• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Index
 Fun
 January 3, 1874
 January 10, 1874
 January 17, 1874
 January 24, 1874
 January 31, 1874
 February 7, 1874
 February 14, 1874
 February 21, 1874
 February 28, 1874
 March 7, 1874
 March 14, 1874
 March 21, 1874
 March 28, 1874
 April 4, 1874
 April 11, 1874
 April 18, 1874
 April 25, 1874
 May 2, 1874
 May 9, 1874
 May 16, 1874
 May 23, 1874
 May 30, 1874
 June 6, 1874
 June 13, 1874
 June 20, 1874
 June 27, 1874
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00024
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00024
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Preface
    Index
        Index
    Fun
        Page 5
    January 3, 1874
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    January 10, 1874
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    January 17, 1874
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    January 24, 1874
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    January 31, 1874
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
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        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    February 7, 1874
        Page 55
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    February 14, 1874
        Page 65
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    February 21, 1874
        Page 77
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    February 28, 1874
        Page 87
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    March 7, 1874
        Page 97
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    March 14, 1874
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    March 21, 1874
        Page 117
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        Page 120
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    March 28, 1874
        Page 127
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    April 4, 1874
        Page 139
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    April 11, 1874
        Page 149
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    April 18, 1874
        Page 159
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        Page 163
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    April 25, 1874
        Page 169
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        Page 173
        Page 175
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        Page 177
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    May 2, 1874
        Page 179
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        Page 183
        Page 185
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    May 9, 1874
        Page 189
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    May 16, 1874
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    May 23, 1874
        Page 209
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    May 30, 1874
        Page 219
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    June 6, 1874
        Page 229
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    June 13, 1874
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    June 20, 1874
        Page 251
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    June 27, 1874
        Page 261
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        Page 268
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text


































ix

































































LONDON:

PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
60, FLEET STREET, E,.C.





























HERE was a hue and cry. The hue was green, for it was in the eyes of a crowd rushing after a dog that was supposed to be mad.
There was no madness in the matter, and all the idiotcy was confined to the active and intelligent Constable who led the
mob. He had run in so many other people that just for a change he was running himself out-of breath. He was assisted
by a Cab-driver, who was the sole representative of anything like canine ferocity-he was a Growler. No Hansom would have behaved
so unhandsomely.
There was no penny-a-liner present. As soon as he heard the cry of mad dog he fled in the opposite direction. He feared that
the animal might avenge upon him the long series of libels inflicted on his race by the pen of the too ready writer, who, when in doubt for a
paragraph, plays hydrophobia. You cannot have showers of frogs, and large gooseberries at certain times of the year, but mad dog is
always in season, and if very rabid will run-well, run to a good twenty lines, which amounts, convertible, to a good amount of beer,
whiskey, and beef-a-la-mode. But if the ponny-a-liner had been there he might have observed among the distinguished people present,"
Mr. Tag, Mr. Rag, and several members of the well-known family of Bobtail.
Up one street and down another, across any number of roads, straight down many crooked lanes,.and all round one or two squares
that disorderly procession galloped. At last it emerged into Fleet-street, and reached the FuN Office.

A change has come over the scene!
The Policeman is rolling on the pavement in contortions which might pass for tetanic spasms if they were not accompanied by roars
of laughter. The Cabman is leaning against a lamp-post which shakes with the chuckles in which he is indulging.
Mr. Tag is seated on a doorstep industriously occupied in holding his sides, and occasionally, when there appears imminent danger
of their splitting, appealing to the bystanders to assist him.
Mr. Rag is grinning from ear to ear, presenting a gap into which several spectators have nearly fallen headlong in their paroxysms
of merriment. He has apologised in gasps to them, and says be would stuff his pocket-handkerchief into his mouth, but unluckily he has
left his own handkerchief at home, and has not, as yet, had time to find that of anybody else.
The Bobtails are huddled up in one giggling and writhing group, slightly reminding the lover of art of the well-known Laocoon.
The City police, accustomed to see people suddenly attacked by violent fits of laughter in front of Number Eighty, and aware
that they will recover in time, and need not be carried to St. Bartholomew's, do not interfere with the demonstration.
But where was the dog ?
He was seated in front of the FuN Office, surrounded by a group of four-footed friends that looked like a deputation from the Dog Show.
As dogs are not in the habit (as those are, whose best friends they are) of either saying or looking what is untrue; of course, it was
a deputation from the Dog Show. It had come to thank FUN for his unvarying friendship for the canine race, and had been duly presented
with a volume. As its members left the office they met the hero-dog of this preface, who, snatching the book from their hands, at once sat
down and commenced to read it aloud. The mob was tamed-nay, more -it was humanised, by the power of laughter.
But this is only one instance of the good effects resulting from the publication of


9Jt gK1intetJy VYnume of rte *ewOth' *ris -of Sun.


k //































ALsAcE-Lorraine, 23 NOVEL Opinions, 25
American Lady ('rhe),'141 Novel (A), 35
Augspur's Adventure, 220 Night and Morning, 93
Ad Cor Moumrn, 221 News Items, 200
After Epsom Races, 247 Nautical Song (A), 201
Amatory Fish (The), 251 Newmarket and Chester, 205
ANSWERS to Correspondents, 13,23, 33, 43, Northumberland Pla:e and by the Way
53, 63, 76, 85, 95, 105, 115, 125, 138, 147, (The), 262
157, 167, 177, 187, 197, 207, 217, 227, Oi Agony, 73
239, 241, 259, 268 -. O'Bletherumskite (The), 151
Bsows, Mrs., in St. Petersburg, 41 OuR Shorthand Notes, 11, 16, 32, 42, 48,
Brown, Mrs., on Dissolution, 62 55, 65, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120, 127, 146,
Brown, Mrs., and Whalley, 85 150.160, 169, 189, 199, 211, 25, 229, 241,
Brown, Mrs., Sume up Orton, 108 25, 261
Ballad of Sir Lacquoin (The), 119 PREP into the Future (A), 33
Bore and the Editor (The), 125
Boat-Race Topics: The Result Foretold, Poetry of tBabFuture (The), 46
128 Psoriad 'The), 95
Brown, Mrs., at Puney, 135 Poorly Peer (The), 137
Bamt-Race (The), 142 porletion, 192
Corrupting the Press, 26 Princess Bing-li-Bo (The), 181
Crossings, 36 Perfidious Pieman (The), 187
Criticism. 44 Pot-boy's Club (The), 262
Coming Boat-Race (The), 115 QuE je suis Malade," 160
Conf ns of a Sad Dog, 119 Queries for Competition Wallahs, 165
Crews in Training (The), 130
Combat (The), 171 RESULTS (The), 18
Cook's Perquisites, 211 Race at Left Bower (The), 238
Canine Epidetic (The), 215 Replies to Correspondents, 253
Contented Cockney (The', 247 Sone Sporting Notes, 13
Chats on the Mags, 24, 34, 43, 76, 84, Some Christmas Pieces, 15
116, 126, 158, 168,178,197, 208, 218,250, Straws, 31 e
260, 268 Straits of Malacca (The), 66
DANCING Days, 189 Special Sporting, 68
Derby Difficulty (The), 240 Sketch (A), 75
Dubtful Measure (A), 252 Sporting Notes and Anticipations, 33, 83
Double Acrostics, 11, 15. 25, 43, 47,61, 76, Seorting Prospectus, 104
84, 87, 97, 113, 12.3, 128, 1-9, 158, 159. Silent Contempt, 141
175, 185, 195,199, 209, 225,)232, 241, 257, Sporting Notes. 159, 171
263 Sinful Freak (A), 180
EI.LFS, Evelina, 5 strawberryy Leaves, 227
Election Intellieoce, 61 Selfish Idea (A), 257
Election Petition (An), 63 ,
Exhibition of the Rloyal. Academy, 190, Tnov as I do Not Knaw, 21
201. 210, 237 T., ofa po t rhe), 9S
Epsom and Newmarket, 195 To that Peppy. 9105
Town a&d Coentry, 19 7
FATAL Mistake (The), 89 Tan- of Blood (A), 179
Fast Walking Match and the Derby(The), Turf Topics, 187, 259
249 Tale of Ambition (A), 205
Facts that I have been Good Enough to Turning Over New Leaves, 14, 54, 106,
Observe, 267 148, 188
GUIDE to Domestic Economy (A), 123 UNSELFIsH Lover (The), 259
Gand National (Toa), 139 the ow e
Gentle Craft (The), 197 Way I am not Editin; the Oowsit e
George, 253 Saturday Stinger, 16
W.cal About Copper Mine (The), 109
How we Received the Grand Duchese, Wreck of the Orion (The), 147
ller' Ta Where there's a Wills-, 267
IIunter's Tale (The), 109
Here, There. and Everywhere, 31, 51,93,
113, 145, 155, 147,177,185, 198, 207, 209,
212, 252
IMPORTANT Sporting, 53
Inn-Depeudence, 145 CARTOONS.
JIM BECKWORTH's Adventure (Mr.), 6 BUN for Bruin (A), 19
KI.NG of the Ghosts (The), 23 Belle of the Season (The), 163
LITTLE Larry, 78 Britannia's Barter, 223
Lincoln and Liverpool, 125 Contempt of Court, 183
Lover to his Mistress (The), 147 Doubtful Measure (A), 256
Late John Sweetbosh, Esq. (The), 150 Fair Exchange (A), 143
Liverpool Docks, 157 Goose with the Golden Eggs (The), 121
Largo al Gapperino, 161 In Active Preparation, 81
Leaves from Sir Wilfrid Lawson's Diary, Just Before the Battle, 59
166 Last Invasion (The), 11I
Literary and Artistic Gossip, 172 Latest Thing in Budgets (The), 173
Literary Riot (A), 243 Lion-Taming Extraordinary, 203
Life, 263 Marriage a la Russe, 39
Miss Britasni t and her Valentines, 70
MY Pantomime, 54 Much Ado about Nothing; or the Con-
My Cat, 62 servative R,,action, 101
Munificence,il, 47 New Army Regulations, 19
Mir. Barcle's ill, 47 N--w Crew (The), 134
Mly M.use, 83 Our Allia, 9
Mnnchanseno without his Braces, 217 Onr Allies Again, 9


Our New Cooks, 153
Royal Academy (The), 193
Race for the Licensed Victuallers Cup
(The), 23 i
Sell so sore (A), 91
Slow Cab-inct (A), 245
So Just-Just so, 265




ENGRAVINGS.
ART Patronage, 12
Ashantee Sentinel (The), 22
at the Brightin aquarium, 32
All the Difference, 54
A-Oressing Him, 123
About a Boat ano' a Banquet, 136
' Any Excuse Better than None," 139
As Likely Not, 152
All Over, Bar Shou'ing, 179
Argumentum ad Absurdnm, 205
Agricultural Interests, 222
At Last, 251
AnD her False Alarm, 261
BOXING, 15
Black Art (The), 84
Boat-Roes Mad. 129
Brought to his Bearings, 168
Blow, Wind, Blow, 172
Bird's-eye View of the Derby Day (A),
238
CARDs for the New Year, 8
COild is Father to the Man (The), 34
Capital, 64
Cascader, 103
Coal Question (The), 145
Comparisons, 208
(Cata Diva, 219
Classical Charioteer (A), 228
Commencement of the Fisning Season,
248
C'est Dommage, 267
DEAL too Sharp (A), 24
Double First (A), 48
Dies',lution of Parliament, 55
David Livingstone, 55
le-Vote-ion, 106
Deaf Adder (The), 107
Drawbacks 209
Don t you Wish you may Get it 1 216
Derby Dot'ings, 229
Derby Memo, 230
ENGLISH Society under Russian In-
fluence. 45
Ended at Last, 114
Equine-imity, 148
Extremities, 176
Events of the Week, 186
Eggsactly So, 250
Equity, 267
FAT Fare and Forte, 7
First Party (The), 14
Far Cry (A), 18
Fogged, 21
For Better or Worse, 28
Few of them (A), 67
For and Against, 74
French Cook (A), 152
GENTLER Sex (The), 25
HiMn Church, 104
Holiday's Finish (A), 239
Horse Show 1874, 258
INTIMATE Acquaintance with Foreign
Potentates (An), 43
In and Out, lr5
Intellect, 117
Les Absents out Toujours Tort, 11
Lowering the Fares, 93
Little warning is a Dangerous Thing
(A), 15. -


Looking at it Practically, 16a
" Look Before you Leap," 188
Lower Depth (A), 241
MAKE Your Bets, Gentlemen, 128
Mind your Hi." 133
Making Ends Meet, 190
NOT ta be Had, 17
Not Improbable, 96
New House (The), 121
No Recommendation, 218
On! Horror, 51
Our Bloated Aristocracy, 90
One for His Nob, 97
Opening of Parliament (The), 110
Oratio Direeta, 127
Our Derby H croglyphic, 231
Only His Duty -A Tale of the Mad Dog
Mania, 244
PREPARATION for the Marriage at St.
Petersburg, 42
Po'er (A), 44
Pious Scruples, 66
Political Changes. 94
Pressing for ati Answer, 120
Prevention Better than (Cold Water)
Cure, 189
Place for Everything (A). 195
Parson Season in the Strand (Th?), 206
QUIET Hint (A), 178
RECENT Election (The), 80
Road to Ruin (The), :83
Ruling Spirit (The), 87
Re-Action. 100
Return and RIp-irtee, 116
R-turn fr,,m Ashanti (The), 146
R-flection on Water (A), '53
Rail (In) Convarnience (The) 153
Ruskin and RlIeal'sn, 162
Repairs and Daumage, 175
R-Right you are, 182
Recollections of ihe Roval Aeadesr y No 1 :
202; No. 2, 212; No. 3, 254
Reason Why (A), 225
Rather Persona', 267
Rather Fishy, 268
Right Reading (The), 264
Soeos of My Youth. 35
Sunday, January 25th, 1874, 62
Saving, 79
Sympathetic, 113
Slightly Personal, 126
State of Europe (The), 156
Staying and Going, 169
Setting on Him, 197
Slight Misappresesi-on (A), 215
Sordid View (A), 260
TOOZL5'S, Mr., Grand Spirit Exhibit n,
52
Teeth Extracted, 61
Th,,t's I, 77
This Side Up, 137
" Then I'll Remember-," 171
Truth Will Out, 182
" Talk of," ete, 185
Turn and Turn About, 198
Thick and Thin, 247
VsRY Appropriate, 142
Valentines for this Season, Political and
otherwise, C5
Valentines for the Million, 75
WEIGHT a Bit, 27
What a High-dear, 31
Write you are, 76
Wish (A), 68
Wet Season'n Ireland (The), 119
Whlt it lHas Come To, 165
What's a' the Steer, 196
Walk down Regent Street (A), 226
Warning: (A), 2i2































ELLEN EVELINA.
/ LLEN EVELINA
WAGGLES
Back to you my
memory strag-
gles
_,1 ____i_ Now that panto-
mimes are
coming and
the ballet's to
the fore:
For I loved you
V / fondly- mad-
ly!
And my recollec-
tion sadly
Turns to those old
days of yore

I was sixteen-
sentimental-
aC Had not cut my
wisdom dental,
And was still at
Doctor Ras-
per's Classic
and Commer-
cial School.
S From the pit I
then adored
you,
Andno doubtI of-
ten bored you,
And you called me
"that young
fool "
How could you your bosom harden
To bouquets from Covent Garden ?-
So I spent my pocket-money, and invested all my tips!
At your glancing feet I laid me,
And you might have overpaid me,
With one smile from those rouged lips! ,
Round the theatre aye a drifter
I made friends with that scene-shifter,
Who quaffed-off my pot of porter, and then broke a trusting heart.
"Nelly Waggles was I meaning, ,
Which 'er reel name it was Greening,-
'Er as took the Prince's part.
"Did he know 'er? Well, yes rather-
Had been great chums with 'er father;
Broke his neck permiskus, he did, through a trapdoor falling down.
So 'twas he away as guy 'er
When she married 'er old lover,
Johnny Waggles, there, the clown!"
Oh, my Ellen Evelina,
You have never, never seen a
Loving heart as crushed as mine was at the carpenter's remark,
Evelina-Mrs. Waggles-
Backward still my memory straggles
To that sorrow deep and dark!


A PHILANTHROPIC PROPOSAL.
To THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SIm,-At this happy Christmas time when so many people are
starving for want of work, and the Licensed Victuallers and others are
quarrelling about hours of closing, I wish to bring before you a plan
for ameliorating the condition of humanity and at once solving the
licensing question. I have been a deep student of political economy,
and flatter myself that I can go as far as most people into the question
of supply and demand, so that I am eminently fitted for the task of
instructing the world. My proposal, like all truly great ideas, except
the binomial theorem and the Conservative policy, is very simple,
and easily understood. I propose to abolish night, and work the world
by double shifts. There is a dim foreshadowing of this in Box and
Cox, and something of the same kind has been suggested as a heal-all
for disturbances and strikes among the colliers. In fact the world is
unconsciously and blindly working its way to this grand reform, and
it is my function to shed light upon the darksome struggle. The Licensed
Victuallers must keep open twenty-four hours in every day, but must
employ two sets of barmaids and assistants, and the same remark
should apply to all other trades. The first result of this reform would
be to employ every man, woman, and child in the kingdom who might
want work, and the second consequence would be to double the
demand for production as well as the powers of production. Every-
thing from a steam engine down to a pair of boots would wear out
twice as fast, if steam engines and boots were employed without
intermission. Idleness and pauperism would be banished from among
us, and, except that there would be no room for intemperance, the world
would be vastly benefited. Should you require to hear more in detail
I will send you further letters in illustration of my scheme. But, I
say, please use your interest to get me out of this place. I am quite
sane, whether harmless or not. Yours, Misunderstood,
COLNEY HATCH.
[We do not care to hear more of this scheme; the hint about the
abolition of intemperance is enough for us. But we will try to get
our correspondent a situation on the daily press.-ED. FUN.]

Irony.
WE learn from Iron how tenderly Englishmen are providing for the
wants of our gallant fellows on the Gold Coast:-
Thoughtful Birmingham-with questionable patriotism-furnishes our enemies
with guns and powder wherewith to kill, if not each other, our soldiers. Last of
all, an acute Liverpool firm, foreseeing the inevitable necessities of the case, has
shipped off two cases of gravestones to Sierra Leone!
That Liverpool firm must be a near connection of those London trades-
men, who thrust their advertisements of mourning, tombstones, and
undertaking upon the house of mourning. We trust the Echo has
not omitted to send to the relatives of all officers, leaving for Cape
Coast Castle, its halfpenny post-card showing how cheaply one can
announce one's dead relatives.

Tea-pottering.
THE Daily Telegraph obliges the world at large with a leader on a
recent tea-case tried in the Court of Common Pleas. It says ecce
iterum" and Cocteris paribus" and other clever things; but its
brightest remark is that Mr. Justice Grove exhibited a commendable
knowledge of chemistry," in trying the case. One of the best
chemists of the day, the inventor of Grove's Battery must feel
deeply honoured by this patronising notice. But what will become of
the leader-writer whose commendable knowledge of chemistry is so
remarkably shallow ?


VOL. XIX. A










6 FUN.


[JAwUARY 3, 1874.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Dee. 31, 1873.

MUSIC HATH CHARMSM!
Oun Fantee friends find more delight
In being fought-for, than to fight,1
And so they run away!
Attired as nigger serenaders
They might drive off their fierce invaders
When they began to play,-
Darkies, come along,
With banjo and with song,
With yah! yah! yah !
And bress you, sah!
And boodle-y-umshy-bay!"'
Then let's fit out the idle drones,
With banjos, tambourines, and bones,
With coats and trousers gay,
With tall white hats and paper collars,
And buttons twice as large as dollars,
And send them to the fray,-
"-Darkies, go along,
With banjo and with song,
With yah! yah! yah !
And bress you, sah!
And boodle-y-umshy-bay!"
For, 'tis the same, however it goes-
If they are slaughtered by their foes,
Or they the foes should slay;-
Nay, if on both sides "man and brother"
Kilkenny cat-wise killed the other,
We should but shout hooray-
Darkies, go along,
With banjo and with song,
With yah! yah! yah!
And bress you, sah!
And boodle-y-umshy-bay! "

HITHERTO the London School Board has been regarded as a sort of
safety valve for the energy of a lot of old women of both sexes who
were dying to play at being Members of Parliament. And so long as
they confined themselves to doing nothing, with a success which was
not likely to attend their efforts to do anything else, we were satisfied.
They had their amusement at our expense, and we had our laugh at
theirs. Recently however, either growing weary of doing nothing, or
stimulated to try and do something by the contemptuous toleration
extended to them, the School Board have begun to take active
measures; and if what Mr. Hanbury of the North-West London Shoe-
black Brigade writes to the Times is true-as no doubt it is-we should
like to see the members of the School Board expending their super-
fluous energies on the treadmill. It appears that Mr. Hanbury was
warned by the School Board authorities that his society found
employment for boys under thirteen, who were not provided with the
statutory amount of education, and that such a course was illegal. The
societybeing unable to provide the needful educational machinery-
the boys were dismissed. The School Board have taken no steps to
send them to school, and they are idling about the streets-the devil's
schools! Now these lads were supporting poor and aged parents,
often were bread-winners for a widowed mother-and were able to
make nine or ten shillings a week! Have the School Board idiots no
knowledge of the difficulty with which a Society rescues such waifs,
picks them out of the black waters, and brings them ashore ? Before
that notice was given to Mr. Hanbury, arrangements should have been
made to take over to schools every boy he had under thirteen. As it
is they have been flung into the flood again-thrust from their foot-
hold. The pompous and prolix prattlers of the School Board may be
impervious to the scorn, which they have deservedly earned, but they
are answerable for those children's souls,-
And the child's cry curses deeper in the darkness
Than the strong man n his wrath!


A New Casabianca.
THE intelligent Echo says:-
The story of young Casabanca who refused to leave a sinking ship without the
permission which his drowned father could no longer give, will never be forgotten
so long as love and loyalty are valued by mankind."
TI.e Echo at any rate seems to have forgotten it, or never to have
properly learnt it. People who knew the story have told us that
The boy stood on the burning deck,"
and that the boy's father had been shot, not drowned.


MR. JIM BECKWOURTH'S ADVENTURE.
FOR some years before the authentic discovery of the striking
natural phenomena in the.valley of the Yellowstone River, Montana,
it was clear to everyone who had been within a hundred miles of the
spot that there were things "out of the common "-somewhere in
that unexplored region. A falsehood containing no nucleus of truth
is a very bad story indeed, and though trappers and mountaineers
are very bad story-tellers there is necessarily more or less of fact
in their preposterous narratives. The truth to the falsehood commonly
bears about the relation of the wick to the complete tallow candle: a
seemingly insignificant, but really essential part of the article, and
usually visible at one end. I say they necessarily put in some truth,
because although their spirit is willing their imagination is lamentably
weak; the hard and, to them, prosaic life of the frontier has reduced
the romantic element of their natures to the lowest possible vitality-
as I trust this sketch will make sufficiently clear.
I recall a few of the tales told-me by old Jim Beckwourth, who was
the guide of a party led by General Hazen into the Crow country,
about the Big Horn Mountains, in 1866-a party which I had the
good fortune to accompany as ornamental topographer. Jim had
been originally a Virginia mulatto, but at the time I knew him it was
difficult to tell what he was. Early in life he had been cast amongst
the Crow Indians, then a powerful tribe, and by sheer force oi
mendacity had risen to be their chief; though at the time of which
I write he had long been out of the business. Poor old Jim is dead
now; and in the tales he related, I have often fancied I caught a
prophetic gleam of his future-Heaven rest him! In reproducing
the following I shall make no attempt to employ his diction, but will
content myself with achieving simple intelligibility.
One summer," said Jim I was with a party of trappers, up the
Yellowstone Valley, in a region where no white man, and probably no
red one, had ever been; for during three weeks we saw no sign of
trail or camp.
* Early one morning we descended into a valley which must have
been some thirty miles in width at the point where we entered, and
reached away as far as we could see to the right and left, in one
unbroken level of hard red clay, without a sign of vegetation-not
even so much as a sickly sagebush, or a knot of bunch-grass. It had
been a raw morning, but the moment we emerged from the hills and
struck out across the plain there was so marked a rise in the
temperature that a half-hour later our horses and ourselves wero
streaming with perspiration. I observed, too, that the mountains on
the other side of the valley, which were certainly higher than the Big
Horns, and ought therefore to have been sheeted in snow a third of
the way down from summit to base, were as bald as eggs. Although
the sky was entirely overcast with dull greyish clouds wholly
obscuring the sun, the heat continued to increase until it became all
but insupportable. Our animals, moreover, were strangely affected,
dancing gingerly about, snorting, beating the earth with their forefect
and very nearly uncontrollable. Their hoofs, too, struck out of the
earth a hollow cavernous sound indescribably singular.
I was riding in advance of the party, and presently I pulled up to
consult the others as to what it were best to do, when suddenly one of
my horse's forefeet sank down as through a crust of snow. Before he
could fairly extricate it, down went the other; and shortly the
exclamations behind me proved that the other nags were struggling
with the same difficulty. I turned in my saddle and shouted to my
companions to go back, at the same time wheeling my horse about and
making for the hills as well as I could, the others imitating my
example with considerable agility. Suddenly we heard a dreadful
oath, followed by a short sharp yell of terror, and saw Bob Morley's
horse break bodily through and disappear in a cloud -of dust lurid as
flame! With one accord we. threw ourselves from our saddles, while,
shrieking loudly and swearing like pirates, away went our horses,
scouring over the plain toward the hills we had left. My comrades, too,
broke away in the same direction as fast as they could pick up their
feet. For one moment I stood irresolute, and in that moment my
bootsoles became hot as hearthstones. The ground was like an
oven!
For my succeeding action I have never been able to account;
certainly I was never more terrified, nor less consciously curious, in
my life; but prompted by some inscrutable motive begotten by the
extraordinary occasion I instinctively threw myself flat upon the
ground to distribute my weight over as much surface as possible, and
dragging my body quickly forward-on blistering hands to the irregular
hole where Morley had gone down, peered over the verge. All this
had occupied but an instant of time. At first I was blinded by a
brilliant glare, but a moment later I saw, at an immeasurable distance
below, two minute black specks, which speedly receded from sight-
Bob Morley and his poor horse! Then, as my eyes grew accustomed
to the fierce light-heavens! what a spectacle met my view. If you
can imagine the Pacific Ocean turned to molten iron, and seen through
a hole in the sky, you may obtain a feeble sense of the impression
made upon me in that first awful moment. Away down, down, below








JANUARY 3, 1874.]


FUN.


-so remote that it was like looking through the earth upon the body
of the midnight sun-spread an illimitable expanse of glowing flame,
shoreless, silent, and unspeakably beautiful. I clung breathless to the
crumbling edge; gazing down with a terrible but exultant sense of
fascination; at one moment shuddering as my clutching fingers
unconsciously measured the thinnesfe f the crust upon which I lay-at
the next impelled by an almost irraeistble impulseto throw myself over
the dizzy verge, suolb was thei1ifase intoxication of rmy senses,
revelling in the matchless Beauty of thie scene.
By degrees I grew calmai. and began to note matters which the
sudden overwhelming of my Tfeultiesw had rendered me incapable of
observing.. At irregular interVal, -sonietimes nearly beneath me, and
at others near the horiaft-if Iimay so call it-and even beyond it,
there were"'tremendousB.--tl6ugh to me invisible and inaudible con-
vulsions, heavhimpup'great masses of lurid smoke, which shot fiercely
upward in convolvedi'rolTs, or ascended slowly in smooth banks,
spreading flatly out:atr last in clouds of surpassing loveliness, shot
through with a thousand gorgeous tints and edged with gold. One of
these drifted quite near to me, and momentarily changing its shape
and the order of its colours- formed a, most enchanting object, which
has ever since floated, a splendid picture, through my dreams. Of the
darker and denser of these clouds the upper surfaces were strangely
flecked and barred with tremulous gleams reflected from the rocky
concave above. But of all that chained and pained my senses, the
most impressive was the deathlike stillness of the scene. Again and
again I turned my ear in hope to catch some faint moaning of this
mighty sea; but not a murmur, nor a sigh, ascended to my terrible
altitude. The silence was maddening, and with an unconscious effort
to dispel it, I shrieked aloud.
"Whether from the association of ideas I do not -know, but the
instant I caught the sound of my own voice I felt my body flushed
with hot pains from head to foot. Hastily springing, up I put my
hand to my face. My beard, eyebrows, and i hir had. vanished in the
scorching heat-my body-was blistered from crown to sole; Darkness
had settled upon me like a pall; I was smitten blind by the glare and
heat, and knew not which way to turn. It seems-to me I stood for
ages, in that pitiable condition, not daring to move least I should
tumble headlong into the dreadful abyss, yet all the while feeling the
earth bending like thin ice beneath my feet.
When sight returned to my seared eyeballs I lookedT about to


discover the hills where safety lay. There were my companions,
scurrying across the plain, and the horses dishing away in advance
not perceptibly more distant than when I had seen them last. My
season of observation at the abyss had probably not exceeded a single
second in duration. Staggering painfully after my comrades I
succeeded in joining them amongst the hills, where they had paused
for breath, and where the horses instinctively came back to us
cowering.with terror. Before nightfall we were thirty miles from the
spot.
It is needless to say I never again visited that region, but I often
think that if Bob Morley could step back for a moment I should like
to ask him how he felt about it, by the time he had got, say, a third
of theiway down."
When Jim Beckwourth related this adventure I confess I thought
it pure fiction. By the light of recent explorations I see now the
nucleus' of truth-the wick in Jim's candle. From some vagrant
Indian, he- had heard of the hot springs, recently discovered, and
knowing nothing of chemical action this was his rude and unskilful
manner of accounting for the phenomenon-his way of asserting that
there is some warm place where the water is prepared.


Foggy Reflections.
THE .Echo with questionable clearness vents the following reflection
on the fog of this month.-
"For although, with questionable truth, that 'the wise child knows his own
father,' we do not think that the wisest parentocouldL be reasonably expected to
know hii own child in such a fog as that of yesterday."
Will the Editor, relieved from the labour of a political contest at
Huntingdon, explain his meaning, if any ?

Ink-redible!
THisnbeats the elaborate villany of Chops and Tomato Sauce."-
A NTI-BREACEH of PROMISE INK. Writing with this ink disappears before
-' one month, thus avoiding the system of ridicule to which old and young are
subjected in their letters being publicly exposed. Free for 14 stamps.
We only hope that this valuable fluid will not be converted to the less
sentimental and more practical purposes of Kite, Harduppe, and the
rest, for the acceptance of bills at more than one month!


FAT FARE AND FORTE.
Stout Old Lady :-" Now I HOPE THE ANIMAL"--
Cabby :-" DIVVLE A BIT, MUM, SAVING YER PRESENCE ; BUT IF YOU'D JUST BE AS QUICK
..S YOU CAN, I'LL SHOULD UP THE TAIL 0' MEE COAT AND THE BASTE SHAN'T CATCH NIVER A
'JUIGHT 0' YE "


A EIFEL TRIFLE.
OH, Mr. Cook,
To whom we look
For trips to other shores,'
That so we may
Be borne away
Afar from life's dull bores.
Why-why der tcffel,
Secure the Eifel,
'Where fierce the north wind roars,
Reverse your plan
And ask a man
To seek-not shun-the boars ?
Still! Wilkins, please,
Where's that valise ?
Provide it well with stores,
And pack my rifle
I 11 seek the Eifel,
And try and kill the boars!
Away I'll roam,
I'm not at home,
Though callers come by scores,
Hang Christmas duns,
Let's load our guns,
And so have done with bores !

About the Size of it.
A MUSICAL advertisement asks pointedly
and persistently Why should we sigh ?"
We do hate a conumdrum of this kind.
But the answer seems to be because we
have most of us overeaten ourselves this
Christmas! Another musical notifica-
tion refers to "The Shadows of Bygone
Days." This is infamous; for what with
coming events casting their shadows
before, and bygone days leaving them
behind them, there will be an absolute
glut of the article. If those bygone days
don't fetch away those shadows in a week
they will be sold to defray expenses!








8 FUN. [JANUARY 3, 1874.



CARDS FOR THE NEW YEAR.


Welcome to the New Year 1874. Recognized as a dangerous character, who would like to interfere with The Yard.

V--- A La. --- .., II^ T ^


Accused as drunk and disorderly (voices behind) We corroborate everything."


" Your money or your light!"


School Boards: You must learn to grant money."


'74 leads his auxiliaries to victory.


A NEW YEAR'S WISH.
Dose of rhubarb or of squills,
Piles of unexpected bills,
Boxes of obnoxious pills,
Slips and falls and other spills,
Awkward squads and early drills,
Shot that wounds, and ball that kills,
Toiling up incessant hills,
Reading disappointing wills,
Eating over-peppered grills,
Tumbles into dirty rills,
Dancing stiff in dull quadrilles,
Slips of hooks from fishy gills,
Gourmandise, and vinous swills,
Robberies of well-filled tills,
Snubs and jilts from Jacks and Jills,


Grinding everlasting mills,
Midnight oil and driving quills,
Tear, that weary eyelid fills,-
May you be spared from all these ills.

Recommendatory.
WE should like to recommend "a gentleman" not to do this kind of
thing again. Neither furnished apartments nor human nature will
stand it:-
FURNISHED APARTMENTS.--A gentleman wishes to recommend, sitting
and two bed rooms he now occupies, or vice versa. Would suit two single
gentlemen or brothers.-Address -, Highbury.
" Or vice versl." Does he mean that he wishes the sitting and two
bed-rooms to recommend him if more agreeable ? If not, why not, and
what does he mean ? Surely, not a sitting and two bed rooms which
occupy him. And But, hold! here's more of it. Brothers are
not single gentlemen. Of course not; each is a man-and a brother.





-F UIN -JANUARY 3, 1874.


N


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OUR ALLIES.
As they get on so badly with rifles, we would suggest that they be armed with something more suitable. With tihe dreadful costume and
weapons depicted above, and issuing volumes of popular nigger melodies, they would do immense execution.


L-04


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JANUARY 3, 1874.]


FUNo


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 353.
FAEWELL, for twelve months past
You have stuck by us fast;-
Now start!
For your successor's here,
May he bring better cheer;-
Depart!
1. The gipsy lass and the gipsy lad
Think he who's not Romany must be a cad;
And they call him a name
That fact to proclaim.
2. The moonlight slants through shafts of stone,
With storied panes in silvery tone:
And morning's light, when wakes the sun,
Shall melt the colours into one.
3. A man who lives on turpentine and buns
Is surely one of the eccentric ones:
I do not think it is amiss
To say if he's not mad, he's this !
4. Hat on one side,
Clothes made so well,
Face full of pride-
Oh, what a swell!
.3. Slowly plods the horse beside
As down the broad canal we glide.
6. A foreign plant, of foliage fine-
I'll have one for this lawn of mine.
7. Weary and worn,
Joyous I guess
When by the morn
Paper's at Press.
SOLrUTION or AcROSTic, No. 351.-Sfarp Frost :
Sheriff, Hanger, Amo, Rags, Punt.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF AcROsTIC, No. 351, received 23rd
December:-Pimlico Tom Cat; Gyp; Buggins and Muggins ;
Cliff; Madcap; Little Peacocks; Smug; Pseudo-sphinx
Winkle; Ruby's Ghost; Boh; Ardmore; Nightcap; Three
Chuckleheads.
NOTE.-The Christmas holidays compel us to shorten the time
given for Solutions this week by one day.

Little Wars."
IN addition to our Coffee War we are likely to have
a Caf6-r war. Next, we shall have a tempest in a
teapot.


LES ABSENTS ONT TOUJOURS TORT.
First Old Party :-" OH, MY TEETH ARE WERRY DADt-'CAN'T EAT AT ALL
ONE SIDE."
Second Ditto :-" AH WELL MINE'S WERRY GOOD GRINDERS. LoR
BLESH YER, YOU'D 'ARDLY BELIEVE IT, I HAIN'T GOT A DECAYED TOOTH IN
MY 'ED, EXCEPT TWO AS I HAD TOOK OUT NOT MORE'N A YEAR AGO."


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
TICHBoRNE trial adjourned, till after Boxing Day. Will recom-
mence with the other pantomimes. Clown, by a Juror." = Man-
chester parson fibs about Mr. Bright. Gets a tremendous "fibbing"
for his pains. Sarve him bright! = Great discussion about doctored
wines, called by the trade converted wine." We always have our
suspicions of "conversions." = Mr. Arthur Arnold was a case of
"Bye, Baby, Buntingdon!" Didn't get in for Huntingdon. = The
Virginias has been surrendered, so Uncle Sam will have. to find
another excuse for annexing Cuba. Latest advices from the Gold
Coast announce that Sir Garnet is better. It is rumoured that King
Koffee has gone to pot! -= lIr. Horsman has been putting his hobby
through its paces' for the benefit of the Liskearders. When will
that obscure little borough cease to think itself a shining light in
politics ? = 3ir. John Hampden, for libelling AMr. Wallace, will spend
a couple of months in jail, in cahn reflection on the shape of the
world. = Dr. Playfair has obtained an advance of pay for the Post-
office officials. This is a step in the right direction. He goes in like
a Lyon = Gas Companies want to raise their prices. On the other
hand they have lowered their gas until it is as unilluminative as
smoke. = The salary of President MacMahon has been doubled. It
is well to be paid in inverse proportion to the work you do, in some
cases. = The head-master of Rugby is to go. The governors first
suspended Hayman and then-turned him off! = "General" Neal
Dow, of the United States, has been spouting water at Guildford, and
got shut up like an unwholesome pump. We have enough of these
hydrocephalous lecturers of our own without wanting spillings-over
from Yankee Land. = Mr. Charley, M.P., has been indignant because
a Manchester paper said he talked nonsense. Gracious goodness,
what else was he returned to Parliament for ? = Weather beastly-
wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! "


Medical News.
HERE'S something for the consideration of analytical chemists and
all persons interested in the action of poisons on the human system.
They evidently do these things much better abroad.' We presume
Australia is abroad, but as we have never been there we make the
statement subject to correction:-
The Ballarat Courier reports that a young man named Crockett, a miner, living
at Bulldog, was found near his house on Tuesday morning with his throat cut.
He was not, however, dead, and afterwards wrote that he had taken laudanum
the night before. Dr. Forster was sent for, but Crockett died before he came.
The cause of the rash act is said to be a dispute with his mates about some gold.
Poisons evidently act differently in different climes, and on different
constitutions. But who would ever have thought that a dose of
laudanum would have set up the appearance of a cut throat? We
commend this to the notice of the Laneet. But let it not be forgotten
that we were the first to publish the newest way of paying the oldest of
debts.

Here we ham again I
A CONTEMPORARY gravely observes that:-
Foreign bacon is largely consumed. This year the value as declared imported
was 5,044,757, and last'year it was 3,500,276.
All right! We are evidently saving our own bacon But statements
about bacon must be taken catm grano as they are invariably one-
sided.
A Good Example.
A YANKEE paper asserts that :-
There are so many thieves in New York that they propose to form a society to
reform some of their number, and thus prevent their business fromhbeing ruined.
What a pity that our equally numerous railway directors don't adopt
this idea.


11









12 FUNI [JANUARY 3, 1874.


ART-PATRONAGE.


A certain Painter once conceived a brilliant idea: "He would do a big historical picture!! "- And, contemporaneously, the Fathers of a certain obscure City
conceived another idea: They would be put into a big historical picture! I "-So the affair was speedily negociated.


111',11T














They gave the painter a room in Magog Hall, and sat to him.-And when, after four years' work, the picture was finished, they went to look at it.- But
greatly disgusted were Brown, Jones, and Robinson (' hree of the Fathers), on finding themselves placed in the background.


While Smith, Green. and Thompson (Three more), who were in the foreground, were ravished with the work of Art.--Then the Fathers held an extraordinary y
meeting, at which they decided that they were tired of pictures.-So, when the artist requested them to pay for what they had ordered, they regretted that they
really knew nothing about it, and bowed him out. But, thank goodness! All this happened along time ago-nearly two months !


Sold I
I [LOOK here what we have found in the'-Daily Telegraph And yet
Englishmen boast that in this country there is no slavery-no traffic
in human flesh and blood!
THE Gentleman that left the DOG at Miss S--'s, 36, C--street, S--. If
not called for in three days will be SOLD to pay expenses.
If that man was not called for in the three days, what-we ask a
somnolent and faineant Government-was done with him ? Where
was he sold ? And who bought him ? And what did he give for
him ? And what was the amount of the expenses ? We repeat that
the Home Secretary has been glaringly remiss in his duties when he
suffered a British subject-or say, a foreigner temporarily residing
here-to be sold, actually sold, in this country, simply because he
forgot to whistle for his dog!


Bottled Moonbeams.
THERE seems to have been a special manifestation recently on
behalf of the ladies and gentlemen of a looney character belonging to
Gravesend. Thusly-
A lunar rainbow of most unusual brilliancy appeared at Gravesend on
Wednesday night. The phenomenon was a perfect arc, and lasted for about
fifteen minutes.
For the benefit of the uninitiated we may also inform them that the
arc was also a perfect phenomenon, to be manufactured only of
Graves6nd shrimps and Rosherville stout. We can plead guilty to
having seen an unusual quantity of stars at the conclusion of a
happy day," but we have never yet arrived at the mature dignity of a
rainbow. But who knows what may yet be in stQre for the per-
severing ?








FUN.


SOME SPORTING NOTES.
I DARESAY, Mr. Editor, you have been both surprised and disap-
pointed at not receiving any copy from me or my friend, the old gen-
tleman, for so long a time; 'but the fact is we have been surfeited with
triumphs arising out of the past season, and so have been taking a,
rest. I have of course been shooting, but the birds were very wild,
and I don't think my powder could have been kept properly dry,
otherwise I would have sent you some game. I used to be a craek
shot, too, at the trapwork, but there's a great deal of difference
between firing at a bird which.goes up like a rocket without giving
you any notice, and at another which comes and perches almost on the
end of your gun, or hangs about undecided what to be about in a
place utterly strange to him. But no matter; I've bought you a
couple of nice Ostendral bits at 4d. a pound in Whitechapel, which
you will receive with this, and I've no doubt you'll find them as high
as the very best game. The old man, whom I had not seen until now
since our return from the Highlands a chasing of the deer, says he
has also been shooting, but when I asked him where and at what, he
answered'in enigmas, saying, in his lodgings and at the moon. Now,
Sir, I know -I'mnot very brilliant, but I'm quite sure that's not to be
done with the present system of projectiles.
I have been leading some turf circulars lately, and have been struck
with an idea. This is so unusual with -me thatI.'have recorded the
. event and it comes out as follows. I call it
HOW TO BE ALWAYS SURE OF WINNING.
There are two ways of being sure of winning: there is the process
of being quite sure beforehand, with its almost inevitable result of
being sorry afterwards; and there is the surety peculiar to the
successful, which is generally secured before the day, and is slightly
dependent upon ultimate results. The former is much the easier way
of being sure, but the latter is much the more satisfactory. To
accomplish this pleasant task you must always back horses at a long
price-say 100 to 1-and then, when they come to a short figure-say
5 to 1, or less-you must lay that price as often as you can, always
reserving to yourself a margin of additional profit in the event of the
horse winning. Of your getting 100 to 1 about the identical horse which will ultimately
see 5 to 1 or less; but this is a mere trifle of detail which I will not
insult my readers and their common sense by entering into. Only,
please remember that almost everything depends upon the method of
selection, and if you are wrong, don't blame me; I give you the secret
free, gratis, for nothing, and as for the success-well, I wish you may
get it.
I am bound to admit that the old man was not complimentary about
this when I showed it to him. In fact he said it was rot; and he also
confided to me that sporting "authorities" held that opinion in
general about my work. But who cares P I don't, for I know their
jealousy and their hatred of all shining lights like us, Sir.
We have been to see Cook's billiard excursion-[this must be
tournament,.for one can't excurse on a billiard ball, or on a table for
the matter of that. Our correspondent seems to have lost his cue.-
ED.]-and have wondered much threat. At least I have, but the
old'un with his usual superciliousness seems to think it nothing when
a man pokes the red ball down more times than you can very well
count. He says that's how it's done. That's it, of course, but it takes
some doing. Since we have been back he has written an advice
paragraph, which is to eclipse mine altogether. He calls it
HOW TO BE ALWAYS SUCCESSFUL AT BILLIARDS.
Take plenty of time and be careful in selecting a cue which suits you.
Chalk the cue well and remember that all good players carry their
own chalk. Ask your antagonist if he has any choice of balls, and
whether he has or not, tell him you always play with spot because you
can make the spot-stroke best with it. Then toss him for first go-you
can use either the best three or sudden death systems, but anyhow use
your own discretion in the matter. Then ask the marker if he's sure
he can score correctly in the event of your running right out, and be
particular in ascertaining the rules of the room, how many for a
cannon, what allowance for a miss, and so on. You may then show
your antagonist ,a few fancy strokes according to recently published
diagrams, and insist upon his standing drinks. He is at this point
very likely to leave the room and you master of the situation. There
is of course in connection with this the slight chance of your getting
your head punched, or of being turned out of the house by the landlord.
But billiard players must always be prepared for contingencies, and
the law is always open as a remedy for violence. But, and bear this
in mind through life, never, oh, never call the police unless you are in
the wrong.
From motives which will be apparent to the most jaundiced eye I
decline to comment on such an effusion, and am yours affectionately
AucsPun.
P.S.-You'd better boil those rabbits. I'm afraid they won't stand
roasting. Be sure and handle them tenderly.


13


APPLE JACTITATION.
"In Maine it is polite to speak of delirium tremens as 'apple jactitation,' lest a
breach of the liquor laws might be implied."-Philadelphia Ledger.
In Maine, not ma(i)ny years ago
A law to drunkenness a foe
Was framed and carried.
From that time forth no man might sell
The drinks all Yankees love so well,
Single or married.
And though 'twas darkly said that some
From dry good stores would staggering come,
They'd not been drinking.
Their minds were much preoccupied
And so they sway'd from side to side
From deeply 'thinking.'


And when "D. T." a .rivesithat way
No doctor dares the cause tomay :
Nor with it grapples,
Since law must never be .defamed
"D. T." is jactitation mamed,
"Induced by apples."


Real.
WE have heard of people speaking in riddles, but we didn't think it
would pay, except of course the proprietor ofithe paper, to advertise in
that style ;-
TTNFURNISHED APARTMIENTS to be LET, well suited for quiet family
requiring good rooms and situation, where comfort and appearance are real
enjoyments. Moderate terms.-Apply-
We have spent money on cryptographists who have failed, and more
money in hair dye, to conceal the ravages the foregoing has made.
It has quite upset our dam-ask cheek, and our New Year's digestion
has been impaired by it. And so we give it.up, andshall in future
shun all real enjoyments."

A Smasher.
WE have always considered that a fog belonged to the dangerous
classes. But we were not aware that it was cowardly, as ruffians
generally are, till we read in the Echo's account of the railway
accident at Adderley:-
There is a dense fog, tut it ran into a goods train.
The idea of a fog taking refuge in a goods train to escape from an
accident that cost twenty or thirty lives !

The Street Tip.
WE observe that Mr. Streeter of Conduit Street has removed to 18,
New Bond Street. He is therefore now a Bond Streeter-but it
would be rue-d to say so.



[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold oursebvee
responsible for loss.]
MERRY CITY"-ZENS.-We .have handed your subscription to Miss
Stride, and are glad to learn that others have been sent to her direct.
CARRIESSA.-The mistakes were ludicrous, but we should offend serious
folks if we used them.
RUBBISH BASKET (Brighton.)-You've just hit it.
J. G. J. (Stamford-street.)-An unwarrantable personal attack, and a
more unwarrantable rhyme. It happens that "really is a trisyllable.
YoUNG SHAvEa.-Don't try another sonnet till the beard has grown.
T. J. R.-Your writing is illegible, we dan't make head or tail of that
or the sketch;-and you have not attended to the rules.
E. S. (Savernake.)-You must wait your turn. We don't see how we
can return the sketch in the enclosed envelope, which you have closed!
C. (Old Burlington-street.)-We cannot answer letters when our rules
are neglected.
J. G. S. A.-All right.
J. S. (Birmingham.)-The Rev. Paxton Hood is no relation to the late
Thomas Hood.
G. S. (Limerick.)-Envelope unstamped.
Declined with Thanks :-Invalide, Skipton; 0. Y. E., Plymouth; G.,
Weston-super-Mare; D. T., Islington; B., Adelphi Terrace; H. A. C.,
Luton; S., Milk-street; Canada; H. H., New-cross; D. W.; Tobias; R.,
Cheapside; J. T., Glasgow; D. H., Cambridge; F., Leeds; Bembo; W. D.,
St. John's Wood; S. W., Halifax; G. N., Kentish Town; L. G., Edin-
burgh; M., Liverpool; Old Subscriber; T., Camberwell; W. F. G., N. B.;
Nil Desperandum; V. M., Hartlepool; B. B.; F. R., South Kensington.


JANUARY 3, 1874.]


i






14 JF U N [JANUARY 3, 1874.


'U 1111T


ZK\\ '>T


THE FIRST PARTY.
Bager Gent:-" MY DEAR MADAM, I HOPE I AM NOT LATE: I DO HOPE I HAVE NOT KEPT THE PARTY WAITING."
Lady:-" OH! DEAR NO, MR. EARLYBIRD-YOU ARE OUR.VERY FIRST ARRIVAL."
jM)r. E. :-" OH, I AM SO GLAD-SO GLAD-I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SO VERY SORRY TO HAVE KEPT THE PARTY WAITING."


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
MESSRS. CHATTO and Windus have followed up their Maclise
Gallery with what may be fairly considered a companion volume, The
Works of James Gillray. As the former is invaluable to the student of
literary history, the latter is a treasury for the student of politics.
The plates are most accurately fac-similed, and the annotations by Mr.
Thomas Wright are as exhaustive and clear as his antiquarian
descriptions always are.
Great African Travellers (Routledge and Sons, Broadway) is a use-
ful book of reference, though in the attempt to get all travels from
Park's time till now within its limits, it has got squeezed rather dry of
the detail which is much of the charm of such relations. The pictures
are excellent.
The _Physiology of the Sects (S. Tinsley, Southampton-street) is not
a work we can discuss here; but we may say it is fairly tolerant, and
is exhaustive enough in all conscience. From the same publisher we
receive Harry's Big Boots, which strikes us as rather over the heads of
young readers with its political and scientific allusions.
The Poet's Year (Warne and Co., Bedford-street) is a judicious
selection of verse edited by Mr. Tinckham, capitally illustrated in
colours, and altogether turned out in a style calculated to recommend
t. i a aa sea nab~ill ift~ b.Tlok


The artist who illustrated Aladdin (Marcus Ward and Co.) has
studied Japanese art to some effect. Even if here and there he seems
to depend less on inspiration than recollection, he has succeeded in
turning out a clever and brilliant series of pictures, which even the
Mikado would regard with approval. If the publishers could have
refrained from engraving their names on each picture in Roman
capitals the Japanese spirit would not have suffered, and good taste
would have been the gainer.


A Political "Tip."
THERE have been many rumours as to the possible resignation of
the Ministry at some future time. We believe our readers may take
it for granted that Mr. Gladstone intends to Budget" somewhere
about next April.

Now Ready, the Twenty-fifth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The EIGHTEENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d.each.


Se Ao. lso, Reaadiny uases, Is. each.

FOR BREAKFAST.




CHIOCOLNT MENIER.
I FOR LUNCHEON.
i t T. ars nas ears Dam -nf s (r


I conix Vy o-,v St. Andrew s Hill, Doctors Commons, and Publi3hed (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, January 3, 1874.


1








JANUARY 10, 1874.]


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 354.
I RATHER think the niggers
Are cutting poorish figures,
For all their boasting gassy ;
Before the English forces
They bolt like unbroke horses,
And hasten to Coomassie.

1. When dinner I take
With an Arab Sheik,
I'll bet you a button,
I get this, of mutton.

2. Don't for humility
Take what's civility;-
A gentleman ?-certain to take off his hat s he!
To an inferior,
Or a superior,
Merely politeness-and what worse for that is he ?
3. Here and there,
And everywhere,
He skips and he nips, and he makes a man swear I

4. I have got
A chimney-pot
Upon my head;
But something soft
To put aloft
I'd like instead.
5. Of all regimes that France has tried, I wis,
She never prospered as she did with this.

6. Against this thing the public sets its face,
And out of doors forbids it to take place.
And yet no man-'tis truth; as such believe it-
In his own house is willing to receive it.
SOLUTION Op ACROSTIC, No. 352 :-Foggy Times':-
Fist, Orsini, Germ, Grebe, Yoicks.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC, No. 352, received 1st
January:-Smng; Pollie; Peggotty; Double or Quits; Ozone ;
Gyp; Turk ; Yerrip ; A mere Child; Cliff; Gambling Button ; I
Making Lanterns; Old Trafford; Leibig Family; Slodger and 1
Tiney; Hookey Walker; Your Own James; Dark Eyes.


FUN.


BOXING.
Tarry :-" BIN OHRIS'MAS-BOXING MUCH, TOMMY F"
Tomimy :-" No SUCH LUCK; DOCTOR'S BUSY, AND I BIN MAINLY Pill-
boxing."


SOME CHRISTMAS PIECES.
THOSE who love pantomime, not only for its own sake but on account
of the scenery and decoration to which it gives rise, look of course
to Drury Lane as the establishment in which this phase of theatricals
is to be produced in all its glory. The reputation of old Drury as
regards pantomime is not only great, but has been so for ages, and
this year Mr. Chatterton and his assistants have fallen in no way
behind the results of former seasons. The transformation and
closing scenes bring out the full resources of the vast stage, and the
artistic embellishments are rewarded by frequent plaudits, not from
the gallery alone, but from other parts, the occupants of which are
generally content to look on quietly. We should be afraid to commit
ourselves in any way as to the number of people who appear on the
stage during the progress of Jack in the Box, so we will shelter our-
selves under the statement that their name is legion. Some
children's ballets are wonderfully well executed, and a duet and dance
by two little girls might teach a lesson to more pretentious artists.
In the harlequinade the principal attractions are an American who
spins a cask with his feet in remarkable style, and the one-legged
dancer, Piero. The police of course receive attention, but neither in
opening or close is there any exhibition of ability worth noticing on
the part of the leading characters, if we may except Miss Russell, who
sings nicely, and Mr. F. Evans, whose legs are quite expressive.
At the Alhambra H. J. Byron's medley, Don Juan, has supplanted
the classical piece which ran for such a long while, and now that the
programme has again become set by the introduction of the famous
Berlin ballet, Flick and Flock, it is not likely to be disturbed
for some time to come. In Don Juan, Mr. Byron, if he has not
improved on his illustrious namesake, has shown us that great fun
may be extracted from him and his work, and truly Juan's adventures,
mixed up as they are with those of his other self Giovanni, are very
diverting. La Fille de Madame Angot supplies an extraordinary
percentage of the music, and when Lecocq fails, Offenbach comes to the
rescue. It would be hard to find two actresses less capable of


exhibiting, or of even imitating, the peculiar humour of the originals in
the quarrelling duet, than Miss Amy Sheridan and Miss Kate Santley,
which perhaps accounts for their having it to do. However, what they
wanted in ability they made up in vigour and vulgarity-and so
were highly successful. Miss Rose Bell, as Juan, looked pretty and
sang with true artistic feeling, and Mr. Paulton was as funereally
comic as usual, while of the others what meed of praise we have to
bestow must be divided between Mr. Worboys and the Statue. But
it isn't much for two.
Those folk who delight in crowded houses and like to see every
available inch of space occupied, would have been gladdened at the
sight presented by St. James's (great) Hall on'Boxing Day, in the
morning as well as. the evening. By a mathematical calculation made
on the spot we decided that one small boy more might with difficulty
have been got into the hall, but not a full-grown man. The crush
was something awful, and we should like to know, if Mr. Burgess
would kindly inform us, what became of those persons who were
placed on one side to recover their original shapes at leisure. The
performance was generally excellent, though a little rhyme and a little
reason might not be found out of place in Mr. G. W. Moore's songs.
Little Willy and Mr. De Brenner are especially worthy of commenda-
tion.

When ?
WE clip this tangling notice from a Penrith paper:-
NOTICE.
CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR'S HOLIDAYS.
rTHE PRINCIPAL DRAPERS, HOSIERS, HATTERS, and CLOTHIERS, of
L PENRITH, have agreed to CLOSE their places of Business on CHRISTMAS
and NEW YEAR'S DAY, and the DAYS FOLLOWING.
We fancy there will be a fine opening for enterprise here. If the
drapers, hatters, hosiers, and clothiers close for the two feasts and
the days following," there appears to be no chance of their opening
again between now and doomsday. Let us go and open shops there!


VOL. XIX. T









16 FUN.


[JANUARY 10, 18'4.


IFUr OFFIcE, WFednesday, Jan. 7, 1874.

A BUN FOR BRUIN.
WE gave you pepper some years since,
Old Bear, old Bear!
We send you now a gay young prince,
As you're aware.
We taught you to dance
To caper, and prance,
And show a humbler carriage :
So now you can go
And shake a toe
At the coming Royal Marriage.
\We licked you, but respect your pluck,
Old Bear, old 1Bear !
W e trust you'll meet with better luck
In this affair,
For your sweet princess
Will soon, we guess,
Life's happy paths be treading,
And then you can go
And shake a toe
At the coming Royal Wedding.

'OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
USUAL amount of illness. Humorously described as Christmas and
New Year merrymaking. = Tichborne Trial on again. Reappear-
ance of A Juror with new and brilliant effects. = Virginius, given
up by the Spaniards, went down by itself. A good riddance. = Feast
of Lanterns at Brighton Aquarium on New Year's Eve. Why not a
Feast of Lamperns ? = The Master at the Mint wants to know
whether he shall coin florins or half-crowns in future. If it is all the
same to him we'll take all the half-crowns he can strike off. = AM.
Magne is going in for severely taxing the overtaxed French. Magne-a
est veritas et pr'avalebit. = Spanish Ministers are quarrelling among
themselves. Patriotic souls! = A row on board the .Devastation
caused bya bit of martinet practice. The Admiralty officially con-
tradicts the report.- Nevertheless it is true ; as an official denial would
lead us to suppose. = Liverpool shipowners bring an action for libel
against the publishers of Ship Ahoy. The hunger of shipowners for
caps is remarkable = The Corporation will no longer save its Bacon.
The Viaduct Memorial of the Prince Consort is to be unveiled on the
9th. = The Lord Chamberlain is going to St. Petersburg. What
will become of the theatres without his fatherly supervision! It is
consoling to know that he has licensed the performance of the Duke
of Edinburgh's marriage. = Bishopric of Madagascar conferred on
the Rev. Dr. Cornish. Pity they didn't send Archdeacon Denison,
"because there the men are as Mad "-agascar-" as he." Shakespeare.
= Lord Russell has been patting the Emperor of Germany on the
head, and saying "good boy" to him. His lordship has not yet
declined the post of resident surgeon at St. Peter's Hospital, and the
command of the Channel Fleet. On the other hand, they have not
yet been offered him.

COMING EVENTS.
THE year Eighteen Seventy Four being still young, may fairly be
considered for the most part a coming event. We drank his health
according to immemorial custom in punch, and as Mr. Ellis, of College
Hill, was good enough to forward for our judgment a cruchon of his
" Micawber Punch" we gave the toast in that, as being the most
appropriate, as well as the(most pleasant, beverage in which to pledge
the something that may turn up."

Adulterated Baths.
WE read in an American paper that "milk baths are advertised in
New York." The reason for this is that all the water has been used
ta make the milk sold for drinking purposes, so that the real milk has
t) be used for washing. If, however, the milk used in the baths is of
the same quality as that which we put in our tea, it is hardly worth
while to pay for the difference between it and the ordinary sewage
mixture supplied by the water companies.

Lowe-mceopathy.
THE new Home Secretary has issued a circular disapproving of
the employment of police-officers as inspectors of nuisances, and
requiring that such extraneous duty be discontinued from the 31st
inst." This is Lowe cunning with a vengeance, for who should know
so well as the ex-Chanceller of the Exchequer the effect one nuisance
has on another? Robert is evidently not a disciple of Hahnemann,
or, if he is, he thinks the police too allopathic in their quantities to
produce the desired effect.


WHY I AM NOT EDITING THE "COWVILLE
SATURDAY STINGER."
Stinger Office, Monday, 9 a.m.
DEAR GmILE,-A man has called to ask "who wrote that article
about Mr. Muskier." I have told him to find out, and he says that is
what he means to do. He has consented to amuse himself with the
exchanges while I ask you. I don't approve of the article.
J. MUNNIGLUT, Proprietor, Stinger.

13, Lofer-street, Monday, 10 a.m.
DEAR MUNNIGLUT,-Do you happen to remember how Dacier
translates 1' _-'.. est proprie comenunia dicere ? I've made a note of it
somewhere, but can't find it. If you remember, please leave a memo-
randum of it on your table, and I'll get it when I come down this
afternoon. DonD GRILE, Editor, Stinger.
P.S.-Tell the man to go away; we can't be bothered about that
fellow Muskler.

Stinger Office, Monday, 11.30 a.m.
DEAR GRILE,-I can't be unpolite to a stranger, you know; I must
tell him somebody wrote it. He has finished the exchanges, and is
drumming on the floor with the end of his stick ; I fear the people in the
shop below won't like it; besides, the foreman says it disturbs the
printers in the next room. Suppose you come down.
J. NIuNNIGLUT.

13, Lofer-street, Monday, 1 p.m.
DEAR MrxNNIQLUT,-I have found the note I made of that trans-
lation, but it is in French and I can't make it out. Try the man
with the dictionary and the Book of Dates." They ought to last
him till it's time to close the office. I shall be down early to-morrow
morning. Don GRILE.
P.S.-How big is he ? Suggest a civil suit for libel.

Stinger Office, Monday, 3 p.m.
DEAR GRILE,-He looks larger than he was when he came in. I've
offered him the dictionary; he says he has read it before. He is
sitting on my table! Will you come at once! J. MuxNNIOLuT.
13, Lofer-street, Monday, 5 p.m.
DEAR MUNNIGLUT,-No, I don't think I shall. I am doing an
article for this week on "The Present Aspect of the Political
Horizon." Expect me very early to-morrow. You had better turn
the man out and shut up the office. Don GRILE.

Stinger Office, Tuesday, 8 a.m.
DEAR MR. GRILE,-Mr. Munniglut has not arrived, but his friend,
the large gentleman who was with him all day yesterday, is here
again. He seems very desirous of seeing you, and says he will wait.
*Perhaps he is your cousin. I thought 1 would tell you he was here
so that you might hasten down. Ought I to allow dogs in the office ?
The gentleman has one-a bull-dog. HENRY INXIING, Clerk.

13, Lofer-street, Tuesday, 9.30 a.m.
MR.. INxtLNG,-Certainly not; dogs have fleas. The man is an
impostor. Oblige me- by turning him out. I shall come down this
afternoon-early. Don GRILE.
P. S.-Don't listen to the rascal's entreaties; out with him !

Stinger Office, Tuesday, 12 noon.
DEAR MR. GBILE,-The gentleman carries a revolver. Would you
mind coming down and reasoning" with him ? I have a wife and five
children depending upon me, and when I lose my temper I am apt to
go too far. I would prefer that you should put him out.
HEN1Y INXLING.

13, Lofer-street, Tuesday, 2 p.m.
MiSTER IXXLING,-Do you suppose I can leave my private corre-
spondence to preserve you from the intrusion and importunities of
beggars? Put the scoundrel out at once-neck and heels! I know
him; he's Muskler-don't you remember ? Muskler, the coward who
assaulted an old man; you'll find the whole circumstance related in last
Saturday's issue. Out with'him-the unmanly sneak !
DOD GrILE.

Stinger Office, Tuesday evening.
DSAR MR. GRILE,-I have told him to go, and ho laughed. So did
the bull-dog. But he is going. He is now making up a bed for the
pup in one corner of your room, with some floor-mats and old news-
papers, and appears to be about to go to dinner. I have given him









FUN.


your address. The foreman wants some copy to go on with. I beg
you will come at once if I am to be left-alone with that dog.
HENRY In LING

40, Duntioner's-court, Wednesday, 10 a~m.
MR. INxLING,-I should have come down to the office last evening,
but you.see I have been moving. My landlady was too filthy
dirty for anything I stood it .as long as I could; then I lefti I'm
coming directly I get your answer to this; but I want to kw .fTirst
if my;pen has been cut and ny.ink-bottle'filled. This house isia:good
way out, but the boy can. take the 'busat-the corner of Bussel-street
and Bilque-square. DODn Gina.
Oh!-about that man ? Of course you have not seen hima~nce.

Stinger Office, Wednesday-i2 ,nonn .
MR. D. GmGE,-I've got your note to Inxling ; he aintzsome ,doie,
this morning. I haven't a line of copy on the hooks; the boys arme
all throwing in dead.ads.. There's a man and a dog in thesreprietor's
office; I don't believe they ought to be in there, all ilane; but ,-they
were here all Monday and yesterday, and:may be connected with, the
businesemaanagement of the paper; so I don't like tender them ,out.
Perhaps you will come down and speakto them.; W, 'shyilda ee to
go away.if you don't sendi-opy. Wnaiz Au onI, 'Foreman.

40,.Duntioner's-court fWddnsday, 3 p.m.-
MR. QtreI---Your"mnoteastonishei me. Thea ayou describe is a
notorious thief! Get the priders sill togethestuand &nake-:a rush at
him. Don't try to keep hifnlbut just hustlea;Aliiaout of town, and
I'll be down as,soon as I cangi*ta bitton.:sewtmanys.collar.

Give it ilhimgood !-don't mention my adi pand he'dieat comnos
plain to me of ihow you treat liimb, t BdBt hi

Stigp Offiiu, Friday. 2 p.m;
Mi. Giam-,--Business has detained mner rom.ah,'6ffice until now,
and what loj fnd ? Not a soltidboutthaiplasepiouopyrnots stidk-
full of of li e matter in the galle m! Th ebca mbotpaperhisaweek.,
What youhAav.eall done with yomselvesd[ ii somaE=w 'itlidonAw onu


NOT TO BE HAD.
little Brother :-" SAY, WHAT ARE ALL THOSE BLUE MARKS ON YOUR ARM ?
Sister :-" VEINS, CHARLIE-BLOOD VESSELS, YOU KNOW."
I. B. :-" OR COME, I SAY I'VE SEEN LOTS OF VESSELS AT PORTSMOUTH WHEN PA TOOK
ME THERE I KNOW WHAT A VESSEL IS "


SEASONABLE.
THE rates and the taxes are rising,
And milk is unuommonly dear;
What welse pyingformeat is surpioi gis:
So I wish.you a happy New Yearl!
There's coa2.going aighr "and *higher, .
And likselytotdo:so,-1 fear;
Whi-h is 'bad for "the humble "small
buyer; "
So I wish you a happy New Year!
Good Templars are anxiously striving
To rob a poor man of his beer ;- '
So the land on the whole must be thriving;
And I wish you a happy New Year!

A Wonder.
WE trust the illustrious Barnum did not
leave this country before the publication
in the Telegraph of an advertisement which
would certainly have set his mouth water-
ing. It announced that two cobs were
for sale, and stated, One carries a lady,
six years old, 15 hands high, colour brown."
A lady six years old and fifteen hands
high would be enough to re-establish the
fortunes of Barnum's Museum; and in
these days of abolition the fact that the
damsel was brown would not militate
against her popularity.

A Fast Woman.
THERE is a woman clerk in the Treasury
Department of the United States who can
count 9,000 notes in an hour, and has
counted 4,000 in twenty minutes. This
may seem quick work, but we know a
woman or two in England who could run
through all those notes, and as many more
as she could get, in the course of a few
minutes.


JANUARY 10, 1874.]


would suppose, there had been smallpox about the place. You will
please come down .an dexplan .this Hegira at once-at once if you
please. J. MUNNIGLUT.
P.S. That troublesome> tjikle--youi may remember he dropped in
on Monday to inquire about something or other-has taken a sort of
shop exactly opposite here, .and sQems, at this distance, to be doing
something to a shotgun. I presume he is a gunsmith. So we are
precious well ridd f -him.

Railway Station, Friday evening.
MY DEAR MfiNamaXml-auatia Ddine or two to say I am 'suddenly
called away toibuityutnyidk another; When that is off my mind I'll
write you whdlb'I knewwalut the'Hlegira, the Flight into Egypt, the
Retreat of thavATen Thousand,, tandM whatever else you would like to
learn. There is nothing anean eabdut me. I don't think there has
;been any wilffll._desertion. You may engage an editor for, say fifty
years, with the privilege of keeping him regularly, if at the end of that.
fiune I should unfortunately break .ay neck hastening back.
DOD GREE.
I hope tbitrpoor fellow Muskler will makea, lair profit in the gun-
smithing liie. Jump him for an adil

Peculiar VPeoplv.b
PEOPLxr of curious habits would seem toshave peculiar ,friends:-
T E friends of a person of rather curiou htlik desire to pledge her with some
respectable couple in one of the villaguienea iW-. About 30 per annum
will be given. For'further partifulam,e&v'
The lady's hahitt..must be outsins. indeed, if she can beupleased at the
notion of liAiiegeonthe lowly dtlowanse of thirty younfs per annum.
Would the "respectable.couple," be expected to chain their lodger to
a bedpost ina darkroom for that sumif

(iSt eli4lrounds.
Fhis:..the sagiaitaE-ioapronlaation recently published at *Cape
Coast-Castle, -referring to'-the inpressment of Fanteesdit would seem
fthat :Coffee is rather a common mame thereabouts, as three out of six
signatories bear it. But it is a pity that the Coffee has not a little
,doery 'withit among the Fantees.









18 F[JANUARY 10, 1874


A FAR CRY.
Betty:-"MY! WHOT A FOINE SERMUNT MRL JONES PREACHED YESTERDAY! ALL THE WOMEN FOLK WAS A-WEEPIN'AND A-CRYING
QUITE BEAUTIFUL TO BEHOLD, 'CEPT OLD 'TILDA, FROM OOLSTONE-SHE DIDN'T CRY A BIT! '
Sally:-"OOF COURSE SHE DIDN'T, STOOPID. DON'T SHE BELONG TO ANOTHER PARISH?"


THE RESULTS.
THE world is a prison-a charnel,
And life is a bleak, barren field,
VWhich thistle, and charlock, and darnel,
Is suitable only to yield.
I own I am thoroughly beaten;-
You ask whence these murmurs arise ?
Oh, why-when plum-pudding I'd eaten-
Oh, why did I eat those mince-pies!
My outlook is jaundiced and yellow,
I hate all the rest of mankind;
I'm a wholly unsuitable fellow
To struggle with destiny blind,-
The reflection it does not much sweeten
To own I'm a fool sans disguise.
Oh, why-when plum-pudding I'd eaten-
Oh, why did I eat those mince-pies!
Then fetch me the rhubarb of Turkey-
The draught that is blackest of black;
These visions so gloomy and murky
I'll drive far away in a crack!


On water, and bread, that is wheaten,
Henceforth I shall fare, if I'm wise.
Oh, why-when plum-pudding I'd eaten-
Oh, why did I eat those mince-pies ?

A Pushing Toadstool.
IN an Illinois paper we read of a toadstool at Keen, N. H. which:-
Grew up under the concrete walk, breaking it and pushing it until it made room
for itself. The concrete in that place is said to be nearly an inch thick and would
hold up a heavily loaded team.
The Editor calls this a remarkable illustration of the power of
vegetable growth." To our thinking it is a still more remarkable
illustration of what an Editor will do when he is hard up for short
paragraphs.

Wadge ye want P
A CoRNISH paper says:-
Edwin Harvey Wadge, the principal organiser of the sham North Caradon
Mining Company," has been convicted at the Manchester assizes on the charge of
obtaining money by false pretences, and sentenced to five years' penal servitude.
It is not always that evil-doers get their reward. But evidently
prison warders sometimes get their wa(d)ges.





A BUN FOR BRUIN.
2Btdl:-"HERE, OLD BOY, I THINK YOU'LL LIKE THAT BETTER THAN WHAT YOU GOT LAST TIME!"


F UJIN .-JANUARY 10, 1874.









FUNO


JANUARY 10, 1874.]


MUSINGS UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
]BY As OLD MAID.


I


Capital.
A conrNTY correspondent tells us that on the installa-
tion of a new Vicar, the Clerk informed him that it
was the usual custom to give something to the poor ;
whereupon the Vicar replied he should most certainly
give them a largesse. "Please, sir," remarked the Clerk,
meekly, I think they would prefer a little tea."


THINGS I DO NOT KNOW.
WHY people who are "thankful that it isn't any worse" are not
proportionately wrathful that it's as bad as it is.
Why a man who writes a purposeless letter commonly begins by
apologising for not having written it sooner.
Why a man who subscribes himself my"" humble obedient servant"
gets angry if requested to clean my boots.
Why, when my letter to the Times is shown up '"in some other
man's letter to the Times, I cannot reply without being thought
sensitive, and cannot refrain without being thought silenced.
Why it is considered disgraceful in discussion to allude to my
opponent's personal deformities, and respectable to sneer at his mental
weakness.
Why people who profess the most absorbing interest in the weather
never attend to what I have to say about it.
Why, when I have acquired the ill-will of an extortionate menial
by saving a shilling, I feel as if I had made a bad bargain.
Why women whose own hair I am privileged to inspect have,
as a rule, recently recovered from fever, since which the hair has not
been so luxuriant as before.
Why men who are fond of intellectual battles, combats of wit, etc.,
don't.make good soldiers.
Why pretty women prefer to kiss one another on the cheek, and
why they don't kiss oftener.
What to say when an acquaintance asks me how I seem to think I
feel myself.
Vhat to say when my servant hands me my slippers and says
Thank you."
What truthful answer to make when a small child asks me, in
the presence of its mother and the young ladies, if I ever let my little
dirl wide on my back, like I was a pony."
What to do when I have told something to Jones as having
happened to myself, and then remember that I had the story from
him. Whether it is worth while to do anything.


21


FOGGED I
Country Servant-(on the first appearance of the fogs this year) :-" OH, MA'AM,
PLEASE, MA' A31 THE CHIMLEY IS ON FIRE, AND JAMES TELLS ME EVRY11Y
CIIMLEY IN LONDON IS THE SAME "


How to act when a lady stone-deaf is sitting on my handkerchief
and I want it, for my nose.
How to preserve the character of a gentleman when asked where
Lord Peddygree was living when I' dined at his house, if I have
forgotten.
How to prevent a man from discovering that I don't know his
name, who comes up and shakes hands with me, and evidently expects
an introduction to the friend I am talking with.
How to retain the confidence of a friend who asks me for a small
loan, if I have not the money.
How to ascertain if my purse is safe when talking to a beggar,
without exciting false hopes.
How to feel at ease when a stranger, who has dropped a sovereign
amongst a lot of other stranger friends, finds it under my foot.
I call on a friend to tell him it will be impossible to keep my
appointment to dine with him. Ignorant of the object of my visit,
he, to my intense relief, asks that another time may be appointed, as
he has recollected a previous engagement. I .then foolishly counter-
feit regret, but of course excuse him. Suddenly he finds he has not,
made a previous engagement, and is delighted that we can carry out
the original intention. How to get out of it.


Charlie is my Darling.
MR. CHARLEY, M.P., has been guilty of treason, and will, we
sincerely hope, be impeached, directly Parliament reassembles. In his
speech to the small-very Smallbridge Conservative Association he
placed our gracious Majesty the Queen on a pinnacle." If Mr.
Charley had ever tried standing on a pinnacle himself for a few
minutes, he would have known it is a most painful and embarrassing
position-especially for a lady. Possibly he only meant the statement
for a figure of speech; but in that case he has no right to ask for the
blood of local editors because they have a dawning suspicion that he
"talks nonsense."


FUll.


I'M sitting here beneath the bough
But no one seems to heed me!
I'm getting old and passe now,
And younger girls precede me.
Yet still should Age command Respect"-
As once I read in Mavor.
I find a maxim more correct
Is-Kissing goes by Favour !
Adolphus, who was erst so dear,
Had once beside me tarried !
He sees me, but he comes not near;
He's stout, and bald, and-married !
The blooming roses of our prime
Have somehow lost their savour;
And I've a lesson learnt from time
That-Kissing goes by Favour!
Charles Tompkins is a charming youth,
[I own my love-in brackets.]
Although he has, to tell the truth,
Not long been out of jackets.
Calf-love some people may despise,
Yet veal possesses flavour.
But Charles averts his lovely eyes;-
Yes,-Kissing goes by Favour !
I'm dying of a broken heart,
.Each day the end draws closer !
Ah, why did I refuse John Smart,
Because he was a grocer ?
Then plant a bough of mistletoe
This luckless maiden's grave o'er,
And on the humble stone below ,
Write-Kissing goes by Favour.









22 FUN.


[JA uAnY 10, 1874.


THE ASHANTEE SENTINEL:
A TALE OF THE 42ND HIGHLANDERS ON THE GOLD COAST.


'ii


7; ~ d


A NEW USE FOR HAILSTONES. A Good Thing too.
Mn. DISRAELI has been made the subject of a lecture by the Rev. THE Daily Telegraph is horror-stricken at the notion attributed to
George Gilfillan, of Dundee. The reverend lecturer, after describing Prince Bismarck, of substituting German for French as the language
Mr. Disraeli as "the genius of, and an honour to, the British nation, of diplomacy. Says the 1). T.-
and also his own people," added :- An Embassy will be henceforth brutalised into a Gesandsehaft," and a Five
.He had been called an adventurer, a Pagan, a swindler, a thimble-rigger, and and Twenty Days' Armistice will become the comprehensive but ferociously
even a downright knave. These were a few of the hard names that had been sounding "Funfundzwanzigtagigewaffenstillstand."
flung upon him, same of them not, perhaps, without a certain portion of truth. Well, and what then ? In every negotiation two or three diplomatists
" But," continued the lecturer, in a metaphor at once bold and would get their tongues tied in a knot, and would be choked. Who
sublime, would be the worse for that ?
No such shower of hailstones could suffice to wipe away from the sight of the
people that figure sitting down before the whole House of Commons, with these
words, I sit down now, but the time will come when you must listen to me." A 'Prentice Hand.
We quite agree with" Mr. Gilfillan that a man who is an honour to SOME people have the faculty of wishing for what they can't get;.
his country and may be called a thimble-rigger and knave "not but they can't help, it, poor things. Perhaps they wish to get rid of
without a certain portion of truth," will never have his memory wiped the peculiarity- but then they never do get what they want. This
out by a shower' of hailstones; but we suspect that a few more of such must be one of their emanations:-
showers of hailstones will wipe away any reputation Mr. Gilfillan
may have as a master of English. WANTED, ENGRAVER'S APPRENTICE, who has completed his appren-
ay ticeship. Salary to start, 50 per annum.-AddressB.E., care of Mr.--,
Cornhill, E.C.
A New Mission. The advertiser might just as well have asked for a prisoner who was
A DEAK good clergyman who has been to Africa and "would fain at liberty, or a fasting man who had just finished his dinner.
Christianise the natives there, writes to the Times in the cause of
humanity" to ask if our authorities are fully alive to the utility of a f N *
thoroughly efficient rocket corps on the Gold Coast." He hopes that Hint for Missionaries.
his idea will be thought well of, for, as he truly says: Any suggestion Bisno CALLAWAY who has just been consecrated at Edinburgh as
tending towards peace with the heathen, or any effort tending to .Missionary bishop for Kaffraria has been making a few remarks upon
hasten the return of our troops from such a climate, is worth his work and prospects. According to the Scottish Guardian he told
consideration." The missionary spirit and the military sympathies of his hearers that:-
this good clergyman are mixed in such even proportions that we When a single man, or a married man (with his wife and family), located
hardly know which predominates. But the notion of Christianising himself in a wilderness like Kaffraria be had heart-breaking work before him.
Africa by means of a "highly efficient rocket corps" flanked by The conclusion is plain enough. The only missionary who can be
missionaries is perhaps worth a trial. At least we might try the happy in Kaifraria is a married man who leaves his wife and children
rocket corps, at home. There is something in that.


I









FUN.


THE KING OF THE GHOSTS.
A STORY FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE.
THE story I am about to tell contains nothing wonderful whatever,
but it has the recommendation of being exactly true. I wouldn't
write a story unless it were true, or at all events if it mightn't have
been true, and nobody need trouble to consider about the reality of
the following, as the Editor and myself take all the responsibility.
Once upon a time there was a man, and a very good man he was,
but he had one fault, which it was said would ruin him. He wouldn't
believe in ghosts. And no power on earth could possibly make him.
When he was a boy his father had tried times out of number to
impress upon him the necessity of doing as others did, and had used
the most substantial arguments which a father canuse, but this wilful boy
had-remained stubborn, and though he loved his parent dearly, refused
to be convinced. His poor delicate mother, too, who was sinking into
an early grave in a-manner which would have converted any other boy
in five minutes, often with tears in her eyes implored her darling son
to,give way. For," said she, we have not yet arrived at a period
in the world's history when we can dispense with our old beliefs. When
we do, then you.can think as you like, but for the present do as-you
are bid, and the ghosts will be satisfied. Public opinion is not, strong
, enough:for them yet." And she would have kissed him on the calm and.
plaeid&brow, if his father hadn't come in -suddenly and kicked him down
stairs5 andmade use, I regret to say, of very bad language because his
tea:wasn't:.ready, and because his bloater had a hard instead of a soft
roe.
Before the mother sank into the silent tomb she again exhorted her
son,. and. his obduracy was so far melted that he remembered what
shiahadtsaid almost until the funeral was finished; but the sight of one
of his cousins helping himself to an undue allowance ofcake, roused
hi-ire, and-his good. resolutions vanished like snow in the sunshine.
Anud when he asked his cousin, whom he hated because he was a quiet
boy and always knew his lessons, if he believed in ghosts, and the
cousin said'" Yes," our: boy-that is the boy of this story-pitched into
him, and not only walloped- him, but took his cake away and teat it4
And when his father's back was turned he actually took: some of:the
wine which was on the table. But this brought its own punishment
with it, for he had not been educated up to dry wines, and he sickened
almost unto death, and perhaps it-was only because he.didn't believe
in theghost sufficientlyto give it-up, that he didn't quite die.
Well, as I have said, or if I didn't I meant to say it, in; due course
this boy became a man, and as yet his old obstinate and obdurate
ways had done him no harm, though people who were not in a hurry
said they were sure to presently. But those who liked to get a thing
over were anxious that the moral of the unbeliever should be pointed,
and began to repine at our man's comparative immunity. But our man
didn't care a jot, and he got married, and soon had a young family round
him. It was noticeable that the lessons his father had taught him
were not forgotten, as he not only walloped his wife and youngsters,
but swore he would serve the old man the same if he interfered. And
still he did not believe in ghosts.
You will have noticed, of course, that all this took place a long time
ago, in the dark ages, when candles were dear, and gas was not invented.
And so ,the King of the Ghosts, who had for a long time waxed
impatient at the want of belief of J. Smith-J. Smith was the hame
of our hero--thought that one night he would teach him a lesson
which he wouldn't in a hurry forget. So he called a meeting of
co-ghosts, and they arranged that they would get some brimstone and
treacle and other eteeteras which make the ghostly life happy, but
which strike terror into the human breast, and wait on him at their
earliest convenience. After deciding all this they separated.
And I wouldn't have been J. Smith for any money-that is for any
money under fourpence.
The King of the Ghosts considered that New Year's Eve would be
the best time to punish J. Smith for his want of belief, and so
communicated by circular with his subjects. By eleven o'clock they
were all arrayed in heavy marching order, and ready to start for the
doomed man's house. The plan of the campaign was that the King
should go up and ring the area bell, and as it was the coldest night
that had ever been known before the invention of the thermometer,
Smith would be annoyed at having to jump out of bed at near
midnight, and fumble at the door before he could see who was
there.
Then he was to have his lesson. Poor J. Smith!
*
But it happened that J. Smith and his family had accepted an
invitation to spend the New Year's Eve and the New Year at the.
house of a friend-mind I never said J. Smith had no friends!-and so
the ghosts after waiting in the cold till their teeth chattered, and the
early village cock began to wonder what was the matter, returned
home, thinking there was method in J. Smith's madness after all.
And this was what led to my becoming converted to Smith's
opinions. I wouldn't believe in anyone if he couldn't lay his plans
better than the King of the Ghosts did.


ALSACE-LORRAINE.
"The poesy of a ring."
A SIMPLE ring of Breton make,
And purchased at a Norman fair,
Worn by the people for the sake
Of emblems that are graven there:-
A naked blade that stern impends
O'er A and L, in fetters dight:-
Hope! Patience! so the legend tends;
And further Might oppresses Right."
No magic ring of Eastern tale,
That had a genie for its slave,
Could have the power to prevail,
Like this one, over spirits brave ;
How oft, while Jean his land shall till,
Will that brief motto meet his sight ?-
"Hope. Patience.", says the legend still,
And whispers Might oppresses Right."
Despite its follies and its crimes,
In waiting strong, of courage high,
The nation, fallen on evil times,
Works its redemption by-and-by;
And Jean, if dead has left his sons
The ring, their vengeance to incite.
Hope. Patience! so the legend runs;
Not always Might oppresses Right."
And War shall loose her dogs once more
Cry havock," and lay waste the lands;
And through the fertile fields shall pour
The flood of her devouring bands.
And every patriot heart that:bleeds
Shall in the simple hope unite-
Hope. Patience !" so the legend reads,
No longer Might oppresses Right."
And whose the blame for this long feud ?
Nott.hine, ohamation, be') confessed,
Whose foes, with cruel hands and rude,
Two children ravished from thybreast!
And who shall blame thee if thou dost,
Thy children to recover, fight ?
"Hope. Patience! In the legend trust-
And some day "Right shall conquer Might."

dUXsfk2s to 61Oefli$VD rbrftS.

[ We cannot return uniacepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible far loss.]
J. S. B.-But as you can have your Fox for a penny, the cost of regis-
tration was sheer waste.
D. S. (Westbourne-street.)-You don't seem to be one of the Poets"
whom you describe as "imbued in noble strains."
MANAGEREss.-We think their duties are telegraphing and not toffee-
making.
H. K.-We hope that on reflection you will see the mistake of your
letter. Apply to yotr friends.
HIvrrE (St. Ives.)-You are less of a bee than a wasp, to want to sting
your neighbour Hivites, under cover of our columns.
E. C. (Prince's Row.)-MSS. should be addressed simply to "The
Editor,"and if their return is desired should be accompanied by a stamped
and directed envelope.
*Pmrna-A-.iEaR.-If we commented on the absurd notion, it would only
answer the liberal Withamite's purpose by advertising him.
RAiLwAY SERVANT.-Such a picture as you suggest would be rather too
-ghastly.
R. J. (Coate.)-We cannot return MSS., when our rules are defied.
P. (Belsize Park-gardens.)-Stamp forfeited.
Amcus Cumwic.-Yes, that's all very well, but now that a Judge has
threatened a gasman for contempt of court, they might even descend to
committing the Editor of a comic paper.
ISHRMAEL.-Well, we have no objection to your hand being against
us "-provided you wash it now and then.
Declined with Thanks :-0. K., London; H. B.; A. C. C., Glasgow; B.
S.; Ricardo Grando; T. W., Camberwell-road; C. C. C.; B., King's-holm;
C., Caithness; Z. B. A.; J. G, Glasgow; T., Islington; B. J. MI.; Walker;
J. C., Liverpool; M. A. T., Winkfield; E. C. Ai., Galway; Sucking Pig;
G., Leeds; B., Kew-bridge; T. N.. Dublin; J- J. S.,Hull; H. C., Brixton;
J. M., Fairview; Dizamma; B., Glasgow; Veritas, Leicester; C. G., Glas-
gow; G. S., Limerick; Assam; D., Catford-bridge; An Old Party; G. M.,
Chester; Paddy from Cork; Tootles; B., South Kensington; A Cannibal;
F. W.; T. R., Warrington; S., Aberdeen; J. R. T.; P., Leicester; A
Guy; William the Silent; W. McC., Edinburgh.


JANUARY 10, 1874.]








24 -FU IN [JANUARY 10, 1874.


A DEAL TOO SHARP.
Mother (to Son, home for his holidays) :-" WHAT A PRETTY TIE YOU HAVE ON, FRAN "
Son :-" YES, PRETTY FAIR."
fatherr :-" WHAT DID IT COST YOU ?
Son :-" TWELVE SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE."
Mother :-" TWELVE SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE WHY, WHAT A PROFIT THOSE PEOPLE MUST MAKE "
Son:-" YES, TIE usually DO pay the dealer."


"CHATS ON THE MAGS.
.JANUARY.
IN the Cornhill we have the wind-up of Zelda's Fortune," which,
although it-has for some chapters seemed the only possible ending, is
nevertheless an unsatisfactory one. "Young Brown" is a good instal-
ment; 'and :there is the commencement of a new fiovel. There is
little space left for shorter articles after these, but the paper on
Landseer makes up for that in interest.
In Temple Bar we have a pleasant portion of Uncle John," and a
capital article' on Chateaubriand. The verse, as usual, is not first class,
but the- other contents are very readable. "In the Interests of
Science" "will have an interest for the lovers of the Ingoldsby Legends,
being by the son of their author.
London Society is no worse than usual, and may indeed be said to be
better, because it is relieved from the Chesterfield Letters, which were
not only ignorantly and stupidly written, but were, it seems from recent
disclosures, also in the nature of libels; an Irish earl, of, the name of
Desart, having,- under compulsion, admitted some responsibility for
them, and in a sort of way apologised to one of those supposed to be
libelled. However, he's only an Irish Earl. *


FOR BREAKFAST.





CiOCOLAT


The new editor of The Gentleman's is certainly working with energy
and judgment. This month's number is an excellent one. A new
novel by the author o4,"Zelda's Fortune," with contributions by
Messrs. Sala and Forbes tend considerably to produce this result.
Of course, the principal feature of Once a Week is That Little
Frenchman," but the general contents are amusing enough.
The St. James's is a fair average number, though the heliotype
illustrations are not brilliantly successful. People whose eye for
spelling is defective must not run away with the idea that an article
on Hunting the Wild Deer," by "Thomas Carlisle," is from the
pen of the philosopher of Chelsea.
In Macmillan's an article by Ferdinand Hiller on Mendelssohn will
be read with interest. Sir Samuel Baker contributes a paper on
" Savage Warfare," and there is an essay on the resuscitated game of
Ombr6 ; so that altogether this is a somewhat lively number.


Now Ready, the Twenty-fifth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
The EIGHTEENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.


IMENIER.

FOR LUNCHEON.


Printed by JUDD & CO., Phcamx Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.--London, January 10, 1874





FUN.


'25


JANUARY 17, 1874.]


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 355.
OuR sailor boy has had to go
Over the sea to the land of snow
And frost and bitter weather;
He will bring a bride from over the sea
From the land of serfs to the land of the free,
So pledge a bumper that they may be
Happy for aye together.
1. The King of the Cannibal Isles
His leisure hours beguiles
With missionary cold, I wis,
But much prefers his viands-this !
2. The water-nymph, whose heart
Fell prey to human art,
Creation fair
As sweet as rare.
3. A poor relation of the giant
So hidious, vicious, and defiant,
Which thousands feast their hungry sight on
In the Aquarium at Brighton.
4. As thoughtfully the farmer whistles
While striding through his fields,
He uses this to slay the thistle
The weedy fallow yields.
5. Nightmares, nightmares, black and horrid,
In the long nightwatches torrid,
Come and rest
Upon the chest.
6. One and one are two,"
Cock-a-doodle doo !
So this swell
Would not tell,
All the lore he knew
7. If a weasel you would take
Do not try while he's awake,
But 'tis difficult to creep
On the animal asleep.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 353:-Good Bye, Old
Year !-Gorgio; Oriel; Odd; Dandy; Barge; Yueca;
Editor.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC, No. 353, received 8th.
January:-Jonesi Bartoni; 1 ; Ruby's Ghost; X.Q.; Three
Chuckleheads; Winkle; Ozone; Cliff; Old, Trafford; Leibig
Family; Putney Pigs.


NOVEL OPINIONS.
FEMALE histrionic art is at last to be purged of its impurities,
London Society having started on the arduous task of deciding who are
and who are not popular actresses." The effort is indeed
praiseworthy, but it would be an undoubted advantage if the zeal of
the writer had been tempered with some knowledge of the subject
undertaken by him. We might not then have found Mrs. Vezin
subjected to the faint praise of one that raves about a young lady who
may be very wonderful, but who has hardly had more experience
than the writer of the article in question. We are, however, prepared
to admit that everyone has his taste, and so will simply content our-
selves with extracting the following logical deduction, refraining at
the same time from wondering how the subject of the remarks feels in
company with representative English actresses.
If Miss Cavendish can find a part which thoroughly suits her she will make a
very great hit through nearly the whole of the drama ; and if she would only be-
even aad round, forming one clear and consistent notion of what the character
would say and do through the entire representation, and act up to that idea,
Miss Cavendish might almost become a great actress; but she never has done this,
and we fear that she never will.
That is, if Miss Cavendish can find anything she can do well and does
it well, she will succeed in what she attempts. And by parity of
reasoning, if this very youthful critic-as a critic, for we know
neither him nor his signature-had chosen a topic he understood, his
article might not have been quite so full of the original remarks of
which the foregoing is but a mild specimen. But what can be
expected in a magazine the editor of which-a lady-writing on the
subject of the horrid lower classes and the absence of true love among
them, says, apropos of infidelity-
A gentleman will suspect his wife of infidelity, and break his heart over it, for
years trying to hoodwink himself and tread down unworthy doubts, before he will
drag his dishonoured name into the light of day, and seek reparation at the hands
of law; but a husband of the lower orders has no such delicate consideration,
Most of them think a good beating sufficient compensation for their wrongs; but
a few, under the sense of outraged honour which they experience but cannot
define, feel that nothing short of blood will satisfy them, and quietly cut their


wives' throats from ear to ear. I have always had a sort of admiration for these
last-named criminals. They must have valued what they destroy at the risk of,
and often in conjunction with, their own lives. The act may be brutal, but it is
manly.
We will pass over the libel on the great bulk of Englishmen and
their wives,-though people who openly write themselves down as
belonging to the upper classes, should remember that Noblesse oblige is
an axiom as honourable as it is time-honoured-and will merely say
that a wife-mnurderer is never manly; if there be any manliness in
murder it is when the paramour and not the erring wife becomes the
victim. We have seen some strange specimens of manliness as well as
gentlemanliness in *the columns of London Society recently, but were
hardly prepared for opinions like these on the part of a lady.


Bacon for Lunch.
IT is with a deep sense of sorrow and shame that we admit it, but
we did not go to the dejduner which was supposed to be given in con-
nection with the unveiling of the Prince Consort's statue, on Holborn
Viaduct, for the simple reason that awfully clever as we are, we
are unable to be in two places at once; though the luncheon was sup-
posed to be given because of the statue, those who went to see the
unveiling had to do so to the sacrifice of their stomachs-that is,
unless they were princes or City potentates. Perhaps it was supposed
that the sight of a statue would be sufficient for the common, consider-
ing that it is a specimen of Bacon.

Late and Early.
LORD DESART, after having signed a declaration, the signature of
which Colonel Fraser assured him would be" a great unhappiness to his
friends," is kind enough to ask the gentleman to whom he makes the
humble apology to reinstate him by fighting him. It is only in Ire-
land that a man having tumbled into the mud could ask somebody to
kick him up again. May he get his Desarts!


VOL. XIX. C


THE GENTLER SEX.
Mild Matron :-" STRIKE THAT CHILD: LIFT YER 'AND AGIN' A 'ARMLESS
HINNERCENT LIKE THAT AND CALL HERSELF A Woman WHY YER MORE OV A
WILD BEAST-Y'AR-YE AINT EVEN FIT FOR THE ZOOLOGICAL, Y'AINT !"









26 FT

.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 14, 1874.
OUR ALLIES.
How sweet it is to fight for these
Most intellectual Fantees,
Whose chief delight
Is not to fight,
But bolt and plunder when they please.
They always like to run away
When there is promise of a fray,
But somehow yet
They don't forget
To bolt with stores in lieu of pay.

AFTER nearly a quarter of a century's trial, a period which so far
throws even the duration of the Tichborne case quite into the shade,
the question florins versus halferowns, seems as far- from settlement as,
ever. Nor does it appear likely to have any speedy solution, as itis
regarded from many very serious view-points. In the old days when
one pound notes were in circulation in this country, people who
possessed them were very much exercised as to their'actual value as com-
pared.with the amount they were, supposed to represent; even, those
whose poverty was as that of Lazarus, took special interest in the
controversy; and the song in which the conclusive statement that
Tloush a guinea it will sink and a note it will float,
Yet I'd rather have a guinea than a one pound note
occurs, was extremely popular with those that had never possessed and
were never likely to possess either. Indeed, it seems that on currency
questions- those who have the least money have the greatest know-
ledge, and we have no doubt that the Deputy Master of the Mint
would receive much useful information, were he to apply, say, in
Leather-lane or Baldwin's Gardens, where the relative values of
florins and half-crowns are tested to their fullest extent. And while
this is eing done we will content ourselves with the remark of the
only person we have consulted on the matter, our. very occasional
cabman, who says, Well, if it's all the same to you, sir, I'd rather
have the half-crown; .it's very bad weather you know."


VIfrtr Walftr Carfais.
The sea, the blue lone sea, hath one;
He lies where pearls lie deep.
He was the lov'd of all-yet none
O'er his low bed may weep."
MouRN for the brave-for passing brave was he;
Mourn for the good-a'nobler youth ne'er breathed;
Mourn for the dead, now resting far at se%-
A young heart still'd-a good sword early sheathed.
Another Charteris has gone to rest,
And Wemyss and March have lost another heir;
Round' Elcho's brow a wreath of laurel's prest-
A wreath a nation asks him aye to wear.

Cheap Journalism.
WE read-but with less than the usual amount of unwavering faith
which we place in newspaper statements-that the next sensation is to
be a farthing daily with a ham sandwich supplement to each number.
Well, the sandwich, however bad it may be, will be preferable to the
sheet of advertisements generously given with dearer journals, and
would do to keep a cat on. The idea is not new, however, for there
was once-and may be still-a photographic establishment which'drove
five rivals to bankruptcy by taking your photograph, and giving you
a baked potato in, for twopence. We fancy a Sunday paper with a
pint of half a:d-half supplement would be a glorious institution, and
worthy of tia consideration of the Licensed Victuallers Association.

Pretty Pol!
THE Globe gravely rebukes the senders of telegrams from Bengal,
for describing the crops in that district as "eight" or "four anna
crops." It very properly describes this is'a "pernicious polyglot," an
expression which has the advantage of being alliterative as well as
absurd. There are but two sorts of polyglot, one consisting of many
tongues, the other-polly-glot-of parrot-chatter; and the latter
naturally occurred to the Globe, which winds up by saying that the
"Anglo-Saxon language" (whatever that may be) is bad enough
when debased by Yankeeisms, but a mixture of Bengal slang will
"render it utterly corrupt if not unintelligible." Corrupt possibly,
but never quite unintelligible while people can understand leaders
in the Globe.


TIN.


[JI&NUAKY 17, 1874.


CORRUPTING THE PRESS.
THE following story was told to me by Henry Barber, of Berry-
wood, State of Missouri, a local statesman whose important function
it was to secure talent for the party by various indirect means not
commonly alluded to except by the talent of the other side.
When Joel Bird (said he) was up for Governor, that Sam Henly
was editing the Berrywood Bugle'; and no sooner was the nomination
made by the State convention than he came out hot against the party.
He was a very able writer, was Sam, and the lies he invented about
our candidate were shocking This, however, we endured very well,
but presently Sam turned squarely about and began telling the truth.
This was a little too much; the County Committee held a hasty
meeting, and decided that it must be' stopped; so I was sent for to
make arrangements to that end. I knew something of Sam, had
purchased him several times, and I estimated his present value at
about one thousand dollars. This seemed to the Committee a reason-
iable figure, and on my mentioning it to Sam he said he thought
that about the fair thing; it should never be said the Borry wood Bugle
'was a hard paper to deal with." There was, however, some delay in
raising the money; the candidates for thelocal offices had not disposed
of their autumn hogs yet, and were in financial straits. Some of
them contributed a pig each, one gave twenty bushels of Indian corn,
another a flock of chickens, and the man who aspired to the distinction
of County Judge paid his assessment with a waggon. These things
had to be converted into cash at a ruinous sacrifice, and in the meantime
Sam kept pouring an incessant stream of hot shot into our political
camp. Nothing I could say would make him stay his hand; he
invariably replied that it was no bargain till he had got his money.
The Committee were furious; it required all my eloquence to prevent
them declaring the contract null and void; but at last a new, clean one
thousand-dollar note was passed over to me, which in hot haste I
transferred to Sam at his residence.
That evening there was a meeting of the Committee: all seemed in
high spirits' again, except Old Hooker, of Jayhawk. This old wretch
sat back and shook his head during the entire session, and just before
adjournment said, as he took his hat to go, P'r'aps 'twas orl right
and on the squar' ; maybe thar war'n't any shenannigan, but he war
dubersome-yes, he war dubersome." The old curmudgeon repeated
this until I was exasperated beyond restraint.
Mr. Hooker," said I, I've known this Sam Henly ever since he
was so high, and there isn't an honester man in old Missouri. I'll bet
you a steamboat against a last year's bird's nest, give the nest back if
I win it, and leave it to yourself, that he can't lie-that he don't know
how, and wouldn't if he did. Sam Henly's word-why it is worth its
weight in gold! What's more, if any gentleman thinks he would
enjoy a first-class funeral, and if he will supply the sable accessories,
I'll furnish the corpse. And he can take it home with him from this
meeting." At this point Mr. Hooker was troubled with leaving.
Having got this business off my conscience I slept late next day.
When I stepped into the street I saw at once something was up."
There were knots of people gathered at the corners, some reading
eagerly that morning's issue of the Bugle, some gesticulating, and
others stalking moodily about muttering curses not loud but deep.
Suddenly I heard an excited clamour-a confused roar of many lungs,
and the tramping of innumerable feet. In this Babel of noises I could
distinguish the words "Kill him! "1Wa'm his hide! etc; and
looking up the street I saw what seemed to be the whole male
population racing down it. I am very excitable, and though I did
not know whose hide was to be warmed, nor why anyone was to be
killed, I shot off in the van of the howling masses, shouting Kill
him and "Warm his hide !" as loudly as the loudest, all the time
looking out for the victim. Down the street we flew like a storm;
then I turned a corner, thinking the scoundrel must have gone up that
street; then bolted through a public square; over a bridge; under an
arch; finally back into the main street; yelling like a panther, and
fully resolved to slaughter the first human being I should overtake.
The crowd followed my lead, turning as I turned, shrieking as I
shrieked, and-all at once it came to me that I was the man whose
hide was to be warmed!
It is needless to dwell upon the sensation this discovery gave me ;
happily I was within a few yards of the Committee-room, and into
this I dashed, closing and bolting the door behind me and mounting
the stairs like a flash. The Committee were in solemn session, sitting
in a nice even row on the front benches, each man with his elbows on
his knees, and his chin resting in the palms of his hands-thinking.
At each man's feet lay a neglected copy of the Berrywood Bugle.
Every member fixed his eyes on me, but no one stirred, no one uttered
a sound. There was something awful in this preternatural stillness,
made more impressive by the hoarse murmur of the crowd outside,
breaking the door down. I could endure it no longer, but strode
forward and snatched up the paper lying at the feet of the Chairman.
At the head of the editorial columns, in letters half an inch long, were
the following amazing head-lines :
"Dastardly Outrage! Corruption Rampant in Our Midst! The








FUN.


Vampires Foiled! Henry Barber at his Old Game' The Rat
Gnaws a File! The Democratic Hordes Attempt to Ride Roughshod
Over a Free People Base Endeavour to Bribe the Editor of this
Paper with a Twenty-Dollar 'Note The Money Given to the Orphan
Asylum!"
I read no farther, but stood stookstill in the centre of the floor, and
fell into a reverie. Twenty dollars! Somehow it seemed a .mere
trifle. Nine hundred and eighty dollars! I did not know there was
so much money in the world. Twenty-no, eighty-one thousand
dollars. There were big black -figures floating all overthe floor. In-
cessant cataracts of them poured down the walls, stopped.and shied off
as I looked at them, and began to go it again when I lowered my
eyes. Occasionally the figures 20 would take shape somewhere about
the floor, and then the figures 980 would -elide up and overlay them.
Then, like the lean kine of Pharaoh's dream, they would all march
away and devour the fat naughts of the number 1,000. And dancing
like gnats in the air were myriads of little Caduceus-like visions,
thus-$. I could not at all make it out, but began to realise my posi-
tion directly Old Hooker, without .moving drom !his seat, began to
drown the noise of countless feet on the -stairs hy elevating his thin'
falsetto-
P'r'apq, Mr. Cheerman, it's orl on the squar'. We know Mu.
Henly can't tell a lie-no, not fo' a last year's bird's nest. tBut I'm
powerful dubersome that thar's a balyanpe 'dye to this yar Committee.
from the gent who hes the flo'-if he. int l.one gone laid it yout fo'
sable ac- ac- fo' fyirst-class fyunerals."
I' Mlt-at that mowaent,as if I would like tp:play the leading charac-
ter jiA a Dfrst-clA s f1aeral myself; ;J Silt A.hat every man in my
position ought-to have a nice comfortable coffin, with a silverdoor-
plate, ,-a -foot-waneri, and 'bay windows Ifr :iis ears. How do tyou
suppose you w.ogld:hbaedfelt ?


IDIOTSYNCR ATIC.
THERE was a man who was so fat
He couldn't sleep without his hat;
Then didn't take a Turkish bath,
But got thin, reading Aftermath ;"
He ne'er used butter on his bread
But placed it on his hair instead;
Which then, he fancied, hang in curls would,
And failing, came on here to Earlswood.


King's Lynn-ley.
IT has been well said, that there is no royal road to learning, and if
the truth of-this had -ever been proved before, the following notice
posted outside al institution at King's Lynn might be received as
evidence :-
-10s. "REWARD
Will be given An conviction of any person or persons (young or old) who are
caught sitting .about on the steps and doorways of the Athenseumn, or running or
yellingthroughkhe passages of the above building, which has been-practised of late
to the great annoyance of the tenants therein.
.Also boy and'others throwing stones on to the roof of the museum and music
,hall, whbch is continually the case, from the back roads, gterthe boys leave. the
-sc ools, will also receive the aboveReward.
*Wlms.i, Mies, .PropiqtQer.
fFeelipg unequal to the task of explaining -this, we submit it :in all
humility to Mr. Washington Moon, and, while waiting for the
,verdict, are content to express regret that ;there is yet a town.in
-England where sitting about by young or old is a crime, while break-
ing windows is consiIiered worthy of ten-shillings reward.


Out On Ye !
A 'age 3A-fedtlm WRY 'IS a weather prQphet like a night cabman.?-KBeal.ase :hAe is
A sinswjtn meteorologist .has reaariedl 'that, when "the London ".out" in all weathers.
lights" are. distinctly .isible from-thelhbllUs of Kent and Surrey, it is a
sure -ag--of age. A QGoMow COMPLAINT WITH ROTTBN Sme-Ss.~a' do loureux.


WEIGHT A BIT I
Stout Party :-" DISENGAGED, CABY ? "
Cabby :-" YES, SIR."
S. P. :-" ALL RIOHT (prepares to enter vehicle), DRIVE TO PAD- "
Cabby :-" JUST ONE MOMENT, SIR, ONYl' 'ARF A TWINKLING, I'LL RUN ROUND AND 'ANG ON
T'OTHER SIDE."


lEixphnaias Gratia.
Tais is from-thq Tablet :-
('Where and.4ymlbat.Government," asks this
paper, "has a4iatiaolic ,bishop, or priest, or
Igyspan suffered one jot pr tittle until he became
-a:politicianas.welLas a sectary? Have the Can-
tons meddled with priests or bishops until they
meddled or threatened to meddle with the Can-
ton Constitution ? Has any Catholic who pro-
mised to obey the law been oppressed ?" We
answer categorically and emphatically Yes" to
each question.
Will the Tablet kindly repeat the first
question with the emphatic answer Yes,'
and tell us whether it is decorous for a
religious paper to be playing at cross
questions and crooked answers ? "


Righteous overmuch.
WE read that recently-
A lady had several hundred dollars' worth of
point lace clipped off her clothing by an adroit
thief, while she was at church singing, Strip
me of the robe of pride; clothe me in humility.'
That lady was too good to be trusted with
point lace. Had she divided her attention
between her dress and her hymn-as most
of her sex would have done-instead of
concentrating it on the latter, she would
not have been robbed.. As it is, a good
many of the women in that church must
have seen the theft, unless there is a
church where the women don't take stock
of their neighbours' robes of humility.


Injudicious Investment.
PAYING a shilling to see a Penny-rama.

MOTTO FOR THE IST FEBRUARY.-" Cease
your Gunning."


JANUARY 17, 1874.]









28 F U N [JANUARY 17, 1874.


FOR BETTER OR WORSE.
Mrs. McCarthy :-" Goon Mon osg, MRS. MALONEY, AND HOW BE YOU F"
Mrs. Maloney :-" SURE, ME DARIuNT, AN I'M VERY ILL."
Mrs. McCarthy :-"-BEDAD THEN I HOPE YOU MAY KEEP SO, FOR FEAR 0' BEING WORSE."


"SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS,"
1M AImTHUr ARNOLD, unextinguished by the want of confidence
reposed in him by the electors of Huntingdon, has condescended to
step from his lofty pedestal with a view to the rearrangement of the
commission of the peace for the county of Hunts. Where a man
has determined to be a power in the country he is not to be stayed by
ordinary obstacles, and we may yet find Mr. Arnold not only editor of
the Hekker (Ad.), but Chancellor of the Exchequer and Lord High
Admiral of the Fleet. At present, however, he seems to be possessed
of a vagueness on the subject he has taken in hand not without prece-
dent in the same direction. Writing to Mr. Gladstone, he says-
I am informed by a gentleman of the highest respectability long resident in
Huntingdon, that, although the population of the county is nearly half Noncon-
formist (in some parishes, I am told, three-fourths are Nonconformist), yet there
is not one Nonconformist among more than fifty magistrates, of whom about half
are either non-resident, infirm, or inattentive to their duties. The father of the
present Mayor of Huntingdon, the late Mr. Potto Brown, was the only Noncon-
formist ever known to have been in the Commission. His son, a Nonconformist
of position and ability, has been passed over in favour of young men, of whom
one of the most recently appointed is a brewer.
We were not before aware that brewing was matter of religion,
or that by means of it a standard of mental ability could be tested.
Mr. Arnold reminds us of the man who, when asked if he was a Jew,
confounded his interlocutor by saying No, I'm a printer." For our-
selves, we would rather brew good beer than write ourselves down


asses; and, though a halfpenny loaf may be better than no bread, a
halfpenny argument is far worse than no advocacy whatever. The
great body of Nonconformists are not in such a hurry,.or so hard up
for an advocate, as to require Mr. Arthur Arnold's powerful inter-
cession.

A Little Mixed.
A CONTEsMPORARY thus records a case in the Sheriff's Court,'Red
Lion Square :-
This was an action in the Common Pleas by Mrs. Kate Humphrey against Mr.
Nicholas Vincent Wise for breach of promise of marriage.
All right so far! But how about this ?
Plaintiff, who had married another lady in June last, is assistant to a medical
man in Wiltshire, at a salary of 170 a year, and the defendant is the daughter of
a solicitor in Dublin.
How the Plaintiff, Mrs Kate Humphreys, could marry another lady in
June-or any other month-is only a little less unintelligible than
how the defendant, Mr Nicholas Vincent Wise, could be the daughter
of a solicitor But perhaps our contemporary knows.


Trite, but surely not True.
I THE favourite Quotation : Still they come."






F1 U N .-JANUARY 17, 1874.


OUR ALLIES AGAIN!
"YAH, YAH! WHITE MAN COME TO HELP US. GOLLY, WE HELP OURSELVES, YA'!"


*1








FUN.


STRAWS.
THE Hebrews, when they had no straws,
To make Egyptian bricks with,
Had for complaint an ample cause
That they were played sad tricks with.
And now and then we modern men
An equal grievance light on,
When called upon to ply the pen-
With nought on earth to write on!

An Editor who wants a col-
Please turn the tap of verse on; "
While on his chair he's pleased to loll
Is a despotic person,
Whom I should like to kick or strike,
Or set my dog to bite on;-
He wants a column, hungry tyke !
I've nought on earth to write on!

I call, his wicked hopes to scrunch,
My grievance by debating;-
They tell me that he's gone to lunch
And add-" the printer's waiting."
From inky rill I snatch his quill,
The paper scrawl with spite on,
" You may want copy, sir, but still
I've nought on earth to write on! "

But while I write it-here he is:
I wish he wasn't present.
I cannot bear his smiling phiz,
His manners bland gnd pleasant.
"Thanks, much," says he, full well I see
You're now Parnassus' height on! "
Confound his bearing frank and free-
I've nought on earth to write on!

Quoth he, the devil waits outside! "
Oh, how I wish he'd got him!
I wish I'd had the sense to hide,
The courage to garotte him.
Alas 'tis vain, I must remain
In this unhappy plight on,
Till I've a column off my brain,
With nought on earth to write on.


117'xM/


JANwARY 17, 1874.]


WHAtM A H1GW-DEAffI'
It was cruel of Miss Talbbys to go andistand exactly sdirl hemistletoe, Aheo
poor little .Dumpie couldn't possibl,kiss h& without gettingyrona chair.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. attendants- to see to the comfort of his patrons, and will not' allow the
extortions- usually practised at similar establishments." May the
TuE indefatigable managers of the Vaudeville have not allowed the Dutch never take Holland from us, unless he, like other managers we
Christmas season to pass over without producing a novelty, and, know, becomes too successful and forgets his early protestations. Till
depending upon themselves more than upon the lines they have to then may he'go on and cater.
deliver, have obtained from Mir. Reece a burlesque of Buy Blas, which Mr. J. A. Cave is o course to the fore at the Miarylebone with a
possesses most of the characteristics of its predecessors from the same pantomime, and he has studied the requirements of his audiences well
pen. Mr. Reece seems to object to the "comic press," possibly inthe production of The Mao in the Iesoon; or Harlequin aionderlas ed.
because people do read that and still live, while anyone may guess There is soe more title, but that will be sufficient for the frnotice.
of varied music, singing and dancing-would be; but his arguments merry manner so peculiarly his own, and, also of course, the house
about political caricature, arc ill-timed and weak when we remember fils nightly'with '-nIh *i, ; t who come very early an go away as late
ih elie -n edre.sed, and other of his melancholy lucubrations. Messrs. as-ever they Sthl. wh co r ain.
James and Thorne are of course clever and funny, but a little less y Ihastn'o' *rlm.
allusion to themselves as managers and a little more regard-to the
parts they play would be an advantage. Still, weakness in such
excellent caterers may be overlooked, more especially as they have FANTEE FANCY.
managed sufficiently well to secure the services of Miss Kate Bishop, ENaLisHNarn, with courage gassy,
who is an excellent Don Ctesar. Miss Rhodes does her best in the Want to hasten to Coomassie.
part of the Queen, and Messrs. Elliott and Fenton do full justice to Every nigger lad and lassie
the characters assigned them. oily the ad anl assye
Mr. Hollald, who flourishes on the knowledge that he ande the Ashantis sassy,
is the people's caterer, has taken the Surrey Theatre, where, though In a hulrry
there are neither shilling teas nor whitebait, he means to succeed if Don't much care to see oomassie .
possible. He has produced an excellent pantomime, written by a
gentleman well known to all transpontine playgoers, Mr. Frank
Green, and in it are a real live giant and several excellent actors and The Day's News.
actresses who are not only alive but lively. Those people-and we in- loRN broke at the usual hour to-day. The pieces il b
elude ourselves amongst them-who object to paying the tribute which OI broke at the usual hour to-day. The pieces ill
is levied more and more insolently every season at the majority of the shortly on view at the British Museum.
theatres will be glad to read the following edict which is printed on Night fell yesterday evening. It was promptly taken in charge,
all Mr. Holland's programmes:-" No fees to any Attendant. The and brought before the sitting magistrate at Bow Street for being
price of this programme is One Penny, and if more be charged or if drunk and disorderly.
money be taken by any attendant for showing visitors to their seats,
it will be a fraud, and treated as such by the proprietor, who pays all MOTTO eFO Ma. PasIMSOL.-Crusade to Crew's aid.


-
ty Cr''~ I'
-Th ''~*.' Ct'
tAa~~1, I .


5 \









FUN.


[JANUARY 17, 1874.


.92


AT THE BRIGHTON AQUARIUM.
Georgina :-" WHAT FUNNY FISH! WHAT ARE THEY, Gus?"
Gus :-" AW-CODLINGS. PANTOMIME SEASON, AW HOT CODLINGS, OF COURSE, AW!"


/ ~fl'
/
A N


-< ll5

H -- H


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES. Russians left off celebrating the vile climate, to which they owed their
victory. = Attack on the Duke of Cambridge. But the Royal George
THE Emperor of Germany is better. Still it is not in contemplation did not go down this time.George
to illuminate Paris. = Duke of Edinburgh at St. Petersburg. A _
warm reception but a cold climate. = Spanish affairs much the same
as usual. A coup d' itat now and then for a change. Otherwise "News for Naturalists."
disorder remains undisturbed. = British arms still prosperous in A HORSE may be stone blind and yet have a staring coat.
Ashantee. Koffee reduced to his own grounds. Mr. Butt tells The real Carriage Dog" is-the Retriever. Pointers and Setters
Glasgow he advocates Home Rule, that England and Scotland may be may be kept for a nominal sum ;-the best informed sportsmen give
relieved from the bore of Irish debates. But the absence of empty them-the wind.
Butts would do that with less trouble. Defeat of Napoleon in 1812 The periwinkle only comes out of its shell in case of emerge-ency.
was commemorated in St. Petersburg on the 6th. Almost time the The likeliest place for a snipe is-Leadenhall Markot.


THE CHURCH MILITANT.
FOR a reallyvaluable suggestion in the
way of slaughter commend us to a good
country clergyman who happens to have
given his mind to the matter. A few
days ago one of these wrote to Thle Times
to draw attention to the value of a
"thoroughly efficient rocket corps" on
the Gold Coast, to be used against the
poor heathens, whom we would fain
Christianise" and now we have another
who begs to inform The Times-
That experiments were made by the AdmiralIy
last July at his suggestion, on certain rocket-
driven floats, calculated to pass along the surface
of the water (not through it) at the rate of 80 to
100 miles an hour. These floats will strike a
ship precisely at the waterline, and on striking will
explode a charge powerful enough to sink any
ship but an ironclad. An apparatus costing not
more than 51. will, at the distance of half a mile,
destroy any ordinary ship.
Only think; a ship sunk and five hundred
men drowned for five pounds This is not
only gospel, but very cheap gospel too.

Florins or Half-Crowns?
THE .Daily Telegraph makes the curious
statement that were Colonel Tomline
called upon to decide the above question
for the community at large-
The honourable and gallant gentleman might
point out that the first thing to be done was to
double the whole silver currency by one-half.
It is rather hard of the Telegraph to be
putting off its own mistakes upon Colonel
Tomline. Although- Peterborough-court
may not see the impossibility of doubling
a thing by one-half, it is to be supposed,
in the absence of evidence to the contrary,
that the Member for Great Grimsby would
do so.

Artistic.
WE have reason to believe that several
of our leading painters are engaged on an
illustration of the Christmas Entertain-
ment at the Holborn Amphitheatre. '1 his
was advertised as A Grand Leviathan
Entertainment embracing the essence of
Comedy, Burlesque, Ballet, Pantomime
&c." It is hoped that the work will be
ready in time for this year's Academy.
It will be called Comprehensive
Embraces; or The Loves of the Whales."
The essence of ballet will be a study
of the nude."

Moralising on Matches.
WE clip the following solemnising
paragraph from a Brooklyn daily
paper.-
The last match in the box generally fails to
burn; so he who walks in the dark all his life,
and strikes for light only on his death-bed, is in
danger of awakening naught but a strong odour
of brimstone.
Well that would be a narrow escape. but
the conditions of the story show that the
smell of brimstone would involve no
burning.








FUN.


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
SIR,-For some time past it has been my intention to signalise this
winter by the compilation of a fund of useful and ornamental sporting
information, to be published in these columns for the benefit of you
and your readers; but though my intention remains the same my
power of immediately carrying it into execution seems to have, alas'!
departed. The good ship Intent has struck upon the rock Intem-
perance, and for the present I am struggling on the sands of
Impecuniosity. Happily these are what are known to mariners as
shifting sands, and so by the turn of the tide I mnay once more be
above low water. But let us belay and avast for an explanation.
Pipe all hands below the Colney Hatchway, and while we smoke the
bosun's pipe, and let the cannikin clink, clink, clink, I will dissemble.
That is, I mean, I will explain. But hush we ait observed.
To those of m'y readers who are puzzled by natical metaphor I
liitiably apologise, but as I am just now actively engaged in a new
tltelve-act, sporto-nautical, transpontine, and pr-iple'r materiall drama,
1 asm obliged to splice the mainbrae, -and gir.e v.rt to the true blue
liltgW and- knowledge of -,:-im.'ian-bp nith which I am at present
safiB~ilatgcd Yo heave yo 1-t g-. the p,unt;r (pots and all), put her
in stays, ole all buntlines, drop the nmainhhalyards, turn astarn, go
on ahead, ease her, and throw the -arin:deck dverbeard. Likewise
s li-m l -and-ye?' sugar and lemon,-if yoe please, And now having
eeswl dry mind I will g. t on with my narrative.
It- h d been my intention, most worthy bau impulsive and irascible
of dit.:.rs, t,, bive published some extremely h'umiorous turf statistics,
such-as the list- of winning owners ow the flat, as well as those whose
predilectioins are of- a sharper tVui-; the return of most successful
iooki'ee with th-ir weights andlages;- the catalogue-of horses in train-
irsi, with some remarks on that iniquitous invention, the short
handicap; th record of wiffingi sires, with-a few objurgationss)
throiw-in; a sle. .tion of odeVer fseeWhes m adb at the Jockey Club;
andxa ,f otbhr rarities ,libel to contheiact the dulliness which imme-
dilatelyv foll'.:- a t-.tire ?eason, Bhitalack and well:a-day, I reposed
,iid'en-.,: in the wing m-n, randala4 now ablighftedbeing. I feel as
it I h ,l sp','kea to the iun -t the wheel, or had- smoked abaft the
linnacle.-
Sir, if that old scoundrel, who was once employed by me in the
poetry and prophetic department, should call on you, bust his crust
for a landshark. Clap a stopper on his jawing tackle, and if necessary
give him into custody. The police will not hesitate to take him,
especially if you have any loose silver to use as a persuader. The old
villain I engaged him to get up the statistical information of which
I have spoken, while I got along with my drama, but though I waited
long for him to come in with the copy, I waited in vain. Often I
asked my landlady, but he cometh not," she said; and I felt aweary
and aweary, though I can't with truth say that I wished that I was
dead. No, I reserved that benefit for the old'un; but, as I daresay
you've heard, whom the gods love go first, and as I can't imagine
any one of them, even the most depraved, caring for him, his time is
yet to come. At last, when my patience was exhausted, I went round
to his lodgings, and then didn't get what I wanted. But I got some-
thing else though, and I got it from the lady of the house, who made
use of bad language-a habit I abhor-and said she believed we were
a couple of swindlers-think of that, Sir,-and that neither of us had
ever seen the inside of a newspaper office. She also threatened me,
and as I can't bear to argue with a woman I retired from the field
gracefully. Field is figurative, and means in this instance rents.
The place where the old man used to live is called rents because I
believe no one ever thinks of, paying for his lodgings there unless
compelled. Then he generally moves somewhere else. So far I have
heard no more ofithe old scoundrel.
PRIVATE.
My chief regret over this matter, Sir, after you have been con-
sidered, is that it affects my testimonial. You were perhaps not
aware that a few gentlemen, anxious to recognize the efforts I have
made in the cause of literature generally, and sporting literature in
particular, are about to present me with a testimonial. This is a
perfectly spontaneous offer on the part of my admirers, and you will
please understand that this is in no way a public affair, so I forward
you a couple of blank forms to fill up for any amount you or your
friends like to subscribe, and shall be glad of any notice you can give,
in a recommendatory and apparently unsolicited manner, of the
arrangement. A liberal commission allowed. But I am much afraid
the defect of that old cuss will materially interfere with my prospects,
as, you.see, if he had done his work well, I should have got the credit
of it, and my name and the testimonial would both have flourished
considerably. But remember, that a liberal commission is allowed on
all subscriptions, and that a friendly and quite-unasked-for notice will
much oblige, AUGSPUR.
P.S.-I reopen this to say that a policeman has just called on me
about the old wretch. Full particulars in my next.


A PEEP INTO THE FUTURE.
Ab babbles about ancient times,
Of perjury and other crimes,
With senile fury;
And people shake their heads and say,
He always acted in that way
Upon That Jury! '
He first began with questions weak,
But soon to hear himself so speak
He got a furor.
And in the papers daily looked
'o see if the reporters booked
The clever Juror.
But soon he took a tone Aore big,
Assumed the ermine and the wig,
And looking wiser
Than all the judges, who were there,
Put on a grvve judicial air
As their adviser.
The case was centuries ago,
But Time's revenge is sure, it; slow,
And now he chatters,
Like some old ape, about the -timte
When he was juror, trying crime-
And other matters.
The poor ol&1boy! Yet, someltw, he
To later.jurrs ought to be
A sort of tutor,
To teach tliem not to try to wrench
The judge's duity from the bench-
In short-ne autor !e


W 'r Little.
THIS appeared the other -dy in-a coatnporary :-
MM Tlfbff- VWA Tdlb Young Girl, between 144 abd 16- years of age, as
HELP in housework, in small gentleman's tnily. Instructions would be
given as to work.-Apply, before five p.m., to M. N., etc.
If the advertiser was in such "immediate" want, he should have
remembered that it would expedite matters if he had stated the exact
size of the "small gentleman," in whose family the girl was needed.

Time was that when the Brains were out," &c.
ARIS'S Birmingham Gazette places upon record its opinion that :-
The Ministry has never recovered from the fatal reverse which it experienced
last spring.
A novel way of springing" evidence against the Government.
Surely our contemporary must have obtained its information from a
chiel who was sprung."



SWe cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they aes accom-
panied by a stamnped and directed envelope; and we do ot hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
G. (Camberwell.)-We admit the [justice of your complaint-if it is a
complaint. If it isn't we admire the point of your joke-if it is a joke-
The fact is we can't decipher the letter anyhow.
BEGINER.-Thanks for the "poem." But you shouldn't send such
fragile things through the post. All the rhymes appear to have got broken
dff in transit, and the metre in some instances has been severely bruised.
G. W. ---As regards the cartoon," as you call it, all we can say is that
the joke is venerable, and the executionuunworthy even of Cal6raft.
QUERIST.-We cannot undertake to answer such ques tions for several
reasons-one of which is ignorance. You should apply to some paper,
which assumes to itself diluted omniscience enough to an swer all sorts of
queries. Still if you insist, we should guess, say, it was during the first
Crusade, that is to say in George the Third's reign.
Declined with Thanks:-A Casual; E. H. H., Dublin; B. G., Leeds;
K. W., Waterford; -MI., Essex-road; A Subscriber; W., Burton Crescent;
H.B., Armagh; Wild Oats; C. E. W., Mile-end; Harry and Horry; Bogle ;
W. E.; Owther, Gateshead; J. L., Liverpool; Come in; 0. C. F.: Vilikins;
D., Fleet-street; C. W., Bradford; A. J. R., Norwood ; S. C., Brompton;
Lex; W. R., Jarrow; Miss B., Sandown; Receipt Without Paper; B. W.;
G., Liverpool; W. D., Islington; Old Reader ; G. S. R.; F., Leeds; T.,
Manchester; Camberwell Cuss.
'Query by P. D.-Ne Sartor ?


JANUARY 17, 1874.]







FUN.


____ N


THE CHILD IS FATHER TO THE MAN.
Charlie:-" I SAY, MA! PAY ME THAT SHILLING YOU PROMISED ME!"
Mama :-" WAIT TILL I'VE FINISHED MY SHOPPING HERE-- "
Charlie :-" AH, BUT YOU WON'T HAVE ANY MONEY AT ALL LEFT THEN!"


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
JANUARY.
THERE is no lack of variety in Chambers's Tournal this month. The
veteran periodical winds up its volume with all the vigour of youth
and health.
A new novel by the author of John Halifax opens the New Year
auspiciously for Good Words. Canon Kingsley in "Nausicaa in Lon-
don" is as vigorous and outspoken as ever, and we have a poem by
Frederick Locker, so that altogether the number is an attractive
one.
In the St. Paul's we have a new novel by the author of "Abel
Drake's Wife," and contributions from Henry Holbeach, Austin
Dobson, and Mr. T. Trollope, besides an amusing paper from Mr.
Forbes.
The New Jhonthly is fairly readable but it would do well not to
wander into the regions of poetry, as its excursions in that direction
are not invariably happy.
In the Argosy we have a story by Johnny Ludlow, not altogether
up to his old mark, and a poem by Miss Rossetti, disfigured by the
want of ear for harmony which distinguishes the family. A story by
Mrs. Wood opens the number.


FOR BREAKFAST.




CHeOCOLkT


Good Things is to the full as entertaining as ever, but we are still
waiting for the promised story from the pen of the Editor, who writes
so delightfully for "the young of all ages," 'that we grudge his
absence from the magazine greatly.
Scribner's is very good this month. It is one of the most remark-
able shillingsworths going, because it is not only bountiful but good.
The engravings are admirable, the contributors are all strong, and
the whole is an example to the editors of this effete old country of what
a magazine might, could, would, or should be! Bret Harte con-
tributes a pastoral full of the power which has lain idle somewhat
since he came East.
In these go-ahead days it seems that an almanack that only helps
you on for a year is of little use; and accordingly we receive from
Mr. Tegg, of Pancras-lane, Cheapside, a Universal Almanack for All
Time, framed somewhat on the principle of'the abacus, with sliding
beads, which we fancy will have to be hung high where there are
little folks, lest small fingers should considerably mix up the dates.
Poor Richard's Golden Calendar, issuing from the office of the
Practical Magazine, is less ambitious, professing only to wind up the
nineteenth century for us. Once comprehended it is simple enough,
and anyhow is neat and ornamental.


MENIER.

FOR LUNCHEON.


Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, January 17, 1874


[JANUARY 17, 1874.


I







FUN.


JANUARY 24, 1874.]


THREE WISE MEN.
By ONE OF THEM.
THERE was a man who, feeling thin,
Went to a beershop for some gin;
The beershop man, in accents wild,
Cried, Don't keep gin, we draw it mild! "
The thin man, thereon, feeling pale,
Said Half a pint of four D ale."
And, when he'd drawn himself well o'er it,
Said, Got no change, you'll have to score it!"
Another man, with broken legs,
Went to a cheeseshop for some eggs.
No cheeseshops, as you all must know,
Keep eggs unless the stock is low.
Our man, then, leaning on his crutch,
Picked up some eggs and asked, How much?"
And being told a score a penny,
Said Twenty-five, or won't have any!"
Another, still, who'd got big feet,
Went rambling round a field of wheat.
Wheat being scarce, the farmer's son
Could hardly think such treatment fun.
But when he came to view the marks,
I see," said he, 'tis but his larks-
For now I come the size to measure,
He'd tread us all out in displeasure."

Down Charge !
A OENTLEMAN writes to one of the sporting papers
complaining of the inordinate amount of charging
indulged in by modern football players. We don't
know much about football, principally because our feet
have got in the way whenever we have tried it, and
prevented our getting between the goal posts; but, as
for charging, we can confidently assure the objector,
that there are mild and placid restaurateurs in the
West End neighborhoods, who could beat the best
eleven, that ever figured on Kennington Oval, into fits.
The correspondent can have a small dinner bill if he
likes, but he must discharge the items.

At Sea.
THE Engineer announces cork-jacketing for boilers."
Those ship-owners again! Before they supply the
crew, they give a life-preserver to their boilers. Where
is Mr. Plimsoll ?


A NOVEL.
ON a calm evening in the early part of the shooting season, a young
girl stood leaning carelessly against a donkey at the top of Hampstead
Heath, daintily but with considerable skill destroying a bun by
mastication's artful aid. The sun had been for some time behind the
hills, but the conscious West was still suffused with a faint ruddiness,
like the reflection from an army of boiled lobsters marching below the
horizon for a covert flank attack upon the stomach of London.
Slowly and silently the ruby legion held on its way. Not a word was
spoken; commands given by the general. were passed from mouth to
mouth, like a single bit of toffee amongst the seven children im-
mortalised by the poet, who was more than usually vapid and
meaningless this evening, if that were possible. And it was possible;
in no spirit of bravado, but with a firm reliance on the blanc mange he
had eaten for dinner, and which was even now shaping itself into
exquisite fancies in the laboratory of his genius, the poet had resolved
to reach a higher plane of puerility, or perish in the attempt, as the
tree-climbing frog of North America, baffled by the smooth bark of
the beech, falls exhausted into the spanning jaws of the serpent biding
his time below.
Having swallowed the frog the reptile turned to leave, and by a
sinuous course soon reached the highway. Here he stood up and
looked about him. There was no living thing in sight. To the right
hand and the left the dusty white road stretched away interminably
without a break in its dreary mathematical sameness. Beyond a belt
of pines on the opposite side rose a barren rounded hilltop, resembling
the bald crown of a gamekeeper thrust upward from behind a hedge
to afford a shining mark for the murderous poacher.
Grimly the poacher raised and sighted his gun, charged with a
double quantity of heavy slugs. There was a moment of silence-a


SONGS OF MY YOUTH.
Young Lady (purchasing some New Songs) :-" Come back to Erin,' The
Vagabond,' Home, Sweet Home.' "
Shopman :-" YES, Miss."
Young lady :-" Now, 'Spring! Spring!'"
Shopman :-" I'LL BE AS QUICK AS I CAN, MiSS, BUT I'VE THE RHEU-
MATICS IN MY KNEE, YOU SEE! "


silence so profound, so deathlike in its intensity, that a keen ear
might have heard the spanking of an infant in the distant village.
This infant had come, no one knew whence. The story went that
it had tramped into town one cold morning, with its boerceaunette
slung across its back and after being refused admittance by the hall
porter of the Tare and Ages had gone quietly to the door of the
manor house and lain down, having first written and pinned to itself
the following placard: This unfortunate child is the natural son of
a foreign prince who until he shall succeed to the throne of his
ancestors begs that the illustrious waif may be tenderly cared for. His
Royal Highness cannot say how long his own worthless father may
continue to disgrace the State, but hopes not long. At the end of
that time, his Royal Highness will appear to the child's astonished
benefactor, crusted as thickly with gems as a toad with warts."
These troublesome excrescences had given the poor creature much
pain. Everything that science had devised, and skill applied, had
been a mere waste of money; and now at the age of four hundred
years, with life just opening before him, with other toads revelling
about him in all the jump-up-and-come-down-hardness of their hearts,
he was compelled to drag himself nervelessly through existence, with
no more hope of happiness than a mangle has of marriage.
It was not a nice mangle: the keys were warped, the mainspring
was relaxed, the cogwheels would not have anything to do with one
another, and the pendulum would swing only one way. Altogether a
disreputable and ridiculous old mangle. But such as it was, it had
stood in that dim old attic, man and boy, for more than thirty years.
Its very infirmities, by exciting pity, had preserved it; not one of the
family would have laid an a-e on the root of that mangle for as much
gold as could be drawn by a team of the strongest saw-horses.
Of these rare and valuable animals we shall speak in our next
chapter.


VOL. XIX. D








FUTN.


[JANUARY 24, 1874.


FIUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 21, 1874.

A WEDDING MARCH.


va


Breathe through the loud guitar,
Touch the gay trombone's string,
Iet the cymbal's strains carol low afar-
Play upon anything!
Tootle the sounding drum,
Eatfle the hollow fife,
As we to the gallant wedding come,
Where the yongi Duke takes a wie.

WE have no wish whatever to enter into an argument as to the
fairness or unfairness of hanging, publicly or privately, those people
who have proved themselves unfit for further existence in this world.
We belong neither to the hang-at-any-odds party nor to that which
develops an intense affection and regard for a brutal murderer, more
especially if he be more brutal and interesting than usual. Nor are
we servile admirers of anything that is done by Mr. Lowe; on the
contrary, we have a general fancy for taking exception to him and his
work. But we cannot pass over the triple execution at Gloucester
Jail without remarking, with some feelings of satisfaction, that
while the present Home Secretary remains in office, we shall have
something like logic in the exercise of clemency. Hitherto we have
seen the most heinous ruffians, if possessed of respectable friends,
escape the extreme penalty of the law, while commoner offenders have
been consigned to Jack Ketch without compunction; and only recently
a petition, signed by nine thousand people, including a bishop and the
foreman of a grand jury, has been urged forward in the hope of
saving as brutal and dastardly a murderer as ever lived, solely on
account of his "respectability." Fortunately for the interests of
justice the attempt failed, and for once we have seen equality even on
the gal'ows, and have been spared the pain of knowing that interest
has snatched one from death while want of it has left two to perish.
Far be it from us to object to the due exercise of mercy-we value its
blessed quality too much, and our very value of it makes us object to
its undue exercise-but while it is still the function of juries to find
murderers guilty, and judges to condemn them to death, we must take
exception to the after interference of maudlin or interested ministers.
If hanging is wrong, let us dispense with it; but if it is right, let right
be exercised. And if the police should ever catch any more murderers
-well, in such improbable event, we will reopen the subject.


A Fair Offer.
WE can't conscientiously affirm that we condole much with the
writer of the following, for reasons which, as the poet says somewhere,
will be apparent to the meanest capacity:-
LOST, a MFF, at the Crystal Palace, on Monday last. TEN SKILLINGS
REWARD.-Apply at H-'s library, 57, H--road, N.
We are in duty bound to believe that the reward is offered to anyone
who will keep the lost muff from returning to the address given; but
if such is not the case, and the forlorn one has a fancy for this kind of
thing, we can give her choice of several splendid specimens we keep on
the premises for use as contributors when copy runs short-in fact she
can have two for ten shillings, and we'll engage to stand something.


X


36


E EN bid the oboe
blow,
Bid the loud
bagpipes
akirl ;
As 'we to the
merry wed-
ding go
Of the Duke
with the;
Tsar's fair
girl.
Please,. violin,
join in!
For oft -on the
stormy sea,
Did the crew in
the giddy
hornpipe.
spin,
While the,
Duke dis-
coursed on
thee.


I


CROSSINGS.
By A CROss MAN.
THE magistrates seem of late resolved to punish severely drivers
who knock down and run over people. They rule-on the ancient
legal maxim that Jack is as good as his master, and rather better "
-that the roadway belongs to the pedestrian as much as to the
vehicle, though the latter may not go on the footpath. If they
persevere in this laudable resolution they will deprive many a hard-
working van-driver of his only recreation; and will much incon-
venience those fond parents who send their children to play in the
road with a view of getting them killed off, or at least profitably
fractured. These two classes, however, must seek other amusements
and other methods, for the advantage of the general public. Still, as
it is not always easy to pull up a horse, going at a moderate pace
even, all of a sudden, we commend to the Bench instances in which
they should hold it not only allowable but laudable (and perhaps
rewardable from the poor box) to run over three classes of people.
1. The female who, when there is no horse or vehicle in sight, waits
on the edge of the pavement for five minutes to make up her mind,
and, having accomplished that small parcel, of course rushes into a
crowd of vehicles, which have by that time come up, and runs
squawking and flapping under the horses' noses, like a hen pursued by
a big dog.
2. The female, who gallops off the edge of the pavement as if she
were running for the Oaks, and then pulls up in the middle of the
road, and strolls along as if she were one of a walking funeral that
was a little before its time.
3. The knots of louts and hobbedehoys that congregate whenever
the asphalt is under repair (say, every other day), and stand for an
:hour in the middle of the road staring at two men and a glue-pot.
With this class we should be inclined 'to include the pensive peeler,
who watches the crowd placidly from the pavement.


WHAT'S HIS NAME.!
BY A LEADER-WRITER.
AI SE R, Caesar;
SCzar, or Tsar,
'How I wonder
t which you
are!
For I cannot
tell what I
To my readers
should sup-
ply!
e u[To pronounce
you's plain
enough
I i For a fellow up
to snuff-
Take a pinch of
brown rappee,
Give a sneeze-
and there you
be !]
There's one me-

cern-
Spell the word
each way in
turn.
Thus must ig-
norance often
Air. be
SHid by editorial
'We."

Declined with Thanks.
THE National Society for Woman's Suffrage wished to inflict a
deputation on Mr. Gladstone, but he politely declined. When one
who has borne the cackle of the House of Commons so long is afraid
of these old gals, we can understand what an awful infliction their
eloquence must be.

Dry.
A JEWELLER labelled some diamonds in his window as being "as
sparkling as the tears of a young widow." A customer looked in and
said he thought under those circumstances the water would not prove
enduring. The label is not there now.








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M A R I A G E








JANUAIY 24, 1874.]


FUN.


MRS. BROWN IN ST. PETERSBURG; OR, MARTHA
IN DREAMLAND.
AH! I should like to see Petersburg, as must be a wonderful place in
its way, for as Brown were a-tellin' me 'ow that King Peter come to
build it all on the ice with 'is own 'ands thro' 'avin' been 'prenticed
to a shipbuilder 'isselt. as in my opinion a man as 'd build a ship
would do anything; and. in course it did ought to be built like a ship
thro' bema' on the ice, for wotever is ice when you comes to think on
it but water aft- r all. partickler when there's a sudden thaw, and
not a place as I should fancy to live in myself and am sure I shouldn't
never know wot it was to 'axe a wink of sleep if I didn't 'ave my bed
made up in a lifeboat, as is no doubt the reason as Queen Wictorier
didn't go, 'cos, in course, all -er Royal Fam'ly would 'oiler out, Ma,
dear, you didn't ought to, for fear of cold," the' no doubt that their
youngest royal young lady would like to 'ave seen the grand dein's,
'partikler now as she've been confirmed, as AMrs. McGollopin were a-
turnin' up 'er nose.at a sayin' as the Archbishop were the Scotch way
itselff, and didn't believe in all sich goin's on. I says, "You let 'im
alone he's Scotch sure enuf, and that's why he knows 'is place too
well not to confirm anything as Queen Wictorier told 'im too, as is the
'End of the Church herself. Not in course as all the Royal Fam'ly could
'ave went, 'cos if the ice 'ad broke and they'd all 'ave gone in we
shouldn't 'ave 'ad no sov'rins left but the Lord Mare as is King of the
Citv.
Not but wet I think they might 'ave asked their Scotch rela-
tions, 'cos in course they'd 'ave 'ad free passes there and back the
same as Brown gets for me and 'im, not but wot you always spends
money if you leaves your 'ome, the same as me a-goin' to see Lisa,
for wet with one new gownd and turning' my coburg, it run into
money, and if they was to ask me this werry day if rId make one of
the Royal Fam'lyhowser there, I should 'ave to think twice afore I said yes,
'cos tho' my welwet rape is wadded thro', and a swansdown tippet as
belonged to Lady Wittles, as she wore when Queen Wictorier went
to the City, yet I aint got no stock of furs, the' warm underclothin' as
is fleecy 'osery; but not like wearing' of a hareskin next you. I could
not get that royal wedding' out of my 'ead, leastways were a thinking'
on it over when Miss Pilkinton come in and said as 'er Aunt Wandle
were not expected to get over it, as were a cold took on bronchitess
as 'ad struck to the liver. "Well," I says, "that's bad, but she
didn't ought to die at sixty-four if 'er strength is kep' up;" so I
says, '- I'll come and see 'or." And so I did, but law bless you she
were a-sinkin' for want, as 'ad been drenched like a 'orse, and kep'
down on gruel and toast and water, with a lookwarm cup of tea as she
were a-sippin' when I went in with no more pulse in 'er than the
bed-post! So I says, "This won't never do," and the fust thing as I
give 'er were a teaspoonful in 'er tea, as I always carries it in my
redicule, ever since that time as I turned faint on a doorstep in church
time, with all the publics shet, as isn't wet I calls actin' like Christians,
when brandy 'ave been know'd to save life afore now, as it did that
Mrs. Wandle, as 'ave 'been down in 'er parlour twice this werry week.
But I never left 'or a1 that night, and I'm sure talk about me a-
dreamin' as, Brown says, is all through my suppers, why all I 'ad were
a bit of toast in ale, as I like with nutmeg and sugar and the least
drop of sperrit as I took late jest afore Miss Pilkinton went to lay
down, thro' 'avin' been -up all night for pretty nigh a week, as were
exhorsted natur' as the sayin' is. We certingly 'ad been a-talkin'
over this 'ere marriage, for poor Mrs. Wandle she slep' a good deal as
'ad 'ad a.egg beat up with two teaspoons in it and a bit of dry toast.
So I set by the fire a-unpickin' my black silk to keep me awake, a-
thinkin' of all manner, when who should I see but that Dook of
Edinburrer and 'is Rooshin bride arm in arm a-standin' afore me, jest
like the fottygrafts in the shop winders. I were a-goin' to jump up
and offer 'em a chair, in course, but he says, "Keep your seat, Mrs.
Brown, as 'ave brought my bride to see you fust, afore anybody else."
I say s, "Escuse me, but I see by the papers as you was to go fust
to Winsor for to percent 'er to your royal ma, and tho' proud to see
'or yet do 'ope as it won't 'urt Queen Wictorier's feeling's me a-seein'
of 'er fust, 'cos," I says, "she's been a fust-rate mother to you, and
I wouldn't stand in her way for the world." That you wouldn't,"
says a sweet woice in my ear, and there stood Queen Wictorier. close
at my elber. I were a-goin' to jump up, when she lays 'er royal'and
on my arm, and says, "Don't stir, Mrs. Brown, I only wants your
opinion over this black silk of mine, do you think as it would turn?"
"Why," I says, "that depends on the make, and if it was mine I'd
rather 'ave it re-dipped, as would look like new;" 'cos I could
see with 'arf a eye as it 'ad been turned already, and were looking'
a little rusty; the' not cut thro' nowhere, as is the best of buy-
in' a good one at fust; not but wet black silks is a lottery in my
opinion. So says a party, Why-you're never a-goin' to wear black at
my dorter's weddin ?" and if there was'nt that Umpire of Roosher a
standing' before me. I says, "I aint a-goin' to your dorter's weddin' no
more than Queen Wictorier, 'cos I was'nt never asked." He looked
werry glary and wild, and says," Come as a bride, or don't come at all."


I says, Me come aa bride, as might be married to somebodv afore
I knowed where I was; as in course them bishops would'nt know as I
weren't a princess, and all as they said would be all Greek to me ?" Ho
didn't say no more, and there I was a-standin' in short sleeves and a
low dress, with a wail over my 'ead. I says, I will not never give
in to no such going's on. I tell you I'm a married ooman." I says,
" Wherever is Queen Wictorier F" and says a old feller in a beard, with
a turbin on his 'ead, I'm the bishop as is to give you my blessin, the'
I can't marry you." I says, "You marry me, you old willing, why
you've got a wife, no doubt," "No," he says, not such a fool. We
lets the inferior clergy marry but don't want to be bothered with no
wives ourselves." I says, You're a nice example, you are, a-speakin'
like that about wives afore a young man as is jest a-goin' to take 'er,
the' she is a Rooshin, for better or wuss, as the saying' is; and in course
thinks as matrimony is ae1 happinesss thro' knowing' nothing about it."
He gives me a frown to 'old my tung, but I says, "It's lucky as
Queen Wicterier aint 'ere, as I'm come for 'er myself, thro' her a-sayin'
to mp, 'Do go, that's a dear soul, for I'm sure I should ketch my
death, besides not a-carin' about them Rooshins in my art of 'arts;' cos,"
I says, "if she 'ad ceme she'd sooner 'ave stopped the match altogether
than 'avke that to 'er son over it; as makes all 'er bishops
marry, and some on 'em over and over agin, as is 'ow we've come to
'ave such a 'Stablished Church." I heardd a groan, and turns my 'ead,
and there wOre Queen Wictorier a-la in' on the bed, with 'er bonnet
and things on. I says, Law, your Grashus Majesty, a nice moss your
new bonnet will be in." She only give a sigh, and says, It's on my
chea?' I says, "No, your bonnet's on your 'ead fast enuf, with them
powers in it, and your mantle trimmedwith white fur and black spots,
jest ioe your last fottygraft; but," I says, "your royal breathnn' is
a good deal easier, and now, as we are in Roosher, suppose you was to
Ftrya tater plaster on your royal chest, as it's where it comes from,
jest Elke that other plaster, as comes from Paris." She says, I don't
know as your aware on it, but," she says, you'rer a setLin' on my feet."
I says, Bless your royal ankle bones; am I ?" but before I could
move she got off, and tried for to fling out, as the saying' is, and on to
the floor I should 'ave gone, as I don't consider be'ivinroyal to any-
one who is a-nussin' you, but I ketched 'old of the bedpost. She says,
"Don't shake it, Mirs. Brown, or it '11 all be down." "Ah," I says,
"that's why I 'ates these nasty old four-posters; like iMrs. Padwick's,
as is obliged to be took down every summer, and hot softsoap and tur-
pentine won't eradicate if once in 'am." "Ah," she says, "that'swhy
1 likes iron." "Ah," I says, "so do I, 'specially in fear of fire, as
everyone must be in fear of their lives the' in this here Roosher; not
as I finds i cold, but then if they goes and sets it afire, like they did
old Boney at Mosker, why I'd as soon be froze to death as burnt in
my bed." "Yes," says she, "I'm a-stiflin with the smoke and smells
burning."
I says then, I says, "It's jest wet I were a-sayin', them
Rooshins 'ave been and 'ticed you and your Royal Family over 'ere to
burn you out like Bonypart, as always was a treacherous old willing,
and got 'is deserts in that there uninhabited island as he died on, as is
the fit place for sauc, as I don't consider a Hemperor any more than
Oliver Crummell; but," I says, "are you sure that none of your
royal young ones aiit a-readin' in bed, for I believe as flames is bustin'
out P" So I says, "Get up, and let's put wet towels over our mouths,
and crawl to the door all-fours, with blankets over our backs." I
says, "I hear 'emr coming to massacre us. Oh! wet ever will Brown
say to me a-coming to Petersburg without his knowledge? Andthink
of the row over in Ingland a-'earin of your royal untimely end, but
I won't die without a struggle." So I ketches hold on 'er, and give
'er such a pull as out of bed she come a-rollin' on the floor, jest as the
door were bust in, and there I was on the floor, with poor Mrs.
Handle arf out of bed, and all the other lodgers in the room, thro'
alarm of fire, as was the towels as I'd put to air on the 'orse before the
fire, as 'ad been a-singein' ever so long afore they bust into a flame;
but howeverr I come to be a-settin on Mrs. Wandle's bed, I can't think,
the' she says, I come and flopped myself on to it so as to wake 'er up,
and kep' a-sayin' as we was in Petersburg, as I'm sure was the last of
my thoughts, as the saying' is.

Double Knotting 'em.
Mu BsRNAn OSBOrin, in the capital speech which he made on the
occasion of his daughter's marriage to the Duke of St. Albans, said he
considered the noble bridegroom already half an Irishman as having
married an Irish lady. A Nottingham paper, perhaps out of regard
for its late representative, has gone even further, and by marrying his
Grace in two places at once, d la Boyle Roche, has completed his
nationality:
In Dublin, the Duke of St. Albans, was married on Saturday to Miss Grace
Osborne, second daughter of Mr. Bernal Osborne, 1. P., at Killalow Church,
County Clonmel.
Irish, like Scotch marriages are peculiar, but this is a sort of singular
bigamy.


41










PREPARAT


FUONS FOR THE MARRIAGE AT ST. PETERSBURG.N.


IONS FOR TIE MARRIAGE AT ST. PETERSBURG.


THE STAFF TOLD OFF TO RECEIVE ILLUSTRIOUS VISITORS.


THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGERS THEMSELVES- FIRST ARRIVALS.


GRAND PAs DE CUISINE IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL.

OURr SHORT AN D NOTES.a efficiently kept up.= Tremendous squabbles in the French Assembly,
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES. Resignation of Ministry. But they didn't feel resigned. = Good news
LATEST Fashionable Intelligence. An eruption of Vesuvius is from Ashantee. Koffee bolts from the mill. = Mr. Crookes, F.R.S.,
expected shortly. = The price of coals is going down. Due to the describes a number of spiritual manifestations We think he must
mildness of the weather, not of the dealers. = French Admiralty see Crookedly. = English eleven getting licked in Australia. Must
condemns lochearn for the loss of Ville du Havre. English Court puts bear it with a good Grace.
it the other way. Who shall decide when what-d'ye-call-'ems disagree _
= Great mystery about the coming Budget. Mr. Gladstone keeps
Mum. = Carthagena is deleted. At least it has surrendered. = Please Cop(per)y.
Taunton Inquiry. Taunton is too near Bridgewater apparently. = A FRENCH physician states that salts of copper are a certain cure
Country parson, mobbed by parish roughs for refusing to bury a corpse, for cholera, and remarks that copper-workers have an immunity from
drew a revolver on them. Would he have refused to bury any corpse that disease. This is good news for the penny-a-liners.
he therewith provided P = Chelsea electors on Wednesdaylast addressed
by Sirs Dilke and Hoare. There was a pigeon show at the Crystal
Palace also the same day. = The supply of railway accidents is RooM FOR IMPROVEMENT.-The Prison Cell.


[JANUARY 24, 1874.








JAWUARY 24, 1874.] FUN 43

CHATS ON THE MAGS. g rtars to onsarnM ots.
JA1R.. i[We cannot return unaccepted MMS. or Sketches, umness they are accomn-
Mn. FoarnBs .ROERrTSON is conducting Art with energy and panisd by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
judgment. The present number contains a heliotype of a reci:ntivy reponsilefor loss.]
discovered Titian that will be of great interest to art-lovers. The E. (Shepherdess-walk.)-You must have borrowed her crook'tb Write
other subjects are well chosen and excellently reproduced, while the with, for your note iit'-gible.
letter-press abounds in matter that must command attention in art J. S. M. (George-street.)=-We know nothing about it, never havingg
circles, heard of it before. Why'* B t ask the reciter himself ?
The Atlantic Menthiy wirtains some capital reading this 'nonth, XII,''A.--NXot an iota.
which is scarcely suprising, taking into account the distinguished t wr 'There 'a I 4i-ravct between a. misprint and a wrofg nm-
pnibr i -1u. rem-: oier.
names in its listof contributions. F (i-alworth ,1-The 'It you Sand are scarcely delicate. The defiai-
The New Quarterly fully -maintains the standard it set up in its otiot of a line i 4'leeit'without 1t'eadth."
unpreeedentedly good flrst'mmber. JA=O SmaAT.-We ha'Ve other fthh to fry.
The .tiror .in its new form is quite as bountifil and amusing as -. (Belsizeiusrk.)-We 4aforttt telf cannot find the sketch.
ever, though in .one or two cases the illustrations are scarcely p to its Jo BRowN '(St. JaS'rt.-I u will send your nmid&l, &
mart. Of the literary contents, the ;gem is Mr. Sala's "My meo re inte ab,"we coudiew
Laurels." ;S. : otteah .)3a obliged.
Racmnvr :-The Toauy Ladie Journal, leiswme Tour, -Sunday W P. '( ta=.) flit yoriwt.
Home, alden Hours, Cook's Excursionist, Westminstir P. apers, Colbu&n's GArTEStHnai-T' B tfor the' A tm t.
New Monthhl, Le Yallet, Gardener'? Magazine, .Food Journal, -Young Deolebe with '!t' rks :--R. W., -Liverpool; Scribbler; S. L. 41.; ..
Folks' Budget. oh ,teSt 'T. '.W W'Stminstert; constant Reader; Wallaby; Hela'gsbeo ;
E. 0., Fdlih&rm; *Wtal Waiet, E., Arundel-street; J., Halifas, W-.
Ele a P.; Jack,Sobne ijbts K., Croyt ; S. I. R. B. ; F. H., Liverpodt '. %',
"n palo e i Th Islingtbn; Bdvhenemouth;fim Baggs; F., Harrogate; A. A.36.-; bbA
PvEAsB peak louder said the Lord,'hid .&df-ice on theTast.day CarieRvots; easurt R. 0.C.; G. S., Islington; Pen-ist; B., Cat"bdi" -
of Mr. Kenealy's speech. "I'am trying to do .o,- ssy lord," 'was the road- :;. 'T. '.; .. 'Greenwich; Old To'Oied' Subscriber T ft VI
reply; "but I have been speaking twenty-one days?' "Quite true," iast; ar."'wFl-Wis D., Manchester; L., Biraikgham; Pumriea 1,
said A Juror; "three weeks don't -mke one strong." Le.mingtonB'. ., tindsor.


JDoUBLE ACROSMIC, No. 364.
TesER1 3 w ai...omhag iOse
A-n Amid the north,-rn otoa*t
But soon it will be lost
5W T:To that fair land of frost.
'Caught in love's tAother.
1. A cotri dal, Who Wore the stripes,
And used to fill my uncle's pipes.
S'2. He wrote the tale of Colonel Quagg"
And his proceeding;
Our interest can never flag
Sn .-, OHis works in reading.
8,Arch was the maid who strove to fetter
Young Cupid's heart,
But he-comparatively better-
Taught hers to smart.
4. It is a drink,
Whereat, I think,
Good Templars wink.
815. "She only said my life is dreary,' "
And suffered from this feeling weary.
6. Bring her to the scratch,
If you wish a match.
7. To guard the ffit-buds frbm a future frost
Over the trees this cover should be tost.
8. At the French play
See Didier and Schey,
And that each is this, you will surely say.
SOLUTON OF DOUBLE AcuosTIec, No. 354:-Kofee Beateu:
-Kabob, Obeisance, Flea, Fglt, Empire, Execution.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTr c No. 854, received 14th
January :-Ozone; ALfti; Charley and Ti; X. Q.; S. 0. Y.;
Pseudo-Shinx; Peggotty; Arthur; Rlow; Ruby's Ghost; Rie-
Rae; Leibig's Pupil; Bries; Gosherton Partridges; Pipekop;
Suffolk Dumpling; Daft; Leibig Family; Pipekop's Pupils;
Nolo ; Bold Marxo; Slodger and Tiney. ..
An Intimate Acquaintance with Foreign Potentates.
2rs. Jones:-" Loi, BILL! I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF THAT SHAH THAT Hurrah I
WAS OVER HERE HADN'T SOMuETHrING TO DO WITE IT. SHAn or RUssIA
WASN'T ITr IT is said the women are the best carriers on the Gold
Mir. I. :-" No, No, CZAR OF russIa, AND IT's PERSIA YOU MEAN-NOT Coast. rThey are described as "keeping up with the line
ssI. WELL THEN CZAR P and a baby on her hip." The hips appear to be more
rS. J.- WELL THEN oZAR OF ERSIA, IT'S ALL THE SAME- DON'T valuable than the Houssas.
UNDERSTAND THESE NEW-FANGLED NAMES."








FU N.


[JANUAnY 24, 1874.


A POSER.
Minnie (Inquisitive Child) :-" MAMMA, YOU TOLD ME THAT LADIES SHOULD ALWAYS BE FIRST, DIDN'T YOU ?"
Mamma:-" YES, MY DARLING, CERTAINLY."
MAinnie:-" THEN, IF YOU PLEASE, WHY WASN'T 1 BORN BEFORE WILLIE ? "


CRITICISM.
WE have been lost for some weeks in profound admiration of a
musical criticism which appeared in a Cheshire paper. We publish a
few extracts from it in order that our tame London critics may take a
1'esson in their art:-
The audience, to judge by the colour of the hair, was about half Teutonic, half
Cymrian. There was a great preponderance of low shoulders and long necks,
which characteristics -are common to the Cymri (regarded as distinct from the
South Wales Celts) and the Anglo-Danish element, which is very prevalent in
Chester. Most of the ladies were apparently middle Anglians or Mercians, of the
tvp3 still surviving in Schleswick-Holstien. At an oratorio in the south-west of
Eagland (say Exeter) the Romano-Celtic physiognomy would be as conspicuous as
the Anglian in Chester. The soprano was robed[in red, the precise shade of which
we were too achromatopsical to discern ... It is true, the trebles were at times a
little shnrp [in the South of England the tendency is to be flat], but taking the
oratorio in general, they were in excellent tune.
The critic,"refrains (as is indeed most consistent with sacred occasions,
i.e., oratorios) from mentioning the names of solo/vocalists "-though
why he admits the word vocalist" and a little further on rejects
the word artiste as inadmissable in connection with sacred music," we
don't quite see. But then' he also says delivery." because perform-
ance is too common-place." Did he never hear of a jail-delivery ?
At the same time he is not above describing the execution of some


passages in a chorus as reminding the listener of the sound of wind
through a small opening "-keyhole, we suppose was inadmissable."
If we may venture to criticise the critic, we should pronounce this
article as one of the most remarkable performances -we beg pardon,
deliveries-of modern times.

Smile.
HENRY WARD BEECHER is credited with this touching passage:-
As ships meet at sea, a moment together, when words of greeting must be
spoken, and then away into the deep, so men meet in this world; and I think we
should cross no man's path without hailing him, and, if he needs, giving him
supplies.
Here his readers are expected to drop a tear, and sing out "Beecher,
ahoy come and liquor!"

Politeness.
A SCIENTIFIC journal announces that:-
Monsieur Th. Sutton finds bromide of silver to be exceedingly sensitive to light.
Then we trust with the politeness of his nation he will not hurt its
feelings, but keep it dark !


FOR BREAKFAST.





ClOCeOfT MEEIER.
FOR LUNCHEON.
P, mled y JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Anrew's Hill ,Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, January 24, 1874.


4Tik.








JANUARY 31, 1874.]


FUN.


ENGLISH SOCIETY UNDER RUSSIAN INFLUENCE.


Russian Giants become popular, and Muscovite Swelldom has a new sensation in Drivers. Crimean Heroes (English and Russian) fight
Dwarfs a nuisance, their Battles o'er again.


The British Grenadier next Winter.


The Next Cattle Show. A Russian Attachk discovers a chandler's shop.


The Influence on Fashion.


A Public Appeal. ferring the public-house, and now need a friend with a bottle to give
THIS is a young man who, according to Macaulay's theory of the us' and ask: Will some benevolent lady or gentleman introduce us
value of a good wholesome self-opinion, ought to get on in the world, to a publican ? We've worn out most of them about here. One with
But the world knows nothing of its greatest men, an original idea a little faith and a large piece of chalk preferred.
which might be worked into a novel by the concoctor of the fol-
lowing:- A Suggestion for Political Reconciliation.
T HE advertiser, a mechanic, preferring home amusements to the public-house, IIr r. Gladstone were to go up in a balloon, would he not probably
l has, during his leisure burs, written two or three novel,, and now needs a Ir Mr. Gladstone were to go up in a balloon, would he not probably
friend, and asks: Will some benevolent lady or gentleman, who takes an interest become Dizzy ? If Mr. Disrael were to go up and stay up, might he
in the working man,read the MS., and, if found quite worthy, INTRODUCE him not act in accord with the People's Will" ?
to a PUBLISHER? Address -.
If those hours which are employed in the construction of two or three
novels can be classed under the head of leisure, what term will be re- The Secret of Poland's Misfortunes.
quired to express the time wasted in reading them ? We're afraid it WHY cannot the Poles get on where they are?-Because they
doesn't occur in our vocabulary. Seriously, though, we admit to pre- ought to be distributed North and South.

VOL. XIX. E









FUINT.


[JANUARY 31, 1874.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 28, 1874.

OFFICERS' GRIEVANCES.
I'LL sing to you a novel song about the grievance great
Of officers and gentlemen who much complain of late
On selling their commissions at the regimental rate.
These officers and gentlemen, who wanted profit prime.
And so because the Royal Duke who holds command in chief
Is not at all responsible for that which brings them grief,
To punch his head they think would give their feelings some relief.
These officers and gentlemen, who've not sold out in time.

IT is to be hoped that Parliament on re-assembling will take steps to
pass a statute which shall define the limits of "Contempt of Court."
At present the judges seem, to be bitten with a desire to commit
everybody for the offence, from an irresponsible gasman up to an
almost equally irresponsible 1M.P. And, after all, those who are
committed for contempt of court, do not feel it half as much as those
who nurse the feeling in silence. It would, we think, be difficult to
find a time when our so-called courts of justice have incurred-and
merited-the general contempt which is now felt. Of a notorious
case, now happily drawing to a close, it may be said Nceminem tetiqit
quna nn deornarit; but even in such matters as election inquiries
the Bench is made ridiculous nowadays, when a justice pretends not
to know what half and half" is, to be ignorant of the meaning of a
"quid," and to share with a learned Serjeant a complete innocence as
to the nature of "sugar." The words may be slang, we admit ; but
slang is the mother-tongue of the majority of those with whom justice
has to deal, and a judge who is ignorant of their language is no better
off than the missionary to Feejee whose, linguistic accomplishments
are limited to pure Cockneyese.

As Dr. Lyon Playfair seems anxious to bring the Post Office to a
high state of perfection, we venture to suggest to him that. the
Returned Letter Department is not altogether unworthy of his
attention. We received notice the other day of, the detention of a
book-packet, containing a periodical which has for eight or ten months
been posted and delivered for the sum which now for the first time was
declared insufficient. Beyond the amount demanded for insufficient
postage, the office claimed as "additional rate," a duplicate fee for a
parcel w ich halid net been delivered!. We made personal application at
the office to try and solve the mystery, and were received with the
usual courtesy of Civil Service clerks, who have plenty of time to
bestow on conversation among themselves, but none to throw away on
their employers- the public. Eventually we obtained from a gentle-
man who could not have beon a civil servant, to judge from his
pleasant politeness, all the information uve expected- which amounted
to nil; but in the meantime we had an opportunity of observing how
the public generally, and foreigners especially, were enlightened on
mysterious points connected with the service. In oar opinion-and
we hope in that of Dr. Playfair-the General Post Office is intended
for the convenience and comfort of the public, not for purposes of
extortion or mystification; and therefore the sooner the Returned
Letter Department is reformed the better. Meantime the new chief
might gently hint to his supercilious subs that it would be well for
them not to be superabundantly contemptuous towards those to whom
they owe their bread and cheese.

Author 1
THE ingenious gentleman who does the short leaders for the Globe,
speaking of what he is pleased to call the "insoluble problems of
literature, remarks that-
The authors of "Junius" and "The Man in the Iron Mask" still seepstheir
identity secret, notwithstanding the many valiant efforts at discovery.
Will he kindly increase our obligations to him by explaining what he
means by the author of The wcan in the eIron ask ?" when the work
was published and where it is now procurable ? We have hitherto
been labouring under the error that the man with the iron mask was
a human being and not a book.

Quite the Opposite.
A nPHILOSOPHIC writer profoundly remarks:-
A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a man. Kites rise against the
wind and not with the wind. Even a head wind is better than none.
These observations strike us as a trifle flatulent. According to the old
proverb "Two head winds should be better even than one; and as
regards the kite, it as often raises the wind as rises against it, and it
always falls due when it's not convenient.


THE PUBLIC BABY.
THE Public Baby is on every railway car, every steamboat, every
omnibus. Change if you will to be released from the P.B., and
you find its duplicate in the next vehicle on land or water. Release
yourself at the. journey's end from the infliction-get a room at na
hotel, the public baby will occupy the next apartment. Go at night
to the theatre, the public baby is in the next seat.
The mission of the public baby on coming into the world is to
howl, to whine, to cry, to make miserable, to create irritation and
annoyance.
The parents of the public baby deem all this howling a harmonious
concord of sound. They would not have a single note wasted. This
is the reason why they manage that it shall always operate on the
general tympanum in public. This is why it is taken to the theatre,
to tear into the finest orchestral strains, to insert a screech on the
culmination of pathos in the dying scene. Once I saw a manager
order the public baby out of his theatre. It was a bold act. The
parents were displeased ; one thousand five hundred other people
rejoiced.
The father of the public baby wears a black coat, creased by long
folding in the trunk, a paper collar several days' old, a green necktie,
a gaudy figured vest, and pantaloons of the same colour, in striking
contrast to the rest of his garments. In respect to colour, he is
dressed in compartments. lie smokes a short pipe; his tobacco is an
abomination to the olfactories; he puts his ticket in the least known
and explored recesses of his garments so as to involve a long seat ch
for it every time the guard comes round. At home he keeps hid in
the back yard a howling, barking pup- a pup which crowds the debit
column of the Recording Angel's ledger with the neighbours' curses.
When this pup grows out of the shows out of the howling and barking stage, he sells
him and gets another young enough to howl.. 'Tis not the- pup he
wants, it's the howl. He nourishes the publicly public baby partly on that howl.
The mother of the public baby wears a black bonnet more or less
faded. It has long been hung up where a great deal. of. smoke and
dust were in active circulation. Her hair is slung- round in reckless
coils. There is a wash-day air about it. Her hoops are too large.
She has a second-hand look, and bears many traces of amalgamation
with the public baby.
She married principally because she had an opportunity: because
the man came along: because it is a part of life to marry. The union
has resulted in one, perhaps several, public babies; Society shudders,
without exactly knowing why, as each one makes- its appearance.
She, however, would regard without alarm the possibility of producing
hundreds of public babies. Should you hint to her that l Malthus
didn't approve of such a flow of infants from a single source, she
would intimate that Malthus could mind his own business.
In disposition, the public baby is uglier than a convention of
rattlesnakes ; more venomous than a caucus of cobras; more malig-
nant than a select circle of scorpions. It does not wish to be
soothed or pacified. It is more enraged than ever on waking up to
find that it has been soothed and trotted into a brief slumber. It
feels that it has been wronged, deceived, cheated and has lost time.
It is soon revenged on its fellow passengers, who in time commence
thinking that Herod may have had provocation for his slaughter of
the Innocents.
I studied the public baby the other day on the Scotch Express.
On first starting I felt a sense of something missing. The cause was
soon explained. At the first stoppage the public baby came in the
next compartment. I had forgotten that this fiend never missed a
trip or paid a farthing.
At first, the public baby cried and howled on general principles. It
had not as yet discovered any special cause of grievance, it cried
because it had not. Its little hands were sticky; its little face was
sticky; it rubbed it little sticky face with its little sticky hands so
that the stickiness of its face fused and melted into the stickiness of
its hands. When it had prepared this mixture it desired to rub it all
over us who sat near. It clutched at a lady's bonnet ribbons. It
transferred an irregular spot of molasses, coloured brown, to the bright
hue of the broad silk ribbon. The lady turned. She looked for the
moment as if she might be King Herod's wife or sister. Then the
parents withdrew their glutinous olive branch. The olive branch
cried because it could not have the lady to paw.
They gave it coloured candy. With this the little child worked
itself into an uneasy lump of saccharine adhesiveness; The place
formed by nature for the candy was soon filled up. It cried because
it couldn't hold any more. It wanted to go to its father. It went.
It cried-then to go back to its mother. It went. Then it howled to
go back to its father. The mother held the public baby aloft. It
cried. She held it low down. It cried. She held it then in an
inverted position. It cried a trifle less. The rush of blood to the head
diminished its capacity for sound. A few minutes more and it might
have stopped-for ever. Unfortunately the mother took the alarm.
She restored the P.B. to an upright posture and it was saved-saved
to howl for years.


46








FUN.


MR. BARCLE'S MILL.
You know I owned a powder-mill once," said Mr. William Barcle,
"and it bust up ?"
I know,"' said I, "that one of the'first-things I can remember is
hearing people wonder if it was not nearly -time for old Bill Barcle's
powder magazine to. explode again."
"Jest so," assented he, ti.e.ori!;v L,'rrirn his toddy; "but the
particular one I allude to never -bust, up but once. I owned a goad
rany mills before that one, though, all built on the same spot. They
all bust up.
"This bustin' up became quite a regular feature-something to
look forward to, like Christminas, or election day, -and the neighbours
took an interest in it, as was natural, seeing that, most of the families
within a radius of ten miles were represented-ontmy pay-roll, and the
tombstones in the cemetery were a precious -lot of.standing advertise-
ments of my business. But after ten or: fifteen years of bustin' up, I
cut my wisdom teeth-you can lay your-life; I cut my wisdom teeth! "
Mr. Barcle paused to execute the strangled oackle.which he had
persuaded himself was a laugh, but in ithe cavity whencedit proceeded,
I could perceive no wisdom teeth, or.teeth of any kind.
You see I always had a talent-for figuring, soonei.day I took the
length of time from the foundation' ofthe first mill to the bustin' up
of the last Wne, and reduced it to minutes. Dividing this number by
the number of bustin' ups-the sehoblmaster helped a bit-I found
the average, duration of a powder.mill in that climate -was three years,
two hundred and twenty days, five hours an&-seventeen minutes.
By this means I found the mill I'then had would, bust.up at exactly
five minutes ..past four o'clock on.the afternoon, of .the'fifteeath. of
September, 1869. It was then August of the same-year. -.So I hadn't
much time for fooling."
Ah I see-you set aou set about reimomvg the powder at once,", said I.
Perhaps I did, and perhaps tIdidn't. Perhaps I amfobl enough-to
believe I can repeal the decrees of :.-Fate, and irpercps I am-not. -:.As I
am about to tell you, I swore the schoolmaster te silence,t and got him
to draw up a flaming big notic_.-that ', owing to the proprietor-of the
Cat Creek Powder Works being about to retire to- his.-ertates:in
New Jersey, this flourishing,property (the'Works) wouldbe sold at. a
sacrifice." 'This notice was posted up at, a cross-road-i-the local
newspaper had tried to get my licence revoked at the last-bust.up, and
I never did like the Press, anyhow. For nearly three weeks I:got.no
offers, alnd as the fatal day; drew near I -got more nervous- every
minute ;,but presently, oa the tenth of September, a little-fellow from
New York came along and made a-bid for the mill. I, didn't. haggle
very long. about the price, if I, know.myself; but he took three -whole
days to examine the property,: and the. books, and everything-he and
his lazy lawyer. 'Finally they era satisfied, and we: .four-I took the
schoolmaster along-met at the.-mill to. drawup the papers. It was
now two o'clock of the -afternoon on which she was to bust up. I had
stopped work and sent away all the hands;-.so that nothing might
interrupt us. But that lawyer-I never sawc such a slow rascal to
write And I and the schoolmaster were dancing with excitement!
But the more nervous we got, the oftener that serene lawyer laid down
his pen to assure us there was no occasion to worry, and to express his
surprise that a man so accustomed to the business as I was, should get
so excited -about a simple transaction like this-always concluding
with a proposal that we should put away the papers and have a quiet
smoke.
I pulled out my watch a thousand times, I think; and every time
I did so, the schoolmaster came up behind me, poking his white face
over my shoulder to see the time; but my hand shook so we could
neither of us make out the figures on the dial. Presently I re-
membered the big clock in the front of the front of the schoolhouse, facing the
mill, and about a quarter of a mile away-the clock by which I had
always regulated the working' hours. I thought if I could just set
that back two hours, or so, we should get done. It was a brilliant
notion, and the moment it struck me, without even waiting to say
excuse me, I broke for the door, and cut across the fields. With a
yell of terror the schoolmaster bolted after me, overtook me, passed
me, leaping and shrieking like a panther, and dashed out of sight
behind a distant hill!
Gaining the schoolhouse I kicked in the door, scampered up the
stairs into the clock-tower as a monkey goes up an appple-tree, and in
a moment was out at a hale, and standing on a ledge immediately in
front of the clock-dial. I turned and cast one glance at the mill; the
two men were standing i,. the dooeer-that is all I observed, but of
course they must have been saying, Well, I never!' And I suppose
they never did.
I turned my face to the dial. I could see I had a full hour to
spare; it was just upon the stroke of three. Now that I was out
of the mill I was cool enough to perceive that an hour later would have
been ample time to get through the business, even at the rate of speed
at which that exasperating lawyer was pretending to work, And now
-what a coatwisted idiot I had been! I should have to go back and
explain; I should have to hunt up my schoolmaster. I seized the


47


long hand af the clock, determined to set her back a good six hours. I
couldn't move it--..ot an inch In a fit of desperation I laid hold of
the- short hand-it wouldn't budge I tried to work it a little both
ways, so as to loosen it, when it suddenly gave way while I was pulling
downward, and went to IV with a click-the other hand remaining
motionless at XII.! Then I felt the building.tremble.
"Turning to the powder-mill I saw that-valuable concern rising
with slow majesty into the air, pushed upward apparently by a
column of thick black smoke which appeared to cov'ie out of the earth.
The schoolhouse shook like it had a fit of.ague, the glass fell jingling
from its windows, the clock pounded- four stunning strokes in my very
ear, and a low heavy rumble filled the ai'. And during all this .time
that column of smoke kept growing taller and taller, and swaying from
side to side; and my mill,, 'with two men chatting in the- door, -was
balancing itself unsteadily.. on *the summit ,of it. When it had been
lifted about a half a mile it stopped; the smoke pulled itself clear
from the ground and, soaring upward, lapped the whole 'establishment
in obscurity. My flourishing property had left this wicked world,
and hung suspended inthe bowels of a giant ball-oef. black, smoke
fiercely convolving in theblue empyrean! Then she bust up."


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 357.
OOub climate vile
Is-in need of reform,
SFor-new for a while
uIt's.muggy and warm,
For the roses. bloonand the peach-treo shoots,
But in May by the frost they'll be cutbo the roots.
1. This-ornam-atygrsws
Od 'Bimpleby'sinose,
*-,And Pimpleby saysitfit-getstmuch worse,
.kie shall steal some meat tdbeatid of the curse.
2. She sat in state
And twangled alyre,
AVith lyri alefire
Mid her sisters eight.


3. On board his ship, todleeward,
On his first trip, rushed Jason,
Ejaculating, Steward "
And addimgtfaintly; 'fbason! "
4.I-do .adore
Aeoch. and four.
And behind four-nags-wheed I can sit,
I do not care for your trains a bit.
5. When Mussulmans die
They hope to espy,
In fairer bowers
Than this world of ours,
A cerps de ballet by no mrans shy.
6. The portrait's not finished, but here you see
What sort of a likeness it's going to be.
7. When the unhappy Syrinx ran
Away from that oid rascal Pan,
To cheat old goat-legs of his prey,
Diana changed her, legends say.
SoaUTION oP Ac osTIC, No. 355.-Russian Wedding: Raw, Undine,
Squid, Spud, Incubi, Arithmetician, Napping.
SOLUTIox or Ac OSTIC No. 355, received 21st January :-None correct.

Na More!
THE distinguished scholar-whoever he may be-detailed by the
Telegraph to sling ink about the Duke of Edinburgh's marriage is
enamoured of the foreign-looking word Tsarskoe Selo," and gives us
a whole column about it in the course of which he gaily observes-
The famous lines-if I mistake not-of the Poet Bunn-" The lights are fled,
the garland's dead "-came back to me constantly to-day.
Did our superficial whiffler ever hear of an obscure bard called
Thomas Moore ? Because, in that case, he will find the plums of his
Bunn in a comparatively unknown poem of Moore's, commencing Oft
in the still night." We trust it is a rule of Peterborough Court that
"no Irish need apply," as otherwise the tails of that correspondent's
coat on his return will be trampled by the invading hoof of the Celt.


Green in the Eye?
THE real Tapis Vert. Spirit-rapping.


JANUARY 31, 1874.]


I








FUN.


[JANUAAY 31, 1874.


N -


A DOUBLE FIRST.
Rector's Wife:-" IT REALLY IS A VERY STRANGE THING, DIBBLES, THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE QUARREL SO OFTEN "
Dibbles :-"EES, MIARM, IT BE RUM, 'CAUSE WE BOTH AGREE ON ONE MAIX P'INT. SHE WANTS TO BE MASTER, AND SO O I! "


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
1Mi. GLADSTONE dissolves Parliament. In acid. = More rows in the
French assembly apropos of the gagging of the Press. The Press if it
were grateful would not report these scenes. = Archdeacon Denison
elected President of English Church Union at Weston. Disunionismorn
in his line. = Meeting about School Board at Manchester. Bigoted
opponents of secular education showed that twopence extra for manners
had neverbeen spent on them at school. = Another case of Conservative
Reaction. Conservative candidate at Newcastle returned thanks for his
election-which hadn't come off! Large majority for Cowen. The
famine in Bengal bids fair to be a complete success. By kind per-
mission of the authorities." = The Siamese twins have died. They
were not divided on the point. = Sir Michael Beach has been talking
with pebbles in his mouth, mistaking them for Bristol diamonds. =
Tichborne case still proceeds with all the energy of a stationary
engine. It appears "A Juror" takes in the Standard. This accounts
for much. = London School Board continues to do nothing with the
utmost promptitude and dispatch-" the debate was again adjourned "
sort of thing. = In a recent boiler explosion it has been proved the
engineer put a weight on the safety valve. Very unbusinesslike-he
should have sat upon it. = Spain still internally disordered. All
parties declare the labour we delight in physics Spain." = Another
instance of instinct. Dogs at Leamington, hired to poachers at a
shilling a night, "have lost the canine habit of attachment to persons
and will go with anyone carrying a rabbit-not." Possibly the net is
a more worthy object of respect than the man.


These are the Questions!
Ax advertisement, whose author apparently has been talking poetry
all his life without knowing it, has been of late in the raper printed
as prose, but should run thus:-
If your offspring you should lose,
The daughter of the late John Bond's Marking Ink be sure you use ;
Its name upon the linen mark plain,
Which will bring the dear child back again.
The writer, evidently one of the mystic school, will perhaps kindly
explain what a marking ink's daughter is like? Does it resemble
mother of pearl ? Next, is it the name or the linen or the mark that
will bring the child home, and, if the first-mentioned, is it the name
of the linen or of what ?

Wasteful Expenditure.
SOMEBODY has been hoaxing a serious contemporary. It solemnly
alleges:-
Everybody of note in Ashantee has a band of his own.
Yes, of course! And wears it round his waist. That jokist was
punning on note" and "music."

Curiosity in Sport.
IT is probable that an attempt will shortly be made to badger the
Chancellor of the Exchequer into the repeal of the Malt Tax 'with a
pack of Malt-tease Terriers.


48







F U N .-JANUARY 31, 1874.


bNL


II '


/
/i6~4 IN


V`1U


N
-7


NEW ARMY REGULATIONS.
OFFICERS' GRIEVANCES.
IN consequence of a recent assault case, all officers will in future bo supplied with dummies of the D- of C- and Mrs. C- w---11
in order that they may'soothe their feelings without a breach of the peace."- The London Correspondent.


I.









JANUARY 31, 1874.]


The Dollar Mark.
A WRITER in the Atlantic 3-onthly
laboriously traces the origin of the dollar
mark (S) to the two pillars of Hercules
with a scroll entwined around them.
Upon these pillars he waxes eloquent and
. says:-
They are identified with the household pillars
of the Scandinavians, and the idea from which
the concrete embodiments spring is to be found
alike in the Sanskrit Vedas, and in the glowing
imagery of the Hebrew poets. They are the
symbols of day and night, of light and darkness,
which to the dawning intelligence of the Arian
races were evidence of the Omnipotent, and to
the Jewish patriarchs the work of a revealed
Creator."
After this, we can quite understand why
;it is that Americans are said to worship
the Almighty Dollar.

Home Ruling the Waves.
A NEWRY shipowner has been commit-
ted for sending to sea a ship named The
Repealer, which foundered. Ho should have
called it ITome Rule; because that won't
go down at all!

Jam satis.
SWs are told that the author of Dame
Europa's School" is about to publish
The House that Baby built." Autobio-
graphies are very rarely interesting !

Not Wanted.
THE ex-king' of Naples has taken up his
quarters in Paris in the suburb of Saint
Mand6. He is not likely to be demand&.


FUN


OHW1 HORROR.I
.Potogfraphie, Tout;-" WouLD YOU LIKE TO BE TOOK ALTOGETHER, SIR? THERE'S JUST
SIX OF YER, INCLUDING THE BABY. MAKE' A BEAUTIFUL GROUP! "


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWH ERE.
MESSIEURS VALNAY AND PITRON, at the Holborn Theatre, continue
to delight and surprise us with the energy and ability they display in
putting upon the boards some of the best of the modern French
comedies, as well as such masterpieces of the older school as Le
SXariage de Figaro. Of late they have given us Tricoche et Caeolet, Le
Reveillon, and Une Corneille qui abat des Noix. We have already
noticed the two first-named pieces, and need only say that in the
hands of the admirable company, which the enterprising managers
have brought together, they are still as attractive as ever. The last-
named comedy, which may be freely translated as The Busybody"
-a bird which in its efforts to pick one nut knocks down twenty more
-is one that will be understood best by the public as a Charles
Mathews' piece," being almost entirely dependent on the acting of
' Mons. Didier, who, from the moment he comes on the stage till the
fall of the curtain, has little respite. We need, therefore, hardly say
the piece is a complete success, and that a ripple of laughter
constantly accompanies it. As the Lyons silk-merchant, always
discovering intrigues and disgraces which have no real existence, and
always comforting the friend whose happiness he thus endangers with
the assurance that I am by your side," Mons. Didier is inimitable.
Mons. Schey as the foolish and deliquious lover of Alexina--a role
admirably taken by Mademoiselle Wilhem-is very comic; while
Messieurs Perrier, Leprevost, and Lecourt make the most of the parts
assigned to them. The situations are novel and laughable, while the
plot is almost more complicated than the importance of the piece
demands, and seems greatly to exercise those worthy souls who do "
the French plays as a duty to Fashion. Yet to the real student of the
French language, these performances are nothing less than a liberal
education, for, with scarcely an exception, the members of this admir-
able company seem to strive to keep their audience with them. It is
pleasant to think that the French Plays, thanks to the energy and
ability of Messieurs Valnay and Pitron, are, we may almost say,
domiciled in London, and that without crossing the channel we may
enjoy true comedy and real acting at the Holborn Theatre.
The Mohawk Minstrels, who have been established for some time
now in the vicinity of High Street, Islington, are not likely to move
thence soon, if the business they do and the satisfaction they give
form any criterion of future movements. Among them are some
excellent singers and some good instrumentalists, while their budget
of songs, if not peculiar to coloured entertainers, is intensely amusing.


While on the subject of minstrels we are glad to remark that the
benefit of Mr. Frederick Burgess, the amiable manager of the Moore
and Burgess troop was-what it deserved to be-a benefit in every
sense of the word : in fact a bumper."

Happy, Happy Pair!
A LIVERPOOL daily paper contains an advertisement, which is full
of suggestion:-
PARNELL PROSECUTION.-A gentleman, who intends subscribing 10 to the
St. Margaret's Defence Fund, is desirous to PAIR with a'gentleman about to
subscribe the same amount towards the prosecution, in order to save the pockets of
both. Address, &c.
We don't know what the Parnell Prosecution or the St Margaret's
Defence Fund is, but this method of settling matters- seems to us to
have many recommendations, if carried out completely. In order to
do this, all other subscribers should also pair'off, and then all that
would remain to be done would be to get the rival barristers and con-
flicting attorneys to pair off too, and the case would be argued
and settled without costing anybody a penny! We shall be glad to
learn whether this view meets with the approval of the legal advisers
on either side.

Beshrew Me !
ONE at least of the wise men who came from the East seems to have
strayed up Northward, where he edits the )Dundalk Almanac. In that
profoundly interesting periodical he observes in a stray note"
that-
Shrove Tuesday may happen on any day between the 2nd of February and the
Sth of March.
We are very glad to hear it; and if it is all the same to him we
should like Shrove Tuesday to fall on Saturday, the 14th, this year, as
we are going to dine at home, and so shall escape the infliction of
leathery pancakes.

Annus Mirabilis.
IT may not be generally known that all additions to our ironclad
fleet launched during the current year will be '74-gun-shipe.

To DISPENSE WITH A RIETRIEVER.-Sec that your gun carries well.


51









I









FUN.


[JANUAnY 31, 1874.


MR. TOOZLE'S GRAND SPIRIT EXHIBITION.
1. Preparations are made.- 2. A select few are invited to the performance.- 3. A'spirit is called. It
appears and produces a sensation.- 4. It is commanded to give an account of itself.--5. The spirit
immediately obeys; immense sensation.-- 6. It turned out to be the Carpenter, who had secured a bottle of
spirits and became intoxicated.


A Diverting Story.
THE Oberlin Times tells the following
remarkable anecdote of the Rev. Newman
Hall's visit to America:-
When the Rev. Newman Hall was in Oberlin
he was the guest of President Fairchild, and the
morning after his arrival, he sent his boots below
for an obvious purpose. They were not returned
to him when the bell called him to the breakfast-
room, and he appeared in his toilet slippers. Pre-
sident Fairchild noticed this, and he also noticed
a pair of strange boots in a strange place. He
would probably have as soon thought of asking
the kitchen-maid to verify a quotation for him as
to black his visitor's boots, and so he blacked
them himself.
We are not quite sure what is the point
of this story. Obviously it mattered
nothing to the Rev. Mr. Hall whether the
President or the kitchen-maid cleaned
his boots, so long as they were well
polished; nor did it seem to matter much
to President Fairchild. The kitchen-
maid clearly ignored the whole transac-
tion. The only lesson taught us is that
the Editor of the Oberlin Times ought to
be kept out of people's kitchens.


Lord Lytton's Latest Critic.
THIs is from a superfine criticism of
Lord Lytton's "Parisians" in the
Examiner:-
His Communists in particular, are little more
than caricatures ......
They are amusing, but not real. They are
rubbing their eyes all through, as though th-y
felt themselves out of water; and the same thing
is true of most of the French characters in the
book.
Two questions suggest themselves: First,
do fishes always rub their eyes when they
feel themselves out of water ? Secondly,
would the sensation of being out of water
strike a Communist as strange or novel.
In another part of his article this critic
finds fault with Lord Lytton for confusing
his metaphors and writing s'ipshod
English.

Desires an Engagement.
HERE is an advertisement from the
Guardian :-
A YOUNG, unmarried CLERGYMAN will be
DISENGAGED directly. Moderate views,
and good reference. Address, Rev.--
It would have been more becoming
behaviour if that young man had
refrained from advertising his freedom
until he was really free. We will not
inquire into the circumstances of his
disengagement, trusting that they are
honourable to both parties. But has he
never read
"It is good to be off with the old love
Before you are on with the new" ?
The young unmarried ladies, to whom the
advertisement seems addressed, should
remember this trait in the reverend young
gentleman's character.


Love Mathematical. Two to One, bar One.
IT is not always that Emerson is so clearly intelligible as he is when IEHRE's the latest sensation:-
he observes :- WANTED by a respectable Married Cruple, aged 34, thoroughly experienced,
h o the management of a PUBLIC-HOUSE, or would not object to an Outdoor
Love, and you shall be loved. All love is mathematically just, much as the two Barman's Place. First-class character.-Address, by letter, "Barman," etc.
sides of an algebraic question. We presume the once famous female-barman line is played out,
This is eminently true, as can be shown by working out the equa- and this is an attractive novelty. Still we don't see how a married,
tion :- couple, aged 34, can be an Outdoor Barman.
a03 + bo = C7o + b0.o,
In other words. if Alfred, aged 35, loves Bella, aged 20, it will be all WHY should a Cotton Lord be successful on the turf ?-Because he
right if rich old Dustbins, aged 70, marries Bella. ought not to be beaten in a spin.


A2








JANUARY 31, 1874.] 33


IMPORTANT SPORTING.
IN my last I informed you that an active and efficient member of
the force called on me about the old gentleman who occasionally
sparkles by means of sporting verse in these columns, and though I
was very much annoyed and disappointed, indeed, at how I had been
served, by what I considered was a perfidious viper who had been
nurtured in my bosom, I could not but listen to the story of the
active constable whose eye, as he spoke, beamed with the intelligence
peculiar to the police, as it roamed round my drawing-room in hope of
discovering signs of an offer of something to drink.
I had asked the officer into the drawing-room because, among
various reasons, the dining-room is 'occupied by another gentleman,
who had bolted the door and got under the sofa as soon as ever the
colour of my visitor's cloth was seen; because it is not usual to ask a
visitor into the bedroom; and because if I had kept him in the passage
or on the doorstep the curiosity of the landlady and the other lodgers
-including the gentleman before named, who came out quite
unconcerned when he heard my name asked for-would have been
satisfied. And I don't like to satisfy idle curiosity, more especially
when it's exercised on my business. The representative of.the powers
that be, having decided in preference for gin, there being nothing else
handy-gin is good for the literary composition, and is reasonable
withal-said:-
"The hold pusson who's at the station-'ouse 'as been most wilent.
He says as 'ow he's connected with the Press, and fifty pens will
awenge 'is fall. He also says as you'll be bail for 'im, and you'd
better take in some new togs for he's been knocking hus hall about so
that he aint got a rag to 'is blessed back. 'Is 'ed's all cut about, too,
which he must a-done out o' spite afore he came on our beat; and he's
got two stunning' black eyes, for he's been knocking 'is face about the
cell floor all night. So you'd better come and see 'im, Sir, and see
about settling for the damage he's done to the station- house and to
hour uniforms, for the magistrate's very 'ard on civilians who hinter-
fere with the police."
You can guess, of course, that this information was by no means
satisfactory to one who was not only hampered with his own work,
but who had been expecting valuable assistance from the very person
who now claimed it on his own behalf. But my powers always rise
with the demand made on them, and I determined to accompany the
vigilant officer to the station-house, and see what was to be done.
While I was getting ready I gave him a portion of my new dramatic
play to amuse himself with, but found on my return to the drawing-
room, that he must have found it very dry, as the gin bottle was quite
empty. I don't care much about police criticism, but I think the man
might have left a drop of comfort for me when I was about to depart
upon an errand of mercy. Also I could have dispensed with the
attentions of my neighbours, who from their windows made remarks
about what they considered was my clever capture, and whose
descendants, in the shape of little nurses and big babies, attended us
from my court to that of the police magistrate.
There is little need for me to enter into particulars of what I found.
at the police office-in fact I didn't find anything, I lost considerably.
When I got into the court the trial was over, and the old man, who
had been called by the worthy magistrate a wicked ruffian who
ought to be thankful for the clemency of the police, had been fined
forty shillings for each assault, and. four pounds for damage done, in
all ten pounds, or three months. I daresay the vastness of the
amount shocks you, Sir, and so will the vastness of my resources when
I tell you that I paid it. Paid it, Sir, every farthing, and brought the
old man away in triumph. But, ah, at what a sacrifice Sir, I took
the unfinished manuscript of my nautical drama to the nearest pawn-
broker's and pledged it for ten guineas, the extra ten bob being to get
a drop of liquor and a plaister for the poor old man. I should like to
observe, Sir, that this is the best instance I ever knew of the value of
literary work, and I think it should not be lost on you, Sir, with
regard to the amount per line I am in future to receive. For though
I say it with all respect, I cannot bring myself to believe that the
pawnshopman would lend you so much on any work of yours; really,
I don't think he'd take it in. But I'll give you a letter of introduction
to him if you like.
i. Of course the old man denied having knocked the policeman about,
and when I looked at his disfigured face, and contrasted it with their
smug self-satisfied countenances, I thought if he had he must have hit
them with his head; but since he has been livened up with something
hot, and has had his eyes painted, I fancy he begins to believe himself
almost as great a bruiser as he was sworn to be. He talks
mysteriously about upper cuts and cross-counters, and I heard him
to-night talking mysteriously to the landlady-I have taken him to my
place for the present-about putting the hug on the back attic if he
doesn't mind what he is about and pay his rent regularly. -But then
the back attic's eighty if he's a day, and only four feet high.
W My object in detailing all this, Sir, is so that by means of publicity
we may get up a little subscription to defray our expenses and enable


me to redeem my manuscript. Please say a good word for us, and put
a notice in the paper that stamps and post-office orders will be
received at the office on account of the old man and yours, sweet Sir,
affectionately, AUGSPUr.
[The Editor of Fax considers it to be his duty to warn all readers
that he has investigated the foregoing, and has discovered:-First,
that the old ruffian who has been several times forbidden to enter this
office has never been locked up (at least lately), though doubtless he
deserved to be ; secondly that he has never (also at least lately) been
fined; and thirdly that Augspur never pawned his manuscript for the
amount named-cela va sans dire. The whole business is an impudent
attempt to extort money, and not only that but to enhance the value
of the sporting work of this paper at the expense of the other
contributors and the Editor. And the Editor doesn't believe that
Augspur could write a drama-no nor even a burlesque. All
subscriptions will, therefore' be returned to the senders, or if specially
requested the Editor will dispose of them privately as occasion may
require.]

A MOVING TALE.
GEORGE oC eGnEon SILLITOE
Once resided down at Bow.
Then he did his gentle smile lend
To the residents of Mile End.
Now he seeks a home anew
'Mid the environs of Kew-
Is associated with
Folks who dwell at Hammersmith.
But I truly do not know
To what suburb he may go,
When he takes for his abode a
Spot less near to the Pagoda.
He may quaff his hippocrene
In the realms of Turnham Green,
Or discuss his hydromel
'Mid the groves of Clerkenwell.
He may set up his museum
Near the Frogmore Mausoleum
Or may collocate his "libery "
On the fertile plains of Highbury.
I don't care where he may go,
George McGregor Sillitoe;-
Gentle stranger, drop a tear
At this moving tale you hear !


slIasts t (Df i$frgl5lfAlls,
[ We cannot return unaccepted 188. or Sketches, unless they are accomt-
panied by a stamped and directed envelops, and we do not hold ourselveC
responsible for loss.]
JOSEPH apparently knows not that sustentation is a not unusual
technical term.
B. (Reading.)-Stop at Reading and don't try Writing.
M. C.-We should be happy to oblige a lady; but what can we do when
a lady obliges us-to say 'No '?
P. (Rochford.)-That joke about woe-maa is at least as old as Eve,
if not Adam.
H. (Oxford) should have sent the actual paragraph.
S. (Fitzroy-square.)-We do not know of any book from which you can
"learn to write poetry." Go, and read Tupper, and Rossetti, and Close,
and the other poets.-
BEaINNEm.---A lead pencil and a piece of paper are not a bad stock in
trade to start on, but to become an artist you will also need what you
can't get at the colourman's-skill, experience, taste, and knowledge. You
might as well set up as an engineer because you have bought a model
engine! Patience!
F. B. (Walworth.)-Bless you, we never knew anything about geography,
since we got a prize for it at school. Besides we have renounced the
pomps and Khivanities of this wicked world.
D.-Consult the Gardener's Magazine, where you will find all you
require.
P. (Tallboys.)-You may do as you please.
Declined with Thanks:-W., New York; F. A. MI., Oxford; S. DI.;
Subscriber; G., Camberwell; M. J., Barnsbury; Old Party; B. B.; N. N.,
Aldersgate-street; T., Battersea; W. H. W.; J. K., Oxford-street; X. Y.,
Tottenham; Hector, Dublin; S. J. S., Darlington; Jinks; J. L. S., Perth;
-, Reepham; F. K., Croydon; V., Castle Rising; C. H. C.; E. 0. Soli-
hull; W.J. T., W. R. M., Reading; W. A., Glasgow; Theophilus; MI. H.,
Newbiggen; A. M., Dunfermline; H. V. C.,Kingsland; A. T., Barnsbury;
B. E. S.; J. K., Jun., Edinburgh; L., Dacca; Sam.







54FU N. N[JAN-ARY d, 1874.


v -MY PANTOMIME.
MI IrAN as early as I can
To purify this wicked age,
By hitting on the novel plan
Of writing for the British stage.
The Drama sadly wants a lift
To bring us back its palmy time.
/-For poetry I feel a gift;
ALLn T E .C o let me try a Pantomime.
G--:In Pantaloon I wish to see
.--,h lie model of a hoary sage.
M y Clown and Harlequin shall be
The Locke and Bacon of the age.
M y Columbine shall say her say
In elegant and ethic rhyme :-
At least, if I can have my way
When I produce a Pantomime.
SDiscussions on the Moral Sense
Would now and then create a thrill,
--- And public feeling grow intense
_- .o, I-_ eUpon the Freedom of the W ill.
The Origin of Evil seems
w A point sufficiently sublime,
To take its place with other themes
o- And brighten up a Pantomime.
No petty larceny should mar
SThe lively character of Clown;
And Woman's Rights-whate'er they arc-
Should all be placed before the tow n.
att A naughty act or wicked word
Sp I/ d Should hbe regarded as a crime.
,tuNo slang should over once he heard
ll Were I to write a Pantomime.
camThe public mind would better grow,
Instead of daily growing worse,
If I could practise all I know,
To teach morality in verse.
/I feel, wouldd be a great success
X In any country-any clime.
Will any Manager say Yes,"
ALL THE DIFFERENCE. And let me write a Pantomime?
Gent eman :-"IS THIS THE WAY YOU'D GO TO D'BLIN, PT ?"
Pat.-" No YBa 'oNNER. I'D Go winD MYSELF, YERl 'ONNER GOES WID A HARD TnImEs.-How can anyone be happy in hati g-
BAsTE!" seventy-four !
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. Of the illustrations the less said the better, for neither in drawing nor
TURNING in engraving are they at all worthy of the work.
Sionmer Cruising in the South Seas (Chatto and Windus, Piccadilly), Heogarth's Works (Chatto and Windus) can hardly be called a sea-
by Charles Warren Stoddard, is a reprint, from the Overland Mosnthly, sonable book, as its connection is not with any particular peri-d, but
of papers, which shared with Bret Hiarte's stories the honour of rather with all time. This is not only the first complete edition of
making that magazine popular and successful. Long before that Hogarth ever published, but it is the only one in which the artist's
over-praised book, The Earl end the de otr, they made readers own lines appear, the plates and drawings having been reduced by a
familiar with the weird fairylike life of the Pacific Islands, and set us process which, if it possesses some slight faults, has the inestimable
longing for the lovely climate, the glorious sea, and the wonderful advantage of giving each reduced work as it was originally printed,
scenery of the Hawaian group. Mr. Stoddard has a felicitous style of and not as it might have been. The autobiography is quaint, and, as
his own, which, while it depicts with the accuracy of a photograph, might fairly be expected, full of humour.
lends a Turneresque glory to all that it touches. A shade of melan-
choly lends a piquancy to most of the sketches; for contact with
civilisation seems to be as fatal to the islanders as handling is to a Literal.
butterfly; and even Mr. Stoddard (has the thought struck him ?), who A vous pt in the Western States sent to the local pper a love-
looks on his white skin as a mere glove drawn on over a brown and poem beginning:-
tattooed savage, has to record again and again the death of those who Reveel, I begg, the madgic spell.
attached themselves to him with the unselfish devotion of which the The Editor answered that if he liked to call at the office he should
Hawaian is so intensely capable. It would be difficult to select any have the run of the dictionary there for a few hours.
particular sketch for special mention, where each has its own peculiar
charm, but if we were asked for a characteristic paper, we should have
to choose between "Joe of Lahaina" and MIy South Sea Show." ONE WHO IS OFTEN' UNDEIC A CLouD.-The Photographer.



FOR BREAKFAST.






FOR LUNCHEON.

firnte by" JUDD & CO.,Phconix Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at o80, f'leet Street, E. C.-London, January 3t, 1874.








FUTN.


DISSOLUTION OF PARLIAMENT.


OFF TO THE COUNTRY.


CANDIDATE ADDRES-IXG THE ELECTO 8.


A NEW PARLIAMENT OF STARTLING NOVELTIES. E. T. S-I-H, SPEAKER.


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
DISSOLUTION of Parliament. Numberless small prophets hoping
for quick returns. = Mr. Carlyle von Chelsea has been writing a
letter. More Karl than 'ile in it. = Mr. Gladstone replies to Dizzy.
Well, flounder and founder" is quite as neat as "plunder and
blunder." = Marshal MacMahon's balls at the Elys6e are a success.
There is much powder, and the President pays the shot. = Earl
Russell has been patting Bismarck on the back. Bismarck has been
kind enough not to notice the liberty. = Summing-up of Tichborne
case begins. It may yet be concluded within the century. Death
of Livingstone. Still, his naturally strong constitution survived
Stanley's visit for some time. = Mr. Gladstone proposes to repeal the
Income Tax. He had better take off the Tax, and give us all
Incomes. = Duke of Edinburgh's marriage at St. Petersburg. In spite
< the climate it was not a frost. = Mr. Albert Grant is for granting


Leicester Square to the public. Let's create him Earl of Leicester!
= Mr. Whalley has been voted the confidence of Peterborough.
Happy Peterborough! = Mr. Odger has kindly consented to contest
Southwark. It has yet to be ascertained whether Southwark will
contest Mr. Odger. = Weather mild, muggy and miserable. The
three "m rule of the climate.'

Playfair's a Jewel.
THE Postmaster General will be surprised and gratified to read the
following brief extract from a tradesman's advertisement:-
Hearses, &e., for removals, by post or telegram.
An achievement far surpassing the greatest recorded feats in the
black art."


voL. XIX. F


553








56 F -N.


[FEBRUARY 7, 1874.


BoR-x, 1816; DIED, 1878.
SLEEP well! You have accomplished all
Ambition hoped, or science dreamed,
I' And, with life's promises redeemed,
You fall.
So best :-you like a soldier fell
Who rather on the tented field
Than in soft peace his life would yield:-
Sleep well!
We can, but envy your repose,
Whose feebler strength,'mid.smaller ta-sks,
Already faints, and fails, and asks
A close.
Sleep well! In aftertimes your name
Shall wiser ages proudly greet
With loving gratitude more sweet .
Than fame.
The statesman's crown, the warrior's wrcath
Less praise shall than the olives reap,
Stainless, and bloodless, that you sleep
Beneath.
For war and statecraft both must cease
When every land with hearty grip
Clasps hands in love and fellowship
And peace;
But your unceasing toil to give
New peoples to the light of day,
When all these things have passed away,
Will live!
Let shoutsgo up, and banners wave,
For generals and chiefs of State-
A nation's tears shall consecrate
Your grave.
O'er desert wilds and angry foam
They bear your ashes to their rest,
And England makes her loving breast
Their home.
Sleep well !, You nobly did your part
To benefit the human race,
Be ever green your resting place,
Brave heart!


SFUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 4, 1874.
WHEN the 'Conservative organs raised a gratified shout at tlhe
promptitude with which the leader of the Oppositionissued his counter-
manifesto to Mr. Gladstone's Greenwich address,ait is strange if none
of the experienced writers on the Tory press did. not feel some
misgiving as to the wisdom of a hasty answer. 'Mr. IDisraeli's worst
enemies have never taunted him with excessive accuracy, even when
he has had time to elaborate those ingenious squibs which the stupid
party" describes -as masterpieces of eloquence. We presume, therefore;
that not even his own friends on the Press were astonished to learn
that the treaty which he so elaborately denounced as closing the
Malacca Straits against English commerce -was the work of his own
Ministry! He -has not been-at all happy this time in his manifesto-
possibly a recollection of the Bath -letter, hampered his pen. Mr.
Gladstone has repaid the '" plundering and blundering with a-more
neat retort in floundering and foundering," while Mr. Lowe has
rubbed off any little electro-plating which. seemed to adhereto the
remark that any Ministry with a surplus could remit taxes. Mr.
Lowe endorsed the truth of the platitude, but added the gentle sting
that no Ministry in--which Mr. Disraeli had held power ever had a'
surplus, to deal with. .If any stretch of imagination could make us
suppose Mr. Disraeli to be in earnest about anything in this world, we
should, think he would -rather wish he had not rushed so hastily into
print.

Seizing the Opportunity.
-THE Washington espatch says :-
' Hill, who accidentally shotand killed his wife-in attempting to defend her from
-the assaults of three roughs, has been discharged from custody.
This is quite as it should be. We all understand that the shooting of
the wife was quite an accident, and we congratulate the widower on
the final event.- 'But our readers must understand that the example is
one which cannot be very freely imitated. It is only in the' best
regulated families that accidents of this kind are permitted to happen.


Communicated."
WE have heard before now, that virtue is its own reward, but were
not aware that other matters possessed the same cheap and lasting, if
economical tendencies. The following proves, however, that even the
lowest depths of the contributorial mind possess a deeper still:-
THE CABMAN who took a lady and little boy from 6, street,'Montpelier
square, on Monday week, 19th inst., will be REWARDED by communicating
with T. C., 47, road, Brompton.
We should like to run against this cabman-that is we should like to
ride in his vehicle-and fancy that if this is his notion .of payment
for service, we could give him lots of work, and perhaps more. He
will probably be rewarded sufficiently for all future purposes by this
communication.

en were Deceivers ever."
THis is really "a caution," and no error, in the way of advertise-
ments:-
CAUTION.-Dr: PIRSCHER, of street;, desires his friends, both in England
and abroad, not to allow themselves to bedeceived by individuals who have
been induced to take his name in order to injure him. He has no relations in
England, and no intercourse with any German. For identification: He is 7o years
old, and was once a State prisoner in a Prussian fortress for high treason and
participation in a political conspiracy.
We don't know why individuals should attempt to deceive Dr..Pir-
scher's friends, unless indeed there is anything to be particularly
proud of about the identification." It' must be very high treason,
indeed, that will leave its marks for identification after a lapse of years.
Perhaps, however, they are Bis-marks, which are ineradicable.


'Pounded.
THE principle of the compound, marine steam engine is attracting
attention. We are at a loss to imagine why. owners should wish tu
see their engines compound '






B'11J14-.F BRUARY 7, 1874f


BEFORE THE BATTLE.


TU 8 T







FEBzVAay 7, 1874.]


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 358.
HAMMER and nails,
For the hustings we lack,
Gladstone prevails
In spite of attack,
And soon will return with a troop at his back.
1. In a most conspicuous manner
It was blazoned on the banner,
A flower that always turned
Towards where Dan Phoebus burned.
2. She sat on a rock with willows, crowned.
And all who listened her lay were drowned.
3. Some want one hind, and-some another,
And so time slips away,
But people die round us, my Christian brother,
Like savages every day.
4. An island in the. azure sea
Where I just now should like to be,
This British climate suits not me !
5. University oars,
In choosing their shores,
Revert, as a man,
To a simple plan.
6. He put his thumb unto his nose
And spread his fingers out;
Which, as our code of manners shows,
Was this beyond all doubt.
7. People going to the play
Though they very well might pay,
Dearly love a free entrde.
8. Vessels of wood
Were once held good,
But now our mariners we environ
With triple plates of the strongest iron.
SOLUTION or AcROScl, 'No. 356:--Tsarerna, Mar-
riage.-Trim, Sala, Archer, Robur,'Ennui, Vesta, Nett-
ing, Artiste.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS O ACROBTs No. 856, received 28th
January :-Alfti; Charley and Ti; Peggotty; Spheroid; Smug;
Ruby's Ghost; Shoo-fly; Row; P. W. R.


FUNT.


TEETH EXTRACTED.
W. G-DST-E, .Dentist.


ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
Mn. T-m-s C-RL-E has issued the following address to'the Electors
of Chelsea. The authenticity of the document may be considered. as
unquestionable as that of the celebrated "writ of pains and penalties"
with which Mr. Gladstone was testede T. G. in the Times) recently
served.
"Windbags, Copper Captains, Inept-Incapables, Sonorous Shams,
Mud Volcanoes, Wild Sahara Waltzers, and Blatant Buffoons.
I have read the requisition you have had the impudence to send
me. I have bidden it to get gone into the Infinities. Lying is not
permitted by the eternals; and "this globose; world, whose very crust
is adulterated by snub-faced, rogue-hearted, catechism-reading, hypo-
critic, sham geologists, is going topsiwards with an alacrity of Niagara-
tumble and velocity of universal-smash towardness very noticeable
to remark. We have shot Niagara and killed the crdw. I stand for
your Borough ? The Dismal Science forbid! What do their prescient
eyes see around them ? Nothing but able editors reeling off men-
dacity on reels marked 1,000. yards when cnly 500 yards of cotton
have been duly spooled, much to the ultimate discomfiture of confiding
Caffres; public analysts, unable to analyse their own muddle-headed,
unveracious, chalk-and-cheese padded brains; eminent physicians, im-
potent to cure their own eminent chilblains; schoolmasters teaching
nothing but the way to get Six Towels and a Silver Fork and Spoon;
Ashantee wars, carried on blindly in blood and blundering, to the
enslavement of much-prayed-at over-emancipated Quashie; Houses of
Lords going into liquidation with Bohemian earls refusing to pay for
their black doses, and setting much-outraged County Courts, with their
,long-suffering bailiffs, exigents, gridiron-commitments and Holloway
Gaol warrants at defiance, and smoking eighteenpenny cigars the
while tobacconists howl unpaid, and Themis sits up yonder with patch
scarcely veiling the sore eye she has got by weeping at the world's
knaveries and cheats and royal and noble shams, from which Russo-
Greek=Sailor-Prince Tartarian marriages (with much blubberous


whale-oil adulation about them) are not to be excluded. To stand for
Chelsea, then-this sulphureous express-stupidity running into mineral
train unveracity age considered-would be a standing on the point of
a red-hot spear-needle upright there in the middle of a Devil's Acre'
very fuliginous to smell, very hot to the feet-and will be yet hotter-
-of Right Honourable Noodledum and doleful creatures having the
honour to be. Altogether, seeing but a mad Vesuvius, upward-
.spuming of froth and fume, gas and gaiters, sanctimonious Ex-High
Statesmen, People's Williams making flesh and blood speeches on
,Blackheath which were better made in Bedlam, the conclusion is not
to be avoided, though bishops-may hint at it that there is nothing
below us but petroleum, pirate of potash and dynamite, with dead
Vauxhall fifty thousand additional lamps all blent in one lurid flame-
cataract of blue blazes-I stand for Chelsea! varlets, begone!
"Cave of Despair, Feb. 1st." "T-T---s C--M--E.

Forewarned-Forearmed.
DOUBTLESS with a patriotic motive the Society for the Encourage-
ment of Arts, Manufactures, and Commerce has offered its gold medal,
or 20 for the best Revolution Indicator." Students in this branch
of science will do well tomaster the past history of the whirligig of
Time"
The Florin Floored.
A soVEnEIGx is conveniently divided into eight half-crowns;-to
abolish the cherished friend of our schooldays would be the 'eighth of
ingratitude.

Needled.
CAN it be sail that Government leaves no stone unturned to secure
the honour of England so long as Cleopatra's Needle is buried in the
sand?


Cl












"I







FUi.


[FEBRUARY 7, 1874.


SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 1874.
A SKETCH ON THE LoNDON AND VERY WORST'UN.


MRS. BROWN ON DISSOLUTION.-MARTHA IN
DREAMLAND.
I'M sure when I see by the papers as Parlymint 'ad been and dis-
solved all in one night, jest for all the world like a suddin' thaw
a-settin' in, it give me quite a turn; that it did, and my fust thoughts
was Wolly, for I says, In course he won't get out of prisin now
through a-sayin' as he wants to go into Parlymint, when there aint no
Parlymint for 'im to go into; and no doubt that were the little dodge
of that there Gladstin to get rid on 'im as must be a great nuisance in
Parlymint a-goin' on with 'is larks when they're all busy, and
a-singin' all about the place as don't sound well when you're
a-talkin' serious; and no doubt they was all werry glad when he was
shet up, as he will be for ever, 'cos in course he aint a-goin' to pay the
money when he says he won't, so he can't get out of prisin, and then
they'll start the new Parlymint without 'im the same as they served
Lady Wittles down at Brighton, years ago afore railroads come in, as
'ad took 'er place by the Coach to go up to town, and couldn't get out of
'er lodgins' as was drorin' rooms, through a grand pianer, as the men
was a-takin' away bein' got jammed on the stairs, and nobody couldn't
pass up nor down, and so 'er ladyship were fixed on the landin', as
were that lusty as would 'ave cost 'er 'er life to 'ave dropped from a
first-floor winder; so the Coach went and left 'er behind, and though
she did take a po'shay weren't hever able to get it out of the company,
as proved as they'd waited for 'er over seven minnits and nearly lost a
wager through it; as were to get from Castle Square to Elephant and
Castle under four 'ours, as were drove by a real live Barrernite
though he took his 'arf-crown from you jest the same as if he'd been
nobody."
Well Brown he come into supper full of 'is paper, and this 'ere
disserlution, as he called it, of Mr. Gladstin.
Well," I says, I 'eard as he 'ad a bad cold, but didn't think as
that were a sign of approaching' disserlution, as the sayin' is; and to
think as he should go and leave a last dyin' speech and confession like
Greenacre, as murdered Annie Brown over in Camberwell, and took
'er about with 'im piesmeal in parcels for days, a willing But," I


MY CAT.
I HAvE a cat-a very old cat-
Bitten and battered and all of that,
Since first on my knee by the fire she sat-
How many years ago ?
And the world goes up and the world goes down,
And Fortune may smile, or Fortune may frown,
But that she will be glad when I come from town
Is one of the things I know.
I don't know much, I am free to confess,
And if I made to-morrow the world one less,
If any would miss me I cannot guess,
Saving a dog and cat.
And they, I suppose, would learn in a week
From other people their food to seek,
And put me by as some dream antique,
Just to be wondered at.
Well, I don't blame her! She claims my knee,
Though inconvenient the time may be,
And I want to work-but she fancies, she
Knows what must suit me best.
And if in despair I go to bed,
Because all chances of work are fled,
She gives up her place on my knee, and instead
Comes and lies on my chest.
Cat, old cat! Do you quite forget ?
Do you feel no sorrow and no regret ?-
Happy are you, if you never fret
Over the vanished past!
So-supposing I die to-night---
Don't let it harm your appetite,
Be your skin as sleek, and your heart as light,
As long as life may last.
For the eyes that to-day in mine may gaze,
And the lips that whisper their love or praise,
May quite forget me some of these days,
And when the grass has grown
Over the mound my grave has made,
My memory out of all minds will fade,
And the very spot where I am laid
Be utterly unknown.


says, "I can see through it, as were that Gladstin's dodge, a-tryin' to get
Queen Wictorier over to Roosher, out of the way and then he'd 'ave
played nice games a-dissolvin' this and distablishin' that." Says Brown,
"he aint dead only been and dissolved Parlymint." "Oh," I says,
" aint he then ? I say I don't care wot he does so as he'll do away with
them lickers laws as is downright tyrannicle, I considers, and don't
care who says they aint, and let them as likes tea-leaves stood to be
cold, and toast and water, drink 'em, but not begrudge their feller
creeturs a drop of beer nor yet sperrits in moderation."
So, Brown, he got a-readin' all about it, and I set a-listenin' like
a mouse, but couldn't 'elp a-sayin', "Oh! Oh! Mr. Gladstin, that's
it, is it ? You're afeard as you'll get it 'ot from Parlymint for a-goin'
to war with them blackamoors without askin' leave fust." Says
Gladstin, a-glarin' at me from behind 'is papers, That's all that
frizzle-'eaded Dizzy's rubbish. Why," he says, Queen Wictorier
can make war when she likes." Alh," I says, "but that's a civil
war as she'd make, through bein' too much the lady for to go a-firin'
on a lot of naked blacks a-runnin' away with their backs turned."
" Yes," she says, with a sigh, a-drinkin' 'er tea out of 'er sarcer, with
'er feet on the fender as natural as if she were flesh and blood. Oh!
Mrs. Brown! Mrs. Brown! the life that man do lead me nobody
wouldn't believe, as is the reason as I goes to Scotland so much, to
get rid of these Ministers." "Ah !" I says, "no doubt, not but wot
you can get rid of ministers in Scotland, for I'm sure there's plenty
on 'em there." "Ah!" she says, "but they don't come a-dictatin'
to me, but always 'as a word in season for me jest as I likes."
But," I says, why not try old Frizzy Dizzy, as they calls 'im ?"
"Oh !" she says, bless you, I give 'im the offer of the place last year,
and the hairs as he give himselff was quite sickenin', a-wantin' this
thing and that all altered, and a lot of old fashioned ways as was all
my grandmother, and so I told 'im, 'cos," she says, as to the Church
a-bein' in danger, why that's the Church's business, not mine."
" Why," I says, through bein' at the 'ead on it, I do think as you
might wake them parsins up a bit." *
Oh !" she says, "bless you, they don't mind me any more than
if I was the Pope, and when I tells 'em as they didn't ought to be a-







FUN.


kneelin' all over the place, they says they aint a-kneelin', they're
only a-bendin' of their knees, as is wot I calls a prevarication, and
if one of my boys 'ad done it to me I'd 'ave give' 'im a good warming'
with my own royal 'ands."
I says, "and right you would 'ave been," but I says, "for ,my
part I think it's best to let them parsins 'ave their own way, cos,"
I says, nobody but them as agrees with them don't attend to wot
they says, and them as don't 'old with their ways don't care, and a
good many thinks as they're all wrong together, so what does it
matter; only, in course, it gives you a deal of trouble." Ah,"
she says, "it do indeed, as would be a great thing off my mind if it
was distablished, no doubt." "'So it would-be,".I says, only but for
the loaves and fishes, as the saying' is."
Says Gladstin, a-lookin' werry winegar wisaged, Queen if you're
a-goin' to listen to that old woman!s rubbish"-" Well," I says,
"that's manners any'ow, and as to bein' old, when I dies of old age
you'll quake for fear, my boy, as 'ave -wore a deal better than you' as
looks as if birds 'ad been a-buildin' in you, and that's where old
Dizzy 'ave got the pull through.a-doin' of 'is 'air that neat as is 'ow
he gets the ear of the house I've heardd say."
Im get the ear of the housee ?" says Gladstin, with a sneering grin.
" Well," I says, you needn't begrudge it 'im, for you've 'ad a pretty
good innins for many a year, and ought to 'ave took care of yourself
and your friends, too."
I see 'imn give a frown, and forgot as Queen Wictorier were present,
or should not, in course, 'ave illuded to perkisets, as is things she
don't hold with, so I says to 'er, as set them a-smilin' like Madame
Tussor's Royal waxwork, jest to change the subjic, I says, "It's
lucky as you didn't go, your Majisty, over to Roosher, and be fetched
back to find Parlymint upset, and every think sixes and sevens, as
the sayin' is." But I says, "Talking of that, certainly it is good
news to 'ear as that there people's Willyim, as they calls 'im, 'ave
been that.savin' as there won't be no more taxes for us to pay, with
the dooty off every think, jest like soap and sugar; and 'ow he can
'ave saved the money I can't make out; but I did 'ear as he'd give
up a-goin' to Greenwich, for to 'ave them whitebait dinners."
Yes," says Gladstin, a-chimin' in, I'll let old Dizzy 'ave them
all to itselff, and if they gives 'im the bile 'arf as bad as they've give
it me, he won't 'ave no sich time on it, and then 'avin' to listen to that
rubbish of a Queen's speech." Says Queen Wictorier, a-lookin' that'
merjestic at 'im, Mr. Gladstone, you 'ave a perfect right to call it
rubbish, for you makes it all yourself, and that's why I never cares
about opening' Parlymint, 'cos I don't know what you've been and
put down for me to say, and it aint pleasant to my feeling's for to see
in the papers the next day all about the bad English as I've been and
spoken."
Ah!" I says, your Majisty's right, and now we're on the subjic,"
I says, wotever is the use of Parlymint as seem to me is out of
fashion like juries, and Lord Mare's day." Queen Wictorier give a
cough, as much as to say "right your are." "I should like abit more
sugar in my third cup." Says Gladstin, "you've made mine down-
right serrip."
I looks up, and there was that old Dizzy a-grinnin' behind his chair,
and a-sayin' "it's lucky as some one can sweeten you a bit," as made
Queen Wictorier bust out a-larfin' and, in course, Gladstin he
grinned, as in dooty bound, but give me a look as much as to say wait
till I gets 'im on the floor of the house, and then I see Dizzy take a
sight at 'im as ketched Queen Wictorier's eye, as checked 'im in a
instant with a look, and there set old Bright with 'is ankercher over 'is
knees a-takin' of 'is tea and eatin' a muffin like a lamb.
So I says to 'im, "you're a nice old party, but a jolly old 'umbug
for to be in with this 'ere Willyim and 'is wars, as belongs to the
Peace Society."
He didn't say nothing through 'avin' of 'is mouth full; but old
Dizzy he says, "'ear, 'ear," as seemed to rile old Bright, and got his
quaker temper up; and he were a-goin' to speak but Queen Wictorier
says to 'em, Let dogs delight to bark and bite," jest like a mother,
and speaking' as made old Dizzy wipe 'is eye, and he wanted for to
wipe Gladstin's too, only Willyim wouldn't 'ave it, and as to Queen
Wictorier she says, I'm sure you aint no call to twit one another
with what you do, 'cos," she says, "it's well-beknown as John Bright
would 'ave been 'ead of the harmy if I'd 'ave let 'im, though not
'ave gone to no wars 'isself, and one time Gladstin were mad to be
Archbishop of Canterbury, and as to Dizzy he did go to Rome, only
didn't stop 'cos he couldn't get 'isself made a Cardinal. So don't
none of you talk, for the work I've 'ad to keep you in your places
nobody knows."
"Ah !" I says, "no doubt your grashus 'ave, and a-givin' of their-
selves hairs, one a-sayin' as this aint my work, and another a-turnin'
up their noses at the wittles, and then a-threatenin' to go to the
country to better theirselves, as may find theirselves in the wrong
box, but," I says, a-turnin' on Gladstin, "you aint said a word about
wot you're a-goin' to do with the 'stablishid Church."
He give me a wink, a-pintin' of 'is thumb over 'is shoulder at John


Bright as see 'is little game, and turns on 'im si
go the wrong way, and if he didn't pretty n
" Pat 'im on the back, your Majisty," but she
if she wished all the lot choked. So up I ju:
thump a-tween the bladebones.
Where the deuce are you a-comin' to," says I
Jest then I found as I'd been and pitched for'arc
a-settin' oppersite me a-finishin' up 'is supper, a
let get cold through bein' dropped up in 'is paper,
a-readin' to me, though I did keep a-snortin' out_ ...... ocry now
and then, a-makin' believe as I were a-listenin'. I were sound asleep
all the time, as must be my, cold as makes me that 'eavy after meals,
not as all I 'eard could be dreams, leastways if it were, all as I says is
dreams don't always go by contrairys, as the sayin' is.

AN ELECTION PETITION.
Pav,, good-electors,
Both lay and rectors,
Suspend your sympathies and make your notes,
And while attention
Is roused, I'll mention
That, with your permission, I want your votes.
Both Whig and:Tory
List to my story,
While I give opinions.keep silent throats,
I'm quick in stating-
All humbug hating-
That, with your permission, I want your votes.
This ballot voting
Tis worth while noting
Is hard on all of those who've turned their coats,
But quids cause thinking,
So think (while drinking)
That, with your permission,' I want your votes.
My word I'll pledge now,
Nor shift nor hedge now,
To vote the way that best your wants promotes,
So once again, sirs,
I tell you plain, sirs,
That, with your permission, I want your votes.
In this election
I scorn rejection,
For with all promises remembrance quotes,
As I'm a sinner
I'll be a winner-
I'll promise anything to get your votes.

gsftxw s to Ginuaspomus.,
C We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accomn
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
SAx.-The joke has the misfortune to be venerable but not respected.
J. B. (St. James's-street.)-We await your reply.
DBAATricus.-Buy the "Era Almanac and don't worry us about first
appearances. We can only guess that the actor you name occurred be-
tween Thespis and James and Thorne. Perhaps his real name was Smith,
but that's no business of yours.
PEACE SOCIETY.-We wish you would leave us in peace, instead of
boring us with your paragraphs.
Axc us.-Yes, you are,-an awful cuss!
SnvANus (Burnley.)-We don't insert even such poetry as yours, if it
has already appeared in print.
J. B.-We do not depart from our rules for anybody. If a distinguished
candidate for Greenwich sent us comic copy without enclosing a stamped
and directed envelope, he would not get it back.
ANxious. (Hackney.)-We should as soon think of printing verse with
only two lines rhyming out of four, as of spelling "idiot" with two t's.
This is not intended to be personal.
K. (Southampton.)-No, thank you.
S. M.-We are deeply grateful-but the MS. didn't arrive.
Declined with Thanks :--B., Liverpool; Welcome; D. P. R.; St. Mun-
go; T. h., Rhyl; X. Y. Z.; H. B. L., Pall Mall; D., Leeds; G. R., Hol-
born; Sawnie, Glasgow; F. J. B., Borough; Barber; T. S. C.; F. H.,
Pentonville; T. W., Colchester; E. A. L., Liverpool; L. W., Alford; H. C.,
Lincoln's Inn; J. S., Pall Mall; A Theorist; J. McK. W., Dublin; H. H.
L., Leeds; Captain Cuttle; The Inevitable; 'A. F. J., Camden-road; H.
R., Wadebridge; J. B. H., Newcastle-on-Tyne; -, Belfast; R. D. H.,
Barnsbury; Smithers; A. E. B., Southport; B. B.; S., Syndey; J. T. C.,
Chetford-road; F. H., Nottingham; -, India Office; C. M., Galeshiels;
M. A.; F. H. H, Northampton; A Confirmed Gambler; P. F. H.,
Junction-road.


FEBRUARY 7, 1874.]







FUN.


[FEBRqAaY 7. 1874.


CAPITAL.
Attendant :-" I BEG PARDON, MADAM, BUT--ER-BONNETS-ER-ARE NOT ALLOWED I"
Indignant Lady :-" IT'S NOT A BON-NET."


THE POETRY OF THE FUTURE.
MR. FuN, SIR,--The advance of science is not without its effect
upon our poetry, and much of what was anciently the domain of pure
prose has been of late considered to belong properly to verse. What
I complain of is, that there is still a fatal tendency to admire the
in accuracies of the old school. Some years ago a learned critic
pointed out the absurdity of saying with Milton-
"No light, but rather darkness visible."
He very properly contended that as darkness was the negation of
light, and light was necessary for sight, therefore darkness could not
be visible, Q. E. D., and he suggested a beautiful line :-
"No light, but rather a transpicuous gloom."
instead of the original. The emendation was not generally adopted.
Let me draw your attention to another case. What two lines
have been thought much more of than Campbell's couplet-
"'Tis the sunset of life gives me mystical lore
And coming events cast their shadows before."
And yet, Sir, though the first line is unmeaning in itself, the second
line positively stultifies it. In the first place, if we adopt the
metaphor literally- it is not true that things nrno-raainty tnw.rds


sunset cast their shadows before; and, in the second place, events
in the future, that is to say events which are in front of us must cast
their shadows behind them if we are to get to the shadow before the
substance. So whichever way you take it, Campbell must be wrong.
I suggest-
"I suggest 'Tis the close of man's life gives prophetical mind
And future events cast their shadows behind."
I am not quite sure that a future event can have a shadow; but,
letting that pass, there can be no doubt that my lines are more true to
science and reason, and more like modern poetry than Campbell's wild
nonsense. Please use your influence with the publishers to get my
emendation put in future editions. Yours, NATUS NON FACTUS.

SLANDER BY A SLAVEY.-Blackening-the Grate.

NOTICE.-ON WEDNESDAY NEXT,
The GRAND VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER of FUN,
PRoFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENY..


FOR BREAKFAST.



CIO C0 LAT MEIER.
FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, February 7, 1874.







FEBRUARY 14, 1874.]


FPU N.


VALENTINES FOR THIS SEASON, POLITICAL AND OTHERWISE.


The Aceipted. The Dotbtful, and The Froblematieal.


TheHearty. The Hard, and The Unacceptable.


The Universal, Horse Foot Dragoon and Civil Service Double Distilled Valentines.


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
MORE reckless bungles of the Leader of the Opposition, corrected by
the Premier. Dizzy is so giddy! = More Conservatives elected by
the Licensed Victuallers. But how will they swim without their
Bungs. = Government desires Liberals to make "Union their motto.
If not the Conservatives will force Workhouse on them. = A fall
in the price of horseflesh is anticipated. Natural consequence of the
number of mare's nests discovered by Dizzy. = Bristol returns two
Liberals. Prefers immediate prospect of tax-remission to Conser-
vative bird's eye views. = Citizen Dilke now announces that he is not
a Republican. It doesn't much matter, except that Republicanism
may be complimented on the discovery. = Sir Alfred Slade did not
contest Taunton, as he couldn't at short notice find any one good
enough to be his colleague, Flattering. to the Carlton Club = The
F. G. who wrote to the Times about Mr. Gladstone and pains and
penalties" has since come out in his true colours. Still Grey should


be a neutral tint if not a true colour. = The Globe murmurs because
the people of Droitwich show a distaste for Mlacaronii an gratin.
Before we condemn the Droitwichers we should like to know what
anacaronii is-or, should it be, are ? = Valentine's Day. Double
Knocks et pre ieres nihil. = Mr. Gladstone gives his reasons for the
Dissolution. Leader of Opposition his Diz-solution of the reasons.


High Life below Stairs.
Tur increasing taste displayed by domestic servants for the
amusements of their employers is sufficiently indicated by the title of
a newly published work-" Cook on Billiards." When may we look
for Page on the Piano," Footman on Football," &c., &c. ?

A HAPPY BIRD ox ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.-The Wooed Pigeon.


VOL. X7s


(35





N







GFUN.


[I:i!HIUALYv 14, 1874.


PIOUS SCRUPLES.
Auntie:-" WELL, IT IS A PRETTY VALENTINE, ANNIE. Do YOU KNOW WHO SENT-IT ?
Annie:-" YETH, 'ITTLE FRANK 'TANLEY, HE'TH MY FEETHEART !
Auntie :-" 'HY, I THOUGHT IT WAS GEORGIE "
Annie:-" No, I DON'T LIKE GEORGIE, AUNTIE, HE'TH THO VERY WICKED IN CHURCH. Do YOU KNOW HE EATTHS A GREAT BIG LOT OP
HARDBAKE THERE EVERY THUNDAY, AUNTIE, AND NEVER GIVTH ME A BIT "


THE STRAITS OF MALACCA.
A VALENTINE TROM D- I TO G- E.
WHO swopp'd England's rights in the Straits of Malacca
To mynheers, bemused in schiedam and terbacker* ?
Who'd hold down Britannia while Frenchmen did whack her ?
Who'd egg on the bigots to thumbscrew and rack her ?
Whose prolix orations are tinsel and lacker P
Whose actions than all Day and Martin are blacker ?
Whose Homer's all cribb'd from Professor von Zacker ?
Who libell'd the mem'ry of Cardinal Pacca ?
And sneered at the words of the late Mr. Thacker ?
Ay, who, if his grandmother liv'd, would attack her ?
Who scuttled (when young) a Sicilian po'acca ?
And poison'd the Parmesan cheese in the macca-
roni of the skipper (a person named Vacca) ?
Who, neathh Marlow Bridge, ate the famed puppy pie ?
Who killed the poor man with the cast in his eye ?
Who brib'd Davy Jones and the clerk of the weather,
And dash'd the Northfleet and Munllo together?
S"I wants a screw of terbacker, and that's what's Ihe matter with me."-Liffe
7:,- tches.


Who (merciless fiend!) dress'd in volunteer's togs,"
Went out, and with malice prepense shot six dogs ?
Who sold us red ink, and then called it cheap claret ?
Who keeps a hypothenuse in his back garret ?
Who wrote, nerv'd by vitriol mix'd with his tea,
The Chesterfield Letters of Seventy-three ?
And sent three and sixpence (in stamps) to Luie ?
The man whose grave History'll mark with a sad stone '
That most reprehensible party called G-DST-E.

A Town ossifer.
ALTHOUGH the town of Reading possesses the usual municipal
authorities, the general public care less about Reading's mayor than
about Reading s'oss.

Miss Tabby tabooes.
VALENTINES are strictly forbidden at Straightlace Seminary: odds
we'll take that the lady principal will smell a rat(-tat) on the i4th!

A ROUND or APPLAUSE.-The postman's on Valentine's Day.








FEBRUARY 14, 1874.]


FUN. G1


A FEW OF THEM.

1. V-lentine believed to have been srnt from Mr. Wh-ll-y to Mr. Gl-d-ne. Clerk of the Weather and other habitual nuisances.- 7. Frnm Members of tI.
-- 2. Ditto supposed tobe on its way from Mr. Gl-d-ne to Mr. Wh-ll-y.-- School-Botrd to each olher. Authenticated.- 8. No doubt from Ihe Poblican
3. Probably from the Thames fish to the Vestry of Richmond.-4. Very likely to the Good Templars, or ice versa.-- 9. From usto thle Geutlemen who imnanno
from the horses frequenting CheapsidetotheCommissioner.ofPaving.--5. From the Railway accidents. No d ubt about tlis.--10. To the Public which be
Sir G-r-t W-y to King C--ee K-i.--6. Evidently from everybody to the the Accidents.


. -


I --







68 F NTi-. [FEnnUARtY 14, 1874.


FUIr OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 11, 1874.

ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.
POSTMAN's rat-tat-
Hearts pit-a-pat!
"Please, whose is that
Billet doux, prythee, say !
Oh, what! for me,'
Sure it can't be!
Do let me see! "-
'Tis St. Valentine's Day
Here it is said
"The rose it is red "-
But at last, an ill-bred
Little hint by the way,
Says in colour you smack
Of a personage black-
What a cruel attack,
On St. Valentine's Day!
But here's one you see,
Says If you love me
As I, dear, love thee,
Sheffield cannot purvey
A blade that would do
To cut love in two
Between me and you
On St. Valentine's Day."

MR. GLADSTONE has of course been returned for Greenwich, but
with Mr. Boord, at the head of the poll, for his colleague; whereat
the Conservative press sings paeans. There is not, however, very
much to shout about. "Boord" in old Scotch is "a joke;" and
surely a constituency which calls itself- and possibly as far as the
Conservative working-men" voters are concerned, spells itself-
Grinnidge, may be allowed its little joke, even though it isn't a
particularly brilliant one. Still it is a joke to suppose that any
intelligent beings should prefer to one of the most distinguished
statesmen of the age, a gentleman who is chiefly if not solely illus-
trious for the excellence of his gin. Thanks to the stupidity of the
publicans in imagining they will obtain from Tories even half-a-
quartern more advantage for their trade than they will from Liberals,
gin and beer will be largely represented in the new House of
Commons, and the Opposition benches will diffuse a general odour of
sweet wort. We could hope that, in the event of a Conservative
Ministry coming in, this influence would mean nothing worse than
"sparing at the spigot, to waste at the bunghole." It will probably
mean knocking the head out of the national cask altogether.


VALENTINES.
WE select from the numerous Valentines which have been sent us
the most affecting and beautiful one, which we give below.




PALL MALL GAZETTE.

3rd Feb., 1874.


SIt has been said that in reckoning up our
earthly blessings we are hugely ungrateful to one
of the greatest of them-Fun."




Mr. Rimmel has excelled himself this year in the beauty and variety
of his Valentines. His comic ones are playful but not vulgar, while
the orthodox ones, besides being of the most elegant designs, present a
new feature. Each contains a gift-such as a fan, a locket, a brooch,
decorative hair-pins, or a pair of articles, whose nature will be guessed
when we say that on the white satin which enfolds them is written
the motto oni soit quiT ml y pense. One Valentine, intended for the
sterner sex, is of oriental decoration and, contains a black and gold
Japanese cigar-case. In addition to all these are others with bunches


of beautiful artificial flowers, and yet others printed in colours in the
most tasteful manner.
Messrs Dean and Sons of Fleet Street also display an unrivalled
assortment of Valentines. Dainty little wicker b- ,kl containing
violets and snowdrops, Cupids, bow in hand, lurking among ferns and
flowers, and bewitching bows and bouquets decorate them, and must
make the purchaser's choice difficult. A capital comic one, intended
for a gentleman, shows What you were" and '"What you are ;', and
there are some funny ones for the little folks, with moveable
children ,f covering posts." But MIessrs Dean's triumph--indeed one
of the prettiest Valentines we ever saw-is a white satin heart,
adorned with lace, ribbon, and silver sprays. A tassel depends at the
point, on taking hold of which and, as it were, opening the heari, 1p, and
behold, a tiny model of a church springs up 'twin it. It m.iks one
sigh to think such pretty things were not inpntedl-
Or ever he came to forty year."


SPECIAL SPORTING.
Sia,-The reflection made by you at the close of my last article has
given me much pain, not that I care for what you say myself, fqr I
know you don't mean any harm, but because of the awful nmannr in
which the old man has been cut up and cast down by your remarks.
He takes it all in earnest, and I can assure you that your a'W of
confidence has nearly driven him to drink. You may take a horse to
the water, but you can't make him drink," says the proverb, a.11 you
may take a sporting correspondent, who is a sporting poet as well, to
the public-house, but you can't compel the landlord to serve him
without cash down, say I. This fact may or may not account for a
fair share of his depression, and I must admit that hitherto I have not
discovered the old boy to be'possessed of an extra large development
of the bump of reverence. So you can judge for yourself, as to w hy
we are miserable, and while you are j judging I will recite a few lines
of the old-un's which he gave off spontaneously for the purpose of
confuting your opinion about him. He calls them a word in season to
a shortsighted and forgetful editor.
When winter's icy hand
Has robbed us of our joys;
When on no course or stand
Is tumult, whirl, or noise;
When on no turf or moor
Bounds forth a racer fleet-
They turn us from the door
Of 80 in Fleet Street.
But, Editor, beware-
Beware, the time draws nigh,
When spring with aspect fair
Will bid our sorrows fly,
When handicapped all right
The horse'll take its spin,
And when you'll cry in fright
Turf bard, do please begin."
Then think of what we feel
Now, poor, forlorn, and old,
Too honest far to steal,
Borne down by lack of gold,
Without to welch a chance
Till racing comes once more-
Then give us pity's glance,
And-let's run up a score.
The writer says he could do any quantity of that, but he's afraid
you might be jealous, and so he trusts that his modesty as well as his
forbearance will weigh with you, and cause you to grant the request
embodied in the lines. You must, of course, be aware that during the
winter we are not as flush as we are in the summer; and I don't my-
self think that you ought to forget that during the racing season,
when we've "pulled it off well," you've neyer scrupled to relieve
yourself of a temporary embarrassment at our expense. Though why
you should call 'em temporary I know not. But I should be the last
to remind you of past favors, and therefore will not do so, but will
merely request a little more consideration at your hands during the
season when there is neither racing nor chasing on Cannobie Lea,
wherever that may be, nor anywhere else; and express a hope that
you will uis ypur influence in our favour with regard to that little
memorial which, with an inquiry fee enclosed, we have already sent
in to the respected and extremely worthy proprietors of the paper.
Auos'ru.

From M. F. H. to would-be M. P.
IN hunting, a good seat may carry a man first in the field ;-in a
political contest a man should be first in the field to secure his seat.





~'TJIX7-FEUBUARY 14, 1874. ___ ____


MISS BRITANNIA AND HER VALENTINES.


-I


11 -







FEn RUAfY 14, 1874.]


OH, AGONY I
Joy is a myth to me, mirth is a mockery ;
Earth is a dungeon and life is a chain.
Friendship and love are as brittle as crockery ;
Peace has departed and comes not again.
Long did I riot in healthful security,
Treading on roses unmixed with a thorn.
Little I thought that my fate and futurity
Haply might plant on my trotters a corn.
Lost are the days when my lot was a shiny one;-
Lost from the minute I felt on my toe
Something I fancied a wart, and a tiny one,
Mildly but firmly beginning to grow.
Never again shall I feel the tranquillity
Barn of a foot and a conscience at ease:-
Never again don a boet with facility,
Free from a sigh and a cry and a squeeze.
Some of my friends say I ought to put oil on it:
Others that vinegar acts as a cure.
Vainly I've wasted my time and my toil on it;-
Still I continue to grin and endure.
No;-in this worst of all possible maladies
Vinegar heals not, and oil is at fault.
Shall I at last have it drest as a salad is,
Adding the condiments pepper and salt ?
Daily and nightly my merciless visitor
Fills me with fury, and robs me of rest.
Never in Spain did the sternest Inquisitor
Frame such a torture as harrows this breast.
Oft, as I limp on my day's weary wanderings,
One of those little red-uniformed brutes
Puts to a stop my poetical pondering
By the suggestion of "Polish yer boots ? "


MUNIFICENCE.


S.I FTER the magni-
'ficent example
S -- of liberality and
public spirit set
S by Mr. Albert
S Grant (we hear
JL that he is forth-
/ir o with to be
created Earl of
Leicester, by
special arrange-
ment with the
present holder
of the title, who
will get a step
in the Peerage
as Marquis of
Cokescuttle) se-
Wi!LiJ,- veral noble and
wealthy person-
Sages are, it is re-
ported, about to
a---- make gifts of a
-most sumptuous
nature -to the
*peopleofLondon
-- --always with a
view towards
beautifying the
metropolis, and
never with the slightest desire to blow their own trumpet.
Mr. J. L. Toole intends to take Seven Dials in hand at once. It
may not be generally known that the house at the left hand corner of
Great St. Andrew Street was the Birthplace of Podgers. Podgers's
birthplace will be entirely rebuilt and decorated in the Renaissance
style, at the sole expense of Mr. Toole, who, having purchased seventy-
two undivided fourteenths of the freehold property of the Dials, is
prepared to go anywhere and do anything, including his well-known
imitations of eminent actors. At the corner of each of the seven
thoroughfares will be a dial of pure gold, jewelled in twenty-four
holes, with compensation balance, bottle-jack movement, eccentric
chuck, pretroleum escapement, and hair triggers, manufactured
expressly for Mr. Toole by Mr. J. W. Benson, who will "oblige"
with a song. Above the Dials will be seven pedestals, surmounted


respectively by the statues of Mr. John Hollingshead, Mr. Robert
Soutar, Herr Meyer Lutz, Mr. Lionel Brough, Mr. Talbot Smith,
Miss Constance Loseby, and Miss Nelly Farren. In the centre will
be an ornamental ice-cream fountain, with a statue of Mr. J. L. Toolo
himself. The pedestal will bear on its face the inscription, Ctclo
supinas si Tooleus manus." On the back will be engraved the well
known observation of Ammianus Marcellinus," Still I am not happy."
The execution of these statues has been entrusted to seven eminent
carvers attached to the ateliers of Messrs. Spiers and Pond.
P.S. At the last moment we hear that the ice-cream fountain is to
be upheaved by a hundred-horse-power engine, devoted to the pre-
paration of baked potatoes. Mr. Toole is to be made a baronet, with
the title of Sir J. L. Toole, of Tatir Khan :-who says he can't ?
The New Cut is to have a pro-cathedral built in its midst. The
edifice will be surrounded by a cry, Old Close." For this we shall
have to thank the celebrated Hebrew millionaire, Sir Sheeny Three-
hats, Bart., of Brobdingnag Gardens and Cloth Fair.
The Haymarket (including Panton Street) is to be entirely purified,
swept, garnished, and provided with eight evangelical chapels, a room
for missions and mothers' meetings, a convalescent home, two Deal-
Board Schools, and a moral tripe shop, at; he cost and charges of the
ghost of the late Duke of Brimstonswick.
Cow Cross is to rise like a phoenix from its ashes. A national
vaccine establishment will be erected in th illong-neglected neigh-
boarhood, at the expense of an anonymous benefactor, who merely
wishes to be known under the sobriquet of A Taker of Methusaleh's
Pills from the first."
There have also been forwarded to us by a number of modest
philanthropists, whose delight is to Do good by stealth, and blush to
find it fame," several packets of valuable securities, including cheques
on the (late) British Bank and the Bank of Deposit, and fully paid-up
shares in Overend Gurney (unlimited) and the Albert and European
Assurance Companies, together with paper currency to the amount of
1,370,000 dollars of the Confederated States of America. The donors
wish their gifts to be applied towards covering the dome of St. Paul's
with tinfoil, painting Temple Bar pea-green, erecting a statue of Guy
Fawkes in Parliament Street, building a music-hall in Millbank
Prison, establishing a fund for enabling Aldgate Pump to run Red
Heart Rum for ever (Sundays excepted), and washing the Lions in
Trafalgar Square in honour of the approaching return to England of
Mr. Bradlaugh.

EX-Q.C. MOI
UNLUCKY counsel deem it very hard,
Whether in stuff or silk, to be disbarr'd.
The potent bigwig easily enough
Clears from its Inn of Court mere "outer" stuff-
But when to inner" silk it home refuses,
The matter ends by making but ex-Q.C.'s!


A Story with a Moral.
COLONEL STILWELL, striving against Mr. John E. Corwin for the
" social leadership" of Anderson, Indiana, found himself a bankrupt,
and under an indiement for felony. So he took his revolver, and
went to shoot his successful rival. But Mr. Corwin seized his arm,
and made him turn his pistol against his own head and blow out his
own brains. The Sew York Times thinks that the story carries with
it a very obvious moral." The moral is twofold. 1. Social leader-
ship in Indiana may be aimed at in various ways. 2. If you want
to shoot a very strong man it is best not to go too near him.

Worsted.
IN his address to the Electors of the City of London, Alderman
Cotton-a member of the School Board-observed dpropos of the
Income Tax:-
This was imposed by Sir Robert Peel purely and simply as a war tax, but which
has since been maintained.
Must not Mr. Cotton's ideas of grammar have gone wool-gathering,
when he but "ted at the tax in that way ?

But me no but-er!
WE really wonder how any respectable paper can take the money
of this deluded advertiser:-
WANTED,a regular supply of AYLESBURY BUTTER, to be delivered twice a
week in Loneon.-Address, with price and full particulars, to R. A., etc.
After the late speech of the Leader of the Opposition, delivered at
Aylesbury, the obvious course for R. A. to pursue is to address with
price and full particulars to B. D., Hughenden Manor."

EFFECTS OF THE BALLOT.-Less blackguards-more placards.


FUN.







14-U N


FOR AND AGAINST.
First Speaker:-" THOSE CONSERVATIVES SEEM TO BE GAINING THE LARGER NUMBER OF MEN."
Second Ditto:-" THe LIBERALS HAVE THE LARGER MEASURES."
Third Ditto :-" THE CONSERVATIVES ARE GETTING A SURPLUS OF VOTES."
Fourth Ditto :-" THE LIBERALS HAVE THEIR SURPLUS IN MONEY."
First Ditto:-" THE CONSERVATIVES ARE LIKELY TO WIN THE DAY THIS TIME."
Second Ditto :-" To LOSE IT AGAIN THE NEXT."


A SKETCH.
Miss JANE DELAINE, I should explain,
Was most preposterously vain;
And, what did not this moral blot
Abate, she was a damaged lot.
Her snout, without a decent doubt,
Had broken been, and banged about.
Awry she'd hold one eye asky,
The other to the ground apply.
All bare of hair, with fitful glare
Her head gleamed with a radiance lare;
By day, with beamy ray wouldd play
On objects half-a-league away,
But shone when thrown upon its own
Resources best; when day had grown
To night, if not so bright, its light
More luridly surprised the sight.
The sin of gin, from brow to chin,
Had dyed her sanguinary skin;
With red 'twas underspread; instead
Of blooming in the cheeks-it bled!
Much more the store of charms galore
This trollop had, I might explore,
But hold! My pen's too bold--I'm told
The lady had a mine of gold!
I pray I may not have to say
I ever slandered woman. Nay,
Some grace in ev'ry face I tracc-
Miss Jenny's was a striking case.


But where 'twas fair I can't declare,
I think it had a certain air-
Connected with, I recollect,
A sort of general effect.

Oa the Boil.
A NORTHERN firm thus advertises in the Telegraph :
A PRACTICAL MANAGER WANTED for a sugar refnery in Greenock.
Will have a boiler under him. Must be a man of education, and experienced
either in sugar refining or chemical manufacturing. Salary t00 at first, etc.
We really do not think the salary is sufficient for a man, who is to
pass through life sitting over a boiler in momentary expectation of an
explosion. Few people nowadays care to have a at Ltue-still fewer
are ambitious for a bust!

A Suspicious Bundle.
"SIR CHARLES DILKE at last announces that he is not a Republican.
He might have said this with better grace on any other o -casion than
the eve of a general election. It can't have taken him all this time to
mike up his mind-if we are any judge of the size of a parcel.

Dissolved.
MRS. PRALAMOP, on hearing that there was a dissolution, and that
the Government was going to the country, blessed her stars she lived
in London, for she should never have been able to let her grand-
daughters go out-of-doors with a lot of dissolute m-mbers of
Parliament rampaging about.

PLEASING TASK FOR CONSTITUTIONAL CANDIDATES.-To win-in
a walk.


[FEBRUARY 14, 1874.


I






FEsBUARY 14, 1874.]


FUN.


'S


VALENTINES FOR THE MILLION.
1. A few specially selected for the Gold Coast. 2. The Latest from Ashantee. 4. A Valentine of the past.
8. There was a young lady, between me and you, 5. A Valentine of the present. (It is the custom to make little presents in
Who had so many Valentines she didn't knowwhat to do: Valentines; here's a suggestion; Useful a4 well as ornamental).
So she took some and left some withoutbeing read- 6. Fragment representing "Les belles lettres." It will' be noticed the lady
Absurd l She couldn't carry them all in her head. is quite alone; qmuite tesselate, in fact.


LT:


i l W


97Y"i^E'







F UN.


[FEBRUARY 14, 1874.


WRITE YOU AREI
Harry :-" WELL, JACK, WHAT'S rYOUR VALENTINE ?
Jack :-" OH, NOTHING; ONLY A LETTER."
Harry (who has received an intimation from the Court) :-" Ali! SOMETHING
LIKE MINE; MINE'S WRIT."


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
FEBRUARY.
IN the Cornhill we have thi conclusion of Young Browtn" whichh
is such an excellent novel that we grieve to see a distinct charge of
plagiarism, with parallel passages from Kinglake's riiimea,"
brought against its author. We had hoped Mr. Charles head was
the only literary working-jeweller of the age. An article oh t 'ruelty
to Animals" is clearly reasoned out, and on the whole right, though
with a slight tendency towards the put them out of their misery"
system, which is as a rule the cruelty of idleness.
We have received that exquisite little pocket-companion, Hoowltt's
Golden Albiitnac. It is one of the most compact, dainty, and complete
almanacs possible, infinitely superior to the bulky "high art"
contrivances with which people burden their pockets nowadays.
The Gentleman's does hot quite sustain the promise of the previous
numbl)er, but perhaps it is overweighted with serials. Mr. Forbes, Mr.
Cowden Clarke, and Dr. Leai-y contribute excellent papers.
Art gives us a most successful heliotype of Rubens's Fortune,"
with two other plates. The letterpress as usual exhausts all the


THE VALENTINE DOUBLE ACROSTIC,
No. 359.
THE Fourteenth, Feb. Year, Severity Four !
Here's Valentine come round once more: -
But he who should our bosoms stir,
Wrapt to the nose in costly fur,
And shod with skates, still idly lingers,
Where frosts attack his nimble fingers,
And blunt his dart, until, I ween,
It's point's an icicle so keen.
1. The Calendar for Seventy Three
No longer serves for you and me :-
Behind the fire just now I threw one,
Intending to begin a new one.
2. It is well that we should weep
O'er the solemn ocean-grave,
While the Northern breezes sweep,
Where they lie beneath the wave,
Who bade our flag victoriously fly;
But remember all the same,
That like him whom I would name,
They won a spotless fame,
Ne'er to die!
3. My Juliana bought a dress,
But what it was I could not guess-
Not poplin, satin, silk, merino,
Nor-but how can a chap like me know ?
4. Near the Celebes,
In the Banda seas,
In an island, whose name begins with B.
If you look in the map, you'll discover me.
5. He cocked his hat with a martial air,
And drew his sword, and began to swear,
And made use of a phrase that was wont to denote
A solemn intention of cutting a throat.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC, No. 357.-Weather too Mild:
Wart, Erato, Argo, Team, Houri, Easel, Reed.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 357, received 4th Feb. :-
Alfti; Charley and Ti; Scarr Wheel; X. Q.; Ozone; Pussy-
catemeeow ; T. S. W.; Pipekop's Pupils ; Making Lanterns;
Poacher; Spheroid; per Sebastian; Love; 11 ; Jenny Jones;
Anna IR.; Your Own James; Winkle; Row; Yerrip ; D. E. H.;
Nolo; Osiris; Cliff; Amazon; Ruby's Ghost; Susie M.
Truthful James; Ginx's Baby; F. S.; Biddy and Potter; Pantile;
$trah; Gyp; P. W. R.; Peggotty; Ardmore; Bruin; Brice;
Ejaybee; A. T. H.; An old Dove; Hoptop; Turk; Siderspolites;
Smug; G. F. J. H.; B. 0. H.


^.ussssas ta fDrrflspbrnits,
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, un.ess they are accsno
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
DoUBTFUL.-- To wilt" means to wither," but we fancy it is pure
American.
W. H. (Newbold-street.)-Envelope not stamped, and therefore-
W. P.B.!
S. (Green*ich.)-tbhanks.
Ml.-Much obliged for the cutting.
C. (Ipswich.)-Scarcely of importance enough for that.
Declined with Thanks:-A., Post Office; K, Bashey Heath; Jack;
P., Waterford; T. D., Liverpool; H. B., Norwood; L, Brighton; S. M. B.;
P., Norwood; W., Newcastle-on-Tyne; 0. R. J. 0., Aylesford; E. K,
Sutton; F., Liverpool; An Old Walrus; P. G.; R., Southampton; Tim;
G.W. K., New York; -, Medical Club; C., Wharfdale-street; J. P.,
Oxford; Voter; T. W., Islington; Income Taxidermist; F. C.; WV.,
Ryde ; P. N., Walworth-road; Poor Polly; Finsburian; G., Hackney; One
df Them; Blue Peter; X. Y. Z.; F., Camberwell; D, Newcastle-on-Tyne;
Fogged; H., Winchester; P. A., Cornhill; F. N., Tiverton; -, Peter-
i .


artl Lopics oi ho uday. uuiutgu.


FOR BREAKFAST.



SH COLAT MENIER.

FOR LUNCHEON.

Printed by JUDD & CO., IPhcenix Wolk.s, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, February 14, 1874,








FZTRauAUY 21, 1874.]


FIJN.


THAT'S IT.
Waiter, to Old Gent at Restaurant:-" TAKE ANY PASTRY, SIR ? "
Old Gent, to Waiter :-" YES, BRING ME A PANCAKE; WILL IT BE LONG?"
Waiter, to Old Gent :-" No, SIR, ROUND "


MATRIMONIAL.
WE have always had an admiration for the writers in the London
Journal, who as a rule guarantee a duke, two earls, and a few barons
per column, with peeresses to match, in their stories; but we fancy they
must feel beaten at their own game by the writer of the following
who contributes to the back page his desires for a suitable partner. May
he secure her, and when she is secured, may they be happy!
L.. S. W., twenty-one, dark, and considered handsome, lithe in figure, of the
medium height, and of a good family, would like to receive the carte de visit of a
young lady, a blond preferred. He is shortly going abroad, probably to Mexico,
or some of the republics adjacent, where he intends to make a name and fortune.
He is very ambitious, and intends joining an army where there is active service.
He wants a wife who would encourage his plans and undertakings. One who
would share with him the toils of a camp life, or who would rule in Courts. One
who would receive homage from the savage tribes of Northern and Central
America. or would maintain her husband's position as an officer and gentleman of
honourboth at home and at Court. He is of a very loving disposition, though rather
hasty, and to a lady who would do as he wished he would be an affectionate,
loving husband, companion, and protector.
We are not prepared to say anything about the camp life, but can re-
commend the advertiser a young lady who has by sheer force of
superior ability long ruled in Courts-those between Gray's-inn-lane
and Hatton Garden,-on the savage tribes of which we are prepared to
bet against any in North or South America. She'll want washing;
but what is dirt to a loving disposition" ?

"0,'Russ, Quando ? "-
WE learn from the Times' account of the Duke of Edinburgh's
wedding that:-
As soon as the marriage ceremony was over the Emperor, according to the
time-honoured custom of his dynasty, announced the auspicious event to the
inhabitants of Moscow by special telegram.
We should be glad to learn how long telegraphy has been time-
honoured" in Russia. It is considered rather a modern invention
here.


THAT EVENING BELL.
I PRAY you stop that doleful bell,
With its eternal tingling:-
Why should it pierce my ears to tell
That Prigg and Smugg are mingling
With that blest flock, which meekly sits
Under the Reverend Soberwitz ?
Obscurely let them nod or snorer
Or listen to the preaching;
To-morrow they'll return once more
To trade and overreaching,
And then no noisy bell proclaims
Their sanctity and moral aims.
So best-for if the bell conveyed
The news of every trick of trading,
Its tinkle would be simply made
Eternal, aye, and all-prevading-
We hear less of it, while it's dinning
When they are saints, not when they're sinning.

Bung on British.
Mr. CooPE, fellow-candidate of Lord Hamilton, in the Conservative
coalition of peer and beer, considered it the gentlemanly thing to
taunt an opposing candidate, Mr. Lehmann, as-
A foreigner who could not be supposed to have a perfect knowledge of the
English language.
Mr. Coope has gone round for orders to several constituencies, and
has been frequently on tap as an orator, and should have reflected that
if a foreigner cannot be supposed to have a perfect knowledge of
English, a British-born brewer should remember that his language
should be correct, and make sure that some of his sentences have not
been a little turned by recent atmospheric disturbances.


VOL. XIX. H


,77


7I








FU N.


[FriiuLAaY 21, 1874.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 18, 1874.
WANTED.
(A JOHN PARR D.)
WANTED, a Policy. Not too decided,
With several loopholes discreetly provided;
Colour no consequence, so that 'twill do
To dye well with Judson's political Blue.
Wanted a Policy-a Policy wanted,
Oh, very particularly wanted !
Wanted a Policy. One that will stretch,
To satisfy statesmen, who carry and fetch,
Provided with plenty of logical trash
As excuses forspending the national cash.
Wanted a Policy-a Policy wanted,
Oh, very particularly wanted!
Wanted a Policy. One that declares
For. prompt interference in foreign affairs,
And certain to get us erelong into trouble,
And run up the Income Tax charges to double.
Wanted a Policy- a Policy wanted,
Oh, very particularly wanted!
Wanted a Policy. Just to proclaim;
And no question asked from what quarter it came,
Obtained-from the Radicals, filched from the Whigs,
Or just---" in the name of the Prophet Ben-figs!"
Wanted a Policy-a Policy wanted,
Oh, very particularly wanted!
Wanted a Policy. Liberal price
For one that is handy, convenient, and nice;
Not wanted to last, but to make a good show.
Apply (stating terms) to B. Dizzy and Co.
Wanted a Policy-a Policy wanted,
Oh, so very particularly wanted!

WE, in conjunction probably with a good many other people, know
nothing about Mr. Morgan Howard beyond the fact that his name was
prominently posted on transpontine public-houses, to which, it is
therefore presumable, his opinions and his oratory appear suitable.
However, a reference to his address, dated from the Temple, indicates
his connection with the Bar proper, as distinguished from that of his
supporters. To judge from one instance of his political tactics we
should say he would command a successful practice at the Central
Criminal Court, supposing that Mir. Douglas Straight, jilted by
faithless Shrewsbury, does not come back to gobble up all the Old
Bailey briefs. We have have been favoured with the inspection of a ticket
issued by Mr. Howard.

Instructions as to Polling by Ballot.
Please fill up your paper as follows:
1 -HOWARD. I
2 LAWRENCE.
3 [ cUlRTHUR. I
A few other hints of a general character follow. Now, to the
intelligent and educated elector this card is simply an insult and
an impertinence. But to the uneducated voters-and thanks to the
headlong vehemence with which the Tories would fain leave the
Education question alone, they are many-y-the please fill up your
paper as follows" will appear as a mere formal direction, to be
followed on official grounds whether they mean to vote for Howard or
-not. This is an astute stroke of policy, which should at least bring
Old Bailcy.briefs to its inventor.

ON THE LATE ELECTION.
Br A LICENSED WIT.
DON'T be surprised that Beer and Gin
Have brought so many Members in:-
They are, it should be understood,
Elected for "the public's" good.

Redeeming Feature.
THE deeper a population is steeped in drink, the greater the "good
will" of the public-house.
Ma. DISAELI'S POLIcy.-A policy of assurance.


LITTLE LARRY.
EvER and ever so many years ago there was a little boy. You will
naturally assume that, at about the same time, there were many other
little boys; but it appears not. There had been a sharp frost some
few winters before, and it had killed them all off. When man cometh
up as a flower he takes his chance with the other flowers, and in a
severe winter the chance is against him. Still, as the frost in question
had occurred several years before the time of which I speak, it might
very reasonably be supposed that other little boys had sprung up in
the interval, but they had not. I suspect they were waiting to see
how the weather would turn out.
So it happened' that little Larry had no one to help-him play-to
aid and abet him in tracking-in mud on the parlour carpet; to hand him
down the gallipots of jam ; to hold the cat while he rubbed soap into
her eyes; to hammer the furniture while he smashed-the glassware-
to make existence less burdensome generally; to pass the time. True,
in all these various interests he might have compelled the assistance of
the little girls; but, aside from his aversion to enforced labor, there
were no little girls in the world. They had.all gone away-some to
Brittany for false hair, others to G-oloonda for diamonds, the-rest to
Siberia for furs, to Ashantee for husbands, and to Bath for einui.
-One day in his loneliness Larry went out into the kitchen-garden,
and lying down on the leaf of a pumpkin-vine fell into dejected
meditation on the vanity of human life. In about five minutes he
had exhausted the subject and went to sleep. As he lay Athere,
unconscious, a malicious old man, like Augspur's Fidus Achates, passed
that way, and happening to remember the eye he had lost.in one of
Larry's games of tip-cat, took a large forkfull of rich compost, and
spread it with fiendish copiousness about the root of the vine, whichc '
immediately began growing with surprising rapidity. When.'Lar y
'woke, he was -gliding through unfamiliar scenes, .past marvelic.us
towns, and across unexampled rivers. And he hadn't -any ticket!
His first impulse was to jump off, bat he --refiectedAthat iffie kldifhe
would break both legs, and be arrested, to keep him from bringingan
action against the company. Then, he sought the bell-cord, amainot
finding it, put his head over the-edge of.thespeeding leaf, andshoated
for the guard ; but that official did not-seem to be-about. So he.-went
to sleep again.
Presently there was an awful- crash; the vine he was on had come
into collision with a mineral vine, on a level crossing. Larry rose
into the sky. How long he continued to rise he never knew. He
had no means of numbering the days, for it was always high nocu.
He could see the earth spinning beneath, but so rapidly that he conu I
detect no marks on its surface ; and at last it was altogether out ot
sight, or seen only as a shining point. Finding himself booked for so
long a journey,; Larry began to fear he had been killed in the collision,
and felt very bad about it; but the direction in which he was travelling
gave him some comfort, at any rate. He reasoned very wisely for
one of his years-that death was a bad bargain, but an upward
tendency afterward was making the best of it; and he never for a
moment doubted that he should- soon arrive. at a place where there
were square leagues of parlour carpet-real Axminster-contiguous to
whole continents of adhesive mud; countless gallipots of jam con-
veniently arranged on accessible shelves ; myriads of wide-eyed cats,
and oceans of correlative soap; costly furniture ofmirror-like polish,
with hammers for its abrasion; stacks and Stacks of fragile glassware
poised critically upon boards that could be tilted with a breath-every-
thing tha tthe disembodied soul of a.good little boy could require for
its eternal felicity! Enchanted with the prospect, Larry began to
rather hope he was dead, when suddenly it began to thunder, and
fearing there might be a rainstorm, he ran under the branches of a
tree for shelter.
Very soon the storm burst upon him in all Its fury, and some of the
fury belonging properly to other storms. 'The thunder roared ; that
is, you know, the roaring. was the thunder. As- to lightning, I can't do
justice to the subject: it lightened everywhere, and all the time; ,and
there was a lot of reserve lightning that could'.nt get the ghost of a
chance to display its quality, but Larry made allowance -for this. Be
was a liberal youth. It rined cats 'and dogs; he had no soap :for the
eyes of the'cats, and the dogs bit him no end.
All at once the thunder, having nothing more to say, shut up ; ithe
lightning went away to bother the telegraph operators; the dogs ate
the cats, and scampered off to 'look for tin pans-to tie to their owntails,
and all was silent as the grave. Not a hush disturbed the profound
stillness. It was growing dark, too.
Then Larry heard the tramp of great feet, and a giant as high as
the-spire of a church passed by, looking neither to the right nor the
left, but saying, with measured solemnity:
This is the way to London town,
I'll go to the city and pull it all down
Next there passed a wrinkled old witch riding on a broomstick in
the same direction, and chanting.
This is the way to London town,
I'll carry St. Paul's off under my gown!


78







FEBRUARY 21, 1874.] FU JI 79

Then came a hunchback dwarf, no taller than a top-boot and covered The Nation and the Voter.
wither from head to foot who squeaked,-_ IW an -..iquent leader the Globe expresses a desire to know "what
This is the w apfiW udon town,
rl burn u saai eund steal the crown! phabb,%th.- future of the grand inheritance handed on, to us by our
fahftar'.-L-v which it means eitherthe British Empire, or a vote, or
Next,-nd-last, came a bhentiffulafiry, clad all in spangles from head. something of that sort. It then asks several p,-rti-yes, pertinent, not
to f6ot,pinging,- impertinent-questions about breaking traditions," and "rushing
This is the wa*toAithnto town, into unknown regions" and "yielding tangible results," and' keeping
SI'll visit the pe urn 'em all brown onlines" and one or two other similar matters of importance. It
"WeIIl,: bless my eyes!" saidiilittle Larry, when all hadpassed on next mercifully adds we do. not require, to: answer the questions; "
then; several errands; '"tbiwmae more disreputable, tramps using this and we're quite sure we don't, only-in that case why were they asked ?
road' than I ever saw inir myt life! and I'l bet my bottom penny Why- In order to lead up to, this ,new, unexpected, and thrilling
theyyama- all in receipt, aSmStledo.elief. Such, malicious vagabonds xliseoiery with which the article, exhausted, winds-up-
are-tlb4enatural produoaStloldbysre the lasting-reproach,.of a system- Tie-Byri*hnroter knows his own.interests; and,-truly interpreted, they coincide
of bharityinadequatsiiamsegnismaadievicious in organisation-; a system- ate6l%4piAta th those of the nation.
which- bya:speci e fgb aeieay wrenches -from the.;thriftythte. 4-witaBipusly for a leader to prove that,the nation knows -its
money: which: i t iuppmt i imnprovident: which r-,. oes-i owa.-inseresat,. and that,.truly interpreted, thqy coincide at all, ppnts.,
without-ggatatude Bliserinnatio n; thus, o theone. (eweep rpp p pabeer) wriththose of the voter.-
hand, repreaag uetainti etencourage, and, on-t _______
othr- stbimulate- .t cannot remove. Il 'bbgg
poveoy.,bntmwurdflatgelte-e d4estroys:tha forbearamsero/of-'t, "D.D. Honoe Rule.,
virtfionBs,whtlepropagtiMg theoices of theuaaibearing.:. UI4rtitt' Aae-. Digh, paper has been sent-us .containing the address ofMr.
systeatlih means or'Telief are no longer, bheaAee with alsarity :thy MtieKnfa.tatt.:[lctors of Youghal. It-commences thus-
are e ere ompla tey .nateeeived-ith hum 'Being .on the eve of Dissolntion. I .ataespeetfully seekyour
theytare 'obtained sitaingafBtadOe- ise ai.csgsathe honour f-represating ,you.-in Patrliament.
"fin bli this lh. h.zacu sf.t".Wwd-ittle Larry, -aitaiaa sAwa4Aie, sa4 the. spirit of, a- maa.who4, while in;,-xtreli,, is
finehaburishofblk 'ght hand-oi'abblhzMitbd natural system win chac ,aogoWt an election, wematow. that we didn't think-oe.
gs i atble t t f an oeof chatg ofachance. The Irih.ikespeetresas little as they, do
-ravert to~ th which is, indie 'i the undisciplined an S ad theyhavea-lsigjtow .ds..Bpirits..itistother
spontaneous,, thb+ wthimisical but ahboBuftW.impulses of the indi-.
vidual heart, anidyou may bid:al ongmdatj farewell to all such, -'
abnormal. nuisanues, as barbirouse, gAt a agalar witches, idiotic: -: #tture abhors a Vaone up "
dwarfs, and abominable fairies!" Mture abors aV u
With all possibNledeference to IibaryiAs;jg it, I suspect, however. ]wse meu n speakers are reminded thathbat'.they may think an
that the Poor I&awa have veryltlfnt sd&,sWifh the existence and es'btaigre speech only reveals an empty hea4. 1
maintenance of tbse wretchewA IsatteU.Na Athat if their vanity
were not so cons*atby-gr.atid4)Ah e mti eitTcweceive in literature,
they would natuual'Ota dieouts Uwf aaT find some way to Theatre Roy1al--t.Stqp.en's.,
do it. THE-" ordcr" syqtem is abolied ;---gneaBamblefAiS.ate.



LINES

Used to have lots of Valentines,
When he was young and life was new,
At present he is forty-two.
KHe's growing old and deaf end blind,
I --GAnd Cupid has become unkind;
-- He's growing grey, he's growing bald,
Il.And go the postman has not called.
Ah, fickle womankind-what's that ?
It sounded like the post's rat-tat,
AValentine! Ofelix pectus-
-I'No, hang it! Only a prospectus.

A "Fly" Highlander.
Lo -SAYs the Echo, a SAropos of Mri'. Lowe's
_last speech:-
r -No doubt it will be said that the mirth of Mr.
Lowe is the mirth of one vwho is, as the Scotch
Highlanders put it, "fly "-demented with the
unseasonable, unwholesome joy which precedes
and portends destruction.
So far as we know, the term fly is not
used by Hiihlanders outside the
boundaries of Whitechapel. Whether it
is used there, and, if so, what is its
meaning, the EEcho probably knows better
than we do.

King Koffee again.
SAVING. 0 R "little war" has been turned to
good account on the political platform-
Five Year Old.:-" I sAYs, PA, YOU NEED NOT PAY A LOT OF MONEY FOR ME TO LEARN another instance of the growing influence
THE PIANO ?" Of the war-king man.
P ster:-" WHY -NOT, MY BOY'?"
Five Year Old:-"BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE GOT TO DO IS TO PUT A HANDLE TO IT; THEN (CuBE-)R OTED AVERSION, Wishing
I CAN PLAY ALL DAY LONG, LIKE THE IMEN IN THE STREET." the dice-box in its last throes.







80 F U N [FEBRUARY 21, 1874.


THE RECENT ELECTION.
ATROCIOUS LIBERTY TAKEN WITH A GENTLEMAN IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF BELGRAVE SQUARE.


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
DizzY returns to the House with a large maginbeerority. His
policy will be to keep quiet, while his supporters keep stills. =
Garibaldi telegraphs his sympathy with Germany. Fought against it a
few years ago. Ought to be extinguished with his own night-Caprera.
= Deaths of many distinguished men. Mors not Januar, but Februar,
vitee. = Spain still divided between the Republican't and Carlistless
parties. = President McMahon shows a disposition to play his own
trump. Well, it's no use leading up to the King. = Saturday Review
gives an article on men of one idea." We were deluded into buying
the number in expectation of biographies of the staff. = More railway
accidents. Even a general election cannot throw railway regularity
out of gear. = Tichborne case summing-up still proceeds. Who will
sum-up the Chief Justice ? Will A Juror oblige ?= Ashanti War
reported to be at an end. No matter! the Conservatives will soon
plunge us into a bigger one. = The. German Ambassador has just
assured the Austrian Minister that Germany will never interfere in
Austrian politics." This looks as if another Sadowa were on hand.
- East Surrey again returns Mr. Watney. Remote mons may yet
hear his maiden speech. = Morgan Howard was not returned for
Lambeth. As Slick observed, "Life is not all beer and skittles." =
Mr. Liardet, rejected of Greenwich, writes an impertinent letter about
pains and penalties. What is this person ?

THE LESSON OF ME. BooaD's MAJORITY AT GREENWICH.-Still
waters run deep.


Mutato Nomine.
MR. JONES assured the magistrates that Mr. Brown had entertained
a serious intention of shooting Mr. Robinson through the head, and
had bought a pistol for that purpose. Mr. Green proved that Mr.
Brown had never had a pistol, and never had any intention of shoot-
ing Mr. Robinson. Thereupon Mr. Jones said that all he could say
was that Robinson was under that impression.
The moral of this fable is that Mr. Disraeli was far too honourable
to make the ungrounded assertion that the Liberal Government meant
to recall Lord Mayo from India; and that even if he had made
such a gross imputation in a moment of excitement, he was rather too
sensible, when it was distinctly disproved, to think that he at all
mended matters by saying that anyhow Lord Mayo-miles away in
India-fancied such might be the case. Because you see Mr. Disraeli
is a high-minded country gentleman, and not a political adventurer,
like some people.

Two to One.
HERE'S another chance for Barnum, or any theatrical manager of an
economical turn, who would like one person who could double jeune
premier and soubrette :-
WANTED, a SITUATION as Man Cook and Kitchenmaid, hotel or club.
I I Experienced. First-class testimonial.-A. K.
This beats "two single gentlemen rolled into one" all to fits!

POPULAR RETURNING OrrICERS.-From the Gold Coast.






FUN.--FEBRUARY 21, 1874.


I \\\


A ^


~, ;'


/


B-


IN ACTIVE PREPARATION.
Property-man Dizzy:-" HANG IT, WE SHALL BE CALLED PRESENTLY, AND I'LL BE BLEST IF I CAN FIND A POLICY ANYWHERE."
Acting Manager Derby :-"POLICY I DON'T THINK WE HAVE HAD ONE FOR A LONG TIME. WE CAN GET ALONG WITHOUT ONE, SOMEHOW."


F I "









FUN.


THE ROAD TO RUIN.
Young .Reaction:-"So You SrPLT FOR Two LIBERALS, JOHN'? WHY
DIDN'T YOU PLUMP FOR THE CONSERVATIVE ?"
Old John;-"No, MASTER, I DIDN'T SEE IT THIS TIME. I PLUMPED
CONSERVATIVE ONCE AND I'VE FELL AWAY EVER SINCE, AND SO WILL YOU,
MASTER; YOU PLUMP CONSERVATIVE-AND YOU'LL FALL AWAY TOO, LIKE
ME !


COMMON SENSE.
THERE's nothing aggravates a man
So much as being told
He has no common sense, and can
No point aright behold;
You shut him up in just this way,
Whate'er he may commence-
"Pooh! pooh!-you don't know what you say !-
It is not common sense! "
All other senses people will
Allow they don't possess.
To have this common sense they still
Decidedly profess !
'But very often those who think-
With not much diffidence-
They have it-quite the truth will blink,
That:they 've no common sense, !
For so it is we always find,
Ourselves we cannot know !
However modestly inclined,
Sure are we wrong to go.
And those who may absurdly boast
With understanding dense-
That they have certainly the most-
Have least-of common sense !

Et tu, Brute !
AN estimable, if Conservative, provincial contem-
porary, The Durhan County Adcvert iser, philosophises
over theochanged relations between The Times and the
Premier, adverting to the facility y with which that
journal changes its jubilate for the successful, statesman
into nunedimittis for the expiring Ministry. JItwinds
up its -article with these remarkable words:-
Yet we cannotbelp hindng that Mr. G1aidstone, iuhbis defeat,
as he reads the statelycoluma nsinwhich his follies and his failures
are expounded,mnust turn in bitterness to his old friend and say,
"at the Brut !"
We are a little at a loss to decide whether this is deeply
classical or superficially abusive. Anyhow, it's a beau-
tiful peroration!

Crew-el.
IT is superfluous to record that an English sailor ever
does his duty-as a matter of course, the Kroo-men on
the Gold Coast worked well.


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
SIR,-I had intended to write you a long article this week, about
the Waterloo Cup which is just now attracting the attention of-the
sporting world in general, and myself in particular; but the old man,
disgusted with your observations, has refused to prophesy either in
prose or verse, and begs to state that he must decline to have any-
thing to say on the subject. I fancy he's got something else to. do,
and men will show their temper when they become independent. He
said something about his work being a good marketable commodity as
he went out this morning. Under the circumstances therefore I can-
not prophesy, as I don't know what the result will be, though if I
could get good long odds about Peasant Boy and Muriel coupled I
think I should take them. So much for the Waterloo Cup and .for
my recent poetic assistant.
With regard to your remarks about myself I am,.though pained, far
from feeling as objectional as you may suppose, or as.you may have
wished to make me when you appended insulting and injurious
remarks to a recent communication. I say injurious, Sir, advisedly; for
though my position is well known and my reputation such as to give
rise to much jealousy in certain quarters, even you must not be
allowed to say whatever you like with impunity; and I fancy I am
right in saying insulting also. With-reference to your disbelief as to
my power of writing a play or even a burlesque, I may as well inform
you that I am in treaty with the managers of a highly popular theatre
who are about to produce my new sporting and ministerial drama,
which is to be called, The Double Event of 1874 ; or, A Tip for the
.Derby and the Coming Cabinet. It will be in several acts, and will
have real horses, real water, and a real live hansom cab, real police-
men warranted to lock up the wrong people, and real rolls and treacle
which will be divided among all who really pay for admission to the
stalls. In addition there will be a real election-petition judge, who will


sing the Groves of Blarney," and will really assure the audience that
he is really ignorant of the meaning of the word quid except as applied
to cigars, while he will be prepared to assert his profo und ignorance of
a chemical compound known as half-and-half. The free list will be
entirely suspended above the principal entrance to t he establishment,
and the public press.and professional friends will be kindly requested
not to. bother for orders, nor to blockup the way of those who pay.
All complaints will have to be addressed to the manager, and to
prevent mistakes no money will be returned after it has been removed
from the counter. A few really good actors may be engaged at once
by applying by letter enclosing personal characters and small.cash
security (in strict confidence) to AvesGPUA.

MR. --.
I THINK youare.acquainted with
A party of the name of Smith:-
Ah, yes, of course! I know you do,
And let me add I know him too.
The other day I chanced,to light on
Our Smith on the Parade at Brighton.
Eh, what is that ? The Smith you know
Is staying now at Monaco.
You're sure it's Smith of whom you speak ?
And not at Brighton this day week ?
Well, then, I think, twixtt me and you,
There are two Smiths-quite clearly two!

Carlisle-ease.
CLOSE QUARTERS.-A Stuffy First Class Carriage.


FEERUARY 21, 1874.]









FUN.


THE BLACK ART.
First Street-boy :-" WELL I'M BLOWED THAT'S A RUM OLD TOFF, BILL,
AWN'T HE?"
Second Do. :-" YES; DON'T YER SEE, SOMEBODY'S LET 'IM INTO A SECRET,
AND HE'S BEEN TOLD TO REEP IT DARK.."


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
FEBRUARY.
OF course the feature of the Contemporary Review is Mr. Gladstone's
translation of Homer's description of the shield of Achilles, which has
so greatly exercised the Conservative journalist, who knows as much
about versification as his chief does about finance. For the infor-
mation of that jumbled journalist we may mention that the measure
is lyric-a fact which much increased the difficulty of the Premier's
self-imposed talk of putting Homer's hexameters into English verse.
The lines are trochaic, alternately acatalectic and catalectic, and
arguing from classical rule we should call them dipods, but as they
contain four or three-and-a-half trochees perhaps this is scarcely
worth going into. But we may point out to those who consider
"likewise named" is better than hightt, to boot," that Homer was
archaic to the Greeks, and that therefore to a mind imbued with the
classic spirit archaic English would suggest itself as the medium of
translation.
A capital instalment of Major Whyte Melville's Uncle John" is
the attraction of Temple Bar this month. The article on Chateaubriand
is full of information and interest; the other contents are much as
usual, and of the new novel it is too soon to judge.
Macmnillan's is more that ordinarily readable and enjoyable. The
paper on Sir George Rose is admirable, full of anecdotes of the great
wit, to whom, however, the writer is wrong in attributing (avowedly en
speculation) Hood's lines on The Surplice Question." Dr. Corr's essay
on duelling, is amusing as a psychological study, he so evidently enjoys
what-he at the same time condemns. Mr. Matthew Arnold contri-
butes A speech at Westminster "-but where were Sweetness and
Light," when he attributed to George Herbert a passage, incorrectly
quoted, from Sir Philip Sydney's Arcadia ?
Mr. Lloyd, the manager of the Crystal Palace Aquarium, has"
contributed some papers of late to the Drawing Room Gazette, an
excellent periodical, in which the best feature is a feminine version of


[FEBRUARY 21, 1874.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 360.
SHIVERY, shakery, oh, oh, oh!
Skatery, slidery, all in a row,
But it isn't the thing
In the early spring
To be pinched and pelted with ice and snow
1. She took it from her shoulders
And she gave it to her knight,
That in the face of all beholders
He might wear it in the fight.
2. In olden times a five-pound note
Was oft the value of his vote,
But thanks to ballot papers now
He makes no ill-got gains, I trow.
3. The big fiddle grunted and groaned
And the little one squeaked and moaned;
But the biggest of all
From a grunt to a squall
Could beat them, as everyone owned.
4. They bore him barefaced on his bier,"
And o'er his grave fell many a tear,
And sobbing was the only sound
Where onward the procession wound.
5. The waves wild breaking,
Each timber shaking;
The vessel reels
As each gust she'feels.
Over with spar, and mast, and cask;
What other chance remains, I ask ?
6. When Julia writes to Mary Ann,
How many words are underscored;
But man who corresponds with man
With such excess will not be bored.
SOLUTION OF DOUBLE AcnosTIC, No. 358:--Election,
Ministry :-Emblem, Lorelei, Education; Capri, Toss,
Insult, Order, Navy.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 358, received llth Feb.:-
Ruby's Ghost; Countess of Bloomsbury; Smug; Grim.
Two OWLS : We prefer solutions on post cards. Yours
possibly came too late.
SLODGER AND TI EY :-Solution of 356 did not reach us till the
29th.


the Nodes, entitled Five o'clock Tea." Mr. Lloyd, however, seems to
know more about Polyzoa than Poetry, for he winds up his last article
thus-
Esto perpetua-Tasso.
He should have added, in the immortal words of Milton, "ne sutor
ultra crepidam."
Colburn's New Monthly presents its usual assortment of verse and
prose, and is chiefly noticeable for an appreciative review of Mr.
Stoddard's "Summer Cruising in the South Seas."
The St. James's announces a new story by Jules Verne, which is
sure to be an attraction. The magazine maintains its standard of
merit, and is well illustrated.
In Once a Week Jack's Sister fairly fills up the gap left by the
close of "That little Frenchman." The "Table Talk" would be
better if it were less anxious to be smart,
The Young Gentleman's Magazine, in The Field of Ice and The
Lost Rifle," offers ample amusement for the boys, besides what they
get from the occasional papers.
The Argosy contains an attraction in the shape of Johnny Ludlow"
this month, or would be rather tame else.

A REPORT FROM THE INDIA OFFICE.
IT's whispered, so I understand,
But scarce believe the tale,
Ayrton, who leaves the Happy Land
Succeeds a Meri-vale.

Left in the Hole.
WE see it gravely stated that the old gravel pits on the west side of
Tooting Common are being "cleared away." We should like to know
-" how it's done."








FUN.


MRS. BROWN AND WHALLEY.-MARTHA IN
DREAMLAND.
I sAyS to Brown, "Well," I says, "there certingly is one pint as I
admires Whalley on; he do stick at nothing to serve a friend,, as shows
a'noble disposition in my opinion, and who knows whether this 'ere
Louie paint a sperritialist manerfestation, as can float through the hair
,and be in two places at one time, the same as some birds of prey,, as is
amphiberous, and can live inland and water both at once."
Says;'Brown to me, alookih'.up, I'm blest, Martha, if any one
-wouldn't think you was 6ff your chump a-talkin' such- rubbesh in
zdosin', and that's a good soul do go to bed and not set a-noddin' there
-over the fire as will pitch inttthe bars in a minit."
I says, "Me a-noddin' overithe.fire Why," I says, I ain't, been
m-noddin' over nothinkradd'could .-ear you a-clearin'-of your throat.all
the time behind your noosepap.erand see you shake out your pipe as
uis evidentts as I'm-wideawake'"
"So you are, Mrs.' Brown,'Lstsytthe Claimant, as .I- see a-settin'
Soppersite me as.plainsunmy-nose,.n'my-face, as the sayin' is. I says
to'im, You'vegtta'- a:eavy: cold." "He. -says, A regular buster."
,Ah ". I says, "there' .itenty for, a cold today 'old on with you, and
'pes as you've got- a good-gtock :ofuankerchers, the same as Queen
'Wictorier 'ad to send a'. ot by telegraph- over to Roosher after them
-young Princes;pas -in course-left .thame behind as-was at.the wash so
would naturallyTun short'-as -is-werrfill convenient with constant
colds in ithet'eadias I'm troubled- with myself, and .can't think -where
-.my 'ankercher lava got to."
Now says Mr. Whslley to me, "Marth,'" he says, you're, a good
soul ;.nowwash't you ever aboard -of-a wessel as- picked up somebody
with a ookedtfingers, and didn't you 'elp save 'em ?" 'tWell,'" I says,
"certingly, aboard the ;steamer a-comin'- from- -Gravesend,; Jane's
baby's at blowed 6ff=and.-were picked up with a boat looklet outat
;thelsterag they calleddit." He-says, "And didn't that.-baby turn
out to be somebody." I says, I don't knows hemightznot but.he
died in 'is teeth under even months "
-',,Ah!"' but says :another as' Mr.-Whalley called Onsler, "didn't he
prove not-to -be dead; and saint he -now a-thrivin'. maL in.th leather
line:" -' Law! I says, Isee 1im berried in a -white .c6ffiniatty
dear."
Ah! says Whalley, You thought you did, but yodid. btter-let
-me-put it down as he were changed unlder the- m th." ieatys; 'Pd
4thankyou not to be a-puttin' down my words-in thenm"-ittle6-books,"
for they was both a-scribblin' away.
Says Mr. Whalley, Oh! you needn't swear to it if you don't
like." I says, "I swear to wot ?" "Why," he says, "as the. Prince
of Wales ain't the Prince of Wales, but a Jeserist as they took and
kidnapped over in Merryker, and 'ave kept 'im there ever since, and
this 'ere party as calls 'isself Prince of Wales is only a make-believe as
Queen Wictorier knows werry well aint 'er son, only don't dare say
so, for fear as the Catholics should take and blow 'er-up the same as
Guy Fox, as 'is real name were Charles James, did George the Fourth,
and says to 'im, You're the biggest liar as ever 1I met except your
father,' as were werry rude in a minister, but, as I says, it's.all werry
fine to call parties liars, but wotever is a man to do as tells a lie but
stick to it if he wants to 'win the day."
"Ah! says Whalley, "I never thought of that." I says, "' In
course -not, no gentleman wouldn't .never stoop to tell lies; but," I
says, "there is parties as goes on lyin' till they don't know as they're
a-doin' it, as is 'ow Mrs. Pellin' be'aved over my copper coal-scuttle,
as the gal were fool enough to lend 'er when she borrowed a few coals
over the palin's till 'ern come in, as she said was two tons ordered,
but I never see coals nor scuttle no more through 'er a-denyin' all
knowledge; but come 'ome to 'er when took with a fitinWhitechapel,
with me a-passin' at the werry moment so indemnified 'er.on the spot
when took to the hospital as 'er last words was coal-scuttle, as was on
'er mind aperientiy-to the last, as shows wet a thing conshence is as
is its -own accuser, as the saying is, and should always be kep. clear of
coal-scuttles."
Says Whalley to me, I think we've met afore." I says, I
should think so, that time as we 'ad a glass of ale together, and you
lewanted through bein' called into the house ; leastways that's wot you
said, and in your 'urry took-myredicule and never paid for the beer."
He give a 'oller larf, and says, Do go-to bed, you mutterin' old
fool." I says, Shan't till I pleases." He says, Come, come, wake
up," and gives me a shake by the arm. Now," I says, you look
'ere, fun is fun, but don't you go a-pullin' me about, 'cos I won't
stand it, nor more won't my good gentleman, and if any one was to
swear as he'd took my character away I tell you wet Brown would do,
he'd take and give 'ira such a woppin', even if he was Orton isself, as
would settle 'is ash, as the sayin' is."
Says Whalley, "Why ever don't you come over to our side ? I
says, 'Cos I likes this side best, as is werry comfortable and out of
the draft." "Oh !" he says, "what's that you're a-saying about a
.drift? name your price,, and I'll give you the draft at once; 'cos," he


85


says, I always carries 'em blank in my pocket ready to fill up, 'cos
there's no known' where a witness may turn up." Ah!" I says,
" you knows a thing or two." "Ah he says," I knows one thing."
I says, "Wot's that?" Why," he says, "don't you tell, but I'm
'avin' a lark with all these judges and juries, and "that there fat feller
into the. bargain. Why," he says, bless your 'art, I'm the claimint
myself, and all the family knows it, and we're only j'est a-showin' up
wot rubbish the law is forthe fun of the thing." Well," I says, I
do call that contemp' of court-with a wengeance, and," I says, ":1 tell
you wot it is, you'll:get it 'ot, jest like them fellows over at Camber-
well as passed theirselves off for: the old gentleman for. a larkas.was
quodded- for: their pains, and serve 'em right, a-frightenin' parties .to
death -a-thinkin' as they was. ome for, as is a-jokin' over serious
things, and-a nice penny youaet .been and lost the country; and no
-more a joke than them boys as putitones on the railway for- fun, and
upsets the trains."
-Says Whalley,-' I ain't- agoin'to.-top.:'ere all night anwtajin' for
you to come to bed; so wake:up,", and outahe turns the:gas. I, isys,
"YouwiUlin';.dare to touch me,'~ for he.gotldl -of my arm. C(Isays,
"Paws off," and I give 'im a shove as sent 'i=agelin' baok'ards. lHe
busts out a-larfin, and says, "I'm blest:if I:dodtfedtor a stretcher."
I says, Elp! Isaysfor he.-give-me apull,ae.fBali,', "Don't be a
fool, Martha." I jumps- p.a saying Drat -yur-:i. ence a-callin'
me by my Christian zlaesaei.nexer gwa-yous.no ,ieom gement for
sich -free ways ;" and -if A:thare-wat't) Brown a-standin' there afore
me with a candle in 'is 'and.
Says, Where's that Whalley ? 7He. says, 'e" -.L.n"'. nd
ithed I come to myself; and L'd been a'dreamin' aboutil .u 4*nealer,
.as Brown 'ad been. a-readih" to -ne about themn- aaignnathat there
paper about-Luie, a-sayin' he-were a 'onest man,.andi Lsays to Brown,
""Well," I-,says, "let eWvry one- speak as they ftU ,A-s d_ in .cou=e-,we
all 'as our nations on: them pints, and so 'avaie4&ley, and 'is pal,g and
if Luie, ain't never been -in- prison,. andwere:.ateaAwhen they saidhe
was.among them conwix, why he-might 'avas-a.e&this.'ere Olaimant,
as in course -would float like .a boy, as- esahyn'i:is ,through, oin'
young, but," I, says, "that's for The judgeaLid jury. to.say,aa-nd
not for them as.do6n'tknow nothing aboutit,.like them-roughs as went.
a-'ooting andi a-'owlin' at. Mr., 'Okinscaa'mst do .ias.,.dooty.whihever
side he tak-es;: but, law, parties-is, that took off ;ieir legs by this
Claimant as they d'on't.know wot they're a-doin' t.f ;'but, in course,
the law moaL take its course, as the sayin' is, and howeverr can .itif;the
Jawyers-is a-gain' toabe stledandshnocked aboutas-they goes along
the streets, as ain't fair play neither, as is a jewel as the sayin' is.".



[ We cannot return unaccepted SS.. or Skethes, unless they are accot-
panied by a stamped and' directed envelope, and we do not hold oursels
responsible jb os.J
(Marylebone.)-We do not act on anonymous communications. If
you have a name, why not sign it ?
PATENT KroTINGN.-Not in, patently.
T! E. L. (Newport Pagnell.)-You had better inquire of your news-
vendor.
F. (Camberwell.)-It is one of the glorious privileges of an Englishman
-to try and make home rhyme with come "--but you had better keep
.out of our court while -you're at it.
NEGLECTED. --It has been returned., If, in nine cases out of ten, corre-
spondents would; (after stamping, and directing envelopes) instead of
enclosing them to us with sketches, put the sketches in them .and post
-them to themselves,:it, would save trouble on both sides.
Anoo.-Your desires are as modest as your talents, but you have
:brought your pigs, we regret to say, to the wrong market.
LABonc.-Well, you can't expect us.to .call you. capital. There is too
much labour in your versificatiun.
McC. (Glasgow) sends us some irreverent lines about his ,native city,
beginning-
"Glass-go up, or glass-go down,
It always rains in our good-town."
We are not sure that we shall not denounce him to the authorities.
TmRTY-SEVEN ADMInRas.-We were not aware there was a ladies' club
at Buxton. Bless you, darlings!
L. (Easingwold.)-We fancy the verses must have- got jolted up a bit,
coming by telegraph.. Your pensive muse must have been ex-pensive. -
SHREW.-- Too tame. 6
Declined with Thanks:-L. R. T., Islington; S. G., Camberwell;
Armitage Ibbelson, Bradford; M., Leytonatone; A4 M., Knightsbridge;
A. S. C., Manchester; G. T. H., St. George's-square; W. H. R., Ballina;
Tim; H. M. W., Chalcot-crescent; B., Austin Friars; Sans Changer;
B. M.; C. C., Regent-square; S., Grantham; T., Brighton; W., Mount-
street; B. B.; K. W., Chancery-lane; C. B. AM4 Liverpool; J. N., Offord-
road; Boodle; 0. R. H., Brixton; A. B. C., Glasgow College; Jack; Dir;
Waxy; -, Wick; K., Croydon; J. A. C., Homerton; Lesbia; (J. S. H. E.,
Liverpool; E., National Club; G. B., Southampton; R. F., :Walworth-
road; An Old Friend; Y. Z.; T., Greenwich; Polly Titian; D., Leeds; F.
R. L., Barnsbury.


- FEBnnAnY 21, 1874.]








FTJN.


[FEBRiARY 21, 1874.


A WISH.
Young Innocent:-" I WISH I wAS GROW'D rP LIKE 'eo, Miss EATwELL."
is8 .F. :-" You no, MY DARINO!-WHY?"
Young Innocent :-"'Cos I'D CALL ON all IM FRIENDS, every MORNING, AND HAVE SUCH LOTS OF WIVE AND BISCUITS."


A TTUCH-NEEDED COSMETIC.
IN the New-York papers there are extensive advertisements of a
new cosmetic, which we will name if properly paid to do so.
.Pending advices on that point, we simply assure our readers that it is
in our..power to name the most remarkable cosmetic in existence.
According to the advertisements, which of course are true, like
everythingg' else in a New York paper,-this balm-
Overcomes the flushed appearance caused by HEAT, FATIGUE, AND
'EXCITEMENT, makes the eye look clear, full and bright, and imparts a genial,
lively expression to the countenance, indicating intellectual power and natural
grace. -
No price would be too high to pay for a balm which would put "in-
dications of intellectual power and natural grace" into some of our
ladies, as, for instance, some English ladies of the drama and ballet.
. But besides this we read that-
Applied to the NECK, ARMS. AND HANDS, it imparts an appearance of
GRACEFUL ROTUNDITY AND ENGAGING PLUMPNESS, as well as a
NEARLY BLOOMING PURITY, which is ever the admiration of the opposite
sex. When used upon the person it exhales a subdued fragrance, suggesting pure
habits and a cultivated taste.
A cosmetic the use of which would suggest a nearly blooming
purity," together with pure habits and a cultivated tate," is quite a


novelty. Hitherto the suggestions have been rather the other way.
Last among the wonderful properties of the substance before us we
find that it-
Transforms the Rustic Country Girl into a Cit Belle, more rapidly than any
other one thing.
Until we read that, we thought that it might be soap and water,
which, after all, is perhaps a cheaper and more generally serviceable
compound.
A Nose-ender.
The Conservatives have an undoubted ground of complaint in the
fact that the extreme mildness of the weather prevented: many electors
from voting blue.
True Lover's Knotty Point.
IT is a bad sign when a fair girl asks you o hold a skein of wool-
she evidently wishes to slip through your fingers.

WHERE in England should the Russian bear find the warmest
welcome ?-In Hairy-fur'd-shire.


FOR BREAKFAST.


CH OCOL T MEIIER.


FOR LUNCHEON.
iP uu. c2J~rwi rs t nrwsMlDetr'Cmos n ulse frtePoreo)at8,FetSreE .LnoFbur 1 84


rnted by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Wo
Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, February 21, 1874.








FEBiUAar 28, 1874.]


FUN.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 361.
WHAT clucking and crowing,
What coming and going
Of victors o'erflowing
With triumph to-day!
While each one distracted
Asks what's to be acted
That all folks attracted
May smile on the play!
1. The cabin was low, the feeble glim
But made the darkness seem more dim,
And as I sought my sailor-bed ,
Against a beam I struck my head.
2. He said the arrow glanced aside,"
And that was how he lost his bride;
But there are men- you bet your life-
Who, when they're weary of a wife,
Would take her where they're firing rifles
And not be squeamish about trifles
3. Hey diddle diddle,
I can't play the fiddle,
Because I have come
Without it, by gum,
Now answer, I pray you, the riddle.
4. Gold, Gold!
Let the current be rolled
To the East afar,
Where the people are
Lapt in the famine-serpent's fold.
5. You're a betting man, you say,
Good for any bet to-day;
Wager many things you may-
But there's one you cannot lay.
6. Up and down, for loss or gain,
Turkey, India, Egypt, Spain,
Sold to-day, or bought to-morrow,
Source of profit, cause of sorrow
You shall never be my bane.
SOLUTION OP VALENTINE ACROSTIc, No. 359.-Arrow,
Cupid:-Almanac, Riou, Rep, Ocki, Weasand.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACRosTOc, No. 359, received 18th
February:-Bruin; The Leibig Family; Ruby; Ghost; Smug.


THE RULING SPIRIT.
Cashier (to Tipples, who has dropped off after presenting a cheque) :-
" HOW'LL YOU HAVE IT, SIR ? "
Tipples :-" HOT, PLEASE, AND A BIT 0' LEMON!"


NULLIUS FILIUS.
A GLASGOW paper carried away by the local perfervidum ingenium,
bursts into song over the Conservative triumph in some stirring lines
entitled A Tribute from G aoway." With the usual Tory ear for
rhyme, which loses in delicacy what it gains in length, the b hard
observes:-
County fair of loyal Wallace,
You've redeemed your noble promise.
But then possibly -after a fair number of toddies a poet might pro-
nounce the last word prollice" so we will pass that. But we cannot
overlook in a Scot such lamentable ignorance of Scripture History as
is shown in this stanza-
But the man round whom we gather
Boasts a lineage nobler far:
He can reckon as a father
Israel's champion brave in war.
Stanley, thy descent is glorious,
But we count his nobler still,
Child of him who once victorious
Stayed the sun on Gibeon Hill I
The allusion is evidently to Joshua who was the son of Nun; but as he
left no family, Mr. Disraeli to be a descendant of his must also be a
son of none. Which is a co-Nun-drum.

Piece of Im-Burton-ence.
WE naturally find Mr. Octavius Coope on the side of the licensed
victuallers. May we suggest the change of name to Octave Cooper ?

Dark's the Hour.
FEW contested borough elections have passed over without the strains
of rival bands-an unprecedented rnm upon the Burgess Minstrels.

A CAUTIor" CoLucw.-The second of The Times.


The Classic Echo.
OuR amusing little contemporary, the Echo, is always an authority
on classical questions. But in an article on Valentines it was con-
strained to make the following admission:-
All we know of it (the custom of sending Valentines) is that something of the
kind took place during the old Roman festival of the Luperealia, the feast in
honour of the wolf who nursed Romulus and Remus, and that the names of
women were placed in a box, while the men drew them out by lot.
In this case all our friend knows is less than nothing, because it is all
wrong. The festival was in honour of Lupercus, the Lycean Pan, god
of fertility, and worshipped of shepherds because he kept off wolves.
The feast was held in February, on the fifteenth (say some authorities),
which does not synchronate" (Echo) with the fourteenth very pre-
cisely. As to the ceremony, the Echo is altogether in the wrong
" box," as the youths who celebrated the Lupercalias merely ran about
striking people, but especially married women, with thongs of goat-
skin. "Ev'nin' Ecker, one 'dp'ny !"

Changing Places.
A NORFOLK paper has got so excited over the Duke of Edinburgh's
marriage that its geography has all run into its boots, and it seems to
know as little of its own country as of Russia :-
The inhabitants of the county of Norfolk will by no means be slow to give the
Duke of Edinburgh and his bride a hearty welcome on their first visit to
Sandringham, which will probably be at Exeter.
The writer had evidently got Dunce-inane in his head, if not Birnam
Wood in his chump.

Name I
Our of consideration for the number of gin-and-beer representatives
in the new House, the coming Parliament will be called the Dog's-nose
Parliament.


VOL. XIX. I









;88E'~ 2.f~ maaaAMVAA 28i 1874.


FUN OFFICE, 'Wednesday, Feb. 25, 1874.

A SELL SO SORE
Tar Session .wA.approaching fast,
When throughtthe startled nation passed'
The word Dissolve," with a device
The voice of voters to entice-
No IncomT-a '"
G.'s browt was glad. His breath beneath,
He whispered low between his teeth-
"I :fanoy ii.e depiteof fBag,
A bait for. a suceoeasrve flung-
I- No Incomf'Bx.!"
To-happyhomeshe showed a sight ,
Of breakfast-tAble'f0ree and bright;:
And in.the future.'Budget shone
Five millions surplus of his own-
"'No Income Tax!"
"rI n"m tha.ttp ,"' Disraeli said;
"r! teep*itvpfr-vwars.ahead:'
A vigorous n policy
Will not:prait one thing to be-
No Income Tax!"
Oh, stay," the Tories cried, Maaiwreet!
Yot'vel featerea well the Treasuryse-nest,
It's nowoturturn -to have a shy-
"We waht a finger in that pie !
Blow IbXome Tax !"
Bewaretht influnee of the Trade,
Whose profit England's curse has made!"
ThiswasthePUblican's remark,
Who, alsohieaupedinthe dark-
'sBlew-IncomseaxTa'"
Day ftAer day, the polfi declared
That. beer-bemused, the people cared
For gin, not genius, and were tired
Of peace and progress, nor desired
"No Income Tax !"
The Liberal party quickly found
Each day that it was losing ground,
And so resigned at any price
The Premier, with the wise device-
"No Income Tax!"
Out in cold Opposition's shade,
Worsted, but beautiful he's laid,
Still keeping, till he rules once more,
That wise device of his in store-
"No Income Tax! "

A ONE-ER!
IT is difficult to conceive into what profound abysms of ignorance
this benighted world would sink if it did not possess a Globe, which is
almost as good as a sun at throwing light on obscurity. The other
day, that enlightened organ informed a crass and uneducated public,
ad propos of the Wilberforce Memorial,itbat
The monolith is of ona solid block of ,granie.
It is sad'to think how many people have died in the. erroneous belief
that a monolith always consisted of one solid -block; which, however,
cannot be the case, or the Globe would not have laboriously pointed
out that 'this exceptional monolith did so consist. The only consola-
tion we can see is that in these days when democratic dictation
threatens the liberty of the subject, the monolith at least is un-
trammeled, and may, by implied permission of the Globe, consist of as
many blocks as it likes.

Land, ho!
FUN takes off his cap and makes a profound bow to Miss Landseer,
thanking her in the name of -England and its sailors, for her generous
donation to the National Lifeboat. stittion. She will, reap. many a
blessing from those. helpless kinsmen of hers, the land-seers, who. see
only the land of a lee shore on a stormy night, and who. would perish
but for the gallant lifeboat-crew to Which she gives the sinews of war.

Bad for the-Coo-
Best agent for treating. at the A shantee Capital.-Rum.

A WaIT oF PAINs AND PENALTIEs.-The marriage certificate.


MY ,X.l SE.
WHILE I was living at Bullrush, on the Salmon river, I built a
small steamboat to ply between that town and Hardbake, some twenty
miles below. The down traffic between these two places consisted
mainly of potatoes; the up traffic of h6gs. It was conducted, before
my boat was laid on, in scows, which floated down with the current
and delivered their cargoes at'Hardbake in good condition ;'but to get
them up against the stream they always had to be lightened by throw-
ing overboard most of the hogs, which the Hardbakians contrived to
catch by a cleverly constructed weir. So the balance of trade was
against us. For this reason my enterprise, temperately popular at
Hardbake, was encouraged with enthusiasm at Bullrush, where ,my
little steamer was regarded with the maddest and wildest affection.
To enhance and confirm this feeling I fitted the boat with a Cal-
liope. A Calliope, I may explain, is simply a "peal" of steam-
whistles, with a key-board, and is operated in the manner of a piano.
It is hardly a thing that the muse whose name it bears would have
been proud of, but it makes a good deal of noise if the boiler is strong
enough to generate sufficient steam, and under skilful fingers will hoot
- out a number of tunes. It proved .my ruin all the same.
SWhile it was being fitted up. I kept it very quiet, only permitting
the tuner to touch one key per day. The boat was lying alongside
the wharf, and I wanted to get everything in readiness and then
astonish the town. So one Saturday night about eleven o'clock I
quietly got up steam, and, seating myself at the instrument, in
deference to the approaching sabbath struck up the One Hundredth
Psalm. The whistles were in excellent voice, the night very calm,
and the effect extremely fine-iomewhat finer, I imagine, ten miles
away than at the key-board.
In about three minutes every window-sash in town was thrown up,
and the number of nightcaps protruding formed an animated
spectacle. In two minutes' more the streets were swarming with
half-dressed people of both sexes and all ages ; and before the end
of the quarter-hour they had crowded down to the beach in such
compact masses that the very rats found it impossible to pierce the solid
ranks of shins, and being driven into the water miserably perished.
I had taken the precaution to pull out into the stream, or the people
would have swarmed aboard the boat and sunk her in a minute.
They acted like lunatics, and their cheers were something alarming !
Fearing some harm to the women and children, I ordered the
engineer to blow off his steam and put out his fires. I made every
man on the steamer go to bed. Heedless of the calls of the people for
every air they had ever heard of, from Orphanback's concerto in D, to
the tune to which the old cow died, I resolutely closed the instrument
and retired to my berth.
This gave the people leisure to send for their outer clothing, with
which they made themselves as comfortable as they could until daybreak;
waiting in the chill river-fog for-the strains that came not. All.day
during Sunday they idled in troops along the beach, or perched them-
selves thickly on commanding eminences, discussing in subdued and
reverent tones the marvellous event of the preceding night. I
suffered no one to come on board, and no one to go ashore. I an-
swered no questions from the land, and asked none from the water. I
thought it would add to the interest of the enterprise, and increase the
popularity of the boat, to preserve an air of mystery.
The evening of that day was spent by the inhabitants in carrying
their bedding down to the shore,, improvising tents for the sick, and
preparing fires; but soon after dark I got up.steam and noiselessly
dropping down the stream. out of hearing paddled for Hardbake,
where I had already been promised a cargo of hogs. A very' graphic
account of what the people did when daylight showed them the
vanity of their vigil having appeared alreadyy in the Bullrush Bugle, I
need not go into the matter here.
Arrived at Hardbake I tied up to the wharf, and in the morning,
after receiving a deputation of the principal citizens, who came
aboard and read a congratulatory address on "the inauguration of
the grandest commercial enterprise of any age or country," I com-
menced taking on hogs. When I had got about a thousand on board
and they were still, pouring in, and just as the deputation of
principal citizens were- taking their leave, it occurred, to me, to
welcome the coming and speed' the parting guest by a blast upon my
Calliope. -I ran up to Qe' hurricane deck, rang for the engineer to
turn on all the steam he could, sat down at the machine, and struck
up "The Devil's Dream" in spirited style. For one instant the
deputation paused on the wharf and turnedtheir startled faces toward
the boat; the next moment they were flat on their backs, with .abroad
strong torrent of hogs rolling over them, and sweeping onward
through the streets of the town, carrying all before it with the
irresistible energy of .a tidal roller! .'Men, women, and children, who
at the ,first note of the machine had rushedout of the .houses in. alalm,
went, down before .this current .of. pork as grass falls before the,scythe,
or forests disappear in a river of lava Before I had got half through
the tune my boat was as innocent of pigs as. a new-born babe. Nor
was this all. Hardbake, as everybody knows, is built on an island,








FaEtuARY 28,-187i !]T 89


and after overthrowing the population the stream of swine held its
.:,arse'a asi ooulk go.by land, when it pourdldown a steep place
inafcela-. s*t the weir! REadbare was urretrnevabYly
"MinnO8m'I:>alam'i8ifqdafljnitle~ilaailm-(alll~ti mac minad "pat back
:.. Baitrudh ; Ibt -bafeso g0tuiilq ile s tmat' was' Wiwdil by a' friend
w-homane nofin a bout with eiitm fl at te people did not
r.:listhedlittl pre',tial tuoke'libalp-iqw .ilEhn, aud-had !pl.ited an
old jaintit Utdow the t.wn:*o sinlr'an, bA y C.bitopelth.:- moment
we aould'.Nppear. Iiknew I shouldd a e'ne w:.rseet Iiardbaike. I
coudlianotpas--eicter town: for one was Z.flth'iW ,i t, navigation, and
tl h6 teaee pi-weir at the other. iw -yraxiety tetUgr e. little fun
out CAi my Calffipe uwile it we,-a m"etyUb., so te-eio mak, In.,ceked
thegoandodit commerciaI e us ,ae-df.hamsny other euartry colder
thairnhe tename of a dead lamn. .
tcoonilusin I wr-uld like, tomei lu tt the asitisgues of the
Bulft sh.' S e aid the Enr 'h&L., r'aII.. v ed sa.mip.iire h on the
CaslJie. T'if can be regardd-o aly as a .comincidece, for the initial'
counts containn dintnmal evdmect art they are ndt Iho w,.,rk of the'
samataal. fheBullrudhian edfeiatim i hus:-
Dece1aful hertiff our hlupe,
0 eviameeetOalBope! *
Ths Hadbalkian bard 'begins less plaintively, lit'w lh a ironger
indigatifi, thus,'-
weuti thamo'st- ronnt matalhm i W aiseniao B
thon:fleildh, rnorselsa' alliapet."


Stmng-e -if Mie.
iatos ~ad ut having- lat4ly bea iutennkiia, dit&
LeAtisdt owerttmelan from the ton ee owa raaltBlet -'
Antiqln s s iiantiste, IhiB it wasnndathantdtl horesadtrap Istit
to Milb Wtaz' Bvawos4t, 'ulieostated thUt he wablitvlvingiinMe tbwuioU!a
nigh4snana otant of the trap, whean oaimeen awere oi
whi.taS 4te hese to naiCo4 and whiM wasn.ati ont
the Stnafltea .
Thdoruoit reminds tie of the song whmb Lon liw iiif like
air, od .itat4 iht'of, bIttlfnd aganioeine thine~ditae -glit'r
alw)Ie thought bteforo Uat LongtidBow w%*te ia- i-; tlt- the
Leioser es ur-as- evw r rounioesB



eie miii may lie oonsidd-athea- at sigy Trste
bchausethy ra e raedatthe other4e,3an inetynce f the .grwiong
ty.aaa.inr al yestttr

ACt'Th iPeraB m elat-esunrt 'fais 'anew, Khat-irnuebase.-aged 1.
d". oyaBdae.mmay o-astnsguinaldga t AhPripeTr, rst chape dbheareJrr.
I .ion-alis,-wdefl tynonutrautnoliB sIapBd- esti.mihnpmrni.
Thinge-' se indeed tome to a ha-ty pas, wheni'frsaa s A'taeiy
conduct provokes the police to run him in!

Sastentation.
Tim Standard in' a paragraph about the famine in' Bengal,o
observes-
The promised relief has already done good.
In this instance promises appear to be like pie-crust not merely
because they are breakable, byut because they a nattifbioas.

A Change ;for the Better.
A CONTEMPORARY relates, in its Paris news, that-
M. t oyau de Lacy, who has been suing the Paris papers to compel the insertion
of his letters in retort to their attaakt;oais'dtaaT dibfforts, has got judgment
in his favour. The papers prove that, if everybody-exercised this right, the
ansawerawould fill up their space!
Well, we are not at all sure that i- some English journals that
consummation (including the exclusion of all leaders) is not devoutly
to be wished.

A Correction.
IT is not -true that, on the, evening after the declaration of, the poUl
Greemwich was kept awake till the small, hours, by a band performing;,
alternately," Oft in the Stilly night" and Gin a body."

A Dastiaslisto.
Ma. 'GlaneTroN's Government is the -es-Atinistty; Mr. -israelisb
the Treble X ministry.

CONSERVATIVE MEMBERS' DELIGHT.- The blue NtP.-rean.


THE FATAL MISTAKE.
JAMES JELLY of St. Mary Cray
So softly spoke and smiled,
A-as so respectable and gr y,
Stv,-called him Olte*& Mild."
'ohnmWobernollekens of penge
Was such a furious'inlter,
;'SoAlt and full of fierce revenge,
they called him Stout andd Bitter."
James Jelly was a slaughtermia
.,f aruttonmand of be4-,.
,hi: lapses ,f-the slaig toain,
katiaitaha'oscausedAsittgstiiIt.


Aaiatahawegreatly beenaa
S1E0isei&1a't slay thu-eylas.
Th*y trawnled by thfeamlear tnk,.
Witch ane faoetiaa l,

fintd styled h TiJl zatk
AnA.morn and nighlteaina itI,
'Ahey travelled ik"
Tillisomethiag ha
Will need'yourp 4lAt
An aonident-thaBtaifni8-!
Otboutred withina-6msadL
The likless ipairww'oestu ittw,.
Jtastaevel:witlfi tabusanlie.*
A surgeon, rUshiggiaiithliwdalk
Aforded timelyjia.
Wlogetha'lewing tMh -iana
The sad mintati]hexanat!!
Whie heitoJe1llutipparanam
The other's hegBaediA
Aad4JobbWtisesigatqw
Allout 'ihserailJkdtditbd-
-Efhewothefs bnflby.tak heEiudal
With Jeltv's lepg o spmram,
And Jobbernollekens just ceased,
Where Jelly 'gan to dwindle.
So now when Jelly most desires
Soft phrases to be picking
To soothe some adversary's fires,
His legs will take to kicking.
Ai 'bbernollekens finds thus
The change his powers damping,-
When he.would fume and swear and ousa,
His feet'object to stamping.
Had but that surgeon chanced to strike
A light within the carriage,
This unina.had -been .sparea-se like
Ak ill-assorted marriage.
And .still they travel, and each bears
HisLate as you'd sumnisei-
-ori-Jobberunollekens he :swea ,'
And Jelly .ony sighs.
`tvwoetisa me, that comic chap
Who still wil l half and laugh,
And tW: a'ibuui -' Th Usual 'lap,
l 3. ,t.'them iftlf-and-Hal.



A ,sA N contemporaryy gravely asks 'why many a, young' man :goes
Aboutt" with asingleeye-glass stuckinone ofJiis-eyes ?" We somehow
Ifanoythat ithe answer tod this coiundrum .isth'At the 'single- eyeglass
cat>oly try-,again.

Tnibt RtBmsa't O A OLOaEaEIBSTBD MAcsN-The civil engineer-he
caanspanla rivern
Pronounced 'gunnel.' Tkisis anastutcal and horizontalfgure of speech.


I








90 F U NT [FEB&RvarY 28, 1874.


ECD


OUR BLOATED ARISTOCRACY.
Grateful Dependent (to Nobleman who, when he entertains company at the great house, is accustomed to distribute the broken provisions among his
poorer neighbours) :-" DooK! DooK! WHAT'S TH' MEANING' OF THIS, OOK ? 'A GAED OOP T'HOOSE TO GET SOME VITTLE, AN' THEY GIBD
ME A ROAST CHICKEN WI' ONE WING COOT OFI? "'


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
ANOTHER sign of Conservative Reaction! The first Mule and
Donkey Show will be held at the Crystal Palace early in-if not on
the First of-April. = The Carlsruhe Gazette reports the destruction
by fire of the Abbey of Saint Blaise. Serve 'em right, for keeping
such an inflammatory Saint on the premises. = Prussia has been
making large purchases of forage. Where does she mean to make
hay" next ? = The Ministry resign without delay. This is kind to
the hungry Tories. = No Easter Monday Review, as thq Bank Holi-
day overcrowds the lines. Hard lines for enthusiastic Volunteers. =
The Telegraph compares Gladstone to Aristides the Just. This is
taking an unfair advantage of the new gin-cum-beer members, who
won't know whether it's pronounced Aristids or Aristids. = A new
paper appears, called Woman's Opinion. Didn't know she had one !
Why not call it The Last Word? .= The Pantechnicon burnt down.
A proof fire doesn't respect fire-proof. = Excitement at Gravesend
over the coming of the Duke of Edinburgh. Three hundred pounds
voted, to present him with the freedom of that city and a plate of
shrimps. = Hayman protests against his expulsion from Rugby.
Says there will be More-decay now. Summing-up of Tichborne
Case continues. Is likely to end in summering-up, if not autumning.
= Spaniards still at loggerheads. Shootem! = Railway stock look,.
ing-up. Looked-up several nice little accidents, in which its rolling
qualities got smashed. = Great irritation caused in Paris by the


manifesto of Rouher. Rightly does the Conservative working-man
call him Mounseer Rower! = Civil Service Supply Association ex-
tinguishes itself by determining to share profits among shareholders.
We are a nation of shopkeepers, but this was too much for some gen-
tlemen, who retired.

Thereby hangs-.
WE presume the following may be credited to the Paris papers,
because as that City possesses a Jardin des Plantes as well as a Jardwn
d'Acclinatation the local journalists may be fairly supposed to know
nothing whatever of Natural History :-
The latest Parisian novelty is a lady with the tail of an ape. She is being
exhibited. It is to be hoped it will not become the fashion.
To the best of our humble knowledge the Ape (including Troglodytes,
Pitheeus, and Hylobates) is distinguished by the non-possession of a
tail; so that we trust the fashion of apes' tails will be continued by
the fair sex.

Fact for the Intelligent" Foreigner.
BURGESSES are not of the softer sex, though there are many ld
women in their ranks.
IMPERTINENCE INTENSIFIED.- Wishing ,a Tee-total gathering a
"bumper meeting.








FUN.-FEBRUAY 28, 1874.


fit,~


A SELL SO SORE


THERE in the twilight cold and grey,
Prostrate but beautiful he lay,


Still grasping in his hand of ice
The banner with the strong device-
No Income Tax! "








FEBRUARY 28, 1874.] F U N 93


NIGHT AND MORNING. -
IF there's one thing-in all the world,
Which I have aye reviled,
Atvzhich my hatred has been hurled
Since first I was a child,
It is-but you of course can guess,
Without it'sEbeing said-
It is-that crowning wretchedness
Of turning out of bed.
I see the daylight through the blind,
I hear the milkman's call,
Thebaker's cry,-and hate my kind,
Yes, hate them one and all!
The postman comes-the paper-boy-
know his wretched tread!
And, just when sleep I most enjoy,
Comes turning out of bed.
The world's still "got the gravy in"-
I like it well done through!
Why must I a raw day begin, yd
The sun would quickly do" ?
Were I a baker-why, I must
Thus early seek my bread. ---
I'm not! I hate it, crumb and crust,
When turning out of bed.
And yet in thisdark world of woe.-
And pain, and toil, and such-
There is one other thing I know,
And hate almost as much:-
As much ? I vow, upon my word,
I might say more," instead-
More hateful-though it seems absurd-
Than turning out of bed.
When falls the gentle cloak of night
Upon this world of toil,
When warmly glows the fire's red light,
And gleams the midnight oil,
Then comes the trouble I abhor, -
The-suffering that I dread,-
I hate than turning out far more-
The turning into bed! LOWERING THE" FARES.
Buts.Driver:-"NEn siDn DOWN."
CHEA P GEaERosITY.-Presenting a cheque. Conductor :-" ALL RIGHT! CITY GENT'S PrAID HIS FARE '


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. keen air of Russia. Mr. Byron, to whose management the early
success of the Prince of Wales's was mainly due, directs behind the
Tan indefatigable managers of the French plays at the Holborn scenes, and the front of the house is under the charge of Mr. Kingston.
Theatre, Messrs. Valnay and Pitron, give their patrons no opportunity We look forward to a charming display of such dramatic Dresden
of complaining of a want of variety; and they are ably supported by China as will suit the house, and please the critical and fashionable
the members of their- company, who cheerfully assume a frequent audiences it is certain to attract.
change of characters which would produce mutiny in an English
theatre. Le Voyage de M. Terichon is their-latest production, and
gives ample scqpe for the humour of Monsieur Didier, although, as a Hanging on a Note.
whole, by no means comparable with other pieces that have been THE other day an artilleryman, at Newhaven, having been confine4c
represented at the Holborn. It turns upon the adventures of what to barracks, and subsequently reprimanded for singing in his cell,
we may call a Parisian cockney and family in a tour through Switzer- was "found hanging from a window-cord attached to his waist-belt; "
land, and the complications therefrom arising. There is a funny by which we presume the contemporary we quote from does not mean
contest for the hand of Perrichon's daughter between two young that he suspended himself from his own waist. The coroner'ls jury
tourists, ef whom one has saved, and the other has been saved by, found a verdict of Died by hanging, caused by his own act through
the father of the adored one; the moral being that (so long as you misadventure ;" although, as our contemporary (who heads the
don't let him overhear your philosophy on the point).your possible paragraph "Singular Verdict") observes, "no evidence tended to
father-in-law will feel a greater affection for the preserved than the show it." Perhaps the twelve sages, arguing from his musical tastes,
preserver. It is unnecessary to say that Monsieur Didier was admir- thought thi poor fellow was trying a chord.
able as the p re de famille. Madame Adolphe, a consummate artist,
who act. to the life in the very smallest rile, was excellent as the
wife; and all-down to therailway porters-played with thatidenti- Necks.to Nothing!
fiction of self and part which, it seems, it is impossible to teach WE learn from the Paris papers that what they very properly call
English people. "a curious wager" has been settled between the Duo de Feltre and
At the Olympic Mr Neville-has revived, until such time as the new the Comte de Nevule. The former backed himself to drive from Paris
drama is ready, Shakespeare's Much Ado.about Nothin yg, which appears to Lyons before the latter could do the distance on his bicycle. The
to attract sufficiently to refute the too readily accepted disie that race, we are informed,
Shakespeare is worn out. We hope that the production of a cbet at Was won by a neck by the duke, who drove into the courtyard of the Grand
the Crystal Palace, under the direction, of Mr. Creswiok, will be Hotel at Lyons just-two-minutes before the count arrived. '
another proof of the fallacy of the managerial doctrine. We can, at What a neck the Duke must have! Fancy his being two minutes
any rate, be sure that Macbeth will be pat.upon the stage without any of before he could getVit ihto the courtyard.
the fussy self-assertive meddling by which Mr. Tom Taylor ship,
wrecked a somewhat similar-Shakesperian revival at Sydenham.
The Criterion Theatre, one of the prettiest little houses in London, Something Topping.
will open early in March, the Lord Chamberlain apparently having ANOTHER name shareswith Wellington and Bhccher the.hononrs of
returned from St. Petersburg with mental faculties braced by the St. Crispin; we refer, of course, to Boot (T)uppers.









FU N jFEERUARY 28, 1874.


Not too fast I
WE learn from the South London Press that Mr. Nathan Hughes, who
paints, against time or steam or anything of that kind, has finished his
picture of' the Tichborne trial, showing the Court under a com-
bination of winter sunlight and gas.*
A sunbeam strikes from above on the Lord Chief Justice+: and the cool shadow
on the host of notable barristers affords an artistic contrast. The jurt are in the
full blaze of warm light in the centre t
We shall not go and see it, for fear of being betrayed into contempt.

SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE MALACCA STRAITs.-Those
of Bengal.
Why wasn't that gasman committed ?
SHis Lordship will no doubt commit that sunbeam.
t A painter who makes it so warm for the jury must be in danger of committal.


I "So are they all!"
THE Weekly Dispatch, commenting on two recent press libel-cases,
observes with regard to a newspaper of established fame," and
therefore disinterestedly, that it-
Is naturally tempted sometimes even by honourable motives to east its
reflections upon private character.
The writer does not seem acquainted with his subject or we might ask
what motives could be "honourable which could tempt a man or a
paper to make a blackguard of himself or itself.

The Sooner the Better.
PARDONABLE IMPERTINENCE.--Calling the Ministerial Whip "a-
Cracksman.
MOTTO FOR THE SLOTHFUL.--" Nothing like lethar "-gy.


POLITICAL CHANGES.


FOREIGN AFFAIRS.


AGONY AND CONSTERNATION IN THE LIBERAL CAMp.


[FEBRUARY 28, 1874.


TORY MARCH OF TRIUMPH.


FUN.








FUN.


THE PSORLAX.
Tarsking of Scotland, years and years ago,
Convened his courtiers in a gallant row,
AwI thus addressed them: Gentle sirs, from you
Abundant counsel I have had, and true :
What laws to snake, to serve the public weal,
What ones of Nature's making to repeal;
What old religion is the only true one,
And what the greater merit of some new one;
What ends of yours my favour has forgot;-
Whi4a.etyour enemies against me plot.
In h~rojpts ample to augment my treasures
Behola ilie fruits of your sagacious measures.
The pumtual planets, to their period just,
Attest your wisdom, and approve my trust;
I|[ to ., jsl -.A, i,-.sm eartsin hints irrational,
Had giewh made tlhe seasons' course less national.
IaD.! the n~aard your shining virtues bring-
T7segrateel placemen bless their usefs king 1
E~t while.you qiaff the nectar of,my favour
Imwean teaammewat modify its flavour,
By jesanfusingae peculiar dash
Of teVe bitter in the calabash.
And shuld you, too abstemious, disdain it,
Egad! I' Ildna7lyw naes till you drain it!.
"Y ou know, you dogs, your -master long has felt
A heen distemper in the royal pelt--
A certain superficial irritation,
bought home, I fancy, from some foreign nation.
For tisna thousndai.mples you've prescribed--
Ungiuets eternal, draughts to be imbibed;
You've.plundered Scotland of its plants, the seas
You've ravished, and despoiled the Hebrides,.
To brew me remedies which in probation,
Were sov'zeign only-in their application.
In vain, and eke in pain, I have applied
Your flatisg unctiono to my soul aAd hide;
oepe with fie herbs has been my daily food-
Tre.mwalHwed. treacle, by the holy rood!
Your wisdom, which sufficed to guide the year,
And tame the seasons in their mad career,
When set to higher purposes has failed me,
And added anguish to the ills that ailed me.
Nor that alone; for each ambitious leech
His rival's skill has laboured to impeach
By nameless schemes, and notions non-vocabular,
Submanual and also supertabular.
For years, to conqicer our respective broils,
We've plied, each other with pacific oils.
In vain; your turbulence is unallayed,
My flame unquenched-your rioting unstayed;
My life so wretched from your strife to save it,
Death were most welcome did I dare to brave it.
With zeal inspired by your intemp'rate pranks,
My subjects muster in contending ranks ;
Those fling their banners to the startled breeze,
To fight for Royal Embrocation-these
The standard of the Royal Purge display,
And neathh that ensign wage the' wasteful fray.
Torrents of sweat roll smoking o'er the lea,
Brave tongues are thundering from sea to sea ;
My people perish in their martial fear,
And squealing bagpipes cleave the royal ear!
"Now, caitiffs, tremble, for this very-hour
Your injured monarch shall assert his pow'r!
Behold this lotion, carefully compound
Of all the poisons you for me have found-
Of biting washes such as tan the skin,
And drastic drugs to vex the man within.
What aggravates must certainly produce-
I mean to rub you with this dreadful juice !
Divided counsels you no more shall hatch-
At last you shal unanimously scratch.
Kneel, villains, kneel, and doff your shirts-God bless us!
They'll seem, when you resume them, shirts of Nessus!"
The sov'reign ceased and sealing what he spoke,
From Arthur's Seat confirming thunders broke.
The conscious culprits, to their fate resigned,
Sank to their knees, all piously inclined.
This act, from high Ben Lomond where she floats,
The thrifty goddess, Caledonia, notes;


Glibly as nimble sixpence, down she tilts
Headlong, and ravishes away their kilts.
The king advanced-then cursing fled amain,
Dashing the phial to the stony plain
(Where't straight became a fountain brimming o'er,
Whence Father Tweed'la rieashis liquid store.)
For lo already to each: back sans stitch
Clave the-red saddle of the Rosy Witch!

The try. EPlicy at Last.
ACCORDING to the GlaoS-
'Tse grand old system of~ectibereasoning, for which the world is indebted to
H.ETranciscan of the 13b:.eSzagu4lhaa done some of its best work in the depart-
x.lt of politics. That aiatea Is themieAhod of true Tory statesmanship, and it
;I .tl key to "a Teo peley" 'It dominant idea is experiment based on
p aee; as oppose toanme the outcrop of a fallible genius. Mr.
DiaeIsmethod pre-eentxlgetl inductive.
rW.e ,tei we have theilw g wiahed-for revelation of the Tory policy.
I's.trus that though. egsR rBsaconin the 13th century did not invent
indIAlire reasoning (that being reserved for Francis Bacon in .the
sixteenth,, yet some think he invented gunpowder and blew off'the
roof of his cell with it, and this probably typifies the Tory policy
mare clearly than the. other. Thetmeaning of the phrase "experiment
based on experience," that is to say, experiment which is not tentative
and -therefore not experimental, must remain obscure until the G'Ase
writes again. on the subject

Thi Tory Muse.
rT is gratifying at a time when, to judge from the severity with
which. a squib quoted by, and atranslation of Homer written by, Mr.
Gladatone, were criticised, one of the first steps of Conservative re-
action would be to abolish poetry, to.find that the leading Tory paper
"'keeps a,poet." On Valentine's Day the Standard gave to the world
a parody of a well-known song under the title of '-The Tea Littlp
Sinnes." Of the quality of the effusion one couplet will afford a-fair
sample:
Two littlegnmers looking very glum,
The Chure, of. cEnglandhoked one, and then there was one.
The canons of rhyme would certainly have choked the bard, if thev
had caught him, for coupling up "glum" and "one" in Apollo's
curricle.



[We cannot return unaccepted XMS. or Sketckes, unless they are accost-
panied by a staTmped and d-rected enselope, and we do enot hald ournse;
responsible for Pas.]
C. A. (154, Loughborough-road.)-We are much obliged for your en-
closure, but Mr. Disraeli's "education" has been wasted on his party, if
you cannot see the difference between suggestion and direction.
F. (Westminster.)-Pray you fetch away the joke you cracked. It will
not pay for the rivets.
G. (Grange over Sands.)-When would-be contributors address us per-
sonally instead of directing to the Editor, it may occasion their being
committed to the Waste Paper Basket unread.
IMAz.-Not of the slightest use. We object to plagiarism.
Tvro.-We hope you will soon t-ir o' such things.
PENETTx.-You show little penette-tration when you threaten if we
publish this you will send other pieces." Not if we can prevent it!
FJICKSTya.-We should say-bt we won't swear to it-that
"Order is Heaven's first law"
was written by a dramatist whose friends all wanted to go and see his
new piece on the first night.
JEAxES.-If any solicitor had undertaken to pay us a handsome salary
for advising self-elect lawyers who have fools for their clients, we might
counsel you as to the law; about which we are almost as ignorant as you
are. As it is, we won't.
W. C. (Upper Kennington-lane.)-By no means, thank you.
W. D. (Staplehurst.)-We really cannot undertake to answer such
questions.
R. (Liverpool.)-The weather may be severe, but your lines to it are a
worse frost.
P. T.-Haven't seen it.
BALLOT-Box.--Shut up! The returning officer ought to have seen that
you were shut up securely.
J. B. H.--Thanks for the cutting.
Declined with Thanks:-S. S., Glo'ster; A Disappointed Elector; B.,
Islington; Jack, Liverpool; One of the Winners; -, Vestry-road; F. G.,
Clerkenwell; A Regular Reader; W. W., Glasgow; R., Dublin; 0. t. I. C.,
Aylesford; W. E., St. Leonard's; A. H., Richmond; Wallaby; C., South
Norwood; G. R. F., Cork; J. S., Edinburgh; Lost Liberal; F. W., St.
John's-wood; A. G. B., Brixton; R., Wanstead; Lover of Puns; S., Brom-
ley-common; G., Bow-churchyard; Adam; G. D., Camberwell; A. J. M,
Liverpool; G. M., Gresham-street; R. S. B., Deptford; A Circular; D..
Piccadilly; That Old Hat; T. H., Hackney; An Old Admirer; P,, Oxford;
T. M., Liverpool.


FnEB.A&Y 28, 1874.]








FUN.


[FEBRUARY 28, 1874.


NOT IMPROBABLE.
Aunt Biddy :-" How OLD SHOULD I TAKE Miss MACWHEEDLE TO BE, IS IT? WELL, MY DEARS, I SHOULD SAY SHE'LL NEVER SEE
THIRTY-FIVE AGALN-NO, NOT IF SHE LIVED TO BE AS OLD AS METHOOSEL'M "


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
FEBRUARY.
St. Paul's contains Mr. Forbes's version of the story of L. E. L., a
not quite satisfactory copy of verses from the author of "White Rose
and Red," and a very quaint "Apotheosis df the Policeman" by
Matthew Browne. The Editor will do well at once to discard The
Stranger," who gives a journal of a residence in Bermondsey. When
he tells us that on his arrival at London Bridge his luggage is
seized by thieves, who steal watches 'under the very noses of the
officials of the station, and that nobody knows at the station where
Bermondsey is, we can only answer that it is neither vero, nor ben
trovato. We are afraid this person must be American.
Tinsley's is better than usual, simply on the strength of an accurate
narrative of the adventures of a brass tap issued with the usual red-
tape streamers from the War Department to a regiment on foreign
service.
The Atlantic Monthly has a charming paper on Agassiz, an excellent
story, "Faithful Bean," and-from Oliver Wendell Holmes-a
"Ballad of the Boston Tea-party." that may well stand side-by-side
with the world-renowned Punchbowl."
No English magazine can compete with Scribner's Monthly, either
for quantity or quality. The cuts moreover are excellent. In his


"Representative Triad" Mr. Stedman shows, propose of Hood, that
complete lack of the appreciation of humour and wit, with which it
pleases Heaven to afflict some people. He should be specially retained
to edit epitaphs. It will surprise no one to learn that this gentle-
man places Mr. Matthew Arnold alongside of Hood as a poet! His is
the criticism of a dry-goods store.
Our old friend Chambers's Journal has been dozing a little of late,
and wants a little more energy, though there is no fault to be found
with "The Lily of the Alley or the Doomed Ship."
RECEIVED : Good Words, Sunday Magazine, Young Lady's
Journal, Westminster Papers, Leisure Hour, Sunday at Home, Mirror,
Young Folks' Budget, Golden Hours, Cope's Tobacco Plant, London
Society.

.: Hark-ye I logical.
SI some isolated instances we regret to note that at the polling-
booth stones were used as arguments. How sad is it to see that, with-
out the excuse of political excitement, geologists expose themselves to
the same imputation!
A NEW CRY (FOR BACHELORS).-No Incum-brance- No Income-
Tax!


FOR BREAKFAST.


CHlOCOL T MEtIER.


FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctora' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. .-London, February 28, 1874.







MARCH 7, 1874.]


FUlN.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 362.
JUDGE, counsel, and jury, in grand array,
Month after month, and day after day,
Have followed the case on its winding way,
It's over now-bat so tired we've got
That if we were asked we should say like a shot,
Dig a great hole and bury the lot,
Judge, counsel, and jury, the whole of the pot.
1. The lodger, who lives next door to me,
Is a man of musical fancies,
But he cannot distinguish A. from G.,
Which not altogether enhances
The great delight with which I should bristle
Whenever he condescends to whistle.
2. In another shape
I was called a grape,
But very little my pride it hurts
When you say that in me you have your deserts.
3. If the blind bard contrived to speak
Only one half of me in Greek
Within the week,
What wrongs his hearers had to wreak !
4. Put the drug
In a mug,
Secret spells like witches working,
Sickly green
Hippocrene,
Death and madness in it lurking.
5. Come fill up your bumper, good mine host,
A political triumph now you boast,
For statecraft, honesty, and brain
This time the contest failed to gain,
And you have brought our rulers in
On copious floods of beer and gin.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 360, Severe Frosts:-
Scarf, Elector, Violoncello, Exequies, Raft, Emphasis.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC No. 360, received 20th Feb.:-
Suffolk Dumpling; Ruby's Ghost; D. E. H.; Guitar; Margate
Vicarage; Cato; Grip; Hoptop; Pipekop; Charley and Ti;
Pipekop's Pupils; Peggotty.

DOCTRINE FOR GOOD TAILORs.-The survival of the
fit test.


THE ACE OF CLUBS.
IN these days, when Members of Parliament are as a rule the dele-
gates of the Licensed Victuallers, it behoves us all to read with the
deepest devotion and attention the journal which is the acknowledged
organ of the publican interest; and we found in it on the 23rd of
February an explanation of-we might almost say an apology for-an
error which the Advertiser "hastened to rectify," and which, there-
fore, must have been of greater importance than at first sight it would
seem to be. It appears that our contemporary, in chronicling an
important event in the shape of the Annual Dinner of the Whitefriars
Club, mentioned, as chairman on that auspicious occasion, the name
of Mr. A. instead of the name of Mr. B., to whom
The Club owes something more than its existence, that gentleman being not
only its founder, but the chief and most able administrator of its affairs, and per-
petual President by acclamation.
When the Advertiser has left off hastening after that error, perhaps it
would not mind stopping to tell us something we are gasping after it
to learn. Will it tell us what the Whitefriars Club is ?

A Plea for Mercy.
A MILKMAN, at Balham, has been fined twenty shillings and costs
for selling milk that had been mixed with water. In the interests of
the innocent holders of shares in Water Companies we protest against
this tyrannical oppression. It is utterly impossible to drink the fluid
supplied by the Water Companies unless it is disguised with some
other liquids, of which milk, being opaque, or nearly so, is one of the
handiest. If this absurd persecution is still carried on, the Water
Companies will be compelled io liquidate, and their officers, with a
large number of other highly respectable pumps, will be thrown out of
employ.
MAY catastrophes such as the destruction of the Pantechnicon
be "like angel's visits "--feu and far between.


ONE FOR HIS NOB.
Hairdresser :-" KNOW ANYTHING ABOFT PHRENOLOGY ? BLESS YER 'ART,
SIR, o' COURSE I DO LoOK AT THE SPLENDID HOPPERTUNITY O' PRACTICE I
'AVE:-NOW FOR INSTANCE YOUR 'BAD-CAPITAL ONE, TOO, SIR! 'AS THE
BUMP OF Benevolence STRONGLY "-- [rown forgets the rest.


ONLY.
ONLY a few eyes weep, a few lives darken,
When those depart who inade such mirth for all;
Only a few hearts sadden when they hearken
The death-bell's solemn call.
Only a ship in the horizon's farness
Vanished for ever from our mortal ken;
Only a soldier, dying in his harness,
Fighting the fight of men.
Take up the bier, or officer or private,
One of the army in whose ranks he fell;
May we-when the Dead March we shall arrive at-
Only be mourned as well!
Poor soldiers we, in uniform of folly,
A band of crape about the motley sleeve,
Above the grave we fire a parting volley,
And say not how we grieve!

Hold your Ja-
A CORRESPONDENT of The Times records that-
On Monday, the 27th of August, 1866, Ja-Ja, breakfasting with me on board
her Majesty's ship Oberon, admitted that he was a cannibal, and that there was
nothing so delicious as a little boy's ankle.
We consider The Times to blame for publishing such statements. We
are not violently cannibalistic, but we must admit that that little boy's
ankle has been running in our head ever since; and has created a
desire which nothing but stewed oysters-described by a well-known
writer as a near approach to scalloped baby-has been able to repress.
And the worst of it is that our appetite for the dainty must be clearly
expressed in our countenance, for if we ever stop to contemplate a darling
in its perambulator, its nurse at once hurries it off in feverish excite-
ment, which is a reflection on our gentle, inoffensive moral character.


VOL. XIX. I


97








FUN.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 4, 1874.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING-
OR,
CONSERVATIVE REACTION.*

SCENE :-D0owning Street.
Enter Dogberry, Verges, and Sexton in gown, and the Watch with
prisoners.
Dogberry.-Is our whole dissembly appeared ?
Serton.--Which be the malefactors ?
Dlogb.- Marry that am I and my partner.
Verges.-Nay, that's certain.
Dogb.-Let the Watch come forth :-Masters, I chargeyou accuse
these men.
Watchman.-Marry he said he hal five millions surplus of John
Bull for managing finances rightfully.
l ogb.-sFlat burglary as ever was committed.
Watchman.-And that he did mean upon his word to remit the
Income Tax before the whole assembly.
JDoqb.-Oh, villain, he will be. condemned into everlasting redemp-
tion for that!
Sexton.-Master Constable, let these men be bound.
1)ogb.-Come, let them be opinioned. (To prisoner.) Dost thounot
suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? I am a wise
fellow; and, which is more, an office-er; and, which is more, a place-
holder; and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any in
Westminster; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that
bath had losses: and one that hath two gowns, and everything
handsome about him (ask Lothair). Oh, that Ihad been writ down-
an ass.!

Reason in Roasting ,Eggs.
Soais enthusiastic amateur gardener, in the shape of a special
correspondent, has made thisonew, original, and startling discovery: -
The Japanese, after planting seeds, protect them with sash frames covered with
paper. These frames they set on stakes two or three inches from the ground.
These paper frames.protect the seeds 'from the drying'effeet of the wind and too
strong light.- They also keep the soil, at'aaequable moisture. After the plants
get out of their seed-leaf thepaper screens are removed.
As this gentleman seems to be, not only desirous of information,but also
sufficiently devoid of it to be capable of holding a fair quantity of the
article, we offer him the following lesson :-Take an egg, the fresher
the better, and puncture it carefully at both ends. Place the small
end to your lips, and by exhausting your breath, procure by suction
the entrance of the contents of the shell into your mouth. Having
done this three or four times with complete success, you will be fully
qualified to impart instruction on the subject to the mother of either
of your parents.

Going in One Lot!
WE are told by a Yankee journal that-
A girl in Albany, aged 17, recently committed suicide, her only reason being
"general dissatisfaction with her lot."
Well, what did she want such a lot for? If she had but picked out
one sweetheart with a little real estate and a few dollars to spend in
gloves and chignons she would have been better off. But then
perhaps her name was Lottie, and if so, according to Darwin there
was no help for this little development.

Too Bad.
IT is gathered from the statistical returns, that-
Out of 212 samples of tobacco analysed at the offices of the Inland Revenue
Board in 1872, there were as many as 129 adulterated.
This is simply infamous, because it takes the bread out of the mouths
of those otherwise helpless and hopeless, noodles, who make a poverty-
stricken living out of The Anti-Tobacco Movement." How can
they keep on piling up the agony about poisonous nicotine when half
the tobacco they denounce isn't tobacco at all!

Free and Independent.
A PRoveNCIAL journal smacks its ecstatic lips over this evidence of
Conservative reaction:-
Mr Gilbert Greenall, the newly-elected member for Warrington, has given
1,000 towards the building of a new hospital and dispensary in that town.
Will not the electors be, also green-all, if they do: not continue to
elect this generous being-at any, rate as long as, he supports the
hospital he has established. When he gets' tired' of it, we -recommend
them to try some one who is good for an almshouse.
We hasten to apologise to the author of the latest edition of Antony and
Cleopatra for seeming to interfere with his privilege of burlesquing Shakspeare.


[MARCH 7, 1874.


THE TALE OF A COAT.
M.n, ALGERNON JARvIs, of San Francisco, got up cross. The world
of Mr. Jarvis had gone wrong with him overnight, us one's world is
apt to do when one sits up with jovial friends to watch it, and he was
prone to resentment. No sooner, therefore, had he got himself into a
neat, gentlemanly suit of clothing, than he selected his morning walk-
ing-stick, and sallied out upon the town with a vague general deter-
mination to attack something. Obviously his first victim would
naturally have been his breakfast; but curiously enough he fell upon
this with so feeble an energy that he was himself beaten-to the
grieved astonishment of the worthy rotisseur, who had to record his
hitherto puissant patron's maiden defeat. Three or four cups of eaf6
noir were the only'captives that graced Mr. Jarvis' gastric chariot-
wheels for that morning.
He then ignited a cigar, and sauntered moodily down the street, so
occupied with schemes of universal retaliation that his dainty little
feet had it all their own way; in consequence of which their owner
soon found himself in the billiard-room of the Occidental Hotel.
There was nobody there, but Mr. Jarvis was a privileged character;
so going to the marker's desk he took out a little square box of ivory
balls, spilled them carelessly over a table, and languidly assailed them
with a long stick.
Presently, by the merest chance, he executed a marvellous stroke.
Waiting till the astonished balls had resumed their composure, he
gathered them up, replacing them in their former position. He tried
the stroke again, and, naturally, did not make it. Again he placed
the balls, and again he failed to score. With a vexed and humiliated
air he once more put the ivory globes in position, leaned over the table,
and was upon the point of striking, when there sounded a solemn
voice from behind:
Bet you two bits you don't make the riffle !"
Mr. Jarvis erected himself; he turned about and looked upon the
speaker, whom he' found to be an utter stranger-one who most
people would prefer should remain a stranger. Mr. Jarvis made no
reply. In the first place, he was a man of aristocratic taste, to whom
a wager of two bits was simply vulgar. Secondly, the man who
had proffered it evidently had not the money. Still it is annoying to
have one's skill questioned by one's social inferiors, particularly when
one has doubts of it oneself, and is otherwise ill-tempered. So Mr.
Jarvis stood his cue against the table, laid off his fashionable morning-
coat, resumed his stick,- spread his elegant figure upon the table, with
his back to the ceiling, and took deliberate aim.
At this point Mr. Jarvis drops out of this history, and is seen no
more for ever. The class to which he adds lustre is sacred from the
pen of the true humorist; there is no fun to be got out of it. What,
in England, we call the hupper suckles" are, in their habits,
conversation, and general manner of life, sufficiently ridiculous but
never laughable. So now we will dismiss this uninteresting young
aristocrat, retaining merely his outer shell, the fashionable morning-
coat, which Mr. Stenner, the gentleman who had offered the wager,
has quietly thrown across his arm, and is conveying away for his own
advantage.
An hour later Mr. Stenner sat in his humble lodgings at North
Beach, with the pilfered garment upon his knees. He had already
taken the opinion of an eminent pawnbroker-a miserable Jew at the
corner of Kearney and Commercial-streets, who once swindled the
author of this tale-upon its value, and it only remained to search the
pockets. Mr. Stenner's ideas concerning gentlemen's coats were not
as clear as they might have been. Broadly stated, they were that
these garments abounded in secret pockets crowded with a wealth of
bank notes interspersed with gold coins. He was, therefore, disap-
pointed when his careful quest was rewarded with only a delicately
perfumed handkerchief, upon which he could not hope to obtain a loan
of more than ten cents; a pair of valueless gloves; and a bit of paper,
which was not a cheque. A second look at this latter object, however,
inspired hope. It was about the size of a haddock, ruled in wide lines,
and bore in conspicuous characters the words, Western Union Tele-
graph Company." Immediately below this interesting legend was
much other printed matter, the purport of which was that the company
did not hold itself responsible for the verbal accuracy of the follow-
ing message," and did not consider itself either morally or legally
bound to forward or deliver it, nor, in short, to render any kind of
equivalent for the money paid by the sender.
Quite unfamiliar with telegraphy, Mr. Stenner naturally supposed
that a message subject to these hard conditions must be one, of not
only very grave importance, but decidedly questionable character.
So he determined to decipher it at that time and place. In the course
of the day he succeeded in so doing. It ran as follows, omitting the
date and the names of persons and places, which were, of course, quite
illegible :
Buy Sally Meeker "
Had the full force of this remarkable adjuration burst upon Mr.
Stenner all at once it might have carried him away, which would not
have been so bad a thing for San Francisco; but as the meaning had








MARCH 7, 1874.]


FUUN.


to percolate slowly through a great dyke of dense ignorance, it pro-
4dncednmolotheraimmediateeffect.than theexclamation, "Well, I'll be
bust t!"
'n-athle mouths of some :people this'form of expression means a great
Adeall. Lisping infants employ it loosely .and variously; usually they
.indiote by it only amaild surprise that they cannot 'erect a stack of
idomiaoee a mile high on the .back 'of the cat. Upon the Stenner
itonguaeitsignified merely the shqpeless nature of the Stenner mental

. jtlmtut be confessed-by persons outside a certain limited and
.,soiflid ,irole-that the advice lacks amplification and elaboration; in
'aitrevse -bald diction there is a ghastly suggestion of traffic in human
tfteifBh,-for which in California there is no market since the abolition of
i4lavery and the importation of thoroughbred beeves. If woman
.,stifage had been established all would have been clear; Mr. Stenner
'wouid 'ave at once understood the kind of purchase advised; for in
imiflar transactions he had very*often changed' 'hands himself. But it
was all 'a huddle, and resttlving to dismiss :the matter from his,
b-thoghts, the went to bed thinking 'f, nothing -dse, until, just by way
'of diverting his mind, he got up, went out into tfeildarker streets azns
1tished-a few Chinese. All to o purpose; for twenty-four hours ,his
'excited imagination would 'do :nothing but purchase lightly damaged
''Sally 'eekers by the bale, and'retail them to himsidff atanenormous
profit.
Next 'day, it flashed'npen 'dm who Sally Meeber was-a racing
mare! At this perfectly obvionesaultion .the prdb'lem e,-was-over-
come with amazement Atiis 'own sagaifty. 'Madinginto the-streetihe
purchased, not Sally Meeker, 'b-at, 'a sportingg paper--dited by a,
-low fellow named Mordil, who once off ndedethe-authorofithis sketch
-and in it he found the notice of a mee -whieh was to come off the
-following week; and sure enough there it'was.:
Hank Doble enters gLg. tiser; 'SebbSctiyenters bg. Lightning; ,
.Staley Tupper enters .sisAJpauadet; Sim. 'lpaer enters b.m. Sally
'Meeker."
It was clear as .mid new: the senderAe the' depatdh 'was "in, te e
ring:" Sally Meeker was to win, and her owner, who d-id not know
-it, had offered her for-sale. At'ithataipame'moment 'Mr. Stenner
would have willingly"been a rich man! In fact he resolved 'to be.
He at once betook him -o the town of Vallejo, where heihad formerly,
resided until invited ,away by some influential Nitizens of the place.
There he immediately sought outt an iridustrious friend'wh'o had'an'
amiable weakness for *' draw poker," and an *whom 'fMr. Sterner
regularly encouraged thatpassion'by going upAg st him everypay-
'day and despoiling him at his hard earnings. 'lle-did it this time, to
the amount of one hundred ollars.a
-No sooner bad 'Mr. 'Stenner raked in the last pool, and refused 'Ais
friends' appeal for a trifling loan wherewith to pay for breakfast,
(than he bought a check on the Bank of California, enclosed it in a
letter containingmaerely the words Bi SalyMeker," and despatched.
it byaail to the only clergyman in San Francisoo-iaose name he:hnew
-a dull fellow named Boltright, who once tried to convert the'author
of this sketch. Mr. Stenner had a vague notion that all kinds of
business requiring strict honesty and fidelity might be profitably
intrusted to the clergy; otherwise what was the use of religion ? I
hope I shall not be accused of disrespect for the cloth in thus bluntly
setting forth Mr. Stenner's estimate of the parsons, inasmuch as I do
not share it.
This business off his mind, Mr. Stenner unbent in a week's intoxica-
tion; at the end of which he worked his passage down to San
Francisco to secure his winnings on the race, and take charge of his
peerless mare. It will be observed that his notions concerning races
were somewhat confused; his experience of them had hitherto been
confined to that branch of the business requiring, not technical know-
ledge but manual dexterity. In short, he had done no more than pick
the pockets of the spectators. Arrived at San Francisco he was
hastening to the residence of his clerical agent, when he met an
acquaintance, to whom he put the triumphant question How about
Sally Meeker P "
Sally IMeeker ? Sally Meeker ? was the thoughtful reply. 0,
you mean the heoss Why she's gone up the flum. Broke her neck
the first heat. But Watsisname es never a-goin' to fret hisself to a
shadder about it. He's struck it pizen in the mine she was named
a'ter, and the stock's gone up from nothing' out o' sight. You couldn't
tech that stock with a ten-foot pole! "
Which was a blow to Mr. Stenner. He saw his error: the fatal
message had evidently been sent to a broker, and referred to the stock
of the "Sally Meeker" mine. And he, Stenner, was a ruined
man!
C'ar-r-r-ramebo This Iberian oath rolled from Mr. Stenner's
tongue like a cannonball hurled along an uneven floor! Might it not
be that the Rev. Mr. Boltright had also misunderstood a message and
had bought, not the mare, but the stock? The thought was electrical:
Mr. Stenner ran-he flew! He tarried not at walls and the smaller
sort of houses, but went over them! In five minutes he stood 'before


the good clergyman-and in one more had asked, in a hoarse whisper,
if he had bought any Sally Meeker."
My good friend," was the bland reply-" my fellow traveller to
eternity, it-wouldimore comport with your substantial needs to inquire
what you shall do to be saved. .But since you ask me I will confess
that, having received what I am compelled to regard as a providential
intimation accompanied with the secular means of obedience, I did put
up a small margin,' and purchase largely of the stock you mention.
The venture, I =am constrained to state, was not wholly unpro-
fitable."
Unprofitable! The :good man had made a square twenty-five
thousand dollars on that mall 'margin'! What is more, he's got it
yet.
Whioh.isjpeolape$judgmentlupon 'Mr. Stenner, I don't know.


THE 'STAGE.
1n -A WaMXr 1PLAYoosa.
Ir Kemble 'orif 'Garrik could only rise Again,
And go to Covent Garden, or visit Drury Lane;
If Burbage in ;his shroud-perhaps he'd need'another robe,
Could:once again revisit earth and drop-in at The Globe ;
Suppose that to the theatrescame Siddons0or iracegirdle-
,Poor ghosts, they might as wdl!,be seatto Vyburn on a hurdle-
'yburnia, -once4he quarter wheAritheytemedefft alefactors,
Bat now the place where stupid ol46ikgegaee'o'silly actors;
Andamot eentent with that alone, Id&anch:sillyMlplays,
Ais.e'Werad ibeen permitted in the a s early dys ;
:F'or w'atitidvantage can there beto'either stage or true art,
From Amy'Robsarta, WanderingilgtlE, 'or plays fike Marie Stuart!



TaE 1ch makesa.tatgana siginW observationpropos *of o.
.2, Wh ehall Qardea,.r. israel'is new London residence The
%nserastie 'Premier is sirdomed that if he had lived in 1649, and if
'.there is .mah virtue in-several "ifs ")'-o. '2, Wlitdhall Gardens,
had thetiBappenedito be in existence-
'Be aBgt have witnessed from his west windows the'flt4iAon 41 6f1alu- s tfh e
;,zgt, ,ho was lehedled asit ifhitehal, kthin.a 'pi b6elotf 'r. 'trali's
If, namorepser, 'he Jad happened tolive'.ttfile of centuries before that,
and So. '2, Whitehall Gardens had been'lSo. 2, in the Gardenof Eden,
"he might have seen the Ive of a general election tempted by the
serpent of Conservative reaction to take aibite out of the apple of the
ballot.

Ink-ready-ble.
ArN American paper records that-
A. western stump orator, in the course of one of his speeches remarked:
Gentlemen, if the Par-sy-fix ocean wor an inkstand, and the hull clouded canopy
of heaven and the level ground of our yearth wor a sheet of paper, I couldn't begin
to write my love of country onto it."
Perhaps that orator didn't know how to write at all; in which case'
the size of the inkstand and the sheet of paper would be unimportant.
His large demand for stationery at any rate is suspiciously like the
intensity with 'which ignorant people, desirous of impressing you with
their learning, insist on telling you everything they don't know.

Odd Rabbit it I
Commenting on the, practice of rabbit-coursing, the Echo states'that
the timid creatures are-
Released in front of the dogs, surrounded on every side by a shrieking crowd,
not knowing whither to fly.
We cannot pretend to be fly to the cowardly sport; at the same time it
is difficult to see how a shrieking crowd could surround" the animals
save on every-side.

No Longer in Doubt.
THE visit of the Emperor of all the Russias to the metropolis during
the season may be looked upon as a Czar-tainty.

Question for the Herald's College.
WHAT relationship exists between the British lion and a unicorn "
constituency _

Strange Law of Love.
A RIVAL causes jealousy-it's ardour where there's none.







FPUN.


[MARCH 7, 1874.


RE-ACTION.
First Conservative (New order) :-"Now wn'TE LIFTED UP THEM CONSARTITIVES INTO POWER, WOT'LL THEY DO FOR US?"
Second Conservative (New order) :-" WHY THEY'LL DO BOMINK WOT'LL MAKE US 'EV TO LIFT EM DO WN AGAIN "


OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
MR. DisxRALI "completes his Government. IJo-bas rien nest
complete que le malheur," Balzac. = A big fight to get into Coomassie.
Coffee apparently was nowise the essence of Done. = Lord Chief
Justice Cockburn concluded his generous eulogium of virtue and
piety on Saturday. We hope virtue and piety feel the better for
it. = Railway companies making vigorous struggles for the removal
of duty on passengers. Their duty to passengers-in the way of
carrying them safely-has long been abolished. = Spain still struggles
to obtain the notice of other nations. She earns their contempt, so
far. = The United States are on the verge of their centenary. They
are still rather young for their age. = Marshal acahon hals found
the way to the hearts of the Left Centre. He has invited them to
dinner. = Common Council has been haggling over the price of the
proposed present to the Grand Duchess. We sincerely hope she will
decline it altogether, after that. = The Oxford and Cambridge crews
have gone into training. It is reported by the best judges that one of
them is certain to win, but it is not as yet confidently stated which.
Supply of railway accidents continues to be more than equal to the
demand. = Corporation votes a thousand pounds for the relief of the
Indian famine. It might supplement the vote by one for a hundred
pence for the London famine, just for a change. = Gravesend has
bought a chain for its Mayor. Who would not be Mayor of
Gravesend about once in a century ? = Weather beastly. What
is the use of Conservative Reaction if we can't have fine
weather ?


"Sirs, ye are brethren."
IT appears that some thief has stolen Thurlow Weed's watch, with
the portraits inside of the veteran editor's wife and children." The
New York Herald begs the thief to return the watch; "for it cannot but
be that the rogue has some day tasted salt with the old gentleman, who
has been a labourer on the press* through so many, many years."
The Herald quotes the story of Joseph the Tinker of Persia, who, after
tasting salt accidentally in "a crib he had cracked," restored the
proceeds of the burglary, and afterwards became a king. The Herald
is sure that the thief who stole Thurlow Weed's watch will never
become a king if he keeps it. But it is thought that he might be
almost anything if he spent its value in advertising in the Herald.

The Reason is Obvious.
WE read in an American paper that-
The amenities of journalism are scarcely preserved in Cincinnati. The news-
paper editors have been calling each other hard names for months, and some of
them are now complaining that nobody will bring a libel suit.
We do not know what the amenities of American journalism may be,
for we never saw any; but the reason why none of the Cincinnati
editors bring actions for libel is obvious enough. They are waiting
to be charged with something that cannot be proved against them.

This would seem to argue that the thief is in all probability another labourer
on the press! Complimentary to the press!





FJFUN.-MAECH 7, 1874.










































MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING; OR, THE CONSERVATIVE REACTION.
Dogberry (Mr. Disraeli) :-" IS OUR WHOLE DISSEMBLY APPEARED "








FUN.


IMAiCw 7, 1874.]


THE MIDNIGHT OIL.
Happy' philosophers, born of old,
Whose long laborious hours of toil,
Were always lightened, as we are told,
By that cheerful helpmate, the midnight oil.
We-the modern slaves of the pen-
Have not the same advantage, alas!
For when the sunlight deserts us-then
We must fall back on the midnight gas.,
And now, since the reign of temperate Bruce,
When all the publics at twelve are closed,
The Companies throw out of public use
Half of the pressure they superimposed.
Jets may flicker, and meters gasp,
Only permit the funds to amass
So that the Companies profit grasp
By cheating folks of'their midnight gas.

Conservative Reaction.
AN inhabitant of Weymouth, profoundly impressed
with the importance of that town being represented
in Parliament, got so excited over the election in 1868
that he tried to commit suicide. At the late election he
tried again, and. this time was successful. The Con-
servative party thereby loses not only a vote, but one of
the living arguments in favour of its claim to be known
as the stupid party."

On the-Brussels---Carpet.
'_THE improved health of M. Vieuxtemps has enabled
'that accomplished musician to withdraw his resignation
as director at the Royal Canservatoire of Brussels.
When he resumes his post,, fit as a fiddle, it must look
like-old times.

The Long and. Short of it.
THE ensuing session of Parliament will probably be
brief ; it may be inferred from the prominent part taken
by publicans at the general election, that an all-engross-
ing subject for discussion will be something short."

Fighting for the Crown.
How can it be expected that the British'lion will look
with favour upon unicorn constituencies ?


DISHONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
TO THE EDITOR or 'FUN.
SIn,-To you as a guardian of some kinds of public morality I
appeal. If you read on a placard in the public Thoroughfare-
TRIAL OF THE CLAIMANT.
THE CLOSE OF THE TRIAL.
IMPORTANT STATEMENT BY THE LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.
INDISPOSITION OF HIS LORDSHIP.
Would you not think that the Tichborne trial had come to an end,
and that the Lord Chief Justice was ill ? If you would, and should
proceed to buy a paper to read all about it; then Sir, in that case
"dishonesty is the best policy," for such was the device upon the
strength of which a journal tried to sell a very dull number on
Wednesday last; the truth being that the Lord Chief Justice said he
should take a holiday the next day and finish his summing upon
Saturday. I do not know much about newspapers, but do such things
pay in the long run ? Yours truly; OLD FASHION.

A. large Cure- of Soles.
THE Committee of Claims in the United States Congress is don-
sidering the bill of a corn-doctor for removing forty-six thousand
dollars' worth of bunions from the feet of the soldiers of the Northern
Army during the war. One way and another that army had a
terrible amount of walking-and running -to do in that war; and' if
the doctor could save the men the necessity of a Pilgrim's Progress by
taking away their bunions, he certainly ought to have his forty-six
thousand' dollars. It is true that our first Bunyan involved us in the
Pilgrim's Progress for a sum infinitely smaller, but that only shows
how much more easily an evil is acquired than got rid of.


103


CASCADER !
Irascible Old Party (after having brought an angry discussion regarding the
window to a triumphant conclusion) :-" THERE, SIR, THE WINDOW SHALL BE
UP I SAY. I NEVER ALLOW A CAD, SIR; THERE, SIR, I SAY A CAD, SIR !-TO
HAVE HIS OWN WAY."
Cool Opponent :-" AH DON'T YOU, INDEED. I DO SOMETIMES !"


The Tree of Knowledge.
ACCORDING to the New York World there is in America-
A physiologist who, unlighted perhaps as to his intellect by the lamp of a fish
diet, proclaims to mankind that apples are the proper food, after all, of the
sedentary brain-workers. The apple, according to this observer, who obviously
investigates things to the core, contains more phosphorus, or brain sustenance,
than any other member of the vegetable republic ; therefore it is conducive to
mental activity.
This makes it clear that the apple tree is, just as Eve thought, a tree
to be desired to make men wise." We can also now understand how
it is that apple sauce is always eaten with that foolish bird, the goose.
It supplies the lacking element.

The Scotch Reel."
A FREE CHURCH clergyman in Argyleshire has just disestablished
and disendowed a beadle and bellman, for the sin of letting lodgings
to a man who taught dancing. We are also told that on the Sunday
after this act of justice and piety he drew a vivid picture of the
fearful condemnation awaiting all those who learn or practise the art
of dancing." We must leave statisticians to determine the comparative
morality of the nations which do and those which do not dance. But
we wonder whether the preacher included in his denunciations that
peculiarly Scotch reel" wlich is occasionally practised even on
Sunday. We dare bet drinks that he had too much respect for the
" spirit of the age" to include the whisky reel among the condemned
dances.
Truly an. Alarming Sacrifice.
THE distinguished author of more than one prediction as to the
probable dissolution of the globe was recently observed intently
regarding a placard in the window of a draper, where a clearingout
sale was in progress. It ran thus: THE LAST FEW DAYS!"








101 FUN.


HIGH CHURCH.
Jones:-"BY JovE, WHO'S THAT TALL YOUNG MAN TALKING TO Miss BROWN?'
The Elder Miss Brown :-" On, DON'T YOU KNOW, MR. JONES? Ma. LONGTON HE'S VERY
FROM CAMBRIDGE, THIRD WRANGLER, INTENDED FOR THE CHURCH, I BELIEVE "--
,J'nes :-" H'm, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT MORE LIKELY FPO THE STEEPLE, EH ? "


[MARCH 7, 1874.


CLEVER INDEED, YOU KNOW, JUST COME


SPORTING PROSPECTS.
THE most particular difference between the sporting year of 1873
and that of 1874, so far, is that you can look back upon the former,
while you have still to look forward to the latter. The winners of last
year are indelibly impressed upon the memory, especially of losers,
while those of the present are only stamped upon the imagination, and
only then when the imagination is imaginative, like mine for instance,
or that of Lprd Winchilsea.
This nobleman, who has given up the poetry of the future for the
fond remembrances of the past, has recently asked, Where is now
the Norfolk trotter, the Cleveland coach horse, and the neat hack'
of my younger days ?" I have looked out Lord Winchilsea in
Debrett, and venture to say, judging from his lordship's age, and
guided by his lordship's idea of singularity, They is dead." But I
only venture this as an opinion; for who would dare to assert any-
thing as a fact, after the facts of Lord Winchilsea, Admiral Rous, or
any of the other authorities now actively engaged in deciding whether
or not the racehorse is a vegetable or an animal substaAce ? Not I,
for one. His lordship has arrived so far on the way as to decide that
the racehorse is an exotic, but whether he will change his mind, or
whether the Admiral will allow matters to rest at that I am not in a
position to state.
As my own opinion is not likely to mislead anyone, I am, of course,
rather diffident about giving it. It is, however, this-that according
to the absolute facts adduced by the partisans of either side for the
purpose of substantiating their arguments, the thoroughbred of fifty
years ago and the thoroughbred of the present time are both best. If
there should be any difference it is that they are both alike; and as
there is no possibility whatever of instituting a comparison, or of
deciding the question by any practical test, I defy contradiction. At
the same time I should like to lay a little odds on a first-class horse


of the present day-say Cremorne-if he could, by any possibility, be
matched, at any distance and carrying any weight, against any of the
wonders of the good old times." But as among the prospects of the
year there is none of a match taking place, I will pass on to more
likely topics.
There is every prospect of good fields and exciting contests for both
Lincolnshire Handicap and Liverpool Grand National, both of which,
singular to remark, appear much nearer now than they did a few
weeks back. I may safely predicate that there will be only one
winner to each, and that he will in each case finish in front, though
this is not an absolute probability, the glorious uncertainty of the Turf
providing for other contingencies. Besides, I notice that, so far, at all
events, as the Liverpool Steeple Chase is concerned, there is every
probability of a Disturbance in connection with it.
In reply to several correspondents I beg to state that the Hyde
Park Plate, a new race for 500, will not be run along Rotten Row,
and that the funds are not provided from the constant overplus to be
found in possession of the South Kensington Commissioners. Though,
as the promoters of this race are likely to do very well indeed out of it,
the mistake as to their identity is pardonable. The meetings at
Aristocratic Ascot, Glorious Goodwood, and Appy Ampton will take
place as heretofore, and at the two former the dresses of the ladies will
be described as giving a varied and picturesque aspect to the scene,"
as giving an opportunity for the proud patrician beauty of England
to exhibit itself and its taste in colours," etc., etc., but there is no
prospect that large type adulation will be devoted to the carnival of
the costermonger.
Turning to matters of general sport, things look promising. Rowing
matches will be rowed in boats as before, and the eight-oared race be-
tween Oxford and Cambridge will not take place on the Regent's Canal,
as threatened a year or two back in consequence of the rudeness of the
people at Putney, who stared the paint off the front of the boat-houses,









FUN.


and quite took the wheels off both the coaches. My readers will be
glad to learn that I smoothed the ruffled brows of the rowers, and
bribed the directors of the New River Company not to lend their
stream, which was mentioned as a likely piece of water. This latter
was not difficult, as the N. R. Co. more often give nothing away than
not. But what credit is due I hope will be awarded me in these
columns, as I find it very hard to get in the district I inhabit. I am
not. sure whether one man can inhabit a district, unless he's a very
important person indeed, but this is a question I leave to the
Editor.
I have laid particular stress on the fact that rowing will continue
to be done in boats, for just now it is doubtful whether some sports
,and pastimes are to be conducted as formerly. Among a certain
section of cricketers there is great grief.because "batting has beaten
bowling," and some extraordinary planseare mooted for the purpose of
equalising the balance; and within the past few days a match has
been played for the championship at billiards on. a very ingenious
structure certainly, but not upon what is regarded as a billiard
table, by yours obediently, AUGSPUR..-

Suttonly,not!
Ms. StiTrow-described as "the photographer," but we thought
there were two or three of them-is stated to have discovered that if
calico is dipped for an instant- in dilute sulphurinaciddit is rendered:
waterproof :-
A waterproof for the million may thus be obtained at about a shilling a
garment.
This depends on the original price of the garment, and also to some
degree on the strength of the dilute acid, about which the paragraph
is discreetly silent. We gave good deal more than a shilling for the
shirt of which four buttons and a wristband (the one we held it by
when we dipped it) are the sole evidence of our having made the
experiment.


[We cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are aeconmz
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
F. (Hereford).-The "Ode to Sir Andrew Agnew" appeared in the
Comic Annual, and will be found in the 6 vol. collection, or Hood's Own,
2nd Series.
0. E. T. (Bath) observes, I have great pleasure in contributing to your
magazine." This remark is open to the objections that he does not con-
tribute, and that FUN is not a magazine.
F. G. 0. says, Let me know if this is not suitable, and I will try again."
Is this ingenuous or ingenious ? If we say.it is not suitable (which is
the truth), he will avenge himself on us by trying again. If to escape
that infliction we say it is suitable, and. consequently have to' insert it,
the British public will come down in a- body and kick us. We are as
much at a loss what to do as the Conservative Government!
F. (Barnsbury).-Under consideration..
DeMocRAT sends us a dozen sheets of foolseap (hope he;won'`tgeVa-eeold
in his head), entitled, Why did the Conservatives-get a Majority ?" Our
answer to the conundrum is, "'Cos they didt" Rb'may not be-right, but it
hasAthe advantage of brevity over our friend's answer..
R.S.-Much.obliged.
O D SbnLDIa;-Yes,/we-have heard of you before; Conveypyour in.
formation to the gallant regiment which. has the, honour of. serving'onw
bbard her Majesty's ships. .
Declined with thanks:-J. E. G., Kilburn; S., Islington; H. W8;
Reporter-; L., Twickenham; F. R., Southport; H. S, Roman-road1;-.,,
Uppingham; Wopshot; D. G., Liverpool; Comus; R.S-W.;, T.,,Moorgatea
street; W. B.. I., Lochee; Jerry, Bolton; Toots; B. L. Totnes.; As. li,
Nottingham; F. S., Wells-street; Ohe Sara,. Sara; G. S&.B., Notting-hill.;
Joey- Tummas; A..G., Newton Abbot; Chowles; E. K., Manchester; W.,
North Bow; Phlip, Norwood; Duns Scotus; H. J. D., Peebles; Joe
Crabstick, Tooting; F. L., Kensington; Bill; H., Swansea; J. H. W.,
Harrogate; The Noble Family of the Smiths; H. R., Temple Club; C. H.,
South Hackney; Felony; Beerology.


IN AND OUT.
C. (Fresh from the Country to unsuccessful Candidate) :-" Ai, L., r1Y BoY:
OBLIGED TO GIVE IN-reactiOn TOO MUCH FOR YOU-HAVE A BLOW, OUT IN THE
COOL-IT WILL DO YOU GOOD-NOTrING LIKE 'going to the country'-eh !" "


TO THAT PUPPY,
Poon little mongrel, you've only' onefriend
That cares to pat you,. or take you up;-
And when his comedy comes to an end,
Who will think of you, ugly pup F
You're not a genius, you're very plain,
You've only affection, and that you give;-
But when he's buried, I ask you again,
Who will care if you die or live ?
Pup, if your pedigree you could trace
Back to some famous sire or stud,
Ugliness then would be counted grace,
Reckoned only a sign of blood;
Even deformity might be shown
Heirloom proud of the ancient strain,
Length of pedigree too would atone
For any lacking of sense and brain.
Poor little mongrel, not for you
Any boast of an honoured line;
What does that matter betwixt us two,
So long as your poor little heart is mine,
So long as, vainly in my defence
You'd give, your life, does it-matter much
What your pedigree is or whence-
Are there many friends I could put to the touch ?
So I hope some day, as I sit by the fire,
And this flickering lamp at last goes out;
Your poor little flame with mine will expire
In the darkness we know so little about.
Pup, by that wag of the tail you say
That all your wishes with mine agree.-
And-well-suppose it should happen to-day
Is there anything.better that there could be ?

A Suitable Vehicle.
SPEAKING of Parliamentary Government, or some-
thing equally abstruse, the D.aily Net's delivers itself as
follows:-
The preservation of the substance of it is involved in the main-
tenance of the forms; and the central essence will evaporate
unless it find suitable vehicles. .
We have known people ask for another bottle, when they
really needed "a suitable vehicle "-to wit, a wheel-
barrow; but we never before knew one ask for ;
" suitable vehicle" when he might more conveniently
have demanded a bottle.


MARCH 7, 1874.]


I







FUN.


[MARCH 7, 1874.


DE-VOTE-ION.
Lady :-" Now SARAH, AS THIS IS MISSION TIME, I HOPE YOU WILL GO TO CHURCH "
Sarah:-" LA, MA L! WHAT'S THE USE OF ME GOING, I SHOULDN'T KNOW WHO TO VOTE FOR!"


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
MESSns. CHATTO AND WINDUS have exhibited the most commend-
able energy in their conduct of the publishing business they have
undertaken, and have lost no time in improving and re-issuing the
works that have come into their possession. The new edition of the
Slang Dictionary may be counted almost as a fresh work, so largely
has it been added to, and so judiciously has it been pruned of needless
matter. Of course, such a book can never be completed, for with
every year the language of which it treats changes and grows; and,
no doubt, when that irrepressible New Zealander gets tired of looking
at the ruins of St. Paul's he will take a cab to 74 Piccadilly, and find
the Chatto and Windus of the period just issuing the latest edition of
the Slang Dictionary. Pending that event we can honestly commend
the present edition to the general reader as well as to the philologist,
who, especially, will find much food for reflection in the fresh materials
just added to the work.
We are glad to see that Mr. Moy Thomas's excellent story, A Fight
for Life, has just been re-issued in one volumeby Messrs. King and Co.,
of Cormhill. We have read it again with as much pleasure as we did
when it was first issued, some years ago, in the pages of a periodical,
which it did much to bring into public favour.
* Mr. Hazlitt adds a pleasing tribute to our knowledge of, and affec-
tion for, a gentle humourist, in his Charles and Mary Lamb (Chatto and


Windus), which is illustrated by numerous woodcuts of the various
places rendered sacred by association with Elia. The only fault we
can find with the book is that it lacks an index or table of contents.
Mr. J. Ashby-Sterry, the well-known writer of vers de socidtd, and
author of The Shuttlecock Papers," has resigned his post on the
Sunday Times, to which journal he has for many years contributed
" Passing Events," and the column signed The Rambler."

Still so Gently-
IT appears that the repressive measures (by which we don't mean
gallons, quarts, and pints) introduced to square the teetotallers have
not killed the worm that never dies "-
In the year ended the 31st of March last there were 14 detections of illicit dis-
tillation in England, 10 in Scotland, and 1, 033 in Ireland. The number has con-
siderably decreased. Last year, to the 3lst of March, there were 71 persons
imprisoned. The lowest penalty is 6, and in default three months' imprison-
ment.
Pat is evidently determined to go to pot rather than resign potheen.
We only wish the rampant Permissive Billy would "keep still" too.

From a Chemical Point of View.
THE guns constituting the strength of a nation should be called her
test tubes.


FOR BREAKFAST.





CHOCOLATE MENIER.
FOR LUNCHEON.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet Street. E. C.-London, March 7, 1874.









MAAROH 14, 1874.]


FUTN.


MY AUNT.
WHEN I was a lad of eleven, I had
A widowed and desolate aunt,
Who left all alone in this world that is bad,
Was as weak as a sensitive plant.
Her only distraction, a mild sort of joy,
Was my countenance sadly to scan,
And say to me gravely, Your uncle, my boy,
Was a very remarkable man."
But what made him worthy at all of remark
Was a fact that she failed to present,
Yet-though I was totally left in the dark-
I was totally, also, content.
So I paid not much heed to her words, as I fear
That I knew them before she began,
"Your uncle, you'll always remember, my dear,
Was a very remarkable man."
But once at her portrait I happened to glance
As it hung on the dining-room wall,
And at once I discovered the little romance-
I had hit on the key to it all.
Although she was young she was bony and gaunt,
Dressed up with a turban-and fan,
And I owned to myself that in marrying aunt,
He was a remarkable man !


Seasonable Note.
As is well known, the British army should move with
the precision of a machine, but, as usual, in our little
war, the control has broken down. After all it was not
to be expected that in approaching Spring the service
would act as an Autumn-otun.

The Blue Seal.
CAN it be possible that the Tories have re-elected a
Speaker originally chosen by the Liberals, because the
Licensed Victualler element in the House thought him
a good Brand ?
Pindarum Quisquis Studet-
THE Globe the other day, speaking of modern houses,
said they were made "like the Yankee pedlar's razors,
merely to sell." Shade of Peter Pindar, are your
works so soon forgotten!

THE ULTRA-RADICAL'S ALMA MATER.-Mother Red-
Cap.


4K?

& ~tj~I!


THE DEAF ADDER.
Waiter:-" LET'S SEE, SiR, WHAT HAVE YOU HAD ?"
Customer :-" STEAK, POTATOES." Waiter :-" Is."
Customer :-"BUTTER." Waiter :-" 1s. 2d."
Customer :-" AND PASTRY." Waiter:- 1s. 5d. ANY BREAD, SIR ? "
Customer :-" No-NO BREAD." Waiter :-" is. 5d., Is. 7d. CHEESE, SIn ?"
Customer:-" No-NO CHEESE." Waiter:-" Is. 7d., Is. 9d., IF You
PLEASE, SIR."


TOGGERY.
THE Weekly Register, which was always full against" the Tichborne
Claimant and his chief counsel, seems to have got excited over the
termination of the trial, and in a kind of pleasant exuberance to have
mixed up its advertisements slightly. One of these, which commences
with the Confraternity of St. Peter, Archbishop Manning, and
"Peter's Pence winds up thus:-
Copies of the Rules and the Indulgenced Prayers of the Confraternity forwarded
free upon application by letter to
CHARLES JOHN BRETT, Esq.,
1, Clarendon-road, Kensington Park, W.
BANKERS.
London Joint-Stock Bank, 69, Pall-mall.
TaEASURER.
A. Butler, Esq., 6, Austin-friars, E.C.
Costumes, Shirts, Shawls, and Jackets, are nearly all
gone. See next advertisement.
As the next advertisement is one about education and refers to the
" Right Rev. Mgr. Capel's School," we can only regard this as an eccen-
tricity. But what can be expected of a paper which speaks of Mr.
Disraeli assuming the toga viritls !


Persuasive.
WE learn from a philosophic essay that-
Those.things that are not practicable are not desirable.
In other words, the writer is recommending his readers not to do
impossibilities. He will be proud of his influence when we assure him
they never do!

FITTING TASK FOR JEREMY DIDDLERns.-To do fourteen days.


Highlevel Falutin'.
A WEEKLY paper not remarkable for its brilliancy says that the
London Chatham and Dover Railway may at length be congratulated
on.the possession of a long-felt want." This at first sight seems not
only unselfish but unusual. As we read further, however, and come
upox descriptions of iron girders and brick arches, we find that the
congratulation is for a long felt railway station and not for a want at
all. This just shows how private concerns are allowed to intrude
themselves into journalism. And to think that the mention of iron
girders should cause a display of the chief want of a specially hard and
thick head !
Unnecessary.
How these scientific people do waste time and ingenuity Here's
one of them has discovered-
A good cement for corks will be found in a syrupy solution of shellac in benzol
and one of caoutchouc in the same solvent, prepared separately and mixed
together.
What on earth should-anybody want to cement corks for ? We all
prefer them to come out easily!

Marie-making to Perfection.
ILLUMINATIONS will mark the entry into London of the Duke of
Edinburgh and his bride. May they be, brilliant enough to enable
every poor man to pick up a sixpence.

To Diners Out.
"PUNCTUALITY is the soul of dinner." Ergo-each piece of
hospitable mahogany should be a time-table.


VOL. XIX.


107


I


I


































t


13s


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 11, 1874.

THE LAST INVASION.
A LAxcea with a killing glancee
Came onward past the Nore,
On Gravesend made a swift advance,
Invading England's shore;
With fluttering pennon and flattering smile
She conquered the country mile by mile.
Beautiful Uhlan from the North,
In triumph on she bore;
And cheering thousands all came forth
To hail her to our shore.
With fluttering pennon, and flattering smile,
'Twas an easy task our hearts to beguile.
England's conquest has come at last,
And we shall be free no more!
The beautiful Uhlan in fetters fast
Binds us from shore to shore;
With fluttering pennon, and flattering smile,
She can hearts to captivity reconcile.


THE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT.
TAP the tub, and beat the drum;
See, in triumph where they come.
They will cherish, never fear,
Our Constitution and our Beer,
Each one, on the Bench who sits,
Idol of the Licensed Vits.
Give a cheer-another oheer!
Church and State, and Gin anA.Beer
There was a Ministry we know
Of All The Talents long ago:-
But this were better styled, perhaps,
The Ministry of All The Taps.
Bang the barrel, beat the drum,
See, in triumph where they come!
Give a hearty cheer and great!
Gin and Beer, and Church and State.
Peerage, lo, and Beerage meet,
And with fond embraces greet.
Full of spirit and of hope,
This Old Noted House they ope.
Wave the spigot, raise the banner,
Shout in a vociferous manner.
Give a cheer-another cheer
Church and State, and Gin and Beer!

"Epidemical" versus Democratical."
AT the recent general election a candidate for a northern county in
Ireland announced in his address that he would never cease from
his labours until he had obtained Epidemical Constitutions' for all
his constituents." We trust that his own constitution may be such as
to enable him to be the first to take the next epidemic. One example
is worth a dozen precepts. If, after that, his constituents are still
content to follow him, it will be no part of our business to complain.
It is suggested that he meant "democratical," and was confusing his
Greek roots. If so, his case is as bad as that of the preacher who
talked of "the descent of the apoplectic angel" meaning
"apocalyptic."

Quits.
THE New York Tribune warns Dr. Kenealy that" if he should remove
to America and repeat, before the Hon. Noah Davis, the impertinence
he has practised in London, he might count, if we may judge from the
experiences of Tweed's lawyers, upon ten or fifteen years' imprison-
ment, and a fine to the full measure of his fortune." But the Tribune
seems to forget that if you take from a man all his fortune, bad as
well as good, you leave him no cause for regret. The punishment
overleaps itself.

Shakespeare on the Claimant.
Caesar :-Let me have those about me that are fat.
[Act 1. Scene 2.
Antony :-But yesterday the word of Caesar might
Have stood against the world; now lies he-
[Act 3. Scene 2.


MRS. BROWN SUMS UP ORTON.-MARTHA III
DREANL AND.
ME and Mrs. Padwick 'ad promised for to go and spend the
hevenin' along with Mrs. Alders as 'ave just berried 'er third, as is
ways as I don't 'old with myself, but in course no business of mine,
so were dressed and ready a-waiting with my things on for Mrs.
Padwick to call, and took a early cup myself through saltfish for
dinner as is a thing as I relishes twice laid as the sayin' is, and Mrs.
Alders she were a-goin' to give us a 'eavy tea about seven so I set
by the fire a-ruminatin' and a-thinkin' 'ow the days was a-drorin' out
and a-foolin' a little drowsy through a-thinkin' all about Orton being'
nabbed at last when who should I see but the werry man isself in 'is
prising clothes a-settin' oppersite me, as says, "I've come to ask for a
cup of tea for that grule do go agin' me."
Well," I says, tea's over 'ere." "No," he says, not till seven."
Ah! I says, at Mrs. Alders', but I 'aint got there y(-t surely as
don't remember leaving' 'ome, but am a-waitin' for Mrs. Padwick."
As am 'ere, my dear," says she, in a large cloud for all the world
like Queen Wictorier in 'er fottygraph, as was born the same month
and year as accounts for it.
I says, Are we to wait for Miss Pilkinton as said she'd call, and if
she sees this 'ere .porpus she'll begin a-talkin' on 'im, but where's he
got to as were 'ere a minit ago, as I could swear."
Says Queen Wictorier, Come, come, Martha, old friend, wake up,
or we shall be late at Mrs. Alders's" Why," I says, surely you
ain't never a-goin' to drink tea there as is aspectin' that there Alfred
'ome and 'is bride."
Do wake up," she says, and give me a shake and if it was'nt Mrs.
Padwick as says to me, "Martba, if I was you I'd 'ave adwice of them
drowsy fits ofyourn." I says," Bless you, I'm wide awake enuf so let's
be off," and so we started and got to Mrs. Alders' in good time as is
close agin' the Royal Oak, and was the fust there, but not long afore
there come in Miss Pilkinton as says a-flingin' into the room all of a
fluster, Well, you're got your way and'opes as you're satisfied."
I says, Wot about ? a-starin' for to see 'er all flushed and bustin'
into tears all over Mrs. Alders' sofy, as she flopped herself into, as are
got a chintz cover jest like old Queen Charlotte, at least as she did
used to set on and nuss them royal infants at the breast. "Why,"
she says, that wictim of the Jeserists, Sir Roger."
Law," I says, rubbish. Why that were all settled the day afore
yesterday, and thank goodness we're over with that porpus, as 'ave
got off too light in my opinion, though he says he's 'appy in New-
gate." She says, Drop it do, or I feel I shall throw my muff at
your ar-grawatin' 'ed."
Jest then Mrs. Alders she came in with the teapot a-steamin' as
she'd got a cosey over so as not to chill it, through bein' made in the
kitchin, as the kittle were a-bilin with all its might and main.
I kept myself to myself all through tea, as Mrs. Alders 'ad got a
weal and 'am pie with a cold gammon of bacon, instead of no supper,
as don't give no trouble, and all went on werry pleasant and
everybody dropped the subjic of that there trial till arter it were over
and one or two more friends 'ad dropped in.
So then young Purflit as goes with a crutch through 'avin 'ad 'is
leg tore out by the socket through bein' a engineer as were caught in
a cog-wheel, and would 'ave been sassige meat in another minnit but
for the steam-ingin' a-bustin' at the worry moment as blowed 'im
sky 'igh. Poor Mrs. Whelpton were there, and she had been dreadful
put out. 'cos Whelpton didn't get 'is new 'at as were the wager as
he'd laid, besides 'is brother-in-law bein' deep in them Tichbung
bonds as Wolly and Onsler 'ave put every penny as they could scrape
together into, so in course it's 'ard on them.
Well, as I were a-sayin', young Purflit he's a werry steady young
man, and not one to drink only 'is supper beer, but mixed me a werry
nice little drop, 'ot, strong, and sweet, as the sayin' is, jest as I were
a-goin' 'ome, and says, That's more than Orton can get to-night."
Jf Miss Pilkinton didn't give a 'owl as you'd 'ave thought was from
'er 'art, as give young Purflit that suddin shock through 'er a-settin'
close on 'is ear, as up he jumped, and put 'is crutch down on er
bunion, as made 'er spring up like gunpowder under 'er chair, and she
flung out 'er arms with a yell as sent my sporrits and water slap into
the fire as blazed up like sut a-fallin' down the chimney, and with 'or
other she pulled off Mrs.Alders's cap as were that tight fastened under
'er chin as dragged 'er backwards off 'er chair, so in course pulled ti.e
table over in falling and never in my life did I see sich a scene.
So Mrs. Padwick says to me on the quiet, Lets 'ook it, Martha,"
for we was both ready, and'ome we went straight, forI were a-goin' lo
sleep at Mrs. Padwick's through Brown being' away. I slept in 'er
best bed-room through 'er likin' to 'ave the beds aired when unoc-
cupied, and both on us took a sip with afore goin' to bed through
'avin 'ad our grogs cut off, as the sayin' is, through that row as I fully
expected if Orton were brought up on the trapeze as the sayin' is.
I got to bed and off to sleep like a rocket, but couldn't sleep sound
through a strange bed, and could 'ave swore as I were in that Court
all night...


FUN.


[MARCIu 14, 1874.









MARCH 14, 1874.] F U N 109


Says Miss Pilkinton to me, a-comin' up suddin', Dont go to say as
you don't think as the Jury 'aint been bribed and the Judges too." I
says, Who'd pay the money ?" Why," she says," The Jeserists
with the Pope at the 'ead on 'em, as keeps 'im a prisoner."
I looks up and there I see the Court all plain enuf, and that there
Orton on 'is knees a-beggin', and a-prayin' of them Judges for to let
'im off, and took off 'is gold watch and chain to give 'em as some on
'em pocketed in an instant; but just then in come the Jury, as said
as, "They never should agree through one a-'oldin' out," as 'ad
brought a 'ole b )x of meat lozengers, as contained about three bullocks
in 'is pocket, as he could live on for fourteen years, and so didn't
mind being' locked up.
"Let me see them lozengers," says the Judge. Shan't" says
that there Jury as cheeky as could be. Contempt of court," says
Orton. "'Old your row," says the Judge, we don't want to 'ear your
jaw," and then he busts out a-larfin, and says, Oh! Brother Lush, wot
a objic that fat'un '11 be with 'is 'air cut short and 'is face growed
long ;" and then he begun a-singin' 'is little wee dog."
Says one of the Jury, a-getting up, I should like to 'ear thetrial all
over agin', for I 'aint heardd a word through a 'eavy cold in my 'ead as
'ave made me that drowsy all the time." Says the Judge, With all
my 'art; for I likes the fun on it;" And so says all of us," sung out
all the lawyers. So I 'its the floor with my umbreller and says,
"Horder," as made 'em all look round; and that Judge, he says,
"Hullo Martha, what you've been at it agin! I says, If you're
illudin' to drink, my lad, look at 'ome, for I see you through the crack
of the door a-takin' of your suction and sandwiches."
Says Orton, Martha, 'ave you got your little flat bottle with you,
for I shan't get a drain for many a long day, except wot Wolly may
bring me in 'is walkin'-stick, as is 'oller, through being' a hair gun, as
he always carries for fear of the Jeserits, as wants to blow 'im into
atomies." I says, "I wish I 'ad a flat iron, as I'd give you pretty 'ot,
you willing, for darin' to say them things agin' my reputation, as is
base false'oods; and if the Jury don't believe in my innercence, they
don't in the driven snow, not as I'd 'it any one as is down."
Says the Judge a-waking up, "Will no one gag tht old char-
woman as I've seen a-'angin' about the court every day, and it's my
opinion as she's a Orton herself. I do think as I should 'ave struck
'im with my umbreller, but jest then the Jury give a loud 'ooray, and
says, We've agreed, my lord, 'cos we've been a-tellin' that other
juryman all the story, and he's the right man."
Says the Judge, a-bustin' into tears, That's wot I've been a-sayin'
all the while, and you wouldn't listen, and these two other judges
'ave been a-setting on me so as I couldn't 'ardly draw my breath, and
now it's over, wot's he a-goin' to stand ?" Well,",I says, stout and
bitter, I should say, but certingly will 'ave a dash of spirits in mine,
for the hair in this court is pison," and then I says to Onsler, as were
a-wipin' of 'is eyes on my shawl. "Don't keep on a-snivellin' like a
fool. If you've been and lost the day bear it like a man, and do your
dooty in supportin' that poor creetur and 'er children, 'cos I considers
as you've been and let 'er into the mess, 'cos." I says, that poor
bloated ignorance couldn't never 'ave 'ad the cheek to try and pass
'isself off for a barrenite if there 'adn't been other to put 'im up to
it." And there set that Miss Brains as were a-'uggin old Bogle round
the neck, a-sayin' as She were 'is'n for life, and' would net 'im all
manner for to keep 'is old black bones warm," as made Bagint that
jealous, and turns on 'er, and calls 'er anything but a lady; as we all
knows as she must be 'cos all governesses is, or 'ow else can they bring
up ladies, and that's why that Miss Brains took to the Claimant 'cos
he were quite the gentleman all over, as showed 'is breeding' in turning'
butcher and bein' that fond of Woppin'.
So, in course, Miss Brains were 'is friend, and she says to me, Oh,
Mrs. Brown, you and me loved 'im like two twin mothers." I says,
Speak for yourself, for I don't know nothing about twins though a,
mother myself."
Says the Judge, Will you two gals be quiet down there, and let
us 'ear the jury ? "Law," I says, why that's settled long ago."'
Says Miss Brains, Yes, and I'm a-going to wisit all the judges and
the jury too, and shall stop with them for months, and then go on a
wisit to this 'ere dear old toad of a barrenite, as will expect me to
make 'is housee my 'ome."
There was cries of Horder and "Hush," 'cos Queen Wictorier
were a-going to speak, as set up there so grand; and says, My Lords
and Gentlemen of the Jury,-This trial don't seem to 'ave no end, as
in my opinion, didn't never ought to 'ave 'ad a beginning ; but," she
says, it 'ave been sich a amusement to thousand's that I do think you
ought to go on with it, if it's only for the sake of the noosepapers, and
as to the jury they 'ave been that used to 'ave a 'ome 'ere that it will
be 'ard to take away their wested rights, so you'll jest keep on
a-tryin'-'im."
Up jumps a lawyer and says, "' We won't allow it." Says another,
"It's a shameful waste of' money." "Do 'old your noise," says the
Judge, as 'ad took Queen Wictorier's place up there. He says,
Although the lawyers may wish to stop it, and the noosepapers 'as
sent a petition agin' its going' on, we 'aint a-goin' to stop the ends of


justice, as'll go on for ever, and as to me being' afraid of bein' 'ooted, I
don't care a farden, but will do my dooty." "'Ear, 'ear," says Wolly
and Onsler.
Says the Judge, "And you'll be 'appy to ear as the family is to pay
'arf and Govermint the other 'arf, and we're all to 'ave penshuns;
and as to you Orton, you'll be took to the 'Ouse of Lords in a omble-
bus, with the winders painted white, and be made a peer in your
prisin dress, just to show wat a narrer escape you've 'ad of 'angin', as
you may yet be tried for over in Horsetralier, as was murdered in the
bush, so you aint out of the wood yet; not as they'd 'ang you, 'cos
you're a party of that weight as no 'uman rope could bear."
Pray, Mrs. Brown," says the Judge, as were a sitting' oppersite me
a-stirrin' of 'is tumbler for to dissolve the sugar, as 'ad 'ardened
through bein put in the spirits, Pray," says he," are you a-summin'-
up, or am I ?"
I says, Me a-summin' up, why I'm a takin of my tea !"
They all burst out a-larfin', Queen Wictorier and all, as I 'eard say,
Well done, Martha," and I looks up, and if I were not a-settin' in
Mrs. Alders' arm chair with Mrs. Padwick and all on 'em round, as
said I'd 'ad my forty winks, and been a-talkin' all about Orton and
the Jury and Queen Wictorier in my sleep, as is a down right disease
with me, and I do think as that Orton 'ave settled on me like water on
the brain.

THE WHEAL ABOUT COPPER MINE.
JONEs and I
Were uncommonly sly,
For we knew of a mine
Remarkably fine,
And we wanted our fingers in the pie.
And the shares went high,
And Jones and I,
Were brimming with glee
Our success to see,
And planned a nice dinner to show it by.
When we'd had our peck,
And our Piper sec,
Said Jones to me
How pleased you must be
I put you up to this little spec "
To their widest size
I opened my eyes,
Why, Jones," I exclaimed,
"'Twas I who named
This very prosperous enterprise! "
Jones replied "Pooh!
It wasn't you-
Your knowledge is small,
But least of all
About mines and mining you always knew."
An argument rose,
And before its close,
It ran so high,
That we said good-bye
With a certain coolness as you'll suppose !
The week after that,
The shares fell flat,
For the mine never bore
An ounce more ore
Than you'd easily put in the crown of your hat!
Then I and Jones
Much altered our tones
Said he I'm surprised
That you advised
An investment in merely worthless stones"
That's good" answered'I,
"You advised me to buy!
Though my doubts I had
It would turn out bad,
I respected your judgment, and had a try! "
So we quarrelled, and each
Holds no longer speech
With the other-and so
That's all, you know.
The moral is not beyond human reach !


STRENGTHENING DIET FOR VZGETARIANS.-Corned Beef.








FUN.


[MARCH 14. 1874.


THE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT.

OUR S&HORTHAND NOTES. Inductive Ratiocination.
Ix the Tichborne case it is ruled that defendant is Orton not Tich- A SPORTING tipster informs the world in a" recent advertisement
b)rne, that he has committed forgery and perjury. Sentence, that he-
Fourteen years, penal. Exit Claimant. = The jury considered it Once took 1,000 to 4 about a treble event, which he won. Promised Land for
good taste to have a dinner when the trial was over. Humph! = 2,000, Mayonaise 1,OCO, and Musjid the Derby. This is no vain boast, for Mr.
The Globe discovers that caricatures are wrong. Strange this did no ewcomb that laidj him the bet, holds a situation in the office of the Daily Te-
The Globe discovers that caricaturive Government camnge this did not graph.
Charle toRe it until a Conservative Gfo Herkney.en cae new knight Will any logician kindly inform us whether the boast of the advertiser
excharlnges Reed will not again stand for a charger. Ashantee war knight would have been vain if Mr. Newcomb had, after laying 1,000 to 4,
exchanges his Hackney of course for a charger. Ashantee war got an engagement on the Standard, or whether layers of largest odds
over; enemy fought bravely. Coffee is not so Coomassie-nine as gave a lengaeme on the st circulation? If the laers of largest odds
people thought him. = Women of Ohio have started a Woman's have a claim on the largest circulation? If the latter we will open a
Whiskey War." Husbands and fathers should retaliate with a book upon treble events-whatever they may be-to-morrow. We,
"Man's Milliner's-bill Mission." Lord Granville at a hunting however, reserve to ourselves the right of refusing the highest or any,
" Alan's Milliner's-bill Mission." Lord Granville at a hunting offer. But what's the odds!
dinner challenged any four of the present ministry to ride four miles
across country against two of the late Government, weight for weight
and age for age. Seems to forget that the Tories have long been A Curious'Case.
beggers for office and are now on horseback. = In Spain the Carlists NARRATING what it calls "a curious case," the .Echo says of the
have had a few successes. This has at least the charm of novelty. hero :-
French Government declines to have anything to do with the Paris Last week his father died, and the man again came to attend his funeral.
International Exhibition of 1875, which is a private spec. Wish our
Government would do so too, it would be such a saving in Coles. = We do not remember any other case of a man attending his father s
The Brewing influence is already asking a return for its support. funeral more than once. Even the famous fellow who went to his
Deputation to Chancellor of Exchequer about Malt Duties. Want'em father's funeral in a white waistcoat," apologised for the indecorum,
maltered. = Casuals at Eastbourne have conscientious objections to and promised that he would not do so again.
breaking stones on a Sunday. (Or any other day.) Never mind, make
'em hear a long sermon instead. = Coffee is potted. We mean, Cafe Moore or Less.
tair, the black article. MIRS. PRALAMOP having been to a Penny Reading informed her
friends that what she liked best was something about "grains of
'Bus Dltve's IDEA OP EXCELSlon."-Higher up! Paradise and the Beery."


11


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-FUN.-MARcn 14, 1874.


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MARCH 14, 1874.]


FXU T.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 363.

GRAVEsEND gay with banners,
And the folks on their good manners,
The veriest of scanners
Must certainly convince,
That England far and wide
Would hail with joy and pride
The fair one at the side
Of our gallant sailor-prince.
1. The Tories are exceeding gay
Because their colours won the day;-
Their colours! if the retrogrades
Went back to history's early shades,
They'd find their highly vaunted hue
The favoured of the savage crew.
2. In the north of Normandie
You a town and castle see,
Where England's Queen, one spring or fall,
Paid the French Bourgeois-king a call.
3. No more, alas, for you or me
Exists the tall pagoda-tree,
By shaking which some folks of old
Lost their lives and won their gold.
4. A hollow wail on the breezes borne-
Hark, 'tis the sound of the savage horn,
There'll be some fighting before the morn.
5. The Claimant is exceeding stout,
But he won't be this when he comes out!
6. Hundreds of houses, miles of streets,
Honest and good men, rogues and cheats,
Acres for bricks, but none for tillage
That's what is called "the little village."
7. All railway trains I terrors call,
But this I like the least of all!
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 361:-Tories Manage:-
Transom, Oriana, Rosin, India, Egg, Share.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC, NO. 361, received 4th
March:-Bob; Ruby's Ghost; Croci; Hoptop; Tommy Wattle.

Cloudy Definition.
A MARSUPIAL ANImAL.-Man (with a tobacco pouch).


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE production of Mr. Wil'Ws"sMary Queen of Scots, at the Princess's,
has led to some original efforts in the way of criticism. Writers have
been doubtful as to the intentions of the author and the actors; and
while some have treated the play and its representation as a bur-
lesque upon history and acting, others have accepted both seriously
and failed to see fun in either. There is fun in both, to our fancy,
and any one who can fail to obtain it from Mr. BReusby., Mr. Haroourt,
or Mr. Calhaem, or from all -three combined, must be hard to please.
It is not worth while when any one is in search of amusement to
inquire whether the actors who are comic intend to be so or not.. It is
enough for us when they are comic, and three greater grotesques than
the artists we have mentioned it would be hard to find. With the
assistance of a breakdown or two and a patter song from John Knox
-say on modern Reform-Mr. 'Wills's great piece might run till the
pantomime season.*
Far less comic than the actors we have mentioned are the three
principals, Messrs. Terry, Odell, and Cox, in the new piece at the
Strand, Eldorado, a sparkling little adaptation, full of pretty tunes and
abounding in absurd situations. Unlike that just noticed, this dragged
a little on the first night through the too palpable efforts of the chief
characters to be funny. This is an error easily remedied, however,
and now all runs smoothly and well. The weight of the acting rests
with Mr. Terry ; Mr. Odell and M. Marius may be bracketed for
quantity and ability, and Mr. Cox struggles successfully with a rather
bad part. Of the rest of the cast, particularly the ladies, we, having
no wish to appear ungallant, would rather say nothing.
Miss Ellen Terry has returned to the stage-to that at the Queen's
in Long Acre, where she plays the part of Philippa with which the
name of Mrs. John Wood has hitherto been favourably associated.
It is but fair to say that this notice was in type before a fairly good actor was
exchanged for a bad one in the part of Chastelard.


SYMPATHETIC!
Imaginative Undergraduate :-" MY UNCLE HAS JUST DIED, SIR, AND I
SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED FOR A FEW DAYS' LEAVE TO ATTEND HIS FUNERAL."
President (who thinks the case scarcely sufficiently urgent) :-" VERY WELL,
MR. BLANK, YOU MAY GO,-YOU MAY GO,-BUT I WISH IT WAS A NEARER
RELATIVE! "


Miss Terry was on her rentrie very well received, and the other parts
being all well filled, the Wandering Heir seems likely to continue his
successful journey, notwithstanding the failure of his most recent
congener. Mr. Leathes as James Annesley, Mr. Ferrand as the wicked
uncle, and Mr. Irish as the nigger Jip are worthy of commendation.
Mr. Slingsby Lawrence's sketch, now nearly twenty years old,
entitled Mr. Buckstone's Adventures with a Polish Princess, has, with
reference to a ,certain current event, been altered and reproduced as
.Mr. Righton's Adventures with a Russian Princess. The want of taste
of such a reproduction does not require to be pointed out, and a very
short visit to the Olympic Theatre will discover its want of success.

Eating the Leek.
A nooK is announced entitled "Jupiter's Daughters by Mrs. Jenkin."
We once heard it asserted by a Welshman that Adam's name was
Jones, and though we didn't believe it we are now ready to subscribe
to the fact that Jupiter was also called Morgan, that he was a Bard,
and that the first Eistedfodd was held on Mount Olympus, now best
known as Plinlimmon.

T'other way.
QUOTH a sage :-
Man's knowledge is but as the rivulet, his ignorance as the sea.
Then-as the rivulets supply the sea-it follows that man's know-
ledge is the cause of his ignorance.

Ready, ay ready !
WE have just come upon an essay on" Ready Money which begins :
Ready money is an excellent thing to have on hand.
We don't see how if it is not on hand" it can be ready money.


113








114 FUN.


ENDED AT LAST.


______ I,, "


THus the Tichborne Trial ended,
And the Tichborne Claimant drifted
On the billows of Oblivion,
To the land of Things Forgotten,
To the land of Worn-out Wonders.
But an editor observed him,
Saw him drifting into darkness,
Dwarfing, dwindling into nothing,
Screamed, and bit his nails in anguish,
Cried, Comeback, oh, Roger Tichborne,"
Howled, Return, oh, Arthur Orton !"
Yelled, "Remain, oh, Tommy Castro! "
Saw, m horror, dreadful visions
Of a let of daily papers
Blank and bare, with nothing in 'em!
And sensational reporters
Found him in the early morning,
Grinned, and rubbed their hands and chuckled,
Chuckled, Now they'll want sensation!


Fires and burglaries and murders,
Awful fires, to fill the papers."
Grinned again and separated,
Seeking stuff to fill the papers.

The First Umbrella.
THE Tablet rebuking a correspondent of the Times for writing an
interesting letter says:-
All this pandering to the credulity and curiosity of our country is superinducing
a disease which was rebuked in the Athenians, not only by St. Paul, but by
Aristophanes, who says that the gaping ears of Demos opened as wide as an
umbrella.
We don't remember anything about St. Paul's rebuke, so may let that
alone. But if umbrellas were invented in the time of Aristophanes what
right have men to take out patents for Paragon frames in the
nineteenth century ?

What is your Verdict ?
Is there any difference between a jury mast and a packed jury ?


[MARCH 14, 1874.









FUN. 115


)


MARCH 14, 1874.]


THE RECEPTION.
From Gravesend gay, near lively Rosherville.-The Poet.
To the burghers of Gravesend the Mayor said Oh dear!
The Duke and the Duchess will land at our pier,
So let this Corporation on measures agree
To welcome to England the Duchess Mahree!
So get out your flags-your ornaments plan-
And run up your arches as soon as you can-
And deck out the pier as grand as can be,
To honour the coming of Duchess Mahree! "
"There'll be masts styled Venetian, with banners flung forth ;.
And hangings and garlands, east, south, west, and north,
And a handsome new chain must be purchased for me
To wear while receiving the Duchess Mahree!
So get out your flags etc.
"Our gowns we'll be mounting to walk through the street,
And our girls shall throw flowers at the Duchess's feet;
And I may be knighted, perhaps-we shall see-
For this gorgeous reception of Duchess M'ahree !
So get out your flags," etc.


THE COMING BOATRACE.
By SPECIAL Wi E.
IT has been said by would-be satirists who now and again visit
Putney, that the inhabitants are a sleepy race, and it is believed by
many that as soon as the Oxford and Cambridge boatrace is over, and
the profits accruing therefrom are divided, that the fathers of families,
and the mothers too, pack themselves up, and doze calmly till the next
annual contest for the blue riband of the Thames takes place. That
this is not true, anyone who makes it the particular study of his life
to be great in athletics, especially in aquathletics, as I do, will know
with half an eye: but he will know still better withjhalf-a-crown or
half-a-sovereign, for if he thinks that either of those coins will go very
far during a residence in Putney-well he'd better try, that's all.
The inhabitants of Pbatey, especially those who live in the High-
street, seem to me a particularly wide-awake lot; they are quite
aware of the full market value of the things they sell, and can tell
good money from bad in a manner really surprising. I'm quite sure
I didn't know the two-shilling piece I offered in exchange for a bunch
of blue ribbon to tie up my bonny black hair, as is the custom here on
boating occasions, was bad, or I wouldn't have offered it, but the man
saw it in a moment, and was quite personal. They are a sceptical race
too at Putney, and when I told him I was a special correspondent who
knew no guile, he said he knew better, and threatened to kick me out
of his shop. He said he'd been a special himself in company with his
late Imperial Majesty the ex-Emperor, and that between them they
had scoured Kennington Common. Perhaps it was in memory of this
unrecorded event in international history that the speaker still sells
besoms and other hard brushes; but anyhow I found it quite
impossible to make him understand the difference between a constable
and a correspondent, and to tell truth I was compelled to leave rather
hastily. He was a strong man and a ferocious, and though I can
fight, I prefer to use my pugilistic powers upon cokum.
Perhaps it is the result of the long sleep to which I have referred,
but I found the Putneyites everywhere quite equal to the emergency.
There was nothing to be got without money, and they were very
particular about that. I've heard of the thirst for gold, and have
always wondered how it could' possibly be assuaged; but in Putney
one can see a real hunger for silver. One old lady, who. sells fat
boiled bacon, which I find good for literary composition (cold, with a
penny loaf and a half pint of four half), nearly eat up my last six-
pence, at all events, she chewed it out of all recognition. But I was
prepared, as I always am, and while she was trying her masticatory
powers on the florin already mentioned, I retired for fear of being
called as a witness at the next coroner's inquest held in the town. If
it did choke her it was no more than she deserved for being suspicious
of a member of the press on special correspondenceship intent. Yet,
I fancy, Putney is a dull place at some portions of the year, for I
once knew a dramatic author who went to live there, and his pieces,
which had before been light and lively, at once ruined the trade in
chloral among playgoers. But it was not to write about plays that I
went to Putney.
Putney, for some reason that nobody has been yet able to dis-
cover, is built by the side of the river. Perhaps it was because if it had
been built anywhere else it wouldn't have been Putney. This is,
however, only an idea. I like ideas; they're a luxury, and have been
rather scarce with me lately. A man once told me that Putney was
on the river Thames, and so I went to see how the Hampton Court
boats managed to get past it, but he was a humbug, for I found the


I


T


town, just like all the others, by the side of the water. Still, I didn't
lose much by the journey, for I saw the bridge which stretches across
to Fulham, and I shall never forget it. The principal productions of
Putney are beer and blue ribbons, bacon and bread, bacca, barges,
and blackguards. Possibly, the latter may not belong to Putney, but
they were there on the occasion of my visit, and I am assured by a
much more experienced special than myself, that everything a
reporter sees in a place he looks at for the first time, it is his duty
to regard as peculiar to that place. I saw a woman with a black eye
in Putney, and a man with no nose. Therefore, alt the women should
have black eyes in Putney, and all the men no noses. I submitted
this to my informant, and pointed out to him a particularly lovely
female in one of the boat houses, and -a man on the tow path with
a nose big enough for two. My fellow journalist said I was very
green at reporting, and several other things I won't mention, and as
I am at a perfect loss to understand the principle which governs
correspondents in the face of such conflicting facts, I submit the facts
to the consideration of the reader. (I have since told the editor how
these facts interfered with my preconceived notions, and he has
answered, somewhat vaguely I -will adtit, "So much the worse for
the facts.")
I notice that a path has been made right by the side of the river for the
convenience of those who wish to see the Oxford and Cambridge crews
at their practice. As the exercise taken on this by an anxious public,
is mainly pedestrian, it is called, jocularly, the toe path, of course the
intention being to infer foot path. Therefore, I wonder that reporters
should spell it so badly. But it isn't given to everybody to be a
scholar who has studied etymologies. A great many preparations have
been made for feting the crews on their arrival, chief among them
being a clever game with three cards, the name of which did not
transpire, an invigorating pastime called threeshy, and a refreshing
beverage known to the initiated as-well, pain in the stomach!

'Too Polite.
Some of the authorities of a certain town (whidh ifor the sale of the other in-
habitants we won't name) have petitioned for the .meal of the Orilnean agu ns
there.-Vide Press.
Take, oh, take these guns:away,
Captured in the Russian War,
And don't ever-ever say
What the Guards' Memorial's for.
And bid History refrain
From naming the Crimean plain!

'AliiYS s0 t Ca0rusgobt4isZ

[ We cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
A. IM. (Govan).-Our rule merely applied to versifiers not to poets. If
we had known-or discovered --that you were a poet, we should not have
questioned your right to do as you please anywhere-except in our
columns.
E. D. C. (Church-lane, Tottenham).-The contribution was declined
long ago, but we endeavour in such cases not to indicate too closely the
address of the rejected ones in order to spare their feelings.
G. (Leeds).-We don't care to give recipes for destroying any sort of
insect except the hum-bug.
X. X. X.-We have heard that before, and fear, therefore, it's not
home-brewed.
H.-Pray you note in the tablets of your memory (for use when yo a
next essay verse) that "' being" is a word of two syllables.
W. N. S.-No, thank you. Sketch unsuitable.
B. (Beverley).-We return nothing unless our rules are complied with,
-see above.
BEITTANIA (Horneastle).-Any relation to Britannia ? Not to- thanks.
A WAsOA WAn.-We suppose, now the Tichborne case is over, we are
to be put on trial by all the worst jokes that can be made about it.
TEETOTALLER.-We fear you not! How many years have you been
trying to get in Permissive Bill candidates ? Yet the publicans are able
on the first occasion to swamp the House with beer. Beer "is stronger
than water."
W. (Liverpool).-We don't object to irony, but you need not get rusty!
OPEN COURT.-We are grieved that you could not obtain admission
"as one of the public to Westminster Hall, but we can't print the article.
By the bye, you might easily get into Newgate!
S. (Tottenham).-Mucb obliged.
Declined with thanks :-J. H., Oxford; H. F. C., Hull; Wallaby Track;
A. J. B., Millman-street; C. A. L., Headingley; R. R., Slough; Willie ;
G.JI. C., Nottingham; Pops; J. N., High Holborn; N. A. M., Glasgow;
P. E. R., Winchester; An Observer ; A., Wymondbam; Boots; S. G.; 1.
B., Kilmarnock; McC., Saffron Walden; W. B. M., Edinburgh; C. W. B.,
Croydon; H. B. WV., Paddington; B. B. C., Leicester-square; Poor Poll;
H. H., Birkenhead; G. P., Portugal-place; J. W., Westbourne-terrace; S.
R. W.; -, Birkenhead; Pollux; Forewarned ;T., Liverpool; H., Islington
Bondholder; G. B., Walworth-road; S., Tooting; A. J. P., Cornhill.








FUN.


[1iMncH 14, 1874.


- .


RETURN AND REPARTEE.
Young Wife :-" GEORGE, DEAR, YOU HAVE TAKEN A SINGLE TICKET FOR MAMA, HAVE YOU NOT "
Georqge:-" OF COURSE I HAVE, MY DEAR, WHO EVER HEARD OF TAKING A RETURN TICKET FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW "


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
MARCH.
In the Cornhill we have a new story, A Rose in June," and the
continuation of the quaintly-flavoured "Far from the Madding
Crowd." The Courtier of Misfortune is clever and romantic, and
as an exposure of the plundering War Department which under-
mined the Empire, bears the stamp of truth. The rest is of the
ordinary kind.
Uncle John continues to be the chief attraction of Temple Bar.
"Antonio de Pelago" is a lifelike sketch, and "Eylau and Fried-
land is concise and sound.
Mr. James Grant keeps up the interest in Tinsley's this month, and
Mr. Farjeon follows suit, with Mr. Justin McCarthy-a strong trio.
" At the Play" is a piece of ill-constructed and unintelligible verse.
The Gentleman's is scarcely as readable as it has been of late.
Macmillan's contains some capital papers this month, notably An
Elephant Kraal." On Coal and Coal Plants "is full of information.
Johnny Ludlow," in the Argosy, carries, under the title of The
Cries in the Trees," the story he began last month just far enough to let
us see the solution. Waiting in the Cars" is a graphic sketch, and
the other articles are of the usual character.
In the St. James's we gladly welcome the first chapters-all too few
-of M. Verne's "Mysterious Island." A condemnation of the I


abuses of charities is trenchant; and there is a musical sonnet by Mr.
Mayer in the number.
In Chambers's we have a stirring story, "Burton's Loan," with a
number of papers and essays of the sort always to be found in the old
periodical, which seems still to flourish like a green bay tree.
Scribner's contains a charmingly illustrated article on The Great
South,'.' with several other contributions, literary and pictorial, of
high merit.
The Atlantic gives us another instalment of Mr. Aldrich's interest-
ing Prudence Palfrey." "Baddeck" is continued with much spirit,
but the goal is nearly reached. "Owen Brown's Escape from Harper's
Ferry is a strange and forcible account of the old times, when a
determined few tried to liberate the negroes, and lost their lives in
the attempt.
Jules Verne's Field of Ice is the leading feature of the Young
Gentleman's. The Lost Rifle is a good story, and Uncle John
in Prairie Land" will stir up the boys a bit. A good frontispiece
presents us with a set of types of Russian characters.

Trade Mark.
SHOPKEEPERS who fondly expect to see the money fly under a Tory
regime are reminded that Parliament will shortly meet for the dis-
patch of business."


FOR BREAKFAST.




CHOCOLLAT MENIER.
FOR LUNCHEON.
rminted by JUDD & CO.. Phoenix Worka, St. Andrew's HMI, Dootors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprletor) at 80, Fleet Street, E. C.-London, March 14, 1874.


]16








MancI 21, 1874.]


FUN.


LAUGH OR SMILE?
THE journey is weary,
The road is brier'd,
The day is dreary,
And we are tired;
And we backward gaze
With a saddened brow-
"We laughed in those days,
But a smile does now!"
We cross life's ferry,
We put from shore,
Our hearts are merry
Till half way o'er;
Age's sands we graze
With unwilling prow-
"We laughed in those days,
But a smile does now! "
Yet from'folly the laughter
Too oft must start-
The smile that comes after
Wells out of the heart.
To each then the praise
'Twere fair to allow,
To the laugh of those days,
To the smile of now!

Mons parturiet I
THE destructive powers of the domestic
cat in England can only be known by
dearly-bought experience. What must it
be in America ?-there we find the
Catskill Mountains.

Case stated for Counsel's opinion.
A HARD-PRESSED thief deposits his ill-
gotten booty in the bed of the river ;-is
Father Thames indictable as a receiver of
stolen goods ?


INTELLECT.
Junior Partner of a Shipping Firm :-" WELL, AMR. JONES, HOW IS YOUR BOY GETTING
ON AT SCHOOL ? "


Old Servant of the
BUT I THINK I HAVi
TRAVELS TO STUDY!"


LEGAL PROCEDURE.
A NEW York paper the other day was good enough'to point out to
Dr. Kenealy that had he used such language as he did in the
Tichborne case to one of the United States judges, he might infer
what he would have got from the punishments awarded to Tweed's
lawyers. This is very affecting and beautiful, but at the same time it
does not arouse in our bosoms such a love for American legal procedure
that we wish at once to adopt it. Take a Case "-the Chief Justice
of Mississippi is not on the friendliest terms with his two associate
judges. The other day during the discharge of their judicial functions
the Chief Justice applied to Judge Tarbell terms which no stretch of
vanity could construe as flattering." The judge took a step towards
him, whereon he drew his knife, and a very pretty bit of judicial
carving might have ensued but for the intervention of the other judge.
Now we should hardly like to see Lord Chief Justice Cockburn
drawing his snicker-snee and "going-for" Mr. Justice Lish, or
covering Dr. Kenealy with a six-shooter. Indeed, we are not quite sure
that we should think it dignified if he had tried to gouge the
defendant. No! on the whole we much prefer our way of doing
things, though it may leave the Bench no better means of defence
than an appeal to some twenty or thirty briefless barristers as The
Bar of England." Our way of doing things may be ridiculous, but it
is not criminal.

Ods Bobs!
IN England when a man feels patriotic he "takes the shilling ;
but the Home Rulers in Ireland make all those who would sign their
"National Roll" pay a shilling. We don't think much of the
twelvepenny traitors, but we should rather like to know who gets the
money! We have little doubt a fair sum has been already raised
from the bobs of the blatant, and that it will increase, for the
promoters of the notion no doubt sing sotto voice the old Scotch jingle-
If it wasna weel bobbit, weel bobbit, weel bobbit,
If it wasna weel bobbit, we'll bob it again!
It is at any rate not a very elevated test of a man's patriotism to make
it a question whether he will give a shilling towards the cause !

ONE CHEER MORE.-Publicans' shout of victory. Liquor Up !


firm :-" VERY WELL INDEED, SIR, EXCEPT WITH HIS GEOGRAPHY,
i MADE THAT ALL RIGHT, FOR I HAVE BOUGHT HIM GULLIVER'S


THE FAVOURITES.
WHAT a pity it is that according to the Evening Standard, in its
description of the Royal saloon carriage, Her Majesty's favourite
daily papers "are only "the Times, the Standard and the Morning
Post." If the Globe had been included, our gracious Queen would at
least have had some amusement in return for the cold ride she took to
gratify her people. We learn from the pink periodical all sorts of
delightful things-that in ordinary times Oxford and Cambridge i
Terraces present a forlorn appearance, but that on the day of the
Royal visit-
The gardens tried to blossom with flowers in thousands supplied by brightly-
dressed Englishwomen.
We should have thought that florists would have supplied the flowers,
and if they did that the gardens would have done more than try to
blossom. Perhaps the writer meant that the beauties supplied the
place of the flowers. But what does he mean when he says that
"grimy Edgware Road" was "clean, bright, many-hued as Hima-
layan rainbow flashing down on everlasting snow P When he goes
on to speak of people in the Edgware Road showing square acres of
faces it is pretty evident he doesn't know what an acre means, or he
wouldn't try to get it into the breadth of a street-especially a
square acre," whatever that may be When he had done that acre,
he clearly sank into a state of exhaustion, for he goes on to babble of
pickpockets in Carlylese, after this fashion-" cadaverous, vulpine
faces, with simious cunning glinting from narrowest eyes." We do
hope after this that the Globe will become a favourite with Her Majesty.

The Thumping Legacy.
JUST when the good folks of Geneva are in doubt what to do with
their Brunswick Legacy, Mr. J. D. Daly, who has for some time so
ably steered the Evening Standard to success, undertakes the editorship
and management of the Swiss Times, which has now so widely
increased its sphere that it must take the name of the Continental
Herald. Mr. Daly's services to the journal will be valuable indeed,,
but we think he might do the state some service to, Geneva. It
appears to us that the solution of the irrepressible Swiss difficulty
would be for England to take the legacy, and, in consideration, allow
France and Germany to share the territory. We throw out this hint
for the consideration of the Federal Council.


vot.. xrx. I


117 1


I
117 I
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