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PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.
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S T had been winter for some time. There was nothing unnatural or remarkable in that--quite the reverse; still it is always as well to
begin at the beginning, and so, as we have before stated, it had been winter for sometime.
It had been winter in fact ever since the end of autumn. The change though rapid had not been'particularly perceptible. The
leaves had turned yellow and withered, and had then disappeared, but an occasional bright day had lulled the suspicions arising in the breasts
of weatherwise folks, and it was not until one very dark and dismal day shortly before Christmas that the world woke up with a start, and said,
" Why, we're in the middle of winter. See if there's a nobbly bit of coal in the cellar, and try and manage a drop of something to drink.
It is cold without. Let us have a strong glass of warm with, and be genial." So spake the well-to-do and comfortable world. The
fashionable world, which knows nothing of winter, except as a necessary portion of the fashionable season, which consists of every day in
the year and more when necessary, didn't say anything. The world of poverty and neglect, and hunger, and crime, and no boots or warm
clothes, was also silent. Silent as the grave, except when its teeth chattered with the cold so plentiful in this generous and charitable land.
But even this was soon stopped. The Relieving Officer and the School Board Inspector at once put an end to all chattering on the part of
those who had no right to such a luxury; and the delinquents at last cried themselves to sleep, and dreamt of the delights of Christmas.
-While the rest of the world slumbered, two closely muffled 'figures might have been seen stealthily approaching Fleet-street by
circuitous routes. Both came from the West-end, and though each went many miles out of his way to avoid observation, they arrived at
the magician's door together, just as the clock chimed forth its warning for the midnight hour.
Ah!" said one. "Hum," said the other. After which wise observations the door opened, and the pair proceeded to enter. Who
were they ? What was their weird errand ? Let us follow and see.
The wizard sat in his easy chair, quite unconcerned, while his two famous guests examined the marvellous and beautiful sketches on the
walls. Ah," said they at last, "we know you draw sempiternally and to a marvellous extent; but is there anything else going on ? Tell
us why you have summoned us by the spells we must obey, and what is the object of this particular private view ? "
The magician waved his wand, and in an instant the two great heads of the nation were heads and nothing more. For a moment both
thought they were decapitated; but it was only a pleasant trick of. their entertainer's, and having reassured them by kicking and pinching
their bodies underneath the marvellous table, the magician spoke.
I have summoned you here to-night," he said, so that you may be the very first to see my latest and most wonderful production.
I have placed you in the positions you are now in so that you cannot disturb me by your astonishment. My usual course- "
There are three courses," faintly murmured one of the heads.
There is only one when Bismarck's in the way," softly sighed the other.
"Beware! said the magician, or my familiars will treat you to dessert, as well as to courses and leeks. P resto, R epeato, E pidermis,
F lipflap, Arethusa, 0 ataplasm, Everywhere "
He rapidly pronounced these mystic and powerful words, and their initials instantly whizzed into the room from the spheres where they
had hitherto been making music, and ranged themselves in proper order around their master. He tapped himself well upon the chest twice,
sprang into the air three times, turned a double somersault, and then, with inimitable grace and courtesy, drew forth and presented to the
eyes of his astonished guests
e V fleficfjy Valluam of tD' 'truO geriezs of in.
Ih*iEeric Consid&e ti (An), 23
kAe of Romance (The); 63
Augspur on the Cricket Match, 109
Augspur's Final Selections, 123
Auispur on his Travels, 134, 145
Augspur on Past and Future, 149
Ad Cor Meum, 169, 191
Ass that would a Shooting Go (The),
At the Pit Doors, 197
Ambition's Yearnings, 235
Answers to Correspondents, 13. ?1.
43, 53, 65, 75, 85, 95,105. 115, 1. I
141, 155, 165, 175, 185, 195, 205, 215, 225.
235, 245, 257, 266
Augspur at the Cattle Show, 258
BARD'S Legacy (The), 24
Bright on Babble, 67
Brighton and its Aquarium, 78
Bard (The), 117
Buccaneer (The), 125
Brazen Jade (The), 249
Bismarck's Bosom Friend, 248
CRUISE of the Sfudlark, 6
Cricket Crumbs and Turf Triumphs, 13,
Correction (A), 17
Cordial Understanding (The), 56
Cool Correspondence, 99
Chained to the Oar Again, 115
Captain Stammers, 117
Cesarewitch and Cambridgeshire, 167
Chapter from the Life of William Smith
Crying Iniquity (A), 221
Cry from "The Muse (A), 227
Chickweed's Change. 245
Christmas Vision (A), 250
Dog and Dwarf Story (The), 66
Disputation (A), 179
Dutch Courtship, 199
Dots and Lines, 5, 15, 34, 41, 45, 64, 709,
77, 90, 97, 113, 120, 127, 140, 153, 163,
173,183, 194, 203, 214, 224, 229,246, 249,
Double Acrostics, 11,15,31, 43,46, 65, 73,
77, 93, 97, 113, 123, 133, 139, 153, 163,
173, 185, 195, 204, 214, 223, 234, 243 258,
ESSAYS in Natural History. By Little
Johnny, 108, 118, 129,138,155,165,168,
179, 188,198, 215, 219, 229, 244, 250, 265
End of the Racing Season (The), 233
Flying Leaves, 98, 114, 119
"Fast Friends," 107
Fable (A), 159
GUIDE to Margate, 63
Guilty Governess (The), 84
Good Company, 99
Great Explosion (The), 158
Good Old Ship (The), 225
Holiday Dream (A), 105
Healthy or Wealthy, 157
JONESEs (The), 141
Jollyfellow's Christmas Eve, 248
LEMPONADE or Whisky, 25
Lion at Bay (The), 79
Little Story (The), 89
Leger Horses Analysed (The), 121
London in October, 183
Lines to November, 193
Lash (The), 225
MY Continelital 'idir, 17
Miraculous Merclihjit (The), 26
Men of the Time, 27
My Bottles, 33
More Men of the Time, 43, 74
Masthead (Mr.) Journalist, 47
MIazagrin (A), 55
Margate Melody (A), 58
Misplaced Metaphor, 87
Mtore Sporting Improbabilities, 208
MAonthly Mag-Pie, 21, 31, 54, 73, 86, 96,
107, 126, 136, 154, 157, 176, 207, 226
TEW1ARRET News and Goodwood
OLD Maneater (The), 187
PERRY Chumley's Eclipse, 37
Pure Gratitude, 129
Pall Mall Prologizes, 135
Paper-Knife and Pen, 14. 44, 83, 93, 133,
143, 186, 217, 227, 237, 257, 260
QUERY ?, 106
RIGHT Hion. Benjamin Bluster (The), 69
Reader (The), 100
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, 238, 256,
Revenge! 239 [261
SPORTING Notes, 33, 103
Sporting Prospects, 36
Sussex and Doncaster, 67
Swiddler's (Mr.) Flip-flap, 6S
Second Sight, 75
Songs for the End of the Season, 78
SIraight Tip for the Leger (A), 85
Seasonable Silliness, 94
Scribbler (A), 154
Sick Gourmand (The), 175
Sporting, Past and Present, 185
Sorrows of Samuel Stork, Crossing-
Sweeper (The), 189
Sporting Improbabilities, 205
Sweep your doorway, 260
Two Questions (The), 37
True Story of the Dog and Dwarf (The),
Tale of Humble Life (A), 79 [53
True Story of Bazaine's Escape (The),
Tonic or Depletive? 177 [89
Timely and Temperate Protest (A), 195
Jo Bachelors! 236
UNDER Orders, 11, 16, 25, 104, 137, 148,
175, 178, 204, 213, 223, 243.
WEATHERLY Wisdom, 23
YouxG Philosopher (The), 51
ADDRESS on Dress (An), 151
Conjuring Extraordinary, 19
Cold Water Cure, 81
Challenge (The), 181
Eating the Leek, 230
Guy Fawkes the Second, 211
Holiday (A), 71
Happy Schoolboy Days, 240
Important Motion An), 49
"It's an Ill Wind- -" 168
Justice a la Alderman Allen, 191
Jack of Both Sides, 201
Learned Pig (The), 9
Lucky Escape (A), 90
Margate Magnets and Magnates, 61
Merry Christmas; General Agreement
and Happiness.-" It's only Once a
Not the Right Pull, 29
Nothing in the Papers, 131
Not to be Caught, i14
Only Genuine Peacei fkei' (The), 221
Rising Sun (The), 111
Ruralising at Hampstead, 265
Tremendous Appearance of a Six-tailed
Three Graces (The).-A New Version,
Up in a Balloon, 121
AT the Great Crowd, 11
Adding Insult to Injury, 83
Alexandrine and Park-like Jocularity,
Art and Music, 139 [90
About Bonfires, 210
But One Step, 123
Breeding Irritation, 154
Board and Bored, 157
CLEAR Direction (A), 31
Conversations of the Road, 35
Close of the Season (The), 52
Correct Tip (The), 55
Cook's Excursions, 86
Crooked Answer (A), 114
Cute ? "You Bet," 133
Cork Soles, 186
Chances of Life (The), 237
Christmas Night Fancies, 247
DOUBLE Sighting, 97
Dignity of Labour (The), 124
Division of Labour, 140,
Di Piscatore, 196
EN rERTAINSIENT for the People, 22
Eccentricities" of Genius (!) (The), 28
Easy Punishment, 130
Episode in the Life of Mr. Snook (An)
Episcopal Change (An). 177 [146
Episodes in the Lives of Obscure
Ending in Smoke, 194
Eyes and No Eyes, 214
Feast of Reason" (The), 103
Fountain (The), 106
Full Particulars, 117
Fashionable Intelligence, 143
GRANDMOTHERLY Government, 8
Guardian of the Poor (A), 11
Getting At It, 15
Grouse Season, 77
Great Unpaid (The), 156
Grandmotherly Government Asleep, 160
HANSOe is as Hansom does, 95
How Happy Could I be with Heath-"
Hornamental, 236 [167
In ZEternumque Sed-, 120
Inside and Outside, 178,
"It's an Ill Wind--g,'
Injured Parity, 259
JUST So, 24
KNOWS his Way, 105
LEICESTER Square, 25
Little Tangled (A), 66
Latest from Hanley, 87
Lift on the Road (A), 137
Lnmb that Wanted to See the World
Latest Irih Intellig.phce, 1706
Leaf and Licence, 228
Latest froth America (The), 230
MORE Grandmotherly Government, 18,
Mild and Bitter, 31
"Most Musical, Most Melancholy !" 54
Mems of Margate, 57
Molested Winkle (The), 63
Matter of Opinion (A), 134
Mush-room for Improvement, 163
Man with an Idea (The), 200
More Nice than Wise, 203
Mistaken Identity, 209
Multum in Parvo, 213
More About our M.P., 240
Mistaken Nymph (The), 255
NOTIrING Venture, 56
No Doubt of It, 67
Not This Week," 233
Not Half so Painful, 243
Oun Doctor, 41
Our Curate, 44
Our Grandmotherly M.P. in the Recess,
One for Him 126
Our Grandmotherly M.P. and the Silly
Off and On, 159
One for His Nob, 179
Our Grandmotherly M.P. on Costume,
Outside or Inside ? 227
Only Too Easy 235
POINTEDLY True, 21
Poser (A), 73
Pleasant for Our Artist, 136
Painting from Nature, 144
Pleasures of Boating (The), 164
Pleasant Prospects, 166
Proof Positive, 173
Piping Hot, 184
RECOLLECTIONS of the Royal Academy
No. 4, 38
Reflection (A), 64
Refinement (A), 65
Redentem Decere Verum--" 74
Rather Vague, 214
STRANGE Doctrine (A), 12
School Bored, 51
Sea Green(Un) (A), 80
Sea-side Incident (A), 96
Suggestive Fragment (A), 107
Scar(c)e Crow (A), 169
Salve for the Conscience, 193
Smart Youth, A), 206
Substantial Proof (A), 217
Stick-ler for Truth (A), 249
Spread of Reason (The), 266
THERESA'S Tresses, 70
'Taking after Pa, 127
Tit for Tat, 153
Templar's Triumph (The), 180
True Castalia (The), 183
Teaching the Young Idea, 187
UN-CIVIL Seirice, 104
Uiinecessary Delay (An), 216
" Up to Snuff I 223
Under the Mistletoe.-Grandfather's
Wrong Apple-ication (A), 116
Waste of Time (A), 204
X-MAs X-periences, 263
YouTHrFUL Logic, 7
AVE you -but no! you
probably have not-
H Met with- but that's
1 M improbable as well-
Se what's the use of talk-
ing about what
\ia You haven't seen and I
Scan never tell ?
And yet-though, for that
matter, it's absurd
One's time in talking
nonsense to engage.-
Still, by your leave, I
must just say a word
Of (hang it, here's a
pun) not leaves-but
Page Number One! Ano-
ther volume hopes,
Sbe spoilt, more ink be
Well, gentle reader, 'twill
fulfil my hopes
If you but smile on
what will there be
Page Number One! Ah,
yes; -Page Number
Bring me the inkstand-
fill the midnight oil;
May friendly hands, whene'er the volume's done,
Write Finis on the last page of our toil !
A Mayor's Nest.
SOMEBODY once said that money makes the mayor to go." Such
money as that mentioned in the following extract from the Liverpool
Dailfy Post would make any number of municipal personages hurry off
at once in search of a city which could afford to pay so liberally for
slight services. It must be true because, it's in the papers."
The Mayor of Birmingham yesterday laid the foundation stone of the New
Corporate-buildings adjoining the Town-hall, at a cost of 80,000.
This was not cheap, and we would have done it ourselves for half the
money. And Besley, who, it will be remembered, "travels mo e th n
people think," might have been induced to take the journey at a
still lower figure. But then, the Metropolitan Railway does not run
THE Globe describing the Ascot Cup Day is pleased to note that-
The sky was a little clearer than yesterday and Tuesday.
The language is scarcely as clear as the sky. Why shouldn't the sky
quite as well have been clearer than the day after to-morrow and
Friday fortnight, if we are to compare skies and days ?
DOTS AND LINES.
FRANCE still unsettled. The Daily Telegraph continues to take
advantage of the opportunity by murdering the French language. -
Mr. Plimsoll urges the bill for protecting seamen. Naturally, the
shipowners oppose him. Sailors are all very well, but freights!
More hydrophobia reported among dogs. Less common sense disco-
verable in the British public-especially the active and intelligent. =
Arrival of Mons. Rochefort. Captain Shaw keeps his engine in
readiness on the Embankment, and the British Museum gets dry. =
There is a Royal Commission on Railway Accidents. As Mr. Ayrton
is upon it, we shall suggest trying a real good collision-merely in the
interests of Art. = Sir Wilfrid Lawson has observed-but, after all,
who cares to hear what Sir Wilfrid Lawson observes ? = Great collec-
tions on Hospital Sunday. But will the patients benefit by it ?
" Patients, and shuffle the cards!" = There is a great deal of talk to
prove that corn-flour is starch. If it goes on much longer, we shall
just step in and prove that starch is corn-flour. Where will they be
then? = Conservative Banquet in the City. Those who attended it got
a good deal of Cotton in their ears. But it did not prevent their brains
from going wool-gathering. Probably nothing would-at a Conser-
vative banquet. = The Times has been talking nonsense about the Comte
de Chambord's white flag. It is not singular in doing so. Rags other-
wise useless are good to make paper.
A WORD IN SEASON.
WE have received a pamphlet on "Agricultural Exhibitions," which
is mainly the report of a lecture delivered before some members of the
Croydon Farmers' Club by Mr. T. Wilson Reid, a gentleman well
known to agriculturists, as much for his extensive knowledge as for his
fearlessness. Mr. Reid possesses the courage of his opinions in a very
marked degree, and as those same opinions are the result of accurate
observation and are directed against many crying abuses, we have no
doubt the brochure will be hailed with delight by all who object to
unfairness, whether it comes in the form of blind prejudice, or, worse,
A Good Example.
THOSE who turn up their high and mighty noses at what they con-
sider to be a lowly institution-we refer to the local press-often
lose a good deal of interesting information. There is a journal
published in Paddington which often gives quite a novel aspect to
poor humanity; and though we cannot give copious extracts, sufficient
can be gleaned from the following, which we pick at haphazard from
its columns. In a notice of a double suicide we are told that the pair
were found lying on the bed dressed with only their boots on, and quite
dead." It was time thesepeople committed suicide. The gentleman who
wore the traditional cocked hat and postage stamp did have some faint
ideas of decency, but this new notion of full dress outrages not only
morality but good taste, and Society loses nothing by the departure of
its promoters. _
It's very Warm."
LET it be known that the Scotch people, relieved from the bane of
betting men, are learning to make jokes. Should our readers doubt
this, as they very likely will, we can refer them to the Daily Review
of June 16, in which, speaking of the weather, a picturesque as well
as romantic reporter informs the world that but for the warm sun-
shine, the temperature would have been much colder than is agreeable
at this season." We pause in admiration, for it never before struck
us how wonderful it is that warm sunshine should be the cause of
warmth-even in Scotland.
6 FU N [JULY 4, 1874.
FUN O.FIG.E, Wednesday, July 1, 1874.
THE LEARNED PIG.
IT's pretty fat,
Bat what of that ?-
As meadows fallow,
Will just make dips!
From foolish lips
One does not gather meat, but tallow.
'Tis thus Home Rule
May serve to fool
A cause for gabble.
But what is left
For patriots, reft
Of true resources by the rabble ?
A learned pig
May grow too big,
May be unsuited;
But why, ah, why
Should poor pigs die
Who conscientiously haveTrooted ?
F IT is beautiful to see the unanimity with which the representatives
of the shipowning interests have combined to oppose Mr. Plimsoll-
from motives of the purest humanity! It was weak possibly, if not
wicked, of him to ask the .Board of Trade to step in and prevent a
chimerical thing called human greed from drowning vast numbers of
things called sailors punctually everyyear. It was no business of his,
for he apparently has never owned even a barge, and therefore could
not tell bow nice it is to lose a ship and get her insurance-and as for
sailors, what does that matter ? But even more lovely than the ship-
owners unanimity in opposing Mr. Plimsoll is the lofty standpoint
from which it shouts its denunciations of his Bill. They denounce any
interference by the Board of Trade, not because it may save a few
such unconsidered trifles as the lives of sailors, but because it will
"remove the responsibility" from the shipowners to the Govern-
ment. It almost shakes one's faith in the cleverness which is
generally held needful to make a man thoroughly wicked to see so
feeble a plea set forth by so large a community of prosperous people as
the shipowners. It almost induces one to conjecture that when Judas
lamented over the broken alabaster box, which might have been sold,
that he was a Galilean shipowner and would have given the proceeds
to the poor (sailors, entendu), in the form of a worm-eaten, rat-riddled
hulk, conspicuously crowned with a deck-cargo. By the mouths of
its representatives in the House, the shipowning interest protests
against having the responsibility of losing men's lives removed from
its shoulders. Cain, who was only not a shipowner because there was
not much navigation before the days of Noah, very probably objected
to the interference of Providence, which removed the responsi-
bility from his shoulders to brand it on his forehead.
WE protest-in the interests of the memory of an estimable young
man who might have been a boy if he had had better opportunities,
who lived in the interior of a brick elephant, and having nothing to
live upon shared that, and what he could steal with others plus
misdrables- against the use of the word Gavrochism, which was
instituted by Mr. Blanchard Jerrold in the interests of the Empire,
and has been dug out of obscurity by the -Daily Telegraph to be applied
to a class with which our lamented friend Gavroche had no sympathy,
and which, if it is to be stigmatised, must have a "Jfltrisseur of its own.
To come to plain fact, it is a little humiliating to English literature
that French terms (considering that you can get French lessons, as we
regretfully read in advertisements, at about sixpence a day) should be so
misunderstood. What our friends are pleased to call "Gavrochism"
has as much to do with Gavroche as the North Pole has to do with the
Equator. They have one point in common-they exist. We only
wish that some of these excessively clever writers didn't. That's all.
Kill or Cure.
THE Congress of Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
has been mainly occupied in discovering how to kill them. One
cannot help thinking that a more appropriate object for its inquiry
would be how to keep them alive. But men's stomachs are always
larger than their hearts!
CRUISE OF THE "MUDL8 RK."
As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing-so I was, and
not a bit nice; she hoped I never, never would come back! So I
shipped as mate on the Mudlark; bound from Liverpool to any port
which the captain might think it expedient to put into. It had not
been thought advisable to hamper the captain with orders, for when
he could nut have his own way he would always run his vessel against
a cliff, or cut a hole in the bottom, or crowd on all sail in a storm, or
knock away the rudder, or contrive in some such indirect way to make
the voyage an unprofitable one. The owners of the .Mudlark had
become wise in their generation, and now let him do pretty much as
he pleased, carrying such cargoes as took his fancy to parts where the
nicest women were. On the voyage of which I write he had taken no
cargo at all; he said it would only make the Mudlark heavy and slew;
besides he might wish to pick up something by the way, and
would not have room for it if he should stuff the ship beforehand. To
hear thisman talk, one would have supposed he did not know very
much about commerce.
We had a few passengers-not nearly as many as we had laid in
basins and stewards for; for before coming off to the ship most of the
people who had bought tickets would inquire whither she was bound,
and, if not bold, would go back to their hotel, sending a bandit on board
to take away their luggage. But there were enough of them with us
to be very troublesome. 'They cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to
sailors, and the deck was not wide enough for them to go from the
forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the compass, nor
from the binnacle to the forecastle to see how the bowsprit was
getting on. They were always petitioning the captain to let go the
big anchor just to hear it plunge in the water, threatening in case of
refusal to write to the newspapers. A favourite amusement with them
was to sit in the lee of the bulwarks, relating their experiences in
former voyages-voyages about which there had in every case been
two remarkable features, namely, the frequency of hurricanes and the
entire immunity of the narrator from sea-sickness, he having always
been the only passenger who could raise his head. It was very inte-
resting to watch them seated in a row telling these things, each man
with his basin between his legs, trying to prevent his wife from
getting her hair in it.
One day there arose a great storm. The waves walked over the
deck of that ship as if they had never seen such a thing in pll their
lives and were determined to enjoy it all they could. -Sometimes a
half-dozen of them would come aboard at the bow, and playing at
leap-frog all the way to the stern, where each one would' take a
header, carrying away with it some useful article that could be of no
possible service in the water- a coil of line, a life-preserver, a woman,
or something of the kind. The Mudlark laboured very much-very
much more indeed than the crew did; for these had discoveredin the
possession of one of their number a pair of leather-seated trousers,-and
during most of the voyage they would do nothing- but sit between
decks and play cards for them; in a month every sailor had owned
them a dozen times. They were so worn by being pushed over to the
,winner that there was little but the seat remaining, and that immortal
part the captain finally kicked overboard. The storm increased in
violence until it had succeeded in straining the ship'so that she let in
the water like a member of the United Kingdom Alliance; then it
appeared to get relief directly. There is this to be said in justice to
storms at sea. When they have broken off your masts, pulled out
your rudder, carried away all your boats, and made a nice hole in
some inaccessible part of your hull, they will frequently go away in
search of another ship, leaving you to take such measures for your
safety as you may think fit. In our case the captain thought fit to sit
on the taffrail reading a three volume novel.
Seeing that he had got about half-way through the second volume,
to a point at which the lovers would naturally be involved in the most
heartrending difficulties, I judged that he would be in a particularly
cheerful humour, and so approached him, telling him the ship was
going down. Well," said he, closing the book, but keeping his
forefinger between the pages he had been reading, she never would
be good for much after such a shaking up. But, I say-I wish you'd
just send the boa's'n ford there to break up that prayer-meeting.
The Mudlark isn't a seaman's chapel, I suppose."
But," said I warmly, "you don't seem to comprehend that wa are
all going to the bottom."
"No," he replied, I don't; I know every fath'm of this sea, and I
tell you there is a stratum of sharks just below us. It is easier,
young man, for a needle to pass through the eye of a camel than for a
man to go into a layer of sharks and come out on the other side."
0, blow your sharks!" I retorted impatiently; "can't we do
something to lighten the ship ? "
Well," he drawled, reflectively; seeing she hasn't any marts to
cut away, nor any cargo to pitch out- Stay you might throw over
some of the heaviest of. the passengers if you think it would do any
It was a happy. thought. Walking rapidly back to the quarter-
_JULY 4, 1874.] IITU Nt"4U 7
deck, which being highest out of the water was crowded with saint, pressing with both hands her prayer-book against the patent
passengers, I took a stout old gentleman by the nape of-the neck, .palpitators-from Madame J'ahertini's; my father sitting venerable in
pushed him up to the gun'le, and chucked him over. He never his sacred chimney-corner, his silvered head bowed upon his breast,
touched the water; he fell on the apex of a cone of sharks, which his withered hands crossed patiently on his lap, waiting for death, and
came up from the sea to meet him, their noses gathered to a point, and drunk as a lord-all this and much more, some of which I would not
their tails just clearing:- the surface. I dent think the old tell for a pot of money, I saw as plainly as ever I saw a gentleman of
gentleman ever knew 'what became of him. Then I hurled- over_ a exemplary piety cheating at whist. Then there was a ringing sound
woman, and flung a babyto the wild winds; the former was shdrked in my ears; my senses swam; the amber light that fell through the
out of-dight ijfust like the old man, but the latter was divided amongst waters above my head failed and darkened into blackness, as my feet
the gul'.- struck against the bottom of the ocean. After resting a moment on a
I amacelating these things exactly as they occurred. It would be clump of coral I walked out and came home,. She -had gone away
very easy to make a fine story out of all this material-to tell.. how with the butcher _
that,.while I was, flinging .over ,one after another of the passengers.
I wasaouched..by-the self-sacrificing spirit of a beautiful young girl An Eye to theaFutuaws.
whoi- to-save the life of her lover, pushed her old mother forward: to
wheretI Was operating, imploring.r meto take the old lady, but-spare, Now's your time, newspapei-propietorsaand. editors; but speak
0 apare.her .Henry. I might proceed to set forth how that I not only according to your size, for herets a prize, wert.having
did take the old lady, as requested, but immediately seized Henry and THE PRESS.-WANTED, an Efgagement as. REPORTER' Is a good
sent him flying as far as I could,aving first broken-his back across Paragraphist, an can read. Present remuneration noso mu an object as
sn him fo as fn as I f kufuture prospects. Good references. porte,
the rail, and pulled a fistfl o hisurly hairstood out he I might go on they are the better some proprietors like them.
say that feeling appeased I -called -a four-wheelerand, taking the It itas well of course to be ablelto readibefore you-begin to write, but
beauteous maiden, drove away frbm the ill-fated Mn Ilrk-to the-church it is not necessary that because a man ca- do the former he should be
finished his novel, walkhere we were united aftin bonds that w broken engaged for the latter. Men do not as a rule get engagements to
of St. massakseren, Fijiwere wer ut in tr that o drive four-in-hands because they can draw trucks. But it is different
only by my subsequently eating her. But in truth nought of all this in literature and journalism, expectedially when "present remunerationticularly ogica,
occurred, and I am not going to be the first writer to tell a li e for the. T. Islington
purpose of making a good story confusion or fightingis not so much an object as future prospects." And the more future
What really did occur the trilas. As I stood on the quarterdeck they are the better some proprietors like them.
heavinch I was born; over the passengers,one andmbulator in another, the captaile spin all kinds so woflly ignorantgas to believe that
finished his novel, walked aftand inplayfully which I overthrew the over. Happily Fruits of Intolerance.
the sharkidwere no lonering hungry, and I was permitted tohe the tops of teestotal mind is the London Schoolboe pard about, and whylogi
unmolstedman; The sensations of a drowning man have been so often es didn't Sir Wilfrid seLawsonof spend his Derby holiday to beG. tter purpose,
described that; my eldest brotherwill only briefly explainded to the family indebtedness; my and teach his children.-that up though the Ginger Beer is an animal
her treasures: all the incidents of my brief but eventful career Degree Temple," whatever that may be, seemsto have become more
crowded, though without any confusion or fghtinzel, into a miost and very usefulto man, the Ice is only a fruit when found growing
I saw my whole life spread out before me like a mapof Central Aof ica of which states that-n
since the discovery of the gorilla. There was the .1 bassinette" in All kinds of Fruit in seasonwill be provided, including ee, Lmonade &e., &c.
which I was born; the perambulator in which mys infantile spine And ire templars Of all kinds so wofully ignorant.as to believe that
received its curvature, and seated in which I overthrew the parson; the lemonade.plant bears its fruit ready bottled, and that ice grows on
the nursemaid surrendering her lips alternately to me and the the tops of trees ? What.is the London Schoolboard about, and why
policeman; the old home of my youth, with the ivy and the mortgage didn't Sir Wilfrid Lawson spend his Derby holiday to better purpose,
on it; my eldest brother who succeeded to the family indebtedness ; my and teach his children.-that though the Ginger Beer is -an animal
sister -who ran away with the Count von.- retzel, coachman to a most and very usefulto man, the Ice is only a fruit when found growing
respectable City family; my mother standing in the attitude of a with the strawberry and cream to which it is so justly entitled?
S. A w short months ago, she reigned
I was distracted wholly.
W -- GAnd new I quite detest the name
Of Sophonisba Saunders,
As often as I hear the same-
I Wish the jade in-Fl-anders!
I wrote her sonnets by the score
On sheets of tinted paper,
I praised her eyebrows o'er and o'er,
Her nose, and figure taper-.
I sent her bouquets-sthle her-carte--
Despite my sister's warning-
----I placed that picture next my heart
And kissed it night and morning.
I dogged her steps where'er she
And always when I met her,
Such lustrous eyes on me she bent
They riveted my fetter-
And at her window of a night
I used to carol sweetly
And when at length she doused the
I, too, was doused completely !
-- -Alas! alas I eone cursed day
c----EC_. I saw her with the Trunnions
___ -- -- ~Disporting in a one-horse chay,
Serenely munching onions!
YOUTHFUL LOGIC. The spell was broken. (How in truth
Could she so long have lured me!)
Hate:-" Ot IsN'T THIS ORANGE COLD, LALLY ?" It was a bitter pill, forsooth,
Lally :-" OUGHTN'T TO BE; I KNOW THEY COME rROM A WARM PLACE." TO swallow-but it cured me!
JOYED by the increasing sobriety resulting from liquor legislation, we offer at p.m. Babies convicted of consuming more than 11b. of lollipops at once
hints for the forcible encouragement of other Christian virtues shall be run in.
1. U .-very well-to-do citizen shall clean his own boots once a week. 5. MODERATION.-Nobody shall snoke more than three pipes in one day.
I2. PiTiac.-Anybody caught hurrying anywhere shall be tied to the nearest 6. INDUSTRY.-All citizens shall be up at 6 am.
lamp-post for ten minutes. 7. AmIABILsT.-Anyone resenting the latter law shall be liable to imprison-
3 and 4. ABSTEMIOUSxESS.-All eating-houses and sweetatuff shops shall close meant.
"NobleAse Oblige" Cedant Ama.
THE Daily Telegraph devotes some of its "valuable space" to a THE Chancellor of the ExCedant Arma.
record of the fact that the Hon. Lewis Wingfield is painting a picture Conser Chancellor of the Exchequer talking to the City of London
which "is intended for submission to the Royal Academy authorities onservAtives naturally did not say anything brilliant for fear of
in 187." Is this statement the outcome of a love of art orities creating a confusion in those recesses of their skulls, in which ordinary
reverence for the nobility; or is Peterborough Court going to decide people keep their intellects. But he wound up by advising his hearers
what is most worthy the attention of Burlington House ? And what not to lay down their arms. Admirable! But before long it is not
will be the result if the Academicians, notwithstanding this long unlikely that they will take to their legs too.
notice to prepare, decline to accept the work of one who is not only of
noble birth but is backed up by the largest circulation ? We cannot Another Guy
bring ourselves to believe that such a state of rebellion could exist for
long, and so banish the idea of ruined R.A.'s and disbanded THE Globe observes that last year-
Associates which came quick and fast, as we thought of blue blood and Coffee rose to an unprecedented figure.
blatant obsequiousness triumphing over high art and the hanging This is not generous The fallen monarch of Ashanti may be a figure,
committee! Ibat it's not pretty to say so!
[J'LY 4 .1874.
FTJ-No.-JULY 4, 1874.
THE LEARNED PIG.
Pat:-"AH, THIN, ISN'T IT LOVELY, SURE! AND HAVEN'T WE FATTENED IT OURSELVES, FOR KILLING! "
JULr 4, 1874.] F TU N 11
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 379. ( I/111 -
THE strawberries pine
And so does the vine
For the liquor fine
That the clouds distil.
Come, lightning flash,
Let showers lash-
The fruits will ill.
1. He's the fashion just now
And so to the fashion I have but to bow !
2. Of actors, who can stride a stage
And thump their breasts, and rant and ragei---
Of painters, who can canvas spoil
By miles with pigments soaked ino il,-
We've plenty. But we somehomvmiss
Mueh. thab we need to build, up this !
But she had
"Timerwhen she galloped pursued by gad.
4s Under the water he could dive,
-And there to smoke his pipe contrive.
Itbmay be nice to do, but-thankse--
I'd.rathertlive in air, than tanks.
6.One of the:things I hate,
SIn mycommination service private.
Until it dies, it's hard to say
When this poor world will find. its way
Its poor perfection to arrive at!
SOLUTION O ACROSTIC, No. 377.-Blighted Blossoms:
Barb, Lovel, lago, Gas, Harass, Toto, Epigram, A GUARDIAN OF THE POOR.
CO T S or A N. 377, received June 24th: Old Mr. Grummles:-" GREEN PEAS AND-NEW 'TATERS! DES OUR
-Noll and Mortimer; Peggotty's Daughter; Nellie and Ada; MOTHER KNOW THAT THEM SORT O' THINGS LEADS TO THE WORK'S ? "
Algernon M.; Turk; Guilac; Lindis; Florrie; Smug; Pollaky; Boy:-" KNow ? 'COURSE SHE DOES! THAT'S WHY SHE HAS 'EM NOW,
Margate Vic; Ruby's Ghost; Ginx's Baby. ,COS SHE KNOWS SHE WON'T GIT 'EM THERE "
UN DER O RDER S. and Miss Fanny Wright, the professional instructors of the institute;
and, with the singing, showed that Mr. Sleigh and his associates are
AT the French Plays, the revival of Gvaut Minard et Cie. and of ell qualified for the duties they have underta ken.
T'ricocwhe et Caeolet has given, those dilatory people who missed the
earlier performances an opportunity of retrieving their errors. It
has pleased the authorities at the Lord Chamberlain's office (it is as U N CEU R QUI PALPITE.
well to give the credit to the officials, because the Lord Chamberlain t
personally is most likely as conspicuously absent from their counsels BE quiet, do! you jump and thump;-
as-well, as intelligence is) to forbid the performance of Le Deani- Your conduct truly is erratic;-
Monde by Madame Pasca, even under another title, and with excisions Please to remember you're a pump,
whichh the excellent taste of Messrs. Valnay and Pitron might have That should but leap when I'm ecstatic.
been trusted to perform wisely. Messrs. Valnay and Pitron have a fair Not you! To toe's and finger's end,
ground to complain of our insular idiocy in a Censorship which in It pleases you, with ceaseless ticking
Paris would be laughed to death in a week. They have done much Your constant telegraphs to send,
for British audiences and the British stage, in showing what acting To prove that you're alive-and kicking.
should be. So, taking that into consideration, we must forgive them I feel you, when I fall asleep,
the severe satire with which they met the Lord Chamberlain's veto. Advantage of my weakness taking;
Forbidden to act a piece which, while it holds the mirror up to Nature And don't I find you on the leap
in demi-toilette, points a moral and denounces a vice, they presented Like any flea when I'm awaking !
what is really a farce in three acts, full of fun and wit-but! Oh, a
this Lord Chamberlain folly Only the other day it interfered with From dusk to dawn, from morn to eve
a dance which, under the name of Ripirelle was'simply the Can-can as You're at it. Well I'm not a grumbler,
it may be seen at a dozen theatres, at which the authorities take no But still I cannot quite believe
objection. They may claim the credit of putting the St. James's One's heart was meant to be a tumbler.
dancers into long petticoats, and thereby converting what was harm- You won't be quiet!-Welladay
less into what is indelicate, what was amusing into what is sug- I haven't got the means to make you.
gestive! I'd give you, my young friend, away-
M r. Charles Sleigh, manager of the British Musical and Dramatic But who on earth would care to.take you?
Institute gave, a few days back, at the Lyric Hall, Great Portland- .
street, a dramatic performance and concert which augured well for the
success of the society, and showed that amateurs are not of .In Earnest.
necessity either dreary actors or indifferent singers. The dramatic A NEW company, limited, has been started in London entitled, "The
pieces were To Oblige Benson and Still Waters Run Deep, in both of Cremation and Urn Company." A good investment, for what.it urns
which the training of the players did credit to Mr. Clprles Warner will be clear profit for the shareholders.
12 F UUNl. [JULY 4, 1874.
A STRANGE DOCTRINE.
Worthy Doctor :-" I SAY, WILLIAM, ISN'T THAT WHERE THOSE RATS COME PROM "
William:-"'AYB, SIR, THAT IT BE, TOO; JUST THIS BIT OF A HOLE HERE, SIR. BUT YOU LEAVE IT TO ME, SIR;_I'LL DOCTOR 'EM."
Worthy Doctor :-" H'M ; now no You MEAN ? "
William :-" WHY! XILL 'EM, SIR, TO BE SURE."
BEFORE THE BAR. time, notwithstanding that their parents were speechlessly drunk at
WE have unearthed a new poet who is likely to make Tennyson the gin-shop bar. One small thief to three big policemen would be
tremble, Swinburne swear, and Browning bluster, while such minor nearer the mark. Still, we do believe in the poetry, and if those
lights as Buchanan and Mortimer Collins must hide under their great authorities, Rossetti and Co., would only take the writer in
bushels and sing small. Though ready to accept all the praise we hand, his fortune would be made at once. He is just about their
deserve for our great and undoubted discovery, we must admit that handwriting."
the following is but a reproduction, untold gold having been useless in
tempting the writer from his Temperance Star, which we aro therefore A "Round 'un."
compelled to lay under contribution. The poem is called "Three THE Globe, determined to keep up its character as chief of the
Ragged Little Boys," and it tells us that there are- "penny comics" has invented a new style of humour. In a recent
Three shiv'ring forms on a wintry day number it spoke of a cricket match as being "between Eton v.
Scanning the cook-shop across the way, Winchester; and lest that effort should fail to secure the admiration
Mouth gaping wide, and with anxious eye it deserved, in the same issue it had a big heading about a great
Longingly sniffing the pudding and pie.
Cu.-Where is their ma, where is their pa ? Conservative gain at an Irish election. As on inspection this
Drinking fi'ry liquor at the gin-shop bar. was found to consist of the election of one Conservative and one
Shoeless and shirtless, and starving too; Liberal, the gain must be, not in the possession of Tory M.P.'s so
Pearly white teeth, but with no food to chew; much as in the development of a comicality in Conservative
Thick matted hair and dirt-grim'd face, journalism which, though undoubtedly well meant, is after all rather
Fetterless and wild as the Arab race.
Cn.-Where is &c. oppressive and not at all original. Lying, either in fun or in earnest,
Yes, where is &c. P But no matter. was in fashion even before the existence of the Globe newspaper,
though that organ does deserve slight credit for having brought the
Three trembling boys in the bobby's claws, process somewhere nearer perfection.
Charg'd with stealing from tradesmen's doors.
Sad is their story-no home or food,
All sent to gaol for their future good. it
Ci.-Where is their ma, where is their pa ? Take a Site
Speechlessly drunk at the gin-shop bar. THE Daily Telegraph is kind enough to tell us, under its Dublin head,
It will be noticed that the descriptive matter of this is particularly that "a young woman named Onnan, daughter to a farmer in Meath,
good, and by it are discovered peculiarities of action hitherto undreamt obtained 300 damages against another named Bellew for breach of
of in connection with ragged little boys. But we don't believe, promise of marriage." This is Irish news with a vengeance, unless it
in the face of all the genius exhibited by the poet, that any one is also D. T. fine writing, which says one thing and means another.
" bobby," even though he possessed claws, could collar three delin- There is some talk of a night school for editors of daily papers.
quents who were stealing at different places, all at one and the same Peterborough Court would be an excellent site for it.
JuTY 4, 1874.]
CRICKET CRUMBS AND TURF TRIUMPHS.
SIR,-I beg to say that I have a grievance. Fear not, 'tis un-
directed against yourself -or against anyone connected with this paper,
and until. it is, settled the hatchet must be buried even with Dod
Grile, and the knife be sheathed I had intended for the pachy-
dermatous cuticle of the Unhung'uan, than whom, though I say it
myself, two more reprehensible reproducers do not exist. But what
is private animosity, American want of humour,'or unhung criticism,
to one bowed down by the knowledge that insult:.has been lavished
with -no unsparing hand upon the order to which he belongs, and' by
means -of.that order upon himself; though he nevermnever never hurts
theleelings of the-babe unborn ? But to my'story. It-is the -sporting
press, sir,'which has been.-insulted, and I as the admittedly leading
,member of that body feel the indignity, and in the names of myself
to -give, of the. great -British; public. Time was when the sporting
press -was an institution, compared with which trial by jury, .Cook's
coupons, the Pro Rata Systemrand perforated postage stamps were weak
.and unworthy of -notice; but now, fallen from its high estate- I mean
-its fourth estate-trodden .under foot by the temperate and truthful
Sir Wilfrid Lawson, the 'energetic and anxious Anderson, and. the
awfully, ambitious Earl :of Morley, it has become the scorn and
reproach 'of the racing tout:and even of the cricket-ground lurcher.
Such is the fate of the mightiest institutions when once they begin to
.droop and.wither. No longer do they raise their heads proudly to the
meridian, .which is, a! high. though somewhat vague, position, but
leaning gradually fronr-the-normal and perpendicular posture once usual
with, them.'they gradually totter, until with one fell swoop-they fall
downiflop-and lipparallelbwith the horizon. (I charge nothing extra
for;'this beautiful -and metaphorical piece of description.)
.iSir,:whentthe.proprieters of the Chelsea Cricket-ground.lput forth
a,,notice that, all recognized reporters 'must wear clean ,.hands and
'feet ,.or they wouJd .not be. allowed to: have their dinners at the
reduced- press taiff,.I'foresaw the doom .of the sporting reporter. '2.
foresaw.:that; he would::be degraded and placed on the 1- ..:-1 :. t.he
ordinary 'human being; that his little eccentricities in the way of beer,
boots,.,andbohBmianism'would be criticised by such sordid', minds as
these of 7he'*aitem.andehe moneytaker, who cannot understand that
.clean shirts'are inimical tocleverness, and that cold water dilutes good
composition. i. L&newithat the liberty of the Press was in;danger;:.and
though I triumplnimiahefact that I could sniff the danger-afar.:offjand
made myself safe by accustoming myself to saponaceous substances
by easy stages, I grieve for those of my brethren who would not take
the timely warning, and upon whom the blow falls with swift severity.
At a meeting held within the past few days by the proprietors of
the running, cricket, and other grounds in or near the metropolis, it was
resolved that the time had now arrived when it became expedient to
teach reporters of cricket and pedestrianism how to behave themselves.
For this purpose a code of rules was drawn up for their government,
and as I have been supplied with an early copy, I offer it, sir, to the
inspection of the public through the medium of your columns. After
a preamble, in which the virtues of all proprietors,and the vices of all
pressmen are duly recited, it runs thus:-
That. every reporter must behave himself as such under pain of
That the duties of a reporter consist in reporting, and not in
thinking himself a good deal better than either the ground bowlers or
"That all reporters must be recognized before they are admitted
free. Their descriptions will be entered in the Cricket and Pedestrian
.Hueeand Cry, a copy 'of which will be kept at the gate for reference.
That all reporters -mus .'give up their pipes, and tobacco before
entering the ground. .'They wil not -be' searched at the principal
entrance, but should they wish to'occupy the press cupboard, a rigorous
inspection of their clothes and linen (if any) 'will take place. Ends of
cigars and toppers generally will. be seized .and impounded if ..dis-
"That any reporter convicted of talking during the time of play
shall be fined threepence for the first offence, and be madeato do his
work by himself should he subsequently offend.
And that all reports be submitted to the proprietor of the:ground
before being sent off. The proprietor to be entitled to make any
alteration he may see fit; and any objection to be declared null and
void, as well as to disqualify the objector from al6 participation in the
reduced press tariff."
As I am to be the editor of the. Hue and Gry referred to in the above
extract, I'm all right, and have no occasion to grumble; still I think
you will agree with me in all I have said about the loss of power
under which the sporting press of the present day suffers, and will
admit that the ground proprietors are just a trifle too hard on their
humble andobedient servants the reporters.
Now it is. by no means easy to keep always chuckling over.success.
The. strongest-mainded, man in the world can't chuckle for ever, and if
it's only for the sake of varying the monotony of the business, I shall
have to put my readers onto a loser or two. I shall know it is a loser
when I tell them, and shall only do so for the sake of variety, because,
although Art Critics and Dod Griles don't know the feelings of
success to-any extent, they really do pall when you get too many of
them. I mean the feelings of course, and not the Griles or the other
things. 'When did any other contributor to this paper give such a
gloriously successful finale to his tip as that which closed my last
week's article ? Yes, a tip does have a finale,, strange as it may seem.
Listen, minions! it's last lines were-
For amid both shrieks and laughter,
Lily Agnes wins the Plate.
And though the editor of this journal isiburstingrwith envy, and is
:anxious for everyone to believe that he drops the-correct tips, as well
*as the jokes, into my article, I must. tell the truth and claim, the
'reward of merit. The jokes hedis-welcome to, but the tips are those of
FoTrr's avery solemnage,
And should be grave, 'and calmand'aober.
June is the hay-day. For the,,sage
The haytime's finished by October.
Yes! But thereiare soma hearts-'and lawns-
Whose harvests latewattain completeness.
Some evenings are so.much like dawns,
We-do not think lowishort:the sweetness.
Twenty is youth. Itspassionsswell
And boil and bubble like ageyser.
Forty is like a fern'cladwell,
,Not quite so:olamorous-~untwiser!
Sad memories:crowd aboutrtheteiAk
And make its breast look. dark; andltonely;-
If thoughts-are sad--still let usithink,
For sorrow -lasts ai lifetime 'oely.
;'Then,'welcome; ory! '/You arewise-
Wisdom is selfishness extraetbd.
Twenty would wonder how all eyes
Would criticise the part it acted;
Forty, unlike that nervous elf,
Accepts its role without emotions,
And, having simply pleased itself,
Cares not a snap for others' notions!
Well! Forty's right, and Twenty's wrong;
A wise man spurns the world's dominion,
And I--I had to write a song,
And so I've rhymed on my opinion.
Twenty is lord of unfound lands,
The morning sun falls freely o'er it,
While Forty gropes for kindly hands,
With little but the grave before it.
(We Sanot r'eaur neespted .MSS;er Sketches, .unless they arv ematn.
panied by, -stamped and.,directed'envelope; and wead.'se"Auddgstfl.s
* responstlefor lss.j
K.X (Cork).--Avior' vostice! 'Why 'didn't you read 'our 'rViles' rid
observe-them. ''We have ;-andconsequetntly the 'MSS will light'our-lbi'Wry
fire this,genial. July.
S. (Harthill).--Someoof these .days you.-wlll.ba harthilly. gld&'we'ajld
not publish your crudereffusions.
"E. (Knightsbridge).-rDon't write, 'any more, ,or, if you, .do please, eoeit
your signature. Our hair .has turned ,grey. in a. nightlong, effort,'to
decipher your name.
SmEx.-But we are flint, too!
(Fool's Paradise).- For goodness',sake, stop there! If you left, they
'would have to, shut up the shop.
FORWAnn (Liverpool).-Rather too forward !
(Ayr).-Perhaps if your name had been written in water it would
have been legible. 'It was -written in air-and blowed if we can
F. (Ealing).-The sketch was returned.
Declined with thanks:-F. D.,.Kingsland; W., Camberwell; Regular
Reader; J., Highbury ; Navvy; T. l., 'Liverpool; D. G. ; R., Islington;
N., Walworth-road; G., Bridgewater; A Digger; S. ..L. hi.; F. A. S'.,
Huddersfield; P., Alfred-street; 1Bobby; ,R. E., Portland Tfown; T.,
Leamington; G. G., Liverpool; R, Leeds ; A Lad of Fifteen; L., Tollerton;
B.P. S.; J. C., Morpeth; T., Paisley; H., Fowle; M., Portman-square;
0., Spennymore; E., Lanark; W.' S. C.. Brixton; S., Burnley; N. F. R.,
Islington; Tom W.; R., Camberwell ;i Old Fogey.
14 FUN [JULY 4, 1874.
14__ ____ ii i -- *' --- *.r ,--ssi' i' ~ w n-
AT THE GREAT CROWD.
Son:-" I SAY, FATHER, WHAT DO THE PEOPLE MARK IN THEIR CATALOGUES FOR?
Father :-" To SHOW THAT THEY HAVE HAD A GOOD LOOK AT THE PICTURE, SO THAT WHEN THEY COME AGAIN THEY NEED NOT WASTE
ANY MORE TIME ON IT."
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
THERE has not been of late a better book of American humour-
with a touch of universal pathos, too-than Out of the Hurly Burly
(Chatto and Windus, Piccadilly), by Max Adelar, a nom de plume almost
unknown in England. It is excellently and copiously illustrated
in a way that we do not expect in American books, and is, therefore,
altogether a surprise to us mere Britishers. But it is, if we may be
allowed the use of an Americanism, "real grit."
In The Muses of Mayfair (Chatto and Windus, Piccadilly), Mr.
Cholmondeley Pennell, himself a widely recognized writer of vers de
soeidtd, has gathered most of the gems of that peculiar style. He
certainly has all the best things of the kind-Leigh Hunt's immortal
"Jenny" rondeau, and Owen Meredith's one poem, with a host of
other exquisite jewels. We must not then murmur; but rather, on the
other hand, bestow our plaudits on an editor, who, with a reputation
in the sphere of society verse, is generous enough to enclose in the
net he throws over the writers of the century a few small fish, which
-for he is an angler, too-he might have fairly restored to their
native element. However, despite the fact that some of us mere
rhymesters find a place in its pages, the book contains enough of well-
weighed gold to balance the-shall we say bronze ?
From Messrs. Routledge we receive Out of the Hurly Burly already
noticed; Josh Billings, which is on many grounds a book to be
possessed; and Prudence Palfrey, Mr. Aldrich's latest novel, a story
which abounds in all the attractions he contrives to throw around the
simplest theme. It is time, we suppose, for America to take its
innings, and so long as it sends to the wicket such men as it does now,
the old country will be proud to field, and to cheer the vigorous hits
of those who would not be, in the strict sense of the word, opponents,
even if they were not blood-relations.
Gardeningfor Amateurs (Harberd and Co., Red Lion-court), is an
essentially amusing work, but its humour may not always be fully
appreciated by the amateur. An author who talks about pansies
blooming in the open in the first week in January may be a wit, but
he is scarcely a gardener. Still, we can heartily commend the little
pamphlet to those who combine with a love of horticulture an apprecia-
tion of humour. They may be safely trusted with it.
Now Ready, the Twenty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The NINETEENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
.YOUTH'S SUNNY DAYS.-By Howard Paul. Dear MadelalneGray, we have known the heart's sorrow.
DEAR Madelnine Gray, i am re yoa remember Since those happy days have flown rapidly past
Oar footsteps as light as the music of fsys: Tet bright are the hopes that from borrow we've garnered
O don't you remember where often we ramtbled And rich are thejoys that our memories store,
And watched the mill-wheel wildly dashong round, Oar hearts are still glowing with life's s ertest pleasures,
And how hepure stream brightly slahed In the sunlight, Though childhood's fond days, like its flower, are no more.
And flun7 the cold drops on the blossoming ground?
And, Madelaine Gray, you cannot have forgotten.
The lessons we learned at the old willow tree; We again present our readers with an extract from Mesrs. 4. Lpse and Son's wonderfully
With sweet summer sounds all around to allure us, amusing book, "Folios and Fashions." The verses, from the facile pen of Mr. Howard Paul,
The thrush and the iunm of the musical bee. have bean written expressly for Meser. Lyneo and their magoazon. Readers of Fun" have
The hundreds of games at tie owing on the hillock, only to send their name and addresses to the Cornr f elfluel Laos, horeditch, or to
The sports ev'ry morn, neathh the wide.-spreading vine, Ken01saon Hoe., Ludyate Hill, and a copy of this remarkable volume will be returned them
The quarrel I had with you once in the wild.wood, grali ant free by post. Cordially doweendoetieoplnlon of the Sundo Timen,,e' hen, rev:e.
For liking my brother's eyes better than mine I i1 the magazine, it observes, ach a combination of amusement and utility we seldom ee."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.O.-London, July 4, 1874.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, NO. 380.
WELCOME to the meadows brown
Welcome to the dusty town,
Pouring plentifully down,
Comes the rain to charm us.
But we very well could spare
Gleams that cleave the startled air
Mid loud rolling everywhere,
They sometimes may harm us.
1. In a royal family legends tell
There was a knave who did not well:
lie stole provisions and he got
It, what they call, uncommon hot."
2. No, please to take the dish away,
I like not meat the second day,
Warmed up again,
Or cold and plain.
3. Italy's painter of the greatest grace,
Was born at this high-honoured place.
4. When any play they this declare,
'Tis from the French be well aware!
5. The Row's very nice for a canter,
But I seek elsewhere
In her carriage and pair my enchanter,
So young and so fair.
6. The lovely Queen employed her elevation
To benefit her crushed and fallen nation.
7. Each Sunday in our open spaces
They groan and bellow and make faces.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC, No. 378.-July Heat: Josh,
Unique, Lea, Yeast.
CORRECT SoLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC, No. 378, received 1st July:-
Ada N.; Notts; Sideropolitai; Peggotty's Daughter; Gyp;
Pollaky; Neil and Pons; Pecksniff; Sally and Bob; Sara;
Nevarce; Pipekop; Muffles; Smug; Cassabelaunus; The Sword
Fish; Little Peacocks; Bob and Dolly; Lutanist; Cliff; Winkle;
Charles N.; Yellowhammer; Pimlico Tom Cat; Tymkins Again;
Blanky G.; Algernon M.; Cake and Ale; Pik; Charley and
Alfli; Guitar; The Leibig Family; Ozone; Hoptop; Mary and
Her Ma; Brice; I. Harry B.; Thomas R.; Bungo the Big;
Nolo; Boiled Owl; Hart; Guilac; Peggotty; Nodwas; Spheroid;
Your Own James; Tomaroo; Spigwiffin; Jimricus; D. E. H.;
Smug; Lazy One; Goutty and Lis; Ardmore; Double or Quits;
Ruby's Ghost; Hammersmith; Lindis; Rodrigo; Flossie M.;
Sax; Fern; Beaumaris Pier; Meggs; Enston Bobbie; Interim
Guarantee; A. B. C.; Slodger and Tiney.
GETTING AT IT.
Joboy :-" I SAY, WAITER, WHICH DID YOU PUT IN FIRST, THE WATER
OR THE SPIRIT."
Waiter :-" WHISKEY, SIR-AND YOU TOLD MBE TO PILL IT UP! "
Jolliboy :-" OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT-I HAVEN'T COME TO THE WHISKEY
DOTS AND LINES.
CoNCHA ran into danger and got shot. Generals should be more
particular. = J. L. Toole leaves for a tour in America. The Bird of
Freedom will inevitably become a J.L. Bird. = More French
journalists duelling. They are ready always to come to the scratch,
and that's all they get as a rule. = Collision between military and
populace at Corfu. Sort of Corfu mill. = The missing nobleman
has been found. There'are some noblemen that would not be missed
at all. = An M.P. and an officer stopped en route for Ostend to fight
a duel. Could they have been rehearsing the duel from Picktoick ? =
Pilgrimage of agricultural labourers to Manchester. Too much d la
Sergeant Bates. = Madman charged at Bow-street observed that
"under the lunacy laws he was the sovereign of the Prince of Wales."
This sounds like sense. = Man brought an action for breach of
promise against a young lady. Jury valued his injured feelings at one
farthing! Girl's father said she was only half a child-she was a
twin. Lord Coleridge dissented. It could not be Siamesily proved.
- Dublin is anxious to purify the Liffey. Should petition the Lord
Liffeytenant. = More new and original English pieces taken from
French plays. The in-Alsatiable Germans only took provinces; we
fight for ideas. = Outbreak of the cattle plague in Switzerland. The
Ranz des vachos won't stop it. But white-wache is a preventive.
SIR MICHAEL, why so very quick
To drop your baton, and to cut your stick ?
When they thus raised their voices in accents sonorous
'Twas a matter of course-and a matter of chorus.
That to sing all together so well they have learned,
Should have clearly your thanks and your sympathy earned.
A SILLY paper which, like most silly papers, professes to have
special knowledge of things which nobody cares about, and is wofully
ignorant of all the things it ought to know, teaches the young idea
how to fish, and among other curious items of want of intelligence
gives the following:-
A writer of the twelfth century stated that in a certain pool in Wales, the trout,
the perch, and the eel, were deficient of the left eye. A recent work on trout and
salmon fishing in Wale4 strangely enough confirms in part this observation,
asserting that one-eyed trout are still caught in the same waters.
If either of these clever writers had studied the natural history of
Welsh fish he would have known that they are in the habit of winking
when being inspected from the bank by persons who, however well
they may write about fishing, never saw a fishing rod out of a shop
window, except on a Sunday morning at Dagenham, Tottenhan, or the
Regent's Canal. Possibly, if these fish were consulted they would say
that they have not rarely suffered from a one-eyed race of writers.
THAT valuable society the Gardeners' Royal Benevolent Institution
has just held its annual dinner. It was naturally notable for the
excellence of its (slpeaches.
The Eastern Question.
POETS are very fond of talking about Eastern looms." But what
looms for the Eastern in the future ?
All Round my Hat.
QUAxERS are temperate to a degree-yet an apt motto for them
would be Brim-full!"
JuLY 11, 1874.]
,. 7 ,-'*;*
16 FIU N .- _[JULY 11, 1874.
FUN OF.FICE, Wednesday, July 8, 1874.
SIR WILLJABER L.
Is a conjurer fell,
Who would change into water, beer, spirits, and wine.
A cleverish trick,
But, just at this nick,
The people of England must beg to decline!
Hei presto! cockalorum!
It isn't quite decorum
Down people's gills,
Against their wills,
To pour your nauseous jorum.
Sir Willjaber L.
Is all very well,
His jokes as the water are possibly clear,
But no further to seek
They are often so weak,
Which is dih:toi their age on occasions, I fear,
It fs't quite decorum
Down people's gills,
Against their wills,
To pour fons non leporum.
BY a curious coincidence. on the very day when Mr. Albert Grant's.
gift of Leicester-square was formally completed, the Corporation
returned to the donor, Baroness Burdett Coutts, the Columbia Market,
which. she had presented to-the City. What moral can we draw fiom
this fact ? Did it occurto Mr, Grant that perhaps some of these days
a grateful Board of. Works would hand him back Leicester Garden'?
Or did it dawn, on the Corporation that the inevitable comparison'
of the two simultaneous events would, not lead to a flattering emw
clusion as far a-.they are concerned? We cannot say; but this we'
most sincerely hope, that the conduct of the wealthy, civic body will
not prevent rich and benevolent people from. following. the genercui
example of M r. Grant. We hope, too, that th'e public will be wise:
and respect and' guard what is bestowed, on them, so as to disprove
the assertion that the Briton cannot behave as well as the Gaul, and
that, therefore, London cannot be provided with public squares
and gardens, which are so delightfully common, not only in Paris, but
in every French provincial town.
WHAT'S GOING ON.
ROSHERVILLE, the place to spend a happy day," is in full force
once more. As it is under the management of Mr. Fort, well-known
as a caterer for the public, it is likely to come out strong. Indeed,
it does-with balloons, ballets, concerts, fairs, dancing, burlesques and
fireworks! And all for sixpence F' Well, we wish it success, for we
remember having, as aw boy, shot an arrow into the apple on the head
of Tell's son, and being discreet enough not to divulge that we had
aimed'at the next target. An early hit and a successful fiction.
We are glad.to see that the Floral and Horticultural Society of the
Alexandra Cottages at Penge will give its annual Flower Show on the
15th of August. It was a plucky attempt on the part of the inhabi-
tants, and its success will, we hope% encourage similar institutions in
places of the same kind.
IT is perhaps not altogether polite to compare the gentleman who
has so often and so ably arbitrated in disputes between masters and
men te Barnaby Rudge's raven, simply because he can say, I'm a
Kettle." But he certainly has a Grip of the question.
Pate-tent to All.
OLD Shinipoll, whose head is as deficient of hair as a glass solitaire
ball, was asked the other day which of the poems of Longfellow he
admired most. He at ence said the Balder the Beaukiful.'"
ANOTHER active and intelligent but mad constable has killed another
lost but. sane dog. It is clear a policeman finds it as difficult, to
control his staff as some editors do.
At the Zoo.
SILLIru IA having visited the Zoo was anxious to read up something
about the rhinoceros, and in order to do so sent for the latest work on
THE Handel Festival has passed off with complete success. But
the fashionable audiences (who do not read short pars in the papers ;
confining themselves to murders, and births, deaths; and marriages
chiefly) were not aware how nearly that success was converted into a
failure. The Directors might at the last moment have had to declare
that the Festival could not come off for want of a chorus. The
members of the chorus have certain unmistakable, but easily remedi-
able grievances, which they courteously set forth, and requested a
reply. It was withheld till the last rehearsal at Exeter Hall, where it
was demanded so persistently that Sir Michael Costa put down his
baton-relictd on bene parmulad-and retreated. The two points
were; that the singers, allowed but one half-hour for refreshments,
should not be sent to the farthest end of the gallery to contend with
the public, a task so hard as almost to amount to a restriction. The
second point was, that they should not be compelled to travel to the
Palace several hours before the performance, or pay full railway fare,
a compulsion very unfair to gentlemen who are chiefly in business.
Considering how very greatly at festivals and concerts they contri-
bute to their popularity and success, they should be treated with
grateful consideration, not with all sorts of inconveniences. It was
in their power and in their right to have struck as a body and killed
the celebration. They were generous, and unselfishly love their art,
and they refused to punish the public, though it was their opportunity.
Everybody must respect them for their conduct under the circumstance,
of which the obloquy probably rests chiefly on the Sacred Philharmonic
Society, though some of the blame must fall on the Palace Company.
There has been a change of management there, and it has made
alterations of policy, which are certainly not improvements. No one
cares to be treated as if Sydenham were a drill-shed.
Mr. Burnand has broken out in a fresh place, and now his pieces
occupy the whole of the Royalty programme. His version of Archie
Lovel is, if unauthonsed, satisfactory, the acting, of Mr. George
Reginald and Miss Hodson doing much to strengthen it; but the new
piece, a translation from the French, entitled Better Late than Semvr,
would fairly, or rather unfairly, test the powers of the most comic
actor of any day. The author calls his production an eccentric comedy,
Sbut while admitting the eccentric, we must, if only in the name of com-
mon sense, deny the comedy, as the situations would be inadmissible in a
properly organised farce. Yet with all its eccentricity the piece is a
very marvel of dulness, and the only laughter we heard on the night
of its production was directed against and was certainly not with the
writer. The plot has something to do with a woman who. gets
married twice, but how, or why, or wherefore, it is impossible to say;
for though we had not even the usual author's and.manager s excuse
of a train to catch or a supper to get, a feeling of, sympathy for the
conscientious artists who were trying so well and succeeding so ill,.
compelled us to depart suddenly, and so the end remains a blank.
Surely, if the '* unacted and unread can do anything at a1 lie ought
to be welcome just now at the Royalty Theatre.
Those Islingtonians who prefer to take their instruction and amuse-
ment in their own neighbourhood, and who regard the Agricultural
*Hall as the seat of the arts and sciences, as the capital of commerce
and the chosen abode of cattle, have a seasonable treatoffered them
just now vice the Mohawk Minstrels promoted to the'provinces. This
is in the form of Hamilton's Diorama of the journey to New York
and what takes place afterwards. The pictures are accompanied by
descriptive accounts and appropriate melodies, plain and coloured, and
the arrangements generally are such as to secure thecomfort asewell
as to' attract the attention of visitors.
ON' A LATE CRICKET MATCH.
To the bat of old Oxford Fate comfort affords,
Though her boat to defeat she condemns:
For the 'Varsity wields with great triumph at Lord's,
The willows she wears on the Thames.
New and Original.
THE Daily. Teleg'rap suggests, dpropos of the vacancy at the Lord
Chamberlain's office, that the reading of pieces should be entrusted.to
Colonel Henderson and his assistant Commissioners-with the aid of
Inspector Druscovitch to compare English translations with French
originals. But would not this be a little severe on the Inspector, who
would have nearly all the work to himself?
THE property of an author in his writings is copyhold."
A COMPLAINT OUR BUTCHER DECLINES TO BELIEVE IN.-Fatty
JLY 11, 1874.1 .Fi U IN 17
MY CONTINENTAL .TOUR.
AT eight exactly I awoke-
At nine had breakfast in a hury ;
Then o'er my matutinal smoke
,Devoted half an hour to Murray.
For,,weary of the tedious town,
I -longed to leave its common places;
To search all Europe up and down
For-novel scenes and novel faces.
I fancied I should like the Norbh,
Especially the coast of Swedden;
Yet *southern climes are imagedtfitth
In Murray as a kind of Eden.
'Twas ten o'clock, and still I at
,Without a definite suggestion.
,1-thought of this and thagght-.ef that,;
But- thought.of nothig5othhe question.
JElleven. struck. 1ydfeebleanind
No settled resanigsseid.
The noonday onlya7:uto fid
My plan of action undecided.
I read the Telegraph, The Times,
The Standard, and the Advertiser.
'Twas one by old St. Clement's chimes,
And ILwas-not a whi$tdhe wiser.
IAboflght of roving ViMihe-hine,
.~. insteamers are mnyhaart's abhorrence.
Another little scheme of mine
(Was-raeversing the-Alpr to Flovence.
'Till two o'clock-Jestivreito make
My plans, but -gabwnetain-very;
And -soI AlliedaE ttlttA e
A sandwich ani a~4tss d sherry.
Fromihree.to fourand four to five
Mytthopghts were in a dim confusion,
tdlwould not help: me to arrive
.Ab any absolute' conclusion.
.Atsaix 1 hurried off:to-dine,
moked three-Manillave-n more,
Anl reached=the-opera by nine
-T'o hear a little Trovatore.
'Tis; twelve'clook. I'.ve hean.to-aup.
This melancholy day is ended.
I rather think of giving up
The little trip that I intended.
The hours will soonAebgrowing small;
I can't sitap =Bkh-raainute.
I won't go-uot didtwausdtiall,
But pass-JulyaHuAlwug t in it.
WarrTEN with something wme than my usual disregard.f reason
andiinattention to fact, itilsmatural-nay it was inevitable-that my'
article ,in a late number-ef this paper ,should contain abundance- of
metaplhysical error and'material misstatement. Indeed, it is question-'
ableifithebmiautest-care for'the editor's -reputation could have-amade,
an -essay .on the Baromsatioal Morality of Political Beetrooti"oall'
that itonught:to be ; ibut.ma aure-reflection has, I hope, enabled me toi
note:the more obviousaerrorsof.the papers it was hastilythrovwnmo,
and to correct them by others; I 'therefore propose to nyself the
happiness of controverting my ttaistis, demolishing my theories, and
reversing the application of the entire article. aV sp
In the first place I find that in affirming the realistic, instead of the
heraldic, significance -of-new potatoes, I-laid myself open to a charge of
incomprehensivity in the very quarter in which it was essential that
there should be no misunderstansion. By not availing myself of the
resources of the language, I expressed myself not .perhaps obscurely
but imperfectly. What :I really meant to say 'was not ,that new
potatoes are deficient in isanguineous sirloinss" but that "KM. Ollivier
Pain, the Communist, is re-arded in Bath as merely an incarnation of
,the Oliver Biscuit"-a very different matter. -Had my critics, taken
the trouble to read the whole article they would have found a little
,further on, this sentence: Whom.the gods love die young; "a senti-
ment which,, whether it explains the passage in question or not, ia,at
least my own, whereas my detractors Aare neither perapicuous -nor
One of the most pernicious passages in the essay is this:-" In
applying nitrate of silver- vulgarly known as lunar caustic-to a
wart, one should never moisten the stick of nitrate with one's tongue."
It is surprising how I could ever have lent the weight of my name to
-u ha: fallacy as ,that! By simply forgetting that the human tongue
is quite as sensitive to the influence of lunar caustic as the human
wart is, the misleading falsity of the warning is seen at once. In
extenuation I can only plead that having just previously performed
the act alluded to, I naturally fell into the mistake of writing too
feelingly upon a subject of which I had acquired a knowledge by
experience only, instead of by sound reflection. I cannot spare myself
the pain of confessing that in picking me up" on this point the
Saturday Review was unquestionably right, though I am sorry to add
unnecessarily indignant. I cannot admit. that a mere lapsus lnguae on
myipart justified the.reviewer in calling me a murdering thief. Such
la guageismnere applicable-to Augspur than to me.
'My reason for believingtthfatsbrellas have souls now perceive to
be insufficient. Itis true there isa&.general resemblance between an
umbrella -and a.mushroom, 'hut 5it occurs o me now that it was
neoessaryto-tmy-argument -to'prove, or at-least assume, that mush-
rooms hnave .souls, which I rtainly -do not believe, and never did
'believe. Apropos of this, "'kJe'imes -was quite correct in saying that
reasoning from analogy may be pushed too far. But why should it
also have stated that my grandfather was a base-born costermonger
and a fiend ? Criticism has its decent limits, as well as debate, and it
is no more agreeable to me to have my dead grandfather flung into my
face than it is for Sir Wilfrid Lawson to have the convivial secrets of
Jis ,.dinnerx-able disclosed in a Parliamentary chin-fight over the
Permissive Bill. I may say here, briefly, that I think chin-fight"
rather better than the things commoJy. said by the other con-
:tributors to this paper.
'It will be -rvemembered that in that-ttef my article in which I
dealt very minutely-and I flatter ,ysee.wery severely-with the
cardinal virtnes,:Ibo6hdly advanced thelbelieftthatthemails of tadpoles
might be more ad. tejgeously. got rid of by abanitinarthan by drop-
tion. The, tion:p asibleiatit appears, has =otasssAethat progress
in the scientific le d that Itmxpected. The piaiiing oAystem has
*apparently beenrtoo -long uaMablished to be ovetzdrown,sand the few
experiments in asy amethdll which were made ~at dhe Brighton
.Aquarium haveaeo.arF,-convinced mnetat tN oi oawyis the better.
That -the p61 i*saithihemseives undSteadly opposiaidsto the new
'lan is no against it; damaintres aoo1end of change
the -plea of not even rengaomW Wk-mnow they are
an inconstant, wracillatig race, adheogito.e pa pae absurdity
during a great -partaf their lives, thi.r Aiarding At from mere
wantonness. "'fhe-real objections to abslopfienIeaesbeen ably stated
by -a writer inthe Contemporary Review,,to-slhich periodical I must
refer the curious, merely cautioning them against accepting as
argument the writer's assertion that I have been twice flogged for
-garotting -and -once ,transported for 'bolling three babies-in -pitch-a
statement which I cannot but regret that a controversialist who had
science on his side should have felt himself compelled to make.
h:c -confession and rectification of error is not entirely a pleasant
labour.;.asScaliger has -well -remarked, thegoy of penitence is embit-
etered'bythe grif of restitution. -But withwuch a conscience as I am
-cased tRith, 2,flare not allow myself the 'mpirness of disseminating
dalsehoodsafrom which I expect no -urther profit, though I will not
.deny myself the delightsb of reducing the value of those with which I
.have parnted to my publishers. Sowithout furtherTpocieation I will
.fay.oMce for all that the article on.the "1Moral -Politics of the Beetroot
-Barometer" was from beginning-to'and, and d-cak again, a piece of
,nncheoqeseld idity and imaginativemeondality. I wrote it current
,* adi ee'aeaa2 s:ha;hungry, :butwhy;:thoeditor published it is more
riiad -dangerous to write on subjects which reqwire'special know-
ledge as well as literary ability, and we should recommin',d the
perpetratorr of the following to take, a few private lesasos from
Augspur, at the conclusion of which he will see, if n,,tr:i. elhe, the
error of his ways, and will certainly not want to write sporting any
What is sport to you is-death to us," said tbhe frog, and other antimals may
say the same; but to petlrfrog with stone* "for the fai of the thig," i different.
,from atehbing .almon-ith a hskver the hare withi a gun.
The only mgun you can each "the hare with is the Woolwich
Infant. The hunter baits the muzzle with toasted cheese, and th,'
,hare thusindnced crawls in to pay a visit, as he thinks, to his relatirsp-
the Welsh rabbits. The hunter then doses the orifice, and takes the
hare prisoner as he attempts to escape :through the touch-.hole. This
performance may oceasionally be varied, but is generaly as given
CCmosrrr i Nm ,tvAr Hsrour (lately xhibtited in fite leuae of
Comimon,s).-The Rabbit's Bill.
18 F U N [JULY 11, 1874.
MORE GRANDMOTHERLY GOVERNMENT.
HAVING successfully encouraged the Christian Virtues mentioned in our last, we might then proceed to enforce a little-
8. VERNEATION.-Anyone sneering at our public monuments, to be run in.
9. PsasuvEascz .-FolkB failing to obtain immediate parochial relief, to keep 10. TRUTRnFULssS.-No change needed here-merely stick to the Income Tax.
on trying till they get it.
// 11, t /2
11. EuMAms Y.-No change here either-Leave the Railway Companies to their little games.
A BLUE LOOK-OUT.
ASSOCIATE institutes are so fashionable nowadays that really the
Good Templars or some other form of teetotallers might among them
raise up a Society for the Suppression of Satisfaction and Sympathy,
as well as of Strong Drinks. The gentlemen who waited on the Lord
Mayor with reference to the Bluecoat boys would form very active if
not particularly intelligent members, as the following will show:-
' The Rev. G. W. M'Cree one of the secretaries of the United Kingdom Band of
Hope Union, said that considerable attention was excited in the minds of their
subscribers and friends when notices appeared in the public journals announcing
that a glass of wine formed part of the hospitality shown to the boys at the
Mansion House. The deputation wished very respectfully to suggest to his lord-
ship that some non-intoxicating beverage or a present of sweetmeata might be
12. UNIVERSAL VIRTUE (and consequent happiness). Let the
Comic Artists legislate for the country, and make
Peers of 'em.
In the name of common sense and good taste we protest against such
idiotic exposures of the intemperance which causes these muddlers to
poke their inquisitive noses into the business which concerns them
not, and very likely to neglect their own concerns and those of their
families. The most remarkable part of the report is that Mr. Lusk
"expressed the pleasure he felt in meeting the deputation." If he
had met them in the Justice Room with a view to sentencing them to
mind their own business one could have understood it, but as it is we
cannot manage it without a "modest quencher." A d we'll have
A MAN born deaf must be a good man, for he has never 'er'd.
F'TTN,-JuLY 11, 1874.
Sir W*lfr*d --"OBSERVE! THERE TS NO DECEPTION. I SWALLOW THIS GLASS OF WATER, AND IN ITS
PLACE-HEI PRESTO!-I PRODUCE A JOKE!"
JULY 11, 1874.]:,
Of Thurloe Square
She never thinks-
She's not aware,
It is-not she'
I'go to see
But ma-so fottyA,fhtj and fair.
In no great hurry
Coined the chinks
By hot pickles,
Sauce that tickles
Palates, and'by Indian'curry.
When he died
(Such things will come!)
He could divide
A good round plum,
The widow got
The blessed lot,
And so I must admire-but, mum!
Of Thurloe Square-
She isn't there.
So you'll agree
That as for me,
What I'm about -I-hquite aware!
THERE is a superstition to the effect
that pigs can see the'- wind Can it/have
possibly arisen fronmthe tendency of'pork
to be blown .?'
Lady Visitor (in ru
A LOT OF WHIPPING! "
fMrs. S. :-" WzLa
THE Cornhill is a singularly good number this month. Far from
the Madding Crowd," with its quaint Shakesperian clowns, is very
good, and A Rose-ittJune improves. "Modern Sorcery" is an
excellent discussion, of Spiritualism, which it clearly condemns.
"Prosper M1rimbe," too,is good.
Scribner's as usual abounds iti exquisite landscapes. Mr. R: H. Stod-
dard writes soundly ona Ancestry," and Mr. Hart contributes an
exhaustive essay on the Shakespeare death-mask, and other portraits
of the poet.
=In Maemillan's '-.have Sir Samuel Baker's discourses on the slave-
trade., ML. Monet'. gives a biographical and critical account of
Michelet; Another gem is the-scholarly paper by Mr. Oxenford on the
" Esthoniat Hercules."
Temple Bar is capital this month.. Uiicle John of course is good.
"Monsieur Chauvin" is inimitable, and' the regular essayist of the
periodical- holds up Louis Philippe in all.his deformity with scathing
power. There are few better magazines than this has 'become.
HArry Delane" is the chief' attraction of Good Things, but with
few exceptions the contents are most readable. In the illustration to
" Two of a Trade" there is some confusion. The fable speaks of a
raven and a kitten the picture exhibits a jay and a marmot.
In Chambers's the leading story is thrilling, in interest. Across
the Sands is very good, and several of thb shorter articles will be
read with pleasure.
The St. James's continues The Mysterious Island," which is
plentifully illustrated. Mtr. S. R; Townshend Mayer gives a life-like
picture of the relations of Leigh Hunt and poor Haydon.
The indefatigable Messrs. Cook have not thought of resting and
being thankful because their new and commodious building at Ludgate
Circus gives facility to their' operations. They are issuing, a series of
Tourists' Handbooks, of which those to Holland, Belgium, and the
Rhine," and to Switzerland," the model republic, have already
appeared. They will be invaluable to the traveller, and can scarcely
be growled at by that genial Saturday Reviewer, who murmured the
other day because "Cook's tourists" did not leave him the monopoly
of Continental travel
Peccavimus, we attributed to the wrong publishers the illustrated
Out of the Hurly Burly, the edition being that of Messrs. Ward, Lock,
ral district) :-" DAR ME! MaRS. SCRUBB, YOUR BOY SEEMS TO WANT
, HES A-GETTINGOIT, AIN'T HE?"
and Tyler. The mistake is complimentary to the book, for we
laughed over it so, that directly we had finished it, a knowing friend
borrowed it, before we had time to write our review.
A LiA MARTIAL.
FUGITIVE Time! you well may run;
Considering how many crimes you've done.
You've stolen my childhood's corduroys,
My youth, my peace, my hopes, my joys.
You've stolen my teeth, my sight, my hair-
Yet never robbed me of a care!
Dispatch, I Say !"
THE proprietor of the Brighton Times advertises for an apprentice
to newspaper reporting." This, though a perfectly novel proceeding,
seems quite justifiable, for had the reporters and editor of a weekly
contemporary but served their times to the business of journalism,
they would never have produced the following :-
Yesterday morning, Mr. Pierce, aged 42, of Willow-walk Sydenham, was
attended at Guy's Hospital. The deceased had been in ill-health for some time
past, and on Friday attempted to commit suicide by cutting his throat with a
razor. He remains in the hospital in a very precarious condition.
The deceased," though Dispatched, was, it would appear from the
conclusion, not yet dead. The next time Mr. Pierce wishes to cut
throats, he might make his effort on the brilliant paragraphists referred
to, though if their skins are as tough as their heads are thick he would
have small chance. But he'sweloome to try.
A Fresh Arrival.
IT is stated that a;" Canadian team, twenty-two in number, has just
arrived at Liverpool." This. must be rather a blow to the Four-in-
Hand and Coaching Clubs, the members of which will have to take
back seats when driving if they want to- keep up their prestige.
To, Sporting Tyros.
NEVER buy a breech-loader from a pawnbroker, it can be no better
than a pop-gun.
[JULY 11, 1874.
ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE PEOPLE.
OPETtA STALLS IN THE WEST.
MELODRAMA AT THE EAsT END.
CRICKET AT "LoRn's "-A FAIn AUInENCE.-
DOUBT AND DECISION. Something I took to eat or drink
MDOUBT AND DECISION. ade such a hash of my brains, I think.
MY mind is dubious, dreary, dark- Well, no matter. I've made my mind up.
Not a glimpse of day, not a sunbeam spark. Open the window and pull the blind up.
No making it up to confront a question
Most for want of a mere suggestion.
All is mystery, all is gloom; Not a Conundrum.
The organ of thought is a darkened room. Ax advertisement says, Wanted, a good Cook." Why doesn't the
The window down and the blind pulled closely, advertiser send to Ludgate.circus, where one of the very best is always
And somewhere a figure that broods morosely. to be found ?
Got it at last! By Jove, what fun!-
Clear as the noonday; clear as the sun. Per-wraps.
What was I dreaming about, I wonder;- IT is an insult to present ladies with muffs or gloves, as, by so doing,
What wild fit was I labouring under? you give them raps over the knuckles.
JVLY 11, 1874.]
AN ATHLETIC CONSIDERATION.
IT may not be amiss just now when the attention of every true-born
Englishman worthy of the name is directed to the cricket bat, the
running match, or to something else connected in some way or other
with the pursuit of athletics-it may not be amiss, I say, for me to
dispel a few of the illusions so current with regard to sport in general
and amateur athletics in particular. In the first place it must be
remembered that ar professional and an amateur are very different
specimens of- hte~anity, and that what in the latter's but a choleric
word-is:ini.the fthffer' oft flat burglary. A due regard to this prin-
ciple ill .:.t.i .te many difficulties in the consideration of the relative
merits of: the two kinds of athletes, and eventually lead the gentle
reader th the conclusion that blessed was the man who first invented
To the invention of running must be ascribed the growth and
advance of the great athletic system which has within the past few
years made itself-so manifest among usi If anyone, no matter howr
sceptical, will take the trouble to sit down and just think, he will
arrive at the evident-conclusion that without running, several of the
loftiest phases of-athletics must fall-to the gt6&ad, True, there would
be the attive- and energetic pursuit of thinking to which I have just
referred:,-but people get tired of that very soon; and there would also
be the practices of eating and drinking; but since a philosopher dis-
covered that eating destroys the appetite, and drinking casts a
dampness on the coats of the stomach, neither can be considered3
health-giving, like the sanitary game of cricket or the invigorating
pastime of pedestrianism. Therefore, to the inventor of running we
must give all honour, and if he was only known, the most substantial
proof of a nation's gratitude would be to introduce him to. another
great though more modern invention than his own-that of running-
in. But, alas! we know him not, and so I lay aside my pen to take a
silent weep and think how true it is that the world knows nothing of
its greatest men. t
Running away was most probably the first use to which pedes-
trianism was put. This is evident upon close and careful consideration,
for even if the pursuers did run, they must have run after. This
is, however, so abstruse and subtle a consideration, such a dis-
tinction, with so occult a difference, that I will pass on to the
demands of modem days, and give attention to the peculiarities which
are at the present time obtervAble; These peculiarities iAf deserving
of consideration-for:manayrea'enej(-net only because thet winner of a
footrace nearly always, if not quite, comes in first; but because every-
thing being equal the winner is supposed to be the best man. If this
is not sufficient proof that there is a deep philosophy about footracing,
the gentle reader must be a gentle idiot as well, or there can after all
be no philosophy about anything that is difficult to understand. That
all this is difficult to understand I grant, but that's not my fault, for
what's the good of being connected with the Press if one cannot make
things a little harder to comprehend than they were before ? You
will observe that I study the Telegraph, and have at last found out the
secret of its success. [Bosh, why I discovered it years ago.-ED.]
The chief difference between amateur and professional athletics,
whether with or without pedestrianism, is rather strange and
apparently contradictory. The professional is so called because he
practices, while the amateur gets his title because his chief. merit lies
in his professions alone. I have remarked with or' without pedes-
trianismeadvisediy, bdcaWse great as is the power of running as an aid
to athletics there are means of avoiding hard work where necessaryy.
For instance men don't run much when they're rowing, though it is
advisabl-e f6r those who like to take a full share of' exercise to have'
a boat big enough to allow of their doing so if they like. Or-if they
prefer the smaller' size they can get out and tow, thereby combining
the aquatic with the athletic,. the riverain with the rural,-the ever-
I have felt myself compelled to make these few fleeting remarks on
the rise and progress of athletics, not only because these sports are
essentially popular throughout the length and breadth of',the country
just now and- are likely to.remain so, but because there seems to be an
ignorance much to be deplored as to the difference between. one game
and another, as well as between the exponents of professionalism and
amateurism. I ask for no thanks for what I have done, I regard it as
simply my duty to cast illumination around, to throw a scintillation
of sense in the path'wayS'of perversity and prejudice; and in the-hope
that somebody will neow understand all about it, I beg to subscribe my-
self the reader's mest'obedient servant, AUGSPTR.
P.S -In my next, I shall return' to the evergreen and never
sufficiently exploited subjet-eof horse-racing, which I beg to remark,
and my reasons are plain,-is likely to prove remunerative to all who
follow my gallopers at Goodwood. So loosen the money in your
pockets; my noble'sportsmen, for I' mean to have cash in advance this
time and no error. Gratitude after an event is a poor string to depend
on, as even the editor of this paper will admit.
THE REAL B;EA- FASrT (after a drought t).-A Copious Rainfall.
OH this weatderf! oh this weather!
It will sudlatdriv'1smee mad.
If my lungv'were eamde oftlather-
Which they're nbt-it would be bad.
As it is I feel quite dizzy,
For I'm scorched atevery pore;
And if I were not so busy
There'd be time to feel quite sore.
As I write I feel it changing,
And now comes the cool north wind;
As I write' I hear it'ranging
Rounfto Eaistrly, dost mind!
Sort and east'and all between them
lkt& I'with a hate intense;
Have-yotu ever, ever seen them ?-
Stop; I don't think that's quite sense.
WNen I feel in proper feather
I'm both sensible and gay ;
B14i who'seensible this weather,
With itschfages every day ?
A P Iamr ot; aditlladmit it,
And if yo6uktbkt do the same,
On-the weather'clerk we'd fit it
And wsed spbil4his little game.
SaTrswotnf, July 4;
"'S ift Swift, I sKi"l'
SiGaOBR6tr-Mad'hitherto been known only as a'god ti ger. He is
likely to.have other fama if he means what he says in an advertise-
ment, whiet h i'thus,. It is in the Times, so it must be true :-.
QIGNOR FOLpEt lo announce his REMOVAL of RESIDENCE to No. 19,
K Hanover-strt)'-' itl -I-street.
Unfortunatblt -'li doesn't say where from, or at what time, or we
would have a special descriptive reporter or two present to chronicle a
performance unequalled since the days of Gulliver.
WE notice that a second-hand footman requires a situation. To those
who have clever yet ventured on the spick and span new article, this
must be an opportunity not to be too lightly estimated, especially as
the livery is doubtless to match.
A diavd Assertion.
SAYs the Globe, Marshal Concha's last words were, I die in the
van of the army.'" The editor in his comical way seems to think this
is a joke, because -the marshal was not at the time near the ambulance
conveyances. Still, the chief of the penny comics must be allowed its
little jest, even-under the'gravest circumstances.
3lsfzm- t0 Cz0nzs autnIxS0
E [ W cannot return usiadepted MSS. or Sketlches, ssw they are accem.
panied by a stamped 'and directed envelope; and sLa' ,o ,t hold ouraselves
, responsible for loss.]
W. L.-%We probably received the paper, and you had probably not
marked the passage. Life is too short and we are too busy to hunt from
title page to last advertisement in every paper sent us.
W. (BRamsgate).--ifch'obliged; but we have seen all those jokes in
H. C. (Chelsea).-Our rule is a stamped and directed envelope."
Signatures are not always legible to strangers, whereas a man ought to
know his own name.
MARIE.-We' cannot take up a private grievance, .as you will see on
reflection.' '.- "' -,
ENc mnER:-We don't know the origin of the proverb in question
You may be surprised to learn that we don't know everything. That is
the reason why we decline-to answer questions of this kind.c
R. T.-Thank you.
CHARLES FLEMYNG RANDLEY.-You know nothing about it, and should
not write rude letters
Declined with thanks:-W. W. J., Streatham; M., Barthelomew-lane;
B., Bromley; C., Salisbury-square; F., Woolwich; Wallaby ; B., Portland-
place; P., Seething-lano", OnC of the Authors; W. L., Brompton; W.;
0., Farnborough; Tattooed, Brighton; G., Queen-square ; H. S., Liver-
pool; (signature illegible) S6uth Norwood; A., Goodman's-fields; T.,
Camden- Town; M. W. H.; H. F., Strand ; W. H. S.; S., Cheltenham; N.
G., Peckbam; R. M ; T., Islington; F. R. S.; Octopus; B., Liverpool;
Anxious; G. M., Camberwell.
24 FJUNY 11~ 1874.
ran of Experience :-" How SHALWE FIND THE STREAM, MAY! WE SHALL FIND IT LIKE FRIENDS AND SWEETHEARTS-BBEAUTIFUL AND
EASY TO GO WITH-BUT VERY HARD TO GO AGAINST."
THE1: BARD'S LEGACY.
WtEN I've indited the last of my oddities,
Bidding adieu to the children of men,
Somebody searching amongst my commodities
Haply may find this identical pen.
Send it, oh stranger, to Browning or Tennyson-
Also the wish that I breathed as my last;-
Bid him accept it and with it my benison;
So let its future atone for its past.
Take, too, the pipe that I painted in Maryland,
Friend of a morning and friend of a night;
Feeding my fancy on Fame and on Fairyland,
Lulling my brains in its cloudy delight.
Germany owns, in her great universities,
Sons of tobacco more worthy than I;
Scores who can tell what a blessing and curse it is.
Mine shall be Germany's pipe when I die.
Close to my heart, with your other discoveries
Stranger, you'll meet with a ringlet of gold.
(Pardon the weakness ;-you know that a lover is
Mad when he's youthful and worse when he's old.)
If the first owner seemed loth to abandon it
More so the present possessor would be.
Stranger, take warning, and lay not a hand on it,
Even when Death lays a hand upon me.
A Modest Request.1
WE cut this from the columns of the Daily Telegraph:-
A YOUNG LADY wishes to BORROW 10 or 12 immediately. Good security.
Or would give board and lodging in her house at the seaside to a gentleman
for the accommodation.-B. M., -
There is, we admit, nothing funny in this, quite the reverse, for the
subject is a very serious one. We merely insert the foregoing adver-
tisement for the purpose of showing that there is still something for
the wise M.P.'s who stopped betting advertisements to do. If they
could only find out how much extra is charged for proposals of this
kind it would be something.
Now Ready, the Twenty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUTN, being
The NINETEENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, ls. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
"WEA R-RESIS TING" FA BRIC8, FOR
GENTLEMEN'S, BOYS', AND YOUTHS' CLOTHING.
TO MEASURE OR READY MADE.
"C" CLASS. "D" CLASS. READY MA Suit for a Boy 4 feet in height.
Coat ... ... 1 6 0 Cat ... ... 1 SAM II T E "" CLASS. "D CLASS
Waistcoat 0 8 0 Waistcoat 0 8 6 SAMUEL BROTHERS
Trousers 016 0 Trousers 0 17 6 25s. 30s. 6d.
Suit 210 0 Suit 219 6 50, Ludgate Hill. Prices ascending or descending according
---- LONDON, E.C to size. Patterns free.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcen'x Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 11, 1874.
JULY 18, 1874.]
LEMONADE OR WHISKY.
WmIsxy's a lassie so buxom and fair,
Filling a fellow with fancies,
Setting a-tingle the roots of his hair,
Making his feet sigh for dances,
Whisky's a beautiful-beautiful maid,
And very much fairer than pale Lemonade.
Pale Lemonade is a spinster that's sour,
Fills one with solemn reflection.
Sit in her company hour after hour,
Fancy lies still in subjection:-
Not so with that lassie so bonny and frisky,
She's lively as beautiful-beautiful Whisky.
Which shall I choose? There's the question at
Whisky the charmer that makes the heart rapid,
Or pale Lemonade, never stealing one's strength,
Safe but not lovely, not lively but vapid.
Where I must choose, I can see, I'm afraid,-
Come to my arms then, thou pale Lemonade !
Whisky, my dear, you take note of my craving's
Fate, not affection, my constancy varies-
But, when one's liver gets just like a paving stone-
When one grows yellow as Norwich canaries-
Well, don't you see, the attachment grows risky,
So, then, farewell to thee, beautiful Whisky !
Pale Lemonade, I can't love, I respect you-
You will be kind to me, dutiful, placid.
I shall be grateful, which will not affect you,
You will infuse me with gentle sub-acid.
Whisky, once more to my lips be conveyed-
There-one last kiss! Now then, pale Lemonade!
The Head and Front of my Offending.
A RELIGIOUs journal speaks of an accredited rumour
about "A congress of crowned heads to come off
shortly." How awful It seems that Rochefort and
his companions did not escape from Noumea for nothing.
Crowned heads are to come off shortly! In this present
race of mankind they will lose by a short neck!
AT the St. James's Theatre Mademoiselle Agar with her company
from the Franoais and Od6on met with a very hearty reception, which
however was no more then was deserved. So enthusiastic was the
reception indeed that the principal actress was thrice recalled. The
performance was indeed very fine, and the delivery of the sonorous
French verse admirable. Racine's Les Plaideurs, and Corneille's
Horace are pieces which we should take our young people to see, for
when, given as they are by artists from the Frangais, they are a liberal
education in French.
So Mr. Donne really retires at last, and the papers are wondering
who is to succeed him. Well, if you were to pick out the first man
you met in the street, you could not get one who would do the work
worse. He goes away, as it is, too late, and carries with him the brand
of a dramatic Cain, for he has murdered French Plays-at least he has
done his best to murder them. Messrs. Valnay and Pitron have just
issued a manly and candid appeal for help from the public, to enable
them to carry on an undertaking which is the subsistence of fifty
families of artists and employs. We earnestly urge the public to
answer generously, not only because the French plays have been a
school for our stage and for audiences, but because these two spirited
gentlemen have suffered mainly through the cruel blundering of our
Lord Chamberlain's office, which has compelled them again and again
to sacrifice engagements with celebrated artistes. That we have now
several French companies playing in London is due to the popularity
which the ceaseless efforts of Messrs. Valnay and Pitron have achieved
for the French stage in London. And the worst of it is, that like all
advanced guards, they suffer, that those who follow them may triumph.
If only for the injustice he has thus inflicted, Mr. Donne should be
relegated (without the choice of retirement) to the obscurity from which
only a freak of fortune could have raised him, and to grace which he
carries the disapproval and scorn of all who despise and hate grand-
We repeat emphatically that Messrs. Valnay and Pitron deserve
every consideration and the warmest support.
HOT AND COLD.
THIS climate Britannic
Seems subject to panic-
Last month it was wintry in weather-
But now it has got
So uncommonly hot
That our brains all seem broiling together-
Such changes terrific
Of course are morbific-
If it only were constantly tropical-
We'd lie on our backs
'Neath a sky blue as flax,
And indulge in a dream philanthropical-
When you don't care to walk
It's so pleasant to talk
Of high missions and christian endeavour-
To your poor fellow-men
To be useful-just when
You're rather more lazy than ever-
The Wrong Box.
A YvosNo lady of New York is said to have committed suicide by
thrusting her faithless lover's letters down her throat till she was suf-
focated. Let us hope they were written on foreign letter paper, as
ordinary note is somewhat angular and scrapy. Still, if she had not
so easily swallowed his words before, there would have been no need
for this conversion of her mouth into a letter-box.
23o F U T. [JvUL 18, 1874.
.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, JTly 15, 1874. THE MIRACULOUS MERCHANT.
THE extraordinary event which I am about to relate occurred at
NOT THE RIGHT PULL. LeamingtonSpa. Leamington, as everybody knows who has recently
been told, is in Warwickshire, and is famous for Ameris ans, and
At pulling the trigger corresponding prices for things. There are so many Americans in
Is Dizzy. Leamington that 'the little children have not room in the principal
You'd fancy he's best street for a quiet game of marbles, and the mad dogs have considerable
You'd fancy he s best difficulty in circulating through the town. In riding a bicycle you
And can lick all the rest will run over as many Americans as babies-more, probably, for
When busy. several of the babies will be American babies; you can identify them
But trust him a trifle by the nasal twang of the short sharp cry with which they give up
And lend him a rifle the ghost beneath your wheels. Most ef these singular people, I
And then believe, stop at the Regent's Hotel; I don't know this, but 1 have
The butts more benighted twice been charged a shilling at that house for a drink of brandy that
Impostor ne'er sighted had not vet attained to full growth; so I fancy 1 am correct in my
Than Ben. surmise. _Ex pede .Uerculem-though I draw my inference from the
price of the heel-tap, not its size, for it hadn't any to speak of. But
Grandmotherly ruling away with mournful retrospection and unavailing regrets! Let the
Is scarce worse than fooling dead past cremate its dead.
Like Dizzy's. The nationality of Leamington's population, however, has very
Right and left of the mark little to do with my narrative, which I flatter myself would be quite
re Each shot for a lark as true if I told of a Tartar or a Finnish town. Indeed I have been
Just whizzes! assured by an American gentleman that the astonishing occurrence
which I am upon the point of relating is a mere every-day affair in
For statecraft, and right, his own country; though that would seem rather to strengthen the
And Englandos old might supposition that it is somehow dependent on the prevalence of the
Heo penny Yankee element in the local atmosphere, though oxygen may be well
He cares, while he's able enough in its way. 1 however, it has been well said by the author of
To stand at the table Philosophical Proverbiage," that a penny go of fact is better than
oes Benny. your own jug full of speculation ; and I cannot do better than pitch
But he'll screw up his eyes into needy ass Reecce, as a classical friend of mine is always saying,
And try to look wise though who Reece is I do not know.
In phiz, It is well known that the Americans who come to Leamington
Though he's verging quite half always urge in extenuation a desire to visit Kenilworth Castle and
The time on a laugh Shakespeare's house in Stratford-on-Avon. Nothing, they say, would
Is Diz. induce them -to leave England without seeing these sacred spots.
o-- This is bully talk, but I have a little yarn that I guess will fix 'em
THE body of the missing clergyman, the Rev. Mr. Marriott, iesa piaen. It is necessary, too, to my main story.
been found at the foot of a precipice in the evngadine. Of course, these I was standing, the other day, in a stationer's shop in Leamington,
unfortunate man fell over while doing the Alps." All his valuables trying every way I knew to convince the stupid salesman that 1 was
were found on him untouched, as might have been expected, although me from tenpence to something like its fair value. I was willing to
people who do not know the Swiss supposed he had been murdered for me from tenpence tonemething l ik e it s fair value. I was willing to
plunder by the shepherds, one of whom by the way found the pay sixpence as atonement for having once sighted the coast of
remains. Wby then will this wicked idiocy be checked way found There are Massachusetts from the deck of a steamer bound from Halifax. Nova
plenty of safe ways of getting healthy exercise, without this mountain- Scotia, to Havana. Presently a couple of unmistakable New Yorkers
n.aling, which is. we believe, less popular because of that vaunted bounced in and commenced turning over the leaves of an album con-
'spice of danger" than because of the vanity of trying to go higher gaining photographic views of local scenery. Pretty soon one of them
than anyone else. Oh, that these climbers could but tell, as they strut exclaimed with evident astonishment:-
about with their knapsacks and alpenstocks, the contempt-with which By thunder, Bob; look here, will you! 'Kenlworth Castle-
the Swiss look upon "the monkeys" We wish the Federal Council from the meadows.' Do you believe it ?"pro-
would step in and forbid what, when it is not folly, is crime. To His companion scrutinized the picture for several moments in pro-
gratify his petty vanity a young noodle (or an old one) risks his life, found silence then replied:
n rah "Believe it ? Well, it's tough, but the camera won't lie, I suppose.
of his wife and family, if married, and the chance of a stigma on mean But, darn my eyes, what a swindle! Why, they haven't begun to
of his wife and family, if aed and the chance of a stigma on an l e d he l an all u e
honest peasantry, to say nothing of the lives of the guides. The only build yet! nd they can't lay a stone till all that rubbish is cleared
person we can conceive who has any motive to go scrambling up away I knew the thing was knocked into chicken fixin's two or
peaks and glaciers, is our friend the Saturday Reviewer, who three hundred years ago, but supposed she was all right by this time.
is sick of life because he has to share the Continent with Cook's In New York we'd have run her up in six months."
tourists and other travellers. Let him go up Matterhorn after Matter- "And put a French roof on her," added the other, pensively,
horn if he likes. We don't suppose anyone would care to call him resuming the turning of the leaves. His attention was soon arrested
down again. by something else.
.n J "Shakespeare's Birthplace, Stratford-on-Avon," he read. See
here, Bob, what do you think of that ?"
orns of Plenty. Bob looked. He looked long and carefully. Young lady," he
WE take the following from a bovine journal:- called out, turning toward one of the shopgirls, is this the house in
The sale of Mr. Levey's shorthorns took place, on Thursday, at Wateringbury. which the immortal Shakespeare was born
The following is a summary of the sale :-28 cows-realised 8,001, showing an Yes, sir, she replied, very politely.
average of 285 15s. each; 13 bulls produced 1,094, 2s., or an average of up- That streak thing that looks like it bad had the laths and
wards of 84 each. The total sum for the total sum for the 41 animals was 9,095 2s., the average plastering knocked away, and then been turned inside out ?"
er head being 2t9 16s. t s d. I don't know about that, sir, but that's the house. "
We are authorized to state that the sale of Levitical shorthorns" "Jim," said he, turning to his companion, with the most rueful
included neither Mr. J. C. Levey's celebrated cornet-'.piston, nor the countenance I ever saw, "we're sold; let's get out of this! There's a
remarkable penny trumpet exalted daily at 135, Fleet-street, E.C. train for London this afternoon. But, I say,-if yoe won't write
home anything about this I won't."
~"CuttinIn Chicago," said Jim, thoughtfully, as they passed into the
Srf Cutting.e street, "they'd bust it up with gunpowder."
THIS is cool and refreshing this sultry weather: Having now cleared the way to a full and perfect understanding of
Wo HAIR DRESSERS.-WilI anyone RECOMHEND a Christian YouXO MAs for the subject, I am prepared to present to the reader, with all necessary
the shaving and hair-cutting business.-" G. B." etc. amplification and particularity, the amazing tale which it is the
This Christian wants somebody-which means anybody who does not purpose of this article to relate.
know anything of his qualifications-to recommend him to some con- Ilany and many years ago there lived in Leamington a worthy
finding barber as an able assistant. There is much of the wisdom of tradesman whom neither the natives could incite to predatory ways
the serpent in this young Christian shaver! nor the prodigality of travelling fools corrupt.
AN IDYLL FOR TIHE DOG DAYS.
SUMMER'S not the time for writing,
If for writing you must think.
Sea and air are too inviting
When compared with pen and ink!
Time in winter there is plenty
We may write in-if we must-
Now the dolce far niente "
Leaves our pens to rest and rust.
Weuld you have us seek ideas
In an idly dreaming brain ?
This hot weather it would be as
Disagreeable as vain.
Living now is worth the trouble
Only for its own sweet-sake!
And we wish our Being double,
Double pleasantness to make.
For there comes a dreamy longing
To such summer reverie-
And a host of fancies thronging
Ask, Why is she not with thee ? "
And I answer, I've no rental;
Rhymes, not cheques, flow from my ink!"
But I'm getting sentimental,
So, 'tis time to_'stop, I think.
MEN OF THE TIME.
As it has been so often and so justly remarked that a true record of
the appearances, manners, and customs of the leading literary -men
and artists of the present day would be much admired, we have at last
determined on trying to supply the demand, and as a first instalment
present the following to our readers. Hitherto, biographers of
important persons have been content to state their ages and the dates
ofworks produced by them, and nothing like portraiture has been
attempted. Now, the sort of thing wanted, we think, is this:-
The celebrated author of Cribcraoking made Easy; or, a Maiden
March to the Model Prison," is, strange as it may seem to those who
know him only through his works, one of the mildest of men. He is
extremely kind-hearted, and his weight when in good writing condition
is exactly seven stone two. He rises early in the morning, and the
first meal he takes is breakfast. When matters are flourishing he
has chops ,and steaks, eggs and ham, tea and coffee, turtle soup,
goose and champagne, cod's head and shoulders, truffles, spiced beef,
pig's chitlings and all the other luxuries of a fashionable deljeuner ;
but such is the happiness of his nature and the unfastidiousness of his
appetite, that he .has been known-and very often too-to partake
heartily of soldiers and coalheavers' wine, and to his praise-be it' said,
he has never yet repined under the most adverse circumstances. The
author of" Criberacking" has, in a moment .of anger, -been known
to expresa-a wish for a fellow-creature's blood, but such is the geniality
of his nature, that: on the offending person's approach he has at once
forgotten his anger, has broken into a ripple of smiles, and has never
even as much as shown either the scorn or the contempt he had just
been so strongly expressing. In height, the subject of our memoir is
4ft. 3in., and he is broad in proportion. He has a fine flowing beard
and an eyeglass to match, is an affectionate father and a cheerful
Differing in appearance very materially is Mr. Macfitzoflaherty
Clanferguson, the celebrated London correspondent of the Hibernian
Slasher. He is tall and gaunt, of a hungry appearance, with a wide
mouth, thin lips, and a power of suction unrivalled even among
Irishmen resident in London. He is a marvellous man, for his articles
in the Slasher are full of club gossip and fashionable intelligence,
while the only club we have ever seen him in is that held at the
Saveloy and Baked Potato Can in the neighbourhood of Drury Lane.
True genius will assert itself though, and with a halfpenny sheet of
paper and the loan of a pen and ink he can raise up pictures which
would astonish the Countess of 'Bulgruddery and the rest of the
fashionable world very much, we can assure you. But as it is our wish
to be true and exact we are bound to state that Mac makes mistakes
now and again. He was wrong in stating that a cold collation of
saveloys, faggots, cow-heel, and whelks was -the staple feature at a
fashionable reception. Still, as he himself says, such a repast is good
enough for him, and so it ought to be true, if it isn't. A peculiar
feature of Mac's letters to the Slasher is the marvellous way in which
he carves the London press about, as well as the patriotic feeling he
exhibits for his fellow countrymen. To him there is no artist like
Boozer of Ballybooly, who always gets the skeleton into his figures,
no journalist like himself, and no litterateur like O'Whiskey of
Kinahanshire, whose book was so unfairly reviewed by the horrid
Saxon" last season. Mac is probably advanced in his notions,
but, as he says himself, what's the good of being clever if you don't
show it ? We're clever enough not to show our ignorance, and so
decline to answer the question.
Boozer, the artist to whom we have just referred, is next worthy
of attention. He is noted among his friends for two things--the
accuracy of his anatomy and the length of time he can wear ona shirt.
Like -his compatriot Mac, he is a staunch believer in the support given
to the London prese by the Milesian contingent, and both go to bed
every night-that is, every night they have a bed to goto-with a
firm belief that the only caricaturist is Boozer and the only comic
writer is Mac. We cordially endorse this, as may be judged by our
placing them in our list, and if they would only wash themselves a
little..oftener, and try a change of linen, say once in every six months,
they might yet show to the advantage they so well deserve. But our
task is-not with M., but .with B. He is of the middle height, and can
twirl a shillelagh or twist a toddy with any man in the three
kingdoms. He has a benevolent appearance and a soft- blue eye.
Long may he wave.
We shall conclude this series with a notice of Johnson. J. knows he
is a sporting writer, and thinks he is an epigrammatist. When Lord
Chucklehead, who went a cropper in the great plunging year, said to
him, one day in chaff, "Ah, Johnson, dessay you think you can write,
eh ? J. replied, Not well enough to put your lordship's name in
my book ;" an answer which, though it caused the Jockey Club to rise
in immediate fury and warn him off Newmarket Heath for ever, made
his name and fame as the prince of sporto-comic writers. [Always
excepting Augspur-fair play's a jewel-En.] It was Johnson also
who made the famous answer to the teetotal wood-engraver who
tried to persuade him from having another drink. You," said
Johnssn, "you are a hewer of wood and a drinker of water;" a remark
which flabbergasted the engraver, and is quite enough for us till
THE END OF THE SEASON.
How very fast the moments run,
Old Time is such a rover:-
The season scarcely seems begun-
And yet it's nearly over.
Fate to one endless chase oozdemns
The dwellers on this planet.
To-morrow some will start for.Ems,
And some will go to Thanet.
It's rather hot in Paris now;
But Calais would be pleasant,
And Aix and Spa are just, I .vow,
In glory at this present.
Or Trouville, Biarritz, you can. ti y-
Ostend, so famed for rabbits;
Or you to Scarborough can fly,
It you have English habits.
Where's my portmanteau, pack.mes nippes,
Just hand me my sou'wester,
I'll take a little healthful trip,
And fly from toil and pester.
Go !-when decided on the step-
Don't stand upon the ordo."
I'll just run over to Dieppe!
What boat to-night ? The .Bordeaux !
ToE Endowed Schools Commissioners have issued a new scheme for
Dulwich College, but it pleases the authorities no better than the last
one; that is to say, it wishes to retain part of the legacy for those for
whom the whole was intended. This of course does not satisfy the
ambition of masters or the pride of parents, whose whole and sole
desire is to turn God's Gift" into a s.rt of twopenny Eton!
Race or Rank.
WE observe that Mr. W. P. Warner, long and popularly known as
the proprietor of the Welsh Harp, at Hendon, has been fined ten
pounds and costs for having on his grounds "a race-course where
betting could be carried on." This prosecution is brought under an
Act which allows anyone to lay the information. Will some public-
spirited individual carry out the Act to its bitter end, in order that we
may see how a Parliament which adjourns for the Derby will look
when the Messrs. Dorling are prosecuted for the Epsom course; how
the Ministry will look when one of its members, the Duke of
Richmond, is called to answer for Goodwood; and how the Royal
Family, whose procession along the course is one of the features of
Ascot, will approve of its lessees being fined ?
JULY 18, 1874.]
28 FUN. [ULY O18, 1874.
THE "ECCENTRICITIES" OF GENIUS (I)
There was too much employment for the intellect, and the minds of men were overworked.
Therefore the Dramatic Talent of the time meditated a
scheme of PERFECT REPOSE for the BEAls.
" I will lay aside my brain (he said) and compose concatenated bathos.
" And actors shall lay aside theirs and learn it. "And the Play-going Public shall lay aside theirs and laugh at it."
Which proves there is some usefulness in everything,-even hopeless drivel.
IT is a pleasant change at times to hear a Bishop talking nonsense,
as the Bishop of Lincoln did in his anti-Cremation sermon at West-
minster Abbey. He spoke of the glorious Roman tombs- apparently
forgetting that urns and not bodies were deposited in them! Then he
defended the practice of burials in the Abbey and St. Paul's as pro-
ductive of the greatest public good. But those buildings could contain
many more urns than coffins, and therefore more records of genius,
knowledge, art, and skill." Then he argued that the widespread
licentiousness and immorality in all the great capitals of the world
would be increased by cremation-a non sequitur of the most comic
kind. But the funniest touch of all was that though he was horrified
at the idea of scattering human ashes over land as a fertilising agent,
he did not disapprove of trees and shrubs being planted in cemeteries
to absorb the gases and fatten on the corpses! He reminds us of the
churchwarden who received the Bishop of Exeter in the absence of the
vicar who, having heard of His Grace's intention to inspect the
irregular parish, made himself scarce for a while. There," said the
worthy farmer when the bishop complained of the neglected state of
the churchyard, don't'ee worry 'bout that. Pa'ason's goin' to put it
down to taties next week! "
'* Doth not a Meeting like this"-
A WEEKLY contemporary observed-
The Marquis and Marebioness of Salisbury's entertainment at Hatfield House,
Herts, on July 11, is to meet the Prince and Princess of Wales.
We suppose the entertainment will meet their Royal Highnesses at
the station. It is clearly a moveable feast.
ADVICE TO TOURISTS IN THE SISTER IsLE.-Beware of the Bull.
1FJUN.-JULY 18, 1874.
Mrs. B.:-" BEN, YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED
AND YOU HAVEN'T SCORED A SINGLE HIT! YOU
OF YOURSELF. IT'S NEARLY THE END OF THE MEETING
JuLY 18, 1974.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 381.
THE best French actors and French plays
They placed upon the boards
Our knowledge and our taste to raise-
And what their toil rewards ?
The staff of the Lord Chamberlain,
Or imbecile or cracked,
Refuse again and yet again
The plays that they would act.
1. The cobbler sat in his little shop,
He mended the sole, and he mended the top,
Till he had translated each worn-out shoe
Into another, that seemed to be new.
2. A waltz Away we bound
And scarcely touch the ground
While whirling round and round
Faster and ever faster.
The music's written, 'twill be found
By this Italian master.
3. Such Cymon was, when, clownishly afraid,
He watched the slumbers of the lovely maid.
4. The humble bee is as light as a fiddle-
How did it happen ? pray solve me the riddle !
From the lily's cup by the river's brim
He has taken more than was good for him.
5. I, at the Zoo, upon the green,
The hog-in-armour oft have seen.
6. When the Moorish hand is on the hilt
Of this old-fashioned blade,
That there will someone's blood be spilt
I'm very much afraid.
SOnUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 379.-Rains, Storm:-
Russ, Artist, lo, Natator, Sham.
' CORRECT SOLUTIONB or AcROSTIC No. 379, received 8th July.
-Alvyna M.; Tobias.
A PRoVINCIAL paper states that a girl at Bristol has
accomplished the "feat" (neatly put) of walking one
thousand miles in one thousand successive hours. How
many husbands' bosoms would swell with pride to see
their wives accomplish even a moiety of that task-in a
MILD AND BITTER.
Mild Porter :-" TAKING A GOOD LOT IN EXCESS HERE, MUM."
Bitter Lady :-" EXCESS, INDEED !-HOW DARE YOU, SIR? I NEVER TOOK
ANYTHING THE LEAST IN EXCESS IN ALL MY LIFE ? "
IN Art, the notice of the Royal Academy gives a list of the ladies
who wield brush or chisel with effect. The photographs from Crit-
tenden's bust of Carlyle, and Smirke's Queen Elizabeth are both good,
and that of Mr. Cave Thomas's picture is wonderfully successful for
a copy of a painting. It seems to us the anatomy of the mother's
figure is very wrong.
In the Young Gentleman's, The Field of Ice is as usual the fore-
most attraction. The other papers are quite readable, though not
numerous. "Johnny Ironsides" improves.
We never base a final judgment on the first number of a periodical,
because the very attempt to make it super-excellent often leads to its
being a failure. But we fancy that Mayfair is in its design and scope
very unlike the coming magazine."
Town and Country, though it contains a trip from the Isis to the
Thames," shows no dangerous tendency to set the latter on fire. The
author of Farewell to Life" deserves immortality. He upsets a
Thames punt at Sunbury! A man who can overturn one of those
oblong trays must be a genius as well as a Hercules !
This number of The Atlantic is rich. Bret Harte's poem is in his
best style, and so is that of Joaquin Miller. The prose articles are
fully up to the standard-and the standard of a magazine that contains
no "padding is a high one. C. W. Stoddard is very amusing in
his account of a First Appearance on any Stage."
The Shotover Papers, an Oxford Miscellany, though crude, as might
be expected of beginners, is smart, and, moreover, full of high spirits-
no small recommendation. We shall be glad to see the periodical
Tinsley's is much as usual-a good deal of padding round a stout
backbone of novel.
The Mirror and The Young Folks' Weekly Budget are excellent as
ever. The former is a marvel of cheapness, and the illustrations by
" Puck in the latter are notable works of art.
The Sunday Magazine and Good Words are getting so very much
alike that they puzzle us at times to tell t'other from which. Like
Mr. Leigh's celebrated Twins," they seem to have got completely
In Once a Week? "Jack's Sister continues to attract, and the con-
tents generally are good.
The Gentleman's has a capital fishing paper, by Mr. Senior, and a
most amusing instalment of Men and Manners in Parliament."
We wish the writer would give us the scene in the House at the last
Home Rule debate!
Received:-Young Ladies' Journal; Le Follet; Westminster Papers ,
Golden Hours; Leisure Hour; Sunday at Home; Home Journal; _Fam "ly
Berald; London Society; New Monthly; Gardener's Magazine; The
Argosy; The Blue; Cook's Excursionist.
The Poet and the Police.
Ma. GwYzR, the poetic potato-salesman of Penge (he ought to sell
peas too, with that alliteration) has penned a touching lyric on the
late Police Fdte at the Crystal Palace. He sings thus:-
For Constables we ought to show
The debt of gratitude we owe :
Sometimes their lives in danger arp,
While they protect us with such care.
We could suggest another couplet to replace the two last lines:-
Sometimes they like a drop of gin,
And sometimes they will run us in.
We may add, the poet is not unpractical, but appends to his lines a
statement that a sack of the best potatoes will be forwarded to any
part of London or suburbs direct from the Farm." Like Horace on
his Sabine farm, he cultivates at once the sacred art and the floury
AMERICAN SETTLERS."-Gin Sling and Brandy Cockafia.
32 ~FUN. (JULY 18, 1874.
WIMBLEDON IS QUITE PREPARED IN WIND AND WEATHER.
HURRYING TO THE BUTTS.
Bombast. barman of an accused wine merchant said that a certain claret,
asserted by Mr. Scott and Dr. Thadicum to consist of logwood,
A CORRESPONDENT of the .Daily News, whose ancestors hailed from sulphuric acid, and fusel oil, was known as Good Templar's claret,"
Palestine, and who therefore has a claim to be considered as an from the fact of its being so much in request by members of the order.
authority, speaks of the time while Titus was bombarding Jeru- Well, it decidedly is not wine, so we presume the Templars have a
salem." We were under the impression that the first time canton right to poison themselves with the mixture, and yet their pledge not
were used in connection with a siege was at the early defence of Metz moult a feather "-not a goose feather!
-but perhaps we have got into a mess about it. At any rate if the
D. N. correspondent is correct, it seems that they knew a good many t
things, if they didn't know everything, down in Judee!" As it should be.
THE RULE oP "THE ROAD."- Subscribing to the Commercial
The Orders of Templars.
THE Good Templars, if we are to believe the Manchester Examiner's MOTTO POn LABOURERS' UNION EMIGRANTS. Praise the Arch
report of a recent adulteration trial, are certainly consistent. The that carries you safe over."
JULY S18, 1874.] F UJIJI 33
Srn,-In accordance with your remark that it would be as well for me,
if I wished to remain on this paper, to go about and find out something
interesting to write on, I have been about, and have found out lots of
things. But the fact that I was right in the course I was pursuing
remains. The things have been found out certainly, but the manner
of their treatment is still in nubibus. (That's a one-er for you
methinks.) It is useless for people to give instructions on subjects
they don't understand, and through attempting to follow your editorial
mandate, I have lost the substance and found only the shadow. And
here let me remark that shadows are slippery things, and take a deal
of holding, of which those who have only to give instructions, and who
do not have to work themselves, are presumably not aware.
In the first place I went to the Gentlemen and Players match, at
Lord's. I didn't see any lords that I knew-but then my acquaint-
ance with those articles is necessarily limited, and even those I used
to know have turned me up since I took to journalism, which is
low. Now, I could write a whole paper about cricket at Lord's, and
how from the outset I knew that the Players were at last going to
win, but you won't give me room; and what's the good of sending a
man out reporting if you won't print his reports? Why, a fellow
might just as well be on the Echo for all the influence he wields.
Anyhow, you must find room for me to say that the victory of the
Players, after their years of ill-luck and defeat, is so satisfactory, that
even their opponents can afford it, if only as another of the instances
of that true English pluck which enables men to keep on and win,
though defeat at one time seems inevitable. As with that true
eye to business for which the MI.C.C. is renowned, the prices of
admission were more than doubled on the Eton and Harrow days,
I abstained from attending. It is not good enough to pay heavily
extra to see boys whom you do not know play, simply because they
belong to public schools, while first-class exponents of cricket are left
neglected. There is something indeed snobbish in the way some
folks crowd to the Eton and Harrow match, and talk about it as if
they were compelled to be there, 'while in reality they know
nothing of the schools and still less of the game played between
Secondly, the 'Horse Show at Alexandra Park claimed my polite
attention. It would be difficult to imagine a place better fitted for an
exhibition of this kind than the northern pleasure ground-as difficult
to picture to oneself a better show of animals, from the thorough-
bred stallions down to the humble yet powerful and frisky cart-horses.
The attendance was rather limited, but the judgment was good enough
to have satisfied even Mr. T. Wilson Reid himself.
I daresay you will say all this is not funny, and that I am neglect-
ing my duty; to which I can reply, that you may send a sporting
writer to the water but you can't make him drink. That's not exactly
what I mean-but you know. [Yes, we know you can't make him
drink water.- ED.] If I have not been jokeful, it is because I have
had to do my work your way and not my own. I had intended to
describe the coming glories of Goodwood, and to have told off the
winners of the Stakes and Cup; but backers mast postpone that hap-
piness. I will now merely say that I am going to Liverpool this week,
and am assured, strange as it may seem, that Evergreens will be signi-
ficant during the meeting. Whether they are or not, Redworth should
be formidable in the principal event as well. Which will be enough
for the present. "Enough," as I once said to a man, enough is as
good as a feast." Sharp, wasn't it ? ArUGSPUR.
The Inconstant Moon.
THERE was a moonlight trip to Rosherville, and it was a success, for,
as far as the new management could control it, every arrangement was
admirably carried out. There was only one failure-there was no
moon! The Prince of Denmark did not appear in the tragedy of
Hamlet. It is believed the Clerk of the Weather forgot to fill up the
oil, and omitted to wind up the machinery. Besides the matches were
damp, or they were Bryant and May's, and he had. left the box at
WE are sorry to see that the Crystal Palace, which started with the
noble aspiration of educating the people, and which finding that task
teeoo great has at any rate given us harmless and wholesome amuse-
ment, is being lent to the uses of that degrading delusion, Spiritualism.
The medium is a Miss Fay, introduced by her father, Colonel-in
America everybody is a colonel-Fay. We have a faint recollection
of a Rev. Mr. Pay in connection with the Davenport swindle. Any
relation, we wonder ? Of course, not the same!
UNxKIND PRACTICE AT CRIOET.-" Cutting" the' bowler.
THEY speak to me of other days
And mutely suffered pain,
They move my heart in many ways
And move it not in vain.
Upon my shelf, against my wall,
I range them in a row;
And murmur Bless ye, one and all,
Dear friends of long ago "
There's not a label in the lot
But has a tale to tell;
Nor one that I remember not,
And can't remember well,
And gloomily on gloomy days
I love to sit and pore
Upon the ne'er forgotten phrase
"The mixture as before."
My own is not a healthy mind
But broods upon disease;
And nowhere could I hope to find
Companions fit as these.
One bottle brings me back a cough;
One brings me back a cold;
And one a fever warded off
By tonics manifold.
Go, call them empty if ye will;-
This philosophic brain
Can easily contrive to fill
Those bottles once again.
Those bottles fill with all the fears
And all the hopes of yore;
Till even Life itself appears
A "mixture as before."
THE -Daily Telegraph recently headed a paragraph with the words
Carriage Beggars," meaning beggars who ply their trade at carriage
doors. The epithet is not happy. It is too like the title of carri- ia
people to be flattering to the proud owners of the latter designation.
Or it might mean people who go about asking people to give th em
broughams. We never heard of anyone doing so, but nothing is im-
possible-for a beggar.
g5alis e to eaxxsitgab sm
[We cannot return unaccepted .M88. or Sketches, wiess ihey ar, arccr;,.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we 6, not hAld ouer. elv
responsible for loss.]
J. T. (Tipton).-You've tipped on the wrong horse. There is no
similarity between Conquer and Contcha," as the late General's name
is pronounced; vide Santcho Pantha."
HoPEFUL.-Lasciate ogni speranza, voi che non intrate!
J. A. (Manchester).-Time is precious and your MlS. long; but as you
plead so modestly we have read it. But it won't do, unfortunately.
BEG N Eu.-Your account of the wheelbarrow is one of the funniest
things we have read for a long time. We have read it and laughed at is
for a second time. The first time we read it was in The .Danbssry JcNwc,-
G. W.- In your poem," you say-
"Nor one hirudo make a summer."
Hirudo is a leech, hirundo a swallow. They are as different as your
heel and your throat.
WEST CouTrra.-We know nothing about him. He is not connected
with this paper.
PERIEIST.-" Love" and "grove" may rhyme in some languages. Th' y
don't in English, anyhow.
WooncuTTER.-Possibly; but who is Diabolis ?
F. R.-We do not know the author's name.
E. M. (Strand).-Sent us by half a dozen correspondents.
C. W. E.-We require the signature first as a guarantee of good faith;
second, where no nom de plume is given, that we may use the initials in
BEN.-You cannot, Ben, jam in!
Declined with thanks :-K., Whitby; Double or Quits; J. P. G..
H. J. H., Copenhagen-street; I pbertus, Glasgow; P. M.; H.. Oxford;
J. G. M., Temple; Gotanother; B. !M.; G., Brixton; Mustard Seed;
Jehu Jones, jun.; Fort George; W., St. James's-road; Inconstant: E. W.
J., Woolwich; W. R. A., Regent-street; W., Camberwell; Dick: Bun-
kum; R., Liverpdol; G., Holloway; R. T.; S., Leeds; F. B., M. H. L.;
Trumps; N., Walworth-road; Parsoonist; B. W.; Wilkins; Ole Olo';
G. P. P.; R. M., Manchester.
FJI.T4T5.(JULY 18, 1874.
r 1 0 1.,. F / "
Ill~~~ W e- i
A CLEAR DIRECTION.
1st T.urist :-" COULD YOU TELL ME HOW FAR IT IS TO WESTERHAM-CUM-BLUDOINTON F'
Old Man :-" H'M-E-uP LINE on DOWN ?"
Tourist :-" OH, I DON'T KNOW-UP LINE."
Old Man:-" H M, YES, IHA'-PAST FOOR."
DOTS AND LINES.
THE French Council of Thirty is still hard at work coming to no
conclusion. Trente et qua(r)ante Mr. Disraeli calls Home Rule
movement veiled rebellion." Isn't it unavailing rebellion ? = The
Leicester Garden was opened with great ceremony. Mr. Grant, to use
an Americanism, was on the square. = According to the account
given by the captain of the Pearl, which was sunk by an enormous
cuttle, the gigantic octopu s a combination of the cock and the bull.
= Wimbledon in full force. They butt us lots of butts. = Women
Suffrage cackle as usual. What is the use of the crowing hens ? =
Great fight of Scotch Church Patronage Bill. Patronage is a thing
that many think (k)irksome. = Signs of coming struggle in French
Assembly. MacMahon should send them all back to the country for
a little change. = Trial of the murderer in the Brussels duel in which
the accused shot the brother of the girl he had seduced. Sentence, a
year's imprisonment and forty pounds fine! They do this sort of
'tfing cheaply among les braves Belges. = The Northumberland House
Lion has retired into private life. He will not roar again. = Mr.
Stanley informs teetotal inquirers that he does not think spirits good
for African travellers. Disapproves of dram-but how. about cram?
= The .Daily Telegraph sends out an expedition to discover the source
of the Nile. Poor old Nile, it is like the sick lion in the fable. = The
Comte de Chambord has issued a manifesto. Tells the French he is
"born their king." He's a born-but after all he can't help it =
Disraeli opposes Home Rule. Case of Butt and Ben.
THESE paragraphs follow one another in a weekly contemporary: -
The value of eggs imported was 154,665; in the corresponding month last year
The importation of hams increased in the last two months to 147,756; in the
same period last year, 78,321.
No wonder that there is such a strong opposition to any relaxation of
the Game Laws, when in spite of them there is so much poaching !
Now Ready, the Twenty-sixth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The NINETEENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. Od. each.
A SE A-- SIDE SE NSATIO N. was-- "Count At imis de Sakyardo!" exclaimed the Lady Amaranth. "True too trite
B Exiled by the tras t Napoleon-my property consflsated-i became an itinerant actor. One
BY R. REEC*. day at the sea-side, when the s to sione in an immoderate fit of oplendour, w then c tile
CHAPTER III.-A RUvsrsaaosw. pastel beneath umb.haeous trees, and the brook-I forget at this moment wiat the brook did-
O D you ost perceive ?" crie. the heroiae. "'Tie a covenant I and the mo!creant, who I sw lovely teorm, an angelic rice where wasn written, In sorrowful lines, the story of a
-- would succeed to the title but for se, agrees with 'Thomas Stubbs* to give him these b. ifhtedyouth. Itwas-hal hal the Ldy Amaranth 'twas youl" "This must be deftinyl
Spossessions, lahod, tenements, qnuarries,' &a. as 'reasonable satisfaction and amends,' for muttered tie heroine. "It is it is !" cried dount Aiticus, paialonately. "1,M doom is sealed I
being the iiistrinent of my' demise,' ad that the'e s all be no molestation of im, I will restore thee to thlneown, and this fair hand-" "Oh. Count I" "Yes I swear it by
tubbs.' ort kig away the ife Ane ... only da ter of ... somebody e ... this weet- Damnation! Wat do y want here?" A trainer was looking on. and crylug
eldest sn f William .,' somebody else, and then comes 'Lady Amaranth, of Castle Costle "braro t' Per oeatiuation, oe Polios ad Fashions."
tower.' I am Lady Amiranth, and the most unfortiJnate o heroines I" Good heavens "
ejaculated the rctiir, -Il-mo.t beautiful most perecuted of your sex-I wilt relea. e s I n "A cheerful expector or tie best liah a fou.itain of j ,y sirn him," says Tapper, and a1 ur.
will restore ye I hal hat I-the outat Attiot No matter I" "Rise. y lort I" replied edly thone who expect in" PFoliosad Fa ions." a rich aind reerle litery and sartorial ban.
Lady Amaranth, wlih dignity. "Tese matters mast be reserved foe a more fitting occasion. quet, will not be disappointed Tle eolippia from Mr. Rfece's stary wnich we give above, is
At present, I w auld faii hear of is fortunes who so nobly undertakes my ransom." "Now for one of the good things with which Messrs. A. Lrnes and Son's summer volume bristles from
it" said Mr. Sam Slack to himself. "'Lisen, fair one All wm daik, the hurricane showed, beginning eild. We last week invirtes readers of *' FB" to write for the book we reiterate
the rain fel wetly, and thunder roed a menace to mankind. On a b'et'i',ng rocked by the Invitation, especially as Mer.. .4. Lnee and Son., the celebrated Merchant clothiers, wilt
te spumy waters of theToames P soodleehite eL'Eloileet.afreie. Byt the ftful lances forwardtnevolume rats ani free hby post to an.' part upon application to either of their two
of the lighting mi ght have been .een, within a do.e.romi. a h.iggard and worn form. It establiohments-Cor.eroflfotlywei Lane. Saereditcl. oriKMeiagton Howor, Ludgote Hill. Lotdon.
-Printed by JUDD & 00CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doetors' Common., and Published (for the Proprietor) at SO, Fleet Street, E.C.-London. July 18. 1874.
JvLY 25, 1874.]
THE OLD GAL TO HER GAMP.
Mid those I tell
As friends, far sweller;-
M y umberell-
Mid visions fell
It is a dweller ;-
It may my cell,
I'm not a seller;-
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty,
A New Jersey paper, telling a pathetic tale of poverty,
says, For twenty long years the wolf stood at this poor
widow's door." Our sympathy is entirely with the
wolf. If the poor widow had possessed a grain of
feeling she would have offered the patient beast a chair
after five years or so, if not sooner.
THIS is a funny story :-
On Sunday morning, during service, an owl flew into the
Wesleyan Chapel, Malton, and alighted upon the organ. The
bird, which was captured, was quite still during service, but be-
came excited when the organ was played at the close.
That bird, unlike the character in Dickens who took
" howls for horgins," clearly took the horgin for another
howl like itself.
IT has been discovered by a learned aurist that the
singing of the kettle on the hob can be best appreciated
by those only who have kettle-drums to their ears.
Tis Morning Advertiser every now and then gives us a leader of
what may be called the vertebrate order, with solutions of continuity,
that is to say, as if the thread of its argument snapt here and there,
and hadn't been pieced together again. It is the sort of leader that
might be written by a man in the waking intervals of a nap in which
links have been supplied by sleep but not committed to paper. A
recent instance is devoted to the consideration of the Flying Man,
and things in general. It Winds up by saying, dpropos of something
that turned up during slumber (for it follows a statement, profoundly
true, if slightly erratic, that a subscription for the widow would be a
more practical proceeding" than an Act of Parliament to stop
The training of young acrobats we should, we confess, liked to see stopped, as
we believe that great cruelty is often thereby inflicted upon those whom the law is
bound to protect.
This is tantamount to saying that an acrobat's business being very
difficult and requiring long training, it would be better that acrobats
should not be taught their business. Engine-driving also requires
skill and experience, and therefore according to this line of argument,
engine-drivers should not be permitted to learn their business. Again
leader-writing is a style of composition which requires exceptional
qualifications and practice. The 'Tiser seems to think the less a man
knows about it the better he does it.
Room for Improvement.
WE extract this modest notification from the TWalsall Free Press:-
TO CLERKS AND BOOK-KEEPERS
VTHE Walsall Improvement Commissioners require a JUNIOR CLERK at their
Gas Works. The Salary will be Al per week, and the appointment will be
subject to One Month's Notice.
The Hours of Attendance at the Office will be from 7 a.m to 6 p.m. from Lady-
day to Michaelmas; from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. from Michaelmas to Lady-Day, one
CONVERSATIONS OF THE ROAD.
Tram Conductor (to 'Bus ditto) :-" Go ON, TAKE IT AWAY; TAKE IT DOWN
TO THE SEASIDE AND MAKE A BATHING-MACHINE OF IT."
[The answer was lost in the distance.
hour being allowed for dinner; and from Lady-Day to Michaelmas half an hour
for breakfast also. At the end of each quarter the hours of attendance will be
To take the rate of pay before "the hours of attendance will be rather
longer," the Improvement Commissioners expect to get a clerk to
work ten or eleven hours a day for the modest sum of three-and-four-
pence-the price of the smallest form of lawyer's letter! Perhaps
these Commissioners, whose object is Improvement, might turn their
attention to the improvement of such a paltry pittance. The only
sensible part of the proposal is that only an hour and a half is allowed
for breakfast and dinner. Of course on such a princely salary the
unhappy clerk could hardly dream of the extravagance of two meals
a day !
Oh, Charity, what Crimes are Committed in
This is strange :-
The executors of the late Miss Mary Gray Ratray have, with the approval of the
Court of Chancery, forwarded 300 to the Council of the Charity Organization
Society, being part of a legacy of 23,000 left to the charities of the metropolis.
The will directed twenty-three thousand pounds to be given to charities.
The Charity Organisation Society is not a Charity. It is a body of
self-elected self-satisfied Pharisees, who take a delight in meddling
with and intercepting Charity, and harassing those who, like Miss
Stride, give their lives to the real work of help with love." To give
three hundred pounds to that society is not only to deprive real
charities of that amount, but to give it increased powers for mischief.
The executors might as well proceed to encourage the preaching of
the gospel to the heathen by sending barrels of salted missionary to
Roaming in his Kind.
IT is whispered that Mr. Whalley intends to ask the Home Secre-
tary to inquire of the trustees of the British Museum whether it is
true that the library contains the complete works of A. Pope.
[JULY 25, 1874.
FUN OFFICB, &Wedneday, July 22, 1874.
THE SIX-TAILED COMET.
BFroRE it each lesser planet pales-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails..
One fearful night
It loomed in sight.
The Government was in a fright
It cast so fierce, so strong a light
Upon the measure that it assails-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails.
The public its reappearance hails-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails.
It used to be
Adorned with three,
And which to choose could seldom see;
Bat now with doubled powers view we
How up the political sky it sails-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails.
The other planets seemed slow as snails-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails
Sent forth a stream
Of threatening gleam.
The Tories scarce knew what to deem,
And trembled for their petted scheme.
Alas, but little its force avails-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails.
Its brightness sickens, its power fails-
The Comet with half-a-dozen tails.
The Bill at last
Is carried and passed,
And amid congratulations vast,
The Tories a look of triumph cast
On the star, prophetic of future wails-
The Comet with halfe-adozen tails.
Those of us who love a dash of classic flavour will remember with
a sense of calm satisfaction the exquisite versification of the Corolla
Sabrinoc, and will therefore be the more grieved to learn that
Shrewsbury School has fallen into the sere and yellow leaf. This
seems to be the age of "the schoolmaster very much abroad"-in
fact, utterly foreign to his duties and the well-being of his school. The
Hayman scandal is scarcely at an end when we learn from the Shrews-
bury Free Press that the school of that town is in a parlous state with
an unpopular headmaster, apparently bent upon handing over its halls
to desolation. His last act has been the excessive flogging of one of the
boys for a venial offence, voluntarily confessed and apologised for by the
lad himself. We are not inclined mawkishly to object to a certain
amount of corporal punishment. While boys continue to be boys, the
power must rest in the authorities; but it must be used as Arnold used
it-judiciously and judicially, not with vindictiveness, or-as in this
instance where eighty-eight strokes were given-in excess and cruelty.
We learn that there is a strong feeling in Shrewsbury on the subject,
and we are not surprised at it. We hope it will be sufficiently strong
to oust the offender, and send him to that doubtless congenial Virgilian
Continue audit voices, vagitus et ingens,
Infantumque animse fientes.
A Notty Question.
THE. Nottingham Journal reports how,
For throwing a saucer and an infant five months at her husband a woman at
Birmingham has been sentenced to three weeks' imprisonment.
This is a poser. Three weeks' imprisonment seems severe for merely
throwing a saucer. For throwing a five months' child, it hardly seems
enough to satisfy either the damage of the infant, or the injury to the
husband. For both crockery and baby combined it seems just a little
A Free View of (S.) A. Freeman.
IN a review ef a reprinted work, The Morality of Field Sports,"
the Western Mercury remarks:-
Butchers, surgeons, executioners, and soldiers have to kill and torture (not
wantonly but unavoidably), but it is their duty. It is not a voluntary act, and
therefore any species of killing or running the risk of torturing by a voluntary or
wanton act is cruel.
Each M.R.C.S. will we trust fully appreciate the delicately expressed
SIa,-I tremble to think what may take place at the fast approach-
ing Goodwood Meeting. Visions of active if not intelligent police
pursue me Whichever way I turn; and in my mind's eye I can see the
Duke of Richmond with his coronet torn from his noble brow, his
aristocratic face beiewed with the juice of the smashed strawberry
leaves, and his graceful wrists hampered by the manacles which are in
future to be fastened on all who keep places where betting men do
congregate. I can see the officers brandishing their staves, and calling
on him to surrender, and on the other side I can picture Admiral Rous
waving his cocked hat in one hand and pointing his sword with the
other, while, with the instincts of a nautical life strong within him, he
calls upon all friends and supporters to keep their heads well above
water, and so prevent the otherwise inevitable consequence to horse-
racing as well as to themselves. The Master of the Buckhounds,
surrounded by his trusty pack, who bite the policemen in their most
vulnerable parts, stands savagely at bay; but the lessees of the Epsom
Grand Stand rend their garments in a manner which would delight
the heart of a ready-made tailor, and shriek aloud for sympathy. One
even goes so far as to offer a free pass for stand and paddock, now that
it is not very valuable, to any journalist who will say a good word for
him and prevent his being locked up, while another weeps, and says
it's all because they didn't charge enough gate-money last Summer
Meeting. Mr. Chaplin shakes his head significantly, and says that all
this trouble comes of betting for stakes which are too heavy, a practice
he always did consider wrong, and Sir Joseph Hawley offers to read
to the assembled constables his Ninety-nine Notions for the Regenera-
tion of Racehorses, with Remarks on Reporters and Suggestions for
their Suppression. But 'tis all of no use-the police and the magis-
trates carry the day. Newmarket Heath is let out on building leases;
Epsom Grand Stand is taken by the South Kensington Commissioners
as a home for their incurable members; and Ascot is given over to Mr.
Ruskin, so that he may build up the working man after his own heart,
and show that, despite the gold medal of the Order, Architecture is not
quite dead amongst us.
With all this before me then, sir, is it to be wondered that my brain
is disturbed, and that though the Meeting at Goodwood-probably the
last that will ever take place there-is rapidly approaching, my
prophetic soul refuses to give off its knowledge and reveal the winners
of the Stakes and Cup ? I think it would be wonderful if, under the
circumstances, I could sit down and ignore what is going on at present,
calmly pointing out winners to the backers who must not back, and
thereby affording amusement to the layers who durst not lay. This is
what I call placing the case in an eggshell; and so, till next week,
permit me to subscribe myself, yours conscientiously, AuGsrun.
"One Law for the Rich."
A DAILY contemporary reports a case at the Marylebone Police-court,
under the heading Serious Assault by a Gentleman." The gen-
tleman" blacked the eyes of the square-gardener for wetting his son,
who got in the way in spite of warning. The decision was as
Mr. Mansfield ordered the defendant to pay a fine of SOs. and 50s. costs, or in
default to be imprisoned for one month in the House of Commons.
The House of Commons is not the mast comfortable place in the world
during this hot weather, but perhaps if the defendant had not been a
gentleman" the House of Correction would have been substituted.
Go to Bath I
THE following announcement of certain public baths in Lancashire
is curious :-
TTHE Superintendent of the above Baths begs to inform the public of Lancaster
T-that he undertakes to learn swimming at the following prices:-
W working Men's Sons................... ........... 5 0
M en............................................. 10 0
Gentlemen ......................... ............... 15 0
The Superintendent of Baths ought in our opinion to be able to swim as
a qualification for the post; but it is rather hard that people should pay
to see him learning to do what he should be able to do already, and it
is not very just that a gentleman should pay three times as much as a
working man's son to witness the spectacle.
EIGnTEEN cases of suspended animation were lately observable on
convenient trees in the neighbourhood of San Saba, Texas. The
unfortunate deceased are described in local prints under the picturesque
designation of horse-thieves. It would seem that looking over a
hedge is not a healthy employment in Texas.
PERRY CHUMLEY'S ECLIPSE.
IT was Ben's declared& opinion- that. iX we permitted. this comet, to
avoid competitive examination the other comets would.have, just. cause
of complaint. Moreover," said he, "considering that during the
last few years the science of speetaoscopic analysis has been advancing
by leapsand',bounds, any evasion, of duty in the matter would be aU
clear shirking of what we ougit to do.. As:Englishmen," he. con-
tinued, with a flourish of the hand,: we must, act;immediately if we.
would do anything at.once."
That reminds me," said William, of a little story about Perry
Chumley, who -"
For the sake of science, William," I interrupted, laying a hand
upon his arm,." I beg you won't; relate it. The comet will be behind
the roof of that lodging-house opposite in half-an-hour, if it is going
nearly as fast asit looks to be. We have no time for the story."
"No," said Ben, looking about the room, "I've, heard it before.
What we'want is a spectroscope. I have. unfortunately left. mine in
my other-trousers. Do you think we could get on with this ? It has
no prism, but is rather thick in the bottom." Producing from my
sideboard an empty long-neckedl bottle, Ben protruded, it over the
window-ledge, the neck toward the northern heavens.
"This Perry Chumley," resumed William, from his seat at the
other window, believed himself a born astronomer, and always kept
a. bit.of smoked glass. He was particularly great on solar eclipses;
I've known him to sit up all night watching the sky for fear of
missing one through a mistake of the almanaclk."
Ben had now got the spectroscope trained on the comet, and to
exclude the light he-let down the window-blind. across- the, neck. I
spread a clean shirt upon the floor in the proper position, and the
spectrum of the comet came out beautifully on itr-a long greenish bar
of llght, crossed with numerous dark and bright lines, the sight of
which elicited from both of us a cry of delight,
"-One day," continued William, some one told Perry Chumley
there would be an eclipse of the sun that afternoon at three o'clock.
Now Perry had recently read a story about, some men who in ex-
ploring a mountain range had looked up. from the bottom of a deep,
narrow gorge and seen the stars, shining at. midday. It stknio him ,
now, that this knowledge might be utilized so as to gi~r him a, final
view of the eclipse, and enable him at the same time, tovse: what, the)
stars would appear to think about. it."
That," said Ben, pointing to one of the dark lines in the cosmetic
spectrum, and utterly heedless of William's narrative-" that is 'pro-
duced by the vapour of carbon in the nucleus of the heavenly visitant.
You will observe that it differs but slightly from the lines that come,
of volatilised iron. Examined through this opera glasse"-adjusting.
that instrument to his eye-" it will probably show-by Jove! he
"jaculated, kneeling for a better view, "it isn't carbon at all; it is:
"Of course," proceeded William, with the utmost composure-" of
couse Perry Chumley didn't have any mountain gorge, so what did
hedo but let himself down, with. his arms and leg, to the bottom of an
old well about thirty feet in depth. And there he stood-with the
cold- water up to his middle, and the froga and aquatic lizards
quarrelling for the cosy corners of his pockets-there he stood, waiting
for the sun to appear in the field of his, 'instrument.' and he
"Ben, you're joking," I remarked; "you aremtaking liberties with
science, Benjamin. It canit be meat, you know."
I tell you it is, though," was the excited reply; "it's just meat, I
tellyou! And this other line, whiclk at first Itooktvibe liqueric -i
combustion, is bone- bone, or I'm an asteroid! I never saw the like;
that comet. must be densely peopled with butchers !"
When Perry Chumley had waited, a long while," William went
on, looking up expecting, every minute, t see an eclipse, it began to
get into, his mind that the bright. cieualare-pening above his head was,
the sun, and. that the black disc of the moon was. all that, was-wanting,
to, complete the expected phenoimnse. 'This notion soon took com-
plete possession of him."
I was now scrutinizing the cometic spectrum on the sairk very.
closely myself, being particularly attracted by a thin faint line which
I thought Ben had overlooked,
0, that's nothing," he explai&ed; "that's a mere local fault.
arising from conditions peeuliar to the, spectroscope. That is Irish
-whisky. This other line,, though, shows, the faintest imaginable
trace of soap ; and these, unetain wavering ones axe caused by some
efflavium, not in. the comet itself, but in the regions of space behind it.
I think it is tobacco smoke. I will new tilt the instrument so as to
get the spectrum of the celestial wanderer's tail. Ah! there we have
it. Splendid! "
Now this well," said William, was netr a highway, along which
was travelling a big and very hideous nigger."
See here, Dod," exclaimed Ben, removing his lorgnette, and
looking me earnestly in the eyes; if I were to tell you that the coma
of this eccentric body is really hair would you believe it P "
No, Ben, I certainly should not."
S" Well, I won't argue the matter; there are the lines-they speak
for themselves. But now that I look again,, you are not entirely
wrong; there is a. considerable, admixture of jute, muss, and I think
tallow. It is certainly most extraordinary! Sir Isaac Newton "
That big niggpr," drawled William, '1 felt thirsty, and seeing the
mouth. of the well thought there was perhaps a bucket. in it. So he
ventured to creep to it on his hands and knees, and look in over the
Suddenly ourspectrum vanished, and avery dim one of quite different
appearance presented itself in. the same. place on the shirt. It wa&a.
longish spectrum, crossed by a single broad bar of yello.w "Ah,"
said Ben, our waif of the upper deep is obscured, by a cloud. Let
us see what the misty veilis:made of."
He took a look at the spectrum, started back, and muttered, Brown
Holland, by thunder!"
You can. imagine the rapture of Perry Chumley," pursued the in-
defatigable. William, when he saw, as.he supposed, the moon's black
disc encroaching upon the body of the luminary that had so long
.rivetted his gaze; but when the obscuring' satellite; had.thrust herself
so far forward that the, eclipse became annular,, and he. saw her staring,
down upon a darkened world with glittering white eyes and a. double
row of flashing teeth, it is perhaps not strange that he vented a wild'
shriek of terror, fainted, and collapsed amongst his frogs! As for the.
big nigger, he executed a precipitate movement which only the break-
ing of his neck prevented froem being a double back-somersault, and.
lay dead in. the. weeds, with his, tongue out, and his face the colour of
wood-ashes., We laid them in one grave, poor fellows, and on many a
still summer evening afterwards I strayed to the lonely little, church-
yard and listened with pensive melancholy to the smothered requiem.
chanted by the frogs, which we had forgotten to remove from the
pockets of the lamented astronomer.
And now," added, William, taking his handkerchief from his eyes'
and hisa feet from the window-seat, as you cannot resume the
spectral analysis of that red-headed housemaid, in the dormer window,
who pulled the blind down when I made a, mouth at her and her loveE
smoking his pipe behind.hers let us go out andsee if we can get a look.
at the comet."
THE. TWO QUESTIONS.
I PINE for the hiSlor the. lakes'or the-heather;
I long very much to be somewhere away.
One cannot be grumbling all day- at the weather,
Or feeding on ices and claret all day.
By Jove, if I only can manage, to, borrow
From Cook or- from Gaze a suggestion or two,
I'll pack up my, traps and be of' by to-morrow;
But where shal 1: wander and, what: shalL I do ?'
The squares of thelwest are deserted and: lonely,,
The parks giv'nwover to rest and repose;
And very, few Membersa of Parliament only
Remain for the- Session. to crawl to -its close.
I sigh for new faces and people and places;
I sight tae wing and fly off tout.i coup,
Too far, fiomnt or city to leave any traces;
But where shal 1 wander and what sbWJULe do P
For walking, or riding or steaming or. sailing_
i'm equaty ready, a'a ate may arrange.
If need be, I'm equallyrready for scaling
An Alp or a Jura by way of a change.
I wish I could settle my plans in a minute:
Can anyone tell me; s anything new -1
I'm, bent on a jleiuney:aaAdiong to begiaLit;
But where shill L weadkr and what Ahal I d, F.
Tin following notice, in the .Biningham Daily fail is modest-:-
FOB Sal asgoQd Sausage Filling Machine. Also a large handsome Dog, eheal,
Any one less, sensitive of the cen anwices than the advertiser would have.
put in plainly thus:-" Machinery and materials lor the saotsga
WE read in The Times Police Report that Detective George
Helburn, of the Great Western Railway Company, in the exercise of
his calling, concealed himself under three carriages at the Bishops'-
road siding." What a rival would he have been in the days of old to
that famous Bow-street runner, Townshend "
JULY 25, 1874.]
38 F U N [JULy 25, 1874.
J33 L NW ,
SIR FRANCIS GRANT. KNITTING A &TOCKING,
CALLING ATTENTION TO.HEER, PICTU
-- --- t,
FUN.-JULY 25, 1874.
TREMENDOUS APPEARANCE OF A SIX-TAILED COMET!
A watch, that hasn't got a key,
A clock, that void of works is,
Would be as useful quite to me
As this most vile of shirks is;
Could I get rid of it, I'm sure,
I'd freely prove a giver-
I'd even give it to the poor-
THE wings of a theatre, on account of the heat of
the gas, are always called the coolisses.
Arab (to friend):.-" SE THIS YER SWELL A-COMIN'! VIRY WELL! 'E'S
MY MEDERKLE MAN! [JOnes is surgeon at Blank Prison.
DOTS AND LINES.
RATHER a neat thing in comets. Wonder if it finds the world
improved since its last visit! = The Comte de Chambord, pursued
with inquiries why he omitted the white flag in his manifesto. It was
at the wash. = Very hot at Wimbledon. Not cool anywhere just
now. = The Flying Man killed. To fly down from an eminence is as
easy as falling. And not much safer. = Ruskin declines British
Architects' gold medal, but will join them in sackcloth and ashes if
they like. Only one ha'p'orth of sense to that sack! = Gambetta
called the National Assembly a corpse." Is he going to be First
Gravedigger ?" = Prince Bismarck fired at. And yet people say the
Germans don't love him! = War in Acheen still continues. Why do
the Dutch take so much trouble about a place that isn't worth a
Rotterdam ? = Spanish civil war. Both sides claim the victory.
Spanish pride has always more vitality than Spanish veracity. =
Statue of Lord Derby unveiled by Dizzy, who made a speech on the
Caucasian- no, we mean occasion. = The Carlists have shot a German
newspaper correspondent. Don't seem to think much of the freedom
of the press. Paris Figaro is suspended for a fortnight for telling
the .truth. It is a fault so seldom committed by the Paris papers, it
might have been overlooked this once. = Close run for the Queen's
Prize. Atkinson and Rae shot off their ties. This beats Tell's
apple! = We have all been growling at the Clerk of the weather this
year. He has given it us hot for it now!
Brechin' the news gently.
A CONTEMxI'ORfA reports that-
An old woman in Brechin, a few nights ago, fell out of bed and broke her neck.
The circumstance was not discovered for two or three days afterwards.
We should have thought the old woman, at least, would have known
THE world would be unedurable without the Globe. It is delightful
to turn from the solid wisdom of the Standard and lofty language of
the Daily Telegraph to the fanciful utterance of that pink periodical,
whose flights are, to use its own elegant words, something between
"the swift whiz of the bluebottle and cockchafer" and "the lazy
wobbling flutter of the white butterfly." Its latest imaginative essay
is on the art of flying, and it describes man's efforts in that direction
He will try-and, if analogy is any gui de, he will one day acquire skill enough
-to make himself as much at home in the upper air as heis upon the earth or the
ocean, and to beat the birds in their own element as signally as he has surpassed
the beasts and fishes in less dangerous fields of competition.
We were not aware hitherto that man can surpass a greyhound in speed
of running, or a mackerel in rapidity of swimming. Certainly in the
water-as in the Globe-he seems to partake more of the nature of the
flounder than of that of the dab.
Is this Freedom ?
WHAT is called grandmotherly legislation by the Conservative press
is becoming too oppressive. The enlightened humanity of our
civilized counties, such as Lancashire and Stafford, and of important
centres like Hanley and Oldham, will not put up with this sort of
thing. The former may fairly complain of a proposed interference
with its revival of the refinements of the classic Circus, and now the
latter has a grievance. An inhabitant, by name Costello, has been
subjected to the indignity of two months' imprisonment for having
savagely kicked a married woman on the legs and body, without any
provocation." Without provocation on her part, and therefore with-
out vindictiveness or malice on his. And yet for this mere ebullition
of a playful spirit this gentle potter will be put on a wheel that does
not manufacture crockery. What will be the end of this harassing
legislation, which tries to check the amusements of the people ?e
WHAT makes me scourge the world at large
With bitterest invective ?'
What bids me venom to discharge
Upon mankind collective ?
What makes me long for barbed stings,
The Indian's poisoned quiver P
What makes me loathe all sorts of things ?
What makes my eyesight weak and dim ?
What makes my sight erratic ?
What makes my head so burn and swim,
My weary brain lymphatic ?
What strains my nerves upon the rack,
And makes each fibre shiver
Like frightened fiddlestrings ? Alack!
My liver !
What fills with gloomy thoughts my head,
With dreams of poisoned phials,
Of hempen noose, of globes of lead,
To end my bitter trials ?
Of water-butts what makes me think,
Or muddy-flowing river ?
What drives me to distraction's brink ?
'Tis like a paving-stone; in vain
I've drenched it and I've dosed it.
'Tis deaf to insult, dead to pain,-
'Twould suffer me to roast it.
Torpid as tortoise or as snake,
No means, that I diskiver,
To sense of duty can awake
My liver !
* 25, 1874.
42 F TN. [JUL 25, 1874.
MORE GRANDMOTHERLY GOVERNMENT.
By OUc SPECIAL M.P.
OUR GLUTTONY-ABOLITION (MIDDLE-AGED GENTLEMEN) BILL.
13. When any police-officer (dressed in plain-clothes, and
placed in some unconspicuous place
14. Shall discover any individual whose personal obesity
would indicate excessive indulgence
in solid nutriment,
15. He shall trace that individual to his
place of residence;
16. And (armed with a warrant) warn that individual's cook as to limiting
that individual's future supply of alimentary substances.
17. The pastrycooks, within a radius of two miles, shall also be cautioned against
pandering to his cravings for the edible.
18. After a time, should that individual's bulk be found to
19. He shall be summoned and fined whenever he is
found at large.
20. And, should suck correction fail, he
shall be rolled out flat, and hung up
conspicuously, as an EXAMPLE.
Let Dogs delight."
THE virtuous Daily Telegraph has found out-not a mare's nest, but
a dog-ring, wherein a dwarf fought a bull-dog. Well, the two brutes
were fairly matched and had fair play, which is more than the pigeons
get at Hurlingham. But then the dwarf-and-dog-fight was for the
amusement of colliers, not princes, and people, who may some day be
baronets, must evince a respect for royalty. We would draw our
contemporary's attention to certain doings at Hawick in which not
even a lord is concerned, and which may therefore be scathingly
exposed. At the meeting of the Town Council, a question arose as to
slaughter-house accommodation, and Bailie Milligan-
Called attention to the present insufficient accommodation at tha slaughter-
houses. Considering the large number of men, and also cattle and sheep that were
slaughtered in it, he thought it was high time something should be done.
They slaughter men as well as cattle and sheep in Hawick. Daily
Telegraph to the rescue Pass down that Special Commissioner !
STARTING POINT Foa ScHOOLS op -CooKnaY.-Brains-in the
MORE MEN OF THE TIME.
WE regret to say, and so say it with deep feeling, that a valued
contributor has met with an untimely fate. It came to him in the
night; and while his widow is going through a course of funeral baked
meats which will certainly interfere with her unaccustomed digestion,
his creditors are weeping the weep of people when the last long hope
which maketh the heart sick has departed, and their I.O.U's are
LO.Useless. We said his fate met him in the night. Alas! it came
in the shape of an Irishman's potato stalk. Struck on the back
of his head, his vulnerable place, our contributor bit the dust.
Unfortunately he bit a little too much of it-choked, like the noble and
the true contributor always does, commended those he left behind to
'the care of the editor of this paper, and gave up the ghost like a man.
.Gentle reader, he fell a sacrifice to truth and honour. Last week he
wrote an .article which will be remembered when journalistic hard
times shall be no more, but two Irishmen believing he referred to
them have laid him low. We have applied to them for his funeral,
'evonses, whidh they decline to grant, and therefore we have, painful
,as is the application, to ask those who loved him when in life to spare
a copper or two for the decent interment of the writer of Men of the
Time." But there is still more. The writer of that article has
nominated a.successor who knows no fear and is beyond reproach. On
him has been 'entailed the duty of continuing the article aforesaid, sad
in the hope that readers will not forget that the smallest contributions'
will be thankEnlly received on account of one who died in harness,
with pen in 'hand and whisky within hail, the present writer sets
forth upon his task, for the purpose of showing that the men here im-
mortalised may kill .but they cannot conquer. N.B.-Undertakers,
may send in estimates for coffins from 5ft. 6in. to 6ft. 5in., as we are not
sure. Also from 10 a.m. till 10 p.m. for the same reason. [Under-
takers are requested to do nothing of the kind, and as for readers we:
know they are fully alive to the spurious importance set upon their
work by such writers :as the foregoing, who try to make themselves;
appear of equal importance with Dod Grile, Augspur, or even our-
selves. Verbum sat.-En.]
Alfred de Musset B'ranger Poe Swinepot, the celebrated writer of,
vers de socidte was mot always such. The philosopher says thatW
versifiers are born and not made, in contradistinction from poets who'
are like ready-madeoclathes and fit naturally, but Alfred de M. B."P. S.
was born nevertheless, and from an early age he learnt to lisp the
numbers on the maternal and aunteestral tickets which represented
the goods which his mother, bless her soul, used to lend his uncle
duringtheweek so as to keepthemfrom moth, dust, damp, fire, and other
inconveniences to which articles kept under the bed are unfortunately
liable. As the twig is bent the tree inclines, and young Alfred
t wigged early that men may come and men may go, but verse flows on
for ever. At an age when other boys were sucking toffy and
smugging guys young Swinepot sat in his attic and composed his
celebrated ode to the month of August, which commences
Oh August you are very hot,
Yet August cold are you,
I wish you'd settle on the spot
I dew, I dew, I dew.
It is noticeable that there is a magnificent exuberance in the finish of
the verse quoted, and a double meaning which, as the poet has told us,
raises its writer above the level of mere contributors of verse in the same
way that the drinker of double stout or Dublin double distilled is raised
above the level of the miserable toper of table beer or cold fourpenny.
It is only fair to remark that though Alfred de Etcetera is a more or
less disappointed and misanthropic man, he is never above taking a
drink, and lie has once or twice gone so far as to accept a sixpence and
some broken victuals at the hands of wealthy but unselfish members
of the club of which he constitutes the literary, artistic, journalistic, and
lyric committee as well as the committee of taste. Alfred does not go
iu for expensive garments, neither would his hats fetch a large sum in
th'ae East End market. But he is a true gentleman, and he can borrow
a trifle in a way which makes the lender feel that he and he alone has
received the favour. And as he's not likely to receive anything else,
let's hope he is satisfied.
There are many other celebrities whom we have in our mind, and to
whom we would gladly draw attention, as doubtless there are many
looking for information concerning them. But for the present we
must pospone the pleasant duty, as art is long and space is short; and
so, satisfied that we have shown both courage and ability, and awaiting
the subscriptions which should come in rapidly, we will for the present
desist, and in the meantime shall be glad of any facts in connection
with important persons hitherto unpublished. But only of important
and well-known persons, such as the foregoing.
OLD Maltworm being asked how he contrived to keep cool this hot
weather said he did so by cask-aid. But he did not mean a waterfall.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, NO. 382.
THERE gleams afar
A wondrous star;
It seems to wear
A plume a-flare,
Around the Pole
It loves to roll,
Capella and the greater Bear.
1. There are footsteps on the heather,
Pipes are sounding on the hill;
For the Highland tribe will gather,
When they hear the summons shrilL
And claymore, bonnet, feather,
Will the chieftain's chest fulfil.
2. You may turn up your noses
At certain dark roses,
But I do not suppose
You will turn up your nose
At this velvety bloom
Almost black in its gloom,
And named from a Spaniard as I should presum-.
3. Some cats like milk
And a cushion of silk,'
But deuce a bit
Would luxury fit
Our tabby Tom,
Who will turn therefrom.
He likes labour harder
And never desists
While their exists
A thief in the larder.
JULY 25, 1874.]
4. Quote my jokes,
But when you have any inserted
And do not neglect
To put them in commas inverted!
5. Cottage roofs will often tell
In a picture very well;
But in fact-be it confest--
Tiles or slates are much the best.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC, No. 380.-Thunder Showers: Tarts, Hash,
Urbino, New, Drive, Esther, Ranters.
CORRECT SOLUTIONs or ACROSTIC, No. 380, received 15th July :-Peggotty; Bob ;
The Lazy One; Smug; Double or Quits; Hammersmith; Florre M. ; Ruby's
Ghost; Bandersnatch; Madcap; Guilac; Cliff; Margate Vie; Knave of Hearts;
Winkle; Ozone; Slodger and Tiney; Brighton Cat; Liebig Family; Pussycats-
meeow; Lunatic Bill; Nell and Peons; Rodrigo; P. W. R.; Dixie; Sword Fih;
Ubba; Mars; B. and S.; Peggotty's Daughters.
Rodrigo :-An advertisement, for which we are not responsible.
dZtXi5om to Qaxtscits.
[We cannot return unaccepted .88. or Sketches, unless they are accxs-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do mot hold oursels)
responsible for loso.;
TrrITus.-A most bucolic joke.
H. H. (De Beauvoir Town).-We can't "if" and so we "don't"-
especially as you "don't care."
C. A. McI. (Slough).-We don't pay for what we don't insert.
CONSTA-T SUBSCRInER.-The cutting has been sent us by several
correspondents. Is it a sign of the spread of education that so many
people read the advertising columns of the daily press ? To be sure, at
times they are quite as interesting as the leaders.
PosTmvA.-Deafness is a passing evil-stupidity is chronic; but they
are alike in results. We should say, to judge from your verses, you are at
least deaf-as a post.
J. FISHEm (Birmingham).-We are not to be caught by your lines. We
have met with them before.
M. (Canonbury).-We don't undertake to answer conundrums.
S. L. J.-Much obliged.
Declined with thanks:-Organist; E. B., Islington; E. M. J. ; M.,
Wimbledon; Ronney P.; J. L., Manchester; Volunteer; R. W.; F.,
Camden Town; R. D., Walworth; S., Liverpool; M. G.; Tim ; Biblio-
polist; W. S., Highbury Park; F., Exeter; G. R. W.; Toots; Dicky
Sam; J. A., Finsbury; H. C. S., Islington; Dick; M., Leeds; E. R.,
Upper Holloway; J. C., Old Kent-road; W. G.; A. B.; Poll; J. W. W.,
Birkenhead; G., Wandsworth-road; T. L. dM.; Readere P. D.; J. J.,
Finsbury; Richard W.; Wasp; P. Q ; The Avenger; Watkin; A Digger;
D. F. M.; G., Greenwich.
44 FUNJULY 25, 1874.
_ _ _ _ _ -h2
Juliana.-" THAT was A xISS, WASN'T IT, Ma. CHASUBLE? I Curate:-" So SLIGHT I COULD HAMIDLY DETEUT IT!"
Maria (aside) :-" FORWARD THING! "
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
WE have received for review-we were almost saying naval review
-The Privateer ; a Nautical Romaner, by a Sailor (Griffith and Farran,
St. Paul s-churchyard). Our nautical bard may be a rare hand at
knotting and splicing, but he can't bend-on a line of poetry, and when
he tags on a rhyme it is too often with a slippery hitch. Here are
-woman, when her virtue's gone
To feel her lover's heartless scorn.
Next morn the ship, returning with a prize
Proved the success of Bertrand's enterprise.
These are as much like rhyme as a Matthew Walker is like a double
Turk's-head. We see the author announces a volume of humorous"
poems. If he is wise he will refrain. In that particular line he will
find it difficult to excel The Privateer.
In the Civil Service Handbook of English Literature (Lockwood and
Co., Stationer's-hall-court), Mr. H. A. Dobson gives a most useful
and compendious history of our writers from the earliest period down
to the present day. To be of real use for the purpose indicated in
the title, such a work must necessarily be very brief in its details; and
this it is, without being meagre. It is no small triumph to give in
less than three hundred pages a complete rdsumdof such a distinguished
literature as ours; but that Mr. Dobson has achieved it there is no
manner of doubt. We have tested the book in various ways, and
have invariably found what we sought. As a volume of reference it
will be invaluable, giving, as it does, a Liebig's lozenge, if we may
use the expression, where too many similar handbooks supply us with
a tureen of lukewarm and vapid soup.
Opportunely, just as we are beginning to sigh for foreign tours,
comes from Messrs. Tinsley, of Catherine-street, Tramps in the Tyrol,
by Mr. H. Baden Pritchard, a charming book from a lively and facile
pen, with an excellent frontispiece by Mr. Proctor. We imagine
that its pleasant pages will send many a holiday pleasure-seeker to
the Tyrol, and bring him back grateful to Mr. Pritchard for turning
his footsteps in that direction.
It never is (s)tool-late to learn.
WE are glad this young ruffian has been taught a lesson:-
An Aberdeen lad, 10 years old, who struck his grandfather on the head with a
stool, has been sent to gaol for 10 days, and to a reformatory for five years.
We trust he will learn in the reformatory that, however necessary it
may be to "put a head on" a grandfather, even stools have their
feelings and cannot be hammered against hard things with impunity.
CROSBY'S BALSAMIC COUGH ELIXIR DR. ROOKIE'S
S speciallyrecommended by several eminent physicians, and by Dr. ROOKE, A N T I- L A N C E T .
Scarborough, author of the "ANTI-LANCET." It has been used with the
most signal success for Asthma, Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza. A LL who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong life, should
Consumptive Night Sweat>, C:pitting of Blood, Shortness of Breath, and all tk. read Dr. Rooke's "Anti-Laucet," or, "Handy Guide
affections of the Throat and ... to Domestic Medicine," which can be had gratis from any
old in bottles at Is. 9 d each, by l respectable Chemists, and Chemist, or post free from Dr. Rooke, Scarborough. Concerning this
wholesale by JAS. M. Ci ( Chemist, Scarborsugh. book, which contains 168 pages, the late eminent author, Sheridan
*. Invalids should read Cnoscy's Prize Treatise on "Diseases of the I owl co me 1 P e a n ..em.aen author, ersn
Lungs and Air Vessels," a copy of which can be had gratis of all I Knowles, observed:- it will be an incalclable bon to every person
Chemists. who can read and think."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, July 25, 1874.
AuousT 1, 1874.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 383
A oLOWING sun burns overhead,
The earth seems made of molten lead,
The sky has not a cloud to lend
Its shade, the parched blooms to befriend;
Meanwhile the harvest ripens fast-
But surely it's too hot to last!
1. Within their rugged mountains reared,
They laughed at each invading host.
No tyrant have they ever feared,
But won the freedom that they boast.
2. A regimental motto, worn
On colours that have aye been borne
To East and West and South and North
Where'er the gallant troop went forth.
3. The eastern dromedary
And camels burdens carry,
But for the West
This beast is best.
4. A crop I've heard
That's fine this year,
Where many a bird
The gun will fear.
5. In Venice its span,
According to plan,
Makes a fine arch,
Where merchant could march
When Venice in commerce of old led the van.
6. The weather's so warm.
That, though it's bad:form,
I really must gape
From ennui to escape.
SOLUTION OF ACRosTIC, No. 381.-Valnay, Pitron:
Vamp, Arditi, Lout, Nectar, Armadillo, Yataghan.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROBTIC NO. 881, received 22nd July:
-Snakes and Snuffers : Pipekop's Pupils; Pimlico Tom Cat;
X.Q.; D.E. H.; Pollaky; Charley and Alfti; Guitar; Nolo;
Leibig Family; Ozone; Sara; Zoe; Zoological Dido ; T. A. M.;
Spheroid; B. 0. H.; A Little Fog Bird; Chookanook and Kune;
Striped Innocent; Gyp ; Little Peacocks; Ot; Smug; Alwine
M.; Nodwos; Nevarc ; W. W. G. W.; Cliff; Hart; Hart; Frank and
Maria; 2 C's; Paddy; Peggotty; Brice; Guilac; Moth; Nell
and Pons; Peggotty's Daughters ; Ginx's Baby.
Old Man (seductively) :-" COULD YOU HEAT A HAPTPLE, BOY ?"
Boy (hopefully) :-" Yxs, GRAN'PA; FORTY !"
Old Man (archly) :-" GITS us YER MONEY, THEN, AN' ILL GET YER A
GOOD PENN'ORTH! "
DOTS AND LINES.
PARLIAMENT will close early in August. A Committee of the whole
House will then take the question of the moors into consideration. =
Chicago has had another conflagration. Cannot it singe its hogs on a
smaller scale, please the pigs ? = French Government on the boil.
M. Magne resigns. MacMahon doesn't. = Eton victorious. Harrow
ploughed by five wickets. = Review at Wimbledon. Princess
Christian's Society for the Distribution of Prizes. = Freedom of City
presented to Sir Bartle. Can't make him Frere than he is welcome.
= More rows in French Government. Betting-Fourtou won. But
he didn't-he resigned. = Mr. Grant carpeted for Kidderminster. =
Failure of .Daily Telegraph to establish the fact of the dog and dwarf
fight. Perhaps it can prove the existence of a cock and a bull ? =
Gladstone proposed six resolutions against Public Worship Bill.
Then he had one irresolution, and withdrew them. = Baron Bramwell,
at Lewes, rebuked a jury for being fools. If this sort of thing is to be
the fashion, the judges will have enough to do. = Holiday season
commences. The usual assorted excursion train and pleasure boat
accidents. = Civil Pension to our Tupper. He bears the infliction
with his proverbial philosophy. = The session is nearly over. The
maiden speech of Mr. Watney, M.P. for East Surrey, remains an
unmade 'un. = The case against the Jockey Club dismissed by the
sporting magistrates of Newmarket. Swells may bet, and murder
pigeons. Cads mayn't. Such is the incorruptible justice of England!
A LOcAL print informs us that at Dewsbury-
Four men who were ascending a steam hoist were precipitated to the bottom.
They ought to have known better. To be precipitated to the bottom
is not to ascend. In fact it is the reverse. They might as well have
ascended in order to get to the bottom. Their negligence of this fact
almost amounts to culpability.
TAKE away thy comet, prythee;
Science, take thy pet away!
Get you gone and joy go with thee,
I'm more sick than I can say
Of the nucleus, and coma,
And the learned terms that veil,
With an erudite aroma,
This poor star that's got a tail.
Dash its spectrum, blow its orbit,
Hang its-well, I don't know what!
May the sun ere long absorb it-
It's made us uncommon hot!
Planets, moving in genteelest
Circles, must before it pale;
Yet thou, Science, ne'er revealest
'Tis a star that's got a tail!
Take away that humbug hollow,
With its envelopes, and rot;-
Don't imagine we shall swallow
The imposture in the lot!
Smash your lenses and reflectors,
Instruments that simply fail
Of this fact to be detectors-
It's a star that's got a tail!
Keeping up the Balance.
A xMtING journal states that Sicily produces annually fifty thousand
tons of brimstone. But where on earth can all the corresponding
treacle come from ?
(AcovsT 1, 1874.
.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 29, 1874.
AN IMPORTANT MOTION.
THERE are lots of burning questions,
And good. and wise suggestions,
Before The House to-day-
But August's Twelfth approaches,
And woe to him who broaches
A reason for delay.
The Church and Education,
The Taxes of the nation,
:Might very well bear mooting-
:But moors, and'-grouse, and shooting
Now fill the. House's dreams.
The business f thaHouse is
All over, when.the grouse is
So let the anxioun:nation
Just wait for legislation
'Until the shooting'idone!
IN these days of Joint-Stock Companies,we are prettywell -accus-
tomed to see very inmongruouA lists of names in-onneoionneiowih new
schemes, but "Thmes but The Royal Aquarium and Summer and Winter Garden
Society" most unquestionably, carries off the palm' of. eccentricity.
"The Council of Fellows "-a, somewhat original designation, by the
way and one hardly contemplated, we fancy, by.the Companies' Act-
comprises names which, in the wildest dreams of indigestion, we
should not associate with an aquarium or a winter garden. Princes,
Marquises, Earls, Barons, Baronets, and Mu.P.soonejneets'with often
in the lists of Companies, but here we have literature, musici, the
drama, the bar, and even newspaper-proprietorship represented; and
it becomes a curious matter to ask in what particular way theovarious
gentlemen concerned ill show their interests in the-new undertaking.
Mr. Arthur Sullivan,. on the, strength of a sole-o, may claim, as Sir
Julius Benedict may in -connection with the concord' ofr.sweef.e aonds'
in the codfish of commerce, some right to a part in the scheme, and
Mr. Southern, as a well-known practical okist, may pass muster; but
in what way is "the great tragedian," Mr. Irving, to minister to the
happiness of the molluscs P How is Mr. Burnand to raise a smile on
the face of the thornback ? Mr. Buckstone, Mr. Hare, and Mr.
Toole are excellent actors, but that scarcely qualifies them for the
rearing of young salmon any more than the forensic eloquence of
Serjeant Ballantyne or Mr. Douglas Straight could carry conviction to
the minds of a jury of twelve live Yarmouth bloaters. Mr. Plancha's
knowledge of fish is probably limited to those which are "natant"
or "hauriant" in a coat of arms, and Mr. Vezin, having achieved
one of his greatest successes a Man o' Airlie, is not necessarily so
amphibious as to be waterly too. 'Mr. Gilbert may follow up his
wonderful "Bab Ballads" by "Dab Ditties," Mr. Mathews may
find a tank an appropriate spot for a representation of Cool as a
Cucumber," and Mr. Byron can perform Sir Simon Simple at one end
of the rod, with a gentle at the other. But really the whole thing
has the burlesque element strong in it, and whatever may be the
case with the proper inhabitants of the aquarium, the Fellows seem
decidedly fish out of water." We shrewdly fancy that "aquarium
and winter garden" is but theatre and concert room writ large,
and we cannot but think it would have been better for the under-
taking if its real purpose had been distinctly stated. The public
which goes to see a live salmon may be disappointed to meet with a
conducting Sullivan, and those who look for a bloater in his native
element may not care for a Burnand in his, or be delighted to find a
cone rt where they expected a flower show, .and :a burlesque where
theysantioipated a barbel.
WHAT'S GOING ON.
THE Lord Mayor, we are glad to learn, is to be made a Baronet. He
deserves it-but for one thing. By inviting Mr. Neville to the
banquet on the 21tt, he videe advertisements) deprived the public of
the pleasure of seeing that popular actor in the part of Clancarty for
one whole night! The blow should not have been dealt so suddenly,
we feel sure, and therefore we break gently to the public possible
future disappointments of a similar kind. It is rumoured that Mr.
Irving has been invited to spend a happy day at Rosherville with Mrs.
Brown, that Mr. Buckstone has been asked to tea with Dr. Cumming,
that Miss Swanborough is engaged to advocate Woman's Rights at the
Brighton Aquarium, that Messrs. Moore and Burgess are going to
regale on winkles at Osborne, that Mr. Charles Mathews is going to
read the Lessons for Dean Stanley at the Abbey, and that Messrs.
James and Thorne, assisted by Mr. J. Clark, are to give an oratorio at
St. Paul's. After this warning we hope the public will support its
disappointment with fortitude.
We understand that a subscription has been opened for the benefit
of the widows of the two coastguardmen who -were drowned by the
upsetting of their galley off Epple Bay, Birchington, on the 16th inst.
One of the poor fellows has left six children and the other three.
Contributions may be sent to the Rev. J. P. Alcock, Vicar of Birch-
ington, orto Cobb's Bank, Margate.
NEWMARKET NEWS AND GOODWOOD ANTICI-
SIR,- The decision of the Newmarket justices in the case of Lewis
v. Chaplin must tend once more to immortalise the great body of
English unpaid magistrates. I am not at all sure that .men, even
though they be J.P.'s, can be immortalised twice; if they can't we
must regret the cruelty of fate, and pass on to our rejoicings. When
the recent case was heard at Newmarket, there was a most important
question trembling in the balance-a question, the decision of which
was to prove whether the true-born English gentleman was to be
treated like a common man, and be subjected to the pains and penalties
of common law and common information, or if he was to be exempt,
:and if his quality was to receive due consideration. Happily for
England, sir-happily for the land that gave us birth, and for the flag
that's braved one thousand years the battle and the breeze-New-
market was true to itself, and showed that privilege is not quite dead
among as yet. Gloomy will be the day for Great Britain-and, for
the matter of that, for Little Britain as well-when the national pastime
becomes the victim of the ruthless leveller and the red republican.
Perish the thought that, because Warner was wicked, Chaplin should
be chastened ; and perish and perish alsothe thinkers who would dare confound
the wickedness of Welsh Harpers with the jocund joys of the Jockey
Club, or the derelictions of Dewsbury with the glories of Goodwood.
The mention of the word Goodwood, sir, enables me to say that I
can now turn unruffled, and with the calmness consequent upon success,
to a consideration of the two principal features of the great ducal
gathering. Yet do I feel considerable difficulty about approaching
the subject of the Stakes, inasmuch as it may be assumed by mine
enemies that I have some natural predilection for the animal who
heads the quotations as I write. Yes, I have enemies-what truly
great man has not ?-and mine are sure to say that I fancy that
Scamp will be successful for obvious reasons. I am successful, ergo-
you understand, so I need go no further. Well, I do fancy Scamp,
and I'm not ashamed to say that Reflection has assisted" me to this
result, for these two animals, if well supported by Indian Ocean and
Redworth, will, on the day, prove that my enemies had better have
minded their own business and left me to my triumph. With regard
to the Cup, I must consult the muse, who advises me as follows,:-
The Goodwood Cup's so often shown how gloriously uncertain
The turf can prove, though most skilled hands attempt to draw the
That though to none I'll second cry, and every year I'm wiser,
I'm half afraid to say I think the winner will be Kaiser.
For Organist's a stalwart,steed, all those who like may doubt it,
At Chester. and at, Ascot he gave token-none may scout it.
There's Flageolet, who's sure to stay, there's Doncaster so speedy.
I'd like to stand. on all the four, if wouldn'tt look so greedy.
Well, Organist I'll take for one, I'm sure he'll go the distance,
I don't expect, though, that he'll win without a strong resistance ;
For "Flageolet !" the Frenchmen shout, and steaming like a geyser,
Lefevre's horse is close behind; the third one's name is Kaiser.
Wat-er falling off was There.
IT is statistically interesting, if otherwise unimportant, that when
the Temperance Leage League held its te at the Crystal Palace, without
interfering with the supply of beer.and spirits, the visitors to
Sydenham amounted to over sixty thousand; but that when it laid
San embargo on the taps for the first time last year the number of
visitors dropped to fifty thousand, and that last week, when the rule of
"no drinks" was by experience known to be in force, the number.did
not amount to forty thousand. Obvious inference :-If you want a
good.gathering of, teetollers, have a good supply of intoxicating drinks
Not altogether Clear.
THE Globe in an amusing article on quiet watering places winds ,up
by saying that an Englishman's energies increase by repose." This
sounds so pretty that it is melancholy to discover on examining the
statement that it amounts to the not very intelligible assertion that
the more an Englishman does nothing,, the harder he works. This is
almost tantamount to saying, the more nonsense 70 write in the Globe,
the wiser we prove ourselves to be.
AAuosT 1, 1874.]
MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST.
WHiN I was in America I purchased a weekly newspaper-the
Claybank Thundergust of Reform. This paper had never' paid 'its
expenses; it had quite ruined, four. consecutive publishers; but my.
brother-in-law, Mr. Jefferson Scandril, of Weedhaven, was going to
stand-or as they say in the States run "-for the Legislature, and
I naturally desired his defeat; so it became necessary to have an
organ in Claybank to assist in his political extermination. When the
establishment came into-my.hands, the-editor was a fellow about as fit
for his position as Professor Huxley for a minor canonry-a fellow
who had opinions "-and him I at once discharged with an admoni-
tion. I had some difficulty in procuring a successor ; every man in the
country applied for-the place. I could not appoint one without having
to fight amnajority'oftheaothers, and was eventually compelled to write
to' friend atIfl d Springs, in thea adjoining State of Missouri, to send
me ameditbr from abroad- whose' instalment at the helm of manifest.
destiny could'have no localisigniflcance.. Theiman he sent me wasf a
frowey, seedy-fellow, named. Masthead-notia ger, apparently, than-a
boy-of'sixteen years, though-it was...difficulbtoesay from the outsidai
howtmuch-ofi him was editor and how much east-off clothing; for in
the'matter ot apparel he-had acted upon, his: favourite journalistic
maxim, and sunk the individual;." his attirem--eminently eclectic, and&
in a sense national-quite overeasnahim at all points. However,:as my
friend had assured me hervwas "a graduate of one of the largest
institutions in his native State I took him in and bought a pen for
him. My instructions to him were brief and simple.
Mr. Masthead," said I, it is the policy of the Thundergust first,
last, and all the time, in this world and the next, to prevent the in-
trusion of Mr. Jefferson Scandril into legislation."
JkThe first thing the little rascal did was to write a withering leader
denouncing Mr. Scandril as a demagogue, the degradation" of whose
political opinions ; was only equalled by the: disgustfulnes., of the
family connectionsof which those opinions were the spawnrr "
I hastened to point out to Mt. Masthead that it had never-been the
policy of the Thundergust to attack the family relations of .a offensive-
candidate, although this was not-stricaly true.
"I am very sorry," he replied, running: his -head-rpeoutut'of his.
clothes till'it towered as much as siAinches. above the table at which,
he sat; "no offence Ihope. "'
0, none. in the world," said I, asscarelessly as-I could manage it;.
only I don't think it'a legitimate, that is,: an- effective; -method -of
Mr. Johnson;"said.he-I wars-passingas;Johnson at that time; I re-
member-" Mr. Johnson,Ithinkit isan effective method. Personally,
I might perhaps prefer another line of argument in this particular
case, and personally perhaps you might; but in our profession personal
considerations must be blown to the winds of the horizon; we must
sink the individual.' In opposing the election of your relative, sir,
you have set the seal of your heavy' displeasure upon the sin of
nepotism, and for this I respect you; nepotism must be got under!
But in.the display of Roman virtues, sir, we must go the whole hog.
When in the..interest of public morality "-Mr. Masthead. was now
gesticulating earnestly with the sleeves of his coat-" Virginius
stabbed his daughter, was he influenced by personal considerations ?
When Curtius leaped into the yawning gulf,: did he not sink the
I admittedthat he did, but feelingin a-contentiousmood;prolonged
the dismussinby leisurely loading and capping .revolver; but, prescient
of myargnmaint riMasthead.avoided reputation-by hastilyad$ourning
the debate.- Iselnim a note that evening; filling.in a few of'the details
of-thOepolicrwhichI had before 'sketched-in outline.- .Amongst other
thingasi-submitted that it would be better forus to-exalt Mr. Scandril's
opponent thiAnto degrade himself. To this Mr. Masthead reluctantly
assented. "'Sinking thedindividual," hereproachfully. explained, In
the dependent: employd--the: powerless bondsman.!" The next issue
of the TAndergust contained, under the. heading, "Invigorating
Zephyrs,', the'followinmgparagraph :-
Last week'weadeclared our unalterable opposition to the candidacy
of Mr. Jeffefson Scandril, and gave reasons for the faith that is in us.
Fior the first time in its history this. paper made a clear, thoughtful,
and adequate avowal and exposition of eternal principle! Aban-
doning for the present the stand we then took, let us trace the
:antecedents of Mr. Scandril's opponent up to their source. It hasbeen-
urged against Mr. Broskin that he spent some years of his life in the,
iLunatic Asylum 'at Mud Springs,, in the adjoining commonwealth
'of Missouri. This cuckoo cry-raised though it is by dogs of political,
darkness-we shall not stoop to controvert, for it is accidentally true ;,
but next week we shall show, as by-the stroke of an enchanter's wand,
that this great statesman's, detractors :would probably not derive any
benefit from a residence in the same. institution, their mental
,aberration being rottenly incurable! "
i I thought this rather strong, and not quite to the point; but Mast-
,head said it was a fact that our candidate, who was very little known
'in Claybank, had served a term in the Mud Springs Asylum, and.
the issue must be boldly met-that evasion and denial were but forms
of--prostration beneath .the iron wheels of Truth! As he said this he
seemed to inflate and expand so as to almost fill his clothes, and the
fire of his eye somehow burned into me an impression- since effaced-
that a just cause is not imperilled by a trifling concession to fact. So,
leaving the matter quite in my editor's hands, I went away to keep
several important engagements, the paragraph having involved me in
several duels with the friends of Mr. Broskin. I thought it rather
hard that I should have to defend my new editor's policy against the
supporters- of my 'own candidate, particularly as I was clearly in the
right, and-they knew nothing whatever about the matter in dispute,
not one'- of them having ever before so much as heard of the now
famous. Mud. Springs Asylum. But I would not shirk even the
humblest journalistic duty; I fought thesaefellows, and acquitted
myself 'aasbeeame a manrof letters and a politician. The hurts I got
were somaetimetahealing, and in the interval every prominent member
of, my.partywhwtame to Claybac-k-to-speak.to-the people regarded it
as a simple duty.to first call at-my house make a-tender inquiry as to
Sthe..pr9g es'of my recovery, and- leave a challenge. My physician
ioribaldeme to readx.a.line of anything; the consequence was-that
3 Mastheadthad it all his.own'way with the- paper: In- looking, over the
-old filesinow I fiid 'that ho:devotedihis'entire-talent-and allithe space
..of, theovper, including what.-had been. thyadvertisinge 'colmns, to
confewsingW hat our candidate had beerean inmate of a lunati.tisylum,
.and contemptuously asking the opposing 7party-what theywemrgoing
All this time Mr. Broskin made no sign; but when the challenges
became intolerable I indignantly instructed Mr. Masthead to whip
round to the other side and support my brother-in-law. Masthead
"sunk the individual," and duly announced, with his accustomed
frankness, our change of policy. Then Mr. Broskin came down to
Claybank-to thank me! He was a fine, respecrable-looking old
gentleman, and impressed me very' favourably.. But Masthead was in
when he called, and the effect upon him was different. He shrank
into a mere heap of old clothes, turned white,' and chattered his teeth.
Noting this extraordinary behaviour, I at once sought an explanation.
"Mr. Broskin," sai ;A, with a meaning -glance at the trembling
editor, "from certain-indications I am led to fear that owing to some
mistake we may have'beet doing, you an injustice. May I ask if you
were really ever in'the Lunatic Asylum at Mud' Springsj-Missouri ? "
"For three years," 'he replied, quietly, I was the -physician in
charge of that institution. Your son,"-turfi'g to Masthead, who
was flying all- sorts of coloers-" was,- if I mistake not,:one of my
patients. I learn that;a few weeks ago, a:friend of yours, named
,Norton secured the young man's release upon you promise to take
care of him yourself in-futute. I hope that home-associations have
improved the poor-fellow" Jfte very sad'!"
It was indeed. Norton was the name of th'4minaito'whom I had
written for an editor, and who had sent me one! Norton was ever an
'Twirx betting swells and tipsters small
Thb difference scarce matters,
Theiformer are but Tattersall,
Thelatter are all tatters.
But in Law's eye the noble set
The rich iman is allowed to bet,-,
The poor had better not.
THS Daily Ti'eyraph- mentions'" the works of art which- formed
the prizer t Wtmbledont-and' rfers, last but not least; -to
The Daily Telegaph-Cup, whih: for design and workmandsip standaaeWAtid to
none on the table.
After this modest cockadoodledoo which places the- Peterborough
Court Cup on an equality with the St. George's Vase, China Cup, and
Elcho Shield, it depreciatingly enumerates the prizes given by
tradesmen for competition," and indulges in a sneer at the Association
for stimulating the enterprise" of shopkeepers.. It would seem that
that in a tradesmen is an advertisement which in a puffing penny
paper is flat patriotism!
WE clip this from the Pall Mall Gazttte-:-- -
During June there -have been four men killed, 15 danger'ously injured, 24 more
or less -seriously injured, and about 50 bruised, cut, and severely shaken-all by
causes, entirely outoof their' power to prevent, but entirely in the power of the
railway- directors to do so.
During the same period there have been more or less English sentences
bruised, cut, and severely shaken, all by causes entirely out of their
power to prevent, but, in the, touchingly grammatical words of our
contemporary, entirely in the power of that paper-to do so "
[AUGUST 1, 1874.
MORE GRANDMOTHERLY GOVERNMENT.
Br Ou SPrxIAL M.P.
THE ELIGIBLE YOUNG MEN WITH NO -INTENTIONS -ANNIHILATION BILL.
21. In the case of any eligible young gentleman being suspected of having no
22. One of a staff of properly qualified detectives
23. Shall interview him, and, if possible, so work upon his feelings 24. As to cause him to offer attentions to her:
25. Upon which she shall reveal the object of her errand, and denounce him
before the nearest Magistrate ;
26. When he shall, on being convicted of FLIRTATION WITHOUT ULTIMATE
MATRIMONIAL VIEws, be married by force to one of a staff of spinsters
specially retained by Government for that purpose. =_.'.
Woman's Rights. matter is the inferred objection to a Staffordshire man's right to thrash
his wife. Are women to be deprived of their privileges in the
MORE civilization in the Potteries:- Potteries because dogs won't delight to bark and bite, and men will?
At the Staffordshire Quarter Sessions to-day, Thomas Malkin was acquitted on
a charge of unlawfully wounding John Kelsall, at Fenton, in the Potteries, on the
5th of May. They took two dogs to fight, but the dogs played instead of fighting, Cutting the Connection
and then prisoner and prosecutor began to worry one another like dogs. The
prosecutor's lip was bitten by the prisoner. The defence was that prosecutor, who A YANKxEE paper says that the citizens of Bridport, in Connecticut,
was known to have thrashed his wife, began to bite first, gave a banquet to Barnum. It adds-" In deference to his tempe-
The prisoner and prosecutor, according to the report, behaved like dogs. rance principles, no liquors were served." Begging pardon, we think
But the dogs behaved like peaceable Christians, so the statement is a the liquors were served, and badly served. Barnum has made the
libel on the canine character. What strikes as as most strange in the world swallow things much stronger than whiskey I
IF'UJM T.-AUGUST 1, 1874. [
AN IMPORTANT MOTION.
Mr. Grouse, M.P.:-"I BEG TO MOVE THAT THIS HOUSE ADJOURN BEFORE THE
12th OF AUGUST."
[Cries of Bear, Hear.
AUGUST 1, 1874. FU NC 651
THE YOUNG PHILOSOPHER.
THE late lamented Mr. Jones
Was very dulcet in his tones.
He used to teach Geography
At.Prospect House Academy.
I. was his pupil as a child
And thought him rather weak and mild.
-My youthful spirit had a bent
For chemical experiment.
I found if ink was fed with chalk,
The fluid would get up and walk.
"Twas evident cretaceous placids
Disturbed the inky gallic acids.
.For when the chalky shower I drizzled,
The ink rose up at once and fizzled.
I thought that Jones would be content
To witness the experiment.
I put into that ink of his
Sufficient chalk to make it fizz.
He watched it calmly for a while,
Then turned with a benignant smile,
And said to me, Dear boy, I think
You put some chalk into my ink."
I gently drooped my dexter lid,
And said with conscious pride-" I did "
He said, Come hither, gentle lad! "
And then I felt a little bad.
Said Mr. Jones, in dulcet tones,
I'm going to break your little bones."
He firmly grasped his slender cane,
And, sighing, said it gave him pain.
I do not know how that might be-
I know it gave great pain to me.
He said when he withheld his hand,
Sit down "-but I preferred to stand.
And nothing to my mind atones
For those delusive ways of Jones.
I fancied nought could him provoke,
But he'revenged a simple joke.
He was a coward, to beguile
With dulcet voice, and gentle smile.
He was a coward, to attack
A little boy-behind his back.
TURNING THE SCALE.
PoPULAR writers will, we suppose, always be subject to be made the
victims of hoaxes. The latest instance is Mr. Frank Buckland.
Some ingenious impostor, who has cleverly caught his graphic if
erratic style, has palmed off on Land and Water an account of the
treatment of a number of parasite-infested fish in the Round Pond at
Kensington. It describes how the unfortunate creatures were first
bathed in carbolic acid, and finally scrubbed with tooth-brushes
rubbed in sand! Now we remember to have read a paragraph in
which Mr. Buckland-observed how carefully a fish must be restored to
the water lest the impact should injure the delicate film which covers
the scales, and he would, we feel sure, as soon think of treating a
scalded baby with red-hot curry-combs as of scouring a fish in the way
described. Our amphibious contemporary should be more careful how
it inserts communications not sufficiently authenticated.
A Criterion of Merit.
IF the gentleman who discovered that "gratitude is a sense of
favours to come" had only lived long enough, he might have met
some corroboration of his views in the advertising columns of the
Telegraph when they contained this:-
TreE LADY who travelled from Bedford to London by the Midland train on the
night of the 4th inst., can now MEET the GENTLEMAN who shared with
her the contents of his railway luncheon basket. She enjoys the recollection of
that pleasant meal, and would like to krr-.- < 1;. Ir-rt-n in another journey.
Will keep any appointment made at the ( i. i..' u i 1o i ..n i .
If we were in the habit of taking our luncheon at night- in these hard
times we take it when it is to be got-the Midland Railway would see
us often. What with Spiers aid Pond and Pullman, Mr. Allport is
quite a public benefactor. Bods and baskets, lunch and ladies-what
an age of progress this is to be sure !
TrEs :-Four p.m. by Westminster Clock.
Street'Arab (to passer-by) :-" PLEASE, SIR, TELL US WHAT'S O'CLOCK ? "
Passer-by :-" WHY, DON'T YOU HEAR IT'S STRIKING FOUR "
Street Arab:-"'OoRAY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN, THAT 'ERE 8HcooL
BOARD COvE CAN'T' NAB ME TO-DAY. 'OORAY "
Hang out our Banners.
THE Northern Ensign shows no sign of flagging. It is quite up to
the standard of excellence. This is its latest flourish. Long may it
Unusual pleasure on our space of matter that cannot lie over has compelled us
to crush out the two promised letters of Mr. Mackenzie, C.E., Toronto ; letters of
Glasgow and Dublin correspondents, two letters from Australia, and a large
quantity of local matter, for all of which we hope to find space in our next.
,Report of meetings of Baptist Association is crushed out for a week.
, The unusual pleasure would seem to have been whiskey, to judge
from its crushing effects! The Ensign had been dipping its staff too
deep in what a neighboring isle would call the crush-keen."
THE Times a week or two back contained the following official
CoNscIENCE MONEY.-The Chancellor of the Exchequer "acknowledges the
rece pt of the second half of a 10 note from X." for unpaid Income Tax; and
of 2d. from A. H." for conscience sake.
Well, it may be an instance of very indifferent taste, but after all we'd
rather have a bad conscience than a thing that could be satisfied for
twopence. The price of a pint! Ours never moves a muscle- and
properly constituted consciences have both muscles and mucous
membranes-under a sherry and bitters or a four of whiskey.
Ducks and Drakes.
A Ma. MALLARD, poor-rate collector, has been committed for trial
for embezzling one thousand five hundred pounds. This Mallard is a
duck-a lame duck just now-having played ducks and drakes with
52 FUP N. [AVGUST 1, 1874.
THE CLOSE OF THE SEASON.
THE SONG BIRDS AND STARS TAKE FLIGHT.
EACH PERSON TREATS HIS HOT WEATHER IN HIS OWN WAY.
THE MOST POPULAR TREATMENT TO THE BRITISH MIND.
A-PEEL TO THE CARELESS.
THtEsE idlers went smiling away to the West,
Away to the West from the East of town,
Each close in his fist had an orange compressed,
And they flung all the peel on the paving-stones down.
For surgeons must work, and patients must slip,
While there's spraining of ankle and fracture of hip,
Through the orange peel that's thrown in.
Three wives expected their husbands to tea,
And wondered what kept them so late in town;
They looked at the clock, and they thought it might be
That the train from the City had somehow broke down.
For men when late, tea women must keep,
For engines will muddle, and trains will creep,
Though no orange peel is thrown in!
Three cases lay in the accident ward-
In the accident ward, their distress to crown;
And the surgeons assistance we're faia to afford
To those who had fallen on orange peel down.
For men must fall, and women must weep,
While lads are careless and oranges cheap,
And the peel is the kennel thrown in !
The Trackless Waste.
THE Globe the other day indulged in an exhaustive leader on
Waste Paper." We unhesitatingly bow to all its assertions. We
know of no greater authority on the subject.
A POSSIBLE OUTING FOR BRITANNIA, SuEZ WAY.-To "take the
IRHE TRUE STORY OF TBE DOG AND DWARF.
F# THE editor sat in his padded room, and looked thoughtful. Around
him were strait-jackets, handcuffs. muzzles, and the various other
articles necessary for the maintenance of correct discipline among
sensation journalists. For though it is not generally known, we have
no hesitation in informing our readers that writers on the Delirium
often go temporarily insane over their own articles, during which time,
though their work is considerably improved, they require a deal of
attention. Originally only the contributional apartments were quilted,
but owing to a panic having once overspread the whole establishment
during the description of a popular outbreak; it was considered better
that every room should be treated- alike, from the proprietor's, sub-
proprietor's, and deputy sub-assistant proprietor's, downwards.
We have said that the editor looked thoughtful. He looked worse, for
hebihowed signs of recent weeping. This is totbe easily, accounted for
bythbefaet'tBat one of theheads of the-flrm ha'tbeen lately with him,
and= had given him a bit of his-mind. 'What was the use of keeping
an'editor if the paper"was to languishrfor want of excitement ? Why
was it thatrno-effort"had been madeto keep up the circulation ? It
was nornse Sitting there waiting for -news to comd-in, they didn't pay
himzthree pounds a'week for that; anyone, could wait; they :wanted
credive'-faculty, and what they paid for they'd -have, or the usual
waels'smotiL.e wIj..,L tih6 remuit. T'Proi-dncethad jluy given the-m
:hbe~ wer to wnte they'd hare.given the beggars somethingt-'a it
wastbeny .paid iA4.hers.to do the work, and-the value snst, be forth-
N']io swondek.he-editori looked,-sadlnd'as'bhe toyed'abataactddl'with
a piece of irsochainm sed'io coAtiol thelpitorial deceptive writer's
outbursts, a- sense otiais'itter iutshlityto lpe witWthe reqeirat4stts
of the present'daysaole'ove- him; fndithe thought f -the 'happy days
gone by, 'hen gvsth-'ande;garn mon, gas, gltare, and -gibberish-were 'all
that was desired, and Wieen a-eIader consisting of ninety lines of
introductionuiand 'ten 'lines- of subject -was reganrdd as'the essence'oE
Delirious Journalism, proving too :mch for him, a tear r6Ui.d geitily
down -his cheek:and he felt himself again-a boy. An-trrand boy, frem
which position he had been promoted.
-But as he toyed with the "chain a Bsuddenighit'bioke, "er his
expressive features. An idea had crossed-is massive e brow, and,
chucdkes: came thiek and fast as he evolvelit'from'hisi ter conscious-
ness. Once nrorc was he equal'to-the occasion; onee-more should
England know that he had done 'his duty! 'Men might come, and
men might go, but he'd flow on for ever It will be seen by this that
the idea was some time obtaining coherency; but eventually he was
fixed, firm, and determined. When the struggle with his inmost soul
was over, he crossed the room, and struck the gong twice, each stroke
sounding loud, clear, and distinct. This was the signal for two special
reporters,, and in an instant two of the specialist stood before him. As
the editor closed and locked the door they knew that some great task
was looming in the immediate future.
An hour has gone by, and now we will once again look in-upon the
editor's room. Little Jim, the reporter, is sitting busy writing at the
table, his lace sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and his eye
beaming with conscious intelligence. A pot of beer and three pipes
are on the table, accompanied by a half ounce of shag, but for the
present they form part of the scene being described, and though he
thirsts much, and a pipe would he grateful, he must not touch till the
act now going on is over.
Why is he excited? Why does he shake the chain which controls
him in ecstacy P Why do two other chains rattle, then strain to their
full tension, and why do sharp gasps go up from his companions ?
Ah, why ? Is this part of the editor's idea ? It is. Listen.
The editor and the other reporter are on the ground each fastened
with his chain. They make faces at each other and pretend to bite,
to scratch, and fight. The editor who is wonderfully versatile, gives
off sharp barks like a dog, while his opponent says, "I'm Quilp, I'm
Quilp, I'm Quilp." In fact they are imitating a picture in Master
Humphrey's Clock," Original Edition, Vol I., page 211, which
happened to catch the editor's eye when he was sitting, sad and solemn,
as already mentioned. Little Jim is describing the battle as original,
with emendations, additions, and plenty of local colour, and as his
ready pen drops in the full particulars, the editor and the other
Reporter play their parts admirably.
At last the work is over, the story is told, the porter pot circulates
briskly, the chains are undone, the strait-waistcoats put away, and the
copy nearly ready for the printers.
Where shall I say it was ? said little Jim, as he put in the final
"Oh, Hanwell, of course, just the proper place," said the editor.
And all would have been well, had it not been for the cursed
perversity, of a black-country compositor who wish .d to immortalise
his native place, and who therefore put it Hanley.
THE AGE OF ROMANCE.
WITHIN'the populous City's bound,
In W., N., E., or S.,
A man named Smith there will be found,
Though what he's like I cannot guess.
And in the postal districts great
That occupy this busy town,
You will discover, soon or late,
A person of the name of Brown.
-Moreover inithe cab-fare zones,
-From Oharing Cross as centre struck,
One who describes himself as Jones
You're sure to-meet *ith, if you've luck.
And I am told withinvlhei ,n.e.
Of hearing -of the loud. Big-Ben,
A youth, called Rb&ibfri6& change,
Exists among-the sontofmnen.
I know them niot-have ne'er enjoyed
Of one, mayh'ap, a passing glance :-
-But say not that 'iue age is void,
While they'-exist, of all romance!
'When Caesarl4'l is legions o'er
To strive with'British pluck and pith,
- There perished oiithe outraged shore
A Druid of thftame of Smith.
When Harold lost1the fatal day,
-Ad smitten through the brain-sank Iftn,
The man'acress'whose legs he lay
Was that d4earted hero, Brown.
'When John, the Kne., At Runnymead,
-Signed Mrgn Ctiarul, to his l0ss;
'As witness to the act aind debd
Did Baren JJones 'tacth hinscss.
-Ad-wheiirfreomA giueourt's red- plain
Thb roolned troops of France retired,
'Bedded on heaps of foemen slain,
Three separate Robinsons expired.
No! For the age I've no alarms.
Still bright shall glow Romance's fires;
While Herald's College finds our arms,
And Wardour-street our pictured sires!
S'asfonm to (nrnsatabts,
[ cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, uxiess they are accn.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and v do sat hold ounekws
responsible for loss.]
J. G. (Foley-street).-That sort of thing is done to death, and is very
easily compounded with the aid of the theatrical announcements.
L. (Islington) says he occasionally dabbles in comic copy." To judge
from sample, he had better dabble in water, which is quite as innocuous
and more refreshing.
As OBSERVER should have confined her observations within limits
more reasonable than the bulk of a three-volume novel. We cannot
pretend to wade through such lengthy MS.
M. (Charlton Abbots).-If you had told the Flying Man you would irrite
his epitaph he would probably have avoided the calamity.
E. H. H.-Utterly illegible.
SAX.-Sketch was declined. The paragraph you send is not incorrect.
WooDcuTTER.-Not first chop at comic copy. Yours should be graver
CIAuIDE.-Not up to the scratch.
DONE Scorus.-We are sorry you have lost the last Rae of hope.
COMET.--We don't require your comic tail, and your envelope videe
Mr. Lockyer) should have been stamped and directed according to our
GammomN.-They have been published by Routledge.
Declined with thanks:-A. H., Edinburgh; G., Liverpool; S. T.; J.,
Westminster; J. L. V.; F. T. K. F., Brighton; W. B., Chelsea; T., Ealing;
L., Leadenhall-streot; R. H., Hornsey-road; G. L. M.; N. H., Lewes;
Gamon," Liverpool; R. B., Newcastle-on-Tyne; T., Highbury; Warder;
F. S., Walworth; D., Leeds; N. C. T.; Have you seen, the Comet;" J.
J., Dublin; M., Camberwell; H.-H., Wakefield; The Hanley Dawg; L.C.,
Clapham-road; Fig, Margate; L., Brighton; A Regular Reader; Dicky
Sam; H. G., Manchester; Leo; J.'A. P., Cheltenham; Aun Inquirer; J. C.,
Wimbledon; F., Leicester; Carraway; G, ,Bbdtdin, Pete? .Aimaple; 0. EL,.
AvousT 1, 1874.]
[AUGUST 1, 1874.
"MOST MUSICAL, MOST MELANCHOLY"
Mrs. Gushington Parvenu:-" VERY NICE. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT PIECE, DEAR?"
Niece :-" ITS A SONATA, AUNT."
Mrs. G. P.: (who imagines she detects something of the Italian in the title) :-" AH, YES, DELIGRTFUL. IT'S CONSIDERED A VBft FINE
OPERA TOO, IS IT NOT, DEAR "
WE reopen our review of the magazines to hold out a hand to M.
Rochefort's Lanterne. We do not share or approve his opinions
generally but we respect his talent and power of satire, while we despise
the ingratitude of the nation which he so greatly helped to free from
Imperial' abuses, and regret that at a time when, as an escaped exile,
he came to England with nothing but his pen and his title (not of
nobility but of the periodical in question), he should have been
anticipated by the publication in England of a magazine bearing the
name. M. 'Rochefort is unfortunate in his English translator, who is
too literal to do justice to his wit, which in the original has lost none
* of its old "pungency. We have seldom read a cleaner stroke of irony
* than the recital 6f how, when he was arrested, one of the charges
,against him was that there were found among his papers portraits of-
himself! We. may add, too, that if he can establish the truth of his
assertion that the surgeon who so carefully treated the diportes on the
Government ship en route for New Caledonia, was retired because he
had not lot his patients die, he will strike a terrible blow at the French
We have received Lippiacott's agasine and The International Review
so late in the month that we can only say that they belong to the
class of American periodicals, which our publications of a similar kind
would do well to imitate. The writers of the various articles append
their names to them, and have no reason to be ashamed to do so, as
contributions: are inserted on their merits, and what we call
"padding "-cheap rubbish, used to balance the excessive prices paid
for often inferior serials by well-advertised novelists-is entirely un-
knowi. Few of our magazines can publish the names of their
writers, and-those that do, London society for instance, seldom benefit
either themselves or the authors who are thrown in as make-
NOTICE !-On Wednesday next, August 5th,
GREAT MARGATE DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN,
Thanet Record, and Chronicle of all t.e Ulobrities.
PLENTIFULLY ILL8TIATaD,-OAi PAinNY.
CROSBY'S BALSAMIC COUGH EliXIl DR. ARO f T
p iallyreo ended by reveal eminent physician, adby Dr. Q ORE0l, A A N T I -i L N .
most signal'suceds. for '&sthma, Bronehitid, Consumption, Cdughs, Influenza, 4L hoa Dish Ro "re AniI& ancet hu p"along l ie, shod
numt- "M t 'Sweats, Spitting of Blood,' Shortn ess of Breath, and. all. read Dr. Rooke a Auti L MIcet," or, "~ A dy Guide
a=nf the .rt and Cbest. to Domentic le ctciz,' oh'ch .bV 4d -Vrdie fromja ahy
gold W bottles at is. 9d, 4s. sd., and le. ewh by all respectable Chdenists, and Chemist, orpost fre front Dr. Rodko Scarborough. Opnoerding this
iolesal~by J*A. Xt. CROSBY, :Chemist,' Ssrboongh ... '..
*. iaftlids shonid read Coeas's Prize Treatise on Diseases of the 1book, which contains 14S paggs ThB6later4eaLe t.UA2tTi, 81arian
em I sngs;and Air Vessels," a copy of which; oan be had graf of all Knowles, obsrvd :-"It a e kh to r ina ap
hedb ut CO., who can read and oank." a 1. 1
Pritead by 3VTDD & CO., Phemiz Works ,8t. Andrew's BB1, Do Cnes' nons, asil Pablhebd (for t' Proprietor) at so, 1feg' ~ .-E. nAng 1.7
AUOUST 8, 1874.]
THE CORRECT TIP.
Swell :-" A, I DESSAY YOU'RE NOT A G. T. ; Er, BOATMAN F"
Boatman :-" EH, sIR ?"
Swell:-" A GOOD TEMPLAR, I MEAN."
Boatman :-" THAT I AM, SIR,-WHEN I CAN'T GET NOTHING TO DRINK."
Swell:-" AND WHEN YOU CAN?"
Boatman:-" I'M STILL A G. T., SIR. (With a sly wink.) GOOD TIPPLER THEN, SIR.'
IN vain you tempt my steps to stray,
Red Lion, Crown, or Dragon.
On such a hot and sultry day
I ask no foaming flagon.
For me, nor mug, nor fiery flask
Can tempt with visions vistal;-
One cup of coffee's all I ask,
And water pure as crystal-
Et point du vin-
Un Mazagrin, et plein, plein, plein !
No beer can ever quench the thirst,
And spirits give you 'fever.
Iced drink, though it seems cool at first,
Of heat is no reliever.
Champagne ? Oh, no I'm not a fool.
My drink is something humbler,
A'cup of coffee, water cool,
And blended in a tumbler-
Et point du vin-
Un Mazagrin, et plein, plein, plein !
Bordeaux or Burgundy may pass,
And so may port or sherry,
In cooler hours-consult the glass,
It's rising quickly, very !
The mercury is just about
The hundred and the twenty!-
My coffee quickly pour me out,
And add cold water plenty-
Et point du vin-
Un AMazagrin, et plcin, plein, plein !
Of all refreshing draughts I know,
It is the most refreshing;-
It calms the hot blood's fiery glow,
Without the brain enmeshing.
It brings the Boulevards back again,
Their calds gay and cheerful,
Before the Prussian's iron chaiu
Made Paris sad and tearful.
Et point du vin-
A bas Bismarck, au fond du Rhin !
Fox and Goose.
IN an account of Colonel Lane Fox's collection, now exhibited at the
Bethnal Green Museum, the Globe describes-
A musical instrument" which we cannot but think must have been the origin
of the Scotch bagpipes. It is a little whistle with a bag attached to it. By
pressing the bag under the arm a noise was produced which was employed for the
alluremeut of ducks and geese.
It adds, with all the conscious pride of knowledge, that no goose in its
senses is likely to be attracted by the modem development of the
contrivance On the question of what geese like or dislike we shall
not venture to differ with the practical personal experience of a writ .
on the Globe.
56 12 NiK (A~ut.~ 8,S71
Tall Gent. :-" Go Fro A SAIL ? LOOK 'ERE, I'LL GO IF YER TAKE ME FOR NOrHINK!"
Boatman :-" WOT ELSE D'TER S'POSE I TAKES YER FOR ?"
THE CORDIAL UNDERSTANDING.
A TRAoGEDY or MARGATE. IN THREE ACTS.
ACT I.-TIME: Noon. SCENE: The Tetty.
Ml. BRowN.-Wonderful place Margate, sir ?
MR. JONES.-Yes, sir, very. Only in its infancy yet, sir. Peculiar
property in the air of Margate, which makes everybody feel at
home with everybody else. So Margate is bound to become popu-
aR. BRowN.-Perhaps you're right. Now I thought the peculiarity
of the air of Margate was that the saline particles permeated the entire
corporeal system of visitors, and with the aid of sea-bathing made them
thirsty. That was my opinion, sir.
MR. Joxas.-That may be partly the cause, sir. What I was
speaking of was the effect. And you must please remember, sir, that
the thirst set up by the saline particles and the sea-bathing naturally
leads to a desire for its appeasement. Its appeasement must come by
means of drinking, and drinking makes everybody feel at home with
everybody else, as I said just now. So you see, sir, we are bound to
arrive at the same conclusion though we go by different routes.
MR. BRowN.-Sir, you have proved your case so completely that I
vote we retire to my hotel and drink to the prosperity of Margate and
the cordial understanding which it seems shall always exist among its
visitors. Allow me to present you my card, sir.
MR. JoNES.-I will exchange cards with you, sir. [Exeunt to hotel.
ACT II.-TIME : Two o'clock. SCENE : Brown's Hotel.
MR. BRowN.-Mr. Jones, allow me once more to shake you by the
hand. You're a man after my own heart. Bless you, bless you. I
wish I had known you earlier in life.
MR. JoNEs.-And so do I. Bless you also very much. And now
you must come round to my hotel, or I shall not consider the cordial
understanding properly cemented. [Ezeunt to Jones's hotel.
ACT III.-TI s: Four o'clock. SCENE: Jones's Hotel.
Ma. BRowN.-Jonesh, feel ash if'd known y'all merlife-g'delth,
MR. JONES.-Br'n' yr jolly g'd fier and so s'all of us. Hip, hip,
hip. Le's 'v nurrer boll. Come on ole f'ler.
[Enter police who remove both carefully to slow music.
YEARS ago, in my days of school,
I fell in a fury t.ice an hour.
(Years ago I was half a fool,
And foolery made and kept me sour.)
Riper and wiser age has brought
This axiom, simple and yet sublime;
Nothing is worth one angry thought,
For loss of temper is loss of time.
All experience tends to teach
The best and the worst of mortal men,
How the limits of life will reach
Only to threescore years and ten.
Life is made of a million parts,
And waste of life is a kind of crime.
Why these passionate fits and starts,
Since loss of temper is loss of time ?
I've my enemies, Goodness knows-
Who can exist without a few ?
Secret slanderers, open foes ;
Ready for all that spite can do.
Let them chatter from dawn till eve;
By day or by night, from chime to chime.
I hold my peace, for I still believe
That loss of temper is loss of time,
AuOusT 8, 1874.]
MEMS. OF MARGATE.
1. Pla-cardiac Affections.--2 The Fort; a new view.--3. Distance lens enchantment.---4. A spectacle, and a pair of goggles.-- 5. A Compton't Official.--
6. Spots on the Sun Speckle-ations on Daughters, rather.--7. Singers.--8. Sanger's.
581 1 [AVGUST 8, 1874.
A MARGATE MELODY.
I LoVE it for its yellow sand,
Its cliffs of chalk, its merry band
Of sea-side trippers;
4-> -h But most I love the place for those-
My Arabella's tiny toes
In neat buff slippers.
I do not heed the sands, the caves,
"The sailing boats, the dancing waves,
The crowds of dippers;
2 IMy eyes incessantly pursue
i _That pair of tiny tootsies two
In neat buff slippers.
SATThe boatmen hint without avail
S- It's just the morning for a sail-
SLet those be shippers
Who love the home of sprats and shrimps,
And do not care to catch a glimpse
Of those buff slippers.
AntPif-3e v.c. dri'e out d eo For me, I scorn your sprats and dabs,
o I ps e d e st to M~r_~ -Y Your prawns and lobsters, shrimps and
., e e fr s p o crabs
r.N'.V. tAl, .'R. -.- g,, vau .With threatening nippers;
S\ whilee just beyond the line of foam
I see my Arabella roam
-- a-In neat buff slippers.
i-vinNAmong the sea-weed as they glance,
The sand-hoppers before them dance;
Oh, should not I be charmed to lay
O My heart before them in the way-
.Those dear buff slippers!
Why even men who are not prone
F R AG M ENT To be demonstrative, must own
To be disered 4.. 074. They're rippers- clippers.
S S If she'd be mine-ecstatic bliss,
SUPPOSED TO HkAVE oRsMEnD PART OF A FEISZE S EnonTI-G THE "STATIO -IIoUS" OR I'd kneel upon the sand and kiss
"HALh or JUsTIeC" OF TE r pxEIOD. Those sweet buff slippers
FUY OFFICB, I A 5 74 judge; but it is a novelty and a sensation, and as a Fire Brigade is one
of the newest improvements, it might not be impossible to utilise the
MAR G ATE. engine as a luggage-van. As for attraction and amusements, there are
ACROSTicALLY CoasxxDsrn. enough to satisfy the most exigent mind. Messrs. Sanger have a
menagerie at the Hall-by-the-Sea, the concert and ball room of which
'mRRY Margate, full of mirth, is ably managed by Mr. Arthur Reeve, while Mr. Fort offers excellent
A 1aadmit that you are jolly, entertainment at the Theatre Royal. A week or two at Margate,
h atnning o'er with harmless folly; either in lodgings or in the more comfortable shape of a stay at the
Gaiety in you finds berth, Royal York, the White Hart, or the Pier Hotel, is abetter prescription
A nd drives out dull melancholy. for the jaded Londoner than oceans of quinine and tons of iron. Let
T hereforeI your praise declare him sit to Mr. Byrne of High Street, or Mr. Goodman on the Fort
E verywherp-oh, everywhere! for his photograph on his arrival, and he will feel a necessity to sit
X urky London makes us sad. again in his sunburnt face on leaving to be sure of his identity.
And -we fly in search of revels,
E ambling o'er your sandy levels;YOUTH AND SORROW.
G iving for a season, glad, YOUTH AND SORROW.
A farewell to all-blue devils; TIME flies, so laughing Youth declares,
T therefore we your praises sing With wings so swallow-fast,
Everywhere for everything. That happy moments unawares
X any places may invite .. Scarce come ere they are past.
A nd hold prospects out enchanting, And Sorrow gazing through its tears,
R ides and drives as lovely vaunting- Repeats the burden sore,
Give us Margate for delight, For grief compresses in two years
A nd for right-down pleasant jaunting. The trouble of a score.
T therefore we your praises pen Youth, trifling with its downy chin,
B very how-and where-and when. Professes to discern
o- How bristles mar the tender skin
TEREa are few places within reach of London that offer so many Before it is its turn.
attractions for the holiday-seeker, jaded by his long, toil in town, as And Sorrow shakes a silvering pow,
merry Margate. And every year with a proper pride in. its And ventures to deplore
capabilities, and a public spirit which other watering-places might That grief should two short years endow
emulate with advantage, it takes pains to increase its attractions, and With grey hairs of a score.
refuses to rest satisfied with the success it has already achieved. This Youth mourns too quickly vanished sport,
year it has laid the foundations for an aquarium, under the manage- And holds it grievous wrong
ment of Mr. Taylor, and has started a four-horse coach, The Enter- That Time should cut the hours so short
prise, established and driven by military officers, between the town For mirth, and dance, and song.
and the famous old City of Canterbury, whose cathedral is one of the But Sorrow sighs with weary breast,
finest ecclesiastical edifices in England. Whether the cab-strike may And longs that day were o'er,
be considered an unmixed benefit for travellers who have to convey And after two years seeks the rest,
their luggage from the station as best they can, we do not profess to That should come at the score.
F'ITJN.-AuUCIST 8, 1874.
MARGATE MAGNETS AND MAGNATES.
AUGUST 8, 1874.] FU N 63
THE MOLESTED WINKLE.-A TALE OF MARGATE.
1. "Can't get a moment's peace on yer own beach, my dearI" said a reflective 3. And sell him to that unsuspecting Cobkney,
winkle to his intended. Here's another Cockney 1" .. s 4. Who swallowed him-and left by the next train, and was never heard of
2. So that winkle poisoned himself and bribed a passing fisherman to boil him, more.
GUID)E T\O XARGATE Column in Sky-street, *which column is itself an object of no mean
LGUIDE TO MARGATE. interest. Erected in 1821 to commemorate the plague which depopu-
BY ONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN THERE. lated the place during the previous, year, it took its name from the
I ..I. I.. T' ,' *:'" spiral" staircase by which you ascend, for a shilling, or two shillings
MABoATE was founded by the Earl of Mar, in the reign of B. Mary, if your wish to go up is very earnest: it was called the Spiral Column,
though.there was a pop.shop there in the time of Boadicea the Ready. but that wasn't good enough for. the Margatians,- who are nothing if
There was also a bookstall there as lately as -1864, in which year I not anatomical; and Spinal it had;:to be.. Stand on the summit of
ordered from it "The Book of Dunces." I shall never forget the this, with your back to the town, and thaeisual prospect is pleasing.
glow of gratified ambition which overspread me like a flush of yellow The prospect of getting back to your hotel is not sozsatisfactory ; for
fever as I found a whole chapter devoted to myself and my works, in descending the spiral -staircaso you acquire adotary motion which
and all the rest of the volume blank except the author's name in the impels you, after emerging, round.and round in- ever-widening circles,
title page Since then I have had the honour of extended mention until you are run in by the: constabulary f. some distant village. It
in the Saturday Review as a Minor Poet," but nothing has ever given is.,when, in obedience to this. eccentric, impulse, you are thrusting
me the exact degree of satisfaction that I then felt. Is it notmatural yourself through hedges, -clambering over, glass-topped walls, and
that I should nourish tender sentiments towards the town, and in my incurring bites from guardian dogs, that you execrate the whale who
feeble way seek to wreak my gratitude upon it ? interfered with that original arrangement of the streets which would
Margate was planned by the successor to the eminent engineer who have made it easier for you. I have known this circular tendency to
laid out William Rufus, ever so long before. As originally built it take such strong hold on the senses of visitors to Margate, that for
had but one street, beginning at the beach and coiled concentrically, some days after their return to London their heads would spin like a
like the spring of a watch, about the Guildhall; but one day a whale frugal housewife of the olden time. Of course I cannot positively
took the outer end of this thoroughfare in his teeth and put to sea, swear it was not the whisky.
reeling off mile after mile of it, and finally dragging the town across There was once at argate a pier, or jetty, where the steamers
to the French coast where it was wrested from him. It is called landed. It was a famous place to catc h cold, and was always
Calais, Callice, or Callay, just as you like. It was thought advisable thronged with all manner of people-idlrs, ca ournalists, pretty girls,
to construct the present town on a different principle, and not give any and such-like trash. All this is done away with now. Last summer,
to the inhabitants.
Tohe ancient monuments of Margate are few in number, ut wint- when it was crowded as usual, the jetty fell with a tremendous plash,
The ancient monuments of imargate a re few in numbe or, but inte- and the waves engulfed all but my informant, who was pulled out by
resting ; the best of the lot are in the old churchyard of St. Scarab"us
thaeBlaco.rThat erected above the remains of Sir Henry thompson, a fisherman and came immediately home without stopping to lean the
the Black. exact magnitude of the disaster. Others have asserted that the jetty
the inventor of cremation, is one of the most rarely beautiful works of did not fall; but it does not seem reasonable to suppose my friend
antiquity. Notice particularly the significant antithetic device on the would have abandoned it if he had thought it perfectly secure, parti-
eastern front of the pedestal, representing a mangy squirrel burying a celarly as he was not at the time in a condition to swim. Perhaps
nut, and regarded with profound contempt by an angel roasting a there has been a fresh jetty erected; I don't know.
joint. The inscription Ow'll you 'ave it?" is comparatively
modern, and was added by the Vicir of WTapping. Inside the church Don't miss seeing the Husband's Boat. This remarkable freak of
may be seen the font in which, when it stood in Westminster Abbey, Nature is situated on the crown of a high hill at the back of the town.
Henry VIIi. used to try to get his wives off his hands. It has been It consists of two rocks in such a position that, viewed from a certain
rather greasy ever since, but is much admired, point, they resemble a church. Nothing can exceed the impressive
For a long time Margate shared with Avignon the distinction of grandeur of this stupendous object when seen. It is called the
having an opposition Pope. In the High-street you will be shown- Husband's Boat because married men are in the habit of going up
for sixpence if you know the place, or a half-crown if you can't find there to cut their throats in peace, no woman being able to reach the
it yourself-a little half-timbered house with a Norman door, where spot; and because it is customary for other married men to wish
Inclement IL. passed the best years of his life clothing a fish with themselves "in the same boat."
scale-armour made from the toe-nails of saints whom he had first put The people of Margate are a simple folk, with a written language,
to death and then canonized. This fish is now in the Brighton the literature of which consists largely of bills, threats of solicitors,
Aquarium, as lively and playful as anything; and its descendants are and letters from the fathers of young ladies asking what your inten-
served up daily at the Margate hotels, the scales reverently un- tions are, when, of course, you have none. The town has been three
disturbed, but all the other parts removed. This is not true of all times destroyed by fire, 'and once by a comet. There is an earth-
the hotels, but the sordid mind whose business it is to garble this quake on for next week.
article may be trusted--must be trusted-to point out the excep- And now I will tell you a little story about the Seven Bottle-Nosed
tions. Whales of Chantilly, and how they came into a large property.
The finest view is to be obtained from the top of the Spinal [Next week, perhaps; certainly not now.-ED. FUN.]
64 FUN. [AUGoT 8, 1874.
/k\,, -'-:; -
Jti ;a:-" YES, DEAR, YOU KNOW YOU WERE ON THE FORT FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS, SPOONING WITH CHARLIE SMITHSON; BUT I
CAN SEE A FALSE, DECEITFUL FLIRT IN TOUR FACE !
Bella--"INDEED, LOVE! I NEVER KNEW BEFORE THAT tMY FACE WIS A LOOKING-GLASS."
DOTS AND LINES.
PARLIAMENT adjourns. Having done nothing all the Session, it will
apply itself with renewed energy to continuing to do nothing. = Mr.
Disraeli confesses he cannot understand his own Endowed Schools'
Bill. And yet he has read Lothair = General Massacre of the Inno-
cents. Most of the Innocents were also Imbeciles, so it doesn't
matter. = Baronetcy for the Lord Mayor and Knighthoods for the
Sheriffs. As a reward for civic. Czaremonies. = New French Cabinet.
With a cupboard-love for the cause of Legitimate Royalty. = Carlists
rather successful in Spain. Likely to get their heads punched by
Germany. Verdict: Sarve 'em right. = Dog and Dwarf Fight still
an undiscovered mystery. "Physic" merely a Peterborough-court-esy
title. = Dizzy has been oratically busy. Also elocutionally fizzy.
= Mr. Bright epistolates on Temperance. Rather throws cold water
on the Permissive noodles. = The Dunmow Flitch festival is to be
perpetrated this year. They had better save their Baconian philoso-
phy. = Dr. Kenealy is indisposed, and so the benchers' inquiry is
postponed. Perhaps it will come off when be is disposed. = Collision
at sea. Loss of a ship near Australia. Destruction of Liverpool
landing stage. Excursion season sets in with unusual severity.
Throw Physic to the Dogs.
PEOPLE are beginning to doubt the truth of the Telegraph's sensation
fight between Brummy and Physic. It is asserted that instead of the
dwarf being injured, it was the British public that was bitten!
THE Lord Mayor has incurred the displeasure of the Weekly
Dispatch, which must of course take a good deal of the gloss off the
Baronetcy he has just received. To be honoured by the Queen is
something; but to fall under the lash of an influential weekly paper
because you did not ask it to the Mansion House banquet to Literature
and Art is a terrible infliction. Not only does the Corporation suffer,
but the English language comes in for a little mauling, for we are told
that the Marquis de Caux-
Held a post of consideration in the equinial department of the late French
There is a somewhat ponderous sportiveness in the invention of the
word equinial" which reminds us of the passage in Milton where
The unwieldy elephant
To make them mirth used all his might and wreathed
His lithe proboscis.
Still we think the next time we are indulged with elephantianial"
gambols we might have something less-shall we say asininial"-
WE observe that the School Board, which seems very anxious to
be one of too many cooks, has commissioned Mr. Tegetmeier to
prepare a shilling cookery book. We imagine that an excellent
receipt for pigeon-pie will be one of the chief features of the work.
AUGUST 8, 1874.] FU N 65
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 384.
THERE'S a place by the sea,
Where, happy and free,
For a jolly day, holiday, off we shall be.
And there in the street
We shall certainly greet
Many good friends who are there for a treat.
1. When enjoying your trip
And having a dip,
You will find that a nip-
Just a wee, little sip-
Should moisten your lip
Ere the waves in you skip.
2. A shrimp or prawn
Should just be drawn
Out of the water and eaten at dawn,
Before it's aware its vitality's gone.
3. I1 shall take upon the sand a
Little stroll with my Amanda.
4. With their collars, reins, and traces,
Nan and Billy take their places,
And quite easily contrive
To take baby for a drive.
5. 1 gave her a ring on the jetty,
She called it remarkably pretty.
Its posy be.
6. The sun upon the sands
Has browned my face and hands.
7. This shell of late
Contained a skate,
Which now has left i to its fate.
SOLUTION or AcnoSTIC, No 382.-Gomet, North:
Clan, Olibo, Mouser, Extract, TLatch.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC, No. 382, received 30th July :
-Ozone; Jim; Gosberton Partridges; Ruby's Ghost; Sara; A
Little Fog Bird; Hart; M. A. P.; Pollaky; Guilac; Northover ;
Oxford Joe; B. 0. H.; Zoological Dido; Somersetshire Duffer;
W. W. G. W.; Brice; Spheroid.
A CONTEMPORARY states that "a-female child was
lately born in La Crosse, Wis., with two tongues." How
the rest of her sex must envy her But who will be
bold enough to marry her ?
'Arry :-"WHAT. D'YER SAY, BILL, TO SOME GRUB? I FEEL JOLLY
PECKISH DOWN HERE AT MARGIT."
Bill :-" MARGIT IT AIN'T MARGIT; IT'S MARGATE !"
'Arry (who possibly may have been taken to task before) :-" WELL, ALL
RIGHT, OLD FELLOW, I KNOW; I SUPPOSE I DIDN'T HASPIRATE THE H! "
Sg% stauts to 0=4sta"Isays'
(We cannot return unaccepted 3885'. or Sketches, unless they are accost-
panied by a stamped and directed enrekave, and we do not hold ouysellsa
responsible for loss.]
REx.-Too many wrecks already.
C. T. (Turnham-green).-It may be, on the other hand it may not.
WVe really forget.
H. C. S. (Islington).-The MS. was returned. We cannot be responsible
for delays of post.
(Newcastle-on-Tyne).-If you will give a signature like a dozen
leeches playing at being forked lightning, we don't see how we can answer
you more distinctly.
A. F. W.- Thanks. It is impossible always to prevent such frauds.
If we can discover the sender's name we will publish it.
Declined with thanks.-J. M., Glasgow; A Bibber; H, Constantinople;
W., Camberwell; T. H., Liverpool; S. D.; A., Leeds; N. T., Highgate;
Huz and Buz; K., Sutton; An Actor who Can't Draw; Villikins; H. J.,
Leamington; R., Walworth; S. T., Liverpool; Constant Reader.
At Sixes and Sevens I
THE Saturday Bevieto takes Switzerland under its wing very often,
probably because those who write for it are just the sort of people who
would climb Alps and think it clever. In a recent article it makes
this startling statement:-
The new law still gives the election of the judges to the Federal Assembly, and
as for their term of office, it simply extends it from three years to six. This is of
course an improvement, in so far as three years are longer than six, and also
because something is gained by the mere fact that the tribunal will outlive the
Assembly which elected it.
But if three years are longer than six, how much longer than six will
twice three years be ? Or to put it more simply, how long.are the two
ears of the writer of the article ?
THE SILLY TO HIS SACKBUT.
A POEM FOR PENNY READINGS.
O'er worlds prevail;
The comet dances
With fulvous tail;
And viewless schisms
Still shake the chain;
While cyclics flaccid
A void create;
And steep in -acid
While a polysyllable
Whirls through space;
While acres tillable
While rubrics whistle
Behind the plough;
And wreaths.of thistle
Deck slumber's brow;
While clouds of butter
The years enslave,
I still will utter
The thoughts that rave.
[AUGUST 8, 1874.
A -LITTLE TANGLED.
.Polite Coifelur:-" WELL, MUM, IT is CUR'US, BUT THE 'UMAN 'AIR AND THE SEA HAIR DON'T SEEM TO 'IT IT HOFF
THE DOG AND DWARF STORY.
WE have received a vast amount of correspondence on the subject
of the exhaustive account of a dog and dwarf fight, which appeared in
our last number, and which we are proud to discover has led to some
little excitement among dogs and dwarfs generally. Several dogs
have been observed hanging suspiciously round the office during the
past week, and quite a coruscation of dwarfs has enlightened our
editorial sanctum. The dogs on receipt of paunch have gone on their
various ways rejoicing; the dwarfs we have kept with a view to
future articles and a positive certainty as to which is the right one
selected. We keep them in boxes, labelled, so that there shall be no
error, and ope chest marked Brummy is, for obvious reasons, double
locked, with policemen guarding the very airholes. With regard
to the letters, we can only say that we have a boy constantly pouring
out porter for the use of perspiring postmen who deposit packets
punctually every five minutes. We have, unfortunately, not room for
all the letters our kind readers have sent us, but we have selected a
few which will undoubtedly prove that the suspicions entertained with
regard to the bond fides of our correspondent, and the capital made out
of his inability to find his way back to the scene of the battle, are due
to short-sightedness on the part of suspectors and capitalists. We will
commence with one from Margate:-
Dog and Duck Hotel, Margate.
Sra,-I have been struck by the statement made by your elegant as
well as Own Commissioner as to his inability to discover his way back
to the scene of the fight he so truthfully and graphically described. Sir,
the mere fact of his being unable to discover the house on a second
visit proves to me that his description was genuine, and the cleverness
lies in his having found out the place at a time when his presence was
so urgently requested. What would be the good of his now placing his
hand upon the individual who upon that eventful occasion stood on
that threshold, smoking that pipe, and saying to him, Thou art that
man !" Would it undo the fact that a dwarf and a dog competed for
success amid the howls of the uneducated and the demoralisation of
the drunken? Would the dog be whitewashed, and could you in
future by it persuade the dwarf to take other Physic ? And with this
proof, sir, that the fight did really take place, I beg to ask you in
return for it,- Who fought the monkey in the dusthole ? Awaiting your
reply, I am, sir, your obedient servant, CIIARLES GREENT.
SIR,-I read your Commissioner's article with great interest, for I
have been long conscious in my own mind that something has been
wrong here. I am, unfortunately, not able to help your correspondent
with the name of the street or the number of the house in which the
fight took place; but I am none the less confident that it did, and I
can offer corroborative evidence. I was walking the other day in the
outskirts of Hanley, and I actually saw two men divested of some of
their clothing running a footrace, and at least thirty people looking
on. Can anyone after this deny that the fight took place ? I should
think not, and therefore I am, yours, &c. WIDEAWAKE.
P.S.-You are at liberty to use this argument. I have also sent it
to a daily contemporary.
CROSBY'S BALSAMIC COUGH ELIXIR
TS specially recommended by several eminent physicians, and by Dr. RO OKE,
Scarborough, author of the ANTI-LANCET." It has been used with the
most signal success for Asthma, Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza,
Consumptive Night Sweats, Spitting of Blood, Shortness of Breath, and all
affections of the Throat and Chest.
Sold in bottles at Is. 9d., 4s. 6d., and ls. each, by all respectable Chemists, and
wholesale by JAS. M. CROSBY, Chemist, Scarborough.
*.- Invalids should read CROesY's Prize Treatise on Diseases of the
Lungs and Air Vessels," a copy of which can be had gratis of all
A LL who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong life, should
read Dr. Rooke's Anti-Lancet," or, "Handy Guide
to Domestic Medicine," which can be had gratis from any
Chemist, or post free from Dr. Rooke, Scarborough. Concerning this
book, which contains 168 pages, the late eminent author, Sheridan
Knowles, observed:-" It will be an incalculable boon to every person
who oan read and think."
AUGUST 1,5, 1874.]
BRIGHT ON BABBLE.
To pumps Permissive, void of brain,
Bright thus administers a rap-
Beer-engines to repress 'tis vain,
If you won't stop that water-tap,
Which feebly dribbles
For fools and fribbles,
Who cannot see a fact that's plain !
"Permissive bills, though abject rot,
Seem right in theory mayhap;
In practice they'll not cure a sot -
So, pray turn-off that water-tap,
Whose gurgling nozzle-
Of that I'm poz-'ll
Ne'er interfere with drink one jot.
"At moderate use why aim your blow,
When at abuse you wish to slap,
And make him, who's a friend, your foe ?
Pray stop that spluttering water-tap,
Whose random spurting
Is simply hurting
The cause for which you labour so
"Quiet example set! Eschew
Demonstrative self-glory's trap!
Don't talk so much, but simply do!
And first turn off the water-tap,
Which folly raises
With vain self-praises
Into a fountain-all for you!
"The cause of Temperance will then
Spring up, endowed with vigorous sap,
Assisted by all thinking men,
Who now despise your water-tap,
Whose silly splutter
Has earned the utter
Contempt of many a caustic pen."
A WEEKLY newspaper informs its readers that "a man
with his head completely off was found quite dead on
the rails of the South-Eastern Railway at Woolwich."
The writer of the paragraph was evidently surprised at
this untoward result, as he had often lost his head and
was still alive and able to commit linage.
SUSSEX AND DONCASTER.
SIR,-I must apologise for not having written to you last week, or
rather I must apologise to my readers, for you have already received a
private communication from me on the subject, in which I informed
you that being, just when the post went out, at the bottom of the deep
blue sea, I'd see you or anyone else blowed before I would come up to
the sublunary phase and prophesying pitch of existence. When I say
the bottom of the sea, I mean of course the bottom that is nearest the
shore; and when I say blue, I mean blue, as it always is at Brighton,
from the purple stream which flows through the veins of the bathers.
I was noticing the other-morning that this colour shows through
sometimes, especially when the weather is at all chilly, but it must be
remembered that the tokens of a bold aristocracy their country's pride
will always exhibit themselves. They exhibit themselves variously at
Brighton, especially during the race week-sometimes at the sea-side,
sometimes on the course; and their readiness to take anything, from a
rum-and-milk to a fancy bet, is only equalled by their want of
readiness at settling time. You will see by this that I have not been
idle during the Sussex fortnight, and that I have not only been
studying the horse races but the human races as well. Truly, the
noblest study of mankind is man, especially when he settles his
accounts with ready money.
This brings me to the open and undisguised statement,, that in
addition to the winners so successfully vaticinated by me in these
columns, I have backed every successful starter. Unfortunately,
however, I have not yet got the money, or I would have sent a check
for little outstanding account, which I feel sure causes a coldness
between us. The fact is, losers seem afraid to be seen paying, lest
they should be accused of ready-money betting, and at once placed
upon the Lewes treadmill. So they say. I have assured all who owe
me money that I'll run the risk, which as receiver would be greater
than theirs; but they all protest they wouldn't hear of such a thing, as
their consciences would never forgive them if I came to any harm.
NO DOUBT OF I r.
Silly:-"I'VE THOUGHT IT OVER A GOOD DEAL, AND I'VE COME TO THE
CONCLUSION THAT RELATIONS ARE A GREAT BORE-DON'T YOU THINK SO? "
Sensible :-" I THINK IT MOST LIKELY YOUR RELATIONS WILL BE ALL OF
Bless their consciences, say I. So unless you at once send me a trifle I
shan't be able to get to London, and shall have to run up an awful hotel
bill. You'd better stump up at once, or else my domestic hearth, the
only one I have, will be blighted; and, what's worse, you'll have to
pay the bill.
So while I'm waiting for a remittance, I'll just give my opinion
about the Leger. Provided racing and betting are not done away
with before then, the Leger will take place about the middle of next
month; and given a race, we're sure to have a winner. It may be said
with truth that we are not absolutely sure to have a winner even after
the race, as the whole field might run a dead heat. To which I can
only reply that I would give something to be as sure of the winner
now as I shall be five minutes after the starter's flag has fallen- or
even less. But between this and then I fancy I can get pretty near,
as the battle seems so far to lie between three, the Guineas winner, the
Derby winner, and the Oaks winner, though there is no knowing just
now what effect the Betting Persecutions may have had on any of
their tempers. As soon as I get a remittance I will go and inquire.
A Standard Novelty.
THE Evening Standard has discovered something. It has discovered
a race of press carrier pigeons which can take heavy loads long
distances-which at all events can take batches of Standard copy, which
is the same thing. These pigeons are called "press" because they
decline to fly except in the interests of newspapers, and neither threats
nor persuasion can induce them to enter anything but an editorial
sanctum, which must at the same time be attached to a thoroughly
Conservative morning and evening journal. These birds are remark-
ably clever, and we are informed on authority which no one but our-
selves would believe that it was one of them that wrote the account of
the life and times of press carrier pigeons in our contemporary the
other day. It is a pity that these pigeons give no milk. If they did
it might help unbelievers to swallow the Standard story.
68 FU N. [AUGUST 15, 1874.
FUN OFFICE, Wtdnesday, Aug. 12, 1874.
GET away! get away-
Go and take a holiday-
Let's have quietness, I pray!
Take away that bitter tongue,
Which the household all among
Has such taunts and insults flung.
Get away! get away-
Go and have a holiday,
And be warned by what I sa
You to tai of gibe and jeer-
You, Who love to snarl and sneer !
You, whlo lie to be severe!
SGet away! away--
Go and take a holiday,
An&ti .a more calm I pray!
CONSERVATIVE ieactih is an -W blished fact. We were miost of TO
at a loss to understand what ft 'meant a little while ago, since thi
boasted movement only resulted in a Tory Government taking ip the
abandonedd measures and treading in the footsteps of a Libal
Ministry. It *as left for Mr. Disraeli to disclose at the end of the
session the ini tyrant secret -that Cofisrvative reaction msans the right
of one member t fie Government 't6 buefe another. The language
Aed by the Pre 6nsr to Lord Salisebry will do him no good and il
certainlyy weaKln the Ministy, foi it cn hardly replace the Secretaiy
61 State for Izma-, who will certainly efiign if he has any gelf-rdioct,
hoWv much' he mAy fede iWt IN aace will be but inadequately
filled. There *s an occasion *h ai strange and incoherent speech
from &fe Pfn was accunted forby the fact that an injudfious
friend.3at brenight hift something stronger than iced water to qdeei&
his third ; But thae.mKiuiiided alcohol was not as injurious as the bad
spirit of envy, hatred, and malice, *wIftio prompted him the o6ter night
to speak as he did of one of the few clever men that the Tories can
number, and one of the ablest Indian' secretaries that could be found
on either side. The world h6 nut. yet forgotten or forgiven the
rancorous tongue that pursued Peel with such cruel invective, and it is
to be regretted, for the sake of one who has twice been appointed chief
minister, that he cannot control his language.
Mr height is only seven-foot-t*o,
But yet I don't know what to do.
If I could close, like a clasp knife,
I might endure this mortal life.
Anger my tallor's glaices shoot
Whe I demand a tourist suit.
In trousers, too, he calls me robber,
For asking for a seventeen bobber;
And that my vest's a bad investment
Is what he's oft, if iibt expiessed, meant;
Girls five-feet-seven in their shoes
Would angrily my suit refuse ;-
And she to whom I most incline
Is not much over four-foot-nine!
The boys about the street apply
Low language to me, though I'm high;
And meteorologists invite
Notes of the climate at my height.
All things I bear save one-and that's
My annual expense in hats,
Which, thanks to cab or railway-carriage,
I always damage and disparage.
Logic for Paupers.
THosE incorrigible and inconvenient paupers have been at it again.
One has actually been and died out of spite," because he was tied
down in his bed when suffering from acute pneumonia. Perhaps if
he had known, as has been since stated, that he was tied down out of
kindness he might have relented, and remained a little longer in St.
Luke's Infirmary, for the purpose of encouraging the development of
such good nature. Still we are happy to say that the deceased didn't
do himself any good by dying after all, for the guardians wite not to
be imposed on by tales of cruelty, and in committee assembled gave it
as, their opinion, that nothing was done %uit what the case required."
We cannot, however, quite understand why if such wvas the case they
should ask that it shouldn't be done again. They were doubtless
quite right-so right, that, to continue the parallel, we trust they
won't do so again.
MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP.
JEROME BOWLES (said the American gentleman called Swiddler)
was to be hanged on Friday, the ninth of November, 18-, at five
o'clock in the afternoon. This was to occur at the town of Flatbroke,
where he was then in prison. Jerome Was my friend, and naturally I
differed with the jury that had convicted him as to the degree of
guilt implied by the conceded fact that he had shot an Indian without
direct provocation. Ever since his trial I had therefore been endea-
vouring to influence the Governor of the State to grant a pardon; but
public sentiment was dead against me, a fact which I attributed partly
to the innate pigheadedness of the people, and partly to the recent estab-
lishing of churches and schools which had corrupted the primitive
notions of a frontier community. But I laboured very hard and unre-
mittingly by all manner of direct and indirect means during the whole
period in which Jerome lay under sentence of death ; and on the very
morning of the day set for the execution, the Governor sent for me,
and saying he did not propose to be worried by my importunities all
winter" handed me the document which he had so often refused.
Armed with this precious paper I flew to the telegraph office to send
a despatch to the Sheriff at Flatbroke. I found the operator locking
up the door of the office and putting up the shutters. I pleaded in
vain; he said he was going to see the hanging, and really had not
fiime to send my message. I must explain that Flatbroke was twenty
miles away; I was then at Swan Creek, the State capital.
The operator being inexorable I sped into the railway station to see
how soon there would be a train for Flatbroke. The station master,
with cool and polite malice, informed me that all the employes of the
road had been given a holiday to see Jerome Bowles hanged, and had
already gone by an early train; there would be no other train till the
I was now furious, but the station master quietly turned me out,.
locking the gates. Dashing to the nearest livery stable, I ordered a
Why prolong the record of my disappointment P Not a horse
could I get in that town; all had been engaged weeks before to take
people to the hanging. So everybody, said, at least, though I now
know there was a rascally conspiracy to defeat the ends of mercy, for
the story of the pardon had got abroad.
It was now ten o'clock. I had but seven hours in which to do my
twenty miles afoot; but though already weary I was an excellent
walker and thoroughly angry; there was no doubt of my ability to
make the distance, with an hour to spare. The railway offered the
best chance; it ran straight as a string across a level treeless prairie,
whereas the highway made a wide a wide dour by way of another town. I
took to the sil-foot-way, like a Modoc on ed war path. Before I had
gone half-mile I was overtaken by That Jim Peaseley," as he was
called in Swdn COiek, an incurable practical joker, loved and shunned
by all who knew him. He asked me as he came up if I was "going to
the show." Thinking it best to dissemble I told him I was, but said
nothing of my intention to stop the performance; I thought it would
be a lesson to That Jim to let him walk twenty miles for nothing, for
it was clear that he was going, too. Still, I wished he would go on
ahead or drop behind. But he could not very well do the former, and
WOuld not the latter; so we trudged on together.
It wa a cloudy and very sultry day for that time that time of year. The
railway stretched away before us, between its double row of telegraph
poles, in rigid sameness, terminating in a point at the horizon. On
either hand the disheartening monotony of the prairie was un-
I thought little f thee of these things, however, for my mental exaltation
was proof against the depressing influence of the scene. I was about
to save the life of my friend-to restore a crack shot to society!
Indeed I scarcely thought of That Jim, whose heels were grinding the
hard gravel lose behind me, except when he saw fit t6 occasionally
propound the sententious, and I thought derisive, query, "Tired?"
Of course ; bt I would have died rather than confess it.
We had gone in this way about half the distance disdain much less than
half the seven hours, and I was getting my second wind, When That
Jim again broke the silence.
"Used to bounce in a circus, didn't you?"
This was quite true; in a season of pecuniary depression I had onlce
put my legs 'into my stomach had turned my athletic accomplish-
ments to financial advantage. It was not a pleasant topic, and I said
nothing. That Jim persisted.
Wouldn't like to do a feller a somnersault now, eh?"
The mocking tone of this jeer was intolerable the fellow evidently
considered me almost done up;" so taking a short run I clapped my
hands to my thighs and executed as pretty a flip-flap as ever was made
without a spring-board! But the moment I came erect, with my head
still spinning, I felt That Jim crowd past me;'giving ine a twirl that
almost sent me off the track. A moment later he had dashed ahead at
a tremendous pace, laughing derisively over his shoulder its if he had
done a remarkably clever thing to gain the lead.
1 was on the heels of him in less than ten minutes, though I niist
AUGUST 16, 1874.] F U N 69
confess the villain could walk amazingly. In half an hour I had run A DECIDED NEGATIVE.
past him and at the end of the hour, such was my slashing gait, he was
a mere black dot in my rear, and appeared to be sitting on one of As a schoolboy I ever was partial to Brown.
the rails, thoroughly knocked up. We divided our tQffee.and shared in our toys.
Relieved of Mr. Peaseley, I naturally began thinking of my. poor To this moment (no a.e olboy's tradition comes down)
friend;i the Flatbroke gaol, and it occurred to me that something We are qu.te6d a. ft ,dly and brotherly boys.
might. .n to hasten the execution. I knew the feeling of the. But, supposing that Bgown were to ask me to-day
country agit him, and that a great many would be there from a For a share of my hert or a share of my purse;
distance who woud naturally wish to get home before nightfall. Nor I would sink the old friendship and quietly say-
could I help admitting to myself that five o'clock was an unreasonably "Not at all; on the contrary-quite the revwse.
late hour for a hanging. Tortured with these fears I uncons .,ily I have known what it is to be head over heels
increased my pace with every step, until it was almost a rua. I In a passion that knows neither limit nor span;
stripped oft my coat and flung it away, opened my collar, api ui- I have known what a loving young gentlemanJ 40*
buttoned my waistcoat. And at last, puffing and steaming like a When he feels all a loving young gentleman, *,
locomoa w engine, I burst into a thin crowd of idlers in the outskirts But if Laura 3atil4a should come to me now,
of the tAown, and flouriAh d the pardon crazily sbove my head, And recall what I promised when lovesick or waoe,
yelling 0"-Ct him dow!-, cut him down!" Do you think I should even remember my..vow.?--
The, as everyone dared in blank amazement and nobody said any- Not at all; on the eootrary--qite, the revere,.
thing, jf undtime t, look about me, marvelling at the oddly-familiar I was once an implicit believer in fame,
appeara.ne of the ton. As I looked, the houses, streets, and every- And would rather have grown to be great than be rich;
thing seemed so undergo a sudden and mysterious transposition with It was all my ambition to boast of a name
reference to the points of the compass, as if swinging round on a As a poet or proser (I little cared which).
pivot; and like one awakened from a dream I found myself amongst I was born with a brain of my own in my head,
accustomed scenes. To be plain about it, I was back in Swan Creek, And believed it a blessing, and found it a curse.
as right as a trivet! Am I anxious at present to write or be real ?
It was all the work of That Jim Peasley. The d iging rascal had Not at all; on the contrary-quite the reverse.
instigated me to throw a con;(using somersault, then bumped against ____
me, turning me half road, and tarted on the, bk tek thereby
inciting me to hook it in the same direction. Recovery I
When the excursion tpin returned from Flathroke that evening the A DAnx paper describing a fire says:-
passengers were tol4 little story at my expense. It was just what Elevae dead bodies have been dug out from the ruis, and nilp woulallt
they needed toa4r them up a bit after the scene they hadwitnessed; (of whsfour have died) hay been recovered.
only four box after it waa.thrown that flip-flap of hi A broken But i, fWo 4iod how could they be recovered P And i$t-lwy wre
the neck (1o-9mne Bowles, ten wnils away recope hOwip.could they die P
S. THE RIGHT HQN. BENJAMIN
____ BLL.R ~W
Mr. Disraettassatd to be threatened with an
attack of gout. .'London Correspondent.
A TOUCH Of gout, a touch of gout,
May serve to make the ins go out,
And drive them to an utter rout,
Some cooling medicine, oh, Di ,
Had kept thee from this state of fizz
SIn which thoq ha4'st thy dander ri,
W Ien, once before, y g
SNu did not takem tmu-*
Boathe annght one on
Tp w~orey no quarter gave,
Sore thee like a vetorz b",.
Thou mad'st it up when it did serve
Thy turn, but now thou'It need thy
For Bob fro fRil4 d1 aw sweorve,
"Master of gibes, and flouts, and sneers"-
*Thou'1t rue that speech for alL thy-years,
ASSURANCE I Jhoi I w& rec ived with cheers,
.j~4 (aqt for as. IsuratoC) -' .e CO,)a fl, QoI OU 1b Th bitterTtonguehas.aved theowelwl,
#5 E 'Froin Hackney raised thee to Pall Mall,
ikar B logy :-" No OT NOW I---" But now it's sounded forth thy knell
'iond CAn, oArr CH ancE ron YoU TEN, ET ME, -PUT YOUR --N.. My- Bj Anmin .
.Fgrmqr flogged -0 V), I WAS INSURED YOU KVOW---r-" "A bagger et op home's hsoW'
Irn ---.Q :-a,, Y -vr1 ) 1 O voLET "og POL. p 9 5 E s Y o know g es tothe gent in b1a ck--
.Fa er :- W n, yea sE, I numie, I DIDN'MT 55 MUCH THE GOOD OP.n,-ittr- ,I Oh, may y1uq.dqPhly get theac. Ca1
DIDN'T DIE." Iy ipain.
0 FU N [AoGIST 15, 1874.
Mr. Spiff during a little holiday trip to the seaside falls in love Devoted to his unknown charmer, he follows her Though at times discovered by the',
at first mght. everywhere," wrong one-when he feels
He languishes for an introduction and
tries letter-writing on the sands,
Which the tide effec- At last an opportunity occurs-a squall and a squeal, Without hesitation Spiff strips Z
tually stamps (out). and Theresa's hair is overboard, and dives.
Being a little shortsighted, however, he is But is ultimately triumphant. And hastens to lay before the Ladye Faire his pledge of valour.-But-
not quite certain at first if he sees it. how why I when I where rage 11 agony 1 despair I I !
and utter oblivion! I! !
N.B.-Between you and me, dear reader, Spiff had presented the lovely Theresa with a piece of seaweed.
DOTS AND LINES.
PiETTY little row over Public Worship Bill between Disraeli, Glad-
stone, and Sir W. Harcourt. There is nothing like a religious question
to develop Christian sentiments. = Mr. Disraeli and Lord Salisbury
did not meet at the Ministerial Whitebait Dinner. What a pity! =
The Benchers of Gray's Inn have sat on Dr. Kenealy. Rather! =
The husband of Miss Annie Adams assaults people who don't like
his wife's singing. We imagine he will have his hands pretty full of
assault cases. = The proceedings of the Brussels Congress are
absolutely secret. It is not possible to make much out of nothing. =
The Emperor of Germany will visit Italy in the autumn. We hope
Italy will bear the infliction. = Prince Bismarck is better. The
German Bishops are, not quite so well. = Spain is still unsettled.
What a pity the conflicting parties don't adopt the Kilkenny prece-
dent! = Lord Salisbury gave his respected colleague a quiet setting-
down. Dizzy will not use the word bluster in a hurry again. =
The British Association of Spiritualists has been sitting. As there
was no room at Earlswood the meeting was held in town. = Action as
to the right to be called a nigger minstrel. The proud title is
general property. = Mr. Disraeli has gone to visit the Marquis of
Bath. Whether he will have his head shaved or not has not
FUN.JI -AUGUST 15, 1874.
7 'K~ ~'
Mrs. B.:-" A DAY OUT! OH,
CERTAINLY; AND WHEN YOU COME BACK, TRY NOT TO QUARREL SO ..WITH
.1 i li h
hiVOTUT 15, 1874.] FTJU N 73
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 385.
UroN the moors from early morn,
Upon the wings of echo borne,
The crack of guns is heard.
The sportsman here shows skill and pluck, --
And so we'll gladly wish him luck N
And many and many a bird.
1. I leapt with bosom bold
Into the bounding spray.
The water was so cold
li4eok my breath away--
: #ooh could only say.
2. For breakfast I believe there's not
'A joll aconmestible,
11vrnt *hen it's hot
1 3Wd yu&-*ehold
'e sot ot true -gold
Bubt umdedo well
hen.o~hoial e ed such bravery,
'%%0 this til Vel as fighting for,
&rbi not toptE&d iasfalavery.
-e*'hether i~ i s to ~he*or strike,
About ithtisit. & w it. etwas like,
I canno otell-46nl, h~ow.
-hey played 4p~idt lagago.
'S6. Sfne headsote tl.
So folks declare.
And so's~wklWf c~h, I *is,
When there is nothing there. -
oIvioxLU N 61 AcosrTic, No. 383.-Sultry Season:
Swiss, Ubique, Llama, Turnips, Rialto, Yawn. A POSER.
CORRroT SOLUTIONS o s AsRosTiO, No. 3, received August aa g a re mer :-" h o0 YoU TeARE, coa0r BAcK; ThAT'S "NOT Ta
th :-ammersmith; ars; nniarra ito zone; Diligent Farmer o THEAE COOME BACK TATS NOT T
Zoological Dido; Sara; Pollaky; Tamaroo Spigwiffn; Pussy- ROAD!"
catsmeeow; Smug; Northover; B. 0. H.; Cliff; Turk; W. W. at1 on .- dra io H O De 's aO es
G. W.; Windleshaw; Peggotty; Tea at 's; zprco urise s"Watt, a o yOrT KNOW WHERE I'M GONG P
Daughters; Nell and Pons; T. C.; B. and S.; Florenb e .; pFter :-- NOA."'
Nevarcc Oantions Moke; -Slodger and Tiney; Baba; Nolo; DO KNOW WETE I'S TE ROAD OR NOT TofER,
Bunksthe Great. heuri H eo You NOW WHETHER ITS THE ROAD OR NOT THEN,
SuO =edy i Ao-P t. plagiarism from the older poet. "A Lost Art will delight the heart
AsUGUST. --if he have one--of the illustrious and self-abasing, (which ina
IT is toe early ydt to judge of Mr. Black'sstyn, vainai) Mr. Ruskin.
itopens at any rate with considerableproise. "A Rose in Jun is It is a pity that in The Geslomt' s Mr. Francillon, by ftivludsly
wound ip, in the sort of semi-satisfactory way which haist fidgeting with "Part II" "Book Two" and such needless niceties,
gushed it throughout. "Far from tho Madding Crowd"h should be should gite readers a distaste to enter on what is fair enough.roading.
the ndt too;tn t mar frim of Maddi awth T"oy we i Mr. Buchanan is musical, but hardly at his best in "Love in Winter,"
near the ewd too; for, in the marriage of Bathsheba -ith Troy, we and we gladly turn to Red Spinner and the Member for the Chitern
arrive at a point where interest is lost, and at a consummation which, Hudeds. Mr. Lucy's description of "Seaport and Seaside "' is vvd,
however devoutly to be unwished, cannot be undone. The essay on and Mrs. Cowden Clarke's scramblingg Story" is pleasant reading-.
Victor Hugo's romances is exhaustive, appreciative, and clever. The au
other contents are of the usual merit. In the Argosy Mrs. Wood has more of, that supernatural element
Templ Bidar Will scarcely supply, with Mr. Wilkie Collins's re- which she has lately made the staple of her stories. The number also
hashed cold meat, the pleasant feast we lose in the conclusion of contains a rambling and purposeless paper on sensation novels, whieh
Whyte-Melille's Uncle John," one of the most charming stories we is neither novel nor sensational. Mrs. Wood contributes a story about
have had from a pen that always charms. Tis mont te a "Diamond Necklace," and Johnny Ludlow begins a tale about pills,
author of "Mirabean" is silent, and the papers as anth, too, the which is hardly up to his usual standard, although he is ouriousy
below the usual mark of the magazine, though nots as an average are unequal at all times, and has perhaps somewhat overworked the vein.
drive one to enjoy "Patricia Kemball" in its unsympathetic In MaIcmillan's, M. Camille Barrdre discourses in somewhat hakvw
statuesqueness. If, as rumour says, it is the work of a female author, style on the dramas of Victor Hugo. Dean Stanley's addresses are of
it is a pity that the Woman's Rights party should have lost a hand course excellent, and Lady Amberley's sympathetic paper on Ita lian
whose use of the scalpel would have justified the claims of she- Foundling Hospitals will be read with sad interest. The other
doctors. contents are solid and valuable-except, perhaps, some feeble vere
Sribner's ZAonthly is notable as ever for the excellence of the land- from the pen of the Bishop of Derry.
scape illustrations to "The Great South," and for curious reproduction The St. Jamens's carries "The Mysterious Island" to a point of great
of Dickens's method of writing, as shown in his notes for Our interest, for it begins the difficult part of Mfr. Verne's task-bow the
Mutual Friend," in which, with the actor's instinct that was always castaways are to provide themselves with necessaries on their desert
so strong in him, he poses himself, though-as he must have supposed isle without any of the providential impossibilities which in similar
-with only himself for audience, with dialogue of a very dramatic works bring together in one spot the treasures of all latitiues and
kind. Mr. Saxe contributes a few pleasant notes on Martial. By a longitudes. Justin McCarthy contributes an excellent paper on
funny coincidence in "Etchings," Harington is convicted of a direct "Lowell," and the rest of the number is very good.
[AUGUST 15, 1874.
"REDENTEM DECERE VERUM-"
First Swell:-" SHALL YOU GO TO THE COWES REGATTA?"
Second Swell:-" YAAS, 'THINK so."
First Ditto :-" AH, THEN I SHALL SEE YOu; rM GOING TO RYDE."
[Mrs. Chawbacon tells her husband that people ride races on cows up to Lunnon.
MORE IEN OF THE TIME.
Ws hasten to redeem a promise made two or three weeks back, and
give another instalment of our famous portraits. We have received
many hundreds of letters, in accordance with our request, containing
special information about celebrated men; but as the heroes selected
are so celebrated that we have never heard of them before, and as, if the
descriptions were used every outsider would think, or say, that he was
portrayed, we must e'en fall back on ourselves.
Frederick Fitzstephen Macstylus is a fine specimen of the Special
Reporter, and is ready at a moment's notice to pack up and go to
Newmarket or to Newfoundland, to Manchester or to Mesopotamia.
He departs blithely, "like a bird," which possibly accounts for his near
approach to ubiquity. We have seen a letter from him dated Desert
of Sahara one day, and the next have met him, serene and cheerful, on
the Doncaster racecourse. His copy is always set in large type, and
his words are always uttered in a large voice. It is said of him that
for a wager he is prepared at a sitting to fill the whole journal v ith
which he is connected on any subject, from horseracing to horology;
but this we are not prepared to guarantee. We will bet on his trying
that or anything else, however, if anyone is anxious for a wager.
As may have been guessed, Macstylus is of the Irish persuasion and
the Conservative creed; he is a stalwart, handsome young fellow,
blessed with a good appetite, a clear conscience, and a digestion like
an ostrich. He is brusque in his manner, but will always go out of
his way to oblige anyone; and so, long may he regard his paper and
himself as the most worthy representatives of journals and journalism.
Shakespeare Cholmondeley Chuffkins, the celebrated writer on
horse-racing, cricket, aquatics, pedestrianism, grammar, and the use of
the globes, is as remarkable for the beauty of his personal appearance
as for anything else. His hair curls in clustered profusion, and his
sentences run in similar sequence. His style is crisp and so are his
whiskers, his periods are redundant, his clothes well fitting. But
though an admitted authority on all matters concerning the English
turf and Anglo-Saxon sport and pastime generally-though Admiral
Rous trembles at his approach, and the Jockey Club deprecate his
wrath, Chuffkins is not happy. No; he has a soul above buttons, and
he thirsts for the pen of the pictorial critic. We have heard that on a
Sunday after dinner, when his wife is asleep and the children are
having their clean frocks put away so as to save the washing,
Chuffkins writes voluminous notes of imaginary visits to ideal
Academies, in which he smashes impossible pictures and makes the
hearthetones of apocryphal R.A.'s desolate. But he hides his notes
when Mrs. C. comes downstairs, for she is a strong woman and an
active, and she won't have Sunday work in her house "not if she
knows it." And so, with all his seeming advantages and his un-
doubted ability, Chuffkins is a disappointed man, and as he pursues
the road of reporting on races, he pines for the power in which he
must not participate but which he could wield so well.
No one objects to Chuffkins's ambition, least of all ourselves. It is
only noticeable because he can do his own work so well, and ought
therefore to be satisfied with the position in which it has pleased
Providence to place him." But there are others in the same walk of
life who are at least as aspiring, without being, except over a glass
and among admirers, in any way as clever. These small fry of the
sporting press are well represented by a man named Slimy, who, away
from his office and apart from pens and ink, is able to write
magnificent leaders, light articles, and reviews in a manner which
should make the proprietors of the daily papers blush for themselves
that they have not given him literary employment. But somehow or
other his great powers always desert him in the hour of need, and
his writing is very poor stuff indeed compared with his talking. He is
also unfortunate in the fact that any paper with which he may
become connected seems to suffer from him considerably, and to be
AUGUST 15, 1874.]
quite benefited by his absence. He regards scurrility when used in his
own interest as a first-rate weapon, as his history shows, but will howl
and writhe under fair criticism when it is directed against himself or any
of his unwholesome fraternity. The crew of which he is a representa-
tive will stab a man in the dark; they will lie and brag and boast of
themselves and decry the work of their superiors, so long as they
think they cannot be identified with their false statements; but like
the abject cowards they are, these men-raise a dismal outcry if anyone
stoopsi low enough to reply in kind to their mischievous assertions.
But we begin already to feel defilement, and so take leave of Slimy
and his band of brother journalists." .F*K e
And now let us wash our handsand have a disinfectant-
IT'S very strange ,thatto our vif
One man at times appears astwo.
Nay, snile not. I do not allude
To double-vision, when one's screwed.
Mr. Tdbias Treaeletrap
Is a', table old chap,
Who'a1- his energies devotes
To vaious objects he promdMs.
He:is a'gober, steady man,
BenevoleHt inwevary plan.
He ovefltwsewith zeal and pity.
His offices are in the City.
He ione promoted a device
For'sending Nova Zembla ice:;
Andialso laboured to convey
Great-doatsto Central Afriea.
,hit was no exclusive elf,
'To keep these matters to himself:
All'those who with likeszeal would born
Might 'take:a share in theieoncesi.
With an unselfishness sublime
ge gave'his trouble and his time,
Nor sought reward for his devotion-
Except a something for "promotion."
Gleams of benevolence are reflected
From his bald pate. He lives respected.
His coat and vest show ne'er a wrinkle,
His spectacles with kindness twinkle.
Says he, This measure, pray you, scan
To benefit your fellow-man,
By making corkscrews from wax-taper,
And bottled porter from brown paper.
How blessed, corkscrews thus to-place
Within the reach of all our race!
How great before mankind to set
Beer, at two pence the hogshead, nett!
The Christian's aim, the patriot's dream,
Are both united in the scheme;
Which must-a lower view to take-
Clear cent. per cent, invested, make !"
While he was making this.oration
I fell into a meditation;
And, lo! as if by magic strange,
He underwent a total change.
His shining pate with elf-IdckS red
Was decked;-a hat was on his head;
The shining hat a sailor Weagrs
About the docks, or Wapping'St's.
A fringe of beard adorned his chin
His nose grew red, and'brownlhis skin;
His limbs in loose blue-garb ware hid,
And in his cheek he wore a quid.
Where had I seen that form before ?
I turned the matter o'er and o'er,
And then was able to declare,
When I'had seen him iet, and-where.
'Twas in the street. He walked'quite near
My elbow-whispered inmyear-'-
"Sir, do yer want, I've got 'em handy,
Some cheap cigars or smuggled brandy,
Silk handkerchers, sir P here they are!
Buy some to help a struggling tar."
What followed, I recalled with pain,
And how I'd vowed then Not again!"
The vision fled!-upon my ear
Treacletrap's voice fell smooth and clear.
Good-bye," said I, and-made my bow,
"I don't think I'll uy shares just now!"
It's strange to me-is't not to you-
That this one'4man appeared as two ?
I haven't taken shares up yet.
And Treacldtrap's in the Gftetts.
THE St A"- WTWAM 'STUT,
WE have received a'g e 'tsmkberbf letteN on this impoetantopic,
and from them have seledted he dllowing :-
Sm,-The story of your kwnCommissionerinterested me medh, but
his efforts in the causewof justice and the-discovery of-dog-fighteoa aftd
dwarfs did still more. It rouned aconvietion within my breast that
the best way to prove ytUrease'istoi tate facts, and,,doubtfl,as they
may appear, to stand on them for aye. :Sir, your Commissioner has
stated one great and glorious fact: I will now state another. Not
long ago I went to the annual dinner of thy clib. I left home as
positive of the spot wherein Iaresided as any man. could be, and would
have betted anyone ten to one, had it not been for the wickedness of
betting and the scarcity of takers, that towtray from the right path
and miss my happy homewould be an utter impossibility. Now, sir,
mark my words. By an untoward combination of circumstances I
was, at two the next morning, utterly unable to particularise with -ny
certainty even the name of the parish in whitih I resided, and so great
was my bewilderment that I had to seek assistance at the nearest
police-station. The officials there were assiduobs 'and attentive, and
after a short delay I recovered -my zecollediion. .'t, sir, the fact
remains the same, that it is under certain 6iremnstances possible to
forget even -yourvown'ideatity, much more the whereabouts of a place
to which you have only 'been once; and so in the hope that I have
shed light on a difficult subject, I am, yours, &c. B. ARGERED.
SIR,-We've been trying for some days to discover why any
difficulty should have arisen as to the belief in the dog and dwarf
fight. So far as the finding of the house out the second time is con-
cerned the Commissioner's inability to do this is easily explained.
You must know that it is customary for persons engaged in pursuits
antagonistic to the law to take special precautions to prevent capture
in the event of discovery. When the police arrive the dwarf swallows
the dog, and the place assumes its wonted appearance. We are aware
that this is not quite all, but we haven't yet been able to discover who
swallows the dwarf. We've tried several times ourselves, but cannot
anyhow manage it. In the hope, however, that it will be all right in
time, we are, yours respectfully, SOME IDIOTs.
P.S.-Not idiots-enough, though.
AUssio s to (maSgotents.
[ We camnot retuer unaecepted MSS. or Sk7etches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
QurrT PAsiAMNaTANT.-Then why not sit for the Silly Islands ?
J. E. H. (West Derby).-We rather suspect you of being the culprit.
"READING BOY."-Don't try to be a drawing boy, then!
S. F. W. (New-cross).-Next time you enclose a small joke" be more
careful how you pack it. This one evidently slipped out in transmission,
for we can find no trace of it.
E. (Portsmouth).-We do not require that sort of thing, do not pretend
to indite private critiques, and cannot return MSS., or write letters when
no stamped and directed envelope is sent.
ConMT.-You've no head, or you wouldn't indulge in such a foolish tale.
We-re ive. nothing fromranonymouBscribblers.
P. (Strand).-We don't touch private squabbles.
(Workington).-Thsaks foryourportrait of youtfdlf, b lt':you are
not so well'known as you deserve to be we can't publish it.
NAYLOR (Hartlepool).-Many thanks.
Destined with thanks :-J. H. B.; S. H,, Store-street; Mol, Kilburn;
G., -:ld Jewry; F. C., Barnet; S., Finsbury-square; W., Glasgow;
Billy: K., Canonbury; Throw Physic to the Dogs; A., East Sheen,; D.,
ta,.ford-street; B. A., Lewisham; N., Finchley; W. S., Iew; T. W.,
Little Moorfidlds; Tamaroo Spigwiffin; B. X. Y.; Walloper; W. ,
Finsbury; R., Woolwich; A. H. 1i., Bristol; Novoostii4M; '. .,
Betrmondasy; W. R. N., Argyle-street; H. 0. N., Kennington; H. V. '.,
I'erth; P. L., Tollertors; T. P.; T. W. L. H., ioray-road; 'G. M.,ULva-
pool; He-brewery; C. S., Islington.
(AUGUST 15, 1874.
Slender Gent:-" I DARE SAY, LADIES, IT WILL SURPRISE YOU VERY MUCH, BUT WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT I AM HEAVIER THAN THAT
S8OUT FELLOW WHO'S JUST PASSED ? "
Ladies (in One Voice) :-" LA M]. WILERITCH-IMPOSSIBLE HOW CAN YOU PROVE THAT ?"
Slender Gent (with a giggle) :-"SIMPnY BECAUSE HE IS A LIGHTER-MAX HA, HA."
MRS. MALAPROP MUDDLETH.
I WANT to buy an avatar;
They tell me they are curious things.
I don't quite know them, but they are,
I fancy, birds with speckled wings.
Avadavats !" A-va-da-vats ?-
Oh, dear me, no You wake my mirth,-
It isn't that at all, for that's
When Brahma reappears on earth.
No Avatar's the thing I mean,
A little lively speckled bird;
Though, stop !-perhaps Aventurine
Is possibly the proper word.
That's it of course For avatar
Is glass that's full of grains of gold,
The sort of kind of sparkling spar
At Salviati's you behold.
But no! Of course, I'm wrong again,
For that's the fitting epithet
How stupid of me to forget!
What is it that I want to buy P
I'm not quite certain what I mean;
So in the meantime I shall try
IT is, perhaps, not too late to express our regret that the benefit of so
true and fascinating an artist as Mdlle. Rose Bell should have been almost
a failure; and for the sake of the good taste of English playgoers we
trust that the small attendance was due more to insufficient announce-
ment and inconvenient date than to any lack of sympathy with one
who is ever bright and sparkling, never rude or vulgar. The enter-
tainment given was pleasant and tasteful, the chief item in it being a
novelty in opera bouffe,' from the pen of Mr. John Plummer, which we
trust to see under more favourable circumstances. As it is well and
cleverly written we doubtless shall.
CROSBY'S BALSAMIC COUGH ELIXIR DR. ROOKIES
S specially recommended by several eminent physician, and by Dr. BOOKE, A N T I L A N E T .
Scarborough, author of the "Awn -LANCET." It has been used with the
most signal success for Asthma, Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza, LL who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong life, should
Consumptive Night Sweats, Spitting of Blood, Shortness of Breath, and all read Dr. Rooke's Anti-Lancet," or, "Handy Guide
affections of the Throat and Chest. to Domestic Medicine," which can be had gratis from any
Sold inbotles at s. 9d.,4s.6d.and ls. each, by all respectable Chemists, and Chemist, or post free from Dr. Rooke, Scarborough. Concerning this
wholesale by JAS. M. CROSBY, Chemist, Scarborough.
nalde b ud rd CROSB e reason "Diease o book, which contains 168 pages, the late eminent author, Sheridan
LungsandA ssel"acopyofwi ch cKnowles, observed: "It will be an incaleulable boon to every person
Ch and Air Vessels," a opy of which ca hd all who can read and think."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, August 15, 1874.
76 TI N
AUGUST 22, 1874.] F U N 77
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 386.
THEIR labours are ended,
And weary M.P.'s "
Their way have all wended
To lands or to seas, in
To spend their vacation
In sweet relaxation.
1. It's all very fine in the abstract, we say,
But when we are put to the trial, .
That we view it at times in Falstaffian way
I fear there can be no denial.
2. By an average hand
It's easily spanned;
But it's certain to stump
A hand that's a dump.
3. Poor Prosy wooes
The lyric Muse,
But she is most unkind,
If you read through
His poems," you
No poetry will find.
4. With slash and trimmingemake it smart,
But do not wear on it a heart. .
5. In the matter of drink
Moderation, I think,
For take too much rum,
And you're certain to come
A cropper. P
6. Syllogisms to abbreviate,-
By this means untwist 'em;
And you'll find that the system 21
Your toils will alleviate.
SOLUTIONr OF AceROSTI, No. 381.-Margate, Meetingf:
Modicum, Alive, Ramble, Goat, Aei, Tan, Egg.
CORRECT 80LUTIO.S OF AaROSTIC No. 384, received 12th Hugustl:
-Toast and Herrings; Gyp; Interim Guarantee; Oyster Patties:; a
Mouffles; A little Fog Bird; Chookanook and Kuae; Frank.
We have to apologise to several correspondents, whose solutions GROUSE SE ASON.
have by an accident been overlooked for some weeks.
Sb a a en_ Nephew (who t has dropped in to the club and finds his Uncle at dinner) :
HALL, UNCLE! I THOUGHT OLD JOLLIBOY ALWAYS DINED WITH YOU P'
Be Blowed Unle :-"2 OH, so HE DOES, MY BOY, SO HE DOES; BUT DONeT YOU SEE,
A TITLE in the advertising columns catches our eye: JUST IN THE GROUSE SEASON, IT'S-WELL, WE DON T DINE TOGETHER. THE
"The Sewage Difficulty Exploded." We wonder when FACT IS, YOU KNOW THAT-THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE BACK TO A GROUSE-YOU
the sewer burst-and where ? UNDERSTAND r "
DOTS AND LINES. A Seasonable Gale.
NOTrHNG going on. Partly because everybody is going off. Sir
Charles Dilke wound up the Session with threats of a Ballot Earth- IT seems rather a satire upon our system of law-giving that among
quake. No great shakes. The Queen's Speech was not more than many Acts passed every season few of them can be explained satisfac-
ordinarly ungrammatical. Iat was less than or dinar lyn a chronicle of toriy by either their promoters or advocates. we halve within these
work done-Tory reaction t! = It has been decided bly crowner's quest pat few weeks seen the Betting Act, and all who have meddtled withr
law that any gatekeeper of the Duke of Bedford's may kill cab e it, made eminently ridiculous; but fortune has been h inder to the
There is not one law for the rich and another for the n Licensing Act which has during the recent Session become law. Mr.
England. It may be as well to remember this fact. = Temple Bar is Child, whose official position as solicitor to two leading Licensed
giving unmistakeable signs of a Conservative reaction. It is now Victuallers' Societies qualifies him well for the task, has published a
supported on block-heads. = Germany has not bullied France about digest of the Act as it at present stands, with explanatory notes,
Spain. It is nice to see that it omits some chances of bullying people references, and cautions. The value of such a work is so evident that
= Bismarck is reported to have written complaining that babies ar it requires no special recommendation from us, and we shall doubtless
christened after him. Our sympathies are with the babies. = Lord find it regarded as an authority in the squabbles and unpleasantnesses
Salisbury has given Dizzy the-well, say "the retort courteous." which a muddling Conservative and unnaturally paternal Parliament
How these Tories love one another! = Bank Holiday marked by the makes imminent whenever people quench their thirst. The brochure
usual discourtesy and dishonesty of the railways. The are is published by Gale at 130, Fleet-street, and will doubtless prevent
well represented by their servants. o Nie little fgcompaes a breeze of an unpleasant character, in which, of course, the
ductor and driver of 'bus in Trafalgar-square. Police would not pubic of one kind or other would be bound to suffer.
interfere, having been told possibly not to interfere with "carriage
people." = The harvest is so good that the farmers are complaining.
= French Assembly dissolved. Gambetta generously presented each In Marshall Array.
member with a flea in his ear on the occasion. = Escape of Bazaine. THE Promenade Concerts which now seem to be the regular summer
French leave, of course. Not the first time he has been found wanting. entertainment at Covent Garden are again in full swing, and though
or ayi i to e ee ad_ u t oothe management is different this season the success appears as un-
Too Good to be True. doubted as before. In addition to the vocal and instrumental music,
there is quite a show of eminent personages, literary, artistic,
A nPROVINCcAL paper assures us that- dramatic, and general- particularly general-under the direction of
The crops in the Midlands are well spoken of. Messrs. Fradelle and Marshall, who somehow or the other seem just
We can't see that they are any the better for that. Nobody who is now to have a monopoly of the intellectual and the lovely, as well as
worth anything is without a few enemies, and surely the crops ought of those who are neither, and who therefore represent us in Parlia-
to be abused by loafers. ment and sometimes become Ministers.
[AUGUST 22, 1874.
FUN OFFICE, Wrdnesdsay, Aug. 19, 1874.
COLD WATER CURE.
CAN you endure
Cold Water Cure ?
Rather unpleasant, dear Dizzy, but sure.
Certain to cool you,
And rule you,
And school you,
And make that rough tongue of yours healthy and pure.
Be more demure,
Try to abjure
Reckless assertion; try Cold Water Cure!
Certain to aid you,
From bilious invectives on grounds immature.
on his heel, and said, with a laugh, Blest if I don't think the old
beggar's yappy." I looked then for consolation to the crustacea, and
watched very intently an elderly crab stuffing his waistcoat pockets
full of something or other. When he had done this, he sat down and
began to chew the cud contentedly. Perhaps you'll say that crabs
don't chew the cud. Then it wasn't cud he was putting into his
pocket; and as he'd got to eat it, and not I, it doesn't much matter.
I asked Mr. Lee if he could get me a set of king-crabs of gradually
diminishing sizes, for I never saw anything that reminded me so
much of a set of dish-covers of which I lost the ticket once and
couldn't get an affidavit in time. Polished up a bit, and with a
nice handle to each, they would look well on any gentleman's dresser.
I happened to discover before I'd been about very long that there
was a dinner on to commemorate the second anniversary of the
opening of the Aquarium, and as I was getting pretty peckish by this
time I followed one of the waiters upstairs just as if I belonged to the
establishment, and seeing a place at table bearing the name of a man
who I knew wouldn't be there, I slipped into it and commenced to talk
at once to Mr. Nye Chart, of the Brighton Theatre, as unconcernedly
as if I'd been asked. Once or twice I fancied Mr. Smith or Mr. Lee,
both of whom sat nearly opposite, was going to ask me who I was, but
I talked all the louder to Mr. Chart, sketched out a new line for the
restoration of the drama, and didn't allow the opposition to catch my
eye. A very pleasant man is Mr. Nye Chart, and I think I shall
write him a farce or a tragedy, or something of that sort. The dinner
was capitally served byMr. Mellison, to whom, as I didn't pay anything
else, I freely remit my gratitude; but I didn't think much of the
speeches, except the Mayor's, which was a marvel of eloquence, and
made me almost weep. Mr. Buckland talked about Mr. Buckland, and
Henry Lee and Reeves Smith had to put up with scant honours. The
London Press came unprepared, and the local ditto had evidently been
weighing and measuring his sentences for a week before in anticipa-
tion of the honour. Still I pegged away through it all, and when
there was nothing more to eat or drink came back to London.
SONGS FOR THE END OF THE SEASON.
Air.-" When he who adores thee has left but his name."
WHEN he who adored thee has left but his card,
With a P. P. C. on it behind;
O say, wilt thou weep when they hint it is hard
Thou so easily should'st be resigned ?
No, don't! for however thy friends may condemn,
Tears can never efface the decree.
But show that you care not for him or for them,
As he proves that he cares not for thee.
Thou hast no nonsensical dreams of first love,"
Plain good sense rules each fancy of thine !
May thy heart from those eyes descend like a dove
Which shall find a warm nest within mine!
0 blest be the lover to whom thou shall give
That sweet heart-which I hope is for me-
If not-nought can render it worth while to live
Save the pride of not dying for thee!
2.-THE RAILWAY STATION.
Air.-" Paddy Snap."
QuIox you have but a second!
Into your seat while you may!
The guard-that churl !- has beckon'd,
And you must away, away!
Have all your wits about you
For oh! 'tis an express train!
And once it starts without you,
You won't catch it up again!
Quick! you have but a second !
Into your seat while you may!
The guard-that churl!- has beckon'd,
And you must away, away!
See the steam how it gushes!
Like song from a Muse's heart!
See! Everyone rushes !
The train is about to start!
Bag's in the luggage van, sir :
Where it will quite safe remain-
Look as sharp as you can, sir!
You'll certainly miss the train "
Quick! you have but a second!
Into your seat while you may!
The guard-that churl !-has beckon'd,
And you must away, away!
BRIGHTON AND ITS AQUARIUM.
BY OUR COHnEK CONTRIBUTOR.
WALKING across London Bridge the other Saturday with a light
heart and half-a-guinea to spare-only the money to spare, please-I
was tempted, the weather being bright and genial, to run down to
Brighton by the Aquarium special, and just see how things were
looking in that part of the metropolis which stands by the hoarse
resounding sea, and doesn't seem to mind it. Being tempted, I of
course yielded as in duty bound, and in a very short time was
whirling over the tops of the malodorous mansions and healthy but
unpleasant tan-yards of the Borough. But these were soon passed,
and then I began to have my ten-and-sixpence worth of country with
a prospect of the open sea at the finish. I don't know whether any-
one will believe me, but I can state on my honour that we didn't have
to wait more than five minutes at Croydon for the Victoria train; for
which, and other small mercies that were vouchsafed during the
journey, I and the rest of the passengers were extremely thankful.
I will not detain you with an account of the perils of the voyage,
chiefly because I am not acquainted with them. We may have been
within an ace of running off the line or into another train-our
carriage may have been nearly set on fire, or our axletree may have
been all but broken-but I was unconscious of danger. I knew we
should get to Brighton all right, as I had invested in an insurance
ticket-and whenever I gamble I always lose my money. I live in
hopes, however, of one day landing a cool thou," in which event I
shall be like a good many others have been, more valuable as a corpse
than I have ever been as a real live reporter. But it's worth having a
little personal inconvenience to get such a large sum all at once.
Arrived in Brighton, I considered it my bounden duty to exhibit
myself as much as possible; and so, sticking my return ticket in my
hat, to show that I was a Londoner born and bred, I promenaded on
the pier. There were not many pretty girls about, or I should
have made a conquest doubtless-instead of which I went into one of
the roundhouses and purchased some truly marvellous beer. It
wasn't Tipper, it was more like Tupper, for it was neither strong nor
pleasant, and was, besides, suggestive of internal disarrangement. So
I thought I would get on to the Aquarium, and in a few minutes found
myself at the entrance of that palatial yet withal fishy establishment.
As I walked down the steps a band of chosen and brazen instru-
mentalists sent forth a welcome in invigorating strains. Acknow-
ledging the cordiality of the reception in a few well-chosen phrases, I
at once commenced to study from the life.
Some of the fish looked very much as they do in the shops, while
others looked quite the reverse. I recognized the cod almost at once,
though the absence of the familiar oyster-sauce detracted much from
the majesty of his appearance. I was aware that soles swim parallel
with the horizon-if there is a horizon below the sea level-but
always thought they swam in pairs, as sold. This is an imposition on
the part of the dealers. They don't sell pairs of brills, or turbots, or
even flounders. Why they don't even sell a pair of skates, which if
common sense is anything they should do. I consider therefore that
the London School Board should prevent the young of London being
tampered with in this way. I can see that there is some reason why
sprats should be sold in bundles, but no more pairs of soles for me if
I know it. I don't think much of the octopus-I'd rather have a
steak any day, although Mr. Reeves Smith and Mr. Henry Lee say he
tastes like anchovy toast and pickled cucumber, delicacies I don't
indulge in much. One of the tanks contains the legend, Mackerel,
anemones." There happened to be a stray pilchard in with the other
fish, and one proud Londoner who seemed to know even less than I
did, said, Ah, that must be an ainmoan." I felt at once the con-
sciousness of superior intelligence, and began to explain. But it was
of no use. Before I had well warmed to the subject my friend turned
AUGv'ST 22, 1874.]
THE LION AT BAY.
AN INDIGNANT LETTERt FROM DOD GRILE TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
SIR,-The series of outrageous papers upon Men of the Time,"
which have for several weeks disgraced the journal you profess to
edit, constitute the most diabolical crime of the season. That you
should wish to blacken and wither the reputation of one of your con-
tributors who, whatever may be his faults, has usually abstained from
assaults upon private character, is a matter of no surprise to those who
have observed the malignant cut of your trousers and the slandering
swing of your coat-tails- who have marked the menacing mean-
derings of your cravat- who are familiar with the mendacious and pre-
datory nature of your back-hair; but that you should have dared to
do it is beyond and above comprehension. Knowing the lady-like
demeanour that I hope has always distinguished me, you probably
counted upon my abject submission; but 1 beg to inform you that
these qualities are more apparent than real; they do but mask the
Lion! And this Lion these varied and repeated and repeated attacks have at last
brought to bay !
Sr, I do not plead perfection; I hope I have such gentlemanly
vices as one may nourish without reproach under a social system that
recognises the importance of maintaining a wide belt of neutral ground
between the downright sinner and the upright saint. I hat my
contributions to your paper have always been conspicuous for their
truth and the naturalness of their sentiment I cannot conscientiously
affirm; I may have been occasionally in error as to fact, and heedless
of artistic congruity while dropping in the moral reflections. But
this is quite a different thing from a habit of wearing soiled linen!
eor is there any -likeness between the occasional absence of high
religious purpose and te and the persistent ignoring of soap and water. The
one does not imply the other; the other has nothing to say to the one.
No, sir; you have shot wide of the mark.
As for impecuniosity, I submit that it is not a crime;, and if it were,
who but you have driven me to it by the miserable inadequacy of the
pittance you are pleased to dole out to me for the vers 4f soeidt6 which
it is my misfortune to write, however infrequently. That I am in the
habit of borrowing half-crowns it would be ludicrous to deny; that I
do not repay these loans you dare not assert in the face of the fact that
those which I have borrowed from yourself I have always meant to
return. If you had attacked me on the ground of defeftive menory,
that would haoe been a.different thing altogether.
But I will not follow you through the maze of misstatement and
the sinuosities of innuendo of which, under various fictitious names, I
have been the torn and bleeding victim. I could not if I would, for I
have not the charges before me. No sooner does your slanderous
paper put in its weekly appearance in my household than my
youngest child, with the instinct of self-preservation, pounces upon it
like a falcon, and devours it with savage avidity. The effect of your
poisonous "Men of the Time upon that innocent's health can be
easily imagined; but atleast it saves the domestic hearth from moral
pollution, and I can always find a copy on file in any of the low pubs
which I frequent.
I cannot, however, forbear to touch upon one, or two points in the
article of last week. In that, sir, under the name of Macstylus" I
am accused of brusqueness of manner and ostrichness of digestion. A
falser or more fiendish charge was never made against an an affable
dyspeptic. Consider, sir, how often you and I have sat together in
refreshment rooms, and I have said with blandest benignityr: "Ah! I
fear I could not manage a whole chop if I should order one. Would
you mind giving me just the tiniest bit off yours? Thank you."
Did you ever hear a brusque ostrich refuse his feed in so polite a manner
as that Absurd!
As Chufokins" I a charged with a consuming desire to write art
criticism. This is detestable! Why, sir, amongst all the artists of
London, I have neither a friend .nor an enemy. speaking of art I will
tell you a little story.
There was a fellow named Lorrey--a desperately ugly man, even for
a painter. He had a studio front which he rigorously excluded his
wife, who, he said, could not digest the aesthetic. It happened that a
celebrated African explorer had commissioned Lorrey to paint a life-
size portrait.of a gorilla, which by the aid of the traveller's sketches,
he had done in a very masterly manner. One day when it was
finished heput it into a cab at the door, and looking into the drawing-
room told his wife he was going out, and should be absent until dinner
time. Getting into the cab he drove to his patron's residence to
deliver the painting. That gentleman being ill, gone to the seaside,
Lorrey would not leave the picture, and took it back home. As he was
about to ring the door-bell he happened to glance into a window, and
saw his wife fast asleep in an arm-chair. Here was an opportunity
for a practical joke after his own heart. Taking the picture he set it
up en the window-ledge outside, so that it would appear to be staring
into the dra-wing-room, between the curtains. Then he let himself in
with a latchkey, entered the room, sat down on the arm of his wife's
chair, and taking one of her hands tenderly pressed it to awaken her.
This had the desired effect; she gave a little sigh, smiled faintly, and
opened her eyes. They fell full upon the hideous countenance in the
window. She gasped like a fish, started from her seat, pale as a ghost
but only half awake, and stammered:
0, my graoious-he has returned Get under the piano "
Subsequently there was a divorce in the Lorrey family.
And now, sir, I suppose this pleasant anecdote will incite you to
further assaults upon my character. I presume you will again say that
"Slimy "-body of Bacchus! am I an eel?-" howls and writhes
under fair criticism when it is directed against himself or any of his
Enough of this. You have destroyed my peace of mind, blighted the
fair hopes of a guileless life, and withered the very cabbages in my
kitchen garden. I hope-I do trust and pray that you are satisfied
with the ruin you have wrought, and will at least let the dead rest.
For you may as well learn that I have purchased a pot of caviare !
It stands on the table before me as I write. In yonder garden grows
an onion. In my cupboard are twin sl ces of bread. It needs but a
single additional Man of the Time to stain your conscience with the
foulest crime that you were ever guilty of-and that is saying a good
deal. Till then farewell!
You remember my knock; a sounding rat-tat-tat orsessndo, and a
supplementary agnicaudate tremor. When in the silent watches of
the night you hear anything of the kind in the loneliness of your
chamber, prepare to meet the late Don GILBa.
P.S.-It is only fair to add that I was much pleased with that slap
at Augspur. You remember-about his truculence in speaking of his
absent enemies, and his engaging affability when he meets .them.
Magnificent! Slate him again !
A TALE OF HUMBLE LIFE.
Had as grand a
Parent as you'd wish to see.;
He-was made of
The Arcade of
Lowther, the head beadle, heI,
She'd a mother;
You have very seldom seen.
She cooked lichen
In the kitchen
Of the Duke Seamossfarine.
Damsel was of beauty fine.
At the T. R.
Hounsditch, she are
Popular as Columbine.
I am simply
Plain and pimply
Waiter at the Old Blue Boar,
Me at wages,
Which just keep me and no more I
They but hand a
Weekly pound at Treasury-ohalk:-
Times occur to
Her, dear sir, too,
When the ghost declines to walk I
Why am I not
Heir-ah, why not ?-
Of some county palatine ?
Ma came of a washing line.
We. can't marry,
So must tarry
Single-there! my story's told!
Union for us-
Save the workhouse, when we're old.
A coNTEwMPOA.rT gravely states that-
During a recent thunderstorm at Bradford, a girl had several teeth knocked out
by a flash of lightning.
She must evidently have swallowed the lightning-and perhaps the
teeth. We decline to swallow either.
[AUGUST 22, 1874.
A SEA GREEN (UN).
Ted:-"I SAY, GEORGE ; WHAT DO THEY USE THOSE OLD HORSES FOR ON THE SANDS F"
George:-" WHY, DON'T YOU KNOW? THEY HANG THE TOWELS ON THEM TO DRY."
WHAT were systems and worlds-which are legion-
Without ORDER their pathways to pitch ?
What the earth if un-tide-y F-a region
Mostly stagnant and flat as a ditch!
What were farmsteads, and gardens, and cities,
Without order in hedge-row and street ?
And yet some-'tis a thousand of pities-
Will be never kept properly neat !
Some folks think confusion and litter
Are far more picturesque to the eye-
And to feelings artistic are fitter
Than the order" we call apple pie."
They disdain all the strict regulations-
And consider all rules obsolete,
That consign things to fixed situations,
And dislike to see anything neat!
Opinions will constantly vary
As to what may be order or not.
John may differ most widely from Mary-
Paddy quite disagree with a Scot.
And perhaps, after all, it were better
Individual feelings to treat
"By the spirit," and not by the letter "-
There are so many meanings to neat.
Just an instance-I said, Drive me quicker-
Spare not whip! Cabby-pull not a rein!
And if you'll lick your mare, we will liquor-
At the station I'll stand you a drain."
He had thirst-'twas a pleasure to slake it!
So I stood "-there was never a seat!-
And I asked him to say how he'd take it-
And he said he liked having it neat.
Many people are born to be slovens
In their habits-in dress, and in thought.
And some liquor's but fit for The Ovens"
(-k gold digging afflicted with drought).
But whenever your loved one is courted-
And when red wine and rosy lips meet-
(One home raised, and the other imported.)
Both our women and wine should be neat !
THE silly season has set in with more than its usual severity; for
nearly a week before the crack of the first gun on the moors, while, in
short, some of the members of Parliament were still in town, the Satur-
day Review was apparently left to edit itself. It has several articles on
one topic -the Public Worship Bill-and it is amusing to see how Sir W.
Harcourt, the lauded champion of one column, is denounced in another;
and how in one page Mr. Gladstone is hurled to the ground, to be
elevated to the skies in another. The only unanimity observable is in
the prevailing conviction on every available point that more judges-
salaried, of course-are required. If we did not know better (and we
honestly admit we don't), we should be inclined to think that most of
the articles in our valued contemporary proceed from the pens of
barristers looking out for employment. The impression is somewhat
borne out by the fact that few of the articles are unadorned with
A DAILY paper says, Friend Ferth has been committed for trial at
Leeds for the manslaughter of his mother." Taking into considera-
tion the justifiable pride of the journal in a friend who is clever
enough to manslaughter a woman, we don't see that the acquaintance
is a matter for such obtrusive boasting.
FFU N .-AUGUST 22, 1874.
COLD WATER CURE.
Bathman:--"YES, SIR! VERY UNPLEASANT WHILE IT LASTS, BUT IT WILL DO YOU
ALL THE GOOD IN
AueuWT 22, 1874.] FUN 83
RHYMES OF THE RECESS.
OFF for a holiday! Off we go-
"t Cads and riders in Rotten-row,
Shopmen and swells,
From the sound of Bow Bells,
Over the downs, on to the fells, -
Down to the sea
Where the wind blows free-
Off to the moors and their purple heather,
Taking our chance of the autumn weather ;it
Flaneur and worker, savant and clown,
Anywhere-anywhere out of the town!
Off for a trip with Gaze or Cook,
Or going each on his proper hook ;"
Clerics and clerks
All bent on our "larks,"
Tired of the streets, tired of the parks,
Seeking ozone i
And weary grown -
Of business or pleasure, looking for
Seeking more gladly for that than wealth,
On sand, or moorland, or breezy down; b t
Anywhere-anywhere out of the town! 7o P_ c ----
Off for a holiday! Lucky we 1
Pitying those who're not so free;
Father and mother
Sister and brother,
Some of us having nor one nor other;
By rail and steamer,
Toiler and dreamer, @
Off to the woodland, off to the wold,
To sultry Italy, Norway cold,
Trying to turn pale faces brown;
Anywhere-anywhere out of the town! ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
Elderly Gentleman (who has received a brick on his head from the Bricklayer above) :-E" hl
Arnoros OF THE STORAGE OF WATER.- CONFOUND YOU, SIR; DO YOU SEE WHAT You HATE DRrPPED V"
Lay up for a dry day. Voice from Above :-" ALL RIGHT, GU'NOR; YER NEEDN'T TROUBLE:TO BRING R vv."
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN. A Dutch-drop.
Messrs. Warned and Co., of Bedford-street, deserves the gratitude of A wzxt.r paper gives us the following item of intelligence which
old as well as young folks for their cheap reprint, in the Chandos shows that you can have too much of a good temple-er, even though
Series, of the Fairy Tales of Andersen, and the Legends of the Brothers you be not inclined to the strong drink which rages :
Grimm. Which of us has not read, and would not read again, those DEATH AT A Fle.-On Monday, during the Good Templars' Mte in Penylan-
wonderful books ? Shall we ever cease to believe inwardly that the park, Oswestry, a young named Holland, while playing at kiss-in-the-rg,"
chronicles of the saints are not more beautiful than the legends of came into violent contact with another man, and being knocked don1 s take
Hans-Christian-ity, or to wonder how the writers of tales of such up dead.
absolute delightfulness could be associated, even phonetically, with the This looks too like a duck to be true, and we think it is only a notion
idea of grimness! put forth by "the people's caterer" for the purpose of keeping his
From the same publishers we receive The English Girl in a Convent name before the public. Bat if it be, unfortunately, a fact, what a
School. It is described as a record of experience," but the authoress pity the opportunity cannot be improved, and drunkards made some-
is anonymous. It contains some clever sketches of character, but as a how to benefit by the death of this young teetotaller, who must
record of experience is so artificial and ingenious in construction that certainly have had water on the brain. Moral : Teetotallers must have
we can hardly help thinking that sometimes very good Protestants will their heads iced during the hot weather to keep them frem thawing
do that of which they accuse others-tell a fib for the advancement of and running about the place.
truth. Some of the revelations may be damaging for convent schools,
but we must say that the English girl does not figure to much A. Groomy Look-out.
We have received from Messrs. Hogg and Co., of Paternoster-row, a WE clip this from the Telegraph in desperation, after having vainly
circular headed The Bookseller and Its Criticisms. We cannot of course searched for a situation likely to suit us:-
comment on the case from an ex-parte statement. If Messrs. Hogg WANTED, a YOUNG GROOM. One who has been accustomed to horsea-
can establish the truth of their assertions, they prove a grave charge Apply personally to Oxford-street.
against what has always been considered an ordinary trade organ. If The only grooms we know likely to be unaccustomed to horses are
they cannot do so, they have been guilty of something more than in- bridegrooms, and even they have been known to discover the superior
discretion, as Mr. Whitaker will in that case, of course, prove to excellence of the grey mare over all other equinial" animals. But
them. they don't know it in time to stop short, unfortunately.
For nice light seaside reading we can recommend Mr. W. A.
Leonard's pamphlet, enjoying the brief title of A Summary of Mr.
Herbert Spencer's First Principles (Pitman, Paternoster-row), intended Too Late.
for use in schools. As an instance of its weird beauty of language we THE Saturday Review is always amusing. It devotes two colmm
might quote the touching passage in which we are told what might to the so-called "Beecher-Tilton" scandal, and having carefully
happen, summarised all that the journals of New York say about it, winds up
When the aggregate has attained to a state of moving equilibrium, with the profound observation-
or the highly poetic comparison of The Knowable and" 1 ThIe Un- It is difficult to decide whether the original scandal or the discussion oa is
knowable," with a picturesque digression into "Ultimate Scientific newspapers is the more loathsome.
Ideas." But we shan't. Our "objective hypothesis regards Space What a pity the reflection did not occur to the wniter before he begSa
and Time as entities," and doesn't see its way to wasting either, his article!
[AUGUST 22, 1874.
THE GUILTY GOVERNESS.
BUNG had a son, a governess, and a deceased wife's sister; at least,
as regards the penultimate, I mean she was an item in his establish-
ment, as live plaything for the son. The governess loved Bung, and
told him so. He peonied, and answered, He was much obliged for
her polite invitation, but a prior engagement." She guillotined his
sentence with the questionable remark, To whom F" My deceased
wife's sister," he simpered. "Do you know the results," she said,
" of this marriage ?" He blushed all the more. Should you have
any family, her children and your son will be cousins." "How ?"
" The children of two sisters are generally so. You to your son's
cousins are uncle-thus_: you'd be father and uncle to the same.
governess." "What is your name ?" Helen." Helen or Ellen ?
asked Mrs. B. "Helen! "How very awkward; people are apt to
think you are cockneyfying Ellen.' And she made this an excuse to
give her notice to quit. "I don't take verbal notices," said Helen.
"You shall!" "I shan't!" (This ad lib.) "What right have you
here ? was Helen's further and unreasoning remark. Mr. Bung's
destiny in life was to swallow a peck of dirt and marry me." Your
combination is analogous," sneered the governess. No comedy-
language here, miss," decided Mrs. Bung; and she went and wrote the
requisite notice. When Helen received it, she said Revenge! went
upstairs, woke Master Bung, who was asleep on a bonnet she had
Cousins can intermarry. If there be a daughter born, she (as a cousin) been trimming, with a little cold water, and then hung him up on a peg
can marry your son, who would, at the ssme time, be her half-brother in a cupboard to dry. Her next proceeding was to get ready her many
-thus she would be daughter, daughter-in-law, and niece to you." articles of apparel; her third to procure a long pin, thrusting it
" Ah," he said, I never looked at it in that light, but plenty of time through the door and Master Bung pretty much at the same time; her
when the complication's born." "I forbid the banns!" she cried. fourth to levant.
" They're not going to be put up," he rejoined; and went off and got When Mr. Bung discovered his demi-offspringin position asof trans-
married in the most sneaking, mean manner possible, fixed entomology, he fetched his wife and a detective. This last-
The moment Mrs. Bung (2) came home, she set the house in order, named personage (intelligent officer) was of an opinion that some one
took charge of all the keys, and looked in all the cupboards, and did had done it; so he set off to discover whom. He was not very
not take long to connect the disturbed state of the governess's heart successful; did not collar anyone, till a happy idea suggested his
with its true cause; she asked her who she was. I am a virtuous arresting Mr. Bung. This he did, and Mr. B. was incarcerated; but
AvGons 22, 1874.] FUN .
some time after, when it was settled he was guilty, the boy was count it before leaving; he can't do that without missing [this train
unhooked, and, as if to mark his sense of gratitude at this proceeding, which, if you give me a ticket, I shall catch, and thus get a start of
recovered. His statement set his father free-the British public never him. The clerk did as desired; but Mr. Bung, unaware of the conse-
thought of sending him money; he was an Englishman-and to some quences, concluding to miss the train if he stopped, bolted off, leaving
extent implicated Helen; but the Metropolitan and City police forces his change altogether, and was speedily lost among the labyrinth of
being about this time engaged in a controversy as to whose business arches underground, where he was followed by a myrmidon (for the
it was to let an eminent swindler escape, Mr. Bung was compelled to purpose) of the company, and there expiated his ignorance of the Bye-
undertake the pursuit of the governess in propria persona. So laws by never being heard of since. Helen, who remained behind,
having, for convenience, converted the bulk of his fortune into a large very imprudently married the clerk and eighteen shillings a week, and
bank-note, he one day caught sight of the object-pardon the expression when natural consequences followed in the shape of twins, her husband,
-of his search conversing with a booking-clerk at a suburban railway not unreasonably, began to think his family ties somewhat too cumbrous
station. She saw him see her, so immediately seducing the affections for the aforesaid income; which breeding resolved themselves into
of the clerk, persuaded him to conceal her in his office. Mr. Bung the fact of the twins undertaking an apotheosis at his instigation.
thinking she had left with her ticket, ran up and asked the clerk He was hanged, while Helen repented of her misdeeds, and went on
where she had booked to ? Jerusalem," suggested.Helen inside, the stage. Mrs. Bung took to evil courses, and became female
'4 Jerusalem," answered the clerk. "First return," gasped Mr. inspector to the School Board. Master Bang quite recovered, and. is
Bung. Twenty-eight and six," said the clerk; "train due in an ornament to society. i 4
five minutes." Mr. Bung tendered his large note. An idea Being unable myself to discover any moral to be conveyed in this
struck the governess. "Give him," she whispered, "his change sketch, the author who is able to deduce one may dram atise it in the
in halfpence; he is bound by the Bye-laws under extreme penalty to form he may think fittest. I won't tell Mr. Hollingshead.
A STRAIGHT TIP FOR TEE LEGER. Three nights and days, in different ways,
"I received a letter the other day from one of the most experienced horse- Three stables had he watched.
watchers in the kingdom, who says that in his opinion it is long 'odds on Atlantic, Ha, ha, my boy said he, with joy,
George Frederick and Apology against the field, no matter how good sone of the You never once got cotched.
outsiders may turn out."- Sporting Correspondent in Weekly Times. Atlantic, first, you saw well nurst,
'TwAs in the prime of August time, His rate you truly notched.
A morning calm and still, George Fred'rick next your spirit vext,
With boys on backs, some Leger cracks But soon you found his test;
Were going "through the mill." The flying mare next made you stare,
And some were hot and some were not, I'm sure you think she's best."
And some went with a will. And with a grin this man of gin
The trainer trained, the morning waned; Sank peacefully to rest.
To breakfast all went home. Aqsrpr.
Then, dank with sweat and heavy wet,
A tout did onward roam. sNxzh I (rt
He'd seen them tried-oh, he was wide,"
He'd cut that trainer's comb. [We cannot return accepted MSS. or Sketcies, unless they are aecom-
Now as he went, he felt sore spent, panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
For he'd been up all night- responsiblefor loss.]
Been drinking beer, and something clear M. (Cheltenham).-We are under the impression that questions of
And colourless and white. theology and faith cannot be advantageously treated in a comic paper.
So feeling mixed, and somewhat fixed, R. (Kilburn).-The MS. was returned, and if lost in the post was lost
He sat and roared outright: owing to the very defective wrapper sent with it. Perhaps you thought
"I know Im boozed, but thats excused-it was not worth a wrap.
I know I'm boozed, but that's excused- G. S. M.-We don't care for verse with only two rhymes to four lines.
Ex-cusable I mean- R. G. (Dalston).-We're sick of Dick's father and John's son."
When one has been and gone and seen Apply to Herald's College, or the Anthropological Society, for goodness'
Of fillies fast the queen." sake.
Another draught he took and laught- SaTLLA.-The lines. are about as brilliant as London gas. We prefer
The Leger's won, I ween!" light literature.
RWhat had he done, this dirty one, GOWL.-If you don't like Ramsgate or Margate, why not try New-
What had he done, this dirty one, gate. Living is cheap there!
To make him feel such joys ? F. (Lincoln's-inn).-It was written by the late Sir George Rose.
Why did he leer, and then with fear, C. H.-Much obliged for cutting.
Move on and make no noise ? Declined with thanks :-G. H. K.; S. J., Bristol; B., Durham; F. S. L.;
Why did he shout when he got out, N., Great Russell-street; H., Stoke Newington; L. C.; M. E., Manchester;
And lose his equipoise? H. T., Abingdon; S., Dublin; Theorist; Seth P.; W., Kingsland; C,
Well did he know the way to go, Norwood; All-a-barn-ehb ?; V., Ampthill square; P., Seething-lane.; N.,
en e e way o go, Eston-road; R. S. T.; G., Oakley-road; K., Sutton; C., South Hornaey;
When once on public road ; Toots the Second; Alias Josaphat; T., Horncastle; H. W. R., Liverpool;
Away, away, for he could stay- Autolycus; C. W. B., Dundee; R. S. D, Liverpool; The Inveterate Cus ;
And soon indoors he strode. R. W.; A Dwarf Dog; G., Highbury; D. W., Camberwellrroad; Wallaby;
But in his mind there lay confined F. G., Walworth; E., Leeds; L., Bridgwater; Fxoian; S., Torquay; Mar-
A dreadful heavy load. gate Dick; One who Knows; F., Warrington.
[ACGvST 22, 1874.
Jemimna:-" WHICH ME AND ANs, mUm, WHEN IT WILL BE CONWENENT FOR YOU TO GO TO THE SEASIDE, AS WHILE YOU'RE AWAY
WE WAS THINKING' OF RUNNING DOWN OURSELVES TO THE SEASIDE AT GREENWICH OR GRAVESEND."
IN the New Monthly we have some very readable papers of a semi-
antiquarian nature, which, however, while conveying information, are
not of the dryasdust kind. The verse unluckily scarcely keeps pace
with the other contents, which is a pity. It is a periodical of a class
to dispense altogether with the ordinary "magazine verse "-than
which, if possible, this is even feebler-and should give genuine
poetry, or nothing at all.
Chambers's Journal winds up The Best of Husbands rather sadly,
and begins, with more than the usual force of early chapters, a new
story entitled The Manor House at Melford." The other contents
will commend themselves to many readers, but there is perhaps just a
preponderance of the signature W.C.," in a periodical which, until
very recently, was anonymous.
The chief feature of the monthly part of the Penny Illustrated Paper
(beyond its record, pictorial and literary, of passing events) is the story
of The Three Red Knights," which Mr. J. Latey, jun., translates
with great spirit from the vivid original by Paul F6val.
We doubt whether even a novel by so talented'a writer as Mrs.
Riddell, who opens the ball this month, can redeem London Society, the
fate of which seems prophetically hinted at in Harrison Weir's clever
CROSBY7S BALSAMIC COUGH ELIXIR
T specially recommended by several eminent physicians, and by Dr. ROOKE,
Scarborough, author of the "AISTI-LANCET." It has been used with the
most signal success for Asthma, Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza,
Consumptive Night Sweats, Spitting of Blood, Shortness of Breath, and all
affections of the Throat and Chest.
Sold in bottles at Is. 9d., 4s. 6d., and lls. each, by all respectable Chemists, and
wholesale by JAB. M. CROSBY, Chemist, Scarborough.
*.* Invalids should read CeOsar's Prize Treatise on Diseases of the
Lungs and Air Vessels," a copy of which can be had graiu of all
picture of London Society gone to the "-no at the Dog Show."
The only other picture particularly noticeable is that of Mr. George
Cruikshank, jun., and that is only noticeable because in it he has been
good enough to rdehaujftr a drawing he did for the Pictorial World.
London society of course converses in French. and so the magazine of
that name must deal in that tongue. Accordingly we have some gal-
licisms that do credit to "Stratford-atte-Bowe." Mr. P. Fitzgerald
talks about "the Gaiet6" theatre, the Debates paper, and L'ceuvres
du theatre," which we fancy would hardly pass muster at St. Souper,
where Mr. A. A-Beckett, "Playing at Society," finds people living on
the floor above a hussier, whatever that may be! But it is left for
the author of Vinette to crown the edifice, by proving (if rhythm
and rhyme mean anything) that in Opgra Bouffe, the first word is a
disyllable, Opra and the second is boof," to chime with hoof,
aloof, roof, and proof."
The Young Gentleman's AMagazine brings the Field of Ice to what
must be almost its close. Johnny Ironsides," with its decided anti-
German sympathies, is concluded. The other papers are of the regular
standard, and the whole number a good one.
WITH ArOLOGrES TO AMERICAN CouSINS.-Base Ball Players-
ANT I-LANC ET.
A LL who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong life, should
read Dr. Rooke's Anti-Lancet," or, Handy Guide
to Domestic Medicine," which can be had gratis from any
Chemist, or post free from Dr. Rooke, Scarborough. Concerning this
book, which contains 168 pages, the late eminent author, Sheridan
Knowles, observed:-" It will be an incalculable boon to every person
who ean read and think."
r. I.tcd by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, August 22, 1874.
I LOVED her with the deepest love
My nature ever knew.
I vowed her eyes than heaven above
Were f&r more deeply blue.
She gave me a bewitching smile ,
That bade my panting brain
With metaphor her heart beguile
Of far more lofty strain.
I vowed her nose was like a bud
Upon some rose-bush fair;
That sunset in its golden flood
Compared not with her hair.
I said although the peaches blushed
When rivalled by her cheek,
Their hue, however red they flushed,
Beside her bloom was weak.
I swore her teeth were far more white
Than any orient pearl.
(I hoped my flattery would delight
That rich and charming girl.)
I called on coral to outvie
Her lips, without a peer.
I said the coral was passed by,
And hailed it with a sneer.
I had some other things on hand
I wanted to throw in,
About her ear, you'll understand,
And some about her chin.
But she did not, it seemed to me,
Appreciate my skill;
Although I spread it thick you see,
And with a right good will.
The next dance came, her partner came,
They went away to dance.
I thought I heard her ask my name.
I saw her partner's glance.
"Don't know," said he, what it may be,
But surely he belongs
To those it's clear who earn their beer,
By writing words for songs "
IT is a form of remark in Billingsgate circles that hot
weather is melt-ing.
LATEST FROM HANLEY.
First Collier :-" DIDST HEAR T'ROW LAST NOIOGT?"
Second Collier :-" NoA; woT woa IT ABOOT P "
First Ditto -" WHY, A COLLIER AN' A CHRISTIAN WOR rOIOGHTIN'."
Second Ditto :-" AN' WHICH 'UN LEATHERED ? "
First Ditto :-" Wnor, T'COLLIER, TO BE SURE."
A GENTLEMANLY BAKER'S DOZEN.
1. THE gentleman who spunges on his friends until he gets money
or employment; and then looks for fresh and more fashionable
2. The same gentleman when he is connected with journalism and
thinks it his duty to abuse those who fed him.
3. The gentleman who sneers at everything he doesn't understand,
and who has therefore lots of work cut out for him.
4. The gentleman who is not ashamed or afraid to wear one shirt for
a month, but who considers himself insulted and his honour at stake
when dirty linen is mentioned.
5. The gentleman who isn't above begging half-crowns when he
can get them, and doesn't despise sixpences; but who feels outraged
whenever professional borrowing is talked about in his presence.
6. The gentleman whose wife goes shabby, and whose children look
upon bread and butter as a luxury and new boots with wonder; but
who is regarded at tavern bars and pot-and-screw clubs as one of the
best fellowsin the world, dear boys.
7. The gentleman who despises people who were brought up at
hard work; and forgets-or tries to forget- the time when he was
"brought up" by a policeman. And what's worse, taken away again.
8. The gentleman who objects to the society of tradesmen-when
he can't borrow any more money of them.
9. The gentleman who knows everything and has been everywhere,
but who has never been seen away from Fleet-street and the purlieus
10. The gentleman who writes smart things, and says that editors
are afraid to put them in their papers. (They are.)
11. The gentleman who repeats other people's jokes as his own, and
speaks of the original jokers as duffers.
12. The gentleman who has always a foul and offensive story to tell
about some one, generally about a woman who has no able-bodied
husband or brother to defend her.
13. The gentleman who will recognize everybody but himself in
DR. 'LANKESTER thinks the Duke of Bedford's gatekeepers have a
prescriptive right to kill cabmen. If somebody had got the right to
kill coroners when they make idiotic assertions, we might save some-
thing in fees, and prevent a time-honoured institution from becoming
ridiculous. If cabmen were dukes and coroners were sensible people
-but no matter !
AN announcement published in the sporting papers states that a
well-known Sheffielder has offered 100 for a handicap. We don't
know the current price of these things, as they're not used in our family;
but trust the purchase may be completed and the bargain found
satisfactory on both sides.
A NORTH -COUNTRY paper contains an advertisement for two
cloggers who can break-up timber." We should think large feet must
be quite an acquisition among cloggers and their employers. Brown
says perhaps they're an accomplishment as well; but we don't mind
A Small Result.
WHEN the Chairman of a teetotal society in council assembled
proceeds to take the sense of the meeting."
AUGUST 29, 1874.]
88 F U N [AUGVST 20, 1874.
.FUN Of MOSE, Weiesday, Aug. 26, 1874.
A LUCKY ESCAPE.
BAzAMn's escaped!" the message ran ;
".Escaped by knotted rope!"
Let all remember-all who can-
Who read of this unhappy man-
That while there's life there's hope.
A victim,to a nation's pride-
To rage allowed full scope-
For winning not he might have died;
For loss is worst that can betide-
Then, life has little hope.
But now once more the Marshal's free
With fortune let him cope.
In time through him we all may see-
In time with us he may agree-
That while there's life there's hope.
THE LITTLE STORY.
DBAMATIS PaRsoXN2.-A Supernumerary Editor. A Preposterous
SCENE: The MEn Office.
PREPOSTEROUS CONTRIBUTOR.-Editor in ?
P. C.-The gods favour me. (Produces roll ofmanuscript.) Here is
a little story which I will read to you.
S. E.-Oh, oh!
P. C.- (Reads.) It was the last night of the year-a naughty,
noxious, offensive night. In the principal street of San Francisco "--
S. E.-Confound San Francisco!
P. 0.-That's all very well, but it had to be somewhere, you
"In the principal street of San Francisco stood a small female
orphan, marking time like a volunteer. Her little bare feet imprinted
cold kisses on the paving-stones as she put them down and drew them
up alternately. The chilling rain was having a good time with her
scalp, and toyed soppily with her hair-her own hair. The night-
wind shrewdly searched her tattered garments, as if it had suspected
her of smuggling. She saw crowds of determined-looking people
grimly ruining themselves in toys and confectionery for the dear ones
at home, and she wished she was in a position to .ruin a little on her
own account. Then, as the happy throng sped past her with loads of
things to make the children sick, she leaned against an iron lamp-post
in front of a bake-shop and turned on the wicked envy. She
thought, poor thing, she would like to be a cake-for this little girl
was very hungry indeed. Then she tried again, and thought she
would like to be a tart with smashed fruit inside; then she would
be warmed over every day and nobody would eat her. For the child
was cold as well as hungry. Finally, she tried quite hard, and thought
she could be very well content as an oven; for then she would be kept
always hot, and people would put all manner of good things into
her with a long shovel."
S. E.-I've read that somewhere.
P. C.-Very likely. This little story has never been rejected by
any paper to which I have offered it. It gets better, too, every time
I write it. When it first appeared in the San Francisco News Letter
the editor said it cost him a hundred subscribers, it was so execrably
bad. Just mark the improvement! (Reads.)
"The hours glided by-except a few that froze to the pavement-
until midnight. The streets were now deserted, and the almanac
having predicted a new moon about this time the lamps had been
conscientiously extinguished. Suddenly a great globe of sound fell
from an adjacent church-tower, and exploded on the night with a deep
metallic boom. Then all the clocks and bells in town began ringing-in
the New Year-pounding, and banging, and yelling, and finishing off
all the nervous invalids left over from the preceding Sunday. The
little orphan started from her dream, leaving a small patch of skin on
the frosted lamp-post, clasped her thin blue hands and looked upward,
' with mad disquietude' "--
S. E.-In the Salt Lake Herald it was with covetous eyes."
P. C.-I know it; hadn't read Byron then. Clever dog, Byron.
"Presently a cranberry tart dropped at her feet, apparently from
S. E.-How about those angels ?
P. C.-The editor of the Chicago Tribune cut 'em out. He said
Chicago was no place for them; and I don't believe London--
S. E.-There, there! Never mind. Go on with the little story.
P. 0.-(Reads.)- "As she stooped to raise the tart a veal sandwich
came whizzing down, and clipped one of her ears. Next a wheaten
loaf made her dodge nimbly, and then a broad ham fell flat-footed at
her toes. A sack of Indian meal burst in the middle of the street; a
side of bacon impaled itself on an iron hitching-post. Pretty soon a
chain of sausages fell in a circle around her, flattening out as if a
road-steamer had passed over them. Then there was a lull-nothing
came down but dried fish, cold puddings, and flannel under-clothing;
but presently her wishes began to take effect again, and a quarter of
beef descended with terrific momentum upon the top of the little
orphan's head! "
S. E.-How did the editor of the New York Times like that quarter
of beef ?
P. 0.-Oh, he swallowed it like a little man, and stuck in a few
dressed pigs of his own. I've left them out, because I don't want
outsiders altering the Little Story. (Reads.)
"One would have thought that ought to suffice; but not so.
Bedding, shoes, firkins of butter, mighty cheeses, ropes of onions,
quantities of loose jam, kegs of oysters, titanic fowls, crates of crockery
and glassware, assorted house-keeping things, cooking-ranges, and
tons of coal poured down in broad cataracts, piling themselves above
that infant to a depth of twenty feet. The weather was more than
two hours clearing up; and as late as half-past three a ponderous
hogshead of sugar struck at the corner of Clay and Kearney-streets,
with an impact that shook the peninsula like an earthquake, and
stopped every clock in town.
At daybreak the good merchants arrived upon the scene with
shovels and wheelbarrows, and before the sun of the new year was an
hour old they had provided for all these provisions-had stowed them
away in their cellars, and nicely arranged them on their shelves, ready
for sale to the deserving poor."
S. E.-And the little girl-what became of her ?
P. C.-You mustn't get ahead of the little story. (Reads.)
When they had got down to the wicked little orphan who had
not been content with her lot, some one fetched a broom, and she
was carefully swept. Then they lifted her tenderly, and carried her
to the coroner. That functionary was standing in the door of his
office, and with a deprecatory wave of his hand he said to the man
who was bearing her-
"'There-go away my good fellow; there was a man here three
times yesterday trying to sell me that identical map.' "
UPON a steamer
An idle dreamer
Floated down tow'rds Margate Pier;
Afore the funnel
Close by the gunnel,"
He, smoked his Cuba and drank his beer.
He passed his time, and the miles flew by ;
And dreams of boyhood,
That time of joyhood,
Awoke his senses, and dimmed each eye.
Again a scholar,
With clean round collar,
He played with marbles and such like toys.
Another drink, sir,"
I'll have, I think, sir,-
He drank the memory of early joys.
Then days, when older,
With love made bolder,
He first of sweethearts began to think,
Rose up in fancy-
He thought of Nancy-
He thought, and ordered a special drink.
Drinking and dreaming,
And onward steaming,
They reached the goal, and they ne'er got sunk.
The shame is burning,
But when returning,
I can't help thinking my man was drunk.
THe Thunderbolt is dead. It seems to have died for the purpose of
showing that it once lived, for its final number was the first we ever
saw. For the convenience of those who would like to know what the
Thunderbolt was, we may as well state that it was a Plymouth
" comic," the comicality of which must have evaporated during the
process of printing.
AUvoST 29, 1874.]
SIHE TRUE STORY OF BAZAINE'S ESCAPE.*
(St'cAL TELEGRAPHIC DESPATCH FROM OUR SPECIAL TELEGRAPHIC
AT the moment of telegraphing the flag of Germany waves over
Bazaine the Free' You may remember that when we removed the
flag of Germany from our first floor window after the last Royal
Welcome, I told-you it would soon be wanted again. That flag, care-
fully concealed in my portmanteau, accompanied me some three weeks
ago to theIlede Sainte Marguerite. That flag played an important
part in the escape which, when these lines reach you, will be a matter
of history. The Escape of Bazaine was planned and executed by your
Special Commissioner, alone and unaided. Facts speak for themselves.
Achille-d ce soir A ce soir,.James!
We called each other by .our .christian names. I was attached to
his staff before, circumstances compelled me to join yours. I had
interviewed him and arranged every detail of his escape, but her
obstinately refused to leave .his prison. I was under contract with
several important journals, including your own, to make him the hero,
of the lull season. Leaders, -special despatches, full and authentic
accounts were written, and waiting a signal from me. I swore he
should leave his prison that night. He did.
Two hours after sunset I was again in his cell. Every effort to
persuade him to escape had 'been fruitless. At last I resorted to
desperate remedied. I mesmerised him.
He wasgdead to the present--but not to the past.
"Achille," I whispered, ",you are in Metz. You must get out."
You nust; the eyes of Europe are upon you."
"-Yourrope! 'Where is it ?"
Here ;" and I' handed him the now historical cord.
He ties it carefully to the bar of the cell window and tried its
What is your weight ? I asked, anxiously.
"Twenty-eight stone by the Patent Weighimg Chair."
Good; the cord will just bear you."
"You are sure I am getting out of Metz, James ?"
"Quite." The next instant he was outside, swinging in the cold
At this moment a goaler entered cautiously. I fancied I heard,
something escaping," he exclaimed.
You did. It was the gas; turn it off at the meter."
He turned contemptuously on his heel and retired. I ran to the
door and locked it. Then I looked through the window. The
Marshal was still swinging in the cold night air.
"I want to get into Metz again-it's warmer there," he wailed.
"Nonsense. Drop "
He dropped himself, and a French oath immediately afterwards.
This is very hard! "
He referred to the rock upon which he had just alighted.
If the rocks hurt you try a piece of (f)lint."
The moon rose grandly over the waters, and by its pearly light he
saw the joke. He invited me down. The vicissitudes of a life
devoted to sensational literature had made me an adept in the art of
lowering myself, and in a moment I was by his side. No boat was to
be seen, and the sea was fearfully rough.
Suddenly a brilliant idea struck me. Drawing the account of the
man and dog fight from my pocket I laid it on the beach. Land and
water refused to swallow it, therefore it would float upon the ocean.
I made it into a paper boat and we seated ourselves in it.
We endeavoured on a map of Hanley to identify the locality of the
fight, and were instantly at sea.
I borrowed half-a-crown of the Marshal and raised the wind.
I hoisted Full Confession of Our Own Commissioner," and we had
a rapid sail.
At the side of the first ship we met I parted with the MarshaL
His nether garments had sustained sundry damages in transit. I
handed him the flag of Germany, and with portions of that he repaired
Thus," he exclaimed, as he stood proudly on the deck of an Italian
yacht, thus will I invade the territory of our enemy. When next
you hear of me the despised Marshal of France will have entered
This is the true story of the Marshal's escape. To my editor first
and then to posterity I look for due appreciation of my efforts.
What form will it take, I wonder ?
Spoons on him!
THE real Fiddle Pattern."-Herr Joachim.
Delayed in transmission.
IT, perhaps, is utter folly,
But I very often say
It must be extremely jolly
Writing a successful play.
How some people seem to do it
:Is a puzzle to the press ;
I -believe -when they get through it
They're surprised at their success!
How shall I, this end attaining,
*Be a' writer for-the stage ?
By a little paper staining,"
Happily become the rage !"
What should be the plot and passion,
What the teaching it should claim-
Old or modern in its fashion-
What should be the end and aim'?
Shall it be severe and moral-
Norman keep-or groves of coral-
Furniture, or picturesque?
Girls with minimum of flounces-
Crowds of ".super men at arms-
Blue-red-purple fire by ounces-
Thunder, lightning, and alarms" ?
Shall it be a page romantic
Out of volume of Debrett ?
Orfrom o'er the broad Atlantic-
Where the people say you bet" ?
Shall it be from Eastern story,
Warm with sun of Southern lime ?
Fall of love-or full of glory-
Quite absurd, or quite sublime ?
Queries these for hard solution-
"Like to sucking marble eggs-
'Let us try reconstitution
Both in politics and legs!
Flags and fleshings "-chalk and cheering-
Noise and Bunkum "-paint and show-
And there's very little fearing
Politics and plays will go! "
One great item to discover
Is a handsome, clean-limbed girl;
Who can play a page or lover,
And can drink her early purl"-
Fair of hair and fair of feature-
Eyes of fire, and form divine-
"Spirit" hidden beneath creature "-
Like a pearl dissolved in wine.
All this Psyche knows of Cupid
Is cupidity-and she
For her face-so fair, but stupid-
Draws her weekly salary.
She can dance-oh! can't she crikey!
With white wavings of her arms!
People like a soulless Psyche,
If a Venus in her charm!
I've consulted a great playwright;
His advice is this-" Translate:
A new piece, of course, you may write.
But the waste of work is great.
Therefore, spite of cynics' sorrow,
And what critics may advance-
Steal-I beg your pardon-borrow,
All your plots and plays from France."
Live and Let Live.
A GENTLEMAN wishes to sell a grand setter bitch, all liver, that has
been shot over two seasons." This must be quite a natural curiosity.
A dog that has been shot for more than two seasons must be very
deadly lively as well as all liver.
AT Westminster Police-court last week a man was fined five
shillings for drinking bad champagne. And the man who sold it
remains untransported to this day. -How sad!
90 II 'J .[AUGUST 29, 1874.
( ^ '*,i-"J
44/W w /,
", ~. a'
ALEXANDRINE AND PARK-LIKE JOCULARITY.
Tall Book-maker :-"BILLY 'ERE SHOULD GIT 'IS NAME PUT IN THE LANDED GENTRY.' "
Mr. Moses :-" LANDED SHENTRY, VY ?"
T. B. :-" WHY, RoM WOT 'E SAYS. 'E's LANDED ON EVERY RACE TO-DAY. THERE AINT A MORE HEAVILYY LANDED GENT IN
AID the waiter in a
As he handed me
"I think you like
Don't you take 'em
from this dish.
Once you gave to me
At a dinner long
And to serve you now
Or to earn another
Now the best of fish
us he spoke and
heaved a sigh.
Yes, I always buy a waiter,
When at civic feast a guest;
The return is vastly greater,
For you get of helps the best.
And for every coin expended,
Now on this you may depend,
All the choicest has been blended ;
Yes, for every coin expended,
I've been carefully befriended,
Been looked after to the end.
DOTS AND LINES.
MARSHAL BAZAINE reported to be in several places at once. Every-
thing is possible to a marshal of France, it seems. = Agricultural
Labourers' march began to halt, and then halted altogether. = Ex-
lunatic at Bristol, restored to reason by jumping out of window,
wanted to punish his warder. Was it for letting him jump, or allow-
ing him to be cured ? = The Earl of Mar claims the Mar estates at
Alloa, of considerable value." Mar above par = The Temple Bar
question remains undecided. It will probably do so until the Bar
settles it for itself. = Man taken burgling at Hove, having been dis-
charged "after having served part of his sentence" for a jewel
robbery. Tickets-of-leave are simply to make jailor's work easy by
holding out prizes for seeming good conduct. = Two canoeists,"
apparently the latest euphemism for idiots," nearly drowned off
Ramsgate. Better call them "ca-noodles." = Bismarck received a
Saxon military band in Berlin, showed them over his house, and gave
them beer. Has he ever visited Blarney ? = Row at the Royal.
The Odger family distinguished itself. Let's hope it's a last
List List I oh, List I"
A FRIEND of ours who now and again thinks, when he has nothing
better to do, writes us a letter containing the following information :-
"' List' men have had a shocking bad time of it lately. Pugi-lists are
now things of the past, and happily it seems almost impossible to
dream of their revival. Street instrumenta-lists have had a severe
worrying the last year or two, and now the poor two-to-one bar-one
men are prohibited from exposing their lists. The only lists now on
exhibition are the Spiritua-lists, and the sooner they dry up the
better." We distinctly decline to pay for this, as everybody knew it
before, and we only print it so that the gentlemen who contribute so
largely to our waste-paper basket shall know the sort of stuff we
FPUJ] N .-AUGUST 29, 1874.
A LUCKY ESCAPE.
France.*-"AH, YOU'VE MANAGED TO SHOW SOME ABILITY AT LAST. WHAT A PITY, FOR THE SAKE OF
YOUR HONOUR AND MY GLORY, THAT YOU DID NOT DISCOVER IT EARLIER!"
Aueusv 29, 1874.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No.
To the salt sea-spray,
From flurry and worry-
For respite from care,
For change and fresh air
They cheerfully hurry.
1. When a piece you produce
Beware of the goose.
It.saved Rome, so they say,
But it's death to a play.
2. My pencil fetch,
I'll make a sketch-
No finished work, with toil pervaded,
But just the mere contours unshaded.
3. A little narrow winding way,
A hedge each side and trees o'erhead;-
A thorough English scene, you'll say,
As has by poets oft been said.
4. A potent fluid, whose rigation
Can make or mar a reputation.
5. How often have I, when I fished,
To catch this silvery fellow wished !
6. It's overgrown with ivy boughs,
It holds a chair and table,
And there I mildly make carouse
Whenever I am able.
7. Bh'eu, fugaces! Postumus,
How rapidly they fly from us,
They're gone or e'er a bed-post twinkles,
And leave us but grey hairs and wrinkles.
SOLUTION OF AcROSTic No. 385.-Grouse, Plenty:
Gasp, Roll, Oroide, Union, Sackbut, Empty.
(OI'RECT SOLUTIONS OF AceosTic, No. 385, received 19th Aug.:-
Alwine M.; Dor6; Muffies; little Peacocks; Noll; Miss
Ahasuerus; Brice; Chester and Ross: Pimlico Tom Cat;
Huggins, Buggins, and Muggins; Peggotty; Peggptty's
Daughters: Tea at Bryan's; W. W. G. W.; Balbus P.; Tom
and Ben ; Hammerzmith; Tamaroo Spigwiffin; Bob; Spheroid;
Boiled Owl; Insurance Broker: Gamric; M. A. P.; El Prieto;
Nevarce; Zoological Dido; Pilliloo ; W. H. Triggs; Cliff;
Josberton Partridges; Weston Iodine; Chump; Dubble and
Merak; Eric (Mona); Ozone; Three Larks; Billy the Red;
Smug; Samuel B. ; Brockley Jack; Margate Ozone; Slodger
and Tiney; Doctor Brixton; Rodrigo.
Spheroid-We note your complaint. It is better to conform
to the usual mode of spelling, that being the plan on which the
Acrostic is based.
Mrs. Sourkraut Brown :-" IT'S NO USE, BROWN ; I'VE SAID so0 BEFORE,
AND I TELL YOU I'M DETERMINED I- "
Shoeblack:-" D'YER YEAR, SIR; GOING TO HAVE A SHINE "
PAPER-KNIFE AND PEN.
British .Marine Algae (Bazaar Office, Wellington-street), is a well-
executed popular account of what we foolishly speak of as "sea-
weeds." Mr. W. H. Grattann writes clearly, and is, while
scientifically acquainted with the subject, not too profuse in learned
titles and technicalities. The illustrations are very delicate, and will
greatly assist the beginner to identify his specimens. -
Giant-Land (Henderson, Red Lion-court) is a cheap re-issue of a
tale which appeared in Our Young TFolks' Budget. Mr. Proctor's
spirited illustrations alone are worth the price of the book, which has
an effective coloured wrapper.
The Guide to Sheerness-on-Sea and the Isle of Sheppey (Times Office*)
is an exhaustive little handbook for visitors to a locality which, as the
brochure itself admits, is not as well-known and appreciated as it might
be. From its pages we learn that Sheerness, being situated on an isle,
is best approached by water," that it is made up of several towns,"
and, being on the sea, boasts a beach and bathing. The Great Eastern
resides there, and Shoeburyness lives on the Essex coast opposite. Its
wild animals are chiefly sea-gulls and oysters, and it has a rival in
Queenborough which "looks down somewhat on the pretensions of
the rest of the island." It revels also in the possession of a geology
and a climate, together with ancient inhabitants. However, joking
apart, the guide will be very useful to visitors.
From Messrs. Warne we have received four specimens of Aunt
Louisa's Toy-Books, which represent the Zoological Garden's section,
and contain several illustrations in colours of tremendously wild and
fierce looking animals, which are however balanced by some innocuous,
inoffensive, and rather toy-shop looking creatures. The libretto "
is very amusing, and contains an amount of true humour which will
doubtless be found useful in teaching children what the illustrations
are intended to represent. Altogether the books are bound to be as
Subaudi Sheerness Times.
popular as the rest of the series, though an occasional visit to the
Gardens in the Regent's Park will be found of material assistance to
the youthful students, who might otherwise grow up rivals to the fama
of the celebrated heraldic painter.
Grammar-Land (Houlston and Wright) is a little book written with
the praiseworthy object of making the study of English composition
not only easy but agreeable and entertaining. It is likely, if it
obtains the fortune it deserves, to be popular with the rising genera-
tion, for independent of its merits as a guide to grammar, the
narrative is clear, well told, and amusing. The figures in the
frontispiece are rather wooden, but the initial letters are nicely
designed and well executed.
Israel in Egypt.
THE Daily Independent has at last fixed a date for its first publica-
tion, and all London is agog. (N.B.-No connection with the giants
in Guildhall.) We are not prepared to say how long it will be after
the Independent has come out before it will go in again ; but if the
writing in its columns is to be anything like the verse which has been
issued as a kind of prospectus, we may expect to see the Commissioners
de Lunatico Inquirendo buying up and suppressing the journal in the
interests of a population which can stand a good deal, but which turns
A Spirited Advertisement.
WE beg to call the attention of the spiritualists to this :-
J the SOLICITOR who MADE the WELL of J S-, M.D., of 2,
V- G -, and who died on the 10th inst., at Brighton, will COMMUNICATE
with Mr. H-- he will oblige.
Mr. H. does not distinctly state by what means the spirit of the
solicitor who died on the 10h inst. is to communicate with him, but
we presume he intends what is, by reporters, called the solicitors'
[AUnMwr 20, 1874.
Enthusiastic but ill-mannered Admirer (to young Lady at piano) :-" A DELIGHTFUL BALLAD, Miss WARBLER, Br JOVE (Koisily.)
Miss W.:-" AN A LOVELY PIANO-BY BROADWOOD." (Quietly.)
FRow a great deal of correspondence upon nothing in particular and
everything in general which is being constantly showered upon us just
now, we select a few of the best and brightest examples, in the hope
that they will compel a proper state of feeling in the minds of our
readers, and remind them that there are seasons for everything-yea,
even for being idiotic. So prevalent is the latter feeling just now
that we feel the infection ourselves, and are half inclined to write a
letter to The Times on the subject we know least about. But as we
don't know any subject upon which we're not competent to write
exhaustively and critically, we restrain ourselves and attend to our
own correspondence, the selections from which are as follows:-
SiR,-Whene'er I take my walks abroad I feel quite at home. I
generally make my way round by Temple Bar, and standing with my
eye in fine frenzy rolling at the corner of Chancery-lane, I, heedless
of the traffic and the adjurations of the policeman to move on, conjure
up recollections of times now gone, alas, never to return. Don't tell
me, sir, that the present moment is the happiest day of our lives-I
know better, and I pine for the good old times when George the
Third, was king, and the country was a country worth living in. I
gaze, sir, on Temple Bar, and weep to think that such a glorious
structure should now be ridiculed by penny-a-liners, printers' devils,
and such like small fry. To me, Temple Bar is the finest piece of
architecture in the world. And why ? Because, sir, I am, yours very
obediently, A GoonD TEMPIAR.
SIB,-Should a man emigrate to a free country or not ?-that is the
question. And if not why not ?-tbat is the answer so far as I am
concerned. I once had a friend who emigrated to a free country, and
thought he was going to do all manner of brave things, but he didn't
find everybody in a hurry to 1l t him take their goods and chattels
away from them, and so he sat down and cried by the wayside. And
aboy came up to him and said, Oldman, why do you cry ?" Andmy
friend said, Because I am hungry, and thirsty, and tired, and weaxy,
and I wish that I might die." But instead of being like the boy in
the story books, and saying, Here is a lump of cake, old man," this
boy took up a rock and said, You lazy skunk get rip-this is a free
country, where everyone has to work for his living." Of course after
this my friend could not remain in such a benighted nation, and so he
returned, and is now engaged, like the true gentleman he is, in living
on his friends. And I don't see why anybody should emigrate when
he has friends who can support him. Besides all this, I am, yours
fraternally, A NOBLE YOUNG MAN.
Si,- What do you think of the present state of the conditions of
the Cambridgeshire and Cesarewitch handicaps? I fancy they're
pretty well, thank you; but I can't understand why one horse should
have to carry more than another, especially if he runs second in the
Leger. I can't as a rule understand anything much, but is I'm told
that anybody should be able to see this I write to express my opinions
in your valuable journal. Now if a horse runs second for a race it's
clear he doesn't run first, and so I think he's entitled to due respect
and consideration; and instead of being handicapped according to
present arrangements he should be treated to some long oats, and
warned not to do it again. I commend this to the Joekey Club, and
beg to remain yours, sir, INrFOwMER.
THE Saturday Review is to be congratulated on the acquisition of a
new sportive contributor." He apparently has never read that
delight of all educated boys, The Last of the Mohicans, for he speaks of
a horse named after the chief, Chingachgook, as "an unpleasantly-
named" horse, and then proceeds to give us this specimen of English,
which would have done credit to poor old Nicholas :-
Besides the turned loose Modena-and why she should have been turned loose
when it is remembered how she carried off the autumn nurseries of 1872-there
were those incessant performers, &e.
To this we can only answer, Why "
THE Evening Standard has been lately exercised in what it supposes
to be its mind about the increase of slang, and makes several very
alarming statements, besides taking some eminent men to task for
indulging in the vulgar but expressive luxury. The "scholarly
and gentlemnamly" writer of what for its length is a marvel of
pompous inflation and want of logic, does not seem to be aware that a
good deal of what is now called slang was once part and parcel of the
written language; that what is now language was in several instances
once slang; and that to make an arbitrary rule with regard to what is
and what isnot admissible iin the way of colloquialism is impossible.
He also doesn't seem to know that there is a dictionary of English
slang in existence; and when he talks of Macaulay defying grammar
one cannot help .wishing that Standard writers would do the same to
the same purpose. Bat in addition to other objections the article in
question is out of place. There is no more slipshod writing-for its
weight-to be found anywhere than in the Standard, morning or
evening. In. a. leader in a subsequent number, evidently the work
of the same student of the exact method of writing the English
language," we are told that Marshal Bazaine crept along a wall like
a cat." The catsof Persia, Angora, the Isle of Man, the Royal Navy
and Newgate must look to their laurels-so must the Great Wall of
China tremble forits-reputation.
ACCORDING to the Echo a most extraordinary phenomenon took
place at Chelsea the other day, as described in our contemporary's
report of an inquest:-
The deceased was standing on the barge Betsy, of Faversham, near the railway
arch, Chelsea, when the latter swung round and jerked her into the water.
We were not aware that Chelsea was given to swinging round and
jerking, and shall carefully avoid the neighbourhood in future, for it
seems almost as shaky as our contemporary's construction of sen-
Asb2strs ia taorsfnh&l ts.
[ We cannot return unaccepted MfSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
C. R. MuNo (Edinburgh).-Not having the honour of your acquaint-
ance, we fail to appreciate the familiarity with which you address us.
Such familiarity on your side breeds contempt on ours.
FamiGATOn.-And very poor smoke, too, to end in.
F. (Oxford).-That cremation joke has been done to death already.
Or.-We've an idee you left out the idee at the beginning.
RIGHT (Manchester).-We wish you would "right" legibly. We have
had to give up the attempt to read your letter, net having the time to
J. A. R. (Liverpool).-Bit. the Muse you talk of so much, has not the
jug-j ag of the nightingale.
ROBERTs.-Self-recommendation is no praise.
A. S. S.-But scarcely worth the 10s.
No. I (Brixton-hilL).-What is a Nfon de plume ?
(Galway) observes-" If you think what I send worth givin (sic) in
FUN, please do so." But we don't please to think it.
AmIcus.-When you want to attack a man in print, it is usual to begin
by saying he does not know "English grammar." When it's untrue it
doesn't hurt him, and amuses you with the idea that you are
H. T. (Kentish Town).-We will consider-the matter.
S. (Bristol).-Very sorry, but owing taill-health we have got in arrear
with our correspondence.
G. E. (Chelsea).-No, thank you!
Declined with thanks:-H. N., Cub; E. D., Wallsend; G., Richmond;
S. W., Camberwell; I. 0. U.; George, Liverpool; J 'W. N., Manchester;
In Her Majesty's Service; Shade of Old Johnson; J. G. G., Liverpool;
Vilikins; S. M., Holloway; J. G., Birmingha n; H. J. B., Buck-street;
C. rP. T., Horneastle; E. C., Kentish-town-road; Dan; J. H., Folkestone;
H. G. W., Newmarket; W. J. H., Greenwich; J. M. G,; R., Wellington;
T. W., Old Kent-road; M. L., Leeds; P., Hulme; Nemo; Cupar Fife.
HANSOM IS AS HANSOM DOES.
BILL, THIS CHAP CALLS HISSELF A HANDSOME CABBY-mLOWxin
A NICE SCHOOL.
The authorities at the Industrial School at Felt ham have
refused to receive a boy on account of a slight disfigu recent to
his face. They wish all their boys to look welL"-Daily Paper.
THE Greeks of old, so we've been taught,
Considered it a bounden duty
To turn their classic backs on aught
That could not boast the gift of beauty.
This feature-worship still employs
(Would Fate a nobler task had dealt 'em!)
The folk who choose but comely boys
To ornament their school at Feltham.
How could prosaic people think
They would allow or scars or pimples
To mar complexions white and pink,
And perfect lips and chins and dimples ?
Let ugly boys the workhouse seek;
'Twas vain to plead, no words could melt 'em-
A face once marked by Nature's freak
Was branded as unfit for Feltham.
The favoured lads whom fate has blessed
With special grace of form and feature,
Have doubtless on their minds impressed
Their right to flout a plainer creature.
Fit men their guides to fiercely flay-
With scornful words one fain would pelt 'em;
But scorn and words are thrown away.
On folk so vain as those at Feltham.
A Dead Certainty.
IF we may trust the Windsor and Eton Express the
Mayor of Windsor has signed a notice of tolls which not
unnaturally caused some excitement:-
THE BRIDGE TOLLS.-No little excitement has been created in
the towns of Windsor and Eton, especially in the latter, by a
notice, signed by the Mayor of Windsor, stating that from and
after the 7th day of August inst. the following tolls would be
collected at the bridge :-For every hearse or coach passing over
the bridge with a dead corpse, 6s. 8d.
ITthe charge for a hearse with "a dead corpse" is six-
and-eightpence, would the authorities make a reduction
(say of the six shillings) for a live corpse ?
MN. PLIMesoT should give attention to the chief trade
of Sheffield-as it-is cutle-ry.
AvGUST 29, 1874.1
IP I no."
[AUGUST 20, 1874.
A SEA-SIDE INCIDENT.
Proprietor of small dog :-" HULLo, BROWN, WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT-A HUNTING DOG ?"
Brown (a fancier) :-"No; CAN'T YOU SEE, STOOPID, IT'S A LAP DOG-HE'LL LAP YOURS UP IN ABOUT A MINUTE' IF YOU DON'T LOOK
OUT. HE'S JUST BEEN INTO A BATHING MACHINE, AND EATEN AN OLD GENTLEMAN'S TROUSERS TO GIVE HIM AN APPETITE." .,,.
The Saturday Journal fully carries out its purpose as a cheap
magazine for the people, plentifully illustrated. The pictures appear
for the chief part to be foreign, but they are well executed, and the
letter-press is eminently readable, although here and there we meet
with familiar reprint.
Good Things shows no falling-off.
Of the merits of The North and West (Hutchings and Romer,
Conduit-street), written by D. Morley, and composed by H. Morley, it
is sufficient perhaps to say that it is dedicated to the Duke and
Duchess of Edinburgh, and that the words are commonplace, if not
worse-at any rate where the following exquisite rhyme occurs-
Welcome to your home
In English hearts you'll find a place, they claim you for their own.
The music, we may add, is quite as good as the words.
Mignonette, a caprice pour piano, by Madame Burch La Deuze, is a
very tasteful and pleasing composition.
Received:-Le Follet, The Mirror, Our Young Folks' Budget, The
Gardener's Magazine, The Young Ladies' Journal, Westminster Papers,
Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Golden Hours, Town and Country,
Cook's Bxcursionist. :
"A Little Knowledge."
THE American Gentleman's Newspaper, Wilkes's Spirit, which is
supposed by those who are not able to judge to know all about Eng-
land and English people, has got in a slight fog about the latest
Telegraphic invention, the dog and dwarf fight. Wilkes's has confused
Hanley with Henley, and thinks the performance, as described by
" Our Own," was part of the regatta sports. The occasion is im-
proved of course, and Harvard and Atalanta are once more avenged.
We're sorry for the American gentlemen who have been led astray,
and must apologise to them for not having had the battle by the side
of the River Thames. And our sorrow is shared by the denizens of
Peterborough-court, although they have got Brummy chained by the
leg in the editorial sanctum. They'd like to have had it anywhere.
A Walking Wedding.
THE Globe in its account of a recent marriage in high life describes
The bride walked on the arm of her father.
We should fancy that the bridegroom must have been a little alarmed
to see the acrobatic manner in which his future wife takes her walk-
CROSBYIS BALSAMIC COUGH ELIXIR DR. ROOKES
8 specially recommended by several eminent physicians, and by Dr. ROOKE A N T I L A N C E T
Scarborough, author of the "Airr-LANCET." It haS been used with the
most signal success for Asthma, Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza, ALL who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong life, should
Consumptive Night Sweats, Spitting of Blood, Shortness of Breath, and all A read Dr. Rooke's Anti-Lancet," or, Handy Guide
ons of the Throat and Chest. to Domestic. Medicine," which can be had gratis from any
Sold in bottle at Is. 9d.,4s. 6d., "' 1 Is. each, by all respectable Chemists, and Chemist, or post free from Dr. Rooke, Scarborough. Concerning this
*. Invalids should read CRos, Prize Treatise on "Diseases of the book, which contains 168 pages, the late eminent author, Sheridan
Lung s and Air Vessels," a oopy of which can be had gratiof all Knowles, observed:-"It will be an ncalculable boon to every person
Chemfste. who can read and think."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, Augest 29, 1874.
SEPTEMBEn 5, 1874.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 388.
WITH many a double,
Through turnips and stubble,
The dogs make their way,
To hunt up the prey;
And when evening's descended,
And shooting is ended,
With plenty of birds are the game-bags distended.
1. Dom Perignon of Perpignan,
A holy monk, and worthy man,
Discovered first champagne, and eke
To guard the bottle-necks from leak.
2. The Gaul did to his ears his shoulders raise
In giving his assent in native phrase.
Humph !" cried the Briton," how's a chap to twig,
When you just answer like a little pig ? "
3. I do not like this kind of rue,
To me it's vapid, useless, crude;
There is no nourishment, 'tis true,
In meat that isn't fit for food.
4. His Holiness sat down to mend
A quill, and then a letter penned
That, through all lands from end to end,
He to the faithful meant to send,
That they his will might comprehend.
5. It seems to me, the more I think,
That with the good old times"
One virtue" you can barely link,
And quite "a thousand crimes."
To judge from facts within our ken,
I'd rather far live now than-then.
6. To me it doesn't quite accord
With wisdom, let me say,
Because you have to draw the sword,
To throw the sheath away.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC, No. 386.-Houses, Recess:
Honour, Octave, Unpoetic, Sleeve, Excess, Sorites.
CORRECT SoLurTOss or ACROSTIc No. 886, received 26th August:
-Love; Your Own James; Ruby's Ghost; D. E.. H.
DOTS AND LINES.
MARSHAL MACMAHON is starring in the provinces. He will reappear
in Paris with that unpopular farce The Assembly." = The Welsh
have been Eisteddfoding. Beer-barrels have suffered from leeks. =
China and Japan have quarrelled. A tempest in teacups. = The
Queen's trip to Balmoral delayed by a Deesided inundation. = The
Bishop of Lincoln thinks good must come out of the discussion," as
to whether it is decent to carry bigotry beyond the grave. It pro-
bably will-but not to the Bishop. = The Dean of Arches has
reversed the reredos decision. It seems ecclesiastical law is as
uncertain as any other. = It has been decided at the Old Bailey that
Peculiar People may let their children die. More Peculiar than
Particular People. = Dr. Mary Walker is going to Constantinople as
private physician to the Seraglio. Poor Seraglio! Happy America!
= Brussels Conference prolongs its sitting. Why ? It will hatch out
nothing. = Notice has been given to French Bonapartist papers to
abstain from calling Bazaine Marshal. This is rather worse than
locking the stable door. when the horse is stolen. = A spiritualist
swindle was revealed at Newcastle the other day by means of a dark
lantern. They had better keep their seances dark too. = We have
growled about the weather all the summer. We are getting it hot for
it now. = Considerable doubt as to the truth of the story of Bazaine's
escape. The fact nevertheless is indisputable, so what's the odds! -
Foresters' FAte at the Crystal Palace. Great triumph of Jack-in-the-
Green and Guy Fawkes combined. = Conservative inaction has pro-
moted Liberal reaction. = Fine harvest-time. The crops have not
gone a cropper.
THE sagacity of animals is always an interesting study, and we are
deeply indebted to many eminent gentlemen for the manner in which
they have shown us that the dumbest of animals can at times speak to
the feelings of those possessed of sufficient sense to understand them.
First Volunteer :-" COME, JONES, YOU MUSN'T HAVE ANY MORE OF THIS;
YOU'LL SEE TWO BULL'S-EYES."
Second Ditto :-" ALL RIGHT, OLD FELLOW, ALL THE BETTER; CAN'T MAKE
A BAD SCORE-BOUND TO HIT ONE OF THEM."
But the most ambitious effort of the naturalist falls far short of the
following new, true, and seasonable story:-
A large number of rats having recently frequented a house at Hove, near
Brighton, an inspection of the premises was made. It was found that most of the
rats came from the drain connected with the house, but among other things a
piano was incidentally inspected, when a large rat and five young ones were found
secreted in the works. The old rat, on finding its place of concealment observed,
singled out and flew at the lady of the house, who was directing the search. She
was immediately, in consequence, seized with a fit, and only recovered to find her-
self seriously ill.
This all comes of having Mr. Reeves Smith and Mr. Frank Buckland
at Brighton, and shows that the higher education of animals is not
always beneficial. The mention of the piano strikes a tender chord in
our bosom, and makes us think that the foregoing narrative might be
set to slow music, and played on the favourite instrument of the famed
A RHYME IN SEASON.
Toil through stubble,
Powder burn, the birds to trouble.
Brace of mine,
Two brace of thine,
And three birds more will make up nine.
Aw adventurous Newcastle tradesman took a bull's-eye lantern with
him to a spiritualistic seance, and turned on the light suddenly during
the most secret part of the performance. 'To this two other North-
umbrians took exception, and a police-court summons was one of the
ultimate results. At the hearing of the case defendants stated that
"the sudden turning on of the light of the lantern produced dangerous
effects in the case of one of the mediums." The magistrates seemed
to see this, and dismissing the summons, succeeded, if only for once, in
securing a happy medium.
[SEPrTEMBE 5, 1874.
.FU. OFFICE, Wednesday, Sept. 2, 1874.
AN OLP STORY NEWLY READ.
THE land of. cakes is decked with smiley
-.Vtih sm le-. are all Scotch faces beamin ;
A w, 11-fored Queen with them begmuile
The hours, 'mid peaks, 'mid lakelets gleaming.
But England much misgives; in doubt
She a.dlv looks t.:. her whom fashion
Will n'.t c.:t on t all without;
Wail.- Irland &isc in quite a passion.
Poo.-r Ireland'sg 1qt is sadly cast;
Sbhe rarely lookti on royal faces.
She's, always left' unto the last;
Quite Lt is she of these three Graces.
No. I.-T E, BRITISH TOURIST.
NOWADAYS, what with Bank Holidays and Cheap Excursions, nearly
everybody is mote or leps a' 'tourist in England, though the trip may
not be beyond Richmond, Gravesend, Broxbourne, or N..r wood The
holiday-makers have gained experience, and availed themselves of their
privileges lik "old travellers. It is refreshing to see with what utter
saing froid they make straight for the first-class carriages though they
have only third-class tickets:. They know that on such occasions
station-masters', guards, and porters are at their mercy, and they take
fall revenge for the treatment they receive when not enfdte. The first-
class compartments may be already filled by their lawful occupants,
but that matters not; our holiday friends crowd in, stand on their toes,
and f ,our them with an extemporaneous concert. Obsequious porters
open Ite J.:.:.rs of the already overweighted carriages to amit fresh
arrivals, but the first invaders unselfishly'protst. It is wil if the
extra weight does not produce a hot axle, for a panic uni er such'
circumstances is an ugly thing.
The bolder spirits who face the perils of ocean and go to Ramsgate
by boat have their peculiar charms too. They are learned in nautical
matters, and point out the buoys on the sands as portions of wreck,
and account for the strange appearance of the Light Vessel at the Nore
by saying she is disabled and exhibiting a signal of distress. They
interrogate the crew as to the chances of stormy weather round the
Foreland, and nerve themselves for the struggle with warm brandy-
and-water and inferior cigars. They land at the pier sick and
solemn, but recover sufficiently by next day to visit the pier again,
and jeer at the newcomers who have undergone what they suffered
In speaking of tourists who travel yet farther a-field, of course we
instinctively think of Cook's tourists; but they are generally quiet,
respectable, steady-going folks, with a definite plan for their holiday
trip. The objectionable tourist who goes "for a spree" with no
settled notions except that he will stop wherever there is any life,"
and turn aside as he likes in search of that article, turns up his nose at
Cook's tourists, and is a general annoyance. We met with several
specimens of him the other day crossing the Channel. A pleasant
little group they were, apparently under the impression that they
ought to behave as if they were bound for Margate. They smoked in
the cabin and talked loudly, though the sofas were occupied by people
trying to sleep. They shouted outside the ladies' cabin, where there
were children. They swore at the steward when he remonstrated
with them, and asked him-the boat, owing to the number of passen-
gers, having missed a tide-" Why the he didn't take the boat on
to Paris as it was advertised ?" Apparently they were not aware that
the steward is not in command, or that the boat did not go to Paris.
They made loud and vulgar comments on the passengers round them,
and clattered up and down the companion-way, as noisily as they could.
It was pleasant to see that when the bcat started, sea-sickness affected
what propriety could not, and kept them quiet.
It is curious to note the restlessness that seizes the inexperienced
tourists directly they come on board. They wander about aimlessly,
ascending and descending the cabin stairs as if they had just come off
the treadmill and could not break themselves of the habit contracted
there. When there are many of them the constant tramping is
unendurable. It's like all the beasts going into the ark," said one
invalid, querulously, after an hour and a half's constant clatter. Of
course when the boat starts all places are taken; the wanderers are
compelled to wander under the tryingcircumstances of an unsteady deck.
They stagger about wildly, clutching at space or anything else bandy,
and when they come down the cabin stairs, generally take the last six
steps in one bound. They end by becoming huddled heaps of draggled
clothes in odd nooks and corners on deck.
Another cheerful sample of tourist was, apparently, a commercial
traveller, an old fellow with a grey beard and a face like a satyr. He
seemed to wish to beo the fascinating fellow, and to accomplish that
object stood just outside the ladies' cabin and made coarse remarks,
accentuating them by pretending afterwards to have forgotten where he
was. He offered his escort to a young Frenchwoman who was ascending
the stairs-" Vous marchez sur le deck ? je viendrai." He eventually
subsided and disappeared, let us hope to be as ill as he deserved. It is
pleasant under all annoyances, and when one is not subject to the
malady oneself, to know that once over the bar the majority of these
tormentors will succumb to the roll of the water, and become as con-
temptible as they are disagreeable.
One thing one cannot help remarking on board the Channel boats,
and that is the patience and endurance of the stewardesses and
stewards. They have to bear with the rudeness, the worry, the abuse,
and when these are abolished by the levelling influence of sea-sickntss
they have only a change in the form of annoyance, for then com-
imences the unpleasant performance of their duty of attending on
those who are ill and not ashamed.
What a chorus it is! The composer of the Harmonious Black-
smith might well have made something of the Inharmonious
Invalids." There's the woman who shrieks, the man who groans,
there are those who bellow like oxen, bray like donkeys, blow like
whales, bleat like sheep, crow like cocks, and grunt like swine. There
is no sound under heaven that sea-sickness does not adopt for its
unearthly diapason as the ship rolls and pitches on the waters.
SAM not' much
Nor do I groan
As men have
done at sud-
I'm not insane
Nor am I vain,
Yet I have
been a hun-
I am not given
much to pelf,
Nor do I slide
When I can
Sometimes I ride
It you may
But by this
Sometimes I ride
The other night
-we both rode
__-7 ) M y second self
Is made of delf,
From him I often drink my stout.
The demons laughed
And goblins chaffed-
This picture shows our state of doubt.
It isn't right, I've often thought,
For men of mind
To ride behind,
Unless gymnastics they've been taught.
I saw a ghoul
Or I'm a fool,
So slipped away and ne'er was caught.
It is the Cause!
COLONEL HENDERSON reports 'that there are no less than eight
hundred cab-drivers in London who are total abstainers. Knowing
what teetotal oratory is, we are not surprised that people should
complain that cabmen are abusive.
SEPTEMBER 5, 1874.]
FaoM MR. JABEZ HOPE, OF CarCAno, TO Ma. PIKE WANDEL, O0
December 2nd, 1870.
I WILL not bore you, my dear fellow, with a description of my
journey into this rather cold region. Suffice it that by the time the
train arrived within one hundred miles of this city the passengers, who
had for some hours been in various stages of unconsciousness from cold,
had all become quite stiff and insensible, myself amongst them, and of
them. The next things I remember are the hum of low voices, and
the gentle pressure of fingers on my wrist. Then I felt wrenching
pains in all my limbs, followed by a stinging flush over the whole
surface of the body, and awoke to full consciousness to find myself
lying on my back in a hot steamy atmosphere beneath what appeared
to be a dome of inconceivable height and dimness. Stretched out
rigidly in similar attitude on either hand, I beheld the bodies of my
late fellow passengers, in a long straight row. We were lying on a
perforated table of iron, through which steam aspired in thin clouds,
so that the whole interior was drowned in hot vapours in which
loomed spectral figures, gliding here and there, vanishing in recession
or augmenting in approach.
I comprehended the situation in a moment, or thought I did. With
a painful effort I sat bolt upright. As I did so a voice from behind
me cried out in emotionless mechanical tones:
Number 37 limber. Check him off and shake him out."
With that two demons came out of the gloom and laid hold of my
"Hold off, my lads," I gasped, endeavouring to free myself;
"there's a mistake. I'm Jabez Hope, of New Orleans, firm of Hope
and Wandel, wholesale boots and shoes. Strong churchman; no
niggers since the war, and always voted the straight Democratic
ticket. I have had no -trial. Let go, I tell you! Call the head
Then the two fiends laughed laughs, and one said.to the other :
Guess this happy thinks there's been a smashaop, .andt4Ihat his
wife's a widder."
Turning to me he said, with a reassuring grin:
"It's all right, old man; yer in the thawin'-room at the station,
and yer done to a turn. Now come along and identify yer traps and
calamities; the kerridge waits."
I was taken out, claimed my luggage, and was driven to.my hotel.in
a coach with a stove in it. It sounds like a lie, but your partner, dear
Pikey, never fibs. It is cold in Chicago, believe me.
Now to business. Like Michigan is frozen hard. Fancy, 0 child
of a torrid clime, a sheet of nobody's ice three hundred miles long,
forty miles wide, and four feet thick! My plan is to collar that ice.
Wind up the present business and send on the money at .once. I'll'
build a warehouse bigger than the Capitol at Washington, store itiful4,
and ship to your orders as the market may require. I can send it dn
planks for skating-floors, in ornaments for the mantel, in nuggets for
cocktails, or in solution for ice creams and general household purposes.
It's a big thing!
I enclose a thin slip as a sample. Did you ever see such beautiful
FROM MR. PIKE WANDEs, OF Nrw ORLEAnn S, TO MR. JABsz -Ho,
December 24th, 1870.
Your letter was so abominably defaced by blotting and blurring
that it was entirely illegible. It must have come all the way by
water. By the aid of chemicals and photography, however, I have
made it out. But you forgot to enclose the sample.
I have sold off everything by auction, at an alarming sacrifice, and
enclose cheque for net amount. Shall begin to spar for orders at once.
I trust everything toyou-but, I say, has anybody ever tried to grow
ice in this vicinity ? There is Lake Pontchartrain, you know; I
would rather languish in boots and shoes all my life than do anything
to make this city as cold as Chicago; but would it have that effect ?
If you think the suggestion worth anything keep it dark and let me
know what your notions are.
P.S -The general -course of the prevailing winds is from the city
toward the lake.
Faox' MR. JADaZ HOPE, O C0HICAGO, TO MR. PIKE WANDEL, OF
February 29th, 1871.
3Wannie, tear, if'you could see our new warehouse it would do your
heart good! Though.made of boards, and run up rather hastily, it is
as pretty as a picture, and cost a deal of money, though I pay no
ground rent. Do you think we ought to have a steeple on it ? It
Several intermediate letters are lost. The Pontchartrain scheme came to
will hold I don't know how many thousand tons, and is already nearly
full. I have fifty men employed day and night cutting and storing-
awful cold work! By the way, the ice, which when I wrote you last
was ten feet thick, is now thinner. But don't worry, there is plenty.
The warehouse is eight or ten miles from the town, so I am not
much bothered by visitors, of which I am very glad. Such a
sniggering giggling lot I never saw !
It seems almost too absurdly incredible, but do you know, Wannie,
I believe this ice of ours holds its coldness as the warm weather comes
on. I do indeed, .and you may mention the fact in the advertise-
FROM Ma. PIKE WANDEL, or NEW ORLEANS, TO MR. JAB HOPE,
March 7th, 1871.
All goes well; I get hundreds of orders. We shall do a roaring trade
as the Semperfrigid Ice Company. But you have not told me whether
the ice is fresh or salt. If it is fresh it won't do for cooking, and if it
is salt it will spoil the cocktails and juleps.
Is it as cold close to the bone as the outside cuts are ?
FRox .MR, JABEZ HOQP, OF CaiCOAq, TO MR. PIKB WANDBL, ,O
March 1.9th, 1871.
Navigation on the lakes isnow open, and ships are leaving 4or the
north every day. I'm afloat, en route for Buffalo, with all the assets
of Hope and Wandel in my waistcoat pocket. We're bust out, my
dear Pikie; we are to fortune and to fame unknown. A schooner
from Milwaukee was wrecked last night about ten miles noth of
this port, on an enormous cube of floating ice-the first berg.ever seen
in the lakes. It:is.described by the survivors as being about the aize
of the Capitol at Washington. Half of that iceberg belongs ,to you,
The fact is I built our warehouse on an unfavourable site, about a
mile out from shore-on the ice, you understand-and when the thaw
came it sank with all its contents. You will be so glad to lhnow that
I was not in it at the time.
P.S.-What a ridiculous question you ask .me. Bone, ix deed! My
poor Wanny, you don't seem to know anything about theice blsinues.
AT evening in;the winter time
I like to .nestle near the fire,
At leisure polishing a rhyme,
Or dosing to my heart's desire.
'lhebaet the weather blow or freeze,
"iha.torrent stream along the street;-
JItittle. are when well at ease
Within my snug and safe retreat.
Should thyme and reverie grow fiat,
I take a volume off the shelf,
And enter on a cosy chat
Between its author and myself.
Should he appear a gloomy.guest
I straight iuvite a dozen more.
'.(My library is quite a nest
f ancient and of modern lore.)
I call my Shelley or my Pope,
My Burns, my Dryden, orjny eats -;
Or, if I need a higher scqe,
My Milton here my Dante meets.
For prose I summon Dicky Steele,
Mild Addison or burly 8am ;-
'Or, coming later'down, appeal
To Hazlitt, Hunt, or Charley Lamb.
In Space's and in Time's despite
They hail from ev'ry land and age;
With some I talk for half a night,
With some -for only half a page.
They all are clever. 'Frankly, tnougl,
In brains I bear away the bell;
For they have told me all they know,
And all I know I never tell.
Ten to One.
WHrEN Mr. Ten Broeck was over here his luck was proverbial. It
doesn't seem to have deserted him now, for when he was shot full in
the forehead the bullet obligingly went right round, rather than
destroy such a "jolly old owner."
Kate :-" WHAT WOULD YOU LUKE TO BE, CHARLIE, WHEN YOU GROW UP ?"
Charlie:-" O, I SHOULD LIKE TO BE LIRE ARDIE (his eldest brother, BUT I MIGHT
GROW UP A GIRL, YOU KNOW "
Charity versus Organisation.
THERE are so many persons ready and willing not only to use but
to abuse all institutions from which anything other than hard labour
can be obtained, that we are as a rule chary of ventilating the
grievances with which the needy portion of the population is too
often possessed. We cannot, however, allow a letter in a weekly
contemporary referring to the Charity Organisation Society to pass
unnoticed, if only because of the statement put forth by the Society
people themselves. After introducing himself and a few other par-
ticulars, the writer goes on to say:-
The hours stated for applicants are from 10 to 12, and from 4 to 6. I arrived a
little after 4 p.m., but there was no one at the office, and I waited about till past 6
in.m., before anyone came. After stating my case, that I have been suffering for
[SEPTEMBER 5, 1874.
A PuRsoN deeply read in books
Was Xerxes Apemantus Crooks.
To read and read
Was quite a greed
With Xerxes Apemantus Crooks.
It was not History he read;
He did not care for that, he said.
'Twas partly squibs,
And partly fibs,-
He did not care for that, he said.
Astronomy was not his line;
The stars were competent to shine,
He said, without
His aid no doubt:-
He was content to let them shine!
He sought not scientific lore;
He frankly said it was a bore.
Your science might
Be all quite right,
But still he thought it was a bore.
He did not study works on Art;
It didn't suit his apple-cart,-
He used to say
In his quaint way,
It didn't suit his apple-cart.
You may be fancying, perchance,
He was a reader of romance.
No! not a bit;
That wasn't it-
He was no student of romance.
And now I think I hear you say-
"Then what the dickens was it, pray ? "
Your patience flown,
I hear you moan-
"Then what the dickens was it, pray P?"
Well, Xerxes Apemantus Crooks
Read all the books composed by cooks.
He loved receipts
For roasts and sweets,
Did Xerxes Apemantus Crooks.
He'd read of partridge stuffed with leeks
Until the tears ran down his cheeks.
And when he read
Of collared head,
He very often wept for weeks.
Devoted to his cookery books
Was Xerxes Apemantus Crooks; -
By day and night
'Twas his delight
To read those moving cookery books.
MR. TxNNYsoN has been writing to
Walt Whitman to condole with him on a
rheumatic attack, from which the Laureate
has also been suffering. He will not
have to condole with him on a fit of
some considerable time with a spinal complaint, I asked if they would grant me
some temporary relief. I was told that the society only assisted those who oould
assist themselves, and that I ought to apply to the parish for relief.
Those who can assist themselves most, and who therefore come in for
the chief benefits of the Organisation, appear to be the Organisation's
own officers. Verbum sap. It does indeed seem as if there were a
great deal more organisation than charity about the so-called Charity
Organisation Society, the one selected being by no means a solitary
instance of its selfishness and intolerance.
WHY is the selling of gravel and sand like the hand-rail of a
Because it's a ballast-trade.
F -U' N .- SEPTEMBER 5, 1874.
THE THREE GRACES.-A NEW VERSION.
Sootland:-" WELCOME ONCE MORE, YOUR MAJESTY."
England:-" MAY WE NOT SOME DAY LOOK FOR YOUR ROYAL PRESENCE"
Ireland:-" SURE, AND YOUR HONOUR'S MAJESTY, IT'S BREAKING OUR HEARTS WE ARE FOR A
YOUR KOINDLY FACE."
SEPTEMBER 6, 1874.] L?1TTN 1FU3
ODE TO OCEAN.
WELcoME, bounding ocean,
Welcome, leaping wave,
Your glad sparkling motion
Is the joy I crave.
Humph!-such pleasant breezes
Shame 'tis to pollute. b l
Smoking now displeases--
Henpee, you vile cheroot!
Qcpe I adore you-
Np rver feel. so well
Au when bounding o'er you
With a freshening swell.
Dinner ? Not at present,
It is close below,
And the deck's so pleasant,
Eating I'll forego.
Lo the white spray flying
O'er our vessel sweeps ,
She, to helm replying,
OnwArd bravely keeps.
Every rope grows.tauter,
As the surges spill;-
Brandy and hot water ?-
Thaiik you, yes, I will.
Welcome,, bounding ocean,
Welcome, rising gale:
Bless me, I've a notion
That I'm feeling pale.
All the folks I see
gazing are my face in- "THE Fa AST OF REASON."
Hang it; oh, dear me! ,
Hi, there! Stew*- o Man of Mind:-" BEEN OUT oF TOWN, Baown OR ARE YOU GOING ?"
Man of Matter :-" BOTH, MY BOY; BEEN TO A EBANFEAST' AT ROSHERVILP AND
SHiehiatus valde deflendus. GOING TO A WHITEBAITT' AT GRINNIDoE."
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS. dry. But to return to the verses. I had intended to do a copious
description of myself shooting in the Highlands, giving a Homeric
Si,-Ion the midst of the happy time I have been having with the version of the slaughter, and of then turning incidentally to the
grouse, and the whisky, and the well buttered bannocks of barley- Leger and reviewing each horse's pretentions at length, the whole to
meal, you will perhaps admit that I have not been neglectful of the make a complete number of the paper. But I must admit .I failed.
duties for which I am specially engaged at a liberal salary upon your As it took nearly a hogshead of the best double distilled to produce
paper. I say liberal salary because it helps to fill up th line, and this, I thought it was hardly worth while to continue, as it might
because though the nominal amount is small the perquisites tell up prove slightly enigmatical, and wouldn't pay at the price
considerably. Besides, the position is something, as I find even in the stl ene mtc nd woued th p are atic e
wilds of Scotland; and if I were not of an extremely modest and un- Uipon my fort's my native heath,
assuming disposition I might have my head turned, so important a b l acaugspur is my name;
person am I considered here, and so much is my skill with the deadly The grouse they all go down beneath
tube admired. What with Dukes wishing to be introduced to me, My gun's avenging flame.
and Princes of the Blood pressing. snuff-mulls upon my acceptance, I The wind is whistling in my teeth,
get now and again slightly confused, and only recover my usual Andspoils my little game.
confidence and unassuming yet determined demeanour by application And so, as- the verse fails me, and the combined aristocracy and
to the silver-gilt and elegantly engraved toddy-flask I keep srung at landed proprietary of the neighbourhood in which this is written are
my side,.in company with the double-barrelled Highland pistols and waiting to give me a farewell banquet before I depart tc shoot the St.
skene-dhu without which no gentleman's library- I mean grouse- Partridge, as I have somewhere heard it called, I must cut matters
shooting equipment-is complete. I trust you will understand that short and conclude with a final if prosy selection for the Great Don-
the dignity of your paper-I think I may in this case say our paper- caster St. Leger. In my minds-eye there are Atlantic and George
is not to be kept up without a little extra expenditure, and so when my Frederick struggling for the mastery, while, close up is Apology, who
messenger calls, if you can't understand his Gaelic utterances you may turns the tables upon Trent. Auis -ua.
take it from me, that, as the immortal Swiveller has it, fork's the
word." I am not at all inclined to be objectionable, and if you will
only behave like a beneficent editor should under the circumstances, and
enable me to represent the paper as the paper should be represented Pall-mallesque.
among the nobility and aristocracy as well as the royalty of the land, TuE Pall-mallt Gazette, like th e truly gentlemanly journal it is, likes
I may present you with one of the numerous malls already referred to a bit of fun now and then. Sometimes the subject chosen is rather
upon my return. [This is a very transparent dodge, although a funereal, as in the following, but the ability and the effort in the cause
second-hand envelope with the Glasgow post-mark has been used. of gentlemanliness are none the less apparent :-
We don't believe Augspur has ever let a gun off in his life, or would UICIDE AT WE5TBOURNE PARK STATION.
know one if he hadn't seen it in the shop-windows; and we're sure A u statien th TOrnin Pamn e S miThsig
the only mulls with which he is acquainted are those perpetrated by Rensal New Town, threw himself in front of a train coming from Hammersmith,
him in these columns.-ED.] and was instantly killed. He was identified by his wife, who states that he kept a
Knowing that the Leger was drawing near, as Legers and quarter- coffee-house at Kensal New Town, and that he had previously threatened to kill
days will do, I was about the other night to send you a prophecy in himself and to murder her.
verse, but somehow or other the rhymes wouldn't flow freely. I can't On second thoughts we are inclined to fancy this is not a joke. If both
account for it, because I felt unusually poetic, and wept several weeps the reporter and the coffee-shop keeper were in real right down sober
when the empty bottle reminded me of the happy days of childhood earnest, then the second part of the programme has yet to be played
long gone by. I don't see the exact association of ideas just now, but, out. But should anything fatal happen we shall be prepared to give
that's possibly accounted for by the fact that there isn't a drop of any- evidence against the writer of the above paragraph. His accomplice
thing to drink in the house, and my fancy as well as my flask has run is beyond the reach of the law.
[SEPTEMBER 5, 1874.
Housemaid:-"BUT DO YOU BELONG TO THEM CIVILr SERVICE STORES, MUM?"
Lady (engaging servant) :-" YES, WE DO."
Housemaid:-" O, AN' MASTER BRINGS EVERYTHING 'OME WITH 'IM"
Lady :-" YES."
Housemaid:-" 0, 'EVTINS, MUM, I MUST DECLINE YOUR SITTIWATION, FOR I DON'T SEE 'OW I CAN POSSIBLY GET A YOUNG MAN WITH
NOBODY COMING TO THE HOUSEE ; AND AS FOR THEM POLICEMEN THEY'RE SO DECEITFUL !"
A zEW months back all Paris was in a state of excitement about
the realistic performance of Mademoiselle Croizette in the death-scene
which formed the only attraction-if attraction it could be called-of
Octave Feuillet's drama, Le Sphinx. The workings of the poison were
simulated with such marvellous precision that the whole town was
horrified, and the play naturally became a great success. In London,
under the direction of Messrs. Valnay and Pitron, the drama was
produced in its original form, but, possibly owing to the shortness of
the time taken by Mademoiselle Favart, who here played the heroine,
to get through her death struggles-a piece of concentration rarely
witnessed on the English stage-the great British public received the
piece sluggishly, and it did nothing to retrieve the fortunes of the
unlucky foreign speculators. We have now an English version of
this same play occupying the boards of the Haymarket, the chief
character, Blanche de Chelles, being played by Mademoiselle Beatrice,
with whose ability most metropolitan' playgoers are familiar. The
pleasant and interesting part of Berthe de Savigny finds a suitable
exponent in Miss L. Moodie; Lord Astley-who is such a marvel
both in the original and the adaptation that he should prove a fortune
to any burlesque writer with taste for real humour-is played with
suitable solemnity by Mr. Dewhurst; and the rest of the characters are
fairly distributed. Mademoiselle Beatrice takes more the Favart than
the Croizette view of the death-scene; and though on the opening
night the audience was not keenly alive to the merit of the portrayal,
it is very clever, and will repay those who have, as well as those who
have not, studied Le Sphinx in its unadapted form.
A few nights back-when, despite the heat of the weather, the
house was crowded throughout, and possessed, if nothing else, an
extremely appreciative gallery-the Opera Comique was reopened for
" the autumn and winter season with an English version of Gaston
Serpette's La Branche Cassde. The title of the adaptation is The
Broken Branch, and if Mr. Du Terreaux, to whom the work has been
entrusted,hasfailedin anyway itmust be remembered that he has had to
face exceptional disadvantages. In the first place, the original plot is
decidedly unfitted for English tastes, and it is impossible for any man,
no matter how clever, to cut the point out of a story and retain the
interest. In the second, a comic opera in three long acts is a little
above the present average of our theatrical education, especially when
some of the parts are entrusted to actors who cannot act, and others
to singers who cannot sing. The costumes are very rich and expensive,
but ofttimes it is quite a wonder how so much ornament can be hung
on so little apparel, and while the piece runs it will be well for the
management to keep the stage free from draught. Miss Pauline Rita
is a novice at stage work, but she possesses a magnificent voice, and
with Miss Pattie Laverne and Mr. Chatterson, does much to dispel the
dulness induced by some of the other characters. Cut down, there is
quite enough brilliancy in the music, original and introduced, and
ability in the dialogue, to make The Broken Branch a success. But it
is too much to depend upon such a branch for a whole evening's
On Monday and Tuesday in last week Mr. Holland, the people's
caterer," as he delights in being, and deserves to be, called, took his
annual benefit at the home of enterprise and ingenuity, North Wool-
wich Gardens. The importance of the occasion and the length of the
programme precluded the benefit being satisfactorily arranged for one
day only, and the number of people who flocked to support their
caterer on the Tuesday as well as on the Monday showed that Mr.
Holland's efforts for the regeneration of his kind have not been
allowed to pass unnoticed. From our own observation we should
imagine that the most popular item in the programme was the
" shilling tea," for which visitors brought the hugest of appetites;
and next to that, probably from its edible title, was Mr. Frank Green's
popular bouffe, Carrot andPa-snip, in which some Paynes were employed
I J_ '
SEPTEMBER 6, 1874.] FU NY 105
to amuse, and with success. The b6n6ficiaire was himself one of the
chief attractions, and it was rumoured that the collapse of a monster ln SEhf r f, tG arrm s yiItu.
balloon on the first day was mainly attributable to perforation, one. or Skethe, ls h arc accom-
of the ends of the imperio-caterial moustache having gone through ie cannot retire and direted ene. or an etches do nless thy are accom-
the treble'thickness of the oiled silk. This was a result much to be re oonsiblefor loss.]
regretted, and in futare'we trust Mr. Holland will calculate his
distance to more advantage. Among the numerous attractions of the T. F.-Bad drawing.and worse morals.
establishment are a flock of geese kept for the purpose of frightening. W. NOAME.-We deonot undertake to advise.
lrad actors away when they apply for engagements, and for seeing R. (Islington.)-The stamped and directed envelope should acoompaen
that the fragments of festivals are not wasted. Mr. Holland has also the MS. The Home for Lost and Starving Dogs is an admirable insit-
a fox from whom he takes evening lessons in artfulness, and some tion, but we cannot underage to open a similar establishment for tray
gipsies who could teaeh bth him and the fox, and then have lot to0 M. G. (Glasgow.)- If we allowed such a yoking as "gone and moino
spare. Altogether North Woolwidh Gardens are very jolly, and ~we o pameas rhymes anyone might be a poet, because "gone" would rhyme
are glad that so hard-workinkt'an entertainer as "the people's atererl," just as well with boots "-indeed, better perhaps.
had for his bendfita a" real bamtilr.' G. (Leeds.)-It would not be etiquette. Besides we don't care.
.... --" MERRY-GO-ROUND."--We don't detect the merriment. It seems to, t
The oleEt. Inhabitant?, a melancholy failure.
Sco nd thisto .-Th is and other disputants onthe Deoiedwith thanks-J. A., Manchester; H. H., nge, T.R.; ,
bWEct of cem enariad this to Mr a an on W worth; J. D. D., Isligton; F., Liverpool; An Ol u&bsqrobgr; J, TS
sHamilton-terrace; W., Stockton-on-Tees; G. B., Slver-stree@t J. T,,
DSAT !OFr A CrITENAmIA.-Theoldestiuhabitant in Cavan, Mrs. AnnePaimer, Leeds; W. G. C., Finshury-park; T. K., ithbbiry; Pollaky; J. ]E,,
died on Fridayi'in fdA poasession ofher faculties, at 104 years of age. Esex-street; Constant Admirer; E. '., Whitehislplece; Cl H., Rie) d
The gentlemento whom we have referred can do as they please'; but street; R. S., Folkestone-road; A Canny.-Sot, Perth; W. W,, Pll-ma .;
for ourselves'we prefer to believe that as Mrs. Palmer had managed to J,. D. M., Dundee; J. F., Carlisle; Qae. 'dogpo; T. U., Wandowqrtha;
go on so long, she would have continued the habit contracted over a N. B., Newcastle-on-Tyne.
hundred yeirs ago if" in full-.possession of all her faculties"' Be-
sides it's unluckhyto die on a Friday.
Extremes Meet. Ws are told of a cattle thief whom amdiscovered through wne.of tho
IN the answers to correspondents of a weekly paper one of the stolen beeves jumping from a railway track, and finding his way back
gentlemen who are always writing for advice is told to avoid smoking to his -disconsolate master. There is some advantage after all to the
except in most extreme moderation. We live and learn. Hitherto righteous in slow-going railway trains. Forithe unrighteous there is
we had believed that moderation was a temperate arrangement, one' also this moral. When you thieve cattle,, eibisrtake 'em home in g
that had no capacity for extremes, cab r send 'em first-clasa. Wedalwayso4o.
KNOWS HIS WAY.
-Friendly Fellow :-" An! ENERGY TAKING YOUR LITTLE WALKS ABROAD
'nery :-" NOT QUITE EXACTLY, Toxmi, NOT :QUITE EXACTLY, FOR I'M
QUITE AT HOME ABOUT HERE."
A HOLIDAY DREAM.
I YuseY it must be a dream,
I can't believe that I'mawae!!
The happiness is so extreme
A holiday like this to take.
I miss old London's smoky smell,
The buzzings of its busy hive,
At the St. Petersburg Hotel,
Rue de Caumartin, Thirty-five.
The Boulevards, with their rows of trees,
The red-legged soldiers strolling-by,
The white-capped bones one never sees
In London- so awake am I;
Yet dread that waking may dispel
The vision that I'm here, alive,
At the St. Petersburg Hotel,
Rue de Caumartin, Thirty-five,
Placed at my window here, I get,
When from my work I downward glance,
A view of many a grade toiletAe,
Whose like is only seen in 'France.
To see the gaudin and the swell
I can conveniently contrive
From the St. Petersburg Hotel,
Rue de Caumartin, Thirty-five.
I sip my coffee and I munch
Brioche or Croissant to allay
My hunger till the hour of lunch,
The dedjner of middle-day;
Yes I'm in Paris, hale and well,
To realise the fact I strive,
At the St. Petersburg Hotel,
Rue de Caumartia, Thirty-fiv,%
Fair Paris! Queen of cities all-
May .plenty crown your rgslt.bhrow,
Maay every blessing on you fall,
May many dream, as I do now,
Of all the joys that with you dwell,
When holidays at last arrive,
At the St. Petersburg Hotel,
Rue de Caumartin, Thirty-flye.
[SEPTEMBER 5, 1874.
FELICITY. DUPLICITY. SIMPLICITY.
WnBN the holidays are over, and each pleasure-seeking rover
Casts his exes" up with horror, as he hurries back to town ;
Then the silly season's finished, and we find accounts diminished
Of the weird and wondrous creatures that the heavens sent us down.
What 'abuses will, I wonder, claim the Press's daily thunder,
When the dull days of October usher in the reign of Sense ?
Will a treaty torn and tattered, or a British subject battered,
Be the subject of our leaders; or our national defence ?
Will Bazaine, the liberated, over here be fed and feted ?
Will the coroners be busy through the fall of Temple Bar?
Will a congress held at Brussels, or eternal Spanish tussels,
Be the topic of the moment; or a comet or a star ?
Will the Beecher-Tilton scandal give some journalistic Vandal
Still a chance to hurl his missiles at the idol of the States?
Will a baby fight at Hanley, or the deeds of Mr. Stanley,
Be the matter of our discourse and the theme of our debates ?
Shall we daily be perusing breach of promise notes," amusing ?
Will Society be startled by petitions for divorce ?
Will The Times be full of letters from the City money-getters ?
Will the Telegraph be open to complaints about the force ?"
Will the magistrates' decisions, or some terrible collisions,
Give more frequently employment to Our Own Reporter's" pen ?
Will Sir Charles the Chelsea Rad's tone, or a speech by Mr. Gladstone,
Make us elevate our eyebrows ? Who will be the coming men ?
Will a Special Correspondent, in some lonely land despondent,
Victimize his verdant chieftain with a twice-repeated tale ?
Will a certain Tory journal, with its blunders sempiternal,
Try its hand at funny leaders and most miserably fail ?
Will there be a dearth of money ? Will November's days be sunny ?
Will the feature of the season be a poem or a play ?
Will new novels all be cut up, or will Tattersall's be shut up ?
Well, until the season's over, it's impossible to say.
"Strike I but hear."
IN these days of lock-outs and general discontent, the following
advertisement, taken from a North-country paper, is not likely to
remain long unanswered:-
WANTED, a Young MAN, to Strike; one accustomed to the Hearth preferred.
Subject for a new song for Moore and Burgess-" Oh, strike the
hearth gently, my pretty young man." Cheque for copyright by
return will oblige.
CROSBY S BALSAMIC COUGH ELIXIR DR. ROOKE'S
Specially recommended by several eminent physicians, and by Dr. ROOKEA N T L A N E T
Scarborough, author of the" AITI-LANoET." It has been used with the
most signal success for Asthma, Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza, LL who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong life, should
Consumptive Night Sweats, Spitting of Blood, Shortness of Breath, and all read Dr. Rooke's "Anti-Lancet," or, "Handy Guide
affections of the Throat and Che. to Domestic Medicine," which can be had gratis from any
Sold in bottles at is. 9d.,4s. 6d., and ls. each, b all respectable Chemists, and Chemist, or post free from Dr. Rooke, Scarborough. Concerning this
wholes Invalie by hoJAB.u re. CROSBY's Prize Treatise on "Diseases of the book, which contains 168 pages, the late eminent author, Sheridan
SIunI and Air Vead elsa a copy of whish can be had rases of all Knowles, observed:-" It will be an incalculable boon to every person
Chemist. who can read and think."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.--London, Sept. 5, 1874.
SEPTEMBER 12. 1874.] F U TN 107
WHEN first I travelled up to town
To see what could be seen,
I feared that I should be done brown,J
Because I was so green" I
But Tom and Jerry proved such" Bricks "
In taking me about,
They put me up to all the tricks,
And every in and out! g 3' thi Ii .
They took me here-they took me there-
To places "fast" and slow" :-
In fact they took me everywhere
Where nobody should go.
They took me-but I mustn't say--
And also-never mind-
It was upon a certain day,
We had a very jolly time,
And lots of liquor rare!
I found myself next morning-I'm
Not bound to tell you where!
Our lives were full of lark and fun, f
We wish'd they'd have no ends !
But would go on as they begun, .
And we remain Fast Friends! "
But days soon lost their rosy light-
And nights their starry sheen!s o
And neither life nor wine seemed bright
As they before had been!
I long'd for rest; for now I knew
(Would I had known before!)
That cards and wine "till all is blue,"
Will soon become a bore.
I've spent my health-I've spent my time-
I've spent my dividends!
So off I'll bolt to distant clime,
Away from my Fast Friends! "
WHY ought arithmetic to prevent famine in Franee? A SUGGESTIVE FRAGMENT.
-Because there twice four makes "huit (wheat) which eond Wife: LAwK's -A DAISY, MRS. Gurrss, MY HUSBAND AIN'T
is 8 (ate) there. .ista ht r lte cut plaW i SYf c ros TP e uy Safe seitt
is 8 (ate) there. ALWAYS LIKE that! SOMETIMES end'sS AS NICE AS I AM MYSELF! '
oONTHLY MAG-PIE. by some of the contents. The illustrations are for the most part
SEPTEMBER. foreign, but very good of their kind.
the rnill we seem rapidly approaching the end of Far from In The Atlantic there is a capital paper of Rebel Recollections"
Sthe Coril we seem rapidly approaching the end e of "Far afroma by Mr. Egglestone, who fought on the Southern side. The number,
Mr.the Bladding Crowd," and Joseph Poorgrass's peculiar phraseology taken altogether, is quite up to the average, which, as in the case of all
r. Black's story of Three Feathers" is in his best style. The American magazines, is a high one.
other papers are well deserving of perusal, and the number as a whole The Saturday Journal is a wonderful sixpenn'orth. The illustra-
isan usua l fte ave og tions, reproductions of French and German cuts, are excellent, and the
lOacmilla.s is as usual full of interesting if somewhat abstruse letterpress is varied enough to suit all tastes. "The Bystander," as
discussions on topics of the day. Mr. Fleay on "Our Old Plays" is the supplement is called, is an admirable rund of various topics of
especially good, and supplies much matter for consideration, interest.
Spinner's fishing article. We miss the member for the Chiltern Mr. Proctor's admirable illustrations are the chief attraction of Our
Hundreds this month, but have an appreciative paper on Sterling from Young Folks' Weekly Budget, but the contents offer variety and amuse-
Mr. Lucy. Mr. Forbes, Robert Buchanan, and others of note con- ment, and there are some stirring serials that will be devoured
tribute to make the number very readable. greedily by the youngsters.
In the St. Jamies's the first post must be assigned to Verne's In the Mirror Mr. Baden Pritchard gives us an interesting series of
"Mysterious Island" which becomes more and more absorbing, sketches of travel on the Continent, and the number is taken up with
There are also papers by Cyrus Field and "Ginx's Baby" which will a wide choice of well-selected articles and extracts. Mrs. Compton
afford agreeable reading. The Tribes of London" is scarcely worthy Reade's novel is no great improvement on her former effort, and it is
of the periodical. a little difficult to guess in what language it is supposed to be written
Once-a- Week continues "Jack's Sister" with Mr. Waddy's fanciful -certainly not in English, for that language does not lend itself
initials. The contents are otherwise more varied and numerous than to such an expression as "eradicating the roll from her dinner
customary, which is a decided advantage. "Table Talk" is still napkin"!
susceptible of much improvement.
"The Field of Ice" is finished in this month's Young Gentleman's Cut and Come Again.
Magazine; as is also "Johnny Ironsides," which winds up far more ut and Come Again
satisfactorily than we had been led to expect. The other contents AN action was lately brought by one of the waiters in ball at
cannot fail to interest the boys, for whom the periodical is specially Trinity College, Cambridge, to recover damages from a fellow-servant,
intended. a carver, who during a wrangle about the correct supply of plates to
The Blue is scarcely as amusing this month as it has been hitherto the latter cut plaintiff across the hand. The jury after some little
for the general reader, being chiefly occupied with subjects connected deliberation awarded the injured man damages to the amount of his
with the school. surgeon's bill only-a verdict which seems to imply that a carver has a
Good Things is very pleasant this month, and seems better adapted perfect right to pursue his avocation, if onlyin the interests of another
than usual for the young folks, who must at times be a little puzzled branch of the same profession.
[SEPTIrEMBERL 12, 1874.
FUN OFFICE, Wedwmsday, Sept. 9, 1874.
THE RISING SUN.
TT sEt amid the tempest's gloom,
'Mid sulphur gleam, and cannon's boom,
'11id fear and terror.
The Empire founded on a rock
Crumbled -to atoms at the shock
Of hopeless error.
And now-when peace.and plenty smile,
A golden harvest;,mile on mile,
Above the far horizon, lo !
'The sun, that sank a while ago,
Once more is rising !
Oh,'may it gleam on peaceful fields,
Where honest Labour deftly -wields
The gleaming sickle,
And not upon the crimsoned plains,
Where Victory by the falchion reigns
With Fortune fickle.
Fair France, of all true hearts the Queen,
As once has sad Italia been
In times of trouble,
The path" of fertile peace pursue,
Nor follow Glory's steps, untrue
As idle bubble.
Enough of Fame already won,
Welcome.the broader, purer sun
Of peaceful glory:
Bid Art and plenteous Commerce hail,
And o'er all other lands prevail
In verse and-story.
Let Germany possess-the'Rhine,
A nobler "river :shall define
Your glorious: limit.
'The stream of History alone
-Shall bound your land, so gloriousngrown
THs holiday season has scarcely begun ere," in the phraseology
of the daily papers, "the everlasting silences of peaks and glaciers
have claimed their annual victims." The expression is certainly
poetical, but it is not precisely true, and is decidedly unfair to the
silences implicated. The silences like other upper classes are content
to keep themselves to themselves, and would not think of descending
into the valleys to seek what are fancifully styled their victims. If a
man deliberately flings himself into the bear-pit at the Zoo, we don't
blame the bears. We call him an idiot. And if an inexperienced
Londoner elects to scramble over icefields and among crevasses and
breaks his neck, it appears to us that he is to blame, and not the peaks
and glaciers. Alpine climbing -is a combination of vanity and snob-
bishness. It is idle to say that it arises from a love of the picturesque,
for the 'picturesque is lost sight of altogether above a certain level
which is within the limits of reasonable climbing. The truth is that
Tymkvns is only ambitious to climb up a little higher than Simpkins,
and when he has done it, then. Jobkins burns -with the desire to go a
few yards further. Meanwhile in the pursuit of this futile folly, the
adventurous souls do not hesitate to risk the lives of better men;than
themselves. Every year there are sacrificed valuable lives, the lives
of the guides, hard-working fathers of families, desirous of earning
money for their wives and children. These are the real victims, not
of the everlasting silences, but of the ceaseless babblers, whose only
aim in life is to be able to, tell their cockney friends how they scaled
the peaks and glaciers. In such oases vanity becomes a crime.
"'Murder Most Foul."
WE note in an Irish paper that "a fowl dealer was brutally
murdered the other day by a man named Knells." The eternal fit-
ness of things is eternally exhibiting itself, and even in murders one
can trace the hand of the arranger. Knells and deaths are in duty
bound to go together; -while the nature of his occupation must have
prepared the victim for foul treatment!
'The Rest is--.
Five papers in England, a correspondent notes, are regularly contributed to by
the insane; six are devoted;to-Spiritualism; five to Atheism,'ad'flfty-seven to the
The remainderis' chiefly written -by idiots.
ESSAYS IN NATURAL HISTORY.
By LITTLE JOHNNY.
THE snale is the curosest animel I ever see, but that 'don't seem to
make no differuce to the sale. He carrys his house on his back
when he is to home, but sometimes he aint. Wen you see lots and
lots of wite shels without nothing in 'em but a twist, them is snales
that isn't to home. Sometimes these is broke wen your wauk on 'em,
and then little boys gits 'em in their hair feet, which some boys that
have good shoos likes to go that way if it rains, but not in the winter.
It's jolly good fun to see hens apickin up snaleshels thinking they was
werms. They don't swaller 'em, but lays 'em down careful, and steps
round as if they hadn't see 'em. Hens is good to eat, but not the ole
he ones. They lays an eg and then cackels. Some boys can cackle as
good as a hen, but they can't lay egs. There was a hen flu in our
garden, and wen mother went to chase it out she come a cropper in the
Wen snales is away from home they call 'em slugs, and these is the
fellers that we find their shels. All sales stick out their eyes, but it
deont do 'em no good, for as soon as they sees anything they pulls 'em
in quicker. Snales is like eels; where they go there is gum, especily
slugs. The eels in pies don't have gum, but eel py sticks to your ribs,
and gives you a tuck out better than fride.
The French mossoos eats the snale, and then our sojers licks 'emr
like fun. Snales is slo, but the tortis can beat him at that. I always
lays against the tortis for short dissances. The tortis is a crusty
station, but the wale, which is bigger, is a sea station. The one that
swallered Johna was that kind. Tortices can make good time if he
has got a live coal to back him.
-My sister says the snale puts his shel up in curl-papers, but it was
her young man told her that, 'cause the wimmen fokes ain't funny
'less they is told.
The snale isn't a best, and it isn't a bird, and it isn't a fish, and it
ain't snakes. It is like a winkle, and is plentierin grass than when it
I wouldn't sleep with a frog for a pot of money, for he is cold-
Frogs is good to eat in the hind legs. Most frogs is green 'cept their
bellies, which is wite and smooth like a baby's. Frogs was once all
catterpillers. When you step on a catterpiller it would be a frog if it
had fare play. The horse has a frog in their feet which makes 'em
jump. My father says a feller named Ease-up told him once there
were a frog which wanted to be a ox and busted. If he didn't bust he
would a et hay and hooked.
The best place to find frogs is the morning' after a rain, but they
jumps before you gits your hands onto 'em. Them that don't slips
threw your fingers like they was oily, and then you can can see their
wite belly when they fall on the ground if you look real quick; for
frogs isn't like cats which come down on their feet wen you flings 'em
out the windo. The frog has feet like hands, only the thubm is littler.
If I was frogs I would make a fire and see if I couldn't git dry like
todes, but not warty. Todes liv to be a hundred years old, but croes
is older 'cause they eats the todes 'up, and would eat the frogs up too
if they could cetch 'em away from home.
Frogs is to home in the water like ducks, but frogs can't quack.
They crokes. Wen they all crokes to once you won't have no bad
dreams if you et ever so many pig's-trotters for supper, 'cause you
can't sleep. The frog is a bay trakian, but the camomile with two
hunches to its back is a backtrian. That is all a camomile is.like a
frog, and that ain't much.
The boys has a game they calls leap-frog'wich is better than any
other game, 'cause the girls can't play it good. I got little Mary
Jones to play leap-frog once, and her frock cetched on my back, and
she hit her nose on my hed, and made it bleed, and tumbeld off at the
side, and yeld. My sister's young man he said it was a maiden over.
Frogs is slicker than sales, and eats tadpoles. You don't see 'em
many times, but they see you wen you think there aint any in a mile.
My sister's young man says once there was lots of frogs in a laik, and
there was fireworks one nite on the laik. and they all stuck up their
heds to look on. Then it got cold, and the water frose, and wen the
fireworks was over and they tride to go down in the weeds where it
was warm they couldn't. So they held a Parlyment, and wen each
had laid his views before their king, whose hbed stuck up in the middel
their was just as many plans for freeing the whole lot as there was
singel frogs which couldn't move a inch. Only the king he didn't .say
nothing at all, but looked uncommon wise. Wen the sun had melted
'em oat in the morning' they said it was the king did it, but wen they
went to thank him they couldn't -find nothing to thank but his head,
'cause a big fish had bit away his body erly in the session. '.Theri..they
'said the'king had' dide for' his people.
SdPTEMBEn 12, 1874.] F U JN 109
The dog ain't like the frog 'cause he's got more hair and a tail, which
the frog don't. But he has the same legs. Dogs. bark wen they
wants to scare you, and wen he wants to hurt you he bites. Our
dog's name is Towser, but Mr. Bunker's dog's name is Bose. Wen
dogs has got nothing else to do they lies in the sun and cetches flees
with their teeth. It takes a good many flees to make a meel for a
dog, but it don't take only one dog to make a meel for a fle. Wen
somebody is agoin' to die the dog 'owls, which aint so aboutthe under-
takers, my sister's young man says.
The-bite of the mad dog is pizen. Last summer there-was a mad
dog came threw our village, and, all, the-man -went ;out to have a
chase. They all had guns, and sticks, and sithes, but thatainad dog,
which didn't carry wate, was left'so far-behine. that it didn't have no
chance iat all,. and pulled up, by ole Gaffer. Peterses\' housa just
oposit our'n. Ole Gaffer he put his hed out of the parlor -winda and
sayashe: good doggy. Then. the dog.: looked in his face and, smiled.
Then Gaffer he put his-hed out-of the second story windo and 'saysihe
shoo. Then the dog-looked up and yawnd. Then Gaffdr put his-hed
out-cf, the -third story window and said, says he, git out, you ,beefstL
Then a polliceman came up and kild the dog, and long after it was
ded Gaffer Peters was. a sitting' on the peek of the roof, where.he
couldn't see into the street, and a-yellin' all he knew how. Then his
dotter went up to arest him, and she is red hedded like the mad dog,
so wen she put her bed threw the trap in the roof he flung a chimny-
pot at it, and hollerd all the time. And now Gaffer says he was only
afrade for the childern, which was on the first flore.
Dogs is good to pull babies out of the water, but most families that
has babies and dogs can't afford to keep a pond. It's only one kind of
dog which does it, anyhow, and you. have got to drownd three or -four
babies to teach him how.
Sheep dogs will tend sheeps better than.a man, buftit takes two men
to tend each, dog, and explain to the sheeps wat it wants 'emo to ldoi
AUGSPUR ON THE CRICKET MATCH.
JOCKEYS versus PResae
ot o -x ,cc ('(ALE of the Adver.
-. rAstout andable
Of jockeys no
S A bSwore hard, by
The Press should
meet the riders,
at cricket to
__ _north, ,
Tb .summon hi&
FR-E" r 2A-,
Bold Mitchell's help they e'en would.
Have had in their sore need.
But he was at the racing, and so they took instead,
Such men as Conquesti Collett;, Olrke,
Who ne'er give in till, stiff and stark.
They yield,. nd soon are dead..
They landed, first
And& made 'him
And,now,,'mid much excitement,,,
Td Princes Ground they,hied,,,
To win the -Pressmen quitesmeant,,,
Shame on;the.rfalse reporter who.lingered.up instown,
While Gollett,. Conquest,.Gale, and Blake,
With cricket-ball for Pressmen's sake,
Were getting-wiekets down,-
Meanwhile the bold Jam Goater-
No idle man was he-
Had shown himself promoter,
And made his team to see
That. though: their chief was absent, they mustn't feel dismay :
Now Custance, Burbidge, Godding, Prince,
My lord the Marquis, and you, Quince,
Strike home for me to-day.
Strike home, and spare not leather,
Whether on boot or ball,
And when you run together
Don't stop, e'en if you fall."
He ceased, and each bold rider to Castornraised his hand,
And said, I'm.blowed if I don't bat,
And bowl, and field, and all of that,
As long as I can stand."
Fain would I tell the story,-
In all ofits details,
How each-side went for glory.-
My ppnis -weak and fails...
And so I1i Simply tell~you, and never make you.wait*.
Th.e Pressmecracored but forty-nine,
And lost -though their defence was fine,--
Their foes-made ninety-eight.
N'wthat'we've seen the finish
May I express a hope,
That cricket won't diminish
But always have full scope!
That no invention foreign, or fresh rangement tame,
May any way affect the joys ,
We all of us, from men to boys,
Derive from out our. game. ,
Of this year's cricket season
We've almost seen the last,
And I must beg, with reason- --
In future as in past-
Thatawhen the -ball is rolling, and summer ewoamitwdressf,.
A match at cricket shall beplayedi
And in it there shall be arrayed,
Such men as those who, ne'er afraid,
For both their sides so well essayed--
For Jockeys and for Press. AvOseun.
A Plucky Performance.
BY means of the well-written "Athletic Notes" in .Birg 'Life,
which we constantly -read, we have made ourselves, in theory, the
most desperate of athletes, and can in fancy toss the caber or the pan.
cake, walk a seven-mile- hurdle race, do a ten-mile sprint, or cover a
hundred yards in nine-and-a-quarter with any man over a quiet pipe.
But we've got.puzzled at last, and can't understand our Bell when he
gives out such a cracked statement as this:-
J. Duckett :Liverpool, had.a benefit in the- Mile; and J. Spencer, Knotty Ash,
170 yards start, landed-.the Walking in good style, despite the plucky efforts of J.
Spencer, Knotty Ash, the scratch man.
If J. Spencer of Knotty Ash be a.bird-and:if he isn't he has no claim
to be at scratch-and onthe 170 yards mark alaso,for which statement we
have good evidence-what.right had he got in a walking. match confined
to amateurs?- As our athleticism doesn't include the answering of
conundrums we give it upin the hope that the holder of the champion
riddler's belt will give the matter due consideration, aud.. report
WE clip this from the Daily Telegraph :-
BRQADSTARS.-To be LET.or SOLD,a most desirable.FREEROLD ROUSE
I welUuited for a family residence, .skool, or institution, commanding an ex-
tensive sea view. The entrance is by a private road, with plantation m front,
containing fourteen gQod, rooms,. with.dometic offices. Bent, &c.
:It would seem there is some truth in the oft-iterated story of people
sleeping in bathing machines at overcrowded watering-places, for one
oi the chief attractiona of this residence, seems tbe "a plaztation Qin
'front containing, fourteen good rooms."
THIS is a dubious statement -
It has-been-estimated by Dr. Thomas Diely that since the creation of thqworld
'14O millions of,beingsibave.falen in the battles'which man:h-asjwagede.Against
uhsi fellowca i*eal man. Ifxthae forefnpers only,pf theaei beingkwere.to.be laid
'in a straight line, they, would-reach 600,QQ0 miles beyond the noon..
Bqyppd the, noon That',a what ype .may call being up.to: the time
of day.i We oan't help thinking, that thumb in conneotiont with:
those fingers is applied to a nose somewhere!
OUR GRANDMOTHERLY M.PN. [SEPTEMBEIN 12, 1874.RECESS.
OUR GRANDMOTHERLY M.P. IN THE RECESS.
1. He was enjoying by the foamin blow, a little light literature in the
shape of tha laws of England,
2. When (Le suddenly came across an Act without any amendments or
3. Why, this is shameful !" he said; my very landlady could understand 4. This must be altered!" he said, and set 'about repealing and amending
this!!" And it was a scan lalous fact, sir His very landlady could! it, with an eye to next Session.
5. There," he said, it'll puzzle the old lady now."-6. That's what we M.P.'s call a law of England, ma'am Now it'll match the other laws, ma'am.
Stay-there's just one more amendment which I- and he set to work again.
THE Newcastle Daily Chronicle has an evident desire to amuse its
readers during the first portion of the recess, and carries its good
intentions so far into effect that the advertisement columns blossom
forth with enigmatical effusions. As witness :-
MANAGER and MANAGRESS of a Hotel wishes an Engagement. Good
references can be given.-Address by letter to -.
We have put the question to every member of our staff individually,
from the deputy sub-assistant editor to the supernumerary errand boy,
but none of them knows what a "managress" is. Judging by the
singular verb which accompanies this extremely singular noun, we
should think it means what Moore of Moore Hall used on a certain
memorable occasion. Namely, videlicet, and that is to say-nothing.
PIppINS has been to Paris, and says the French are such odd people.
He was trying to make himself agreeable to the lady at a restaurant,
who asked him if he would take sugar with his coffee. He asked her
to sweeten it with one of her smiles, and she answered that they
hadn't caught any that day. The lady thinks the English are very
odd people. The explanation is simple. Piffins asked her to sweeten
his coffee with a souris, which means a mouse, instead of sourire, which
means a smile.
A Legal Point.
A NEw article of dress cannot be legally examined, because it cannot
disclose anything till it is worn.
THE RISING SUN.
SEPTEMISER l~'2, 1874.1 113
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 389.
WHERE in Spring the ploughman plodded;
Where in Summer green wheat nodded-
Wore in Autumn golden looks,
Spreads the weed-grown stubble field,
And, as sign of plenteous yield,
See the crowded rows of'stooks.
1. How he wooed the Laughing Water,
How his foemen he did slaughter,
How he-slew the monster sturgeon,
How he; proved a cunning surgeon,
And- a chieftain and' a teacher,
How he met the pale-faced preacher-
All is told .,to you in writing,
-Shown by Longfellow's inditing.
2. O'er the desert-when I went
I beheld him in his tent,
Dirty, and of doubtful scent.
3. Around the lover's piteous story,
'The-poet's. art has shed a glory.
4. The religious views of-pious Hindoos
'Are strange and odd, and this is a god.
15. Oh, fickle-moon! you sorely sent
'Actmon for an, accident;
Your conduct was not quite so ac
'When you beheld the shepherd boy.
6. Each man you meet has this conceit-
That he .can this prepare.
But go to France,when you've a chance,
And you will eat it there.
7. The law they now are framing
So vigorously rails
Against all kinds of gaming,
'Twill stop all "'heads or:tails."
SOLVTe or DOUBLE ACRosTIC, No. 387.-Holiday-
Seekers : Hiss, Outline, Lane, Ink, Dace, Arbour, Years.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIoC No. 387, RECEIVED 2ND SEP-
TEMBER :-Gyp; Cherry; 'Oker; F. Baker; Pimlico Tom Cat;
Hammersmith; B.; Pollaky; Digory D.; P. Dooley; Bus in
Urbe; Gravesend; Tamaroo; Mars; Peggotty's Daughters;
Sairey Gamp; A Little Fog Bird; Buggins and Muggins; Peg-
gotty; Brice; DorC; Hart; Boh; Margate; Niels; Lot-lot;
Snakes and Snuffers; Charlwood; Making Lanterns; Little Pea-
cocks; Interim Guarantee; Akaysee; Dickey; Boiled Owl; Two
C's; Nolo; Margate Vie; J. Harry B.; Balbus; C. G.; Sara;
Ruby's Ghost; Esterhazy; Nodwos; Marion; Turk; Amble-
side; Paddy; Pilgrim; Dubble and Merah; Two Colnbrook
Fogies; Windlesham; Brownie; Ismeer; Reflector; The Lazy
One; Aquarium; Tea-at Bryan's; Nuf; Ginna; Cliff; Nell
and Pons; Spheroid; D. E. H.; Chinkum Wank; Pussycats-
meeow; Sederopolitai; Jabberwock; M. A. P.; Em and Jim;
Jenny Jones; T. S:W.; Slodger and Tiney; ;Nemo Tiger;
-Eric; Doctor; Moth; Anna R; Ozone; Lightning; Gosberton
Partridges; Guitar; Noll; Zoological Dido; Guilac; Leibig
Family;, Brighton Cusses; Smug; Charles and Lucy; Lindis ;
Nevarcc; Your Own James; Chowles; Blue Pill; Alwine; Non
sine Jure; Myrtle Vale; Old Kingston ; Muffles.
Tourist (who has had a mouthful of bread and cheese) :-" AH, WELL; GOOD
MORNING, MRS. SHARK, GOOD -MORNING AH- BY-THE-BYE. THO', YOU BEEM TO
BE VERY MUCH TROUBLED WITH RATS HERE "
Mrs. S. :--" O, YES ; THAT WE ARE INDEED, SIR."
Tourist :-" WELL, I'LL TELL YOU A CAPITAL WAY OF GETTING RID OF
Mrs. S. (eagerly) :-" OH, INDEED, SIR; NOW WILL YOU ? I SHALL E SO
Tourist:-"YES, CHARGE 'EM HALF-A-CROWN FOR BREAD AND CHEESE;
THEY'LL NEVER COME AGAIN."
DOTS AND LINES.
MARSHAL MACMAHON'S "royal. progress" has fizzled out. Septen-
nate is not septen-nationally popular. = Mark Lane is satisfied with
the. harvest. It is so good that the farmers grumble. = Beecher-
Tilton. scandal continues to excite the Yanks. The more it is stirred,
the less it reminds one of Eau-de-Cologne. .= Writer in The Times
says,. dpropos of famine in Asia Minor, The'Mahomedan religion is a
religion of selfishness." What a lot of Mahomedans there must be in
England! = Sir Wilfrid Lawson.has been spouting water at Carlisle.
Very like a wail. = Submarine communication between: France and
England is to be .carried out by "immerging a duct." .Hope the
traveller won't emerge a ducked! = A case of lead-poisoning by soda
water is reported. The water must have come from the brain of some
-teetotaller. = Great complaints of an invasion of winged ants. But
what is that to one mother-in-law, who -won't take to the wing. =
Spanish Government has been recognized by several Powers. Didn't
think it was clean enough to be recognisable. = Partridges reported to
be fairly plentiful. As much sport as can be covey-ted. = It is stated
that Mr. Albert Grant has offered seven.thousand pounds towards
laying out Soho Square. He is So-ho-spitable. = Fighting in Spain
still continues. 'What will be the end of these Kilkenny Catalans! :
Count .de Chambord is gone to. hunt :in. Bohemia. .Sham. boar-
hunting ? F The' International Exhibition has- reduced.its admission
to threepence! 'Poor catchpenny = South Eastern threatens to stop
its Workmenti' Trains. And yet no'one would, think of travelling by
the .,South' Eastern if'he could help it!
THROUGH galleries of pictures rare,
And cloisters cool of sculpture fair,
In happy vein,
To view such treasures well. content
Day after day, a week I spent
With you, Eugene!
My French I know was very bad,
And not one English word you .had
To make things plain ;
Yet when we. strayed her gifts .among
.Art somehow found a common tongue
For us, Eugene!
A look-a gesture-'twas enough!
'Twas language sculptured in the rough,
A sketch, a strain.
So sculpture, painting, music lend
United service to befriend
Our chat, Eugene!
Or French or English,-never mind!
Art has a subtle link to bind
With viewless chain
The sympathies we can't express-
'We feel, we- commune,-but no less
We talk, Engene!
SEPTEMVER N, 1874.]