Ti _, v .
4-I llUIII" "
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
80, FLEET STREET, E.0.;
T was the highest and most grand meeting of the School Board. Not the naughty school board of the common world, which was simply
invented for the purpose of putting a fresh tax on householders, and impressing upon the people the advantages of ignorance; but a
Board which was so good it seemed almost lodging and washing as well, to say nothing of boots and other extras. Representatives of
the most distinguished educational establishments were gathered together, and all agreed, without putting it to the vote or going to
a division, that there was only one thing more curious than the weather. That was Sir Stafford Northcote's notion of Finance; unless,
indeed, it were Mr. Disraeli's ideas ef courtesy or Mr. Cross's ideas of anything.
There were they all met, and a right merry time they had of it, too. And why not ? At this, the real and only correct School Board
gathering, everybody was allowed to have his own way. Nobody was ever contradicted; whatever was said was right; every argument carried
its own conviction with it, and sentence was perpetually deferred. The debate% were all debated in a language which no one present under-
stood but the then speaker, and the price of a book of the words and a marking pencil with the names, weights, and colours of the debaters
was only One Penny. And why pay more ? was the motto engraven in its particular language on the heart of each person present.
Start not, gentle reader, neither be ye sceptical. In the happy country where this meeting was held reverence for thing solely because of its
high price was unknown. There a matter was judged entirely on its merits, and cheapness was a strong recommendation so long as it did not
interfere with quality. The cheap and nasty was objected to, of course, but so was the dear and dull; and no one believed that because a
publication, or, for the matter of that, a parsnip, was Threepence, it was better on that account, and that account alone, than a similar article
sold for a Penny. It may be hard indeed to believe, but it is none the less true. From the happy land of which wo write idiotcy had been
eradicated, and people did not judge of things existent by means of other things that had happened thirty years before. And the name of
this favoured spot was Funland.
From this it may be gathered that the meeting was very exclusive. It was, nevertheless, immensely attended, for the first families in the
land were governed by the School Board, and parents and guardians regularly gathered to get the annual report from the great Fan, who
always presided on these occasions. Crowns were doffed before him in token of lowly reverence. Sovereigns were quite changed when
they stood in his exalted presence. The slow shilling felt an unusual solemnity pervade his bosom, and the nimble ninepence narrowed per-
ceptibly his numismatic course. Everybody who was anybody was present, and those potentates whom urgent private affairs kept at home
had their places filled, for this occasion only, and by the kind permission of Madame Tussaud and the Commissioners of the South
Hark! There go the trumpets! See, with slow and majestic pace, and bearing in his hand a mystic volume, the great Fun, attended
by his Court and few familiars, enters the judgment chamber, and takes his seat upon the judicial bench.
But what is that disturbance outside ? Why that loud knocking at the outer gate ? Wherefore a clamour as of voices, first loud and
angry, then whining and piteous ?
An officer of the household enters hurriedly, and, with many apologies, states that Whalley with some Jesuit friends, and Kenealy with
the Magna Charta prospectus and a bundle of begging letters, demand instant admission and the release of the Claimant.
"Demand, do they !" says Ftn ; "by my halidame, they have reckoned without their host, and must e'ea pay for their contempt of
Court!" And as he speaks a midnight blackness plays about his majestic brow, and the forked lightning gleams from his angry eyes.
Brandishing aloft the book which bars his name, and of which none bat himself can pull the string, he is gone, and soon moans and
gnashing of teeth, mixed with promises never to do so any more, are heard from the outside. In a few moments a deadly stillness succeeds
the clamour, and the crowned andhalf-crowned heads are aware that all is over.
But not with the step of the Avenger does Fun re-enter. No, he is once again calm and placid; and as the band strikes up a hornpipe
and the red fire illumes the place, he arranges himself in his seat, and presents to the best boy in the whole school, the bravest and most
beautiful-Master John Bull-his award of merit. It is
life ViYat'g-fir5t eduuumofdtire 5erutrb'm ede LitAhm.
AUasrPu the Prodigal, 56
Ash Wednesday, 78
Augspur's Anticipations, 125
Addenda to Little Johnny's Essays in
Natural History, 157,166,177,198, 207
About "Interviewing," ISO
Art and Nature, 185
Antwerp Analysed, 205
Augspur on the Epsom Situation, 219
All on the Downs, 230
Army Reform, 244
Answers to Queries Received, 260
Actor's Vade-Ilecum (The), 259
BEcJAMIN's Baits, 46
Bells of Saint Martin's (The), 55
Boy that Went to Seek his Fortune
(The), 85, 94, 105
Boat-Race and other Matters (The), 98
Bonnie Wee Crab IThe), 103
Big Thing and a Biggar (A), 198
Boyish Remembrance (A), 231
Barghash Bothered, 261
CANNIBAL Kid (The), 41
Credit to Society (A), 96
Civil Service Journalist (The), 99
Concerning Girls, 140
Censor (The), 156
Channel Trip (A), 172
Coming Derby and its Difficulties, 215
Cutting-up Rough, 231
Continental Question (The), 232
Calcitration Transfer System (The), 263
DEPARTED Pets (The), 95
Discontented Duke (That 151
Derby of the Future i [ .-, -
Double Acrostics, 14, 22, 25, 41, 45, 61,
73, 77, 94, 104
Dots and Lines, 11, 15, 33, 42, 54, 55, 76,
79, 90, 104, 110, 125, 13S, 147, 155,
159, 171, 187, 189, 201, 212, 230, 238,
248, 254, 268
FIRST Night at the Play (A), 58
Fun's Valentines for Great Men, 66
Fun's Committee on Foreign Loaners,
GREAT Match against Time (The), 7
Good for Nothing, 141
HErnoIrs of Blissett Bamberger (The), 6
Hannibal Lee, 88
His Worship; or, Justice with the Chill
Holiday Question (A), 257
Harmonious Numbers, 251
Here, There, and Everywhere, 24, 25, 35,
51, 103, 113, 117, 136, 139, 150, 169, 195,
199, 229, 243, 257, 261
"IT'S His Wife! or, the Humane
Person who was Precipitate, 12
Impending Bottles (The), 33
International Difficulty (An), 216
Improving the Occasion, 220
Ink-Coherent Story (An), 227
In Search of War, 242
JoiiNN on Skates, 17
Jerriwade's (Mr.) Christmas Party, 23
Joe Brown the Ostler, 51
Johnny on Valentines, 68
Johnny on the Male Nobility, 115
Johnny on Boat-Racing, 125
Johnny's Father on the Political Situa-
Jabez and Josiah, 146
LITTLE Johnny on Kings, 26
Little Johnny on Soldiering, 43
Law Intelligence, 47
Little Johnny on Babies, 53
Love Chase (A), 145
Love at Cards, 149
Lionet (A), 252
MAX who tas Shakespeare (The), 21
More Suggestions," 27 1 -
Mv Trusted Friend, 45
Melchisedeck Mendoza's Mendacity, 129
Matter of Taste (A), 129
"Merchant of Venice" (The), 181
My Pretty Spring Snails, 185
My Castle in Spain, 195
Metropolitan Advices, 217
Model Associations,. 218
Miraculous Guest (The), 227
Mock Modesty, 268
NEw Year (The), 12
OLD Dobbin, 17
Old Gentleman who gave Himself Heirs
Our Chairman's Memorial, 93
Opening of the Season (The), 109
Oxford and Cambridge Crews (The), 120
Oshwateega Brown, 233
Our London Correspondence, 259
POT Boilers, 53
Plea from the Gold Coast (A), 84
Pontifex McCannister M.P., 108
Patriot's Gratulation(The), 110
Police and the Public (The), 130
Physiology of Authorship (The), 141
Peter and William, 170
Petticoat Logic, 177
Poet and the Demagogue (The), 191
Pictures not in the Royal Academy, 233
Paper Knife and Pen, 14, 22, 31, 37, 73,
83, 89, 107, 131, 149. 160, 197, 241, 267
Pouring with Rain, 261
Policeman's Tale OThe', 262
RACE to Come (A), 127
Rare Landladies, 128
Real Refuges Required, 135
Rival Managers (The), 165
Retribution: A Spqael, 178
Royal Academy Exhibition (The), 190,
Representative,Inquest (A), 247
SoGos of the Profession, (1), 7; (2), 23;
(3), 27; (4), 37; (5), 47; (6), 57; (7),
75; (8), 79; (9), 89; (10), 99; (11),
109; (12), 131; (13), 147; (14), 151;
(15), 167; (16), 175 ; (17), 187; (18),
201 ; (19), 217 ; (20), 219; (21), 239;
(22), 243 ; (23), 253, 263
Saint and the Sinner (The), 11
Stolen Leaves from Little Johnny's
Smoke-Room Thoughts, 159
Some Sporting Notions, 161
Spring in Town, 165
Song of the Amateur, 215
Storm and Sunshine, 249
Sir Simon De Smijthe, 250
Some Magazines Jor June, 251
TomxY Tucker's Truthless Tale, 32
Talisman (The), 57
True Story of Valentine and Orson
Truer Story of Valentine and Orson (1),
To a Conceited Monkey, 83
Two Thousand and other Guineas (The),
Tea Toper (The), 185
Tom Topsyturvey, 211
UNx:IAPpY Medium (An), 105
Unconvieted Sceptics (The), 145
Useful Knowledge, 228
VAMPIRE'S Victim (The), 186
Vision of Old Boots (A), 205
Very Old Acquaintances, 206
Victim of Originality (The), 237
WEEPING Widow (The), 36
Wicked Publisher (The), 61
War at Last, 252
AnT of Drawing (The), 107
At the Boat-Race.-On the Art of Im-
proving the Occasion, 126
According to Circumstances, 195
Arch versus Affable, 238
Bandying Words, 77
Big Thing in Statues (A), 80
"Blue Ruin I 94
Bull Beef, 113
Boat-Race Fragments, 119
Backwards or Forwards ? 159
Boots v. Bqirnies, 165
Beer and Forbeer, 169
Civis Romanus," 22
Child is Father to the Man (The)," 24
Cool, very! 244
Domus et Placens Uxor," 54
Doubtful Compliment (A), 158
Distinction with a Difference; (A), 168,
Episodes in the Lives of Obscure
Individuals, 182, 212
FOURTEENTH (The), 67
Fat-uous Fool (The), 127
Fragment (A), 172
Fun's Derby Hieroglyphic; or Clear
and Comprehensive Typ Typical, 221
GREGORY Guzzle's (Mr.) Christmas
HARD to See-A Bird'seye View, 35
Ho'e of the Difference (The), 118
Horrible Profanity, 220
IMiPECUNIOUS Jocularity, 11
Illogical De-duck-tion (An), 48
In the Wrong Box, 96
Ingenuously Ingenious, 139
Irish Excuse (An), 198
Insult as Well as Injury, 218
KiNo Winter out of his Element, 28
Loua-Felt Want (A)," 76
"Little Pitchers "-At the Winter Ex-
Light as Air, 1C6
Latest Abortion! (The). 142
La Chasse on Le Continong, 162
May Brotherly Love Continue 117
More Portraits by our Provincial Corre-
" No LESSE Oblige," 14
"Notr, Yet," 45
No Pleasure Unalloyed, 55
" Not To-day, Baker," 146
No Matter, 205
" None so Daft," 2G8
Ox the Scent, 73
Only Child's Play, 90
Our Grandmotherly M.P.'s Nightmare,
Our Grandmotherly M.P. and the
Our M.P. in a Fright, 176
Only Too True, 196
Our Unreformed Corporation," 241
Poetry and Practice, 84
Proverbial Philosophy, 41
Pudding Time is Precious Time, 104
Practice makes Perfect, 116
Party Feeling, 148
Poetry and Prose, 230
"Price-Less Gems," 240
QUOTATIONS from Unknown Authors,
RECOLLECTIovx of the Royal Academy,
(No. 1) 192, (No. 2) 202, (No. 3) 234
SECoND-Hand Scholar (A), 18
Spread of Education (The), 31
Speciality (A), 61
Story of a Great Moralist (The), 62
Something Like a Sceptic, 86
St. Dunstan and the Evil One, 87
Smoking Her, 129
Scotch Whisky, 152
Stout and Bitter, 186
So-so "Comparative Anatomy," 188
Stranger Discovered (A) 206
Something Like Pluck, 247
Sweet Lady Flora, 2t8
Straight to his Feelings, 250
So Young, too," 260
Singleton's Sorrow, 261
Stiggins Again, 267
TEcPus Edax," 64
Tale of an Insulting Valentine, (A), 6,,
Tale of the Turf (A), 189
True Condescension, 208
'Tis Distance Lends, 216
Tale of a Hamper (A), 228
USEFUL Grandmotherly. Government, 42
Unpleasant Subject (An), 97
Unpleasant Reminder (An), 5
Unselfish Reasons, 229
VERY Much Mock, 66
Very Common Conversation, 254
Woon or Asphalto, 110
Winter Sports, 128
Work and Wait," 188
Well-Earned Rest, 178
Woman's Work "MA), 179
Well Me-aning, but Misunderstood, 231
AT Home and Abroad, 39
Arctic Disturbance (An), 235
Disgraceful Foreign-Loan Ogre (The).
Fun's Valentine to Miss Dizzy, the
Pretty Premi6re, 70
Force of Example (The), 91
Fleet of the Future (The), 173
Female Suffrage, Male Suffering, 245
Good Idea worth Carrying Out (A), 163
Hamlet the Irvingite, 38
Lock Out v. Lock Up or, Justice in Her
Move on; or, The Right Motion at
Merry Miner (The), 203
Magic Mirror (The)-The Master that is
to be, 255
Old Man of the Q.C. (The), 101
Obstruction to Progress (An)-Cheek
and Abuse against Influence and
Our Water Supply, 193
On the Road Downwards, 226
Playfair's Notion of Fairplay, 81
Pair of Conservative Duffers (A), 131
Royal Extinguisher (A), 29
Real Reprisal (A), 59
Santa Britannia's New-Year Gifts, 9
Sad Catastrophe (A), 19
Unpleasant Contrast (An), 49
Wife-Kicker's Conversazione, 132
Wholesome if Distasteful, 143
Well-Merited Penance (A), 213
White Slaves or Black, 21j5
ANOTrHE volume-write it down demurely ;
Another volume-yet another year:
Fun's Second Series opens all maturely;
We're Twenty-one-at least that age is near.
Yes, Twenty-one we've neared with our New Series,
To nothing say of that which went before ;
And in reply to many friendly queries
We mean to live for ever-p'rhaps for more.
We mean to keep on smiting hard the scoffers
.'- Who've ne'er a thought beyond the thought of self,
`"a o notion but the notion of full coffers,
No dreams but dreams in which they're gorged with pelf.
We mean to try and do all things in season-
That is, as far as our extent will go-
To back up right and say a word for reason:
To be a staunch friend, quite as staunch a foe.
We'll try and suit ourselves to every station;
We'll try quite hard, as anyone may see
By looking at our artist's illustration ;
We'll even venture on the far Fejee.
The Fejees form our newest annexation.
Good friends we'll find there !" says the genial Fun.
So now we offer for their acceptation
Our foremost number, Volume Twenty-one.
But while we think of those across the ocean,
And send our artist far away to roam;
Let no one have the very faintest notion
That we'll forget the friends who stay at home.
Leading, but not Led.
SHOCKING inhumanity is reported from one of our chief seats of
earning. We are told on excellent authority that Mr. C. D. Shafto,
who was expected to be, the leading member of Cambridge next year,
fell on the kerbstone between Jesus and Trinity Colleges, and now lies
in a precarious state." The future leading member of Cambridge-
whatever that may be-might for humanity's sake have been led home.
This is the result of over-educating the people.
A YOUNG lady who is engaged to a stockbroker calls him her stock
and chJer ami. That girl ought never to have a vote.
WHEN is a tradesman's label like a foreign statesman ?-When it's
THE VANISHED GEMS.
A RAILWAY ROMANCE.
THEY were gone!
A moment before the maid assured me she had them under her feet
on the platform of Bustleton Station. They were enclosed in a tin-
lined packing-case, ten feet square-X100,000 worth of gems, the pro-
perty of my wife! Twenty people were standing near the spot, and
not one of them had seen the case go.
I flashed, the news of my loss far and near, and offered 10,000
reward and no questions asked. No one pitied me, everybody bullied
me-especially my wife.
The authorities threatened to have me up for attempting to com-
pound a felony. The big newspapers called me careless, and the little
papers wrote sensation leaders about me by the dozen, and called my
loss a fleabite.
Years passed on. One summer's night, standing in Seven Dials, out-
side the door of a valued friend, I felt a slight tug at my coat-tail. I
turned, and found myself face to fa.e with an elderly gentleman of
foreign appearance. Sir," he exclaimed, years ago you lost a case
of jewels ?" "I did," 1 answered, eagerly; "do you know where
they are ? "I do-follow me." He led me through street after
street until we reached a railway station. I recognized it. It was
the scene of my loss.
Look at that," exclaimed my guide, pointing to a huge packing
case ten feet square; "do you recognize it ?"' Did I recognize it ? I
should think I did. It was the long-lost case There it had stood for
ten years in a corner, and no one had touched it. France, Holland, and
Belgium had been searched, but the missing package had never left
the platform. I gave my guide a thousand pounds, rushed home to
my delighted spouse with the jewels, and lived happy ever afterwards.
I may add that I have acquired experience, and now never trust more
than 20,000 with a youthful domestic.
[If our readers doubt the veracity of this narrative, let them refer
to the daily journals of December 15th, 1874. They will find the story
of a 20 note lost and found on Waterloo Bridge under still more extra-
ordinary circumstances. Besides, our own story happened to ourselves.]
A WINTER SONG.
(After Tennyson-and several sixes hot.)
THE white snow falls on garden walls,
And road and pavement, hard and hoary.
The cold blast nips ears, nose, and lips,
And Doctor Dosem's in his glory.
Blow Nor'-East, blow, and set the whole world sneezing :
Blow Nor'-East, harshly howling-" Freezing! Freezing Freezing! "
Oh hark! oh hear! how loud and clear,
And louder, clearer, growls are growing
Through all the town; from Prince to Clown,
You set their nasal organs blowing.
Blow Nor'-East; hark! I hear the people sneezing:
Blow Nor'-East, harshly howling-" Freezing! Freezing! Freezing !"
Alack!" they cry, with blinking eye,
As warmth they seek with vain endeavour,
And murmurs roll, as winter's toll
They pay, and cough and sneeze for ever.
Blow Nor'-East, blow and set the whole world sneezing,
And answer, harshly howling-" Freezing Freezing Freezing !"
6 FUN [JAN-dAn 2, 1875.
.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Dec. 30, 1874.
A WORD IN SEASON.
THE New Year's soon come round again-let's welcome Seventy-five.
Let's thankful be we're here to see his natal day arrive;
And while we think of pleasures past, and bless our happy lot,
Don't let us shirk our New Year's work-forget the poor we'll not.
On New Year's Day let's give away
Whatever we can spare;
It mayn't be much, but yet it's such
As poverty may wear.
The New Year's time's a jolly time to those who're warmly clad;
To those so cold, who're far from bold, it's anything but glad.
But if the rich would only weed from out their wardrobes' wealth
The waifs and strays, wouldd merit praise, and give the poor man health.
So let us give, while yet we live,
And never once say nay.
The chance may not be always got-
"So runs the world away."
THE most recent action of the Lord Chamberlain is very suggestive
of the oft-repeated official performance of locking the stable when the
steed has been stolen. For a considerable time the play-going public had
to bear certain very palpable inflictions, and so long as the public was
content to submit quietly the licenser of plays and the keeper of the
managers' consciences were quite satisfied that things were as they
should be or near enough to make no matter. But at last a stir
was made; the audience at one theatre showed itself quite demon-
strative with regard to the indecency- or, strictly speaking, to the
indecent idiotcy-of certain so-called actresses; and various other
signs of the times made it manifest that a healthier tone was im-
perative in things theatrical. A desire was shown for ability; play-
goers no longer demanded legs in preference to legitimacy, nor
clamoured for can-cans while deriding comedies; and matters which
had been wrong for a very considerable period were slowly but cer-
tainly righting themselves. Finding that the people were about to
settle the matter entirely by themselves, the Lord Chamberlain issued
a manifesto quite endorsing the popular view, and showed that he
was not to be left so far behind after all.
THE HEROISM OF BLISSETT BAMBERGER.
FAn away from the roar and riot of the mighty metropolis dwelt
Blissett Bamberger. Where the verdant valley lies like a sleek and
slothful hound at the foot of the great green hill its lord-where the
golden ranunculus and the yellow flower of the genus primula lift
scented lips to kiss the heels of travelling kine-there had fate fixed
his modest dwelling. He was a country lad. Humble was his origin,
lowly his occupation, but noble his aspiration, and glorious the goal
that gleamed like a scintillant star through the haze of his years to
Once, while driving the four-footed companions of his solitude home
to the guardian fold, he plucked from the berried hedgerow a sheet of
news flung thither by the contemptuous wind. 'Twas a printed record
of a great and glorious deed, and told how up in the great town-world
a gallant youth had leapt from a bridge into the torrent beneath and
savd a human life. That night Bamberger drank not, neither did he
sup. Fancy spread her radiant pinions, clasped him in her arms, and
bore him far away. He stood upon the bridge, he sprang, he seized,
he saved! Then the murmur of myriad voices buzzing his name
soothed the excited brain, and, muttering Johnson," he fell asleep.
When he rose up on the morrow, Hope had written Finis to one
chapter of his life. E'er the mid-day sun had fairly settled down to
its daily tasr of blistering the panel upon his cottage door he was on
the road to London, prepared to do or die ; to be a hero or-perish in
the attempt. He had one purpose in view, and not all the distractions
of the 19th century Babylon made him swerve from the path the axe
of determination had hewn for him through the-rock of futurity. Let
us follow him.
Day after day he stood upon London-bridge, stripped to the shirt,
and ready for the daring leap. Once an old gentleman expressed his
intention of committing suicide, and mounted the parapet. In a
moment Bamberger was in the river waiting for him. But the old
gentleman altered his mind and didn't come. The police did, and
took our hero into custody, from which he emerged upon payment of
forty shillings and costs. He abandoned the Thames and took to
boating upon the Lea on Sunday. He rescued fourteen males and ten
females in three weeks; but the moment they were safe on shore they
charged him with wilfully upsetting them, and instead of giving his
name to the reporters he had to flee from the wrath of the boat-
owners. He attended every fire within twelve miles of London. At
the peril of his life he mounted ladders and brought women and babes
from garret windows. But when he reached the ground .the firemen
"cussed his impidence," and the police ordered him to move on."
Never a line in the newspaper came to fill his soul with gladness.
At last the tide turned. One day a friendly crossing-sweeper gave
him a Sunday ticket for the Zoo." And putting on his oldest coat, in
order not to appear conspicuous, thither one Sabbath afternoon he
repaired. The company was rough and noisy, and the country-bred
youth stole away to the solitude of the den of the pachydermata, there
to contemplate the habits of the thick-skinned mammalia and eat a
currant bun in peace. The rhinoceros was hungry that afternoon,
and glared first at Bamberger and then at the bun. Not a soul was
near. Slowly the seven tons of solid flesh advanced to the bars, its
evil, bloodshot eye glittering greedily. In a moment the currant bun
was between its narrow jaws. Then did the valorous soul of Blissett
Bamberger emit the pent-up fury of its flame. Arming himself with
a long straw, he proceeded to tickle the animal's eye. The animal
gave a short Judic-like laugh and dropped the bun. With the energy
bred of despair, our hero thrust in his walking-stick and drew the
rescued morsel towards him, wiped it, put it in his pocket, and walked
He knew not that he had been observed. On the following morning
London was ringing with The Heroism of Blissett Bam'berger."
The biggest words in the English language were employed to sing
the praises of a man who had, single handed, rescued a Mr. Bunn from
the jaws of a mad rhinoceros. He had only been identified by a
handkerchief dropped in the scuffle. He was compared to Hercules,
and Antinous, and Guy Livingstone, and all the heroes of the past, the
present, and the future. He read the article, he accepted the
sovereigns sent to the newspaper offices for him, and he retired to
rest a wiser and a sadder man. He had perilled his life over and over
again, and virtue had been its own reward. He had done deeds of
bravery by the score, and the world had passed them over with silent
contempt. But he had tickled a rhinoceros in the eye with a straw
and he found himself a hero.
Blissett Bamberger availed himself of the first cheap excursion and
returned to his native obscurity before the bubble of his reputation
burst. But his fame followed him, and he who had loved heroism for
itself, and sought it in its noblest aspects, found his name linked with
a newspaper lie, and his bravery a scornful synonym for a gross
exaggeration. Alas, poor Blissett Bamberger! the Press was thy
undoing and the making of the fiend who covered thee with shame.
JANUARY 2, 1875.]
SONGS OF THE PROEE.8S.IQNS.
SI.-THE DRAMATIST OF ZRENCE..
.AsFrance's city darkly lay
,. Athwart the mist-empurpled-west,
;.-A-dramatist evolved a,play
Of all-absorbing interest.
And,. weetly-,smiling,-,worked it .out
Jntflfty scenes, or thereabout.
nd :when the duskly blending day,
.- .Sad-pillowed sank in vesper-chimes,
,The managers declared the play
iTheifmnest thing of modern times.
And in the gloaming's hazy sheen,
That little manuscript was sent
To those who had expressly been
Appointed by the Government
To read the plays, and use their wits,
Eliminating little bits.
-So trilling sweetly with the lark-Tral-lal-la!
I beg to offer this remark:
I'd rather rove the World's expanse
Than be a dramatist of France !-Tral-lal-la!
The hero's, part was plainly, meant
(These censors said), beyond doubt,
To ridicule the President;
And so they cut-the hero out.
And then a certainPrince complained
The thirty-second .scene contained
The mention of a. German Band
Insulting.to the Fatherland !
Then Papal Emissaries rose
And sternlypointed out the fact,
That some one with a Roman nose
Was mentioned in the seventh act;
A hint, they couldn't but agree,
Reflecting on the Papal See ;
And so beneath the twilight grey,
They cut the seventh act away.
Aud hear the gaily-soaring lark-Tral-lal-la!
Corroborating my remark,
That he is led a pretty dance
Who is a Dramatist of France!-Tral-lal-la!
When ev'ry European State
Had hastened to eliminate,
The lessee found, with inward smart,
They'd only left a super's part.
He put that part upon the stage
Amid the tempest's wild rebuff,
And ev'ry one was in a rage,
And said the piece was awful stuff.
The author heard them howl and hiss,
And murmured sadly, How is this ?"
(F.or he was at. a loss to guess
The reason of his non-success) ;
And in the twilight grey and drear,
Whose passing shadows fade and flit,
He put some-poison in his.beer,
And went away and. swallowed it.
No longer: trills the joyous lark-Tral-lal-la !
But onlyV~lnWaqshs remark:
ILwouldn't, if I'd-got,the chance,
Become a Dramatist of France!"
THE GUEATXIATCOH _AGAINST TIME.
,rBY Q S;SPECIAL, COMMISSIONER.
I HAD oft--O heard of Lillie Bridge, and seeing a notice that, ight
miles were to be walked in one hour, I determined to go and: see it
done. After making up my mind, I went out. for a trial just, toknow
what theperformance was like, but only succeeded.in. covering seven
miles in the given time, though for convenience sake I had timed
myself on the Underground Railway. This made me think the
matter was more serious than it had at first appeared, and so I bought a
copy of the Penny Training," which, though it enlightened me
much on various other subjects, didn't do a great deal .towards
elucidatingthe query, How shall I invest my half-crown ? 'Whenever
I go to a running ground 1 always, take a half-crown with me, and try
to invest it on the winner-that'.is, I did on this occasion, and. as I
had never been in a running; ground before, always is not ao.very wide
of the mark after all. I.iwasia ong.time, finding the place out,as the
District Railway seemed,,ondthat particular day to travel in. every
direction but the one I snted-,:ut at last I. got to West.Brompton,
which is very close to :illierld44ge. Indeed I'm not sure but what
West Brompton isiLillierBridge; but that I am not prepared to enter
into just now. All I. can, say, is that before I knew I was at one
place I found myself inithe. other, and there was a shilling out of
my half-crown gone: for, gate-money, as I might say, "in one
A shilling all at once is a good deal more than I am in the habit, of
,spending, and I thought I'd..hve the .value of. my money if it .was
only in an inspection, of the course. But there was a kind of
deputy-assistant dairyman, of the clodhopping character, at the gate,
who wanted another shilling, so I buttoned up my pockets and went
into the grand stand. I don t know why it's called the grand stand-
I never saw anything in my life with less grandeur about it. Perha, s
that's the reason. Well, while I was wondering, a man came up to me
and says, "Do you want to take odds? You can have anything you
-like." I thought this an odd request, but the n,@A4r-a;eply was,
"Well, as it's rather cold, I'll havean Irish warm." Z.Everybody
laughed,, and by.,the time.I'd recovered from the jocalar ..ffiecion, I
found some one had ,walked& off with my eighteen-pence changenand
return ticket, a meerschaum pipe, half a cigar, and a screw. of birdseye,
.all of which I'd wrapped. in a new silk pocket handkerchief to.ke, p
'em safe. 1 had. them .only a, moment r.efere they were m.issd, ,but
the man,who took, them.was clean out of sight; and so "m bound, to
believe I afforded an opportunity,for the fastest piece of pedestrian:sm
shown that afternoon.
'Well, after a long time, during which I wished I'd stayed..-way,
-and spent my. half-crown, in something warmer, Perkins came.out,.aand
.was.atarted. on. his. journey. As he didn't fulfil his engagement I
need. not enter into a description of the,,walking, and shall, there-
fore content myself with remarking that it's a good deal easier not to
do eight miles in the hour than it is to spend a happy winter's, after-
noon at Lillie Bridge, with no money and no chance of getting any,
a cold in the head and no handkerchief, a burning thirst and the
cold shivers, a pair of champion chilblains and a ten-mile walk which
must be taken, and, to crown all, the knowledge that you might
have enjoyed yourself-oh, so much-somewhere else.
Proverbs for "Pros."
THE encore system is the thief of time.
A procession's nine p ints of the play.
Take care of the pit, and the stalls will take care of themselves.
Half price is better than no house.
A benefit at night's worth two in the morning.
The Severity of the Season.
A rANTOMIMIC clown has been detected with a palpable wheeze."
A MAN or LETTEns.-Admiral Rous.
WHAT OUR TAILOR LOOKs OUT FOR IN THE CITY ARTICLE."-
The Rates of Continuation(s).
8 F'UN. [JANuAR- 2, 1875.
MR. GREGORY GUZZLE'S CHRISTMAS GOOSE.
MR. G. goes to fetch his goose. Exit Mr. G. after a couple of hours, slightly elevated.
He meets a friend. ullo o' boy, 'ow 're you ."
They go in for a little of the gay and festive."
" Goo' ni' o' frien'." Confound sh don' like this-aha' be off."
Gets very much off through
being very much on.
THE MUFFIN-MAN. Fire v. Freedom.
A LYRIC OF THE LOWLY. A SCOTCH paragraph, relating to some fire-raising at Cupar Fife,
after stating the name of the offender and the nature of the offence,
TiitovGH the wet and the cold comes our Muffin-Man bold, concludes rather singularly. It savy, "by which about a ton of the
With his tinkering symbol of peace. material was burnt, and part of the house destroyed, and sent to prison
H ay his muddy old shadow increase! for thirty days." We sincerely trust the landlord didn't object.
ay his muddy old shadow increase! Anyhow, it is a singular way of insuring a residence from further
Bright visions arise, when his tray meets my eyes, annoyance, and to our roving tastes seems a remedy even worse than
Of the fireside ahd succulent pile. the disease.
In a season like this, oleaginous bliss
Is controlled but by thoughts of the bile. Lights I
Small poets may dote on the nightingale's note, THE BEST PLACE FOR THE CONSUMPTION OF MIDNIGHT OIL."-
On the organ's melodious swell; Lamp-eter College.
But mine be the boast, that what pleases me most
Is the sound of the Muffin-Man's bell. THE TIME AND TIDE THAT AWAITS US ALL.-Yule-tide.
_FUNI.-JANUARY 2, 1875.
SANTA BRITANNIA'S NEW-YEAR GIFTS.
A HINT TO THOSE WHO WOULD CONVERT THE SHAKERS.
JANUARY 2, 1875.]
WHILE mem'ry holds her present seat
I shan't forget the day,
When some relation indiscreet
First led me to the play.
The mimes were more than mortal men-
And, though of tender age,
I felt a longing even then
To know them off the stage.
I wondered if they walked about
In ordinary clothes.
I also entertained a doubt
If they could utter prose.
Or did the knights in coat of mail
Remorseless battle, tooth and nail,.
When meeting off the stage P
I thought the monarchs and the lords
Were awful folks to meet-
That all the fairies on the boards
Were fairies in the street.
I fell'devotedly in love
With peri, prince, and page.
I longed, all other things above,
To see them off the stage.
But now, alas! the kings and queens
Are. commonplace enough;
The fairies, when behind the scenes,
Talkivery silly stuff.
The heroes of my distant youth
No more my dreams :engage.
To tell 'the plain and sober truth,
I know.them off the stage.
Life's playeis made of little bits
Where all actlittle parts.
We grow theatrically yfits,
And natural by starts.
I often scribble verse and prose
Unworthy of a sage-
And yet I'm reckoned one by those
Who know me off the stage.
District Visitor :-" WELL, SMITHERS, HOW DID YOU SPEND OCHRISTMAS ?"
Smithers:-" DIDN'T SPEND IT. AIN'T SPENT ANYTHING FOR THESE THREE WEEXS, W V5
DOTS AND LINES.
ACTOR presented with an address." Being possessed of a name
he thereby gets a local habitation. = Lad of seventy-seven sent to
prison for kicking ditto of eighty-three. Boys will be boys, and kick-
ing is fashionable now. = Shelter for cabmen is the latest thing in
philanthropy. Protection for passengers will come later on. = The
Midland Railway Company are going to place warming pans in third-
class carriages. Fancy travelling as a third-class warming pan! =
Walking match against time. Pedestrian in the height of condition.
Time untrained. The latter won easily though. = Great pair-oared
match. Victory of the winners. Defeat of the losers. Immense
excitement. = Countess of Dudley's jewels still missing-" up to the
time of going to press." Thieves refuse to be treated like noblemen.
This is extremely confidential. = Admiral Rous has written another
letter. Once more at sea. = Bedford-square is to be replanted.
'Entirely new growth of railings, lamp-posts, and pumps. = Twenty-
seven thousand nine hundred and forty jokes made about the transit
of Venus. Taken with punch, twenty-six thousand one hundred and
one caused Christmas laughter. The rest to be preserved at the
British Museum for future occasions.. = Doncaster police describe a
man as "greatest blackguard and- greatest, coward" in the town.
Why not take him in the force ? The'force of nature can no further
go. = Liberty of the stage to be curtailed. Not to degenerate into
Lord Chamberlain's licence in future. = Great stoning of plums.
New form of Christmas martyrology.
THE SAINT AND THE SINNER.
MusE, let the praises loud be sung
Of one redoubted. William Bung,
Who fought a fight, and thrashed his foe--
The circumstances here I'll show.
Bung was a man of mind and nous,
Who kept a licensed public-house ;
And Pumpp his foe, whose namemwas Will,
Supported the.Permissive Bill.
Pump had a mission, on his mind
To turn to virtue sinners blind,
Who dared to think that spirits are
As bad at home as at a bar.
For Pump, a grocer was by trade,
And grocers' licences had made
For him of sterling coin a lump-
In fact he grew a wealthy Pump.
Bung's trade grew quickly less and less.
They slanged him in the temp'rance press;
They sent him circulars by scores,
And tried to turn him out of doors.
'Tis even said a Templar good
Six hours within his public stood,
Till he could neither walk nor speak,
And so came up before the beak-
Who asked him what was his excuse ?
He said, Your worship, what's the use
Of resolution, while unhung
Are such persuasive men as Bung ?"
Bung put these persecutions down
To Pump, his neighbour in the town,
And asked him, in a friendly way,
To pass with him a sober day.
Pump came of course, convinced at last
He held his prey in meshes fast,
And lectured Bung for many days
Upon the errors of his ways.
Pure water was the drink first placed,
As suited to a Templar's taste;
The second measure, though, brought in
Contained a modicum of gin.
Pump lectured on, and stronger grew
The might of each successive brew;
Till, lo at last, when finished quite,
The zealot got exceeding tight.
Then Bung's revenge began to act.
Quick from the house poor Pump was packed,
And, like his agent, by the beak
Was fined ten shillings, or a week.
[JANUARY 2, 1875.
"IT'S HIS WIFE I" OR, THE HUMANE PERSON WHO WAS PRECIPITATE.
Tins is not a homily in condemnation of the principle of domestic correction. It is a panegyric in praise of it.
I believe that the principle of any man's right to deal with his own family matters is immovably imbedded in the breasts of the whole
British Nation; and what is ineradicably rooted within the bosoms of the entire population of the United Kingdom is a great national
Great national characteristics are subjects for panegyric: this is a panegyric; but it is subtly veiled under the disguise of a dramatic
illustration of a great moral fact.
And it is in dumb show, because deeds speak more plainly than words.
Act I.-Music.-A gentleman is discovered correcting his better-
half with a big stick. A quiet person, evidently unaware of the
relationship existing between the parties, hovers at the back with an
expression as of indignation and disapproval: he gradually comes
down, as the air is played with increasing rapidity, and finally rushes
forward and strikes the married gentleman with his umbrella. A
crowd, which has meantime collected, applauds, and is about to chair
the quiet person, when the married gentleman points to a ring on the
finger of the lady, and then to himself. The crowd whisper four
words to one another, then shrink away in horror and alarm from the
quiet person, who appealingly indicates his former ignorance of the
A policeman enters, and is about to "run in the married gentle.
man, when the crowd whisper four words to him, and he shudderingly
arrests the quiet person, and bears him off amid popular loathing.
ACT II.-Music.-A court of justice. The quiet person, who is in
the dock, is evidently about to be discharged, when a whisper goes
the round of the court, and at length reaches the judge. A marriage
certificate is handed in by the wedded gentleman, and the quiet person
is dragged off to penal servitude for twenty-one years.
AcT II.--Music.-Enter the quiet person (with a ticket-of-leave),
married, much older, and utterly broken down. It is evident that the
haunting remembrance of his own rashness has preyed upon him
more than his punishment. His wife now enters, and he is about to
chastise her with his umbrella, when the married gentleman of the first
Act rushes down and interferes; the mild person, however, waving him
off, draws attention to the ring on the finger of his partner-for-life,
and the interferer shrinks abashed. A glad gleam of lawful triumph
gilds the features of the quiet person, who again raises his umbrella,
as the curtain falls.
THE NEW YEAR.
LITTLE JOHNNY to the fore again. He is struck with the power of
poetry, and resolves to become a poet. Forming his style upon a
questionable model he writes with unquestionable malevolence. Meets
with the usual fate of the slashing censor, but finds consolation where
he had least right to look for it, and returns to reason.
There is a lot of fellers which thinks their selfs offle clever, and they
rites in the papers a bout wet onederfle things have happen since the
las time it was the new year, and yude spose to read wot they rite,
that no thing had ever tuke place money jus that year. These fellers
they seem to be a stonish that any thing happens a tall. They tel us
ol the great fokes which has dide since las time, and you never see sech
a let, but wet bothers me is his how there is so many for to go on with,
my father he says the sply is in the next ostible, wot ever that means; I
spose he got it out of the news paper. Ide like to be grate, but not
die like ol them fellers, cos them sellers, cos then Ide give my mother lots of money, and
git me pl enty sweets, you ot to see wot piles of em me and Billy
got Crismas, but you cudent for they is et.
There was a little feller which hung up his stocking for Crismas, and
a other little feller, but not so little and a heap wickeder, which slep
with the other, he hung up hisn, but wotcht, and in the nite he saw
Santy Claws a coming down the chimmy, and lay real still to see wet
he wade do. So Santy take the boy that was a sleeps stocking, and he
field it fule of sweets, and he said that is cos he is a good little boy which
gose to sleep like he ot, but I aint got nothing good enuf for wicked
boys which wotches. But wen Santy had gon up the chimmy agin the
boy which hadden slep he got up and change l the sweets in to his own
stockin, and he said to his self I don't think it is a bad idee to wotch,
for some body mus do it to see fair play.
I have been tole thot wen the new year begins people which is wicked
ol nooks of, per tickler them that drinx and smoke more than is good
for their health. There was a man which kep a public house, and new:
years eve he had a duzzen of his bes customers a setting in the tap a
waiting to be paid their weeks wages, and he spoke a piece to em, the
man did. He said the flite of time had come roun again, a fetchin' a
long the rolein year with ol its hops and its aspirations, and he had
been a thinking wudden it be nice not to drink any more, but giv their
money to their poor wifes for their self and the little little childs. He
tole em he had been to hear a tea tottler which had shode him it was
pisen, and affer a wile he made the men bleev it, and they shuke
hands and made a othe to giv el the money they got to their wiles,
which they dun, and the man was so please hehe giv em some pisen for
nothing. Then the wifes, they come to the good pebble can and they
spent every penny which they had got for gin and beer, jus as he new
they wade, cos he was good looking, but the men wade may be go to a
other house. But it was oney for jus one week.
A other pubble can be kep .a tea tottler regler, which lectered to his
customers evening and was bar maid day times.
Las new years-day ole Gaffer Peters he come to our house, and he
said its funny to think this world was made jus 18 hunderd and
seventy 5 years ago this very day, wet a long time! And Uncle
Ned he said yes, it is so funny that you mus excuse us a laffin. But
weot was the joke is morn I no, cos it is a long wile wen you think of
Ole Gaffer he was to our house agin yesterday, and he see me a ritin
this, and he said Johnny, wy dent you rite worse? Uncle Ned he
spoke up and he said Johnny is a ritin jest as bad as ever he can, you
let him a lone for that. But Gaffer he said you no I didden say verse,
cos I want him to rite as vel as he can, wot I meant is poetry, wy don't
he go for a poet like my dotter Missis Doppy which rote the heppy taf
on little Jo Brily, the butchers boy? Then I said wude he say the
eppy taf to she me how, so he said if Ide be like ded he wade say it
over me like it was rote on the toobm stone. Uncle Ned he wunk his
ey like saying I mite, and I lay down on the flore, and ole Gaffer he
stude at my hed as if he was the stone, and was a bout to begin wen
Uncle Ned he said wait Gaffer, that stone aint got no deaths hod on it,
you wont do a tall. Cos Uncle Ned he thot it was a going too far, but
Gaffer he didden seem to under stand, and he put his arms down
state and his fees cloce to gather and begun:
Ere lise the boddy of hour little Jo,
The orse running a vay it him did thro,
Fisitions was in wain;
And now he is gon, and we feels so bad
To think he was sech a nice little lad,
With heyes like his mother and a mowth like his dad,
But taint for bus to complane,
This umble stone to his memory we rase,
Aged fifteen years; one month, and hait days,
Percussion of the brane!
When Gaffer had got done Uncle Ned, which had his hancherkeef
in his mouth, and the teers a rolin down his cheeks, said it was very
affecktin, but he wude a thbt the stone was' older, but I was so sorry
to see Uncle Ned cri that I got up and cride too, and ole Gaffer he
blode his nose pretty offen too, I can tel you. I never knew what
poetry really was before, and lme agoin to tri to make some, cos fellers
is much lookt up to which can make fokes cri wen ever they likes, but
I think cryin aint halef so nice as a good game of foot bol.
New years day don't come but just once a year like Crismas and
Gy Fox day. If I was big Ide make a olmy kanack and I have
more Crismasses, yes in deed Ide stick em in every two or three weeks
and leave out el the Sundys, cos I jus hate to see Mary,'that's our
house made, a putting on sech close as she dose every Sandy, and a
thinking she is fine like pecox, wen she nose I oude lick her in a
minnit if I was let and it was a fair fite. Wy didden she let'me have
that lump of shugger las nite, that's wot Ide like to no, the sassy
little cat !
Once they was a house made which didden let a little boy eat shugger
out of the shugger bole, .cos she wanted it her own self, andjwile she
was a' eating it there was-a rat. And the raf it looked on a wile, and
it shuke its head like saying le teech you to'steel missuses shugger,
you nasty thing-! So -the rat it went to the ole she rat which was its
wife, and it saidBhad they got any of that pisen left which was put in
their holes lase-week,;and she said yes, he wde fine fine some under the
seller stairs wereshe had-pate it for the cat.. Then he tule some, the
rat did, and he put it in the shuger bole, and wen the house made she
et some she begin to dance like she was pull with a string, and pretty
sune she run to her missus a foenin at the mouth and she said Ive
come out of my hole to die! Beforewthe doctor cade be fecht she had
swel up like a barl.and' flew olto peeces! And that's wot will hapn
to our Mhary some day,. and'thanle rite her a eppy taff, so:
Here se the body ofe. burs M ory.
And it serves her mity' well rite; very,
Fisickers was in vain;
And now she is gon, and I feel so'gladi.
Cos she was sech a misable girl, and so offie bad,
With eys likecats eys; 'and a mouth like a shad.
But taint for useto complain;,
Thishummle. stone at ier memry I thro,.
Age I sposet a bout thhisame as-little 'Jol- g-r
Busted wit .rats bane!
MHoraye I bet wen I sho'thutto Uncle Ned he wil jest crne his
eyes outt,and then:he wil say Missu-.I)3ppy cant hole a cannle to me,
but I don't think she need hole a cannie, never, cos her head is red
Dear reader, I take my pen in hand to in form you I am wel at
present, and hopin these few lines wil fine you wel too, but not got a
lickin like me. Cos wen I shode that poetry a bout our Mary to
Uncle Ned he shuke his head and said I was a offie wicked little feller
to begin the new year with sech feelings toward any humin being, and
Mary was a gude girl, and wile he was a tockin and a holein the paper
in his han my father come in, and said wet was up, and Uncle Ned he
said 0 it was nothing but jus Johnny had made a gramaticle "errer
which he cuddent over luke. As Uncle Ned said that he :tride to hide
the paper in his pockit but my father he got it and red it, ol a bont
Gaffer Peters, and me a lyn on te a yn on the flore, and a bout Mary, and ol.
Wen he had got dun he said Edward, which is the per tickler:gramma-
tickle missake for which you wude like to have this puple ,of yourn
creckted ? Uncle Ned he blusht like Missy, and he said it was ol his
felt, and wude my father leave the punnishin to him ? Bet my father
he jus take me by the colder, and his little wip in the:other, and he
said Johnny do you no wy I am a going to give it you, and I said yes,
sir, please, its cos you aint a patron of literature, for that wos wet
Ide herd Uncle Ned say. That made him laf and he ony licked me a
little. But wen he had let me go Mary she come and 'kist me and
said she wisht she was my sister. I think that girl is jes the best girl
in this world, that's wet I think, and I all ways have said so.
THERE came a silence in the house-
A silence weirdly deep.
The stranger might have heard a mouse
Behind the arras creep.
With bated breath and solemn speech
We moved about and cried;-
Or murmured comfort each to each,
The day our tabby died.
'Twas in the dreary winter time
And snow concealed the ground.
Such weather, e'en in Britain's clime,
Is veryrarely found.
But though the storm by fits and starts
Was raging far and wide,
A fiercer tempest filled our hearts
The day our tabby died.
JANUAIY 2, 1875.]
[JANUARY 2, 1875.
Snobkins (who loves a real live lord) :-" GoOD MORNIN', MY LORD; 'OPE
YOUR LORDSHIP ENJOYED OUR LITTLE BIT 0' DINNER THE OTHER DAY. WE
OPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOON."
Lord Dinout:-"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, VERY MUCH; BUT-AH- QUITE
FORGET YOUR NAMES, AND IN BOOKING MY ENGAGEMENTS I LIKE TO KNOW TO
WHOM I AM ENGAGED."
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
The Day after the Holidays (W. P. Nimmo) is the rather seasonable
title of a book evidently intended for the delectation of school-
boys. So much injurious trash is published now-a-days, and pur-
chased eagerly by boys of all ages, that we are glad to recommend
this book as both healthy and amusing. The illustrations are by
" Phiz, junior," who possesses a good deal of the latter-day mannerism
of his father.
Seagull Bock (Sampson Low, Son, and Co.) is a pretty little shilling
book, evidently intended "for a good boy." It is translated from the
French of Jules Sandeau, and is well stocked with the extraordinary
illustrations of the original edition.
Piper's Poultry Yard Account Book (Groombridge) will be found
useful to all who keep poultry, or who wish to know how to keep them
The City Diary (Collingridge) is once 'more to hand. It is an
Ifhitier's Almanack is quite up to the standard which made its
production a few ears back a public boon. It is one of the finest
specimens of condensation ever seen.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 405.
WE always look down on your Christmas frivolity,
Gazing supinely on frolic and fun ;
Ever we add to your laughter and jollity-
Ever we mourn when the festival's done.
1. The monarch leads his peerless bride along,
And tuneful choirs break into joyous song.
2. Too proud was she, and she was very fair.
Ah fatal pride and fatal beauty!
,'Twas loveliness that spread for her a snare-
Her pride did blind her to her duty.
3. He gazed, desponding, in the dying fire,
With bitter musing on his wasted life;
Prayed that he might as peacefully expire,
And live his dying hours thus free from strife.
4. She sits by the river and dreams of the past,
And sighs, as she thinks that no pleasure can
5. When smouldering Christmas log is burning low
With flame unfrequent and with ruddy glow-
Then tales of me are told.
6. Wherever a gay Christmas party is held,
My company's always requested;
I'm asked-and the hubbub is instantly quelled-
At my answer much mirth's manifested.
7. Quoth my stern tryant:-"No more grace I'll
This work accomplish if you wish to live "
8. His argument was plain enough for any man to see,
With me he brought his fist down : then he muttered
Q. E. D.
9. The bird stood on the leafy breeze
Whence all but one remained,
And rowed ashore with trunkless trees
Till music was distrained.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 403.-Arctic Voyage :
Azov, Renegado, Colley, Tamora, Iceberg, Cease. None
A FINE DAY.-Monday at Bow-street.
For ingenuity in the way of making up parcels of niceness com-
mend us to M. Eugene Rimmel. His Christmas and New Year's cards
and sachets are pleasing to both sight and smell, while his plans for
concealing and disguising minute scent-bottles in most unsuspicious-
looking small parcels are marvellous, and well deserve the reward
they are sure to obtain.
LITTLE Georgie shirked his spelling lessons at W. He feared that
he might come to Want.
WATCH AND WARD.-Earl Dudley and his chronometer.
Now Ready, the Twenty-seventh Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The TWENTIETH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
FOR BREAKFAST. ..- TTV
,jX. -' "' 'FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phanix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dectors' Commons, and Pabhshed (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, Jan. 2, 1875.
JA' UAIY 9), 1875.]
GIVE AND TAKE.
THE older I begin to grow
The more I'm driven to confess,
That nothing in our world below,
Is done in pure unselfishness.
One fact is clear to me, as day-
Which cost me pretty long to learn-
Whoe'er gives anything away,
Looks out for something in return.
Should Nature happen to be kind,
And grant our universe a boon, .
With little seeking we shall find
The reason of her bounty soon.
She makes a poet now and then;
But she insists, unless I err,
That he-above all other men-
Shall madly fall in love with her.
Men talk of Love (and women too),
But man or woman cannot say
That ever Love, however true,
Entirely gave itself away.
Was Friendship e'er of profit clear,
Or Virtue all its own reward ?-
Is one high feeling cherished here
Without a little balance scored ?
RANK AND FILE.
SOME years ago, no matter when-
Suffice it I was young and green,
I envied all distinguished men,
And wished to be the greatest seen.
I'd brave the batteries of life,
And win a laurel for my brow;
For love alone I'd wed a wife.
But, ah! all that is altered now.
As time passed on, and troubles came,
To mar the idle dreams of youth,
I won my bread, but not my fame ;
And took a wife-for help, forsooth!
But since I learnt my special sphere-
I owe such knowledge many thanks-
I've made a hundred pounds a year,
And rest contented in the ranks.
Smith (whoe has just perpetrated an atrocious pun) :-" I SAY, BROWN,
THAT'S NOT BAD FOR ME, IS IT ? BEFORE YOUR TIME, OLD MAN, EH ?"
Brown:-" A LOiG WHILE BEFORE-ABOUT THE YEAR 1; BEFORE JOKES
DOTS AND LINES.
PURCHASE of cots and mattresses for London School Board. Going
to start a padded room for their meetings. A rattle or two and some
pap suggested. = First breach of promise case ever known in Nova
Scotia. The New Scotch are as cautious and as canny as their elder
brethren. = Fall of market hall at Angers because of fall of snow.
Jealousies as well as Angers. = Death of an old lady of over 100 years.
Confound it! that's the Eixth time she's done so lately. = Countess
of Dudley's jewels not worth so very much after all. "Why it's
a regular swindle on the public-that's what it is = Two murderers
hanged. Home Secretary unusually Cross, and not in a reprieving
mood. Dreadful grief of merciful M.P.s, and sorrowing satellites. =
Lieutenant Cameron has written a long letter about the Congo. This
river runs tea ready made and sweetened to taste, and the thin
bread-and-butter tree grows on its banks. = Unexpected discharge of
Kullman's pistol. Continued confinement of Kullman. = More clubs
and rumours of clubs. The Confederated Criminals will publish their
committee shortly. No entrance fee for the first five million members.
= Conviction of a farmer for cruelty to animals. Not a baby-farmer
either. = Continuation of La Plata controversy. Lots of marvellously
good sailors-on paper and dry land. = Prince Bismarck's tendered
resignation unaccepted. The Kaiser does not bind himself to accept
the lowest or any tender." = Murder of an American editor. Mur-
derer's way of arguing in favour of negro suffrage. Powerful,
certainly. Unanswerable, very. = Official notice published as to
distribution of erant to Ashantee troops. A whole month's pay and
no questions asked, a leather medal, and an order on the doctor. =
Appeal from the Public Prosecutor in reference to the Arnim decision.
Why doesn't Jack Ketch appeal when he doesn't get enough hang-
ing matches ? = Empress of Russia about to proceed to St. Peter'burg.
This must be like sending coals to Newcastle. = Further eviction of
Shakers. Alas, for the rarity of Christian Charity under the sun."
= Weather hard. Believing officers ditto. = End of the year. Com-
mencement of another. Further supply always ready. = Extraordi-
nary pedestrian performance of Father Time. Went right on and never
stopped for "rest or refreshment." Summaries of 1874 nearly all con-
taining errors of omission or commission. No matter, only the writers
and printers read them. = Prince Alphonso proclaimed King of Spain.
Don Ciesar de Bazan not proclaimed, so far. Fresh proclamations
impending. = More railway accidents. That's not the worst of it.
There are more to come. = Reconstruction of the Roman Catholic
peerage. A consequence of the reconstruction of the religion.
A VISION OF THE FUTURE.
BENEATH her husband's knee she bent,
And felt his clutch her throat enfold ;
Then for her straight the ruffian went,
And kicked her till her blood ran cold.
If he had lived a hundred years-
A hundred years ago from this-
He would not hear the words he hears-
Our speedy justice he might miss.
"Unhappy prisoner at the bar,
Far better you had ne'er been born ;
Yea, sudden death is gentler far
Than convict life from night to morn."
And on him many a scathing scourge
(In powerful hands) have made their mark,
While hour by hour the warder's urge
Him on from daylight unto dark.
THE BEST POLICY.-Life Insurance.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 6, 1875.
GOLD v. GOODNESS.
THE root of all evil, we've often been told,
Is a substance which makes the most cowardly bold;
The bravest feel braver when plenty they hold.
Ah! few would decline it if nations were polled.
Gold! gold! yes, the watchword is gold;
Under its banner we all are enrolled;
It makes a warm heart become rapidly cold-
Has severed true friendship, and friends bought and sold.
This root of all evil has manifold ways
Of showing itself to the popular gaze :
Like shew'r on Danad it oftentimes plays,
Yet in cheque-form the sunbeam it scarcely outweighs.
Gold! gold! is the stuff to amaze,
Who has it can scutcheonss and pedigrees raise;
Who has it may ride with his harness ablaze;
He's sure to be envied-'tis money that pays.
This root of all evil can do all we've said,
And more, for its functions are very widespread;
But the richest of men may have yet cause to dread
The way he adopted to butter his bread.
Gold! gold! though so shining and red,
May yet cause a sinner to hang down his head.
If he meant to go right an&dthen wentrwrong instead,
Let him try Restitution, from A down to Z.
Oun holiday season has been by no means uneventful. The holly
and mistletoe, the roast beef and plum pudding, the punch and. the
snapdragon, and the Christmas and New Year's.fare generally, have
received rare garnishing. We have had a railway accident almost
unparalleled even in this age of wholesale slaughter and stupidity; a
colliery explosion to match; and before we have well supped on the
horrors spread out before us there comes the intelligence of a disaster
at sea sufficient for the veriest and most chattering of newsmongers.
There is something unusually dreadful in the fact of these three occur-
rences appearing almost simultaneously in.the newspapers at a period
set apart by all ages and conditions for festivity and enjoyment. It
is terrible indeed to think that scores who set out to spend their
holidays with friends and relatives were during the festive time
either lying stiff and stark, or suffering agonies and disfigurements
almost worse than death itself. It is as terrible to think that at the
same time, in a different part of England, widows and orphans were
weeping over the bodies of loved ones just as suddenly and quite as
horribly hurried into eternity. In the same way we may regard it as
heartrending that thousands of cur country-men and women were
wishing Godspeed to friends and kindred who had some days before
met with sudden and unprovided death" upon the ocean. While
quite prepared to admit that this should be a sad lesson and a warning
to us all, we are rather disinclined to accept the doctrine from hands
which greedily clutch at the money such catastrophes bring in to
an already swoln exchequer; and we think the saddest lesson of all
is found in the startling headlines to sensational accounts of sorrow
and suffering, which are set cheek by jowl with glowing panegyrics on
plays and pantomimes and picturesque descriptions of pilgrimages
among the fleshpots.
FROM HYDE PARK.
WITra brittle crust the water is o'crspread :
Boobies rush in where Bobbies fear to tread.
Midwinter madness! What can e'er entice
These reckless persons to the wrecking ice ?
Consider, man: a fascinating shine
Resistless glitters from the Serpent eyne !
ANOTreER landlord down without a push-
Slain by a bullet from behind a bush!
Pray, good agrarians, what wrong requires
Such foul redress ? Between you and the squires
All Ireland's parted with an even hand ;
For you possess the Ire and they the land.
FROM ONE OF THE "STATIONS."
"VENUS! Her fifth appearance! All the rage!
A star performance on the solar stage'!"
Well, Venus has appeared, and we have seen her,
And noted, critically, her demneanour.
How did she act ? Assumed, we must confess it,
A nigger character-and didn't dress it!
A thorough old Christy! I fancy between us,
It wasn't the true, but the Hottentot Venus.
I-N. [JANUARY 9, 1875.
JOHNNY ON SKATES.
The romance of the letter A. Our contributor wreaks tormenting efst-
qeance upon his plagiarists. The mad old man who was ruined by.
warm winters. The tropical sceptic, and the story of a snow man with
a cold in his head. A sculptor hoist with his own petard. Eating the
BILLY may say wot he likes a bout its nice to drop a piece of ice
down Mary, that's the house mades, back wen she aint a looking, but
Ime a going in for warm whether again, that's how it is! I like sno
bollin wel enuf wen it is plade fair and dent hit me on the nose, wack,
and I like to see slays run over a dog and make-him yel, and say
hooray, and I wude like skatin if I cude stand up on em, and make like
a 8, and not set down til I got done, but give me a worm day with
a overcome and mufflers! There was a young lady which was a being
tot 0to skate by her young man, and he said wy dent you keep your
feets clocer to gather, I never see sech a letter A. That girl she wag
furius like any thing, and she set down to take of her skates, and he
wonted to help, but she wudent let him tuch her, and wen she was
gon he said to his self I have been a studdyin the picture aflabet, andi
I got as far as letter B. And that feller he never got no further, but
I can say em ol back wards.
Did you ever here a bout that feller which was a skatn were they was
lots of fokes a skatn too, and his heels flue up, and he set down offel
hard ? Then he thot he wude sho he diddent care so he set still and
lit his pipe and tride to be funny like he had set down a purpus, but;
wen his pipe was out he cuddent git up, cos he was frose fas. He
tuke of his skats, but no use, he cudent git his feets under him, and o
the girls was a round him, a gigglin, and his wife, which was a big
woman, she come up be hino him, and she said wot a shame, and she
tuke him by the collier and puld as hard as ever she cude pul, but the
fellers braces they broke, and he was dron out of his trousers, so muck
for trying to sho of! That feller he was one of them edditers which haa
been a steelin my stories and a printin em like they had rote cm their
own selfs, but I dent think they wil this.
There aint no country like England for skates, the first thing a boy
bys is a skate, and wen he gits bigger and has more money he bye a
other one, and girls too. And wen the first frost comes every body
takes their skates and goes and stands a round a pond; a witiln for
the ice so they can go on it and git drowned, but its ony very ole
men like Gaffer Peters which has ever learn to skate wel enuf to drowned
theirsefs gracefle. Uncle Ned he says skatin is our nationle pastime I
cos we passes ol our time a wition we cude git a chance to. He sayg
once they was a ole man, and he was a cryin like his hart was broke,
and the doekter come and said wot was the matter, take a pil. But
the ole man ho said no, it was just he was a ruin man, so the dockter he
said take two pils. Then the ole man he said it aint that, wot ales me
is blasted hops and wasted oppery tune it is, and then the dockter he
said 0, that's it, then you mus have exercise, git a pair of skates to
once. Wen the dockter had said this the ole man he stude up and
luke at the dockter and said away, you have come to tont me, for itr
them skates done it, wen I was little I bhot a pair, and Ire kep em, but
no gude ice yet, and Ive been a counting it up, and I fine thot if I had
put the money out to interest I wude be a rich man, a livin in a villy
at the North Pole were it is gude skatin ol the year roun, avonti
Wen that ole man had said so he throde his feets out rite and lef, like
he was a skatin, and come down plump, and pusht his fingers up thru
his hair, wich made it stan out, and said ha, ha, and ganasht hi
teeths! Then the dockter he back of, and Ehaked his hed, and said.
take a black draf.
A man which had all ways live were it is worm whether, he come to
England to see a friend, and his friend shode him a pair of skates, and
he ast, the man did, wet they wos for, and wen he was tole they was
for the fee's, in the winter, he said he shude think they wude be cold.
Then his friend said not if you went real fas, and the man said how
cude any boddy walk fas with them sharp things on their feets, he
wude like to no, and wen he was tole it was easy on ice he said this is
a carrying a joke a little to far, do you think I'me a fool, you mite
walek a little with em in gravvle, were they wudent slip, but on ice is
jus were yude brake your neck in a uninnit, you got to a polly gise.
So that's ol I kano a bout skatin, but wen it comes to main a sno
man I me guide at that biness, I can tel you, but no nose on him, cos
it wudent stick. That one me and Billy made yesterday my mother
she come to see it, and she said were was its nose, and Billy said 0,
wen he comes out he leaves it to home, cos it wude git cole and paim
him, but wen ever he wants to blo it Johnny he gose and fetches it,
Then my mother she only said wy, William! Thats a bout el
wimmins can say wen they is flored. My mother is offle nice wen.
you come to no her, lut Mary the house made has got a lame toe.
Las nite wen Uncle Ned come home it was dark, and I was hid_
under a bush to see if lie wide be a frade of the sno man, which he
hadden saw, for it was rite by the wok were he wade have to pas, and
wen he come in the gate he was a wisslin some thing from Don Jo
Vanny, but wen he see the sno man he stude still and forgot wet was
JAWIARY 9, 1875.]
the tune. Then he luked a long wile, and then he went up cloce and
said bless my sole, I thot it was a sno man, but its a gost, somebody
has tuke the sno man a way, and this offle thing is a standing right in
the same place, its jes like the one I see in Injy once which et little boys,.
weot fritefle eyes! Then Uncle Ned he turned and woked out agin
hrn. the gate, he was so scared, and I was lef all a lone, and wen I
3lokt at the sno man it didden seem like the same, and I thot it
moved, and I hollered like every thing, cos I was friten most to deth,
and ol the fokes come out of the house to see wot was up. Wen we
wasol ia does, and Uncle Ned too, he begun to laf at me. but wen I
tole em how he had run a way his own self he shet up mity quick I
can tel you.
And now Ble telyou a little story. One day wen Mister Gipple was
lo our house, which has-travled in Affrica, he was a tellin me a bout the
ostriches, and how offlebig they was. My mother she come in the room,
and she thot he said oysters, so she said was they as delicate flavour as
the natifs, meaning the natif oysters. Then Mr. Gipple he got red in the
face, like a beet root, and he said I am a.stonish, Madem at your
question, I have often et ostriches in .Afftica, and its true I was once
compel by hunger to eat two or three of the natifs. but I cant imagine
who tole you, nor wy you mention it. And'then Mister Gipple tuke
his hat and went away, offle angry, but my mother she said let him go
if he-t niggers, the notty notty man !
.A MERRY TIME, MY MASTERS.
'TwAs glad new year time, and the world spun merrily. 'Twas
merry in hall and beards wagged all; only when the aspirates went
wrong confusion followed as a matter of course. Even the birds
seemed to know the happy birth of a new year had taken place, and
chirped melodiously nor gave a thought to the morrow. The brokers'
men were alive with excitement, for they knew that this was the
merry period at which the man shakes off his hibernation and goes-into
speedy possession. And as his errand is one of peace and mercy may
merry blessings be upon his venerable brow.
As I have said, 'twas the time of the feast of St. January, and.the
snow covered the earth like unto a carpet. The merry farmer whistled
for want of drink as he looked at the stone bottles so fall.at merry
Christmas time, and whistled again for want of thought as to the way
of replenishing them. The policeman chattered merrily to all. the
servant maids on his beat, andidivided the cold:mutton afterwards
with his inspector. The merry householder, got worn to a thread-
paper giving Christmas boxes and paying jolly Christmas bills, and
then had a crowd brought round his house by an old.beast of a jovial
cornet player, who had made night merrily hideous outside his door
for three weeks before merry Christmas. He's a mean old'unks,"
said the merry corneteer, only to give afeller.'a shillii for keepiu
im merry all night long." And the-merry listeners, who had never
given a halfpenny away to anyone in their lives, echoed the senti-
mnent, and merrily called out, "Mean old hunks!"
At the merry police-stations everything -was glad, and the charge-
book was full to overflowing. The merry stretcher men were hard at
it, and two of the merry occupants of the cells had just died of serum
on the brain and feel nothing in the stomach. The undertaker and
his merry men were rarely busy, and the merry sound of their ham-
mers gladdened the souls of passers-by. The roadside tavern-keeper
merrily watered his liquors, for he knew the undertaker with whom
he was in a kind of merry learune would insist on the mourners stop-
ping to partake. The toll-talkers on the bridges were happy, for they
knew the merry suicides would swell their takings rarely. And alto-
gether it was, as I have said, a right Merry Time, my Masters.
IN AND OUT.
YOUNG love, like a cricketer, goes in to wia
With a courage that knows not a doubt;
But, alas! like a batsman, no sooner he's in
Than as often his fate puts him out!
A PARAGRAPH which is going the round of the papers informs us
that at a Manchester theatre Mr. Aynsley Cook recently added fuel
to the storm by repeating some personal lines. The reporter is pro-
bably the same individual who heaped coals of water upon his friend,
and pulled the beam out of his brother's character when he was on the
lowest rung of the social circle. Shakespeare talks seriously about
taking arms against asea of troubles,but then Shakespeare was a genius,
and a reporter is generally a -- But, there, personality is the thief
A CoMMo- SORT OF STror. TOLD aN A COMMON SOrT OF WAY.
OLD DOBBIN was a dustman's horse, he hell no higherstate;
He worked from early in the morn until the night was late.
He once fulfilled a higher rank,
But steadily he downward sank,-
Until at last a garbage-cart he drew;-such was his fate.
Old Dobbin had, as I've just said, seen many better days,
Been sleek and fat, and fairly groomed, and full of wilful ways;
For horses, like their master, man,
Pursue a dreadful, awkward plan,
Of feeling, when they're too well fed, above the common gaze.
But Dobbin had, with failings few, good .qualities enough
To make his master fond of him-his master.said, Oh, stuff!
The horse is getting old and weak,
I'll sell him while he still is sleek."
This master was a selfish man-a worldly lindLof muf.
Muff's not exactly what I mean, and yet the word will do;
For he was mean to sell the horse; yes, mean and paltry tso.
He'd had the service, had the strength,
Of Dobbin's best, and now at length
To rid himself of feebleness was all he had in view.
So Dobbin's off to market sent, and sells for pounds a score;
In three months' time he's sold again, and fetches then but four.
In that three months he d been o'er-tasked-
He'd done whatever he'd been asktd ;
And now he fills the dustman's shafts,-" he isn't worth no more."
And Dobbin goes from bad to worse, and down the hill of life
Gets low and lower by degrees, until the fitful strife
And wish to live a little, still,
And once again obtain goodwill
Is o'er; and if he only knew, he'd wish for knacker's knife.
And hunger comes on hunger fast, and hard work comes on hard;
The dustmen "take it out in drink, but Dobbin is debarred
From helping them in time of sport,
Though oft it makes his food run short;-
And so, he drops and dies one day within the dustman's yard.
He died of sheer starvation -but all this you'll say is rot."
It may be so on quality, in feeling sure it's not.
Dumb animals deserve our care,
And though the selfish man may stare,
I think good service past and gone should never be forgot.
Ex post facto.
ADMIRAL ROJus, Mr. Plimsoll, Lord Tomnoddy, and other celebrities,
seem to all have known that the La Plata was sure to founder --
after the news of the calamity arrived. Such ability is very striking.
It might almost be struck-on a medal we mean, of course.
18F U N [JANVARY 9, 1875.
A SECOND-HAND SCHOLAR.
little Girl (to old lady) :-" OH, MRS. SMITHERS, WHAT D'YE THINX THAT I KNOW ? I KNOW YOU RE COMING TO THE BOARD SCHOOL.
THEY'RE SURE TO MAKE YOU, FOR I HEARD MOTHER SAY YOTS WERE IN YOUR SECOND CHILDHOOD."
TO THE NEW YEAR.
OH, New Year, whose accents are chilly
And baby limbs rigid with cold,
If you'd humour a whim that is silly,
Let us see what you have to unfold.
Will you give us a hint of the glories
That your hand on our Arms will bestow ?
Do you favour the Whigs or the Tories ?
We are really most anxious to know.
Will our ships go to sea overladen ?
Will our soldiers be properly paid ?
Will the playhouse be fit for the rtaiden,
Or a mart for the dissolute jade ?
Will disease bred of dirt decimate us ?
Will the High Churchman slander the Low ?
Does a panic or famine await us ?
We are really most anxious to know.
Will the Stock Exchange brokers and jobbers
In the straight path of rectitude stay ?-
Or will they be rascally robbers,
And on widows and clergymen prey ?
Will the Queen stop in town for the season ?
Will Shakespeare continue a go "?
Will the School Board be gifted with reason ?
We are really most anxious to know.
Will the Press be as venal as ever ?
Will our Statesman pen twopenny tracts ?
Will the duffers be puffed up as clever ?
Will the Bench be bewildered by Acts"?
Oh, Year, do you bring for us money
Enough to pay all that we owe ?
Are you big with ideas that are funny?
We are really most anxious to know.
A Fruitful Subject.
A MAN named Cherry has just been sentenced to twenty years' penal
servitude for only attempting to poison his wife. This is-the result of
making two bites at a cherry, and should be a warning to all others
pondering over the fruits of matrimony.
One Trial Sufficient."
A NEWSPAPER reporter thinks it worthy of special remark that a
man who fell more than a hundred feet "died almost immediately."
Let the reporter try the fall and we'll exhibit the surprise. And give
him his thick head in.
THE Lord Chamberlain's recent circular is intended to keep the
Theatres square. It has a good many straight lines in it.
FUNN .-JANUARY 9, 1875.
A SAD CATASTROPHE.
0, it is excellent
To have a Giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a Giant."
JANUARY 9, 18?5.] I5_IJ N 21
THE MAN WHO WA- SHAKESPEARE.
(With due apologies to those whom it may concern.)
Stoo," said his patron. It's all murder, from beginning to end and
the hero's a henpecked idiot!"
S_ The good old gentleman was really grieved. He took William o--t
,' for a holiday and showed him the beauties of the metropolis, to try and
distract his mind from its morbid brooding on regicide; and Shakes-
LATE in the sixteenth century a philanthropical phrenologist peare went home in a calmer state of mind, and tried again, firmly
wandered about the back-slums of Stratford-on-Avon in search of determined to murder no more kings. He reappeared in a short time
some one to make a poet of. Suddenly his eye was attracted by a with a new effort: "Brutus; or, the Roman Fall,"
person with a very large collar, sitting at a window. There's a Why this is about the murd- said the old gentleman.
head," soliloquized the old gentleman; I might almost make a poet Mass of a verity, 'tis but an emperor this time," pleaded William ;
of that fellow What's your name ?" and went home again, utterly cast down. Some time after Ann
Shakespeare, ifackins." Hathaway found him in an attitude of despair, quite insane.
So the philanthropist, seeing he was hungry, took him home, and 'I can't keep the head of Charles I. out," he murmured. "Oh, what
they crushed a flagon. Now, William, how would you like to be a a rogue and peasant slave am I; backed like a weazel for all the daws
play-writer, you know ? asked the benefactor. Harry -indifferent to peck at! Then he began to scribble out some new attempt at a
well! Though, look you, I have a plentiful lack of wit, together-(he play. He called it Richard the Ruffian; or, the Blighted Babies,"
added, thinking of the scantiness of his larder at home)-together and it was all about murdered kings. It was hopeless; he would
with most weak hams." So he went home to try his hand at play- never be a play-writer, and the good old gentleman gave it up. Poor
writing, and returned in about half an hour with his first humble William lingered on and wrote several more plays,-and those which
attempt: "The Long.winded Ghost; or, Like Father, Like Son." were not about the murder of a king were about the assassination of
'Twas a knavish piece of work, he explained, and treated of a certain an emperor !
Prince of Denmark, who feigned lunacy to 'scape an action for breach I
"I don't think much of this," said the old gentleman, disappointedly, ",
when he had read it. I think some of it is rather -rather -broad, :
you know; and then the hero is an unmannerly young cub, with no -- .1. "-.
respect for ladies or old gentlemen. I don't think the murder of a ."j ''"iL
king is a nice subject. Try again." ': ,.
So William went sadly home, and tried again. His next attempt was" '. ...B-
called," A Month in the Highlands; or, the Three Comical Spinsters '
and the Magic Cauldron." Why, this is about murdering a king
.i .- *A YOUNG gentleman of the Black-country has recently been san-
tenced to four months' hard labour, for throwing half a brick at hie
father and cutting him severely." It is well that recreant youth
should be thus punished for altering the customs of the country.
This stern parentt" we will wager, never wasted half a brick on any
member of his family. Such luxuries were always reserved for
strangers. We cannot have the institutions of our nation outraged
Inebriate Patriot (just being run in) :-" ZHISH HOW Y'TREAT FREE BORN
BaITON? D'YOu xNow, SHIVISH ROMANusH SHUm ?"
Bobby :-" No, AND DON'T WANT TER, IF 'E'S ANYTHING LIKE you. BUT
I'LL riND 'IM FOR A SHILLIN'."
[JANUARY 9, 1875.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC No. 406.
A SENNIGeIT since, and through the crisp night air
Rang up against my frozen window-pane
A song that gave me hope and rest from care,
With the blithe measure of its glad refrain.
Now only mournful music greets my ear,
Sounding upon my heartstrings chords of woe.
I know no space is left for hope or fear,
And strike my colours to a mighty foe.
1. They say, who know best, I'm of Turkish extrac-
And left my own home for the dear Land of
Whence, after I'd suffered much dreadful detrac-
I came up to town, where I'm held "no great
2. Then he kissed her cheek so rosy,
On her finger placed a ring,
Bade her read and trust the posy-
Bade her watch for him in spring.
3. I wrote a play : 'twas good as I could make it.
But all in vain-no manager would take it.
] lent it to a friend !-The other day
The piece came out. But, very strange to say,
Somehow my friend was author of my play.
4. We gazed far out to sea with straining eyes,
And prayed the ship might battle thro' the waves;
But down she sank Then came the drowning cries
Of those who there had found their watery
5. I1 asked her if she liked the Major ?
She answered, Not a bit" !
That she's in love with him I'd wager-
The story-telling chit!
SOLUTIONr O ACROSTIC, No. 404.-Holly Berry :
Hubbub, Ogle, Lover, Larder, Yesterday. Correct :
Alee White, E. J. C., Cliff, Pip, Northwich, D. E. H.,
Gyp, Pipekop, Mab, Hammersmith, Leamington, F.
Tommy, Ruby's Ghost, Chic, James, P. Meeow, Dyk, M.
Lanterns, C. C. and Co., Ozone, Brice, G. Partridges,
Bob and Minnie, H. and W., Rodrigo.
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
Shorthand Simplified is the title of a brochure which professes to
teach abbreviated longhand." We have never hitherto been able to
understand where abbreviated longhand ends and shorthand begins,
and our views are in no way cleared by the present phamphlet or the
specimen of work which accompanies it.
Irving as Hamlet is an essay devoted to the interests of the
"creation" at the Lyceum. We shall begin to believe, if there is
much more of this sort of stuff to come, that Irving has been quite a
benefactor to Mr. Shakespeare.
A New Ilethod of Signalling on Railways contains both sound and
The Garden Oracle, by Shirley Hibberd, and the Gardeners' Year-
Book, by Robert Hogg, are both full of attractions for all lovers of
flowers, and interesting to even those who think Covent Garden the
real garden of England, and cauliflowers the only flowers necessary to
Solvent Life Offices professes to tell "what becomes of ten millions a
year." The amount is so trifling to a well-paid critic that we at all
events can afford to dispense with the information.
MAGAZINES FOR JANUARY.
Two serial stories are commenced in the Gentleman's. The first, from
the pen of Mr. Justin M'Carthy,- promises to be both healthy and
interesting; the second is hardly so good. Mr. Forbes contributes
an account of the present appearance of Lucknow, which is very
interesting, and is sure to be well read. The rest of the magazine is
varied, there being among other things a slight sketch of the late
Editor of Fun and his early friends. Rather too much of the latter
we fancy. It can hardly interest the public to know who did or did
not sup gratuitously with Mr. and Mrs. Tom Hood at Brompton;
neither will the people who have traced Tom Hood's career care to
learn what was served. The opinion quoted, among other glorifica-
tions of a War-office clerk, as to Tom Hood's not being a humourist,
is simply an insult to the memory of a man who for more than eight
years edited this paper with an ability his successor will be satisfied to
emulate. The value of the writer's own opinion may best be gauged
by a glance at the writer's own work. Tom Hood was worthy
the analysis of a far larger mind than that brought to bear on him,
and both his early and his intimate friends must admit that it would
have been better for him to rest in peace than to be placed in a false
position now he is unable to give rejoinder. This is one of the painful
results of little men rushing in for the purpose of showing they held
some sort of acquaintance with big ones.
A letter to the editor from Archbishop Manning is one of the chief
features in Macmillan's. It is a sign of these troublous religious
times, and will be read with a great deal of interest, as will the con-
tinuation of the article which called it forth. The New Hamlet and
his Critics is calm and temperate, and should put to the blush some
of the enthusiasts who know no course between downright wholesale
condemnation and sickening servile praise. In neither case do these
people ever attain to what criticism should be; and so, if the magazine
writer had said "admirers," and not "critics," he would have been
nearer the mark, and quite in keeping with his own expressed opinions.
Temple Bar possesses a good contents list, and opens the year well.
An article on Bulwer and Dickens is worth reading, though the
opinions, given in it are not altogether sound; and a review of the
Greville Memoirs handles that rather astonishing book somewhat
The Argosy commences the year with two new serial stories, one of
which is a rearranged reprint. Johnny Ludlow contributes a readable
paper, and there is some verse of the usual magazine order.
The chief feature of the Brighton Magazine is a poem on the Transit
of Venus by Dr. W. C. Bennett.
Little Folks has entered on a new and enlarged series. It is evi-
dently endeavouring to keep pace with its readers, who are gradually
becoming large folks.
[JANUARY 9, 1875.
JANUARY 9, 1875.] FU N 23.
MR. JERRIWADE'S CHRISTMAS PARTY.
MR. JERRIWADPS had hated his relations for years. Ho was a house-
holder, he paid rates and taxes, and was on speaking terms with several
vestrymen. A man of such high social position as this was privileged
to be eccentric. Mr. Jerriwade's pet eccentricity was his intense
hatred of every living being consanguineously connected with him.
On the 1st of December he conceived a plan for wreaking his ven-
geance upon them all at one fell swoop. He i-sued invitations for a
Christmas dinner party; and at two o'clock on the 25th of December
every member of the Jerriwade family was seated at his table and in
It was a bitterly cold day, but there was no fire in the dining room;
the turkey was tough, the -plates were cold, and the pudding was a
miserable failure. The faces of the guests were blue, and their fingers
numb; but the heart of Jerriwade beat high with joy, for he saw that
everyone was unutterably wretched.
A merry Christmas to.all!" he shouted, jovially, ashe wet his lips
with the flat beer, which was the only liquid upon the table. A
merry Christmas to you. In five minutes you will all be corpses "
What!" shrieked the guests, as, pale with terror, they leapt to
"I have poisoned the turkey. If you've got anything to say,"
yelled the smiling host, you'd better make haste about it."
"Let us out, you villain !" shouted the males.
"Send for the police !" shrieked the females.
"I die not unavenged," groaned an elderly gentleman, as he hurled
a discover at the head of' his destroyer.
But Jerriwade was too quick for him, and had him by the throat in
"Don't be fools! It's only my nonsense. Come and sit down
again, and we'll have a punch-bowl to warm us."
The guests were appeased in a moment. They laughed the little
incident off as a joke, and drank heartily of the welcome beverage.
They drank so heartily.that, one by one, they became thick in their
speech, and' unsteady in their movements. As each relation succumbed
to the effects of the potent spirit, Jerriwade led him gently from the
room, took him down the-street to the Police-station, and, handing in
his full name and address, charged him with being drunk and incapable.
The ladies found their sex no protection against his fiendish malice,
and long ere midnight chimed, the whole of the Jerriwade family
were in durance vile.
As the cell door closed upon the last victim, the destroyer of their
respectability rush d home and gloated over his desolate hearth.
He trolled merry Christmas catches, and whistled staves of popular
melody. He thought of the morrow, the magistrate, and the five-
shilling fines, and he positively howled with delight. But his mirth
was short-lived. Suddenly from the centre of the hearth there rose
a stout old gentleman, with a red face, a white beard, and a head-
covering of holly. He advanced to the terrified Jerriwade, and thus
addressed him :-" You have quarrelled with all your relations upon
Christmas Day; you have insulted them, and treated them right
scurvily. So far you have not offended me. It is the correct thing
on Christmas Day for relations to quarrel and fiaht. But there is one
crime you have committed, which I, the Spirit of Christmas never
pardon-you have thoroughly enjoyed yourself. For this you must come
with me, and be cast into a place where there are two Christmas Days
in the year." As the fatal words fell from the lips of the apparition,
the perspiration oozed from Jerriwade's every pore, and he uttered a
yell of agony. But the Spirit seized him by the arm, and drew him
roughly up the chimney into the Land of Shadows. Then, as his
shoulders scraped against the narrowest part of the flue, he woke, and
found it N as all a terrible dream. It was Christmas morning, and
he was lying on his back in bed.
The relations who had been invited duly arrived, and quarrelled
and insulted each other. Jerriwade was as offensive to them all as he
could possibly be, but he took care to be thoroughly miserable himself.
Be was afraid to gloat over the general discomfort of everybody for
fear his vision should be realized. And quite right, too. Who that
hath his sober senses would risk transportation to a place where there
are two Christmas Days in a year!
A Sad Surprise.
IN one of those extraordinarily long paragraphs which seem to get
into The Times of themselves," we are told of a deceased man who
"remains at the hospital in an almost hopeless condition." As the
injured person wasn't dead at the time he was deceased, the writer had
some grounds for imagining it worthy of note that he remained in the
hospital. Perhaps, though, the fact that he himself was away from a
hospital for incurables of a different kind should have prepared this
journalist" for anything. But then, one surprise makes many.
SONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.
II.-THE DRAMATIST OF ENGLAND.
THE Dramatist of England,
How patiently he stands
The chaff we raise concerning the plays.
He borrows from distant landsa.
When we say, at a glance,
His plots to France
It's easy enough to trace,
It may be low
To rally him so-
But it certainly is the case!
So when they've got
An original plot
In France's principal town,
They'd better beware
Of the stranger fair,
For he runs and he writes it down!
So drink to the English Dramatist,
And give him a plot to-day,
With-say two-thirds, of the requisite words;
And see how he writes a play!
Then an author we find
Of a livelier kind,
The goal of whose noblest aims
Is to write long strings
Of incongruous things
And give them eccentric names.
And the thing that he'll write
Isn't tragic-nor light-
Nor funny-nor yet grotesque;
And hasn't the ring
Of the kind of thing
That used to be styled Burlesque.'
And we shudder, appalled,
When this author's called;
And look, with abated breath,
For the eye that glares,
For the smile that scares
And never departs till death!
So drink to this English Dramatist-
We'll pledge him a friendly cup;
And if he should say, I've written a play,"
We'll tell him to tear it up.
WE were not aware that corporal punishment was resorted to in iou
"reserved forces." Yet the commanding officer of the Margate Artil-
lery Volunteers recently reminded his men that the corps had been
greatly benefited by Corporal Pain.
[JANUARY 9, 1875.
"THE CHILD IS FATHER TO THE MAN."
Rector's Daughter:-"Now, Tomin SMXTH, TELL ME HOW IT WAS JOHN, SURNAMED LACKLAND, SIGNED MAGNA CHART ? "
Johnny Brown (after a pause) :-" I KNOW." R. D. :-" WELL, JOHNxT, HOW WAS IT ? "
Johnny:-" PLEASE, MIss, THEY TOOK HIM TO RUNNY-RUN-RUNNYMIN, Miss, AND SO HE SIGNED AT ONCE. MY FATHER'S A
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
Blue Beard, which was so unequivocal a success at the Charing Cross
Theatre, has been removed to the Globe, where, with some slight
alterations in the cast, and the addition of some choruses and tableaux
vivants it still runs merrily. Not so merrily, however, as it did at the
smaller house, as the alterations have certainly not been improve-
ments, and there is a singular lack of reason for the tableaux. Still
there is enough of the old leaven left to make the performance both
pleasant and piquant, and we are glad to find so many and such
thorough artists still left together. They must find themselves rather
hampered by some of their new companions, but all the more merit to
them for coming through all right under more than ordinarily difficult
circumstances. A burlesque harlequinade is a decided novelty, and
we cordially recommend our readers to take an opportunity of seeing
it. If we are informed correctly, Mr. Fairlie is to lose his licence.
We have no wish to stand forth in ultra-chivalrous or even mildly-
quixotic championship, but are strongly of opinion that, now the re-
action has well set in, the ex-manager of the sinful St. James's is
suffering not for his own sins only but for those of others-is, in fact,
playing the well-known character of scape-goat.
At the Charing Cross, since the departure of the Lydia Thompsom
troupe, Aladdin, re-written once again, has been the attraction. It is
well worth seeing, Miss Carrie Nelson and Mr. Irish being particularly
The Moore and Burgess Minstrels have been in marvellous form"
J-even for them-recently. Those who wish to see the great St.
James's Hall packed to its utmost limits should go there during
Christmas week. They may go to scoff, but they will remain to pay,
for both programme and performance are alike unexceptionable.
With regard to the pantomimes, we need only say to those who like
them, go and judge for yourselves. So far as we can discover, they all
contain the wittiest openings, are all the best mounted, and every one
is provided with the absolute best set of harlequinade performers the
theatrical world has as yet produced.
ENGLAND expects that every man will do his duty. And England
expects that every man will pay his duty, if he keeps a carriage or a
Now Ready, the Twenty-seventh Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The TWENTIETH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. Od.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
FOR BREAKFAST. ER
Printed bU & ., Pheni Works, St. Andrew's Detors' Commons, and Pubshed ( FOR LUNCHEON, .
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dectorae Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, JTan. 9, 1875.
JANuARY 16, 1875.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 407.
THESE were the painted idols of my youth
At whom I gazed with wondering ardent vision.
She seemed to me all beauty, love, and truth,
And him I envied, spite of harsh derision.
She was my goddess, he my hero-but
(Some fatal but aye cuts one's fancy shorter)
I know them now; and she's a vicious slut,
While he dispenses pots of vulgar porter.
1. Let us glory assign
To the fruit of the vine,
That the slopes of the sweet sunny Langueloc raise:
Jt may not be bright,
Gay, beady, or light,
But its lusciousness merits a verse in its praise.
2. The sinewy smith his hammer plies
On the sullen block below;
The sparks dance out like fiery flies
To the music of each blow.
3. Old Redhead, of Brown, Redhead, Black, White, and
Had, by trading in tea,
Made a fortune, but he
(The greedy old boy!) tried a new spec, and lo!
His luck and the crop were as bad as could be.
So the whole coloured crew
In the spec that was new,
After contact with me, had a-look that was blue.
4. Ah, for the days when you and I would glide,
With lazy oar down the peaceful tide;
But now no silvery stream e'er glads my sight,
We see but stucco'd houses left and right.
5." Oh, dearest Charlie, you've gone wrong, I fear;
You've got into a frightful pother !"
He opened wide his mouth from ear to ear,
And said, "I'm sleepy-pray don't bother."
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 405.-Evergreen, Mistletoe :
Epithalamium. Vashti, Embers, Regret, Ghoul, Riddle,
Eat, Ergo, Nonsense. Correct : Pipekop, Pipekop's
Pupils, Three Coritanians, Faithful Tommy, Tommy
Riding Master (to Jack Light, who has fallen from his horse) :- "WHO THE
DEVIL TOLD YOU TO DISMOUNT, SIR, E ?"
BERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE Winter Exhibition at Burlington House is of course a very
great success, people seeming anxious to enjoy.the proud privilege of
paying their shillings under the auspices of the Academy. The loan
collection is very good, and though now and again some almost more
than doubtful picture is met with, this defect is more than counter-
balanced by the exceptional ability shown by our own and other
masters whose works are verified. It is only on such occasions as the
present that a collection of world-famous works of art may be viewed;
and though there is no particular reason why the exhibition should
not be as free as the loans are, it is better to pay a shilling and see the
treasures than to wait for an improved state of affairs-which might
by-the-way lead to anything but improved state or quality in the
pictures. And which, under any circumstances, is not likely to come
in our time.
The Winter Exhibition of The Old" Water Colour Society is
quite above the average, the collection being most interesting. The
President, Sir John Gilbert, the veteran Duncan, Dodgson, Birket
Foster, and Carl Haag, all exhibit specimens of work which must
command the attention of every visitor to the gallery. Of the
younger men's productions we must first mention Fred. Walker's
exquisite little picture of "The Rainbow," and next come Pinwell's
two Algerine drawings. North's landscapes are also very fine. To
mention names specially is very invidious where all have done so well,
and we regret that want of space compels us to confine our notice to
what it is-a simple recommendation to all of artistic tendencies to see
and judge for themselves.
Mrs. Howard Paul reopened the Westbourne Hall recently with
every prospect of success. Her entertainment seems likely to be as
popular as ever, and among its many other pleasing features we may
mention the never-failing imitation of Sims Reeves, a qualification
which gives it a decided advantage over an expected appearance of
the great tenor himself.
Those who still retain their love for and enjoyment of the old-
fashioned fair, now so nearly improved off the face of the earth,
should pay a visit to the Agricultural Hall, where they will be able to
revel in a revival of Bartlemy and Greenwich, to set at defiance
recent legislation, and as a matter of course to enjoy themselves
A LITERARY GHOUL.
SnouT's done a memoir of the poet Brown ;-
Short knew him once, and cries it through the town.
He often supped with Brown in days gone by,
And now Brown's dead can see no reason why
He should not still, though in a different sense,
Himself and friends puff up, at Brown's expense.
An Illogical Deduction.
A NoRTH-couNTRY Nupkins, in passing sentence on a man con-
victed of cruelly assaulting and kicking his wife, said that, as she
was a good kind little woman, the bench would only fine him half-a-
crown, and give him ten days to pay it in. The intimate connection
between half a crown and half a brain may have had some
weight with the members of this more than usually wooden bench,
though it is almost too great a compliment to them to suppose they
had even this small reason for their decision.
Old and Dry."
THE inhabitants of a small place called Sturry, in Kent, are dread-
fully annoyed because a daily paper refers to it, in one of its nightly
telegrams from all round the world, as Sherry. This was only a joke
of the editor's, Sherry having been for a long time known to him,
as well as to others, as an old port. And port it is."
Hints to Housekeepers.
KEEP all broils in the kitchen, and remember elbow grease is the
best kitchen stuff."
FUN' OFFIO', WPdnesday, Jan. 13, 1875.-
THE SPAIN OF TO-DAY.
CoME let us be happy, come let us be gay,
There's a change taken place in the Spain of to-day.
No longer War's rumours, no more War's alarms,
Will frighten the peaceful ;-the country disarms.
Disarms is the word, and no other will do,
For war is a thing that all Spin must taboo. *
Each Spaniard forgives his erst bitterest foe.
'For the love of the lattermost king, Alfonso.
The King has a game of the hardest to play,
And we trust he'll succeed with the Spain of today.
If he's not to be bullied, and stands his ground well,
He'll not have much trouble insurgents to quell,
Let's hope he's the man, and that Spaniards will see
That they'd best rest in peace-that's if happy they'd be.
Yet still there's a chance, they so wearisome grow,
They'll soon want a thing fresher than King Alfonso.
IT may at first sight seem a very small matter to make any stir
about; but those who have any experience will admit that the dearth
of domestic servants is fast becoming almost too dreadful to contem-
plate. We do not refer to the pampered menials of the rich, or wish to
infer that the inhabitants of Belgrave-square and kindred localities are
likely to revel in the unwonted exercise of coal-carrying and boot-black-
ing, neither do we believe that there is any less poverty in the country
than there was twenty years ago. There is in all probability more,
for the very unwillingness now shown in the circles which once
mainly provided the servant-of-all-work to do so any longer is an
active ingredient in raising the pauper averages. It is almost a
cruel sarcasm now-a-days for the proprietors of daily papers to offer
special facilities and lower rates to servants advertising in search of
places; because, except in rare instances, there is no necessity whatever
for servants to advertise at all. The registry offices are, as a rule, shams
and delusions, for unless people in search of domestics choose to
encamp in the rooms where once the slaveys" waited, and submit to be
cross-examined by the visiting "young ladies," they may just as well
throw their money into the streets. It is customary to point to the
employment of women at trades as the chief cause of this scarcity of
servants; but this, though it may be one of the reasons, can hardly be
the principal, as women who are employed in factories, or who take
work out, never have been in any way domesticated, as the majority
of their husbands well know. To our thinking, the system of free
emigration is what we have to thank for our present condition. Well
meaning its promoters and advocates are, no doubt, but they began at
the wrong end, and their efforts have mainly been on behalf of those
who were better off here than they ever will be elsewhere, while
those who would be benefited by removal remain. As a consequence
of this, those of the middle classes who don't care about paying double
wages and then doing all the work themselves, have to save their
money and live in hope of a time when emigration boards will cease
from troubling and lady patronesses will be at rest.
BEHOLD the Lord Mayor in Paris resplendent,
Regardless of outlay, of taste independent!
His gorgeous retainers hob-nobbing and chopping-
Their smiles and their H's benignantly dropping-
With Marshals and Prefects, who homage all tender,
While Ollendorf spells out the terms of surrender.
The shirt of my father" -"the cloak of my mother "-
The socks of my sister "-" the boots of my brother"-
Were certainly never so lib'rally drawn on,
Although their full relevance doesn't quite dawn on
The poor entertainers; who think every minute
A garment is mentioned the deuce and all's in it!
Three cheers for his lordship Three more for his henchmen!
They've baffled, confounded, and beaten the Frenchmen!
DURING the recent slippery weather in Paris, belated travellers had
to crawl home on all fours. One touch of nature revived in them the
habits of their forefathers.
CABMEN'S shelters" are deserving of support-if only because
they will remove every excuse for "Cabby's" sheltering himself under
[JcANAY 16, 1876.
LITTLE JOHNNY ON KINGS.
Gaffer Peters' concern for the interests of Local Government in Spainshire.
The sorrows of a wandering Pretender, and the reward of madness. A
squint into French futurity. The dreadful fate of the stuffed monarch
and the more dreadful doom of the stuf,,ng. D,1ring allegories and he-
retical innuendoes, ending in smoke of loyal incense.
YESTERnY ole Gaffer Peters was to our house agin, and he said to
my father wy don't you stop a takin in the Daly News, I wudont ave
sech a paper in my house, and my father he said wot is the matter with
the Daly News ? Then Gaffer he said you ot to kanow wot is the
matter without, assin, dont you see this thing, and Gaffer he read
about Donald Fonso had been made king of Spain, and olo Gaffgr he
said it wassent rite for him to be. Then my father he said wel, GMffer,
that's so, but its in ol the papers, evry one, so how can we hellup our
self ? Gaffer he shuke his head, and said he didden know wot was
this world a cumin to, cos the papers was a going a bout a making
fellers king wen we had olreddy got a Queen which evry boddy was
satsfide with, and that was a knuf.
There was a man in Chiny, and his name was Chow, and he new
hissef to be wiser and gooder than any boddy in his town, so he
call the peples ol to gather and he said make me yure king. But the
peples they opened their eyes wide, and they said wot impidents, wy,
you are just no boddy but ole Mister Chows son, and we have kanew
you ol yure life! Then Chow he dident say no more, for he see it
was no use, but he shet hissef up a hole year and drilled for a soldier.
Then he went to a big town were he wasent knew at all, and he said
to the fokes make me yure king and Ile perfect you from them fellers
in that other town which I see. But they said we dont won to be per-
tected, cos its a little town and we can lick 'em. Then Chow he went
to the little town, and he said make me yure king and I'll perfect you
from the fellers in the big town, but they said no, cos them fellers is
too mean to return a faver, and if you was to perfect us from them
they wudden perfect us from you. So Chow he went back home and
shot hissef up agin for a other year to study finance, which is how to
make money. Then he went to a other town, and he said make me
yure king and I wil take of ol the tackses, but they said no, cos how
wude-you git yure pay for bein king ? So Chow he went back home
agin, and he hired hissef out to a lawyer to studdy polliticks, and wen
he had lernt em he went to a other town and he said make me yure
king, and Ile give you liberty. But the peples they said we have got
a king, wot is liberty? Then Chow was disgusted and went to a
other town, and he said make me yure king and Ile give you liberty,
like he said be fore. But the peples there they said we have got
liberty, wot is a king ?
Now, so much study, and so manny times not getting wbt he wonted,
made Chow go mad, and he went pokin a bout the country til he
came to a other town, and it was a rainin, and he set down in a street,
bare hedded, and rockt hissef two and fro, and the peples ol come out
with their umberellies to look at him, and they said wot was he a doin
there a cetchin cold? And then Chow he said I was a thinking that
this wet wether spiles yure nico umberellies, and Ime a goih to have
it put a stop to. Wen he said so the peples they ol give three cheers,
and tuke him on their shoulders, and said you is just the feller we waTt
for a king. So they crowd him, and put a jooeled septer in his
hand, and my uncle Ned says he rools em with it to this day, xcept
wen it rains, and then he uses a iern rod.
There was a other feller, in France, which thot he had a rite to be
king, and some of the peples they thot so too, so they sent a depita-
tion to him to see if they cude come to a under standing. The man
he said I never was sohily onward in ol my life, if you make me king
Ile be the happyest and greatest king in the hole world. Then one of
em he spoke up and said how nice, but wet wil you do to r.ake us the
happyest and greatest peples in the hole world, so we may be worthy
of sech a king ? Then the man he found black like a thunder clowd,
and he said my dear friend, you wander from the subject, go a way
and wait til the time is ripe. But wen the time was ripe the man his
own self was rotting.
Once there was a king wichb had got tired of kingin, and so he made
a bag and stufft it full of bran and soddust, and he drest it up like
hiasef, with the crown on, and the skepter into its hand, and set it on
the gold throne, just like kings ol ways looks, and wen he had done it
he slipt out of the back dore and lef the country. The kings subjects
they diddent no wot was up, but they see things was different, and they
said wot a nice constootionle soaring his Majesty has be come,
hooray! So they went on, a managing their own buisness, and a
making a mes of it, til at last they cudent stand it no longer, and then
they said wot a crool tirant that you serper has be come, down with
him! So they broke in to the palace and tuke the bigger and cut of
its head, and wen they see the bran and the soddust a comin out of its
neck they said it was mity wel sech a die nasty was put a end to in
gude time, cos the blood royle had got pizend. But wen the bigger had
been threw in a ditch some of the fokes said it was marterdem, and
they gathered up the bran and soddust, and a little of it may be see in
a glas case at the Standard office, were it is worshiped morning and
If I was a king I wudent be like none of them Ive tole you a bout,
but I wade jus set ommny throne and eat lollipops and be good, like
our Queen. Hooray for the ,Qteen, and down with Donald Fonso !
Cos you jus take my word he aint no good, or he wudent be a spoonin
on them fellers which sassed his mother. Ide like to cetch em.a.comin a
bout me after sech a thing as that, that's ol! I fancy they w.ude fine
out wot kine of meat our dog likes !
S, NGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.
[II.-THE UNPROFESSIONAL MODEL DIFFICULTY.
A BEAUTIFUL Painter he wanted to git
A model, you know, for to come for to sit,
To put in a thing he was going to do
With a bibbety babbity bobbity boo.
You know (said the painter) that all I require
Is simply a person mn dirty attire-
It isn't a party in gaudy array,
Rum tiddety "ddety iddety day."
And all of a sudden he happened to see
The dirtiest man that could possibly be
A-sauntering gracefully out of a slum,
Ri fol de rol ildaty tidiety turn.
The affable painter he up and he went
And wheedled the gentleman into consent
To come and to sit on the following day,
With a rumtifol liddity fol de rol lay.
That painter was having his breakfast in bed;
His slavey she tapped and she sniggered and said :
There is such a beautiful gentleman come! "
With a row de dow dol de rol diddledy dum.
So down went that painter, and into the hall,
And there was the model who'd promised:to eal ;
But, oh! he had gone and he'd got himself up,
With a dippety dappety doppety dup.
He had a malacca, and diamond rings,
And, oh, he was clad in the loveliest things!
That painter's distraction was awful to see,
With ajiggedy wiggedy fiddle de dee.
He told him distinctly and solemnly, thrice,
BI wanted him shabby, and grubby, and nice
'hT-e mod4l he wondered, ard shuffled away,
isiging tpedledy toodledy teadledy tay.
'he painter was silently having his tea,
7T4es*wey she comes and she says Deary me!
Theras such a clean gentleman down on the mat! "
ITum teorBA li le0ral tua tootlety tat.
The painter went down, and he stamped and he swore
On seeing the model we've mentioned before;
It wasn't the garments that harrowed him now,
Hi lul a lul li-ety di-ety dow.
His garments were splendidly shabby and mean,
But he'd gone and he'd washed himself perfectly clean!
He hadn't been very long out of the tub,
Rum dibbety dabbety rub a dub dub.
That painter he up and he rumpled his shirt,
And got him and rolled him about in the dirt;,
And then he went crazy and wandered- away,
Hi tol de rol looral lulli-ety lay.
The model he says if them picturing men,
As revels in grubbiness, wants him agen,
They'll have to be clever to get him to come!
Hi jiggedy jaggedy wiggedy wum.
EDITOR OF FUN.-SIR,-I have never been in a railway train nor on
board a ship.; Ihave, therefore, the advantage of a judgment concerning
ships and trains, which is unclouded by observation, and unprejudiced
by experience. It is my duty to offer a few speculations and suggestions
touching respectively the causes of the late calamities, and the
measures aecesaary to their present prevention. I am well aware that
a daily paper would be a fitter place for-this letter than yours is, but
knowing how profitable to them these moving accidents by flood
and field are, I foresaw its rejection in favour of such letters as
either had nothing to do with the matter ostensibly discussed, or
which were ingeniously calculated to multiply the dangers against
which they professed to provide. If you think this an unjust aspersion,
do me the favour to read the letters actually printed.
When I heard that a train on the Great Western Railway had left
the metals, killing more than thirty passengers, owing to the breaking
of a tire, I laughed aloud. "'Oh," said I, -' the tire broke, did it ?"
It was too funny Now mark this: The tire broke because the train
left the metals! Why, sir, everything broke! I fancy that clears the
ground, and we may now seek the real cause of the disaster; and it is
not far to seek.
If you were educated at Oxford you must frequently have observed
a small boy selling oranges in the streets. What more natural than
that he should have strayed to the railway station and sold some to the
stoker of the rearmost of the two engines pulling the unlucky train ?
There you have all necessary causes plotting in malevolent conspiracy.
1t is useless to trace the inevitable effect of a bit of orange-peel on an
iron rail. So long as the murderous greed of ailway directors fosters
this inhuman traffic, we shall have a harrowing succession of such
letters in the newspapers as this last accident has produced! Besides,
such accidents are evils in themselves.
Turn we now to the burning of the Cospatrick. There are
scoundrels who believe that the fire originated in the boatswain's locker.
Against such stupendous moral obliquity as this it is useless to argue.
There are other villains who affirm that it does not now mati er where
it originated. Sir, it is our duty as landsmen to have out the truth.
The Cospatrick was struck by lightning-forked lightning, sir-one
fork passing to starboard, the other to port, the two uniting under her
keel, thus enveloping her in flames at a moment's notice Now what
I demand to know is, why the captain, instead of sitting still and
calmly playing dominoes, did not at once rush into his cabin, bring
out all the newspapers he could find, and carefully read whatever
suggestions he could discover in the leaders and the letters of voluntary
correspondents as to what he ought to do. Failing in this, why did
he not take an axe, out the lightning, and throw it overboard
before the ship began to blaze? Or, having too long delayed this
necessary precaution, and seeing (as he must have seen) his ship in
flames from binnacle-reef to marlin-spike, why did he not put out the
These are grave questions. Upon their answer depends the peace of
mind of many highly respectable people who add to the world's
ignorance their bast wisdom in letters and leaders darkening the
obscure; who call their meddlesome impertinence by the name of
solicitude; and who, having felt never a pang for the dead, have the
limitless indecency to censure both them and the living for faults
assumed in explanation of disasters for which only Omniscience can
account !-I am, sir, yours respectfully,
ARITA VIRIUli QU CAM CANO.
No more the Can-Can's danced on playhouse boards.
Display of limb no more scant dress affords.
A scandal's banished. Sure as eggs are eggs,
The arms that drove it from the stage were-legs.
Case of Real Distress.
A caxw from a crack rowing club, taking their first spin on the
river since the frost, were observed to be decidedly ragged."
JANUARY 16, 1875.]
28 [JANUARY 16, 1875.
KING WINTER OUT OF HIS ELEMENT.
"What! Ice in the jug I Why it must be freezing! Call me again when it isn't," said King Winter
to the Clerk of the Weather; for he wasn't used to anything but slush, being an Englishman.
1 I II ,
1 i ". ,,
But it continued to freeze nevertheless, so he had
to order a lot of overcoats, and get up.
He was miserably cold. Who on earth is this unhappy old gentleman who won't skate or do anything but shiver ?" everyone asked.
It was no use to wrap himself up and run about -he couldn't get
warm! "Give me back my slush!" he said.
And a few days afterwards he was found frozen, all of a heap. The fact is, King
Winter was simply ahumbug exposed. Verdict, "Death from Exposure."
FUJN.-JANUARY 16, 1875.
A ROYAL EXTINGUISHER.
"Put out the light and then --"
JANUAY 16, 1875.] FUN 01
WINTERt DELIGHT lTS. P E
SNow around my cottage, frost and fog,
Peasoup for my pottage, and a log;
On the fire a splinter of oak beam
Makes the dreary winter cheery gleam.
Hot peasoup, roast beef too, and a stray
Hot plumpudding's lief to come my way. ii
I can put them under one and all ;
So I leave asunder winter's thrall.
Then a day's brisk skating on the lake
Sets blood circulating, no mistake.
Hungry, home to dinner, feeding prime,
Feeling quite the winner of the time.
In the eve, hot toddy-barley-bree,
Fit for anybody of degree.
And a pipe above all pleases me:
.Winter bleak, I love all charms of thee:
W atn's very borrid-such a bore!
0 for some nice torrid tropic shore!
Winter, I detest you-hate you, sheer! i
If I could I'd -wrest you from the year.
Out at morning going, bitter cold,
East wind knife-like blowing, feel quite old. -
On a slide I tread now; oh, the whack!
bltinp iupoi my head now, and my back.
Creep into oniy chamber, feeling sore
Up to bed I clamber, there to pour
Arniea, and get my wife to rub
Linime to set me right-poor hub! THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION.
Chilblains sorely tease me, itch like mad. THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION.
Nothing comes to ease me;oh, 'tis ad! Small Boy (with basket):-n "Ys, You Just HIT ME, THAT'S ALL. Go ON, HIT ME, AND
Pipes freeze-we''e no water-thaw, and I'LL GIE YEs IN CitAoG." Sweeper .:-" YA, Al, WHAT OR ?"
s mrst! S. Boy (conteptuously) :-" WHY, I'LE GIE YER IN CHARGE COS TER CAN T READ OR
,Ohtiscomfort's slaughter. Winter eurst WRITE."
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN. soundness of both prose and verse, some of the latter being exception-
ally able. Love's Affirmative is a very clever little poem, but there
English Eccentrics and Eccentrisities (Chatto and Windus) is a very seems a doubt as to its authorship, one gentleman being credited with
welcome reprint of one of Mr. Timbs's best compilations. It is full of it in the page and another in the contents tible.
quaint and curious illustrations, and so stuffed with anecdote of all Art is well worthy its name, and as for its price, any one of the
kinds that more than one reputation for wit and ability at story-telling three illustrations is well worthy that. Literature is also very well
may be made by its purchase. We only wonder that some rich and represented in the columns of Art.
enthusiastic table-talker didn't buy the whole edition as well as the Once-a- Week is hardly as good as it might be. Mr. Waddy, who
copyright on its first appearance, and so procure a perennial passport has a monopoly in the illustrative department, saems to supply more of
to popularity. his own wood than is usual among artists on popular periodicals.
'avendish on WThist (De la Rue) has reached yet another edition. A new series of Good Things appears with the year. The most
There is no necessity for us to further recommend a book which has noticeable feature of the number is the announcement that the" Puzzle-
on its merits alone been accepted as the authority of the day. dom article, hitherto contributed by the late Tom Hood, will in future
Round Gamines at Cards (De la Rue) is a pretty little book useful alike be under the charge of his sister, Mrs. Broderip.
to the expert and the neophyte, and likely to be much in request Scribner's Monthly offers a variety of articles, most of them beau-
during the long evenings. tifully illustrated, to the curious reader. Some of the stories of travel
Whatever opinion a critic may possess as to the literary merits of and adventure are exceptionally interesting, so much so that even
the Era Almanac, one thing is certain, itis unique. We are quite with Jules Verne's Mysterious Island" pales before them. Some old
Mr. W. S. Gilbert in his "Proposal," but think that the blind adora- letters," supposed to be written forty years ago by a fashionable
tion of certain modern so-called essayists for the old school of writers young American lady resident in England, are likely to arouse new
is beneath notice-or would be if the playgoing public were not sensations in the minds of their readers. Such a statement as this will
always to be led by the nose by the most shallow of pretenders. Next certainly astonish a good many:-" Col. Webster was the person who
year fac-similes of the naked footprints of some actors and actresses first carried the news to Lord Wellington of the approach of the
will probably be given. Prussiaas in the battle of Waterloo at a ball given by Lady Charlotte
The Year Book of Photography is a complete epitome of the present Greville." Ex pede Tereulem.
state of that art, and something besides. It contains all sorts of plans The No. 1 illustration in Lc Follet gives a back view of a lady
for improvement, and novel notions are never left in a crude form, but which would be eminently pleasing to the Lord Chamberlain in the
receive the attention of well-known writers. Mr. G. W. Simpson's matter of skirts. What he would think of the upper portion of the
name as the editor is, in fact, sufficient guarantee that this year's issue figure if it were shown upon the stage instead of in private and
is at least as good as any of its predecessors. fashionable life is, however, quite another matter.
The Early Closing Association Annual Report is full of figures and
statements highly satisfactory- to the early closer. So rapidly is this
movement progressing, that in a short time its promoters and advocates t KING OF ALL THE SPANIARDS."
will close so early that they will have no occasion to open at all. SAYs young Alfonso to the wrangling Spanish:
"You once united my mama to banish.
MAGAZINES FOR JANUARY. No0 matter; I will show, despite the action,
The Leisure Hour, the Sunday at Home, and Golden Hours are full My countenance's favour to each faction."
of that good quiet homely reading for which these miscellanies are Just so; you'll turn this way, and that, and t'other,
celebrated. Upon a throne too hot to hold your mother!
A good number of the Saturday Journal is issued for the present
month. The editor deserves high commendation for the general HALTING FPLAcEs.-Crutchedfriars and Cripplegate.
[JANUARY 16, 1875.
TOMMY TUCKER'S TRUTHLESS TALE.
TOLD BY THE FIRST FLOOR LODGER.
.........J... i: "M
TOMMY TUCKER was very fond of animals. To his youthful mind-
he was only nine years old-the finest fun in the world was that of
driving sheep and cattle through the public streets on market days,
and as he lived in the neighbourhood of the Caledonia Road he had
plenty of indulgence.
Now I dare say you think that Tommy Tucker was one of those
nasty dirty little street-boys, all rags and red ochre, who are so often
seen assisting the drovers. Nothing of the kind. Tommy how ever he
may have returned, was always sent out clean and decent. His parents
were extremely respectable, Mrs. Tucker being a laundress, and
Mr. T. having an engagement at an adjacent horse-slaughterer's.
Guess then their dreadful desolation when they discovered the low
tastes of their only son, the hope and joy of the family of Tucker!
It is always sad to see a strong man weep, and I can assure you it
has often wrung my very heartstrings when I have watched the
unbidden tear course the cheek of Tucker senior, as he thought of the
low and vagrant tastes of the son whom he had hoped to bring up a
pattern of respectability and eventually to apprentice to his own pro-
fession. At last I could put up with it no longer, and so one day I
propounded a plan which I thought would have the desired effect of
turning the boy's thoughts in the rightdirection, andmakinghim see that
drovering was after all only fit for the low and vulgar.
"Tell Tommy," said I, after weighing the matter over in my mind
thoroughly, that if he'll only keep out of the market for a week, and
do as you tell him, I'll take him to the Zoological Gardens, and give
him a ride on the elephant."
Well, the week passed away, and Tommy made an effort which
carried him successfully over the time; so when the appointed day
arrived, we started off early in the morning, taking a good basket of
provisions, and intending to stay the whole of the day, and see all that
was to be seen. It was Monday, and the gardens were very full, and
after having some trouble with Master Tommy I eventually lost him
altogether. I looked about everywhere, but failed to find him, and
after a long search was obliged to return home alone.
Night fell, and his mother began to feel uneasy. So did I, for
his father told me he'd punch my head if any accident happened to the
boy. We sat listening for the expected footfall far into the night,
but it was not until morning dawned that Master Tommy made his
appearance. I will pass over the reuniting of the fond family and
get into the story told by Tommy as to how he had spent his time.
He said that he had wandered about the gardens until nightfall, and
then, failing to find his way out, had thrown himself down to rest
near the refreshment rooms, where he thought I should most likely be
found, and soon fell fast asleep. He was not sure how long he slept,
but on awaking he was astonished to find the dining-room brilliantly
illuminated, and feeling very hungry, he climbed up and peeped in,
thinking that where there was so much rattling of knives and forks
and plates there was sure to be something to give away. But much
to his astonishment he found that instead of human beings who were
sitting at table, they were all animals, beautifully dressed, and the
cloth having just been cleared by four giraffes dressed in tail-coats
and white chokers, the company were proceeding to be very merry.
They were of all sorts and sizes. The lion was in the chair, supported
on either side bythe rhinoceros and the hyena. There was the crocodile
who shed tears when his health was proposed; and next him was the
dodo-so Tommy said, though how she got there I won't presume to say.
The minor and milder animals were also represented, the deer, the frog,
the sparrow, and the lap-dog being all there. The latter however was
not allowed at table, but took his refreshment in the ordinary manner.
Perhaps from his being so intimately connected with humanity, the
committee thought he had better be kept "in his place." What
struck Tommy most was a lamb in a pair of plaid-trousers, who
seemed to represent the Scotch mutton family, and who was not at
all sheepish. The hyena laughed loud and constantly, and the
entertainment was most eminently successful.
I should have told a good deal more of what Tommy Tucker saw
at the Zoological Gardens, and have given you some of the speeches
reported verbatim, for the boy's story went into great length. Have,
however, just discovered that he never saw anything of the kind, and
had only been rivalling Little Johnny, who writes for your paper, for
the purpose of concealing the fact that he had run away and left me,
and had been out all night driving a herd of Irish fighting pigs from
the docks with a drover of his acquaintance.
And I think it was very wrong of him to deceive me whatever he
may have done to his father and mother.
JANUARY 16, 1875.] F U N 33
THE IMPENDING BOTTLES.
YEs, I was going down!
For nineteen days I had been floating on the Regent's Canal in an
open boat. A fortnight and four days previously I had hired a plea-
sure boat, the Mary Ann," at Paddington, and rowed leisurely down
to the ruins of the North Bridge. There I had pulled into the bank,
and, reclining on the deck of my vessel, dipped into the Christmas
Annuals. The nature of my employment speedily sent me into a deep
sleep. When I awoke I was in mid-stream; the oars had slipped into
the water and floated away; some extraordinary projection held my
bark motionless, and I was powerless to reach the shore. I state
these facts simply as they happened. I exaggerate nothing. From
my earliest youth I have scorned the liar's art.
All the first day I shouted, "Help !" the second day I shrieked;
the third day I raved. But no one came. The banks were deserted.
No living being, ventured within miles of the accursed stream. The
houses on either side were tenantless. Alas, I was out of the ordinary
track of civilization; An occasional dog or cat floating by served me
for food. The teers'of sorrow that trickled down my cheeks I
caught in a bottle, destroyed their saline property by a patent process
I had about me, and with them quenched my thirst. I kept count
of the days, and knew what- was going on in the world from the frag-
ments of journals swept past me by the tide. One day I secured a
paper containing half a stale bun and an advertisement offering 20
reward for information concerning me. I had wondered how it was
no barges passed me; this paper revealed the cause. The bargemen
had struck, and the strike was likely to last a month. My last-hope
was gone! /
At ast the fifth of November came-I know it was the 5th because
far away on Primrose Hill I could see squibs, and rockets' and
coloured fires. Suddenly I felt a dreadful jerk. Bang Crack! Phizz !
I glanced downwards, and gave a yell of frenzied despair. The water
was pouring in. A rocket stick had gone clean through the "Mary
I could not swim. I knew that my doom was sealed. Gradually
my bark was filling. In half an hour-oh, horrible! I hid my
face in my hands and thought of the new clothes I had ordered and
should never see, of the money owing me I should never get, of the
wine in my cellar I should never drink. Then J thought of my wife
aid my friends. A panorama of evil deeds committed unrolled
itself before me; all the guilty secrets of a sinful past clamoured for
instant liberation. There were two empty bottles in my overcoat
pocket. With a lead pencil I wvrote two confessions, and inserted one
in each bottle. One was addressed to my beloved wife, the other to
my beloved father-in-law. Awful were the disclosures the situation
had wrung from me, but when they were found I knew I should be
beyond the reach of punishment. I hurled them into the sea-I
mean the canal-and a great weight was lifted from my heart. Then
I lost my senses.
When I came to myself I was lying high and dry upon the towing
path, and the correspondents of the Telegraph, Standard, Daily -News,
and Post were fighting over my prostrate form. One offered me 50
for my story, another thrust a 100 note in my face, while a third
promised me five pounds a week for life. "Don't you tell the
others," shouted the Telegraph; come into a bar parlour with me
and name your own terms." Leave him alone," yelled the News,
seizing me by the coat collar and dragging me rapidly in the direction
of Fleet-street. Then the Post and the Standard rushed at me, and
presently all four rushed at each other. In the confusion I managed to
escape, and ran rapidly to the home I had never hoped to see again.
Months have elapsed since I clasped my beloved Marie t6 my
saturated waistcoat, and took my accustomed place in the haunts of
men. But over me there hangs a black shadow. Above me is a huge
rock which may at any moment descend and crush me. Somewhere
upon the sparkling waters of the Regent's swift canal two bottles bob.
Within each bobbing bottle lies that which, revealed, would disturb
the equilibrium of my domestic apple-cart for ever. At any moment
fate may guide some idle hand to snatch them from the bosom of the
winding stream, and then- Oh, Damocles! thy sword was a fool
to my bottles.
GAnIBALDI writing f1om Caprera to a certain, or rather an uncer-
tain, daily paper, calls it "a precious journal," and the editor publishes
it as a compliment. AV hat a "precious" idiot he must be. The only
persons to whom his sheet can be really precious are the heirs of the
people who have died from softening of the brain brought on by its
A-iOAnaL AramwAso.-The Gossip's Tale.
IN youth I thought myself a bird,
And poem after poem penned;
I heeded not the censure hard
Of those who could not comprehend.
A corner in our village print
Was oft illumined by my lays;
From many a friend I got a hint,
And more than once a word of praise.
An epic in full many a book
I next composed (at great expense
It soon appeared), and went to look
For judgment from the men of sense.
A mighty critic said, the thing
Was not so very bad at all;
But still, if I was bound-to sing,
I'd better sing exceeding small.
Upon this hint I seized my pen,
And issued lyrics bright and terse;
Not poetry I called them then,
I only aimed at modest-verse.
Another heavy printeass bill
Was paid, and then this verdict gained,-
"The youth's got stuff'int him, but still
His efforts never are sustained."
The fame of which I fondly dreamt
Has still eluded me through life;
Yet I will make one last attempt
Before I quit thiSA world of strife.
Pray do not think the'poet's mind
So soon will yield to dire despair:
Since he can't find-a-critic kind,
He'll mount instead the critic's chair.
DOTS A l rIaES.
Two hundred and twenty-four special picturesque reporters sent out
to interview Cospatrick survivors. Battle of the Stylus. Tremendous
slaughter. = Mr. Tattersall writes to explain about foreign welching.
Everyone ready to explain now the mischief's all done. = Thirty-six
theatres now open in London. Maximum of houses. Minimum of
entertainment. = Mr. Forster in New, York. A Forster-feeling
makes us wondrous kind. "Return of the wanderer." = Arrival of
Messrs. Moody and Sankey. Arrival and revival. General declara-
tion for Alfonso the Twelfth. Hope not the Twelfth-cake. Though
that was the day. Absit omen = Increased interest in Spanish
matters, Spanish leather, and Spanish licorice. = People who wrote
to The Times showing how to prevent railway accidents-afterwards-
now writing about shipwrecks. General shipwreck of common sense.
- High rate of mortality in Glasgow. Less temptation than ever for
Scotchmen to gang bock again." = Lord Mayor in Paris. Ginger-
bread carriage and general civic sensation. = Thief, on being caught
in the act, cried for his "ma." Poor little fellow She won't kn6w
him when he comes out after two years. Dreadful occurrence at
a popular and populous club. One of the waiters had his pocket
picked by a member. Waiter didn't object to that sort of thing
among members only; but must resign now.
Letting the Cat out.
LORD ABERDARE, at the recent Glamorganshire Quarter Sessions,
expressed himself as against inflicting corporal punishment. His
lordship confessed that he dislikes it on account of his personal
experience of it as a youth." Taking Lord Aberdare as a specimen of
the result of flogging, it is impossible to say much in its favour.
Not Tempting Now-a-days.
A WELL known essayist said once that "the Tree of Knowledge
might have been safely entrusted to the present generation." Judging
by the reception the Free Libraries Act has already met, branch
establishments" of this same tree might very safely have been
entrusted to the inhabitants of both Islington and Sheffield.
Killing no Murder."
TaE Echo startled us the other day by making the astounding asser-
tionthat out of the funds of the Railway Benevolent Institution 1,348
have been relieved-viz., ill killed, 113 died, and 1,124 injured in
accidents.' Clearly one of the rare instances of killing with kind-
'[JANUARY 16, 1875.
POETRY AND PRACTICE.
Jones (poetically) :-" BUT TO HAVE SOME FAIR BEING TO BRIGHTEN YOUR HEARTH--
Brown (practically) :-"BRIGHTEN MY HEARTH! MRS. GOLLAGHER, TELL THIS GENTLEMAN THE TIME YOU SPENT ON THIS BLESSED
[FIREPLACE THIS MORNING! AND YET HE ISN'T SATISFIED."
THE SONG OF THE MAJORITY.
THERE a road to wealth and fame is, which to take a safer game is
Than to be a man of talent, or invention to possess;
If you'd prosper, be a duffer, leave the great to starve and suffer-
Be a duffer, and you safe are v ith the Public and the Press.
Though the path of fame be hilly, if you're second-rate and silly,
And you keep down to the level of the men who share your drink,
They will write you up as clever, and declare no author ever
Did with classical attainment such a fund of humour link.
Sign your name to vapid verses, and avoid that which the curse is
Of the band of clever fellows who anonymously write.
Men of talent, finished scholars, lose the praise the duffer collars,
For the latter neathh a bushel never hides his little light.
Take it always, too, as granted, that the world will be enchanted,
If you tell it what you're doing; when it's likely to be done.
Tell the fools who hang abe ut you, that they cannot do without you;
Think the world a solar system, and yourself its centre sun.
This the road to wealth end fame is, and to take a safer game is
Than to be a man of talent, or invention to possess.
It you'd prosper, be a duffer, leave the better men to suffer,-
Be a duffer, and made much of, by the Public and the Press.
A LOCAL paper in Surrey speaking of an accident which occurred to
a gentleman whilst out riding at Alfold, says that he was thrown
from his horse, and dislocated his shoulder at the knee and ancle."
We have heard before now of a lad who was all legs but his head,
but there is a novelty in this specimen of Surrey-side construction
which should have ensured for it better usage.
A Black Joke.
THAT must have been a practical jokist who put the following
advertisement in the daily papers:-" A thoroughly good plain man-
cook wanted for the Governor of Fiji." We are in a position to
state that the new Governor is not a cannibal, and even if he were
he would look to his new friends to produce the best man-cook obtain-
A BLACK SEE.-The Diocese of Natal.
Price One Shilling.
TOM HOOD'S COMIC ANNUAL.
WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE FIRST ARTISTS.
FOR BREAKFAST. E .T7
C11o COL EFOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & 0O., Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, De8tors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80. Fleet Street, E.C.-London, Jan. 10, 1875.
JANUARY 23, 1875.]
A PROUD POSITION.
My spouse is a pet of the public and Fame,
As a btar" in the comedy line.
She appears by a dainty professional name,
And refuses to drop it for mine.
I can scarcely complain, for I candidly own
My cognomen is vulgar and queer;-
SLill it's not an enjoyable thing to be known
As the Husband of Lillie De Vere."
By right of position, of wealth, or of wit,
People oft can achieve a renown;
And are grateful, of course, to the one lucky hit
That has made them the talk of the town.
I am famous myself, but I fancy the cause
Of my wide reputation is clear;-
I inherit a portion of public applause
As the Husband of Lillie De Vere."
A sort of a kind of ajoe e sais quoi
Makes me nervous and awkward and shy.
I am dull in society-duller chez moi-
And shall ever be dull till I die.
But for dinners or suppers, for parties or balls,
I'm in chronic request all the year;
And there lives not a being so bothered with calls
As the Husband of Lillie De Vere."
I frequently pine, in the depths of my soul,
To exist in my own quiet way :-
Like a fly in his amber, or toad in his hole,
Dozing peacefully day after day.
But alas! my fond wishes (though modest indeed)
Are at present Utopian, I fear;
And I can't see an end for the life that I lead
As the Husband of Lillie De Vere."
Ma. GLADSTONE has resigned the leadership of the
Liberal party. We could have better spared a better
man-provided always that one could be found, which
is very doubtful. Still he has Fun's best wishes in
his new vocation.
PLASTER OF PA1Rs.-The New Opera House-may it
heal French wounded vanity.
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE New .Magdalen, after a prosperous career in the country, has
again found its way back to town, and, judged merely as a vehicle for
some very excellent acting, ought not to be missed by the playgoing
public. Judged, however, by any other standard, it is a piece that no
one should recommend, as it is calculated to do more harm to morality
in a week than a dozen of the leggiest of leg pieces would in a year;
for it is constructed solely with a view to making a most abominable
form of vice appear attractive; and so that the author shall not fail inhis
object, virtue is made positively unbearable. It is well to ask sympathy
for a woman who has sinned and suffered, but not at the time when she
is committing greater wrong than at any other portion of her career;
and the manner in which sympathy is extorted by Mr. Wilkie Collins
is more suggestive of trick than of legitimate action. When this play
was first produced we expressed our opinion as to its merits, and need
not now do more than say that a writer who has done such good work
might do better in his late years than scoff at the wholesomest of
exercise, while he takes.the unwholesome of immorality under his
special protection. As we have said, the acting is excellent. Miss
Ada Cavendish has made a decided advance in her profession, and
shows that in parts of a peculiar kind she is unrivalled. Miss Le
Thinre makes a beautiful old lady, and Miss Rivers is uninteresting
virtue personified, and offers a perfect foil to interesting vice. Mr.
Markby, as the persistently preachful parson, is hardly as successful as
we could wish. He delivers his lines well, but seems at a loss what to
do with his limbs. On the other hand Mr. Leonard Boyne has much
improved and is quite an acquisition; and, altogether, there is no
reason to doubt that there is plenty of money in the venture. The
New Magdalen is preceded by a small farce in which Miss Edith Lynd
shows more than ordinary promise.
After a good many failures and small efforts which were neither one
thing nor the other, the Alhambra has at last obtained a gigantic and
genuine success. This is entitled Whittington, a gentleman our readers
have doubtless heard of before in connection with a cat and the chief
HARD TO SEE.-A BIRDSEYE VIEW.
Young Smith (who will have his joke and his pipe as well) is trying to assure
his Aunt that the reason he got into a smoking carriage was because he had taken
magistracy of the City. The words are by Farnie and the music by
Offenbach. The acting and singing are both excellent, some celebrated
artists being specially engaged, and proving well worthy of the
plaudits they nightly receive from crowded houses.
Among the successes of the pantomime season must be mentioned
that of the Marylebone, Little Boy Blue, in which Mr. J. A. Cave,
always a favourite, is showing at his very best, his patter songs and
personifications being almost perfection.
ye SCHOOL BOARD MANNE.
Ix slum suburban where dirt-pies are made
By bookless babes-weanid, perdie, on gin-
A peevish ogre plies his dreadful trade,
And right and left runs infant recreants in.
The wicked wight, to grim hobgoblin kin,
No plaint regards of matron who doth moil,
Eftsoones the caitiff shaketh in his skin,
Lest irate horny-handed son of toil
Should on him wildly wait, and eke his visage spoil.
Victims of Confidence.
THE people who voted for Conservatives because they thought a
Conservative Government would benefit the country.
The people who attend a temperance lecture and expect to hear
The people who read things in newspapers and believe them.
The people who go to law and expect to get justice.
The people who join a club, and because the committee is respectable
expect the members will be the same.
The people who go to see a play because the critics say it's good.
The people who believe that signed pictures must be genuine.
The people who wait outside Fun Office with jokes at six in the
morning, and expect the editor to come down in a cab and buy them.
36 IFXU [JANUUARY 23, 1875.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 20, 1875.
ABROAD AND AT HOME.
Ho, trumpets sound a flourish!
Ho, gensdarmes clear the way !
,Erotect and dearly nourish
Fall arostrate-yes, and.:prone;
.Proclaim'-yourselves but henchmen:
Respect the great Sir Stone !
"-Sir Stone, ".the brave, the bold one,
The City magnate's chief,-
To paupers aye a cold one,
Rose up'ane-morning early
.And daredithe ocean's, foam-
iDared ocean's hurly-burly,
-".'Sir-Stone' "is.grandly I fted,
With dlikes:and princes mated,
'He thinks-":this ain't EO bad."
'Through ball-room and through.palace,
An honoured guest he's led;
Since he touched ground at Calais
Of Britons proud-the:head.
But now, once more 'returning,
He feels-the dreadful blow;
No more with pride hes. burning-
He votes the City slow.
No longer birth and breeding
Insist he's all their own.
His honoursfall receding
He's but a.sad SirStone."
TnE ceremony -of withdrawing a juror, when:the chief persons
interested in a case apparently dependent on the verdict of "Britain's
palladium" have decided on settling the matter for themselves, seems
most peculiar. One cannot help wondering when he reads of this
operation having been performed successfully, whether the juror with-
drawn is selected for the amount of wisdom he has displayed, or for
the absence of it; and a day spent in any of our smaller courts will
only increase the difficulty. For where idiotcy ends and ability begins,
in the majority of .those who are summoned, is a very moot point
indeed; and the only way we can see towards its settlement is to as-
sume that the idiotey never does end, and thereby save the ability
from any abortive attempt to assert its existence. It is cruel to think
of the important questions which often have to 'be decided by juries,
not one member of which has the slightest notion of whether he is
voting forright or wrong, orif he has, maybe safely consideredtopossess
an erroneous one. During the past couple of weeks there seems to-have
been throughout the country more than the usual average of jurymen's
errors and oddities about-judges, recorders, and coroners having, over
and over again, been driven nearly wild by the ignorance and stupidity
of the gentlemen to whom they so,fruitlessly appeal. Let us hope
that the system of withdrawing a juror will soon be sufficiently
extended to make the absence ;that of the.typical idiot who seems just
now to be the summoning officer's especial pet. This, however, may not
be the officer's fault after. all. Perhaps the idiot is the only person he
can find, under existing arrangements, .who freely. and unhesitatingly
accepts the honours of the -panel. -
InoDN'T pretend to teach the-age
Its mission or itsfolly;
A task like that requires a'sage ;-
*My disposition's jolly."
And whether I Parnassus climb,
Or whether I'm dismounted,
I cire not, so that I can rhyme,
And get my verse discounted.
To me it matters not a jot
What others may have written;
There's not a line of mine I'd blot
For one with-which they're smitten.
And what-is, after all, success P
My life is fair and sunny:
Let others covet Fame's address-
I'm satisfied with money.
THE WEEPING WIDOW.
A THIRTEENTH CENTURY ROMANOB. FOUND ON A PALIMPSEST.
IT was a young knight and his newly-wedded lady. Just weren't
they spoons upon one another! The livelong day they would sit in an
arbour with their arms hitched round each other's waist. Gum-boils
grew upon their lips from over-kissing, till they were obliged to com-
,municate their affection by rubbing noses. There never was a couple
before or since that loved like these two muffs. Never. Why, if so
much as a sting-nettle had stung one of them, the other's tears would
shoot like a three-inch fire-plug-they were such dead nuts upon
one another, you will observe. Well, one day, sitting in this mixed-
up manner, the knight was conceited enough to think he could do
two things at once: he thought he could peel an apple without
undoing his arms from the young woman's waist. Just as might be
expected, he made a mess of it. Down fell his pocket-knife; the point
of it just scratched his lady's little finger so that the blood came.
Now, what do you think the fellow went and did? Instead of going
indoors to get a bit of sticking-plaster, like a reasonable being, he
must needs go and cut up shines like a blessed lunatic. The sight of
his wife's blood doubled him up; he grew very ashy about the gills,
and in ten minutes was as dead as veal; all for pure pure love and
pure pure grief.
Of course his wife took on heavy. She cried a pint measure full
three times a day. Lots of folks told her it wasn't any use to turn
.the water on at that rate, and that there were plenty more chaps in
*.the world as good. The folks meant very well no doubt, but it came
roughishh on the widow. She said nothing ever could console her,
nothing could comfort her any more, unless it was to be buried with
her old man, because he was such a good old sort. However, when it
came to the point, she shirked the burying, and went and took a small
cottage close to the churchyard, so that she could always keep an eye
*upon the spot where her husband was planted. She cried so much
*thefirst day that the paper peeled off the cottage walls with the damp,
andshe was obliged to build a fire.
,Now the day after the burying, three thieves were hung upon
gibbetss outside the churchyard wall, and a soldier slop of a fellow was
-setfto mind the dead bodies, to see nobody came and walked off with
-them in the night.
When it got dark, the soldier thought, It isn't much good my
mooning about here all night; I might just as well go and do a skulk."
So, seeing a light in a cottage hard by, he went and knocked at the
door. "Let us in, missus," says he,'"and lend us a warm of my
hands." The widow seeing so handsome and well-spoken a stranger,
could not refuse a request made in such courteous terms. She
motioned him to a seat on one side of the fire, and, weeping, took a
chair on the other. Observing the floor to be .about two inches deep
in water, the soldier respectfully asked if the rain came through the
No,",she answered, her eyes showering down water like the roses
of two watering pots. 'He saw it didn't. I putmy old man under-
ground only yesterday,"she sobbed.
That's a longish time, ma'am," said the-soldier, according to the
weeping- you've done."
It does seem long," returned the widow, wiping the suds from.her
cobalt eyes; buL I think I'm pretty well through.with my crying
And if one may judge by the floor," said the soldier, it's near
about time, before it gets over your boots. Don't you think you
could take a turn and begin to cheer up P"
If wasn'tt for what one's dratted neighbours would say, why,
perhaps I might."
Show 'em the floor, ma'am, and ask 'em whether or no you've
done your duty. -Fire engines could do no-more. Now what do you
think about me for a number two F"
Oh, sir-really, so soon-I-give me a little-time, I pray you."
The soldier said he would look in again, and off he -went to see after
his gibbets. One gibbet all right, two gibbets all right-"Why.
blame my gizzard if somebody hasn't been and sneaked off with one of
my dead men! cried the soldier, for there wasn't any thief on the
third gibbet. What was he to do ?-What the plague was he to do.
to prevent his own body being gibbetted in the thief's place for.neglect
of duty ? He thought he would go and take counsel with the lady.
Well," she said, after hearing his trouble, it's a very ugly scrape
you've got into, young man; and no mistake. But if 1 pull 3ou
through, will you marry me ? Not a weep was in her eye now, and
the floor was new mopped and fresh sanded.
"Won't I," he answered, "that's all?"
Good," she said; if 'tis a bargain, come along with me to the
churchyard and huck up my old man."
"I don't understand you," said the soldier.
"Dig up my husband, stupid,:and put him up on the gibbet. Don't
you see? One dead man is as good as another, ain't he?"
Much marvelled the soldier at her ready wit. They went and
JAxUAUY 23, 1875.] FUN-.
Come, string him up," said the widow.
"Nay, lady," answered the soldier, "but I don't like to hang a true
knight like your husband on a gibbet."
0 you silly," she cried ",give me the clothes-line." So saying she
tied it round her husband'sAneck, threw the other end over the gallows-
tree, and hauled him up in a trice.
It was a sorry sight. The soldier shook his--ead and sighed.
Why do you sigh F asked the lady.
Because he is no more like the- thiietatt wa there than I am;
My thief had a matter of a big craeako -n'hi&tns&a!t
There were many unpleasant: th bin, toen df- before the requisite-
change in appearance was effected .bt af'wiwere done cheerfully and
unaffectedly by the widow.
"Is he perfect now- h "' she asked rgaps ding her handiwork with
no little pride.
Quite," he answered:
"Good," said the widow "'then t, zremow we'll see about getting
hitched in the morning).?"
Guess what.this miserabltemindi&saesfekhad the baseness to reply!
Heartlesasand cold-blooded' femnli;" said he-," I have ceased to,
love you. E2lale no longeranym appetite for getting-hitched. In.fact
if you don't step it, and. wailkyour chalks right away, I shall.go and
fetch a Peeler.'"'
If this storykias any moral, it is, in that it shows whaLany woman.
has to expe.ttwho throws away kindmessaupon a' meat .and paltry
SOMSi OF THE. PROFESSION..
IV.-THE 1402G'li OF CONVICTION.
I KNEW a y.:,Lmnr clrgrman whites ago,
A nice sort c-f man an I overdid know,
When summnwwas: calma'ndbright!
Whose pastoral taskwas appointed and set
At the ChurafieftSt. Willikin's-outin-uthe-Wet
Buthis,clesid' views: and; his-physical size
I haven't the time-to pairiculaarie;
All on. asloandlessmight"
This clergymmafa'slbve of 'ropiety' slawvs
Prtr iety slawaTwarer hii-hobby- his' goal-
The slight teneg t otpropriety's ways'
Would put hiim inmabeaiute torture for days ;
And the cause ofhis bitterest woe--
A physical anguish-that sniggered at salves-
Was the notion of bishops displaying their calves;
A custom unseemts in persons anoint;.
So he wrotwetO>hisibishop concerning the point,
T a-ep utlRiiE Bbg him so.
So carol a carol when autumn is nigh,
And welcome the winter that leadens the sky !
And it worries my heart and enfeeblesmy brain
To have to insert this unmeaning refrain!
The bishops were troubled, and coloured up red,
And looked at their tights, and reluctantly said
(All on a morn in spring)-
It wasn't the thing in a son of the church
Enjoying a lofty episcopal perch-
It certainly wasn't the thing!
But, nevertheless, it was prudent to spare
A popular scandal about the affair.
So the-bishops-came down in a-hansom and four,
And hammered and thumped at the clergyman's door;
And asked him to- breakfast, and dinner, and tea,
And.begged himAtortake an episcopal see.
Oh! botherthisahorrid':refrain !
It's a' cumiow.-act.that he didn't.refuse,
But seemed to have suddenly altered his views-
I say, it's a singular thirne that he rose,
Amn went out.and:ordered his clerical hose.
And now it is summer again.
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
TAT'rFntastie History; of the Celebrated Pierot (Sampson Low and
Co.) isa. delightful book, no less delightfully illustrated, the hundred
humorous wood-blocks being well designed and equally well
engraved., These'scuts are evidently from a foreign workshop, and
the' story itself is, i translation, which even in its original guise pro-
fesses.to be nothing more. We need only say here that Mr. Munro's
version. of this veracious as well as fantastic history is cleverly
executed, and:fidl of breathless interest.
To'. saythat Letts's Diazries are useful would hardly be to do these
ingenious arrangements justice. We should advise all young men
entering, London and upon life with the proverbial eighteenpence, to
invest at least-sixpence of it in a Letts's Diary. He may then consider
himself upon the high road to fame and fortune, and will be able to jot
down his experiences in a manner delightful to himself and beneficial
The Lie need Victuallers' Almanack is, as its name denotes, a handy
book fbt the use of hotel, tavern, and inn keepers. It is edited by
Mr. H. P. Shield, whose long connection with the Licensed Vic/uallers'
Guardian is probably the best recommendation the Almanack can have.
Ixion is a newmand not particularly good organ for velocipedestrians
-and-their shillings. The price is well'worth, the pamphlet. Perhaps
We welcome, for. old acquaintance sake, a re-issue of the famous
Cruikshank Bottle, Plates." We are happy to say that the "ever.
green George" is still, hale and hearty: his friskiness, may; best be
judged by a consultation-of our recent Christmas cartoon, in which he
and his-" Bottle'" are.drawmito the very life.
The Fjiand-M'essrs. Ward, Look, and Tyler's Beeton's Annua" --
is thi, year der id-dly renpectable. That respectability is the qualifica-
tion necessary for'a continuance of: the readers of former issues we-do
not: for. a moment think;. but' fortunately there' are others' ton be
obtained. Let's: hope.the .jfiad has them
M]AAZns" Fon JAeeAtY.
Mx. MArYBn's contribution: to the dt.Jsnes e-yimonthis called
'"Leigh Hunt and Charles Oilier," buta greatem5ryother celebrities,
large and small;, are dragged in. There seemalibewiwrgsod deal in this
article that people don't want to know, andk vny litikthat they do.
The Mysterious Island progresses, audtltoswwh'o are interested in
the art.of translation and- adaptation' mast.liahecanu to thank Jules
Verne fbr. the opportunities he givos them of comparing the various
styles in, which he is served uptir sAiEhBglis! and. Alserian tastes.
The 'Atlantie Monthly containwamlirt poemnon'CharletwSiunner, from
the penoftthlepoetLongfellow.. T'erediseanlso aceount;ofithwVirginia
Campaign. of John Brown, as wvel- as some- clever' stanzas; entitled
"Lost at-Sea," byT. B. Aldiien. Battha.artibtleof the number iaone'
"Touchinr Visitants from a Higher Life," by Robert Dale Owen,
which, seemito have startled the editors moreafter itVtwas "'insaheet "'
than before, as a slip, apparently printed and. stuck in. the magapmiv
at the last moment, denied all: responsibility on. their part' as to the
supernatural statements of'the'author. Whetherrthis is tlie'result'of
having:too many editors or too much. faithiwe cannot deponsm.
Mts. Riddell's story, "Above, Suspicion," which in.Londoaw Sciwity5
has-now reached its thirteenth chapter, is far above the average,,asSF
is about the only thing'in the number'which seems too short. "West-
End Notes," a substitute for Social Subjects," hitherto a regular
feature, will not be found above the comprehension of the dullest.
The chief attempt yet of the new man, whoever he may be, is to hang
himself on to the skirts of the late Charles Dickens. Mr. Dickens
used to repeat this with admiration." 3Mr. Dickens would have
enjoyed this, and, had he been alive, should have seen it." It is
rather depressing to find that even this mild youth should be devoting
himself to the suddenly awakened interest in old and curious advertise-
Received: -Gardener's Magazine, Westminster Papers, Journal of
'Hortioulture, Pictorial World, Colburn's New Monthly, Family Herald,
Young Folk's Budget,.Penny Illustrated Paper, Science Gossip.
38 F U N fJANUAuY 23, 1875.
HAMLET THE IRVINGITE;
OR, SHAKESPEARE DUG UP AND RE-HEARSED.
FU N .-JANUARY 23, 1875.
AT HOME AND ABROAD.
A Distinction with a very Considerable Difference.
JANUARY 23, 18756.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC. No. 408
0 'TIS a most perplexing thing
To know whose praises I shall sing
With raptures wild-in verse ecstatic.
If Christmas pictures now I draw,
To-morrow there will come a thaw-
This British climate's so erratic.
1. Our music rang out o'er the.storm,
And we went well together:
So keep you cold orkeep you warm,"
It was-rare Christmas weather!
2. 'Twas in my native town-and near
.An an cient seat of learning-
Where I'd returned to all most dear,
With love and hope high burning.
3. We.at.a rustic hostel stayed-
,We and some jovial neighbours;
_The liquor, sure, for gods was made
,With which we cheered our labours.
4.; And. hen the liquor took effect
'You should have seen us dancing !
'The Queen of danseuses, I suspect,
Had never done such prancing.
5.-Soon in the Orient the morn
Upraised night's cloudy curtain,
And tow'rds the day, with looks forlorn,
We walked with step uncertain.
6. I started up My railway wrap,
I've good cause to remember,
Had vanished in my dreaming nap-
That chill night in December.
SOLUTION OF AcnOSTIC, No. 406.- Carol, -Dirge : Cad,
Aei, Robber, Offing, Lie. Correct :3X. Q., Lindis, Ruby's.
Ghost, Chic, Sideropo'itain, Ozone.
A BUCOLIC acquaintance whorseems to know more
about ploughshares than railway obligations says he
means to name .his early peas Great Westerns- t because,
forsooth, he expects them Ato be a good "bearing"
..THE PLACE FOR DEBTORS.-Bolt Court!
THE CANNIBAL KID.
CUCKETY, chuckety, chuck! It was a pretty ickle sing it was,"
chirruped cheery Mrs.'Bluffham, the monthly nurse, as she handed a
two-day old prodigy toitsfather. Come its ways to its dadda," said
the cherub's six-foot sire as -he. took it gingerly in his arms, and
crumpled its dangling robes beyond redemption. Why, I declare it's
smiling at me, nurse! he continued, as the infant squinted violently,
and screwed its lips into a smirk. "-Wind, sir, 'wind," replied the
matter-of-fact dame. Fathers often mistakes .it for affection! "
Reginald, my love, you're smashing that child," gently remonstrated
a sweet voice; "hand him'.to me, it's time for its chop." The hero of
this true narrative not only devoured the chop that had been cooked
for him, but he yelled for more, and got it. He was the hungriest
baby ,that ever was born. Subsequent occurrences--. But we
Uncle George was the black, sheep of the family. He was always
in difficulties. He accepted bills -.and never paid them. He pawned
everything he could call his own and lots of things that he couldn't.
But his sister loved him, and had sent for him. As he lifted the
gloved knocker there was a frown upon his brow.and twopence in his
pocket. Heo.wanted twenty pounds in twelve hours, and he couldn't
get.it. Will you lend me twenty pounds, Reginald P" he asked,
blandly, as he bent over the new baby, and sent it into convulsions
by making faces at it. "No," answered his brother-in-law, with the
promptness born of practice. "Then dread my vengeance!" roared
Uncle George, pretending to leave the room. But he didn't. He
crept back again and concealed himself beneath the sofa.
Let us retrace our steps. Two days before the events narrated in
the preceding chapter a man sat reading a newspaper in a low public-
Jenkins (very short) :-" WELL, FOR MY PART, I NEVER HEARD A TALL
MAN SAY ANYTHING FUNNY IN MY LIFE."
Jones (very tall) :-" An, THAT'S BECAUSE 'YOW -BELIEVE 'BETvITy' THE
SOUL OF WIT.' "
house. Suddenly his attention was arrested byan advertisement-
"A lady wishes to adopt a boy baby. Must not bemorethan a-week
old: 20 given, and no questions asked. Apply instantly to ."
The man laid down the paper and drew a letter from his pocket.
He read the contents, aloud: "Come and see my baby .hoy.-Your
loving sis, LoUISA." With a dark look in his:evil eye'the man rose
and went out into the night.
Good gracious me!" exclaimed Nurse Bluffham, '"where at that
blessed baby be ? I saw him a minute ago eating a pork pie on the
sofa and now he's vanished." High and low, up the chimney sand
under the bed; in jam-pots, and pill-boxes, and down chinks in the
floor,-a despairing household searched for the missing child-but they
found him not. That night the howls of the distracted parents were
heard for miles. In the midst of their agony they remembered the
threat of Uncle George. ,Then the mother left off howling, andtbullied
her spouse for not parting with the twenty pounds.
It was a bleak cold night. Outside the doors of a mansion, half
buried in the snow, lay the prostrate figure of a man. Over him
crawled a baby, and ever and anon it closed its lips with a strange
crunching sound. It heard the howls of its disconsolate parents
within, but it answered not. It was too busy.
In the early dawn, the servant coming to sweep the steps, foitda a
baby and a bone. She carried them into the house, and joy went .with
them, for a son was restored to its frantic progenitors. The benetas
buried decently. It was all that was left of Uncle George.
.Latest from Paris.
WHAT is the difference between the Lord Mayor and a pugilist ?
-One paid for his box-and the other boxed for his pay.
42 lFUN. [JANuARY 23, 1875.
USEFUL GRANDMOTHERLY GOVERNMENT.
A HINT TO THE FRAMERS OF THE HOPELESSLY-IDIOTIC-JURYMEN-SUPPRESSION BILL.
WHEN any juryman shall be found to have recommended to mercy more than six Who shall proceed to examine his phrenological development, and
deliberate and brutal murderers, that juryman shall receive a domiciliary pronounce upon the severity of the case.
visit from a qualified medical inspector,-
Should he consider it a case of aggravated idiotey, that unfortunate juryman
shall be placed under complete official supervision.
DOTS AND LINES.
ALPoNso TE TWELFTH reminds the inhabitants of Barcelona that he
is their Count. Is of course "nuts" on them. Hope they will
reciprocate. = Special understanding between Germany, Russia, and
A ustria on Spanish affairs. Requires a special understanding to under-
rand them. = Irish students waited on the Pope and presented him
'ith 16,000 francs. His holiness replied suitably, i.e., franc-ly. =
i .ord John Manners still hard on the letter-sorters. Instance of very
bad Manners indeed. = Return of the New Magdalen. Consternation
of the old ones at the prospect of monopoly. = Shocking inhumanity
of a relieving officer." Seems to be part of a relieving officer's "
duties. Hence his title. = Professor Fawcett has expressed his view
as to education. So fair we hope he will try and enfawcett. = Lord
Mayor much struck by the cordiality of the Seine Prefect. Trusts he
will never be the Insane Prefect. = Hilary Term commenced. Much
hilary-ty among lawyers. = Postmaster-General cautions the public.
He's a "regular caution," so the sorters say. = Earl Russell has
published his Recollections and Suggestions." Our suggestions are
not in favour of his recollections. Neither are our recollections in
favour of his suggestions. = Resignation of Mr. Gladstone. Ano-
ther Conservative gain." And a real one this time.
And should he be found to persist in his pernicious course, he shall be handed
over to the latest murderer, and recommended to his mercy.
AT Hertford, the other day, two men were tried for night poaching
and assaulting a gamekeeper. The intelligent jurymen, after hearing
the evidence, and deliberating for a considerable time on the summing-
up, which dwelt on the conflicting testimony of several witnesses, stated
that they found the prisoners guilty, but highly recommended them
to mercy, because there might be some question as to their identity."
The figment that prisoners are entitled to the benefit of the doubt is,
under such eminently admirable circumstances, fast passing away-so
far as poor and obscure prisoners are concerned. In this case the only
benefit of the doubt was a sentence of four months each. There is a
certainty about that which more than compensates for any small thing
in the way of doubt as to innocence or guilt, identity or the want
WANTED A HEAD.
DoN CARLOs doth appoint an English Peer
His Majesty's affairs to manage here.
One moment, sire. Pray whom shall we retain
To manage better your affairs in Spain ?
JAuAur .23, 1876.] FT N
LITTLE JOHNNY ON SOLDIERING.
A dream of glory and higi-favour. The man of inadequate inches .who
mistook his vocation. A' strategist in lack objects to an increase of the
estimates. The vanishing housemaid. Campaigns of the allied forces of
NYapoleon I. and the Duke of ,aambridge. The warrior's fool dog.
I TOLE you, some thing las time.a bout kings, and now linme a going
to tel a other lot a bout sojers, cos wen Ime big Ime a goin for a sojer
my own self with a red coat-and a belt, arid wen Mary, that's the
housetmade, sees me won't she.think Ime swel, that's all ? And then
Ile take my big saword and out of fellers which I dont likes heads and
say take that,-you wicked boys, you got to be tot that. 'Brit ones never
..never wil be 'elaves Then the Queen she wil sewot I have done,
and-sheiwil say'wot a brave sojer, make him a corpril, and rase his
wages, and give him ol the toffy which he can eat.
Once there was a little man'wich wontedd to go for a sojer,.andihe
went.to a crutin sargent, and he said I won to go ifor;asoer. ,The
sargent he said wot branch of the bissiness wude.ae like to- engage in,
and -the little-man said Ide like to be a calvary. "Then the.aargent
said-were-is your .horse, I can't make you be, a calvary without you
fetch, a horse, you got to be a infantry. Wen he- said. that the man
was hoppin angry as you everB-see, cos he thot infantrys:.was babys,
wich.aint so cos my cusin -Benvwas:ainfantry,-,and I no-he wasent
never a, baby. "zSo the little man he take of his cote.and dnbble up his
fis,.and he fot.the sargent,-..and, after he:had fot a wile the sargent he
luke;down and-siidmwereo:doesidt pain you, and'the.little man said Ime
a fitin,,that's were4t;painsane! Then the sargent said 0, that's how
it is, youwudemikke a.nice;sbjer,-wuddent you, to.,go and fite a offle
battle and ot-ttFhe enemykmanow itiyure oay'fit to 'be a sneakin die
A .,ptin'wich had lots of sojers ander him hb had em old dron up
in a row, and hbiaaid-yo. see them French meos, we got to liek em,
you go and pitch in. and they are sure to run a way. cos French mens
is cowerds, but ifthey dont its Bos they is too miny ofoem,'and you
mus run away. yare ownselfa or they will lick you. So the'.sojets
they pitched in, but the Fren,.h mes6 dident run, and the sojers they
got so excited thot they forgotAvwot the.. captin.bhad tole em, and dident
run, too, but stopt were they was and licked the French mans like
smoke. Then the captain he rote home to Parlyment and said I have
gain a big vicktry, you mus give me more pay and makee ma lord.
So they made him one, and give him a thousand hunderd acres of land
and a waggin lode of gold which the sojers had tuke. After that, wen
he was a setting in the House of Lords, some feller he got up and he
said I vote we give the sojers a other penny. a.week, cos they. licked
the French means. Then the captain he said I let sech a slandrin
insinewation pas for jest wot it is worth, but I wish to pint out that it
has been a very expensif war for the country, but 'if my noble friend
wude like like to pay the sojers. some thing out of his own pocket his own
self I can ony say that L think that's jestwot he at.
Las week our front dore, was a standing open, t and',a company of
sojers was a omin with a brs a omj with a bras band, and. father ,had jus comein, and
he met Mary, that's that's the house made, in the passage, and he was in a
gude humer, which he aint all ways, and he said Mary, I no wot you
likes to see, there is some s' ijers a- and wen he had got that far that
girl she had jus vanish like oat of. a gun, and my mother she sept out
of the dron room with the baby in her arms,. and father her he luked at
her, and then he luked at the baby, and .then he take of his
specktacles and wiped em, and-put em on. and luked. agin, and then
he shuke his head, and said wy, bles.my sole, I thot it.was Mary, you
go in the kitchen and telhe kitchen andtel her she may put onher hat and go .seethe
sojers. And wile he- was a sayin.it that girl- -she was jusa o-flinadown
the rode half a mile away tose-e ema. ..never see aigirLwichtwas
so soon as that Mary.
Books and news papers stocks a deel a bout it needs great
genius for captains to lick each other, and to take towns, but its ol
rot, cos you jus ot to see me and Billy a sojerin with sticks. Some
times weo says now that 'hen coop it-aint a hen coop, it is a fort, and
we wil play it holes ten million hunderd sojers, and every sojer has
their pocket ful of cannon bol and a cannon to shoot em with. Then
Billy says he, is Napolion. and Ime the Dock of Cambrige. Then he
says tentioni Dook, you stay were you are and let em have it as fas as
ever you can shute, wile I'flank.-em. 'Then wile Ime a givin it to em,
and a saying hooray, Napolion he, srounda em, and jumps rite onto the
coop with his saword-and-makes a finnish of it. We have attacked
that hen coop vl by our own' selfs more thanima hundred times, and we
tuke it eveiytime only ones, that-was wem a hemr was in it which we
hadent saww til' Napblian was a putting thegariserto the saword, then
she squockedaudilen,and we ran a way, cosswe dident no wet it was,
but that waaent fair play. "Unele -Ned ihe. said yesterday Johnny, you
better be satisfide with wot glory you have got,cos evry big aojer is
bound to meet his Waterloo some day if he keeps it up, you kno
Wellingten met hisn.
..Qaca therewas awojer which hada, dog,'aud he was a sassina other
man, the sojer was, and the other man he had a dog, too, and wen the
dogs they see their masters a quarlin they fot. Then the sojer he
went and tuk his dog by the coller and puld him a way and said I
never see seech a fool, all-ways a fitin about wot you don't under stand!
Then the other man said yes, some dogs makes fools o them self but
some men cant cos these fools all reddy.
THE OBLIVIOUS TENOR.
You bid me sing that simple song
I sang in older, happier days
(Before my memory went wrong),
When I could earn the .meed of praise.
Full gladly would I sing to you-
.In fact.the same was.amy design;
Bat, trust'nme, friend, I tel -you teae-
.I do nofrrecollect a line.
Words as you say, are no great use-
The melody's, the chiefest.thing;
,You'll take, you say, no>,weak excuse,
But-still insist that I,:shall simg.
Such kindness from your: hands I'ave.had,
.Thattorefuse I could not.dar9.;
To sing I should indeed be. glad-
But I can not recall the.,air.
Sing something, say yod ? a I would,
With .allimy heart, with. alli.myakill;
Somelyric light and bright;and good,
'Thatevery heart -with. joy nmust'li.
Right gladly would I do your-heat,
And make these, ancient rafters ring;
But you must learn- pray tell,the reet-
I've quite forgotten how: to sing.
York, you're wanted I"
THERn's a good thing 'inthe'wayof .local reporters growing up in
the county of acres. The Mlteon..'essenger,-employds were feasted
recently, and out of the fulness of hsheart and stomach one of them
says, in a descriptive account of the glorification, that "the wants of
all were well attended to, until gastronomic satiety admonished them
that they had arrived at the ultimate stage of deglutiti on consistent
with dietetic integrity, and then the cloth was removed." And not a
minute too soon if we may judge bythe effect already produced. To use
"hard words" in reference to 'such a- writer would be playing into his
,hands with a vengeance, and so -we merely saythat even more than
176,174 copies per day might be accomplished by some energetic pro-
prietors, if they would only cultivate the rising talent of the Yorkshire
East Riding. _______
'Multumn in' Parvo.
THE Conservative working, .men of 'Much, Wenlock had. a banquet
the other day, and one ofthe banners hung round the room. contained
the remarkable sentence, Prosperation to the Oorporation." We are
not aware whether the working men. orthe Welock '."liners" have to
be responsible for, this; but it would seem anyhow that Much.is a.term
better applied to the town than to thhe. brains-, ofthe. townsmen.
A GENTLEMAN engaged in.the.,healthy,,aad.,honourable pursuit of
pigeon-shooting, the other day missed his bird, but "landed an un-
fortunate spectator, killing him on the, spot. -ow that there is an
element of danger about, this pastime itifs likely to be.more fashion-
able than ever, the more so.as.the dangerisnot.to'the "noble. sports-
men" so much as to their admirers.
,THE Spaniards% at .their. own sweet .will,
Have soundedtheRepablio's knell.
If Don Alfonso rules them ill
They'll never get uhaf-on-so well.
Two members of .,the Dover Town Council have been indulging in
thep relaxation of calling each other, fools, ignoramuses, and such other
fancy titles. The people of lDoverrara not likely to believe either of
those gentlemen so such as both. rA4the iMayor said, "this is very
sad." wo d o o a
WIsE PaovisiomS.-Those on board -thaboata ofemigrant ships,
[JANUARY 23, 1875.
Mary;-"PLEASE M'M IS IT TRUE AS YOU'RE A-GOIN' TO BUY A GRAND PIANO? WILL IT BE A REAL GRAND LIKE THEY 'AS AT THE
'ALL? "-M.istress:-" WELL, YES, MARY; I BELIEVE SO, BUT-WHY?"
Mary:-" YOU SEE M'M, CO0 WHEN YOU WENT OUT I COULD PLAY IT TO KEEP THE CHILDREN QUIET."
OBLIGING A FRIEND.
PHILOSOPHERS zealous, and moralists, tell us
A virtuous deed is its own recompense;
And those who have tried it have rarely denied it;
The proverb they read in its literal sense.
The ills that befall us, the bonds which enthral us,
The troubles which over us daily impend,
Though sometimes they're sent for some vice that we went for,"
Are often the fruit of obliging a friend.
When first to your sorrow, in boyhood you borrow
A hundred or two, say at sixty per cent.,
In your ear whispers Jones, Can you help me to loans ?"
At first you say, "No," but at last you relent.
The bills have your name on, for years goes the game on,
Until with a crash the thing comes to an end.
You find, that the debt '11, be one you've to settle,-
You're crippled for years, through obliging a friend.
Suppose on a paper you fume, fret and caper,
And shut off the steam in a column of notes ;
Says Johnson, I wish you would, in your next issue,
Say Thomson still fraudulent companies floats."
For Johnson you do it, and quickly you rue it,
Your thirteen weeks' notice your editors send;
The libelled man meets you, kicks, punches and beats you,
You're sacked and you're whacked, through obliging a friend.
Open or Shut.
PERSISTENT borrowers of umbrellas may be interested in the following,
which appeared recently in a Kentish paper:-" Anyone returning or
giving information to Mr. Ashford, the umbrella that was taken
from there will receive the above reward." The reward is to be 1,
but why it is to be given to the umbrella remains an open question.
It strikes us the rightful owner knew how useless it would be to appeal
to aught but the umbrella itself, when he wanted it returned or
The Absolute Worst.
WHEN is a plumber not a plumber ?-When he goes sold(i)ering.
Price One Shilling.
TOM HOOD'S COMIC ANNUAL.
WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE FIRST ARTISTS.
Prite-d by J UDD & CO., Phlnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Doctors' 3ommons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.O.-LOndon, Jan. 23, 1875.
JANUARY 30, 1875.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 409.
So ho! So ho!
Is chuckled below,
When honour is bought with gold.
'Tis merry this show!-
Both buyer and seller are sold !
And the deeds of the great City Dii majors
Raise laughs at the Tempora, sneers at the Mores.
But tempera (pray for the better!) mutantur,
Tho' mores seem going down-hill in a canter.
1. A widow lay brooding on bygone days,
In a bleak bare room, that gave on the sky;
She cursed the men who, with promising phrase,
Had robbed her of all. She could only die.
'2. From the room below comes a joyous trill-
Some chorus-singer is trying her part;
And the notes of the gay composer fill,
With a soft sad peace, the suffering heart.
3. She slept. And in her dreams she sat once more,
Before her organ in the softened rays;
And high the children's voices seemed to soar
O'er earthly sadness in their joyous praise.
4. A crashing chord! And suddenly she woke.
A woman stood beside her- called her friend.
Her face was kind, and tenderly she spoke,
As she drew near, the dying life to tend.
5. 'Twas not for long! Her agony grew worse:
She prayed for pardon, as she pardon gave;
(_ With one wild shriek took back her bitter curse-
Her wronger's sin was buried in her grave.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 407. Fairy, Clown :
Frontignac, Anvil, Indigo, Row, Yawn., Correct :
Pipekop, Faithful Tommy, Chic, Boh, Mars, Ellen
Frances, Sairey Gamp, Sideropolitain, Lot-lot, G. R.
and 0. M., Two Pease, Northwich, Rodrigo et Frater,
Blue Silk Apron. Brice, Hoptop, Hammersmith, Mab,
Jessica, P. W. R., Little Fog Bird, K. M., Upham,
Lindis, MIr. G., Carrie and Liz, Nevarco and Dlareg, J.
C. W., Em, Jim, and Ted, T. A. M., Cruelty Reach, H.
and C., Pink Grasshopper, Peckham Pudding, Tommy
Wattle, Old Cider Eye, Ozone, Original Kittens,
Sergeant Major, Ruby's Ghost, Three Coritanians,
MY TRUSTED FRIEND.
A STORY OF CONFIDENCE.
HE was my best and most intimate friend. I know he was, because
he told me so about twelve times every hour-that is to say, on an
average, once in every five minutes. He conferred innumerable
favours upon me. He dined and drank at my expense; he ac-
companied me to theatres-where I was permitted to pay; he played
billiards with me at my club; and he even condescended to borrow my
money. Of course I was suitably grateful. He had a strong Irish
accent, and his name was Jones. We often used to parade the streets
together.' The fact of being associated with Jones gave me a sort of
importance which I, physically, could never command since the death
of my big dog, who was accustomed to drag me about town much as
though I was blind. I am not. I am only weak-minded.
But to my tale. We parted company some time ago, under condi-
tions I shall ever remember. I had always been honest, even if a trifle
foolish, in my dealings with my best friend and the rest of mankind.
But one day we met a stranger, with whom we soon grew acquainted.
He appeared to be even more weak-minded than 1 was. Said my
best friend, Jones, Let us teach this youth a lesson. You see, he is
a perfect fool! Flattered by the tribute to my superior intellect, I
at once fell in with his views. You have heard of the confidence
dodge,' said Jones, "let us try him at it. He has a fine gold watch
and chain; we will get him into conversation about honesty and confi-
dence: you will give me that fifty pounds you drew out to-day, your
watch and chain, and those diamond rings, to go away with, and when
I come back I will get all he's got from him. He's got a purse full of
notes and no end of gold.
Accordingly we carried out our plan. Jones took my purse, watch,
and rings, and left the victim and myself in the bar of a convenient
public-house. For an hour I waited the return of my confederate.
He came not. My face grew even blander than usual. Suddenly
the victim said,-" If you're waiting for Jones, you'd better go some-
Policeman:-" Now THEN; MOVE ON WITH YOUR CHILD."
Girl:-" SHAN'T; HE AIN'T MINE!"
Policeman:-" WHOSE IS HE THEN ? Girl:-" MY MOTHER'S, OF COURSE."
where else and look for him. Don't you see he's had you on his new
system of the confidence dodge ? "
From that day to this I have never met my friend Jones, and when
I meet the victim he laughs in my face. I think he knows where
Jones is, and that they divided the spoil together. But I'mtoo weak-
minded to tell him so.
AWFUL Mrs. Pittendreigh!
Quite a termagant is she;
Slangs her pa, defames her mother,
Sits upon her little brother.
Dread virago must she be-
Awful Mrs. Pittendreigh!
Let from chokey t'other day,
To her father's takes her way;
Rages through his calm keyhole,
Calls her ma bad names a shoal.
Pious pa much shocked must be-
Wicked Mrs. Pittendreigh!
He to Mr. Cooke, the Beak,
Went, protection there to seek.
But the Beak, within his shoes
Trembling, wholly did refuse
Such a "caution" more to see-
Savage Mrs. Pittendreigh!
Therefore, should I e'er desire
Thus to hick a dust up dire,
And to make the very Beaks
Feel the blood forsake their cheeks,
My example let her be-
Awful Mrs. Pittendreigh !
FPU OFFICE, Wedewsday, Jan. 27, 1876.
AN UNPLEASANT CONTRAST.
YET ANOTHER SCENE FROM HAMLET.
VE MUCH TO THE PURPOSE.
No Connection with the Other Shop.
HAMLET PRINCE OF FuNMA-ar (by kind Permission
of Himself) . . . By Hi isEl.
QUEEN (.er Nlatural Character) . .. MRS. BRITANNIA.
Finsr PICTUREn (Pius's Pamphleteer) ... .Ma. G.
SEcCOND PICTURE (the Asian Mystery) . Ku- D.
HAMLET. Look here, upon this picture, and on this,
The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.
See what a grace was seated on this brow.
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your husband. Look you, now, what follows:
Here is your husband; like a mildew'd ear,
Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes ?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And fatten on this moor ? Ha! have you eyes ?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment. .
What devil was't
That thus has cozened you at hoodman blind P
Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,
Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,
Or but a sickly part of one true sense
Could not so mope.
THErcabmen of London seem just now to be regarded with a rather
kindly eye by the public. Why they should at this moment be con-
sidered more worthy 6f pity and commiseration than usual we don't
pretend to say-perhaps because we don't look close enough into the
matter; perhaps also because we fancy that cabmen are, as it is, far
better off than the majority of far more deserving men. Why cabmen
should be picked out for special sorrowing-over, while 'busmen are
allowed to drive on unnoticed, and tram-car drivers are passed by with
scorn, is certainly to us a puzzle; and the only way in which we can
account for it is to suppose the excitement is created by those who are
least in the habit of riding, or attempting to ride, in cabs. We say
attempting advisedly, for unless a cabman is going in your direction, or
has amind to give you a friendly liftfor just double his fare, he in twelve
cases out of twenty considers himself an injured man, when hailed,
and drives steadily on, over you for choice-if you happen to be a
weak man, or a still weaker woman. Truth to say, there is.at the
present time, from prime ministers down to policemen, no class at once so
independent and extortionate as that of the London cabman. If any
one doubts what we say, let him take his chance, and hail a vehicle
which is being driven in a direction opposite to that in which it is
required to go, or the driver of which is going in search of refresh-
ment. Let the doubtful one, if he succeeds in propitiating the cabman
sufficiently, offer that worthy, at the end of the journey, what every
other man in the kingdom has to be satisfied with, his exact payment,
and then let him see, and hear, what a poor, harmless, unoffensive, long-
suffering man he has to deal with. We have no wish whatever to
stand between philanthropy and its rightful objects-far from it;
but while there are so many hardworking, starvation-enduring people
still in our midst, surely it is nothing but a mockery to pour forth
pity on the London cabman.
BEEiN a full and true accompt of a most wofull mishappe yt did
befalle Master Petre, yt did engage in a fraye wh. was foughten
about ye Deecrees of ye Vaticane ; contayninge alsoe ample pre-
sentement of ye cause wh. wrought ye sayd Petre hys greef.
Bolde Petre did putte Finger in ye Pye,
And him did hys Diocesane straight dish up ;
Scante need yrebee to aske ye Resone why,
For planely Petre couldn't dish ye Bishop.
Am I Right ?
WHAT is the difference between a Briton's liberty and his Foreign
Intelligence ?- One comes by right, and the other by Renter.
[JANUARY 30, 1875.
BENJAMIN'S BAITS; OR, CACOETHES SCRIBENDI.
THE Imperial. Parliament of Polyglotia was about to resume its
labour. There were three parties in Polyglotia: the Backwards,
the Forwards, and the,Much-Too-Forwards. The Backwards were in,
and not at all anxious to go out. All they had to dread was sys-
tematic Iud clever opposition on the part of their political antagonists.
They met together at the Tarleton Club, and Benjamin, their leader,
confided to them his plans for the future. As, one by one, he disclosed
his artful schemes, his followers chuckled and crowed. When all was
settled satisfactorily, a beer-barrel-the emblem of the party-was
brought into the room, and, with his hand upon it, each member of the
Backwards pledged himself to secrecy. Then Benjamin limped out of
the room as quickly as his gouty foot would let him.
Two days afterwards, in the wildest part of Muckinghamshire, an
elderly gentleman sat digging holes in the ground. Ever and anon
he shaded his eyes with his hands and scanned the horizon. The
horizon, not being the production of a modern laureate, yielded to the
operation, and then the old man whistled, and went to work again at
the holes. Presently he drew four jam-pots and four snuff-boxes
from the pockets of his Ulster. The jam-potswere labelled respectively
-" Greengage," "Strawberry,' "Raspberry and Currant," and
Orange Marmalade." Into each pot he emptied the contents of a
snuff-box. Then he re-labelled them--" Father," Mother, Wife,"
Baby," and buried a pot carefully in each hole. Perfectly satisfied
'with the result of his experiment, he returned to town and issued a
pamphlet, entitled, Successful Cremation of a Whole Family by a
Well-known Physician. Materials: A Box of Matches, and Four
Jam Po' s. Total cost, Fourpence halfpenny." The buried jam-pots
were v;.ied by thousands. The leader of the Much-Too-Forwards
took up the subject, and became absorbed in it. He renounced
politics, and took to cremation. He purchased a penny newspaper,
was rarely in the House, and expressed his determination to devote
the remainder of his days to advocating the new system of disposing
of the defunct.
One! murmured Benjamin, triumphantly.
The leader of the Forwards was still hale, ,and well, and dreaded.
The Forward party was scattered and disunited, but under his leader-
ship it would present a bold front to the enemy, and fight every inch
of the ground. But the great chief had a weak side, and Benjamin
knew it, and sent him a magazine containing an article which
proclaimed the Lord Chamberlain infallible in matters theatrical.
Instantly the great Forward plunged into the fray. Pamphlet
succeeded pamphlet-essay followed essay. Politics faded from his
view ; in the heat of the conflict, party was forgotten; statesmanship
and patriotic feeling were drawn into the vortex of controversy, and
buried beneath the sea of periodical literature. The once 'dreaded
leader announced his intention to retire from the House. He deter-
mined to devote the closing years of his life to the congenial pursuit of
hounding down the Lord Chamberlain.
Two !" chuckled Benjamin, gleefully.
Leader after leader came forward, shone for a time, and then
vanished from the haunts of politicians. For each some cunning hand
spread a net, and never failed to bag the game. One there was who
for a time seemed likely to make a stand, but Benjamin whispered
into his ear, Compulsory Vaccination," and he instantly retired from
the House and expressed his intention of spending the remainder of his
life in writing letters to provincial nonentities, and getting them
published in the newspapers.
Three whooped Benjamin, mirthfully.
What boots it to tell how, one by one, the Forward leaders deserted
their party to devote the closing years of their lives to eccentric
literature. Flogging settled one; the Shakers seduced another; a
third went on the Teetotal; a fourth lost his head on account of his
relationship by marriage with Royalty, and deluged The Times with
letters, signed Ass-toricus," upon the subject. As each seceded from
his post the wily Benjamin grinned a sardonic grin, and was exceed-
ing glad. The Backwards carried all before them, and the country
suffered. At last the country could stand it no longer. Benjamin
and his followers were imprisoned in the Reading-room of the British
Museum, where they were soon suffocated by the poisonous air. A
law was passed condemning any statesman who dabbled in literature
to death. The Tartarly Review was burned by the common hangman.
Several uncouth but practical politicians were imported from the
colonies, and Polyglotia was once more governed by the great
Forward party. For which Polyglotia was heartily thankful, for
if the Backwards had continued in power a few years longer, she
would have been destroyed beyond redemption.
LEOITIMATE drama has taken the place of Burlesque at the Opora
Comique. Why wasn't the first production "The School for i
Scandal," by Sheridan ? It would have been so very appropriate.
SONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.
V.-THE TRANSATLANT~ X GHOST.
ON finding some .spetre of commonplace worth
Parading unmeaningly over the earth,
One sneers at. the action-or holds it, at most,
A. levity, out of its place in a ghost:
For who can expect, with a spark of sagacity,
To serious sense
In spectres of limited mental capacity ?
But, oh! it is simply degrading to find
The ghost of a judge of superior mind,
Who ought to know better, indulging the fad!
It's worse than degrading-ineffably-sad!
What was the use of interring, him decently ?
Can it be wise,
If he's going to ri~,
Like he has done in America recently?
For a judge who's alive, in his dignified sleeves,
To be bored by a judge who is dead, and believes
His former decisions were bosh-and confesses it;-
Galling," sir, isn't the word that expresses it!
Farther; this posthumous lack' of tranquility,
Seen in a mind
Of so learned a kind,
Argues equivocal mental stability.
Much inconsistency lies at the base of it-
Look at the evidence borne on the face of it !
Then an usher in court, we are bound to reflest-
If adorned with a moderate sense of respect -
Might harbour some kind of indefinite doubt
In turning the erudite visitant out :
For, to an atom of simple humanity,
Knowing the grade
Of the eminent shade,
Lawful ejection would smack of profanity.
Ushers are mortal, and ghosts are too dire for 'em ;-
Spectres of ushers are what we require for 'em.
AN advertisement in The Times expresses the thanks of some pro-
vincial workhouse managers for a present from one of those anony-
mous donors who are the pride of eccentric England. The easy
slippers have been worthily bestowed on the oldest inmate. The
guardians gratefully acknowledge the cigarettes." Fancy a guardian
of the poor being grateful! We shall hear of a relieving officer being
good-natured next. All this is of a part with the present. Slippers
and cigarettes for paupers -why not bootjacks and brandy balls ?
Shades of Bounderby and Gradgind, whither are we drifting!
THE PavussTAN DRr.'--Sauer Kraut and Raw Herrings.
JONBLE v. TONG.
THIS cause was called last week, before Lord Chief Jester Funne.
The Plaintiff, a gentleman of independent means, doing business
in stocks and securities, prayed for an injunction restraining the
Defendant, a literary man, from acting any longer as his (Plaintiff's)
confidential adviser, and for such substantial and exemplary damages
as the Court might be pleased to award; the principal allegations
being breach of trust, corruption, and fraud. Mr. Fairpla, Q.O.,
instructed by Messrs. Justiss and Trooth, appeared for the Plaintiff;
and the Defendant was represented by Mr. Mercie, without instruction.
The first witness examined was Mr. Bubble, who seemed reluctant to
testify, but was shoved" into the witness-box by the shoulders.
Examined by Mr. Fairpla.- I am a floater. My business is to
organise honesty and promote virtue. I do not know the Defenanmt,
who is in another branch of the same business. Don't know what is
meant by breach of trust-.eiltto corruption; believe fraud is a garden
vegetable. Neverwas inParliament-of course not! Have heard:that
the Defendant was conftential adviser to the Plaintiff, but don't
believe it. Never gave him anything, directly or indirectly; am too
The Lord Chief Jester.-When did you first make the acquaintance
of the Defendant ?-I did not fetch my date-indicator.
The Defendant's counsel here put two small plugs of wa in. the
witness's ears, and objected. Objection overruled, and plugs remewed.
Mr. Fairpla.-Did you ever attempt to influence Defendant P-
Never, swelp me !
Never f-Only three four th assn pounds-I mean, at times.
Mr. Fairplal--What for P? lt was nsual.
What was usual f-To give him advice.
How was this advice usually given f-Sometimes written on the first
scrap of paper that came to hand, which was commonly a bank-note,
a cheque, or a share."
And did he always take suoh.advice f-He always action i:'awn
But he accepted the paper on -wliich the advice was smenixiedP-
How could he ? it was always laid on his doorstep, where- hwdidmot
even see it.
The Lord Chief Jester.-Then we are to understand that Def~ lkat
always acted conscientiously in advising Plaintiff what were the best
investments ?-The Plaintiff himself has said so a thousand times.
Somebody has put him up to this.
SMr. Fairpla.-I have no further questions to ask this witness.
Mr. Bubble at once floated out of the court-room, and burst outside.
The only witness called by the defence was the Plaintiff, who
testified as follows:-
My name is Jonble. I hawe known the Defendant long and ex-
pensively. In the preliminary examination-
The Lord Chief Jester.-I cannot permit the remotest allusion to
what occurred in another court where you were not the Plaintiff, and
Mr. Tong was not the Defendant. I will simply ask you one
question. From what you have heard, seen, and suffered, is your con-
fidence in the.Defendant really impaired P
Witness (stupidly).-Not a bit of it, but-
Mr. Mercie.-That is my case, my lord.
The Lord Chief Jester.-Well, it is not my case ; but the action is
dismissed, and Defendant is allowed his costs. As for the Plaintiff,
let him pay 500 for giving trouble, and be examined as to the state
of his mind.
I coNCEsis that an album is worse than the rest
Of all bothers and bores that a bard can detest;
And I think that the sister-or cousin-or flame-
Who possesses that album is nearly the same.
Just a stanza," said Someone, a day or two back;
For you know that you can if you please, Cousin Jack.
Sit and scribble some lines, before going to bed,
"On the very first thing that comes into your head."
So to think of a topic I painfully tried;
But I thought about thinking and nothing beside.
Should I write upon this ? Could I rhyme upon that f
What the dickens, in short, could I ever get at ?
.I discovered my brain was unworthy of trust,
And I threw down the album in utter disgust:-
Yet my brain-(if I have any brain, be it said)-
Was the very first thing that came into my head.
SItNS or THE TIMEs.- Rubery v. Grant and Sampson.
JANUARY 30, 1875.]
8F U N [JANUARY 30, 1875.
AN ILLOGICAL DE-DUCK-TION.
Fond Granny:-" Now THEN, POLLY, COME AND HAVE YOUR HAT ON, THERE'S A LITTLE DUCK."
Polly :-" SHAN'T! OTHER LITTLE DUCKS DO'T WEAR NONE-THERE NOW." (The rest of the argument is lost in outcries and dissolved in tears.)
THE POET'S CROWN.
Br A LUNATIC LAUREATE.
THE poet he sat in his easy chair,
With a loosen'd collar and tumbled hair;
The poet was pensive, and biting his thumb,
And the poet was sad, for the Muse was dumb.
In his eye was a tear, on his face was a frown,
For his wrath was up and his luck was down-
And he fell in a study that's known as brown;
For in all the town, not a single crown
Was his for the asking, until he had done
A couple of poems to sell for one.
The poet he turned and he twisted about;
His wife came in, and his pipe went out.
Then the baby woke and began to choke;
Two friends dropped in with the latest joke,
And filled their pipes, and puffed their smoke ;
Of the poet they spoke as a "rum old bloke,"
While they threw out a hint, they should stay to sup,
And they talked to the poet of chucking it up."
Then the poet he rose in his wrath and slew
His friends and his family, two by two.
Then the poet he sat on the corpse of his wife,
And scribbled some verse upon Married Life;
Then he cast his eyes on a bleeding friend,
And wrote of a good man come to his end;
While the battered babe, in the fender gave
A hint for an ode on an Infant's Grave.
Then the poet he laughed as he finished his verse,
With a pun upon coffin, a pun upon hearse,-
He laughed so loud that the roof came down,
And buried his verses and cracked his crown.
"Friends at a distance!"
AN advertisement in the agony column" of a daily contemporary
requests dear Tom-who must be a Tom of amazing ability-to do
something extraordinary. "Come immediately if you see this. If
not, come on Sunday." The only parallel we can find to this is in the
anecdote of the Irishman who, meeting a diddling" friend, said at once,
"I never received your letter asking for a loan of five pounds, or I'd
have sent it at once." By the way, this rather old story may enlighten
some of our friends as to our mysterious and otherwise unaccountable
A Gutteral Note.
Mn. FORSTER has expressed a hope that we may one day have a
ladder from the gutter to the University. Judging from the dirty
and disreputable appearance of some of the people- who haunt Fleet-
street public-houses, and boast of Oxford and Cambridge educations,
the other ladder-from the University to the gutter-already exists.
DOMESTIC PETs.-Matrimonial sulks.
IFU1 N .--JANUARY 30, 1875.
AN UNPLEASANT CONTRAST.
LOOK HERE, UPON THIS PICTURE, AND ON THIS.
JANUARY 30, 1875.] F 51
JOE BROWN THE OSTLER.
SPECIALLY INTERVIEWED BY OUR OWN REPORTER.
I'm but an ostler poor and rough,
Joe Brown by name ;
But trust I'm made of honest stuff,
Though bard of speech, of manners bluff,
And dreadful lame.
I've lived with horses all my days-
I love 'em so.
I know 'em better than the ways
Of men, and so let men's affrays
I might have been a richer man
If I'd been taught.
But ever since my life began
I've suffered from a kind of ban
Which sets at nought-
All effort which a man may make-
A man like mne-
E'en though his heart may nearly break :
For no one cares to notice take
Or listen; -see ?
Swells think that if I get my beer
I want no more.
P'r'aps they be right; but when they sneer
And say hard things when I am near,
It makes me sore.
It isn't that I want their thanks;-
Not me-oh no!
And yet I never play no pranks;
But then I'm low down in the ranks.
Both poor and low.
No one can say that I'm not kind
To all in here.
There's dear old Jemmy, nearly blind;
He's fond of me, as you will find.
See; he don't fear!
It's not because a fellow's cute
Or neat and nice
That he must be the man to suit.
Though 'tisn't right to crimes impute,
He may have vice.
Well, sir, I've nothing more to say,
Except good bye;
And that, whenever comes the day
That from the stable I must stay,
Be sure I'll die.
Tis SEWER MAN'S PARADIsE.-Flushing.
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE production of a new comedy by Mr. H. J. Byron is bound to
be an event of importance in the theatrical world, even when rumour
has not been hard at work enlisting the sympathies and exciting the
envy of all in any way likely to be interested. Therefore it is not
surprising that, on the first night of Our Boys at the Vaudeville, the
house was crowded to excess, and the audience was both excited
and impatiert. At the same time we are glad to record that it was
very good-natured, and that the shortcomings peculiar to a first-night
were often overlooked, while anytIhing in the way of ability received
at least itR due meed of recognition, both as regards the author and the
actors. It is so easy to criticise, and the constructive faults of our best
plays are so frequently pointed out by gentlemen who couldn't for
their lives construct anything but a column of cheap hysterical
twaddle, that we will be satisfied with saying, if Mr. Byron has not
given us a perfect structure, he has produced a comedy full of his best
qualities, and equal to the task of drawing both tears and laughter
from those who are not above such paltry weaknesses. The names of
the actors are of themselves sufficient guarantee that everything went
well; but it would not be fair to include Mr. David James in any
amount of collective praise. His rendering of the old butterman was
excellence itself; and if-as we believe-it is the duty of an actor
to be as like life as possible, then Mr. James has achieved a triumph
indeed. Of course all old playgoers will remember some one or other
who could have done better-we are thankful to see anything done so
well. Miss Cicely Richards also deserves special commendation for
her slaveyy." She would get "16 all found" in a minute if she
were not doing better. Mr. Warner, Mr. Thorne, and Mr. Farren,
Miss Larkin, Miss Bishop, and Miss Roselle were all equal to their
reputations, and may reckon themselves pretty free from rehearsal
for some time to come.
Due inspection seems to have settled all doubtful folk in the opinion
that Covent Garden pantomime, the Babes in the Wood, is the gem of
the season. There are not many people who are proof against the
attractions of a real right-down old-fashioned Christmas pantomime,
and those who don't go to the Garden while they can, may shed
bitter tears of disappointment when they find, once again, that the be-t
production is but a fleeting joy, and that, as the proverb says,
neglected opportunities make us old before our time.
Messrs. Maskelyne and Cooke, who had already eclipsed all rivals,
past, present-we had almost said, and to come-have gone a step
still further in advance, and invented an automaton, the like of which
has never before been seen or even heard of. Psycho is a perfect
marvel of ingenuity; and if Mr. Maskelyne would only go one step
further, and take out a patent for the construction of model domestic
servants of all descriptions, we feel sure he would be perfectly suc-
cessful, make a fortune in less than no time, and be-though this
might hardly meet his views-a boon to society. Those cool people
who make it a rule never to be astonished at anything, and have
always a theory as to "how it's done," will find their coolness and
their ingenuity fairly put to the test by "Psycho," who promises us
still more than he has so far achieved. Fritz Renhard, though
alive, and consequently not nearly so interesting as Psycho,"
possesses claims on all sightseers; and the old tricks are now presented
in a dramatised form, merrily and almost miraculously carried out.
One of the characters, that of a stage Irishman, is excellently per,
"WHY such a fuss ?
And wherefore thus
Kick up a legal bobbery ?
Try ev'ry move
You ne'er can prove
That Rubery meant Robbery.
A LECTURE is advertised in Baltimore, U.S., entitled, A C6mpari-
son between the Christian and the Pagan Woman." We do not
know in what they are to be compared; in respect of morality, the
Christian- if he is a fair sample-will have rather the better of it,
but in point of beauty there is simply no comparison: the average
heatheness can discount him.
A Burning Shame.
A RaurrAw was recently charged at the Thames Police-court with
burning a woman's face with a lighted candle. The magistrate,
probably thinking that a light offence deserved a light punishment,
gave him six weeks. When the vivicremator has done his "short
six" he might set a few magistrates on fire. Some of them want
52 F U N [JANUARY 30, 1875.
THE OLD GENTLEMAN WHO GAVE HIMSELF
I HAVE often thought that railway accidents, when courted, recoil
upon those who seek them.
There was a rich old bachelor who wasn't actively wicked at the
commencement of this story, but he wanted to get rid of the usual
host of relations who waited to be his heirs, without killing them
himself. I have some delicacy about introducing crime here, because
this story is not intended for the young-if it were it wouldn't matter.
There are plenty of bloodthirsty tales of dreadful murders committed
upon ogres by such ruffians as Jack (of the Beanstalk) and Hop-o'-
my-thumb ; yet, who ever heard of any youthful reader putting aside
his book, and going off and killing an alderman-or anyone else ?
Well, this old gentleman's hungering relatives dogged his steps
wherever he went, armed with little presents of pin-cushions, and
porpoise boot-laces, and chocolate-creams; and it gradually dawned
upon him that his very irritating habit might be made the means of
attaining his end-that is their end. So he made inquiries, and found
that very fast trains ran daily to the North; and in a few days letter
arrived from him for one of his relatives in London, bearing the
post-mark of Aberduilhputtimuchettie in the Highlands. All the
relatives went down by the next fast train, and arrived safely, but the
following day the old gentleman had left them all in the North ; and a
week or so later they got a telegram from him, begging their
immediate presence in London. They went up by the next fast train,
without an accident. The old gentleman never travelled by train-
he always did the distances in cabs, in spite of the difficulties with
the drivers, who said it was out of their radius. He travelled thus
all over England in course of time; so did his heirs expectant-by the
next fast trains-but they were never smashed. So the old gentle-
man decided to launch out into actual crime-(I don't seem to have
any scruples about introducing actual crime into this story now: I
am so anxious to see what becomes of the naughty old gentleman).
He confided to his relatives his intention of travelling by the next fast
train, somewhere: they accompanied him, of course; but he, being a
proud old gentleman, insisted on having his first-class compartment
to himself. Desperate resolves had seized him. He was insured for
large amounts in case of injury; and he got out on the way and
bribed the engineer to let him drive the engine. (We shall never
hear of the engineer again; he immediately ran down the embank-
ment, vaulted over the fence, and set sail for Australia.) Then he
drove the train up against posts, and round signal-boxes, and up
and down steep embankments, until a dreadful accident occurred-
but no one was injured; only the rich old gentleman was missed
from his compartment; and, as they could only conclude he was killed
and lost, all those heirs of his divided his property among them.
For the best of it was, the wicked old gentleman, disguised as an
engine driver, didn't dare to reveal his identity, for fear of an action
by his insurance company for wilfully attempting to injure himself to
secure compensation. (He hadn't thought of this!) As it was, the
railway company reprimanded him, and changed him to a porter, in
which capacity he is contented and cheerful, and hopes in time to
become a guard-perhaps even a station-master.
Note by a Distrawt Joker.
IT is said that drowning men catch at straws; but straws, in gin
slings and other strawng drinks, are caught at by men who merely
wish to drown-their sorrows.
JANUARY 30, 1875.] F U N 53
LITTLE JOHNNY ON BABIES.
Johnny objects to the imposition of hands. The uses of wax in melting
and refining. The babe that ate a door. .An unholy alliance. Un-
bottling a skinful of childhood. More Gaffer Peters. Unexpected
effect of a sensational story on its author. His subsequent recovery,
and distinguished valour. Twins, instinct, and poison. Johnny,
bitten by the monkey of poetical inspiration, produces a lullaby of novel
merit and sets himself to dreaming deceitful dreams.
BABIES paint big enuf to lick, or you wude see me a pitching in to em,
I can tel you, for I dent like em, but wen you luke at one, and see em
so little, you say now if I was to take of my cote and give you a good
thrassin you cudent help yourself, so maybe you cant help being a
nuisance, too. That's wot I say wen our baby puts its gummy hands
onto my face wen Ime made to set and mind him, but you jest wait
til he gits as big as me, so it wude be a fair fite, and then see wot Ile
do, that's all! I spose I like that little feller, like Ime tole to, but
wot does he put his gummy hands for in my face wen I kiss him ?
I no were there is a baby which is a lot older than ourn, but not
morn halef so big, and it cant wok, and it cant tok, but sech dresses as
that baby wears wude make yure head swim. It is in a shop windo,
and it is made of whax. Fore my sister was, marred to her young
man and went to live in her new house me and her used to pas that
windo, and I was for stopping, but my sister she wade pul me a long
and say wy, its been there ever since we come to live here, only some
times its close is change, wot ever can you see to like in that thing,
they better wosh the dirty spots off its nose. But yester day we was
a going a past agin, and she stopt and luke a long wile, and she said 0O
you darlin wee sweet, if you was a live I wude jus bi you and eat you
every mite up, wot dear little freckles on its funny nose! Now wot
do you, think of that, it flores me !
I spose babies is different from fokes cos they dont no no better, but
if I was them you wudent cetch me a putting every thing in this world
into my mouths, I can tel you, like ourn does. Mary, that's the house
maidi, she was a only chile wen she was to home, and she use to have
dols, but she never see a meat baby real cloce til she come to our
house,, and that girl was jes astonish ol the time to see wot baby wude
do, and it was morn a munth fore she wude tuch it. One day Mary
she come a bustian in the dinin room wen it was dinner, wite like a
sheet, and hardly any breth, and she said 0, if you pleas, mum, babby
has went and et the nursry dore every bit up, ol but jes the nob, but
wen my mother she went to see wot was the matter it was only father
had tuke of the dore to mend it, and baby was a suckin a round paper
wate. Sech a girl! ,
Once there was a man which had a baby, and the man diddent have
no wife, cos she was dead, and a woman she had a baby too, but no
husband, cos he haddent turned up, or hAd run of, or may be he was
dead too. And the man he said if yule mary me Ile mary you, then
my baby wil have a mother to mix its milk, and yourn wil have a firs
rate father to rassel round and git things. So they done it, and they
was put in jale, cos it is wicked to give babies fathers and mothers
which may be they wudent like if they kanew em.
I have a other thing to tel you a bout Mary, that's the house maid.
Wen she firs come to live with us one day Uncle Ned he was a plain
with baby after luncheon, and he had the cork of a ale bottle a stickin
on the cork scru, and he was a lettin baby take it in its mowth.
Mary she come in wile he was a doing it, and she see him pul it out
quick, and she ran in the kitchen as fas as ever she cude and brot
Uncle Ned a tumbler on a tray Tween me and you I dent bleeve
that girls got any thinker!
One day my father was a reading some thing out loud which he had
foun in the Daly Tellygraft about baby farmin, and ole Gaffer Peters,
with was there, he herd til father got done, and he said he went in
for a law -to keep the squires from leasin their land to the farmers
for sech wile perpesses, cos, for his part, he didden see any differnts
be tween planting babies and buryin em like they was dead, and he
bleeved it was jes done to git rid of em, cos how cude babies come up ?
There was a man and his wife and their little baby, and they lived
by their selfs in the woods, ten hundred thousand miles from any
other house. The man he .hunted deers with a gun, and the woman
she stade to home to mind baby and cuke the meat. And one offle
dark nite the man haddent come home, and the woman she new he
had got lost, and was kil by sabbages, and et by a wile best, and she
was a frade. Bime by, way in the nite, she herd some thing like a
little chile a cryin, and a cryin, out side in the dark, some times on
one side of the house, and some times not, and she said it was a
spirit which had come for her baby, so she set in the middel of the
room and hugged her baby,'and was friten mose to deth. And the
Thing hep a cryin, and a cryin, til her blud run cole, but her baby
was a sleep in her arms, poor thing. At las she herd a nois at the
windo, and she luked up and hollered, for she see two grate eyes a
lukin in thru the glas, like coles of fire, and Ime that friten I cant rite
any more, cos its nite, and Ime.a lone, weres my mother.?
Ive foun Uncle Ned, and he has lit his pipe, and he says drive a
head, Johnny, if you conjer up a fitin demon Ile stan by and see fair
play, wel-jus then there was a gun, for it was a panther, and the man
had come home and shot it. But wen he went in the house his wife
diddent kno him, cos she had went mad, and she had hug the little
baby so tite it was dead.
If Ide been her yude a saw me git the poker and wok state up to
the windo, and Ide a said Mister Panther, if you carry fire in your
eye sit has got to be poked, and Ide a let him have it as fur in as I cude
make it go, and said hooray But Uncle Ned he says wot wade I
done if I had see a notice on the windo like at the Zoo, dent worry
the animals ?
Two babies wieh is jest a like is twins, but Missis Jonsin she tole
me a offle crammer, for she said hera was twins, which aint so, cos I
have seen em, and one is a girl. May be the other is a twin, but a
twins no good. with out it has got a mate, its like a pare of boots wen
one has been give to the poor, who wants the other ? I don't kno how
fokes which has twins gits on for there wudent be enuf things in the
house for two babies to put in their mouths. My father he says
babies putting things in their mouths is a instinct, cos in a natcherel
state they wude haf to eat lot of things which they wude find, or they
wude starve, but I think they mite ol most as wel starve to deth as
Ourn is named Frank, and I have rote some poetry which is for
mother to sing him to sleep wen he wude rather stay a wake and
hammer the legs of the pean 0 with a bottle of colone.
Seepity, seepity, Fankity Fank,
Button its blu eys up, hanky pank pank;
Sech a rum baby no body aint got,
And if they wade say so, wy that wude be rot.
Lully boy, lully boy, snority snore,
Wen it wakes up it shal orol on the flore,
Sech a rum baby no body aint see,
And if they wade say so they got to fite me.
Hooray wont my mother jus go wild with happy when I sho her
that, and say I made it ol my ownself, you mus git it by hart real
quick ? And wont she say Mary, that's the house maid, you come
this minit and mind these egs a bilin, cos I got to put baby to sleep,
poor little feller, he is so tierd!
THE noble savage, like his kind,
Preferred to eat his victuals raw:
Some said it was his strength of mind,
And others, 'twas his strength of jaw.
His happy climate being hot,
There was no need to boil the pot.
But here, in Britain's chilly clime,
Thermometers go up and down.
One is absurd and one sublime ;
One a tragedian, one a clown.
Of brats each owns a precious lot,
And so these sticks must boil the pot.
The painter scumbles in his tints,
And daubs away from day to day.
His friends drop in, with many hints,
And dub him proximate R.A.
His pictures may be good or not,
But still the canvas boils the pot.
When Music -heavenly maid !-was young,
The barrel-organ was unknown:
Of old she kept a silent tongue,
Of late she started Mendelssohn.
And princes now have fiddles got-
Some wish they'd make them boil the pot.
Galls and gum-arabic compose
The fluid forming many a book:
It may be poetry or prose-
You'd better in the pages look.
The writer may be hanged or shot;
But while he lives will boil the pot.
Long may the doctor live and thrive
To give us nostrums while we ail,
And keep us gently just alive,
Or not alive, to tell the tale.
The undertaker's horse will trot,
And he must boil his gallipot.
Of poetry I fain would speak,
And speak I do with aching heart.
I have not tasted food this week,
My editor declines to "part."
These verses, now-you like them not-
Pray goodness they may boil the pot.-'-
[JANuARY 30, 1875.
"DOMUS ET PLACENS UXOR."
Mrs. W. (elderly lady, fond of hard words, to newly-married neighbour) --" I no so LOVE TO SEE TOUNG COUPLES FOND OF EACH OTHER,
MRS. MEEK; BUT (apologetically), I WAS THINKING YOUR HUSBAND SEEMED RATHER TOO UXORIOUS."
JMrs. M. (seriously, but under a slight misapprehension) :-" INDEED, MRS. WILLIS, THAT'S HIS ONLY FAILING; I'M SORRY TO SAY THAT
TWICE LAST WEEK HE HAD TO BE BROUGHT HOME IN A CAB !"
DOTS AND LINES.
GREAT meeting of bishops at Lambeth. Gin a bishop meet a bishop
up in London town, gin a bishop treat a bishop (say at the Alhambra
or the Argyll) need a bishop frown ? = Ejection match between an
archdeacon and a rector. Rector has now some vague notion of
archidiaconal functions. So have we, but still they're vague. =
Rumoured loan of three millions and a half sterling to Prince
Napoleon and the Empress Eugenie. More rumour than ready money
about this, we fancy. = Conclusion of The Times libel case. Jury's
conclusion the only one in reason. All the harder for them to arrive
at it. = Mr. Charles Reade calls the editor of the Leeds Mercury a
liar, a coward, and a blackguard." Yet this is the author who brings
actions for libel against those who dare to dissent from his literary views.
He'll have plenty of work cut out now. = Henry Ward Beecher a
greater favourite than ever. Pew rents gone up twenty per cent.
He's a very ungrateful man if he doesn't cut up the extra with
Tilton. = King Alfonso enters Madrid on horseback. Don Carlos
says he'll go in a gold coach-when he goes. = Peterborough Court
patronises Printing House Square, in referring to the recent libel case.
This must be the most unkindeAt cut of all." = Seventeen hundred
brokers in the City. Some one had better now give us the number of
A PLEASANT CHANGE.
A PRETTY little girl I know,
As pretty as can be ;
I love the little darling so,
And she is fond of me.
But one thing galls me sadly-
Her name's unpleasant tones.
"Jane" doesn't sound so badly-
But I can't fancy Jones."
I told her my disliking strange-
She laughed a little laugh,
And said she'd often wished to change
The both-offending half.
Result: one finger gladly
A golden circlet owns.
Jane doesn't sound so badly-
Now we've got rid of Jones."
Price One Shilling.
TOM HOOD'S COMIC ANNUAL.
WITH NUMEROUS ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE FIRST ARTISTS.
FOR BREAKFAST. -.-rTT"
J.]LJ '_ --FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Deco,d.' Commons. and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.O.-Lendon, Jan. 30, 1875.
FEaaukAv 6, 1876.J
THE BELLS OF SAINT MARTIN'S.
LYING as close a captive here
As Damiens on his bed of steel,
Restless [ turn and lend an ear
To ev'ry fast-revolving wheel.
My spirit would be all unmanned
In silent or suburban gloom;-
But in the gay and giddy Strand
My Cockney soul hath elbow-room.
I cannot walk; I cannot stir;-
Save now and then from side to side.
My fate, should any fire occur,
Simply consists in getting fried.
I read by day, and watch by night
The dancing shadows on the wall.
My life, though not an Eden quite,
Seems not unpleasant, after all.
On Thursday nights at eight o'clock
Begins my jolliest of times.
My cradled slumberings to rock
Ring out Saint Martin's merry chimes.
My head may throb, my bones may ache:
But-when those happy bells begin-
I murmur (only half awake),
Peace to the soul of Nelly Gwynne "
The ringers there, across the way,-
Who bid the cheering metal speak,
Receive, as portion of their pay,
A leg of mutton once a week.
Poor Mistress Eleanor, good soul,
Bequeathed this banquet in her will.
Although a sinner on the whole,
With all her faults I love her still.
I greet with joy (as many must)
The merry, merry bells of Yule;
And never was averse, I trust,
From any others, as a rule.
But none will ever match the mirth
My favoured belfry's clangour yields.
Of all the chimes on all the earth
Give me Saint Martin's in the Fields.
A Foot Note.
A GENTLEMAN advertises his willingness to exchange a
cork leg for a revolver. This is the nearest approach to
the old law of retaliation we have seen for a long time.
It isn't an eye for an eye-but it's a leg for an arm.
DOTS AND LINES.
DISTURBANCEs in Siam. Daily papers seize the opportunity to
reprint the history of "that great country." Cheap. Bishop of
Manchester speaks out like a Christian and a gentleman on the sins
of the labourer. Rather too hard though to make him pay for his
opinions in half a column of doggrel drivel. = Rumour that the late
City Editor of The Times is to start a new financial daily paper."
Doubtless it will be called the M. B." Death of Charles Kingsley.
Good men are getting rapidly scarce. But this is no joking matter.
Our regrets are many, our sorrow great. =, Difficulty in defining the
legal meaning of gentleman." Lord Coleridge brought it to a very
low condition. The casual wards are, according to him, full of gen-
tlemen.= Death through the bite of a dog. The dog it was who
died." Of poker on the brain. Ten thousand pounds given
anonymously for the promotion of university education among Not-
tingham men. Better have given it for the promotion of university
education-among university men. = Resignation of a judge. Re-
signation also of those who hope for the appointment. = Arrival of
the Grand Duke Serge. Being from Russia, he might more appro-
priately have been called Frieze. = Overdone memorial for the sup-
pression of vivisection. Ruskins rush in where surgeons scorn to
tread. = Conservative condemnation of bloated armaments."
Liberal condemnation of bloated arguments. We shall have them
wholesale, though, very shortly.
Wonderful, if True.
THE Xorth Wilts Herald goes into what, at first sight, seem unac-
countable ecstacies over a volume of posthumous poems. On nearer
inspection, however, we find that the author of them was born at
Dundee in 1871, and died at Liverpool, from an attack of typhoid
fever, in 1869." Under such circumstances the production of poetry
is rather remarkable, and we were wrong again, as usual, to question
the reviewer's raptures.
NO PLEASURE UNALLOYED.
aged Boy :-" THAT'S WHAT I CALLS A GOOD PIGgER, BILL. WHAT A
LOT HE MUST HOLD!"
Bill:- "AH, BUT I DESSAY HE'D GIVE A TANNER NOW TO BE AS 'CNOHY
AS YOU NOR ME."
A TEMPERANCE LYRIC.
IN this degenerate drunken time,
When all is wrong as wrong can be;
When lots of people stoop to crime,
And some take spirits in their tea:
It glads my heart and joys my soul,
To see laid out on friendly trays-
From which we taste without control-
The tea and buns of boyhood's days.
The drunkard takes his two of gin-
Puts brandy, even, in his milk;
And finds himself so short of tin,
His wife puts cotton on for silk.
Why will they not the lesson learn-
Believe me, worthy friend, it pays-
To simple fare to make return,-
The tea and buns of boyhood's days ?
Come, fill my cup with hot Bohea!
Come, load my plate with temp'rance fare !
I'll hear the parsons disagree-
In short, do everything but swear.
Where Templars good consume their food,
1 love to listen and to gaze;
And watch them gorge, in gentle mood,
The tea and buns of boyhood's days.
Latest from the Clubs.
THE journalist who, at the peril of his life, rescued a lady from the
clutches of a cockroach at the Ludgate Restaurant, intends to issue an
account of it in three volume form, and afterwards to dramatise the
book. The Lyceum is spoken of in connection with the play, and
Mr. Irving will in all probability create the part of the cockroach.
[FEBRUARY 6, 1875.
FUN OFFICEY, Wednesday, Feb. 3, 1875.
A REAL REPRISAL.
A DIRTY little boy we knew,
And Johnny was his name.
He older but no wiser grew-
Still played a dirty game.
Yet he never could see that he wasn't quite beautiful,
Lovely, and sweet, and as clever as ten.
fe never was wrong, not he-never undutiful-
Nothing was he but the wisest of men.
So fond of saying spiteful things
Grew Johnny day by day,
That, wounded sore by sneers and stings,
His friends were in dismay.
While all of his foes chuckled loud and ne'er cared for'him,
Laughing to find him so wilfully wrong;
"His bosom friends seem to be specially spared for him-
So he may fancy he's clever and strong."
At last he got a dreadful blow,
Which brought him down with crash;-
He tried his tricks on Bobby Lowe,
And came an awful smash.
For Whiteheaded Bob is a rum 'un to round upon
Fellows who haven't the mind for a fight-
Fellows who strike, and then grovel the ground upon-
Fellows who live hut to spit out their spite.
Said Bobby, You began on me
Without of cause a grain :
I fancy even you'll agree
I've not struck back in vain.
Out of the way then, or under my bicycle,
Johnny, I'll smash you a flounder as flat.
As a rule I'm as cool-yes, as cool as an icicle--
But damme i'm warm now-you'll not forget that! "
THE ill-feeling recently engendered in the postal service, owing to
the Postmaster-General's miserable muddling, offers a painful subject
for the consideration of all fair-minded and honourable men, be they
Conservative or Liberal, or indeed of any shade of politics. The Post
Office is perhaps the only branch of the Civil Service which has any
peculiar claim on the sympathies of the English people at large. The
most decided opponent of what are known as Civil Service institu-
tions has rarely a word to say against the Post Office, or anything that
has grown out of it. This it. This is, perhaps, because of all the services
under Government there is none in which so much work is given
for so little money, by the general run of employes, as in that which
has its head-quarters in St. Martin's-le-Grand. As a rule, badly paid,
overworked, and uncomfortable, the Post Office officials are the very
antithesis of the typical Civil Servant, who is highly salaried for
doing nothing, and is, as a rule, always impertinent, and sometimes
condescending, to the public, his master. The Post Office workers have
always borne their lot unflinchingly, and if they have at any time
asked for a slight improvement, it has been because such improvement
was almost absolutely necessary to their existence. But now their
deepest depth has found a lower still, and they are subjected to a
persecution not only insolent but injurious, as well to the country at
large as to the immediate sufferers. And this at the hands of a man
who, by a subtle irony, is supposed to be their chief and leader-who at
all events draws a handsome salary for causing heartburning and
dissension among the people whom he is supposed to govern. This is
true Conservative reaction. A scion of nobility, who has never done
or said a single clever thing in his life, is placed in a Ministerial
position of rank and responsibility, and almost at once he commences
to torture men who are as far above him in merit as he is removed
from them by the accident of birth. It must be hard indeed on any
of these troubled sorters if, among other recollections, they can call
to mind the time when they longed for a Conservative Government, and
for a race of rulers who regard hard work and ability as their natural
Taken with Fradellity.
IN another page we give some portraits of gentlemen generally seen
at the theatre on a first night. They are not of the kind mostly
described in the lines of our disappointed free-lister, and so we take
the opportunity of thanking Messrs. Fradelle and Marshall, of Regent-
street, to whose courtesy we are indebted for the selection.
THE resignation of Mr. Gladstone need not affect the Liberal Party.
The clever young men of Peterborough Court are prepared to furnish
it with fresh leaders daily, if required.
AUGSPUR THE PRODIGAL.
His RETURN, EXPERIENCES, AND PROMISES OF AMENDMENT.
SIR,-I dare say you have been considerably astonished at my not
sending in any copy recently, and though you have not written to
ask me for any, I feel sure in my own mind that your regrets have
been both hearty and sincere. Therefore, with that feeling of true
friendship more honoured in the breach than the observance, I don
my sporting suit and recommence my mild career. It is singular, but
none the less true, that I never write well upon sporting subjects
unless I wear a commensurate costume. As soon as ever I get into
the clothes I use for the consideration of current and future events I
am a racy writer indeed. I'll tell you what the suit is, if you like.
It's a cutaway coat with pockets on the hips and brass buttons, a
pair of Bedford cord trousers with doubled faked seams, patent
leather boots with lirge white pearl buttons, gold spurs, a double-
breasted red plush waistcoat, an elegant snake-pattern neck chain
wound in and out, and a bunch of seals, a cashmere shawl, and a
jockey's cap of green satin with a gold tassel. Now I think that if
anyone will deny my ability to write sporting after this, all I can say
is, let him go to the office of a sporting paper, and see if any of the
writers there dare exhibit their talent and their taste in the same
Why I refer you to the sporting papers themselves is because
during my temporary, but by no means enforced, retirement from these
columns, I have been doing a little in the way of real sporting for a real
sport "a piiper. I can't say I got on very well with those with whom 1
expected Lu be able to call my comrades. They said I wasn't up to
thu in,, k, and that I was rather too good for them. Which -I firmly
believe; because you can't make a silk purse out of a sporting writer's
ear, as the old proverb says, nor can you enter upon a gentlemanly
state of being at the same time that you enter upon the possession of
a newspaper. I know a man who has been trying awfully, as well as
lately, to show that the proper way to get the betting returns from
Boulogne is to go to Whitechapel for them. He might, as I told him, just
as well try to be regarded as a gentleman because he wore diamond studs
and a valuable ring, and employed one or two clever as well as humorous
people to lick the dust off his boots every morning. Still at the same
time, as he remarked in answer, there would be a good deal more of
the gentleman about him than about servants who would do anything
they were ordered without stopping to consider whether their souls
were their own-while he was present-and would then say unkind
things about him behind his back. So you may take this as a hint
that the new service didn't suit me immensely; and as I have still
a small portion of independence in my composition, I am returned to
the paper I love so well, and to the editor who has grieved so much
during my absence.
But all this, as they say in the novels, by the way. I wished prin-
cipally to inform you to inform yo that I am about to write a sporting drama,
which I calculate will be of a most enthralling description. It will
begin with the Two Thousand Guineas, take in the Derby, and end
with the Leger. It will contain horse races, race horses, spectators,
speculators, noblemen, policemen, k'rect cards, hansom cabs and real
water. Like all my other work, this has been done with a purpose. I
have noticed that sport and the drama are almost inseparably asso-
ciated. Look at the sporting papers! See how they blossom forth
with dramatic criticism on any and every possible occasion. Look at
the marvellous manner in which it is done, too! I believe that every
sporting reporter is a heaven-born dramatic critic ; and, what's more,
that he knows it. Such is the connection between the turf and the
theatre ; and, taking advantage of my knowledge, gained by accurate
observation of a paper which believes it-elf to be at least twice as often
and four times as good as eny other sporting organ, I am about to
produce my drama. As I shlt,1 have seven champion critics, and seven
specimen sporting writers, seven combinations of the two, and seven
special commissioners, who fight a terrible battle on the Epsom race-
course, to decide whether the Grand Stand shall be devoted to dramatic
performances or be retained for horseracing purposes, of which
only two of the combatants come forth alive, I am strong in the
hope that I shall not only make much money by my play, but that
ages yet unborn will consider me a benefactor of my species.
I had intended, when I set out, to analyse a good share of the
present year's racing prospects. I had hoped to discover the winner
of the Lincolnshire Handicap, as well as the first three in the Liver-
pool Grand National; to have named the four best horses in the Two
Thousand Guineas; and to have pointed out a certain way of hedging
with great glory and ultimate success over the Derby. But here I
am, at the end of my article- just one more proof of the fallacy of
leaving the sporting I do understand, for the literary work at which I
am at best but a pretender. This is another of the results of being
over ambitious; but I will do better next time. In the meanwhile,
believe me, sir, to be,-Yours sporto-currenteventially and dramatic-
critically, ______________ AvGSPUR.
THE FORCE OF INTELLECT.-Police Intelligence.
SONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.
VI.- JUDICIAL SEVERITY BUT SUBSEQUENT
A JUDGE, I'm bound to confess with shame,
Is a thing I've never seen;
But I got this tale from an aged dame
Who lives at Turnham Green :
It tells of a judge of weight and fame
In the Court of P. and D.;
In the Court of Thingummy What's-its-name,
Or possibly Equitee:
(I've Coke upon Somebody" on the shelf,
But I don't know much of the law myself.)
But say it was equi-say it was equi-
Say it was equitee.
Though I seem to fancy it's nice and right
For legal people to be polite,
This judge's civility, I confess,
Appears to have run to wild excess-
(I never could tell how far one's love
Of politeness ought to go :
But the elderly lady named above
Is pretty well sure to know.)
He used to sit on the bench, or bar,
Or possibly on the dock-
'My scraps of technical learning are
A terribly scanty stock.
A terribly scan-a terribly scan-
A terribly scanty stock !
He'd crush the prisoner's soul with sneers,
And send him to gaol for a thousand years :
But when he had done it his heart would swell,
And tears would get in his eyes;
And he'd sneak to the prisoner's lonely cell,
And then he'd apol-o-gise.
No choice urbanity marks my mien-
It's one of the things I need ;
But that old lady at Turnham Green
Is very polite indeed.
Is very polite- extremely polite-
Oh! very polite indeed.
He'd blight his future with deepest ban,
And brand himself as the worst old man-
The shabbiest owl and the vilest scum-
With harrowing grief and sighs :
And the prisoner, dreadfully overcome,
Would beg him to wipe his eyes.
Although to weep is a thing, of course,
I never attempt to do;
That queer old lady gets really hoarse
With weeping enough for two.
With weeping enough-with weeping enough-
With weeping enough for two.
And after a bit, one windy night,
He felt so sorry and so polite,
That he let some prisoner sneak away;
And directly the doors were banged,
He dressed himself in the man's array,
And, I'm sorry to say, was hanged.
I've never been hanged myself-not quite!
And never intend, as well:
But whether that elderly lady might
I'm bothered if I can tell-
Fm bothered if I-I'm bothered if I-
I'm bothered if I can tell.
A STORY 'WITH THREE MORALS.
ONCE upon a time there lived a King named Smith. Now this King
had a wife whom he dearly loved, not because she was good or beauti-
ful, but because she bathed his head when he got drunk and gave him
good things to eat, and because she hated talking. In spite of these
perfections, however, she was exceedingly jealous, and never let the
King go out of her sight. Whenever he went to a play or to a music-
hall she went too; and she always made him put on old clothes, and
she brushed his hair the wrong way and smutted his face, so that the
girls should think him old and ugly, and not wink at him. So when
she bore him a pair of twin male sons-both boys-the King was glad,
for he was artful, and said to himself, Now my missus has kids to
look after I shan't have her always tacked to my tail." He was so
glad, that he kept on drying the health of the little strangers until
the Court physician ordered him to be put to bed, and treated for
At the end of a week he recovered sufficiently to hold a cabinet
council up in his bedroom, and it was decided that the royal infants
should be christened immediately, and that the usual fairies-for all
this happened in fairy-land-should be invited to the ceremony.
The King, who was a great scholar, but could not read or write,
dictated the letters of invitation, which he ordered the Lord Chamber-
lain to write, and post. Now the Lord Chamberlain was a very
respectable and pious old gentleman; and when he found that a
notorious fairy named La Ballerina was to beinvited, he was shocked ;
but when he remonstrated with his master, the royal language was so
painfully objectionable that he dropped the subject. This La
Ballerina was a nasty forward fairy, who wore short skirts and bare
arms, and had for years been a great trouble to the poor old Chamber-
lain, so he determined she should not come. So when he had written
all the letters he took tlem all to the General Post-office-all except
one; that he dropped into a pillar box, well knowing that it would
not be delivered for days-if it ever reached its destination at all.
When the eventful day arrived, the guests assembled in the drawing
room, and grouped themselves picturesquely around the cradles.
Everybody of note was there except the King, who was upstairs, and so
overcome with liquor, that the Life Guards had to take it in turn
to sit on his head. When all was ready, the Lord Mayor broke a
bottle of wine across the nose of each child and called it names. Then
the fairies filed past, and bestowed their blessings upon the fist-sucking
scions of royalty. Suddenly a terrible noise was heard in the
corridor, the doors were dashed open, and in bounded the infuriate
Ballerina. Why hadn't she been invited ? She was as good as any
one there, and a jolly sight better. They thought her gift wasn't
worth the having, did they ? She'd let 'em see. Taking from her
pocket a ring, upon which were carved, in cabalistic characters, the
letters C. H. E. E. K, she placed it upon the finger of one child.
" Now then," she shrieked, ".both these brats start fairly-one will be
learned, and clever, and honest, the other will be his inferior in every
respect, but he will have my talisman. In years to come, mark which
is the best off." (She said best off, being a vulgar, ungrammatical
fairy.) Then she turned a double somersault, removed the register,
which happened to be down, and disappeared up the chimney.
Years passed away. The old King drank himself to his fore-
fathers: the Queen, unwilling that he should be out of her sight,
fretted herself in the same direction. The people, disgusted with the
bibulous and selfish propensities of their late sovereigns, imbibed
Communistic doctrines, and drove the twin Princes, penniless, into exile.
Each went a different way. The clever and intelligent one plunged
heart and soul into the battle of life, and did all he could get to do
with the utmost of his ability. He died in cheap lodgings, and was
buried by the parish. The Prince without ability, but with the fairy
talisman, prospered and waxed wealthy and great. He forced himself
into prominence in everything with which he deigned to connect
himself,-Art, Literature, Science, or Politics. He died a millionaire,
and had a mausoleum erected for him by public subscription.
This narrative teaches us three things. Firstly, that a Lord
Chamberlain should never allow private pique to influence his official
actions. Secondly, that Drunkenness and Vice may bring even Royalty
to the dogs. Thirdly, that to succeed in life, it is better to~possess
Cheek than Talent.
FEIRUARY 6, 1875.]
LFshHUARY 6, 1875.
A FIRST NIGHT AT THE PLAY.
THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
COMRADES, stand aside a little, let us lean against the wall- [hall.
Let us watch a first night" public, thronging through the entrance
Mark the playhouse-haunting loafers,who would rather die than" part,"
Try their skill at making inroads on the managerial heart.
How they fawn and cringe and flatter, how they brag and boast and
How they mention unknown papers-and the money-taker shirk.
Many a night I've seen these fellows-seen them grov'lling at the feet
Of the meanest understrapper who could help them to a seat!
Many a time I've seen the cadgers on the first night of a play
Filling boxes, stalls, and circle, and good money turned away.
Many a night upon the passed-in," I a watchful gaze have bent,
Found them slow to clap approval, lightning quick to hiss dissent.
Then I've dipped into the future: wondered when some bold lessee,
Would de battle bravely with them; crush the system, and be free.
But the opening piece is over; to our places let us hie,
Charging past the crowd of harpies who Your overcoat, sir," cry.
See the house is full already-all is crush, confusion, heat;
In the pit and in the boxes there is scarce a vacant seat;
And the rapid rush of stallites goes on hurriedly and streng-
There's a muddle with the numbers, some folks always take the wrong.
Mark the gorgeous show of shirt-front, grand array of chokers white,
Trailing skirts and naked bosom;, painted faces, jewels bright:
Jewels purchased by their wearers at a price one dare not name
Gleam upon the breasts of wantons, who have brought the stage to
See, there's Brown, the blatant boaster, with his toadies in his train;
Loud his voice and high his action, big his head and small his brain :
First he'll sneer at author's effort, then at actor's mild attempt;
Seeing good in nought before him, giving what he gets-contempt!
There's the fair and honest critic, with his purpose high and great;
There's his dirty little brother whose delight it is to slate;
There's the hanger-on of writers, gazing round with ghastly grin,
From the box which spittle-licking has enabled him to win;
There is Smith, the modern Hazlitt, such his friends him ever call:
See, his looks are full of import as he swaggers to his stall!
But his mind is sad and troubled, and his heart within him knocks,
For he sees his paper's owner looking at him from a box :
And he knows that he'll be sent for, e'er the piece its course has run,
And be told the sort of notice that his master wishes done.
Yes, the owners have the boxes, they're the men it's best to square,
And my man who does the writing has to rough it in a chair.
Hear that burly fellow yonder, saying what he means to do-
Talking loudly of his leaders in the Truculent True-Blue."
He is but a big impostor, who can't write a little bit,
But he lolls among the stallites while his creature's in the pit.
Hark the overture is over-each one settles in his seat,
And a certain gorgeous critic tries to stow away his feet,
Lest late-comers, all unheeding, as has happened oft before,
Tripping againstt his massive members should go sprawling on the floor !
Not a bad first act or second-if the third is half as good,
Why the piece won't be the failure that the knowists said it would.
Did you hear that fellow sneering in the farthest stall but one-
Asking, when his neighbours shouted, where the deuce they saw the
He's a disappointed author, who his feelings can't suppress,
For he's jealous beyond measure of another man's success.
Oh, it's good to see an author, when a piece is neat and bright,
Show his honest admiration for a play he didn't write !
Oh, it's good, because its seldom, in these sad and selfish days,
That we find a man bestowing on a rival words of praise.
Once I met a playwright beaming, who for Jones affection shammed,
And he chuckled as he whispered, "Poor old Jones's piece is damned! "
Well, the third act is a weak one! Why should people in the stalls'
Leave their seats with noisy clatter, long before the curtain falls ?
Come, my comrades, at the Kemble we will finish up the night:
Hear the critics bravely saying what they've not the pluck to write.
Come, my comrades, played the play is, down the lights go one by one :
Do you think the piece a failure ?- Will it have a lengthy run ?
First night verdicts are deceptive-it's impossible to say
What a genuine success is-till the people come who pay.
]FUN9'.- FEBRUARY 6, 1875.
A REAL REPRISAL.
BICYCLE BOB, THE WHITE -HEADED WONDER, TEACHES MEDDLING JOHNNY A LESSON.
FEBUARY 6, 1875.] F 6
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 410.
THE feast was o'er, and all my guests departed,
With cordial handshake and with kindly greeting;
And I was left, alone and heavy hearted,
To muse on what might hap ere our next meeting.
I threw myself upon the couch, and courted w
The slumber that, perchance, might ease my sorrow;
My reason slept, but fancy, sore distorted,
Enthralled me with strange visions till the morrow.
1. Sure ne'er before had bowl been filled
When fates were so propitious;
The mixing proved hands deft and skilled-
'Twas faultlessly delicious.
2.I've not yet tried it, but I have been told
This bit of calf a dainty dish will give.
Stew it in broth, and let it then grow cold;
Next, pound it, and then rub it through a sieve.
Now- season it with pepper, salt, and spice;
Eat it quit hot-you'll find it very nice.
3. The bright blade pierced the covering, crisply browned;
And, as uprose the fragrant savoury steam,
Each grateful sense confessed the feast was crowned,
And eyes looked on the dish with brightened gleam.
4. Methought I was an Eastern potentate,
And that I ruled with almost rxyal state.
A present from the Sultan came one night-
It was a bow-string!-and I woke with fright.
5. I dreamt I got a letter, sealed with black,
To say, The Earl is dead, and you are heir-
Lands, wealth, and dignity are yours "-alack!
To-day his marriage drives me to despair.
G. I beheld a wretch forlorn-
Hatless, tattered, and so torn
His clothing seemed but patches strung on shred ;
Then his features seemed to grow
More and more like mine-and, lo! "
I woke, and not a stitch was on the bed.
SOLUTION or ACRoSTIC, No. 408.-Winter, Spring:
Waits, Islip, Nectar, Taglioni, Eastern, Rug. Correct :
Slodger and Tiny, Ozone, Mars, Need, Pipekop, Faith- A SPECIALITY.
f al Tommy, Your own James, Northwich, Lindis, Ruby's
Ghost, Chremes, Chic, D. E. H., Pipekop's Pupils, Brice. First Navy:-" I sAY, BILL, THAT REAN'T A BAD BARGAIN ?
Q.C.'s.-Moral: Don't do anything against your will Second .Ditto:-" oon, I -xo. TaxEY'RE mlAN HEAVY TOR COMMON.
in future. WEAR; THEY MIGHT DO PERHAPS TO KEEP THE MISSIS SQUARE WITH." j
THE WIC KED PUBLISHE R. days. Well,when the young author was in the dungeon, being bled every
day to make his flesh white and tender, his book was published, and
A SronY. BY A YOUNG AUTHORron. the wicked man had all the money. And there is, I am told, a great
Drm an the dark ages, there was a very wicsed publisher living in deal of money made out of the publication of young authors' works.
London. I refrain from being more particular about his address; for When the relatives of these unfortunate young men missed them, and
then, as now, it was quite enough to mention that there was a wicked then read the favourable reviews of their books in the Pall Mall
publisher in L'ndon for everyone to be able to identify him. For Gazette and Athencnum of that time, they immediately came up by
publishers are, as a rule, dreadfully virtuous, and are awfully grieved special wire, and saw the man who had published the books. And he
when they lose less than five hundred per cent. on their outlay used to rub his hands, and smile, and say that, considering the large
through producing a young author's book. And all the good pub- amount of money he had paid these young authors, he wished he did
lishers used to shake their heads and say, whenever the wicked one know where they were. Then he would give -a mysterious wink
was mentioned, Ah, better to lose money over every book than be and say, "There are other publishers in London. I have no desire to
as he is." Then, after an interval, they would tell the cashier to insinuate, but I wish that every man in my line of business was as
send a cheque for 500 and a dozen of port wine round to the Editor conscientious as I am." When the good publishers heard this they
of the Fan of the period for conscience sake, the wine to be given to sent off fresh cheques and more port wine to the Editor of the Fen
the poor, and the money to be divided among all young authors: And that flourished then, which the present Editor again regrets, as he
the Ed'itor of the Fan of the present has a dim notion that times, as could have-done well with the wine and better with the money himself.
well as publishers, are rather changed now. For which he is sorry. But at last there came an end to the wicked publisher's little
Not so much for his editorial sake as for that of a young author he games. Of course he had a daughter, who was young and lovely.
knows whom he would much like to assist. But who shall be nameless. She is necessary for the conclusion of this story. Also, of course, she
To return to the wicked publisher. He used to entice young authors was swimming in the moat one day, and, peeping with female curiosity
up from the country, and when one produced his MS. he would say, under the door of a dungeon, fell in love with the young author con-
"Leave it for a year or two, and my young man will read it and see fined there. So they invented a flying machine at once, and went off
what it's like. Good morning, bless you." And then the young together to the home of the bridegroom, and were married by special
author would go and walk about the parks and the suburbs, while, as licence, amid the acclamations of the multitude. Then this most
he thought, his story was being read br the reader engaged for the fortunate of young authors raised a great army, and went and laid
purpose; and the wicked publisher would go down to lunch on cold siege to his father-in-law's shop. Eventually the place was taken by
pickled young author, of which delicacy he always kept a large supply assault, and the garrison, including the MSS. reader, were all put to
in his private room. In due course the young author, tired of walking the sword. Then the wickedness of the publisher was found out,, and'
about, would return, and be asked in. He was then immediately the young author became Lord Mayor, and was knighted.
seized by the myrmidons of the wicked publisher, and cast into the The foregoing unvarnished narrative may, perhaps, throw some
lowest dungeon beneath the castle moat. All publishers had castles and light on the reason why publishers nowadays stand, cheque-book in
moats, and two-handed swords, and gold boot-jacks, and drum-and-fife hand, ready to purchase at a high price the manuscript of any young
bands, and licenses to keep open till half-past twelve at night in those author who may apply to them.
62 F ITN [FF1iitUAUY 6, 1875.
THE STORY OF A GREAT MORALIST.
5j ,__ ___ _
THIs is a young man who wrote a novel for lucre, but as to intending it to And this is a critic who read it, and said: Dear me, this story contains a beautiful
convey any moral whatever, why, bless your heart, he didn't, moral lesson-it should be read by the young and perused by the aged."
And this is Mr. Grundy who presented the book to his daughters to read.
And this is the surprise of the author on hearing that his story
taught a beautiful and instructive lesson.
And this is the Rev. Bishop who yearned to grasp the And this is the lady who was so touched by the book that she And this is the author's brutal and overbearing
hand of the greatest social teacher of the age. bought up all the remaining copies, to send to the aborigines, vanity on finding he was a great moralist.
And this is the moral of this story,-that your critic is your only moralist.
STOLEN LEAVES FROM LITTLE JOHNNY'S DIARY.
Concerning sausages and the boy who loved them for themselves alone.
The fastidious cat and the similar savage. Johnny, pere, adventures a
little joke. The weather-wise fool. T ...-.,'r. y; of a dark domestic
mystery. Episode of the apple tree. Significant reticence of Uncle
,Ned. The domestic mystery dispelled. Execrable taste of a dear old
sweet. A brother-in-legal home-thrust.
GENWARY the 20th.-Sossiges for breckfas, you ot to see me and
Billy et em, if we was let we wude eat lots more than we was give,
but I like reading good books, too. I mus make a story a bout.
sossiges, were is Uncle Ned* ? Once there was a little boy wich had.
been give some money, and he had went to a cuke shop and et so
much sossige like he would bust, and ho was sick a bed. So his.
father he said Ile make-him not like, em any more, seif I don't, so his
father said Sammy, cos that was:his name,.do you no wot sossiges in.
made of, and Sammy said he dident. Then his- father said babies,and.
Sammy said how cruel, and 'his father said offle! Then Sammy he,
thot a wile, and he said how much soassge wade our baby make, wude
it make a mile, cos wen.I git well I mite go to the cuke shop and say
I can git a mile of seasiges, and, if yule cake em real brown you may
have as long as my leg, I aint stingy.
Ive herd fokes say that eats is-put in sossiges, but it aint Eso,.iijest
the other way if there is some left won Mary gits done, and taint
likely cats wude eat their ownselfs, but they do rats. Once a rat.was
eatin some black beetles which it had foun dirwnded, and a cat seeahim a.
doin it. And wen the rat had et em all every one up, the cat she' et.
the rat, and worked a way a shakin her hed like saying there,, that
wil teech you better than to eat sech disgustin food, you nasty thing,.
it makes me sick to my stumk j us to think of it!
Uncle Ned says that remines him of a black feller he new in the
Sand ich is islands. The black feller had kiln a. enemy in a fite and
fetcht the body to home, and Uncle Ned ast him if he was a gpin to-
eat it, cos he had herd say they did. The feller he was offle angry,.
and he said do you think Ime a disgustin cannibil, Ime a going to give
him to my dog. Then Unde Ned said 0 that's how it is, but wotr in
the world do you keep. dogs for, and the feller he said wot do I keep
dogs for, I never see Bee a fool, weot does any man keep dogs for but
to eat em? P
Billy he got a lickin to day for throin stones at a man with a hand
orgin, serve him rite, we had a puddin for dinner, jus think, sossiges
and puddin in one day, and Franky is a getting a other tooth, and
mother is jus delited, like it was a other leg.
THE 2 lD.-I was made wosh my self in cole water, cos I dident git
up wen I was call, but you ot to have see wet a little tiny drop was a
It rained to day, and if it rains to morrow like it has been a doin ol
the time lately I aint a going to stand it. Why cant we have some
more sno, that's wot Ide like to no, so I cude make a other sno man?
If a feller cude make a rain man they wude be some sense in sech
whether as this, but wen I was a sayin so to day my father he luked
at my mother and smiled, which he dont offen, and he said if it
wade rain lots, wife, Johnny cud have have a pillar of solt. I don't kno
wet he ment, and mother she dident neither, but if he thinks Ide sleep
on sech a thing I wudent, that's ol!
There was a feller which was silly, and he was a standing in the rode,
bear headed, and his brother luked out of the windo and said wy
dident he come in the in the house, dident he see it was a going to rain P
Then the silly feller he said you have al ways call me a fool, but which
is the fool now Ide like to no, do you spose if I wude come in the
house it wudent rain all the same ?
This morning we had egs and bacen for breckfas, and my sister for
dinner. I ast her how she like bein marred to her young man, and
she dident say nothing, and lukea] like she was a goin to cri, only now
she is marred of course she dent cri any more. But my mother she
spoke up and said said wasent that a brass band, but it wasent, cos I run
out to see. Wen I come back my sister she had shet her self in a bed
rume up stairs, now Ide like to no wots up, if that young man has
been o lickin my sister he better not let me cetch him out a lone were
no boddy cant hear him holler, no indeed!
Once there was a man licked his wife, and a little boy etched him
at it, and he. said, the little boy did, wet do you mean by like that,
you notty man, if you hit her agin you better not! But the man he
done it, and the little boy he pull of his cote and said now Ile give it
you, and dubbled up his fistses, but the man kep on a woppin his wife
like he never expected to have a other one. Then the little boy he
got up in a apple tre and said you beest, if I was down out of this tre
it wude be bad for you! Jus then the man went a way, and wen the
woman she see the little boy getting down out of the tre she ran and
cot him and give him a fritefle wiggin, and said that will be good for
yure tung, you sassy little seowndrial!
We fear this unconscious admission will somewhat damage Johnny's reputa-
tion for creative genius.-E ).
I spose my father was a thinking of that wen I herd him tel mother
to day twasnt no good to enter fearing be tween a man and his wife,
let em make it up their selfs. Bat Ide like to know wots come of
THE 22rH.-This morning I went state to Uncle Ned as sune as
ever I got up, and I said Uncle Ned its no good us a having secrets
from one a other, or we cant live together any more. Then Uncle
Ned he said but, Johnny, I don't want to gather any mare, I gathered
one yesterday, and Ide like to git rid of than. I said then wy don't
you tel it to me, I no that young man has been a lickin Missy, coi if
he aint wot for dident she go home las nite, but stade here ? Then
Uncle Ned he said it wasent so, she went home a bout three o clock
this morning, cos he went wita her, it was ol rite and I mussent say
any more a bout it, so I wont. Chicken for dinner and lots of stuffia,
pertickler by me, tho Billy had. some. on his plate-too.
Mary has got a new frock, made out of mothers ols one, baby said
la la la, you never see sech a clever baby!
ToB 23sT.-Wot do you think, I was. to my sisters house to day,
and.wile I was a lukin in her work baskit I foun a note wich her
young -man had rote to her late law nite,,and wile she was out of the
room-Icoppied it in my diry. Here it is, excuse spelling:
Mi Dga COHILD,--Come home with your Uncle Edward. I have
toldihim all, and he says we were neither of us to blame.
Your Ow. HUBBY.
P.S.-Uncle Edward happened to have same fruit in his pocket,
anu I compared the scarf with an orange, and I must cmfess it is not
yellow. So it was all my fault, and I freely forgive you.
There,.[ new he licked her, but wot makes her so happy to day
THa 2t4D.-It is Sunday, I stade to my sisters house las nite, and
.after service to day me and her and her young man went in the feels
for a wock, and wile we was a standing on a hil she said jus look at
Mother Nature, wet a dear ole sweet, the ski ol blu and the world ol
green, how nice! Then I said Missy, wot wude you say if you- was
to .see mother a wearing a ski blu oloke over a gras green dres You
.never see sech a astonish girl in ol yure life, but her young man he
laft like his hart wude brake, and he said Johnny is rite, them callers
fites like cats and dogs.
Wen my sisters young man said it I give him a nock down look, and
I said I no some more callers which fites, too, maybe I mela yeller and
orange, and maybe not. That feller stop laffia mity quick I can tel
you, and sech looks as I got, 0 my
Sammon for dinner to day.
YOUR solid bards are very well,
But give me leave to say,
Their famous works would never sell,
Were they alive to-day.
We read at such a rapid rate-
The writer begs to hint-
That poetry is out of date,
And nearly out of print.
It's only youngsters write for fame
In these enlightened days.
Who care, d'you think, about a name,
Providing that it pays ?
And, after all, an author's berth
Is pretty full of cash;
The public like their "money's worth"-
And swallow any trash!
No one will, we fane,', be inclined to accuse us of sympathising with
the admirers of wantoa vivisection, or of any other of the numerous
methods by which dumb animals are made to suffer for no other
purpose than the gratification of mere brutality; but we cannot help
thinking that it would have been better if some of the promoters of a
recent well-intended memorial had been on the side of the vivisectors.
The championship of some enthusiasts is often far worse than their
opposition, as is 'shown by the ridiculous lengths to which the
memorial has gone. Besides, though we can understand Mr. Brown-
ing and Mr. Tennyson's position in the matter, Mr. Ruskin and Mr.
Carlyle are hardly the .right people to object to vivisection. Bat
better late than never.
Notice to French Editors.
THE Lord Chamberlain is not the Mayor of Birmingham raised to
THE BEND SINISTER.-DIScensus Averni.
FESRUARY 6, 1875.]
64 [T ji~ FI~mWARY 6,175
Passenger -" PORTER, THIS CLOCK IS FIVE MINUTES FASTER THAN THAT AT THE BOOKING OFFICE!
Porter :-"YES, SIR! 'FRESHMENT ROOM'S ON THIS SIDE, SIR!"
RE VEALED RELIGION.
A RECTOR, desirous of saving his soul
(For of course, as a parson, salvation's his goal),
Thinks it part of a minister's duty in life
To stir up dissension, and scandal, and strife.
So he keeps an archdeacon with nothing to eat,
Then turns him, half-covered, out into the street;
And further the cloth to bespatter and smirch,
On Sunday at service time closes the church.
O wonderful converts! 0 pick-pocket clown!-
O Bendigo, preacher of P. R. renown!
Leave your cabmen, and butchers, and tars for a time,
And haste to Newcastle, the one under Lyme.
In the force of your jaw if you confidence feel,
Leave our London lost sheep and try Staffordshire Veale.
A Handy Notion.
A WP.ITER in an ultra-Radical newspaper proposes that all em-
ployers of labour shall be compelled by law "to submit thei- books
yearly to the inspection of their hands." So long as the books are
only inspected" by the hands it will not matter. If touching takes
the place of inspection, something may be expected to come off.
The Fly on the Wheel.
THE Marquis of Hertford, in a speech made a day or two back at
Leamington, congratulated himself on the very perceptible improve-
ment in the condition of the English stage" he has effected during his
term of office. The British public, in the wake of whose wishes the
Lord Chamberlain has trotted, must feel proud indeed. All that this
functionary has done,so far aswe can discover,is to persecute an unfortu-
nate sub-official, hunt him from his engagement, and terrify all lessees
from giving him fresh employment. We have *no wish to defend im-
morality ; but mean misuse of power, coupled with insupportable pre-
sumption, deserves just the passing comment it receives.
AT the Marylebone Police-court a Captain French was recently
charged with assaulting a Mr. Killmister. The gallant captain
did not kill Mr. Killmister: he is alleged only to have struck
him. The whole affair was a ball-room tiff over the dance
known as "The Prince Imperial." French fighting over the Prince
Imperial! Was it an omen ?
NOTICE.-ON WEDNESDAY NEXT,
The GRAND VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER of FUN,
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.
%JL W FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by TUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Deetors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.O.-Lendon, Jan 6,1875.
FEBRvARY 13, 1875.]
A TALE OF AN INSULTING VALENTINE.
Brown saw a libelous Valentine representing a prie pig. yB Jove!" he chuckled, "I should like to post that to Jones-how absurdly fat that man is, to be sure! "
A few minutes later Jones saw it. Pw half a mim to send that to Brown!" But it seemed undignified to go in and ask for it, so he stared undecidedly every day.
While Ero n vwas a peifict mass of doubt, longing, and vacillation. But at length they both screwed up their resolution, arrived at the same moment, and rushed
into the shop, where they were so embarrassed at each other's presence that they couldn't say a word.
'" They'djut t. tpt n-a -to g. t Il at Valentina to-to snd to-to RoTl.inrn!" And wl en TRol.inson received it. l-. inned, anrd said: By Jingo This'lldofor
they said, with a sudden lucky thought and a sigh of relief. "How any lan can that landlady of mine. To think of any woman's attaining such an outrageous
be so ridiculously rotund as that Robinson- 1" they said. I degree of corpulence-" And he nearly died of laughing over the recollection.
66 F U N L[FrBRtARY 13, 1875.
VERY MUCH MOCKI
Diner:-" ~HER, WAITER !-I SAY, WHAT THE DOOCE SOUP DO YOU CALL THIS SOME HORRID MIXTURE! I ORDERED MOCK TURTLE!"
Waiter:-" YES, SIR-VERY LIKELY, SIR-SOME MISTAKE I 'sPOSE, SIR. AH! CALVES 'ED AND HOX TAIL. (Consolingly.) HOLD SAYING,
You KNOW, SIR. EXTREMES MEET."
FUN'S VALENTINES FOR GREAT MEN.
TO MR. GLADSTONE.
AND must thou go, oh William, dear,
To end thy days with Pope and Homer ?
Then take with thee Fun's parting tear,
Since Rome has turned thee to a roamer.
So great the love we hold for thee,
That England's heart it ne'er will pain-
A land of traders, though she be-
To see her Bill come back again.
TO LORD JOHN MANNERS.
IN days of old the proverb ran,
'Tis Manners that do make the man; "
But where you rule this can't be true,
Since men are there undone by you.
TO THE LORD MAYOR.
A WONDROUS task is his whom fate
Has perched upon the City throne;
For it must be-his object great,
To turn the hearts of men to Stone.
TO MR. IRVING.
By A COCKNEY ENTHUSIAST.
TOE gal vot o'er the dramer reigns
Got tired o' sportin Gallic chains;
Says she, vithin my breast I yearn,
To give ole Billy Shake a turn.
Resolved at vonce to do the thing,
She takes the Bard beneath 'er-ving:
The public follers in her vake,
And svallers him for 'er-ving's sake.
TO. ALFRED TENNYSON.
'TIs strange, my Alfred, you, who know
How well a name makes verses go,
And how with books, what luck befalls 'em
Depends on what the author calls 'em,
Should now pooh-pooh the question vital,
And turn your nose up at a title.
TO MR. DISRAELI.
WHEN gout the Tory chief did doom
For many a week to keep his room,
His party lost his aid without-
Hoped soon to see their head get out.
We Lib'rals, too, dear Benjamin,
Are always grieved to see you in,
And when you are, pray do not doubt,
We'll do our best to get you out.
THE "largest circulation in the world," appropriately discoursing
on vivisection, drags in a remark, vid Coleridge's love for dumb
animals, to the effect that poets are not original thinkers. As there is
a good deal of language and a great many hard words in the article
which contains this at all events original thought, we fancy the writer
must have become confused in his references, and have confounded
poets with Telegraph descriptive writers. And even then he must
leave out the Own Commissioners" of that estimable and ever-
APPROPRIATE NAME FOR A DRUNKEN WOMAN.- Gin-ever-ah!
.FEI3RTARY 13, 1875.]
1. The transit of V-alentines.
2. The old person that always gets the ugly ones.
8. The young person that always gets the pretty ones,
4. The middle aged person that never gets any at all,
5. The lay of, we hope, the last, wife-beater.
Oh say not thus; for evr thine I
Oh must you be my Valentine I
[FEBRUABY 13, 1875.
FU-N O.FICE, Wednesday, Feb. 10, 1875.
OH, pretty Miss Dizzy,
If you're not too busy,
you'lll find half a moment to listen to me;
This Valentine season
May yet have much reason
When by it you're made many errors to see.
In this forthcoming Session
You'll make much profession
!our practice will pretty soon after confound.
Then you'll sneer and be pointed,
Say things most disjointed,
And spread 'mid your friends nought but terror profound.
When you think of reaction
Concerning your faction,
Be not too light-hearted, for each has its turn,
And even already
Your ranks are unsteady-
Both ends of the candle you wastefully burn.
Now, pray don't be scorning
These few words of warning,
Remember'the prize you so oft put at stake;
D)on t be too offensive,
Don't throw away chances for epigram's sake.
Tse advocates of cremation seem to possess a powerful, if uninten-
tional, friend in the Rev. J. Coley, of Cowley, near Oxford, who has
been giving way to one of the eccentricities peculiar to those gentle-
men of the cloth who seem to think the proper way to serve their
Master is to take an exactly opposite course to that He directs. This
clergyman has refused to bury the corpse of a man who in life was
that sinful thing known as a slow bowler at cricket, and by this
unchristian act has stirred up more evil feeling, and done more harm,
than the most virtuous of men can hope to do good during a
moderately lengthy lifetime. In all ranks and conditions of life there
are to be found, only too frequently, men who, in endeavouring to
show how fervent, and pious, and excellent they are, make it appear to
the iminitiated in blessedness as if they were quite the reverse-so
much the reverse, in fact, that if a little light indulgence on the tread-
mill could be given them it would be for the benefit of the community
at large. The Rev. J. Coley has just carried his religious zeal to an
excess which, though unhappily far from rare in this country, excites,
every time it is exhibited, an amount of feeling most prejudicial to the
interests of that true Christianity which is nothing if not mild,
patient, and forgiving. But the Rev. J. Coley-what a mockery
there seems in the first word!-has done more than show the depths
to which the ultra-godly can descend; he has committed a grievous
sin against the State in keeping a corpse above ground long after it
should have been consigned to its kindred clay; and has thereby done
something to poison the bodies of his parishioners as well as disgust
their souls. It is hard to define the amount of taint, moral and
physical, which spreads itself out from such a churlish refusal as that of
this minister of religion; the believer is only too often staggered in
his belief, while the atheist hugs himself, and points with scorn to a
state of things which to him shows the hollow mockery of religious
teaching. There is, however, one advantage to be derived from this
ut display of brutal and thickheaded intolerance-it brings us one
step Seier to a time when such presumption on the part of a provin-
9ial parson will be impossible; for if measures are not speedily taken
to prevent a recurrence of these dreadful scenes, we are a weak and
imptent race indeed.
JOHNNY ON VALENTINES.
2h alrms his competence to discuss the subject. The new Belliant, the
ffWv which was not particular to a hair, and how our author rescuws
himself and brother from a situation of great peril. Gafer Peters's
#l0tioW ff Valenti"n and Orson. Uncle Ned evades an awkward question.
.The malvolence of an anonymous scribbler, whose future Johnny essays
to eahppre with revengeful eye. The foundation of Patagonian theology.
Variww valentines, and tohnnY's conception of regal deportment.
RW yle say that Johnny, wet does he no a bout Valentines, but I
tell you wot I no, I no my sister use to git em, and they was ofiler
nice than Crismas cards, ol gole, and silver, and babies without no
close on em, I shude think they wude froze. And wen she got em she
wude say wy, who sent me this, I wish they wude keep em to their
selfs, sech riddickleculess nonsense! But I notice she use to stick em
in her beh som and lug em a bout were ever she went for more than a
One time Billy he seen my sister a reading a valentine like she had
never see it before, but she had, for it was a week after it come, and
Billy he said Missy, wots that ? So she tole him a valentine and shode
him, and it was one of them naked baby sort with a bo and a arroe,
and Billy he look a wile, and he said you cant fool me, cos it aint
Valentine at ol, its Orson. Valentine wude have close on him and a
saword, now sho me the bear, did you ever se sech a simpleton like
that Billy ?
Once there was a woman which was lost in the wood with her two
babies, and she saw a bear, so the woman she tide a cloth a round one
of the babys, and she take the baby to the bear, and said now you
take thin and bring him up yure own way, like Orson, you under
stand, I mus go back to the other little feller fore the king comes a
long, cos he shant have a chile of mine if I can hellup it. Then the
bear it said yes, mum, but wots this towl a doin on little Orsy ? And
the woman she said wy, you stoopid, that's the hannle to carry him,
and the bear said 0, 1 see, bless my sole, how thoffle, but are you
shower you won't need it to scrub little Vally, cos if you do I can
mannidge with out it, and it wank its i, the bear did, like it thot itsef
quite clever for a bear. But wen the woman see it a winkin she said
how sell fish, I for got you had a family of yure own, may be I better
keep the little darlin treshure sweetsweet my own self, and give you a
nice peece of raw beef for yure trubble, and the bear it said sute your
self, mum, its ol the same to me.
Uncle Ned says I aint finish my bear story, wel jus then I came a
long with a big saword, and I cut of that bears head mity quick, I can
tell you, and then I tuke the two little babys, and said come on, and I
sh-de the woman a cassle, and killed the giant, and let her live in it.
Ai I one of them babys was Billy, and the other was me 1
Ole Gaffer Peters was to our house yesterday, and I had my
Valentine and Orson book, and he said wot was it ol a bout, and I said
Valentine and Orson. Then Gaffer he said that's rite, Johnny, youle
be Lord Cheef Jestis some day if you read them law books, poor Horson
was sent hup for fourteen year, ol a long o that Keeneely, and I see by
the papers Wallentine has went to Injy to defend the Kicker of Brody.
Uncle Ned he says, Johnny wot for is this a bout Valentine and
Orson, cos Valentine Day don't mean than, but Saint Valentine,
which is a other feller ol to gather, but wen I said who was he, and wot
did he do for a livin, Uncle Ned he said you kno, Johnny, I have been
a way from England so much lately that aiot kep mysef posted up
about our public men like I ot, and may be this feller has been zase to
the Saintage wile I was in Maddygasker.
Some notty nusance which nose I have been a writing about animals
has sent me a valentine as ugly as you ever see, the picter is drawd
with a pen, and it is me a setting on a Noeys Ark with the wuden
animals ol01 a roun me, and me a ritin a bout em with my legs twisted
and my tung out, but not a bit like me, more like Billy. There is a big
jack ass a standing be hine me with his hufe a reechin over my
shoulder and a ressin on my pen, and this is the poetry which is under
the picter, sech fool poetry !
Now, here you are, Johnny, and he's Uncle Neddy,
Directing your goose-quill, and keeping it steady.
With Genius behind you, and Nature before you,
No phantom can daunt you, no mystery "flore you.
You're true as a clock to your subject,-" at leastly"
Your subject is beasts, and your spelling is beastly!
Wen I got that I tuke it state to Uncle Ned and shode to him, and
then wen he had read it he luked mity black, I can tel you, but he
dident say nothing. Then I said Uncle Ned, wot be comes of wicked
fellers wen they die, and he thot a wile, and he said wel, Johnny, it
depends on were they die, in some countries they are put in a river,
like in Injy, and in some they are et; in England they are berried at
present, but after a wile w n wil cremate em. Then I said you no I
don't mean their bodies, Uncle Ned, wot is done to their soles and
Uncle Ned he said Johnny, I think we better not go into that. Then
I said wy not, and he said cos its a subjeck which wil keep sweet til
you git bigger and I have had a chance to see for my self, this feller
says no misery cant flore you, but may be its prudent not to go out of
your way to tackle mistries which aint a trespassin, I respeck yure
motiph in askin the riddle, cos its the same motiph which the religion of
the Pattygony uns and some other tribes is baste on, but we better
for give this seller, and content our self with hopin" thot wot ever
his punishment may be in a other and a better .world itW make the
raskle rithe. Now wot ever did Uncle Ned mean by ol thot rigmy
roll flores me I
I haven't tole you a bout Marys valentine, thats the house made,
wel, I rote it 01 my own self, me and Billy, but she don't sp it. Its
this way, ol xoept the picter, which Billy drod, and which is a geri, but I
never see sech a gerl, ol bonnet, and legs like a chicken.
The rose is red a violent blu,
If you luv me as I luv you,
No kanife can cut our luv into I
Mary has been proud sence she got that valentine, and sassy like
she was the Queen. But if my mother gits to see it she will kanow the
ritin, wot shal I do, were is Uncle Ned?
F1IJI~.-rEBRUATIY i~, 1875.
eC 110 0 N
FUN'S VALENTINE TO MISS I)IZZY, THE PRETTY PREMIERE,
z : 7 70-400'.4.
S 0 0 0 0 ~ s 0 0 0 o 0 a
s 'a riVi 110) afrr' v
FUN'S VALENTINE TO MISS DIZZY, THE PRETTY PREMIERES
F-ul*,.-T.-FFBRUATIY 13, 1875.
FzHRUARY 13, 1875.j
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 411.
THEY'nE a very ill-matched pair
Yet the one-an ancient martyr-
Has his day,-
When the other-oft a tartar-
Says his say in a way,
Proving motley ought to be his only wear."
1. Bonnie and blithe, saucy and free,
Pure as the stars above her !
Bear her this message, 0 breezes, from me
To her northern home, by the moaning sea-
I love her! I love her!
2. Oh I trustful woman who, with loving smiles,
Would win her lord from his seducer's wiles;
But he, insensate, steeled against her charms,
Fell neathh her kinsman's dread avenging arms.
3. Waxy, brittle,
And so light;
Soft and tender,
4. Uprose the lark and, with a ceaseless song,
Outpoured its mirth
At spring-time's birth;
Till, lost in highest heaven, the angel throng,
Seemed to have ta'en it from the sordid earth.
5. Thro' gold-flecked meadow and by woodland glade
Wanders, 'tween flow'ry banks, the cooing brook;
And dappled kine, reposing in the shade,
Chew the sweet cud with calm, contended look.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 409.-Grant, Times:
Garret, Rossini, Anthem, Nurse, Trespass. Correct :
Sairey Gamp, Cigarette, Leamington, B. 0. H., Pipe-
kop, Carrie and Liz, Q.C.'s, Dallie and Bertie, Side-
ropolitain, Northwich, A Need, D. E. H., Hoptop, Chic,
Slodger and Tiney, Dyk, Tommy Wattle, Raddy-cum-
Tooral, Ozone, Which Tyler, Half-and-Half.
WHEN is an actor's eye like a lucifer match P-When
it lights upon a box.
ON THE SCENT.
Katie, who has a pretty shrewd notion who has sent her a lovely Valentine
(archly):-" Now, CousIN GEORGE; NOW, REALLY, DON'T YOU KNOW-HAVEN'T
YOU THE LEAST BIT OF IDEA WHO SENT IT?"
George:-" SENT IT ?-AW, WHY, THE CENTER OF COURSE-RIMMEL I"
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
As a Valentine Number would be nothing without some reference
to Valentines, we hasten to acknowledge the very appropriate contribu-
tion we have received from M. Eugene Rimmel, who seems this year
to have outdone all former efforts including even his own in the same
direction. For elegant taste and infinite variety the Valentines of M.
Rimmel seem to stand alone.
Ruj's Guide to the Tuf is a complete and carefully indexed digest
of last year's racing, accompanied by a lot of information concerning
forthcoming events almost invaluable to the turfite. It strikes us that
by a careful study of this guide," a man who had never been on a
racecourse in his life might become a perfect oracle in horsey matters,
more especially as the name of "my friend the owner" appears to
each of the spring nominations.
Juvenal at Oxford, though but an imitation of a Latin poet, will be
found real Greek to those whose acquaintance with University life and
current topics is limited.
.Baby Died To-day is the title of a small memorial collection of poems
by the late William Leighton.
MAGAZINES FOR FEBRUARY.
The Gentleman's Magazine, otherwise an excellent number, is dis-
figured by a deliberately untruthful statement concerning the Weekly
Dispatch and the present Editor of Fun. Mr. Lucy states emphatically,
and with as much apparent candour as if he were certain of his facts,
that a paragraph in the Dispatch of January 10 referring rather
unpleasantly to him, and speaking in very friendly terms of the Editor
of this journal, was written by the latter himself. There was not only
no foundation whatever for this mischievous assertion, but immediately
after the apparently objectionable paragraph appeared, Mr. Lucy was
informed in a letter (written from this office) that the Editor of Fun
had nothing to do with it. This statement was subsequently corro-
borated when Mr. Lucy called at the Dispatch office, so the matter may
be left to speak for itself. It may at first sight seem as if this trouble of
denial were hardly necessary; but a question of principle is involved;
and, besides, we think the moral of how one mean action may lead to
many might just as well be pointed.
In the Argosy the two serial stories are continued with fair prospects.
"Johnny Ludlow" will of course be read with interest, as he seems,
and deservedly, to be the chief attraction of the magazine. In
addition to these there are two other articles of a moderate nature, and
a bit of verse in which good intentions are marred by indifferent
THE HOMELY CUP OF TEA.
A BALLAD FOR GOOD TEMPLES.
OH, tell me not of grapes that grow
On Rhineland's hilly plain,
Nor bid me seek the bubbly glow
Of Mot's best champagne.
The Southern Afric's shore is fair,
And fair is Hungarie;
But purer joys are in, I swear,
The homely cup of tea.
The lemonade may sparkle bright
On pleasure's festive board;
The juice of currant, red or white,
May joyous draughts afford.
But more than brandy's British bragad,
Or sack, or Malvoisie,
I love the cup that cheers me, and
I quaff my homely tea.
WHEN are sportsmen like fashionable tailors P-When they make
THE TRUE STORY OF VALENTINE AND ORSON.
APPROPRIATELY ARRANOED FOR OUR VALENTINE NUMBER.
ANYONE whose mind carries him back for a couple of hundred
years or so will not be able to remember much of the incidents I am
about to relate: chiefly because I am not sure when they took place,
and secondly, because I don't in my own mind believe they ever took
place at all. But this last admission is in strict confidence, and would
not be made but for the fact that at the beginning of a story it is
necessary to say something.
Well, in the days before chivalry had departed from our midst,
and when the useful and the ornamental were one, anybody standing
one fine summer evening on the giddy heights of Hampstead might
have seen two cavaliers, of dusty and travel-stained appearance,
advancing from opposite directions towards one of those ancient
hostelries which were wont to be the pride and the boast of our English
civilization; but which, alas! have now given way to railway refresh-
ment bars and regular restaurants. Shortly before reaching the inn
they drew close to each other, and mutual recognition followed. The
names of these cavaliers were Valentine de Voxpopuli and Orson the
Ossificated. One had come direct from the Holy Land of St. Giles's,
and the other had reaped many laurels in the Battle of Hyde Parki-
bus. Both, as will be seen by their accompanying portraits, were
beautiful and accomplished; and as he beheld them approach, the worthy
host, who was also a Primo of the Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes,
bowed low, and loosened the corks in all his best bottles.
Valentine and Orson were not long before they were seated at the
groaningest of tables that was ever yet heard groan, doing more-
much more-than justices' justice to the good things with which the
host's hospitable board was strewn. It was the custom in those days
for gentlemen to walk out and dine among the uplands of Hampstead
-a custom which obtained to such an extent, that long after it had
fallen into desuetude, any mountainous part became known as table-
land. Fain would I describe what my heroes had for dinner, but
beyond roast haggis, shrimps, and champagne, plumbago and spotted
plain, my recollection refuses to be coerced, and life is a hopeless blank.
And so, with an alas for the good old days that are no more, I will
Valentine and Orson having amused each other by talking about
the men they had killed since last they met, and the necessity each
had experienced to lease a churchyard for his own particular use,
began to think they would like to do something. First they talked of
having another drink, and going out to sack the neighboring town cf
Hampstead, and put the inhabitants to the sword; but the intelligence
that a new watchman, with a stout stick, had been placed on duty, in
lieu of the elderly and feeble gentleman who had for many years
called the weather and the time as well as pretended to protect the
aborigines, somewhat altered their views. Truth to tell, I don't think
much of my two heroes now. When I started out with them they
seemed brave and generous; but they have got into a habit of
boasting, which annoys me very much indeed; and so I shall tell the
terrible truth. Eventually they arranged to play a game of blind
hookey in default of more profitable employment, and were soon very
busy stuffing all the best packs up their sleeves and into the tops of
their boots. At last when they declared themselves ready, there were
only about half a dozen cards left on the table, and as this quantity
was not enough with which to play the now obsolete game of blind
hookey, there ensued a scene which had better be left to the imagina-
tion of the reader and the pencil of the artist. Common pens and ink
are not equal to it. Besides, this week space is short.
Blue blood and blazes !" shouted Valentine. Murder and
marrowbones! shrieked Orson. And then came a sudden silence,
broken, after an interval of five minutes for refreshment, by a demand
for grindstones. In those days no true knight ever travelled without
his favourite grindstone, for the quantity of hacking and hewing that
he did was continually blunting his sword and whetting his appetite.
Then, when he couldn't get anything better to eat, he used to swallow
his grindstone, and write a sonnet to his light o' love. And a well-
digested grindstone is a joy for ever. The trembling and landlordly
caitiff having brought the stones in, and the servants having hidden
themselves from the impending explosion which a collision between two
such fire-eaters was sure to cause, the cavaliers ground up their
weapons, and talked loud enough for each other to hear of the delicate
slices of liver and lights that would be strewing the place in less than
no time directly.
Are you ready to be cut up into sausage meat ? asked Valentine
"Ready enough to make faggots of you and supply gravy for
[FEEIIRARY 13, 1876.
FEDnUARY 13, 1875.] FUIN 75
nothing," replied Orson. And having commended themselves to their And those who don't believe what I say, can call and see the two
mistresses, and relieved their voices of any superfluous oaths and grindstones and the anciently carved swords, as well as the Hamp-
threats, they rushed rapidly to the combat, and all the world wondered. steadian hostelry, the wonder of unnumbered donkeys, resident and
Clash went the newly-sharpened steel, and away went Valentine and of a purely visitorial character. They still remain upon the spot in
Orson; the first just at the very moment remembering that he had an token of the heroism now, alas! so conspicuously absent, and never,
appointment with his solicitor, while, by a singular coincidence, Orson oh never, to return. For the age of chivalry has departed, and
bethought himself that he was due at a committee meeting of his club. bravery is no longer the private property of the great and noble.
VII.-THE ACTING MANAGER OUTWITTED.
THERE stood a man where streets expand
On either hand, beside the Strand,
Who bit his nails, and scratched, and tore,
And vainly tried to get inside
A very greasy little door.
He sometimes ceased his awful din,
And tried to win the ear within
By screaming "Butcher through a chink,
In altered pitch-a plan, of which
A strategist, alone, would think.
He longed to go and pat the sprites,
And touch the frights in wigs and tights,
A ni see the man who paints the scenes,
And eat the size, and catch the flies,"
And gambol with the fairy queens.
The door was fixed with.bolts and pegs,
And oyster-kegs and table-legs:
The acting-manager was white,
And cringed inside, and weakly cried,
And shivered, in a dreadful fright.
He sought the man who's always nigh
To keep the sly from sneaking by:
He wants to get inside," said he;
It is his aim to get his name
Recorded on the list that's free.
"While years have rolled he's come and prowled,
And thumped and growled, and scratched and howled-
And I'm afraid to go to bed !
He'll force his way some dismal day;
And when he does, I'll eat my head !
"He yells for orders for the stalls,
And kicks and calls, and thumps the walls,
Which once were very thick and strong:
And he pretends we're bosom friends,
Because he met me at Boolong !"
The years rolled on in dread and doubt-
The man without had climbed about,
And wandered wildly round the tiles-
(His aim and goal to find a hole)-
For miles and miles and miles and miles.
The manager was worn to skin-
Too pale and thin to lift a pin;
He'd lately had enough to do
(The walls were scratched so thin, and patched)
To keep that man from getting through.
At length in solitude profound,
As, terror-bound, he wandered round
The drama's now-deserted hall-
The man he spied, who'd been outside,
Located grimly in a stall!
And when the person with the tub
Went round to grub and sweep and scrub,
She screamed as if she'd never stop-
Oh my I she said, he's 'et his 'ead! "
And then we let the subject drop.
A TERRIBLE, and we trust untruthful, rumour is current in the West-
end of London. It is said there that a local reporter of youth and
inexperience promised the police of the T division a pint of ale or a
pint of cooper each on condition that they saluted him and said, Good
evening, sir,' when he passed with his young lady.' The atrocity
of this seems to us to consist more in the fact that the youth and
inexperience of this local reporter led him to offer just double as much
as was necessary for the accomplishment of his purpose. General
Macbeth must have had this young man in his eye when he said,
"Thriftless ambition that will ravin up thine own life's means."
FRIENDS In NEED.-Your poor relations-they're always in need of
"A LONG-FELT WANT."
Old Buggins hasn't looked so long in one shop window for many a day.
DOTS AND LINES.
SuiciM of the Empress of China. This is not suttee-sfactory. =
Refusal of Thomas Carlyle and Alfred Tennyson to take orders.
That's because they're both about to retire from the philosophy and
poetry businesses. Orders no longer executed with punctuality and
despatch. Goodwill and fixtures for disposal. = Mr. Disraeli has
written to Mr. Gladstone expressing regret at the Liberal leader's
resignation. People who think that a political opponent is a personal
enemy astonished and disgusted. Bravo Dizzy! Bravo both! =
Death of another centenarian. Triple birth immediately after. Na-
ture's idea of compensation. = Interuniversity boatrace fixed for
March 20. Oxford or Cambridge sure to win. Please send twelve
stamps. = Approach of St. Valentine. Heralded by postmen's knocks.
There are now 15,598 young ladies who don't care for such non-
sense 15,597 will alter their opinions before the week is out. The
remaining one will go in" for woman suffrage and knickerbockers,
short hair, and mind. = Refusal of a clergyman to bury a corpse.
Whynotask the sexton? Perhaps ho's an unsexton. Better, whynot bury
-- Well, never mind! = Selection of new Liberal leader. Rather too
small for the old clothes. = Woman in Doncaster so frightened by
service of a county court summons that she gave birth to twins.
Assertion of the law's majesty. = Coroner's jury return verdict of
" Death from old age or other sudden visitation of God." As we have
been told, Age cometh on apace. = Fancy a man suddenly finding
[FEBRUARY 13, 1876.
KAKOMBO was monarch of Kiji.
Things wouldn't go right, nor would he gee :
His subjects he ate-
Their teeth they did whet
For him, in that backbiting Fiji.
Sir Hercules came to Fiji
The king licked his lips, and said he :
Here's work for my jaws."
But the end of it was,
Sir Hercules gobbled Fiji.
Some deputies met in New Orleans,
As upright in mind as a tor leans.
Said they : We will pass
A law to harass
The soldiery camped at New Orleans."
The Speaker he said : New Orleans
Would first like to know what this means."
For bay'nets appeared,
And that ball it was cleared
Of members-who left New Orleans.
Two kings they reigned equal in Siam.
Said one to the other: Since I am
The stronger king, you
Had better eschew
The worry of governing Siam.
Said t'other: "'Tis known in Siam
That I think high station a sham."
Then bowed to the throne
That was partly his own-
Kotowed to the King of Siam.
Mind and Matter.
THE young gentleman who, seeing a notice in a shop
window, Mind the paint," politely stopped and minded
it, has come to the conclusion that he should not have
minded it so much if it had kept where it was. That
shop-front wants another coat-so does he!
A OAuoN vonovU PLANrT.-Eating-house Fixtures.
himself eighty-six years old! Fancy a coroner's jury suddenly finding
itself possessed of common sense We know which is least likely. But
we aren't say. = Parliament opens. "Speak the speech, I pray you."
A VALENTINE CONFESSION.
WHo's the saint that saints among
Hangs the bottom of the tether,
Whom you reckon (you are young)
Worth all others put together-
Whom you've rapturously viewed,
Owing to his colours glowing-
Cupids classically nude,
Flowers gay, and verses flowing ?
Apropos of verses now,
Soft, poetical, and tender :
Have you never wondered how
Pen such fantasies can render ?
Have you never wondered, too,
Who it is that oft indites 'em ?
I'll a secret tell to you,
I'm the idiot who writes 'em !
CURIOus ARTICLE FOR WINTER WEAR.-Chinchilla.
Ct OCO. LA ia a --
I rented by JUDD C0Q., Phmnix Works, St. Adrew's Hill, Doctors' Comnunon., and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street. E.O.-TLondon..Feb 18 187r.
FEBBuAnY 20, 1875.] FU NT.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 412.
IN this moon of a mixture of seasons in one,
It is oh! for the tricks that are played by the sun-
And it's oh! for impatient humanity;
The echoing sneeze and the suffering nose
Bring an absence of ease, and surcease of repose,
That are fatal;-at least to urbanity.
1. Dingy dye from the distant West,
That makes me feel uncertain
Which shows a jaundice hue the best-
My face, or my window curtain.
2. He read aloud from a volume old,
Of Odin and Thor; and Balder the bold,
Who fell by the hand of his brother;
And he read of Rinda's wondrous son,
A hero when a day's course was run;
Of these-and of many another.
3. The Scot's young new-made wife cried, "Look how
And just three guineas!" Hech! mine cost twa
4. All dignity and grace, behold her stand!
The highest, noblest lady in the land.
5. He lends for cent. per cent. his ill-got gold;
Tempts youth astray-in sin assists the old.
6. On the blank slip of paper I signed; and the scamp
Said no more than a pony could go on the stamp:
But the size of that pony's so hugely increased,
That Apology's value won't buy up the beast.
7. Cold mutton again ? Then to give appetite
Bring Chutnee" or "Nabob "-or, stay, Captain
8. The favoured lover clasps her hand, and on his bended
Ie asks but for one little word that's spelt with
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC, No. 410. Bupper, Dreams :
Salad, Udder, Pie, Pacha, Earldom, Rags. Correct :
Leamington, Chic, Peggotty's Daughters, Pollaky,
Fanny and Joe, Northwich, D. E. H., Moth, Novo-
castrian, Sara, Jtkbp, Pipekop, Cigarette, Slodger and
Tiny, Dyk, Pussycat's Meow, Brice, Hoptop, Ozone,
Liebig Family, Two Lambos.
A TRUER STORY OF VALENTINE AND ORSON.
ONE of the dullest of Fun's contributors, jealous of a brilliant essay
in last week's number, has threatened-we use his own words-to
give us the eternal sack if we don't print his version of Valentine and
Orson. Between ourselves, a real dull contributor is valuable
nowadays, as preventing the sharper blades from coming into actual
collision. Still, we didn't care about sacrificing our dignity altogether;
and so compromised the matter by cutting Orson out of the story. As
this is not only a fair and honourable method of settling a vexed
question of editorial right and privilege, but one which has had a
decidedly advantageous effect on this narrative-we beg to submit it
to the attention of editors yet unborn. Meanwhile, here is the
Valentine Brown was a postman of the remote dark ages, and,
therefore, found great difficulty in deciphering the inscriptions on the
letters he delivered daily. Now, one of the old nobility, Sir Badd Manors,
was postmaster at that time, and he harassed his subordinates dread-
fully. If a letter miscarried, a dozen postmen were instantly
executed. If it happened to be registered, or to contain postage stamps,
as many more were stretched upon the rack, put to the question, and
flogged. Poor' Brown was always selected when a registered letter
went wrong. This constant round of punishment became monotonous,
and made him discontented with his lot. So he organised a conspiracy
against his chief. All went well for a time, but his comrades betrayed
him into the hands of the tyrant. He was tried, found guilty, and
sentenced to death on the day of February old style correspond-
ing to our 14th. On the eve of execution he sent a letter to his ladye
love, who was a daughter of the wicked Lord Postmaster. In it he
drew a picture of two lovers, a church, a heart with arrows and two
flying cupids, and sent it to her, enjoining her to use it so as to be
revenged upon all the postmen of posterity. She carried out his wish
so well that to this hour they have as much work on that day as on all
the other days in the year put together. The next morning he was
blown from the mouth of a gun. He went off with a bang, and was
"WHAT PUNNY LITTLE LEGS "-" YES, RATHER BANDY." (Poo0 Tomkins
overhears, and is sadly cut up, as he thought he was making an impression." But it
was only the dog that was referred to, after all.)
never seen more. A studious monk, however, finding an account of his
death, in which he was said to be cannonised," immediately had his
name placed in the calendar. And that's the sort of saint he is!
As for St. Orson-[No, not to-day, thank you.-En.]
TOO MANY VALENTINES.
To which of the dears shall I dedicate
Cupids, and hearts, and the spire
Of a church P Ay, which queen shall I predicate
Chief in my soul's fond desire ?
Is it Caroline, Florence, or Beatrix ?
Meek Addle, Dora demure ?
Or wee Kitty-how saucy is she at tricks!
Isabel, fair as she's pure ?
The choice is so purely embarrassing,
E'en as I think come a score
Of pretty maids equally harassing-
Polly, Madge, Lucy, and more.
So I'll choose none for queen, but will make of all
One vast republic of girls;
Will distribute my heart for the sake of all
Roses, and lilies, and pearls.
And each shall think she is the favourite,
Getting the valentine so;
For as to each billet, I'll flavour it
Sweetly with special bon-mot.
A PRIVATE BILL IN PARLIAMENT.-Bill Gladstone-now, more's
A BRUMMAGEN MOTTO.-All is not good that's Bright.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 17, 1875.
OUTSIDE THE GATE!
ONE morn a Clerkling at the gate
Of Office stood disconsolate;
And as he listened to the songs
Of those within 'mid laughter flowing,
He thought he had some grievous wrongs,
And soon was tears and.cries bestowing
On him who at the gate stood firm,
And said, Be off! you friendless worm."
How happy! exclaimed this child of ink,
Are the spirits within who eat and drink,
And never have writing to do at all!
Though mine is the talent that's fine and bright,
And writing I've done from morn till night,,
One blossom of Office outblossoms mine all.
Though sunny the path of the Board of Trade
No work that is there can I ever evade.
Though sweetly the words of my chief may fall,
And light are the duties he gives to me,
Another may come of another degree,
And say, Work hard, or I'll let you see!'
Do let me get in past this bothering wall!'"
The curious creature who was keeping
The Office-gates, at sound of weeping
Rose up and said, Look here, young fellow.
You might stay here till time grows mellow ;
But if you haven't a friend that's kind,
And powerful too, no sweets you'll find!"
Away, away the Clerkling speeds,
Renounces all his former deeds:
Forgets hiq writing, burkes his Greek,
And only tries a friend to seek.
One found at last, again he turns-
Again for sweets of office burns.
"Joy, joy for ever-my task is done!
My friend is gained, and my Office is won!"
A rsCENT County Court action in which the presiding judge went
out of his way to become advocate for a wealthy defendant, more
because the plaintiffs were poor and needy than for any other reason
that can be easily stated, has, we are glad to see, attracted so much
attention. thab no amount of favouritism or friendly feeling can very well
prevent the Lord Chancellor from examining into the merits of the
case, and, if matters are as stated, in at once removing Mr. Lefrov
from the County Court judgeship to which he now does such decided
discredit. We have no wish to anticipate the decision of the highest
legal functionary, and indeed have only entered upon the subject for
the purpose of expressing an opinion upon the pernicious system which
obtains at County Courts. To our thinking, the County Court as at
present arranged is simply a splendid opportunity for the exercise of
the persecuting faculty so strong in human nature, coupled with an
excuse for the extortion of ruinous fees, generally from a most innocent
and harmless section of the community. Anyone who chooses to pay
the price of a County Court summons can obtain one, and in at least five
cases out of ten the unfortunate defendant is glad to compromise the
matter out of hand. In many of our Metropolitan Courts the tally.
man holds supreme sway, and invokes a mockery of justice to assist
him in ruining his helpless victims. With the exception that it has, for-
tunately, been brought before the consideration of the public, the present
instance of intolerance stands by no means alone. As a rule, the
County Court judge is a functionary from whom there is no appeal.
His decisions are generally given to suitors who have no idea of any
other form of law, unless it be that of the police-court, and the small-
debt official has also the advantage of sitting with almost closed doors.
We have grown into a habit of speaking lightly of the penny-a-liner
of the police-courts-but he wields a marvellous amount of power in
the interests of society. His presence is an assurance that no outrage
upon law or justice will be allowed to pass unchallenged, and well
would it be for our very poor if there was the same demand for County
Court reports that there is for police intelligence." Let anyone now
lake his stand in a County Court, and we will warrant that he in a
minimum of time becomes introduced to a maximum of persecution,
intolerance, and stupidity, mixed oftentimes with an amount of judicial
incapacity that would make even the weakest and most womanish of our
magistrates blush for very shame. And so if the episode of the
orchard at Bournemouth only causes attention to be more often
directed to all kinds and conditions of County Courts, we shall once
again have a fine specimen of the good so constantly being extracted
To SuFFErErRS.-Bunion's Pilgrim's Progress.
[FEBRUARY 20, 1875.
A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY, IN THREE AGONIES.
THE castled crag of Drachenfels was frowning o'er the wide and
winding Rhine, as a tweedily attired Englishman alighted from a four-
wheeled omnibus, and flinging the driver -a pfenning, strode rapidly
up the mountain. He was young and gloriously handsome, but the
convulsive twitching of his sun-bronzed brow betrayed to the careless
bystander the presence of some violent emotion. Stealthily creeping
along beneath the shadow of the short stunted grass that grew upon
the vine-clad slope, Gilbert Vavasseur-such was the Englishman's
name-made his way towards a couple of tourists, who, absorbed in the
pages of Baedeker, heeded not his approach. One of them, a fair
young girl, over whose auburn ringlets some twenty summers had
winged their flight, presently lifted her eyes from the book.
Father," she exclaimed, addressing an elderly gentleman, whose
portly form was attired in the uniform of a general of the Royal
Naval Reserve; how much money shall I have when you die P"
Fifty thousand pounds, my darling," answered the old man,
Hardly had the words left his lips, when a man sprang from behind
a rock, and. seizing him by the waist, hurled him headlong into the
stream beneath. As her father's form sank beneath the gurgling
waters, the maiden flung her arms around the murderer's neck, and
murmured, At last, my Gilbert, I am thine!"
"Mine for ever, dearest Violet!" replied her lover; "but the day
after to-morrow is Ash Wednesday, and I must have your fifty
thousand pounds ere that fatal day doth dawn. Come, the old priest
waits us in the ruined chapel above."
In a daintily decorated chamber in the largest mansion in Eaton-
square, one bright February morning, sat Gilbert Vavasseur and his fair
young wife. The rarest meats and the most costly wines adorned the
breakfast table, but tempted them not. Suddenly the husband started
from the revnrii in which he had been wrapped, and, treading play-
fully upon his wifa's favourite corn to attract her attention, thus
My darling, do you know that to-morrow is Ash Wednesday F'
"Yes, dearest, I do," sighed the lady; "but why remind me of so
painful a subject ? "
Because," answered Gilbert Vavasseur, in a hoarse whisper, that
which compelled me to murder your father has happened again. I
have wagered fifty thousand that the Chamberlain will open the theatres
to-morrow-and he won't."
Oh, Gilbert! Gilbert!" sobbed the terrified lady, rocking herself
to and fro in a paroxysm of grief; what will you do ? "
Do ? why, get the money and pay it. Murder before Dishonour !
I did think, my darling, that with a new Chamberlain, and Hollings-
head's petition, the bet was a safe one; but Hertford's as big a-"
Hush, dearest! not a word against that great reformer of the stage.
I have an aunt at Chislehurst who keeps fifty thousand pounds sewn
up in her stays. Let us run down by train and murder her."
Violet, you are an angel upon earth," exclaimed her husband, as
be clasped her proudly to his bosom. We will."
AGONY II .-CORPSEs.
The last rays of an expiring February sun fell upon the drawing-
room floor of Minerva Cottage, Chislehurst, and revealed a ghastly
scene. Struggling wildly in the iron grip of Gilbert Vavasseur, an
elderly lady rolled to and fro upon the carpet.
Give him the money, aunty darling," wailed her niece, violently
brandishing a carving knife, or I must plunge this steel into your
But the fierce old spinster was deaf to her threats, and tore at- her
nephew's whiskers with the energy bred of despair.
Strike!" he yelled at last; I can't stand this any longer."
Violet Vavasseur rolled back her velvet sleeve, and aimed a deadly
blow at her prostrate relative. But as the weapon descended the old
lady gave a sudden wriggle, and the knife went home to its hilt in the
heart of the man who held her. At the sight of his blood staining her
Turkey carpet, the aunt lost her senses, and lay as one dead.
Violet Vavasseur gazed for a moment the inanimate form of her
hero, then seated herself at a walnut devonport, and wrote hastily the
following note:-" My Lord Chamberlain,-Had you abolished the
absurd regulation which closes the theatres on Ash Wednesday, a
dreadful tragedy would have been averted. On your head be the
blood of two loving hearts." Then, rising as one in a dream, she fell
upon her knees by her husband's corpse, kissed him thrice upon the
brow, and, plunging the fatal steel into her breast, fell forward-dead !
When the Lord Chamberlain received her letter by the last delivery
he was much affected, and made up his mind, if his office should be still
in existence next year, that he would remove the idiotic regulation
concerning Ash Wednesday, and thus atone for the evil he had
FEBRuAxY 20, 1875.] uTJN 79
SONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.
No. VIII.-A SON OF THE CHURCH.
A CEFTAIN man of Timbuctoo,
Of aboriginal descent,
Discovered, as he wandered through
His forest's limitless extent,
A missionary in repose-
And stole that missionary's clo'es.
"This brings to mind," he gaily said,
That since intelligence began
To enter this unworthy head
I've longed to be a clergyman:
I'll now proceed across the wave,
To see how clergymen behave."
He came to England o'er the sea;
A worthy bishop brought him out;
In lofty cleric circles he
Was freely introduced about,
Acquiring notions most exact
Of how a clergyman should act.
And having shrewdly taken stock
Of all that churchmen say and do,
And how you ought to treat your flock;
He journeyed back to Timbuctoo. .
He found a flock, and bid them search
For bricks and sticks, and build a church.
And when his people went their ways,
And paid the debt that's paid by all;
He wouldn't bury some for days,
And wouldn't bury some at all:
He thought, All proper churchmen now
Insult the dead, and cause a row."
Religious obstacles he'd hurl,
Which education couldn't brave :
Anon he'd steal a little girl,
And shut her in a convent-grave,
Until her friends would search about,
And litigate, and get her out.
He sneered at all his bishop said,
And always cursed, and disagreed
With everyone, alive or dead,
Unless of his especial creed :
And made a wall of bricks divide
Departed souls on either side.
Religion had to wait and look
While he, with all-imp rtant frown,
Decided how to hold his book-
The right way up, or upside down.
Departed souls could not be blest
Till he decdecided which was best.
When novelty no longer lent
His ways charm, sir, strange to tell,
His flock incontinently went,
And gravely dropped him dawn a well!
And there are other nations who
Might take a hint from Timbuctoo!
DOTS AND LINES.
EXHIBITION of love in a workhouse. Pauper applies for a wife.
Those who sneer are short-sighted. Marriage is "the union of
lives. = Stroud not to be disfranchised. Why should it be ? It is
now the city of the elect "-and of the elected. = Rumoured interview
between Lord Dudley and a chief of the swell mob. Set a thief to
catch a thief." Dudley conferring with Dudley-street = Return of
Mitchell the Patriot. Only return to Ireland so far, Return to Par-
liament yet to be accomplished. Lancashire clogger defines Home
Rule. It is perfect freedom to kick the old woman and kids," and
no charge for the doctor. = Desperate attack on the Lord Chief
Baron by four stalwart garotters. Defeat of the Toughs with great
slaughter. N.B. The Lord Chief Baron is seventy-nine, and small of
his age. = There can be no doubt after the foregoing that flogging
has demoralised garotters. This will, of course, be an argument with
Messrs. P. A. Taylor and Co. for its abolition. N.B. No. 2. The
abolition of flogging, not of garotting. = Much talkee-talkee in the
House. Only one member allowed to speak at a time. Another of
the wrongs of Ireland. = The American revivalistic crusade pro-
gresses. Are we such a benighted race after all, and do the Yankees
swelter in the odour of sanctity F True religion, like charity, begins
at home. = It is rumoured that Mr. Carlyle refused the Order of the
Bath, for fear of the amount of soap that would be necessary. We
will not stoop to contradict this. = Great trouble in America over
Washington's statue. Several statue-tory declarations already made
about it on stump. Only put it where the English tourist can get at
it, there'll soon be an end of the trouble-and of the statue as well.
Fresh agitation for an increase in magisterial salaries. First increase
magisterial abilities. = No one seems to remember that our police-
court magnates only work three days a week each. A fair week's
work for a fair week's money. If they are dissatisfied, halve the
number of magnates and double the money for those who are left.
= Exhibition in Brussels of over a hundred landscapes, of great
merit, painted by a boy who died an idiot, aged eleven years." We
can beat that in this country. We have older idiots and more land.
scapes. Our idiots don't die; they become art critics. Brighton
Town Council can't understand that it appears ridiculous. Can't
understand anything much. One of the members tries to say a clever
thing about the manager of the Aquarium, and only succeeds in pro-
ducing an ungentlemanly innuendo. = Publication of report by the
Playfair Committee on the Civil Service. Greatest misnomer out.
Destruction of all hope for those who have no greater friend than
their own ability. Triumph of nepotism. = Provincial tax-collectors
wait upon Sir Stafford Northcote with a grievance. They dislike
collecting. If they dislike it, how must the other side feel ? = Dis-
charge of another "lady" thief. Really, the very culpability of these
genteel criminals in their greatest safeguard.
A 'TOUNG French gentleman, we are told by an advertisement,
" seeks board and lodging in an English family where he can improve
the English language." Ihere is at the present time such an intense
desire to improve the English language exhibited by all classes, and,
as we now show, by even the intelligent foreigner, that if the move-
ment is to be continued, our national tongue will be eventually
"improved" off the face of the earth. But why don't the gifted pro-
prietors of the paper in which the advertisement appears close with
the advertiser at once ? They might then get a few more hard words
for their ever circulating columns of learned leaders.
A Welsh Pony."
IT is said that the members of the Aberystwith corporation are in a
state of anxiety as to whether their new accountant, who is to receive
the munificent stipend of 25, shall keep his books in Welsh or not.
One old gentleman is thought to be of opinion that for such a sum
they should be done in "Latin grammar." We vote for Welsh, and
should not be at all disinclined for welshing, so extraordinarily
infinitesimal is the inducement held out for anything of an opposite
description. But for all that, we don't believe that Welsh book-
keeping is done head downwards. Except, of course, when it is done
by the Bards."
Why is this Thus ?
Ultramontanes at Peter's Pence
Were never known to take offence ;
Then, what on earth can them induce
On Petre's pen to heap abuse P
IT is authoritatively stated, that, being unable to decorate the Lord
Mayor, the French Government intend to clean the Mansion House.
[FzBRuAaR 20, 1875.
A BIG THING IN STATUES.
Ax artist of eminent sculptural powers
Had set himself up in the' City of Flowers,"
But serious art was unable to bind
The gracefully humorous turn of his mind.
Its weight was so great, that it can't te denied,
That Italy plainly began to subside :
When stately Columbia wrote to her son
To get her a statue of fWashington done,
That son of Columbia said, with a wink-
"This gives me a chance to be funny, I think!"
There came from his palace Vittorio, Rli,
And told 'em to hurry that statue away.
With little delay he was up to his eyes
Engaged on a figure commanding in size:
(You see, if the whole of the figure were done
It wouldn't go into the pages of Fun.)
They took it away to Columbia-but
They hadn't a place where the thing could be put.
So they finally sent to inquire if the King
Of the Islands of Sandwich would care for the thing ?
Which Monarch was noticed his optic to close,
While one of his fingers indented his nose.
F'U-N.-FEBRUARY 20, 1875.
PLAYFAIR'S NOTION OF FAIRPLAY;
OR, PARADISE AND THE PERI REMODELLED.
FEnuvAay 20, 1875.1
TO A CONCEITED MONKEY.
You mean and saucy monkey, as you amble down the street,
And think yourself above the head of ev'ry man you meet;,
Could you but know
The burning glow
That runs its riot through my veins, makes all my fingers itch-
My toes feel mad for kicking you-you'd modulate your pitch.
Yet on you go,
As if to show
Conceit's the best commodity ;-you've ever found it so.
You're not alone in what you do; therein my grief lies hid:
You're but a sample-would the world of all your lot. was rid!
'Twould be good sport-
You dirty sort-
To make short work of one at least-to stop your boasting speech,
And squeeze your paltry life all out. There! get beyond my reach.
No words I'll chop,
For every drop
Of blood within me bubbles-and I can't the impulse stop.
Ah, so it is, and so it always will be to the end;
Past modest merit you will always find your way, my friend.
While you have name
And public fame,
Some modest man of tenfold worth will sadly pray for death;
And as he sobs his life away will use his latest breath
To wish that he had ne'er been born
To face the world and all its scorn,
To linger out a life forlorn,
To die at last with heartstrings torn,
A young-old man, all wasted, worn-
Who knows that he's neglected been-been ever in distress,
And that while he has but the grave, to you there comes success.
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
SWE regret that Messrs. Marcus Ward and Co. and Messrs. Dean
and Son, both of whose firms have attained well-merited celebrity in
the way of Valentines, should have delayed their contributions till
after our last week's special and seasonable, as well as double, number
had 'gone to press. Still, if those ladies and gentlemen who are yet
vacillating will but learn from us that treasures of ingenuity, always
subtle and sometimes scented, are waiting their exploration, we may
have served a double purpose, and have once again shown ourselves
better late than never. If we were compelled to die on the spot or give
an opinion decidedly in favour of one or other of these houses, we should,
like the bishop of old, say most unhesitatingly, Both! and draw a
curtain over what followed.
Herbert's Metropolitan Handbook is a very useful and cleverly ar-
ranged compilation, and will save both temporary and permanent
sojourners in our wilderness of brick and mortar not only the expendi-
ture of many superfluous shillings, but will prevent a great waste of
that time which is said to be money as well. In it, among a mass of
other information concerning railway trains, tram-cars, omnibuses, and
steam-boats, is a long list of orthodox cab fares. We are "inclined to
think, however, that these are the least useful things in the handbook,
for we are not acquainted with anyone who would care to offer a cab-
man one shilling for a drive from the Strand to High-street Islington,
or two shillings for a journey between Gray's-inn-lane and the Albert
Hall. Still, as we don't believe anybody ever does drive from Gray's-
inn-lane to the Albert Hall, this latter fare doesn't much matter.
The Casquet of Literature (Blackie and Son) consists of four hand-
some volumes of selections in prose and verse. The pleasant duty of
culling from the English tree of knowledge and amusement has fallen
to Mr. Charles Gibbon, the well-known novelist, who supplies a short
biography with the first selection from each eminent author. Mr.
Gibbon has done his work extremely well, and if now and again we
find a name or a selection rather, out of place in such company, it must
be remembered that variety is a very important essential to the success
of such a work as the Casquet, and that if it were not for the occasional
presence of duffers, good men would lose their true value in society.
Next to having all the works of all the best authors, we like to
possess well-arranged extracts, and so Mr. Gibbon's work is a very long
step in the right. direction.
All. in All (Chatto and Windus), a volume of miscellaneous
poems devoted principally to the consideration of love, jealousy, hate,
atonement, and other kindred notions, by Philip Bourke Marston,
contains some fair specimens of composition, and will doubtless be read
with much interest and many tears by Spoopy swains and love-lorn
ladies. The promise in some of the short amatory poems is so marked,
that Mr. Marston might grapple successfully with far robuster
Cook's Northern Italy is another of the well known Continental
handbooks for which the firm at Ludgate-eircus is celebrated. Like its
companions, the latest issue possesses good.emaps and copious directions.
MAGAZINES FOBR FxnaB AnY.
Above Suspicion," Mrs. Riddell's hitherto extremely interesting
story in London Society,. flags somewhat this month, perhaps out of
compliment to the other serials. "Gastronomical Rambles" is
amusing; but Guy Roslyn's verse is of a low order of merit indeed.
The social subject article sees yet another change ; the nom do plume of
the new writer, Rapier," being, so far, rather more than pointless.
Macmillan, with its dozen good sound articles, is unusually attractive.
No one can be better fitted to discourse on David Livingstone and his
last journals than Sir Samuel Baker, and the intrepid traveller on the
great explorer will be read with undoubted interest. So will an
article on the Walter Press, despite the tremendous improvement just
shown by our transatlantic friend and rival, Hoe. As is naturally the
case, the Vatican Decrees controversy, conducted from month to month,
seems to get verystale in these fast-moving days, when most important
events are almost forgotten within the week in which they occur. The
magazine concludes sadly with a kindly and able, if short, memoir of
Charles Kingsley, in which there is no feeble attempt to glorify the
living at the expense of the dead.
"Patricia Kemball" comes happily to a close in the current number
of Temple Bar, and "Leah" and "Lilith" go on ahead, but not
merrily. Of the complete articles, one on Benvenuto Cellini, and
another on Hans Andersen, may be placed first and second, though the
others are above the level of ordinary padding. Some Lines written.
on a Lady's Fan might much better have remained there.
The St. James's opens with a new serial story by Mrs. Townshend.
Mayer, wife of the new editor. Orion Home gives some recollec-
tions of the friends of his youth, and Jules Verne s marvellous story
progresses. Altogether the number is an improvement on those which
have immediately preceded it.
The Life-Boat contains some interesting accounts of shipwreck and
disaster, as well as of daring rescue from death at sea. It is the
worthy organ of a still worthier society.
The Saturday Journal almost opens with a sweet little poem called
Misconceptions," by H. A. D., a signature we fancy intended more
to conceal than to proclaim identity. Mr. Capern has one or two
poems, and, as usual, the verse in this publication is far and away above
ordinary magazine standard. The Bystander" is a feature which
only requires to be known to be appreciated-and of course imitated.
Once-a- Week is good. Bubbley Parva is a new story just com-
-menced. Dr. W. C. Bennett's Nothing like a Smoke," though written
originally for sailors, merits the appreciation of landsmen as well.
The Pictorial World seems to have made a stand. Thtre is a decided
demand for a good illustrated newspaper at the price, and with a little
less pretentiousness about its literature, and a good deal less about
some of the writers' own selves, there is a fair prospect before our
pictorial neighbour. The general arrangement of the paper is
The Templar, an illustrated Temperance Treasury," can hardly
be regarded as a specimen of the Good Templar. That is, if the
adjective means anything in the ranks of illustrated temperance.
8 IF TJIN [FFBauAry 20, 1875.
-.11 1. ...0 Ug mii i"" In I
"LITTLE PITCHERS"-AT THE WINTER EXHIBITION.
Ethel:-"OH, GRAN'MA, THAT'S JUST How AvNT MAny AND MR. BROWN WALKED
HOME FROM CHURCH LAST NIGHr."
[Aunt Mary begins to think Burlington House isn't quite the place to bring children.
THAT Lord John Manners is the Chairman of an Association formed
for the purpose of preserving Australian Meat and Old Nobility-in
tins. That the Lord Chamberlain has threatened to withdraw the
licence from any manager producing Shakespeare, on account of that
individual's former connection with the Globe Theatre. That a well-
known writer refused the Order of the Bath because he thought it was
something to do with washing himself. That the Dramatic Critic of
The Times has dramatised the Rubery v. Grant and Sampson Case for
Miss Amy Sheridan's next theatrical campaign. That half the
theatres in London are to be managed by Mr. John Hollingshead and
the Proprietors of the Daily Telegraph. That Temple Bar is to be
sold by auction, and the proceeds devoted to erecting a night school for
A PLEA FROM THE GOLD
MIssy Queen in her palaver
Says de Gole Coase slaves is free,
But we tink she'll hab to halve her
Hopes, as all will come to see.
Guvnah Strawn makes pocklamashun
Dat all on de Coase of Gole
Shall be free in ebery stashun;
Not a chief one slave shall hole.
Yet he promises us befo' dat
Ebery slave should stop a slave,
On de one cumdishum so dat
Massas kindly mus behave.
Now he quite forgot him promises,
Says dey all is free from hand;
So he go back too quick from his
Bargain, which we understand.
What will happen when Ashanti
Send down bearers for deir stores;
Niggahs, dey wif manners scanty,
Run to Strawn by trees and fours,
Axing for deir manymishun:
Guvnah frees them at no cost-
Hyah's a berry nice posishun!
'Shanti slaves and goods hab lost.
Some day, when him strong, Ashanti
Come down will upon our heads-
Us poor Fanti, seared and panty,
Dey will murder in our beds.
And you Inglis cumpensashun
Nebber offer-nebber gib
Dollar for de depivashun
Of de means dat let us lib.
If dis is your white poteckshun,
Take your sojers all away,
For Ashanti mo' affeckshun
Will bestow sum fucher day.
Oh, great Fun, on us hab mussy !
If dey take our slaves away,
Urge dem ledgislachurs fussy,
Bid de dollars roll dis way.
Sermons on Stones.
THE Daily News has been good enough to
show to a narrow-minded and short-sighted
race of readers that our London troubles
with regard to statues are not the worst in
the world after all. The story of the statue
of Washington might be told with advantage
in three volume form, and we are prepared
to accept tenders from English and Ameri-
can publishing firms for a supply of copies,
as per page sample now- given. It is said,
and there are still people who believe it, that
George WashiAgton couldn't tell a lie. We
know some people who can't tell the truth;
and we only trust they haven't got down
Bouverie-street, and put us to all this trou-
ble and expense for nothing.
THE CABMAN'S REST."-What he gets
over and above his legal fare.
members of the Corporation. That the articles in the World exposing
bubble companies and Stock Exchange abuses are written by Baron
Grant. That whenever a great robbery has been committed, the
police "watch" the Literary and Artistic Clubs in the Strand. That all
the members of the staff of Fun, with the exception of the Editor, are
to be knighted when the Liberals come into office. That the Editor is
to be raised to the Peerage as Lord Fun-gibles of Fun-gia.
A Technical Em-anation.
ONE of our compositors is troubled with the sad reflection that there
is only an em (m) difference between creation and cremation.
THE TIED" OF PROSPBRITT.-The man who marries for money.
:FEBiuARY 20, 1875.]
'THE BOY THAT WENT TO SEEK HIS FORTUNE,
BY LITTLE JOHNNY.
The boy meets a witch, who gives him good counsel. The cleverness which
goeth before a fall. Apparition of Beau Bow- Wow, who recounts his
misadventures. The body-snatcher, the man-at-arms and the residuary
legatee. Tae revolt of the shadows. Our hero meets a nice old man who
lives a good deal in the Past, but dines mostly on his contemporaries. .He
is floored. A4 cannibalistic valentine.
ONCE there was a little feller went to seek his forten, and wile he
was a goin there was a ole which, and she said little boy, were are
you a goin, and he said to seek my forten. Then the ole which she
said I tel you wot you do, you go on til you come to the cross rodes,
and you stand rite in the middel, and shet your eyes up, and say Boo,
giv me a shillin. But the little boy he said I aint got no shillin, I left
it in my other trowsers, do you spose Ide go to seek my forten wen I
had got it ? Then the old which she said there was some thing in
that, but lots of fokes did, she mus have her pay. So the little feller
he said you mus cholk it up til I shet my eys and say Boo, then you
shal hav half, so she said it was a go, and he went. But wen he got
all most to the cross rodes he said wot a fool I be, cos if it was that way
wy don't the ole which come here and shet her eyes up and say Boo
her own self, I bet she done it, and that's wot keeps her so poor, but
Ile be offle clever, you wil see if I aint. -
So Billy, cos that was his name, but not my brother Billy, he
stude at the cros rodes, and shet his eys up, and said Bow Wow, not
Boo. And wen he had done it he herd a voice a stocking like thunder,
it was so growly, and it said there, I tole you so, Mister Boo you can
tie yure money bags up and be of, cos some fool has call me, I mus go
see wot he wants, were is my kanife and fork ?
Then Billy he herd the lims of the trees a erackin, cos it was woods,
and the groun it shuke like my father was a ridin Franky on his boot,
and pretty sune a giant come out, big like a house, and ol head.but jes
two feets were other fokees necks is, and two hands for ears, which had
a knife in one hand and a forck in the other. He was a eatin some
thing, and wen he shet his mowth to chew, his feets come up, and wen
he opened it they was put down agin in a other place, cos that's how he
worked, like a hoptode.
Wen the giant had come up to were Billy was, but not quite to
him, a bout as far as from here to the cole hod, he swollered wot he
was a chewin, and stopt, and said,
Gruddery, uddery, cuddery, cow,
Wot do you want with Bo Bow Wow ?
But he diddent luke much like a bho, more like a weat stack. You
never was friten so by a giant like Billy, and he said please, Mister, it
aint you I want, but Boo which is to giv me my forten, and the giant,
which see Billy was a cryin, he sneerd and said Boo hoo, and Billy
said I don't no his other name.
Then the giant he said you called me, and Billy said yes, but I
dident no you was to yure dinner, and I thot you was littler, and no
kanife and forck. So the giant he thot a wile, and then he said wel, I
see there is a mistake, and Billy said were yure boddy ? Then the
giant said once wen I was a little boy I was a cryin, cos I had sept
on my pet elefant and kild it, and there was a man come along and
said poor little feller, who did I want ? I told him go a way, I dident
want no boddy.
Skuddery, muddery, jumpty, day
He saatcht my boddy and wochit a way !
Then Billy he said were was the giants arms, and the giant said one
day I was a tockin to a other giant, and he was a tellin me wot a
wicked king his king was, ol ways a layin on the inkem tax, and shuttin
up the public-houses on Sunday, and the theaters on Ash Wensdy,
and making skool boards, and I said if I was you,I wuddent stand it, I
wude take up arms.
Blabbery, grabbery, bucket o wine,
He said yes he wude, and he tuke up mine!
Then Billy said wot had be come of the giants legs, and the giant'he
said wen my father come to die he wanted to make a wil, but no
propty, so he wild me a way, wot was left of me, my head to. my
mother, which said no, it wude eat her out of house and home, and my
hands to my sister, which said no, they wude steel evry thing they was
laid on, and my feets to my brother, which sAid no, cos he wude hav to
bild a big stable for em. 01 the rest, which was only my legs, went to
the residewary legatee, and he was a wicked uncle, which cut em of and
kep em to chase the hippopopotamusses out of the.kitchin garden. So
you see I cant wock only by chewin some thing, but cos there has
been a mistake Ile let you of, jest giv me a piece of you to go on
Lunchety, munchety, crunchety bone,
Gimme a leg, for I've none of my own!
Wen the giant said so he wiggled his kanife and fork like a fishes
fins, but he cudent moov his feets, and Billy run away as hard as he
cude hook it, sayin, like the giant,
Clattery, pattery, scattery, scat,
I leave you my shadder yure welcome to that.
Wen Billy had run til he was out of breath he stopt, and wile he is a
getting his wind Ile .tel you a story.
One time there was a king which was made a king wile he was in a
other country from hisn, wich he hadent see for ever so long, so he
went to the iern mungers and got a crown, and put it on, and went to
his new kingdom.. Wen he got there he said were is my army which
made me-king, and they tole him it had went to the frunteer to do
some necessary fitin. So the king he follered on to jine it, and after
he had travil til he was most wore out he set down on a stone, and rite
before him was a long hi wol. Wile the king was a looking at the wol
the sun come out brite, and he see the hole face of the wol was covered
with shudders of men, some on horse back and some on foot back, ol a
moovin the other way from him, but no men to be saw any were.
The king was so friten like anything, cos he thot it was madgick, that
he coudent speak, but jes set'and luked ol day wile the shadders kep a
passing a long no end, but at las he see a big blacker one than the
others, and he ast it wot does ol this mean, I never see the -like!
Then the shadder pull up its horse, which was a shadder too, and spoke
rite out, a tuchin its hat, and said plees yure Majesty, we are the
shadders of yare roil army, we have been faifle and tra for a long
time, but a getting dimmer and raggeder evry day, and we have had a
nuf of it, we like sojerin if we cude do it in decent company, but we
cant fite no longer with sech beggers as them fellers, no indeed, so we
hav deserted in a boddy and are a goin back to Madrid. Jus then the
sun went down behine a dissant hil, and the shadders ol vanish like
wiped out, and the king he stude up a rubbin his eys and sayin wot a
deffle dream, did you ever ?
Wen Billy had pull hissef to gather a bit he started on to finnish
seeking his forten, and going into the woods he saw a ole man wieh
dident have no close on, and no hair r either, but jus a long wite beard
which draged on the ground and ke,, a trippin him up, and this ole
feller he was ol the time a sayin to hissef,
This world is sprang and badly hung,
But it wasent so wen I was young,
The girls is mad, and sassy, and bad,
But it wasent so wen I was a lad.
Little boy were are you a going ?
And Billy he said Ime a goin to seek my forten. Then the ole
man said wottle youea-give me for mine, and me take yourn, how much
to boot, and Billy said how menny sutes of close had the old man got
to home. The ole man said close is wanity, if you take my forten and
I take yourn you wont need no close, cos you wil be ole, jes like me, and
not a bit proud. Billy said how ole was he, cos Billy was a frade and
wanted to make tolk, and the ole duffer said
Lemme see, 1, 2, 3,
How manny centuries wude that be ?
Little boy are you good at figgers P
Billy he thot a wile, and then he said 3, and the ole bloke he luked
uncomen wise and said
So I see, that be 3.
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
Thatd be 4, yure 1 more
Ile thro in the odd year, come to my den.
Little boy weel draw up the papers!
But Billy he kanew if he went to the den he wude be et like a
raddish, so he cut a way as fas as he cude pick his feets up, and wen
the wicked ole cannible chased him he cot his those in his beard, and
was flored luvly for to see!
Wile, the ole feller is a pickin up hissef I wil tel you that las week I hot
some valentines for a hapeny, same price as the Ecko, and sent em to
ol our fokes but Mary, that's the house maid, which had hern like I tole
you. One of em was for my mother, and the picter was her a holding
baby, and it said under it, I cote from remember, cos it was burnt up
mity quick I can tel you,
You think yure babys preshus nice
But I can tel you wot,
Yure a ole cat and its a mice,
Yule eat it like as not!
So wen you squeeze it don't for get
If it wude squeek yude fite it,
And wen you kiss it, if yude et
No dinner you wude bight it!
That's wot the ole heethen he wanted to do to Billy but not Billy
Next week Ile tel you the rest a bout little Billy but not Billy my
brother you mus remember were f left of.
MOTTO FOn THE SCHOOL BoAuD.-Arma virumqae cano.
[F-BRUARY 20, 1875.
SOMETHING LIKE A SCEPTIC.
Jones :-" THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW. THE VALENTINE MAKERS ARE ACTUALLY FOLLOWING DARWIN NOW !"
Brown :-" NONSENSE !"
Jones:-" IT'S TRUE. OUT OF HALF-A-DOZEN VALENTINES I GOT YESTERDAY, NO LESS THAN FIVE HAD SOME REFERENCE TO THE
THEORY OF MAN'S DESCENT FBOM MONKEYS. BLOWED IF I BELIEVE IT, THOUGH.'
THINGS GENERALLY KNOWN-AND ADMITTED. A Novel Gun Case.
THAT despite the Marquis of Hertford's speech at Leamington, and A PROVINcxAL newspaper describing a fatal gun accident finishes off
the persecution of a theatrical assistant-manager, the British stage is thus :-" When he had said this he opened his mouth, and the other
not now in a more satisfactory condition than before he took office, putting his hand on the trigger, the gun went off, and entered the
That (Mr. Disraeli's statement at the opening of Parliament deceased's head, killing him instantly." The instantaneousness of
notwithstanding) Conservative members are in a measure held respon- this death is the least extraordinary part of it by far. The very
sible for utterances made at political re-unions, thought of such an intrusion is enough for us, despite the long heads
That the smallest critics-mentally and physically-make the we always bring to bear on such subjects.
That those who most pester proprietors of public entertainments, Eyely Improper.
concert-givers, &c., for free admissions are the very persons who can THERE is just at present a great outcry against vivisection.
best afford to pay. Animals in this country have always been considered more worthy of
That when a single man is living in "apartments and "boards protection than human beings. Hardly a day passes without some
himself" he must be prepared for some remarkable manifestations of inhuman mistress ordering her servant to give an eye to the baby, yet
feline sagacity and appetite. the press is silent upon the subject, and societies interfere not. It is
That when you're single you sometimes wish you were married, and to be hoped that a system which is so barbarous will eventually
when you're married you always wish you were single, attract the attention of the cruelty leader writer engaged on the
Frytfull SHAKESPERIAN MOTTO FOR THE PARSIMONIOUS.-" Parting is such
WHY are lovers' vows like pork sausages ?-Because they're sweet sorrow."
fable. CHAIN MALE.-The Bonds of Matrimony.
FOR BREAKFAST. -.. TT T
I %LL J '*' FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Deetors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, Feb. 20, 1875.
FuBam ar 27, 1876.] FU N 7
ST. DUNSTAN AND THE EVIL ONE.
A SAD AND SOLEMN LEGEND.
BEHOLD Brother Dunstan, of whom you've heard tell;
He's working away like a clerical swell;
But the iron won't yield, and his temper grows hot,
&nd he wishes his work to the devil, I wot.
" What can I," said Dunstan, provide, noble sir !
D'you want a nice poker your furnace to stir ?"
Now the devil felt wild when he found he was known,
But he tried to look friendly, and altered his tone.
But Dunstan was artful-pretended to doze-
Then suddenly seized on his guest by the nose.
The nose it was lengthy, the arm it was strong,
The pincers were heated, the struggle was long.
WE have been favoured with a confirmation list," issued from a
parsonage in the Isle of Wight which amply illustrates the levelling
tendencies of religion. The truly Christian mind of the vicar is ex-
emplified in the following list of the times, and of the people who are to
apply at those times :-" At 12 (for ladies) ; at 12.15 (for females) ;
at 5.30 (for gentlemen); at 7 p.m. (for females); at 8 p.m. (for males)."
This must bp a curious parish, where the ladies are not of the female
persuasion, and the gentlemen are of a neutral tint. Perhaps this is
right in a place where p.m. does not commence till after half-past five;
but anyhow we should think the whole matter would be the better for
The devil just then was quite anxious for souls,
For he felt much oppressed by the high price of coals;
And he thought Now's the time, on his Rev'rence I'll drop: "
So at once he went off, with a skip'and a hop.
" Look here, holy Dunstan," he said, with a grin;
"Why should you be slaving on iron and tin ?
Just put your name here, and I'll blow you a blaze
That'll save you much trouble the rest of your days."
At last from the smith-shop the fiend broke away;
For the piece left behind he ne'er ventured to stay.
So let's give to old Dunstan the meed of his worth,
When he banished for ever the devil from earth.
a little more confirmation." We can hardly-even in the face of the
printed list we have received-believe that a religious ceremony of the
most sacred kind is ever made the vehicle of such snobbish distinction.
But if the matter is really as stated, then we should like to ask this
pointer of precept and abstainer from practice, What are his notions of
getting into Heaven by means of the special private entry he must
think is provided for the ladies and gentlemen who would rather stay
out than go in by the common gate for males and females ? And this
without any attempt to turn holy matters into ridicule, or make the
smallest attempt at a joke out of so gross a prostitution of a "religious"
88 U TUN. [FBRuART 27, 18756.
.FTN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 24, 1875.
THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
SPoxa out King Kacombau-
Welcome the British law,
Long live the Queen, and farewell all disorder;
Fiji in years to come
Ne'er will give way to rum;
Of her true virtue I'll be the recorder.
Take, then, this club of mine-
Tie it up tight with twine-
Bear it by steamer across the broad ocean ;
Never shall Fiji say
That I forgot to pay
To our loved Queen all respect and devotion.
Enter a heavy swell,
Lately he's married well,
Now his desire is to be all he should be;
Still is he troubled much :
He among many such
Finds all his tastes not as should but as would" be.
Yet the example 'shown-
Far off the seed though sown-
Oft will our club Jand leave dull and deserted;
Like unto Kacombau,
Husbands accept the law ;
Give up their clubs, and admit they're converted.
THE greatest of optimists, provided he does not allow his optimism
to interfere with his common sense, must admit that at the present
moment our most treasured institutions are in a parlous state indeed.
Our law-courts are only too often used for the exhibition of undue lenity,
or of petty and paltry tyranny; and though we who are not the actual
sufferers might put up with this, the spectacle of our legislative
assembly being made an object of ridicule and contempt makes us
count up our grievances and take special notice of what we might
otherwise pass over with but light comment. Only the other day a
judge allowed a woman convicted of a most flagitious act of felony to
go at large because she was young, good-looking, and well connected;
while within the same week many offenders received heavy punishment
for light offences, or for no offences at all beyond poverty and inability
to find comfortable lodging. As if this were not sufficient, we now
have in one day two Parliamentary elections of a most outrageous
character. In Ireland, a convicted and escaped felon has been elected
for Tipperary county; and in England a disbarred pleader, notorious
for his attacks upon all properly constituted authorities, has been
returned for the borough of Stoke. Our lawgivers have most
certainly brought this latter dual calamity upon themselves. Without
wishing to enter into the question of treason-felony in any of its.
bearings, or upon the manner in which the Tichborne case was
conducted, we must say that it is at least impolitic to make even:a
show of one-sidedness, and so create a spurious sympathy of a most
disastrous lind for so-called martyrs. The errors of the Government
style of prosecuting in:the Tichborne trial are now bearing ripe fruit;.
and it remains to be seen how our Members of Parliament who refuse
to be contaminated :by the presence of a man who, after all, was only
an unsuccessful patriot, and who has been semi-officially led to believe
his sins were forgiven-will get on with a barrister who has dragged his
own profession, as well as journalism, through the mud, and has been
declared unfit to associate with the greenest fledgling, who ever
dreamt of smothering his small brains under horsehair.
A SECRET OF SUCCESS.
A TFELOW, though awfully clever,
For ages had scribbled in vain ;
The horrible editors ever
Declining his work to retain:
Till one summer morning I sought him-
Went in without giving a hint:
As cutting some copy I caught him,
I knew he had got into print.
He told me the way he succeeded;-
I cut, I condense, and I slash:
The secret of all that is needed
Is knock off your things with a dash."
Knock off" is a singular action,
But through it he rose to renown;
For things, by the laws of attraction,
So treated must ever go down."
'Tis many and many a year ago, in the district of E.C., that there
lived a writer whom you may know, by the name of Hannibal Lee;
and this writer he lived with no other thought than the making of
. a. d., which of course was exceedingly wrong of him, because true
genius invariably works for. fame alone, and expects to get board and
lodging in exchange for the condescension of accepting them.
Hannibal liked fame very well, but he liked money better; and he
believed in clean shirts and good hats, and wouldn't allow that talent
was an external quality, liable to be removed by soap and water.
Now these shockingly heterodox opinions were so much against him.
that when he allowed himself to be proposed at the Amalgamated
Junior Barbarian Club-a society of which themembers were principally
actors, wine merchants, and wind-instrumentalists-he was black-
balled. He didn't mind that, bless you-oh no, not a bit of it. The
members passed most of their time drinking with the hall porter, or
tossing the waiters for fourpenny cigars, so that on the whole they
were not desirable acquaintances. The reason I have alluded to this
little incident in Hannibal's career is because it was the means of
bringing him near to the gallows. This is how it happened.
The news that he had been pulled spread like wildfire through
the wine-vaults and luncheon-bars of Fleet-street, and there was one
man heard it who had hated him all his life. When Hannibal was
sitting writing leaders, and poems, and reviews in the office of his
paper, this man who had hated him all his life would shove his head
into the room and call out, Ugh! look who was black-balled!" andthen
run away. Hannibal did not mind it much at first, but at last it got
wearisome; so one day he brought a lasso down to the office (he had
read how to use it in Captain Creepy's Book of Sports that never
came out), and when the man who had hated him all his life put his
head in at-the door as usual, he flung the lasso round his neck, and
pulled him into the room. But when he got his enemy to him he
found he must have flung the lasso.wrong, for it had tightened round
his neck, and choked him 4s dead as the Morning Chronicle.
Just at this moment Hannibal heard his Editor's step on the stairs,
so he shoved the body into the waste paper basket, and went on with
his work as though nothing had happened. When the Editor came in
he began to bully Hannibal for something he had written in the paper,
and Hannibal lost his temper. He shoved his hat on his head, and
thus addressed his chief: You'd better write all the wicked word
paper yourself : I'm wicked word if I'll have anything more to do with
it." Then he turned on his two heels and bounced out of the room.
He was so upset that he forgot all about the corpse he left behind him.
Now the Editor he was in a rage too, and he felt spiteful, because
the paper had to be out next morning, and it was ten columns short.
So he went to the W. P. B. to pull out a column or two, and found
the dead body there; he just guessed all about it, went to the station,
borrowed a policeman, and gave Hannibal in charge for murder, just as
he was opening his door with his latchkey.
When Hannibal had been sentenced to death, and was all alone in
the condemned cell, he began to feel very unhappy, and wished he
never hadhlad anything to do with lassoes. He knewnow'thathis only
chance was with the Home Secretary, and he also knew thattheH. -S.
was hogs on tales of mystery. He immediately. commenced -one in
several chapters;iyhich he got friendly warderto take;to -The Weekly
Budget of Gore. That-was the Secretary's favourite:periodical.
Of course all Hannibal's friends tried to get a reprieve; but when they
wrote- to the H. S. he tossed up a ,penny, according to his usual custom,
and as it came down tails, he refused the petition.
Two- days before the date fixed for Hannibal's execution, the H. S.
sat sipping half-and-half from a Dresden -teacup,-and reading the
third instalment of "The Ghastly Gash; or, theDraught of Blood."
As he reached the end his countenance fell several feet, for the fol-
lowing editorial notice met his gaze.: "We regret that we cannot publish
the conclusion of this story, as the talented author, Mr. Hannibal Lee, is
tobe hangedonMonday next." "Know howit endslwill!" said the
H.'S.; and in two minutes he was on4iisroad to Newgate. He found the
prisoner obstinate. The only condition upon which Hannibal would
let him know how The Ghastly Gash ended was an unconditional
pardon, and eventually he got it. But the moment he got outside
the prison, he just took to his heels and bolted; and from that day to
this the poor old Secretary never knew the end of the story that had
thrilled him into oblivion of official duty.
Hannibal Lee changed his name, but never recovered his lost posi-
tion. He sank lower and lower in the depths of degradation, and died
writing short leaders in a Conservative daily.
The Home Secretary became a hopeless lunatic, reprieved all the
cold-blooded murderers, and left all the doubtful cases to be hanged.
One day he was found dead on the doorstep of the Penny Dreadful
office, and when the sub-editor cut him, open to see who he was, he
found the name of "Hannibal Lee" printed on his heart. Such, is
OWED TO A SPINSTER.-Marriage Lines.
FzriuArf 27.,.J87&.] FUJN. 89
SONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.,
No. IX.-THE EDITOR T GEB ANY.
TH German editor with-gloom
Was painfully oppressed4-
His:fancy for the silent.tosahb
Was candidly confessed':
Mi'wished he'd never evezmsed.
The Wurstundiweinerblatt, he said-:
He couldn't call his soul his own,
SHeamantioned in an undertone.
He mumbled, in a helpless way,-
"Policemen in a row-
And courts, and bureaucratic sway,
And Kaisers, don't you know!"
.This explanation of his grief
(Which seemed to give him much relief)
He whispered softly in my ear,
Because policemen mightbe near.
I saw without his sanctum's door
Two grim policemen glare;,
And there were two policemen more,
Who stood behind his chair,
And made a little careful note
Of ev'ry blessed thing Jhe wrote :
Three printer's-devils, small but wise,
Were paid as governmental spies.
One spy politely undertook,
With fascinating airs,
To live with him, and overlook
His family affairs.
With mien mysterious and wise
He'd even watch them make the pies;
And then he'd take his hat, and go
And tell the chief of his bureau.
When anything was said or done
To rouse official ire-
They'd take that editor, his-son,
His *wfe, his aged sire,
And seven maiden aunts as well
And put them in a dingy cell.
They played this bureaucratic freak,
Well-rather more than once a week.
Incarceration once a week
Is liable to cramp
And give a person, so to speak,
An undecided stamp;
And apt to circumscribe his views
In dealing with official news :
The consequences, who can tell,
Of taking all his aunts as well ?
In course of time his aged sire,
His partner, and his son,
And maiden aunts, began to tire
Of this official fun:
And he began to look about,
And think the matter calmly out;
And then he swore he'd end-the joke
With one determined, reckless stroke.
He took a pen and paper out--
He sought his:office chair:
'(fSiarkl#i)j Anda.'wote that Bismarck had the gout,
Ar.dtnaevr brushed his hair !! !
(iffieieng) HXeisent:it forth, superbly penned,
Anrdkwaited--waited for The End.
(Aq.tcely .&And then, before the close of day-
(,8at. but But thisis all Ii lik- to say.
Va ) -fhord.J
i-YIiK-XNIFE AND PEN.
The `ompkl&J1at:Waksiof Charles Lamb (Chatto and Windus) is more
like what the.title implies than- might- be imagined by those whmse
;acquaintancerelh complete wo sis-.of the ordinary kind. Mr.
Shepherd, whodhas edited the present volume, has been careful to-con-
sult the originaleditions, and has-added'several fugitive pieces, never
before collected, besides restoring- many usually 'cancelled passages.
There are one- or two presumably excellent portraits of Lamb, and,
:what some may'consider an associate .idea,.a. facsimile of a page of the,
, celebrated essay upon roast pig. Justnow, when Lamblike enthusiasts
.are centenaryising, this venture of. a venturesome house-should be more
than, usually' successful.
The Art Unionmof London presents to the most unfirtanate of its
subscribers an admirable engraving of the meeting of Wellingtomand
Blucher- after. the' Battle;of Waterloo. The -subject is not.novel, but
itsw treatment.is admirable;,as most people who have seen the original
Cardinal Wley isi a. five-act play of the historico-romantic- ind.
It is so well written that, with interest and artists to match, it would
be produced at a leading theatre, and might probably be successful.
MAGAZINES FOR FEBRUARY.
In Scribner's, which is an exceptionally good number even for a high
class transatlantic magazine, The Cafions of the Colorado is con-
tinued, and the wood-engravings which illustrate it are even better,
if possible, than those of last month. "The Mysterious Island"
increases in interest, and Miss Patty Gibson's Strange Adventure"
is amusing. There-are also-many other articles of an interesting
and essentially healthy character.
The Atlantic Monthly does not seem so good this month as usual.
Some of the verse is flat, and this is best shown by a comparison of it
with the selections from Bret Harte's last book, which is reviewed in
the number. The reviews are very good. We should like to know
how much of Mark Twain's autobiography is true. His description of
the pilot business is, at the finish, exciting; but we don't believe that
even Americans are quite so fond of risk as our witty cousin would
have us believe.
The principal item in Good Words is the continuation of a story by
Mrs. Oliphant, entitled, Whiteladies," the illustration to which
contains two of the whitest and pallidest ladies it was ever our lot to
meet, even in periodical literature. Conscientiousness in art. The
rest of the magazine is over the average.
The Sunday Magazine is an excellent, sample of what can be pro-
duced in the way of a sixpenny miscellany for more serious readers.
Good Things and Golden Hours are both this month well worthy
their respective titles.
Le Pollet contains so many designs for lovely costumes that even
those who can afford them all must have much annoyance-at not
being able to wear more than one dress at a time.
The Young Ladies' Journal contains many useful designs and
Westminster Papers contain some strictures on Scolding at Whist."
But we feel sure words alone will fail to stop the old gentlemen who
never can believe they lose on their own want of merits.
Art has an illustration of Crittenden's bust of the Premier and
another of a group by Correggio-both quite up to the standard of
this welcome publication.
The Leisure Hour and the Sunday at Home both contain some good,
if occasionally heavy, reading.
Received :-London and Brighton Magazine, Colburn's New Monthly,
Science Gossip, Boys' Athenaum, Gardeners' Magazine, Young Folks'
Budget, Paper and Printing Trades Journal, Penny Illustrated Paper,
4-c., 4c. .
[FrBazAin 27, 1875.
ONLY CHILD'S PLAY.
Visitor :-" WELL, MISS POLLY, WON'T YOU GIVE ME A KISS Visitor :-" AND AREN'T YOU A CHILD P"
Polly :-" No, MAMMA SAYS KISSING'S ONLY FOR CHILDREN Holly :-" PERHAPS, BUT I DON'T CALL YOU ONEB !"
L Visitor counts his grey hairs next morning.
LA CHANSON DE LA CHEMISE.
IT was in a garret dingy sat a poet young and fair, a
With his elbows on a table and his fingers in his hair.
Oh, his eye was sad and tearful, and his countenance was glum,
And his heart was yearning madly for a shirt that didn't come.
'Twas a washerwoman wicked, who had taken it away,
But she'd promised to return it on this very, very day.
Well she knew, that washerwoman, 'twas the poet's only one,
For he told her all about it when he sent it to be done.
On that night there was a banquet, and the noble in the chair
Had the youthful bard invited as a guest to meet him there.
With the toast of "English letters," as a stepping-stone to fame,
Oh, that nobleman had promised he would link the poet's name.
Slowly ticked the ancient timepiece from its nail upon the wall,
And the bard upon his bosom lower let his forehead fall;
Till, from near and distant belfry, clanged the fatal stroke at last,
And the sad and shirtless singer knew his hope of fame was past.
Then his colour changed from yellow to a dull and ashy grey,
As he rose and drew a bottle from the cupboard where it lay.
To his lips he raised it slowly, with a fixed and glassy eye,
Shrieking, Curse all shirts for ever, 'tis for lack of one I die."
In the street a poet passing, heard the victim's dying shout,
And among his fellow singers put the story well about.
From his fate they drew this moral, "Ye who with the muses
Never let a washerwoman lay a finger on your shirt."
When the gleaming gas is lighted in the clubs about the Strand,
And each bard his pewter raises, with a lean and grimy hand,
Cast your eyes upon their linen-gentle reader, you will find
That they bear the poet's story and its moral well in mind.
DOTS AND LINES.
BoY meets his death climbing up a chimney. Death must have
been coming in an opposite direction. Moral: always climb down
chimneys. = Hammersmith Bridge objects to the flogging of boys in
reformatory institutions. So do the boys. Thieves now and again
object to being imprisoned, and tender-hearted idiots object to the
-flogging of ruffians. = Return of Dr. Kenealy to Parliament. First
step towards moving the House to Millbank, and making Jean Luie
Speaker. = Sir John Astley was not frightened into apologising after
all. Another of the wrongs of Ireland. = Election of John Mitchel for
Tipperary declared void. This is ouly done to prevent his becoming
Premier, and moving Erin over to the side of NewYork.- Earl of Dun-
more appointed by the' Queen Lord Lieutenant of Stirling. She would
have Dunmore-but, no matter. = Loch Fyne completely frozen over.
First time in forty years. Fyne skating, and much forty-tude.
Mount Etna has shown signs of disturbance. So has Lord John
Manners. = Casting of Lord Palmerston's statue. Not casting on one
side. Ought to be done in brass and all brass." = Mr. Chatterton
says he is not a literary man. We think we have heard that before,
from people who don't deal in the milk of human kindness. = Exhibi-
tion of curiosity on the part of railway travellers. Official statement.
Should like to see the exhibition of such a curiosity as a punctual rail-
way train at Ludgate-hill station. = Commissioners of Sewers about
to levy a rate for School Board. Could not be in more congenial
hands. Fashion papers say that ladies are soon to wear their hair
as they did three hundred, years ago." We don't think anyone would
trouble much about the hair if he could see these ancient ladies. But
what a blow for Mr. Thorns and his longevity theory. = Formation
of a new racecourse at Esher. As Admiral Rous says- but he's said
something else since. = Mr. Walter Bentley plays Claude Melnotte
successfully. Introduction of another Bigg actor to the London
OLD ENGLISH MoTTO FOR THE Zoo.-" We give thee good den."
FUN_____.-FBpRUARY 27, 1875.
THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.
BRITISH SWELL, NOT TO BE OUTDONE BY KACOMBAU, GIVES UP HIS CLUB ALSO.
FEBUvAtY 27, 1875.]
OUR CHAIRMAN'S MEMORIAL.
A STORY OF WEIGHT.
THE great and ennobling peculiarity of Mr. Mipsey, the intelligent
and energetic chairman of our Select Suburban Cremation Society,
was his consideration for the feelings of those with whom he had to
deal-a sentiment clearly evinced on the occasions of our fortnightly
meetings, when he would invariably apologise to the committee for
introducing to their notice so indelicate a subject as dissolution.
So, when we had decided to present him with some slight token of
our esteem, we had much difficulty in determining as to a suitable
form for the memorial; for, being all personally acquainted with our
chairman, we wished to give him something which might, in a way,
encourage and bring into greater relief this fine distinguishing charac-
teristic of his. At length we thought we had hit on the right thing;
and, let me here say in advance, we were not deceived ; though, could
we have anticipated the dreadful uneasiness of mind which our well-
intended memorial subsequently inflicted upon him, I am sure that
not a man of us would have thought of bestowing so unfortunate a gift.
However,' calling a special general meeting on his birthday, we
handed him a handsome silver urn, having his name, followed by the
words," Nat: 31st April 1830; ob : "-and then a space for a date,
beautifully engraved on its front. He was really overjoyed, broke
down in a little speech, and carried the memorial triumphantly home ;
but, from this time forth, a
blighting cloud of depression and
misgiving seemed to hang over
the man. In company, it is true,
his keen consideration for the
feelings of .others would drive
him to a forced gaiety, but he
moped dreadfully when he fan-
cied himself alone, and often
sought the companionship of
the undertaker who had some-
how got into our society, and
who opposed every motion for
the furtherance of its object.
Mr. Mipsey (his landlady said)
would stand for hours in front
of his memorial, shaking his
head, and then suddenly rush
down to the kitchen and attempt
to weigh himself on the meat
scales; while, notwithstanding his depression, he was observed to eat
enormously (he affected principally potatoes, sugar, and rich pastry),
weigh himself-he was a very
spare man-daily at the rail-
r 'V way-station, shake his head
despairingly, and sigh; till,
^one day, as he received his
weighing ticket, a glimmer of
Satisfaction the first for
ii[IHI' months-played over his fea-
r^!^ f tures, and he patted himself
all over, and sent for an emi-
nent medical practitioner.
He had some hesitation-
if iout of respect for the practi-
tioner's feelings-in introduc-
> Thing the subject that was
O nearest his heart; but he con-
1 This token of esteem," he
i I t said, has been presented to
7?IWa, 4 1
me by some very dear acquaintances of mine: now, I amnsure that to
fail inm making a proper use of it would wound their feelings very
much. I tam not a large man, although I have lately improved in
weight; and-it's a delicate topic-I-in fact, do you think there
would be sufficient to-a-to fill it ? "
The practitioner feared not-not half enough-in fact hardly a
third; and our Chairman was much cut-up. "It would npver do!
Not .a third! They would feel very much hurt-wery much hurt!
They would say he did not appreciate the memorial!"
He began to abstain from all exercise, and employed his time in
contriving several little plans of' deception; fitted the urn with a false
bottom, and discarded that notion;
introduced a small quantity of cigar-
ash, and discarded that notion; and,
finally, determined to abandon all
thoughts of trickery, and give him-' -
self up to :corporeal development.
Under experienced and judicious
treatment, I am glad to be able to say
he has, year by year, increased in
ponderosity; but, although he is now I/J
long past middle-age, he is not yet
nearly qualified to put the memorial to
its legitimate use; and, what is more,
stoutly declares his intention to have
nothing to do with dissolution until he
is-but he has for several years em-
ployed the urn as a loving-cup at the
friendly convivials of the Select Sub-
urban Cremation Society.
THE LADY THIEF.
A PARODY ON A PARODY OF JUSTICE.
SHE stood breast high within the dock,
Caught with the watches neathh her frock.
Bright her eyes as southern sun-
The Judge's favour soon she won.
On her cheeks, a dainty flush
Put the roses to the blush.
She a lady bred and born,
Glanced around with careless scorn.
'Neath her eyes the'judge's fell;
On his heart each glance did tell.
While her crime was brought to light,
Hit he on a notion bright.
Winking o'er his glasses' rim,
Said he to that maiden slim-
Justice to the dogs we pitch,-
Go-because your friends are rich."
Sure, quoth Fun, such cases mean,
Judges. to the wealthy lean.
Laws, at last, to this have come-
One for Mansion, one for Slum.
A BALLET girl in Paris is creating a nightly sensation by entering a
cage of lions. This new Lady of Lions performs a Pauline feats, and
although she knocks the animals over pell Mell not once has she been
Claude. If a good wild Bull were lit on to join her troupe the enter-
tainment and the joke would be complete.
[FERvUARY 27, 1875.
Gent (to City Detective) :-" WELL, ZEB, HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON ? "
City D).-"BAD, SIR! VERY BAD!! No THIEVING DOING AT ALL.
TH WORLD'S GOING TO RACK AND RUIN, I THINK "
THE BOY THAT WENT TO SEEK HIS FORTUNE.
BY LITTLE JOHNNY.
-The hero of this tale finds the so-called" carnivorous plant" and proves that
there is a truth at the root of this scientific myth. The subteranean
palace and the throne of repentance. A dwarf with several personal
grievances. Astounding effect of certain articles of diet, and an obvious
cure for gout. Billy, but not the brother of our author, accepts an invita-
tion to dinner, but the viands are not entirely to his taste. Our author
commits himself to a definite promise of surpassing horrors in the
WEN Billy, but not Billy my brother, had got a way from the ole
man which wud et him if he cude he see a big flower which was a groin
on a vine. The flower was a layn on the groun open like a bel, only
bigger, and the vine was big too, like the boy constrickter at the Zoo,
but no sales or bark, so he creept in the flower to sleep, cos it was a
coming nite. But wen he got in the flower it shet up so as he cuddent
git out, but he cude git in further, and kep a creepin in, and bime by
the hole was big, and he cude wock on his feets. So Billy he went
on and on til he come to a dore, and he rapt with the kanocker, then
he see it said ring olso, and he rang, wen he puld the bel nob you
never see sech a noise, cos it was a chime, like for service, only louder
and more of em. After a wile no boddy come to opin the dore, so
Billy he went in, and it was a pallous, like Bucknum Pallous, ol gole
and dimens, but not any Queen, and Billy he said may be shes gon to
Scotlen or the Ile of White, good job, I wil take ol her money for my
own self, I have found my forten at las, so he went to a opn chest
and fild his pockets so ful of nu brite pennys he cude hardly wock,
they was that hevy. And wen he was a going a way he see a throne,
and it said on it in gole letters, not letters like the pose office, but
like Mister Brily the butchers sine,
Whoo ever thinks hissef a theef
Shude set on me to git releaf,
And wen that feller leava heel fine
That ol his trubble is behind.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 413.
TILL next month, when my bride shall be mine,
Old Time with his hour-glass seems idle ;
Four weeks yet to languish and pine-
Then the people shall witness our bridal.
1. His back, I thought would crack,
But soon erect he rose; and then I prayed
That mine were such a spine,
And I of supple stuff, like him, were made.
2. Spite of theories Darwinian,
Which with playful apes would mate us,
Every soul in this dominion,
On this word should take his status.
3. It's not that I'm a sceptic
Of your worth, Oh root comestible!
It is that I'm dyspeptic,
And you're very indigestible.
4. Smiling, Gaffer came to pay
What he owed on Lady-day.
5. Lovers twain at twilight roaming-
Vowed their love in that sweet gloaming.
SOLUTION OF ACROsnaT, No. 411.-Lever, Saint: Lass,
Octavia, Vermicelli, Empyrean, Ruminant. None Cor-
A THEATRICAL reporter and small playwright, was last
seen drinking with two comedians and an acting-manager
in a Strand public-house. He had on him several
" orders," an invitation to dine with a lessee, and the
cartes of half-a-dozen women connected with the stage.
Whoever will restore him to a decent position in litera-
ture will earn the thanks of the community.
THE Stock Exchange has been closed for repairs.
It is to be presumed that the floor was mended with
the boards of public companies. Some of the members
having been recently slated by the Press, will shortly
return the compliment by thoroughly doing up their
So Billy he said wot a nice thing that wude be for theefs, the notty
wicked men, Ive a notion to set down my own self, and play Ime one,
and Billy he set down on the throne, but he get up agin mity quick,
I can tel you, for it was read hot as fire, and made a offie grate blister,
sech schreamin, like wen you have put a bent pin in Tommy Doppys
chair, that's wot I call Billys trubble was behine, in deed it was ?
Wile he was a rigglin, and a twistin, and a trying to blohissef, there
was a dorf, and the dorf wasent as big as I be, and his head was jest
like a cask, with a bung hole for a mowth, and he did dent say any
thing, jes pointed his finger at Billy, fathers on him, too, like a chicken,
but not scratchin for werms. Then Billy he said wot a nasty little
best the dorf was, Ile kil him, that's wots the matter, see if I dont. So
he pickt up the gole and silver fire poker, and wayed him out one on the
head, hard as he cude, but the dorf diddent seem to mind it, etude still
as deth and said one! Then Billy landed him a other, and the dorf
said two! Billy called on him agin, and the dorf said three! Then
Billy turned it up, cos he see it wudent wash, and wen the dorf see the
flz was of he said,
Tit, tat, to, three in a ro,
Little boy little boy, 0, 0, 0 !
And Billy said wot made him have feathers like chickens, and the
dorf he said wen I was a little wee baby, bout as big as a cofy pot, but
no handle, I was sickly almost like dead, no strength. So the dockter
he said I musent have nothing to eat but jest egs.
So the fethers come out on my boddy and legs,
From eatin them egs, cos egs is egs.
Then Billy ast him wot made him have sech a hed like a barl, no
boddy ever had sech a hed, and the dorf said bime by they see the egs
wasent a doin me a nuf gude to pay the hens for their trubble, I fel into
a decline,' and diddent get on,
We mus git him ahead, the dockter sed,
So they giv me port wine-and this is the head!
But wot worrys me most, the dorf said, is loosin that toe, and Billy
said wot toe ? The dorf he said wy, my grate toe, don't you see how
lame I am, its gon, I tel you, wen I had drinked port wine a long time
I got the gout and suffered offle, my grate toe was like pizen!
The dockter he said weel caller that gout,
So he out of my toe to serve it out!
Then Billy, but not Billy my brother, he said that's ol very fine, but
it seems to me that you and Bo Bow Wow is as like as two pees, you
jest think evry boddy is a dyin to no wot ails you, wy shude you
button hoal.a feller which is a seeking his forten, and crowd your sore
toe down his throte, that's wot kanocks me The dorf he said Ime
share I dontno how it is, but its a way wioh ol giants and dorves has
got, Ime glad to fine out it aint so with humans, so now, if you please
weel have some dinner, come a long. Billy which was hungry jes
furious said thanks, he wude with much lplesher, so they went into a
other rume, and the dorf set down to -a table,ibut there wasent any other
chair, and wen Billy said wnde he haveltowte-til theseekend table, the
dorf he said no, you git:in to'that platterrealquick. you are nice cooked,
and I like em that way. You never seea Ilittle feller so a stonish as
Billy,leusaid you wicked glutten, you Tve took.a way my appetight,
I am apfin a way this minniin* lboddy was ever .pestered so, every
wrascle 'Imeet wants to eatrme, 'I-never! Butikthe dorf he lay down
his kanife and fork, and was jest as.a stonish ;as any boddy, cos he
said you are the only fool wihhas -come here .that said a word against
my.vittles, and you go and make ax ewjus.for-a little thing like that,
youumungrafle feller, cleer out:!
So IBilly, ;but not Billy may brother, he started to leawellike atre, and
neatweek Ile tel yea how se .got out and sock his forten in some
of.ierplace, wich is the3mostsnamnminstory which any little boys and
guils'wa.severttdle, yonmever see sech a story!
THE DE'PAR7 TED PETS..
A BEESavxD 'ONE's SToRr.
7!!! ~- _7-. -m- fM MW
ONCE I owned a cat called Peggy, who was splendid, great, and grand,
But who wasn't overbearing, and would eat from out my hand;
Or from any plate on table; and she didn't mind a dish,
So it held what she liked eating-what she liked the best was fish.
Often I have watched her actions, and I'd bet of pounds a score
That for choice she'd take from dishes-'cause you see they held the
Well, this cat possessed a playmate, who was never heard to growl-
Growling wasn't quite his business,-he was nothing but an owl ;
And beyond his owl-like blinking, which became him very well,
There was nought that in his favour it devolves on me to tell.
Yet I've often sat and watchedhim when I'd nothing else to do,
"And have thought, 0 bird of wisdom, how I wish that I were you! "
For to would I were a bird," sir, is a thing that I was taught
From my childhood's early moments, yet I don't know why I ought.
Which reminds me that I never-no, I never yet did that-
Wished, and placed the wish in words thus, "Would that I had been
Now, this cat and owl ne'er quarrelled,.and I often used to say
That we'd'always live together till the three of us were grey;
But one day there came confusion, likewise anarchy and strife,
And I felt that in the future I must change my mode of life.
And however much it grieves me, when I once make up my mind
I'm the sternest, hardest creature ever born of human kind.
I've quite often heard it stated there is nought without alloy,
And one day there came a stranger just to dissipate my joy.
Though he walked in very humbly ; was indeed nought but a mouse-
Consternation on his footsteps followed swift within the hause.;
For the owl,
And was perfectly forgetful of the presence of -the cat,
Who resented,such an action as a breach ofriendship's claimed,
And in truly feline manner called the owl somezawfal.namei.
Oh, full well do I remember how they spat, andgrowled,,aundwore,
While between-them lay the quarry.; ah, the sight was sad und4ore!
How with fur and leathers bristling, and with eye-balls allaflame,
Each one strove with each to.conquer, each -one strove with-eachfior
And I'll ne'er-forget -the passion-thatinyinmostfboul did wex
As .1 rose and stayed the quarrel-easlswrung their blessedneooks.
Ne'er shall I forget my darlings whom'in passion deqp Iilnew:-
I have had 'em stuffed divinely, as one day J'U show;to.you.
And whenever I look upon:'em, Iexclaim, !"'h, wools the:day! "
A mouse it was that ledmonein,~niylittleonBesto slay.
We night have'!been;a happy eena, Ihem -Ct, the owl, and I-
Oh why did lilestroy -my pets:F" ILoftenaloudly ary.
And-as ilf oan in-streets alone lwi d.ihthat I[-were dead-
Andithat imy fragrant animals -wre Iiningin my stead-
For, yes, they- wre.a!handsomelpair-aipearfect love was each::
I've had theirporitaits drawn toshow'what's far beyond my speech.
And .up abvve this article I trust you'll put the sketch,
'Jh laqpipatear,-if you've one near, for tIun unhappy wretch.
A Levy-.4ezeal Lache.
'Th DaihZy ,'elegnapih, in one of its learned leaders, says of hares,
that `" they 'belong to the nominating class, which, as chewing the
cud, was held in abhorrence by the children of Israel." We have
conquered any hope we might originally have held as to general exacti-
tude on the part of the "largest circulation," but there are some
things we should have expected them to be particularly correct in;
and one of them is statement of anything in connection with the laws
of Moses. Or, for the matter of that, of Levy.
"After the Last!"
A DAILY contemporary, speaking of the Crystal Palace Exhibition of
British and Foreign Cage-Birds, says, it was the finest which has taken
place since the last display of this kind." Which means that, between
one exhibition and its immediate follower, no other exhibitions-good,
bad, or indifferent-have been held. Perhaps since the last tim- the
writer of that paragraph put his pen to paper he has never written
anything half so good, or true.
An Emaciated Notion.
A WuaxuAM paper, speaking of the Cespatrick sufferers, says,
They wereina fearfully emancipated condition." How true! Fearfully
and wonderfully emancipated we should imagine they found them-
selves. And yet, even while giving utterance to this ingenuous
remark, how unconscious was its local and reportorial utterer of his
own greatness Maybe-such is the way of the world-he also will
be greatly emancipated after the usual fortnight."
A CRY FROM THE HOUSE.
SooN the men who on titles of honour are bent
Of the letters M.P. will be chary,
Since Kenealy's elected for Stoke-upon-Trent,
And Mitchel for wild Tipperary. .
"WANTED a young man to milk and serve a round." This is
not an original observation, as it comes from the advertising portion
of a daily newspaper; yet we have some dim notion that if it had
appearedd first in a "comic paper," or had been said .by a "funny
nan," the whole world of noodles would have been convulsed with
REMARKABLE NATURAL CURIOSITY.-A woman's.
FEERumRy 27, 1,87&1
[FBunvuAa 27, 1875.
IN THE WRONG BOX.
Lady:-" SEAT THE YOUNGER LADIES PIRST, PLEASE!" Attendant :-" A, LET'S SEE, YOU'RE SIXTY I THINK?"
Lady (bursting with indignation) :-" WELL, SIR AND WHAT BUSINESS IS THAT OF. YOURS, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW !"
A CREDIT TO SOCIETY.
YES, sir; in every sense of the word. You see I have good clothes
on my back, a good roof over my head, and plenty of shiners in my
pocket. I am looked up to by the low, and petted by the high ; feared
by the wicked, and respected by the pious. How did I manage it ?
Young man, in my youth I laid by a provision for my old age; and
now in the prime of life I am able to enjoy it. Work ? No! I never
worked when I could help it. Educated F Not if I knew it! myabilities
came to me quite naturally. Nature gave me the gift of the gab, and
ten nimble fingers; the rest followed as a matter of course. Steal ?
Why, of course I stole as soon as I was able tawalk, and broke all the
rest of the commandments-would have broken a lot more if there
had been any, for I had a high and noble purpose before me. I had
to prepare things for a respectable competency in my latter days.
Of course accidents are bound to happen, and my first happened quite
early. One of my usual steps led to a series of others-on the tread-
mill; but the labour didn't last long, for I soon got very ill and very
repentant, and between the chaplain and the doctor I had a jolly time
of it in the infirmary. When I left there I was pointed to as a model
instance of the working of the Merciful System-in fact, as a sinner
who was certain to mend his ways. So I did-for pocket-picking and
perjury were far too mild for me after my gaol experience. I did a
spell of burglary with great success, and an attempt or two at
garotting, and here learned some tricks which did me good service later
on; for when they laid me by the heels, and gave me penal servitude,
with just a taste of the lash, I had to be careful when I came out with
my good-conduct ticket. Then I went in for prize-fighting in a
pretty fashion, and did some damage to life and limb in my brief
career. I had now laid by a goodly stock of evil seeds to serve me
when the time came, so I just made one grand stroke. I had a wife
who was a mild, meek, harmless creature enough; so one night I just
kicked her to death, according to the merry custom of the north
countries, then gave myself up, pleaded guilty, and took my treadmill
for manslaughter like a lamb. I was well fed and well cared-for, and
the work isn't a bit harder than that many an honest man has to
When I came out of this I had done enough. I wanted to rest
upon my laurels. So I took to street preaching, varied by an
occasional turn at election rioting when either candidate paid well.
In due time I was taken in hand by the howling community, dressed
in good broad-cloth, and sent forth to spout for money as I had spouted
before in the interests of my colleagues who picked pockets in the
crowd; and here I am, as I tell you, well, jolly, and respected by all,
while if I had been an honest man I might have laboured my youth
and manhood out, to find myself at last in a workhouse, or starving to
death in a garret.
THE GLASS or FASHION.-La Duchesse.
FOR BREAKFAST. E
eClO, os 'FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JTUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Eil, Deotora' Conaons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Tleet Street, E.O.-Lendon, Feb. 27, 187&
MARCH 6, 1875.]
AN UNPLEASANT SUBJECT.
As work, in the The House," was about to begin,,
A Hat and Umbre!la came swaggering in,
And asked to be sworn-but the Speaker said, Nay,
You're not introduced in the regular way."
But the Hat and Umbrella were longing to spout,
And wanted the Speaker to argue it out.
Then Hat and Umbrella went off to traduce So Hat and Umbrella went, angry and galled,
Three judges, and treat them to vulgar abuse; To him of Baroda-whatever he's called-
The judges just altered their air of repose (For every "Daily" has printed the name,
By hardly perceptibly raising the nose! And seldom have two of them spelt it the same)-
They met that official's remarks with a scoff,
And sat on the bauble, and wouldn't get off.
The reader, of course, will at once understand
My drawing's not meant to be like Mr. Brand:
I haven't his carte, or the thing should be done ;
But, hearing of this, he may forward me one!
Expressing regret to that Indian chief
At being prevented from holding his brief;
But, granting his Highness was harrowed or cross,
He didn't give way to distress at the loss.
That Hat and Umbrella then panted to throw I "The people" considered the thing quite a joke, [ However, scurrility's likely to mar
The "Party Conspiracy" down at a blow. And sniggered-except the electors of Stoke. That Gingham's elation by going too far.
98 FU'N. T1S-[MARcH 6, 1876.
F-UN OFFICE, wednesday, March 3, 1875.
Now Dr. Kenealy's elected for Stoke,
We mustn't more fun at that gentleman poke;
Or he'll go to the House with the mob at hisheels,
And he'll make a long speech, and explain what he feels.
Oh, Dr. Kenealy! we trust you'll forget
What in past we have said. Then there's hope for us yet,
Oh, Dr. Kenealy! we trust you'll forgive
What our writers once wrote, and permit us to live!
Now Dr. Kenealy's for Stoke-upon-Trent,
He'll find out why money's so readily spent
To back up the views of those high in the State,
While those who are low must go round with the plate."
Oh, Dr. Kenealy! we trust you'll be firm,
And put your foot down-like you would on a worm.
Oh, Dr. Kenealy! so great and so good,
A buster go in-it's but right that you should.
Great Dr. Kenealy a motion has made
That the tune of the Claimant's once more to be played.
"Desist! oh, pray do !" cries each frightened M.P.
"Have mercy on us, and we'll let your friend free! "
Oh, Dr. Kenealy when Arthur comes out,
And your enemies all have been put to the rout,
We trust that you'll find yourself amply content,
Then resign, and leave Orton for Stoke-upon-Trent.
SIR HENRY JAME- has attacked no phantom giant, but a monster who
has been allowed lo prey right into the vitals of English domestic
life and prosperity. The foreign loan swindle is a festering ulcer in
our midst, to which may be traced many a broken heart or suicide
still speedier, many a swiftly-made widow, many a friendless
orphan. It is hard to say how often the bait of 10 or 12 per cent.
has taken with those who find the safe but small return of Govern.;
ment securities unequal to their necessities, and who are led into the
trap, not so much by greed, as by a desire to eke out a scanty sub-
sistence on the interest of some small bequest or smaller savings.
For the hungry speculator who is caught with his-eyes open by large
promises, which he must know, if he will only use-his judgment, will
never be fulfilled, we have no sympathy; but itis indeed a crying evil
that poor people,who know nothingwhatever about City business should
have such fooltraps thrust upon them. At a time when goodpeople are
crying aloud againstthe sinfulness of some small turfswindlerswhohave
just been exposed, does it not seem an outrage upon common sense and
justice to read the damning and colossal array of figures put forth by
Sir Henry James ? Does it not seem a mockery that our, legislators
should have been showing paternal feeling and grandmotherly
wisdom in the smallest of matters, and have allowed this -cankering
sore to assume its present gigantic proportions ? We are, however,
much afraid that even now little good can be done. Of the immense
amount-250,000,000-obtained in a comparatively short space of
time by a series of unparalleled frauds from people who may in the
-majority of cases be fairly described as poor, but very little has gone
out of the country. This is in itself a somewhat significant fact, and
one which, sad as it may seem, makes the chance of a thorough
exposure of the rascality very obscure indeed. The larger the
swindle the smaller the hope of redress, we have only too surely been
just shown over the trial of the directors of as disgraceful a fraud as
was ever perpetrated. We may be wrong in our estimate. Let us
OUT OF HIS RECKONING.
BLEAK blows the blast -the',iht i cold,
The road is dark and drear; :
There's not, as far as I beholdp.
A habitation near.
No welcome light from cot or hall
Revives me with a ray;
But darkness, like a massive pall,
Envelops all the way.
A solemn stillness reigns around,
Inspiring fear and dread;
I cannot catch a single sound-
Thank heav'n! a light ahead!
A house at last! I'll go and knock,
And see if I can sup.
(Voice within.) Well, here's ago! a try'n' the lock
Of this here blessed Lockup!"'
THE BOATRACE AND OTHER MATTERS.
I HAVE an ide9, Mr. Editor, that the sporting world is going to
rack and ruin. That is, so far as sporting writers are concerned. I
remember the time when a real good sporting writer, who could make
six picks at a field of seven without ever once naming the winner, was
a man of importance, and could ruffle it with the best of 'em. His
word was law, and if he ever did make a success and pick out a real
runner, newspaper propri tors came thronging after him, and bank-
notes were as common as batter pudding. In those times no sporting
writer ever drank anything smaller than champagne, or was ever to
be found without a goose or a turkey, or at least a ribs of beef on his
table. But such days are gone, and the stalled ox adds very little to
the hebdomadal as well as Sabbath dinner-time smoke upon the
sporting writer's table. Everything is changed now. Look at the
difference. Look at me. Here am I, a writer among a million, who
knows horses and dogs quite intimately by sight, and who has enjoyed
many a keen day's sport with the gun. and rod at Hampstead, besides
having seen the Derby run every year, hundreds of times-here am I,
with my copy crowded out week after week, and not even a chance
of getting half a quid in advance. This is the sort of gratitude a
writer meets with on a paper the fortunes of whose readers he has
made many times over, after having always sacrificed himself, without
ever expecting to get more than double as much as they would pay
him anywhere else. And so I say, as I have said before, that the
sporting world-that is, the sporting world of the sporting writers-
is going to rack and ruin. Yah!
And now as I've got rid of my temper, which always comes very
strong on me when I think of my wrongs and of the ingratitude with
which this world is filled, perhaps I had better get to business. I
know a man whose uncle lives half way between Oxford and Cam-
bridge, and so I sent to him to give me an idea as to who is going to
win the Boatrace. As might be expected, over such a momentous
question he was rather undecided. He was, in fact, rather more than
that, for the only answer I got from him was. to go and be blowed!
This to a man who, in the good old days, would have been considered
infallible! 0, sporting writing, this.is the most unkindest cut of all!
(Please to remember, for the sake of my grammatical reputation, that
the words just used are- not mine, but belong to Quotation. A very
useful fellow Quotation, by thi way, though rather addicted to queer
spelling and construction.) Well, when I found the midway man
could not assist me I went down, or rather "up," to Putney and
Hammersmith, and though the.'crews had not yet arrived, I found
opinions in plenty. The general- opinion, was that :no man could
judge unless he had something to drink.t I think it wrong to
encourage drunkenness in the, poor fellows who go down to the
Chelsea in ships, and besides, I hadn't got much money. For all that,
I got a wrinkle or two, thought the-.worst of it is.that.wwhen fitted
together, my portions. of information rather contradict each other.
But what of that ? Why do I possess an .analytical mind ? Because
I like to be an analysis. Here is one portion of my information,
which I have reduced to the comprehension of my readers, who must
be quite rusty for want of a little racy rhyme:-
Now on the fastly flowing Thames
Behold the bounding blues;
See, both their boats have pointed stems,
And all their men have shoes;
And though I do not wish to say
A word against the crews,
If Cambridge wins again to-day
Then Oxford sure must lose.
I like that. In addition to the neatness of expression there is a
conclusiveness about the argument which must go home to every son of
Neptune. I think a point might have been made here over Neptune
and ultramarine blue, .but punning and true poetry, as I have so often
remarked before, are inimical. The second portion of my information
will, I trust, when also happily reduced to the poemic faculty, suffi-
ciently explain matters for the present.
Oh little do the waters reek that run in upper Thames,:.
That once a year a raee;'i rowed by Academic gems ; :
That on old Thames's waters come a hubbub and a rout;
That mi!es on miles of people then do nothing else but shout.
Flow on, then, smiling ripplets, all unconscious of the.care
Bestowed by clever coaches on the preciousefreight you bear;
And as you flow I'll tell you-mind, I breathe it on .your brink,
That all the public-houses here charge heavy for their drink.
But what is drink to do with this, the question of the day ?
I'm not a clever statist, and I shouldn't like to say.
I do know this, however, on whichever side's your tin
That one crew must have lost before you can have scored a win.
I like this also. In fact, I consider it a perfect triumph of the 'art
MAnCH 6, 1875.] FAU N 99
of tipping, and if anyone is dissatisfied with it, he must be lost to all
sense of decency, and had better join my private advice connexion
before it is all too late. I shall very likely run down and dine with
the crews one day in the week, and if I put 'em through the mill
successfully will report thereon. I'm told both are very much best at
present. ____ Aues
tLSONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.!
X.-THE EDITOR A&ND ."MANY FRIENDS.
PA T I.
Ohn..whdhhad a wild impression
'TIhat.he'vanted to be rich
Byiadopting some profession
(Though it didn't matter which)-
After lengthened vacillation,
Ending in complete distress,
Asked his friends, in consultation,
And his friends advised The Press."
"Why, with talents so stupendous
As in him," they said, combine,
His success will be tremendous
In the literary line!
He will cause a great commotion-
Quite a literary fuss ;
And we've always had a notion
That it's much the same with us."
Then they joined in admiration,
Stating what he'd come to be-
And their state of jubilation
-Struck me. as a thing to see.
As he didn't hide his taper
Like a dilatory dunce,
Why, a leading London paper
Made him editor at once :
'Then his friends were much delighted
With his first successful leihp -
Absolutely so excited
That they couldn't go to sleep.
And with tons of contributions
They besieged his office door;
Bearing out the resolutions
They had often made before;-
Hurled the things, by reams together,
Right at his devoted head :
Some as flimsy as a feather-
Some as ponderous as lead.
Then they let -imagination
Bask in hope's, delightfulbeam :
And their state of expectation
Was a thing of which to dream.
Oh! the grave of their delusions
It was desolate and black
When he read their long effusions,
And he meanly sent them back !
It was unrelenting treason-
For the sole excuse he had
Was the insufficient reason
That the things were very bad!
Then those friends, in tribulation,
All decided with a sigh,
That complete extermination
Was the only thing, to try.
And they have from this tradition
'That that editor's.position
Is entirely undeserved.
And the state of lamentagion
Of those miserable men
Oh, it baffles ;explanation
By an ordinary pen!
THE ;CIVIL 'mSERVICE J.OaR~ALIST.
.,A CONessspK .
I AM to be executed, at midnight.
: Without, in the busy streets, I ean -hearahebhum of horses'.aoises
and the clatter of human hoofs. iThroughtthebars, of my.duogpon
ever and anon are wafted the hawker's melddioua;srypand the sogguof
,the errand boy loitering;on his way.
Cry on, oh hawker ,ashput on, obhboy! YiFor-you there isa morrow ;
for me there is none. ,The Lords ofitheiTreasury, thirst for. my .blodd.
They are coming for it when the olock-ptrikes twelve. ..On.the walls
of my dungeon let me scratch my melancholy tale. -Perchance it may
warn ambitious clerks to eschew Eterature, and avoid my earful ftat-.
I .commenced life as a, junior clerk in Ier Majesty's (Odde .add Ends
"O fce. I was. idle and careless; but Ihbad tan nble.*hoe.knew a
-general who-Jmew-a lord,, so I rose rapidly. R having a desire to go
qo theatresawithout. paying, and to get dinners an4 drinks for nothing,
I determined to become.a -member..bf the press. lI-wrote tQthe editor
of the Daily Deceiver, and offered -to do dramatic criticisms, leaders,
and descriptive reports at eighteenpence a column. My offer was
accepted, and I speedily developed into a full blown journalist.
I still drew my salary from Government, and did my articles in
Government time and on Government paper. Whenever I had to go
into the country or abroad for the D. D., I pleaded- toothache, and
obtained the required holiday. I had my face entry at the theatres.
I gushed about the people who petted me, slated the snobs who
sneered at me, and turned up my nose at the starving scribes who,
having no Government to keep them, wanted to be properly paid for
their work, and so got none.
Oh those halcyon days- gone, never to return! I brush a tear from
my cheek, and continue.
Jealous of my success, several of my fellow clerks imitated my
tactics, and got upon newspapers. The very office-boy turned
literary. He did heroic verse for a serio-comic weekly. In addition
to ordinary journalistic work, ,we supplied our editors with State
secrets at 6d. each. As important and confidential despatches passed
through our hands every day this was a source of considerable emolu-
ment. But a day of reckoning was at hand. The Lords of the
Treasury took the matter ulp, met together, drank a quarter cask of
sherry, and issued a notice to the effect that any Civil Servant who
connected himself; with a newspaper -would be held responsible for
everything that appeared in it.
This edict struck terror to our hearts. We never opened a paper
now without a feeling of dread. With tears in our eyes we implored
editors to be more careful. We knew that this shameful regulation
would bring us to grief. It did. I was the first victim. This is how
The chief of the Odds and Ends Office gave a gar 'en party. His
name was Smythe. Wishing to please him, I sent a full account to the
Deceiver. They printed his name Smith. Little did I dream, as I
posted him a copy with the account marked, what would be the dread
He read the paper without a word. Then he rose, and signed a
warrant for my arrest. I was bound bandand foot, and led before the
Lords of the Treasury. Deaf to my entreaties, unmoved by my tears,
they condemned me to a painful and ignominious death. My life-
blood is to be drawn off to make red tape for the unwitting Civil
Servants of the future. Thank heaven! my ink will be shed in my
I am to be executedat midnight! Ah! They come! .Oh, ma mere!
From the Daily Deceiver. Feb 18- .
The execution of Mr. the well-known Government clerk and
journalist, took place at Whitehall this morning. By order of the
Lords of the Treasury, the body was afterwards embalmed, and placed
in the Odds and Ends Office as a warning to those employs who may
have a desire to connect themselves with journalism.
[MARCE 6, 1875.
Irate French Master (to trembling juveniles) :-" MAL! MAL TRES MAL ALL-ZE-FOBM !
GO-TO-THE-BOTTOM! [All go.
THE WRECK OF THE FRANCAIS.
A TALE OF THE HARTLEPOOLS.
AT dawn on a wild December day,
They spied the ship in the stormy bay
'Mid the seething foam and the tempest's roar,
Fighting for life and the Redcar shore.
And the coast-folk watch with straining eyes,
As the tug-boat makes for its promised prize ;
And the master shouts to the drowning crew,
" How much for your lives if we pullyou through ?"
The answer is heard o'er the billow's roar,
But the tug-man values his help at more.
Who cannot afford the price to pay
Must weather the storm as best he may.
Then the coast-folk watch with bated breath,
As the good bark reels in the jaws of death;
While the captain stands on the streaming deck,
Lash'd to the helm of the floating wreck.
There are deadly perils on either side,
O'er which no ship on the sea can ride;
But the tug-man stretches no hand to save
A gallant crew from an ocean grave.
The salt spray lashes their straining eyes,
And the tempest smothers their drowning cries
As the billows break o'er the battered bark,
And she slowly sinks neathh the waters dark.
Nine bodies are washed on shore that day,
Sodden and soaked from the wild Tees bay
And women away on the Norman shore
Are waiting for those who will come no more.
Oh! shame on the men who can aid withhold,
While they chaffer and haggle for jingling gold-
Who proffer their help as a thing to buy,
And, spurning the penniless, let them die.
RICH AND POOR.
A CAsE heard a few days back does more to show the curious
inequality of our criminal laws-or rather of the application of them
-than would columns of leaded type. The daughter of a labouring
man resident at Hanley found a cigar case containing three twenty-
pound notes and some gold, and took it home to her father. The
father, an ignorant countryman, evidently believing in the old maxim
that findings are keepings" spent some of the money, and sub-
sequently found himself before the local Bench, who, with that due
regard for the rights of property which characterises our provincial
magistrates, sentenced him to twelve months' imprisonment. We
suppose this is quite right; but we cannot help comparing the position
of this ignorant and almost involuntary criminal with that of the
young "lady," who, after being found guilty of a deliberate and wanton
theft, was discharged because her relatives were wealthy. And yet
we are told there is justice in England for all. There is; but the
poor unfortunately get rather too much of it, laid on with perhaps too
liberal a hand. Now, if each of these pounds had been a thousand-
But it is useless to speculate. It is also dangerous nowadays, as Sir
Henry James and the law reports amply testify.
Chips from the Queen's Bench.
OILS well that ends well.
Make Hay while the sun shines.
It never rains but it pours in Torrens.
It's a queer well that has a Long bottom.
0 Tempora! 0 Mores!
THE Irish Times last week placed its list of births and deaths under
the head of Public Amusements." This not only gives a notion of
Irish times, but is by no means unmindful of a certain kind of Irish
The Ken-heal-ying Art.
WHY may Parliament be presumed to be in a bad way ?-Because
the Doctor's in the House.
FUN.-MARCH 6, 1875.
THE OLD MAN OF THE Q.C.
SIN-BAD, AND STOKE WILL FIND YOU OUT.
-- U N '-- cH 6, 1875.
MARCH 6, 1875.]
THE BONNIE WEE CRAB.
AND NOT FORGETTING THE OYSTER.
MR. WINKLE says that a crab, seeing an open oyster on the beach, will piek
up a stone, and crawling gently up, will drop it into the shell, so that it cannot
close, and then enjoy his bivalve. Mr. Winkle says this to him is a very common
[THE Editor begs to express his belief
In the story as given above,
But he's had a long note from some son of a thief
Who seems to imagine he's cause for great grief,
And who says it is absolute shove."
This letter is not of an elegant kind-
It's rambling, and possibly rot.
It seems that the writer's to argument blind ;
His notions are queer, as the reader will find-
He doesn't know much of what's what.]
That the world is my oyster I freely admit,
But with sorrow and shame I must say,
That the smallest of oysters, the smallest of wit-
On the smallest of rocks I most constantly split-
Are all that has come in my way.
When I read that an oyster's been caught .by a crab
I give an extravagant wink;
Then I hie to a fish-shop and gasp on a slab,
And I weep that I haven't the gift of the gab
To feebly express what I think.
What to think !-there's the rub!-for I feel like a lout
When I hear how the oyster gets nabbed;
For it's my firm belief that the oyster jumps out
And calls for his vinegar, pepper, and stout;-
Yes, it makes me feel awfully crabbed.
0 long must I grieve, for I'll never believe
That a crab is so clever and strong.
Now-oysters, I'm sure, are as good as they're pure,.
I'd like a few now if I could 'em secure ;
But maybe'd you'd think it was wrong.
0 where and 0 where shall I find a seashore,
With its crabs all so rich and so rare!
Where of oysters a score, or maybe many more,
May relieve the fond heart now so awfully sore,
And where crabs may be found, and to spare.
When I've found out the place I will thitherward race,
And I'll hide from the faces of men ;
I'll believe in the story as told by-your friend,
I'll be sceptic no more, but will instantly mend.
Then I'll turn a new leaf, and express my belief
And admit that the crab not the oyster's the thief.
But I'll never believe it till then.
MANIFOLD SNms.-Police Reports.
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
PEOPLE who are fond of the legitimate drama ought to be thankful
for the efforts made by Mr. Hollingshead, who keeps three houses-the
Gaiety, the Opera Comique, and the Holborn Amphitheatre-open at
their service. We don't profess to know exactly what the legitimate
drama is, but as most of those who have, for the last half-dozen years,
been howling for it are in a similar position, what does that matter P?
Besides, it is nice and wholesome for the public, is not particularly
expensive to its philanthropic promote r, and gives the small theatrical
reporters a chance of learning their bu-iness,. So, pass on, Hollings-
head, and prosper.
The result of having more theatres than you can conveniently
manage was shown last week in the Adelphi advertisement, which, so
far, at all events as the Telegraph goes, contained the Princess's piece
and cast,:without "the kind permission of F. B. C., Esq., for this
occasion only." But then, Mr. Chatterton is not a literary man, a
species of heinous offender for whom this other triple lessee has doubt-
less every reason to feel contempt.
At the Olympic, the Two Orphans still draw tears and well filled
houses. But their run is short, and we should recommend all who
wish to enjoy what may not be particularly legitimate, but is certainly
good and pathetic, to take the advice of Mrs. Jarley, and be in time,
be in time.
Those "stall chairs are still advertised as being placed in the
orchestra at the Lyceum. This is a "stall" of a profitable kind;
but there's not much saved if the band has to sit in the dress circle
or the usual seats. We suppose even Mr. Bateman puts them
Mr. Cave, who has been very successful lately at the Marylebone
Theatre, has given his patrons a taste of what we suppose may be
called "legitimate" pantomime-Mother -Goose-which has been
rapturously received. It is said that Mr. Cave was in the original
cast of this piece, and that he played first banjo ; but this we don't
believe. Neither will torture nor the suspension of the free-list com-
pel us to do so.
At the Globe, Lydia Thompson, assisted by Lionel Brough and
"Washee-Washee," still carries all before her. The Lord Chamber-
lain doesn't seem to have done much harm to the house, no matter
how he may have succeeded with the deputy sub-assistant-managers.
THE GRATEFUL GUEST.
SUCH a ball !-I've been delighted.
(Thought the whole concern a bore.)
Happy that I was invited !
(Catch me coming any more.)
Everybody so diverting!
(How my worried noddle whirls!)
Then the quizzing and the flirting!
(What a vulgar lot of girls !)
As for supper, 'twas delicious.
(I'd a wedge of chicken, tough.)
Better wines you could not wish us.
(There was hardly half enough.)
All so genial and so hearty.
(Mercy, such a set of snobs.)
Just the people for a party.
(What's-his-names and Thingumbobs.)
Miss M'Crotchet sang divinely.
(Ground my teeth until they ache.)
Herr von Blitz played very finely.
(Rather shaky on the shake.)
Charming girl your daughter's growing.
(Very plain and very fast.)
Well, good night.-I must be going.
(Rapture! Bliss!-I'm free at last.)
Punctuality the Thief of Time.
THE Morecambe Chronicle, in a short but not uneventful history of a
trip to Bradford, commends the punctuality of the train, which arrived
at Morecambe, on its return journey, "at least half an hour before its
appointed time." It was probably well that the other trains were not
"punctual" after the manner in which we understand the word's use,
or our friend the local might not have felt so satisfied, and might
then have used a term more befitting the unseemly haste of the driver.
But we had forgotten to remark that we don't believe a word of the
statement, which makes all the difference. It wouldn't be right, you
know, when we can't get our trains up to time even, to allow a com-
mon country railway to go half an hour in front of it. We may not
be very bright, but we do know that.
[MARon 6, 1875.
PUDDING TIME IS PRECIOUS TIME.
Mamma:-" Do YOU LIKE THIS PUDDING, FEANKEY ?" (N1 answer.) "You SHOULD
SAY, YES, MAMMA, EAR.' "
Little Frankey (who is three years and a half old) :-"BUT YOU TOLD ME YES'DAY I
SHOULDN'T TALK WHEN EATING-- SIDES DIS IS TOO GOOD TO LOSE TIME OVER."
DOUBLE ACROSTIC. No. 414.
OH guardian of the young, new blooming year,
Who, rough and kindly, watchest at the gates :
Let not rude Winter find a foot-place near,
Whose breath all Nature's beauty devastates.
1. With aching heart, she watched night's progress slow,
Her eyes bedimmed with sorrows silent rain ;
Till, tardy first, then with quick burning glow,
The sun arose. Hope in his radiant train.
She breathed new life, new strength from ev'ry ray,
And blest the giver of the glorious day.
2. Now softly through the gloom she bent her way,
And, opening wide the gate, let in the day ;
There stood she, in her robes of virgin white,
And Phoebus bathed her in a flood of light.
3. Of lover and beloved, the trusted friend
With vilest treachery their trust repaid,
The lurking wretch, to gain his wicked end,
Destroyed the youth, then wooed the wretched maid.
4. Designed by a very rare carver and gilder--
Primevally ancient-Dame Nature its builder:
The dwelling is far from society's tracks;
No rent's ever claimed, and it never pays tax.
5. A right royal draught is the red spiced wine,
To pledge the monarch new crowned;
It sparkles and laughs in the day's clear shine ;
And the champion drinks to the right divine,
Then casts his gage on the ground.
SOLUTION OP ACROSTIO No. 412 :-February Catarrhs: Fustic, Edda,
Bonnet, Regina, Usurer, Acceptor, Relish, Yes. Correct: Gyp, No-
vocation, Arthur and Alec, Boh, Northwich, Hoptop, Brice, D. E. H.,
Em and Inn, Row, Lindis, Ruby's Ghost, Chic, Pihcnam, A Need,
Jtkbp, Three Coritanians, Dyk, Repose, Slodger and Tiny, J. C. W.,
X. Q., Two Lambos, Liebig Family.
A Loop LINE.-The hangman's cord.
SHE has the most alluring eyes-
A little Grecian nose;
She wears the most bewitching guise,
And parti-coloured hose !
Her touch can thrill one strangely when,
One clasps her in the dance;
At least, they tell me'so-but then,
I never had the chance !
Her melting tones, so people say,
Intoxicate the brain,
And leave, when she has gone away,
A joy akin to pain.
Her voice is like sweet music, when
Its strains are soft and low;
So those who've heard it say-but then,
I never did, you know!
She makes the most superb ragout-
Knits stockings by the score;
Knows Latin, and Italian too,
Greek, French, and plenty more!
She's just the girl to sweeten life-
In short, she is a perfect wife !-
But then she isn't mine I
THE gentleman who, under the intoxi-
cating influence of splendid scenery, de-
clared that a walk upon the North Terrace
at Windsor was his idea of l'erracetrial
happiness, and a walk upon the East Ter-
race his idea of Seelestial enjoyment, has
been committed for trial. The sentries
who overheard the remark are still inmates
of the Infirmary.
A POPULAR CEEEAL.-Cornhill.
LOTS AND LINES.
SIR HENRY JAMEs proposes to attack the monstrous system of
foreign loans of the perennially defaulting kind. May good diges-
tion wait on appetite."-- Mr. Gladstone has published his pamphlet on
" Vaticanism." I pause for a reply." He doesn't seem a bit fright-
ened, and certainly deserves the warmest thanks of all Catholics who
are not Ultramontanes. = Clerk of the Board of Green Cloth made to
pay a solicitor's bill. Didn't know billiard players kept clerks before.
But they're awful swells since the late tournament. = University
men prepare to descend on the London river. Intense excitement at
Putney. Sudden eruption of blue. = All in the blues the crew lay
moored, when blue-eyed coxswain came on board. This when the
blue moon arrives, and Putney obstacle has been blew down. =
More daring robberies from the person." We don't know who this
person may be, but he seems to stand it very well. = Departure of
Sir Garnet Wolseley for the Cape. Strange that a Garnet should be
the most precious jewel on Afric's shore. = The Prince Imperial has
been feted. The Bonapartes always did believe in the doctrine of fte.
= Dr. Kenealy Oh, blow Dr. Kenealy. = General Garibaldi
is satisfied that the French appreciate his services at their true worth.
Ahem! another of the wrongs of Ireland. = The Queen is about to
hold a Drawing-room. Remarkable, and unusual, feat of strength. =
Roman Catholic clergyman refuses to pray over a deceased Freemason
and soldier. Alas for the rarity of Christian charity under the sun."
= Mr. Bessemer's ship proved a decided success. That is, on still
water. Bide a wee, till she gets to sea. = Hampstead not to escape
the Smallpox Hospital after all. The Wale of Elth will be a sad
misnomer now. = Old lady in Sheffield Workhouse about to cele-
brate her 106th birthday. Perhaps she has counted every month a
year since she has been in "the house." We always do, when
we're there. = Jury unable to agree about the Canadian Oil Wells
swindle. Different from the public, who made up their minds long
Quite too Dreadful.
A PAINFUL rumour is in circulation, that the authorities at Alder-
shot intend to make the soldiers more comfortable, by replacing the
wooden huts by brick and mortar ones. Make the soldiers comfort-
able! Why we shall be treating them like ordinary flesh and blood
next. The service is going to the dogs."
MA 6, 1875.] FU 105
in the air, cos the crutches was made of green wood and they tuke
THE BOY THAT WENT TO SEEK HIS FORTUNE. |root and grode, the soil was that rich! Then he was a frade to let go
BY LITTLE JOHNNY. so he kep a bein lifted hi upper til he was out of site of land, maybe
21ly continues to fly from the subterranean palace, and finds an old a thowsen hunderd miles hi! Pretty sune it was ol dark, but after a
friend who hospitably receives him. su cetacean lumber-room, and a wile he see a little round spot of lite rite a above his head which kep a
friend who hostably receives m. A cetacean meti bigger and bigger, not his head did but the spot of lite, and
glimpse of the Golden Age. The aspiring crutches, and the bottomless getting bigg he ome rite p ot hisof a ell in a ton ich the hadspot of litnever
well. The hero of this tal receives some wholesome advice, and the bimebi ho come rite up out of a well in a town wich he had never see
narrawell. Thive ero of ludwith an aproriate and most imaginative oupdet before! Ten Billy he stept ashore and worked threw the streets,
narrative conclude wth an appropriate and most ag couplet. but nobody was there, the peoples was ol dead, but as he went on
he heard some boddy a singin m a house, and this was the tune :
I TOLE you las week luke out for some thing fritefle this time; as he heard some oddy a singing in a house, and this was the tune
Uncle Ned, which has been a sojer says, ly lo for black ducks, black ittenyatteny,mm e um, fo !mew,
ducks I pose is cannon balls, how can a feller help lyin lo for em wen Orumielly, ummelly, fetherum, fb-
they has tuke of his head like it was a apple? Sealskin soop's a sooperior brew-
Once there was a captain in a battle, and there was a calvary charge, Crayfish, crabapple, blackberry, Boo!
and a sojer which was on the other side he drod his saword and cut of Wen Billy herd that he went in the house, and there was a little
the captains head, but it dident fol of his neck, it was cut so slick. huntch back feller with eyes like sossers, a setting on some money bags
Bime by the fite was to a end, and the captain he went to the generals and he said the huntch back did, wot did Billy want, and Billy said
tent to wake him up and tel him there had been afite, so wen he came Ime a seeking my forten. So.the huntch back he laft jest like- he had
in the generals tent he tuke of his hat polite like. a French man, but tooth aik, and hesaid I tel you wot to do, little boy, you go down this
the hat stuck so tite the head was pull of in the hat. Wen the captain street til you come to a other, and you will see a empty wel. Billy ke
see wot was up he was the sprisedest feller in the army ; he luked said I know that wel a nuf, wot else, and the huntch back said you
at his head a wile, and then he felt his neck, andthun he said to his get a rope a bout ten thowsan hunderd million miles long and let
self, I was ol ways a cool resonable'feller, but there no doubet a bout yourself down that wel. Wen you get down turn to yure rite and pas
it, Ime of my nut this time. Then the general, which had woke, he see threw some sheep pasters, get over a stile and yule come to a lumber
how it was, and he said Captin, git some wax, but the captain he said rume, go rite on and yule come. out amung some teeths, like wales
no, sir, I got one wack olreddy,,and that's a nuf. teeths. Dont worry thle; wale, but go into a Pallice like Bucknam
When uncle Ned had tole me that story I thot a wile, and then I Pallice,,be sure you dont stop-to dinner nor sit down to warm you,
said was it ol tru, and he said weot, have I live to be fifty years ole, then you will come out of a big. flower a groin on a vine. Dont pick
and been in Injy, and evry were, and you dare to say taint so, bles the flower, but keep your nose be fore you, and yule pas a ole man if
my sole, how infidellity is a in creasin, we got to have some more you are wise. Wen you come to a cros rodes were there is a feller
Bitiops -- --- like a hay stack you mussent be leave a word he says, but fowler yure
But I was a goin to tel about Billy, but not Billy my brother, wici those to the first house on your rite. -, .
went to seek his forten, wel, wen he had got a way from the dworf Then Billy he said iwy, that wude be my fathers house, and the
which wanted him for dinner he went thru a long passidge, a trine to huntch back said yes, it was open so that objeektion, but mind he must
fine his way out of the pallous, which I tole you a bout, but he was met stop there and go to work as hard as ever he cude, and he wude'fine
by a big tank of water like the hippose tank to the Zoo, only bigger, his forten, and he mus never, never, nvy r. read notty, wicked, fairy
he cudent see more than halef a cros it! And wile Billy was a rolen storys, not if he dide for it! And Billy sai. he wude.
up his trowsers to waid there was a wale, and the wale it opend its Blitherum, blatherum, catch em a live
mowth like a raleway tunnle teeths like mile stones, only not far be 11 is 20 and 7 is 5!
tween em, cloce, and Billy he seen some thing rote on one of the wales
teeths, and it said, the ritin did, No Thurryfair, and it was signed
Jonah, his X mark. So Billy he said, we], I have found a ole friend AN UNHAPPY MEDIUM.
at las, I new him ever since I went to Sandy Skool, I under has he
got lodgins to let now, like he use to have, for single gennelmen. Yas, I'm a lugubrious sort ofa bard,
But Billy he dident have time to be as funny as he cude, cos the wale Assuming a jocular tone,
came up cloce and tuke him in and swollered him, he went down so And, deeming my "lines" to be awfully hard,
fast like he was greaced and thot he wude never stop. Suppose that the fault is my own.
When he got to the bottom it was dark, like the sunny side of a And yet my misfortune, as well as my fault,
nigger, and he had to see with his fingers, like the poor ole bline man Is crushing me under its ban;
which sels fotigraps in the street which he cullers to home, and Billy I don't in the common-place guiltily halt,
hurt hissef follin over things, there was rusty ankers, and ole cannens But cannot get far in the van.
which had sunk in ships, and tangles of telligraft cable, and ole I pine in obscurity day after day,
wimmens in bathin dresses, and barrils of wale oil, and some brite new But nothing my energy damps;
harpoons, and wotever the wale had been able to pick up and had et. In playing the r6le I am destined to play,
But bime by Billy he came to a stile, and wen he got over it was jest And spending a fortune in stamps.
sun rise, and he found his self in a butifle country, green feelds and But still you'll agree it is horribly sad,
paschers, with cattles and sheeps a feedin, and shepperds a setting down That almost all editors should
and playing sweet mewsics on floots, wile the sheeps was a brain their Eternally tell me that, though I'm "not bad,"
necks a tumblin of the roex, and a drowndin their selfs in the brooks, I'm not yet sufficiently good.
and a stickin fas in the mire, and a bein had for dinner by wolphs. I'm thought to be very amusing indeed
Billy, but not my brother Billy, he went rite up to a sheppered By many a feminine friend ;
which was a flootin lovely, and roses and grapes onto his head and he I figure in albums that no one will read,
said, Billy did, you jest ot, to hear Maddem Ongow plade on a hand And there my abilities end.
orgen by a feller which knose how to play it, Ibet it wude make yure 'Tis hard being better than those of your set,"
ears wiggle, yes in deed But the sheppered he didden say nothing, 'Tis harder receiving this hint,-
jest floated a way like he wude bust. Pretty sune there was troops, "Sufficiently clever fr manuscript, yet
but not sojer troops, of nice girls sech as Mary, that's the house maid, Without enough talent for print."
wude be if she diddent have much close on, and thay was a singing fine
like a choquire in church. Billy he harked a wile, and then he said
that's good, and flang em some hapennys, but no they wudent tuch Wanted I!
em! So Billy he said I never seen the like, never, thay wil find their- AN advertisement states that a lady is required as nursery governess
self in the work house if they pform for jest nothing at all, serve in a gentleman's family. Having done this it goes on to say that in
em rite, Ile go see if I can find a Punch and Jewdy she. addition to a thorough knowledge of English, French, Music, and
So Billy he went on and on til he met a ole wuman which was a wockin Latin, the lady will be required to make the children's clothes.
with 2 crutches, one under each arm, she had gray hair, sech a wicked Genteel children are, as a rule, better clad than taught; but the reverse
lukin ole wuman! Wen Billy see her he sassed her, saying did her mother is likely to be the case in this instance. Such combination of profes-
kno she was out, and evry sech badness which he cude ackuse her of, but sions is, to say the least, peculiar, and if it is to obtain we may look
she only grinned, shoin her snaggy teeths, and said little boy, you before long for announcements of Tailoring and Tuition done here ;"
mind my crutches a minnit wile I run home and eat a baby, Ime so or Gentlemen's Garments and Grammar repaired on the Shortest
faint, dont you dare to wock with em, cos you cant, they are too long, Notice."
yude have to stick em in the ground. So she dropt em and ran a way
like a deer, and Billy tuke em up and tried first thing to put em under A Theatrical Por-cine.
his arms like hern, but he had to find a soft place and put the pints in WHy do managers avoid roast pork ?-Because they don't care
the ground, then he got his arms over em, but in a minnit he was up about Pig'ot.
LMAECH 6, 1875.
LIGHT AS AIR.
Customer (to proprietor of large establishment) :-" I WANT A MOUVNING SUIT, PLEASE."
Proprietor:-" WHAT IS THE BEREAVEMENT, MAY I ASK?" Customer:-" MY MOTHEB-IN-LAW."
Proprietor (to distant shopman) :-" Ma. BROWN, SHOW THIS GENTLEMAN TO THE 'LIGHT APPLICTION DEPARTMENT.' "
NEXT WEEK'S NEWS.
SEVERAL directors of public companies will be charged with fraud
by the shareholders who expected to get 20 per cent. for their money,
and didn't. Poor thieves will be sent to prison and rich ones home to
their friends. A dead fly will be found in the cistern of a West End
Club, and Parliament will deliberate upon the subject. Mr. Bright
will write a letter to a constituent which will be wilfully misunder-
stood." The Spanish special of the Telegraph will mention his claw-
hammer coat," and refer to his friends in business. Several jewel
robberies will be committed and the police will be upon the track of
the culprits. They will remain there. The Lords of the Treasury
will issue an order making Civil Servants responsible for everything
that appears in the agony columns. There will be a strike and a lock-
out. The strikers will be called conspirators and the lockers-out will
be called victims. A celebrated public character will lecture upon the
Drama, Politics, Literature, Art, Military Tactics, Sociology, Decimal
Coinage, Typhoid Fever, Himself, his Friends, and his New Trousers.
Metropolitan magistrates and country juries will strive for the palm
of idiocy. The Metropolitan magistrates will win by a short head.
A NOTOHIOUS humbug says that his crooked dealings are often
caused by straitened circumstances.
(" ArraT SUCKLING." BEFORE SPANKING.)
THEY called him tiddy ickle sing,
And soothing syrups they did bring
To stem the rising squall.
In vain they sought for secret pin,
And gave him peppermint and gin-
Yet louder did he bawl.
Beneath his petticoats his feet,
Like little mice who pussy meet,
Did twist and twirl about;
And 0 he roared in such a way-
No costard seller blithe and gay
Gives half so loud a shout.
His tears an instant cease to flow-
Anon he wildly squeals, as though
Some flea had bit him badly.
Poor pa he rises up in ire,
Strong argument does him inspire-
Things end for baby sadly.
THE COMING RACE.-The Oxford and Cambridge.
FOR BREAKFAST. _. T TT
S-" 'FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phosnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Doctors' Commons, and Pubhshed (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.O.-London, March 6, 1875.
MARCH 13, 1875.]
TO A QUERULOUS POET.
TELL me not in fluent verses
All your miseries and wrongs;
Why should troubles, tombs and hearses,
Aye be burden of your songs P
You of all men, sure, should know it,
That the comic muse is gay,
And the real comic poet
Lives in laughter every day.
Though he be in want of money
To attain his simplest ends,
'Tis his duty to be funny,
Thus make joyance for his friends.
Learn the lesson, friend, I give you,
Let your verse be pleasant chaff;
Work like yours will not outlive you -
You but angle for a laugh.
Leave all troubles to the tragic,
Leave dull morals to the dull,
Soon you'll find your fun, like magic,
Penetrate the thickest skull.
Leave to Tennyson and Browning
Dreams of fame and hopes of pelf;
You, whose line's but pleasant clowning,
Must abandon thought of self.
I'VE no objection to a pun,
Providing it's a bright'n;
And scribble little things for Fun,
Then fancy I'm a Crichton.
And though I do not care a bit
'Bout writing for the papers,
I like, at times, to show my wit,
And cut my little capers.
I dream of many a mighty deed,
Like every young beginner;
But fear I never can succeed,
Except it be at dinner.
My appetite was never spoiled
By melancholy vapours;
Give me my leg of mutton boiled,
Then can't I cut my capers!
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
A Peck of Troubles is a tempting-looking, if objectionably named,
book, published by the Sunday-school Union for young readers. In
it is shown conclusively, so far as paper and ink go, that it is best to be
honest and true, and if the good boys were not so very virtuous, and
the bad boys so extremely sinful, we might have felt inclined, after
reading, to give up our own miserable mediocrity and go in for one
side or other of the question. Bat we cannot go the lengths in either
case that seem to be necessary, and so while recommending the book
to those who believe in this kind of literature, we reserve to ourselves
the right of continuing our mildly innocuous career.
Those people who are always ready to prove that the human race
has deteriorated even in their time will do well to study Mr. Planch6's
new Cyclopcedia of Costume. After duly considering the Part for-
warded to us, we are prepared, while admitting the great care and
attention which have been bestowed on it by both author and artists, to
bet on the beauty of modern men, as well as on the incomprehensibility
of ancient horses, and the decided advantages of the present system of
dress, stove-pipe hat not excepted.
We have been favoured with a pen which its inventor says writes
by simply dipping it into cold water." This looked like saving us
much work, and so we watched, after dipping, with great anxiety. But
the pen made no outward or visib'e sign; nd up to the time of
going to press it remains at the bottom of the water-butt, as obsti-
nate as ever.
MAGAZINES FOR MARCH.
Macmillan's is unusually solid this month, and will be found ex-
tremely useful to those who like an excuse for their after-dinner nap.
Some "lines on the recovery of Prince Leopold "-who is, by the way,
called gallant youth "-are neither particularly happy nor requisite.
Dean Stanley, the writer, is evidently anxious to show that he can
assist at something other than funerals. This is good, but the black
work" evidently suits him best.
In the Gentleman's, Mr. Francillon's paper on the peculiar tastes and
THE ART OF DRAWING.
Mistress :-" YES, MARY, THAT GOOSE WAS VERY NICE AND MILD."
Mary :-" YES, M'M. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE; COOK DRAWED IT MILD."
requirements of great authors will be read with interest. To slightly
alter the words of the old song, some like coffee, some like tea, and
some like a little drop of soda and B. Not that there is any particu-
lar mention of this latter literary "lotion" of the present day.
Neither is there any reference to the famous writer who was once
heard to say that bread-and-cheese was good stuff to write on, but
beef teak was better. That such a marvellously clever remark as this
should have escaped Mr.Francillon's observation passes our comprehen-
sion, and we trust that in future papers he will devote some space toit.
There are several good things in Temple Bar. The best of them is the
second notice of the much objected to but still more read Greville
Memoirs, the reviewer of which is somewhat of a humorist. After all
that has been written and said about the Clerk of the Council and his
editor, we are decidedly of opinion that if anyone were to find and
publish some memoirs of Adam and Eve or Judas Iscariot, there
would be lots of contradictions and counter assertions furnished by
persons who remembered the writer well. Also various proposals for
the book's suppression from friends of the survivors.
Among many good things in the Saturday Journal one stands out
pre-eminent. This is called Horse-racing as a Business;" and a very
queer business it is, according to our author. He tells us that the
highest impost in a handicap is 8st 121b; that 1,000 sterling, even,
has been presented to a successful jockey"; that the difference
between 8st 121b and 7st is thirty-two pounds; that a rider on his
death-bed confessed that he had, by means of signs given during trials,
conveyed "all that took place" to a tout perched in a tree three-
quarters of a mile off; and many other stories of a like kind. 0
Augspur, Augspur, thy glery is indeed departed!
The Argosy, despite its motto, is not laden with golden grain"
this month, its most sterling contributor, Johnny Ludlow, being
noticeably absent. There is; though, some fairly good reading well
worth the money.
Le Tollet's lovely ladies appear bedecked according to the laws
which govern the world of fashion. One of them seems to have grown
somewhat, but then art is proverbially long. This may account for
more difficult things than are found in the study uf fashion plates.
108 FUN. tMAn 13,.1876.
iUNvy oICB, Wednesday,
March 10, 1875.
AT a time when there is much outcry about the purification of the
drama, and when people who never did anything to effect'vwhatever
*small change has been effected are laying claim to a vast amount of
consideration, small things are- apt to:.:attract large-,attenwion.
One of the greatest curses of' dramatic literature and dramatic art has
for long been a kind of pot house intimacy existing betweentheatrical
people and theatrical critics; and it was hoped ihat things had now
altered for the better, in that respect at all events. But when we
find the Examiner of Plays taking part in a supper given at a play-
house to commemorate the success of a piece, and, in his gratitude,
making honeyed speeches, how can we expect the poor hirelings of
the press to respect their positions snd avoid an intimacy which must
materially affect the value, if not the justice, of their opinions ? The
'Examiner seems, in the fulness of his heart-we will not say stomach
-to have been rather oblivious of fact. When he spoke glowingly
.about legitimacy, and disparaged opera-bouffe, the gushing official was
rather unfortunate. It is, indeed, but a very short .time since opera-
bouffe was played at the Lyceum, and by no means the best specimens
of their kind were selected. It is to be presumed the lessee profited
by the transaction. ,We trust it will be understood that we have no
feeling whatever in the. matter beyond a. natural desire that all
-persons holding high ,and responsible functions should take .the
.:greatest care lest a breath of suspicion -should sully, not only. their
own -personal reputations, but those which belong to the offices they
hold. That, the feast was a.,graceful recognition of. past favors
we are only too ready to admit; and doubtless the .supper,
or the, friendships formed at it,, will in no .way affect the
Examiner's judgment .with regard -to ..-future plays. ,Still,
- there will not be wanting ill-natured people to say illnatured
things. However, by a merciful dispensation of Providence, good
may be educed fromthe most unpromising of subjects. Those people
-who have,,sneered at the critics for. so long, rand who have so often
accused them of being .bought by suppers, will-hardly now be able to
ventilate their notions without introducing a much more pretentious
element than that'which has sufficed them. hitherto. ,And so, perhaps,
the Examiner of .Plays may have earned his supper, and done good
service, after all.
Is :our, Civilization a Failure ?"
AN advertisement for a servant at a school a little 'way in ; the
country says, "no washing, cooking, knives, or windows." This might,
from the. servant- girl's point of view, be considered an.easy,, but rather
exposed, '- situation." It would, however, be hardly the kind of school
for "young gentlemen," unless indeed hardihood and savagery are really
the greatest .requirements of modern life. And in the face of many
recent events, we at all events are 'hardly inclined to- deny that they
UNanoxN RrPosE.-The "Rest" of the Bank of England.
MASTER AND -MAN.
As this is a country of perfect equality,
Where rich and where poor are:all:-treatedailile,
The poor move about with the greatest, of ellity
Singing aloud, with a tol the rol-lollity,
"Won't it be nice when we turnout.on strike!
Down in'South Wales, youaknow,
Workmen are bound to go,
Whether they're willing to take work or leave it,
'Cause the employer proud
Has with his fellows vowed
That unless all, not one half shall receive it."
Thus spoke a workman gay,
iAnxious for extra pay,
"We've got a.-want, letss strike and achieve it."
- Oh yes, in this country there's perfect equality,
Rich men and poor are all treated as one;
And: having regard to the state of our polity,
isn't it fine that, with tol the rol lollity,
-,Menmay.turn out and take part in the fun ?
Somehow' or other, though,
Labour has found a foe:-
Men-must-be good orwe'll soon teach ?em.reason.
Think, if they' had their' way,
What we should have to:pay!
,Why, this behaviour seemsworse than high treason!"
Thus spoke a master loud,
Strong in his wealth, and: proud,
"Keep 'em in quod during all the dull season!"
PONTIFEX McCANIMISTER, M.P.
MEMBER returned to serve in- the present PARLIAMENT. Borough
of Coke-upon-Littleton. Pontifex .McCannister, of .London, in the
C countyy of Middlesex, Esquire, in the place of John Smith, Esquire, who
shas accepted the office of Steward of .Her Majesty's Chiltern Hun-
,dreds." Pontifex McCannister read, the announcement in the London
Gazette, and a flush of conscions/pride spread, its crimson pennon upon
-his brow. The ambition of his life was attained. It was a fluke, he
,knew; but then flukes score, and Yorkshire ones.are good potatoes;
-'and very good potatoes indeed were the letters M.P. to the soul of
:their new proprietor.
When he had read the paragraph backwards and forwards and
downside up, he cut it out and gummed it inside his hat, and felt jolly.
,But when, on the morrow, he received an'official announcement that
.the:expenses of the electionwere 2,500, and that he would have to
defray them, his heart sank down, and his kneos knocked together, for
the savings of his lifetime fell short of the sum, and he had long
since retired from business. 2,500! he exclaimed, with a groan;
".-why, I thought the borough defrayed all.the costs of election. Oh,
*what a fool I've been! Why didn't I,stick to the shop in the borough
and leave politics alone." You see he, was a simple-minded man, and
had gotten himself into a mess. He:had a consumptive wife, an
invalid aunt, a rheumatic..mother; and a bedridden father, and he
,kept them all out of the savings; of twenty years' trading in
t4ripe. However, if he was a fool he was brave and honest. He had
put (up for Parliament, he had been: elected, and he was not the man
toshirk the consequences of his own rash act.
i By selling his property, pawning his watch, and making over the
future corpses of his relatives to the College of Surgeons, he raised
;the'required sum, and sent it off in halfpenny. stamps to the Receiver
'appointed by Law. When he dropped the letter into the post he
hadn't a halfpenny in the world. But he was a member of the
Imperial Parliament of Great Britain, and that was something.
In due course he went down to the House, shook the Speaker by
:the hand, politely inquired afterthe health of the Speaker's good
lady, and took his seat for the ancient borough of Coke-upon-Littleton.
Every night found him in his place, listening.to the gorgeous oratory
;of the first legislative assembly in the universe. Every day-ah!
*here comes the terrible part of the story. I blush to confess it-the
fearful sentence trembles upon my pen-but the truth must be told.
Every day, Pontifex McCannister had to work for his living. How ?
Oh ye Commoners of England, before whose eyes these lines shall
fall, pause ere you follow this veracious, history farther! Hide your
faces from the light of day! Place your noble palms carefully before
your eyes, and through your parted'fingers read. the-rest!
Tn the daytime Pontifex McCannister MP., was a mute, and in the
evening he went out waiting-not in his right name mind you. No;
he had the decency to call himself Buggins, and wear a false beard
and a wig, so thatno one should reoognisehim. But, alas! his iniquity
did not end here. That invalid family had tremendous appetites, and
Acts of Parliament, though food for reflection, are not sustenance for
the body; so, when funerals were scarce, and dinners out of season,
he had to hold horses and run messages, and-.pick up cigar ends in the
parks. It was very awful-but they were the only things he could do.
It is true being an M.P. he might. have sold his name to bubble eom-
panies, and made a decent income in directors' fees. But he was a fool,
and considered such a course disreputable.
Now all this time no one suspected. that McCanni ter and Buggins
were one man. His appearance. was always respectable in the House.
He kept a suit of black to vote in, and when it got seedy it did for the
funerals. After waiting at a dinner, he had only to remove his beard
and wig, slip on a light overcoat, and go down to Westminster, as
though he had come straight from the opera.
He had continued this scandalous behaviour for about two years,
when one day, while reading the newspaper, he came upon the case
of some members of Parliament who had been charged with
fraudulently aiding to float a bubble company. It was a very dreadful
case, it-seemed to him,. but the judge summed up in their favour,
and declared that M.P.'s,..being men of position, could do what
they, liked with other people's money, and start, as many rotten
speculations as they pleased, and still be respectable. This decision
took a great weight from Pontifex's heart, for he felt sure that
holding horses and picking up cigar ends was quite as honest
a way of earning a livelihood as selling your name to doubtful
concerns. So he just told everybody what he did, and tvaited to be
made a Minister. But instead of rewarding him, the public cried
shame upon him, the members .hooted him out of the' House, and
his constituents called upon him to retire. Too late he found out his
error. .It is one of the unwritten laws of 'Society that a man who
'makes 1,000 a year by leading thewidowand the orphan to destruc-
tion is a gentleman,'while the man who ,earns 1 a week' by waiting
at table is a, cad.
Pontifex McCannister was a stupid old fool, andfally deserved.
what befell him. But when' the lapseo of years had obliterated the
SMA OH 13; 1875] F U N 1091
memory of the past, he profited by the lesson he had learned. He
floated bubble companies by the score, and became a very great man.
It is not very long ago that one of the highest judges in the land.
referred to him from the bench as a man he had the honour to call
his friend. Magna est veritas et pracvalebit.
THE OPENING OF THE SEASON.
LINCOLN LucunnATIONS AND EPIC EXPOSTULATIONS.
Smr,-The extraordinary success'awhich attended my efforts last
week to inform you which will winlthe Oxford and Cambridge boat"
race emboldens me to again :address-you. I am the more particular:
about explaining why I write: now,, and trouble you two numbers in
succession,because I know it doesn't matter, and because if I don't write
while you believe I have given.thl boat-race .winner, perhaps .1 may
have no chance afterwards.,: Besidespitis Lincoln next week. Which
doesn't mean that it isn't Lincoln. this week-at.,Lincoln; but that it
will be Lincoln all over the racing worldd iext-. Oh,,sir, when I think.-
of the suit of green::I always weanin honourof the, occasion, and of-
the many happy hours-I spend in -the society of the Admiral and the,.
Official Keeper of.-th Match Box,- my heart yearns, for the Carholmes
and the delights ofthe turf once more.
ThAturf;itheturflas free.as surf, methinks I see it now;
Along the,.oofsi-l hear the hoofi of coursers fleet and fast;
Mdthinka-I spy thlzamms they fly;I see 'em-'atit now.:
'Tis buta dream and'iyet.thae seem, andiso .I feel aghast.;
I'iin often takenllike this now. My mind4randers, and only finds
rest-and ,relief-inI the realms of poesy. A littlacold pale is also of
assistance.~; But I'm' not proud, and.:I never corned an, offer of the
more -homely Irisht. But poetry is. my'principal article of diet, and
that man who eatu.a newspaper the -other -da:y.with.:raw herrings to
follow, to show -he was a gentleman,:could only-have done it because
he had.ieardof the large -amount- of literature-'diurnally devoured by
me. Imitation is,, they say,.the-.sinceresat-formoof.flattery, but I'd-
ratherhaie, a;,steak.- myself, .orsa drop 'of -the aforesaid,.i. Bat, failing.
both: I.Ian ,such is -th&- ingenuous ionstancyand innocent birdlike
happiness of my .-aturealways fall:back4-o4the-poetic.faculty, and in
proof,. of this'.- will; tip;yoma .sta-e, and stave ryon a tip at the same
time, for next .weeks great-zinaugural race of ithe.-1875 flat.racing-
season. Ah, many's -tha'flit that will st,rt racing n-ext week.-atb-
Lincoln, and find, by the time he has arrived at Leamington and the
last of the season, that it would have been something in his pocket if
he'd never been born. I don't know if this is an original observation.
I rather fancy it isn't, because it came out so easily. So I expect it's
Tupper-a kind of light reading useful to a racing man'during his
winter's idleness, and instructive withal. Bt :to get on with the
Shall I with' Gunner make a shot f.
Shall I for Kaiser go ?
On Ironstone put on the pot,.-
Until he's in the market hot ?
Or shall I quite a dark 'un spot ?-
I've half as good a mind as not--
To prove I'm in-" the know."'
Thuringian Prince willFmany quell,
The gelding moves with speed;
Old Thorn's a rather likely swell,
And, Vril.may yet bear off the bell,
While some whose, names won't come in well.-
Alarm me sore when I would tell
Who'll finish with the lead.
I'll make a plunge and then be.done:
On Truth I'm bound to stand;
And though I hate to make a. pun,
As all you know who study Ftin,
Methinks you'll find Truthgelding's won,;
Whene'er. the race is fairly run.
Oh, then, what -coin I'll land.!
But if another still you'd choose,
Commend. your quids to Vril-
And Kaiser's chance I don't abuse;
While those who back Patrician shoes.
May yet receive the blissful news,
That she who wears 'em didn't lose,
But moved 'em with a will.
Now then, my merry little poets, what. do you think of that ? I
should like to know who was the best man. among you before I came,
back. All answers to be prepaid, and addressed to the faithful, even
if a little over- abilitous, AUGSPUR.'
A FRENCH YULG.AR FRAcTioN.-The Extreme Left. .
SONGS OF THE PROFESSIONS.
d.: XT.-A BIT- OF MY- MIND.:
Oi all professions I regard
With sentiments antagonistic,
There's none I've loath'd solong and hard
As that which people call Artistic."
And, if that calling has a phase
I've held in venomous derision
Through-all my long,, eventful days,
It is ite"' Comic subdivision,!
And he, respecting whom'I find,-
There's daily in my breast arising ,
A hatred,-which a demon's mind :
Alone succeeds in realizing,
Is he who draws those stupid things
To put above my lovely verses,
And knows the good my rhyming brings
His wild absurdity disperses I:
My'lines, -indubitably good,
And singularly clear and pointed,
By his confounded bits of wood
Are rendered painfully disjointed;
Td far'Bogtlogae I've often run.
(Omitting myaddress:to mention
To try and get some verses' done,
Butwhen my footsteps homeward stray'd :.
With sly andsneaking exultation,
He'd bring some headings ready made.
And come and meet, me at-the'station..
Hbw,'often in my nightly dreams; ,
Although I give, him -words of honey,
I weave impracticable schemes,
To poison him, and -get his money !
Although a thing, .I wish.to state,
I hold in utter execration,
And dauntlessly repudiate,,
If half the things he makes me say
Were only distantly suspected.
By those who brought me up, I may.
Observe they would be much affected.
The heading to this very song-
That mad,.unprincipled abortion,
With feet that seem to me too long,
And fingers out of all proportion-
This thing, that can't be. said to be
A speaking likeness-Fate forbid it!-
This THING's intended, sir, for ME;'
And that confounded upstart did 'it!
Bill, owe, there I!
IN what we may, bepermitted to call slanguage a judge or a magis-
trate is known as a beak." May our .-magistracy then be classed as
paid and unpaid,bills ?
110 FUN. [MARCH 13, 1875.
I ll I'11
WOOD OR ASPHALT?
City Magistrate:-" THIS RECKLESSNESS MUST BE STOPPED. You ENDANGER LIFE WITH YOUR FURIOUS DRIVING; BESIDES, YOU NEVER
CARED WHAT THE 088 FELT." Prisoner:-" PLEASE IT WAS THE ASSFELT, YOUR WORSHIP." [Three months immediately.
DOTS AND LINES.
NEW Coroner for Middlesex insists on what he considers his rights.
Coroner's rights seem very much like other people's wrongs. But the
would-be Coroners need not be in a hurry. = Much agitation shown
at the Cape with regard to Langalibelele. Not the Cape of Good
Hope now. Quite the reverse. = New Serjeant-at-Arms appointed for
the Commons. Position actually given to the best qualified candidate.
Where's Conservative reaction after that ? = Asylums near Liverpool
filled with people under the influence of the new revivalists. Must have
been mad before, or they never would have run the risk of discovery. =
Directors of a bubble company charged at the Mansion House with
failing to comply with the regulations of the Act. Being very small
sinners, a full measure of justice was meted out to them. We must
be thankful for small mercies. = More Spanish victories. The only
country in the world where both sides come off best. Always
excepting Ireland under Home Rule. = Milkman summoned for
wheeling milk on a footpath. Magistrate favourable. Had evidently
been run down by perambulating nursemaids. Besides, there's a great
connection between milk and babies. = Farmer sixty years old tried
for the abduction of a girl of fifteen. As, however, he had bound
himself over to keep the piece, he was acquitted. = People beginning
to find out what the Regimental Exchanges Act will really mean if
passed. That it will be we'll bet, as it's made for the rich. = Grave-
digger buried alive while at work; "There's a divinity doth
shape our ends rough-hew them how we will." So said a gentleman
who knew something of the craft. = Arrival of the crews at
Putney. Crews and cruise about is fair play. Fair play be hanged,
I want to win!" This also at Putney. = New paper promised,
entitled Sport and Play. What's sport to you is play to me," as the
frog didn't say in the fable. = Bendigo harks back, but is reclaimed.
And all his friends would play at "religion" instead of pigeon-
shooting if the gain were as great or as certain for them. = Shaker
declared insane. Not half so insane, or a tithe so mischievous, as our
new Stigginses and Chadbands. = Regent's Canal just discovered to
be polluted. What an age of discovery this is to be sure Perhaps
one day we shall discover who's responsible. = Surgeon found guilty
of culpable manslaughter and sentenced to six months' imprison-
ment without hard labour. Some dreadful culprit who steals a penny
loaf will have a double dose for this.
THE PATRIOT'S GRATULATION.
Br A LUNATIC LAUREATE.
TWINE a wreath of ruddy roses, red as brandy-blossom noses,
Bring a bunch of dainty lilies, red as sea-sick lady's face ;
Spread my best bandanna o'er me, put a pewter pot before me.,
Then absquatulate, and leave me in this spider-haunted place.
How the state of things has altered since the days when first I
Little hymns of Dr. Watts's at a scolding mother's knee,-
Since those days of bib and tucker, when my father went a mucker-
Took to picking ladies' pockets, and was sent across the sea.
We are wiser now, my masters, since those days of drear disasters,
When a dozen banks stopped payment on a Friday afternoon;
And our tripping feet find pleasure in a more methodic measure,
On the keys of Life's piano now we play a softer tune.
We have purged a noble city since the poet in his ditty
Sang of men who bartered honour for the sake of shining gold;
Lo the centre bit is banished, and the alum bread is vanished,
And the fever dens of London are but memories of old.
In our courts are gentle judges, whom no thumb of scandal smudges,
We've a press above corruption, and as truthful as it's free;
We are now a pious nation, bent on Peace and Education,
We have plucked the nut of knowledge from the heavy-laden tree.
Oh, I'm cock-a-hoop with pleasure, and I drain a double measure
When I ponder on the glories of the land in which I dwell.
Let us drain an S. and B., sir, to the Kingdom of the FREE, sir,
E'er my keeper comes to look me up again within my cell.
FUN.-MARcE 13, 1875.
LOCK OUT v. LOCK UP; OR, JUSTICE IN HER DOTAGE.
A DRAMA OF THE PRESENT DAY.
MACnH 13, 1876.) FUN. iS
YE BARDES DESYRE.
AN I of former to tak my choice
Were at this momente.free,
I'd be ye birdie whose tuneful voyce
I beere on yonder tree. l
He only singes.whan he's inclynde
Hys constitution's sound;
Ande he has ne ye rented to fynde
Whan, Quartere Daye comes rou'.de.
From twigge-to twigge ha hopes about,
-No woes his harte oppress,
.And whan at more he turneth oute
H eHbas not gotte to dress.
'Tis true hys songe he has to syhge
Without a syngers fee,
s But that's about ye.onlye thynge
In which oure lottes agree.
WILLIAM SMIrn, a Birmingham boatman, was con-
victed the other day of wasting after belonging, to. the
Canal Company, by.neglecting to properly fasten some
lock-gates after passing through. :This is doubtless a
very heinous offences for whickWilliam wasvery properly
punished. We have yet to learn, however, that the
crime was sufficiently great to warrant the Daily -Post's
conduct in speaking of the culprit as deceased." As
dead men can tell no tales, surely they can waste no
water. But then they order these things better in
n Criberackinlg Conundrum.
To THE EDITOR.
Sm,- While committing jewel robberies in the neigh-
bourbood of Windsor, and watching the police on the
track of the thieves," I often fall into a comic vein, and
think conundrums. The other day, while on a. visit to
Lord Ellenborough, I thought the following: Why is
a burglar with -a big beard, when -he's: hunted down,
like a Puse3ite ?-Because he's .a tracked. hairy .'un.
(Tractarian). See? Yours, FAWNEY: aeoI.O'mE. [Yes, BULL BEEF.
we see, and if ever you send such.a thing to .us again,
Mr. F. F., we'll'send our office boy down to, stop your Waiter :-" D mc Yo cALL, si ?"
little game. Not being "fan. active pandintelligent Irish Traveller:-" SH-UI I D;I AND IF you DON'T lis'ING ME HUc
officer," it wouldn't takea im long.-ED.] DINNER I'LL SEND IT AWAY AGAIN."
HERE, THERE. AND -EVERYWHERE. THE "BALD HEAD.
IT has pleased Mr. Collette, of. the Prince, of Wales's Theatre, to THE wave smoothes the stones as it rolls on for ever,
transfer his services to the Royalty. It haspleased the management The shrill winds of autumn the withered.leaves sever,
to accept him and his new farce with a crack-jaw, hair-oil, patent The earn by the sickle's o'ertaken.
medicine title. The farce and the actor have pleased the audience, Hard work and long years have their missions as keen :
and so the cup of everybody's pleasure at the Dean-street Bandbox They have shorn all my locks,. and.no gleaner.an gleam
should be complete. By-the-way, now that all doubts on the subject One sheaf when the field is forsaken.
of excessive drinking among women are removed, ladies might take a Woe is me! ah, my sorrow! Dear days are no more,
hint from La Pdrichole and learn how to be drunk without being When I tasted such bliss in the moments of yore,-
objectionable. The torrents of youth will not linger.
The little house in the Haymarket continues to hold its own with Oh, what has Fate done with my darling so fair,
its more advertising and better puffed brethren. The present enter- Who, calling pet.names,.passed her hands through my hair-
tainment nightly draws decent audiences, and cannot.fail, consisting, as Each a sylph-llke, and fairy-like finger.
it does, of pure English comedy, to attract the higher order of play- What is.man as defined? He's a, hairy-roofed brute;
goers. Firstly there is Homne, translated from L'Aventurire; then A But I've not a down on the cranium hirsute!
FairBEncounter, taken from Les SouliersdeBal; and.finally, The Serious Hirsute ? Bah! an adjective bootless.
Family, .adapted from Un Mari dans le Campagne. This is as it should M-y beauty, who toyed with the locks now bereft,
be at a house which is more intimately associated than any othbr with Has passed likemyornament. I, who am left,
original andtunsuccessful dramatists. Once her suitor, alas am hirsuteless.
:The .100th night of Hamlet at the Lyceum was celebrated by a But some one says, "B'ankdash can aid thee in need,
supper -to which Messrs. Bateman and Irving's friends, includingthose Can sow on thy scalp a crinigerous seed,
onmiheipress, were invited.. Of course everybody drank everybody's And give thee thy long lks once more, sir.
health .and among those who came in for a special share of favour A e h eth og ason e e r
was :.the new Examiner of Plays, A ho seems to have been present in his If he's blessed who miketh two grass.blades appear
official-tapacity. Concerninm g the good taste as well as e the correctness Where one blade grew erst, how more blest who can rear
of thislatter proceeding, we have made some passing remark in. another Two hairs where no hair was before, sir i "
column, and so need not enter upon the matter here. [There's a lot more of this, but-its-insertion in future numbers will
Madame Tussaud's Exhibition benefits by the recentelection atStoke- depend upon Mr. Blankdash's idea of our advertisement rates.-ED.]
upon'-Trent in the way of a "full-length life-size portrait model of
the new'Member of' Parliament,. Dr. Kenealy. After the exhibition
Kenealy, dishonoured Bencher, degraded Barrister, and now M.P., A Brand New Joke.
made of himself in the. House the other night, his place is perhaps WHEN the Speaker shakes handwith a new member he does so iv
best fund among "the images." What does Mr. Evelyn Ashley say ? order to Brand him M.P.