w 0 p. P f
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PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY T. MOFFATT,
80, FLEET STREET, E.O.
OR oh,-for oh, the hobbyhorse.
is forgot!" said an ancient
ballad. Nothing of the kind,
that two-legged quadruped is as im-
mortal as Pegasus. So long as thereis
a man left alive, he will have a hobby
and ride it; for-as an Irish friend
suggests-the amusement of the rest
Now certain folk, beside the writer of
that old ballad, will at times, set-up
S the same doleful strain. They will tell
us that there is no merriment at Christ-
mas. This sort of people, taking offence
at the fact that "'twas merry in the
hall when the beards wagged all," set
their faces against-no! set the razor
against the faces of others. But shav-
ing the beards did not stop the
waggery; and in time mankind re-
volted, and were emancipated by an
Act of the Human Parliament, known
as the Beard and Moustache Movement,
O F1 so that the beards wag still.
"I O,, Now it has been said, that he is a
benefactor of his race who bids two
blades of grass wave where one waved
before. How much more is he to be
esteemed who sets an innumerable
growth on the human chin a-wagging!
I'fackins !-~ Jto use a phrase suggested
by the meim*val style of our artikt-
there hall be cakes and ale, and lots (( (
of FUN withalI And we will make
Christmas merry moreover, if it be only ,_
by laughing-and by nraking laugh- 1,,_i.f ERLY RDDe1
till sides ache, at the so-called miseries ,
of the season. And when we have j I,,..i
done our laughing at our own worries, -
we'll try and make others laugh-laugh
at the notion, as poor people will, of a
good dinner and work to come. More
yet! We will make those whogird at
kindliness, and sneer at charity, laugh
too. Aye, marry! (It's that artist still) we will make rogues laugh-and wrong-doers laugh-and oppressors-and
they shall all laugh-on the wrong sides of their mouths.
That's to make Christmas ae ,a -ensur,: n a Hapgy oew TYear
,augh and -row fat I 'd o.b 6arirtue, as ato sen annual cQleb4on ofbe Jattle Show proves. If o grow
fat by laughter be not igl.h, does tiiBritish fa1 tickle Phe prize ox. with atraw At least he used to do so. Nowa-
days he uses .il-cweb instead st-'a.-. Wby do)iVrrests laugh, or landscape smile, if it be not a wholesome elSterc.
enjoined by nature ?- Wait nation, we- pray you, holds the widest away over 'e whole world F The B is tio4 say
you, whose drum-beatgopes round e ea4hi with the pun. Not sol The na that rulps all other naions is h-
And here be proofs moreover Go to Grinland the frozen-or to Cape Grinnez, or to Funchal, or where you please; you
shall fnd one volume universally welcomed. But if you don't care to go so far, look around you at home. You shall see
Wisdom relaxing its solemn brow over the pages of that work. Hard'handeq labour, resting from its toil, enjoys a lung-
expanding guffamw Oer them. Wealth stiinulates its faded appetite, and i dtty allP its cravings with tie same relish.
Age chuckles over it. Youth chuckles over it,
Lookyonder, where Lcveli nes bends over a book with a merry smile. Whatbook is it The Poook of Beauty to be sige-the
only Book of .ea aty fotr this Year of Grace Eighteea hundred and seventy, just now doepatdihI-a ~p4 the Year of Orace
Eighteen hunc.k and sa ,ntyone now waiting at the .door. That:Book of Beauty is
Rcflty S h01n e?11 Df tjie 1X, crie* pP J
a.. I *.
__________ ._ ______
THE REASON OF IT.
Do you ask me the cause of my firmly declining
To join in the revel, the dance, or the song F
Do you ask why I'm seldom or never seen dining
At boards where the world's giddy votaries throng ?
Would you learn how the garment I formerly cherished-
Which takes from the swallow the form of its tail-
Hath survived while its bloom and its brightness have perished
From hanging so painfully long on a nail P
I will tell you the reason; it forcibly strikes me
That nobody loves me, if anyone likes me.
There are times in our life when this earthly Sahara
Receives the salute of the deadly Simoom;
When the harp that was long ago tuneful in Tara
Reverberates only in echoes of gloom.
I have known such a time-when my idols were shattered,
When Friendship and Love spread their wings to depart;
When Despair (arm-in-arm with Misanthropy) battered
Remarkably hard at the door of my heart.
I will tell you the reason; it forcibly strikes me
That nobody loves me, if anyone likes me.
Woe is me that I opened this heart at their summons,
Instead of remorselessly barring its door;
Many lodgers I've had, but a pair of such rum'uns
I never-no, never- encountered before.
When the worm shall abscond from the depths of his apple,
The earwig abandon the folds of his rose,
Shall my destiny grant me the courage to grapple
For life or for death with my tenants and foes.
I will tell you the reason; it forcibly strikes me
That nobody loves me, if anyone likes me.
Twas my hope to have died with my secret unwritten-
This badge of my sorrow, this mark of my shame :
But it gnaws like the fox which appears to have bitten
That gallant young Spartan (I don't know his name).
Let the frivolous jeer at my bitter confession;
A nature like mine how can they understand ?
I I will put the whole world, if I can, in possession
Of all that I know on the question in hand.
So I tell you the reason; it forcibly strikes me
That nobody loves me, if anyone likes me.
A Dreadful Profession.
SURELY if baby-farming advertisements are to be excluded from the
columns of our papers,the following should not have been admitted:-
PROFESSIONAL Widower, 42, fair means, family six, all in boarding schools
Desires to Communicate with well brought-up and educated, Christian
straightforward, charitable, and affectionate Lady, 27 to 36, moderate means
Matrimonial view; none need reply fearing sending name, real address, carte de
visited, and highest references, being an honourable, strictly bonrt fide transaction.-
Address Veritas, &c.
A professional widower!" When does a widower cease to be an
amateur ? One homicide, we are told, makes a murderer-a thousand
make a hero! How many dear departed are required to qualify a
"professional" widower P We should think the matrimonial view,"
with a cemetery in the middle distance, thus offered to ladies "fiom
27 to 36 would be anything but tempting; and the allusion to a
carte do visit would be suggestive of a hearse.
A L'oven Swain.
THis is from a foreign paper :-
I am young, handsome, well made, fascinating in manners, sweet disposition,
not unlearned, descended from a noble family ; have a nice little country property
near Vienna. I desire a wife. Send photographs, which must show beauty; and
she must be rich and cultivated, but mustnot object to my being, as I am, a baker.
The only objection any sensible girl would have to his being a baker
would be that his description of his charms might not be altogether tu
be depended on, as he is an old hand at drawing a batch"-elor:-
for instance his "descent from a noble family" might merely be
A Strange Relation.
THE following story is a credit to human nature !-
A Welshrelieving officer had occasion last week to examine the effects of a paupei,
an old woman named Ann Lloyd, who had been in receipt of parochial relief for
years, and was considered very poor. At the bottom of an old box he was surprised
to find 345 in gold, a cheque book, and three good silk dresses. Since this
discovery many persons have come forward and claimed to be her relatives.
Generous creatures! In spite of her antecedents they constitute
themselves relatives. Their disinterested affection is like "the fined
gold "-or gold-find. Still we think such affinity a fishy tie !
WHEN is a shoe like stays ? When it's a busk-in.
WHEN are stays like snobs ? When they're a coarse-set
i6 PUNF'UN. [JULY 9, 1870.
S s n.UN OF.FIgE, Wednesday, July 6th, 1870.
HE NMish&y and their Liberal Friends have quarrelled prettily
over the Education Bill! It is not impossible that they may so
bewrangle- it that- the- poor creatures for whose benefit the
measure was& proposed mayihave to wait-if not whistle for it.
The position reminds us of that wicked passage in STrNE's Tristrram
Slhnd,, where. Dr.. Slop and Susannah fall out; and' the luckless
Tristram gpes untended, though both, desire- to- relieve his suf-
Is it?" oried Slop,, throwing the eataplasms ir. hber ftoe. Yes, it is," cried
Sasanan, returning thbeeomplimet:wilth wharfwasleft iFthe-pan.
Then our readers-or those of them who have- resta that naughty
clever novel-will remember that Dr. Slop and Susannalw haing-
"'fled cross-bills against each other" had tatry anewitreatment. We
fear there has been in the Commonsr as- at. s., Shandy's house; too
mue," splenetic cordiality" in the parties assisting each other. But-
the Liberal party has certainly taken the first step, by trying to force
its' cataplasm of amendments down MR. FORSERa's throat.
WHEN it costs us so much to catch a recruit and make a soldier of
him, we have a right to complain-on economical, grounds merely, to
omit all question of humanity-that officers are so careless of the
manufactured article. The 9th and 94th Regiments have recently
been marched, from Warley and Woolwich respectively, to Aldershot
in so extravagant and wasteful a manner as to absolutely throw away
the cost of several expensive machines of the- soldier' class, a sergeant
even, in. one instance, having been thus recklessly expended.
It would be absurd to appeal to Departments on any other plea than
this. To say that brave men have been needlessly tortured and
cruelly killed would be sentiment or "gush" quite thrown away on
the heads of offices. At the same time we would suggest to the Peace
Society, that it should indict the military authorities for homicide,
instead of wasting its money on printing and distributing all the
nonsense talked by its members. This would be a practical benefit.
The Force of Ridicule.
WE are smitten with remorse! We never thought, when we
called on the authorities to visit the 'shortcomings of the Metropolitan
police with well-merited punishment, they would take such a very
severe step as they have done in inflicting the new helmet.on the force.
The suffering thepoorfellows-will undergo in the form of chaff directed
by our street Youth at the helm" will be something terrible to
contemplate, for it is easy for every one-except the policeman-to
take it off. We trust on mature reflection it will be seen that the
infliction of this head-gear will only aggravate the eviL it is intended
to remedy. People have hitherto complained that "a& policeman is
never to be seen when he is wanted," but now they will understand
and sympathise with his reasons for keeping out of sight.
Works "of Supererogation.
EvEsnBODY has been complaining, ever since his appointment, of the
unfitness of MR. AxrTON for the post he occupies; and really the.care of
our parks and buildings ought not to be intrustedto a person whose want
of cultivation was evidenced by his mistaking market-gardeners for
architects. However he has recently shown a special aptitude for one
office, to which MR. GLADSTONE in the interests of his Government as
well as of the public will do well to transfer him without delay. The
readiness with which MR. Ayrarow lent himself to that neat little job
falsely described as the South Kensington Improvement Bill, is a clear
proof that his right post would be that of COLE-onial Secretary.
Sex of one, E1alf-a-dozen of the other.
The other night a gentleman at a public meeting ventured to say that woman's
proper sphere of duty was her home, which was met by the reply by a spinster that
"if women had hitherto taken care of the babies at home, it was the men's turn
now."- Yide Papers.
NURBES until now of wives
Man, despotic and perverse, made.
If this Woman's Movement thrives,
Man in turn will be the nurse-maid!
CHICKEN HAZARD :-Counting them before they're hatched.
THE MAIDENS 9 tGL.
I SIT at my lattice, and watch thea moon,,
And hope that my love will be with metsoao.
And teardrops glisten
ar E can't hear those footsteps of his'n!,
Fwaltiftrmy own one-I wait and sigh-
Foawno-st has revealed my love is.nighi!
WNili -all things darken,
NO an I'the sound of his coming afar ken!.
Biftc sh! lWhaftsound o'er my senses steats--
t-hearhis velbeipede's clattering wheels
Cold as an icicle,
Pale Luna's high sickle
Shotme my love bounding hither on bicycle.*
THumrare certain subjects, which, FuNa considers, are- sacred fiom
attack' in the columns of comic journals; and, acting upon: that
conviction, heneverj.ests about questions of faith-andhe neverstaikes
He has therefore earned the right to express his- disgust
at finding in the columns of a contemporary a cruel and utterly
unjustifiable onslaught upon the characters of defenceless women, who
cannot reply to the unmanly slander. MR. GoLnDWi SmnTH was not
prevented by the breadth of the Atlantic from hurling liar and
coward" in the teeth of the writer by whom he deemed himself
libelled. Though only the width of a marble counter divides these
ladiesifkom their traducer, they may not answer him as he deserves.
;F r can only repeat that he-is disgusted to find, a Hornet behaving
itaselso much like a Blow-fly.
WE learn from a Scotch paper that:-
In a case of deelarator of marriage, before the Court oftSession, Edinburgh, on
Friday, one of the witnesses admitted that defendant and himself had drunk 32
bottles of whiskey between them in the course of 10 days."
We don't know whether the question about the marriage was one of
incompatibility of temper ; but there was clearly no want of
congeniality of spirits.
Them's my Scent-
Ma. DISRAELI'S last novel-though in bad odour in some quarters-
smells sweet, like the actions of the just, in others:-
Lothair has been I registered. as the name of anew perfume by Mesars. Piesse
Why doesn't somebody else secure a copyright in Cori-Sand.Soap ?
WHAT will teetotal naturalists say to this ?-
A fish has been landed at Portsmouth with a whole champagne bottle in his
Talk about a man's drinking like a fish! The most confirmed toper
never tries to swallow the bottle as well as the liquor. We wonder
what the brand was:-Fishing RoD-aRER ?
A BnUTE of a bachelor on being informed that marriages are made
in heaven" said he wished that a prohibitive duty had prevented
their export from the place of their manufacture.
A Safe Conclusion.
WHEN you see a matrimonial-advertiser seeking a lady with tolerable
means you may set him down as one of the intolerably means.
THE game of Speculation:-" Beggar my neighbour."
PLEASING PROSPECT.-To working men who are well to do-Join a
SOME very lik'll
Pronounce it bicycle;
While others will stickle
To have it bicycle.
I who don't care about critical-gossip, ed-
Uce, as a substitute for it, velocipede.
JULY 9, 1870.]
BY OUR SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
TF my memory serves me rightly, which it very rarely does now-
a-(lays, I left off on the platform of Stepney-station, waiting the
arrival of the train of terrible swiftness which was to convey me to the
pyrotechnic display at the North Woolwich Gardens. Having been
informed at what future hour or thereabouts (but certainly not before)
the engine might ibe expected to put in an appearance, I tried to
appease the remonstrances of an empty stomach by the thought that
had I but.eaunht the preceding conveyance I might by this time have
been seated at the convivial board, listening to the sparkling wit of
the lining gentlemen, before whose coQwseations _the *Hodteeffervescent
of vintages xetirweinto a stilled and astonished -epoe. At least that
is the only. eason I canasoribe -for the wine sooften'becoming flat at
theipresatable. No, air, my taste does -not become vitiated, nor does
that agreeable beverage ehich requires no bush ever lose its flavour in
the-mouth of the S. S., and base would be the slave who said that your
solemnly respectable representative was ever seen more than flushed.
Flushed, sir,'I admitkti havingibeen on one or two ocessions, ut that
was simplyowing:to the heat of the weather and a naturally healthy
and idll tlooded constitution. I console myself, however, under these
aspersions .with :the lnowledge'that the great have everlboentheobjeets
of envious and malicious attacks from the paltry and -the 1'jitfiL I
don't knowtbhatanybody has said anything, but I merelybthrow out
these hintaso as tonip the 'tongue of slander inthe'bud. Also, I don't
know,ibyithe way,,at'the tongue of slander hasanything of the kind.;
but metaphoxieal, satirical, and hyperbolical allusions are fast'becoming
my .forte: :in~at,wthey are rapidly getting the.upper hand of me, and,
therefore, I must beg *that you-will admire-the beauties and pardon
the errors of my style. I dare say you think it is;high-time I was on
my way to North Woolwich; and so did I when I had committed the
last of my reflections to immortality in my notebook; but still I waited
for the train, and still the train arrived not. At last, after the hour
specified by the porter had long passed, a something was seen crawling
along at the extreme edge of the place assigned to perambulating pas-
sengers. At.first it appeared like a gigantic species of snail, and being
an enthusiastic naturalistI rushed towards it, but found it was nothing
but an exhausted engine slowly dragging its weary length of carriages
to rest beside the platform. Now, thought I, is my time, and was
about to seat myself when the guard shouted out,
Bow-wow, chow-dow, ram-fow, da-a-a-h."
The extensive knowledge of the means of communication adopted by
the savage races, which I obtained during my seven years' residence
with the True and Aboriginal Troupe of South American Digger
Indians in their native wilds of Tipperary, stood me in good stead now.
I alone knew what the excited shouter meant, and instead of being
whirled along at a fearful pace through Essex marshes, where I had
no desire to put in an appearance, I again seated myself, and waited
until the invigorated iron chimney took up the running once more.
As some lengthy period had now elapsed since the North Woolwich
train from London was due, I was not much surprised to see it put in
an appearance soon after the other had departed. Had it not been
for the trusty chronographeter I carry in my bosom-that is, by means
of my waistcoat pocket-I could have sworn that many hours had
elapsed from the period of leaving Stepney by the time the terminus
(for this line, happily, goes no further) was reached. But I was
wrong, not much more than double the fair time had been taken, and,
therefore, there was, as a gentleman informed me, nothing at all to
complain about. Departing so soon as the ticket collector would'allow
me, I made my way over to the scene of pyrotechny and display, and
was soon guided to the awful spot by the friendly rockets which ever
and anon excited the admiration and acclamation of as Boeotian a band
as it has ever been my lot to encounter. Perhaps you think I
am going to enter into an elaborate description of the fireworks, about
the extraordinary Bay of Naples, and the awful Vesuvius which at
stated intervals belched forth red fire and smoke, about the Brobding-
nagian Catherine wheels, and the madness-making maroons. But
I'm not. No. I chose an unfortunate position, and though I could
hear the delighted shouts of the lucky spectators of what I have since
been informed was a really magnificent display, I saw nothing,
breathed nothing, but a dense smoke, from the effects of which I have
not yet recovered. But all things come to an end, and so did the fire-
works, and availing myself of a gap in the crowd I made the best of
my way to the railway station, and after innumerable difficulties
reached London. Sir, I could, if I liked, harrow up your quills like a
fretful porcupine, about the return journey, but your space and my
valuable time will not allow of any more at present, beyond the state.
ment that devastation of a previously unknown character was com-
mitted upon my domestic commissariat a short time after a speedy
hansom had deposited me at that bulwark of British independence and
liberty-my own street door.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 174.
Now at length the'season comes
For peaches, apricots, and plums;
For nectarines and ruddy cherries,
For the straw- rasp- and goose-: iu erries.
Meantime in sunny fields, behlli
The wheat, that waves its spears of *i3,
The bearded barley, trembling oat,
And all the grain Mark-lane can quat,.
1. My lud," he cried, and twitching
His gown, in words bewitching,
In language styled this,
He soon, I wis,
Was a tale to the jury pitching.
2. Cut it thin, and fry it weR,
Till it crispness to the stateowes.;
And it is, so West folkastel,
Excellent with brownedTpes M.
3. A shield is a defensive weapon
Because its owner hides-bdhindit.
But this sharp point, Jt you should mbpaA,
A most offensive thing you'd find f.
4. 'Neath her arohed loot'the streamlet flows unohedikd-
Thus her pure Afab blood you oleamly may deatot.
6. '4ui flavam,"
Asked HozRAO, '"iE'am,
Your looks, fair lasn?"
S 3LUTIOr OP AcRoaTI :No. 172.--Jat, Zf, ia: Hetee, l1ihmaera,
CORRECT SounroN or Aoaosric No. 172ABeOrnm TImI xth.-Ptryilgr;
Timothy and Co.; Datobet; .iddy; Rby's Ghost.
LIKE all scientific progress Salmon-oulture-or kutivation- reveals
facts that throw doubt upon matters that have'been accepted without
question for years. For instance MI. FRANK BUCKLAND has more
than once described an unmistakable Kelt as a perfect Pict-ure.
"The Band of the Scots Fusilier Guards is engaged for the occasion,
accompanied by the celebrated BAG-PIPES of the Regiment, who will
appear in full Highland Costume."-Advertisement of a Recent Flower
[JILY 9, 1870. 1
>. ~ -~ -
THE WARMTH OF AFFECTION.
Sybil (more in sorrow than in anger) :-" MERTON, I FEEL I must SPEAK TO YOU. YOU ARE GROWING COLD-YOU NEVER SAY A WORD
-YOU SIT THERE SEEMINGLY UNCONSCIOUS OF MY PRESENCE. TELL ME-OH, TELL ME !-DO YOU REGRET OUR ENGAGEMENT? OR,--"
AMerton (gasping):-"You NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY GIRL, TO DOUBT YOUR OWN MERTIE. BUT DO REMEMBER THAT FOR THE LAST THREE
WEEKS THE GLASS HAS BEEN AT 130 IN THE SHADE."
DITTO TO MR. BURKE.
I FEEL no longer as I felt
When love and beauty forged me fetters;
No hearts I struggle now to melt
With murmured vows or crazy letters.
No more from Miss to Miss I stray,
Delighted as a bee in clover :
My flowing locks are growing gray,
My days of chivalry are over.
The softer sex has fallen low
(Full cent. per cent.) in my opinion,
Since Cupid held me long ago
A captive in his wide dominion.
I'm something of a fogey now,
And very little of a rover;
I've certain lines upon my brow-
My days of chivalry are over.
Time was when I possessed a tongue
All eloquence to plead my passion;
I whispered, wheedled, sighed and sung,
In proper idiotic fashion.
I now and then suggested flight-
A trip to Gretna Green or Dover:
Which now seems anything but right-
My days of chivalry are over.
My heart is very much the worse
For all its wearing and its tearing ;
As empty as a poet's purse
Of anything that's worth the sharing.
Whatever lady finds the key
May try the lock by right of trover :
The thing's of little use to ipe-
My days of chivalry are over.
THE following passage occurs in a leader in the London Figaro:-
Mr. Fowler is confirmed in his assertions by the evidence given" before a House of
Commons committee, last year, by Inspector Smith, Mr. Acton, Mr. Skey, Surgeon
Wyatt, (of the Coldstreams), and other eminent medical men. The latter gentleman
The latter of four ? Then which is the last of the two ? The writer
allows himself a latter-tude not permitted by grammar.
THE latest adulteration swindle is this:-
A New York paper says that not one pound in ten of the honey sold in that city
ever knew a bee.
Well then what is the honey made of ? We confess ourselves honey-
ble to speak with any certainty; but if there are no bees concerned
there must be some "humming" about the manufacture. The
swindlers who sell the sham should be hive-ily-we should say,
The Reason is the Want of Reason.
WE learn from a contemporary that:-
Of 50,000 idiots and imbeciles in the United Kingdom, it ie estimated that 13,OCO
live in the seven counties of Lancashire, Cheshire, Cumberland, Durham,
Northumberland, Westmoreland, and Yorkshire.
That accounts for the number of self-styled "poets" who hail from
those parts I
A SHINDY AFTER SH
o T, L T. usana. T*R .
Dr. Slop .. THE LINERAL PARTY. I Susannah .. MR. F*RST*RB.
AN -D Y ;
[With an apology to CRuICKICANX.
F' N .-JULY 9, 1870.
MRS; BROWN'S INTERFERENCE.
'WAS that tired with our housee in. South Lambeth, and Baown
was always a-growlin' over the. gardin, as he said cost more
money than it was worth. So I says, "Let the place,' as he
were agreeable to, and we put up a bill.
Lots of people comet look at it, but I shan't never forget oneparty
as give herselff hawful hairs through bein' helderly,.yet dressed the gal
all over,. kep' a-sayin' as the bed rooms was stuffy and wantedstables.
I says, "If you wants stables, there's a housee oppersite as'll suit you
down to the ground as the sayin' is;" but, I says, I wouldn't take it
through known' as the drains is-queer, and no water laid on." "Oh,"
she says, Of course you'll run it, down through wantin' to let your
own," and out she walks. I says,.." I don't want to let mine to sich
as you; but," I says, "if you takes that housee you'll repent it," and I
shets the door sharp, and watched 'er go over and look at the housee as
she went over, and the next day the bill were down. So, I says,
" She's took it, and I wishes 'er joy on it."
I don't think as it were more than a fortnight arter as they begun
to move in, and I says to BRowN, "I'm sure that housee must require
more a-doin' to it than they 'ave 'ad time for." So he says, "That's
their business," quite short.
I do think if I was to live to be as old as Jerusalem, I never shall
forget the insults as I got from them parties, and all through bein'
civil, as nothing won't never induce me to be agin to nobody as is
unbeknown, though they may 'old th< ir 'eads ever so high; and to
look at that woman's gown a-trailin' through the mud, you'd: think
she was queens and princesses, with 'er hairs and 'aughty ways, but
they was. a lowlived lot I see very soon, with all their dressing' arter
they come in, not as I watched their goods; though I must say the
way as their things was dashed down off that wan did make me- feel
for them, as takes a, pride in my own furniture and would always like
for to be done by as I do; and when I see the second day as they was
moved in sich a blaze in the front first floor that same afternoon, I
naturally thought as some one 'ad been and fell asleep, though broad
daylight, through bein' that fatigued as movin' is back-breakin' work
all the world over. So I says to the gal, Just you run over, and ring
at the bell, and tell 'em the place is in a blaze."
I didn't think no more about it, and went to dress myself. She
like a young stupid, as I 'card arterwards, runs out without 'er bonnet,
and pulls at that bell all of a 'urry, enough for to wake.the dead; and
tells two boys as it were fire; they runs off like mad up the street, and
tells the milkman as tells the perlice, as-tells them boys' to run quick
to the engine-'ouse and let 'em know.
I was jest a-goin' out myself, and 'ad sent for a cab as-was waiting'
at the door, through it bein' a christenin', as I were a-goin' to young
PEARsON'S fust as 'ad married MATILDA SPAnxEs, and 'ad put it off till
she was about again, and then 'ad to -wait six weeks more through 'er
mother a-sprainin 'er ancle, as will go lame to the grave in my
opinion, through a-treadin' on a bit of orange peel, as is a dangerous.
'abit for to throw on the pavement, as I'm sure it's work for anyone to.
fowler it up and kick it into the road, as made me 'ave a nasty fall once
myself, and got me into nice trouble through a-walkin' along- by
South Lambeth one afternoon, where the path is raised up above the
road, and see a bit of orange peel a-layin' near the hedge as might
throw any one down and praps pitch in the road, and the butcher's
cart as always drives wiolent over you in a jiffey.
I see a old party a-comin' along, 'obblin with two sticks, and I
thinks to myself if he treads on that bit of orange peel it'll be a.
regular floorer for 'im: so I 'urries forward just- as he were upon it
and kicks it away-leastways was. going to-when my foot kicked one
of 'is sticks, and sent it a-flyin into the road, and away he went
a-sprawlin' with his 'ead a-'angin' over the hedge of the kerb stone.
Get 'im up I couldn't though I did pull away at the back of 'is coat,
and 'im a-'ollerin' like mad, "'Elp," "Murder."
It's lucky as a baker come by just at that moment, for he was
a-slippin' away from me and a-goin' to pitch 'eadforemost into the road,
that purple in the face, and a-gugglin' and spittin' through 'avin' of
'is 'ead 'angin' down so long. Me and the baker's man set 'im up
agin the railin's of a house and if he didn't take and call me all the
old murderesses as ever he could lay 'is tongue to. "Why," I says,
"I did it for your good," and' if he didn't say summit about good as
made me shudder.
I got the baker's man for to go and pick up 'is stick, and he says,
"'Elp me 'ome, as is only 'arf-a-dozen doors down," as we did
according 'im a-groanin' fearful.
When we got to 'is door out come a party with 'er 'air in curl
papers, and that old chap says, Oh, ELIzA, I'm done for-this old
woman's been and killed me."
Law, to 'ear 'er shriek and 'oller, "Mother, mother, 'ere's father
been killed by that fat old party as is always a-prowlin' about the
neighbourhood. Ah!" she says, "we knows you, and you shall be
punished." Out come the mother, as were as great a cripple as the
father pretty nigh, and they led the old feller in and banged the door
slap in my face a-sayin' as they'd send the police arter me.
I was that dumb-founded I couldn't speak, and did feel 'urt when
the baker's man says to me, You certainly did ketch 'im a wicious
kick as ever I see." But he says, "I suppose you owed 'im a
grudge." I says, Me owe 'im a grudge, why, I never set eyes on 'im
afore, and only did it out of kindness."
Well, that baker, give a whistle and walks away, so I went 'ome
a-resolvin' never for to interfere in other people's affairs never no more ;
but when, the werry next day, I see that fust floor in a blaze, I thought
as it was my duty for to act as I did, never dreamin' 'ow it would
As I was a-sayin', I'd sent for a cab and drove off jest as the gal
come in a-sayin' as they wouldn't answer the bell, and I'd got into the
next street and says to the cabman through the front winder as I lot
down, Look sharp," through bein' late, when I meets-a-turnin' the
corner-a fire-ingin' a-comin' full pelt, as run agin' the back wheel of
the cab and give it that shock as werry nigh shook the teeth out of my
'ead and brought my front clean off, through the spring a-breakin'
with the jolt, as knocked my 'ead agin' the top of the cab and then
come down agin' with a tremenjous flop. I was a-thinkin' as I
wouldn't go back, but keep my bonit down, and set myself to rights
when I got to Mins. PEARsoN's, and says to the cabman through that
winder as no 'arm wasn't done; and I says, "Do look alive," when I
heardd a shoutin' and 'ollerin' behind the cab, and stops.
I says, "What are you a-stoppin' for P Do get on; and just then
a perliceman, out of breath, and some boys come a-runnin' up to the
cab, and says' the perliceman, You come back." I says, I shan't;
I say Im in a 'urry." He says, "You must. What do you mean by
playing' such tricks ?" I says, "What tricks ?" "Why," he says,
"a-sendin' of a fire-ingin' to a neighbour's house for a lark." I says,
Me send a fire-ingin', I never did, though a fire-ingin's been sent
agin' me, and pretty nigh knocked the breath out of my body."
Jest then up come a party, all of a fluster, with the fireman, and
says, "Bring 'er back; she done it, as I've lots of witnesses as'll swear
to it." I says, Done what F" "Why," he says, spread a report
as my housee was a fire, all for spite through me [not a-takin' yourn."
I says, "Your fust floor was a-blazin'." He says, It wasn't; and if
it was, what is that to you ? I says, A good deal, as ain't going' to
be burnt in my bed through your wagaries, and sparks a-flyin' with
my white bed a-angin' out to-day." lIe says, I'll pay you out." I
says, "Drive on, cab." I says, Perliceman, if you've anything agin'
me I lives No. 17, in the same road, along with this party." So the
perliceman said as he couldn't detain me.
On I went, and' got to Mas. PEARSON'S too late for the christonin',
as I wasn't sorry for. As was a deal too grand for me, with the
infant all silk and swansdown, as no child of mine shouldn't novo
wear, as is apt for to get down their throats, and 'as boon mistook for
fits afore now. I'd got sich a dreadful headache and in my 'urry 'ad
left my cap behind me as I couldn't 'ave wore if I'd brought it, for I
couldn't leave off my bonnet through 'avin' no ways for fastenin' on
my front except a-pinnin' of it to my bonnet as I can't abear for to set
in, so made a excuse for to get 'ome early, and found Buown in a nice
'umour, for he'd heardd all about the fire oppersite, and says, I tell you
what it is, MTHAA, you'll get in a nice 'ole some day through intor-
ferin'. 'Poen my word, you're one of the unaccountables." "Well,"
I says, MR. BROwn, I won't interfere; but," I says, "p'raps if you
was saved from blazin' in your bed, you wouldn't be so down on me
for interfering. "
But, law, I little thought of the troubles as was laid up for me with
them oppersite neighbours, as led me a life I do assure you, as made
:me long-for the day as would take me out of South Lambeth.
(To be continued.)
A puzzle you'll discover in
A very simple thing-
For want oft' of a sovereign
A poor man's heart's a-ching !
Digging up the Hatch-et.
THE San Francisco Board of Missions was rash enough the otho
day to call for active lay co-operation." The News Letter at one
proceeded to "sit upon them." They shouldn't have laid themselves
open to the hen-emy.
Wasn't, it Wrong P
A DISRnPUTABLE scamp described his deceased uncle as a greedy
old pig." Being asked why he so spoke of him, he said "because h
left him nothing in his- (a) will!"
.JTJLY, 9" 1870.]
12 FUN. [JULY 9, 1870.
SCRAPS FROM THE BARGE RACE.
1. Approved System of being up in Time for the Boat. 4. While Papa hangs on by his Nose to the Bulwarks.
2. Suit your Costume to the Occasion, dear Boys." 5. Missy does High Jinks on the UTpper Deck.
3. The dear Creatures who bet gloves and talk River English. 6. The Winner, Dedicated to EDwIwN WEEDON, ESQ.
street), describing trips "as the crow flies" to the four points of the
iTURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. compass, with pleasant antiquarian historic and "all-sorts" chat by
intimately acquainted with DICKENS, might have been more than fairly amusing, and full of quaint information. A little careful revision of
pardoned if his own connection with tho groat writer had coma the sheets would probably have led to the correction of one or two
naturally in some prominence in this memoir :-but ao such matter is slips of the pan ; but reprints are seldom looked after as they should
briefly but reverently and with feeling dismissed in the preface, and be in that respect. ______ _
the story of DICKENs's life is told historically with clearness and THE RETIRING CONSTAB LE.
conciseness, yet with such pleasant parentheses as we always expect T TIN C NS l .
from MB. SALA. (A-propos, those of us, who love THACKERAYx's THE Force its privilege may boast-
memory, should be grateful to MR. SALA-who knew T.ACKERA as Its carte blanche in cold mutton,
intimately as DICKENs-for those three words at the close of the book The area which suits it most :
-" Gentle WILLIAM THACKERAY.") We have read this necessarily I do not care a button:
brief memoir with deep interest, and have no hesitation in saying that I'll see all the cold mutton in the realm eat,
nothing better has been written of DICKENS than the following But I will never-never wear that helmet!
passage:- The Force may revel nothing loth
He will march until not only this pin's head, England, not only the great American In all its power unshaken;
Republic, not only the vast empire which is to be in Australia, but the extremes Before a mere civilian's oath
limits of a new civilized China, the furthest heborders of a re-civilized Hindostan, sor ma sil a
shall be lull of the sound of the footsteps of his fame. Its word may still be taken;
IT is some time since we have read so fresh and original a book as Each magistrate may be "hail-fellow-well-met "-
Ginx's Baby (STRAmAN AND Co, Ludgate Hill). It has a very serious But I wlne-ner wear that helmet
object, but it is written in a quaint style, with abundant touches of No I have but one simple course,
humour, and a considerable satirical fore. The hero of the story is the And mournfully I take it.
discarded baby of an over-familied man of the labouring class. He is I must resign, and leave the Force,
a bone of contention for different creeds, the hobby of the sham When such a Guy they make it!
philanthropists, the victim of parochial squabbles and mismanagement, Such chaff will be from cadger and from swell met,
and finally the toy of various political parties. Alas, amid all the That I could never-never wear that helmet!
meddling and muddling, he goes to the bad and absconds. The last
chapter records his throwing himself into the river, as his father A Change for the Worse.
had proposed to do with him on his birth. THEr birch-rod in the school-room is intended for the good of the
Ma. WALTER THORNBUvY has published a very pleasant book of lad: in after life, when he gets his whack it is too often for "the
A Tour through England (HURST AND BLAc crrT, Great Marlborough- good of the house."
JULY 9, 1870.] IFU N 13
CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
THE Cornhill!-whereat the first thing we have to say is, "Thank you,
MR. READE," not only for a capital-a beautiful story, but for a strong
earnest purpose, well worked out. But, oh, MR. READE, why spoil
that splendid character, Guy Raby, by making him talk about his
offspring like a cattle-breeder? The rest of the magazine is good,
with the exception of Brecon Bridge," a very faint echo of
A pleasantly readable number of London Society, with one or two
capital stories and a capital bit of verse by Mn. THORNBURY. The
illustrations with one or two small exceptions are very good..
london Society produces an excellent Holiday Number this year.
Illustrations are of course the first consideration in such a number,
and MR. WATSON, Mr. HENLEY, MR. BRUNTON, MR. TUCK, and MR.
FRAwcIs WALKER supply them,-the last-named (or as figaro would
say "the latter "-of five!) contributing a charming, if not a-propos,
"Rosalind and Celia." The literary matter is light and readable, as it
should be under such exceptional circumstances as are implied bya btli-
day Number ; but we must not forget to name MR. TURNER'S vo rse'with
praise, nor Out of Harness as the natural expression of the feelings
of the animal released-with some hope of rain in consequence.
Tinsley's is a strong number this month, apart from the two leading
stories. A Recruit's Story is a valuable contribution to the history
of army-mismanagement; and "The Big Diamond" and, "'Discussion
Forums" are capital papers. "Joshua Marvel" is weakly illustrated.
Of the verse some is inferior, and the hedecasyllabics are shaky..
IN Belgravia we have an amusing Mexican story by MR. SALA, and
several other very readable articles, and an interesting note about "The
Pickwick Papers." A picture by MR. PROCTOR is the art gem of the
number, in which a new novel by MR. LE FANU commences.
The Life Boat is full of interest on account of its description (with
a plate) of the new system of Life Boat signals.
DO YOU ?
SOME people have only to lie on their backs
And open their mouths as wide as they may,
And apricots, nectarines, peaches, by sacks,
Fall into them quite in the regular way.
For peaches, and apricots-plums, perhaps !-
It may be the usual thing to do:
But why should they fall into lazy folks' laps ?
I don't see why Do you P
Yet men may have laboured the whole of their lives
(Alas, 'tis certain too many must!)
To earn for their starving children and wives
A daily meal; though it be but a crust!
And that crust is almost as rare as a peach
To some poor strugglers-and not a few!
Why shouldn't there be a share for each ?
I don't see why Do you ?
There are men who are rich, or are nobly born,
And they do strange things. But the worldwon't see.
To steal were an action mayhap they'd scorn-
Yet worse things than theft among crimes there be.
But in this world somehow they roam at large,
(Though some one hereafter may get his due),
And Society closes its eyes to the charge.
I don't see why. Do you ?
For, kennel'd in gutters, and reared in jail,
And left by us all in the slime,
With hunger's promptings-if others fail-
To drive them to sin and crime:
If the children of ignorance, poverty, vice,
The one course we-leave them pursue,
They're punished by pitiless statutes precise:
I don't see why. Do you?
'Tis a very mad world, you must understand!
Where the lucky have all of the luck ;
Those who don't want aid get a helping hand,
And those-who are down are struck;
Where to toothless gums we give nuts galore,
To good grinders no nuts accrue;
Folks with nought get nothing-with plenty get more.
I don't see why! Doyou ?
A LuMP Sum.-The phrenologist's fee.
assist o ta ism eaitnts.
[We cannot return unaccepted USS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do ntot hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
SAM.-We can't stand Sam.
JAM.-Can't be squeezed in.
DRIrPrNo.-Go to Greece instead of the Rhine then!
CHIGNON.-We can see no possible connection between the Grecian Bend
and the Line of Grace and Beauty.
J. B. (Tottenham-court-road).-Rules of Rhyme, HooG, York-street,
Covent Garden, is the book you mean.
VENTURE.-Well, if we cry to you, we shan't try head."
A PERSISTENT Cuss.-You won't got our cuss-tonm.
A VICTIM asks us why we won't print his 'poems.' There were none
that we could see among his MSS.
STEWED EELS.-Your application is ir-wriggler.
VntasiFER.--Quite the re-versifier, pardon us!
S. W. (Bromipton).-The corset referred to is procurable of Mitchell and
Co, Red Lion Court.
IVANHOE (QOasgow).-Thanks for the .fpress. Poor fellow, the writer
is evidently the Scotchman who has had to go back again. No doubt he
thinks he's indulging in sarcasm, but he's only suffering from irritability
caused by the national malady.
J. S. (Dalston).-Too grave for a jest.
PROSY. -And too long, besides.
A READER (Ashford) is thanked. for his politeness.
Declined with thanks:-E. M. M., Herts; J. J., Highbury-park;
Rekerer; C. A. J., Brixton; H. D. B., Hyde-park; E. S. G., Westbourne-
park; Cantab; B.; N. P. S., Manchester; N. E. J., Battersea; Sphinx;
G., Hunts; J. M. L., Edinburgh; Robin Hood; J. N. K.; S. W., Bed-
ford-place; J. R. C., Liverpool; S. M.; "G. E.; V. G., Bayswater;
C. H. J., May Fair; H.; The Author of Bill-Bill" ; C. P. ; Plesiosaurus;
M. J. F., Dalston; B., Leeds; The Curts Cuss; Smithiui; Nobody's
Grandmother; S. S., Liverpool; T., Manchester; N. R., Glasgow;
T. F. L.; Nem. Con.; Clara D -; P. Q. R., Paris; An invalid;
Toodles; F. W.
SAVAGE AND UNPROVOKED ASSAULT.
First abtron :-"YOUR DOLL LOOKS vE rY rOOBLY, JEMIMA !"
Second .itto :-" YES, DEAR! I THINK IT FRETS A GREAT DEAL ABOUT
ALFRED; HE KNOCKED ONE OF ITS EYES OUT LAST WEEK, AND IT LOST A GREAT
DEAL OF SAWDUST, AND HASN'T BEEN THE SAME DOLL SINCE!"
[JULY 9, 1870.
,.--- I N.-==
-iiii Iii K' ~ 'I- ~ N
S III ~ I' '
AND YOU WOULDN'T THINK SO!
Uncle Jack:-" Hu AN SKELETON! HUMAN FIDDLESTICKS! YOU DON'T THINK I'M SUCH A FLAT AS TO BELIEVE I'VE ALL THOSE
BONES IN ME "
FOR AN EIGHT-OARED OUrRIGGER.
As we dart through the waves in the midsummer weather-
Look out, number five, you're a little too slow !-
With a long pull, a strong pull, a pull altogether,
What bliss more ecstatic has life to bestow ?
I have brought my guitar, and can play it while steering-
I've also provided an ut de poitrine;
So your coxswain will chant you a ballad worth hearing.
A crab, number two What on earth can you mean ?
Luraliety ho! I'll dispense with a chorus.
I've twisted the ropes, and we're getting aground-
With the waters beneath and the sky beaming o'er us -
Pull easy Thank goodness, I've got them unwound.
Luraliety ho! As we glide o'er the ripples-
By Jove, number six, what a duffer you are !
Here's a barge running into us; go it, you cripples!
Too late, it's all over. Save, save my guitar !
THE SUGAR DRAwBACK.-Toothache.
A PAsS-WORD TO SCOTCH TOURISTS.-Killiecrankie.
MR. DAWSON'S, three-year-old, Pain Killer, won a Plate of 100 sovs
at the Ascot Meeting, last month, but PEaRY DAvis' Pain Killer,
backed by such testimonials as the following, is sure to win a prize for
any one who will put up the price of a bottle for it.
Mn. CHABLES WARD, Stationer, Market Place, Heckmondwike,
writes, June 18, 1870:-"I have great pleasure in being able to inform
you that your Pain Killer is rapidly becoming an universal favourite
in this town and district. The sale is increasing very fast, and I hear
frequent mentions among my customers of its successful application.
I have also witnessed its wonderful efficacy in my own family particu-
larly in Bilious attacks, Neuralgia, Toothache, &c."
MR. MYERs, Surgeon of the Coldstream Guards, affirms that ninety-
five per cent. of the excessive cases of heart-disease in the army can be
distinctly traced to the tightness of the uniform and the pressure of the
belt. We have been preaching for years against the evil of tight-
lacing to young women. Now it appears a lecture has to be addressed
to the old women-at the Horse Guards, who make their laces of red-
WE are glad to learn that:-
Gujadheer Sing, who when the Indian mutiny broke out was a member of the
48th Bengal Native Infantry, ani who subsequently headed a detachment which'
murdered several officers, and took an active part in other atrocities, has at length
been apprehended. He was disguised as a cloth merchant.
Of course his cloth won't protect him-or even bale him out. He
should be made to SING very small-and be on-cord!
NOTICE.-Notw ready, the Eighteenth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
THE ELEVENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s.; post free, 49. 6d.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
Ma. JAMES BARNETT, Chemist, Birmingham, writes, June 3, 1869 :-
"Your Pain Killer is gaining many friends in this section. Among
the many cures effected by it which have come under my notice I may
mention the case of a lady who, after suffering long with neuralgia,
and trying many reputed remedies without benefit, was at length
cured, almost instantly, with the first application of your Pain Killer."
CHARLES H. HUDSON, Chemist, Ouse St. Goole, writes, Feb., 1870:--
"Your Pain Killer is one of the few patent medicines I keep which I
can confidently recommend, and I am pleased to say that wherever it
has been fairly tried it has invariably answered its purpose well.-To
Perry Davis & Son, 17, Southampton Row, London, W.C."
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: July 9, 1870.
JULY lC, 1870.]
~N~N ~ '~~' >7
Il~ l~ IIII~I TT '
II f r -, iig ~
Toll-keeper :-" Hi I YoU AIN'T PAID TOLL!"
Tar:-"'COURSE NOT I I AIN'T A WE'ICLE, AND YER CAN'T CALL ME A JeOt-PASSENOER, SURE-ly ."
THE POINT OF A MOUSTACHE.
S H, this pillar has for
capital, we'll say-
A big "A ".
A an archer was: and
archers will, alack!
In the back
Sometimes hit you an un-
common nasty crack!
~And though you may think
you've passed it and
My fine swell,
Pray, permit me to assure
01 you, you have not
I Quite, Sir, got
So completely as you fancy
out of shot.
For each end of your mus-
tachio is an S
And no less.
And if t'other side the A you
had but been,
You'd, I ween,
Written down, the thing you
are, be clearly seen!
Don't Bruit this about.
A GRUMBLING old farmer lately expressed a wish that his cattle were
endowed with human intelligence. He complained that he was
compelled to drive them to drink.
Bravo, T. W.!
WE admire T. W. greatly! 'Cos why ? Look here-
The anonymous scatterer of the donations of 1,000 is still at work-the Secretary
of the "Associate Institution for Enforcing the Laws for the Protection of Women "
having just acknowledged the receipt of 1,000 from T. W."
If T. W. will only send one of his thousand pounders to us, we'll see
that the money is expended properly. We would even undertake to
superintend its expenditure personally. We can't say more!
No More on that Head.
THIS is a toss-up-head or tail:-
A Missouri newspaper claims that the hogs of that State are so fat that in order to
find out where their heads are it is necessary to make them squeal, and then
judge by the sound.
We know some pig-headed people, whom we have to make squeal, but
to judge by the sound we rather think it is waste of time trying to
find where their heads are, for when we've got them there's nothing in
On a Late Abdication.
QUEEN ISABELLA'S virtues little known ?
Nay! one great virtue recently she's hit on-
Necessity She abdicates a throne
The Spanish people will not let her sit on!
The Great Pan.
THIS is what we must expect in such warm quarters :-
A great fire has taken place at Panama. Much of the city hai been destroyed.
As the old proverb observes, Out of the frying Pan(ama) into the
WHAT THE SEA-BOARD MUST BE MADI or.-Beech.
VOL. XII. B
16 FTUJN [JULY 16, 1870.
FUN OFFICE, Wefdns4dy Jidy 13th, 1870.
HE enquiry into the mismanagement to which we owe ow he fatal
march of the 9th and 94th regiments to Aldershot has not
elicited any satisfactory explanation. The question has been
concealed in a cloud of dust as obstinate and injurious as that
which choked our brave men on the march. Such. is vear the result of
enquiries addressed to offices which are marere d.tape stets. "Please,
sir, wasn'tt me, twas another boy" is a fair type (in grammar and
everything else) of official language under such circumstances.
Meanwhile there stands the fact, that ini times of peace our soldiers are
as much exposed to injury and even dest1t on the march, from one
station to another, as they would-be in the field. The-authorities may
consider men mere food. for powder ; "-but food for dust-for
sunstroke-for thirst-for heat, they ought not th be, unless the
stipulation be made on enlisting them. But we dare not hope that
the time is yet come when tee British soldier may cast off his
shoulders the Red Tape Monster that is the constant burden of
DOUBLE ACROSTIC,; No. 75-.
Is it never going to change,
This season strange ?
Is St. Within's power o'er
For evermore ?
This long-continued dryness is a bore!
1. In lock and key you'll find it;
And yet odd times -there be,
When guardians just to bind it,
Put it under lock and key.
2. When he, a special, paced the street
At time of Chartist row,
Say, did he think, while on the beat,
To be what he is now ?
3. A temple by a waterfall-
What did hat did that stream MACALAY call ?
4. One of great CEsA.W's words, when in his mantle's fold
He hid his dying face, and o'er the pavement roiled
Unto a statue's base where stood hi- foe of old.
5. Up on a broomstick through the sky-
Such was the dame's delight-
Over the housetops and trees to fly-
To fly-to fly by night.
6. There are few Britons true, I wis,
Will murmur if you call them this.
7. It has no jaws, yet deep can bite,
And mighty is its power ;
It has no teeth, yet with delight
Will warriors' swords devour.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 173. -Show, eDogs: Send, Hidalgo,
CORRECT SOLusTIONe OF ACsOSTIC No. 173, RECOivpD JLY 6th.-Timothy & Co.;
D. E. I. ; B. P. K. ; Slodger and inoy ; Saur Lemn ; Chummi ; Old Maid;
taby's Ghost; Gelah; Beautiful Clara ; J. Gibbons.
THn amusing essayist of the Sunday Times-Rambler-mentions in
a recent paper:-
An objectionable man who siegs something about "All among the A, boys, all
among the A."
Might not this notion returned to use in the Educaition Bill? Infant
schools might begin to learn their letters by singing it, say to a '0
boy accompaniment ?
To the Pur-puss.
WE are informed that the success of the Dog-show at the Crystal
Palace has suggested to some ladies the propriety of a Cat-show. We
cannot fels-itate them on the notion.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
I DARESAY you have thought me very obdurate and hard-hearted not
to have replied to your repeated solicitations for forgiveness, and I
also dare say you have wondered how your offers to double my salary
and lighten my labours should have proved ineffectuaL If my first
surmise be correct your mistake has been great indeed, for my heart
has yearned much towards you, yea, even as to a repentant Bon, when-
ever the postman has delivered one of your missives of peace and
good will. But the knowledge that before you held out the hand of
friendship you had been trying to discover a powerful sporting pen to
succeed me, stopped the generous impulse ere it had time to develop
itself and carry me in a whirlwind of emotion to Fleet-street.- As
never had any fear for the result ei yew researches, I. can now, on their
complete failure, afford, to be agmnimousa and, upon condition that
you consent to print this explmantim of matters-to te thousands, who
mourned my retirement, I will again proceed to vaticinate for you.
But, remember, should I ever favor you with, a selection from my
favourite poetic muse and yt refus*eto insert it, notting-no not even
another of those brand-new rustling fliasies- nothing, I say, will
induce me to extend your ce'aitation m hde future.
[We in a weak moment agreed ot publish our correspondent's
manifesto, imagining that he woulv confin himself to'.facts. That we
never break a promise once given no matter how extorted, the fore-
going is evidence ; but we rt serve to ourselves the right of advising
our readers to wash the prophefa statement down- with something
equally strong, or it is more than, Ilye to stick by the way.]
I have, owing to my long silence, had no opportunity of reminding
- my readers that Kennington, the, winner of the Northumberland
Plate, was' selected by me when a long price was obtainable. I did
intend to publish a poem commemorative of my triumph, as I alone
predicted or thought of him at the time of which I speak; there are,
however, various reasons why for the present I prefer plain-very
plain-prose. But, spite of the machinations of the envious and
obtuse, you shall have it yet. And now to business.
The acceptance for the Goodwood Stakes-" Glorious Goodwood" is
I think the one effort att alliteration made by sporting writers. Stay
though, one bright particular star of the turf did, in a moment of
mirth and munificence of mind-most probably when returning from
the races in a" pleasure" van hit upon the wonderful idea of
happy y 'Ampton." And as this is doubtless the way in which he
pronounces the adjective the amount of ability necessary for its being
worked up into aa joke- and a joke is no common thing in a sporting
piper-is not to be lightly passed over. This is the genius who
expressed his pride in his country when she "fostered an episode."
And I daresay she was also proud of having accomplished so difficult
a task. I can't make out though how it was done. But then I always
Let me see. I think I had got to the Goodwood Stakes, which
contains twenty-eight acceptance, but the first horse will very likely
be found among the following half-dozen:-
CA-P'rALISTE. SWEET SOUND.
MIss SHEPPAlRD. PUiNcE HENRY.
RIATLEPAT.. RRYEN nOE.
Just try to. discover the winner. I know him and will let you
know next week. AuosPua.
M2a. YOUNG-a poet little read nowadays-says, "We take no note
of time, save by its loss." That's what the Indiana watchmaker must
do in this clock-case:-
A thief in Indiana, who stole the regulator from a watchmaker's establishment,
was kind enough to set another clock with the correct time, and to leave a note to
that ef ict' .
We regret to trink that the late 'MR. THOMAS MOORE is concerned in
this robbery. The thief seems to have been acting on his advice -
The best of all ways
To lengthen our diys
Is to steal a few hours-
W\hich he did _______
THIS is from a Yankee paper :-
A Pennsylvania bachelor thus gets after lovely woman: I impeach her in the
name of the great whale of the ocean, whose bones are torn asunder to enable her
to keep straight. I impeach her in the nane of the p'racock, whose strut, without
his pe mission, she has stealthily and without honour assumed. I impeach her in
the name of the horse, whose tail she has perverted from its use to the making of
wavy tresses to decorate the back of the head and neck. I impeach her in the name
of the kangaroo, whose beautiful figureshe, in taking upon herself the Grecian berd,
has brought into ill favour and disrepute.
Tn England of course the Grecian Bend cannot be copied from the
kangaroo, which is only to be met with in the Zoo; so our women
copy the goose! They say it's .their natural walk, but we- call it
'SC----- ME UC -
IFFS STARCH J .... .
(SUGGESTED BY A RECENT COtRESPONDENCE IN A DAILY PAPER.)
1. I always make a point of keeping my eyes cast down while travelling by rail. Yours, &c., 4. The unmitigated brute continued to stare at the lady seated opposite to him. Had he carried the
MODESTY." annOyaDce any farther, I Should have felt bound to interfere.-Yours, &a., BAnAoa."
2. "Let me catch the scoundrel, and I will administer such severe chastisement that the rascal shall not Eoon 5. "I gave the ruffian no opportunity to stare my wife out of countenance, keeping my eyes fixed sternly on
forget it!-Yours, &c., A LIoN ROUSEn." him all the while.-Yours, &c., A FoMn HUSBAND."
3. I consider' Modesty's' remarks quite unfounded. I frequently travel and was never annoyed by gen- 6. Which eo far from their a-starin' at me, theywon't look at a 'elpless fleldmale a-strugglin' for to get out,
tiemen staring at me.-Yours, &c., A GIDDo GIRL." and as for offering of 'er a 'and, lor, bless you, no 1-Yours, MARTHA."
tlme Strn t .--ors &., AGDYIR." and as for offering of'er a land, lot, bless you, no !--Yours, MARTHA."
F TJ N .-JULY 16, 1870.
- ----~ -~
A, / /~
THE OLD MAN OF THE (OFFI)SEA8.
JULY 16, 1870.]
THE COURIER OF LYONS;
ACT I.-Public Boom in a Paris Cafe. CHOPPA D and FOUINARD
CKOPPArD.-Courriol should be here.
FOUINARD.-He should. How amused he will be to see that I have
reddened my nose, chalked my face, and blacked my nostrils. These
effects combined with my fascinating knack of turning my lips inside
out, will, I think, prove entertaining.
CHOPPARD.-By way of giving local colour to this scene I may state
that my father bred a celebrated racehorse with the thoroughly French
name Daddy Long Legs."
COURRIOL.-Has Dubose, our captain, arrived yet ?
CHOPPARD.-He has not. But my father bred, &e.
Enter LESURQUES, with some aristocratic friends.
LESUvQUEs.-Let us be happy, for we are good.
His FRIENDS.-You are good.
LEsURQUEs.-I rather think I am. [Exeunt to carouse.
CouRRIOL.-Lesurques is an old schoolfellow of mine.
Enter DuBosc (who is exactly like LESURnQUE, only dirtier).
DuBosc.-You are here ? 'Tis well. To-night I have planned to
stop the mail from Lyons, which carries untold gold. Yoi will assist
ALL.-We will! [Exeunt.
DUBOSC.-Now I am alone!
Dunose.-Ha! My wife!
JANETTL.-Give me money!
JANETTE.-Then beware !
SCENE 2.-Exterior of the Lion Inn at Lieursaint, kept ?ty LESURQUES'
father. Enter LESURQUES' father and JOLIQUET.
LEBURQUES' FATHER.-I am starving. It is eleven o'clock p.m., so
I will go and sell my inn by auction. (Does so.)
JoLIQUET.-Oh, my eye, I'm so frightened at being left alone!
Enter LESURQUES Senior.
LxseBuirs.-Boy, give me some wine.
(JOLIQUET descends into cellar to get wine.)
LEsuuQvU.s--I am a wealthy man and my father is starving.. So I
have adopted a rather involved and unnecessarily intricate method of
relieving him. I will leave a few Napoleons in his room and depart.
[He-does so, and exit.
Enter Dunosc and his wicked pals.
DUBOsC.-Boy, some wine !
JOLIQUET (coming from cellar and b&lZeving the speaker to beLEsuaRQUzs).
-Here it is! Oh my! There are four of 'em !
(They take wine and look the boy in the cellar..),
DUnosc.-Here comes the mail. Look out.
The Kail which has evidently had a very rough and dislocating journey
from Lyons, enters, driven by two perfectly fresh horses.
[NOTE FOR THE MANAGEMENT.-If the horses had been carefully wiped
down with a sponge dipped in warm water before they appeared on the
stage, they would have steamed in a natural and effective manner.]
Deuose.-Ha! ha I
All fire at everybody. A Courier is killed. The MaiT is robbed of gold,
which is carried loose in a deal box. Enter LESURQUEa father.
DuBosc fi--es at him and hits him in the shoulder.
LESURQUES' FATHER (who is not a wise father, and who consequently,
believes DUnosc to be his son).-Ha! ha! My son! [ Falls insensible.
ACT II.-Library in the House of M. LzsunQUEs, Paris.-LEsUnQuEss
discovered with his daughter JooLY, Danime (her young man), DOTRVA
(a beak), and others. Also, LEBURQ"Us' father and COTTRIOL.
DonvAL.-Well I will say this-you are the very best man in the
DOR'VAL.-But I say, yes.
LEsURQUES.-Well, well, perhaps I am.
Enter a very long Commnissary of. Police, with a very tall cocked hat put on
for some diplonvatic reason wrong side before. Oh, everybody, do-go and
ses this Commissary of Police !
COMMISSARY.-Moossoo Lesook, the Jongdarmes tell me that Dumong
the Courier of Lyons was murdered last night at the Leeong Inn at
Loorsang. Ha! ha! (Goes mad.)
LESuRQUFS' FATHER (looking sternly at his son).-It is a-too terruo!
I was there and saw it all !
DORVAL (who sees at a glance the ralue of this old gentleman's evidence).
-Then we will have your testimony.
Enter Jongdarmes with CHorrAnn.
CHOPPAnn.-I saw itall. (Sees LEsuRQUES and thinks it is DunosC.)
(Aside.) Hallo! Dubose collared!
DORVAL (who is no fool).-Then your evidence also will be valuable.
Enter Jongdarmes with JOLIQUET.
JOLIQUET.- I was present and saw the murder committed.
DORVAL (with singular keenness of perception).-Then we will examine
JOLIQUET (sees LESURQvES and thinks it is Dunosco).-Hallo There
he his! That's the man!
DORVAL.-Oh, impossible. That is the best man in the world!
LESURQUES.- Quite so.
JOLIQUET.-I don't care-he did it; and there's another! (pointing
to COURRIOL). And there is a third (pointing to CHOPrvARiD).
LESURQuES.- Oh, ridiculous'
JOLIQUET.-But my master saw it all--didn't you F? (To FATHER
FATHER LESURQUEs.-I did. (Struggles with his emotion.)
DoRvAL.-Did your son commit the murder ?
FATHEr LEsuRQUEs.-He did! (Aside.) I'll teach my son to let
me starve at Lieursaint while he lives like a fighting nock at Paris I
DORVAL (like lightning).-Then he had better be securedt
The Commissary immediately-- but, oh, do go and see what the Commis-
sary does They secure him. Tableau.
ACT III.-Chamber overlooking Garden. Night. JANETTE and JOOLY
JANETTE.-I am certain your father is innocent. At the moment of
the murder he was at Choppard's stables. Here is Madame Choppard's
day-book, and here is the entry that proves it. As this is a document
of inestimable value, I will leave it here by the open window.
Enter Dunose, by window.
DUBOsc.-That page will prove my death. I will abstract it.
[Does so and exit.
SCENE 2.-Here we have the Commnissary again. He must be seen to be
believed. Truth is stranger than fiction.
SCENE 3.-First floor of Cabaret, overlooking place of execution, which is
evidently (on this occasion) somewhere in the line de la P'aix. At all
events the west front of Hotre Dame is seen in the distance.
Dunosc.-The crowd has assembled. Hark to its murmur. (Hlr
harks R. Murmur avronds from L.) Here is the condemned man. lie
is like me. Ha! ha In another minute he will have perished!
Eh! What's that ? The crowd points to this window, and rushes
this way! Gracious, they are going to arrest me I (Shuts the door
and draws a knife.)
(Peculiar noise, as of gigaontie luifer match being struck. The door is
broken down, and many Jongdarmes enter, with a clean crowd.)
SOME IrnDY.-There he is! Seize him 1
General seuffle. The longdarmes seize D nousc.
DouvAL.-Then you really didn't commit the murder ?
LEBURQUES (irritated).-Of course I didn't.
DoivAL.- I always said you were the best man in the world !
OURSELEvs.-A very striking play, excellently acted by Ma. Vezriw,
Mr. ATKINS, MR. MACLEAN and MB. SOUTAR. Miss FARIsEN is
admirable as Joliquet. Mns. LEIGH (an excellent actress, who has not
yet taken her legitimate place on the stage) plays Janetto extremely
well. But the Commissary of Police is worth all the money.
Not Easily S(h)uited.
Reynolds's Paper, which is not an ardent admirer of kings or princes,
A return match at pigeon shooting took place on Monday between members of the
Peers and the Commons. The former won by one bird. IThe prince of Wales, as on
the previous occasion, shot the worst of the peers.
Surely if His Royal Highness in person takes so. much trouble to
reform the peerage our contemporary might award him something
more than the above bare statement. We are anxious however to
learn which of the peers was selected as being the worst, and how the
choice was effected. And now that he is shot will there be an inquest,
or will it be a case of mere "rubbish shot" ? Anyhow we are glad
the Prince of Wales has started this new sport-it is ever so much
more manly than shooting poor maimed and. terrified pigeons!
22 F U N [JuLY 16, 1370.
BY OUR SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
LATELY, on one of those dusty, dull, dismal days, when the country
was sadly in want of that rain which obstinately refused to fall, but
which prevented the glorious sun shining on the face of the painfully
parched portions of pasture that in suburban districts are called
meadows, I found myself in the immediate vicinity of Hendon and of
a moving column of particles such as might have gladdened the heart
of PROFESSOR TYNDALL, but which had quite a different effect upon
mine, operating as they did upon eyes, nose, and mouth, in a neigh-
bourhood too, where the beer had been through those mysterious
operations befitting the requirements of a Foresters' FAte. And,
strange as were the disguises assumed by these same foresters, the
halt, the lame, and the purblind, having by some strange fatality
selected the garments most fitted for the display of the manly form
and the exhibition of adolescent vigour, the beer was in one or two
establishments disguised still more strongly; for were it not for the
faith one always puts in publicans, the thirsty one might with
justice have doubted the existence of anything but the sediments of
brewers' apron-washings in any of the liquor sold in the neighbourhood
of Hendon on this black Monday. I'm fond of beer (in the absence of
anything better), and reckon myself rather a good judge not only of
BARCLAY, but of a lot of other common fellows'-brewers, I mean-
" pongelo." As I had chosen, in the interest of my clients, to go afoot,
sternly refusing the repeated offers of equipages from my many
friends, I may be said to speak by the card as to the liquor, for I was
obliged to call in at every "'hostelrie" to ask my way, and I couldn't
be so mean as to come away without having something-just for the
good of the house. Certainly it wasn't for my good, as I afterwards
found out. While in these trackless paths, and just as I was rumi-
nating on the peculiar character of the last pint of which I had par-
taken, and which seemed to combine the objectionable qualities of all
the other pints with the additional drawback of increasing thirst
instead of slaking it, I caught sight of the swirling column of dust
alluded to above, and could plainly distinguish the beating of a drum.
For a moment my senses swam, and I thought that the famous
apocryphal army of the rueful knight was upon me. I was soon
undeceived. As the column approached I could distinguish banners
on which were legends about peace, unity, and concord; and various
gentlemen dressed in Lincoln green (or what might have been green
before the march) bore up proudly under their staggering weight. A
ray of light shot into the darkness of my bosom. A Special Sightseer's
lot on a day like this, thought I, is not enviable, but how happy it is
compared with that of a special banner-carrier. And yet they all
looked happy. Perhaps the knowledge that their get-up was as
unlike anything ever worn by Robin Hood or Little John as an
imitation can be unlike its original conduced to their joviality, and if
such were the case they had every reason for merriment. One bold
outlaw, though possessed of hat and feathers, green velvet jerkin and
quiver, was obliged to eke out the remainder of his costume with a new
pair of patent-leather knickerbockers, while his gauntlets had evidently
seen service at the Horse Guards, and much impeded the play of his
elbows. I passed into the grounds ( it was close by that the squadron
overtook me), and was staggered at the sight of another Sherwood
venison stealer, this time with a pair of double-barrelled belt-pistols in
lieu of a bow and arrows. But I find little time for wonder; the
shows are all "just about to begin," the whirlabouts and swings are
in full motion, competitions for nuts are various, three shies a penny
are in great force, the fat woman, the lean man, the performing seal,
the fire-eating negro, the shooting with a real rifle at a target you can't
possibly miss, the donkey riding, the backscratchers, the false noses, the
gilt gingerbread, and the thousand and one other old friends of our
childhood are here, and cause me to fall into a brown study. Dropping
a silent tear over the memories of past revels when such a gathering
was called not a fete but a fair, I warmly shake hands with four
friendly strangers in large green sashes, and making my way to the
bar of my friend Mr. Warner, land for the first time for some few
hours on a good cool tankard.
How contradictory foreign languages are!
Alarm has been created at Gibraltar by an intercepted letter, from which it was
gathered that an attempt was about to be made to blow up the powder magazines.
The recent brigandage has made the inhabitants nervous, but there seems to be no
doubt that this threat of vengeance was a mere brutum fulmen.
What's the meaning of the two French words at the end-of that sen-
tence ? Let's see, Brutum "-it was bruited about. ".Ful-men "-it
was en empty men-dacity I
JULY 16, 1870.] 23
A HOLIDAY TRIP,
"I GAZE upon a city"
(Though maybe it's a town),
Whereon to write a ditty,
To send you, I sit down,
To paint its quays and bridges,
Its dandies and its belles,
Its sands and pebble-ridges,
Its sights and-oh! its smells.
For though we're on one planet,
We're parted by OLD NP.;
And. you, dea, dear, are in That,
While I am at Dieppe !
Its people all look happy,
The workmen clad in blue,
The women old and cappy,
The maidens cappy too !
E'en shop-folks (in a measure,
Like dentists, you will say)
In windows with much pleasure
Their ivories display.
Yes, though we're on one planet,
We're parted by OLD NEP ;
For you, dear, are in Thanet,
While I am at Dieppe.
And all outside their houses
At eve, when work is o'er,
They sit, with bairns and spouses,
In groups about the door.
There resting from their labours
They take their cigarette,
And chat with passing neighbours -
A most Arcadian set.
Ah, though we're on one planet,
Thus parted by OLD NEP ;
Would you could come from Thanet,
To see me at Dieppe.
Outside some cafd swell yon
Should sit with me and feast,
And break the bread they sell you-
Loaves three feet long at least I
A fact I would, my treasure,
To British bakers state-
Bread's sold here by long measure
Instead of by short weight.
Alas, though on one planet,
We're parted by OLD NEP ;
You still inhabit Thanet,
While I am.at Dieppe.
Here, wooden shoes keep clacking,
And tongues are clacking-tool
And noisy whips keep cracking,;
And life's a gay to-do.
Each horse has bells that jingles
To cheer-him on his way;
You hear the tingle-tingle
Around you all the day.
Ah, though we're on one planet, ,
Yet parted by OLD IsEP-
You can't hear things in Thanet
Which I do at Dieppe.
We've fountains and old buildings,
A statue in the square,
Small kiosques, with paints and gilding,
And lodgings everywhere.
Such roses! And such salads,!
But now I drop my pen-
There must come ends to ballads,
And Prudence cries out "-When ?"
So, though we're on one-planet,
Yet parted by OLD NEP,
You'll soon receive in Thetiet
These verses ,rom Dieppe,
Glad to: Hear it.
WmsE agriculturists generally, we regret to say are complaining'
with reason of the prolonged drought; we are delighted to learn that
recently.baby-farmers in particular find it is "too hot" for them.
CHATS ON THE NAGS.
Temple Bar is a fair number. Too late for tle,'caa," is clever,
and Mn. F. TROLLOPE's paper on FRA LIPPO exn!kalh Thearticle on
DIcKENs is priggish, but the argument in the lat dmtwo -pae is sound.
We don't know whether the peerage or literature has most reason to
be ashamed of LoRD DEsART's vapid and vulgar story.
THE Argosy contains the first instalmet installment of a clemr.'stary by JOHNNsY
LIDLOw, and one or two other readable articles; but we cannot help
thinking that it would be better if the leading etoryid not occupy
nearly half the number.
The Food Journal is more amusing than its name we dli seem to
imply; a paper on London Dinners being really acapitil guide for
the gastronome, who is directed to Crosby HalU,. IOae London, and
elsewhere for a good dinner.
The Youth's Play-hour would be a good, juvenile magazine were it
not for the style of its illustrations. In iae interests of art no one
would care to educate a child's artistic eye mm gwphoatpo !
Once a Week is varied and agreeable. Ef the "Derby Day" bleod:
had been omitted, and if all the illustratisim ware as well engravedeas
the initial on page 441, there would na be much room for imnpae-
Locking the Stable Door.
Now that half Constantinople has been destroyed by fie, She Porte
has determined to establish a Pike Brigade! It appears that'the-great
difficulty is to get water. Well, Porte and water is not much- of a
mixture; as the Latin has it "ne-gustiMus non est dispntansduwn"; not
that we wish to throw cold water on the idea instead of the devastating
element. To be sure, there is hardly "n"y difference between Turn-
key- and Turkey.
The, Woman's Rights Question.
Miss ANNA DItxNsox, the great American talker, said to her
audience the other day, Why was I born?" We guess the audience
had a right to respond with- the Hibernian answer, Why are we
bored ?" Anyhow it was rude of her to put such a question to the
people who had borne her so long.
IT can't be said that the American Government when accused of
extravagance hasn't a wooden leg to stand upon:-
The Philadelphia Ledger says t iat during the last year the States expenditure
for artificial limbs for wounded soldiers amounted to 416,000 dollars.
It's pretty clear that large as the sum is, tho Ministry has a good
many lame excuses for spending it.
The Bare Idea.
WE have been suffering very much from the heat lately,; but at the
same time in theinterests of decency we protest against the coolness
of a certain tradesman who advertises daily that he has left off clothes
of every description."
glbthfS tcr g(ran lsyD isi ,
[ We cannot return.unaccepted MSS. or Sletchles, unless they.are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold .ourselves
responsible for loses.
W. DOUBLEYOU (St. John's Wood)..-The only joke you perpetrate is
an unintentional one-the application of the word "foregoing" to your
contributions which follow the letter. You're likely to got on in the same
WALTZ seems (like a good many modern waltzes) to have no notion of
time or measure.
bLuM (Pimlico).r-We have heard something verylike that bdEora,
W. G. T. (JNotts),--Stickto knots-lines aremnot in your litm.
CU UMtBER.-What you supposed a seedlingof your, own is, a very old
ANTI-HMBEUG.-GO and suppress yourself.
P. (Mordiford).-Sbanimitted to an artist.;
I. R. T.-Thanks! Ditto to VELocIPrsD.
Declined with thanks.:-P. N., Liverpool.; V., Oxfrd; ,H.. G. P.;
D. S.W., Thames-street; W. G., Glasshouse-street; OBris;. Prosy; Midm..
N., Rutland Gate;,Mile; Traddles; E. P. L, Pack-Troad; Hotspur; Ibe
P., Stepney; X. Y. Z. ;:. M:, .Dalston; B. Leeds; G. B., Mile Endroad;
L. B Abchurch-street; Secretary, Bideford;,J.J. H.,,Poplar; V. AM, ,
Aberdeen; Thirty Three; R. M. ; T. M.; Cuatoms; Bristol Infirmary;
F. M. C.; B.,. Dalston; D. B. P., Paddington; Binks; R. E., Now
Ormond-street; G., Radius.; A. LJ L., Margate; J. R.; A..B. B., Shof-
field; R. A. D., Glasgow.
24 FUN. [tJULY 1, 1870.
TELL me not of Gallic feeds;
SOnly, when I touch my bell,
AI A Bring me all the poet needs-
O.DJust a chop au nature.
Tender, PHILLIS, let it be,
Since it forms my only dish:
SSoups are not for such as me,
Neither will it run to fish.
Fetch the homely pint of ale,
Since the poet loves his beer;
For, whenever the spirits fail,
X tMalt and hops are kindly cheer.
Burgundy and Claret, hence !
Not for me the purple vine.
Claret comes to eighteen pence,
Burgundy is two-and-nine.
PHILLIS, as you seek my beer,
If an organ-man you meet,
Kindly, softly, bring him here;
He will soothe me as I eat.
S Music is the food of love,
But my purse will not attain
.- s Even to the slips above
At the Garden or the Lane.
Sc Bring me roses for my brow,
Since the poet entertains
Little hope of laurel now,
____- To engird his addled brains.
Let me, in Horatian style,
Carry roses on my hair;
AUTHENTIC PORTRAITS. For I find my onlytile
OLD SKINFLINT ANDn- OLD GOOSEBERRY. Utterly unfit for wear.
THE SELFISH ONES. TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
As a vice we all of us selfishness hate, Memories of My Time (TINSLEY BROTHERS, Catherine-street), is an
A s a vice we all of us sis tears and brothers: amusing book despite the Saturday's condemnation. It contains just
My Christian sisters and brother:at such little memoranda of distinguished writers as will be invaluable
In ourselves a thing we scarce tolerate, hereafter to assist readers to fill in their portraits with details, and
BuAnd fiercely resent in others, the anecdotes are written with a kindly spirit, and an avoidance of
But by far the most selfish sons of guns, anything that could offend or hurt the feelings of anyone.
If you ask me to take my pick,el run WE have seldom seen a good idea better carried out than the scheme
hare t d sishd on ge s m -channeof The Consecutive Narrative Series (MURnB, Bouverie-street)-an
Who insist upon being sick. educational work, which, beginning with the simplest lessons, entices
Oh, the sky is blue, and the sea is bright, the little learner on by the interest of a continuous tale, that invests
And the briny breezes are bracing. the lessons he learns with the charm of a story-book.
Your weed is lit and your heart is light, New Homes (BULL, SIMMoNs AND Co., Wigmore-street), is that much-
As the vessel's deck you are pacing. desired book, a guide for emigrants to Australia and New Zealand, by
You've turned your back on all worries and duns, Da. BRAIn. It is pleasant and instructive reading for everybody, but
And are off for your holiday quick- for intending emigrants it must be considered a sine qud non. There is
But they will have their funs the selfish ones something strangely touching, when one remembers the sufferings of
Who insist upon being sick. the unfortunate explorers, in the passage which says:-
They stand revealed upon every side, The country East of the Darling River is all mapped oat in runs, and to the North
They cumber the deck you tread: West of that country, as far as Cooper's Creek, at which place the explorers Burke
With murmurs and groans your cheer they chide, and 'Wills died, has been taken up.
With murmurfaces theand groans your cheer they chided. We have received The Superior Animal, a satire in heroic verse. We
Th as bad as the chorus of ghostly nuns have very few faults to find with it, and they are confined to the
ThIn Robert the-hem !-Well-Nick, title:-in short it isn't a satire-the verse isn't verse, and it isn't
The selfish ones with the little ba-asuns heroic at that!
Who insist upon being sick. A DELICIOUs FLOWER OF SPEECK.-The Helio-trope.
Nautical. NOTICE.-Now ready, the Bighteenth Half-yearly Volume ofFIN, being
WEmHs a young man is launched in his apprentice-ship, the worst THE ELEVENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
danger that threatens the vessel is idleness-let him like a good sailor Magenta cloth, 4s. ; post free, 4s. 6d.; Cases for binding, 18. 6d. each.
beware of a lee-shore (leisure). Also, Reading Cases, Is. 6d. each.
THE STANDARD, 17th March, 1870, in a no'ice of Mr. Streeter's MORNrING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870:--"It has claims on all
Catalogue, says :-" The practical information furnished is very in- persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represon-
teresting, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this stations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
useful little work." additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
COURT JOURNAL, 19th March, 1870: -" Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold- beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
smith and jeweller, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attractive."
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery." PUBLIC OPrINION, 16th April, 1870 :-" The beautiful designs of the
UNITED SERVICE GAZETTE, 9th April, 1870 :-" Mr. Streeter, like his various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvenuto Cellini, combines information the volume contains, these designs, together with the ex-
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious cellence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat." value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."
Printed by JUDD & GLAS8S, Phwenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Pubt (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: July 16, S17u.
OUR LUNATIC'S VISIT TO WIMBLEDON.
1. Judging from Costume this must be my Native Bedlam.
2. But still I have seen these others somewhere else.
3. The Light Cavalry Keeping the Ground.
4. Capital View of the Shooting.
5. Who would Suspect these Indian-looking Heroes were Inspector
B- tt and the Metropolitan Police ?
6. A Foreign Flower Girl, by Jingo, and Alive.
7. The only Man who Braved Cats and Dogs.
8. The Longest and most Agreeable Range in the Camp.
9. Your Lunatic concludes it is a very fne open airy place.
Br OUR VOLUNTEER PESSMAN.
ONE of the gallant defenders of my country ? Oh, yes, with pleasure!
I have no objection in the world, certainly not. In short I may say I
have stood fire-a pretty constant fire of chaff, not altogether uncon-
nected with allusions to my personal appearance-we dress very much
as we choose in camp-as regarded from a point of view embracing the
fifth of November next. Oh, yes, I've been through that-and more-
and I rather like it. There is something exhilirating in the idea of
guarding one's native soil by sleeping on it under canvas-in the idea
of preventing the foe from overrunning it by offering oneself as a pro-
menade for earwigs and other wild animals. There is something very
comfortable in the agreeable novelty of being uncomfortable, of ex-
changing one's domestic tent bed, for a bed tent, a sort of canvas
extinguisher-for-one. As for the sublime heroism of firing away no
end of lead while extended on the pit of one's stomach or in other
equally convenient and more unusual attitudes, there's nothing like it.
Yes, I repeat it, it is downright jolly to be a gallant volunteer, a
defender of one's country in posse. But I must insist that it's one thing
to behave well under fire, and another to be resigned under water.
Then why the dickens wouldn't they let me make a trench round my
tent so that I might enjoy my otium cum dig ? They ought not to have
grudged a fellow a little drain such sultry weather; or at any rate
they might have served out waterproof sheets, which would have saved
us from a water-pillow! "
Come down ? I should rather think it did! The country wanted
ram ;-we all know that! But a deluge was somewhat too much of a
good thing; at any rate your Wimbledon warrior would prefer to cry,
"Aprs moi le deluge." After all one comes to the Common for shooting
not fishing. And it certainly made one almost wish to hook it. Besides,
it's demoralising. I was present when little TWIGGIN-that's his tent
in that hollow, where he spent the night swimming about among his
boots, the soap, and a box of damp vesuvians-I was present I say
when he exhumed a defunct joke about volunteers and wetter-'uns, and I
blush to say that although my rifle was loaded I did not lay his mangled
corpse beside that of his victim. To be sure, after such a washing,
mangling would not have been out of place.
But there goes the bugle, so I must be off. And between you and
me, it's time I were off, or else I shall get on," which leads me to my
point-not my firing point, but just a little private hint to you. Why
do you send down special artists to a fellow's tent ? They do nothing
but lie on their backs in one's tent and consume claret cup, or champagne
cup, or moselle cup, or hock cup, or hiccup, or some such beverage. They
seem to take it for granted that every warrior's tent has after the rain
become the restaurant of BAYONETS and POOLS.
This is the fourteenth cup I've compounded for him, and instead of
making sketches he is talking nonsense. He says it's called Windmill-
dom common, because there are so many Wimbles :-now in point of
fact, there is only one Windmill, at least there was only one this
morning, and so in shpite evidences m'own senshes on'y one now. It
does look odd, and it has eight sails. (Hie). Unprecedented sales-FUN.
Rain was very we-verywerywet !
ON Saturday week Ma. HAND, late manager with MESSRS. SPInRS AND
POND, opened a new restaurant at No 1, Cullum-street, Fenchurch-
street. The occasion was celebrated by an inaugural dinner, at which
a large company was present, and of which the quality was of a
character to give quite a new meaning to the well-known term living
from HAND to mouth."
OFUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 20th, 1870.
E are an enduring nation. But there are limits to our endurance,
and the Chief Commissioner of the Board of Works has
brought us close upon them. His career in office has been one
unvarying exemplification of unfitness and impracticability.
His aim seems to have been to find out not merely how not to do it,"
but how not to do it in the worst way, and how to insult the largest
number of people who know anything about it and have any desire
that it should be done decently and in order."
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has the reputation of receiving the
visits of deputations with a suavity which takes the form of dissembled
affection as regarded in connection with a rapid and involuntary
descent of stairs performed by the object of that affection. But one
can put up with the eccentricities of genius, and MR. Lows kicks
deputations downstairs with a grace that is genius. MR. AYnTON has
no such excuse. He is completely unsuited for his post, and eminently
incapable of performing its duties, and his treatment of Art and its
friends is unbearable. He should remember that the British Lion
though old is not yet moribund, before he ventures to flourish his heels,
in his face. If not he will probably receive one day a deputation
introduced by the Prime Minister, whose object will be to show a most
unpopular Minister the-door.
WE have opened the Embankment, aiid henceforth may fairly boast
that the riverside is laid out in a manner worthy of the capital of
England. If the ornamentation of the gardens and plantations is
entrusted to some one who understands beauty better than MR. AYrToN,
we shall have a sight to show our foreign visitors with pride and
The ceremony was brief, the procession a caricature, and the
attendance small, the British public being doubtless disappointed at
not catching "a glimpse of the gobd and gracious Lady, who,"
according to a leader in the Morning Latest News of the 13th instant,
"holds the sciptic of this realm "-whatever that may mean! But.
if the opening was not a brilliant success the wotk itself is com-
pletely satisfactory, and we may well be proud of what our con-
temporary describes as "a great boulevard, a magnificent thorough-
fare from the waters of Tamise ripe,' as LELAND called the malo-
dorous river "-not that LELAND did so call the river-it was to the
bank he alluded !
But why should we call it the Victoria Embankmiient. The word is
one that recalls to the mind the unsightly rubbish-heaps on which our
railways are raised in low-lying districts; There is no laek of more
dignified names; Esplanade suggests itself at once-and we venture
to hope that before the .present title has become familiarised, the
authorities may see fit to bestow on it a worthier appellation.
On Building tease.
WE hope this is not true:-
The Sultan is stated to have bidered the Grani Vizier to appoint a connmii&ion of
three members to visit France and England, to study the system of the construction
of the houses in Paris and London, in order to adopt for the Turkisih capital a mode
of building which will avoid for the future any rbecuar cef t a 'oiflagtatioh sudh
as that which has just devast4eed 'tea.
It is to be hoped the commission will not visit new 1,iadon, Whidh 'is
all stucco and lath and plaster ; for if our mod6tn style d6f Bulidfig be
adopted at Pera, that unhappy locality will be wfrse off than -der.
The houses may not catch fire quite so easily pdihaps, iut they will
certainly tumble down, like the castles in the fairy- tale, at t T first
blast on the Golden Horn.
The Barty'S Carte.
Mit. CHARLES WATKISS, of Chancery-lane, has succeeded in prodifeing
an excellent likeness of Ma. CHAnLES LELAND. It was only right and
proper that the features of the great BaiTntANir should ble immortalized
by his brother bright-man, Phoebus.
An Irish Echo.
Tim Aeho informs us that-
A new iovel, by Mr. Justice M'Cearthy will shortly appear ih Tidley'ls magazine. ,
Our evening contemporary does Mle.. M'OARTHR justice; but we
happen to know that though a capital critic he is tno judge. The error
is one that simply requires add-Justyne-and subtract justice.
[JulY 23, 1870.
AMANDA IN OUR SQUARE.
S F all the girls that are so
There's none like my
She lives close by, in Bel-
The house with a
Thefe is not in the whole
A damsel, who can
ComparisOd- for Grecian
Le it With my adored
I c iAANDA.
Whoe Her pa is partner in a
T -e Whose riches ne'er could
Berm rr's a lady high in
f -, f rank,
The sister of a oie-
Butl pa and ma I can't compare
For beauty with Amanda;
The belle who lives in Belgrave-square,
The house with a verandah.
My work I certainly should shih,
Were I not Civil Service,
And so have never toiled or sptn,
Like City clerk or Dervise :
But had I work to do, I sweat l
I'd cut it for AMANDA,
Whose mansion is in Belgrave-square,
The house with a verandah.
I sometimes see her in the street,
Or at the Zoo on Sunday :
Each week we on an average meet,
At rout or drum, on one day.
Full-dress I go to parties where
I hope to meet Amanda,
Whose guv'oor owns in BclgoavecEquate
That house with a verandah.
My friends oft ask if I sauneise
That I can ever land a
Gigantic mAirimoxiail rize
Like my adored AI-NAIiX:
Would she but share my fortunes low,
I'd seek for-my A-iM.&cA
A villa down in Pimlico-r
Perhaps with a verandah!
Da. BA ANi0o' ScQUIRE, of the British Hospital for Diseases of the
'Skin, has cohtrived an inenious combination of photography With the
'iragic ladrni -hereby he is enabled to exhibit dissolving views of.-all
kinds of cutfianous disorders. In this way you may have an enlarged
view of your own measles, taken on the spot, of course; Or c"btain a
eirte of your grog-blosloms. The ingenious DR. SQunit exhibited a
number of photographs attb P I yt -a, by m'.an s o f -theo yhydrogen
sliicrosopeo, and the ustral .issolhing.n:w sppartuS; bt -thre-is no
trtth in the report that he exhibited the eruption uf mlorit Vesuvius
among othet cutaneous cu!fidsities.
Where is he ?
W clip thE folloWing emtfaordinary advertisement from a Kentish
TO BE SOLD OR LET.
SEBRKS.-A Lady, whose Husband is abroad, and having a much -lerget house
than she requires for occupation, & .
We -hall ebteriem it a favor if our foreign contemporaries Wiv&il copy
thies -i-t enxy hadbten the return of %he -itsband !
A SUGGE sTIONx THROWN OUT.-A meeting of the Catch "1iib Was
recently held at Willis's Rooms-why not at Lorad's Groiiundt
JULY 23. 1879.] FUI N. 27
SPORTING NOTES AND. ANTICIPATIONS.
THE full force of the old proverb, Never defer till tomorrow what
can be done to day, is realised in the case of your unfortunate sporting
prophet, who felt sure last week he had hit upon th0 certwa winaqr
of the Goo4.wood takSge, but-whq thought that by keeping the seereit .
day or two he would be able to. awsertain positively the intentioQns of
the stable, and thus. 144 a gran coup fog his readers.." Yes I (I who
ought to have knpwn better) have been sold, inasmuch as the
confusion attgdant upon reading the sporting articles of all the
papers has. completely extinguished the name of the winning horse
from my memory. Three nights I dreamt that, standing on the green
grass of Glorious Goodwood I saw a horse dart fto .W~4 *. reck
and deliberately walk in, and three times on es4 oaas o4 .(Maing
nine times in eli) a voice whispexe4 the name of the victor in my ear.
No wonder I felt epi4eAt qf excess in my last week's prediction, but
in an evil houp I beg&a to read up on the subject, and my brain is
in a whirl, the variopp op.iqng q xpresped by turf authorities having
without doubt proved to me (o. paper) that nothing can win.
I think however I have discovered a way of obviating my difficulty,
Taking my list of horses an4 labelling them in turn, head and tail, ]
have tossed for choice. I have then retossed, and continued tum
operation at intervals until but two of th9 candidates remain. YoQ
may think this a hazardous proceeding, but, as I have just stated #
must be as good as the "jndicious selection" business, the bMqo
hands at which all contradict each other. Therefore, I shall, knowing
the futility of attempting to remember the swiftly striding steed of
somuiferous selection, go for the two who have been tried in the fire
of the New Method and have not proved wanting. Having full
reliance on the pair who have stood by me in the time of trial I shall
vote for both, their names being--
RATTLEPATE and CAPITALISTE,
and I feel sure one of these will secure the judge's flat. (N. B. This
is the orthodox way of winding up.)
For the Qu4RJ think the battle will be between SABINUS and PanqO
GomEz, the former seeming to here the beat of it in the eyes of
PoQUA L ACROSTIC, No. 176.
Now the wide heath with frequent shots is 14n9ipg,
And all the uniforms, from red to grey,
Against the butts their leaden misses wingimn,
Are striving hard to bear a prize away,
Bang! bang crack! crack! the bullets iepp g.9 djingog
4gaipst the targets all the livelong day.
1. The term is over; and for some weeks' Vgg
The lade their studies readily forego -
Some on the distant Alpine peaks to cl
And some on foreign lakes and streak 4e pW.,
2. Up to everything afloat, mqn
Said they were-this river's bobJmW::
O'er their songs and feats gymWtjo
Poets grew enthusiastic!
8. A mixture of sand and clay,
Which every one supposes
A capital thing in its way,
4Ad espec.ialy good for roses.
4. The light airsfail
Our flapping sail,
Becalmed are we, I wis;
So ply the oar
To reach the shore,
And. to the mqst do this.
5. Hail, fair-maids! We welcome ye
'With your lawful three -tipes three !
S.. Cliclcety,elickety, clickety, cuick;
T4e fingers are nimble, the shuttle is quick;
But fi would I s.hik
Such fdgetty workk
With its* like t, clickety, cltckety, click!
7. There are trees in Ceylon, by wild creepers f4spond,
From whose bark, when yon pierce, it, vi come m
Odoriferous ,tears; for there flows from the wepgd
Scented resLm by ggm I
8.. TwEic tao soa e people may consider four;
It would be o4d if weree not something more!
9. H1re lies before the, fire, in sleep profound,
Yt dreams ofe by-goae chase, nmy favorite hound.
So msuow oF. AaROSTIC No. 17.4.-.rui4, Crops: Forensic, Rasher,
Umbo, Instep, Tresses. For correct answers see next column. e
"YouR Prussian pride
I'll soon bring down.
By blue Rhine's sidp
My schemes PIl eawp I
In Spain, you know,
What you have doe 1"
Said the Chassepot
To the Needle Gun.
"PsobAw! 4 not think
Your boasts I .read.
I shall not shi4
Your bloo4 4f 4 ed.
Your head you'll run
'Gainst stores, oh, foe!"
JWd the Nedle Gun
j'o ti~ flkahsep6t I
4 gmeonI Come on!
'Mid war's alarps,
igold me don
y martial r ms.
fA y you Aw
less ye rum!"
,sld t4 e Chasse.l
To t# & Owp.
0 juat strike, that's all,
A,4 you will see,
nSw aoon you'll feWa-
O'(rtfhrown by me!
AN, bo,.tfu one,
I1*ptrike a blow! "
@*id the Needle Gun
TO OLw Chassepot!
with threat and growl,
Wsy fret and fuss,
Threy snarl and scowl.
And now to show
They're not in fun,
aid the Chassep8t
To the Needle Gun-
AThp strife don't shun,
To battle, ho!"
.0 ANtv !" went the Needle Gun,
SBaAg !" went the ChassepOt.
TTUMINSN OVER NEW LEAVES.
4. JWiOrY's TOWs (STpAsW A D Co., Ludgate Hill) is a reprint of
certain admtj to stories, from the n, we believe, of MR. ANTHONY
TnOLLOPE, tk4tely appeared i4. 6 Qt. Paul's Magazine. They are
but sketches, bWt the sketches of a triu artist are more satisfactory
than the elaborations of an unskilled hand; a4d those who have not
read the tales should lose no time in making their acquaintance. Those
who have read will need no recommendation to renew the acquaintance.
Catalina and other poems (BEmRosE, Paternoster Row), bears the sub-
title "The Spanish Nun." We should call it "the None, with power
to add to its number "-as thus; the poetry-none; the sense-none;
Charles Dickens (HOTTEN, Piccadilly) is a biography of the lamented
writer complied indupstriously from all gyailable sources, and plentifully
illustrated. It fqpms a bulky volume, and contains much interesting
matter which will be valuable when a more elaborate biography comes
to be written. The book is well printed, is turned out in excellent
style, and will doubtless be popular with that large body, the admirers
9f CHARLEns DIcxENs..
Op a lively little contemporary The Earwig has made its appearance
again a Wimbledon, apparently defying with impunity the recent
floods which are said to have destroyed his humbler brethren, and
showing himself as ear-wigorous as ever.
A. Nice Distinction.
MfW. a man wlho would agorn to purloin a song from a music-
seller's think it no harm to ateal a march."
CoaReCT SOLUTION op AORnoTic No. 174, RECEIVED JULY 13th.-Sour Lemon ;
Chummie; Upper Woburn-place Friends; B. P. R.; Brother Burke; Agape;
lodger and Tiney; Lindis; Timothy and Co. ; Sam Slick; Row; Old Maid; Biddy;
lclsh ; Ruanie and Kate ; D.E. i.
28 FUN. [JuLY 23, 1870.
SI LITTLE AND BIG.
SCULPTURE CUT OUT.
THERE is a paragraph going the rounds to the effect that the veteran artist, GEORGE CRUxICK-
SHANK, has been commissioned to prepare a design for a monument of BRUCE. At first we thought
it was to be an effigy of the Home Secretary mounted on an "improved" cab-horse, elevated on a
mound cast from the metal of disused lamps. But it appears after all that it is a grave national
tribute to KING ROBERT BRUCE. MR. ORUICKSHANK'S genius has defied time and flourished un-
diminished by Teetotalism. In his own line none but himself can be his parallel, and England
may well be proud of him. But the popular caricaturist is an artist not a sculptor, and we are at
a loss to understand why he has been called upon to design a monument. Furthermore, the
popular artist is above all things an inimitable caricaturist-we might almost say a caricaturist
malgre lui; and we cannot but call to mind ROBsoN's quaint this is not a comic song," d-propos
of the possible necessity for engraving this is not a lark! on the BRucE monument.
THE RUSSIAN EXHIBITION TO OUR TASTE. A Diner d la Busse.
" The child is father to the man ".-WonDSORTaH.
THus wrote, in a moment of weakness,
A great metaphysical bard;
But the phrase, I submit in all meekness,
Is not worth a minute's regard.
It is merely a random assertion
That looks rather lofty in rhyme;
And, with people who read The Bxcursion,
May possibly pass for sublime.
MR. W. does not inform us
(I very much doubt if he can)
How he comes by a creed so enormous
Concerning the child and the man.
I began, like himself, as a baby,
Like him I became an adult;
And have thought as profoundly, it may
But not with so little result.
Excuse me for turning my nose up
At sight of this paradox wild:
I assert that no son ever grows up
A bit like his father the child.
Just observe what mamas, amongst others,
Declare of nine babies in ten,
They are sweet pretty things," cry the
Well, where are the sweet pretty men .
Then the babes, as a rule, are so clever,"
They notice whatever takes place.
Do they make men of intellect F Never;
At least, such is rarely the case.
I myself was a genius-a beauty-
Past rivalry many degrees :-
Has my father's own son done his duty ?
Just look at me now, if you please!
Harping on the Old String.
IT would seem that in journalism as in
the case of dreams, things sometimes "go
by contraries," as Rory O'More says; for
a new American paper which has been
started with the professed mission of
telling the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, has assumed the
striking title of the Daily Lyre.
Going to Bath.
OuR pickpockets are being treated
homoeopathically. Those caught dip.
ping" into pockets that don't belong to
them are sent to Coldbath Fields.
" His Bullets they were Made of
A CONTEMPORARY seems rather surprised
to learn from the Louisville Courier that a
man named DR Bo"N, who was wounded
in the head by a minie bullet in 1864 has
lived six years with the ball in his brain.
We are not surprised, for we know many
instances of men so bullet-headed that if
they received a ball in the brain, the only
person who would suffer by it would be
the surgeon,-because when he came to
operate he would find it impossible to say
which was brain and which was bullet.
Going on Swimmingly.
WE see that the Lord Mayor Elect of
Dublin bears the strange name of BULPIN.
Of course it is a thoroughly national name,
for only that queer fish, an Irish bull,
could have a fin I
SHOWING HIM THE DOOR;
OR, WHAT MUST BE THE NEXT DEPUTATION TO THE BOARD OF WORKS.
"As these gentlemen assure me that, with all their regard for my Ministry, they cannot support it and bear you, you had better try to improve your knowledge of Art by
studying the outside of this door."
Juxr 23, 1870.]
Wrs. 3Bra=m I=n Thinas h lutwlvd
MRS. BROWN'S INTERFERENCE.
T (Conclw ld fr'ow page 11.)
IHAT feller as lived opp6rsite was a reg'lar idle wagabone, and
'ad married a old woman for 'er money as let 'im be a idlin'
about all day and was always a-playin' tricks with them
chemicals, as is awful explosive as every one knows. I couldn't
set no more at my front winders at work with the sun out, for if
that feller wouldn't get a lookin'-glass and flash it across me till I
was quite blinded for the instant; and then he'd take and throw them
deternatin' balls agin' the front door as would give that crash as
would make you jump out of your skin. So, at last, I couldn't stand
it no longer, partickler as the door-knocker and bell-'andle was
wrenched off, and all our palin's daubed with red paint one night.
BRowN he was out of town for a few days and MRs. BILLERS was
a-stoppin' with me for company, when one evening' there come a ring
at the bell, and the gal was gone out on a errand and me down in the
front kitchin'. So MRs. BILLERS she goes to the door like a kind soul
for to open it, and there stood a boy at the gate as hollers out, "A
parcel for you, mum." She says, Bring it up." He says, Can't
open the gate."
Well, by that time, I'd got up to the door and says, "Rubbish, give
it a push, as'll open easy enough." Well, he made believe for to push
at it. So I goes down the steps, and salys, "I'll soon open it." I
'adn't put my foot over the door when I tkod on something as give a
bang and away I slides all down them stone steps. MRs. BILoLEs she
run out for to 'elp me, and if she didn't come down too. I wouldn't
'ave believed as she were such a weight if I 'adn't 'ave felt 'er come
slap on my back.
It's lucky as the gal come back jest then as opened the gate quite
easy, and she did stare 'when she see me and MRos. BILLERS
a-sprawlin' on the flags. I says," Whetever is that boy?" She
says, There ain't no boy, but 'efe's a basket," as she brought in, as
'ad been left a-lyin' on the step; and when we come to open it if there
wasn't my cat stone dead, as that willin 'ad been a-tryin' 'is experi-
ments on I do believe.
I don't think as ever I was so wild in mni life, so the first thing next
morning' I was a-watchin' for my lady as come out of 'er housee a-goin'
to market, and I walks up to 'er and says, It's a pity as you don't
keep your son in better order, as is a downright nuisance to the street."
She says, "What are you a-talkin' about, I'Ve got no son!" Well,
then," I says, "thatbit of a boy with a smokin'-cap and dressin'-
gown, and," I says, "'ere he is; for at that worry moment he come
out. I says to 'im, "I'm complaining' to yout mother about you." He
turned that scarlet and I says, If I ketches you near my place again'
I'll duck you through and through with so'apsuds," and off I walks.
He in general played 'is trick of a night,- so I got old STreBS, as
does odd jobs, for to come over in the evening' and watch inside of my
gardin, and give 'im a good pail of soapsids, as he put on the top of
the wall jest as it got dark, and there he waits, and me and MRs.
BirElss was in the front kitchen, wilt no light, a-waitin' too.
We must 'ave been a-waitif' there till past ten, and I was a-dyin'
for my supper. So I goes out and speaks to old STUBBS, and says,
"Are you sure as you ain't'eardt nobody a-famperin' with the gate ?"
as I'd 'ad fresh painted. Well, I was only speaking' in a whisper, when
we 'card some one come along quiet like as stops at the gate and began
fidgettin' at the lock. I says, "Now for it, STUBBS." He says, "It
may be some one else." I says, No one ain't a-commin' 'ere at this
time o'night." So I give the pail a tip up and over it goes. I 'ears
some one 'oller, and so I opens the gate and see a man a-rollin' on the
path. I says, I've caught you, you willing "
I thought I should 'ave died when I 'eatd 'ifii speak, as were
BnowN itselff, deluged in them soap-suds, and 'arf stunned with the
blow as the pail 'ad etched 'him. I must say as hb t6re it beautiful,
for he see 'ow awful wft ied I were ; but everything a4he 'ad on was
sp'ilt, leastway n 'ad to 'bWsa~oured, all but 'is 'aot M t on't bear it.
I 'ad my rewer onf h tln people, and one S I M s to 'ave, and
jest as we was a tilkin' of movin' ourselves, tltb tlettin' of the
house I hadn'tt beguni A.'aekin' up when on efe.ffi'" I heardd cries of
Murder, '61jp," from- t&* 6fpersite house I $1 6 loaie, for it was
Sunday, anAd the girl N'Ad gone to 'er chapel MA B U'aWt 'ad stepped
round for to see the .frty as 'ad took the 'o`6fs. So I thinks as
p'raps them dries was aA rubbish ; but, as they ke9''i find I see that
old woman at the wind& a-'ollerin', I goes over adid says, "What's
the matteiFP" "Oh !" she says, "He's dead, he's k led. Oh, pray
come and 'eip me a's alffAU alone."
So I goes up to the doo6r and she lets me in, and sh6ws me into the
back parlour, and thefe Was that youug feller a-layin' senseless, as 'ad
been and blowed 'isseltfup with 'is own tricks.
We managed for to gt 'im into the front room where there was a
sofy, and jet fhnh 'r servant come in as we sent off for a doctor.
Well, I don't think as ever I did see such a 'ead as that young man's
as I kep' a-'oldhi a 'anhkertKer to, and afraid for to give 'im anything
till the doctor'd seen 'im, as wasn't long a-coming, and set to work for
to cut off all 'is 'air and bind 'il up. I thought as 'is eyes was
blowed into the back of 'is 'ead, but though dreadful burnt they wasn't
I took turn with that old woman a-watchin' on 'im and applying'
cold lotions all night, and it was close agin five in the morning' as he
come round to 'is senses, jest as I was putting' 'im on fresh bandages.
He was confused like in 'is 'ead, and didn't know me; so I called to
'is wife, as he didn't know neither not exactly, and kept a-confusin'
The next day she got a nuss for 'im, but I went back'ards and
forward evefy day and did used to be a good deal with them, as it was
nigh on a fortnight afore he was out of danger, and then I 'ad to
attend to my own movin'; but I Will say as that young man were that
grateful as were a pleasure to 'ekr any one-and so was she for that
matter, as wasn't a bad sort, though what I calls a fool, a-thinkin'
herselff a beauty as she never couldn't 'ave been, for she'd a toad's-skin
complexion, and them projectin' teeth as don't set a large mouth off
and never couldn't 'ave been no figger.
She told me as soon as ever she could move 'im as they was a-goin'
to Herne Bay, "Where," she says, "I shall be proud to see you, Mus.
BRowN, or any where else, as is a good neighbour and a true friend,
,and," she says, "FRED can't bear to think on 'is behaviour to you;
and, I do assure you, spoke about your cat this worry day with tears
in 'is heyes as aint a bad 'art."
Well," I says, "I can forgive ahythink to any one as is sorry for
it, but," I says, "I must say as that poor hannimal seems to stick in
my throat, as was a 'armless beast."
"Yes," she says, and it's singular as FitnE should 'ave blowed
'isself up just as he did that cat."
I was a-goin' to say, and serve'imright too," but I didn't; but I was
thinking' as them as is cruel often comes to gtief themselves. But that
young man's 'ad 'is lesson, and it will be somb time afore he's able to
play tricks on 'is neighbours nor their cats neither, not but what I
think as he is really sorry, for when he got to Herne Bay he wrote me
a lovely letter as did 'i crdid 'i credit, though a shaky 'and, as the doctor
told me as it was a wonder as he weren't blow'd to atomic, as I can't
a-bear them things as goes off myself afid sever will 'ave in my place
as don't even fancy the gas meter by the hitohen door.
So praps, after all, it's as well as I am- a interferin' disposition, for if
I adn't interfered there's a many as would 'ave been all the wuss for
it; and as to that young anii's wife, &s their name were OLDFIELD,
she'd been a cornchandler's wide? oAt WAhdsworth way, as 'ad left
'er a handsomee sum, but she come hip ffom Herne Bay a-purpose
herselff for to bring me a handsomee brooch as she said FatuD 'ad chose,
and certainly werry useful through befit' Atrong enough to 'old a
shawl; as proves we did nevet ought to 'ave no fancies agin people
for I never did know a kindet woman that that MRS. OLDFIELD as in
course 'ad done a foolish thing in matryi' 'imo, but now 'ave got 'or
work cut out to nurse 'im, as 'ave lost the teo of 'is limbs ay he'll never
get back in my opinion through 'is 'ead beit' laid oten, as it's a
wonder as he've got 'is senses back as I nttVet exapectd Myself when
fust it happened and why ever parties goes a-blowin' theirselves up for
amusements like that is a downright puzzle as I don't see the fun on
myself, and yet some parties that reckless with gunpowder the same as
Mas. CITATL as did used always to be a worretin' for powder to clear
the copper flue, but, I says never in my housee Mine of your GuY Fox
work for me as is dreadful dangerous, and may blow you to atoms
afore you knows where you are.
WE learn from a contemporary that DR. NEwrTaw has at length-
after many failures-established his claim to the title of miracle-
Dr. Newton, the miracle-worker, had a very narrow escape on Thursdilay last from
a large and furious crowd who surrounded Dr. Bums' chapel to wait for the coming
out of the impostor.
It's the only miracle he has performed, but it is pretty clear that he
only escaped martyrdom by a miracle! Or the aid of the police-
which is almost as rarely met with.
A Set of Teeth.
TALK about rows of pearls!-
In New York the latest extravagance is said to be the Eetting of diamonds in the
The notion makes our mouth water-the very first water too. We
shouldn't mind having tooth-acres with such a setting, for we should
reap the advantage of them.
AN EccNTRIOc Cnucx.-Chucking an old maid under the chin.
THE BAB BALLADS.
No. 82.-THE FAIRY CURATE.
SNCE a fairy
\Light and airy
Married with a mortal:
Pass the fairy portal:
She, to Ealing,
Made a daily journey,
There she found him-
Clients round him
(He was an attorney).
Long they tarried,
Then they married:
When the ceremony
Once was ended,
Off they wended
On their moon of honey.
Saw a baby
(Friends performed an orgie).
Much they prized him,
And baptised him
By the name of GzEOGIE :
GEORGIE grew up-
Then he flew up
To his fairy mother:
Kissing one another.
Choose a calling
I sincerely urge ye."
Mother," said he
(Rev'rence made he),
"I would join the clergy.
Pa will let me do it:
In his giving
He'll appoint me to it.
Dreams of coff'ring,
Tithe and rent and pew-rate,
So inflame me
(Do not blame me),
That I'll be a curate."
She, with pleasure,
Said, My treasure,
'Tis my wish precisely :
Do your duty,
There's a beauty,
You have chosen wisely.
Tell your father
I would rather
As a churchman rank you-
You, in clover,
I'll watch over."
GEORGiz said, Oh! thank you!"
Went and studied,
Made all preparations,
And with credit
(Though he said it)
(Do not quarrel
With him, moral,
'Twas his mother,
And no other,
Answered all the questions !)
[JULY 23, 1870.
People round him
Always found him
Plain and unpretending;
All his money lending.
So the fairy,
Wise and wary
Felt no sorrow rising-
Warning, or advising.
(That's not English, is it ?)
Oft would fly up-
To the sky up-
Pay mamma a visit.
Grew more Ritualistic-
Copes and censers-
Rochets, and dalmatics.
Vexed the Fairy-
Flew she down to Ealing:
GEORGIE, stop it-
Pray you drop it,
Hark to my appealing:
To this foolish,
Twaddle put an ending;
This a swerve is
From our Service,
Plain and unpretending,"
Hawing, hemming, humming -
"It's a pity-
They're so pritty-
Yet in mode becoming,
JULY 23, 1870.] F JlNT. 33
I'll be unaffected- "
Then his bishop
Into his shop
"Who is this, sir,-
Ballet miss, sir P "
Said the Bishop, coldly.
"'Tis my mother,
And no other,"
GEaoGIE answered boldly.
Go along, sir,
You are wrong, sir,
You have years in plenty.
While this hussy
Isn't two and twenty !"
Grow, in visage, older
And the afryf
Leant upon his shoulder!)
Bishop grieved him-
GEORGE the pint grew warm on-
Like a pigeon,*
And became a Mormon.
GETTING TO SLEEP.
RECOLLMCIotONS OF NIGIT AND M1ORN G.s
ELEVEN. I always go to bed at this hour and rise at eight. The
doctors tell me that by pursuing this course I may live to the age of
ninety-five, if nothing unpleasant occurs in the meantime. I have
learned a song about being ninety-five and keeping single; I often
sing it in bed and look forward with hope-if not with certainty to a
long and happy life. In case of accidents, however, I shall make my
will at ninety-four and a half. Old age commands respect, even in a
wig and false teeth, especially when old age has a little money. It is
only contemptible when it keeps late hours or calls a meeting of credi-
tors. But I must go to sleep.
TWELYE. Midnight suggests many solemn thoughts. Hamlet called
it the "witching" hour, in allusion to the three weird sisters who
plunged a celebrated Scottish usuiper into crime, and refused most
emphatically to get him out again. Spectres usually select this period
as the most convenient and agreeable one for haunting the isolated inn
or the abandoned abbey. They frequently loaf about these cheerful
resorts until early morn, to the dismay of the wicked and the intense
delight of the truly virtuous. It is generally a hidden treasure or an
assassinated relative that keeps them up so late. They sleep during
the day to make up for it, like policemen and market gardeners. But
I must go to sleep.
ONE. The common house1cat (known to the ancients as the felis
dnmestica) performs its revels unseen though not unheard upon the
neighboring housetops or in the subterranean depths of the cir-
cumjacent area. Small pieces of putty, propelled through a long
glass tube with great violence, have sometimes been directed with
fatal accuracy against these thoughtless but irritating wanderers of
the night. The sport is a cruel one, though breathlessly exciting;
for these vociferous quadrupeds, being incapable of reason, are not
properly responsible for their fiendish outcries. They probably think
that we like it. Let us be just; it was owing to the exploits of a
favourite cat that a young man once became a Lord Mayor. Puss in
Boots, however, is a pure fiction. But I must go to sleep.
Two. KING ALFRED was in the habit of dividing the twenty-four
hours into three parts, one of which was devoted entirely to slumber.
Howhe employed the other two is perfectly immaterial. Hewas great
King, possibly because he took his eight hours regularly. Nothing
is more delightful, when jaded in body and mind, than to sink almost
imperceptibly into a long and profound Sleep. It seems rather more
than a fortnight since I came to bed. Thrice within the last hour
have I turned my feverish pillow; thrice have I paced my limited
apartment with rapid and energetic strides. I have drank two pints
of cold water and washed my face and hands. I have counted a
thousand. How singular, that with a calm conscience, a vigorous
constitution, a But I must go to sleep.
TsaREE At the earliest opportunity I will sally forth into the
crowded streets of the metropolis and procure a long glass tube. The
fells domestic shall rue until his dying hour (which, by the way, I
'Like -a bird"-any bi.; d.
hope to advance considerably) the doings of this awful night. I am
not a vindictive man; far from it. Last week, when a certain
person, who calls himself my friend, insulted me grossly in public, I
refrained from cramming the offensive words down his insolent
throat; not because he was my superior in strength, but because I
hold revenge to be an unworthy passion. The present case, though,
is one of exceptional atrocity; with nine lives apiece, if necessary,
shall those nightly brawlers appease the manes of my slaughtered
slumber. One is too poor, too weak for my revenge (Othello). But
I must go to sleep.
FoUR. How distinctly, in the stillness of morning, are borne afar
the accents of the church clock I-If I only had the putty, I think I
could manage to do it without the long glass tube. A muscular
biceps and an accurate aim work wonders occasionally. The light
streams powerfully in at my windows; yt even now I might redeem
four hours from the almost wast night. The age of ninety-five
appears problematical: suppose we makeitninety. Old ago commands
-but I repeat myself. My brain is rather unsteady. I would not
wish to live until even ninety a at confirmed lunatic. Rather would
1 go off at once and say nothing about it. But I must go to sleep.
FIVE. The children of toil ale astir; I myself am nearly as much
astir as though I were a member of the same family. The reflections
of the past night would form a painual but realistic volume. I shall
die at about seventy, nipped in my brud. But I must go to sleep.
Six. Only two hours left me. I give myself sixty how. Sixty is
not bad, but I feel my disappointment keenly. Putty, a long glass
tube, a muscular biceps and accurate aim. But I must go to sloop.
SEVEN. Chaos is come again." (Othello, as before.) I shall
never go to sleep any more; "Macboth hath murdered sloop."
(Tragedy of that name, for a chalgor.)
EIGMT Yoir hot water, sifr (Faithful domestic.)
Tit for Tatting.
A YANKEE paper says:-
The women in Bristol, Tennessee, take their knitting to church.
Well! Better knit than spin yarns. Woman's Rights advocates
would do better to drop two occasionally instead of taking one up
as they do. They wouldn't upset one so much if they would "pearl
Hang it all!
Tins is a ease of "locking the stable door," etc. :-
A Missouri toein is raisingmoney to buy a tombstone for a man hanged for horse-
stealing, who has been found innocent.
This comes rather too late. They should have suspended their judg-
ment instead of the prisoner. Of course the proposed stone will take
the form of a haltar-tomb.
A-Rosfsby then, Imy Merry, Merry Men I
ON Friday, the 22nd instant, MRS Rouisny, who has so long charmed
the town with her impersonation of Elizabeth in 'Twixt Axe and
Crown, will take her benefit. There will be lots of crowns, doubtless,
and no need for ain'.
[ We cannot return unaccepted MS8. or SketAles, unless they are accom
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
H. E. (Hackney-road).-If you are the originall" we don't envy you.
AUBREY DE G. (Kensington).-Poor thing! having been imposed upon
with an old joke you wish to pass it on! But it won't do!
ODIN.-Your MS. was so bad, we T(hl)or it up!
VoLUnTEEn.-Non6 of your "if's-stick to your butts! Comic copy
is clearly out of your range.
P. D.-Not, we fear, e P. D. .Herclem p-scarcely strong enough for the
G. T. (Kensingt6n).--You are right; we nitist expect to be yelped at by
"anonymous cads in scurrilous prints," who are, as you say, "envious
because, owing to their insignificance, no one has thought it worth his while
to swindle them into contributing to trade circulars.'" But we keep a
dog, and should nOt like to dishonour him by using our whip to inferior
ROVE-.-Quite right to cut the connection with such blackguardism.
A READER -Good!
Declined with thbfks :-F. McG., Vauxhall; G. E. 8.; A. H.; W.,
Markham-Aquare; H. O. F.; J. B.; Sftmps X.; F. A. H.; B. B.; Enquirer;
J. H., Manchester; K. Kew; G, E.; W. F. C, Croydon; Toodles;
Sophia; KTing Lear, Childe Harold, Southampton; J., Liverpool; Risum
Teneatis; r. .; Wide-awake; Puss ; B. D., alstone; Y. Z.; Theatricus;
B., Leeds; F.M. R.; T. T.; J'. Islingtonl; W. D., Kingsland; B.;A
Cuss; Never Say Die; A Roaring Cod; S. T. W., Hammersmith.
34 FU N. [JULY 23, 1870.
Irate Hibernian:-" WAITHER! THIM PITATEEs ISN'T RHIDDY!"
Waiter:-"VERY SORRY, SIR. Coox's BEEN A-B"ILIN' 'EM THESE TWO HOURS."
I. H.. -" TWO HOURS, IT FAIX, IT'S COLD WATER SHE'S BEEN BHXLIN' 'EM IN THIN!"
CHATS ON THE HAGS.
THE Overland Monthly-our favourite magazine-just to hand, shall
.stand first for notice this week, for it contains (from the pen of Ma.
F. BaET HARTS, we conjecture) a poem entitled Dickens in Camp,"
which is one of the most graceful tributes yet paid to the memory of
the great writer. It tells how the story of Little Nell was read aloud
in a diggers' camp, and with .what effect. We quote the two last
Lost is that camp 1 But let its fragrant story;
Blend with the breath that thrills
With hop-vine's Incense all the pensive glory
That fills the Kentish hills.
And on that grave where English oak and holly
And laurel wreaths entwine,
Dream it not all a too presumptuous folly-
This spray of western pine !
THU Gentleman's Journal, which has adopted the explanatory sub-
title of the Youth's Miscellany, is a wonderful lot for the money, and
contains several interesting tales. We are sorry however to see in
Townsend the Runner a tendency to the pernicious habit of
glorifying the highwayman. A series of papers on Athletics and
THE EXAMINER, 26th March, 1870:-" Catalogues, as a rule, are
about the least interesting combinations of typography published,
except, of course, those having some special object in view. MR.
STREETER, of Conduit-street, whose speciality is the manufacture of
jewellery by machinery, has, however, produced a little book, artisti-
cally printed, illustrated, and bound, containing some useful informa-
tion on such topics as the quality of the gold and the workmanship of
articles of jewellery, the manufacture of watches by machinery, &c.
The engravings are admirably executed, and the designs show great
taste and originality."
Training treats of subjects that have a deep interest for boys, and
would be an interesting feature in the hands of a more competent
writer than Captain Crawley." By the way there is an odd mistake
(twice repeated) in the Dickens obituary. The dates of DIcKENS'S
birth and death are given as etat, Feb. 7, 1812; obit June 9,
Our Young Folks contains, amid other amusing matter, a very curious
paper on How to Draw," which contains a number of fae-similes of
early hieroglyphs of various races.
THE Atlantic Monthly contains a pleasing poem by LONGFELLOW.
We are sorry to see that MRS. STOWE is still permitted to write.
THE Million is chiefly noticeable because it contains a story that is
already appearing in the Young Ladies' Journal. Beyond this curiosity
of literature there is not much of note.
We have received the Best of Everything, The Ladies' journal (with
an excellent illustration on page 417 by the way), Cook's Excursionist,
The Westminster Papers, Le Follet, 'Scientifit Opinion, The Gardener's
Magazine, The Tobacco Plant.
A DREss for the Concert-room: Organ-di muslin with fluted
THE COURT CmIcuLAu, 19th March, 1870, says:-" MR. STREETER,
of Conduit-street, has just published a neat catalogue, with very elabo-
rate and artistic designs of diamond ornaments, jewellery, and watches
and clocks, made by machinery. By this process the most costly
articles of this class may be obtained at a much cheaper rate. The
book is a very useful one, and handsomely got up."
THE BROAD ARROW, 9th April, 1870:-" MR. STREETER (everybody
knows Mr. Streeter), has sent us a very pretty little book, quite a
'machine-made jewel' of a book; in fact, the type, illustrations,
binding, and tout ensemble of which are perfectly unique."
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: July 23, 1870.
JULY 30, 1870.1 F U N 35
'l -- I -, .
WVhen this is the withering effect of a volley in Ryde Park of a Saturday afternoon, who will say that the volunteers are i effect ire
THE A B C MIXTURE.
BY OUR SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
I HAVE just returned from inspecting the works of the Native Guano
Company, whose plans for the utilisation of sewage seem at once
simplicity and perfection, and will, I think, in a short time stop
for ever the controversy which has for so long gone on as to what shall
be done with the valuable matter cast out from our large cities, that
by its present treatment is not only valueless, but productive of
epidemics of the most fatal and destructive description. I am full of
information on the subject, but as technicalities are not in your
readers' line, they will most likely prefer the following, the A B C
mixture being, I may as well premise, the chief agent in the great
Once I was young-that "once I trow
It grieveth me full sore,
For I'm getting on in lustres now,
And aging each day more.
But young, at school, I had by rule
My A B C to say,
And in no sort supposed 'twas short
For Alum, Blood, and Clay.
Much older now, with wrinkled brow,
But yet with much to learn,
Your mandate high obeying, I
Round Hastings took a turn.
And standing near the wavelets clear,
I seemed to hear them say,
"We're pure, we're free, thanks always be
To Alum, Blood, and Clay!"
Full many a word, thought I, I've heard
Of mixture A B C,
I'll to the engine like a bird
To see what that may be.
There Force Centrifugal I found
Ruling with mighty sway,
And he whirled around with rushing sound
The Alum, Blood and Clay.
From evils great 'tis oft our fate
To suffer much and long;
From drainage bad we've ofttimes had
Diseases swift and strong.
To him who makes such dangers less
Most cordial thanks we pay,
And hope success for the sewage dress
Of Alum, Blood, and Clay.
A COMMITTEE has been formed for the purpose of raising a fund in
recognition of the loyalty and valour of the Canadian Volunteers
during the late Fenian invasion. Virtue is its own reward, and we do
not quite see why we should treat Patriotism as if it were not Virtue.
It is hardly a compliment to the gallant Canadians to offer them a
money reward because they have defended their own hearths and
homes against such an invasion as the Fenian one!
APROPos of the recent opposition to the Irish Land Bill in the House
of Lords a radical correspondent observes that as there is now a
" Commons Preservation Act there ought to be a Lords Abolition
AN instance of compounding for sins," e la Hudibras, is offered by
Bridgwater, which has just presented a petition to the House of
Commons in favour of closing public houses on a Sunday. It doesn't
mind bribery but is horrified at imbibe-ery.
36 FU N JULY 30, 1870.
I BY HORACE IN CAMr.
-FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, July 27th, 1870.
WAR, the duration of which it is impossible to foresee, has been
4 begun in Europe. At present Prussia--that is to say South and
North Germany- and France alone are concerned, but it is only
too probable that early in the struggle complications may arise
which will involve many of the states which now stand unwilling
spectators of the strife.
The quarrel is an old one doubtless, but the immediate cause of this
criminal war is to be found in the old Napoleonic policy, which meets
discontent at home with war and glory abroad. It is only too likely
that the number of soldiers, who voted "no at the recent plebiscitun,
are unconsciously answerable for the war. To propitiate the
dissatisfied army the Napoleonic idea is to indulge it with glory! At
the same time France is armed and munitioned thoroughly, in spite of
the constant hollow cry of peace.
As MR.DISRAELI has truly observed, the.opinion of the whole civilized
world will condemn the originator of the strife-the man who desires
to re-establish personal government at any cost, at the price of blood-
shed, rapine, and misery. Both sides in the fray of course appeal to
Divine aid. It is not for Humanity to attempt to predict to which
side the Decider of Battles will give the victory. But as far as mortals I
may judge he will be found on the side of the monarch who with tears
in his eyes is forced into war, rather than with the despot who has
schemed for it for years, who has promoted it with lying rumours, and
calls for it with the voices of a hired mob!
Mn. AYRTON has given us another instance of that curiosa felicitas
wherewith he ever avails himself of the very smallest opening for
increasing his unpopularity, already vast enough to satisfy most
gluttons for dispraise. He has denounced with his usual vigour the
custom of bathing in the Serpentine. He says it is the most
indecent and disgusting spectacle to be seen anywhere:- and it would
certainly not be permitted in any continental city. But at the same
time there is no question about the desirability of Londoners having
some such public and free bathing place. Ms. AYTroN may belong to
the old school who will not believe in tubs and cold water; but general
opinion is against him and declares them to be necessities. Such a neces-
sity should be a clever Minister's opportunity. A shed for dressing and
undressing, and a few regulations to compel its use, would remove
the objection MIu. AYRTON urges; and the Serpentine might become
the London School for teaching the useful and noble art of swimming.
No doubt many a life has been saved by those who acquired the art
in the Serpentine, and for this reason no less than on the score of
health, the bathing should not only be permitted, but, under proper
regulations, encouraged. The plan we suggest would cost little, the
expense of erecting a long wooden shed, and printing a list of
regulations to be enforced by the keepers or the police.
THE Echo says:-
Mr. George Perren will again resume the direction of the operas in English, at
the Crystal Palace, on Tuesday next. The first opera to be performed will be Il
Troiraore, with Miss Blanche Cole and Mr. Perren representing the principal
We are glad to hear that there is a probability of English opera at
Sydenham becoming a PERuEN-ial.
WE are glad to see this:-
It is stated that the orders directing the departure of the rifle brigade from
Canada have been counter eded.
While there is any chance of the other "rifle" brigade-the Fenians
-turning up, we should leave Greek to meet Greek.
Three Cheers for the Chichester.
Two thorough seamen, CAPTAiN DOMETT and CAPTAIN TuIVETT, have
visited the Chichester Training ship for Homeless and Destitute Boys,
which lies moored off Greenhithe, and expressed themselves greatly
pleased with all the arrangements. Knowing the in-Domett-able
energy of the secretary of the institution, MR. W. WILLIAMS, we are
not surprised that everything should be found right as a Trivett.
A PITCHED BATTLE.- When both parties try to blacken each other.
-S -.; -
AY, LYDIA, DICK
why you'd rob
of his score!
Why debar from
his chance of a
A marksman at
famous of yore,
Ere himself made
a mark for
At the firing-point
S once you'd not
hit on his
At shooting each
hot dusty day;
But he certainly
now won't be
up to the
If you come to
the point every
Pr'ythee why to
' compete at
f- di,. ;
Does he now never ride on the tram,
'Mid his brothers-in-arms, who lament he should change
From an excellent shot to a sham ?
And why won't he turn-out, as he used, for his tub,
Every morning at six of the clock ?
Why omits he his rifle to oil and to scrub,
Barrel, sights, chamber, trigger, and lock ?
Ah, why does his shoulder with bruises no more
Tell of frequent recoils the proud tale ?
And, oh, why is no bullseye now seen in his score,
Who used ne'er at long ranges to fail ?
Why all day round the tents does he loiter.and spoon,
With his shooting thus playing Old Nick,
If he isn't a case of decided "gone coon "-
If in prospect you're not MRB. DICK ?
70 4 rH t i
"DEAF as a Post" is an old saying, but it will be superseded by
"deaf as the General Post" if that department does not lend an ear to
A letter dated at Rodel, in Harris, is the long island of the Hebrides, addressed
to a person on the other side of the sound-which is about eight miles across- will
be sent by private runner to Tarbet Post Office. This runner is not paid by
Government. The distance from Rodel io Tarbet is twenty-one miles. There it
goes by runner, who is paid by Government, to Stornoway-thirty-six miles. Then
from Stornoway to Aulbay by packet-forty-five miles. Then to Dingwall- about
eighty miles. The letter is allowed to rest at Dingwall for a night or so. It is then
sent by the Dingwall and Skye mail to Dunvegan-124 miles-then from Dunvegan
to Lochmaddy by pachet-about forty miles. The last stage is by runner to its
destination-about six miles-this occupying twelve or fourteen days in going over
some 352 miles of sea and land to go eight miles.
The General Post has generally been honourably distinguished
among Government departments; but when it compels letters to go
round three hundred and fifty miles to pass between two points eight
miles apart it seems ambitious to win the title of the Circumlocution
It's an Ill Wind," etc.
THE South Kensington clique, which has so long ruled the
Horticultural Society, can at last point to one triumph! By neglecting
the gardens at Chiswick they have encouraged a plentiful crop of
weeds, which now that cattle-feed is scarce is eagerly purchased by
cow-keepers. We only wish we had the weeding of South Kensington!
WHY is a broken heart like beef from the butcher's ? Because it's
ST N -JULY 30, 1870.
iH --- B~k -- -- --_. -
THE MODERN CAESAR.
--- CESAn's spirit, ranging for revenge,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry Havoc' and let slip the dogs of war! "-SHAKESPEAR.
'- ~ jff/
THE MASQUE OF WAR.
BIn him hail! Bid him hail-for he comes:-
'Tis the hero of song and of story !
With the loud rattatoo of the .drums
Give a welcome, a welcome to Glory!
See the laurels that circle his brow-
See his breast how it sparkles with orders.
And his robe is of purple, I trow,
With a thick bullion fringe at its borders.
The fringe it is heavy and deep,
And the robe of thick silk it is woven,
Yet it cannot deny you a peep
Underneath at the hoof that is cloven.
Yet again with the drums! Let them beat-
Let them roll out the briskest of marches !
For, behold, it is War, whom we greet
With our garlands and banners and arches.
Oh, his step is the stride of a god,
And his armour of gold, how it clashes!
Jewelled plumes in his burgonet nod-
And his corslet with diamonds flashes.
And the face that is under the casque,
Wreathed with smiles you for ever will find it-
But the smiles are the smiles of a mask ;
'Tis a skull that hides grinning behind it.
To what jubilant music they come!
How the trumpets all bosoms are thrilling !
And how stirring the roll of the drum,
And the fife-note incessantly shrilling !
Yes, and hark! the big guns how they boom,
And the musketry keeps up a rattle ;
Till fierce passions our bosoms consume
With a hunger and longing for battle.
But list when the tumult goes by,
And tue widowed and fatherless sighing
Shall mingle their sorrowing cry
With the groans of the wounded and dying.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
I WAS about to commence my letter with the ejaculation Eureka'
and thus signify that my researches in the world of sporting had not
been without some satisfactory result, but a moment's reflection assured
me that foreign languages are never used by the august body whom I
have the honour of representing in your columns, except when in the
wrong place; so I conquered the inclination and began as follows :-
Dear Sir,-My steady and continuous endeavours have at last been
rewarded, and the chief puzzle of my life is solved. I have discovered
what constitutes success at turf writing, and the suspicions which at first
only glimmered in my mind are now turned into positive and brilliantly
illuminated certainties. Like a tout upon training ground I have
watched and waited; but, unlike that estimable, public functionary, I
have found out something real. You will think perhaps that I am
foolish to divulge so valuable a secret, but in the interests of my readers
I stop at nothing, and now reveal the elements of greatness in the
school of horse-racing prophecy:-A faculty for "naming" every
horse in a race by turn, and finally selecting the wrong one, combined
with a cool hardihood which enables the tipster to state emphatically
after the event that the winner was always his fancy; a supreme
contempt for any of the rules supposed to govern English composition;
and an intense desire to improve the poets-from SHAKESPEARE
downwards-who may be honoured by quotation. These are the
leading characteristics of the most prominent turf scribes of the day,
and these, so far as I can see, are the only reasons why they are
prominent. In the same line are to be found gentlemen who name
winners by the score, who have a wholesome recollection of school-
boy lessons, and who, being gentlemen, respect the sanctity of private
life and admit when they are in error, but-bless your innocent heart
-they are only little men" by comparison with the magnates I have
referred to above. It was one of these great guns who wound up
an article of fourteen columns with this extraordinary quotation
dpropos of a desire to choose two horses in a race-
How happy could I be with either, were the t'other dear charmer gone away,
and who on being remonstrated with backed himself at odds for
correctness, and sent out for a copy of SHAKESPEARE to prove it!
Having discovered all this for myself, I, previously to starting for
the boatrace between SADLER and KELLEY, consulted the authorities,
and discovered that KELLEY could not possibly lose on paper, this being
the summing-up of his chance by the first of the foremost prophets:-
Both men are reported well, and despite the adage that' youth must
be served,' I shall look to the superior staying powers of HARMs
KRLLEY." You will observe that the writer does not say \vxtt he will
look for, but having studied his style I knew to produce the winner "
was meant, and therefore made all haste to Putney to ba1ik SAIII.m .
In this I had no difficulty, as the prophets had boon so unanimous as
to KELLEt's prowess, that anyone daring to back the other was
regarded as nothing less than silly. However, when they started ny
theory was vindicated and my bets were realized, as SAmEI won right
away from end to end.
Rattlepate's unsatisfactory trial is a damper to my hopes (A
finding the Goodwood Stakes winner in that quarter, and I must take
ToBY to fight out the battle with my old choice
For the Cup I shall venture on a bold prediction, the tossing test I
(which I have entered at Stationers' Hall, and registered for trans-
mission abroad) having resulted as follows :-
SAuINrs . 1
SIDEBOLITE . . 2
SWEET SOUND . . 3
Hampers and other presents from successful followers may for the
present be sent to the otlice, where I have no doubt a few of them will
be reserved for the use of Ao'rPVtn.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 177.
Now inky clouds are gathering overhead,
Pregnant with war's innumerable woes;
Sweet Peace from earth reluctantly has fled,
And face to 'ace two nations moot as foes;
The Gallic hearts with fiery passions burn-
The Prussian breasts arc filled with courage high and stern.
1. See where the warriors of France
Boldly their banner advance ;
And where the Rhine's rapids are whirled
The standard of Prussia unfurled.
2. Glad field, and peaceful hamlet, humble cot!
How hard your lot;
The helpless prey of an invading horde,
With fire and sword.
3. Here are the whole defences planned
So clearly by his skilful hand:
Fosse, rampart, mine, and countermine,
'Tis his to scheme and to design.
4. The family's ideas and traditions
Were aye ambitious and inclined to war;
Its cry is "peace," to lull the world's suspicions,
But it loves carnage, which good men abhor.
5. Oh, the battle-the conquest-the glory
Are gains that look grand in amount:
But just wait till the end of the story
For items on this side to count.
On one page, the laurels, and crosses,
The prizes the victors will get:-
But this reckons against them the losses-
Death, poverty, famine, and debt.
6. As foaming waves on foaming waves succeed,
And fling themselves against some cliff's etcep side ;
So on the serried squares at headlong speed
They ride- they ride !
SOLUTION OF AcnoSTIC No. 175.- Weather, Drought: Ward, En.-
peror, Anio, Tu, Hag, English, Rust.
CORRECT SOLUTION or ACrOBTIC No. 175 RECEIVED .TuL.Vi2Oth.-'1 .1.. r. T,. ,'1
D. E. H.; R; Ruby's Ghost; Double M. ; usic; D. G.'s n ,
Papa's aome; Datchet; Iusty Lock; Scarr Wheel; Skunky; Biddy.
WE are glad to be able to complete the following story :-
A telegram from Salt Lake reports that on the 15th of June, as a train t.n ti.'
Pacific Railway approached the 'Platte river, tire engine driver discovered iband nl
300 Indians crossing the line. As the train neared them they began to yell, anl,
supposing they were about to attack the t ain, full steanl was put on, di.'ingi is
through the band at high speed, and killing thirteen Indians.
"I guess," observed the Engineer after he had "gone through the
band of savages, "that a red Injun ain't no manner o' use against a
steam Injun !"
THE DBAUGrTBMAN'S PARADIsE.-Pencil-vnnia.
JULY 30, 1870.]
[JULY 30, 1870.
THE WORKMEN'S INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION.
WE have had several examples of Workmen's Exhibitions at various
times and places; most of them were mediocre, some of them were
bad. The present one is a model of good management and order, and
the only fault to be found with it is an insufficient catalogue. We
are glad to see that the silly toys that have rendered previous
exhibitions ridiculous have been rigorously excluded at the Agricultural
Hall. You will look in vain for models of buildings formed of ginger-
beer corks, acrobatic figures that go through spasmodic evolutions
when you drop a halfpenny into a hole, and such other elaborate
absurdities On the other hand, you will see many excellent works of
.t.. L:.' fe- Nw clever and useful inventions; and you will note with
; r.i. 1-.t r'h the w-..f.l:. of the Italian contributions there is
r .thi .c-;. i.- the palm of excellence with the handiwork of our
The Italians have very properly been given the best places by their
hosts, who show a laudable generosity and modesty in so doing. The
display of Italian wares is excellent. The Irish and English show is
also admirable. In furniture and metal work these latter departments
are all that can le desired, while in glass-with the exception of the
fairylike manufactures of SALTIATI in the Italian display-they have
no rivals. P'.r -l.an-;.- L ing is well represented, and we observe is
generally the v-.rrk :f -- t.. -.- hand, a fact which we think should
indicate to those who desire to find employment for women, an opening
that might be turned to great use. The industry might be developed
with profit to all concerned.
We may add, that an excellent collection of pictures will be found at
Islington. Altogether the place is thoroughly worthy of a visit; and
the undertaking is not only deserving of every encouragement but will
return a profit to the investor of the encouragement.
We are glad to see that the price of admission has been lowered,
and will be yet further reduced. When a ticket only costs twopence
or sixpence at most, there is no excuse for those who stay away. The
working men can easily avail themselves of the opportunity of seeing
what can be done by their class; and employers of labour, if they
cannot visit Islington themselves, may fairly be called upon to buy
packets of tickets for distribution among their people. The
outlay would be small, the advantage great, and-what is more-
We cannot close our notice without saying that the highest praise
belongs to those active and judicious workers who have been the
executive, and have planned and carried out the exhibition.
AN American paper informs us that:-
P The New York Germans have organized an association of fat men. It numbers
already 90 members, whose united weights amount to about 21,000 pounds, the
average weight of the members being about 17 Etone.
Now that war is declared the association had better join the Prussian
army in a body. Its members are eminently calculated to offer the
invader a stout resistance.
An Engineering Triumph.
WE learn that:-
M. Alphaud, an engineer at Paris, has invented a" steam girl." For the relief of
anxious mothers we beg to assure them that this is not a fast" young lady, but a
new machine for paving.
We should be glad to see a few of these French beauties in our
capital. Indeed we would gladly exchange French importations
from Cyprus for these maids of Rhodes.
A Try-it-on among the Minnows.
PUNTERS on the Thames-we don't refer to those who put down
the "pieces" at 'appy 'Ampton-in their efforts to capture the levia-
thans of the river find the shandy-gaff indispensable.
Please the Pigs!
WE learn from the South London Press that "the keeping of pigs in
the borough is likely to be discontinued." Quite right! It was an
absurd anomaly. Only rabbits should be kept in burrows.
Brought to Book.
TWELVE youths have been sent by the Emperor of Morocco to be
educated in France. Though bound in Morocco they are to be lettered
JULY 30, 1870.] FU N 43
A TRAGEDY IN FIVE ACTS.
ACT I.-ScENE: Borders of a Wood. ARCHIE, a Blacksmith, and
HECTOR, his blind father, discovered.
HECTOR.-Who would not be'a Douglas ?
ARCHIE.-No one-except those who in many recent Scotch plays
have said the same thing about being a Campbell, a Stewart, a Mac-
kenzie, and a Macgregor.
Enter ROBERT DOUGLAS.
DOUGLAs.-Is the Lady Helen in the castle ?
HECTOR.-Ha! That is the voice of Robert Douglas, my foster son,
went to Italy at the age of two. I remember it well. (To ARCHIE.)
Tell me, does the gentleman stand a-straddle very much, and does he
work his arms about a good deal, and is he altogether rather provincial
in his action ?
DOUGLAS.-I can answer you, old man. I am all that you describe
and much-much more!
HECTOR.-Then it is-ha! ha! -my long lost foster son! (They
DOUGLAS.-Now about the Lady Helen-my early love.
ARCHIE.- She is married to James Ruthven.
DoUGLAS.-Married !-and is she happy ?
ARCHIE.-She says she is-but you shall see the gentleman pre-
sently, and judge for yourself. Ha! they come.
Enter HELEN and RUTHVEN.
DOUGLAS.-No, no-she is not-she cannot be happy with such as
RUTHVEN.-My ownfondlove, I 'dore thee! Yes! guggle, guggle !
HELEN.-My incoherent own! (Sees DOUGLAS.) Ha! a stranger!
DoUGLAS.-I am Robert Douglas, your early love. I still love you,
and would make you mine.
HELEN.(aside to RUTHVEN).-Is not this rather rash ?
RUTHVEN.-Howeanheprosecutehisplans (gulp) unless I askhimin ?
ACT II.-SCENE 1. Chamber in Douglas Castle. The family assembled.
Visitors in complete armour on the mantelpiece. Enter LORD GORDON.
LORD GoanoN.-The king requires your presence, James Ruthven.
RUTHVEN.-I go. But why are you dressed like a Harlequin ?
LORD GoRDON.-I do it for a wager.
RUTHvEN.-Then, say no more (gulp), Iam satisfied gugglee). [Exit.
DOUGLAS.-Now to murder him, and marry his widow. Ha! ha!
ha! [Exit in three stamps, with his arm up in the air.
SCENE 2. The Fairies' Glen. Enter RUTHVEN.
RUTHVEN.-It's allverywell to call this the (gulp) Fairies' Glen. To
my mind, it's muchmorelike a gugglee) Battersea Brick Field.
DOUGLAs.-Stand and fight!
RUTHVEN (naturally enough).-But why ?
DOUGLAS (candidly).-Because I want your wife.
[They fight. RUTHVEN is killed. Exit DOUGLAS very quickly.
RUTHVEN.-Ha! I am dying.
Enter OLD HECTOR.
HECTOR.-My master a bleeding corse ? There is something wrong
ReTHTEN.-I have been slain-by Robert Douglas.
[Dies-thank heaven HECTOR goes mfd.
Enter all the family.
LADY HELEN.-My husband murdered ? Let us vow revenge !
ALL.-We will. [They.do.
ACT III.-Ante-room. (Scene between a waiting-maid and ARCHIE, who
who has sold the goodwill of that snug little blacksmithing concern, and
now gains a living by spinning out front scenes.)
SCENE 2. Chamber in Douglas Castle. Family assembled. Enter
LoRn GoRDno.-The king will occupy your castle, unless you will
defend it yourself.
LADY HELEN.-I can't fight, for I am a woman. I can only talk,
and that not distinctly. But my son, here, who is nearly four but
who looks thirteen, and who talks like five-and-thirty, will do his
Loan GORDON.-He will not do. Now if you had a husband.
LADY HELEN.-I ho ei a husband!
DoroLAs.-Then you will marry me ?
LADY HELEN.-I will!
DOUGLAS.-Good. (Aside.) If the little boy is killed I shall he
the sole heir. (To ARcHIE.) Take the little boy and lose him in the
ARCHIE.-I will. [Takes him.
ACT IV.-The Witch's Leap. Enter ARCHIE and Little Boy.
ARCHIE.-Now run about and lose yourself. [Exit Little Boy.
Enter LADY HELEN.
LADY HELEN.-Where is my boy ?
ALL.-No, no-there he is! on that rook.
LADY HELEN.-I will climb up and save him. [Does so.
ACT V.-SCENE, Banqueting Hall. Family, eelebrating the marriage of
HELEN to DOUGLAS, on apples.
DOUGLAS.-I drink to the bride!
Enter the Family Chaplain.
FAMILY CHAPLAIN.-Hold! I overheard your conspiracy to destroy
the little boy 1 denounce you asan intending.murderer !
(But as the Reverend Gentleman knew this all along, he should have
mentioned it before he married the..young people.)
Enter HECTOR, sane.
HECTOR.-Now that I have recovered my-senses, I may mention,
incidentally, that he murdered James Ruthven, and that he has
poisoned the wine that little boy is going to 4rihk.
DOUGLAS.-A lie! Behold!
[Drains the cup, and is very unwell after it.
ALL.-It was poisoned!
DOUGLAS (dying).-It was! Little boys shouldn't drink wine, and
if they do they must take the consequences. These are the dying
utterances of your's truly. [Dirs.
OURSELVES.- Perhaps the silliest piece since the palmy days of the
drama. It is a piece that carries us back to the halcyon times when
Pizarro, The BlindBoy, and Timour the Tartar.were stook attractions. It
is ridiculously played by everybody concerned, except MRi. A. WooD,
MR. KELLY (a stranger to us, but a quiet, self-contained actor who
should be better known, and Mi. E. ARNOTT, who, however, is rather
too conventional in his melodramatics. The scenery is very poor. It is
a pity that a theatre with the prestige of the Haymarket should boe let
out to "scratch-companies" in the off season. Average playgoers
know nothing of the distinctions between regular and irregular
" seasons," and may suppose that Helon Douglas is a fair specimen of a
Going to Pot-ash.
THE Food Tournal says that what lime-juice does for sailors, potash
plants" do for landsmen. Of course first in the list of potash plants
[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
Simo.- Evidently of the order Simno Simplex.
Or-s is out. Subject unsuitable fourour purposes.
J. 0. B. (Londonderry).-We fear the point would be missed by non-I
AGED THOMAS (Bute) is congratulated on his spirit. May he live ,ill
all his nine lives, and escape his" namesake. Don't know who he i,, Old
Tom? The gin, of course.
CLAMOR will never make a noise in literature.
BusY BEE.-But we be busy too !
A CORRESPONDENT who asks are we ever going to have any rain ?' is
informed that we don't undertake to answer conundrums.
A FIVE YEARu' SUBSCRmIER (Tollington-park) is thanked for his let ter.
We are never deterred from doing what we hold to be right, by mere 1er-
T. C. B. (Liverpool).-We have no recollection of it.
JACK SNoon is thanked for his verses, but we have no time to spare.
A. C. E. (Harrow-road).-An A. C. E. of trumps. Thanks.
Declined with thanks :-J. W.; Simple Simon; Wedgebury; Toodles;
F. L.; Myops; F. B., Camberwell; Gargantua; Vinolens; iavrenous;
H1. G., Ponetry; Rob Roy; Sa Fa Ni; Childo Harold, Soutbarmpilon;
B. B.; W. F. P., New Kent-road; R. M. B., Dundee; Moi; P. Q.I. 1.E. R.,
Helensburgh; D. J. B., Liverpool; S., Kingsland; Desporandum; Amicui,
Croydon; Vermin-Killer; Leo; B. D., Islington; R. W., Caledonian-road;
S V. P.; The Ancient Mariner; Q in the Corner; Scotus; Lorkamulsy;
R. R.; T., Leeds; F. B., Liverpool; The Ready; M. S.; W. A., Dalsfon,
44 FU N. [JULY 30, 1870.
A CITY GARDEN.
CLOSE to the temple of stocks and shares,
With Finsbury somewhat nigh;
One step from Babylon's million cares,
And its Mammonites crowding by.
Parcel and part of our civic maze
-Where lucre is all in all;
A AGSTYet out of the world and its worldly ways
A y Is the Garden of Drapers' Hall.
St Fairer and fresher in country parts
May blossom and foliage be;
Bat here, in my Cockney's heart of hearts,
SThey are fair and are fresh for me.
The herbage scanty, the statues worn,
The limits of grim brick wall,
Give a touch of a charm in its days forlorn
To the Garden of Drapers' Hall.
Thither, aweary of drafts and bills,
Twin toils of the clerkly trade-
I fled from the labour of driving quills
To the quiet and friendly shade.
Little I cared though the Bank might break,
y iAnd the Consols rise or fall ;
So long as I clung, for its own sweet sake,
To the Garden of Drapers' Hall.
Thither I carried my PorP, my LAmn,
r -Or the rhymes of a social bard :
I was then-as I now very slightly am -
In the habit of reading hard.
Over my studies in verse or prose,
I was out of the whole world's call;
SIn the Garden of Drapers' Hall.
Few have they left of the quaint old nooks
That I knew in my earlier day :
Lone spots where lovers of strolls or books
Might quietly read or stray.
\ At the fatal beck of Improvement's hand
Their number has grown so small,
A SUGGESTIVE COSTUME. That I half dread hearing destruction planned
A young lady exercising all her arts to P'lice. To the Garden of Drapers' Hall.
Right at last. Mhow not to do it.
COME, spiritualism has at length really done something-besides Tuas reads as a contrast to the way soldiers are treated in England: -
several people:- A Mhow correspondent of the d tofuxsilite states that the commanding officer of
A female spiritualist made 2,000 dols. in Chicago, by getting 10 families who her Majesty's 15th Hussars will not permit any of his men to leave the lines in the
believed in her to bury 200 dols. each in their gardens, to operate as a charm for day-time without an umbrella.
discovering vast treasures. She then dug up the money and ran away with it-a We are glad to find a commanding officer so careful of his men, and
trick which the Chicagoans consider about the best j)ke of the season. teaching them Mhow to take care of themselves. We object to
,This is the firit spiritualist miracle that will bear investigation. The Martinets as a rule, but the umbrella-hero is a MARTIN-et of the
burial of the dollars by the various families did really operate as a Burlington order, and deserves to be popular accordingly.
charm, for it enabled the medium to discover treasures-at any rate to
the extent of 2,000 dollars. 'Guess she was a circulating medium. So(1)d-a-gain!
WE meet with the following advertisement in a daily paper:-
An Architectural em. No more sour beer? Important discovery I Every licensed victualler and beer-
IT is stated that the Company established for cutting the Corinth retailer should at once write for this valuable receipt, etc.
Canal has succeeded in raising the requisite 1,700,000. It would be What next ? If we are to have sweeting for sour beer, we suppose
hard if Greece could not find the Corinthian Capital. the next cosmetic will be rouge for pale ale! Nay, bottled stout may
be made to Bant vigorously! The thought is more than we can beer!
Wyoming and Women.
THxRcEa is a little difficulty in this case:- Man and Wife.
In Wyoming there is said to be grave discussion as to whether their female judge THIS world is full of contradictions! Look here:-
shall be allied "Justicess of the Peace" or "Justice of the Peacess." An Ohio paper says that 1,000 married couples were divorced in that state last
Her appointment was a piece of hen-justice to the male candidates. year.
Why not call her a miss-judge ? And yet Ohio calls itself a United State.
MR. SrREnTEE, of Conduit-street, has followed the example of the EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD.-" The use of machinery in the manufacture
Americans in producing his watches by machinery, thereby saving of gold articles is of great advantage to the public."--Times, Dec. 18,
one-third of the cost.-Times, Dec. 18, 1868. 1868.
Ma. STRBETEn makes his parts of a watch in the same manner,
saving an immensity of cost in labour, while at the same time he EIGHTEEN-CAmAT GOLD.-"By the introduction of machinery 50 per
produces an accuracy of fit and proportion which can only be secured cent. is saved in the manufacture of gold jewellery."-Standard,
by machinery.-Daily News, Dec. 10, 1868. Septemb 1867
Mn. STRERrIE has already succeeded in producing by machinery September, 1867.
well-made English Lever Watches, which he can sell at a price as low EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD-" Owing to machinery they can give
as that at which an ordinary Geneva watch can be obtained, with the 18-carat gold ornaments much cheaper than when they were produced
greater advantage of durability.-Standard, Dec. 11, 1868. by hand."- Court Journal.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phomenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London; July 30, 1870.
AvuoLST 6 1870.]
THE BAB BALLADS. -
OME, collar this bad man-
Around the throat he knotted me
} Till I to choke began-
In point of fact, garotted me! "
So spake SmR HERBERT WHITE
To JAMES, policeman Thirty-Two-
All ruffled with his fight
SIR HERBERT was, and dirty too.
Policeman nothing said
(Though he had much to say on it),
But from the bad man's head
He took the cap that lay on it.
No, great SIR HERBERT WHITE-
Impossible to take him up.
This man is honest quite-
Wherever did you rake him up P
"For Burglars, Thieves, and Co.,
Indeed I'm no apologist,
But I, some years ago,
Assisted a Phrenologist.
Observe his various bumps,
His head as I uncover it,
His morals lie in lumps
All round about and over it."
"Now take him," said SIR WHITE,
Or you will soon be ruling it
Bless me, I must be right,
I caught the fellow doing it!"
I Policeman calmly smiled,
S" Indeed you are mistaken, sir,
And very badly shaken, sir.
"Sit down, and I'll explain
My system of Phrenology,
A second please remain "-
(A second is horology).
Policeman left his beat-
(The Bart., no longer furious,
Sat down upon a seat
Observing, This is curious! ")
"Oh, surely, here are signs
Should soften your rigidity,
This gentleman combines
Politeness with timidity.
"Of Shyness here's a lump -
A hole for Animosity-
And like my fist his bump
VOL. XII. E
"Just here the bump appears
Of Innocent Hilarity,
And just behind his ears
Are Faith, and Hope, and Charity.
" He, of true Christian ways
As bright example sent us is-
This maxim he obeys,
Borte tud contentus sis.'
"There, let him go his ways,
He needs no stern admonishing."
The Bart., in blank amaze,
Exclaimed, "This is astonishing I "
I must have made a mull,
This matter I've been blind in it:
Examine, please, my skull,
And tell me what you find in it! "
That Crusher looked and said,
With unimpaired urbanity,
"SIR HERBERT, you've a head
That teems with inhumanity.
"Here's Murder, Envy, Strife,
(Propensity to kill any)
And Lies as large as life,
And heaps of Social Villany.
"Here's Love of Bran New Clothes,
A taste for Slang and Oaths,
And Fraudulent Trusteeism.
"' Here's Love of Groundless Charge-
Here's Malice, too, and Trickery,"
Your bump of Pocket-Pickery-"
" Stop!" Said the Bart, my cup
Is full-I'm worse than him in all-
Policeman, take me up-
No doubt I am some criminal! "
That Pleeceman's scorn grew large
(Phrenology had nettled it),
He took that Bart. in charge-
I don't know how they settled it.
46 FT N.. [AUGUST 6, 1870.
SFUN OFFICEf; Wdnesday, Aug. 3rd, 1870.
HE discovery of the secret treaty between France and Prussia
d throws a light upon the conduct of both nations that must be
about as welcome as-the glare of 'a policeman's bullseye is to
the detected burglar.- There isn't a pin to choose between King
and Emperor. Honest folks can feel no sympathy for a couple of
area-sneaks who come to fisticuffs over the division of the swag."
But the discovery of the compact which these two worthies were so
near carrying out ought to put England on her guard. Belgium and
Holland are seriously threatened; and there can be little doubt that
the probabilities of our being drawn into the war are strong indeed.
Our only hope is that the two belligerents may fight it out until like
the Kilkenny cats they leave nothing but their tales-not to be
JOHN BuLL may fairly complain that it is quite impossible for him
to have any peace for them. First theycoquette with one another, and
then they claw one another. Our advice to Jom'is, not to exhibit any
partiality, but to throw cold water on both combatants. If that won't
do-well, there's a certain bulldog bound by a "thin red line." If he
is let go, won't there be a flying of fur!
ALL IS NOT GOLD THAT GLITTERS!
THE tangles of NE.EiRA's hAir--
When first their bright chains bound me-
Like netted sunshine seemed, I swear,
With brightness to surround me.
'Twas Auricomus merely! How
That thought my life embitters ;
I've learnt by sad experience now,
"All is not gold that glitters! "
The watch and chain I lately thought
I'd picked up such a'bargain,
For more than they were worth I bought,
(Your bargains seldom are gaini!)
"They're aluminium, sir! Observes
My watchmaker-and titters!
I feel through all my tingling nerves,
"All is not gold that glitters>"
The other day I bought a ring
From somebody who told me
He in the street picked up the thing,
Which-for ten bob-he sold me !
At Brummagem they're made by scores :
Who thinks them worth a whit errs.
Alas, this bosom still deplores,
"All is not gold that glitters!"
Rifle-men, form !
THE riflemen have been in great form lately. We don't mean the
Volunteers: but those rifles, who try for the stone jug instead of the
silver cup, and whose band is chiefly proficient in The Rogue's
March." These gentry have carried off prizes-or tried to do so-
recently from the shops of MEssRS BENNETT, BENSON, and
ATTENOROUGH : but MIn. STREETER has constructed a huge safe,
which is proof against their attacks. On its completion, we read in
the papers, he gave a dinner in its interior, when according to one
poetic reporter the guests felt they were "here in cool grot." But the
rifle-men say it's more like a sell than a grot.
A Bit of Billingsgate.
THE under-paid and long suffering salesmen of the above select
locality exhibit the following notice, "Fish sold with all faults and
errors of description." This is somewhat scaly treatment; a Severn
or Scotch salmon must burn with indignation if called "a Dutchman,"
and it would be hard lines to come the old soldier over the humble
Heat of the- Weather.
ToMMvy, home for the holidays, had a tip of half-a-sovereign from
his maiden aunt.-It "melted" in a few hours.
THOUGHTS: IN CAB-.
I MAINTAIN that there is a difference-a very great difference: not
for him, perhaps; his thoughts, if he has any, may be the same every-
where; but I know that mine vary according to circumstances, and
that the variation is definite, certain, and regular. If I should happen
to tire you in the long run with my thoughts in cabs, what will you
give me, dear Public, for a few choice sample-thoughts,< ,in yachts ?
I have them by me, nicely salted; and they will'" keep. Candour
compels me to say I don't think you would like theM,; at least, I
know I don't. With all my respect for toosy-moosy, with all my
simple, trustful, readiness to believe that it is generally genuine-
though, do you really think, is it F-I have to draw largely on my
tolerance for the toosy-moosy of the yachtsman. Very pretty sight
indeed, it is, that vessel of our excellent friend's, with all her canvas
spread, or even as she lies at anchor snugly in the roads. Come,
paint me," she says; and Mn. Hoox, R.A., and ML. EnwIN HATES,
and CAPTAIN MAY, strive who shall be foremost in obedience to her
coquettish behest. Yes; oh, yes; she makes a charming picture.
Poor ALBERT SMITH-always honest and often right in his out-
spoken judgments or prejudices! How he did try to like yachting!
And how he didn't like it a bit! His great objection was great indeed.
Fancy a tiff on board one of these toys! And it stands to human
nature that, as he said, when half-a-dozen people are cooped up for
as many days, they must begin to peck at one another." If they don't,
so much the worse; for there is no weariness so wearying to the flesh
as the weariness of constrained fellowship.
Your thorough- going yachtsman is the most hospitable fellow in the
world; and this, as a man of plain and wholesome palate, I will say,
that a leg of mutton hung-for a few days from a taffrail, during a
cruise at sea, is a dish that will credit any caboose. But hospitality
even on land may be a bore; and there is no telling to what lengths
of ennui it may not be pushed on board: a yacht. You. must talk of
nothing else but yachting, of course; and even in this limited flight
the conversation is always coming back to our host's own vessel-her
past performances, her prospective. engagements, her alterations since
last season when she clearly ought to; have:won that cup but didn't,
her sections, her length, her breadth, ,the height of her. bows, the depth
of her hold, the area of her canvas, and the number of her crew. The
hospitable yachtsman, in fine, has no perception of the sad social truth
that talking hobby is worse even than talking shop.
Ah, well! It is all over now, that floating imprisonment; and I am
free. These thoughts of mine run naturally intheir native hansom.
They run hard upon the most mischievous, of modern: sentimentalities
-the one which finds expression, or. fumbles for it, in the wearisome
word "International." All sensible men must be sick of these eternal
attempts to get up little games' oft shuttlecock or -puss in-the-corner
among great nations. No good has been done by an Internationality,
large or small, within my ken, which, is unfortunately extensive on
this subject of blatant popular cant. On, the contrary, a great deal of
lingering harm has notoriously accrued in almost every case that can
be named. Fools, who form a good strong working -majority in all
civilized lands, will not be satisfied that' any match between one or
more of their countrymen and one or more foreigners has been fairly
decided, if decided in favour of the foreign cause. And what does it
really matter, either way, if a pugilist from Whitechapel, or his
antagonist who hails from some rowdy slum in New Orleans, has the
best of a prize fight; or whether the. advertising tradesman in
Broadway or a London shopkeeper, gets the principal prize for
electro-silver forks and spoons ? Is the country credited or com-
promised, I ask, by this tradesman's or. t'other's victory P Not a jot;
though fooldom clamours on both sides,. and medals are sure to be
sticking in some people's throats. I know very'well that I think all
this in dead opposition to the powerful' feelings- or interests-which
have decreed a continuance of the International Exhibition humbug.
But an Englishman's cab is his castle; and I shall think and say what
I please about International yacht races, and.International prize fights,
and International tom-foolery of all sorts and descriptions.
A NURSERY RHYME.
Sold her bed once and lay in the straw.
Now straw is so dear, the extravagant cuss,
Might buy back her bed for.the price of a truss!
Like MA onGE DAw,
Now up, and now down, goes the value of straw.
SENTIMENT FOR A PANIC-STRICKEN STOCK EXCHANGE.-Sot. qui pent.
AvGesr 6, 1870.] FUN. 47
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 178.
Now comes the golden closure of the year,
When from her throne the Summer 'gins descend ;
When yellow-streaked or rosy-cheeked appear
The ripened fruits, that from the boughs depend,
To tempt, too easy prey, .the.iruant wandering near!
1. Yon blossom, ieh with store of meal,
Bedusts theihairy-coated bee,
Who oomes itstreasures sweet to steal-
2. Hand inihand
Thus we stand,
Once more before you-start!
Word&shave we none:
Then palm from pal>mamt part.
,3. With Joais and Drmc iwhenifromm'Ghent at full speed,
Rode the master of Roland to Aixin her need;
When loos and the roan both gaveout, 'twas the pace
Thatatilone carried Roland to Aix market-place.J
4.1'.',Delightful task to rear the tender thought,
And teach the-young idea howto shoot !".
aBnt when, 0 Bard, they won't learn as they ought,
This is the sort of task'it proves to do't!
5. Alack, alack!
For puddings black,
And allthose kinds of things,
What's to be done
Now war's begun ?
6. When'HoRAcE sings, I see the Moenads frantic
Reeling along to:measures Corybantic;
And at their headwith drunken vacant laugh
Silenus staggers, propt with vine-wreathed staff.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 176.-Volunteer, Competing: Vac, Ohio,
Loam, Unstep, Nine, Tat, Elemi, Even, Rug.
CocRRCT SoLUTIONS or ACROSTIe No. 178, RECEIVED JULY 27th.-Timothy& Co.;
P. M. A.; D.E. IH.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
Sia,-That human endurance has its limits even you must be aware,
but perhaps you think that the soul of a sportive writer is formed of
different materials from that of his more humble literary brethren. In
your hastily constructed and evidently ill considered letter, you strain
the cord which binds us to too great,a tension, and it is my painful
duty to inform you that its continuity is endangered. When you ask
why I, who profess to know all about the turf, did not select Paganini,
you display a lamentable want of common sense, a want of which even
a turf prophet would be ashamed. Did you not insist on my taking
two strings for the Stakes P Then how, in the name of all the tipsters,
could I select Paganini ? I knew he was the best horse in the race,
but in the face of your orders what could I do ?
[We must decline answering any of the foregoing questions, as our
correspondent is merely up to his usual shuffling dodges.]
Perhaps the result of the race for the- Goodwood Cup will make you
repent your hastiness. Who gave the winner ? Who, I say, at an
amount of trouble and expense hitherto unheard of obtained the
intelligence and predicted 'the success of SmIDnOLITE Who, but the
minion of fortune, the prince of prophesyers, the paradoxical predictor
of proper performances ? Auoseug.
All the Difference.
IrT is stated that M. OLLIVIeRiS very-much hurt at what is described
as "the attitude" which the English Press has taken up with regard
to the dispute between France and'Prussia. Can it be that M. OLsIVIER
knows so little of English idioms that he thinks we cannot assume the
attitude of spectators without "taking a sight."
MADAME PAREPA has returned to England, .says a contemporary: -
Mdme. Parepa Rosa, and Mr. Carl Rosa have arrived at London. Mdme. Rosa
Well, if she won't sing for the present, will she favour us with some
of WAGNER'S music of the future. We are impatient to hear her.
A CRUEL LETTER.-P.--'(It's near 0.)
THADY DELANY ON THINGS IN PARTICULAR.
llowery, New York, I'.S.
EAR SUR,-I've been very onaisy in me mind thinikin' that the
notion might intur yer .head that I had given ye up entirely,
but 'twas on the top av the say I was for the most av the time,
an devil a post-office-box ye see thare to put a letther in unless
'tis the mouth av a shark. Begor 'tis ovur in America I iam body ll
bones. I hear it said whin I wus a gorsoon, that whinivur an Irisl -
man come out here he came out wid a vingince. I wus trying' to get
wan or two before I left London, but ye might as well look for a hlien
that could lay duck eggs. But although I haven't brought out a
vingince, I brought out BIDDY and the crathurs. 1 couldn't get annv
good out av the agint, and whin I expected the landlord to go ovui to
Ballymurphy-ah, thin Gode-bowid the ouild cabin, an' give 1LAIu. ,
lamb-bastin-he took ittinto his head to.get the gout an' was ordhber(i
off to what they call the mineral waters, 'just as if he couldn't hav'
plainty ov lemonade at home-'pon me soul if ho couldn't, 'tisn't fir
want av a public-house. I sold 'the cow and the couple av bonnives,
an, to make a long sthory short, here I am.in lodgings in the Bowery.
BIDDY wid her joke always ready, says, "tis the Bow-wow-cry it
should be called, bekase divil an hour in tho day that thero isn't a
ruction in it that 'ud make the boys at home dance Judy Callaghan
till the piper broke his elbow. Couplin that, I was tellin' Bi)Dx I
thought ye might think I was forgettin' ye, when she up and says,
You poor ownshuk, don't ye know the gintlemin gets lotthers from i
lady," an' says she, looking' for awl the world like a pictchure in the
spelling book, "I hope the gintlemin is sensible cnuf to like 'enm
better whin they are written -be a pottikoto 'than be a skiloguc like
herself in knee-breechis and a caubeen."
The way they talk out hero is enuf to puzzle the -divil. I thought
the cockneys in London yoosed.to spako, but you should hear some av
the boys over here that could talk wid a brogue like a Connaught
leprechaun whin they left Ireland-begor they haveo a twang about
'em now as if they had pinny trumpits in their noses. And they're
always guessin' as if they had nothin'ito do but to make riddles, and
they're the divil at reckoning, bekase I suppose they nivurithink av
anything but the ha'pince. Couplin'that, I think the boys that are
comin' out to America might bring a handful av bank notes wid em
instead av a vingince. Talking of bank-notes reminds me av the
Faynians. I was at a meeting' av the gallivanthurs ovur in London
wan night, an' they wanted to make me a mimbur of what they called
the C.O.I.R. Bedad, I had no more notion of what that mint than
FATHPn O'SHIAUGHNESSY has av aytin mate on a Friday, till a shoneen
up and says, "'Tis the Irish Republic," says he. What's that P" says
I, "for whinivur I see anyone belonging to it they're only drinking'
whiskey-and-water, an' thin they think they can bate the English
army wid a half-a-dozin rusty muskits and a couple av green cockades."
Talking av sojurs reminds me av the woniin out hero. Yerra, 3ye
should hear BIDDY talking about 'what she calls Woman Sullorin'.
They want to be doctors and bishops, and the divil knows what else.
"They're asking' for wominrs ritvs," says she; "but begor the only
thing in the shape av womin's rites I ovur learnt anything about was
matrimony. And if they knew anything about that, they wouldn't
be making" speechis about Woman Sufferin';" Begor, BIDDY has im-
pudence ennuf for an attorney. Off she marched herself to wan av
's tmeetin's the other night, and begor I think she wouldn't mike a
bad reporthur. "Up got the would Drum Major that took the chair-
why do they say that," says she, for bad as she was she didn't stale tho
furniture ?-an' whin she stood up ye should see her beetlo-crushers -
faith wasn'tt anny caterpillars 'ud remain long under that eighteen
inches of shoe-leather. But I suppose,",says BIDDY, "b'twas to show
that their cause was restin' on a 'broad foundashun. Oh, lord," sa ys
she, whin she l she lt the spigot out av her word-barrel, begor her jaw-
breakers poured out till I thought she'd run dhry. She continued
thin," says BIDDY, "in an'iligant artery, and sat down (,n a very
comfortable sate, and there was no mistake, 'twas comfortable," says
she, for she had a Grecian bind that ud make the top av a balloon."
Begor, if wasn'tt for dacinsy I wouldn't write to yo at all-bibut lie
the piper that played before MOSES, my next communicashun will make
your har curl. My respect to the missis-but be the powers there's a
fit av poetry comin on.
They may sind the troops to Ireland, and call the meadows turfy,
But, before New York and London town, oh! give me Ballymurphy.
Yours most obadyently,
A Big Eel.
IT is reported that a Portuguese gentleman has been drowned at
Bangkok while swimming in the river, by coming in contact with an
electrical eel. This story seems to us to Bang-hliokfighting- if we may
use a vulgar figure. We are inclined to rank the story with that of
the discovery- in the same part of the world- of roast pig. It seems
another Essay of Eel-ia in fact.
THE POPULAR VOICE.
.French Gamin:-" A BELIN "
English Arab :-" AH-BAH-LOON! "
A SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.
"I SEE the cohorts marching *
To reach the battle-plain
While the pitiless sun is parching
The fields of ripening graing gra
I hear the conscripts shouting-
'Tis Vive la Guerre,' they cry,
And I see no room for doubting
Their courage stern and high,
As onward they are marching to reach the battle-plain."
So a ragged man
To write began
In a public-house down Shoe-lane.
By the bye, when I was dining
With the General to-day
(To obtain his leave designing,
To march with the Armee),
He said it was their intention
Reporters to shoot, when caught.
And, en passant, let me mention
(Though I don't know whether I ought),
That finer wine than his Clicquot I never hope to drain."
Here he ordered in
Three penn'orth of gin
In that public-house down Shoe-lane.
"But though the order to shoot is,
I promise you, I, for one,
A Special's dangerous duties
Do not intend to shun!
At the very front of the battle
You'll find me to the fore,
Though the bullets ring and rattle,
And the earth is wet with gore.
If my letters no longer reach you, you'll know that I am slain."
And he felt for tin
For another gin
In the public-house in Shoe-lane.
"They expect a battle to-morrow,
With the enemy's forces picked;
And our troops, I fancy with sorrow,
Will beyond a doubt be licked :
For supposing they get a beating
How awkward 'twill prove for me-
For as for the thought of retreating,
1 could not consent to flee,
And of course I am sure to be captured supposing I remain "-
Here there entered a dun
Who made him run
From the public-house in Shoe-lane.
Faute de quoi.
AN American paper states:-
We are told that some few months since a party of Texans were practising with
six shooters at a target, when a wager was proposed that a piece of silver should be
placed on a cork, on the head of one of the number, and the cork shot out, leaving
the coin resting on the man's head. The wager was made, and at a distance of five
paces the parties were placed in position, the target adjusted, and the feat performed
without injury to the foolhardy supporter of the target.
There's one thing to be said-if the bullet had entered his head it
would have been quite impossible for it to injure his brains.
GERMAN Stocks, according to the latest reports, had not been looking
well since the declaration of war. Nor had the French bean Both
would perhaps be the better for a good sticking.
SUGGESTION FOR A ST. SwITHIN MEMORIAL.-Either a Sun picture or
F U N.-AUGUST 6, 1870.
Q.F TH E
DISTURBING HIS PEACE.
Bull:-" CONFOUND THE CATS! FIRST THEY CANOODLE AND THEN THEY CLAW. A LITTLE COLD WATER WILL
0 THEM GOOD !"
AUGUST 6, 1870.]
A TALE OF TUSKANY,
EDGAR DE MIONI TM'RENCI r-FPArrF was a gentle youth. Once he
had been a boy, but with a perseverance worthy of a better cause, he
had ini stcdon growing olderuntil he broke himself of the childish habit.
He gre v up until he grew down. The down was on his upper lip.
Such ar; the ups and downs of life! His eve was blue. He had
ano her eye and that was also blue. His nose was not the nose of his
choi( e, for it was a pug that had turned up quite by chance when he
was a child.
Had he been anybody else he might have been heir presumptive to
a diukedom. As it was his father was a prosperous soap boiler; that is
he boiled his soap, until he died, well off for soap, sud-denly. Just as
he had discovered how to manufacture mottled, his death a-curd.
His son, our. hero, EDGAR DE 3.ONTMOIrNCI, came into the property.
The father, having made a for-tune, made his son an air; such are the
delights of harmony- or money, even, without the bar..
EnDGAR loved. He loved a good many things. For instance,
wealth, boiled leg of. mutton and turnips, comic songs, Beachy Head
and Margate, marrow-bones, black eyes (natural, not manufactured),
hothouse grapes, five per cent. stock, eel-pies, foreign scenery, and
the Epsom Spring Meeting, with the local salts.
These were a few of the things he adored.' Besides all these, he was.
enamoured of CLE.MENTINA CHIVVYCHASE, eldest cousin of an Irish peer,
a,noble earl, who lived by his wits and didn't thrive on them. He had
a brother on his father's side, who married a lady. CLEMENTINA was
their daughter, and she was always looked. upon as an elder sister by
So much for her descent. What EDGAR:wanted was her assent.
For, although removed by the possession of wealth from all chance of
poverty, his love was so extravagant that he had been compelled to pep.
the question, Whether he got much upon it is another question,
which his uncle can satisfy a-loan. What he was anxious to discover
was whether, he had inspired a duplicate passion in CLEMENTINA'S
bosom, and-might count on the interest she felt.
He wrote to her, laying his hand at her feet, accompanied by his
name and fortune. He added that, he.would call for. an answer the
Approaching his beloved, he picked out a soft place on the hearthrug
to kneel on. He begged of her to answer his note.
She blushed red as fire, but spoke not a word. She was very lovely
though not as young as she had been-not so young even as she had
b2en five minutes before he called. Her face would have formed a
study for the painter; it was generally done by her lady's-maid; but
she kept a little colour on a corner of her pocket-handkerchief for the
iprpose of blushing. Her features consisted of a mouth, nose, chin,
forehead, eyebrows (a pair), eyes (not a:good'match), and a handful or
so of brown hair, curled and parted on one side.
This was she. But that was no adequate reason for her silence.
EDGAR pressed her-figuratively of course-but she would not open
her mouth. She only shook her head so vigorously that EDGAR
wondered her teeth didn't rattle. But they didn't-ha, ha!
He waited an hour and a half and then gave it up. If he had been
a good hand at guessing riddles .he would have answered, because sie
is dumb in England, and it.is Dumdum in India! Failing to prevail
on her to consent to favour him with a reply, he went away and
immediately married his grandmother. to show his contempt for the
hollowness of the world. He learnt the reason of CLEMENTINA'S
silence too late!
I drew her likeness just now; I drew her nose. I drew her eyes.
I drew her hair. But I didn't draw her teeth. No The dentist had
She had, to be sure, a splendid set, best porcelain, india rubber gums,
double action, patent lever, jewelled in four holes.
But unluckily when EnGAR DE M6ONTMORENCI called they were
upstairs in the left-hand top corner drawer. She used to call that
"the dentist." Why ? Because it was her tooth-drawer.
What could she do! When EDoGAX proposed,.she could not answer.
She was compelled to remain, silent. She could not even gnash her
teeth in despair. At least -not till after he had left and then-but it
was too late-she went upstairs and ground them. In the coffee mill
-but no matter!
So they weren't married, and lived very happily ever. afterwards.
A Tteat-in Store.
TaE following deliciously cool.announcement met our eyes a day or
two since in the City, "For particulars, and to treat, apply within."
We failed to see the.fun of standing Sam to perfect strangers.
FiGURnaTiv Fir.wonrxs.-When you are guilty of telling crackers
and writing squibs.
AN UNCORRECTED PRODF.
BY A SAD Sun."
Ox, British public, have you ever thought
Of my hard fate,
What time by printer's boy to me is brought
At night-how late!-
That grim despatch, impressed with Devil's ': hodf-
I mean, of course, an uncorrected proof ?
A dreary, weary task awaits me-oh, so
Deep-dyed and sad!
Not all the blackness of II Pe seroso
Seems half so bad,
When, lo! before my mental ken up-crops
The crowd of crosses, dashes, brackets, stops.
How oft we need a space two words between!
To make that right,
'Twixt perpendiculars a dash is seen,
Like H got tight."
And when a doubtful word description lacks,
It looks like some prescription of a quack's!
Let's say, you Prosody desire to teach:
For instance you're a-
Bout to explain what 'tis in classic speech
That's called Cnsura.
An a for "to" you find, for ura" ino,"
And so you're set-to write of a Casino."
Nay, it may .happen they will put a rea"
Instead of "u,"
And "ut'" for "iL." Then you with horror see
What comes to view!
And read-whilst dashing each possessive button-
Your bust of MILTON tuxned to "breast of Mutton."
Or, you your love would call your lamb in' verse -
They make her "lai~a; "
You native hill" becomessa place much worse-
I shall not name!
Regret or sympathy! I don't expect them,
They deal in errors, and I must correct them.
And when the P. D.* brings the proofs up late-
Fell midnight cub!-
Reflect what miseries and toils await
The hapless "sub,"
Who all Satanic marks must drive aloof,
And:turn the slip to a corrected proof.
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
Tinsley's Magazine is notable for some good memorial lines, entitled
" Veterana Cohors." There is also an interesting Australian story,
with much other readable matter. The illustration to Mu. FAIJEON'S
novel is curiously bad, and might well be dispensed with.
The Argosy is a fair- number) though "Beasy Rano leaves little
room for other matter. JOHNNY Lun.Dow continues his story of poor
Mary Layne with considerable effect. There is also an ingenious
love-story, prettily told.
Belgravia offers pleasant reading inM3n. SALA'S amusing paper about
" the portrait of Mr. Pickwick," in Ma. TiOuoINeiY's Old
Peninsular Man," and in MR. MORTIMER COLLINS8' article on
"Coleridge's Country." MR. FITZGBRAID continues his "Loves of
Famous Men," and there's a ghost' story-what more need we say ?
A Sworn ap-rasor..
WE don't agree with the deduction which here follows:-
An Iowa paper says that lady livingin that stateismore advanced in Woman's
Rights than any other woman in the country. She goes regularly to the barber's to
Can the rasor raise her ? No! We consider this is a relapse towards
A Doubtful Policy.
THERE is-a talk about starting a company to ensure passengers by
sea against sea-sickness. We don't believe it will be possible to
establish a safe sea-sick-cure-ity.
Typografici Diabolus-politenees and terror forbid the author to explain in the
[AUGUST 6, 1870.
THE EXCURSION SEASON.
TICKETS, please !"
What a squeeze!
" Now for Margate, Broadstairs, Ramsgate! "
Regularly jams and crams gate,
Where each ticket
Two examiners are nipping.
Up the stairs
Then one tears,
Bent upon excursion tripping.
Laughing, chaffing, teasing, squeezing,
Routing, shouting, "if you please "-ing,
Pushing on amain,
Hurry, scurry, worry, flurry,
All are off to Kent and Surrey
By Excursion Train.
Puff of steam-
"Right, away! "-the train's in motion,
Bound for distant shores of ocean.
Lips get at
Sandwiches of beef or fat ham
As we near
Bromley, Sevenoaks, and Chatham.
Treating, eating, nipping, sipping;
Lunching, munching, pleasure-tripping,
Singing the refrain-
"Hurry, flurry, worry, scurry,
On we rush through Kent and Surrey,
By Excursion Train "
Sing and shout-
Heads stuck out-
Handkerchiefs from windows flying.
Down the line
Snorting engine quickly hieing.
Three times three!"
There's the sea,
Margate station we are nearing:
Let us out!
When released, a mighty cheering!
Rushing, crushing, funning, running,
Grinning, dinning, shouting stunning,"
Glad the sea to gain,
Hurry, worry, scurry, flurry,
Coming down through Kent and Surrey
By Excursion Train.
But, alas, too quickly over!
One and all-
"This way for the Chath'm an' Dover !"
End of treats:
"Take your seats !"
Like a stream against a flood gate,
Back they rush-
What a crush!
"Take your places, please, for Ludgate!"
Laughing, quaffing, smoking, joking,
Chatter matter mirth-provoking,
Hurry, worry, scurry, flurry,
Steaming back through Kent and Surrey
Flies the Excursion Train.
THE ILE' OF MAN.- Elbow-greas
&Aua-sr 1870.] -- N.
By OUR SPECIAL SIGIrTSEIR.
S of the plea-
; o body seemed
-,--to do their
a best, to make
l meant of your
t. d a dent comn-
it v from the
-y time of his
_-- starting ear-
I morning un-
til his return
late in the
S- ever tranquil
and his brow
and when the
company of a careless but curiously clever captain, a magnificent million-
naire, a lazy lordling, a beaming bookmaker, a pleasant publican (who
tooled his, team of trotters tastefully and to time), and a good-natured
guard, made the day as pleasant as it was long-has just terminated, and
left behind itthat soft regret which ever remains after the hours of hap-
psness have hurried "over to the majority." Yes; not with one but
with several pieces of red stone would I mark the recollection of last
Monday; but as this operation has gone out of fashion, Iam content to
cherish the remembrance in my bosom, and to publish my reminis-
A few minutes after ten on this eventful morning, the Tunbridge
Wells coach, bearing your humble servant upon the box-seat, and the
various other persons I have mentioned on different parts of its out-
side, started from Piccadilly, the cheers of half a dozen dirty little
boys, and the curses-of an equally dirty and shockingly drunken old
woman, following us upon our venturesome voyage.
The cattle are finely formed and fresh (the leaders being lithe and
lively), the driver is particular, professional, and polite, and as we
gradually improve our pace, and pass everything upon the road, I feel
that railways are an abomination, and that the essence of travelling is
to sit immediately behind a fast four, and look down upon the world
below. Traffic of all kinds is suspended as we rattle along the roads
which lead out of southern London, and our horses, warming to their
work, skim along, seemingly defiant of the earth and the poor, sleepy
animals upon it. Away, away! threading each obstruction as though
by magic, the cheery sound of the horn warning loiterers that we, the
flying Tunbridge coach, are upon them, and causing them to draw on
one side and stare admiringly as we whirl past them and vanish into
the distance. The guard, as we enter Lewisham, wakes up the echoes
with his music, the driver puts on an extra spurt, and in the best of
styles we dash up to the end of Stage 1.
The four smoking but yet undaunted steeds are taken out, and their
place is supplied by another team, not quite so showy, but eminently
fitted for the rougher work that is now before us. For our journey is
cut out on a fine old Roman road which, scorning to go round hills,
climbs to their tops on all possible occasions for no other purpose but
to come down the other side. Our professional pilot, now that
labyrinthine London is left behind, takes a respectful farewell of the
party, his place is filled by a noble amateur, and away we go once
A few clouds which threatened to mar our day's enjoyment at the
start have passed away or are left behind to keep London lurid, and
the sun smiles upon us with all his sweetness. A nice soft, breeze
springs up, and Nature seems resolved to make our day as happy as
possible. The fields are a little parched, certainly; but the wheat is
magnificent, and the trees which thickly skirt the roadway are covered
with foliage. At a hard canter we bowl along, every respiration
clearing us from the smoke of the town and adding strength and
vigour to the blood which is now coursing rapidly through our veins.
Three or four more changes and we reach Tunbridge, where the last
relay is put on, and four spankers they are, who allow no one but
their proprietor to drive them at anything like a pace ; but with him,
though he handles them very lightly, they are as docile as lambs and
as speedy as anything in harness. This gentleman, whose backviow is
to be found above, is chatty and agreeable, keeps his lot really in
hand over a bad piece of road, and without taking anything out of
the horses dashes round the dangerous corner which marks the finish
in capital style, the distance (six miles) having occupied rather under
We have a whole hour to spare ere the return is sounded, and this
time is very sensibly, I think, spent by us in the lavatory and the
dining-room, in the latter of which places the work of devastation
goes merrily on. From this pleasant pastime we are at length sum-
moned, and with the same horses and coachman that brought us we
At Tunbridge our burly friend and his fast four leave us, and again
the noble neophyte manages the running. But at Sovenoaks a gallant
captain takes the reins and handles them in style, driving us, without
hitch or. delay, the remainder of our journey, threading the maze of
carts, cabs, and coalvans, of 'buses, broughams, and bugtraps, which
occupy the last and most difficult stage, in a most creditable manner.
I am not an admirer of amateurs generally, in fact; rather the reverse;
but all praise is due to the steering of this bold soldier. ..
Two or three times in the course of our journey, aged men, the
remembrances of young and happy days-when thoroughbreds had not
given way to iron horses-evidently crowding thick and fast upon
them, would rush to the doors of their cottages and wave their hats or
utter feeble cheers. lIany other evidences of the popularity of the
coach were given, and the general politeness of the people on the road
To the gentlemen who, without much hope of remuneration, provide
for the public a day's pleasure like that I have endeavoured to describe,
many thanks are due; and I must strongly advise any one of my
readers who thinks my sketch is too glowing, to book a seat on the
Tunbridge Wells coach and judge for himself.
A RAIN'Y DAY.
THERBE is wisdom, of course, I will freely admit,
In a prudent economy, not too tight:
But storing up some things shows little wit,
As is proved by examples one may recite-
Now a pic-nic for instance is not, I should say,
A thing to "lay by for a rainy day !
To be sure, an umbrella is more the thing
To keep for use when it turns out wet:
In the storms of winter or showers of spring,
'Tis an excellent thing for a shelter-yet,
As it's borrowed or stolen when you want it; pray,
What use to "lay by for a rainy day ?
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.2
ALL-HOT.-We are sorry to throw cold water on you.
A. P. Y. (Bradford).-Sorry to make you un-A.P.Y.
C. J. D. (Maida Vale).-Can't be made available;-wo cannot see to
what you Maida hill-usion.
VIOLET (near Manchester).-We didn't know Violets grow there. But
it doesn't agree with you evidently, for in spite of the number of your
leaves there is nothing to be extracted from them.
QUITE UP TO THE ECCENTRIC CHUCI.-You have evidently lost your
centre of gravity; and so got chucked overboard.
"ONCE MoRE."--Pardon the correction-" Not yet!"
H. J. B. (Temple).-Con spirito-but you want training to drive
RossicaucIAN.-We don't deal in personalities, thank you.
A LOON-ATICK.-We don't feel inclined to allow you a tick.
H. C.-Your "sunny side'" is rather shady.
F. B. (Aldersgate-street).-We don't notice books on controversial tlheo-
logy.. Shan't do it till we are sure which is the-ology.
Decenhed with thanks :-J. B. T, Brixton; A. II. M., Manchester;
B. B.; S. L. A Notting Hill; L. M., Manchester; J. M Marlborough-
street-; L., Wallbrook; C. P., Biimingham; S. D., Hackney-road; J. S.,
Liverpool: Betsy S, St. Alban's; R. N., Glasgow'W. R.,Brixton;
Toodles; W.; Nomentanus ;F., Kingsland; T. R. S., Leeds; A Cuss; F.
J.; Laureatus; Orris; The Old 'un; M. W., Dalston; R., Liverpool;
Caius Dentatus; Young Esculapius; T. A., Hornsey; A Sojer; Jeoum
Homme; Difficiles; W. W.; McD, Dublin; Noodledum; McQ., Newcastle;
The Boy: Dolphin; K., Kew; R. M., Clevedon; Busky; While I live
I crow; Silex.
5 F U N AUGUST 6, 1870.
A CUTTING REMARK.
Wicked Boy on Barge:-"'ULLO, ROBERT! So THEY'VE BEEN CUTTING' YER COMB, EH!"
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. An Interesting Question.
EDGAR ALLAN PFO would have delighted in iogg's Secret Code-a A CORRESPONDENT, who tells us that he has vainly applied for the
most ingenious means of writing and telegraphing in cipher. This information he requires to Notes and Queries, wishes to know on what
scheme baffles the ordinary mode of discovering cipher-viz., by looking lines the vessel was laid down which MILToN describes as-
for the sign which occurs most frequently and which will be "e," and Built in the elipse and rigged With curses dark.
the recurrence of that sign in combination to form "the "-for by a We should imagine under the circumstances that the lines were sun-
clever use of a key-word it is so arranged that the same letter or word strokes. As for the rigging, we may cursorily remark, that there is
is always represented by different signs. We say sign," although the nothing peculiar about that. Everybody must have heard of a
ordinary letters of the alphabet are used, because they are practically rattlin' oath."
signs and not letters. De-side-dley.
MR. HOLT has in The Scald (LONGM[ANS, Paternoster Row) devoted w es e
much time and care to the study of Scandinavian history and A CORRESPONDENT writes to say that owing to the bad drainage of
mythology; and the result is an interesting book. At the same time most of the watering places on the coast, a visit to the seaside during
we must confess that Norse names are scarcely calculated to enhance the hot weather has been more often a visit to the smel side.
the effect of harmonious verse." For instance" Th6rgerd
H6rdabrud may be allowed to pair with that little Italian town BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER.-We doubt it-Diamonds
mentioned by HORACE, quod versu dicere non est. cut Diamonds.
WHAT verb is that-in the language of flowers-which few can
decline ?-The Verb-ena.
SCARCELY the motto for M. FERDINAND DE LESSEPS : -"Happy as a To FOLLOW A GREENWICH WHITEBAIT DINNBE.-May the Staff of
Sand-boy! the Observatory be as hearty as their instruments are delicate !
18-CARAT GOLD JEWELLERY FOR WEDDING AND OTHER PRESENTS.
(Late HANCOCK and COMPANY, Limited) introducer of the celebrated
18-CARAT GOLD JEWELLERY AND WATCHES, MACHINE MADE.
From 30 to 50 per cent. less than hand-made, and more perfect.
37, CONDUIT-STREET,-FIVE DOORS FROM BOND-STREET,-LONDON.
STEAM WORKS-COACH AND HORSES YARD, OLD BURLINGTON STREET.
The New Illustrated Catalogue, bound in cloth, Free for Two Stamps.
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix'Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: August 6, 1870.
A.reST 13, 1870.]
I wouLD I were a bird."
Sang CHLOB'S liquid voice;
Which when the poet heard,
Said he, Not such my choice !
SI would that I might be
A smile' would that eclipse :
For I should be, you see,
For ever on your lips!"
A Blow for the Bench.
WE have a logical poser for the London
Magistrates, who while denouncing indis-
criminate alms-giving, are in the habit of
dealing out "three or four weeks to all
the mendicants brought before them. Our
position is this :-supposing the worthy
beak gives a beggar a month, does he not
bestow on him indiscriminate alms of
considerable if unascertained, amount P
Of course he does! Is it not a well-known
fact that "time is money: "-what's the
hard cash for six weeks?
l AT the recent meeting of The Society
for the Protection of Life from Fire," an
application was received from a gentleman
just on the eve of his departure to the
seat of war as a special correspondent. He
was desirous of learning whether the
Society extended their operations far
enough to protect life from fire in a
musketry skirmish, because if so he
wished to join!
THE Japanese clergy pause every fifteen
minutes in their discourses and say to
their congregation, Let us smoke !"
Which they do. Other persons are in
the habit ef mixing the smoke with the
sermon. Won't they take a hint from
IT would appear from the Gardener's
Clwronicle that Sorghum, or what is called
in Bombay Joar, is a capital thing to feed
cattle upon. Under these circumstances,
we, like dentists, advise all those who
possess sor-ghums to hold their joar, as it
will be useful by and by.
A CORRESPONDENT wants to run a bill
with any one for fifty pounds a side.
Stakes to be held by him.
A spirited dairyman will back his milk
walk against any other of the same weight
and age. The race to be done in pumps,
A novice, who stated the other day he'd
fight anybody at catch weight, writes to
say you won't catch him waiting any
A CORRESPONDENT writes to say that he
is desirous of ascertaining whether he may
place any reliance on the revelations of a
-certain Spiritual medium. We should
think not:-there's more of the Anser
than the necromancer about him.
A Genuine Black Diamond.
POLITICIANS may differ on the question
as to whether coal is, or is not," contraband
of war "-none will be found to gainsay
-the fact that the honoured name of Seacole
gave rise to far different thoughts in the
days of the Crimean War.
A Sensitive -Plant. (N.B. A Cereal).
6. Bloom and Blossom.
7. Marshal Niel.
8. A Forced Growth.
CONTRABAND OF WAR.
THE French Government has officially announced that it does not consider coal as contraband of
war. We should like to know then what is the proper fuel for the "martial fire," so often men-
tioned by orators!
We wonder whether-supposing they did not want coal for their ironclads-the French would
hold coals were not contraband of war; because they are requisite for the domestic hearth, though
they may be used for war-steamers ? In a similar way the Prussians might declare gunpowder
not contraband of war; on the ground that, although sometimes used for guns, it is greatly used
to clear copper-flues!
A CREB-CENDO MOVEMENT.-Fond mothers should abstain from sowing their darlings' initials in
the garden-the most deplorable consequences may result from reading in bed."
VOL. XII. F
56 FU N [AUGUST 13, 1870.
.FUIN OFFICE, Wednesday, August 10th, 1870.
HE position of Belgium and Holland at the present crisis is
anything but pleasant. They are playing, unwillingly, the
game of "heads you win, tail I lose" ; for there is small chance
of the war ending without something more than threats of
calamity to them.
It was amusing to see how eagerly our English papers announced
that "the neutrality of Belgium and Holland was secured." The
neutrality of the unhappy person over whose bed a pair of burglars
present pistols at one another, is just such a secured neutrality. The
worst of it is that we are bound to interfere if these innocents are
touched, and so the melodramatic-not to say transpontine combat now
going on between King and Emperor may have to be interrupted (as
such combats for such objects always are at virtuous theatres) by the
entrance of John Bull, as a jolly Jack Tar, with a cutlass between his
teeth and a pistol in each hand.
Under other circumstances we would not bid much for the reversion
of the babe's shoes.
THE Times has been denouncing pigeon-shooting. Well, it is a
"noble sport," indeed! But for our part we cannot understand how
those who profess to have the interests of sport at heart can uphold
such pitiful gunning. Can they not see that it is another downward
step in that Avernine descent which is hurrying the Game Laws to ex-
tinction ? In the old times when the sportsman went out, with no
ally but his dog, and tramped through turnips and stubble, such fair
and healthy sport could be pleaded in strong defence of the Game
Laws. The battue, with its tame birds, and its beaters, and loaders,
took away much from the force of the defence. Pigeon-shooting
deprives it of its last strong-hold. If this be sport, Whitechapel
covers will amply satisfy the noble sportsman's ambition, and there is
no reason for continuing Game Laws, which do so much to set class
against class. There is not so much difference after all between a
battue and a pigeon match.
THE.r is no teaching some people sense! Here's a fellow been
writing to the papers thus:-
SIR,--Will any philanthropic, plucky, broad-shouldered gentleman kindly serve
and confer a real boon on his defrauded fellow creatures, by arming himself with
a stamped legal pewter half-pint pot, enter the various taverns, place two-pence on
the bar counter, call for a glass of "bitter" ale, then gauge the quantity in his own
measure, ard publish to the world at large a day's experience and proof of the
cheating glasses of our decorated dishonest gin palaces?-Your thirsty corres-
pondent,-TnREa TO THE PINT.
Doesn't he know that a glass is no legal measure, and that he
should ask for half-a-pint ? If he doesn't get that, he has his remedy.
But the matter is not a question of broad-shoulders, but of narrow.
foreheads into which you cannot knock sense.
Tnts looks suspicious:-
Last Sunday morning, at one of the City churches, the rector omitted the sermon,
as the congregation consisted solely of the members of his own family !
We can't help thinking that the reverend gentleman would hardly
have omitted the discourse if he had not been conscious that the
original being in type might be more comfortably read at home. Or
was it one of those lithographed sermons spoken of by SHAKESPEARE
as sermons in stones P
Small Comfit in That !
A nice look-out for lovers of lollipops!-
Out of twenty-three specimens of sweets lately purchased in London, thirteen
on analysis were found to be poisonous, and mostly to contain lead in a most
We suppose the confectioners would defend the title of "sweets for
articles that contained sugar-of lead! We should like to impress on
them-by outward application-that the right sort of sugar is produced
by a cane.
A CORRESPONDENT of the Gardener's Magazine has been writing, we
see, to complain that his melons are all cracked. Clearly a case of
THE REV. HORACE
,- -:? 5
Scores of damsels
(Shows how sham sells
Sought the parish where he t
Of St. Peter's in the
Till he raised it to a new
All its prospects were-
Would the parish
Was the sum found in
Changed the state of
Was he rich P or was he
Neither! but he smiled
And he talked so-
And besides was so un-
Oh, what lots of pairs of slippers
Proved his powers of fascination:
(He made bargains with some shippers-
Sold them off for exportation).
Money ? Plenty!
Five, ten, twenty
Pounds each Sunday he collected.
Stipend-more than he expected.
Then a curate-crafty rival-
Complimented HORACE greatly
On the parish's revival.
Quoth he, "You've so prospered lately-
SWEET, what is there to forbid it ?
Marry !" Meekly-
In a weakly
Moment-HoRAcs went and did it.
HORACE still is Curate, hark you,
In the Vintry at St. PETER's.
Female congregation, mark you P
Three old women-all free-seaters.
'Tis his fate now
In the plate now
Never to hear sovereigns jingle!
Pews not letting;
Sighs, Would I had still stayed single."
Oh, curate, although this tale makes your ears tingle, list!
Since you can't be a Pluralist, pray be a Single-ist.
Some Mistake Here!
OCR usually correct contemporary the Broad Arrow must have made
a bad shot in this case:-
Niobe, 4, screw steam sloop, Commander t. G. S. Pasley, had arrived at North
Sydney, Nova Scotia, from Newfoundland, by the last accounts. The Niobe left
again on the 7th instant.
The Niobe only a sloop! Of course she is a three-decker man-of-war.
Hasn't she been frequently described as all tiers "?
WHAT animal could have dispensed with the ark P-Why the dog,
to be sure, might have set up a bark.
F TJ N .-AUGUST 13, 1870.
THE WAR SENSATION.
1. Said Ma. JEWnAs SLIMI, proprietor of the Farthing Fibber, "Look 'ere, dear
boys, we must 'ave a special correspondent at the seat of war-'pon my
tonour as a gentleman. Oo'll go ?1" The Staff fell into raptures-
2. Until they learnt the danger to be incurred, when they all funked.
3. This was the only member of the staff-the errand boy-who would go out.
4. So they sent him out-for a quart of half-and-half.
5. The Farthing Fibber had Special telegraphs." This Is how that was managed.
6. Here you see "Our Special Correspondent" writing his letters on the spot I [It
wasn't a clean tablecloth so there were lots of spots.]
7. Here's the battle as he described it.
8. Awful rush of the British public to buy the Farthing Fibber.
9. The only person who believed the sensational accounts of the Farthing Fibber.
10. Final triumph of the Proprietor and Staff.
THE BABES IN THE WOOD I
" The neutrality of Belgium and Holland is secured."- Vide Daily Papers.
Auoy.13, 1870.] FITN 61
SlE the members with their bills,
What a world of promises their bringing-in fulfils;
How they jostle one another,
And compete for vacant nights,
How they pant, and gasp, and smother,
Pushed aside by party fights.
While their movers, standing by,
Emit a doleful cry,
Apprehensive of the destiny that ultimately kills
Their bills, bills, bills, bills,
Bills, bills, bills,
The dismal fate in keeping for their bills.
See the silly annual bills,
With what deluded hopefulness their introduction fills
All their friends throughout the land,
Who can never understand
That the House will throw them out
One by one;
That though the movers shout
At a speaker who is dozing while they spout,
When they've done,
With patience sorely tried,
But with a gush of thankfulness the members will divide,
The foolish annual bills :
And the lesson each instils
Is, that clearly these are merely
Futile bills, bills, bills,
Bills, bills, bills, bills,
Bills, bills, bills,
Never to be anything but bills.
See the Ministerial bills,
With what prolonged expectancy their introduction thrills!
Through the- ountry far and wide,
Their friends exult with pride ;
Too much horrified to speak,
Their opponents only shriek
In a clamourous appealing to the wisdom of the House-
In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic House.
They declare the bills a house,
And affirm they will, by nous,
Rouse the country now or never,
By a resolute endeavour,
To resist the pale-faced premier
With his bills, bills, bills,
While each party-leader drills
For the fight
His forces great or small,
To enfranchise or enthral
The country on the great division night;
And the public hardly knows,
Mid the wrangling
And the jangling,
How the danger ebbs and flows,
But each newspaper instils
By its leaders,
All its own views of the bills,-
Its own views of the pestilent or patriotic bills,
Of the bills, bills, bills, bills,
Bills, bills, bills,
The stupendous and tremendous public bills.
See the sickly autumn bills,
What a flood of penitence each moralist distils
From their slow but sure decay,
As the session wears away,
From the melancholy lesson that they teach;
For every dying scheme
Is in its turn the theme
Of a speech,
And is tediously debated
Until hopelessly belated,
And its mover prosing, prosing,
In a muffled monotone,
Feels a glory in disclosing
All its merits little known.
In the spring he moves the bills,
And clears his voice and swills
From a tumbler set beside him,
While his enemies deride him,
And his friends cry out, "Hear, hear,"
And he wins a feeble cheer.
Now and then
With brows knit in a frown,
His arm sways up and down,
'Keeping time, time, time,
In a s6rt of Runic rhyme,
To the moving of the bills:
Of the bills,
To the solemn exposition of the bills.
Till at last the daylight lengthehs,
And the summer sunshine strengthens,
And finally it grills
The members in their places,
So sadly, with long faces,
They consent to slay their bills,
To abandon all their bills;
All their bills, bills, bills,
To massacre their bills,
Though sorely againstt their wills.
And each bereaved one fills
The house with lamentations o'er his bills,
With sorrow at the slaughter of his bills:
Of his bills, bills, bills, bills,
Bills, bills, bills,
With sorrow at the slaughter of his bills.
SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
I THINK, if my memory serves me correctly, that I predicted the
downfall of Macgregor in your columns, at all events if I did not it
was an oversight, as I knew all about Kingeraft. Now, if you want
a really good bit of intelligence for your own use and will pay well for
it I'll forward you the certain winner of the Leger. Telegraph price
at once, as ordinary money won't do at all.
Thanks for liberality and promptitude. Now just you go and put a
bit on for yourself and for me. If you don't know how to execute a
commission send me the coin. Now, on the quiet, this is the
quadrupedal performer for my quids-
Next week I will give further particulars and also the absolute last.
[According to request we have forwarded all our spare money to the
prophet, and sincerely hope he has invested it on his choice. The last
time we entrusted him with-Well, we'll see how this turns out.]
A Certain Cure.
IN quoting the following story from a Yankee paper we confer a
benefit on our species:-
There lives in the town of Harmony, Chautauqua County, a husband and wife
who have not exchanged words for 21 years. In 1849 the husband contradicted his
better-half harshly before company, and she threatened that in default of better
behaviour she would never speak to him again. The husband replied that he
wished nothing better, and his wife took him at his word. They have continued to
live together in this taciturn fashion ever since, and during the long silence have
had several children.
Let married people take this lesson to heart and benefit by it. If they
will but refrain from having words with one another, they may all
live in Harmony, without having the trouble of leaving England.
Dinner, ye Ken I
THIS is novel and refreshing I-
A Lady at Paris advertises for employment as ornamental guest at dinner and
If we were giving a dinner she wouldn't be guest. We should give
her up. That would not answer, would it ?
Shameful Case of Attempted Cooper-ing.
To MR. COOPER is due the merit of having discovered a simple, but
valuable, improvement in the method of watering the streets. Bum-
bledom, with its usual perversity, throws cold water on the scheme. It
would be giving evidence of sounder sense were an effort made to
place-not the inventor-but his salts "in the cart."
F UTJN. [AUGUST 13, 1870.
S,, DECLINED WITH THANKS.
Iv'n written "leaders for the Times-
1 0 -,They never put them in-
I've scribbled several reams of rhymes
Since I did verse begin.
For years I've tried to gain a place
\ .I always am in every case-
.A "'Declined with thanks!"
SSI have a drama in my desk
A farce, too, full of fun;
C Last night I finished a burlesque
(That makes the third I've done).
And armed with these, I hang about
The managerial flanks;
ige But back they come, those packets stoust-
I send my copy "-I've no pride-
To penny weekly prints;
The letter that I put inside
At payment never hints.
I say I'll take six copies, if
They'll use my quips and cranks;
The answer's ever curt and stiff-
"Declined with thanks !"
I'd climb Parnassus, could I learn
The proper way to start--
The midnight oil in vain I burn,
I'm really losing heart.
I'm nowhere in the human race!
I'm always drawing blanks.
These words are flung into my face-
"Declined with thanks! "
It's been the same all through my life,
In everything, I find;
Three girls I've asked to be my wife;
But each in turn declined.
My cheques have been returned to me
By several joint stock banks;
ECONOMICAL. These very lines I fear will be-
Declined with thanks !"
Cabbly, out of luck :-" TIMES Is waeRR BAD, MASTER. CAN'T AFFORDthe
NOTHINK TO DRINK BUT (brightenin)-I'LL GO IN FOR A 'OT LUNCH-oM A NEw SoNG." There's Salmon in the House wft
UR A PENNY PICKWICK!" Diner !" By FRANK BucKLAND.
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
IT is pleasant to greet a volume of Poems by a simple and sweet THE spray is flying o'er us now,
singer like Ms. MATTHIAS BARb, in these days when every stilted I hear the breakers' roar;
versifier calls himself a poet on the strength of mere magazine copy. The winds are boisterous, and the prow
MR. BARR'S writings are the honest and musical outpourings of natural Is turned towards the shore.
feeling, not the elaborate artificiality which so many misguided persons Look, darling, how the dimpled main
try to palm off as the genuine thing. Is laughing in its glee;
We note the receipt of a Guide to Sheerness with a something of sad- And list, oh! list, my dearest JANE,
ness, remembering into what dire disgrace our lamented Nicholas The music of the sea!
fell, by speaking slightingly of that glory of Sheppey. Here's pros- The billows bear us bravely on,
perity to the place and the book, for his sake. The jetty and the pier
The Fourth Report of the Industrial Employment Association," By turns arise, and then, anon-
organised by Mu. Fn.e cs FULLER, will be read with deep interest by What is the matter, dear?
all who desire to see an amelioration of the lamentable state of the Why, JANE, I always understood
destitute children of London. You thought the ocean grand!
A VERY excellent Popular Guide to London has just been issued by "And so, my dear, I do, and would
MEsSRS. ROUTLEDGE, which may be described as a corrected and For ever- from the land!"
expurgated edition of an earlier guide-book by a MiR. GEORGB
FREDERICK PARDON. The present thumping shillingsworth is clearly
and grammatically written, and contains notes on all interesting The Red Tape Rifle.
objects in and about London, while it omits passages that were to be BRAvo, Circumlocution! This happened in the House the other
found in its predecessor, recommending special shops for good cigars, night:-
enlarging on the peculiar merits of certain sewing-machines, or giving In reply to colonel wilson-Fatten, Mr. Cardwell Eaid that a trial had been made
prominent mention of favoured silk-mercers or watch-makers, with a at Aldershot of the Martini, as compared with other rifles; but, as the trial had not
long list of their prize medals; matters, which, though doubtless been authorized by the Horse Guards, he could give no further information
important to the compiler, were not profitable reading for the student respecting it.
of guide books. These questionable passages having been eliminated, "The trial had not been authorized" and so it was to be ignored I The
and real information suppliedin their place, the book needs no stronger probability is that, not having been managed under authority, the
recommendation than one glance at its handy form, its truthful cuts, trial was a fair one, and the result unfavourable to the government gun,
and its price, which is notoriously beaten by other weapons. The only feather in
Legends of Many, Lands by Miss DARBY seems-at the glance we their cap the authorities can claim on its account is an ostrich plume-
have been able to give it-what its authoress says it is, a handful of the plume of the bird which hides its head in a bush and says it really
field-flowers,-pleasant enough things in their way I can't see anything wrong!
BY OuB SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
A MONDAY or two back I was sauntering leisurely along Cannon-
street, with a light heart, a well-lined stomach, a good cigar, and a
clear conscience. These, I may as well inform my readers, constitute
no small portion of the amount I consider essential to earthly happi-
ness; and possessed of these, is it surprising that evidence of my
beatific condition beamed on a face formed on those principles which
(in faces) command the admiration of the multitude ? I know that I
looked benevolent, and if ever the countenance was the index of the
mind it was so in my case. But as is so often the position of
the truly good-hearted I had nothing to give away, and though I did
not for a moment lose any one of those pleasant feelings with which I
ever regard my brother man and sister woman, be they never so poor
and needy, it occurred to me that the itinerant vendors of ideal (Shoe-
lane) telegraphic information from the seat of war, the purveyors of
vesoover'uns and flamers and the various old ladies who sell thanks at
a farthing a score and curses at a still lower rate, were wasting their
precious time; and as time is money, I felt that though a good look at
your S. S. is worth something, my attendants might have a better
opportunity of acquiring circulating medium elsewhere. With a
simulated ferocity which would have been highly entertaining to any-
one acquainted with the real mildness of my disposition, I rapped
several boys sharply on the head with my walking-stick, and treading
upon the toes of three or four ladies of Hibernian extraction, unsavoury
odour, and cadging propensities, strode sharply down to the riverside,
heedless alike of the mud and abuse (both of which went wide of the
mark) aimed at me.
"Now, then, sir; all piers down the river. Boat just going to
I passed across the treacherous and temporary gangway which con-
nected the two frail planks, the hawser was cast adrift, the main brace
was spliced, the fender was taken down to the cabin fireplace, and the
hollow ship dashed on towards the hoarse resounding main, saluting
with her funnel as she passed under that bridge which from the com-
parison its material bears to that of the civic authorities' heads is
called after the place they "govern."
Like most of the people who have resided long in London, I have
been in none of its stock shows and exhibitions, and as we passed by
the Tower of London, I pulled out my notebook and made a solemn
declaration that given time, opportunity, and a guide, I would some
day visit its grey towers, obsolete batteries, and torture chambers, and
for the benefit of those who live in the vicinity express an opinion on
their merits (or the want of them). Of course, countryfolk have all
been there, but they might feel interested in what a resident of the
metropolis, who should certainly know best, thinks of his own
As I close my book, I become aware of a foreign-looking man
gazing wistfully upon me, as though anxious to speak, and with the
courtesy which ever ennobles the true Briton above those who have
the misfortune to be born abroad, I stare at him as hard as I can, and
my cigar being now nearly exhausted cast it away to windward so
that a few of the ashes go in his eye, while the rest hang in flakes on
his beard and moustache.
While my foreign friend is busy cleaning out his damaged optic, I
gaze upon the vast quantities of shipping which encumber that part of
the river known as the Pool, so called because the tide runs more
rapidly here than elsewhere; upon the myriad steamers, screw and
paddle, wood and iron, which, scorning the companionship of the
sailing vessels, swing about in mid-stream; upon the numerous repre-
sentatives of my old friend PANCxs (glorious PANCK !) which, snorting
defiance at the world in general, drag heavy lumbering vessels or
strings of barges about like playthings. The costumes of the foreign
sailors attract my attention, and I am just becoming interested in the
evening song of some women sitting on the deck of a Duch schuyt (a
butter boat fit for a Brobdingnagian dinner table) when the gentleman
with the damaged lamp touches me upon the shoulder, and briefly
apologising for his intrusion, says, in broken English:-
"I see M'sieur make observations in his notebook about Buckenham
Castle. Zat is where BOADICEA harangued the Danes. A splendid
place for historical association."
He said this so seriously that I could not help laughing heartily, at
which my informant appeared very much annoyed, and when I told
him that the place he had been viewing with such reverence was the
Tower, he waved me off in a most grandiose manner, said he did not
wish to be made of ze sport," and walked away.
Little did I think the influence this man would have on my day's
(To be continued in our next.)
TN-NATURAL HISToRY.-A beast that comes in questionable shape:
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 179.
THE trumpets are sounding; the battle is o'er;
And the beautiful cornfields lie trampled in gore.
The army, triumphantly shouting amain,
Has won the fierce struggle-is lord of the plain.
Far off in the distance faint clarions, replying
To the conqueror's trumpets, assemble the flying.
1. Some sigh for gold. I look on it as dross
Beside the price that buys the plain bronze cross.
2. The Germans sing of the German Rhine,
And shout, as they quaff the beer or wine,
That it never shall be won.
'Tis right! Brave men should ever hold
That which was handed down of old
From bleeding sire to son! "
3. A basket-hilted sword he bore,
His foe another draw did.
They made their cuts. One! Two! Three! Four!
And each stamp ha!" and haw did.
While all the house applaud did.
4. "Shiver my timbers, belay-belay!
Stand by! let go the sheet!"
If you make him talk in this kind of way,
It's considered a picture complete.
5. Ping ping! ping !
The rifles 'gan to ring,
With the flash lighting up the thick gloom.
But you heard no more
Of the big or little bore,
When the great gun went Bang! Boom!"
6. This delicate spirit daintily flavoured
Is much by certain old ladies favoured;
Who think gin vulgar, and don't like rum,
But can take some of this or of cardamom.
7. Her bellying canvas is white aloft,
For the tide serves well, and the wind blows soft:
With an open sea and a breeze from the South,
Away she goes with a bone in her mouth!
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 177.-Trench, German : Flag, Rapine,
Engineer, Napoleonism, Contra, IIorsemen.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OP ACROSTIC NO. 177, RECEIVED AUGUST 3rd. D. E. IL;
Raby's Ghost; Slodger and Tiney.
A Trying Position.
WE learn from the Sunday Times that :-
Viscount Treilhard has been appointed to the post rf minister of France at
Washington, rendered vacant by the recent suicide of M. Provost Paradol.
We had better appoint the Viscount as our agent for the settlement of
the Alabama question. We want some one who will Try-hard !
tgVaoa ra (orrc ptLnilh:.,
[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.3
A SHADE.-Your work, most properly, is shady, and, therefore, must
stop in the shadow.
A PATRIOT would do the greatest good to his country of which lihe is
capable by refraining from trying to write pooee ry about it.
S. (Brixton).-Look here! There's a great deal too much of this asking
questions of a kindwhichwe do not undertake to answer; but we'll oblige you
this once. Well, then, the meaning of a Plebiscitum is the supersediary
hypothecation of a remote syllogism, tempered by those parallax of hypnotism.
There, now, don't say you haven't been told.
L. (Temple).-Not quite suitable.
BODGER.-No! It's very hind and cheerful of you to offer-but don't
"try again," there's a good fellow.
P. A. L.-You sneer at the spelling of tbo letter you enclose, and you
yourself write "barrester." In your case, contempt should begin-like
charity- at home!
MEDICUS.-You have a prescriptive right to thanks.
Declined with thanks:-E. G., Hoxton; Major, Derby; J. H. D.,
Kensington; Orion; Tax-payer; "Peter Gray;" T. H.; C. 0.; F. Liver-
pool; B. B.; Toodles; X. Y. Z., Kingsland; The Odd'un; B. J LeedI;
S. L. T.; F. F. F.; Americanus; Nem. Con.; Silex; E. G., Now North-
road; W. M., Maida Hill; J. E. C., Biggleswade; M. S., Knightsbridge;
The a-cuss-tomed; Classic; A Stranded One; Per Contra; W. W.;
P. F. L., Manchester; Tooting; Bonnie Bessie; A Boy; Reader; T. T.,
Dalston; M., Liverpool; Olim Meminisse; D. E., Islington; Acrosticus;
Scrumptious; B. ; Fleet-street; C. D. J.
AuoUsT 13, 1870.]
[AUGUST 13, 1870.
Little Figgins in an evil :moment has been induced to join a farmers' rabbit battue on the cliffs : in dismay at discovering the nulnbers and
quality of the armament, he anxiously maketh inquiry of the keeper :--"I SAY, KEEPER, ISN'T THIS SAWT O'THING AWFULLY DANGEROUS?"
Velveteen :-" HI. N-N-N-N-NO, Sin, WE DON'T OFTEN GIT many FATAL ACCIDENTS "
CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
WE miss MR. READE in this month's Cornhill, but "Against Time"
does its best to console us. "Wanted a King" is good, but too much
of a burlesque, all things considered just now. Not the best number
this, that we have seen.
Temple Bar is an unusually good number this month. Phil
Death" is a capital story that we could almost fancy an Overland
Monthly tale, and "The Widow Merand is a charming little French
picture. SIR EDWARD CREASY contributes a battle, and there is a read-
able paper on LA FONTAINE.
London Society is sea-sidy and readable, with one or two pleasant
bits of verse-by which we don't mean the Loop of Pearls," for a
peri host playing at stringing snow-balls in a cedar's shade" strikes
us as nonsense. The pictures are quite up to the standard of the mag.
In the Poetical Magazine there are some noticeable verses, Pax
Alma Denique," evidently the result of a study of GEORGE HERBERT.
The gentleman who wrote of the "unexploded music" of sonnets goes
a buster this time, thusly-
Swelling ecstasies explode in psalms.
Is he quite sure he isn't thinking of music hall melodies of the Slap,
Bang order, when he alludes to such literal bursts of music?
The Rectangular Review is a new quarterly of excellent appearance,
containing many and various articles well-written and interesting as a
rule. But why does the Editor wish it to be "distinctly understood
that he doesn't hold himself responsible for the views of his
contributors?" What's the use of an Editor so irresponsible? Fancy,
when you've paid your fare and taken your seat on the Tunbridge
coach, being informed by the driver that he wouldn't be responsible for
THE papers are saying:-
The news of Madame Rattazzi's death, announced a few days since, is now stated
to be incorrect, and to have originated in a mistake.
We can see how the mistake arose. It arose from what they were at ?
Don't you know what they were (r)at ?-at sea!
We fully believe it.
WHEN the Claret Cup passed round at Wimbledon-few, we hear,
subjected themselves to disqualification for a light pull."
NUTS TO CLAcK.-The Spray of the Melancholy Ocean "-A Sprig
18-CARAT GOLD JEWELLERY FOR WEDDING AND OTHER PRESENTS.
(Late HANCOCK and COMPANY, Limited) introducer of the celebrated
18 CARAT GOLD JEWELLERY AND WATCHES, MACHINE MADE.
From 30 to 50 per cent. less than hand-made, and more perfect.
37, CONDUIT-STREET,-FIVE DOORS FROM BOND-STREET,-LONDON.
STEAM WORKS-COACH AND HORSES YARD, OLD BURLINGTON STREET.
The New Illustrated Catalogue, bound in cloth, Free for Two Stamps.
PriLtcd by JI'DD & Co Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: Aug. 13, 1870.
tST 20, 1370.] F U
THE BAB BALLADS.
No. 84.-THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY.
LD PETER led a
Old PETER had a furi-
Old PETER too was truly
/ H He measured several
The little fairy PICKLE-
One summer afternoon
And Old PETER, how
The poor old fellow had no rest,
His coat, his stock, his shoes, his vest,
Were all that now met mortal eye-
The rest, invisibility !
" Now, madam, give them up, I beg-
I've bad rheumatics in my leg-
Besides, until you do, it's plain
I cannot come to sight again!
"For though some mirth it might afford
To see my clothes without their lord,
Yet there would rise indignant oaths
If he were seen without his clothes "
But no-resolved to have her quiz,
The lady held her own-and his-
And PETER luft his humble cot
To find a pair of-you know what.
But-here's the worst of this affair-
Whene'er he came across a pair
All ready placed for him to don,
He was too stout to get them on I
So he resolved at once to train,
And walked and walked with all his main;
For years he's paced this mortal earth,
To bring himself to decent girth.
At night, when all around is still,
You'll find him pounding up a hill;
And shrieking peasants whom he meets,
Fall down in terror on the peats !
Old PETER walks through wind and rain,
Resolved to train, and train, and train,
Until he weighs twelve stone or so-
And when he does, I'll let you know.
de do F
Can I do a
f"I have three
Unbounded riches while you live,
The second, health where'er you be,
The third, invisibility."
" Oh, little fairy PICKLEKIN,"
Old PETER answered with a grin,
"To hesitate would be absurd,
Undoubtedly I choose the third."
"'Tis yours," the fairy said, "be quite
Invisible to mortal sight
Whene'er you please. Remember me
Most kindly, pray, to MRs. P."
Old MRS. PETER overheard
Wee PICKLEKIN' S concluding word,
And, jealous of her girlhood's choice.
Said, That was some young woman's N oie "
Old PETER let her scold and swear-
Old PETER, bless him, didn't care.
" My dear, your rage is wasted quite-
Observe, I disappear from sight!"
A well-bred fairy (so I've heard)
Is always faithful to her word:
Old PETER vanished like a shot,
But then-his suit of clothes did not.
For when conferred the fairy slim
Invisibility on him,
She popped away on fairy wings
Without referring to his "things."
So there remained a coat of blue,
A vest and double eyeglass too,
His tail, his shoes, his socks as well,
His pair of -- no, I must not tell.
Old Muis. PETER soon began
To see the failure of his plan,
And then resolved (I quote the Bard)
To hoist him with his own petard."
Old PETER woke next day and dressed,
Put on his coat and shoes and vest,
His shirt and stock-but could not find
His only pair of -- never mind !
Old PETER was a decent man,
And though he twigged his lady's plan,
Yet, hearing her approaching, he
" Dear MRns. P., my only joy,"
Exclaimed the horrified old boy.
" Now give them up, I beg of you-
You know what I'm referring to!"
But no- the cross old lady swore
She'd keep his -what I said before-
To make him publicly absurd-
And Mas. PETER kept her word.
The Race is not for the Swift.
IN sporting matters the highest courage is seldom rewarded as it
should be. Horses that come to the scratch early never win.
FOOTPRINTS ON THE SANDS OF TIME.-Orows' feet.
FUN. EArnoar 20, 1870,
FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, August 17th, 1870.
HOO8 taketh the sword shall perish by the sword-and the
g dynasty that has been founded in bloodshed shall in blood-
shed pass away! The man who won the throne of France
by a cruel and treacherous coup d'dtat is likely to lose the
crown by a just retribution, while attempting to pacify disaffection at
home by purchasing glory abroad at the cost of millions of lives. His
prestige at any rate is gone for ever; for a BONAPARTE not to be a born
general is fatal. It is more than possible that by the time these lines
are in the bands of the public the Second Empire may be at an end.
The masterly inactivity of the Home Secretary has given intense
dissatisfaction, and the close of the session which beheld the withdrawal
of the only measures-with the exception of his inoperative Cab Law
-that he has ever proposed, puts the crowning stroke to his failure.
If Mu. GLADSTONE were not so widely and so deservedly popular, a
ministry with two such officials as MEssns. AvIrTON and BRUCE must
long ago have thrown up the ribands.
Mn. BaRcE's namesake of Scottish renown took a lesson of
perseverance from the spider. The Home Secretary seems to
encourage the spider too, but only to surround himself with cobwebs,
the evidences of sloth and inaction.
Twice is he Armed!
No wonder the Prussian army is so victorious Its soldiers possess
the invaluable power of being in two places at once, thus doubling the
number of the forces at the disposal of King William. At least such
would seem to be the case, according to the Paris Journal, which stated
the other day :-
According to a statistical table there are in Paris at this mom ent 80,000 Geimans,
of whom 8,000 are Prussians. Of that number 1,500 hare hit, ir.ostly young men,
in consequence of peremptory orders to join the Landwehr.
This may mean that Prussians share the ubiquitous virtues ascribed
to birds by that eminent Hibernian ornithologist, Sim BOTLE ROCHE, or
it may be intended to be brought against the enemy as a charge of
She Wood, and She Would Not.
THE other day an ardent loover of the name of CeHEBCH charged his
cruel fair, a Miss Woon, with assaulting him. The courtship of the
pair seemed to be built on the lines of those American clippers wherein,
according to police-reports, skippers are greatly in the habit of slipping
into their crews with handspikes and belaying pins. Miss Woon
Knocked her sweetheart down with an iron bar, depriving him of
what small sense he believed himself possessed of; and when asked by
SIR THOMAS HENRY why she hit the swain with so formidable a
weapon, replied, I struck him because I was fond of him." Clearly
she thought the best way of creating an impression on his heart was
by knocking a hole in his head.
Too True to be Good!
AMONG dramatic items from Paris we find this:-
At the Ambigu-Comique, a spectacle entitled Les Prussiens on Loiraine" is in
The theatre'of war has anticipated the Ambigu The Prussians in
Lorraine is a spectacle which the French can see, and they don't
seem to consider it a thing to laugh at.
Play to You "
THE Registrar General referring in his last return to the Thames
It will afford additionalplay-grounedstothe half million of ondonchildren who
are now sa frequititly killed oand itshrd in the stre ts."
The vagaries of the roughs are almost enough, as it is, to make timid
people shy of visiting the Embankment; but even those who possess
strong nerves may well avoid the place if "killed and crushed
children ere allowed to play there.
WHY is a pushing butcher like procrastination? Because he's
always saying "buy and "buy."
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 180.
DE. MuSSET sang, about the Rhine,
That where the ancestor had passed
Might pass the children, of the line "-
But then the difference is vast
Between that one, who onward marched victorious,
And this one who withdraws with speed inglorious.
1. All through the day the battle raged and roared;
The wound' d, stretched upon the bloody plain,
A draught of water feverishly implored
Of all who passed-but asked, alas, in vain!
At night, the struggle o'er, a neighboring stream
Supplies a draught, more sweet than this, they deem-!
2. How wasn't, BENEDETTI,
How was't, oh COUNT BISMArtK,
To a treaty so pretty
That neither set his mark ?
Contradiction from such a convention receives
The proverb that honour exists between thieves."
3. True to his trust the soldier fell
Here-on the spot he guarded well,
A faithful, fearless, sentinel.
4. The pompous party betted that within
Ten days the French would occupy Berlin:
France beaten back, this wise soothsayer learns
He's a small prophet, with these quick returns.
5. Through rolling smoke
The bright gleams broke,
Where glittering bayonets shone.
As with serried front
To the battle's brunt
The foe came marching on.
6. Who will lose and who will win
'Tis hard to say, when wars begin:
And even when they're as far as the middle,
It's far from easy to solve the riddle.
7. On! For country, and king, and God!
Chase the foe from your native sod! "
Then with knit brows, clenched teeth, in silence deep,
Down on the foe the avenging columns sweep.
S. Among the wounded and the dying,
Their charitable labours plying,
See these good women, fear-defying.
SOLUTION OF AnosOTIC No. 178.-August, Apples: Auricula, Unclasp,
Gallop, Uphill, Sausage, Thyrsus.
CoEnECT SOLUTION OF ACeOSTIC No. ]8 RECEIVED ALrVST 10th.-Nestor; B.B.
THis ought to satisfy the Conservatives:-
Dee, paddlewheel storeship, Staff-Commander G. A. Waters, arrived off the
Royal Arsenal, at Woolwiebh, early in the week, with the baggage belonging to the
three batteries of Royal Artillery recently returned from Canada.
They have long said that since the reductions the WVoolwich Arsenal
had gone to the d-. At any rate this proves (on the MAHOMIT-and-
mountain principle) that if it hasn't, the Dee has dee-cidedly come to
Scotched and Killed !
A BOMBAY telegram reports:-
Intelligence hai been received here by the last China mail that an insurrection
has broken out in Japan. Fourteen hunched persons are believed to have been
massacred. The Daimio of Awa ia said to have declared that he will exterminate
all the inhabitants.
This is making Awa with them with a vengeance.
THis is indeed "prodigious" :-
l1. Dromand, in "Anr.alIs du Genie Civil," referring to the large tracts of land
in European countries which produce nothing but heather, or similar plants,
recommends their utilisation in the production of charcoal, acetic acid, tar, and other
useful products; and insists that the soil, when cleared, should be prepared for the
cultivation of various kinds ef fir trees.
What will our Scotch friends say when tLey see Ms. DROMAND set ji.s
"foot upon their native heath" ? Fancy destroying the heather Even
the cockneys will consider the proposal goes a littletoo fir! "
WHAT was the first bet made ?
[AUGUST 20, 1870.
- F U NN -
F -U N .-AUGUST 20, 1870.
- 1 'S. -.
THE TURN OF THE TIDE.
Napoleo :-"TOO STRONG FOR ME! YET IT WAS ON THIS I SWAM TO THE THRONE."
- *. ,A
IF 1J -N .-Au uST 20, 1870.
BRUCE AND THE SPIDER.
A Modern Version.
DEDICATED SORROWFULLY TO THE HOME SECRETARY.
AvGL'ST 20, 1870.] U S. 71
SIR BY NG 0 S BL UN DER. logs were cut off below the knee, the tip of his nose and his right car
were gone, and he had been pinked thrice through the body.
A IEDInT.VAL RoMANCE. His opponent had lost a leg, an arm, an eye, and about a half the
Sy top of his head.
ME- 0 years after the At length the two were so exhausted they were obliged to stop for
l ** beginning of the ten- breath.
I. ,.- I tenth century two "I say," said Sm ByGco, "what were we fighting about ?"
-- .horsemen might have "I don't know," was the reply. You pitched into me as I was
I been seen wending taking a woman to the station-house for kidnapping children for the
their way across the sake of their clothes."
Holborn Viaduct, or "And she has escaped!" said Byxco ; "and what's more, I had my
rather through the purse in my pocket when I came out, and it's gone now."
valley where the "Nay, trouble not thyself for that," said a familiar voice-that of
SHolborn Viaduct has his godpa, I will gladly take on myself the expenses of thy funeral.
since been erected. For thou art sped, my poor boy !"
g V The younger of the "Aye, marry!" said BYNoo's expiring adversary, "and he has
W ."- '1*/ two, to judge from spoilt one of the best constables of Loen HENDMESON 's watch."
his appearance, was "Al," was the philosophic remark of the'aged knight, wouldud
the junior by several have been best to have stayed and finished the liquor. At any rate it
i' ears. The other is ever the truest wisdom to learn what thou art going to fight for
S' .. was older than he by before thou beginnest to fight!"
about the sameperiod. There's a deal of common sense in that. Besides this was to have
-" Wk It was this strange been a three volume novel, if the hero hadn't gone and got himself
similarity in the dis- killed off in that lavish way.
parity of their ages
__-,i. which had tended to
establish the 'y A LEGER LYRIC.
Strong intimacy be-A LEGER LYRIC
.. tweenthem. Indeed 'Tis merry, 'tis prime, in autumn time,
if the one had not To attend the Yorkshire meeting,
.'left off being a boy Where Tykes abound all over' the ground,
some years before the And display their powers of eating.
--------.... --- -.--- other was born, they
S-.......ud have been Here you will find the rugged hind,
friends from infancy. The workman from his bench,
The younger knight was Sin BYGoo HIMGurriN. So was the elder Of esmen ou tro's qite a crowd
night, who was grand-uncle and godfather of his companion. To Who oft their throttles drench.
distinguish him from his elderly relative the youth was called Sin But though the cup they oft fill up,
BIoNo HEsc MriN, junior. Although gentlemen of private means, Of business they're not lacking;
they both travelled in hardware, SmI BYNGO, senior, being cased in And while they laugh, and chaff, and quaff,
Milan steel, while his grand-nephew was clad in genteelly lacquered They're fielding and they're backing.
brass, with a handsome bronze knocker between his shoulder Far different, too, from the Cockney crew
blades. Far dit'Iosom d owns,
Anon they drew near a hostelry which bore the sign of a bald-faced Who visit Epsom downs,
stag. The elder knight turned to his youthful companion, and ob- The odds to hirmn fqu ll well thaney kncrowns
served in a husky voice: T
"Let us sky a rose-noble for a stoup of liquor." First muttering, out at last they shout,
"Aye, marry! said the other, drawing the coin forth from his Upon the field I'll lay ;
trunk-hose, the best twain of thrice ? Bar one we do, but then for you
"Nay, let it be d I'c trance! was the reply, whereon he flung the There's others what can stay! "
coin into the air. Excitement now makes hot the brow
The image of his blessed majesty," cried the elder knight. Of brooding, bright-eyed BILL,
"By the makes, thou'rt wrong," answered the youth, "'tis the arms Who loudly raves, and over craves
of England." His high priced list to fill.
They alighted from their steeds, which they entrusted to a stripling,
who was selling copies of Ye Ekoe. Entering the hostelry they ordered For WILLIAM, sirs, of book-makers
a cup of sack. Is busiest and is best;
Will it please you to walk in here ?" said the drawer, showing He never tires while fortune wires
them into a handsomely sandedparlour. The backer to his nest.
Gramercy, fair sir," said the younger warrior, and I will e'en doff "Clear, clear the course! "-this order, hoarse,
my harness, which after my long and dusty ride will be none the worse From myriad throats is given;
for a touch of oil and rottenstone! Some, stalwart steeds, and some quite weeds,
"AA wise thought," said. his companion, "and sith my hauberk is Are to the starter driven.
rusty rlI unbuckle and let the varlets give it a touch of sandpaper."
'While the two warriors were thus sitting divested of their armour (Driven's a word must seem absurd
they heard without the cry as of a female sore bested! To jockey and to trainer,
'Beshrew me," said the youth, a female in distress! and without But it makes a rhyme when short of time
more ado he leapt out of the window sword in hand. His companion Is the puzzled paper-stainer.)
looked cut, but seeing the fall was somewhat too much for one of his Down goes the flag, the jockeys start,-
weight and age, he turned his attention to the stoup of liquor, The Leger is begun:
Young SIm BaNco saw a.varlet haling along a damsel who shrieked Plied by the spur the horses dart
piteously for aid, which the bystanders seemed loath to offer. Like coursers of the sun.
Draw and defend thyself, ruffian," shouted the young knight, as
he threw himself on his opponent, who immediately left go of the Now sounds the slash of busy lash
damsel and drew his weapon. On foremost horses' flanks,
They were both expert swordsmen and for a time the combat raged Proving the race is at a pace
without advantage to either side. Brother PACIFICUs, who was sitting Which thins the runners' ranks.
up with a sick friend, thrust his head out of the window at the noise The tumult's o'er-hushed is the roar-
and shouted out, "I, parvel Da illi unum pro seipso," which was the The judge's box is won;
best Latin he could master at such short.notice and without a lexicon, 'Tis Kingcraft's lot to beat the Scot,
for Go.it, little 'un give him one for himself !" But the winner's PALMEBSTON.
I'ight csme on. The crowd dispersed. Brother PACIICers shut the AvosPUn.
window and made himself a glass of rum and water. Still the two
adversaries continued te exchange blows. P. S.-I may as well inform you that there is Goon Hotn for the
They had inflicted many wounds on each other. Sm Br-No's two winner of the Ebor Handicap.
S72 FUNT [AUGUST 20, 1870.
BY OURva SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.
WERE it not for my native modesty, I should have no hesitation in
saying that I am the only Special Correspondent at the seat of war
who possesses the needful capacity and the requisite readiness of
resource. As it is, I shall content myself by saying that for fertility
of expedient, rapidity of intellectual grasp, and real unadulterated
genius, in your own jugs, there isn't another fellow out here that can
touch me. And I say so without vanity.
Just see what scrapes they have all got into! The correspondent of
the Standaw d was arrested by the Provost Marshal, who tried to make
him eat his words. As he refused to do so with the courage of a true
British journalist, they compelled him to swallow the contents of his
ink-bottle. The Times correspondent was seized as a Prussian spy,
owing to suspicions aroused by his possession of a German silver
fuzee-box. One of the Telegraph correspondents was in danger of being
martially executed with the shot he had paid for a soldier's glass of
absinthe. The artist of the Graphic was in custody for some hours,
and was only released on solemnly undertaking not to wash in any
more skies with Prussian blue. 'Ihe Daily News man is exported'
And yet they were all exerting every effort to avoid arrest. That's
just where it was. I courted arrest. My friends have always said
that I possessed great talent, and if I could only find some one who
would take me up, should distinguish myself. Well, I have been taken
up at last, and was brought before the Emperor. I should have blushed
for the race of special correspondent', if I had been for a moment at a loss
for a few facts invented to amuse his Imperial Highness. I informed
him that I was INSPECTOR OWLEAT, of the Detective Police, Scotland
Yard, and that I was in pursuit of HERR OZOKERIT, of the Bank of
England, who was trying to escape to the Prussians with seven millions
The Emperor was pleased to speak of me as a comrade, alluding
pleasantly to the days when he was a special constable. He imme-
diately ordered GENERAL LE B.Eur to order out an escort of the 71st
Regiment of La Marine d Cheval, and accompany me to the front.
The first eng a ement took place while I was there, and the Emperor,
subsequently coming up with the Prince Imperial, offered me a seat in
his carriage. I had therefore the honour of being present at the
ceremony which His Majesty has graphically described as the
baptism of fire of my young friend, Louis, as he insists eo my calling
When he picked up a bullet which obligingly fell close- By, it was
quite affecting to see the gallant veterans moved to tears: The big
drops coursed one another down their innocent noses, and they hastily
brushed them away with the butt-ends of their Chassep6ts, being either
ashamed to be seen using their pocket-handkerchiefs, or else unable to
use them because they hadn't any. I even observed big tears standing
on their noble foreheads; but that might have been the heat. We-I
speak for the army generally-have since found it rather too hot, and
a strategic movement, after the MACLELLAN style, is anticipated
This is authentic. The reports of other correspondents may differ,
but that is the result of envy combined with ignorance. This: lTtter
bears the stamp of truth. None other is genuine.
(Signed), YOUR SPECIAL San
Tailors by Special Appointment to the Queen.
THE last recruiting order received at Woolwich says, that lbr
the 70th, 44th, 64th, 56th, 63rd, 65th, and 72nd Foot "tailrs wilt.be
accepted of any height." That is to say, tailors are "bespoke" bat
are not to be "made to measure." The official reasons for this decision
are the following :-
1. No matter how high or low a tailor may be, he is just the mass
wanted to make a regiment uniform.
2. He is sure to, be at home at the needle-gun.
3." He is used to piece-work.
4. If there is one man mere likely than another to understand thel
breech-loader it ought to be the breeches-maker.
This is what one may call the suit complete."
T2r breed of horses must have degenerated very much since the -
Trojan war, for it is now an unusual thing to find a horse of over
sixteen hands, whereas we are told HOMER speaks of an old 'oss of a
hundred hands, named Briareus.
EPrrAnn FOR GUN-MAUPAcTU Rs R-B]lesed are the piece-makers.
AuusT 20, 1870.1 FUN. 73
I AM one of those people who meet with a smile
The troubles and cares of this life,
Though my laugh, I admit it, is snmniest, while
I'm a mere looker-on at the strife.
Yet, more ready to smile I should certainly be
At mishaps to my joys or my loves,
If, when fortune intends any buffets for me,
She would only just put on the gloves.
I abstain from -wry faces, and swallow bad luck
With the very best grace I can find ;
But concerning such doses I've often been struck
By a thought that occurred to my mind-
With how placid a smile and how peaceful a mug
I could swallow my portion of ills,
E'en though fate should prescribe me her bitterest drug,
If she only would silver the pills!
At danger I never grow timid or pale,
From risk I'm the last one to shrink;
Though oft (for I frequently travel by rail)
Of destruction I've stood on the brink.
Aye, and if in an accident injured some day
(For such things on the best lines will come),
I shall find compensation e'en there! That's to say
If they only let me name the sum!
To a Nicety.
H Pn's a nice advertisement:
A.N English assistant (twenty-three or twenty-five years, height 7 ft. 10 in.), as
Junior, who speaks French fluently. Salary, 7. 10s. per month, board and
lodge out; also 5-allowed for travelling expenses. Absolutely necessary that the
Candidate speaks French fluently. Letters not replied to in eight days may be
considered declined. Address, etc., etc.
A pound per foot per month seems good enough pay, but what is the
absolute necessity for that particular height ? Would a youth seven
foot eleven or seven foot nine be ineligible ? Can it be possible this
lengthy assistant is to be exhibited as a giant, or advertised as a proof
of the salubrious nature of the climate ?
Another Pair of Shoes.
WHAT sort of shoes can this mean ?-
A bootmaker has set up a sign-board in the Rue St. Denis, advertising that he
sells patriotic shoes "-" Chaussures patriotiques."
Are they so constructed as to ensure their wearers against any further
"welting"? Or now that the French are likely to be shut-up at
Metz are these to be used as closed-uppers ?
SOME people seem to think reasons are as plentiful as blackberries:-
A labourer who come out of gaol on Monday morning, at Cambridge, was seen
the same.night crawling on the railway near Chesterton junction. He placed his
head on the rails, and a passing Irain severed it from his body. No reason can be
assigned for the act.
Reason, indeed! How can one expect reason from a man who .has
lost his head so completely ?
A,- advertisement of a soothing compound for children commences
InrANT LInR.-There is no doubt that the Registrar-General's reports and
statistics relating to morality amongst infants would show a very marked improve-
ment if, etc etc.
This is a sweeping charge against our babes, at which we may well
expect to see them in arms. If infant morality is at such a low ebb
we can hardly wonder at London's being called The Modern
Sarve her Right.
Tes was a very proper case for punishment:-
At Rochester, the other day, Ann Budding the wihe of a sapper, was sentenced to
six months' imprisonment for cruelly beating her child, aged 6, and tying lighted
matches to his fingers. The excusewas that the child told stories.
Because the child told fibs, she ought not to have aggravated his
wickedness by making him light-fingered.
ART AND POLrris. Painters, -when they transfer the Cliffs of
Albion to canvas, should use a neutr-al tint.
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
MR. WYLD, of Charing Cross, has published a clear and comprehensive
map of the seat of war, which will not only enable readers at home to
follow the movements of the hostile forces, but will prove of immense
value to those special correspondents," for whom a stool in the office
means the seat of war, and who have to accompany the armies in their
own imaginations-a limited field of operation.
Ir-as has been sometimes alleged-we Loomic writers have made
somewhat too much out of MR. TUPPER, he has avenged himself now!
He has spun out his general belief into about four hundred and fifty
lines, called it A Creed, and sent a copy to us. If this is to be the
penalty we won't chaff MR. TuPPER any mote! We won't say we
ave read the work, because no one would bdieve us if we did-but,
oh!-we have tried! Still there is a strain of burlesque running
through it, which, we must say, we do not consider suited for so
serious a. theme-even when unintentional.
A FEW MUDDLED METAPHORS.
BY A MoonE-oss MaEomIST.
OHr, ever thus, from childhood's hour,
I've seen my fondest hopes recede !
I never loved a tree or flow'r
That didn't trump it's partner's load.
I never nursed a dear gazelle,
oa0 glad me with its dappled hide,
But, when it came to know me well,
It fell upon the buttered side.
I never taught a cockatoo
To whistle comic songs profound,
But, just when Jolly Dogs it knew,
It failed for ninopence in the pound.
I never reared a walrus-cub
In my aquarium to plunge,
But, when it learnt to love its tub,
It placidly threw up the sponge!
I never strove a metaphor
To every bosom home to bring,
But--just as it had reached the door-
It went and cut a pigeon's-wing!
THIS is alarming!-
The foot and mouth disease is reported to have again broken out.
We can vouch for the truth of this, for we have observed some people
whose mouths have broken out so that it has communicated a strong
inclination to kick to our foot. We must try to stamp it out.
Br A CHIEL WHO SPEERS AND PoND-ERS.-Better than an opera
Bouff6: a refreshment buffet.
[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accomrn
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
ENxQUIREi.-We gave up the and which crusade long ago. It was
useless to try and teach people a language which is so seldom used as
English Numerous as publications are in this country, you will not find
more than two or three written in English.
WV. (Blackheath).-We regret we cannot oblige you.
B. C. (Camberwell).-Thanks! But not available.
C. (Finchley).-We're afraid it has been done already.
G. B. S.-Thanks; but are not you a trifle too serious when you look a
gift-horse in the mouth, while he is grinning through his collar ?
P. P.-Jokes about Berlin "being on the Spree "are worn-out veterans,
and should be sent to the Hospital for Incurables, or Figaro.
PRUVSTAN sends us as "a good riddle he has just heard" the old query,
"When is a door not a door ?" The whole French army couldn't beat that
G. (Bayswater).-Than s for suggestion.
Declined with thanks :-S., Soberley Sipwater; G. D. L. D., Kensington;
Sigma; R. M.; Theoretic; F. L. S. D., Kingsland; B., Liverpool; Jules;
H. E., City; W. H. M., Sheffield; H. C., Westminster; Toodles; J. M.,
Liverpool; D. 0. T., Bedford; J. B., Cheltenham; Rosie; N. W., Man-
chester; A. G. M., Edinburgh; W. H., Southport; Begum; E. D. T.,
Peckham; S. G. T., Cotham; E. P., Cardiff; Stuffy; F. M. P.; Larky; A
Cuss.tomer; R. E. V.; D. A. D Dalston; J., Islington; Never Say Die;
Americanus; U( in a Corner; J. P., Victoria-park; Ami; X + y; A
Reader; D, Leeds; T. C. R.; F. C Kensington.
74 FU N [AUGUST 20, 1870.
PLAYING AT FATHER AND MOTHER.
Dedicated to the Opponents of Elementary Education.
Girl:-"'Ow MUCH 'A' YE 'AD?" I Boy:--"A POT AND A PINT!"
Girl:-" THEN NOW YOU MUST KNOCK MR DOWN AND KICK ME, AND I'LL
'OLLER, MURDER, POLICE! "
CHATS ON THE MAGS.
THE Food Journal is excellent this month. DR. MUTER has
discovered that ginger-beer proper contains alcohol and is therefore
not a teetotal drink! Awful consternation of those mistaken abstainers
who have taken their "pop" unquestioning!
The St. James's contains a memoir and portrait of DICKENS. We
are glad to see "A Life's Assize" is to be resumed next month.
The Young Ladies' Journal is as good and cheap as ever-the best of
the magazines for women.
The Gentlemen's Journal is varied and amusing. We shall be glad
to record the ending of the highwayman story, which is not worthy of
Tne Atlantic Menthly contains some interesting reminiscences of
DICKENS, with other readable articles, notably the continuation of the
"English Governess at the Siamese Court."
Our Young Folk, has a touching little story, Bobbit's Hotel," by
Miss PHELPS, and a comic sketch, Dat ar Bill," to crown a variety of
PEACE AT ANY PRICE.
MY tables, pr'ythee; lest I lose
The hint-to set it down were meet-
That if you can't eat what you choose,
'Twere best you chews whatever you eat."
I rob not TUPPkR of his due
When this portentous saw I utter-
"Although it disagrees with you,
Don't quarrel with your bread-and-butter!"
Thames mud of the constituent parts
Of butter may be reckoned head:
And e'en the relish that imparts
May be extremely thinly-spread:
Still be all discontent repressed-
Indulge no mumbling mutinous mutter!
And (I advise you for the best)
Don't quarrel with your bread-and-butter."
Your bread may scarce be fit for beast-
May be too foul for fowl; and, ah,
Its sole connection with the (y)east
The thought suggestive-" Alum, bah!"
Yet do not murmur-seize the knife,
And of the loaf become a cutter.
This maxim is with wisdom rife,
"Don t quarrel with your bread-and-butter!"
If than no bread, you silly oaf,
You find-as surely find you will-
Better by far is half a loaf,
The smallest pat is butter still!
So ope your mouth and shut your eyes,
Munch quietly-don't choke and splutter.
And-if you'd be accounted wise,
Don't quarrel with your bread-and-butter.
Butter-though its offence be rank "-
Will make your bread than dry bread fitter:
E'en for dry bread your fortunes thank-
It may be dry-but no bread's bitter!
Although your case as hard you view,
It lacks still desperation utter
While it is possible that you
Can quarrel with your bread-and-butter.
CONSOLATION FOR THE OUTSIDERS. Genius
often goes unappreciated the ripe scholar is
Going for a Song.
WE clip this from a contemporary :-
It is stated that a discovery hai been made in the vaults of the Bmnk of B-ngal of
1,000,000 in bonds and securitue bAlogiiito the Nwilb Nasim. It was deposited
thirteen years ago, fr investment ant had beenoverlooked, and now, at 6 por cent.
interest is equivalent to another million.
This is excellent news for the Nawab-and for the various papers
which are so very disinterestedly supporting his claims They will all
sing one tune now-the million-air.
Groom and Grow-'em.
How injudiciously worded this is:-
A S GROOM. No objection to a garden. Etc.
[f the groom has no objection (rooted ?) to a garden, we should say the
garden would have an objection to him. He'd curry-comb the horse-
radish, we suppose, and take the dandy-brush to the cockscombs.
VOICES OF THE STARS.-Their chorus-cation.
THE STANDARD, 17th March, 1870, in a notice of Mr. Streeter's MORNING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870:-"It has claims on all
Catalogue, says :-" The practical information furnished is very in- persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
teresting, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this stations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
useful little work." additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
CouRT JoURNAL, 19th March, 1870 : -" Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold- beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant nnd rich specimens of orna-
smith and jeweller, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attr activee "
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery." PUBLIC OPINION, 16th April, 1870 :-" The beautiful designs of the
UNITED SERVICE GAZETTE, 9th April, 1870:-" Mr. Streeter, like his various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvenuto Cellini, combines information the volume contains, these designs, together with the cx-
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious collence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat." value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: August 20, 1870.
ArOuST 27, 1870.1 F UN .
THE EDITOR'S STEEL PEN.
OH! did you ever write a leading article, i I"*"'i ii.' ii )
And having left it, didn't see't again
Until the morn; and then scarce saw a particle .'
Of all the'product of your busy brain? '
Oh have you dreamt of how at breakfast tIn)e
Your dictum would meet politicians' ken;
And then discover that you were not able
To combat againstt the Editor's steel pen ?
Perhaps you've told a friend o'er midnight glass
That you had showed how Prussia could entrench,
And in the morning to your grief, alas!
You find the honour given to the French.
Perhaps you did the Emperor abuse,
And said that he must abdicate; and then,
You find how gloriously his mitrailleu'e
Is pictured by the Editor's steel pen.
"Hanging is cruel," you had stronglv said,
And CATCRArr'S trade you've bravely tried to check,
By urging that no wicked culprit's head
Should ruthlessly be severed from his neck.
And having sought the weapons of your mind,
And spent their keenness on your purpose; then
A counter-theory you sadly find I '
Suggested by the Editor's steel pen.
The rights of manhood you have fondly striven
To inculcate; and you pursue the course
Of saying they to woman should be given,
Afd on their virtues amiably discourse.
Next day you find that in unmanly diction
You're told that women cannot copy men,
And also that your argument is fiction-
At least, so states the Editor's steel pen. ,
In your production, you may haply call "'
The Chief Commissioner of Works a duffer; ,
By politics must papers stand or fall,
And so a line like this they will not suffer.
And when you AvYrow as a demon paint,
And think the lion bearded in his den:
You see him blazoned as a blooming saint, Making the Worse Appear the Better Reason.
Depicted by the Editor's steel pen. ay Corporate F.oey:-"DID YOU SAY GRACE AT THE C.,u'oRATrON
BANQUET LAST NIGHT?"
WHENCE wouldyou expect "the light of other days?" Clerical Ditto :-" WVELL, NO! IT IS NOT MEET FOR A WATER-)DRINEIt
Ez (lamp)-post facto. LIKE ME TO ATTEND SUCH JUNKETINGS, AND BESIDES-1 twasn't uit'ild !"
THE FATAL FIRE.
SIR DODIFER DE STRYKALITE had fought in the Crusades. He was
a particularly stalwart warrior, and as he generally gave rather more
than he took in a combat, he was uncommonly fond of fighting. I
regret to say he was not equally fond of his wife. She was considerably
his superior in wordy warfare, which may account for it.
The reasons of his going to the Crusades-there were two of them
(reasons, I mean; not Crusades)-were to be found in the facts that a
scrimmage was dear to him, and LADY STRYKALITE wasn't If it had
not been for these two causes he would never have been accounted one
of the foremost warriors in the Crusade.
He was not as lucky in the wars as other knights. They returned
to England laden with booty. The only prizes he brought home were
a silver snuff-box, taken from the pocket of an Emir whom he slew,
and the gold setting of a false front tooth, that he had knocked out of
some Paynim jaw.
He found his estates had gone to rack and ruin. His brother, whom
he had left behind to manage the property in his absense, had bolted.
LADY S. had diverted on his head all the scalding streams of
rhetoric she had hitherto devoted to SIR DODIFER; but as he, the
brother, was not her husband, he wouldn't stand it, not being compelled
to do so by the law. The tenants who had up to that time paid their
rent to him brought it to her Ladyship. But she made rent-day so
hot for them that they did not repeat the experiment.
SiR DODIFER was on the verge of bankruptcy. What made it worse
was that her Ladyship, in the most unconscionable manner, ascribed
their ruin to his taste for war instead of her love of discord.
"Remains of ague caught in the campaign, my dear!" Said SIR
DODIFER, Hartshorn oil and opodeldoe. Order in a few hogsheads.
Also a barrel of turpentine for plasters."
The medicaments were purchased.
VOL. XII. E
My dear," said SIR DODIFER, "those shirts of mine I brought back
from the wars: They're very old only rags; and I want rags to
apply my dressing."
The dilapidated garments were produced.
He certainly made use of an immense quantity of the liniments and
of the linen. Of the latter he left oily and spirituous fragments all
over the place.
That night that knight's Castle was burned to the ground. 11hr
Ladyship's body, it failed to be found; and Sin Doniviut only escaped
thence unhurt in a pair of old slippers, a nightcap, and shirt.
But the Insurance Company said the case was so suspicious they
wouldn't pay. SIR DoiraER said he must e'en be satislied. Alflictions
are often only blessings in disguise, and on the whole he thought ho'd
got off' pretty well. for blessings, in this instance. But he nevertheless
afterwards married again! .
MY lover sends me diamonds and pearls,
Because he thinks me vain, like other girl,
And fond, like other girls, of dressing loully.
To send my love his jewels back again
Without an hour's delay, by luggage train,
Were only acting properly and proudly.
To think me worldly-minded-what a sham" !
I scorn the world, I hate its very name,
I fondly pine for solitude and cloisters;
And, as for pearls, permit me to declare,
Rather than ushe gaudy gems for wear,
I'd eat three dozen of their native oysters.
S-- F P FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Aug. 24th, 1870.
EFORE separating for a vacation, which may, alas, be unex-
G nC pectedly broken-in upon by new complications on the Continent,
the Ministry has very properly secured, in so far as its power
lies, the neutrality of our plucky little neighbour, Belgium. A
treaty to preserve its territory intact has been submitted to-and
signed by the conflicting powers; and although probably no one will
place too high a value on the word of either of the parties to the
famous-or infamous-" Secret Treaty," we have at least made it quite
clear that as regards the inviolability of Belgian territory we are
determined to stick to our word.
Our neutrality under such circumstances is the respected neutrality
which sleeps with one eye open, and a very pretty show of teeth to
display if needed. In the shadow of the British Bulldog, that plucky
little Belgian pup may repose in security. Peace P? Yes, peace by all
means! Peace at any price? Yes, peace at any price-save
WE learn from the City Press that the report recently sent in of the
health of the City Police by the surgeon of the force contains this
The table showing the sickness amongst the various divisions displays the fact
that the 3rd, in Fleet--treet, were the healthiest.
We are proud of the statement, of the truth of which we have been
assured by the stalwart constables on our beat, who declare that they
find the FuN-office eigh tee-ming source of health- eigh-tee-cher of
wisdom-eigh-tee dinner and supper in one, and in every respect
The Same -with a Difference.
THE Fenian GENERAL O'NEILL, now in Burlington jail for his absurd
attempt to invade Canada, has been "interviewed" by that irrepressi-
ble being the Yankee newspaper correspondent:-
The reporter asked him to explain candidly to what his failure was to be
attributed. The General Nepli d that it was owing entirely and solely to lack
We quite agree with this -" entirely and solely," we should say to
lack of men-especially generals."
The Latest News for Lunatics.
WE read the following paragraph with pity not unmixed with
George Stokes, a lunatic, who for seven years has been an inmate of the Chester
County Asylum, made his escape from the institution on the lath July. Nothing
was heard of him until Thursday, when he was discovered haymaking in a field at
Coppenhall. lie was removed to Chester on Friday, under the care of an officer
sent for the purpose.
Now, if every lunatic at large, found turning a penny, more or less
honest, by his labours is to be shut. up, we fear there would be vacan-
cies on the staffs of one or two newspapers.
This suggests a grand idea:-
The story that an inventor has discovered a process by which a dead body can be
petrified in an hour as hard as a stone, suggests to a wag that he ought to accompany
our troops cn the frontier, where he could drive a lively business at petrifying
Indians, and selling them for tobacco signs.
If the ingenious inventor would but turn his attention to experiments
for reversing his process and urpetryfying stone-figures, England
would be indeed grateful. He could unpetrify our public-statues, and
then all London would subscribe a fund to enable them to emigrate!
TINNED meats are now plentifully imported; the perfection of this
branch of industry will be arrived at when we can get the meat
without the tin.
A Business View.
AN undertaker was sued the other day for breach of promise of mar-
riage. He pleaded that he was compelled for business reasons to
break off the match, the lady was so devoid of symetery."
[AUGusT 27, 1870,
"NOT IF HE KNOWS."
What not yacht? "-Anon.
HE breezes are blowing,
The flood-tide is flowing,
\. The glad Little Nelly,"
SWith white sails that belly,
'. The swift yachts are racing;
The skipper is pacing
I "\ The deck of his cutter,
And sometimes will utter
S-- "Avast "
S- The timbers are creaking,
S-- -_- .. The sea-gulls are shrieking;
-_--- The waves roll unceasing,
=- The breeze is increasing
And the landsman grows paler,
.- /And says to the sailor:
S" If I see land once more,
I -- I will venture from shore
-- ,Ne'er again!"
,But the wind and the ocean
.. Persist in their motion;
And the vessel keeps dipping,
And bounding, and skipping
i A So sighing for steward,
He stumbles to leeward,
S- O'er spar, sail, and cable,
-- -To whisper scarce able,
But the vessel still dancing,
Goes bounding and prancing,
And bowing politely
S ^' ~To waves, that break brightly
While the poor pallid creature,
Distorted in feature,
Faintly hopes that each tack
Is to carry him back
To his home.
Meanwhile, on the sands
Our friend SOLOMONS stands;
In nautical get-up,
With telescope set-up
In nautical phrases
He deals, as he gazes
Afar o'er the sea,
Till you think he must be
In the fleet.
But I'll stake my debentures,
That he never ventures
On bark, schooner, yawl,
Launch, or cock-boat so small-
None of those!
If you ask him the why-ness
Of this, his sea-shyness;
While a smile his lips plays on,
His finger he lays on
Old Saws with New Handles.
"Where there's smoke "-there's as often cabbage-leaf as baccyy!
"111 weeds "-very often make their smokers ill too.
Who sups with the devil"-must be fond of cayenne and drum-
Short reckonings make "-it rather inconvenient for people who
are "short" too!
"He who touches pitch "-had better put on an old pair of gloves.
"All is not gold "-which Brummagem jewellers so de-" fine."
"A fool and his money "-are the delight of match-making mothers.
"When the cat's away the mice will play "-the part of the police-
man, instead of her.
As fools think "-but, come now, we ain't such a fool as to think
fools do think!
AGUT 27, 1870.J FUN. 77
TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION,
CONFO;ND the flies! I've tried treacle and beer, and sugar and
water, and even have exerted myself- and tlb heat is something
awful-to destroy them wholesale with a fly-flapper. But the cry is
still they hum! They not only hum but they tickle, and even bite at
times. Bother the flies! Can't see what possible use they are on
the contrary it is quite impossible to get decent meat now. It's as
tough as leather; killed and eaten the same day-all because of
It s impossible to get to sleep for them. If I've closed my eyes
once I have fifty times-and had to open them the next instant
because an obtrusive fly would gallop over my nose Wish to goodness
there were no flies. I should like to know what's the use of men
being the lords of creation, if they can't abolish flies! "
These words reached the ear of a passing- philosopher. He was
deeply struck by their wisdom. Here indeed, said he to himself, is a
problem worth solving.' I will seek some retired spot, and devote
myself to its solution. So he took lodgings in Pentonville, washing
and attendance included.
"Now," he exclaimed aloud, as he stood on the doorstep about to
enter his retreat, "now I will unravel the mystery-beyond all
question a very great mystery-a stupendous mystery "-
"And no flies said a vulgar little boy. The sage went in and
slammed the door.
As he sat gazing out of the window wondering which was the best
way of approaching, the difficulty, he beheld a fly buzzing on the pane.
Presently he began to understand the buzzing, which finally developed
itself into the following oration.
It is rather hard, considering the world was specially created for
my enjoyment, that those horrid monsters of men-why they were
created I never could understand-should be allowed to interfere with
my duties and. my pleasures. When he is young he pulls my wings
off. When he grows old he tempts me to intoxicating orgies on
deleterious mixtures. He shuts up the beef and mutton, intended
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 181.
DAY after day the eager crowd
For late editions cries aloud
At news-shop big and news-shop small,
And clamours round SMITH'S railway stall.
"Another battle ? is the cry: ,.
Nay, rather warfare's end, say I, ''. ,,i
Should be the news for which to sigh!
1. Among the youth of this enlightened age iI
Too oft will he your wondering sight engage. r
His vacant talk betrays head-emptiness
Of all save tailor-planted thoughts on dress;
His one ambition is -how weak and small-
Rather be stared at, than not seen at all."
Sooner than folks in streets should pass him by,
He'd have them smile and murmur, What a guy! "
2. When HORACE, neathh his vine,
Sang of cool cups of wine,
He little knew, oh, Wenham Lake,
How cool these crystal blocks of thine
The Future's cups would make!
3. Speed o'er the waters dark
Noiselessly, sable bark,
While I attune
Softly the cithern's string
My serenade to sing
Under the moon,
Where the low breezes wing
O'er the lagoon.
4. A very common word indeed,
Bestowed on folk of different creed:
For though the world has great variety
Of slang, the Billingsgate of piety
Is far more glib than any other;
For when a Christian hates his brother
For not-without one doubt-receiving
His own fixed fashion of believing,
He dubs him heathen past retrieving!
5. "Let us suspend our strife," they said,
Advancing with white flag outspread,
That both sides may inter their dead! "
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 179. Victory, Retreat .
Valour, Inheritance, Combat, Tar, Ordnance, Ratafia,
CoanRCT SOLUTIONS OF AcROSTIC No. 179, RECEIVED AuG. 17th.-
Mlr.nie;Dalziel.Cottage; Pimlico Tom Cat; Lindis.
solely for my food and as a nursery for my children, in safes and under
wire covers. He even has the impudence to interfere with my right
of way over his nose, which any one with the slightest knowledge of
architecture must see was erected simply as a promenade for my race.
I cannot see how man comes to be permitted-a mere excresconso such
as he is-to interfere with the pursuits of that most important and
pre-eminent race, the flies, for whose sole enjoyment earth was made."
The philosopher has not up to this moment given notice to quit at
his lodgings, so he must be still unable to solve his problem.
TF you find people, uninvited, planting their foot in your garden, run
the roller lightly over their potaieoes-likewise their corn. You will
be sure to find them groan ; so the process promotes vegetation.
We haven't tried the following, but commend the notion to our
readers' attention. By boiling your peas before planting them you
ought to ensure their produce being ready boiled. Boil a few and
plant them. If they don't come up at once, you can soon got them up.
With a spade. This is the cheapest mode of forcing.
The ordinary marrow may be grown without glass. Spinal marrow
requires a frame-in fact, a human frame. It will not do much
without it, indeed.
Don't mix your mustard before planting. Once mixed it will go to
(mustard) pot. Water-crease must of course be cultivated in water.
Popping crease will be found to flourish best in fields where cricket
Don't grow onions for sale, if you do not wish to be compelled to
hawk them about. The influence of these plants is so great that we
have seen people who wished to sell them forced to cry in the streets
KINDLY BEAR IN MINn.-Where MURnAT, of handbook fame, should
be at home in Scotland-in Moray-shire.
QUITE BY ACCIDENT."
"At the Prince of Wales's Theatre."- Vide Bills.
78 FU N. [AuGUST 27, 1870.
A GRIEF BEYOND HEALING.
.osie:-" WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, CARRY ARBE YOU LAME F "
Carry:-"OH, NO, DEAR! BUT I'VE LOST MY RIGHT HEEL-AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I SHALL GET HOME-AND THERE ISN'T A SOUL
IN THE PLACE THAT KEEPS THEM "
LOVE AND RUBBISH. Similia Similibus.
ON a day when Love's Aurora THERE really seems some truth in Homoeopathy after all. Bullet
Lighted all the sky of life, wounds, it seems, are best healed by the material of which bullets are
When I fancied that my FLoK made. The Athenaum, speaking of the proposal of PROFESSOR BUR-
Was to be my wife; GRAEVE to adopt the use of lead-foil instead of lint, says:-
As a pledge of the confession The lead is made to adhere to the flesh by some glutinous substance; and it is
That I read in both her eyes, said t1 at it has been found highly effective in many cases of workmen injured in
Of her glove I took possession- factories. Lead is both sool and soft to the shin, and the sulphite of lead which is
Of her g ov I topseinformed prevents putrefaction. Another great recommendation is, that the wound
Six three-quarter size. may be cooh d, without removing the lead, by merely wetting the bandage with
water; and thus the entrance of infected air, and consequently of morbid germs, is
Though of superfine kid leather, entirely prevented.
All the finger-tips were torn; This is all very good, but we cannot help suspecting our contemporary
And the glove was altogether of a little quiet satire. Lead is cool and soft to the skin." Cela
Very old and worn. depend We doubt if the writer of that sentence would have said so
In my desk I laid the token- had he had any experience of lead as applied by the Chassepot or
In a corner quite apart ; Needle-gun!
Emblem of a faith soon broken,
And a breaking heart. Dead-alive.
For I found she loved another, A COUNTRY contemporary in speaking of a recent thunderstorm
And my miseries began ; said, several cattle were killed, but fortunately no lives lost." We
She is married and a mother, trust the inspectors were on the look out for consignments to Smithfield
I'm a single man. from our friend's district. If the cattle were alive after being killed,
Will she think me rude or cubbish the meat must most certainly have been unfit for human consumption.
If I send her back the glove,
Telling her to throw her rubbish S
Where she throws her love ? The Sign of a Fraction.
WE read that the difference between the tailors of Cork and their
employers is at an end." What was the difference ? They are all
Good in Evil.* fractions of the same kind, for according to the popular definition, a
THE Money Market Review describes the state of business-which it tailor whether master or workman is only the ninth part of a man.
afterwards speaks of as an indisposition-in the Stock Exchange as a Perhaps the workmen do sew, and the masters do not so.
" partial paralysis." We trust it only attacks the "legs," in which
case the constitution generally will be benefited. APROPOS or THE TURNiP CROP.-Farmers turm'-it- a failure.
'S -~ -.
THE SAFEST NEUTRALITY.
SLEEPING WITH ONE EYE OPEN.
MONDAY OUT. ai
BY OCu SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
No. V.-(Conc uded.) fo
IN due time we arrived at Woolwich, where I landed, and taking a sa
penny boat crossed over to the Royal Gardens, my attention being p
directed thitherwards by an announcement that a grand gala was to
take place at that favoured resort for the benefit of the proprietor. I in
was soon standing at the side of a platform on which specimens of fim
humanity and quadrumanity were revelling in the strains of a blatant th
brass band, and as I watched the dignity and grace which accompanied I
the movements of the lower animals and contrasted them with the
clumsy antics of the full-grown beings, I rejected for ever the propo- s
sitions of DARWIN and MONnoDno, and formed a theory for myself.
The cunning of the inferior beast is all very well," said I, "but b:
the brain of man more than compensates for any deficiency in style or st
strength. How easy it is to deceive a poor monkey, but I should like o
to find the fellow, no matter how plausible, who could take me in. I i
should only just like one to try." t
As I half audibly gave utterance to this sentiment, I beheld, crossing i
the platform towards me, the French gentleman whose ludicrous o
mistake on board the boat had so enlivened me. I had not observed
him land, but there he was, determined to enter into conversation, and s1
as I was not at all disinclined for a chat he was soon busy, in his j
amusing broken English relating his history, the concluding part of
which was most interesting, and was to the effect that a relative had r
lately died and left him a very comfortable estate and nearly a million r
And so you see," he said (I shall not attempt to follow him in his f
mispronunciations) I have come here to enjoy myself. I have bought t
many guidebooks, and am determined to judge for myself. These i
Royal Gardens are of course the resort of your nobility-your patri- I
cians and aristocrats ? You see by this that I am prepared to pay my
way, however expensive it may be." r
Heproduced a heavy-looking pocket book, and opening it showed me
what looked like rolls of notes and lots of sovereigns in various
I like a glass of good dry champagne; I know that it is to be
obtained at the Royal; and therefore when he insisted on my being
his guest over a bottle it was with great willingness on my part that
we strolled towards the house, called for and obtained the ambrosial
flask, which we were discussing in a pleasant room overlooking the
river, when a stranger entered and seated himself at an adjoining
table. My vivacious friend rattled away heedless of the newcomer,
who was a tall farmer-looking man weighing twice as much as the
dapper little foreigner. The stranger mixed himself a steaming jorum
of brandy and water, listening attentively to the little man's bounce
about the glories of his beloved France, and suddenly jumped up when
comparison was made between that country and England unfavourable
to the latter, and threatened to exterminate the adventurous traveller.
The farm-r, for such he declared he was, got into a furious passion,
said he would not hear his country insulted, and insisted on a
retractation. I made myself extremely busy and at last settled matters
amicably, the belligerents shook hands, each insisted on paying for a
bottle of sparkling, and we all seated ourselves at one table.
Presently the Frenchman assured his late opponent that it was just
as well the quarrel had ended where it did as he had in his native
village often beaten a whole row of civic functionaries. The farmer
of course jeered at this, and M. RAVAILLAC (as he styled himself) though
admitting how foolish it was to talk of fighting in peaceful company,
offered to back himself for a hundred pounds against either of us at
any peaceful athletic pursuit we might name. Thinking the wine
alone was talking, I tried to reason him out of his folly, but it was
useless, and he was determined to prove that he had not been vainly
"I will throw a weight or a heavy ball further than either of you,
and if I am foolish my money is not," said he, as he placed his pocket
book on the table, I will go and see if there is a place where we can
try our strength about here. I am not afraid to leave my purse to
prove I mean to return."
No sooner was he gone than the other man went to the door, peeped
out, and coming back took up the book.
"I'll wager there's a pretty penny here. Whew! he whistled
with astonishment as he looked in it. Why, here's a thousand pound
if there's a farthing. Now, look'ee here, if lie's determined to throw
his coin away, we might as well have it as anyone else. How much
have you about you ?"
My worldly possessions were soon reckoned, I had about five and
twenty pounds which with my gold watch and chain would, my new
friend informed me, be a fair equivalent for fifty of the Frenchman's
You put his purse in your pocket,-I'll be fifty to your lot, and
we'll lay him a hundred about his throwing. He won't be in it with
either of us. Don't you part with his pocket book until it is over,
AUGUST 27, 1870.]
id then we'll divide the century. But first hand over your
I must confess that I felt some qualms about taking the poor little
reigner's pieces, but it looked such an easy way of earning fifty
pounds that I could not resist the temptation. Of course I felt quite
tisfied in trusting my valuables to the farmer, confident in the
possession of the bulky book.
We had but just arranged matters when the little man came rushing
divested of hat and coat, and shouted to us that he had discovered a
ne spot for the exhibition of muscular prowess. We explained to him
tat the farmer held 100, and that he would have to pay a like sum if
defeated him at casting a weight.
" Well, you've got my book, and if I don't win you can help your-
We left the Royal and walked down the road until we came to the
ack of a house from which a covered shed ran down to where we
ood. On being told that this was the place, I pushed open the door
f the outhouse which closed with a bang behind me, and found I was
n a large enclosure, evidently used as a cowhouse, but which was at
he time empty. As I turned away, disliking the odours of the place,
heard a loud laugh, and the voice of the Frenchman, this time with-
ut the slightest foreign accent broke upon my car.
" Good bye, old bloke, you can amuse yourself by trying your
strength. Sorry we can't join you, but the train's just off. This is a
olly good red super. I'll wear it for your sake."
I rushed to the door, but it was fastened firmly, and hearing the
treating footsteps of my companions on the gravel, toro open the
rize book I had so coveted, still half believing that the departure was
'ut a joke. Alas! the gold was but dross, and the notes were but
limsy imitations. Is it now necessary that I should confess myself
he dupe of two designing sharpers, and that I should relate how I called
n vain for assistance, and had to wait until the kyes came hame ?
Think not, for the perception of my readers much more acute than
was mine, will at once enable them to understand how sorrowful is the
ecollection of this eventful Monday out.
VIGIL Of love to keep,
I to your lattice creep,
Soft, lady, be your sleep-
Let no dream fret it!
Ope not the blue eye hid
Under the drooping lid;
For if by chance you did,
You would regret it;
Since this perverse bassoon
Somehow's got out of tune;
And, in a loud commune,
On the roof o'er us.
Tabby and Thomas cat-
Their interference drat! -
Seem quite delighted at
Joining in chorus.
Likewise, I grieve to state,
Neighbour next door, irate,
Fails to appreciate
"Go away-tipsy elf!
Ought to be 'sham'd 'yerself !
Put that row on the shelf:
Blow your chromatics I "
THE South American ChuO-chman says, dpropos of a question about
Tt is evident if some of us are going to use copes, and others of us nothing but
surplices, others of us will discard the use of all garments whatsoever.
Goodness gracious, what a threat. The bare idea is shocking; what
would the bare fact be ? Beside, would not such a course be a simple
acknowledgement of clerical dishabille-ity ? We always thought-
and the case (or unease) of the Irish Church confirmed our belief-
that Churchmen objected to being stripped. We have heard of things
going for an old song-this is more like going for a now ditty. Does
our American contemporary consider all vesture to be garb-ago ? lie
should remember even the Jumpers don't object to jerkins.
A Rub For Royalty.
KINI Cotton has beggared many a rash speculator-and we have all
read the story of King Coffee-tua and the Beggar Maid.
82 FU N [AUGUST 27, 1870.
THE THAMES REGATTA.
As many persons are unaware of the etymology of the word
regatta, I may as well inform my readers all about it, as I consider
there is nothing so essentially the duty of the sporting writer as to
spread well about the few crumbs of information he now and again
drops upon. It is for this reason that I always explain the meanings
of the classical names which owners so often bestow upon horses, and
I feel assured that both the pronunciation and original reference of
the names belonging to such well-known quadrupeds as Spiderlegs,
Soapsuds, Acrobat, Anteater, Lemonade, and hundreds of other equally
abstrusely registered would have been much misapplied and misunder-
stood had it not been for my unaided efforts. But it is in no light
mood I have set myself the task of improving the breed of bettors, I
am as much in earnest as Tattersall's Committee is with regard to
horses; and heedless of their success or failure, their censure or their
praise, I mean to carry my design into execution, and make every one
that reads my columns ultimately as brilliant as myself.
Regatta, then, is derived from two Greek archaics-re, back, and
gatta anything which is good to drink, and therefore those who lie
upon their backs and the bank quaffing the beery beverage of Barclay,
the portly potation of Perkins, or the milky-mantled mixture of Meux,
are doing more towards the due celebration of the festival than are
either swiftly striking scullers or fast-fatiguing fours. Regatta was of
course a term originally applied to all days on which the pursuits of
eating,,drinking, and being merry were carried on, but lately it has
only been applied to big rowing events.
Hidden by the balefully pluvial mantle of the Jupiterian deity, our
old friend Sol did not emit his sparkling rays upon the riverside, but
the air was gratefully cool and delicious, the water danced merrily to
the sound of the banjo and the bones, the mimic waves caused by the
many matchboats broke as though mirthfully to the music-hall melody,
the ladies' dresses presented a variegated and kaleidoscopic appear-
ance," and I felt so truly happy that the divine afflatus descended at
once upon me. I sat down upon the bank, and wrote many stanzas,
but will only introduce you to the following, to show that I speak
How delicious it is to be able to write
Poetry when and wherever you like.
You see at race meeting, regatta, or fight-
I jot down rhyming thoughts as ideas me strike.
Here is another (the rest are all sold):-
Oh, beautiful is Putney at this very blessed time,
I feel as if I could dissolve myself right into rhyme.
My heart is gladly beating as I look along the shore,
And count the drunken persons by the dozen and the score.
I also wrote something about the Prusso-French war, which I after-
wards destroyed, being "not up to the mark" (my forte being sport-
ing), but I regret this much, as, from a study of the music-publishers'
advertisements, I feel convinced they would ascept anything, no
matter how bad, on the subject of marching along.
Well, the winners won their various races, and the losers either
stopped behind, fouled, or got places. The complete account you will
find elsewhere, room for the exact description we cannot spare.
Northumbria's sons their country left
Her prowess to maintain,
Against a bold and blue-nosed crew
Across the raging main:
But though they're gone, another lot
From canny Tyneside's come,
And collared both the pairs and fours
Unto their coally home.
[Since the above was in type we have received a letter from our
correspondent, stating that it has been sent us by mistake, and offering
a whole lot of really comic copy in lieu of what he states is a leader on
the late regatta for one of the sporting papers to which he contributes,
and which, he informs us, printed on one occasion, "more than all the
other sporting papers put together." We very much regret being
obliged to disappoint one for whom we have so great an esteem, but as
we have often wished for a real specimen of style we cannot readily
part with it when fortune is so kind as to throw one in our way.
Mr love, why is it so expensive to heat our conservatory ?" "Be-
cause, my dear, it's a heap-o'-cost (hypocaust)."
FASHION FOR THE ALPINE CLIMBER.-A Cut-a-way Coat.
SORROW ON THE SEA.
MlUCc as we regretted the running down of the Oneida, and much as
we blamed CAPTAIN EYRE (though he was not more culpably careless
than the commander of the American vessel); we confess we did not
know how great an injury had been inflicted on our Transatlantic
cousins until we saw the other day a number of Lipincott's Magazine.
In that periodical there is a "poem" from which we make a few
extracts. It begins by saying how when "Sat the sunset's ray, below
bright comforts glowed, hilarious spirits flowed, in Yokohama's Bay."
Then it becomes tragic: -
But soon there comes a shock-
A trembling, tea, ful knock-
Then all within's dismay I
They look: her quart r's gone!
A Demon Ship glides on
Up Yokohama's 2Bay.
Next it waxes numerically particular:-
Eightscore and sixteen men
Are left to battle then
With all the wild wave's play;
But two small boats to sae
A third from out the grave
Of Yokohama's Bay.
Fivescore fifteen go down,
And those who do-not drown,
Threescore and on.w are they :
These live to tell the tale,
Those mourns the sighing gale
In Yokohama's Bay
There's the sting! We don't mind the two last verses growing
abusive after this style:-
Perfidious Albion, thou I
How oft upon thy brow,
Since Columbia's natal day,
Thou'st worn the branded name!
And now again the shame
Of Yokohama's Bay.
Ne! The thing we regret is that in those two arithmetical stanzas,
the untoward accident has called to life in America the particular Muse,
who was so precise about her One hundred thousand welcomes, and
then one thousand more." The penitence of those circumnavigators
who found they had carried measles, small-pox, and drunkenness to
decimate the peoples of the new and beautiful countries they had dis-
covered,is nothing to our regret that by any act of an Englishman there
should be inflicted on America (already suffering from Walt-Whit-
manism) the stupendous misery of the Tupperian muse! Turning
sadly from the perusal of "Yokahama's Bray "-(beg pardon, mis-
print for Bay ")-wo ask, with sore hearts, pardon for the evil that
has been so unwittingly inflicted on a country that boasts an Atlantic
Monthly, an Overland Mail, and a San Francisco Newsletter !
A SPORTING contemporary says :-
An infallible French way of catching rabbits without firearms or traps is to drop
a crayfish into the burrow, then place a bag at the mouth. In course of time the
crayfish penetrates to the rabbit and seizes him. The rabbit, to get rid of the
crayfish, bolts out and runs into tkhe bag. "This method," the author ingeniously
adds"' requires some patience, as the crayfish travels very slowly, but patience will
be crowned with success."
The writer has forgotten to describe how the needful crustacean is
acquired; for one does not require a magnifying GLASSE to teach us to
"first catch our crayfish." The crayfish, it is well-known, has a great
appreciation of music and a decided addiction to spirits: acting on the
knowledge of this weakness the patient Frenchman haunts the bank
of streams were crayfish are found and whistles the Marseillaise. In
the course of a few years he entices a crayfish on shore by his music, in
which by that time he is a proficient. He then induces it to follow
him to a spot where he has laid some periwinkles (the usual food of
the crayfish) which have been steeped in brandy for several months.
The incautious crustacean partakes of this viand and speedily becoming
intoxicated falls a prey to the hunter. After that of course the
catching of rabbits is a trifle. Another way of taking the rabbit-
catching crayfish is with a pinch of salt. We confess we prefer this
In a Hurry.
THIS seems premature :-
All the members of the French diplomatic and official world who were decorated
with Prussian orders during King William's visit to the Paris exposition of 1167
have returned them to his majesty.
To judge from the march of events recently, these worthy Parisians
I might as well have waited till his Majesty fetched them.
FAT-vOUS.-It is a fact, not easily accounted for, that at parties-
after supper-the .guests begin to grow thin.
A LETTER or ADVICE.
MY son, when your father is laid in the ground,
Having reached to his life's modest spau;
I fancy it's likely you'll have to look round,
And make your own way as a man.
Well, I have some experience-bought at a price-
And so now, ore my journeying ends,
Let me i youve young fellow, a little advice,
On the best way of treating your friends.
Let the friends of your youth have the first of your thoughts,
Since for Friendship no price is too dear.
Yet let not "Number One" with a following- noughts -
As your offer for Friendship appear.
Ah, no banish self, and abjure Number One;
Your friends' interest all else transcends.
So devote your whole life to them freely, my son!
'Tis the right way of treating your friends.
Let them share in your triumphs, whatever they be,
In your gains like a generous soul.
And if giving them half will not do, why, you see,
You can easily yield them the whole.
For a treasure like Friendship, that purest of gold,
He's a niggard who'd grudge what he spends,
You'll remember, my son, when I'm gone what I told,
Of the true way of treating your friends.
Your own pleasure be ever the last thing to seek:
For their pleasure let all things be done.
You may live on dry bread six days out of the week,
So you feast them with turtle on one.
Cold water's a drink inexpensive and plain-
'Tis not nice, but it will, as amends,
Let you save up your money to purchase champagne -
That's the right stuff for treating your friends.
And so, as time flies, and your friends are grown rich,
And are man of the world well-to-do,
If you're sick, or your luck's on the wane, my boy (which
Are things that may happen to yeu).
Go to strangers for help, which perchance you may find;
'Tis experience this course recommends,
Why, when you've sucked your orange, you throw down the rind -
Won't youth grant the same right to your friends ?
Own the value of Friendship, then-e'en if you owe
To a friend's hand a stab in the back-
If that back weren't familiar, pray, how aould he know
That 'tis you he's about to attack ?
I have always thought CAlsAt a regular muff,
For that speech which his history ends,
"Et tu, Brute indeed The remark is mere stuff!
What else did he expect from his friends ?
1,%iroas to 0 H1Iipat oI(
[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are aacom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold oursaevee
E. J. C.-We could not priat the verses-still less the name, which you
seem to think more important.
W. G. G. (Bridge-street).-Served you right. We are, though smokers,
determined not to give a whiff, much less a puff to the ani i-tobacco people
S. H. W.-" Stream does not rhyme with "green," nor drum with
" won." Such objections are fatal.
P. R.-You're not the first (by a hundred) to suggest a cartoon of King
William and the Emperor fighting a prize-fight.
E. D. (Twickenham).-You can get a sight of FUN anywhere -for a
G. (Portsmouth).-Plummers,-we beg pardon, Plumbers should slick
to their lead, and leave literature alone.
L. E. (Walpole-street).-Your "Tramp, tramp, tramp" won't suil us.
Is it not odd that while dozens of you can write "poems" for those whie
march to battle, no one writes of those wio stump up ?
Declined with thanks:-H. T. B.; Iniquity; Totem; G. A Camber-
well-park; A. B., Brierley Hill; J. C. H., Brixton; Amaurosis; E. Y.,
Hyde-park-square: Zoo; G,. H., Westbourno Terrace; E. L., Liverpool;
Wednesday; W. E. A., Kingsland; D. S., Leeds; A. P., Ipswiclh:
Toodles; R. S Retford; P., BRathbone Place; Tutisseimus; Sad AtlCem4l,
Poplar; Ahno; Ooz; B. B, Glasgow: D. WV. ; H.,Willesden; S.R. G.,
St. Ives: W. M ; "Divorce Courts;" P. B, Fore-street; S. 1,
Manchester; E. R ; H. B. C.; Muss; Gang; G. A. H Bristol; C. A.,
Dorking; R. A., Southport; C. B., Adelphi.
AUGUST 27, 1870.]
FOR THE FOLLOWING REASON.
Teacher:-" POLLY, WHY ISN'T YOUR YOUNGER SISTER HERE THIS AFTERNOON ?
-Polly :-" OH, PLEASR'M, HUE'S GOT A FOLLEHER AND BAIN'T COMIN' ANY MORE!
CHATS ON THE MAGS We learn from Cook's Excursionist the welcome news that the war
CHAT ON TH does not interfere with trips to Switzerland or Holland.
AUGUST. We have also received Once a Week, Food ournal,Le Follet, Young
In the Sunday Magazine the Episodesim an Obscure Life continue Lady's Journal, Gardener's Magazine, Young Gentleman's Journal,
to be the gem of the periodical. Everybody ought to read these Westminster Papers, Carlow College Magazine, Best of Everything.
unexaggerated pictures of poor life. M. SMILES'S memoir of The
Gallant Good Riou is a paper not to be missed. The illustrations are
good, as usual. Stop Thief !
ooi Words has a sensible paper on Woman's rights, by MRS. DE AN- American paper informs us that:-
MORGAN. Of the illustrations that to JEAN INGELOW'S lines pleases A Georgian editor has had his pitol stolen. He advertises to give the thief the
us most. contents, and no questions asked, if he will return it.
Good ordfor the Ysun maintains its position as the best of the Good thing for the thief that! If the editor had lost, not his pistol,
AUG minpsT.s but heaad, and then mad te esame promise, -we doubt whether it
Thn te SunntyP Magazhne theve re life "oirue maght notrnave been "playing it rather low down on" the thief.
tbee thse ge f i thes eric. o enryd s yy up to rea There mign t have been no reward at a! o Not even lead .
art is a credit to everybody concerned with it. The admirable
specimens of photo-printing in permanent inks will constitute a Fizz! Pop! Bang!
portfolio of infmite value; while the high merit of the literary matter AN examination into the composition of champagne can hardly be
will recommend it to all who are interested in art-matters described as a fizz-iological inquiry.
The Gardener's Magazine is excellent. s" S. H." is spiritedly dout wehrnit
seconded by MR. PRIOR, whose papers are all eminently readable and VERY SMALL BEER.-H o to wet a "Straw Piped-With faille
THE STANDARD, 17th March, 1870, in e a no'ice f Mr. Streeter's MORNING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870:-"It has claims on all
Catalogue, says:--" The practical information furnished is very in- persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
terestmg, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this stations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
useful little work." additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
COURT JOURNAL, 19th March, 1870 : -"Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold- beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
mienth and jeweler, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound ment can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attractive "
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery." PUBLIC OPINION, 16th April, 1870:-" The beautiful designs of the
UNITED SERVICE GAZETTE, 9th April, 1870:-n r. Streeter, like his various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
great predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvlnuto Cellini, combines information the volume contains, these designs, together with the ex-
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious cellence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat." value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."
Printed by JUDD & Co hamnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, E C.-London: Aug. 27, 1870.
SEPTEMR R 3, 1870.] F JN 8 J
HE DIDN'T MEAN IT I
Boatman, about to take Charles and his Laura out for a sail:-" Ax YER PARD'N, SIR, BUT THE YOUNG LADY'S little tOe forward- WB
CAN'T PUSH OFF!"
THE VOICES OF THE OCEAN.
OH, well may poets sing the voice-
The great voice of the sea ;
When the bounding billows all rejoice,
And the wind is blowing free.
That mighty voice is in mine ear-
Its well-known words I trace ;
I know its meaning when I hear;
( Vendor without.)
"Fine s'rimps! Fresh soles and plaice! "
I wander by the yeasty main,
I tread the yellow sand.
I hear the ocean's voice again-
Its message understand!
I've known it since my childhood's day;
It whispers in the gale -
"Your honour goin' out to-day F-
Fine weather for a sail!"
A RAILWAY stoker, when charged the other day with cutting his
wife's head open, said in his defence that when he found her tongue
was not to be stopped from running on the rail" in any other way,
he applied the break to her head!
A RECRUIT after his first few battles is sure to get out of his element.
Why ? Because he gets beyond his (s)phere!
IRRITABILITY and cowardice are very similar. The man, who would
run away from a black-man, is apt to fly off at a tan-gent!
GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, who has always mistaken notoriety for
fame, is on the rampage at San Francisco, where he has been interview-
ed by a Chronicle reporter:-
Interviewer-Well, but what assurance have you, Mr. Train, that you will
Mr. Train-Feel it in me, sir I Feel it in me [striking his breast]. I tell you just
as I told you when I was here before, that I have the power to be a leader. I am a
leader, and all the newspapers in Christendom calling me mountebank, charlatan,
humbug, crazy, etc., etc., can't make me less a leader.
TRAIN is right-all the newspapers in ChristencLm calling him
mountebank, humbug, and crazy, will not make him less a leader. But
they will indicate the kind of things he leads; as for instance if you see
a certain white bird waddling at the head of an Indian file of feathered
creatures, and you call him a gander, it just explains that he is a
leader of geese. That's all.
Chirrup for Chat-'em.
FEMALES are employed in the rope-making department at Chatham
Dockyard. At the first blush this appears to be scarcely a suitable
sphere of labour for the weaker sex, but, we reflect, what capital hands
they must be at "spinning a yarn Of course they sing over their
work-In the Strand! In the Strand!
THE Continental War has caused a revival in the Yeovil Glove
Trade, We wish we could add that the gloves in process of manufac-
ture were boxing-glovps for the use of the contending armies-in
that case we would heartily wish "more powder both to French and
The Right Number.
A YOUNG man having insulted an old gentleman, sent his father to
apologise for him. The parent called the act asinine. The aggrieved
party said he considered it as-in-ten-tional.
VOL. XII. I
FUN. CSEPTEMuER 3, 1570.
.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, August 31st, 1870.
FlORTUNATE English Statesmen who can really take a holiday,
fI and be off to Scotland, the Lakes, or even the Continent; while
their less lucky brethren on the Continent have to keep constantly
on the alert! We hear of the Premier and LonD GRANVILLE at
Walmer, where no doubt they are enjoying the brisk briny breezes
which Englishmen love.
We doubt not that the Chancellor of the Exchequer and other
members of the Ministry, not to name the Opposition, have visited the
Prime Minister; and it is just possible that the eyes of the favoured
Walmerites have been blest by some such spectacle as that depicted in
our cartoon. Statesmen may well dismount from their hobbies in the
vacation, and mount steeds, humbler in name but not less eccentric in
pace perhaps, than their usual animals of the session.
Here is wishing our statesmen a pleasant holiday On the Sands !"
A cnraors coincidence this:-
.irs. Shaw, wife of Captain Shaw, chief officer of the Metropolitan Fire Brigade,
hr six children, and two servants, had a very narrow escape from being burnt to
death on Wednesday week. For some weeks they had been residing at Villers-sur-
M!er, near Trouville. Shortly after midnight the house was discovered to be on fire.
The residents were awakened with difficulty, and it was some time before they
could be rescued.
There is we trust no undue freedom in reminding Mss SHAw-while
we congratulate the gallant Captain on the safety of his family-that
" the shoemaker's wife is invariably the worst shod."
Geing too Close.
PoPxiNs was threatened by Mo iPxs, his neighbour, with an action
for libel, in that he, POPKINs, had spoken of the said MorPKxs in
depreciatory terms, to wit that he had no wits, or, in the vulgar, was a
fool. Thereupon POPKINs defied the said MorINms to do so. Because
why :-he Pori'sIs alleged that he was speaking only of himself and
that he had a perfect right under Magna Charta to describe himself
as being "next door to a fool." Verdict for the defendant.
A CORRESPONDENT of the Standard-we imagine, from the phrase to
which we are about to refer, an Irishman-pays the French uninten-
tionally a very backhanded compliment:-
Verily the enemy hs-a not yet reached Paris. As the Saverne peasant said to the
Prussian who joked him, There is mary a tall hill to get up, and many a tall
soldier to get down before he gets there." There is backbone to the fore.
" DackLone to the fore seems rather like the attitude of retreat!
A Legal Definition.
AN Irish gentleman of the bricklaying persuasion being a witness
in an assai It case, said that one of the two men who were fighting
could prove an alibi. When pressed to explain, he said he had an
ali-bi for I e lived down the next court.
A Good Derivation.
"I say, Bill, why's that 'ere slantingdicular tower called the tower
of Piser ? "
After the builder, who must have been a werry clever P'iser to
p'ise it like that! "
Fair is Foul.
IT is a poultry action to duck at the first shot, for it proves you
The Appro-pink of Propriety.
You can't call a miser a good neighbour, no matter how near he is.
WHY is stng-hunting a contradictory sport? Because the hunt
always goes hind foremost.
WnHY is a big feed on shipboard in a gale like a narrow and stony
ravine ? Because it's a rocky gorge.
AN INSULT T TTHE BRIsTBEH FLAG.-Steneilling advertisements on
HE Trout and Salmon
Once played back-
7 As from the poet's well-
known lines is
And the trout he
S '. The salmon steaks:
iSo how to cook them I
IIwill tell you here.
S Across completely
You cut him neatly
> In inch-thick slices,
~ there or there-
And each slice to
And well! you ply
A nice clean napkin-
0 not a greasy clout.
If they're for frying,
S, r Your flour applying,
'" r A .' < r, l, i The dusting even with a
But if meant to grill,
You'll o'er them spill
Some salt and pepper (be they sparely shed).
In this case, take tongs
(Of course the steak-tongs)
To turn them deftly with no undue haste,
That to t'other side
May be applied
Of salt and pepper just a seasoning taste.
In buttered paper
They're broiled. With caper,
Or else anchovy, sauce you serve them should;
And if those who eat
Don't say the treat
Is past all praising, they don't know what's good.
Not Often !
Ties is a puzzle for Teetotallers:-
The Liverpool coroner held an inquest the other day touching the death of Patrick
Riley, aged fifty years. Deceased, who earned a livelihood as a fiddler at public-
house entertainments, was excessively addicted to intemperance, rarely being a
According to this showing it was rather hard to set him down as a
confirmed drunkard. If he was only sober so rarely, at any rate he
did not get drunk often!
Boor-trees should be cultivated in the same way as the sumach.
Snails are partial to pumpkins. Always therefore treat them to a
Grafting requires care: a graft is a thing every gardener naturally
keeps his sci-on.
Now prune your French plums.
All Up !
A CORRESPONDENT wants to know when and how climbing boys were
put down, and the ramoneur was introduced. We don't remember
the date, but it was an Act of Parliament that made a clean sweep !
To a T.
IF you ask a fellow to breakfast and he doesn't turn up, unless
you're an Irishman you should not describe him as an absent-tea.
WE have often seen a devouring fire; but we didn't believe anybody
ever saw a hob gobblin'.
WHEN is whist like a cucumber ?... When you prepare it with HoYLE
and win, eager.
(SFPTPNLBFR 3. 1870.
F 1 IN -SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.
ON THE SANDS.
STATESMANSHIP BY THE SEASIDE.
*7'/ '' "-.
F .r .r -S"P'aE 80
SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.]
it and judge for themselves. The portraits of Derby celebrities would
J. u ** u .alone be recompense for a journey from London.
BY Ora SPECIAL SIGHTSHEE. Once'more back at the Derby Station I, using my private signal, was
soon on my way to Uttoxeter-(better known as Utcheter)-where
No. VI. another break occurred, and after a lapse of ten minutes I was on
ONE morning bright, with spirits light, and leather-bag in hand, I another and a slower line making the best of my way to Stafford,
took my flight from MRS. WHITE, and all her harpy band. With her where I found a refreshment room-and availed myself of it. After
I'd lived, on me she'd thrived, till more I could not stand; so I paid an hour divided between feeding and the contemplation of some tall
my bill (much against my will), and regardless of her bland, in- chimneys, I took a train to Shrewsbury, and on my arrival began
sinuating writhe and whine, and hope I would come oft and dine, did to awake to the consciousness that the shades of night were fast fallen,
wish her where old CALorrT's line would round about her scrag en- that my exchequer was low-a bent threepenny piece and a bad half-
twine, or his whip her shoulders brand. penny, two broken cigars and a half-ounce of birdseye were all the
For of lodging-keepers she's the worst that ever quenched her exchangeable commodities I possessed- and that food and shelter were
burning thirst with her poor tenant's wine, which latter in the present most desirable. What should I do ? The porters were barring the
case was good as could one's heart embrace, or was ever brought (by gates and turning off the lights, for the last train had passed, and bleak
guile or grace) from the blue Moselle or Rhine. desolation stared me in the face. Suddenly I saw a stalwart figure
So readers dear, if you should hear about me any tale that's queer, cross the courtyard in front of the station, and hope sprang anew
touching my late-left lodging, believe it not, but give the lie to who- within my human breast. That form ; that sweeping stride, which
soever says that I was up to paltry dodging. told of six fair miles an hour and no mixing; that swing of the heavy
[The foregoing is but another proof of the pains of greatness, for walking-stick; those whiskers, springing in dense masses from the
had I been an obscure and nameless individual, I should not have had very forehead and clustering to the chest; that jolly, honest manly
to publish a refutation of the slanders of MRS. WHITE, a lodging- face!-in short, that combination of all that is true, straightforward,
house-keeper in the neighbourhood of Gray's Inn-road, in whose and gentlemanly--yes,'tis he-and I am saved!
establishment the bug battens till he bursts (adding insult to injury) Perhaps you think the foregoing sentence is all bosh, but truer
upon the fated fleshy one, and where a wonderful cat is established, sentiment never flowed from the pen of a sightseer. Most unexpectedly
whose astonishing reputation in the way of gluttony and gormandising I encountered that prince of good fellows the Postmaster of
is only equalled by its wistful and wobegone appearance.] Shrewsbury, and was soon ensconced m his easy chair, sipping the
bridge at midnigh u in the e y grog of friendship and smoking the cigar of preservation and of peace.
I stood-not upon a bridge at midnight-but in the early morn, might, had I time and space, speak of the happy days I spent in
upon a marvellous platform covering the ground upon which once, good company, of the visit we paid to the old battlefield and its
and that but lately, were to be found two towns containing a joint memorial church, of the stories we told and the songs we sang,-and
population of half a million, and watched with interest the lumbering perhaps I will some other day; but for the present I must not forget
and laden luggage, the swift express, the morning mail, the light fly- that a stem and savage editor is waiting for my copy, which is to be
away, and the numerous other trains which continually arrived at or confined to the operations of Monday only.
departed from the mammoth building. Like the fabled donkey of
haystack memory, I stood bewildered by the vast choice offered me,
and wished I were a bird that I might go in two or three trains to
two or three different places at once. But chance, fortune, providence SLOWLY BUT SURELY.
-call it what you will-came to my aid, and so far as it was possible,
gratified my wishes. EYEs where a smile very rarely or never 18,
While cogitating as to how the largest amount of journeying could Always to earth in the deepest of reveries
be obtained for the smallest possible outlay, a hand was placed upon Cast so demurely;
my shoulder. I turned rapidly, and before me stood, not a policeman- Speaking as little of love as of merriment,
why I should have thought of the force I can't make out-but a Still you can wound, and you tried the experiment,
famous traveller, who has converted the turmoil and terror of travel, Slowly but surely.
which formerly had so deterrent an effect upon many, into a pleasant Where there are wounds there are often recoveries.
path trod by grateful thousands; a man who could call a special train Did you not count how enduring a lover is,
from the vasty deep siding where such things hide when at rest-and Did yo Quite prematurely P
what is more, would be sure to find it answer his summons; a man who Say to your owner, blue eyes, without fretting her-
covers from thirty-five to forty-thousand miles per annum: a man He who adores her may end by forgetting her,
therefore in full possession of all the admiration and respect which Slowly but surely.
your commissioner has to spare. Judge then the pleasure with which
I grasped his brawny hand, and listened to his proposal to provide a
day's sightseeing for me. It is needless to say that no overburdening
notions of modesty compelled me to decline his offer, and that soon we Si Sic Omnes.
were at express speed leaving London to MRS. WHITE and her THIS is startling news:-
myrmidons. Mr. Serjeant Wheeler has decided that insanity is sickness, and that a friendly
To leave London behind is a pleasure not granted to everyone- society cannot rid itself of liability by maintaining the contrary.
which, by the way, is quite as well, or we might find grass growing in If the learned serjeant pronounces that chronic idiocy is also illness,
Fleet-street, mildew on the money at the Bank, St. Paul s would what a large increase the Registrar General will have to make in his
remain still unfinished, and, worse than all, the now perennial crowd returns of sickness
which gapes, grins, and guffaws round the window of No. 80 Fleet-
street would be missing. I therefore regarded myself as possessing The Art of War is Changed.
eyes for the crowd, and carefully noted everything, even to the fact
that the little boys who cheered the train were not so very much WE no longer look for Standard Bearers" in the thick of the fight,
different from the little boys of London. I made many voluminous we find them-hear this my pippins-in the kitchen garden.
notes in the course of my journey as to the manners and customs of
people who live out of London, and on the whole find them to have A Comment from Cockaigne.
very much the same feelings, when all things are taken into considera-
tion, as are exhibited by those possessed of the inestimable blessing of WE note with surprise that one French department has not been
residing in the centre of civilisation. I noticed that the grass land, so declared in a state of siege; need we say that we refer to the depart-
far from being green as grass, was bare and brown, and now and then ment of the Var ?
we came uponlargepatches whichbore evidence of recent conflagration,
whether the result of art or nature I could not tell, and my queries had A Dead Certainty.
been alreadyso frequent that I did not like to further annoy my guide, THE Registrar General's Reports on the Bills of Mortality are of
who was now busy making out a plan for my future progress (he was course published in demies."
going no further than Derby). Placing the magic paper in my hands
shortly before his departure, he entrusted me with a shibboleth Old Saws with New Handles.
possessed of potency over porters and guards, and after an affectionate
farewell I went on from Derby to Matlock alone. At this place, "NONE but the brave"-dispute the fare!
known in its locality as the Switzerland of England, I stayed an hour While the grass grows "-mowing-machine-makers may expect a
or so, and should much have liked to remain longer, but duty called, harvest.
the train was ready, and in a short time the Midland Exhibition opened
its doors to receive me. I need not here describe the wonders of this To PHILANTHROPIETS.-Who will be first to set afloat an Institution
place, but must warmly recommend all with an hour to spare to visit for the reclamation of "abandoned" vessels ?
92 FUN T SEPTEMBERB 3, 1870.
FIREWORKS AT THE PALACE.
Or the various measures
Of raptures and pleasures
Produced by the treasures
At Sydeinham arrayed,
There's none so delightful-
That brings such a night-ful
(With crowdings quite frightful)
As fireworks displayed.
O'er the grounds, looking parkish,
The night gathers darkish :
The people grow larkish,
And chaff, laugh, and spoon.
The stars their lamps hang-up,
And-what's that which sprang up,
And goes with a bangup?
Oh, that's a maroon.
At which sign of beginning,
Up others go spinning,
Till, constant the dinning
Of bursting shells grows:
Then, best of surprises,
When no one surmises,
The first rocket rises,
'Mid chorusing Oh's! "
Then white as the moon's light,
Magnesium balloons light
The place as with noon's light,
So brilliant and clear.
Away they go sailing,
With long smoke-wreaths trailing,
Till- suddenly failing-
Their sparks disappear.
Next come the grand set-pieces-
They are the pet pieces,
Seldom you'get pieces,
Gorgeous as they,
With designs or initials
Of famous officials-
All swells in their way I
Now of stars a host airy,
With colours that vary
From blue to canary,
Goes sailing along;
Or the Gold Rain descending
In torrent unending,
Wins loudest commending
Of all from the throng.
Lo! the fountains 'gin playing:
Their tall spires of spraying
Port-fires are arraying,
In crimson or green.
Roman-candles then light-up-
Throw balls very bright up;
Last, closing the sight up-
The best we have seen-
With a rushing and roaring,
In a huge fan outpouring,
A great blaze goes soaring
And bursts overhead.
'Tis the bouquet of rockets!
Now, look to your pockets,
Pin, watches, and lockets,-
So home and to bed!
Victory in Miniature.
WE learn from a contemporary that:-
The painter Meissonnier has had an interview with the Emperor at Metz. He is
to i receive 100,000 francs (4,000) to illustrate the victories achieved by the French
during the campaign.
Meissonnier's style may be designated as a sort of miniature painting.
But as yet there has been no victory which he could record even on
SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.] F U N 93
A sEASIDE TRAGEDY.
AUGUSTUS had arrived by the afternoon train. He loved not the
"Husbands' Boat," partially it may be on the ground that he was not
a husband, but partially it may be on the water that he wasn't a good
He was not as yet a husband, but his troth was plighted to his
adored ANGELINA. Her hair was golden. Her pa was a large butter-
man. He had bestowed on AUGUSTUS his daughter's hand, with half
Dorset, and a good deal of Glo'ster. Not the counties, of course, but
the butter and cheese for which they are respectively famed. In a
word half the business.
AUGusTus had arrived by the afternoon train, and had encountered
his friend CHARLES. He had spoken frequently to his friend CHARLES
of the delights of the seaside, and how fond he was of boating.
It was a little indiscreet, for boating didn't agree with him. Never-
theless, to keep up appearances as they strolled along the pier, the
hapless AUGUSTUs discoursed of the craft lying in the harbour.
ANGELINA had a sweet, playful disposition. She delighted in play-
ing off pretty, pleasant little surprises on her 'GuSTus, as she un-
affectedly styled him.
She knew he had come by the train, and that in all probability he
would seek her on the pier. So she determined to disappear. She hid
herself until he had passed. Then she stole quietly behind him, in-
tending to amuse herself by watching his vain search for her, and his
rapture when on turning he beheld her beside him.
He leant over the pier conversing with CHARLES. Ie wasn't in a
hurry to look for her, it would appear. She was slightly incensed at
his neglect. But she nevertheless determined to surprise him. She
crept up unnoticed by either of the friends and was just about to an-
nounce her arrival, when her attention was attracted by something
which AUGUsTUs said.
She started-turned pale-turned red-staggered away, and then
suddenly recovering herself, she rushed away to her lodgings, packed
up everything, and insisted on her pa taking her back to town at
PAPA he has been deceiving me He loves another! As I stole
up to him unperceived, I overheard him say to his friend, There's
that darling little Mum-mum-Mary! "' and the unhappy girl burst
into a flood of tears.
Poor AUGUSTUs was merely romancing about a pleasure-boat, called
"The Mary." But it cost him his ANGELINA and half of the cheese
She married an Oil and Italian Warehouse. He died an old
bachelor, and the inventor and patentee of the Antipitchorollicum
pill, an infallible preventive of sea-sickness.
Let their fate be a warning to the young, the heedless, and the
imaginative. Maidens, don't steal unperceived on your lovers, and
listen to their small talk. Youths, don't pretend to be sailors when
you are but land-lubbers.
Double or Quoits.
Tics is not quoit fair to the girl:-
There is said to be a man in Providence who has a handsome daughter, and who
whenever a lover applies for the girl's hand insists on his pitching a game of quoits
with him, and if he (the lover) beats, he shall have a chance to court the girl. Up
to this time, the old man has beat every comer.
We are afraid the old gentleman is so desirous of winning that he
won't give his daughter a chance of a match. At any rate if any one
does beat the governor he will win a game bride.
A Nonsensical Rhyme.
Dedicated to the Poet who couldn't find a rhyme for Sydenham.
THERE was a young Hebrew at Sydenham
Betrayed into eating forbidden ham,
For some wretch in the guise
Of cold chicken-pies
Had-most unjustifiably-hidden ham !
Dearly Paid For.
TRAGEDY often treads closely on the heels of Comedy:-the bullet,
speeding on its deadly mission, whistles.
THE SEAT OF WAR.-La chair A canon.
BY THE GLAD SEA-WAVES.
By the glad sea-waves
A holiday, I own,
Is a thing one craves
Before the summer's flown.
Yet I feel there are facts
Which (veracity exacts
The admission, though it's painful, and it cannot be denied),
Do certainly destroy
What you wanted to enjoy-
The comfort, rest, and quiet of a stay at the sea-side !
Oh, the awful rent
One has to pay this year!
Oh, the money spent-
Provisions are so dear!
And the landladies stern
With an ardour seem to burn
(Since the fates for once allow them o'er your fortunes to preside),
To make every one repent
The day on which he went
To enjoy the placid pleasure of a stay at the seaside 1
Oh, this wicked war !
How cruel 'tis, I say,
That the guiltless for
The wicked thus must pay.
I ought not to spend a rap
For KING WILLIAM or for NAP,
Just because they choose to dabble in the battle's gory tide
For I'm fleeced, and at least
Twice the cost it is increased
Of the humble little pleasures of my stay at the seaside.
Not so Very Strange.
THERE is nothing very remarkable about this:-
On Sunday, in Fort-street, Douglas, Isle of Man, the wife of Thomas Murphey
gave birth to three children. The father of the children is a diver, employed at the
new landing pier.
Naturally as the man was a diver he might be expected to become the
father of divers children.
The Game Laws.
You must not make game of a hare-brained man with a rabbit-
mouth, unless you have a shooting license.
A Whiskey Whim.
THE classic phrase for "a drop too much" is not exactly usque
(baugh) ad nauseam."
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
A DISCONSOLATE RATEPAYER.-YOU need not tire our patience if you
T. F. D. (Hampstead).-Your serious lines on "War" are so comic we
would print them if they were not so faulty in verification.
SALMON.-Moore did not write Anacreon-he hardly can be said to have
ESPECIALLY ON FUN."-Clever boy! Then there will be a vacancy
J. A. F. (Brighton).-Too late.
C. 0. A. (Queen's-square).-The lines are defective. Try again, for
there is promise in them.
MUDLARK.-A lark that won't take a rise out of us.
J. P. -All right! Our turn will come, and then!
SEASIDER.-Then stop on shore.
NEMO.-Declined with many thanks.
A SATELLITE should have put a stamp on his enclosed envelope.
Rus.- O rus, quando te ass-but never mind.
F. (Tewkesbury).-You are wiser than your friends.
Declined with thanks:-M. A. H., Peckham; "Notes and Queries;"
J. J.; Devonshire-road, Wandsworth; A. Y.; S. Z., Liverpool; Namby;
T., South Kensington; J. H. P., Langollen; W. B. M., Glasgow; B.,
Rotherfield-street; P. L., Islington; E. G.; W. L., Old Ford; Jessie;
H. D., Ramsgate; Bumpkin; S. C., Ancoats; Palaison; Wiggie; H. M.,
Dudley; Nancy; T., Pentonville; libby; The Cuss; T. W.; Nil Dospe-
randum; T. I. R., Margate; Scarlet Runner; F.M.; Beautiful Morning;
Nun; B., Dalston; R. S., Liverpool; M. M., Glasgow; Enormous;
Theatricus; Bellows; M.; K. N., Leeds; P. E.
THE CARTE BEFORE THE HORSE.
Photographer:-" How WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE TAKEN, MADAM ? "
Sitter :-" WELL, I THINK I SHOULD LOOK BEST IN A Vinegarette."
[But she only meant Vignette."
PROTECTION FOR SEA-GULLS.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
SIn,-You supported the measure for protecting sea-gulls. Very
right and proper, too. But why not extend its operation to the pro-
tection of two-legged sea-gulls ? Pooh I should say unfeathered
sea-gulls -human sea-gulls that have been plucked.
Thanks to the war, lodgings are exorbitantly dear, and landladies
anything but dear-tyrannical is a mild word for them. But that's
not all-the flies (not the insects though they're troublesome enough)
have doubled their fares. Not that that's what I want to complain of
-deuce a bit. No, sir, my grievance is that the builders run up the
houses at the seaside just as London builders do-and here have I
taken lodgings for a month, and find out my next neighbour is
addicted to sacred melody, and has a harmonium and no knowledge of
music. Talk about the moaning of the tide-but there! You will
only laugh. Suppose you come and stay a few days with me.*
Yours, &c., A SEA-GULL.
Thanks, no !-ED.
THE ExUNERa, 26th March, 1870:-" Catalogues, as a rule, are
about the least interesting combinations of tybography published,
except, of course, those having some special object in view MR.
STREETER, of Conduit-street, whose speciality is the manufacture of
jewellery by machinery, has, however, produced a little book, artisti-
cally printed, illustrated, and bound, containing some useful informa-
tion on such topics as the quality of the gold and the workmanship of
articles of jewellery, the manufacture of watches by machinery, &c.
The engravings are admirably executed, and the designs show great
[SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 182.
THE breeze is blowing lightly,
The waves are dancing brightly;
And scores of people dipping
Along the sands are tripping,
Or hand in hand are skipping
Among the waves, I wis,
But with manners free, that slightly
Create a shock to this!
1. When her chariot-wheels have slid
O'er the sleeper's heavy lid;
Visions full of strange surprise
Pass before his wondering eyes.
2. Two foes to deadly duel set
Sing a duet;
A dying dame before she falls
A solo squalls;
In fact it cannot get along
Without a song!
3. Its name is, says the definition,
Dependent upon its position.
It merits not the term's disgrace
Unless you find it out of place.
4. Here sturdy steeds have dragged the lumbering plough,
Or solemn steers with melancholy eyes.
Soon will the rising wheat be green, I trow,
To change to gold beneath the sultry skies.
5. According to the views
Of a SHAKESPERIAN fop,
On an internal bruise
This is the thing to pep.
6. Send for the doctor! This poor chap
Has on the head had such a rap,
That there's a big hole in his pate
Which must be mended and set straight.
7. Ten years ago I left the strand
Of my beloved native land ;
But round this heart of mine
Its memories still entwine!
BOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 180.-Napoleon Betreats :
Nectar, Alliance, Post, Oracular, Line, Enigma, On-
SBoLuTIONs o ACROSTIC No. 180, nZorIVXn 25th Aug.-None
The Pick of the Batch.
ALL honour to the journeyman baker who, in his leisure hours, has
constructed the 13-in. Newtonian Telescope, shown in the Workmen's
International Exhibition. Let us hope that in his researches he may
add materially to our knowledge of the formation of the moon's
Throwing Cold Water on it.
SEVERAL theatres in Paris have been obliged to close their doors
from the want of firemen, employed in the place of regular troops. In
this case CJESAR and PoMPEY appear to be very much alike-especially
A Dark Business.
"'SAY, SAMBO, why do um call dead men de-funct ?" Do' know-
'cept he was frightened to deff!"
WHY is a sickle like an aversion ? Because it goes against the grain.
THE COURT CIRCULAR, 19th March, 1870, says:-"MR. STREETER,
of Conduit-street, has just published a neat catalogue, with very elabo-
rate and artistic designs of diamond ornaments, jewellery, and watches
and clocks, made by machinery. By this process the most costly
articles of this class may be obtained at a much cheaper rate. The
book is a very useful one, and handsomely got up."
THE BROAD ARRow, 9th April, 1870 :-" MR. STREETER (everybody
knows MR. STREETER), has sent us a very pretty little book, quite a
'machine-made jewel' of a book; in fact, the type, illustrations,
binding, and tout ensemble of which are perfectly unique."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: September 8 1870.
SEPTEMBER 10, 1870.]
TIME'S getting on-it's nearly one,
I have not long to wait;
My weary work is almost done,
It's getting rather late.
A friend drops in-won't keep me long.
Come, stir your idle limbs-
A half-hour's respite can't be wrong,
So come and lunch at PinM's."
I reach the door-the printer's lad
Presents me with a note:
"Short half-a-col." It is too bad;
I thought enough I wrote !
"Sit down and wait till I come back,"
I'll soon knock off some whims
And fancies, when I've had a snack;
I go to lunch at Prmm's.
Those oysters-and that lobster, oh!
It makes my heart to grieve
That having gravely promised, so
That boy I should deceive !
My sorrow is so very deep,
A tear mine eye bedims;
It's strange how fast the minutes creep
When one's at lunch at Pi.M's.
"I really must leave, dear boy-
It is high time I went."
Such words I frequently employ-
Which, when employed, were meant.
"There's that half-column still for FUN "-
My brain, I fancy, swims,
And I shall never get it done,
For still I lunch at PliM's.
Boy waiting ? Half-a-column short!
Eh ? What ? Don't understand-
But mas'r printer-he's good sort-
His manners kind and bland-
Hope copy's not too indistine'-
(Champagne one's utterance trims)-
Somehow I wro' it-so I think,
While lunching-hic-at PIMM'S.
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES.
Farmer Bramble :-" AWFUL SCOURGE THIS WAR COiN IS SURE TO Go UP
AND I'VE SOLD ALL MINE A WEEK BEFORE IT BROKE OUT."
Farmer Thorn :-" OH! LET TIHE BEGGARLY MOUNSEEIS FIGHT IT OUT. CORN
IS SURE TO GO UP, BUT I'VE NEARLY ALL MINE ON HAND."
CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
THE Cornlill is a good number this month. A new novel opens
with strange interest, and Against Time is brought to a close with
spirit. L'Empire c'est la paix is telling.
Tinsley's is readable, as usual. A paper on Croquet is a very good
protest against sharp practices which have crept into the game of late.
There is also a good story, "'How I went to edit the Castletown
Belgravia is pleasantly varied, with essays, stories, and verse. Of
the last, the best is Ma. SAWYER'S "Thrones for Three," pretty and
fanciful. Ma. BADDELEY'S gull verses are but poor stuff. MR. SALA's
chatty essay ends too abruptly, but is amusing; and there is a startling
story by Miss BRannoN.
London Society contains a charming picture, "Among the Flowers,"
but seems to have fewer illustrations than usual. The letterpress is up
to the average. There's a pleasant bit of verse by MR. THORNBURY.
The writer of some lines called In the Autumn," favours us with
this elegance-" thou dreamt," and the author of "Punctual shows
his knowledge of French by this quaint rhyme:-
O'er that fair face, meant not pour nmoi,
There is his boat, the dear old boy !'
The Argosy surprises us with a really good illustration for the first
time in its career. JOHNNY LUDLOW continues his "his Tale of Sin"
cleverly, and MRas. BRODERIP contributes some touching verses.
There is an improvement in the art of Once a Week, in which a new
novel, by MuR. FBISWELL, opens with much promise.
Temple Bar is a fair average number.
The Wimbledon Annual, devoted to the interest of the Association is
very late in the field. Its contents are not remarkable for merit.
My Last Love is a re-issue in a new wrapper of the Christmas
number of the St. James's, and does not require a second notice,
BY AN ExcunsioNIST.
WE'RE off to Margate for a dip-
I mean my wife and me-
On board the G. S. N. C.'s ship,
Magician of the Sea."
And all the little ones are here,
Rejoicing by our side;
Our yearly treat they share and cheer,
And revel in the tide.
Let others sneer, they little know
That we can scarce afford
To go at all, and ere we go,
How close we live and hoard !
But after all is said and done,
Why can't we have our spree,
As well as those who hate and shun
Our presence by the sea ?
Travellers tell Strange Tales.
The Daily News Correspondent at the seat of war describes the
Chasseurs d'Afrique as follows:-
Like Arab horseman they have a lot of loose irregular-looking things hanging
from their saddles on each side, such as corn with bags in them.
We are inclined to attribute this singular sight to A-frique of the
WHAT'S the difference between a ship and a barque? Why you
can tell a barque by its bowows.
TOL. XII. I
96 F U N [SEPTEMBER 10, 1870.
JFUN OFFICE, Wednesday, Sept. 7th, 1870.
EVERSE after reverse, disappointment upon disappointment,
have fallen to the lot of the French arms. The invader has
become the invaded; and the proud nation that talked of
marching at once into Berlin has to guard its own capital. As
the Prussian forces converged on the fatal city, the French armies,
scattered and dismembered, vainly endeavoured to fall back for
its defence. Before long the Prussians will be before the walls.
NAPOLEON has surrendered!
Of the two gladiators who have striven in the arena of Alsace, one
is down. His opponent stands with uplifted sword, and the eyes of
Europe are centred upon him. According to the old laws of the
amphitheatre it was for the spectators to decide whether the vanquished
was to die or not. If they turned their thumbs down his merciless foe
despatched him. There is no desire on the part of Europe to give
this signal. On the contrary, it would have the conquered spared.
But it is a question whether Prussia will obey the call for mercy.
A FISHY NOTION.
S HOULD I but be allowed
--- I would not ask for
I And I would rather be a
Than any other kind of
For like a fish I'd drink
t With thirst, that never
----. could diminish:
-a sSo should I swim in bliss
With lots of fins, yet
A,_. never finish.
Nor care nor grief
j should weight my
My gills no watery
u oyv tail-like most three
Y Should end with uni-
I'd dwell for ever mid the hush
Of submarine arcades of greenery;
Where mermaids fair will gladly brush
1My dorsal fins-and by machinery.
AN ART TOURNAMENT.
FANCY a tournament of painters! Imagine MR. NATHAN HUGHES
striking a telamonic attitude, and daring the combined detachments
of R.A., A.R.A., and R.H.A. to come on and try the fierce excitement
of a ten minutes' test of speed at covering canvas with colour! This
may seem very ridiculous, but the challenge has been put forth by
"the fastest painter of the world." "The great contest studio" is
prepared; and armed with his four time-tested paintings, which
strongly remind us of the outer drapery of a travelling show, Mn1. N
iH. calmly awaits the onset of his foes. Our representative on his-
return from the lists was so depressed as to be unable to furnish us
with anything beyond the following, written on the spot :-
If, NATHAN l o-UGES, I you abuse,
And say you are no master
Of the art divine, at which you'd shine,
But only dab and plaster-
You'll say at once that I'm a dunce,
Through studios but a drifter,
And taksog stand, paintpot in hand,
You 'll contest" all the swifter.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 183.
A CITY tow'ring o'er the fruitful plains,
The verdant vales and purple vineyard-slopes,
The centre of a nation's love and hopes,
At once the country's heart, and lungs, and brains:
Fair of the fairest, gayest of the gay,
How must thy sons lament the changes of to-day !
As sweeps the tide-long wave succeeding wave-
And swallows up the coast; the city's foes
Around her, line on line, begin to close-
Fierce will the contest be when warriors brave
Encounter-these to make their victory sure,
Those of their hearths and homes the freedom to secure !
1. What is the matter with LADY MAY
That alone in her boudoir the livelong day
She yawns and sighs ?
Well, her sorrows arise
Because SIR EnWARD is always away,
Preferring to roam
To a sociable dome,
Which provides him the comfort denied him at home!
2. Cheap to make, like a home-made cake,
Easy to offer, but hard to take;
Though often asked for, be't noted,
A thing that wins you but little thanks,
And fewer sixpences far than spanks,
Like the monkey's reward, oft-quoted.
3. HODGE went to a wild-beast-show at the fair,
And saw the elephant marching there:
He opened his eyes in amaze, and said he,
"Here's'a beast wi' his head where is tail is, see "
4. A classic term, which is, though short,
A word of a peculiar sort-
A thing of amphisbcenic breed; it
Matters not which way you read it.
Go, seek it in earth, sea, or air,
Where'er it is you'll find it there.
5. It round the bottle sent by DR. DosER is,
And frequently accompanies your groceries!
6. Whate'er the spectacle-a Lord Mayor's show,
A boat-race, or a prize-fight-pray you, know,
The people to be this who thither go.
7. Go down! the pilot cried, "go down!
This is no place for thee;
And I like not the look of those ledges brown
With the wind where it is, d'ye see! "
SOLUTION OF ACRosTIC No. 181.-Ftght, Peace: Fop, Ice, Gondola,
CORRECT SOLUTION OF ACROSTIc No. 181 RECEIVED AUGUST 31st.-Sid; Ethelbert
Crescent ; Upper Woburn Place Friends ; J. E. R. ; Sherfield ; M. Gibbs
Tommy Strike-a-light; Jomeer; Old Maid ; F. S. IM.; Receipt of Custom; Lindis;
Beckermouth Pet ; 0. Seth ; Fore Street Jack ; R. C. ; Double M.; R. W.; 15 st.
3 lbs. 12 oz; Murvie; Lottie; D. E. H.; BravoNed ; Johnny and Jack; Birdlime;
Dabehet; B. P. R.; L. L. B.; T. S. M.; Another Rusty Lock; lilburina;
Florabel; Charley and Ti ; Dawlish; Yerrip; Timothy and Co.; Mokeo Jumbo;
Duckling; Beatie Cookie; R. W. T.; Try Again; J. 0. P.; Vernie; Liverpool;
R. A. M.; C. E. R.; Lutterworth; Pimlico Tom Cat; Chummie; Town Sermon;
No Beauty; Merops; Nellie Blueskin; Slodger and Tiney; Pipekop: Rose
Cottage; Ruby's Ghost.
WE read that half-a-crown is in future to be charged for admission
to the Tower. In former times the desire even to possess a crown
obtained for those who indulged in it not only admission but lodging
there. Considering that the regalia is there, it is not an exorbitant
demand to ask half-a-crown for showing a whole one.
BREAD is, happily, far from being at war prices, yet thousands may
daily be seen-Food Journal note the fact!-devouring the news-
EVEN to to this rule there is an exception:-any man may keep-his
OVER A GLASS or GOOD SHERRY.-It's nutty and it's nice.
O, no! VWe are not an extensive and hilarious watering place,
like other gates our neighbours. We are known as Littlegates, a
quiet and unpretentious seaport, though of late years a little spoilt by
overbuilding and a greater influx of visitors. You see, there have
been no steps taken to meet the increase-our bathing machines are
few; their number (not to mention the decency of our bathing
arrangements) should be enlarged. It might also be an improvement if
our drainage and our bathing were not carried-on on the same spot, but
that's a question of long standing, and the visitors don't object. In
fact dancing in liquid sewage is not much nastier than many other
practices connected with our bathing.
At any rate we have splendid sands, and a nice little harbour with
capital craft in it-as well as good boatmen. Granted they do ship a
great deal of fermented cargo in these halcyon days when cash is
plenty, they're fine fellows, and ship a large amount of salt water in
winter on life-boat service; so don't be very hard on them. At any
rate their port is singularly free from accidents to pleasure-boats;
which speaks volumes.
You would not have known the little place the other day if you
had seen it while the Regatta was on. Such crowds of people-such
an unusual influx of loafers and beggars, generally conspicuous for
their absence. And so noisy I As its a great resort for children it
can hardly be described as a silent spot. Children nowadays seem to
exist only to worry their nurses to death by paddling in the sea up to
their knees and refusing to go home to tea-to tease their parents into
bribing them into promises (never realized) of good behaviour in
future-and to occupy rooms overhead in which they begin to caper
in thick boots at six in the morning. Still Littlegates is not as a rule
quite the Babel it was on Regatta day. Instead of a stray organ or
so, there were (in addition to the Regatta band- of Volunteers, in
which each separate performer Volunteered a separate key) a blind
woman and a violin-the awful German boys-a peripatetic band- and
a constant obligate of penny whistles. Noise ?-I believe you! It
was a sort of atmosphere of head-ache. But then the gorgeous attire
of our swells (male and female) made your eyes ache-and your sides
ache; so that it did not much matter.
As regards the Regatta itself it was as pretty a sight as you could
wish :-excellent sailing and plucky rowing over a long course, with a
fresh breeze and as rough a sea as you could wish. It was a bit too
rough at a neighboring gate," and did damage. There had not been
much training except for the tradesmen's race. The boatmen who go
out together in all sorts of weather don't want training like other
crews, and some of them seemed to have done the reverse of train:
for men who should have handled their boats smartly fumbled with
sheets and brails like land-lubbers, and then penitentially threw on
their sails the water they should have taken more of last night.
The best race was between two Coast-guard galleys-stoutly
contested to the end. One is apt to look on Coast-guardsmen as
longshore lubbers, but there are fine fellows among them. To be sure
discipline acts as training for them.
The fun of the day was a duck-hunt-a six-oared galley after a
single man in a "punt "-a sea-side punt that is; a boat little longer
than a washing tub, that turns in its own length with a touch of the
oar. His manoeuvres to outwit and worry the long boat were
intensely funny, and he was so skilful that the contest did not end as
usual in his boat being captured, and himself pursued through the
water. He rowed in safety to the Committee boat-a triumph
perhaps more gratifying to him than to the spectators.
A greasy pole, foot races and other so-called "rural" sports
followed; and all was concluded by a grand display of fireworks on
the pier. It was a good show for a small place, and the final bouquet
of fifty thousand rockets (barring the thousands) a la Crystal Palace
was most effective. After that a carouse, in which the boa'manic
contempt for training took a forcible if staggering form; and the
little "l Russ Corvette Inn on the pier bellowed till midnight with
Well, our regatta was a success. Regattas are things to encourage,
messieurs the visitors at a watering place, even though they do tend a
little to beer; for while they amuse you they put money in the
pockets of men whose lives are hard, and whose pleasure-boating
season is brief and uncertain, while their winter work is severe, ill-paid,
A Special Correspondent.
THE title of this paragraph is suggestive :-
BLOOD PICTUREs.-Dr. Day, of Geelong, Australia, the improver of the guaiacum-
tests for blood and other animal fluids, confirms the daEcovery of Neumann, tiiat
the picture or network formed by human blood can be distinguished under the
microscope from that which is formed by the blood of other animals.
A gentleman, so skilled, should be sent to the seat of war. A few real
"blood pictures" might be obtained there, which by their public
exhibition might do much in the interest of peace.
A MARINE STORE-Y.
MA. FERDINAND JONES
Was a dealer in bones-
In rags, nails, and other such oddities ;
And over his door,
Were the words "Marine store,"
To explain his peculiar commodities.
'Twas in Paradise Row,
Hard by Pimlico,
He established his humble emporium,
(For nothing allied
To a feeling of pride,
Ever entered our JoNEs's sensorium):
And he purchased threat
All dripping and fat,
Lead, nails, bones, old iron, and raggery;
As his window-panes told,
With their posters so bold,
And their pictures of exquisite waggery:
For example, a maid,
Like a rainbow arrayed,
With these words overhead as corollary,
I this finery gat,
By selling my fat
At JoNEs's world-famous Black Dollery! "
He was heard one fine day
To the missus to say,
"We have long been, my love, in the navy-line :
Which it mustn't be took
To mean tempting the cook,
To make grease of good stuff in the gravy-line:
But that long have we bore,
The words Marine store,"
As if we was Neptunes or Tritonses;
Yet we never have seen
The ocean, or been
To yourRamsgates or Margates or Brighton ses!"
She replied to her lord,
Then suppose that on board
Of some steam-boat to-morrow we ship ourselves,
And be off to the coast
Which folks visit the most,
Where we can (if we wish it) go dip ourselves! "
So they got under weigh
For Margate next day,
There the season to spend at the height of it.
But the day being rough,
They had more than enough
Of the sea-long before they caught sight of it.
For a good hour before
They got to the Nore,
The sailing so dire an upsetter was :
That as for poor JoNhs,
He was mere rags and bones-
And his better-half noi a bit butter was.
Returning to land,
They returned out of hand,
While remarking with irritability:
That "perhaps good enough's
The sea for the roughs-
It's not gentle enough for gentility! "
The words Marine Store"
Still garnish their door-
Where they vendors of rags still and "boneses" are,
And I've nought to say more,
Save that people on shore
Pretty often at sea like the JoNEsts are!
For a Yacht-Race.
HE is the best skipper who can lead all competitors a merry dance
over the waves.
THE IEST Coup L r TIE.iT E.-Filling th" house without paper.
An astute schoeiast o njectures that, as it is clear from the context the allusion
is to the dishonesty of orome dealers, this word should be Knavey-line."-E],
SEPrEMBER 10, 1870.]
[SEPTEMBER 10, 1870.
Aged Rustic (coolly, without rendering the least assistance to youth-who has come a tremendous cropper) :-" TELL YE WHAT, YOUNG MON,
THAT THERE 'OS 0' THINE 'LL BE THE DEATH 0' THEE SOME FINE DAY."
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Sm,-I see that PROFESSOR SYLVESTER, the famous mathematician,
has written a book, entitled The Laws of Verse, to prove that poetry is
as exact a science as mathematics, and that any fellow who has passed
the Pens Asinorum can write an epic, and that after all an algebraic
equation is very much the same thing as a sonnet. Hurrah! will be
the cry of our lads, who will naturally prefer taking their Euclid in
the form of Don Juan, while the children will promote "Dickery,
dickery dock over the multiplication table.
But no matter! I have turned my attention to the subject, and
although I have not seen the learned professor's work, I think I have
hit on the method. Here is my first poem:-
a + aX 3 V m-- = + x a + b -
Of course this equation has to be worked out, but I will not occupy
your valuable space by so doing, as it is a thing which any schoolboy
-especially if he knows mathematics remarkably well-will effect
Or, to put it geometrically instead of algebraically, let A B C be a
given line. From the centre B at the distance D E F describe a
circle, whose square shall be equal to the squares of A B, B C together
with twice the rectangle contained by B E, D F.
Anyhow, here is the poem:-
I never knew a wild koodoo
Tobacco-box, or kangaroo,
Or infantile umbrella
Could dance a jig
Like the learned pig,
Or even a Tarantella!
For why, I have never visited
The coasts of Willy-Nilly,
Or the cataract-head of Slugabed,
Or the billowy shores of Chill.
Nor sailed a spoon
To the crescent moon
With a cargo of picalilly I
So I tear my hair in blind despair,
And blister my eyes with peaches,
Fling sea-anemones everywhere
In anti-macassar trousers,*
And my soul I vex
With n + z,"
And mathematical speeches.
This, if not according to PROFESSOn SYLVESTER, at least according
to Euclid is mathematical verse, for it is composed of lines, having
length without breadth." Yours,
A NINNY TO THE POWER OF NINE.
WE always thought a helmet meant a defence for the head." We
learn from a letter in the Broad Arrow, that our troops in India wear-
wicker helmets. Now either this is a wickerd exposure of our brave
fellows to harm or else a helmet is a do. We trust a similar use of
the material does not supply our soldiers with basket-swords.
WE understand that the Farmer's Chronicle has recently stated that
"whisky kills insects." It is not a new discovery-a great many
vermin destroy themselves with it in London annually.
A FEAST or Music.-Drumsticks and Drumhead Lettuces.
There's some mistake here, owing to the difficulty of ascertaining the value of
the symbol -.-9
F U N,.-. SEPTEMBER 10, 1, 0.
THE UPLIFTED SWORD.
THE GLADIATORIAL "RULE OF THUMB."
SEPTEMBER 10, 1870.]
THADY DELANY ON THINGS IN PARTICULAR.
1 New York, U.S.
EAR SUR,-I yoosed to think that anny wan that come out
here was as happy all the rest of his days as an Oringeman
whin he heard a Papist cursin' the Pope; but isn'tt that it
done to poor THADY DELANY, for I feel myself just as if I had
to say me prayers out of a Prodistan Bible. I'd go back to-morrow if
I had the money, but, bedad, the little I had was almost spint over
here before I was out av the stame-boat. Talking of the stame-boat
reminds me av the pig. We wor in the Bowery for about a fortnite,
living' up in the top av a house that was so high it took you a couple
av minutes to see anny wan in the street, when I up and see to
BIDDY, I'll get a shanty av me own somewhere or another, if there
isn't room enuf in it to find yere way to yere mouth widout
knocking' yere elbow agin the mortarr" BIDDY jumped at the notion
like a trout at a daddy long legs on a summer evening an' so to make
a long story short, we bought a little shanty an a little bonnie
which I may tell ye, if ye don't study the langwidge av my anshint
ancisthurs in England, manes a little pig. We had hardly time to
get the smell of the Bowery out av our noses, an faith wasn'tt butter
cups that wus growing' in that nayborhood, whin in walks a
gallivanther that was so long and so thin that he might escape
through the chinks ava church door. "Good morning, says he; begor
I thought 'twas another agint-a distant relashun av HALL'S mother-
in-law-the curse av CROMWELL on that sthony-hearted desavur-an
I up an see as if I wus the Prisidint-that's the gentleman I may tell
ye that's the same over here as the Queen ovur wid you-" What do
ye want?" ses I, "the rint isn't jue yit." "I guess I don't want
anny rint," ses he, "I want to take yere sensis." Do ye," says I,
fur av coorse I thought he wus main' a hare av me, "is it a lunatick
asilum av yere own ye'll be afthur settin'up ?" "I want noan of
yere Irish divarshuns," sea he, "I'm an officer av the law." "Bedard,"
ss I, an 'tie a private av yere regiment that I wus acquainted wid in
Oireland "-av course I mint the bailiff-" an he didn't want anny rise
in the ranks to show his courage when he was dealing wid poor widows
and childhur. But," ses I, "if a poor ignorant man like myself
might give ye a bit av advice ye'd better show the heels av yore
boots for if ye don't," see I-for II thought he wus carrying' his jokin'
about a perch or two too far-" I'll be afthur upsetting' ye, ye altitudin-
ous monument av deciption,"-I thought I'd friten him wid what the
schoolmasther in Ballymurphy called the Scripture reader, whin he
asked him to have his dinner wid him on a Friday, and put a lump av
mate in what he called pay soup. Oh," see he, spakin through his
nose as if he had an influenzy av his own invintion, 'tis no offince
I mane-'tis only some particulars I want," se he, about the family ;
the Govermint wntts to know all about ye." "Particklars," see I,
isn'tnt particular ye are to come an ax a dasint man ye nivnr see
before for his senses, and as fur the Guvirmint" see I, "as a friend av
mine said befoar, I wus again the Gvirmin the Guvirmint at home and be the powers
i'll be agin the Guvirmint here." "Ye don't understand me," seea he,
isn'tnt yere sensis I want-'tis only the Guvirmint calls it that, whin
they want to know who ye are an how many ye have in family,
etcetera." "Well," see I, "if they mane to do anything for the
crathurs I don't mind tellin' ye all about BIDDY and the family, but as
for the etcetera," see I, "I nayther have wan nor did I ever see wan in
Oireland," an believing' I wus talking' like a counsillur, sea I, "nm I
thinking' it must be an American invintion." Begor he could hardly
keep from laughing an small blame to him, fur I found out aftherwards
that etcetera mint the things about the house like the tay-cups, an the
cocks and hins. "Thin," see he, getting' as plisant as if we knew wan
another for twinty years, whin yere names s is down in black and
white in these books "-pullin' out enuf av papers to cover an acre av
'round-" the Guvirmint will read 'em the same as if ye wor the
President's blood relashun." BIDDY didn't say anything till he said
fot, an thin see she, THADY agragal give the gentleman all the
informashun he wants, 'twill be the making' av the crathurs."
"What's your wife's furst name see he. BIDDY, av course," see I,
've must be an oinaudhaun if ye don't know that." "I don't mane
that," see he, I mane her name before she was married Oh faith,"
see I, "that's a matter of curiosity to meself, for the divil a name I
evur knew her to have before we wint to the priest except BIDDY till I
giv her permission to use the family appilashun av the DELANYS."
"How many in family have ye?" ses he. "Five," ses I. "What
are they," see he, "are they males or females? And, also,
how many of aitch?" "WVell," see I, "there's meself and PATSY,
that's males; and BIDDY and MOLLY, that's females; an as the pig is
only a bonnive, I dinno whether she is av the lady or gintleman
persuasion." Oh, be the powers I spoke to him like a geography.
'Oh," see he, "'tie takin' up me time ye are-the pig isn't wan av the
family; 'tie only an etcetera." Well," see I, "if ye called a poor
man's pig such an indasint name in Oireland I'm grately afraid 'tie
the ind av a blackthorn ye'd be after brakin wid the back av yere
mutton head." Myblood was up thin for he insulted the pig widout rime
or rayson. "Which is the eldest of the childher?" sea he. MOLLY,"
sesIl. How old is she ? seshe. Do ye recollect the time the widow
Mo LOWNY was driven out av house an home in Ballymurphy, bokase
she wouldn't pay ?"" -- Oh," ses he, stopping me short, "how could
I rumimber anything about the widow MoLowNY whin I wus nivur
nearer Oireland than three thousand miles away ?" "Well, then,"
see I, "ye must do widout the informashiu ye want for the Guvir-
mint." Well, thin," see he, getting' as mad as a bull in a pound,
"how old is PATSY ?" "Do you remember MICK MAGUIRE's wake ?"
see I, "whin the match was made between his brother DABY and
PEGGY O'SitE and the RvYxs and the DwYrRs had a fight about the bit
av land at the corner of the widow ROURKE's field?" Ye tarnation
Connaught man," see he, looking like a railway lamp, "give me
your name ?" "And if I give it to you," see I, jibin' him till I
thought he'd ate his quill pen, "what the divil will I do for wan
meself; but I'll give ye the loan av it for a quarter av an hour.
'Tis THADY DELANY, of Ballymurphy," see I; "an if yo want a
karacthur wid me, there's FATHER FITZGARALD that knows me since I
was the length av a traneen, and if ye want anny more to spake "-
"Oh, I don't want anny more," says he, "ye gave me enuf for a
month av Sundays; and away he wint wid his spectikles flyin' at the
back av his coat, just, as the song says, as if his eyes wor in his
At home they" crowbar" the house and likewise brake down the
But they nivur tried in the worst av times to take away our senses.
Yours most obadyently,
A BOAT SONG.
THE wind is brisk,
And the wavelets frisk,
And the hour may well avail,
So, my friend, avast,
Prythce step the mast,
For I wish to go for a sail."
The mariner heard
The landsman's word,
And he pushed the boat from shore,
And with heave and tug
He hoisted the lug,
That the fast little vessel bore.
Away and away,
Through the hissing spray
The tight little craft she flew,
And the landsman sat still,
And whistled shrill-
A thing that your landsmen do!
But that mariner bold,
He up and told
Our friend 'twas a habit bad-
"Ha' ver got a mind
For raisin' the wind ?"
And the landsman said h had !
And still they flew
O'er the waters blue,
And danced on the crests of foam,
But never a word
From the landsman inferred
His wish to steer back for home.
But the sailor began
In his inner-man
To feel a desire for his prog,
And "Master, shall we
Go about ? said he,
Said the other, "Sail on, you dog "
Said the sailor Belay !
For the whole long day,
I have borne you along in the craft;
And it's getting night,
And the land from sight
Is a-sinking far abaft !"
Quoth the man, with a wink,
"Then let it sink,
Could you spy the pier, you'd see
A man there sit-
And he has a writ
That he wishes to serve on me!"
102 F U N LSEPTrMBoER 10, 1870.
THE FLIGHT FROM PARIS.
(By oUR SPECIAL ARTIST.)
TEMPTED by your generous offers I tore myself from the landlady of
my lodgings, my creditors, and my native shore; and in company
with your special correspondent visited the gay capital. It's not my
fault that I have returned before the specified time. Still less is it my
fault that your correspondent has not returned. He was suspected of
Prussian sympathies, owing to a German silver pencil-case being found
on him. I got a message from him two days ago, saying he was in
custody, was likely to be hanged, and would I go and see him ? I
sent word to say I'd be hanged if I'd go-or possibly shot, on account
of my military appearance.
The next morning I received notice to quit Paris. It is an infring-
ment of the freedom of a Briton-it is an insult to our nation-it is
simply atrocious-and it is, ah, TROCHU'S. Pardon the pun-I didn't
mean to do it, but the suddenness of my dismissal has shaken my
nerves. I took some sketches, but in the hurry of departure from
London had left my sketch-book behind, so that I had to draw on my
imagination. It was lucky, for being small it escaped notice, so that I
avoided the fate of a poor fellow I saw taken to prison for sketching.
I'm afraid he'll get his (s)ketching done for him. Which reminds me,
if you want your correspondent you'd better telegraph or something or
other for his release. But I don't suppose he's of much use. Besides,
it would be a capital thing for the paper to have a fellow shot or
hanged by the French.
I came over with lots of English, turned out like myself. We all
agreed it was better after all to mizzle than be caught in a reign of
terror. The gay capital besides is not what it was. The Bois de
Bull-ong is full of cattle, the rues are ruefully empty. The bankers
won't change your notes for you, because they say the Prussians
threaten to invest their capital.
The fortifications are nearly completed-I ought to know, for I
tumbled into a moat. But I don't think that horse artillery is the
proper thing to defend ramparts with, though that's what they mean
to do at Paris, for an officer told me nearly all the guns were
I hope the Prussians will not shell the place. Assault would be
better than battery. Whatever they do, I must confess I am not sorry
I was turned out; for my humble lodgings in Bagnigge Wells are,
though a trifle stuffy, far more safe than the splendid apartments,
overlooking the Boulevards, which I took in order to do credit to ;
Excuse this hasty scrawl. Writing is not my ordinary occupation,
but as your correspondent is a prisoner, and I fancied if the article
did not accompany it you might omit my drawing, I thought I might
as well try my hand : so no more at present from your expelled artist,
By-and-by I mean to ramble,
O'er the sunny plains of France;
Through the Alpine passes scramble,
And at Venice take a glance.
Visit Rome-eternal city,
Then at Athens have a spy;
Penning notes both deep and witty,
Write my travels by-and-by.
By-and-by, you'll see, I'll startle
Critics with a five act play;
After that Apollo's art '11
Signify my ev'ry lay.
Fame shall crown me with her laurels,
Duller men may snarl or try :
I shall barely heed their quarrels,
In my greatness-by-and-by.
By-and-by, when I am married,
I shall buy a pretty cot;
On the tide of fortune carried,
Mine will be a happy lot.
Yet ofttimes a gloom has shaded,
All my day-dreams, and I sigh,
As the years have come and faded-
Leaving all till by-and-by !
M3ASONIc.-Tipping the sign to the uninitiated of course results
in a mason-derstanding.
SEPrraMMBa 10, 1870.] IF I NT 103
BY Ouci SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
RAPIDLY, fast, the time went past, and Monday came once more,
full loth was I to say good bye, and moving felt a bore. "But busi-
ness first whatever your thirst for pleasure may be, my boy," is a rule
I've made; so I'm ne'er delayed, though departure spoils the joy which
I ever feel when fortune's wheel to society good does turn; and
though I grieve to take my leave, I pretend that for home I yearn.
For it doesn't pay to let folks say, That fellow's an arrant sinner,
dissatisfied yet, with all that he's eat, he would stay for another
Not that a word would have here been heard had I chosen to stay a
year, and every day my attentions pay to the Postmaster's good cheer.
But I knew there was one, at the office of FUN, waiting my lines to
receive; and that if they didn't reach him, he would frown and say,
"I'll teach him thus to make a fierce editor grieve."
In pursuance of the directions I had received, I made my way from
Shrewsbury towards North Staffordshire, where I had appointed to
meet MR. J. M. COOK, the traveller who had acted so well by me in
my outward journey. As I have above stated, my departure from the
old town of Salop was taken sorrowfully, as much food for reflection
is to be obtained there. Not that I am over given to thinking ; but
you can't very well help doing so when you take a newspaper con-
taining a salacious account of the last great battle, and seated on the
grave of somebody slain, in war five hundred years ago, read the
description, and wonder at the improvement in killing that has been
made since the gentleman beneath you was cut down by a billhook,
or transfixed by a clothyard shaft. But even such delights as these
must come to a close; and behold me, having made my adieux, whirl-
ing along in the direction of Alton Towers.
Alton has, for some reason or other which I can't make out, been
always connected in. my mind with bitter ale, and though I knew I
was wrong I could not help associating the towers with the tall shafts
of a large brewery. Whatever I might have expected, however, I
could not have been more agreeably surprised than when, on arriving
at the platform which runs beneath the castle walls, I met MR. COOK,
who escorted me over the vast grounds and to the flag-tower which
stands upon a commanding eminence. The day of my visit was set
for a grand temperance demonstration, and the shrubberies, which
would have driven a Londoner wild with wonder, were thronged with
quiet, orderly, well-behaved people, who had evidently made up their
minds to enjoy themselves, and were doing so to their hearts' content.
I couldn't help noticing the general courtesy which animated the
mass (there were about seventeen special trainsful of people present)
as I had but lately been reading of a disgracefully drunken mob who
had visited the grounds from Wednesbury, and who, with a Van-
dalism which would have made even a black-countryman of the lowest
type blush in his sober moments, destroyed the plants, injured the
pathways, and lay about drunken and insensible by the score. Un-
fortunately, towards the close of the day of my visit rain began to fall
heavily, but this untoward event, which would in nine cases out of ten
have led to results disastrous for the peace of the meeting, had no
power to spoil the regularity of these good people's progress as they
quietly betook themselves to the many refreshment-rooms, in each of
which was an extensive brew of a fragrant herb called tea, and there
calmly awaited the advent of trains which were to convey them to
their respective and doubtless respectable homes.
I am not a teetotaller, neither have I much sympathy with the
total abstinence movement; but in the course of a long experience at
" public demonstrations," I cannot call to mind any instance in which
under adverse circumstances a monster pleasure party made itself so
completely conform to the necessities of the situation.
With regard to the place itself, my feeble pen trembles at the task
of attempting to portray its beauties. At once wild and cultivated,
its steep and labyrinthine walks are overshadowed by magnificent
trees, springing so thickly as to form a dense canopy on either side
the way- so thickly that were it not for the gate at the foot of the
principal pathway it would not be difficult to imagine oneself in a
virgin forest with nothing cleared but one narrow passage. The
deception is the more complete from the fact that the narrow road
continually winds, and this has the effect of at once lightening the
labour of ascent, and making it appear at every hundred yards as
though the wayfarer had no alternative but to plunge into the wood
or retrace his steps. At length a plateau is reached on which stand
the Towers, an immense pile of buildings, the work of the late "WELYv
PUGIN. More thickly wooded ground surrounds the castle, which
though really magnificent seems much too large for anyone who
can only live in a single room at a time. The whole of the belongings
to this palatial residence are on so gigantic a scale that it is hard to
conceive their enormity even when present, and thus, seeing the
futility of attempting to appreciably describe this fairy residence,
which overlooks miles of ground similar to that already described,
I have only to recommend my readers to witness it for themselves
whenever time or opportunity serves, and to express my own gratitude
to the owner's agent, who enabled me to inspect the place so
Once more on the railway, we were soon rattling along the provincial
line to Derby; and on the way I made the acquaintance of a kindred
spirit, who was thoroughly stored with local anecdote and general
information. Arrived at the Midland station, we did ample justice to
a capital dinner, and had barely time for a pleasant cigar on the
platform ere the London express put in its appearance. From Derby
to Trent, and Trent to Leicester, are short though pleasant journeys,
and on reaching the latter town day had just closed in. From
Leicester to London the train in which I travelled made no stoppage
whatever; and as we rushed through the darkness at a fearful pace I
felt that, no matter what the editor might think of the copy I had
produced, my enjoyment had been complete on both my latest
BY AN ODONTAGOGOPHOBIST.
I WISH I had not eaten sweets,
I feel a twinge, already beats
The dreaded nerve, my face it heats:
That tooth comes out to-morrow.
If I can only get to sleep
My resolution I will keep,
For it begins to plunge and leap ;
It shall come out to-morrow.
A sleepless night-a swollen face,
It really is too bad a case,
I can't go out of this warm place,
I'll wait until to-morrow.
I'm not afraid, of course you know,
The only reason I don't go
Is-well, because I'm going, so
I'll have it done to-morrow.
I'm nearly mad to-day again,
All cures for toothache are in vain,
None but a fool would bear this pain,
I won't wait till to-morrow.
I've screwed my courage up at last,
(I rather think his hours are past),
But-" Cabby don't drive quite so fast;"
I wish I'd come to-morrow!
"Your master in ?" Oh awful doubt!
"No, after five, Sir, he goes out."
1 long to jump for joy and shout,
But say, "I'll call to-morrow."
I put it off from day to day,
Hoping the pain will go away,
But still it lasts, and seems to stay
The advent of to-morrow !
3&xsbns to CDaff2 ubsltitts,
[ We cannot return unaccepted ISS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
A. (Sydney).-Much obliged, but too risky under the circumstances.
PooR GoosE.-Quite so. But we don't understand what you mean.
EDABOUT.-Would not be read about.
HoRATIus.-We don't think your Philippic up to the mark.
VOLUNTEER (Epsom).-Try some of your local salts-time tone of your
article is unhealthy.
C. G.-We are half tempted to publish your Ode to Peace" as one of
the horrible consequences of War.
PERTWIGGEN.-The lines are bald-give them a wigging.
NEW RALOY.-" Lines to an aching tooth" won't do.
1 I can't describe, Oh, fang,
Thy bitter, bitter pang."
Well, if you can't describe your tooth, get some on to draw it.
S. U. (Holloway).-We cannot undertake to answer questions of the
kind. Besides we don't know.
F. (Dublin).-The joke is almost as old as Homer.
ARGUS.-l hanks for the offer. Hadn't you better give us a call ?
Declined with thanks:-E. G., Hoxton; Novus Homo; J. Hi, Hammer-
smith; Cardiff; Noodledum Esor; H. A. K.; Amicus; It. M., Kingsland;
F., Ambleside; Goosequill; S. D. J., MIaldon-road; N. T.; Alonzo; H.,
Sheffield; Original; M. A., Camden-road; W., Newman-street; Theat-
rirus; B. B.; B., Berners-street; Cross-Sword: R. S. M., Manchester;
G. A., Deynesford-road; Ignoramus; P., St. Paul's Churchyard; H.,
Liverpool; E. H., Cheapside.
(SEPTEMIER 10, 1870.
A POLITICAL CONTEST.-REDISTRIBUTION OF SEATS.
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
What shall my Son Be ? (PARTRIDGE AND Co., Paternoster Row) by
MaR. F. DAVENANT, is intended to guide parents in the choice of a
profession or trade. It appears to be sound and practical, and will no
doubt help many a puzzled father to select a career for Young
Hopeful. The appendix contains a good deal of useful information
on various subjects connected with the matter.
The Innocents Abroad (HOTTEN, Piccadilly), by MA1RK TWAIN, with a
preface by Ma. HINGSTON, is a diary of a trip through Spain, Italy,
Turkey, Greece, Egypt, and Syria, with an excursion party from New
York. Of course it is not such screaming fun as The Jumnping Froy,
but it is a shrewd and readable account of the many sights and
experiences to be met with on such a trip, with here and there touches
of the peculiar dry humour for which MARK TWAIN is famous. The
preface gives a brief account of the great Californian humourist.
Poems by the late William Leighton (LoNGMANS AND Co., Paternoster
Row) have the right ring about them. They are thoughtful and
sympathetic : and here and there among them there are passages of
much beauty. The author was but eight-and-twenty when he died,
and had he lived might have made himself a name.
On That Head.
WE trust this example will not be infectious:-
A Mobile actor, who committed suicide on account of his failure as a jester,
bequeathed his head to the theatre to be used as the skull of Yorick.
Snuffed-out farceurs, stranded tragedians, and grief-inspiring
comedians, we have in plenty, whose skulls would for the first time be
useful when put to this purpose; and such a supply of crania might
lead to a Shaksperian revival. Nevertheless the depopulation almost
of the British Stage would be a big price to pay.
WE learn from nearly all our contemporaries that-
An excellent photograph of Grip," the raven in Barnaby Rudge," which
fetched such a high price at the sale of Mr. Dickens's effects, has been issued by
the London Stereoscopic Company.
The Stereoscopic Company never misses an opportunity of turning a
popular fancy to profit. This Grip" is but the last sign of their
As WE HOPE TO FIND.-The Modern Judgment of Paris-" Discre- HERE'S to your whir-r-y good health-as the Cockney sportsman
tion is the better part of valour." remarked when he drew trigger on the partridge.
MR. STREETER, of Conduit-street, has followed the example of the
Americans in producing his watches by machinery, thereby saving
one-third of the cost.-Times, Dec. 18, 1868.
MBR. STREETER makes his parts of a watch in the same manner,
saving an immensity of cost in labour, while at the same time he
produces an accuracy of fit and proportion which can only be secured
by machinery.-Daily News, Dec. 10, 1868.
MR. STREETER has already succeeded in producing by machinery
well-made English Lever Watches, which he can sell at a price as low
as that at which an ordinary Geneva watch can be obtained, with the
greater advantage of durability.-Standard, Dec. 11, 1868.
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD.-" The use of machinery in the manufacture
of gold articles is of great advantage to the public."-Times, Dec. 18,
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD.-" By the introduction of machinery 50 per
cent. is saved in the manufacture of gold jewellery."-Standard,
EIGHTEEN-CARAT GOLD-" Owing to machinery they can give
18-carat gold ornaments much cheaper than when they were produced
by hand."-Court Journal.
Printed by JUDD & Co., Phtenix Works, St. Andrew's Hil Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: Sept. 10,1870.
SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.]
II 1\\~~~ltI~1iU I I'' I,'
I' I ''I.
I, ~I i'~
I I 'I1 IK~ i _______ .-
Naughty Boy (sternly r garding Pimpnleconk) :-" I SAY
WAS BORN IN THE PURPLE? '-HE LOOKS LIKE IT!"
MA IS THIS THE GENTLEMAN WE READ ABOUT IN THE HISTORY TO-DAY, WHO
A SPORTING NOTE.
SIR,-By the time this reaches you my foot-possibly both my feet
-will have pressed the Moor of Doncaster. Talking of Moors reminds
me of SHAKESPEARE, and talking of SHAKESPEARE puts me in
remembrance of poetry, and if you're not satisfied with the enclosed
you betray an ignorance of the sporting Muse shocking to contem-
The backer wakes, his gold he shakes,
And tests his pockets' sound ;
His tub he takes, his fast he breaks,
Then hurries to the ground.
While on his rounds to invest his pounds
He spurns a dusty beggar,
Who loudly cries, Oh, bless your eyes,
I know you're on' Macgregor.
"But he though fast will be the last
Of them what's placed for t'Leger;
And as I'm a sinner you'll have a Skinnerr"
With Palmerston for hedgerr."
I daresay you, with your usual obtuseness, will think the fore-
going rather vague; but then, you know, that don't matter much to
THE French have been accused of cruelty in their mode of warfare.
They should have taken a hint for the treatment of spies from our
merciful behaviour to the revolted Sepoys. When we caught any of
them we invariably "let them off." It was usually done from the
mouth of a cannon.
THE QUEEN'S SHILLING.-Appropriate song for recruiting sergeants :
TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
The Cruise of the Ringleader (SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, AND Co., Stationers'
Hall Court) is a pleasantly written record, by MR. JAMES INWARDS, of a
trip through the Scotch lochs and firths in a big canoe. It is a book
likely to send others wandering in MR. INWARDS' footsteps, so agree-
ably does he picture the drawbacks even of such a 'tour; one for
which by the way this season offers peculiar temptations. But no
man should venture on such a cruise who is not capable of managing
a crank craft like a canoe, for there is rough water and queer weather
Notes from the Stubble.
THE thorough sportsman is scarcely the man to brook an insult, yet
he is daily led by the nose "-of his dog.
Many members of the legal profession are keen sportsmen. Every
gunner should give his birds plenty of "law."
Well-broken dogs "drop to shot." The partridges, too, should be
taught this trick.
A shooting box in Norway is out of the reach of most men, but a
Norwegian box will be found of capital service in keeping a luncheon
warm for your friends-you will thus be able to find them a warm
corner," even though covert-shooting has not yet set in.
Partridges are assiduous in impressing the virtues of early rising"
upon their young. The old birds always get up first.
EUCLID is not a bad name for a young dog who never makes a
mistake as to a point."
Eschew driving-and walk well up to your birds; the Trap "-ease
is only for kid-glove sportsmen, and music hall cads.
One column in your game-book is headed, How disposed of."-
Many hampers from the Royal Preserves find their way to our
hospitals.-An excellent example.
A BURNING SHAME.-Slander is not a light offence although it is
[SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.
.F rUN OFFICB, Wednesday, September 14th, 1870.
ISTORY repeats itself! The remark is so very far from new
that we do not put it in inverted commas. The end of the
Empire was so clearly at hand that the cartoon in our last
number was settled upon-it is holiday time-so long ago as the
Friday week before it appeared! But no one anticipated that the
end of the Emperor would be what it is. Yet it is but a parallel of
the career of the old Emperor. as the lines we quote from Loan BYoxN's
lines to the first NAPOLEON will prove:-
'Ti- done-but yesterday a King !
And arm'd with Kings to strive-
And now thou a't a nameless thing;
So abject-yet alive!
Is this ihe man of thousand thrones,
Who strew'd our earth with hostile bones,
And can he thus survive!
Since he, miseali'd the Morning Star,
Nor man nor fiend hath fallen so far.
The Desolator desolate!
The Victor overthrown!
The Arbiter of others' fate
A Suppliant for his own!
Is it some yet imperial hope
That with such change can calmly cope ?
I'r dread of death alone !
To die a prince-or live a slave-
Thy choice is most ignobly brave!
He who of old would rend the oak,
Dream'd not of the rebound :
Chati 'd by the trunk he vainly broke-
Alone-how looked he round!
Thou, in the sternness of thy strength,
An equal deed hast done at length,
And darker fate hast found:
He fell, the forest prowlers' prey;
But thou must eat thy heart away!
It would have been a grander ending, and one better for his dynasty
-and the son he loves-if the ex-Emperor had died upon the field.
He is old beyond his years, vexed with a terrible and fatal disease, and
after such reverses life can have little that is sweet for him. If he
could not conquer like a CJeSAn, he could die like a hero, and by his
death consecrate the claims of his son to the throne of France.
A Lowth-er Arcadian.
FEw people will be inclined to dispute with MR. Lowrn, of the
Athenaeum Club, the title of "The Plagiarist of the Period." He
wrote a few weeks ago to the Athenaum, enclosing a poem by THOMAS
BoonD, entitled Morning Meditations," and some very rude verse of
his own bearing a similar title. The two pieces were as much alike as
CAESAR and POMPEY : one of them must be a plagiarism, for they ran
side by side with parallel passages-or rather BooD's lines ran, and
MR. LoWTH's limped. MR. LOWTH said-having waited till MARKt
LEMON was dead-that he sent his verses to Punch, and that THOMAS
Hoon-save the mark!-had condescended to borrow his manuscript.
Had he done so, he so much improved it that it might as fairly have
been considered his own, as SHAKESPEARE's plays with borrowed
plots. But unfortunately for Mn. LOWTH'S ingenious attempt to pur-
chase notoriety at the expense of a dead man's memory, HooD's poem
appeared at Christmas, 1838; Punch was not started till 1841. Still,
no one who compares the two pieces can doubt for one moment that
one of them is a (ross and self-evident plagiarism. There is very
little difficulty in deciding which!
WE have received an engraving, by Min. MOTTRAM, from a picture
entitled "Pearls of Ocean," painted lby MR. C. W. NICHOLS, and pub-
lished by Ma. PLUMPTON. It represents four charming English girls
sitting on the steps of Margate Jetty. It will be sure to be popular,
as a pleasant memorial of those seaside holidays which are now too
.quickly coming to a close.
THE Zouaves have been described by the French papers as being
"as gentle as lambs" if you know bhow to treat them. In this war
they can hardly be said to have succeeded better with the "Zouaviter
in modo" than with the "Foititer in re."
An authority on the law of contra-band: Ma. BAhRBAE.
I a AN ODE.
ECEMBER'S throne September over
The laboured edifice of many
Lies in the dust; a spectacle for
O'er whom its lofty crown cast
And he. whose nod would awestruck
Is but a captive now, sick, friend-
less, and alone.
Such is the will of Fortune, fickle
Does not the Spanish proverb thus
That "He shall sheathe his weapon
in deep shame,
Who without justice dares to draw
the sword ?"
Thus, hapless prince, Time's whirli-
gig brings round
To you the self-same fate your
race's founder found !
You dared a throne's foundation to
With blood : and, therefore,
though your splendid reign
Thereafter in great deeds and
thoughts was spent
_ gFor France's good-your labour
was in vain!
And history shall to after ages tell
How he, who rose to power by blood,
by bloodshed fell!
Yet who is there who pities not your fate-
The shattered hopes that centred in your son ?
An old man, sick, betrayed, and desolate,
You see your life's long-laboured schemes undone:
Ah, well! your son will never learn the frown
That knits the weary brows encompassed by a crown!
Lay by the purple-'tis a Nessus-robe
That scorches the poor victim without cease.
Ambition's wounds let not sad Memory probe,
But heal them with forgetfulness and peace;
Turn your tired eyes from this world's strife unblest,
To heaven's forgiveness vast and never-ending rest!
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Si,--We hear but too often of the way in which the public time
and the public money are wasted by clerks in Government offices; but
hitherto those young men have had the decency to refrain from open
acknowledgment of their fault. But, sir, the other day I saw the
Admiralty was advertising for what do you think, sir ? fishing gear !
They deserve the rod-and I hope you will apply it.
AN INDIGNANT TAX-PATER.
** Our correspondent is at sea, but is not acquainted with nautical
terms. To fish, sailor-fashion, is to strengthen damaged spars with a
splice of timber.-En.
Play in Earnest.
THE AIthenueu states that many well-known French actors are at
present with the French armies. We have no doubt they acquit
themselves well on the boards of the theatre of war, when field-pieces
are produced. We trust they will all appear on the stage in the new
Peace that is underlined.
IT appears from the Field that pigeons are contraband of
war. The French authorities forbid the usual flying of Belgium
pigeons from France, for fear the birds should be used to convey
information about strategic movements. Who would expect to find
the doves of peace transformed to war-pigeons!
A Lrne ENGRAVING.-Bradshaw's Map.
T XJ N -SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.
"HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF."
The Desolator desolate!
The Victor overthrown! I
The Arbiter of others' fate
A Suppliant for his own!
Is it some yet imperial hope
That with such change can calmly cope
Or dread of death alone
To die a prince-or live a slave-
Thy choice is most ignobly brave ?-Lord Byron's Ode to the First Napolron.
SEPTEMBRh 17, 1870.]
Sm TSM i R 17, 1870.]
A CABBAGE GARDEN COMPETITION.
TO THE EDITOR OF PUN.
MY DEAR SiR,-Carefully concealed behind a railway embankment
and arch, there stands in the parish of Beckenham, Kent, a group of
one hundred and sixty model cottages, planted there by a body of
philanthropists, who have had no greater stimulant and inducement
for this good work than a desire to obtain a speedy return for their
outlay. This spot has the double advantage of being removed from
the turmoil and bustle of London, and of being contiguous to the
Penge station of the iron road which, leading from London to Dover,
takes Chatham by theway. As I am (unfortunately) rot a member of
the proprietary, there is no necessity for me to dilate on the goodness
of those who have come forward to benefit the working-man by
providing him with lodging for a fair equivalent in the way of weekly
rental; but I may as well remark that it is a great thing for a poor
man to know that value is to be found for his outlay, and as the
Beckenham Cottagers certainly receive full market return for their
money, there is every reason why they as well as the proprietors
should be satisfied with the existing state of things.
On a Saturday morning lately the inhabitants of the cottages were
-or might have been by any anxious inquirer- seen to be in a state
of great excitement. No longer did they regard the advent of the
weekly paper as a matter of intense interest; gone was the desire to
debate on the probable future of France; no fresh fate had on that
lovely morning been predicted for the Emperor even by the mcst
prophetic of Cottagers. No' a matter of home interest most absorbing
was set for the day, which broke about the usual time big with the fate
of the potatoes of Penge and the beans of Beckenham. In short, the
Alexandra District Floral and Horticultural Society's Show was about
to take place. The rest of the world in its crass ignorance and blind
fatuity recked not of the battle which was to be fought-the campaign
in which cauliflowers would take the place of carnage, in which mouth-
melting marrows would make men forget the mitrailleuse, and in
which the prospect of prizes would predominate over the predilections
of those politicians who usually preferred to parley about Prussian
I think that had the competition been confined to animal instead of
vegetable produce, the Cottagers would have shown to much greater
advantage, as the field in which the vegetarian war took place was
from an early hour crowded with youngsters, who seemed to instinc-
tively recognize BRowN's beans, PAnRTIDGE'S potatoes, and the various
other vegetables in a surprising manner, and whose criticisms might
have been heard to advantage by the judges, who seemed deeply
impressed by the onerous task imposed upon them.
At last, it having been settled who was to receive the prize moneys,
a ring was formed and the presentations began. The committee,
having in turn expressed themselves to their own satisfaction, MaR.
WILLIAM SAWYER delivered himself of a seasonable speech and
distributed the rewards of merit. Of my own receipts I will say
nothing, the mantle of modesty being my especial wearing, but I was
very much surprised that MR. BALDWIN should have allowed himself
to be bawled for during a period of several minutes without responding.
MB1. BASTAnD was the legitimate recipient of some of the richest
rewards, the productions of Ma. POTTEN were considered worthy of
preservation, and MRE. PARTRIDGE'S plum-age was the theme of
particular praise. The distribution being over some more small
speeches were made and the meeting separated, all being highly
delighted with themselves and with each other.
I think, Mr. Editor, that you cannot in justice refuse insertion to so
important a report as the above. Should you, however, consign my
production to the oblivion of your wastepaper basket you may expect
a severe epistle from me, who was, at the late show,
A COCKNEY COMPETITOR.
P.S.-I enclose two cucumbers and four prize onions, which please
return if my manuscript is rejected.
THE San Francisco News Letter records that:
A Man in Rhode Island has been sent to jail for ten days for sleeping in church.
Nothing was done to the clergyman.
The poor victim might fairly have pleaded that the expounding
was of the same class as "the exposition of sleep" which came upon
THE latest Chicago synonym for intoxication is suffering from
wet groceries." We can now quite understand how it is that Mas.
BIrBY, our landlady, is so affected by (hic)cups of tea, when she goes
to get her half-pound of Licensed Victuallers' Souchong at the Bald-
FRANX AND GERMANE.-The key of the situation: MOLT-KE.
WAITING FOR AN ANSWER.
How wretched is the being, matrimonially inclined,
Whose charmer wastes a year or so in making up her mind.
Of all our mortal miseries, no doubt the most intense
Is passing one's existence, like a spider, in suspense.
I've suffered half the agonies to which our flesh is heir,
And toothe-ache and sciatica seem ghastly things to bear;
But first among the tortures that a man can undergo
Is when a lady hesitates to answer Yes or No.
At least a dozen months ago my martyrdom began,
And yet-I blush to own it-I am still a single man.
The fault at first was all my own, for week had followed week.
Before I plucked my courage up sufficiently to speak.
But when I breathed my sentiments I breathed them in a tone
To pierce a heart of granite or of any other stone;
Though all the consolation that the lady could bestow,
Was just the sort of answer that you can't call Yes or No.
A month I waited anxiously a plain reply to get;
But no-she'd had so little time for thinking of it yet.
Another month was over, and a third had flown away,
And still she'd not rejected me nor named the happy day.
In feverish perplexity I've passed a precious year,
And quite as far as ever from my object I appear.
My days are each a century, they creep so very slow,
While waiting in a frenzy for a simple Yes or No.
There's not a man in twenty, I am positively sure,
Could bear with equanimity the quizzing I endure ;
I'm called a lucky fellow, too, by everyone I meet,
And receive congratulations at the club or in the street.
To-morrow, I'm determined, be the weather wet or dry,
I'll seek my charmer's residence a last appeal to try :
I'll breathe her all my wretchedness, I'll paint her all my woe :
And finish by insisting on a final Yes or No.
THie M'anchesttr Examiner gives a report of the speech of a gentle-
man, bearing the historic name of Coa'BETT, made at the City Brewster
Sessions. It enables us to look at the success of the Germany armies
through a new glass-a glass of beer. In applying for a beer license
the gentleman with the historic name said :-
There was a great War on the Continent, and a great people, the Germans, were
acquiring a power which would make them 'I.. ,.'1. -t power in the world. There
was a significance in the fact that this was .i.., .ii,[I, of a beer-drinking people-
(laughter), for the Germans w( re the greatest beer drinkers in the world, lor no men
could drink hi Cr like the Ge, mans ; and what was the result From the Germans
we had the Protestant Iteformation; and also from the Germans a vast amount of
learning. At thlie prec.cnt moment the Gernian were the greatest people on the
Continent of Europe, and, as lie said before, they were the beer drinkers of the
worli, and why would you-lthe BIfnch-withhold at this critical period that which
was the basis of German greatnees ?
It is only fair, when we chaff the teetotallers at times, we should
quote the words of people who seem to bear out the maxim, "Those
who drink beer, think beer." M). COBrETT goes on to say-
There has of late been a great outcry about the connection between the increase
of beershops and the increase of crime and pauperism, but lie would remind them
teat ttUere had also during the Fame period been an immense increase in the number
of churches and chapels and schools, and he contended on behalf of his fellow-
countrymin who liked beer, which was the national beverage, that they had no
more right to att ibute that large increase of pauperism to the increase of becrahops
than to attribute it to the increase of churches and chapels.
Our readers will hardly be surprised to kiarn that the license was
refused. A country justice may be a donkey, but the argumenturn ad
absurdum doesn't move him. We dearly loves our beer," but we
protest against its being considered the fount of the Reformation and
learning, as much as we object to the increase of pauperism being
attributed to the increase of places of worship.
Sex of One, Half-a-dozen of the Other.
REALLY the Post Office authorities are hard to please. We see it
announced that they are going to employ a number of lads as sorters.
The announcement says:-
The boys are to be between thirteen and sixteen years of age. A large number
of both sexes are required in the telegraph department.
We are afraid there will be a difficulty in procuring a sufficient supply
of boys of both sexes.
WE see by the papers that Mu. WALT WHITMAN is engaged upon
more Leaves of Grass." Hay is so short everywhere this year tat
creatures who can exist on thistles ought to leave the grass alone.
112 F U N [SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.
THE BARMAID SHOW.
1 ffiect of the Exhibition on the Human Face. 5 Visitors who Preferred Dancing in the Grounds to Seeing the Show in
2 The Grand Review for Selection which Doubtless took Place. the HBall.
4 The mcFirst Prize.Madns. 6 The Return.-Bush to the North Woolwich Train.
4 Tie Unsuccessful Maidens.
BY OUR SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
IN the good old days- the days, I mean, when the prize-ring was a
powerful institution; when pugilistic pounding were worthy the
name, and were far different from the hole-and-corner pence-procuring
passages of the present time; when some grains of self-respect and
respectability still retained a position in the prizefighter's breast; and
when he would have loathed the ruffianly doings of the dodgers who
now call themselves fighting men-the word "fancy" was taken to
mean nothing so much as a love for the ringside and the rough
sports attending thereon. But times are changed now, the ring is
broken up, fancy is a word of much wider application than of yore,
and those who would at one period have perused nothing but the
details of rib-benders, potato-trap closer, bread-basket emptiers, and
the many other playful words by which the doughty deeds of departed
heroes were chronicled in a now moribund and sleepy organ, are left
to their own devices for the procuration of sport."
Of course tastes differ, the choice offered is wide, and the selections
are various and much varied. Dog, cock, rabbit, and small bird fancy-
ing has for some time been the staple enjoyment of denizens of the
Seven Dials, while the torture of trapped birds and the brutality of
the battue have long occupied the spare moments of their betters.
But within a short period of the present, a new game has sprung up, a
game which has the advantage (or the reverse) of being open to all
classes of cads, from the lord to the linen-draper's assistant. This
pastime is best described as barmaid-fancying, and its votaries may be
observed taking their pleasure in almost any of the luncheon or rail-
way refreshment bars which abound in the metropolis.
Easily distinguishable are these individuals, whose personal
appearance and manners are as a rule, well worthy of each other, and
who seem by some miracle to have escaped the observation of the
philosopher searching vainly for "the missing link." But, stay!
barmaid-fancying is a new institution, and the enthusiast in the theory
of development was slightly before his time. With tightly kneed and
baggy-bottomed breeches, gaudy neckties, curly-brimmed hats, tremen-
dous wristbands and collars; and with faces which would be
wretchedly unmeaning, were it not that they afford some index to the
insufferable self-conceit within, the .fanciers prowl about until they
discover some doosed fine gal," whom they immediately proceed to
pester with their attentions. Leaning as far as possible across the bar,
one of these representatives of degenerate humanity will subject
a respectable girl to an intolerable scrutiny, and, what to any reasoning
mind, must be far worse, he will add the annoyance of a conversation
remarkable for nothing so much as for the absence of the smallest
possible particle of common sense. He never thinks that his attentions
can inspire anything but admiration never fancies that unbear-
able disgust takes possession of the soul of a poor and dependent
albeit respectable woman, who has no alternative but to submit to and
accept his sickening attentions under pain of dismissal. And what
does dismissal mean to one of these young women ? Often-too often
-ruin, wretchedness, disgrace and early death. I suppose these bar
hunters are not without mothers and sisters; and does it never strike
them that barmaids are also women and possess women's feelings ?
All things considered, then, it is far from surprising that the recent
Barmaid Show in the North Woolwich Gardens was numerously
attended. When the advertisements of the contest first appeared,
the hunting fraternity were all agog, and great was the fun anticipated.
Of course the learned in such matters calculated upon something very
different from the professions of the proprietor, and, the joyful
companions of 'ARRY thronged the train of terrible tardiness which
ran on the first day to the gardens of ganymedian gladness wherein
the temple sacred to Hebe and Apollo (for there was sweet music
discoursed) had been erected. But
Disappointment dire aroused the ire of those who came to see
the dashing girls with heavy curls who were on show to be. "These
SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.] F U N 113
ain't the gals I and my pals expected for to leer at, their masters
d'ye see, has been having a spree, and now he will all of us jeer
Truly the majority of those present were much disconcerted. They
had expected to find sirens lavishly decorated casting amorous glances
about, and trying at all risks to obtain possession of the voting papers
of customers. Nothing, however, could have been further from fact.
Four long bars had been fitted up in the dancing hall, and a large
number of demure, plainly-dressed, and in several cases rather anti-
quated ladies were waiting for the orders which came but tardily.
Nothing could have been more calmly respectable than the aspect of
the place so far as the proprietor and his attendants were concerned,
but unfortunately the same cannot be said of the visitors. Several
individuals upon whom the decorum had evidently a saddening effect
stalked about, the pictures of dejectedness, and in a manner worthy
alone of this type of the animal kingdom made offensive remarks in a
The proprietor had evidently anticipated his customers, and had
determined to steer clear of the shoals:and quicksands which would na-
turally beset the path of one who pandered to depraved tastes. Having
succeeded in his end without compromising himself as to the means,
he deserves some little credit for adhering to his original programme
-which, by the way, nobody believed he would do.
In conclusion, it may be as well to say that I do not think barmaid
shows are ever likely to take root in English soil; and I do not expect
ever to see another exhibition of the kind, but I have great pleasure
in bearing testimony to the undoubted "respectability "-some said
dulness- of the contest.
I'vE bid adieu to eliff and cave,
I've said good bye, with sorrow,
To bounding yacht and dancing wave!
I leave for town to-morrow.
There must I toil and strive to earn
The everlasting dollar.
The hour is come for my return-
I'm back again at collar.
Ah, me that holidays so soon,
So rapidly diminish.
Alas, that one revolving moon
Should bring mine to a finish.
Back-back once more to life's dull school,
A most unwilling scholar!
I take my place upon the stool-
I'm back again at collar!
Farewell to distant white-winged gull,
Farewell to white-winged vessel!
From pleasant sea to London dull
I go to join Life's wrestle.
With soul depressed and spirits flat,
I seek my humble solar
(It's Obsolete for garret' that !)
I'm back again at Collar.
THIS is an amusing story:-
An English traveller, having passed two days at an botel in a French country
town, called for his bill, which amounted to 110 francs. He was astonished at the
amount, and indignantly remarked, One hundred and ten francs for two or three
wretched repasts, and for two nights spent in a bed filled with fleas 11 Fleas!"
exclaimed thi hotel keeper; "How could I have forgotten them? Hand me the
bill." The traveller returned the bill, and the hotel-keeper added to the total:
"Fleas-five francs I"
The traveller objected to being bled, and the homeopathic host
promptly bled him again-with a flea-m ? The poor fellow was thus
THE attention of Land and Water and other "naturally historical"
papers is respectfully drawn to the fact that, in the neighbourhood of
Cheapside, the Poultry will be found laying asphalt paving.
THE toadies and other creatures that hung about the Imperial court
were very common Paris-sights until lately. The sulphur consumed
near Sedan is said to have got rid of the pests.
CLERICAL Eanons.-Three-quarters of an hour sermons.
THE JOURNALISM OF THE DAY.
A CONTRIBUTOR forwards us a collection of articles which he thinks
might be taken in the aggregate to constitute a review of the various
topics which have occupied public attention during the past session of
Parliament. It will be unnecessary for obvious reasons to offer our
readers more than a few sentences of each.
THE EDUcATION BILL.
The passage of this important measure marks an era in the
civilisation of Great Britain which will be remembered with interest
at a future time, when the clash of arms shall have subsided. For the
moment, it is true, greater interest maybe felt in speculations concerning
the future movements of the CUowN PRINCE than in those which relate
to religious difficulty or the Conscience clause. The question is
whether he will attempt a junction with PRINCE FREDERICK CHARLES
or [The remainder of the article consists entirely of considera-
tions relating to the war.]
THE IRISH LAND BILL.
The policy of MR. GLADSTONE in the sister isle is now likely to
have fair play. The Land Bill has been passed even in the midst of
stirring events, which have latterly thrown its importance into the
shade. It was not to be expected, indeed, that the same minute
attention can now be given to the probable effects of this measure, us
was bestowed upon it before the commencement of the French and
Prussian war. That great struggle is one that may fairly absorb
every thought. Never before were two such armies. [Our
contributor makes no further reference to the Land Bill, the remainder
of his article referring exclusively to the war.]
THE LORDS AND COMMONS.
The relations between the House of Lords and Commons are at this
moment unusually interesting, we might almost imagine that the
rival forces of oligarchy and democracy were marshalling themselves
for a struggle, even as the colossal armies of the great nations now
at war are ranged in face of one another in France. There we
behold [a number of things which have no further reference
to the House of Lords and Commons.]
MR. AYRTON AND THE SERPENTINE.
It would be a good thing if MR. AYRTON could be persuaded to
transfer his views at this critical moment to the seat of war, and
engage himself at cleaning out the Saar or the Moselle. Beside those
streams, to be classic ground for evermore, two great armies are now
engaged [There is nothing further about MR. AYvTON.]
THE PeOSPECTS or. NEXT SESSION.
[This article contains no allusion whatever to next session, or its
prospects, but deals exclusively with the war.]
THE WAR ON THE RHINE.
[Here our contributor is at last in his element. This article is one
which we have much pleasure in recommending him to offer to the
Editor of any country paper with which he may be connected.]
gansfrs to Garrapintz.
[We cannot return unaccepted MiSS. or Sketchtes, unless they are accom.-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and wev do not hold ourselves
F. (Glasgow).-Our glass doesn't goto "Fair" in recording the whether
or no of your pun.
FIeoTING COCxS.-Wo have no space to spare for criticising MSS.
submitted to us; but you may take it for granted that if we accept a thing
it is because it is good; if we reject it,-because it isn't.
(Cambridge).-We cannot make out the signature.
J. C. (Leeds).-But it doesn't follow we shall take him.
CLERIcus.-But we don't expect cussing from Cleri.
BUNCH OF FIVES.-You rhymes are at sixes and sevens.
BoATIST.-Your lines are not such as a clipper should be built upon.
Here's an improvement on the opening-
"Soft-roeing o'er the herring-pond."
TRno.-As a poet GRAY wouldn't have a leg to stand on but for his
Miss H. (Bowdon).-Many thanks.
CoPSHAw.- Good, but too long.
STUnBS kindly sends us as a suggestion for a cartoon "Napoleon and
King William as the ruffians, and Holland and Belgium as the Babes in
the Wood!" He evidently sees FUN regularly!
Declined with thanks:-J. A. F., Brighton; Hounslow; S. R. T.;
J. M., Ramsgate; Anonymous; Curio; R. D., Liverpool; Pickles; A. L.,
Ludgate Hill; J. H. G., Featherstone Buildings; W. K., Sutton; B. B.;
G, Warminster: Charley; Punster; "Mrs. O'Dempsey;" Pork-pie;
C. V., Chatham; W. P. B., Aberdeen; P. H., Daventry; P. A.,
Bow; Mlosus; W. B., Pimlico; W. R., Lincoln's Inn Fields; W. C.,
Hackney; S. J.; C. O. A., Queen's Square; W., Cobham; S. S., Windsor;
Tyke; Nemo; J. J. K., Batlersea-park; -, Ashford; C. R. M.; J. D.;
E. H., Cheapside; W. A. S., Bayswater; H King-street.
114 F'JT. [SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 184.
ii -. THE sway he shed the guiltless blood to found
Is o'er! He stands, pale, prisoned, and discrowned!
Gone the prestige the nation ever bore,
S I' ''fHer armies driven from the Rhenish shore:
-__This moral from the tale let History trace-
I A rule begun in wrong can end but in disgrace.
7 1. Come hither-come hither, my little foot-page,
-I-" .Come hither and wait by my knee:
For thou did'st engage, for a slender wage,
SMy messenger faithful to be.
S -- E M So haste thee, I pray, to the 'pothecar sage,
For a pill and black draught for me !
2. This warrior brave
He rides on the wave,
.a go Wherever the sea may roll.
He's a soldier bold,
But he is, we're told,
A somewhat credulous soul.
3. This is the friendly gale
Swells Trade's enormous sale!
4. Compared with it, the night
Is noonday, broad and bright!
SiOh, Learning, shed thy ray
g And chase the gloom away !
5. In vain the sturdy rowers tug and strain,
The galley stirs not on the watery plain.
-What is it stays its progress o'er the main P
'Tis something very-very like a whale,
e N Or rather mermaid, clad in silvery scale;
Because, like her, it ends in fish's tail.
6. A lad one day, playing truant from school,
orWent to fish in a stagnant pool;
He struck at a nibble-what was it ? A lizard ?
Sa Fear seized his heart, consternation his gizzard!
SOLUTION OP ACRosTIC No. 182.-Modesty, Bathing :
THE WAR FEVER. .Mab, Opera, Dirt, Earth, Spermaceti, Trepan, Yearn-
"'ERE, BILL BET YER A BOX O' LIGHTS THE PROOSHANS DON'T TAKE g.CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACosc N. 182, RcvED SEPT. th.
PARIs." D. E H.; R. C.; Snip; Double M; X. L. Mullingar; Timothy
"BET TER A COUPLE o' 'AP'NY Echoes THEY DOES, NOW! and Co.
CHATS 0 N THE MAG S. hunted me is amusing, and the other contents are varied and
SEPTEMIBER. Art keeps up its high character. The articles are ably written, and
WE can hardly find the courage to say that the Sunday Magazine is the pictures are simple miracles of excellence. How it is done for the
a good number; for it contains the unpleasant announcement that the money is a mystery.
interesting series of "Episodes in an Obscure Life" comes to an end We have also received the Food Journal, Le Follet, Best of Everything
Nevertheless it contains much good matter and some capital pictures. Gentleman's Journal, Yoeung Ladies' Journal, Cook's Excursionist
Good Words has a poem by JEAN INGELOW, a letter from CHARLES a estnminster Papers, Gardener's Magazine, and Carlow College Magazine.'
KINGsLEY, and much else that is thoroughly readable; though we
cannot help thinking that it is taking up somewhat too much of the
ground which might fairly be left for the Sunday Magaqzine. It might A Candid Statement.
be more every-day without becoming frivolous. The pictures are A NEW York paper says that the women of New York eat more
good. candy than any other women in the world. This is only a delicate
Good Words for the Young is excellent as ever. "At the Back of way of saying "sweets to the sweet." But as the ladies of New York
the North Wind" never flags in interest; and "Ralph Bannerman" are so partial to sweets, we should recommend their sighing swains if
is absorbing, as usual. And then the illustrations are just the thing they would succeed in their suits to lolli-pop the question.
for children; for though Ma. HUGHES is outr6 at times, MaR. ZWECKER
more than compensates.
The Atlantic Monthly has a "Handful of Translations," by Clerical Note.
LONGFELLow, pleasant enough. The" Fredericksburgh Churchyard" WE observe the announcement of the retirement of MR. SEYMOUR
is a halting record of a curious circumstance. The other contents will CLARKE, general manager of the Great Northern Railway. We have
be found interesting. no doubt the Directors and Shareholders would like to see more clerks
Our Young Folks is a number of some excellence. "How the Bear of the same kind.
THE STANDARD, 17th March, 1870, in a notice of Mr. Streeter's MORNING ADVERTISER, 12th March, 1870 :-" It has claims on all
Catalogue, says:-" The practical information furnished is very in- persons of taste, for its really beautiful designs and effective represen-
teresting, and will no doubt be appreciated by those who may read this stations of the choicest patterns of the art of the goldsmith, with the
useful little work." additional advantage that they are all produced at the smallest price
COURT JOURNAL, 19th March, 1870 :-" 1Mr. E. W. Streeter, gold- beyond intrinsic value, that such elegant and rich specimens of orna-
smith and jeweller, 37, Conduit-street, has issued a handsomely-bound meant can be executed. The book is in itself handsome and attractive"
catalogue of diamond ornaments and machine-made jewellery." PUBLIC OPINIoN, 16th April, 1870:-" The beautiful designs of the
UNITED SERVICE GAZErTTE, 9th April, 1870:-" MIr. Streeter, like his various articles are engraved in the best style, and apart from the
groat predecessor in the goldsmith's art, Benvenuto Cellini, combines information the vohunme contains, these designs, together with the ex-
literature with handy-work, and publishes books respecting his precious cellence of the printing, paper, and binding, give the work an intrinsic
specialities, almost as handsome as the articles of which they treat." value, to which the idea of a trade circular is altogether foreign."
Printed by JUDD & CO., Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor), at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: September 17, 1870.
THE WHITE SPECTRE.
THE bell in the ivied tower had clashed the hour of midnight. The
solitary owl swept by on silent wing, and the noiseless bats flitted to
and fro like the restless spirits of the wicked. The chill night wind
struck to the bone. It was bitter cold. But it was not the cold that
made me quake. No! It was a sense of some impending horror that
made my hair bristle, and sent a tremour through the goose-skin that
had invaded my epidermis.
As I approached the low iron-studded postern gate, my heart stood
still with terror. What awful sight should I behold when that oaken
door swung slowly back upon its creaking and reluctant hinges !
But then my oath! I must go. It was worse than ruin, death, or
bankruptcy under the last new Act, to turn back.
A long low wail smote on my terrified ear as I approached. I
seemed to distinguish my name.
Yes! there was no mistake about it. An airy tongue had certainly
syllabled my appellation. Should I withdraw? No! I must on.
Setting my teeth firmly, I strode to the doorway, and with supernatural
firmness inserted the key. It turned slowly, grating horribly in the
Once more-but:clearer, nearer than before-came that solemn wail.
I paused-it was but for a moment! Then summoning all my
courage, I.stooped beneath the low arch-and; stood within the haunted
At that moment a faint light appeared in the distance. A faint:and
flickering flame only, yet it seemed to move; and: as it drew nearer I
could see it was borne by a figure. A tall figure clad in a long white
robe. Withlsilent step it glided towards me. I hid my eyes with my
Again that terrible cry!
A cold shiver ran through me.
ADOLPHUS, my dear, I've called you'twice! Why don't you come
to bed instead of 'sitting up reading those ridiculous German romances.
Here are the candles burnt out and you asleep. Come to bed at once,
I insist! "
And when MRS. ADOLPHUS TITTLEBAT insists, I obey. I will
explain some other day.
WE cordially re-echo the growl of the Standard at the absurd rule
which closes the British Museum inexorably twice a year, for a week.
As the Standard says, its officials are by no means overworked, being
only employed three days and a few hours a week; whereas the really
hard-worked attendants in the Reading Room get no holiday. The
National Gallery and the Kensington Museum-like all Continental
museums and galleries-are kept open all the year round. It is too
bad! We repeat, it is abominable; and we speak quite without
prejudice, because we never go to the British Museum, and never
want to go. But, on the other hand, we feel sure that if ever a sudden
and mad craving for the treasures of Bloomsbury should seize us, it
would inevitably be just in one of those weeks in which it was
closed. So we repeat again-It is too bad!
THE entertaining "Gossiper" of the Sun says, dipropos of the
I wonder what the Regent-street tradesmen will do who have hitherto boasted
the Imperial patronage. Will they take down the Imperial arms ? If so, what
style and title will they adopt? "Perfumer to the Empress of the French" was all
very well and proper; but "Perfumer to the French Republic" would be too
Now, we are not so sure about the absurdity of "Perfumer to the
French Republic," since the Republic has possessed all the "Noes"
among the Deputies. But we grant "Hatter to the French Republic"
would be a ridiculous inscription. At present the Republic hasn't got
a head. Practically, we imagine the perfumer will still keep up his
motto "Perfumer to the Empress of the French" as long as he finds
her sent from France.
Mormon and More Women.
AN American paper says-
A voice comes from Washington territory saying, "Send us wives!" And a
thousand unhappy husbands respond "Take ours "
Why don't the Washingtonians go to Salt Lake City, where they
could UTtah-lise the growing objection of the Morwomans to poly-
THE LAP OF LUXURY.-Champagne-cup.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 185.
THE wounded eagle soars no more-
The dynasty of blood is o'er:
They hail new rulers-look for peace,
When Art and Learning shall increase;
And Commerce stretching o'er the flood,
Shall make the world with promise bud,
And in one Commonwealth of good
Shall link us all in brotherhood !
1. The enemy's scouts have come to the village-
Their object is clearly to murder and pillage.
They have tied the mayor in his office chair,
And they'll burn the houses they vow and swear.
2. So stood Eliza on the wood-crowned height,"
And 'twas from this she gazed upon the fight.
3. The city is all in a flutter
With fears that we dare not to utter ;
The banks are coming to utter smash,
And joint-stock companies join the crash.
4. I see around me wondrous things and fair-
Oh, strange and sweet and beauteous overmuch !
As I draw near they vanish into air,
And as I reach them fade before my touch.
5. Come, friends, the magic brewage sip,
And while the cup salutes the lip,
In scandal we'll indulge with glee,
For-without scandal-what were tea P
6. Young BINKS in a boat,
For the first time afloat,
Mid cordage and spars to such utter grief came,
That the sailors grim
Laughed loudly at him,
And hailed him by this complimentary name.
7. The favourite sport
Of all the court-
By the Republic now cut short.
Yet some with joy
Will this employ
The young Republic to destroy.
S. Cows, looking over a gate,
Bat donkeys, you know from experience extensive,
Are animals neither expensive nor pensive.
SOLUTION or AcaosTio No. 183.-Capital, Besiege: Club, Advice,
Proboscis, Ibi, Twine, Agog, Lee.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS op AcROSTiC No. 183, RECEIVED SEPT 14th. Slodger and
Tiney; Timothy and Co.; G. II. E.; Thomasine V.; E. K. K.; B, P1. It.; Old
Cider Eye; Ruby's Ghost; P. It. A.; P. F. and 1). G. ; Double M.; Gray's
Gallivanting Giants; Tiddlewinks and Co.; Yerrip; Tilburma; D. E. 11.
Muter-to Nomine de te."
WE always have suspected DR. MUTER of being a wag. When he
took up the Thames mud question it was so very suggestive of
wickedly bad rhymes beginning:-
A popular savant called Muter
Once analysed Battersea bu-ter I Etc.
Our suspicion is confirmed by his contribution to the Food Journal this
month-an excellent and instructive paper on Tea." In speaking of
the origin of the use of tea, ascribed to an inhabitant of Sung-lo-shan,
the learned doctor cannot resist the temptation to crack not a cup
but a pun-as thus, "a Bonze of the Sect of Fo taught a Kiang-nan
man, named Ko-Fy, the art of making tea, and thus it was called
Sung-loo tea." Come, come, Da. M., this won't do! There is no
reason why it should have been called Sung-lo any more than High-
sung; but there are grounds for calling the beverage Ko-fy, in fact
there are Kofy-grounds for it! This is a case of de lea J'abula,
A YOUNG lady correspondent sends us this:-" When Nature tried
her prentice hand' upon man, and then made the lasses, it would
seem she hoped to make the best of her first bungle, by 'putting a
good face' on it with her second attempt." We like that young
lady's cheek-the cheek nearest us.
WHY should you fine a man for possessing two eyes, a nose, and a
mouth ? Because he is subject to four-features !
SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.]
[SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.
Landlord:-" Now, PATSIE, HOW WILL YOU HAVE IT ? ABOUT HALF AND HALF, I SUPPOSE."
Tenant :-" YES, SURE, YE HONOUR-AND A THRIFLE MORE half THAN HALF "
A FLATTERING BIOGRAPHY.
SNEAXBY is a type. Unluckily we can't break him up, as a printer
would say. But he deserves to be smashed. He's the meanest
"cuss" out. He has amassed a large capital by means of exclusive
self-interest. As a boy he took for his motto charity begins at
home." Acting up to the theory, he stole the family plate, sold it
and gave the proceeds to the poor. On that occasion he was
apparently the only deserving poor he could find. Like the poet,
even in his.cradle he lispedd in numbers "-especially Number One ;
the other numbers don't appear to have been published at that time.
He took them in subsequently when he grew up. He was quite bald
at the early age of thirty :-it was because he was so narrow-minded
the hair couldn't keep from slipping off at the sides. He was once
prosecuted by the parish authorities for depriving the flints used for
mending the roads of their cuticle. He pleaded that he did so to
provide soup for the paupers. If so, he was not so penurious as he was
reported, as a certain personage is said not to be as black as he's
tinted. There's no doubt that Sneaxby stinted. He will die as he
has lived, universally hated, and his sorrowing friends will promptly
erect a splendid monument over him, partly in recognition of that
one good act of his life which he committed in dying, and partly to
prevent the possibility of his returning to life.
AN eminent surgeon who has devoted much time and attention to
the study of the subject, declares that as far as can be ascertained, the
curious cachinnation described in medical and other works as
"laughing in one's sleeve is produced by the action of the risible
muscles on the funny-bone.
AN old aunt of ours has such a passion for ancient china that we
have asked her spiritual adviser to warn her of the wickedness of
avarice and teacup-idity.
THE CONSOLING PIPE.
THE heathen god Pan
Was a good-looking man,
But unluckily cursed with the legs of a goat;
Which made Syrinx look down
Upon Pan with a frown-
And on Syrinx, it was, he was fated to doat.
He was pining away-
Grew thinner each day-
But small consolation from Syrinx he got.
And her sneers at his legs
So embittered the dregs
Of life's cup; it was clear Pan was going to pot.
One morning he grew
So pressing, she flew
To Minerva, or some one, to help her in need;
And, obtaining her change,
In a manner most strange,
Rushed into the water and turned to a reed.
On seeing which, Pan,
Like a sensible man,
Just cut her at once-and invented the pipe:
Which ever since then
Is by all jilted men
Held the best cure for love-of which smoke is the type.
Hard Lines :
HERE is a case of olive-branch-lines with a vengeance:-
Mrs. Lynes, wife of a nursery gardener at Leek Wootton, near Warwick, gave
birth to three children last week, one of which has since died. She has twice
before had twins, all of whom are living.
Poor fellow! He never expected his wife to enlarge on her marriage-
lines by the Rule of Three.
F U N .-SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.
A WORD FOR PEACE.
Europe :-" YOU CANNOT MEAN TO STRIKE HER!"
BY Ova SPECIAL SIGHTSEER.
STROLLING down Parliament-street a week or so back I was asked
four separate times, by four different rustic couples, the way to
Westminster Abbey. Of course I directed them all as minutely as
possible, and it was doubtless my evident desire to afford information
which led the last of my querists to interrogate me as to the beauties
of the famed minster. Again of course I was quite willing to initiate
the ignorant countryman into the wonders of my native metropolis,
from which I am proud to say I have never been absent for more than
a day at a time-such occasions being also very rare-since I first
inflated my lungs with the pure air of Baldwin's Gardens; but a
slight obstacle prevented my gratifying a desire springing from the
pure well of human kindness always carried about by me. Shall I
confess it F-I had never been in the Abbey. Familiar as were its
double towers, its one-handed clock, and outside architecture,
from constant observation, it had never once struck me that the
inside had its charms and would doubtless repay a visit. This,
however, will not be wondered at by those who know me well, as
next to an insane generosity which is always prompting me to give
away what I want myself.* but which I find it my duty to humanity
(as represented by myself) to sternly conquer,t my chief foible is a
forgetfulness of everything but my immediate wants and .desires,
unless my attention is forcibly turned in a new direction.
Pensively wondering how it was that it had never struck me to go
inside, I continued my walk until I met WILKINS, a worthy pub, to
whom after the usual salutations, I said,
WILKIE, do you know Westminster Abbey P "
Do I know it ? Do I know the Houses of Parlyment P Do I
know the barracks ? Ain't I lived in Tottlefields all my blessed life ?
What d'yer mean ?"
All right, don't be in a hurry. I am aware of your knowledge of
the outside, but have you ever been in it ?"
In it ? Well no, I can't say I have, but my uncle BILL, who come
up from York last month with all his kids, went, and he said it was
stunning Besides, all the country folks as stops at my house goes.
But I ain't got time myself. When I gets out I like to have a blow
down to Rosherville or a run up to Cremorne, but time's too short for
visiting the Abbey."
During a week I pursued my inquiries, and received much about the
same answer from a lot of people whom I asked about the Abbey.
But one day, after replying to two or three of my questions a fellow
"Why the deuce don't you go yourself if you want to know
anything about it. That's what I should do. I'll go with you if you
want a pal, only I shan't be disengaged till Monday."
Well, now, it never struck'ne about going myself, but of course we
can go. On Monday, then."
On Monday, then."
According to arrangement we on the day specified found ourselves
within the Confessor's glorious pile, and were soon busy, ofttimes
reading the quaint epitaphs and inscriptions, but mostly listening to
the extraordinary remarks made. by some of the visitors. A rather
strong argument was going on at the time of our entrance as to the
height of the statues of CANNING and PALMERSTON, which stand near
the door, both of the disputants having the vaguest possible ideas of
measurement. The differences in the dates and the gradual marks of
improvement in both spelling and carving, were truly interesting, and
the constant recurrence of illustrious names induced a feeling of
pleasure and pain, of sadness yet of satisfaction, and I thought-
looking round upon the cenotaphs and tombs of those who living had
charmed-or swayed the world, and who dying had lbft none behind to
supply the deficiency-that death would be deprived of all his terrors
did but such a glorious companionship wait upon my decease. And
generally I am anything but bold on the subject of death. But, in. an-
swer to -my remarks, the individual who accompanied me expressed it
as his intention to be blowed if he died until his time came, "not,"
as he somewhat vaguely remarked, for all the Abbeys as ever
My attention was rather rudely recalled by the companion of my
travels-certainly not of my thoughts, for he was of the most vain and
frivolous description-who, slapping me on the shoulder, pointed to
my feet-and, oh, horror! I was standing on a stone which told that
underneath lay all that was mortal of ISAAC NEWTON. I jumped off
as though the slab were red hot, but to my regret I discovered that
most of the visitors had no such scruples.
An elderly man in a black shroud passed by, and my unimpression-
able friend informed me that "that's a verger, so called because of
their acquaintance with Latin poetry, the large silver watches they
Our contributor is evidently forgetful of facts.-ED.
t We now find we were premature in our editorial comments, which we beg to
carry, and their continuous propinquity to the edges of graves." It
was not, however, until we had left the building and he had repeated
the remark several times, that I understood he had been attempting
It does seem somewhat strange, and it is certainly worthy of remark,
that so many nobodies should find a place among the list of great
English worthies, more especially as from the great elaboration of
some of their tombs they become cynosures of attraction to vulgar
visitors. My guide was once more ready with his insidious whisper,
and remarked that the majority of those present would rather look at a
good specimen of handicraft, no matter whom it contained, than at the
ugly blocks which too often held the ashes of the famous. I would
fain have contradicted him, but certainly outward appearances were in
Through the cloisters, where it was saddening to see the Gothic
marks which call for the reprehension of the Dean, who in a neat
placard requests visitors to kindly abstain from leaving their autographs
on the walls, a request which does not however seem to have had
much effect, as BILL STUMrs still pursues his avocation for the
admiration of future investigators of the "P. C." description; past
the tombs of the abbots and monks, notably past one supposed to
contain the bodies of twelve struck down by the long-remembored
"black death" of the fourteenth century; and on until we tare
stopped by a memorial stone which for quaintness would be hard to
beat, and which most grotesquely mixes up a master's sorrow for his
dead servant with his self gratulations at having perpetuated the
memory of the departed one:
With Diligence and trust most Exemplary,
Did WILLIAM LAWRENCE serve a Prebendary
And for his Paines now past before not Lost
Gaind this Remlbrance at his Master's Cost,
0 read these lines again: you seldom find
A Servant faithful and a Master kind.
Short Hand he wrote; His flower in prime did fade
And Hasty Death Short Hand of him hath made.
Further descriptions ensue, but I must confess to being puzzled by
the concluding lines:
Wherein he lies so geometrically
Art maketh some but so will Nature all.
Re-entering the building, we soon find ourselves near the resting
place of royalty, and ascending a flight of wooden steps come upon the
sarcophagus which contains the body of EDWARD III. The shield and
two-handed sword of the warrior king, and the saddle, shield, and
helmet of another soldier-monarch, HENRY V., are exhibited ; but rust
has taken possession of the arms, as dust has of the bodies of their
owners, and I can do nothing but gaze upon these relics of an ago
long gone by, and lose myself in a vista of historic recollection, until I
am pushed on by the crowd to the coronation chair, which is fixed upon
the stone sacred to all Scotchmen.
The tombs of ELIZABETH and MARY of Scots and the chapel of
HENRY VII. are duly visited, and then we come to Poets' Corner, and
as we gaze on a new-made grave even my flippant friend is sad and
subdued. The flowers and immortelles are still fresh on the tomb of
the poet-novelist-fresh as' his remembrance will ever be in the minds
of all English-speaking people; and after lingering so long hero that
it has become quite dark, we silently leave the building, certainly-so
far as I am concerned-much the better for our visit.
HORA.CE IN LONDON'.
TO SIR C. MAECENAS, M.P.
Carmen XX., Liber I.
AT my abode from humble glasses
You'llquaff, kind sir, pale ale of BASS'S,
Bottled that year, when waxing warm
You made the speech upon Reform,
Which raised a cheer so loud and high
That Thames's banks took up the cry,
And echoes from far-off Yauxhall
Appeared responding to the call.
At home, sir, you may sip your quart
Of thirty-four or comet port,
Or else, champagne if you prefer,
The choicest brand of ROEDERER.
For my part, nought can I afford o'
The wines of Burgundy or Bordeaux.
IT'S all very well for M. JULES FAVRE to say the French won't part
with any part of their territory. But after all there are two sides to a
bargain, and exchange is no robbery. If the King of Prussia grants
their territory peace, he expects a piece of territory in return.
122 JF U N [SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.
THE RETURN OF THE CORRESPONDENTS.
THIS war has been a mighty unpleasant experience for your Special
Correspondent, who has hitherto been rather a favoured individual.
He has been regarded with awe, respect, and even adulation, as the
preasens numen-the maker and marrer of renown-the visible Fame,
who spoke trumpet-tongued in the columns of the press, and conferred
a sort of Victoria Cross in ten lines of letter-press. But in this war
neus avous change tout cela The Special Correspondent was present
with the two armies-but especially with the French army-on
suffrance only. Nay more, he was in danger of arrest, imprisonment,
even personal violence, in addition to his ordinary risk of being shot
by some pestilent bullet, with a fatal disregard for non-combatants.
The Special Correspondents have not had a very good time, as the
Ye Gentlemen of England,
Who live at home at ease,
How little do you think upon
The dangers of S. C.'s!
Some of them have had a prolonged experience of the discomforts of a
siege-others have become intimately acquainted with the interior of a
military prison. Some have been conducted to the frontier, and not a
few have been under fire. But your regular War Correspondent- the
gentleman who does know how to set an army in the field and has
his opinions about the disposal of a battle-is not the one who has
suffered most. The peaceful chronicler of events remote from the seat
of war has been worse treated by the "citizens" than ever his more
martial compeer was by the soldiery. The cowards who shouted out
" d Berlin"-and let others go to fight their way there !-were
courageous enough, when they had a superiority in numbers over a
single newspaper correspondent. Such an outrage as we have recently
read-of inflicts an indelible stain on the boasted civilisation of Paris.
Such savage brutality as was permitted if not encouraged in that case
by the so-called guardians of the peace in the capital of France-" the
Mecca of civilisation"-would have disgraced Dahomey, and would
have been impossible in the capital of KING THEODORE. It is a black
mark against Paris to all time.
However, our much-enduring and much-daring correspondents are
beginning to return home, each with his story of vicissitudes and
perils. Lucky are those whose experience of the war is nothing
worse than that of falling victim to a furious charge-not of cavalry,
but for a dozen Scotch whiskies at his hotel.
It is not impossible that the fervent imagination of our artist may
have carried him away when engaged in depicting, for the delight of
the present and the instruction of the future, his historical composition
of the Return of the Special Correspondents." If so, that's his
THE following notice, extracted from the Stamford 'erOury, is another
evidence of the influence exercised by CHARLES DICKENS over the
minds of his readers. The gentleman who inserted the notice has
evidently read, and clearly believes the story told by Jingle of the
intelligence of the well-known pointer, Ponto:-
A LL Dogs found Trespassing on Lands in my occupation after this date will
be prosecuted. CARTER PLOWRIGHT.
Moulton, September 2d, 1870.
We should like to learn how he intends to proceed against the canine
trespassers. In the case of sporting dogs, would he sue for a percus-
sion cap-ias ? The dogs would move of course for a quare-or rather
Cur-impedit. The advertiser seems to act on the principle "prosecute
my dog, prosecute me "- a sort of converse of the old proverb "love
me, love my dog," which, by the way, it is not generally known, is a
quotation from the writings of ST. BERNARD, whose breed of mastiffs
is so famous!
A Savage Assault.
"PHELIM, is it true ye've let BARNEY O'MULLIGAN borrow yer
barrow ? "
"Faith, and that's jist what I've done."
"Thin it's a murtherin' vagabone ye are! "
Why, sure "
Bekase-arrah, can't ye see it-bekase you're truck-you-lent !"
A GENTLEMAN, who has unfortunately broken his word, is anxious
to procure some cement that will repair it. The same composition
with which people mend their manners may possibly answer.
SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.] FJU N 123
"No honeymoon" is the last marriage announcement following No cards" of
the nobodies.-Daily Paper.
No Honeymoon! No Honeymoon !
No happy days of endless spoon!
No blissful pause at Love's high noon!
No soaring, as in a balloon,
Above earth's cares inopportune !
No month of one continual June-
No month of joy, gone all too soon!
No brief seclusion, glorious boon!
No more sweet wine and macaroon,
No bridal wreaths in fair festoon,
No Honeymoon! No pleasant lune!
The muse can only wail and croon-
No Honeymoon! Oh, I shall swoon! "
Poor.bridegroom, thou'rt a luckless 'coon ;
Poor bride, your happy hours they prune !
From stone their hearts have sure been hewn
Who thus proclaim No Honeymoon."
Extraordinary Instance of Instinct in a Cat.
A GENTLEMAN, on whose veracity we have the strongest reliance,
never having found him out in a falsehood, except on three or four
occasions, in the course of a slight acquaintance of several years
standing, forwards for publication the following curious narrative, for
the truth of which he vouches.
A cat, which has been in his possession from a kitten, exhibits a
strong partiality for fish, a viand which she recognizes even when
craftily concealed beneath the salt exterior of a Yarmouth bloater.
The other morning she observed the cook placing part of a sole in the
cupboard. She said nothing at the time, but waited until the
afternoon, when somebody happening to open the cupboard door, and
leave it ajar, this sensible cat jumped up on the shelf and devoured the
fish. The narrator adds, that although it had been placed on one side
to serve for his supper, he could not find it in his heart to begrudge
the cat her prize, in consideration of the remarkable instinct she
Or the many excursions to the East that MR. Coox has planned,
there is not one for which he deserves greater credit than that which
he recently organised in Arabia--Arabia the Unblest, whose children
vend lucifers, bootlaces, and penny papers in the streets of London.
Under his management, and at his expense, upwards of a thousand of
these wild Arabs were recently conveyed to Hampstead Heath, where
they had a "jolly day and a big feed," provided by funds subscribed
by a number of gentlemen, who ably assisted in making the fete a
success. We trust the example will not be forgotten, and that the
ragged Arabs may be at times: snatched from the streets for a day in
the Vale of Health.
Kill or Cure.
THIs is worthy meditation:-
An Illinoisian, finding that it would cost him 100 dols. to cure his jaundice,
hanged himself to save expense.
Having turned yellow on account of his liver, he turned a die-er on
his own account to avoid the doctor's account. Economical, perhaps,
but not worthy of a thorough financier. He'd have got cured of the
jaundice, and saved the expense by not paying the doctor. At the
same time, we have no desire to discourage any persons, who contem-
plating the cost of their illness wish to emulate this Illinoisian, for
their doing so is not likely, as far as we can see, to create any lasting
scarcity of fools.
A New Zeal-ot.
THIs is the latest from the colonies:-
In New Zealand, a chief with ten wives was told that he could not be baptized
unless he confined himself to one. At the end of about two months he repaired to
the nearest missionary and stated that he had got rid of nine. What have you
d one with them? ".was the natural interrogatory. I have eaten them," was the
After that who will refuse to give his penny to the Missionaries, who
do so much good ? Look out for a lump sum from sympathetic
On that Head.
A MAN recently charged with murdering his wife by decapitation
pleaded that it was in self-defence, and that he only cut her head off
when she had almost succeeded in talking his off. Of the two atrocities
we think his the more pardonable and less cruel.
TO THE EDITOR 0F 1'UN.
SIn,-I am a constant traveller by the Metropolitan District Rail-
way-in fact, am a season-ticket-holder. But if the company don't
put down one everlasting nuisance I shall go by some other line. It's
a man. I should say an Irishman, if a frequent attendance at the
theatres when Mt. BOUCICAULT's pieces are played did not convince
me to the contrary. This man never says "Arrah," Bedad," or
"Wurra, wurra"-moreover, he does not wear knee-brceches, or
carry a short stick, or a pipe in his hat-band. Therefore he is no
Irishman, but in other respects, especially brogue, he resembles that
I am a serious man. I am a musical party. Imagine my horror
then, sir, when I tell you that this monster in human form has one
joke which he perpetually makes. And I believe he asks people home
to dine with him, in the neighbourhood of Loughborough Road, on
purpose to make that joke.
You may-but then again you may not-have observed at the
Elephant and Castle Station, a large board with the words, Hail-
stone's Calico Warehouse upon it. This wretch makes a point of
pointing-dear me, I'm afraid that's a pun, never made one before in
my life-of pointing out that board to his friends. Ye see that
boord, sure?" he says to his unsuspecting companion, who replies,
Ah, Hailstone's Calico Warehouse." "Thin that's whero yo get the
well-known Hailstone Chorus Calico "-he means coarse calico,"
but that's how he pronounces it-and thinks it a good joke.
I trust the directors will take notice of this complaint from
Yours, &c., SOLEMNUN.
THOUGH pleasures still can touch my soul,
Though sorrow's fountain still is open-
Yet smile I not as erst I smole,
Nor weep I as I erst have wopen.
Some years ago, in my belief,
Life was a pudding, earth its platter;
I've plucked my plums of joy and grief-
And all the rest is only batter.
WE regret to learn that disaffection, which we hitherto believed
confined to Ireland, has spread to England. A friend who has boon
taking a tour inland states that Derbyshire exhibits a very decided
Pique. He adds, that it shows a tendency to look down upon the
surrounding country. He fancies tourists must have boon getting up
[We cannot return unaccepted .2SS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
F. F. F.-Leave them at the office with a stamped and directed envelope.
COQUETTE (Bermudas).- We must say "No."
Rus.-In-urbanus. Butwe forgive you!
ONE OF THE VICTIMs.-Wo pity the Exhibitors, whose Secretary you
are, for we can't make out your writing a bit!
(Bridgwater).-You people who send about the disgusting pamphlets
and cards of the "ladies" connected with the Anti-Contagious Diseases
Act Association ought to be imprisoned !
CHARLEY appends to his contribution the awful announcement "more
coming." We're going!
H. A. W. (Kennington-road).-Isn't it a little late in the day to be send-
ing jokes about the last Derby ? Send us the winner of the next Derby!
J. W. (Barnet).-We cannot-in fact, as a rule, we do not-judge of
things we have not seen. So if you want our opinion of your drawings
you had better submit them.
J. A K. (Glasgow).-We'll print one verse to oblige you, but we must
warn all readers whose lives are not.insured that they are not to read it:-
Blood! Blood! Blood I
Streaming, rushing, gushing,-
Crowd I Crowd Crowd I
Screaming, killing, crushing!
In the cannon's roaring crash-
In the musket's deadly dash-
In the sabre's sickening clash,
What a scene !
Declined with thanks :-Studeo,Bristol; S. D., Euston-road; H. St. M.,
Wych-street; J. J. B., Leicester; St. George, Portman-square; H. M. H.;
T. H., Llandudno ; B. M.; M. H. M.; A. W. C., Glasgow; X. X.; J. W.,
Liverpool; D. J., Pontypool; F. Mi., Bewdley; P. W.; G. B.; D. B.,
Lewisham; O'D., Christ's Hospital; Y. ; J. C., Leeds; Owdum ; H. C. Z.,
Maida Hill; F. D., Holloway; Merry Cuss; B., Liverpool; Nobbut oi;
S. T. Rt.; F., Dalston; D. T., Islington; G. G. S. ; S.; F. B., Manchester.