Had been thoroughly sifted and settled before, and Westminster Bank commenced the prosecution of Messrs. Collie
He believed they had better take sides, now or never, shall not be called a Bank Collie day.
And make a decision at once and for ever.
Mr. A. only thought that the world would agree Euphuistic.
With his view of the matter against Mr. B.;- A IAN has just been imprisoned for one month with hard labour for
But his utterance merely provoked the remark being found in unlawful possession of tailors' tools. Can this be con-
That the said Mr. A. must be quite in the dark. sidered a new phase of the noble art of thimble-rigging ?
H "Ifindittobea very useful and excellent preparation."-, ..H. ASsaall, M..D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.--WHOLESALE, WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP E.C.-
Sby D CO.,P, St. 's .,Do Commo, nd the or) t ,, .- do, 14 1875.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phonix Works, st. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commous, and Pablished (for the Proprietor) at S0, Ileet-sftreet, B.C.-London, August 14, 1875.
AUGUST 21, 1875.1
SIR PEACOCK PHRASER.
Sin PEACOCK PHnASER begs to state
To whom it may concern,
Some silly nonsense talked of late
Has made his bosom burn.
He's heard it said by wicked men
About a recent case,
That by its course the Upper Ten
Are spatter'd with disgrace.
Sir Peacock justly prides himself
Upon his noble blood :
His ancestors, in search of pelf,
Came over with the flood.
It is his duty to declare
The rumour all a hoax,
And that the implicated pair
Are only common folks.
Sir Peacock grants that arms and art
May raise a man in time;
Great learning, too, may rank impart,
And skill in prose and rhyme.
But when misfortune comes to pass,
Or evil deed is done,
The parties shan't disgrace the class
Of which Sir Peacock's one.
Sir Peacock Phraser likes to meet
All people who're in luck;
With anyone he's glad to eat
Who leads the social ruck.
But when about his former friend
There's scandal or a fuss,
Sir Peacock cries, with nose on end,
He isn't one of us! "
A BARLEY CREDIBLE RUMOUR. That
Mr. Corney Grain is writing a cereal for
Sanguine Papa :-" AH, MY DEAR SIR, I ASSURE YOU THAT BOY or MINE HAS THE MOST
WONDERFUL TALENTS. HE'LL BE A GREAT MAN, SIR-A GREAT MAN! "
Oynic-il Friend:- "WELL, OLD FELLOW, THEY SAY THE BOY IS FATHER TO THE MAN;
SO YOU'LL BE GETTING QUITE SENSIBLE YOURSELF, SOON!"
SOME MAGAZINES FOR AUGUST.
THE continuation of This Son of Vulcan," in London Society, is
amusing, especially to those whose recollections of the days of pugilism
are in any way accurate. The selection of real names and imaginary
-nay, impossible-attributes for fistic heroes would be suggestive of
astonishment, were it not that those who pin their faith to Fistiana "
and the sporting papers rarely or never read the magazines; which, for
the sake of their moral and intellectual improvement, is to be regretted.
"Rapier" is sharper and better tempered than heretofore. The St.
James's seems pretty well devoted to serials and poetry, one specimen of
the latter being continuous. The work generally is good, but we
trust Captain Boyton is not going to run on in print for ever. La
Manche has been altogether very profitable to the inflator, despite the
disappearance of the champagne. Tinsley's is a moderately good
number, which might have been improved by the omission of Dr.
Maurice Davies's Status Quo," and the substitution of something
more likely to interest the general reader. That there is nothing
like leather" this gentleman's contribution, though fairly enough
written, proves for the x-millionth time.
Leah" and the novelties of fashionable life still astonish the
readers of Temple Bar, which contains the first half of a good story
called Bitter Fruit," a title which, by the way, has been used under
various disguiguises before now. "Her Dearest Foe is continued, and
the rest is fair enough if it is simply to be regarded as padding. But
why pad? Being unable to answer, we turn to the Argosy for inspira-
tion, and find it not. We find, however, what will do very well
instead, a really good sixpen'orth. Henry Kingsley does once in a
way as substitute for Johnny Ludlow, and the short poems have a
pathetic feeling about them which compensates somewhat for lack of
quality. By the way, we may as well ask here, Why is it the fashion
now for magazine writers to make constant reference to George Eliot ?
Is it "by arrangement" or "kind permission ?" Anyhow, it is
The fashionable costumes in Le Follet are beautiful; so are the
ladies who wear them. The figures of the latter are, as a rule,
suggestive of the extremely altitudinous society in which they move.
Good Things is clever as well as good-the combination being
sufficiently unusual to merit special remark; and the Gardener's
Magazine is indeed seasonable reading. Apropos of seasonable reading,
Cook's Excursionist, which we have not seen for a long time, claims the
attention of all the migratory tribes. Alas! that we cannot number
ourselves among them. Yet, even if we could, the Excursionist offers
such an embarrassment of riches that we should very likely have to
stay in London from utter despair of making a choice.
Mrs. Oliphant's new story, The Curate in Charge," commences
in this month's Macmillas, and promises to be more than usually
interesting. This is, however, not to be regarded as more than a pro-
mise, for most serial novels, especially the serial novels written by
ladies in magazines, promise exceedingly in their first numbers; but,
as a rule, the sustained effort" produces anything but a sustained
interest. "A Chapter of University History" and "A Dead Man"
are the best of the other contributions. Cuckoo" is rather silly
verse, and therefore should be much praised by the reviewers.
The Atlantic Monthly is as usual extremely attractive. In addition
to a really fine poem by James Russell Lowell, we find a continuation
of Mark Twain's Old Times," which were to all appearance concluded
some time back. The humorist is at his best in this instalment, but
even he and Lowell have to give pride of place to Oliver Wendell
Holmes, whose Old Cambridge only wanted to have been written
by an Englishman to become famous for all time. Scribner's is full of
good stuff admirably illustrated. The criticisms in both these
miscellanies on English and American art, literature, etc. are very able.
The two serial stories now running in the Gentleman's are about the
best things of the kind we have read for a long while, and almost
make us forget our oft-expressed opinion that one story "to be con-
tinued" is quite enough at a time for one magazine. We are glad to
note that the editor evidently thinks quality worth consideration in the
selection of his contributions, a test so rarely applied now-a-days that
we had begun to fancy it was quite gone out of date.
Thle lestmninster Papers have lost their usual charm for us, the
"Dramatic Notes" being absent. The Sunday at Home and Iei,.'rc
Hour are up to their usual high standard of excellence in the peculiar
way they take, and a word of undiluted praise may at the same time
be given to Golden Hours and its little companion, Sunshine, for their
pure and extremely.pleasant reading.
We have also received:-Once a Week, Colburn's New Monthlly,
Penny Illustrated, Hardwicke's Science Gossip, St. John's Magazine (an
amusing little miscellany in its first No.), Journal of Horticulture,
Life-Boat, Torkman's Club Journal, Photographic News, Pictorial
World, etc., etc., etc.
76 FU .
SUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 18, 1875.
GIANTS AND PIGMIES.
Rici meats, strong wines, a mansion fair,
With flunkeys lounging in the hall;
A carriage and a dashing pair,
A butler grave, a porter tall:
Of friends a vast and strong array,
A song of praise from dulcet throats,
A splendid dinner ev'ry day,
A purse well lined with gold and notes.
While, temp'ring all, there reaches to the sky,
The widows'-orphans'-wild despairing cry!
Thus onward plods the giant thief-
A thing of light, a joy for aye;
To him there comes nor pain nor grief,-
His game is large-he finds it pay.
And even should there come a crash,
There's still a little private store;
He merely moderates his dash,
And lives contented as before.
While petty thieves are made to weep and grieve,
The moneymonger laughs within his sleeve.
Now that we have at last arrived at the end of the Session, and have
a little leisure for consideration, the position in which the people of
England stand with regard to their pastors and masters might be
made fair subject for discussion. Not only will the past six months uf
misrule in fhe House afford food for argument, but the conduct of
those whom Providenee has placed in other positions of trust and
importance might be scrutinised with advantage. Providence must
have been exceptionally thoughtful when "decreeing that men should
sit upon theMagisterial Benchwhose knowledge of law is onlyparalleled
by their ignorance of justice-such men as those whose latest act has
been the punishment of a girl for being modest and virtuous. There
is a consistency, though, about the acts of our great unpaid which
possesses a certain charm, and it would really seem wrong in any
particular Bench to mete out justice and exhibit common sense to the
express detriment of their fellow J.P.s in less enlightened portions of
the country. Among other matters worthy of attention at the present
time is that of a Judge who has been notoriously hard upon small
sinners because they were members of the lower class, and who when
he has a brutal ruffian of rank before him passes the most lenient
sentence within his power; while, as he does so, his grovelling adula-
tion of caste and its advantages is nauseatingly manifest. This must be
remembered in fairness to those whose acts are so constantly the sub-
ject of attention, and to whom we have just referred- the unpaid county
magistrates. When these questions have been sufficiently discussed,
and satisfaction with the present state of things is assumed, attention
may be turned once more to the results of the recent Session, and the
benefits which are likely to accrue to the people therefrom. The words
of Mr. Disraeli and his colleagues may, by inquiring minds, be com-
pared with their deeds; and then-well, then, those of us who are not
contented with our present position, socially, morally, and politically,
had better point out where a commencement should be made in the
way of reform. Frankly, we could not ourselves decide, without
more mental effort than is usual with us, where the first step is most
A QUOD PRO QUO.
KENEALY thinks our judges fail,
When sending men of mark to jail,
To treat them like their poorer brothers:
He thinks a culprit, though a swell,"
Should make his bed and clean his cell,
And do exactly like the others.
We share his views, but beg to add
A laugh within our sleeve we had
When Dickson's arrow, shot at random,
Taught Dewdrops with a vicious prod,
He too has fared too well in quod-
Which was Quod erat demonstrardum.
An Odyous Offence.
Ma. On)y, a relieving officer of St. George's, is doing nine months'
for spending money on himself that was intended for the poor. He
ought to be much in demand among Uncharitable Organisation
Societies when he comes out. He certainly understands the virtue
upon which their officials prosper.
THE CRICKET OFF THE
On, MICE AND MlSERY A MODERN
[AUGUST 21, 1875.
WHEN John Smith came home to his tea that evening, it wasn't ready
for him, and, as a matter of course, he had to wait. John Smith was
a very patient man as a rule; and it had often been said of him that
he rarely or never lost his temper, except when provoked. I can't
vouch for this myself, except upon general principles, for I didn't
know John remarkably well. In fact, now I come to think about it,
I didn't know him at all, and am somewhat vague as to his name
being Smith. But it was John anyhow, and, as has been already
remarked, he was a man of extremely good temper, never flying in a
passion unless there was something to provoke him-such as the pepper
being too hot, or the vinegar too sharp, or the salt too saline, or, as it
might be, the water in which he was to wash too wet. All, as I take
it, very good provocations too, and worthy of considerable attention at
the hands of philosophers. When John-yes, his name was John-was
annoyed like this, he never allowed his passion to master him, and
rarely went beyond the moderate act for a husband in these degenerate
days of throwing the offending things at his wife, or kicking the
baby, or jumping on the lodger's hat and overcoat, which usually
hung in the hall. This latter performance was only allowable when
the lodger wasn't about himself. For John-I'm really now in doubt
as to whether that is the right name after all-was not very quarrel-
some, though as he said himself as shouldn't, he had his little
weaknesses, and in the interests of common sense and the great British
public felt obliged to give way to them.
But we must go back for a time to discover why John-well, let us
say John-had to wait for his tea.
Mrs. William Brown was sitting by the fire nursing the baby.
She was the wife of the gentleman mentioned in the last chapter,
whose name was unfortunately stated to be Smith. The kettle was
on the hob, and the bark was on the sea-I mean the dog was on
the hearthrug; the baby was smiling in its sleep; and the cricket was
on the hearth chirping away as it watched the muffins and crumpets
being cooked for the tea of the proprietor, who was expected home
shortly, quite unconscious of the fact that in the earlier portion of this
veracious history his name had been tampered with. Of course he
was a carrier ;-he used to carry coals to Newcastle, pigs to Putney,
soap to Barnes, hammers to Hammersmith, and whim-whams to
Wimbledon. He was on his return journey now, and was expected
to draw up his express goods van and tender every moment. And
Mrs. John Brown-oh, what a nuisance-didn't I tell you it was
William Smith!-put on a fresh batch of pancakes, and gave the
teapot an extra twist as she thought of the beaming face of her good-
natured husband and his long and arduous voyages.
Suddenly the cricket stopped-and went to the cupboard. Deprived
of its cheerful voice, the lady of the house felt quite disconsolate. It
was as if the one culminating point of the chief ingredientic portion
of success were wanting; and so she slowly, and in sorrow, followed
to stir up the cricket, and discover .why he was silent. But this
deserves a chapter to itself.
Mrs. Adolphus Robinson-I really must apologise, but after much
investigation I find that, that, is the right name, and no other-opened
the door gently. Very gently, and to slow music.
Why does, she turn ghastly pale ?
Why does she shriek and fall to the ground, dropping the baby,
thus giving the dog an opportunity of running off with the muffins
and crumpets, likewise the pancakes and the plate-of upsetting the
teapot and the kettle, and sending everything to eternal smash ?
Why, Oh why! Ochone, as well as wirrah-as-thrue !
Sitting bolt upright in the cupboard was a. large mouse, with a circle
of little mice round him, devouring the, cricket, and evidently
enjoying the repast.
Oh horror! horror! Oh woe woe !
But it was no use saying woe, for they would not, stay, and the
repast was more than half through.
And the cricket was gone-for aye and for evermpre, and darkness
descended like a wet blanket on that devoted house, and on. the grief
and the grumbling within.
And the landlord is of opinion that. mousetraps might have pre-
vented it, and a good cat would have been a dead certainty..
While the verdict of the public was that it served, the cricket right
for giving up his natural and dignified position on the hearth and
going in the cupboard.
After much investigation I find' that the name of the sorely afflicted
cricket proprietor was not as given above. It, was.- On second
thoughts, however, I will reserve his right name for a forthcoming
novel of thrilling interest and aristocratic.tendencies.
BIRDS OF PASSAGE.
BY A NR'ERGOREANOBaORLONGTBELLOW.
THE feathered songsters of the grove.
Are charming in their way;
Though 1 prefer the bird& thatove
The sea-girt, iales of spray.
The albatross, as: Coleridge, sung,
Is monarch of. them all;
And dwells the. elements among,
In sunshine and in squall!
At Ramsgate you may sea.tthe gull
With angry billiew fight;
At Brighton, too, and eke, at. Hull
The storm-birds wing their flight.
But, oh of all the tribes of air
For swiftness when afloat,
Commend me to the Osprey's care-
I mean the Woolwich boat!
AT a public meeting recently held at Bedford to celebrate the
release of Samuel Dawson, considerable disturbance.was created by an
individual who was immediately found to be insane. The rapidity
with which a public decision concerning his mental condition was
arrived at would be marvellous but for the fact that he upheld the
treatment of Dawson, and praised the. conduct of unpaid magistrates
generally. Such proof naturally cut the throat of deliberation. We
do not believe that his insanity was in any way connected with D. T.
A MAN has just been sent to prison for scratching his wife with
his finger nails." The wretch-thus.to make a woman the sufferer by
one of her own especial privileges! If he'd been a good man and true
he would simply have knocked her down and then kicked her. For
this a fine of five shillings would have been very naturally considered
quite sufficient, and he might have left the. court and liquored with
his friends." We are glad to note that now and again our county
justices have some notion of the eternal fitness. of things.
A Matter of Taste.
A GENTLEMAN committed suicide the other day "because he had
money in -the Turkish Bonds." This action, though prompt and
decided, has in no way relieved the condition of the amount invested.
Brown is of opinion that to commit suicide because you have money
anywhere is a waste of energy. He only does it under an entirely
opposite set of circumstances.
"BLOCK ORkAMENrs."-Wood engravings.
AN UPPER CLASS MISDEMEANANT.
CoPORnAL BUTCHER, despite my efforts as an impartial judge, you
have been convicted of riding in a third-class railway carriage with
the intention of being a first-class misdemeanant. The effect upon
your social and professional career will be agonising. The fat barmaid
at the Fife and Drum will cut you dead; you will be reduced to the
rank of a private and the pay of a pauper. In determining your
punishment I am not permitted by law to take these incidental griefs
into consideration, nor have I the desire; but in the course of your
trial I have observed that you bear a small but possibly painful mole
on the salient angle of. your nose. It is. a mitigating circumstance
which I cannot overlook-; and (casually explaining that if you had
been found guilty of some impossible crime I should have mercilessly
awarded you an inconceivable penalty) I now pass upon you a sentence
appropriate to the actual circumstances of the case. First, you are
fined 1,000,000, the court taking an I 0. U for that amount.
Secondly, you will be confined for one year in Buckingham Palace, in
such a. way, and under such conditions, as will be most agreeable to
yon and your friends. And now, miscreant, begone "
With these terrible, words ringing in my ears I bowed profoundly
to the Judge, and left the Court-room. A constable met me at the door,
and seemed about, to lay his dirty hand upon my shoulder. I stopped
-I transfixed him with a look! Slowly, icily, and with military
hauteur I pronounced his doom:
Get farther away-I won't have you so near! "
Words fail me to describe, the effect; of this speech. Humiliated,
discomflced, diumbfoundered, and flabbergasted, that shrinking minion
of the law turned miserably upon his heel, and slunk away, muttering
that he. had heard it before,
Stretching away from the, door of the Court-room-where a
mysterious black dog had now taken position, and was clearing his
throat. preparatory to exeentinguthe Dead March in Saul, a performance,
afterward favourably criticised in a daily paper-was a double row of
helmeted caitiffs, extending to, the gateSoi Buckingham Palace. They
looked like an avenue of poplars in a,French landscape. Down this
avenue I stalked with haughty mien,.my soul aflame at the indignity !
I was. wrong-; either they had been put there merely to do me rever-
ence, or-they had heard, as by electrical transmission, my crushing
reply to the myrmidon at, the door; Anyhow, they successively bowed
with. silent deference as I passed. The effect was peculiar; the bobbies
behind and before stood in emphatic rigidity-those to the right and left
bending-in explanatory obsequiousness. Moving, a parenthetical I,"
down this avenue of admiration points, I arrived at the gates of my
prison house. My subsequent fate may be best described in the words
of the Court Newsman:-
Corporal Butcher was, in the first instance, placed in the throne
room, and throughout his term of captivity will be kept separate from
her Majesty's menials, whose duty it will be to wait on him. He is
allowed to wear the royal robes, order his meals from the royal
kitchens, dine off the royal plate, and use, if necessary, the royal
appetite. The Governments of France, Spain, Portugal, and
Germany have been requested to supply wines to his order, not
exceeding a tun per day. He is not required to wash his own face nor
trim his own nails, these services being performed by the Lord Cham-
berlain, in the absence of a certain Exalted Personage. The books in
the British Museum and the pictures in the National Gallery have
been placed at his disposal, and all Pickford's vans chartered for their
conveyance to the Palace. He may write or receive as many letters as
he likes, provided only that he use none but perfumed ink and
gilt-edged paper, and correspond only with respectable people or
members of the aristocracy. Lastly, he may have in as many friends
as he may wish to see, with their wives, children, wet nurses and
dead ancestors-the last in wicker coffins from the depot at Stafford
Such, alas! is the hard lot of' a railway passenger -who sought
accommodation of a class superior to that for which he had taken a.
THE editor of the Norwich Dispatch has called the editor of the
Norwich Argus "a musical bung," and paid 20 for the privilege.
Had he used the term "melodious lie" instead the result would
probably have been more in harmony with his feelings, and he would_
have got off with a lower note.
Milk for Babes."
MR. GLADSTONE *rites to a German author on the limited power of
temporal minds over spiritual matters. This is as it should be.
Having settled the question of French wines a long time back, Mr.
Gladstone now turns his attention to German spirits.
AN IDLE WoRsnsr.-A magistrate on, his holiday.
AUGUST 21, 1875.]
U N -. [AUGUST 21, 1875.
0 ERIN, MY COUNTRY!"
"I'VE NOT SEEN YOUR GRANDFATHER ABOUT LATELY, BIDDY. Is HE UNWELL ? "
"IS IT 'UNWELL, YE SAY, MISS? SURE THEN, THE HEADACHE HE'S GOT IN HIS BIG TOES WOULD DO YOUR EYES GOOD TO SEE, LADY.
HIS SHUFFERIN' IS AWFUL, BUT, AS HE SAYS, HE BEARS IT FOR HIS SHINS, AND THE HONOUR OF WOULD IRELAND."
THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
THE trial of Colonel Baker, or rather the shameless publicity given
to it by the daily newspapers, has borne the fruit that might have been
expected from so lusty but unwholesome a tree; already no fewer than
four men have been arrested on charges of indecent assault in railway
carriages. For these "cases" the public are undoubtedly indebted
to the stimulating effect of the famous trial upon the imitative faculty ;
but whether the accused have imitated Colonel Baker, or the accusers
Miss Dickinson, we have not the confidence to say. As the alleged
offenders are all in a humble way of life it is at least certain that their
judges will not imitate Mr. Justice Brett. Nor will they, if they go
to gaol, form the habit and manner of their lives upon the model of
" the first-class misdemeanant." On the contrary, they will be
abstemious and industrious, shunning the society of their friends,
rigidly eschewing the intellectual companionship of even the best
books and finest works of art, and performing their own menial offices
with meekest humility. In short, they will show by their general
demeanour that, however weakly they may have acted in a moment
of impulsive gallantry," they utterly disapprove of the common gaol
being degraded to a bower of bliss for sybaritic symposia. Many of
our contemporaries, we observe, do not.
MOTTO FOR PRINT COLLECTORS.-First impressions are best.
"LONG TO RAIN OVER US."
IN Phoenix Park Home Rulers lately met
To hear their Butt old Ireland's wrongs review,
But madly fled before the drenching wet,
Which fell in streams and quickly soaked them through.
'Twas ever thus, no ground can rebels gain
Against the influence of a steady reign.
A Vocal Cataract.
As an example of elegant diction, nothing could be finer than this
sentence from the Daily Telegraph's report of a meeting at Bedford:-
" Mr. Bull followed, dilating on the geranium case, amidst a perfect
cascade of hooting and groans." From the words "dilating" and
"perfect cascade" we infer that the speaker was a swell, and his
audience's vocal organs were consummately retch-ed.
A Base Singer.
A GENTLEMAN rejoicing in the name of Famero, who combines
operatic chorus singing with wife assaulting, has had a duet with
Mr. Newton to the tune of forty shillings or a month. If celebrity
has tainted Signor Famero's name he might appropriately reverse it,
and call himself a hero dejemme.
]F-U N -AUGUST 21, 1875.
K *~~' \Q)
~ / -
SPORT IN THE CITY.-A MISS-FIRE.
Tohn ull:--"NEVER MIND, I MUST TRY AGAIN AND SEE IF I CAN'T BRING DOWN SOME OF THE CARRION.
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME."
AUGUST 21, 1875.]
SONGS OF A SUBURB.
No IV.-THE IMPASSIBLE NEIGHBOUR.
IT'S a fact, that a mind
Even slightly refined
Must wonder at greatly, as well as deplore,
That a skeleton swings
With the linen and things
At the end of the neat little garden next door.
By such an affair
Being constantly there,
I fancy the place's appearance is marr'd;
And a gibbet is quite
An unusual sight
For a villa to have in its little back yard.
When you say, What the deuce
Is the possible use
Of that fanciful structure's attracting the eyes ?"
Your ears they regale
With the following tale
Of the Neighbour Who Wouldn't Give Way To Surprise !
When we'd people to tea,
And we couldn't agree
As to any amusement to keep us alive,
We always would send
For our volatile friend
At a thousand six hundred and seventy-five.
We would practise the art
Of affecting to start
On detecting his smart little knock at the door;
And our bosoms were glad,
For we knew that he had
A couple of little surprises in store.
On hearing him state
He was seventy-eight,
We would greet him with eyes that were awfully big.
And we'd jump with dismay,
When he'd suddenly say-
"Now you would t believe that I'm wearing a wig ? "
With expressions of doubt
We would tell it about,
And protest that we didn't believe it, and stare ;
And the party would stand
With his wig in his hand-
And then we'd ejaculate, Well-we declare! "
Now his neighbour next door-
(An emotionless bore)-
Would smile with stolidity fitting a pig,
With no sign of surprise
In his imbecile eyes
When he told him this tale of the age and the wig!
And by every plan
Did that elderly man
Attempt to astonish that neighbour, in vain,
Though he'd frequently call
To him over the wall,
When he'd make the disclosure again and again.
Ever scorning defeat,
He would often repeat:
"I will try till some sign of surprise he reveals."
And the gibbet he got,
Which enlivens the spot,
And he took and he hung himself up by the heels!
I will feign to be dead! "
He triumphantly said
" And my neighbour's surprise I am bound to secure! "
But the neighbour came out,
And observed him, in doubt,
And he punctured him through with a spike, to make sure.
There's the skeleton yet,
Though the house has been let
To a number of tenants-too many to tell;
But they all of 'em say
That it ain't in the way,
And there's something uncommon about it, as well!"
CONSCIENTIOUS UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
THOSE who are interested in the doings of juries may be satisfied to
find that the good people of Gloucester can produce a twelve with a
density power which might fairly be registered at twenty even among
provincial palladia." An hotelkeeper brought an action against one
of the sufferers by the Shipton railway accident of Christmas-eve
last-a lady, who, being an unwilling guest, naturally pleaded not
indebted. The honest jurors evidently thought so too, as, after
hearing the case, they brought in a verdict against the Great Western
Railway Company for 100. On being reminded that the Great
Western Railway was not a party to the action they again retired,
and presently delivered a verdict for the defendant for 100."
Being again instructed that the defendant did not claim anything,
they once more retired, to emerge with still another verdict, which
incorporated both those already given, but which wound up with an
intimation to the effect that the judge was there to judge, and that he
had better do his duty. If his lordship pleased he might alter the
verdict as he thought fit. We believe that Mr. Cross and the Lord
Chancellor, taking into consideration the worthiness of these men, and
their fitness for advocating the true Conservative cause, are about to
consult Mr. Disraeli on the advisability of appointing them to the
Commission of the Peace. And why not ? They would certainly
temper the high-class and educated zeal of such men as Moore, of
Spalding, while they could never sink below the moral level of such
brainless inanities as the Morpeth muddlers.
A DOG recently entered the shop of a Nottingham baker and seizing
a loaf of stale bread ran away. Being pursued, it sought sanctuary
by squeezing itself into a drain pipe. The subsequent proceedings "
were of an uninteresting character; but it was an odd thing for a dog
to do-creep into a drain-pipe with a loaf of bread! We can think of
but one explanation: the creature may have belonged to a maker of
sausages, and having observed the ingredients employed in the manu-
facture of those comestibles, thought it would make one, never drehm-
ing that anybody could have the heartlessness to molest a passive
and unoffending saveloy !
82 F N. [AUGUST 21, 1875.
THE BRITISH WORKMAN.-BY ONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
" WITS a housee built? Right yer are-you leave it to me."
" Why, 'ere's 'arf the day gorn, and on'y the second storey !. Bin a considering' too much !"
" No good 'angin' aboutand] considering' with a job o' this sort. Git it done afore it spoils!"
"Jest chuck the roof on, and there you are I" iSir *,
" Now, then-whadjer want a-touchin' of it afore it's dry ?" "There now Wodder tell yer T"
A PORTER'S CONFESSION.
1 As a porter at Baker-street Station.
I bought a hap'orth o' ripe apricocks off a barrow last night, and
I'm afraid something's going to happen .
I shouldn't like to die with anything on my mind, and I should feel,
maybe, easier like in my stummick if I made a clean breast of it.
I've been porter on the Underground, man and boy, these three
years come next 2.45 main line express as ever is. If I wander a bit
now and then put it down to them apricocks.
Baker-street Station ain't over lively-it's dark; and there's a smell o'
lucifer matches about-it as is irritatin' to the system. Folks gits out at it
what's going to see murderers, and Kenealys, and kings, and other
horrors, and altogether taint the sort o' place to see things cully der
hose, as the swells say. I got on there well enough at first though.
Sometimes there was a old gent coughed hisself into a fit with the
sulphur, sometimes it was a old lady head over heels down them brass
bound stairs of ourn; there was generally something to amuse a fellow.
I used to slam the doors loud and jam the third classes' fingers in, and
altogether things was bearable. But arter we got that order it was
the biggest spree you ever see.
What order ? Why, the order to chuck 'em in.
You see, the trains don't wait long on our line, and passengers is
ockard- specially afternoon passengers, which is generally old gents,
and kids, and women a-shoppin'. The way they used to get one leg
in the train and the other on the platform just as the train was start-
ing was something' offal!
At first we used to hit 'em in the stummick and pull 'em back, but
they was so ockard they'd tumble under the train, and them news-
paper chaps, which is always a-hanging about for accidcnks, used to be
down on us in their horgins.
So at last the governor-that's Mr. Miles-he sent orders along
the line that when we see a passenger a-hesitatin' we was to chuck
him in. It was no good a-askin' of 'em where they wanted to go to,
'cos they never knew theirselves under ten minutes to a quarter. You
never see such a game as we had arter that. If them apricocks 'ud
keep quiet I could laugh at it now.
We got such dabs at chuckin' 'em in that in a month we could chuck
in a dozen arter the train had started.
We practised on the third-classes first, but the seconds was the best
mark, 'cus they generally had parcels, and dropped'em.
But the offal part of it is-and that's what them apricocks is a-makin'
my mind uneasy about-we never knew where half o' the folks got
to. When they got out at one station if they wasn't pretty smart
they got chucked in again, and tossed about from train to train till
our 'ed superintendent couldn't a-told where they'd turn up at last.
I see one old gent up and down the line over three weeks, and he
must a got shifted on to the Districk, 'cos a month arter that I see a
reward of 20 in the papers for his whereabouts.
Some folks, they do say, used to get out up the line and settle there,
and some o' the old ladies got to the Manshun House and was took
away in busses, and never heard on again. One of the guards told me
one day as lots of 'em got shifted into Midlands and Northerns at
Moorgate, and was in the workhouses and lunatic asylums o' Bedford
and Manchester, and such like places.
At first the relatives used to go to the head office, known' they'd
been on our line, and make inquiries about 'em, and we used to let 'em
stand at the stations to see if they would recognise 'em as the trains
went through. But we used to chuck them in, too, or I'm afraid they
didn't find 'em.
I know there's many a empty chair in a 'ome, the occupants o'
which is a-watdering houseless over the railway system o' Hingland
through ime a-chucking of 'em in, and it's that what makes these
apricocks so hard to bear.
I should die happier if .1 thought some on 'era 'ud turm-n up all right
some day, and if anything happens to me, sir, 'praps you'd tell the
governor that that order o' his makes it hard for a cove when
apricocks is a-working on his conscience! You will? Thankee
A uEMARKABLE instance of sagacity comes from Belgium. An
engine-driver died suddenly while the train was at full speed. The.
result might have been terrible had it not been that the engine seemed;
quite sensible 'of the state of affairs, and actually'allowed itself to be
stopped by an unfamiliar hand. The event has caused quite a commotion
in the neighbourhood. Weather wonderful.
L O ST,a SCOTCH COLLIE. Was last seen fGuilklhall Police-court,
where his tale and his marks were the subject of inquiry. Had
a white collar round his neck, and answers to the name of Alexander.;
Whoever will .bring him .to C. Bailey, alias Old Bailey, will.receive
One Thousand Pounds reward.
THE FAITHFUL MATE.
THE mate he stood and he grasped a cup,
And his smile was light and gay,
And he rolled a bit as his crew came up;
And the crew they said, said they:-
Prepared we be for to put to sea,
And the captain's temper's bad
When he has to wait for his daring mate;
And you'd best look sharp, you had!"-
But the mate he said, with a trembling lip,
As he drained his goblet's dregs,
"No the mate will stand by the good old Ship'
While the mate can keep his legs!"
And the mate went in for to fill his cup,
With his quid between his teeth ;
And the host was a-pumping something up
With an engine, from beneath.
And the host he saw it was bad for him
For to have one drop more malt,
So water, up to that goblet's brim,
He poured, with a pinch of salt.
That mate he took but a single dip,
And he found it reether weak,
And he said, I'll be off from this 'ere old Ship,'
As I find she's sprung a leak! "
So the crew went off with an angry frown
And a word we will not speak,
But the mate he grinned, and the mate sat down
(For his legs were dreadful weak).
And the good Ship closed, and the landlord dozed,
And the silence round was deep;
And the pot-boy's snore was heard once more;
And the good Ship sank-to sleep.
As he tapped in vain for a final drink
The mate could only weep :
When the good old Ship,' he cried, shall sink,
Then the mate shall sink-to sleep."
"The Noble Salvage."
THE steamer Navarino has towed to Southampton the schooner
Henry, which she had unfortunately run down and almost sunk.
The master of the Navarino has been much applauded in benevo-
lent circles for not abandoning the crippled vessel, and we believe the
Royal Humane Society have it in contemplation to bestow upon him
their gold medal for saving life. Before hazarding any of our own
scanty stock of commendation upon this problematical benefactor we
shall wait to see if he bring an action for salvage.
An Impending Event.
BEINGm arrested on a charge of murder the other day, Philip
Goddard reflected for a moment, and then thoughtfully remarked,
I suppose it will be a hanging match." Mr. Goddard's notions of
what constitutes a "match" are manifestly nebulous. Except in a
homely familiar sense-from its having brimstone possibilities of fire
at the end of it-this event can hardly be called a match," for one
competitor is certain to win by a neck." Considering the admitted
probability of his initiation, Mr. Goddard will, we arc .sure, pardon
our use wf a technical expression pertaining to the mysteries of the
COLONEL BAKER is styled "a first-class misdemeanant." We pre-
sume because his misdemeanor took place in a first-class carriage.
Henceforward let the term first-class" be applied to anything
that is the vilest of its kind.
Another for Mr. Thorns.
An old lady aged .103 has died from 'falling out of bed. 'It is
probable that. she wals endeavouring to reaeh her next birthday,: and
A 1" Conn"-untirum.
"WailNAfr. Boucicault plays in the Slau.tharaun at Drury-lane, why
will he be like both sides of a question ?-Because he'll be a Pro and
Way does an Editor call himself "We ?"-Why, indeed! Because
if-he called himself "I "it would be singular.
AUGUST 21, 1875.]
84 FU N [AUGUST 21, 1875.
"LIBERTY IS SWEET."
Devout Old Lady has offered boy sixpence each Sunday if he will go to church.
Boy :-" WHAT, SIT IN THERE AN' 'AVE TO LISTEN TO PREACHER WHILE
I CAN EARN A BOB OUTSIDE! NO, THANKEE, MUM; BUT I'LL DO IT FOR
THE BOB-and the tanner too "
DOTS AND LINES.
LORD DuNszANY, in the course of a placid conversation in the
Upper House upon the Merchant Shipping Bill, proves that occasionally
hereditary titles fit their wearers. Dunce-inaneyor Dunce-any-amount
might, however, be a slight improvement for present use. Gentle-
man decreed to be mad because he thought he had won 50,000 on the
Derby. And another 50,000 from an official of Marborough House.
This latter supposition was considered sufficient proof for three
generations. = Man fined for allowing billiards at an illegal hour.
Was heard to say that it was a mere bagatelle. "Writ of error"
.consequent on the remark. = Two people at Brighton sent to prison
for illegal sporting-gunnery without a proper licence. They had
been shooting the moon. = Ryde Regatta. Ryding at anchor before
starting is at this particular regatta a special and peculiar feature.
Technical aquatic reporters, particularly those on the Telegraph,
should note this fact. == Morpeth magistrates virtually fine a servant
girl 3 10s. for practising a virtue they couldn't understand. Per-
haps, however, they wished to discourage such ambitious notions in
their own families. = Pitman kicked to death at Wakefield. No
excitement manifest, as the general inhabitants considered it only a
miner matter. = Prizes just awarded for essays on the objectionable-
ness of the damnatory clauses of the Athanasian Creed." The right
OH, swell on misdemeanor bent,
-Who helpless maidens would betray,
Know o'er you work your foul intent
The price, if caught, you'll have to pay.
If you the vilest outrage try,
And means to square cannot be found,
A gentle judge, with groan and sigh,
Will fine you just five hundred pound.
Think of it, think of it,-then, if you can,
Risk such a punishment, dissolute man.
A year in prison you may get,
Two private rooms will be your own,
And by command of Justice Brett
The best attention you'll be shown.
Your friends may call and smoke a weed,
And join you in a friendly glass,
And kindly warders duly fee'd
May o'en allow the fair to pass.
Think of it, think of it,-then, if you can,
Risk such a punishment, dissolute man.
The daily papers cut and aired,
The latest novels, plays, and mags,
Repasts, by chosen cooks prepared,
Will cheer the time that slowly drags.
Your boon companions, when they list,
May spend an idle night with you,
And play a dozen games of whist,
Or have an evening's quiet loo.
Think of it, think of it,-then, if you can,
Risk such a punishment, dissolute man.
And if perchance the army claims
The bliss of calling you her son,
The bravest men and fairest dames
Will cheer your exile with Well done :"
Then, when your year of grief is o'er
Again 'mid fashion's pets you'll stand,
Your little scrape dukes may deplore,
And princes shake you by the hand.
Think of it, think of it,-then, if you can,
Risk such a punishment, dissolute man.
A CoMMON SORT OF WATCH MOVEMENT."-" Up
to express adverse opinion as to dramatic representation is, however,
strictly reserved by prize winners. = Midland Railway takes 50,000
more than in corresponding half-year of 1874, despite the abolition of
second-class carriages. Mr. Allport gets the merited advantage of
both cash and credit. Parliamentary roguery. Pro-roguery,
A Gordon Knot.
MASTER ROBERT GORDON, aged 10, who was sentenced by a
clergyman to one month's imprisonment and five years' reformatory,
is to be helped out of his trouble by the Home Secretary. Robert's
offence was putting a pebble on a railway to hear it go scrunch.
There is a great moral in the case: clergymen upon the bench are
stones upon the rails of Justice, calculated to throw the train of
common sense off the line. After recent exposures, the persons who
continue to place them there should be as severely punished as was
NOTICE !-On Wednesday next,
THE HOLIDAY DOUBLE NUMBER OF
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-OaE PENNY.
TAYLOR'S PATENT -II
New T o tlyadded MAC INES
S"s'I or a SEWING
""c ... o'l' oide, Lond"Mon A CHNEu
or0eatD^rifmfie .1or 011... ; MArH I N ES I ]l P =JIrllll
"ARE THE VERY BEST."
va-, s nAcs (instantly), 11
ITVm fN H m I "ehe Appteo.T. A IJ Cht* IIr
I from D. Calthrop. 4. Vctomr a I PURE-SOLUBLE-REFRESHING.
terrace, Hackney-wick London. CAUTION.-If Cocoa thickens in the cup it proves the addition of starck.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phaaix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, August 21, 1875.
AUGUST 28, 1875.] F JUN 85
~~~~~~~~~~~ ill. _... = -.. .
Fitzswellingtlon (who's nautical or nothi;gJ :-" MoRN'G; NICE FRESH MORN'G? How's TIDE T' DAY ?"
Boatmn in:-"TIDE, SIR; WELL, IT'S PRETTY TIDEY, SIR, IF YOU MUST KNOW!. SORT 0' TIDE AS MAKES A FELLER 'ORPUL THIRSTY, 1SR."
A HOLIDAY WITH ROYALTY.
(BY SPECIAL REPORTER, AND PRIVATE WIRlE.)
SHEFFIELD, Aug. 20th.
I nRECEIVE your note, and the information that this was to be a
regular fashionable holiday number, which affected me considerably.
At the word holiday, recollections crowded thick and fast on my
haggard brow, and I thought of the time when the pursuit of pleasure
had not sapped my vital energies, and, as it were, sunburnt my very
soul. The happy days of childhood rose up before.me, and remem-
brance of the time when I had not achieved greatness, before princes
of the blood and dukes royal basked in my smiles and asked me to
rememberthem in my articles, passed as in a vision. Alas! for the
happy days of childhood, when I had not to be special and pictorial,
and when life was not a continuous telegram containing private and
But knowing that, sir, my first duty is to you, and not to my
recollections and reminiscences, I determined to take my holiday at
Sheffield, and dazzle your readers with a description of the. manner in
which heirs to the throne and picturesque descriptive writers are
treated in Yorkshire. So I sent off a message to Marlborough House,
accepting the invitation which, under other circumstances, I should
have scorned to accept, and made my preparations. I may as well
tell you, by the way, that recently there has been a coldness between
Wales and myself, owing to my refusal to accompany him across the
briny. In the first place, I don't care for party-coloured society, and
secondly, I look to the shooting season to give me rest and peace. I
am going down to Lord Portcullis's, there to make one of a battue
which is expected to do great things. His lordship has had all the
game, pigs, and poultry specially tamed, and with his patent swivel
guns, sky-rockets, water-shells, and other novel expedients, he trusts
to have neither a bird nor a beater left on the estate at the end of the
season. I have particularly marked down one of the latter for my
quarry, as I find that it is quite the aristocratic thing to pepper the
plebeians, while it certainly insures you consideration among the
high-bred patricians with whom you move, as well. Besides, in a
battue it is best to show that you can shoot something besides
what constantly perches on the muzzle of your gun or crouches murder
But to return to my holiday at Sheffield. Well, I met 'he royal
party at King's Cross, and so as to escape the observation of the
crowd who might have been impertinent in their questions ab.ut me,
I took up my position under one of the seats of the -special carriage.
Of course, this cost me a trifle extra, but then I am aware that you
are not particular to a pound or two on such a special emergency. As
soon as we were started, I crawled forth, and we had quite a jolly
time on the way down, I can assure you. The prince had a flask, I
had a paper of sandwiches, the princess had a packet of pastry; and
so with the merry jest, the jocund song, and an occasional dip into the
cool cup which the railway authorities provided and transmitted'
from the guard's brake by special communication, the time passed
right merrily, and in due course we'ran safely into the good town of
Shortly before we arrived there, however, I resumed my position
under the seat, having shaken hands with the royal party all round,
and received a special reminder of the next quiet night in Pall Mall
before H.R.H. sets out. Then I lent one or two of the equerries a
trifle each; but as that will be found duly charged in my expenditure
account, I need not refer to it further just here. Also there is a small
item for my share of the shandygaff taken with some German princes
at the departure station-and theirs too, as none of them had been here
long enough to get any money. So of course I paid. But you will
find all my allowance properly reckoned up in the enclosed statement.
The success which has attended me deserves, I fancy, some lasting
testimonial of your gratitude. Let other reporters tell of the Royal
appearance, of the town, of the station, of the ball, and of the many
other things with which a common, not to say general, public are so
well familiar. Suffice it to say, sir, that to you, and you alone,
belongs the honour of possessing a representative who rides with
royalty and yet retains his reason. And his return ticket.
P.S.-Adicu! I have shown a duplicate of this to the editor of a
daily paper of wide world and high class circulation. He says I am
indeed worthy; and has given me a special retainer, with unlimited
licence in the way of yarn-spinning and expenditure.
86 FUJ JN [AUGUST 28, 1875.
THE PURSUIT OF LUNGEVITY.
Client (who meets his Lawyer quite promiscuous like ") :-" RUN DOWN TO BLOW OFF THE COBWEBS, E ? "
Lawyer:.-" JUST SO-JUST so; orn lung VACATION, YOU EE "
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. is progressing very satisfactorily to all concerned. The people are not
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHEREf. deterred by heat from visiting a place whore their musical appetites are
Tir danger of depending on entirely new pieces, which are likely so well cared for, and are encouraged to attend by wet. The singers
to be expensive as well as doubtful, and the dearth of dramatic authors and instrumentalists are nightly in receipt of proof that their efforts
of excellence and ability, together with many other things interesting are appreciated, the refreshment bars are well patronised, the front "
to the philosophical playgoer, are shown in the production of Spectres- is.carefully tended; and so harmony and success are supreme, even if
heim at the Alhambra. This piece, originally called A Romantic Idea, their authority be divided just now, at Covent Garden Theatre.
was written by Mr. Planch6 a great many years ago, and having been
very successful in town and country, was occasionally reproduced,
notably in '67 at the Olympic, with Mr. Charles Mathews in the A LAPSUS LINGU/E.
principal part. There is little beyond the original framework in
Spectresheim, the dialogue having been almost entirely re-written by THE Reverend Brown, in matrimony's chains
Mr. Robert Reece. This patchwork is like cloth of frieze on cloth of A pair uniting, gave a short address.
gold, but fortunately incongruities are by no means opposed to the He spoko of wedlock, all its joys and pains,
tastes and dispositions of Alhambra visitors. Besides, the mounting Its power at times to curse as well as bless.
and scenery are admirable, and the dresses both gorgeous and in good When "marriage blends two lives," he would have said,
tiste. The company, too, now depends more for success on ability But slipped his tongue and gave out blinds" instead.,
than on cheek, or claque; and if only because of the improvement in No need, good sir, the blunder back to call;
the stage-management at this house, we should be inclined to praise Blinds is too oft the right word after all.
Mr. Cave's latest effort. There is, though, a good deal in Spectresheim
worth hearing and seeing entirely on its merits, the latter sense The Very Thing.
having a decided call owing to the splendid costumes and scenery of
Messrs. Maltby and Calcott, and the marvellously weird antics of the A Fmtocio s contemporary thinks that Colon. l Baker's crime was
Majiltons. These three grotesques are a treat of no mean order in "almost deserving of capital punishment. Well, if pleasantly-
themselves. furnished lodgings, lots of nice books to read, good dinners, a pint of
wine a day, and the society of congenial friends is not capital punish-
Mr. F. Maccabe and his impersonations have been very popular ment, we should liko to know what is. .Fiat experimentum- ell,
during the past ten, days in Islington, the Philharmonic being say on one of our numerous rejected contributors.
extremely well filled to welcome the "wandering minstrel" home.
Mr. Maccabe's eccentricities are too well known to need any descrip- A Bottle Imp.
tion at our hands; but we may as well remark that the vivacity and A Bottle Imp.
versatility for which this entertainer was well known before his A GENTLEMAN of some three summers has drunk himself from the
departure have not been left in America, but are as conspicuously cradle to the tomb out of his father's brandy bottle. The verdict of
present as ever. Mr. 1Maccabe seems to thoroughly enjoy his own the coroner's jury practically blames the father for leaving hoeeltaps,
fun, a peculiarity which should at once load to increased personal and warns him to drink deeper for the future. Sir Wilfrid Lawson
i ispection-and infection, has dry-nursed adult teetotallers for some time; he might now try his
The series of Promenade Concerts usual at this season of the year hand at weaning babies-from the bottle.
AUGUST 28, 1876.] FU N. 87
OPEN TO IMPROVEMENT.
Mrs. IMuggins:-"NOW THEN, BETSY ANN, FOR SHAMfE! A 'SUCKING OF YER MOTHER'S TREACLE LIKE THAT!"
B.A. :-"'Ow IIELSE WOULD YER LIKE IT DONE! SHOW ME A BETTER WAY, AN' I'LL WERRY SOON TRY IT; TAH!"
DOTS AND LINES.
PRINCE OF WALES visits the town of blades. Perhaps he intends to
sharpen himself up before exhibiting himself abroad. = Duke of
Buckingham to be dined shortly. Doesn't a duke get a dinner every
day ? Yes, but it's a great step from the county of Bucks to the
empire of Bucksheesh. = Earl Russell writes to prove that Daniel
O'Connell refused to encourage strikes or insurgency. Of course.
Like all true patriots he objected to any movement which interfered
with his own position or importance. = Health of the Pope consider-
ably improved. Lord Oranmore and Browne considers this should be
explained.= Mr. Joseph Arch goes to Paris shortly. As the English
labourers' representative of the proper Arc do Triomphe. = Statists
report that Mr. Joseph Cowen was the most regular attendant at the
House during the past Session. Naturally; isn't he the Daily
Chronicle" for Newcastle. = Execution of Mark Fiddler. Mr.
Fiddler's last appearance was as a dancer-as well. = Gentleman dis-
charged from a Southern lunatic asylum cured." Proves that pre-
vention is better than cure by attacking his wife with a poker as soon
as he arrives home. Is to be cured" a little more in the future =
Captain Webb will make another trial. Such a persistent Webb
reminds one of the traditional spider. .=- Queen's yacht runs down and
destroys small vessel. General indignation that common people should
dare to got in the royal way and be drowned.
MR. FLOWERS isbecoming so brilliant at Bow-street that soon he won't
be asked down" there till after dinner. And then only on Sundays.
IWE have not been specially requested to contradict the rumour that
the hold of the Serapis is to be ballasted with remainders," unused
and unrequired editions, and works of ill-done arid neglected authors
generally, with a view to making "handsome presents to poor Oriental
scholars." But we do so in the interests of the trunkmaker and the
butterman, who were beginning to advance their offers in view of the
*anticipated general home dearth of waste-paper. The Prince is to
select the books himself, and so scholars and men of most cultivated
taste may rest assured that nothing will be chosen that is not at the
very least- successful, as well as in good covers, and with gilt edges.
Success, they may be very well sure, is always the Royal road to merit,
or to the appreciation of it.
Weather or Not.
RuMiouI, which just now is regnant, as well as pregnant, in Fleet-
street, says that sealskins will be awfully dear next winter. Even the
inhabitants of Greenland will, in future, have to be in verdure clad,
the seals having taken the natural course of a stamp-edo, and left the
watering hunters undetermined whether to return home or continue
their usual adventurous a-poca-tions.
A Dissolving View.
IT is confidently rumoured that the great Konealy Magna Charta
Association will shortly dissolve. Into Dewdrops, of course.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 18, 1875.
A SEASIDE HOLIDAY.
THE sea, the sea, the open sea-
The shore, the pebbly shore !
Ah, that's the place for you and me,
And many thousands more.
So let us ride, and catch the tide,
And 'mid the festive throng be spied :
Yes, let us go and gladsome be
In Margate's Hall that's by the Sea.
Away, away, let's sport and play-
At last we've got our holiday.
The coast, the coast, the breezy coast-
The heath, the furze, the gorse !
The town has given up its ghost,
Fat speeds the iron horse.
While on the rails wa feel like snails-
So distant seem the spicy gales,
The saline-smelling wondrous whiffs
Which hang about Old England's cliffs.
Away, away, so blithe And gay-
At last we've got oiurholiday.
A Bisnop has just expressed his horror ol the dreadful crime of
newspaper reading on Sunday. Being Bishop of Manchester, the inhabit-
ants of which have little leisure indeed for reading during the secular
portion of the week, the utterance of this Prince of the Church has
peculiar significance. He states that on his way from Oldham to
Stalybridge the other Sunday, he saw many men sitting at their doors
reading newspapers, a species of occupation which, in the eyes of his
lordship, seems to be heinous indeed. Sitting in a luxurious carriage,
drawn by spirited horses, driven by a bewigged coachman, it must
have grieved the Bishop indeed to find that there are men who despise
the glorious country and the splendid spectacles to be found therein,
and prefer home and the newspapers. Doubtless, too, his lordship felt
like the full man who wonders how it is that the fasting can care so
much for food. Having seen his morning and evening papers
every day, and his weekly literature on the Saturday, he must
in his honesty of purpose have. felt quite grieved at the manner
in which the inhabitants of *ayside cottages were surfeiting thetn-
selves. The kindly and parif6tlising manner in which the Bishop of
Manchester observed that perhaps it was not so very wrong to read a
newspaper on Sunday, unless it contained sporting nets, is also worthy
of sincere consideration among common folk. Anyhow, it teaches a
lesson as to the advisability of understanding a subject before
venturing to give opinions on it. We are not likely to enter on a
defence of the sporting press, or the sporting portion of the ordinary
press; but we certainly must manifest a wish that there were no
journals existent to outrage public decency or injure public morals
more than the sporting journals do. They certainly do not publish
long accounts of indecent assaults, brutal outrages, shocking murders,
or even of unpleasantly personal utterances like those which the
reverend candidates for Clerkenwell pastorship are daily giving off.
From all this it will be discovered that even a Bishop may be mis-
taken in his estimate as to the opportunities of the working classes-
and their right to dispose of them. A discovery which will probably
surprise no one so much as the Right Rev. the Bishop of Manchester
A HOLIDAY EXPERIENCE.
I, Ma. DAPPER VOLUBLE, salesman, with Messrs. Boltwhack and
Tearsheet, linendrapers, had gone down to Stuckup-super-Mare for a
lungful of ozone, and had met many friends. My condition may be
inferred-I was overcome by excess of ozone. Endeavouring to catch
my hotel I ran into a churchyard, intending to pass through and
intercept the hostelry on the other side-head it off. Unfortunately
I struck my foot against a tombstone-there were many stones-a
numberless multitude of stones was in that churchyard-companies,
squadrons, and battalions, performing their summer manoeuvres.
They appeared to be trying to surround me as, lying flat on my back, I
watched their little games. Sometimes they would circle about me so
closely that I could almost decipher the inscriptions, and one porten-
tous fellow, I could swear, came and stood at my head, displaying my
own name and age in insulting capitals; but when I turned to get a
better look at the date of my death he was off.
All this time the earth was heaving and swaying unsteadily beneath
me; and pretty soon it had so tilted that, looking down the declivity,
I saw the beach at an immeasurable distance below, thronged with
bathers, while, the surface of the water was studded thickly with
pleasure boats. I tried to speculate on the probable number of
[AuOuST 28, 1875.
drownings that would occur before nightfall, but the declivity between
me and the beach grew so alarmingly steep that I fainted from fright.
When my senses returned it i\. : lt- it, h he aftehnhooh. T'he -atth
had resumed its level, the t.:.mbst.:.ne(- had ceae'd theih- V61itonS.
Somebody was stirring me with has foot-.1 wild-looking .:.un manii,
with an unholy light in the eyes of him.
Illustrious visitor," he said, as in response t6 ha iibre than
commonly vigorous kick I rose to my feet, fear not; I aih A med'tal
like yourself. I am the Parish Epitaphist. Would you b ehold my
I would behold his work.
Taking me familiarly by the hana, he led me to the iiarest toimb-
sto6i. I bent, and read:
Here lies the body :. .tohiJthan Siout,
Who went in the wat.r and nervr came out.
Supposed to be floatiig About."
"But" said I, this is a bull! How 'an his body lie li'e if it is
floating abotit ?"
My companion regarded me for a moment with a compassionate eye,
then led me silently to another stone :
"Beneath this stone reposes one
Whom, when his task of life was done,
We buried by the salt, salt sea,
Which thoroughly had pickled he."
"This," I famed out, "is atrocious !-this is intolerable Pickled
he,' indeed! I will trust myself no longer with a man to whom
grammar is a tradition and a myth! "
He would not release my hand, and I followed him unwillingly to
the next stone :
the next stone : "The lady who lies here asleep
Was drowned in the briny deep;
She went a-bathing, but the damp
Produced in her a sort of cramp."
"By Jove!" I thundered, struggling vainly to release iny hand,
"this is mere murder. Take my purse, my watch Take anything I
have, but let me go, I tell you! Ha take this locket, containing a
likeness of my wife's aunt!"
He took me The next one ran thus i
"Little Billy Kember,
Boating in a gale;
Midland county Member
Managing the sail.
Midland county Member
Didn't look alive,
2nd of September,
I struggled no longer; my heart was broken in my breast, and the
fiend had his will of me. The following "tribute of affection" are
all that I can now recall:
"Good Mr. Bloomer-seeds and flowers, Penge-
Took to the water out of sheer revenge,
Because he'd quarrelled with the missus. Stark
Naked he dived into the hungry- shark !
They caught that creature at the turn of tide,
And laid him here with Mr. B. inside."
"How sad alas! to think that Mrs. Nancy
Was lighter in the feet than she did fancy!
Down plumped her head, and in the wave she strangled.
Her winding sheet was linen, nicely mangled."
Poor Jack (stretched here his corpus is)
Went out in Harry's smack-
And Jack he fished for porpoises-
Then Harry fished for Jack!"
I could endure no more. Demon I shrieked, extricating my
hand from his by a dexterous turn of the wrist; "do you think these
-these things !-these-these preposterous parodies !-these ghastly
insults to the dead!-are funny ? Do you fancy it wit to thus outrage
the most sacred sentiments of the human heart ? Take that, you thief,
take that!" And I struck him a tremendous blow on the top of his
A moment later I was sitting up in that churchyard, broad awake
and rubbing my knuckles, which in my sleep I had abraded against a
tombstone. It was pitch dark, and I was dank with dew. Then I
knew I had been dreaming. It was all the fault of the ozone-really !
How to square" a policeman.-Argue with him in a circle (i.e.,
with a shilling).
F-'T N .-AUGUST 28, 1875.
E -' -Q4-r
-' rn zN~,u
MRS. LONDON AND HER LITTLE FAMILY OF SUBURBS TAKING A HOLIDAY.
AUGUST 28, 1875.] T NSY93
THE CORPSE ON THE CAPSTAN.
A HORRIBLE LEGEND OF TIt ENGLISH CLIMATE.
IT H R E was a policeman sit-
Sting on a capstan at the
pieriead, 'ahd his glassy eye
was fiaed on the gtey iiist
of desoueiding rain, in un-.
It had been raining fbr
eighteei- years, ahd he had
been the only person out of
doos during all that time
I in fact, it was simply owing
to his having gradually got
inured to it that he could
live in the soaked atmos-
phere. There was so much
water in the air that any
I other person venturing out
would have been drowned;
so much water in the, air
that there no longer eiited
ahy observable line of sepa-
i-ation between the air and
the ocekn, and that police-
miah often strayed, into the
2- sea and wandered abolt the
'bottoin for hours befbori6 he
found out his iiiistake. He 's the only policeman at that
watering-place, an'd his routine of duty was simply to walk about out
of doors urntilthe time caine to report himself at the station-house, when
he would merely show up for a minute, and go out again to his beat.
All the,male people (except him) in that place had been, for
eighteen years, killing flies on the window-panes, and all the female
people had been doing their hair on the first
floor, and they ere at it still; and that
policeman was the only living object they
ever saw out of doors. Now, that police-
man had been for two years engaged in a
desperate struggle with his convictions,
trying to reason himself into disbelief of
solid fact; but every day his opposition
to his convictions got weaker, and every day -
he grew sadder.
The fact was, the unchanging rain was 1
working its effect: that policeman's arms
were turning into two long fins, and his
legs were getting scaly; and one day when
he went in to report himself to the in-
spector, the latter observed him nar-
"What's this nonsense?" he said;
" you've got a tail! Where are your boots ?
Come-none of this!
That policeman sat down and cried. .
"I can't help it!" he said; "I can't get
my legs apart, and I haven't got any feet for to put the boots on
to. I've felt it a-comin' on for a long time!" "Dofi't tell
me," said the inspector; go out on duty again, and don't get
coming back any more without feet, that's all!"
The inspector sat down to think it over, and seemed very puzzled.
He couldn't find a precedent for the circumstance anywhere.
"He's a-turning into a fish-that's where it is! he kept repeating
to himself; and he had just taken up a pen, with the purpose of
writing to headquarters about it, when a wicked scheme flashed upon
him and made him jump up. "I can make a good thing out of this! he
said; "musn't let him be out long enough to turn into a reg'ler fish,
because regular fishes is ordinary thihgs-let him go on till he's
developed into fihs and a tail, aud ih n gi him into the dry and charge
a shilling each. It's worth f.,rtur,,:,i it Next day in came that
policeman again. "I can't stdhd this no longer," he said; "I ain't
the policeman I used to be I am a-turnin' into an inhuman fish, I
am. Let me come into, the dry for a bit." The inspector turned him
round twice and wouldn't. No," he said; go out and find your
boots and, here, take this to the printer." Ahil i'e gave hiin an
envelope with some paper inside. Out weht that policeian ; but before
he'd got half-way to the printed s the w*t had undone the gum oii the
envelope, so he took out the enclosure, and gasped as he read :- -
ADVE1'riSegmNT.-Now. oh view at the Police-station, the Fish-
tailed Bobby; being the most unnatural effort of Nature ever seen.
No deception. Admission one shilling." Oh, that's it, eh!" he
said, ahd tore the paper up, and went
out duand saet on a capstan at the piethead
and brooded. The next day when re- A
porting time came he didn't turn up, and
the inspector got uneasy, because he
couldn't go out to look aftei him, as
nobody but that policeman could live out
of doors. A week passed and no police-
man came, and the wicked inspector
began to have doubts about the fortune
he meant to make; when suddenly, on
the eighth day, the rain left off for the
first time in eighteen years. The inspec-
tor couldn't believe it at first; he put his
head out of window and found he could
breathe, though he took in a good deal of.
water with each breath. I'll run out 1 ;
and look up that policeinar," he,
said. And he went, -and found his subordinate sitting on the
capstan. "Pretty way to behave, this is! he said; "just you get up,
and come and report yourself." I can't walk," said the policeman ;
"I ain't got no legs-its all tail with me now, and crawlin' and
flappin' "You'd better come into the dry you know," said the
inspector; "this wet ain't good for no one; catch hold of my hand,
and I'll help you a bit." That policeman caught hold, but he didn't
attempt to stir. The sky darkened again ominously, and the air was
getting damper. "Come on, I say said the inspector agitatedly ;
"the rain's beginning again, and I can't stop here-it ain't easy to
breathe now!" But he started as he looked at the policeman's face,
for there was a ghastly smile of horrid determination on it that chilled
his blood. The sky was getting blacker every minute, and the
inspector struggled madly to break away, and turned pale. I've
been very wicked! he said; "I know it-do let me go-come
into the dry and let's talk it over-I can't breathe much longer.
tract ?" The
noise of the
dehise rain in-
creased all a-
round in one r
dull roar, and
sight again into
the unchanging h
mist of grey.
who were kill-
ing flies on the
and the ladies
hair on the first
and shuddered as a long gurgling wail, which seemed to come from the
pierhead, rose above the roar of the rain. Nobody could sleep that
night for thinking about it ; but the rain roared on and the grey mist
never changed, and the ladies and gentlemen resumed their occupations.
It was, I think, some two years after this that the rain ceased once
more, and a venturesome person went out in tarpaulin to have a blow
on the pier; he came back to his hotel as pale as a ghost and sank
into the arms of the inmates, who had crowded round to ask what it
was like out of doors. He had seen the corpse of a drowned inspector
sitting bolt upright on a capstan at the pierhead, and a horrible
monster, like a fish with a policeman's head, holding its hand, and
grinning at it with a dreadful grin of triumph. And then it began
to rain again, and it has been raining ever since.
94 F UJ [AUGUST 28, 1875.
FACT AND FANCY, FROM A NEW POINT OF VIEW.
Departure of some noble Sportsmen, who anticipate no end of slaughter on the Moors, and who are quite contemptuous to those
fellow Voyagers only on pleasure bent.
AM oNIN xopaper feels deepest com-
miseration for Prince Bismarck, who
is pursued by indefatigable bio-
graphers to whom nothing is sacred.
and one of whom does not scruple to
give a picture of the Chancellor, his
wife, and family at the tea-table."
Wicked indefatigable biographer!
why violate the sanctity of private
life in order to obtain particulars
which, after all, are baldly uninte-
resting ? Why not do something in
this way ?-" Prince Bismarck drove
out accompanied by the Princess,
and attended by Colonel the lion.
Fritz Schwackenheimer. Baron
Plumguddery, Q. K. X., had the
honour of dining with his Highness
and the members of his Ilighness's
family. The Prince walked in his |
garden." Th/,t would be something
like! Something like the morning
paper to which we have referred.
A woMAxN writes to a provincial
paper complaining that the clergyman
does not visit when ill." Perhaps
the poor man prefers home-opathic
treatment-though our Special Mar-
ried Man avers that that is only
another name for domestic abuse.
Realisation of our Sportsmen's Anticipations.
A MAN has just been smothered through falling down the
shoot of a flour-bin at the Bury Co-operative Stores." There
seems to have been much more of the bury than the co-operative
about this movement. Perhaps, however, the record is only
a reportorial flour of fancy.
WHENc the Session and the season
Far away are fleetly flown,
Who on earth for any reason
Would be prisoned here alone ?
Let me turn the matter over
In my vast and ready mind;-
I myself would be a rover
Like so many of my kind.
Spain and Italy invite me;-
France is at my beck and call.
Germany would well requite me;-
Switzerland would never pall.
There be sights to see in Sweden
Greece retains a glory still;-
Sicily is quite an Eden;-
Etna something like a hill.
This embarrassment of riches
Is a load I cannot bear.
Ev'ry clime in turn bewitches;
But I can't go everywhere.
Is there much to do at Norway ?-
Any novelty in Rome ?
Pooh! I'll never cross my doorway.
I shall simply stay at home.
A Soft Impeachment.
TuB gentleman who loved his
wife so much that he could oat her,
has, out of consideration for his
digestive organs, beaten her to a
AUoUST 28, 1875.]
Spyffins, who has been induced to give the children a blow on the briny, can't understand why he should be the object of so much attention
when landing at Margate. And he so ill too, poor man !
A SERENE STATEMENT.
A CURIOUS story is "going the rounds." At'one of those free
feeds in the interest of puff paragraphs which are the life and soul of
a certain section of the London press, a lot of hungry journalists had
to be literally turned off a steamboat to make way for one of those
petty German princelings who condescend to graze and fatten in this
English land of theirs. A good many of the reporters, however,
finding desperation the better part of hunger, held on somehow, and
were eventually rewarded with what was left after Serenity had
regaled itself, and the promoters of the undertaking had done for him
what Lazarus had wished to do for Dives. It is further said that his
Serenity was very much exercised about the solo of a certain well
known performing pecker, who wielded his knife and fork with an
energy worthy of a better opportunity and a more first-hand feast.
" I was not aware," said his Highness, that he represents the largest
circulation, but he certainly exhibits by no means the smallest
appetite." Thus does even so insignificant an institution as the press
become occasionally worthy of attention from the intelligent, and
A Great Unpaid."
IN the case of a man who recently died of starvation, it is stated
that "he worked on the Shrewsbury and Holyhead Government road,
and when he died his wages for three weeks remained unpaid." If so
trivial a circumstance as the death of a labourer is permitted to affect
the minds of this man's employers at all, they probably feel a tranquil
satisfaction in having provided, with admirable forethought, a fund
for the expenses of his funeral. If they had paid him weekly the
poor fellow might have squandered his wage in bread, and been
buried by the parish.
Audi Alteram Partem.
WHY should the evidence of a constable in the X division be
received with diffidence ?-Because it's an X party statement.
A Snowy GIRL.-A circus columbine.
What of the Night P"
DESCRIBING the luxurious appointments of the ship which it is
hoped; will take the Prince of Wales to India, the Daily News
mentions certain lamps and mirrors, the light from which will no
doubt add to the attractiveness of the long night-time peculiar to the
tropics." If our contemporary is going in for the freshest informa-
tion with regard to tropical nights, it ought to call itself the Nightly
News. What it has imparted in this instance certainly is news of the
most surprising sort, for it 'has hitherto been supposed that long
nights were peculiar, not to tropical, but to polar, latitudes.
The Roi Material.
A. KINr has been sent to prison for a fortnight for assaulting an
agricultural labourer. As the King in question was a farmer and not
a colonel, and as his victim was a big man instead of a weak woman,
the ruffian is to be denied the drawing-room floor and cheerful society
which play so important a part in the British Justice of 1875. Yet
who shall say that his is a two week punishment ? He might go
farmer and fare worse.
WE see it stated that in 1829 or 1830 the statue of Queen Anne in St.
Paul's Churchyard was restored, the damaged portion being the
head, including the nose and sceoptro." After this we are prepared
to believe it would be, not perhaps grammatically, but anatomically,
proper to address exalted personages thus: How's your poor feet,
including the toes and crown ?"
A Neddy-fying Correspondent.
A CONTEMPORARY publishes a letter on an heraldic subject-the
Origin of the Thistle. It may be a mere coincidence, but the
letter is from NM. Jacques d'Ank6. We should like to have known
his views on the Root of the Turnip.
lady :- WELLL, BIDDY, AND HOW IS THE TOOTHACHE THIS MORNING? "
Biddy :-" IT'S YoraSELF'S THE RALE LADY TO THINK OF POOR OLD
BIDDY; BUT SHURE, ME LADY, THE PAIN'S GOT SO DREADFUL USED TO ME,
THAT I NEVER FEEL IT NOW AT ALL, AT ALL "
THE monarch he stood by the gibbet's side
While the hands of the traitor were neatly tied,
And talked to the hangman gay.
He spoke of that gentleman's lively trade,
And many a capital joke he made
In a kingly kind of way.
He spoke of the victim's artful plot
For getting his lawful ruler shot,
And told how his game was stopped.
The hangman he listened with mien sedate,
He pulled the bolt as the clock struck eight,
And then the subject dropped.
A Lest Opportunity.
THE Marquis of Hertford has delivered an address, inaugural of the
proceedings of the British Archaological Society at Evesham. The
omission in his speech of any mention of that queer old relic of ancient
barbarism, the Lord Chamberlain, was surely an oversight.
A BILL TO MIEAT."-A butcher's.
[AUGUST 28, 1875.
'TIs qwept beside the sea to sit,
And watch, the ships go sailing by-
With '14tof beach 'tis nice- to hit
The 'dozing nursemaid in the eye.
'Tis grapa to mark the billows beat
long the shore with deafning din;
Then take bad babies off their feet,
And gaily drench them to the skin.
I love at eve to take my place
Near where the jolfing jetty ends,
And gaze as with a flaming face
Old Phoebuslto the sea descends.
But; oh my bliss is uncontrolled
When Brown, who's bent on highest jinks,
With open hand displays his gold,
And drops a quid between the chinks.
I like to watch old ocean hurl
Its thousand treasures on the beach- ,
The winkle, limpef, and the pearl,
It yields its proper share of each.
But wildest rapture o'er me spreads,
From song and dance I scarce can keep,
When cockney sailors bow their heads
And give their breakfasts to the deep.
I laugh when whirlwinds wildly shriek,
And tempests lash the sea to spite-
The vengeance that a storm can wreak
Doth fill my soul with dumb delight.
But, oh! 'twas joy beyond compare-
When she beneath whose roof I stayed
Went mad because her first floor pair
Had gone and left his bill unpaid.
The Mead of Labour.
A WOMAN named MIead, who enjoyed life as a butter-
hole maker, has been found dead in her bed from starva.
tion. Considering that by exercising her profession, she
could make sixpence in fourteen hours, she must be con-
gratulated upon dying quietly between the rags. With
her peculiar talent for making holes, we can only wonder
that she didn't leave the linen in disgust, and practise
upon the water.
Our Market Report.
THE happy denouement of the harvest question has sent everything
up. The funds are in capital condition, the thermometer is high,
the moon has risen, and Snubs have an upward tendency. Penny ices
are in great demand, and St. Leger prices are frequently quoted.
Several new companies have been floated at the sea-side, and there is a
demand for money at all the fashionable watering-places. Good paper
is eagerly sought, and Fun is at a premium. The rate of discount
remains unchanged, and so do several cheques drawn by Alexander
Collie. In consequence of the conclusion of the London season the
Mornin, Post has discontinued its daily hop report.
SPEAKING of a man who was killed on the railway at Bath the
other day, a contemporary informs us gravely that at the time of the
inquest "deceased's relatives had not heard of his death, as he had
omitted to write, on purpose to surprise them. From this it is
naturally to be presumed that all other corpses known to the local
liner are in the habit of corresponding with their friends, who receive
the communications as a matter of corse. Yet we have heard some-
where that dead men tell no tales--a report evidently put in circula-
tion by the dead men themselves, to avert suspicion and prevent
'TE RS QUININE W J
WE can bear personal testimony to its value as a tonic."-Standard.
"I fin4 it to be a very useful and excellent preparation."- A. H. Bassall, M.D.
SOLD BY ALL GROCERS.- WHOLESALE WATERS & SON, 34, EASTCHEAP, .C
5.] 71 I
THE RIGHTS OF PROPERTY (A FACT).
Native :-" DRORN' THEM TREES, SIR?" Artist:-" WELL, YES-TRYING TO."
Native:--"AH, WELL, THE LORD OF THE MANOR'S A CLERGYMAN AND A JUSTICE 0' PEACE-SO I'D ADVISE YOU TO KEEP A GOOD LOOK
OUT; 'E BELIEVES IN THE RIGHTS 0' PROPERTY, 'E DOES, AN' 'E 'LL SOON LET YER KNOW THE LAW ABOUT DRORIN' 'IS TREES WITHOUT
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
A Wingless Angel (Virtue and Co.), by J. E. Muddock, has, if
nothing else, the advantage of a thoroughly attractive title. It is
also in convenient form, being in one volume, though really not much
shorter than those productions which, by right, or custom, or the
general desire to make much out of little, find their way into three
separate covers each. We have often wondered why, now the old
style of circulating library has been completely knocked on the head
by modern progress and Mr. Mudie, that publishers care to persist in
the old three-volume style, which has nothing whatever to recommend
it in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, except so far as the paper-
maker, the bonnet-box builder, and the butterman are concerned. Mr.
Muddock's book being printed in clear type, on good paper, and
occupying but one compact volume, should, therefore, if its other
claims are worth considering, be acceptable at this migratory season,
when people who read least when at home and at leisure could not
possibly scramble about without a book to look at." The story of
A Wingless Angelis wild and wonderful, and though the skein seems
to get entangled now and again, all comes right in the end, and every-
body left alive marries and is happy ever afterwards. Many a reputa-
tion for sensational writing has been built on less solid foundation
than A Wingless Angel. '
We welcome the handsome, yet unostentatious, reprint of Cosmo de'
Medici and other poems, by Mr. R. H. Home (Rivers, Paternoster-
row), a gentleman who has the rare fortune to live long without
outliving his reputation. Mr. Home, who was admired by Poe and
contemporary essayists, is, while still in the flesh, almost an English
classic. The tragedy which gives its title to the book is entirely
remodelled, several of the situations being completely altered, some-
times not altogether to their advantage. The masterly dialogue,
however, still remains; and the smaller poems will be found well
worthy of perusal.
While on the subject of reprints we should like to mention the
republication of Wayside Warbles (Warne and Son), by Edward
Capern, once known as the Bideford Poet, but now of far broader
fame and more extended recognition. Without belonging to any self-
advertising school or clique, Mr. Capern has, by the pastoral outbursts
which stamp him at once a son of the people and a poet, obtained a
hearing for himself and a name which will be remembered when
others which, thanks to puffery, at present stand high, will be entirely
forgotten. It is no stretch of fancy to say that some of the Bideford
postman's efforts are worthy of insertion in any collection of ballad
poetry. More; that no collection is complete without one of his
specimens of homely English song.
The first volume of All the World Over (Thomas Cook and Son) is
to hand, and a very tempting little volume it is, too. Besides its
ordinary contents, which are varied and well-written, the book con-
tains half-a-dozen excellent maps, revised to date," which of them-
selves gives one a pretty fair notion of all the world over."
Also from Messrs. Cook and Son we receive a pamphlet on Travelling
and its -Requirements, being a few words of advice addressed to ladies
by a lady. This is a very amusing brochure, but it is hardly fair that
unmarried men should be allowed to purchase it except at very high
advance rates, as it contains secrets of the female toilette, for the dis-
covery of which we and others had to pay the dreadful penalty of
Warne's Shilling Atlas contains twenty-six maps printedin colours.
It has also some diagrams of geographical definitions, and is so com-
plete, t1fat if the gentleman who bet the world was flat- and lost-had
but consulted it, he might have saved his 500 and much subsequent
trouble to himself and family. This praise is, however, without pre-
judice to the Map of Fleet-street shortly to be published at this office.
Please order early, as a large demand is anticipated.
Judged by Philadelphia and its Environs, an illustrated guide we
have just received from Messrs. Triibner, the Quaker city is as full of
beauties as its name is of brotherly love.
98 FU'1N. [SEPTEMBER 4, 1875.
FTUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Sept. 1, 1875.
ONCE, once, I remember-
Oh, happy time then!
Beefsteak was at eight, sir,
And chops were but ten.
But now, this September,
How dreadful's the fix-
Steak's double that rate, sir,
With chops one and six "
Thus spoke an old fellow, in ludicrous grief,
As he wept o'er the famine of mutton and beef.
Just calmly consider
How dreadful's my lot;
Meat, meat, in the shambles
And none in the pot.
Though for steak I'm a bidder-
By steak, sir, I vow!-
I buy in my rambles
Block ornaments' now."
And then this old fellow, in ludicrous grief,
Wept wildly for want of his mutton and beef.
THE recent fatal collision in the Solent seems to be taken very
much to heart by certain newspaper writers, who by its aid have been
enabled to blow off a little effusive servility, and to display a more
than usual amount of the grovelling instinct which pervades their every
utterance. It is not for us to discuss the merits of the case, nor is it
our duty to decide whether fifteen knots an hour would, under
ordinary circumstances, be considered a proper and safe rate of speed
for a large and powerful steamer when making its way through a
channel crowded with comparatively insignificant sailing vessels.
Neither does the question whether, in certain cases-say when special
trains are waiting-steamers should expect sailing ships to get out of
their way, come within our province. But we may fairly remark on
what has already been written about this unfortunate occurrence. Of
our loyalty there can be no doubt, for loyalty is not fitly displayed by
slavish adulation; and so we fearlessly say that no honest man, let him
love his Queen as much as he may within fair and honourable limits,
could have read some of the articles published since the collision,
without blushing for the writers. The press has in several instances
been simply degraded by an attempt to make the sufferers appear
heinously culpable even before an inquiry had been instituted, or
indeed before any of the circumstances of the collision- were known.
The deliberate attack on a dead man by the "leading journal" was
only paralleled by the fulsomeness of other organs which quite ignored
the sufferers, and only thought how shocking a thing it was that her
Majesty should be put to such dreadful inconvenience. We should
like to know too, while on the subject, whether it is at all likely that
the many captains of the Alberta-acting, subordinate, super-
numerary, and otherwise-would have been so ready and eager to
accept responsibility, if the segis of Royalty had not been interposed
between them and the ordinary action of the law. These lines are
written in no captious spirit-certainly with the most loyal feeling-
for we think the Queen above the requirement of such sympathy as
has been shown her. None the less, however, do such things as have
been recently printed make her and her people appear ridiculous in the
eyes of those who look on from afar-and wonder.
"MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE."
PAT'S dog, bereft of tail-tip, sought its master
For consolation in its dire disaster.
Pat eyed the trap that stole th' appendage dorsal-
Its steel jaws gripping still the tiny morsel-
Sure, honey, 'twas fine luck, if ye but knew it,
To spring it on'y when so nearly through it!"
Notes and Throats.
W" note that Madame Patti is to lay the foundation-stone of the
new Throat and Ear Hospital in Gray's-inn-road on the 16th inst.
Nothing could be much more in accordance with the general usages of
this excellent institution, for with the famous diva as representative
of the highest order of throats, the best of ears are bound to be at
once brought to the attention point." If she could only manage to
exchange some of her notes for currency in the interests of the hospital,
we should be glad to annotate the circumstance.
TURF TOPICS AND TIPPIC TROUBLES.
SmI,-The turf situation may at the present moment be regarded as
critical. Here we are, getting right close up to Back-end, with the
Leger looming in front of us, the Cesarewitch and Cambridgeshire
only waiting to have their winners spotted, the Prince of Wales
anxious to be off as soon as he gets "the pieces," and the eyes of
Europe turned full upon us; and yet the turf is not altogether a
happy and prosperous institution. No, sir, the turf world feels that
one of its lights has been put under a bushel, and that the glory
has indeed failed to permeate the chinks of its novel, not to say
unaccustomed, extinguisher. The turf world is no longer what it
was, and if I could by any chance see my way to a living in any
sphere other than that I now occupy, I would gladly embrace the
opportunity and the living, or anything else that came in the way,
and was worth annexation.
Once upon a time it was a great thing to be a sporting writer of
eminence. 'The public used to venerate a successful tipster, and
grateful backers were not above leaving an occasional reminder for
him at the bar of his favourite pub., or sending him half-a-dozen
stamps to the office. Actors, even, would now and again descend from
their pedestals, and, providing there was a cheap drink about, would
shake the sporting oracle by the hand. But, alas all that is now
past; and the iron of the Admiral, to say nothing of the rest of the
Jockey Club, has entered into the prophet's soul. It has even been
assumed that a turf writer has no soul; but sir, you can answer for
me, I feel sure. Much nearer would it be to say that the members of
the Jockey Club, have no brains, for by their latest ukase they attempt
to destroy the very foundation of the turf. Sir, they have actually
declared that there shall be no more tipstering, and that owners shall
in future have a tunnel built on Newmarket Heath for the purpose of
trying horses without such useful members of society as your humble
servant being able to see what is going on. They will put a horse in
at one end, and a jockey at the other, the Hon. Admiral Rous will
mind the gate and hold a handicap book and a stop-watch, the pneu-
matic process will be turned on, and the result, if any, will be carefully
entered in the minutes of the Club. Thus by the process of exhaustion
all winners will be known beforehand to the operators. The exact
manner in which horses are to be tried and timed by machinery
in this tunnel is not exactly ascertained yet, but it is being thought
out by a select committee at "head-quarters" assisted occasionally
by a committee of Tattersall's, and the matter may be reckoned
settled. It is said that whenever a committee of Tattersall's is caught
sitting, nothing will be beyond its ken; so tipsters, tremble, and look
out for the tunnel and the patent process. By them the exhaustion
of horseflesh will be saved, and the highest possible rate of speed,
according to a given minimum standard, may then arrive at a maxi-
mum in the shortest allowable space-and the thing's done at once.
Meanwhile the turf is to be as exclusive as possible ; the proprietors of
sporting papers are to be examined every week as to their temperature
and morals ; and I-well, pending further information and an appoint-
ment as dramatic critic, 1 am still, yours very obediently,
P.S.-A fine tip for the Leger in my next, in spite of the Jockey
Club. Remember, my advice is, lay against everything, and go for the
"Where Ignorance is Bliss--."
AIR. COMMISSIONER KEna has, according to the City Press, been
weeping over the decay of our ancient institutions, and among other
small matters the absence of which he regrets is the pillory. Re-
ferring to a defendant, the learned Commissioner said that in the
olden time" he would have been taken to the pillory and nailed to it
by the ears-" and a very good thing, too." Just to show his im-
partiality, we presume, Mr. Commissioner Kerr next gave some sound
advice to a plaintiff who had accepted an improperly stamped
" guarantee," and now pleaded that it was not possible for him to
know the exact law. The Commissioner stated that every man was
supposed to know the law of England-that the law itself declared so,
and was contained in thirty-eight thick volumes. To prove the
correctness of his views, Mr. Kerr then nonsuited the plaintiff, but
comforted him with the assurance that nobody, not even the judges
on the bench," knew a tithe of the law and its ramifications. These
two statements taken together are suggestive of the usual procedure
and persiflage at the City of London Court, the presiding deity at
which may, perhaps, have more reason to thank the judges for their
ignorance than he, in his jocularity, for a moment suspects.
A Spanish Union.
KING ALFONso of Spain is about to wed a daughter of the Duke
de Montpensier. His Majesty's dominions are at present so unequally
divided between himself and Don Carlos he thinks he can do with a
SEPTEMBER 4, 1875.] FU N .99
SONGS OF A SUBURB.
No. V.-THE IDENTIFIED LODGER.
As a nice old gent was a-going up stairs
To his room on the nineteenth landing,
And his legs were a-giving themselves such airs
As there wasn't no understanding -
(For the N. 0. G. had been out to sup
By particular invitation)-
He met the pussycat half-way up
In a state of tribulation.
She waggled'her tail, and she tore her-EaXir,.
Ag.tifrom remorse's bitterness,
Aniti. vtaltogether, I do declare,
A&pitiful sight to witterness.
He hardly liked to inquire what cause,
Made her misery so effusive,
Because he was only a-lodging there,
And the house wasn't his, exclusive.
So down he sat on the banister rail-
Till that cat got calm, comparative;
When, drying her eyes with her lovely tail,
She embarked on the following narrative.
" Oh, it was when my claws were but partly grown
And my tail it was young and fairer,
That an innocent babe was left alone
In the middle of the Great Sahairer.
" Some sops there was in a chiney plate,
In the handiest situation,
Which was clearly intended to -obviate
And I feel a horrible inward pain
When recalling my heartless atrocity;-
I consumed that sop to its latest drain,
And escaped with much velocity.
"Oh, I left that babe to fight it out.
With approaching dissolution;
For the air of the desert is bad, no doubt,
For the juvenile constitution ;
And it's long ago since the crime I did,
But my misery's still increasing ;
And the dismal ghost of that murdered kid
Still haunts me about unceasing.
"But, oh, if the Count, its unnatural dad,
Hadn't left. it there a scorching,
That assassinated babe would have lived, and had
A particularly handsome fortching.
Oh, I feel in my bosom a pitiless stab
When I think it was left to smoulder;
And it had a mark of a four-wheeled cab
In the middle of its left-hand.shoulder."
That gentthe glared as a madman glares,
And he. knitted his forehead blackly;
Avd he.dashed up seventeen hundredstajs
In seventeen steps exackly;
And he sought his room, with akapuazieldfrown,
Did that very astounded glarer-
For-he it was who had been pla.t.dowB
hlathe middle of the Great Saha4ier.1!!
And his landlady's ear he weit-to astosud
With the wonderful narration,
And extremely touched she was when she found
He was heir to wealth and station.
And her manners. grew, I am proud to say,
So singularly complacent
That she married that lodger the very next-day
In a neighboring church, adjacent !
But that gentleman found, extremely abashed,
That his hopes of assuming his station
Were (if you'll allow the expression) dashed
For the want of substantiation.
And his partner said that the lesson would rouse.
That gent to his sober senses :
And she had him up for obtaining a spouse
By means of false pretences.
That pussycat gave an indignant start
When taxed with the fabrication,
And vowed it was all an integral part
Of the gent's imagination.
That gent's in gaol, but he says it's prime
And noway's inconvenient;-
But then, you see, he's a serving his time
As a First-class Misdemenient."
A 'Fluctuating Balance.
AN amiable being who for a wager tried to drive a horse to death,
and for that purpose harnessed a cart containing two tons of stone to
it, then set out right merrily, was arrested after a considerable
portion of the journey was completed, charged, and fined 5. As the
horse had to be turned into catsmeat before it would produce any
portion of the fine, its driver thinks the law has been unnecessarily
strained to annoy him, without doing anybody else any good. We
think he is right, and that the easiest and most inexpensive way of
meeting the difficulty would have been to harness him to the two tons
of stone, and let him pull his five pounds' worth out of that. And
keep him there until he had done it, or finished the original jaunt,
as proposed by himself in the interests of sport and love of horseflesh.
Let him not grieve, however; some one offending not half so much
will be punished twice as heavily, and thereby prove the wondrous,
as well as glorious, equality of the law, which balances itself aftel-
leniency to the guilty by a little extra hardness to the innocent.
(N.B.-And be it thoroughly understood, when the latter are poor and
unable to help themselves.)
100 F UJN [SEPTEMBBR 4, 1875.
L .. -- --
Charlie (engaged to Annie) :-" YES, WE'VE BEEN TO HUNT FOR FOSSILS." Annie :- DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MA'; WE'VE BEEN
LOOKING rOR AUNT TABITHA!" Mamma:- "A! IT'S ALL THE SAME, I DARESAY."
CAPTAIN MATTHEW WEBB.
STHE Ocrorus's CONGRATULATIONS.
BRIGHTON, August 28.
THE ThEAR CAPTAIN
r r J JJ WEBB,-At low-
i est ebb
ow OPEN oN my spirits were till
,*- just now,
S. But your great feat is
-such a treat,
It rubs off all my
To think that you,
h4+t1 1 but
It cannot be, as you shall see-
The Press knows most about it."
But, Captain dear, devoid of fear,
You plunged in-best of swimmers!
The fools are down, you've won the crown-
We'll drink your health in brimmers.
From out these tanks accept our thanks,
1Do let us see you one day.
Good human fish, pray grant our wish-
And fear not Mrs. Grundy.
Come when you can, brave sailor man,
We don't mind if it's Sunday.
S two, Pour les Dames.
;': Should outrage ev'ry AN association has been formed, the hopeful object of
I annual, which is to petition the Queen to compel railway companies
And, spite of rules laid to have compartments "for ladies only" attached to all
, down by fools, trains, and compel "ladies only" to ride in them. The
Should swim across latter compulsion will be the harder for Her Majesty to
- the Channel! apply. We have long been convinced that when a "lady
only" makes a railway journey, she has no other object
A man of rank, close than to escape from the society of those intolerable bores,
by mv tank, her own male friends, to that of those courteous and
Said, Pho, he's far interesting gentlemen, the male friends of some other lady.
too weak, sir !" We may be mistaken in this view, but we are proud to say
And sporting scribes, it has the support of the fair creatures whose virtues adorn
r- with jeers and the domestic circle of which Mr. Fun is the hope and the
Cried, Cross the
Oh- Silver Streak, Rejected Contributions.
that is, you shan t THE man who took a dislike to another felt humiliated
While we can write when it was handed" back to him with the simple remark,
and doubt it; "Take that!",
F t j NI .-SEPTEMBER 4, 1875.
THE -COMING MEAT FAMINE.
A DREAM OF THE TIME AT HAND.
SErrPTEER 4, 1875.]
LET ME GO!
ON gloomy nights or gloomy days
I hate the very features-
The very looks-the very ways-
Of all my fellow-creatures.
I hate the style of living here-
The circles I am thrown in:-
I want a private hemisphere
To play about alone in.
When Genius rusts upon the shelf-
When Talent vainly labours;-
When everybody loves himself,
And nobody his neighbours-
The land that once was very dear
I do but sigh and groan in;-
I want a private hemisphere
To play about alone in.
When only twenty-one or so
I loved my country duly;-
At forty, though, new longings grow,
And shortly grow unruly.
For other climes I wish to steer,
Which I am now unknown in;-
I want a private hemisphere
To play about alone in.
Fife for Shame.
A HALFPENNY sheet, which, though not subsidized,
is currently reported to be supported by Grant, informs
us that recently "his Royal Highness Prince Leopold
drove over to Braemar and partook of tea at the Fife
Arms." As loyal subjects, our pleasure would have
been increased if H.R.H. had "partook" of jam and
" creases," or winkles, with his tea; but we presume it
was Fife o'clock tea.
Ma. W. FRASER RAE is engaged on a work to be called
" George Washington and the American Opposition to
George III." This, we are told, is to be one of a series
of similar works; so we warn Mr. Rae that we have
ourselves registered the following titles: -" Koffee
Kalkalli, the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition in
Ashantee," and Nana Sahib, the Head of the Cawnpore
I,- -:t~~ I
"DEAR ME, MRS. SPRINGS, HOW IS IT YOU ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A TALL,
"WHY, MY DEAR, LOOK AT THE SAVING! ONE BIG ONE EATS LESS THAN
TWO LITTLE ONES "
LOTS AND LINES.
CAPTAIN WEBB swims across the Channel in puris naturalibus. This
is about equal to going from here to Australia in a Boyton suit. Yet
lie had no steamer full of champagne and specials mixed," and so
perhaps he isn't a hero after all. = Murder of Commodore Goodenough
by Pacific Islanders. They may be Pacific when all their wants are
supplied, but it would hardly be Goodenough for us to do business
with them. = There's no mistake, niggers as well as Injuns" is
" pison out Santa Cruz way. Anything but a good cruise-way for the
gallant Commodore. = New Khan of Khokand proclaimed. Chaldron
would be a better title, and much more colourable. Man sentenced
to prison for three months for declaring himself single. As if being
married wasn't sufficient punishmnent-for a soldier. (Or, as our
special Benedict says, for any other man.") Liverpool sweep
brings an action against a superintendent of police for false imprison-
ment. Nonsuited because bound to admit that things "looked
black against him. = Daily Telegraph discovers a terrible horse
disease in London. Only another name for a dreadful Mare's Nest. =
Boy ordered 5 compensation by Worship-street magistrate for having
the sight of one eye quite destroyed-maliciously. Should like a right
worshipful opinion as to the exact commercial value of the remaining
"The Great Unknown."
A DAILY paper, reporting a recent inquest, says that it was unknown
" whether the deceased hanged himself and then cut his throat, or
whether he was murdered." Nonsense! The man who could accomplish
a physical impossibility like that of which deceased is suspected would
never allow himself to be murdered. Perhaps, however, he did, for
the sake of puzzling the penny-a-liners. And up to the time of going
to press, those useful but unsartorial gentlemen have been unable to
settle the vexed question.
WHATEVER you sell, Sir-whatever you trade in-
I hope I may mildly but firmly suggest
That, as well as the time all your profits are made in,
Enough is allowed you for natural rest.
No doubt the excitements of Commerce are thrilling,
'Tis hard from such altitudes weakly to drop;-
But, at least for to-night, Sir-however unwilling-
Do put up your shutters and shut up your shop.
You see, Sir, I too am a tradesman and brother,
As greedy for gain as the best of my crew;-
Only I offer one thing and you sell another,
And neither imagines he's worst of the two.
Of course there is nothing of rivalry in it,
Where each has a tree and inhabits the top;-
Still, by way of a novelty,-just for a minute-
Pray put up your shutters and shut up your shop.
Just fancy the state of affairs at a meeting
Of traders in ev'ry conceivable trade;
One and all in a frenzy, with fury repeating
The fact that their goods were the best ever made.
A picture so ghastly should act as a warning.-
This mercantile maundering try, Sir, to stop;
And, until you get ready for work in the morning,
.Please put up your shutters and shut up your shop.
Great Improvement in Journalism.
A WITTY contemporary has refrained from any allusion to the
embrace of death under the Mistletoe, in connexion with a recent
THE BRITISH WORKMAN.-BY ON1
Eater ANo. 1.-No. 1 : Leaks, do it? It ain't to be wondered at. Patty fine job
he's made o' this, whoever done it! Some folks does muddle!! "
No. 2: Well, I am jiggered! Leaks ? Well, somebody 'as bin a-bunglin' at
this Lucky yer called me in."
Ma. BaowNING'S new poem, which will be out in October, is said to
treat of "the effect produced upon the mind by sudden loss of fortune."
We will venture to forestall Mr. Browning, by explaining that the
effect varies according to circumstances, even in the same person.
When Brown lost his fortune by the great burst-up of the Central
Sahara Ship-of-the-Desert Copper-Sheathing Company, he was very
much distressed; whereas he bore with cheerful fortitude the disaster
which befell the Adrial Mining Fraternity, although that calamity
deeply affected a shareholder named Smith, who, in his turn, con-
templated with conspicuous indifference the burning of the Messrs.
Robinson's fire-proof-paint factory. Mr. Jones, who was garotted and
robbed by Mr. Sikes, appears to be much more depressed by this
" sudden loss of fortune" than it is likely that Mr. Sikes is. We
trust Mr. Browning will take as the motto of his book that condensa-
tion of all wisdom into two words, applicable alike to a philosophical pro-
position and a monkey hanging by the tail, namely-" It depends."
A Butcher's Shop.
THE name of the Bishop of Meath is Butcher. Surely there is an
unnecessary "h" in his diocese.
SEPTEMBERR 4, 1875.
IE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
" There now-fancy we've put that to rights. Nothink like a thurrer workman
to git things square !"
[Erit No. 1 complacently.-Enter No- 2.
" There-that do look a bit more ship-shape. Nothink like coming' to a good
workman at once."
[Exit No. 2 satisfied. And so on.
Thrown into the See.
FORGETTING the old saw about the futility of going into mourning
for milk that has returned to dust, the Mforninq Post, sorrowful, shows
that the money expended on the Moody and Sankey mission would
have paid the first year's salaries of seven additional bishops, at 4,000
per annum." Nay, more, it would have given one archbishop a
handsome bonus of 28,000 Alas, that the means of doing good
should be so improvidently squandered!
A Southsea Bubble.
AN inhabitant of Southsea advertises a reward for the recovery of a
strayed Cooley" dog. Can it be that he has adopted this mode of
spelling for fear his animal may be confounded with the other Collie,
who, by a metamorphosis the equal of which is not to be found in
either Ovid or Darwin, suddenly became a black sheep, and then just
as suddenly vanished into thin air ? All replies to be post-poned.
THE following riddle is respectfully submitted to the Poet Laureate
of the Moore and Burgess Minstrels. What is the difference, if any,
between speaking gum-Arabic and making a stump speech ?
SEPTEMBER 4, 1875.]
THE AMBITIOUS BATHING-WOMAN.
A TRUE STORY OF MARGATE.
SOME seasons back a city gent and youthful Earl on bathing bent,
towards the end of August went to Margate, on the coast of Kent;
where dancing waves the breezes scent, and, heedless of the awful
rent, down by the sea each pitched his tent.-Oh, tol de rol looral lay!
The Earl, a youth of forty-nine, conceived a passion all divine, for
Mary Jane, a maiden fine, who gaily hung upon a line the clothes of
those who sought the brine sea water does with sand combine. To
take her hand the Earl did pine, and whisper, Sweet, my heart is
thine; your bathing-dress cast off and shine in higher spheres as wife
of mine.-Oh, tol do rol looral lay !
The city gent he loved her too; each day he hung about to view the
lovely maid in serge of blue, who nimbly in her hobnails flew About
among the bathing crew, and all the morn had nought to do but hang
the gowns of varied hue where summer winds might dry them through.
The love of both that maiden knew; but e'er she chose one sweetheart
true, and to the other answered Pooh!" she thought she'd try a
little coup ; so wrote to each a billy doo, and sent it by a friend named
'Sue.-Oh, tol de rol looral lay!
To each she wrote, My dearest dear, I long hae watched you wink
and leer, and shake your danny from the pier, and strive by signs
to make it clear, that you would wed me but you fear my manners
might not suit your sphere. Your aching heart I now can cheer,
and wipe away the scalding tear. My name is Mary Jane de Vere;
I am the daughter of a peer, who lost a fortune brewing beer; his ale
was bad, his end was queer-I changed my name and settled here,
and donn'd this strange unseemly gear to'scape the world's unthinking
jeer, and earn some twenty pounds a year.-Oh, tol de rol looral lay !
The Earl he read her note and swore, and hallooed as his hair he
tore: Of noble birth-oh, what a bore! In fancy I did proudly soar
to do a thing ne'er done before by one who lofty title wore,-in honest
wedlock to implore a maid who toiled from ten to four at drying towels
on the shore. Alas! my dream of bliss is o'er. Oh, cruel fate, my
hopes to floor !" His heart was wounded to the core : he sailed away
beyond the Nore, and ne'er was heard of any more.-Oh, tol de rol
The city gent her note surveyed, then o'er his face there crept a
shade, and walking on the esplanade, his trembling limbs his grief
betray'd. He was a true commercial blade, who always called a spade
a spade, and so he wrote and called her Jade," and said he really was
afraid his cards would be but badly played to take to wife a simple
maid, whose father'd sullied social grade by losing capital in trade.
Had daddy been of that brigade who knee-deep in the water wade,
and run to nervous ladies' aid, he then an offer might have made.
His head was turned: he thrice hoorayed, then leapt from off the Grand
Parade. His bones were in the churchyard laid.-Oh, tol de rol looral
When Mary's pal returned and said the Earl had packed his
traps and fled, and that the city gent was dead, poor Mary shook her
simple head; a bitter tear or two she shed, then rubbed her pretty
peepers red, and vowed she'd seek old ocean's bed; but changed her
mind instead and wed a Margate boatman, known as Ted.-Oh, tol
de rol looral lay !
The moral's plain as plain can be: Oh, maids who toil beside the
sea, and wish to be the -lawful she offshoots of some old noble tree, or
cits" possessed of L. S. D.; remember if such bow the knee to
one so humbly placed as thee, your only charm's that low degree
which suits you to their companee.-Oh, tol de rol looral lay!
From all such pranks I pray refrain as marred the lot of Mary
Jane, the lass who worked beside the main, and tried a husband rich to
gain, but lost the lot she would attain, and had to take a humble
swain, through giving wild ambition rein. If you the knowledge can
retain that pride is ever beauty's bane, and lying leads to grief and
pain, I shall not then have rhymed in vain.-Oh, tol de rol looral lay!
ACCORDING to the Western M.ail, -of Cardiff, which has just been
interviewing his Eminence, Cardinal Manning is going to have a clause
in his will stating that there is no heresy which by reporters he has
not been made to utter." But why leave it to his will ? Surel tht
is not his usual way. Brown, who will have his little joke, sa s the
Cardinal's desire is to make the utterance specially and doubly ex-
From Grave 'to Gay."
AN application was recently made to the Liverpool magistrates for
a theatrical licence to the Ebenezer Chapel, Toxteth Park, which it was
proposed to alter and name the Prince Arthur Theatre. Such a pro-
position was rarthur too much of a good thing, and the magistrates
naturally exclaimed, "We Connaught grant your application."
A DUMMY CAPTAIr
IN distant climes there lived a king who often took a trip
Across the waters of his realm, and kept a private ship;
He'd captains three to keep a watch and twenty men to steer,
He'd brave commanders gaily laced to help the engineer.
But over them there reigned supreme a boss of all the crew-
His cousin-german, all Serene, the Prince of Cariboo.
The captains they were nobodies, who merely did the work
A salt of such exalted rank would naturally shirk.
They only stood upon the bridge, and in humble way
Performed the little offices for which he drew the pay.
For years they safely took the ship across the waters blue,
While majesty sat tgte-d-tdte with Cousin Cariboo.
When tempests rose, andl waves were rough, his highness had to go
And soothe his sovereign's agony on pillows down below;
He held the basin, mixed the grog, assumed a cheery tone,
And bathed his cousin's aching brow with water of Cologne.
Of helm, or spar, or rope, or sheet, of course he nothing knew,-
That model naval officer, great Captain Cariboo.
An accident one day occurred-they ran a schooner down;
Some folks in sight of Royalty were rude enough to drown.
The prince was in a dreadful state, until a captain saidi-
"We'll have to let the public know the blame is on my head.
Although you hold supreme command, with this you've nought to do,
Your dolcefarnientiness, my Prince of Cariboo."
The captain kept his word and swore the prince was never known
To interfere on board the ship supposed to be his own;
He merely held the highest rank and drew the highest pay,
And hid behind the funnel when a boat got in the way.
The natives heard the captain's tale and cried, "If this be tinue,
A real royal officer is Captain Cariboo! "
DESCRIBING the affair in which Commodore Goqeinough lost his
life, a morning paper says:-" The Commodore-and his party were
preparing to return to the vessel, when a poisoned arrow was
discharged point blank at him." The writer who uses the technical
term point blank" in so accurate a sense, and with so definite a
notion of its meaning, will perhaps inform us if' he ever knew a horse
to run winning-post up the road, or a ship to sail equator from, say,
Southampton. Did he ever know a dog to fight bone of contention
with another dog, or a bird fly nest about the countryside ? It has
not hitherto been known that the bow and arrow possessed such a thing
as a "point blank;" but if so, it is still a mystery how the arrow can
be discharged at it. If our contemporary cannot procure some
elementary work on gunnery we advise him to look up the term
" point blank" in some dictionary. he one upon our table explains
it thus: "Direct, horizontal "-a definition so simply and frankly
senseless that it could hardly fail to give our contemporary keen
delight and lasting instruction.
A GREAT many contradictory reports having been published as to
who is to go with the Prince of Wales to India, and who is not,
as correspondent of each of the principal daily papers, we feel it
our duty to come to the rescue, and put the matter straight at once and
for ever. Mr. Jones was to have represented the Standard, but his
boots have gone to be mended, and so Mr. Smith is to have the
appointment. The Telegraph would have preferred the services of
Mr. Brown, but that gentleman has mislaid his dictionary of quota-
tions, and is confined to his room in consequence, thereby giving up
the chance to Mr. White, the rising junior. If the Daily Vews
can't have a ship and a Prince all to itself it won't send a reporter-
it won't, there! And as for the Times, it is going to try its now patent
self-acting automaton special correspondence machine, invented and
patented by the proprietor-the Hookey Walter-on this auspicious
opportunity. -Meanwhile, the -Echo is equal to the occasion, and thinks
quite enough may be done for a halfpenny by quietly sharpening up
the scissors, .dlearing out the pastepot, and making no fuss about it
Mind Your Spelling.
Da. KENEALY says that this is an age of locomotion." Ho meant
HOMING" birds seem able to hold their own with the telegraph.
Are the messages they carry written': i Pigeon-English ?"
106 F U KJN SEPTEMBERR 4, 1875.
!0, I -1.... THE CAMPERS-OUT.
S',, ting-J,'i WE'RE three uproarious campers out
S, Beside of the rolling stream;
.The rain is pattering round about,
S, The meadows are damp, and steam;
I The tent is wringing; the rugs are wet;
E O" The butter and ham perspire;
And not a man of our moistened set
g oIs able to light the fire;
i* The twigs and fuel and box of lights
Have lain in a pool awhile-
Oh, yes! We're doing the thing to-rights,
In thoroughly English style !
We watch the drizzle descending hard,
And chuckle with lightsome glee;
The cheese and butter are mixed with lard
And pepper and salt and tea;
tThe jams have rallied and burst their skins,
The kettle has come to grief ;
a gThe milk of Switzerland leaves its tins,
And covers the boots and beef;
The rats are up, and amuse our nights
With many an artful wile-
We're really doing the thing to-rights,
In regular English style!
Our boat (we notice with much delight),
Containing our humble cheer,
Has sneaked adrift in the silent night
And quietly shot the weir!
Some yards away, in a cheerful roar,
Allowing his feelings vent,
A bull we hadn't observed before
Has suddenly seen the tent.
That bull's intelligent eyeball lights
With pleasantly playful guile-
He's bent on doing the thing to-rights,
In thoroughly English style
--- -- A Query.
SWEETNESS AND LIGHT." A VAST number of men daily peruse the organ of
Printing-house-square, and shape their commercial courses
Mr. Boozer:-" I SHAYT, S3rITHSH, THERESH A FIRE SHUMWHERESH. UsGH of action according to its counsels. Do they ever
WHAT A NASTY SHMELL; IT MrST BE A RAGSHOP A BURNING. WHY, IT's reflect that the people who constantly study our con-
POSHITIVELY FILTHY !" temporary are always behind the Timnes?
UNFOUNDED RUMOURS. The Old Original."
THAT the Tmes considers the recent foundering of a schooner in TTHE Derby Mercury seems to think that a great deal too much
sight of her Majesty an In-Solent affair. That the Bessemer has been honour has been paid Mr. Plimsoll, who is considered to be quite an
dry docked in the Patent Museum, South Kensington. That his insignificant person when compared with the editor of this local
Serene Highness Prince Leiningen is to have supreme command of luminary-by the editor, who lays claim to being the old and only
heren while Higthere, and that in the event of a visitor appreme command of original" establisher of the demand for justice to seamen, and regards
near he will telegraph Captain Welch for instructions. That Webb the member for Derby as only an imitator bashing the reflected
has offered to swim across the Channel and carry Boyton, his lustre of the .Derby Mercury. It is really astonishing how many people
apparatus, public company, and all on his back That the Prince ofhis find themselves to be the originators of things, after said things have
apparatus, public comtake a panyck of cards withall on him to the East thein order to have become successful and popular. We presume, even while admitting the
an India rubber. That "The Convicted Murderer's Complete Letter peculiarities of the original possess editor is fain the title, and isware of toohe
Writer, edited by a Gaol Chaplain," will be the book of the season. peculiarities of the o al possessor of the title, and is not too
That the Embankment, in front of the new Opera House, is to be original himself to follow in the wake of one so deservedly famous in
scented nightly by Rimmel. That Colonel Baker is spending his even- the way of appropriation.
wings in inventing a better means of communication between passenger
and guard. That Mr. Disraeli says that when he has the gout it is "'Tis Meat."
the Premier pas qui cohte. That the shareholders of the London and OuR cousin of Spain" is in difficulties with her butcher and baker,
Westminster Bank are still suffering from Collie wobbles. That and the details of her kitchen arrangements have been published to
Colonel Tomline has taken a public-house in the interests of bar silver, the world. Under existing circumstances crowned heads might be
That if Cotton is the new Lord Mayor he woA't beat all his pro- pardoned if, by a slip of the tongue, they addressed the unfortunate
decessors straight off the reel. But he will. Isabella as Ma cuisine."
CAUTION.-If Cocoa thicken in Me mcp it proes te addition of starch
Printed by JUDD & 00.. Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London, Sept. 4,1875.
C..BRANDAUER & CO,'S New registered "press
series of these Pens neither scratch nor spurt-the
points being rounded by a new process.-Ask your
Stationer for a Sixpenny Assorted Sample Box and
select the pattern best suited to your hand.
N's-, B I u- e.
At SuppfieldLlo Ahe,,.,
LAUN D kE$G-
SEPTEMBER 11, 1875.] F U NT 107
A LOST OPPORTUNITY.
(A SEASIDE SONG.)
I'vE wandered all over the town, Mfrs. Brown-
(Albeit my hunger's acute)-
Extending my quest to the east and the west;
But there isn't a lodging to suit.
I want a magnificent suite, all complete,
With furniture fit for a king;
And it struck me as quite on the cards that you might
Have the very identical thing!
A dozen apartments of state, all ornate
With hangings of value untold,
With ebony doors and with porphyry floors,
And with crystal, and marble, and gold.
You'll give me an African slave when I shave,
And twenty or so when I pat;
And music to play all the night and the day,
And exotics to strew at my feet!
You needn't look savage and frown, Mrs. Brown;
You needn't turn harshly away:
It's weak to be vext, or to mumble, "What next ? "
And Whoever's a-goin' to pay ?"
The doubt you unkindly suggest is contest;
I've only a "fiver '"to spend;
Nor the fact do I mask, that the favors I ask,
I request you to do as a friend.
If the few little comforts I need you concede,
Instead of revolving your thumbs,
With praises profound I will mention you round
To all my particular chums.
But if coaxing won't soften you down, Mrs. Brown,
You'll lose this desirable chance;
I'll cross to Dieppe (for it's only a step),
And I'll scatter my fiver in France !
A Waif from the Solent.
IT is stated that the jury in the Alberta-Mistletoe
case were discharged without giving a verdict because
"they were unable to agree as to what form the rider
should take." It should have taken the form of a Royal BY JOVEI
obst acle.ndthen it would have ridden over every First Swell:-"B Jov, FWED, OW AWUY WE'DIUOUSY TE
WOMEN OF THE PWESENT DAY DWESS! "
BonARD WAGEs.-Directors' fees. Second .Dito:-" YA-AS, BY JovE!"
NOTICES TO CONTRIBUTORS e and your splendid benefactions to the postal department. Through
your desire to stamp in deep and ineffaceable characters upon our
A CONSTANT READER.-YeU say Captain Webb was able to swim memory the fact of the Princess Louise being a "maiden all for
the Channel because he is Webb-footed. The notion is captivating Lorne,"-and, as you sometimes thoughtfully add, "(forlorn) "-an
and original. We have made some small use of it, and are willing to important industry has been put upon a footing of assured prosperity,
payfor it. Kindly call in cabs and receive your money, which will be and the national revenue unspeakably augmented. Accept the grati-
paid over the counter by a corps of competent cashiers specially tude of those who esteem without the desire to emulate.
engaged for the occasion. The best time to call will be three o'clock AMATEUn.-The anecdote you send we shall be happy to use if you
on Sunday morning next, at which hour your presence in Fleet-street will make the necessary arrangement with the publishers of Aristo-
would least impede traffic. If you care to fetch along your wife we phanes; there is a question ef copyright. If, however, it should
will endeavour to find accommodation for her in Salisbury-square, the appear that Aristophanes had the anecdote from Confucius, as is
Temple Gardens, and all along the Embankment as far West as commonly believed, we will cheerfully use it, and lot the gentlemen
Waterloo Bridge: the rest of the Embankment, we are sorry to say, mentioned do their worst. They cannot more than kill you.
we have been unable to engage, having been meanly forestalled by the
publisher of a rival sheet. You had better leave the baby at the
Crystal Palace, the managers of which have generously consented to Peine Forte et fare.
receive the little darling on deposit; but should the capacity of their A SOUTHPORT contemporary says, concerning some barristers
building prove inadequate, we cannot be responsible for damage by exposed to the practical jocularity of a certain judge, that "they
weather. Have the goodness to present our regards to Mrs. Constant relished the little joke of the learned gentleman about as highly as a
Reader in the various modern languages, and believe us yours dog undergoing the process of vivisection might remark of the opera-
respectively. tor that it was all done in the cause of science.' A dog enduring
An ADMIRER OF "FUN."-We had previously heard that the the more intolerable torture of this writer's English would probably
Princess Louise was a "maiden all for Lorne." Indeed, unless we be less persuaded of the usefulness of whatever object the operator
mistake, you have yourself employed your leisure moments during might wish to attain; and even Science herself would confess the
the past few years in considerately informing us that such is the case, triviality of the end proposed, as compared with the colossal agonies
and we congratulate you on the possession of more leisure than any entailed by the means employed.
man we know; you must be very rich, and we honour you for it.
The man whose wealth enables him to give up his whole life to the The China Mania.
task of impressing some wholesome truth upon a single fellow- Mat. WADE, the British Ambassador in China, is having a prolonged
creature is entitled to the most distinguished censideration-and that bicker with the Chinese Government. England is not likely to rush
without regard to whether or not he avail himself of his opportunity. into war, but unless the complexion of affairs at Pekin be speedily
We should respect you just as much if you had never taught us any- altered, she will have to Wade into it.
thing whatever. It is only just on behalf of the nation to gratefully
acknowledge your truly imperial patronage of the stationery interest, THE SPREAD OF TEE SxxseN.-The spread of the cattle disease.
108 F U N [SEPTEMBER 11, 1876.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Bept. 8, 1876.
A RECALCITRANT MOVEMENTS:,
LORD JOHN, to meddle you are prone-
To muddle always frantic;
And people hardly care to own
That they have av.y feeling shown
About your latest antic.
But when they think of days gone by
And, how throughout the nation,
You caused a dread and dismal cry"-
They think the proper word is Fie !"
And feel some perturbation.
They can but think how altered are your dealings -
Since others had to suffer for your feelings.
Go to! Lord John, your sympathy's offensive;
Though, better that, than as it was-expensive.
A CASE has just been heard at Derby which, if it is to be regarded
as a precedent, will materially affect the condition and stability of
many houses of charity in and about the metropolis. Christians of all
denominations who are not bigots-aye, and Jews, too-have over
and over again borne testimony to the amount of good work- done for
the sick poor, for the homeless -and the destitute, for the widow and
the orphan, by the various associations of Catholic nuns who devote
themselves entirely to the cause of charity-humbling themselves to
beg of the affluent for no purpose other than that of bestowing. what
they receive upon the helpless and the afflicted. The unostentatious
manner in which the good work is done, and the amount of benefit
conferred by the workers, are too well known to need recital here.
Yet despite the fact that there could be no possible suspicion of
vagrancy in their case, two poor sisters, who were soliciting: subscrip-
tions-from house to house, were, under the Vagrant Act, arrested, and
carried to the Derby magistrates' court, where, although they received
no punishment. they were very practically warned not to offend again.
Doubtless, the head constable, who seems to be the promoter of the
persecution, is a very worthy -man, and was actuated by the best
motives. Unfortunately, however, worthy men of limited compre-
hension are always doing some evil to a good cause. Possibly the con-
stable thought that no good could come out of anything conventual;
possibly, that the poor ought to be left to take care of themselves.
But, however it may be, there is the fact, that for soliciting aid, not
for themselves, but for others, the nuns were taken into custody.
We should like to know, if this be the law, how far it goes; and
whether, if a ve-roce application be illegal, an advertisement is right
and proper. Because, if the great institution of advertising, as
well as the small one of charity, is to be attacked, we may see in
the columns of the daily press something beyond the scant and simply
passing attention this little matter has so far received.
THE FOOL OF THE FAMILY."
SINCE daily now some scandal comes to pass
Which casts discredit on the Reverend class,
'Tis time to change a saying once in vogue
By dropping "fool" and substituting "rogue."
Dux and Geese.
WANTED particularly, the names and addresses of the seven thousand
two hundred and eighty-one anonymous senders of a joke about WVebb-
feet, with which we have been driven to desperation during the past
ten days. Our reason for asking is, because we see that Mr. William
Waddell, of Mansion House Chambers, has started a Testimonial
Fund for the hero of the Channel; and we feel sure that corre-
spondents who have been so lavish of their wit would not be sparing of
their cash if they could only be brought to see the connection between
Webb-feet and Waddell. WVe are afraid, however, that a surgical
operation would in many cases be found absolutely necessary. Mean-
while, we trust that both Mr. Waddell, who is well-known in
connection with the London Athletic Club, and Mr. J. G-. Chambers,
of Land ared lWater, may be successful in their efforts on behalf of one
who is so truly dux among swimmers.
The Force of Example.
LouD RussELL having sent 50 to the Herzegovina insurgents, an
individual named Hassan writes to the papers that he will present a
similar sum to the first people who rebel against British misrule. If
he keeps his word it will be a case of a Hassan his money soon
parted. He might save trouble by leaving the half-century with us.
We are game to qualify at any moment.
THE PUBLIC SUBSCRIPTION MANIA.
(TIDINGS PROM SHINGLEPORT-ON-THE-BEINY.)
WEDNESDAY, Aug. 32, 1875.-A cloud
RIPr S of depression has been hanging over
Shingleport-on-the-Briny; everyone is
low-spirited, as if labouring under a
vague sense of some undefined want.
There is a general, but inexplicable,
yearning for relief, but nobody knows
what is the matter. Half the shops are
shut, and the band no longer plays on
the pier during the afternoon; nobody
flings any pebbles into the sea, or looks
at the performing mice; there is an air
of silent misery about the town council,
and the mayor is positively heart-broken.
It is most incomprehensible!
THURSDAY, Aug. 33.-The mayor has
suddenly found out what is the matter-
there hasn't been a public subscription got
up for six weeks! The mayor (who is as
energetic as he is intellectual) has imme-
diately, and with great presence of mind,
summoned the town council, and it has
been decided to get up a public subscrip-
S tion at once. The inhabitants have
brightened up immediately, and the town
is quite gay; the band is playing waltzes
on the pier, and the councilmen are
dancing round. The mayor is throwing
pebbles at the performing mice; tri-
/ umphal arches are in course of erection
everywhere, and there is a tremendous
display of bunting.
FRIDAY, Aug. 34.-A difficulty has
arisen, and a consequent check has oc-
curred in the festivities; the band is
playing the Dead March" in Saul, and
the people are conversing in anxious
groups; the triumphal arches are left
half-finished; the flags droop listlessly,
and the sun has gone in. The difficulty
/ is this. For whom is the public subscrip-
tion to be got up ? It is absurd to think
of giving the money to the paupers in the
workhouse, or to anyone else who needs
it; to possess any interest, the subscrip-
tion must be uncalled-for and out of place.
Couldn't you swim across the Atlantic ?"
says the mayor (who is as fertile in
device as he is fluent in conversation) to
the fattest and richest councilman; and
then we could present the subscription to
you." But the councilman says he has
other engagements. The popular de-
pression is coming on again.
SATURDAY, Aug. 35.- The town of
Shingleport has once more brightened up;
the triumphal arches are alive with work-
t /men, and the flags flutter gaily in the
wind; the sun is blazing; the band on
the pier is playing reels; the council-
men are boisterous; and everybody is
having something to drink. A solution
of the subscription difficulty has occurred
to the mayor (who is never without an
SA duke in a white hat has hopped
round the parapet of the town-hall three
times without falling, and the subscrip-
tion is to be presented to him.
The duke won't take it, and the town
is in despair again.
MoNDAY, Aug. 36.-Once more all is
happiness. The fattest councilman has
discovered a bald-headed millionaire
who has lost his bathing-machine, and is
wandering about in the water. Here is
. FUN. 109
SEPTEMBER 11, 1875.]
the very person for the subscription. The figures on the bathing-
machine are being obliterated to prevent the millionaire finding his
number; a deputation is about to wait upon him; the town is all flags;
a covered way from the sea to the town-hall is in progress ; and every-
body is having something more to drink.
TUESDAY, Aug. 37.-The misery of Shingleport is unu.terable. The
deputation was just going down to the sea when it was discovered
that the millionaire had escaped somehow. There are general hue and
cry and excitement; the band is all discord; the triumphal arches are
being torn down by an infuriated mob; it is raining; the mayor and
corporation have barricaded themselves in the town-hall, as their lives
are threatened; the fattest councilman has fallen a sacrifice to the
fury of the populace, and the duke in the white hat has climbed to the
church weathercock-for safety. A party with bloodhounds have gone
in search of the .millionaire.
Windows are-being smashed everywhere. Glass falling.
The mayor and council are holding a hurried consultation. I
wonder whether I could -swim across the Atlantic? says the mayor
(whose obesity is only equalled by his affability). "Never mind," he
adds, suddenly, I'll accept the subscription -without," and he has
ventured out on to the balcony and is attempting to address the
riotous mob below; he has avoided several brickbats by ducking, and
he has obtained a hearing. He says he will accept the subscription
himself; and the people cheer boisterously, and hurl bouquets at him.
There is an immense concourse at the doors below, struggling to
subscribe; preparations are in a forward state for illuminating the
High-street. The whole town is strewed with roses; the triumphal
arches are being re-erected; the band cannot play fast enough; the
duke in the white hat has come down from the weathercock and is
chaired round, and it is unanimously decided to erect a sumptuous
monument to the memory of the fattest councilman. Meanwhile the
millionaire has been found concealed within a large buoy, and is to
have a public banquet.
Everyone is having something more to drink. Glass rising.
A CANTANKEROUS CA'NTICLE.
0 SWEET the skankly skeesics are,
Amongst the filing trees!
But I'm too catawampous, far,
For pollicods like these.
The wangquang blossoms in the wood,
The red scomadger glows;
Tome their squallikack's no .good-
J'm'dead to things like those.
Blue burns the zanicookles .dot,
And bright th.e j'ek.' *Ye .L ,
In vain! In nr I I..:.pi'l not,
To fangle sich as them.
All Flesh is Grass,"
THE so-called practical man"-who is usually a fool-has a simple
and direct method of satisfying his mind on any disputed point which
admits of actual experiment." He does not waste his time balancing
probabilities and calculating results from data already acquired by
others. 'Not he O no! he tries the thing for himself, sir. Let us
illustrate. At Wibsey, near Bradford, the other day, a horse was
found calmly chewing the arm of a small boy, who with much diffi-
culty was rescued, or partly rescued, his preserver being himself much
eaten in the struggle. The animal's owner having been informed of
the carnivorous proclivities of his property, had his doubts, which,
being a practical man, he proceeded to resolve in an eminently prac-
tical way. Procuring another small boy, as nearly like the first as
possible, he exposed him to the suspected brute, which at once settled
the question by helping itself to a choice cut out of the poor little
fellow's back. It is much to the credit of the practical man that he
afterward consented to the destruction of the horse, without further
experiment with boys of different ages and with girls.
RorzALTY has taken quite a fancy to Margate of late. It is rumoured,
however, that the recent visit was merely, a Teck-nickel affair.
On the Surface.
THnaE are people who fancy that Boyton bites his toe-nails with
vexation because Webb has crossed the Channel. What nonsense!
The American's dress accomplished its mission when it floated a public
'TO A LEADER WRITER.
Srn,-1 have not the happiness to know you, but by the privilege of
reading you I daily profit. Permit me to hope that you may live for
ever, delighting, instructing, and reforming the world. I now pro-
pose to myself the grief of chastising you.
In a newspaper, the name of which, out of respect for its general
excellence, I ask the indulgence of not mentioning by name, an article
of yours recently appeared on the election of a Vicar in Clerkenwell.
A good article, I grant you. In the course .of it you speak- most
justly-of the absurdity of the great body ,of ,parishioners deciding
upon the claims of the two candidates withoutt having heard the
preaching of either. At this point you throw jAn the following ex-
traordinary sentence:-" When Ajax and 4UI.ysses competed for the
arms of Achilles they had an audience of experts to decide between
them." Having thus broken the continuity of your .remarks by a
brief incursion into antiquity and a flying visit to the plains of Troy,
you return, apparently refreshed, to-the Clerkenwell of to-day.
In conformity to what rule orlneoessity of art did you interpolate
that preposterous "illustration ".' Sir, have you the ignorance :to
suppose that the folly of deciding without knowledge requires to be
made clear by an example of,the opposite practice-an example, too,
of which you do not even take the .trouble to point out the signifi-
cance ? You are absurd! But.supposing an illustration required-
must you search so far for it ? Are there no modern instances to
point the application of your remarks ? You are blind. Will your
readers accept your cheap and trite classicality as the mark of i
superior mind ? You have the honour to be an idiot.
You only follow custom P To that fact you are indebted fo
this letter. I should hardly have taken the liberty of cen-uring you
for any private crime which you might have found it a pleasure to
commit; the offence is general. No member of your tribe ever, by
any chance,,fails to commit it from three to tVn times in the course
of a single leader. Their illustrations, which do not illustrate, are
invariably drawn from the ten-thousandrtimes rifled caskets of Greek
and Roman literature. They give us nothing else, for they know
nothing else. In the Book of Knowledge they have perused but a
single thumb-worn page-the only page .at which, to them, the
ponderous tome will mechanically .unclose. Without instruction,
they lack also .the sense to abstainifrom emphasizing their lack of it.
They twang always the single string of their intellectual harp, as
evidence of the.many melodies they could evoke if so minded. To
pay you the compliment of being plainawith you, sir, the class of
which you have the.good fortuneto be a distinguished representative
is largely composed of individual fools.
Receive, sir, the assurance of my sincere regard. THERSITES.
THREE Liverpool policemen recently refused to take into custody a
lunatic who was at large and violent. When asked to secure the madman
they declined, stating that was the duty of the parish authorities. Of
course, madness is not a crime, while idiotcy looks like being a positive
virtue to a Liverpool policeman. But why .didn't those who were
troubled with the lunatic charge him -with being drunk ? Perhaps
because after the consequent hard swearing they would never have
been able to prove him only mad again.
The Correct Thing.
SOME man-presumablyaparson-writes to a contemporary correcting
a typographical error by which, in a previous letter, he had been made
to say that he was willing to do a service-a form of expression which
he calls a gross vulgarism. If, as we suppose, a religious service
was meant, he is indubitably right, but if he meant some secular act
beneficial to others, he errs. It is perfectly correct, for example, to
say, I will do you good service." We wish to add, however, that it
is most injudicious, and commonly false.
Knowledge is Power."
A DAILY contemporary in an enthusiastic article on small-fry fishing,
says.that "gudgeon are both gregarious by nature and also timid."
We.should have relished this information muchbetter if we had been
informed which of the two was the more timid, and the process by
which the philosophy of Peterborough-court discovered the fatal secret
of the gudgeon famine. As gudgeon are not "flat" fish, it is indeed
strange that the writer should know so much about them.
THE railway official who arranged a -fatal collision at Kildwick
because the wick of some tail lamps required relighting, deserves a
medal at the hands of the Ghastly Jokers' Association. It would
be detracting from his merits to urge that his victims were killed
110 FU N [SBPTHMBER 11, 1875.
WORKMAN.-BY ONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
THa party who does the gutters and undoes the slates.
The party who does the garden and undoes the paint.
The foreman who say,-Bles his sou I ought to be ashamed of 'emselves.
Digraceful! ain't it? he'll let 'emr know what's what.
The party who does the slates and undoes the garden.
I I I .Ic I t;ll | iiir,,
The party who does the paint and undones the furniture.
Letting 'em know what's what.
I] _V9_ JF U N .-SEPTEMBER 11, 1875. 1.
A CHANGE IN OPINIONS.
Sultan: BUT, JOHNNY, YOU USED TO BE ON OUR SIDE. HOW ABOUT THE CRIMEAN WAR YOU FORCED YOUR COUNTRY INTO FOR MY SAKE? "
Johnny .ussell -" lDID I ? OH, THAT WAS SUCH A LONG TIME AGO I'D QUITE FORGOTTEN IT. NETER MIND, IT'S ONLY THE ECCENTRICITY
OF MY GREAT GENIUS! "
SEPTEMBER 11, 1875.] F U N .
"NOTHING IN THE -PAPERS;""
THE world and wife are out of towni
We're in the silly season;
In vain we glance the journals down ---
In search of sense and reason.-----.'- -
To Times, and News, and Telegray h
We turn to check the vapours: --
Alas, no wheat relieves the chafl-
"There's nothing in the papers! "
An accident or two a day
On rail, or road, or ocean,
A Turkish or a Spanish fray,
A Stock Exchange commotion-
There's little else to read about,
Except some rev'rend capers:
Though hard for news the liners tout-
There's nothing in the papers 1"
A brutal drunkard kills his wife,
The French expel our Betters,
The Queen takes part in Temp'rance strife
And writes consoling letters.
No rest obtain the writing men,
Who toil by midnight tapers:
Although this is the season when- 7
"There's nothing in the papers."
Rather a Novelty,
THE banks of Stockholm have issued
a notice that they will no longer cash Bank .
of England notes in consequence of the
numerous forgeries said to be in circula-
tionon the Continent. The tourist who A., VALUABLE SUGGESTION:
takes notes out will, therefore, have to Here you're, ladies! a light bamboo framework, and the panier will be available for a seat at
bring his Stockholm again. any time. No expense or trouble of camp stools, 4.c., then.
WEBB AND. WISDOM.
TO THE EDITOR OF THE "DAILY DREAMER."
SIR,-We are a great, an intellectual, I may say an insulated -race.
We are descended from the Thors and the Odins, the Duniewhassels,
the Heptameters, and the Heptarchies of those glorious days of old
which have been so often the theme of song and story. We are in
fact Englishmen, sons of Harold the Saxon and of William the
Norman, of the Dane and of the Norwegian-of the Scythian and.
Scandinavian likewise. We are of the Sea-kings; possibly of the
Sea-mews. In our veins there boils the lava-like torrent of the
Patrician, while the Plebeian is also not unrepresented. Can we then
forget what we owe to ourselves -to our ancestry ? Perish the
thought, and the thinkers.
I feel, sir, that the agitation which leads me to write is manifesting
itself in my letter. What I wish to say is this. Let some due token.
of recognition be given to Captain Webb. Let us not go in for paltry
testimonials; rather let us show what can be done as a nation. I beg,
therefore, to propose that, Captain Webb be made Duke of Dover, that
apartments be assigned him in the Castle commensurate with his rank,
that the crew of the lugger which accompanied him be. all knighted,
that an obelisk with a suitable inscription be placed on each side of the
Channel, and that the reporters of this great feat be made at once
editors of their various papers. The present editors to be pensioned,
and sent out with the Prince of Wales to India. I think this advice a
good deal more useful than a mere subscription to a paltry testimonial
of the money kind.-I am, etcetera, R. H. O'RYAN.
SiR,-When Captain Boyton paddled his own canoe across the
English Channel all the world wondered, and the demand for india-
rubber went up a hundred per cent. Shall the demand for a suitable
memorial for our brave English sailor, who alone and unaided accom-
plished a still greater task, be less manifest ? Let us hope not. I
think that if Captain Webb could be prevailed on to get himself
examined by some very eminent physician his secret might be
discovered, and a company be started to perpetuate the achievement
and promote the breed of swimmers. It could be called the Patent
Lung and Porpoise Oil Company, Unlimited, and I should feel that I
had done some good to humanity by proposing it.-Believe me to be
-Yours very etcetera, FLEET STREET.
SiR,-Pardon my presumption in addressing you, but I wish to say
that I for one don't think anything of the great Webb feat. There
are lots of fishes that keep on swimming for twenty-four hours of
every day of their lives, and, as you must be aware, it is admitted on all
hands that a fish is a very inferior animal when compared with a man.
This I think should determine the question. When Captain Boyton
crossed the Channel he did so in the cause of humanity and a suit
which no fish could possibly have managed. Therefore I admire him,
and think that Webb ought not to have meanly attempted to rob a
visitor of his well-won laurels. In fact, I think that all t he money
that has been raised for Webb should: be given to Boyton-and more
too.-Yours very much etcetera, A LOGICIAN. (U.S.)
Smi,-It is all very well to talk about Captain Webb, and his
undoubtedly able performance; but what I want to explain is this.
How are we to know that the same thing has never been done before ?
How are we to know that much greater swims have not been taken in
those good old times when- every man was his own athlete, and there
were no newspapers to record the brave deeds by which the supremacy
of Englishmen became un faith accompli? Is it not fair to suppose that
when there were neither ships nor rumours of ships swimming was not
only the usual mode of communication between the British Isles, but
between them and the Continent also,? Certainly it is; and until it is
positively shown that the Channel was never swum before, I beg to
subscribe myself-Yours excessively etcetera,
ONE WHO IS NOT TO BE IMPOSED ON,
SIR,-I venture to think that there are a great many people who
have never heard of me, and yet I have done a good deal to promote the
great deed of daring which is now convulsing the nation. I don't want
to lay claim to an undue amount of praise, but I certainly think the
honours of the recent exploit should be divided between me and the
Captain. Yes, sir, I am, more than usually etcetera,
THE MAN WHO FIRST DISCOVERED THE JOKE ABOUT WEBB-FEET.
[This correspondence must now cease.-Eu.]
Weighting, my Darling, for Thee."
A SHEFFIELD daily takes a pardonable pride in the circumstance
that the weight of the paper used in producing a recent issue was
" 6 tons, 0 cwt., 3 quarters, 21 lbs." The cwts. must feel considerable
chagrin at not being represented in this magnificent total, though
they were probably absent through no fault of their own. At this
time of the year it is less easy than at Christmastide to get together
a few hundred waits.