i P AN A
F NOW T
1 MAT A
PUBLISHED" (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFITT,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.
FUN was seated at his desk, revolving in his capacious mind the various great schemes he has conceived for the benefit
of the world; when his meditations were disturbed by a clamour outside his study-door.
The growling of his qld and intimate friend the British Lion was at once distinguishable, but mingled with it came sounds
which carried FuN back tb the days of his childhood-to the heath of liampstead and the donkey-beaten sands of the eternal
sea:-in short, to every place that could conjure up asinestrian recollections.
FuN never loses his temper. When he strikes it is always entirely in sorrow, and not in the least in anger. If he hits
hard it is to save everybody the pain of a second blow. Like MR. MILToN's two-handed engine, he stands ready to smite once
and smite no more. But in spite of the placidity of his temper, he felt he must see into the cause of this unseemly riot. He
rang the bell, and a retainer at once obeyed the summons.
What is this tumult ? enquired the great one. Well, sir, you see it's the Unicorn," was the reply.
"The Unicorn," interposed FUN, is a fabulous animal." It was, sir,-but they've recently invented one in order that
he might fight for the crown with the Lion. It's not the one in the arms of England!"
When you say invented,' I presume you mean manufactured," said the potentate.
"That's it, sir !- They have got an animal-its name begins with a D.-and they've got a little subscription, assisted by
the proceeds of a raffle for a quilt, and clubbed it together and bought a twopenny sheet of cardboard and a ha'p'orth of string
and made a sort of a spike of it, and tied it to the animal's head. And it will insist on fighting the Lion for the-Oh, here they are I
At this moment the door burst open, and the Lion who was roaring-with laughter chiefly-entered, followed by the per-
tinacious and futile Properby-Unicorn.
I say," said the Lion, do interfere! He will keep on trying to gore me with that paper spike-and it tickles me so, I
can't help laughing. And considering how recently a dark cloud has been overshadowing those who love and revere the Crown
as I do." Quite true, Leo said FUN, but what is that it wants, this Nondescript-for 'tis neither fish, flesh, fowl, nor
good red-herring; neither peer, commoner, workingman, nor red-republican ? "
"It wants the crown,-to wear it with a presidential cock over the left ear, I fancy."
"Oh, come !" said FuN, turning to the Unicorn, this sort of thing won't do at all! You might do to be president of an
Asinceum, but we don't want any republican nonsense. in England. We are quite satisfied with the Monarchy as it exists,
and with-I think I may without overstepping the bounds of modesty-with the Queen's chief adviser, not to mention the
Prime Minister and his colleagues."
At this moment the Unicorn set up such a braying-" Down with the Crown! A Republic for Ever I that FuN felt it
his imperative duty to drive him out of town." This desirable end was attained by a liberal application to the creature's head
of copies of
jomtnitt Vffomt of
9bx 'evits of Sunm
Axa Story (An), 120
Amid the Mountains, 125
Augspur's Guide to the Turf, 183, 192,
AugApur's Newcastle Notes, 242
Answers to Correspondenls, 13, 23, 33, 43,
56, 65, 75, 8', 97. 107, 117, 127, 132, 149,
159, 160, 179, 189, 199, 209, 219, 220,
239, 249, 259, 271, 280
BonDLiNost'S BOOts, 274
Broken Vow (The), 82
CHATS on the Mags, 24, 31, 44. 75, 86, 98,
118, 118, 1.2, 160. 16t, 180, 189, 210,
220, 230. 240, 280, 272
Coloured and Plain, 43
Crysal Palace (The), 48
Comnc Song (A), 101
Coming Commune (The), 167
Christmas Anacreontie (A), 261
Catch (A), 273
DAwnLnNos, 6, 31, 96, 46, 59, 68. 138, 142
Double Acrostie, 7, 15, "3, $1, 5, 58, 71,
70 87. 107t 110, 119, 182, 141, 152, 162,
177, 181, 191, 203, 218, 221, 231, 249,
259, 271, 274
FoLnV's Fandango, 11
Fraudulent Advertisements, 14
Ford the Fireman, 183
"GunATR T PlasGe in Life"-ani a
Greater I (The), 11
Golden Legend (A), 65
General Bunkum's opinion of the
Autumn Campaign, 158
Give Indisciiminately! 162
HxRiR, There, and Everywhere, 16, 43,
85. 67, 141, 151, 161, 171, 181, 199, 203,
213, 241, 261
Hue and Cry (A), 42
IN the Green Isle, 115, 147, 169
Indian Story (An), 197
Josa Billings on the Scott Centenary, 78
Jinkins' Joke, 95
KNIonT and the Lady (The), 177
LAST Irish Outrage (The), 5
Larry Horrquer, 26
Ledger de Main, 93
MAN whose name was Jones (The), 85
Mv Partner, 147
More Revelat ons of Prussian Policy, 228
OUR Shorthand Notes, 7, 15. 25, 41, 56,
66, 73, 79, 87, 107, 117, 127, 140, 141,
157, 169, 178, 187, 198, 208, 219, 222,
211, 249, 259, 270, 275
*Oh, ra Differende I" 1N9
Ode to the Lord Mayor (An), 202
PsOPOSED New Betting Bill (The), 57
Pebble in the Sea (A), 90
Peter Brown, 198
RHAPSODy on Oysters (A), 100
SToaTING Notes and Anticipations, 16,
Saire Stuffing for Green Geslings, 13, 17,
27. 35, 46, 59. 67, 83, 88, 105, 116,
121, 129, 143, 153, 163, 173, 182. 193,
207, 217. 227, 237, 217, 257, 264, 279
Seaside Secret (A), 63
Sporting Difficulty (A), 77
Sam Sarsnet's Saunter, 90
Sid Slapup's Soliloquy, 152
Story of the Mines (A) 189
Saturday Review on Rhyme (The), 261
TURNINa over New Leaves, 21, 7I,. 108,
119, 150, 170, 1;9, 211, 221, .252, 263,
Tichborqe QCse (The), 212, 223, 233, 243,
253, 269, 275
UNIPElnsAL.-*(tat is lie Indernajlonall's)-
Eggs bithionn ( Zout Genzington ) -
uid*-Londou-mit- Sbiers und Bonds -
Beir-Leg, r, (Die); 54
U and I, 263
WIM3LkDON Scamper (A), 53
Well-Deserved Name (A), 09
Winding-up Act, 1871 (the), 264
Youo Hopeful, 117
AnBOT Binx and the Blue-bottle, 70
Autumn Maiamvreps (The), 148
"' Another Way," 161
Alm-st a Sificient Reason, 100
Abolition of Purchase, 203
BAT.n and Bawled, 97
Black and White, 171
Coonuev Tournament of 1971 (The), 25
Common Objects of the Sea-Shore, 98
Coincdenial Cognomen (A), 161
Conceited People, 200
Cattle Catalogue (A), 248
Cat Show (The), 258
Christmas Bells and Christmas Bills, 261
Common Complaint (A), 276
DEziNiriso from One Point of View (A),
Discursive Reflections on Bivalves, 64
Derby of Doves (A), 126
Didn't quite Catch it, 184
"Dry and Nutty," 260
EXAMINE his mouth for his age, 21
Ex hoss-tive Reasotng, i2
Eating and Feedingr 42
Elves, Goblins, aed Fays, 218
Economic if Trae, 221.
FLY and the philosopher (The), 23
Five Svilible Word (A), S
"From Bad to Woise," 107
Force of Imagination (The), 160
Fool-some Fl ,-ttery, 164
Forced Joke (A), 196
Fact (A), 220
Feet ef Horsemanship, 234
Filse Lodge-,o. 260
Fiery Untamed (Thal, 251
Few Speoimens of Thoroughly English
Weather (A), 270 -
GREAT Man.(A), 9
Grand Flower Show at Penge, 109
Good House (A); 150
Good Memory Ilr a IFtb (A), 230
HANDEL Festival (The), 12
Heavy Blow for Him (A), 55
Heirloom (An), 99
Hard Labour, 119
" He. She, It," 122 -
His Original Character, 130
Half Price 144
Hengler's Cirque, 168
Had him there, 174
Infant Prodigy (An), 272
JEW De Mot (A), 130
Just S .w I 151
Jinny-A Wild Legend of the North, 224
LLTTLE Lecture by Professor D-N on
'he development, of the horse (4), 88
Likely Customer, 53
Love is Blnd, 139
Lou d Mayor'sShow and Dinner Condensed
Lord Mayor's D'nner (A) 210
Looking a Gift-Horse in the Mouth, 240
MISCHIEVOUS Fish (A), 47
Modest Genius (A), 56
Made to Sell, 68
"Man wants but Little," 128
Margate Rezatta, 131
Margate Almacks (The), 118
Making no Bones About it, 231
Merry-and Wise, 264,
No Flies, 57
Novel Waverley Novel (A), 17
Not to be taken too Literally, 115
Not Unlikely 1l180
Not so Fast! 211
Not Fare, 273
"ON the Sands 1a" 89
Oliver asking M,(o)re! 157
Our London."-Saturday Night, 254
P iNCEss in Exile (A), 32
Point Missed (The), 48
Pictures not observed at the Royal
"Pit its, 'Tia true." 79
Promenade Concerts, 106
Paint and Colour, 191
Proverbial Philosophy, 198
Poultry and Pigeon Show (The), 238
Proof of the Padding (The), 271
Progress of Father Christmas (The), 262
QUANTrrY Not Quality, 213
REcOLLcrtroNs of the Royal Academy
No. 4, 7
Result of Mimic War (A), 174
Return to Town (Tne), 188
Reduction on not taking ;a Quantity (A),
Right MeerTie Day at a Race Meetynge
Reduced Gentility, 241
SASewrca snd Ale, 7
Slight Acquaintalce (A), 14
Scarborough and Sarony's, 22
Surprising Suggestion (A), 37
Spiritual Destitution, 78
Subjection of Women (The), 86
Sea Side Bit (A), 90
Surestion (A), 108
Stranger Yet! 118
Sentiment and Satire, 140
Sincere if not Flatterinal 141
Superfluous Qlestion (The), 154
Some Cattle Show Subjects, 244
TYnvA~N of Masters (The), 44
Ttmperance Festival at the Crystal
Palace (The), 74
Ticket for SoUDn (A), 234
Town House (The), 263
UNcdtmoN Taturs, 11
VoicEs of the Night, 178
WmiCon accounts for it, 1
Woyze GooSe (A). 45
Which is Whiclh ? 66
Wag on the Moon (A). 76
Wappen Schaw of Walter's Cot (The),
Warning (A), 87
We are Seven, 141
xWeighty Arrument (A), 184
What Next! 1I7
YE Daye of ye Lotde Mayor, tol
AIMY of the Future (The), 214
Bull's Summing Up, 9
Cause Versus the Captains (The), 141
Charities-and their Victim (The), 175
Captain who weathered the Collision
Capital Visit (A), 235
Dogs of War (The), 225
For a Good Boy, 39
Loyal Suggestion (A), 165
Mysterious P&(r)td (The), 201
Merry-and Wise-Christruas (A), 266
Not to be Seared, 19
Number of Holidays for a Holiday
Number (A), 50 ,
New Army Regulation (The), 215
Naughty Boy (The), 245
Not to be Taken In, 255
New Nurse (The), 27
Peer and the Proletarian.(The), 185
"Rollicking Ramn "-gate, 92
S&amsgate Pf()etis* 03
Severe Trial (A), 29
Sea after Session, 113
Studies at Margate, 135
St, George and the Underfed Dragon 155
Terrestrial Ball (The), 277
William the Wirtuous and the Bold Bad
Wizard of the North (The), 80
THE LAST IRISH OUTRAGE.
(BY Oun OwN HIBERNIAN REPoETEn.)
Mr. OSBORNE asked whether it was true that a medical man near Waterford
had been shot at.
The Marquis ef HARTINGTON. amid much laughter, stated that the report
arose from the medical officer driving his gig over and exploding a fog signal.
BE the powers, ye sub-edithurs,
Pressed by my credithurs,
I want a few ha'pence to buy me some spuds,
And divil a minute
(The plague that is in it!)
Can I get from the pop shop my best Sunday duds.
Oh, for a sinsation!
There's nought that the nation
Likes better than one that's piled up to the skies;
Nayther Faynians nor pailers
Nor convicts nor jaylers
Have of late given half of a peg for my lies.
Not a shot, nor a batin',
Eviction nor slatin'
Bedad I am thinking' it's starvin' I'll be ;
The London newspapers
'L1 say that our capers
Are dwin'dlin' down fast in this isle of the free."
There's DOCTHoa MONTGOMERY,
Fond of his flummery,
And fond, oftentimes, of a practical joke;
Has got a white garran,
To drive on his arran
To bleed and to physick the barony folk.
An' faith I'll be jokin'
This night; by the tokin
I know where they keep the flat signals for fogs.
I'll go to the station,
An' then wid elation
I'll take a calm stroll on the road twixt the bogs.
There: nately arrayed,
Fifteen signals are laid,
And the divil is in't if the wheel don't touch one.
And here I'll abide,
Snug behind the roadside-
He's sartin to think it's the crack of a gun.
Bang! bang! it has done it,
By SAINT PAT, sure, the fun it
Will make when the further is payceably out,
Will give to the fiction
A nate contradiction,
And pay me twice over the same thing about.
"While DocTHOR MONTGOMERY,
An evening' so summery,
Was driving' along on his patients to call,
He was fired at quite nately,
And frightened completely,
And close by his ear heard the whizz of the ball.
"'Tis supposed he was taken
For one EDWARD LAKIN,
Who unpopular is with the Ribbonmen's gang;
The police are enquirin',
And likewise aspirin',
The assassin to catch, to arraign, and to hang."
Ribbon outrage again
We hear of with pain,"
Thus say all the papers from Dublin to Cork.
And the oppression' Saxon,
Who's put a new tax on
My income, will read it from Plymouth to York.
When it gets to Westminster,
They'll say sure in Linster
Those Irish are murderin' as fast as they can,"
And the word '11 go forth
Through the South and the North
To sayze all the guns from the Lee to the Bann.
Two pound for the fiction
Wrapped up in nate diction,
Bedad, sure it's I am the broth of a boy,
A signal for fogs
On the road 'tween two bogs,
Forty shillins, I think ? Have some porther, my joy P
A Dogmatic Deduction.
WE have in our time read some wonderful stories about canine
sagacity, belief in which has been considerably assisted by the prdver-
bial pinch of salt, but after perusing the following we are inclined to
accept all dogs' tales unreservedly, not even rejecting the anecdote of
the ritualistic terrier that refused meat on Friday, or that other story
of the blind man's dog who bit a barman on the nose because he drew
porter when stout was ordered and paid for:-
ST. GEORGE'S-ROAD, LAST IMONDAY.-The LADY who spoke to a dog is
requested to COMMUNICATE with Poest-office, street, S.W.
Perhaps, however, this dog is but a puppy after all, unless he is, what
is still more likely, the quadruped so much objected to by Saturday
reviewers. If so he should remember the proverb, jejunus atorachus
rare vulgaria temnit.
HEBE'S a queer American law-suit!
Mr. Cooper agreed to give Miss Evans one ewe lamb and its Increase uttil she
was 21 years of age, in consideration of a gold watch-key. The suit was brought
before Justice NeweUll to recover the sheep or its equivalent. The evidence
showed that the increase was to be in ewe lambs, and that the natural increase of
a flock of sheep would double every year. According to this estimate, Miss Basle
would have at the end of fifteen years 16,064 ewe lambs, which, at four dollars per
head, would amount to 64,256 dollars. Justice Newell heard the evidence, and,
like a wise man, reserved his judgment.
We should say COOPER would gladly hand back the watch key in
order to wind up the action. At the same time it is quite possible
that the lady who has come for lamb's-wool may go away shorn.
Foul Play I
THE clauses of the proposed Betting Act" are so very stringent,
that we fear it may prove an awkward statute for the proprietors of
poultry. Their hen-roosts will come under the definition of betting
houses if the fowls are caught laying in them!
VOL, XIV. B
~-- *~- ~
[JULY 1, 1871.
FUN OFFICE, Trednesday, ,Tune 28, 1871.
BULL'S SUMMING UP.
Divisions have been bad.
The:Rule of G.
It puzzles me-
'Thetax will drive me mad.
Shbouiii -v. done much moi e.
Adtnow at last
'With,-as you were before!"
"I's plain *tasek
What next will be
For men withmeasures hollow:-
This Bill and' that
Have fallen flat -
The People's BILL may follow!
A ROMANCE OF REAt LIFE.
SMIFKIxrxs, who is the hardest working man we know, and who is
possessed of a largo wife and a family to match, had some money left
him a few years ;back :which he invested in long-leasehold house
property all "brick built and well let." Not long ago one of
SMIFKINS'S friends wanted a house, e; SoSMIPNs, ever anxious to oblige,
turned out himself and went into lodgings. But the new tenant
obstinately refused to pay any rent, alleging that it was no use having
a friend for landlord if he had to settle just the same as with a
stranger. So at last, quite out of patience, Ssnxnems put the matter
into the hands of a collector of rents, who finding himself unable to
collect any, availed himself of the usual alternative, collected two
brokers, and put them in possession. The tenant immediately bethdught
him of his softest friend- SmIFKiN s-and after some little difficulty
borrowed the money to pay out the men in possession. But he didn't
pay them out, and next morning Smirxss received a note from the
tenant's wife stating that her husbandhad run away, and that if the
brokers were not instantly removed she would cut the throats of her-
self and family, thereby damaging the furniture and rendering the
house valueless to SMIPKINs, who of course settled with the rent-
collector himself, allowing commission and expenses. In the evening
the tenant returned, and has evinced his. determination not to go away
again. SmauixNS says he is "a fool of a fellow," and the tenant
returns the compliment with interest in lieu of rent. And we think
the interest is in this case quite right, though the principle is decidedly
wrong. But the worst of it all is to come, inasmuch as this is not at
all a joke but a right'down seYious sober fact, which came under our
own particular and peculiar observation.
A, i Common aOeanplaint.
WE presume that it is due to a diffident feeling as to their success in
a recent Black Sea Conference thtt our ministers have allowed the
smaller Black Sea of Wandsworth Common to be seized on by the
builder, an autocrat more stern than the Czar of all the Russias. The
House of Commons seems to be desirous of earning its title on the
lueos danon principle; for England,thanksto the faineance of its M.P.s,
will soon have no commons:at all! In vain does public opinion make
itself heard on the subject; Government is as deaf as a deaf adder with
cotton wool in its ears. In its useless efforts to stimulate it to some
exertion, the press-to borrow a forcible figure from an American paper
-" trains and stretches and inipoteitly lengthens itself, like a lean
leech at the summit of a bean-pole reaching for the life-blood of
oard and Lodging.
TaE other day a sipall boy-name, Lintott; age, thirteen-was
charged with. stealing a bo. of flowers. He lived-" nowheres,' he had
no friends, and he slept -under an advertising board. He ought to be,
under the care of another Board-but that (we need hardly say we
mean the Lofidon School Board) has talked itself to sleep and does
nothing. Will no one bring us the heads of a dozen or soof the mem-
bers of the Board F They will get on just as well without them.
Neva may Die !
SFARMnaS complain, mot without reason, that proper precautions are
not exercised in the, importation of cattle from Russia, the home of
rinderpest. This must be altered, or the President of ,thb Board of
Trade should-Steppe it !
I Am brimful of energy and mean to commence an epic poem
and an impromptu directly the weather turns out favourable. At present
it is always too hot or too cold, or toe dry or too rainy. So I dawdle.
Dawdhlng expands the mind without exerting the muscles. I have
expanded my own mind by dawdling until it,begins to knock violently
against the sides of my body in search of a apidt d effective.modeoef
egress. 'ty muscles are meanwhile inoapab, ia'a Fblonge&4Wai., I
could hit a man once or twice in -afit deadly-anger, buttff-lrial
have done with him befor-the got matet'ly injures.- EHiSoV S. e d
we &Mia eogniselhini sfter' the coaffiot =Pf = l ieu slig ltestationwf
meoor,----not, so mne. She would be .unde -tfi' *paintai.ecssity of
,putting eo: spectacles. '
* Even inthe' pursuit Of renown I dawdle. A 'melo&odos 'eafti is
,about a day's work. Myy numerous and intelligent biographeaW.ill
speak of me in the following terms :-The reader must eeaate this
charming and instructive poet by the giality ot( hus prothdaeons and
.not by their sgmttity. Had he provett more industrious -Vsa world.
of letters t tI -.Sebeen considerablyricher."-Or thus :-".Atife
devoted like our author's to t6-echarn'sof contemplation leavesealas!
too little space for active employment." In short, Postcrity may think
and say of my published works precisely what it pleases ;-I shall not
be here either to confirm or to contradict it.
Prose is quite new to me ;-I generally think in blank verse. Occa-
sionally (but very seldom) an idea takes the form of eight-six metre.
Example; How doth the little busy, -'e. But it is only due to myself and
my Muse (capital M, please) to say that I am not often thus. When-
ever I am walking swiftly through the crowded streets of this :great
metropolis I adopt the measure of SCOTT'S Marmion or MACAULAY'S
Lays of Ancient Rome. Being, however, a dawdler, I rarely walk with
anything like swiftness through the c. s. of this g. m.
I am what men call slow. Forked lightning cannot equal the rapidity
with which my cultivated intellect receives a new impression; but I am
never hasty in communicating my treasure to the world. What is
worth having is worth waiting for, say I. If my body were in con-
formity with my mind I should have stuttered and stammered and
hesitated from the day of my birth. I like to receive quickly and give
away slowly. No man living can say that I ever instructed and
improved him in a hurry.
Imagine the consequence. Behold in me a limpid fountain, fed by
all the streams of Castaly and the New River. Yet I only run in drib-
lets. Why ?-The answer is obvious; because I prejfr to run in drib-
lets., Because I insist on running in driblets.
On second thoughts I retract the word running." A true dawdler
cannot run. Be it mine to crawl.
I have been talking about myself all this time, I verily believe. A
charming subject (though Isay it) but perhaps a little too delicate and
refined for the general public. Between you and me, my gentle general
public, we shall never be great friends. You only bought -eleven copies
of my last great poem. That poem cost six years of a dawdler's life,
and has brought the dawdler's too confiding publisher next door but
one to irretrievable ruin. On my own account I am sorry. I am also
sorry on yours, because you missed being let in for a good thing in
poems. On my publisher's account I amnsimply jubilant. I have only
loved one publisher in the course of my life;-he is going to produce
my forthcoming epic with illustrations and a glossary.
You have read all this rubbish-" rubbish" is yor word, not mine-
and you have learnt nothing. So much the better; 1:have all the more
to teach you. Oh, if I am only allowed iy the editor of this widely
circulated periodical to dawdle next week, I will amuse-I will in-
struct-I will improve you all within an inch of your lives.
Tell me only, general public, what you require. Is it wit wisdom-
domestic economy-political ditto-metaphysics- genial satire-scan-
dal-anything ending with ology ?
This is your shop. ,
Porker versus Pauper.
THE St. Pancras Guardians have had to pay a nice little bill for the
poisoning of some pigs belonging to LoD RoseEBy. How was it
effected ? Simply enough :-the contents of the trough, in which the
meat for the consumption of the paupers had been pickled, were thrown
into the swill tub and found their way to therhogs,-and the hogs died.
Nobody seems to have enquired what happened to the paupers. But
this should be a warning to all pickling parochial authorities, who will
see that while they have the privilege of poisoning their own paupers,
it is as well to refrain from such expensive practices as poisoning a
HEIGHO! When should a man- look for a jest in.a meadow? In
the present month, when he is pretty sure to find 'em mowing it-(a
mot in it).
WHY are this year's peas like reluctant payers ? 'Because they're
so backward in shelling out.,
* DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 225
VWAn, steehg m..rn, and glowing midday sun.
Ant 4weleomedPws that &U] -hen falls the night,
une tlhatpleasaint summer is begun 4
green lIaves th,. slr.,wlenries blua-hjbightt, -
nk krow tlhe,peaches, red thie cherries all,
gold the aptisots Qn e anstrn Owal.
T ,. Of t hU : Oder of .th. Garter
ar 'sl. sa B ing wbh.. was the starter;
But a queenI'll beta dollar.
Was inventress of the collar.
2. On Dorking dawn,
No.t tr f r-r .:.n to,.
Thbell ,:.', I think, a fight be;
For t.-.mg 'hiso.
"(tur atste, I w.s,
Is betterr than t.might be!
.-W his term. aeqvires, by appliAation,
A sense, as were, of imputation: t h
Yet 'tie;, by WEBSTRno's derivation,
A place that needs no depuration.
4. B virtue of his talisman-or term it,'
hip Genius if you will-Sm WALTER SCOTT
Calls a the vision of the lonely hermit,
The sand,'and palms of this far-distant spot. I
B A fortunate digger, -
Who worked like a nDigger,
SAt the sands of the stream with his ladle,r ,
On his luck in a lump
Contrived to come plump,
One.morning while rooking his cradle.
SoAt.aos or AcRosTIC 1No. 223.-fSummer, Wintry :
.ScoWE Ui, MNaion, Minaret; pwer, Refectory.
cG eRECT SOLUsTIONS F "ACROSTIC No. 223, RECBaIvan bNE 21st.-
F. VzB.; Sawney; Ruby's Ghoat,. Biddy and Pottr ; Chummie;
Sf "onr -.ni Tnn. Parsoon; Alfred; Suffolk Dumpling; Dycque;
A NUM1B3ER of letters from MENOTTI GARRIBALDI, show- SAN D CH AND ALE.
ing the. Generals interest in the progress of the Com- Teper :-" 'TJLLO, OLE PAL! STILL ON ( iC) BOARD WAISHES, 1?"
mane, has been found among Assi's papers. We are Boardnman :-.Ae, ALL BOARD AND NO BEER. YOUR CASE IS Tr* wMrE
sorry to learn that the Liberator of Italy has been WCBSe-WERAY aIeH Tr4 WORSE R.
donkey* enough to identify himself with the Asszs of Toper :-ALL ni' (Oc), o0r sANowGD .
the Commune. Boardman r-.ALL IGHT, OLE ALE !
OUR SWORT&AND NOTES. om Root!
Trnw rPAL entry of Pimssian troops. MOLTRE made a Field TALK about Simpso I How aOb .r 0 &tspin Just look at this,
Marshal. Berlin burgomaster made a long speech. = Handel Festival please:-
,t-Sydenham. In the matter of Handel, the organ naturally had the A savant has disede. 1t,'w Ue mirosee that when we pour milk into a cup
i.p of it. = Hay harvest. Much rain. In-wet-erate custom of our of tea, the album% .ilkand the tapn of the tea instantly unite and form
CImanes = QV.LE .-:- d St. Thomas's Hospital. Central Hall to be leather, or minu.k" W'the very same compound which is produced in textteo
der oratid: in eonsequ.. n, with a NOBLE statue of Her Majesty. = of tn.ed hi4o atidlch makes It loathe ar distingehed from the orignzii
S HAw LE S -E got into the wrong lobby on Army Regutation divis e. average capaet enough leather to make a pair of shoes.
Natural Cnnmts of events, as' he got into the wrong box on She We thoug)te- ma-anemone was tho only creature that could go on
*A question. = Obstructionists oppose the Tranway BWl. cmortabhly, pard xist with its limbs thrust into its digestive organs.
,Tlheyy stopped the TRAIN, but won't stop the car. -- EmcritoR and I appeawhthat t is not the only animal of low organisation which is
'Es-rRSs or BRAZI visit Spain en ,outoe to 144441. 0# f0 e ca.abxe of the feet--c.r the shoes Th-- .po yotng maet for a small'
Brazilians are nuts on- Barcelona. = TmRas wanted tI. review the teao e put a pair of bat4 into I smh, and smile with
French army. BtsmwaxK objects. The odds are on Bidmsaso.. = I Ianity. You d'cah us t 4a We button
Ti elsboee case to be adjourned from July to Nownmbr r. Obeevt4l our stomach treso. II0 louather We
new. o all concerned. = Fireworks at C'rtal P'alaee. Wemt a shu.~Wsc en think of try Sto V qvpuwna bramim out as of catch-
%rzeh-in -spite, cf*iather.-British rpublie Lt-Abins to aiO a s66?- 'ing ou elos violently in th0,$of **eDomach. V our bluchers!
-An Act o Ch t-ie. A Fra clof tnfrw1egemexi
i appears that the 0iuapne p4nounced that would pa r two
A coTmra o ar contains the following paragraph -- thousand frnacs to whoever should bring' -M. Tumns into
It ts crqmed to es ud the um or 401) r-ut or the Chest ppe'the UnV f-. e The prs point out that as on i4-L
jflvj r, ofnriiiepars-b eig,,or Cu die ani. o s MAo fA" P*, Opefldab!0a* he is entitled to the reward at tke
*1T1i University Clitat is chiefly enriched by the penalties impasse by han .$.'4e. 's not theWMgrshal un-commune-py wise
proctors ,:., the irr~gu iti,-s rib.2fh, hrr.,.rrduates. Itis fitting that mune honesty. t ____ pe oa_______p on
the fines should be expended on the Fine Arts. mune honesty.
A Classical Question. WE learn from the Soutc London Press that the state Of the pond on
WHEN you have to pay the piper, will th( pep~sr-i'mint b'e \the' bekhsmi R" is 'ich as to extort from the inhabitants of Peckham,
proper source-mint-source-to apply to P Rye faces whenever they pass by.
- OF THE ROYAL
(For Nutmbws see oyal Academy Catalotv
Fy-TJ -.-JULY 1, 1871.
l i l I i T
i il 1i1, ll
F j~ ii
h I, ~
BULL'S SUMMING UP.
Bull:-"u'M! THE RESULT IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT IT SHOULD BE!"
JULv 1, 1871.]
IN youth's bright days-'twas long before
My dancing days were over !-
I voted work a horrid bore
And idly lived in clover.
I danced, as I shall never dance
Again now wisdom's riper,
And capered on in ignorance
Of who should pay the piper!
I danced until the money flew
Out wildly from my pockets;
I danced till dull and sunken grew
My eyes within their sockets;
I danced until Rheumatic Gout
Was of each toe a griper-
And then it was I first found out
Who had to pay the piper!
I'd danced till I'd worn out my soles,
My stockings needed mending,
My coat and trousers were in holes,
My very hat was rending.
I went to Friendship for a loan,
But Friendship proved a viper;
Andel I'd no money of my own
Wherewith to pay the piper!
1 set my shoulder to the wheel,
I worked just like a nigger:
My heap through constant toil and zeal
By slow degrees grew bigger.
From off the slate of each old score
At last I was the wiper.
And now, you see, I dance no more-
Let others pay the piper!
A Note on Natural History.
AN entomologist states that it is the female mosquito
that bites us. The 'cruel "insecks" belong to the fair
sex; which reminds us that, if, as the Women's Rights
folks say, "Man makes the laws," at any rate "woman
makes the language,"- bless her talkative tongue!-and
so why is the mosquito's thirst for our blood called
malevolent instead of femalevolent.
A CAPITAL LETTER.-One containing a.remittance.
"THE GREATEST' PLAGUE IN LIFE"- AND A
TO THE EDITOR OF PUN."
RSm,-P eople are complaining--and with justice-that it is impos-
sible to get female servants' now-a4days. Young persons demanding
more wages than (I say it with shame) manygovernesses get, are obtain-
able as ornaments; but they want a good many holidays a week, every
Sunday out, the use of your piano, and the run of your wardrobe-and
you must undertake to do the work yourself besides. The old-fashioned
servant is as extinct as the Dodo-the modern domestic is a Do,
merely. But the evil does not rest there. The pests have an attend-
ant'pest; "the fleas have lesser fleas to bite"-not them but us,
unhappy-mistresses. I allude to the persons who keep so-called Servants''
I have recently'had reason to look for a servant, and have written
to advertisers under every initial in the alphabet, from A to Z, who
described themselves as very desirable sere svants. What were the
answers I received ? In nine cases out of ten a note from Mrs. Blank
or Mrs. Dash of such and such a Servants' Register Office, to the effect
that the advertiser was engaged, but that Mrs. Blank or Dash had
manygexcellent servants on her books of whom she would give'me the
choice &n payment of a feeof five killings.
In, short, :the advertising servant did not exist. She was a fiction-
a bait hung out by Mrs. Blank or Dash to catch unwary housewives.
I soon found that paying the fees was mere waste of money,.that the
,Blanks and Dashes had no good servants to offer, and were merely
levying black mail.
Now, sir, what I want in the way of a Woman's Movement is simply
this: 'a combination of British matrons, who will undertake never to
engage.a servant from the trap-laying Blanks and Dashes, and never
to, pay 'a fde at a Registry until, they have engaged a suitable servant
from among those on its books.
I have 'lea-t that in' addition to 'the mistress's five shillings these
Waiter to Cook :-"GEORGE, GEnT IN No. 3 sAvs .AS' HIS POTATOES AIN'T
GO OD-SAYS AS THEY'VE ALL GOT BLACK EYES IN 'EM.
George (real name Patrick):--" BEDAD TiIN IT'S NO FAULT O' MINE. SURE
THE SPALPEENS HAVE BEEN FOIGHTIN' AFTER I PTW 'EM IN THE POT! "
harpies mulct the servant of'half-a-crown. Seven and sixpence profit
clear on every transaction that concludes satisfactorily, and five,
shillings in oases when no engagement comes off-a very pretty tax
indeed! I am, sir,
P.S.-My husband says I must define my complaint more clearly,
by stating that I do not direct it against the large public Servants'
Registers (even they fail now-a-days to keep up a supply of desirable
servants) 'but against the hole-and-corner Blanks'and Dashes, who -put
forth traps in the shape of advertisements of servants Who have no
existence. What is to be done with such people ?
[We sympathize entirely with our correspondent in this ease, but in
answer to her question, What isto be done with these people ?" we
'have but few suggestions to offer. If we said "Scrape them to death
'with red-hot oyster-shells," ",Materfamilias," by acting on our advice,'
might render herself amenable to criminal proceedings. Poisoning
them is difficult, and not entire frl ee from risk. Taking them down
to Margate by sea, and throwing throwing them overboard unnoticed might do.
Scuttling the ship would be expensive-besides being awkward for
;the party scuttling, supposing the party does not wish to be drowned
too. They might be made melancholy by the loan of TuPPErrza's com-
plete works, or rendered idiotic by a long course of Stirand burlesques.
If "Materfamilias" has any influence with the Hdme Secretary she
might procure their detention at Clapham Junction until they had
mastered the arrivals and departures of all the trains. An attempt to
compel them to learn by heart the complete evidence in the TwOsuOmrB
case would probably lead to the immediate interference of the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Withathese few exceptibos,T
we have no suggestions to make.-ED.]
Wir is a hole in your shoe' like 'harvesting operatioiVa ?-BWeol
it's reap-arable. J. -.. I
[JuLY 1, 1871.
THE HANDEL FESTIVAL.
Tim Crystal Palace has proved, by the thorough success of its Handel
Festival, its fitness for such work is immensely superior to that of the
mammoth bandbox at South Kensington. It would have been im-
possible to hear at the Albert Hall the singing and the music which
were so audible at Sydenham; and the wonderful accuracy of Sm
MIoHAEz CosTA'S band would have been thrown away in that echoing:
vastness of the Cole formation.
The Palace Grounds too are just putting on their beauty, and here
again too the Sydenham building beats the South Kensington. The
undulating well-treed park is beyond the necessity of any comparison
with the Horticultural Gardens, which will never look like anything
but a Cemetery playing at being a Nursery Ground.
There is but one fault that we can even hint at in the Palace Festival,
which is that even for lovers of music the performances are a trifle too
long. Four hours of Handel even are more than enough for a glutton
of sweet sounds. But this drawback has its compensation, for the
exhausted connoisseur can at once recruit his energies under the auspices
of MESSRS BERTRAx and RoBaRTS, whose stores seem so ample, that in
the event of the Battle of Dorking really taking place they could with
ease provision the patriotic army which is described as starving within
but a short distance of these supplies.
The weather, which has interfered with those who wished to make
hay, evinced a desire to make hay, itself, with the Festival. In this
it was as disappointed as thbse unhappy folks who gaze at their drenched
meadows and talk of making soup of their harvest. In spite of the
rain the Palace has, been crowded, and the show of people inside and
carriages outside as great as if it had been glorious June weather.
The sombre skies only lent more solemnity to the grand pealing of the
organ, with which at times the thunder blended not inharmoniously.
The Long and Short of it.
THE South London Press records an instance of wasted ability:-
Lambeth Workhouse boasts of a dwarf amongst its inmates. One of the female
paupers is 19 years old, and only three feet high.
That small person clearly undervalues herself. She should communi-
cate at once with'BAxuxM, and she would find that those who are
short in person need never be short in purse. The smaller she is, the
more will Banvx make of her !
Bow to a Goose.
A POET in an American paper has let off this beautiful bit of writing
dpropos of Nature :-
She next made Woman-so the story goes-
With an improved material and art;
Gave her a form, the choicest one of those
That make aught beautiful, and to her heart
A power to soften man-and forced the rose
Its blushing tint to her soft cheek impart-
Then chopped the rainbow up, and with the chips
She went to work, and finished off her lips !
An enthusiast of the name of SIMPERTON writes us that this is real
beautiful," and adds that woman's lips being made of the rainbow
explains why their persuasive words are Iris-sistible. If SIMPERTON
will call on us, we'll be Nature and he shall be rainbow, just for a
A Slip of the Pen.
SEVERAL contemporaries, speaking of the presentation by Louli
HAErTINGTON of a handsome paten to the English church at Wiesbaden,
fall into the mistake of describing it as a portion of the Communal"
plate. There is no connection between the communion plate of a
Christian community and the communism of the Commune.
Demand and Supply.
ACCORDING to a contemporary:-
California still waileth for more women, and cries: Send us more wives."
We fear there are only too many men who will be glad to get rid of
theirs by shipping them off to California. Indeed we have met with
one brute who says he'd send off his wife and swap her for balk, but
that her tongue runs so that he's afraid she'd talk The Golden Gate
off its hinges in a week.
A Weed of Grace.
MR. WEST, of Bristol, has discovered that Charlock, one of the
farmer's worst enemies, is excellent eating when treated as a vegetable
after the manner of greens. We are glad to hear it-'tis an ill weed
that grows for nobody's good, and this is a cheap vegetable for the
poor, who will no doubt gladly sing Charlock is my darling!"
JULY 1, 1871.] F U N 13
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
On dear, no, you are quite mistaken, you are completely in error,
this is not meant for old SMITH learning to do the trapeze ; certainly
it is not: neither is it a picture of a shell bursting in the late Paris
business "from a drawing by our special artist taken on the spot;"
shell bursting indeed ? not a bit of it: no, it is simply a family group
showing how TOMPKINGSON has just advertised his better half, his
wife, that he purposes going down to Greenwich to-morrow with a
few friends." It would appear, judging from the missileaneous assort-
ment of'missiles thrown at and after him, that his said better half, his
dulce lenimen, objects to his so doing.
From the above most interesting domestic incident we may draw
this beautiful moral, that it is always better and kinder, if possible, to
spare our wives a pang, and that therefore, in order to do so, when we
do go where we please, we certainly shouldn't talk about it-at any
rate not until after we've been !
ROCHNFOUCAULD says "if you get in a passion and over-blackguard
your servant for not painting your boots properly, he doesn't so much
mind it when you accuse him of theft, smoking your biggest cigars,
&c., &c., &c." This is a maxim married ladies would do well to take
to heart : if they make it too warm for their husbands for thinking of
going anywhere, what have they left to do and say after he's
btel, and gone, and done it ?
A man can be too "large hearted ": oh dear, yes: when he finds
room in it, not only for his wife, but for somebody else I
Morn at eve: Cree-morne!
You are mistaken; it is not only at Baden, etc., you see .ouge an'
noir; you can see it in London, Boiege an' oies; Paint, and the little
geese who use it!
We know a lady with golden-hair; so perhaps do you. We know
a lady-bless her !-with silver hair, and so perhaps (if you are
lucky)-do you; but yesterday, mirabile dictu, we had the pleasure of
being introduced to a lady with real Platina hair!! most wonderful
thing-you-aver saw in your life: real, you know, not bought-growing,
positively growing. It must be very rare.
Yes indeed; Alas! Alas! Alas! no one knows tow we regret it,
but it is So! we have no longer any doubt about it; a Miss
18 as good as mail !
Whenever a "party," whom you know to be-a nobody, swaggers
and brags too much of his this, his that, and his t'other, and then
offers to put you up to a good thing or two in the way of investing
your money avoid him! for remember this, that nobody in this
world ever does anything fbr nothing, and that a man may live a
flash-villd-in and be one himself, or may live in a square, yet not act
on it, or in a mansion yet do many un-mansionable things, or in a
tl-rrace-and' soon give you a good cause to quote "jam satis terrace"
with a vengeance- ,for, you may rely upon it, many "a party," who
'i9l&sseid by' PoOeb, would be none. the worse for another sort of-
Sdsessing by-a horse-pond!
We have positively known men who "hadn't a leg left to stand
upon" walk beyoutifully at Boulogne-sur-Mer. Odd, eh P However
the Boulogne-sur-Mer air we have always heard was very invigorating
to the legs: it must be.
Sweet youth, if you are a scamp and begin to think you are not a
scamp, it is a very bad sign. There is nothing much more stupid
than thinking yourself good enough and to spare: believe us, the first
step towards improvement is-acknowledging there is room for it.
The portrait below is taken from nature. The voracious animal it
represents, which will eat anything, from diamond rings to marble-
topped washhanditands, is'in the possession of the author. It is a
very fine specimen. Its plumage is a mixture of white, dirty slate
colour, and dun. It is a great nuisance. It Is'aot at all a rara avis.
The Zoological and Charitable Societies of London refuse to purchase
it. Its owner is heavtly tired of it. He :oass it an unfavorable
anser, or the real tailor bird," which you .Iew is sort of a goose who
don't -feather his nest, but-but--sws it ip !
TiE annual meeting of the British Anti-tobacco Society todhplace
the other day, and we are told that:-
. A French correspondent of this organisation has not hesitated to express his con-
viction that "smoking had much to do with the present state of things in Paris."
There can be no doubt about this, for the ruins of the Tuileries and
other buildings are still smoking We must also express our con-
viction" that the failure of the turnip crop arises from the members
of the Anti-tobacco Society employing their heads in a vain attempt to
think and reason; that the society in question has had "much to do "
with the recent bad weather, .heralded, as such -weather always is, by
much asinine braying; and that if each Anti-tobaccoite could be
prevailed on tovput a pipe in his mouth and. keep thSt 'organ shut,
there would be a great deal less rubbish than usual talked.
Saxlks to a
TWe cannott return iunanepted MSS. or Sketches, unkee; thoy two acohni
panied by a sttnped and directed envelope; and we dc 'ot *hoid Ww"ime
JoB B.-It's all very well for Joe B.", but we have' no patience with
I. D. (Newport).-Oh, prophetic soul 1 An uncle to send suanch -npliewk
PUZZLED PArrrY.-You shouldn't come to us with such questions, but
for once we 11 forgive you. "Afcidian" is from a Greek word meaning
"a bottle." A painful derivation for teetotallers, and one that exusesa, on
the ground 'family affection, the partiality many men display for the
Kxxc.-KNAcK -Owing to ,some oversight, you omitted to enol se the
point with your "jokes "-unless, indeed, they vere taken outtby the post
Office authorities, as dangerous.
:xoo.zNHAx.-Not bad for an amateur.
A NEW. MAN-Your suggestion that your MS. will do to "mend our
fire" suits this jeJune month. Would that our-fire was-past mending!
T. (Young Men's Association, Liverpool).-We are sorry to pain sauch
tender associations, but we must say No."
JEw D'EsrmrI.-Don't try to pun in foreign languages. Leave He-
braism alone, and stick to your muther-tongue. By the way, woulzn it
J. M. (Fitzroy-square).-You.will see it has been done already.
G. B. B. (Univ. Coll.).-Much obliged for the. suggestion. ,
Declined with thanks.-Toby; Oxford and Cambridge 'Clb"E., L.,
Glasgow; T. D., W. 0.; "It doesn't fit-" Peg; TimbtheftsF. k *]el-
bourne Grove; J. W. L., Greenock- D k J. B. .; B as-
gow: B. B.., Sloanestreet; V. W.; DalZell.BO*, G.W.; A., .,
Maidstone; J. D. R., Wandsworth-road; Bill; T.,H, G, BBr oalAr
8.M. L., Liverpool; &S J. W.; Not Yet; W., Gerra l',Cro; Y.,
.Greville-road; .C.; Amicus Curi; B. F, Kingsland; M., Liverpol.
[JULY 1, 1871.'
A SLIGHT ACQUAINTANCE.
Mistress :-Go ON,-WHAT NEXT ?"
Yokel :-" WELL, MUM, I KNAWS THE BEGGAR BOI SIGHT, BUT I
CA'ANT NAME 'UN."
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SmR,-The other day, disgusted with the information that the
Tichborne trial is to be postponed, and that two murder cases in which I
take a great interest had been adjourned, I turned to the advertisement
columns of the Times for relief. But I did not find it. Sir, the adver-
tisement columns of the newspaper to which I refer are a delusion and
a snare to any right-minded young person, as I am (for a consideration
and expenses) prepared to testify. On the occasion to which I refer I
took up the Times and found the two following advertisements close to
each other :-
FOUND, a 20 BANK OF ENGLAND NOTE, with gold and silver. The owner
ocan have the above by giving a full description. Apply to Mr. J-
SALUTATION TAVERN, Newgate-street.-A LARGE OIL PAINTING, left at
This tavern about 18 years ago, will be SOLD, to defray expenses, if NOT
CLAIMED within seven days.
Now I consider these two things-are nothing less than robberies got up
to defraud the public. I'm quite sure no one could have given a better
description of the note and the gold-to say nothing of my remarks
upon the silver-than I did in my reply to advertisement No. 1, but
what was the result ? Why the advertiser swore I wanted to defraud
him-defraud him of what he admitted wasn't his own !-and talked
MR. STREETER, successor to Hancock & Co. (Limited),37, Con-
duit-street, leading from Bond-street, W. All articles sold at 37,
Conduit-street are of the best London make.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD SUITES from 10 10s.
EIGHTEEN-OARAT GOLD CHAINS from 3.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD BRACELETS from 6.
EIGHTEEN-OARAT GOLD BROOCHES from 2.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD BRIDESMAIDS' LOCKETSfrom 1.
Ma. STaa'za, 37, Conduit-st., W., introducer of 18-carat gold jewel-
lery, machine made. Illustrated Catalogue post free for two stamps.
about the police. That's a nice thing now, isn't it ? But I was even
with him. Two quid lent on a top tog and a sealskinner just now ain't
bad, and it'll teach him not to play tricks in future.
With regard to the last advertisement I was treated still worse.
Seeing the notice I at once went up and claimed the picture. My
claim was, however, resisted, and I who had thought of obliging the
landlord, judging by the tone of his advertisement, met with a very
different salutation from that anticipated.
Still, sir, I think nature intended me for a particular path in life-
that of a nark-and therefore I shall, I think, appropriately subscribe
myself, Yours intimately, a private IN tzUUST.
Somewhere Abroad, proximo 1, '71.
Send them Packing.
PEDLAES who force trashy finery upon the working classes on credit
are pests of society-this may be seen without a Tally-scope.
NOTICE.-Not ready, the Twentieth Half-yearly Volume of FIUN, being
THE THIRTEENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
fagenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s.; Cases for finding, 1s. 6d. each.
.Also, Beading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
MR. STREETER, successor to Hancock & Co. (Limited), 37, Con-
duit-street, leading from Bond-street, W., introducer of machine-made
watches and clocks.
SILVER ENGLISH LEVER WATCHES, from 3 3s.
GOLD ENGLISH LEVER WATCHES, from 8 es.
GOLD KEYLESS ENGLISH LEVER WATCHES, from 16.
CLOCKS (CARRIAGE), from 5.
CLOCKS, for the dining-room, drawing-room, library, and
boudoir; bronzes, &O.-Ma. STBBTER, 37, ondult-st., Steam Works,
Coach and Horses-yard. Illustrated Catalogue post free for two stamps
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hiu, Doctors' Commons, and Pablished (forthe Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : July 1, 1871.
Mistress :-" WELL, WHAT NEXT?"
JULY 8, 1871.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 226. 4
As soon as conversation /
You happen to begin, /
There's one interrogation
Is certain to come in :
"About this litigation,
Which side is going to win ? "
1. It shoots like an arrow,
Your,temper to harrow:
Till one's fain to observe,
One would gladly "lose nerve."
2. What better term describes a tax,
That GLADSTONE surely should relax ? N
3. Sit still in your place,
And settle your face;
Remain like a statue of JUPITER STATOR,
For the instrument's aimed by a famed operator !
4. From CiESAR's page the valour learn
Of mountaineers, so brave and stern.
5. On canvas this most learned clerk's
Immortalised by STACE.Y MARKS.
6. SIR MICHAEL COSTA takes his stand,
And waves his magic wand;
And at his beck his faithful band
With one accord respond.
7. Be this the care of creatures "justly vain
Of the nice conduct of a clouded cane "
Yet to kill time with it their powers who tax,
Should have the brand of cane upon their backs.
8. His talk is of beetles, and bees,
Of bears, and of bulls, and of beavers,
Of fishes, flamingoes, and fleas,
Of reindeer, of rats, and retrievers.
9. Berlin was full of cheering,
And triumphed greatly-for
Her veterans were uprearing
These trophies of the war!
SoLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 224.-Half Year: Harpy,
Anelace, Lacuna, Fender.
CORRECT SOIUT.ONS OF ACROSTIc 224, RECEIVED 28th JUNE.-
D. E. H.; Ruby's Ghost; Hulland.
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
ILLINOIS thief stole lightning-rod off a church. A lightning mis-
conductor clearly, but it is a pity that fact didn't strike him. = Con-
flagration of an Esparto store at Tyne Docks. Tyney damages,
twenty five thousand pounds! = Coventry prosperous. Manufacturer
says, "We have to go down on our knees to our workmen to ask them
to work overtime." Capital should "come down" oftener. = Drunken
donkey (on two legs) placed himself on the rails as a train was
advancing. He was removed-we trust inadvertently-before the
train passed, and consequently was not taught never to do so no
more." = America has quarrelled with Japan. J. pan will go to T.
pot. = The leader of the Democratic party in the United States has
been shot accidentally. We believe this isthis is the first time that any
distinguished American has been shot-accidentally. = Fall of the
roof of a Chapel at Bolton. Fortunately there were no lives lost, it
being Sunday morning! = Vessel put into Plymouth, with a cargo of
tobacco on fire. All hands had been piped to some purpose. = Dis-
turbance at Rome, caused by Englishmen. A MRt. NOEL made an
abusive speech about the KING OF ITALY. NO-EL must be taught to
know better. = "Would it surprise you to learn" the Tichborne case
is not finished ?
WE learn from a Shields paper that during a severe thunderstorm
last week the gentleman who has charge of a time gun, placed on a
high hill at North Shields,
Was preparing to receive the electric current from the Wire to announce 1 o'clock,
and had just inserted two fuses. when there was a vivid flash of lightning, which
caused the gun to discharge. He was knocked down, and the contents of Ihe two
vents struck him on the face.
We cannot help thinking that the attempt to fire a gun, surrounded
by electrical apparatus, during a thunderstorm, is-as it proved to be
A DEFINITION FROM ONE POINT OF VIEW.
Bob:-" I SAY 'AnRy, 'OW IS IT YER DON'T 'IT IT OFF WITH TOM
WRIGHT ? "
'Arry:-"WVELL, YER SEE, HE'S SUCH A CAD! HE'S ALWAYS TALKING'
ROT ABOUT MENTAL CULTURE, AND THAT SORTER THING, YER KNOW, AND YER
NEVER 'EAR OF 'IS BEING' IN DEBT OR GETTING' TIGHT-OR DOIN' ANYTHING
MANLY, YER SEE "
Why not P
THE tT ,Londoress sasas if we were ay-as if we wore expected to doubt th
statement-that a correspondent, writing from Helensburg vouches
for the truth of this story:-
The other Monday afternoon, within a hundred yards of the eastward of Helens-
burgh Pier, a cat went deliberately into the water, taking the direction seaward, and
expired after swimming about 20 minutes.
We believe the story. Why not ? Seeing a Liberal Ministry with a
premier, who came into office with exceptional popularity, going
deservedly to the dogs, we incline to side with the with the cat. If she had
been recently made acquainted with the particulars of the "Liberal "
budget, the clauses of the Betting Act, the didactic measures for
closing public houses all Sunday, and crushing out working men's
clubs-well, all we can say is, that if ever care killed a cat, that poor
thing's fate was not to be attributed to suicide. Our sympathies are
entirely on the side of the feline animal.
IT is as well that MR. BRUCE should be informed-on the authority
of FUN-that he must make no attempt to treat Working Men's Clubs
as public houses, and allow Swells' Clubs to go free. What is sauce
for the Goose Club must be sauce for the Pomander Club. nThe
British public growls because TATTERSALL'S is exempted from the
police surveillance that pesters other betting assemblies. There will be
something worse than growling from the British Lion, if he is debarred
his beer, while the Carlton and Reform can get their Burgundy.
A Solace for the P. R.
IT was not a bad idea to name one of the stations on a line of rail,
once a favourite route to the ring-side-Spa-Road.
VOL. xIv. c
16 FUN". *Jua. 8, .1871.
.FU OFFICE, Wednesday, JTly 5, 1871.
N,107TTO BE SCARED
You. think to frighten BUL--
Buthis brains don't gather wool r
,Your Dorking fight won't do-
: Nor Armada Number Two:
Eor.you cannot frighten BuLL-
>-SNQt to day
vNo,ycucainnot frighten BuLL !
,Y'Xoutnuk torfrighten BULL
vjWith ,your -Germanswonderful-
; But h" kluow whatf:e's.about,
,.,A4n..ho doesn'tfar Saur Kra t
y.Andyou cancotifrighten BULL-
'iiQh, you cannot ghiten.BuL. !
,You think to frig7htenvR a-
;'That imships hos not'.the p.ill;
Which is possible,,bhut.tthen
Hae.as got the pull in men,
And .you will not frighten Bv.UL-
Not just yet,
Y'.ou may bet !
No, youcannot frighten v RL! .
You cannot frighten BULL
,With auh- cry-and littlenwbol!-
Juatte~serve .your privateydBds
Ah, y'uStilJaqot frighten'BDut.
sA .ynastnvritto-trig eitte#.LL.
SPOtTING NOTES fND i-l!SEg IoN .
Smt,-I am not naturally a .proud man, as you know. I am not
naturally a boastful man, as you may probably be surprised to hear.
Usually I am of a mild, gentle, and'childlike habit, but I am gradually
changing all that. I am beginning to find that success does after all
make an alteration in a man-I begin to feel a great change in myself,
especially now that in addition to; all my former triumphs I alone and
-unaided hav for the f second successive time in yourcolumns, sir, pre-
dicted the winner of the great Northumberland Plate. A week or two
back, the following lines flowed, in a moment of enthusiasm and poetic
feeling, from my -pen, and were in due course printed, in the immortal
columns of Fuv. While reviewing the pretensions of the candidates
for the great northern event I, wrote-:-
"I.And iat the present moment as the, lists I downward scan
I can't descry a better beast than, tardy Taraban."
Facts, my dear sir, arc stubborn things. : The foregoing is a very hard
.fact-thre it is, lot it speak for-itself. I, can't say much for it, and I
must confess that,'like most of my 'brother prophets under similar cir-
cumstances, I was very much astonished at my good fortune. In fact
I could: have done just as well without .such goodn.'fortune, as, for
myself, I backed quite another.horse, which got nowhere, andilaid the
odds two or three times against lhe winner. IAnd I think it was
.downright impertinentof one. or itwo who have' money to. draw of me
to come and eofferecongratulations;: saying, Eight again-why, you're
always right. The only correct tipster of the day," &c, &c. :'But of
course I:didn't, lot them know what was the 'matter 'with sne, 'aid they
ascribedimy silence .to odesty, a mistake which speaks for itself. I
commenced this article in a serlf-giatulatoryostyle,.and .,intended to
pitch it pretty strongahut i. couldn't manage it, as I'm wondering how
I shall be able to settle up. But I shall begin to bet to-morrow on
forthcoming events, so that will enable me to keep on for the present,
,'and likeanany a bigger man than. myself I must trust .to providence,
:;gloves, andftuinups. 7 Soall-whowant to -back one, t6 win or a place?
:eanit do, botter-than send to AUGsUR.u.
P.S.-I- had 'partly written *an 'exhaustive article' against Lonn
'MotrLEY and his newBetting Bill, which I -should hami finished and
sent -you'if matters hadhturned out -better, but'at present Im'amof
, opinion that he is quite right. 'Perhaps" he,. backed "a wrong 'nIl"
Peace hath .her Victories.
JUST ,SO: more fall in Love than in War.
-By kind permisionofLord-Morley.
MODERN SONGS AND ODD-DITTIES.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Sm,-'There are no songs nowadays. People, are fools, and what
they sing is rubbish! Don't tell mo, that' I've boon deaf for the last
five years! (That sentence is addressed. to my niece, who is my ama-
nuensis.) I tell you I've looked ,at the sqngs of the present day and
they aroe twaddle, and the music is beneath all contempt. In short, the
musical goings-on of this generation surpass my life-insurance. No !
I didn'tsay life-insurance; I sai& endurance as plain as one can speak.
(That sentence also is addressed to that-foolof a.girtl who pretends she
can't hear me because my teeth ara iinthe top-corner-drawer upstairs!)
I'll just compare with the -hopeless inanity which is called a song in
these degenerate days a charming ditty, which I remember as a young
man. My memory may be defective in -passages,. andthat idiot of a
girl may blunder over .-my -pronunciation, but ',will. at any rate enter
my protest against the decline of music even at the. risk of being
called A OW. GRawUMLER.
P.S.-.-She has taken such a time writing,tAha songtthat,I-have no
:time to look over itbefor post. -. Buttake it withAy,trifingimper-
Como 'where the aguesa.shiver,
Come with a torpid -liver,
And a catarrh, and a catarrh,
And the bronchitis, lose.
Sing me of famous ointment,
And of:the disappointment
When theydid notdeliTwr
All of the pills: ofiPar !
(Chorus) Come wbero-thoragueasahisprj,eto.
Come ,in -despite: of shower,
Though cats and,4ogs downpon-ur,
.lai if itrainy, prove.
Sing of a bosom flustered,
Covered with,plaister nmstard,
And with at.tgeg.tif flon-er,
And of profuse-grucel!
(Chorus):Come in- despite if howerpetc.
tHERE, THERE, '"ONTD.:EVEYWaEERR
STROLLINO the other dayjn.search'of musement,iwe chanced to find
ourselves in that part of Regent-street which rejoices in its Gallery of
Illustrations, -and remembering that in our possession wae a ticket for
-the morning performance just due, we entered in time to see the
curtain rise on "A Sensation Novel,", which is in three:,volumes,
,occupying about half an hour each in perusal. As might natui-lly be
expected of Mi. G(iLBEa 's work the novel is true to its title, some of
the effects being indeed startling, if only on account of their extreme
absurdity. In different hands, the. piece-would bereally effective, as it
contains some of the author's best specimens, but in a company. which
devotes itself entirelyto singing as .an attract, attatind which presents
to the beholder but faint and amateurish specimens of, acting, the most
brilliant.writing is apt to run a little slow. And, speakingof slowness,
we,are surprised that an author of Mit: GILBEnT'S ability .should have
made the: strong point of his third volume rest on one of the oldest
conundrums inthe English language, which after an infinite amount
'of gag, elicited not a chuc]de from a most-easily.pleased! audience.
1ins. GERMAN REED played her part capitally, c in.. GxniAN" -REED
exhibited his usual fund of gymnastic comicality, and the iest of the
.dramatic. persona .warbled sweetly. 'We -did not- see' MR CoNiY
GRAi's !' Fancy Fair," as two hours' riding on. a rail (called by
courtesy a stall) is as much as we can stand at.one time.
','The Order ,of Discharge.
'NOT long since at Huddersfield:occurred the unpleasantAncidait of
A-Bankrupt Charged with Fraud." ,-Goodgmacious why didn't they
"let him off"' immediately!
Fcen(i)um habet in cornu.
THE Christian. Tforld reports a decrease in.the number of.Dissenters
in England.' In..the, interests of'-the';Ohristian -world, we -Wish, we
could report a decrease in the number of ass-centres in Ireland.
THOSE who wish to keep Time will succeed .by~seising .him-lby the
forelock rather than.aboutrtherwaste.
CHIONON-YMous TEnMS.-Folly andtBhiefn.
JUvr .8, '187r.] <
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWWYFOR VTAE-QWOSE -AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
YOUTH! charming, real blush.rosedbloom tinted youth, season o:
being believed and of believing;tseason of beinv beloved and of belov.
ing, season of being blushed -a-twhich is delicious; season of being
blushed -for, which is less'agreeable; youth, jejuney mooney anc
spooney, it would perhaps be as well for you to bear in mind thai
Woman's Love-Love N.B., not gammon, Love, that faith whose
martyrs .are the broken heart"-is just like the flower in your coat
sweetmhycaa language say how sweet? but let it only once begin to fade
let it 6nlyonee begin to droop, do what you will, you'll never bring ii
back tbitripristine freshness, no power can ever again make it what it was,
We arame aptanot to realise it when we are well-off, the-just washed dog
rolls in 'the~mud--tdry- himself, the just got'-upqviled, curled, and
figged out child vouchers himself on his cambric frock, the happy
youth just come into. 10,00' a year takes. to. racing, the lucky stock-
jobber or city swell isn't content to try and rough it on "a hundred
thousand pound," but speculates, and the man with a doting wife doesn't
one bit appreciate the glorious prize he has won but-seeks for. more !
Alas, we never know when we ought to be content, but look to. this, if
anybody loves you, REALLY loves',you-and there is no mistaking
the real thing, if you are soe'isessed as to possess it, for the counteleit
-prize that love, oh prize it, se6thatbt is not your fault if-,it faderfor
when your voice has lost its power, your smile has lost 'its ,chams
you'll never regret :it but once, but -that oncoe0 dear boy, wilfl e-.
Some one, French: feller, says "1N'dlody evertbelieves Viirtu tor be
Virtue unless she.appears as a bore! .Ennueyuse," Sir Frendhmaia;
is your -word, butis e not on wi' you sir, because-fortunateS.- ii
isn'ttrue: wouldd :indeed be "hard lines if thertwere nothing fi .,u
between the dee4ian&dthe dummy-monde.
Love is likA.sunsMine, as tlellatter softens your bear's-grease, yet
hardens the varnisNi on yow bdots;,-.so does' Lee affect different
natures, so does love makek th rtd. hhwaecorrsticriinmp'and that
which was sofa4Wlmaant.
Love is like moonshine, absurdly like moonshine; as it whitens and-
brightens, and otherwise heightens and lightenswthetobject it strikes
on only, leaving everyone else the shadier by comparison.
Love is a magnifying glass, which does not give enchantment, only
lenz it, to those in it.
No one, no, no one is ever deaf to the voice of Love: we have all of
us an ear in our heart that catches its faintest whisper.
What. oh what, are widows but-wheed-ling creatures !
Wonderful it is, isn't it, how different, how extraordinarily 'different,
different things look in different lights: for -instance, all the' doctors
are unanimous in saying they think Mas. AtTREKYNNES-ATTRKYNNES
wants "keeping up;" ATTERYNNES-ATTZKYNNES, on the contrary,
says he knows she wants keeping down .
Then again, look at the Burlesques as seen-'from your point
of view and from your wife's, and yet, .you know, she likes
putting on her, tightest and- newest and pootiest boots on the
windyest days, and- then -you can't for the -lifei of you' get to
see 'em in the same light others do-; but, pshaw we might
if we had space, or time to 'think it out (will same day) give you a
thousand examples, but let one more suffice; our sketch at the end of
this chapter, look at it; do, there's a good feller; well, you no doubt
l''ppsesi4'b meant'to represent one obfthesehlnumbugging little legless
mblers which you see seedy Italian parties selling i the' street, you
think it's simply an Ottoman with a feather in his cap, and a very
badly drawn one too, now don't you P but just oblige us by' turning
him upside down will you, and then look at it eh,? How
about it now P ah things are deceptive, aren't they P You seesnow that
it is not an ottoman, but a lovely woman, sitting on-,one&; the'pride, of
the Sin WALTER RALEIGH oh! (pshaw I Sirraleigh igwemean) thejoy,
the light of the Harem! The t Peri of Pera 1 a gal at- a Galatta
Shown sitting by the Bosphorus;
With eyes as bright as phosphotus, .
anything, in fact, but a legless tuminbler!
Dear boy, in this mundane sphere-it is vary' frequently'dangeonus,
and nearly always disappointin*'to- -judge #olely by appearances,
for seeing is not always belieniJ&& we, have'let you dowvery'easii:;
you thought you had only a le4etumbldiand you find yow*hlwe-e
a lovely lady, but be csrei.O r besoawful,-or you mWBsomu. da-
reverse, horribly reverse thet ordaen of things, and, thith FOh hve
got the lovely lady, find ala6~rsAa- -- tee
A LAY BY A,- LUNATIC.
(Suited for fodes'h MIusic.)
SI N1VERt was-I nover w114,
I never would be constantystill,.
Let torrents rear their'oloud.kist brows,
S; And mountains bear away'our cows,
I never was-I nd4er wore-
i j I never won't havet*6n to there !
The yacht that carols -on-the bough
Can never -never-tllelyou how".
The ophicleile, with'peonsivo smat,
t Has planted parsnips a my heart"t-
t I never mightsI didn't won'1f,'
And never must, because I don't!
Tear off the mask; and bid' the rose
The onion's panoply disclose,
Or bid the mute flamingo howl
In.faint falsetto like the owl,
I couldn't did-I wouldn't may,
I mustn't-shustn't-any way !
Some'lonoly drain-pipe let us seek
And take provisions for the week;
Therto our organ's massive tones
We'll dance gavottes, and mumble bones.
I didn't would-I mightn't must-
But if I was, may I be cussed,!
In the Conut'Nows of a daily paper we lately'read:-
Balmoral Caiti h
To day wks thManatversaryiof the Queen's blrthday.- Tae Ca-lri Ceiat
serenade&-heta5t&JTy:ina the.maflin. -
Only wheh'a royal residence.imlareland is maintained-a faet w'I*dp*.
soon to be ablo-to record*-shall, we believe that her Majesty lias:blea
"serenaded "-in the morning !
18 FU N [JULY 8, 1871.
"WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR IT."-A FAIRY LEGEND.
Yes, he was happy, yet his soul seemed to yearn Some time after this he had a vision. That night, as he strolled home from the vision, the
for an unknown something. yearned-for something flashed upon him.
He would be a fairy. He sought the assistance of beneficent and experienced mediums. And ere long, beaming with innocent joy, he danced o'er the
moonlit sward of his native Wandsworth.
"Skearin' the belated oit as he trudied homeward o'er Filling the natives with a nameless horror, propagated by preposterous paragraphs
the Wandsworthian wilds, in the local" Winkle."'
~ IH AN ELL
IL l !
that romantic suburb became a
And the fearful eye of the law rolled And Be has changed his address.
upon that village.
3]F-r'T Sj-JULY 8, 1871.
NOT TO BE SCARED!
Bull:-" POOH, STUFF PUT THOSE THINGS DOWN, YOU CAN'T FRIGHTEN
ME WITH THEM."
SJULY 8, 1871.]
-FTT- T. ,
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
Ma. TEGETmEIEn has taken the occasion of the recent Anglo-Belgian
Concours to bring out a book -on The' Homing or Carrier Pigeon
(ROUTLnDGE, Broadway) which, while it destroys many poeti illusions-
Sabout Love's feathered messenger, gives a' vast amount .of usefull
practicalinformation. One' passage we must quote, as expressing our'
,opinion -as to the "'Tournaments of>Doves,"'which-are the inhuman.
Fashion of a degraded race.:-
*During the summer season, thousandsweekly of.th'-Belgian Voyageur Pigeons
are shot a the pigeon-shooting clubs in this country, where aristocratic gunners
stand with doublt-barrelled.guns, twenty-fiveyards from the traps, and think they
are worthy of the title of sportsmen if they succeed in butchering their puey in this
ignobleinianner. I sm no maudlin sentimentalist; I know that Nature is prodigal
-of life,aud,that of every twenty pigeonsborn? not more than one can be allowed to"
arrive at maturity, and increaseits.kind, orthe world Would soon be-overstocked
"with pigeons; but this does not increase my respect forntheir players. I believe the
best possible use you can put a deliberate murderer to is to hang, him, pour en-
courager. leratarel; but this belief does not raise the hangman to the dignity of a
gentleman in my estimation; nor can I see any more true sport or manly dignity in
the performance of a laxguid-swellwboiback~hmimself to kill forty4flve pigeons out
of fifty, his valet-ie-ebambre loading-hisgun, than in that of the vulgar snob who
wagers, that he will kill and dress a dozen sheep in less time. than any other
Sbuthker-gambling, notesporting, is the aim of'both.
It is a 'pity the S. P.. C. A. 'does mot have this,.passage written in'
letters of gold, 'and presented to.th -Hurlingham Club.
.How to Live on Sixpemee a Day (LONGMANS, 'Paternoster Row) is a
pretty'little fiction- by DH. NICHOLS, who seems to carry.his '"hunger-
cure" a little too far.. He seems to forget, too, that if the rich dil not
spend money on luxuries.the poor man would often want even sixpence
a day to live upon.
The Dental Profession "(fAmDWicKE,.Piccadilly) may be a true bill,
but a pamphlet attacking an anonymous quack, and addressed to lan
anonymous journal by an_'anonymous .author, .does not-carry much
MIE "WA rsearTON'S. 8hakespeare 'opy- Bodi' (CASSELL, ,PETTEI, AND
SGALri. )is a good notion, -well carried:out.. Lithographed sentences
from -the poet are better sermon in stones ".than the trite, old copy-
book maxims. "_ _
THE -Boston people -call theiriFoundmingi Hospital, a'"Rlefuge for'
Anonymous Humanity.".. ITnMihtherAzariean.toWn, whewe,there are
large imports of Humanity fiomireland,.arsimilar establishmentia, w'e"
are informed, called.a. hemafor '",fancf.d4efa PAT-rie!"
Hi I Watch I
BRowi-got- in-a .crowd- the othoenday-;,-adct1an he got out of it
found he had loft his watchbehind." The loser would be very glad to
get it.bhck, even if he had. to pay,a good sum; indeed he would have
:advertised a description 'of. the missing property, were it not that he
-fears folk would think he, wakjoking.when he Mid. his watch was a
'Affinity and a Funn3* .Tie.
..A BarsTOL aper announces the. marriage .of an. old.Indian general to
a .young. ady. of twenty, who thus .becomes a. rgra.dmother-inmlaw.
Although 'a. man may not. marry his grandmother,." we cannot, help
thinking it would have. been pardonable if one of the general's- sons
had married his grandmother-before she qualified for tho,eappoint-
A Fortunate Escape.
THE roof of a chapoelat Bolton fell-in .one Sunday,morning lately,
.but luckily no. one was killed. Possibly the congregation may have
reason to- present a. testimonial to a pastor who was :'long-winded
enough to keep them.,out of danger. We -have always'wondered if
long sermons could be of any practical use.
'A Sanguine Speculation.
"Ax Illinois-.paper' calls itself the. ,Artery,", says a contemporary,
"in the hope of.pushing its circulation." Yet success will alt.depend
upon whether it is carried on in the right vein. The- principal out-
pourings of ..the ;Artery will,- of course, be what..: one .wouldfr dub
.THE Government--hich repressed by force the peaceable prooeasion
of 'the mhtch 'makers -- permits a. turbulent meeooting of 'Jondon
Communista- in'?Trafqlgar Square. The Government gives theniyope
.enough;' weoshill be,'happy to head aesubscription to supplembt the
donation with' the- requisite-amount' efdart's tail.
iDriank Deep I
TawEeirian hpring,---A, Eount of Type.
LONG LIVE THE
The Corporation have taken steps to prevent tl ,e
enclosure ot Wandswortkh Flats by Lord Cowley.- \, /,s. '
Fide Papers. h ,I
WEins a most eccentric nation, '
For we chaff what we like best;- I
And at times the Corporation
We have laughed at, 'tis confessed.
But we prize them notwithstanding,
For whenever wicked men
'Gainst our liberties are banding;
They're, we know, our champions then.
For our City leads the nation- I
It is England's English heart:
From old times our Corporation
Aye has nobly played its part-
The despot's anger braving,
It stood foh7freedoih forth,
Saved the countryfrom enslaving, "
East and West and, South andt North. -,
For the weakl againstthe stronger
It would ever.take-thc field.
Now-wo:draw the sword no longer-
Now the- lawy.'r',bill we wield.\\
ABut igallent Corporation
ti'Hastaiot.idlegrown a whit-
Wanstead Flats Appropriation-
"erv: Lose COWLEY with" .urit! .
'Ihuid~ehouted they the warscry, ,
.H And m-iss Fux with exultation-
iA% wil tens of thousands more cry- 7
Nowl 'opg live the Corporation" I___,.
iBurn or BuryP "' EXAMINE HIS MOUTH FOR HIS AGE."
died in a cemetery." 'We can'thelp thinking Reetor's daughter(to Bunday-school-boy):-" O, You HATE AN 2LDanSR'BR-m:-WWLL
bhe.- would more- itly have expired.on their .OW OLD IS HE?
fmnerLpdeh they lit in the centre of Paris. BShoolboy:-" DuNNo', MISS, UT Hnz'S JUST STAaTED O'SWEARING."
22 F UI[JU 8, 1871.
SCARBOROUGH AND SARONY'S.
LIVES there the man with soul so dead who never to himself has
said this is my own my native land (though why he should continue
to say so when once he has ascertained the fact, I never could under-
stand) ; and confoundedly sick am I of Fleet-street and the Strand, to
say nothing of the International Exhibition, the Crystal Palace, the
Royal Academy, and other spectacles grand, such as MR. DAN GODFREY
and the Grenadiers' band discoursing sweet strains while pigeons fall by
aristocratic hand (I'd rather play chuckfarthing in a taproom with the
floor covered with sand than slaughter the poor little birds that have
been so cruelly trepanned). And lives there the individual who at this
time of the year is not apt to make the remark, that he is tired of the
ornamental water in St. James's Park; that the tedium of town has
made his jaws gape wide, that it pleases him no more in Rotten Row to
ride, or to watch MADEMOISELLE SAN-GALLI at the Alhambra through
her entrechats glide; that the Christy Minstrels, who never perform
out of London, he never could abide; and that he should dearly like
to run down to the seaside ? But whither, the imaginary tourist con-
tinues, shall I go; there's nothing but sand at Southend, and Herne
Bay is decidedly slow; Bognor is pretty and cosy, but they're always
late with the papers ; and (since the TcHBomNE case has been on I thirst
for the morning news) and Dover is full of drunken soldiers, and
Gravesend fuller of shrimps ani Jews. When, and oh where shall I
take my whiff of the briny ? Brighton is easily accessible from town,
but in summer it's hot, shadeless, and intolerably shiny; and the
landlord of the Old Ship" is a friend of mine, which sometimes leads
to my getting improperly winy." Margate is hall very well; I mean
(being a cockney) that it's "Hall by the Sea;" but I am precluded
from visiting it through the fact that I am indebted to MRS. PULEX,
who lets furnished lodgings, in the sum of three pounds three. Similar
reasons render Ramsgate equally distasteful to me ; since it has been
stated in a County Court judgment (due to the decree of malignant
Fate) that the proprietor of the Royal Crayfish Hotel has a claim
against me for eight pounds eight. I lost a BENSON's chronometer and
two books of Lord Hair's the very last time but one I was staying at
Broadstairs. As for Hastings it's redolent of affectation and presump-
tion; and it's too painful at Ventnor to see the hopeless cases of con-
sumption; of which, goodness knows, I see too much in town, for I
live at Brompton. You can scarcely call Southampton a watering-place
unless you accept water as being synonymous wath mud; and though
Southsea's a charming place they are always firing off cannons on the
common, or from the Spithead forts, and the roar of the artillery
freezes my blood. A man must be an idiot or at least have a peculiar
craze if he goes to such a one-horse place as Walton-on-the-Naze; and
most assuredly he is fit fir a padded room and a strap-garnished
Colney Hatch couch if he visits inland watering-places such as Harro-
gate, or Ashby-de-la-Zouch. I'm fond of good attendance, and hate
places where they don't answer the bells, and the inattention of the
servants (although I dote on the Pantiles) in that respect has made me
inimical to Tunbridge Wells. As fir Bath I would willingly go there,
for I love the dear old place, and in this I'd fain be believed; but I'm
acquainted with a lady there who keeps a school where none but the
daughters of gentlemen are received; To her, in youth's sweet spring-
time I talked (and wrote) a quantity of amorous flummery; and she
sued me for damages, and, with the proceeds went away and married a
clergyman, a distant relation of MR.WALTER MONTGOMERY. Besides, it's
the sea shore I love, the bathing machines, and the shells; the sea-
weed, the fresh fish in the morning; the flirtations at the library and
the pastrycook's, the telescopes, the camera obscura and the swells.
I'm not one of Circe's, or rather MR. BRITTAN RIVIERE'S muck-and-
slush-loving swine, or I'd stay in London and bathe in the dirty old
Serpentine. No, no, I want the much-sounding sea with its storm
and its calm, and the eloquent sound of its waves is to me as Gileadan
Balm. I feel quite young again, and as pleasantly mad as a hatter
when I stand on the sand in my socks, and cry Thalatta Thalatta!"
And really, taking all things into consideration, I don't think there's
a prettier or more genuine watering-place, fuller of cheerfulness,
picturesqueness and grace; and where at every other turn you meet a
pretty face (and at the Crown Hotel they give you turbot for dinner
and not plaice ; though some people prefer the Grand forthe sake
of the splendour and space)-I repeat that I am not aware of a single
English sea-bathing locality, which can be so sincerely commended
for beauty, reasonable charges, lamb cutlets, green peas and morality
(for moral people are generally very good hands at a knife and fork),
than rocky and rural SCARBOROUGH in the county of York.
Some would say Yorkshire ; but that's a matter of taste. I ran
down to Scarboro' a fortnight ago, and can only regret that I was in
such desperate haste that I hadn't time one half of the delights of the
place to taste. I was able, however, to visit SARONY'S," which in the
opinion of most qualified judges throughout England, and, indeed,
JULY 8, 1871.] 23
throughout the world quite alone is. SARONY is a gentleman of
highly developed artistic faculties combined with scientific capability
who, realising what might by some be accounted an Utopian dream,
has actually succeeded in carrying on photography by steam. He has
one of the largest and handsomest studios that ever you saw, situated
in Sarony Square," within a few yards of the Crown Hotel and
the Spa; and if from his studio a little to the left you direct your
course back, you'll find another studio, where, by means of a monstrous
camera, nearly as big as a NASMYTHS' steam hammer, SARO n ttkes the
portraits of ladies and gentlemen: on horseback. 'There's aw ery good
and sufficient reason why through the whole. of the summer season the
grand saloon of the studio of this wonderful SAno t,(he took, many
years, ago, a portrait of..ALBom, and also one of thelate BnSm CUSACK
RoNerY-, and if the Exile of .Ohiselhurst visits. the Yorkshire coast I
"daumay our enterprising operator will take'an album' portrait of
SBoNsEr ")-there area .hundred,.and one reasons I repeat why when
=arborough's full (and it's never dull) the- cream of:.theo-roam of
nobiI.t. with the flower of literary and artistic ability, and .a:tinga of
dtandyish imbecility, (ILmean those overdressed gabies various as' Mn.
fOfGSLEY's Water Babies '.').should.all find there way to:.the atudio
6tfSAinoNY who, if they.wishto be focusede" will beoveryhappy to-take
their .money; but if to..look and lounge they only.stay; why look
and lounge theyJfreely may, amidst English girls-who are-,,sweetly
prot'v, and literary girls; who. are exceedingly 'witty, andpainters
".W.4Wo in appearance are occasionally somewhat gritty, and a, number of
exeeedingly wealthy people from the City, and children fresh -from
theirr sea dipping, who come in 'with their hair dripping, andthrough
.4AInow.y's corridors may be found shipping, andi:tumblingnoveri.ono
ghanther (for -which they sometimes get a whipping). .Inu'.Aort,
SA,, si's is the b ue rIalof ...rboroin h without anyirnulette ar-game I
could never make h.taJ or I ni of ve-t It's a placedor conversatiomand
i miaipilation and 'crueatic.n. and a little flirtation;saand. ifiArther
liJformation you crave;,,as a boon, I respectfully3mrefer yow, to aiR.
. Bin ',., cartoon. P. PEARXASSUs'.(blate withimoBs).
A Armxo the vessels employed at Zanzibas'inJool4ng-ateon alavers is
hl'eColumbine, which has just despatched several;boate. to, seeafter the
[We have inserted this-may we call it "joke ? in charity. The
pantomimist who was driven to commit it by hunger and distress does
not expect work until next Christmas.]
Look out !
AN enthusiastic contemporary after gushing about the benefits of
the recent rain-to be sure it does not say how much it has benefited
the hay-says, "There is every reason now to look for summer in
,-earnest." Bless its innocent soul, we have had reason to look. for "
summer anytime this last six weeks. We 'should prefer to see it!
Ignaviter vel Ignorabiliter P
THE Broad Arrow opens its first article in last week's number with
Readers of naval intelligence.
'This is a little unkind to its subscribers in.the fleet. Readers of naval
intelligence must be quite at sea on all questions.
'IN the'event-of any.embarrassment arising on this head, we place
our :services, at the disposal of Government. Extry editionss are
soften necessitated at 80, Fleet-street, and it's Asphalte to Macadam
but we can settle the question.
Perhaps (but we don't vouch for it),
HI. R. I. THE PRINCE or WALEs prefers plover's to duck's eggs.
The barrel organ maybe mastered without a course of grinding."
JONEs is peaceably disposed, even when going to Hammer-Smith.
Teetotallers may be found who'object to the Street Orderly bin.
'Arry, of Margate notoriety, would be better appreciated at 'Arry'ch.
There is more than a difference between the Sciolist and. Socialist.
Printers have good reason to respect-Ems.
The fair never indulge in-rough guesses.
Next in importance to a dip of the Pen, is the dip of the Compass.
.A: Musical Note.
CLE Bu L is writing a book entitled The Soul of the Violin, so -says
the .Musie"I Standard.. -Is our informant 'quite sure about the name of
theowork ? It might be' This Oe of the YViofi, a biography.
CoMt, EMa. BsmeeFonn HorPE, I say !
This is no right use of your pow'r,
Opposing the tram-road-the people's way :
For class-legislation too late the hour,
And if it's no case of brougham or 'bus"
(That it isn't that, mind, not sure I am)
On behalf of 'bus companies put it thus-
The omnibus interest versus tram."
Besides it seems to my poor conceit
That much of the -opposition is owed
To Tthe fact of living where Oxford-street
Goes past the end of the Edgware Boad;
Or surely it would not seem right in your eyes
To abolish trams. For it is not fair
That the broughams those roads should monopolise,
"tWhich all people pay to keep in repair.
I like you, .BERESPORD HoPE, so well
That you from blunders I'd fain withhold-
Give place and to spare for the weak young swell
To talk more nonsense a hundred .fold!
So hush!-I bid you this counsel to keep-
Don't interfere with the Tramways planned.
.There, that's my advice now go to sleep,
And be silent on things you don't understand.
Millions and Playbill-ions.
Ar-evening contemporary states that:-
Among the foreign artists who have lately arrived in London is Madame Miliano,
a young lady of good family, whom circumstances have compelled to adopt a pro-
The new cantatrice should be strong in her upper notes, for she comes
not from the "upper ten but from the "upper Milian(o)."
A Literary Note.
WE see announced a book entitled The Snapt Gold Rm.g, by
FREDERICK WEDMORE. Surely a WED-onsR is capable of repairing
IT forcibly reminds us of the "poor Indian with" untutor'd mind"
when in sultry weather we seoo. a legal gentleman in a.wig-wa(r)m.
[We cannot return unaccepted' H.SS: or Sletrhms; unless they are acceom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
W. W.-We are half inclined to insert your verses on, account of the
ingenuity of the rhyme "attic and "attack it." But thenwe are halfl-
inclined not to.insert them, and the latter half is thetbigger.
T. (Preston).-Thanks for the facts.
W. R.-We have added mentally another question to your why. indeed"
series. Why sent to us?
C. (Holles-street).-If you are
very fond of scribbling
Trifling little things in verse,"
do try to rhyme more liberally than once in four lines.
C. (West Ildley).-The stories you have heard are probably' without
foundation. Stick to your studies, and leave punning alone.
OBSERanTIONS BY A WEATHER EYB."-With too much green in it,
.due to the rains.
TIP (Sussex).-You have missed your tip, to speak typically.
R. (Crewe).-Well, if he did, R hadn't much to crow about.
PEACE SoCIETY.-Why pelt us with perpetual paragraplihs Arc we not
entitled to Peace I
EARNEST.-We would rather be benighted thanBee-Wrighted.
J. S. (Twickenham).-We have no objection to your "trying to-turn a
few verses." But we shan't re-turn them if you don't comply with- our
GIAcoxo.-Don't send us any more of your comic copy-wo have hardly
yet recovered from the depression of reading it. We should prefer your
leaving a five act tragedy-you owe us a laugh.
Declined with thanks :-R. A. L. P. H.; -, Keighley; P.' R., Batterees;
F. W. S., Liverpool road; A. M. B., Hull; W., Brick Court; Plumstead;
A. H., Milborne-grove; E. L., Glasgow; J. C. B.; L. C., Ware, Buffy;
Silex, Junior Alt; F., South Croydon;. J. D., Blackheath; The Colonel;
M. B., Heygate-street; J. A. D, Glasgow;. R.; S. T.,lverpool; B.;
W. J., Kingsland; The Avenger: A Writist; D. D., JAeb; Oatis;
W. M., Lower Broughton; J., Ipswich; ,J. ,B., Rotheram 0. O. H.;
M. A. C., Poplar; A.; Bless us!; R., Islington;. MXoA.,.Edinbvrg;
Theorist; F. C. J. B.,.Dawlish.
;24 L .. [JULY 8, 1871.
EX-HOSS-TIV E REASONING.
Old Graball, having left business, is recommended. a little gentle horse exercise. After seeing the quiet animal his niece thought likely
to suit him, he says :that "on reflection he does not care for horse exercise."
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
WHO will not accord a hearty welcome to the Household Edition of
Charles .Dickens's Works, published in penny numbers weekly, or six-
pence a month! The heartiest thanks are due to MESSRS.. CHAPMAN-
AND HALL for placing them within reach of all in this spirited way.
The familiar green wrapper has a clever design, including the figures of
old friends, and the illustrations of Uliver Twist, with which the series
begins are admirable. Ma. MAHONY had a difficult task to give old
friends with new features, but he has succeeded in the most happy
manner. And oh, what a big sixpenn'orth it is!
THE Gentleman's Magazine is an excellent number. "Dartmoor" is
amusing, and there is much interest in "The Last Days of the Com-
mune" and "The Inner Life of Napoleon," though the latter is too
obviously the work of a partizan. One of his statements-that
NAPOLEON, after the Morning Chronicle affair, would not subsidise an
English paper-is clearly erroneous. The Valley of Poppies moves
Ma. JCusTI McCARTHY's Lochinvar at Salt Lake is the gem of
Belgravia this. month; it. reads as if it had truth for a foundation.
" Cowes and the Amateur Fleet" is good, and Progress in Paris is
graphic, but its author writes in a melancholy strain, as if he knew
that that moon, which used to shine so obligingly on nights which the
MR: STREETER, successor to Hancock & Co. (Limited),37, Con-
duit-street, leading from Bond-street, W. All articles sold at 37,
Conduit-street are of the best London make.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD SUITES from 10 10s.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD CHAINS from 3.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD BRACELETS from 5.
EIGHTEEN-OARAT GOLD BROOCHES from 2.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD BRIDESMAIDS' LOCKETS from 1.
MR. STIRBETEa, 37, Conduit-st.. W., introducer of 18-carat gold jewel-
lory, machine made. Illustrated Catalogue post free for two stamps.
almanacs described as off-nights, will never more silver-plate for him
the festivities of an Imperial Court.
The High Mills increases in power and interest in this number of
Good Words ; MR. BUCHANAN is very welcome, too, in "Tiger Bay," a
poem after his former style, infinitely superior to his later works. The
art is, as usual, of a high order, the frontispiece to The High Mills"
being a splendid drawing.
Seeing them Home.
IT is stated that out of 39 regiments there are upwards of three
thousand total abstainers in the army, and that "the post of honour is
occupied by the 46th regiment, which has 250 total abstainers." We
are'not so sure about the honourable nature of the distinction, since
the only men who have any excuse for being total abstainers are those
who have proved themselves to be incapable of a moderate enjoyment
of honest liquor.
NOTICE.-Now ready, the Twentieth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
THE THIRTEENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 6s.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Beading Cases, ls. 6d. each.
MR. STREETER, successor to Hancock & Co. (Limited), 37, Con-
duit-street, leading from Bond-street, W., introducer of machine-made
watches and clocks.
SILVER ENGLISH LEVER WATCHES, from 3 3s.
GOLD ENGLISH LEVER WATCHES, from 8 8s.
GOLD KEYLESS ENGLISH LEVER WATCHES, from 16.
CLOCKS (CARRIAGE), from 5.
CLOCKS, for the dining-room, drawing-room, library, and
boudoir; bronzes, &c.-Ma. STan B aT 37, Conduit-st., Steam Works,
Coach and Horses-yard. Illustrated Catalogue post free for two stamps
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : July 8, 1871.
JULY 15, 1871.] FUN 25
I HAVE dwelt for some years
In this valley of tears,
And I thus my experience confess-
If a man would succeed,
But one thing will he need-
There is nothing succeeds like success .
There's famed Dfu. A,
Who lives over the way,-
To consult him what hundreds will press:
While poor B, who's next door,
Twice his skill has-and more-
But there a no thing succeeds like success.
There's that clever chap C,
Whose pictures will be
By the hangers rejected, I guess.
While dull D., the R.A.,
Gathers money all day-
For there's nothing succeeds like success
His smart comedy, E
Is still fated to see
By the managers scorned, sans redress.
While there's F's latest twaddle
Held up as a model.
There is nothing succeeds like success.
Then the public still shirk
G's last-published work,
Full of genius and power, nevertheless.
While H, for his trash,
Appears coining the cash. ,
Oh, there's nothing succeeds like success.
The whole alphabet through
I this text might pursue,
But, oh, why need I further digress!
For 'tis clear on this head
That from A down to Z
There is nothing succeeds like success.
THE CROQUET TOURNAMENT OF 1871.
tween O TE ILLITERATE. Reading "be- This is the neat and seasonable style of thing we observed at Wimldon last week.
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES. ECHO ANSWERS "'WARE."
GLonous summer. Continual wet. Glass doesn't rise. Rivers THE action of trover recently brought against the Echo is calculated
do. = H. M. S. Agincourt gets a purl on a rock. = Tichborne case to to alarm timid editors. Accordingly the universal "we" has been
be adjourned for a while. Give the counsel engaged time to cool. = thrown into a flutter. What a pity it is that so few newspapers adopt
All England Croquet Tournament at Wimbledon. Great demand for our system. In the basement of our office there is a manufactory of
mallets and umbrellas. = Rifle Association Camp on Wimbledon. fire-doors. In our room there is a small cupboard, over the door of
There will be no lack of water there this year. = GAMETTA elected which is suspended a sharp axe-blade. A large pipe or funnel connects
for Paris. Was stirred up with a long poll, about 114,806! VIxroR the cupboard with the underground factory. When a fellow comes
HuGo fails to be elected and is MAislrable. = London School Board worrying us for his MS. we beg him just to look in the cupboard and
proposes to establish twenty schools. We'll believe them when we pick it out. Then comes the chop of the descending blade followed by
see them! Oratorio at Albert Hall. Lots of people went to-see the fall of a heavy body down the funnel, (We may add, parenthetically,
the music. = EMPERo and EmPnEss OF BRaZIL visited by HER that the great secret of the fire doors is the peculiar density of the lead
MAJEsTy. But they still stop at Claridge's!= Great rowin the House which enters into their composition.) An arrangement with a large
over the Ballot Bill. Loan CLD HAMILTON gets a wigging, though dealer in dairy-fed pork, and an annual assignment of old clothes to
a,Tory. = Leni MoRLEY's Betting Bill creates a great excitement. deserving charities completes the affair.
Tremendous odds against its passing! = It is understood that Loan "Don't their friends make inquiries about 'em?" Why, fellows,
MoRLEY's bill would be supported by several peers, who unfortunately who add to the injury of pestering editors with idiotic copy, the insult
can't take their places in the House-owing to circumstances. = of wanting it back again, have no friends.
South London Temperance Society had an excursion to Hastings. The whole cost of the machinery amounts to a few shillings only.
Rather more water in the weather than even they cared for. = Our contemporaries are at liberty to adopt this system, on the condition
Weavers' strike at Blackburn over. Operatives saw mischief looming that they will not, in the excess of their gratitude, erect a statue of us.
in the distance. = Belgian Government puts its paw on Spa gaming
tables. = Ma. DENT announces an "All England Angling Competi- Act, instead of Dorking I
tion" on the Nidd. Good news for the Nidd-iots. = BEE WRIGHT
retires into obscurity. Wright man in the Wright place. CowU vow MOLTKE is to visit England to be present at the great
military gathering and sham fight to take place on the Berkshire
Downs in September. Gentleman Volunteers, be good enough to
Verb. Sat. Sap. scatter your drill broadcast, and learn your business so thoroughly
Verb. at. Sap. that the German commander may know that our Berks are not worse
WE clip this from a Yankee paper :- than our bite.
A man in Illinois committed suicide by drowning lately in six inches of water.
He couldn't have done it alone ; but his wife, with that self-saerifling devotion For the Sake of Argument.
and helpfulness so characteristic of the sex, sat on his head.
Our friend. N. Psca, says that he thinks the readiness of wives to LET your words be of an ornate, fluent, florid character-no one
sit upon" the nead of the family is not peculiar to America. can then say that he has but your bare statement.
[Readers are implored not to repeat this rit in the hearing of
MRS. P.] SuBunnx RE-TREAT FOR THU CoNwvivuL.-Stan'more.
roL. Xv. D
26 FUN. [J'Jr 15, 1871.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 12, 1871.
"THE REGION OF SURPRISE."
WOULD you be surprised to hear
This case may linger on a year?
Would you be surprised to leamsn
The jurymen for respite yearn?
Would you be surprised to know
The papers still would have it goP
Would you be
Surprised to see
The case concluded, R. C. T. ?
Would you be surprised to find
The public can't make up its mind ?
Would you be surprised to read
The judge feels very ill indeed P
Would you be surprised to learn
The Court will very soon adjourn ?
SWould you be
Surprised to see
The case concluded, R. C. T. ?
Would you be surprised to glean
What the defence's line may mean ?
Would you be surprised to hear
The counsel all feel very queer ?
Would you be surprised to know
Bets on the case are all the go ?
Would you be
Surprised to see
The case concluded, L. C. T. P
LARRY H 0 RR3I4IE.
A NO FL BY AN OBIOeZHAL.
[WE omit this as uninteresting.]
[Same as chapter one. Let us pass to chapter twenty.)
"LAMnY," said the Commander-in-chief galloping up to where I
was sitting in the battery, squinting along a twenty-four pounder with
one eye and keeping the other on an Irish stew I was making for our
mess, "LAIUIY," says he, "just tip the army a stave. It's a mighty
ugly fix we're in, me boy, and so just keep up' their spirits while I lay
It did not need another word to rouse me to a sense of my duty to
my country. Leaping on the back of my charger I put him straight
at the forty-foot wall: of the fortress behind me, and alighting in the
courtyard invited the garrison to our watchfire-" Whiskey and a little
music; small and early."
In about an hour we were gathered around the sputtering logs, and
while the gunners passed round the tea and muffins I indulged the
brave fellows with a song.
If you've met with the WIDDY O'SsEA,,
What a fortunate fellow you'll.be !
She is forty and fair,.
And she's money to, spare-
And there's nothing can beat s. d.i
There's in nothing that's like s. d.
So says I to the WwvDY O'SHEA-
And I made her sit down on my knee
Just consent to be mine,
And you'll never repine."
Buther answer was Fiddle de.dee-
Yes,. her answer was Fiddle de doe !"
I had not noticed, so absorbed was I in the sweet strains of my
native land, how deeply my simple melody had affected my listeners.
One by one they had stolen back into the fort.
I was just about to accept the .encore which I felt this delicate
appreciation was intended to convey, when looking up I perceived a
stranger standing gazing at me.
He was short and stout. He wore a grey overcoat and a cocked
hat, and he carried' his hands behind him.
".Aha, man brave," said he in a playful tone, pinching my ear,
"qu'est ce que vous singer la? Vous aves un trbs peculiar voix. C'est
aussi bon qu'un battery de cannons car di a fait tous vos soldiers runner
I was about to reply when, bang! went a gun in the fort behind me.
Our fellows had discovered that NAPOLEON-for it was no other than
le petit Capora--was within shot, and, they dropt a shell between us,
in the hope of bringing the campaign to a sudden conclusion..
Hang it all, ma bouchal," thought I, it'll be all up with NAP, it's
true, but divvle a bit of LAnEr 'll be left to tell the story.. Self-pre-
servation is the first law of nature."
I stept up to the shell, and after lighting my pipe, which had gone
out while I was singing, I extinguished the hissing monster in the
slop-basin, which was providentially half full.
NAPOLEON, who had been hastily making his will on his thumb-nail,
in the belief that the next moment would be his last, breathed again 1
Bravo, men garqon," he exclaimed, Vous Sies plucqui comme tous
Bedad and that's true," I replied, "but look here, if you stop here,
they'll fire again, and they might hit me next time-so aitz vous en !"
"Morbleu. Vous dtes droit," says he, and he looked around.for a
way of escape.
Viola!" said I, pointing to my charger, Viola un horse qui vous
carrier ou vous voukez. Afais ne le puttez pas a un wall plus gue seventy
feet haut, parcqu'il e le clearerapas "
He smiled, and took my horse and my advice:
Promise moi que vous ne singerez quani vous fighterer avec mes
troupes. Nous sommes une musical nation, ot peutktre vous ks makerez
prendre au flight !"
Potater said I "Ah, there you appeal to. my best feelings, my
home-associations, tar les kidngs rotates de mon paya e swear que je ne
singerai pas "
He slipped the cross of the Legion of Honour into my waistcoat
pocket and rode away.
[We have suppressed this and the subsequent chapters.. We think
we have read something like them before.]
The only British Weather Guide.
WHEN 'tis sunny prudent men
May say "it is not raining "-then
Or when it rains the livelong day,
May hint the chance "'twill go away!"
But add, from knowledge of the rain,
Tis probable 'twill come again."
If you'd a weather prophet be,
Accept this brief advice from.me;,
If you fine weather should foretell,
Nine out of ten will prove a sell;
But if foretelling rain's your line.,
You'll find you're right-ten out of nine!
Calling the Colliers over the Coals.
A CORRESPONDENT of the Western Mail reports with reference to' a.
colliers' strike in Wales that:-
Having come out, the men are indisposed to return to work without the five per-
cent., and thus acknowledge themselves beaten.
In all friendliness we remind these hard toilers that even Gold i
daily beaten,-on its merits, and surely coal, only less precious, can
afford.to follow soot.
Too Mueh of a Good Thing.
Pnre.crT ventilation in the House of Commons is in every sense rof
the word of paramount necessity, but we should be glad to see hen.
members less prone to "airing "-their crotchets.
A Shield's amang Ye.
IT appears probable that in the long run the guns will be more than
a match for the armour plates;-in that case our coasts will present
one vulnerable spot-Shields.
Ax American paper, gravely states that-.
Miss Mary Wattles and Mrs. Helen Comb have formed acoe-partnership im KMsass
for the practioeof law.
None of their larks! "Wattles and Comb,"' e h? That cock-wok't
;JnLY 15, 1871.] F iJ )N
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE
GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
SPooNFUL XXI[.-PAT I.
NTON is strength no
it isn't; if you haven't
got we are speaking
bymeneally if you
haven't got a precious
lot of precious money
on the contrary, it's
anything but strength,
it's simply the very
greatest weakness you
can indulge in. We
know very well that
"Ubi mel, ibi apes"!
which, being translated
properly, bel home
means Ubi where
---mel there 'is a Ewet
creechar cibi there-
apes monkeys are sure
to be after her 1 We
grant you this is but
natural, we acknowledge
it is only human nature
to think unien is
strength." But, 0 dear
boy, whilst advisi'ing
you very strongly, unless you are dooced badly off, not to unionize
for money, we advise you more strongly, 0 we advise you much
more strongly, unless you are dooced WELL off not to unionize for
Jeunesse which is not dorhe, don't marry for love. eunesse
which is not d de not do it! Jeunesse which is not dor6e, sans you
are better off sans lle! Female ditto, sans louis d'or, you are better off
sans lui you aad-ore! J which is not d, without a tocher don't touch
'er! F ditto, withet a dot, don't! for remember this, 0 single sparks
-and spearkesses-who are inclined to puff yourselves into a state of
ardour, that poor, impecunious, out-at-elbows Love is precisely like a
house on fire--it ought to be put out, extinguished, have cold water
thrown upon it, see what wet-very wet-blankets cyn do for it, end
in smoke before its flames after having gained too great an ascendency
to be ptaut cut, out, die out, smoulder out, of themselves, leaving
nothing that's tender, only that which is tinder behind them.
You may possibly, 0 apooney SOLOMON, argue that "riches don't
make happiness": ah; possibly not; we don't know; we never tried
'em, but, notwithstanding your assertion, we nevertheless cordially
recommend you (remember we are speaking from a connubialietic
point of view) to patiently wait for the Gilded Purgatory, the
eldorado, you abuse, in preference to rushing after a cheap wedding
and life in a 80s. a week lodging, with coals bad ones- at nine
guineas a ton, that is at 6d. a scuttle-a small one-and kitchen fire-
where your plain (uncommonly) dinners are invariably spoiled-
Riches, as you say, may not bring happiness, but the gilded ones,,
my friend, get all the honey, you get all the work and the whacks;
the gilded ones get all the honey, you get only the stings of the bees,
and the cells; the pecunious ones get all the honey, you get
only the-jars! they get all the roses, you only get the thorn in your
side, net 'a Thorn of the Vau-deville sort, but a deville of a thorn with-
out any (t&e de) Yax, to which we are all so de-veau-ted. Riches,
may act make happiness, but we ask you now, do Poverties make it P
Te'wear a golden sorrow" may tot be quite all you could wish, but,
as wearing a pewter one any better
oThe tup'ny ha'pe'ny, 200 a year style of hymeneal altar is pitched
into, and ever has heen pitched into enough, goodness knows and yet
the poor male marryer, before he nuptilalizes an equally poor female
marryer insists upon steadily overlooking, all everybody has ever
said upon the subject, insists upon NOT remembering the one moseet
important fact in the whole history of this sublunary spear, viz.
-that though he may look upon his inamorata as an angel, and call
her one, she most indubitably will require feeding, and that therefore
beef and beer, and, when very Amphitryonically disposed, puddings-
Yorkshire and otherwise-to say nothing of ooles d la Normande, or au
gratin, Cliquot curlpaper cutlets, &c., &c., &c., are absolutely in-dis-pen-
sa-ble to prevent his turtle doveing becoming a mere mock-turtle-ery
in no time.
It's no use your arguing that you don't want cucumbers all the year
round with your fish, strawberries at half a crown a-piece, grapes at
two guineas a pound, and salmon and lamb at five bob an ounce; it's
no good your persuading yourself you can contentedly do it cheap;"
you can't; all that is cheap is beastly, besides if you can, your wife
probably won't; though you may be contented to stand vile lodging
house cooking, and impertinent sauce ... la landlady, the woman
you marry will certainly prefer French cooking and sauce. la
maitre d'h6tel !
But that's not it; it's the fact of the whole business being simply
detestable; its the fact of your being pooh-pooh'd by a lot of monied
vulgarians,-" carriage people"! !!--and sat upot, and snubbed by
everybody; it's the fact that we are all envious ; it's the fact that we
all detest being only tantalised with the sight of others' comforts; and
it's the confounded fact that the demon impecuniosity-in about eight
cases out of every ten-brings untidiness in a wife, and then, by St.
Jingo, you get the curlpapers without the outlets, and in place of
anquilles d la Toulouse, &c., angles d la too leabe, and slippery down-at-
eel boots in no time!
Reader, in place of sauce tartare you'll Vpseibly catch one, and then
its tar tar to all sorts of jollyness !
0 dear impecunious but hymeneally-inMtlied Gosling dos'* believe
all their goody goody twaddle about "Love in a cottage"; don't
believe that money doesn't bring happiness; don't believe that gold is
dross; don't believe that,. a. d.-eism is wicked; don't believe this,
that, and t'other, but-us, when we assure you, confidently assure you,
that, if you-en home solids-would fan up-and keep p -the flame
on the altar of Love, there is nothing on earth so useful, to extraordi-
narily useful, for doing it with as ......... a good full purse.
MAKE BE T.
A NEW VERSION.
SCENE FIRST: A Heath (Alowmnarket). Thuider and Xiphtning,
Enter three BoOKxxAKEs.
When shall we three meet again
In Fleet-street, Knightsbridge, or Bride-lano ?
Sncooxn B.- When the EARL o 'MoLEY's done,
When the bill is lost and won-
Tamna B.- That 'twill be as sure as gun.
Frasr B.- Where is the place ?
SooND B.- Upon the Heath.
Tgian B.- There to meet and make-(tisps, jestinglf)both.
FiSTa B.- Buncome, Grave Morleykin !
ALL.- Paddock calls On, on !
Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine I
And thrice again to make up nine.
[Exeunt booking it, in defiance of Loan MORLEY.
Woman's Right-wheneshe isn't Wrong.
THE MRS. WOODHULL of Woodhull and CUhan's Weekly-the paper
which upholds Woman's Rights,' and started the JaNer LiNn litCl as
one of them!-has had a rather unpleasant show-up in a Police Cose
at New York. It turned out that though still calling herself MKn.
WOODHULL, and living under the same roof with her divorced husband
Da. W., she was married to a COLONEL BLOOD. In short, it is a case
of what is called free love in America,-it has a less enphemistio
name on this side the Atlantic. This is not the first advocate of
Woman'a Rights about whom there have been strange disclosures,
which go to prove that the enmity of this kind of woman toward
man in general does not extend to particular individuals,-or several
Capable of Misconstruction.
THE Republic of Letters is a common phrase-let no one jurp to a
false conclusion because the mail-carts of the G.P.O. are painted-
[JULY 15, 1871.
2. Natural Philosophy.
3. Want of philosophy. Drat it! missed
4. The wild animal at bay.
5. "Got him !-No! "
6. The vigorous onslaught.
7. A struggle for life.
8. The overthrow. The escape!
9. l'hilosophy worsted by a fly. Wisdom
_U JT .---JULY 15, 1871.
A SEVERE TRIAL.
C'aimant:-" WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT I AM THE INNOCENT CAUSE OF ALL THIS
"- '- I .. ... ..
S.:: -_- i.
Jcnr:.,;i5,:,.l81 F UT T. 31
WHEN pleasures die and hopes collapse,
When cares are neither small nor few,
"To grin and bear it," is, perhaps,
The proper sort of thing to do.
I face Fortuna s bitter frown; -- ---
I know repiningis a sin.
When Disappointment knocks me down,
Ibear it-but I cannot grin.
I've had my losses-who haamot ?-
In love and money, heart and purse. --
Though discontented withlImy lot,
I feel there must be nany worse. 4
I'vemet behaviour less thanli nd
From people that.weremore than kin;
I say "No matter; never-mind." .'
I bear it, but I cannot grin.
No, no; the wise ones of the earth
May tell me never to despair-
May bid me with a mask ofmirth
Conceal the ravages of:care
No, rather let the gloom without
Shew something of the blank within.
When Fate keeps pushing me about
I bear it-but I cannot grin.
It's Better to Rub than to Rust.
IDLE young blade may make a worse use of their
time than in riding on. the "knife-'board;" there, at
any rate, they should acquire polish.
ROLDIMeS should be able to form in square with
perfect accuracy, but the less they know, the better, of- n
Wacht am Rhein.
ACCOe DING to the German Boy Band "The Watch on HARDENED.
the Rhine" must keep very bad time.
Uncle :-" W HA, 8MOKING, CIABLIE ? YOU'LL MAER YOUISELP ILL."
A Co-sIxE.-A Deed of Partnership. Charlie :-"ILL 1 Wayy. I'vz sxOKD B E a,mos .1 AS.A Io0, UNC Lz"
DAWDLINGS. thought.I would never end;. I am sure you did. Butyouareprobably.
I HAD a coat some years ago,,and wore it until it was unpresentable not aware that I put my pensdown at the conclusion of it-likhtd 'a
in the refined.circles that. I generally patronise with -my presence. I cigarette-walked afew times round the room-plaayedanoriginl:air
laid it by in an antique chest. of drawers, consisting chiefly of ma. with variations upon the pianoforte to let the neighbours knowthat I
hogan and angular knobs. I. took. out aothe coat-ast away in am still in the enjoyment of. perfect health and spirits-tooka little
days of yore as unfitted for active service in the busy and heartless something to drink-and went, on writing again as if. nothing ons.
world. The.second coat was radiant. I say was advisedly, because earth. had, happened. You. know nothing of all, this, gentle reader
this exchange. took place at least a month ago. Buttons.are not im- You sea the result of our literary struggles, but you are (pardon my
mortal, and the longevity of seams is limited. Please to remember, saying so) lamentably ignorant of the means by which that sublime
also, that I am a bachelor and cannot thread a needle under twenty result is achieved. I have written-moiqui aucparle-quitoe enough
minutes on an. average. My present. garment will shortly be con- before now in the course of one day to render any dozen of poets
signed, with a sprinkling of pepperor lavender todisgust the moths, immortal. On .the other hand, I freely confess to having battled for
to a limbo of mahogany and, angular knobs. A third coat-fashion- several months with an impromptu. This isi our art and our advTan
able in days of yore, but. long regarded as unfit for the eye of the tage. Read us-admire us -criticie us even, if you dare-but seek
pubic-will reappear upon the giddy scene with:renewed radiance. to know nothingof our inner life. Itwouldbo too much for you
And such.is the history of coats. Familiarity breeds contempt,.while I am growing poetical. Poetry is properly my element; circum-
Recollection-awakened, by necessity is: the parent of Affection and stancesover which .1 have no control and an editor; who has consider-
Respect. I'meet the accomplished and humourous BnowN perpetually able control over me-compel me to descend occasionally into rose.
He meets me in, the. City and.invades me at the club. I encounter But I come down with. some difficulty. I console, myselfM with the.
him in the'temple of Thespis,. and find it impossible to avoid him in reflection that I shall not stop here verylong. Make the most oftme
suburban lanes or distant- villages. To tell the simple truth, I have whilst I am among you. If. my present .labours last long I shalL
worn BhowN completely out. Years ago I had worn JoNas completely write blank verse without a division, in the lines and pass it off; as;
out also. He became tedious and effete. Exactly at the moment of Addisonian English nndefiled.
becoming unbearable JoNEs went away to New Zealand or somewhere. Good bye for the present. I may, meet you again.
I.watched him depart without. one pang, and my, eyes were unwet
when his vessel (A. 1, at. Lloyd's) became a' mere speck upon the Beating Bannergear.
horizon.. Butnow-Oh,iFbrtune, turn your wheel and.send me back.
myv JbNse from New Zealandor somewhere.. Let me laugh until I, cry REPERIsNG to a lately published reporb.of an athletic meeting the
at his pointless and antique stories. Letmane.endeavour to confute him Evening Standard says-
once more on metaphysics. (N.B. JoNms is:amaterialist, and I.believe W.fell into an error yesterday in asserting thatrP.Nesbit was a cessfulinbeating.
in Baia v-but nomatter.) Would he. not renew. his. pristine C. shirrefin the hurdle race.
vigour,.think. you,.and eclipse the later but somewhat. faded fascina- Are we to understand that P. Nesbit ',was unsuccessful inh atih i
tions of BnowN ? He will return; I knaw he will.. He would not antagonists' If so, who won, and who got the beating ?
leave me here to. die without. being, able to. assert: from personal. cx-
perience that friends.are very muchlike coats. ONe thing the British farmer never find adiflculty in.rai ng,-a
Thank the stars, I have at last got through that paragraph. You plentiful crop-of objections.
AT PRINCESS IN EXILE.
THE distinguished refugees at Chislehurst are not the only regal
exiles whom recent events in France have driven to our shores. The
PRincEss FELICaE-who is only not a Royal Highness because nineteen
inches is,not counted as height among human beings-has taken up
her abode amongst us. We are not aware whether our reigning
family offered her a domicile according to custom at Claridge's, or
placed at her disposal the dolls'-house lately in the possession of one
of our Princesses. At any rate Her Royal Diminutiveness did not
accept the offer if made, and her palace is at present in Piccadilly,
nearly opposite the Royal Academy, and within focus of the matchless
camera of MR. VALENTINE BLANcAnnD, who having succeeded so
admirably in photographing great people, has now a chance of por-
traying one of the smallest ever seen.
The Princess was not born to greatness. She achieved it by little-
ness,-physical not moral, be it understood, for there is nothing
extraordinary in moral littleness achieving greatness. She was born
at Ciotat, which is on the direct route from Paris to Lilliput. She was
born tiny, and it is not impossible that her parents had to attach a
label to her, in order that her mite-iness might not be lost sight of
altogether. She is now about nine years eld, we are informed, and has
grown at about the rate of an inch in every twelve months.
4We are glad to learn from a gentleman in high diplomatic circles
(on whose word we never by any chance place the least reliance) that
the Foreign Office has opened communications with the French
Assembly, with a view to placing the Princess on the Throne of
France. She is so small that the Republicans could not find much to
object to in her, and on the other hand, for all practical purposes
there is quite as much Royalty about her as there has been about most
French monarchs of late.
I fbove On.
"Dan. FRANKLAND reports that the water supplied by the South
London Companies contains "moving organisms." We can deduce
only one consolation from this disgusting fact;-that, on the right
man in the right place principle, the South Londoners may duck
any Italian organ-ism that won't move on, when told to do so.
WHAT should be seen on every Racecourse ? A Straight" run-in.
[JrLY 15, 1871.
THE BROKEN VOW.
A STORY or ENCHANTMENT.
READER, hast ever been in love ? Hast thou felt the boiling and
lava-like current of affection coursing through thy existence until the
sanguinary liquid of life seemed to race in thy veins like molten
mercury ? Hast thou, I say, received the responsive glance of affec-
tion from the sincere and dazzling orbs of beauty ? and hast thou
returned it ardent and erotic, till thy senses swam in a luscious
languor of delight ?' If not thou knowest not what love is in its
truest and most poetic sense, and I must advise thee to skip the
following history, for its theme is of love-love true as the needle to
the exiled Pole-love, never failing even amid the clash of arms and
the din and tumult of the fiercest battles.
The clepsydra which stood upon the elegant buhl table in the
splendidly furnished boudoir of LADY NANCY BELL, an Andalusian
lady of rank, had just tolled the hour which informed all those whom
it concerned that the very zenith of the middle ages had arrived, and
the numerous American clocks which ornamented the walls had at
intervals repeated the information, when the fair occupant of the fairy
chamber awoke, shook herself thoroughly, and arose from a couch
which bore the trade mark of a most celebrated West-end maker.
By my halidame," said the lady, as she consulted the tiny Brequet
watch which hung at her girdle, "the hour has arrived, the age of
chivalry has departed, and I "-here she gazed upon the portrait of
the head of the house, and reverently lifted the ducal diadem from her
brow-" I am here! "
As she spoke a sound as of slow music filled the apartment, the
lime-light which illuminated the highest turret of the castle beamed
forth with noonday splendour, and concentrated its rays upon the
figure of a knight who had just emerged from the impenetrable pine-
forest which surrounded the castle, and which, as is usual with most
Spanish castles, kept it from the gaze of the profane vulgar.
The Duchess's heart beat high, as she narrowly scanned the appear-
ance of the approaching stranger, which was of the noblest kind, and
was stamped with the impress which characterises the old nobility of
a great and flourishing country, one which has never descended to the
vile tricks of trade, but which educates its youth to the noblest of all
professions, arms. But we are keeping our hero waiting.
JULY 15, 1871.] FU N 33
EDGAR DE MEDOC was a noble youth in w'oso veins flowed the
,purest red Burgundian stream. He had just returned from the grand
tour, during which he had -wrought devastation in the countries he
had visited, having killed, all the knights-in accordance with
medieval peculiarities and caused all the fair dames to fall madly in
love with him. His appearance was imposing in the extreme, and so
were his manners, and by the use of both combined he ever managed
to evade payment of his hotel bills. This playful peculiarity was
merely a matter of principle, as the noble knight termed it, for his
coffers were overflowing, and his cornucopia was full. But SmB EDGAR
fancied that the coin he obtained. from the innkeepers would do
nicely for the Chancellor of the Exchequer, who could acknowledge it
in the Times.as conscience money. And he would have sent it, but
for circumstances which will be detailed anon.
SmI EDGAR's cheeks were smooth- as those of the loveliest lady-in
his native court (Half-paved, E.C.) This was mainly due to the fact
that he shaved himself, everyimorning: with his curtal axe, with one.
blow of which he could bring down the winged pigeon. His skill as
a marksman was such that when reclining in his hammock heawould
'with a single ball of his derringer bisect the meanest mosquito.; andu.
with the gloves he had never yet found his equal.
As he presented himself at the drawbridge,. Sm.EbDGAa' waa;: fit..
subjeotffor the most Proeraffaelite of painters. Theppole,.ofhiselaname,'
was. painted a. beautiful red and white, in inteala.ing ribbona, hid.
beavernhad been purchased-notwithstanding the immense expense--
at Jinco B and BENNETT'S, and his, mirror-like axnour-wascthtMehsfif
d't6swre-of a .great artist, S. MAY. His horse was theprogenitortof
that famous breed, of cattle which is never to be. f ntd except: in
knightly stables, and.which is now the property of SiB4EtBa.-MXa ux,
and well did the sire represent his powerful descendants. As with
stately step the. warrior crossed the narrow path and, ascended the
staircase the slow music again struck up, and the lime-lig@t assumed a.
reddish tinge, suggestive of ah,.berlood.4,
ON the landing outside the boudoir the Duke and a chosen band
were- stationed to intercept the passage of the stranger. Each member
of the band carried in one hand a neddy, and held aloft a banner on
which was emblazoned the ducal motto, Coram adsum. On account of
the effrontery with which they carried out the wishes of their master,
they were generally known as. the Duke's brass'band. But, ah, never
again would ithy throng in': the buttery or answer the, clangour of the
dinner bell! Striding on, Sin EDGAR, with a few shots from his
heavily loaded revolving pocket-book, left the retainers weltering in
their gore, and then he approached their leader. A smile of bitter
meaning lit up his face as he produced a set of patent pneumatic
gloves from under his corslot and challenged his antagonist to combat
In a few moments a shapeless mass was all that remained of the
once proud potentate.
[It may be as well to remark- here that the castle was enchanted,
and that the lady had been imprisoned in it for several hundred years
against her inclination.]
To reach the captive was but the work of a moment, and as SIRa
EDGAR brushed away the veil of enchantment, their eyes met and their
mutual admiration of each other's society found vent in one long and
Lady, the time has at last arrived. I presume your parents have
been dead some years, and I perceive you are of age. I have necessity
for a, housekeeper in one of my castles at Sinjuns-wood. Twenty
pounds' a year and all found. No boots or knives. Say, dearest, wilt
thou be mine ? "
As the Duchess was in a tone of delicious fondness about to reply
in the affirmative, an hotel-keeper who had tracked SIm EDGAR to his
lair entered the room and presented his little account. In a moment
of weakness, and with a wish to look grand in the eyes of the new
housekeeper, the knight at.once paid the amount in full, without even
scrutinising an item. Sim EDGAR had forgotten his oath, and with a
wild' scream and a peal of demoniac laughter the castle vanished.. Our
hero awoke to listen to his landlady's voice through the keyhole-
"Now then, you lazy feller, are you prepared with my little bill ?"
Something to fall back upon.
WITH all his shortcomings no one can accuse MR. AYRTON "trim-
ming "-on the north side of Hyde-park.
No Flattering Tale."
PROMOTEoRSof tramway companies should write over their offices-
"All ye who enter hereleave (BEnREsoRD) HOPE behind."'
As-Q;UESTnON THAT WILL.NOT BEAR FENmiNG WITIL-The enclosures
in Epping Forest.
.DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 227.
DRAwN by the Battle of Dorking out,
Money the Government's forking out;
But then there's a meeting that's annual,
Teaching cit-soldiers their manual:
No man e'er'sought the encampment
Who soldier's-duty to scamp meant!
1. I1 met him atlaparty, where
Bohea and scandalwere our fare:
The feast was o'erwhen I came in,
Whercon he told me with a grin -
"You're just.at the right time, you see;
For U should aye come after T."
2. I went there in want; I got there alao';
I live, but a liver I lacked, coming baol 1
3. This pleasantly varies
The food of Canaries,,
And other small.pets that adorn'a-vi-aries?.
4;. -hear the distant ocean'szroar,
And long to stand uponthis shoves-
But.ah, my holiday is o'er.
6. Thealink, in learned Doctor's term,..
Coimecting with the fool the womi!'
If proved.Darwinicallyy that
Would trace the kinship through the;oal.
6. A glorious acquisition
I on a book-stall found;
This very rare edition,
In yellow parchmentbound'.
7. So like, they say, were H Enm slbbotlbrSte
You couldn't whiches tell from:t'.othiBn
How fate such lives together .spinsi.
You'll find related in '."fTTaie,1s.""
8. I love the lily, pink, an&krosae
Cowslip and snowdrop; but ofthbose,
None has the subtle power to bide
Like this, the teardrop to my lid.
9. My wife does this the livelong day;
I mount my horse and ride away;
'Tis homeopathic treatment sure,
Since like for like provides the cure.
SOLUTION OF DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 225.-Ripen, Fruit: Ruff,
Insular, Purlieu, Engaddi, Nugget.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 225. nucEIVtD JULY 5th.-Lindis; Pod's
own Trout; Suffolk Dumpling; Pimlico Tom Cat; Slodger and Tincy; Nau; Pik;
G)p; Smug; D. E. II.; Rub)'s Ghost; Biddy and Poc er.
[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches unless they aro accom-
anied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
"'JUG, JUG -No connection with a ni.,hfingale, we guess. To judge
from your ears, we should say a "little pitcher "
T. (Barnsbury).-A most ancient joke. It would be an exploded one,
only it is too bad to go off.
L. (Bonn).- Anything but bon We never read. such rubbish in our
W. T. C. (Wigaton Fields).-We do not understand what you mean by
your contribution being "too contraire" for us. If you intend, to ask
whether we think that pointless cussing and swearing is comic, we reply,
simply, we don't!
M. T. (Bangor).-If the Iwo selections from your "Comic Album" are
the best of it, we should recommend you, in the interest's of humanity, to
burn that volume. ,. -,, -t. A.-- ---
WELSH GIRL.-%We wish we had been with you,-but fear the public
would not care about it.
H. P.-We excepted honest people, and cannot give you a special
Declined with thanks:-R. C. E. L., Glasgow; W. H. E., Chelsea;
W. N., Lynn; W. G., New Quay; Poll; W, Barnsbury; B. B. J.;
B. E. F E. S. E. E. F. ; Scottish Boy; F. L., Kingsland; B., Liverpool;
Tempus; M. L. S.; F., Leeds; 'Merian; Tummus: B D., Dalston;
N. P. G.; Clericus; F., Liverpool; Didderw4dder; Toddicums; 0. A.,
Islington; J. C.; L. B. T., Manchester; Clericus; Old Dan Tucker;
F. A. B. G. L.; Robert the Devil; Old Subscriber; S. S., Brighton;
E. C. S.; F. A. H.; J. M Buxton-road; North London.: W. P.,.Wal-
worth: H. C., Launceston ; J. H. D..: T., Preston; J. C., Barnaley; W..
Mitre Court; X. Y. Z Wales; W4 H. W.; Member of the Church of
England; A. P., Mibcing-lane; I. D., Blhokheath; Dalel-.road; Rick-
seyon; Bohemian, P. F. S.; D., Adelaide Place.
34 FTUTN [JULY 15, 1871.
A FIVE SYLLABLE WORD.
Mistress (to new maid):-"Now, I INTEND TO DEVOTE SOME OF MY TIME TO YOUR IMPROVEMENT-I SHALL TEACH YOU TO READ AND
Maid:-" BUT I CAN READ AND WRITE."
Mistress:-" An, BUT I MEAN WRITING AND SPELLING hard words.
Maid:-" BUT I CAN WRITE AND SPELL very hard words. I WROTE HOME TO MY MOTHER TO-DAY, AND I SPELT A VERY HARD WORD
IN MY LETTER-IT WAS THE WORD un-COm-fort-a-ble, AND I WISH TO LEAVE AT THE END OF MY MONTH, MEM.
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
WE do not remember ever to have seen so clear and excellent a
handbook as MR. WALTER WOOD'S HOW to See the International Exhibi.
lio., in One Visit. The official guide is all very well in its way, but
this pamphlet gives the whole thing in a nutshell; and we defy the
stupidest country cousin to make any blunders with this to help him
In the Sunday Magazine we have an exciting instalment of The
Story of the Mine," and a welcome paper by MR. FORBES on German
war-prayers; the other contents, with the illustrations, are fully up
to the standard of this excellent periodical.
Good Words for the Young has some pleasant papers, and a good
story or two, but we miss "The Princess and the Goblins," and hope
its author will not be long absent from the pages he edits.
Temple Bar begins a new story by Miss BROUGHTON. "The Landlerd
of the Sun finishes, and Ought we to visit her ?" arrives at a stir-
ring crisis. The criticism on The Royal Academy" is nothing more
or less than a vigorous "pitch-in all round."
The Illustrated Review (No. 17) announces the retirement of Mr.
MAYER from the editorship.
The Cornhill gives an absorbing bit of "Harry Richmond" and an
instalment of "Lord Kilgobbin," which, if we had any doubt, would
confirm our conjectures as to the author, for a gentleman jumps a
horse over a wall in a style familiar to readers of Charles O'Malley "
and "Jack Hinton." The number also contains a tenderly told story,
"Under the Mountains."
I Youth and Age.
To judge from the following advertisement in the North British Daily
Mal, the lads of Glasgow enjoy an unusually prolonged youth:-
WANTED. a youth, of 17 or 78 years of age, who has had two or three years'
experience at bookkeeping. -Apply to 305, Mail Office.
Of course, if this Mail has reached the age of three hundred and five
he may fairly consider other males of 78 more boys ?
"A PEACE FOOTING ":-A wooden leg.
Prited by JUDD & GO., PicBnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Flee-street, B.C.-London : July 15, 1871.
J T 22, 1-71.]
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR
SPOONFUL XXII.-PART II.
",. : "\ \ \ 'i / / / .
3.. he .
HYMEN's link, when supported on banker's books and bullion bags,
cheques and consols, riches, roses, and so on; when there are no duns,
no bothers, no anxieties, no complications, no unbuoyed sunken busi-
nesses, rocks, torpedos, quick sandifications, maelstroms, shoals, &c., is
all plain sailing enough: the charm of returning home to the loving
arms of Beauty when the loving arms of Beauty have nice, bracelets
on 'em; when the fingers of Beauty which twine your hair round 'em
(if you've got any, and like having it twined round fingers-we don't)
glitter with gem-cracks; when Beauty is nicely got up, in pooty
shoes, pooty peignoires, flowers and freshness, &c., &c., &c.; when
Beauty in fact has lots of money and nothing to do, the charm of all
this must be immense, no charm we imagine can well be much
immense : Beauty will then, if inclined, have time to be amused at
your amusements; never make a piece of work" unless it be to knit
you unwearably gorgeous Berlin wool machines in impracticable
colours ; cake you braces for which you'll give embraces back; and
,when you 've been out shooting probably be pleased and proud-as we
have delineated her above-to. .. count your game !
Ah all this, though perhaps not very intellectual or useful, must be
very delishus at any rate; but look at the other side of the hymeneal
medal; if your Hymenish link is not supported as above, if in fact,
you've no money, look at it then; when the honeymoon's monthly
new broomy roses have fallen, and their greenness has gone, and you
find your link simply supported on thorny stalks, where are you then ?
O where are you ?
Idiots congratulate themselves-whether they can afford marriage
or not-on being accepted by their poundless shillingless and penniless
loves, and exclaim "Oh Rapchar; I may kneel hymeneally"!
Boobies! they forget that that which is enough-very likely barely
enough-for one is of no earthly use for TWO! They forget that that
which is of no earthly use for two may possibly-and very probably
will-have to be enough for 4, 6, 10, 15, or even 20 They forget
they can not count their olive branches before they are at-hatched to
the parent stem, and that olive branches on a small income are
incomebranches of the worst sort, as they can not be lopped off! They
forget that the ringing of one finger may lead to the-wringing of four
hands! They forget that in Poverty the hymeneal haltar ties them
hands and feet, and what they will have to sacrifice on this same
altar to keep it going even moderately straight, and to . .." yet
brokenly live on"! They forget that by getting spliced, and so made
fast they may be utterly un-done! They forget that it invariably
turns out for the female marryer- this poor hymenial business-of all
the "menial" with nothing of the "hy" about it whatever, unless
she consider it, as we feel confident she eventually will, all her hy!
They forget that if the wife should perversely dislike becoming a
sort of servant-of-all-work that their chance of a domestic donna and
bliss, is not half as great as their chance of domestic donner and
blitzen! They forget their Missis may become their Ne-missia!
They forget that marriage, not only in one case, as the Greek has it,
but in all cases is a gammon which, un-like bacon, whether it can be
cured or not must be endured! They forget that though courtship
makes all things couleur de rose, matrimony frequently makes the very
same things eouleur de-rows! They forget that no man can tell
whether he really does love a woman, until he's boon married to her
for at least two years. They forget that an ardent, AR-dont, wish
for the Sacrament of Marriage not in-frequently turns to a still
more ARDENT wish to give each other the sack with-out the
raiment! They forget that the very worst cases that ever appeared
before Sir DRESSWELL DRESS-sWELL, or LORD PENZANCE had-we must
presume-HAD-to begin with-a honey moon! And, worst of all,
the Boobies, the honeyluna-tics, they forget that Marriage is such a
tremendous goer, a Derby winner, a Gamos" with such staying
,power, that being once started, nothing can by any possibility stop
him but death, or the long dirty and expensive journey to
. . the Wilds of Penzance !
Ah dear boy, how fashions alter. Society doesn't put peas in its shoes
now-a-days, it puts 'em in its mouth; scallop shells are kept for oys-
ters, not for pilgrimising in; hair shirts are obsolete, and have all been
made into chignons and patent friction businesses for opening the pores
of the skin comfortably; people don't fast, only go so; don't wear
chains unless, at the least, 18 caraters; and, though they do flageolet
their neighbours, certainly don't flagellate themselves nor let anybody
else do it if they are aware of it, no thankee, and as for sackcloth and
ashes, where do you ever see them except over a coalheaver's head on a
wet day ? No, no; THE Penance we do now is spelt with a z after the
Pen, as . ... we marry . ... on nothing a year 1
Ah Reader, had many an improvident hymoneally-minded
gosling but less hope to begin with, he'd not be hope-less to end
with. And if, Reader, instead of going to the altar of Hymen, a lot
of people would only have strength of mind enough to go to to
Majorca, it would save Majoreawardness to all parties afterwards.
A Burning Shame.
WE cannot but think it unfeeling of the author of Joh Halifax to
allow our eyes to be constantly vexed by this regular announcement
in the advertising columns of the papers:-
LITTLE SUNSHINE'S HOLIDAY: a Picture from Life. By the Author of
"John Halifax, Gentleman."
We have precious little sunshine in this country at the best of seasons,
but this year it seems to have taken a whole holiday, and gone away
to the continent for good!
Found Among the Ruins.
WHAT is the difference between those Parisian tenants, who availed
themselves of the situation to escape payment of rent, and the present
French Government P The tenants only shot the moon. The Govern-
ment shot the Commune!
With a hook, Mr. Crookes I
WHEN we hear it asserted that it is possible to play tunes upon
musical instruments without direct human intervention," we put it
down as being more accordion to Cock-lane than to CocKan.
A Rare Inducement.
A MAN may struggle for a lifetime and yet fail to accomplish what
he may readily achieve at the Wimbledon Camp-there he may appear
"in any position."
To COICKETERS N TRBOBLE.-Drown it in a bowl.
VOL. Irv. a
SFUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 19, 1871.
FOR A GOOD BOY.
LET Frogs delight to bark and bite,
And sot up their Commune ;
Let Yankee rowdies shoot and fight,
And knock things out of tune.
"But, JOHNNY, you have never let
Your angry passions rise ;
And for your patience you shall get
The Ballot-Box for prize." . .
So doth the little busy B.
Employ the voting hour,
Preserved from briber's tempting fee,
And grinding landlord's pow'r.
Thus cleverly his foes he'll sell,
His candidate he backs:-
And (aside) will, we hope, behave as well,
However we may tax!
SoME people can wake themselves at an hour of early morning by
the simple force of a resolution conceived overnight. My own resolu-
tions in this respect are never by any possibility carried out. I have
to throw myself upon the tender mercies of the faithful domestic who
supplies me with clean boots and warm water. My dreams take me
all over the world and carry me into any number of centuries. I
cannot by any means come back again into the region of time and
space by the mere exertion of will. My will is either originally weak
or somewhat rusty from the want of practice. Perhaps I retire at
midnight with a resolve as unalterable as the Median and Persian
laws. I will rise at eight and immediately put myself inside my
varied but unassuming garments. This is my ultimatum at the dread
hour of midnight, and this is my last earthly care before lapsing into
the world of dreams. Do I wake, think you, at the appointed hour ?
Am I alert and active at 8 a.m. ?--Not a bit of it. Nine o'clock sees
me slumbering the slumber of the just. Half an hour later I open my
beautiful blue eyes and begin to collect my scattered thoughts. The
latter process is a work of time, because my thoughts are so numerous
and get scattered in so many directions that it requires a good many
minutes to pull them all in. FiniilljI convince- myself that I am
alive and have something particulai,"!.,do. My sense of duty c:.m.. .
into play and I put:'my clothes on.'But I cannot (..me out .:.f .
beautiful dream suddeAly on purpose t resume the practical business
of life. You might as well. expect me to fly. ., .
Worse, much worse, than the difficulty of walAnn'rA the difficulty
of getting to sleep. Would you believe that I havetcounted from one
to nearly a thousand in my vain but exciting pursuits after Morpheus ?
Fact, I assure you. I have also attempted, perhaps feebly, to realize
the effect of a southerly wind blowing gently a provincial cornfield.
'his is an infallible specific when employed by a highly imaginative
person who has frequently been out of town. I have a gigantic
imagination, but I. seldom go much farther out of townthan Fleet-
street. Cornfields do not, as a rule, grow in that particular.district;
though contributors to the metropolitan press may often be ,encoun-
tered there or thereabouts.
I have talked so much to you about going to sleep at night and
getting up in the morning, that I hardly dare to introduce the subject
of dreaming. But I persist, seeing that you have not the pleasure of
my personal acquaintance and can only wreak your vengeance upon
the windows of the FUN office. I declare, then, that I have had the
most extraordinary dreams. Common-place folks like A and B turn
up in my distempered visions, but they 'turn up under the most
romantic and unlooked-for circumstances. If I were to give you a
list of the dreams I have enjoyed or otherwise during the last six
weeks you might think that I entertained some design, of imposing
upon your credulity. Not at all. How should I know that you are
credulous ? I will at all events give a sample. Within the last forty-
two nights I have dreamed:-
1. That I was as nearly' being hanged for a murder as possible
somewhere' on the Continent (where, by the bye, they don't hang
people but cut their heads off generally with a guillotine).
2. That MR. G. A. SALA, the famous journalist, met a baby of two
years of age in an omnibus and called it Ickle kicksey-wicksey. And
Mn. S. appealed politely to,the bgbe's mother to learn the babe's name.
And the babe, being suddenly and miraculously endowed with speech,
replied to Mn. S.;-" What's that to you ? Mind your own business."
3. That I went for a ride in a hansom cab-and we ran over a poor
little boy- and he got up and said that he didn't mind it a bit.
4. That I was in .a cavalry charge at some battle and got an awful
whack on the head with a sabre, Shortly after this (in the same
dream,) I found myself in a flirtation with a vivandiire. This was
rather absurd, as the cavalry regiment Was English, and vivandieres
are not acknowledged in the British army.
5. That I was awake and about my ordinary business.
And, in short, all kinds of absurd things. I am not responsible for
my dreams. Would you like, my reader, to answer for all the mental
diet of your slumbers ?
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 228.
I sPEAK in the bitterest terms
Of the summer we're blest with as yet;
For my apples are eaten with worms,
And my strawberries damaged with wet,
My plums were all nipt in the bloom,
And imy cherries all dropt from the bough:-
And after all that, I presume,
There's not much to look forward to now!
"In the name of the prophet" such trifles folks roar,
That it sees (and one scarcely can doubt it)
The more they have nothing to boast of, the more
Do they make this excitement about it.
2. A ragged idle kindly chap,
Not worth a rap,
By business people much despised,
By dogs and children idolised ;-
You guess the kind of man, mayhap ?
3. In Italy's extremist heel
The Atlas will my name reveal,
O'erlooking-there you're on the scent, oh !-
The gulf described as of Tarento.
4. Men nbow claim right
To seek for Light
On questions hypothetical.
In ancient time,
'Twas called a crime,
And they were styled heretical.
5. A stress is very often laid
On one's defining spade as spade;
But such a synonym were lax
For what's half mattock and half axe.
6. What, when our studies reached a stop,
In shape of lozenge, stick, or drop,
Would tempt me to the toffy-shop ?
:My lollipop !
SOLUTION or AcnOSTIC No. 226.-Tichborne Claimants : Tic, Inquisi-
torial, Camera, Helvetii, Bookworm, Orchestra, Ratan, Naturalist,
E agles. '. :' -
CoECs SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. -226, RECEIVED J NE 12th.-Rlubyis
Ghost; Pimlico Tom Cat; Polie; B.
Chunimie's name was accidentally omitted from the list of Solutions last week.'
THE horticulturist is always a good man. He who gives plenty of
manure to his wall-fruit must be a benefactor of his-peaches! .
You are told that if you tread on a worm he may turn. With
regard to caterpillars, if you don't tread on them they are certain to
turn-to butterflies or moths.
There are places so productive that if you tickle them with a hoe,
they will smile with a harvest." Of course the ho hoe-! is infectious.
The rake is not so well-tempered as the hoe-but then it is of no use
if it can't show its teeth.
The early bird catches the worm; but you must go with a lantern
after dark to find the slug-a-bed.
The new machines for cutting grass are of a shockingly humiliating
tendency. We saw old GRAVEAIRS using one the other day when it
was very warm; and we regret to say that although he. is elderly,
respectable, and eminently wealthy, the. effect of the machine, was to
set him "mopping" as well as "mowing."
AN American paper says there are four hundred professional wood-
engravers in the United States, while thirty years ago there weren't
twenty. To judge, however, from the illustrations in American
papers, we should think that engraving is greatly monopolised still by
the original twenty, and that they acquired their skill in cutting on
the clearings in the backwoods.
7 9' .t I
A SURPRISING SUGGESTION.
SI THE British Public is suffering from D. T.-we do not allude to the
potentate of Peterborough-court. A long indulgence in the stimulant
known 'as TICHBORNE, BOVILL, BALLANTYNE, COLERIDGE and Co.'s
Entire, has produced an unhealthy state of excitement which is fol-
lowed, now that the stimulant is not on tap, by a corresponding state
of depression. The papers, which contain the ordinary amount of
murder and violence, pall on the public appetite. The constitution of
the people is deranged. Respectable householders wake up in the
night, shrieking, Would it surprise you to hear ?" and declaring they
see Claimants climbing up the walls. Elderly ladies cannot return to
browse in the cool pastures of goody books, and sigh for more cross-
examination. Young ladies have left off reading novels to an extent
that must alarm MR. MUDIE. Delicate invalids, stirred by a sympathy
with. his enfeebled health, babble prescriptions for the LoRD CHIEF
JUSTICE in their dreams.
Under these circumstances we ask, Is it too late to adopt a sug-
gestion thrown out by the correspondent of a contemporary, and'
to assemble the Claimant and counsel and bench on the beach at
By combining business with pleasure, and rendering the proceedings
attractive, the trial might not only be rendered more endurable to both
parties, the counsel, the judge, and the jury, but it might even be
made to pay a portion of its own very heavy expenses.
The Court, by modelling itself upon the Christy Minstrels' form,
with the Claimant and Solicitor General as End-Men," would draw
tremendously. Compared with its powers of drawing a blister would
be impotent as a sheet of blotting-paper, and a forty-horse traction
engine would be left staggering under the sense of incompetence which
must burst upon a black beetle when trying to compete with the Ton-
The proceedings might be opened with a solo and chorus, the latter
of the i sual nigger type-, ,
Here's old JoE (or Be, as the case may be,)
And he's so
Ching-a-rin, jiddy jiddy, Juba, Bang !
The examination would be carried on in a jocular vein, until Bonos'sl
turn came for a song, after this fashion :-
Supposin' he ain't you,
And supposin' I was me,
And supposin' we both were butchers of Wapping,
How very surprised we'd be!
This would naturally conclude with a break-down. After whiM
Tambourine would take the floor- 1
I thay, MR. Bo-ANTI, why am dis child like St. Paul's Come.o
fiddle P Gib it up? Yah! Cos, wid all yer driving ye can't git1
This is the merest outline, of which the talent and ability of those
concerned could supply a finished picture.
We are only expressing the opinion of thousands when we cry, Thp
silly season is here I Give us-oh, give us our Ticuxoixus case once
Mi. AYEToN's latest literary triumph is before us in the shape oti
his Regulations of the Royal Parks and Gardens." The plot is ia.
genius, the style is pompous, and the various characters are grae-1
fully sketched. We have no room for copious extracts, so must li
ourselves to one quotation -
No person shall allow any dog to run at large in any road set apart for riding.',.
in any footpath, or in any other pare of a park, to the annoyance of other personS .1
For our part, it will not be to our annoyance if the dog runs at LsLtf*
or at SMALL. But he must run at us-in the absence of either,' |
.both, of the above named gentlemen. We doubt not this extract will
send thousands to the work itself.
A Wine from Whitehall.
Tax Broad Arrow describes a ridiculous rumour of bribery and cor-
ruption at Whitehall:-
We are expected to believe that a certain officer's wife made a certain flat
officer a present of a cask of Madeira, and shortly afterwards the effler was
appointed to one of the ships at a home port where the duties are a mere sianeure.
Of course the thing's absurd on the face of it, As if any, one would
be so silly as to exchange a cask of travelled Madeira for a home Port.
JvnT 22,. 1871.]
38 F N [JTL 22, 18
A LITTLE LECTURE BY PROFESSOR D- N ON rHE DEVELOPMENT OF THE HORSE.,
FELLOW MONKExs,-We commence with the fiery untamed horse-rdish, No. 1. We then come to the horse proper. No. 8. The Louis Cart-horse ot the French.
We then come to the horse-chesnut, No. 2,'whence I need hardly say-the chesnut No. 9. The Hunter den Linden of the Germans. No. 10. The well-known
horse. No. 3. The clothes horse, giving t0 the modern charger its quality of stand- hourss de combat." with others which I shall not insult you by describing (hear
ing fire. No. 4. The horsey-porsey of childhood, and the origin of the post-horse. hear). No. 11. You will not be surprised to hear is the highly developed race-horse
No. 5. The progenitor of the high mettled racer (sensation). No. 6. The horse in of the future, with jockey and everything complete. I will now retire, feeling a
its mood of would," which accounts for its obliging disposition. No. 7. The oss. little hoarse myself. (Tumultuous applause, brickbats, &c.)
'UNT--T.-J4uL 22, 1871.
I F I
i \ ,' 1I
FOR A GOOD BOY.
Mrs. G. -"THERE! YOU'VE WAITED FOR IT SO NICELY, AND BEHAVED SO WELL, THAT YOU DESERVE IT!"
Party in the Background:-" H'M! SPOILING THAT BOY AS USUAL! "
JULY 22, 1871.]
; ,*i OOUB SHORTHAND NOTES.
.SAM FightF'it Btu..y Park. The sham was ha6re like the 'real
tbing than LhL tLlbt wna. = House of Commons:anmous'tocut short
itas"Augui, d..bl.. rati,:n-i "-out ofregardfor the grouse.=--~ uss about
piportlti'on ,.*f ui|.:iiiu tta. Let 'em.import! We don't drink tea,
and declare th._ hued.:,m :f the teetotallers to-poisoirthemselves. if they
1ike. = ,Wirb-ldon M.ee-tin'. Nothing more than Common. = Meet-
ing on W.-ant3d Flatt-. P,.:.ple pulled fences down. Were themselves
puiktd up ft:.i ;t. = I'...L,,EL TOMrLIE has discovered an old Act of
P'arlianmnt t...rtbLdd ,i .-y.-rs to represent counties. Is .there no Act
to preserve our Commons from geese and donkeys ?
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
Snm,- n. .o my last I have been travelling round the country with
an eye to bciainess. I wasn't very successful though. My idea was to
tart the Poetical and Practical Post-betting Peculiarity, for -the
Mutual In-provement of the Bookmaker and the Backer; and so I
-n gagEd th.- Sporting [laureate, who wrote ma the following lines,
4whih I h.', painted on canvas; and I used tcrecite.othem on the
purse tc. th-. music of a big drum and pair of cymbals. I thinkyou'll
,'groe with me that the music was the best part of the performance:-
"What'll you back ?-what'll you back ?
.-' Come, gents, now pop it down.
Say! do you all the courage lack
To bet on what you think's the crack ?
Don t stand there gazing like puiaek
Of donkeys round a fenced haysitak,
But think-and now your brains .'7tyih ok--
That you can-win
(Yes, you may grin)
A fortune for a crown."
". Twenty to one- twenty to one
I'll lay upon the field;
... Well, if you won't at these odds run,
But still -my offers seem to shun,
I'll show you that I won't be done,
What do you want ? twenty to none,
And change out too! So just for Am. i
To prove to you
That 'taint a do,
I'll to your wishes yield."
As nobody understood what all this meant any more than I did,
business didn't flow in very rapidly; but still, Ma. EDITrro, I trust
that my private address may be kept secret from anyone inquiring at
the office. Also, don't believe any statement with regard to welshing
without first consulting me.
The following lines have been sent to me for an opinion. I believe
(but am not sure) that they are the work of several eminent M.P.'s
and that they were intended for Good Words. Whether they are or
not you can best determine. The lines are supposed.to be addressed
to the RIGHT HON. THE EARL OF MoRLEY.
O say not, my lord, that the time has gone by
When the humble might bet if they would;
O say not that gambling is sport for the high-
That the lowly must try and be good.
Remember, my lord, that if betting is wrong,
'Tis at home you should start the reform;
The greatest "knockouts" to your own set belg-
Can you not to fair reason conform ?
That House Legislative, in which your go6d ,luek
Has caused you a seat to obtain,
Has often ere now with sad panic been struck,
When members have plunged til-the'tain
Of infamy, beggary, bankruptcy- (all
Which, in turn, have claimed some.of your peers)-
Has enshrouded great names like a funeral pall,
And compelled the judicious to tears.
Don't you think, if instead of improving, poor flk,
You just turned your attention around,
You'd perceive many things which the people provoke,
Which may bring you some day to the-g rotmd?
And now having given you the foregoing specimen, I:don't. think I
ean do better than improve the occasion with a. little poetic:tip f ,my
own en the Goodwood Stakes and Cup. i'l
Whena-the Goodwoodmneeting's overa-when-ne- more-to be auver, ,
You're returning from the races freeofrom!oareamnd rid oftachoes;
P'r'aps you'll think of what you owe me-p'r'aps you'll hardly care toi
But remember that 'twas I who told you what would win that.
Now you mustn't rush on Flurry, for what I most hate is hurry, '
And you shouldn't of your money, sir, be making ducks and drake;
I'll advise a bit on Cherie, for she's fleet as any fairy, ie
But at the-finish Hungerford will win the Goodwood Stakes.
"Yes; but what about Mortomor?"-Why he's.nsuch, an awful
That many think, at weightdor age, he isn't to.be ono ;
But if you'd like a skinner, -you'd best back the Derby winner,
Who'll carry off the Goodwood Cup-the speaia'tip of FUx.
THE Pall HdlallGtase:th9 other day printedthe following'6Moer
ddressed to itseditor:-
- 'Sir,-- Ihadvedlared-it the DailyN wa..and youkhavereprinted in.the PaU lll'
-that I ho:d4nyselfalone responsible for the chartye,'bropghtoforward agalat '
"laulea Favre and Co." In your-yesterday's publieatleinyoidalaereatheseo ha~lM
"tebe "libels." I declareyou.tobe a libeller. Itisnofiulaof'mine tlhatyoerre
asipnorantas arrogant. If we.'led on the contiantlashbuld.'oalyouto.aaeoUnt I
in anaotherway.--Obediently, Isarx'MAnx.
It wonld be a great pity ifithe ignorance of thisioapletcletter-wriarli
should be allowed to equal hiaarrogance; we thte ore begto call his
ttelnton.to a few simple4hataswith regard t6the-atate of pblic opinion j:
"inf11sgland ,on duelling., 'Enlishmcn, do *not:menaider;ithat a'u ."
prpves heisaot a libellerbecause dhe expresses asiwish. to beeomae,
murderer. 3Englishmen do-not-uonsiderthat 'ayouninlypacamake"'
ris aery3raliant, but that, as if.itwere not 1or yousioloth ". addmse :d
to aparson iabluster,so "if lihia island warsaxnliment," is worthyy
only or Touchsone. .EFnglishmen judge of.Jahtiiian theilion'a! 41dui
Sprincipally.,byhe atte epipra e dingdromit.
,"Anassociation has been started at.Auch kerardeitifoth ppr ion
ibf the use:of intoxicating drink asa.beverages." ',S*zelythe-assooiaton
must have. been seeing double when it perceived such a difference
between drinks" and "beverages" as this language would imply
if taken in sober sense., Itisjust possible that the sentence was penned
by a member of the third-class in the association, that class promising
to abstain from all intoxicating drinks-" with the exception of porter !
Why porter should be excepted and ale condemned we cannot see,
unless the porter is brewed at that Hudi-brasserie, where the mash tub
is devoted to the compounding-for sins we are inclined to! "
A Suspicious ,Measure.
' TH movement in favour of measures for the detention and manage-
ment of habitual drunkards seems to us open to. some little suspicion
on the score of selfishness. Do we mean that the, promoters of the
scheme are habitual drunkards ? Far from it-at least not even next
door to it. But we cannot but think that they hope the system they
advocate will be extended, and that every man will take a deep
brotherly interest in his neighbour. And we should not be surprised
either if, when we have taken care of habitual drunkards, we should
feel called upon to see after the confirmed noodles.
An Able Address.
A BOSTON paper-writing of a recent address'paya:-
The discourse was an hour in length, and was listened to *ith ability."
'Why not ? To discourse for an hour shows rather a- want of ability;
but when it comes to listening to an hour's discourse-well, there are
precious few able to do it I We should fear after.the operation A-bility
.would sink to D-bility.
What we might-expect from." the .likes ? of him.
A VEGETARIAN tells us that whenhe seesa'icaterpillar he is reminded
of a vegetable mar-rer.
A BASHFUL amateur Thespian;'totally incapable 4f identifying him-
i self with his parts, is spoken of by-his friends as.an:unassuming man.
BAD Fon Basss.m&iASQM-9tweso
[JvLY 22, 1871.
EATING AND FEEDING.
Farmer :-" WELL, MY MAN, AND HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT A DAY ? "
Irish Labourer:-" SHILLIN' A DAY AND YOU ATE ME, OR EIGHTEEN PENCE A DAY AND I ATE MYSELF."
A HUE AND CRY.
Los--lost-for ever lost, alack!
A precious let of time, ,
Which no regret can bring me back,
And no insipid rhyme.
But when it went, and where it went,
I never yet could find.
Lost-lost the days that I have spent
In making up my mind.
To advertize them in the Times,
Or in the Telegraph,
Were better than to scribble rhymes
That only earn a laugh.
But prose can hardly represent
A grief of such a kind.
Lost-lost the days that I have spent
In making up my mind.
I'm never slow, but otherwise,
To contemplate a plan;-
I fancy I can theorize
As fast as any man.
Restore me, Fate, but five per cent.
Of hopes that I've resigned; -
Lost-lost the days that I have spent
In making up my mind.
I might have won, I'm pretty sure,
A fortune and a wife;-
Perhaps I might have been secure
Of happiness for life.
To-day my taxes and my rent
Are very much behind.
Lost-lost the days that I have spent
In making up my mind.
I've proved ambition a mistake,
And found that many a scheme
Which once I fancied wide-awake
Has ended in a dream.
At present I must rest content
To sing (when so inclined);-
Lost-lost the days that I have spent
In making up my mind.
How edifying is the administration of English justice' Under an
obsolete statute BEE WoIGHT was allowed to go on persecuting small
traders for eking out their limited means by Sunday selling. At last,
under the same statute, an application was made for a summons against
certain purveyors to Kensington Palace for Sunday-trading in the
shape of salmon and ice. Then justice awoke, and said no more
summonses would be granted to any one! When the applications
made for summonses only deprived struggling poor people of their
means of living, Justice kept her bandage over her eyes. But when
the convenience and comfort of royal personages was threatened she
whipped off the bandage and used it to wipe out the obnoxious
statute. Who, after this, can say English justice is blind ?
THE San Francisco views letter states briefly that:-
The Irish exiles have gone into the lecturing his.
The word biz," we presume, is used instead of buz," because the
latter is appropriated to the industrious bee; whereas "biz" pretty
fairly represents the noise made by a blow-fly that wants to pass itself
off as. a wasp. We may be told by people who pretend to know every-
thing that "biz" is merely slang for "business;" and, for all we
shall assert to the contrary, that may be the fact. So much the worse
.for the fact; that's all 1 !
J'ch'22~187L]:FrIEJ TNT. 4
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHEREE
IMITATIOw, "when confined within ordinary bmanclsica faidttt.q,
which we have no objection xh .tfvrer-rathet'theTheveTse; ;li
exaggerated, imitation becoir..: hnriiib and is thEn an inal nihbli
numiance. In the neighbourh.:...d :.f H..nd... r.:.:. ntlv,,the AJidieaid.
gentlemen engaged at several ri,.i h-dill th.:.ug.ht -lit to -entlatea het
performtntues whichused to 1.. pgin at th,. C0vtal Paltcein aid of
the'TRoyal Dramatic College. The int.-ati-oni a doubtless.good, Imt
its"execution was extremely indiffer.:ni. M'si. -h'afll "buCaneA i
notwondirfully'charming eve n undei thL.-. s.:.otirg influence of lhaer
and-tobacco; comic songs s.:.mrtimeu fll tl-it th.:-.u' helped down by
champagne or shandy gaff. S., how .: in it b. a...ndered that'siars of
botissexes failed-to attract, th.:,ugh thblv 'ap,:r .d ti!l they btscame hot,
:.a d/yveUt d tll thyb were hobrr.:- .,nd thtirst, whn itis-borne-in mind
tlit th.: o:r:. a.ir and a sanLm,.r'i sun witn'veedthe perfonEmaie'?
DIeas of the mo(n t -.i,' and "" ,a-tt.:r" of tbh- flashest!description-wan
thatrul,: : anl th,.:,e wh.:.' anbiti-i.n-itJ to &oe the Bitish cad in.ithe
heiigfit ot hia enjioymInt missed a tare treat. One tplanrt.,of th.e comic
fraterx.ity pcrf'..rm- d th,: almost impossibk f'dat 'of tflaing all.day
withmbot:ever uttrinun a word -of, sense to the'grsat;4l&ight.,of his.
Maft ites: and for thel firt tnit for a long -nTile'etd.'thbiqd.wit4
plebasuathe rain which put a premature end to the proasni agls.
9himm aDny stated'at a eventt mmae ting. of the.IoudoniSBohool' i(oaR
tlat' h rain was not need -il to.a rid irndrditrCen." "Whywthi
titude? .Be might as.welU La,- -aid that'iradins were noSt,' iired
iuiaatmnfiis'.- of -a School Eoard, or that co:.mm.:,u-,.'a-'isEot.neces.
*saiilys'titbd-ren once now and th.no, in a con.lave which has. done
ndti~inpot talk.for-weets. W,- rmayv even go so facasto say.tliat'lt
iath'i aeedfullhar'the outpourings of a humane.mindishouJdireismble
tlmmemingguont-of a limp dieh-;cl.th. Bubaip -iteof.all'that, such
THE public"is nOttLo'te st]l.w, d to smoke on th,- Undergrourid'Rail-
way. Only the sulpiuir-snorting engines are to have the privilege of
impregnating the atmosphere on that subterranean line; in which
case,' Mn. GLAnSTONE and the other shareholders must not be astonished
if the railway is in bad odour.
Besides, the smoking public will smoke, and, consequently,tboth the
smoking public and the non-smoking public will be put to inconve-
nience, which can only be avoided-by the use of smoking-carriages.
The Scott Centenary.
*IT is a curious commentary on the 'enthusiasm' with which we are
this year endeavouring to-do all honour to thenmemoryldf Si WaraLTE
ScoTT, to read that- I
MD. .ArinnAY is tramatising "Ivanho(," the character of Rebecca being in-
tended for MIss NEILSOsN.
It is -some consolation for the thought;,that our praises -fll-unheeded
on what GarY calls "the dull cold ear of Death,"' tbtrflect-that its eye
-should be equally unconscious of the graces of-spectacular drama.
WE don't often prophesy, but here's an instance of CuMaiNG events
that makes us as sure of what will be as the greatbee-master himself:-
P rty-two German authors dedicated their books to Queen Victoria last year. Of
these l rf ceived presents, the rest merely letters of acknowledgment.
We venture to foretell-and if LoD MoTLEY will stand in with us,
we will back our opinion at odds-that this year HER.'MAsTsTr will
receive only ten German dedications.
TnE Hairdren8ers' Chronicle fries, of course, to be a cut above most
people's heads. It has recently startled the world- with this strange
ANA 0H ROMAT HRIX.
We are up to its thi ix, however, as it is the Greek for hair," as chroma
is for "colour ;" but when we come to Ara we give it "up," for
- whether it is to produce or remove the colour of hair seems uncertain ;
but we -warn the public that, whichever .it is, the result will be upon
A Nut for:
WE have the fullest confidence that the British Lion ean show-ana
use-his teeth when occasion arises, but we can well afford to dispense
,with a little of his jaw-in Parliament.
COLOURED AND PLAIN.
IN early life I gained enough of knowledge
To make me rather less than half a fool,
By plodding at a place they called a college-
Though, entire nous, 'twas nothing but a school.
To pictures I devoted my affection,
And filled my gallery from DruryiL:an:
The prise of ev'ry gem in the collection
Was twqo ncWdolourced and a penny plain
The sevenfSiapions of as many nations
Were mlatea with effigies of N. T. HIcKS.
I had MAcanaAD in his best creations,
And Mat. T. Pi4Cooxn in five or six.
Young NoRvA.ini the tartan, with awfdttlxr
Described hisparent as "adfegbtaaftId ';-
Irtshort I pulled a motley g4qnuptogbtiar
: t '"or.twopencocoloured and aspanny plain.
'eAWhre f'crlaeterirun-.up to-.ine.or ten;-.
t &J ?from Blao.eyed Susan to Tekeli,
*:.' 't Obi to the ller andta(his Men.
'1 Id me half-a-d&zen l*dis-and ladis-
4 4l ilf-a-dozen rdbbersin a chain,
ti noiling more-to ilhow-how-cheap AhbrttlAletis-
't sanitwopence colourediand.a-penny plaint
R ozqi p to countrymeLgot.reprosehted
tiaatncongruously vaiedi&set, 1
"WfThILiM e dresses ever yet-invented
Adhii"j ilt are uninvdtt'e4,syet. '
SThe fifSf iia] skloak and in fary- A
N flNo matter; weahallmeetgaain !"-
Was tbhtaeiiable in Drury
Fon.g qeneecblouredland a pnnyiplain.
S lll tsste&insart'iave'auffersn altezation;-
'.Imainn defo,,ase'form(rly I fit,
That1larnma.Lt his hbihlest ovation .
Is mu ifirior to Ma. BKilnT.
Yet now and then fond meinories'eomiplome
To soften the contempt I entertain
For.pictures of the sort they used to sell me
'At twopence coloured and a penny plain.
[We cannot return unaccepted. M88. or Sketches, unless they arc accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and wo do not hold4 ourslves
responsible for loss.]
BEAncY HEAD.-Can't you quarrel with another gal about a pumpkin-
headed puppy, without trying to get a libel on her inserted in a comic
paper. You.deserve spanking-and we shouldn't mind doing it, if: yun
T. (Kilburn).-You.had better try to get your muse into some Orthe-
padic Hospital. Her feet are awfully deformed.
HOPEFUL sends us a brace of brief and bad joke and. says ",please. send
me 5." We think his hope" partakes -too much of the nature of con-
fidence-not to say,- cheek.
L. (Glasgow) may as well suspend for a while his sending of. poetical
contributions, and master the rudiments of verse.
(Leyton),-We fear the publication of your lines would not further
the popular cause.. In fact, we object to yourenclosure as much as-you can
do to that of the forest.
A BEE.-DRINKE.-All right! Bigotry may close a beerhouse -here
and there, but it can't shut up "the general pub ic."
W. W. (Russell-square).-Look here, you've mistaken your vocation.
Try inventing iron-clads, or boring Mont Cenis tunnels, er commanding
armies. Your hand is not light enough for pie cz ust or poetry.
"LINES TO AN INPANT."-The poem is too beautiful and too perilous to
print. It sent us to sleep in about two minutes; and we dread ita. tOats
on a defenceless babe. h1.B. We could.not read the signature. Pity the
lines were not equally illegible.
NExo.-We are tired of abusing the Clerk of the Weather, and hope
he'll go out with the Ministry.
Declined with thanks:-A. D., Edinburgh; S. F., Douglas; P.,
Torquay; G. D. R., Wandsworth; C. C., Bleckfriars road; W. H. S.;
D. F., Dublin; Medical Reform; C. W., Clapham; B. B. B., Cork;
W. L. G., Tonbridge; F. G. M., Toolee-street; Gobble; Reynerg; T..T.,
Berwick; C. S. W., Belfast; D. S., Kingaland; L., Liverpool Bolly;
Anonymus Cuss; B. T. B.; L'. M., Leeds; Chippenham; lype .B
and Co.; D. B. H., Islington; A. H. W.; Clubfoot; Epping Porestr ;
A. J. M.; T. F.; Cure; P. P.,.. Liverpool; HBot Luncheon; -Inlacalle;
J., Marylebone-road; Undergrounder; Habitual; S. 8.; LT -H.,
44 FTUN;. JuLs .1871, .
THE TYRANNY OF MASTERS.
Ann to 'Liza:-"WELL, THERE, I am SURPRISED AT MASTER 'AVIN' SEVEN MEN 'ERE AT WORK, AND NOT o0e GOOD-LOOKIN' UN
AMONGST 'EM HE DID OUGOHTER BE 'SHAMED OF 'IsSELF I"
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
London Society is amusing this month, but it is to be hoped The
Battle in the Channel" will not provoke a quarrel with the German
Empire. We miss the FlSdeur, however, and fancy, with the exception
of the cut to "Leaves of a Listener" the pictures are a trifle belowthe
mark. However, the Holiday Number is strong in art, and very read-
able; in short, altogether just what such a number should be, grave,
gay, lively, and severe by turns, to suit all.
The Argosy is better than usual, with the exception of "Johnny
Ludlow," who is not up to his accustomed excellence. The Isle of
Dreams is a charming little poem.
The Food Journal is good, but will disappoint those readers who turn
to an article on "Cannibalism" in the hope of finding recipes for
dressing "long pig" or serving up cold missionary."
Tinsley's is a fair average number, in which Joshua Marvel" draws
towards its close. What Delicate Feet" means we don't know; its
metrical feet are not delicate at any rate.
In the Atlantic Monthly, besides a poem by LONGFELLOW, and the
continuation of "Kate Beaumont," we have a Californian sketch by
BENT HARTE, who is, we are glad to learn, permanently engaged on
the magazine. Our Whispering Gallery is about DICKENS, but we
think some of the letters should not have been published.
Our Young folks is pleasantly varied this month, and contains
better cuts than usual. "Jack Hazard" is getting up in his
The Dublin University Magazine contains several interesting papers,
notably one on "Lancashire Folk Song," which might have been
longer. There is a pleasing poem, "The Voice of Summer," by ME.
HANNAY, brother of a well-known writer whose pen has been too long
missed from periodical literature.
We have also received Le Follet-quite recovered from the siege of
Paris-the Westminster Tapers, Golden Hours, Young Ladies' Journal,
Gentleman's Journal, Once a Week, Cook's Excursionist, and Milk Journal.
Anything but Cat-lap.
NEITHER BASS nor ALsoPP would go down with an enthusiast at the
Crystal Palace Cat Show. He was heard to ask the purr-veyors for
NO TICE.-On Wednesday Next.
THE GRAND HOLIDAY DOUBLE NUMBER OF FUN.
The only Comic Excursionist and Humorous Seaside Guide.
PLENTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED. ONE PENNY.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : July 22, 1871.
JXvL 29, 1871]
A WA&ZE GOOSE.
Or the origin whence springs the term wayze-goose but little is
known, except that a proverb (which we fear we do not quote correctly)
observes that it is a wayze goose that knows its owr father," and we
can learn nothing further of its parentage. It is sometimes spoken of
as a bean-feast;" and if this kind of bean is the feast Pythagoras
warned his followers to avoid-well, Pythagoras was an ass, and we
say so without in any way endorsing his opinions as to Metempsychosis.
A wayze goose, be it known to the uninitiated, is the Annual Dinner
of a Printing-office, when employer and employed meet for once beyond
the reach of business, and enjoy a d enjoy a eeie holiday, at some plea-
sant suburban retreat. The compositor "sets up no more, but lets
himself be set-up as he is justified in doing-hy the fresh air. The over-
seer forgets about his outer form and his inner form-except with a
view to adorning the former and refreshing the latter. The cut-hand
cuts his overlays altogether. The reader reads nothing but the book
of nature. The maohine-minder goes to press the verdant turf and
takes a pull of beer,
Away they speed by road or rail, with four real horses or with so
many horse-power, to the chosen spot. They arrive pretty early, for
there be sports on hand. Donkey-racing (on foot and on four feet),
leaping, boating, are the order of the day;-nay, we have even seen a
pig well soaped, pursued by panting printers, accustomed to chases"
of another description.
In due course comes the banquet of many courses, after which follow
speeches and toasts-including "the visitors," for the guest is not
given-up, and editors, contributors and artiste are invited to the feast.
It is an excellent custom! On such occasions many a difference,
arising in the wear and tear of business, is drowned in" the loving
cup," and the machinery starts afresh all the better for being oiled
with wayze-goose grease; while in the rush while in the rush of work shall come plet-
sant recollections of Riddleidown, Shirley, Sidcup, Erith, Kingston,
Broxbourne or wherever the l banquet was held.
But the longest day must end, and the best of dinners must con-
clude! Then homeward go the revellers, like giants refreshed by an
outing. And so to bed," where artists with bad consciences or uneasy
digestions are haunted, it would seem, by the spectres of that mysteri-
ous bird, the Wayze Goose!
PEOPLE are too fond of speaking of other members of creation, as
the inferior animals." We trust after reading this anecdote they
will admit that the so-called brutes are their equals in intelligence:-
An old rat in New Bedford got capture by the neck in a trap the other day, and
speedily evinced signs of much demoralization. In a very short time a small army
of compatriots rallied to the spot, attracted by his cries, and-rescued him I-no,
they didn't do that; but they went right to work, skinned him, and ate him all up,
except his hind legs.
There's a good deal of human nature in rats evidently.
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
NNOCENT youth, we do not
wish to terrify you, but
when, hazardously, you are
about "to shakl e your
elbow" remember ME-
r ISTO, the original Dice-
heaver, is at it to help it
shake beware, or the oldest
Nick" may turn up some
d to your preju dice !
Never forget "The Deuce"
is really in the box, only
Sa waiting die-abolically for
spring out upon you and do
Ah! dear boy, if every
dice-box but bore on its rim
the motto Honi soit qui
mal y pense"-not to be
S-i Hpronounced nor understood
as having anything what-
hae gtever to do with French, but
as a simple line of English
-it would, as regards the enemy of mankind, be but too true, for
indeed and indeed-" On his walk he may leap hence !
Mind your P's and Q's says the sage, and we heartily echo the
sage's saw, but of the two we recommend you to mind the q's, they
may bring a man to grief : true we should have no Pyramids nor Tool
without p's, but it's handling the q is the dangerous part of them
as .......... P's shell out; Q's make you do it!!
There is no position in which a man's wife can place herself so
utterly unflattering to her, as in that-of a q sir!
We beg most respectfully to suggest that if you have just got fitted
with a new set of-of-of masticators, you could not employ a more
Apropos interjection than by Chew-better and Chew-now! It
sounds much more fauci-ble than by Jawge! or even than-by gum!
P.S.-Don't chew forget this.
If the dentist by the by, in his advice gratis should ever say to you
"Hold your jaw reply to him-" You hold jaws !"
When going up in a balloon, as you never know where you may
have to get out again . .put on a parachute-ing boots.
They've put off the TICHBORNE case till November, nevertheless the
SoLIcITOR-GENERAL is still as hard at work as ever, as he has un-
ceasingly been from the days of . AA. Need we say we
allude to THE Solicitor-General LovE!
Should you be surprised to learn that the voluptuous animal below
is a new found land dog ? Should you be surprised to learn that he is
a Wagger Wagger dog ? And should you be surprised to learn that,
upon the well-known principle of the retina of the eye retaining a bit
of burnt stick in it for more than eversolong, the Wagger Wagger's
tail is true to nature ?
You would ? Ah, we thought you would; nevertheless out of all
your friends (and if you have any money you have friends) not one of
them is as sincere, as uninterestedly sincere, as your Wagga Wagga,
for HE wouldn't wag his tail at you, unless he loved you.
Pensie fugitive at the Zoo on being assured of the wonderful
muscular power of some of the ferocious specimens':-if the wild
animals only are half as strong as they . as the .. as their
. natural bouquet, HOW strong they must be.
Good thing a devilled bone, eh ? well, the bone of contention has
generally a pretty good lot of pickings on it, and it makes a capital
devil; people couldn't make much more row over it when they're
picking it, if it was-a trom-bone.
[JULY 29, 1871.
We constantly hear fellows say, "That's hard lines," or "This is
hard lines," or t'other's hard lines," but if you want to know what IS
hard lines ... be ruled over!
Never despair, gosling, never at random say nil desperandum, if you
should lose all your money, you may be quite certain that an immense
number of dear friends, if they don't leave you a legacy at their
deaths, will at any rate leave you a loan whilst they live !
Many a man is lucky enough to find castles in the air," chateaux
en Espagne, act as his Spanishea for all the ills of life; to find Hope
with her anchor buoy him up and anchorage him in all his undertak-
ings : but, tho' we grant you she is charming in poetry, music, and
painting, tho' we admit her to be solid in statuary, what, oh what a
humbugging ignis fatuus is Hope in reality.
Ah youth, may you who pass so many of your hours in Hope's fairy
palaces dreaming, may you never have to realize WHY "castles in
the air" are "Chateaux en Espagne," for 'tis because . .
_- _" _: : --__ _
,- .- :
N- M 1
-- N4,,^fc*;-.o: M
WHa. should they tell me to take a holiday ? For what earthly reason
must I go to Scarborough, Henley-on-Thames, Ventnor, Killarney,
Switzerland, the Channel Islands, Margate-or, to cut the matter short,
anywhere out of the latitude and longitude of my native and adored
London ? I am perfectly happy at home. The postal districts of this
metropolis are sufficiently spacious and varied for the likes of such as
me. Foreign travel is altogether out of my line. My opinion of
RoBsNsoN OCRsoE, Captain GULLIVER, and the late MARCO POLO is a
mean one; and although I pity the Wandering Jew, I cannot respect
him. The rolling stone gathers no moss. I own that it is not the aim
of my existence to gather any particular quantity of moss, but I respect
proverbs-which are the wisdom of nations-and positively refuse to
roll more than is necessary.
Personal feeling and inclinations, however, must be sacrificed on the
altar of public duty. 'My editor (whose word is law) tells me to get
somewhere out of town for a holiday, and London must endeavour to
support my temporary absence. Come hither, neat-handed PHILLIS,
and straightway load me a commodious portmanteau. Give me
changes of raiment. Let me have a suit of evening dress; I shall be
invited, as a matter of course, to dine with all the local aristocracy.
Pack me up a WoRDswoRTH and a PorE. Leave the Bard of Avon
alone, PHILLIS, for the Bard of Avon is in eight volumes. The Dunciad
of ALEXANDER and the Excursion of WILLIAM will supply just about
as much mental pabulum as I can comfortably put away during the
next month or two. So much for luggage.
But whither am I bound ? There is a sort of romance about the
south of Spain that rather tickles my fancy. I
should like to be shaved by FIGARO under the
shadow of the Giralda. I should like to--
But no; I utterly detest the scent of garlic,
and the gates of Spain are for ever closed
Suppose we say Ilfracombe. This delight-
ful and highly salubrious watering-place is
pleasantly -situated in the county of --.
May I be drawn and quartered if I can spot
the name of the British county that is justly
proud of Ilfracombe. Perhaps Devonshire;
ut I will not speculate wildly. There will
be, at all events, boats and fishing-rods at
Ilfracombe. There will be the best of so-
ciety. The male sex will be represented by --
intellect and the female by beauty. Days of
healthful exercise and nights of revelry
tempered only by prudence and propriety
await me at Ilfracombe. PHILLIS, fetch me
an "ABC" and a "Bradshaw." Call me
at seven to-morrow morning, No tedious
delay in the preparation of my breakfast.
Let it be modest but substantial. Kidneys on -- .o
bacon, with a muffin or two; for why should
I grow suddenly luxurious at the hour of
leaving London for a strange land P
Stay, PHILLIS. It is rarely that I change 3
my mind, but in this moment of supreme
trial I do confess that I somewhat vacillate.
Methinks I would fain revisit the country of
WILLIAM TELL. I was made very comfortable
at the Schweitzer-hof in Lucerne some years
ago, and I should like to prove to its land- ..
lord that I am not ungrateful. Besides, you
have only to steam along the lake and skip ,
across the Alps by the Pass of St. Gothard i'
-and there you are in Italy. Milan will bear
seeing twice, and I did very little in three-
quarters of an hour beyond exploring the
Cathedral and eating a few cutlets. But then m
I was hurried; now I can dawdle. I might
even penetrate as far as Venice, and have
larks oh the Lagoon. Perhaps Naples would
be a stretch beyond my finances, and Vesu-
vius would hardly erupt on purpose to
gratify a poor solitary Cockney. No; I should
have to pull up at Rome. PHILLIS, remind
me to purchase PINNOCK'S Abridgement of
Goldsmith's History." I am a trifle shaky
in my twelve COESARS.
On second thoughts there is a strange
fascination about the Channel Islands. Jersey ,
and Guernsey are a little hackneyed, no
doubt; and Alderney has not altogether
escaped the notice of the tourist. But
nobody has done thorough justice to Sark.
I should consider it a labour of love to write
three volumes on the origin and history of
this neglected isle, with a copious appendix -
relating to the manners and customs of its
inhabitants. I firmly believe that I could
render Sark and the Sarkese intensely inter-
eating to the British reader.
Then there is Margate-briny and Bohe-
mian Margate--nmes premiers amours Does
ToM 'WATLE hero of the Northern Belle ca-
tastrophe, still exist ? Is bitter ale still drawn 1. Two loving Fi
at the "Elephant?" Will M. NHA is the cause of a light
give me drugs when I am not myself at all ? e A
I should like to solve these and other problems.
What a delightfully quiet and contemplative holiday a fellow could
spend on the Thames! Henley-Warbridge-Sonning-these words
are music in mine ears. But where to fix the preference ? Reason
whispers, "Do them all." Very good, Reason; but where to begin ?
I really have no more will of my own than a cabhorse. Here is a
momentous occasion before me, and I can't for very life make up my
mind. I begin to abhor the notion of holidays altogether. Who
invented them ? Let his name perish.
I will not go anywhere. My editor may rave as he pleases. He
wilt rave; but here I stick. Never mind that portmanteau, PHILLI !
CABUL news, just now of interest, reaches us by cable.
A MISCHIEVOUS FISH.
rlends determine to have a day's sport.-2. They behold a splendid fish.- 3. It
ealousy.---4. The greedy fish snaps both baits.- 5. For the first time they dis-
One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.
A PICTURESQUE writer in a weekly contemporary, while maundering
about the pastoral meadows and summer gardens which do not exist at
the suburban establishment he so fervidly describes, suddenly gushes
forth as follows:-
There is only one fault we can find with Mr. 's arrangements-namely,
that the stupid and barbarous practice of donkeyriding is permit d in the grounds.
Donkeys are very well for children to ride, but it is sickening to see a great hulk-
ing fellow bestriding a poor little inoffensive animal not nearly his weight.
In the same journal there appears an elaborate report of the pigeon
massacres at the various gun clubs, in which the shooting is character-
ised as being first-rate. Surely this is an exemplification of the
apothegm, A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind."
JuvY 29, 1871.]
48 F IINT, [rY 29, 871.
F N OFFICT, Wednesday, ly !6, 1871.
AwAY-away to the mountain's brow!
(or to Margate Jetty, anyhow !)
Away to the land of moor and fe11-
(Though Southend will possibly do as well)-
To the wimpling burn and the purple brae-
(Or the maritime villas of wild Heune Bay)-
To the forest green!
(And the bathing machine-
l And all that sort of thing; you can tell what I man !)
We will follow and slaughter the flying deer,
(Or catch small lobsters off Ramsgate Pier),
We will storm the eyrie where eagles scxeech,
(Or capture shrimps upon Broadstairs beach)
We will climb where the wild dats' cubs are bred,
(Or swallow the oyster, just torn from bed),
And we'll eat of fawn!
(Or the succulent prawn,
)r the piclded salmon or inarbled brawn !)
Then reach me my 'ifle, as brown as a nut-
(Or a paper of sandwiches carefully cut)
Oh, my alpen-stock-it.is all I ask "
(With some brandy, pale, in a pocket-flask)
Then away we'll hie* for adventure ripe,
(With an ounce of returns and a briar-root pipe)
In our yacht we'll float I
(Or the Margatp boat-
Though, if the sea's rough, for the rail I vote !)
The Queen's PriZe.
ENsIGx HumPHRnEY's not very tall,
But ENSIGN HumP nnY had a great haul;
He took the Queen's prize for 'sevenhty 6ne,
And his name is thus rendered inmnortal by Fui.
THE POINT MISSED. Another People's Palace.
NonRTE London is to have its victory not less rd.
Tom and ack have just returned from Ben Something at an alitunle where the owned than Norwood. The Muswell Hill Palace
whiskey is above proof. scheme is in spirited hands, and the novelty and exsite-
Tom .--I SHAY, Scost MIS' DAMPSH w v'YTHING-c AN'T EVEN LI' A CANDLE meant of a lottery and a tontine (what will Lont MonLzy
IN THESH PAn's! say to that?) will quickly bring in the requisite
N.B.-aNor in an other parts without 4rs removing the extinguisher. Funds. Here's wishing it all success !
and long-haired cats, who must have suffered from being crowded to
THE CRYSTAL PALACE. suffocation-or "pusspiration" as it was described by a stout lady
IT is pleasant to excurse, provided you have all the requisites for so near us: and, by the bye, the heat may account for the absence of
doing, prominent amongst which are two thousand a year, a well- several cats from their cages at the time of our visit, though it is not
provided lunch-basket, and fine weather. Those who are possessed impossible that in some instance a fair damsel (age unspecified) may
of these advantages may excuse when they like and for as long as have repented of her desire to exhibit her pet, and have carried it off
they like-even unto far California where you have green peas, straw- exclaiming, "Give me back my Arab steed "-or words to that effect.
berries and oranges all the year round, where melons are almost as big However, despite absences, the exhibition was extensive and included
as the Albert fall (and much nicer!) and where generally the "Seven all varieties, from the wild cat, fierce as one of the caterans of his own
League Boots" of the Old World are outstripped by the Golden Highlands, down to the tamest of tame cats-so tame as to be almost
Gate-ers of the New. pussylanimous. On the whole the cats bote the publicity well, for
People less blest in cash, comestibles and climate, must be content such timid creatures. Here and there, an individual would invoke
to excurse within narrower limits-only too many can spare but one the muse, and run through the vowels, with a maisou (and sometimes
day. It is of them that TurrPPEa proverbialises with his usual felicity w and y), but they were the exceptions.
in the maxim Excursers like chickens come home to roost." For them The judges-whose names must have a niche in that part of the
the Crystal Palace is the place, with its lovely park, its bright Temple of Fame which is surrounded by cater-walls and adorned with
parterres, its frequent fireworks, its operas and concerts, and its caterpillar--were the REv. J. C. MACDORA (who was not assisted by
hundred other attractions, which unlike those of the fair, increase any of his St. Bernards), MR. JENNEiR WIn, and MR. HARRisoN
with age. But there is no want of novelties there I Have we not had WERTS, who was to be seen after judging the cats, executing them with
a Cat Show there recently ? his own hand and in his well-known style.
By what Catalinian conspiracy the General Purrpussies Committee There is to be another show in November, when we trust the
was prevailed on to try the experiment, we know not, er we would let authorities- will Show the one cat that we missed on this oocasion-
that cat out of the bag. The result was an eminent success:-The I catalogdte! .
way the Cats jumped was into popularity at one bound. From early
morning till late in the evening, the cages were surrounded by eager A Powerful Lever.
crowds, with whose admiration, we are bound to admit, a good deal of Mn. OHARLas WrATmIs of Chancery Lane sends us a ULavn whereby
"maiden meditation" was mingled. As for the show it was most *e have often been moved. A portrait of the author of Harry
comprehensive. A playful contemporary says the only cat not repre- Lorrequer, Charles O'Malley, and Tack Hnton will be welcome to the
sented was the cat of nine tails. But wasn't there a cat with twenty readers of those perennial works-and those readers are to be reckoned
eight claws-not to mention her kitten which was placed on the same by milliards, like the French Iademnity.
unfamiliar footing. There were cats of all colours, and eats of none;
cats of portentous size (catastrophes we might say, if it were not cata- CINA can boast of her golden pheasants-better still, of her
chrestical) and cats of no size (or kittenastrophes); short-haired cats, taels of silver.
FUTJN,.--JULY 29, 1871.
FOR A HOLIDAY NUMBER.
NUMBER OF HOLIDATS9
JULy 29, 1871.] 53
MARGATE. _- .
And belles and beaux, '-
Buff slipped ore
The Magorgate shore,
AllThe Sprinkjolly dogs,"'er
With dipps there,
Machines in rows,
And belles and beaux,
And he bths, the shops,e
The gorgeous th ops,"
The "jolly dipops,
WiThe gullatens that glider
Above baths, tide,
'The &.Ils, thd fops, o
The gulls that glide
Above the tide,
As there outside
My sweet retreat
With joy complete
Again I greet;
And London cares,
And life's affairs,
And scrip and shares,
And bulls and bears,
My muse forswears, LIKELY CUSTOMERS .
And even dares-
Though Rhyme despairs- Deck- Waiter:-" BOTTLED ALE OR STour! Now, LAmDIES, CAN I GET YER ANYTHING -
Objargate! BRANDY, RuM, d6t GIN!"
A WIMBLEDON SCAMPER. ON the evening after the Queen's Prize was won, there were groat
doings. The H. A. C.'s illuminated, and ran to the head of the flag-
"WHAT a jolly place Wimbledon would be, if it wasn't for the staff, a revolving lantern of appearance so imposing, you would hardly
shooting," said, the other day, within our hearing, a young lady, who have dreamt that the bottle-jack of commerce entered largely into its
was probably tired of the ceaseless banging, and not altogether composition. Beneath its gleam, the bold bombardiers and their
amused'by seeing her Alphonse stretched on the pit of his stomach, gallant officers circulated the loving cup, and chanted the cheerful
firing apparently into space, his motto being ditty. At the camp of the Victorias, dear to the earwigs (who like all
I could not love thee, dear, so much, Whigs have a keen eye for a comfortable place), there were also illumi.
Loved I not bull's-eyes more." nations and jollifications. No one, to see his heerfulness, would have
What she would have said if she had seen him paying attentions to suspected how nearly that energetic amateur cook was being eaten out
another Deer, the Running one, we cannot tell! of all his stores, owing to the rush of guests consequent on Ma.
However, even with the shooting, Wimbledon is a jolly place, HUMPHREY, the Queen's prizeman being quartered with the University
supposing your place has fallen in pleasant lines-the lines of the Contingent in the Victorias' camp.
Victorias or of the H. A. C., for instance-especially when the We have seldom seen a prettier sight than that camp looked, with
Queen's Prize is won. its lamps and cressets burning, while the band discoursed sweet music,
The Camp has been fuller than ever this year, and has been visited or some popular chorus came ringing from the Marquee, where that
by unusual numbers, especially on Sundays; on which day the Council most popular of entertainments, the Victoria Sing-song was held. But
of the Associatiol cloSed the refreshment pavilion, and so crowned the the most popular of those choruses, are they not published in the book
succession of blutiders they have committed in connection with it. of Camp S'onygs, by MoULDY," which are reprinted from our able but
They managed, to start with, to bungle matters so with the contractors, too occasional contemporary, The Earwig, still edited by the energetic
that at the last moment they had to undertake the provisioning them- "J'AIDIT," and published by HARRISON AND Sows, of Pall Mall !
selves, and but for their luck in securing the experienced services of But there goes the gun-cease firing I-no, we mean our space is
MR. HAND, who has done wonders in the time and under the circum- exhausted, and so are we at the thought of the sunny days of Wimble-
stances, they would have utterly broken down. By closing the don, and the jolly evening in camp.
pavilion on Sundays, when they knew how many holiday folks might
be expected, they made a pretty kettle of fish; for the thirsty crowds Cariodis Instance of Taste.
besieged the mess-tents, and a riot was more than imminent. This
bit of Sunday closing was not only silly, it was snobbish. OUR old friend Bnowr says he always did think that taste was a
The weather has been trying for the marksmen, bit the shooting on matter of opinion, and opinion was a matter of taste, and after reading
the whole has been good. The latest arrivals-thd Canadians-have the following in the Standard he feels strangely corroborated:-
donewell and worked steadily. They were lucky enough to reap the A duel with sabres has just taken place neir Amiens between a young man of
ts of experience, which warned the English volunteers against any that town and a Prussian officer. The latter in walking through the street had
ore receptions, in which their country has hitherto failed to shine puffed the smoke of his cigar ia the face of the other who replied to ths in sult by
clapping the German in the face. The officer had the good taste not to demand
much. The Belgians, for instance, who gave our m such a splendid the ia.ervention of the armed force, and a meeting took place the next morning,
tional reception, can scarcely be said to have received a return when the Frenchman killed his advereaty.
or their magnificent hospitality in a luneh at Ptithey, or such BRowN says (and we coincide with him), if that is good taste hb
banquet as that, organised apparently by a CAPTAIN MERCInER, should have preferred the bad taste of remaining alive, even iAt the
nTuesday week; when twice as many guests were invited as expense of force, armed or otherwise.
uld be accommodated, and they were kept for more than two hours
.the broiling sun to gaze at empty tumblers and table-napkins. Nor he weather and the rop.
o the Belgians carry off anything remarkable in the way of prizes; The Weather and the Crops.
u being of inelegant design, little calculated to do credit to AweNGRS, unlike farmers, make the best Harvest in "catching"
glish Art on the Continent, weather.
54 [J. ULT 29, 1871.
Die Unifersalls-(tat is die Indernajionall's)-Eggzibishions-
.A .Fir reisender in JEngland's a Kide Pook, mate fery short,
VROM HANS BREITMANN KALBFLEISCH ODELL, VINSPURY SQUARE,
LONDON, TO KARL BUMMEL, 336, SCHAFSKOPPFTRASSE, MUNCHEN BAYERN.
MEa HERZ-FREUND,-NOW tat you af enter in de driomphant
manners de capital of Bayern (and all gut zout, Teutschers vish it to
capital ov all Sharmany vas), id is af a gourse tat you vill hev by
schnell post and dampschif eggsbidishiously gom dis Indernazionall's
Eggshibishion to zee and mit inguiring gritizicisms jodge. Your
friend he is oblige do go to New York to gif anoder barty, and zo he
vill not be aple do zee you fen you to Lundenland go on. Noefer mind,
I have wroten you one liddle Kide-Pook, vich fill pe all de zo moch
betters as to tam swindle you vill puy in Vaterland for doo vlorins
an' a alf, and dis (boblished in a gomio baper galled Von fill only
gost you von benny.)
Ven you sdart vrom your odell in to morning, verst you dake a
liddlo glass of peer at de most usbegtablest boblig you can vind near do
Vinsbury Square, or bedder sdill ad de station in Moorcate Street,
and den you dake de Undercround Railfay to Zout Genzington, and
berhlaps before you co indo de Eggshibishion you may af anoder
Jdd oa class peer ad de Pell und Horns in to Prompton Roat, do dat
iz a liddle oud of your fay; bud peer is petter as time.
Bass dro de durnstile (fen you av paid your shillin, but Hans
Breitmann ven he vos in London he never bay noding ad all, because
Mr. Villin de great Pill-Stickerer-Adfertisement-Gondractor-rath he
gif Hans a season dicket vich von day he loose; but ah! den he not
pay noding, vor he ron dro de polizsman leks and bass py to side ov to
durnsdile-like Reinicke Fiichs in to vaple, he gif to money-daker de
zlip, ah! ha!) Veil, fen you are in to building cot pe zhure you co
to zee to callory of bottery and borcelains broductions-fabrik; and
to liddle stall fore to putty eals she make to tabaks-pfeiffoe oud ov to
bibeclay, and zell dem do you if you bleese; bot Hans Brietmann he
always garry a bibo in his bocket and not vant nefer to puy nonfir
rauthen. Observe de Bewter Bottery. Dis vill make you dusty, and
in von of to ouder gorridors dere is a Parr mit zom butty liddle
miidchen in Sharman tress vere you gann av a liddle class peer, jus to
keep you oggupied dill it is dime to zit down to a serious mittagessen
in bbiers and Bond's Tining Room. Iv you meed Mr. Villin tell him
you are de herz-friend ov Hans Breitmann, and he vill ask you to
thinner and drife you 'ome zo dat you not shall know veder you on
your kopf or your heels you are.
Of gourso you vill zee to Royal Albert All, vich iz a monument to a
good Sharman First, whose tomb is offer to fay in Frockmore High Park,
but he not finish yet, I mean te tomb in to High Park, becoase Mister
WvHAT O~n ~ O ~ K
Sky TO Ab It
MTER 7 AIA
" The Useful and the Beautiful a. e one."
Ayrton, the chief of te stone crafe-dickers, he gannot be zivil do nopoty.
Mr. Ayrton is a beautiful manuns-ach shreoklich seh6n ; bod he is
nod a salon-mensch. He is nod bolide. N.B.-Tere is no peer in to
Alpert All, bod dere fillpe fen to Monuments is all vinnish. Jost now
there is noding bod a larch orchan vich make a tam noise ven dey play
ubon id for to oradorios ov to Crate Sharman Kappel-&eister Georg-
Freidrich von Handel.
De Ordigultural Cartens is so likewise bard of to eggshibishions;
and fen I co dere I zit mit zom friends in von of to class zommerhausen,
and mate a killner pring me zom peer, and ten a liddle schnapps and
vatur mit mein cigar, and ten fe all got laughing and singing hein-
hider, dill fe zee Mr. Gole, C.B., going, ven fe all ron afay (like de
French ad de Schlacht bei Weissemburg), begos id iz nod ber-
mishioned peer do drink, nor in de Ordigultural Cartons schnapps su
haben, nor tabak zu rauchen. Das ist bei straf verboten, and id is to tam
You fill zee ten all to galleries in to Eggsibishion, mit the Crand
Bicture Calleries (fere to fery pest pictures as efor vos is py to Sharman
bainters). Te Vrench Sgool is fery boor, and to Pelgian pictures is
nod vorth a tam. I dink I dell you do zee de Borclain an de Poddery;
fell, after dat co and zee te Grockery-fare-shtop, it iz de same dings.
Moch bedder av anoder liddle class peer.
De Vorsted mannuvacturies iz vastly vine; so iz all the machineries
in motion, bod tay make you all moch dredful dusty, and are bedder
after a liddle peer. To pest Eggshibishions at Zout Kenzingdons is
Spiers' and Bond's parrmaids, to vair cals mit to colten shignonn ad
te dopp of tore preddy liddle edds. Hans Breitmann lose his herz to
von of dese nize cals, and vant do kiss her hand, bod she schlog him on
JULY 29, 1871.]
A HEAVY BLOW FOR HIM!
Lottie :-" Now, Mn. SPOONINGTON, ISN'T IT DELIGHTFUL I WISH YOU WOULD SING US THAT BEAUTIFUL SONG OF YOURS, BLOW,
GENTLE GALES "
Old Lady (slightly deaf and only catching the last words) :-" GALES BLW I! OH, DON'T TALK ABOUT IT-WE DON'T WANT NONE 0' THAT "
de kopf, and she say, "Would you pe zorprize to ear dat you are an
imbudent fellow F "
Tore is noding now I should haf do dell you aboud to Eggshibishions,
because if you co dere you fill zee id all mitout vanting any more Kide-
Pooks-informations vrom me; bod vodever you do, before you leaf co
to the last of the Revreshment parrs and av von liddle class peer, and
loog ad a liddle midchen mit a fery pig ead ov air vat as one liddle
proun mole on the left zide ov her chin. She is peautifuller as to
peautifullerist liddle cal I efer zee efen in Zout Sharmany.
Zo now, leben zie wohl,
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 229.
THE Season is over,
To Ramsgate or Dover
Away let us run,
To roll in the clover
And bask in the sun!
1. "A rat-a rat behind the arras!"
He used his blade with skill too certain,
For, his position to embarrass,
He killed a mnan- and tore the curtain!
2. Some like me) and some like me not,
And some acquire the taste I wot.
To me it matters not a jot I
3. The gladiator's skill
By him was taught the cruel trade, to kill!
Whose best-trained men were fated for disaster.
4. Upon his head the poor Italian bore
NAPOLEON, SHAKESPEARE, and some dozen more;
When on a piece of orange-poel he stumbled,
And in the dust those mighty ones were humbled.
5. In the Nevskoi Perspective
A figure effective,
You'd make, if, in wraps very carefully furled,
In a vehicle, on you were rapidly whirled.
6. If this puzzle you revolve,
And choose this word the doubt to solve,
Why, since the answer you have got,
You will be there, and you will not 1
7. I1 saw two oxen in a plough
Their stubborn necks to labour bow;
"Aha!" said I, "It tames, I spy,
Much stronger animals than I!l
SOLUTION or AcnoSTIC No. 227. Wimbledon Gathering : Wag,
India, Millet, Beach, Line, Elzevir; Dioscuri, Onion, Nag.
CORnECT SOLUTIons or AcaOSTIC No. 227, received 19th July :-Mephietophele'
M.; Double or Quits; Norwood Noodle; Dycque; S ur Lemon; Snakes and Snuft
fers; D. E. H. ; T. H. 0. and Anna; Chumme ; Biddy and Potter.
Sova Lamon :--Apparently not received.
The Proverbial Spade.
THE latest warlike novelty from America is the trowel-bayonet.
The United States Ordnance Office has recommended the issua of 500 to be tested,
morally and physically, by twenty-five companies, and when we see the reports
we shall be better able to form an opinion of the merits of what is admitted to be
an ugly, and asserted to be a very useful, weapon. General Sherman is in favour
We should fancy that the inventor has spoilt a horn rather than
made a spoon, for the weapon may well be too sharp for a spade and
too blunt for a bayonet. A tool broad enough to dig a ditch would be
too broad to give anything but a broadly humorous dig in the ribs to
an opponent. As to morally testing the new implement, we don't
see how it is to be done-unless its temper is to be tried.
[JULY 29, 1871.
_ ,cC- (
A MODEST GENIUS.
NATIVE :-" Well, Sir, I manage to make a livin' o't somihow-Fact is, I keeps the Post Oflice and a little School; I teaches navigation and
cuts hair, I plays the organ in the church, kills pigs and doos a little farrierin' ; I'm Parish Clerk and collect the Income Tax. I mizzures a good
bit o' land fur the farmers, taitehes any private families the planner, and brews once afortnit for our landlord. I keeps a little chandler's shop and
sells straw hats, sou-westers, tarpaulins, and drapery. I've got a coal yard and a class for learning' the fiddle. I used to do a little to Auctioneerin'
too, but that's cut up so isn'tt worth much. I'm correspondent for the county paper and picks up a good bit o' news a' one sart and another, 0u4 time
ain't like they useo to be, Sir !"
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
MORE rattening at Sheffield. MIan shuffled off bonds of Trades
Union. Unionists "shuffled off his mortal "-wheelband. = Com-
plaints in Chelsea vestry that noisy people in that neighbourhood
"won't go home till Cre-morning." = Explosion at two Railway
Stations caused by detonating toys. Nice innocent playthings for
children, who want blowing-up. = Public Schools Shield at Wimble-
don won- naturally by WIN-CHESTER. = Queen's Prize carried off by
ENSIGN HUMPHREY. Cambridge triumphant at Wimbledon as at
Putney. = Lords reject the Army Bill. So much the worse for the
SLords! = MR. TOMLINE objects (on strength of an old obsolete statute)
to lawyers sitting for counties. Evidently one of that class of clients
who like to be their own lawyers.= Government seems inclined'
to give away the people's right to Epping Fdrest. Too Liberal a
Government. = Cat Show at Palace. Old maids took the opportunity
to exhibit their felines. = The fine weather, the prolonged absence of
which has been so much deplored, has arrived. Now people say it is
too close! No satisfying 'em!
WHAT Trainer should just now be more than ever appreciated ?
[We cannot return unaccepted JIS. or Sketches, unless they are qcom.
pauned by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold. ursetea
responsible for loss.]
GUsH.-In consideration of the warmth of the weather we excuse that of
your language. The facts were as stated.
I. E C.-The block is of no use.
T. TWIOEO..-Have the goodness not to enclose in newspapers com-
munications, for which we are liable to pay extra postage. It is a little
too bad that we should have to pay because it amuses us to bilk the revenue.
PoNTo.-Good dog! (We refer to the Latin.)
I. D. (Owgan ?)-We are intensely grateful for your letter (which cost
twopence) and its enclosure (which is of no use).
Declined with thanks :-J. F., Wortley; T., Twigge, No. 2; A Leedser;
Omy; Pump Court; Clio; J. E. C.: "The Ladies;" J. C., Richmond;
David, Soho; Sundey Question," Hastings; J. S., Cockermouth; R. R,
Hereford-road; L. B.; F. A. L., Tiverton: Sacks, Worcester; E, L,
Glasgow; "Adaption;" Grace Grudge; W. P., Charminster; W., Mat-
lock Bridge; Piggy Wiggy; Wagga-Wag; M Liverpool; S. F.; B.,
Islington; Roger B'ehborn; L., Greenwich; Bella; Theoretic; S. S.; T.,
Wandsworth; Tramwayite; Crooked; W. S. J.; R., Leeds; J. J.,
BRYANT & MAY'S
PATENT SAFETY MATCHES.S
LIGHT ONLY ON THE BOX.
1 &15 w a
ATJGUST 5, 1871.1
"Even the tiny fly by its quick and zigzag flight assists to purify and sweeten the air."- Edueational Work quoted by Bir
i. Lubboek in the Eouse of Commons last week.
Old Fizsletop, who called on his friend 8kalpill, while he was dissecting a kangaroo, thinks that considering the number of flies, the air
might have been sweeter.
THE PROPOSED NEW BETTING BILL. poor benighted Esquimaux. [N.B. I am open to receive subscriptions
on this account myself.] You will perceive that the wagering system
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. of the upper classes is free from this indictment, as in the majority of
Smn,-T am not going to commence my letter with the statement cases they owe the money only.
that I am a regular subscriber to your periodical. I know it is usual 3. Because there are many thousand persons solely engaged in
for gentlemen who write to editors to make such assertion; but there betting who under an improved state of circumstances would be thrown
are at least two reasons which restrain me in the present case from out of employment and driven to become criminals. These would in
falling into the beaten track. In the first place, I have a strict admi- due course be captured, sentenced, and imprisoned-and the House of
ration for, and belief in the advantageous use of, the truth, when Correction is in my opinion the proper place for all betting men.
nothing better offers, and secondly I wish you to distinctly understand 4. Because ready-money betting must be wrong or the House of
that I have no sympathy with, or affection for, any of the profane and Lords wouldn't have passed the Bill. [This is a most conclusive argu-
frivolous publications of which I regard FUN as the representative. ment.]
But, Sir, my attention has been called to some objectionable lines of 5. Because I once made a bet and lost-and had to pay. [This is still
yours referring to the maiden effort at legislation of a young noble- more conclusive.]
man. Now, this I hold to be indecent, for nothing can be farther You must by the foregoing, Sir, feel considerably put down. How-
from the duty of an Englishman than to fly in the face of Providence, ever, if you think it worth while I can, for a consideration, argue just
as represented by our old nobility. You have doubtless heard the as well on the other side. Yours Faithfully,
beautiful lines in which the following passage occurs:- SETH PECKSNIFF.
Let whats-his-names and thing-'m-bobs all die
But give us still our old nobility. Liberty and Equality.
There is a sweet pathos about this which is to me inexpressibly affect- IT has been said by a poet-
ing, the more so that it is the work of a member of that class which One place there is, beneath the burial sod,
asks in such modest tones to be preserved amongst us. Where all mankind are equalized by death.
But to resume In addition to the fact that it is wrong to refuse why The equality is restricted to "under the turf"-and very properly.
measure propoed by common people ought the realm, I will now shown. On the turf, according to Loan MORLEY, there is no such freedom; for
1. Mind, I don't lay muon stress on this resn s I am not one of noblemen only are to have the privilege (and they have certainly not
1.the admirers of that person who has been so irreverently, as I am namedot onthe allowed it to lapse) of ruining themselves by betting. The peer has
the admirers of that person who has been so irreverently named the o TdT S p.LLs--the poor nmn may not have his "tit forTat, that'
divine Williams, but as he is doubtless one of your own authorities, I his -th poor man may not hav his
like to quote him against you. Somewhere in his writings is to be a horse of quite another colour !
found, I believe, the following sentence:-
I could have better spared a betting man. From the Woolwich Infant.
2. Because the money applied to betting purposes could be much PLUMSTEAD, where gunnery is reduced to a science, is the real
better laid put, say in cocked hats for coolies or in white ducks for the Marsh of Intellect.
veL. xrv. G
P2VO OFFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 2nd, 1871.
WIRTUE AND WICE.
A Blow-ha, ha'!
But never mind!
For this once-ah!
But you shall find
That Virtue's blush
Shall make you quake
And tr-r-remble. Hush!
For Mercy's sake.,
A blow!-well, well'!
A time:will come--
I will not tell;.
For I am dumnb;
But still, oh,atill-
1 might-T oould-
A aithen .you guess,
You'll have to die.
1beantime, you know,
instructive self. Right hand or left; which will you take ? Amuse-
ment is very diverting, but instruction does you a deal of good.
Guess the latter if you are wise and not otherwise. Come hither and'
let the Local School Board slide. Let HUXLuy reduce himself to.
protoplasm, and HrEPwoRTH DIXON go to Mormpnize at the Salt Iake..
Just look at me. I can teach you almost as much as I know myself, if'
your brains are big enough to hold it. Not quite as much, mind'; if T
had an equal in the world I should feel it my duty to go somewhere
else. Arc any of the other planets open to a course of lectures ?.
Nonsense-I am only joking. Let me throw off the mask. Bother,
instruction; I hate the very sound of the word. Be it rather mine to
amuse the'rising and the risen and the setting generations. I will be'
'witty' and humorous. Bring me a dozen writers of burlesques and' Ii
willipunythem black in the face. Put me in spirits And I am the most!
coxinalidog you ever heard in your life. Here goes.
flbw is this? Oh agony-! My space is exhausted. Editor, dari,
Editor, give me ten.lines in the name of Momus.
lurron (ptildly butfirmly); lot a syllable!
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, NIb. 23S.,
DANCE, Voter, Dance!
Neither landlord's countenance,
Nor a tempting cash,-advance,
Shall by any-sort of chance
Hinder vote's deliverance!-
So dance, Voter, dance!
1. "Sing again! Encore'!o Encore Y!"
.Englishmen excited roar:;
But-I never yet' have leard
How they came to useithat word
WMi 4t V_ h b
HE who overthinks, thiMT-to no purpose. Here have I been sitting 21I shiver and shake;
meditatively for more than'AStyminutes before a sheet of paper which I quiver and quake!
bears upon its baby brow the round and top of intellectual sovereignty With many aapasm and with many an ache.
in the shape of that sublime but solitary dissyllable Dawdlings." The cold and the damp,
During that period I have dipped a new pen into new ink frequently, '-They give me a cramp.;.
and my eye has rolled several times in a fine frenzy. These two facts For I have a disease ofithe very wort-dtamp.
will be enough to convince an unbelieving public that I am quite up 3. I should like to be a man
to the mark in the purely mechanical part of my business. Butftho Very wealthy, if you please,
spiritual portion has turned out one too many for me. I have dis- Just returned from Hindostan
covered such a host of1 subjects that I' have discovered none at all. With treasuryr inarupees
Perception is playing at blind man's buff with innumerable topics.
The chambersof my busy brain are full of them; but perception- 4, Ma. 'Tomrea disapproves, .
staggering from one to another with a white handkerchief over its eyes Clearly, of their knowing moves,
-can only brush their skirts rapidly and vaguely, without the power An&dmakes speeches stern about them.
of seizing and appropriating them altogether. Ah! But could we do without them ?'
The paragraph just' comtpleted- and' how lucl y for' author, printer, .... ,
editor, purchaser,.and readerth!t it.is completed- cost'e a quarter of 5. Witih fe fatw, fum!
an hour. Great thinkers often shine more brilliantly-in- conversation The giantsqused.to come:
than in print. This trivial'gossiping in.black.and'white wears'me out, -But.nowaday their mighty mind ,
horribly both in body and mind. yet I talked for some time like a Is canunbally disinclined.
combination of CicRno and COLRmDGE= before this palby'ofpen'anu 6. Ctackety, liokety,, click.!
inkfell upon me, and' I'have taken this morning, a constitutional stroll Tacket-. i..ket tIL.k!
of something over six milbs. I have seen it 'stated (in' a memoirof rh.' shuttles go
WonuMwoe r, I believe) that a long walk-renders the-eye peculiarly So merrily, oh!'
brilliant. Let me get up and looking' the glass. Perfeetlytrue;--my When-flngers are skilfUl and quick.-
own eye is peculiarly brilliant.' Six miles have dbime the triok
effectually. But my mind's eye, so radiant and so piercing as a rule, SoLuYION or, ACRosTIC No. 228.-B.ruit Spoilt BhFs(,Rip, ,Ugent,
isjust now -as dull as any water out' of any ditch. The external acci- Illuminati, Twibil,.Sweetmeat.
dent is an optical illusion. SoULovrN or AcaosTio, No. 228; RECEImvE JULy 26.-None otrei. .
Would you believe it'? The simple act of getting up tolook -at my -
eye in the glass-which, by the' bye; is the only way in' which a man
can look at his eye--has diverted my attention, deranged my ideas, Not a b l' try :
obliterated my sense of duty towards my editor, and given me a fierce
and feverish craving for bitter ale. I am off my hinges for at least In these days of sensational paragraphs, we welcome the guarded
five minutes. My attention may once mprebbo me concentrated-my and temperate language of thefbllowingtittem:--
ideas may return with redoubled force-my instinct of respect for At the Thames police-court, John Vincent,, a, woodcutter, was committed for
editors generally and one in particular mayrcome back to me untar- trial, charged with stabbingb flvemeen'with wh'omitht' iad'ried to pirtoat. quatel
nished-but when the passion for bitter. ale has .once taken root in the On the whole we think a gentleman who stkab five men' b'nibtf been
human breast I altogether unsuccessful', if not in "picking, a qparrel"'"at e'16std ii
I have irrigated my thorax and am consequently better, much coming.tothe pointin dispute."'
better. Still it is painful to think that Resolution and Industry are :'
at the mercy of such a, petty incident' as a glance in the adjacent
mirror. By clinging with energy to the task before me-by recording arn .versus bat ..
the'marvellous operation ofL a splendid'and unique intellect-I might Tss. Commissioner of, Works set hisface agaEnlt .tr amwav Uiii
have earned an eternity of name and a sufficient quantity of the. his, objection.to the -stteet-(t)ram. arise, from the fact that be i-l pgr
needful to make abject poverty an improbability (if not an impossi- headed?
ability) for the nerb eigfht-Ptd4o rty'hourKt Ah. me! This is indeed ..
bitter. (Prinks.) It is-indeed. (Drinks again.) INTEINArTIONAL RIDDLE, Yv MACAULAYT'Bl W EALANDER.-After
Now, reader, look out; I mean to dawdle with a vengeance.. My taking one Mauri stronghold' why had'thwtrtopso.iioi&oulty.ii Cap-
diffidence has entirely left me, and I am again my own amusing and' taurig the reminfider f-Because-ce n'estq eI -phnier,ittlq etbe.
AvOtsr 8, '171.] 59
SAGE STUFFING- BOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
E don't one bit believe in the ancient'fable of Per-
seus and Andromeda, not one bit, that is, not in
the Andromeda part of it, but in every form of
Purse-use we put our faith most greedily and
thoroughly, for-dpropos of sea-monsters, &c.-
we unhesitatingly affirm that life is like a lobster,
naturally dark and black, and only couleur de
S rosy-red when one is rich enough to put
-I, se~,ot on!
And yet, 0 Are*asumed .treader, the man who thinks of nothing but
m .n. y, :and lees- ~~luStus plut&t than he fears Pluto, whose idea of
ranging dear- is Aeplieid only to the money market, whose way
a spelling ci'te if he ever heard that foreign word is
s. H. A. n. E., who is ascetic in every passion but the passion for
assets, who donet. 1biik anything you possess equals that which is
" mine," whoeeares far no races but -The Ledger and The Guineas,
and inninul prefers good "paper" to Good-wood, whose favorite
scents are- pi'cents, iand : ess : bouquet, whose favourite dish is-
semherdy els't'site de veau if A, la finaneiere, whose favourite play is
Si,!s ,", whoi can wallow the heaviest dot without having any in-
wdigiwb ia- emrs.of property than propriety, more of manors
than manners, more of a merely mercantile geod buy than the friend-
liest how d'ye do, more of oeths-child than his own perhaps, may pos-
sibly enjoy" every luxury the world can give, but we doubt partisu-
larly, most particularly, if he ever thoroughly enjoys-the greatest
blessing man can enjoy.......himself!
In speculating, a great many -meniuo in so utterly, so recklessly, so
overheadandearsedly, for the "'' "ttht. the necessity of taking care
of' the s gets quite. Brgotten, and that :is probably why, so very
frequently, specuiatingeeeimes simply -- peculating !
.If it.were not for dhe~ ara of-of-beingveaught doing naughties,
what a PandemoniuaRitlhis iivilised Christian world would be. 0 if
what is now Naughty -bat, ise were :.y........ Religion, what a
religious really joyous 'lot ,A~l-'y felleras' a, iWaecome, and Jingo!
the new churches that wasilbdhve to hte;dmiU!i'! and wouldn't the
subscriptions-just flow, guie,ariutaiin! I!'! Ahtrather. .And yet after
all, don't youn n pea1e do uay; pray-aegreat deal; an.immense
deal. ......... but,iieian onemanother. For ctJhatdh ae teujours
pilta !' "L ausI, Deo imper''T-yes, indeed; tlit we nuatine -that most
peoplenoe fly .write it'thisible e.asae, b- pxtper-Qso -to worship
it...... abbreviated ~Ia-eereviastl lida ansposed; 'with
them it is no Lausa 9 fmep-nor L. D.JSkst .... s. d.
We are informed that "Miss de Testable, a lady, remarkable, not so
much for her en hio point -as .' enbone point, "gives herself great
airs and graces." Ah! when we were presented to her the other
evening we .saw the .sins-and between ourselves, the traces of
the hare's foot-but we utterly failed in perceiving a single one of tho
graces, nevertheless the worship of Mammon (and she camo into a
jolly lot of it theather day when old Do Testable died) mates young
Kensyngtone(GerdranoQf the Fusileers throw himself rapturously into
that now latest obsdkiae position before her, its priestess .(which
we regret to say no"other worship has made him take since the
days he used to try-andahirk chapel at Eton) and then...... gammon
her; for, like "eXperienced 2,estor in pursuasion skilled" who, you
may possibly remenibe" 1,wAnas/wpeat as honey from his lips dis-
tilled," he is good at ,lkimg,:u4swhat is more, she believes him I !
poooar stoopiVF weaklfd wpwawi ho believes him! She believes he
adores her,.and.an...t...ha 9mon.
Well, ol,, after dll there isa~ueeoonsolation inbeing -pauper; then
at any rate, when one .lcwarelnegets loved for one'a:sdif, and not for
one's pelf; then one gets adored for man's propria persona, and not
because, simply because, one s ...... a purse-owner.
Bah! reader, we must be permitted to observe enthusiastically -
Bah! We talk about steam power, and wind power, and water
power, and fire power, the power of Love and a power of other
things, but, of all, ALL the motive powers, what power is there which
would have got Kensyngtono .Gardenne on to his l'nee before this
hideous deaf old idiot except .. ;. the power of MONEY I
0 dear us, Auri sacra whatsitsname, quid mon mortalia peotora
.ERing the 'W4.
A cONTO4POama a i~uss the following:astonishing'information:-
The Comminissinatrofosewers8of thelet t olAdoAiavBte4lined to take over a
portion of pavingin 'Jinhard-atreet, on:Account .A ri4".pas'ently unendurable
character, this ebjlultieabelag based onanBor1gtiuA th4eity surveyor.
The pavement'in4adtioisa-asphalte, and wecan wCll remember that
the old-fashionaid aaphdto of twenty years go did make itself offea-
,sive in hot weather; ,but even to that it wolmt be too severe to apply
the term unendurable." Possibly the meaning of theapassago is that
as the pavement would need a constant pitching-in, it is not of an
A PROVINmIAL contemporary speaking of.iatemr flreoal:-
It originated in anoystersId supper, kept byrMr. Mrtin, whiolawas rutted.
For fear mistaken sympathy should be feltdorthe.oysterar tlansuppor
-or anybody--on accmunt of the.,paimfll charatW of the copation,
we may add that '1y an oversight the -wrd "asabliihmenk" was
omitted after suppW"
'W setdUs pUll in that.
WHEN the worlds gdi-adienied to a maI fllagwns b1fi'little AK
the silver, what woaihr tli. he sholiu pek a a e8im ut of-theh
"L.L." possesses a-marvellous pofheen-cy in setting he tongue
FUN. (AUGUST 5, 187]
PICTURES NOT OBSERVED AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
Pax in Terra. Behind the times.
" Distance lens enchantment to the View."
A German banned.
FIU'TjT.-AuGST 5, 1871.
WILLIAM THE WIRTUOUS, AND THE BOLD BAD
Baron:-" A BLOW! HA, HA! BUT NO MATTER, MY TIME WILL COME!"
AUGUST 5, 1871.J
A SEASIDE SECRET.
IT was at Margate last year that the following facts occurred. I
had just remembered that my twenty minutes in the sea were up, and
had one foot on the bathing machine steps with the intention of
ascending, when I was alarmed by the extraordinary conduct of an
elderly gentleman appertaining to the next machine. A sudden and
fearful thought seemed to have struck him-he gazed madly into his
machine, and then, with a wail of despair, plunged his head once more
into the briny ocean. Touched to the heart by the exhibition of such
sudden and harrowing grief I ventured to approach the sufferer and
proffer consolation. He turned upon me his blood-shot and haggard
eyes and, clasping his hands, murmured, Lend me one of yours! "
Be had forgotten to provide himself with towels. Then! oh then I
discovered that (by a highly improbable coincidence) I also had for-
gotten mine! Amid mutual tears, we retired to our respective
machines and conversed through the windows until we were dry.
From that moment we loved! We met outside upon the beach,
arrayed, and linked our arms and strolled away conversing. He was
a mild, warm-hearted, affectionate man. How many times he im-
pressed this upon me! Word by word, he laid before me, in the most
eloquent phrases, his beautiful and unselfish kindness of disposition,
his liberal-mindedness and his charity. I am sure he was sincere-he
said so. After a time, encouraged by my smile of approval, he un-
folded to me a design he had formed entirely forgetful of self, for
conferring a benefit upon mankind, and especially upon his fellow
His words were these: I have observed," he said, with ever-in-
creasing, pain the insatiable acquisitiveness of our landlady's cat in the
matter of the tea, sugar and candles of my fellow lodgers, but it is, I
fear, an evil which can only be overcome by the utmost self-abnegation
and care. I propose to make myself a martyr to this cause. I
propose to bring the aforesaid comestibles of my fellow sufferers into my
possession, and to replace in each one's sideboard, each day, only so
much as will serve to supply his or her wants for the day. I shall
thus obviate the possibility of undue abstraction by the cat, while that
animal would, I am convinced, be brought to view' her conduct in the
right light. The first thing isto provide myself with skeleton keys and
obtain possession of the articles; for this must be done secretly and
entirely without the knowledge of those whom I propose to befriend
-such being the delicacy and modesty of my character that for them
to'know me as their benefactor would pain me deeply." In vain I
endeavoured to persuade him to divulge his plan of kindness to the
intended benefiters by it-to convince him that a nature grand and
beautiful as his should be held up as a light to mankind-No! His
modest heart shrank from exposure, and at length I promised that I
would observe his secret. With tears of gratitude in his eyes, he
pressed my hand, and besought me to take to myself the credit of his
beneficent action, but this I declined to do.
Erelong a joyful surprise awaited me-we lodged in the same
house. Of course I entered heart and soul into his little plan. The
keys were soon obtained, and within a day all the available eatables
of the lodgers were in my friend's possession.-and his noble work of
charity and love was begun. He offered several times to extend his
kindness to me, but I could not persuade, myself to so far trespass on
his good nature: however, the next morning my tea and sugar had
gone like the rest, and I knew that he had determined to superintend
my welfare, in spite of my perhaps over-solicitous scruples. The
lodgers complained bitterly, unaware of the kind and gentle spirit
that was labouring for their good on that humble second floor. A
week passed away. and there were- no signs of the daily allowances
being replaced. I ventured to mention this subject to my. dear friend,
confident that he had some hidden and yet more benign purpose in
thus delaying his proceedings, and his manner confirmed my conclu-
sions, for he wink ed and smiled modestly.
So I was content, and ordered .in fresh provisions, as did the others,
and the next morning these also were in the hands of our, benevolent
It was in vain that I suggested to him that I should like my daily
allowance-no there was a wise purpose in his eye, and I was satisfied.
The other lodgers were anything but satisfied; there was a terrible
confusion and uproar in the house, and the landlady was the object of
much recrimination. Again I appealed to him to make his kind inten-
tions known' to the benefited ones-he said he couldn't think of it,
and hinted that he had given them some idea of my being their guar-
dian angel; he would not hear of my declining the honour, and with a
heart too full for utterance I could but press his hand with gratitude
Again were provisions ordered in and again they disappeared, and
this time the lodgers-still, alas! blind to the benign power that wal
doing so much. for them--vociferously declared that I had been
robbing them for the last three weeks, and demanded their property
instantly. Beginning to think this was becoming serious, I resolved
to prevail upon my friend to explain hislittle plan to them, knocked
at his door, and discovered that he had departed the night before
Completely puzzled as to his reason for such unexpected conduct
but certain that it was only another step necessary to the successful
carrying out of his scheme, I lost no time in packing my bag and
quietly leaving the house by the back door, fearing that the ignorance
and obduracy of the lodgers and the landlady would lead them to
commit acts which, when my friend's plan should be ultimately
unfolded to them, they would regret. Strange to say I have heard
nothing more of my friend up to this time, but there can be little
doubt that long ere this the glorious self-sacrifice of his charitable deed
has become widely known and universally appreciated.
THE TEARFUL ONE.
I WEEP I weep !-I know not why !
My handkerchief is never dry;
My cheek is ever wet.
My tears will aye unbidden run
Whene'er I chance upon a pun
Or mirthful canzonet.
I feel my nose is very red,
Because such briny showers I shed :-
And still, I weep-I weep !
In vain I strive my tears to stop
For aye they drop-and drop-and drop-
And still will dropping keep.
And if you press me for the cause
That makes these tears without a pause
Adown my cheeks to trickle,
It is-if I the truth reveal-
Perchance because of what I peel-
I doat on onion-pickle!
A cORtErSPONDENT draws our attention to this paragraph:-
The atmosphere is said to be so dry at Cordova, in the Argentine Republic, that a
bowl of milk left uncovered in the morning is dry at night, while ink vanishes from'
the inkstand and becomes thick almost by magic.
"How," he asks can the ink vanish from the inkstand, and yet
become thick at the same time ? Well, it might be black ink, and
become a darkness that is felt;-or it may vanish from the inkstand
because it is used to write books as dry as the climate, in which case
the thickness is quite intelligible. If these solutions of the ink won't
suit our correspondent, the best. thing he can do is to go to-the
Detection or Protection.
TiE Pall Mall Gazette'statod the other day that it is'
Informed that the Lords of theAdmiralty have placed a detective at the entrance
of their ball, who allows no one to enter until his name is ascertained and the
object he has in view, which information is written down in a book, and at. the
close of the day is conveyed to ite Chief Clerk.
Just as JoHN BULL was rubbing his hands, over this, and thinking it
was meant as a check on the prodigal waste and disappearance of
money, laid to the charge of the Admiralty, it occurred to him that
the supervision is arranged to hinder entrance only, and not to
prevent out-goings. In fact, the precautions are meant to exclude
"newspaper fellows, who want to know, you know."
WE loarn from the Yew York Medical Journal that at a meeting of
the County Medical Society :-
Dr. Benjamin Howard'presented a case in which he had practised grafting with
success for the healing ofan extensive ulcer of seven years' standing, the result of'
Sa grape-shot which carried away the calf of the leg.
Would it not be moro'accurat to describe such a wound in.the leg as
of seven years' reclining ?
In the Washing Line.
W Y is the Lowuis tartan certain to wash well P-Because it is.in-
tended for the LoaNE-dress!
[We print this; at the request of his mourning relatives, as-the lash
literary effort of a gentleman deceased. He had only just perpetrated
it when he came unexpectedly into collision with our office poher. The
verdict was "Justifiable homicide,' and the poker is only slightly
Beat that, Mr. Home I
Two thirst travellers entered the parlour of a country. tawnaraad
filled and Teplenished their.glasses by-" tapping jhe table I" .
[AUGUST 5, 1871.
DISCURSIVE REFLECTIONS ON BIVALVES.
Or all the birds that ever flew give me the oyster for preference.
There is no other quadruped like him! Raw he is rapturous. Scal-
loped he is goloptious! And the Ides of March are here-that is to
say August has begun and the season opens for oysters, and the
oysters open for seasoning!
And yet he was a bold man who first tasted the mollusc. There is
a portrait of him at PiMm's, where his descendant (the family likeness
is indisputable) manages the business with the same unflinching zeal
which actuated his illustrious ancestor to taste that first oyster.
Every kind of fish that swims
Naturally comes to Pimm's"-
So says the poet; and for once the poet is not a fibber, and draws not
the long bow of Phibbus. For every kind of fish-including lobsters,
which SIR JOHN LnBBOCK says is no more a fish than a whale is-will
be found at that ancient eating-house. But the oyster after all is the
best of fish, although he also is no more a fish than a whale is SIR
JoHn LBBnoCa. (There is a confusion in that last sentence some-
where. But what matter! Uncork another lobster!)
Pommery and Greno are very nice fish-I mean fizz, but let it stand
as written! The man who cannot see the difference between the fizz
that swims and the fish that pops-or vice versa, mutatis mutandis and
all that sort of thing-ought to be 'shamed of himself !
Oh, ah! So it was-oysters! I admit that strictly speaking
oysters are not champagne. But you can take champagne with your
oysters if you like. Sir! the liberty of the subject is not to be lightly
tampered with, and I ask why my ancestors fell on Marston Moor and
their ancestors assembled at Runnymead, if I may not take champagne
with my oysters if I like. By the shade of the immortal PIMM (he
had something to do with freedom and all that sort of thing- was an
M. P.--mx-I fancy. Look it up when I get home) but by the shade
of the illustrious PIMM, I repeat. Let's see what was I saying? Oh,
Oysters! or was it Lobsters i They are both jolly good fellows.
Move en! Why should I move on ? I defy you, myrmidon. If a
gentleman cannot pause in the Poultry to watch such an unusual
phenomenon as the asphalte- pavement rolling like the billows of
ocean, why did my lobstoysters fight with Runnymead at Marston
Moor P Illustrious Pi -freedom of subject. All ri'!
On a late Speech in the Commons.
(Ballot Debate, .TIy 24, 1871.)
CHILDETN who are born at sea
Chargeable are said to be
Unto the parish of Step-ne ;
But those M.P.'s
Who for their ease
Get but half-seas-
Over, when they rise to cheer the Ballot Bill up
Belong, so I should say, to the parish of St. FILL-rP.
WE sincerely trust that medical men who adopt the new system of
grafting skin and tissues on wounds will exercise the greatest care in
selecting persons from whom the grafts are to be taken. We under-
stand that a gentleman was only the other day seized with an
invincible craving to kick a person, who was a stranger to him, but
who had undergone grafting from a philanthropist, by whom the first-
named gentleman had been recently swindled.
A Kew-rious Distinction.
DEFIN the distinction between a sixpenny Income Tax-don't
groan-and a trip up the river to a favourite place of resort.
One's an In-cu-bus,-the other is in a Kewboat.
'A Guilty Conscience needs no Accuser.
A REGULAR contributor-to our waste-paper basket asks, Where
should an incorrigible punster be confined ?-In a pun-it-entiary.
WHAT steamship should afford one a trip for nothing P-The Gratis-
turn, of course.
A GOLDEN LEGEND.
HARD by a hospital-so legends tell- once on a time a duck there
chanced to dwell. There, where no care nor want could e'er intrude,
she laid her eggs, and reared her quacking brood. There would
obsequious attendants dress, to charm her appetite, the savoury mess;
there, after showers, the nutritious worm upon the grass-plat tempt-
ingly would squirm, or devious beetles, wandering at will, find a
sarcophagus within her bill.
Year after year her way that duck pursued, laid the dusk egg, and
hatched the yellow brood, swam in the pond, and scrabbled in the
dust, of spotless.fame, of honoured life and just. The cock-galina,
a most desperate rake, would often compliment her spouse the drake,
and Tow how much he envied him his luck in the possession of that
virtuous duck Nay, e'en' the peacock on occasion would admit that,
though not beauteous, she.was good; so much did probity with him
prevail who bore the eyes of Europe in his tail!
Alas, that it should be my fate to tell how from its high estate such
virtue fell: how o'er that hapleessand devoted form descended ruin in
a fatal storm.
In the yard wall where towards the street it faced an iron box had
been securely placed, with open mouth-that *bid the passer stop and for
the charity a trifle drop, this fionted-to the road-..I ought to states
withiitith-, yard-was but a metdilplate, close -besid which,,as -oft of'
late wasiseenj ifechief resort of that f.fiF'lulckiad-beene .
W 6l3 'nime wat on, until, as was her'warashe.h b uit hemanew-
hatehso&lrprgeny 't day. Ah, then what wenddr e'.er fe-peiiry stole,
what p nignatiLanguish pierced the drake's ad beoul! No shovel bills
his anxiousgla ices meet, no trace of spreadiing:web, upon their feet.
Scandal aiwoK h the. feathered crowd -among,.. and Humour in: sly
cornerswgged'hertongue; wbie twixt the-drabe and his once tEusted
wife weretween the tokens of domestic strife; Nor long, in secret the
sore quMiedlslept, but all the horror into public leapt, as day by day
the -heed&les small ones grow more like gallinas less, like ducklings
true. Art length the amse-cod'-he was hIbht Penzance-was called
.up. to lioarthe drake advance his reasons: for demanding.a decree
,hatrebrhis wife fhom him divorced should'.be.
Aibd here, t. gp.: our daily press a hint; Divorce reports I must
decline to print; the horrid details with unwholesome spice T omit,
and for the nasty give the nisi. Forth from the court the hapless:
duck was thrust, disgraced, abandoned, humbled to the dust.
Not long did she survive the dreadful day, and, when she on the
straw expiring lay, thus to a charitable hen she told how all her
sorrow had been due to gold:-" Alas, one day as by the wall I'sought-
to feed my ducklings as a mother ought, across the bricks T saw a
beetle hie to seel; a refuge from my hungry eye. In vain!-I followed
swiftly on his track and drew him struggling from a sheltering crack.
Beneath the iron-box this crack had been left by the mortar falling
from between; and when my bill I in the crevice thrust, I broke
unwittingly the flakes of rust, and through the treacherous plate's
unheeded flaw I chanced a golden coin, alas, to draw. From that sad
hour and that mischance I date my recent downfall and my present
fate. I sought the treasure-chest day after day and bore another
glittering prize away; ah, hateful money of my death the cause, that
wrings my conscience and my gizzard gnaws! "
With that she gave one quack and left this sphere, and thus the
mystery was at last made clear. She had the coins feloniously
attached, and thus it was that guinea fowls she hatched. And here's
a Moral while the theme I am on-" Beware how you devote yourself
TiE Food Journal, in an article on Indian tea, says :-
Previously to tea cultivation in this district, many thousands of the native
labouring population had been in the habit of migrating annually to the rice fields
ofAkyab. where they assisted the Mugs for from six to nine months of the year.
1Now that tma gardens have been established, the coolies naturally prefer to remain
at home and work for the garden owners.
How delighted the Teetotallers must be to find that "lo, the poor
Indian" is forswearing the mug and going in for the cup that
cheers," &c, and consequently becoming more domesticated.
Nothing so very rare !
AN American paper mentions as an astounding fact that-
Rochester has a-rold fish with two tails.
HIit-were a tail with two gold fish we might be startled. Meantime
let us complete the list of other marvellous things which are possessed
by Rochester, U.S.-a horse with four legs, a eat with two ears, a
canary with one beak, and strangest of all-a donkey on -two legs,
who writes natural history paragraphs.
TROUBLED WATEs,-Just now, soda, seltzer, and potass.
A SAD STORY.
Atovo a savage clan
Of canibalish people,
Set up his modest steeple.
And there each day he would
Pursue his noble labours,
He told them to be good.
And bade them love their neighbours.
The cannibals, with grins,
Gave ear to themes he treated,.
They crossed their tawny shins,;
And on their hams were seated.
And yet they wore not lost.
That missionary's labours.
He taught them to his cost
The way to love their neighboursa,
For one day, when for prayers
Thosewcannibals they mot himsi
They caughtaim unawares-
They MkI him and they ate him!
They said thy found him good-
Hd'd practised what he taught them --
And low thy,:understood
Thoegolodess he had brought them.
And-aesthehy'd filled each maw,
They seit, while they deplored him,
They'd:loved him -live and raw-
But, roasted,:they adored him! "
"Tiking the Wind out oSf ei Sails.
Masli-the extravagance of the yachtsman ;-he wants a fresh"
breeze for every race.
A, I, Sir!
Tae island of Rua has been devasted by a tremendous volcanic
eruption. The Rua nation is in a state of ruination.
'Tis an Ill Wind.
THi letters of last Jane-ius :-N.E., or to be strictly correct, N.E.
THE Uxco GUIu.-One who tips his nephew, returning to school, a
usfasgX to aMoyrrapnuts.
[We cannot return unaccepted MS8. or Sketches, unless they are ascen-
panied bv a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
W. W. (Brighton) forwards a joke for publication if we seefit." We
don't re-" see-fit.' Declined with thanks.
JoE.-Why this modesty in concealing your surname F We can see at
once by the jokes you send, that you have your ancestor the great Miller's
works at your fingers' ends.
H-EADHITTER.-If yoa were here you would find. two can play at that
SMALL-BbEa.-We cannot print the par, but in our opinion "'shooting
off ties" is dangerous neck-or-'aolhing sort of practice.
G. (Norwood)--Your riddle-" what's the difference between an angry
cat:and an Angora Cat P There is an .(n)o difference "- is ingenious but
incorr ect. There is (to;answor a thingumbob according to his whatyon-
mayeallitj a difference besides that.
Ma. B.-Sir, you are a wag of Wagga Wagga, and of the waggiest type
of Wagga Wagga! Go away! lest we teach you something about Whop-
P A. G. B. (Notting Hill).-We always liked that riddle. But we cannot
print it; even to oblige you.
Declined with'thanks :-M. 0., Alfred Place; P. B., Poercytreet;
3, J. BH'.; H., Maida Hill; T. J. G., Dumfriesshire; 0., Wilton Crescent;
F., Thames-street; Annotator: Anxious Inquirer; Grace erude;
Hitchen Corps; T, E. A., Sheffield; A.B. D.; Theo; P; R.R., Tonbridge
Wells; Occasional Reader; E. M. 8, Holborn; P.. .Seethin-lane; J. C.,
Glasgow; J. L., Wapping; Petraroh, Taunton; H. J., Brighton; P. 8
Exeter.; Curio; Comious; D. M., Ardishaig; '. 8., Camden road; IL H.,
Exeter; Linda; F. W., Leadenhall-street; Sineo Kerr.
AuousT 5, 1871.]
66 FU N [AUGUST 5, 1871.
WHICH,. IS WHICH?
Mistret':-" COOK, DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU CAME HOME LAST NIGHT YOU WBRE VERY INTOXICATED ?"
Cook:-" WHY, LOB, MUM, YOU WOS OUT TBISELF LAST NIGHT TOO-DON'T YER THINK AS IT WAS YOU AS WAS 'A LITTLE BIT
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
LoRDs throw out Army Bill. GLADSTONE trumps with a Royal
Warrant. Lords in their turn thrown out very much! =] Deputation
of Shrieking Sisterhood to Mn. BRUCE as to a Bill they should know
nothing about. It is not true that they pulled his hair and scratched
him. They only.drove him into a .corner and kicked him.= Dis-
turbances at Greenwich, and Poox burnt in effigy. Demonstration
- would have been better directed against our law of evidence azd mode
.f. .conducting prosecutions.= &GAMBETTA comes to grief in the
Assembly. Our sympathy is entirely with the Ass-. = Algeria
itsutrects still. Sportsmien, please note unseasonable shooting on the
Moors! = Agreement as to Tichborne case that it shall proceed in
spite of possible inability of Chief Justice to preside or incapacity of
Jurymen to serve." Sorry to see that the incapacity of C. J. is not
included. = GABnAIBLDx is unwell and confined to a Bath chair. If he
could be confined to a Bath chair without being ill, he would be the
better for it. = Sm ROBERT CARDs N refused application for a summons
for perjury against the. Poo case police. But that's not all! SI
ROBERT made some observations on the case, and hoped he had come
to a right decision! = Ministerial Dead-lock in Spain. No wonder;
Spain itself is a chronic dead-lock. King ought to hang this Cortes
and ring for a fresh one. = Committee on Protection of Infant
Life" recommends measures to shut up Baby Farms. Of course the
Shrieking Sisterhood will oppose this shameful interference with the
liberty of the subject.
. A Pine Distinction.
A CONTEzPOr ARY states that:- '
A gentleman living at Bangor, was fined 100 at the Carnarvoshire quarter
ssssima on Friday, for sending by rail two cases of nitro-glycerine which were
invoiced as school slates. Defen plant was the owner of the nitro-glycerine which
on that very day two years exploded at Cwmglo with such terrible results.
We think his school slates should have been turned to account to,
teach him a more severe lesson than he received. A man who risks
blowing up so many others should get a good slating himself.
NOT one numismatist in a hundred could name the most valuable
coin in England-it is, of course, the Kohin-oor. .
WHAT is lovely woman's favourite line in the dictionary ?-The last
P NA I A most valuable
PAIN K 1 family Medicine.
I K. I L L- R 1AND EXTERNAL USE.
Rev. WILLIAM WARD, of the Assam Mission. says, I have Constantly used and 1 "It is a medildde no Family should be without."--Jontreal Pilot.
disps need it for the last 20 yeas with success." It is peculiarly adapted to the accidents and illnesses that occur among children
Rev. Mr. VAN MArTy ayst, "I believe it saved my life while in Rome, last I and servants.' -EDITO New YFork Examiner.
summer, wheie I bad a severe attack of cholera." "It is anever-failing care for oiarrhea."-British Sentinel.
Price la. Idi., 2s. 9d., 4s 6d., and 1U. per bottle. Depot-17, Southampton Row, London, W.C.
PrLted by JUDD & CO.,'Pheenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Oommons, and Published (for the Proprietor)i at 80 Fleet-street B.C.-London: August 5, 1871.,
AversTT 12, 1871.] .
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS ;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
fi7^--]- n EADER, we have
-already told you that
-- we consider it lucky,
~Z peculiarly lucky, for
_- their own sakes, and
their owners, that
pet dogs have no
di pee to, can not talk,
and that they can
not make a lapsus
lingua in any other
than their present
method: we repeat
it; we are glad that
it is so; that your
Old Dog Tray" is a
dumb waiter, and not
a tale bearer in two
senses, or goodness
-e e only knows in what
S colours poor Tray
might not poor-Tray
you to your wife
--_ when you got home;
or goodness only
knows what fearful
suspicions he might
not inrdogtraynate into her gentle bosom if he were not tongue-
tied! we rejoice that your pointers can not point you, that your
hounds can not, indiscreetly, give tongue, that your 'toy ter-
riers can not turn out terrier-bull toys, and that you may pooh
pooh poodles et setter-ra in security, without having, either to get
them stolen on purpose, or to carry a whacking warning whip, to make
them cave canem, beware of the cane, instead of yourself, BUT,
Beloved Reader, but, only imagine if there were not only Sermons
in Stones," but mouchard-ness in lath and plaster, only imagine if
Walls had tonguts as well as the ears they are said to possess, only
imagine it for one instant, what, what, WHAT, a lot of business
would have to be transacted in the open country ! !
He who listens through the wall
Of himself hears precious small :
Or in plain English, listeners never hear any good of themselves.
Quite so; and they don't often hear much good of anybody else either,
unless-N.B. unless-" anybody else" happens to be present.
We may as well here observe that if your Little pitchers" have
"great ears" it would perhaps be as well for you to break 'em at once
-'-- - of the habit of using them.
The proverb says, Providence sends us boiled pheasant with celery
sauce," or c6telettes d'agneau aux concombres or points d'asperge, or
suet pudding, or potatoes i la nature (or any other favourite dish)
and that MurEPHISTO sends cooks to spoil 'em! quite so; cooks are
stewpid, and do occasionally make unseasonable hashes of things, and
their minds are always going to pot, and their want of "savoir faire"
is immense, but that's not what we were going to say: we simply
want to give you a new reading of the old proverb, if you will kindly
for potatoes read policemen: thus . Providence sends us
Policemen and the D . Evil one, sends cooks to spoil 'em!
The height of im-probability: a man cook asking a policeman to
If too many cooks do spoil the broth, only imagine the learness of
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S clear soup! the mind refuses to grapple with any
such fearful vision: it puts one in a perspiration thinking of it.
Apropos of perspirations, Jones of Ark is the very hottest man you
ever met in your life: bet you anything you like he is: why he
sometimes absolutely-SMOKES !! Oh yes it's true ; we havo our-
self seen him positively smoking, although, Nota Bone, although
.. sitting up-to his chin 'n' water!!
We always used to be quite happy with a glass of dry Curagoa, or
a thimble-full of Maraschino after our ice pudding, but fashions alter,
and people have taken to giving one "Chartreuse" and its twin
bestiality Trappestine," so-as we dare say you like to be in the
fashion-we may as well give you a receipt for making those invigo-
rating preparations: save you ten bob a bottle at the least. Boat up
the yokes of 48 eggs until they pshaw, that's another proscription ;
this is it. Take one pint of the commonest whisky you can purchase,
half a 3s. 6d. bottle-you know, the little straw ones-of Eau do
Cologne, (needn't be genuine) a tea spoonful of oss bouquet, and-
after, putting in the above ingredients-fill up an imperial quart
bottle with methylated spirits of wine; shake up well, and add sugar
to suit the palate, and then take half a tumbler full of it after a roll-up
jam pudding made with treacle, and see what visions of bliss you will
get that night when you have "'sought your pillow"!I talk about
hatchis ; Pshaw hatchis can't hold a candle to it.
Try it and see: it's delishus!
'A COIN OF DISADVANTAGE.
TO THE EDITOR.
Smi,-I forget what measure was adopted by the Roman swell who
If I had an as
That would not pass,
Do you think, as to lose it I'd be so crass ?
But there are u lot of bad florins about just now, and I should like to
know what to do with one I innocently took and as innocently tried
to pass, but nearly came to "utter" grief. Yours, &c.,
[Are there no charity sermons, or subscription boxes in the metro-
polis, that this idiot must thrust his financial troubles upon us P ED.]
WHAT does this mean P
The Earl of Shaftesbury presided over an Influential meeting at Miss Failhfull's
office, with a veiw of starting, on a co-operative basis, an educational Institute, to
counteract one of the chief evils of the day-namely, the ignorance of our counlry-
women in all relating to household management.
We quite see that the ignorance alluded to is one of the chief evils of
the day ; but is it not to a great extent owing to the ridiculous attempts
of the Woman's Rights party, to which Miss FAITHFULL belongs ?
Crowing hens are not reckoned profitable poultry; and to ladies of the
Woman's Rights persuasion, the Vicar of Wakefield would have
uttered in vain his noted sarcasm-" That's a good girl, I find you are
perfectly qualified for making converts, and so, go, help your mother
to make the gooseberry pie!" They would be, if possible, less able to
make gooseberry pie than converts I
From Our Own Schoolboy.
THE Right Jamb to a-Door:-Apricot or Strawberry.
VOL. XIV. Tr
68s F TT 'c [AO-rusT 12, 1871.
.F1' OFFICE, Wednesday, Augost 9, 1871;
"BACK AGAIN "
T'oHER day Onean, BRADLAUIGH, and;Coo.
Resolved upon holding a.meeting
In the Square of Trafalgar, when, lo,,
The Home Office sent them a greeting-
"MK. Byucs," the policeman said, "thought
That the meeting was highly improper,
Sq he wished them to know-asa they ought-
To such doings he'd soon put a stopper."
These words of Battnc
Did not produce
The awe he'd wish at sight of him;
For valiant On--
En said the dodge
Wa&--just to meet in spite of him.
Bub a very few hours had expired
Since he uttered this fierce interdiction,
When, behold, he sent word he desired,
To withdraw all the former restriction.!
Dame BRITANNIA, who saw his distress,-
Laughed aloud BtRCE in trouble toi spy again;
And cried, Well, you are in a mess-
Why, you've been at that old Humble Pie again! "
Our BRUCE, our BRUCE
Is little use,
In'vain for sense one begs of him ;
He'll yelp and bay-
Then bolt. away,
With his tail between the le6s of him!
BarrITI grammar is a hard nud. for-outsiders to, tackle. They may
achieve the eight parts of speech according to, LIN s aY MURRAY, but
they are safe to get floored in the derivaive nouns Look at WAITER
MONTGOM'ERY. He is a very tolterabkle actor, he, reads the Bard like a
gentleman, and his figure induces the unprejudiced spectator to believe
that Hamlet was well fed at. Wittenburgh before he came back to
Elsinore. MB. W. M. has represented the injured Prince of Denmark
in most parts of the habitable globe, and has fallen a prey to erudite
criticisms in the press of Australia. On the subject of H-Inmlet's
madness whether actual or assumed-a fierce and fervid' controversy
has arisen in the fifth, quarter of the world. So far so good. Lot the
fifth quarter of the world fight out the question and make an end of
it. Australia, like England, is a free country-every Australian,
journalist or otherwise, can think and write as he pleases upon the
absorbing topic of W. M. But unfortunately, foirEngland, our W. M.
seems to have left a little of his native language at the Antipodes.
We respect MiN. MONTGOMERY, as we respect everybody who volunteers
for the forlorn hope of the, classical drama. But we really cannot
allow Mr. M. to traduce the British language by informing us, that
certain Australian criticisms were provoked by his "rendition" of
Hamlet. This dreadful word' will never do. Let it swim back to
Australia ; we cannot recognize it in- Great Britain and Ireland. MR.
AMONTGOMERY'may-play the, strict!line of drama till, he and the .public
are tired of it, but he may not play such tricks as this with .our dear
old national tongue.
I wrote the foregoing paragraph-and will you kindly observe the
sudden dropping, of the editorial., first: person plural ?-with; no mali-
oious intention whatever. It was intended simply-to' convey to London
and provincial editors the impression that I possess a power of keen
and sustained criticism far beyond my age (34 last birthday). I cannot
bear to speak ill of a fellow creature,-even anonymously. I am the
gentlest and most forgiving creature on the face of this earth.
But--if anybody-wilfully-or. accidentally-treads upon-the
tenderest corns-or feelings-of my-!
Let him look out; that's all!
No, that is not all; it is far from all: I have scarcely commenced
yet. Allbw me to introduce-my topib, to define my terms,.to state my
postulate, and to draw my deductions.--WiATELEY., H'm,! (Quota-
tion from. J. S. CLA RE'S Pangloss ,at the Strand Theatre, which
please video )
A szseONwenational characteristic of 'Bohemia-and I must confess
that. I km a good bit-of'a Bohemian-is the desire, to. run in.a diame,
trically- opposite- direction to the one, suggested by Duty. This
perversity, is especially powerful, in the profession, of the miscellaneous
writer. When he should be instructing the world with an epic poem
he feels an irresistible impulse to amuse it with a farce. Does his
publisher urgently requiro~a treatiso upon the, spread of pauperism-
he is all agog for penning the most elegai vera de socited. Is he
bound by all the laws of honour and interest to be particularly indus-
trious-he feels unwontedly idle and go-into-the-countryfied. Is
there an opening for some slight relaxation in his mighty and impor-
tant labours-he will stick to his desk after the manner of gumn-arabic.
Such are the inexplicable vagaries of great minds.
Last week I solemnly assured the myriad readers of this periodical
that in seven days I would be funny. The seven days have elapsed-
I have kept early hours, given up smoking, avoided spirits-and now
look at me. Do look at me, as a personal favour, could anybody. be
duller; do you think ?
I will e'cn take seven days more.
The Right of Translation Reserved."
THanE is at lea;t one inhabitant of Gaul who deserveswthe appella-
tion of Frank -in short, we may say, very outspoken; Ol5ire!
WANTED art ENGLISH GOYEIRNESS in France. No salary gkeen..-.al to
Mrs. Liborlr, etc.
We presume that in this-particular casaenothing a year paiq5ei5tarly
in advance -has an indisputable right to be described as ta ,L arel
salary. Probably it is: especially if no deductions. are -made'frfzm it
for board or washing. We almost begin to wish we,,weBe an:r-iglish
governess. We likewise almost don't, wish we were
THEsnE is no foundation for the report. that the 14ard6a dW1fPlfvss at
Paris possesses a fine specimen not only of the cedar of Lebanonr but
also of the Ceder of Paris.
MADE TO, SELL.,
Cstoarer --" I SAY-THIS' UMBREELA I BOUGHT' 'HERE' LAST WEEK ;
.IS ALL COMING- TO PIECES'"
Skopmqn:-" l1 INDEED, sin!- YOU MUST HAVE BBBW, TAKING IT
OUT AND GETTING IT WET, SIR, I THINK,! "
ArouS 12 L871i] JFU N 69
'MY a SPECIALL AND PECULIAR TONTINEE.
," WeaATisaftontine P
"'Bles:nme!yyio surely nan't be in earnest. Not know what .a
toAedia !s Why,' At's an 'institution where people--where, :in fact,
anything that's "to.b-done, you know, can be: done, and where -well
really, I canitexzatlyay for the moment whatit is. This I do know
though-it'sgot something to do with the liver."
Ais"the bearer of. an invitation to the AlranHmralIPalace, Muswell'
Hill, where a tentative, tenemental, and tortinental trial was to take
place, I was naturally anxious'to discover .soethingiabout the plan,
of'which I am loth to confess myselfshamefl1lyignorant. Therefore,
I listened, with great .interest to ,he -foregoing conversationm,-ihiih
occurred just as I entered the Palace; .andithetatteranees ,i ftthellatt
speaker completely settled myidoubts.
(1'Iy.impressions 'bf a tontine'were, that it 'vaaosmeldnibodfminnail
sprg or, chalybeate,with hot,-eold-and turldkh baths and shampooers
laid on at a momerit'rnotice, cleantiowels and brushes for each person,
where the proprietor wishes to return thanks to his friends and the
public .and begs to intimate that gentlemen can be attended at their
ownresidences, &c., &c., &c., so of course I was quite satisfied when I
heard it' decidedly settled.
?' And this," said I, as f gazed upon the spacious building, with its
beautiful brickwork and ironic columns, this is the Alexandra
Palace. And .that" (turning away) "is the Park." And I felt a
glow whilehiaedihave ended in my taking4eontinnatshares, if it had
not beenxbiar7theaactthat cash was reqiimredinneturnmfortf hem. True
it; is,*ounseeithat the smallest .obstalaes aill aften fintareart the
mightiest movements. "Circultingm'elim,'"lsolioquized,'"'thnu
art-my bane. Thou art, though,alsottheaitflite," I continuedadfter.
a short reflection, "and thereforeilrilmlaetpart--with.thee." A'nllIi
put up the twopence I was abort ttogBBmss toimayouth. o the fusealier
Pree-antly I heardthe sound of a gong,' aid remembering the-unrpose
for which I had entered the palace,and knowing: that the first means
towards keeping your liver in order is to have a lively remembrance of
your stomach, I followed my nose and the sound, and soon found
myself busy-dispersing the cold collection, and at this part of the pro-
ceedingsyy.onijllr. Editor, may depend you were fitly represented. I
regret toBsay,hvever, that I was in prowess far behind a gentleman
opposit;.twho'was in the fullest sense of the word a good liver, and
whose not need any improvement, by tontine or otherwise.
But -d ,dbeit, and left my mark on most of the dishes within
rvtheae bbudywas quite full, the speechmaking began. I did
ndtpVy mufit ttteltion to the speakers, being intent upon a calcula-
tion as-to whitaerttontines included perpetual good feeding, and if so,
at howtmuchra.'lirar; but'whenever I heard anyone:in 'the course of
his remarks' saystJffhing about livers, which was -prdtty:freqgantly, I
led the "1hearhms'g,'.'a!d thus made myself useful.
There is -a tbeanitffilergan under the dome, and several leading
members of ,te ttoiittine -bahd sang to its accompaniment. Among
bther'beautiffilmnaneiliesithat of "We won't go.chome'tillmanorning"
I 'expressed myojiiian in favour of the toentine as-an institution
favourable to the decrease of bile, and subsequently departed, glad to
have'n-opportunity of testifying to the adaptability of the building to
exhibition or art-union purposes ; and much pleased with the magnifi-
cent. park. Both are worthy of being maintained at the public
[We regret to-tate what must.have become patent to all readers of
the .flruibg lines, that our representative -has -proved utterly
unwthi iyoiff 'he trusttnc posedinlliim. His misapprdhension of the
wal isri erypeeaiar,ffor'thM agh.a tontine lass,'something to do
-withfliSa ser, it issfiththe.longestmot the mostenfilarged. :iTowever,
wem mmarilydidharged ',theman, ,and have ritrsedtto1payifor
hisms y.' There sis'ae-iseitimuzitrof ihis,tthough, ..to ,,*hichwe nust
subscribe -thatlbeingthexcordiabreaommeneilation ofthe'.&luswllllHill
,EAttheTontine. *W.eithustarrive- tthesame conclusionstbykdierent
rodes. But e'rllm'mairforgiveibimr--id.]
'la uY theiaia s a hre adof ts,iand:,yewe !find this,:in a
paper hailg fcom'thefnitedStates:-
;An Illinois man bas made'7000 gallons or rhubarb wine this spring, and the joke
is that he didn't have any rhubarb to do it with.
Why, in this "bust up, effete, old country thereare lots of ehterpris-i
tag patriots who make rhubarb wine, and have no rhubarb to make It'
with. Buttthejokeintheir caseis-thatthey.callUitchampagne!
* I have just been informed on authority that I-am mistaken, and that I, must
refer to the National anthem. Perhaps I wArwrong, but I did-not know the tunes
Were so similar.
BRITAIN took birth in the days of obscurity
Out of the azure and emnorald-nain:
Credit for beauty-for valour-jfor purity
Britain receives and may Britain retain.
Long let her flag be A 1 of our'tuniverse,
Long let it wave as at present-it-waves:-
Long let hersons .cry in solemn'but spongy-wsMe-
Britons will never-no, nev r be slaved!
Seas to the eastrof it, seas to the west of it,
Ditto to south' of it-aditto to north ;-
'Britain, who knows that she mvsc'gaetthe'best d it,
Challenges boldly her foes to come-forth.
Heroes have saved her, though heroes'have'qultted her.
NELSON and WELLINGTON lie in their graves.
Still she could raise the old cry, as befitted her,-
Britons will never-no, never-be slaves!
,Pooh! I must cut it. I cannot be national,
Chains upon ankle-and-fetters on wrist.
Jubilant songs are absurd- and irrational-
Freedom, Jihk eI am free to desist.
Bound to hisWl ttand paper diurnally,
One littlefEavonritho prisoned one craves;
Please touareusellinffrom singing eternally,
.BritonswnlhbmvAr-no, never-be slaves!
ccneneral, or Common."
ITis related by the American papers, which aro'never known to
deviate from the truth-for the same reason that the ?DOTnC oP
AIEDINBURGH'S elephant .did not fall out of Mit. GLAI-IiHE's balloon,
*viz: because he had 'never been there-it is, we repeat, stated -by'the
American papers that:-
A census-takei out west in the United States reports 8,000 colonels in his dltriet.
"There used to be more in that part of the country,".he says, but-alarge.eamber
of them have been raised to generals."
Arguing from generals rather than particulars, we should say that
there was a general lack of private soldiers in that district, and that in
consequence the Generals hardly-occupied a commanding position.
Whyltetr hetUnawis e.
MR. 'GEORGE FRANCIS TRAtN,.the fltar.- President of tho':United
States-with a great deal more ofitho dfuturo than of the President
about him--has been lecturing-attgoorlct-
He stated that whilst in France he'-thbadi'dtieul a plan of exterminating the
Prussians in four days., bit that at thearitieal moment Gambetta became Jealous
of him and threw him into prison, whereoan attempt was made to poison him.
Why didn't he exterminate his jailors with that wonderful 'invention
of his ? Why didn't he exterminate the Prussians, and thontthrow
himself on the gratitude of -France ? Why doesn't he convince us of
the practicability of his plan, by exterminating somebody with whom
everybody is bored ? ie might try the experiment when he umts
alone in the privacy of his own chamber.
THEB School Board s off for its holiday. The Nationdla:il"bK -
masters-are by thir-timo abroad; but notifor the first timeautei ry,iff
we magyjudgeff amm 'a quotation made by the School BoatMEsvmkmee
from thef ffic W lette:-
Withf.tte exceptinthat'no public-house istoitb uned, the pollla4seeW,ttgW
numberuntlooeultyp1se left with the returning 4Aliner, and of ti theiSitoMtfe
A LindleyfMrnrayn on such language! Since the'DBoard libitts 'an
tallking'instead of doing, we may at least ask -it to beogettklano4htto
talkEnglish. If a Board',which should be the fountainnhead'tillearn-
inmgproves itself a block-head, the duty of the public plane'!
THE Musioal Standard informs us that'"' A curious
formerly the property of the Italian composer PAXIe, h mrorinAttlyIbmen
sold at Milan." Glorious news that! This is indeed a tlinnntrfor
music-the Milan-ium of art is at hand.
We may add that we haven't the faintest idea what a cembalo is-
tbut, ha,,ha. 1-letrusdisscembalo!
Such a; getting-up I
A FRIEND who 'has- been shooting in the 'marshes, mys 'it is ve'
startlingg to meet with a tremendous flightof Stares out in-the opon!
' I I
Vt NICE ""AH .-E r s I 'r
ABOUT BINX AND THE BLUE-BOTTLE.
1 . remarked Binz, referring to the Blue-bottle. 6. It is his turn now- ries la Oasse-" Yoieks? also "Tally-ho I
devil id e of lto mix e the eadstth ees, ande. will cunningly .AMeey" rikes Binx Not at all," says the Blue-bottle.
di he e t w th le o es utot e tehe k e And asks a few friends to supper. What they had we do not know; but
5. No he doesn' t--he thrives upon the mutton. Binm has not been heard of since.
I iJlU T.-AUGUST 12, 1871.
)ame Britannia:-"MASTER BR*CE! THIS IS TOO BAD;-ALWAYS IN
HUMBLE PIE AGAIN!"
A MESS! YOU'VE BEEN AT THAT
video Daily Patprs.
AUGUST 12, 1871.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 231.
BRans upon the moorlands call -
"Come away! Come away! "
Senators indignant bawling
Shall we stay ? Shall we stay ?
Hang commissions Dash recruiting !
Let the Ministers go looting!
Only'don't let's miss the shooting,
1. For the largest circulation
You must need a little.' ile "
Q. E. D. The demonstration
Of a certain sort of style.
2. "LIKx you this new design of ours,
With scrolls, and birds, and fish, and flowers "?
The critic gazed and said I wis
It clearly is entitled "- this:
3. When Miss KILMANSEGG
Of the Golden Leg
Put in an appearance on earth;
A timepiece-so grand -
Which stood close at hand,
Recorded the hour of her birth
4. They used to put them in a pie
That huntsmen hungrily would ply.
But changed to a proverbial pasty
'Tis thought, by those who eat it, nasty.
5. When HAMLET in a fix had got,
Ay, there's the rub," said he;-
A far more common word, I wet,
Denotes a fix for me!
6. If LoanD MORLEY forbade
These to be laid,
We should all of us howl at my lord, I'm afraid.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 229.-Holiday Seaside:
Hangings, Olive, Lanista, Images, Droschki, Abroad,
SOLrTIONs or ACROSTIC, No. 229, RCrvimD 2N1 AUoUST :-
WHAT is the difference between the Commune and
the Common-wheel F The latter has but one nave; the
former had a great many.
Meenister (wiho has come SoUth)/):-"WELL, ALECK, AND HOW D'YE LIKE
LIVING SOUTH, NOW ? "
Aleck :-" AWEEL, SIR, I DINNA LIKE THE PLACE AT A', FOR THE FOLK
HERE DINNA OBSERVE THE SAWBATH WE EBVERIENCE-AN'-AN' THEIR WHIKY'S
NAE GUID! "
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
LOuDS celebrated the passing of the Army Bill by a banquet. Their
own words were the principal dish. = Temperance cricket match at
Crystal Palace. Don't understand how it could be done when they
weren't allowed a bowl! = Scotland-Yard tells ODGER AND Co. itfs
illegal to assemble in Trafalgar Square. ODGnE AND Co. reply that
they shall assemble all the same. Scotland Yard thereupon gives
permission for assembling. COLONEL HESDEnSON should either be
made a peer for this stroke of policy-or dismissed! = More murders !
And yet unfeeling juries will sentence the spirited individuals' who
aret keeping up the excitement and filling the D. T. and other papers
until November and TICHBORNE. Juries must be abolished != Times
and Sd'urday Review arraign the QuEExfor her reigning too privately.
How they wigged the penf papers that did so != In the interests of
the Nation the Ballot ;Bill and other measures, were passed with
rapidity by the House at the end of the. session. We may add grouse-
shooting begins on the Twelfth! = Several persons have been hanged
lately. Unfortunately a greater number who deserve to be have up to
the present moment escaped! The Berkshire Encampment scheme
abandoned by \VWar Office. Alleged reason, the crops. Real reason,, a
cropper! = BURKE, the Fenian, released from Broadmoor Asylum.
We knew there. were lots of rogues and fools, in the business,.but a
genuine lunatic gives it quite an air of respectability. = Government
still decline the Berkshire Encampment. Will not "tak' .tent and
An Odd one or two in !
Tun.South London Press states, that forty-two tradesmen.in that
district were last week fined, for having unjust weights and measures
in their possession. Transpontine. performances have always been
credited with a little exaggeration and so we so wesuppose e we must not
object to the two in excess of the.legitimate "' orty Thieves."
WE were half inclined the other day to resent a smart article in the
Pall Mall, commencing-" Many years ago the late MR. HOOD, in an
affecting poem, described the grief and consternation which fell on a
small family circle when they discovered among some codfish which,
with oyster sauee,. formed their supper, a button belonging to one of
their members who was absent on a seafaring expedition "-firstly, on
the ground that THOMAS HOOD did not writo any such poem; and,
secondly, because it is not usual to speak of poets as the late Mu.
WonDswoaTH," or'" the departed MR. SUHARESEARB." Uponreading,,
however, the following-we presume, epigram ?-in our contemporary, I
we felt that the apparent slight arose from ignorance of the first i
elements of verse, rather than from impertinence to a poet.:
The firm of Baxter, Rose, and Norton,
Deny the claimant's Arthur Orton,
But can't deny, what's more important,
That he has done what Arthur oughtn't.
We did not suspect the ears" of the P.M.0G. (to quote the lato Mr.
Dogberry', a grammarian, the influence of whose -style isi traceable min
its, columns) ; on the contrary, we always supposed them to bo ofl
sufficient capacity to perceivethat oughtn't" and '' portent" have not:
the remotest chance of rhyming, to the ear of any one of educatibDn.;
We shall know better in future.
Out evil deeds bring vengeance on, their baoket
When lax are habits, habits soon are-lacks 1
TwE Th totallers are. strangely contradictory people., Tie Banuc o4i
Hpea.deeline.tb lean oan.aankert
UN. [AucST 12, 1871.
TEMPERANCE FESTIVAL AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE.
LETTER rTROH AN F. E.
TO THE EDITOR OP FUN.
SIR,-Yah! This interjection is expressive of contempt. Yes, sir
(in the A .S. forwarded to us Yes, sir" appears to be written Yessur."
-ED.), c ontempt-scornful, dishdainful (sic in orig.-ED.) unmitigated
contempt. Your artist, sir, have been to me (" tne" in orig.) with his
cartoons, i llustrative of the late Adulterated -I mean Adult-Demon-
stration of Temperance Organisations at the Crystal Palace, and sug-
gests that I should write something to drink-I mean something for you
dpropos (tang it! I've got over that word at last) of the late Feshtival
(there should be no h in festival.-En.), and from a temperance point
of view. Sir, distance lendsh enshantment to sher view (our corre-
spondet is really incorrigible with his h's, and we must let them pass.-
-ED.) .Were you ever at the Bellevue-I mean the Belvedere-at Pen-
tonville ? You weren't ? Well, then, whatshthegoodsh of kicking up
a row ? (No one, save our correspondent, dreams of making a disturbance,
Sir, I don't want to see your artist's cartoons. I went to the
Festival myself. I saw it all. Adult Demonstrations, Bands of Hope.
When are they going to repeal the hop duty ? You have Bass. Well,
I prefer Allshoppsh. (Wandering again.-ED.) Sir, I saw the pro-
shesshiosh, the Rechabites, and the Malachites, and the Shtalactitish
(evidently a hard word for our correspondent), the Sons of Temperance-
Have you read Mr. Gilbert's Landlord of the Sun ?" "The Sun is a
Toper,'and Drinks up the Rain ?" But no matter. I was there-at
the Crystal Palace. I saw the United Order Total Abstinent Sons of
the Phoenix; the Good Templars (I was head-waiter at the Cock," in
Fleet-street, once, and most of the Templars that come there was a
precious shady lot); the Life Boat Crewsh; (still harping on his h's.-
ED.) and the rest of 'em. Sir, the whole thing was a humbug.
They're now sixty-three thousand of 'em, weren't they ?. What did
they want with their sashes and their gashes,-
And it's oh! for brandy smashes,
Though the Skipper gave us lashes
For tapping of his liquor
By the old Cape Cod.
Thish ish a digresshionsh (on every point save his h's our correspondent
appears tolerably sane.-ED.) Sir, I want to know why people can't be
waterdrinkers, abstaining wholly from intockshicatingsh (quite hopeless.
-ED.)-liquorsh without going about dressed in tomfoolish cosh-
tumes ?- Sir, it is not my fault. I've got the hiccupsh. They're in
There occurs a considerable hiatus in our correspondent's MS., which
is stained, however, in numerous places with drops of a dark
straw colour, and presents, moreover, sundry rings, Vandyke
brown in hue, seemingly caused by the application to the paper of
some incandescent instrument.
FU N X. 751
I was saying, sir, when the boy brought me the sodawater, that I
respect. and- admire the virtue. of Temperance -albeit for the total
abstainer I have little sympathy: it is generally because he can't
drink that he won't drink -and that I loathe and contemn the
drunkard; but why should sixty-three thousand people go down to
Sydenham in the last week in July to make themselves ridiculous by
proclaiming their virtues to. the sound of brass bands and big drums,
and:parading about in mountebank costume, in the company-save the
mark!-of the' "Baboo Sassipada Banerjee from India"? The
ancestors of the "Baboo Sassipada Banerjee" were teetotallers
thousands of years ago; just as he may now be a teetotaller himself,
for %he- simple reason that total abstinence was and is the religious
custom of the country, and that they and he.couldn't and can't help
themselves. But allow me to ask you one question. The Teetotallers
say that drunkenness is the cause of nine-tenths of the crime prevalent
iniEngland, and that even moderate drinking is a criminal vice. Very
well. It is a pot of "cooper" which incites Jem Smith to break his
wife's head with the poker, and jump on her ribs. If he hadn't drunk
half-and-half he wouldn't have done it. But what, pray, would have
incited.the "mild and temperate" Hindoos in 1857 to run a-muck
against-our rule ? They were teetotallers to a man. Why did they
foully murder, not only our soldiers, but our wives and children,
besidesscommitting other atrocities which the pen refuses to tran-
scribl.- (ThoseJatal a's have set our correspondent offagair:; andthexrest
ofhievommunication mainly. consists of allusions to a certain Mary, described
as.Mfflltid. f the Inn,' and sundry irrelevant dissertations on theDarwinian
tlhiamryiimtwhich he strives to show that as men are descended from,-baboons
1&iistaztsnesearer monkeys, than we are, and consequently drink- nothing
bitweatr.biecause baboons are habilteilyetotal abstainers. We give, hosw-
etre',vcoomludi 'a words).
Isahouldb e a dolt and an-idiot to deny-that the-assemblage ofi ixty-
tHeet M ssand persons, pledged to temperate habits, attha. Crystal
Pklii-es-a great.fact, an encouraging, and in many respeftse.aitrium-
phant fact. I hold; as most reasonable men (the last : .) 'do, .that the
temperance advocates. have already done a vask amount of good, and
if their-agitation be sensibly and moderately-conducted, they. may
confer.a.still larger amount of benefit-on the community; but cannot.
-the Ido-this without the big drums-and the brass band, the banners,
Banerjee from India"?
From-,your obedient servant indeed,
AN F. E.
P.S.-I was engaged for two years by a temperance lecturer to
go round the country as a Frightful Example (at last he has mastered
the temptation of a redw2dant Ah !-ED.). For a pound- a:week :I was.-
expected to have delirium tremns on the platform, and,,bring my wife.
and children to the workhouse, my parents' grey hairs with sorrow to
the grave, and myself to the gallows to the tune of Not for Joseph."
Thi&inakes:me-1bitter. Bitter, yesh, bittersh, my dear, and a little
drop of- (we thought the h in Joseph would set him of again.)
A Sell for the AntiTobaccoites.
Himz's. an anecdote from the Ford, Journal:-
Captain. Wilkes, in an exploring expedition, interrogated. a native of the Fiji
Islands, as to the fate of it,-e ,, of a vessel.whosea shattered 'hull still lay upon'
thebeach. "All lil'," replied hes a vage. "Whatdid yon dowith them?"asked
Captain.WilkeE. "Eat ',m. Good," returned the cannibal. "Did youteat'them.
all!" inquired the- half sick captain. "All but one,"' holding-up a finger. "And'
why did you spare one ?" "'Cause him taste too like tobacco; couldn't eat him no
We trust that CoPE will take a Toha'co leaf from our book, and advise;
his ,seafaring ,readers -on this wise-" Though you are shipwrecked!
amongicannibals,' you may escape -being eaten-if yon chews>!"
FROM a contemporary we clip the two following advertisements,
merely stating that in the original columns but one. advertisement,.
that of a "Plain Cook," divides them:-
A 1MURSERY GOVERNES-4 WANTEl ten. miles from town, aged about'17, to
take charge of and educate too gills under seven.years of age. One having a
knowledge of music prt ferried. Paly commencing with 8 per year. Reference
given and requited.-Address A. B etc.
A HOUSEMAID WANTED in a house of business.. Wages 14 per annum, all
W6 are notigoing to cgack a joke on the subject;. In our opinion it is
so intensely comic that everybody will see the point I
Put that,in .your Pipe.!
BIIHAM-.YOUNG, we are informed,. "hasi announced: that he has
recei 6d a divine command prohibiting the use of. tobacco." If this
is true,.weprophosy after the event) that he has put his own pipe out,
and that the Mormons, as a quo.fortho prohibited, qgid, will chaw
i AUGsrT 12, 1871.]
CHA.TIS ABOUT MAGS.
THAE orshilKlwitlh-thse exception of some verse not quite up to the
mark, is merum neetar-this month. Harry Richmond" and Lord
Kilgobbin are. admirably supported by a paper on JANE AUSTErN by.
Miss THAcxKBRA, a- capital story of the Commune, and a tempting
description of the Moorsm.
The, Gentleman's, in.- addition to its leading story and MR. COWDEN
CLAExm'Ss" Comic Writers," contains a pleasant essay on Sea-Waif,"
and a protest against the Battle of Dorking, with a timely gossip
about SCOTT at.his Desk."
Belgravia is readable as ever. MR. SALA gives a quaint version of
"The Lady and the Lions," and: Ma. LAMONT tells-and.tells well-
the history of:" Major Curtis." The other papers are amusing, and'
Mit. FITZGB anL'S' Johnson and Mrs. Piozzi" would be pleasant but
for its slipshod writing, which we should not expect from.a critic of
dramatic literature! For the art we need only. say that Mai. PnoorToi
and the late T. MORTEN are among the illustrators.
In Temple Bar first and foremost weonote Ought we to Visit Her
-one of the best stories running throughthe periodicals nowc "Good
Bye, Sweet-heart" is an improvement in style so far,,on former' novels
from the same hand. Katto.and her Coal.Cart." isia>gennuim.bit of
natural pathos. There is paper on SoTTo too-and& thereisiiapapor
on Scotswomen, that will brmg-a swarm of northern critiba about its
A MOAN FROM AX MANCHESTER .WAREHOUSE.
To sands and oceans:shiny:-
M. tears -are rising, welladay !
'Tis allimy eye for briny.
H~w6ervently my- spirit craves
Of'their goods .some for m y
They're dipping in the bounding-wawes.
And I'm confined to dry goods 1'
I see them on the cliffs so white;
And by the ocean-verges;-
They're dancing in the breakers bright,.
While I but'deal in serges.
Oh, happy beings that they are,
Mid:boats and sunshine dwelling,
They're profiting by tan and tar,
And I'am- tartans selling !
Oh, happy seaside folks, so rich
In joys to great amounts-
My nearest shore is just Shoreditoh,
I dip into-accounts!
Ala,,that Fortune serves us so,.
AndLplcaasureswilL forbid manu-
My only sniff of.brine, I owo,
'To fancy, and.to.TiuMANA.,
[VWeeansne, etumanunaecepted MXS2 onr Shetchsf; unke t*Ief ar',,aoo*.
paniedibyba stamspedk and directed ,ewel ppo; ans.-wo do nottholdiomeks
responsible for losij ,
J. P. A. (Cork).-i-We agrae with you, but there are some oirownmtanees
beyond even our control.
TABAO~-WacaniJonly chewyou, with an' S.
W. F. D. (Becleaham).-A pun-and not a new one-on a tanner ia not
exactly worth the two -hillings you specify.
C. (Bryanst n-street).-When we hate learnt what a "dif" audience is,
we may appreciate your point about "come back to Erin." We have heard.
that joke about song, and urdity. Is'yours absurdity ?
CODDLESNIPBs.-We had a presentiment that.the new, postal arrange-
ments (by which after the 1st instant a penny stamp will frank an increased
weight) would not be snuch a great boon to us.
J. W. (Bideford).-Send.stamped and directed envelope, repeating the
M B.-See Rule, above.
G. 8. P.-Thanks
Declined with thanks: -W. C., Luton; Tweedie's Rights; S., Cromer-
street; C. H. T., Knightsbridge; W. H., Guernsey; G. W. H., Clapham;
G. A, Bradford; S., Windmill Row; G..W., Borough-road; Anti P.,
Plaistow; J. C., Aberdeen; Fuser; Argentiexteribrenides ; L., Manchester;
Tom;. S, Wardour-street; W. A. C., per L. A. W., Peckham: M Liter-
pool; Sweet Peg-gy; T. W.; Classics; F. J. M., Kingsland; An Old
Subscriber; Two on 'em: The.O'Pompous; S. T., Leeds: Norhamipton;
Colonel-; S. R. F.; Joseph; Relief; Ballet-box; B. D., Dalston; The Kiag
of Cannibals; P. 0. S.: C. 0., Dorchester; Temple; Mr. H. OCl n
(ff. F.); J. M., Walworth; E. H. A., Manchester; Q. B. D., Univti COlA
[AUGUST 12, 1871.
A WAG-ON THE MOON.
Hother:-"AYE, THE MOON'S VERY BEAUTIFUL, BUT 'TIS ON THE WANE ALREADY! WE SHALL HAVE A NEW ONE SOON!"
Son :-" Lon Now, DO 'EM CART AWAY THE OLD 'UNS IN A WAIN! WHERE DO THEY SHOOT 'EM?"
Father :-" UP TO LONNON, LAD !"
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
Irish Varieties (SiMPXIN AND MARSHAL.) comes to hand just now
very appropriately, when members of the Royal Family have been
enjoying the variety afforded by the Emerald Isle. It is a book full of
pleasant and instructive gossip on every possible subject, "and more
beside." MR. GASKIN would be a charming companion in a tour
through the "gem of the sea," to judge from the style of his book.
For the very small sum of threepence-thanks to the energy and
enterprise of the proprietors of two excellent and cheap musical publi-
cations, The Penny Melodist, and The Sacred Melodist-the public can
purchase The Melodist Pianoforte Tutor, which gives plain and sound
instruction in instrumental music, and is a marvel of correctness and
also of cheapness. We may add, with a hearty desire to benefit not
only the public but a deserving publication, that the office is at 10 Red
Lion Court, E.C.
THE party, who was found hanging about a large draper's shop and
who explained his presence by saying he was in search of an engage-
ment, met with one on the spot. It was short, sharp, and decisive.
ROUT SEATS.-No seats to be had for all your routing.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Sin,-I am a Conpervative-well conserved. In fact, I have
thought for the last fifty years that my age was so much too fast that
I have striven to be behind it. Imagine my joy, then, on reading this
passage in a letter addressed to the Editor of the Standard the other
day, by one signing himself "Rusticus Minor "-who must have
therefore a Major Cuss "-more rusty than himself:-
We all remember the important part a decision of our courts played in reference
to a similar Royal Warrant, two centuries ago!
This is consoling for a fellow who feels that his middle parting is
growing to be as wide as-the Poultry at least, teste CLEMENTS of that
ilk. My remembrance will not take me back one century-much less
two! Don't callus Conservatives antiquated after this, and oblige
Yours, BALD-WI !
A Dough-nut to Crack.
An ingenious baker accounts for the high price of his loaves by say-
ing, that he has it on the authority of an eminent naturalist that the
dough belongs to the dear tribe.
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AUGUST 19, 1871.J
THE HIELAND BAGPIPES I
THE Sothrons cam' wi' muckle pains,
To harry Caledonia's plains.
Wi' targes, dirks, and guid elaymores,
We rushed to guard our native shores.
We marched against the invading foe-
They met our onset blow for blow-
And when the pipes to play began,
They threw down their arms and away they ran!
(Chorus) Heugh, laddie!
Heugh, laddie! (ad lib.)
Och, then wi' fluttering tartans gay,
Our Clansmen Southward marched away!
Each swore upon his claymore braid
Th' invader he'd in turn invade.
Forth rushed the foes, when this they kenned,
Their hairths and homesteads to defend.
But when they heard the pipes so gran',
They threw down their arms and away they ran!
(Chorus) Heugh, laddie!
Heugh, laddie! (ad lib.)
Imitation is the Sineerest Form.
IT is to be regretted that admiration for the genius of
the Wizard of the North, has induced many a Scot to
make himself a Tally's-man!
Dinna ye ken?
THE London School Board have expressed their
interest in the Scott Centenary in a very proper manner.
By trying to raise our 'gutter children, they do their
best to promote Kenil-worth.
Scotched not Killed P
WE do not wish to impugn Mn. CHARLES READE'S
originality, but a recent work of his reminds us of one
by the Great Unknown. His very highly-spiced story
of Man and Wife seems to be Castle-Dangerous.
A Down-Y CovE.-Jupiter Pluvius.
A SPORTING DIFFICULTY.
THE Secretary of the Society for the Improvement of Things in
General and the Diffsion of Perfect Equality begs to submit the
following minutes to the consideration of the Editor of Fun.
It having been brought prominently under our notice that certain
individuals intimately connected with the most prominent of our
national sports and pastimes are, by obtaining and insisting upon an
undue pre-eminence at such said sports and pastimes, doing such
before-mentioned sports and pastimes an inconceivable amount of
injury, for nothing but the aggrandisement of self and the belittlement
of all others interested in the pursuit of such said, before, and herein-
after mentioned national sports and pastimes,-we the Committee of
the Society for the Diffusion, of Perfect Equality have considered the
matter and decided that-
Something must be done.
The Committee beg to point out to the members of the Society, and
to all intending subscribers, the inestimable advantages which have
resulted from their efforts to equalise the world of billiards. By a
slight alteration in the tables they have made one player as good as
another and perhaps better; and they fearlessly challenge contradic-
tion when they state that the game does not now always fall to the
most skilful aspirant for championship honours.
But lately the attention of the Committee has been directed to the
game of cricket, and they behold with much sorrow that unless
matters are at once rearranged there is now less chance than ever of
perfect equality at this one of the said national sports and pastimes.
Therefore, at a meeting to be held shortly, the following proposi-
tions will be submitted to the Committee in reference to the ungentle-
manly conduct of a gentleman player, who has so far forgotten himself
and his position during the present season as to make many hundreds
more runs than anyone else, by this means destroying the said prin-
ciple of perfect equality.
The Committee need hardly state that they refer to MR. GILBERT
A NOVEL WAVERLEY NOVEL.
Nellie:-" OF COURSE, YOU'VE READ SIR WALTER SCOTT, MR. SHODDY
-NOW DO TELL ME WHICH YOU THINK THE BEST OF HIS WORKS."
Ignoramut Shoddy, Esq. (getting nervous, and not wishing to show ignorance)
-" H'M--R--WEL I THINK-ER-ER-The Dew of Ben Nevis !"
The following are but a few of the suggestions which have been
made with regard to this player:-
That he shall owe a couple of hundred or so before batting. (These
to be reckoned against his side should ho not wipe them off.)
That his shoe spikes shall be turned inward.
That his score shall be analysed by the opposite side, and all objec-
tionable items struck out.
That he shall be declared out (1 b w ?) whenever the umpire likes.
That he shall be always the Eleventh player.
That he shall not be allowed to play at all.
By some one or other of these means we trust to bring this young
fellow to a LONOSTOP.
THE advertisement of an hotel at Berkeley contains the following
The great attraction of the new Canal Works at Sharpness Point now in progress,
the beautiful old Castle at Berkeley being open Tuesdays and Fridays, together
with the healthy and embracing air Berkeley is so noted for, makes it a happy day
to parties going out for a day's outing.
Those who imagine BARCLAY (not to mention PERKINS) should supply
the Entire at Berkeley are clearly mistaken. The embracing air
requires HueouiS' Ales!
Palmam qui meruit ferat.
MR. BAZALGETTE is to be created a Civil C.B. for his exertions in
connection with the Thames Embankment. It is not enough. He
should be made a Quay C.B.
A Chaney Ornament.
A FOND parent often presents Young Hopeful with a watch at a
time when he stands in far greater need of-a chain!
VOL. XIV. I
[AuGusT 19. 1871.
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 16th, 1871.
His force must the Earl
Of Shaftesbury hurl
Against us in strife sacrilegious !
The Ballot to shy
Sky-high do they try
The Peers they have sworn
To lift up their horn
And join in a contest litigious.
First the Army Bill they
T'other day tried to slay !
The Ballot Bill now
The'd fain disallow,
And wish of our rights to abridge us!
Such constant office
Against sense is too denso! '
3ikha Answers, Where.
SoMxnoDv has sent us a farrago of nonsense calling itself The
lMedium. We have waded through it from beginning to end, but find
nothingnoticeable in it save a letter, which is written with the inten-
tion of defending- the reputation of the Zouave JAcon, a well-known
professed healer of the Spiritualistic kidney. The Echo stated that
JACOB joinedithe Army of the Loire, and was shot by his own com-
rades for treachlerya~d espionage. The Medium's correspondent says :
" It is we 1 knownA that JACOB has not been engaged in the present
war." This- is: not- quite correctly put-nothing is "well known"
about'asperBonage of small importance, but we should have guessed-
without the aid of the spiritm-that." M. JACOB was a little too wise
to jeopardise his sRfet.bvfle'htlin' for his native country.
THE Habitual Drunkards' Bill" has recoiled this session with
the express intention of trying it on again next year. We would
venture to submit, Apropos of a proposal to establish sobering
asylums to be supported by the rates, the following apologue to
rate-paying moderate drinL ers" :-If a man picks your pocket of a
silk handkerchief, it is rather hard that you should have to support
him in prison for the term of his sentence. It is still harder if you
have to do so because he picks the pocket of s( mebody else. Well, if
it costs you something to got comfortably tight, it's rather hard you
should have to pay more to keep someone else sober! All ri'!
A DrBLIN manufacturer has perfected a plan for making paper from
a pulp made of deal boards chopped up fine. Here at last is a con-
genial surface for blockheads to disport themselves upon. We know
several papers that ought to deal" with this party.
"A ROLLING stone gathers no moss;" but Caleb was a still
It's a poor heart that never rejoices," but there's a rich Heart
Mind your P's and Q's; "-but remember I've-an-O!
No accounting for Taste.
Tim admirable portrait of Dn. JOHnsox in the Peel Collection of the
National Gallery is by Sin JOSHUA REYNOLDS; and yet SIR JOSHUA
was not the Doctor's favourite artist,-he liked "a good Hayter."
Spell it with a ",0Oui."
A coCKNEY friend accounts for SeTT's1 rapidly springing into fame,
by saying that lie was the greatest Waulter of his day.
THE PEN OFr THE READY W ITER.-The Waverley Pen.
WHICH of ScoTTr' works would a bad 'horseman employ to stop a
runaway mare ? The Bridle of Try-'er-mane!
JOSH BILLINGS ON THE SCOTT CENTENARY.
My hart loops at the okkorince of the SKOTT Sententiary, jist cabled
tor me, provin', as it duz, a kumplete dry-up to the exertions of SiR
JonGE KOnNEWALL LEWIS, Member of Kongress (who is ded), that
nobody (not bein' 'MEZUSALEM, nor a myoule, which, feedin' chiefly on
huckleberry-brush, and never having' no disease. that a gould-sfick
wouldn't ]mow, will slosh around to enny period of thyme) ever lived
to a hunnerd yeers of age. If SKOTT hadn't lived over a hunnerd,
how could they sellebrate his sententiary ? Sententiaryies is live
things, ain't they ? Tell.
The SxoTT phamily is of Merrikin origin ivventually. The fust
SKOTT cum here (in trubble) some time in the last He-Pock (which is
a kinder sentuary), and worked for old MR. VAN HUyrsu down town.
He bordid at 54, G. Street, corner of Ninth Evenue, and was
rimmarkible for allers payin' his bord after they had threttined, to
lock him out of his rume if he didn't. I 'new a man which ruined
with him, and that settles the fack. There was another SKOTT (they
called him JAKE), doin' of quite a formonenal trade in cranberries,
Newtown pippins, and other sass, dounter Salem, Mass, about the time
of the War of Ingypendents. This SXoTT wur a cur'ous cuss. He
had grate elikence in packin' his barrils, and wur the ony man I ever
heerd of who could persuade his customers that dekade portaters was
peaches. This SKOTT got demorrilised about sum bank bills thet
wurt quite sound on the goose and Went away. I have hurd that
he fit in the Revolushion-leastways, that he druv a baggidge-
waggin-and thet he was wounded; thet is ter say, he was kickit by a
myoule. Be wur to the Battle of White Plains, and would hev given
the Britishers fits ; but he kinder didn't feel interested, and went away
agin: this time to Europe, dermestic chaplin to CAP'iN PAUL JONES,
aboard the Boanehomme Richard; and so cum into the Fifth of Fourth,
or sum sech Sketch Rivver, where he went ashow, and making' a large
fortin in the kipper'd herrin' trade, founded the SKOTT phamily of
Abbitsford. It wur his sun, SiR WALTEr that writ novvils and other
works of phiction for a livelihood. He tried ter write edditoryals, be-
cause he was a Tory, but finding out his mistake, left off suddin. He
wur an Able man, but as a novvilist inferior to FENNYMORE COOPER
and MRS. D' A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H., &c., SOUTHWORTH. On his
Deth Bedd he confyded ter MRs. HARIET BEACHIIE'S TOE his phirm
persuashion thet a man oughtnter marry his grandmother. The
alarmin' secret was subbsiquently divulged by MRs. TOE in a article
in the Atlantick Mvnthly, an' she got ten dollars a paige for it (which
wur handsum). Sin WALTER SKOTr dide universally rispekted, and
his wurks hev' bin extensively pyretted in These States. They ain t
wurth much now tor the Skotch : the loppyrites bein' mostly gin out.
He is berrid in Drygoods Abby, and there is a marbil monument ter
him in Eddinburror much inferior to our monniments in Baltimore,
Conimunipaco, South Gilead, and uther citiess. SIR WALTER SKOTT
wur a grate man ; it are a pity that he never visited the country of his
ancistor's buth; he would a bin wurth sumthin' handsum to an agint
in advance. J. B.
The Cry of ths Children.
TiERE is an Educational Department in the International Exhibi-
tion and a pretty good-sized one, containing various educational-
shall we say, implements ?
But there is no half-price for children at the International Exhibi-
Please, somebody, go and bring us the very biggest educational--
shall we say, implement ? We will lay it on the backs of the authefi-
ties with pleasure, until they see the necessity for giving facilities to
those who are most likely to derive benefit from visiting the Exhibi-
tion. In fact, the place is only fit to amuse children, and yet they are
IT is stated-we trust on doubtful authority-that there are fifty-six
members of the Paris ( ommune at pros: nt in London. We never for a
moment doubted that these valiant leaders would take'care of their own
precious carcases when there was any real danger, and we were there-
fore reluctantly compelled to disbelieve the accounts which described
them as all shot at their posts. But we did hope they would be pre-
vented from favouring us with their company, and we beg to suggest
that they be packed off again, labelled Commune-ications declined
Pop goes," &c.
WE are informed by KNaturc that "the pop-py I'ade flourishes in
China." So it does in England, the art having been brought from
Wir was Desdemona like Lucy Ashton ? Because she was the
Bride of L'amour Moor.
AueUST 19. 1871.]
DOUBLE ACROSTC, No. 332.
A HUNDIO D years have passed away,
Weaver of the potent spell;
But we h ld festival to-day, i,,
To prove thou art remembered well! ,
1. Trace in the Talis,.n this foreign air, ''''
When to the East his flag great RICHARD bare. ."f'
2. This high born dame did not the love discard
Of the brave Scottish Archer of the Guard.
3. There is a well
Whose name would tell
That once thereby a Saint did dwell.
4. I ween full fast he had to ride
To 'scape his foes by Liddel-side,
And joyed to see above him lour
he battlements of Branksome Tow'r.
5. A gallant clan, as staunch and true
As e er bore blade or arrow drew,
Obeyed the man, a monarch slew.
6. There stands a castle in a lake
Whose piison-hars they strove to break
For one unhappy woman's sake.
7. She listened, full of fear and dread, 2
To Norna of the Fitful Head.
And Mrs. Baby- \"/
Called her gaby!
8. A stunted wretch, whose life
Was full of pain and strife,
Whose angry will ,
First caused his ill,
And drew the hasty knife.
.9. A robber, and an outlaw bold,
He went through perils manifold,
But died a peaceful death when old,
As Highland legends oft have told.
SoLUTION OF DOUBLE ACROSTrc, No. 230.-Ballot,
Secret: Bis, Ague, Lac,.Lawyer, Ogre, Tat.
CORRECT S *LUTIONS OF AcaOSTIC No. 230, received 9th
August:-Dycqut, Jack a,,d Bob; Gyp; Buggies and Mu'geis:;
Biddy and Potter; D. E. H. ; Lindis; Pimlico Tom Cat; Ruby s
Ghost; J. @. P. ; L. X. Kepi.
"PIT IT IS, 'TIS TRUE."
Xfistress :-" LucY, I DDm xOT SE xeT AT CHLtRC THIS AMININO. I
.HOPE YOU WENT."
Lucy :-" On, YES' "
stresss .-" I COULDN'T SEE .TOU ANYWHERE N E N THIE GALLERY "
.Lucy -" No'st I WAS IN THE FPIT.'i "
OUR SHORTHAND NOTEsB.
GREAT riot in Dublin. Police .'.-iru d of erai.k.o-th. cro-wns of
Fenian Agitators. They were Cin.kid b,:h t.... I'lUiIr or W. atLS
enthusiastically received in Irela 'U"rin' iimproved by -seeing
him. = Ballot Billpasses :.iini r.idmig in trh. .: ',:,nm....s Iallot box-
ing match between the GOr.... v.iAh 'itt .and th. B.. I1 B..n-.da,.:.. =
Tall Mall asserts that the / aa0d i, r, ar.ti,,took .t- ti. I, i fr.:m iC,
in lecturing the QUEEN. ;, A.il r-"1 "I-. rL-. jurUil Writ..,_ by:
gentlemen for gentlemen I-.'.: th-'- '.Alit .of I..-. ; fir- t itt .~'k a
woman:! = Berks Campaign breaks down for want of transport
service. We should like to see the:Bunglers transported! = Another
man-of-war lost. Ms. E. J. .- t., in- til. case of the C,Up4ai",, accuses
himself of knowing what would 'happen, and not preventing it. We
suppose he is anxious to be deprived of his C.B. = WasU.LEY moves
for a return of the religious beliefs. of Cabinet Lfiinisters! Better
move for a return of his own ..-p... -.ht:h app. ir t. hir. -ntirely
left him. = Orders of the Bath .in.i ..ir .. .. V,:ry nice
this sort of weather. Two brickmakers -sentenced to '7 years for
petroleum trade-outrages at Lower Broughton.. Brought-on by them-
selves, but well-merited. = Railway accident in Yorkshire. Engine
tire gave way. Companies seem to tire their engines as badly as they
do their servants. liss WALKEx, assisted by Ma. GARDINER,
walks up the Matterhorn. GARDINER experienced in training climbers
The Right direction .
A WESTERN American railroad advertises that each train carries a
coroner and six jurymen for the convenience of passengers." The
convenience of -.. i. would be more cheaply and more effica-
ciously consulted . i rain carried a director -in the cow-catcher f
That would do admirably in America. Li England we should suggest
that the two front buffers of each engine should be selected from
those on the board.
A FEW ,.Jh iPfN FACTS.
MAN's a fool!
When it's hoth::e-ants it cool ;
When it's coldiaie.wanats it hot,
Ne'er contented with'his lot.
When it's dry,,
He for show; ieaBsure to sigh;
When-to meetihip wish-it rains,
'Of the wet thefqfol complains.
'Hot or cold, or dry or wet,
Nothing suits that ho can get;
I consider as a rule
Man's a fool!
MBeating about the Bush.
TIIS paragraph seems to us longer than there is any need for it to
be to convey: its meaning:-
:Dr. Bushsays the reason why Germans die so soldom'with-consumption is tl e
fact;of their singing from their earliest childhood.
If singing saves us :from the doctor, the fact may be briefly expressed
in the old proverb,-" Good w(h)ine needs no Blsu."
'Not Generally Known.
THE jolly dog is a dumb animal-in the sense only that his motto i:
-" dum vivimus," &c.
THE SITE OF'THEr OLn TorL.-nOOTIr.-Tyburn.
WOULD it surprise you to learn that SSa W ALTEIr gave his Fri'.;
Lance the name of Dd'-B(a)rra.s'!?
80 FUN. fAuOUST 19, 1871.
OF THE NORTH.
3F~'1 '-AvuusT' 19, 1871. '
"The Dominie loved his young charge, and was enraptured with his own success in having brought him so far ..... Twice was the Domine chased by a cross-
grained cow ...... "Pro-di-gi-ous !" was the only ejaculation they ever extorted from the much-enduring man."-8ix WALTR SoOTT'B uy Mannenng.
Domnime Sampson by MR. W. E. GL*DST*NE. I The Child by BALLOT BILL. I The Cow. by THE HOUSE OF PEERS.
AGosST 19, 1871.] F U N 83
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
": -- '
DmI you ever read or hear the story of how a party of the name of
ACToxN caught the dipping dripping DIANA in her al fresco bath, of the
terrific fate which befell him in consequence of his peeping-Tomness, of
how fearfully he must have regretted going to see wimmin swimming ,
and have hated every damp place even ever afterwards ? Did you
ever hear this fable ? because we see a good deal of feminine al fresco
tubbing and Actneonising going on every morning at the sea side, and
you ought to remember the first instance on record of a man's. .
going to the dogs through doing it; except, by the by,-we had
almost forgotten it-there is a difference; then it took a goddess to
change whatshisname into a stag, for catching her in some stagnant or
running water, but nowadays there's not the very slightest occasion
for her or any other supernatural female swell to arrive ex machine to
turn a man who systematically makes it his morning's pastime to
obsurf her bathing in the billows into a beast for . . he
so indubitably is perfectly capable-as he proves-of doing it for
Reader; it is very odd, but some men's entire time appears to be
passed betwixt-" Delicacies and in-dolicacies!
Apropos of ACTroN and stags let us beg you to kindly remember
that your servi are simply servants, and can only go a quarter of an
hour's walk in fifteen minutes; they are not cervi-though we grant
you they are dear-to do the distance in five.
.- .- -=
No; we never liked crinoline: nevertheless we do think it nmight-
on occasions-be an improvement: at any rate it would render the
ecmale form a trifle less like a statue wet than it invariably is now on
caving the ocean, and we feel convinced would be most comfortable
or natatory purposes, to say nothing of to a certainty doing away with
When we are at the seaside, or on board somebody's ship we are
constantly hearing sailors talk of a nice dancing breeze; at Rydo
Ir Brighton we presume this is the breeze that makes the sea to be-a
P.S.- Odd, ain't it? but at this season of the year at Brighton,
Ramsgate, Margate, &c., the wind is pretty generally Jew-ess't 1
Distance lends enchantment to the view! lends, you will observe,
the enchantment which proximity takes away again, for as the pearl
grey blue of the distant hills is gone when we get there, so, but too
frequently, vanishes the snowwhiteness of that cotton stocking we
admired so much . from the other side of Regent-street.
You are kind enough to say that you consider SAWS UIHJEcT, EsQ., a
fool for doing this that or t other: you are wrong, entirely wrong: if
SAWS UBJECT likes it, he would be a fool not to do it. Just mind your
own business, for of all the nasty fruits which grow on the Tree of
Evil perhaps one of the nastiest is the meddler! but if people will only
sensibly follow our advice lie can be easily squashed: our advice is
. . whenever you see people about "to have a finger in your
pie" make it hot for 'em!
Turn off your Steam!
WE learn, from the Journal of the National Life-boat Institution, that
some genius has invented a steam life-boat. This happy idea scoms to
have but one drawback. If the steam life-boat can be always
guaranteed smooth water, nothing could be better ; but as life-boats,
as a rule, put out in very rough weather, when the fires would be
extinguished before the boat was a biscuit-throw from shore, there
appear to be a few disadvantages connected with the scheme. Perhaps
the idea might be modified, and a gas-engine introduced instead of a
steam one, with elastic tubing laid on from shore. Clockwork might
be available, provided it would stand the knocking about. But, per-
haps, after all, a large raft, which the lifeboatmen wading through the
sea (of course upon stilts) could guide to the wreck, would be almost
as good as a steam life-boat.
"The Legitimate Drama."
THERMOMETER AT 80.
RATHER too Summery,
Pardon us then if we say "No! "
To witnessing mummery,
Puffed with such flummery,
We prefer POMMERY-
La(y>tet anguis in herba.
WHAT was the real "Lay" of the Last Minstrel (who never per-
formed out of Scotland) ? Why, the "kinchin lay," to bo sure.
Wasn't "his harp, his sole remaining joy" carried by a "kinchin,"
"an orphan boy ?"
No Poisonous Gloves.
M31SSRS. MITTENS AND MIUFFATEE, of Cheapside, bog to inform the
public that they have in stock a large number of Red Gauntlets
(highly recommended by the late SIR WALTERl SCOTT, Bart.) warranted
not to have been dyed with any poisonous ingredient. (Advt.)
THE WILLOW PATTERN.-M. W. W.. GRACE.
[AUGUST 19, 1871.
THE WAPPEN SCHAW OF WALTER'S COT.
AN UNPUBLISHED FRAGMENT.
WHEN this veracious chronicle commences the LORD PaovosT of
Auld Reekie was holding the Wappen Schaw of the country on a
haugh within a hundred miles of Carlton Hill, on the morning of the
15th of August, 1871. The musters were made, and duly reported (by
special correspondents) and when that ceremony was over the various
sports began. The chief of them was an ancient game styled shooting
at the popinjay.
Of course, as may be supposed, the ladies of the country assembled
to witness the strife, and talk over the events of the day.
"I don't think," said LADY MARGARET BELLENDEN, that this is
quite as exciting as Hurlingham; but 'tis of small consequence, as
JENNY has power many pigeon-pies at Tillietudlem already."
"Indeed, Madam," remarked MIss DIANA VERNON, "I hava seen
no such shooting since the Lords and Commons match, when LORD
OXFORD-or MR. ARTHUR PHILIPSON, as he is registered in the Turf
Calendar-shot against young DONNERHUGEL of the Swiss Embassy."
"'Tis true bymy faith," said MASTER GEORGE HERIOT, "'twasjust a
match between the twa for the DUKB OF BUCKINGHAM'S plate, and his
Grace was pleased to direct that no expense should be spared! "
See! said LADY PEVERIL, interrupting the worthy Master of the
Goldsmiths' Company, the shooting is over, and they are going to
toss the caber."
"I see QUENTIN DURWARD has won the prize for shooting," said
LORD DALGARNO, knocking the ash off his cigar with affected delibera-
tion, I owe you a pair of gloves, MISTRESS CATHERINE SEYTON! "
"I'll give your lordship odds on the caber-throwing," interposed
HALBERT GLENDINNING, despite the deprecatory looks of his brother,
who felt it his duty as an ecclesiastic to set his face against gambling.
"What are the odds you'll give ?" asked the young nobleman.
"Twenty to one, bar one-and that one is HENRY SMITH "-
"What HAL of the Wynd ? "
"Just the Gow Chrom," said BAILIE JARVEY, and I'll gie ye the
same odds that he throws the hammer farthest!"
m 1By this time HENRY had taken his position, and raised the pon-
derous bit of timber, poised it a moment and then cast it. The air
groaned and whistled as the mass flew through it. Down at length it
came full a dozen yards beyond the cast of any other competitor.
Pro-di-gi-ous! exclaimed DOMINIE SAMPSON, who was in the midst
of the crowd with little HARRY BERTRAM raised aloft on his shoulder,
that he might see the better.
Before the shouting which greeted this tremendous feat had
subsided, an ungainly-looking figure darted forward to the huge log,
and raising it in both arms staggered off with it.
"We're just out o' faggots at Wolf's Crag," said he, in reply to
numerous shouts of CALEB! CALEB, mon! What for are ye carrying
off the caber P ?"
While this unexpected interruption was taking place, a swarthy
woman stole up to to the side of SIR ARTHUR WARDOUR'S carriage.
Cross my hand wi' a bit o' siller, my pretty lady," said she in a
whisper to Miss WARDOUR, ye'll no find a body that can rede ye the
future like MADE WILDFIRE."
I trust," said LADY EVELINE DE LACY n2e BERENGER, overhearing
the woman's words, and leaning across to her friend, I trust you'll
have nothing to do with the baggage. It is well to be above supersti-
tions of the kind. I can remember very well as a girl allowing myself
to be terribly worried by a silly rhyming prophecy."
At this moment BLONDEL with his Ethiopian troupe came up, and
the gipsy withdrew. The minstrels struck up a melody :-
Waken, lords and ladies gay,
On the mountain dawns the day,
All the jolly chase is here,
With hawk and horse and hunting spear;
Hounds are in their couples yelling,
Hawks are whistling, horns are knelling,
Merrily, merrily mingle they-
With a flip-up in the jubentube and a boodely umshebay I
"I say, Mr. Bones," said WAMHA, who was one of the corner-men,
addressing BLONDEL at the close of the song, "I say, Mr. BONES, do
you know why to-day am like a letter to MR. SMITH "
"Which MR. SMITH ?"
"Why do M. SMITH what throwed the caber, to be sure, D'ye
gib it up "
"Why because it am Sent-'Enery! "
At this point the M.S. comes to an abrupt close.
WHY is a hive of bees when "swarming" like a philosopher?
Because it's a Hum-boldt.
THE MAN WHOSE NAME WAS JONES.
THERE was a JONES of Battersea,
A' 'good, contented soul,
A. capital old boy was he,
'_- Considered as a whole.
aBt oh, a miss of doubtful age,
Tom-catical and prim,
(Much to unhappy JONES's rage)
had set her cap at'him.
Full twice a-week his tea she'd share
Beneadi his gilded ceilings;
Talk sentimental bosh, nor spare
His bacheloric feelings.
Till victim of a wild despair,
H' t .t CooX' 6 town ist ticket,
And wandr.-d o'er St",h 'r.i bare,
S And-through ,A us ti ii.mn thicket.
uBbt still o'tr sw.Wp, -..ia, U :.,
)'er t t,- ,, .E.pp .t i.: ,u n s. id.-i. ri, 't,:,rir.n S,
That awful, unprotected she
WasAfollerin' of JONEs'
To :BHampton Court its maze he went,
And.as she sought him, there,
Ther, camecon her-bewilderment-
WiJlly his het: I.; br ," he shook-
She I'ollowed tit;m [.. more ;
Anc' tler.t6ickt ti_., h..., took,
And-ttravelled as before.
t tjoywas-o'er his senses shed,
He -pok._- in .ite-r-d r...nes,.
For 'he bad ,ii'-:...nt -i,..l
One day JONES on sudden knew
That he was under' an
A Hokey-Pokey man,
saI take no pay," the savage cried,
"My aid I never barter;
Consent to wed the maiden, I' d
Adopted as my darter."
"I will," cries JoNEs. The savage smiles.
And onward now they tramp,
And ere they'd journeyed many miles
They reached the Indian Camp.
The chief approached his hut of clay,
And raised the curtain o'er him,
JoNEo, gazing inward, swooned away-
The spinster stood before him!
Rather Shakey !
THE Pall Mall falls violently foul of MR1. HEPwORTH DIxoN for
presiding at a meeting for the propagation of" Shakerism," which may
be briefly described as another form of what Americans call Free
Of course Mr. Dixon and the Shakers can fraternize in.public if they choose; but
it is surely a strange ard aen ostincredible irony to final a writer who is best known
as a successful compile r of obscene literature and vamped-up travels announced as
the presiding genius at thb L ni on festival in honour of Scott !
There is one plea which we would urge on behalf of the author of
Spiritual Wive, ; he can at least hold out consolation to admirers of
SIR WALTER SCOTT's heroines in such a case as that of Rebecca and
Rowena, when one is in love with both at once.
"We must Speak by the Card."
MESSRS. BUNT, of Pouthwark Street, Borough, send us specimens of
playing cards of a highly artistic character. The backs arc printed
in colours and the designs are by well-known artists, like MeA. H.
RooERS, MR. BARRIS, ,N W In, and MR. LEIGHTON. The variety is so
great, and the merits so nearly equal, that it is almost impossible to say
which is best of the numerous choice that offers; but we may fairly
give special mention of the "Scott Centenary" pack, with a portrait of
SIR WALTER introduced in a fitting border. We recommend the cards
to the public in the words of FRIAR TucK-Packs vobiscum !
W WHY would writing a novel at a gallop in six weeks be like a song
by BURNS ? Because it would be SCOTT'S Wha-hae (way)."
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE Kensington Commissioners are doing a fair stroke of business
at the Albert Hall, if we may judge by the attendance at the recent
concert given by Her Majesty's Opera Company," during which the
vast building was filled to overflowing, and the free list was entirely
suspended." After being carefully misdirected by half a dozen
officials, we at length discovered our stall, and by the aid of a powerful
glass were enabled to recognise some favourite singers-TITIENS,
ALBONI, SINIco, FOLI, &c. It is now some years since lorgnettes
became fashionable, and for a long time they have held sway unchal-
lenged as indispensable to a theatrical toilet. But their time has at
length arrived. We are informed on the authority of a gentleman
who never tells a lie when the truth will serve, that patent double-
barrelled& ear-trumpets are to be on sale or hire at the next Albert
Hall Matinee. Please order early as a large demand is anticipated.
Going to the Dogs.
GovEmNimn r seems to have an antipathy-in common with all rats-
to the race of dogs. A now act orders" restrictions to be placed on all
dogs suspected to be mad." Will no independent M.P. introduce an
Act for placing restrictions on- Ministers, not merely suspected, but
known to be fools. There are obvious reasons why the HomeSBecretary
could not introduce the measure.
WE are informed that-
The papers by" Q," on.the "Dramatists of the Present Day,"are to be published,
We trust that subtractions. will also be found, for it is to be hoped
that Q will not carry personal hatred beyond: the grave. It is
clever to say.smart things about the living, but it is as'welEto.tell truth
ilaeut the dead.
The Wonder of the Age.
A?-VISITOn to Scotland, on Centenary bent, says that to his surprise
he finds that the better and older Edinbutrgh Ale is, the surer it is to
Les Extremes se touchent.
SHAKESPEARE asked "What's in a name ?" Sim WALTEIR proved
that there was a great name in a WVAT.
A HARMONY OF COLOUit.-A Tartan Played.
[We cannot return unaccepted M11SS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold os'aelves
responsible for loss.]
W. C. (Helborn).-The only thing in your sketch on the coast ", of a
lady on a pier with her umbrella blown inside out, is that Ihe wind which
carries her gingham and the rain due South, let us say, blows her dress and
hair, and the flags of the ships in the offing due North. It is funny, but it
is not nature!
A. (Bolsover-street).-The joke is good, but old; the verification new,
F. S. (Devenport).-Your lines "on the loss of a bunch of keys" are
ineligible. They want the proper ring, which possibly has gone with the
BoscH.-It's all very well for you to find faults with Darwin's theory of
the origin of species; but there's one type that's very like the ape-the
W. H. (Wimbledon).-We haven't the faintest recollection of "Alpaca,"
but we fancy we remember something like his joke before.
F. L. (Peckham).-We must decline your Peckham Rye-mos.
NATURAL Hiss.-Allow us to put it sillygistically-thus, a whale is a
mammal. A donkey is a mammal. Ergo you are a-whale." You can
divide the "undistributed middle" between you.
NEWT.-A little too much of the isewt-onian Law of Gravity, for our
M. 8. (Birmingham).--We do not understand the meaning of the appli-
BXTINGUISHER.-We are not to be put out. The tracing may be a
Declined with thanks:-J. B., Canterbury ; Quid rides, Dalston; C -,
Glasgow; J. F. S., Russell-square; A. M., Bridge of Allan; G. P., Mary-
lebone-road; A. H. C., Birmingham; N., Brick-lane; J. L. P., Bradford;
8. C. Folkestone; R. C., Wimbledon; Tig; Crippled Maniac: W.,
Temple; H. E., New-road; R. C., Jersoy: B. B.; M., Isle of Wight;
W. C. C., Liverpool; 0. L. G.; A. C. S., Whitehall; R., Dalston; Sandy;
F., Manchester; Dramatic Cuss; Bezique; M.; Paddy from Cork: J. S.;
L. S., Stratford; W. F,, Kingsland. W. MeC.; 8.; W.; Cripples; D. F. R.;
Dandie; J. F. D., Grenville-sizeet.
AUvGUT 19, 1871.]
SUBJECTION OF WOMEN.
BE MY HORSE. CHARLIE'S NO GOOD; HE WON'T LET ME WHIP HIM. IF YOU WILL COME I
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
The Dark Blue, we observe, quotes from our columns a notice which
speaks of its "promise." We have little to add to our expressed
opinion, but that little is, that we should be better pleased if there were
less promise and rather more performance in connection with that
The Dublin University offers some interesting reading in the story
of The French before Rome." MR. HANWAY contributes "A Sheaf
of Sonnets." A thoroughly good number this.
London Society comes out strongly in art this month. In the literary
department we have MR. PLANCHI'S pleasant Recollections," some
neat verse by MR. SCOTT, and some Vers de Socidti on Hulingham, by
Mn. LOCEzt, who of course merely glances at it superficially without
going into the question of its brutality. There are several good
papers in the number.
Once a Week contains some readable essays, and a good story or two.
"Table Talk is amusing, but the auction epigram is excruciatingly
false in rhyme, a sad blot on an epigram.
The Arqosy has a charming picture-one of the. best it ever had-
by Miss EDWARDS. "Dene Hollow is getting better as it goes on;
but Johnny Ludlow is tame this month. He is spinning out slender
incident at too great a length. Out of a June Rose is pretty.
IN the Sunday Magazine are some noticeable lines by a blacksmith,
and an interesting account of a tea at a workhouse. The illustrations
are very good in this number, especially that to the "Tale of the
Good Words has but too brief an instalment of the High Mills,"
though there are stirring changes told in it. MR. DoBsoN's verses are
excellent, and MRS. MAYO'S are'good. "The Memorable Morning at
Sedan" is sure to be widely read. The pictures are of the usual
From St. Paul's we miss our friend "Ralph the Heir". much.
MATTHEW BaOWNE on Literary Life" is worth the price of the
The Author of Wagger-Waggerly.
Sm WALTER used to be called the Great Unknown." Would it
surprise you to hear that the real Great Unknown is the Cl-mn-t
in a mysterious case, the hearing of which will be resumed after the
Long Vacation ?
NOTICE.-On Wednesday next,
The Grand Ramsgate Double Number of Fun,
Peywell Bay Punster, and St. Lawrence Court Journal.
PLENTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED. ONE PENNY.
THE ALEXANDRA PALACE AND MUSWELL HILL ESTATE TONTINE.
LEXANDRA PALACE.-Notice to the Public.-Intending Sub- ALEXANDRA PALACE.-Art Union.-500 for a Guinea.
ecribers can obtain tickets to view the Palace and Grounds on application A N
to the Secretary, stating name and address.
ALEXANDRA PALACE.-Arrangements will be made for an early ALEXANDRA PALACE.-Musical Festivals, Concerts, &c.
opening of the Palace and Grounds to the Public, for completing the Railway A
into the Palace, as well as other Railway communication.
ALEXANDRA PALACE.-- The Advantages to Subscribers of A LEXANDRA PALACE. A grand Institution of healthful
Lne GuX ea and upwards, are fuy d etailed in the Prospectus, and Subscribers 1of recreation and elevating instruction, combining the solid advantages of the
A One Guinea and upwards ar fully detailed in the Prospectus, and Subscribers South Kenit Mse it s a smes f hCrystal Pace
incur no liability, aud must benefit. South Kensington Museum with the pleasures end pastimes of the Crystal palace.
LEXANDRA PALACE.-The inhabitants of the Metropolis, and LEXANDRA PALACE AND MUSWELL HILL ESTATE
of the North of London, should obtain the full Prospectus. A TONTINE.-Offices, 5 & 6, Great Winchester Street Buildings, London.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80 Fleet-street E.C.-London: August 19, 1871.
[AuGusT 19, 1871.
Bobby :-"HERE, KATIE, yoU COME AND
WON'T PULL NO MORE LEGS OFF YOUR DOLLY."
k, 4%il 11Fd 17171'
AUOVST 26i 1871.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 233.
LIGHT-house to left of it,
Light-house to right of it,
Light-house in front of it, where the seas thunder;
People bereft of it
Long for a sight of it,-
How many visit it yearly, I wonder
1. "No lodgings to be had," they said,
And offered straw within a shed-
At least there's something overhead!
2. Confound the German bands
Thus solemnly and slow !
When on the pier to them I say
Come presto, please, and go! "
3. Off Thanet's coast the boatmen sails expand,
But there be some who spread their sails on land.
4. With PEG one day
In Pegwell Bay
I tried the lover's tack;
Ah, well! said she,
Upon the sea
One must expect a smack!"
5. Over the wave, as he floats on the wind,
You may tell him he's this, but he heeds not, you'll
6. If DARWIN tells true,
We are sprung, I and you,-
To speak in the plainest of terms, -
From ancestors, who
Were inferior to
These humble tubicolous worms.
7. My Rosis, in town
She doesn't get brown,
She's the fairest of golden-haired misses:
But now, alas, RosE
Sno skin on her nose
All along of Dan. Phoebus's kisses!
8. Enjoy your holidays, my friends, for each
At length like me this fated point must reach!
SO:LUTION O Acnosric No. 231.-Grouse, Bouses:
Gush, Rococo, Ormolu, Umbles, Scrape, Eggs.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC NO. 231, RECEIVED 16th AUG.
-Pimlico Tom Cat; D. E. H.; Ruby's Ghost.
HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
TnoSa who have not been to the Royal Alhambra 'Palace since it
left off being a Pandemonium and became a theatre, would do well to
pay a visit to this renovated establishment, if only to notice the
marked alteration in the place and the performances since the day
when an offended magistracy roused itself and denounced the nymphs
and naiads of Leicester-square ballet. Now all is propriety carried
out to the letter, even at the risk of a little dulness. A Romantic
Tale opens proceedings, and gives MR. J. A. CAVE an opportunity of
displaying his abilities as a patter-singer and pantaloon. Miss AmY
SHERIDAN is a fascinating Mephistopheles, and Miss MinNrI SIDNEY a
pretty peasant. The Battle of Dorking is the joint production of
MESSRS. F. C. BURNAND and ARTHUR SKETCHLEY, and is as weak,
washy and depressing a piece of business as can well be imagined.
In the days of our youth we remember to have seen something very
similar at an unlicensed house in the New Cut, and as it had the
advantage of being without MEssEs. BURNAND and SKETCHLEY'S
dialogue, the Lambeth play was much more successful than The
Battle of Dorking can ever be. MESSns. DEWAR and IRISH struggled
manfully to obtain a laugh, and (for their sakes) we grieve to state
failed dismally. Fun, based upon the principles which guide Cheeks
the Marine and Sergeant Blower through their manifold evolutions, is
apt to fall very flat when an audience consists of persons having the
slightest pretensions to good taste or the faintest idea of jocularity.
MR. SKETCHLEY does not improve when we find him alone. At the
Gallery of Illustration Near Relations," a composite structure, can
hardly be considered a success from an artistic point of view. We
fancy that stories of rich men discovering their relatives' peculiarities
by means of assumed names and disguised appearances have been told
before; we have also a vague idea that a young lady's runaway ponies
have been stopped before by a handsome young artist. On the night
of our visit two songs were omitted from the programme-this cannot
be considered as anything but an improvement, as the chief claims to
notice these ditties possess are based on defiance .of syntaxical rules
and ignorance of scansion. MRns. GERMAN REED plays two characters
(one of them being-nearly identical with that of the housekeapor in
Lad), :-" CAN I HAVE A MACHINE THIS MORNING F"
Proprietor:-" WAL, M'M, I DUNNO! YE SEE WE 'R' WERIY I'LL iHERE
-AND THE FACT IS THE FAMILIES AS SLEEPS IN TiB MACHINES AIN'T UP
"Ages Ago") excellently, and MA. GERMAN REED, who never was
never is, and never will be, like anybody but Mli. GEMAN REED, goes
through the manifest absurdity of changing his costume twice in the
vain hope of looking like somebody else. But that wrinkle of the
nose, that trick of the eye, and-oh!-that paralytic attitude sup-
posed to be suggestive of comicality, can, once seen, never be forgotten.
Miss FANNY HOLLAND sang GANz's melody "Since Yesterday very
feelingly, and ARTHUR CECIL and CORNEY GRAIN did the best they
could with parts possessing neither opportunity nor interest.
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
PAILIAMENT concludes its labours at last. Mn. GLADSTONE says
courteously shut up!" = Scott Centenary Dinners at Edinburgh and
London. Brilliantly successful failures. = Another of H. M. ships
lost. Our fleet is too fleeting = Excursion season sets in. Railway
accidents set in, too! = Mi. GLADSTONE goes to Whitby. Seems to
have been suffering lately from want of Whit-by. = Times reports a
supposed case of Asiatic Cholera. Doctors and undertakers pre-
sent Times with a testimonial for starting a panic. = Man sentenced
to three months' hard labour for drowning a man in a vat of wine.
Ought to have got more than that for spoiling the wine. = London
School Board breaks-up for the holidays. Board only fit to be broken-
up for firewood. = Weather continues hot, prospects of a splendid
harvest. Farmers consequently grumble!
A Con on St. Lawrence.
WHAT is the difference between the fashionable time in London and
the fashionable quarter in Ramsgate ? One is the season and tho
WHICH of the Ramsgate Packets should be invariably used as the
Husbands' Boat ? The Eagle because it's always Eagle-ly looked
THE WATERMAN'S MOTTO roR IST ACGUST.-" There's Life in the
VOL. XIV. J
Au vsT 26i 1871.]
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS ;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
EAR BOY, if you
f- have right on
ous bad bandit
gtiquail before the
eye of A 1, a
t possibly skinny,
t is it ? Why, that
SA 1 has right on
his side Why,
that A l's beat is
equally the Beau-
tiful Path of
grant yeou that at this precise moment of time the boldly burglarious
bad b of Bcrmondscy is not quailing; no, hlie is not; we grant you that
the peeler held tightly, disagreeably tightly, by the garroted artery, is
getting a precious deal the worst of it; we grant you that it does
occasionally happen that it, is so; that the eye of the law gets punched
and variegated in its natural black or blueness, that the arm of the
law gets twisted and even screwed, that the limbs of the law-the
lower ones-have frequently beastly bad boots to keep them in limb-o;
that the tum-tum of the law has to ignaw the pangs of hunger, and
that in fact the law's whole body gets fatigued and tired, weary much
so, but this does not do away with our maxim, this does not prove that
though Virtue gets sent "to the wall" now and again, that there
should be no Virtue; for do you think that in the long run Virtue
ever goes unrewarded ? it never does; looked here, what do you
call this ?
Would the boldly burglarious bad bandit of Bermondsey ever get
this ? Would the boldly b b b of B ever have such billion' and cooin', such
bilin' and coo-ooking as THIS ? Pshaw, lar, maffische, pas da tout, nicts,
yock, nein, niente del tutto, not a bit of it!! for it is to Male Virtue
Triumphant alone such joys are known Look at him. Oblige us by
looking at M V T. Regard, if you please, Male Virtue Triumphant;
is 'e 'appy ? is 'o all there ? is he off his beat beat-ified ? is he in a
lonely suburb or no thoroughfare now, or simply suburb himself,
quite a-no-ther-affair ? does he look delighted, policed, overjoyed ?
does he find too many cooks spoil the broth he revels in ? does he
[AUOGsT 26, 1871.
not know, well know, that 'tis the female cookoo always turns
the nests of other birds to her own private uses, and does
he never find a female cook who does it for him? to be sure,
and would she step out of her her floury paths to dough
it for the b b b b of B ? Would her heart beat behind her stiff coraet
and coarse a-pron for him ? would she employ her witcherries, her
black art, that is her black currant art, for anything but manly
vir-chew ? We have already stated, emphatically stated, that she
would not; that she would decline pudding even a finger out to any-
thing which sugar faith in its purity, that, in fact, she would ......
see him further first, and it is therefore, with this beautiful and inter-
esting moral before us, that we say
Walk, dear boy, 0 walk ever, in the Paths of Virtue; though
they be rough and lonely at times, they are more safe travelling
than the slippery paths of (V)ice, and the reward for so doing
will assuredly come sooner or later in some pleasant form or
other, be it money, love, or cooking, or in the- charming self-
contentment such behaviour invariably brings, and believe us,
oh believe us, though your present lines be hard, they'll quickly
melt into those soft ones which invariably fall in pleasant places,
if you will but only ............ Take the first turning to the
light, and keep straight on!
WE learn from the Civilian that the Civil Service Commissioners
have issued regulations for their examinations, whereby a charge of
ten shillings is exacted from each candidate for a preliminary-and of
one pound from each candidate for a competitive examination. As
each successful candidate is merely on probation for six months, this
system may be easily made very profitable, and we should therefore
much like to know whether the money realized is to go to swell the
revenue or simply to line the pockets of the Commissioners ?
BY A BITTER-BITTEN.
How doth the little busy flea
Delight to lark and bite,
And make one's lodgings by the sea
Unbearable at night I
THE more nautical the out of the clothes, the more certain is their
wearer to cut the nautical.
The ringing laugh of the seaside bell is often a-ppeal for a wedding
The swell at Ramsgate is not always a swell in town-don't trust too
much to a-pier-ances.
Always take your own cigars to a watering place. Sea-weeds are
The Judicious Hooker.
THE Jlillionist is about to commence a tale entitled The Brothers
Troughton. or the Merchant's Venture." Is not this an Irish bull-
ionist for a mercantile novel, The brothers troutin' or all's fish
that comes to the net" ?
APPROPRIATE TREATMENT FOR SHAKERS.-A shake in a blanket!
AUGUST 26, 1871.] ITU N .
i \ ... .
'\. i 1/- ,
[/'r \ fI
''ON THE SANDS!"
90 ]F. 'T I f[AUOGST 26, 1871.
F UN OFFICE, WeVSneday, Aunwt 23, 1871.
A MARITIME MEDLEY.
FRoM Gate of Lud,
To Gate of Ram,
One ceaseless flood,
The people cram;
Oh, after the season is over,
Oh, after the session is done,
Book places per Chatham and Dover,"
For Ramsgate, the region of Fun.
By road or by sail,
By land or by sea,
By rail or by gale,
To Ramsgate they flee;
Come hasten away, Toms, and Harrys, and Sams;
Come where old Neptune dwells!
Come, and make one of the rollicking Rams-
Rollicking Ramsgate swells!
By sand and cliff
They take a boat,
Ad wAnd go afloat,
And .sail away off yonder;
Down by the sea
Dashing so free,
Nobody ever wearies I
Come then with me,
Where you can see,
Beautiful Ramsgate P(i)erie !
To Pegwell Bay,
A SEASIDE BIT T. The cliff and sand,
NEVER KNOWVED SUCH A THING, SIR! You MUST HAVE BROUGHT 'EM And happy land
WITH YOU! Of Thanet's Isle for me I
A PEBBLE IN THE SEA. Ramsgate, instead of being anywhere near a Channel, is distinctly
situated on the German Ocean).
(PREFACE. This poem was written at Ramsgate in the current situated on the German Ocean).
year. During the summer season Pegasus gets lazy, and the follow- THIRD VERSE.
ing effusion has proved a work of time. Its merits, however, are on Time is the ocean of our lives;
the surface, and with a few explanatory notes it is quite sure to find I cast my verses on the tide.
its way to posterity.) And, if my little work survives,
THE POEM. Its author will be gratified.
Old Ocean keeps his ebb and flow And Post erity limay read my rhyme,
In ceaseless -- on the shore : That it was not a waste of time
The briny billows come and go re. To throw my pebble in the sea.
Sad, solitary, but serene, (NOTE.-This verse contains a noble thought. If I write for hours
I watch them in their -- glee; I shall not improve upon it. So I stop here.)
And, when I think I am unseen,
I throw a pebble in the sea. Order Order
(NoTE.-This verse requires an adjective and a substantive. I have MUDDLEHAD (a Subscriber from the First), wishes to ask whether
already thought of several, but am still moody and unsatisfied. Gaene- in view of the Royal prohibition to British subjects as to the wearing
somne is not at all a bad word for the sixth line, but I hope to find a of foreign orders, he will be in future precluded from accepting orders
better one in to my subj rse of laneous reading. Let me now ot admitted after seven) for the Opera Comique and the French plays.
Likewise if he may hang up a proof engraving of the "Order of
Great hopes, ambitions high, were mine Release" he recently purchased at Mr. GRAVES's, and if he may avail
A year or little more ago; himself of an order for two quarter loaves (burnt to a cinder) granted
And fate compelled me to resign by the authorities of St. Pancras, which he found in a first-class
My aspirations, don't you know ? carriage on the Metropolitan Railway. Finally MUDDLEHEAD iS
(NoTE.-The last three words are weak and colloquial. They anxious to know why, if Order be Heaven's first law, there should be
assume too much sagacity on the part of the reader, whose knowledge any law against orders. Go to Bath, stupid.
of my past life naturally depends upon what I choose to tell him.
But I will on.) In One Word.
I little thought-how could I think -In One Word.
MIy destiny so soon would be WE trust that the Temperance and Teetotal Societies will turn
To lie upon the channel's brink, their attention to the excesses in which bathers on the sea-coast
And throw a pebble in the sea. indulge. We can describe their frantic evolutions very brieflydips-
(NOTE.-In the foregoing stanza not a single word has been left to
the imagination. The flow of language is remarkable; though MOTTO FOR THE 9TH HERTS.-"'Ware, HAWKES!
-F- -JS,,.-AuGusT 26, 1871.
V of* ..**-"""" "~
FUTJN.-AUGUST 26, 1871.
A Peri at the -- Gato "
AUGUST 26, 1871.] .
A RAMSGATE ROMANCE.
JnricNs is a comic man,
Dearly loves his joke:
And will fun, whene'er he can,
JINKINS had a friend and chum,
PonjOY was his name;
He was always plunged in fsme
Wild and hopeless flame.
He in love, through thick and thin,
Fell with every fair;
And his heart thereby was in
One incessant flare.
JINxms on his jokes intent,
With his PolrOY gay,
Down to visit Ramsgate went
Just the other day.
JmixNs spent the time in fun-
Oft his friend would vex,
Who in love with every one
Fell of t'other sex.
Down to bathe one morn they hied,
(It was sultry weather)
Their machines, as JINKINs spied,
Stood quite close together.
So when he his dip has ta'en,
JINKINs softly goes
Back to the machines again-
Puts on PonBoY's clo'es!
FoB~oY's things were nice and new,
JINKINs's in rags were !
PosBJO's coat was very blue,
Red and green his bags were.
JINKINS calmly went ashore,
Thought his joke was rare ;
Wouldn't POBJOY just feel sore!
Wouldn't POBJOY swear! "
But not far did JINKINs get,
Laughing at his trick,
When a gentleman he met
With a great thick stick.
Straight at JINKINS did he come,
And on him did fall;
And he thrashed him-rather-some!
Oh, dear!-not at all!
JINKxNs shouted-JINKINs ran,
Screaming for his life;-
Come again now," cried the man,
Winking at my wife."
JINKINm got-in PoB's attire-
Blows for POB intended;
And he did not much admire
How his great joke ended!
A Note and Query.
WE believe EARL GOODWIN was the founder
of the sands which bear his name. We
cannot state whether they were erected from
a plan drawn by an eminent architect, PEG-
WELBAY PUGIN, Esq.
Jenny v. Nanny.
THE City Press recently stated that at cer-
tain hours in the day a Nanny goat was to be
seen browsing in a bit of spare ground near
the Mansion House. Thereupon the Pall
Mail sneers at the City Tres,, as if the City
might not have its little touch of nature as
well as the West End. Nanny's lacteal supply
will not interfere with the business of any
other milk-giving quadrupeds (not being
cows) in the neighbourhood of Northumber-
A GREAT MAN.
Charlie:-"WELL, LOOK HERE, YOU GIRLS! I DON'T SBE ANY FUN IN HAVING TO BIT
HERE ALL THE AFTERNOON A MILE AWAY FROM THE SEA ; AND IF THIS SORT 0' THING IS TO
GO ON, I MIGHT AS WELL GO IUP TO BUSINESS ON MONDAY AND NOT RETURN TILL SATURDAY
-LIKE OTHER MEN "
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Sin,-Science is a humbug! I have been studying chemistry for years ; but I abandon it
in disgust, and have nothing but contempt for its professors.
Among the various dogmas which teachers of chemistry have impressed upon me, none
was laid down with more certainty than the statement that salts are antiseptic, and are
calculated to preserve animal matter from decay for a longer or shorter period according to
the amount of salt instilled into it.
I have now resided a month at Ramsgate. Of the briny nature of the atmosphere I have
hourly proof. My lips are constantly smacking of saline crystals. My hair is full of particles
of salt; and my feet from constant immersion in sea-water are corned like beef.
Yet, sir, will you believe it, this superabundance of salt has the very opposite effect to that
which chemistry taught me to expect. Cold meat placed in the sideboard at my lodgings
evaporates in twenty-four hours. Two legs and the breast of a cold fowl were absorbed by
the sea air in one evening, last Sunday, and even pork-pie has been known to waste perceptibly
in one day.
You will say that the air must be very powerful indeed to consume meat with such rapidity;
but you will not be surprised when I inform you that it is so'strongly absorbent that it
exhausts wine and spirits from bottles which are corked-up.
I defy scientific men to explain away these facts Yours, &c.,
AN OLD SALT.
P.S. I have just discovered another curious instance of the effect of the briny atmosphere.
The sideboard, of which I spoke and which I keep carefully locked, has a marble top, but the
air has had such an effect on the cement that the whole slab is easily removable, so that I shall
be saved the trouble of unlocking the sideboard to get at its contents.
High (ly-o) phen (sive).
THE Echo the other day said that "M. THIEBIS is the hyphen of French politicians,"
because he unites a dozen parties. A hyphen-dash it! This is "hyphen-luting" with a
vengeance. A hyphen is according to the best dictionaries a respectable "character."
Does our contemporary wish to destroy that character by calling it a Mormon ?
Beer, and forbear
THE EARL or SHEnwSBURY has, a contemporary informs us, prohibited the use of intoxi-
cating drinks by the visitors to Alton Towers." Because his lordship is virtuous there shall be
"no more cakes and "-Alton-" ale."
[AUGUST 26, 1871.
-Boatman :-" Ax YERI PARKING, LADIES, BUT I'M RIGHT OUT O'BACCY: YE AIN'T NONE ON YEa GOT E'ER A SC EW O' RACCY
AOI'UT YES "
Dameli :-" TOBACCO! No, OF COURSE WE HAVE NOT! 'WHAT EVER SHOULD MAKE YOU THINK SO?"
BoatWan :-" WELL, [ DIDN'T KNOW ]UT WOT YEit MIGHT HAVE SOME ABOUT YER (a pause) LEASTWATS THE PRICE OF A ScRRW
SAM SARSNET'S SAUNTER.
A RAMSGATE ROMANCE.
MY name is SAnSXET (Christian name SAM) light-portering in a City
house is my vocat'o i, I am thirty-five years of age, and generally
acknowledged to be good-looking. About what I consider to be the
proper height for a- man (five feet one and a half), and with fair hair
and auburn whiskers, I flatter ,myself that I am rather an attractive
person when I go out for a holiday, which isn't often; but then you
know, me and my mates make up for that by going the whole hog
while we are at it. A slight cast in the eye rather adds t) than
diminishes from the strength of my get up at least I think so.
Well, BILL STRINGER and me took a holiday the othk r Monday, and
as I says, BILL," says I, "I'm going to do the toff. None of your
Greenwich or Gravesend tricks, but a right down slap at the seaside,
and we shall take a bit of cutting out. It '11 only cost us a
dollar each to go t) Ramsgate and back, and we can take our own
So it was settled that we should go, and on the morning when BILL
came round fur me, I thought he'd have busted with envy. I'd got
my now two-quid light suit, bound with black braid, on; patent
leather shoes with yellow strings, a beautiful blue sailor's knot tie with
a large pin, and a regular Champagne Charley cadey. I says to
BilL, as I drew on my lemon-coloured gloves and stuck my cane in
my pocket, "Now look here, you'll have to carry the grub and the
bottle." (BILL'S a mean-spirited sort of a cove, he never tries-to be a
gentleman, and so he didn't mind what he carried.)
Of course buying all these new togs had materially reduced my
exchequer; still we'd got enough, as I thought, to see it out comfort-
ably. After paying for our tickets we had fifteen bob left-at least I
had half a crown and BILL had twelve and six. So a bright thought
struck me. Said I to BILL (who didn't know how much I'd got) I'll
pay for the eatables and you can stand the swig." When we'd
arranged this I went round to a shop I knew where they sell stale
'Watling's a tanner a time, and I got two, and wrapped 'em up and
tuok em round to the station where BILL. was waiting, and according
to arrangement I gave 'em to him to carry. Hfe'd borrowed a half-
gallon stone jar, and filled it with six ale. The weather was so awful
hot that the beer only lasted us a little way, and w. had to pay sixteen-
pence for the next half-gallon, which was what I considered an
imposition. I think six ale good enough for anyone, and 1 don't
believe it's a bit better when you have to pay more for it.
We drank all our beer and finished our Iis i j.st before we got to
Ramsgate, and as soon as we left the station I made the best of my
way to the seaside, where I was determined to saunter and ogle the
ladies. Perhaps, I thought, one will fall in'love with me, and then I
shall bid good bye to carrying out silks or any other fancy g oods.
BILL wanted to stop at one or two public houses, but I hurrieoluntil
we got near the pier, and then I sauntered along with my hat on one
side and my cane swinging, and as I passed one or two sweet creatures,
I hummed the timune which the Great Chance has made so deservedly
So he played on the bold bassoon,
But he wasn't quite up to the tune;
For to tell you the truth, my amorous youth,
He learnt on the fifth of June.
Once or twice I thought I'd made an impression. Two or three
young women upon whom I had winked blushed, and turned away, as
though smitten, but as they generally joined some old lady or gentle-
mmn I had no opportunity of pursuing my advantage.
At last I too began to feel thirsty, and we retired to smoke a pipe
and have some more beer, and after three or four pints I felt deter-
mined that no mock modesty should prevent my making love to the
first young lady who seemed agreeable. BILL was by this time
pretty nearly tight, so I warned him to keep a little in the back-
ground; and adjusting my hat and stick I once more commenced my
saunter on the sands. I had not 1 ng to wait before I saw a very
GOOSE OR GULL?
I WOULD I were a gull,
That I might fly to sea,
Whenever I was dull,
Or bored for s. d.
I as a gull had flown
Long since, had I my wish,
With no bill but my own
To settle for my fish.
I would I were a gull-
But wishing's all no use.
My hopes are void and null-
And I am but a goose !
LINES FOR MUSIC.
I r f were a periwinkle,
No cares my brow could wrinkle;
I'd sit all day
On a stune and say,
I'm a happy periwinkle !"
If I were a periwinkle,
I'd sing to the stars that twinkle,
Did ever you see
A chap like me-
A contented periwinkle ?"
If I were a periwinkle
I'd dwell where waves besprinkle
The rocks with foam,
For that's the home
For a cheerful periwinkle.
If I were a periwinkle,
In time my knell would tinkle,
When some one looked in,
And probed with a pin
This pitiful periwinkle.
THE MAIN DRAINAGE.-At a Gin Palace.
pretty gal (one of those I mentioned before) sitting reading. Giving
BILL the office to stop, I sauntered leisurely up and sat down by her
side, and putting on my most killing glance said-
It's very hot to day, isn't it, my dear ? "
She didn't answer, but went on reading. But I wasn't to be stalled
off, and once more went to the charge.
Ah, fond of reading ? I like it myself when I've got time. Did
you ever read the Mysteries'-they're the best things I ever found
in our circulating library. And do you know," said I, quite confi-
dentially laying my hand on her shoulder, I think you're as nice a
gal as any in the Mysteries,' and I've been longing to talk to you all
day, and I"--
Oh, I shall never forget the agony of that moment. A blow like
a thunderclap knocked my beautiful new battle right over my face,
and before I could remove it, a powerful hand seized me by the
collar and a still more powerful arm, provided with a very thick stick,
welted into me with all its might. In vain I struggled and kicked,
and howled and implored for mercy, my tormentor (whom I could
not see, as my hat was wedged right down) never left off until he was
tired- and then that wasn't all. As I burst away from him, amid
such a shout of laughter as I never heard before, I ran, trying to lift
up my hat, but before I could do that I went slap into the sea, in
which I rolled completely over, and I'm sure I should have been
drowned if it hadn't been for a boatman who pulled me out.
Would you believe it-I didn't get a word of pity from anybody ?
I could have got over that, but what stuck in my throat worse than
the brutal attack, worse than the ducking, worse than the sneers of a
lot of bloated aristocrats, was that BILL STRINGER-BILL STRIsGER
who I've looked upon with such contempt for years; BILL STRINGER
who I've taken about and tried to make a man of-he laughed at me
and ran away leaving me without a ha'penny, and was the very first
to shout out next day
Yah! Served yer right! "
Now do you think it did ?
THE wisest.of men must be totally out of his latitude at the
BALD AND BAWLED.
Cabby :-"Now, smi, HERE YAR! JUST THE WERRY TIMING FOR YEB. TAKE
YER OUT FOR A LITTLE FRESH HAIR I "
gmsitotts to Carustre ats.
[ We cannot return unaccepted S.S8. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
WET-TOWEL.-" Brevity is the soul of wit "-we don't find fault with
the brevity of your joke, but with its breadth.
DUNS ScoTus.-There was such a contest at the Crn stal Palace on the
15th. By the way, as you are an authority on antiquities, perhaps you can
tell us which of the Highland Regiments has for its motto the words
*' Porrige Clamorem."
B. (Highgate).-You want to know wha'1 we think of your poem," do
you ? Well, look here! Take off your clothes, lie down flat on your face,
and get an unprejudiced friend to draw a ltrge Tom Cat by the tail down
your back, commencing at the cervical v, riebrm. When he has done so
several times you will have a faint idea of the way in which our feelings
were harrowed by one peru'al of the poem."
CLAMANS.-Would you be surprised to learn that that joke has been
done already ?
G. F.-Pardon! He is discharged for incompo'encc
M.-" The man who raises his hand against a woman, save etc. is not
in Shakespeare, so you lose.
PHUNNIMAN.-It's not the slightest use to keep on keeping on. Abandon
comic literature, and try something respectable.
ADMIRER.-The admiration is mutual; the joke you send appeared in
FUN about two years ago. Thank you !-in such hot weather as this cool-
ness like yours is as good as an ice cream soda I
Declincl with thanks:-Warhawk; Wuzzel; D., Cas letown; F. R,,
Globe-road; Canny Scot; 0. C.; J. F. D. M., Croydon; Nunquam;
Bewildered Scotsman; W. K.; B. Y., Hastings; A. A. A., Nelson-square;
E. C.; W. C., Bedford Row; A. F., Meed's Row; S. 0. W.; Subscriber;
Admirer of Fun, Braintree; Highbury Park Tavern; A C., Upper Nor-
wood; Le M., Newcasile-on-Tyne; Cetera; 4H. P. D.; C. P. T., Horn-
castle; M Liverpool: C. R., Kingsland ; Pumpkin; A Persuider; B. B.;
H. F., Dalston: Seaside Spoons; Flash in the Pan; Englishman; B. D.;,
Tom; Baden; W., Manchester; Bidder.
AUGUST 26, 1871.]
[AUGuST 26, 1871.
OBJECTS OF THE SEA-SHORE.
CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
THE Household Edition of The Works of Charles Dickens seems, if
possible, to improve in the second number. MR. MAHONY's pencil
grows stronger with use, and the general turn-out is excellent, the
printing being better than that of the first number.
Tinsley's offers a feast with many dishes, well served, and garnished
with two illustrations. We should be inclined to say, Don't take too
much of the verse-it's not as good as the other things."
The Atlantic Monthly is very interesting. The Whispering
Gallery" continues the recollections of DICKENS, and Kate
Beaumont" contains strange revelations of the mode of life Down
South in the old times. We miss BRET HARTE-and could afford to
do without such poetry as Miss FonD's Gladioli."
Our Young TFolks is rather stronger than usual. "Jack Hazard" is
good, and the other papers are all very fresh and readable. The
frontispiece is above the average of American book-illustrations.
The Leisure Hour is full of excellent articles, and carries on its new
story with interest, that is not lessened by the clever illustrations from
the pencil of MRus. MAnONY. MR. Timas's autobiography, the papers
about SCOTT, and about America, and the geological essay are admir-
Good Words for the Young lacks a contribution from the Editor, but
the number is full of pleasant reading, and profusely illustrated.
We havehave also received Le Follet, which seems to have drawn fresh
life from its temporary difficulties during the siege of Paris; The
Young Ladies' Journal, The Gentleman's Journal, The Sunday at Home,
Golden fours, The Westminster Papers, and Cope's Tobacco Plant.
A Community of Ideas.
YOUNG RAPID, the stockbroker of Odd and Even Court, Slickneedle-
street, who is backing the red rather heavily just now at Hom-
bourg, has telegraphed to his partner LoosErISH, in London, in words
identical with those imputed to FERR6, the Communist, in his incen-
diary order: Faites flasmber finances et veOnez nous rejoindre." The
English telegraphic clerk translated the message into, Let our finan-
cial affairs go to Blazes, and come out here."
Down Again !
AN Englishman never furls his colours-except on the turf,-where,
during the racing season, the flag falls daily.
WHAT religious sect do you expect to meet with at the sea-side P
The Sandy-main-ians, of course.
NOTICE.-On the 20th of September will appear
The Grand Margate Double Number of Fun.
PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED. PRICE ONE PENNY.
BRYANT & MAY'S D
, PATENT SAFETY MATCHES. ,
SLIGHT ONLY ON THE BOX.
SEPTEMBER 2, 1871.]
TITYRUS IN URBE.
MA-Fair, thine enchantment is over;
The knockers hang mute at thy doors.
Amaryllis has flown (via Dover)-
Alexis has left for the moors.
And the squares in our dullest of cities
Re-echo the notes of my lay,
As I pipe Metropolitan ditties,
And strive to be jocund and gay.
But Hampstead and Highgate are hilly,
And Clapham though dull is discreet:
And, whatever you say, Piccadilly
Is not at all bad as a street.
I can stray by the Parliament Houses,
Or muse from the dawn till the dark
On the innocent mutton that browses
All day in the neighboring park.
I can lounge in the haunts of the fashion
As oft and as long as I please;
Giving scope to my favourite passion
For water, for plants, and for trees.
And, if Nature's complete panorama
Due solace should fail to impart,
I can flee to the shine of the Drama,
To purchase a refuge in Art.
Still I mourn for the close of the season,
I sigh for the friends that have flown:
Though I can't give a definite reason,
Except that I'm lonely alone.
Come again, my adored Amaryllis
(In other words EMILY JANE) ;-
With your sister, Miss FLonaY (that's Phyllis) -
Come back to poor London again.
A Needless Invention.
WE read that a mechanical talking monkey is the
latest show novelty." When we are rather over-
stocked with talking monkeys supplied by nature, it is
merely waste of time to employ science in the construc-
tion of mechanical ones. If the inventor would try
and invent a plan for silencing some of the exist-
ing talking monkeys the world would have cause to be
Mistress:-" THAT'S A CURIOUS LOCKET YOU HAVB THERE, JANE."
Jane :-" YES, MIM IT'S A RELICT OF MY FAMILY."
Mistress :-" A RELICT P "
Jane :-" YEs, MIx! (with solemnity) A 'AIa-'LOON "
LEGER DE MAIN.
A HIPPOSTIc, HYPERBOLIC, PARABOLIC, AND GENERALLY MYSTERIOUS
SERIES OF SELECTIONS.
ALREADY does the racing season of 1871 begin to assume a serious
and yellow aspect-already has the back-end begun to turn its face
towards us, looming in the distance big with the fate of great autumnal
handicaps. The bookmaker and the backer gaze with anxiety upon
crushing imposts and chucked-in castoffs, and doubt and uncertainty
cloud the usually open countenances of all connected with the turf
from princes to punters, when suddenly one of the former seizing a
copy of a famous weekly publication, sings aloud to the delight of his
Oh, after the Ebor is over,
Oh, after the Ebor is run,
A tip worth the egg of a plover*
Is found in the columns of FuN."
This information is, of course, received amid much acclamation, and
the noise consequent upon the intelligence has hardly subsided when
an ;ethereal being clad in the radiant garb by which all great comiques
are known, and holding in his hand three ponies dashes upon the
scene, and rushing up to our old friend, Bright-eyed BILL, throws
himself into an appropriate attitude, and beautifully chants:-
S'elp me, BILL! S'elp me, BILL !
I wants to bet, and I knows you will,
Three ponies to one afore I go,
And if you won't just say so.
Hush! Let us hear the name of the steed which the comique with
the largest circulation in ,the world wishes to back. Softly he bursts
into melodious music, and as he sings the book-makers forget their
cunning, and lay the heavenborn planet three points over the market
Which is worth considerably more than a jewseye or a jewsharp-at least so
far as we are concerned. (Yes. But the rhyme --ED.)
"Oh I know you lay the odds,
With your one two three;
You're as dark as peas in pods,
But you don't have me.'
[Breakdown, in which the bookmakers join.
Yes, I'll pop it down this minute
If you'll take a lamb and skin it,
And let King of Forest win it,
When he runs for me. [Slow musie.
Oh Forest King he's on the wing,
He'll through the Leger stay,
And may my three ponies go out and catch some conies
If ever I cease to lay."
Having invested his seventy-five pounds the star of the evening
apotheosises, and so departs. But like unto splendidly conceived and
wonderfully executed dissolving views, as the comique fades away the
Sporting Laureate appears upon the scene. He strikes his lute and
sings while all are still sleeping. In glowing periods he introduces
the St. Leger horses to the starter, gives the signal for departure, and
"Yes: full a mile is covered ere there's need for a recorder,
But after that the duffers are in most admired disorder,
And as the cracks get nearer home and by the distance show
The first of all the foremost flight is well-bred Ravenshoo.
" Still nearer and still nearer ring the hoofs upon the ground,
The murmur of the myraids has become a tumult's sound,
Four only of the starters can be reckoned in the race,
And in these four there's one of course who cannot get a place.
" Like lightning past the winning post the foremost horse now flashes,
And soon the sight of numbers up the losers' fond hopes dashes.
The third one's found in Ravenshoe, Bothwell's a second glorious,
While the owner of the winner finds that ALBERT is VIoroR-ious."
VOL. lVY. H
[SEPTEMMEa 2, 1671.
FUN OFFICB, Wednesday, Aug. 30th, 1871.
(As sung by the Ministry.)
The Session's o'er,
And we can play,
Released from bore.
There's many a Bill
That we've incurred-
We leave them still,
And off-off, like a bird!
To ocean's line
We will resort;
And there in brine
Will we disport.
In some cool spot,
Our limbs we'll lave-
We oft have got
In water hot-
So welcome cold sea-wave !
Surrey for it!
EAST Surrey may henceforth think very small beer of itself. By
electing Mn. WATNEY, a Tory, as colleague of Ma. LocKE KING, the
Division has divided against itself-has practically erased its vote in
the house-and commits political suicide in a mash-tub!
Fizz v. Physic.
WE fancied that eminent body the "British Medical Association"
had rather arduous and unpleasant work to perform in the way of
tasting drugs, gauging the bitterness of bark, and judging of the
offensiveness of assafostida. But look here! I
We, the undersigned Members of the British Medical Association, having tasted
the various Wines exhibited by Mr. M. A. Verkruzen, of 3. Fell Street, Wood
Street, London, in Palatinate Vines, Moselle and Saar, Red Hocks, Champagnes,
Ports, &c., we feel pleasure in testifying to their excellent character for purity and
If these are the duties of the B. M. A. we should like to be all the
members of the British Medical Association !
Very Poor Law I
THE South Lotendon Press states that:-
Nearly 100 persons were declared by coroners' juries to have died from starvation
or privation last year in the metropolitan county of Middlesex.
Will our contemporary also inform us what amount of Poor Rates
have been levied in the County in the period named ? We ask in the
interest of the Poor Law, and those who, administer it, feeling sure
that the answer will triumphantly prove .that our Poor Law is about
the poorest law ever invented,, and that it is about as poorly managed
as it can be.
Runs in the Blood.
A YroWN girl by name NonMAN has been sentenced to ten years'
penal servitude to correct a propensity she exhibited for strangling
little children. The unfortunate possessor of the aristocratic name was
reduced by an accident of birth to the humble station of a nursemaid.
Had she been in a position more suitable to what TENxvsoc calls
"Norman blood," she would still be slaughtering innocents in happy
THEnRE is no happier season in life than that of childhood
A children'e church has been established in Hackrey under the auspices of a
number of gentlemen. The services last about an hour, and are Epecially adapted
for children and very young persons.
One of our contributors who "sits under" the RyEV. SICxSTcIMIn.cTS
says he wishes he were several young persons.
We glean from the .Musical Standard a remarkable instance of
Passing St. George's Church, Southwark, the other day, we were surprised to
find scarcely a whole pane of glass in the frontwindows of the edifice. On
enquiry, we heard that some official had given orders for the windows to be cleaned
with a powerful lire engine!
That man was finding employment for his relatives, the pumps!
A RHAPSODY ON OYSTERS.
To make my tissues moister,
When'er I wish to royster
(Not that I'm often boister-
Ous), I leave my cloister
(Where ne'er I hear a voice stir).
And then I eat my oyster-
A native-from the shell.
The man who eats 'em scalloped
(I'd sooner take 'em jalaped),
Deserveth to be'wallop'd,
For they are much more golnpt-*
Uous, and also volupt-
Uous-as Ma. TRaoLT.or'd
"THE most ancient progenitors of the kingdom of, the vertebrata at
which we are able to obtain an obscure glance, apparently consisted of
a group of marine animals resembling the larve of existing asoidians.
These animals probably gave rise to a group of fishes as lowly
organized as the lancelet; and from these the ganoido, like the
lepidosiun, must have been developed." Thus far Da. DARWIN, in his
latest published Rebuke to Human Vanity, and Cure-only it will
fail to prove a cure-for Conceited Snobbishness.
We are not bigoted Darwinians, and do not care to be told that we
are descended, remotestly," from larvea, asceidians, lancelets, ganoids,
Jepidosiuns-although we should not in the least mind having had a
great grandmother who was a mermaid-and other nasty gelatinous
substances. Nor do we feel much complimented at the further infor-
mation that our ancestors were amphibians, monotrematc., marsupials,
lemuridoe, and proximately simiadev, or monkeys, either of the Old or
the New World. But thus far we are willing to agree with the sage
who has written .of man's descent-a descent with a vengeance, since
it traces him down to a spoonful of saline jelly. We are ready to
believe-especially when we are standing at the counter of PImm's, or
any other man's oyster shop, that our ancestor, at some period or
other was an oyster.
We say this advisedly; for we love the oyster with a, sternly pas-
sionate affection. We place implicit credence in the theory that an
oyster "may be crossed in love," and in the legend of the bivalve which
came out of his rocky bed smoking a pipe, and humming a comic
song, to salute St. Francis, but being mildly checked for his levity by
the holy man, murmured leccavi," and listened, with a most devout
and edified expression of countenance, to a sermon an hour and three
quarters long. There are scholiasts on St. Francis who declare that
the shellfish in question was not an oyster, but an irreverent mollusc
of a lower order, who interrupted the Saint at the most thrilling por-
tion of his harangue by calling out, "Whelks and Liberty ;" ,but we
have too low an opinion of the intellectual organisation of the whelk
to credit this story.
If we love the oyster-and if we believe that we are descended from
an original "native," why, it may be asked, should we souse him in
vinegar, dredge him with cayenne pepper, inflict on him the additional
indignity of cutting his head off, and then swallow him whole ? Does
a man eat his grandfather: anywhere out of the Cannibal Islands F I
repeat that we are continually eating our grandfathers, aye, and our
grandmothers, and our great. aunts and uncles, and have been so de-
vouring them these many thousands of years past. We partakeiof
them in the shape of salad, carrots, turnips, mangold wurzel, 'and
ultimately of beef and mutton, fattened on the pastures which ,have
been fertilised by our grand-parents aforesaid. Great Csmsandead
and turned to clay," the poet tells us, "may stop a hole to:keep.the
wind away;" but Great CG.SA- may, in the fulness of time,iserve a
purpose even more effectual. We have a very strong idea thatrwe
partook, only the day before yesterday, of a mutton chop into the com-
position of whose muscular fibre there entered a considerable infusion
of "the late C1ESAR of Rome" (as mad MR. TRAIN used to call him) ;
and remarkably tough COSAR. of Rome was.
Not eat an oyster because he is one of your relations! Absurdity!
You who have watched a young mother gloating over the chubby
palms and little pink heels of her first-born-have you never heard
her cry, "The dear little precious darling; I could eat him, i, I
could !" And what candid Benedict can lay his hand on his heart and
confess that he is not, at any moment of time, prepared to eat his
mother-in-law, even at the risk of her disagreeing with him ? She
will do that, uneaten.
Whether you hold that you are descended from the oyster or not, it
is plain that in eating him you only repay the compliment which
he would pay you if he had the chance of doing. so. He would eat
you, for the simple reason that he liked you; therefore do yeu love him,
even as you swallow him. Bless his heart, how good he is! How'fat,
how juicy, how digestible! And the strangest thing is that when you
have eaten your oysters-say to the extent of three dozen-you imme-
"Golopshious is, we believe, the proper orthography of this inelegant but
+ Would it-surprise you to.hear that the eminent author of Barchester Towers
is an accomplished oyster-eater!? I .
diately begin to love all humanity. No man can be in an evil-temper
after he has partaken of an oyster supper; or, better still, an oyster
lunch; and, so- far as we ourselves are concerned, we always keep' a
stack of Exench soas, Prussian silbergro,'hens, Austrian krsntzrws, and
talian cent-simi in our waistcoat pocket, for bestowal on the beggars
in ease-we should lunch, on natives. Oysters and the love of our species
ave inseparably-connected. Why, at Christmas time, should affectionate
nephews an&L niecesrush in shoals to purchase barrels of oysters, which
they despatch to their wealthy uncles and aunts in the country ?
Why? Because they love them so.
How. good are oysters east of Temple Bar! There is alegend- to the
effect that a late respected chief magistrate of the metropolis owed, in-
directly, his fame and- fortune to his laudable custom of lunching every
day, winter and summer, on shell fish. When oysters were not. in
season e, tooLk lobsters,; when the- last-named crustacea were not pro-
enrabik he:indulged in dried salmon or kippered herrings. He was a
pastryeook and his- vast acquaintance with, and love for;, rustacea
andm sa incited him to the: confection of those oyster and lobster
p"ttiestwhich have rendered his name famous. Thence he was led to
mavestigat-he, habits of that pleasing- Natural Phenomenon-we call
'iLpbahnmenon since it isn't a fish, andl it isn't a fowl, and it can
seaeelybe called flesh). and: it decidedly is. not a red herring-the
Tumatar. In the form of callipash and- callipee he offered up the turtle-
on the- altars of Civic Hospitality. That man, ladies andI gentle-
men--a they say at the meetings of charitable associations, when a
peant is.made:of B iowx having walked up from London to Wolver-
haumptor, when a boy; with onemand-ninepence in his pocket, to die
worth three hundred thousand pounds-" that man lived to become
ALmxam Bnmcn-we know not how many times Lord Mayor of
London. For our part, we would sooner die worth one-and-nine-
perice (or less) than a quarter of a million; because in the first case we
should know what. had become of our money, and in the second we
should be painfully uncertain as to whether our descendants might
nct make ducks and drakes of what we left, or whether the Charity
Commissioners, or the Court of Chancery might not, some day or
another, get hold. of it, and play awful tricks with it, as they have done
with-poor A rLEYN'S bequest, at Dulwich. "That man," sir, we will
wager, loved oysters.
Onte eve of a month with an "er".in it (oysters are indifferent in
months which do not end in er"--JoNsoN or WALKE-, we forget
which; or is- the dictum laid down in the Natural History of S/ell-
boime.?)' shall we not celebrate our beloved molluscs? Shall we not
remember the garotters-we mean the grottos-far more enchanting
than the caves of Aklsbera-wbhi.oh we have always held to be a
humbug, seeing that the stalactites look like sugar candy, but are quite
different article in reality. There is no humbug at our oyster shop.
There is truth: that is to say, oysters. And immediately you have.
read this article we advise you to drop. into the first shell-fish ware-
house in your way and lunch. You will have to pay for your colla-
tion, it is law; but the customers in front of the counter may prove so
good-natured that.we should not wonder if somebody insisted on lend-
ing you five-and-twenty pounds before you came out, which would en-
.able you to purchase all the back numbers of FUN, and leave you
besides, a handsome balance to be spent (if you liked) in subscribing
to a testimonial to H.R.H. PRINcE ArTnun, on his getting 15,000
a-year. Or "another way," as Mts. GLASSE says, you might leave
the surplus at the Ftrn office to be spent in dry curaqoa at our next
. P.S.-Tialking of dry "euzraqoa," or curaago," for we never knew
which was. the correct way to spell the word, there is wonderful white
Hermitage atfPimm's, in the Poultry, which we should' advise you (if
anybody lends you the five-and-twenty pounds) to taste.. Ask for the
whste Hermitage-, mind. .iesr d" plus foned qug la couleur de paille doit
dtre bu avec 1 a huitre.s-nothing darker in hue than a rich straw colour
should be drunk with shell-fish, writes BRILLAT SAvAIam; and you
will admit that he knew something about oysters.
THE eilical Times and Gazette very properly condemns the high
heels which silly women of the period are wearing, and quotes a
The other day Dr. W. H. Paneash, of New York, efterpreforming an operation
on a little girl whose feet had been injured by wearing high-heeled shoes," said:
"This is the beginning of a large harvest of such.ecoese."
Of course the harvest will be of corns, with, in addition, a large crop
of other things-it may be-onions t
A Bad Shot.
THE following curious story is from an American paper:-
A crazy man got into a St. Louis judge's seat, and opened court" in a lively
manner by firing pistols at the lawyers.
We cabled for fuller particulars, and are in a position to add, that the
lunatic was udter the idea' thas he- was the judge, and that the pistols
contained nothing more deadly than charges-to the jury.
A COMIC SONG.
AFTER THE MODERN MODEL.
I RECITE the fate with pain
Of our JEMIMA JANE,
A beauteous maid of all-work, born in Little Lampkin Alloy.
(I find much better rhyme a
Name romantic as JEMIMA,
But I think I ought to tell you that her proper name was SALLY.)
* Now this maid: of all-work, she-
For she owned as much to meo
For her lovyer had an officer-I'm telling you no cram!-
orus :-A policeman, of decision,
Who was in the A Division,
And devoted to his country- and a cold log of lamb.
She lived in Brunswick-Square I a-
m assured,, and down the area,
She often would invite him just to pick a bit of supper.
For this very gallant ossifer
Was much of a philossiferi
And was guided by the maxims of the gentle poet TurPia
Which say-" When you can't von'son,
Make a banquet cold boiled hens on:
And regale on bread and butter-if you can't get bread and jam! "
Well, one day, our poor ELIZA,
(I refuse to recognize a
Rule that says a poet. may not call his heroine what he chooses),
Had the terrible disaster
To offend her good kind master,
By forgetfulness to empty the blackbeetles from his shoesets
"The girl who on my fet']ll
Thus depasture a black beetle,"
Said he (his name was, JoHsox) would steal spoons quits sure I aml"
Chorus :-As per account dehvered (it doesn't mes anything
here, but that's no matter.)
So he fetched in, from the street there,
The policeman of the beat there,,
Who chanced to be the lovyer of this poor unlucky Ma r,
(You can call her SALLY mentally)
And happened accidentally-
It being time for supper to be gazing down the airoy.
Her '-cried the master-" BoB, bury
In prison-cell for robbery.
She's capable of robbery who'll boots with beetles cram! "
Chorus as before.
Answered he, From infamation
I etsettrer, to the station
Must remove you, you dishonest girl, and there I'll look you up."
Says she, On mere suspitching
Would you tear me from my kitching-
What you "-and here she quite broke down, for grief o'er-brimmed
But he fiercely pulled his stock up,
And he bore her to the lock-up,
(He's quite the incorruptiblest policeman that e'er swam).
Chorus, as before (and with some slight relevanco this timo)
To search her boxes next he went-
But very soon was vext he went-
For though he found no stolen goods, it held a carte do wisiit-
A private in the Fus-i leers,
At SARAH MARY whose eye leers,-
So he took the picture to her and he asked of her," Who is it ?"
But when she said her brother "
He responded, You're another!
So for ever and for ever I must say bong fure, ma-dam "
Chorus, samples submnittedt (quite- dpropoa at this juncture.)
Chorus-ar before. (It will do as well as anything else.)
Strike only on the box."
A YANKEE paper says:-
A man in Louisville advertises trunks you can throw out of a fourth-storey
windoww without injury."
We should think the statement requires qualification. How far one
can throw a trunk from a fourth-story window without injury"
depends on whether the street below is' suffiently crowded to break
the fall of the trunk.
SErTEMBr. 2; 1871.]
F TUIN-.-SEPTEMBER 2, 1871.
Br'ce:-" I SAY, A'RT*N, THIS IS BETTER THAN THE H.OT WATER WE HAVE BEEN IN LATELY!"
If'U -SEPTEMBER 2, 1871.
THE PARTY THAT WENT AWAY WITHOUT SETTLING HIS BILLS.
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
.A soom is thefsort of friend to have; it has .notonly occasionally
,dogf ears, buthas always a dog's fidelity,to its owner, for, as some one
iams Baid, you. can take him up or put him down, or shut him up, or
even.'Wt Aiim,.just as you think fitwithout his feeling it. What-a
;ipyi~taswomen don't care for books, that is books that teach 'em any-
tilng, fr,alas, as na rule they think more of HIS story than history,
mnra -of ribbon than 'GrasoN, more of .a bookay than of a book
ably written, more of what they can get for ..... w. e lire sterling
than of what they can get from ..... un sterling livre, and far, far,
far more of a page in . buttons than in . struction!
Well, well, pretty darlings; belles are only meant for ringing, so we
mustn't-complain .if they are a trifle hollow.
Idleness was the mother of Boredom: the active-minded man is
like a bright fresh clear runningstream, not necessarily a babbling "
one; the idle, mildewy brained party, au contraire, is like a stagnant
old pond,.ofno use, no earthly use but for feeding ducks . .
(at Greenwich or Richmond), and the ducks are quite right to try and
.. clean him out.
":'ver tell a Government clerk he has ...... nothing to do; or you
wound him thereby in a Whitehall part!
P.S. Good name for a Home-office or Treasury feller: Whitehall
Agreeable form-iin a Victoria for instance-of "in medio tutissimus
ibis": sitting bodkin!
SLife is 'a journey towards' Death," -says some very cheery old
sage! Aha! do -it -pooty fast and comfortably though, some of us
human racers along life's Via, life's flower strewn V.R. lh P do the
V.R. in a Victoria I Ah Victoria Victoria, victoria viotoribus,'but for
the victis-fe-ar, and V-R-ful Va !
[P.S. The reader will kindly notice that each of our four horses has
been carefully made an historical-Italian operatic-character,; each
one of them is ...... ANNA BOLINA in fact, there could not be four
annabols more lena!
Procrastination is the thief of time! it is: the only sort :of delay
which is at all good for anything is a roun-delay!
P.S. We never hear this word roundelay without thinking of a
garter: don't'you seeF a roundelay and-around a leg! Honi aoit
quifemale y pense! don't be insuch a precious hurry to find fault; we
mean HENRY TaE EmnTrH's.
In crossing a muddy road on a dark night try and do it opposite a
lamp, that its light may enable you to avoid puddles, &c., &o., &o. ;
so in Life's road if you would make it a Via happier, let good nature
be your lamp; for there is nothing positively nothing, which acts so
perfectly as egis against all the bores of life as good humour; humour
say what you like, but there isn't.
JoNEsoN swims quite wonderfully, and floats like a cork: he
accounts for it by saying he has such a very large and such a very
light heart: well, he may be right, but we should have attributed it,
not so much to the vastness and lightness of his heart, as -to 4the
complete emptiness of . his head.
Flowers of Speech: Sesquipe-dahlia verba !
Do you know what the effect of dining with a screw is ? Why
. getting bored!
People are constantly saying "we can't do two things at once":
wish they couldn't, then they wouldn't talk with their mouths full.
It is not only in France the tongue is called langue; not at all;
plenty of people have very langue, exceedingly long tongues in
London : but this is a theme we will not lingua over.
You complain of the English way of spelling words ending in
"mough do you ? And you also object to tongues not being apelt as
pronounced, tungs: Ha! ha! quite so; but don't you know why
tongues are spelt more like tongs than tungs, eh',P Why . .
it's to give you a hint to hold yours.
WE clip this about cattle disease from a provincial journal:-
On Monday night it was reported that five separate outbreaks of this deoease bad
occurred in the Malton division of Nerth'Yorkshire. Of these four are cows, in
three different places at Hutton; five are Irishyrie8ts, at Amotherby; tod one is a
We suppose this must be an attempt by MR. WHALLET to coTOnect the
Cattle Disease with the Catholic Clergy. It is about the only evil of
which.he has not declared them to be the originators.
Bart and Bard.
\VE are glad to see that a baronetcy has been offered-we won't say,
as the paragraph now going the rounds says, to'" M' 'JOHN OItnser,
of Blackheath," but- to JOHN Gi.Bn T, the artist of England, "with
which is incorporated" the whole of the art-loving world. When
managers tell us that SHAKESPHBA means Bankruptcy, we can reply
that when properly illustrated he spells Baronetcy!
A-Rousby then, my merry, merry' men.
Mu. and Mas. Roesvy take a well-earned benflt n'Thurt~d4yana
Friday. Herd's luck to them!
SBPTBMB a 2, 1871.]
106 F U IN [SEPTEMBER 2, 1871.
SINCE the days when JULLIEN introduced the promenade concert into
this country, it has been a deservedly popular institution among all
ranks of society; and in no place is this species of amusement seen to
so much advantage as at Covent Garden Theatre, where the vast pit
and stage, and the airy Floral Hall offer opportunities for the most
indefatigible promenader, while the fine auscultatory qualities of the
building enable the musical connoisseur to appreciate the most delicate
solo. At the same time the lover of noise cannot grumble; and thus
promenade concerts, properly conducted, apply themselves to the tastes
and peculiarities of so large a section of the community, that they are
almost always great pecuniary successes. The present series of
concerts, under the management of M. RIVIERE, is, we think, a first-
rate specimen of its kind, thanks particularly to the energy and tact
of MIR. EDWARD MURRAy, and the great musical taste of MEssRs.
RIVIEtE and ARTHUR SULLIVAN. All the performances are so good
that it is singularly hard to find anything deserving special mention-
if there is anything it must be the clever manipulation of musical
glasses by MR. ARTHUR U'Lincol-,.
Ocu able and ingenious friend the penny-a-liner is to be congratu-
lated on the success with which he has made much out of little m this
The large county ef Down enjoys a gratifying immunity from crime. The
calendar at the present assizes contains only 11 cases, of which but one-in which
three railway officials are indicted for negligence causing loss of life-is of any
public importance. Mr. Justice Lawson, who opened the commission on Saturday,
remarked with satisfaction that, not only was the county free from all serious
crime, but that convictions for intoxication were decreasing.
All of which means, in a nutshell, that Down is looking Up.
THE authorities at the Admiralty have crowned a long list of
blunders! Look here! The Broad Arrow says :-
Pylades, 17, screw steam'corvette, Captain A. C. Strode, was ordered to be paid
off at Gibraltar on the 25th'ult., and discharged her old crew to the Orontes.
Lamentable instance of ignorance of classics :-Of course Pylades
would only part with his (s)crew to Orestes-not Orontes !
THE Gardener's Magazine contains a somewhat startling advertise-
GARDENERS TROUBLED WITH THE ABOVE WOULD DO WELL TO TRY
cc W- 'S BLIGHT COMPOSITION" for their DESTRUCTION.
We have heard many gardeners complaining that the blight has been
very injurious this year, but surely their hopes are not so terribly
blighted that they need to seek refuge in self-destruction!
A Wrong Conclusion.
THE Pall Mall says:-
The age of South Kensingtons and Cook's Excursions is likely, a prioi to be
one also of ballets and burlesques.
We recollect a certain burlesque entitled Mumbo Jumbo for which
South Kensington was accountable ; but what on earth has either
ballet or burlesque to do with a system that simply facilitates foreign
travel, and enables men of moderate means to make the, tour which
was supposed to finish one's education, but was (like most education at
one time) too expensive for general use ? We cannot help thinking
a priori is not the right term to apply to this form of reasoning.
WE are informed by the Foresters' Monthly Journal that:-
There are now 12 peers belonging to the Ancient Order of Foresters-viz., the
Duke of Cleveland, Duke of Rutland, Marquis of Camden, Marquis of Normanby,
Marquis of Townshend, Earl de Grey and Ripen, Earl of Feversham, Earl of Hare-
wood, Lord Hawke, Lord Leigh, Lord Londesborough, and Lord Monson.
The number of Foresters among the peers is clearly to be ascertained
with ease. It would occupy more time and space to enumerate the
" wood videe SPENCER) men, or even the odd fellows in the Upper
Nolumus leges mutate.
A GRUMBLER, whose dog did not win a prize at the last Crystal
Palace show, says he knows nothing about the Persians, but he knows
that the law of the Meeds ought to have been altered!
SxBrrvnxa 2, 1871.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 234.
Toil and trouble,"-
Through the turnips and the stubble :
At coveys stray;
Is it not our opening day'!
1. For this he yearned-
At length contrived to reach;
But when 'twas earned,
Not such, alas, his speech!
2. Let dogs delightfto bark and bite,
And bears and1ions growland light"-
So sang the ast WATTs rif yore,
,And, like e beastss, 1iAeet were four.
'3. When in Rome'searly days the rrtuEK s TAtQuzN
'W. ild fain a victory o'er that learned nerk win;
Els.-weapon NAVius used in such a way
Asimakes us wish.to spell him with a K.
*4. WVhen with Dame Quickly, you recall,
The fat. knight's wrath grew hot;
'.She yvwedthis shirts were holland, all,
1ei vowed that they were not!
5. This kind of trombone
:To the ancients was known,
In that very remote and dim age,
,When the.monarch great
Erectedia wonderful image.
imassa or Aenosrie No. 232. -Sir WalZ'r, Can-
tenaww:Mracenic, Isabelle, Ronan, Watt, Alpine, Locih-
levn, M3arnda, Elshender, Rob-Roy.
CoMACu SOLUTIONS Op AcnormIC No. M32, RjiCzrD Amnat
23ra.-4-harley and Ti; Ruby's Ghost; Pik.
WE are informed that the Rothschild family is about
"to celebrate the Centenary of the Banking House to
which it owes its fortune." Would it not be morecor-
reot to describe the celebration as a Jewbilee ?
MorTro Fon A CAT Snow.-Come to the Scratch!
"FROM BAD TO WORSE"
Sandy :--"WEL, ArnDAy, AN' How ARE YE THB DAT?"
Andrew:-"EH, SANDY, MON, I'M NO VEaRA WR.L, MY HEED .'8 UNCO
Sandy.:-" IT kAU N BE THE WHUSKY. IT'S A BAD THING THAT WHV SKEY 1
Andrew :-" AYE, AYE I-ESPrECIALLY bad WHUSKBY I"
OUR SHORTHAND NOTES.
FAST ,Surrey returns WATNzY, and thereby politically extinguishes
itself. Well, as it takes so much of his beer, we don't wonder it
.swallows his politics. = Foresters' Fete at Crystal IPalace. Lots of
Jacks-in-the-green, but they reminded us less of the 1st of May than of,
the 5.th of November. = Session ends. It is hoped that during the
recess BauCE and AT.RTON will learn the charms of Retirement. =
ADMIrAL FISE rOnuNEu takes MR. REED to task. Serve him right! =
Renewed rows among St. Pancras Guardians. Oh, for a whip in
every honest hand "-and Bermondsey should not be the principal
parish'for well-tanned hides! = Prospects of the spice crop at Banda
don't look spicy. Manufacture of wooden nutmegs consequently look-
ing up. = Meeting at Dublin in favour of "Home Rule." Like
Charity, it should begin at home. When they show they can rule
themselves at home-well, we will see! = Pigeon-shooting match at
Baden. We -wish all pigeon-shooters would go to-Baden! =
EMPrnon or BRAZIL visits Hamburgh. Hope he won't go tasting the
local vintage! = JOe GLBERT is to be a Baronet. Should be created
St. Pancras Again !
WB learn from our able and active contemporary, the Parochial
Critic, that one of the members of the St. Pancras Board of Guardians
-no! it wasn't W.ATKrIs-obliged the meeting with a verse or so of
Champagne Charlie" the other day. We did hope that we had
heard the last of the disgraceful uproars of this unhappy parish, but it
seems it is still to be notorious for
"tbe noise of folly,
Most music-hall, most melancholy."
The nf-me of the parish had better be changed; for the usual represen-
tation of St. Pancras, as "with a youthful countenance, bearing a book
and a palm branch, and treading upon a heathen," is scarcely appro-
priate tosuch a parochial bear-garden.
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are aosn-
paned by a stamped.and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourseltv
responsible for loss.]
Boscn.-If you can't see "ny," you must be shortsighted.
SDBMENs.-We never touch on questions of faith. Moreover, we don't
like to see "dog eat dog," as in the case of .Demens attacking Anenms.
F. W. (Haveratock Hill).-Poetry may be verse, but all verse is not
poetry, and is but too eften the re-verse ;-therefore by in-verse proportion
there be more poetasters than poets.
XMAs.-It will appear as usual, only rather better.
CHnALEs.-Marry, come up! The First Charles was executed for a
smaller offence than trying to father a Joe Miller. Have a care 1
QuEnxST.-It's correct. English subjects born at tea belong to B opney
parish, but may be said to be born in Barque-shire, especially if she doesn't
carry square fails on the mizzen.
H. H.-Forbear I Be not so profusely complimentary, lest we suspect
you of throwmg your love where you send your-copy.
APOLLO.- You should know that non semper arcum tendit ApoUo,"
not to mention also aliquando dormitat Homerus." He was caught nap-
ping that time!
YouO HOPEFUL.-The Cornhill or Belgravia.
E. B. (Liverpool).-Thanks.
Declined with thanks:-G. C., Hammersmith; E. S. M, Otto-street;
F. K., Manchester Athenmeum; G. S. P.; H. S., London Bridge T'oodles
British Ass, Edinburgh; Roaring Boy; E. MoD., Southwark; Bung
P. A. E., Englefield-road; G.; D. A. 0.; Multum in Parvo; Tb.
Outrageous; Elector; F. B Kingsland: S. L. M.; X. Y. 2.; Constan
Reader; R. D., Liverpool; Peter the Wild Boy; S. F. J.; East Surrey
W. W. W.; T., Manchester; Jack o' Trumps; R. D. D.; Tommy;
Scot: A Festive Cuss; M., Penge; Theobald's-road.; Peradventurt
Joe-King: F. S.; G. T., Loads; B., Bolton; F. A. R.; Frank; Tootc
cums; S. S.
[SEPTEMBER 2, 1871.
Tottic :-" MAMMA. DEAR, DIDN'T YOU SAY A NEW SERVANT OUGHT ALWAYS TO HAVE A CHARACTER WITH HER?"
Mamma :-" YES, DEAR! WHY ?"
Tott'e:-" THEN, HADN'T AUNTIE BETTER GO WITH JANE WHEN SHE TRIES FOR A NEW PLACE. I HEARD MR.-
WONDERFUL CHARACTER AUNTIE WAS! "
TURNING OVER NEW i LEAVES.
THE author of Is Lady Clara Dead ? (ARNOLD, Liverpool-street) has
elaborated an old manoeuvre, familiar to readers of sensational stories
published in instalments, which break off at a moment of breathless
interest with the placid formula" to be continued in our next." With
this ancient manoeuvre is combined in this case an ingenious form of
advertisement, the vale of which however will greatly depend on the
success of the novel, the third volume of which winds-up thus :-
Those of my readers who are desirous of unravelling that mystery-(i.e. "Is
Lady Clara Dead? ")-and following the further fortunes of Cecile Melville and
Chester Lewis can do o by reaching the sequel Was it a Murder 1"
To write three volumes of a novel and call it "Is Lady Clara Dead ?"
and leave that question unsettled in the end is rather a long-winded
joke; but to ask those who have got through those three volumes to
attempt three more of the same kind becomes almost cruelty.
Who is not tired of imitations of Dame Europa's School, and con-
tinuations of The Battle of Dorking ? We are heartily sick of them,
we confess; and therefore, Thle Battle of Berlin (TINsLEY, Catherine-
street) coming before us with an illustration OR the wrapper, which is
the reverse of inviting, we must be pardoned, if finding nothing by a
random glance here and there to commend its perusal, we "order it to
SMITH SAY WHAT A
The' last volume of the Select Library of Fiction, published by
pMuESSRS. CHAPMAN AND HALL, is a reprint of A anOcean Waif and other
stories from the facile and varied pen of MAi. GEORGE MAN VILLE FENN,
one of the best of our tellers of short stories, no less than a clever novelist.
There will be few books as popular at the price among holiday-makers
as this sparkling collection of tales.
The Comic Readings of MR. EDMUND ROUTLEDGE would be 'without a
fault had he inserted the original "Twins" of Ma. H. S. LEIGH, as
published in the Carols of Cockaigne, instead of an anonymous version,
disfigured by the vulgarities of the ordinary comic singer. With this
exception-and had the genuine article presented itself in competition
with the adulteration we are sure it would have been preferred by the
editor-the selection is admirable.
A Danish Invasion.
The Church of St. Clement Danes is to be pulled down to make room for the new
Law Courts."-Vide Daily Papers.
THE Law and Prophets of the Jewish nation
Were cancelled by the Christian Dispensation:
But here the Law will with its Profits perch
Upon the site of the abolished Church.
THE<` ALEXANDRA PALACE AND MUSWELL HILL ESTATE TONTINE.
ALEXANDRA PALACE. A Charming Palace, with about 500 acres of beautiful Land (Freehold), within a radius of six miles only from Charing Cross.
ALEXANDRA PALACE. Intending Subsciibers can obtain Free Passes for the Palace and Grounds on application to the Secretary.
T.LEXANDRA PALACE. Arrangements will be made for an early opening of the Palace and Grounds, and for completing the Railway into the Palace.
.LEXANDRA PALACE. The advantages to Subscribers of One Guinea and upwards are fully detailed in the Prospectus, and Subscribers incur no liability,
and mu-t benefit.
kLEXANDRA PAEAOE. This will be a Grand Tnstitution of healthful recreation and elevating instruction, combining the solid advantages of the South
Kensington Muscu.u with the I.ghter pleasures and pastimes of the Crystal Palace at Sydenham.
THOS. DIXON, See. Offices-5 & 6, Great Winchester Street Buildings, London.
. ii ted by J UDD & .0., Pienix Works, at. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons and Published (f)r the Proprietor), at $0 Fleet-street E.C.-London: September 2 1871.
SEPTEMBER 9, 1871.]
The Cinpetitors with Garden Produce.
The Visitors awaiting a distinguished Personage.
The Distribution of the Prizes.
GRAND FLOWER SHOW AT PENGE.
(FROM OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.)
FROM my youth upwards I have passionately loved Flowers, in their
almost every shape; and especially in conjunction with caulis, boiled,
with melted butter. MR. FLOWERS the magistrate and I have always
been firm friends, I call him my Elder-Flower; he calls me his dock-
I have ever loved Penge, too; albeit Penge may not be aware of the
fact. The world knows nothing of its greatest men. My great-uncle
was a Pengener.
As for the EMPEROR NAPOLEON-there! if that man had a hundred
thousand pounds that he didn't know what to do with I'd borrow them
of him at five, and lend them to him at sixty per cent., and never
charge a sixpence for stamps. That's the opinion I have of that ill-
used sovereign. My wife cries when I tell her about him. I told her
about him last week; with a wellington boot. Her cries were bitter.
Judge then of your Special Commissioner's delight and exultation
when, early on Saturday morning last you instructed me to proceed to
Penge, where at the annual Show of the Horticultural Society of that
delightful and hospitable hamlet the ex-Emperor was confidently ex-
pected to be present. He had courteously accepted the invitation of
Penge, and I as courteously accepted yours. I inclose my report of
the proceedings. A cheque by return will &c., &c.; and I may mention
that the two extra guineas in my little account are for the services of
a short-hand writer whom I took with me to report the speeches of
the illustrious guests. A knowledge of stenography is not among the
accomplishments of special commissioners.
The EMPEROR NAPOLEON III. arrived at Penge by 5.43 down train,
which had come special from Chislehurst by way of Anerley Junction,
Barking Creek, East Grinstead and Woking Cemetery: stopping at
Mortlake to take in Ma. MARSH NELSON and family. The engine, which
was sumptuously decorated by the flags of all nations, heather bells,
bow bells, and justly killed grouse, was driven by the Chairman of the
Company in person, and his beautiful and accomplished bride. His
Imperial Majesty was accompanied by Her Imperial Majesty the
Empress EUGENIE, and His Imperial Highness the PRINCE IMPERIAL,
who rode on the tender, and smoked the whole way. The Emperor
wore a rich chocolate surtout (FRY's) fawn-coloured pantalettes to
match, a panama hat, and an arquebuss. The Empress was attired in
a sumptuous redingote grise with six inches of tulle bouillonn6c and a
viscount's coronet. The PRINCE IMPERIAL wore the undress uniform
of a Bon-vivant with the grand cordon of the Order of Discharge.
Their Majesties were attended by the Princess de la MIOSKORA, the
VOL. XITV. L
Duchess of ABRnANTE, Madame Ia MARICmIALE DxvousT, Madame de
STAEL, Mademoiselle M3.As, Madame TUSSAt 1n, and other ladies, and
by the Dukes of VALMY, Ga k.AIOXT and DECAZES ;M3arshal TuRENNE,
Marshal SAXE, General BOUM, the an'am-luke ROUSTAN and M. BOUr-
RIIENNE, Private Secretary.
On their arrival at the entrance to the show-ground, where was
stationed a Guard of Honour from the 136th East Kent Administra-
tive Battalion Irregulars, Licut.-Colonel LisTox in command, their
Imperial Majesties and suite were received by a distinguished circle,
including the Mayor and Corporation of Penge, the Chairman and
Committee of the Penge Floricultural Society; the Earl of MouNT-
BLANK, MR. JOHN SrTUART MILL, Lords SYDENHAM, ANERLEY and
PENGE; Sir GII'SEY HILL, Lord LOWER NORWOOD, Sir DULWICH
Coc aox, the Reverend (AMBMERt ELL-GREEN, and several other cele-
brities, including Mn. SEPTMIUS SPLODGER of the London press, MRas.
SPLODGER, the MISSES SPLODGER (2) and MASTER SPLODGEn. The
Emperor, Empress and suite shook hands cordially with MR., MRts.,
MIssES and MAST iR SPLonGER.
The distinguished party then walked round the tents, whore the
floral and pomonal specimens were exhibited, and expressed the utmost,
satisfaction with ., ..-: they saw. On returning to the pavilion
the band struck up a variety of appropriate airs, including Old John
Brown," "The Canadian Bost-song," and Pappa Come Home."
Subsequently the Mayor of Penge (who officiated in the absence of
Mr. To'i HooD, unfortunately detained in London by indisposition)
presented his MAJESTY with an address, and the largest prize parsnip
as a souvenir of his visit.
In returning thanks, H.T.M. remarked: Gentlemen, this parsnip
is the happiest day of my life (H.I.M. proceeded to decorate the bene-
ficent esculent with the cross of the Legion of Honour). Gentlemen,
I shall wear this parsnip at my watchguard; and you know the guard
dies but never surrenders. Gentlemen, from my heart I thank you."
(Loud cheers. H.I.M. then sat down, visibly affected; but immediately
rising, shook hands again with Ma. SPLODGERs and family, and falling
on the neck of LIELT.-COL. LISTON, decorated' that gallant officer with
the order of Military Merit.)
Mn. JoiN STrLAIT MILL then proceeded to distribute the prizes,
prefacing the courteous act by a brilliant speech, in the course of
which he said that invigorated as he felt by the presence of his old
and beaming friend SPLODGERS, if he might call him so, he-
Stop, stop, stop !-stop, I say. (Editor of FUN loq.) Stop the Press!
This isan impostu. This wretched man, SPLODGERS, was the Special
Commissioner despatched to Penge to describe the Flower Show; and
he has evidently never been near the place. The EMPEROR NAPOLEON
III., as the villain remarks, had courteously accepted an invitation to
be present, but at the last moment his majesty was unfortunately pre-
vented from coming. The Flower Show was nevertheless a great
success, and gave the utmost satisfaction to a large and brilliant assem-
blage. And it was not M3. JoHN STUART McILL (unscrupulous SPLOD-
GERS !) who distributed the prizes. It was MR. C H. MILLS, M.P.,
who commenced the distribution, and made a capital prefatory speech;
and when MA. C. II. MILLS was compelled to leave the ground to catch
an early train, the distribution was continued by MR. ToMt HooD (who
was present, and was not detained in London by indisposition, oh,
most mendacious SroD ERS !).
P.S.-We have discharged SPLODGnas. The hardened man says
that he doesn't care, as a brilliant engagement has been offered him
by a daily journal in want of spicy" correspondence.
SEA AFTER SESSION.
HURRA-t, for Ozone
To give you tone !
Let every member and Minister
Be off for a trip,
And take a dip,
After a session so sinister!.
Let them plunge in the main,
To recover again
Their liberal hale constitution.
They will need all their strength
NWhen next session at length
Approaches by Tine's revolution.
So hurrah for the sea,
And "pray, MR. G."
Says Britannia, ihe famous in story,
"This talked-of reaction
To give satisfaction
Must a healthy one be-not a Tory' "
To Gun-makers with a turn for Experiments.
To construct a poe feet rife,-let your thoughts run in a groove.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 235.
ONCE again the golden grain
Is heaped upon the groaning wain,
And lo, the shouting rustic train,
Whom plenty's smile
May well beguile,
March gaily on through field and lane,
And sing the crops in cheery strain.
1. Broken is each slender string,
O'er which IERNE used to fling,
With touching grace, her taper fingers;-
Yet still the ghost of music lingers!
2. Comes it, so clear and pale,
From plant or rock or whale ?
'Tis fouid beside
The rolling tide,
But what it is, to learn we fail.
3. The victim of both love and hate,
Pursued by unrelenting fate :
He saw his bride devoid of breath,
And sought her in the realm of death:
And ever their sad tale to hear
Will tender maidens drop a tear.
4. A rollicking roving life,
Devoid of care and strife,
I am thought to lead,
But it's not so indeed,
When the winter, it cuts like a knife.
5. Holland the New
Boasts wonders a few;
And there, as I've heard;"
You meet with this bird.
6. He sneers at all that's good and true,
Believes in nothing,-he won't do
For reverent folks like me or you.
7. 'Tis more than a fathom, you'll know it perchance,
As a measure of length that is common in France.
SOLUTIOrN Or AcROSTIo No. 233.-Raasgate, Foreland: Roof, Adagio,
Miller, Salute, Gull, Annelida, Tan, End.
SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC, No. 233, RECEIVED AUGUST 31st.-J. 0. P.; Kitters.
A Bank Holiday.
THE result of the East Surrey Election has created some alarm
amongst the occupiers of wharfs and other premises on the riverside.
We hasten to allay this anxiety, by assuring these terrified people that
there is no possibility of MaR. JAMES WATNEY's making his maiden
speech until next session. We will give them due notice of that ora-
torical feat, so that they may have ample time to insure their premises
against any possible conflagration of the Thames.
A CONTEMPORARY states that :-
Ma. DAVID DUNCAN, of Manchester has been disowned by the society of Friends
-that is, deprived of all the privileges of membership-for taking the chair at one
of the recent lectures by the Rev. Charles Voysey.
It would seem that the Friends have a limited horizon, and make up
for their broad-brims by narrow views.
Where Charity Begins.
WE clip this from the South London Press :-
Several London charities have within the past few days received anonymous
donations of 1,000.
We know of one charity which has not had such a donation, although
it assists (for the small sum of one penny weekly) countless thousands
to grow fat (by the aid of hebdomadal doses of cacehination). We
suppress the name of the Charity for obvious reasons, merely stating
that if the thousand pounds is sent under cover to us we will see that
it is properly applied.
The City Press says:-
The coloured stocking controversy has been revived once more. We are assured
that if we will insist upon decorating the lower part of our persons we stand a
good chance of getting poisoned by our finery.
We don't see why there should be any controversy on so simple a
matter. It is obvious that if you will buy a coloured style of stocking
you must ultimately put your foot in it!
FTJI-U .-SEPTEMBER 9, 1871.
SEA AFTER SESSION.
Mrs. B.:-"-NOW. EWART. LOOK AFTER THEM WELL. SO THAT WHEN WE GO BACK THERE WILL BE NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"
SEPTEMBER .9, 187f.]
A SAD STORY
On land or main
Shall I my love encounter !
To my joys' sum
The end has come,
Or I as to amount err
Oh, never more
On sea or shore,
Or on the pier at Broadstairs,
Shall we two stand-
So Time's rude hand
From -life its brightest gauds tears !
No more I wis,
Of dreams of bliss,
Can Hope now prove the bolsterer!
She's gone away!
She married an upholsterer.
"To be taken as Red."
BRADLAUGH .said that his impudent.plan
Of a meeting held in Trafalgar Square
" Drove of Wild Beasts a caravan
Through a Parliament Act "-and the
beasts were there!
Tit for Tat.
Po.r Law is the worst in the world."
For all that aggravates us,
We've Compensation's sure law.
Thus while the Poor. Law rates us,
Why, we can rate the Poor Law !
NOT TO BE TAKEN TOO LITERALLY.
Customer: -" OH, MUM, IF YOU PLEASE, MUM, A PENN'R010H 0' BRAINS, PLEASE MUM!"
Mum:-"BRAINS, sMY DEAR !-I AIN'T GOT rONE."
IN THE GREEN ISLE.
Br oUn MOST VERDANT CoXTRIBTIom.
Gresham Hotel, Dublin.
I AM aware, Mr. Editor, that reportorial notices are nothing unless
they are graphic and picturesque-that they will command no atten-
tion unless they present a vivid portrait of the places visited and the
manners and customs of the visitces; and so, having by means which
I need not here mention, wound myself up to the requisite pitch, I
It was on a dark and gloomy morning in the month of August, One
thousand eight hundred and seventy one, that the limited mail
suddenly dashed out of the Euston-square station. [I don't think
that is exactly right, as the train was expected to start; and therefore
its departure was not sudden; but it sounds well, so no matter.] I
need not particularise the train's occupants beyond stating that in a
first class compartment were two young and vigorous pressmen- one
of whom was plain and wore spectacles-the other was handsome and
toyed gracefully with an eyeglass. I am the possessor of the
eyeglass. In addition to the foregoing the carriage contained the
luggage of these important travellers, which consisted of a cold fowl,
some ham, three penny loaves, two pocket flasks, half a dozen paper
collars, and one toothbrush. I am the possessor of the toothbrush.,
Having introduced myself, I will proceed in correct journalistic style-
Hurriedly, hurriedly, onward we flew
In the fast and the furious mail.
And the weather was rough and our prospects were blue,
Yes, it blew a most terrible gale.
Oh, sir, the weather was of the most awful description. But the good
ship Miunster was equal to the occasion; and need I say that the
captain benefited much by my suggestions ? The Munster' cleft the
water like a thing of life, and in due course we anchored safely in
Kingston Harbour. Allow me while on the subject of the sea, to dis-
tinctly and emphatically repudiate any implication of sickness. I
wish to deny that the individual who was so awfully unwell during
' the voyage, and who begged to be cast overboard, with many other
peculiarities of the kind-I wish, I say, to deny, that that person had
any connection whatever with Fun, and I think that the persons who
spread the rumour might have seen that, if they had only used their
common sense. No-that party's illness was a stern reality [this is
not a joke].
Well, in duo course,- as I have before remarked, we arrived at
Kingstown; and went onto Dublin by train-the slowest I think I
ever travelled in. We were assured, however, by an Irish gentleman
that the want of speed was unusual; and it was occasioned by our
being very much behind time (owing to the adverse wind). On my
assuring him that that was a reason why we should go fast, he said-
"Sure, thin, ye don't know Oireland I But we're learning
Of course our first visit was paid to Ma. IVArTs, one of the
managers of the Midland Greit Western, which is to conduct us
towards the scene of our labours in the Wild West. Wo found him
managing the luggage, which seemed to want it badly. I must hero,
Mr. Editor, beg leave to be as serious as you can possibly allow. I
wish to thank Mn. IVATTS for the business-like way in which he
afforded us most valuable information, and to lay particular stress on
the kind-hearted and !gentlemanly manner in which he took in the
strangers, and introduced them to the beauties of Dublin I do not
refer to the ladies who are of course lovely; for is not this the city
where the men are all brave and the women all beautiful ? I am not
sure myself; and I have asked, one or two of the waiters at the
Gresham, who say-
"'Dede and I don't know, Sur."
I should like to ask, sir, have you ever boon up a real Irish
mountain ? If you have, you are certain of my admiration. I tried
one yesterday ; but must confess to a most ignominious failure.
Halfway up the Sugar-loaf my poor cockney head was too much for
me, and I had to descend in the most ignominious manner, as an un-
mentionable part of my unmentionables (which have gone to be
repaired) will testify.
The Powcrscourt Waterfall and the Dargle, both within easy
distance of Dublin, are magnificent. The latter is a most romantic
glen, through which a mountain torrent dashes. I believe the word is
a corruption of Dark Girl," a beautiful brunette having been mur-
dered there in the days when Ireland was free. Mind I don't vouch
for this-and I don't think the guide said anything about it.
And now, by the powers of potheen, good byo and good luck to ye,
RAILwAY travellers, are, we hold, quite right in tipping railway
servants for extra-official civilities. But the tourist should bear in
mind the interest of the porter, and make sure that on what he goes
and tips him, he won't go and get tips-he!
116 [SEPTEMBER 9, 1871.
SAGE STUFFING FOR GREEN GOSLINGS;
SAWS FOR THE GOOSE AND SAWS FOR THE GANDER.
E ? BETTY Miss
,, -_ .:--' ,DOLLY VARDEN
'- .' "- is so nice, real-
ly so like a
we hardly know
i, watteau say to
do, p express our ad-
her: her eyes
Oh wyshine like the
shimmer of sun-
S beams on a
summer sea, her
Slips make one
S d- n should she ever
Ma7 wouldd be can-
S hood, so to
her, but, silly
,... little woman,
sshe has allowed
~, herself to be
is following the
present idioticly outrageous fashion, and has boxed up her feet
in tight-oh so very tightr--high heeled shoes. A! goodness,
on a hot summer's day, those unyielding shoes, oh what delight. Why
do it, 0 pretty DOLLY V ? Why squeeze up your charming tooties,
why ruin them, encourage bunions and suffer through high heels
perhaps one of the direst agonies known to more-tall? Why do it ?
Oh why, why, do it, until you have alas! to exclaim in the very
identical words of HAMLET . .
0 my poor feet ache, so'll my anele!! !!"
Even as they think more of whip thongs than diphthongs; even as
they think more of a red heomard, than of Homer read, so do goslings
think more of candles than uncles!
Boobies! do they not prove themselves "t6les do veau," bul-lock-
heads, thus to re-veal their de-veau-tion to- -Neat feet.
Man's last meal: biting the dust!
You may chaff the poor scribbler about his dining at a pot house,
but do not the swellest authors equally get their dinner from the
The attributes of the "Jack" are-biting and snappishness: as you
go through the world you will find it is not unusual for mankind to
assume the Jack's fishy attributes........ when in offce.
To every one in the world except perhaps cardinals, to every other
living soul we emphatically say avoid hat-red! for ..... .it
is is a loa-thing.
And yet, O Reader, how many a friendship gets snipped almost in
the bud through worldly considerations, and how often do those,
who to the end of Life's journey might have venerated and respected
each other, get-through some trifling adverse circumstance-to feel
such a friends of hate, such a mutual detestation that they abso-
lutely, yes, absolutely, come to dread being ever again .... thrown
.. IFE is like a sail
on the ocean;
.. '.... : we mostly start
don't_ bt i ge the w an fancies of
/ drop of spray
/look like dia-
mond, but we're
sick at heart
we've done with
it, our life-long
S game of pitch
I a, and toss, and
-vidual griefs no
more than does
the sea the sor-
.._ row it causes
S -- ing a freight
of hearts, hopes, happiness and humanity! et sio of everybody; as in
our sail we are sold, so are we in life ; there we are, up one minute
down the next; some of us get a fine time of it, others most certainly
don't, but instead, get a turmoil on the waters, and have friends
trying to throw what they term oil on the waters, which invari-
ably makes matters 827 times worse than they were before. Some
of us get "faventes aure," no "breezes," but agreeable ones, others
get blown up by the wind which is ill, as it blows no one any good
. . the equinuptial gales Some of us are occasionally
favoured both by Posidon and Possessions, but Neptune, like
Fortune, is capricious and amer, and, alas alas, as by getting too much
of the one we are driven on the breakers, so by getting too little of
the other are we not . . broke. You may possibly, in your
voyage through Life, manage to steer clear of Charybdis, and not get
absolutely wrecked on that other Scylla-brated mantrap, but how few
of us are there who have not to go through some "straits" at one
time or another, which end by stranding us, if not at Messina, at any-
rate in a mess!
Goslings, it is Sad but is So.
They tell us it's a short sea passage from B'lown to Folkestone:
"deux heures they say: ah; it was four when SMITH came over:
deue heures on board, and douceur to the steward, that made it four;
besides it was exceedingly rough, there were mountains labouring, not
for mice, but for another pur-pose, and he was oh! so very, very,
unwell! Oh yes it certainly was-eeatre eures for SMITH: poor SmTH,
he said it seemed like six!
A man may be a tremendous swell at-Boolong, and not of much
account in London! from which indisputable fact we draw the beau-
tiful moral, that it is much better to stop at Boolong with your
appreciative boolongings, than to Bouloene-ly and neglected by your-
self in London!
We have been told that there are certain embers which never die
out till towards the end of a year; they are November and December;,
but, there is another ember, which, alas, but too frequently does die out
before the end of a year; it is ......rem-ember.
Thinking you speak French, and doing it, are two most utterly
different things: look here for instance, at what happened to MaRs.
AMPSTEAD CLAPHAM in Paris. "Pardon, Miadame, mais on n entiree
pas ici avec un chien," says Law at the door of the Louvre. "Ser nay
par ooon sheang Moosoo sayt coon pity pooopy," says Mans. AMFPSTEA
CLAPHAM, "' Non. Madame, ce n'est pas une poup6e du tout, c'est parfai-
tement un chien,"says Law. "Pardong, Merseer, Pooopy,nota cheang,"
says MRs. A. C. Chien, Madame, pas poupde," says Law! And
yet you know MRs. AMPSTEAD CLAPHAM thought herself a very
"elegant" French scholar indeed !
However it don't do to talk French or German or Italian, or play
the piano, &c., "like a bird," flu-ently, teoo well, or some kind soul is
sure to give out that you were-educated for a courier or a governess!
Apropos of talking French, we beg leave to defy you, however tho-
roughly conversant with that language you may be, to find a
more perfect Parisian idiom for real pleasure than . .
Oh yes, quite so, we know as well as you do that the French for