PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.
N a certain day of which the date needs not to be given, for is it not written in the chronicles of Great Britain ? the
Illustrious FuN was seated on the throne in the hall of state connected with his editorial sanctum. His staff, literary and artistic,
surrounded him. Numerous attendants handed round champagne, exquisite cigars, and magnificent strawberries, served up, not
with commonplace cream, but the frequent adjunct of lemon juice and powdered sugar.
What was the reason of the assembly, you ask ? The SHAH OF PERSIA was about to visit England: -in fact, he had already set foot on
her shores beneath the white cliffs of Dover. Her Majesty had placed Buckingham Palace at his disposal. The Lord Mayor was going
to present him with the freedom of the City. But until the third great ruler of these isles-need we say, the Illustrious FuN-had
accorded a gracious reception or acknowledgment to the distinguished visitor, it could not be said his reception was complete. The
public were anxious to hear what FUN was going to do. FUN assembled his staff in order to consult with them.
I am inclined to think the Shah will be so bored with State and Civic ceremonies, that he would prefer to come in and smoke a
weed, with such humble fare as is before us now ; and I should ask him to drop in and take us in our ordinary style-just pot-luck "-
"Pottle-luck," murmured a distant contributor, immediately stopping his mouth with a gigantic British Queen.
"Don't let that occur again, Short-hand Notist," said FUN, and, AUGosru, I8see you have an eye on the sideboard! Don't eat too
many plovers' eggs and ortolans this time. But to business! What can we contrive, to do honour to our guest? For, as I was about to
say, when I was interrupted by a mannerless punster, this is a case where we do not consult our private wishes, but have to answer public
expectation. How shall we celebrate the occasion ? "
With trumpets also and with Shabms," suggested a voice. "DOD, don't be irreverent," said FUn.
I thought it were he! whispered a member of the artistic ataff to the Cartoonist, who was engaged in restraining the irrepressible
TYMKYNS from proposing, on behalf of FUN, to row the Shah to Henley Regatta.
Let us, your Mightiness, take Covent Garden," gently remarked the Dramatic Critic, "and engage all the best dancers-His Majesty
is said to consider the ballet a high example of civilization-and invite the Shah to be present."
"Let me write an Ode for the occasion," said the Bard, I will send it to MR. GILES to-night." "He would prefer a Double Acrostic,"
said another Bard; whereat all present groaned, being compelled to solve the acrostic every week.
"Sure, his portrait in outline would be the thing! exclaimed a voice with an elegant Dublin brogue.
Could not we cut out the DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE with a Review ? asked a Chatter on Mags.
"Or a genial reply," said the morose sub-editor who looks after Answers to Correspondents.
The members of the staff were evidently getting excited to envy.
My Children," said the Illustrious FUN, we will do all these things! From the first, I knew what our determination would be.
Let the assembled populace outside know that our Cabinet Council is over; and bid them depart rejoicing. And you, my children, if you
l1ave enough more-champagne-than-is-good-for-you, you can separate. I am about to put the crown on the edifice-the reception of the
Shah is complete. Behold !"
And two gorgeously-attired attendants came forward bearing on a huge silver salver an elaborately-bound copy of
VIk't g6tnhento 'sRunxt of *e gebx 9eri of I=u
AwStWERS to Correspondents, 13,23,'33, 46,
55, 65, 78, 87, 97, 107, '17, 127, 140, 149,
159, 19, 179 189, 201, 211, 221, 233,
243, 253, 263, 271
BATES on Britain, 58
Ben Bobstay, 173
Birds of Prey, 183
Bohemian Girl (The), 191
Blestifiknowot (The), 243
Benefits of Training (The), 268
Brief Seasons of Intellectual Dissipation,
CRATS on the Mar s, 24, 31, 44, 70, 88, 98,
117, 127, 160, 170, 212, 220, 253, 264, 272
C. E., 65
Criticism of the Future (The), 90
Coming Derby (The), 214
Carpet that wouldn't be Beaten and
Struck (The), 231
Converting a Prodigal, 237
Civil Service in Florida (The), 247
DOUBLE Acrostics, 11, 21, 31,44,47,63, 69,
85, 96, 101, 111, 126, Isb, 141, 159, 19,
171, 187, 199, 209, 219, 226, 235, 253, 261,
Dearth of Racehorses (The), 117
De Tea, 203
Derby and the Oaks (The), 234
En=,lsa Easter (An), 161
Epsom Spring Meeting, 162
Early History of Bath, 173
Explanatory and Vaticinatory, 251
FABL e of Zambri, the Parsee (The)
(Second Series), 7, 17, 27, 33, 53, 57, 77,
85. 97. 101
Fowl Witch (A), 81
Four Jacks and a Knave, 115
Fool and Philosopher; or, Brief Seasons
of Intellectual Dissipation, 257
GREAT Coal Question (The), 80
Grateful Bear (The), 167
Guineas-one and two thousand (The),
Gentle Shepherd (The), 271
HERE, There, and Everywhere, 11, 21, 8
55, 63, 79.91, 100, 111, 120,112,141, 151;
189, 204, 221, 236, 246, 204
John Smith, 199
Jaufray the Jongleur, 251
LATE Derby Day (The), 43
Lincoln Spring Meeting, 48
Land of Onety-one (The), 55
Lincoln and Liverpool. 125
Latest from the Turf, 231
Liquor and Learning, 255
Latest Sporting, 261
MAGICIAN'S Little Joke (The), 49
My First Murder, 50
Mysterious Prescrtpition (The), 132
My c's Wode Nose, 147
Mysterious Tale (A), 224
NUT Cracking, 59
No Charge for Attendance, 137
Newmarket and CLester, 200
OuR Shorthand Notes, 8, 18, 31, 46, 56,
60,60, 82, 96, 99, 109, 126, 129, 147, 156,
161, 171, 181, 201, 209, 219, 232, 235,
252, 255, 268
On Brighton Pier, 4 Rime of the Modern Shipowner (The),
On the Towing Path, 130 103
Oxford or Cambridge ? 139 RSugestion (A), 258
Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race (The), Tymkyns at Brighton, 41
142 Ticnhorne in the Box, 175
Tvmkyns goes to the Derby. 227
POET in a fine Frenzy (The), 17
Peter Punter's New Year's Eve, 28
Poverty and Wealth, 116
Pistols, Pigeons, and Poetry, 172
RATHER Knotty Points, 13
Royal Escapement (The), 37
Race-Horse Famine (The), 101
Rivals (The), 143
Reason Why, 151
Recent Inter-university Matches (
Reflections on Rejections. 191
Raving (A), 263 !
SEASONABLE Visitors, 25
Soldier of ,he Landwehr (The), 53
Sundered Hearts, 75
Swell (A), 159
Sad old Man (The), 181
Shakespeare Crystallized, 211
Such is Life 255
Stra: ing 'Topus (The), 263
TRUE Story of a Valentine (The). 70
Tale of Spanish Vengeance (A), 95
Tale of the Bosphorus (A), 157
Thoughts that Strike Me, 205
Turning Over New Leaves, 13,47, 66, 108,
147, 162, 18 ', 187, 243
Tricks of the Trade, 25S
Tales of a Grandfather, 265
SULF and Wulf, 163
VERY Remarkable Case (A), 215
WHo wants to be married or done For ? 6
Waterloo Coursing Cup (The), 87
SWintry Rhymes, 91
Wicked World (The), 109
Water of Bath (The), 183
Word in Season (A), 247
Would-be Poet (A), 256
AFTER the Fight, 123
Cashing and Swearing, 185
Change for the Better (A), 207
Curious Assyrian Fragment (A), 269
Frightening the Rustics, 9
"Fling away Ambition," 51
Grand Parliamentary Pantomime (A), 19
Great Coal Question (The), 92
Happily Landed, 145
How Tymkyns went to the Banquet at
the Royal Academy, 197
In re the Court Theatre, 122
Justice for Ireland, 113
Latest Dragon of Wantley (The), 217
Miss Britannia'st ext New Doll, 249
Noble Mission (A), 61
Next Tragedy (The), 83
Not Too Much, 165
Old Favourite (An), 29
Old King Coal, 93
Poor Jack, 155
Valentines, Political ard Social, 72-
AFTER a nicht wi Burns," 18
According to the Act. 54
Appreciating the Position, 57
Agreeable Practice (An). 102
Awkward Mistake (An), 116
Attending to his Calling, 174
Amended Answer (An), 177
tr All a-Blowing," 180
As Broad .s it's Long, 184
About the Royal Aeademy, 213
At the Royal Academy, 242
Ascot; as citing as can be, 271
Accidentally done on purpose, 272
BEEF Beautified, 14
Brighton Aqusriu.n (The), 35
Brighton Peobles, 3 ;
Brighton Aq'iariumisms, 45
Bargain (A), 79
Boat Race (The), 131
Banns (The), 141
" CACKLE," 15
Comforting ? 69
Ce.nny?-Well, he Won't, 96
Chaff Bef,,re the Inevitable, 132
Contented Spirit (A), 148
" Capping" It, 212
Compliment (A) ? 238
Cheap and L'ght Education, 255
DIFFERENT Views, 63
Delicate Ground, 154
Designs for Dolly Varden Hats, 203
Diamond Cut Diamond, 232
EXACTLy so 44
"Exactly so," 109
FItoun of Speech (A), 24
Fare Expenditure, (6
Familiar Complaint (A), 158
First Fruit of the Schoql Board, 160
First Monday in May (The), 202
For Fun, 219
For Mercy's Sake 241
GOOD Reason Too (A), 164
HiGH Compliment to the Country
Hat-titude's Everything, 125
History of aChignon (A), 129
Hard Times, 171
How it was that JONES failed to return to
the office after his Tour, 178
Hence these size, 233
Heart and Brain, 257
In at one Year and out at the other, 21
In the Dark Ages, 99
In the Dark, 151
LAST Royal Marriage (The), 22
Loafer's Logic (A), 89
Letting the Cat out of the Bag, 181
Little Knowledge (A), 252
MISTAKE Somewhere (A), 46
"Mair's the Wonder! 50
Momentous Question, 66
" Mlan's a Manse for a' that" (A), 187
Mistaken Identity, 265
NINEVEtH, its Manners and Habits, 93,
108,1 8,150, 190, 241
Non-Conductor (A), 144
Not to be Caught, 253
OPERINe of Parliament (The), 86
One for his Nob, 126
One for the Oxonian, 139
Over Nice, 159
Our Derby Hieroglyphic; or, clear and
comprehensible Tip Typical, 225.
PROFITABLi Business (A), 128
Private Viewing, 200
Putting hi' foot in it, 220
Pertinen Questi .n (A), 235
Patronising Damsel (4), 215
Pleasant for Johns! 264
ROSETTES and Bows, 78
Rival Universities (The), 138
Racing Fixture (A). 226
Recollections of the Royal Academy,
No. 1, 192; No. 2, 193; No. 3, 216;
SLY Reynard, 8
Stock Joke (A), 25
Striking Disappointment (A), 31
Sad Loss-enge (A), 34
Signs of Age, 77
Sticking up for the cloth." 101
Snoerfluous Question (A), 140
Spring Fashions, 143
Scene from a fairy Comedy, 156
Seminary v. Cemetery, 161
Such things will Happen, 168
Stone Blind, 170
Sketches on the Course, 224
Sound Conclusion (A), 254
Shah's Vis:t (The), 252
T'OTnER and Wh'ch 60
Transpontine Amusement of the People
Training Off, 82
That's (s) no Joke, 88
Taken on Trust," 111
Tommy Tug's View of it, 130
Taking Prospect (A), 147
Too Good! 201
That Picture of Blanc Blanc 1 210
This ere and that ere, 222
Taint of Iniquity (The), 223
UNINTENTIONAL Jokes, 188
VANITY without Vexation, 11
Varieties of St. Valentine, 67
Valentine Varieties, 08
Valentine and a Venganes (A), 76
Vienna Exhibition (The), 206
WHeo we meet and where we meet them,
Waggish Tale (A), 28
Weather and the Parks (The), 32
Wet, and Dry 85
Weight a Bit! i9
Way of It (The), 169
Wet and Dry, 261
LOVE my love with an A,
Because it seems to
A husband ought to
An indefinite article,
I love my love with a
Because the honey-
Would lack its
If you do not provide
I love my love with
S Because I much
For my spouse an
Who is often away at
And I love my love
with a D,
Because if we should quarrel,
I could seek assistance moral-
LORD W-Y-L-D !
Then I'll love my love with an E,
Because she'll never find
The side of me that's blind,
If I never should close my E'e.
WE are very glad to see that an influential meeting has been held
at Stalybridge, with a view to instituting a Parliamentary enquiry
into the practices of Tallymen. There can be but one result of the
enquiry-legislation which will render it penal for these sharks to give
credit to working men's wives without a written acknowledgement of
the debt by the husband. This would effectually extinguish the trade
of the plausible rogues who call when the bread-winner is away at
his work, and persuade the silly women to buy their trash on credit
at an exorbitant price, and who after they have extorted from the'
woman's fears more than the goods are worth, send the husband to
prison as a sort of extra usufruct. We shall be glad to see the dogs
of the law sent alter these sly foxes with a Yoic6s, tally ho!"
LET who will "look out for Number One," our motto is-" look out
for Number Eighty "- (N.B. Fleet Street, E. C.)
OFF THE RAIL.
THOsE members of the faculty among whom disputes have arisen
as to which lives the longer, a sane man or a fool, have had the question
settled for them by no less a person than MR. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAN,
who, we are told by an American paper, stated in one of his recent
" great" speeches that he had made up his mind to live to the age of
four score years and ten. As, however, Ms. TRAIN made in addition
the following modest announcements, many may be inclined to doubt
the correctness of his mode of reckoning:-
I am, to-day, the livest man in England, the only man that can make kings
tremble, churches shake, and fraud shiver in his hideous depravity; abolishing
American slavery with my army of braves, levelling the Tuileries as the emblem of
kings, and the Vendome column as the monument of crime My frame issurcharged
with the coming change-alllandsspeakthroughme-allNaturebacksme. I live in
the roar of the tempest-the roll of the ocean on the rockbound beaco -the burning
lava of the volcano-the thunder g artillery of the earthquake-as well as in the
chirp of insects-the moaning of the tide-the rustling of the coin-the songs of the
birds-the prattle of young children, and the happy laugh of school girls. Indebted
to nobody, spotless in character and courage, despising the hypocrisy of the Chris-
tian, I wrap my Pagan cloak around me as the stormy petrel of the sceptical
All this would be funny, were it not for the deplorable fact that this
unfortunate being believes in the correctness of his statements, and
proves the truth of the unpleasant adage, One fool makes many,
by always possessing a numerous following of the ignorant and
Treating it Cavil-ear-ly.
OUR American contributor professes to have just discovered, in a
daily contemporary, the following, relative to the Q ieen's reception of
the Japanese Embassy :-
Her Majesty at the same time spoke very kindly to the illustrious visitors;
who, after the reception, lunched at the Castle. They then took their leave, highly
pleased with the gracious welcome they had received at the hands of Royalty.
He says that, considering the Ambassadors are themselves Princes at a
court compared with which our own is but a mushroom in growth,
Her Majesty could hardly have done otherwise than receive them
" kindly ;" and that, having all their lives been accustomed to gracious
welcomes at the hands of Royalty," the Ambassadors could not decently
have been other than highly pleased." To all this we reply that,
everything having been done precisely as was, by his own confession,
highly proper and inevitable, there appears to be no room for
cavil. We have not the happiness to comprehend our American
Silence in the Court.
OUTSIDE "barbarians" may smile at a curious feature in the wedding
procession on the occasion of the marriage of the E]PEROR or CHINA:
-" The band in scarlet, silent."-Would that this evidence of royal
taste might strike the key-note-pardon the Hibernicism-to silence
our excruciating street musicians.
,Houses of Cards.
SUBSTANTIAL buildings throughout the country have been wrecked
by the winter gales; strange to say we have not observed that paper
mills have received any injury.
Sword v. Sickle.
OBJECTIONS have been raised to the employment of soldiers by
farmers in harvesting operations; -may the day be distant when our
red-jackets will have a harvest of their own.
VOL. XVII. A
6 FU NJN. [JANUARY 4, 1873.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 1, 1873.
FRIGHTENING THE RUSTICS.
TicH exchequer's Chancellor treads in the track
Of the Peckhain Ghost, or of Spring-Heeled Jack.
For he showed a Bogey all sins and guilts
To his rustic audience down in Wilts.
"Ho! ho !" cries FUN,
Don't be frightened and run,
UTtil wefind out what this Bogey has done!"
The Bogey has got the same sort of phiz
As the Great Caucasian mystery, Diz;
And the Chancellor points to its linen gory
As being marked with the name of .Tory.
Cries FUN, For a fact
Was it Bogey's tact
That passed that iniquitous Licensing Act ?"
Bogey gives principle up for place,
Which the Chancellor says is a deep disgrace ;
And he also (the Chancellor adds) is prone
To do things badly-or leave them alone.
Cries FUN,." Pooh, pooh!
Was it Bogey or you ,
Let AYRTON and BEuca such mischief brew ?"
The Exchequer's Chancellor, up to his tricks,
Declares to what is that Bogey sticks ; "
And further declares that his friends and he
"Stick to whatever ought to be."
Ho ho cries FUN,
"I fancy, for one,
You won't stick where you are when the Session's begun!"
"CORA PEARL'S Own Story. Special Submarine Telegram. From
Our Own Correspondent." Such is an announcement set in the
largest capitals of the paper which boasts the largest circulation, and
even this is not enough for its virtuous conductors. In addition to
the own story as told by the own correspondent, there is an article in
big type giving the popular view of the latest Parisian scandal, and
for those who do not care to wade through the noisome details, a
summary of the facts All this in one edition of a journal noted for
its morality and good taste, one of the proprietors of which is shortly
to receive a handsome recognition of service at the hands of a grateful
country. It has been the custom here to decry the system of inter-
viewing as an attempt to Americanise our institutions; but it is rarely
indeed that even a New York reporter drrws the line so low down as
the level of CORA PFARL, and we are sure it would not be done in a
case which has nothing to recommend it beyond commonplace vice
slightly relieved by the idiotcy of a morbidly erotic butcher-boy. But
the "largest circulation is a demon of gigantic maw-he must be
pampered and kept up to condition point by any and all means; and
so we are initiated into the mysteries of the sanctum. We
are told in what a fairy palace gilded sin takes up its residence;
how one passes trophies, armoury, skins of wild beasts, and groups
of statuary, which are reflected by mirrors, and produce a splendid
effect;" how gigantic sheets of plate-glass are framed in flowing
- curtains; how drawing-rooms are furnished with ebony and mother-
o'pearl; and how works of art and flowers are scattered about in
happy profusion." We will not follow the description of this gentle-
man into the elaborate mysteries of the lady's toilet, and "her bushy
head of pile golden hair;" enough has been given to show how
tempting an earnest and innocent correspondent, anxious to do his
duty by his employers, may make sin appear, and how pleasant may
seem the pqths of vice. Cynical people may, however, imagine that
the great stress laid by the writer upon the upholstery details is due
more to the suddenness of his acquaintance with elegant furniture
and the great contrast between the "poor but honest" journalist's
abode and the residence of the siren, than to the more laudable reasons
we have given above.
Alters the Case.
OUR excellent contemporary the Surrey Comet, among other matters
coming under the head,of new(s)-cleus, mentions the performance on
the violin of a certain person of the name of CASE, upon 'whom it
bestows praise. We are not surprised to hear of the. extraction of
harmony from a fiddle, but we should hardly have expected it from its
A real Good Thing.
IT was reserved for the privileged guests of Her Majesty at Osborne
fully to appreciate a piece of advice freely tendered in the spring of
the year-" Follow the Baron."
WHO WANTS TO BE MARRIED OR DONE FOR ?
AHA mein leib Sammler schriftlischer Aufsktze,* you have the
Begeisterungt which is the thing I do want, to tell your Gardereitert
of one large smartness that is being carried on by one person whom
you would call madder, and who is known in Deutschland by a name
beginning with the all the one same Schrifcen as schrift, and with a
Wohnort|| at Dawlrock. In' all our Zeitungsea of the Provinzes here
we have the same what you call advertisement, which a friend here
has what he calls translated for me. It is
OFFIcE FOR MARRIAGES,
Old-established and only international institution in England for
the medium of Marriages. Since 1856, legally registered under
R. 10780/56, Inland Revenue.** Rich marrying parties amongst
citizens, and the highest aristocracy of all countries are always on
Highest references and an honourable testimonial of the 5th Army
Corps, which is most highly confirmed by His MAJESTY THE EMPrnOR
or GE1iANY AND KING OF PRUSSIA testify to the happy successes of
this institution. Discretion can be relied upon.
Kind- demands from ladies please direct, paid (not anonymously) to
the directress ; from gentlemen to MESSRS. J AND Co.,
Will you say that MESSRS. -- are not ehrlichtt, and that they
have me Betrugen F? + Also, many of my friends F-
[The, on the whole, beneficent operation of the law of libel prevents
us from responding as fully as we could desire to the wish of our
young German correspondent. The same kind of advertisements, if
not the identical wording, we have ourselves often noticed in German.
Dutch, Belgian, and Alsatian newspapers, especially in the more rural
districts; and we venture to say that such advertisements could
emanate from the capital of no country but our own and that of Ma.
MARK TWAIN. If the German Embassy and the detective police of
London are not equal to the emergency, it will be only one part of
the price we pay for a freedom which, whatever may be its advantages,
ought not to be mede the cover of foreign swindlers with, probably, an
assumed name. If MEssEs. -- of the highly aristocratic suburb of
Dawlrock, should turn out, on investigation, by one who has been
"Done Brown," to be "that'sort of thing," we shouldn't be in any way
surprised. But we are surprised that more or less paternal govern-
ments across the Straits of Dover or the North Sea do not take mea-*
sures to show their children how absurd are the advertisements
emanating from Dawlrock, or at least hold the mirror up to nature
by advertising the editors of the journals in which such advertise-
meists appear of the trade to which they are lending themselves. It
were absurd to expect editors always to exercise a censorship over the
advertisement columns; but in such a case as this, where there is
every reason to believe that the young women at'rated by the adver-
tisements are lured hither for the worst purposes, if paternal govern-
ment means any thing more than an excuse for robbing the national
treasury, surely such governments could invent some means of pre-
venting the columns of our rural contemporaries on the Continent
from being made the panders to passions ignoble at the best, and
seldom deserving of even so mild a name. May we ask MESSRS.
BISMARCK, THIns, and LEOPOLD II., to take a friendly hint from an
article, which, if it be in FUN, is none the less seriously intended on
that account. Plenty of jokes offer themselves on the subject, which
is, however, just a trifle too sad for joking.-Ed. FUN.]
First Gem of the See I
SINCE "The Wheel of Life" (which by the way was also an im-
proved revival of an old invention) the Stereoscopic Company has
issued nothing to compare with their novelty for this year-the
Jewel Kaleidoscope. The title is a very suitable one, the chief objects
being imitation-gems, the cutting of which greatly enhances the
beauty of the patterns irmed by combination and reflection. Tubes
half-filled with coloured spirit add much te the effect, the movement
of the liquid frequently changing the colour of the pattern.' The
kaleidoscope so constructed-and mounted as it is on a stand, which
allows the pattern to be retained indefinitely-is something more than
a toy. There is no decorative art or manufacture, whose resources it
would not enrich by its symmetrical and exquisite combination.
THo MODERN "ECLuPS "-IN THE FIELD or LITERATURE.-FeRSTER
Which, being interpreted, is My dear Editor." + Vigour.
SPoliceman (we don't keep one all to ourselves). i Letters. i Domicile.
*" Merely, of course, the numberdf a letter answered from Somerset House.
'+ Honest. tt Deceived. It To speak candidly. 111 One Unwvisdom.
JANUARY 4, 1813.] FTJU N .
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE. prey." [ft is notorious that man is the only living thing that will eat
(Second Series.) the animal.] But will give him good burial."
So he dug a hole, ard was about tumbling him into it, when a
TRANSLATED FROM THE PERSIAN BY DOD GumILB. solemn voice appeared to emanate from the corpse: Let the dead
XXX. past bury its dead!"
Two hedge-hogs having conceived a dislike to a hare, conspired for Whatever spirit hath wrought this miracle," cridd the peasant.
his extinction. It was agreed between them that the lighter and dropping upon his knees, "let him but add the trifling explanation of
more agile of the two should, beat him up, surround him, run him into how the dead can perform this or any similar rite, and I am Qb eipnce
a ditch, and drive him upon the thorns of the more gouty and itself. Otherwise, in goes Mr. 'Possum by these hands."
unwieldly conspirator. It was not a very hopeful scheme, but it was 1" Ah," meditated the unhappy beast, ".L have perfoi med one miracle,
the best they could devise. There was a chance of success if the hare but I can't keep it up all day, you know. The explanation demain"ed
should prove willing, and, gambler-like, they decided to take that is a trifle too heavy for even the ponderous ingenuity of a marsupial."
chance, instead of trusting to the remote certainty of their victim's And he permitted himself to be Fodded over.
death from natural cause. The doomed animal performed his part as If the reader knows what lesson is conveyed by this narrative, he
well as could reasonably be expected of him: every time the enemy's knows-just what the writer knows.
flying detachment pressed him hard, he fled playfully toward the main -
body, and lightly vaulted over, about eight feet above the spikes.
And this prickly blockhead had not the practical sagacity to get upon A mole, in pursuing certain geological researches, came upon the
a wall seven feet and six inches high buried carcase of a mule, and was about to tunnelhim.
This fable is designed to show that the most desperate chances are "Slow down, my good fri' nd," said the deceased. Push your
comparatively safe. 1 mining operations in a less sacrilegious direction. Respect the dead,
AI as you hope for death!"
A goose being annoyed [by tie assiduous attendance of his ugly "You have that about you," said the gnome, that must make your
reflection in the water, de- grave respected, in a cer-
termined that he would tain sense, for at least
prosecute future voyages r such a p ufiod as your
in a less susceptible ele- >- immortal part may re-
ment. So he essayed a quire for perfect exbala-
sail upon the placid bo- tion. The immunity I
som of a clay-bank. This accord is not conceded to
kind of navigation did not your sanctity, but ex-
meet his expectations, torted by your scent.
however, and he returned / The sepulobres of moles
with dogged despair to only are sacred."
his pond, resolved to make To moles, the body of
a final cruise and go out a lifeless mule
of commission. He was A dead spule's carcase
delighted to find that the is, and nothingmore.
clay adhering to his hull n gmxor.
so defiled the water that "Ithink ~ t my
it gave back no image of Iie ofn sh thi ink I'll set my
im fte a e- structive friend," said a
ever he left port he was bee to an iron pump
careful to be well clayed bee to against which she hapump
along the water-line. flown; "you are always
The lesson of this is more or less in the
that, if all geese are alike, way. "
we can banish unpleasant "If you do," retorted
reflections by befouling s the other, I'll pump
ourselves. This is worth on you, if I can get any
knowing. "one to work my handle."I
XXXII. Exasperated by this
The belly and the mem- impotent conservative
bears of the human body threat, she pushed her
were in a riot. (This is not the riot recorded by an inferior writer, little dart against him with all her vigour, When she tried to
but a more notable and authentic one.) After exhausting the well- sheathed it gain she couldn't, but she still made herself useful about
known arguments, they had recourse to the appropriate threat, when the 'hive by hooking on to small articles and dragging them round.
the man to whom they belonged thought it time for him to be heard, But no other bee would sleep with 'her after this; and so, by her ill-
in his capacity as a unit. judged resentment, she was self-condemned to a solitary cell..
Eblis take you! he roared. "Things have come to a pretty pass The young rdadei may profitably beware.
if a fellow cannot walk out of a fine morning without alarming the xxxvII.
town by a disgraceful squabble between his component parts! I am r te
reasonably impartial, I hope, but man's devotion is due to his deity: A crab who had travelled from the mouth of the Indus all the way
I espouse the cause of my belly." to Ispahan, knocked, with much chuckling, at the door of the king's
Hearing this, the members were thrown into so extraordinary con- physician.
fusion that the man was arrested for a windmill. "Who's there" shouted the doctor, from his divan within.
As a rule, don't "take sides." Sides of bacon, however, may be "A bad case of cancer," was the complacent reply.
temperately acquired. Good!" returned the doctor; I'll cure you, my friend."
xxxiim So saying he conducted his facetious patient into the kitchen, and
potted him in pickle. It cured him-of practical jocularity.
A man dropping from a balloon struck against a soaring eagle. May the fable heal you, if you are afflicted with that form of evil.
"I beg your pardon," said he, continuing his descent; I never
could keep off eagles when in my descending node."
"Jt is splendid to meet so pleasing a gentleman, even without A Bald Statement.
previous appointment," said the bird, looking admiringly down upon W always knw that gry hairs are a crown ofglory, and we have
the lessening aeronaut; "he is the very pink of politeness. How We always kne w that grey hairs are a crown of glory, and we have
extremely nice his liver must be. I will follow him down and arrange even a lingering suspicion that a bald head is a sign of respectability,
extremely nice his liver must be. s."will follow him down and arrange but the following advertisement reflects a new light on that shining
This fable is narrated for its intrinsic worth. globe : -
'THISKERS, Mous'aches, Baleness.-An elegant crop of these desirable adom-
XXXIV. 'ments produced in a few weeks without injury. Failure impossible.
To escape from a peasant who had come suddenly upon him, an If we are to believe this, baldness is a desirable adornment, and the
opossum adopted his favourite expedient of counterfeiting death, sooner we get an elegant crop of baldness the better. If this be not
"I suppose," said the peasant, that ninety-nine men in a hundred the long-prophesied Conservative re-action, it is at any rate an 4larm-
would go away and leave this poor creature's body to the beasts of ing prospect for the W(h)igs!
S[JANUARY 4, 1873.
Agreeable Brother :-" I SAY, POL a, WHY IS A GIRL DOn G HER HAIR LIKE A POX ?"
Mild Sister :-" BECAUSE-BECAUSE---OH, I DON'T KNO! GITE IT UP!"
.. B. :-" BECAUSE SHE HAS A BRUSH AND PADS.'"
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
CONTINUED agitation for repeal of Income Tax. Don't you wish
you may get it? observes the Tims. = A meeting of Odgerites com-
plain that they have been ignored by POTrER. This is harrowing
news. = The Mayor of'Gravesend forbade the drum-and-fife band to
be out until midnight on Christmas Eve. His name being WATES,
greater sympathy might have been expected. = Murder in Drury
Lane. No-not the Lady of the Lake-a woman with an axe. =
'Winds very high. Glad to hear it-they can't keep much longer.
= Woman brought before the magistrate foi the fourth or fifth time
for attempting suicide. Such clumsiness ought to be severely
punished. = Contested will of one HoLME, an eccentric, who called
children "devils" and women ." scum." Sweet, sweet HoLER! =
Smart youth breaks a window at a bank in order to get into prison for
Christmas. He cracked his social glass at the bank-he won't get
any in jail. = GouLn, one of the FISKE lot, disgorges nine millions he
had stolen from the Erie Railway. Is this a troubled conscience or a
fresh dodge?, = Great mortality last week 'among fat cattle. Deter-
mination of pole-axe to the brain. = Nice warm sunny weather for
Christmas! Wonder if they have snow and frost at the. Antipodes. to
restore the balance of power. = Report from India that Income Tax
will be abolished there. -We should like to 'see our authorities
fis-cal-cut-a similar caper. = More conflagrations in America! Those
"sound on the goose" begin to fear that bird will be overdone. = In-
ternational Dove-murder at Monaco, "DUKE or HAMILTON expresses
'a favourable opinion of the quality of the birds." Won't that please
the pigeons! = Railway accident by fire in Pennsylvania. Telegram
says "19 killed, 35 injured, and several burned." Does that mean
that those who were burnt were not injured ?
The Wrong Box.
IT is scarcely to be wondered at that people who are asked for
stmas boxes feel a sense of hinge-ury.
AN OL D SONG.
SUITED TO A NEW AIR.
DaiNx to me only with youm eyes,
And I'll respond with mine;
For BRUCE's Act at twelve shuts up
Our right to call for wine.
The thirst that now your throttle drie3
May have a drink at nine;
But after twelve must need no cup
Or run the risk of fine 1
I send you orders for the pit,
Not that they're worth a rap;
But that you might have time to spare
In some exempted tap;
The constable on seeing it
Will let you liquors lap ;-
Oh such a vicious act, I swear,
I never knew, old chap.
THE Daily Telegraph the .other day made the financial discovery
A shilling goes hardly so far as eighteenpence went'some half-dozen years
In order to grasp the profundity of a revelation which must shake
the Bank of England to its centre, and make Mn. Lows's tee'h
chatter, we will put it in pounds instead of shillings. Our readers
will be paralyzed to find that one pound is not as much as thirty
shillings was in 1866.
||F J N .-JANUARY 4, 1873.
FRIGHTENING THE RUSTICS,
OR PLAYING BOGEY IN NORTH WILTS.
JANUARY 4, 1873.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC,. No. 304.
WHILE sullenly the rain down-pours,
The wild winds howl, the ocean roars
Along the rock-bound cruel shores
That frown upon the lee
Of many a struggling helpless bark,
Driven by the blast, 'mid pitchy dark,-
Oh, Heaven, our supplication hark,
And help poor men at sea.
1. The Medium, a chap
Like a fox, bade them rap,
And upon concertinas play tunes away.;
The dance was dark,
And I wish to remark
That they some of 'em carried the spoons away !
2. They brought him, alas,
What they thought was a jewel,
A diamond, no one could doubt it."
He declared it was glass,
Undeception was cruel,
But he, you see, knew all about it.
3. The power of saying No, you shan't,"
Is one that we should seldom grant.
4. There's a rule which you cannot revoke,
The lawyers I think have a name for it.
If you will buy a pig in a poke,
You have yourself only to blame for it.
5. In the old times of chivalry when some one knocked
And took you prisoner, broke a limb, or haply cracked
But when you'd had enough of it, and bitterly were
You further found you had to pay him handsomely
for doing it!
6. To whom thus MICHAEL : Judge not what is best
By pleasure,' K. r. X. (which means the rest')-.
I pray you, gentle student, the right name,
Which to that figure Syntax gives, proclaim.
SOLUTION or ACeOSTIC No. 302:- Xmas, Yule,
Xylography, Morbleu, Animal, Stifle.
COnRRET SOLUTIONS OF AcnOSTIo No. 302, received 24th Dec.-
Grim.; Gyp; D. E. H.; Nemo.
VANITY WITHOUT VEXATION.
Belinda :-" LADY JONEs IS HER TO WISH US THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE
SEASON, WILL YOU SEE HER TO RECEIVE THEM F'"
Beatrice :-" No THANKS, BEL'. I PREFER RECEIVING COMPLIMENTS FROM
Gentlemen; AND BEFORE THE SEASON IS OVER I SHALL BE CERTAIN TO
RECEIVE FAR MORE THAN I CARE FOR."
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
AT the Polytechnic Institution great preparations have been made
on behalf of the holiday-folk, the principal item of the programme, as
well as the most seasonable, being The History of a Plum Padding "
by PROFEssoR GARDINER. There is, by the way, as little as possible
about pudding, and as much as possible .about gas, in this history,
which is simply an excuse for some experiments of an instructive and
amusing character, among them being one with air of levity sufficient
to arouse our envy. The spectre scene is one of the best optical
delusions ever perpetrated, but it would be still better if the young
lady entrusted with thJe part of the White Lady of Avenel knew some-
thing of elocution. The arrangements in the large theatre are
deserving of attention, as much from their extremely composite
character as from any intrinsic merit they may possess. The Three
Roses is a fairy story, written by a gentleman who evidently con-
sidevs word-twisting, without reference to anything but sound,
literature's highest accomplishment, and in this particular heis ably
seconded by Mn. GEORGE BUCKLAND. The story is told in three
tableaux and several dissolving views ; but the experiment is evidently
a dangerous one, for, if comparisons are to be instituted with anything
like ordinary dramatic representation, they are most likely to be odious
to the Polytechnic direction. There is, however, a good deal else to
see, and many of the performances are in themselves worth the
Save us from our friends I
THERE was- a meeting in support of the Agricultural Labourers'
Strike at Exeter Hall. BRADLIAUGH kindly thrust himself on the meet-
ing, and managed to damage the cause with all sensible people. This is
rather rough on the Agricultural Labourer. He might withstand the
oppression of the farmer, but we fear the sympathy of BRADLAUGH
will be too much for him.
EUCLID AND THE ECHO." *
Oun young friend the Echo told us on the 18th ult.:-" That 'the
greater includes the less' is indeed a postulate of EoLID. Look
again, little man. EUCLID does say the whole is greater than its
part," but he never laid down so loose a proposition as that the
greater includes the less." If he had done so, in a moment of wine
or weakness, he would have called it not "a postulate," but "an
axiom,"-a self-evident proposition, -that is, and not a self-evident
problem. But let us explain to our young friend that the proposition
For instance; the Times is "greater than '' the Echo, but the Times
does not "include" the Echo, except partially, and by anticipation, as
when, in the morning, the Times says :-
"We are always reluctant to say anything that may discourage honest agita-
tion .. but it is impossible to avoid declaring that any demand for the
unconditional repeal of the income tax must n necessarily prove abortive."'
And in the afternoon the Reho affects the same tone, saying :-
We have a more responsible ftnetiorn than the speakers on any platform are .
wont to assume, and it is our duty to tell those who agitate for the repeal of this
tax, that they cannot hope for early success."
Again, the earth is greater than the moon, but the earth does not
contain the moon, though it contains many persons supposed to be
affected by the changes of the moon, and it was full moon on the day
on which the Times and the Echo thought and wrote so remarkably
Not so black-.
BRIGHAM YOUNG, it is stated, has now taken to dyeing his hair and
whiskers. This will make him look Brigham Younger; but we doubt
if there's any necessity for his thus blackening himself. It is quite
possible, as it is, to produce the high lights in his character with
12 FUN. [JANUARY 4 1873.
WHOM WE MEET, AND WHERE WE MEET THEM.
Laying his plan,
While the train
Making his way,
To Directors' meeting
Of company big.
With fees repeating
For "Guinea Pig."
IN THE TRAIN.
To ride to meet,
His hunter fleft;
Up with the hounds
When tallyho sounds.
Grim old scraper
With yesterday's paper;
News will do
Although it's not new
For a queer old screw-
Not for me and you.
Li CifANcERY LANE.
Whose chin is blue :
Such a weed-
Looking so big ?
Gown and wig.
At the Chancery bar.
Literary, Sucking R.A.,
Spectacled, ha*ry: Smoking away
Clever, of course. Like a renegade Turk,
Not wealthy, perforce; Thinking of work,
Liader-inditer, And passing strictures
Learned writer. On others' pictures.
By ST. PADt HIS FANE.
Whiskers in curl;
Ogling a girl
Seems his delight
From morn till night.
What a dear,
For a spy-glass,
How she hops
About the shops.
Calm can she gaze
At splendid displays.
Here's young Phast,
Quite the cheese,
If you please!
JAN ARY 4, 1873.]
RATHER KNOTTY POINTS.
MY uncle, JOHN LYCURGUS BROWN,
Was Mayor of a provincial town.
He often used to say to me
What I am, you may live to be !'.
To which I'd answer like a shot,
"Dear uncle JOHN, I'd rather not !"
My aunt, FELICIA HAMBLY BOURNE,
Did her departed'Nabob mourn.
'She said Lay by, like my lost dear,
A quarter of a million, clear."
(But how much liver had he got F)
Said I Dear aunt, I'd rather not!"
My brave but impecunious sire
Was bidden on half pay retire.
Said he Your grateful country serve,
And you will win what you deserve !"
Noting his third lieutenant's lot,
Said I "Papa, I'd ratlier not I"
My mother, pretty in her day,
Had with my father run away.
She said My son, on entering life,
Look out for money with your wife."
Rememb'ring how Love blest our cot,
Said I "Mamma, I'd rather not!"
My sister, JANE AMELIA, chose
To wed the wildest of her beaux.
"Brother," said she, "I count on you
With RICHARD that small bill to do "
Knowing he ne'er would pay the shot,
Said I "Dear JANE, I'd rather not!"
So here I am at fifty-five,
Not rich,-content though, and alive.
My little story-almost done-'
Will to a calm conclusion run.
You ask me to explain the plot ?-
Dear reader, I-I'd rather not!
A Gas-ly Notion.
There has ben an explosion of gas at the Royal Institution in
Albemarle Street. It is stated to have been caused by an escape of
gas coming in contact with alighted candle." Is it not strange that
among the innumerable scientific lectures that have been delivered
within those- walls there did not occur the very simple one- when
you smell gas escaping, don't go to find it with a lighted candle !"-
because you'll be sure to find it, if you do.
Travellers tell Strange Tales.
.WE find the following in The Globe review of a new work Travels in
"Tribes of savages, from whom the Laotians get their slaves, inhabit these soli-
Surely that country must be very like-Old Ireland
The (Shot) proof of the," &c.
A CONTEMPORARY reports that an eminent New York tailor-is engaged
in perfecting a new at)le of bullet-proof garments. Of course an
eminent gun-maker will shortly be engaged in perfecting a new style
of pistol to perforate the said garments. And so the old battle of
guns and iron-clads will be fought over again on a small scale-with
this difference, that as the buyers will purchase for their own personal
safety, not for that of their beloved country, the chances are there will
not be a lavish expenditure on imperfect inventions.
Mildness of the Season.
Trn well-meant wish of. Christmas carollers has been somewhat
inopportune -" May nothing you dismay." -Violets have been
gathered m unprotected gardeus-dis May :- ivat MOOREt! (of the
St. James's Hall)-and hang weather-progaosticators !
SOME ay our national prestige wants conjuring up-who will be
the rest ge-idateur P
Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme.
THE crime de la crdme : An Honest Milkman.
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
The Modern Householder (WARNE AND Co., Bedford Street) is the
most comprehensive book of domestic economy we ever saw. It is a
work to be taken something as we take a wife;-" for richer, for
poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness, or in health," you can find
aid and advice somewhere between the two covers.
We are truly glad to find in The Ol English Mastiff (DEAN AND
SoN, Ludgate Hill) so competent an authority as MR. KINGDON
condemning the manufactured article which of late years has carried
off the mastiff prizes of the Dog Shows (which seem to be degenerating
into "gate-money meetings" )-an animal with a bull-dog head,
greyhound legs, and foxhound barrel: The owners of the true English
mastiff-of which MR. LEGH of Lyme Hall possesses the only true
strain-have of late withdrawn in disgust from Dog Shows, and we
have more than once deplored the absence of the true mastiff. We
trust these gentlemen will see their way to exhibiting not for com-
petition"-to save good blood from insult-or the next generation
will not know what a true mastiff is. We may add, the little pamphlet
contains some most interesting anecdotes of the sagacity and affection
of our English dog. ,
It is winter just now, and generally wet and dark; but we will defy
anyone to sit down and read half a dozen pages of the REs. REYNOLD
HOLE'S Biz of Spades (BLACKWOOD, Paternoster Row), without being
conscious of a smell of roses and heliotrope. A gentle spirit, a kindly
humour, a ripe experience, a love of the beautiful, combined with, and
chastened by, the grave thought of a manly Christian parson (we don't
like "minister or "clergyman") breathe from every page of the
The Christmas and New Year gift books continue to arrive.
MESSRS. ROUTLEDGEs AND SONS send us that excellent volume The Play-
Fellow, by Miss MARTINEAU, Boy Life on the Water, Robin Hood, The
Arabian Nights, all rich in coloured illustrations. For the smaller
folk they provide those favourite old Original Poems, The Sunday
Album, and the Album for Children, all rejoicing like the last in
coloured plates. With illustrations, not coloured, but remarkably
good, we have Children's Picture Fables with animals from" the un-
rivalled pencil of HARRISON WEIR, Holiday Stories for Boys and Girls,
Tales of Walter's School-days, and two stirring books for boys, Ship-
wrecks and Disasters at Sea, and The Letter of Aarque. The oh! "s
and oH l"s and "OH !"s, with which these works have been received
by the juvenile critics to whom we have submitted them, say more
than our most elaborate panegyrics could express.
From MESSRS. WARNE and Co., we receive an illustrated edition of
Grimm's Fairy Tales, the only genuine fairy tales, without which
no child's library is complete. From the same firm come Garnston,
and The Young Squire, a capital story, which shows that MRS. EILOARM'
in achieving her place as a novelist has not lost her powerof delighting
gunztom tc (nzyssgzxxtis,
[ We cannot return unaccepted M3SS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
BEGINoNE.-We make a rule to have no line without a rhyme-your
example has only two lines out of eight rhyming.
A LovEn OF PEAcE assures us his piece has never appeared else-
where "-we sincerely hope not for the sake of his peace of mind. Mind
we don't give him a piece of ours.
S. R. P. (Brixton-road).-See early volumes of New Series of FuN.
RioDnut FuNNIDOs.-You're wrong about the legend, and we hope
about the other matter.
MEMtBER OF THE ISrINuGTON CLuB.-But how, sir, could we publish the
snipping you sent us, to show "the specimen of human skill over a plain
pair of scissors "-whatever that may mean ?
TaUMBNAIL-SKETCHER.-Is your joke a dog-no, not exactly a dog but
another animal-that you should crack it in that way ?
C. W. (Sandwich-street).-Please read our rule. During this very un-
seasonable muggy weather you are to be congratulated on your coolness.
LoVEn OF HuImOUR, ETC.-We cannot accept anonymous statements.
If it was true why not sign your name ?
C. X. B. (Dante-road).-We don't think Dante cared for rowing-but
no matter! With regard to that joke it has gone to 11 Purgatorio long
B. C. (Ongar).-Wait a little longer. Our correspondence is large, and
we cannot undertake to'answer in less than a fortnight.
H. R. W. (Gilbest-road).-See last answer.
Declined with thanks:-C. 'G., Pembroke Dock; Wallaby; B. K.,
Liverpool; H. W., Old Kent-road ;W. P., Oxford; Sol; B. W.; P., Peters-
field; R. H. R.,; J. A. Newton Abbot; Toots; C. W., Eastwood;
V. V. W., Dalston; hawkw, Arundel-street; Vilikins; T., Walsall;
W. R. B., Birmingham; W., R. H., Westminster Chambers; M. S.,
Bootle; C. E. C., Islington; Manchester Quill-driver; W. M., Piercefield;
F. D., Liverpool; G., Thames Ditton; Calico; Dan; J. K. F., Dublin;
J. W., Lombard-street.
SFU N. [JANUAnY 4, 1873.
VISITORs to the Annual International Exhibition must have noticed LORD SMITH, who was ordering in a joint twenty pounds in weight
that when they arrived at the refreshment department they ex- for himself and his retainers. In laying down this excellent principle,
perienced a sense of relief and pleasure not due solely to an appetite MSSBRS. SPIEnR AND POND are only carrying out the system they
on the point of being satisfied. The fact was that after rambling began when they revolutionized the iniquitous old railway refreshment
through galleries in which objects of art were arranged with as much room and abolished 'wherever they went the eatables that only
taste as if they had been shot out of a cart, they came to a place ghoules could devour, and the drinkables that were always phisicky
where the decorations' and arrangements were elegant and appropriate, and sometimes poisonous. It is nd wonder that, recognizing such
We have always thought our South Kensington Art-educators might good work, the press has so unanimously spoken strongly in favour of
have benefited much by a few lessons from their refreshment con- MEBses. SPIERS AND POND.
But the taste and skill of MEssRs. SPrees AND POND were never Charity
more admirably displayed than they were during the last week or so
in the arrangement of the Meat Stores. The ordinary butcher's shop, Wz heartily congratulate the Charity Organisation Society on
with its ensanguined sawdust, and its greasy scraps of litter, is to us having discovered exactly and precisely "how not to do it." The
a horrible sight. The shop in Water Lane is a palace compared with case of the poor woman SUmsoN recently investigated before 'SI
it. In the centre a marble fountain, with gleaming goldfish, keeps up RICHARD CARDEN, is the last instance of the Society's method of
a musical plash, and the walls are decorated with a frieze of encaustic orgasising charity "-that is, of refusing it. The Committee had
tiles of the most artistic finish. Amid such surrounding, the huge refused relief, and the man had been lost sight of since!" were the
carcases of prize oxen and sheep, decorated with wreaths of holly and words of one of the Society's officers. If after this the British public
well-earned laurel, formed a picture upon which it was thoroughly sends money to that Society, the British public is an idiot. The
agreeable to, look;-and so the public thought, for the Lane was Charity Organisation Society cannot surely require funds to enable it
crowded with lookers-on from morning till night, just as the shop to say "No to applicants for relief. At the same time the Society
itself was with purchasers. had better change its title, and call itself The Associated Scrooges.
"Beauty is as beauty does," says the old proverb, and this particu-
lar exhibition can claim our praise on the score of doing as well as NOTICE.-Nou Ready, the Twenty-third Half yearly Volume of FUN, beiny
"looking good. The "Pro Eata Principle" was carried out at the The SIXTEENTH VOLUME of the NIEW SERIES.
Meat stores as at the Wine and Spirit Stores at the Corner; and BOB
SMITH, the workman, was getting for his few hardly-earned'shillings Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, ls. 6d. each.
precisely the same quality of meat, at precisely the same rate, as my Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
TO BN HAD FROM ALL
LONDON AND COUNTRY.
PER DOZEN QUARTS.
4, SAVAGE GARDENS,
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January 4, 1873.
LOUIS RENOU F.
Carte Blanche. Extra Quality dry.
JANUARY 11, 1873.]
A MODERN PARIS.
Is far from plain,
But, ah, she isn't wealthy;
While JULIA's rich,
But ugly, which
Makes her chance look unhealthy.
I am not fair,
I've fiery hair,
My nose is turned up pugly,
I have a squint -
The deuce is in't,
If I'm not truly ugly.
I have no pelf
To bless myself-
I am not worth a stiver.
I've lots of debts,
But my assets
Won't realise a fiver.
But may:I die
If I've no eye
For beauty, that bewitches,
BEsides a taste
For lavish waste,
Involving ample riches.
And so I'm vext,
And sore perplexed
To choose between the dearies;
And all in vain
I tax my brain
With hesitating queries.
Why did not fate,
To put things straight,
Make one both rich and pretty-
And BET endued
With wealth like JUDE,
Or JUDE with looks like BETTY.
Youth :-" THIS IS THE SORT OF WEATHER THAT'S 80 GOOD FOR DUCKS, EH, JONES?"
Farmer :-" Ess-BY T'OULD sAIN', 'TIS, MAISTER-AN' SAME ROOLE MAKES IT USEFUL
FIPPS: A LAMENTATION
BY FELIX FEEBLE.
Y beautiful FPPS I
strove (poor owl)
His sorrow to be-
I asked how chanced a
Unseat his Tory
His bosom heaved with
The high tide of his
Threatened th' embank-
ment of his eyes;
He sobb'd, and then
"Endeavour not to com-
fort me ;
As well might boy with
Attempt to suck up all
As you to heal my
"But still my secret I'll unloose-
0 bitter, bitter luck!-
A tailor, not content with goose,
Has stolen my 'little duck.'
"Ten million billion cur-but no,
No curse shall leave these lips,-
Let her be happy! never know
The misery of FirrS "
He tore his hair, he wrung my hand,
He borrowed of my store,*
Then rushed away. 0 sea!. 0 land I
Shall I grasp that hand no more ?'
The italics are ours.-EDITOB.
WE clip from the Newcastle Daily Chronicle the announcement of a
St. Paul's Church,-- inst., by the Rev. G. H. Hancock,- third son of--
Esq., to eldest daughter of Presented to the bride, by the Right
Hon. the Earl of a beautiful wedding cake, with game, and three bouquets of
flowers, arranged by Mr. gardens; also, several other handsome presents.
We suppress the names for the obvious reason that people who do the
thing in this modest and unostentatious way would "blush to find it
fame." But we cannot resist.the temptation to quote the chaste
effusion in the hope that it may form a model for other new-married
couples. In fact, we may as well confess that having heard of the
approaching nuptials of the gentleman from whom we purchase our
coke and cabbages, we have drawn up for him the following graphic
At the office of the Registrar of Marriages on the inst., Samuel Chervil,
greengrocer and small coalman, to Lizer, housemaid of Mr. Wobbler. Presented
to the bride by Mrs. Wobbler a print dress, a ham, and two sticks of celery from
the stall of Mr. Wiggins, Covent Garden; also a willow-pattern dinner-service and
several other useful and handsome presents.
THIS seems hard:-
William Evans, master of the steamer Forth, has been fined 44 10s and expenses
at Cupar-Fife, for carrying a large number of passengers in excess of the number
allowed by the winter regulations.
It looks as if the authorities had contributed to this by their laity
in allowing him for many years with perfect impunity to carry a Forth
more than any other boat on the line.
Bar One I
IT is mentioned by the Lancet that a lady has applied to the
Benchers of the Inns of Court with the intention of keeping terms for
the bar. We fear if this bar-maid is successful, the celebrated speech
of the Solicitor General will be eclipsed-for length, not breadth-and
that the lady advocate will give nobody any peace till she has won
her silk gown.
THE South London Press heads an article with the momentous
question "Is disease preventible P" Our American contributor says
Go slow I-and then you'll never catch anything."
VOL. XVII. B
16 FPU N [JANUARY 11, 18T.
S.FUN OFFICE, Weadntday, Ian. 8, 1873.
THE NEXT PERFORMANCE.
AtN EXTRACT. *
Too long have you contrived'my curse to be;--
I'll have two better friends in Seventy Three!
To other Ministers I'll give renown,
As Harlequin, or Pantaloon, or Clown ;
But you two demons slall be just repressed
To the obscurity which suits you best.
Yet BRcEs, your wisdom would be opportune
If I appointed you my Pantaloon ;
While your rude manner, AYrTOw, write you down
As-well, to put it tenderly-as Clown.
Then both with fitting duties were endued,
The one, incompetent; the other, rude.
Alas, the Nation calls for reparation,
And I must needs produce a Transformation.
Yet, though I know that, by the drama's rules,
You look like demons, you are only-
Shall make you better! You. my simple BaucB,
Shall play cat's-crad'e with the hangman's noose,
Or drive toy tansnms, with a metal banner,
Or license pumps in a despotic manner ;
And, cutting off all liquor on the sly, .
Think folks are sober when they're only dry !
For you,'my genial AgRTON, there are plains
Where all things flourish-saving only brains ;
Where no superior minds your mind shall bore,
By sinking to the pitch at which you soar;
Where the best wisdom, satire of the best
In "ass, dolt, knave, and idiot" are expressed ;
Where every donkey's placed behind the cart,
And the most ignorant is Judge of Art;
Where a hoarse blatant bullyv is allowed
At once to slaver, and insult, the crowd;
Where rotten droppings, that with pippins float,
Shout how we apples swim! with noisy throat;
Where-not for figures fit to longer roam-
You'll find yourself, my AvRTON, quite at home !
The two demons disappear.
GRaMD TRANFonRMATION SCENE.
The Gleaming. Glowworm Glades of Gladstonian Glamour, or a New Lease
for a Moribund Ministry.
As among mrech dross there are generally found some specimens of
pure metal, so, in the most recent phase of a correspondence with
which the conductors of a contemporary amuse themselves during the
dead season, there is a suspicion of common sense. The woes of poor
clerks who, once out of situation, suffer unheard-of miseries and priva-
tions-unwilling to beg and unused to labour-enlist the sympathies
of the benevolent; but unfortunately almsgiving, no matter how munifi-
cent and extensive, will not afford the desired remedy. That men
possessed of all the faculties for commercial success should be driven
to desperation by want of work is of course a foul blot upon a liberal
government and a cruel satire upon the national prosperity of which
we are told so much but no ready means of alleviating the positions
of these unfortunate beings suggests itself; unless, indeed, the
gentlemen who have published the letters will pay the writers by the
line for the best descriptions of the pains of poverty, and thus encourage
literary talent and add to even the largest circulation.
IT is most cheering just now to consider that any individual of
murderous proclivities may, by laying his plans with ordinary care and
attention, give the rein to his desires, without any unpleasant prospect of
paying the penalty as prescribed by law. That is, it is cheering to
murderers, but to peaceful, commonplace individuals, whose chief object
in life is to live as long as they can, and then to die natural deaths,
the news is anything but inspiriting, In the same paper which tells of
a horrible undiscovered and atrocious murder, we are informed:that
two youths were sentenced to imprisonment with hard labour for open-
ing their own street door with their own latch key at the wicked hour
of one o'clock in the morning, the magisterial argument possibly being
that if they didn't deserve it for that,'they did for something else.
This shows the glorious impartiality of the law, which compensates for
missing, its big criminals by punishing its little ones with startling
HOW'S THAT FOR HIGH?
THE writer of an essay on "The Host with an Object" which
appears in a contemporary, winds up with this solemn and touching
In talking of the host with an object, we might remember, when reflecting on
ancient and apparently spontaneous exhibitions of munificence and generosity,
that we are so tar away from the occasions that we have no means whatever of
analysing the motives which inspired them, while every modern entertainment is
open to be studied or suspected by any of us who have a taste foe examining the
mouth of the gift horse, and who can enjoy the doubtful bitter-sweet of thinking
cynically of our neighbours.
To pursue the theme yet further, with a faint but'admioing effort to
approach the style of our essayist, we would merely remark that the
wily but inchoate enthusiast whose study it is to bore holes in his
double teeth with a. plasterer's hammer may enjoy the more that
doubtful bitter-sweet of gum-boils in his shoulder blades, although on
the other hand he may, with the assistance of a looking-glass and a
table-spcon be enabled to look very far down the gullet of the gratui-
tous donkey before whose magnificent utterances the ribaldry of the
immemorial gift horse pales its ineffectual fires, and the English
language severs its carotid artery in the vain endeavour to fling a
Oun oracular contemporary The Globe-how often it reminds us of
Livy's observation, bos(h) locutus-commences a leader in this wise (if
not otherwise) :- A
It often happens that to discover progress it is .better to look to the future than
take stock of the past.
It also often happens (unless you are with Alice in Loeking-glass
land) that if you want to catch the 'bus you had better not walk in
the opposite direction. Nor does it unfrequently occur that if you
want to see ahead of you it is as well to endeavour to do so with your
eyes instead of your occiput,-indeed, this almost accounts for the eyes
not being placed in the back of the head. At the same time it would
be idle to conceal the fact that it often happens that to discover the
meaning of The Globe's articles it is better to stand on your head than
to apply mustard plasters to the soles of your feet.
THE American papers are responsible for thii:-
Mr. Hiorace Greeley's will is to be contested. It appears that within fourdays
after the presidential election he made a will bequeathing all his property to his
eldest daughter, one-half of it in trust for the maintenance of the younger one.
This will is now disputed on the ground that it was made when he was of unsound
It is no fault of ours if this little syllogism-as MARx TWAIN would
call it-offers but one conclusion, viz :-that to start for President of
the United States is evidence of insanity !
Better and Worse.
WE are told that garrotte robberies are becoming frequent in
Sheffield. That statement translated into English amounts- to this-
that the middle-aged Benedicts of that town have of late been getting
into bad company, for whose raids on their pockets they account, on
arriving home, 'by inventing an encounter with a hug of a, rougher
description. The police are as fully aware of this fact as they are
that, when a young man, detected in defrauding his master or robbing
a till, pleads that he had been induced to bet, he really means'he has
been introduced to another sort of BET.
AN evening contemporary, in a leader upon strikes and the -New
How, and why, is this startling and pitiable epntrast between the Christian ideal
and actual Christianity?
To which we reply, in the words of the Irish echo, How, and why,
is this startling and peculiar form of English composition ?" Or to
put it more plainly in the terms of the Artemus Wardian system of
logic, Whence this thusness ? "
Where are ve now ?
A CONTEMPORARY states that the Goldsmiths', Mercers' and Cloth-
workers' Companies have sent contributions to The Society for the
Suppression of ice." As the remarkably mild winter we have had is
justified in claiming whatever credit is due for the suppression of ice,
we may note that "ice is a traTsparent misprint for Vice." A
missing type is accountable for this V-nial error.
BY the Drudges of Science: Can we get to the Pole ? By officers
and gentlemen : Shall we play Polo ?
',THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
T&ANTaLATD -ROM THE PERSON -BYX DoD amsU.
A certain magibia r.owned a learned :pig, who had lived a cleanly
the people. Bult perceiving he was not happy, the magician, by a
process easily explained did space permit, transformed him into -a man.
Straightway the creature abandoned his cards, his timepiece, his
musicaLinstrument,4n ball other devices of his profession, and betook
him .tota ',pool df ,mud, wherein he immured himself to the tip of his
, have s.:onad Lto do an act line thot."
True," replied 'the'bipel, \with a contented grunt; '"I wasithen a
learned pig,; l ammnowaleaEned man."
"Nature 'has been very lina t.., her creatures," said a giraffe to an
elephant. "'For example, your neck being so -very short she 'has
noi.proboscis, she has bestoweialupon me a long neck." '
"-I think, my goodrfriena, youihave been amongst the theologians,"
said tbe elephant. "I .doubt if I am clever enough to argue with
jyou. Iean'only. say it;doesmot strike me that way."
"But, iredlly.," persisted the giraffe, '"you .must confess your trunk
'is a:great convenience, in that it enables you to-reach the highibranches
'df which youiare so fond, even as my long neck enables ime."
""1ferhaps." mnused the ungrateful ,pachyderm, "'f we could mot
ireadhithe 'higher branches we should develop a 'taste Jor the *lower
"In umy case," was the rejoinder, we "can mever ,be isuffioiently
thahf f1l 'that we are unlike the lowly hippopotamus, who can reach
neither the one nor theother."
1" Ah! yes," the elephant assented, "there rdoe not seemto have
'been enough of Nature's kindness to go Tound."
S"B at .the hippopotamus has ;his roots and his rushes."
"'Lthis mnot -easy toisee how, with -his present appliances, lhe could
Thisif ble teaches nothing; 'for those who 1p receive the meaning of
it either 'knew it before, or will not be 'taught.
A monkey finding a heap of cocoanuts, gnawed into one, then
dropped .it, 'gagging hideously.
"Nowthis is what I call perfectly disgusting!" said he, "' I can
never leaweanything saying about butt.seme one comes along:aund Tts
a quantity dmnasty milk in it 1"
A cat j ut then'happening to pass that waybeganrolling the cocoa-
nuts about with her paw.
"Yeow !" she exclaimed; "it is enough to vex the soul of a cast-
iron dog! Whenever I set out any milk to cool, somebody comes and
seals it up tight as a drum!"
Then perceiving one another, and each thinking the other the
offender, these enraged animals collided, and wrought a mutual extermi-
nation. Whereby two worthy consumers were lost to society, and a
quantity of excellent food had to be given to the poor.
A fox seeing a swan afloat called out:
What ship is that ? I wish to take passage by your line."
"'Got a ticket P inquired the fowl.
"No; I'll make it all right with the company, though."
So the swan moored alongside, and he embarked-deck passage.
When they were well off shore the fox intimated that dinner -would be
I would advise you not to try the Ehip's provisions," said the bird;
"we have only salt meat on board. Beware the scurvy "
"You are quite right," replied the passenger; "I'll see if I can stay.
my stomach with the foremast."
So saying_ he bit off her neck, and she immediat-ly capsizing, he
MoRAL-highly so, but not instructive.
A Pious heathen who was currying favour with his wooden deity by
sitting for some years motionless in a treeless plain, observed a young
ivy putting forth her tender shoots at his feet. He thoughtshe could
endure the additional martyrdom of a little shade, and begged her to
make herself quite at home.
"Exactly," said the plant; "it is my mission to adorn venerable
She lapped her clinging tendrils about his wasted.shanks, and in six
months had mantled him in green.
"It is now time," said the devotee, a year later, "for me to fulfil
the remainder of my religious vow; I must put in a few seasons of
howling and leaping. You have been very good, but I no longer
require your gentle ministrations."
"But I require yours," replied the vine; "you have become a
second nature to nie. Let others indulge in the delights of gymnastic
worship; you and I will suffer and be strong '-respectively."
The devotee 'muttered something about the division of labour, and
his bones are still pointed out to the pilgrim.
"THE POET-T-N FA :FIE frenzyZY"
EE, the rude sun through modest night's
Thick'cuitairs 'gan to peer, "
BILE from his slumber's calm delights
Was torn by:chaniticleer.
And straightway lifted up his voice
Andisaorted what's below,
With hereand there a word less choice,
Aidoncwand then a blow.
"' A bird of morn!. if only thou
Wert bird of mine, and here,
And all thy race's'heads would.bow
With'thine, 0 chanticleer!
"The invalid his broth should lack,
The liver-wing my dear;
Ihe pie the gibblet's savoury smack,
His plume the volunteer.
No more should Poultry-show attract
Or unpermitted Pit.
No "fowl an' 'am," by flies attacked,
Cause appetite to flit.
"The genial fl;p no more should glide
Beneath the grateful vest; "
The omelette nevermore with pride
'Fill cooky's zealous breast.
Th' unsavoury shell no more explode
In patriotic eye,
Or roost to rob, on ruin's road,
The venturous youngster try.
"I'd seize and wring thy croaking throat,-
Decree, in language clear,
Henceforth nor ghosts nor poets note
The song of chanticleer!
"I'd-eh P by Jove, a lucky thought! "-
He rose, he struck a light,
He seized a pen-some paper sought-
And wrote his passion's flight.
A little toning here and there,
A word or two of proem,
Some disarrangement of his hair,
And lo, a comic poem!
JANARY 11, 1873.]
18 FUI~ N -[JANUARY 11, 1873.
isI I i
AFTER A- NICHT WI' BURNS."
Jock :-" WHAT, SANDY, DRINKING AGAIN P EH, MON, TER ALWAYS D IN' "
Sandy':-" TEx HEINM' wAS AryU' SAUT THIS MORNING, Joc !"
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
WITHIN the last few weeks some half-dozen: murders, ending with
the atrocious one in Coram Street, have been added to the list of
Undiscovered Crimes. Henceforth the Detectives should be re-named
Defectives. = Vice Chancellor MAHNs apropos of so-called Loan
Offices, and Advance or Deposit Banks, said he should like to order
money-lending Shylocks a whipping. We' fancy very exorbitant
interest might be fittingly met by capital pun shment. = The Revenue
Returns show a large surplus, said to be due to increased consumption
of liquor. Will the Teetotallers dare to style themselves patriots after
that ? = MR. VEaNON HARcouRT, at Oxford makes slashing attacks on
the Government. Historicus is repeating not himself, but the
Ayrtonian tactics; =STANLEY fails as a lecturer inAmerica. In the
press, How I-foi to ut Stanley, by Brother Jonathan. = King of the
Sandwiches buried. "Funeral baked meats." = The Echo echoes the
cry of the Publishers' circular that, in consequence of scarcity of paper-
making material, we should all be sparing of paper. Well, suppose
the Echo begins at home like charity, by suppressing itself P = ME.
BAILEY DENToN writes to the papers that the long rains have barely
been sufficient to re-stock the springs. His sympathy is with the
pumps. Ours isn't.,
Ir we are to believe a writer on fashion in a prominent New York
journal, golden, auburn, nutbrown, and raven locks have had their
day, and silver is the only currency: -
The number of our prematurely grey young women in the streets dressed in the
height of fashion, and stylish, attracts attention. The hair is not powdered or
frosted, but is really grey. One would hardly credit the fact, but a fact it is, that
a chemical process is resorted to to bleach the hair white.
White hair is becoming to the aged; but that is no reason for the
young becoming white. Girls who are silly enough to age themselves
with white hair should be punished with another capital mark of age
-baldness. We'd send them all to an asylum and have their heads
IT is affirmed on statistical authority that there are no less than
"f one hundred and eight registered newspapers, English and vernacular,
in Bengal proper." Yet if that province were.to revolt, people would
be wanting to know what its grievance was I
A Christmas-suggested Maxim.'
His reason dtre. HN vE. rush to extremes. We are informed, by a gentleman in the
His raison d'tre black line of business (we mean a mute, not a minstrel), that after
THE medical student is occasionally in trouble;-small blame to national festivities there is always an extra activity in the black crape
him-just where he ought to be I market. It is evident that over-taking conduces to undertaking.
IF'U -JAuAR 11, 1873.
A GRAND PARLIAMENTARY PANTOMIME.
WILL BE PRODUCED SHORTLY,
HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT, OR THE GOOD FAIRY BRITANNIA AND THE TWO DEMONS OF DISCORD."
JavaX 11, 1873.] J LJI' 21
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 305. _
"INTLLIGENT and active,"
All the papers laud them. -i Smug l
I would not be detractive, 'i''
And yet I can't applaud them.
The crimes, that men appal mest, B DR .
If you but review,
You'll find one thing they almost
Always fail to do!
1. My JULIA fair l
Has golden hair, i,
She makes up in a wreath it. I
Bit woe is me, I
I chanced to see
The scaffolding beneath it !
2. With baton raised, he paused, the mighty man;
Then gave the signal, and the crash began.
3. A stalwart wight is the auctioneer,
A very stalwart chap;
Whole rows of houses you can hear
Him knock down at a tap.
4. On the French stage itis a common plot,
SBut English playgoers admire it not.
5. It's more than go,"-
But I don't know
An English word for it,hand so
To France the term we have to owe.
6.mas. Jnexs is forty and fair,
And something else I would fain declare,
But how she would like it I gravely. doubt.
If I used plain English like fat" or "stout."
SoLTTIOw or AcEosTnc No. 303 :-Leap Year : Lay,
Eve, Angelica, Plover.
So vrroes or AcaoSTIn No. 303, received 1st Jan.-Snakes and
Snuffbrs; Ruby's Ghot ; Eureka; 1 c; Ple; Smug.
A Wipe. IN AT ONE YEAR AND OUT AT THE OTHER.
THa wet weather we have experienced must have Vendor of Almanaes:-"WELL, MuM, ALMANACS IS ALMANACS T IS YEAR
affected the moral welfare equally with the material -AN THEy'LL BE DEARER NEXT!"
prosperity of the puplic-pedestriana have been con- Old Lady: "You DON'T SAY so! THEN I'D BETTER TAKE HALF-A-
verted into so many s.onges. DOZEN AT ONCE."
HERE, THERE. AND EVERYWHERE. idea of a correspondent. The character is played by MR. HERBERT
CRELLIN, who, on the first night, somewhat astonished the audience
AMONG the many efforts which were made to ensure the success of by his clever singing, while his imitations of popular actors are the
MR. ALrRED TnosrsoN's revue at the Olympic, ow I found Crusoe, best we ever heard, and constitute the only things worth remembering
there is one which seems to have been forgotten, though singularly in the whole performance.
enough that which is wanting is of grave importance, and, as many At the Strand, the evening's entertainment is now commenced by a
consider, absolutely essential 'to the prosperity of any piece, no matter smartly written farce entitled A Dodge for a Dinner, in which the
bow cleverly written. The young ladies who play the principal parts situations are, if improbable, extremely amusing; and in the hands of
have been extremely well selected, so far as faces and figures-of suchaitistsas Ma. YEBNON, MB. TURNEB, Ma. Cox, and Mus.RAYMOND,
which latter they show plenty- are concerned, and their dresses are, if the characters are portrayed with a vigour and excellence seldom seen in
scanty, tastefully chosen; but pretty faces and shapely legs, though these days, when farces are considered below the attention of the
admirable things in their way, will not compensate for the total ordinary stock actor.
absence of ability. And perhaps ability was never rendered more
conspicuous by its absence than it is among the female parts in MR. Bone of his Bone
THaoPSON'S "flight of imagination," which is, of course, a burlesque
of the finding of LiviNsToNE by STANLEY. IR. W. H. STEPHENS plays AN anxious mother consults us as to the indisposition of her son,
excellently as Sir IDigby Cataline, an English M.P, and so does MR. who is evidently suffering from the deepest depression, although the
CANNINGE as a typical Yankee with indirect claims, but the vapidity fact that he is engaged to the girl of his heart might be expected to
of the dialogue may be exemplified by the fact that the old expedient have had an exhilarating effect on his spirits. We can only refer the
of a conversation between stage and dress circle is resorted to. An lady to DR. CARrENTE'S Zoology where she will find the following
imitation of the Christy Minstrels provoked some laughter, there passage:-
being-to put it in the mildest form-a quaintness about a young lady Love-birds are found in both Continents; they are remarkable for having no
in a state of semi-nudity quavering, furerua.
Oh, wash me, mother dear, to night, Let an anxious mother be comforted- her son ias become a love-bird,
Soap me well once more; and consequently is without a merry-thought.
For I never knew the pure delight
Of feeling clean before.
Thd' principal 'part in the piece, that of the special correspondent, What's in a Name'!
receives the same initials as those of a celebrated descriptive writer, Ma. D. D. HOME has-been recruiting his health at Great Malvern,
MR. THoMPsoN having, izcr connection with many others ignorant of where he has been treated by Da. GULLY. We refrain from comment.
presswork, cou bunded the liner on salary with his superior officer.
Thinr is, however0 hardly surprising, when the book of the, words is Chip-and- Nasty.
coflaited, as tlie- author's- sympathies are evidently more in unison Tinm was h-cn a world man might be knawn by his chis,"%-in
with lound than with Aense-; and therefore Swagg is naturally his the Year of Strikes 1872 he was better known lsyhi chips-out.
[JANuAur 11, 1873.
THE LAST ROYAL MARRIAGE
OH, have you heard the latest thing
The festive bard has got to sing;-
How they made the startled welkin ring
At the Chinese Emperor's wedding;
(Chorus) Ban-ki, Pan-ki, Chang-ki Wun,
(That's Chinese for the name of FuN;)
They invited his cousins, the Moon and Sun,
To the Chinese Emperor's wedding.
They had birds-nest soup, and puppy stew,
And kitten-pie, and worm ragout,
And chalk and cheese, and soap and glue,
At the Chinese Emperor's wedding!
(Chorus) Han-ki, Pan-ki, Chang-ki Wun,
(That's Chinese for the name of FUN ;)
They invited his cousins, the Moon and Sun,
To the Chinese Emperor's wedding.
Oh, some on elephants went to church,
And some on camel-hump took perch,
And those who didn't were left m the lurch,
At the Chinese Emperor's wedding.
(Chorus) Han-ki, Pan-ki, Chang-ki Wun,
(That's Chinese for the name of FuN ;)
They invited his cousins, the Moon and Sun,
To the Chinese Emperor's wedding.
The bride was drest in apple green,
With a mantle of ermine and bombazine,
And her head was crowned with a soup-tureen,
At the Chinese Emperor's wedding!
(Chorus) Han-ki, Pan-hi, Chang-ki Wun,
(That's Chinese for the name of FUN;)
They invited his cousins, the Moon and Sun,
To the Chinese Emperor's wedding.
The EMPEroi's dress was quite unique,
'Twas lined and quilted with double bezique,
And his pigtail was graced with a bunch of leek,
At the Chinese Emperor's wedding!
(Chorus) Han-ki, Pan-hi, Chang-lki Wun,
(That's Chinese for the name of FuN ;)
They invited his cousins, the Moon and Sun,
To the Chinese Emperor's wedding.
PEEER PUNTER'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.
A ROMANCE OF THE TURF.
PxTrinPuNTER had for many years followed the profession of a
backer of horses. PETER was not in a'large way of business-rather
the reverse; in fact, the smallest amount of ill-luck generally left him,
without any business at all, but he always managed to get a fresh
start, often to nobody's surprise more than his own. For fourteen
successive racing seasons, PETER had, with more or less success,
battled against fate and the bookmakers; and the close of the four-
teenth season left him in exactly the same circumstances as when he
commenced, his career, namely, with a capital amounting to-all
pockets being vigorously searched-about two shillings and. sixpence
sterling, with which to get threigh., the, winter. It had often.been
matter of conjecture among' PETER'S most intimate friends as to how
he spent-the interval between, the. last meeting of one year and the
first of the next, but the most curious had never.been able to discover.
All that could.be learned;was' that after the finishing, day of the turf
year, neither the spacious halls .of-the Alliance, nor the well populated
dormitory of the Norfolkt, Howard' Hotel knew, him. Just before
Lincoln. Spring, however(he would reappear at one or other of'these
famous establishments, and,. armed with, his inevitable half-dollar,.
would at once plunge into the giddy vortex of turf'life. PETER was'
evenconfident that he would ultimately run into possession of pieces,;
he used often to say he was sure he should- die a rich man and:
member of Tattersall's, and hundreds of times he had laid out at
regular plan. of operations, by which, commencing, at the Albert he
had gone on to the Victoria, and had at lastL arrived at the summum-
bonum of his ambition. PETEr had- never:beenrbeyond the outsides
of any of these buildings, but, out-of his innerrconsciousness he had&
decorated them wondrously, and: he, anxiously waited for the happy
day to arrive, which would enable him to see whether his surmises-as.
to their grandeur had been correct.
The racing season had been over: forsoine time-in fact it was
New Year's Eve, as PETER wanderedsilent and sad through the streets,
each one more suggestive than the other of preparations for the great
day of eating. Tired at last of staring at the grocers', poulterers', and
butchers' shops he turned his steps homeward, and was soon deep in,
the labyrinthine passages of, Tothill Fields. "'Another New Year,"
thought PETER, "and no better off'; bread and; cheese for dinner to-
morrow, and no money to pay the rent. But'never mind; I know I
shall be rich some day." And having by this time reached his
habitation, PETER, with vivid recollections of a recent interview with'
his landlady, lost no time in mounting the stairs, and, as the best'
means of economising fire and light, plunged into bed. And when.
once asleep, PETER gave the rein to as luxurious an imagination as
ever revelled in the land of dreams. *
Derby day has once more come round, and strutting about in the
big ring of Epsom is our friend PUNTER, no longer clad ii the faded and
well-worn garb of yore, but resplendent in broadcloth, and covered with
glittering jewellery. Since the night when we left him to his slumbers
PETER has been undeviatingly successful. The Fates have been
propitious; his half-crowns have become gold and his gold notes, but
still our hero looks anxious and careworn. To-day is to crown the
edifice of his fortunes or to bury PETZR in its ruins. Like all true
gamblers, he has his fancies, and all his winnings have been reinvested
on' a blue-riband candidate at a very long shot. His ready money
and his credit (now considerable) have been piled on the steed of his
choice, at diminishing prices, for the horse has become a fast favourite,,
and PETER has had the best of the market, and means to stand every
farthing out. No wonder, then, that PETER'S mouth is dry and
his head giddy, as, the horses having gone to the post, he rushes to his
place in the stand. With eager gaze he singles out the animal which
carries his fortunes, and his heart beats with a heavy thump, and then
almeist stands still, as he sees the best part of the field go speeding away;
and Hurlingham-Hurlingham, on whom his fortune, possibly his life,
depends, left behind.
'Tis only a false start, however, and presently he has the satisfaction
of seeing the field get away well together. Breathless, he watches
them until they are lost to sight, and when they reappear he sees his
fancied one well up in the second rank. On, on they tear, the dull
roar of the thousands present becoming louder and louder as the cry is
taken up nearer home, and grandly the steeds sweep round Tattenham
Corner. Hurlingham is seen twice to attempt a passage through the
ruck, and twice he is seen to fail. A third essay is made by his skilful
rider, and the ranks being considerably thinned, away comes Hurling-
ham with but one to dispute the coveted honour. They near the
judge's box-a -terrific roar and they are past. Another minute
and up go the numbers which tell the world Hurlingham has won
the Derby by a nose only, and made PETER PUNTER a wealthy
man. *- *
The peene changes, PETER, clad in still more gorgeous robes than
before, is seated in the magnificent hall of a palatial establishment
known as Tattersall's. On every hand he is treated with the
gravest consideration, magnates of the first water are proud to shake
him by the hand, the daily papers quote the prices" he lays, in their
betting articles, his riches are almost boundlessly and he is just about
to receive a deputation of members of the club, who are.to'present him
with a testimonial, in the shape of splendid teat service and to read
him a congratulatory address regarding the new system ofibookmaking
he has invented, by means of which all parties are bound to win.
They approach, they reach the spot where PETBR stands, the address
is read; and the service handed over. And now for the grand reply.
As PETER PUNTER,.ESQ., Member of all the West End Clubs, clears his
throat to make a suitable speech, he is sensible of a loud. hammering
on the table by two enthusiastic friends anxious to testify their delight
in the procedure; PETER turns to rebuke them, slips, stumbles, and
awakes to find himself on' the floor, and to discover that the knocking
proceeds from his irate and vixenish' landlady, who in a shrill voice
insists- upon receiving payment of her back rent- on. "this blessed
Ne* Year's morning."
Another Reason for Drinking!
Theincrease of the revenue returns is due chiefly to the increased consumption
of excisable liquor.-Daily Paper.
LET us all of us take our whacks,
Oar. toddies, our beers, and our sacks;
For the more we imbibe
The more we subscribe
Towards repealing, the Income Tax!
To be well shaken.
The unfair incidence of the Income Tax has called up an' agitation
to advocate its repeal;-but of more service than any "agitation"
will'be a firm and unmoved front displayed by 'electors ate the not
far: distant general election.
Going for The Gloves.
A-NEGLECT of science" is one of the charges brought against the
Government. A teacher- of the "noble art" puts fist to paper (and
such a fist!) to say he thinks this grievance dates from the extinction
of the P. R.
MR. H. M. STANLEY holds it impossible to "forge a cap," strange
notion in a man who owes his reputation to the fact of his having
5IZaStra to Q0oxsyazkgcbs,
[ We cannot return unaccepted MAI. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed. envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
CONSTANT READER.-Thanks for your kind interest. We recognize the
writing as that of an old friend.
HID (Liverpool).-Isn't there an "a" left out in the-first syllable of the
second word of the title-" True Nobility ? "
G. W. (Ealing).-We don't interfere in The Battle of the Sects."
J. VW. F.-There is no lack of "nonsense," but we can't discover the
" verse in your Nonsense Verses."
ROMEO.-The foolsCap-you-let alone in future !
H. H.-The lines halt too much to get beyond what you call "the com-
THE BARD.-At your earnest request we won't "blame" you. But if
we ever catch you overdriving that broken-kneed Pegasus again, we'll lay
an information against you with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
W. (Barking).-We prefer your Barking to. your bite.
F. T.-We are not Notes and Queries; but, as it is no trouble we will
answer your question to the best of our ability. Catawampus" is de-
rived from cata a cat, and "wampus a mountain.
J. S. (Pentonville).-The notion, which you say "chanced to acur" to
you, -has naturally gone to the dogs-fire-dogs.
NOT ONE wHO xwows You (Ryde).-Glad you don't-weo dislike people
who write anonymous letters.
H. (Bootle).-Thank you; we will.
Declined with thanks :-J. S. B.. Glasgow; W. J. Y., Shields; R. L.;
J. B., Dalston; J. W. L.; Tootsicums ; A Detrimental; G., Kingsland;
Von W.; Yank; R. B. D.; M., Smith-street; J., Keppel-street; J. S.,
Blandford; M., Henley-on-Thames; B., Glasgow; E. B., Poplar; B. J.,
Kidderminster; J. G., Bayswater; Tammy; Buffles; Lycurgus Lunaticus;
J. F., Bristol; Vilikins; War-whoop; D. F.; H., Liverpool; F. F.,
Camberwell Park.; D. W:, Leeds; B. R. and R.; Cuss; Jorrocks; A., War-
wick Square; T., Colville Gardens; Wallaby; J. M., buthport; G. M.,
Dalston; Wandering Willie; J. C., Wellington; S. ER, Liverpool; A. S.;
L. C., Oxford-street; E. P.; Natiopal; Chump; H. T.; New Year; J. T.,
JANUARY 11, 1873.]
24 F UT -N r[JANUARY 11, 1873.
A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
Clara.:-"PBETTY FIGURE THAT, MR. JONES, IS IT NOT?"
Jones (who has his eye on Miss Longbody) :-" OH, TOLLY !-BUT SUCH A DOOSID ATTENUATED BACK, BY JOT !"
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
A Nmw novel begins in this month's Cornhill, and promises fairly
enough. Old Kensington seems drawing to a close. Of the other
contents "An Ugly Dog is perhaps the best.
In the Gentleman's Magazine we have the finish of JOAQUIN MILLER'S
rich and picturesque "Isles of the Amazons." The poet of the
Sierras shows no signs of flagging, as some predicted, while on the
other hand he is improving in artistic skill. The rest of the number is
of average interest. A mistake made in noticing a pamphlet of BRAD-
LAUGH'S, some months back, has been turned to account by him in the
form of a defence and reply. Shade of Sylvanus Urban! fancy
BBADLAUGH in -the Gentleman's! The Editor will now learn that
there's something in the old proverb about not touching substances
'that are likely to stick.
In the Argosy we have Johnny Ludlow again. He takes his heroes
to Oxford, but is not very happy in his description of the University,
with which he is clearly unacquainted. Mas. WoOD beigns a new
novel with the year.
There is, besides other very readable matter, a capital story, "Hand-
some," in this month's Chambers's Journal. The author of "A
W'.man's Vengeance" is to start a new serial story next month.
The People's Magazine contains much agreeable reading, with good
pictures, and a tasteful frontispiece printed in colours by MAEOus
WARD and Co.
The City Diary of MESSRS. COLLINGRIDGE is as well-arranged and
useful as ever. It is an indispensable adjunct to the desk and library
Da. W. C. BENNETT has done good service to the navy by the
publication of Songs for Sailors (KING and Co., Cornhill). Our tars
wanted something better suited to modern times than DIBDIN's ballads,
and here they have a wide choice. "The Mate's Return," a powerful
and graphic poem, is to our mind the gem of the volume.
MESSRS. HOWLETT, of Frith Street, send us samples of that mediamval
gold-printing, in which they are unsurpassed. Their almanacs are
as compact and as handy as they are beautiful, and no gentleman's
waistcoat pocket can surely be considered complete without the little
Russian leather case, which contains almanac and diary in miniature.
MEssRs. FRADELLB AND MARSHALL have added to their unrivalled
gallery of celebrities two excellent portraits, one of Ma. H. J. BYRON,
and the other of that evergreen. actor, Ma. CHARLES MATHEWS.
A sELIc or THE FESTIVE SeAsoN.-The School Board may b e
admirable for youth ;-in more mature age we seek-the sideboard.
NOTICE.-Now Ready, the Twenty-third Half yearly Volume of FUN, being
The SIXTEENTH VOLUME of the NEW SERIES.
Magenta Cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
-Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. cach.
THIS CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE HAD FROM ALL AT
WINE MERCHANTS L || C IUONDON ADDRESS,
L ON AND COUNTRY. 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
36s, GT. TOWER STREET,
PER DOZEN QUARTS. Carte BlanIhe. Extra quality, dry. E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and Pablished (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, B.C.-London, January 11, 1873.
JANuARY 18, 1873.]
IF I had the lamp of Aladdin,
Its wonderful pow'rs I'd display;-
This world not a soul should be sad in,
But all should be happy and gay,
The poor should be housed and well-fed,
And good homely garb should be clad
And I'd knock BRtuc's Act on the head,
If I had the lamp of Aladdin.
If I had the lamp of Aladdin,
Like bees, bliss and blessings should
I'd indulge each beneficent fad in,
And every abuse I'd reform:
Education should spread through the mass,
All progress I'd join, like a Rad, in:-
And I'd put out the Companies' gas
If I had the lamp of Aladdin.
If I had the lamp of Aladdin,
All people would envy my luck-
And it wouldn't surprise me, egad, in
A prison by them to be stuck.
For the good I'd done them-as I've said-
The dock I should quickly be had in,
And they'd bang me, or chop off my head,
If I had the lamp of Aladdin!
Frog and Toad.
SoMa fishermen illegally capturing sal-
mon near Berwick were pursued by a
boat's crew from the gun-boat Bullfrog.
They resisted capture and were fired on.
Their defence is that it was contrary to
all natural history that they should be
towed by a bullfrog.
What next ? why, the inevitable pill,
And draught to follow.
Why should enjoyment always make us ill ?
Why should delight compel a man to swallow,
Next morning, the inevitable pill,
And draught to follow ?
A STOCK 'JOKE.
Youth on broken-kneed horse to friend:-" WELL, WHAT D'TE THINK OF MY NEW BARGAIN ?"
Friend :-" AN, I SEE YOU'vT BBRN SPECULATING FOR A PALI,!"
Because the demon Indigestion will
Pursue us, merciless as HUGO'S Frollo,
And bring us the inevitable pill,
And draught to follow.
The Spirit and the Letter.
THc Glasgow Weekly Mail not long since reported on thirty
specimens of whiskey, and stated that only two out of the lot were
One specimen, obtained from an itinerant "shebeener," contained free and
combined sulphuric acid, bluestone, shellac, turpentine, methylated spirit, and
other articles, intended io tickle the palate."
We should imagine, judging from the articles enumerated, there must
be a misprint here. Pickle the palate would be the right word.
THE Sportsman quotes a curious report of the fate of an American
professor who was experimenting with a new gas that he proposed as
a cure for consumption
A dreadful explosion occurred in his laboratory, and a man supposed to be the
professor, was found on the floor, the head, feet, and hands of which were missing,
and the skin entirely gone from the body.
If that gas was ever going to be a cure for consumption it must have been
entered in the homoeopathio pharmacopoeia; for in this case it con-
sumed not only the skin of the unlucky experimenter's body, but was
ingenious enough to consume also the head, feet, and hands of the
A Rod for a Fool's Back.
WE really cannot waste our sympathy on the hero of this touching
A young gentleman of 25 recently married a lady of 42 in Minnesotta, and now
sues for a divorce because she chastises him.
We are inclined to fancy that the jury will find that, however, much
he deserves to be whopped for idiocy, it will be difficult to whip"
him-in the American sense-for folly.
A Twinge for the True Blue School.
A STATE of affairs may be constitutional without being worth
retaining. Look for example at-the Gout.
VOL. XVII. 0
[JANUAIIX 18, 'b
,FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 15, 1873.
HERE WE ARE AGAIN]
We all adore a pantomime;
We often vow, with mild deceit,
We take the youngsters for the treat;
But daddy always laughs himself
As loud as each young happy elf.
For. at the Garden or the Lane,
We greet the motley joker
Who chuckles Here we are again! "
And wields the red-hot poker.
But whether Pantaloon as much
enjoys the poker's fiery touch;
Or all, on whom the weapon's used
Bv Clown, feel very much amused,
We scarce can tell ; but this we know,
That when to Pantomimes we go,
With eager gaze our eyes we strain
'To note the motley joker
Who chuckles Here we are again !"
And wields the red-hot poker.
But long St. Stephen's stage has lacked
The red-hot poker; that's a fact.
,Now see it in our JoUNNY's hand,
Libelled "The Ques'ion about Land"-
'Once more its manic touch shall teach
lA.P.s to writhe, and dance, and screech;
And we shall look-but not in vain-
For our old friend, the joker;
Shall hear his Here we are again! "
And note the red-hot poker.
Ou esteemed and accurate contemporary The Globe isvery naturally
exercised in its mind to think how the tombs of distinguished people
are allowed to decay. It observes :-
A hundred and fifty years is quite time enough for the tomb of an actor, who
alone among artists is denied the privilege of leaving his works to keep his fame
alive, to fall into decay. Therefore, it is all the more incumbent to keep from ruin
the tomb of John Philip Kemble, built in 1723, and now crumbling into dust and
rust at Lausanne, in Switzerland, where he died.
To which we may add, "by the way, and dpropos"-as The Globe
says lower down-" of this century and a half," that we don't see
why we should take any pains to restore this tomb, when JOHN PHILIP
KEMaaLE, who was born in 1757-about four andftwenty years after
the time when The Globe tells us his tomb was built-did not trouble
himself to have it repaired. Even when he died at Lausanne in 1823
-exactly a century after the erection of the tomb-he gave no in-
struntions about doing-up the aged pile. If he didn't care for it,
we don't feel inclined to bother about it. At the same time we trust
this will be a warning to those who have their tombs built four and
twenty years before they are born, and a century before their death.
CA'nOLICS who, not being bigots, do not believe in the doctrine that
the Pope can do no wrong, must have been rather scandalised at the
recent ex-cathedra utterance of Pius IX. They have borne with
equanimity the addition of certain innovations to the old belief, but
they were entirely unprepared for a statement giving preference in
the Divine esteem to aristocracies, which, if true, will give extra work
to the sainted keeper of the celestial gate, who will require assistance
in the examination of pedigrees. Seriously, it is much to be regretted
that so hitherto exemplary a prince as the unfortunate Pro Noxo
should have given utterance to this remark; but, by the eternal fitness
of things, it has its moral, and teaches the utter ridiculousness of
believing in any individual's infallibility, be he priest, prelate, or
With all our Harte.
WE are very glad to learn from the American papers that the ddb&t
of BRET HARTE as a lecturer was thoroughly successful in critical New
York. The subject was one, his close and keen knowledge of which
has given to his writings their original and peculiar flavour-" The
Argonauts of '49," those rough and ready diggers, who congregated
at the gold fields, and from whom, by that form of selection described
as "the extinction of the feeblest," sprang the race that founded.
FuinEco and peopled the Pacific coast. We hope BRET HARTE will be
induced to visit England, where we feel sure he will meet a warm
A MtOST TRnNG BooK :-E.Badshatw's Guide; it's-trains from begin-
ning to ond.
Relatives and Tenant-ecedents.
A CONTEMkPORARY mentions that a circular letter has been sent to
the various Boards of Guardians, asking, with reference to the Act for
the Protection of Infant Life, for a return
Of houses "where babies were taken in to nurse, the occupiers of suchhlouees not
being related to them."
,What does the Board of Works mean ? Houses often have ten-aunts,
ibut-except at Earlswood-tenants don't speak of their houses as
:their relations. Our deduction from the wording of the circular
; (which is very appropriately roundabout language) is that no one will
:be permitted to keep a baby-farm, who is not brother of a Villa, uncle
.of a Cottage, stepson of a Mansion, or who cannot boast a Terrace of
cousins, or a Row for a mother-in-law.
A Sans-critical Note.
WE see announced some new works in Sanscrit. Their titles
Swapanchaksharimahamantrastotra," Trigunatmikakalikratotra," Upan-
galalitavratodyapatana," and Anantachaturdasivratakatha."
We cannot recommend the language to people who have false teeth;
for the most faultless sets, fixed by atmospheric pressure with Indian
.rubber gums, would not be sufficiently strong to masticate such very
tough syllables. Our teeth are all right, but we are unluckily some-
iwhat short-sighted; so that when we have plunged to about the
twentieth syllable we feel as if we were shooting Niagara in'a butter-
A Finished Picture.
THE papers inform us that-
At the Oxfordshire Quarter Sessions, yesterday, Daniel Painting was charged
with destroying three pheasants, in a wood belonging to the Duke of Marlborough,
at Bladon. He pleaded guilty, and the vice-chairman, in passing sentence, said
the prisoner had been convicted no less thin seventeen times, and mainly for
infringement of the Game Laws. He was committed for twelve months to hard
iAll things considered that PAINTINGmo got off easel-y. For the present
it's vanished too _
WE think this fashion is hideous !
At a recent marriage a novelty in the bridesmaid's gloves was introduced. To
the back of the gloves a small, compactly-made rosette was attached.
Every bridesmaid doesn't want a beau, ready-made to her hand.
THE Dundee Advertiser states that the EAnL er STRATHMORt. has set
a good example to the nobility generally, by permitting his tenants to
shoot ground game on their farms. With regard to the nobility
generally we should like to see the re-St-rather-more like him.
I ttuis ^avtleiu ta1aprarkt.
Born April 20,1808; Died January 9, 1872.
After life's fitful fever."
A riTFTu. fever:-Born with such a claim
To the imperial purple, long he strove
With barriers seeming insurmountable.
Nor failure heeded he, nor ridicule;
The prison bars could not subdue his soul,
Or chill his faith in his high destiny.
It came at last, the triumph-not all free
From stgiu of blame and bloodshed; but the stain
Was cleansed away by a devotion pure
To all the dearest interests of France.
He leaves a monument of public good,
J More noble than the laurels of red war.
Free Italy shall weep him, and the land
That twice has sheltered him will not forget
His friendship and imperial gratitude !
England, impartial judge of his reverse,
Spectator of his fall, pronounces him
Betrayed by friends, and not betraying France,
S And pays sad honours to his memory.
His life was troubled, but his rest has come;
Be this his epitaph-" To Empire born,
He won the prize. He lost it-and he sleeps."
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
TRANSLATRD FROM THE PERSIAN BY DOD GRILB.
SA AUSTIC preparing to dour an apple was addressed by a brace of
crafty and covetous birds.
"Nice apple that," said one, critically examining it. "I don't
wish to disparage it-wouldn't say a word against that vegetable for
all the world. But- I never can look upon an apple of that variety
without thinking, of' my poisoned nestling! Ah! so plump and rosy
"Just so," said the otlier; "and you remember my good father
who perished in that orchard. Strange that s@o fair a skin should
cover so vile a heart! "
Just then another fowl came flying up.
"I came in all haste," said he,. "to warn you aboutthat fruit. My
late lamented wife atesobme ofithe'slme tree. Alas how comely to
the eye, and how essentially nxiouw'! "
"I am very grateful,"'t wiyou-Ag: man said; "'but I am unable to
comprehend how the sight of this. pretty piece of painted.confectionery
.should incite you all to slander'your dead relations."
Whereat there was confusion in thee demeanor of that feathered trio.
In crossing a frozen pool a m'-nkey slipped andfell,. striking upon
the back of his head with considerable force, so that- tho ice was very
much shattered. A pea-
cook, who was strutting
about on shore thinking
what a pretty peacock he
was, laughed immoderate*
ly at the mishap. N.B., -
Alllaughter is immoderate' *
when a fellow ia hurt--
if the fellow is we. '
"Bah! exclaimed, the -, '
sufferer; "if you could
see the beautiful prismatic
tints I have knocked into '.
this ice you would- laugh '- .
out of the other side of -
your bill. The splendour '
of your tail is quite <
Thus craftily did:he in-
veigle the vail bird; who
finally came and spread
his tail alongside the .
fracture for comparison.
The gorgeous feathers at
once froze fast to the ice, .
and-in short that art-
less fowl passed a very un-
This fable, like many others, inculcates revenge; but as revenge
presupposes an injury or insult, the lesson is superfluous.
A salmon vainly attempted to leap up a cascade. After trying a
few thousand times he grew so fatigued that he began to leap less
'and think more. Suddenly an obvious method of surmounting the.
difficulty presented itself to the salmonic intelligence;
"Strange," he soliloquized, as well as he could in the water,-
"very strange I did not think of it before! I'll go above the fall and
So he.went out on the bank, walked- round to the upper side of the
fall, and found he could leap over quite easily. Ever afterwards'
when he went up-stream in the spring to be caught he adopted this
plan. He has been heard to remark that the price of salmon might
be brought down to a merely nominal figure if so many would not
wear themselves out before getting up to where there is good fishing.
A volcano having discharged a few million tons of stones upon a
small village, asked the mayor if he thought that a' tolerably good
supply for building purposes.
I think," replied that functionary, "if you give us another dash'
of granite, and just a pinch of old red sandstone, we could manage
with what you have already done for us. We would, however, be
grateful for the loan of your crater to bake bricks."
0, certainly; parties served at their residences." Then, after the
'man had gone, the mountain added, with mingled lava and contempt:
The most insatiable people I ever contracted to supply. They shall
not have another pebble "
He banked his fires, and in six weeks was as cold as a neglected
pudding. Then might you have seen the heaving of the surface-
bowlders as the people began stirring, forty fathoms beneath.
When' you have got quite enough of anything, make it manifest by
asking:rforsome more. You won't get it.
"I entertain for you a sentiment of' profound amity," said the tiger
to the leopard. And why should I not; for are we not members of
the same great feline family ? "
"True," replied the leopard, who was, engaged in the hopeless
endeavour to change his spots; since we' have mutually plundered
one another's hunting grounds of everything edible, there remains
ino grievance to quarrel about. You are a good fellow; let us em-
They did-so with the utmost heartiness ; which being observed by a
contiguous- monkey, that animal, got up a tree, where he delivered
himself ofthe wisdomifollowing:
heree is nothing so. touching as these expressions of mutual
regard between animals who are vulgarly believed to hate one
another.. They render the brief intervals, of peace almost endurable
to' bofT parties. But the difficulty is there are so many excellent
reasons why these relatives should live in peace that they won't have
time to state them all before the next fight.'
A woodpecker'who had bored a multitude of' holes in the body of a
dead; tree, was asked by a robin to explain their' purpose.
"As yet, in the infancy of science," replied the woodpecker, "I
ami quite unable to do so.
Some naturalists affirm
that I hide acorns in
these- pits ; others main-
Staint that I get worms out
of them. I endeavoured,
for some time, to recon-
-,-olid- t ecile the two theories, but
the worms dte my acorns
and then would not come
out. Since then I have
left science to work out
its owne problems while I
Work out the holes.. I
hope the final decision
may be in some way ad-
vantageous to me; for at
i my nest I have a number
of prepared holes which I
can hammer into some
suitable tree at a mo-
Sment's notice. Perhaps I
M)I could insert a fuw into
rthe scientific head."
No-o-o," said the
robin, reflectively, "I
should think not. A
prepared hole is an idea;
I don't think it could get in."
MoRAL.-It might be driven in with a steam-hammer.
THINGS WE SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
WiHY, when school-children have their dinners they eat, but when
they are fed on buns they are regaled ?
I Why, when you buy a clock, it is called a clock, but when it is
presented to you it is "a timepiece" ?
Why, when you have a party at your own house you keep it up till
all's blue, whereas if you go to a public ball, "festivities are prolonged
,till an early hour ?
Highty,, tighty !
A CONTEMPORARY states that winter has set in with vigour in
On Christmas. Eve the thermometer at Milwaukee stood at 3D below zero,
More fool it, for standing! If it had ran about it would not have
erred so far in height.
Fired with Ambition.
Taxmns has been a fire at San Francisco which has;quite disgusted
'the Californian press. The loss was only three hundred and fifty
thousand dollars, which, as the journals observe, is a mighty poor show
after Chicago and Boston. Our American contributor, who comes
from the Pacific Coast, says that Frisco holds a strong handing straw-
berries and melons, but "can't configrate worth a cent."
JMWAM 18i, 197&]
28 IF' JIJIN~. [JANUARY 18, 1873.
'Ii I ~
p/i A' "-~--K'J.:-~i.-. ~i
I / I j
A WAGGISH TALE.
TIummas :-" A' WONDER WHAT MAXES TOLD COW'S TAIL WAG SO TO-DAY, SEUSAN P "
Seusan :-" SAME THAT MAXES THY TONGUE WAG SO, LAD ; IT'S FAHED WI' A XOIND 0' WEAXNESS."
TWO BIDES. One Fool, &c.
OUa excellent little contemporary the Echo has been reverberating THE foolish young man-we believe the giddy lad is fifty two-who
after Telegraphic fashion, about domestic servants. The article is took his pigs to such a poor market for a Pearl, has a humble
very beautiful, but not at all times thoroughly intelligible. For imitator:-
instance, it speaks of the servant of all work as" the pariah of service:" Another attempted suicide is reported from Paris. A young man, after looking
She sits in a little registry office near Oxford-street, not far from the great one for some time on Christmas Eve at the monkeys in the Jardia des Plantes, drew a
in Soho-square. She curtsies when we ask her what she is seeking, and she says revolver from his pocket and fired two barrels at himself. He was very seriously
" Only something to keep her out of wuss." She must have sat there since ten, and wounded. Disappointed love is said to have been the cause which led him to
it is now nearly two. Again, at another registry office there is no one but a young attempt his life.
lady of very delicate appearance and sot half so gaudily dressed as most of the this case we fancy the love was self-love, woundedby the discovery
servant-girls we have seen, and who has sat there many weary hours, waiting for n this case we fancy the love was self-love, wounded by the discovery
an appointment. Extremes meet, and the poor Dorset servant-of-all-work goes that a brother monkey was rather better-looking. It is not stated
into the overstocked market with the refined and gentle young governess, where he wounded himself, but if in the head, we think he is likely to
Then after a little gentle moralising, our little friend continues:- recover.
We have known that for a long time; and we are forcibly reminded of it when we
see the poor young lady sitting on one side of the fire in her shabby bonnet, and the ArS est celare artem.
maid-of-all-workin her shabby bonnet on the other.
We are glad to hear that the young lady sits on one side of the fire THE Art-critic of the Globe is evidently acquainted, if not with
only. Sitting on both sides of the fire is a habit of the male American. pictorial art (the other day he failed to distinguish the difference be-
But what is meant by the maid-of-all-work sitting "on the other,"- tween the drawing of GoExGB CRUIKBHANK and his nephew !), at any
what other ? Surely not the other side of the fire, because she is in rate has learnt that which teaches us to use language to conceal our
Oxford Street and the governess "at another registry office."' Perhaps thoughts. He observes:-
" other applies to her Sunday bonnet, and the sentence may mean It is not always easy, out of the mass of contemporary work, to take those ele-
that while she wears her shabby bonnet she is sitting on the style-ish ments that are to serve and distinguish the future.
one. This is at once the truthful ande the beauntiful-bunt it is not the
original. The thought concealed beneath this superstructure of ver-
THEam is not the slightest foundation for the report that all the biage has been expressed in the maxim, "It is always easiest to
locomotives that run from Dublin to Bray are donkey-engines, prophesy after the event."
11 IFUJ'N .--JANU Y 18, 1873.
r r ~'JI
AN OLD FAVOURITE.
"HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"- AND VERY PLEASED WE ARE TO SEE YOU, JOHNNY!
JANUAET 18, 1873.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 30Q6.
A sxY of lead
For ever overhead;
And ceaseless drops
To rot the springing crops;
Until we wish-a thing in England strange !-
The climate had a little more of change.
1. Nor head, nor legs, nor arms have we,
We hear but, ah, we cannot see.
2." Here lies "-well, well I
Omit the rest:-
Lies oft to tell,
It is confessed!
3. SHAKESPEARE spent some trouble on
This fantastic foolish Don,
But the trouble that-he cost
Scarcely counts as labour lost.
4. It will not freeze, it would appear
And so that cannot be, which wouldd involve
This fact to solve.
6. She poured out the drink from.a jar-
She served out ambrosia-
Never so rosy a
Maiden was called to the bar!
6. Prussia's WILLIA'S a terrible teaser,
By his grasp of Lorraine
And Alsace, it is plain
He's the lineal descendant of C.asAa!
7. Richard Swiveller, fill your glass!
Let the ruddy nectar pass.
SOL'TION or ACRosTIc, No. 340:-Severe Storms,
Spirits, Expert, Veto, Emptor, Ransom, Ellipsis.
CORRECT SOLUTIONs OF AcaosBTI No. 304, received 8th January;
-Ruby's Ghost; Brother Sam.
THE American papers mention that in various parts
of the United States corn is being used for fuel. This
seems to be a burning shame. To sacrifice wheat to the
grate, when the lowly need it, is scarcely republican.
To our minds such waste is a-maize-ing!
A STRIKING DISAPPOINTMENT.
Pat :-" WHAT THE DEUCE IS THE MATTER ? "
Tim:-" OCH, ITS ONLY A GENTLEMAN THAT'S FALLEN DOWN INA FIT."
Pat :-" OCH, BEDAD IS THAT ALL ? SBORE IT'S MYSELF THAT WAS
HOPING IT WAS A FIGHT."
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
St. Paul's is capital this month. The Generous Money-Lender,"
by JAMES GREENWOOD, is an able exposure of the advertising swindlers
who rob under pretence of lending. MR. HAwzis' article on Dress,"
too, is an admirable paper, and should be published separately as a tract
for the unwise virgins. But why didn't he take for his illustration,
in part IV.., the caddis rather than the terebella, which is not so suitable
for his purpose ?
Macmillan's is solid and sound as usual. We believe a new novel
by the author of the famous Phoaton is to appear shortly in this
Once a Week contains the first instalment of a story by the authors
of Ready-money Mortiboy." Of the portraits, the best this month is
that of MARi TwAIN.
The Young Gentleman's Magazine begins the new.year with undi-
MiARIAN IORTHOOTT'S story, Stricken," is the most noticeable thing
in Tinsley's this month.
The -Dublin University Magazine contains, among other things, a
thoughtful and appreciative paper on THOMAS HOOD.
The Musical Monthly, a magazine of pianoforte and vocal music,
makes its first appearance this month under the direction of SIR JULIUS
BENEDICT. It should be a success, for it is full of a promise of
excellence no other similar venture has shown.
Good Things improves. Miss KATHARINm SAUNDERS contributes a
short tale in her happiest style. My Daughter is an exquisite little
The Era Alnanack is full to overflowing of useful and amusing
.Masses. CARTER and Co. publish anew edition of their Vade Mecum,
which, by the way, is perhaps the only catalogue that is correct in its
botanical nomenclature. With this and their Practical Gardener, the
amateur will be possessed of as much useful instruction ard informa-
tion as he would get from a whole horticultural library. We speak
from experience owing to them, and to the trustworthy character
of the goods supplied by this firm-the daily "button-hole,"which, in
the midst of labours in smoky London, is so pleasant a souvenir of the
beauty and freshness of Nature.
OuR terrestrial evening contemporary has at last admitted that it
does not know everything, a fact which, though evident before, was
none the less deserving of corroboration. Referring to an article on
the price of drugs, a correspondent writes to the Globe stating, that
before a chemist can open a shop he must have passed an examination
in chemistry. To this is attached the following luminous statement:-
It was certainly quite unknown to us that before a chemist can open a shop he
must have passed an examination. We have always understood that such an
examination was purely optional.-ED. oF GLOBE.
Were we at all ill-natured we might be inolined.to paraphrase Hamlet's
celebrated remark to Horatio. As it is we will merely suggest to
" Ed." that it is usual for a man to be a chemist before he can open a
chemist's shop,and that as chemists are not born ready made, like editors
of evening papers, they are hardly known to be such until they have
MRS. PRALAMOF wants to know where the invention of machinery
is to stop She has just read that there has been an inquest at Leeds
on one JONATHAN NOTHERS, a mule-spinner," and says she has heard
of sewing machines and washing machines and all sorts of strange
things, but she never heard of machines to spin mules before. At the
same time she doesn't like mules, they're so obstinate, but she thinks
it would be possible to weave horses by the same machine, and that
32 L .,
THE WEATHER AND THE PARKS.
THE RYE AS IT WAS.
THE WoRKS, UNDER THE SUPERINTENDENCE OF THE VESTRY.
WHAT THE RYE MAY BE LInKE-- Aen FINISHED I
WHETHER" is generally supposed to imply an alternative, but
the weather we have had recently has been wet without any alterna-
tive. Inquiries as to its state have therefore been met with the reply,
"pretty wet, I thank you." It is usual to say pretty well," but in
this case wet" has been the truth which resides at the bottom of
The Parks are much the same. Most of then have been wet to the
skin-except Hyde Park, which has been damp to the hide. Most of
them have received additional attractions in the shape of unorna-
mental waters. As, however, it is an ill wind that blows nobody any
good, so it's a bad wet-season that doesn't flush away some nuisance,
and the showers apparently have prevented the unwashed-the Odger-
ites and Bradlaughyers-from meeting to abuse the raining family.
With regard to the Suburban Parks, we are glad to learn that the
public-spirited Vestry of Camberwell has taken in hand the conver-
sion of Peckham Rye and its pond into a fashionable park and a
picturesque lake worthy of the district. The space which has hitherto
been allowed to go the the d's-ducks, donkeys, and dogs-is to be
beautified. The triangular plot which lies between Rye Lane and the
late pond is to be converted into a garden after the fashioR of Camber-
well Green:-at least it ought to be, and the Camberwell Vestry
always does what it ought-sometimes.
The pond has been drained, and the united and undivided efforts of
one youth are being devoted to its conversion into a lake, under the
supervision of the Vestry. There is no unseemly haste about the
prosecution of the work. It is being done with extreme deliberation.
In fact if the builders of Thebes had carried on their labour with as
little impetuosity, that city would not have been completed too soon to
benefit by the architectural improvements introduced in the Nineteenth
The lake is to be surrounded by vases, statues, and busts-including
a portrait-bust of MACAULAY'S New Zealander, whose arrival is cal-
culated to take place shortly before the completion of this great
national undertaking. A grove of oaks will form a fitting back-
ground; and it is confidently hoped that the Vestry will next autumn
kindly consent to plant the necessary acorns.
J[ Awant 18 1873.
"I T T lkT
UJsAni ivsF N.g '3*
HERE, THEI3E, AND EVERYWHERE.
Tax management of the Court Theatre has made another effort to
attract the unwilling public, by the revival of Lady Audley's Secret,
originally produced some years back during the sensation caused by
Miss BRADnoN's story. Dramatised novels are for many reasons rarely
successful; those who have read the books mostly dislike the alterations
made to suit stage requirements, and those who have not find the
situations vague and incoherent. The present specimen is no
exception to the general rule, but it has special advantages in the
excellent acting of Mn. HEasANN VEzIN and 'Miss ADA DYAS, who, as
Robert and Lady Audley, do allthat can be done to interest theaudience,
though the pathos of the former is at times sadly marred by the
buffoonery of MR. RIGHTON, whose zeal in the cause of burlesque
might with advantage be confined exclusively to that institution.
Miss EM, A BArNET is a quiet and careful Phoebe, acting as a foil to
Luke's extravagances; and MESSBs. COOPEn and KxLnY are gentlemanly
and unobtrusive in their respective parts of BSir Michael Audley and'
George Talbovs. For dulness and vapidity it would be hard to name
anything equalling Charles II. for pretentiousness it would be
impossible to excel.it.
'The national drama at Covent Garden has been renovated so as to
suit the national taste as exhibited at this season; new dresses, scenery,
and appointments, new songs, choruses, and dances having for this
purpose been added. The change has been gradual, and is almost
entire, so that the spectacle offers nearly equal attractions to those who
have (been once and those who have not been at all.
Among the pantomimes, that of The Children in the Wood at Drury
Lane, stands of course foremost. The story, told already so many
times and in such various ways, finds fresh incident at the hands of
Mn. E. L. BLANCHanD, and the characters, as impersonated by the
Voaas family, Miss HAnRRIET CovENEY, Mn. BRITTAI WRIGHT, and
other popular favourites, receive full justice. The dresses and scenery
axe magnificent, and, judged by the attendance, the public seem to
fully appreciate the efforts of MEssns. CHATTEAroN and Co.
The Adelphi pantomime is from the pen of its usual provider, MA.
C. MILLwAwn, who tells the old story with new and pleasant varia-
tions. The literary work is an improvement upon that of previous
seasons, and the mounting has received a care and attention somewhat
foreign to modem Adelphi efforts. Under the same management we
have a rather remarkable combination of attraction at the Princess's.
This'consists of The School for Scandal, with a good old fashioned cast,
and a pantomime entitled, Little Goody Two Shoes, and Tom ToY the
Piper's Son. It is not true that Sir Peter Teazle, Charles and
Joseph Surface, and Mrs. Candour are resolved into Pantaloon,
Clown, Harlequin, and Columbine respectively.
At the Gaiety Ali Baba is on certain occasions fitted with a harle-
quinade for the benefit of the junior branches, the necessary .arrange.
ments resting mainly with the DAunBANs and WANDES, who are fairly
successful in their efforts to please. There is a very well executed
ballet, but we can only wonder at the introduction of two music-hall
jiggers, whose outh i costumes and wretched voices induce a depression
no rapid flipflap with the feet can remedy. A specimen of the can-can
is clever and entertaining, but hardly fitted for an avowedly juvenile
The pantomimes at the Victoria and Alfred Theatres are both from
one hand, that of a young man who is fast making his mark at this
kind of work, Mu. FRANK W. GREEN. Gulliver and the Fair Persian'
is the title of the transpontine piece, which introduces us to Brobding- ;
nag, Lilliput, and various places unknown to the witty Dean- The :
scenery is good andthe harlequinade, a great essential at the Victoria,
startling. At the Alfred, Aladdin, or Rarlequin Shoeblack, gives the
author an opportunity of departing altogether from his text, and Miss
CARRY NELSON a chance -of displaying a pretty voice and neat figure.
Here the Great Little Rowella delights his numerous friends with
sleight-of-hand tricks with edibles, and innumerable defiances of the
powers that be, and here are to be seen a grand ballet, and, possibly
owing to the northerly situation of the Alfred, an Aurora Borealis.
At SANGOERS [Grand Amphitheatre, which we were used to call
Astley's, and which still rears its head in the immediate vicinity of all
the Parks, the chief attraction is a pantomime entitled The Birth of
Beauty, or Harlequin William the Conqueror, written by Ms. W.
AKumRST, who has followed the fashion of making historic accuracy
subservient to stage necessity. The inside of the amphitheatre has
been completely rebuilt, and it is now one of the most elegant theatres
in the metropolis. The pantomime and its performance are worthy of
The Black Crook, which, with its present title, and under that of the
Biche at Bois, has had such unrivalled success inNewYork and Paris,has
been remodelled and partly rewritten by the BorTHEnS PAULTON for
the Alhambra, and with new music by MR. F. CLAY, is one of the
chief attractions of London just now. This piece offers peculiar facili-
ties for spectacular effect and opportunities for grand choruses, neither
of which are lost sight'of. There are splendid ballets and grand
transformation scenes, excellent singing, and very good acting; combi-
nation sufficient for the most exacting or hypercritical.
At the Opera Comique the merry opera bouffe, L'Oiil Gred, -diDl
attracts many lovers of HmRvE's sparkling music. Since the opening
night several alterations have been made in the oast, which, however,
loses none of its strength by the changes. MDIns. CLARY andiT s
PATTY LAVERNE are extremely clever ; and in The Postboy, whidh
precedes the opera, MR. H. T. CRAxvB, the author, receives efficient
support from MR. HIaNSTON's able staff of artists.
A STORY IN RHYME BY A DRINKER IN REASON.
Dedicated to Bir W--d .--n and other Goad Templars?'
ST. James's Park was graced one day
By TairSTY, yet he shrank
From other men, and took his way
Unto the water's bank.
And sat him down and clutched tis.chin,
And said "My state, how gloomy!
"How red my nose, how shrunk my shin,
My clothes how very roomy!
"My hand it .shakes, no pluck I've got,
I'm filled with doubts and fears,
My eyes are sunken, dull and hot,
I shed'.so many tears'!
How different these little ducks,
How cheerful they and buxom!
They never seem down on their lucks,
In spite of fate that plucks 'em.
A Templar Good' I think I'll be,
A hint from them to borrow.
Water, may be, will wash me free,
As them, from grimy sorrow."
He left the park resolved, but oh,
For human vows !-he thought
He felt a kind of chill," and so"
A something warm" he sought.
And still the tippler's-path treads he,
That path of mud and flint,
But then he dosen't bully me
Or "snigger" from a print'!
agktfts 0 to ens$c4 Miz
[ We cannot return unaccepted MXS. or Sketches, unless they are aceom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
SANA MENS IN CORPORE SANo (Limehouse).-We really cannot see the
point of your satire. But we should advise you to attend his next sale,
and if you can buy a spelling book and English grammar cheap, the cost
will not be useless expence."
P. (Bristol) wants us to informede him weather," etc. How can we in
this uncertain climate ?
SMAT.T BoY.-Parva parns placent.
A CITy CLRx-m-The "working man obtained his extra-pay'for over-
time by combination and striking. We really don't see any other wayby
which you can get it-meantime, don't abuse the working man for that
which he won by having the pluck to fight.
MOSEs (384, High-street, Cheltenham).-Have the goodness not to send
feeble jokes on post-cards; it undermines the constitutions of the letter-
S. (Hoxton) says he will "pledge his word for the originality of the
enclosed MS." We are not his uncle, but if we were, the said originality
is about all we could give him on the article proffered.
VAsco DI G.-(Doesn't that G stand for Gammon ?)-We cannot advise
you as to the choice of a "Handbook of Etiquette? Apply to the Chief
Commissioner, Board of Works,
CHARI.IE.-Your Rhyme is such a frost, that we wish you'd sent it
to the Clerk of the Weather, who seems short of the article.
NRvous.-We do not notice anonymous communications.
Declined with thanks:-B., Guildford-street; Nemo; P., Leeds; M.
Kintail; T. W. H., Bayswater; C. G. (N., Cheltenham; Nelly; T. W.'
Glasgow; A. C., Uxbridge; Terra del Fuego; S.; F., Liverpool; Writer'
St. John's Wood; H. J. S., Henry-street; P. J. J., Mincing-lane; G. H.!
H. E. W., North Wales; Finis, Stanley-street; Wallaby; C. J. S.'
Threadneedle-street; George, Newcastle; F. B.; R. S., Chelsea; T. D.'
Leeds; Quality; Constant Reader; B. H., Essex; Quince; Chinee; T. S
Islington; C. A.; L., Whitehaven; -, Strand; Club; Poeta Nasecitar
W. P., South Kensington; 4A. H., Dalston; G. R.; B. J. L.; Cleft-stick;;
Stoker; F. O.;'Darwinite.
[JANUARY 18, 1873.
A SAD LOSS-ENGE
Namiaa.-"'EDITH! WHY DID YOU CRY WHEN THE SINGING BEGAN IN CHURCH LAST SUNDAY,-WHEN YOU WENT WITH GRANDPA "
(No Answer) "You DID NOT eRY TO-DAY WHEN YOU WENT WITH MARY," .
Edith :-" No, MA."
Mamma :-" THEN WHY DID YOU DO 80 LAST SUNDAY P WAS IT THE SINGING MADE YOU CRY ?"
Bdith :-" No, MA."
Mamma :-" THEN WHAT WAS IT ? "
Edith:-" GRANDPA PUT A LOZENGE IN HIS MOUTH AND DIDN'T GIVE MR ONE."
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
LAST week people were picking, out of doors, ripe strawberries.
This is berry-straw-dinary! = Boards of Guardians have been in-
formed that an extra shilling a week will in future be charged for
boys in the training ship Goliath. Is this owing to the recent Gath-
strike P? = It is rumoured that any constable seen speaking to
OX-SERGEANT GOODCHILD will be dismissed. Will somebody speak
to COLONEL HENDEBSON = BRET HARTE has made a great hit as a
lecturer. We are Bret Hartily glad to hear it! = Several lunatics
having escaped from Lambeth Workhouse; some of the guardians
propose to put broken glass on the walls. And yet some people say
that the guardians do not provide sufficiently for the comfort of the
paupers = The Weekly Dispatch, of the 5th, was "in possession (at
murky midnight on the 3rd instant) of information that the Coram
Street murderer would be "in the hands of justice in twelve hours.'
The Dispatch was not Happy. = GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN arrested for
obscenity and blasphemy. And BARNUM'S Museum is burnt down.
If the Alabama Claims are to be punished by such calamities, the
United States had better cry off. = Daily Telegraph expedition to
Assyria. In the press-" How we imitated MR. GORDON BENNETT."
Y9UNG MERESHAM says he hopes if we are to have any more
differences with America they will be only tobacco-jars ; as he reads that
the crop of tobacco in Missouri is estimated this year at thirty thousand
hogsheads. Lucky Missourians! you are evidently on the way to make
your fortunes-" by your leaves," as the railway porters say when they
run a truck of heavy luggage over your toes. That's a digression-
but you can put it in your pipe and smoke it.
Non tali auxilio.
In what part of the United Kingdom is it to be presumed that
garotters would prefer to reside ? In the Isle of Man, because there
the cats have no tails!
NOTICE.- On WEDNESDAY NEXT,
THE GRAND BRIGHTON DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN,
Aquarium Guide and Pavilion Court Circular.
PLENTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.
THIS. CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE HAD FROM ALL AT
WINE MERCHANTS I LONDON ADDRESS,
IN LOUIS RENOU F O ESS,
LONDON- AND COUNTRY. 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
86s. GT7oTOWER STREET,
PER DOZEN QUARTS. Carte Blanche, Extra quality dry. GT TOWER STREET,
Printed by JUDD & CO., PheonizWorks, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C,-London, January 18, 1873.
JANUARY 25, 1873.]
THE BRIGHTON AQUARIUM.
THE LEEOBSbTER ANi MANY FRIENDS.
BYrON AT BRIGOTON.---" THE LOVE OF THE TURTLE."
flOT only Brighton, but all England, may be proud of the enterprise
which piftnfitd, k id the Fcience which crowned with success, the noble
Aquarium, that now forms one of the chief attractions df London-
Supet Mare ; the history of the undertaking is, howeot-, still tb 'be
written ftd a brt ht record it will be, It was a good day for science
theni ti spirite d binphny decided on building the Aquariuifi, and it
wi fo #ntna',e dai f6r.the company when the services of the limeiited
Jokfi IIAtM LonD, afid but of affection for him, of HENRY taE, weft
iftMred. I Will be rtmexftbered that when the illness of the former
1iftan, it & eiod of eitical importance, threatened theb young
dbtA*W 1tt i dis&stAri the latter volunteered to carry 6ut the
rffafigbhfl ta ft@ his friend, and with a characteristic vigodt, that
iiitpired all found him, completed the task. Well may the directors
thank him, and present him with a handsome chronometer as some
slight return for all he has done. It is pleasant to see Capital doing
reverence to Intelligence, for it is not always that the world remembers
that while any man's money will do to start an enterprise, it is not
anybody's brains that will do to carry it to success. It must not be
forgotten, too, that the experience acquired by long and,close observa-
tion of nature's workings enabled MR. LEE to meet, and overcome as
they rose, the numerous difficulties of an undertaking as gigantio as it
was- novel; and it is not too much to say that he has made the work
of all future aquarium-founders simple as A B C. jfit as he has
exploded the theories of those pretenders to knowledge, ,who, having
kept a few shrimps in a wash-hand, basin, think they could take sub-
marine command of the unalloyed Atlantic Ocean.
And now look at the results I-what a picturesque place it is, a
delight for the-eyb of the idler as tell as a school for the brain of the
thinker. It is a beautiful building, where, "in cool grot and mossy
cell," you can sip your coffee-for therb is a restaurant in Submarinia,
where MR. MELLISOi's bar faids-harbour-bar-maids f- dispense
refreshments more bat6nt, and decidedly mote agreeable, than salt water.
And if you are a -stident of Natural his tbty, you can sit id, watch
how the finny tribes behave when they are at home, and how the
turtle comports himself in his domestic circle ;-not forgetting to glance
at the carven capitals of the pillars-by the way, the work of a local
sculptor, who must be better known erelong.
By the death of JOHN KEAST LonD, the Aquarium Company lost a
faithful and conscientious officer, Science a sound and able naturalist,
and Society, an amiable, modest, kindly man.
VOL. XVII. D
VISITOns TO BRIGHTON AQUARIUM.
36 ,F -T N -JANUAuY 25, 1873.
JANUARY 25, 1873.]
or -, zci:~
-7 -~ -- --' &~-C~' ~ 55
S I- 2~
A- d 'ta.?.- C-' Sam.. .,, 'ki i t'i5 A
HIGH COMPLIMENT TO THE COUNTY HOSPITAL.
Friend, to individual wheeling hog-tub :-" AN' HOW BE THY WIFE GETTING' ON IN THE HOSPITAL, JACK H "
Individual with hog-tub:-" OH, FIRST RATE. THEY BE RARE AND KIND TO HER THERE-THEY FEEDS HER JUST AB WELL AS I DOES
MY PIGS! "
THE ROYAL ESCAPEMENT.
From a Green-horn Book in the possession of a J ember of the Corporation
NATUPALLY worsted at the battle of Worcester, CHARLES fled for, or
rather with, his life, in the disguise of a rustic. In the course of his
rustication he experienced many ups and downs, and the Downs at last
brought him to the village of Ovendean. Here he lay concealed-
propably in the oven-until arrangements were made with one
'J'AITERSAIL, the captain of a coal brig, to whom it was proposed to
ship a cargo of cavaliers for France. Coals or cavaliers were all one
to TATTERSAIL, so that both were duly screened, and the next night
the king, still in his make-up as a rustic of the period, entered the
town and was taken to the George Inn, West Street, the landlord
of which bore the singular name of SMITH. Directly SMITH, among
his puts, set eyes on the Royal "mug," he saw CHARLIS" written
there as plainly as if A present from Worcester had been inscribed
there also. Scorning to make this discovery a handle for treachery,
he simply pointed to his pints and quarts as a hint to the king to mind
his p's and q's, and left him to TATTERSAIL, who also soon detected the
broad arrow on his cargo. Thereupon, we are told that he "in the
same breath intimated his knowledge of the royal person, and his
determination to riek everything for its safety,"- so that it must have
been about the longest breath ever drawn. The cargo having been
got on board, and the king safely stored away down among the coals,
TATTERSAIL waited only to explain the nature of the expedition to his
wife- so that it might be kept a profound secret-and on the wind
rising-probably from a dash of East-it put to sea, and the king once
on the waves, waved adieu to England with a sickening sensation at
his heart, due however, 4ess to emotion than to the fact that the sea on
getting hold of a sovereign, immediately began to play at pitch-and-
tcss with it. BAKER, who of course had access to the early rolls, tells
us, that as the king sat in a melancholy mood upon the coals-reduced
at once to hiswits-ends and his wallsends-a sailor stared impertinently
at him, for which the captain rebuked him. "A cat may look at a
king," said the man, unconsciously saying a good thing, though the
joke is worthier of MILLER than of BAKER. Ultimately king and
coals were landed at Fescamp, in Noimandy, and the captain got his
reward, but it was less than was expected; and though at the restora-
tion the family enjoyed court favour, there was so little of it that the
captain considered himself "sold," and, indeed, adopted the name of
TATTERSELL, which is inscribed on his tomb.
A Complete Change.
By our Philosophic Member of the TPir-age.
THER romping Tom-boy gitl develops into the most sedate and
decorous specimen of womanhood. Age thoroughly, destroys her
THE'Brighton Herald announces, "the Brighton harriers on Saturday
at Thunder's Barrow." Evidently the dogs'-meet borrow.
3E Ii7N. [JANUA-R 25, 1878.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Jan. 2., 1873.
AN AQUARIUM LYRIC.
WHAT are the wild waves saying,
If one may presume to inquire,
As o'eg the Aquarium spraying,
The water goes higher and higher ?
Do they come up politely to hope us
Enjoyment while down in the gloom,
Or to mourn for the buried Octopus
At rest in its dog-fishy tomb P
What are the wild waves saying
To those who are snug in the tanks,
Do they ask if the venture is paying,
" Or proffer suggestions or thanks P
Do they hint that it is or it isn't
Like looking right into the sea,
Or give the directorate this hint--
To get it well under the LEE ?
Too bad, too
"What is to
matter with you
0, 1 never c
the niggard ecoi
and not giving 1
"H'm, h'm, i
great wit like y3
A moment lat
gush .of animal i
ing touch to a w
IT seems that when a great personage is going to lie in state certain "Are you goi
evening papers feel it necessary to hoe" the fact by an indulgence a labouring beet
in a similar-recumbency in state-ment. On Monday, the 13th "No," replied(
instant "our special correspondent" asserted "by electric telegraph" "Blest if I k
from Ohiselhurst at 11 a. m. that:-- with his head in
Prince Napoleon is to-day at Chiselhurst, but he does not reside at Camden House. life. But why
He returns to London every evening. persons s are waiting to be admitted to the He is now inV
Picture Gallery, where the Emperor Napoleon lies in state. At the last minute I
hear of the arrival of Cardinil Bonaparte from Rome.
Now it happed's-firstly, that PRINCE NAPOLEON did not arrive till e shon of
Monday afternoon-secondly, that the ErPEaoR was not -lying in offended her by
state in the Picture 4aQllery and lastly, that OARDInAL BONAPATB grace of intellec
not only did not arrive, but was not expected to arrive. "It is true,"
To correct the blunders made by the same paper in describing the ancestry; but at
funeral lies-no offence meant-almost beyond our powers. The posterity. Yon
chapel was credited with a gallery and altar-rails, which do not exist; "Yonder mil
the cross-bearer was elevated to the priesthood, and endowed with contempt for
vocal powers which, if he possessed them, he did not use; the bishop "ilThe consort
was allotted twelve assistant priests and deacons in lieu of three; an quietly, shouldt
Austrian general was evolved who was not present-not to mention The mare mi
"the working men in the front rows substituted for three ouvriers at T, e mare mo
the back; and finally to make up for the Austrian general, the four do, threw on heo
Italian officers were wiped out to leave "only one uniform, that of a
Hussar." Hi I Hi! s
Much as we applaud the desire of evening papers to lose no time in her nest; "I s
placing facts before the public, we cannot altogether withhold our which I fetched
approval from those who, even at the sacrifice of some slight delay, warm egg at he
wait to report the facts until they have actually happened. Otherwise You meddle
correspondence, however special, gets into a habit of not specially don't take that
corresponding with the truth. of your saddle-c
BITS OF BRIGHTON. "The en
BY HANS BRIGHT MAN. come out of th
AT the request of the Editor of this journal, I will relate what I foretold we shot
know of Brighton; but as I know nothing I am rather surprised that* "Been -to din
I should have been asked. You may judge by these notes. "Not a bite
Brighton is called London-by-the-sea because it is by the sea, and is few lean swine
not by London. There is no other connection between the names or I distrust
places. which consist
Brighton's principal productions are lodging-house keepers, hotel that happy tim
keepers, whelks, winkles, mackerel, maid-servants, chain piers, peers not articles of
of the realm, and Tipper. Tipper may be considered most worthy of much mutton
notice. I subscribe to that opinion myself. yonder sunny h
In Brighton the best placein which to see fish is the Brighton It is singul
Aquarium. In London, Billingsgate is the best place. 'Therefore If that lamb ha
Billingsgate should be called the London Aquarium. fallen into the s
Brighton Downs are so called because you have to go up hill to get
to them. Brighton cliffs are made of chalk, but Brighton rocks consist
of dough and currants.
Brighton was invented by GEORGE THE FOURTH. He went forth from
London, and Brighton was the result. This was also the reason for
the Pavilion, which is so called because it is not one.
The Brighton Review, though an annual, is not a literary work.
This is all I know of Brighton.
"0 Day and Night I"
WE have long been familiar with the connection of Brighton (and
back) with "a day at the sea-side." The corporation of Brighton is
now distinguished for its Knight as well; the Mayor, MR. JoHN ConnR
Buanows, being about to receive the honorable accolade.
SLATED FROM THI PERSIAN BY DOD GRaILB.
bad, said a young Abyssinian to a yawning hippo.
o bad P" inquired the quadruped. What is the
complain," was the reply; "I was only thinking of
lomy of Nature in building a great big beast like you
iim any mouth."
t was still worse," mused the beast, to construct 4
u and give him no seasonable occasion for its display,"
er there were the crackling of bitten bones, a great
luids, the vanishing of two black feet-in short the
of an indiscreet hippopotamus.
of a bit of lemon about the breaker's brim is the finish-
hiskey punch. Much misery may be thus averted.
ng to this great hop F" inquired a spruce cricket of
d he, sadly, ( I've got to. attend this grdat ball."
now the difference," drawled a more offensive insect,
an empty silk hai; ( and I've been in society all my
was I not invited tg either hop or ball P "
ited to th? latter,
j ackass," shriea ke hughty mare to a mule who had
expressing an optoin "should cultivate the simple
was the mek reply, "I cannot beast an illustrious
least I shall never bp called upon to blush for my
der mule colt is al proper aj son
e colt ?" interrupted th4s mre, with a look of ineable
auditor; 4 u t sp is my colt I"
of a jackass and the mother of mules," retorted he,
d cultivate the simple thingamy of intellectual what-
attered something about having some shopping to
r harness, and went out to call a cab.
queaked a pig, running after a hen who had just left
ay, mum, you dropped this 'ere. It looks wal'able;
i it along!" And splitting his long face he laid a
some bacon cackled the ungrateful bird; if you
orb directly back I'll sit on you till I hatch you out
tue is it's only reward.
nium t is come," said a lion to a lamb; suppose you
at fold, and let us lie down together, as it has been
ner to-day F inquired the lamb.
of anything since breakfast," was the reply, except a
, a saddle or two, and some old harness."
a millennium," continued the lamb, thoughtully,
s solely in our lying down together. My notion of
e is that it is a period in which pork and leather are
diet, but in which every respectable lion shall have as
as he can consume. However, you may go over to
ill and lie down until I come."
ir how a feeling of security tends to develop cunning.
id been out upon the open plain he would have readily
nare-and it was studded very thickly with teeth.
THE BRIGHTON ORDINARY.
BILL OF FARE.
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSE.
F-TJUN.-JANXuAY 25, 1873.
TYMKYNSS AT BRIGHTON.
1. "1 ailway be blowed,fl," sys he to Lord Fitzfoczlem,, "let's tool doen." (The euskm is his own idea.) He says he is our representative, and must act up to the character. 2. Portrait of Griffiths. "Who's Griffiths 1" Why, the Brighton shining light of the British Assoclation. 3. Queer fish seen by Tymkyms in' the Aquarium after diningwith the
directors. 4. This is Sir Cordy Burrows-thrice Mayor of-Bighton--who, in:the nameof the Corporation, presented him with the freedom of the City. 5. On the Pier. Tymkyns in all his glory. Sixteen Countesses, my boy," says he. We don't believe it. 6. Here he is on the Parade. Awfully fond of equestrian exercise, is Tymkyns
-but he always makes a point of taking his own animal.
JTANARY 25, 1873.]
ON BRIGHTON PIER.
I THOUGHT no woman looked so fair,
No eyes had ever beamed so brightly;
I marvelled how she trained her hair,
And how she tripped along so lightly.
The sky was bright,
The air was clear,
My heart was light,
On Brighton Pier.
She smiled on me a sweet sweet smile,
Which filled my soul with dear enthralment;
I thought, this maiden's free from guile,
This is of love a first instalment.-
And I felt glad
That she was near;
Ah, I've been mad
I met her once again that day,
And afterwards I saw her often,
And constantly thoughtwhat to say,
That would her darling bosom soften.
But she'd look down,
And I felt fear
To make her frown,
On Brighton Pier!
Ah, like the darling dear gazelle
That should its nurse's breast have gladdened,
My plans, which I had laid so well,
Failed signally, and I am maddened.
It's far from nice
Your love to fear
On Brighton Pier!
At last I could no longer wait,
But meeting her, and madly yearning,
Rushed up and told, at rapid rate,
The love that was within me burning.
Love's fiery flow .
Ran fierce and clear,
But, 0 my woe,
On Brighton Pier!
0 never, till my dying day,
Shall I the recollection smother,
How viciously she turned away,
How I was pummelled by her brother.
And so I write,
With fancy drear,
And mourn my slight
On Brighton Pier I
WE hope The Globe is not making a covert Conservative attack on
the working men in its statement, made on 1st January, that-
The Christmas Conversazione at the Working Men's College, Great Ormond-
street, will take place in th-e new rooms to-morrow evening.
The insinuation seems to be that the working man has a week-ness
for keeping Christmas for seven days.
A Nsw York firm is stated to have last year imported no less than
fifteen millions of goose-quill toothpicks. Why are we not told where
they got them ? We would fain go to a land where there are so many
geese; it must be a fine place for the "industrious." To such a field
- in the words of the Latin bard (or the Latin grammar, we forget
which)-SDue nos !
In the Swim.
A FASHIONABLE head-dress of the period is described as consisting of
A wreath of blue perivinkles, with a tuft of tea rose* (roes?) and a salmon-
To our unskilled eyes afi(s)chu appears somehow wanting to complete a
head gear so charmingly suggestive of the present watery season.
We mu.t tEpoloeise to our Brighton readers. The combination, of tea with
shrimps, or pr-riwinklis, proves this head-dress to be fashionable at far less distin-
guished watering-places than Brighton.
THE LATE DERBY DAY.
ST appears that.during the
riots at Derby held in
honour of SiR CHARLES
x-Du, a young man got
severely crushed in the
crowd, and died next day
of his injuries. It was
alleged that one hundred
and fifty ruffians-a term
applied' by one of the
Derby magistrates to Sim
C gAL:aS' friends and sup-
portewr-were brought into
the town armed with blud-
geons to uphold, we pre-
.sume, what Sm CHARLsS
calls "freedom of discus-
sion" -in other words,
freedom from contradiction
profound regard for the
B ills of Mortality, and
being fully aware that a
S certain. number of acci-
S dental deaths is necessary
to keep up the balance of
the average in the statistics,
we do not complain that
this young man was sacri-
fioed to the necessities of
the Registrar General. But if we must ,' expend '-we believe that
is the technical term-human beings in this manner, we cannot but
think they might be put to a better purpose. We submit-not being
in such professions ourselves-that this young man might have been
employed as a fireman, or a lifeboatman, or a railway guard, and in
that way "expended" in a manner beneficial to the country and
honourable to himself. But to die among a crowd of rlffians assembled
" ready-armed to listen to the silly outpourings of the vanity of a-
a-a Sim CHARLEa DILKE! And, if it comes to that, how about
an indictment for manslaughter P
WHAT will the advocates of Women's Rights say to this advertise-
ment, clipt from a Wisbech paper F?-
"WANTED, a confined MARRIED MAN, to look after-two Horses, work them,
Sreand make himself generally useful on a farm. Good garden and cottage rent
free-Apply, &c. .
We presume this is a misprint for a "confirmed married man.
We have known men with such a confirmed habit of being married
that it ended in a commital for bigamy, trigamy, or quadrigamy. After
that of course they were confined-in prison. At any rate to the
classical mind there is a suggestion of Biga-my in the mention of two
What Next P
THE Guardian of the 8th casts a lurid light on the awful position of
the poor clergy.
To WIVIs oF CLvRGYMEN :-Wanted a wet nurse early in February. Address, &o.
Gracious goodness! whatnext ? Have Bishopesses turned Baby-farmers,
and Vicaresses Yet-nurses ? At any rate, the Protestant mind will
rejoice to see that there is no intention to bring up the children by
hand-a method which would imply pap-al tendencies.
A Pat Quotation.
A SOUTH London tradesman was recently fined for unfair weights
and scales used in the sale of butter. He pleaded that although he
was practically the shopkeeper, he left the management of the business
entirely to his wife. He was told, when he was fined, that it was his
duty to supervise his own business, and he left the court a super-
wiser and a butter-man." We don't feel quite sure that we are
verbally correct in that quotation.
Playing the Dickens.
A HOARDING has been erected round Leicester Square for MK.
WILLINGto post. Leicester Squarers are not to be brought round to
the idea. WILLINO may be willing, but BICKER is not willing "-
nor is BusH. Even MANTLE is STAGG-ered at the proposal'.
A DisTANC SIGNAL.-The Cold Shoulder.
EXACTLY SO 1
Our friend Charley:-"HAVE You READ DARWim'S BOOK, Miss G LIB-
BONS ? "
Miss G.:-" OH, YES."
Chcrley :-" AND-AH-wHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT ?"
Miss G. (who may have been asked the same question before) :-" I THINK IT A
VERY EXHAUSTIVE TREATISE UPON THEB INDETERMINATE MODIFICATIONS IN
WHICH THE SENSIBILITIES OF HUMAN NATURE ARE INVOLVED! "
[Charley is rather sorry he spoke.
[JANUARY 25, 1878.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 307.
WITH its long promenades stretching out to sea,
With the uplands behind it, breezy and free,
What a healthy locality Brighton must be!
1. Pursuing with passion
The last Brighton fashion,
High heads, or high heels,
Her taste she reveals!
Till one's tempted to say to her, Fanciful Miss,
You are no girl of mine, though you may be of this !"
2.1 met him walking on the Steyne,
He scowled with a mysterious mien.
Come, SMITH," said I, is this a lark F"
He whispered-" Hush! I'm- keep it dark !"
3. He stood by the dyke and breathed a charm,
And bade the demon hear it;
And he suddenly felt a touch on his arm,
For the demon was standing near it.
4. With sombre wing, and sagacious air,
He struts about in the garden there,
He talks, and he caws,
Many corks he draws;-
I mean no allusions to little jackdaws.
5. With languid air,
They sit and stare,
A luxurious rank
In front of the tank,
And, like LIONEL BOROUGH,
Would be happy enough,
If the turtle they
Could entice away
To a little lunch
And a bottle of punch.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 305.-Police, Detect: Pad;
Overture; Lot; Intrigue; Chic; Embonpoint.
COaaxCT SOLUTIONS OF ACaOSTic No. 305, received 15th Jan.-
Guitar; Gosberton Partridges; Alfti; Old Cider Eye; Kit and the
Owl; T. Q.; Pat and Nita; Elevenfeet; Slodger and Tiny; Sour
Lemon; Charley and Ti; Greenwich Feeder; Spif; Old John;
Perry Hill; Pik; Pimlico Tom Cat; Kington; Whipserosa;
Toodles; The Little Family; Bull and J. F.; Spheroid; Smug;
Stanley Angler; Suffolk Dumpling; Cockalorum; Ismeer; Bertie;
Ruby's Ghost; Pipekop; A Gowk; Hoptop; Smutty and Patty;
D. E. H.; Fern; Goat; Cliff; Birmingham Buttonmaker; Hector;
The long and Short of it.
SWhether to pronounce it thus-
With a short 'o'-Oct6pus,
Or to give it as Octopus,-
That's an oyster none can ope us!
STODDARD contributes a Christmas story exquisitely fresh and sweet-
CHATS ON THE NAGS. As we were the first in England to'note the rise of. the BBET HARTB
JANUARY. star in the Western horizon, we should not naturally be anxious to
London Society contains nothing of very marked interest beyond peril an achieved repute for prophecy, but we feel sure that Mn.
"The Simpleton," and an excellent pair of pictures by HARRISON STODDARD has only to publish a collection of his writings in England
WEIR-" Fur and Feather/" which should have had some pleasant to win a deserved renown.
letterpress to accompany them; for next to pictures with copy too The Sciolist is the not very taking title of a new amateur magazine,
obviously written up to them, the worst mistake is that of pictures of which it would not be fair to form an opinion from a" first number.
slipt in without comnient or reason, but just to fill up, like the bit of MEssas. BARNARD AND SONS of Oxford Street-concerning whom
roll your baker pops in the scale to make due weight for your loaf. we may note for the benefit of parents and guardians that they
Good Words has the first of a series of papers on the Gulf Stream, are the people to go to for a magic-lantern exhibition-issue a catalogue,
by Da. CARPENTER, which alone stamps the number with high value, which besides being a guide to all the materials for every sort of art
The illustrations to the first story are very graceful and artistic, work, is a work of art in itself, so good is the colour-printing of its
The Sunday Magazine is excellent as ever, but the illustrations to illustrations.
our mird are too evidently falling into the style in which the Received:-leisure Hour; Sunday at Home; Golden Hours; Grave
originality of the artist is lost in the technicalities of engraving, and Gay; Le Follet; Westminster Papers; Food Joum al. -
The Gardener's Magazine records a pleasant dinner held to celebrate
the publication of its thousanth number. Its evergreen merit is Octopus*.
unflagging despite its age.went out for a crawl,
Giant-Land winds up with due poetical justice in the current MAnd in with a OCTO -fish went out for a crawl,
number of Our Young Folks Budget; but we are glad to learn MR. And inwith a dog-fish chanced to fall.
Panocro's pencil will illustrate the succeeding story. Not all the Directors nor all of their men
The Atlantic Monthly opens with its new agency at MEssRs. WARNE Will ever recover Octopus again.
and Co's., with an excellent number, in which WENDELL HoLMeS, T. B.
ALDmICH and others are at their best. We think the magazine will Ex-squeeze-it I
become established in England at its reduced price- at any rate it By one who hUs shaken-a foot at the Pavilion.
should! i. No lady would willingly refuse to lend her hand to promote the
The Overland Monthly seems to have put on a spurt this time, and is success of a Volunteer Ball-but we fear that at times it is pressed
far better than it has been for years. There's a capital description of in the service."
Southend in it, from the pen of PRENTICE MULFOBD; while CHARLES Conf : carmen luctuosissimum Humptt Dampti.
JAN'ARY 25, 187,3.J
I I -k- \1
WHY"1' THE AQUAIk-UM LIKE
4'cON'DUOT IN PRESUMiNr :Tc
H 89 PIPE FISit+
SOCIAL AND SCIENTIFIC. -
\S0 S" L E S S
[JAIUvAEY 25, 1873.
A MISTAKE SOMEWHE R I
All aldng o' the long Uilter.
Flyman, to Brown Exquisite, Esq. :-" I SAY, (GUt'IOR, jUTi pUT THE NOSBEAG ON F0d UP, WILL YER ?-AND TELL JEMMY I'M GOING
OVER TO THE 'JOLLY SAILOR BOys,' IF HE LIKES TO '.VA A PINT1 "
OTUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
REV. V. H. MOYLE and accomiplices charged with forgery. We
suppose they used to hold preyer-meetings. Two boys taken-up for
the lamb-like practise of drinking matutinal milk left in doorways. =-
Enterprising advertiser "pales" Leicester Squate's ineffectual fitOS,
We should have thought the treasure not Worth hoarding. = Missloiot
of COUNT SCHOUVALOFF from St. Petersburg is exciting great curiosity.
When shall we shoval-off this mortal coil ? = Strike in South Wales
continues. The strikers, however, are beginning to raise wails
already. Sarvemrite. The unselfish farmer is howling against the
malt tax, for which he suggests, as a substitute, a tax on beer, and an
increased income tax! Disinterested and intelligent financier-rwe
should like to have the malting of him. = London School Board lays
recommendations before Vice President of Education Board. If they
take as long hatching as they did laying, the chickens went be of much
account. If something is not done to check the headlong vehemence
with which the School Board does nothing, the members will slip off
it into the last century. = The police continue to succeed in not catch-
ing the Cosam Street murderer. However, as they have had half -a
hundred innocent people in custody, and haven't tried to manufacture
the required criminal, they have not done badly. = The Chelsea Bun
-we mean baronet-has been addressing his constituents. The
nation will erelong be indebted to him for anew adjective synonymous
with ridiculous "-Sirdilkulous.
$tusab s tc 00Ta ScxtntWs.
[pe cannot return unaccepted MSS. or ,Sketches, unless t ay Ot fmon.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold OWsehes
responsible for loss.] -
0. X.X B.We hivO not seon the magazine to which you refer.
F. (Barnet).-All right-bitt the resemblance was a curious coin-
HiBERNICUS.-Why abli#6 the rain, Pat ? tecaise it's patter ? But if
the weather's damp, ybtir letter is a dampet.
USEFUL POETRY."-It may be useful-to light fires, but it isfi't poetry.
SiRa Pr SAUCm.-You'll find yourself in the wrong boat if yot don't
J. P. (Poplar).-In your memorial ode the strain-is lofty as bhebfnes a
poplar muse. But there is too much strain about it-opodeldd6 (of soap
liniment) is said to be good for strains. Let us soap so!
Declined with thanks:-Disciple of Learning; F. T., Rome; Buffy;
M., SwanSea; J. S. B., Glasgow; W., Pudsey; C., Oswestry; Toodles;
J. C., Glasgow ; Y., Burlington Arcade; Omega; A. F. M., Ldamington;
C., Leicester-square; A. C., Sfirbiton; Southport; A., Lancaster-road;
Nemo, Bathgate; -, Adelaide-road, Penge; WV. J. H., Chesterfield;
W. H. N., Fulham; E. IT., Falkirk; Zeb, St. Andrew's, Scipio; B. F.,
Islington; Hodge; L. D., Liverpool; Yank; B. B.; S., Welfington; A-cow-
Atick; A Spectator; Chip; Constant Reader; M. WV., Dalston; Wallaby;
E. F.; Totrist; W. S., Edgware-road; A gas-ser; R., Kilburn; D. J.,
Westbournie Park; Strong; Mac At., Dundee.
THIS. CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE BAD FROM ALL AT
WINE MERCHANTS n LONDON ADDRESS,
LOUIS RENO U F
LONDON AND COUNTRY. I 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
36s. Carte Biahche. Extra u y dry. GT. TOWER STREET,'
PER DOZEN QUARTS. Garte Blaclie. Extra Ouality drE.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, January 25, 1873.
FEBRUARY 1, 1873.]
A MORNING contemporary, which rarely
misses the opportunity for a joke, kept up
its reputation during the recent Chislehurst
obsequies ; and, among other special and
peculiar information, furnished its readers
with the following account of some doings
on the morning of the Emperor's
The Prince Napoleon, accompanied by Princes
Lucien and Charlks, and the Princes Joachim,
Achille, and Chailes Murat, had in the meantime
left Camden House in two close carriages for the
rts dence of Count Clary. At twenty minutes to
eleven the carriages returned, and drove by a
back way to the lawn at the rear of the house,
from which ttey entered the drawing-room by
one of the open windows, and proceeded after
some moments to the corridor.
There may be perhaps some political
significance in this procession of two close
carriages through one of the open windows
when closed ones might have been chosen,
but what it is we are unable to say. A
mischievous correspondent suggests-only
suggests, mind-that the sorrow which is
proverbially dry affected the reporter even
unto dimness of sight and confusion of
grammar, but we should be loth to infer
that of any one connected with a journal
of high class and "world-wide circula-
IT is reported that there is a man at
Cincinnati who is so bow-legged that he is
obliged to have his trousers cut out with a
circular saw. He ought to marry the
Miss TURNER who is said to be so lathey-
like that you can't help giving her
"eccentric chucks under the chin.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 308.
Will cease his folly,
And MR. ONSLOW
Will go anon slow,
S'nce to the mulct of JusTIcE COCKBURN
We add the fees those of long robe earn.
1. Poor children of earth,
Our experience is such,
That this more we find
Than double as much.
2. This must have been the ill that did derange
Poor MARIANA of the moated grange;
_What time she said,
That life was dreary
And she so weary
She'd fain be dead.
3. While lives the English tongue,
The poems that were sung
Beside thy bank
Shall make thee rank
Our proudest streams among.
4. When on6 names
THORNE and JAMES,
This one construes sprightly '-
For laughter's born
Of JAMES and THORNE
To crowded houses nightly.
5. The Dean, in his bitterest mood of all,
Dipped his truculent pen in gall,
When he drew that portrait of human-kind
Which has been ever since by this word defined.
SOLUTION oF ACRosTIC No. 306:- Weather Showery : Walls, Epi-
taph, Armado, Thaw, Hebe, Emperor, Rosy.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 306, received 22nd January.-Gyp ; Ruby.
Ghost; Smug ; Suffolk Dumpling; Alfti; Guitar; Pipekop; Yerrip; Slodger and
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
Ma. MAGNUs OHRER, perhaps the first authority on the gas question
in our time, publishes a new edition of his pamphlet on Heating and
Cooking by Gas. With fuel at its present price, and the possibility of
a rise, it is very desirable that a system of cooking and heating such as
he describes should be discovered. Unfortunately there are two draw-
backs-first, the bad quality of the gas supplied by most companies;
and, secondly, the wasteful and expensive nature of almost all the
apparatus yet invented. We have a tender spot in memory's waste,
caused by a gas-stove, that in one short quarter cost as much for gas as
the rst of the hcuse coat for a whole twelvemonth! Let us hope
those which Ma. ORREN recommends work better.
We are glad to find that" Benjie," in addition to his Edinburgh
Guide, has published a Tour in Shetland, which is useful and interest-
ing We have but one complaint to urge against it-it makes us wash
we were a Shetland pony instead of a literary hack.
The Index Railway Guide is a real boon to travellers, who can really
" find in a minute how to get to and from London by rail. It is
neatly arranged, and well printed, and in each case the fares are
intelligibly stated. It appears likely to become the guide.
Deer v. Donkey.
THE people of Jasper County, Mississippi, lately voted against the
introduction of railways on the ground that the locomotives would
frighten away the deer. Of course, a place where deer are plentiful
is likely to be a little be-hind, apt to buck at innovation, and fawn on
tradition. But our Jasper friends should be told that if the railway
drives away the deer it will cause an immense influx of donkeys.
"Dye Meliora "
A HAIRDRESSER of Marseilles has been heavily fined for mismanage-
ment in dyeing a lady's hair violet instead of red. We fear his mistake
arose from an ignorance of complementary and uncomplimentary
colours. A lady who wishes to dye must be very green, and the
addition of red' in large quantities might annul the yellow, and
naturally produce purple.
MOTTO FOR FARMERS WITH PRECARIOUS HOLDINGS.-The lea3e said
-the soonest mended.
VOI,. XVII. E
Elder Brother :-" You DON'T KNOW GRAMMAR, CHAnRLEY
Charley :-" YES, ME DO KNOW GRAMMA-ME WENT TO SEE HER ON CHRISTMAS-DAY I "
FUN OFFICO, Wednesday, Jan. 29, 1873.
A WARNING FROM THE PAST.
Fling away ambition."-Shakespearc.
EMPIRE-what is't to found p
A troublous youth, by want and danger crost,
A throne late. gained, and all too early lost,
A grave in alien ground!-
True friends, as true as few,
Won in adversity, who died too soon ;
And their successors, in Success's noon,
As treacherous as new!-
Subjcts, like fiekle-flame,
Who keep no memory of kindness past,
Who, battening on lon's;peace's blessings vast,
Clamoured for warlike fame!-
Then war-insane,y not brave-
Treason, where confidence'was most complete,
A hopeless struggle, bitterness, defeat,
Chains, exile, and a, grave!
Boy,-dream not of the crown!
Rather bear arms where English colours fly,
And win from sorrowing Britain, when you:die,
Love,'ehoafr, and renown!
ALL possessors of fairly balanced minds-whether -admircra of- the-
Claimant and believers in his integrity, or the reverse; whether
sympathising with him as an unfortunate gentleman, or regarding
him as a large and particularly fine specimen of the impostor genus-
must rejoice in the elaborate and unimpassioned judgment given by
SmI ALEXANDER COCKBUiN in the most recent phase of the intermi-
nable Tichborne case. Undoubtedly chivalrous as are both MR.
ONSLow and MS. WHALLEY, theii chivalry hardly compensates for the
scandal aroused in ignorant minds by the fact that two law-givers
have been openly defying the laws with which they are so intimately
connected. Sympathy is one thing, deliberate and violent denunciation
of the procedure in one of our highest courts, another; and though we
can afford to laugh at the inconsequent and sometimes incoherent
statements of an unknown gentleman from Lincolnshire, who may
challenge the whole bench of Judges to come on, with impunity, we
must, it we cannot command brains in all our legislators, at least
demand delicacy of expression, on questions of public interest, from
IT is satisfactory to remark that even Justices of the Peace are
beginning to admit the right of dumb animals to decent treatment,
though many may think that if they punish gross brutality at all, it
would be as well to punish it according to its deserts. Recently a
man was convicted, at Sevenoaks, of torturing a horse in the most
inhuman manner, and the chairman, in passing sentence on him, said,
on behalf of himself and the rest of the Bench, that it was one of the
most disgraceful cases they had ever heard, and they felt it to be their
duty, not to inflict a fine, but to sentence him to"- Possibly our
readers may anticipate after this that the convicted brute got some-
thing worthy of remembering in connection with his offence. He
received six weeks' imprisonment for each of the crimes of which he
was found guilty, rather less than a pauper's sentence if found picking
up sticks; and we leave it to our readers to determine whether it was
in jubilation or sorrow that he shouted, as he was removed, I live in
England, I do."
A Tough Yarn.
FEW have seen more of life than the heir apparent to the throne;-
not long ago he chose to honour Chatsworth with his presence, since
then (but don't mention it) he has picked lolkham !
HUETING men may well complain that the country is "holding."
No one who has experienced the cost in time and money of transfer-
ring landed property will feel inclined to dispute the fact.
Speed the Dredger.
A cOMPANY offers relaid oysters to the public. There are few to
whom a relay of the delicious bivalve will not be acceptable.
REAL SPANISH POINT."-The works of CERVANTES.
[FEBRUARY 1, 1873.
LINCOLN SPRING MEETING.
[THE Editor of FUN has received the following communication from
his undoubtedly talented but apparently vicious sporting correspon-
'dent, and in the interests of his readers feels morally compelled to
,publi-h it, notwithstanding its being marked ".private and confiden-
tial." Though the task is unpleasant, the Editor feels the glow of
:conscious rectitude suffusing his sealskin waiscoat.]
Dear Sir,-Though your conduct towards me during.the slack time
'has:been characterized by a malice closely allied to the envy shown by
'you.at the height of my last successful season-though you have
:rejected every effort made by me to show that to an.ambitious, even if
*sporting, pen all literature is open-though you have refused my
'remarks on the drama, declined without thanks my social verses, and
.jeered .at my series of "Fables of Zrmbri" (the present writer of
,xihich 'seems, by the way, to be totally ignorant of his absurdity),-
,though you have done all this and much more, I.haveno wish to be
'badifriends, at all events while 3ou are able to annoy me. Therefore
llseniedyou the -following verses, and if you'll publish them with a
'line or two. ofvreomnmendation, we shall get some money sent up for my
-new -system of discretionary investments. Honour among-hem,
editors;und contributors; fair halves and no humbug. I call the
*Weu'rtwinter with its ice and snow
ilstgone, and birds begin to sing,
VWhen balmy breezes softly blow
And murmuring streams serenely flow,
We'll shout aloud for Lincoln Spring.
Then will we leave the crowded town,
And joyously our flight we'll wing,
To back the bay, the black, or brown-
On Carholme plain we'll pop it down-
Taking our choice at Lincoln Spring.
Those punters who at Liveipool
Prefer to try and break the ring,
Will often find their courage cool,
While wo, flatracing, have a rule
Of making hay at Lincoln Spring.
Then, who will send his notes or gold,
Which shall be put on our good thing ? "
And in return for being bold,
He'll find his money ten times told,
Should AreGSPUn win at Lincoln Spring.
Chance it I
THE improved illumination from the summit of St. Stephen's which
will mark the sitting of Parliament during -the approaching session,
is not quite perfect. Bearing in mind the amount of empty talkee-
talkee in the best club in Europe," the light should have been made
-a flash one.
Sharp's the Word.
BRONza implements are not objects of interest to the antiquarian
alone-the commercial world has a strong affection for them in one
shape,- the "nimble ninepence."
A Fresh Subject.
THE stock arguments of the teetotallers have long since lost the
charm of novelty. Is there no moral to be drawn from the calling of
the rag and "bottle dealer ?-do d.ad men" tell no tales ?
Bully for you!
THE Head-master of Rugby has been hard hit by the Governors :-
enough to extort from him the cry-" Am I not Hay-man and a
From the Kennel.
THE great guns of the sporting world fully appreciate the value of
a sound education. Even the keepers who school their young dogs for
the moors and stubbles are certificated."
HIGH cultivation is not without its disadvantages: we hear that the
young wheats on a model farm are looking proud,"
FEiaiAuitsr 1, 1873 1
THE MAGICIAN'S LITTLE JOKE.
AnouT the middle of the fifteenth century there dwelt in the Black
Forest a pretty bat unfashionable young maiden named Sii'raanna
WHrSKIBLOTE. The first of these namesiwas- hers in monopoly; the
other she enjoyed in common with her father. SIMPRSLLA was the
umst beautiful Fifteenth-century girl L:ever'saw. She had coloured"
eyes, a complexion, some hair, and twa lips very nearly alike, which
partially covered a lot of teeth. She'was-gifted:with the complement
of legs commonly worn at' that' period, supporting a body to which
were loosely attached, in the manner of her country, as many arms as
she had any use for, inasmuch as she was not required to hold baby.
But all theie charms- were only so many objeo ive points for the
operations of the paternal'cudgel; for this father of hers was a hard,
unfeeling man, who had no bowels-of compassion for his b'udg.on.
Me would put it to work early, and keep it going alliday; and when
it was worn oat with hard service, instead of rewarding it with steady
employment he would. cruelly throw it over and'get afresh one. It is.
scarcely to be wmdered'at'that a girl harried in this way should be
driven to the insane-expedient'of falling in love.
Near the neat mud cottagein which SiIPRELLA vegetated was a dense
wood, extending for miles in varinus- directions, according to the point
from which it was vie wed,.
By a method readily un-,
derstood, it had been so
arranged that it was the
next easiest, thing in the
world: to get into it, and-
the very easiest thing in'
the worldto. stay there.
In the centre of- this
labyrinth was- a castle of:
the early:promiscuous or- .-
der .of architecture -an
order which was until
recently much employed
in the construction of
powder-woriks, but isinow
entirely exploded. In.this
baronial halllived an eligi-
ble single party-az giant
so tall he used: a step-lad-
der to put on his hat, and -
could not put his hands
into his pockets without
kneeling. He lived en-
tirely alone, and gave him-
self up to the practice of
iniquity, devising prohibi-
tory liquor laws, imposing
the income tax, and drink-
ing shilling claret. But
seeing SIMPRELLA one day,
he bent himself into the I
form of a horse-shoe mag-
net to look into her eyes.
Whether it was his mag- '
netic attitude acting upon q'" '-i
a young heart steeled by r/
adversity, or his chivalric II
forbearance in not eating
her, I know not. I only
know that from that mo-
ment she became riotously enamoured of him; and the reader may
accept either the scientific or the popular explanation, according to the
bent of his mind.
She at once asked the giant in marriage, and obtained the consent
of his parents by betraying her father into their hands; explaining to
them, however, that he was not good to eat, but might be drunk on
The marriage proved a very happy one, but the household duties of
the bride were extremely irksome. It fatigued her to dress the beeves
for dinner; it nearly broke her back to black her lord's boots without
any scaffolding. It took her all day to perform any kindly little
office for him. Bat she bore it all uncomplainingly, until one morn-
ing he asked her to part his back-hair; thea the bent sapling of her
spirit flew up and hit him in the face. She gathered up some French
novels, and retired to a lonely tower to breathe out her s-)ul in un-
One day she saw below her in the forest a dear gazelle, gladding
her with its soft blick eye. She leaned out of the window, and said
Seat! The animal did not move. Then she waved her arms-above
described-and said Shew This time he did not move as much as
he did before. SIMenELLA decided he mu-t have a bill against her; so
she closed her shutters, drew down the blind, and pinned the curtains
together. A moment later she opened them and peepcol out. Then
she went down to examine his collar, that she might ord r mne
When the gazelle saw StuMRELtA approach he arose, and, beckoning
with his tail; made off slowly into the wood. Then SMIPRELLA per-
ceived this was a supernatural gazelle -a variety now extinct, but
which then pervaded the Schwarzwald in considerable quantity-sent
by some good magician who owed the giant a grudge, to pilot her out
of the forest. Nothing could exceed her joy at this disg very; she
whistled a dirge, sang a Latin hymn, and preached a funeral discourse
all in a breath. Such were the artless methods by which the full
heart in the fifteenth-eentury was compelled to express its. gratitude
for benefits; the advertising columns of the daily papers were not
then open to the benefactor's pen.
All would now have been well, but for the fact that' it'was not. In
following her deliverer, SIMPas rA observed that his. golden collar
was inscribed with the mystic words-IIANDS OFF! She tried hard to
obey the injunction; she did her level best; she-but why amplify ?
SIMPRELLA was a womin.
No sooner had her fingers- touched the slender chain depending
from the magic collar, than the poor animal's eyes emitted twin-tears,
which coursed silently but firmly down his nose, vacating it more in
sorrow than in anger.
Then he looked up re-
---- ," I proachfully intoher face.
Thcise-were bis. first tears
-this was his last look.
In, two minutes by the
watch he was blind as a
There is but little
mare to tell. The giant
ate himself to death;
the.ca'tle mouldered and
crumbled into pig-pens;
empires rose and fell;
kings ascended their
thrones, and got down
again; mountains grew
grey, and rivers bhld-
headed; suits in chancery
N'4 were brought and de-
cided, and those from the
tailor were paid for; the
ages came, like mothers-
in- law, uninvited, and
lingered till they became
a bore and still Sie-
PRELLA, with the ma-
gician's curse upon h r,
conducted the sightless
guide through the inter-
minable wilderness !
To all others the
labyrinth had yielded up
its clew. The hunter
threaded its maze; the
woodman plunged confi-
4h ,'1' 'dently into its inner-
most depths; the peasant
,,,. 2':.2 b-'- child gathered ferns un-
scared in its sunless dells.
But often the child aban-
doned his botany in terror, the woodmen bolted for home, and the
hunter's heart went down into his boots, at the sight of a fair young
spectre leading a blind phantom through the silent glades. I sawv
them there in 1860, while I was gunning. I shot them.
Wa learn a cuiious fact from a paragraph in that excellent journal
The Garden. It mentions that the Manx fern is Adiantumn Cfilhus
reneMis; in other words that maiden-hair grows on Min. Tais may
account for JULIA PAsreNbA. Bet then on the otherhand it may not.
At any sate it will furnish SMrwIT with a botanical excuse the next
time M is. S. (whose tresses are sable) discovers a long golden hair on
the shoulder of his coat.
Not a drop to drink.
WE have observed a notice posted on more than one drinking foun-
tain. "Closed for the Winter." The managers of these useful elections
are evidently sensible members of The Alliance-the alliance," we
mean, of water, and what the poor man's pocket will "run to,"
when there's no "BaRUc's Act" in the way.
[FEBRUARY 1, 1873.
"MAIR'S THE WONDER!"
First Farrier :-" MANE STANDS STEADY TO-DAY, DON'T SHE, JIM ? "
Second Ditto :-" Aw, DON'T TER SEE, SHE'S LOOKG-NG AT THE 'NOUNCEMENTS O' CORN PLASTERS AND THOELEY'S CONDIMENT ? "
MY FIRST MURDER,.
A CONFESSION OF JUVENILE DEPRAVITY.
LoOKING back through the dim vista of years, it seems almost an
age since the idea of murdering my grandmother first entered my
thoughts It seems an age, yet am I still young. Ay, and strong, too
-not yet in the prime and vigour of manhood, but a murderer,
doomed perhaps to die a disgraceful and violent death. But, no
matter! To my story.
I must have been about four years old, when I first conceived the
ruthless design so recently put in execution. Of my parents, I need
say but little; they were po(.r but honest, and were visited periodically
by my grandmother on the maternal side. I believe my first objec-
tion to this relative was caused by her intense desire to induct me into
the mysteries of the multiplication table; an objection strengthened by
her notion that physic of the most nauseous description was essentially
and eternally necessary to the development of the juvenile constitu-
tion. These were not alone the reasons of my detestation for this
stalwart old lady. I was always a groo son, whatever I may have
been as a grandson ; ar d therefore I considered it incumbent upon me
to hate and get rid of my father's mother-in-law as eirly and as
cheaply as p' ssible.
The story of my guilt would be too long were I to enter fully into
particulars. For years my efforts were futile. The ritsBane
sandwiches were eaten by my little brother, who smiled o- me, bless
him! in his dying convulsions my father broke his legs over the
barricade I had prepared for his enemy on the stairs; it was my p'or
dear mother who fell through the coal grating which I had left
unfastened for the lady who did not fall; and so I saw all my earliest
attempts at distinction fail, and as I grew towards maturity, found my
grandmother more flourishing and more enamoured of the multiplica-
tion table and the medicine chest than ever. But listen.
A few weeks ago I went-my father and mother having both
succumbed to my attempts 3n the old lady-to spend the holidays
with the object of my hatred; and it was not long before opportunity
offered for the good deed so long premeditated. For ten days I carefully
concealed the physic she served out every night for my consumption-
hoarded it as a miser hoards his gold-and now I am relied. I put
it and all the rest I could find-all marked poison "- in her beer last
n'ght; and here, as I write this confession, am I waiting for the scene
that must ensue when the domestics enter her bedroom. And I am at
last a murderer. But what of that ? There is no fear, at all events so
-far as the police are concerned, for I am too young and too respectable
to be suspected. Rejoice with me then, good readers, for I am emanci-
[I reopen this to say that my grandmother is not even a little bit
dead, and that I am as far away from the object of my ambition as
ever. This is the result of my relative's recent conversion to Homoeo-
pathy. Fellow grandsons, let this be a warning to you. Either be
satisfied with existing arrangements, or insist on your grandmothers'
sticking to the Allopathic system.]
THE BEST OF PEEr SHows.-Spring buds.
1 "~} (~ ~
FLING AWAY AMBITION."
Shade of Napoleon I. :-" AH, YOUNG NUMBER FOUR!-OUR RACE HAS HITHERTO USED BRITISH SOIL TO DIE UPON-
I ADVISE YO U TO LIVE UPON IT!"
TA'___T .-FEiDR-uAr.Y 1, 1873
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
TRANSLATED FROM THE PEBSIAN BY DOD GRIEB.
'I say, you! bawled a fat ox in a stall to a lusty young ass who
was braying outside; "the like of that is not in good taste!"
"In whose good taste, my adipose censor ? inquired the ass, not
"'Why h'm-ah! I mean it does not suit me. You ought to
May I inquire how it happens to be any of your business whether
I bellow or bray; or do both- or neither ? "
"-I cannot tell you," answered the critic, shaking his head despond-
ingly ; "I do not at all understand it. I can only say that I have
been accustomed to censure all discourse that differs from my own."
"Exactly," said the ass; "you have sought to make an art of imper-
tinence by mistaking preferences for principles. In taste' you have
invented a word incapable of definition, to denote-an idea impossible
of expression; and by employing in connexion therewith the words
' good and bad,' you indicate a merely subjective process in terms
of an objective quality. Such presumption transcends the limit of the
merely impudent, and passes into the boundless empyrean of pure
At the close of this remarkable harangue, the bovine critic was at a;
loss for language to express his disapproval. So he said.the speech
was in bad taste.
"It is very difficult getting on in the world," sighed a weary snail ;
" very difficult indeed with such high rents!"
You don't mean to say you pay anything for that old rookery I"
said a slug, who was characteristically insinuating himself between the
stems of the celery intended for dinner. "A miserable old shanty like
that, without stables, grounds,. or any modern conveniences!"
"Pay !" said the snail, contemptuously; -" I'd like to see you get a
semi-detached villa like this at a nominal rate! "
"Why don't you let your upper apartments to a respectable single
party ?" urged the slug. .
The answer is not recorded.
A hare, pursued by a dog, sought sanctuary in the den of a wolf.
It being after business hours, the latter was at home to him.
"Ah!" panted the hare; "how very fortunate! I feel quite safe
here; for you dislike dogs quite as much as I do."
"Your security, my small friend," replied the wolf, "depends, noti
upon those points in which you and 1 agree, but upon those in which
I and the dog differ."
Then you mean to eat me ?" inquired the timorous puss.
"No-o-o," drawled the wolf, reflectively, "I should not like to
promise that; I mean to eat a part of you. There may be a tuft of
fur, and a toe-nail or two, left for you to go on with. I am hungry,
but I am not hoggish."
The distinction is too fine for me," said:the hare, scratching her
"That, my friend, is because you have not made a practice of;
hare-splitting. I have."
A bloated toad, studded with dermal excreseences,-was boasting that
she was the wartiest creature alive.
Perhaps you are," said her auditor, emerging from.the soil; "but
it is a barren and superficial honour. Look at me, I am one solid
The lesson of this narrative is too obvious to require statement.
Oyster at home ?" inquired a monkey, rapping at the closed shell.
Therewas no reply. Dropping the knocker, he laid hold of the bell-
handle,.ringing a loud peal, but without effect.
"Hum, hum!" he mused, with a look of disappointment, "gone to
the sea-side, I suppose."
So he turned away, thinking he would call again later in the
season; but he had not proceeded far before he conceived a brilliant
idea. Perhaps there had been a suicide Or a murder! He would
go back and force the door. By way of doing so he obtained a large
stone, and smashed in the roof. There.had been no murder to justify
such audacity; so he committed one.
The funeral was gorgeous. There were mute oysters with wands,
drunken oysters with scarves and hat-bands, a sable hearse with hearth-
dusters on it, a swindling undertaker's bill, and all the accessories of
a first-rate church-yard circus-every thing necessary but the corpse.
That-had.been disposed of by the monkey, and the undertaker meanly
withheld the use of his own.
MonAL.-A lamb foaled in March makes the best pork when his
horns have attained the length of an inch.
THE SOLDIER OF THE LANDWEHR.
I HAVE tasted every pleasure,
I have sipped of every spring,
But the foamy-headed measure
D;es o'er all a shadow fling.
Fondly, too, I love tobacco,
And where'er we worship Mars,
I ever fill my shako
With the enemy's cigars.
Clouds of pale blue smoke protect us;
Thus no faces our ranks behold;
Fast they fly; for they connect us
With the Israelites of old.
When the shades of evening thicken,
I beside the watch-fire sit;
On my bayonet turns a chicken;
Gallic fowl; Teutonic spit.
I ve not written to my mother,
I remember, for a week;
Write to her, and to another
Whom I dearly love, in Greek;
Geist 'twas made me be her suer,
Though her eyes so brightly shine
Through her glasses, which are bluer,
By a shade or two, than mine.
'Geist shall give the Germanimoney,
Shall enable him to dance
Through that land of milk and honey,
Called by Frenchmen, "LaLBelle'France."
Geist shall aid him in the battle,
Where his foes before him fall,
And shall give to him the cattle,
Fatten'd for him by the Gaul.
We rejoiced while we were staining
All the Moselle with our blood,
'For we knew we were regaining
Our Pactolus' golden mud.
Little care we for the glory;
Lightly hold the cheap renown
Of the minstrel's idle story-
We prefer the conquer'd town;
We :prefer the yearly ransom,
And we think a strict police,
Than all treaties, proves more handsome
To preserve the bonds of peace.
Then, again fill up the beaker,
Let it brim with foreign wine;
Fill again, for this is weaker
Than the vintage of the Rhine !
THE enthusiastic professor of mnemonics; who boasted that to him
" Slap bang, here we are again!" contained the elements of every
noble sentiment worth remembering, has been completely outdone, as
in two syllables an unfortunate coloured individual" named SAMUEL
SAM, has, if we read our newspaper azight, reached the deepest depths
of moral degradation. MR. SAM having been charged at Middlesex
Sessions with being an incorrigible rogue and vagabond,
Mark Walsh, a Mendicity Society's officer, said, 'between rone and two on the
afternoon of the 7th of January he was in Theobald'e-road, and.he saw the prisoner
begging. He said, Chumbum, chunibum," and was a professional beggar.
This confession of deep-dyed guilt-in future we shall remember
" chumbum "- seems to have had an effect in accordance with its
importance, for the judge sentenced SAMUEL SAM to be imprisoned and
kept.to hard labour for twelve months. Chumbum evidently does
not mean a man and a brother.
THE building wherein the Boston Musical Festival was :held has
been sold for a handsome sum-for firewood. Perchance there is yet
a useful future in store- for the Albert Hall.
A NEW act on "l1eairg shops" has lately come into force,-there
has leng been a law on iterirg mercantile establishments-caveat
FEBRVUAY 1, 1873.]
[Fj iRnu.i 1, 1873.
TO THE ACT.
and there wts an excited twinkle in his eye.
on that twinkle.
increased. 6 and 7. But constables W. and P. had made their plans.
9 and 10. This excited eye," said the magistrate, tells its own story!"
11. Three times that year dil Jinks attempt to get married. 12. Aud always with the same result. 13. Re is now looked upon as an habitual drunkard.
14. He says he'll do 'em yet! But, of course, Jane won't have him now.
FauBVAr 1, 1873.]
THE LAND OF ONETY-ONE.
FnoM Turvey-top harbour 'tis easy to run
To the wonderful island of Onety-one,
With its daily weeks and its weekly months,
And its singular people the Onety-oneths.
That One is one, and that nothing is nought,"
Is the primitive creed the people are taught,
And Nature and Art, Faith, Science and Fun,
Go to hallow the mystical Number One.
Each one his one function in Onety-one knows,
And so for his proper vocation he grows:
He has only a mouth who lives merely to eat,
And professional walkers are nothing but feet!
The toilers and oilers and tillers of lands,
Are.what they are called : they are literal hands,"
And those who do nothing but work supervise,
And live on its fruits, are but pockets and eyes,
Each statesman of rank has a couple of faces :
The lawyers are bills,, made to fit. into cases,
And people of high descent, say from the flood,
Like over-fed leeches are-nothing but blood. *
A parson's all tongue, ever wagging to please,
A quack, thumb and finger for pulses and fees,
While soldiers, a maimed, lamed and scarified lot,
Are the refuse of men, good enough to be shot.
For the ladies, each one has a singular charm,
Fine eyes, a ripe lip, or a smoothly turned arm,
And a score of them laughingly tell you, "Batween us
We manage to club up a passable Venus."
The country is laid out with consummate care ;
The mountains are cubes, and each meadow's a square:
A tree is a fruit, and crops solidly sway,
And the scenery's "set" like~the scenes in a play.
The meat is all prime, nice to carve and to swallow,
A sheep's chop-and-chop," always ready to follow,"
The oxen are square-mere. animal cakes-
Compacted of juicy, enjoyable steaks.
The game hunts itself to get flavour : au reste,
The ducks are all leg, and the chickens all breast,
While the lakes and the ponds, all so creamy and wavy,
Are simply tureens holding ready-made gravy.
On its natural sauce each animal's fed,
The lamb on its mint and the pheasant its bread,
And as for the stuffing, why, simply enough
To fit it for table is deemed quantum suf.
Thus void of complexity, Nature and Art
To this island their simplified favours impart,
Life's game's single wicket; or say at Life's club
'Tis a single, no double, and never a rub.
Reduced to their elements, all things go well,
No conflicts of passions, no feelings to quell,
In smiles a hyena: in weeping an onion,
Just one per se one, is the true Onety-one-ian.
THE son who, on being taken into partnership, proposed that the
firm should be henceforward called Wilkins and Father, would
have been valued at his just rate by the originators of the following
TANTED, by the parents of a Young Gentleman, a SITUATION in the whole-
sale wine and spirit trade as an improver.
Why the possession of a young gentleman should be regarded as a
recommendation in the wine and spirit trade we can't understand,
any more than we can discover why two persons want one situation.
Still, the application shows what a blessing it is to be a good son-to
the son. He may be able to recommend his parents to good honest
labour, when the fathers and mothers of bad sons are driven to the
IT appears that the Home Secretary authorises the use of salt to the
extent of 50 grains per gallon in brewing. Hitherto we have looked
upon our glass of Burton without suspicion, henceforth we must take
The Stupid World.
COUGH lozenges may be procured from any chemist :-Anti-cough
preparations we never meet with.
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
MR. E. P. HINGSTON deserves well of all critical playgoers for his
reproduction at the Opera Comique of The Ladies' Battle, one of the
earliest and best dramatic efforts of MR. CHARLES READE. Though
the piece is but an adaptation from one of SCRIBE'S plays, the language
is so thoroughly English, and so full of point, that we wish some more
adapters like MR. READE would preserve us from the present race of
original writers for the stage. Miss ELEANOR BurTON, who played
the Countess with great force and spirit, was on the first night
enthusiastically received, and Ma. DAVID FisHER, as Gustave de
Grignon, was very successful, and called down roars of laughter. The
other parts, though carefully played, require no special mention. Al-
though L' (Eil Crevi still runs merrily, MA. HINGSTON announces, as in
active preparation, a new opera bouffe, in which ME. GEORGE HONEY
will make his appearance.
The Surrey Theatre seems, for the time being, at all event', to have
mastered the terrible difficulty of attracting audiences which attended
so long upon the efforts of its various managers, and nightly all parts
of the house are filled with spectators who take deep interest in the
pantomime, and laugh long and loudly at the tricks played on respect-
able tradesmen and active and intelligent officers by clown and
pantaloon. Miss VIRGINIA BLACKWOOD, who is:fast becoming a great
transpontine favourite, plays one of the principal characters in the
opening of the piece, which is named Ye Fair O e with ye Golden Loeks,
and receives able assistance from a well selected company. The
transformation scene is an undoubted triumph of tinsel and limelight,
the silver-clad amazons and army of children are really effective, the
ballet is excellent, and the whole of the arrangements shows that the
present management is equal to even the exhaustive demands of
traditional Surrey pantomime.
The Grecian, in the City-road, though.not by any means in the
suburbs-as was stated recently by an ingenious critic who had
evidently forgotten to pay a visit to the theatre before writing his
notice-is, from its very central position, distinct from houses in the
east and west of the metropolis, and may fairly be considered unique
-not more unique in situation, though, than it is in its programme.
With the upward growth of the theatrical demand, the proprietors of
the Grecian have not been unmindful of the ancient fame of the Eagle
-or "the Bird," as the establishment is irreverently .termed in its
immediate neighbourhood; and if the pleasure seeker has a soul above
pantomime, he can dispoit himself, licencing magistrates and weather
permitting, on the monster platform, or feast his e irs and his stomach
with comic song and alcoholic stimulant in the music hall. At least
as unique as its surroundings is the ability of MR. GEORGE CONQUEST,
the proprietor, which finds plenty of occupation. This gentleman is
the writer of, and principal character in, the pantomime, as well as, if
rumour speaks truth, its scene-painter; and it is a moot point which of
his flights, that from trap to trapeze, or that in the realms of poetry,
is most desperate. For ourselves we should be inclined to divide the
palm between them, as if one is likely to imperil the limbs, the other
threatens the tongue with dislocation. Nix, the Demon Dwarf, affords
intense amusement to an audience critical in its relish for popular airs
and its enjoyment of popular allusions; and the Grecian well deserves
a visit, not only on account of its peculiar performances, but as a
study of excellent management in every department.
iUszbxsz to SCuaxzps lis,
[ We cannot return unaccepted XiSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
CuO BONO.-Well, we are in favour of Polar expeditions-if only on
account of their antiquity. The animals that sailed with Noah and paid
no passage-money were the first ark-tick voyagers.
W. G. (Netting Hill).-There are two solutions to that old puzzle you
Sisters and brothers have I none,
But that man's father was my father's son.
One solution is that the portrait is that of the speaker's son. Tihe
other is that it represents the grandfather's maternal seventy-fifth cousin
twice removed, by the nephew's aunt's mother-in-law by marriage. We
may add that both these solutions can't be right-take your choice.
HAROLD.-The orthography is all right. It is the syntax which is
J. F. Q. (Berks).-The incident has been noted before.
Declined with thanks :-W. H. H.; G., Adam-street; Vilikins; F. J. P.
Southampton; 2W. J., Billingborough; Joseph, Jun.; B. F.; J. E. D.
Borough; A. H. B., Southampton; D. N. T., Strand; D. S. 51.; Do S.'
Islington ; B., Newcastle-on-Tyne ; E. D. S., Crosby-square; Mississippi
VW. A., Holloway; E. L. S., Hammersmith; Noodle; W. E. B., Bath-place
D., Stubbers; C. C., Bradford; W., Kingsland; Tim Bobbin; R. S. V. P.
TI., Liverpool; Grim Goblin; D. It. E.; Yank; W. E. A., Leeds: S:
Dalston; S. L., Old Bailey; Woffls ; W. W.; Dad, Darlington; II. A. U1..,
56 IFU IIN. [FEB uAi Y 1. 1873.
Fair Fare:-" YOUR FARE IS EIGHTEEN-PENCE, I THINK-IT'S EXACTLY THREE MILES !"
Cabby :-" Your HUSBAND'S A LUCKY MAN-BLOWED IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LAY OUT YER MONEY !
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES. A very improbable Rumour.
ExPLOSION of Gun-cotton near Wick. No! it didait catch light MR. MIALL has commenced a series of lectures on "Religious
from the wick, it was being used as a charge in the quarries, and was Equality," which he defines as "a clear stage" (for the battle of one
over-driven. S. for the P. of C. to A. please note. The merciful denomination against another) and no favour." We believe that
quarryman is merciful to his blast. MESSRS. ease and W LL there is no truth whatever in the rumour that the same gentleman is
fined a hundred pounds a-piece for contempt of court. That sentiment contemplating a further course of lectures on Religious Fraternity."
is clearly an expensive luxury. In future, we shall feel it better than
we express it. = One slice of frost between two weeks of wet. This Love and Li(c)king.
weather would seem less applicable to the British than to the Sandwich A old saw beaches that love may become too "warm "
Isles. == Ihe Pal' Mall and Saturday have a scrimmage over FOUDE.
Both affected classical knowledge, and both were wrong. Why don't A woman, a spaniel, and a walnut tree,
they stick to Bi'lingsgate ? Tney do it so much better. = DUKE of The more you beat them, the better they be.
Buc::I' -OAM on Education. Bosh! So much for Buckingham! = In the present day wife-beaters give evidence that their better halves
At a meet of his bounds LOPD FITZWILLIAM addressed the field, and are truly en-hammered of them!
said the farmers c-mplained of wilful damage to crops, instancing a
case where turnips had been used inasnowballing match. We thought Direct from the Gridiron.
Ireland was the only place where people could be snowballed with MAN has been defined to be-a cooking animal;-so is a monkey,
turnips. Several drunken fools denounce themselves as the Coram we have seen a steak done to a turn by a griler (ape-y thought,
Street murderer. We're for hanging a few of them to encourage the gor e, illa.)
others. = Great critical excitement over the fact that BYRON ungram-
matically wrote there let him lay." We don't mind his laying, but
we object to the cackling of ganders over the production. = Mr. Will it wash?
LowE thinks it u-advisable to send a government expedition to the AN item of Capetown news reports the discovery of another gold
North Pole this y-ar. Thinks it probable Government may have to reef at Pretoris. That reef, we predict, will very speedidly be
go to another sort of poll. taken in.
THIS CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE HAD FROM ALL AT
WINE MERCHANTS U F LONDON ADDRESS,
LONDON AD COUNTRY. U I 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
36s. Carte Blanche, Extra Quality dy. GT. TOWER STREET,
PER DOZEN QUARTS. E.C.
Printed by JUDD & CO., P'anix Warbs, t. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, February 1,1873,
FEBRUARY 8, 1873.]
A TELLURIC TIP.
THE great minds which can calculate
the largest circulation in the .world, but
which were unable to tell how old the
PRINCE OF WALES was on his thirty-first
birthday, have again shown their con-
tempt for small figures. Of three notices
which appear in one edition of the D. T.
of the death of PaorEsSOR SEDGWICK, one
says he died in his eighty-sixth year,
another that he died in the eighty-sixth
year of his age. and the third that he
had attained the age of eighty-seven.
We presume, subject of course to correc-
tion consequent upon an ignorance of
telegraphic language, that the two first
statements mean the same thing ; that is,
it is two to one that the PROFESSOR was
not eighty-six, and in consequence any
odds he was not eighty-seven. Perhaps
the Telegraph reckons "age" to com-
mence some time after birth, which is
only fair, for if we are to believe what
we are often told, that age and wisdom
are exchangeable terms, some journalists
of our acquaintance have not even reached
the first year of their age, no matter how
old they may be, counting from birth-
WE understand that the spread of
Prussian military principles in the army
is so decided, that the guard which nightly
goes to defend the Bank of England
always marches to the tune of "The
Watch on the Rhine-o."
THE CONTROLLER GENERAL.-Cupid.
APPRECIATING THE POSITION.
Conductor :-" HERE YOU ARE, SIR "
Driver:-" Or COURSE HE KNOWS HE IS, AND WISHES HE WASN'T."
THE FABLES OF ZAMBERI, THE PARSEE.
'RANSIATED FROM THE PERSIAN BY DOD GRILE.
"Pray walk into my parlour," said the spider to the fly.
"That is not q iite original," the latter made reply.
If that's the way you plagiarize, your fame will be a fib-
But I'll walk into your parlour while I pitch into your crib.
But before I cross your threshold, sir, if I may make so free,
Pray let me introduce to you my friend, the wicked flea.' "
"How do you F says the spider, as his welcome he extends ;
How doth the busy little bee,' and all our other friends ? "
Quite well, I think, and quite unchanged," the flea said, though
In certain quarters well-informed, 'tis feared the worm will turn.'"
"Humph! said the fly ; "I do not understand this talk-not I. "
"It is classical allusion,' said the spider to the fly.
A polar bear navigating the midsea, upon the mortal part of a late
lamented walrus, soliloquized, in substance, as follows :
"Such liberty of action as I am afflicted with is enough to em-
barrass any bear that ever bore. I can remain passive and starve, or
I can devour my ship and drown. I am really unable to decide."
So he sat down to think it over. He considered the question in all
its aspects until he grew qui:e thin; turned it over and over in his
mind Lntil he was too weak to sit up; meditated upon it with a con-
stantly decreasing pulse, a rapidly failing respiration. But he could
not mrke up his mind, and finally expired without having come to a
It appears to me he might almost as well have chosen starvation,
at a venture.
A sword-fish having penetrated seven or eight feet into the bottom
of a ship, under the impression that he was quarrelling with a whale,
was unable to draw out of the fight. The sailors annoyed him a good
deal by pounding with handspikes upon that portion of his horn inside,
but he bore it as bravely as he could, putting the best possible face
upon the matter, until he saw a shark swimming by, of whom he
inquired the probable destination of the chip.
"' Italy, I think," said the other, grinning; "I have private reasons
for believing her cargo consists mainly of consumptives."
"Ah! exclaimed the captive, "Italy, delightful clime of the
cerulean orange-the rosy olive! Land of the night-blooming Jesuit,
and the fragrant lazzarone It would be heavenly to run down gondolas
in the streets of Venice! I must go to Italy."
"Indeed you must," said the shark, darting suddenly aft, where he
had caught the gleam of shotted canvas through the blue waters.
But it was fated to be otherwise: some days afterwards the ship and
fish passed over a sunken rock which almost grazed the keel. Then
the two parted company with mutual expressions of tender regard, and
a report which could be traced by those on board to no trustworthy
The foregoing fable shows that a man of good behaviour need not
care for money; and vice versa.
"It is a waste of valour for us to do battle," said a lame ostrich to
a negro who had suddenly come upon her in the desert, "let us cast
lots to see who shall ba considered the victor, and then go about our
To this proposition the negro readily assented. They cast lots : the
negro cast lots of stones, and the ostrich cast lots of feathers. Then
the former went about his business, which consisted in skinning the
MoRAL.-There is nothing like the arbitrament of chance. That
form of it known as t ite-bi-joorie is perhaps as good as any.
A facetious old cat seeing her kitten sleeping in a bath tub, went
down into the cellar and turned on the hot water. (For the
convenience of the bathers, the bath was arranged in that way; you
had to undress, and then go down to the cellar to let on the wet. ) No
sooner did the kitten remark the unfamiliar sensation than he
departed thence with a willingness quite creditab'e in one who was
not a professional acrobat, and met his mother on the kitchen stairs.
Aha my steaming hearty," cried the elder grimalkin; I coveted
you that time I saw the cook put you in the dinner-pot. If I have a
weakness it is hare-hare nicely dressed, and partially boiled."
Whereup n she made a banquet of her suffering offspring.*
Adversity works a stupendous change in tender youth; many a
young man is never recognized by his parents after having been in
Here should have followed the appropriate and obvious classical allusion. It is
known our fabulist was classically educated. Why, then, this diegracefulomission?
58 F UI SN LFEERUARY 8, 1873.
TFUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 5, 1873.
A NOBLE MISSION.
BRITANNTA treads the shore, where in the bay,
Fal ely secure, the hapless NAorthfleet lay,
When the destroying bark her timbers clave,
And drove her deep beneath the sullen wave.
Above, a dull expanse of cold grey sky ;
Below, grey waves, o'er which harsh sea-birds fly.
No longer mine," she cried, the ancient boast
Of wooden walls to guard my happy cast,
Of the supremacy in days of yore
My gallant fleets upon the waters bore !
No longer mine to rule the impatient waves,
To awe the tyrants, and set free the slaves,
And homage claim, where'er my flag should fly,
Or swelling sails show white against the sky "
She spoke, and wept, while-sign of lost command-
The trident trembled in her failing hand.
Not so, BRITANNIA ;- scarce the tidings di ead
By lightning-whisper through the land had spread,
When the good QUEEN, who graces England's throne,
Made all her subjects' sympathies her own,
And, while for present need prompt aid she dealt,
Expressed the sorrow that her people felt;
Then Wealth, and Rank, Obscurity, and Need,
Joining to emulate ihe gracious deed,
Gave all they might to succour sore distress,
And aid the widow and the fatherless.
Then weep no longer, dearest land of lands,
The home of kiLdly hearts and ready hands ;
Your aid shall raise each mourner's drooping head,
You can do all, save give them back the dead ;
Their grief and loss beyond your comfort are-
(When God e'en heals the wound, he leaves the scar);
But of your riches do you freely give,
And smooth life's bitter path for those who live.
Nor yet lament your empire of the flood,
Your laurels purpled with your heroes' blood ;
Nor deem your cannot boast such seamen now
As fought with NELsoN, COLLINGWOOD, and HowE -
That very misadventure which you weep
But serves the record pure and bright to keep.
Thous h foes environ her on every hand,
No fate ean crush, no chains enslave, the land
Whose sons inherit from the dauntless soul,
Who dare like STANLEY, and who die like KNOWLES.
ALMOST all of us, it is sad to think, know the house where some
loved sufferer awaits the slow but sure coming of the angel who brings
rest for the dead, and anguish for the living; the house where only
the dying seems to live, and the living seem to die by inches. Then
God's time comes, and "the rest is silence "-until some helpful lov-
ing friend arrives to make for the bereaved all those bitter arrange-
ments, whose everyday character jars on the recent wound. The
needful announcement is painfully penned for the papers, and in a
few posts the sadly welcome, and sorrowfully perused condolences of
fhiends-even of strangers- arrive. But the postman brings other
missives- foremost and worst among them, a postal card from The
Echo, to point out how advantageous it is to advertise your dead in its
columns, at twenty words a shilling, prepaid."
We have to thank the pious proprietors of the journal in question
for one thing at least. By the intrusion of advertisement-hawking on
the sacred silence of the house of death, they have inspired us with an
indignation, which, driving us to the pen, has done something to break
the stupor of a recent loss.
YET another act in the great sensation Tichborne drama, which will
perhaps be remembered when its original cause is forgotten. The
majesty of the law which had roused itself into action could hardly be
expected to remain quiescent when that very action was challenged,
and the most disgraceful motives openly associated with it by a gentle.
men who holds at once the position of landed proprietor and barrister-
at-law. We can afford to laugh at the absurd statements made with
regard tonewspaper editors and cheques for 500, butit would havebeen
sad indeed bad the ignorant and credulous been allowed longer to believe
in the violent and evmn criminal assertions of MR. SKIPWORTH, or to
continue regarding him as a Heaven-sent champion of the Claimant.
The defiances of MR. GLADsToNE and vituperations of the Attorney-
General, though entertaining to those who knew their real worth, were
accepted with grave seriousness by many, and it was high time that
outraged justice should make itself manifest. This has now been
done so well and so effectually, that until the time set for the trial at
bar, we are unlikely to hear anything more of the Claimant or his
injudicious friends, and we have only now to regret that any oppor-
tunity was ever given for the colourable statements made at the
recent theatrical exhibitions. We may at the same time remark that
we should have thought MR. WHAI LEY had in his own person received
sufficientinstruction as to the procedure at Westminster, and that he
hardly required anyone to watch" the SKIrwoRTi case for him.
BATES ON BRITAIN.
Sergeant Bates's March from Gretna Green to the Guildhall (ROUTLEDGE
AND SoNs, Broadway) is a book we heartily recommend to our readers,
no less on account of its intrinsic merit than because the profits of the
sale are to go to the Orphan Asylum. Henceforth rival publishers
must not boast of introducing great American humourists to the
British public, for MEssRs. ROUILEDGE have introduced the greatest in
SERGEANT BATES. Nature in a difficulty in which she is described to
have found herself when called on for a third great poet, in order to
produce this great humourist-in short,
To make a third, she joined the other two
SERGEANT BATES combines the qualities of ARTEM US WARD and MAUi
TWAIN. ARTEMes used to introduce his humorous bits with en affecta-
tion of innocence, and of lack of intention, while MAxK gives his with
an assumption of gravity and profundity. SERGEANT BATES alternates
the guilelessness of the former with the solemnity of the latter; and the
effect is immense. Our only fear is that at times the ordinary reader
will take him au piedde la hlttre, and not suspect him to be a
humourist. For instance, when he quietly relates how during one
portion of his journey he was taken for the agent in advance of an
American Circus, few people will detect the chuckle concealed beneath
the chevrons on his sleeve; and when he quotes in full the touching
letter of MR. BaUNTON, "the well-known caricaturist," there are some
who may not be aware that the sympathetic tears in his eyes are due
to suppressed spasm of the diaphragm. We think we detect a tumour
in the cheek, symptomatic of a tongue thrust in that locality when he
talks about the good his walk was to effect for the two countries; and
there is a little too evident design to chaff in the chapter wherein
appear selections from his correspondence, including a brief but com-
prehensive epistle from the Royal Court Tailor." But for this occa-
sional gleam of pleasantry the Sergeant seems to record interviews and
incidents accurately and conscientiously. He gives a very comic
account of a visit to MR. SPURGEON, who was hind enough to say he
did not resemble ALEXANDER THE GREAT-which we think is extremely
likely, though hwe never saw the latter gentleman. Ma. SPURGEON
also presented the Sergeant with two books, Morning by Morning and
Evening by Evening. In one of them he. recorded that he gave it with
his Christian regards" to the Sergeant, in the other that he did so
with his sincere regards." Does MR. SPURGEON mean that his
sincere regards are not Christian, or that his Christian regards are not
sincere ? SERGEANT BATES does not attempt to answer the conundrum,
but glides gently into a mention of the Moore and Burgess Minstrels,
who never perform out of London. We again commend the Sergeant's
book to our readers, who will get amusement and at times a hearty
laugh out of it.
THE Echo favours its readers with the following calculation,"
made by a contributor to one of the Paris papers:-
Date of the late Emperor Napoleon's Birth............ 1808 ...... 17
,, Coup d'etat ..... ........................... 1851 ...... 15
Proclaimed Emperor ............................................ !852 ...... 16
D ethroned .................... ...................................... 1870 ...... 16
His exact age." .. ................................. 64
Curiously enough adds the Echo, with charming naivete if the
figures are added vertically the same result is obtained, thus:-
1 8 0 8
1 8 5 1
1 8 5 2
1 8 7 0
4 32 17 11 (Presto!) 64
We sadly fear that in this matter of "simple addition our evening
contemporary has been had."-Echo !-please don't repeat.
AT a time when Russia's suspicious movements in Asia threaten the
continuance of peace, we cannot but admire the coolness with which
ADMIRAL POPOFF pops in, to survey The Devastation in the gentle
capacity of Constructor of the Russian navy. The coolness of Russia
is proverbial, and we think England might have given a little congenial
chill to this impudent attempt to spy into our defences.
FEBRUARY 8, 1873.]
IN the city of Algammon resided the ParIcE CHAMPON, who was
madly enamoured of the LADY CAPILLA. She returned his affection-
In the matter of back hair the LADY CAPILLA was blessed even beyond
her deserts. Her natural pig-tail was so intolerably long that she
employed two pages to look after it when she walked out ; the one a
few yards behind her, the other at the extreme end of the line. Their
names were DAN and BEERSHEBA, respectively.
Aside from salaries to these dependents, and quite apart from the
consideration of macassar, the possession of all this animal filament
was financially unprofitable; the hair market was buoyant, and hers
represented a large amount of idle capital. And it was otherwise a
source of annoyance and irritation; for all the young men of the city
were hotly in love with her, and skirmishing for a lovelock. They
seldom troubled DAN much, but the outlying BEERSHEBSA had an ani-
mated time of it. He was
subject to constant raids,
and was always in a
The picture I have
drawn to illustrate this
history shows nothing of
all these squabbles. My
pen revels in the battle's
din, but my peaceful pen-
cil loves to depict the
scenes I know something
Although the LADY
CAIaLA was unwilling to
reciprocate the passion of
CHAMiPON the man, she
was not averse to quiet
interviews with CHAMPOx
the PaINCE. In the
course of one of these (see
my picture) as she sat
listening to his carefully-
rehearsed and really ar-
tistic avowals, with her
tail hanging out of the
window, she suddenly in- m f i
"Mv dear PirNce," t-fc
said The, "it is Pil non-
sense. you know, to ask
for may heart, Ibut I am
not-mean ; you shall have
the PdINCE, i "that I
accept a single jewel from
that glorious crown? FI
love this hair of yours
very dearly, I admit, but
only because of its connection with your divine head. Sever that
connection and I should value it no more than I would a tail
plucked from its native cow."
This comparison seems to me a very fine one, but tastes differ, and
to the LADY CAPILLA it seemed quite the reverse. Rising indignantly,
she marched away, her queue running in through the window and
gradually tapering off the interview, as it were. PRINCE CHAMPON saw
that he had missed his opportunity, and resolved to repair his error.
Straightway he forged an order on BEERSHEBA for thirty yards of
lovelock. To sexve this writ he sent his business partner; for the
PiNxcE was wont to beguile his dragging leisure by tonsorial diversions
in an obscure quarter of the town. At first BEERSHEBA was scepti-
cal, but when he saw the genuine writing in real ink, his scruples
vanished, and he chopped off the amount of souvenir demanded.
Now CHAMPrON'S partner was the Court barber; and by the use of
a peculiar hair oil which the two of them had concocted, they soon
managed to balden the pates of all the male aristocracy of the place.
Then, to supply the demand so created, they devised beautiful wigs
from the LADY CAPILLA's lost tresses, which they sold at a marvellous
profit. And so they were enabled to retire from this narrative
with good incomes.
It was known that the LADY CAPILLA, who since the alleged murder
of one BEERSHEBA had shut herself up like a hermit, or a jack-knife,
would re-enter society; and a great ball was given to do her honour.
The feauty, bank, and rashion of Algammon had assembled in the
Guildhall for that purpose. While the revelry was at its fiercest, the
dancing at its loosest, the rooms at their hottest, and the perspiration
at spring-tide, there was a sound of wheels outside, begetting 4an
instant hush of expectation within. The dancers ceased to spin, and
all the gentlemen crowded about the door. As the LinY CAPILLA
entered, these instinctively fell into two lines, and she passed do vn
the space between, with her little tail behind her. As the end of the
latter came into the room, the wigs of the two gentlemo a nearest the
door leaped off to join their parent stem. In their haste to recover
them the two gentleman bent eagerly forward, knocking their shining
po ws together with a vehemence that shattered them like eggshells.
The wigd of the next pair were similarly affected; and in seeking to
recover them they similarly perished. Then, crack spat pash !-
at every step the LADY took there were two heads that beat as
one. In three minutes there was but a single living male in the
room. He was an odd one, who, having a lady opposite him, had
merely pitched himself headlong into her stomach, doubling her like a
It was merry to see the LADY OArPLLA floating through the mazy
dance that night, with all
those wigs fighting for
their old places in her
"DO I SLEEP, DO
S I DREAM P "
WE must plead guilty
to having the greatest
possible faith in dreams,
one of -ours having had a
o most remarkable verifica-
I tion. One night, about
Three weeks after quarter-
day, we dreamt that our
landlord called for his
stances had to go away
of o~w without it. Singularly
enough he did call next
day, and- but no matter.
The sequel strengthened
i oour faith in dreams,
though it weakened our
confidence in landlords ;
Still we can't quite swal-
low the following, which
under the head of "A
Dream," appears in the
lE clip this extraordinary paragrgest evening papers :-
On Saturday night, a villa
ger mnmed Andrew Sctt
dreamed of being along the
coast on St. Cyrus Sands and
finding a man amattachedong the rthe Cavalry Barracksks
under Wiitson Houses. On
Sabbath morning after break-
fast he cleaned himself, and
correspondent" must explain. It is a ld his wifebee would go and
see if there waith anything in
his dream, taking another man with him to whom he made known his errand, and
on arriving at the spot where he expected to find the 'nse, sure enough teire was
the drowned man, washing amongst the rocks just as seen in his dream.
We are not prepared to argue against this, as it has an evident ten-
dency towards cleanliness of which we are very fond now and then.
It is rather a pity we are not told by what process the dreamer
"cleaned" himself, but we will assume the desired result was arrived
at by a little boiling and scraping. A piece of hearthstone, or a scrap
of iron hoop, is very often of great advantage on such occasions. The
point of this dream is, as we take it, not in the fact of the body's being
found, but in the force of good example, for, evidently determined not
to be behind-hand, "the drowned man was washing among the
A Little Confusing.
WE clip this extraordinary parsgroph from the Irish Times
The officers in command of the detachment of the 8th Hussars stationed here
(Captain Randell Jackson and Mr. Hiekm n), gave a fashionable ball last night, in
the newsman attached to the Cavalry Barracks.
Why a military ball should be described as a fashionable marriage,
and how it could be given in a newsman, are mysteries which our
correspondent" must explain. It is almost impossible to repress a
suspicion that whiskey has somehow something to do with it.
|FFliirAn1T 8, 1S73.
T'OTHER AND WHICH I
Donald :-" WEEL, DouGAI, HOO'S A' WI' YE 1
D;ugal (t-hose wife has presented him with ano her bairn) :-" On, I'M VERRA PaouD THE DAY I "
.Donald :-"Hoo's THAT, MON F "
ougal:-"PaRUT, TRaVUT, MION-I'M ANOTHER FATHER."
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
DR. CUMMING'S next book is to be called From Patmos to Paradise; or
Light in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The sub-title is cum-
brous-why not The Has-Been, the Bee-Master, and the May-be ? =
Boys at an Industrial School committed for attempting to poison the
master. This comes of the School Board and its rapid spreading of
education. = Russian intrigues in India are coming it a little too
strong. Won't do for us if it will for Russ. Letslickem! The
Governing Body of Winchester leaves the fundingg" question just
where it found it. Evidently one of those bodies that have no heads
to them. = KING COLE is going to retire from his grate office. Peace
to his cinders! = The Court for the Consideration of Crown Cases
Reserved decides th at if a woman steals a sovereign all but a shilling,
she cannot be convicted for stealing nineteen shillings. These judges
be more nice than wise.
THIs is the latest wedding eccentricity:-
At a late wedding in Philadelphia, a calcium light was thrown on the bride as she
left the church, and was so managed as to flood the carriage with light, and thus
exhibit the beauty and toilette of the young blushing" bride and groom to an
People who turn a calcium light on themselves would hardly blush to
find it fame, we should think.
UNDER the heading 'BDe Omnibus Rebus" Public Opinion the
other day propounded a conundrum, which we frankly admit we
cannot solve. In speaking of the late Da. L SHIN OTON, it informs us
The deceased was born on Jan. 14, 1872. In 1828 he was made Judge of the Con-
sistory Court, and Judge of the High Court of Admiralty in 1838.
In other words, he was raised to the bench more than forty years
before he was born! It does not therefore surprise us much to learn
that he resigned his judicial office in 1867, five years before he began
Make a Note of.
A CONTEMPORARY informs as that-
A novelty in gentlemen's dress is promised in Boston. The bosom of the shirt is
to have a few bars of music printed upon it, in some cases with words. Gentlemen
wearing them will stand behind pianos to be sung and played from.
Well, there might be worse employment for these young bar-bearians
at play." The next step will be to hollow them out, and fit them
with the patent trichord action with all the latest improvements.
There will be no necessity to remove anything in order to fit up
sounding boards in their heads.
THE WORST RATTLETRAP GOING.- The dice box.
F ]FUNJN.-FEBRUARY 8, 1873.
A NOBLE MISSION.
Brilannia :-" WELL, IF I CANNOT RULE THE WAVES,' AT LEAST I CAN TEMPER rHE STORMS OF ADVERSITY."
FEBRUARY 8, 1873.] F U N 63
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 309.
FOR many days
We'd sunny rays-
Yes, positively floods of 'em,
Till each green thing
Believed 'twas spring,
And you could count the buds of 'em.
But now they're cut back to the roots-
A poor look-out for flowers or fruits!
1. Dead believers in the Prophet
Deftly walk this gleaming edge,
Knowing that the gloom of Tophet
Lies beneath the foaming ledge.
And crying s
And vowing he's dying,
That's what he is doing. or
3. A humble seaport in an island small,
Birthplace of one, who lived to rise, and fall.
4. He who improper gains pursues,
Says, Heads I win, and tails you lose :"
He, who would save his time and breath,
Will give his vote for sudden death:
But he who knows what he's about
Will choose-with an accomplice-"--" odd man out."
5. The REVEREND DR. WATTS
About some things knew lots:
A teacher in theology,
A muff in entomology;
Oh, peach and plum!
The ants don't come,
As he describes,
In endless tribes.
For us to tread them into dust-
Don't gardeners wish they did so, just!
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIc No. 307:-Piers, Downs,
Period, Incognito, Elbow, Raven, Sybarites.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF AcRosTIc No. 307. received 29th DIFFERENT VIEWS.
january :- F. B.; Tartar; Nellie Gray; Rev. .. T.; Lively Flea;
King lPippin; Pontrhy dryum; Begnas: Peripatitic Porpoise; Eldera Sister:-" WON'T YOU BE SORRY, MINNIE, WHEN THE BOYS GO RACK
Choilie Cox; Incomprehensible Myth; Cadaverous Crippled; TO SCHOOL, 'TIS SO VERY NICE TO HAVE THEM HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS"
Malignant Maniac. bl hunger Sister:-"IT'S NOT NICE FOR ME-IT'S NASTY-POR THET'VE
TEASED MY DOG, AND WORRIED MY CAT, AND THEY'VE KILLED A RAT, AND
A Stiff' un for St. Stephen's. SCATTERED SOME MALT, AND KNOCKED DOWN MY HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, AND
THEYYVE EATEN MY PUDDING, AND EATEN MY FI, AND SPENT MY MONEY, AND
WHAT is that which many rich men covet, and more MADE iE CRY ; THEY'VE LAUGHED AT ME, AND THROWN A STONE. I'M SORRY
poor men shun? "The House." THEY CAME, I'LL BE GLAD WHEN THEY RE GONE!o "
female characters we need only say that the manceuvring mamma was
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. played just a little too loudly by MRS. RAYMONDn, that MIss ADA
MR. H. J. BRnoN's new comic dlama, Old Soldiers, was on its first SWANBOROUGH was quiet and natural as Kate M'Tavish, and that
night received with every possible mark of approval by an audience Miss KATE BISHOP was rather overdressed in the part of Mary Moss.
which crowded all parts of the Strand Theatre, where ME. BYRON,
both as author and actor, seems to have become fixture. The piece is 1" Off, off! said the stranger.
singularly slender in construction, so far as plot is concerned, the
writer's ingenuity having been expended in elaborating the dialogue, IN the New York Times occurs the following sentence dpropos of the
which in its peculiar crispness is very suggestive of foregoing plays conviction of STOKES for the murder of FIsx:-
by the same hand. The plot treats of the machinations of Mrs. Major Above all the covert sympathy that may, in some q arters, be felt for Stokes,
Moss and Captain M'Tavish, each of whom possesses an unmari there will arise a general feeling of satisfaction that we have reached a turning
daughter, and of the skilful defence made on his single and singular Dos not our American contemporary mean a "turning-off" point?
young master's part by another old soldier, Corporal Cassidy. This
young master, Lionel Leveret, is not quite such a fool as Sir Simon
Simple looks, though he entertains similar chivalric notions concerning Vokes et prgaterea nihil.
women, and is provided with similar powers of repartee, which, however THE critic of Tublic Opinion in noticing The Era Ananack goes out
pleasant upon the stage, might have objectionable results in actual life, of his way, in our "opinion" (which we make "public," thus), to say
They are though, when used in MR. BYRON's dry manner, intensely an unkind thing. He says, Mn. FREDERICK YOKES tells an American
amusing, and few can refrain from laughing heartily at the way in story, but we prefer his dancing to his writing." Some people,
which the persecuting old soldiers are repeatedly nonplussed. After including MR. YOKES, might fairly say the same thing of the critic
some labyrinthine love passages, some of which are familiar to play- -although they have never seen him dance.
goers, while others are not only new but exciting from their very
improbability, all ends happily, and the wicked father, M'Tavish, is
consigned, through the instrumentality of a virtuous Major (Ma. C. Colt and Filly.
H. STEPRENSON), to the oblivion of a Government appointment in the WE clip this from an American paper:-
West Indies. The piece is well mounted and played, and will be sure Mrs. Samuel Colt, of Connecticut, made 800,000 dols. profit out of revolvers last
to command a large share of public patronage. As Corporal Cassidy year. she has a very lovely daughter who will inherit 8,000,00 dols
Ma. TEBRY showed unexpected power of a high order in comedy; and We should say that young lady will have more than six" s(h)uitors
as the bully captain, MIR. W. H. VERNON acted to the life. Of the revolving around her.
[FEBRUABY 8, 1873.
TRANSPONTINE AMUSEMENT OF THE PEOPLE.
The Chairman or Director of the Revels. The FaScinating Serio-comic Lady. The Irrepressib'e Niggers. The Comic S'ngers.
The Worthy Old People who enjoy them-
selves and beer.
Mars and Venus ever to be
The last of the Music Hall
The Young Man from
The Patrons of the Gallery. The Jolly Old Tradesman who brings the The British Workman amused but The Harmless Little Shop-boys
young idea. grumbling, who admire the fair Vocalist.
Unnatural History. A Warning.
A BENGAL paper criticising the income tax, which is repealed in AN American paper makes this startling discovery:-
happy Hindostan but retained in burdened Britain, observed that it In one day recently we saw notices in our exchange papers of no less than five
hoped- persons in different parts of the country whn had died suddenly while sitting in
The Government will not repeat the blunder of killing the calf which daily their chairs.
produces the golden egg. The obvious deduction is-don't sit in chairs.
We shall take the hint over here, and not slay the fatted goose till
our prodigal expenditure returns within reasonable limits. The Cliffs of Albion.
SOMEBODY has started the theory that chalk may be used as a substi-
Scale-y. tute for coal. This attempt to prove that black and white are
YOUNG FLIGHTY was informed by'his uncle, old GaIPEn that he wag identical is in our opinion a colourable imitation of much political
too giddy for business and wanted balance. FLIGHTY says the latter oratory. We should recommend the theorist to walk his chalks, for
objection may be at once removed by his uncle's opening an account his discovery if tree would give a hint to the invader, who if he could
at the bank for him. not set file to the Thames could burn down our famous white cliffs.
FEBRUARY 8, 1873.]
LITTLE JACK! enjoy the hour;
Calling herself friend,
One there comes, of visage sour,
Dear delight to end.
She is stern of brow and hard,
Monstrous hard, of knuckle,
0 poor JACK !- it's on the card-
So you'll have to buckle !
With hand long and lean she'll seize
All your fish and tackle-
Vainly shall you punch her knees;
None her will may shackle.
All your pockets' hidden riches
She will drag to view,
Comb your hair and mend your stitreeches ?
Soap, and scrub you too.
Then in spite of kick and tear
She will stalk away,
Taking you where lessons drear
Lengthen longest day.
Whitewashed walls shall be your sky;
Horrid maps your cloud ;
No glad grass shall greet your eye ;
No birds sing aloud.
AKr you'll breathe that's mixed with meals,
Shoddy, sighs and sneezes,
Raps, and slaps, and scalds, and squeals,
'Stead of loved breezes.
There will cease the merry song
Fills your heart to-day;
Through your nose you'll learn to wrong
Many a harmless lay.
No dear sun to tan you there;
Only cruel master!
No high nest shall bid you dare
Risk of wanting plaster.
No blue brook in which to dip
Hat to wet your whistle ;
No gold bees to chase that sip
Sweets from purple thistle.
No tall trees their boughs shall bend-
Gallant steeds for riding!
Only birch its twigs shall lend,
NEDDIES, then, no more your tricks
Patiently shall bear,-
Theirs the ha'pence, yours the kicks,
Turn and turn is fair !
" What's her name ? Compulsory
"Can she run fast ?" 0 my eye!
"Awful" fast, alack !
Here I cried (JACK grew EO glum)
I was joking!-see!
Here's a penny-days will come
You shall bless C. E. !,
A Man of Mark.
IT appears that MARK TWAIN's last joke is to pretend to go home,
and then appear suddenly in the British Bench. The Conservative
In the appeal against the conviction of the man Bailey under the Hyde Park
regulations, tried on Wednesday before the Lord Chief Justice and Justices
Blackburn, Mell r, and Twain, the Court, without calling on the Attorney-General,
confirmed the conviction.
We congratulate Ma. JUSTICE TWAIN on his elevation to so dignified a
position,, and shall look for his judgments with interest not unmixed
Youa thorough going fox-hunter glories in following a good
traveller" from the cover-side;-why, then, should he despise "a
THE WEATHER :AND THE.PARKS.
OWING to the ilcent severity of the weather we regret to learn that
the whole staff of workmen employed on the improvements at Peckbam
Rye has been confined to the house by a bad cold in his head. We
cannot credit the local rumour that the two gentlemen who have since
taken his place-the one to dig and the other to look on and advise-
are distinguished supernumeraries from Drury Lane, by kind permis-
sion of F. B. CHATTERTON, Esa. We know the careful training
bestowed on supers at Drury Lane, and are confident that they would
more successfully carry out the illusion that they are hard at work. A
prominent member of the vestry was observed looking on the other
day. Report says he sneezed three times, which is considered a
favourable omen. We think it was probably only influenza. Several
ponderous and imposing granite kerb-stones have been planted in the
mud around the pond, which would seem as if the vestry thought of
growing their granite pedestals, which will no doubt, if carefully
pruned and trained, have reached the requisite height by the time the
improvements are completed. Somebody has placed that event at
1973, but this is the wildest conjecture! Even with the great progress
in machinery which may be anticipated in the interim, we shall be
surprised if the proposed conversion of the Rye and its pond into a
Park and lake is effected before the dawn of the Twenty-first Century.
Our view is confirmed by a local authority whom we have consulted-
one of the donkeys, who is not a vestryman. He says he wishes he
may live to see it, an expression which, coupled with the fact that he
is only a hundred and ten, and donkeys ( who- are not vestrymen)
never die, would seem to bear out our conjecture, that the necessary
improvements in the Rye will not be carried out just yet.
Practice makes Praefect.
AN American paper describes how-
A Terre Haute boy of tender years and heart has drowned seventeen kittens, tied
pans to the tails of nine dogs, brushed his father's new silk hat against the grain,
andblown up a pet canary with a fire-cracker in the last month, and still his fond
mother intends him for the pulpit.
Well, with that laudable object the good woman could not do better
than send that "good and gentle boy over here to Winchester, where
Da. RIDDINGa would no doubt at once make him a priafect.
On the 'Stab.
ONE of the employs in the office of LLOYD'S newspaper has classed
the following mysterious notification among the commercial advertise-
ments-"Blind Stabbing Superseded." A misplaced agony-column
item, surely! but no-it merely has reference to a new way of patching
old boots. As LLoYn's evidently rates it Al, may we suggest that the
inventor should call his process-" The Caulk o' the Walk F"
^abtrz to (Cospglsktt.
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
A. A. (Notting Hill) sends us "a little effort of his youthful muse." It
consists of over two hundred lines! Unluckily that's the extent of the
joke. A "little "-too much!
A PooRl MAN.-If you are, why waste your substance in riotous postal
THE CAUSE OF THE PRESENT RAIN."-We don't know the cause. The
effect in some instances is clearly damp on the brain.
A CORRESPONDENT (Belfast) dating 8th ult., says "a sudden thought
has just struck me!" The-thought is a joke about Princess Louise being
all for-Lorne. We fancy the thought must have struck him long ago, but
the concussion has only just reached the sensorium, owing to the density
of the envelope.
SUBSCRIBER.-Like the snipe's bill (which we think was not a true bill)
your MS. is too long.
W. S. (Pimlico).-" Have no organization !"-then let them begin to
organize. It would be better to do that or something for themselves
instead of writing piteous appeals for help to the papers.
J. P. H. (Leeds).-We can't see the point of the joke because of the
point of the pen, which seems unable to write legibly.
W. H. B. (Penzance).-We did not read far, as you prophecied. It was
not worth while to go beyond the first verse which rhymed suffer" with
supper." You will not take it personally if we mention that duffer"
is an admirable rhymo to suffer."
C. X. B. (Dante-road).-Thanks for the compliment. But, on the
other hand, did you expect a Brighton number with all mention of
Brighton left out ?
G. W. (Kingsland).-Try again.
Declined with thanks:-W. H. P.; S., Kingsland; Y. L., Great Yar-
mouth; W. A., Holloway; A. H. D. C.; WV. W., Clifton; R. P., Old
Jewry; T. S.; F. H., Iffley-road; F. C. H.; Cui Bono; G. F. W., London;
Wallaby; C. E. B., Bromley; E. B., Old Kent-road.
[FE]irUARY 8, 1873.
Little Three Years Old:-" THERE, PA, THERE YOU'VE GOT YOUR DINNER, AND THERE'S YOUR PIE, AND THERE'S YOUR DESSERT, YOUR APPLF,
AND TOUR PEAR, AND THERE'S YOUR GLASS, AND THERE'S YOUR WINES, AND-DO YOU like THAT SORT OF THING ? "
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
Mrs. Skaggs's Husbands (ROUTLEDGE AND SONs, Broadway) is another
proof that the genius of BEET HARTE is in no fear of the collapse which
envious and ungrateful scribblers on the Pacific coast have predicted
and wished. He never wrote a better poem than By the Shaft"
which concludes the volume under notice; while several of the tales
prove that his right hand has not forgotten its cunning, but can evoke
laughter or tears at will.
Turning the Tables (STocK, Paternoster Row) is a peculiarly feeble
burlesque intended to be performed at penny readings as a denunciation
of the labourers' strike. It contains the following instructions how to
bring a horse on the stage:-
The horse can be represented by two tallish men, one of whom bends his body at
right angles so as to rest his heal and arms on the back of the other, who must
stoop a little, and make with his own a head and neck for the animal, while the
rider (who should be light) sits en the back of the first man. A profuse tail, and a
little well-arranged drapery will make up an effective steed.
There is ample proof in the work that, though it needs two men to
construct a property horse, the humbler quadruped may be managed
Little Pickles is an amusing and clever little book, describing the
quest of two young people after self-sacrifice. The authoress makes
much sly fun of the ordinary goody-goody stories in a quiet way.
We hope hope to meet with her again ere long.
The Licensed Victuallers' Year Book by H. D. MILES is a useful book,
doubtless, to the trade especially, but is universally acceptable besides
on account of its very clear annotated digest of the new Licensing
Mr. WHARTON SIMPSON has got together an unusually large quantity
of interesting notes and observations in his Year Book of Photography.
Nearly every photographer of note has contributed, and the reader will
find much information in the various articles; though he must not
expect that VALENTINE BLANCHARD will teach him how he takes his
Rembrandtesque portraits, or that H. P. ROBINSON will reveal how he
composes his fine combination pictures. Perhaps their silence on
these points is due to the knowledge that the ingredient required for
such processes is not obtainable of any vendor of photographic
materials-to wit, brains.
One Man's Meat, &c.
SOMEBODY once boasted that he could drive a coach-and-four through
an Act of Parliament. The reverse of this luxurious experience holds
good-many men are at this moment pursuing life's dull round on
the treadmill-all through an Act of Parliament.
NOTICE.-ON WEDNESDAY NEXT,
The GR&ND VALENTINE DOUBLE NUMBER of FUN,
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED.-ONE PENNY.
THIS CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO rE HAD FROM ALL
WINE MERCHANTS L I R ENO tiF LONDON ADDRESS,
IN LOUIS RENOU Fr Oo
LONDON AND COUNTRY. 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
PE DOZ QUART. Carte Blanche. Extra Quality dry. GT. TOWER STREET,
,Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, February 8, 1873,
FEBBUABY 15, 1873.]
VARIETIES OF ST. VALENTINE.
SAINTS OrUPID AND VALENTINE.-AN ALLEGORY.
JIY VA L4,NrNE.
ONE little sheet of-paper, 'tW p no more,
I sent as proof of mey inte6We affection,
But, ol, that sheet that blessed fruit it bore,
Ulow soon jpcp^, 'ome of ni sad dejection!
FQr o'f'i Foless'ti.l got a line
A i miy' 's Valentine.
Alas, I stand once more -Xpon n earth,
Mourning the loved won.if has gone before we
No joy in life,',n hrpe. noj 1ghtless mirth- '
'Wa tig hut hat whicli my love reotse mea
So cl.:-.se our lies tog er did entwygpe
That I mutt follow K4 my Valenti6n.
A Pretty Dish.
IT is finally decided that agitators have no right to assemble in
Hyde Park. The next time they meet, the police will be mustered,
and will give them pepper.
VOL. XTII. (
A FOLKESTONE journal recently gave a very pictresque, not to say
j'c ly scientific, acdouii of a high tide at Dorv It cormm ino..d with
. OZun and the moon :
jn consequence of the conjunction of the sun and moon, ihh tpqk place a few
I_.ays previously, together with a strong southl-easterly .ct#'eg 'oft.he highest
es known in Dover took place early on Sunday mor t ''ip l g over the
g6.lington Bridge, overflowing the quays int' vici, 'rhipton-street,
a cd flooding the cellars in the neighbourhpbid:' t dr. v g j 'Mil',eady swollen
trs of the river Dour through the narrow o'ulv6irt-gulley i aiubed considerable
di.inMge to the low-lying storage. An alarnt'was given at' 'th police-station about
fd s.m., when Police-constable Geddes, the night watchman on duty, hastened to
t4'Aot with a posse 9f officers, who worked up td their knees 'in water in the
nt store of Mr, Fsk, of Townwall-street.
Worked at what ? At diverting the dread deluge-at forcing the
devastating flood back within its banks-at driving the angry river
from its prey ? No! our friend winds up with this elevating
With the fire-engine and hose, pumping off the superfluous moisture.
Wecallthatpassagesublime-or something within one stop of being so!
68 Fjr '. [FEBRUARY 15, 1873.
7Aik c on e
"Thiouil NT ,W
[FEBRUARY 15, 1873.
THL VALENTINE DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
Whose only joy
Is breaking hearts that can't control you;
You must repair
Your manners, ere
I in my calendar enrol you.
1. To AMANDA.
Amanda dear, when you are sad,
My heart is the reverse of glad;
When you rejoice, what joy is mine!
Which shows in feeling we combine,
2. To A WANDERER.
To other shores your steps incline,
In other lands mayhap you'll dwell;-
How hard it is to say farewell,
3. To A HOBOOBLIN.
Go; trice sy sprite,
I hate you quite;
Reverse of all that is divine,
You shall not be my Valentine.
4. To A BRIDE.
Fair maid, so soon to be a wife,
The orange-blossoms you entwine,
Shall shed their essence all your life,
To make your world sweet, Valentine.
5. To A SCHOOLBOY.
Since every good and gentle boy "
By rule and law his juniors thrashes;
The kindest wish I can employ
Is simply-" Peace be to their asies."
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIc No. 308.-Heavy Fines : Half,
Ennui, Avon Vaudeville, Yahoos.
COnBXCT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 308, received 5th
February :-Guitar; Biffinsnatcher; Yerrip'; Zoe ; Smutty and
Patty, Io. 2; Birmingham Buttonmaker; Cliff; Spinnaker; Swell-
foot; Pheyopteris; Mug; Pik; Regnas; Spheroid; Charley and
Ti; Smug; Little Family; Hoptop; Three Chuckleheads; Pegotty ;
D. E. H. ; Adonis; Steel-legs; ;. Ruby's Ghost; Sour
Lemon ; Perry Hill; Sides ; Alfti; Slodger and Tiney.
Irate Daughter :-"LooK, MA ;-I AM so OFFENDED- SOME IMPUDENT
PERSON HAS SENT ME THIS VALENTINE-AND IT SAYS I AM A CONCEITED
CREATURE,'-IS IT NOT SHAMEFUL?"
Sympathizing Parent :-" THEN, MY DEAR, YOU MAY BE SURE IT HAS
BEEN SENT BY SOME ONE WHO know0 YOU."
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
PENSION of fifty pounds a-year for MRS. KNOWLES. The old maxim
might have been reversed, and the sum, given quickly, might have
been given twice. Coal," says a contemporary, "is selling in
Dublin at 44s. a ton." It will soon be doublin' that in London. =
New paper announced, title The Hour. Yenit hera; but not absque
MoRIER EvANS. = The Brighton Aquarium Turtle is dead. Peace to
its callip-ashes ; it was a fine beast, and made up into excellent soup.
= Vesuvius has suffered from a slight eruption. Now then, doctors,
fetch along your antiphlogistics and apply 'em on the spot! = LORD
SALISBURY has granted a workmens' club a site near Leicester Square.
As if the square itself wasn't a sight as it is! = MR. SKIPWORTH has
expressed contempt of court. The court returned the compliment. To
cool his ardour he got it hot. = The new Judge of the Divorce Court
complains of over-pressure of work. Not Han-nen-viable position!
= Saturday Review reports that drink and mothers-in-law are chief
agents in bringing about divorce suits. We are not altogether con-
vinced that husbands and wives haven't something to do with it. =
Mn. RIGBY WASON applied for summonses against the Premier and
the Chancellor of the Exchequer for breach of duty. Magistrate
refused, and implied he was was'n his time. = Prosecution of M.,
Bowles bowled out.
A COUNTRY paper, speaking of the local debating society, observes
with pardonable pride:-
Our town debating club is in full swing, and questions that have engrossed the
intellectual functions of sages ever since the flood are being decided at the rate of
two a week.
Of course they are decided weakly I The sages cannot complain, for
it is the fate of sage to be served up with goose.
Shifty Customers, too!
THE "double shift" system finds but little favour with those leaders
of Trades Unions who hold the luckless collier under the thumb."
They prefer the double-shuffle.
TO A PSEUDONYMUNCULE.
TWINKLE, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are,
Up above our ken so high,-
Star in whose eccentric light
JonsoN's manes must delight,
Who for thee may hope to win
Orthographic kith or kin ?
Lexicographers will tell
Thou art thine own parallel;
But synchronous or synchronine
Thou shalt be my Valentine.
WE clip this from the Miscellaneous Items of a contemporary :-
To promote digestion, have a right good talk with a funny anecdote or two and
half a dozen laughs with each meal. Eating alone at a restaurant, and shovelling
in the provender in solemn silence, will give dyspepsia to an ostrich.
The author of this excellent advice is evidently a writer who hates
dining alone. We rather fancy he likes being asked out to dinner.
Jam S(e)at-is I
THE L. C. and D. R. Co. appears to be desirous of rivalling the
Metropolitan Railway in the matter of overcrowding. Some of their
carriages are conspicuously lettered-" To carry five on each Seat."
This looks very much like piling the agony."
To be Well Weighed.
HAVE a care, gentle youth, that your massive missive when posted on
Valentine's Eve is sufficiently stamped, or your beloved will certainly
think you wrong in your head."
To CuPID's DEBIT.-Heigh-ho you.
FUN OFFICB, Wednesday, Feb. 12, 1873.
OF all of the seasons
Disturbing folks' reasons
There's none 1 believe in a general way
So teasing and vexing,
As Valentine's Day-yes, it's Valentine's Day.
Miss A get's a letter
She wishes was better,
A dart through a heat served t14 raw on a tray ;
While Miss B's an epistle-
A shrew on a thistle! .
it's Valentine's Day-yes it's Valentine'l bT y.
Miss C is delighted
With verses indited
On scented lace-paper, with orange flow' gay ;
While young D for his share
Gets a lock of her hair!
It's Valentine's Day-yes it's Valentine's Day.
Alas, lads and lasses,
Too swiftly tiieb passes,
Enjoy love arid ginshinls the while that you may;
For a da1, comes, hereafter
lhat quEnohms the laughter
Of Val ntine's Da--yes, of Valentine's Day.
TaE sudden alteration of the -Jpan es established religion, and the
promotion of the bishops, morf ,H ir:., to the dignity of postmen,
caused much astonishment, and this feeling has not been lessened by
the announcement that our anti-conservative cousins are about to
change their language. We are told, on the authority of the Globei
that English is the chosen forii bf speech, bat in its japanning all
the exceptions in our language are to be abolished, all plurals made
regular, spelling is to be reduced to a phoibnetic basis; and such .:.rms
as seed, speaked, bited, teacher, be6ied, thinked, bried, corned, &c.,
substitutEd for the preterites and particiil~i niow in use." A we are-
further informed that the preparations for this change are being made
at Washington, it would seem at first sight as though the Japanese
were about to profit by the oft-expressed recommendation of the late
E.,PEROR OF RUSSIA, and learn, not the English, but the American
language. We are very much obliged to our contemporary for its
information, and as it has been the first to impart, so we trust it will
in the interest of its reade:s be the first to avail itself of, the new style,
the present system being evidently much too difficult for its versatile
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
WE always at this season expect the most gorgeous and beautiful
examples of the worship of St. Valentine; but we cannot remember a
year when those examples were more resplendent. MB. RIMMr L sends
us the means of conveying a devotion, at least a foot square, in the
form of bows and blossoms beatifically suggestive of marriage ; birds
of Paradise of exquisite plumage suggesting that wedded bliss will
convey us to the region where such fowls are common. But MR.
RItMMEL, it must be said, also has Valentines which, while suited
to the capabilities of a slender purse, are really and truly works of art.
MESSRS. DEAN and Co., of Ludgate Hill, while sending some
excellent examples of the floreate and decorated style of Valentine,
enclose some of those desirable -but rarely to be obtained-seasonable
missives, whereby it is possible to chaff-even to satirise-a friend
without going beyond the limits of becoming mirth.
The Cornhill continues its two stories and commences a series of
papers on the Agricultural Labourer. The number is interesting as
containing an appreciative notice of MARRUAT, which was the last
literary labour of JAMEs HANNAY, whose brilliant writing, whose
sparkling conversation, whose pleasant companionship, will be long
remembered by those who knew and loved him.
Macmillan's is notable for a sketch entitled "Passages in the life of
a Bachelor which is very readable; and for an interesting paper on
the Children of the Poor."
In Temple Bar MR. COLLINS'S story exemplifies his great constructive
skill, and accumulates interest. There is a capital story by Mas.
EnwAnDIS this month, with some papers, one on American writers
(a little out at times), and on other attractive topics; but to our thinking
the gem of the number is the appreciative notice of BROWNING and -ijfijl
at the Fair, of which it argues that the summary is conveyed in the
last beautiful line:-
Love is all, and death is nought."
FN [FEBRUAitir 15; 1873.
THE TRUE STORY OF A VALENTINE.
Ir there was one meal more than another that MR. and.MRa. JOHN
SMIFKINs enjoyed in the winter time, it was their tea. Don't talk
to me," said JoaNNY-we always called him JOHNNY for shortness-
about your dinners of courses, first your legs of mutton, andtthen your
fish, mixing up soup and cheese, champagne and beer, and brandy-
and-water-I don't believe in such messes. Givenme a nice comfort-
able tea after the work of the day is over, when a fellow, can sit down
and enjoy himself. It's all very well for people to talk about their
breakfasts, breakfast may be very e nice for those who have nothing to
do but read the paper and eat and drink, discussing criticism and
chocolate, bacon and brutal murders, muffins and misery, eggs and
egotism, rolls and ridicule, but for men who have to work for their
livings, as I am proud to say I do, there's nothing like a good cup of
tea and something substantial after the day's labour. I often hear
people talk about suppers, but suppers don't do for people who have
to be up between five and six in the morning, and so for all these and
many other reasons I like my tea."
It may easily be gathered from the foregoing that MR. JoaN
SMIFKINS was not what is generally known as a swell. He was not,
but possibly his state was the more blessed. He held a position of
confidence in a large manufacturing house, and though his hours were
long- from six in the morning till five in the evening-he had little
to do but see that others worked, and was, as he himself expressed it,
as jolly as a sandboy. When five o'clock arrived JoHN would get
off his stool, lock up his desk, and depart, visions of tea and toast,
bloaters, haddocks, broiled rashers, and other delicacies, making the cold
air quite balmy. JOHN was thirty-five, with hearty appetite and
unimpaired digestion. He used to say he could eat buttered toast
until he made himself hungry, and I verily believe him. MaRS.
SarFRKINS was about the same age and stout, while JoHN was of the
middle size and spare. They had no children, and as MRS. S. said
didn't want none."
One bitterly cold night in February-it was the thirteenth-just
as SM9iKINS reached his own street-door, the postman delivered a
letter with a country post-mark, addressed to our hero; who rarely
received anything in the way of correspondence. So he handled it
very carefully all the way upstairs, and during the progress of the
ihafil made frequent guesses as to whom it might be from, but it was
nob until he was well greased within and without, and the envelope
had received several fat thumb marks from MRS. S., who wondered
that anyone should write to them from Leatherpool, that the jolly
couple jointly and severally decided on opening the enclosure as the
best means of discovering what was inside.
Why, it's from Jos BANKS," Eaid JoHs after struggling carefully
through the letter; "you remember JoE, of course. He says he's
doing wonderful well at Leatherpool, and he's going to send us, to-
morrow being the fourteenth, something like a Valentine. None
of your idiotic letters, but a Valentine, and no error. He's got a
friend who'll be up in the morning, and who'll call and leave two
beautiful hares, which JOE says he remembers I used to be so fond of
when well kept like these are. Oh, won't we have a jolly tea to-
The rest of the evening was spent in an analysis of the roast hare
question, a well-marked cookery book being frequently brought into
requisition, and before departing to his work in the morning BSMIFKINS
earnestly repeated his injunctions. During the day JoaH debated
within himself whether he could afford the crowning luxury, and
ultimately arriving at a favourable conclusion, he, when work was
over, went home by way of the grocer's, and bought a small pot of red
currant jelly. As he carefully packed this up and trudged off he
could not help repeating sotto voce, Oh, I do hope they've been well
hung-hares should always be just past the turn before being cooked."
And so soliloquising, he reached his own door and let himself in with
All the way up the stairs to the second floor he tried hard to dis-
tinguish the smell of roast hare, but for very sufficient reasons without
effect, and becoming alarmed he cleared the last few steps at a bound.
There when he entered the room were the tea things, there was his
wife, her eyes red as though with weeping, but no hares and no signs
of them. Two haddocks were on a plate ready to be put down to the
fire, but SMIFKINS'S relish for them was gone, and he glared angrily as
Hasn't that man been with the Valentine hares P"
"Yes," replied his wife in a broken voice, he's been, but he said
that as the hares didn't seem fresh, he thought he'd better throw them
away, and he did so."
AN American paper states :-
A mountain of pure salt, 500 feet h'gh, 15 miles long, and three miles thick, Is
reported to have been discovered in Arizona.
Now if they can only discover a mountain of beef and mutton pretty
hand y to eat that salt with, oh, would not a meeting like that maki
amen de for a journey to that prolific spot ?
1. To a very Prime Minister. 2. To a Poet Laureate.
all of boundless wealth and immense personal attractions.
S. To a Pirst Commissioner of Works. 4. To a Scene Painter. 5. To a certain Dramatis Author, and some other dramatic Authors. 6. To ourselves in return for this our Valentine number. 7. Specimen ot Valentines Tymzyns says he has received from 5,4721 young ladies,
8. To.an Heir Apparent (He is on a treadmill-we don't know if it is like a treadmill-also we don't cre.) 9. To the infatuated idiot who does not take in FuN regularly. 10. To a Claimant and his supporters. 11. To Dr. D- n. 12. To a Royal Academician.
- F-UN. E 'RUARY 15 1873.
FEBRuARY 15, 1873.]
DEIDRICK SCHWACKENHEIMER was a lusty young goatherd. He
stood six feet two in his sabots, and there was not an ounce of super-
fluous bond or brain in his composition. If he had a fault it was a
tendency ib sleep more than was strictly necessary. The nature of
his calling fostered this weakness ; after being turned into some neigh-
bour's pasture, his animals would not require looking after until the
owner of the soil had turned them out again. Their guardian natu-
rally devoted the interval to slumber. Nor was there danger of over-
sleephg ; the cudgel of the irate husbandman always roused him at
the proper moment.
At nightfall DEDmRICK would marshal his flock and drive it home-
ward to the milking-yard. Here he was met by the fair young
KATRINA BUTTERSPRtECHT, the daughter of his employer, who relieved
the tense udders of their daily secretion. One evening after the
milking, DEIDrICK, who had for years been nourishing a secret passion
for KAnagtA, was smitten with an idea. Why should she not be his wife?
He went and fetched a stool into the yard, led her tenderly to it, seated
her, and asked her why. The girl thought a moment, and then was
at some pains to explain. She was too young. Her old father required
all her care. Her little brother would cry. She was engaged to MAX
MANGLE wuCZZLE. She amplified a good deal, but these were the
essential points of objection. She set them before him seriatim, with
perfect frankness, and without mental reservation. When she had
done, her lover, with that instinctive sense of honour characteristic of
the true goatherd, made no attempt to alter her decision. Indeed, he
had nodded a heart-broken assent to each separate proposition, and at
the conclusion of the last was fast asleep. The next morning he
jocundly drove his goats
afield, and appeared the
same as usual, except that
he slept a good deal more,
and thought of KATRINA
a good deal less.
That evening when he
returned with his sprad-
dling milch-nannies he
found a second stool
placed alongside the first.
It was a happy augury;
his attentions, then, were
not altogether distasteful.
upon the stool, and when
KATRINA had done milk-
ing she came and occu-
pied the other. He me-
chanically renewed his
maid proceeded to recapi-
tulate the obstacles to the
union. She was too
young.. Her old father
required all her care.
Her little brother would
cry. She was engaged to
As each objection was
stated and told off on the
frau!ein's fingers, DEIDRIcK nodded a resigned acquiescenfce, and at the
finish was fast asleep. Every evening after that, DEIDaICK proposed in
perfect good faith, the girl repeated her objections with equal candour,
and they were received with somnolent approval. Love-making is
very agreeable, and by the usage of long years it becomes a confirmed
habit. In less than a decade it became impossible for KATRINA
to enjoy her supper without his regular propo al, and DEIDRICK
could not sleep of a night without the preliminary nap in the
goatyard to taper off his wakefulness. Both would have been wretched
had they retired to bed with a shade of misunderstanding between
And so the seasons went by; the earth grayed and greened herself
anew; the planets sailed their appointed courses; the old goats died,
and their virtues were perpetuated in their offspring. MAX MANGLE-
wuazztL married the miller's daughter; KATRINA's little brother who
would have cried at her wedding, did not cry any at his own; the
aged BurrITTSPRECHT was long gathered to his fathers; and KATRINA
was herself well stricken in years. And still at fall of night she
defined her position to the sleeping lover who had sought her hand-
defined it in the self-same terms as upon that first eventful eve. The
gossiping frauen began to whisper it would be a match; but it did not
look like it as yet. Slanderous tongues even asserted that it ought to
have teen a match long ago, but I don't see how it could have been,
with nothing prepared. The parish clerk began to hanker after his
fee; but, lacking patience, he was unreasonable.
The whole countryside was now taking a deep interest in the affair.
The aged did not wish to die without beholding the consummation of
the love they had seen bud in their youth; and the young did not
wish to die at all. But no one liked to interfere; it was feared that
counsel to the woman would be rejected, and a thrashing to the man
would be misunderstood. At last the pars6n took heart of grace to
make or mar the match. Like a reckless gambler he staked his fee
upoii the cast of a die. He went one day and removed the two stools
-now worn extremely thin-to another corner -of the milking.
That evening, when the distended udders had been duly despdiled,
the lovers repaired to their trysting place. They opened their eyds a
bit to find the stools removed. They were tormented with a vague
presentiment of evil, and stood for some minutes irresolute; then,
assisted to a decision by their weakening knees, they seated themselves
flat upon the ground. DEIDRICK stammered a weak proposal, and
KATRINA essayed an incoherent objection. But she trembled and
became unintelligible; and when he attempted to throw in a few nods
of generous approval they came in at the wrong places. With one
accord they arose and sought their stools. KATRINA tried it again.
She succeeded in saying her father was over-young to marry, and
MAX MANGLEWURZZLE would cry if she took care of him. DmIDRICK
executed a reckless nod that made his neck snap, and was broad awake
in a minute. A second time they arose. They conveyed the stools
back to their primitive position, and began again. She remarked
that her little brother was too old to require all her care, and MAX
would cry to marry her father. DEIDmnCK addressed himself to sleep,
but a horrid nightmare galloped rough-shod into his repose and set
him off with a strangled snort. The good understanding between
those two hearts was for ever dissipated; each did not know if the
other were afoot or on
horseback. Like the
sailor's thirtieth stroke
with the rope's-end, it
was perfectly disgust-
ing Their meetings
after this were so em-
barrassing that they
soon ceased meeting al-
ltogether. KATRINA died
soon after, a miserable
broken spirited maiden
of sixty; and DInacRIx
drags out a wretched ex-
istence in a remote town
upon an income of eight
silbergroschen a week.
Oh, friends and breth-
ren, if you did but know
how slight an act- may
sunder for ever the bonds
of love-how easily one
may wreck the peace of
two faithful hearts -
how almost without an
effort the waters of affec-
tion may be changed to
gall and bitterness I
suspect you would make
even more mischief than
3 ou do now,
MIND AND MATTER.
I AM small and remarkably thin;
I never expect to get fatter;
But in science I'm up to my chin-
The triumph ef mind over matter!
I floored a most corpulent dun
Who is by profession "a hatter,"
With a racy quotation from FuN!
The triumph of mind over matter!
I've rated a pugilist, till
A down the large tear-drops would patter;
(I believe he is blubbering still !)
The triumph of mind over matter I
I'd give a Goliath the lie!
I'd care not a fig for his clatter- 4
He'd flinch neathh my conquering eye!
The triumph of mind over matter I
My wife is immense, bat a dunce-
So when she commences to chatter,
I frown, and she's quiet at once !
The triumph of mind over matter! I
They noted him. Those boys.
She was retiring.
He was aident.
He followed her.
Those boys again.
[FEBRUARY 15, 1873.
Their interview wag watched.
Luckily some one came.
Hle captured the boys and dropped
them through the orifice.
,le alarmed the inmates. He discovered the buglars.
IHe bore them to jail!
To be had at a pinch,
A CORRESPONDENT forwards us a circular received by him from a
firm in Sheffield, which contains this rather remarkable passage:-
We have a stock of finished Vices, well assorted sizes of 100 to 150 pairs to select
We leave it to moralists to explain why Vices should run in pairs, and
not go in Sin-gle harness; but we are at a loss to understand our
correspondent's difficulty. From the very large demand there must
be for Vices of every size, from genteel selfishness to-to commercial
integrity, our only wonder is that there are not more firms issuing
From the Toy-Shop of the World.
LoVERS of a sharp set-to must watch with interest the toying of
Birmingham politicians with the Education Act. We write in the
" steel toy sense of the word, for every man-Jack of them has his
knife-his Jack-knife-in the luckless Bill.
Clerk of the Weather, please hote I
THE other day during the cheerful fog which succeeded to the fall
of snow, a little girl aged six, with a slight lisp, was heard enquiring of
her father why the snow was like a cup. The parent was unable to
explain, when the juvenile phenomenon pointed out that it was
" becawthe it had a thaw, their! When children begin to conundrum,
the demoralising effect of the climate on the intellect is but too evident.
It is estimated that Tennessee has over 20,000,000 acres of unimproved land, the
bulk of which is a drug on the market at 1 dol. and 2 dols. per acre.
For goodness sake let's ship off a lot of our unimproved inhabitants to
that unimproved land, and let them start a Mutual Improvement
Apropos of St Valentine.
ADnvic to Early Youth. Love Letters I
FEBRUARY 15, 1873.J
SIGNS OF AGE.
Friend:-" E'E DID'N COMB TO TEA-MEETIN' LAST WEEK, BETTY! "
Betty.:-" WHY, NO! I BE GWINE TO GIE'T UP; AT THE LAST THERE WERE SECH A SPAATE O0 DISCOORSIN' AN' DRINKING' IT MADB
OUR MAN BAD A'TER IT. HE BE MAIST TOO OLD FOR SECH THINGS NOW."
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
TRANSLATED FROM THE PERSIAN BY DOD GRILB.
For many years an opossum had anointed his tail with bear's oil,
but it remained stubbornly bildheaded. At last his patience was
exhausted, and he appealed to Bruin himself, accusing him of breaking
faith, and calling him a quack.
Why, you insolent marsupial! retorted the bear in a rage; "you
expect my oil to give you hair upon your tail, when it will not give
me even a tail! Why don't you try underdraining, or top-dressing
with light compost ? "
They said and did a good deal more before the opossum withdrew
his cold and barren member from consideration; but the judicious
fabulist does not encumber his tale with extraneous matter, lest it be
"So disreputable a lot as you are I never saw!" said a sleepy rat to
the casks in a wine-cellar. "Always making night hideous with
your hoops and hollows, and disfiguring the day with your bunged-
up appearance. There is no sleeping when once the wine has got in-
to your heads. I'll report you to the butler! "
"The sneaking tale-bearer I" said the casks. "Let us beat him
with our staves."
"-Requiescat in pace," muttered a learned cobweb, sententiously.
"Requires a cat in the place, does it F shrieked the rat. Then
To explain all the wisdom imparted by this fable would require the
pen of a pig, and volumes of smoke.
A giraffe having trodden upon the tail of a poodle, that animal flew
into a blind rage, and wrestled valourously the invading foot.
Hullo, sonny!" said the giraffe, looking down; what are you
I am fighting! was the proud reply; "but I don't know that it
is any of your business."
Oh, I have no desire to mix in," said the good-natured giraffe.
"I never take sides in terrestrial strife. Still, as that is my foot, I
"Eh !" cried the poodle, backing some distance away and gazing
upward, shading his eyes with his paw. "You don't mean to say-
by Jove it's a fact! Well that beats me! A beast of such enormous
length-such preposterous duration, as it were-I wouldn't have
believed it! Of course I can't quarrel with a non-resident; but why
don't you have a local agent on the ground F'
The reply was probably the wisest ever made; but it has not
descended to this generation. It had so very far to descend.
.OSETTES AND BOWS.
First Charmer :-" THE THINGS ARM OCa a 81P, second Charmer :-" VALENTINE'S MORNING
THE PRICE ALARMING, WOULD BRING ADORNING,
SWEET ROSETTES AND BOWS. Iv WE EACH HAD BEAUX.",
Too hard to bear.
THIs is a touching and pathetic recital: -
The t o white bears of the Zoological Garden at Brussels, whose playfulness will
be remembered by many an English visitor to the Volunteer fetes, have died of
inflammation of the intestines, brought on by eating Chinese lanterns, flung into
their pits by some mischievous urchins.
We fear these Arctic visitors must have been corrupted by the early
example of the Russians in the North, who eat candles and drink
lamp-oil. We hope, if MR. FRANK BUCKLAND'S whaling friend,
CAPTAIN GRAY, has not left, he may be prevailed on to distribute hand-
bills among the Arctic bears, warning them to draw the line before
A CONTEMPORARY describing the fine old lion NELSON, who has been
so excellently set-up by MESSRS. WARD of Piccadilly, says that the
noble brute died in the May of last year of "mere senility." We
can't for the life of us see why he could not have said old age,"
which is tolerably intelligible English. He might as well have said
"anility," which means the old age of woman, as "senility" does
that of man, and which consequently would have been scarcely
less appropriate, and rather more figurative. The moral of this fable
is (as DOD G.ILE would say) that the animal that kicked the dying
lion videe JEsop) did so in the vain endeavour to discover some fine
words as long as his ears.
[ We cannot return unaccepted ISS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.j
LEATHEa BREECHES.-We shall e'en be compelled to ttmd you if we
would make you feel, as you have leather continuations as well as a
light heart. But youshould be whipped for addressing to us in the Strand !
Jonm INGLENOOo.-Very nearly being good-but not quite. Thanks,
J. W. E. (Camberwell).-No, thank you.
I. A. C. (Lichfield).-They will be published in a collected form.
ToPSY.-Your Bread and Scrape" is (s)licence; and we cannot admit it.
F. (Ipswich).-Fawkesfaucibus hasit-we are at a loss how to condemn
Declined with thanks:-Edinensis; B. W., Franklin's-row; Wobbler;
J. M., Manchester; P. B., Rye-lane; A. J. M., Hyde-park-square; Bob;
C. D. P., Coventry; The Author of the Syllabus; Yarmouth Yahoo; B. D. T.;
Wallaby; The Party in Question ; R. W., Kingsland ; F., Liverpool; J. G.;
Echo-nomical; P. N., Pentonville; S., Kennington; Constant Reader;
Cheeks; A. C., Clapham; R. N. T.; Old Salt; 0., Weston-super-Mare;
T. C., Salisbury; Brightonian; W. S. M.; Controversialist; G. G.; Roots;
R., Goole; Gazetteer; A Tar; H. K.; N. T. R., Islington: Delicate
Ground; Teaslo; Willows; Mrs. F.'s Aunt; Old Stager; S. W. 0.,
Hulme; Robertus; Subscriber, Bermondsey; -, Northallerton; J. H. A.,
Vauxhall; A Young Writer; J. J. C., London-wall.
THIS CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE RAD FROM ALL AT
'WI M M R MNCi U F LONDON ADDRESS,
IN LOUIS REF, 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
LONDON AND COUNTRY. FOWKES BUILDINGS,
PER DOZ ARTS. Carte Blanchle, Extra Quality dry. GT. TOWER STREET,
FsjUnAnY 22, 1873.]
WHEN of sinner or saint
The portrait you'd paint
There's a rule by which each should be painted;
If a sinner-agreed!
I' a saint, then, indeed,
You have only to draw him as saintd,.
Nothing simpler, you'll say,
And yet day after day
Discloses the folly of this hint,
For in hitting off men
With pencil or pen,
You are bound to draw each as he isn't.
Thus, though JoNEs may be seen
Conceited and mean,
Or stupid or vicious or frightful,
Just describe him that way
And his circle will say
You are libellous, bitter, and spiteful.
You may urge that unless
He were all you express
Your art in these hues could not show him,
And that JoNEs painted bright
As an Angel of Light
Would be nicer, but nobody'd know him.
Still you'll find what will strike
As undoubtedly like,
As so true that r ought else could deceive him;
Is a mythical JONES
To which only he owns
And which people believe they believe him.
The Right Course.
PEOPLE are rather prone to suggesting the application
of the lex talionis in the case of brutal murders-
especially brutal wife-murders. To prove that such a
course would be wrong we will quote the instance of a
man at Mackerelville, New York, who killed and scalped
his wife. A lot of people will at once cry kill and
scalp him; "-but how much better, dear brethren, to
scalp him and not kill him!
To MA-TER BUTCHERS.-Turn Vegetarian.
Boy (in search of a job) : "I DON'T BLAME YE, BOBBY, BUT JEST STAND
US A DROP 0' THE SAME TO TAKE THE CHILL OFF US THIS FOGGY MORNING AN
I'LL PASS THE BROOM OVER THE STEPS AFORE THE 'SPECTOR COMES ROUND."
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
AMATEUES are as a rule most persevering in the pursuit to which
they attach themselves, which is by the way only natural; but un-
fortunately their perseverance is generally in inverse proportion to
their ability. The amateur author who is so impressed with the
value of his productions, and tte moral necessity for their publication,
that he offers them to doubtful editors for nothing is only a bore, but
his friend who insists upon being printed at any cost is a nuisance to
the world at large, and something still worse to his own immediate
circle. So in the dramatic profession amateurs who are known to be
such do no harm to anyone, and very often amuse each other; but
another kind who attempt to pass themselves off on the undiscriminat-
ing as of "the profession," and pay for the privilege of opportunity,
are, as is too well-known, of great harm to the drama and of no benefit
whatever to the community.
It is not, however, of these latter persons that we would speak, our
remarks being directed to the performance of three ladies in
Passion, produced, why we know not, unless to show in the morn-
ing what should be avoided at night, at the Vaudeville. These ladies
are without doubt very different from the amateurs who so often
appear at our thatres for any purpose but those of histrionic art,
they are evidently lovers of art for its own sake, but unfortunately
art shows no partiality for them, and they simply put themselves in
painful and ridiculous positions by assuming characters which would
tax the ability of the most finished actors. To hear a middle-aged
and rather stout lady asking why she was cursed with fatal beauty,
to listen to a dialogue between a mother and Eon, the former being
evidently much the younger, as well as by far the more inexperienced
of the pair, and to watch a sharp-featur d young lady in shot petti-
coats deliver a speech as though attitude were everything, may be
entertaining, but the tntertainmrent is taidly that intended. Of the
piece itself we would rather rot spesk, as we failed to grasp its mean-
ing, havir g been much exercised by the costumes of several noble
people, who would have put the far-famed Adelphi guests to the blush
could they have met, and among whom was a gentleman who seemed
anxious to emulate the clever performances of MESSRS. JAMES AND
THORNE, in Rotnmulas and RBetus, which with the School for Scandal
draws full houses every night to this pretty little theatre.
De-fiend us !
THE Shrewsbury Chronicle the other week contained an announce-
ment of a rather startling character:-
LADIES' SCHOOL, W-- PLACE, W-- .
ISS -. begs to inform her Fiends that School Duties will be RESUMED
on THURDAY, January 30th.
We can deeply sympathise with a schoolmistress, who has a set of
peculiarly unruly pupils, but we cannot believe she would stigmatise
them thus in an advertisement. We think the diabolics in fact are
printers' devils only, and due to an error of the compositor.
The Objective Case.
A PURBLIND contemporary mentions that the young ladies of Chicago
have recently established a "Personal Beauty Lesgue," and then
feebly adds "the objects of the society are not stated." Can't he see
that the society by its very nature excludes all "objects !"
With a Hook.
ONE may laugh at the credulous sailor who whistles for a wind, but
it is an undoubted fact that many fishermen troll successfully for
THERE is a skeleton in every man's cupboard, aye, and at times it
appears-bold as brass-in the light of day upon the mantel-piece, in
the shape of-a "skheeton clock.
VOL. XVII. H
80 F U N [FEBRUARY 22, 1873.
FUN OFFICE, Wedneselay, Feb. 19, 1873.
THE NEXT TRAGEDY.
Othello .................. .... Ms. GL*DST5*Np.
.Desdemona .................. -M. A*RT*Nz.
SCENE : The Board of aorkis. .Desdemona asleep.
Othello :-It is the cause, it is the cause,-I'm sold!
And we got blaming for it; we chaste stars.
It is the cause. Yes, I must shed this mud,
That sticks now on our skins as well as his,
For Hyde Park's monumental notice-board.
Yes, he must go, else he will snub more men,
With common slight-and then with comments light.
I must quench thee, thou flaming Minister,
And, ne'er again thy former height restore
Else I'd repent me. Thou'st oft put out me,
Thou funniest pattern of uncultured nature,
I know not'whence those notions about art,
On which thou didst presume. I could have plficked thy
When thou' didst sneer at vital points in art
With folly bitter, well-becoming thee-
Oh cheeky voice that could almost persuade
Justice to cuss and swear. No more, no more!
THOSE deluded individuals who imagined that gentlemen never do
anything ungentlemanly must have been much astonished at' the
revelations made in the recent action CLAYTON V. JONES." 'Had it
not been distinctly stated that both the persons immediately concerned
were men of family and position-one holding her Majesty's commis-
sion of the peace and the otherher commission in the Guards-thete is
nothing in the whole of the surroundings which takes us one degree
above the status of blackguardism. To be accused of cheating at
cards and then to be dismissed a West-end club, simply because he
did hot resent the accusation by a personal assault, are the unhappy
circumstances in which CAPTAIN CLAT.TON finds himself placed, and we
cannot see, after reading the evidence carefully, that MR. JONES and
CAPTAIN PAWKEE, the latter of whom seems to regard a hit in the eye
as a panacea for all evils, are much better off. The fact is, and though
we grieve to admit it the admission must be made, our social system
is almost as rotten as the game of hazard to which MR. JONES took
exception. While fine and imprisonment are dealt out to poor
sinners, while Loan MAYOR WATERLOW and MR. STRAIGHT are making
their crusade against speculators of shillings, it is notorious that
several so-called social clubs are nothing but hells of the most hellish
description, in which young men are stripped not only of fortune, but
of honour and integrity. It has been now clearly and publicly
demonstrated that this sore exists, but we fear it will be long before a
dozen cab-loads of policemen essay an attack on the palatial establish-
ments of Waterloo-place and Regent-street, similar to that which was
so much lauded when common people only were the delinquents.
THE papers have been crammed with letters from various wise cor-
respondents, who, explaining what courses should have been taken to
save The Nortifteet, would fain convince the public that had they been
on board she would not have been lost. The only conviction that
they have borne-in on the minds of the intelligent is a sound convic-
tion of the folly of the editors who print such rubbish. However, as
the Session has now commenced that folly will find other employment
than inserting letters from people who have discovered that if the
unfortunate emigrants had got out of the sinking ship and walked
ashore they would not have been drowned. To publish such commu-
nications is by implication to reflect upon conduct so gallant and so self-
devoted that it is almost impious to arraign it.
Audi Alteram Partem.
WE clip from the Christian World a curious advertisement, which
seems to have both a Christian and a worldly interpretation:-
C. H. Spurgeon's second student is selling a wonderful EAR :TRUMPET for
DEAF PEOPLE. Persons who had not heard for 20 years are hearing sermons
preached. His Medical Energiser and Cough Curer is a blessing to many who are
delicate. Price and testimonials of these remedies sent free.
We should prefer to do what the trumpet cannot assist us to do-hear
both sides. We want to knhw what the people, who are hearing
sermons preached, think of them, before we go into raptures over the
instrument. We have heard of sermons calculated to inspire a long-
ing less for an ear-trumpet that for two plugs.
A FooT PAD.-The man with goaty toes.
THE GREAT COAL QUESTION.
[TAXING a hint from some of our daily contemporaries, we print the
various suggestions of correspondents desirous of pointing out sub-
stitutes for the present high-priced coals.]
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SIR,-When fuel of a fossiliferocarbonaceous character has risen so
exorbitantly in the market, it behoves the philosopher and man of
science to elaborate a remedy for the evil. Permit me to adumbrate a
palliation if not a complete cure. Let us restore those ornaments for
the fire-stoves, whose very name is redolent of summer, and do with-
out fires, leaving it to our imaginations to warm us. I am, &c.,
A PRACTICAL PHILosOPHER.
"SIR,-Now coals are so confoundedly dear, why shouldn't a few
neighbours club together and have a fire in the middle of the street for
the common warmth of their residences? Yours, &c.,
SIn,-Not only coals but victuals are dear. It is a well-known fact
that oranges are nutritious, and their peel will burn. Let us abj re
the coal-merchant and the baker and devote ourselves to the
fruitererr. Yours, &c., COVENT GARDEN.
Sm,-Penny dolls are cheap. Coals are not. Let us burn penny
dolls! My recollections of the last Derby, convince me that the supply
is ample, and the article within the reach of the poorest.
Yours, &c., A THEORIST.
SIR,-Don't you think that, considering the price ef coals and the
severity of the weather, the House of Commons ought to announce a
general holiday for a fortnight ? We could then all go to bed during
that period and so economise fuel ? Yours, &c.,
ROBIN AND RICHARD.
SIB,-I think that during this inclement winter, and with coals so
enormously dear, the nobility and gentry ought to throw their well-
warmed mansions open to us after office-hours. Yours,
A Poon CLERK.
SIR,-What becomes of -all the trashy three-volume novels that are
constantly issuing from- the press ? There must be mines of them
somewhere, and they would burn well and not too rapidly. For this
purpose they would fetch more than in the second-hand catalogues of
MuDIE and SMITH AND SON. Yours, A READER.
SIR,-The present high price of coals is undoubtedly due to the
machinations of Rome. The withdrawal of our representative, and
the triumphant installation of SIR ROGEo TICHRBONE are the only
remedies. Yours, &c., G. WR*LL*r.
SIR,-There are great complaints among the poorer classes of the
inclement season, and the impossibility of purchasing coals at their
present price. I should recommend the poor people to call on the First
Commissioner of Works, and try to shut him up. I think he would
warm them. Yours, &c., HISTOnIC-CaSS.
SmI,-Could not something be done to stay the present wasteful
consumption or coals, by a statute founded on that excellent Licensing
Act of last session ? Let each consumer of coals carry a little flag in
his hat stating the price he gives per ton ; let the police have a right
to enter any house to see that no coals are burnt after twelve o'clock
except in the case of bond fide travellers from the tropics; and, lastly,
let no coals at all be burnt on Sunday. Yours, &c.,
H. A. BE*cE.
Sun,-Wot a row about a few shbillin' on a ton o'coal! Let 'em go
up, says I! Sixty-ait shillin a ton if they likes. Wots the odds ? I
couldn't afford 'em if they wos ony five bob a ton. Yours,
Britons never shall be Slaves.
YET there are those who would fill England with Peasant Pro-
A very Black Affair.
THE Revolution of '48.- Coals at present prices.
A PARADISE OR AOGLERB.-Liphook.
FEBRUARY 22, 1873.] JN 81
A FOWL WITCH.
FRAU GAUBENSLOSHER was strongly suspected of witchcraft. I don't
think she was a witch, but would not like to swear she was not, in a
couit of law, unless a good deal depended upon my testimony and I
had been properly suborned beforehand. A great many persons
accused of witchcraft have themselves stoutly disbelieved the charge
until, when subjected to shooting with a silver bullet or boiling in oil,
they have found themselves unable to endure the test. And it must be
confessed appearances were against the FRAV. In the first place, she
lived quite alone in a forest, and had no visiting list. This was sus-
picious. Secondly- and it was thus, mainly, that she had acquired her
evil repute-all the barnyard fowls in the vicinityseemed to bear her the
most uncompromising ill-will. Whenever she passed a flock of hens,
or ducks, or turkeys, or geese, one of them1 with dropped wings, ex-
tended neck, and open bill, would.start in hot.pursuit. Sometimes the
whole flock would join in for a few momenta.swith shrill clamour; but
there:would always be one fleeter and more determined than the rest,
and that one.,would keep
up the chase.with unflag-
ging. zeal clean out of
Upon., these occasions
the dame's fright was
painful to behold, She
would not screama-her -
organs of screech seemed.
to have lost their power
-nor, as a rule,,would
she curse;-she would just,
address herselff to silent
prayerful:. speed, with
every symptom of abject
The FRAU's explanation
of this unnatural persecu-
tion was singularly weak.
Upon a certain night
long ago, said she, a poor
bedraggled and attenuated
gander bad applied at her
door for relief. He stated
in piteous accents that he
had eatm nothing for
months but tin-tacks and
an occasional beer bottle;
and he had not roosted
under cover for so long a
time he did not know what
it was like. Would ahe
give him a place on her
fender, and fetch out six
or eight cold pies to
amuse him while she was
preparing his supper? To
this plea she turned a deaf
ear, and he went away.
He came again the next
night, however, bringing a ---
written certificate that his
case was a deserving one,
from a clergyman. She
would not aid him, and he
departed. The night after he presented himself again, with a pap~r
signed by the relieving officer of thetparish, stating that the necessity.
for help was most urgent.
By this time the FRAU'S good-nature was quite exhausted: she slew
him, dressed him, put him in a pot, and boiled him. She kept him
boiling for three or four days, but she did not eat him because her
teeth were just like anybody's teeth-no weaker, perhaps, but certainly
no stronger nor sharper. So she red him to a threshipg machine of
her acquaintance, which managed to masticate some of the more
modern portions, but was hopelessly wrecked upon the neck. From
that time the poor beldame had lived under the shadow of a great
curse. Hens took after her as naturally as after the soaring beetle;
geese pursued her as if she were a fleeting tadpole; ducks, turkeys,
and guinea fowl camped upon her trail with tireless pertinacity.
Now there was a leaven of improbability in this tale, and it leavened
the whole lump. Ganders do not roost; there is not one in a hundred
of them that could sit on a fender long enough to say JAcx RoBinsoe.
So, as the FRAU lived a thousand years before the birth of common
sense-say about a half century ago-when everything uncommon
had a smell of the supernatural, thre was nothing for it but to con-
sider her a witch. Had she been very feeble and withered the people
would have burned her out of hand; but they did not like to proceed to
extremes without perfectly legal evidence. They were cautious, for
they had made several mistakes recently. They had sentenced two or
three females to the stake, and upon being stripped the limbs and
bodies of these had not redeemed the hideous promise of their
shrivelled faces and hands. Justice was ashamed of having toasted
comparatively plump and presumably innocent women; and the
punishment of this one was wisely postponed until the proofs should
be all in.
But in the meantime a graceless youth named HANs BLISSELWAVTLE
made the starting.discovery that none of the fowls which pursued the
FRAu ever camenback to boast of it. & brief martial career seemed to
have weaned them from the arts of peace and the love of their kin-
dred. Full of unutterable suspicion HANs one day followed in the rear
of an,exciting race between the timorous dame and an avenging pullet.
They were too rapidfor him; but bursting suddenly in at the lady's door
some.fifteen minutesafterwards he found her in the act of placing the
plucked and eviscerated ,Nemqsis upon her cooking range. The FRAU
.betrayed considerable confqsiop; and although the accusing BLISSaL-
WARTLE could not but re-
cognise in her act a certain
poetic justice, he could not
conceal from himself that
there was something gross-
ly material and sordid, in
it. He thought it was a
good deal like bottling an
annoying ghost and selling
I, him for clarified moon-
St light ; or like altering a
SgI nightmare and putting her
to the cart.
When it transpired that
Sthe FRAU ate her feathered
persecutors the patience of
the villagers refused to
honour the new demand
upon it; she was at once
arrested and charged with
prostituting,a noble super-
i station to a base selfish
end. We will pass over
the trial; suffice it she
was convicted. But even
Then they had not the heart
to burn a middle-aged
/ woman, with full rounded
outlines, as a witch; so
they broke her upon the
wheel as a thief.
The reckless antipathy
of the domestic fowls to
this inoffensive lady re-
mains to be explained.
I am bound in honour to
set up one of my own.
Happily an inventory of
her assets now before me
-.furnishes a tolerably safe
basis. Amongst the arti-
cles of personal property
I note "One long thin
silken fishing line and
hook." Now if I were a barnyard fowl-say a goose-and a lady not
a friend of mine were to pass me, munching sweetmeats, and were to
drop a nice fat worm, passing on apparently unconscious of her loss, I
think I should try to get away with that worm. And if after swallow?
ing it I felt drawn towards that lady by a strong personal attachment
I suppose that I should yield if I could not help it. And then if the
lady chose to run, and I chose to follow, making a good deal
of no's, I suppose it would look as if I were engaged in a very
reprehisible pursuit, would it not ? With the light I have, that is
theoway in which the case presents itself to my intelligence; though, of
course, I may be wrong.
A Flying Shot.
Moss BrTTras is strongly of opinion that the flippant, ephemera
butterfly productions of St. Valentine's day have their common
origin in-Grub Street.
The World knows nothing of its Gratis Men.
PnROBABLY not-" Every man has his price."
82 FTT N [FEBRUARY 22, 1873.
First Labourer:-"WHAT, OLD JACK DEAD THEO' DRINK! NA, NA, LAD; THEE'S WRONG THERE, I NEVER KNEW ONYBODY KILLED WI'
DRINKING' ; BUT I HEY KNOWN SOME DROP THROUGH IN THE TRAINING."
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
PARLIAMENT opens real business with an AYaRox-bait. The Great
A. took his punishment like a glutton. = The Daily Telegrdph sends
away DR. HESSEL rejoicing. This is the Au-gush-tandage of English
journalism. = MR. CHARLES READE obtains damages from the
Advertiser for questioning the water of some jewels he set in Shilly
Shally. = Loie, HATHERLEY is progressing favourably after an opera-
tion for cataract. It was no doubt induced by the strain on the optic
nerve of the attempt to see what the House of Lords did while he wal
on the woolsack. = Northumberland House is to come down. What
will become of the lion ? We ask because we have so few good public
statues. = The Midland Railway is going to run sleeping cars."
Another instance of the unsleeping vigilance of Mn. ALLPORT. =
Several earthquakes at Samos. Inhabitants don't want any more of
those Samoscillations. = The KING OF SPAIN has abdicated. Only
wonder he didn't do so long ago. = TonR elected for Liverpool. A
Torry triumph. = The Bastlisk has captured three vesse's employed in
kidnapping Polynesians. JACK'S heart is clearly still true to POL
= MR. NORTON points out the niggardliness of the salaries of
police magistrates, considering the immense work. Country Justices
are the Great Unpaid ;-police magistrates the Great Underpaid.
From the U-kraine.
WHEN you hear a man boast that he takes his fences in the hunt-
ing field "like ab rd," you may be sure that he "cranes."
A WEEKLY paper improves the occasion and points the moral as
An instance of the uncertainty of life is furnished to us by the death of Mr.-- ,
for many y'ars of St. Paul's Churchyard. The deceased gentlemanwas in apparent
good health, but in afew seconds ceased to breathe.
Are we to understand that our contemporary wishes to point out that
death comes even to the churchyard, and that he is not to be evaded
on the principle employed against detectives ? Does the wonder
consist in apparent good health ceasing with life, or are we to exhibit
surprise at a man's breath stopping when he is dead ? Anyhow, the
literary effort is great, if the result is small, and it reminds us at a
suitable distance of the immortal word-spinner who, having said of a
comedy, It has not wit enough to keep it sweet," corrected himself
immediately, and gave judgment, It has not vitality enough to
preserve it from putrefaction."
Praise the Bridge that carries-gratis- over.
KEW Bridge has been made toll-free ;-Waterloo and other bridges
will, we hope, promptly follow the Kew.
Blaze away I
COLD weather promotes sport everybody seeks a warm
FUJN .--FEBRUARY 22, 1873.
THE NEXT TRAGEDY.
Othello :- "IT IS THE CAUSE, IT IS THE CAUSE!"
FEBRUARY 22, 1873.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 310.
EMPTrrY talk, and wordy mazes,
Purposely ambiguous phrases;
Whence in vain you would be gleaning
Something like -a real meaning,
Proving (as the cynic taught)
Language for concealing thought.
1. Some writers now-a-days incline
To eclipse the fretful porcupine;
Touch them !-and like the Sottish thistle,
With steel-pen nibs at once they bzistle.
2. A bedstead was invented,
Which, when the hour had struck,
Your longer sloth resented,
And would arise and buck:"-
Such a contrivance I should curse,
No bed of down but the reverse.
3. A wasp-like waist,
A monstrous chignon,
And want of taste
In my opinion
Affect the optics like an "inion."
4.On this new shilling, here you see
The date of eighteen-seventy-three.
5. SANcHo's words, oft quoted, ran
Blessings be upon the man,
Who first invented sleep."
Blessings, too, would I bestow
On him, to whom we mortals owe
The means to drown pain's bitter three
In slumber calm and d, ep.
6. If you'd learn what this may be
Go into the streets and see;
Local Government, together
With this horrid rainy weather
Will display it to your view,
Spotting you from hat to shoe.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIG, No. 309 : A Late Frost :
(Al)Aaraf, Lover, Ajaccio, Toss, Emmet.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 305, received 1l2th Feb:-
Ruby's Ghost; Smug; Yerrip; D. E. H.; C. K.; Swellfoot.
WET, AND DRY.
Britisht Sportsman :-" VERY WET SEASON FOR SPORT, SANDY "
Sandy:-"AYE, SWEET ENOUGH! ONLY FIVE DRY-ISH DAYS THIS MONTH,
AND THEY'VE MIAISTLY BEEN N1PPIT UP BY TIHE SAWBATHS."
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
TRsANSLATED FROM THE PERSIAN BY DOD GaILs.
A DOo having got upon the scent of a deer which a hunter had been
dragging home, set off with extraordinary zeal. After measuring off
a few leagues he paused. "My running gear is all right," said he,
"but I seem to have lost my voice."
Suddenly his ear was assailed by a succession of eager barks, as of
another dog in pursuit of him. It then began to dawn upon him that
he was a :particularly rapid dog ; instead of him having lost his voice,
his voice had lost him, and was just now arriving. Full of his
discovery, he sought his master, and struck for better food and more
Why, you miserable example of perverted powers!" said his
master; I never intended you for the chase, but for the road. You
are to be a draught-dog-to pull baby about in a cart. You will
perceive that speed is an objection. Sir, you must be toned down;
you will be at once assigned to a house with modern conveniences,
and will dine at a French restaurant. If that system do not reduce
your own, I'm an 'Ebrew Jew! "
The journals next morning had racy and appetising accounts of a
A famishing traveller who bad run down a salamander made A fire
you are going to stand upon ceremony everything will get cold
Besides, I have dined. I wish, by the way, you would put on some
more fuel; I think we shall have snow."
Yes," said the man, the weather is like yourself-raw, and ex-
asperatingly cool. Perhaps this will warm you." And he rolled a
ponderous pine log atop of that provoking reptile, who flattened out
and handed in his checks,"
The moral thus doth glibly run-
A cause its opposite may brew;
The sun-shade is unlike the sun,
The plum unlike the plumber, too,
A salamander underdone
His impudenGe may overdo.
A humming bird invited a vulture to dine with her. He accepted
but took the precaution to have an emetic along with him; and im-
mediately after dinner, which consisted mainly of dew, spices, honey,
and similar slops, he swallowed his corrective, and tumbled the
distasteful viands out. He then went away, and made a good
wholesome meal with his friend the ghoul. He has been heard
to remark that the taste for humming-bird fare is "too artificial
for him." He says a simple and natural diet, with agreeable com-
panions, cheerful surroundings, and a struggling moon, is best for the
health, and most agreeable to the normal palate.
People with 'vitiated tastes may derive much profit from this opinion.
and laid him alive upon the hot coals to cook. Wearied With the LXX.
pursuit which had preceded his capture the animal at once composed A gosling who had not yet begun to blanch was accosted by a
himself, and fell into a refreshing sleep. At the end of a half hour chicken just out of the shell:
the man stirred him with a faggot, remarting-" I say !-wake up and Whither away so fast, fair maid P inquired the chick.
begin toasting, will you ? How long do you mean to keep dinner Wither away yourself," was the contemptuous reply ; you are
waiting, eh PF" already in the sere and yellow leaf; while I seem to have a green old
0, 1 beg you will not wait for me," was the yawning reply. "If age before me."
THE OPENING OF PARLIAMENT.
TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT.
Ma. CHARLES RFADE in an action against the Morning Advrtiser,
wherein the palladium of Biitish freedom gave him a verdict, hinted
in his playful and sketchy style at a vile conspiracy of dramatic-author-
critics to damage his reputation. If such a thing were possible, we
should be glad to see it exposed ard crushed, for we hate a conspiracy.
At the same time it occurs to us that when a prosperous author begins
to let fly libel-suits right and left whenever he doesn't like the way
his play is noticed it amounts to something like intimidation.
Proprietors of papers sometimes do not sufficiently admire the candour
of criticisms which lead to the withdrawal of theatrical advertisements,
and the man-proprietor or editor-who rejoices at notice of an action
for libel is a curiosity hitheito unknown even to BARNIM. Few men,
therefore, have less freedom of speech in this land of liberty and libel-
actions than dramatic critics as a rule; and those who desire
honest criticism should do nothing to intimidate. We love intimida-
ticn about as much as conspiracy, only rather less.
THE mysteries of life fLrce themselves to the front at odd times and
in strange places. The confirmed toper at a t vern-bar often confronts
his boon corrpanions with the all-important question-" What is it-
to be?" _
WHEN girls are in a flutter of excitement with "proposals," the
chances are that their big race-going brothers are coolly conning over
RuMOUR speaks of a heavy villain on the stage who never needs a
cue. His conscience prompts him.
AULD LANG SIGouH'.-The Valentine's Days of our Youth.
[FEIRUABRY 22, 1873.
THE WATERLOO COURSING CUP.
Smi,-The Waterloo Cup, I have just discovered, is not a sporto-
military trophy. I at first imagined it was, and made application to
my friend, SERGEANT SMILEiR, of the Hampstead Militia, as a proper
authority for information; and though he didn't know anything about
it, we had a very jolly night at his head-quarters, where we wrote the
following prophetic poem, the money for which, together with amount
for enclosed refreshment account, will oblige by bearer. You will see
that the poem has a military tendency, out of compliment to the
Sergeant, and to the title of the event.
Don't forget the coin, as the landlord up here seems anxious.
I call- the verses,
You may talk of your charges -on Waterloo plain,
Of bloodshed, and murder, and battle ;
You may boast of the carnage, the wounded, the slain,
',Of the balls and, the bullets which fell there like rain ;
Give me but a mount on fair cattle,-
I'll'sparemnot-the rowel, but gallop afar
Till I see th- dogs slipped on the plains of Atlc.ir.
'Oh, to me there's no charge like the charge of a hound,
'*.Indeed, I've no weakness for column;
To the-cavalry business I'm not at all bound,
Atid-the Waterloo Cup's the best Waterloo sound,
To one who thinks soldiering solemn.
Thenhere's for the winner, or if that's too far,
*Let's see what "runs up on the plains of Altcar.
I've a fancy for-BRIGGs with his bold Bed of Stone,
Who'beat all the others last season;
-n'Butvoainot help thinking, as Peasant Boy's grown,
"And-d Amethyst hasn't the first lustre shown,
Mlo-HAF, .'s the best thing in reason.
Yet these are the four I expect will run up
And one of them maybe'll run off with the Cup.
Quien Sabe P
WE hear a good deal about cabmen -their impertinence, civility,
hard-heartedness, generosity, and many other contradictory qualities,
which prove them to be in the main very much like any other body of
men-and we don't mind hearing more of them if they can tell us the
meaning of the following, which seems specially addressed to their
comprehension, and so passes clean over ours:-
O CABMEN.-The Gentleman who took a four-wheeler on Sunday evening, at
seven o'clock, at Bricklayers' Arms to 26, -- street, Within, LOST a
LEATHER GLOVE lined with wool.-If brought to Housekeeper, above address,
will be REWARDED.
We were at first inclined to rush out and collar any gentleman we
might meet wearing only one glove, but desisted on noticing that he
would receive the reward. The partner of our bosom says that it is
the glove, and not the gentleman that is missing, and that therefore
the word should of course be "rewoaded." This makes matters still
worse, and if we ask a cabman, he will only say, as he always does,
"I'll leave it to you, Sir." Will anybody please explain ?
A New Style of Cole-lection.
A CONTEMPORARY records a new notion in the way of shows : -
An exhibition, of oldhats has justbeenheld at Bruges,'Belg:um. Several hun-
dreds of head coveringswere lent' for the'purposei some exceedingly curious in an
historical or archmological point, of view. A collection was made for a charitable
purpose and-produced over a thousand francs.
Will not this induce MR. CoLi, C.B., to reconsider his determination to
retire from a service Y/here there are no more worlds to conquer,
profitably. Imagine betweenn hats anid boots how many varieties of
garments exist which are susceptible of being utilised for 'exhibitions,
until South- Kensington should look like ,aWest End Petticoat-Lane.
The mention of Petticoat suggests one item-the garments which
XANTIPPE wore in lien of a petticoat, or to be more explicit the garment
SOCRATEs did not wear.
A Slight Misdescription.
WE are told that MONORIEPF'S spectacle" of The Cataract of the
Ganges, will, after a lapse of half a century, be reproduced in London.
Spectacles are ot, no:use in cases of cataract-the description should be
couched in other terms.
Oh, Law I
ONB hundred women are said to be studying law in American
S6olleges. This a terrible prospect 1! Cannot they be persuaded to choose
medicine instead.- We'wduld rather have them look at our tongues,
than have to listen theirs.
A DELICATE DISTINCTION.
TaHRr was a most amusing Irish breach of promise case the other
day tried before CHIEF JUSTICE MONAGHAN, in which the unhappy
defendant got it all round-from the Chief Justice, who was hard on
him because he thought "he ought to be proud of getting such a
pretty girl," to his own counsel, who asked the plaintiff if the defendant
was not as ugly a chap as she ever saw for his size, and compared him
by implication to a gorilla. It appears that somehow or other either
the match or the lawsuit was supposed to be due to the behiviour of
one of the witnesses :-
James Jordan, a very intelligent, but ill-dressed and tossed-looking witness,
deposed that defendant told him he was going to be married to another girl. Tnis
was after they had been at a' public-house drinking. In- cross-examination by
Serjeant Armstrong, the witness-sawd he was not the Cupid of Ballymnore, but six
years ago he was a policeman. -He .had been- discharged from the force for
We see at once that he meant that a man who left the police force for
delicacy could never be such a 'very "undress" constable as Dan
Cupid. But we are bound to add that we trust some independent
member will rise in the House (that', the way:this sort of thing is
always done, we fancy!) and enquire why indelicacy should be a
sine qua non in the Irish constabulary, and for what parLicular act of
delicacy-from a blush, upwards-the constable in question was dis-
A Daus ex Machini.
PRiMs'butcher's meat is hopelessly beyond the poor man's reach.
Who :will enable him to put his shoulder to the weal, saddle him with
mutton, and give him a leg up ? Oar youngest offers a suggestion ;-
Call in Jack the hoint .Killer !
Pieces v. Peace.
TnIs looks ominous ;-
It is reported that the Prussion Government have given orders to various English
firms for more than 1,000,000 small arms.
We hope the English firms will be sufficiently patriotic to make them
-as small as- they can!
Ketch 'em alive, oh!
PARLIAMENT is once again in full swing;-if incompetence constituted
a capital offence, certain hon. members would soon be in full swing,-
[ We cannot return unaccepted 3fSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
A. H. F.-We did it'a long time ago; thanks all the same for the
SOLOMON THE SECOND.-" A 'bad second" as they say on the turf, or you
would have known better than to imagine we require servile copies of
J. H. (Bramah-road, Brixton).---Why drone about the busy B ? Bramah-
road, Brixton,.begins with a B; and we're tempted to end with a U. B-
SUM aQon Sum.-But then we wore always backward in arithmetic!
S. W.-Wae shall be sorry to pain the Consulting Naturalist, of the
Brighton Aquarium by publishing your Ode to the late Turtle. He
still laments the green fat-ality.
C. S. M. (Glasgow).-Your rhyming "' streets" with "weeks" is .the
weakest attempt we ever met with.
A. R. (Newcastle-on-Tyne).-Your handwriting is no doubt a flourish-
ing institution; but it is simply illegible.
J; N. (Lansmere Terrace).-As yourequested we have *" read the enclosed
through "-but what then ? We don't see through it.
G.-Why is it that, when a would-be contributor sends us a comic
story, it always begins with 'iIt was hight ?" It's a conundrum- we
J. C. M.--What do you mean .by sending such nonsense,: and marking it
C. (Scotland).-None of your shaves."
PATERFAMILIAS.-If you send us any more bad jokes about the prieb of
coals, we'll tell your people, and they will no doubt chop up the head "
of the family for firewood.
(Daudley).-The paragraph is not meant-for us.
SDeclined with -thanks:-F- R. G., Ireland; Samivel; B., Leeds, L.,
Fenchurch-street; P. B. D., Old Broatd-street; E. N. E. F,' Manzhester;
-, Ventnor; T. W. A., Clapham-road; Wagsbum ; Coal. Fuhd; Speed;
J. S., Bolton; A. M., Gainford; M., Reading; S. T.,'Liverpool; F. L.;
Claverton street; J: H., Prince of Wales's-road; F. C. A., Reading;
F., Dalston; B. B.; 1. C., Truro; H., 'Tbrribngtonstr1ts Chip.; L. A. R.,
Kentish-town; Goordie; B., Liverpool; -, Norwood; Satirist; F. A.,
Kingsland; B.,.Hendon; Old Subscriber; G. S. L.;-A Small Coal-man,
FEBRUARY 22, 1873.]
[FEBRUARY 22, 1873.
THAT'S (S)NO JOKE.
Stout Party :-" Hi, CABBY, I'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN PENCE TO TAKE ME TO WELLBECK-STREET-IT'S ONLY A SHILLING FARE."
Cabby :-" No, THANK'EB, SIR !-BESIDE', THE WALK WILL DO YE EVER 80 MUCH GOOD."
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
THE gem of this month's London Society is a paper on Two Final
Fetes," by poor WHITEHURST, most graphic and amusing of foreign
The Gentleman's is somewhat rich in good things this month-an
account of the Irish press, some spirited sporting adventures, and a
description of the Oberland in winter from the pen of MR. CHARLES
WILLIAMS. The blot i4 the number is a rambling piece of verse called
"the Connaught Man."
The Dublin University is a readable enough number; but is the
Editor aware that the poem "God's Acre" at page 160 is LONG-
FELLOW'S ? It looks like a case of plagiarism, as there are not even
The Argosy is very interesting this month. Its contents are not
many, but they are all good.
Tinsley's has a long list of contents, on the other hand, but nothing
startlingly good. The verse is inferior. MR. FARJEON'S novel is, of
course, thoroughly enjoyable.
The People's Magazine is excellent, and promises to be even better,
in its art especially. We think Miss THOMAS might have put the
title of her story "It was the Time of Roses in inverted commas.
The Sunday Magazine is up to its usual mark, and has a poem apiece
from Miss DORA GREENWELL and Miss ISABELLA FiVIE.
Good Words has a varied table of contents, and is rich in an exquisite
little serenade by FMEDERICK L3OKER, and some of Ma. AUSTIN
DonsoN's pleasant lines. But where did the young ladies in the cuts
to Unica get those extraordinary feet and toes ?
Chambers' Journal contains capital articles, and commences a new
novel by the author of "A Woman's Vengeance." The "Special
Staff," and A Night on the Top of St. Paul's," are among the best of
"My Little Girl" in Once a Week is good. The number contains
also one of Ma. CHABLES READE'S usual angry retorts on his critics :
if he had a less exalted opinion of his own merits, he would less often
pain his real admirers with such outbursts. Another letter, "Experi-
ences of a Contributor" is in very bad taste, and we are surprised
that the Editor should insert what is such a gross breach of literary
GOod Things abounds in good things, as it should do. What could
be more tempting to the boys and girls than "'the Queen who could
not make Gingerbread Nuts, and the King who could not play on the
Jew's Harp ?" The title alone sets the mouth watering.
The Young Folks' Weekly Budget shows no falling off in the first
number of the new volume.
Received :-Leisure Hour; Sunday at Home; Le Follet; Colburn's
New Monthly ; The Young Lady's Journal; The Life-Boat.
THIS CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE RAD FROM ALL AT
WINE MERCHANTS I I 1 LONDON ADDRESS,
LONDON AND COUNTRY. 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
36s. GT. TOWER STREET,
PER DOZE QUARTS. Carte Blanche Extra Quality dry. E.STEET
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and Published (for he Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Loffdon, Febrmary 22, 1873.
MARCH -1, 1873.] .TNs .'
A LOAFER'S LOGIC.
Worthy Pastor :-" MY BOY LEARN TO BBE CONTENTED ; MOUTHS ARE NEVER SENT WITHOUT THE BREAD TO FEED THEM."
Practical Boy :-" On, AH BUT THE MOUTHS IS SENT TO OUR HOUSE AND THE BREAD TO YOUR I "
ORPHEUS, though now and then unfortunate, especially at the finish AT any rate the Homoeopathists are thorough! In this month's
of his-as the liners say-chequered career, got a good deal out of his number of the Monthly Bomweopathic Review we meet with this adver-
instrument, and a more modern gentleman has told us that tisement inserted by a manufacturer of arms and legs :-
music has great soothing properties ; but we think that if either of MR. H. J. STUMP,
them had seen the following in the Newcastle Chronicle, his surprise (9 years Pupil and Assistant to Mr. Fredk. Gray),
would have been great:- Nor AN EXHIBITOR IN ANY EXHIBITION.
I, John Williamson, of Jarrow, hearing that C. Wright, of Jarrow, is not satisfied Constructor to Lord Hardinge,
with his late defeat at the Hen and Chickens, Manchester, will sing him the best
Scotch song, bar "Ye Banks and Braes," for his own stake; or R. Nixon can be on Such stump oratory speaks for itself To whom would you sooner
at any price. An answer will be attended to. apply, when you had just had a limb lopped off, than to a sympathetic
Possibly "Ye Banks" is not calculated to soften the sorrow of C. Stump? We shall alter our favourite verse of Chevy Chase :"-
Wright, perhaps the title is too suggestive of recent commercial failure For WIDDRINGTON I weep no more,
to induce joy in the listeners, and maybe, after all, as it has been He still could play a trump-
discovered that BRUCE and WALLACE were both Englishmen, Ye For when his legs were smitten off,
Banks and Braes" may not be a Scotch song. We have heard of He got a pair from STUMP.
and wondered at the urchin who sang for his supper, but one man
singing for another's own stake "-which is here obviously misspelt-
is still more marvellous. We should like to hear what R. NiXON, the A Carte de Visite.
slighted, who can be on at any price," has to say on the subject, and THE School Board should blush through all its fibres and hide its
with the jocund Jarrowvian, inform him that "an answer will be diminished block head when it sees how animals and inanimate objects
attended to." can be taught what it has hitherto failed to teach the human child:-
DPONY and Cart for Hire, to collect orders or deliver goods ; can read and write
Buzz I well; knows town; good references. Address, &c.
The Echo tells of a cavern full of "innumerable bees" in Los Angeles We suppose there is a division of labour here, and that the pony
in the United States, and says :- reads- and draws-while the cart writes, and knows town by cart-
The inhabitants of the country have more than once tried, although the approach we mean heart.
to the fissure is difficult, to drive away the bees and take possession of their treasure,
but they have always been repulsed with loss. Fancy Bred.
We fancy there is a good deal of humming," for which the bees are AN advertiser in the Telegraph says, Wanted a Baker, second-
not accountable, in that story! We feel sure that by this time the hand." We should have thought stale would have been the term
American inhabitants would have persuaded the bees to submit the applied to a doughy who was not absolutely new. A following
question to arbitration, in which case they will soon be licking advertisement commences, To Master Bakers," but it doesn't tell us
their fingers, and wondering what to do with the superfluous how, although the pertinacity of our purveyor makes the knowledge
beeswax very desirable.
90 FUN. [MaeCH 1, 1873.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Feb. 26, 1873.
OLD KING COAL.
OLD KING COAL
Jolly dear on the whole, '
Jolly dear on the whole is he,
He raises his price and he raises his toll
Every day by some shillings three.
Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, go the prices,;
And so the poor
Must the cold endure
On account of penury.
Old KINo COAL,
Is a knowing oldi droll,
A knowing old droll is he;
For he's paying no wages and profits they roll
In fast. at the prices that be.
Fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, go the prices!
And he doesn't care
For the deep despair
Of the sons-of peciry.
Old Kino CoAL
Has a hard heart and soul.
A hard- heat and soul has he ;
He brings about strikes, when he might control
His miners quite easily.
Peoh! says be ;,pooh! says he ;pooh says he, to the strikers ;
When men are on strike
We charge what we like
To the verge of. usury.
IN arguing from any particular basis it is always as well to be sure
that the standpoint is- all right and- secure before launching forth on
the pinions of oratory. Otflerwise croppers- are likely to be the order
of the day. The controversy which every now d again rages be-
tween ADMIRAL Rous and other enthusiasts, on the subject of horse
breeding, and which has just now broken out in a fresh place, might
be narrowed into the limits of an ordinary discussion, if the disputants
would only settle what are the actual points in dispute, but then the
impartial bystanders' amusement would cease. The main point in the
argument-if argument a series of contradictory statements can be
called-has little attraction- for us, as yet, and we can hardly under-
stand why people who a few years back rarely saw a'horse except on a
cab rank should take so lively an interest in the matter. But we
have been attracted by a remarkable syllogism, propounded by the
gallant ADMIRAL, who has written a lorg letter to prove that because
a man 6 feet 3 inches high can run two miles carrying a hundredweight
better than he can without, "the practical cause of a scarcity of horses
is a redundancy of wealth." As we don't believe in the premiss-as
in fact we don't believe that a man 6 feet 3 inches can run two miles with
or without a hundredweight-we may be allowed to have reasons for
imagining that the Autocrat of the turf has fairly illustrate the
doctrine of croppers with which we set out.
THE opponents of capital punishment are mustering theii forces, and
the sounds of their preparation may be heard afar off. They are
donning their armour, and they are calling in their subscription lists.
Altogether they are preparing for war upon those persons whose
peaceful and harmless wish it is to hang all who are unfit to live
because it is cheaper than keeping them alive. Poor old CALCRAFT I
He must think this "mean, mean, mean," indeed; but he has his
revenge. The mercy-for-murderers party have lost sight of the fact
that you can't hang culpits until they are caught, and as catching has
gone out of fashion, hanging must follow of its own accord, and abolish
itself. The only chance we can see of reviving the subject for
opportunities of argument is to hang a defective or two. That would
indeed be capital punishment.
THr Scientific American says :-
A strictly vegetable living ordinarily gives a fair complexion, and amiability, and
extreme pugnacity when the vegetarian's views in regard to that one engrossing
thought of his life is discussed.
But, goodness gracious, that is not peculiar to the browsing jackass!
Extreme pugnacity is always developed in defence of an idea,wli en it
happens to be the only idea a fellow has!
The Head and Front, &c.
MIsTREsss often have occasion to find fault with their servants'
head-dresses. N.B. Particularly with their "vails."
THE CRITICISM OF THE FUTURE.
Who breaks a butterfly, upon a wheel P Who indeed, Mn. POPE,
in these days ? He must be a very bold or a very rich man who can
venture upon that amoUii of critical severity. Criticism has degene-
rated into compliment. The author holds it the critic's function to
" nod and do him courtesies," and it is at his peril that he either hints
at flaws or suggests amendments. Even silence is constructive malice,
and as to that damnatory "faint praise," the action of which you, Sir,
so well understood, what is it. but indirect lampooning ? Who breaks
a butterfly forsooth I Let us first see the man who ventures to hint
that the butterfly deserves breaking, in face of a Law of Libel which
means anything-or nothing-except attaching penalties to the
expression of fair and; honest opinions.
But if things-are in this state now, what are they coming to? The
mere mention of your poor butterfly will be enough. The possession
of a pin with. whiotc it. might be impaled will carry costs. The
criticism of the future must consist of entire praise, of abject apology,
or of pure gibberish. As a specimen of the first style we may expect
to read in the times or other journals which can afford to run risks
something of this sort:-
Speaking, without prejudice, and we trust within strict legal
bounds, we venture to say that Lumps of Delight consists of poems
infinitely sweet, luscious and entrancing ; all splendour, lustre and
enticement; we have been charmed and intoxicated with a work, the
rapturous- enjoyment of which impinges, on the delirious. Have
we said enough?"
Clearly, if the object was to insult the author by supposing him idiot
enough to swallow this-but it is a form of insult of which a little
author- and this is the way to make little authors-will put up with
a good deal. Let us take next, dear Sir, a dramatic criticism of a
future Bra, warranted "safe :-
Last evening at house not a hundred yards from -- ,there was
produced a new entitled *, said to be from the pen of a
dramatist. The piece was put upon the stage. In the representation
each actor and actress displayed the talent he or she possessed. For
obvious reasons we abstain from mentioning names, and as the plot is
copyright (as well as the title) it would be unfair to hint at it, but
we may add that carriages could be ordered for a quarter to eleven."
This sort of thing would probably lead to a speedy arrangement
between the press and the stage, if adopted early enough, before it
becomes a capital offence to hiss histriones, and speaking sternly of
dramas entails something analagous to the penalties of pr emunire.
The worst of slimy, emasculated criticism is that it e ill probably result
in a rank crop of plagiarism, or what used to be so called before the
invention of nicer names, hicr names, which nevertheless leaves the thing itself
quite as nasty. To meet the case of the new order of Tesselated
Literature we shall perhaps have to read :-
This novel The Meandering Prig is admirably conveyed. The plot
is borrowed with consummate taste. The language forms a complete
anthology of the best authors. The situations are capitally selected.
The characters kindly lent by HADAME TUSSAUD are unexceptionable.
The Tunbridge-ware effect of the whole attests the superb work-
This, dear itR. POPE, is the sort of thing towards which we are
drifting, and you will probably with us express your disgust and
your inability to see the drift of it.
A MASSACHUSETTS medium
Who is described as young, industrious, and somewhat illiterate mechanic, is
resorted to be finishing the "Mystery of Edwin Drood," at the dictation of the
ghostly Boz. We are asked to believe that he never read ilie book, and probably
never heart of it;" but instantly resognised a plc-ure of Dickeris when shown to
him as the face of the .pirit who visits him, and the glorious beauty of whose eyes
is wonderful to behold.
Now, is not this infamous ? Surely flogging is too good for ruffians
like these spiritualists, who put the hug on the honoured dead, and
try to pick their pockets of posthumous fame! We feel sure the
circulating medium is the only medium in the case, and that this young
and industrustious chivalric-industrious-mechanic is telling a
Mass-o' -- never mind what!
Livery of Seisin.
OUc bilious contributor writes to tell us that his doctor informs.him
that he has liver enough for three people. He adds that this seems so
selfish that if we can indicate any deserving cases of destitution in
that particular, he will be happy to hear of them.
As it Strikes us.
ALL railway passengers are familiar with the "beating" of the
engine: does it arise firom the governing rod? We WArTT of no
MARCO 1, 1873.] FUUN 91
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE
JUDGING from the reception accorded Ma. JAMEss ALBERY'S romantic
legend, Or2ana, on the night of its production, at the Globe Theatre, it
would seem as though a reaction had set in from the system of
indiscriminate applause which is unfortunately too common in these
days, and which is most marked when failure is most conspicuous;
or that the play-going public had at last determined on having a
voice in matters of praise and condemnation. But whatever may
have been the proximate cause, friendship, animosity, or conflicting
tastes, it is certain that not for a long time has su h a hubbub been
raised, in the theatre, at any rate, about a new play, as was raised
during the second and third acts of Oriana. The pittites, who had
shown signs of rebellion early in the evening over the non-production
of a new farce, were calm during the first act. sceptical during the
second, and ridiculously irreverent towards the conclusion. The
applauding faction was nearly silenced, and if the noes did not have
it all to themselves, they had quite as much of the battle as was
good for them, and much more than was actually necessary. For
though we are most decidedly opposed to the unfortunate system
which usually obtains to so great an extent on first nights, we think
that better opportunity might have been taken for the display of
objection, as the new piece is, if not first-rate, certainly far better
than others which have been enthusiastically received at the Globe,
and better, beyond comparison, than some which are being successfully
played in its immediate neighbourhood. The story is vague, and its
origin composite, but it contains some extremely good lines, the good
predominating considerably over the bad; and though the music
has also an evident mixed source, it is pretty throughout, often spark-
ling; and had the acting been in any way as good as either words or
mu-ic, all would doubtless have been well. But with the exception
of Miss CARLOTTA ADDISON, who delivered her lines with vigour and
grace, Ma. COMPTON, who battled bravely against adverse circum-
stances, and Miss HUGoEs, who worked hard and sang well, the
performance was below the level of an amateur company. MaR.
MONTAGUE and his army of tinpot soldiers inspired the reverse of awe,
and the manager's voice, especially when he was singing, seemed to
bave lost its wonted charm, while the cruelty of the author in making
him fall in love with himself bore its own punishment. Roars of
laughter attended the solemn scenes, in the solemnest of which the
usual pantomime call for a hornpipe was loudly made.
Recently an entertainment was given by the- police of the L and W
Divisions at Sanger's (Astley's) in aid of the Metropolitan and City
Police Orphanage, and we are happy to say that this charitable effort
was as successful as all charitable efforts should be. The A Division
Glee Class and the C. 0." Police Mintrels gave their services, and
were well received, but the feature ef the evening was the ddbut of
Miss EMvLY MoiT, who sang two pretty songs in so pretty a manner as
to bring down thufiders of applause--eals from the peelers. The
members of the A Division evidently regarded the performance from
a proprietorial point of view, and expressed themselves satisfied that
their Superintendent's daughter fairly represented their body, being
voted unanimously Al.
"How are you off?"
THIS seems rather contradictory :-
FANCY SOAP.-Steady man WANTED as MELTER and FOREMAN.
It is hard to understand how the wished-for one can be a melter first
and a foreman afterwards; but steady men stay well, and if fat, have
enough left for latter duties. Still we don't think we shall fancy
soap much now we have discovered how it is made.
How is that for-Lowe P
SIR BUnNARD BURKE reminds the world at large that those only
who are connected with the naval or military defences of the country
have a right to stick cockades in their servants' hats. It is suggested
that, in order to meet the damages laid down by the Geneva
Conference, all civilians employing the badge should be -compelled
to pay a licence for it. Well, the notion has our approval;-the
Alabama Claims should .be paid for by those whose claims to the
cockade are all a barn.
In answer to the Yew York Tribue's enquiry Do not Jews write
poetry F that exceptionally fortunate person, the Editor of the Jewish
fess.enger. says he never received a dozen bits of original poetry from
SIe pay less attention to the Psalms than to the Profits.
o\ An Old Saw" re-set.
\ FOR AMATEUR VIOLINIST.-Bowing and Scraping.
I DON'T much care for Summer,
For Autumn, or for Spring;-
But oh, the latest comer
I hate like-anything!
Of phrases'more aggressive
I fain would be the minter,
If they'd but be expressive
Of hatred for the Winter.
Such seasonable weather
Some folks consider prime ";-
Bat I do altogether
Detest the bitter time:-
It may suit those who run 2
But I am nota sprinter,
And cannot see the fun
Of this confounded Winter.
With steaming "goes of grog
(Your only comfort-giver)
One battles with the fog;-
But damages one's liver!
The doctor proves, alas,
Of all one's drink a stinter ;-
Without the cheerful glass
How desolate is Winter.
Some fancy frost is nice,
And talk of jolly skating;
Except in summer, ice
I hold a thing for hating.
My curse be on the lot,
From iceberg down to splinter,
I like my weather hot,
And cannot bear the Winter.
The spring I can endure
If not too cold and showery ;
The summer can allure
My praise for beauty flowery;
And Autumn-when fruit's ripe-
I like-but, Master-Printer.
Please put in larger type-
I DO DETEST THE WINTER !
THE joy of man, who sees an errant porker suddenly erect himself
on his streaky part, clap his pettit ,es, and crow like a Shanghae, is
not much when compared with the rapture caused in the scientific
bosom when The Globe waxes paleontological. Speaking of the dis-
covery by PRorESSoa MARSH of the ichthyornis or fish-bird, it says:-
Further investigation revealed still greater wonders : the head of the fist
discovered species was displayed in such a manner is to show that it belonged to
the skeleton, and was found to be furnished s ith numerous small teeth implanted in
distinct sockets, in both jaws! A bird with teeth is certainly an anomaly,
and if Professor Marsh is right in all his facts, he is undoubtedly justi-
fled in proposing for these most extraordinary creatures the establishment of a new
sub-class of birds (Odontarnitlhis.)
What this designation may mean is worse than Greek to us, there's so
much Whitechapel in it, but perhaps it should be Odontornithes. But
why all this about a bird with teeth? Hasn't the writer of that article
teeth in his head, and does he not write himself down a-well, a bird,
with one of his own quills!
A Spirited Idea.
WE learn from Iron, from which we steal the announcement that
A FRENCH inventor, M. Lamhrigot, has just constructed a new machine for
motive power, working by alcohol, or wood-spirit.
Machinery has thrown people out of work often enough, but now it
seems to be going to rob us of our drink. What shall we do without
alcohol, and where will the vendors of cheap whiskey be without wood-
spirit, for wood in the spirit is as common as wine in the wood P
Cannot M. LAMBRIGOT utilise the spirit which actuates the Teeto-
tallers ? It is useless for any other purpose.
The Artless Society.
THE Society of Arts is evidently desirous of being-not written-up
-but written-down, Dogberilly; for it promulgates the following*
Mr. Wyke Bayliss, F.S.A., delivered a lecture before the members of the Society
for the Encouragement of the Fine Arts this week, entitled, The Message of Art;
or, Beauty and the Beast." I
This is, indeed, flattering to the Society to whom Art sent the message.
(MABC.H 1, 1873.
G.oAL OwN EPiS
THE GREAT COAL QUESTION.
]FU'N_-MARCH 1, 1873.
OLD KING COAL.
MARCH 1, 1873.] FUN. 95
A TALE OF SPANISH VENGEANCE. There is really no moving the law-abiding soul to crime of doubtful
A TALEi OF SPANISR ENGEANCE. profit. Bat DON HEMSTITCH was not at ease; he could not say how.
DoN HEMSTITCH BLODOZA was an hidalgo-one of the highest dalgos soon it might transpire that he had nor chick nor child. Should DON
of old Spain. He had a comfortably picturesque castle on the Guadal- SYMPosIO pass that way and communicate this information-and he
quiver, with towers, battlements, and mortgages on it; but as it was in a position to know-the moral scruples of the conscientious
belonged, not to his own creditors, but to those-of his bitterest enemy, plotter would vanish like the baseless fabric of a beaten cur. More-
who inhabited it, DoN HEMSTITCH preferred the forest as a steady over it is always unpleasant to be included in a conspiracy in which
residence. Bie had that curse of Spanish pride which will not permit one is not a conspirator. DON HEMSTITCH resolved to sell his life at
one to be a burden upon the man who may happen to have massacred the highest market price.
all one's r nations, and set a price upon the heads of one's family Hastly dscending his tree he wrapped his cloak about him and
penerallv. He had made a vow never to accept the hospitality of DON stood for some time wishing he had a poniard. Trying the temper of
SYMPOSIo-not if he died for it. So he pervaded the romantic dells, this upon his thiemb-nail he found it much more amiable than his awn.
and the sunless jungle was infected with the sound of his guitar. He It was a keen Toledo blade-keen enough to sever a hare. To nerve
rose in the morning and laved him in the limpid brooklet; and the himself for the deadly work before himn he began thinking of a lady
teams of the noon-day sun fell upon him in the pursuit of diet- whom he had once met-the lovely DONNA LAvacA, beloved of EL
"The thistle's downy seed his fare, TOiOBLANCO. Having thus wrought up his Castilian soul to a high
His drink the morning dew." pitch of jealousy he felt, quite irresistible, and advanced towards the
He throve but indifferently upon this meagre regimen, but beyond two ruffians with his poniard deftly latent in his flowing sleeve. His
all other evils a true mien was hostile, his stride
paniard of the poorer sort puissant, his nose tip-tilted
dreads obesity. During the -not to put toe fine a point
darkest night of the season upon it, petallie. DON
he will get up at an absurd HEoMSTITCH was upon the
hour and stab his best war path with all his
friend in the back rather s might. The forest trem-
than grow fat. bled as he trode, the earth
It will of course be sus- bent like thin ice beneah
pected by the experienced his heel. Birds, beasts, ser-
reader that DoN HEMSTITCH pents, and poachers fled
did not have any bed. affrighted to the eight and
Like the feathered hero of left of his course. He came
the oratian lines above down upon the. unsuspect-
quotEd- ing assassins like a mild
"He perched at will on every Spanish avalanche.
spray." senores," he thundered
In translating this ale with a frightful scowl and a
into the French, M. Victoe i faint aroma of garlic, "pat-
Hoco will please twig the ter your pater-nosters as fast
proper meaning of the, as you conveieiently may.
word "spray"; I shall be You have but ten minutes
very angry if he make it a to exist. Has eitherof you
appear that my hero is a a watch?"
gull. Then might you have
One morning while Dox seen a guilty dismay over-
HEMSTITCH was dozing spreading the faces of two
upon his leafy couch-not sinners, like a sudden snow
his main couch, but a palingtwinmountainpeaks.
branch- he was roused -In the presence ofi Death,
from his tranquil nap by Crime shuddered and went
the grunting of swine; or, down into his boots. Con-
if you like subtle distinc- science stood appalled i4
tions, by the sound of hu- the sight of Retibution.
man voices. Peering cau- In vain the villains essayed
tiously through his bed speech; each palsied
hangings he saw below tongue beat out upon the
him at a little distance two yielding air some weak
of his countrymen in con- words of supplication, then
versation. The fine prac- clave to its proper concave.
tied phrenzy of their n Two pairs of brawny knees
looks, their excellently re- unsettled their knitted
hearsed air of apprehensive braces, and bent limply be-
secrecy, Stowed him they neath their loads of incar-
were merely conspiring ', nate wickedness swaying
against somebody's life; 'unsteadily above. With
and he dismissed the mat- -clenched hands and team-
ter from his mind until the ing eyes these wretched
mention of his own name recalled his attention. One of the conspira- men prayed silently. At this supreme moment an American gentleman
tors was urging the other to make one of a joint-stock company for sitting by with his heels upon a rotted' oaken stump, tilted back his
the DoN'h assassination; but the more conscientious plotter would not chair, laid down his newspaper, and began operating upon a half-eaten
consent. apple-pie. One glance at the title of that print-one look at that calm
"The laws of Spain," said the latter, with which we have an angular face clasped in its crescent of crisp crust-and DoN HEM-
acquaintance meanly withheld from the attorneys, enjoins that when STITCHn BLODOZA reeled, staggered like an exhausted spinning-top. He
one man murders another, except for debt, he must make provision for spread his baffled hand upon his eyes, and senk heavily to earth!
the widow and orphans. I leave it to you if, after the summer's "Saved! Saved!" shrieked the penitent conspirators, springinmg
unprofitable business, we are in a position to assume the care and upon their feet. The far deeps of th6 forest whispered in consultation,
education of a large family. We have not a single asset, and our and a distant hill-side echoed back the words. "Saved J sang the
liabilities amount to fourteen widows, and more than thirty children rocks- "Saved!" the glad birds twittered from the leaves above,-
of strong and increasing appetite." The hare that DON HEMSTITCH BLODOZA's poniard would have seve6V&
Car-r-rajo !" hissed the other through his beard; "we will limped awkwardly but confidently about, saying Saved" as well a'
Slaughter the lot of them!" he knew how.
At this cold-blooded proposition his merciful companion recoiled Explanation is needless. The American gentleman was the Special
aghast. Correspondent of the New YorkesHerald. It is tolerably well known
"Diablo! he shrieked. "Tempt me no farther. What! immo- that except beneath his searching eye no considerable event can occur
late a whole hecatomb of guiltless women and children ? C insider the -and his whole soul was focus d upon that apple-pie!
funeral expense! That is how Spanish vengeance was baulked of its issue.
CANNY?-WELL, HE WON'T.
Carter (in answer to Challenge) :--"FECHT YE! NA, NA! PEcTIN' Is YER
TRABE. BUT AH'LL DRIVE A CART WI' IE, IF YE LIKE! "
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
MAmDRID, it is announced, will hold an International Exhibition in
1875. Why ? It makes a perpetual international exhibition of itself as
it is! = It is said MILLAIS is to paint a Northflset incident for the
Royal Academy. Less sense than sensation in such an idea. = We.
see the journal of the Franklin Institute contains a paper abeut "a
sensitive Waterfall." Is there no scientific writer prepared to follow
it up with the autobiography ef "an insensible pump P' Don't all
speak at once! = MR. VERNON HARCOURT accuses Government of
lavish expenditure. Government placidly admits the tender impeach-
ment. Hai den, d offenders find it pays best to plead guilty. = Spain
having sent away its Rd is going to try a Re-public. Let's send 'em
DILKE for President. = The Spanish authorities deny that the Muridlo
had anything to do with the Porthfleet disaster. How these Spaniards
do repudiate! = Case of CLATON v. JONES ends practically in "six of
'one, and half a dozen of the other." We think both would be better
for a couple of dozen apiece.
WE believe that the best wayto tell a dog's age is to examine the
wrinkles in his tail. They are formed under the shin and run the whole
length. This wrinkle has only just been imparted to us, but we freely
make it public, as an opportunity for its exercise now presents itself:-
TWO POUNDS REWARD.-LOST a BLACK and DARK TAN ENGLISH
TEKRIER DOG, four years old, long legged and ears not clipped. Answers
to the name of Spider and Tiny.- Apply at 15, P-- street, Oxford-street.
We may as well state that our reason for publishing the foregoing
discovery is sheer good nature, the first animal of apparently four
years old we tried our hand on, having nearly taken it off. The best
way is to seize .them by the tail when they're not looking. We are
not of opinion, notwithstanding our efforts, that this dog will be fund,
he having been evidently driven to desperation or suicide through not
knowing exactly whether his name was Spider or Tiny, or which was
his Christian name and which that of his family.
[MARCHI 1, 1873.
"Do you not suspect my ears?"
THE musical critic of .Publi Opinion observed the other day :-
The London Orpheus Quartet acquitted themselves creditably, and in the madrigal
" What ho!" moved a portion of the audience to laughter-no great achievement,
however, for some people are, like the child alluded to by Pope:-
"Pleased with a rattle, and tickled with a straw."
PoPE never in his life could have written a line so utterly unmetrical.
Where was the critic's ear f-not that we wish to tickle it with a straw,
though we suspect" it to be after the eut of Dogberry's, when he
wanted himself writ down."
A GRAVESEND paper has the following:-
1st Kent Artillery Volunteers.
LIEUT. DUDGEON ott duty.
Monday.-Gyn and gun drill at Head-quarters; 8 p.m.; plain clothes.
This "gyn drill" has a most captivating look-spirited young men
with a thirst for military life cannot do better than join the 1st Kent
Volunteers. Entering upon their duties under (far from being in)
Dudgeon, their mouths must water for exercise;-a favourite instru-
ment with the band is no doubt the Old Tom-Tom.
THE Scientifle American discourseth upon matters of diet. It arriveth
at this deep and recondite conclusion:-
The beer and ale drinkers'expand and grow fat, but they are not much given to
profound researches in science.
What fiend in human form has been sending barrels of beer to the
office of the Scientific American ? We ask, because we want his advice
as to sending a hogshead to a journal of our acquaintance.
"TAKE your time frtm me," as the pickpocket, sentenced to three
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 311.
OH land of ceaseless discontent,
Of treason and of wrong;
In vain has all iny care been spent
To make thee sound and strong;
With no disgrace
I yield a place,
Whence honour long has flown!
Take back theuseless diadem, the sceptre, Lnd the throne!
1. This officer
You'll find occur
In many a foreign land-
At Cambridge too ;-
But what they do
I cannot understand.
?. If I were called on to resign
The use of spirits and of wine,
'Twould scarce my mind's contentment ripple,
If I am left this British tipple.
3. This kind of voice
Appears as proper a
Timbre for choice
As there's in opera.
4. I don't approve of Yankifed reporters,
Who go and earwig people in high quarters.
5. When we used to drink to the barley mow,
In many a measure we pledged, I trow;
To learn which I mean you must run through the
From the oceans down to the good brown bowl.
SOLUTIONS OF VALENTINE DOUBLE ACROSTIC:-Saint
Cupid : Sympathetic, Adieu, Imp, Neroltf Tund.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF VALENTINE ACROSTIC, received !9th
February :-Guitar; Peacocks; Sour Lemon; Swellfoot; Suffolk
Dumpling; Alfti; E. E. E.; Gyp; A. E. V.; Charley and Ti;
lodger and Tiney; Fern; Pipekop; Kingston; Birmingham
Buttonmaker; Yerrip; Regnas; Smutty and Patty; Ruby's
Ghost; Spheroid; D. E. H.
To Whom it may Concern.
ILLEGIBLE writers are undesirable acquaintances-
their "characters" are bad.
MARCH 1, 1873.]
THE FABLES OF ZAMBRI, THE PARSEE.
TRANSLATED FROM THE PERSIAN BY DOD GiTLE.
A CERTAIN terrier, of a dogmatic turn, asked a kitten her opinion of
rats, demanding a categorical answer. The opinion, as given, did not
possess the merit of coinciding with his own; whereupon he fell upon
the heretic and bit her-bit her until his teeth were much worn and
her body much elongated-bit her good! Having thus vindicated the
correctness of his own view, he felt so amiable a satisfaction that he
announced his willingness to adopt the opinion of which- he had
demonstrated the harmlessness. So he begged his enfeebled an-
tagonist to restate it, which she incautiously did. No sooner, however,
had the superior debater heard it for the second time than he
resumed his intolerance, and made an end of that unhappy cat.
Heresy," said he, wiping his mouth, "may be endured in the
vigorous and lusty; but in a person lying at the very point of death
such hardihood is intolerable."
It is always intolerable.
A young eel inhabiting the mouth of a river in India, determined to
travel. Being a fresh-water eel he was somewhat restricted in his
choice of a route, but he set out with a cheerful heart and very little
luggage. Before he had proceeded very far up-stream he found the
current too strong to be overcome without a ruinous consumption of
coals. He decided to anchor his tail where it then was, and grow up.
For the first hundred miles it was tolerably tedious work, but when he
had learned to tame his impatience he found this method of progress
rather pleasant than otherwise. But when he began to be caught at
widely separate points by the fishermen of eight or ten different
nations he did not think it so fine.
This fable teaches that when you extend your residence you multiply
your experiences. A local eel can know but little of angling.
Some of the lower animals held a convention to settle for ever the
unspeakably important question :-What is Life P
Life," squeaked the poet, blinking and folding his filmy wings,
"is-." His kind having been already very numerously heard from
upon the subject he was choked off.
Life," said the scientist in a voice smothered by the earth he was
throwing up into small hills, "is the harmonious action of heterogene-
ous but related faculties, operating in accordance with certain natural
"Ah!" chattered the lover, "but that that of thing is vewy
gweat blith in the thothiety of one'th thweetheaht." And curling his
tail about a branch he swung himself heavenward and had a spasm.
It is vita !" grunted the sententious scholar, pausing in his masti-
cation of a Chaldaic root.
It is a thistle," brayed the warrior, very nice thing to take !"
"Life, my friends," croaked the philosopher from his hollow tree,
dropping the lids over his great eyes, "is a disease. We are all
Pooh! ejaculated the physician, uncoiling and springing his
rattle. "How then does it happen that when we remove the symp-
toms the disease is gone?"
I would give something to know that," replied the philosopher,
musingly; but I suspect that in most cases the inflammation remains,
Draw your own moral inference, "in your own jugs."
A LITTLE egotism, unlike a little knowledge, is by no means danger-
ous; we have heard that it does a man good, but, as we have never
taken it in small doses ourselves, cannot vouch for the truth of the
assertion. We are rather in favour of the "whole hog," but draw
the line a little below the Telegraph, which commences a long article
Our special correspondent with Sir Bartle Frere's expedition intended to abolish
the slave trade on the East Coast of Africa-
This was so strong that we were obliged to turn to another part of
the paper without seeing how he got on.
To be kept at arm's length.
A BLUFF old farmer declined the other day to take a sandwich with
a friend at a refreshment buffet. Not for him! he had observed that
the young ladies behind the bar positively handled 'em with a pair
Causes of the Strikes.
No wonder that a spirit of discontent is prevalent ;-there is a B in
A TENNYSON-cunM-ALBERY BALLAD.
I WENT to see thee at the Globe,
I tried thy mystery to probe
But Oh! long talk, bare limbs, rich robe,
Gems seekingg hand or pendant lobe,
Would tire the patience out of Jon,
I saw the lime-light shadows flinging,
I saw black boys, a mattress bringing,
I saw thee to forlorn hope clinging;
I heardthe bells of faerie ringing,
And (out of tune) a chorus singing,
I saw a high-priest sage and hoary,
"Friend WAGGLES struggling with a story,
A youth, in managerial glory,
Striving, in vain, tho' cn more,
As (save the mark!) primo tenore,
I came! I saw I mark'd each word,
Ah, had my visit been deferred
Some better things I might have heard;
But judging from what then occurred,
You seem'd a trifle too absurd,
g5nbst to (6xstsyanzbuzts.
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSX or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
T. H. AND H.-Unfortunately Baden does not rhyme with "Varden,"
so the stanza's not worth a-shall we say "farden ?"
F. (Leeds).-We cannot use the Stanzas to-;" though as you describe
the young lady with azure orbs," you have our sympathy. We always
takeblue (w)ink for preference.
AN ENQ IRuE AFTER TRUTH sends us the results of his acute cogni-
sance." We hope it is not a painful disorder; wouldn't he rather have it
"chronic ?" Are there no hospitals for that kind of thing ?
Ixiox.-We should like to put a spoke in your wheel! Of all the
rubbish that has ever been sent us, yours is the very worst.
(Kennington).-We quite agree with you that "the times are out of
joint," but as it would cost such a lot of money to cook it, at the present
price of coals, perhaps it's best as it is.
ENQUIRaR.-" Take, oh take, those slips away" is generally attributed
to Ben Jonson, who is supposed to have written the words on the back of
his first proof.
G. W.-You and your Ode to Ice" be thawed! Because you want a
skate, must we be crimped with cold ?
J. S. M. (Pimlico).-We don't care to enter into a controversy on the
subject, being quite satisfied on the point ourselves, viz.:-tbat fowls lay
and that you lie. We don't mean anything offensive.
CHOWL&S.-We don't know the Irish language, but we think you will
find if you listen to the descendants of a long line of Irish kings that the
proper pronunciation of the gentleman's name is Brian Bore-you."
AxATEUR.-Our critic still holds to his opinion, with which we quite
Declined with thanks:-Lover of Fun; F., Gardenstown; F. S., Batley;
F. P. W., Cambridge; F. G., Birmingham; G. W., Kingsland; Wallaby;
F. S., University College; J. H., Rochford; -, Eardley Crescent; Toots;
F. C. M1., Sloane-street; R. M., Dundee; H. W.; J. E'. W., Swindon; S,
Leeds; Constant Reader, Bromley; Dick;,R. F., Liverpool; M., Dalston;
IR. T. G.; Miss H., Worcester; Thirsk; Weak-minded Playgoer; Witness-
box; Captain; Brown, Mile End; Y. E. S. H. S. W., Hampstead; D.,
Norwood; Old Subscriber; Drawster; The CurusCnss,; F. G. L.,Pimlico;
Chicken Hazardous; B. N.; Querist; R., Shrewsbury ;,B. T.; S. J., Man-
chester; Boney; G. Roosalem; Placid; P. A. C., F. It, Islington; A.,
Stoke Newington; Symposiac; Wopse and Co.; AS, Smithfield. ,
98 FUN. (MARCH 1, 1873.
NINEVEH, ITS MANNERS AND HABITS.
THE ROTTEN ROW OF THE PERIOD.
We have placed One Million Sterling to the credit of our Mr. 8ketcham, who, with the assistance of the Sublime Porte, is engaged in unearthing
Nineveh. We shall publish the results of his researches from time to time, as received.
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
THE American magazines arrive late this month, when" February's
days are twenty-eight alone." The Atlantic has some very good
papers, an essay on "English folk-songs,'" a dissertation on "Edible
Fungi," and a poem by WHITTIER. Mn. PRENTICE MULPOnD contri-
butes a capital story about A Hunt after Smugglers." A review of
FoRsTERa's Life of Dickens is equally severe on both historian and sub-
ject, but we can scarcely say undeservedly.
The Overland has lately got to fluctuate very much in merit; one
month will be excellent, tie next dreary. This number belongs to
the latter order, having little beyond two short poems, one by Miss
COOLBRITH, to redeem it from utter flatness.
Our Young Folks has not reached us this year.
We have received an example of a Memorial Book, in plainer words
a scrap-book, which is the best thing of the kind we have seen. The
leaves being already gummed, only require to be damped, and a pair
of excellent scissors reposes in a little shrine in the cover, where no
one but the owner would think of looking for them. Of course it is
paged, and there is a copious index ;-in fact the book is complete!
It is of French manufacture, the English agent being MR. ToIRAY of
109, Hatton-garden. i N
THIS CHAMPAGNE WHOLESALE ONLY
TO BE HAD FROM ALL AT
WINE MERCHANTS L U l D LONDON ADDRESS,
LONDON AND COUNTRY. 3 = 6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
36s. GT. TOWER STREET,
36s.PE OZE Q TS. Carte Blanche. Extra Quality dry. TOWER STREET,
PER & CO., P Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dotor' Coo, and Publihed (for Proprietor), aOZEN QUARTS. t 8, Fleet Street, E.C.
Prmted by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.--London, March 1, 1873.
MAC H 8, 1873.1
IN THE DARK AGES.
1. When a crime of more than unusual severity took place, the detectives (of that Period) were speedily on the track of the Suspected Person
2. Who seldom escaped the hands of Justice, 3. and who
AS SOME COMPELi
STATION FOR THE,
RESULTS OP A 1
4. Afternsubjection to sundry indignities, 5. and 6. Sometimes turned out to be the wrong man; in which case a sympathising public would solace him with
handsome (and appropriate) gifts.
Yet, perhaps, after all, it would have been as well to wait till they got the Right Man-as we do now.
OUR'. SHORTHAND NOTES.
HEAVY fall of snow. In London converted into a parochial
exhibition of mud and muddle.= PROFE.SSOR NEWMAN in The Spectator
urges that suicide is in some cases a duty. Well, then, if he thinks
so, why doesn't he do his duty P = Great excitement about our British
race of horses. Why should the far more numerous race of British
donkeys be neglected P = Three verdicts of Death from cold" in one
day! "Alas, for the rarity of Christian charity! "-not Charities,
there's a lot of them. = At the London, Chatham, and Dover meet-
ing, the chairman said "Railway Companies could only succeed by a
general policy of amity." What would become of the poor public if
such a combination was effected != Proposal in the" House of
Commons to reform the Admiralty. All right ;-only the institution
is like the tub which merely required new staves, fresh hoops, and
another bottom, to re-form it.
Two Heads are better than One.
THE New York World says that the EMPraROR OF AUSTRIA has a
collection of criminals' skulls comprising upwards of four hundred
specimens. We don't see any particular reason for praising the
EMPERORt for that. Our prisons boast numbers of people who can
show the nucleus of a similar collection. To be sure, they have only
one criminal's skull apiece, and that not available for purposes of
exhibition until after death.
/ Racy I
A SPORTING friend of ours was awfully disgusted the other day.
Seeing The Races of Mankind" advertised, he at once ordered a
copy, but instead of finding, as he anticipated, an interesting treatise
on home and foreign sport, he only found a lot of goody-goody
writings, having no connection with either the turf or athletics.'",
VOL. XVII. j
100 FUJN. [MAeH 8, 187. '
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 5, 1873.
THE RIME OF THE MODERN SHIPOWNER.
IT is a drownil mariner,
And he stoppeth an M.P.
By thy dank grey beard like wet seal fur,
Now where6fore stopp'st thou me F"
"'the great Club's doors are opened wide,
And I would fare within;-
The members met, the House is set
To spend the nation's tin."
Confound the modern shipowners-
The fiends that I came across !
For a goodly bit she was underwrit-
And they wished the vessel's loss.
The western wave was all a-blase,
The day was well-nigh done ;
Almost departed from our gaze,
Faded the blood-red sun-
When a strange shape from out the haze
Was seen by every one!
Ai4d lo! the sun was flecked with bars,
Thriugh which appeared he pale,
As through the dungeon-grate the tars
Who declined with us to sail.
Alas! cried T, rnd my teeth I ground,
I see how their craft employed's-
To seia out a ship ill-found, unsound,
Besaiin she's insured at LLorn's.
I sa* h fBlWB here redly through
The Mit shis- like a fire.
Is that shipc*er all a do ?
-And is that death, abil can the two
Against poor tars conspire ?
His ships are sped-they're booked at sea,
He looks, that fellow, for gold.
He's on them a good insurance fee
And deuce a bit for the crew cares he
And their dangers manifold.
The phantom bark made never a sound,
And the twain were castirg dice ;
Let the crew be drowned- for the su'iTs found."
Said he and it's worth the price."
The night was calm, though no stars were out,
The leak sprung in the daiar-
'Mid unheard horror, and hopeless shout,
Down wer.t the fatfd birk!
How many lives we're that tine lost
I truly do not kndow;-
But the underwriters paid the cost,--
And the owter won that'throw !
Farewell, farewell, but this I tell
To thee, M.P. distressed,
That you ought to hang one gambling swell
To encourage all the rest!
He preyeth best, whose interest
'Tis to have his vessels founder ;
It doesn't compass his ends to invest
In making those vessels sounder
The mariner, who had been drowned,
Quitted that senator ;-
And our M.P. in thought profound
He trod the House's floor.
He backed-up MA. PLIMsoLL'S plan
To aid our tars forlorn:-
A better and a wiser man,
He did the House adorn !
THE case of TOOLE V. YOUNGE indicates a fresh flaw in our copy-
right statutes : and we must confess we are not surprised to learn it.
The interests of commerce, manufactures or railways, are sure to find
sympathetic defenders and supporters in our assemblage of collective
wisdom; but members of Parliament can scarcely be expected to
recognize the claims of brains! According to the law, authors have
no means of fencing their plots against the depredations of dramatic
squatters. The so-called reason for this is that it is desirable that
such plots should not be lost to the theatre-going public, simply
because their creators have either no wish or no ability to convert
them into plays. This is simply robbery, for a plot is the' most
difficult arid important material in literature;- given that, any number
of skilful writers (as in the case of DunsAs' novels) may be fo6ind to
carry it out. Let us put a parallel case:-what would the land-
owner, the enfant gdti of Parliament, say if, when he had gone to the
trouble and expense of laying down a croquet-lawn, a neighbouting
cricketer should come and pitch wickets on it, because it is not
desirable-however nice croquet may be-that such a capital pitch
should be denied to the cricketing public ?
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE first night of a new piece at the Pi since of Wales's is always a
pleasant event in literary and artistic circles. Mes. BANCROFT on
such occasions may almost be said to receive," so brilliant are the
assemblies that crowd the dainty little house in Tottenham-street.
It is, moreover, almost the only theatre at which a first night is not a
mere dress rehearsal, so perfect is the stage management, and so
admirably does the company work together, and such skilful artists
abi its members. Very fortunate is the author whose lines fall into
such hands. We very strongly doubt whether MR. WILKTE COLLINS's
"drathatic story" of Man and Wife would have succeeded at any
other theatre. It is sortmwhat awkward in construction, and feeble
in dialogue,,and the acts, with the exception of the last, are wanting
in dirhfratic interest. Yet despite these drawbacks we anticipate for
it a prolonged run, thanks to the acting' Which endows it with life
and spirit. MRs. BANcROFT gives to the character of Blanche Lundie
a piquancy all her owh, and makes the author's commonplaces sparkle
as if they were'epigirams. Miss LYDIA FOOTE invests Anne Silv(ster
with grace and interest, and MR. HARE makes the most that could be
made of Sir Patrick Lundie. Ma. BANCI OFT takes the least prominent
part in the piece, that of Mr. Speedwell, the surgeon, but makes it
live by his quiet earnest acting. MR. DEWAR throws an immense
amount of fun into the Scotch waiter, Bishopriggs, a character on
which Mn. COLLINS seems to have bestowed more elaboration than he
has on the others. The ungracious part of Geoffrey Delamayn is will
sustained by Mn. COGHLAN, who looks it to the life-or would it' such
a character were possible in real life. For our part we never heard of
an athlete so general in his loves as to be at once a champion runner
and the stroke of the 'Varsity Eight. MR. COLLINM's aim in the piece
apparently is to kill two birds with one stone, viz. :-Muscular
Unchristianity and theScotch Mariiage law. We don't know how far
he succeeds with the latter bird, but his aim at the former is a trifle
wide-boating men are not seldom reading men too, and occasionally
take an oar in the Class Lists. In concluding our notice of the piece,
we think it is scarcely accessary to add that it is put on the stage
with the greatest taste. The scenery (especially the Library and
Picture Gallery) is thoroughly good and artistic.
If sparkling music, good singing, beautiful dresses, pretty faces,
tastfdiul dancing, and excellent acting are bound to succeed, a
prosperous career may safely be predicted for The Bo'kemians, a piece
in which some of- OFFENBACH'S most O)ffenbachian music may be
found. Ms. HINGsTON has spared no pains to make his house attrac-
tive, and if he does not command success he will get as near it as the
Addisonian standard permits to thie theatrical woeA. The work is
more remarkable for diversity of compilation that for literary ability,
but clever writing is not necessary where the principal attraction
consists of vocal and instrumental music, the rendeiing of which
respectably has been ensured. The plot mainly turns on the
adventures of a troop of strollers who are from time to time joined by
aristocratic novices driven by love, or fear of justice, to disguise them-
selves. These latter personages are played by MESDAMEs CLARY and
Rosa BELL and MR. GEORGE HONEY, whose names are of themselves
sufficient to denote the character of the entertainment afforded by
their exertions. The manager of the strolling company is admirably
rendered by Ma. ODELL, and his "singing lady," MIsS PATTY
LAVERNE, carries off the honours of the evening. A laughable
incidental tragedy entitled The Bravo of Brindisi" is performed by
the Bohemians, and during its progress Ma. HoNEY and MR. DAVID
FISHER have, as spectators, some excellent opportunities of displaying
their peculiar abilities. The remaining parts are all well filled, even
those ladies who possess no particular ability being interesting if only
on account of gorgeous costume and fully-developed and exposed legs.
A ballet in which the Sisters ELLIOTT perform some clever evolutions
is likely to be a feature of The Bohemians, which with its good
orchestra and well-rendered choruses will, we trust, amply repay the
liberal management which has spared neither money nor tasteful
effort in its production.
MARCH 8, 1873.] F U N 101
TEE FABLES OF ZAIMBRI, THE PARSEE. Supposing itself menaced, the timorous member again sprang away,
coming down plump before the horny nose of a sparrow. Here its
(Second Series.) career terminated.
ThANxLATED FROM THn PERSIAN BY Don GRILE. We sometimes escape from an imaginary danger, only to find some
|LXXIV. real persecutor has a little bill against us.
A-tortoise and an armadillo quarrelled, and agreed to fight it out. LXXVI.
Repairing to a secluded valley they put themselves into hostile A jackal who had pursued a deer all day with unflagging: industry
ariay; was about to seize him, whenuan earthquake, which was doing-a little
",Now come on! shouted the tortoise, shrinking into the inmost civil engineering in that part of the country, opened a broad chasm
recesses ofhis shell, between him and his prey:
"All' rig t," shrieked the' armadillo, coiling up tightly in his coat "N~ow here," said he, is a distinct interference with the laws.of
afmail; "-I,am ready for you!" nature. But if we are to tolerate miracles there is an end of all
And thus these-heroes waged the awfulfray from morn till dewy eve, progress."
akles than, ayar'ds distance, There has never been anything like it; So speaking he endeavoured to. cross the abyss at two jumps. lia
their endurance was something marvellous! During the night each fate would serve the purpose of :ai impressive warning if it might be
combatant sneaked silently away; and the historian of the period clearly.ascertained; but the ea Aving immediately pinched together
obscurely albideai. to. the battle as "the naval engagement of the again, the research of the moral investigator is baffled.
future." LXXV I.
LXXV. Ah! sighed a..three-legged stook"if I had only been a.quad-
A heedless bby having flung a pebble in the direction of a basking ruped, I should havrebeen happy as.the day is long--which, on the
lizard, that reptile's tail disengaged itself, and flew some distance twenty-first of June, would be,considerblefelicity for a, stool"
away. One of the, properties of a lizard's follower is to leave the "Ha! look at me, said a, toadstool; "oosider my superior psiw-
main body at the. slightest intimation of danger. tion,, and be content with your-compara1svely, happy lot."
"There goes that. vexatious narrative again," exclaimed the lizard, "I don't discern," replied. the first. "how the contemipla i p o
pettishly; "I neverhad. such a tail in my life! Its restless tendency unipedal misery tends to. allevatQ tripedal wretshidness."
to divorce upon. insufficient grounds is enough to harrow the reptilian "You. doixt, e,! sneered, the toad.stool.. "Yoa mean,. 4ioy9 0 to
soul! Now," he continued backing up to the fugitive part, "perhaps fly in the. face of all the moral and. so.ia pil.elphirs ?"
you will be good enough to resume your connexion with the parent No; not unless some benefactor of his rea, s4Ag impel m. "
establishment." i H'm! I think Zambri the Parseesia tb4.mA-af that kinAly ofrce,
No sooner was the, splice effected than an astronomer passing that my dear.'"
way casually remarked to. a friend that he had just sighted a comet. This final fable teacheathbathe is.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 312.
WHEa Paris sank, in civil strife,
Beneath a rule with rapine rife,
We hoped we ne'er should see again
A sway so vile-but'hp&miNavim
Now in Madrid sedtisfa.deadd
Once more uplifts itvdatefMROibeadI.
1. The philosopher ZENOe
Was famous, as we know.
For considering trouble
A mere empty bubble.
2. 'Tis a new-invented gamI;
I can't tell you whence it came;
But it bears a foreign name.
3. A sceptre of gold in an ivory scroll, l,,' I '
'Mid leaves of a glossy green;-
A plant more graceful, I vow on my soul, C
You have very seldom seen.
4. I should say it meant teal in a general way,
Though certain wise people do call it "convey."
'Tis in SHAKESPEARE, and therefore I scarce can affirm
It ought to be reckoned an obsolete term.
5. If you can dash me off a sonnet
At once upon your fair's one bonnet;
Yours I'll acknowledge then,
A ready writer's pen.
6. They strode in silence o'er the heath
They drew their claymores from the sheath;
The pibroch hrieked and then on high
Arose the Highland clansman's cry.
7. M ODGER his sources of income computes. ..
As the making of speeches, and making of boots. --t E
Now supposing I gave you permission to choose,
Would you lht him supply you with this or with
SOLUTION OF AcROSTIC No. 310.-Queen's Speech:
Quills, Up, Eyesore, Exergue, Narcotic, Slush.
CoaaacR SoLUrIoNs or Ac.os.Ic No. s10, received 26th STICKING UP FOR "THE CLOTH."
February :-Suffolk Dumpling; Slodger and Tiney; Piptkop.
Small "Sunday in" (whose "young mnan" is a Tailor) :-" SURELY YOU
NEVER WALK OUT WITH A SOLDIER! OH "
The Retort Courteous. Large "1 Sunday out" (whose "young man" is in the Guards") :-
CAPTAIN CLAYTON did not give MR. JONES the lie, so SURE-LY I SHOULD THINK I DO! THEY ARE VERY SUPERIOR TO CIVILIANS, OR
says little Phunneman at the club, because he might SNIPs. A SOLDIER'S CLOTHES ALWA-S LOOK RESPECTABLE, VERY DIFFERENT
have returned the compliment by fibbing" him. FROM A COMMON WORKING MAN'S !"
[MARCH 8, 1873.
AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.
lady :-" THERE IS SOME ONE SINGING IN A VERY DISAGREEABLE VOICE DOWN STAIRS, SARAH ; I WISH YOU WOULD STOP IT!"
Barahk:-" 0 mUm, IT'S ONLY MARY PRACTISING SECONDS."
THE (WATER) WORKS OF THE WICKED.
It is perhaps fortunate for the Chelsea Waterworks Company, that,
according to the well-known definition, it is not kickably embodied,
or the indignant toes of the public would be busily employed in
ejecting it from the green bank of the Thames, which it proposed to
render hideous. What, shall the prettiest bit of the river within easy
distance of London be destroyed ? Shall the classic Swan at Ditton
be overshadowed by a reservoir, and the park of Hampton Court be
affronted by an unsightly wall? Not a bit of it! Even that inert
body the Royal Academy flew to arms in defence of the sacred spot.
It is whispered, also, that the First Commissioner of Works actually
thought the proposed work a piece of Vandalism. The Lords killed it!
Seriously, we are glad to see that the matter was taken up
actively by a large committee.of influential and able gentlemen; and
that the press dipped its pen vigorously in nitro-glycerine to blow-
up the plotters against the public, and the people's pleasures. We
'are inclined to suggest that the members of the company should be
besieged at their head-quarters, and allowed no nourishment except
the water which they supply to their customers. If that did not
bring them to a sense of the wrong they intended, nothing would.
THE butchers of Camberwell have held a meeting to protest against
that clause in the Metropolis Building Act which orders the abolition
of all private slaughter-houses. The butchers had better enlist the
sympathies of PROFESSOR NEWMAN. A gentleman, who preaches the
propriety of suicide, will, of course, advocate the cause of those who
wish to kill, themselves.
A wELL-KNOwN pomologist was heard to assert the other day,
apropos of our first parents, that they would have been a happy pear if
it had not been for the medlar.
THE LOVE OF LAW.
THERE was rather a novel action brought lately in the Bradford
County Court by a wool-sorter who wished to recover the cost of a
watch and chain from a damsel whom he had been courting for some
years and to whom, though he had not actually promised marriage,
he had spoken about it on certain occasions." The defendant stated
that the watch was hers because-
The plaintiff had given it to her in love, and what was given in love could not be
taken back in law.
Although in this particular instance love's gift was confirmed by law,
we fear the young woman's acquaintance with the latter was not so
intimate as with the former. A few hours spent in the Divorce Court
would prove to her that law can hardly keep up with its duties in the
way of taking back what was given in love.
WE really wish that The Globe would turn round three times before
it speaks! It begins a leader thus:-
Lord ---- writes verses and accordingly is a poet.
We might just as well say the author of the article writes prose and
accordingly is a leader-writer, or that a donkey utte:s sounds and
accordingly is an articulate-speaking animal.
WE are glad to hear that seven hundred and fifty thousand salmon
eggs have been shipped to the United States to stock the Am-rican
lakes. We are glad to think UNCLE SAM may soon be regarded as
The Dee-use it is Il
\VE see that among the contents of the Art Journal this month,
there is a history of The Dee by DEAN HOWSON. It's rather hard
on The D that the Dean should keep Deeing him.
FU'N .-MARCH 8, 1873.
- ~i7_ ~
THE RIME OF THE MODERN SHIPOWNER.
Dedicated to Mr. Plimsoll.
THx phantom-bark made never a sound.
And the twain were casting dice ; -
"Let the crew be drowned, for the sum is round,"
Said he "and it's worth the price !'
MACH 8, 1873.] FU N. 105
HE was a dwarf, was JUNIPER. About the time of his birth Nature
was executing a large order for prime giants and had need of all her
materials. JUNIPER infested the wooded interior of Norway, where
he dwelt in a cave-a. miserable hole in which a blind bat in a condi-
tion of sempiternal torpor would have declined to hibernate, rent
free. JUNIPER was such a feeble little wretch, so inoffensive in
his way of life, so modest in his demeanour, that everyone was
disposed to love him like a cousin; there was not enough of him
to love like a brother. He,.too, was inclined to return the affection;
he was too weak to love very hard, but he made the best stagger at
it he could. But a strange fatality prevented a perfect communion of
soul between him and his neighbours. A strange destiny had thrown
its shadow upon him, which made it cool for him in summer. There
was a divinity that shaped his ends extremely rough, no matter how
he hewed them.
Somewhere in that vicinity lived a monstrous bear-a great hulking
obnoxious beast who had to more soul than tail. This rascal had
somehow conceived a no-
tion that the appointed
function of his existence '.lU a,,
was the extermination of Ixv'9'''- -
the dwarf. If you met _, 1.':2'1'
the latter you might rely 9 ._' '.
with cheerful confidence I.. t'...
upon seeing the ferocious Pt'Ip"'"lt t. '....
brute in eager pursuit of 'A I
him in less than a minute.
No sooner would Ju.P .rn
fairly accoAt you, looking,
timidly over his shoulder
the while, than the raging
savage would leap out of .
some contiguous jungle
and make after him like a
locomotive engine too late 'N
for the train, Then poor
JU.NIER would streak it '
for the nearest crowd of
people, diving and dodg-
ing amongst thtir shins
with nimble skill, shriek-
ing all the time like a
panther. He was as
earnest about it as if he
had made a bet upon the ,
result of the race. Of I
course ever. lody was too "
busy to stop, but in
his blind terror the dwarf 1.
would single out some
luckless wight- commonly
some well-d cssed person;
J uT N E instinctively
sought the protection of -
the aristocracy- getting
behind him, ducking be- -
tween his legs, surround- .s-- '
ing him, dancing through
him-doing anything to
save the paltry fitch of his
own bacon. Presently the .
bear would lose all pa-
tience and nip the other fellow. Then, ashamed of losing his temper,
he wou'd streak sullenly away, taking along the body. When he
had gone, poor JUNIPER would fall upon his knees, tearing his
beard, pounding his breast, and crying Mca culpa in deep
remorse. Afterwards he would pay a visit of condolence to the
bereaved relations and offer to pay the funeral expenses ; but of course
there never were any frntral expenses. Everybody, as before stated,
liked the unhappy dwarf, but nobody liked the company he kept, and
people were not at home to him as a rule. Whenever he came into a
village traffic was temporarily suspended, and he was made the centre
of as broad a solitude as could be hastily improvised.
Many were the attempts to capture the terrible beast; hundreds of
the country folk would i semble to hunt him with guns and dogs.
But even the drgs seemed to have an instinctive sense of some occult
connection between him and the dwarf, and could never be made to
understand ttat it was the former that was wanted. Directly they
were laid on 1he scent they would forsake it to invest the dwarf's
abode ; and it was with much difficulty the pitying huntsmen could
induce them to raise the siege. Things went on in this unsatisfactory
fashion for years; the population annually decreasing, and JUNIPER
making the rmontmirEculous escapes.
Now there resided in a small village near by, a bra ce of twins; little
orphan girls named JALA- and GNSENG. Their considerate neigh-
bours had told them such pleasing tales about the bear that they
decided to leave the country. So they got their valuables together in
a box and set cut. They met JUNIPER! He approached to inform
them it was a fine morning, when the great beast of a bear rose
like the steam of rich distilled perfume from the earth in front of
them, and made a mouth at him. JUNI'ER did not run, as might have
been expected. He stood for a moment peering into the brute's
cavernous jaws, and then flew! He absented himself with such extra-
ordinary nimbleness that after he was a mile distant his image appeared
to be standing there yet; and looking back he saw it himself. Baffled
of his dwarf the bear thought he would make a shift to get on, for the
present, with an orphan. So he picked up JAT.A by her middle, and
The thankful but disgusted GINSENG continued her emigration,
but soon missed the jewel-box, which, in their alarm, had been dropped
and burst asunder. She did not much care for the jewels, but it con-
tained some valuable papers, among them the Daily Telegraph, and
this she doted on. Re-
.... _turning for her property
--- -h e peered cautiously
..... around the angle of a
rock and saw a spectacle
that begot in her mind
a languid interest. The
bear had returned upon a
.'.- ., similar mission; he was
calmly distending his
S' cheeks with the contents
Slof the broken box. And
perched on a rock near at
hand sat JUNIPER waiting
It was natural that a
suspicion of collusion be-
tween the two should dawn
-upon that infant's mind.
u t It did dawn; it bright-
Sned and broadened into
e a feebl endeao the perfect day ot convic-
part t tion. It was a revelation
n o to the child. "dAt that
moment," said she after-
'wards, "I felt that I
could lay my finger on the
St stre-trained bear in Christ-
endom." But with praise-
i worthy moderation she
i controlled herself and
didn't do it. She just
i stood still and allowed the
beast to proceed. Having
stored all the jewels in his
S p capacious mouth he began
o staking in the valuable
papers. First some title-
tdeeds disappeared; then
h some railway bonds; pre-
si ently a roll of rent-
receipts. All these seemed
to be as hney to his
tongue; he smiled a smile
of tranquil happiness.
Finally the newspaper vanished into his face like a wisp of straw
drawn into a threshing machine.
Then the brute expanded his mouth with a ludicrous gape, spilling
out the jewels, a glittering shower. Then he snapped his jaws like a
steel trap afflicted with tetanus, and stood on his head awhile. Next
he trade a feeble endeavour to complicate the relations between his
parts-to tie himself into a love-knot. Failing in this he lay fiat
upon his side, wept, retched, and finally, fashioning his visage into the
semblance of sickly grin, gave up the ghost. I don't know what he
died of; I presume it was hereditary in his family.
The guilty come always to.grief. JUNIPER was arrested, charged
with conspiracy to kill, tried, convicted, sentenced to be hanged, and
before the sun went down was pardoned. In searching his cavern the
police discovered countless human bones, much torn clothing, and a
mighty multitude of empty purses. But nothing of any value-not an
article of any value. It was a mystery what JuNIPER had done with
his ill-gotten valuables. Ihe police said it was, themselves.
SCHOOLB0os' DanINITO0N or Sranu re' ldoNvm.-The one that "comes
[MARCH 8, 1873.
Shoeblack:-" 'ER, YOUNG 'UN, LEND US YER BROOM AN' YER CAN 'AVE
MY BLACKIN' BRUSHES IN EXCHANGE FOR THE DAY "
Snow-sweeper :-" OH, AR! NOBODY DON'T WANT THEIR BOOTS CLEANED
THIS WEATHER AND THEY DOES WANT THE SNOW SWEP! "
Shoeblack :-" G' LONG! CAWL YERBELF A REPUBLICAN AND HOUJEK TO
AN OCKASHNAL REDISTRIBOOTION 0' PROPERTY! "
WE have all heard of the savage monarch who was presented with
a packet of ginger-beer powders, and who at once mixed all the blue
papers in one goblet and emptied it, and then mixed the white in
another and emptied that. He went off in gas and was succeeded by
his heir. We are inclined to think that the new effervescing
lozenges," prepared by MR. COOPER, of Oxford-street, may be rather
dangerous to carry about, as they might go off in one's pocket if one
chanced to be caught in a shower of rain. Really these new inven-
tions are quite reversing the order of things, we take our soup in solid
squares, and our cooling drinks in lozenge shape. The next thing
will be that we shall go to the butchers for a sirloin of beef in our
own jugs, and lay in legs of mutton in bottles. We see MB. COOPER
has lemonade and ginger-beer lozenges; does he kerp champagne and
sparkling moselle in the same way we wonder It would seem so odd
to get a drappie in your eye through putting a lozenge in your mouth.
We shall be glad to learn also whether a chemist who se'ls the
lozenges on Sunday would be punished under the Licensing Act for
serving customers with solidified Cooper in prohibited hours.
The Mirror is a most remarkable publication. It gives more for a
price too absurd to mention than any of the magazines do for a
shilling; and while giving the cream of contemporary literature by
way of quotation is amply supplied with original matter. We fear
it will spoil the public by giving them so much for their money. We
hope The Mirror will not cause people to reflect on cheap literature.
WE understand that a portrait of the late EMPEROR NAPOLEON has
been added to MADAME TuSSAUD'S exhibition. Once his fame was on
the wane, now it is clearly on the wax.
THE value of the Metropolis Streets Act was vividly shown in
Clerkenwell the other day, when in the midst of a blinding snowstorm
a policeman tramped up and down Baker Street, Lloyd Square, "rat-
tatting vigorously at the doors, and to the delight of a crowd of
street-sweepers 'who followed him, informed the residents that they
must have their doors done down" at once. As in summer time
this street is a very Sahara of dust, and in wet weather a very Slough
of Despond-as in the memory of the oldest inhabitant it has never
been swept or watered in return for the heavy rates levied- it was
suggested by one taxpayer that it would be time enough to clear away
the snow when it had ceased to fall, a suggestion which elicited an
objectionable reply and the threat of a summons from the active and
intelligent officer. This man, whose number we have unfortunately
mislaid, evidently deserves promotion if only on account of the manner
in which he manoeuvred the ragged army, who under his auspices
commenced their useless blackmailing; but we should like to know
whether this strange freak had its ori,;'in at the neighbouring police-
station or emanated from his own fortilu brain for the joint benefit of
self and followers.
Don't you sea ?
AN ingenious youth presented himself at a fancy dress ball in
ordinary evening costume, but described himself as impersonating
Ocean. On being asked how he represented Ocean, he explained that
he had creeky boots.
MRS. PRALAMOP says she sees there is a paragraph in the papers
about BEETHOVEN'S great-nephew. She wants to know if he is cousin
to BaETHOVEN'S Son-srter.
DivEs, it's very kind of you,
Yes, moAt considerate and nice,
To wonder what we poor folks do
With coals at such a fearful price.
You heap your grato with Wallsend rare,
A tiny lamp my bones consoles:-
It's quite a different affair
It's philosophical to talk
Of substitutes for coals, no doubt.
I've tried your recommended chalk-
It put my scrap of fuel out.
One knob of coal is clearly worth
Of theories a bushel whole-
There is no substitute on earth
DIvEs, accept a friendly hint:
We've socialistic dreams improper,
When food and fuel both we stint-
Your chtqae will prove the only stopper.
Why, even rats grow fierce and fight
When starved and frozen in their holes;-
Come, Divws, show us better light,
SI SIC(K) ONES.
WE are grieved to announce the probability of the
immediate outburst, in Ireland at least, if not in the
rest of Great Britain, of a terrible epidemic among
jurors-irritability of stomach. At the last Limerick
Assizes a joror asked to be let off on account of illness.
JUDGE FITZGERALD ordered a Da: MURPHY, who was
in court, to examine the invalid; and he pronounced
that he was suffering from irritability of stomach, due
to the fact that he had taken too much to drink on the
pr evious night. The doctor suggested the exhibition of
a glass of cognac in combination with a bottle of soda
water. The judge ordered the sheriff to supply the
remedy, which was done and the case proceeded; but we
do indeed fear the spread of the disease,-and its cure.
The Cubic Root of the Matter.
THE I)alky Telegraph the other day in a leader asked
"What is to be done with Cuba?" We should say
MAcnH 8, 1873.] FUN 107
THE RACE-HORSE FAMINE. destroy the surplus population, and thereby increase the percentage of
Thoroughbreds. This would alleviate the present distress.
THE present condition of the thoroughbred horse, his scarcity, high Obediently, C. NEAR.
price, general debility, loss of speed, and various other unpleasant-
nesses having become matters of social discussion, and as a committee A
of Peers has just been formed for the purpose of discovering what the Smn,-Although not a racing man I am much interested in the
thoroughbred horse means by such misconduct, we. have thought it discussion on racehorses. I ascribe their present dearth to the
but right to publish some of the correspondence which has been for- scarcity of coals. In the course of my professional expe iences I have
warded to us on the subject. This step is take after mature delibera- discovered that scarcities never come alone. This is attributable to
tion with several eminent turf-writers, and we take it with the greater the fact that nature abhors a vacuum. The remedy I have is not only
pleasure that our own AuGsPUR, who is specially retained at an an obvious one,,but one which will obviate both these great difficulties.
enormous outlay to write on all Eubjects he does not understand, Bimilia similibus curantur, which in the present case means, let all
objects on the ground that we are interfering with his province. But thoroughbred horses be fed on coals, and the result will be surprising.
perish all such selfish considerations, and let us to our duty. Otherwise I am not A HoM(corATinc CHEMIST.
To THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SmI,-Time was when England's racehorse struck terror into the IN PRAISE OF "WINKING."
hearts of his enemies. Wherever he, as I might say, unfurled his flag,
his foes fled like chaff before the breath of a contributor to your paper, MANY men have passed away
and the iron of his hoofs entered deep into their souls. Many, many Whom I should like to see to-day;
years ago, when I was a boy, I remember hearing my father say that CHEOPs, who built the Pyramids;
he had been told by an old racing man's friend once, that the race- ROBINS, tempting men to bids,
horses of a previous day could run two miles in a minute, or a mile in He who gave us Pekoe scented
two minutes, he was not positive which. I am not sure whether they He who side-spring boots invented;
carried 8st. 101b., or 10st. 81b., in those glorious days; but I leave it He who taught the "rule of thumb;
to you, sir, is it not evident from what I have already said, that there is He who first thumped kettledrum;
a shocking and shameful difference between the winners of a previous But, of all, I'll rather drink
age and those of our own time ? Let us hope that the day will yet To him who taught us how to wink."
come when horses shall be no longer scarce, when the poorest of the Sweetest pleasure is 't to show,
poor shall be able to litter down his own thoroughbred at his own Without speaking, what you know;
fireside, after the arduous labours of the day are over, and when the Sweetest triumph, when a creature
horse and his master shall be as inseparable as the noble savage and Smothers guile with oily feature,
his steed of the desert. That this may be done is patent, and I, there- You, with quiet, half-closed eye,
fore, propose- Bid him blandly "By-By-Bye!"
1. That all ordinary animals be immediately destroyed, so as to Greatly triumphed have you when
prevent any possibility of future impurity of strain. Winking, .you have silenced men.
2 That the tax upon racehorses, and all other taxes, be immediately And therefore never fail to drink
abolished, and that large sums be offered annually for the best treatise To him who taught us how to" wink."
on thoroughbreeding. ___ _________
3. That the Licensing Act be extended so as to have a bearing on
this subject. Post hoe, propter hoc.
4. That should a committee of Tattersall'rs ever be found sitting, compilers of short paragraphs would be a little mor
their opinion be at once taken as to which is the better horse, one that the compilers of short paraaphs would be a little more
can run a mile fast or one that can stay at a jog trot over double whichareful they do nosee that intend. Heres are not susceptible of a rendering
the distance. which they do not intend. Here's an instance-
5. That public handicaps be at once put down. Beethoven's great-nephew has embraced the profession of a journalist. The
6. That as man does not come of age until he is twenty-one and Signale says that the family is in a siate of destitution.
sometimes later, and as the deterioration of houses is caused by their The destitution of the family would seem, as this notice reads, to be
being teoo early entered in races, no horse be allowed to run until he the result of the gentleman's becoming a journalist; a suggestion not
has attained his majority, which should be fixed at the age of twenty- complimentary either to his ability or to the profession he has adopted.
For these valuable hints I require nothing, the knowledge that I
have done a good action being sufficient remuneration to, U1sfSt to fpBB ts,
Yours, &c., C. NECKs. r e u .nntd 7r ,,,,i ,7, Seh ,.', ,a .
SiB,-While horses keep their heads above water, the tuif is bound
to flourish. No society on earth is so delightful as that which the turf
affords. Look at me, as an instance of this. Simpletons who write
about the decay of racehorses know nothing at all about it. They
don't decay, they become dogs' meat. The reason for their scarcity is
because of the demand for them. A strange accession of wealth in
this country has created a demand for thoroughbred horses, and
directly there is a demand for anything it becomes scarce. Such is the
inexorable law of supply and demand. Take for instance men
of 6 feet 3 inches who can run two miles carrying a hundredweight.
They are scarce. Men of 5 feet 3 inches who can't carry a hundred-
weight at racing pace two miles are plentiful. Ergo, the redundancy
of men of 5 feet 3 inches causes the scarcity of -fist-class racehorses.
Yours faithfully, BRAVO RousE.
SiE,-The hor.e is a noble animal and very useful to man. But the
day is fast coming when horses will be extinct, all owing to short
handicaps. Short handicaps are the root of all evil. If I had an
animal that wouldn't proceed, do you think I would put him in a short
handicap P-oh, no indeed. I should put him in a cart. No race
should be run over a less distance than ten miles if I had my way,
and betting should be punished severely except when practised by
gentlemen. It is the disgraceful system of paying bets that has ruined
the turf. In the good old days when short handicaps and ready-
money betting were unknown, there wero more racehorses than were
wanted, now there are less. This is the result of allowing plebeians
to participate in patrician pleasures. There is now an average of half
a racehorse to every adult member of the population; my plan is,
ane cano stmpd
panied by a stamped and directed envelope, and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
0. H.-We don't "except the joke "-we take exception to it on the
score of age.
YOUNG CONTRsIBTOn (Bath).-Very young indeed, as you have not yet
contributed. We have an old contributor at Bath, who would, if we
divulged your address, come and shave your head-off!
INQUIURS.-We should like to employ your disappointed bard, but the
poor fellow can't write verse that will scan.
Vmiuxs.-There's less chance of your becoming a Vilikins in, than a
D. (Islington).-" Mark now how plain a tale shall put you down" (as
the man said to his Darwinian Ancestor)-the article you allude to, never
appeared in FUN.
H. G. T.-Send your name and address and the question shall be
T. P. O'H. (Park-street).-If you would feel "obliged for the return of
the MS. if declined," we should feel obliged if you would attend to our
aule. The MS. is sacrificed, by us; the stamp by you, for it was too effec-
tually stuck to your letter to be available-even for charity!
Declined with thanks :-Occasional Reader; Very Appropriate; T. B.,
Howden; G. C. W., Tynemouth; A. W., Greenwich; H. M., Dudley;
H. J. T., Pownall-road; D., Leatherbead; C. L. W., Bath; E. R. T.,
Whitehall-place; J. C.; A Bachelor; J. B. T., Brixton; King-coal; E. WV.,
Gateshead-on-Tyne; H. T. L. B., Hastings; C. L., Strend; G. G., Ports-
down road; C. G. C., St. Paul's; G. H:, Bow; W. H. G., Cardinal Villas;
Hoop de Doodendoo; R. W.; G., Kingston; F. L., Liverpool; Aucient
Subs; M., Leeds; Mrs. R-.; J. B., Surrey-street; -, Clipstone-street;
Thames Dittonist; Bobby; F. D., Islington; Mi. B. J., Dalaton; A Reader;
D. T. C.; M. A., Oxon; Flutist; R., Edinburgh; S. T., Basingstoke;
Jones the Avenger; B. B.; Blanketeer; F., Southsea; D. D., Leeds;
W. L. F., Shoreditch; Nomad.
[MAin 8, 1873.
NINEVEH, ITS MANNERS AND HABITS.
SARDANAPALUS ON THE LIGHT FANTASTIC.
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
THOSE who have followed MR. FARJEO'S powerful story, London's
Heart, in the periodical in which it appeared originally, will be glad
to welcome it in three-volume form, and knit up the ravelled leavee"
which is the inevitable result of periodical publication. Those who
have not yet made the acquaintance of the novel have a treat in store
for them. Mr. FARJEON shows no sign of flagging, and the story is a
worthy successor of Joshua Marvel. We could wish that at
an early opportunity he would take up again and complete the
thread of interest which ran through that remarkable tale, Blade
MESsRS. COLLINGRIDGE are untiring in their efforts to improve that
most useful work, the City Directory; but we doubt whether they were
able to find much that could be altered in, or added to, the edition of
last year. At any rate the present issue is worthy of its predecessors
no less than its projectors.
Wrong again !
Ma. EDMOND BEALES, M.A., has been speaking at a public dinner at
Cambridge, and is reported by The Globe to have made the following
He might, with Goldsmith, say of his native town:-
Where'er I roam, whatever realm I see,
My heart, untrammell'd, fondly turns to thee.
To which we have simply to observe that he might not-at any rate
with GOLDSMITH, because GOLDSMITH did not say anything of the kind.
What GOLDSMITH did say was -
Where'er I roam, whatever realms to see,
My heart uutravelled fondly turns to thee.
And GOLDSMITH addressed this to his brother not to his native town.
We do not know whether the blunder is due to The Globe or to MR.
BEALES-possibly both may "divide the crown"; but we do protest
seriously against garbled quotations from standard English works.
TO BE AD FROM ALL
LONDON AND COUNTRY.
PER DOZEN QUARTS.
6, FOWKES BUILDINGS,
GT. TOWER STREET,
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for t!'e Proprietor), at 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-London, March 8, 1873.
Carte Blanche. Extra Quality dry.
MARon 15, 1873.] FU N. 109
THE WICKED WORLD.
I'vz had my sorrow, I've had my bliss;
I've made successes, I've met defeats;
SAnd my experience comes to this-
To balance bitters, you'll find the sweets,
And in spite of the blame against it hurled,
It's not so bad, is this 'wicked world. 7
We have our hobbies-aye, one and all;
And hobbies are skittish beasts at best, 7
And not sure-footed-they're apt to fall t -
At the very first hedge, if too hardly priest;
But, pr'ythee, friend, should it chance you're purled,
Don't lay all the blame on the wicked world.
If you've loved a maiden with golden locks, .
And learn too late they take on' and off;
Don't preach, like old 2Esor's fabled fox,
That female beauty is all a scoff;-
There are many, be sure, of "the darlings curled,"
Who wear their own hair, in this wicked world.
If ever a friend, you have trusted long,
Should fail on trial, and prove untrue,;
Don't think all friendship is false and wrong;
But closer cling to the faithful few;
Nor against mankind be your flag unfurled-
There are loyal hearts in this wicked world.
Through light and darkness, through shade and
This orb in its fated circle rolls;
Its path was fixed by a hand divine,
As paths are meted for human souls; i
Not random, as balls are at billiards twirled, st o
R-volves on its axis this wicked world. ______
Then bear your punishment well, and smile ;
You'll have to suffer, but don't despond; ;
For after all it is but for a while,
Till we lift the curtain and pass beyond!
Though dark the waves that are round you swirled, 0 ,, th cnl-o o h
There's a better to follow this wicked world. ...
A CONTEMPORARY informs us that "in France there
are 252,253 drinking shops." He might as well have Doctor, feelingly :-" PULSE v Y fAIR, BUT THE TONGUE VERY FOUL,-
told us also what these shops drink, and if they ever take VERY FOUL TONGUE, INDEE "
too much of it. [It had been heard to that efet on the previous night.
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES. IN-FUR-ENTIAL.
THE Treasury Auditor has disallowed the three thousand pounds THE following amusing incident is reported in The Daily Telegraph
odd spent by the Metropolitan Board of Works on the seats for the as having occurred in the recent case of MoxoN v. PAYNE :-
Vestries on Thanksgiving Day. Case of a Board of Works of Mr. Locock Webb adverted to the cause which led to Mr. Payne's withdrawal
Supererogation. But what will the British Vestryman say P = We from the business, one of which was that Mr. Tennyson had transferred the publi-
are told that MR. BATEMAN gives the author of Charles I. a retaining cation ofhis works to another firm.
fee on the sole condition that he does not write for any theatre Mr. Higgins, Qc.: And then you wrote and asked for the sealskin jacket to be
fee on the sole condition that he does not write for any theatre returned ? (Laughter.)
except the Lyceum. MR. BATEMAN is a benefactor of society. = The Vice-Chancellor: What is that?
WALT We rTMAx has had an attack of paralysis, the result of malaria Mr. Higgins said when Mr. Tennyson served the defendant with a notice that be
contracted during the war. And yet none of the doctors recognized should withdraw his works, Mr. Payne wrote back saying that, as he had forwarded
contracted during the war. And yet none of the doctors recognize a seal far jacket to Mrs. Tennyson as a compliment for her interest in certain
his poems as symptoms of the disorder It appears MR. AYRTON arrangements which he hoped had been concluded, and as it turned out that the
instead of building the Law Courts makes the site available for carpet- present was sent under mistaken apprehension, it might be retained as an
beating. He has a natural sympathy with those who are "carpeted" equivalent for what was due, or, if returned, then the sum due would be paid.
and kick-up a dust. = MR. LISOL obtains a Royal Commissin to it was returned.
and kick-up a dust. = M. P so obtains a Royal Commission o The Vice-Chancellor: A sealskin jacket would cost about twenty guineas, and
inquire into the evils of the Mercantile Marine. Wouldn't the it was a very liberal gift: I think Mr. Payne made a mistake in asking for the
iniquitous shipowners like to scuttle him! At a Coroner's Inquest, return of the jacket.
juror refused to serve because it was "a police case," and he had an We wonder the Vice-Chancellor did not see that the real view was
animus against the police. And yet all the police had done to him that when the arrangements had gone so fur-if we may use that
was to enter his house, carry him to the station on a stretcher and term-the jacket was supposed to seal the contract.
charge him with drunkenness in order to stop his licence. If these
objections are to be entertained what will become of the liberty of
-the police? = Some of the Communists deported to New Caledonia Tooke-conceited.
have disappeared, and it has not yet been ascertained whether they A GENTLEMAN who signs himself TRoMAs ToiE, of Omoe, Australia,
have effected their escape as stowaways on board ships, or in the writes to The Times about the Tichborne Trial: -
interiors of local cannibals. The report adds that some of the deported The Attorney-General towards the conclusion of his address, February. 1872, is
having had an offer of commutation declined to leave the country, reported to have said,-"He (i.e., the Claimant) admitted ......that he had been
"the climate was so delightful." Surely the pleasure is as sweet of intimate with Tooke (sic), who was hung for murder." The Attorney-General has
being eaten as to eat! said that I "was hanged for murder." I never was tried for or charged with
ein een S 0_ _murder, manslaughter, or any such crime; thanks be to God! I am alive and well
Contradictory. Surely ToxE is mis-Tooke in taking TooKxE for TO KE when there is not
WHEN should a game at billiards cease ?-When the balls are broken, a Skilly-ton of a resemblance between their names or their occupations.
[We submit this with all humility to the Morning Advertiser critic It would be rather hard if, because we happened to mention that
who discovered that now and then the balls alter their specific Smithers was hanged for murder, all the Smiths wrote to say they
gravity.] were never charged with any crime and were alive and well.
VOL. XVIc. K
[MA'eK 15, 1873.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 12, 1873.
JUSTICE FOR IRELAND.
Suns, what-is itinow you'd be at,
The divvle a grievance you've got, that'iflat!"
But the want I'll go bail
You not long will bewail,
For your Members will look after that-
They will shortly supply it you fat!
That the Premier toaid, you'll consent i..,
He wishes to see you at last content:-.-
But these clever.M.P.'s,
If they see you're,at ease,
Agrjievance are sure to invent-
For,.disorder they like to foment.
Never heed all the arts they employ,
YoutnIleqaure-and peace to-annoy:--estr oysr.
For, they do it, 'tis. known,
Fc@r some ends of their own,
Andifprroffice,are never too coy-
They wilijump like a child with a toy.
So never you mind if they rat,
They'll presently meet with a tit for tat;
For 'tis Erin's darkhour
Whe4 the Tories hold power,
S Qyou'oi'just take a hint-verbuti sat-
QOcyoIe lnmberasnmay bring youito that!'
MA PLIMSOLL deserves the-thanksof the country. No oneuin this
island surrounded by "a silver sea can be insensible to the immense
good he has effected for our brave sailors, whom avaricious or heedless
shipowners have got into the habit of expending as if they were old
canvas or rotten spars. By his book, which is put together in a way
to shame professional book-builders by its clearness and simplicity,
Ma. PLIMsoLL has roused the nation to a sense of the wrongs of our
seamen; and once roused, the nation is not likely to let the subject
rest until it has been thoroughly settled by the Royal Commission
granted by the Government more readily than might be inferred
from the speech of MR. CHICHESTER FoRTEscuE, who on this occasion
proved to be the worst-informed member, as he is always the worst
speaker, on the Liberal side of the House. MI. PLIMSOLI's book is a
far more trustworthy authority than the Minister at the head of the
Board of.Trade; and we can honestly advise those who have not read
it to lose no time in obtaining it. A more terrible or truthful record
of the evils, which a thirst for gold can make men capable of com-
mitting, it would be impossible to find.
"Nobody knows as I know."'
THE Birmingham Daily.Post is better posted-up in Spanish history
than most people. It recently observed :-
The abdication of the King of Spain is now confirmed. King Amadeo persists in
taking the only step consistent with his honour, and Spain may live to regret the
loss of the one ruler who for nearly a. century has honestly endeavoured, to
govern within the limits of the Constitution, who has never listened to the.base
insinuations of the Camarilla, who has never been the tool of a faction, and on
whose personal honour scandal has never breathed.
We had no idea that Amadeus had been on the throne for a century;
-but then we are not acquainted with the Brummagem History of
THis looks like playing it low down ":-
RkVELLER.-WANTED, by an old-established wholesale house for the
Eastern Counties, a traveller who has been in the habit of calling upon drapers
and milliners on the ground.-Address by letter --.
Are drapers and milliners in the Eastern Counties given to dissipated
habits, and is this traveller required to wait on themwhen they are
most likely to be liberal minded ? The only time we ever call upon
people on the groundjis when we knock them down-as we often do
our contributors,! notwithstanding our incessant good nature-and
then we call on. them. to get. up and have. some more. Casual
correspondents please note....
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE:
THosE people who have only heard, by oral tradition, of The Jealous
Wife, and who know nothing but what they have been told of its
excellences and the opportunities given by it for good acting,, must be
considerably surprised by its present representation at the Court
Theatre, and must wonder at the easy manner in which our progenitors
were satisfied. They should, however, before. giving way to has'y
judgment remember that things are not always what they seem; and
indeed The Jealous Wife of the Court-Theatre is but tee shadow of
COLMAN's famous comedy. Its present sub-editor and re.arranger has,
for reasons peculiar to himself, cut out the best part of the play by
reducing it from five acts to three. Perhaps he means to set what
does not now appear as jewels in his next original composition. Per-
haps he thought he had better save good work from the demolition of
bad acting, and so only left the skeleton. But whatever may have
been his reason, we now have a five act comedy reduced, sadly shorn of
its strength in the process of reduction, and played by a company
which represents about the dullest dead level of mediocrity it is possible
to imagine. We do not wish to blame actors and actresses who are
thrust into parts for which they are unfitted, and so shall not enter
into a disquisition as to their relative wants of merit, merely contenting
ourselves with the remark that MR. RIGHTON has evidently confounded
the characters of Major Oakly and General Tom Thumb, and that Miss
BELLA MOORE acts like clockwork. The burlesque of The Happy Land,
which follows, is m uinly noticeable for the appearance of the giantess
MIss:HELEN BARRY, for the clever impersonation by MEssRs. RIsHTON,
FISHER, and HILL, ot three prominent members of our popular govern-
ment, andfor a variety of sharp home-thrustswhich are heartily relished,
and which show that in dramatic work-so far at all events as it is
connected with politics-there is no necessity to borrow from foreign
sources., Miss LITTON publishes her pleasure at Mn. W. S. GILBERT
-who is, by the way, described as author of The Wicked World and
of MRc. J. B. BUCKSTONE "-having given his special sanction" to
The.wappy Land burlesque. We wonder what MR. GEORGE COLMAN
would say to that upon his work.
A change in the programme of the Royal Polytechnic, aptly entitled
-by the Directors, not by us-" Lenten Entertainments," introduces
one or two new features, amongst which we can scarcely include a
lecture on Fuel," as it appears to us to bear a strong family resem-
blance (except in the wind-up) to the Christmas lecture on Plum
Pudding. It is, however, only fair to add that a lecture including
among other experiments the melting of horse-shoe nails is quite as
applicable to Fuel as to a Plum Pudding. We are glad to see that the
old tradition of "Amusement and Instruction" is still carried out,
with this unimportant difference, that much of the amusement is dull
and a good deal of the instruction is amusing. Some of the "novel
and beautiful diagrams in the "new and interesting astronomical
lecture "The Worlds Above" were really humorous:-there was for
instance a diagram of this world (admitted for the nonce among those
above") on which we were glad to see that a ruling providence had
ruled the degrees of latitude and longitude. While a young lady sang
-very well-the appropriate melody of" Angela ever bright and fair,'
a gallant ship, quite as large as the continent of Europe, sailed round
the globe, discovering with ease both the North and the South Poles,
until it came within the range of vision indicated by a line drawn
from the summit of a tower, about as tall as South America, to the
earth's surface. This attempt to prove the rotundity of the world and
confute MR. HAMPsDEs would have been more effective, had it not been
that, owing to the immense scale on which it was carried out, the
vessel's bowsprit was the first thing to show above the horizon. At
the end of the lecture came an allegorical tableau. Night and Morn-
ing, with peculiar and beautiful dioramic effects "-we. quote from
the programme-" invented and adapted by DR. CRaoFT," who will, we
trust, lose no time in pre-cribing for "the rising sun who seemed
to us to be suffering from scarlet fever. We must not omit to mention
that Miss PULHAM in addition to "Angels ever bright and fair" also
sang In verdure clad," but whether in reference to the phases of the
moon or the orbit of the globe we forget.
A Raleigh-ing Point.
THE Weekly Dispatch winds-up its account of the launch of The
Raleigh in these touching words:-
Shortly after the final mooring had been effected an elegant lunch was provided,
and with the assistance of the champagne which was handed about in great profu-
sion, the visitors returned to town.
As the launch took place at Chatham in the Medway, and not in the
open sea, we are a little puzzled to think what terrible ordeal the
visitors had gone through, to render them incapable of returning to
town "without the assistance of champagne, handed about in great
profusion." We honestly admit that under, similar circumstances a
similar treatment of our case has generally very much tangled our
re-migration to the metropolis. g
MARCH 15, 1873.] F U N I
PRETTY BOB-BISH! N. E. W. S.
LORD ROBERT MONTAGU has never by the exhibition of excessive WHEN the wind is in the East,
wisdom caused .his friends any anxiety as to the possibly'injurious I feel like over-driven beast;
effect of such a mental strain. In fact, as a rule, we imagine they When the wind is in the West,
wish his wisdom were a little strained, for it is remarkably muddy at I would in waterproof be drest;
times. Last week his lordship was:'good enough to express, what When the wind is in the North,
probably appeared to him to be opinions, on the Irish Education Bill, I very seldom venture forth;
and he is reported by the Daily Telegraph to have treated the house to But when the wind is in the South
this remarkable bit of history:- A smile adorns my lovely mouth.
One examiner might think that Henr 'VIT'wakthoegreatest king that England
had ever produced, because he ittedtRbibin, Hood(toilthe back, was a good shot,
and was a jully good Iellow-(aht lhter)-utztinther examiner might hold a Another German Clergyman in trouble.
totally different opinion.
How HENRY THE EIGHTH ild at'brfthd'thek'the famous outlaw A GERMAN clergyman has been committed for trial at Clerkenwell
who was a contemporary c.(' RIOnBAD IHE FIRS? we do not under- Police Court for stealing two pairs of stockings and a pair of drawers.
stand :-but then LORD I,.oEarT so often says things dnti.,t y can under- A police officer proved one or two"previous convictions against him;
stand. If there were a conipttive1afattniaoin 'ffrpeerages we fear and a bricklayer swore to seeing-him'takethe stockings, which wroe
his lo dship would never rg4fntdtfhe U pperd Hiouse on his history, found on him. The report contifittes as follows :
about which we think it:mRiiBtllyitul' exUlhitetrs would hold a totally The prisoner said he was a clergyman f- the German Chtfrch, and as a man of
different opinion from his! education he ought never to have bee"'cehatted as a felon. On the day in question
Sohe felt desirous of changing his stockihtssnd'1l Iers,"and therefore he could not
... deny that he had appropriated" thtetbings nmietib6d in the charge, 'but be
Ohe, tl#Jn'm1iBSt3hatik(atSy ). intended to pay for them. He did not dhiBideWtihat'h&had done amounted to a
theftj'orf.the things were publ...,y rtr-s.d,'.i were n Crt t te- pra, on 1.) ..
Da. TIDY has just revseddi4idyjob. -I14hatdliscoverad hundreds thtead6ibjthat were passing. He, was i l*..r riv.r,"-and Ie to:.k thb ilht.
of boxes of figs:- 'iS6i'th4a'tfAiCmneo a lesson," for he -oughbt tn,?'proprieurs of tieshebopsirequr.
Firs which are full of mindtotirtrtsed prinilpall y'ithe manufacture of jam,I ft6 ", l-oi."
a little fine seed being added|in'jJrder'aWiv6 it theappeiaence of having be n pre- LT-he'OkftSof-t B HSsBEL is already bt~lng'g ruit;-the' prisoner
pared from good fruit. Some hofitfbiltetpeurean tatders'"consider the addition. aihittiy#fatIgrtes from it that 'as'hsbe was'-a' -t tlan clergyman he
of common giue de igtour, whichently boiled andtttittu ted with the'Spoilt ausghsfieb tcgbe6charged as ifelbt." is exStbp) will possibly be
figs, produces a most toothabmeanddeleetable "eiltoi." 'to ask)5fr it'-iutions froged .tashe'lbi ogiad a b phiosg-ltdte"r so
No wonder children make' usd ry fae Itd hencurged to take their .fithepWs.Now then, "il/felpiqp tarilwup.those' snbctrip-
powders in jam. The suppdedrdplliative isrlMly an-waggravationt o I
the horror. We trust thaitthbreiisbtill9wome jam to'be bought which ti2 vtr cup i
is not a figment,:or'.theVpt splettisl.ixideedrglue-my! We might as
well have that atre0dxflletpotfidpholteiailde jam at once. Coos LAmtir WokVW ngr tpiMtlkah.
DOUBLE A OSSICTt, -to. 313.
'Ni^oivoi trok1'thidtime pernhit
-lMSoT'forhber less -han her return :
-'+t6 lshall you shield, our seamen brave
.Tippling Trrus, I suppose,
called his nasal knob a nose;-
'Twas exactly the affair
That an elephant might wear.
2. When the peelers
Pounce upon some mansion sly-
Well, they call it
This But I can't tell-you why.
3. When Monsieur his assent would reveal,
He says "little"-it means a good deal!
4. Of all the so-called comic songs
In music-halls rehearsed,
The class to which this name belongs
Is probably the worst.
5." A voice, and nothing more "-I'm no romancer,-
But here's the question;-will it ever answer ?
6. This, MR. LEE
Will let you see
In tanks, unless I err, pent
At Brighton, where
You'll it declare
A sort of young sea-serpent.
7. Long may this science cure
The ills which men endure.
SOLUTION OF AcRosTIC No. 311 :-Spain, Crown:
Syndic, Porter, Alto, Interview, Nipperkin.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC, No. 311, received 5th March:-
T. Gateshead; Chibrabos ; Ruby's Ghost; S. A. T.; Spinaker;
Nuf; A Duffer in the Owl; B.
TAKEN ON TRUST."
What Nip said as plain as ever he could speak :-" AR, Miss CHERRY, Ir'S
'ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU TO SAY 'NAUGHTY DOG! BUT SUPPOSE YOU WERE
OBLIGED TO BALANCE YOUR TOFFEE ON YOUR NOSE EVER 80 LONG BEFORE YOU
MIGHT EAT IT P "
112 FUN [MAcH 15, 1873.
Aunt Grace:-" MY DEAR CHILDREN, YOU WILL ALL BE PLEASED TO HEAR YOU HAVE GOT A NEW BROTHER "--
Small son and heir :-" OH, HOW AWFULLY JOLLY !LET MB BE FIRST TO GO AND TELL MAMMA!"
THE END OF A FRAY.
WELL, I'll meet you in the field,
If so dire your dudgeon!
If you can't the rapier wield,
Must you have a bludgeon ?
"You prefer it," you reply-
I'll not grumble, certe;
Still, if you prefer it, why
Must the stick be dirty ?
Well, come on! I murmur not,
Nor will quail depend on't-
But that stick-observe you've got
Hold of the wrong end on't.
"You can wash your hands "-well, yes !
Only let me show you-
If your hands were clean, I guess,
Nobody would know you.
The Grey Mare.
OUR friend GREENBERRY who has been put-up to the correct tip for
the Oaks goes about whistling softly "Fillies is my only joy." We
only hope that in the long run his pocket will not prove empties and
fillies very much alike.
THE Morning Post comments thus upon a blot in our Parliamentary
The interest taken by the House of Commons in the financial expen diture o
the country and the national defence was illustrated last night, when the attend-
ance of hon. members at one time was as low as eleven ; or, in other words, of the
656 members of the House, all more or less pledged by electioneering addresses to
keep a watchful eye on the spending departments of the Government, 645 were
absent! For a long time the Minister of War was the only member of the Govern-
ment present, while the Opposition was represented by Sir J. Pakington and
General Sir Percy Herbert, the member for South Shropshire.
It would be well for the public to insist that a regular roll-call should
be kept, and that the time of its servants in the House should be as
closely kept as it is in warehouses, factories, and offices. This would
be horribly unpleasant to the miem ers of the jolliest Club in the
world; but as the House of Commons was not entirely established as
a jolly Club, perhaps constituencies might be allowed a word on the
A Sell for the Bird.
A CORRESPONDENT of Science Gossip states that he has found-
A deserted bird's nest in which a bee had taken up its abode and had built a
waxen cell therein.
He does not go on to explain what was probably the true solution of
the phenomenon ;-that it was the nest of a wax-bill, and that the bill
being overdue, the bee was trying to meet it. Perhaps MR. FANKx
BUOKLAND will advise-" if not, how otherwise."
]-U JIN.--MARCH 15, 1873.
JUSTICE FOR IRELAND.
Mr. G. :-" WELL, PAT, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW ? "
fat:--"BEGORRA, IT'S DEPROIVEB I AM AV ME WRONGS INTOIRELY. DIVVLE A GRIEVANCE 'LL YE BE AFTER LAVIN' ME."
Ar. G. :-" OH, LEAVE IT TO YOUR REPRESENTATIVES IN THB HOUSE, AND IF THEY CAN'T FIND ONE THEY 'LL INVENT IT."
MAfc 16, 1873.] FUN. 1 115
FOUR JACKS AND A KNAVE.
IN the "backwoods" of Pennsylvania stood a little mill. The
miller appertaining unto this mill was a Pennsylvania Dutchman-a
species of animal in which, for some centuries, sauerkraut has been
usurping the place of sense. In HANS DONNERSPIEL the usurpation
was not complete; he stiil knew enough to go in when it rained, but
he did not know enough to stay there after the storm had blown over.
HANs was known to a large circle of friends and admirers as about
the worst miller in those parts; but as he was the, only one, people
who quarrelled with an exclusively meat diet continued to patronise
him. He was honest, as all stupid people are; but, he was careless..
So absent-minded was he that sometimes when grindingiomebody'a
wheat he would thoughtlessly turn into the hopepe'" a hag of rye,-a.
lot of old beer bottles, or a basket of fish. Thi.-mada,the flour so,
peculiar that the people about there never knew what it was to be well,
a day in all their lives. There-were so many looaldiseases in that
vicinity that a doctornfrom twenty miles away.couldinoathave killied'a
patient in a week;
HANS meant well,.but he had- a hobby-a hobby- that her did.not
ride; that does not express it: it rode him. It spurred.him, ao;hardi
that the poor wretch could not pause a minute to see, what, he was-
putting into his mill. This hobby was the purchase oft jackasses.
He expended, all.his. income, in this diversion, and hisamill wasfairly.
sinking. under its weightP'
of mortgagp&-, He had, -' ,.
more jackasweathanhe had
hairs on, his head,,and, as
a ruila they. wereT thinner.
He wa,. no. mexe:amateur
colloatcrx., either, but a
shyl, discriminating con-
noissew, He would buy
a fat globular donkey if he
could not:do better; but
a lank shabby one was the
apple of his eye. Hefrolled
such a.one,. asit were, like
a sweet, morsal undeo his
HANS's nearest neigh-.
hour was a worthless
young scamp named Jo
GARVEY, who lived mainly
by hunting and fishing.
Jo was a sharp-witted
rascal without a single
scruple between himself
and fortune. With a tithe
of HANS's industry he
might have been almost
anything; but his dense
laziness always rose up like
a stone wall about him,
shutting him in like a toad
in a rock. The exact op-
posite of HANS in almost
every respect, he was
notably similar in one: he had a hobby. Jo's hobby was the selling
- One day while HANs's upper and nether mill-stone were making it
lively for a mingled grist of corn, potatoes and young chickens, he
heard JOSEPH calling outside. Stepping to the door he saw him
holding three halters to which were appended three donkeys.
"I say, HANs," said he, here are three fine animals for your stud.
I have brought 'em up from the egg, and I know 'em to be first class.
But they're not so big as I expected, and you may have 'em for a sack
of oats each."
HANS was delighted. He had not the least doubt ini the world that
Jo had stolen them, but it was a fixed principle with him never to let a
donkey go away and say he was- a hard man to deal with. He at
once brought out and delivered the oats. Jo gravely examined the
quality, and placing a sack across each animal calmly led them away.
When he had gone it occurred to HaNs that he had less oats, and no
more asses, than he had before.
Tuyfel! he exclaimed, scratching his pow; "I puy dot yack-
asses, und I don'd vos god 'im so mooch as I didn't haf 'im before-
ain't it ? "
Very much to his comfort it was, therefore, to see Jo come by, next
day, leading the same animals.
"Hi!" he shrieked, "you springs me to my yackasses! You gif
me to my broberdy back! !"
0, very well, HANs. If you want to crawfish out of a fair bargain
all right. I'll give you back your donkeys, and you give me back my
Yaw, yaw," assented the mollified miller; "you bis von honest
shentlemans as I vos efer vent anywhere. But I don'd god ony more
oats, und you most dake vheat, eh ? "
And fetching out three sacks of wheat he handed them over. Jo
was proceeding to lay these upon the backs of-,the animals,: ba.fthis
was too thin for even HANs.
Ach! you tief-veller ; you leabs dis yackasses in me, und go right
avay off.; other I gebust your hot mid a gloob, don'd it ?"
So JosEPH was reluctantly constrained to hang the donkeys to
fence. While he did. this HANs was making a desperate attempt to-
think.. Presently he-brightened up :
Yo, how you coom,.by dot vheat all de dime ?"
"Why, old mudhead .you gave it to me for the jacks."
"Und how, you coomnby. dot oats pooty soon avhile ago ?"
S"Why, I gave that -to you for them.?" said JssEPH, pressed very
hardfor a reply.
Vll, den(you. goes vetch me back to dot oats so. gwicke-as a
lamb gedwinkle hi&adail-hay ? "
"All right,. HAN& Lend me the donkeys.to. carry, off my wheat,.
and I'll bring:back your. oats on 'em."
JosEPH was, beginning to despair, but no objection beingm da-! he.
loaded up the grain and made off with his docile caravan.., Itha..haf,
hour he returned-with the donkeys, hutfpf course without anythingaelse.
"I zay, Yo, whereiis dia oats I hearzo.-nooch dalk abonudiatii?"-
0, ( u'rs you andlyour
oatal" growJed Jku. with
bargain hame.dacidednot -
to. trade, Take young old
donkeys andh call it
"Dan here mine heat
"Now, look here, HANS;
that. wheat is yours, is
Yaw, yaw l"
d J"And the donkeys are
"Yaw, yaw !"
"And the wheat's been
yours all the time, has
Yah, yaw !"
"Well, so have the don-
keys! I took 'em out of
your pasture in the first
place. Now what have
you got to complain of F
AThe Dutchman reflected
all over his head with his
Gomblain P I no gom.
blain yen it is all right.
I zee now I vos made a
mistaken. Coom dake a
Jo left the animals standing and went inside, where they pledged
one another in brimming mugs of beer. Then taking HAs by the
"I am sorry," said he, "we can't trade. Perhaps some other day
you will be more reasonable. Good-bye!"
And JosEPrn departed-leading away the donkeys!
HAEs stood for some moments gazing after him with a complacent
smile making his fat face ridiculous. Then turning to his mill-stone
he shook his head with an air of intense self-satisfaction:
"Py donner! Dot Yo GaFEYv bees a geen, shmard yockey, but he
gon'd spiel me svoppin' yackasses!"
We have heard of deaf musicians, and one-legged dancers, but this,
extracted from the Western Daily Press, is a novelty:-
WANTED, a good BLIND PAINTER.-Apply to E. J. G-, &c.
We wonder whether the advertiser means a colour-blind painter, who
would be able to work by candle-light without mistaking blues for
greens and so on-in short, whether when he asks for a blind painter,
he does not intend a seein' painter for a theatre!
A coPRESPONDENT writes to enquire whether Buffaloism is the same
as Odd-Fellowship. We believe it is quite a different Bison-ness.