• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 March 12, 1870
 March 19, 1870
 March 26, 1870
 April 2, 1870
 April 9, 1870
 April 16, 1870
 April 23, 1870
 April 30, 1870
 May 7, 1870
 May 14, 1870
 May 21, 1870
 May 28, 1870
 June 4, 1870
 June 11, 1870
 June 18, 1870
 June 25, 1870
 July 2, 1870
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00018
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00018
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 5
    March 12, 1870
        Page 6
        Page 8
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    March 19, 1870
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    March 26, 1870
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 28
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    April 2, 1870
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    April 9, 1870
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 48
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    April 16, 1870
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    April 23, 1870
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    April 30, 1870
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    May 7, 1870
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 88
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
    May 14, 1870
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
    May 21, 1870
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 108
        Page 113
        Page 114
    May 28, 1870
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
    June 4, 1870
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 130
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
    June 11, 1870
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 140
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
    June 18, 1870
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
    June 25, 1870
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 160
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
    July 2, 1870
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
    Index
        Page 173
        Page 174
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text




















































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LONDON:

PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY W. ALDER,


80, FLEET STREET, E.C.








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S BRrrITANNIA, ever young and fair, was seated on the yellow sands,
employed after her custom in ruling the waves with the handle of her
trident and a lump of chalk-of the usual size-from the adjacent
cliffs, she caught sight of a sail, an unprecedented sail.
It was a galley-that is to say, at least, it was rowed by two lovely
gals, who handled the sculls in a manner calculated to turn the heads
of all mankind. At the mast-head fluttered the pennant of The
Re(a)d-dyed a bright crimson as if it had been doing good by stealth
and was blushing to find it Fame! The sea seemed pleased to see it;
S and curtseyed at the bows of the bark as it sailed into the bight. The
laughing waves, like the British public, crowded around its counter,
and seemed thoroughly to appreciate its folk-sell. As for its mast-well,
its mastery was a mystery :-it had no stays, the fact being that its sail
was so great there wasn't a single sheet left, so it was all right. On
shore all that is is right; but at sea all that is right is-to be ex-
planet-ory-star-board. All that is left is, on the other hand, port-
but any one consulting the log-would find very little port. Indeed,
port is so scarce that we think the navy would do well to revert to the
old name for port--la(r)-Bord(eaux).
Youth-with which was incorporated Beauty-being at the prow-
and very proud it was,-Pleasure very naturally took the helm. The
tiller was a cultivator of pleasant fruits, for it guided the "rudd(i)er
than the cherry," and comp eted with the currents.
"Boat, ahoy !" cried BRITANNIA.
"It's FuN galley-vanting," said a Triton-a very trite 'un-who
was making A of the sea-grass.
The craft cleverly turned toward shore, and saluted BRITANNIA,
the pretty girls tossing their sculls.
"Who's your skipper ?" said BRITANNIA; and when she heard
that FuN was the skipper she was ready to jump for joy.
"Come, a board !". said FUN; whereupon they put one out as a
gangway, and he came ashore. But then Life is made up of contra-
Sdictions.
"This is not the time at which you were bound-in magenta-for
these shores as a rule," observed BRITANNIA.
No, madam, hitgerto my trip has been just before the Fall.
_.... But to oblige 'my friends, I have consented to alter the time for my
e m outings."
"Ever considerate, my dear, yet cheap, friend! Ever thoughtful -or as my esteemed foreign acquaintance, HANs
BREITMANN would say-
And still the Fun-dere grew
That one small head should carry all he knew.






iv PREFACE.

You are welcome. In fact, considering the weather, you may say your welcome is more than warm."
"Fair BRITANNIA, I feel you are not more free than I am welcome."
"I see," said BRITANNIA, "that you wear your military mourning-that crape band round your arm."
I do, madam. We have, alas, lost our Commander-in-COhief-but indeed the literary service has had heavy losses of late. A
veteran in my brigade has gone from us-and from my own corps I miss a gallant soldier. But we who are left strive to do
our duty nevertheless."
"Yes, week after week, my gallant friend, I find yo keep up the supply of honest and healthy amusement for my people,
in spite of all."
Ah, madam, you remember what one of our rarxpt 1iuourists wrote-
And sure as comes the postman ad, the sun,
ThL, mddl'otigahle i4k miust run; ,
It is the comic writer's lot as hle said-
To joke with sorrow acting in his head,
And make your laughter when his own heart bled.
We must keep up the supply for your sons, madam, though our dear ones lie sick. It has been our task truly tp do our.
work-vith a beloved friend on his death-bed in the next room. But pardon these sad thoughts, suggested by tie lato calamities
which Literature has suffered. It is my place not to muse but to amuse. Yet a passing shade of sorrow z' unavoidable,
madam,-as you will find memorial versps even in these pages." With that FUN presented BRITANNIA with his New Volume.
To think," she cried, "that my Parliament are at a loss to devise a scheme for popular education when this is offered them I "
They prefer the FORSTERIpG care of others, madam, for your sons; and reserve my pages for their own improvement."
Then FuN knelt on the sand, and, raised BRITANNIA'p hand to his lips.
Farewell, myy friend and benefactor," said the lady with regret.
"Farewell!" said Fku, and then turning to his crew he cried, Up with the sail."
"It's over half a million already," was the reply.
The buoyant galley, with the boy at the stern and the gals at the oar, rode gaily over the billows, and with spreading
canvas circumnavigated the globe, dispensing funlight wherever it went-from the Bay of Fundy to remote Funchal. And
wherever it went it distributed the volumes of FUN, which it had at last been discovered were better adapted for the civilization
of the various lands At which it touched than whiskey and missionaries. The aborigines used to drink the whiskey and e9. the
missionaries; but they devoured the volumes of FUN, laughed and grew fat upon them.
At last, having reached port, the Commodore sat hipm dowfi to a sherry-cobbler in his own gorgeously-a p .eted ofio
He drew a magnificent cigar from his jewelled case, and taking a vesuvian from his fusee-box addressed a jokg, it, which q4
course struck it instantly. Then he 1i up, and leisurely whiffed at his weed.
ButpLsently there fell a enpe pf wonder a.ndlewilderment upon the attendants tn the outer office as they felt ae buil4i'g
magfve As it yAs, yibrat'ag.
An earthquake!" they cried, and rushing to FuN's apartment knocked loudly ast the door, to seek counsel q( in.
"Come in !" said FUN. They obeyed. And behold the whole thing was explained. ..a nq earth bagke I.
It was merely the whole world shaking its sides with laughter over


9)Z 6)16n# cralumt of f1p &b (SKerics of
Z_ i I I 149










_______ ,,~/,/ 1! .
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OUTWARD BOUND


$/ ..

", )


AGAIN.


ING ho! for the vessel
that spreads her
sail,
With the popular breath
for a favouring
gale!
Through stormy ocean
and sunlit sea
She has carried her pen-
non so fair and
free!
For many and many
a year has run
Her course round the
world -the good
ship FUN."

She has tackled of pi-
rates not a few-
And has sunk of smug-
glers a craft or
two.
To her mast she has
nailed the flag of
Right,
And never has truckled
to Wrong or
Might.
The rascals all quake
when they hear
the gun,
That bids them
"bring to," from
the good ship
"FUN."

Forth she sails, o'er the
limitless blue,
She's a gallant craft with
a gallant crew!


With Mirth and Wisdom for bo'sun and mate,
And the first "luff" Good-Nature, to navigate.
With truth at the helm, and with jest and pun
For her lanterns aloft, sails the good ship "FUN."
Seven times had she sailed the main,
When we docked, and re-fitted, and launched her again:
Ten times since has she put from shore-
And now she sets out on a voyage more-
For a taut little ship that they write A 1,"
She will sail on for ever, the good ship FUN,"


To the Charitable.
Tns people of the Shetland Islands are reported to be
in a starving condition, owing to the failure of their
crops. An appeal is being made on their behalf which,
we trust, will be widely responded to. In the mean-
time we would mention-in answer to the objection
urged against sending coals to Newcastle -that no
similar protest will be made against the generosity
which will send its "pony to the Shetlands.
N.B. Failing "ponies," we may add, "hogs" and
bulls will be acceptable.

Readings by Star-Light.
WE trust scientific journals will take a note of this:-
It is said that a new daily paper is to be published in May. Its
name will be Light, and it will be edited by Mr. John Morley, the
late editor of the Star.
This is a curious proof of the allegations of astronomers
than in many instances, stars have ceased to exist long
ere their light has reached us.

MARTIN's ACT.-Consume your own smoke.
APPROPRIATE TESTIMONIAL FOR A MApN OF EXTREME
VIEws.-A telescope.
IT's a notorious fact that a young lady never pays her
bets, why is it a matter of surprise that she doesn't
" slope ?-Because it would be a gal-levanting.


VOL. I I.









FUN.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 2nd, 1870.
T is not often that we can agree so thoroughly with the Saturday
Review as we do, when it condemns the curious pass to which
women have been brought by modern civilization, assisted by the
unfeminine goings-on of Woman's Rights advocates, and un-
sexed females of that kind.
Thanks to the attitude assumed by these persons, we find women
discussing (as they have recently done with regard to an Act, to which
weneed not to refer more definitely) subjects which either they ought to
know nothing about, or knowing .should be too decent to talk about.
We have two damsels, scarcely out of their teens, turning the horrors
of the BYRON scandal to wafter-dinner talk with creatures of the
opposite sex, anid we have 'Paterfamilias grateful for the close of the
MORDAVNT divorce case-'because then he can get hold of his paper,
without the chance of its being snatched from him by the girls. As
for the depraved wretches who haunt the Divorce Court with ghoulish
appetite, we have no sympathy with their complaint that of late they
were ousted from their accustomedd tore than sympathy-ity-for.lhose who ousted them.
As the Baturday. justly bserves, the women of pagan and.so-valled
"improper" times had better taste than many dames and damsels of to-
day. Well maythey Atter to their degenerate successors the warn-
ing cry of Idies, ladied!" .arid protest against being described as
indelicate by persons *ith such manners and customs.!

A CASE, which lid not create as much stir as the MORDADNT scandal,
and yet as gravely concerned the interests of society, came to an end
the other day, we suppose we must say satisfactorily. We allude to
the:action brought y DR. WILLIAMS against the DucHEss or SOMERSET
for libel. The libel, Which consisted of a printed pamphlet, seriously
reflecting on DR. WILLIAs as a man no less than as a physician, was
withdrawn with an apology, and the case concluded. We can quite
understand the unreasoning grief of a mother deprived of her only son,
and can overlook any incoherent ravings against mal-treatment which
might escape her lips in all the first anguish of bereavement. But
when the bereaved mother goes into type and circulates a pamphlet,
it looks like something more deliberate than the outburst of over-
whelming sorrow. However, DR. WILLIAMS consented to accept the
apology, and he can certainly afford to do so, for his fame as a physi-
cian is only equalled by his reputation for kindness and consideration
-as many a poor fellow can testify who has been treated by him for
pulmonary affection, the class of disease which DR. WILLIAMS has made
his specialty, and which is only too common amongst hard-workers and
people of sedentary occupations. Do. WILLIAMS, we say, can afford to
accept reparation which would be utterly inadequate in the case of
many medical men. The healing art is one which its foremost
students and wisest practitioners have found it difficult to agree about
at all times; and while eminent physicians differ as to treatment in
complicated cases, it should not be permitted that an angry woman-
whatever excuse may be pleaded for mental anguish-should have the
power to injure the hard-won repute of an earnest and conscientious
physician.

Old Saws with New Handles.
WHEN the cat's away- the servants have some difficulty in account-
ing for broken crockery and vanished cold meat.
Fine feathers make-just as good pillows as coarse ones.
One good turn-is as much as you can expect from a cheap silk.
What the eye doesn't see-is as a rule the parting of the back-hair,
but even that is to be viewed by the aid of a couple of mirrors.
When the wine is in- as a rule the wine-merchant's bill is not long
in coming in too.
Never say "dye "-whatever may be the fashionable colour for
hair.
Mule Twist.
A CONTEMPORARY seems to be sneering in this paragraph:-
An American paper, in recommending a candidate for office, said that during the
rebellion he received "wounds enough to kill a mule."
Well, there's nothing discreditable in that; if he survived wounds
enough to kill a mule, it proves he was not such a donkey as to let
them kill him.
Note in Natural History.
IT is feared the Di ormis is extinct-that in fact it is no Moa.


[MARCH 12, 1870.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 167.
WE may chance as we come to the pleasant spring weather,
To find this is stopped in the street altogether.
That is on one day of the seven without it
Oar poor folks must do. Is it wise ? We much doubt it.
1. It pricks or it goads, it spurs on or incites,
So a sound lexicographer carefully writes.
But a new definition in these days we make,
It gives to a man's head a terrible ache.
2. Of liquor you would have no lack
If this was full of honest sack,
Whatever sack may be; I state
It holdeth more than gallons eight.
3. I've heard a creature not too wise
Make this remark without surprise:
No matter what its comrades say,
It answers in the self-same way.
4. You'll find it is double, yon may, if you please,
Explain it of two kinds, two things, or degrees.
5. No man was ever half so dear,
I loved him years ago;
In Gallic tongue so sweet and dear,
I'd call him this you know.
6. His head for many days was sore,
Some bits of it he'd miss,
I said it was in truth a bore-
The surgeon called it this.
7. -Ah! pleasant science yet too hard for most,
Each old king rises 'mid you like a ghost.
The sacred writings show us words of praise
Of all the mighty men of ancient days.
SovaTON or ACROSTIC No. 155.- Winds, Frot: Whiff, Idler, Nero'
Dis, Sippet.
CORRECT sBOLUTIONs oF ACROSTIo No. 155, aiEomvx 2nd ARCH.--Sour Lemon
B. P. R.; Timothy and Co.; C. B. H.; B. A. M.; D. R. W.; Tom. and Jime
Chummie ; Ferndale; Banjo; Bandy-legged Borachio ; Veritas; Old Cider Eye
Slodger and Tiney; Tootletumps; J. 0. P.; Lindi's; We three; Suffolk Dump-
ling; Tomk; Cockywax, junior; J. T.; Gallic Cock; Tad's Grandmother; Pimlico
Tom Cat; Old Maid; Rheumat.e Subject; Pipekop; Gyp; Ruby's Ghost.
Beatie Cookie Carter protests against our abbreviating her name, and not
certain "idiotic nons de plume. We try to abbreviate all we can, for our space is
but limited. She should remember this-and we wish other correspondents would
thinkofit too ______I___

The Jug-ular Vein.
A YANKEE paper commenting on the spelling of a Minnesota juror,
who addressed a note to the judge with the inscription, Onarable
jug," says the juror seemed to fancy his washup was entitled to a
handle to his name. Might it not also have been due to his observ-
ing tendency to spout about him P

The Head and Front of his Offending.
THAT disgraceful young BODGERS describes the marble bust of his
father, presented to that most exemplary mayor by his fellow towns-
men, as the chip of the old block."

Encouraging for -Photographers.
* IT is positively ridiculous of people to decline to sit for their
portraits in the severe weather of winter, since then of all times you
are most likely to have a cold, and, of course, when you're a little
hoarse it is the right time to have your carte.

Something like a Grievance.
PEOPLE who whimper about scolding wives and smoking chimnies
can never know what it is to drop an oyster on the floor!

Geographical Mem.
WHY can every inhabitant of the Torrid Circle claim it as his
exclusive property ?-Because it's his Zone!

Not Right to a T.
A STUDENT of Stratford atte Bowe wishes to know whether the
French words Cafd Chswatt -mean a "musical tea."

Step it I
You may recognize an old fop, as. you would an ild ilbuding by
"struts."










F U N.-MARCII 12, 1870.


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--- _


"LADIES! LADIES!"
(The Mystery of Modern Modesty.)
Antiquity:-" AND THESE PERSONS SAY WB WERE INDELICATE !"


N
V









I MARucaE 12, 1870.] T JN. 11


Mrs. Ernwn n Things in General,

THE BARRICADES.
E was a-settin' over our supper me and Mas. PASwnic, as 'ad
N/t a few friends dropped in close agin' the Marble Arch, when
S W we heardd them newsfellers coming' a-'ollerin' down the street
as there was a, French riverlution broke out, with a frightful
massacre, in them evening' papers.
Law," I says, "'ow werry hawful I" for it give me a dreadful turn.
So, Ma<. MALKIN, as is aunt to the young man as 'ave married MRs.
PADWi cK's daughter, she says, "Oh, them French is used to it and
likes it."
"Yes," says IMs. PADWICK; "and I wonders, MARTHA, as you
takes sich a interest in 'em."
"Take a interest in 'em," I says, "in course I do, through a-knowin'
Paris that well as I could find my way about blindfold, as the saying'
is, and seems for to 'ave it all afore my eyes, as is a disgraceful sight,
with bloodshed as is 'urtful to 'uman life ; not as ever I did 'old with
that 'ere ROQUEFORT as always were a red 'ot publican though some
may consider 'im the cheese, as is called arter 'im, but a deal too
strong for me." And so I went on a-tellin' MRs. M.AIKIN all about
them riots as broke out when I were over there.
Ah," says she, "I'm always timbersome about anything a-breakin'
out, through well rememberin' the New River a-bustin' its banks into
my back kitchin, as were the werry day as them Chartists would 'ave
broke out too, only but for a-knowin as MALKIN bein' swore in a
special as kep 'em under."
"Ah," I says, "and quite right too, as is jest what them French
wants, as that 'ere Hemperor keeps under through 'avin' been a special
itselff and 'is truncheon a 'angin' behind the door to this werry day,
or else they'd up and hill every one the same as they 'ave done with
rivers of blood running' into oshuns through the streets, with their
gillinteens and barrilcades, as I 'ears say, is made of the buses upset,
as in course bein' overthrowed sudden will stop the traffic, and werry
unpleasant for them as is inside, and certain death to the outsiders I
should say; as did used to be made of the pavin' stones as were that
'ere Louiy NAPOLEON's depth in 'avin' 'em all tore up by that 'ere
OusEN,. as 'ousebreaker they did ought to call 'im, for he's been and
pulled more housess down than ever he'll put up agin with all 'is
braggin'; and, as to them loose stones about the street, I do say give
me the steam roller over where I'm a-passin', as is very apt for to
throw a 'orse down besides 'urtful to the foot, and only encourages
boys to pick one up for a lark as'll go a-flying' through a plate glass
worth fifty pounds, besides a 'ittin' anyone in their own drawin'-room
the same as the lady at the DUKE OF WELLINGTON'S when the mob was
a-shyin' at 'im in the Reform Bill, and struck 'er on the neck a
dreadful gash, as 'ad iron shelters put up for a protection and never
looked out of them winders agin, nor 'ave 'em opened no more to 'is
dyin' day.
But as I was a-sayin', as to barrilcades, they're easy made even
with a chest of drawers, with the washin'-stand, and your bedstead,
shoved up agin' the door as were 'ow poor MRS. ALDERs kept the
brokers out of 'er place, and ALDERS too all night for that matter, and
serve 'um right, as 'ad took to bettin' as'll soon bring your nose to the
grindstone as the sayin' is.
But bless you, them French is that desperate as they'd take and
make barrilcades of their own fathers and draw any one out by the
'air of their 'eads as it's a mercy there's so much false wore now, as
may prove a safe-guard to that 'ere Hempress and thousands beside,
but as to their a-goin' to make a row and upset everything, I should
like to see 'em try it on with millions of sojers all over the place, as
would bayginet 'em with their cannons in a jiffey.
It must 'ave been werry aggrawatin' to that 'ere Hempress that
RourFonRT a-brakin' out with 'is lantern the werry evening' as she
were expecting' a few friends as 'ad to be put off through the perlice
bein' wanted to keep 'em in order as couldn't be in two places at once,
and I am sure that 'ere Boulerees is that size as there might be Meg's
divertions a-goin on in the kitchen and that Hempress never 'ear a
word, as in course sets in 'er drorin'-room every day, as some will not
through a-keepin' it fit for company, not a-likin' for to 'ave so many
fires as in course makes more work for the 'ousemaid though I 'ave
knowed the first families as always set on the ground floor; and as to
the Hirish there 'aint nothing like a door step for them.
But when you comes to think of what the French has done, why
the same they may do as well I remembers the rows all through that
Ma. TEARS, as were a werry sad man, and they do say but for that he
might have been Hemperor 'isself, only the French is that lively lot
as that they could'nt stand TEARS for ever,' as was wot some would
keep on'a-callin' out as is wot 'Weave 1Empereur' means. Not as
I Oldss witf- -that there PEER BONYPARTY a-killin' that there young
'ebrew gent, though in course it is more than any PEER can put up
with to 'ave his head punched but might 'ave give it back with the
poker.


"As to that there ROQUEFORT a-goin to make a row at 'is funeral I do
say as it were downright indecent not to let even a Jew 'ave Christian
berrial, but only shows as I were right in a-sayin' as I 'ave score of
times, as that there ROQUEFORT didn't never ought to 'ave come back
not for all the animosities as ever Louis NArOLEON might give out.
For," I says to BaowN, when he was a-readin' about it, animosity
or no animosity they wouldn't get me back to France, and them as
goes will rue the day, as so they 'ave, for it's all very fine for that 'ere
ROQUEFORT to get off with six months and 'ard labour, but think of
the fools as 'eve been and led to destruction with 'is lantern, as they
calls it, as wasn't nothing agin the bulls eyes of the perlice as they
turned on 'im."
Says MRS. MALKIN, Law, Mas. BRowN, to 'ear you talk, anyone
would say you was Frer ch bred and born too."
Well," I says, "I 'ave been there and still would go, as the sayin'
is; but," I says, not for to see them lovely Boulerees tore down, nor
yet Toulevards tore up, with cannons planted along all them rampin'
parts of the fortifications all round Paris, as would lay you in hashes
in a minit afore your time."
I says, "Where I blames them perlice is a-pitchin' into the hinner-
cent the same as they did into me one day when I was over there, as
was a-walkin' only across the street in the riots and was pounced on
by two of them Surjons de wille' as is always about -in case of
haxidence with suckers for the blessed (as they calls the wounded) close
at 'and. So, in course I shook them waggerbones off, and giveoone a
touch of my elber in 'is waist as made 'm double up through boin'
that tight-laced as is their 'abits. Well, they began a-screeohin' and a
jabberin'; but I'd got my back agin' the wall, leastways, a doorway,
and give such a swing round with my umbreller as made them wag-
gerbones duck to avoid the blow, and, as luck would 'ave it, the door
opened sudden just then and I pitched backwards under.a 'orso's feet as
were comin out in a carridge. It's a mercy as they didn't trample me
to hatoms, as they would 'ave done but for the concerge as pulled me
away and turned out Hinglish itselff, and spoke up for me to them
perlice; and what do you think as them fellers dared for to say, as
they thought I was a man in petticoats a-tryin' to stir up a riverlution
with my umbreller as they'd 'ad their eye on me through 'avin' see me
a-wavin' it on the top of a seat the day afore. Well, as luck would
'av it, the doorway as I'd fell into were the British Hembessy, as is
LoRD LiONs, as QUEEN WICTORIA 'ave sent over there for to keep the
French in check as well knows what British lions is when put up, as
will lay down with the lamb, as the sayin is, but not stand none of 'is
impidence, for I know'd 'is noble father well as were a true British
sailor through bein' a rare admiral, as would 'ave opened 'is ports on
'em and 'ave blowed all their barrilcades to hatoms in a instant jest
with a single powder puff as is what they calls broadsides."
"Ah," says MLs. PADWICK, "give me a British tar agin the world."
I says, "Right you are and that's why them French ain't never at
peace through a-wantin' them powerful navals for to sweep the seas as
is the back bone of the British constitution and QUEEN WICTOmnA'S
glory as the sun never sets on, as in course expects as every man will
do his duty, the same as LORD NELSON'S last dyin' speech and confes-
sion aspirin' to the last in the arms of victory."
So when I pulled myself together a bit, I says to that 'ere con-
cerge, as is French for porter, I wishes for to speak to LORD LioNs
as I knows will see me righted."
Lor bless you," says the porter, "you can't for he's over in
London."
I says, Oh, indeed, off dooty for the day I suppose-well," I says,
"in course he must 'ave 'is 'olliday the same as every one else, but," I
says, you'll give him my complements, young man, and say as Mns.
BRowN 'ave called in, and that if there's any more of them rows she
means for to see the Hemperor over it, as well she remembers a-lodgin'
close agin St. James's Square, as a friend of 'ers did used to wash for,
with nothing' particular in the way of shirts and werry common
ocket 'ankerchers as is a thing as the French don't give in to much."
o I wished 'im good day, and in course a-knowin' of my remedy I'm
not afeard of them perlice in Paris nor no where's else, as sneaked off
a-leavin' me alone as soon as they see me under that British Lion's per-
tection and as to me a-stirrin up a riverlution with my umbreller, I
only stood up on a seat and waved when that 'ere Prince Umporial
was a-passin' to 'ave a good look at 'im through a-wishin' the boy no
'arm though I don't 'old with neither father nor mother myself as
won't 'ear the last on it if I'm muslested agin I can tell 'em.

Coming out of our Shell.
To our thinking, a pea-shelling machine (we offer the suggestion
gratuitously) should be fitted on a tri-pod.

Hare and Air.
OUR epicurean friend, GORMAN D'EYsoR, says the poets 'may say what
they please about the jug-jug of the nightingale, he prefers the simple
jug of the hare.









FUN.


[MAieH 12, 1870.


TYPES OF THE THOROUGHFARES.
No. 7.-PICCADILLY.
TxH E are few streets whose appearance at different times in the
day differs more than that of Piccadilly. At early dawn groaning
market-carts, cabbage-laden, and creaky-axled, toil slowly along it, the
drivers, with a strange semi-rustic look, trudging beside them. These
carts are more pleasant to look at and smell just now than they will be
later on their return journey from Covent Garden, loaded with
manure for the market gardens.
Presently, as it grows lighter, the early coffee-stall at Hyde Park
corner vanishes like a goblin at the approach of day. The early work
folk have passed to their labours, and partaken of the delicacies it
offers, so its task is completed. Have any of our readers ever tasted
the spirit, of mysterious manufacture, which is at times procurable at
such stalls ? If not, let us recommend them to abstain-it is needless
to warn them against a second taste if they have once tasted and sur-
vived. It is said to be made out of old rope, and its choking
capabilities are more painful in this form, we should think, than as an
outward application to the throat.
And now come the shop-girls tripping along, sprinkled with a few
clerks whose business at the other end of the town calls them forth
betimes. Later comes the luckier clerks of the West End, the Civil
servants-fortunate fellows, who have the pleasure of surveying the
aforesaid shop-girls, busily engaged in dressing the windows.
By eleven or twelve the ordinary stream of life flowing eastward and
westward occupies this broad channel, and it has little of special
character until the afternoon. Then come the swells, the faultless
swells, to saunter in the Park or take a turn in the Burlington. And
where they are the Soiled Doves will gather, like the vultures about a
carcass. They perceptibly leaven the Park, but they have the Arcade
almost entirely to themselves. By some occult instinct, after a certain
hour close on noon, ladies shun the covered promenade; even the girl
of the period dares not carry her imitation of Lais so far as that!
Meanwhile Piccadilly is densely crowded with carriages and horses
of every description, from the aristocratic chariot to the plebeian 'bus.
For there is a republicanism about Piccadilly which is not shared by
other streets lying close upon it. It is more democratic than Bond
Street and St. James's-street, while Pall Mall has nothing in common
with it, and is so grand and so dull that one quite pities the War Office
clerks for not having a more lively view from their windows !


The roadway of Piccadilly is crowded with fine equipages and
shabby growlers, with the barouche of Rank, and the brougham of
Beauty (not always unadorned) ; with the mail-phaeton of the guares-
man, and the hansom of the private not in the Guards; with the
curricle, and the cab, and the cart.
This is the time to see Piccadilly, for as its roadway is choked with
vehicles so its pathway is crammed- with pedestrians, of as many
different classes as the vehicles. That is a peer of long creation-this
is a bankrupt of yesterday's making. Here is a pure sweet woman,
going mayhap on an errand of mercy-yonder trips painted Vice,
going to spread its snares for gilded youth.
Mind you, the street itself is a wonderful study, without a word
about the people in it. Beginning from SWAN AND EDGAn'S, you pass
that strange fossil the Geological Museum, and that recent formation
the St. James's Hall, which is a conglomerate of dinners, Christy's
Minstrels, and other entertainments. St. James's Church, with its ugly
modern sham-antique gate, and Burlington House with its present
frontage, unpretentious in everything save ugliness, balance each other;
and then comes the Egyptian Hall, with the multifarious WooDIN,
and the two huge Egyytian figures trying to pretend they don't notice
what goes on in the Arcade over the way.
Then you skirt the Wellington, and pause to weep over the
departure of .the good old coaching days outside the White Horse
Cellar-then away, past FRANCATELLI's, by many a noble residence
looking over the Green Park. More than one noted residence has of
late changed hands, and its noble owners have been succeeded by
clubs. One has been kept closed and uninhabited for years! So you
come to Apsley House, and the WELLINGTON statue, and the Park, and
St. George's Hospital. That is the climax of Piccadilly- after that it
dwindles, to lose all its individuality near Tattersall's.
And as the street dwindles after Hyde Park Corner, so its glory
dwindles as the evening closes in. The swells- have gone home to
dinner, the humble folk have gone home to tea. Later and later, the
traffic diminishes in quantity, without improving in quality. Toward
the small hours noisy cabfuls from the haunts in the Haymarket,
which innocent people believe to have been quite extirpated by this
time, awake the echoes of Piccadilly. They become fewer and farther
between, until the clump of the policeman's boots is almost the only
sound; and another day has completed its round in the existence of
Piccadilly.


12










MARCH 12, 1870.] U 13


THE SEASONS. ACCIDENTS NOTscH /
BY AN UNDEoIDED BARD. C C I ES ro L
I LOVE the spring! its tender greens I 5 U R E D AS IE LOOKS
(Not cabbages but-colours) please; A -
The vernal flowers that'flthe its scenes A A I H T I
Are lovely, each in their degrees. .1
But then, upon the otheihand,
Its softness makes -,ne overbblld,
And-how, one cannTot, understnaid- a,
Afflicts one hith acouph and cold.
No, summer is theiteinacomne,
When earth its: beatstyipdididlenses,
When sings the bird ndchumAlth be, be,
And all the sceneis diirrwnses.
I Yet, still, it-may be nrg6d!again,
That fever by its warnith:begot,
Stalks gaunt throughehaatletctown, eA 4ahin:
And often it's uncommon hlt!
So give mep autumn C hlmlaitd mbl,
With woodland rssetg gilduatdbrown ;
When every eveningy'eirbtle,
The sun more early 6tles down.
Still, that it has no drawbacks, too,
I dare not, I admit,cinsist,
While pangs rheumatic wield the screws/
On foot and ankle, arm and wrist. p-op- .
Therefore shall winter be my choice! "
When ailet ilies the landscape white,
Save foiiDan ibbin's cheery.oiee,
Whoeiggadrm mxor xmitil night.
But then in 'inter chiublains:-ome,
The blood. growsabid, the'flngetsn b5- QUIT'E ABOVE HIM!n
It's hard to saybthich season't bdtl Ssbbp7 pNoor 'hik&k shat the girls are laughingat !


CHATS ON THE NAGS. A Fortunate Escape.
MARCH. A GENT EMAN, eminent in the literary profession, met with an
accident in Fleet-street the other day. Fortunately he recognized it
THE C'ornhill is a capital number this month. MR. READE's story before he quite came up to it, and avoided it by turning down a by-
keeps the expectation still a-tiptoe, with no promise of an immediate street. The accident was tall, rather good-looking, and has a con-
solution of the mystery. Of the other papers there is not one that is firmed habit of borrowing half-crowns.
not thoroughly readable-and more than that, does not give valuable rowcnn asrow qst
information or suggestion.
Tinsley's presents an unusually long list of contents, which are HAT t'M AGAIN.
various enough, and all amusing or interesting. A description of THE man who would keep his head cool shouldn't clap a stove-pipe
PALMER'S doings at Rugeley will not be the less read because so long on it.
a time has elapsed since the crime was committed. "The Record of
the Rings is a strange -weird story. you o r
London Society seems plentifully illustrated this month. Its art is
above the average, the sketch, "On and off the Stage" being, in [ Ye cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
especial, admirable. The literary contents axe agreeably varied panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not held ourselves
between prose and verse, tales and essay. repsnsiblefor less.
The Argosy is better illustrated. It has a story by Johnny Ludlow
hardly as artistically told as usual. The other contents are quite up ARTEMUs WARD, Junior.-It is an insult to the memory of a clover
to the average, but it is just doubtful whether "Bessy Rane" does not man to assume such a n in de plume, especially with such small pro enslon.
take up too much space. Why can't you people strike out original lines of your own.
Anew serial entitled The Best of Everything, by the author of Enquire D.-That's just what we said, when we discovered that your original '
Within, will be sure of a welcome wherever the writer's earlier work is contbution referred to the descent of Skye terriers when it rained 'cat
known and valued. The present serial is one whose object can only T. T.--It is aipresumptuous to pretend to write verse without knowing
be explained by its title-it is, in short, to contain "the beat of every- how to construct it, as to fancy you can write English when you do not
thing," and the first number is up to promise. know how to spell. Think of that!
DELTA.- Thank you! We were aware that "the scalds were bards."
"Allow us to remind" you that people who inform us of the decease of
Pity the Poor Postman. Queen Anne are bores.
HE is constantly "knocking about," and although that does not ERIN -We really cannot answG your question.
constitute him a dissipated man, dizzy-pated he must of necessity be, J. A. MAUNDRELL.-We have not the least idea who you are, or what
from his hourly attempts to decipher the wretched handwriting of the you are aiming at in your "effusionary" lines.
majority of those who are supposedto have received a polite education. A WonKING MAN.-Your language proves you a believer in the abusive
majority_ th w ep e h r iOdgerite school. Besides, you talk nonsense.
V. V. (or YY).-Why, why don't you write more legibly ?
A QUESTION. A. B. B. (8trand).-We really cannot understand what you mean.
Ir wit is bad-in-age, how much more unbecoming it must be in Declined with thanks:-Cockatoo; L. D., Vimbledon; Tottenham;
youth! Z.Z., Ventnor; Crotchet; J. A., Dorset-street; J. T.; Crab; E. B.;
Dash; J. G., Oswestry; R. R. H, Manchester; Chiverthiniad; F. W.
PRACTICE MA PERFECT.-. Cornwall-road; C. R., Kensington; G. S., Finsbury-street; G. C. C.,
s T Holles street; Gobbles; T. T.; E. M S., University Hall; A True Lover
WIHOerJT many hours of real hard work no Premir e .Dansetuse can of Pancakes; A Baby, etc.; B.; J. F. F. McR., Brixton; J. W.; Dreamer;
appear au fay. S., St. Swithin's-lane; W.; J. H., St. Helen's; J. W. T., Cambridge;
W. P., Primrose Hill; G. C. N.; F. S.; H. P., Finchley; T. J. M ,
WHERE do they put oxen on boafd ship ?-In the steer-age. Hull; F. J., Berwick-street; G. L., Stevenage.









14 FU [MAOCH 12, 1870.


.. ,- U "

ILIIYJ1


DIS-GREASE-FUL I
Don't mind him:-it's only old Perblynd, who has caught up a grease-box instead of his carpet-bay. He doesn't intend any dishonesty!


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
THE age is not so rich in poetry, especially in poetic drama, that it
can afford to give cold greeting to such worthy work as MR. R. H.
'HORNE'S tragedy The Death of Marlowe (LACY, Strand), which is as
welcome in its republication, after having been long out of print, as
its author is on his return to England after long sojourn in Australia.
We should do injustice to this noble drama, which seems rather like a
relic of the Shaksperian age than a production of modern times, by such
extracts as our space will permit. We can only say that we hope in
hailing this revival, we are only receiving the forerunner of many a
fine drama from the pen of the author of Orion, a poem which obtained
at its first appearance a wide recognition among the foremost writers
of the day, many of whom have left on record their admiration for
MR. HORNE'S undoubted genius.
Comic songs nowadays are so dull or so vulgar that we are grateful
to MESSRS. CocKBs and Co., of New Burlington-street, for publishing
such songs as MR. A. S. GATTY'S Put it Down to me, and I really am so
8leepy, which are admirably calculated to raise a laugh without raising
a blush too.
In an Old Man-of- War's-Man's Yarn, MR. e H. GooCH tells, in a
pleasant and unaffected style, the simple and touching yarn of an old
sailor, whose sons sailed with the last expedition of SaIR JOHN
PRANKxLIN.


A Conundrum.
As a prefix, just one-fourth of Pleasure, combined
With an illness that sets one a-shake,
Will give a disease of a deadlier kind,
And away will one syllable take.
ANSWER BY OUR P.D.
To Ague add one-forth of Pleasure,
"PL", that is,-not to be vague-
And you'll find, if you syllables measure,
You've got the one-syllabled plague.

Something Wrong Here.
A CONTEMPORARY states that:-" Green peas are selling in Philadel-
phia at 2d. a-piece." Of course the last word is a mere slip of the
pen-it should be 2. a pea not a-piece."

WHAT is the most learned fish ?-Well, re(a'd herring!
NOTICE.-Now ready, the Soventeenth Half-yearly Folums of FUN,being
THE TENTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, s. ; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care aLd supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Boom, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commoas, and Published (for the Peoprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: March 12, 1870.









MARCH 19, 1870.] FUN.
1 I


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 79.-MY DREAM.
THE other night, from
cares exempt,
I slept-and what
d'you think I
dreamt ?
I dreamt that some-
how I had come
To dwell in Topsy-
61 NOU [Turveydom!
Where vice is vir-
tue-virtue, vice:
Where nice is nasty
_--_ _- nasty, nice:
Where right is
wrong and wrong
is right-
Where white is black and black is white.
Where babies, much to their surprise,
Are born astonishingly wise;
With every science on their lips,
And art at all their finger tips.
For, as their nurses dandle them,
They crow binomial theorem,
With views (it seems absurd to us)
On differential calculus.
But though a babe, as I have said,
Is born with learning in his head,
He must forget it, if he can,
Before he calls himself a man.
For that which we call folly here,
Is wisdom in that favoured sphere;
The wisdom we so highly prize
Is blatant folly in their eyes.
A boy, if he would push his way,
Must learn some nonsense every day;
And cut, to carry out this view,
His wisdom teeth and wisdom too.
Historians burn their midnight oils,
Intent on giant-killers' toils ;
And sages close their aged eyes
To other sages' lullabies.
Our magistrates, in duty bound,
Commit all robbers who are found;
But there the beaks (so people said)
Commit all robberies instead.
Our judges, pure and wise in tone,
Know crime from theory alone,
And glean the motives of a thief
From books and popular belief.
But there, a judge who wants to prime
His mind with true ideas of crime,
Derives them from the common sense
Of practical experience.


Policemen march all folks away
Who practise virtue every day-
Of course, I mean to say, you know,
What we call virtue here below.


For only seoundrels dare to no
What we consider just and true,
And only good men do, in fact,
What we should think a dirty act.
But strangest of these social twirls,
The girls are boys-the boys are girls!
The men are women, too-but then,
Per contra, women all are men.
To one who to tradition clings
This seems an awkward state of things,
But if to think it out you try,
It doesn't really signify.
With them, as surely as can be,
A sailor should be sick at sea,
And not a passenger may sail
Who cannot smoke right through a gale.
A soldier (save by rarest luck)
Is always shot for showing pluck,
(That is, if others can be found)
With pluck enough to fire a round.





-


How strange," I said to one I saw,
You quite upset our every law,
However can you get along
So systematically wrong P?
"Dear me," my mad informant said,
"Have you no eyes within your head P
You sneer when you your hat should doff,
Why we begin where you leave off!
"Your wisest men are very far
Less learned than our babies are! "
I mused awhile-and then, oh, me!
I framed this brilliant repartee:
"Although your babes are wiser far
Than our most valued sages are,
Your sages, with their toys and cots,
Are duller than our idiots!"
But this remark, I grieve to state,
Came just a little bit too late;
For as I framed it in my head,
I woke and found myself in bed.
Still I could wish that, 'stead of here,
My lot were in that favoured sphere I
Where greatest fools bear off the bell
I ought to do extremely well.

Good News for the Navy.
Tia indefatigable MR. BAXTER, in the late debate on the Navy
Estimates, related a few of his experiences with regard to the stores we
have in hand in the various dockyards. What he tells us is very
cheering. First of all we have a ten years' supply of candles. That
ought to assist in making the estimates light for some time. We have
enough towelling for seven years. No one after that ean say that the
Admiralty Reform doesn't wash. And-most cheering of all-there is
no chance of our Fleet not being likely to be maintained in a proper state
of efficiency. Why, of foot-pieces for stockings for our sailors there
is a supply for no less than fifty years. After that who shall say the
Navy is not placed on a proper footing P

Tas last thing a man should be out of :-Temper.


VOL. Xi. i









16 FUN. [MARCH 19, 1870.

SA THE PROUD DAMOSEL.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 16th, 1870.
HE Chancellor of the Exchequer bears to the rest of the Ministry
the same relation as the famous little black and white pig of
negro history bore to the remainder of the litter. "Have you
counted the pigs, SAMBO ? said the master. Iss, massa," said
the faithful black, all 'cept dat little black and white pig, and him
run about so fast de debble himself -couldn't count, him." Mn. GLAn-
STONE must find it as difficult as SAMBo did, to count upon this very
lively member of the Ministerial farrow. He is irrepressible, and
never to be depended on for prudence and reticence. He will give his
colleagues a back-hander all round in answering a deputation, and
does not even scruple to call the Prime Minister, what amounts to a
humbug."
Poor deputations The way in which he roasts them, must be any-
thing but exhilarating. The Brewers paid him a visit the other day,
but must have wished themselves in their own mash-tubs, safe from
the shower of caustic to which he treated them. And how galling it
must be to those gentlemen when, after leaving Mn. LowE's presence,
writhing under the snubbing and pelting they have had, to read in
the paper that The Chancellor of the Exchequer received the Deputa-
tion with his usual courtesy."

MR. GEORGE GoDWIn, at a meeting of the Society of Arts, drew
attention to the number of workmen out of employ in the building
trade, as in all others, and urged the necessity of finding them some-
thing to do, by encouraging public buildings. Bravo, Ma. GODWIN, a
far better means of relieving distress than the shipping off of our
muscle and sinew to foreign countries, or even our own colonies,
whither, we have it on good authority, it is useless for men in a
destitute condition to emigrate.
The site of the New Law Courts is still a howling wilderness. It
might be made to bloom with that welcome if unpoetical fruit-bread
and cheese, for our starving population. Government, if it would be
credited with sincerity in its expressed wish to deal with the wide-
spread distress of the labouring classes, should lose no time in com-
mencing to build the new courts. A deputation-not to MR. LOWE-
should wait upon the. Ministry, and urge the necessity of prompt
action.

RHYME AND REASON.
THE EARL or PowIs,
You ought to know, is
The swell who presides
(Soon after June's Ides,
At that jovial cavern,
The Freemasons' Tavern),
At the-spread they prepare
For the Hospital there-
In Soho- Golden Square:
It's the Hospital treating Diseases of Throats-
So open your mouths-wide-and out with your notes.

Clear the Course !
Oun military and naval contemporary, the Broad Arrow, gives a
paragraph, which wetnust quote for its naivete :-
On Thursday afternoon some experimental shot practice took place at Aldershot,
with a view of ascertaining whether it is not possible for the batteries of Artillery
at the station to carry out their annual course of target practiceatthe camp instead
of proceeding to Shoeburyness every year for the purpose. It is stated that the
result is satisfactory, and that in all probability the batteries will practise at the
camp this year. There will no doubt be considerable trouble in keeping the ranges
clear, but some hundreds of pounds will be saved annually by the practice taking
place at Aldershot instead of at Shoeburyncss.
It is amusing to read about the considerable trouble in keeping the
ranges clear with the batteries of artillery firing over them! We
should have supposed the shot would have done that quite efficiently.
Still we would suggest to the authorities, if stupid people will cross
the ranges and stop the cannon balls, the French system of a round of
grapeshot might be useful in keeping them clear.

Literary Note.
CATAIN MAYNE REID'S American Magazine, Onward, is dead. Pos-
sibly true to its title it kept going "onward" so fast that it tumbled
off on the other side 1


MPHALE JUKES
Was courted by dukes,
By marquises, viscounts,
and earls;
But she turned up her
nose
At these and at those,
This most supercilious of
girls.
O HOanAE JuRIES
With sneers and rebukes
IShe flouted the whole of
the Peerage.
No lord, so she said,
Was she willing to wed,
Who lived in this terribly
/queer age.
OMSrALn JuRES
Someichief of Mamelukes,
Or some hero of chivalry's
days,
All beard, boots, and
spurs,
She longed to make hers,
a Like the damsels in
tragedy-plays.
OMPHALE JUKT s,
By a series of flukes,
By each one of her swains grew neglected;
And losing her looks,
From her lovers' good books
Her image was quickly rejected !
OMPALE JUIxES
Had to take to perukes,
having grown now as bald as a bandicoot,
Or, if you prefer
So to similise her,
As bald as a rhyme that comes handy-coot!
So OMarHcTE JttEs
Attended St. Luke's,
Took a seat at the usual pew-rate-
Gave up Frank, Turk, :and Vandal,
For tracts, tea, and scandal,
And finally married a curate.


Walking in the Zoo !
THE New York Stock-Exchange has struck out a new line in Com-
mercial Zoology. In addition to bears and bulls it boasts of
"lionesses," as a contemporary calls the spirited ladies who have
opened a bank in New York. If these lionesses are married, we should
say their lords are not particularly delighted-peace to their manes
say we!
By the way, it has just occurred to us, that no proper classification
of social zoology has ever been made. The Society in Regent's Park
should see to this. When they do, they should not forget to include
the fast, betting, and equine-animous girls of the period under the
head of a species of leopard-the 'ossy-lot!

Un-Corry-borated Facts.
THEun was a smart engagement on the Navy Estimates brought on
by Mn. Conny, Ex-First Lord, who canie out of it beaten by the pre-
sent secretary, MR. BAXTEv, whose shove behind for over-ballasted
ex-First Lords was a caution. In this case Coimr's pigs like SmLIar's
were clearly brought to the wrong market.

Alum and Bones!
MRn. HOLMES, M.P., is trying to obtain exemption from the Smoke
Act for the bakers. Well, if they don't consume their own smoke, the
worst we wish some of them is that they may be obliged to consume
their own bread !
The Last Slip of the Season.
TEA s were observed coursing each other down thefurrowed cheeks
of a veteran lover of the leash on this touching occasion. They ran
into the hair in his beard.









MARCH 19, 1870.] XL

TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
THosE who have read In Silk Attire will gladly welcome MR.
BLACK's reappearance in his new novel Kilmeny (Low, SON, AND Co.,
Fleet-street). There is a capital character in it, Heatherleigh, the
artist. So is Polly, the model: indeed, MR. BLACK'S Bohemian
scenes are excellent. Why the story is called after the heroine of the
well-known poem we.will leave our readers to discover, merely saying
that in connection with the name there is a clever incident about a
picture and the Royal Academy, which is most-artistically worked out.
In these days of much trash such a novel is a treat.
New books begin to be announced about now. We welcome a
new edition of Wayside Warblesf~.- EDWARD CAPERN, the Devonshire
poet. Those who admire his natural and delightful songs should pur-
chase this edition, for it contains a .portrait, fro n the excellent likeness
painted by Ms. EDGAR WILLIAMs, who, is likely to contribute several
interesting pictures to the academy thisiyear.
We have to acknowledge thi receiptlerom MESSRS. CRAMER AND Co.
of the Chilperie Waltz, the COl ,pia.iQuadrilles, together with three
ballads from that lively operetta, as,.well as. Cleansing Fires, Fireside
Dreams, and a barcarolle entitled L'Otwito al Mare.
We have received from MassRs. Disa AND SON, Ludgate Hill, the
issue for 1870 of Debrett's _Peerage, Baronetage, and KnigJtage, and
House of Commons. It is painting the lily and gilding the refined gold
to praise these admirable and exhaustive works, and yet we are all so
much indebted to MR. MAIR'S indefatigableazeal and care that it would
be ungracious not to acknowledge the extent of our debt !

Small and Grate.
Or all the complaints against the new and cheaper.eoal, which the
present authorities at the Admiralty have purchasedtfr the dockyards,
the principal was that the kind purchased for thefobrges was too small
for smithery purposes.- Now any one who haseen- a smith at work
knows what very small coal ht uses, so MR. BAxTmn examined into the
matter, and found that theidobkyard officials objected to the coal not
because it was too small Tfesmithery purposes, batibecause it was not
large enough to answer awhdusehold coal, torwhiekLase they had been
in the habit of putting itit It was clearly not a question-..of smallness
for public purposes but of private grate-ness.

No Fear!
OUR readers and subscribers will no doubt feel considerably alarmed
on reading the followingparagraph: -
There is a project on foot in Paris for the formation of a museum containing the
best examples that can be found of the various types of the human race, not for
scientific purposes only, but also in the interest of art. M. Charles Iochet has
introduced-the subject in lecture at the Sorbonne.
We hasten to re-assure them! Although in momentary expectation
of a call from a Parisian deputation, anxious to secure us for Case 1"
in the proposed museum; we can assure our friendsthat nothing shall
tempt us to accept the invitation. We prefer to enjoy our FUN in
England, to being preserved in spirits in- Paris.

At Home.
To the Professional Pedestrian, Mile-end.
To the Gasfitter, Berners-street.
To the Cattle-breeder, New Cross.
To the Brewer, Maida Vale.

May be Relied upon.
THE conflicting statements as to the probable retirement of the Lord
Chief Baron of the Court of Exchequer are easily accounted for. It is
perfectly correct that SIR FITZROY KELLY is about to lay down the law,
but it will be in the lucid style for which he bears so deservedly high
a reputation.
Rivetting the Attention.
ThE works of a distinguished foreign artist maintain so firm a hold
on spectators as to, make them feel for the moment-it is hardly a
mark of slavish adulation to say it-Gallait-slaves.

Bee Blowed!
A curT American naturalist has observed that the bee-as it.flies from-
the hive, isoddly enough-, going to hum.

1,000,000.
A MILLIONAIRE is not necessarily a naught-y man.

WHAT vessel in Her -Mjesty's service does. the Chancellor of the
Exchequer represent ?-A revenue cutter.


JN. 17

DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 158.
RUDE wind of the season styled vernal,
Who cares how you bellow and roar ?
In spite of your riot eternal,
A bully you are and no more:
On the seas though your tricks are infernal,
We don't heed you much upon shore.
I. There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which at its flood to fortune straight will take you;
Buii~if you fail to catch the flood, why then
Uoa-the mudbanks stretched, it will forsake you.
2.' Each one would fain inveigle
Some tutelary fowl:
The soldier loves the eagle,
The student loves the owl.
And the poets love-
N6! not the dove,
But.the good grey goose
That doth pens producal
3. Ah, Scotland many a winning spell
Thy wild and lonely loohs possess,
But in my memory none can dwell
Like thy BlaokwW&ter, i verness I
4. As I was walkinganEpsom Down
I met a Trianglewooming to town,
Should you- declare
His shanksa pair;,
I'll tell you his names sir, I'll bet a crown!
6.- SIR TOMKYN DE BILLINSGATE, who
Was elad in a silken surtout,
Bore his arms thereupon-
Two sprats and a swan,
You would say-they were this if you heraldry know!
6. The world's not round-that's pat;
And yet it isn't flat--
Something betwixt and between,
And a little of both, I mean.
7. Pickaxe and scauper, hatchet and adze,
Up in the garret he toiled with his lads.
The artists all cried on beholding his work-
What a chipping and chopping and chumping old Turk "
SOLUTION OP ACROSTIC No. 156.-Forster, Educate: Fane, Or'bed,
Rondeau, Scorbutic, Tarantula, Eyelet, Refuge.
CORRECT SoLuriONS OF AcROSTIC No. 156, ReCEITve MAUCn 9th.-Timothy
and Co.; Chummie; W. H.; Mabey's; Sour Lemon.

Same Here !
THERE'S nothing very original in this story :-
An Indiana newspaper asserts than an Indian is at present officiating in that
State as a Methodist minister, and that after his sermon he regularly dismisses his
congregation by giving his war-whoop and executing a scalp-dance.
Why, when the converted thief," NED WRIGHT, has finished his
addresses to congregations of the dishonest, he generally proceeds next
to levy contributions from-the public pocket!

Pat to the Question.
THE latest horror in adulterations is revealed by the South London
Press, which tells of butter made from Thames mud. We should say
so much the wusser, not so much the butter-anything but a butter.
If instead of a cow, we may refer to a bull, in reference to the butter
question, we should say an article made of mud instead of milk must
be a very Irish butter.

Coram Non Judice.
WE have seen the following announcement in an advertisement,
"Coral busts mounted in shirt studs;" Is it, any wonder that coral
busts when placed in such a compromising position. The only coral
busts we had heard of previously were those of the bo-rouged harri-
dans in the ballets of the music halls.

Jus Inoivile.
A LADY asks in an inquiry, what does any one offer for a large real
ermine muff ?-Why, what would any one offer but a seat on the bench.

THE RZAL ."EAU DX N." :-0.








18 FUN. [MA 19, 1870.


"I COULD A TALE UNFOLD."
.Distinguished Amateur :-" ER-ER-MEXT ME-E -IN AN HOUR'S TIME AT THE THREE OupS-wHEN-R--R-I wILL CONFIDE TO
THEE-ER-ER-THE PARTICULARS OF THE DA R BECRET, WHICH- R-ER-I cannot now relate." (And for an excellent reason e has
forgotten his part and mislaid his book.)


TO MY TAXGATHERER.
PHiLosorHans teach, as the lesson of years,
That life's but a wilderness watered with tears,
Where the sole ray of sunshine that breaks from above
Is the exquisite rapture we designate love.
'Tis true. For when sorrow is cold at my breast,
A passion I cherish, brings comfort and rest;
From earth's fleeting mockeries weary I flee-
And turn, my taxgatherer, fondly to thee.
Thou'rt not lovely; but what is mere beauty of form P
Give me the true spirit-the heart that is warm-
The care that transcends that of mother or wife,
That ceases its watchfulness only with life!
'Twas a family legend, that when I was born
Your growl echoed clear on the merry May morn;
And all through my childhood can memory trace
The scowl, oft recurring, that lit up your face.
As years glided by you were true as the sun.
Your aspects might vary, your motive was one;
Whether proudly Assessed to my dwelling you came,
Or meekly Parochial- still 'twas the same.
Light friends of the sunshine might come and might go,
But you never left me though bitter my woe;
And ever when poverty gnawed at me sore
Your knock was most frequently heard at my door.
Then what in the future can poison my peace ?
All friendships may fail me-yours never will cease;
My strength and my spirits may sink in decay,
And all my possessions flit swiftly away-
But while e'en a three-legged stool shall remain,
On which I may weep- or my country distrain,
Until from each earthly affliction I'm free,
You'll stick, my taxgatherer, burr-like to me.


GLORIAA MUNDI FUMUS."
WHY shouldn't we grow tobacco in these islands ? In Ireland we
know the cultivation of the plant that RAL.msa loved has been
managed with great success, and as the Emerald island decidedly needs
improvement in agriculture, why shouldn't Paddy grow his own
baccyy ?" Don't let us look at sordid considerations, like the Chan-
cellor of the Exchequer, who so snubbed the tobacco plant in the
House the other night, but think, oh! fumigatory reader, of the joy
of growing your own tobacco! With what tender care would you
.watch the noble plant as it progressed towards maturity, and how
carefully would you superintend the processes necessary to bring the
fair green leaf into due condition. How you would gloat over it as it
became the gentle Bird's-eye, the stronger Shag, or the sweet and
mild Returns. Let the revenue decrease, let MR. LowE grow more
choleric and withal more epigrammatical-what care we as long as we:
can offer the casual visitor a cigarette or cigar, manufactured on the
premises, from the product of our own fields and farms. Good tobac-
conists we know there are in plenty, but why should we be obliged to'
go to a stranger for the gentlest solace of all the ills of life ? Is it
Free Trade ? Is it consonant with the Principles (with a capital P) of
Political Economy so heavily to tax a noble plant we can grow in this
country ? (We are getting rather wild, dear reader, but our last box
of cigars turned out badly, so you will excuse our emotion.) Woman
is said tobe a great consoler-tax woman, then, instead of this consoling
weed. Peppermint drops solace ancient ladies, especially at missionary
meetings; tax peppermint then-or missionaries-but don't tax the
genial herb. And, dear Mn. Low. in Oxford days you must have
been open to soft influences-let us grow our own baccyy, and then we
will supply you with select Regalias, or better still, with cigarettes on
FuN paper, so that you may read priceless poems while you take in
your Nicotine!

WHY does the Cockney's H resemble a dagger ?-'Ush! because t's
a stiletter.





ii--'


00

























A PLEASANT RECEPTION.
THE Chancellor of the Exchequer received the deputation with his accustomed courtesy."- Vide Papers.
w r .,. -, .. .. .. .. .,









FUN.


WHAT'S ON THE WALLS.
"THE New British Institution," which has just opened in Bond
Street, deserves the support of all artists and lovers of art. Its system
is admirably calculated to do away with the injustice, the partiality,
and the cliqueism, which in nearly every case are observable in our
Art-Exhibitions. The hanging committee is elected by contributors
of pictures, which ensures an element of fairness, and this is farther
guaranteed by the rule that neither committee, guarantors, or other
officials, have any exclusive privileges; while no exhibitor can show
more than two works. The first exhibition is, as might be expected, a
very good one, both British and foreign artists being well represented.
The pictures are all so excellent that it is invidious to mention any
specially, but we must draw attention to MR. WALLIS'S Bluebells."
MR. Mc'CA nxm has a fine study of cedars, and Mn. AncHnR shows a
charming picture of a child My Grandfather."
The Dudley Gallery offers a forcible contrast to the Exhibition.
The first sensation it inspires on one's entrance is disgust. Every
available bit of wall from cornice to cocoa-nut mat is crowded with
pictures,fthe honours of the line being reserved for the school, whose
members muster strongly on the committee. What object is aimed at
in thus over-hanging the capabilities of the gallery it is difficult to
see, unless by multiplying the chances of sales it is intended to increase
the petty profits of commissions. The joy with which our shilling
was hailed by an official leads us to conjecture that filthy lucre is not
despised at the Dudley Gallery, and.we cannotsee how art is benefited
by crowding, that simply wearies the spectator and does injustice to
good pictures. Among the artists whose pictures will go far to repay
one for visiting a gallery so unpleasantly arranged are MESSRS.
BRENNAN, HE KOMER, H. MOORE, O'CoNcon, E. G. DALZIEL, and A.
MACAILuM. There are some good pictures, too, by some of the well-
known painters on the committee, but.we need not to specify them, as
they are so placed as not to be in danger of being overlooked.
The spring exhibition at the Old Bond-street Gallery is much in
advance of the last. There is still a tendency to hang the committee's
pictures in the best places, which always deprives a gallery of much of
its merit in, our eyes. The oil-paintings number several excellent
works among them. Mn. BOUGHTON, MR. BARNES, MR. ROBERTS,
Ma. LIDDEBDALE, and M WYLLIE exhibit pictures of great merit, and
MR. LEwis and Mn. KENNEDY are well represented, while MR.
SMALLPIELD'S "Bridesmaids" may almost claim "first mention."
Among the water-colourists, MR. BRIGHT distinguishes himself by a
clever caricature The Frogs and the Stork," and MESSRS. GRIFFITHS,
E. G. DALZIEL, WARING, and ROBERTSON, contribute noteworthy
pictures.
The "Society of Female Artists" is to be congratulated on the stride
in art which its present exhibition shows beyond its predecessors.
There are good names in the catalogue, distinguished in general exhi-
bitions, and even the unknown artists among the ladies seem to have
profited by study and practice since the gallery was last opened.
On Saturday week the'Langham Club gave its second conversazione,
which was largely attended. The pictures exhibited were those going
into the British Artists' Exhibition, and gave promise of a good display.

Bound in Calf.
HERr is a touching bit of affection:-
A Russian poet has got far ahead of most of his contemporaries, as he has not
only been able to dedicate a volume of poems to his mistress, but tp furnish the
binding from his own person. Having had a leg amputated, he devoted- the
epidermis to the embellishment of his rhymes.
The ingenuity of the lover is great. He uses, with the contrariness of
true passion, his hide as the means to reveal his love !

Sheer Absurdity.
THREE youths were brought before the Nottingham magistrates
charged with rioting on the polling-day at the late election. They
were only fined a guinea each. The Bench should have fleeced them
more heavily if these lambs are to be prevented from growing up
into "black sheep."

The Wrong Tap.
A POICEMAN named Cox has been fined for allowing himself to be
treated to gin at a public-house by a man whom he had threatened to
summon. The police authorities evidently hope to put a check on the
force's drinking at taps by turning off Cox.

DESERVES A BASTING.
No wonder that tailors make so many bad debts, their customers
are constantly "trying it on."

WHAT the gudewife should have-Plenty of pin-money, no ali-
mony.


A POET'S DREAM OF SPRING.
THE Spring has come (it comes in March P)
As it has come a thousand times,
It stirs the young buds on the larch
(Or ought to do, for that word rhymes).
It stirs the poet too-I'm bound
In most impassion'd verse to sing,
To write an epic most profound,
Or else some little lyric thing.
For I'm a poet, if I'm not,
No other man deserves the name,
With inspiration made quite hot
I feel my mighty temples flame.
And wondrous words of beauty rare
Would flow, if I could but begin;
My ribald comrades will declare
It isn't genius-but gin!
That is a libel foul, though I
Do not disdain the social glass;
Who lets decanters pass him by,
And drinks not, is a churlish ass.
But your poor poet never takes
More wine than leads to gentle joy,
His noble head-piecenever iches,
His mild potations never cloy.
The glass-but Pegasus must stop,
And I must like a warbler sing,
On tall trees or the chimney.top,
My most poetic dream of spring.
'Tis strange that when the poet thinks
Of mild warm seasons of the year,
He has a dream of cooling drinks,
Of claret-cup or well-iced beer.
0 spring, delicious spring,,my thought
Flies far among thy sprouting trees;
Yet stay, I scarcely think I ought
To mention it, but days:like these,
That change from warmth to cold, will make
The poet entertain a doubt
'What small restorative to take--
"Hot with" ? or is it cold without" ?


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
WHAT is the peculiar attraction consumption possesses for actresses ?
Why is the attraction heightened when the physical is combined with
moral disease ? Answers to these questions would explain the
numerous appearances made in as many versions of the .Dame aum
Camdlias, which certainly do seem mysterious enough. The last
aspirant for honours as the young lady of the loose life and the tight
cough, is a MDLLE. LOUISE MOODIE, who appeared last week in a
very washed-out version of the Traviata, entitled Camille, at the Royal
Alfred. MDILL. MOODIE, who hails from the" States," is an actress of
undoubted powers- but although she coughs like life, for which she has
our deepest sympathy, we must confess to a very strong desire tosee
her in a part in which she may appear in the enjoyment of rude
health, when both her beauty and her talents would probably show to
greater advantage.
It is recorded that when TOM SHERoa AN asked for twenty pounds to
go down a coal mine, his father advised him to say he had been down,
and save his money. To any youth of the present day with a like
ambition we would say, go to the Surrey, and then you will be able
not only to say you've been, but to describe all about it to. any
inquisitive sceptic, as MR. SYDNEY'S drama, Light in the Dark, which, be
it said, is very exciting and very well acted, is as full of detail on all
matters connected with coal mines as the report of a Government
inspector. It is natural enough that the coal mine should be produced
at a theatre governed by a Yorkshire PIT(T).

Not to be Plucked.
THE Press Association having a crow to pick with the Postal
Telegraph bungling have gone back to the old system, and have
selected carrier pigeons in preference to official geese. This is a foul
disgrace to the Post-office I

A LEGAL POINT.
WHEN a case is said to lie in a nutshell, it ought to be decided in a
crack.


In


MARCH 19, ,1870.]









22 FU N (MARCH 19, 1870.


TYPES OF THE THOROUGHFARES.
No. 8.-WHITECHAPEL.
EASTWAuD HO! From the West-end to Whitechapel is a change, so
we will try it. Eastward ho by all means. The East sounds
romantic, oriental, and that sort of thing. But the East, only so far
East as Whitechapel, is not particularly romantic, and the only strictly
oriental features about it are the hooked noses on the face of the
somewhat numerous Israelites, who belong to that quarter. No, the
East-end is neither romantic nor picturesque-not picturesque in its
squalor even-as one expects of Eastern scenes. Indeed, if the East
from which they came was anything like this, the Wise Men one has
heard about (and one hears of wise men oftener than one meets with
them) most decidedly forfeited their character for wisdom when they
went back to it!
Yet Whitechapel has its quaintness and its peculiarities, which
render it interesting to the visitor. It is in an odd way inter-
penetrated with a salt flavour-the twang of the sea, due to the neigh-
bourhood of the docks and the 'long-shore haunts of the sailor. Yet
there is a decidedly "land" flavour about it, that makes this lurking
marine element seem incongruous. The only thing to which one can
compare such a strange maritimo-terrestriality, is the place SHAKESPEARE
speaks of in the Winter's Tale-" the sea-coast of Bohemia," at which,
as far as we can ascertain, no one has ever succeeded in touching,
unless it be CAPTAIN FRISWELL, Of the good ship Gentle Life, who
reported his discovery to the Admiralty-no, not the Admiralty, the
Atheneum.
There's a hay-market in the place, too! It has nothing in common
with the Haymarket at the West End, where the flesh that is grass is
the only approach to hay that one ever meets with. There is no
meretricious splendour about the East End hay-market, but the
genuine commodity that is sold there brings odours of the country, and
makes an oasis in the dirty desert. Where you can smell hay you are
somehow not utterly divorced from rural delights.
The inhabitants of the region are strangely diversified. There's the
"rough." There's no mistaking him, or that sneaking fellow beside
him-the thief. The latter finds the former useful as a jackal.
Where the roughs are the thieves gather. At Hyde Park in the days
when the RT. HoN. SPENCER WALPOLE-


Wept for the hour
When to West End bower
The roughs beyond the Tower
With a vast row came,
the thieves followed the roughs and reaped a harvest. One can under-
stand why these then are neighbours. But what brings the blue-
bodied, blood-boltered butcher here ? What has he in common with
the sprinkling of Jack-tars ?-andwhathas our friend the Israelite to do
here, with the same type of countenance-despite the scattering of
the race through all lands-that one sees depicted in the interior of
the Pyramids, in the portraits of JosEPH's contemporaries. People,
by the way, are apt to attribute this strange perpetuation of the
national type to a wrong cause-they speak of the nation as an exclu-
sive people, whereas it was the exclusiveness of the nations among
whom it was scattered that really preserved the type-and small
wonder, when we remember the Ghetto and the yellow robe, the pelting
of the populace and the oppression of the noble.
But our friends of Whitechapel have turned the tables now-these
keen gentlemen hanging about the remote East, prey upon the sailor,
and drive a pretty good business with the Gentiles generally, in the
neighbourhood of the docks.
What was the white chapel which gave the place its name ?-some
one has borrowed our TiBms, and it's no use our doing the bold and
inventing a chapel-we should be caught out to a moral. Besides,
what has the mould of antiquity to do with modem days. The types
of thoroughfares are not taken from the fount of the Middle Ages, or
set up in the form of the Past.
Farewell then, sweet Whitechapel! When next we visit thee-but
never mind.

Caught!
AN enthusiastic cricketer of our acquaintance sternly declines to be
vaccinated, on the ground (Kennington Oval, we believe) that he
should be ashamed to miss anything that it was possible to catch.

A QUESTION FOR HERALD'S COLLEGE.
Is it correct to address a Companion of the Bath as Your Wash-
up ?"








MARCH 19, 1870.] F N .23


THADY DELANY ON THINGS IN PARTICULAR.
171, Little Pulteney-street, Soho. W.
EAR SIR,-When I began ritin to you I nivur that you'd
foind me out, an whin I kept on at it I felt shurer than evur,
but awl the time whilst I was making' the young ladies laugh
till their eyes were like the bright big dhrops av dew on the
flowers in May I was coggin- if you know what that manes-out ov
MISTHra O'MILLER.'s book 'av jokes that he rote, but wus never
printed fur raysons best known to himself. But ye dinno how I loath
it. 'Tis meself that'll be afthur tellin ye in about as long as wouldd
take a fox to throw a gandher ovur his shoulder. I was goin' home
from the master's house in Aytin Square-oh, thin I'll nivir forget
the aytin' and drinking' I see in that place-well, when I wus walking'
along, says I to myself, I want a glass av whisky awful badly and
divil a hapinny I have in my breeches pocket no more than a high-
landhur. An just as if 'twas to make game of me, there wus wan av
thim omnibus conductors-and their manners is what I'd sware they
nivur got thim medals they wore round their necks for-shoutin out as
if the Fanyans bate the Royal troops, The Bank-The Bank! just
as if he knew that I wasn't worth a thraneen. Well, begor, I was
so tired and dbry that I didn't know what to do whin I see the three
golden balls that's ovur the pawnbrokers' shops. Shure I hear a
fellow Eayin' wan day that there wos three ov 'em bekase 'twas two
chances to wan if anything that wint in there ud evur kum out again;
but be the powers if -they had a ball for every chance, they'd be as
much goold on the outside av um as ud make a soord fur the Lord
Leftinant. Well, now, I was goin' to say I wanted a drop av sperits, so
in I walks as brave as if I was a granadeer and says I, What you'll
give me for that What-is it, says he, I'll give you sixpence. 'Tis
MIsTHEn O'MIIER's lectures, says I, an' 'tis worth a pound.
Arrah, thin, ye simpleton, says he, I could get plenty av 'em for tup-
pence a piece, they aren't like poplar works that's much read at awl.
Well, nivur mind, says I, I'll know the place again; so I got the money
and away I wint. Whin I kum to the first public house in I walks as
indipin dint as a sheriff's offisur, and says I to the man behind the coun-
thur I want a glass av whiskey. Three or four, says he. Well, thin,
you fat headed croaghadhore, says I, don't you think wan glass av
sperits is enough at a time for a dasint man. Oh, says he, that's not
what I mane, do you want thruppincea worth or fourpince worth-I
beg pardon, says I, I that ye wor- having a rise out av me bekase I
don't spake Inglish like the ownsihuks over here- on I trots as gay as
a grasshopper for the glass av whisky ruz the cockles av my heart
'till I kum to what I that was a big church wid a clock on the top av
it that was freckled awl ovur just as if it was afthur havin' an attack
of the mayzles. What place is that says I to a peeler. The House av
Communs, says he, sharp as if I wus goin' to stale his batten. Begor,
says I, I'll thry and get in and see what they're goin' to do wid
O'DoNovAw RossA. So in I walks through a big gate wid a lot av
lamps over it that looked as if they had bandages on 'em for a sore
throat, till I kum to a big door. Begor, at fursth I was afraid to go
in for 'twas awl the wurld like the door of a Protistant church, but,
says I,-the Catholic members must go in so I made up as much av me
mind as I generally have about me since I kum to London. Oh, thin,
ye shud see the big hall as they kawl it-everything is a hawl in this
place-begor, it was the finest place I ever see in awl me born days for-
thrashin' what. Up I walks to a peeler as bravely as if I had sowld
me vote fur a five pound noat and says I thryin to talk in an Inglified
way, What are they doing' wid O'DoxovAN ROSSA, says I. Oh, says
he, 'twon't come on for some days. The Prime Minister has only
given notice av motion about him. What the divil has a ministhur
to do wid him, says I, that's as good a Catholick as ever broke bread,
an ye can't make a fool av me, says I, for I that he was another av
the gibin' divarthurs, I know, says I, that there's no such thing as a
notice av motion except thim time tables at the railway stations. Thin
I wint up through another hall where there was a lot av images
looking most unkumfortable, an if there wasn't light in the place you
might think that they wor the ghosts av the Irish mimburs that was
made lords and jukes for selling' their country had come up to take a
peep at an honest Paddy.
I wint on but the flure was so slippery I was near brakin' me neck
half a dozen times, till I hum to a place whare there was a lot av
people standing' and talking. What's this place, say Ito a dasint-lookin'
man that was standing' near me P This is the lobby, says he. Well,
then, after that, says I, I must give up understanding' the names they
give things. What are they talking' about, says wan P-The Party
Processhuns Act, says another. What's that ? says the man that I
spoke to, and that was near wun of 'em. Oh, says he, the Party
Processhuns Act manes takin the young ladies down to supper. Then,
says he, thwisting up his mouth as if he was goin to whistle the Rakes
av Mallow, the Orangemin are the only people that ud vote for its
Re-peal, and he began to laugh as if he got some mimbur ov Parlia-
ment to brake his oath, and make a gaugur av wan av his gorsoons.
Divil a bit if I could understand them at all, at all. Couplin
that, says I, what are they goin to do with the Irish land? Oh,


says he, they're going' to introduce the Ulsthur custom. Begor,
says I, I hope they won't do that, the only Ulsthur custom I ever
hear of was about thim Oringemin fighting wid the Catholics in the
summer time about what they kawl the pious memory of that hook-
nosed Dutchman that kicked out his father-in-law and cared about as
much about religion as a paycock does about long divishun. Thin they
tould me whin the mimburs wor wawkin' about- That wan is going into
the smokin'-room, that wan is goin' to the tay room, that wan is goin' to
his club, that wan is goin' home to his dinner, and upon me sowl all of
'em that stayed in what they kawl the lobby, did nothing' whilst I was
there but ate currin buns and drink whiskey and wathur before a
counthur. Oh, thin, I began to wandhur how many was inside making'
the laws; 'twas meself that prayed that they'd nivur do any more
harm than that to would Ireland, and not go promising' they'd give us
the land and root us to the-soil and drive out the-middlemin and
afterwards lave us where we wor "Before O'CoSELL. wint in for
Clare as the would song says.
They say the Irish people is the Parlemint always troullin',
Why don't they let 'em set wan year at late in dear would Dublin.
Yours most obadyently,
THADY DELANY.

ABSTRACTION.
A POEM.
THE whistle shrilled warning, we entered the tunnel,
And darkness Cimmerian succeeded to light;
And I saw the red cinders flash fast from the funnel,
Like shot-stars that sweep down the dusk arch of night.
"And thus," I exclaimed, "through the'funnel of!Troitble
Does man, the express, rush devotedly on;
Nor cares, though unkindness the darkness may double
For him if the cinders of Hope shall have shone.
From the fire-box, his soul, incandescence they borrow,
And cheerful effulgence unceasingly cast;
And, just as the night brings the dawn of the morrow,
The' dear tunnel leads into daylight at last.
Then let him not fear, though the shadows grow deeper,"
But, thus as I mused, slowly halted the train,
A twist of my collar, a fist in my peeper,
And out jumped a thief with my watch and my chain.

Whips Creation !
IT is said that an offer of ten pounds was made the other day by the
managers of a literary institution to CALCEAFT, if he would come down
and lecture. He declined, saying literature was not his "line." The
managers ought to find their line in a rope's end I


Ssaltn i 4ff arrtmauiszxtz

[ We cannot return unaccepted f88. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
S. (Surbiton).-Thinks he could supply us on reasonable terms with six
or eight columns of comic copy weekly. We beg to decline his what-you-
may-columns.
THE MANIAC sends us a joke, as "a token of gratitude for many a 'side-
splitter.' We hope he does not hold us responsible for his becoming
cracked.
R. (Hexham).-The water measures of your Board of Health are not
the sort of Hexham-metres to interest the general public.
Cnss.-We smoke you!
J. W. (Birmingham).-We cannot undertake to answer such questions
here, but send stamped and addressed envelope and repeat the question.
MITCHELL B.-We cannot say that they suggest any reason for trying
again.
THanBDOMAY.-First of April!
ARTICHOKE.- Of the Jerusalem sort, we suppose, greatly admired by the
local ponies-on the birds of a feather-" principle.
Srzs (Harrow).-That harrowing old "head-scenter" joke again!
Spes must be the very abandoned Hope mentioned in Dante's Inferno.
H. H. (Lancaster-street).-Not quite up to the mark.
PATERFAMIIAS.-Thanks :-'twill do well!
Declined with thanks:-A. W., Manchester; G. M., Glasgow; Tiddloy-
wink; J. P. 0., Maida Hill; J. W.; C. P., St. George's road; A. G.,
Aberdan; B. B.; W. M. E., Weakdale; C. M., of Penzance; J. H. B.,
Clapton; Byron; D. F.; Echo: A. H. W. A, PortlandlPlace; W. M. C.,
Manchester; Perry Tonytis; F. C. D., Mile End, New Town; C. 0.,
Weston Super Mare; Alpha and Omega; Cyll L.; Alpha, City; Rachel
W.; Nonsensicalialis; Pesky Cuss; Caste Royle, Liverpool; An Anxious
Inquirer; J. W., Edinburgh; E. L., Chelsea; E,. W. Moretenhampstead;
A.B. C.







24 FU N [3MARcH 19, 1870.


EXTRAORDINARY INSTANCES OF INSTINCT IN A CAT.
Our Betty is Prepared to be Sworn to the Truth of the Following Particulars :-The extraordinary animal not only drinks the beer, and
wears her mistress's clothes in that lady's absence, but she has been known to convey candles, lard, and. other trifles to the marine stores.
She even gave a party once while the family was at the seaside, and is in the habit of smoking, drinking, and supping off the cold meat
in the kitchen late at night. We know that she killed the canary, but so gifted an animal could only have condescended to catch the bird by
putting salt on its tail!


CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
MARCH.
Belgravia is not remarkable for excellence in art this month. The
" Carnival in Madrid," by Ma. SALA, is an amusing sketch, and Ma.
TuNrna's "Golden Furrows" is a pleasant rattling legend in the
INooLDsBr mood. "Poet's Wives" is insufficient. The author of
" The Roses should have at least acknowledged his indebtedness to
the German.
We find it impossible to be critical with the number of the
University College School Miscellany which has just reached us, for did
we not make our own first plunge into literature in the pages of an
earlier series of this very periodical published in the year-well, never
mind the date! At any rate the little magazine shall have our best
wishes!
The St. James's is welcome with another instalment of MR. HANNAY's
amusing but rambling novel "Bisset's Youth." The portraits and
memoirs of clergymen and statesmen are good. But where is A
Life's Assize P "-we trust its absence does not mean that one of the best
of our female novelists is again laid up with illness.


The Food Journal is pleasant enough reading- good for the half hour
before dinner, if the dinner after the half hour is likely to be good.
The Westminster Papers maintain their excellence in all save
dramatic criticism. How can they stand up for such burlesques!
We have also received The Young Ladies' Journal, The Gentleman's
Journal, Le Follet, and The Carlow College and The Gardener's Alagazines.

A Free Translation.
To judge from the loud style of dress of the young men of the pre-
sent day we should imagine that they construe, Gaudeamus igitur
juvenes dum sumus "-" While we are young men let us be gaudy! "
Not a neat translation.

A ROW-LOCx-ING SONG.-" Did you ever hear tell of a Jolly Young
Waterman?"

Now Ready, FUpT, lVol. X., Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d., or free by post, 5s.
To be had of all Newsagents.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES,
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Publi, generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furnitrra, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the furnishing of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house. THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, 8.E.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: March 19, 1870.








MARCI 26, 1870.] F


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 159.
WE looked for many years on these
As what men deal in, now one sees
In that great western land where "rings "
Financial flourish (swindling things!)
That gentle creatures young and fair
At "rigging markets" are "all there."
1. I cut round about
A mark, bits came out,
And I found I'd a space in a plate,
It marked me my name,
So aloud I proclaim
This dodge, it's a good one, I state.
2. A lady she played, 'twas a tune I'd ne'er heard,
So lively and sparkling I give you my word,
That as soon as I heard it I spun like a top,
And danced till I swear I was ready to drop.
3. 0 blessed bivalve, far below
The shining waters fair you grow;
And ever neathh the snowy foam
You rest in this your early home.
4. A noble poem a great poet wrote,
About these people, and I've made a note
Which tells me their sad story, and, again,
How of the maiden fairer than Elaine,
The author who once faggotted his sticks
Wrote in some scenes-'twas either five or six.
5. It arew within my garden plot,
It flourished bright and green,
'Twas succulent within the pot,
And in my soup I ween.
6. You'll find this will come to a putting together,
A making of mixtures, a mingling, and whether
It means a compounding of drugs in due season,
Or arguing rightly, you use it with reason.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 157. Sabbath Trading:.
Stimulant, Anker, Baa, Bifold, Ami, Trepan, Hunting.
SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC No. 157, RECEIVED MARCH 16th, 1870.-
None correct.

GooD NA M Fon Ax EAnLY PRA.-The Don Quick- Policeman:-"
sort. Mary :-" No,


A SWEEPING CHARGE.
HERB YT ARE AGAIN, MARY, A-SWEEPING OUT THE 'ALL "
I AIN'T, HIMPERENCE I'M A-SWBEPIN' OUT THE dut !"


THE NOT NIMBLE NINEPENCE.
A vEYv sensible letter from a country postmaster in the Railway
R tord, on the system of Government Telegraphs, will open the eyes
of the public to the reason of te reason of the failures which have excited such
general discontent. It completely dissipates the storms which the
MAcQUIS OF HArTINGTON raised in the House, to mislead members as
to the cause of the almost universal break-down. "Wind and snow"
must be acquitted of any hand in the disastrous bungling, the com-
plete inability of the Post-office to do the work. To be sure the
nipping nature of the former may be traced in 'the pinching economy
of the Post-office, and the chill of the latter in the coolness of the
Department in expecting that the not overpaid subordinates all over
the country would get through the immense addition of unaccustomed
work with no better encouragement than was afforded by a conviction
that they would not get a penny for what they did.
Let us see what this particular postmaster has to tell! First of all
hiss house was invaded by the gentlemen who, withthhe regard for
one's furniture and comfort which all workmen display who are not
directly employed by one, set to work to affix the wires to the house;
said wires at once setting up a continuous low moaning, of which the
echo pervades the postmaster's style. Then his office is knocked about
without his being consulted, and he has to provide extra room and
extra gas without a penny compensation! Next clerks and lads are
introduced, for whose honesty he is responsible to the Department, to
which he is indebted for a first acquaintance with them! Further, he
has-and the hardness of this burden will be appreciated by those who
know what official documents are for style and perspicuity-to read a
small volume of instructions. In addition to this he has to keep all
the accounts of his ownand some affiliated offices, and to meet and pacify
the very numerous people who are dissatisfied with the Government
working of Telegraphs!
This is a summary of a few of his grievances, and if they have
occupied some space, we need not apologise to our readers, because his
profits will not require many lines to specify them. In fact, we
should not say "them"-" it" is all we want.


As a set-off to the expenses'and inconveniences we have named, the
postmaster's sole profits will be a per-centage on the increased sale of
stamps for telegraphic messages. He has computed the probable in-
crease, and it amounts to the noble sum of NINEPENCE A watK.
With such a vista of tremendous profits before them, with all the
expense they have been put to, and with a growing conviction, deduced
from experience, that the more new duties the Department imposes on
them the less money they will be paid, the postmasters have had an
inducement to master the novel work of the Telegrapk, about commen-
surate with the success that has attended the transfer from private
enterprise to Departmental penuriousness.
The British public, we fear, does not always insist that those who
do its work well shall be well paid, but we rather fancy if its work is
not done well because of the underpayment of the underpayment of those employed on it,
the bettering of the condition of the latter will be a consequence of an
insistence that the work shall be done well !
So the Post-office which, from a long habit of fiddling over penny
stamps, has acquired a penny-wisdom dangerously like folly, had
better wake. up to the fact that, while we will have no waste in public
offices we will have no shabbiness, or injustice. In fact, we will not
let St. Martin's-le-Grand be conducted as if it were a small chandler's
shop-still less as if it were modelled on the "sweating" workshops
exposed years ago in Alton Locke.

The Selfish Set.
IT is stated that at a "grand" ball, given by the bachelors of
Gateshead, in the new Town Hall, the room was devoid of all decora-
tion. A sufficient proof that none of the fair sex were present.

My Eye, and Henry-Martini!
THB range of the rifle may be a matter of supreme importance in
war, but in these "piping times of peace" the range of the ther-
mometer is to no inconsiderable portion of the population a matter of
life and death.


VOL. XI. C


02'











I;









FTUN.


[MAnRo 26, 1870.


FTUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 23rd, 1870.
x 4ieed make no apology for returning this week to a subject
which we touched upon in our last issue-the necessity for
Government's losing no time in beginning to build the New
Law Courts, in order to find employment for some, at least,
of the unwillingly-idle operatives of London.
We c6itiiat complain of sloth or inactivity on the part of Govern-
ment geinerally, fbr it'has not only undertaken, but made considerable
advance with, a number of useful measures. But while Ireland is
having justik dodie hbr, there is no need for England to starve. In
the multiplicity of'ttidir duties, ministers appear to have overlooked
a remedy for a crying evil-and one that can be readily applied. No
doubt there are coils'" ofred tape warehoused in the opeii space which
is to be the site of the New Courts. But it can and must be
removed. No obstacle can be allowed to impede so simple and effica-
cious a measure, and we feel sure the Premier has only to see the
need, and' orders will be given to put Labour at work on the courts.
We shall-listen anxiously for the clink of the trowel, and shall welcome
the rise of the scaffold poles, for we shall know'low many homes will
be fed, how many hearts cheered, and how Atuch evil prevented, by
the step we advocate.
WiTo wotld have believed a few years ago not that the Ballot would
be bituglAI forward by any Ministry, btit that any Ministry on the
reconmireridtion of any Committee would have taken the question into
consi&eratibn, or that any House would' have listened in as friendly a
spiritf'as'tlW.Aouse did when Mn. LkATHAM brought in his Bill for
second reading last week p SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH's splendidly
exhaustive arguments in favour of the Ballot have been the text-book
of its friends for years, but they failed, when spoken, to influence the
House; and the annual motionis'of 3)li&b rs, and of the late MI.
BERKELEY-who has died just as h saW the .:..rng'-titriu-ph of his.
favourite measure- have scarcely ever been r- nI:d s&riousWlv;
Now, we have the Postmaster-General, the member of one of our
oldest noble families, admitting his adhesion to the Ballot. We have
several more important Ministers on its sidb-old friends, some of them,
when they were in the cool shade beside the Ballot. Lastly, we have
the Conservatives even coming round to support it, not as a body, it is
true, but in detached parties.
We shall have the Ballot, therefore, if the signs of the political
horizon are to be depended upon. An election should follow on so im-
portant a change-- and what a different House we should have then!

ISky Taft VthIli;1iii Bjrxrln.
WE must not allow earth to close over the mortal remains of
WILLIAM BROUGH, whose facile pen has often brightened these
columns, without some record of our deep regret at his loss-as a
writer of such sterling merit-as a man of such amiable qualities.
He died on the 13th instant, at the too early age of forty-four, after
a lingering illness which had completely prostrated him for months.
Such is the cost paid for the writings which have given the public so
much hearty laughter, so much wholesome amusement-for, an
earnest and indefatigable toiler in his craft, WILLIAM BROUGH gave
the world no slipshod work, and his writings have no taint of coarse-
ness and vulgarity-on the contrary are marked by refinement, finish,
and elegance.
He was one of a family, gifted with genius no less than with those
personal qualities which have made the name of BROUGH as much
loved as admired. He leaves behind to deplore him a wife and several
children, for whom, should not his literary toil have achieved a suffi-
cient provision, we feel- sure sympathy of a solid and practical kind
will not be wanting at the hands of his literary brethren or of that
wider circle of his friends, the public.
The funeral, which was largely attended, took place on Friday last
at Nunhead Cemetery.

Parliamentary.
IN answer Io a question put by Mr. Mac Something, M.P. for the
Something Burghs, the Postmaster General did not state that there was
a special demand at the telegraph offices for a supply of Highland
clerks, on the Ecore of their being more wiry than mostpeople.

MOTTO FOR VELOCIPEDmSTS.-Where there's a wheel there's a way.


THE ALCHEMIST AND THE


Lu
-~


ARITHMETICIAN !
N alchemist lived in
olden time,
With his hey, ho,
Abracadabra!
He counted arithme-
tic fearful crime,
And he boiled down
equations to
numbers prime,
And skimmed off
the logarithmic
slime,
With his hey, ho,
Abracadabra I!


That twice two is five,
and twice five,
eight,
With his hey, ho,
Abracadabra!
He proved by work-
it out on a slate,
And he rapped with
the corner each
student's pate,
With his hey, ho,
Abracadabra!


COLENso, who wrote
*- an Arithmetic
book,
With his, hey, ho, Abracadabra!
He came at the sage to have a look,
And to hear such numerical heresy shook,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!


Quoth COLENSO, Twice two is undoubtedly four."
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
"I never have heard it wasfive before!"
And he burst out a-laughing; a regular roar,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
The naughty young gentlemen sitting in class,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
Thought the bishop had proved the professor an ass,
And; the word round the form they with glee quickly pass,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
But the alchemist wasn't so easily floored,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
At once in the school-room he silence restored
And over their costards his pupils he scored,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
And-then to His Grace of Arithmetic,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
He turned with a question, uncommonly quick,
"How many blue beans tp make four would you pick F "
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
"And," continued the sage, who was up to a lark,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
If you 'doubt twice two's five, will you let me remark,
That I've never doubted about NoAn's ark! "
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
So CorLaso retired amid general sniggers,
With his hey ho, Abracadabra!
And took a toy-ark with a number of figures,
In hopes of converting incredulous niggers,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
But, blesh you, the bishop was foiled in his whim,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!
For while he was enlight'ning their consciences dim,
The Zulus at last made a convert of him,
With his hey, ho, Abracadabra!


Cold Comfort.
OUn friend NIxKIs says the worst defence against the cold is a
shiver de freeze.

Too-RAL-RI-ToonAL.-The place to get up a chorus. The 'Ural
Mountains.







II F U IN ,-MAIICH 26, 1870. II


A SITE WE OUGHT NOT TO SEE.
Fun:-" NOW, MR. GLADSTONE, HERE ARE ALL THESE POOR FELLOWS WAITING FOR WORK. WHY DON'T YOU BEGIN THE LAW COURTS AT ONCE ?"


IF -UF --iN-' .-MARciEi 26, 181-0.


1


- I









FUN.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 80.-DAMON v. PYTHIAS.
-TWO better friends you wouldn't
pass
Throughout a summer's day,
SThan DAMON and his PYTHIAS,
Two merchant princes they.
At school together they contrived
All sorts of boyish larks;
And, later on, together thrived
As merry merchants' clerks.
^And then, when many years had
flown,
They rose together, till
They bought a business of their
own--
And they conduct it still.
They loved each other all their lives,
.. Dissent they never ltew,
And, stranger still, their Very wives
Were rather friendly too.
Perhaps you think, to serve my ends,
These statements I refute,
When I admit that these dear friends
Were parties to a suit.
But 'twas a friendly action, for
Good PYTHIAS, as you see,
Fought merely as executor,
And DAMON as trustee.
They laughed to think, as through the throng.
Of suitors sad they past,
That they, who'd lived and loved so long,
Should go to law at last.
The junior briefs they kindly let
Two sucking counsel hold;
These learned persons never yet
* Had tasted suitors' gold.
But though the happy suitors two
Were friendly as could be,
Not so the junior counsel who
Were earning maiden fee.
They too, till then, were friends. At school
They'd done each other's sums,
And under Oxford's gentle rule
Had been the closest chums.
But now they met with scowl' and grin
In every public place,
And often snapped their fingers in
Each other's learned face,


It almost ended in a fight
When they on path or stair
Met face to face. They made it quit
A personal affair.
(Enthusiastically high
Your sense of legal strife,
When it affects the sanctity
Of your domestic life.)
And when at length the case was called
(It came on rather late),
Spectators really were appalled
To see their deadly hate.
One junior rose-with eyeballs tense,,
And swollen frontal-veiis,
To all his powers of eloquence
He gave the fullest reins:
His argument was novel-for
A verdict, he relied
On blackening the junior
Upon the other side.
"Oh," said the judge at Westminster,
The matter in dispute
To arbitration pray refer-
This is a friendly suit."
And PYTHIAS, in merry mood,
Digged DAMON in the side;
And DAMON, tickled with the feud,
With other digs replied.
But oh! those deadly counsel twain,
Who were such friends before,
Were never reconciled again,
They quarrelled more and more.
At length it happened that they met
On Alpine heights one day,
And then they paid each other's debt-
Their fury had its way.
They seized each other in a trice,
With scorn and hatred filled,
And falling from a precipice,
They, both of them, were killed.


t w


Fiat Experimentuim.
THE correspondent of a contemporary, who threw out some sugges-
tions, which he thought the Legislature might "lick into shape," is
reminded of the old maxim let experiments be essayed on worthless
bodies." Let him submit himself to the process.

What a Cow-hidea !
WE regret to see that English actresses have so far adopted
American practices as to cowhide an editor at Chicago. We prefer to
have English girls whip creation "-and its lords-in the figurative
sense only.*
S* Our boy (now in the Remove) says that Miss' TaouisoN has a classical pre-
cedentfor assuming the masculine, for HORACe addresses a lady as Lydia Dic(k)."


* Mis' a 2']. l~7O.1









FUNT.


[MACH 6, 1870.


---\ ------A-


I ,,. -
t .t-...--?=- -



A


QUITE CLEAR.
It is DB Courey's boast that he will "go over a fence with any one. We should be very sorry to go over with him under these eircurnstances !


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
FEBRUARY.
IT is flattering to think that it is due to the fact that in England
magazines are many, and in America few, that we are flooded with
verse (and bad at that), while the A'lantic Monthly presents us with
poetry. "Balder's Wife and Even-Song" are things we don't get
here once a twelvemonth, with all our magazines! "A Romance of
Real Rife" is capital, and so is the paper on "Adventurers and
Adventuresses." But indeed the whole number is excellent.
Our Young Folks has some amusing jingle by MR. LEAR, who must
be the American cousin of the author of the Nonsense Book. The story
of The little girl who would not pick up a pin is deeply instructive,
and there is a good description of Congress."
Like the Atlantic, the vigorous Overland Monthly gives us two poems.
"Daisy is beautiful in simplicity of one sort, Chiquita is lifelike
in simplicity of another sort, the latter being, we suspect, by MR. F. B.
HARTE, now known to be the author of "The Luck of Roaring
Camp," which, with other stories from his pen, is to be shortly
republished, we are glad to see, by MEssus. FIELDS AND OSGOOD. MR.
HARTE is destined to fill that gap in the ranks of American literature,
which was left by HAWTHoRNE's death. The other contents of the
magazine are excellent.

First Fruits.
THE feeling of depression consequent on the appointment of the Rt.
Hon. A. S. AnRTON to the office of First Commissioner of Works is
taking root. There is in the Sub-Tropical Garden in Battersea Park
a melancholy looking shrub with the official label-" Funkia Sub-
cordata."

Pot and Kettle.
MR. CABLYLE, accused by some noodles of Hartlepool of being a
Pantheist, replies curtly to an enquiry if the charge be true, "No, never
was; nor a Pot-theist either." We never suspected him of sympathy
with the pan-but really he has perpetually been calling all and
sundry kettles very bad names.


AN ODE TO BOZ.
SoME Canard-hatcher, reckoning on his chickens,
Has laid an egg-
A paragraph in short
Of such a sort,
That I-although without your leave-must beg
To give it contradiction, MR. DICKENS !
He says you are to be created knight-
A degradation quite-
A fitting end for mayors and all such cattle,
No longer a distinction won in battle.
Why who-(my rage, my circulation quickens)-
Who would consent Sir Anything to be
When he
Could keep the prouder title, plain CHARLES DICKENS"
Nor should he barter that to be a bart-
Why, bless my heart!
No Baron peerage-Marquis, Duke, or Viscount,
Would I count
As a distinction that could mate-that's poz-
With Boz!
The simple dignity of such a name,
With its estates in love, regard, and fame,
For no high title-high as Salisbury steeple-
Will Boz, I fancy, swop-
But wisely stop
The one CHAILEs DICKENS of the English people.

Summing Him Up.
AN accountant reminds one of a cucumber-frame-constantly
engaged in "bringing forward."


THE REAL CENTRAL CRIMINAL CoURT.-Conscience.


1 32


32








MAnCo 26, 1870.] FUJN. 33


MrsW.s Nawu In Things in *lo-ral+

THE DIVORCE COURT.
SAYS to BRowN, "Don't you read me no more about it, for it's
my opinion that if she ain't mad she did ought to be." Ah,"
says BROWN, "no doubt she'll be in 'er confinement for life."
Law," I says, "never, as they couldn't do it more than a month,
as I 'ave knowed parties down stairs in a fortnight though some won't
never quite shake it off under two months without change of air, as is
always a risk partickler if a boy, as is always more difficult to rare
than a gal, and might take cold a-changin' of 'is bed."
Says BROWN, Oh, do dry up, and don't go on a-jaggerin' with your
monthly nuss talk like that." I says, "I wish Mb BROWN as you'd
drop them wulgar Yankee saying's, as wouldn't like to see me wither
up like a leaf as perishes; and as to sneerin' at monthly nurses, I
should like to know where you'd be, or your children either but for
the care took on you in the month; for what with thrush and over-
feedin' through making' too free with the bottle, there's a-many goes off
in conwulsions, let alone them as is overlaid before the month is out."
Says BROWN, "Do you mean to 'ear any more ornot?" Wet," I
says, "Ire should like to 'ave a little talk over it, for I can't bring
myself to believe as any lady, as is a lady bred and born, wou ld-fot
like that."
"Why," says BROWN, she says they're all bad alike." Then," 'e
says, "she must be mad to say that, for howeverr can she tell what
others does, though, no doubt, she's up to her own wicked ways."
SWell," says BROWN, "I think they'd better make her mad if she
aint, and get rid on it." I says, MR. BROWN, if them's your senti-
ments, oI hopess as you won't never set on me for jury, not but what I
remember s poor MR. PETERS t as were off 'er 'ead entire when 'er
FRED were born, and would make out as he were a.son of GEORGE THE
THIRD, as died the yea afore her mother was married, and as to fancyin'
all manner, why it's as common as 'edge stakes, as the saying is, in
the fust week for never shall I forget MRS. BUn LIT, as wouldn't
believe as she were lawfully married, and tore BurPIT's face with 'er
nails, caln' 'im a wile deceiver, and wanted 'er own mother to smother
the infant with a mop and pail like the-kittens."
Says BROWN, "It's a pity as you don't go up to the court and give
the judge and jury a leg up." I says, MR. BROWN, when you sees
me a-forgettin' myself with anybody you may tell me on it, but don't
insiniwate as I'm one for to make free with no judge nor jury neither,
as would speak the truth even if I 'ad to kiss the book to do it."
Well," says BROWN, they're a-goin' to suppener tib PiNCec or
WALEs." Well, then," -I says, "more shame for em, and whatever
will 'is Royal ma say ? as in course will 'ave to try 'im herself cos in
course he can't be tried by any but a equal, not by a common jury, for
all the world like a coaster "
Says BROWN, He will be, though." I says, "Do you mean to say
as they're a-goin' to dare to ask 'im them impident questions." Yes,"
says BROWN, they'll give it 'im 'ot when they get's him in the wit-
ness box."

the Tower, and she'd do it precious quick, a-darin' for to think as her

opinion if he was to go on like that, she'd 'ave 'im out off with a
ahillin', and never get not even 'arfn-a-crown."
Says BROWN, "She couldn't keep 'im, out of his rights." I says,
"Oh, couldn't she tho', do you believe if she was to say to Parlyment,
'He aint no child of mine,' they wouldn't send him to Australier or
let 'im go and be king over the ere rykins as likes them divorce ways;
and 'as regular days for divorcing them as wre a they've married a day or
two before."
Well, BROWN he kep' on a-readin' bits, hods and hends like, as I
didn't give much attentions to thro' bein' busy a-trinmmin' a cap. But
at last he says, "'Ere it is mother."
I says, "'Ere what is ? "Why," he says, "the Prince 'ave been
examined to day and will be in the papers to-morrer."
"And in course scorns the amputation," says I, "as in duty bound;
for let alone the lady there's a royal ma as would raise a pretty how
d'ye do if she thought as he were capable of forgetting' of 'isself, as in
course she couldn't trust about the place with all them maids of owner ,
tho' in course bein' maids of ownerr would act as sich, partickler with a
prince as 'is intentions is always 'onerable in course." BROWN he
give a grunt, and says, Bosh."
I says, Whatever do you mean P He says, "Why,.its a. regular
farce 'avin' the Prince there at all."
"Yes," I says, "that's what I says, and they did ought to be
ashamed of theirselves, and been quite satisfied with them pretty letters
as he'd been and wrote, as was that beautiful about the Princess 'avin a
little gal, and them muffin-teas as that lady 'adbeenand.made for 'im,
as in course feels chilly like the rest on us."
Well, while we was a-talkin' over it in -who should come but MIss
PILKINGToN, as is livin' out by Nottjn'-'ill, so in course knows all about


the fashionables, thro' a-workin' in the bonnet line for a shop in the
Hedgeware-road, where all the nobility deals, and they do say as
QUEEN WICTORIA herselff stared werry 'ard at the window as 'ad the
widders' bonnets and weeds in it; and quite wonderful the prices, as in
course would please her throw' bein' such a one for the good of trade.
Well, MIss PILKINGTON she was that all of the PRINcc or WALES's
goin's on, a-sayin' as she know'd this, and she know'd that, with lots
of nods and winks, till at last BROWN says, I tell you what it is, you
swell milliners at the West End seems to know more than you did
ought to aboutprinces."
Miss PILKINOTON she give a little larf like, and says, "Oh, MR.
BROWN, 'ow you do go on," a-pretendin' to be shocked, and then goes
on for to say. as she'd seen 'im scores of times in 'ansoms as 'ad always
looked-that 'ard at her as she were obliged to turn 'er 'ead away.
Well," I says, "I'm sure if he never does wuss than that, no ono
can'b blame 'im." "Oh," says she, .Ohe've got a worry artful smile."
I says No wonder," for I'm sure 4e must 'ave smiled if he'd ketchod
;sight of 'er, for of all the old figgers of fun it was 'er, as will dress
heighten at height-and-forty, under 'ung and a swivel eye.
"O4,"-she says, it's dreadful bad the way as them young swells i
,goes on,. as 'ave made many a poor..gal's 'art ache, as I well knows,"
tand if she didn't take and wipe her eye.
-So both BROWN and me bust out a-larfin' as regular put her out, and
-She .gays, "Oh, I see you'reJike the rest of the world a-sidin' with
1ttm. as is riohg, and a-tramnlin' on the-poor. 'Ab," she says, "and .it's
all werry fine for to talk about judge, and juries, but I should like to
see'.ow they'd 'ave treated him'if he had -been, a poor man; and;" she
says, "it's my opinion as thehpAystooracy.isthe cuss of the country."
I says, "Don't go to put yourself out of the way about the harrysto-
cracy, as is only jest like theirrneighbours, for there's good and bad
of .sl-sorts, only the trouble Mrith them 'upper crust parties is their
'avin' nothing' to do; but as toihatthes.iwLAPr MORDINT let's 'ope as
she's mad."
"Oh," says Miss PILKINOTOni-"4he's::iad,and like the rest on 'em,
as she've let it out as every ladygoes -nass bad as 'er." "Then," 1
says, "more shame for 'emguan4for her tobe told not as it's ladies as is
the only ones for to forget mnslves, 'for I've know'd them as was
tradesmen wives qujtes.h-,,daswdih sses,' and as to the men, I'm sure
no 'BINcaE OF WAnEBS never couldn't tbe wuss than old PULrORD, the
chia bly-sweep, as 'ad morals forto contaminatee a tap-room, and as to
young SasNTON, the porkmauns eon, he were obligated to lewant or
penal servitude was 'is potion, and I'm sure as to a lot of milliner's
gals and sich like it's all their own faults if they gets into trouble thro'
a-talkin' to lords, for they did ought to ]mknow as they're no company
for them young swells, as never means 'onerable, and why should
they ?"
Oh," says Miss PILKINGTON, I've know'd parties myself as 'avo
married the nobility." I says, Over the left." That regular put 'or
out, and she got 'uffy, and wished me a good evening' quite short like.
(To be Continued.)


'Usfatom t .(La ortaapitatis

[We cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do .not hold ourselves
responsible.for loss.1
THE author of what he describes as a somewhat obscure" joke, must
share its obscurity.
C. P. (Dublin).-We cannot for the life of us see your joke, and we,
therefore, submit it to our readers-'f Name for a Nineveh Bull-Mose in
Egitto." We shall be grateful to any one who can explain your bull-
unless it is a very Irish one.
Q. (Limehouse).-Says that he supposes "the only introduction he needs
is brains "-quite so, but won't he find it easier to get an ordinary note of
introduce, ion V
BAi DIn sends us a song which he describes as.a "catching little thing."
We don't see that it is catching-it looks to us more like a case of Decline
-with thanks.
SUBscRIBEB.-As the "joke" did not appear in our columns, you must
excuse our declining to explain it.
J. A. S. (Bermondsey).-Don't call things by their wrong names. What
is a brochure ?',
F. A. J. (St. James's-square, Edinburgh).-We do not insert indelicate
conundrums.
0. Y. (Wine Office Court).- Oh, why send them to us, when they don't
agree with our views ?
Declined with thanks:-B. B.; .Hoist ahead; J. D., Westminster;
Jolly Ginger; G. 0., Lichfield; 0. S. G., Kensington; C. P., Strand;
B.; Tyro; W. J. 0., Everton; S. D.; J. B., Glasgow; A Moor; Tottle;
J. G. 0., Spring Gardens; J. G.; F..J. N. M.; H. S., Liverpool; A. F.,
Honiton; F. B., Liverpool; W. H. P., Gloucester; Diddle-um; G. Mc,
Camberwell; Saxon; F. A. D.;-F. J.; F. A., Lower Broughton; N. D.,
Kingsland; F. S. T.; Wheedle; The Curious Cuss; J. W.; Americanus
Simplex; P. P.; F., Dalston; Next-door; F. G.; Pe'lmelly; Quince;
,S. S.; Imperturbable.







341 FUN. [MARCH 26, 1870.


____A MODEL FATHER.
I HAvE a wife, I'm quite aware
"-- -- ~ That's nothing new, most men have wives,
But it's a fact that's far more rare,
We led the happiest of lives.
She waited on me, every whim
Was gratified, she lived to please,
And from each morn till day grew dim
A PI lived completely at my ease.
A modest competence was mine,
A pleasant store of worldly pelf,
I had my comforts and my wine,
I spent a good deal on myself.
aMy wife assisted, she would go
And get the unexpected treats,
She knew, I'd always told her so,
Man's love depends on what he eats.
So time went on, until one day
I found myself a father, then
I had the one thing, so you'll say,
To make me happiest of men.
Alas, that infant, though a child
You'd call engaging, was a bore,
And I continually was riled,
To find that I was first no more.
M-y wife, instead of feeding me
With dainties fed that squalling thing,
She'd every luxury, beef-tea,
Corn-flour, and rusks and chicken wing.
I found my comfort going fast,
"Papa" was only number two,
Dear baby number one- at last
I settled that it would not do.
So one day when mamma was out,
I took that infant in my arms,
The little thing began to pout
(I own she had some childish charms).
The water-tub was full, the lid
I raised, and (we were all alone)
SPORTING PROSPECTS. I gently drowned the little "kid,"
SCT Snow my comforts are my own.
Finnigan (to Murphy):-"So, THAT'S THE NEW LANDLORD, M IOK. E-
GORSA, IT'LL BE AS HARD TO SHOOT HIM AS A JAOtK-NIPE! A PAIR OF PINcERS.-Frost and East Wind.

POET AND PUBL SIMPLETON paces his gloomy three-pair,
POET AND PUBLISHER. And thinks about taking his life:
YOUNG SIMON DR SIMPLETON hath a top floor While PUFFINGTON, snug in his easy arm-chair,
As eastward as east can he : Plays a two-dummied whist with his wife.
Of dress and provisions he owns little store, He reflects that the press and the popular tongue
For a poet of soul is he. Say that SIMON is clever, though still rather young
In pathos and passion he never doth fail, But he drives poor DE SIMPLETON Out of his head,
But all the week round hath a weep or a wail: And, igniting his candle, he trots offto bed.
Though naught it a-waileth, he quaintly doth say, For, oh, dear, oh! The though and the crow
While he only writes two or three epics a-day. Have-gone where old PUFFINGTON means to go !
For, oh, dear, oh No bard can crow,
If he finds his expressions of woe don't go Doubtful.
Sly PUFFINGTON sits in his little back room, CAN this be true ?-
And a publisher proud is he: A Liverpool milkman, named Boordman, was on Thursday fined 100 for having
From thence after dinner is wafted the fume an illicit still on his prem
Of a something he takes before tea. Are the police quite sure that the still was for the manufacture of
His clerks in the shop only whisper and stare spirits ? May it not be some new American patent for extracting milk
When young SIMON nDE SIMPLETON droppeth in there: from aqua puinpaginis?
And tell him once more, as he's often been told,
That they don't think his last little epic has sold. Cutting.
But, oh, dear, oh! Young SIMON doth know OFFICIALs connected with the Navy yards say that the Government
That his poem hath had a tremendous go has established a new series of "docks" at the Admiralty.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Publihe generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHINQ of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Boom, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: March 26, 1870.








Aprai 2, 1870


'-1


FUN.


35


NEW!
Tn Bulletin de la Sociitd d' Acclimatation contains an article
n the wue of the skins of the kangaroo for glove-making, which
k.Cit.s w promise a successful result in this respect, and as fur-
r-anme a new source of animal food, as these animals thrive well
ja Lar..p.- Daily Paper.
COME, housewives all, the tidings greet,
In ordering dinners something new-
A novelty in beasts to eat-
The kangaroo-the kangaroo!
Oh, beef and mutton, mutton, beef!
Incessant boil, and bake, and stew!
A change at last, oh, glad relief!
The kangaroo-the kangaroo!
The beast-and thereby hangs a tail-
Supplies with beatific glue
Such soup-that turtle e'en turns pale,
By kangaroo-by kangaroo!
A different dinner cooks oft wish
For every day, the whole year through:
They've now for Leap Year's extra dish
The kangaroo -the kangaroo!
Of beef, veal, mutton, lamb, and pork,
We've had enough, and plenty, too !
Hail, then, fresh work for knife and fork,
The kangaroo-the kangaroo!

Fair and Fare.
WE will put two and two together with these para-
graphs:-
Miss Lydia Thompson has horsewhipped the editor of the
Chicago Times.
Miss Lydia Thompson has been entertaining the Cincinnati
Common Council at supper.
The deduction is plain: cowhide for critics, cowheel
for councillors.

The Force of Bad Egg-sample.
WHY can't the gentleman, who scored a Duck's egg
at the Oval the other da., be PAuxRKs ? Because he's
"GoT-O !"
SHOEMAXnEs drive hard bargains-they always want
money "to boot."


very few misgivings; although SMITH was no millionaire, his position
A MANK OF THE TIME. was anything but that of a pauper. We only regret that they
IT grieves us profoundly to record the decease of SMITH. He has should have lost the opportunity of receiving their father's valuable
departed from amongst us in the plenitude of his powers and the full advice upon those particular matters (whatever they may happen to
enjoyment of his weaknesses. Better men and worse men are left be) in which he was so admirably qualified to give counsel and
behind him, but there probably exists no individual, in this or any assistance.
other hemisphere, whose proportions of good and evil are so accurately It was rarely that our late friend confided, even to ourselves who
balanced as those of SMITH. knew him so intimately and loved him with such devotion, the
Our lamented friend's age at the period of his death is far from easy incidents of his personal history. Yet once he told us, if we recollect
to determine; whilst lacking the peculiarities of extreme youth he rightly, that he had never fought a duel with sabres. Whether he
was not remarkable for the characteristics of advanced age. He was objected rationally to the effusion of human blood, or preferred a
of medium height and bulk, with a complexion hovering midway COLT's revolver as the most appropriate weapon for a deadly encounter,
between the florid and the cadaverous; his hair was of that indescri- it is not our province to decide. The matter will perhaps be made clear
bable tint which cannot be qualified as black, brown, or yellow- by reference to his posthumous essays, if indeed he has bequeathed such
neither can it be stigmatized as approaching red. His eyes, though a priceless legacy to the reading public. Unless we are much
never devoid of expression (save when closed in slumber), seldom con- deceived, through the lapse of years or the imperfections of memory,
veyed any exact indication of the sentiments which agitated his mind; we made some attempt at the time to question him further on the topic
they were neither dull nor demonstrative. What a blessing would it of duelling; but, whenever pressed closely on subjects of a private
be if the whole circle of the present writer's acquaintances resembled nature, our lamented friend would leave the festive board suddenly,
the eyes of the late SMITH! and stalk away into the stormy night with cloudy brow and moody
An average education fell to the lot of our departed friend. Had demeanour.
he only been enabled to enjoy the highest advantages of an Oxford or It only remains for us to add that, in the event of a public teiti-
Cambridge training, there is hardly a profession in which he would monial being set on foot to commemorate by a statue this eminently
not have proved himself capable of excelling. The particular career representative man, the present biographer's copper (or oven silver)
in life which SMITH selected we have not been able, in spite of will be forthcoming. Meanwhile we intend publishing a more com-
studious research, to ascertain; but we are certainly correct in affirm- plete life of our friend in three volumes (calf) at the modest price
ing that he was neither a Chancellor of the British Exchequer nor a of 1 11s. 6d.
driver of the unadorned but useful omnibus which runs from the
Waterloo Station to the corner of Wellington-street for a penny per Fashion's Follies.
passenger. His path of duty, in fact, was probably placed halfway THE Grecian bend, the chignon, the Alexandra limp,
between these conditions of existence. The waist pinch'd tight, the hair let down that tongs are made o
It is painful to announce the death of such a man. How much crimp,
more painful must it be to reflect that he has possibly left behind him The bonnets of a single rose, the high-heel'd boots ; how vext
-if indeed he ever entered the matrimonial state-a bereaved widow Does poor Pater-familias in anger ask, What next "
who is not at all unlikely to be the mother of a young family. For
the mere pecuniary prospects of his children, however, we entertain A JOINT-STOCK AFFAIR.-Ox-tail soup,

VOL. XL


.1


THIEVESI MURDER 1"
But it wasn't It was only TOM WAGGLB, returning from a BAL MASQUE,
but he nearlyfrightened his young brother out of his wits.


.1








]FUN.


[Armn 2, 1870.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, March 30th, 1870.
HE pitch to which adulteration, and the sale of food unfit for
human consumption have been carried, is positively alarming.
Week after week the Inspectors have to condemn meat sent up
to the London market. Now there is a seizure of tea, so mixed
with foreign matters as to be deleterious if not poisonous. Now it is
some other article of food that is found to be sophisticated, and the
ingenuity of man is exerted constantly to wring a profit from the
deterioration of his neighbour's victuals, until at length even the
muddy bottom of the Thames is ransacked for a substitute for butter,"
to which the marmalade, made of the orange-peel swept up in theatres
-there was an advertisement offering it at a low price to makers of
marmalade-is a wholesome and innocent compound.
And while eatables are thus adulterated, liquors do not escape. The
"doctor drives round to his clients' pubs with a box of physic under
the seat of his gig, and touches up the poor man's beer, and gives
finishing touches to the sot's gin. The list of drugs and extracts,
whereby the intoxicating effects of alcohol are aggravated, while the
desire for it is stimulated, is a long one.
Fortunately the machinery to check these evil practices is not far to
seek. The Licensed Victuallers Association, so admirably organised,
and managing and supporting to well such noble charities as it does,
might soon work a cure, and we hope sincerely that it will take the
matter in hand, and shame its rivals, the grocers, with a thorough
reform of all sophisticating dodges.

Biens of a feather that dates further back than last year's moult are
not-if we mnay.believe MAI. TuPPER, or some other proverbial philoso-
pher, possibly Lord Dundreary- to be caught by chaff. Likewise not
only does the burnt child dread the fire, says the same authority, but
his brothers and sisters having noticed the unpleasant effect of exces-
sive caloric on the human epidermis have a due respect for the grate.
We are induced to recall these wise saws, by the remembrance of a
modern instance which we could recall to the minds of those War
Office clerks, to whom the authorities have been singing, Dilly, dilly,
dilly, dilly, come and be killed to the following tune.
The authorities at the War Office have called upon all clerks in their departments
who are willing to retire to send in their papers on or before the 15th of April.
Full pay will he continued until lhe end of December, and in calculating the super-
annuation allowances the following periods will be added to the actual service of
the officials :-After 5 and under 10 years' service, 3 years' service will be added;
after 10 and under 15 years' service, 5 years' service will be added; after 15 and
under '0 years' service, 7 years' service will be added ; after 20 and under 30 years'
service, 10 years' service will be added. The Secretary at War reserves to himself
the right to accept or reject the applications that may be submitted to him.
Not more than five years ago, we fancy, similar inducements were
held out, and a number (f clerks took the bait, to learn when it was too
late that they had been imposed upon. They were tricked out of the
promised advantages, and set adrift with the worst character a clerk
can seek employment with-that of having been in a Government
office. Legal redress, they were advised, would be expensive and
uncertain, for departments are not easily assailable. So they, with
their wives and families, had to swallow the bitter pill, and submit to
the imposition.
So we hope the clerks before they accept these offers will examine
them. Let them make sure that the continuation of pay till Decem-
ber" is not retrospective, and doesn't mean last December- for
instance. It seems improbable to outsiders, but the victims of depart-
ments know of what meanness public offices can be guilty.

Too Modest by Half!
.I we may believe the following paragraph, newspapers would seem
to be things they "manage differently" in America:-
Oswego has a newspaper called the Independent. It declares that it will be
neutral in religion and politics, as it knows very little of the former and nothing
whatever of the latter."
Why those would be the very.reasons that would make an English
paper intolerant in matters of faith, and dogmatic on questions of
politics !

A QUEER LOOK-OUT.
To enable railway servants to guard against collisions, provide
them with collide-oscopes.

No TREAT TO THE MARINER.-A gale-a day.


TO A FLAGEOLETIST.
-- NCHANTING music!
On mine ear
k iToo powerful far is
thine effect.
/Come not, oh, art
divine, too
near-
i o n Pray keep oh,
'keep thyself se-
lect!
e Thine excellence, like
yonder star,
A lWere better wor-
shipped from
afar.

T eSweet minstrel! Aut
thou sad in
plight
That thou dost ga-
rish day eschew,
That, like the song-
bird of the night,
Thou comet thus
to Wit to woo ?
Alas! Wit's penni-
less, and so
Can't give thee coin-
and bid thee go.

Ah, hush! Too deep
for mortal men
The feelings thy
staccatos give:
I am compelled to
drop my pen,
1v4, W Yet must I write,
if I would live!
Cease, cease that wild bewitching strain-
That I may dream it o'er again !
My nerves, kind friend, are keenly strung-
They need not thine awakening call.
Go, seek the heedless and the young,
Strive their wild natures to enthrall.
Their giddiness the grave condemn-
Sdo not! Yet, go thou to them!
Thou wilt not ? Sympathetic soul,
Companionship for grief is good;
Dark visions o er my spirit roll;
My heart is on the beat!-I would
The constable were, too; that he
Might move thee, as thou movest me.
Another air? Thou ling'rest yet!
Thou art too fine for this dull earth,
And that thou'rt on it I regret!
A loftier lot would fit thy worth-
Would thou hadst swelled, from childhood's years,
The unheard music of the spheres!

A Piece of Cabinet Work.
WE have been permitted to view the last new painting of MR. BAP-
RAun, whose two large pictures of society in the Park will be familiar
to all minds. This time he has exchanged the fresh air of the Row
for the political atmosphere of Downing-street, depicting a Cabinet
Council of the present ministry assembled in PITT'S room in the official
residence there, preferred by them, we believe, to the chamber in the
New Foreign Office. The likenesses are truly admirable, and the
grouping is easy and natural; the Members of the Council having
risen to separate, when thePrime Minister begs them to wait and hear
a telegram which he has just received. As few of us, generally speak-
ing, have been Members of a Cabinet Council, the picture will be
interesting, as showing how such meetings are conducted.

Sche-(dad)-dule I Walk-er!
WE are informed that the Chancellor of the Exchequer is taking
measures to ensure that the ghost "effects" at the Polytechnic shall
pay their fair quota in the shape of property tax.

A PINcHBEcK MOTTO.-Mosaic hath charms.


36








FUN.


THE PROMPTER'S BOX;
or, rampita, DVamyt 9as df.
ACT I.-The Prompter's Lodgings at Snoggleton.
Enter ERNEST.
ERNEST.--Here lives my love! I will write her an offer of mar-
riage. (Does so.)
Enter Miss MONTCASHEL.
Miss M.-Ernest! I have followed you here. I love ye!
EBNEST.-Go, temptress! I love another.
Miss M.-Florence Bristowe, I presume, the prompter's daughter ?
ERNEST.-The same. She comes.
Enter FLomecNs and OLD> BisiaEnws, who is a Prompter, in military
uniform.
FLORENCE.-Ernest! (Welcomes A-n.)
Miss M. (hysterically).-Ha! ha!' ha! ha! ha! (Observes that the
new comers seem surprised.) I beg your pardon-it's nothing! Ha!
ha! [Exit.
E'EnEsT.-Old man, I love your daughter, and would make her mine.
BRISTOWE.-Say ye so, boy. Then takeher. (Aside.) His father
is a banker! (Aloud.) Go and buy some nuts, and we will celebrate
this auspicious fact in a becoming revel. [Exit ERNEST, to buy nuts&
Enter MR. De LACY FITZALTAMOUNT, a tragedian. (aspitally played
by MR. BYvRae.)
FITz.-I also love ye, Ferlorence !
FLORENCE.-Go, silly one. I love another.
FiTZ.-Kerrushed again !
Be-enter BRISTOWE, with many enuts.
BRISTOWE.-The feast is spread. Let the revels commence!
[They sit down to eat nuts.
Enter GADSBY, Manager of the Snaggleton Theatre.
GADSBY.-An eminent London manager is coming to the theatre
to-night. My leading lady has thrown up her engagement-who will
play Mrs. Haller in the stranger ?
OLD BRISTOWE.-I-I will play it.
GADusB.-No you are too old-and too male.
OLD BlISTOWE.-My daughter, then!
GAnsBY.-Good! She shall!
OLD BRISTOWE.-More luck! Come, let's crack another nut before
we part!
They crack another nut. Enter Sm MICHAEL GLENDINNING.
SIR MICHAEL.-Ernest!
ERNEST.-Father! [Tableau.
ACT II.-SAME SCENE. Next morning- (but the sun is coming in at the
saoe window that it did on the preceding evening).
Enter BRISTOWE and FLORENCE.
BaRISTow.-It was a great success. Your fortune is made.
Enter MANDAVILLE. (The London manager.)
MAKDAVILLE.-I engage you forthwith.
FLORENCE.-Happiness !
Enter SIR MICHAEL.
SIR MICHAEL.-Mr. Bristowe, I do not wish my son to marry utility.
I have other views for him. I will give you 500 to let the young
man off.
BlISTowE.-Scoundrel, to tempt an old man with gold!
Sm MICHAEL.-You refuse ?
BRsrTowE.-Indignantly! Your son will have twenty times that
sum at your death.
SIR MICHAEL (aside).- Foiled! But I have yet another shaft!
[Exit.
BRISTOWE.-I was not always a prompter. I am an old soldier!
FLORENCE.-A very old soldier!
[Exit BRISTOWE, with military pomp.
Enter NED BRISTOWE, his son.
NED.-Florence, I have stolen 500. Compromise this felony, and
all will yet be well!
FLORENce.-Certainly. Wait a bit.
NED.-I will-round the corner! [Exit.
Enter SIR MICHAEL.
SIR MICHAEL.-Well, have you thought of my proposal?
FLORENCe.-I have. Give me the money.
SIR MICHAEL.-Here is the sum once told.
FLORENCE.-Your son is free !
Enter ERNEST.
ERNEST.-Florence, do my ears deceive me ?
FLORENCE.-They would scorn the action. Go! [Tableau.
ACT III. SCENE 1.-Miss MONTCASHEL'S residence.
Enter (to Miss MONTOABSEL) GADSBY and Ma. FITZALTAMOUNT.
GADSBY very drunk.
FITZ.-Florence appears to night for the first time at the Paragon


Theatre. She is supported by GADSIIY, whose part is a peculiarly
significant one. It is only twelve lines long, but the success of the
piece depends upon those twelve lines being properly delivered. And
here he is quite drunk!
Miss M. (aside).-This is my doing, that Florence Bristowe may
come a cropper at her first appearance! [ Exit Miss MONTCASHEL.
FITZ.-He will be.late! I will go and play his part for him. (Tries
the door.) Ha! it-is locked! No matter, the window is two-feet-six
from the ground, but I will risk the leap. [Does so.
ScENm 2. The Stage Door. Nothing done.
SCENE 3. The Green Room. Room painted green to give 1004loal olour.
Enter B amiows.
BIsTowz.-My Florence is making a tremendous hit!
Enter MANDA.VILLE, the Maneiw.
MANDAVILLE.-Mr. Briatowe, a, new piece is being played for the
first time, and you should be prompting at the wing. Why are you in
the Green-room
BRISTOWE.-I am rather nervous and would rather not prompt
to-night. Pray excuse me.
MANDAViLnmL-Oh, certainly, do as you like. (Fact.)
[Exit MAIDAVTILL.
Enter FLORENCE, dressed for a part.
FLORonXC.-Mr. Gadhby has not arrived, and the vital twelve-line
scene is coming on. I
Enter MANDAVILLB.
MAl-nAvnaL.-Come--some one else is taking his part!
[Exeunt FLoaB'Nc and MAm DAvTrL
BRisrTWE.--Joy-the scene is safe !
Enter FLORENCE from stage, with FITZALTAMOuNT dressed for a part.
FLonB.NCE.-Blessings on you!
FIrz.-Not at all. The part was even shorter than I thought it was. -
But, ah! my arm!
FLuRENcE.-What is wrong with your arm?
Firz.-I hurt it this afternoon in a fall! (Faints.) [Tableau.
ACT IV.-ERNEST's Chambers.
ERNESr.-I am now a popular author. I wrote a piece with eleven
scenes in the first act, and that triumph of ingenuity has made my
fortune !
Enter OLD BarSTOWs.
BRISTOWE.-Mr. Glendinning, I have brought you a letter.
ERNEST.-Ha l From her ?
BRISTOWE.-No, sir. From my son; here it is. Considering that
we have quarrelled, perhaps it would have been more dignified on my
part if I had posted it to you, especially as I have recently come into a
large fortune.
ERNEsrT.-And how is Miss Bristowe ?
BRISTOWE.-Dying!
ERNEST.-I am sorry.
BRISTOWE.-Damme, I like the lad still. He has a tender heart,
EaNEST (reads lette,).-" I enclose you 500, which Florence bor-
rowed to pay my fraud I see it all now 1
Tableau-EBaNET seeing it all!
SCENE 2.-M.. BRISTOWE'S villa. FLORENCE very sick on a sofa, Miss
MONTCASHEL atte,ndtng her.
FLORENCE.-You are quite a changed person. You who were so
flighty, are quite respectable now. [Exit FLORENCE.
Enter Fi i ZALTAMOUNT.
FITz.-Miss Monteashel, marry me.
Miss M.-Certainly.
Eider all the characters.
(Well, really, it was half-past eleven, and we had a train to catch, a quar-
ter to twelve, and we didn't wait any longer. But we think it is not
unlikely that the quarrel between FLORENCE and ERNEST was happily
adjusted, and that they agreed to marry. Probably, also, the fact that
old BRISTOWE had come into money irltenced Sia MICHAEL in giving
his consent. .But all this is sh8er conjecture.)
CURTAIN.
OURSELVES.-The piece is very humorously written, but much of
the humour (turning, as it does, entirely on stage matters) will be
caviare to the public. The piece is much too long and its construction
is sloppy. MR. BYaoN played the part of a provincial tragedian with
wonderful humour. His make up was admirable. Miss FURTADO
very pleasant as the debutante. MR. WEBSTER, as the old prompter,
was not as satisfactory as usual, perhaps he will be better when he is
quite at home in the text. The other parts fairly filled. The scenery
commonplace.

WINE Fon DINERs X LA RUssE. Rous-illon


APRIL 2, 1870.]


!-M I







38 FU N. [APRIL 2, 1870.


AD* 04-S, qdCK




Jw


IMPROVED CAG.Y IMPROVINJG HIS MIND


IMPROVED Ross


DESIGN FOR CARTOON FOR THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT.
.Dediczted with Profound Admiration and Respect to the RIGHT HONOURABLE HENRY AUSTIN BRUCE, Home Secretary.


THE BARE IDEA.
SIR JAMES ELPrHINTON stated in the House of Commons the other
night, upon the discussion on MR. CHILDERS' scheme of naval retire-
ment, that the Government had stripped the retiring admirals of all
they possessed, and "left nothing but their bare epaulets upon their
backs."*
This is really carrying economy beyond the bounds of decency.
Even the South Sea Islanders, who from their boyhood upwards have
been accustomed to go about with as few clothes as most people, would
not think of appearing in public without a pair of spurs in addition to
the customary cocked hat. The object of the Government order is
obvious. They think that the scantiness of the new regulation
uniform will ensure the compulsory retirement of the admirals-at
least, within their own doors. But we trust that the gallant officers
will show no such weakness. If they would only summon courage to
promenade Regent-street or Bond-street in the uniform described by
SIR JAMES ELPHINSTON, a sensation would be created in the public
mind which might shake the resolution even of the relentless First
Lord of the Admiralty. A minor difficulty occurs to us in consider-
ing the question. The absence of clothes of course involves the
absence of pockets, and where are these ill-used gentlemen to put the
handsome pensions which they carry into their retirement ? The only
thing to be done is to have the epaulets considerably enlarged and
hollowed out, so that they may serve the double purpose of purse and
clothing.

'Orrid !
DEAR MR. EDITon,-Why is an aggravating and painful boil just
after it has been lanced by the surgeon, like the tiny utensil in which
the domestic cat takes her modest matutinal meal ? Pray answer this,
and relieve the anxiety of An EscAPED LUNATIC.
[Because it's a sore-sir (saucer). Let us have no more of this or we
shall report you to the authorities at Colney Hatch.]
We always thought they were worn on the shoulders-but no matter I


HORACE IN LONDON.
To AN EXPIRING MUDLARK.
SINCE venom dying toads exude,
And filth expiring worms;
And since, the sooner 'twill conclude,
The more the reptile squirms;
Since feeble dips of foul fat give
Most stench when they go out;
You've not much longer now to live
To judge from what you spout:
So we can mark, contemplative
In patience, your last bout.
So now's your season-don't defer,
Fling round the mud like mad:
Perchance 'twill show some scavenger
What sort of brains you had!

A Lucid Explanation.
THE Kensington News asks:-
What is a Whitster ? Such an officer appears on the Chelsea Hospital establish-
ment, and was paid last year 70. His salary is now to be cut down one half.
What deplorable ignorance! Of course a whitster is something
between a punnist and a jokester, with a slight touch of the funifier.
But see ARTEamus WARDn, Opera Omnia-passim. No, don't pass 'im.
or you'll miss a treat. The reason of the reduction of this official's
salary is obvious-the authorities discovered they could obtain a
superior article-in the shape of two half-yearly volumes of Fox-for
the ridiculously small charge of nine shillings per annum!

A Bump and an Organ.
THE largest organ in the world will be the one in the Hall of Arts
and Sciences, South Kensington. It is to be called COLE's Self-Esteem,
in honour of a gentleman well-known about that quarter.














































VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION.
Old Venham (to Afrs. V. who has been Seading out the Convictions of Butchers, who have Bold Ateat Unfit jor Human Food) :-" AH! SERVE 'EM RIGHT. THEY DID OUGHT
TO GET IT 'OT 1" (And wouldn't the Licensed Vietuallers' Association give it him hot. if they found him out?
aisw.s:'--:. '~ -'..-,. .-. *.S. ...*....* .. ...... .... .. .._.. .








FUN.


Wrs. ]awun lau TJiuin in %^neradl

THE DIVORCE COURT.
(Concluded from p. 33.)
'M sure I thought as I'd been and finished with that Divorce
nastiness, and thankful to get it out of my 'ead. When, the
day arter Miss PILxINToN'S wisit, in come MELIA EDWARDS, a
chit of a thing, a-runnin' with a paper, as wasn't quite fifteen
year old, and says to me a-grinnin', Oh, MRS. BRowN, mother's been
and sent you in the paper as 'ave got it all in, as is that racy as she
knows you'll like."
So, not quite a-seein' what she were a-drivin' at with 'er racy, and
wantin' for to check 'er bold forward ways, I says, My dear, I don't
care about none of them sportive news, as is werry often lowlived
characters as leads to bettin'-shops and robbin' the till, not but what it
is downright impidence for them there Parlyments to put 'em down for
the poor man and let lords and dukes swindle everyone there close
agin' the Knightsbridge Barricks, as is a frightful eyesore and a
regular nuisance let alone not being common decent for 'uman bein's
to live in, as sojers certingly is, all said and done.
Oh," she says, "mother told me to tell you as it was rare sport-
all about the PIiNCE OF WALES in the Diworce Court, and you'd enjoy
it over your tea, the same as she's done." Then," I says, "you may
tell your mother as, in my opinion, the PRINCE Or WALES and every
one else as is respectable did ought to keep out of sich places as them
low courts, as they wont 'ear no good in, and as to talking' about sich
blackguard goin's-on to a child like you anyone ought to be ashamed
on theirselves to do it."
She give a toss of 'er 'ead and was out of the place in a jiffey, as the
sayin' is, a-mutterin' as she'd tell mother. I don't think as it was
more than five minutes, though it might be less, when MRS. EDWARDS
herselff bounces up to the door, with 'er face a-flamin' like a turkey
cock for redness, as I went to open myself.
She says, I'd thank you, MRs. BROWN, next time as I sends my
child with a message not to willify 'er own mother, as 'ave made 'er
cry fit to break 'er 'art through me a-bein' that insulted." I says,
" Who've been insultin' you ? "
She says, You 'ave, as is all my own fault through a-actin' neigh-
bourly and doin' as I'm done by, but never no more, not if you was
to go down on your bended knees, do you ever ketch sight of my Sun-
day paper agin, and so I tell you." I says, "Wait till I asks for it,
mum, and if your 'ead never aches till I do, you won't 'ave no
occasions for no smellin' salts."
Oh," she says, a-givin' way to tears, "that my own flesh and
blood should ever 'ear me spoke on ashamed of myself behind my back,
as 'ave brought up a family without a word agin my character." I
says, "No one's been and spoke agin your character, but only said
what I Oldss the truth, as it's shameful to talk about such things before
children as Diworce courts and sich like."
"Well," she says, I'm sure it's what every lady in the land feels
an interest in." I says, Speak for yourself, mum, for," I says, I
don't want to 'ear no more about it, so," I says, I wishes you a good
morning and you needn't trouble yourself to call agin nor yet send
your gal neither."
She says, "I always says you're a wulgar old wretch, and now I
knows it." I says, I may be, but I don't say anything indecent nor
yet road it," and I takes and shets the door in 'er face sharp, as is not
actin' the lady praps, but I was put out with 'er.
When BaowS come 'ome he said as I'd been too sharp, for he says,
"All you women likes to 'ear about such things, so I've bought the
paper." I says, "I do not for my part, not even from my own
'usban'."
"Well," he says, "for my part I did felt a interest about it through
a-wantin' to know what the PRINCE oF WALES 'ad to say for 'isself,"
and begins a-readin'. Well," I says, you might 'ave made a guess
at that, I should think, and it's what I calls 'ighly disgraceful for to
put 'im on 'is hoath,'with that judge a-settin' there a-treatin' 'im jest
the same as if he'd been a working' man, as proved 'is innercence, and
them lawyers couldn't make 'im say nothing though he 'ad kissed the
book with all their questions, as will make you say black is white as
the sayin' is, through a puzzlin' you with their cross questions and
crooked answers. And then to, keep 'im there all the day a-tryin'
to ketch 'im out, as owned to the 'Ansom cabs in a minit, as in course
there can't be no 'arm in, but all open and above board; and it's lucky
as we've got a PFINCE or WALEZs as is that upright, as he wouldn't
stoop to do a disgraceful hact, nor yet tell a lie, like GEORGE THE
FOnTrn, as was well known to be the fust gentleman in the world as
denied solemn as he'd been and married a Roman Catholic on the sly
as was certing death to that old Fox, as was a corpulent party, and
did used to 'ang over the fireplace in Sia SIMON WITTLEs's dressin-
room oppersite that PITT as he 'ated through bein' too deep for 'im,
but showed a deal of sperrit for he up and spoke to that there PiwNcE
or WALES, when the marriage were found out and says to 'im, Sir,'


41 1


he says,' you're the biggest liar as ever I know'd except your father;'
as was a nutty one for a king, for though a cat may look at a king, as
the sayin' is, you wouldn't'ardly think as a Fox would be that bold to
speak like that."
Says BROWN, Why ever don't you read things proper, MARTHA, and
then you'll know the rights on it, if you will talk." I says, There
can't be no rights where allis wrong together, BRowN, for," I says, "a
nice 'usban' that 'ere SIR CHARLES must be to go all the way over to
Norway and leave her to fish, as though there wasn't as good fish to
be 'ad out of Norway as in it; as must either be a born fool, or wuss,
to walk 'isself off and leave his wife with a lot of young fellers a-
danglin' carter 'er, and all bad characters into the bargain, and as to
the young woman for a lady I do not consider 'or, and nothing better
than a fieldmale for that matter, why in course it's all 'er fault, but
in my opinion if she'd take and marry a man for 'is money as some
wicked old cat-a-marans of mothers will make daughters do, why in
my opinion she'd do anything, and I considers the streets is better any
day. But," I says, "in course there must be blackguard courts for
blackguard treats, but why over do they let anyone in but them as is
compelled to be there. And as to parties a-payinu' lots of money to get
in as calls theirselves decent women, why I blushes for 'em. Though
some is obliged to go, for I've 'eard my dear mother speak of bein' a
jury of matrons herself as I wouldn't be one myself for the world nor
more wouldn't she if they 'adn't took and impaled 'er on it agin 'or
will, as was werry unpleasant in open court with the judge and jury
a looking' on, not to say 'urtful to the fcolin's, as give 'or a chill as she
never got over not proper to 'er death, though outlivin' on it many
years."
So BRowN he says, I do think as there ought to be a diworceo if a.
woman talks 'or husbandd to death as I'm sure you would a 'orse's 'ind
leg off." I says, "If you was to go a-galliwantin' off to Norway a-fishin'
a-leavin' me, I dare say as I should be glad of company, though never
forget as I were a lady, and I'm sure scores of times you've been to the
Lea Bridge a-fishin' all day and always found me at 'ome and your tea
ready, and no PRINcEs or WALES, nor yet noblemen a-hangin' about
the place, though I've been admired by royal families, for I've 'eard,
my dear mother say as old QUEEN CHARLOTTE stopped once for to look
at me, and wouldn't believe as it were tops and bottoms as 'ad turned
out so well."
So BRowN he says, I wish you was in the Diworce Court or any-
where so as I could read quiet." Well," I says, Mn. BRowN, I
considers it a worry indecent remark a-wishin' to see me in the Diworce
court, as would be a pretty 'ow d'ye do for all the world to talk about
if I was to take and encourage the PRINCi OF WALES, as in course
knows my place better and wouldn't do that Princess an injury with
'eor little family for the world, poor thing, a-enticin' of 'er'usband away
from 'er, not if I was ever so much a lady, but as to you it's enough to
bring a judgment on you a-talkin' like that about boin' diworced,
as never did ought to be put asunder arter boin' jined together
that solemn: as'll make nice confusion in time, as no one won't know
their own 'usban's from anybody else's, and as to children known'
their rightful parents, why it will be a wise child as knows whether he
ever 'ad a father, or a mother either, as he can call 'is own."

Take Care of the "-Farthings I
HERE's a sign of the times at the Admiralty:-
Adder, steamer, was paid off on Monday at Chatham, and the men have been
discharged. The Adder, it is expected, will be broken up or aold, her place being
taken by the Monkey, formerly tender to the Fisgard at Woolwicb.
The system of taking care of half-pence and farthings in our naval
expenditure has evidently proved so successful in saving pounds-by
the thousand-that the authorities are encouraged to persevere with it,
and, with a view to assisting the reform at our numerous dockyards,
have begun with the determination to have an Adder of fractions at
Chatham. The appointment of the Monkey, of course points to the
sort of "allowance" to be granted in future to those who have been
guilty of lavish expenditure.

Old Saws with New Handles.
Beauty is only skin-deep-but Nature did not on that account hide
it.
A stitch in Time may save nine-but he never seems to be entirely
sewn-up.
Birds of a feather flock together-and yet in a flock bed you will not
find a feather at all!

An all Serene-ade!
THIS is an odd instance of "musical intelligence":-
A Nashville serenading party travelled ten miles to fiddle two hours in front of a
house before they discovered that is was empty.
At any rate there's one thing to be said-it was a very lucky escape
for the people that weren't in the house!


ArmI 2, 1870.]








42


FUN.


TYPES OF THE THOROUGHFARES. to scalloped oysters, yonder is a face you should no forget for mere
No. 9.-THE POULTRY. r. usTiCUs,-I shall remember it, and be able on beholding it again
UBANAus and RuSTICUS on their way to lunch at PIx*'s. to say I saw-yer, as you cockneys speak.
URBAanus.-Now, cousin mine, I have shown you how nobly our URBANus.-Ungrateful! When you owe it to this spot that your
City magnates have adorned this important capital. You have seen head looks like that of a civilized being.
the bridge at Blackfriars. RusTIcus.-You mean my hair! Well, they did astonish me, when
RusTICus.-Aye, but 'twas a pity the granite pillars were so short, after having cut it, they asked if I would be singed.
coz. They dwarf the bridge. URBAn us.-Did you consent ? What said you ?
URBANUs.-They do, m trry! But you see granite pillars are, RUSTICUS.-I said, "Is your servant a horse that he should do this
curiously enough, tender points with us I thing ? "
RusTicus.- You speak of the Holborn Viaduct. Well, the flaws UBBANUS.-Not bad for you! 'Twas doubtless received with
are to be regretted, but they are too small to mar the effect of the clemency when you uttered it, for a good joke is appreciated there.
structure, which is very fine. RUSTIBus.-Well, let us to lunch, for I am parlous hungry.
URBANUS.-Then again, there is the Embankment, and the siteo f TJRBANUS.-Come, then, my noble cavalier, and let us attack Pimm's.
Queen Victoria Street, which with fine warehouses and offices on either Make haste for 'tis near the luncheon hour, and what with the City
side will be a noble approach to the City's great heart-the Ex hang, men and the Government clerks-
the Mansion House, and the Bank. RusrIcus.-Government clerks? I thought they never came east
RuEsTcus.-Truly so! But-not to put it vulgarly-where are we of Temple Bar.
now ? URBin us.-The ornamental ones don't. But the Post Office, and
URBANUs.-Well, ahem! We are in the City. the National Debt Office, yonder in Old Jewry, are not ornamental.
RusTICus.-Just so -to be sure, we have but just left Chepe. But Here come some of them like so many hungry Scots on a raid.
this narrow crowded lane-how do you call it ? RusTICUS.-Come along!
U(RBANUS.-The Poultry. URBAnus.-Have with you. [Exeunt.
RuSTncus.-It has a rural sound. Nevertheless, I would not keep .alf-an-hour allowed for refreshments.
fowls in such a contracted space. Whither does it lead ?
URBANUS,-Oh, only to the Exchange, and the Bank, and the Man-
sion House. Woman and Water.
RusTIcus.-Which you described anon as the City's great heart.
And this cramped and crowded thoroughfare is its artery. THE following is a curious mis-we should say, missus-print :-
URBANUS.-'Tis useless to disguise the fact, it is a disgrace. But A newspaper writer was lately rather astonished to find what he had written
rely upon it, the good sense of the City will prevail, and by this time surging waves turn up in type as "surgeons' wives."
next year, when you come up again, it will be demolished, and a fitting Our Cynic says there is more in it than appears on the surf-face. The
approach thrown open. compositor no doubt was wondering if the surgeons had as much diffi-
RusTIcus.-But why has so necessary an improvement been so long culty in ruling the latter as Britannia has nowadays in ruling the
neglected P former-whether, in short, in either case the ruling is not altogether a
UaBANws.-A word in your ear. (Whispers.) fiction.-[Never mind, ladies! Don't regard the brute's sneers at your
RusTIcus.-By Jove! 'tis too bad! sex. He is fully punished, be satisfied!-he is married !]
UaBANus.-And cannot be much longer endured. But hist, here be
local celebrities. If you love a good dinner, or have a soul that melts NGALANT ACTr.-To oblige a la ly.








APRIL 2, 1870.3 FU N. 43


-- SONGS FOR MUSIC.
nA reader, who one day may chance
." Across these humble lines to glance,
Say, did you ever in old tiEr s
,Accommodate your modest rhymes
SiTo music, fit for vocal throats,
To suit a series of sweet notes ?
Oh! did you ever, let me ask,
ar o_ Write words to music, awful task ?
SIt is not that the work is hard
For any average young bard:
To string together stanzas sweet,
And rythmical, with equal feet,
Is easy, and perchance you get
Some stray poetic violet,
fiome thought that makes your carol small
Seem "not so stupid after all."
This done, your great musician comes,
The poor piano thumps and strums,
Tries melodies that drive you mad,
And snubsyour verse as very bad,
Declares it gives him no idea,"
And you perchance cry, eulpamea,"
And own his words are sadly true,
And all the fault remains with you.
Take my advice, and don't give in;
His dictum isn't worth a pin;
No F.poetry he understands,
Hei talent's flown down to his hands :
Hiesskilful when he deftly plays;
His execution you may praise;
But as to being judge of verse,
There's not a man on earth ist vw ase.
He likes poetic words left out
All good ideas loves to Easrt;
He asks simplicity, and frTd
Tf aught but childish stuff he gets.
TIES PAY. :o thoughts unhacknied he'll object,
They're far above his intellect;
First Party:-" THAT's A TERY hossy TIE YOU'VE GOT ON!' Musicians are dear boys, but, oh I
Second Ditto:-" AH, I cALL IT A CURY-HOSSY-TfE !" Don't write them verses, bless you, no !


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. 511 1 rWt1trnf.
THE Alexandra Orphanage has staunch friends, and wise ones.
They have achieved for it a charitable work, which for completeness has [ We cannot return unaccepted SS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
never been rivalled-a book, written by leading authors, with illustra- panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
tions drawn by the first artists, and engraved by the first engravers, responsiblefonr loss.1
with luxurious paper from MEssas. SPALDING AND HonDGE with fine BRENT GoosE-You have written yourself down with one of your own
printing by Ms. ALVEY, and with binding by MEssas. LEIGHTON-and quills, we suppose. Would not Pen-guin have been a less Auk-ward
all done from first to last, including publishing, "free, gratis, for nom de plume ?
nothing." The editor, MR. A.RcHnE, may well be proud of his success A FAIR correspondent says if we "prefer to mention her in answ ars to
in getting such a unique book together, and one which on its merits correspondents" we may call her "The White Owl." As if we.could be
(without reference to its object) must command a large sale. It would so ungallant-won't Oh, 'Fair Dove," do better?
be invidious in such a work to select from so many "labours of love CowNinm-Don't make cow-hide-iotic jokes.
any of the literary or artistic contributions for special mention, but we A NATURALIZED LANOASxrRE LAD.-All your letter is capital-except
may tell our readers that they will meet with many, who are old the joke.
friends, with pen and pencil as pleasant as ever. We feel sure that A SuBSCRIsBER FROM THE FInsr.-If you are, your case is hopeless, or
not only no friend and lover of the poor little orphans of Hornsey by this time you would have become sensible.
Rise will be without the book, but also that no friend and lover of art P. M. R. (Cambridge).-Very much too long.
or literature will fail to add it to his treasured volumes. BARN's SEE.-One will do.
The Philosophy of the Bath (MOrFFAT, Dublin), advocates the use of the AJAX SHARP.-We cannot insert the joke, though good, lest it should
Turkish bath, and urges its arguments temperately and sensibly, offend the scruples of some readers.
backed by no inconsiderable weight of authorities. The question is F. W. (Kensington).-We don't envy you the ability to'make jokes
one, however, on which laymen can offer no opinion while the medical PossIL.--Much obliged.
profession differs so much upon it, and we shall therefore, at the risk J. M. W.-Thanks, we cannot use the suggestion in our columns, but it
of alarming the readers of ordinary criticism with a novelty, decline shall be done somehow.
to decide the discussion. T. M. F. (Brighton), is informed that the joke be sent did not, as he
We have received from MR. STREETER A Catalogue of Designs, which described it, "find its way into FUxN "-owing probably to its being rather
in the matters of binding, printing, and engraving, exhibits such dim-sighted in consequence of its age.
peculiar merit as to claim higher commendation than could be awarded HENRIETTE N.-We will take an early opportunity of acting upon the
to a trade circular in general. It is seldom that really artistic designs suggestion.
have been presented in so elegant and tasteful a form. Declined with thanks :- -, St Peteraburgh; A. E.; A Needy Con-
tributor; T.; J. H., Chester; Diggory Dibble; A. W. C., Marylebone-
road; Ginger Pile; Tot; Derfla Nameerf; Amicus; J., Newton Stewart;
Two to One. Cross, Winchester; Pernambuco, E. C, Kensington; A. D Paris;
Golftyn N., Wales; S., Sussex-Rstreet; W. B.; B. B. ; Bona Yide; D.',
TH odds are that habitues of the pawn-shop are the very dregs of Faubourg St. Antoine; C., Jonson-place, Harrow-road; W. K.; Jim;
the population. Too many of them have not a "redeeming" feature W. M. T., Brecon; W. H., Kingsland; Sbhort-chap; Tod4y; F.; K.,
about them. Stonehouse; B., Hampstead; H.; Crowders; Dan; Venator.








44 FUN. [APmR 2, 1870.


THE LESSO OF DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 160.
ON the bosom of the river
Rapid oars the pictures shiver,
Il That, re-forming, dance and quiver

There's the Dark Blue-there's the Light Blue,
I tThe deep blue and the bright blue !-
W14- Lt Would you ask which is the right blue ?
a o f I V Well, whichever blue rows best!
"f t1. We met-'twas in a crowd!
We were next to each other:
And this will be allowed
By each famishing brother-
In your stomach if it's got
By a party who's thinnish,
Impelled, it tendeth not
iltHunger's pangs to diminish!
aIthI!isite a2. The feet, in buskin clad, that gravely trode the stage
With measured pace and slow, in Greece's early age.

_Agrivolas, ye farmers blest!
.'When harvest's golden clays are come,
-And nod the crops with yellow crest;
Reflect, how slight a boon relieves
The hungry mouths that should be fed,
Bind with no niggard hand the sheaves-
But tithe them for the poor man's bread.
4. Send not for these to foreign shore,
For in our midst-the pity's more !
You'll find them dwelling by the score.
5. Those, who profess to have the most,
The least too often have to boast,
Because that very affirmation
Shows of it small appreciation;
For when as Virtue it would figure,
There is no bigotry that's bigger.
6. He, who wrote Hudibras (a pagan
In rhyming) might say "son of a gun!"
Just meaning in his heedless way-gun.
THE LESSON OF HIS LIFE. SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 158.-Equinox, Bluster:
District Visitor (to Urchin ewho abjures hoole) :-" BoY, DO YOU NoW Ebb, Quill, Uise-Dhu, Isosceles, Natant, Oblate, Xylo-
WHAT THE END OF LIFE IS ?" grapher.
SOLUTIor s or AceosrIC NO. 158, RECEIVED 23rd MARan.-None
Boy:-" YES'M--TRE WORn'Us correct.


Baldheaded Coots Rejoice! A New View of it.
SMOOTH-FACED young men rejoice- bald-headed old gentlemen, sing THE heathen emblem of the snake holding its tail in its mouth has
songs of jubilation! This is an age of Quackery-one should rather always been explained to mean" Eternity." We should think it typical
think it was, but here is an advertisement which, like CsAR's wife, of Life rather, as indicating a continual effort to make both ends
must be above suspicion. Read this! meet.
WONDERFUL DIPecovEnYv.-All young men who study personal appearance will be
pleased to learn that in this age of quackery there really does exist a preparation Very Sow-Sow.
which infallibly produces Whiskers, Moustaches, &o.; the article alluded to is IT is manifestly impossible that a fat pig can save its bacon by a
manufactured by the celebrated Hair Restorer.
The H. R. only speaks of producing whiskers, moustaches, &c. (we
wonder what the &c. is-can't be warts? ) but, of course he can cure With a Difference.
baldness also. For observe, he says hair-restorer-and how can a mn THE cry of STE N'S starling was, I can't get out": now, on all
restore hair where it did not before exist ? We do not study personal sides, it's I can't get tin."
appearance, for we have been from our youth upwards conspicuous for
manly beauty, but nevertheless we are "pleased to learn," not exactly Sauce for the Goose, &c.
that hirsute appendages can be infalliblyy produced," but that any Sauce for the Goose, &c.
individual exists who has so much simple and touching faith in his THE vegetarian may follow his fancy at his own sweet will-why,
fellow men as to induce him to put forth such an advertisement. We then, should he force asparagus?
do not want whiskers or moustache, but we should like &c.," if we
could be sure it does not mean hairy hands, eyebrows meeting over A Cour us TA.-Baby's first speech.
one's nose, or hair meandering down the small of the back. Perhaps WHEN does a tailor serve his customers ill ?-When he "gives
the H. R. will tell us what it mears in future manifestos. them fits."


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEM'EN.
FURNISHING ESTIX&TES,
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Publij generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furnit r', they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the furnishing of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES tin preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the tota. cost of Furnishing the
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phmnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: April 2, 1870.








FUN.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 81.-THE BUTM-BOAT WOMAN'S STORY.
Of'M old, my dears, and shrivelled
'with age and work and grief,
3My eyes are gone, and my
teeth have been drawn by
Time, the Thief!
For terrible sights I've seen,
\\ ', and dangers great I've run-
I'm nearly seventy now, and
my work is almost done!
Ah! I've been'young in my
time, and I've played the
deuce with men!
rIm speaking of ten years past
-I was barely sixty then:
BMy cheeks were mellow and
soft, and my eyes were large
and sweet,
POLL PINEAPPLE'S eyes were
"- 4 i the standing toast of the
Royal Fleet!
A bum-boat woman was I, and I faithfully served the ships
With apples and cakes and fowls and beer and halfpenny dips-
And beef for the generous mess, where the officers dine at nights,
And fine fresh peppermint drops for the rollicking midshipmites.
Of all the kind commanders who anchored in Portsmouth bay,
By far the sweetest of all was kind LIEUTENANT BELAYE.
LIEUTENANT BELAYE commanded the gunboat, Hot Cross Bun,
She was seven and thirty feet in length, and she carried a gun.
With the laudable view of enhancing his country's naval pride,
When people inquired her size, LIEUTENANT BELATE replied-
" Oh, my ship, my ship is the first of the Hundred and Seventy-ones!"
Which meant her tonnage, but people imagined it meant her guns.
Whenever I went on board he would beckon me down below,
" Come down, Little Buttercup, come (for he loved to call me so),
And he'd tell of the fights at sea in which he'd taken a part,
And so LIEUTENANT BELAYE won poor POLL PINEAPPLE'S heart!
But at length his orders came, and he said one day, said he,
" I'm ordered to sail with the Hot Cross Bun to the German Sea."
And the Portsmouth maidens wept, when they learnt the evil day,
For every Portsmouth maid loved good LIEUTENANT BELAYE.
And I went to a back back street, with plenty of cheap cheap shops,
And I bought an oilskin hat, and a second-hand suit of slops.
And I went to LIEUTENANT BELAYE (and he never suspected me !)
And I entered myself as a chap as wanted to go to sea.
We sailed that afternoon at the mystic hour of one,
Remarkably nice young men were the crew of the Hot Cross Bun.
I'm sorry to say that I've heard that sailors sometimes swear,
But I never yet heard a Bun say anything wrong, I declare.


When Jack Tars meet, they meet with a "Messmate, ho! What
cheer ? "
But here, on the Hot Cross Bun, it was, How do you do, my dear F"
When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl with a big big D -
But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns was a mild, Dear me "
Yet, though they were all well-bred, you could scarcely call them
slick,
Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely sick.

VOL. XI.


And whenever the weather was calm, and the wind was light and fair,
They spent more time than a sailor should, on his back back hair.
They certainly shivered and shook when ordered aloft to run,
And they screamed when LIEUTENANT BELAYE discharged his only
gun.
And as he was proud of his gun-such pride is hardly wrong-
The Lieutenant was blazing away at intervals all day long.
They all agreed very well, though at times you heard it said,
That BILL had a way of his own, of making his lips look red-
That JOE looked quite his age-or somebody might declare
That BARNAOLE'S long pig-tail was never his own own hair.
BELAYE would admit that his men were of no great use to him,
" But then," he would say, there is little to do on a gunboat trim.
I can hand and reef and steer, and fire my big gun, too-
And it is such a treat to sail with a gentle well-bred crew."
I saw him every day! How the happy moments sped!
Reef topsails! Make all taut! There's dirty weather a-head!
(I do not mean that tempests threatened the Hot Cross Bun,
In that case, I don't know whatever we should have done!)
After a fortnight's cruise, we put into port one day,
And off on leave for a week went kind LIEUTENANT BELAYE,
And after a long long week had passed (and it seemed like a life),
LIEUTENANT BELAYE returned to his ship with a fair young wife!
He up, and he says, says he, "Oh, crew of the Hot Cross Bun,
Here is the wife of my heart, for the church has made u one! "
And as he uttered the word, the crew went out of their wits,
And all fell down in so many separate fainting fits.






R









And then their hair came down, or off, as the case might be,
And lo! the rest of the crew were simple girls, like me,
Who all had fled from their homes in a sailor's blue array,
To follow the shifting fate of kind LIEUTENANT BELAYE.

It's strange to think that I should ever have loved young men,
But I'm speaking of ten years past-I was barely sixty then,
And now my cheeks are furrowed, with grief and age, I trow!
And poor POLL PINEAPPLE'S eyes have lost their lustre now!

Alta Nonsense.
THE unfortunate running-down of the Oneida by the Bombay had
been taken up, as might be expected, by some of the American papers,
and made the text of much furiously anti-English nonsense. The
Alta California says -
The course of CAPTAIN EyrE looks like that high-stalking imperiousness which
is characteristic of some Englishmen abroad. The crushing aside and destruction
of any number of "-Hamericans" who might come in his path, could not be ex-
pected to engage his attention even for a single moment.
For this absurd malevolence the Alta, we are glad to see, has been
severely taken to task by the News Letter, which speaks of the accident
as might be expected of a paper so ably and honestly conducted. We
cannot resist the temptation of parodying the bit we quote:-The
course of the Alta looks like that high-stalking imperiousness which is
characteristic of a donkey in a tulip bed. The crushing aside and
destruction of any amount of truth and common sense, that might
come in its path, could not be expected to distract its attention even for
a single moment from the bitter thistle for which it hungered I

HOW NOT TO DO IT.
To make thick turtle soup-eschew a book giving clear direc-
tions.


ArnIL 9, 1870.]








46


1ItJN.


''TV OFFICE, Wednhsday, April Oth, 1870.
N all probability by the time these lines are in the hands of our
readers, the Peace-Preservation Bill for Ireland will have become
law. Both Houses of Parliament, and all parties, have united to
facilitate its course, and strengthen the hands of the Irish Execu-
tive against the excesses of Fenianisni and agrarian crime.
The measure has not been taken in haste, nevertheless. It was not
brought forward until the Ministry found that the professional
agitators were exerting themselves to frustrate the good intentions of
the real friends of ri'n, seeing that now was their oporbtmnity-odr
never! These persons, who live by the disaffection they create, have
compelled the Government to carry the swordj when they desired to
extend the olive branch. But the sword is one that bears an inscrip-
tion like the Spanish one, "' He who draws me without a cause shall
sheathe me without honour." It must not be used except under dire
necessity, and when it is used it must be used effectually against those
foreigners and aliens who have fixed upon poof Ireland as their
victim. They may declaim against the Bill, but all true and patriotic
Irishmen will itejoie that steps have been taken to remove from their
native land the disgrace whibh men not its sons have striven to inflict
upon it.
WE have seldom read a more melancholy history than the confes-
sion of WILLIAM MOBBS, The Aylesbury Murderer," a young fellow
-a mere uneducated savage of twenty. Why he should have been
executed when SPFiAS was reprieved, is a mystery which only the
Home Secretary can solve. The crime was utterly motiveless, the sole
incentive to it being apparently the pernicious blood and murder"
literature of the day.
I, William Mobhb, declrfe that Wh5lt I s@t the boy Newbury coming towards me
I felt all of a shake and is if I could hot help murdering him. I had dreamt of
murders, and I had see# a picture of the man Baker murdering the girl in the
hop-gardens.
It is to be hocped that the men who publish these vile things look no
further than the profits they hope to realise by the sale of the garbage.
If they look beyond it, and see and know that such results as this
murder may spring from their act, and they are not deterred, then they
deserve the gallows as much as-nay, more than this unhappy creature,
Mon B. We trust that this confession will not be speedily forgotten.
It will prove a strong weapon for those who desire to purify our
literature of the scandal of low sensation.

WE observe that before opening his new theatre in the Strand, Ma.
H. J. MONTAGUE is going to take a benefit at the Princess's on Satur-
day next. The public will be certain to support him well, as an old
favourite, and also as an encouragement to the young manager of the
Vaudeville. He has not, however, relied simply on this, but offers an
attractive programme, of which not the least interesting part will be
his performance with Miss N rILsoin of the balcony scene in Boomeo and
Juliet. A bright actress and singer leaves the Olympic, to wit, Miss
AUGusTA THOMPSON. She gives up burlesque for opera bouffe, and goes
with Mit. RUSSELL's Covent Garden Opera Company to the country for
a while, to play the leading parts in the Grand Duchess, the Barbe Bleue,
and La Perichole. After a short tour Miss THOMPSON and the company
return to town, and will take up their quarters at a west end theatre.

No Hemp-tie Threat.
THE following suggestive letter was addressed by an American lady
to her grocer:-
Mr. Tuttle,-This here thing has got too tnuch hemp in it for inolasst, kand not
quite enough for clothe lines; so I've strained off the molasses, and send you the jug
to make up the measure, and have turned over the hemp to the Vigilance Committee
to be spun up for future use. So be sure to send me the real thing this time, as all
hemp goes to the V. C., and the rope is a-growing.
In England we have no Vigilance Committees, and in consequence
adulterating tradesmen, though they take as much rope as they like,
don't get rope enough-that is for the (ropes') ends of justice. Will
some M.P. kindly propose to make hempees" of all such Traudulent
shopkeepers ?
Front 3lums v. Back Slums.
MEN of exceedingly small type may be found in Pica-dilly.

THE REPRESENTATIVE oP WICK.-Gas-burner, nowadays.
ANAGRAM PROPHETIC.-O! maid Erin well at last F-W. G. (WIL-
LIAM EWART GLADSTONE.)


[APRIL 9, 1870.


TEA.
SaSuggested by the Tea-dealing at Bridgwater Election.


HERE is a herb comes o'er
/the sea,
From Hyson, Souchong,
and Bohea-
If places of such names
there be !
And when 'tis brewed
with water hot,
And left to daw, I think
there's not
Another beverage like Tea.

The cup of non-inebriant
glee!
Your wife approves of it,
Sand she
Must be a better judge
than we:
And well we know she
-hareckons this
1 The symbol of domestic
bliss--


Couched in the form of "S. and w ,"
Nay, e'ern that humble spirit, G--,"
I do lnot altogether spurn,
I like them every one in turn:
But my chief beverage is Tea,
Blest then my state-with conscience free!
Bridgwater gave not birth to me,
Where as a means of Bribery-
Observe the late Commission's tales -
A Mi. WILLIAMS with his bales
Of sovereigns, described as Tea!
You'll probably with me agree,
Regarding that same town of B.,
That luckless MR. FENNELLY,
And likewise Ma. VAnDERBYt,
Most probably henceforward will
Have lost all relish for their Tea.
Right to a T-not s. d.,
One letter only and not three,
Oh, Mn. F., and Mn. V.,
Had you but been, you still might sup
Without a qualm your steaming cup
Of that delightful beverage Tea!


The Illuminate.
We were charmed on reading, the other day, a paragraph headed,
"Illumination of the Human Body." We felt no body more required
it, so we at once perused the announcement, which says:-
Dr. Milio, the celebrated surgeon of Kieff, has recently been at St. Petersburg, ex-
plaining a means he has invented of illuminating tle body by means of the electric
light to such an extent that the working of the human machine may be observed,
almost as if skin aed flesh were transparent.
Ha, ha! thought we, this is indeed good news for a number of dense
people who are sadly in need of enlightenment. But the next moment
our jaw fell. We read:-
The Moscow Gazette asserts that, to demonstrate the feasibility of his process,
Dr. Milio placed a bullet inside his mouth and then lighted up his face, upon which
the bullet became distinctly visible through his cheek.
He could not light up the bullet-lead is not to be illuminated from
the inside! Alas, for the heads of the people, for whom we were
expecting such advantages.

An Epigram.
BY A MODERN MAR-SHAWL.
THE Dux OF EnIN BRoG, When at Lahore, was offered by the Maharajunh of
Cashmere a shawl which had incessantly occupied 300 weavers for three years, end
no such shawl had ever before been manufactured. As the Duke refused to accept
so costly a gift, the Maharajah asked him to transmit it to the Queen.
To estimate a gift so dear
Were useless-do nob try it!
'Tis the chef d'euvre of Cashmere,
And no mere cash could buy it.







]p T111 N.--APRIL 9,1870.


N






-~


f


~j w~

K


(*f~~*~~ ,7':7-S--- -
N,-
,,j4 *-:f ______
__w


THE SWORD OF JUSTICE AND MERCY.


Mr. Gl*dst*ne (to Erin) :-" YOU WILL NOT UNSHEATHE IT UNLESS THEY COMPEL YOU!"


N ~'


I








APr L 9, 1870.]


FUN.


THADY DELANY ON THINGS IN PARTICULAR.
o 174, Little Pulteney Street, Soho. W.
EAR SIR,-Whin I wrote to ye last I was tellin' ye about me
visit to the House of Kommuns-begor 'tis the House of Kom-
mun informurs I'd call um meself, for whin they want yer vote
they'd sware they loved ye better than their own kith and kin
and that they'd die for Ireland, but whin they get ovur to Lundun 'tis
themselves that isn't long till they'd played God Save the Queen on
a Jew's harp, an ye have as much chance av getting' unm to do anything
for ye as ye have av getting' an Irish process-server to lend ye the price
ov a summuns.
MicK O BRIEN took me to a meeting' the other night. 'Twas so
crowded I couldn't get in. What are they tawkin' about now,
says I, to a man that was spakin' to a lot av people near him as
if he was a counsellor. They're saying' that the working' min
ought to immigrate if they want to make money. Well, says I,
I'm only a poor ignurant man, but begor if you can say any-
thing to the Guvirmint don't let 'em do that. If they do, maybe
they'll be coming' home with a vingince as they kawl it in Ireland. I
nivir knew what a vingince was meseif except 'tis the ind of a black-
thorn thick, but now they don't come back with a vingince but with
as many blundhurbusses and revolvurs as ud make accourtrimints for
a throop of artillery. An, says I, if there wasn't immigration from
Ireland there wouldn't be anny Fainyans and ye wouldn't be havin' to
desthruy the Irish Church that nivur did anny harm to anny wan if
sum av thim would maids wouldn't go on givin' tracks and soup to the
poor Catholics on Friday mornings for their breakfast and for the good
of their souls. Thin they began to tawk of the usage of land, but begor
'tis the usage of the poor tinants they ought to bother their heads
about a little more whin-the agints don't trate 'em half like Christians
as they do thim new mowin' and reapin' machines that takes all the
work out of the poor labourers' hands, and sinds uam ovur to Ingland
whare there isn't a chapel within twinty miles av where they're cutting'
down the crops. They put thim up safe enough in slated houses that
won't let a dhrop av rain in on 'em an they won't give us anything
betthur than a thatched cabin wid a hole in the ceilin'. But be the
powers, I d rather live in me own little corner than in the narrow durty
lanes that PAT CAAOA-er and some others of the Ballymurphy people
that come over to Ingland have to live in whare they get about as much
fresh air in the morning' as the ghost av CRUMWRLL.
The day afthur that MicK 0' Barie was reading' the paper, and says
I to him, What are they doin' in the House of Kommuns ? They're
bringing' in the Peace Preservation Bill, says he. Is that MR. GLAD-
STHONE, says I. No, says he, 'tis only a part of MR. GLADSTHOre'S
message av peace. He says peace now, begor, just as if he was born
and bred in Little Pulteney-street. Thin, says I, winkin' at his wife
as slyly as when first I met BmDDY at the pattern, 'tis a message av
police ye mane as the Nashunal Organs say, for be the powers ye can
naythur go to drive home the cows nor walk half a mile whin yere
goin' to a fair before ye meet a brace av peelers that ud sware next
morning' that your thick was a pike an your caubeen was a green
cockade. A couple av naybors kum in an they begin talking' about
what the Govirmint was goin' to do. Oh, says PAT CAILAGoAW,
they're going' to muzzle the Nashunal Organs an ye dinno how they're
goin' to do it. They're going' to sayze the plant as they call it. What
the divil is the plant, says I, an why do they give ordhurs to sayze
the plant for prachin' high treeson. I sware I didn't mane a joke, but
upon me sowl if ye heard 'um laughing' ye'd think every man jack av
'um had kum back from a christenin'. But, says I, whin they sayze
the Irish papurs, they might do something to put a stop on the Lon-
don scribblurs that's always prachin' that the Irish is only fit to
migrate or be shot. An thin thare's thim komick payriodicals that I
suppose yer honer never has time to look at, that dhraws thim pecturs
av the Fanyians, that I hear are taken from the fisionomies av the
men that write agin the poor Irish. 'Tis wandhurful agricultural the
Govirmint is becoming' all at wansth, for a couple av months ago they
wor saying' they'd root us in the sile an didn't, an now they're goin' to
desthruy the plants av the noosepapurs whatever the divil that part av
'um is. I suppose the plant is a flowery article. Well, says I, afthur
I kum over to Lundun, I thought the Fainyans wor wrong, but upon
me sowl after me own observation I believe they're not right enuff.
The Govirmint got poor O'DONOVAN RoSSA's letter translated into
Dutch; they promised to root us in the sile, an now they say that the
Sassenach and the Celt were both descinded from the kings av Ire-
land. Oh, meala-murther, just think av havin' a sisthur av CRUM-
WELL'S for yure granmuthur. But, be jabers, we have our rivinge.
There was that poor fire-aythur over in Spain that wus killed
the uther day be wan av his relashuns. I suppose he'd never
know what the Inglish fur an Irishman was, if MARSHUL
O'DONNELL and sum av thim other Brigade boys wasn't
out in forin parts to tell every wan in particular that there wasn't
anny wan like the Paddies, and who dare say black wus the
white av their eye. I suppose he thought the JuKE DE MuNPENc I
was a find av sum av the Irishmin, and so, says he, pyntin' to the


dasint gintlemun, Pat is here," fur he couldn't spake English no
more than Mica GILOOLY that kept the private still in Ballingarry
whin I was a gorsoon. But be all the goats in Kerry, if ye see the
way they put it in the papurs ye'd say that the people that printed um
could no more write than the parish clark could sing a komick song.
They spell it petissier, though what the divil that hieroglyfic manes
over the pat I can't make out except 'tis the triangle that the Nashunal
organs say they hung up O'DoNovAN RossA on, whin they flogged
him for not aytin' his sthurabout on his marrow bones wid his head in
the saucepan.
If the Bill for peace preserving' be carried, as they say,
How many Irish will be kilt before the 1st of May F
I can't answer that till they sayze the noosepapurs.
Yours most obadyently,
THADY DzBANY.

MY WARRIOR.
BY A BoxKEN-HEARTD ONE.
I LOVED him well, my warrior fine,
His figure tall, his height divine,
Moustache and whiskers black.
His boots, they had a warlike creak,
His voice, it had a martial squeak.
But all is o'er, alack!
I never saw his sword-but then,
I dreamt how it had slaughtered men
In battle's gory van.
His spurs-well, I have seen them. Yes !
For frequently they tore my dress,
When we to dance began.
He was a little bald a-top,
(Though he of whiskers had a crop)
But that I thought was due
To wearing his majestic casque.
I did not happen, though, to ask
If my surmise was true!
He was my bosom's only lord,
My captain, and my own adored,
My valiant son of Mars.
He vowed to wed me-but, alas,
Our wedding never came to pass!
(For which I thank my stars) I
Alas, that man is given to fib
With shameless cheek and accents glib !
For in the end I found
My warrior, rather bald a-top,
Assisted in a draper's shop,
And earned a weekly pound!
My brother to the captain went
Clearly to him to represent,
That, though a man of peace,
He meant to punch his head! The man
Of war turned pale, and shook, and ran,
And called for the police!

Stupid Statistics.
H:ts is a paragraph going the rounds which we don't think
quite on the square ":-
Mr. Elihn Burritt has made a curious calculation as to the waste of time and
money by the use of the single letter "u" in words from the Latin, where it is not
required, such as "labor, honor, vigor, favor," &c. He estimates the waste of
pens, ink, paper, type-setting and printing over the world at 10,000 a year.
As we have not yet Americanized our institution of spelling-
and we trust we never shall!-Ma. BUtaxTT might as well have taken
the "a" or "h" as the basis of his calculation; and his conclusion as
to the waste of time and money, if it means anything at all, is simply
an argument against writing and printing I Well, we won't deny
that the writing and printing of such a paragraph as we have quoted
may fairly be set down as waste of time and money.
Now that MR. ELIHU BUnIrTT has finished one "curious calculation,"
perhaps he will undertake another, and give us the result-" How
much time has an intelligent human being wasted in finding out at
what expenditure of time and money the letter u" is used ?'

From the Ring.
IF a gentleman leases out his shooting, why does he resemble a
prize-fighter following up a left-hander? Because he lets out his
right.






FUN.


[APrmI 9, 1870.


ON THE TOWPATH.
Putney.
SIR,-During the week both the Oxford and the Cambridge crews
have been out rowing, and I have lost no opportunity of observing
their movements. I have been very much disappointed in discovering
that after all I had heard of the difference in their styles, that both
sit with their backs the way they want to go, and that they both
allow themselves to be ordered about by little bits of chaps who do
little but bob backwards and forwards, and shout out. A man I met
on the path told me.the other day that the Oxfords were only pad-
dling, but as I had the pleasure of seeing the ROB RoY MACGREGOR in
his own canoe at the Crystal Palace, I knew better, and treated him to
the contempt he deserved. Besides, I am cautious of the folks on the
towpath, as for the first two nights I was down here they made me
expect a midnight trial, and I sat in a ditch by the soapworks with some
matches and a dark lantern, but the only thing I saw was a policeman
on the second night, who has promised, for a consideration, to let me
know when the private spin is to come off. I bought two beautiful
blue ties before I came down, one light and the other dark, and I used
to change them accordingly as I heard the opinions expressed by the
men who live at the waterside, but the man who is going to tell me
the winner positively to-night, has taken the dark blue and the only
clean shirt I had, so as to pay a visit to the crews. I will let you
know directly he returns, and shall expect you to put a bit on for me.
BY SPECIAL TELEGRAM.
My messenger has not returned, and I have just been informed that
he is a well known magsman.* I have therefore determined to sum
up for myself, and shall elect to be represented by
OXFORD,
to whom I shall look to furnish the absolute winner, and I see no reason
to doubt that the representatives of the Cam will carry out my pre-
diction by securing a place for themselves; indeed, so much do I like
the elegant manner in which the Light Blue have been rowing that
should anything happen to prevent my first choice winning, I have
every confidence in Cambridge, in which case, however, I think the
Oxonians will be sure to be a good second. AUGSPUR.
P.S.-I have just received news which has caused an alteration in
I don't know what that means; but it won't do to ask, as I am in an official
position.


my opinions. Both crews have rowed a minute in 35 strokes. There-
fore, I shall no longer hesitate, but give my decision in favour of a
dead heat, which will most probably commence opposite the Star and
Garter, but where it will end is at present impossible to say.
P.S. No. 2.-Sir, I little thought when I came here as your
representative, that I should be subjected to the indignity from whieh
I am now suffering. Was it not enough that I should spend three
nights in a ditch, and lose my shirt and necktie, without being dragged
like a felon to Wandsworth police station? The gentleman who
availed himself of my good nature and my clothes has been arrested
for picking pockets, and the policeman mentioned above has seized me
as an accomplice; and, horror! informed the bystanders that he had
watched me changing my disguises several times in a ditch! Here I
am in a cell, and in a few moments shall be placed in the felon's dock.
I, who never had the nerve to steal even a piece of sugar But they
little know I represent the press, and-but here they are who have
brought me to this.
(To be Continued.)


APRIL.
APRIL, child of sun and shower,
Mother of the daffydilly;
Listen, while I sing thy power-
Pardon me if I seem silly!
Thou'rt the season for creating
Fools of men of decent reason.
Thou'rt the time for renovating
Wardrobes for the coming season.
Thou'rt a period fitted rarely
For composing ritornellas :-
Thou'rt the month when one may fairly
Borrow all one's friends' umbrellas.

Suspending his Judgment.
BROWNE speaking of ROBINSON to JONES the other day, said "his
virtues may be summed up in a single line." Certainly," replied
JoxNs, if there is a noose at the free end! "


52








APRIL 9, 1870.] F U N 53


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 161.
IT's pleasant to know, if you put on your tin,
That the best men in this case are certain to win;
Your betting man's nose with contempt is up-curl'd
To think that such honesty's still in the world.
1. A good knight bore it fair upon his shield,
A traveller saw it, paid to make it yield;
A nation, too, saw it possessed a host
Of men whose tongues and noses were their boast;
A young man saw it, and it slaked his thirst;
It burnt a baby, carelessly 'twas nursed.
2. A poetess tells us "her mother is calling,
She sits at the lattice and hears the dew falling
Drop after drop from the sycamores laden
With dew as with blossom, and calls home the maiden."
Say, who is that maiden who, cover'd with shame,
Kept tryst in the greenwood ?-this answer's her name.
3. A genial giant
Who went out to fight,
With aspect defiant,
To war for the Right.
He fought for a majien,
His sister; with. ,pg
Bright sword was he laden,
His blow ws so 4 ,ra.
He struck down a :" party,"
Who rear-ward was carried ;
To him, when quite hearty,
The sister got carried.
4. The brave knights in the misty, early days
Of ancient Britain did deeds worthy praise:
We read, too, in the chronicles of yore,
That curious chains of gold they oft-times -wne.
SoLrxoN or AcEosTIc No. 160.-Stocks, Ladis : Stencil, Taran-
tella, Oyster-bed, Cenci, Kale, Syz4hesis.
Sea vonts oy AcuosTzi No. 159, xnca vD MAn o S3th, 1870.--leas cagreot.

A Bar Claim Barred.
THE following case is rather a peculiar one:-
A Barrister, practising in the Court of Chancery, on Monday applied to Lord
Justice Giffard in support of a claim for 700 against the executors of the late Lord
Mostyn. The sum sought to be recovered represented fees in respect of convey-
ancing, and other professional work which he had done for the late peer. The
Lord Justice held that a barrister could not recover his fees, and dismissed the
application, with costs.
It would spem therefore that the barrister who does not demand
money down can only claim the fee-simple-the very simple fee, in
fact, of no-pounds, and no-shillings, no-pence-nothing Henceforth a
barrister can present a strong claim for ready money as he cannot pre-
sent a fee-bill.

By Telegraph.
WE see it reported that Ma. F. J. ScunDAons, of the Post Office, is
to have a knighthood. Few men deserve the honour more-and he
deserves more than the honour in question. But we cannot but think
the time for conferring it is ill-chosen, considering the break-down of
the Post Office Telegraphs. Ill-natured people will say that Smi F. J.
ScuDAMonE was made a knight because he could not keep pace with the
requirements of the day.

What the Dickens next F
REALLY-really, MESSRS. CHAPMAN AND HALL Please revise your
announcement of DIcKENS'S last work!
THE MYSTERY or EDWIN DRooD
Of course it did, a work from the pen of Boz is always sure to dfkaw.
Please alter :-" The mystery of Edwin drew-you may add, if you
like, immensely!

Ought to be Re-named.
WE learn from a contemporary that an inhabitant of Grave, in
Holland, has recently registered the birth of his thirty-second child.
So prolific a locality should be christened Cradle rather than Giave.

The Evidence ,of the Senses.
WE should like to have it explained to us, how it is that a positive
colour can be produced from two negatives. You don't believe it ?
Why, when once a thing is done in black and white, it becomes read.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
MR. F. W. RonINsoN's new novel True to Herself (SAMPSON Low
AND Co.) assuredly shows that the author has been true to himself,
inasmuch as he has given us one of his brightest and most original
stories in these attractive-looking three volumes. There are hundreds,
nay thousands of novels published nowadays, but the majority of them
are a weariness to the soul, and we execrate our MUDIE for sending
them to us. If we are compelled to review them we envy the paper-
knife that can pass through the dreary pages without reading any-
thing, and we feel murderous towards the unhappy authors. But Ma.
ROBINSON is always welcome. He gives us thoroughly artistic stories,
written in excellent English, charming piotures of scenery, clover *ad
telling sketches of character, and all bis books (as a great poetess
wrote of her poet husband) show:-
A4heart within blood-tinctured, of avyBuAed humanity.
HE.ye we said enough to make every ~eia le man-i.e., every reader
of FPu, devote a day to this admirable gqyel f We 0ope so, and t4at
ruee to flerself msy have all the .succe.p4 ep*tses.
IT is a little .di& plt to understand m.#W ~ot l have indacadi 4 F.
G. to publish a.ittile brochure entitled. 4jgaigswef g# oeux d'Esprit, wen
in Edinburgh, where it SYDNr SMIwH Qer r e #p4t, a bad joko puight
pss as a good one, aca:. ording to the 4pWMh proverb, "in the kdpg-
doE of the talid the ca-eyed is king 1" sgivo a few exawqplos.-
It matfiatom worthy of a dulXiy ,
e nickname him .who wsat. ppn y a funkey.
When our ;s4ers have, *igestedthit orsel, let them try t :---
ovsTBB.
In every mop.h ae oys. $ ,caught
In wbhl we fi, ;
But itn sl apthp f fetary
Ire ,uid is an B.-.
A surgical opera on would be as excusably as neceBsqi$y diemAoded
by any .oe 4esiaos of apprcia' witb of this kind, ,e.ye tphongh o
werp bi a Soujihro loon. But eryev kept the h~at $ lqot.

Lunatic Asylums are built fr t 44,
This shows aberration of mnwl
Sore, it would not be reason sig 50
If the Sane alone were confined.
But, we would add, in that case what is to be done with the idiots ?
Perhaps A. F. G. can tell us.

Down Again Even Money Taken.
A vERY condescending announcement on the part of our baker.
Even money taken! Diamonds, plate, and jewellery taken in exchange
-we expect to see next-what a consolation for the penniless poor-
but perhaps after all it is only a curious form of moneymania.



[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible.for loss.3
MrMN E. C. KERR.-A mild imitation of Orpheus C. Kerr-many smiled
in the distance.
PossIL.-That joke was in FUN three years ago I
VIRGINIA-STREET.-lhe subject is threadbare.
MATADon.-You may understand Spanish politics, we know no more
about them than A-dor-mat.
BAnU.-Any relation to the celebrated Ethiopean poet, known as "do-
bar'd ob reason ''
ELM.-Witch elm ?-don't come a-rowan' us Of course, we were not
going to insert your "original" pun upon (h)oaks!
A Cuss says be is not "used to such treatment "-it is a pity he is not
a. cuss-tombed to it!
PATERFPAMILLIAS.-" That's why !" We wish we could return the
compliment, and say, "that's wise;" you old goose-why two ""1 s in
your name ?
JEANIE (Primrose-hill).- Sorry to have to decline your MS. If we
were but a poet instead of an editor, Jeanie of Primrose Hill" would
suggest something prettier than waste-paper basket.
G. L. B. (Glasgow).-You had better stop it there.
G. (Leominster) will see.
Declined with thanks :-A. W., Ox: and Camb: Club; C. W. M.;
Noddy; E. 0., Aberystwyth; F. W. T.; E. L, Liverpool; J. A. R.;
Tinnywik; F. W. P.; H. M Birmingham; F. G. W., Bromptom;
Myops; One Who Heard It; Blue Pill; J. J., Chancery-lane; N. or M.;
Pharmakos; Shrew; F. T., Stoke-on-Trent; Tummy; A. H., Greenwich;
C. W., Sudbury; W. 0. Bowdon; D.N., Edinburgh; R. D., Kirkcaldy;
B. B.; C. B., Brompton; J. G.; Wilkie; P., Warrington Terrace; Toodles ;
Novus Homo; B. W., Dalston; T. S. L.; F., Liverpool; J. S., Liverpool;
Nem. Con.; The Old Ross; V. ; K. K. K., Kingsland ; Nobody's Aunt;
W. J. ; Cookie; B., Leeds; G. S. W. ; R. T., Manchester.







FUTN.


!AraIL 9, 1870.


CHATS ABOUT NAGS.
ABRRIL.
IN the Cornhill Ms. CHAnLmS RBADE proves himself the master of
"sensation." When you think it impossible for him to increase the
interest, he piles up the agony with unexpected ease, until you are
half inclined to wish April over in order to get his next instalment.
"At Rome" is so good that it is a pity it is defaced by slovenliness.
The other articles are good, and "Against Time" increases in power.
But how could its author be guilty of the blunder of describing the
gillies as "prone on their backs" ?
In Tinsley's the story of George Canterbury's Will" seems draw-
ing to a close. What was it ?" is a thriller, not to be read after
dusk. The other contents are varied and readable, and the magazine
is much improved by not being overloaded with serial novels.
Brdgravia opens with the first chapters of Miss BRADDON'S new
novel, which we could wish more effectively illustrated. There is
some very nice verse, Barren Vows," by MR. MEW, whose name is
new, if we may be pardoned the rhyme. Mn. SALA is amusing in his
chat about The New Cut," but we fear he is out in his judgment of
"Ned Wright." A very curious paper is "Russia and Nicholas the
First."
Temple Bar begins a new novel by MR. GILBCERT, which promises
well. A First Love is a strange, but very readable story. The


other contents are much the same as usual, but we cannot say we care
for the verse, which scarcely rises above "words for music standard.
London Society is full of pictures, the best being MR. MAHONEY'S
"Drawing Room." The literature, perhaps in consideration of the
boat-race, is of the University University-ish. MR. SAWYER'S verses
are the gem of the number.

SPRING.
Br A LovEn OF Wr.NTa.
SNowDROPS, hyacinths, and such,
May be very well, in reason.
Here's a thing afflicts me much-
Oranges are out of season!
Roses may be coming in-
Lots of other flowers, no doubt !
Why about them make a din-
Are not chestnuts going out ?
Talk of springtime gay and bright,
Long, long days in fields of clover!
We've no night when it's so light-
And, hang it, all the fires are over!


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Mesers. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture. they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, clasified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: April 9, 1870.


564


NOT MUCH OF A CATCH.
Well, you see they were playing Blindman's Biuf, the night after the party, and JULIA being blindfolded did not, know it was the man coming
to move the piano !








APitm 16, 1870.] FUN )5 r


THE LADY'S WHISPER.
THE race was o'er, the day was done,
And Cambridge had borne off the bell;
There came along a lonely one,
An unmistakable young swell,
Who sadly wandered on down Piccadilly,
To call upon his own affianced, LILY.


Upon his breast a badge he wore,
A ribbon of the darkest blue.
I should perhaps have said before
He went in for the Oxford crew.
Being a member of that University,
But LILY lived in London, which is her city,
Though she a brother has, called SAM,
On whom she with affection doats,
Who had been nurtured by the Cam,
And sent her tips about the boats.
He had gone into residence at Trinity,
A scholar and a student of divinity.
So LILY scarce knew what to do-
Between the claims of Cam and Isis,
And so she backed at last the two
(Which a most singular device is).
And thus she made it right with one and t'other,
Her dark-blue lover and her light-blue brother.
And now 'tis night, and all is dark-
The stars are trembling in the shade,
And under LILY'S lattice, hark !
Her lover comes to serenade.
But LILY whispers to him as he lingers -
"Six and a quarter, dearest, and long fingers."

To Materfamilias.
AsE you desirous that your charming daughters should
not give themselves airs? Then let a pianoforte
"Caprice form no part of their musical studies.

A Good Turn Appreciated.
BESTOW a glass of sherry on a bottle of seltzer, and it
at once becomes a "grateful" beverage.

Self Evident.
THERE is one good feature even in a bear-garden-it
cannot contain the apple of discord.


I I


THINKING ALOUD.
Little Fitch:-" THI, SIR, IS MY PICTURE THAT WAS IN THE ACADEMY
LAST YEAR! "
Possible Patron (with bad habit of thinking audibly) :-" AH, INDEED. (To
himself, aloud). WHAT COULD MAKE THE HANGERS PUT SUCH A THING AS THAT
ON THE WALLS ? HE MUST HAVE OFFENDED THEM IN SOME WAY."


SPECIAL POLITICAL INFORMATION.
JUST as we were going to press we received exclusive information of
a pending political revolution of a grave character. The little band
ot patriots who since the opening of Parliament have been wisely,
nobly, and disinterestedly endeavouring to frustrate the efforts of the
Government to give peace and prosperity to Ireland, have arrived at
the decision that the time for half-measures is past, and that the
hour has struck when England shall assume her proper position in
relation to Ireland. "Too long has the proud Saxon "-but we antici-
pate. A little difficulty has arisen as to the precise wording of the
proclamation, and we may not at present quote from its spirit-stirring
sentences. Suffice it to say that matters have so far progressed that
the present Ministry will immediately be called upon to resign, and
that the New Cabinet has already been formed. We have reason to
believe that the following gentlemen have accepted office:-
First Lord of the Treasury . MR. BAGWELL.
Chancellor of the Exchequer . THE 0'CONNOa DON.
Secretary of State for Home Department Me. CALLAN.
,, Foreign ,, SIR JOHN GRAY.
,, ,, Colonial ,, MR. WHALLEY.
Mem. Scotland, the Isle of Man, and England, will henceforth come
within the jurisdiction of this office.
Secretary of State for India . MR. MAGUIRE.
,, ,, War . COLONEL WHITE.
Chief Secretary for Ireland . MR. SEYMOUR.
First Lord of the Admiralty . SIR PATRICK O'BRIEN.
Attorney General for Ireland . MR. Mc CARTHY
DOWNING.
Solicitor ,, . Ma. CHARLEY.
President of the Board of Trade MR. G. H. MOORE.
Postmaster General . SIR J. ESMOND.
President of the Poor Law Board MR. BRYAN.


It may be objected to this Cabinet that the holders of the various
offices possess no special qualification for the special appointments.
We don't know that that matters much, but as the explanation is at
hand, we may just say that as the only means'of settling a storm which
arose upon the distribution of the offices, it was decided that they
should be drawn out of a hat. The exception was made in favour of
MR. WHALLEY, who stipulated for the Irish secretaryship as the only
price of his adhesion. This was conceded; but yesterday it transpired
that the right honourable gentleman had made arrangements for sig-
nalising his advent to power by dispatching throughout Ireland a
band of lecturers, with the mission to make known to the peasantry the
evils of Popery, and there being a difference of opinion in the Cabinet
as to the efficiency of these means of restoring peace, MR. WHALLETY
was induced to exchange places with the Colonial Secretary. At first
he declined, except upon the condition that he might have MR. MUIIrPH
as Under Secretary, but ultimately his objections were overcome by
the prospect of the opportunity which the appointment afforded of
getting to the bottom of that correspondence with SIR ALEXANDER
GALT, which the outgoing Government refused to show him.
It is needless to say that several important reforms will be brought
forward by the new ministry, but at present we cannot do more than
give the indication afforded by the note attached to the Colonial
Secretary's appointment.

W. or V.
WE have received a protest from a cockney subscriber d-propos
of this:-
In May next, Sir William Vite will retire from the presidency of the Royal
Institute of British Architects. The Council has nominated as his successor
Mr. T. H. Wyatt.
Our cockney friend wants to know how people will be able to dis-
tinguish between VITE and VYATT.


VOL. XL F









FUN.


[APRIL 16, 1870.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, April 13th, 1870.
'OW that the Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race is over people
N' have time to turn their attention once more to the political
poultry yard, and see what is being hatched there. There is
always a fair amount of cackle to be heard going on in the
palatial roost at Westminster. but just now there is a more than
ordinary cry of triumph; the "kuk-kuk-kuk-a-larkuk! which
always announces the maternal pride and joy of a proper-minded hen
who has just laid an egg !
It must be with this kind of pardonable vanity and justifiable
gratification that the Chancellor of the Exchequer regards the Easter
egg, in the form of a budget, which he has just laid on the table.
During the brief Easter recess it will be hatched out under the vivify-
ing influence of public opinion, and the chick will doubtless soon run
alone. MB. GLADSTONE may fairly crow over the achievement of the
Chancellor, who has converted in so short a time-even though we
grumbled about his taxation schemes- a deficiency into a surplus.
How he intends to distribute that surplus, what burdens he will
remove, and what gifts he will confer, we refrain from stating, chiefly
because, at the time of our going to press, we don't know anything
about the budget, as MaR. LowE has not yet produced it!

WEV learn that E, ou Frou is to be introduced in an English form to
the British public at the Olympic Theatre this week. The cast is a
strong one, and the way in which it will be put on the stage will be
worthy of the management, which has produced Little Emn'ly and The
Princess, and which is a sufficient guarantee, moreover, that anything
objectionable in the French piece will be eliminated.
At the St. James's Mas. JOHN WVOOD has retired for a time, andgiven
place to M-iss EMILY T'OHNF, who made her debilt with great success
as Pocahontas, on Tuesday, the 4th instant.

As in Prmsenti.
BUeADLAUGH, the person who describes himself as Iconoclast, has
been discoursing in his intellectual and refined manner on the story of
Balaam. He is reported to have argued thus-
The stupid donkey" saw an angel when a prophet did not, and the conclusion
was ar'riva at that-a prldtlht could not see what was patentrto an ass, and therefore,
we should not believe anything a prophet-ever said.
If that particular "stupid donkey," however, displayed a ready
appreciation of celestial things, his clearness of vision has been made-
up by the blindnessof a lot of donkeys since then, who won't believe
anything beyond the ends of their noses, and keep braying to prove it.

Gratitude.
AN American paper records the following touching incident:-
A prominent citizen at Adrian, Michigan, lost his pocket-book, containing 8,000
dots. When the finder, a your man, returned it to him, the overjoyedcitizen, out
of the depths of his gratitude, off- red the you'ig man a cigar for h:s trouble I Such
acts relieve umniaen nature of any charge involving sordiduess or meanness. .
Well, all we can say is that we have generally found gratitude end
in smoke. But we are bound to add, in justice to the prominent
citizen of Adrian, that we should not have complained if the smoke
had been anything as good as cigar -smoke.

The Kettle begins to Sing.
THERE are testimonials-and testimonials. The following has the
right ring about it. A silver tea and coffee service, kettle and salver.
with a purse of sovereigns (we hope a heavy one), has been presented
to a Gloucester surgeon. The salver bears the following inscription:-
"Presented to THOMAS HicKEs, EsQ., Surgeon, by the inhabitants
of Gloucester, as a token of their appreciation of his benevolence to
the poor during a long series of years.-March 17th 1870."
To this we only add-Bravo! HIeKP.S !

Furniture Removed.
Nor without good reason does the above advertisement meet the- eye
at every turn. The greater portion of modern furniture is undoubtedly
a long way removed-from good taste.*
Yes! And as to cheap furniture, you had better let them remove it if they wish
to do so, for if you don't, after a very little wear the backs and legs of the chairs,
and the castors of the tables and sofas, arc sure to take themselves off I


A NORSE LEGEND.
With a Plain Commentary.
HORSTEIN was a sea-
..-king bold-
What they call a
Viking:
(Chaps who suited tastes
of old
SkaMore than modern
liking.)

SeRAGANoX, the ancient
Scald,
Thus his history
chanted.
(RAGANOOK, the bard was
bald,
That you took for
Wile -re granted!)
"THORSTEIN," says this
d- w -ih bard, says he,
SSuch On his ship, the
Thunder,
Hoisted sail, and put to
e nsea,
Bound on war and
plunder.
"At the top a pennon
grand,
At the prow a dragon,
n the deck- and close at
hand-
Stood a well filled
flagon.
"ThoRSTEIN drank an shouted Skoal!'
Skoal !' with martial hiccup!
Seldom have you, on the whole,
Known a wilder kick-up!
"He was took with Berserk bad
Sailing o'er the water,
Luckily he no one had
With him there to slaughter.
"Of the Nisses or the Necks "-
RAGANOK Wwas muddled
Which it was. Such words perplex
Bards who are befuddled.
"Any how a mermaid rose
While- brave Thorstein clamoured.
And with him, as you'll suppose,
Quickly grew enamoured.
"Such sweet songs to him sang she,
He no. longer tarried-
Sprang at once into the sea, '
And that mermaid married!"
This was RAoAxox's account
Of this happy clearance
(For to-that was tantamount
TioasTmue's disappearance)-
THORSTrIN's death the bard has drest
In romantic fiction.
Here's for those who like it best
In unvarnished diction:
Here the truth then I record
Whereon that was founded-
THOaSTEIN tumbled overboard
Tipsy, and was drowned!


Serve him Right.
WE hear with unmitigated hatisfactiont'hatthe person who went to
see 'Twixt Axe and Crown, in expectation of finding a "header" in
the piece, left disappointed.

"IT's a poor heart that never rejoices; but it's.hard lines for those
who have to look plleasant over. skilliy!lee.


I 56








FUN.


AUGSPUR AT THE BOATRACE.
(Co,,cluded from p. 52.)
JusT after sending you my last despatch from Wandsworth, I was
requested to attend on the magistrate, and as I had no option but to
comply, in a few minutes [ found myself in a little square box in com-
pany with the man who had so cruelly misled my unsuspecting self.
A policeman stood-by holding the shirt and dark blue tie which were
supposed to criminate me; and when I entered, the magistrate
expressed his sorrow that-so-respectable-looking an individual as your
special commissioner should be in such a degrading position. Sir,-
Believe me, you are mistaken," said I, and at once informed him how
you, dear Fus, had sent me down, and how, with that genuine honesty
of purpose which has always characterized me, I had been led to con-
fide in one who-had betrayed my confidence. At the conclusion of my
story, the court was deeply affected, a tear trickled down the venerable
nose of the president, while the clerk and several stalwart policemen
sobbed audibly. And thus," said the "beak (so called in the lan-
guage of Wandsworth and vicinity), "is confiding human nature ever
blighted. Go, sir, to those duties which are at once the flower and the
ornament of the London press (I subscribe to FUN ); your pardon, as
you have committed no offence, is freely accorded ; but remember,
should you again come here, a different view may be taken of the
question. You are free! I leaped from the dock lightly, and bow-
ing gracefully, was about to depart, when my old friend the constable
stopped me and presented my shirt and necktie. What shall I do
with these ? thought I. It will not doto wear them after that man.
Why should I not be charitable ? Take them," with a majestic
wave of the band, "Irpresentthem to thepoorbox; and amid the cheers
of those who thronged the court and its approaches, I marched out.
How to get to Putney in time for the start, was my next thought-
also how to escape from the congratulations of a lot of men whom I
had never seen before and never wish to behold again, unless it be to
recover, my pocket-handkerchief, which it is unpleasant to lose when one
suffers from chronic cold in the head. Seeing my difficulty, a sharp
dark man, who I afterwards heard was named Bright-eyed BILL the
Kentish Town bookmaker, asked me to jump into his trap, and behind
a fast mare we trotted off to the place where press boats on these aus-
picious occasions do resort. BILL told me that he had watched me
in the court, where he had been to bail a "pal," who the night before
hid suddenly imagined himself the stroke of Cambridge, and had
insisted on fighting the- rest of-the crew. Why the stroke shoulddo
this did not eventuate. When we -reached The Bells, the crowd was so
intense that I had to fightimy-way to the water's edge, and though I
was called stupid by several people, notably by one fat old lady who
threw a large piece of fat from a gigantic meat pie at me, I treated
them with the dignity becoming your representative. Hailing a
wherry, I requested-to be put on board a steamer, and was soon taken
to one on which I recognized my old friend.Mit. WALEs, who together
with his chum HERR TCKx was leaning over the bows. Where are
you a-com'in to ? asked a rough fellow at the gangway. On board,"
replied I, in a dignified manner. "Not if I knows it," said Cerberus,
"nothing but dooks, markivisses, and ryle blood to day. Who are
you ?" Steadily I gazed upon him, and scornfully replied with but
one word-" FuN." Oh, BILa, here's a lark. Here's a bloke wants
to come aboard for fun. Why, you couldn't come here for-money."
"But I'm for the press." "Well, then, just press off, over the way
for writers' telegrams." Accordingly we steered for the other boat,
and after some little difficulty I was admitted on board by a gentle-
manly man with iron-grey hair. I had hardly settled down when a
tall, rawboned man asked me if I smoked, and when I replied in the
affirmative, assured me that he had the very best tobacco in the world,
and offered me some. You know," said he, '- I deal in it, and there-
fore I know what's what." "Well, aren't you a pressman ? asked I.
" No, but if I had: the opportunity I could write the best boat-race in
the papers, and I got the ticket, thinking somebody here might want
one done." "The very thing," thought I. "Do me a report and
let me have it by the time we get back to London." Agreed on,"
and immediately he began to work. I strolled away, and soon found
that a little washed-out looking man, with flaxen whiskers and watery
eyes, was following me. I stopped, and he came up, and in a voice
strongly suggestive of his native Edinburgh, asked me if he might try
a report for me. "It is the greatest ambition of my life to be regarded
as a lit'ry man," said he, "but I can't get the opportunity of show-
ing my ability; will you give me a trial ? I said I would, and away
he also went to work. Well, I saw the race, and when we got near
the Temple on our way home, I was presented with the manuscripts of
my tall friend and the little flaxen Scotchman, who, I have since
heard, keeps a paper alive for his own amusement, but can't get anyone
to buy copies of it. So great is his desire for journalistic fame, that he
pays a man a pound a week for ideas! Just as I was stepping off the boat,
an elderly man in a most remarkable coat, evidently made for a stage
coachman, slipped a packet into my hand and disappeared. Carefully
sorting my MSS. I got home as fast as I could, and sat down to select
my copy. Commencing with the Scotchman's, I found it opened thus:


It were a fin race. It wore between Oxford and between, ,,,,1.,11. When
they wear started they went away, and i race began never '. i ..- i. ...it as
they rowed all the wa y--
I couldn't go any further with this, so I turned to the account of my
tall friend, and read :-
Little, perhaps, does the waters of the mighty River Thames, rising under the
name of the Isis, about 2 miles S. of Cirencester, and near Lechlade, about 133
miles frons London, b-coming navigable for barges, a d after receiving various
t ibutaries, including the Thaie, is killedd the Thames-little, I say do the waters
of that mighty river which goes down to the sea under innumerable shipping retk
of the glorious and never-to-be-forgotten-for it was the best that ever took place
-struggle of to day, for there they both raced all along-the course--
In despair I closed this up, but still hoping for the best, turned to my
mysterious contribution from the watchbox-coated individual, and
having opened it beheld the following:-
The strains of blood which course through the veins of the antagonistical oppo-
nents of to-day have a marked effect upon their peculiar and personal appearance.
That the sanguineous and lif'--ustaining element is blue in both, and ticrefore of
the finest quality, is betokened bvy the colours of thle coxswains, tEle best represen-
tatives of the breed, and aits daik blue is ia miulch faster colour, and also stays
better than light, I don't for a moment see why people should wonder how it is
Oxford has won nine times running. To-day's race is easily e tied. Cambridge
went in front and kept there, and that's all. But as for the blood, I'll prove how
Oxbford ought to have won ayhow-
Dropping the paper I was about to give up altogether, owhen a
sudden thought struck me. Why shouldn't I do the account myself ?
Why not indeed ? Calling for various pens and inks, I fortified my
frame and commenced, and this is the result:-
It would be hard to imagine a filer day or a more animated scene than when, n0
Putney clock was striking live, the dark blue boatwas seen to dart out from the
boathouse. Cheer after cheer rang out to greet them as they rested oni their oars
and waited for their opponents, who were some eight minutes behind time. When,
however, the Cantabs did show, it was easy to discover who were the favourites in
the public mini, the light blue being received with an enthusiasm never before
witnessed on thle banks of the river. In another minutes each ship is at its post,
Oxford outside, and when the signal is given the dip is simultaneous. Goldie, the
Cambridge stroke, is the more lively, and by the time the boathouses are rtacherd
his drawn a quarter of a length ahead, and if delight is to be manifested by fraintic
yells and extraordinary gesticulations, the majority of the vast concourse must be
indeed enraptured. By the time half a mile has been covered the Cambridge boat
is half a length first, and at Craven Point this has been increased to three-quarters.
Here Oxford steer out to get the benefit of the title, but what they gain one way
is lost another. D.irbishire calls on his men, and they answer so well that at Rose-
bank the Camnibridge crew have hard work to hold their advantage. In the shoot
over to the Soapvworks the pale blue again go away a little, and by the time this
point is reached, the representatives of the Isis, amid an uproar the like of which
we have never before heard, are decided to be just a length behind. Time ini'i,.
40 sec. Seeing his desperate position, Darbishire rakes a most wonderful burst,
and his coxswain steering with great judgment, the dark blue begin inch by inch
to pick up, and at Hammersmith have got back half a length of their opponents'
lead. Time, 8 mill. 14 sec. For the nextqu -rter oft a mile doiis Darbishire continue
to gain, and as this is the spot where Oxford have so often cut down their rivals, the
friends of the dark blue are sanguine, but nearing Chiswick it is apparent that thl
winners of former years are doomed to defeat on the present occasion, as Goldie
tries them with an unanswered spurt, and again leads by a length. Satisfied that
he can go away when he likes, the Carntab stroke holds them only till Harlies is
reached, and opposite the Bull's Head suddenly dashes away, and the race is
virtually over, for though the Oxonians try to spurt they are iall to pieces, nud
light blue paddles in to Mortlake the winner of one of the finest races (lor three
miles) ever seen in 22 min. 7 see.


THE IMAGE OF DESPAIR.
A STREET IDYLL.
I FELL across a squalling brat
The other day as I was strolling;
And marvelled much what she was at,
Within the miry kennel rolling.
Her cap was off- her tresses torn,
Her eyes were red and swoln with weeping;
I pondered on her gazo forlorn,
And analytic mode of peeping.
And soon my philanthropic breast
Was heaving with intense emotion;
She seemed so eager in her quest -
I asked the cause of such devotion.
She answered, twixtt a sob and cry,
"My mother sent me for some butter ;
Please, sir, it won't my fault-oh! my-
I've dropped the tanner down the gutter!"

Old Saws with New Handles.
A tanD in the hand "-should be held oarefully,.or it may injure
itself in its struggles.
"A cat may look"-the picture of innocence, but don't leave it
alone with the canary.
The cobbler's wife is "-in the habit of describing her husband as
a shoemaker.
"A nod is as good as "-a bid, with most auctioneers.
"Those who play at bowls "-mustn t do it for beer or money now-
adays, for fear of the police !


Aerpn 16, 1870.]









S58 FUN. [ArmRIL 16, 1870.


- ~~1~ -


THE CONSCIENTIOUS CABBY,
Who rashly attempted to understand the New Cab Regulations. He is now in Colney Hatch.
[Don't tell ME. BuncE.


Add Nauseam.
IF we may credit the Hereford Times, Newport, in Monmouthshire, ought to have a special
clause of its own in the Education Bill, enforcing the teaching of Addition not only at the
schools but at the Boards of Guardians in that locality. A collector of rates applied for an
annuity on retirement, and a guardian asked what his salary had been.
Mr. Brown asked what were the exact figures.
The Clerk: His salary as collector was 80, and as assistant overseer 30-making altogether 120.
We should have thought 80 and 30 were not figures exactly calculated to make 120.
The Newport guardians supply their own figures perhaps, and a pretty set of figures they
must be! _
THE COBBLER'S DREAM OF BLIss.-" I'd welt in marble halls."


Thank you for-Nothing!
THE Sultan offer d to grant to his Ministers
of War and Finance twenty-four thousand
pounds as a reward for their services. Their
refusal to accept that sum is spoken of in the
press as an example of disinterestedness. Was
it dictated by an absence of interest, or by a
lack of capital ? The grounds for the refusal
are that "the present state of the Ottoman
finances" imposes limits on the Sultan's
generosity. Might not this mean that the
ministers are saying, Thank you for nothing
-but we don't care to take it."

Bark-is Willin'.
WE have received a sample of SrxATT's
Fibrine Dog Cakes, which, as they contain
meat as well as meal, cannot be noticed
with the cereals in "Chats about Mags."
But in the interest of our four-footed friends,
we find space to bear testimony to their
excellence as food for dogs. They supersede
in a handy form the old-fashioned greaves,
paunches, and barley meal, and are far more
wholesome, and nutritious.

Not Enough.
HERE be startling statistics:-
Of the four million of persons of African descent in
the United States, it is estimated that fully 600,CG>
are professors of religion.
Out of four millions only six hundred thou-
sand professing to be religious! They don't
mean to say they have three million four
hundred thousand who practise, instead of
professing religion ? If they have-happy
country !

Sudden Poverty.
THE Epoca, of Madrid, relates that during a
recent performance at the Zarzuela Theatre
the ante-chamber of a box was robbed of all
the cloaks belonging to its occupants. It is
clear that, however wealthy they might have
been on entering the house, they left it with-
out a (w)rap!

Sprinkling and Inkling.
HE who would lift his hand against a
woman save in the way of kindness-no, that
is not it, though we have heard something,
like it before. What we mean, is that no gen-
tleman would cast an aspersion on a lady-
unless, indeed, it were of lavender water,
sprinkled from one of LEWIs's Aspersors, in
which case she would not object to the deli-
cate insinuations.

Lune-ah, see.
YEs-here itis:-
The Lancaster Lune Shipbuilding Company is to be
wound up voluntarily. A resolution to this effect was.
adopted at a special meeting of the shareholders.
Ah not the only lune" that has come to
grief of late years !

Geneological.
"UN LE Dick's Darling "-well, if he's,
Darling and he is his niece's paternal uncle,
she should be a Darling, too.

A POSTING HousE.-Tattersall's.
GhE SOFTLY. Children of a .Yiger
growth."- Bavarian brewers.
THE PERFECTION OF POLITENESS.- Offering
a standing joke a seat.
THE BEST PREFERENCE SHARE.- One's
better half.









A^


/-


-.9


2~


-~

~-~-- '-~


THE EASTER EGG.


~iIL


~


C


I *i








APRIL 16, 1870.]


FUN.


Wrs. atown an Things in -nerTal.


3 MRS. BROWN AND THE CABMAN. b
ON'T tell me about now cab laws for I'm sure they was bad
(f, enough-afore, but now what they've come to goodness gracious i
only knows where they'll stop, as is what they never will do s
when a going' 'ome to their teas, as'll take and look down that c
contempshall at you a-'ailin' one, and as to a-stoppin' when they've
knocked any one down they'll lash the 'orse to furies to-get round the I
corner without their numbers bein' took, the same as they did that 8
time as they knocked poor M ns. AcocK off the top of a family's linen t
in 'er own cart a-turnin' the corner of Bryanstone-square, as r
always went a-collectin' of a Monday, and come for herselff through
a-likin' the ride, and as to AcocK's bein' in liquor on his wrong side,
why it wasn't likely with 'er along with him as had a eye like a 'awk
agin drintin' and never more than tuppence in 'is pocket.
But as I were a-sayin' them cabs always was nuisances and always
will be. What with 'avin' their winders broke and swarin' as you'd
done it in pullin' 'em up, and that dirty as spilte my clean musling
last summer, the first time of putting' it on, through a-settin' down
unawares on three black 'art cherries as some one 'ad left on the seat,
and is no doubt the way as young CHEMSFOOT caught the measles that
Christmas eve, as others had done afore 'im, and will agin no doubt
through being a thing as is very ketchin', cabs or no cabs. They do
say as 'ansoms is safer but then there's the wheel to be thought.on in
getting' in and out, let alone that shelter bein' let down sudden on the
bridge of your nose unawares and the whip nearly cutting' of your eye
out; as I know'd a gent myself as it happenedd to a-goin' out for-the
day to the Darby, with a flower in 'is coat, dressed that lovely in shiny
boots, and got such a flick in the heye as spilte 'is beauty and'his
pleasure too, with a deep blue wail across the face as nearly tore 'is
whiskers out by the roots, and I 'ave 'card tell of a real live lord as
never wouldn't get-into a 'ansom cab for fear of ketchin' the glanders
through inalin' of the 'orse's breath as will toss up their 'eads a
snortin', but then he was a idjot as didn't ought to 'ave been let go
nowhere alone, as is what a many of them harristocracy runs to
in cabs.
Not as I am one for getting' into none on 'em myself in a 'urry
without making' a bargain fust, through well a-knowin the hawful
abuse as cabs is give to, as ain't pleasant at your own door step,
bringing' a crowd round with the neighbours' 'eads out of the winder
both sides, as p'raps you ain't friends with and shouldn't 'ave done it
only through bein' in a-'urry for to get there with every buss full as
a tick, as the sayin' is; and wantin' to see poor Mas. AMBIN' afore
she died, as was out by the Kilburn-road with the bronchitus. So I
'ails a cab in the Strand, where the 'bus put me down, as 'ad a flag
a-flyin' with two shillin's a 'our on it, and I says to the cabman,
"Now mind, I takes you by the 'our as it's two shillin's."
Yes, marm," says he. I says, "Now drive on to the Edgware-
road, and keep on till I stops'you when I wants you to pull up." But
of all the crawlers as ever I did see that 'orse were the slowest as
didn't seem to 'ave no life in'im and 'ad growed quite grey through
hage, not as grey 'airs is always hold hage for I was a-turnin' grey
myself afore-thirty and know'd a party once as 'ad a grey look in the
front from hinfancy.
So I puts my 'ead out of the winder and says, "Do get on, my good
man." He says, "You get in will you, and don't be 'angin' out of the
winder with your weight.as is enuff to upset the cab as'll crack your
nut like that 'ere Fenian kernel besides a-tearin' of the door off the,
'inges as you'll have to pay for."
I says, Upset your grandmother." Ah," he says, that's what
I don't want to do," and took and turned that sharp agin the kerb
stone that I were shot back on to the seat for all the world as if I'd
been blasted with gunpowder like a rock; and .made the doors of that
cab fly open with the shock. If you'd 'card the remarks of that cab-
man as he got down for to shet 'em you'd have stared agin, as he says
to me, "I'm blessed if you won't 'ave the bottom of the cab out if you
goes on a-prancin' about like that."
I says, "Who's a-pranoin' ? I says, "Don't you go a-talkin' to a
lady as if a 'orse- as ain't manners; but," I says, you go on," for I
was timein' on 'im by my aunt PEDDER's watch as she left me, as
weighs over a quarter of a pound and you could 'ear tick, though
under my shawl and gownd and wound up with a noise like the bottle
jack, as I never could sleep through it under my piller nor yet at my
bed 'ead, so always 'as to wrop in a pair of worsted stockin's at the
werry back of my corner drawer of a night, or shouldn't never get a
wink of sleep all night with them ticks a worretin' me in my ear.
Well, when he'd been and got up on his box agin, I felt as he been and
shet me in the cab door by the.gownd that tight as I couldn'tget up
off the seat, so I taps at the winder with my umbreller and oilerss to
'im. But bless you he wouldn't take no more notice than the dead, and
on he goes down that road ever so much further than I wanted for to
go with me a-callin' to 'im, as in course heardd fast enuff for no one's so


G1


eaf as them as won't 'ear, as the sayin' is, but wanted to spin out
he time.
There wasn't much a-passin' jest then, but at last I sketched a
butcher boy's heye on a pony as come ridin' by and he tells that cab-
nan as says, "Whatever does the old lunitic want now ?"
I says, "No more a lunitic than you are, but," I says, if you've
een and shot me in your door and I can't move though a-wantin' to
top ever so long." So he gets down a-grumblin' and a-growlin' and
'pens the door, and says, Now then, what next ? "
"Why," I says, "let me out," for I sees as the 'our were pretty
igh up, "but," I says, draw up to the kerb stone for I can't get out
ich a way from the ground." Ah," he says, "you wants steps for
*o get out by and did ought for to travel in a carrywan with the
est."
So in course I didn't make no answer but out I gets and gives 'im
is "two shillin's, although it wanted werry nigh five minutes to the
hour.
Wot's this ? he says. Your fare," says I, as is two shillin's
by the hour as I took you by." Why," he says, you've come over
six miles'of ground." I says, That's my business and not your'n, as
distance ain't time as I took you by, so take your fare and go."
He says, My fare's seven shilhn's through being' got beyond the
radyus as is Cherrin' Cross." I says, Go along with you, why you
never went near Cherrin' Cross through 'avin turned up by the
Cherrin' Cross 'Ospital as leads to Lester-square through Emmin's
Row, as is where my dear mother is." He says, Oh, dry up with
your rubbish, bother your mother, and pay me my fare, or else I'll 'ave
you up."
I says, "'My dear mother's far beyond bein' bothered by no cabs,
nor nothing else in this world," but I says, '-law is law and you shall
'ave it, so take your money, if you dare, and I'll take.your number,"
and Oldss out a handfull of silver, and so I did a.puttin' on it down on
the back of a old envelope as I'd got in my pocket with a pencil, as
always was a good 'and at figgers and considered clever at my slato
when a gal.
The number as that cab run to was wonderful. Why'everthey
can't number them in reason, I should like to know, and notdlet 'em
runlinto such figgers as that man's was, as-can'tTmean asith.ee'fthat
lotof 'em about the street or there'dibe more cabsithen people ,uamust
run over hundredss of thousands every day.
So he took 'is money out of my 'and, seven shillin's and drives off
all of a'urry and then I found as I 'ad a full mile to go afore.gettin' to
where poor Mus. AMBLIN' was a-stoppin' leastways wasn't a-stoppni'
for she'd been dead and berried over a week, the woman of the housee
told me as was a dreadful shock for I'd brought 'er a pound cake and a
drop of real French brandy as is a fine thing in illness. Certingly the
good woman were that civil as made me a cup of tea and see me a hit
of the way along the road as ledto the railway as took me to wnrry
nigh Blackfriars-bridge as is the end of the street where the Bow
'busses passes by, but for all that it was 'ard on nine when I got 'emo
dead beat, butin course shall summons that cabman and teach 'inm 'ow
to impose on anybody like that, with a-pretendin' to go by the 'our
as every one knows time ain't distance all the world over.
As to cabs doin' wot's lawful why you might as well expect it of
drovers; as is a wild lot but in course 'as a deal to put up with and
often 'ard drove to make up their money, but ain't no reason as they
should impose on them as will pay as is the willing' 'orse all over bein'
drove to death, as the sayin' is, .not as cab 'orses is ever werry willing ,
in my opinion, and no wonder, though drove to death frequent for all
that, as is their destinations no doubt as there ain't no fighting' agin we
all knows.
BaowN he come in that late through a-suppin' with 'is club as I
were in bed, but eouldn't'rest without atellin' on 'im how that cabman
'ad served me, as is no better than JACK S.iUPPERI, I says, as did
used to live out Kilburn way, as always were a bad neighbourhood,
leastways, 'is mother lays benied at Willesden as is where he was:took
up through JuoAlriAN WILD a-betrayin' on 'im as were a wile
deceiver from the fust, as I've read all about, leastways, ToMMY MAN-
eDEs did used to read it to me werry beautiful though he 'ad a
dreadful stammer and 'ad to spell so many words and Miss PILXKIG-
Ton she did put me out a-comin' in one day and a-sayin' as it were all
a pack of rubbish. and as JACK SHEPPERD were took up in Drury Lane
while 'is old mother was gone for some gin and left the door a-jar
behind 'er, and died herselff in a garret a regular old reprobate. So
BaowN says, "Do you mean to say, MRS. BRows, as JACK SHErPERDr
'ave stopped you on the king's highwayy ? "
I says, Go to sleep, Biown, and don't talk foolishness. Says
BaowN, Tell me your tale fust." Well, to pacify him I did, for he's
always a little out of sorts arter them club suppers, though a sober
man in the main and not to say in liquor then.
When I'd told 'im all he only says, No case, my dear, no case."
(To obe Continued.)

A So> FO ro S11S lsuvxs.-T'he encore's wai(v)ed.








62 FUN. [AIL 1 1870.


-- ./.. '!Il
. .. ..


HARD ON THE MAJOR.
Jane :-" PLEASE 'M, MAJOR POONAH IS BELOW, AND -"
Mistress :-"LET HIM STOP THERE THEN, THE OLD BORE. I'M NOT AT HOME!"
[Bliss of POONAH, who has followed JANE upstairs.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
THERE is a great deal of amusement to be found in Wallett, the
Queen's Jester (BEMROSE, Paternoster Row). It is the autobiography
of a well known Circus Clown, self-styled The Shaksperian," who
seems to have been active, energetic, adventurous, and full of shrewd
expedients. As the mere record of the life of such a man it would be
readable, without the spice which unconscious vanity continually gives
it. This self-esteem, however, seems to have stood its owner in good
stead, keeping him from many unworthy actions, and supporting him
in many trials. His artless complaint of the obtuseness of the press in
not recognizing in him SHAKSPEARE'S ideal jester is intensely funny.
The book is well written, moreover, with fewer faults than we find at
times in the writings of professed scribes, and as an example of pluck
and principle deserves warm praise.
Easter Eggs (CREMER, Regent-street) is a seasonable pamphlet, giving
a brief history of the custom-less observed in Britain than on the
continent-of celebrating the Paschal week by the presentation or
exhibition of eggs. We suppose MEssRS. CREMER desire to revive the
old observance, or graft some of the prettier foreign fashions on it, in
which case we wish them success. Such customs, like the Santa
Klaus, are not only amusing for children, but may be made the means
of encouraging taste and fancy in them.

At his own Valuation.
EvERY policeman considers himself a bobby. Does he consider
himself a bob, eh? Well, the lower classes look upon him as a cop-
per" only!

Horticultural.
WHY is the chap who comes off at the first fence in the run like
CAUTER's Prolific Pea ? Because he's an early cropper.


What's o'Clock P?
HERE is a'tale so circumstantially related that we feel certain it is a
li-no, an unli-kely story:-
On the field ofSolferino, where the remains of the dead are being collected to ba
placed beneath one grand monument, the body of a Zouave was lately disinterred.
A watch in his pocket marked 33 minutes past 4, the precise hour at which the fight
ended in the place where he lay. A ball had struck a mortal wound in his chest,
and a rush of blood had entered the watch and stopped the movement.
In the few brief years which have passed since the battle of Sol-
ferino the watch has resisted the effects of its interment with an
unmannerlyy corpse," and on its untarnished face registers precisely
"Four thirty-three! We only wonder that when itwas dug up it was
not going! In fact, if it had been going, it would scarcely be a
greater wonder than that it wasn't gone. The usual harpies who
plunder the dead on battle-fields evidently did not know the time o'
day at Solferino.

A Word to the Wise.
THE following is an exact translation of a curious old inscription
brought to light in the course of excavations near the Guildhall:-
"When in the plural, Magog makes Magi,
Then shall that wretched block,' The Poultry, fly."

Archaeological Note.
CURS'-ITER-STRET derived its name from the circumstance that
most men who were lodged there were on their way to the dogs.
CLEARLY OUT OF PLACE AT THE SOCIAL BOARD.-Tiffin'.
A WIRE BLIND.- Official promises of telegraphic despatch.
WHAT must the toper most frequently perpend ?-That he is out of
the perpend-icular.








AriL 16, 1870.] FU N. 03


BEZIQU E.
0 BEST game of all that the card-tables 'know,
For thee shall my verses most musical flow,
For thee shall my praises sound clearly to-day,
While I gladly acknowledge your powerful sway.
For thee will I argue while Life's race is run,
And sing of your great fascinations in Fux.
That game, trust me, reader, is ever to seek
That rivals in beauty-the game of B6zique.
Men may boast of their whist, long or short, as they please ;
I hate your grave rubbers and counters that tease.
Don't tell me of cribbage, no lunatic begs
A pastime more foolish than marking with pegs.
Don't talk of Ecart6, or Leoo, or Van John; "
In each you'll find quickly your money's all gone.
In fact, I must beg that you won't dare to speak
Of a game in the same breath with charming Bezique.
Just think of the joy Royal Marriage can bring,
With a few more snug trumps in a neat little ring ;
They'll lead to the Sequence," for which you may score
Two hundred and fifty to forty before.
Four aces" count simply one hundred, no less,-
And four kings are eighty, you'll easily guess.
Then a flush of great joy rises up on your cheek
As you mark your five hundred for Double Bdzique."
You may play againstt one person, or two against two,
As old fogies in whist very properly do;
But Bizique- (mind you, Printer,-a capital B)-
Is, of all games at cards, the best suited for three.
The fun becomes threefold, the scores rise apace,
And a triple B6zique your displayed cards may grace ;
Oh, that gentleman's nose I would willingly tweak,
(For the sake of the rhyme) who despises Bezique.
Then hurrah for the game, 'tis the finest, I ween,
When the fair knave succeeds to the sombre ace queen;
There's not a game like it, go search where you will,
From the Mexican Monte to ancient Spadille;
'Tis a game fit for all, even curates will find
The exertion's not great for an average mind.
For myself, I could play every hour of the week,
By gaslight, or daylight, I dote on B6zique!


WHAT'S ON THE WALLS.
THE Society of British Artists has opened its annual exhibition,
which is, on the whole, an improvement on many of its predecessors.
It it especially gratifying to find that the names of several Academi-
cians appear in the catalogue; for it shows promise of a more liberal
policy on the part of the Academy, which, in the interests of Art,
should be above any small jealousy of honourable rivals. MESSUS.
LI-oiTON, FRITH, REDGRAVE, and MACLISE are a welcome deputation
from Burlington House.
Our space will not permit us to enlarge on the pictures, but wo may
draw attention to some of the best works. MRa. HAYES exhibits a fine
sea-piece; MR. BARNES several paintings, all charming, most especially
"A Norman peasant girl." Mu. Dow.uni has a very poetical evening
effect, and Mn. H. MooaE some of his wonderful seas, and a landscape
with ploughs at work that is full of truth. Some pictures by the late
MR. HUnLSTONE, the president of the society, will be viewed with
interest. There is also a good display of water colours, for which the
Suffolk-street Gallery is one of the few open galleries that make any
adequate provision. The result is an admirable collection of drawings
of great general merit
MR. WALLS'S Exhibition at the French Gallery is excellent, as
usual. It should be remembered in fairness to other exhibitions with
which it is often contrasted, that it is the pick of many exhibitions
carefully selected, and not a collection sent in by the various artists.
Ms. WALLIs has secured some fine works of art, the gems of the
I foreign schools, and it is difficult to find any that do not possess great,
charm. "The Moon is Up," by WAULuniIO, Qui va la P by Mais-
soNria, "The Burgomaster's Daughter," by BTscKori,, "Chess it
Cairo" by GEROME, and a host of other pictures may be noted as
specially deserving study.
For the same reason which makes the French Gallery so good, Mu.
ToOTH's exhibition at No. 5, Haymarket, is well worthy of a visit.
Such a selection of water-colours by our first artists it is rarely one's
good fortune to see. Those of our readers who desire a treat should
go to the exhibition, where all the works are of such high excellence
that we cannot select any for mention without doing injustice to
the rest.

Ornaments at Present Blocked.
SPEED the day when fresh AustraiRan mutton may be found in every
butcher's shop. At present we only see it on the tenter-hooks- of
expectation.


A SAVING.
'First Coster.:-" 'TJLxo, BILL! WoT YEa LONE wi' THE MOKE
Second Ditto :-" SVOPT 'IM FOR THIS TEE. DON'T COST NOTHING FOR KEEP, AND GOES
EQUAL AS FARST


A Long Shot.
This is, of course, from an American
paper:-
A projectile has been invented at Monroe, in the
United States, which consiit9 of a ball of 200 pounds;
inside this ball is a species of cannon, which contains
a hall, aid whin the flirt ball has gone live miles the
cannon dires off an interior ball, which goes another
five miles.
More extraordinary still! When the in-
terior ball has covered its five miles, there is
found in its inside a "long bow" which
carries even further!
The only objection we can see to the
scheme is that the original ball of 200 pounds
might so alight as to turn the species of
cannon" in the direction whence it came.
That might be awkward.

Sporting in Ireland.
THE latest sporting news from Ireland is
this:-
The Rev. Mr. Crofton, who was shot at near Kil-
beggan, in Westmeath, has intimated his intention of
increasing his rents.
Quite right! He should make them pay
their shot." We don't see why he should be
killed for nothing, and he's wise to make his
friends take out a shooting license in this
way.

An Honourable Role.
LADY RoLLE laid the foundation stone of a
new church the other diy at Otterton, in
Devon; and her ladyship, it is added, has
paid the whole cost of the buildings. The
church founded on such Rolle-ing stones will
never gather moss, but prosper like a green
bay tree.








64 F U N [APRIL 16, 1870.


-- DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 162
E ,D A. SACRED holiday to-day-
I i llI ,1 The long long fast is past away.
et Clrae -: WI I How brilliantly in distant Rome
.... B. Illumined stands St. Peter's dome.
Adieu to Lenten fare, to herbs and fishes,
I eAnd welcome once again, ye well-drest dishes!
iR 1. Here twittering swallows cling
While bright the subbeams pour,
Here strings of diamonds swing
is s When the fresh shower is o'er.
2. Doubtful in Paris what theatre we,
Our first night in France, ought to visit-
We inquired of the garcon, and speedily he
Named this, though most doubtful too is it !
3. Pone hit SAMIo on the head.
SAMBO laughed but nothing said,
Laughing till his eyes grew red-
ah, yab, yab, yah, yah! "
Pomp hit SAMBO on the leg-
Guess that fetched him down a peg,
"Don't do dat again I beg-
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"
4. PRoundly not a cannon-ball-
That, you know, is rounMdr.
This thing is a what-you. call,
Eight-and-twenty pounder.
5. Howe'er well edited a work may be,
'Tis odd if these you do not in it see.
6. This lover of ills,
He dwells on the hills
WVhere the snipe o'er the lone moorland whistles;
That this vilest of men
Is no hand with a pen
May be proved from his mis-spelt epistles.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 160.- Eights, WTinner:
e4Elbow, Iambi, Glean, Heathen, Tolerance, Saker.
CORR CT SoLurros oF A, ROSTic No. 160, RECEIVED ArrIL 6th.
EASTER DECORATIONS. -Idfl; Nestor; B. G.H.
Pet Curate:-" WHAT DO YOU WISH FOR NOW, Miss BRiTIES WHAT two English counties bear kindred names ?-
Miss B. :-" YEW-IF YOU PLEASE Beds and Doss-etshire.


CHATS 0 N THE MAGS. S tosrs u (Espu zs.
APRIL.
THIE Argosy, besides "Johnny Ludlow's story," founded on a case, [ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
that recently appeared in the papers, of the death of a farm-lad from panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
exposure to cold and want, contains a smashing article on MAIRS. responsiblefor loss.1
BEECHER STOWE'S "Vindication." W. J. M.-or W. J. W.-or W. something or other -why don't you give
Our Young Folks is a good number, but Ma. LEAR is not up to his a legible signature ? Because your initials will be your final appearance
usual mark. I suppose it is fair that after "The Bad Boy," of Ma. anyhow.
ALDRICH, there should come a girl's story-but "as when a well-graced H. P. (Aldermnianbury).- Of course, no one would expect the ghost of a
actor," &c. The fault of American draughtsmen would seem to be joke where you bury aldermen.
neglect of drawing from the model. O.-We wish our correspondents would address contributions to "The
Good Words for the Young maintains its high standard of excellence. Editor," instead of addressing them privately.
The only improvement we could suggest is that Ma. A. HUGHES ARTFUL DODGER.-Be patient.
should be superseded by some one who can draw. He is a colourist of T. O M. (Glasgow).-It is as you say, a leetle objectionable from a
a high order, but no draughtsman. "At the Back of the North refined point of view "-so we decline it.
Wind" grows in fresh interest, and "The Stone-cutter" is very Declined with thanks: Bartholomew Briggs; Mens ; Corkscrew ; Finny;
ingenious. Y. Z., York; W. S., Norwood: F. W., Liverpool; Toddles; M Kings-
Ingeniouso land; A. G.; Simo; Education Bill; Dalli; T. C. H, Cornhill; P., Leeds;
In Good c words there is an interesting paper on dragons. MEIsS B.; F., Strand; A. R. W., Hampstead; W. H. B.; K. W. S.; H,
INGELOW contributes a poem, as does also that pleasant singer EDWARD Chancery-lane; W. L.; N. B Glasgow; T. S. H.; E. K.; Paterfamilias,
CAr ; and there is a paper by OTs KINGLEY- together an Camden Town; Jake; M., Dalston; Nem: Con:; The Old Un; B. T.;
excellent number. The illustrations, too, are admirable, especially those F., Liverpool; A Cuss; The other chap; Milly; J. M. T.; S F.; Liver-
to Carlino," by MR. FRANCIs WALKER, who may fairly take rank pud; S.O 0.; J. W. B.; Barney's See; Ted; Dramatic; N. S, Dundee;
beside his namesake. H. H. (J.) Grove-road; Bumptious.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Publi- generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furnit, rj, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the furnishing of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the tota- co t Fuy:nishing the
whole house. THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FRER OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80 Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: April 16, 1870.








APRIL 23, 1879.] 3


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 163.


5'UN. ________


ONCE again,
On hill and plain,
Kissed by sunshine, washed in rain,
Blossom stars of earth.
Sweet birds sing
Till woodlands ring,
Joy comes back to everything,
Happiness and mirth!
1. Here's a bone of old CHARLEMAGNE'S toe,
There's the string that bent ROBIN HooD's bow,
Here's the sword that come down
On X-BECKETT'S poor crown,
What a lot of queer things in a row.
2. SIR ROGER crossed the stormy brine,
A palmer grey from Palestine,
His family since then, I wis,
Have borne in their escutcheon this.
3. For HARVARD loud the Yankees cheered,
To rouse them as the goal they neared;
And though they saw she could not win,
They threw a shout of this kind in.
4. This tribe, it is very well known,
Resided of old near Cologne,
Their dress was eccentric, I own,
Bare legs and short tunics of calico.
I had better refer you to CJasAR,
If you're anxious to find out who these are;
Just look in his De Bello Gallico.
5. This is the way
That BROADsEAD, of unpleasant notoriety,
Maintained the sway
Of his dark midnight-scheming Trade Society.
6. Canary papa,
And canary mama,
Are as proud as can be
Of their chick so wee!
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 161.-Boat Bace: Bar,
Onora, Arac, Torque.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 161, RECEIVED 13th APRIL.
-Lendis; Piggie.

SLIP KNors.-Lovers' ties.


A DESIRABLE CHANGE.
Ragged Politician : WHY, AS FOR YOU, YOU CHANGE YOUR POLITICS
EVERY TIME YOU CHANGE YOUR SHIRT."
Stout Politician :-" UNDER SIMILAR CONDfTIONS, SIR, IT'S TIME TO HAVE
AN ALTERATION IN YOUR POLITICS! "


AN ISTHMUS TO CUT.
THE mania for cutting isthmuses, of which we spoke lately, has
developed itself in London. Certain West-Enders have waited as a
deputation on the Secretary of State for War, and suggested the cutting
of what Ma. Lows calls the "isthmus of barbarism," which connects the
peninsula of Kensington with the mainland of Pall Mall and Piccadilly,
that isthmus being the Knightsbridge Barracks and their immediate
surroundings ; and reilly considering what a mean pig-sty the former
place is, and what swinish wallowing-grounds the latter are, it might
well be called the Isthmus of Sues.
The deputation wished "the eyesore removed." We contend that
the sore should be healed. 'Tis useless merely to "skin and film the
ulcerous place." If that be all, the "influential deputation" may
close their eyes as they pass the plague spot, and consider it remedied.
It would be well if they looked a little deeper, and asked why sol-
diers' barracks must necessarily be centres of all sorts of vileness.
The answer is to be found in PRorEssoi NEWMAN'S remarks on the
treatment of our soldiers. From the time when the man is inveigled
into a pothouse and recruited while he is drunk, he ceases to become a
free citizen, and is treated like a brute. He has no appeal against
harsh treatment, he has no control over his clothes or his body. He
is constrained to be idle, he is forbidden to marry. He is left unpro-
tected amid the temptations to drink and debauchery spread around
him at the doors of the barracks, where he is ill-housed and ill-paid!
Is it to be wondered at that respectable men shun the service, and that
recruiting sergeants only gather the scum of the population ?
So, gentlemen of the influential deputation, don't" cut the question,
but make its acquaintance. Improve the condition of the soldier,
recruit from better materials and by less questionable means. Treat him
as a man not a brute, and then you will find the isthmus no dreadful
place to journey in, for the wilderness will be an orderly garden.

THE worst medium for friendly correspondence.-A Quilp pen.


An Important Importation.
IT seems that the blessings of free trade are not to be confined to
articles of manufacture only. A short time since the Customs Bill of
Entry reported the arrival of 1660 bundles, Penang lawyers." The
British profession must be on the alert I


An Optical Illusion.
OuR friend Guzzler, whose eyesight is failing him, was recommended
to try glasses for its improvement. He says he went and took five or
six directly, and the result was that his eyesight was so improved he
could actually see double !

Lettre de-Cache.
THIS is all very well:-
The agent of the Earl of Donoughmore has received a threatening letter.
But if we were the Earl we would know-more about the
senders of it.
Sentiment for the Boat-race.
THE light blue has met with a reverse-in the position they have
too long held at the finish.

Mag's. Diversion.
THE Spectator reviews a new work-The Mafayar., a very proper
subject for magyar-zine literature.

The Miller and his Mem.
No student who wishes to bring grist to his mill should be above
"grinding."
A SET OF RAP-ROBATES.-Runaway knockers.


VOL. II. G


*


S


is








66 ]3U N. [ArRI 28, 1870.

OLD MONKEYS AND YOUNG.
ANY a time has Satire sung
S Of the deeds of monkeys
young.
I.But as much may well be told
O tha deeds of monkeys old.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, April 20th. 1,870.
OBODY will grudge the House of Commons its br ;f 'Eastc.r
w Holiday, for it has done hard work and no mistake; .and if on
,y5) no other account, deserves a little respect for backing ,up the
exertions of the Government.
A great many people are doubtless anxious to .know what M.P.;
do with their vacations. Very possibly they go off to Epping Forest
in a wan! It would do them a great deal of good- if they did, we:are
sure. Fancy what high jinks there would be when both parties
waived their differences to play Kiss in the ring." Ma. BaroHT'is
not sufficiently well to join in such festivities,but henmight survey;them
from a distance as Materfamiliis. MR. CAVE might forget Tirae-
Insurance for awhile, and Mi. FOSTER Education. SIR JOIns
PAKINGTON might skip hand-in-hand with that jolly Jackr-ashore,
Mu. CHILDERS. M-e. GATiHORNE ARDY might smile kindly on -the,
Chancellor of the Exchequer; and Mu. CAsDWELL, SIR STAFFORD
NoRTHCOTs, and MB. GoscREN might look on approvingly, while the
Premier and the Chief of the Opposition saluted each otherpeacefully
in the midst.

WE are glad to learn that the Chancellor of the Exchequer has.a
"sanguine hope" that a halfpenny postage stamp for the inland
circulation of printed matter may be adopted. The immense
success which followed the adoption of Si t ROwLAND HIaL's scheme
of penny postage is a fair omen forthe-new-reduction. "Small profits
and quick returns may be an admirable maxim, but it witl always be
found that" small profits and vast.returns" will.holdggoadtpoo-we only
wish the Railway Companies could be broughtvtorsee it%,;a easily as_
the Post Office authorities.
If MR. LOWE cares for popularity, which he may do in spite of an
assumed disregard for it, he will do much by the establishment of a
halfpenny paper-post to obliterate the recollection of his unpopular
scheme of tax-collection. Moreover, we venture to predict that the
increase of the revenue from. this source will be so- great as in a few
years to enable the Chancellor of the Exchequer to take off an
obnoxious tax or two. So here is all success to the "halfpenny
head !" _

How not to do it.
THE authorities at the Admiralty, in spite of all their lauded reforms,
can still do stupid things. Orders have been sent to Devonport to fit
out the Rentown, bought by the Prussian Government. Ninety ship-
wrights and joiners are to be employed on this work for three months,
and "recently discharged workmen will have the preference." The
recently discharged workmen have pensions, and by this arrangement
will get pay in addition. This is carrying out the idea that to those
who have shall be given" rather- too literally. The unpensioned
should have a chance.

The LMilly-'uns.
THE old drama of The Miller and his Men (the Lothair of which
begs us to state that be has no connection with MR. DISRAELI'S
Lothair) is being superseded by the modern farce of The Mill and
his Women." The Court Jo-.nwal says there was a meeting in favour
of female suffrage, at the Hanover Square Rooms, and describes it as
consisting of-
A bevy of beautiful women, including Mr. John Stuait Mill.
Can it be possible that the late M.P. for Westminster has exchanged
his philosophical turn for a Grecian bend ?

The New Helmet.
TniE police are to have a new helmet! This is considerate of the
authorities, as it will supply our street Arabs with a new theme for
chaff, of which there has been a dearth of late. It is described as
Russo-Prussian in design, which would seem to mean that it will have
a spike on the top, on which our itinerant newsboys can poke their
Fu N." It should be made large enough to contain a receptable
capable of holding a supply of cold meat. We understand it will not
be served out to the force until early in November, for obvious
reasons.

A ROYAL "NEEDLE WOMAN.-CLEOPATRA.


'1 0Both I ween
Are often seen-
Monkeys young and monkeys
old!

Monkeys young are given to
chatter:
So are old ones, for that
matter.
Scarce for that we youngsters
scold,
But we don't excuse the old.
Experience ought
To have brought
Greater wisdom to the old.
Monkeys young afe fond of dress,
Do the old ones like it less ?
With pity we young fops,behold-
With contempt a dandy .old.
For he knows
Dandy clothes
Are not suited for the old.
Monkeys young at girls will wink;
So do old ones, too, I think.
Youngsters may be injudicious,
But old apes are often vicious.
As a rule
The lad's a fool,
But a rogue the ape who's old!


Karr-ying it too far!
THE best thing in Macmillan's this month is Mu. W. J. PRowsR's
paper, Smollett at Nice." It contains the following anecdote:-
"' One day,' says Alpbonse Karr, 'I happened to leave my walking-stick in the
mould. I came back next week, and I found it covered with rosebuds Alphonse
is fond of his joke."
We wish ALPHONSE KARR were as fond of truth as he is of a joke. He
clearly doesn't "stick" at a fib. Necessity may be the mother of
Invention, but the invention of M. KARt is not the Ni(e)ce of
Veracity. ________
Scott and Mot.
Tx Leader of the Opposition is bidding for Scotch support
again:-
Ma. DIsnAiAr.I inten's to take advantage of the opportunity afforded by the
Easter vacation to pay a visit to Perth. where he is expected to be present at the
forthcoming banquet, to be given on the 22nd inst., to Sir Williahmn itirling-
Maxwell.
Making use .of SIR WILLIAM to avail himself of a hint .from Sia
WALTeR, our acute politician is trying to.sacure what they pronounce
in those parts-" the fairm aid o'Peerth,"

Inn and, .Out.
W. Elearn:from a provincial paper that:-
The oldest innkeeper in-Gainsborough, placed himself the other day before an
express train on the Manchester, Sheffield, and incolushire Railway at,opno, and
was cut to pieces.
Well, if he had "kept in a little longer instead of going .out, he
would have, escaped this fatal accident.

To Newly Married Couples.
HLVE anything for dinner rather than a fovwl- if you would keep
"the skeleton" out of the cupboard.

Well Posted Information.
Ir is not necessary that a postman should possess a good voice, but
it is a most essential thing that he should .have a good ".delivery."

THE PACE THAT KILLS.-Running through, a fortune.
DE (Asp.ara)-gueaTIrU NON aST Dr-PTANDvTM. Two "heads"
are better than one.







AEBH 23, 1870.]


FUN.


THE OUTLAW'S LOVE.
CHAPTER I.
THE LADY FITZ-PHOLAY was fair and young, and she was of ancient
lineage sprung, and she moved-oh, she always moved among the
very best of society. She'd a castle in Berkshire, and lands in Kent;
and a house in Belgravia, free of rent, with stocks at any amount per
cent., in almost endless variety. Yet LADY FITz-PHOIAY was far from
gay. She seemed to grow sadder every day, and her manner was
more and more distrait, and her sighs were quite distressing. 'Twas
thought at times that she wept by stealth, and her friends became dis-
tressed for her health; and the envious asked if a lot of wealth without
content was a blessing.
The LADY FITZ-PHOLAY indulged a taste, described by some as a
shocking waste of time; but some said it quite disgraced Her Lady-
ship so to grovel. Well, the painful truth can no more be hid-she
had a hobby too oft bestrid, in short, she doated-yes, that she did-
on a strong sensational novel! And her head was so full of romantic
stuff, that all of her suitors received a rebuff, because they were not
romantic enough, compared with novelists' heroes. Beside such
figures as they portrayed, the best of her lovers but displayed such
very poor figures, the heartless jade declared they were only zeros!
And so this beautiful, well-born girl, who set men's brains in a regular
whirl, rejected Duke, Marquis, and Viscount and Earl- not to mention
a thing like a Baronet! And she vowed to her lady's maid- aye, and
swore she wanted to marry a Troubadour, to which her lady's maid
answered, "Lor! ain't that a chap with a clarronet "

CHAPTER II.
As LADY FITZ-PHOLAY drove out one day-'twas somewhere afar
down Minories way, she saw a sight which seemed to repay her
tedious longing and waiting. 'Twas a bill-a poster displayed on a
wall-a trade advertisement, .that was all, with a notice in letters big
and small- and this was the fact it was stating :-" THE GOODS OF
JONES, THE OUTLAW, FOR SALE!" The LADY FITZ-PHOLAY turned
faint and pale, but she summoned a vassal, and-without fail-bade
him bring the outlaw unto her! For she wished the outlaw towoo her.

CHAPTER III.
THE vassal through many a foreign strand he sought for the man at
her demand, and he found him at length on a foreign strand-that
strand it was Boulo-ne's! Then he chartered a ship to carry them
o'er, and sought old England's cliffs once more, and with him, please
to observe, he bore-the long-sought outlaw, JONES !

CHAPTER IV.
I LOVE you, JoNES !" the lady sighed," I love Ilovo you well! I
fain would be an outlaw's bride, and in the greenwood dwell. And
we will chase the flying deer, and we will intersperse our sports with-
deeds .of sword and spear, and take the traveller's purse." "What
rob ?" cried JONES, the outlaw bold; Ma'am, I was never known to
rob manof their store of gold-save creditors alone! But if you're
rich and fain would be an outlaw's bride, why good! So please you
then to marry me, we'll dwell in Saint John's Wood! "

CHAPTER V.
BUT her ladyship's pa wouldn't give his consent. "My marriage,"
quoth she, "that shall .not prevent." But JONEs, the outlaw, was far
too sage to marry a girl who was not of age. So they registered vows
to be faithful and true, for they'd only to wait a year or two, and as
soon as that year or two was done, she could marry of course, being
twenty-one. So.LADY FITZ-PHOLAY went back once more to the read-
ing of novels, the same as before, till the weary years of waiting
were o'er.
CHAPTER VI.
Tap tedious years at length have flown. Her ladyship is twenty-
one: and straight as a bullet from a gun, comes JONES, the outlaw,
from Boulogne. He comes to claim his.darling bride, to bear her to
St. John's Wood shade, where through the Eyro Arms' sylvan glade
those two will wander side by side. He sought her in her father's
halls (or hall. But one the house could boast). The-footman stared,
for it was most unusual hours for morning calls. His heart was glad
and free from doubt, he found her ladyship alone. He cried, My
life, my love, my own!" She merely answered him, "Get out!"
And as beneath the blow he quailed, she told him how she dreamt of
old that he was a freebooter bold, and not a draper who had failed.
"And yet I might have loved," she said, "the name-the outlaw's
name although you weren't the genuine thing you know. But now
that consolation's fled JONEs on his knees upon the floor prayed
explanationmore exact. Said she, By this new Bankrupts' Act out-
laws, alas, exist no more "


THE LAST PIPE.
Tu calamos iqflare leves, ego diecre versus.
'TwAs the voice of the doctor, I heard him declare,
"You've been smoking too much, of tobacco beware!
To be candid and plain you'll find it no joke,
For you'll soon become ashes yourself if you smoke."
So I've filled my last pipe as I sit by the fire,
And gaze at the cloud rising higher and higher,
And languidly watching each up-curling ring,
A mournful adieu to tobacco I sing.
Farewell, good cigars, I will e'en call you dear!
Yet your price were no object so you were still here :
Good bye! Latakia, mild Turkey, good bye!
Virginia, Cavendish, Bristol Bird's-eye,
Returns, and Kanaster, and Russian, the pot
Of those who rejoice in the light cigarette :
And last, but not least, I take leave of thee too,
Mly gentle, my fragrant, my soft Honeydew!
And my pipe my sweet pipe, with thy cool amber tip!
No more shall that amber caress my fond lip.
Oh! friend of my youth! must thou really go ?
My partner in joy, and my solacein woe ?
'Tis too true: nought avail me these heart-broken sighs,
And, alas, thou art out! There are tears in my eyos,
As I lay thee down gently. I will not complain,
But I feel I shall never be happy again.


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
APRIL.
Once a Week is amusing and varied. There is a new university
story that promises well. "How we Started our Club" is funny.
The illustrations are improved, but one of a college boat-race will be
severely criticised just now, and people will ask how Seven gotin such
rowing form-how One, Two, and Three find room for their arms in
going forward-and why all the spectators a-head of the boat are
deliberately running into the river ?
The Atlantic Monthly contains an amusing account of the doings at
the Court of Siam, with several. other interesting.papers. The verse is
excellent.
In the Sunday Magazine the "Episodes in an Obscure life" still
claim first mention. The illustrations are very good this month.
In the St. James's wood-engraving, supersedes.the process by which
the clerical and political portraits have hitherto been produced. The
process which is to supersede woodengraving has yet to be discovered.
The likenesses are good, particularly that of LORD WEBTISURY. A
new novel, Author and Actress," commences with illustrations by the
author, which we suppose are meant for a joke. If so, the joke won't
bear repeating. A paper on "Living Dust" is an able exposition of
PitoFEsso TYNDALL'S theory.
The second number of The Amateur is considerably enlarged. We
doubt if this will be an advantage, since the claims of quantity may
bring about detriment to quality. The illustrations, should'be dis-
pensed with altogether, and the verso should be unsparingly thinned
out. With one or two exceptions it is very inferior stuff. A transla-
tion from the Iliad is about as bad as anything can be, and makes us
fear the editor either is too lenient, or is not quite qualified to judge of
verse. The best of the prose will be found in those articles which are
technically styled "British Museum work." The comic business is
feebly done, with the exception of a modem love song," which is
smart if rugged. The reviews are too long-winded. We point out
these faults candidly, because the magazine seems to contain germs of
good, and is the best of the many attempts of the hindthat welhave
yet seen.
The Overland Monthly arrives too late for us to say more than that it
is a good average number.
We have also to acknowledge the receipt of a "thumping number
of the Ge.,tlmnan's Journal, plenty of pictures and lots of wholesome
stories of adventure; The Yungq Ladies' Journal, The Foad.Journal, The
Gardener's Magazine, a capital number, The Westminster .Paper, Le
Follet, and The Best of Everything.

Drop it!
THis item appears in the latest naval intelligence:-
TuE Crocodile arrived at Portsmouth on Thursday from Alexandria and'Malta.
A correspondent, evidently much interested in our-nautical'history-a
possible future NELSON perhaps--writes to ask us if we can inform
him as to the number of the Crocodile's tiers.


I - --2-,-187.Q.1


71


!


















































THE NEWSVENDORS' DINNER.
BY OUR SPECIAL DINER-OUT.
As if people with any decent gratitude about them would not go to
such a dinner, even if CHARLES DICKENS were not in the chair! Fur-
thermore, ladies can dine. Whereupon one insists at once upon
going, and getting "all the world and his wife to go too, so far as
one's acquaintance with the individual goes.
Dinner at six precisely. That means, it seems, at Freemasons' Hall,
a quarter past seven to sit down to table, and about eight to get one's
dinner. But aft6r all the dinner, luckily--and perhaps the wine too,
luckily-are not the things one comes to a dinner of this kind for.
Nevertheless that champagne-but no matter! The chairman is on his
legs. A little too brief- but he would be that for most of us, if he
talked by the hour. Music, and another brevity from the chairman.
And then he brightens up a bit, and chaffs The Army, Navy, and
Volunteers pleasantly. Next he commits-oh, yes, he does, I grieve
to say-he commits the mistake as ex-offlcio host, of chaffing too
severely the Corporation of London, when he has to propose that toast.
It is a very excellent body, after all. Not perfect, after the invariable
fashion of human institutions, but it does a great deal of real good
work.
Never mind, however! Alderman COTTON has to respond to the
toast, and the opponent of COTTON is generally Worsted. It is a fair
counter, and the chairman very properly recognizes and respects it.
So, after the sheriffs have had due honour, we come to "The Toast."
PROSPERITY TO THE NEWSVENDORS' BENEVOLENT AND PROVIDENT
INSTITUTION.
And now CHARLES DICKENS is the CHARLES DICKFxs, and those of
us who availed ourselves of the good sense of the Institution to bring
our womankind to see CHARLES DICKExs "at home," feel that we have
not brought them in vain. I don't know how it reads, but I know
how it spoke," and I am sure it delighted those who heard it-and
what can a speech do more .
After this either the toastmaster or I got into a fog. I fancied
before that toasts had slipped out of the programme. Now, I am sure
they did, and much of the music set down in the programme was omit-
ted, and the arrangements got mixed." But there were one or two
good speeches, and-what was more satisfactory-a good list of sub-
scriptions to an admirable institution.


I don't know that I have anything to add, save my advice to the
indefatigable secretary of the Newsvendors, MA. WALTER JONES, that
next year it would be well for the sake of variety, if for no other rea-
son, to have the dinner at some other tavern than the Freemasons'
Hall. MR. DICKENS, the President of the Institution, hints at retiring
from active duty, and when the attraction of his name is wanting, the
very worthy cause must be well supported still. A more strict atten-
tion to the authorised list of toasts and songs might be advisable on the
part of the toastmaster.
But it really needs little to raise the Newsvendors' Dinner to the
position we should like to see it occupy, that of one of the most popular
gatherings of the season, to which the ladies gratefully say Aye !"


The Right Man in the Right Place.
WE have just come on this item of Indian news:-
A Madras paper states that the Thayetmyo Brigade is to be abolished, and'that
Brigadier-General Macintire will be transferred to a command in the Madras
Presidency.
Surely, instead of abolishing this brigade, it would be wise to send it
to New Zealand. In case of another rising of cannibalistic Maories, it
would be well to meet the man-eaters with their own weapons, and
make them howl out Thoy-ate-me-oh!" with a vengeance.

A Desirable Importation.
A SHORT time since, the Japanese petition against the promulgation
of Christianity by missionaries in the island was given in our English
papers:-and from the Japanese point of view it was reasonable
enough. Here's our latest from Japan :-
A California paper says the Japanese will win universal respect by a sort ot
heathenish habit they have of minding their own business."
If the Japanese like to retort on us by sending missionaries to
England to propagate this heathenishh habit," we, at least, will
receive them with open arms.

THREE REMOVES AS BAD AS A FIRE.
REFRAIN then from picking up with your pretty third cousin as a
"flame."








APRIL 23,-1870.]


FUN.


THE APPROACH OF SPRING.
Br A SPA'MODIC.
THE circumambient Winter dies !
A lode-star languor laps the globe,
That shimmering into warmer skies
Reels down the depths we dare not probe.
The glimmering glamour of the lark,
That sun-absorbed eludes our sight,
Wakes myriad pulses in the dark
Where vernal verdures leap to light.
The swirling swallows dart and dive,
Like evanescent sculptor-thoughts,
'That grope through gloom and yet contrive
'To grasp some things which are not noughts!
"iThill, nerves, as thrills your mother earth,
!Swift veins, your purple currents roll!
AARl ppring's phenomena of birth
'Areeorawded crushing on the soul.
I Oh,isual orb of mortal man,
'W.hat vernal vistas you behold:
Widthitremulous lid aloft, oh, scan
lEarth's mystery, in -green and gold.
Stay brinpy fountains, in: your beds,
,Dim not the beauties I descry.
!Around the tortuous landscape!spread,
Enjoy l 'h prospect, Oh,_My.-Eye!


'SPORTING (WANT OF) '!INTELLIGENCE.
EBavD of the manner in which I had carried out my mission to the
boatesrace, .I determined to enter myself asta regular sporting man on
the books of-a club, and selecting one in: theaneighbourhood of Fleet-
street as most suited, from its contiguity to your office,'foranypurpose, I
started off, .,with.the intention of at once paying my subsc-iption, and
investigating the 'doings of those awful persons whom I had so fre-
quently watched darting in and out, sometimes carrying bags full of
money, and sometimes, with dejected aspect, carrying nothing but the
short stick which is for some mysterious reason the symbol of master-
ship in the craft of betting men. Desolation, however, reigned
supreme in the usually busy street, and struck by the absence of the
well-known prominent noses, the dirty, gem-encrusted fat or knobby
fingers,.attached to the persons of the usual loungers, I began.to think
that possibly the lenity shown to RUTTERFOnD had been compensated
for by a descent upon the betting clubs, and knowing how conspicuous
a member of the racing world I have within.the last couple of weeks
become, I began to tremble for my safety; and was indeed taken so
bad with an attack of the nerves, that I was obliged to enter a public-
house for the purpose of obtaining .a glass of-nothing stronger than
water- before dinner I can assure'you. Sipping my exhilarating
beverage, ;and recovering from my attack of staggers, a voice,' not,
wholly unfamiliar, broke upon my ear.
Why, I'm blowed if that ain't the cove as.,was buckled .at
Wan's'orth."
And immediately Bill, the charioteer, who had helped me out of my
difficulty on the road to Putney, came up and shook hands,'his swarthy
face beaming -with pleasure, and his bright black eyes glistening. I
told himwhy I had come down, and. asked' the reason 6of the falling-off
in-numbers, and his -reply somewhat startledme.
"What! Don't yer know it's Passion-week ? And don't yer know
that's the inter-inter-the inter what-is-it of the spring racing ? We
always has a holiday this week."
"I suppose you mean the interregnum ? "
"Ah, that's it. I don't know why interreggum, but I s'pose it's
called after the name of the inventor. I find most of them hard words
is. Well, come over and see the secretary, and I'll introduce you."
We crossed the road, and entered the now deserted arch which forms
the entrance of the Junction Club. On arriving at the wicket, the
porter whom I had so often peeped at, and who was always so busy,
looked up drearily from a copy of the Calendar," and exclaimed:-'*
"Hullo, BILL, you're the first cove these blessed eyes have seen this
morning. I feel quite ashamed to look at the;old ground with not
a soul in it. It's my opinion this here week was invented by some one
as wanted to stop the game. Well, we can stand a little; but p'raps
he'll, try to make some, more of 'em, ..and :then' there'll be a blow
up. Itmakes-me-wild to think on it. A parcel of red-headed legislators,
as they call 'em, stopping a fellow's business. They ought to be
ashamed of themselves."
Having been introduced to the secretary, I got;my ticket of mem-
bership, and departed, after gazing on the posts against which' the


bookmakers place their price-lists, and with interest studying any
relics-chiefly in the form of orange-peel and cigar-stumps of the
presence of these gigantic minds. Suddenly a piece of folded paper
caught my eye, and thinking it might be a banknote I seized it with
avidity, Finding it was nothing but a piece of a letter I was about to
throw it away, when the following magic letters arrested my atten-
tion :-" I shall therefore, all things considered, give my decision on
the Newmarket Handicap in favour of-
SABINUS,
and shall expect Falkland and Blue Bell colt to be close up at the
finish." I have invested all my money, and should this come off"
the fortune -will be made of yours truly, AuOsrun.


Mrs. Stowe again I
THE impudence of some people! Here'sra woman undertaking to
teach a thing of which shelis herself ignorant :-
Mrs. Beecher Stowe is ,in cf the.authors of a newbook intended'to teabh the
"proprieties" to young ladies.
We have 'heard of a gentleman "who undertook to be instructor of
English to the Russian Fleet, with the sole qualification that, though
he knew no other language, he was well acquainted with English.
Mrs. ST1rWE seems to have even less ground than this for choosing her
.task. To be sure, the Spartans kept Holots, whom they made drunk
Ain order to disgust their sons with the vice of intoxication. Possibly
the authoress of the BYaoN Scandal thinks herself fitted to be the
self-appointed Helot of Propriety.

Caught Tripping.
THE Inverness Courier tells a pretty story of Scotch bigotry and
narrow-mindedness:-
An elder, who is also precentor in a Free Church not 50 miles from Inverness,
lately attended the marriage of his eldest son, ad in the evening joined the young
couple and others in a reel, by way of leading off the dance. This having come to
the ears of the other elders of the church, they held a conclave, to which David
was summoned. He made a full confession, and has been suspended from his office
of precentor for three calender months. David has been an e.dor and precentor for
20 years.
If sacred history -speaks truth, David's namesake, the King of
Israel, would have been harshly dealt with by this Kirk Session.

Capping it.
The new police helmet is described as an Austro-Russo-Prusso
Porridge Pot." Is the allusion to porridge a sneer at the gruel he
called his brains at the expense of the metropolitan constable ?



[ We cannot return unlaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
i panmed by a stamped and directed envelope; .and we do'not hold ourselvr
responsible for loas.]
IxION'S wheel seems to be the production of.a very immature calf.
SQUALL-ON.-By all means, we don't care to try to stop 3 ou.
ONE who can't draw could hardly expectt an engagement at our
house.
OLD B.-The intention is better than the execution, but we can grant it
:no reprieve.
M. (Stoke Newington).--Ditto.
THE author of My Family Names ",will, woe fearnover make himself
a name as a writer. He should try some other line of business- say that of
i a millionaire.
A CLEax.-We can see nothing objectionable in the advertisements 3 o
forward. Are they clerical errors ?
DUNCE.-You seem to have weighed your-own claims-ad (d)unciam !
T. S. (Reading).-We never notice such things.
C. H. (Brighton).-We do not return MSS. whose., senders do not take
the trouble to attend to our rules.
DESPErANDUM.-Yes, if they arc not too lengthy to be admissible.
BAeNk.Y'S SEE (Lichfield), has so often sent'us.would-be coinicalities
that we readily in ert his first joke, an unintentional one. He says "you
,are aware memory proves treacherous,and what we believed our ownproves
to have belonged to another at some time or other- so many (unfortunately)
having been born before us, or"- here's the joke- "or vice versa." We
'don't know-what it means; butiwe have greatly enjoyed it.
'Vox.-Before you begin to teach grammar in verse it would be well to
master prosody.
Declined with thanks :-Derfla N. ; ;F.' G. W., Bromp'on; B. B.;
Wt'N.; C. S.;J. O'H. ; F. C. G., Jun., Camberwell; J. G. H. L Liver-
pool; Trab; J. W. C.,'Rugby; Pluffy ;iAn Owdashus Cu.tomer;.Bob S.;
Viator, Waliham Abbey; C., Swansea; Tip; C. J.; Buffy 'Ben;
A. R. B. P Lewisham'; Snow Ball; K., Dalston; F. S. W., Leeds;
Amicus; The Disinherited; B. T., Kingsland; Noodledum ; Dramaticus;
J. T;9M, ; Cleric;; Ecila; D. M.; G. C.; W. F. W.; The Party; Toodles;
M.j Leeds; Oonky, Hull; ,Cat-alone-'ere; Gale; F. J., Manchester;
F. W:W. ;'F. S. W. -


73


i


I







FUN.


[ApraL 23, 1870.


I.,J.


Ii' ~ ~ II ii -. .


LIBERALITY.
Indignant Cabby :-" HI! You DON'T MEAN THIS THERE SIXPENCE-- "
Kind-hearted Old .Boy:-" Fo You I YES, AND YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT, MY FRIEND--EVERY PENNY!"


THE SWALLOWS.
II ne nous manque plus que les birondelles pour que la metamorphose soit
complete. Un journal du Havre annonee qu'elles sont arrives A Agen. Quand
viendront eles de notre ctl l /That is the question.-Monitear du Calvados.
I SEE white gleaming in the glare-
Another and another follows;
There is a twittering in the air,
They come at last, the welcome swallows,-
Welcome as sunshine bursting after rain,
When winter's o'er the swallows come again.
I see white napkins everywhere-
And groups of gormandising sinners!
What feasts are these which they prepare?
They come-Spring's charitable dinners.
As sure as weevils fasten upon grain,
The guests arrive! the swallows come again!
I see white chokers on all throats-
Exeter Hall is full of spouters !
Each of the mission he promotes
Tells stories that must silence doubters.
May Meetings on folks' faith demand a strain-
But folks bolt all!-the swallows come again!


A Pretty Show!
WHEN we were at school we remember a classmate's describing
Birmingham as being noted for its hardware. Being asked what was
meant by hardware, he said, Butter and cheese and eggs, and that
sort o'thing." We fancy our schoolfellow must have migrated to
Stanningley or Farsley, for we think we can trace his hand in the
prospectus of a Floral and Horticultural Show in that locality. The
committee, we are informed, intend holding an exhibition-
During the ensuing Summer, the object of which is to encourage the o owra and
BREED of FLORAL and HORTICULTURAL PRODUCTS-POULTRY, PIGS, BIaDS, or other
ARTICLES or ANIMALS of a similar character-especially amongst COTTAGERS and
AMATEURS, by giving PRIZES, and in any other desirable manner.
We suppose a pig in a bed of tulips is not considered an extra-
ordinary sight in the Stanningley district. But we should like to
have it more clearly defined which birds and animals are floral, and
whichhorticultural.

A LITTLE OF IT GOES A LONG WAY.
OPEN HOU E-KEEPING.-" My lodgings are on the cold ground."

SHOW THIS TO YOUR WIFE!-A never-failing cure for "sulks"-
Silks.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Mesrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phocnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: Apri 23, 1870.


74


1 74


7-








APRIL 30, 1870.]


FUN. __


THE FIRST SALAD.
THE poets of our land have told
Of Love, and Youth and Beauty,
Of young adventurers so bold
To do all knightly duty.
They've sung the praise of strife and war,
In many a stirring ballad;
But I've a theme that's fairer far,
I sing the first spring salad!
My verses are but humble-I
Don't boast the poet's status,
But in this subject I descry
A chance of the afflatus,
As wild and mystic as that given,
By Delphic groves surrounded--
I tell how lettuce leaves are riven,
How salads are compounded.
You take your lettuce, find within
Where finest leaves lie whitest,
You quite discard the outer skin,
Then with a hand-the lightest-
You shred a small spring onion there,
Then oil comes, while you mix it
Pour vinegar with greatest care-
That's howJ always fix it.
For if you smother lettuce up
With egg and cream, and flavour
A wondrous mixture in a cup,
'The lettuce loses savour.
Its delicate and airy taste
You'll find has straightway vanished.
In short, I count it shameful waste,
So be such mixtures banish'd.
Good oil and vinegar alone
Must crown the bowl delightful,
Strange dressings may have piquant tone,
But their results are frightful.
So serve your salad as I say,
Just vinegar and oil it,
Eschew each queer elaborate way,
Or, trust me, you will spoil it.

MEN WHO "ACT ON THE SQuARE."-Glaziers.


The Wrong Box.
HERE's a hint for us:-
Maryland proposes to punish prizefighters and their trainers by imprisonment of
from one to five years, and spectators of a prize fight by a fine of from 100 dollars
to 1,000 dollars.
This would be making a ring (of)fence that would effectually keep out
pugilism, for spectators once caught at a mill would be careful to
abstain from the brutalising spectacle for fear of becoming re-fined.

A Side Wind.
THe South London Press says:-
MR. A. SIDE has determined to take his seat at the St. Saviour's Guardians next
Thursday, in order to test the validity of his election.
We don't seed how Ma. A. SIDE will de-cide the question. Be-side! if
he's A-side he can't be heard on the point at all.

"Cut your Coat," &c.
IT is rumoured that EARL SPENCER will resign the Lord Lieutenancy
of Ireland, and will be succeeded by MR. CHICHESTER FORTESCUE, who
is to be raised to the peerage. After Ireland has had a SPENCER so
short, she should have something more in keeping with her own pro-
duce, so suppose MR. F. takes the title of Duke of Frieze-land.

M.D. Honours.
WE are informed that an English woman, Miss MORGAN by name,
has proceeded to the degree of M.D., at Zurich. On the question of
doct'rin', we fancy she might have been satisfied with being a lay-D.

GREEN GAGEs.-Young lovers' vows.
IN what part of the ship does a sailor's interest centre ?-In the
focustle.


BITING SARCASM.
Butcher :-" Do 'ux BITE, Guv'Non ? "
Dog-man:-" No, he DON'T; BUT I SHOULD SAY YOU LOOKED AS IF you0 DID
-AND PRETTY OFTEN!"


MY BISCUIT.
TRuP, on the labouring vessel's deck,
While fierce tornados threaten wreck,
And furious billows roll,
The "captain's biscuit may bring balm,
And fill with courage high and calm
The captain's dauntless soul.
Where sickness wrings the aching breast,
Wears out the spirits, breaks the rest,
And racks the weary frame,
No doubt of strength there is a share
In biscuits that so proudly bear
Great AIERNETHY'S name.
The Reading biscuits some may prize,
Which HUNTLEY, with his PALMER, vies
To render superfine.
And Presburg biscuits, too (although
'Where Presburg is, I do not know),
May much improve one's wine.
His charcoal biscuits BRAGG may boast,
Whose pleasant flavour turns out most
Unlike what you expect.
And some SPRATT's biscuits may prefer
To eat themselves-not give a cur,
They're not horse, recollect.
All these may have their charms, I own.
But I desire one kind alone-
A simple, modest sort-
The crumpled Cracknell, brown, but pale,
Which eats (with cheese and bitter ale)
Crisp, delicate, and short!


VOL. XI.








76 FUN [APm 30, 1870.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, April 27th, 1870.
ATISFACTORY as is the general arrangement of the Budget,
which MR. LowE introduced to sweeten the Easter holidays, there
is no provision in it which we hail more gladly than the gun
tax. It will check the destruction of small birds, and. put a
stop to the annoyance to which dwellers in the sulburbs are subjected
by a set of loafers, who make the Sunday morning hideous, in winter, by ceaseless pagping and banging, riddling valuable 'trees
with shot, and not seldom endangering life.
Not the least merit of the plan is that it wl1 also -(pending fke
reconsideration of theleame Laws) do auch to discourage poaching, -A
only by forbidding, to im .any s-idle ladllhe use of a w6 aponhat Iibd!fe
with temptation when carried iinthe aeighbourhood of mw
The objections mnged against. he measure are ftterly vhildiih, lfor
they-imply that itk-ill be impossible to discover aa.meansEmd Marpting
the volunteer's ifiBe, and the scare-.eow's brown b-ees.'
Ma. Lows deserves the thanks of the farmers. sB3as~mfaseSf all
men of refinement and sensibility, who are not siezeid wirth a desire to
kill the moment they see a 'lld creaturee enjoying its modestahare of
life and sunshine.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. AB4.
He spoke of figures and 'twas strange,
How wide he let his fancy range
O'er estimates, and made them seem
A crowd offigures in a dream.
He-yut this on, he took it off,
Some country members 'gan to scoff,
They -didf't -guite see all the beauty
Of what he .did, twas but a duty.
1. The student had done well, had flnish'd his work,
No difficult question had ventured to shirk,
So, 'mid shouts of applause loud as roar of the sea
They gave him a laurel wreath-and lhis-degree.
2. If you asked a French neighbour,.and spoke.in- the
tongue
That o'er civilised Europe has pleasantly rung,
To tell you where anything was, I should say
You would use-flis -one word many times-in t e-day.
3. A curious feature
About this small word
Is, simply a creature
It means, as I've heard.
It means .too as -well
What.a creature-is not,
That one word I tell
When I call it a jot.
4. When the lerce mosstrooper came
Setting peaceful farms aflame, -
Stealing cattle, taking lives,
Walking off with hapless wives;
Leaving none alive to tell
How his -bad work was done well,
Since he rooted up the nation,
That work bears this appellation.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 162.-ZEaster Sunday: Eaves, Ambigu,
Shin, Tod, Errata, Rory.
,fCORREcT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC No. 162, BEczivzn 20th APrIL, 1870.-D. E. I. ;
Sour Lomon; Chummie; Tom and Jim; G. Alector; Frank and Maria; Old Maid;
Sam; Doddy; Timothy and Co.; Six Princes; Sym and An; Harpenden; Oakland.
CmuxmE.-Answers should reach -us not later than the Wednesday after
publication. ________

Meeting your Xatch.
IF BRYANT AND MAY were going to have a mill for a hundred pound
a side, why might one be certain the fight would not be a "cross" ?
Because they are sure .to come to the scratch on the box.

ANY port in a storm,-always provided log-wood does not make it
a-pier so.
A CROOKED TEMPER.-Why is a crooked sixpence like evidence?
Because it's testy money.


Willxinxam ^efsqg ,wit,
BOSN MAY 6TH, 1836; DIED APRIL 17TH, 1870.

ON Easter Sunday, at Nice, died of disease of the lungs,
WILLIAM JEFFHAY PROWSE, in the thirty-lourth year of his
age. It has been but too often our sad task-to record the death
of friends and fellow-workers on the not very numerous staff of
this journal. It is with the deepest grief that we add this one
more name to the list, which seems to make it the only con-
solation in this world of farewells, that every day brings us
nearer to those we have lost.
Until ill-health and other causes prevented him, Mn. PRowsE
was a frequent contributor to these columns. Three years ago
the unmistakable symptoms of grave pulmonary affection
showed themselves, and rendered it necessary for him-to winter
in the South of France, in the hope of arresting the disease.
Its progress unhappily was too advanced, and the inclemency
of the last winter aggravated -it. Through long and severe
suffering he maintained an unwearying fortitude; and even to
the last, when he was doubtless aware of the approach of a death
he did not fear, his cheerful and utterly unselfish -nature strove
to sustain the spirits of others with hope. At last he fell
asleep, with the calm of settled faith, in charity with all men.
As a writer he was honest, upright, and truthful. He has
left no line we could wish blotted, while many a worthy Charity
will miss his eloquent pleading which so often aided the suffer-
ing and the distressed. Had he -been able to adopt literature
as his profession, there is ample evidence in his writings
that he might have won himself a foremost place. The
creation of such a character as the "Nicholas" of his chief
contributions* to this paper prove ,him second to none of our
humourists in power; while the pathos and grace of such
poems as My Lost Old Age," show him possessed of the
"faculty divine" in no mean measure. He combined with a
keen but kindly wit, the modesty of true genius, and an almost
womanly tenderness for the feelings of others. With such
peculiar felicity of style, and so much refinement, he could not
have failed to enrich our English literature from the treasures
of his well-stored mind.
Unfortunately journalism-unfortunately the Daily Telgraph
secured his services:-and literature lost him. The excessive
labour and unwholesome surroundings of newspaper work un-
doubtedly sowed the seeds of the disease to which he has
succumbed. But he not only accepted-he took-a pride in his
chosen calling; and he was loyal and devoted.to the flag under
which he had enlisted; though of course as an anonymous jour-
nalist he surrendered all share in the public repute won by his
writings-which were indeed often attributed to others.
It is easier to speak of the genius that survives than of the
friend who is gone. The-hand that pens -this faltering record is
conscious, all the more from its apprenticeship to its craft, how
vain is the attempt to express in satisfying language the feel-
ings of those who lament -this too early loss. The last memento
of the dead-a few lines faintly pencilled on a slip of paper for-
warded from Nice by a kind and considerate friend- contains the
words, Love stronger than death:" BSuch was the love he
bestowed upon-swuch the love 'he inspired in those who knew
him best. Such was the divine love, in contented reliance upon
which he closed his eyes. A.jeaueful ending like this after fierce
suffering and struggle, endured so pttiehtly and so courageously,
is best described by a line from one of his own poems:-
Oh, 'twas abeautifdl death to die'l "


The Gay Lothair-!-ilwe !
READERS are anxiously waiting and looking for Mn. DISRAELI'S pro-
mised novel Lothair. -But the 'publishers will not say "Lo, here "
until May. There is no foundation for 'the rumour that the opening-
scends of the story are laid in the Lothair Arcade.
"i'tmet it IB.1"
An anxious coiffeur writes to 'ask us whether, in the event of the
repeal of the game laws, there will -be anything to prevent hair-dyeing.
We should say not-as a matter of course, but he would do well to.
bring the question before the meeting either at Ashdown or
elsewhere.
A STIR-UP COp.-The tea-spoon.
BENEFIT OF CLERGY.-When two Sundays come in one week.
Our readers will learn -With pleasure that a selection from MR. PaowsE'S
writings will be published shortly.-ED.








AptiL 30, 1870.] FUN. 77


YOLANDE.
IN THE YVERY OLD BALLAD STYLE.


OLANDE, the Fair, with the golden
hair,
She wedded the King of Eidough-
nowehr.
Crown me my heart's endeavour !
O*, many a knight from many a
land
S Ha sought in vain for the damsel's
hand!
Thmaghwhy, I confess, I don't un-
derstand.
2. stream runs on for ever

YeTfarmu, the Fair, was. a lovely
S emS was always muskt wherever
aae ca=e.
lr'res mewsp Hgeard endeavour r
M e talke, and she laughed, and
she Sang all. day,
The ho wet. merry dancing
away,
And the mionads& had nevew a word
to say.
Ta streasmvs on for ver !
1 But alack-aday fm th E air Yo-
La s,
For there caminalong a crusading band
Crown me my heavis endeavour !
And though ftha ha&ha r dlya year been we,
Her husband awsy to the Holy Land sped,
And in answer' te all her entreaties but said,.
The s'reOam Um on for ever !
Then the Paynimaskeearved, and choppedeand drilled,
And tried very ha~nthey say, to get killed.
Crown me my heart's endeavour I
He lost an eye and an arm he shed,
And he got an ugly-ish crack on the head;
And he left one leg on the plain for dead.
The stream runs on for ever !
They brought back all that was of him left-
YOLANDRof life was anigh bereft.
Oh, crown. my heart's endeavour !
"How little of you, my love, they've spared !"'
"An eye, and an arm, and a leg," he declared,
"Are gone-but my hearing is unimpaired!"
The stream runs- on for ever !
The fair YbOAN E by his-couch she kept
A vigil, and talked and sangtill he slept.
Oh, crown my heart's endeavour!
And she sang and talked till he waked again,
And strove in soft accents to soothe-hib pain,
But the king was d9yri and- that was plain!
The stream runs on for ever-[
Good Father ANasBx did swiftly hie
To the king, and besought him what made him die.
Oh, crown my Neart's endeavour !
Said the king, "I was. happy, unwed, and young-
Than go to Crusades I had sooner been hung.
But," and here he whispered, Her Majesty's tongue-!"
And he added, the burden which, I have sung-
The streas.runs on for ever!"

Good News for Sulphuring Humanity.
WE are informed that large sulphur beds have been discovered- in
California. If those wretched busybodies the match-makers would
emigrate thither, and be comfortably tucked-up in them, no onewould&
regret it.
Shaksperian Menm.
Yoincx ought to have been a capital jester, but as a digester-i.e.,
cook-he was not much of it; for-he-was constantly setting the table
on the raw(r).
A MAN ever ready to scrape an acquaintance.-The barber.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
MR. EDGAR BaRNSMEAD brings tp his History of the Pianoforte
(CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPIN), not only the fruits of research and
study, but the results of practical experience. The opening chapters
give a sketch of the early days of music, and of the various stringed
instruments of the ancients. Then we come to a discourse on instru-
ments of later date, whose very names have an echo of poetry-the
clavichord, the virginal,the spinet. Mt. BRINSMEAD next proceeds to
describe the construction of the modern pianoforte, from its invention,
down to the latest improvements which he himself has added to perfect
it. All this we need hardly say is as interesting as it is instructive,
nor must we omit mention of a chapter on tuning and repairs, which
strikes us as likely to prove of great use to country cousins far remov-
ed from tuners and manufacturers. Some curious illustrations are
added, and the book is altogether a capital one.

Halo, Hullo !
W. came on some lines the other day in which the rustic bard" is
said to be doing this : -
Fair is the task: bis is the part
To linm the seasons as they roll;
To touch with lovw the Pimple lheart,
And bind a halo round the soul.
How ean one bind a halo? The rustic bard must have been thinking
othinding a hay-band.

Comparatively Good.
SWHAT'S4 the difference between the Chancellor of the Exchequer and
the Income Tax P-Why, one's Lows and the other's going to be
Stower,
R uefs another speeimen of LowB wit, from the same. contributor,
wbIomr we should state in justice to ourselves, we have since
d aieharged:-
What's the differenee between MR. LOWE and the agriculturists ?-
The Malt Tax-and a serious difference it is, too; one which. is no
nearer aaettlemen~ to-day than it was twenty years ago.

I'se Yorkshire,, too: 1
THE "Wars of the Roses" seem likely to be followed by the
"Rivalry of the Relishes." Worcestershire has found a competitor for
favour in Yorkshire Sauce, which is, as sporting men say, backed hea-
vily for a place-in every sideboard. If we have not laid our stakes on
the Yorkshire, we have placed it on our steaks and the result was
highly satisfactory.

A Banger.
A BinmseuixA correspondent reports to us a somewhat ludicrous
incident as having occurred in that town. A French gentleman pre-
sented himself one morning at "The Proof House" under the impres-
sion that it was the Establissement des Bais.

Proof to the Contrary.
A. well-known authority on coursing is announced as being engaged
on an exhaustive work on that subject. We fear there is likely to be
some delay in the printing, as he is sure to insist upon seeing the
proofs of it in the slips."

To Students in the Museum of Geology.
IT is generally believed that "you cannot get blood out of a stone."
How then do you account for the fact that so many marbles are full
of veins ?
Master of his Craft.
IT is pretty generally known that the Premier is a capital hand at
felling a tree. This is a mere bagatelle-he can, any day he pleases-
" make a house."
From Top to Toe.
SPOsISsx are contradictory creatures. They often express a wish
to secure: so many head of game, when the keeper informs them
that the game's a-foot.

A LABOUR OF LFrr.-The yachtman's.
ADJUNCTS TO A PtINIC.-HEDGPS AND BUTLER.
WITH A TENDON-CY TO THE OBSCUiE.-One of the sinews of
war "-The Tendon Achilles.
To PRESERVE YOUR SELF-COMPLACENCY.-Never "put out" your
tongue.







FUN.


[APRIL 30, 1870.


THE RECENT NORTH EASTERS.
Mamma :-" ARE YOU COLD, GEORGIEF" |I Georgi:-" NO, MA!


BUT THE wind IS!"


Raw Material.
WE have recently met with these old lines quoted d-propos of
present fashions.
What is the reason- can you guess-
Why ma n are poor and women thinner ?
So much do they for dinner dress,
That nothing's left to dress for dinner.
They don't seem to us at all to the point-perhaps we should say the
line- to which fashion goes nowadays. If the dinners were as little
dressed as the ladies' shoulders, we should be always on the raw at
table.
Well-mustered Arguments.
HERE'S a queer "Buffalo gal":-
AT A TEMPErA firm belief that it was a grave sin for parents to allow their young children to use
condiments, and inveighed against the long category of sin and crime which may be
traced to the immoderate use of mustard.
We don't see the objection to mustard, but of course no mother who
loves her children would give them pepper." There is one condi-
ment at any rate that has a purifying effect. Of course by that is
the Disinfecting Fluid of CONDY meant.

The Biter Bitten.
MONEY is said to burn holes in pockets, but it has other qualities in
common with the devouring" element. We should think any
one would know a fourpenny bit.

A COOL REQUEST.-" Give me a draught! "
THE POACHER'S FAVOURITE TIPPLE.-A little gin.
THE STAIOGHTEST-TIP ON RECORD.-The tip of a Grecian nose.
SPRING'S delights are now returning," as the lady said, when she
turned her light silk for the third time.


Old Saws with New Handles.
THERB's many a slip "-put in in the autumn that doesn't show
green in the spring.
"All that glitters "-at any rate acts on reflection.
"When the wine's in "-the longer you keep the cellar door locked,
the longer it will last.
aWhat's sauce for the goose "-depends on whether you can get
any apples.

A Great Gun.
THIS is good reading :-
SIm WILLIAM AxRBTXONG has presented 2500 to the Newcastle-on-Tyne Infir-
mary to help to carry out extensions. It is intended to build an Armstrong wing.
We always associate gentleness with great power, and here's a proof
of the justice of so doing-a strong arm with an open hand.

Trying his Mettle.
STATESMEN have frequently been accused of blowing hot and cold.
The premier may fairly be charged with a stranger alteration of con-
sistency. It's well known he's (s)often in Harwarden. Eh ? "
Why, he's Soft 'un an' Hard 'un. Get out!

Bell-Lettres.
A CORRESPONDENT wishes to know of what metal bells were made in
ancient times. We cannot say precisely, but we have a faint recollec-
tion that in our Latin studies we met with a mention of a tin-
tinnabulum.
Force of Habit.
THE holder of a season-ticket on the Metropolitan Railway has a
confirmed habit of underlining his letters.

NEw SHAKESPERIAN READING.-Watson- a name.








- -~-=~'
/ I-!


SMALL BIRDS V SMALL SPORTSMEN.
The Agricultural Interest :-" THANK YOU FOR THAT GUN-TAX, MR. LOWE, ON BEHALF OF MY USEFUL LITTLE FEATHERED FRIENDS
TeArctuaInret-"TAKSAL BID M LL SOTM N







APRIL 30, 1870.]


FUN


81


1 ,_ _ __ _ __ _ __ _


M.mrs DrawnO an Thinqs in General.,

MRS. BROWN AND THE CABMAN.

SAYS, Don't be that aggrawatin, Brown, don't, a-sayin' as I
ain't got no case, as is talking down right foolishness 'arf asleep,
when the case is as plain as the nose on your face, as the
saying' is." "Well," says BRowN, "take your own way, only
don't you 'oiler if you're turned out of court."
I sa3s, "Ma. BRowN, I'd thank you for to recollect as you're
a-talkin' to your own lawful wife, as is a lady as knows manners, and
wouldn't go on so as to be turned out of no court, not even QUEEN
WITro IA's werry own, as is werry different to what KING GEORGE'S
did used to be, as I 'ave 'eard say were a regular den. But law, all
them things is. a good deal changed now, for I well remembers many a
:court as were that 'over-crowded as they've been and run streets
through, the same as Cranbourne Alley, as is where my dear mother
bought me the bonnet as I were -married in, as were a tuscan straw,
lined and trimmed with a white sarsenet, and a curtain behind as were
all the go."
It wasn't no use mne a-goin' on for BRowN he was snorin' and never
'eard a word, so I says to-miyself, I'll'ave'thelaw on that fellerif it's
only for the sake of bringing' others to justice;" an'd fell asleep a-thinin'n
of it-hover.
I didn't -say nothing to Bnoww inthe morain', bit as -soon as he
were off, I jest took and dressed -myself that.genteel as I knowed was
the way for to be'treated well by them magistracies, as in-course sees
such a a moment when they sees 'er. I wore my black silk as I've 'ad 'arf
turned twice, and looks werry nice through bein' cleaned up with -a
little gin as always brings the colour back the same as -my black wail
as I wore over my welwet bonnet as is trimmed in scarlet as ldoks
warm and showy too, -with my grey angola shawl, and werry -nice
warm gloves, and a netted spencer underneath.
I ,must say as you do meet werry wulgar parties in them omble-
buses, the same as two young gigglin' hidjots as -was a-settin' opper-
site me a-makin' remarks; with a -young feller as -were along with
then. I were-a-settin' agin the door and jest a-restin' my arm on the
ledge ofit, when the conductor he takes and opens it that sharp as out
I -shot sideways, and sent a old man as were a-gettin' in spinning'
backards on the conductor, and should 'ave been quite out myself only
for that young feller a-graspin' on me that tight as, though painful,
were, the -safin' .on tme.
That conductor he says to me, "I didn't see the state as you *ws in
orl wouldn't 'avetooik you up." I says,-" What 'state?" "Why,"
hesays, Moppy, uthdt's all, as is.beginni' eahrhy.
I says, ".My goodman-i, you're:-forgettin' yourself-s as am perfectly
saber." "Well," he eays,'"-.yo nsmdlls strong'-eogh of sperrits to-
knock any one overg" "es;"-says -one 'od them young girls, "it's'
quite stiflin'."
1I says," 'Ow dare-yOu -","and-was a-goira' on to give it'er well,
when remembered -sB I'd been and-cleaned miy wail with a little
sporrits jest afore starting' throughits a-lookin that br-wn as no real-
Shantilly didn't ought to-: an .I knows it's real through bein' bought
years,ago at U=iNe's lace-shop, -ae -did used to be close agin Leicester-
square afore moving' to Regent-street. :So, I says, i "I asks pardon',
but," I says, "I didn't-ihink as the-mell woulit'ave'lasted that long,
particular in the hair."
-Says the old;geht, as I'i -so honear knocked 'backard6, "Ab, the best
thing is to chew a bit-of lemon- peel, or even a clove, mum." I says,'
What, to clean your wail with? as is: all as I've done wih sperrits
this :blessed-day."
He. give a,cough and a-wink,:and them young galts:bustmit a-roarin'm
with lafture, so, as it were werry near where I wanted setting' down, I'
got out, but not afore I'd told 'em as they wasn't no ladies; and, as to
the conductor, I soon -stopped 'is jeers -by a-tellin' 'im as I were
a-goin' to summons :a cab-man, An-d I'd put 'im in too if he give me
any :of 'is cheek, as is -what .I don't 'old -with from them low
characters.
-I hadn'tt werry far to go-ta that-there Pertice -office, as I could tell in
a mint by the look of the place, and, oh, law, the poor creeturs 'angin'
aboet,a-waitin' to betok tip as all lookedoasthough they'd be glad if
any one would take and 'ang them and put em out of their
miseries.
.The .perlice were werry perlite,.as stood at the door and let me in to
where the magistracy were a-settin' a-readin' somnethink out of a book
as no doubt was the laws, so I walks up a step or two in a place like a
pew with no seat in it jest for to ketch the magistracy's eye.
He looks up off his book that instant and says, "Well 'ave you got
your bail?" I says, "Bless your 'art no, and don't want none."
"Then," he says, you must be sent back to prison."
I says, "I never was in ,prison in my life, -except once in Newgate


when quite a gal for to see a party as were left for death." "Ah,"
says the magistracy, a-stoppin' me, an old offender."
I was a-goin' to speak, when a party in a black gownd like a parish
clerk, spoke to 'im and a perliceman come up to me and says, "Stop
down, you're not a prisoner." I says, "Who dares say as I am ?"
"Why," says the party, you went and stood where prisoners is
put," and so he told his wusship.
Oh," says the magistracy," I thought it was that drunken old
reprobate in the case of bigamy as was on the fust thing this morning'
as sent for 'er brother-in-law to bail 'er."
I says, "Do I look like bigamy ? and if I did it's not my brother-in-
law as I would send for as 'ave wronged me shameful out of property
as were my dear mother's through a-marryin' my eldest sister as is jest
seventeen my seniorer and never would see 'er own mother."
"Do hold your tongue," says the magistracy, and tell us what you
want here." "Why," I says, I wants for to summons a cabman as
'ave been that estortin' a-tryin to impose on me, as knows my way
about, and ain't a-goin' to be told by no cabman living' as I don't know
the difference between two-shillin's a 'our and sixpence a mile."
Well," says a party, "'ave you got theticket ?" I says, What
ticket?" He says, "As the cabman give you." I says, "In course
not, cos he didn't give me none, but," I says, "I've got 'is number and
'ere it is," and I give the party the old antelope as I'd been and put theo
number of the cab on the back.
"What's this?" says the party. I says, "The number of the cab."
"Why," he says, "it's ten-million two-'undred and thirty-nine as
you've got down 'ere."
Well," I says, "what of that P" Why," ho says, "you don't
think as there's as many cabs as that about."
I says, "Not a-knowin' cannot Say, though I do think as there's too
many by 'air as often leads to axidence as will happenn in the best
regulated families, as the saying' is, but no occasion to 'avo the polo of
a bus right through the back of the cab with the sharf of another
through the side with seven inside a-goin to the pantermino, as I
-knowed the case on myself."
"What is that old lady a-talkin' about F" says the magistracy. I
says, "Cabs, as is downright necessaries no doubt but like a many
others regular nuisances, but ain't a-goin' to 'ave the best of me."
Says the party in the gownd, "This can't be the number, jest take
and look at it yourself." So I puts on my glasses and see as I'd been
and put a lot of orts in, as in course wasn't no use, as we all knows as
out stands for nothing.
So I says, "Young man, you take and leave them orts out and then
it will be the c'rect card, as the saying' is." So he says, "All right, if
you thinks -so, that'll'be two shn's fo two shilln's for the summons, and yu must
come the day carter to-morrer."
'" What," I says, "can't -you summons 'im while I stops?" "Law,
bless you, no," says he, "you must come again I tell you, so be here

(To be Continued.)


TO A HOLLOW FRIEND.
YEs once thou seemedst a part of me
-By ties that none might sever.
.Now I would bid goodbye to thee,
For ever-and for ever.
'.Once I would never have believed
That-thou would'st cause me pain.
I trusted thee-I was deceived,
I trust thee not again.
The sleepless nights I owe to thee-
The days of anguish deep.
e o! Though thou hast been dear to me,
Thy presence makes me weep.
Yes! Go, though with me thou did'st dwell
From early days of youth.
Depart-a long, a last farewell,
You wretched hollow tooth.

Winged Words.
Tim benefit of Ma. CHARLES WRIGHT, the obliging treasurer of the
Haymarket, takes place on Wednesday the 4th of May, when Ma.
Craven's new comedy "Barwise's Book" will add its attractions to
others, which should draw a good house. ,S, -,,
Old Drury has opened once again with opera, and has been re-
decorated in the most elegant manner byMEBssas. GlREN AND -KIo, of
New Bond-street, who have done their work tastefully and.well.

INDISPENSABEE garment for a Canadian emigrant.-A West-kit.







82 FU N [ArIL 30, 1870.


THE GOVERNMENT TELEGRAPH OFFICE. been impossible all at once to bring the various modes of working into
CLICK, click, clack, tick, clicker, tick, clack, clack, go all the instru- one system.y, and what i more, in good
ments at once, as we enter the room. This is the Metropolitan Depart- The girls all look contented and happy, and what is more, in good
ment only. As yet some of the suburbs have not been brought into health. The labour is not munwhoesome, evidently, and they are not
communication; but the room is very full and very busy even now. kept constantly in one cramped posit ion. The hours are not too long,
There i a sort of pulpit at one end for the Superntendent, but it is and they are taken care of, andtreated with every consideration. It
unoccupied. Nevertheless the room has somewhat the look of a girl's is impossible to avoid thinking of the clamorous females who declaim
school learning the sewing machine; for almost all the clerks are better to get "Woman's Righplatform, and come and see what admirable
women. They seem very intent on their labours, and -" satisfied," says better to get off the platform, and come and see what admirable
a cynical companion "with the clatter of the instruments "-they do "Woman's Work" there is here-what excellent employment a
not talk as their sex is said to delight in doing. hundreds of girls. It is quite a treat to see them all looin well and
Over yonder, against the wall, are several pipes not unlike what are happy, neatly dressed, and healthily employed.
called hydrants. There is a small plate of glass in the side at the end, There is yet another room where the same busy click-clack of the
and if you watch it you will see presently something shoot into it, with needle-telegraphic, not sewing-is heard. How many are there on
a sort of sob. It looks like a sample of drugget. The pipes are pneu- the establishment? About six hundred altogether-a large staff to
matic tubes from the nearer offices, the felt packet contains messages, manage and superintend. And the amount of work done is large too.
which are taken out and distributed for transmission. There is ample excuse for hitches and difficulties at starting. To have
More clicking, and louder, upstairs! In this room, as the picture taken on suddenly so vast an enterprise, and carry it forward without
shows, there are more lady-clerks, all intent on the telegraphic instru- some mistakes, would have been more than human creature could hope
ments. That one with the large chignon is sending messages North- to do. Bat the difficulty of the position is being mastered, and in a
ward. The dark-haired girl is in communication with the South. short space of time the machinery will work rapidly, smoothly, and
Here is a lady conveying to half a-dozen towns at once the press silently.
reports of the corn market. There is as much variety of instruments Downstairs to the basement! Here is the battery room, where
as of beauty in the room. Here is one that punches holes in strips of three people are constantly at work to keep up the galvanic force. It
paper, as if the damsel in charge were stamping embroidery patterns is a curious funereal sort of place, with the troughs on shelves, like so
Here is one that records dots and lines. Here another that gives its many Lilliputian sarcophagi. But they don't contain corpses. Peep
tidings by strokes on a bell. In an inner room there is a printing in and see the chemical bodies all alive-the mysterious es and seneas sowhi
instrument, which records its message in clear type, so that the strips life to the wires, and speaks across continents and seas so
have only to be cut into handy lengths and pasted on the form. At quickly and so quietly.
our request the young lady in charge enquires what sort of weather A peep into the engine-room (the pneumatic tubes are exhausted b
they have at Liverpool. In a minute we read by the sunlight that steam) to see the instruments whereby big reels of paper like small
pours downfrom awindow above that theweather at Liverpool is"dull." columns are cut up into slices to supply the slender ribbon on which
Along the walls of the room are the studs, by attaching the wires of the instruments record their messages. Then upstairs, among ladders
the instruments to which, communication is effected with the batteries and labourers-they are hard at work enlarging and altering the pre-
in the basement. Like the studs of Eastern legends, they produce mises-into the pleasant sunshie. Good morning to Mm. FiscHER,
all sorts of magical effects when simply turned, the manager of the department, who has so kindly shown us over, and
It is astonishing to see bow rapidly the instruments are worked. It so clearly explained all the mysteries of the work. A hansom
teems like playing very rapid dance music on a piano with only two -homewards !
or three keys. The variety of instruments, it should be stated, is due
to the fact that all the old companies used different ones; and it has WHAT is the height of Expectation when it stands on tip-toe ?








AranL 30, 1870.] FU N 83


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
A HAzz of saw and tan'dust; sounds of joy and disapprobation; close
to me two bodies struggling, locked in such a writhing embrace that it
seems impossible eaer'to separate them; further on other bodies being
violently thrown down, to the accompaniment of more bodies quite as
violently falling u.Ipon them; a tall man waving flags as hard as he
can; and a general aspect of madness about everybody. Can you, dear
Feo, imagine where your special commissioner is when he sees all
this ? As guessing correctly never was your forte, I will at once tell
you. It being the duty of every pillar of the sporting world to be
present at the Agricultural Hall on Good Friday, I was there seated
at a table in the ring in company with those lesser lights whose only
duty it isto.contribute to sporting papers. But I am not haughty -and
unbending, and chat amicably with.them-that is as amicably as their.
peculiar manners and customs will allow. I see that one individual
has the word "a.leqpless written on the book in which he is making
signs like tlhe pothooks and hangers so dear to the hearts of, eory-
body who has ever been to school, the recollections of which ,ae so
suggestiveaof the.-avoury-jumble and :the fragrant brandy sall. *his
is the man, .thought 1, so awfully wide awake that hb-e tmtell me
everything. lowing -to him gracefully, I said, (Can you tul me the
names ,.of txoe t-seVo men who are climbing about each a ther so vio-
lently:? -Oh, 'an maure they'll hart themselves." I coWl't ,help'
ney ing this, though I saw directly afterwards that..I1had,,Ane w ong.
" What! don't know Lanky BILL and.DI)ic the Jowlerff Wheedp
you come fr=o,.- s .what are yer a-rerportin' for?'" 'Takfg a o
notice of the latter impertinent question, 1 told the lieeplaaIman Vtat
of course they were Towling BuLL and 1io the -whlfikaal
"But being abit short-sighted you see, old fellow, I dsiijk reeognols
them." Growlingesomething about a flat, my companiont-anton with,
his voiti ,:_whichkseemnelto trouble him: much,andlthaogkt;fom thei
word the used 'that either one or other of the men wa- down; but:
such e.a -not the case, and they were now Ihe centrean .attraction.
As th. y apun round and round I felt quite giddy, so I thought the best
thing I could do was to le&m it. off by heart as my new friend wrote,
and as he couldn't nOite fast I had it all dawn in, my head before be
was half done. If there 'is any trifling inacovarcy:ix is owing to my
not taking a book with me, but I know it is all right.
LONDON CHAMPION ALLWEIGHTS, FOR SEVEN-STO1l9E F5 IN TBE
COUNTRY.
48TH AND LAST ROUND.
Jowling Drcx threw BILL Lanky; BILL Lanky got up again.
Jowling DicK threw BILL Lanky; BILL Lanky got up aguin,'and won-the prize.
[I can't exactly make this out,. asI think the man who throws generally gets the
prize, but I'm sure I'm right according to what was written.]
REMARKs.-Great silence pervaded and prevailed all over the lofty establishment,
and the sun peeped in as if anxious to share in the sport; the spectators held' their
respective and several breaths, and even the reporter who has for many years
brated the battle and the-breeze, trembled as-these two redoubted champions, who
would have made the classic wrestlers of the Areadian Ambos feel very small indeed,
advanced to the grip. -Two great comparisons are to be made about these men.
DICK of the iron jowl is like an old- guard, for he never dies, but surrenders when
defeated, and thus has been champion for a great number of years, and BILL of the
lengthy grasp isas the original Christy's Minstrels (please send for advertisement
money) for he never performs out of London. No, year by year he stands at the
Agricultural Hall, and proudly hurls the defiance at the foe. And as the poet has
somewhere said-
With that stern joy which wrese8is: feel
In foemen worthy of the outside hipe, the inside click, the cross buttock,, or the back
'heel," '
they advanced to the combat. 'Several times' BILL essayed "to bring his man to
mother earth, but DICK clung to him, and getting upon his back almost toppled
him over; but to no purpose. Seeing his fell intent, B LL_jumped in the air and
turning suddenly round witi a swinging cross buttock of the half-hipe kind brought
DICK down amid the plaudits of the assembled thousands. After a short rest they
were at it again, BIlygetting his opponent across his knee, and dropping him with
a Bernohdsey hek. Thus onewagaih-was the long-limbed hero hailed the champion
of that game which cheers bhetnver iipbriates the weakest-minded.
[DEAR MR. EDTonR,-You will see that the descriptive matter hardly agrees with
the tabulated statement, but if you read it over only half as many times as I have
'done, you will agree with me that it would be worse than _useless to attempt to
alter it.]
Smr,-The youngmunn as wents'the:empty harf of my back kitchen
as come home in a awful state. Poor dear as been down to theraces,
and-was locked up all-night for riding in a train without anymoney.
He says it was only a slow train; 'but, I says it serves; him right, for,
while you is a riding for nothing, says I, you had better go eggspress,
to say nothing of first class. I'm sure they wouldn't a-thought of
touching him if he had come thepgrand like he has done down hear for'
the last three weeks, for since -you.pat his first conterbution'in he has
done nothing but talk about the dignity of the press, and he has
quite given ..:P.- Pan mangle, as -used- to be turned by him, the
sack. And she has been all down the court saying, she saw him
brought home -by two perlice. Sir, I would not have troubled you
with this pistol, as we used to call letters when I was a young girl,
but he begged me to send.you this piece of inflamationwhich he has,
put down on the other side of the paper, and I thought you might as
well have my story as is. BETrx CQuAORcKEn.


DEAR FUN,-Well, you see, I went to Newmarket, and had an
awfully jolly time of it. I had a few thou on Sabinus, but with my
facilities for obtaining information, I soon found he was a bit queer,
and hedged my money. I have been in very good company, and came
up to town with a jolly lot. We went -to a regular swell establish-
ment, and kept it up till the morning, and while there I got a lot of
tips for the Guineas and Chester Cup. In fact, I got so many that I
think all the runners are down in my list; but, never mind, I willback
myself to select the worst horse against anyone. Having carefully
studied the names, with their pronunciations and historic assgooations,
I have arrived at the conclusion that it would be base ingratitude for
me to desert my old friend SABqnUS, who will not be far from the
front in the .,Rodaye struggle, while Glenfalloch and Bonny Swell
are sure to make some of the favourites feel very small when the
.race is over.
Taere! isn't that like a proper tip, style and all P While-the spirit
-has possession of me I will go on. For the Two Thousand Guineas
'Islme. great faith in PRINCE or WA s; Stanle3 Macgregor being
-ext Jin my fancy. I am just goingtto dregs for dinner, sothis is all
at moaat from yours truly, ATOsruPU.
3Ir I will send you my address next weoek, but at present am
ather dissatisfied with the waiters at the hotel whA e I reside, and
cannot iorite you-till I move.


GLEAMS OCF WHITE.
ARE those the sailesoa galley
That evermore one sees,
Adown the bosey valley,
Among embowering trees ?
Or are they swesas:that hover
Above omea lake's still, rest,
Seeanse-thay can.discover
Their image on its breast P
Or are they lambkins snqwy
That sport beside their dams?
(Which means, in language showy,
The mothers of the lambs.)
Or are they orchards blooming
With silvery wealth of flowers,
And promised fruit, presuming
They 'scapefrost's cruel powers.
Or are they-where's my eyeglass P
I have it! They are-bosh!
They are-reveals my spy-glass-
That everlasting wash!




[We cannot return unacceptedd MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
fresponsiblefor loss.1
A READEn.-Who wishes us.to put a mild joke of ancient origin in our
11 paperr" is assured that, having no baby on the premises, we do not. keep
the utensil in question.
W. S. (Dundee).-Have-a sounder foundation for an action than a JoLLY
in future.
PHANTOM has not the ghost of a chance.
SPERFECT CUBa.-Could you be made a Perfect Cure, unless you
were stamped-out ?"
Euir.-We fail in seeing.
W. H. (Old Ford).-The "idia is not of any use to us. is, in.short,
too idia-otio.
A WouLD -Bw BARD.-Your Pegasus must have been a troop-horse, he
is sat prone to halt.
F. Baker- street).-As poet'in the obscurityof provincial papers, never
in any publication. in London.
W. C. (Kingsland).-Your lines are not in our-line.
W. R. C. (Manchester).-Come, come,-it is too bad not to.suffer inch
very aged jokes to die in peace.
MoD (Dublin).-How oa .awe sy,whep we haven't seen them
I AXIousFENQUIRER.-YouewilAsee.
Declined with thanks :-K. M. ., Glasgow; Ignoramus; B.; One of
the Period; Z.J. P.; H. -F. )A,u Old Broad-street ;'B.S. MNotting-bill;
Toodies ; J. M., Newcastle-on-Tyne; J. T Coventry; W. 0., Manchester;
X92;A. D., Paris;. Meltopian; J. T. S., Frankfort F. H.; D. D.;
W. J., Brighton; E. C;.W.; Trot; Alpha, Bayswater; ,F.. j,, Glasgow;
Corrigan; H. C. T., Southampton; W. ;,F. L., Kingsland; T., Liver-
eool; Nem. Con.; T. J. C.; M. M., Leeds; J. 'J,,'Manchester; A Cuss;
.l A., Dalston; S., Birmingham; Curious; X. Y. Z.; As Above; Ele-
mentary; Suga;,F. R..4.; Mystpc; T. B.; J. J. J.; S. C., Liverpool.








84 FUN [APRII 30, 1870.


"A WAS AN ARCHER."
SCENE :-Miss Tollaby's Where a select number of young ladies are trained in those principles," Se.
.lice (log.) :-" CAN'T HIT THE TARGET ? AS, You SHOULD DO AS I DO RNOY THE RED" IS OLD DOLLABY'S NOSB!H'


We have Mealy to Remark.
A comNTexoRAnY gives the following paragraph:-
At Greenock last week a woman who had only been a widow for 14 weeks, was
pelted with peasemeal as she was going to be married.
We cannot but consider that piece-meal was not properly applied to
a lady who so promptly replaced the half she had lost.

Trop de Zele.
ON Greenwich Pier may be seen the following notice--" Caution-
do not sit on the chains." Surely no sane person could think of com-
mitting such a maniacal -or perhaps we should say-Quartermaine-
iacal action.
Adding Insult to Injury.
Oua butcher excuses himself for having sent home a loin of lamb
minus the kidney, on the ground that the custom had fallen into
de-sue-ude.
The Puff Politic.
THE insurrection in Cuba is likely to end in smoke, thanks to the
interposition of the local cigars.


An Un-Question-able Good.
Wrrn a view to save the time of the House, arrangements are in
progress in the refreshment departments for satisfying hon. members,
who "thirst "-for information.

Superabundant.
A setooLBOY, on learning that a bonne bouthe is a French delicacy,
declared his desire to have a bun-bush in his father's garden-and
wouldn't he go in for the fruit.

Oh I!
WHY is this sixpence identical with that man ? Because a tizzy.
Don't you see it ? Because, we repeat, it is he!

A BILL-STICKER.-A file.
A PANE or GLAss.-A headache,Atoo.often.
SHOULD M.P.s BE PAID ?-Yes! 'Many of them-to keep their
mouths closed.
THs WORST STRATw IN THE POULTRY YARD.-That Of the
patriarchal Cochin China cock at daybreak.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having'lad numerous applications from their Customers and the Publia generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furnittre, they have compiled with considerable care and supervinasion, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the furnishing of SEVEN, TEN. and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES kin preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the tot I cost of Furnishing the
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, 8.E.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoeatx Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80 Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: April 30, 1870.







MAY 7, 1870.] FUN. 85


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 165.
WEa owe him each year as the season comes round k-
Amusement that's pleasant, and always I found
The pieces presented are far more complete A
Than is usual, therefore an annual treat
I venture to call these, and always pop in
To see them as soon as they chance to begin. c
1. A noise of stroke repeated of something broad or
loose,
Not pleasant to the ear I own, not often any use,
Reminding you in aimlessness of actions of a goose.
2. Do you think the summer-time,
That inspires the poet's rhyme,
Would be fairer could it boast of equal nights and days?
Have you ever crost the line?
For 'tis there you would divine
The meaning of this word, and the question that I raise.
3. Near Nineveh an ancient city lay,
The Greeks past by it when they slow retreated.
Ten thousand men on each eventful day
Were gathered till "The Sea they loud repeated.
4. A clumsy man whose awkward hand
Could do nought well, you understand,
Might boast of this ; 'tis sad to see
Such strange want of dexterity.
5. It is said in the mystical morning'
Of Greece three great brothers arose,
This was one: all traditions now scorning,
Their origin nobody knows.
SOLUTION or ACRosTIC No. 163. -Rturn spring:
Relics, Escallop, Tiger, Ubii, Ratten, Nestling.
SOLUTIONS OF AcRosTIC No. 163, RECEIVED APRIL 26th.-None
correct. i e e
Honor est a Nilo.
Massns. MAcNIVEN AND CAMSRON, of Edinburgh, not -
satisfied with the success of the Waverley," "Pick- o
wick," and "Owl" pens, have brought out another
novelty, "the Nile Pen." We have tried it, anditruns THE CRY IS STILL "THEY COME I"
so smoothly that we are forced to the conclusion that SCENE: -Oentist's f yaing- oom.
it has been christened the Nile pen because it writes
as if it had been dipt in (N)ile. NEW MEN, AND OLD ACHERS.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. evidence that the indisposition, from which we are gld to learn that he
is recovering, has not impaired his powers. As the curtain fell the
ON Saturday, the 23rd ultimo, the long-promised new comedy by loud calls for the author, to which, however, he was unable to respond,
Mn. ROBERTSON was produced at the Prince of Wales's. Its name is were gratifying proofs of his unabated popularity. The comedy is
brief, as usual-we suppose the smart writers, who described Society as certain of a long run, but those who would keep pace with the day
a monosyllabic title, will apply the same epithet to M.P. MnR.- should lose no time in making the acquaintance of Cecilia Dunscombe.
ROBERTSON'S plots are seldom intricate, ana this one is more than
ordinarily slender, consisting of a lovers' quarrel arising out of the
misapplication of a sum of money during an election contest. But on A Handy Notion.
this slight thread Mn. ROBERTSON has hung some good sketches of TALK about "spirit hands," if we are to believe the relater of an
character, much smart dialogue, and several of those pretty love- anecdote about ScoTT, which is just going the rounds, the Great Un-
passages for which he is famous. With such materials to work upon known was a regular "hand" and quite at HoME in the mediumistic
the Prince of Wales's company, one of the best, if not the best, in business:
London, could not but achieve a success. Each member of the com- A party of young men, while sitting in a house in George-street on a summer
pany deserves special mention. Mn. HARE Of COurse was admirable in evening, had their attention drawn to a window, where a solitary hand appeared,
his impersonation of the ruined but plucky Dunscombe Dunscombe; working without stay or weariness at a desk, and tossing down page after page of
Ma. BANCROFTr, as Talbot Piers, proved he could do better things than MS. upon a rising heap is the same overy night," sid young M enzies; "I
haw-haw swells; and Mn. COGELAN quite supplies theplace of Mn. can't stand the sight of It when I am not at my books. Still it goes on unwearied,
haw-haw wells; and M. COGHL quite supplies the place of M and so it will till candles are brought in, and nobody knows how long after that."
MONTAOUE in the part of Chudleigh Dunscombe. The Isaac Skoome It was Walter Scott's hand writing the last two volumes of" Waverley," seen as he
of Ma. AnDDISON is clever, though his dialect is vague; and MEssRS. sat in a back room in No. s0, North Castle-street, long his Edinburgh residence.
COLLETTE, GLOVER, and MONTeOMERY throw great humour into the Some eight years after its commencement, it was found among old lumber in an at -
three bribing committee-men-which might be studie4 from life at tic, and completed for the press in a few weeks, in 1814.
Bridgwater or Beverley. Miss ADDISmON made a charming Ruth Dey- Imagine SIR WALTER SCOTT's hand-by which we don't mean his writ-
brooke; but the exquisite acting of Miss WILTON as Cecilia Duns- inlg- being discovered in an attic What would not some of the
combed was undoubtedly the gem of the performance. Seldom have we novelists of the day give to get hold of it.-Stop a moment! the
seen this cleverest of our actresses to such advantage. relater cannot mean the 'last "'it" to apply to hverlly ?-if go he
The scenery is effective, the lawn at Mr. Dunscombe's, with the river writes English somewhat haly.
running through it, being very picturesque. The performance was a
practical answer to the recent complaint against first-night critiques. Wheel, wO I
By thoroughly conscientious rehearsal the piece has been brought into THE velocipedestrians are not to have it all their own way:-
such smooth working that in no one instance was there a hitch of the At the Westminster police-court, a youth has been convicted and fined 5s. for
kind hinted at in such expressions as "no doubt after a few per- riding a velocipede recklessly and furiously through the public streets, to the
fo mances the delays inseparable from a first night," &c., &c. common danger." This is said to have been the first conviction for an offencewhich,
MR. ROBERTSON may be fairly congratulated on another success at in all parts of the metropolis, has now become extensively prevalent.
the little theatre where he won his spurs. Though scarcely equal to It is time that reckless riders learnt that their, own peculiar bicycles
Caste and Society, the new comedy is better than School, and gives are not to interfere with the common wheel.

VOL. I. I









FUTN.


[MAY 7, 1870.


.FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, -May 4th, 1870.
A M )EID the general crash of the instruments performed on by the
i Ministry, the "little kit of fancies," with which the leader of
,)O the Opposition hopes to create a novel sensation, is in some risk
of passing unheard. We can imagine him, like Hogarth's
Enraged Musician, flinging up his window and expostulating. He may
exclaim with the daughter of Shylock-
I am never merry when I hear sweet music !
Will not Mu. GLADSTowN, as a brother author, suspend the witching
strains of the Erin Waltz, while the rival composer runs through his
modest air-or Lqthair ? The House of Commons adjourns for a day
out of consideration for the Derby;-why not for Dizzy, too? It is
hard that a gentleman who is debarred from playing first fiddle in the
House should be prevented from a modest solo on the violin. The
Liberal party has shown by its action this session such a thorough
appreciation of harmony that we feel sure we do not appeal in vain
for -a little silence, while Ms. DISRAELI-who as a leader in certain con-
certed pieces at St. Stephen's, for some time abandoned composition-
favours the company with a new tune.

WE are glad to announce the annual dinner of that most excellent
institution the Newspaper Press Fund, which takes place on the
fourteenth of next month. Mm. W. H. SIRTH, M.P., will be in- the
chair, and a fitter president for such a meeting could not be found. In
the long list of stewards are many distinguished names, and those who
take tickets (and it must be done soon) will not repent of it, for the
speeches promise to be most interesting.

A Bald Statement.
TOMKINs, of the Reform, was reading this from the Sporting News to
JENKINS of the same club the other day:-
The ballot has vindicated itself, and has proved that, no matter how great the
influence brought to bear upon voters, the secret system gives them an opportunity
of expressing their real opinions. Lately-very lately-a gentleman" was Pro-
posed and seconded, as a member, for a great political club, his chief qualifications
being his connection with a daily paper and the prominent position in the ministry
of his nominator. But the man himself was for many reasons obnoxious, and when
the return was made, the astonishing fact disclosed itself that no less a disclaimer
than fifty blackballs had been entered against the pretensions of a person who had
sought to ally himself with gentlemen.
" That party would tear his hair some, I should think," said JzENKxir
" No !" replied TomxnNs, A man so complete balled would have none
to tear;- he'd be forehead all over his head."

Wanted.
Tits looks tempting at first sight :-
A young lady in Philadelphia advertises that she will give 30,000 dollars to any
re pectable young man who will marry her.
But, by the wisdom teeth of Mammon, what sort of girl can it be who
is unable to secure a husband with her 30,000 dollars, without having
to throw in a dollar or so more of inducement in the shape of adver-
tising ? Besides if any respectable" young man were so very weak
as to be taken-in by her, everybody would at once cease to respect him
-and then, where would she be ? On the whole, she had better send us
a draft for the amount, we can answer for its being bestowed on a
worthy object. Look at us !

A Singing Prati.*
(Dedicated to HuxwIn, DARLET AND Co.)
WE have frequently heard that the Irish are a musical nation, but
we never thought that we should find two such unmistakably Milesian
names in the list of artists at an Italian Opera House as those of
MuDLa MADIGAN and MDLLB. PRATI. The latter lady is announced
as one of I Tre Gini in II Flauto .fagico, to prove, we presume, that an
Irish woman, as well as the traditional Irishman can be a h-i-tre-geni-
ous compound. The enthusiast who thought that the opera named
above was written by an Irishman because one of the characters was
Monos-tatos must be amply gratified now that another r6le is filled by
a PnATI.
A LxNE to follow with a view to Matrimony:-The "Plum" Line.
Prati pronounced Hibernie& Prayty.-En.


86


TWO PARTIES.

No. 1.-THE SUCCESSFUL PARTY.
OH, yes, I enjoyed it immensely,
I had a sweet muslin to wear,
And though it was crowded most densely,
I didn't get one single tear.
For waltzing I kept the good dancers,
With plenty of rattle and go ;
Reserving quadrilles and the lancers
For those who were muffish and slow.
I tried all the best in succession,
Until I had fixed upon him,
Whose whiskers and speaking expression
Defied the most critical whim.
In most of the rest of the dances,
In every enrapturing whirl,
With whispers and tenderest glances
He made me the happiest girl.
When tired of the dancing we rested
In corners, or sat on the stairs,
To flirt and get cool, unmolested
By watchful duennas or meree.
The poets from ByRnON to TuPPrE,
The latest new novel and play,
We discussed, and the jolliest supper,
Forgetting the following day I
I wished we could go on for ever
(Not eating but dancing, I mean),
But the dearest of friends have to sever,
And joys become things that have been.
He helped me to wrap againstt the weather,
Just under a great bough of mis,
Our faces were brought close together,
And-well, he did give me one kiss.

No. 2.-THE UNSUCCESSFUL PARTY.
'TwAs the stupidest dance of the season,
I didn't enjoy it one bit,
And I'm sure I had quite enough reason,
Not one of my things was a fit.
I'd ordered, of course, some new dresses,
White silk and a pink grenadine;
And two of the loveliest tresses
That ever at party were seen.
Well, when they came home-the last minute-
The silk was so dreadfully tight
That I couldn't have borne myself in it;
The pink was a hideous fright.
The love-locks I'd bought, to adorn in,
And thought such a wonderful catch,
By gaslight I looked most forlorn in,
They proved such a shocking bad match.
My dressing was done in a hurry,
I wished I was going to bed,
For I knew that the skirmish and worry
Would make my nose horribly red.
When we got there 'twas nearly half over,
Too late to get into the fun,
For nobody seemed to discover
That they after me ought to run!
I was ready to cry with vexation,
The partners I danced with, I vow,
Had no more idea of flirtation
Than one might expect from a cow!
No nice supper helped to mend matters,
For nobody brought me champagne;
I came away tired and in tatters,
I'll never go near them again!

Woman's Logic.
WE learn from a contemporary that-
Under the title The Vezed Question and how to solve it," Miss Faithful has
during the last fortnight delivered a lecture at the leading literary institutes be-
tween Exeter and Penzance on the present needs and claims of women.
Our sympathies are entirely with the Question. We don't in the
least wonder at its being vexed," whcn EO much nonsense is talked
about it.







F' UJ N .-MAY 7, 1870.


THE RIVAL STRAINS.
Mr. L*s,**li:-""I SAY! IF YOU FELLOWS MAKE SUCH A ROW WITH THAT IRISH AIR MY MORO'EAU "LOTHAIR" WON'T BE HEARD AT ALL!"


momm







MAY 7, 1870.] FUUN. 91

PEGASUS POUNDED.

~ EGASUS-so poets say- So when HonDGE would show his pac s,
Happened once on earth to stray. P.OASPS kicked o'er the traces.
Him a sapient pinder found- HODOE, with execrations bitter,
Clapped him in the village pound. Muttered, "Dang the stubborn critter !"
S Phobhus with mankind consorting PEGASUS, who chanced to spy
Chanced fair Daphne to be courting, PHoSms mounting up the sky,
Heeded not, on love intent, 'Gan to paw the hateful ground,
Where his steed a-wandering went. Longing into air to bound.
So the pinder, when it seemed HODGE who saw how high he trod,
That it would not be redeemed, Thought he wanted to be shod-
Being not o'erblest with senses, Took him to the blacksmith, who
Sold it to defray expenses. Fell to forging him a shoe.
Farmer HODGE, the first to bid, When to fit it he drew near
Beat the price down-yes, he did- PEGASUS began to rear-
Just because the horse had wings- Spurned the earth with fiery hoof-
"Dang the inconvenient things! Rose-and vanished far aloof !
Finding HODGE no more would proffer MonAL.
In advance of his first offered, it He vowed when asked by day's bright
"Done!" the pindsr eried, and of it god
Ai Made a very decent profit. His objection to be shod,-
S HODnGE then led his purchase home- On honour of a Ilouyhnhnm,
Set it drawing loads of loam. No shoes were Good-enough for him.
.' To such dirty work unused,
'/ i Jibbing, PEGASUS refused! ai tg Point.
HODGE observing him thus shirk, HOMESPUN and corduroy havo con-
Thought "too hard, perhaps, the tribute their fair share to the indus-
work! tries of the ago. Casse'l's Household
In the gig suppose we try him. Guide contains an excellent idea, How
SWhat a fool I was to buy him!" to make point lace work."
In the gig as in the cart
PEGASUS refused to start; ;1AD To DEAT
He had ne'er been beast of draught, THE Cleverest Fellows out: -Gold-
And his sleek hide scorned the shaft. beaters.


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS. give tipping up. Raising up his voice he made Sabinus his choice,
SaR,-If I were to say that I feel annoyed with you, the word with Glenfalloch for the second; and he considered that for third
would be but a mokery of the Storm which animates my bosom when Bonny Swell would be spurred; and in this way his prophecy was
would be but a mockery of the storm which animates m bosom w reckoned. But an inspiration deep seized him in his sleep, and before
I think of the perfidious manner in which you published MRs. the race his tip he altered; and when his original selection came oftil
CRALE's letter. Therefore I shall say nothing whatever on the without defection, this person i faltered.
subject beyond reminding you that to expose the private matters of right without defection, this person w ruined 'cause h faltered.
the gentlemen who contribute to your columns is, in the words of a For the ladies' race, on Thursday, of course FRVOLI'rY will be the
near neighbour of mine-for despite the machinations of a broker's chief attraction, but Mahonia will I think run well.
man, and a slightly intoxicated washerwoman, I have moved-Mu. a
CALOEAFTr-mean, mean, mean.
The principal topic of conversation in sporting circles lately has The good is oft interred with their bones."
been the disgraceful torturing of a doctor, which took place on the HER are some nice scamps:-
Liverpool racecourse some little while ago. Doctors seem very un-
fortunate upon the turf, for it was only the other day that one was The Peabody tomb in the United Stitcs has becn entered by bu-glars, whosi
oonae and now another, r htas been ripped up. It is all very object was to plunder the silver plates and handles from the casket which had been
sent to prison, and now another has been ripped up. It is all very deposited in the tomb. They effected their object, but they were speedily appire-
well for people to say that ripped up dosen't mean anything among hcnded, and the plunder has been recovered.
sporting men, but I think that if I am to judge,-and I know some- No doubt the poor fellows were labouring under a delusion, and
thing about it-sporting men, though a little bit tough, have their thought they ought to be enriched at the expense of the departed
feelings as well as other animals; and speaking as an expert on the philanthropist, as being members of the industrious poor." If we
subject, I know that yours truly would very much object to be served had them on the mill at Clerkenwell we should soon compel them to
in that manner. I expect the poor gentleman got in the way, and re- "take steps "-the proper steps, too-to ascertain the difference.
membering how I was served once under the same circumstances, my
feelings are of a sympathising character. Though thoroughly imbued
with a love of sporting, I must take advantage of my prominent posi-
tion to express an opinion that unoffending spectators, medical or Noise or Music.
otherwise, must no longer be ridden over with impunity; and should THE Musical Standard has not quite seen the point here:-
such another case occur I shall be withering in my denunciations of It is never too early to follow a bad example 1 Correspondents now tell us of
the wrongdoer; and am taking lessons in chaff to be ready for the popgun-rum-bells-cum-anvil accompaniments introducing themselves as a means
emergency. of attraction in country concerts.
With regard to the Chester Cup, I am informed that the Glenfalloch Sensible people like music; fools like noise. Fools are in the majority,
and Bonny Swell interests are likely to become united, and that the and will approve of popgun-cum-bells-cum-anvil clamour, without any
better horse of the two only will "go." If such be the case, I shall example, out of sheer cussedness." Because you see ten donkeys and
select Formosa to supply the defection, and am, in the meantime, twenty geese on a common, you don't conclude that nine of the first
your wronged but forgiving contributor, AUoGSPUR. and nineteen of the second followed the example of the odd one. They
P.S.-The upholsterers are busy with the carpets and curtains of were led thither by their common folly.
my new residence, so I must again defer the pleasure of a visit from
2nd P.S.-I was going to alter my selection for the Chester Cup, Braw Clothes.
but I had a vision last night which warned me in the following PE PPLE, King of Bonny, is in England. Should he be presented he
solemn manner:-Then up and spoke the prophetic bloke about the will be better clad than savage monarchs are generally supposed to be,
Chester Cup; and said he if I can't the winner spy I shall have to for his poet laureate is OCL E.







92 FUN. [MAY 7, 1870.


WALKING IN THE ZOO.
CoME let us roam the Gardens through,
And all its many wonders view:
And truly they are not a few.
Behold the bounding kangaroo,
Whose tail supplies a soup like glue;
The lion and the tiger too,
Who'd gladly eat up me and you;
The jackal, fox, and howling iu-
Pus, who doth travellers pursue
(You will recall the lady, who
Out of the sledge her babies threw
To pacify the savage crew);
The bears, both black and white of hue;
The 'coon who-if the bards tell true-
Once pulled the possum's flowing queue;
The honey-bear, or kinkajou;
The mole, the rat, the mouse, the shrew;
The porcupine, and the agou-
Ti, and the mild-eyed, humped zebu,
The yak, the musk-ox and the gnu;
The springbok, eland, and koodoo;
The camel, that can thistles chew;
The llama from remote Peru;
The elephant, the tajagu:
And the rhinoceros or u-
Nicorn-so called because it grew
A horn (some species'growing two)
Upon a snout, like that of Jew:
The owls that cry tu-whit tu-woo;
The swift, the martin, and cuckoo;
The kite, and jay with plumage blue;
The mocking-bird, the thrush, the ou-
Sel, parakeet, and cockatoo ;
The wryneck and the turtle doo'
(So called up North, where "cow is "coo ");
The ostrich, apteryx, emu;
The bustard, heron, and curlew;
The crane, the bittern, and the spoo-
Nbill, swan, flamingo, duck, and goo-


Se, the grebe, teal, puffin, auk (or boo-
By) and all other birds that flew,
Or swam, or walked, or sang, or crew!
So here I've catalogued a few
Of all the wonders now on view,
In Regent's Park, N.W.-
So let's go walking in the Zoo.


A Chance for "the Great Unwashed."
MOST people nowadays have become converts to cold water, and the
matutinal tub is happily as much a British institution as the Habeas
Corpus Act and Trial by Jury. And yet there are benighted beings
who are still outside the magic circle of the tub, who linger in the
outer darkness of dirt and uncleanness, and who seem to believe in that
unsavoury motto popular in the North, The clartier the cosier."
FUN having ever been an advocate for cold water is glad, therefore, to
hail any additions to what may be termed our national washing
apparatus, and has a word of welcome for the Crystal Palace Baths
Company, which is going to erect swimming baths at the Palace, so
that the visitors during a hot day's sight-seeing may cool themselves
by judicious natation. The company is limited, but we trust that the
ablutions will be unlimited, and that henceforward when the railway
disgorges multitudes of visitors who have been down to Sydenham,
they may be easily recognisable by their clean and healthy appearance,
and that a bath at the Palace may become one of the recognized
institutions of the place.

Serve him Right.
This is pleasant reading:-
A young man named Ralph Hudson has been summoned before the Sunderland
magistrates for throwing orange peel on the footpath in Bibshopwearmouth. The
bench, considering the danger of this practice, inflicted a penalty of 5s., and 6s. 6d.
costs, which was paid.
Surely our London magistrates will wake-up at last, and follow this
excellent example. Every fellow who so disposed of a peel should be
disposed of without appeal, summarily. He should be punished not
only for his own misdeeds but for the slips of others.







MAY 7, 1870.]


THADY DELANY ON THINGS IN PARTICULAR.
171, Little Pulteney Street, Soho. W.
EAR SIR,-I was goin' to rite to yer honer two or three times
' to tell ye why I didn't sind ye anny letters fur the last month
or two, but MICK O'BRIEN says, Yerra, thin ye poor omad-
haun 'tis plazed the gintlemin'll be if ye don't bother 'im anny-
more wid your foolish meanderins. Bat no matthur what he see, I
don't think it dasint not to rite to ye to tell av my misfortunes par-
ticklary as I'm in trouble. Well, thin, 'twas Good Friday morning' an'
I was goin' to Mass wid Micn, whin wan av them postmin giv a pelt
at the doore that wus enuf to fryten a Banshee. Begor 'tis just like
sojurs they're drest, an there's poor PAT CASE, ,our owl postman at
home, begor he's wearing the same frieze coat now that he did whin
0 CONNELL wint into Limerick wid the carriage and six without paying'
juty, although wan av the horses was a mule, and that's what he
cawled driving' a coach and four through an Act:av Parlimint.
Micx O'BmE'cjpens the door anin walks the play-acthur wid end
av red and yellow*on the collar ar his coat to make a poor skolar av
the sign-boord:over PAT MAicN-aARnA's public-house. Does a man be
the name av TmanDT,'Dniwt live here? ses he. Is there, THADY ? ses
MTcK, turning' round to me wid a smile in his eye ,that ud make the
fortune av an informau. There's a letthur for ye, sea he, from Ireland
and ye'll hav to pay opene. I had no more noshun av who'twas
from than a blackbird av subtraction till I opens it, sand there wui
Ballymurphy rite an the tape it as big as the lettiurs imdhur picture
the Bull in the mea-a-ma-dasy-.*
'Twas BIDnmy herself that yoosed to rite as genteel as :a payecok
before we wor muatrid, but from washin' the pyaties ;an mendin'
PATSY'S fbreedhia, and MoaL's 'yettykotes, her poor fingers :are .as ,ahiff
as the cravat aw the parmen's coachman. Couplin that, 'tws :an
iligant establishment we :all grt our educashun in whin I was.a gar.
soon. Be the powers 'tis moan av yer nashunal skools we .had in thim
times, wid tleir mew fangled sates an tables that the masftmr's miss ,
mightn't be zmaid to sit fon wid all her Sunday flouncis.
Begor, 'twi ourselves that ha to make the sates, for every mother's
sowl av ius bad to bring three ior four sads av turf to make our own
arm chairs. If ye brought four, ses the masthur, PAT OALLAHAN,"
or whatever the gorsoonsmamae-was,'" construkt an regular paralela-
gram mn meaconcile yerself to the 'position." Begor, he spoke as big
as if his ifaiher owned the barony; and if ye brought only three, he
shouts out as if he wus a sergint drilling' the police to ketch the Fan-
yans, TrADY DELANY, make a base av two av yere sads and clap the
sate av yere breechis on the jee-ometrikal a-pex." But they may talk
as they like, the Irish hedge skoolmasthur, as they called him, turned
out skolurs that ud give the shivurs to sum av thim skilogues thbt go
to what they cawl the colleges. But I was forgettin' BIDDY's letthur.
Here it is:-
BALLYMNURPHY.
DEAR TRADY,-I hope this'll find you, as it laves me at present wid
the agint standing' in the middle.av the floor, swain' like SHANAHAN
the piper, that he'll blow the roof off av the cabin if the rint
isn't paid before Munday morning 'Pon me sowl, I think I'd rather
see the divil's short.horns than the frunt av that aheone 's waistcoat.
The widow M'ConsicK had twins the uther day, as fine a brace of
gorseons as our own nd be if I had another whin PATSY was born-
but I suppoas 'twas the cowld weather. I can't make out what the
divil you want, staying' evr in Lundun so long; 'tis meself that's
thinking' 'tis too grand yere getting' an c6lloguin wid sum av MIeo
O'BnIEN'S sistburs -that wares bonnets-and tisn't much right they
have be the same token fur I don't forget whin they wor glad to work
fur JIM FIT ZGERALD'S father, an noan at thare .nbles wid as amuh
shoes to thare fut as MoLL FxLAHUTY's drake.
Begor, if I ketch howld av whoever is keapin' ye, 'tis a soareemow,
I'll be afthur making' av her bustle and ribbuns. I'm disappointed wid
the pig, he goes trespassin' an bekums invisible on the road, an.I'mn
fined a shilim' and .a ha'penny iviry week for his gplavantin', an .I'd
take me davy that lie 'took his jath not to get anny fat on his misfor-
tunate bones. Arrah, thin, Me. THADY, 'tis play acting' in Lundun
yere afthur, but all the fish in the Shannon'll be red-herrin's if I'm
not in Lundun before the week is out. An be all the goats in Kerry,
as ye used to say yerself, if I find out that any av the faymales is
putting' the come-hether on ye, an I know ye blagard you wor always
fond av a pettykote-there isn't a girl in the parish that'll kick up a
bigger shindy than- BDnnY DELANY.
An thin she .Taoe anuthur in her own tould fist that ud be big enuff
fur a notice to quit, an she ses in the course av the korrispondince-
'tis meself that likes the jawbrakers-I couldn't get any wan to rite
.for me till PEG DoxHETY's son come home frum Maynooth to be
priested, an, says, he, 'tis he that's ritin' this to you. "I want ye to
keep it for I don't think he's sayin' all I wanted to say, and the way
As I thought ye might be showing' this to sum av yer Sassenach ackwantanois
I axed the skoolmasthur to eksplane the manin. He sea, "There's a picture
in the Primer, called the Reading-made-Easy, representing an In-h Bull."


FUN. 93


I wanted to say it, fur I see him smiling' at me wanso or twice, as if
I was an omadhawn entirely. Arrah, thin, ye shud see 'im wid a
shoot av black, that's shiny enuf to shave herself in. Shure 'tis well
I rimimber whin he had about as mutch noshun av broadcloth as he
has av pickin' his pipe with his elbow."
Well, to make a long story short, BIDDY kum ovur to Lundun, an
whin she was tellin me about the steamer, she sea, "Oh, Lord, ye shud
hear the pigs squeelin'." "Oh, meala-murther," says I, "did you
hear that indasint divarthur that I tould ye would split the front av
Trinity Collige-ah, thin, how I wish I could get him near the agint's
ear-I'd bet yerself and the childhur that he'd drive him mad in a
week. rd know 'im in a rasher of bacon," ses I. "Begor," ses she,
"I'd find out his nose in the middle av a black drisheen." If
twnd make awl me relashuns as rich as parsons," said she, "I wudn't
travel ovur hern if, I thought av what I wus goin' to suffer. Whin I
got ovur-eh, thin swate Ballymurphy I wish I was at home agin
-afella incorderoys kums up to me an, see he, What class? What
class, see I, don't ye think I'm big enuf to give up going to a skool, ses
I; I wants the train. Where's yere ticket ? ses he, In me pockit,
sea I, an it has as much chance ov getting out ov it till I get to 17J,
Little Bulteney.street, Soho, W., London, see I, as ye hav av having
mannurs an dasincy towards an 'onist womun av my time av life wid
wan av the finet boys in the county, and a girl that ud be fit to marry
wan av the sons av the QUEEN if she wasn't a Prodestant. Before I
had time to look out fur a peeler, the divil take me if he didn't take a
bit out of my ticket for awl the warld like the ace av spades."
Och, when I kum to Ingland I thought I'd be contint-
An I'm as far as evur now from makin-up the rint.
Yours most obadyently,
THADY Dw Ar.
1"N HO IE THEY BROU GHT HER WARR IOR DEA.."
A CROQUET V3SIMO.
HO.tE she brought the gallant Red
Croqu6d, Roqu6d, like albrick,
All opponents watching said,
She will surely hit the Atidk."
Roel'd the Yellow from its place,
O'er the lawn the Blue was gone,
Flush of triumph swept her face,
Still the Red went "roving on.
She'd have roved, we'll say for years,
But she hit ,the stick, ah! me!
Still she murmured through her tears,
Croquet, I could live for thee !"



[We cannot returin-unacoaepted M S. or Skeloltes, wilas ltey aro accom-
panied by a stamped and disotfed -envelope,; andi we do ,ot hold ourselves
responsible for loss.a
W. A. G.-Such a ponderous wag, that you would certainly wag the
dog, according to the Dundreary philosophy,
B. L.-Your lines to "Water Cresses are hardlyworthy of the subject,
which sells at a penny a bunch anyhow.
CHANTICLEER.-Yours is a very ropy crow. 'There is less chance of your
getting people to wreathee your brow" than to wring your neck at this
rate.
JULIETTA.-Well, persevere if you like. The present poem' is on an
ill-selected subject. The rhymes are not gpoo, and the metre is faulty I-
But that's all.
BARNEY SEm.-Good boy! We wish all corresponden's-woro as sensible.
We are sorry to say your "1ills" won't go.down.
WULCAN.-As lame an affair as your.Lanuan tumble.
PROPELLER.--You will have sean the sad answer to your question by
this time.
J. M.-In spite of your attempts to make a joke about the halter, you
would be sorry to succeed in getting into that line.
R. H. V.- Of no use to us, thaiks.
W. C. (Westbourne-park).-The remark proves that the young ladies
had been reading the back volumes of FUN.
L. R. B.-Very near being capital. But rather too late.
A FUiL MAN."-We've no room for you.
Declined withhanks;-J. E. S., Leyton; E. S., Newbury; F. F. E.;
M. P. C ; F. P., Falmouth; Artichoke; B. P. and 'Co.; -L. M. W. Salie-
bury; IM. IH., Kingsland; H. C, Nottingham; W. P. C., frand;
J.H. N., Tunbridge Wells- Cookie; Bonaceon; Touchstone; F. S.,
Liverpool; J. B., Glasgow; Fl`bilis; EB.; A Cuss T. M.; Ht. B.W.,
Clapham-road; The Cure; F. M. P., Dalaton:; W. Leads; Spirit of the
Age; Precocious Chatterbox; High, Lowe, etc.; T. T.; Tip; R. J. B..;
Death or Victory; Factotum; L. J., Liverpool; F. W. L.; B. B. R.;
Been-usher Boy; N. P. F.; Cecil; S. H. B.; Theoretical; J. G. L.,
Glasgow.







FUN.


[MAY 7, 1870.


MEAN TIME.
.orter (loudly):-"Hi! BanL! WHAT TIME DOES THE PARLYMENTRY TO TOWN ARI'VE 'ERE-GENT WANTS TO KNOW!"
[ Very pleasant for that mean fellow BERTIE (who wanted to sneak up on the cheap) to have the query shouted out before all the party from the Castle.


A GIFT OF SPRING.
WELCOME, welcome, bounteous spring,
Whom dull winter can eclipse
Now no longer! Haste and bring
Gifts as red as Celia's lips-
Haste my banquet to embellish
With the radish's rare relish!
Red without and white within,
Crystal core and coral rind,
Firm of flesh and fine of skin,
Vegetables to my mind!
Better far than fruit more swellish
Is the radish's rare relish!
Ruby-rooted, crowned with green,
They could tempt me into crime-
Aye, for their sakes I would 'een
Guilty be of faulty rhyme,
Bidding bards, Scotch, English, Welish,
Sing the radish's rare relish.


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
MAY.
Tinsley's Magazine contains the opening of a new novel by MR.
BLACK, which begins with promise. An unusually long list of con-
tents includes some pleasant verse, and very readable prose.
Belgravia contains a capital roving essay On Shooting People
Down," by MR. SALA, and some more pleasantly-written verse by MR.
MEW, which is most indifferently illustrated. Miss BRADDON'S novel
reads well, and MR. ROBINSON'S seems drawing to a, close. Ma.
LIITCH'S cathedral interior is the best of the pictures. A rather care-
lessly written paper on the autobiography of a swell-mobsman, by
MR. THORNBURY, is interesting.
IN Temple Bar MR. GILBERT'S novel is the chief feature. The
"Idiot" is a curious translation from the Russian, by MS. RALSTON ;
and there is a somewhat slipshod ode to May-day. A very excellent
and rather smashing satire on the fast school of novels is the best
thing in the number, though it reads oddly in pages where Red as a
Rose has but so recently urged its wild career.
THo Argosy has a much better picture than usual. It is a good
number altogether. Johnny Ludlow is to the fore, and there is some
pleasant verse by Miss RHODES.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
OABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Public generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: May 7, 1870.


1 91


9







MAY 14, 1870.1


FU N.


TYPES OF THE THOROUGHFARES.
[ NO. 10.-WIGMORE-STREET.
WIGMORE-STREET is essentially a quiet, steady-going street in a
quarter not so much old-fashioned as old-fashionable. That is to say,
that it holds its own amid all the fluctuations that affect more modern
places, as a well-established rock takes no note of the ebb and flood
of tides. "Enterprise "-in that recent form which is not always to
be distinguished from "Bankruptcy "- is, we should say, unknown
within its precincts, where there is, it would seem, a steady belief that
a good article is the best article, and that a prosperous trade is one not
outwardly veneered, and inwardly rotten, but one solid throughout.
The streets and squares in its immediate neighbourhood are intensely
respectable and quiet, such streets as Welbeck-street beloved of the
medical profession, and Cavendish-square the genteelly sombre. As a
consequence, the types of this thoroughfare belong to the wealthy or
the well-born. Staid matrons, fair damsels, and haughty "bucks "
rather than swells," pervade its pavement. You will see samples of
them in our outline. The aged female on one side of the picture is
one of the pensioners so often met with in such quarters,-an old
nurse or retired housekeeper, who occasionally airs her genteel poverty
by a call on "the family," to see the young ladies, or to ask after
master and mistress. And the gentleman in the wide-awake ? Oh, a
distinguished naturalist, a great authority on pigeons and poultry,
author of many valuable books, and an apiarian whose spring-sides
the Times Bee-master is less worthy to polish than the red-coated lad
in our cut. What is our naturalist doing here ? Well, in Wigmore-
street resides MR. WARD, whose staffed animals are set up with such a
life-like action, that you would almost expect to hear those three
monstrous tigers yonder growl.
Of course you divine the inclinations and tastes of the gentleman
next to the man of science. Such a head means music, and music
only; one would guess he is a tenor-in fact, one might lay twenty
semibreves to a demi-semi-quaver that he is! He has been at the shop
over the way, where there is a constant tinkling ripple of music from
MR. BRINSmsAD's thousand and one pianos. An interesting place to
visit is that manufactory, where you learn for the first time how
many distant countries are laid under contribution for the formation
of a single instrument-Switzerland, and Germany, America in the
West, and Circassia in the East; while as to the amount of glue


consumed here in a twelvemonth, some conception of the number of
hoofs that pass along this route may be formed when one learns that
mi-my hundreds of pounds are laid out yearly on glue alone.
Glue rhymes with Jew. Well, what of that? Only that these
premises were once on a time a synagogue; and that rabbis have
read the Law where the present occupiers calculate the profits. As
the poet might beautifully remark-Where the children of Moses, with
aquiline noses, Once made broad the phylactery, In hoc Domini Anne
Stands BRINSMEAD'S piano Forte manufactory. Aye, and once on a
time, not a hundred yards from this spot," to use the vague language
of the liner, there was a shop, ostensibly that of a Court Milliner,
whose proprietress was married thence to a gentleman whom in a
cause celebre his relatives failed in proving to have gone out of his
senses-faute de quoi-because there were no premises to start from!
If you don't believe it, make a pilgrimage to Wigmore-street some
summer day, and you may see the milliner's name indelibly stamped
on a sun-blind.

A Sour Plum.
WE call the following invention a deliberate act of cruelty:-
Mr. Plumb, of Frankford, U.S., has devised a simple lc ck, by which the runner of
an umbrella can be locked to the handle, so that unauthorized persons may be pre-
vented from using the umrnrella. A simple key will readily open the umbrella, and
admit the runner to play as usual.
All right for the runner "-but how about the party who runs away
with the umbrella as a loan ? Imagine his feelings when the rain
comes down like a spout, and he can not put the umbrella up No it's
an inhuman and barbarous idea. We presume the articles will be
known as Sour Plumbs," to the disappointed borrowers, who would
prefer Fox's paragon frames.

Parlez vous Francais ?
ONE or two of the French papers are surprised to find MR. Lows's
budget presenting an excess of receipts over expenditure, and pro-
mising a reduction of taxation. The Francais asks, Why are we not
doing likewise ?" The answer in French is simple -because they
have not Lowe de we, in other words, our Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer.


VOL. XI.


5








96 I. [MAr 14, 1870.

S< AN ODE TO MAY.


FT FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, May 11th, 1870.
HERE can be little doubt that the Deceased Wife's Sister Bill is
destined to become law this session. It has been a long-contested
measure, and few people imagined a few years ago that it was
likely to be passed-fewer that it would pass with so little
opposition.
There is a movement which threatens to repeal the clause in the act
which the Saturday describes as a "retrospective provision "-a sort of
Janus clause, we presume, which looks backward and forward at the
same time. Its effect would be to legalise marriages of this class
which have been made before the Bill passed. The argument against
this proposition is that it will relieve persons who have acted in
defiance of the law of the land. But even if there be any virtue in this
argument, it is very hard that the innocent children of such marriages
should suffer punishment for that which the House of Commons
declares to be allowable.
There is one view of the case, however, which our legislators do not
appear to have considered. The result of these marriages in some in-
stances will be as confusing as any puzzle Loan DUNDREARY ever got
hazy over. When a certain old pew-opener was asked what her week-
day work was she said, To dust the Commandments and brush down
the Table of Affinity." That table will have to be brushed up now, if
not entirely remodelled.

MORE LIBELS ON THE PRINCE OF WALES.
WHEN proceedings were so properly and so promptly taken recently
against the proprietors of a provincial paper for libelling his Royal
Highness, we are at a loss to understand why those who have dared to
libel the fair ALEXA-NDRA should be allowed to get off scot-free. There
can be no doubt that MR. H. WEIGALL's portraits of the PnmwcE and
PRINCEss, now exhibited at the Royal Academy, are unprovoked and
unpardonable libels. Unless as a punishment for the offence, we cannot
for the life of us understand how he comes to be "hanged, andquartered "
at Burlington House. Even then a glance at the pictures will prove
that a part of the sentence for treason has been omitted-there is no
"drawing at all.
Conventional.
Mu. NEWDEGATE, d-propos of his recently-defeated measure for an
inquisition into convents, described himself in debates the organ
of the House" 04o the subject. As that organ he affords us a handle
for an.inquiry,, why Mi. BAss's Act for the suppression of the organ
nuisance is not put in force when he begins his hackneyed old tune ?
By the.way, is it, Ye banks and.brays ?"

Missing Grinders.
WE learn from American papers that Richmond reports a great
dearth of organ-grinders since the civil war." We trust the paragraph
will be circulated among the London organ-grinders, and that they
will take the hint. .We always thought civil war an unmixed evil, but
the South must have found it a blessing in disguise. If it had the
same effect in England as at Richmond, it would almost reconcile us
to putting up with a Fenian disturbance for a few days.

Caught Napp(k)in.
THE Germans have invented a paper dinner-napkin on ..which
popular songs are printed. "It is a pretty idea," says a contemporary,
"to take after dinner a soup-soiled article to spread on the piano."
We have a suspicion he means a soup-song.

Beauty is .as Beauty does.
AN enthusiastic picturesque reporter must have done this:-
There are 30 murderesses in the Michigan penitentiary, many of whom are said
to be "positively beautiful."
We suppose he only meant that they looked positively killing!

A .Matter of a-pine-ion.
THE South London Press states that Da. LETHEan has succeeded in
extracting a splendid pine-apple flavor from.the Thames refuse, and
suggests. that it may be made eventnally.to. supply pine-apple .um.
We have more faith in its rum production than in its pine-apple.


H, May! The poets sing
of thee
As queen of budding
Showers,
Of song-bird's glee, and
humming bee,
And every kind of
'flowers!
-- With them I do not feel
'the least
I Objection to cry Oh."
The wind is East, which
has increased
S? My rheumatism, I
knowo!

They sing of hedges burst-
ing out
With tiny emerald
leaf-
Of birds that spring on
everything
"That's living, .to be
S- brief.
!y The truth of that :what
man disputes ?
I'll prove it to his teeth,
Among whose roots neuralgia shoots,
These chilly skies beneath!
Thee, queen of spring, while bards thus sing,
As debonair and bright,
The painters limn thee fair and slim,
With myriad graces dight.
Artist and poet I acquit
Of falsehood, I-declare-
For I admit, with shivering fit,
Your nipping eager air !
And thou on Nature's face dost strew
The hyacinth's azure-bell-
And noses too, quite, quite as blue,
Distributest as well.
.-For though thou blossoms dost bestow,
'Tis not thy only game,
Alas, we know if flow'rete blow,
North-Easters. dothe same.
.To thee the .altars smoked.of; old-
The incense upward soared
F, rom.censors gold, whence vapours rolled
Thy greatness to record.
And still that greatness claims-its tolls
In this our modern day,
When smoke up-rolls from blazing coals-
Who gives up fires in May ?

Kilt twice over.
MR. WHALLEY, writing to the Times-he's just, the type of .people
who. are always writing to the Times-about ;the. debate, on Mu.
NBWDnEGAE'S motion, talks about-
Exclamations which arose from the crowd of .members in which I chanced ,to be,
the words "' Kick him," Strangle him," being prominent in the uproar.
We cannot consent to believe that our legislature ever was guilty of
such a leaning to Lynch law. SurelyMR. WHALLEY is mistaken! He
has possibly not yet recovered from the shaking. he got in his late
accident. It was not stated when he was pitched from his carriage
that he fell on his head, but he may have done so, as it was reported he
was not seriously injured;. and the shock may.have; caused some con-
fusion in his. hearing, which made him misunderstand the cries of, his
brother M.P.'s:-in short, the singing,'? that ,heis so often called upon
to favour the House with, may be in his head. We repeat, we cannot
credit the assertion that Ma. WHALLEY was greeted with murderous
shouts, which would seem to mean his assassination.

Birds in the Hand.
THE New Zealand Examiner is enthusiastic at the.arrival of some
English rooks in the colony. "We trust they will. multiply," says the
delighted journal. If ,the colonists are so .desirous of rooks they have
only to let the Turf get well established in the country,: and they will
find lots of rooks on it, looking for something to "turn up."








MAY 14, 1870. FUN. 97


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
YouR kindness in sending me a ticket for the opening dinner of
Cremorne hasquite smoothed.down any feelings of resentment I had
towards you, while on the other hand you have the gratification of
knowing that a- representative not to be bought over by the choicest
wines or the rarest meats, watched over the interests of your reportorial-
staff. But-contrary to my expectations, and in dismal contrast to my
hopes, temptations were not. forthcoming, for though the dinner was
fair, i mw a'badly,'served,. and your correspondent was more than once
obliged&tooast;on one side that modesty and reticence which is his
distin Ba aliorateristic, butwi sch wi so eminently unsuited to a
dinneja=t- at- which the majqxity of the guests, though they had
broughftouetimimostgorgwoatoestume, had forgotten to supply them-
selveswiw-eany"faithes;but those which were decidedly unnecessary.
And thisrematrk applies to others that those at the lower tables.
In geafedteewacamy. friend the sporting writer whom I met at the
AgrioufittaeliHw.an much more at home was he on this occasion,
for-
S-bwW and.surely be filled his maw,
Andle nse'r for-one moment was hurried";
WiblTh-eswai~ters?.a4tenished at whatthsy saw,
Gathered&ound him'undoubtedly fltbried.
Ife saoundmwas heard-we had ailof-.nrdone-
A.dYwewatohed himmenjpying.his-pamnum;
Bit1thae-strogge, with finisl ingslatefils was won:
In wmanaernot seen onoeper'anmti .
The bamd did play ih sonorou styie, the band was playing all the
while'till diner -was orvr and then it stopped, and the champagne
corks bheingall of them popped, atvoiceaso clear, a voice so loud, was
heard above the murmuring crowd,-thatcrowd so full of every good
thing which departi winter and coming spring could unto Cremorne
tablesbring. Thiavoiceedid then a toast proclaii sto which was attached
an illustrious name, and. the tribute having bea, paid to fame, the
gorgeous swell who filled.the chair did pare his- nailandasmooth his
hair, and looking round with savoir fair did'speak hi?-speech as
follows:-
[Our reporter'as-sritten such' a'-mass of unintelligible rubbish, so
eminently unlike the elegant speeches for which the members of our-
lower. Houseaof Parliament are famous, that we cannot in justice to-
ourselves or-our readersupnt'it into type.]
Where shall the pressman stray
He who has dined well-
Where shall he saunter gay
He who has wined well?
Where but about the grounds
Fevered brow cooling;
While glad and festive sounds
Round him are ruling.
But very uncomfortable--and to all appearances slightly indisposed-
did my friend the sporting pecker appear, as seated on a bench near
the entrance to the theatre he gazed fishily at the promenaders.
Dyspepsia had evidently seized him for her own; and though in
response to the solicitations of your correspondent, he but murmured,
"Plovers' eggs," I knew that not .one alone but various dishes were
the cause of his emotions.
Leaving my friend to the beneficial advantages of fresh air and
solitude, I, in company with a gentleman who represents a well-known
paper, entered the theatre; but myhopes, of seeing.the performance
were suddenly checked. An individual at the door behaved so
obstructively that we withdrew, without seeing any of the per-
formances.

Though Hester won the One Thousand Guinea Frivolity and
Mahonia were second and third, and my success if not complete should
be sufficiently satisfactory when it is considered that the overnight
predictions were most of them much farther out. Macgregor, too, amply
repaid the confidence reposed in him by me, and won with such ex-
traordinary ease that at first sight the Derby seems as good as over.
But so many favourites have found the Derby course unsuited to their
staying powers, and so many times the winner of the Guineas has been
obliged to compound on reaching the formidable Tattenham Corner,
that mature consideration leaves the great event of the year still of an
open character, to a certain extent. MR. MERRty, however, has another
string, who will doubtless play a prominent part in the remaining.
three-year-old events-of the year; and thus if the outlaw fails to
secure the blue riband I shall yet anticipate.the success of his owner,
for that Macgregor and Sunshine will run first and second at Epsom
on June 1st now appears most probable. Next week I shall enter
more fully into the aspect of the struggle, but will simply say now,
that an investment on Sunshine will be very likely to repay itself.
For the Chester Cup I hear that Muster has won a great trial, but
with every confidence in my last week's selection, I shall elect to stand


or fall by SABINUS, with Glenfalloch and Bonny Swell for the
runners-up. Auosu i .
P.S. I must again beg of you to defer your promised visit, as my
mother-in-law has taken possession of my establishment, and quite
choked it up with her luggage; besides, I am afraid-'hr temperwould
be a little too strong for you.
2nd P.S. I have opened my letter to inforis you that MaS.
CRACKLER has been here highly inflamed with drink and wrath, and
insists on being paid for her contribution. This is too bad.

THE ENTERPRISING TRAD0AMAN.
Songq for Musio:
I'M an enterprising tradesman, and- Iknow my:lltb:game,
I give tosundry charities to advertise'my natn-:;, -
I marlemy goods in figures plain, butqlike a'nmalu'oense,
I stick, small three farthings in, o'ershadow'tidby:the peno ..-
My sugar's famous everywhere, for I, you atfderti t -"
Take care to give the highest price for bettero'ltt'of sant;.
The nutmegs too you'll always find uneoomt 'B strontigand. good-
For I take care to have-thenrttrned.ffbm wholesotn'kirnds ot '-Wdd.
My teas.are-quite uniivalled, for; as evetrylbdyknofWflJ
* There's not a-shrub' that-wholesotmer than honesttlBrtttfih sde6
The leaves look lovely wheirthey're dried, when anll'-AedlBtC'llWee
A very- handsome residiethat's wholly made of tea.
My sweets:fbr children nursessay are better far than'tiltttia'
Forcoaxing llttle- tushy-pegs" through baby's littlewgtits;
There's-nothing hurtful in 'em'one, I'll stoke my lifTthe'ain't,.
Since once a'rising-family was poisoned-by the paint;-
Mfy biscuitaare-well-solder'd down and don't fill up the tint;
My pickles are a lively green front putting coppers in;
How dbarmy trade is to my heart I'm sure I" dare'natteli"
An: enttrprising'tradesman-I'm a westryman as well I'
I'm on the board-,fguardinin -, too-we weigh the paupe~sitead,
And makwaldittle profitby atiny bit of lead';
I can't say that:we're popular; you see the poor nmathates
The rearing-t#-nuwopanpetrs; and the keeping down of rates.
I owe no man a penny, and when debts are due to me,
I get a shrewd solicitor who nobly earns his fee;
I never let a poor man off since business first began,
An enterprising tradesman I'm a truly virtuous man.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
FEw books of the season will be more welcome than the now and
enlarged edition of MR. FREDERICK LOCKER'S London Lyrics, published
by MEsuss. STRAHAN AND Co., who, having secured the Laureate's
works, seem determined to claim the title of "the poetical house,"
formerly conferred on another firm. Ma. LockER'S charming vers de
sotei l are too well known to need any elaborate treatise now. Every
one knows, or ought to know The Wish," with its tender fancy, and
"The Bear Pit," with its quaint wit. These two examples are typical
of MR. LocKER's mode of thought, which happily balances the
pathetic and the humorous, and renders his poems the best modern
vers de sovidte. Without the humanity which underlies all his writings,
the most polished lines and the most correct rhythm do but constitute
a chilly glitter which may please the eye but cannot touch the heart.
We confidently predict a wide popularity for this new issue, which we
trust will raise the standard of poetry in the mind of the public, and
correct the influence of the overmuch magazine verse with which
we are afflicted.
MESSRS. FULLER have issued six designs in outline for illuminating,
embodying KELE'S Erening Hymn. Miss JEANS, the artist, has
shown considerable taste, and the floral borders are especially elegant.
If well-coloured they would form, when bound, a very'pretty gift-
book.

Here Hue are I
SoMEBnoDY wants us tell him the tint of the new colour Eau de Nil.
We guess it is the colour of the water in an empty glass.

Agricultural Mem.
THE great wheat-clipper race from California," about which we
hear so much, is not a competition of reaping-machines.

A PosSamBL reason why matches are not taxed: Considerations for
vesta'd interests.







98 ]FU NJ [MY 14. 1870.


"THE ROUGH WITH THE SMOOTH."
Helen:-" BUT, AUNTIE, SOME HAIR WON'T LIE SMOOTH,-BESIDES FRED LIKES IT AS I WEAR IT!"
Maiden Aunt :-" NONSENSE, HELEN I FIND NO DIFFICULTY IN KEEPING MY HAIR SMOOTH, AND, THEREFORE, YOUt CAN HAVE NONE.
As FOR FREDERICK'S LIKING IT, OF COURSE HE WOULD. AS FAR AS MY EXPERIENCE GOES MEN HAVE NO TASTE WHATEVER!"


A WORD WITH THE LADIES.
THE spring has come. The time when, according to the poet, the
young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of Nancy," when we
begin to dream of white-bait and patronise the opera. Now, at this
spring season when the flowers are bursting into blossom and the
water-cress is piquant and pleasant at breakfast, we are favoured of
course with many new spring toilettes; and just as a lady changes her
dresses, so she now changes her hair. This brings us to our subject.
We want to ask how long in the name of common sense is the present
odious, foolish, and unbecoming fashion of wearing the hair to
continue? Can anyone really believe that a series of intertwisted
sausages extending from above the forehead down almost to the middle
of the back, is either graceful or becoming ? It destroys the shape of
the head, it obliterates the back of the neck, it looks, and is, obtrusively
false, and suggestive of those horrible frizettes, and above all it has now
become so common, that we wonder why in sheer disgust the leaders of
fashion don't try to change it. The spring is upon us and the park is
beginning to look a little civilised, why then are we still to see the
everlasting sausages predominate, the odious coil that deprives a
woman's head of all gracefulness, of all shape ? The old form of the
chignon was preferable, odious as that was, but the present mon-
strosity is enough to make a sensible man turn misogynist, fly into the
wilderness, and earn an honest though precarious livelihood by doing
the hermit business at a penny a peep, and twopence for a handful of
dried peas. Ladies of England! your FUN adjures you to discard
these loathsome masses of mendacious hair, to show us your dear little
heads as Heaven made them! Better the bald head of honesty and
truth than the golden peruke of unreality and deceit.

Taking a Measure.
IF sixteen drams make one ounce, how many will destroy all
scruples ?


SPRING'S DELIGHTS.
I LOVE the Spring-the gentle Spring,
The budding flow'rs and trees ;
The plaintive airs that zephyrs sing,
The murmur of the bees.
The lowing kine, the callow brood,
The swallows on the wing;
And more than all the vernal mood
That stirs us in the Spring.
And, ah! 'tis sweet-surpassing sweet-
To quit the giddy throng,
And seek some still and lone retreat,
And pen an idle song.
Or muse and saunter on the coast-
Away from kith and kin;
But, oh! sweet Spring, I love thee most
When lamb and peas are in!

Truth in Absence.
THIS is a little puzzling:-
PROMOTION IN ABSENTI&.-Gentlemen of Position and Education have an
opportunity of being nominated Chevalier, and even to be promoted to foreign
hereditary nobility. Address, -, &c., Secrecy and discretion can be relied on.
How a gentleman who is absent can "by these presents be constituted
a chevalier is not such a difficult mystery to solve, as how he can be
the hereditary successor of a foreign nobleman to whom he has only
money relations. We suppose he would claim as a cozen German.

The Weather and the "Cropper."
FARMERS often wish for a shower, but few of them appreciate what
landlords are pleased to term "a sprinkling "-of game.







F' TJ UN .-MAY 14, 1870.


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JOHN BULL AS LORD DUNDREARY.
Bulldreary leadingg Deceased Wife's Sister Bill) :-" Th-thuppothe I-I am a w-widower, with f-four children, and my d-dethoathed
wife wath a w-wow, with two ch-childwen when I mawwied her :-if I mawwy m-my detheathed w-wife'th th-thither, w-what welation
will her ch-childwen by her firth husthband be to m-my children by my f-firth wife ? And w-what welation will my th-thecond wife be
to m-my f-firth wife'th children? W-why, my f-firth wife'th children will b-become th-thonth and d-daughterth of their aunt, and
b-bwotherth and th-thitherth to their c-c-couthenth, and m-my g-gwand children will be b-bwotherth and thitherth, and n-nephewth
and nietheth, and c-couthens-and they may mawwy and-and-and then-who the d-dooth shall I be ?


MN )


/


I


,. '\







FUN.


MAY 14, 1870.]


101


So I says, Well, in course I'll go, but you ain't heardd the last of
M rs. g rBaw a T mt S ( l nera this, for," I says, "if I goes to QUEEN WicToRIA herselff I'll 'ave my
rights." And were a-goin out of the place when I was stopped by a
party as told me I'd got to give that cabman five shillin's for 'is loss
MRS. BROWN AND THE CABMAN. of time. I says, "Never, not if I goes to prison for it."
(Conoluded from p. 81.) It's the magistrate's order," says the party, and youf must pay."
So I says, "I'll 'ear it from 'is own lips, then," and-b.ok I goes and
WAS up and off betimes that next morning' arter, though I asks what were the meaning' of such goin's on.
didn't say nothing to BEowN as will 'ave 'is jeer at every Says the magistracy, "Let 'er stand up," and so I did, and if he
think ; but he won't put me out nor prewent me bein' down didn't take and give me such a talking' to, a-sayin' as I diddught to be
on that cabman," I says to myself when a-startin; though I ashamed of myself ah-bringin' up a false charge agin a innercent man
must say it wasn't hardlyy worth the trouble, but got to the Perlice-hoffice as might 'ave been-'if ruin but for a good character with a large family
on the stroke of ten, as received me like a queen I will say, as only as was -unknown to the Perlice, or might 'ave l6st'is licence, as 'ad
shows as them perlice when rough is aggravated to it by them wile beenr and purgid mysblfi, and made a distunibance in' eurt'liut would
characters as they takes up with. discharge me this time, and 'oped as it would prove a waridn' to me
I set a-waitin' an waiting' while that magistracy were condemn' a .isdrink were no doubt the- cause on.
lot on 'em, and I 'm sure took a deal o' trouble a-talkin' to 'em like a Ithought as I should 'ave dropped, but buildn't stand it no longer,
father, as were downright beautiful to listen to, and so like bein' in rand. s I says, You jest please to keep a civil tongue in ydlir 'dada-
church as I couldn't 'elp a-droppin' off as I 'm sure must do any one talking' to me jest as if I were one of them lowlived "
good though they didn't seem to care about it. "'Hold your tongue'or I'll commit you for contempt,"'says the magis-
There was a lot of cases as was 'ard cases certingly, and two or three tracy; land the partyras stood next me as were a perlite says t6 me, Be
young women 'ad up for a-tryin' to drown theirselves over Waterloo quiet." And if that magistracy didn't go on a-tellin' me as I should
Bridge, as nothing but drink is at the bottom on, and in my opinion make my 'ome desolute, my life a misery, as was one of them parties
did ought to be sent to some 'sylum and punished for it. The same as as likes to 'ear theirselves talk; but in course 'ave got it all 'is own
another drunken wretch as 'ad been a-pawnin' 'er children's clothes to way jest for all the world like a parson as nobody can't contradict, till
get liquor, and turned 'er eldest gal into the streets, as looked a bold at-last he says to me, "Are you married?"
'ussy as I'd 'ave 'ad well whipped at the cart's tail, a disgustin' beast. I says, "I consider sach E question as insults as am well beknown."
That magistracy were a werry nice man and so was all the other gen- Says the magistracy, "Does any one know 'er P "
tlemen as was in the court, all but a parcel of boys as was a-settin' round Up jumps- a werry nice looking' stout, little gentleman, as wore
a table in the middle and a-gigglin' at a many improper things as was glasses and 'ad been a starin' at me rather bold all the time, with a
said, for some of their cases wasn't fit for any decent person to 'ear, wicked winkle in his eye and said as he knowed me well, and would
and yet I see two ladies as was a-settin' there a.listenin' to things as answer for mi- bein'tespeotable, and come and spoke that kind to me,
made me wish for to draw a wail down, as I did, indeed, to 'ide my and told me as I must pay the five shillin's, and says, Next time as
blushes. you summons a caly mind as you gets the number all right."
So I asks a party what them young gents wanted there, as told me Well," I-says, A- 1 copied it down from the back of thed'ab, and it
they was a-goin' into civil service an' a-learnin' their business. was all their faults as took it down 'ere;" but the party as 9d done it
I says, "In my opinion they won't learn much.as ,i good for service he showed the numbers as I'd give, and then- say,' 'KYobiold me to
'ere, nor yet what's civil neither." leave out the orts."
Well jest then my case were called on and up come a cabman as I'd I -says, I certingly did, not a-thinkin' 'as they'd 1iake such a
never set eyes on in my life. So they gave me the book to kiss and difference; but I-won't- be beat. I'll 'ave anothetWfitons with all
then asks me what I 'id to pay. the orts left in."
So I says, Well," I says, it were last Toosday as I were on my Says the nice little gent, You'd better leave itlone. You've got
way to Kilburn and a-lookin' for a 'bus in the Strand where they put bothered with the figgers some 'ow."
me down and did ought to 'ave took me to the Regency Circus, as the Well, then," I says, it's others as 'ave bothered me."
Kilburn 'buses runs to, and through not bein' a good walker I thinks He says, There aint no cab in the world as is numbered
to myself as preaps it's cheaper for to 'ave a cab, as might bring on a 10,000,763."
cold through 'avin' overeated myself and a doctor's bill soon runs into So I says, In course you knows best, as I considers a friend, and
pounds-as werry often need only have took a basin of gruel a-goin' wishes you a werry good day; and 'ome I goes dreadful put out, and
to bed, with a tablespoon of rum in it, as, is. a fine thing partickler never said a word to BRowN, as would 'ave crowed; but I must say as
where the chest is tight and a stitch in time will save nine as the no wonder cabs goes on as they do when you can't even take their
sayin' is." numbers right, with magistrates agin' you, as is a downright
I was a-goin'.on when if them larky boys as was a-settin' at the disgrace.
table didn't bust out alarfin',.as made the magistracy look up from a
book as he were a-readin' and say if there wasn't silence he'd 'ave the Ex-hoss-tive.
court cleared; -and now he says to me, "'What's your complaint,
mum?" JOBINS read this out to us just now :
I I says, "I'm thankful for to say as I ain't got no complaint more A horse belonging to Mr. Porritt, of Burnham Market, died suddenly the other
tian a bad cold, though subject to spavins, and, if I 'ad, shouldn't tell day. The cause of death not being known the body was opened, when in its
stomach eight stones were found, six of them weighing a pound each, the other two
anyone but a doctor in a public place." half a pound. They were sharp-edged and of triangular shape, and how they
That magistracy were quite took a-back,-and says to the party as found their way into such a strange situation is not apparent.
stood next me, in the gownd, Do see what she-wants." Now," said JomxvNs, do you think the horse could have swallowed
Well," I says, "only my rights, as that cabman 'ave been and those stones ?" Can't say, was the answer-but we can't swallow
took from me; and I goes on to tell the magistracy all about me them-unless, like Suffolk, Flintshire has a breed of horses of its own.
a-lettin' that cabman take what he liked, as were seven shillin's.
Says the magistracy, You don't mean to, say as you wanted to; go
all that way for two shillin's." All-a-bam, ah I
I says, I only asked 'im to drive on as far as he could go, Kilburn THE latest from America!
way, for a 'our." A few days ago two gentlemen in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, opened fire upon each
Says the magistracy to the cabman, "Did you agree to- take this other with revolvers in the street. Both werewounded and a bystander was killed.
lady on those terms ?" Serve the bystander perfectly right. What business had he staring
Law," says the cabman, I never set eyes on the lady, and ain't vulgarly at two gentlemen amicably settling a private difference P We
'ad a fare to Kilburn these two year." know manners, we do! You wouldn't catch us hanging about inter-
So says the magistracy to me; "Is that the man ?" fearing with the free action of the bullets, when two strangers ard hard
I says, Certingly not; for the man as drove me were a thin, spare at it with revolvers. Oh, no! we know manners.
man, with a 'atchet face, and a. gimlet eye, as. the sayin' is, and-I _______Iwhor n!nw
should call this a lusty, party." Soft Lydian Airs."
"Then why. did you summons 'im ?" says the magistracy. Soft Lydian Airs.
"Why,"I says, "it is 'is'artful deceitful ways no doubt, as, in course, Miss LYDIA. THOMPsoN has published a pamphlet which she is pleas.
'ave changed cabs with the other, as. is easy done through their all ed to call The Literature of the Lash, describing her "argument "-a
workin'in a gang." strikingly forcible one-with the Chicago Editor. We trust for the
"The case is. dismissed," says the magistracy. credit of the profession that she will not publish any more editions ol
"What," I .says, and no rights for a lone woman as takes a cab as the argument."'
did ought to be protected."
That magistracy only gave a sign with 'is 'and, and the, party in WHAT particular train does TOM THUMB resemble ? The limited
the gownd told me to stand down, and walk with. him. male, of course.







102


SFUN.


"INDISCRIMINATE ALMS-GIVING."
RUTH is so very short-sighted, you know !


WHAT'S ON THE WALLS.
THE Royal Academy Exhibition for 1870 is without a doubt the
worst for years! Last year the removing from the National Gallery
could be pleaded as an excuse for a good many things, but this year
that poor argument cannot be urged. With greater facilities, enlarged
space, and with-if we may believe the statements of the Academicians
(which we don't)-a fair and liberal desire to do justice to those
outside the charmed circle, the Academy gives us a show which is
imply disgraceful and degrading to English Art, if it is to be taken as
an example of what English Art is.
All the old evils, which were to vanish in the new premises, have
increased rather than diminished. The R.A.'s exhibit more than their
usual amount of rapacity and incapacity. After their names in the
catalogue come the old strings of figures, proving that they cannot
restrain their greed for wall-space or give the younger men fair play.
And yet out of the six or seven canvases so many of them send in,
how few have the least claim to the wall-space on the line which they
occupy-unless their size is to be taken as a claim on the score of
" quantity not quality! !" We have made a rough calculation of the
number of R.A. 's and outsiders with the number of pictures exhibited
by each class, and we find that, out of the one thousand and odd
paintings exhibited, the fifty or so of Academicians own about a
hundred and sixty, the outsiders, six hundred and fifty in number,
showing about eight hundred and eight-that is that the R.A.'s have
an advantage of three to one in representation over the rest of the
exhibitors. Of course the Academy being theirs, with special rules for
their advantage, they may do this-but doing so, let them renounce all
pretence of being an Academy for the advancement of English Art, and
own themselves the mere traders they are. This course would have
the double advantage of releasing them from the strain of keeping up
the pretence of impartiality and devotion to Art, and also of relieving
English Art from the disgrace of their performances.
What do the Academicians contribute to the glory of Art this year ?
We have MR. COOKE and MR. COOPER fiddling on the same single
strings, the former with his thousandth repetition of Dutch boats; the
latter with his thousandth repetitions of cows and sheep. Ma. FROST


[MAT 14, 1870. I


SEASONABLE RHYMES.
A NORTH-EASTERLY breeze!
We grunt and we wheeze-
We shiver, we freeze-
We cough, and we sneeze !
Frost seven degrees
(Poor apricot trees!)
All kinds of disease
On weak folks to seize.
If this be the cheese
(And it's Grew "-here, one sees !)
Not for me, if you please!
In climates like these
The thought of green peas
Occurs but to tease,
While round fires we all squeeze,
And devoutly one d "s,
As one toasts one's cold knees,
The vexatious decrees
That the Weather Clerk gies,"
And one's appetite flees
For smart repartees,
While the wind to N.E.'s,
And in very high keys,
Pipes loud airs-though not glees!

THE GOURMAND'S HOPE.
WHAT did I hope for ere last night I went
To dinner to meet several famous beauties,
Say! did I hope my stock of jokes unspent
Would make folks laugh ?-a wit has serious duties.
Or did I wish to snare some lovely girl,
And win her wealth, as in some story olden,
And swear I worshipped every pendant curl
That like her expectations should be golden.
No, Reader but last night, before the feed,
I had one hope indulged in ere we revelled;
I fondly trusted, blame me not for greed,
We should have whitebait plain, and then red devill'd.

THE FuULEST STAIN ON A SHEFFIELD BLADE.-A
stab in the dark.


-who doesn't know exactly what his pictures are ? Who cannot guess
the "sweet" sort of work Messus. DonsoN and LE JEUNE exhibit?
Then comes MR. FRITH, with a batch of seven pictures of inferior
merit, instead of one good one. SIR FRANcis GRANT occupies a lion's
share of wall with vast and uninteresting portraits, and MR. KNIGHT
follows suit. MaR. HART only sends one picture-for which modera-
tion we have reason to be grateful. SIR EDWIN LANDSEER nullifies
the good effect of his other works with a sloppy "Lassie," and a
gigantic "royal" picture, which the nation should, out of loyalty to
the Queen and regard for the painter, purchase and destroy, with the
exception of the foot or so of canvas where the dog is. MR. MILLAIs,
following SIR EDWIN'S example, after giving us some of the cleverest
pictures on the walls, insults the public by exhibiting a portrait of MR.
KELK that a sign-board painter would be ashamed of. MR. O'NEiL,
Mn. PICKERSGILL, and MR. REDGRAVE are just what they always are.
MR. WARD is stagey and painty as usual; and MR WATTs, once a
painter of promise, has begun the downward career of mannerism and
weakness which seems inevitable so soon as a painter writes R.A. after
his name.
All honour to MR. GoonALL, whose single picture is a work which
does credit to English Art, as to the generosity and conscientiousness
of the painter who can afford to leave space, he might claim, for
younger artists, but cannot afford to scamp his work. MR. HOOK is
another R.A. who worthily represents the English school. After
these, the Associates, the young blood, with Mn. LESLIE at the head,
come to the front, and do much to sustain the credit of the Academy,
which the older members so endanger.
Among the outsiders some few take notable place. But many seem
to have been admitted only to keep such pictures as that of MR.
0. LANDSEER in countenance! When it became known a short time
since that many excellent pictures by well-known painters had been
rejected, it was naturally concluded that the exhibition would be one
of extraordinary merit. It turns out to be unprecedentedly bad, and
the only reason we can deduce for the exclusion is, that the pictures
sent back were too dangerously good; and that merit was a bar, and
mediocrity and inferiority were recommendations. Of the outsiders
who attracted most notice last year how few are to be met with in the






MAY 14, 1870.] F U N 103

present Exhibition. "The Last Rose of Summer," by MR. BARNES, S ttuSra 10( ttttisS
which was so justly admired last year, has doubtless procured its
painter the compliment of rejection this year by those who "bear, like e cannot return unaccepted 3ISS. or Sketches, unless they are accom.
the Turk, no brother near the throne," least of all a big brother. paned by a sta ed and directed envelope; and we da nas. hold ourselves
We are prepared to be singular in our condemnation of the Ex- responsiblefor loss.1
hibition. What the Saturday Review has said of dramatic critiques
applies with equal force to -art-notices, which incompetence and interest PRESUMrTIOUS (Exeter).-If we were presumptuous, we should say you
combine to render utterly valueless! Criticism is rapidly degenerating had mistaken your vocation-you don't mean presumption but assumption,
into puffery, and outspoken truth is so rare, that those whose works surely!
meet with the smallest amount of deserved censure attribute it at once A e don't likWeha nobjion to our rising m your
to malevolence or envy. Until the art-critics take heart of grace to ashes, but dnt try to revive a lot of old jokes, as well.
say plainly what they see and feel, the Exhibition of the Royal ALPACA.-We've no alternative, so you must put up. withrefuMal. 'Tis
Academy will never purge our national school of art of the disgrace hard a native of Peru should not achieve perusal.
and dishonour which befell it at the Paris Exhibition, where compared POETA, NASCITUR, ETc.-Unfortunately, as far as youR:ehancaoetlimb-
with the pictures of other countries, the English paintings made so ing Parnassus is concerned, you don't seem to stir a Peg(asus),:
pitiable and contemptible a figure. E.W. T. (Bermondsey).-Not a tanner!
EL. G.-Good, but we can'tmake jokes about the Present" ststa.of the
weather. It changes on the day of publication if we do..
The King of Fishes. SozooefI SwGE.-Sagel Stuff, a goose. Noneaofronuwaauoe.
CinSTANT 0REAnEna --We doubt it, for the ar.diclyoualHtie to appeared
THE twenty-three pound salmon, recently taken in the Thames has, inmunseaendsnumberI
we believe, been pronounced to be a genuine Salmo salar. We rather JJK: (Co6ng.ct'ayo).-The memorandum on-youu-XS6-.p~omrd- itsinm-
incline to the opinion-perpend, MI. FRANK BUCKLAND !-that it must mediate diBmBissakunread.
be a specimen of the Salmo ferox, as it has certainly proved a lion." H. A. P (Oxford).-Not.required.
CoN STANT-RABDEB.(Liverpool).-Thie last volumaended with-N.e, 251.
BLOATERI.-Y'unjoke about" w(h)ales and fishy isn't originalfor
Ex Cathedra. onaehingt-for another a whale isn't a fish at all 1
DH PtonnwDis.-He has no father's name to(,tradis,onanans:he will
THE EARL OF DUDLEY never really intended to put a stop to.--th leave.hisson similarly circumstanced.
Worcester Musical Festival- it was only his joke just a little. Deoline&,iahithanka:-B;i.Culney Hatch; J..J. W., Heigham; k 8S. F.,
purse-iflage. Liverpool. E'. A; C; A: D., Finsbury; A. C Inland R&venue; J.' M H.;
Rise in-the Stocks; Tbby- G. L., Cheltenham; MoBhunGlasgowq H. T.,
English to the, Backbone. Taviatock-street;-Doncasfer: Toodles; H.: F. A&, Old Broadaftreet;
Sthe last not of the thrush is hushed, and the nightingale G.T. F., Weybridge.; F. J.; R. FP, Tottenhlum.road; B. B. ; A.W. C.,
WHEN the last note of the thrush s hushed, and the nightingae Glasgow; F.B Bermondsey; W. J. B., Brixtonm; ]S. C., HURaeoy;
fills the air with melody, how irresistibly does the sentiment, dear to F. W.; King.-of Lilliput; Edilf; Lothaik; C. BSi; TEF. W.; ,i L.,
every Briton, suggest itself-" One down-another come on! Glasgow.


/
//


AN O,RD,1 NAR.Y REMARK.
I7nry .Diner:--" TROUBLE' YOu FORB SOME MORE BREAD, LANDLORD, I
ALWAYS EAT A GOOD DEAL OF BREAD WITHr-MY. MEAT."
Landlord:-" So I SEE, sIR! AND:A GOOD-DBAL O'MEAT WITH TOTE BREAD'"


DOUBtRE AGROSTIC, No. 166.
WHEN from his labours -in the nation's cause,
Vacation brings our Atticus a pause,
His learned labour loving he devotes
To theologio or to classic notes.
Not so APELLA I He, in forced retreat, ,
Essays no lofty theme, no mighty feat;
He on the stage once more his puppets drags,
Deckt out in tinsel and in tawdry rags;
For him, contented with-the novelist's name,
Fiction is Literature, and MUDIE Fame I
1. The rain and the sleet
They pitiless beat
On that poor old gentleman's." frosty pow,"
Which was decked with a circlet of gold but now.
2. This very brave hero of mine
He dwelt in a tower on the Rhine,
And, a thief of the very first water,
A dragon once promised to slaughter.
But the folks, when the brute he had slain,
Wished that he had been killed, of the twain 1
3. A braver soldier, or a man more handy,
Was never heard of. I appeal to SHANDY.
4. FATIMA, allow my lips
On those fingers to impinge,
Whose delightful slender tips
Blush with somewhat orange tinge.
5. I cannot say that I approve of that-
At.any rate as trimming for a hat.
6. 'Tis said its proportions symmetric were traced
(As indeed you'll discern in the capital curls,)
From woman's rare charms ; such as anciently Fraced
The land of the Greek, famed for beautiful girls.
7. I saw-EEAu kissing KATE
In a corer snug and cosy;
But his nose thereafter, I must state,
Had a smudge of a colour rosy!


S6dVTION OF AcBosTIo
Laureated, Ou, Whit, Extirp
BOLUTI'ES or AasOBTI No. 1I
Correeot.


No. 164, Lzowo, .Duty'.
atory.
64, REOEIVZT 4th May. None






104 FUN. P[AY 14, 1870.

TO A JILT.
SOME WAY AFTER PRAED.
WHsE rural boroughs are not bought,
S. Or lovely maidens sold;
I IWhen self is reckoned less than naught,
Or honour more than gold;
SI When money does not make the man,
Or gooseberries champagne;
.' When Poet CLOSE'S verses scan,-
I may be yours again!
SWhen TussxuD's wax-works learn to think,
Or Tories to be wise;
When local rates begin to sink,
Af aOr Spanish scrip to rise;
When German princes live at home,
Or swells in Drury lane;
When DR. CUNIMING goes to Rome,-
I may be yours again!
When knaves and ranters cease to preach,
Or evening prints to lie;
When tyros do not try to teach,
Or silly girls to dye;
When OsnoRNE quite forgets to jest,
Or Ireland to complain;
When taxes are no more assess'd-
I may be yours again!
When law and justice both unite,
Or SWAN and EDGAR part;
When London gas gives better light,
Or AYRTON takes to art;
When Leicester-square begins to smile,
Or Bradshaw to be plain;
a gWhen smart reviewers don't revile,--
I may be yours again !
"When LORDn PENZANcE shall sit no more,
Or gaols no longer stand;
When want is banished from our shore,
Or love is in the land ;
ETIQUE TTE. When earth is rid of every woe,
Mr. Tunks (to Coal-heaving Friend):-" LOOK'EE 'ERE-VEN YOU AN' ME'S Or fools are blest with brain-
TOGETHER LIKE THIS, BILL, I DON'T MIND YER A-CALLIN' OF ME JOE. BUT, Why then, my faithless charmer, know
REMEMBER, VEN VE'RE IN SOCIETY, I'm MR. TUNKS! I may be yours again!


CHAT S AB 0 UT MAG S. come a gift-horse in the mouth, especially when it is sent out in such
MHATS ABO T elegant trappings.
MAY.
IN the Cornhill Ma. READE'S story seems drawing to a not very Warren-ted.
satisfactory conclusion; and the installment has here and there a touch ASPIRANTS for literary honours may take a useful lesson from the
of animalism which jars somewhat. The rest of the number is of shoe-black. He is but a slovenly scribe who scorns to "polish."
average merit, and both illustrations are very good.
London Society is not as strong in its art as usual. "Amateur and Black Game.
Professional" is a vague and purposeless treatment of an interesting
topic. "Impressions of One Term at Oxford" is a capital pa er, but Now is your time-noble sportsmen! in London, rookeries innumer-
we venture to question the last anecdote in it P Undergrads don't go able caw loudly for thinning.
in for fireworks but fists on the 5th of November, and we cannot un-
derstand how the writer could slip a Roman candle into the proctor-s WHAT R.A., does not mean :-Respectable Art.
pocket-how could he get at it, when the proctor was wearing his
gown ? By the way, the paper will make many an old Oxford man NOTICE.-In the Press and will shortly be published,
pause when he comes to the mention of "Filthy Luker," and the an- THE NOTES OF NICHOLAS,
nouncement that he is dead!
Once a Week contains the finish of "Caught by a Thread." A paper With other Writings, Serious and Humorous, by the late W. J. PaowsH.
on "London Birds" is very curious, and interesting. The number is Edited, with a Biography, by Tom HooD.
a good one. We are inclined to think the magazine would do better
without any illustrations save an occasional "Phiz." NOTICE.-Md!y subscribers having complained of the inconvenience ofthe
The Poetical Magazine will be gratefully hailed by all editors, we Ftru volumes ending at irregular divisions of the year, it has been deter-
feel sure; for it will divert the stream of poetry which is constantly mined to bring the present volume to a close in June, so that in future
kept playing on them by ambitious bards. We cannot look so wel- they will be completed at Christmas and Midsummer.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMX&TES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Publis generally for a Catalogue, or Price
List of their Furnitt ra, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the furnishing of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the tot 1 cost of Furnishing the
whole house. THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80 Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: May 14, 1870.








MAY 21, 1870.1 FUN. 10

The Proof of the Pudding is in
the Eating. ARLIA R DO S
NOT exactly! after eating l ...
'Twould be well to wait awhile:
And before its praise repeating,
See how it affects the bile.
Poison even may be grateful
To the palate while we eat;
For its consequences hateful
Often come with tardy feet.
You may sup-your supper relish;
Proof of which next day we see-- ll
When wet cloths your brow embellish,
And you call for "S. and B."
You may ride and think it jolly-
'Tis next morn you feel so sore;
Morning proves an evening's jolly,
'Tis effects that we deplore.
Therefore I-its truth contesting-
From this adage hold aloof ;
For I look to the digesting
Of the pudding for its proof !

Bottled-up.
BARNEY O'BooBy is anxious to know
whether Mx. DIsRALId is an Irishman, as
he is so often spoken of as being a Cork- /
asian by descent.

Open to Observation.
TiE race for honours at the late show HARD ON THE CAPTAIN.
of The Royal Botanic Society was so
severe that many of the flowers werequite Captain :-" OFFICER'S TICKET TO "-
"blown." Clerk :-" FURTHER ON,-' PARLIAMENTARY AND DOGS "


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. A FEW REJECTED PICTURES,
It is a pleasant sign in these days, when people declare that That have not been painted.
SHAKESPnAit is completely played out, to see how well Miss Fame: BAYES. The Brighton Sham-fight: Con-
BOUVERIs'S Costume Recitals, at St George's Hall, are supported, Harvest Home: BARNES. BOULn.
although they are selections from the extinct dramatist in question. The Wedding Ring: BELL. The Sea-fog: HAYEs.
Of that lady's talent we have had occasion to speak ere now, but we The Response: CLARK. Bright Colours: HuHEs.
are glad to see that she is gradually developing her powers, and A Fiery Sky: COLE. Sorrow: JoY.
carefully and conscientiously maturing her intelligent readings of the Newcastle-on-Tyne: COLLIER. Rosa: LOBLEY.
various characters she has chosen for representation. Her quiet yet "Don't": Doo. Soft Slumber: PILLHAU. And
forcible acting is a pleasant contrast to the frothy elocution of her Melting Moments: FANNEirCn. A Dutch Subject: By A. BRoom.
immediate predecessor at the Hall. She is well supported by a small
but select company, and offers the British public a really intellectual
entertainment, which we are glad to see is so well appreciated by it. Police
WE congratulate the Chief Commissioner of Police on his coolness
under trying circumstances We have come upon this:-
Bravo, Newcastle The Chief Commissioner of Police has issued a cautionary notice to householders,
Mr. Headlam, though he knew he could not carry it, persisted in his amend- in view of the increasing number of burglaries and attempts at them in London and
ment. The House rose for the holidays, leaving it in debate. The men of the suburbs.
Newcastle held a meeting and gave their opinion so clearly, that on the re- Really, CAPTAIN HENDERnsON'S coolness is worthy of an old-a very
assembling of Parliament the first thing Mr. Headlam did was apologetically to old soldier! He anticipates our complaints of the increased number
withdraw his amendment.-d Daily Papers. of burglaries, by quietly telling us to look after that which his force
BRAvo, Newcastle Liberals, your party well you back, is specially paid to guard. The public has a right to call his attention
You'll have a representative, and do not like a sham! to the growing immunity of burglars, and the enlarged incompetence
So he who thought he was the HEAD before the Easter vac., of the police, but the Chief Commissioner has no right to ask us to do
When Parliament assembled, thanks to you, came bark a LAm(b). his work. We beg to recommend CAPTAIN HENDESON for the
Victoria Cross-for "coolness in action."
We said so!
IN noticing the new piece at the Prince of Wales's Theatre, we said Eastern Finance.
we expected the very blunder we find in a Boston paper just arrived :.-- Hss's an opening for a new Egyptian loan:-
In christening his new comedy Mr. T. W. Robertson has carried his fondness for A telegram from Alexandria announces that a new palace at Ramleh, near that
monosyllabic titles almost to the verge of absurdity. He calls it M. P." city, which has just been constructed for the Khedive at a cost of about 200,000,
At the lowest estimate M.P." must be two syllables. The fact is has been entirely destroyed by fire.
that duffers said the author of Caste, Ours, and School likes monosylla- Two hundred thousand pounds made light of in this way is a novelty
bles; and the remark is repeated ad nauseam by the bigger duffers who even in the East, where money is so carelessly squandered. When
deal in Polly-syllables-or parrot-like repetitions of what they hear. the fire was got under, the next thought naturally wks how to raise the
wind.
Going for a Song. REcoN- .ir.-A day of reckoning: Saturday.
"DEcornIvER" has given many a run to the followers of Her COaRECTrED RADING.-.Monkey's allowance: more kicks than ape.
Majesty's Stag Hounds. Is this "the hart for falsehood framed"? pence.

OL,. XI.








FUN.


[MAY 21, 1870.


?FUN OfLCB., Wednesday, Mfay 18th, 1870.
HERE is& more show titan speed about the progress of the Land
BilL thronghi the House. First of all the Irish M.P.'s- began
tm give: troubmIe. Themthe- English members didn't pull up to
collar.. LaflyEonD EBmno, by executing a number of irrelevant
hand-springsz a vpM-some.waytowards complicating matters. The
whip lashadlonmolitttalti.keep'the Liberal team in anything like
order, and! has nob, by sny-ms2am succeeded in getting the pace on.
However -t iaemanwhflholdhtieribbons is an accomplished) driver,
andcthereikinoafrafE-hiikfilinhgtalhadle the team successfully,,and,
ariiingacthisidetaf inini duetiiam.

Sia -Jbmr 'fam wn-rwho, whibe warning MR. CARDWEar off the
madortl efbsoti of ta .W aite seeaterysWip on HERBERT and LEWIS,
sai&XU-lha, come safb thruglt thew ordeal, omitted to show how he
gaihiedi ik mtmnity:. -llle inquiry- ito-the case of COLONEL Borx
has sinusexp&ihed tienmoble baronettb immunity, which we had been
inclined to, ti as as & paralleL of that of the drummer-boy,, who.
went sat whaew m a canno.r ball took off the heads of the grena--
dianbefore Biin.
SamJbom di not-eathis letters at the War-office, for he pleads, in
exensaeof thisallegedlpermission to COLONEL Boxa totake out patents,
thattthe passage wasdinterpolated in the letter he signed.
Everybody knows what that means I It means that Smi Jon was
a puppet secretary, permitted by the permanent officials to play
fantastic tricks," but made to follow the routine of the office. In this
case doubtless that routine was fair and just. COLONEL BoxEn, ill-paid
by his country as a Government,. had a right to make money out of
his country as a trader. Anyhow, Sin JosN PAxINGTON is not to be
complimented on his anxiety to cry, "Please, sir, 'twasn't.me,,sir! "

WE need no excuse for quoting from the Broad Arrow a paragraph
so full of common sense as the following :-
Now that a great number of regiments of Militia are out for their annual training,
it may not be inappropriate to suggest the advisability of the bounties being made
payable to the men by Post Office orders, or otherwise, on their arrival at their
respective homes, and of railway warrants being issued to the men instead of money
for travelling allowance, on the last day of training. This would save many men
from being robbed as they often are on their way home, and would be the means of
assisting recruiting, as the men would have their bounties to spend on arriving in
their respective country villages,.instead of returning home, as 'is frequently the
ase, under the influence of beerhouse drops, without money in their pockets. Mr.
Cardwell will do a great service to the Militia if he turns his attention to this
subject for a few minutes,
We have no hope that so sensible a reform will be carried out. No
steps have ever been taken to preserve our soldiers and sailors from'the
harpies who notoriously prey upon them, and so our militiamen can
hardly expect to be protected. We have no doubt that some red-tape
rule exists which makes a Post-office order an irregular and unrecog-
nisable means of transmitting money. Government Departments have
a pleasant way of looking on each other as perfect Pariahs, with
whom communication is defilement.

THE "Benevolent Association of London Coffee and Eating-house
Keepers will give its annual dinner at the Freemasons' Tavern, on
Wednesday, the l9th of May. The chair will be taken by Ma.
STANExY VICKERS, M.P., who will be well supported. We have much
pleasure in drawing attention to the anniversary of so deserving an
institution.

Expede-Venerem I
OUR contemporary, land and Water, commenting on ME. WATSON'S
picture of a Wild-duck-shooter in the Academy, says:-
Wild ducks, too (we mention this for the benefit of young housekeepers),
invariably have black toes.
Happy fellow, the writer of that! We have had some acquaintance
with ducks-even with "darling ducks" and "ducks o'diamonds,"
but we never dared ask even the wildest of them to allow us to peep
at the colour of. her little tootsies 1 But we are not young house-
keepers.

Gambling.
THE Faroe fishing is turning out successful. We are glad to hear
the speculators are getting fish, for Faro is always a lottery to some
extent.


A LETTER FROM LOW LATITUDES,
Being the Humble Petition of MARY ANN, Cook, touching the Proposed
Removal of the Knightsbridge Barraeks.
AWK a mussy, says I, when Isees it in
Lloyds, as I takes every Saturday
morning,
If they do move. the. barracks from
Knightsbridge. I says, well, here
goes to give missus a-warnn'-
Which stay in the place is a thing as I
can't-though a good 'un with lots
0 of perquizzits-
If none o' one's cousins,-as'is lifeguards,
you know, is. likely to. come paying'
visits.
And whatever them parties can think of,
as goes a-makin' theirselves deppy-
: -tations,
EtSVAL, A-arsking to have them there barracks
ElVAL removed, as had much better mind
their own stations,
jtyJd. BFA And calling' them. beautiful sojers "a
heye-sore"- as I sor with- grief
-- e and surprise!-
As if such a sight as them guards wasn't
just the-rewerse-which is good for
sore eyes.:.
Which it's.wulgar it is, their remarks
every-bit, like them' street-boys as
kicks up their rackets,
A-callin' em lobsters "-though why
I can't say, unless it's their wearing'
shelli'ackets,
There I i women ha& only -just got
their own rights, as is fought for,
I reads, by a MILr-
They'd find the removing' them barracks
at Knightsbridge a labour uncom-
mon uphill,
Which a biggerer hardshipp to 'ousemaids and cooks I'll trouble you,
sir, to discover-
For what's "Sunday out" ever good for, I arsk,.if on Sundays you're
out of a lover ?
And what's to become o' one's wages, you know-not to mention- per-
quizzits and cribbings-
For chiggnons is cheap nowadays-anid one "can't spend the 'ble o'
one's money on ribbings ?
When money weren't never no trouble at all,.as was freely and easy
expendid
In a, houting-on holidays when one went out with a guardsman for
beau as were splendid !
Which were six foot in 'ei'th, in an uniform red-as red as vermillum
could paint it-
(As is why England's arms is supported, they say, by Lion and
Uniform, ain't it ?)
With a curly mustache, and a elegant cane, in a costchoom genteel
and refined,
As there wasn't no fault to be found with except which the pockets
weren't wery well lined.
But what cook wasn't proud to, be 'andeome and. give all her wages to
fellers so handsomee F
Which supposing it sperrits or beer theyrequired, why who wouldn't
be 'appy to stand some?
But, escuse this 'ere rambling epistle, sir, please;, as I says to JANE
'ousemaid, says I,
As for movin' the barracks from Knightsbridge, I says, I have only to
say-let 'em try,
And see if I don't write a letter to FuN, as'll pretty quick bring 'em to
book,
Which, a-beggin you'lL do soyI signs myself, yours most respekfully,
MARTHANN, Cook.


Glad, to Hear it I
THs is- quite right!
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has directed his secretary to -inform a Birming-
ham gentleman that it is- proposed that- a liability-to licence' shall attach to any
person carrying a gun outside his house. Persons who are in the habit of shooting
sparrows in their gardens would incur the liability.
People who shoot small birds deserve to get pepper from the tax-
collector. Of course, one may fire at burglars, for though foul, they
are classed as birds of prey.









] F ~TjN'.-MAY 21, 1870.


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A TICKLISH TEAM.

Gladstone (to Fortescue):-"KNO; WE DON'T GET ON 'VERY FAST; THAT IRISH LEADER' IS SO DIFFICULT TO HANDLE. I ONLY HOPE YOUNG ELCHO'S TUMBLING WON'T MAKE BOTH OF THEM SHY!"


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MAY 21, 1870.] F UJN 113


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
AGAIN has victory crowned the efforts of your illustrious tipper-no
relation to the celebrated Brighton of the same name, although by the
way a deep draught of it has an inspiring and inspiriting influence.
Again, I say, has the selection of the prophetic peeper into the future
rushed to the fore, and if not absolute first, my choice secured second and
third places, thus saving the thousands invested upon them, and making
the reputation of the star of the present and future seasons, ArosP:ua.
Why should I hesitate to acknowledge that I feel the laurels mantling
thick upon mybrow, and know that the anxious eyes of the racing uni-
verse are fixed with a steady and intense gaze upon the seer, who, by the
aid of spells worked out with no larger cauldron than a quart pot, an&d
no more powerful wand, than a briar-root, is enabled to discern thP
mystic movements of majestically mounted monkeys-no jockeys-=as
they career on the fertile fields of the fruitful future, with its famous
failures for fillies, and curious coups for colts. Sir, in the exuberance
of my spirits I have written a little ditty, which will, without doubt,
strike home to the hearts of all true and- faithful backers. I am
looking about for a tune, but will give yfl'the words now :-
Our MARY ANN was five years old,
Our MARY ANN was fleet-;
And though she carried six stone nought,
She lifted up her feet
In such a manner that she led
E'en horses that could stay;
And tipsters,.4outs, and backers all
Cried, Well, ala:ck a-day!
"'Wti wouldihave thought she could have caught
'fhiforemost horses up ? "
SIhisparnedeth.eground, she went twice rount4
ATitwoante-Chester Cup!
I am having some ofi thiabove printed on finely toned paVae;lffr I
intend the air to be good, and; anticipate a large sale among imy.lvate
advice customers, who are getting very numerous; but' ty great
work of art is to be called The Song of the Succesftl'Welsher,"
I can only give you the following specimen, as ar endient firm are inv
treaty for its purchase; and much as I love you, business is business,
among racing magnates at all events :-
I went for "the Gloves on the Chester Cup,
Which our own MARY ANN she did land;
I should ha' been done had the favourite won,
But the. flimsies I've .got in my hand;
And I never will part with the coin any more,
But a shop I will open next week,
Where spring onions so ripe, with pigs' trotters and tripe,
Will be set off by savs and pig's cheek.
(Signed) Auusprn,
P.S. -- Should there be. anything vague or uncertain in the- opening
of this letter you must remember that I have had to take an apprentice
to the sporting correspondent branch of my business, and this is his
maiden effort. I have also got. two men carrying in and opening
letters, and I have a room full of presents from a grateful public who
h'uve followed my selection.,
2nd P.S.-Mother-in-law still here. Wants to know about my
business.
3rdP.S.-Shan't tell her though.

The Royal Literary Fund.
A mows solemn farce-and at the same time a more serious disgrace
to Literature-than the annual dinner of the Royal Literary Fund, it
would be difficult to conceive. Out of the list of distinguished guests
-numbering nearly forty-there is hardly a name that is known in
connection with Literature. Duffers and Dilettanti divide the glory
with LoRD DuFrERIN as Chairman, and their sole object would seem to
be-next to making themselves ridiculous-the pauperising of
Literature. The toast of "Literature, Science,and Art;' was responded
to by a Sm J. F. BATEMAN and Sm DIGeBY W A&r~ though-what the
former respondent has to do with art, science, or literature, we confess
ourselves unable to state. Perhaps he was selected as a namlnesake of:
an actress of some slight notes! Some idea may be fomnied of the sort'
of people- who represented Literature, when we say that the most
familiar name was that of MR. TOM TATLOn, who is best known for
unacknowledged adaptations from the French. We regret that even
so small a sum as Nine hundred and odd pounds should have been
collected for such a fund. It would have been better employed if it
had been given to the Newspaper Press Fund.,

THe COMPLETE L-TrER WRITER.-Oln who dotf i's and ciosses t's.


WATERY.
WE learn from a local paper that there has been a Band of Hope
Conference," at Dewsbury, at which it is stated a large proportion
of the delegates were young women." It would appear there wore
several old women of the opposite sex. We have not space to devote
to the general inanities of Bands whose Hope of becoming intelligent
beings would seem to be small, but we must quote one paragraph of
the report to show the class of intellect represented:-
Mr. Thomas Carter (Bradford Batd of Hope Union) agreed with the paper on the
whole, but said he should not touch the question of females reciting. He would,
however, ask the managers of the Bandoof Hope to he very careful in choosing who
should recite. At Bradford they started what they call a Life Boat Crew, composed
of youths who were good reciters, and some of them were really very clever, but
whether they did any good was doubtful. (Hear, hear.) One young man, who was
very" clever at reciting piecee-sueh- as were given at Band of Hope meetings, he
(the speaker) recollected very ell. He went on from on from one thing-to another, from
less to more, from bad to wors.he began to read Shakfepare; and now there was
reason to believe he had brolthis pledge
THI unhappy young mai*went from bad to worse"- from CARTER
to SBiAKEsPAiEn I Having'made acquaintance with SHAXESPEA E, he
does not surprise us by cutting his donnection'with'Water and ARTER !
Of: course, by Band of Hope-lesgwlogic, his reading SHAKESPEARE-
especially Cassio on stAong drink ihduced him to break the pledge.
We ought-to~-dtanother exnuet from the report:--
Mist'. Hannah Allerton now rose andvwas received wIti much applause. She
spoke Under the influence of strong-
Wei,-" strong' emotion," but if it had baeti: strong "--anything
else;, s64 could! not have talked more nonsense. There is no worse
intoxication thaA that produced by inordinuat 'insla~gae in conceit
and vanity.

X A Y INVITAT3T .
Very Seasonable.
SwEEn Queed of the Bay,,
A-Baying we'll go,.
lBr this is the day
Por Bayingayof dow!
Though the wind's a Dorth-easter that blows,
As it's Bay there's do more to be said;
And you dotice I sing through by dose,
Because I've a cold in by head-
By head I
Because I've a cold in by head! [Left sneezing.

Rem Acu 1
WHitN ME. WHALLEY. declared he heard cries of "Kick him
Strangle him! other M. P.'s who sat near him stated most positively
that they heard nothing of the kind. But MR. WHALLEY was right,
and they were wrong.. They forget what long-we should say, what
acute ears he has.

gwatfsn fa aS rivDsuaixts.
[We cannot return unaccepted MA8S. or sketches, unless they are -accom.
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we, do not held ourselves
responsiblefor loss..
H..G.-What Is the meaning of the enclosure ?
A CO WrSPONDENT who has inundated us with nonsenslcal remarks on
"cheap licences to shoot" is recommended to avail himself of the cheapest
we know.. He'll find lots of places where he will be allowed to shoot
rubbish gratis.
R. H. B. (Bristol).-We spare the aged.
H. S. B. (Stockwell).-No, thank youl Better re-write your MS..beforo
sending it out again, it is getting much worn.
J. C. M. (Dublin).-Not in our powet to grant your request.
MASTER S. (Sherborne).-We do not answer idle questions.
BEARDLESS BOY.-We cannot assist you, young shaver; Mtihodt getting
into a scrape fo ptubliAihi suclfbarefaced nonsense.
LANB-CIAB AND MEErsceAM (Bernttudc);-.Wj rtgrbt that, as the
Irishman said, we can't meet you half way, now you've come all this
distance.
S. H. B.-Send to somar epea piratical print that lives by pilfering from
better papers.
Declined with thanks:-FT- R., Hoxton; Antonio; S K.,-Glasgow;
Toodles; Bridgewater; B. G., Keigley; Xr Oxon; F Kfataffe'las. T.,
Lambeth; St; Colunb; A. A.; A. E. W.; L. T. C., Pimlico; W. F. R.,
Liverpool; F. K.; L. P.- Barney's See;.E. W.; Simo; O.H..;,StiCiair,
Elgin; Codger; B. B.; N., Norfolk'street ; A. T.) Camberwell; St. Mun-
go; C. V., King William-street; Booby; H. G. Junlor; F. P., Mgan-
chester; H., Bury St. Edmituds'; Monionianac; Vishy' Vagsy; Anti.
Dizzyite M. P.; Horatius; Pip; Nunnyhammer; S. T., Kingsland;
B. F. T. Curio; L. M., Leeds; J.J. ;.P., Birmingham; Q in the Comer;
Sham; W. W.; S. S. B.; f., Dalston ; Nemo.








IFUN.


[MAY 21, 1870.


BOTTLED!
Mrs. Jenkins (anxious that her visitor should know she doesn't keep such things in the house) :-" HERE, PoLLY, GO
'OUSB, AND BRING A PINT 0' RUM."
Mrs. Tomkins :-" AND MIND, DEAB, YOU NEEDN'T SAY WHO IT'S FOR."
folly (innocently) :-" BUT, LEASE M', THEY'LL KNOW THE BOTTLE! "


CHATS ON THE NAGS.
MAY.
THo Sunday Magazine contains an exceptionally good instalment of
"Episodes in an Obscure life." Mr. Jones's Customer is a really
delightful paper. Miss FYVxE contributes a clever bit of verse, and
the pictures are rather above the average.
In Good Words we have a very pleasant tropical letter from CHARLES
KINGSLEY. "A Lark's Flight" is not the best thing we have had
from MR. BUCHANAN, and MISB INGELOW'S Songs with Refrains "
are decidedly not up to her usual mark. The other contents are
pleasant reading, and there are some excellent illustrations, though
Ms. PnrwauE's picture to a Winter Song" does not please us.
St. Paul's gives us a capital story in Editor's Tales, No. 6." MRs.
BRUMBY, in some form or other, is familiar enough to every one who
has swayed editorial sceptre, A Gage d'Amour is in the neatest
style of vers de socidte, and shows A. D. in a new light. We are
curious to see something more sustained from a pen which has achieved
so much in this magazine.
This month's Good Words for the Young is a capital number. At
the Back of the North Wind is as interesting as ever, and the other


ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-


contents are varied and pleasant. Of the pictures, almost all are good'
but the best is the frontispiece, "Paddy and Lime'us," which is
charming.
Glorious Apollo.
OUR able contemporary the Sun-roused no doubt by the per-
sonalities of Ma. NORMAN LOCKYER and others as to certain spots on
its face-has determined to do away with one cause of complaint, by
appearing in the morning as well as the evening. We wish it all
success most heartily. May it rise every morning-in circulation;
and go down every evening-with the public.
NOTICE.-At the end of June will be published,
NICHOLAS'S NOTES,
With other Writings by the late W. J. PSowsB. Edited by Tox HooD.
ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, Broadway.
NOTICE.-Many subscribers having complained of the inconvenience of the
FUN volumes ending at irregular divisions of the year, it has been deter-
mined to bring the present volume to a close in June, so that in future
they will be completed at Christmas and Midsummer.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Mesmrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Pubhelic generally for a Catalogue or Price
List of their Furniture, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the FURNISHING of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES (in preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the total cost of Furnishing the
whole house.
THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 121, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: May 21, 1870'


114


II :







MAY 28, 1870.] U" 11


BUTTER.
IT is not that I'm forced to Bant,
Because too stout my friends suppose me. I ,.
With no superfluous flesh I pant:
Four miles an hour by no means blows me.
Yet of the viand-'tis too true--
A resolute unswerving cutter,
I never-no, I never do,
Nor ever will partake of butter !
I am a poet! I have penned
In epics countless scores of verses;
Aye, and of tragedies no end!
Those no one prints-these none rehearses.
Yet friends have praised my genius-wit-
With warmth that set my heart a-flutter.
They didn't mean it-not a bit!
Their eulogies were simply butter !
I tried the publishers; and then
The magazines I plied, untiring.
The editors, inhuman men,
Declined with thanks my verse aspiring.
I thought of suicide-I said
I'd grace a stretcher or a shutter.
I swore I'd cut my throat! Instead
Of that, I only cut my butter.
I took my tragedies about, w'
And one at every playhouse planted.
For weeks, the prey of hope and doubt,
The dim stage-entrances I haunted.
Each after each declined my plays,
Against the fates I 'gan to mutter-
I bade them out my thread of days
As sternly as I cut my butter!
For, oh, what agony was that
I felt-all other anguish capping!
When taking home my modest pat
I first removed its paper wrapping.
A hand familiar caught my eye-
What words my grief and shame can utter! HI G H LY ABSURD I
"Declined with thanks" in days gone by, Colossal Swell (to Small Crossing-sweeper) : -- "Giva You A PrNNY I
My Ode to Greece" was wrapping butter! wov LD-O rLY I'm ApraD rr woLD cover you !"


PICKINGS FROM THE PRESS. THE YACHTSMAN'S JODEL.
SCENR.-The Smoking-room of the Nlegatherium Club. BROWN and I LOVE the sea-the boundless sea,
JONES it Conversation upon the Topics of the .ay. Where the waves run high and the wind blows free I
Where the sea-gulls cry, and the breakers roll,
BaowK.-I say, JoN s, you know something of newspapers, can you And a briny beauty encrusts the soul.
tell me if it is true that any of our English journals are in the pay I love-I love the sea.
of the French Emperor One is always hearing rumours of that sort I love the sea-the boundless sea!
of thing.
JoNRs.-For the honour of English journalism let us hope they are The thunder may growl in a deep bass key,
not true. Let us see how the leading dailies spoke of the plebiscitum The lightning may flash, and the breeze may howl,
-if I remember rightly they all testified emphatically against it. And the storm in its fury may shriek and growl.
BuowN.-Ahl! that would be interesting. Let us see. I love-I love the sea.
JoKms.-Well, let us begin with the Jupiter. Here's the Times-I I love the sea-the boundless sea!
see it says, "The plebiscitum was a blunder from beginning to end; But I'm sorry to say that it doesn't love me.
and it will be fortunate if he who is alone responsible for it is so far When the wind pipes loud, and the billows roar,
ready to acknowledge his error as to exert himself to the best of his I always consider I'm best on shore.
abilities to repair it." The Daily News holds that, "No peaceful I love-I love the sea.
progress is possible in France until that political understanding which I love the sea-the boundless sea !
the Emperor's irresistible passion for a plebiscitum destroyed has been (If it didn't bound we should better agree),
restored." The Standard tells us, "It is probable that France will IAnd I spoke in the abstract, of course, just now
recover this shock to her sense of security in the Empire, but it is an When I mentioned the tempest might make a row.
experiment which, it is to be hoped, has been made for the last time. I love-I love the sea.
No government can survive many such triumphs as this." And I see
that the Pall Xall Gazette gives it the Emperor pretty strongly. You I love the sea-the boundless sea!
see they all speak out on the subject. But-let this remark in strict confidence be-
BuowN.- So they do-but we have missed one paper. What does When the ocean is smooth as a duck-pond's breast,
the Telegraph say p And the wind is hushed-oh, 'tis then that best
Jow ss.- So we have-here it is, the Daily Telegraph says that it I love-I love the sea!
"only sees in the result of the plebiscitum a frank confession, by two Margate.
millions of Frenchmen, that the Emperor has done all that a year ago
they supported the Opposition for promising to obtain. No more Law!
emphatic encouragement of Napoleon III. and his Premier in the path THis is satisfactory:-
on which they have so courageously entered could have been desired A police justice at Richmond recently fined his father-in-law five dollars for
than Sunday's brilliant reversal of the vote of 1869." getting drunk.
BnowN.-Oh! Of course the justice rose superior to the law-especially as the
Jow s.-Ah! [Exeunt Smiling. representative of the law, the father, couldn't stand on his legs, nohow I

VOL. XI. a








116


FUN7


0V I yN OFFIOE, Wflidnss3&iqJ- y 25th, 1870.
R HE Irish Land Bill seems. to, be-getting over the ailments
inseparable from infancy. lfha-d convulions, and has cut
r its teeth-or rather its clauses-with great. difficulty in some
instances. At one time4it.didliot seem to .glton at all, but now
its vitality appears to have retirnedjlandits protd' nrme,- the Premier,
may carry it ot of. the HouaewitBpardd&abl pide. Tlit it has so
well passed through thedaaaersrof.t. earlycllood',adue entirely
to his able managembentaid skill. Some, of ithuclausestould never
have got through at all,! butifor the experience ohM&M-LGA-STONE in,
rubbing metaphorical gumsa

THE festival of the Hospitalfor Diseases of ite Throat, Golden-
square, will be held on the 29th'instantVat the Freemasons' Tavern,
under the presidency of the EAE&or Powis. We cordially commend!
this admirable institution to thbiattention of our readers, knowing.
what great benefits it has confined on invalids whose means would
not allow them to procure sucNh medical attendance as they get for
nothing at the Hospital. Diseases of the throat and lungs are very"
prevalentamong the poorer classes, exposed as they are to the changes-
of our fickle climate, and the-chhrity therefore deserves the support oft
the benevolent.

The Orderrofathe Bath.
SoMn people have odd ways!-
On Saturday, Stalybridge dressed itself in holiday attire to--receive, in a, formal'
way the public baths which have beetrgenerouslyipresented- to the people by Mr.
and Mrs. Platt, of Dunham Hall. The cestof'thisgustmfaddition to the sanitary
arrangements of the town is 6,000.
We should not consider dressing ourselves- in holiday attire the.
best preparation for taking a bath !

Pat to the Question.
WE welcome New Ireland, our youngest:contemporary) asran-efficient,
aid towards the settlement of the Irish question. Its programme is"
new, as the programme of an Irish national paper:-
We appeal not to arms; but to hearts andfto heads. Ireland's. redemption must
be wrought out by purity, by sincerity,-by unity, by patience, There is no nostrum
by which the evils begotten of centuries can be cured in a day.
This is a novelty indeed-one which we. hope will not.wear. oft;,

An AmeriCan N-bte.
E LLYt we might take a leaf out of the book of our American
cousins, in spite of its having a green-back;. It- has been decided
in Congress that the U.S. Postmaster- General "has the power to
prevent the circulars of swindlers being -sent through' the- mails."
Couldn't the Postmaster General of U.S. Britons be, similarly
empowered ?

Piddle-de-dee.
WE have discovered, from profound'study of Roman History, that
the Emperor Nero although he played the violin very nicely while
Rome blazed-was little better than a fool for doing it. He is to be
regarded, in fact, as the Pagan-ninny of his day.

Positively comparatively.
THE South Iondon Press thus rhapsodises :-
Pleasant Sidcup! The thought of it in its spring freshness is sufficient to set our
hearts longing to be there, sharing the entertainment of Host Watkins at the Black
Horse, surrounded by all that is loveliest in scenery, the-world forgetting, by the
world forgot."
" Pleasant Sidcup by all means-but think of yet pleasanter Cider-
cup.
Marry- come .up.
WHAT flower should supersede orange-blossom in the case of a bride
who seloils herself for money F-Marry-gold.

A MANTLE SHELF.-A. lady's shoulders.
ALAnMs, Excuvaoxs."-The right man in the right place : MB.
Coox in Greece.


FMAY.285, 1970.


DOUBLE ACROSTI,,. No1 168.
Now is the early green of springincreased..
And deepened; and the lengt'einingdaogdraws out.,.
The year's too rapid youth has clearly ceased,.-
And its maturity is here, ppst doubt.,
1. If of "little wee dog" they th-eir sausages make,
My objection is not very big"
For this home of Trichina internally take-
The folks, who eat sausage otpig !'
2. In CLEOPATIA'S time 'twas somethiig-rare---
A gem in price all other gems beyond '
But now a bivalve anything but -fair;
It dwells neglected in a muddy pond.
3. Hoky, poky, wanky, fum !,
That's the spell that makes them.comef ,
Spirits rapping--
Spirits tapping-
Spirits that are all a 'hstm!
So to fools sensation giving;
Honestly I make a living,
Fools love folly, mind you--- um!n
4. "An official expounder of .XMAHoME s laws" ;.
Perhaps you can tell me now what is theicause
Of the custom of swells, not iniuniformn clad,
To describe themselves thus, my competitive lad!
5. A beardless boy, a gallant yo ,tir
He England's coloursbore;
And planted them where theyJiayAruthM
Had ne'er been seen before
Then in the breach of the[ Redan
He died, an English gentleman,..
6. The skipper eyed the distant craft,-
He bade them bring his glass abaft.
I think she's a pirate!"
Said he, growing.irate,,
"I don't like the look of her"-this-J. and-he laughed..
SOLUTION or AcRoSTIO No. 166.-Lbth&dr, Bomance-: LIear, Otto,
Trim, Henna, Astrakan, Ionic, Rouge.
COnMECT SOLUTION OF ACnosTrC No. 166 nrCEIVED MAY 18.-Malice; H.ar-
penden; Raby's Ghost.

Hark, hark, the Dogs do bark I
AnD what is more the-beggars are coming toutow-i- coming to beg
not for themselves but for our four-footed friends, in whose interests
we gladly admit ourselves beggars also. Tie Committee of -the
" Home for Lost and Starving Doys is in need of funds, and a bazaar
in a:d of the- Society will be held at Willis's Rooms< on the S8th-and 9th
of next'month.
SThe objects of' the Home are thausbriefly andclearlydAescribed in.
the Bazaar prospectus:-
This Institution was established to rescue lost dogafromnmisery and starvation,;
to clear the streets from thenuisance, of straying. or ownerless dogs ; to substitute.
for cruel .processes a merciful, .instantaneous, and-painless scientific method, of
destroying them when absolutely necessary; to, do, away with exorbitant rewards.
for recovery of lost dogs, by restoring.themn at-a price remunerative only of expense
and trouble; and to find fresh- owners for many valuable and useful ones- brought.
to the "Home." ,
There is nothing ridiculous or Q.uixoti' in such an undertaking' to a
right mind, which appreciates GOnIDmGB's lines--
He prayeth best, who laveth best
All things both great and small ;
For the dear God whodloveth us -
He made and loved-them alt.
Those, who remember how the fall of the:sparrow is noted; will nt-.
fail to assist an institution which so aids man's best.friend,the.,
faithful and affectionate dog.

Moore or LIess.
A canTIC-well, we suppose we must call him so-in. reviewiig-To-T.
Moons' Odes of Anacreon says:-,
The name of Moore as translator is a suffiienbtguarantee of the truth of the,
ranslations.
Anacreon is doubtless Greek to:this critic, in more senses than, one; but
we should have thought that any one .would have known, that: as a
guarantee for the accuracy of the.translation-of the OdesAthe name ofi
iooRB means LITTLE.

THiE FLO' or SouL.-FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. -


I -







MAY' 28,-1870.] F U Nh .. 117


OUR SCHOOL'.
BY A Bia Boy.
OWA ever any fellow when he grows up ci
sham he cares about his old school, and r
j gards his late master with affection I'm ble
if I know. When I'm a man, if ever I con
liabk to Birchington House, it will be
punch old SWITOHAM'S confounded head f
Shim "I'm going to leave next holidays f
T good, and I mean to shy an inkstand at hi
'before I go. Oh, yes, I shall! If I thii
i/ You want to know"What our fellows a
like. Why they're just like other fellows
.'6theras6hools. And wedo just the same ki
c. .'things you know: grub-spreads of a nig
on th, sly, and bolstering matches, and i
.that. Oh, mind ye, school would be an awfully jolly place if the
were 1o lessons, and-no masters.-and no getting-up early in the mor
ing. Epecdaljy if' the pitman cam6 every
day, and there *as nothing topay. Wouldn't
it be prime ?
sYeu don't know JACK TnAw-amss, do you
He is a queer chap! Such -a careless fellow
-never has his hair neat, or 'his clothes
decent. As for his bo dog's-eared are torn-out. 'He's always in
rows because the leates;here -the lesson is
are sure to be out of 'is boek, and then, you
know,-he can't learn, of 'c irse, and-oh, my!
-doesn't 'SwITCHAM give it him! But 1he
don't dare a dump, bless you. :He's as hard
as nails. He ain't a bad fellowneither-only
ifkyou le td him your knife or anything, I'll
bet yenonever see it again. He's such a chap
to lose things-he loses -everything, bar his
temper. I haveseenhhnllose.thattoo! ;as-
a plucky one, I can tell you, thoueghtee-:al-t
big. Didn't he thrash JoE TAR;wA !
JoE TARan~r's the bully of our school-
leastways he was before he and TAAWTLESS
had it out. He isn't cock of the school now, ___
though! As soon 1vj---.
as chaps found JACKe
: I o could lick him, it seemed to occur to to them to
oh i i e if they couldn't do it too, andthey-rathoer toi
Sait out of JoE, I can tell you. It was a
So along of his bull ying little TOMMy TWITTI
i because -he .wouldn't do his exercise. Ai
'T JACK saidj'if TARRANT couldn't 'do'his o0
oe I -worki-he ought to do as he did-take the cai
forit,aandhold his'tongue,.not go bullyir
other-fellows to 'do'his work for him. (
i courseg-T4RANT said hed' lick JACK, and JAC
S.toldhim he'd better: try. TABRRANT turn
e up his sleeves .ad jawed a good deal, bt 1
n didn't mean fighting, and JACK gave' him t
coward's blow, -and so he was forced I
fight. And JACK licked:Ahhntarow.
SIt-was,aCgoed'job foryouvg SNOGGLY, the new boy, that TAnRAN
gota.whQppiog the very .dayhe came'to the school'flrst, or 'he"'d'hav
hadi ajollyt imof 'it, I can telleyou I 'What
ever 'do .you think? IHe came in gloves!
Andhe he d ,a N.fourGald-nin0penny gossamer
on! He did just look soft. Every fellow
does, I think, when first he goes to school, '1
but he soon gets all that knocked out Of'him,
and he doesn't seento- remember when a newly
chap comes that he himself was exactly like
him when. he first came. Lor bless ye, we
knocked SXoeerGE's hat into 'a 'pancake in '
two-twes, andigothim oratof hiasgloves in no
time. You would have laughed to see how
silly '-he looked. Helsgrown out.of all'that I
now though. New 'chaps soon lose their
greenness. SNOGLEr's no end of a fellow
now, and don't he just play up larks with the
new boys, that's all!
There's only one chapI reg'lar.'don't ke
at our school, and that's PyBus Major--OLD ,
GaueMPs we call him. Ain't he a sulky fel-
low! He thinks all the fellowsre against 4
him, when in: reality -it's he that's against all 'n"


the fellows. If you happen to take him up in class, my eye, isn't he
savage. He threatened to do for young CHAFFERS, because he was
first in arithmetic and got the prize he ought to have had if he hadn't
lost his place. The fellows all say he tried to poison CHArFEns in a
Se- tart, but I don't think it was anything
r worse than slate-pencil dust he put in
ne it. The only jolly thing about him
as is that he regularly defies old
or SwiIcna. 'SWITCHAM can't make
or anythuW fitm-if he won't learn, he
Mor won'ftlarnt1A SWrTCHAM might flog
an_ hAim raw, ad:he wouldn't be able to
....Make him Umrn. It's a downright
lhearkto see*wtreu A blowing-up and
re trying to make OLD GRauMPrs cestrue, *ten
at I hhaigade up: his mind not to I
nd The swll& f our school is AKTanRT& ai Is
ht JULIA 'We call him. He is ieur-
ll -boarder, and' bas lots of pocket-mooy. 'What '
re he Spends on lpomatum would Abeep. an or-
a-, inary 6chafctfortably in tat. He dei't
Seat tarts, MlBsyoul Says try1re.badi f i'
Sthe cobl*exion. He wears a rit1! Adm i
isn't hea'4hap for neck-tied! When he's
drest for ch0trh of a Sunday he just is a tip-
topswell, Iean tell you, with patent boOs
ad a floweri ii bis button-hole--aid' his hsir
'*'Ila.too, andhlelbas a watch-gua4d. Jaxaer
SIManmos,l at the ft-office,is awfuly in love
with him, also s1ifs IWxsE at 16ss BANs-
HAM''s 6schoM,-laW! Ae ilhas a loag Ilist of
sweethearts, aid 'sends off abodt da dozen
va"dtia~s every year. An'd don't tho get .a-
I 6ttoo-- tteme embad ones, but' htit'& from
alWlOs thl't are jaalous df thiim. MIss.
Sw-r tO hiAthiAka him -su*BO(a oa geMl~e-
a aind'hlls"thai ll staAfiteokldlike Vw
'|a 1i& if iyft go, out -with hi-Jaoly it's
\ i i slW,' e hewiaarth i ap andlown IAhsteb*t 'for the
girls to stare atinm.
The stupidest chap in our school is Dick ~Ieo. He can't learn!
He isn't like PYBus.eho won't learn and don't oate. 'He wants to get
on dreadful, for he says his mother can
hardly afford to keep him at school; but he
says somehow he finds what he reads all
Ao,' swims about and gets muddled, and what he
a oe learns by heart goes clean out of his head
e the moment he stands up in class. I don't
id think old SwITCHAM ought to thrash him as
r ^nd he does, because it isn't his fault, you see,
Is poor chap! He does fag away, but it's no
ke o use. He scrubs all the elbows of his jackets
)g out leaning on the desk; and his hair-it
Won't lie smooth any how if you brush it for
A U a week-all along of his keeping always
isw "scrubbingit upon end -as he sits mugging
Le at his lessons.
Pe I say-if you'were to call and see me, you
to might ask old SWITOHAM to give us a half-
eT holiday, and wouldn't that be jolly. And, I
T i say, Mother S. kept back my pocket-money' because I broke a window
quite by accident. mTips" are jolly just! And we're going to have a
feast in our bedroom next week, and we want a cake and some wine.
'We should like sherry, but currant will do. Ginger is too hot, it makes
you so thirsty, doesn't it ?
P.S. Don't let SwiToHAm see this.
P.P.S. If you do come, you might ask SWITCHAo to let me go and
dine with you at the Red Lion. Awfully jolly that!

De-seat-fUll' !
Wz clip this from a religious contemporary:-
The annual meeting of the members a-id friends of the Baptist Missionary Society
was held in'Exeter IHall on Thursday last. The chair was taken by J. J. Colman,
Esq., of Norwich, and was well filled bythe leading supporters of the society, both
I of town and country.
Rather hard upon MR., CoLMAw, to have to find room for so many in
the chair. We only wonilerhe did not ask to be ex-squeezed."

Supposed to be Mounted.
Or all works of art, statuettes are perhaps most even in merit-they
are so frequently "bracketed."








118 FUN. [MAY 28, 1870.





































TOUTE AUTRE SHOES.
Vagrant:-" OUT O'wonK, Miss! I SAY; YzR DON'T WANT NOTHING O'THIS SORT-JUST FOR LUCK, AND TO GIVE A POOR CHAP THE
PRICE OF A PINT!"

AT IT AGAIN I Through the varied events of this mortal existence
I've always adopted my obstinate way.
IN my juvenile era, when father and mother I believe on the whole in a little persistence,
Were teaching my infant ideas to shoot, And practise it thoroughly day after day.
I was always in some sort of mischief or other, I've a muse that's as lively and gay as a kitten,
Directly those infant ideas took root. She burns with a fury I cannot restrain;
When my parents discovered a petty transgression, So supposing you don't like the verses I've written,
They flogged me with most of their might and their main: I mean very soon to be at it again" !
But I own-though I blush while I pen the confession-
The whipping once past, I was at it again !
When I plunged into love-and once more I sit blushing!- A Spice of Humour.
My obstinate qualities followed me still. WHAT a vast amount of misapplied ingenuity is there expended in
I divided my days between glooming and gushing; the direction of "patents." We observe that Mn. R. SPICE, London,
I drest very mcely and looked very ill. claims protection for improvements for forcing liquids into porous
I proposed-but, of course, to be calmly rejected,- substances." Man is, himself, essentially a "porous substance," and
No matter, my rage and regret were in vain. to force liquids into him would be-teste Sis WnxmaBD LAwsoN-a
There were girls by the score to be wooed, I reflected- decided act of souper-erogation.
And, after a while, I was at it again "!
I believed there was fame to be had for the asking; To Anti-Female Suffragans !
The principal question was how to begin. NOT the effect of woman's influence here :-
I was full of the hopes and the pleasures of basking
In public applause and the popular tin. on Friday the girls employed at Airdrie Cotton Mills, possessed by Messrs. John
In public applause and mthe popular tr Houldsworth and Co., Glasgow, struckwork at breakfast-time for an increase of 4d.
But the managers treated my tragedy rudely; per cut on their warps. By dinner-time their demand was granted, and work was
My novels met merely with utter disdain. resumed.
There's a call for an epic, said I, very shrewdly- Between breakfast and dinner the sweet things contrived to "warp,"
So, lo and behold, I was at it again the opinions of their stern employers. .Duzfmina facti, indeed!-the
When I thought of a scheme to recruit my fmances, ducks !-Dus fmina factory !
Quoth I, a rich widow may probably pay.
I had long ago quitted my boyish romances, A Musical Query.
And now I made love in a sensible way.uical Query.
She had cash in the funds, but I missed it completely; On what kind of violin did Tartini play his famous Trille du .Diable
I got but a "No" for my trouble and pain. On a fiddle-de-D-.
So I said, I must manage in future more neatly;
And soon I was ardently at it again "! THE cup that neither cheers nor inebriates : The hic-cup.





I I I


1,


RUBBING ITS GUMS,
Mrs. G.- "BLESS ITS LITTLE HEART! IT WAS A LONG TIME GETTING THXT THIRD ONE THROUGH, BUT
IT'S DOING VERY NICELY NOW!"


F J UN .-MAY 28, 1870.


I ^
,-^-


l\\







\ ~ 2,isojFUN'. 121


Thwith mud through a 'ole in the roof, at last I heardd 'em sing out,
SHere's the Bobby a-commn'," and away they scampered.
I cameout of. that shed a mask of mud and all of a trimble just in
THE STATE OF THE SERPENTINE. timne.for to be collared by two park-keepers, as is the same as perlice.
WVE 'ard tell of earthquakes and sich like, s will en of a Says one on em, "You're a nice disrepitable old character a-encouragin'
VE eard tell of earthquake and ich like, ais wihe open of a them boys, and of a Sunday too."
sudden and swaller you all up like Lisbon as is where 1 know'd I says, You're nice price for to let a lady be run off 'er legs by a
a Portygee gent come from, as once lodged with me and 'ada t of ug a-t a q quiet walk." Says the perlice, Don't you be
picter on it, and howeverr anyone could'ave set there and drawed so er e I'runyouin, lady or no lady "
it on the quiet, with the housess a tumbling about 'is ears, and the sea sarsy, ese I'll'ave the law on the lot on you if ever I gets over this
a-comin upa a-drownin', everything as the earthquake hadn'tt been 'ere outrage, as would disgrace the 'Ottenpots; as wouldn't never
and swallered up, ando I cank t think allow a river to be drawed off for a trap to ketch parties unawares."
aBut, as stick at notayink. I'm sure as never nSays the perlice, "Whatever business 'ave you got a-larkin' ahout
But, as Iwere a-sayin', I'm sure as never no earthquake in this in the mud with a lot of boysI"
world couldn't be wuss than that there Serpintine, as is turned I says, Me lark about," I says, why, I was drove like a ox to the
regular bottom uppermost, as the saoin' is, and well parties might be slaughter house as don't 'old with none of them mudlarks, as is wile
drowned in it, for there's'oles all about it for all theworld like graves, characters in the general way; but," I says, "young man, jest give a
as 'ave provedtwatery graves no doubt to thousands, as-some 'ave been eye round and see, if you can, what's become of my umbreller, as I
drove to, let alone them as 'ave met their deaths through a-walkin' values through a-belongin' to a departed friend as 'ave been twice
into it in afog, and them boys a-bathin' as is highlyy dangerous though covered with a new handle. "
not allowed after six nor before eight, as in course is public decency. I must say as they was both werry civil when they'd heardd me out;
I'm sure I never was more took aback than a-walkin' out one Sunday and found my umbreller, leastways wot were left on it as wasn't much
afternoon, the end of last Febuary, jest for to see the quality a-showin' more than the ribs and the ferril, for the stick was broke in two places,
theirselves inKensington Gardins in their best clothes, as is their and the alpacker in ribbins.
fashionable abits. along, when all of a sudden I says The work as them perlice 'ad to get me up that bank side were
I were dawdln' along, when all of a sudden I says to M s. tremendous through it bein' that steep, and they wouldn't never avo
PADwiCK, "Why,wherever'ave become of the Serpintine?" She say, done it but for one a-pulin' at me while the other put is 'ead atween
Drawed off for cleaning my blade bones and kep' a-buttin' at me gentle.
I says, Couldn't it be done without that, as 'ave been there ever When they did get me up I set down on a empty gas pipe, and
since the world was begun, and Kn p GEORGE itselff did use to bathe thought as I never should 'ave got my breath agin. There wasn't
in as was saved from drown'' by a old apple woman as I well reme- many about through its bein' quite dusk, but a young feller come up
bers did used to ave a stall close again the waterfall at the other end and says, "Read this, fallen sister, as is the Backslider Rebuked.'"
as pulled 'im up by the roots of 'is 'air, as saved 'is life though painful, I says, "In course I know I'm fallen, but no fault of mine. Look
and a mercy as it weren't a wig; as only-shows as nater is stronger 'ere, if you comes a worretin' me with your rubbish, I'll give you wote
than hart, not but what the wigs always was that deceitful as you'd take left of my umbreller about your back."
'emfor real. Not as they showed much hart in turning' away that poor He says, I only meant to warn you."
old creetur stall and all as did used to set there, and I considers rude I. says, "If you'd warned me afore going' near the 'edge you'd
in the DUKE or WnELLI'ToN for to call her a squatter, poor thing, 'ave done some good; and as to me bein' a bach slider, I aint' one no
afore the 'Ouse of Lords, as in course couldn't keep standing' about more than you are, for I went down 'ead fust agin' my will, and," I
all day. says, "I've stepped in pools of mud as is over my ancles, and," I'says,
So says Ms. PADWICK, Oh, they was obligated to for to get at the "I never were, as I considers, bold in a gal, and there ain't a bit of ice
bottom on it as were that corroded, and certing death for anyone to as'll bear, for I heardd it a-crunchin' under me at every step."
fall on though soft." Well," says the perlice, you're well out on it this time, but don't
"But," I says, "surely they don't call this cleaning' of it," as is you go a-rampagin' about that river no more or you'll get yourself
nothing but a 'eap of filth, as 'ad been froze over till the thaw set in, into a 'ole."
and looked like the bottomless pit for blackness, let alone bein' all up, I says, It's a.. shame for to leave it like that as any body.might.
in eaps. walk into in the dark, but," I says," I shall see ifeI can't take the law
So, I was a-lookin' about me, and Mas. PADWICx says to me, "If "ag' some one f6r this," and up I gpts and 'obbles 'ome,with some
you wants for to get a putrid fever, you'll.stand.'ere a-inailin' this idjots as kep' on a-follerin' me to Mas. PAnwIio's door as thought as
wile wapour." were gone for ever.
I says, I don't smell.nohink, not.as that's any sign, for I've heard d Iere didn't gone for ever.the shock for days, but do say asin my
say as you may be killed in a instant by foul hair afore ever as you that ere Sepintine is left open like a trap for- to ketch p ior
smells it, but," I says, I should like. to: see the other end through there it is now jest the same, and will be so no doubt left p c it', 'cos
a-remembrin'it when a gal, as was the way.asiwe did used to walk over- they knows werry well as Q anEN WIcrTOba 'ave give up, a-rl in
from Little Chelsea.to Oxford-street." the park through never 'ardly bein' in London, so, in course, they lets
"Well," says.MRas. PADWICx, "Ive 'ad enuf, on it," as:is weak in 'er every, think go to rack and ruin' jest like the Serpintine, as is a down-
ancles, and give to swelled legs, "so shall dawdle 'ome." rightdisgrace.
I says, "All right, I shan't belong arter-you," and on I walks along riht grac
the side of that river, leastways as-did used to be the river, as they're
a-makin' of the underground railway along side on it aperient, as is a ST R 1K I N G- E MAR K'S.
deal better than bein' took through them stifly waults; with dreadful S i --yes, strike the light guitar,.
accidents as in course is kep' dark easy through never a-comin' to the If youneedsof music'sstraw.
light, for I've heardd speak of lots of goin's on with that underground Scew tet ar
railway as I means to look into for there was my old friend MaRS.e it for inflicting ain
DOB.IN, as got a sewere confusion through: the train a-upsettin' about On the it for infledaucting pular-in
three-weeks ago as I'm a-goin' to see, 'ear, and say something about Strike then Do not be particular,
for she's that shook as can't turn in 'er bed without screams as shows ke then Do
internal bruises. Strike-by all means strike the lyre,
Well, I walks along that bank, leastways as would be a bank if a Strike it, my harmonious friend!
river for to overflow it, as is all up in 'eaps and werry unpleasant But a pipe is my desire,
walking and see lots of boys a-tearin' up and down a-goin' on werry So it will not serve my end.
rampagious like, and a lot on 'em was a-peltin' away with stones at the Come, my worthy Antediluvian!
door of a shed as was no doubt where the tools was kep'. So, I stood Strike for me the light Vesuvian.
there and oilerss to 'em not for to do no mischief close agin the 'edge
of that there bank, when all of a sudden I felt myself swep' off my legs Tall.
by a lot of boys a-comin' behind me sudden as-made me slip, and down
I went slap into that there bed of the river as they calls it. 'Owever THo presentation, of a diamond ring to a Cincinnatiaotress gave a
I kep' my legs I can't think, and.if anybody 'ad told me as I could gifted reporter of that city a fine opening for this remarkable bit of
run that fast down 'ill I wouldn't 'ave credited it. Goodness knows poetical rhapsody :-
where I should 'ave gone to if it 'adn't been as I run slap agin' that It wa a.trifling, tribute from a humble admirer of the noble drama to a brilliant
shed as stopped me short, so I turns round sharp, and give it two of beacon uppn the shot-tower of histrionic genius.
them boys 'ot with my. umbreller, and would 'ave settled the lot only If! the gifted reporter had only climbed to the top of that shot-
one young waggerbone made a run at me and wrenched it out of my 'tower and headed down this molten efftsion, of his brains it'would
'and, and then all the-rest closed upon-me, and if they didn't take and- have been more than trifling tribute to the owners ofJ shot-guns in
push me into that shed and shet the door, and keep on a-peltin' me that locality.








FUN.


[MAY 28, 1870.


SPORTING NOTES AND ANTICIPATIONS.
MANY of the greatest events which ever happened in this world have
turned upon things in themselves very trivial, but productive of
important results. My readers will doubtless think that polonies are
indeed trifles upon which great results should be formed, but on a
question of polonies the whole of my domestic life has been altered
and rearranged. I told you the other day that my mother-in-law had
taken forcible possession of my villa, and for a long time I was in
mortal dread of this old lady, who is a most formidable person, married
four times and now looking out for a fifth victim. Add to this, that
for thirty years she has kept a lodging house in the neighbourhood of
Gray's-inn-road, and you will at once see that she is not to be trifled
with. And I must say I don't think ,it fair that she should drink
six cups of strong tea for her breakfast, and then fill up the pot with
water for me, and add to this injury the insult of remarking that
strong tea and weak brains won't agree; for whatever I may think of
my own capabilities I don't like to be reminded of them. 'But one day,
after she had been prying and peeping into my study, for that's what
we call the room in which we do our advice circulars-trying to find
out my business, I happened to say I should like a nice hot polony.
The effect was electrical. The old lady's eyes sparkled with antici-
patory joy, her nose quivered with delight.
I need not repeat our conversation. Suffice it to say, our tastes
being found to assimilate in the matter of the mysterious but
savoury edible, intimacy had a rapid growth, and now MRs. BROWN-
though I can't say I like it altogether-is chief partner in my
business, gives the advice, and collars nearly all the money. But
never mind; my book of poetry occupies a great deal of time, and
when it does come out, who will be so famous as AuasPuR! I have
already been offered the sporting laureateship, but as the work is hard,
the hours long, the pay scant, and the meals very indifferent, added to
which you have to find your own beer and groceries, I declined the
proposal with thanks. I find that the prosecution of the poetic fervour
is productive of much burning of midnight oils, many holocausts of
tobacco, and heavy but inspiring applications to a tin pail of shandy
gaff, which we keep in a corner of the room. I am sorry to say that my
apprentice displays much more ability in his attentions to this latter
than to the production of elaborate articles like the copy I set him ;
and he has repeatedly told me that were it not for the beer he should
" dry up and return to his pristine state of potboyism. I anticipate


great things from my Derby tips, from which the following is a
selection:-
If you're waking call me early, call me early, Mas. BRowN,
To-morrow is the Derby Day, and I must quit the town-
This town of which I'm weary, weary of its mud and dust,
And to Epsom Downs I'm going, ma'am, in fact, be there I must.
Full many a trap will start, dare say, but none so bright as mine,
For I've furbished up my harness, and I mean to cut a shine;
My coin is on MACGREGOR, my heart's as light as spray,
My hamper's crammed with provender, and my nosebag's full of hay.
0 Mas. BROWN, 0 MES. BROWN,
Forget me not to wake,
For I would not miss Epsom Down
For ever such a stake.
Not all the money I have on
MACGREGOR'S speedy pace
Would compensate me for the loss
In missing the great race
That from the Corner to the Stand,
In which I shall from FUN shine,
Will be a struggle hand to hand
'Tween outlaw bold and SUNSHINE.
What a glorious day for Scotia this !
Rob Roy the first is reckoned,
And while the Sawneys shout with bliss
Their SUNSHINE is placed second!
The numbers up, the cries are heard
Far over hill and dell,
What name is that they echo third ?
What but our BONNY SWELL ?
AuoS UR.
P.S.-Sir, MR. AUG8PIU on seen ewer picksher has gone in fits.
He ses the artis is a fool for hees evently mistakin the direeshun and
gone into South Kengston Museum instead of Mas. TATER SALs wear
he was sent. I wish I could find the wretch. JasN BROWN.


122








MAY 28, 1870.] F TJIN 123


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
IT is to be regretted that no better record than such a feeble and
worthless work as Farringdon Without (GRBEm Fleet-street,) should
have been published about a ward with so many illustrious and
interesting traditions and connections. We have never heard of its
author, Ma. ADOLPHUS DECIMus FRANCIs, before; and to judge from
the'pamphlet under consideration, think it unlikely that we shall ever
hear more of him. An auctioneer's catalogue could scarcely do less
credit to a locality with such famous associations, while of the literary
ability of the book one line will suffice to give a sample. It occurs in
a brief account of Green Harbour-court, -where GoLDSMITc is described
as having written The Vicar of Wakefield, a beautiful novel 1" The
best passages are those which contain adulatory notices of the present
residents (of any influence) in the ward- the worst, those that refer to
the great names of the past. Altogether a more bald and ill-composed
history ofa noted locality could scarcely be conceived, and it is a pity
that good paper and good prhiting should have been wanted in serving
up such a poor hash.
We ian honestlyreoommend Sydney Smith's mfith e4/ t Pi forte
(AsE onw AND PAinY, Hanover-square to allbeginners oftmuda, It,
is sinmp$ and clear in its instructions, which are carefully graduated 'by
the degrees of difficulty attending each aZ. A person utterly
ignorant of the marest rudiments of music oud not fail, by a mere
perusal, to aqire fair understanding of the initiatory elemats of
the art.

Cutting.
IN some cases ynch Law is only that kind of law which gkso an
ynch to people who will take an L:-
Lynch-lar in Kentucky is made to apply to la9s htisbinds. An Ie6oltM
blacksmith was recently tied to a tree and given 2 lashes beautise he did not flppoit
his family.
This seems hard. The reason for his not supporting his family may
have been that he could not bear them. Why, then, make his tack:
bare, when he could not support the burdent Couldn't his neighbors
have collected enough to.keep the family without resort to a "wlipt

Mean Fighting.
WE hope the American Congress will take warning from this
paragraph:-
It is reported that the Mormons are arming with aview to resist, by force, thebill
prohibiting polygamy.
Let them remember that some years have elapsed since the war, and
that their soldiers are to some extent inexperienced, 'while every
Mormon-with the special opportunities of several wives-is thoroughly
used to fighting.

Damages how much?
FRANCE is luckier than England in its American relations. Look
here:-
It is said that Theresa has refused seventy thousand francs and expenses for a
six months' engagement in the United States.
Talk about Alabama claims !- supposing that howling nuisance had
been let loose on the American people, what might not the claim for
damage have been against France

Capping Verses.
Ev BtaonrD knows the old couplet-
Him as prigs what isn't his'n
When he's cotched'll go to prison.
We understand that another couplet has been discovered at the British
Museum, and hasten to give it:-
Her as cops what isn't hemr
On the mnll will take a turn.

An Agreeable Consequence.
SOME day, we suppose, ladies will be after writing-.as Pat would
say-M.P. to their names. There may then be more pairing in
the House, but we may be sure that there will be less cheese-paring in
the matter of floral adornment for the Parks.

Grown Groans.
"ConsCINCE," says a philosophical contemporary, "is an excellent
thing to cultivate." If the people of Middlesex undertook its cul-
tivation, would not its fruits be a "county crop P" We pause for a
reply. But as we don't expect one, we don't mean pausing much.


.4 Now VYrsion.
WHo'D be a butterfly P NotI for one!
Chased by each idle young sun of a gun,
Damaged by many a slap and a rap
From Tatterdemalon's lumannerly cap!
Who'd be a butte*flyP Who, I say, who P
Not I, for one I For another, not you I
Caught by rude hands, whose brute-owner presume
Fingers don't damage your delicate plumes;
Rubbed with rough touches till powerless to fly,
Then loosed, to flutter away-and to die I
Who'd be a butterfly P Who, I say, who P
Not I, for one! For another, not you I
Who'd be a butterfly P E'en at the best,
Prey of some keen entomologist's quest,
Pierced with a pin, and with pinions displayed,
Safely away in a cabinet laid I
Who'd be a butterfly P Who, I say, who P
Not I, for one! For another, not you !
Ah, brother-butterflies-two-legged, I mean I
From these poor insects what morals we glean:
Do not the faults which the angels deplore
Soil our bright wings till they sink-and not soar 1
Who'd be a butterfly P Who, I say, who ?
I am, for one I For another, are you!
E'en at the b6st, we have butterfly-fame,
Pinned in a case with a label and name :-
Gazed at with pride for a week-or a day-
Then in dark cabinet huddled away!
Who'd be a butterfly P Who, I say, who F
Well, I'm afraid, my good friend,-I and you!


[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, uness they are a0comr
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not .hold ourselves
responsiblefor loss.1
CLBRn (Weather Office).-BRvenons A nosmoutons-that is to say, turn
your attention to the weather, and don't waste your time in scribbling.
NIcHOLAS PuMPKci.-Somewhat forced. Your lines 'mid our jokes
we can't number. Our columns if we should begin to let with such queer
frisk-you-wnber, we should to a pump prove a-kin I
BLIG.-You must have notions of originality. The joke about B1(u)oy
was made long ere you were a baby even.
C. C. (Leeds).-As old as the old Condmic Annuals I
ATo.Lo.-An assumed name, with a vengeance I We like your assump-
tion. But we don't think much of your lines.
T. (Plymouth).-You can obtain a portrait of the late Mr. Prowse of
Mr. C. Watkins, of Chancery-lane.
WVLoAN.- Short for Wulgarian.
F. J. (Leamington).-Not of much use. The paragraph was correct.
H. W. G.-ZZoological, decidedly, but in familiar parlance The Zoo !"
J. 0. Jun., (Birkenhead).-Thanks for the cutting. The plagiarists will
hear more of it.
J. H. H. (Drury-lane).--We do not consider the murder of our country-
men in Greece a fit topic for puns. It appears you do.
Declined with thanks -W. C., India Offlee; A. G., Wolverhampton;
A. C. S., Bath; E. C.; L., Kingsland; Simon Singulat; Adjectives; B. T.,
Manchester; B. B.; F. L.; Luxy; Bedmunds; Mo; X. Y. Z. W.,
Cavendish-street: Nem. Con.; J. T.; F. B., Tynemouth; T. P. C., Notts
Oxonian; J. de V., lighbury; Toodles; F. P., Southampton; Escaped
Lunatic; S. E.; P. B., Union, Oxford; A. W. C., Glasgow; H. 8, V,
Lewisham; Pesky Cuss; B., Dalston; Quiz in a Comer; Beauty; J. 8.,
Pentonville; Doggie; Ban-Dan; S. S., Liverpool; Ca Ira; Squashoe;
The Dean.







124 FUN. [MAY 28, 1870.
































52-'-




IMPLIED OR EXPRESSED.
Dealer:-"NOT iL HI m )?" I Customer:-"No! HE'S SUCH A GREAT COARSE BRUTE!"
Dealer :-" 1WLL, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE'D JUST HAVE SUITED you."

CHATS ON THE MAG S. about it is its name. Its contents are admirably arranged, and simply
S" too! It goes easily into the pocket, and it costs but a penny It
xdY. contains an excellent map, moreover, and is a miracle of condensation
The Gentleman's Journal, besides its usual enormous "lot for the and clearness.
money," contains a capital picture of the boat-race, with a very clear We have also to acknowledge the receipt of the Gardener's Magazine,
and well-written account of the contest. There never was such a The Young Lady's Journal, The Westminster Papers, The Food journal ,
capital periodical for boys. Amateur Authors' Magazine, Le Pollet, and Cook's Excursionist, which is
Our Young Folks is better than usual in the art department, while full of interest this month.
its literary contents are fully up to the regular standard.
THE Overland Monthly is as good as ever. There are two or three ETY' SEET AcHO.-The ress.
most interesting stories and some charming poems. Very readable too LIBEETY'S SET ANcHon.-The Press.
are the sketches of the country, which are a feature of this excellent WiEN young ladies wager gloves, in what colour do they usually
magazine, pay F-Smoke !
The Atlantic Monthly is full of articles of merit, some light, some
serious. A letter, about the "Bourbon Duel" is most interesting. NOTICE.-At the end of May will be published,
There is also a capital critique on MR.F. BRET HARTE's Luck of NICHOLAS'S NOTES,
Roaring Camp," a book, which we hope will be published (an author's With other Writings by the late W. J. PaoWSH. Edited by Tox Hon.
edition, of course) in England, where we predict great popularity for it. ROUTLEDGE AND SoNs, Broadway.
Cope's Tobacco Plant is an amusing periodical, devoted to the interests RouTEo- AND Sons, Broadway.
of smokers. It will form an admirable corrective after the twaddle of NVext week, price One Penny,
the Anti-Tobacco-League.
capital little handbook is the London and Suburban Railway, The Derby Double Number of Fun,
Steam-packet, and Omnibus Pocket Guide. The only unwieldy thing Containing the only Correct Tip going, with numerous Illustrations.


GOODE, GAINSFORD, & CO.,
CABINET-MAKERS, UPHOLSTERERS, AND BEDDING WAREHOUSEMEN.
FURNISHING ESTIMATES.
Messrs. GOODE, GAINSFORD, and CO. beg to state that, having had numerous applications from their Customers and the Publis generally for a Catalogue, or Prin
List of their Furnitrre, they have compiled with considerable care and supervision, a Series of REVISED ESTIMATES for the furnishing of SEVEN, TEN, and
FOURTEEN-ROOMED HOUSES tin preference to publishing an ordinary Catalogue), thereby showing the cost of three distinct classes of Furniture, classified in the
various Rooms, and enabling intending Purchasers to see at once the exact cost of a single article, the cost of each separate Room, or the tot 1 cost of Furnishing the
whole house. THIS ESTIMATE BOOK POST-FREE OR UPON APPLICATION.
119, 120, 12-1, 122, 123, BOROUGH, S.E.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phnmix Works, St. Andrew's Hill Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-Street, E.C.-London: May 28, 1870







JuE 4, 1870.] FU N. 125


A VACILLATING VATICINATION.
Shall bold Mabgregor be my tip ?
He boasts one omen pleasant-
He's'kilt4 so his legs outstrip
The legs of others present.
Yet one thing, when I think again,
THiE s chance may fairly flummo;
The Camel can devour thr plain/',
He has mo many stomachs.
Still, if on Cpmel I should lay,
My coin might be mislaid.
One glorious burst of Sunshine may
Cast all into the shade.
Yet even there, I do not see
My path all clear of doubt;
A Bonny Swell a swell may be o
That cuts all others out.
I have a plan that's safe, but then
A chance I may not get-
Wait till the race is run, and, when
It's o'er, begin to bet !

BTe t I go on for ever!"
TeuaR isg a movement a-foot to eret:t a monument to -
cRomsmar Bioucs on the field of Bannocrkburn. Consider- _
ing to e time it took to cozbplete the lonum-ht to
wVAtLAC., and the probable reluctance of those Scots,.
wha hae for WALLACs bled, to bleed again, we trust the
movement will not prove an approach to the diBcovwry
of perpetual motion, like the Laureate's "Brook."

WhAta In a Name?
THEEm is at any rate some propriety in thin name ,-
A new Iowq in Mississippi lp named Joaieonou.
Of course there should be aJolifitationin A-iiery-cat OUR DERBY FAVOURITE I


RULES FOR THE ROAD, it you can proclaim loudly that the race is postponed on account of the
severe, illness of an outsider., This will have the same effect on an
WB believe that the pleasure-going .wprld has never yet been excitable populace.
favouresd with a volume on the etiquette of the Derby. Such a.work' 6. Do not bet with strange men to any considerable extent, and
would& obviously supply a national want; and we hereby propose to refrain from having your fortune told more than twice. Leave your
take a step in the right direction, by providing a few hints on conduct watch and chain (if you have a watch and chain) on the piano (if yo6
for tll who intend titn6ssing our English Carnival ... have a piano) before starting on your day's excursion.
1. ;Early rising is indispensable on the occasion of the Derby Day. 7. Don't go to the Derby at all; unless you are perfectly prepared to
This-dah only be oblviated by sitting up the whole of the previous follow the foregoing rules and regulations.
night with a few select friends and relating ghost stories about horses.
2. The-costume chosen should be. as unassuming as possible. By
neglectingAthis rule, you render yourself liable to observation and Too Much of a Good Thing.
critieismh of an unfriendly nature. We shouldrecommend c blue dress-
coat withi bass buttons, a stick-up collar with light green tie, a plaid I THINK a man must wisdom lack
waistooat, ppper-and-salt unuitentionables, and white hat with drape Who lays upon a hump:
band. Then why should I the Camel back
3. Make the matter of diet a theme for long and earnest reflection. A With an enormous lump ?
mixthie of gii and porter will be found mildly stimulating, but should
perplexing to see every horse in the field running a dead heat with
some5ghostlyquadruped which exists only in your mind's eye, Horatio. To judge from a littlel display of temper in the House a short time
Beef- sausages are more easy of digestion than pork: and the saveloy since the heir to the Wentwprth estates seems determined not to be a
of 80mmetce :cheers without inebriating. Hard-boiled eggs will be "mute," if he must be an "inglorious, M rdT6." On the strength of
found refreshing esaeciell if not'at upon too often or too violently. having-travelled and written a book about his experiences, his Lordship
N.B. Remembtft sat oi sple pe y north will suffice for all your seems to fancy he is a wise as any biped--not to say quadru-man-
wishes. that has seen theworld. Well, travel does improve some minds-
4. When addressed by strangersf,in the course of the journey, let others rather
your demeanour be Courteous bet fiS. "Court popularity but resent Resemble copper wire or brass,
insolence. Never decline to communicate the name and address of Which gets the narrower by going farther
your hatter when demanded with-, politeness. Interpose as little as
possible in the quarrels.of others, particularly.when the combatants A Philosophical Remgrk.
are muscular and ferocious. Make a point of saluting with fervour Tie reflections of an owner of racers must at times be painful.
all the young ladies and nursemaids who line the walls from Clapham Imagine feeling sure that if a certain animal cannot "-cut down his
Common to Sutton; it is a little compliment that they expect and horses, you'll have to out down" your expenses-or your timber I
appreciate. .. .
5. Do all in your power to secttre a good view of the race. If theA ppop ia nt
Grand Stand be above your means, work your way by means of the
elbows to the front row on some favourable point of the course. Tes. Sportsman speaks of Tourist as ".an. extreme Derby outsider,
Should your 'struggles prove ineffectual, raise a cry of "Fire!" and Does that mean he is going to the dogs ? Because if so, the best thiig
the public will soonleave you in undisturbed possession. If you prefer to be done for Tourist is to Co 0x him.

VOL. XI. X








FUN. /


[JUxN 4, 1870.


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At,,,
Iiii\I
H 9. ~


"DON'T GO, MA'AM I "
Miss Bakbored:-" THE WETOHEB ARE S RUDE, I SHALL WITHDRAW !"
Fair upi :-" OH, Miss BAxSORBD,-WHY ? "
Miss B. :-" WELL, YOUNG LADIEs, 'M NOT GOING TO BTAY TO BE STARED AT!"
[But if that was all she needn't have left!


W7UN OFICOE, Wednesday, fne 1st, 1870.
HERE is as little certainty in legislation as there is in horse-
racing. The odds were anything you like-"the Bank of
England to a chaney orange "-that the Deceased Wife's Sister
Bill would pass into law this session. But at the last moment
a little jockeying in the Upper House threw it out, and it will have to
start again next session. The Upper House is as fatai to good
measures as Tattenham Corner has been to cracks; and we should not
be surprised if an attempt were made to lay tout a new course
in order to get rid of unnecessary danger.
The political stables ,contain many good horses yet, and the Govern-
ment will doubtless carry off most of the prizes. LAMn-BIL has
proved itself a good stayer, and BALLOT will no doubt be tried before
long, though naturally a dark horse. EcoxoMYr is likely to pull off a
good deal of money for the public, for whom LOWE, one of the
cleverest boys that ever weighed out, landed something handsome on
SURPLUS, out of BUDGET.
But in spite of this it is a sell for a good many that that queer-
tempered and uncertain animal PERa OF THE REALM, i ridden by
OCHANwcELLOt, should have cannoned against the game little SISTEa oF
DECEASED WIFE, just as HOUGHTON was steering her so straight..

Wa are glad to see that the inhabitants of Wandsworth are
energetically at work to prevent any further encroachments on the
Common. They have been strongly supported, and thd Lord of the


Manor will find that he has no slight opposition to overcome. For
some time for lack of a combined action on the part of the Commoners,
people have been enabled to encroach and enclose, but there will be an
end of that sort of thing now. At a recent meeting, when a con-
siderable sum of money was collected, MR. BUCKxASTER said-
The tenants of the manor were periodically summoned to attend the Court Leet at
which the lord or his agent presided. Since the accession of the present lord no
court has been summoned. This court had, and still has, the power of punishing
misdemeanours, such as eavesdropping, stopping rights of way, stealing the
common, or attempted enclosures of the common. (Hear, hear.) All these offences
were punished by the Court Leet with the pillory. (Laughter.) The best reform
is sometimes to go back. What a delightful thing to walk some fine morning on
Wandsworth Common, and see a motley group of speculating builders, thieves,
lawyers, agents, railway jobbers, and fine gentlemen grinning in the pillory for
stealing pieces of Wandsworth Common (Laughter aud cheers.) I should be the
last man to interfere with these men having their rights in the pillory. (Applause.)
Such an exhibition would raise all the money we require to try what right these
men have to do what.they have done.
We should like to see such an exhibition vastly, and if MR.
BUCKMASTER will organize it, we will promise to immortalize it in an
outline in our pages, as a warning to all common-thieves.

A DERBY DITTY.
Is Rob Roy
Your only joy P
Or do you look on Sunshine P
Will Camel's neck
The progress check
Of cracks that in the run shine P
Will Bonny Swell
Bear off the bell ?
Prophetic light of fri, shine I
That we may back
The winning crack
And radiant at lunch shine I


12 6










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OUR DERBY


HIEROGLYPHIC :


OR, CLEAR AND COMPREHENSIVE TIP TYPICAL.


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