• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 March 13, 1869
 March 20, 1869
 March 27, 1869
 April 3, 1869
 April 10, 1869
 April 17, 1869
 April 24, 1869
 May 1, 1869
 May 8, 1869
 May 15, 1869
 May 22, 1869
 May 29, 1869
 June 5, 1869
 June 12, 1869
 June 19, 1869
 June 26, 1869
 July 3, 1869
 July 10, 1869
 July 17, 1869
 July 24, 1869
 July 31, 1869
 August 7, 1869
 August 14, 1869
 August 21, 1869
 August 28, 1869
 September 4, 1869
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
Full Citation
STANDARD VIEW MARC VIEW
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00016
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00016
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 5
    March 13, 1869
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    March 20, 1869
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    March 27, 1869
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    April 3, 1869
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    April 10, 1869
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    April 17, 1869
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    April 24, 1869
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    May 1, 1869
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    May 8, 1869
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 87
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
    May 15, 1869
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
    May 22, 1869
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
    May 29, 1869
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
    June 5, 1869
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
    June 12, 1869
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 146
    June 19, 1869
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 156
    June 26, 1869
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 166
    July 3, 1869
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
    July 10, 1869
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
    July 17, 1869
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
    July 24, 1869
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
    July 31, 1869
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
    August 7, 1869
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
    August 14, 1869
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
    August 21, 1869
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
    August 28, 1869
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
    September 4, 1869
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
    Index
        Page 265
        Page 266
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text







































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PUBLISHED


LONDON :
(FOR TEE PROPRIETOR) BY W. ALDER,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.






























S" OAT AOY! said a voico.
iT






#70-









The same to you, and many of 'em!" replied FUN, adopting
Sthe nautical language of his interpellator with his accustomed
__facility.
S-- It was NEPTUNE who spoke. FuN on perceiving him assured him
that his boat was not a hoy-that in fact there had boon no hoys since
the steamboats took to running to Margate.
"Exactlyso," said old NEPTUNE, there are such remarkable im-
provements and inventions now-a-days, that I almost expect to have
--- the sea taken-up in shares and converted into a limited company- "
-7-- "And then you will say you have not a notion," said one of the
sea-nymphs, who had overheard the old riddle on the sands at Rams-
--S _____ ,-- gate, and thought it was new and original. NEPTUNE smiled, but
7/--cr -FUN rebuked him for laughing at the aged. The old man of the sea
S- tittered feebly, and murmured something about a wotter'un."
-. "Why, you must be 'a Constant Reader'-the party who is
Walways sending me those old jokes," said FUN.
"No:-I seldom get anything to read," said the marine deity.
You have the Wave-early series, of course," observed the jester.
"Well, I get an occasional volume of modern fiction, at times,
<- coming among my flotsam and jetsam after falling off a steam-boat
__in the season."
-- Floating, eh ? I should have thought them too heavy for that-
/ but, to be sure, they are so bad they don't deserve to 'go down.' Bu t
you were saying- "
t _'\ __ "I was observing on the novelties they introduce now-a-days.
-Who would have expected to see the wooden walls of England made
--TO I =---~of cast iron ?"
_j ?. v U V Who, indeed ? or for that matter," said FUN, with a knowing
Snod to the Nereids who bore the old gentleman, who would have
expected to see an Ancient Mariner, like you, hauled up by water
-. -- --lasses instead of windlasses?" The young ladies tittered so tre-
\ mendously that they nearly let the old boy drop. Their style of
dress made them intensely susceptible of the bare notion of a joke. It
i \.J should be observed, that they were clothed from head to foot in surge.
They wore seaweed in their hair, but though they only had a little
S_ "_i-- spray each, their head-gear was so much larger than the ordinary
bonnets, that the vulgar sea-urchins (Echinus comnm:) head-dressed
-we beg pardor.-addressed to them the question ooze your hatter ? "








iv PREFACE.

NEPTUNE was, not unnaturally, a little jealous of the attention paid to FUN by his fair attendants.
"Never mind him," said one of the damsels encouragingly, his barque is worse than his bight." '
"I suppose his bight is, like his bark, a bay. I should expect as much from an old sea-dog."
The pun restored harmony. NEPTUNE piped all hands for a pipe, and began to blow a cloud.
"What cheer, mate? he remarked, I see you're on the cruise in your yacht."
"You're right. The crew's under me, and we're off for a sail-our weekly sale, in fact."
"Where away ?"
"Round the globe, of course,-the largest circulation in the world," and FUN waved his hand.
"You're not going ?" said NEPTUNE, anxiously.
Oh, I always go," was the reply.
"Well, give us a lock of your hair, then."
"Would you dis-tress me ? But I shall expect a slice of your main, in exchange."
Sir, you command the ocean You are the man at the commonweal, not to be spoken to-our pilot-our beacon- "
"Pilot, and beacon, eh ? You must be thinking of stearine candles; or taking me for a lighter-man. But I must be off,
while the tide serves."
"The tide is not the only one who feels bound to serve you," said NEPTUNE.
That's neat," said FUN.
"Take it so, if you like," said the encouraged marine deity. Or will you take it warm with' ?-name your tipple."
"Not to-day, thanks," replied the wit; and the Nereids went off into fits of laughter at the joke-which they saw, but we
will defy any one else to observe with the naked eye.
Must you go ?" asked NEPTUNE, with obvious regret at losing so pleasant a companion, "Who is to fill your place ?"
My volume," aptly responded FUN.
"A volume of water ?"
No, of spirit; but warranted pure and unadulterated."
Spirit Then it is essential ?"
Yes, for the well-being of everybody. In fact, everybody takes it. Here's one for you!"
A thousand thanks! If you hear of any extraordinary high tides don't be astonished-I feel I shall split my sides! "
Oh, your high-tides are always attractive," said Fux, returning the compliment. "I have known people quite carried
away by them !"
But NEPTUNE had disappeared. He had rushed off to the confusion of botanists, who are unacquainted, as a rule, with a
rush [Buscum littorale] in sea-water; and also to his palatial cave, where he flung himself into his chair and began to read.
There has been a dispute among scholars as to a passage in ZEschylus-" K ur7-y avrpieo ov ytXaa-la." If the commentators
could only have seen NEPTUNE now, they would have understood the meaning of the "endless laughter of Ocean," for he
was reading

951n hintlyj Vhlnmc of td 9ef R y rieM of In.















































NOTHING AT ALL IN THE PAPER TO-DAY.
OTHING at all in the papers to
,day! .-1
Only- a murder somewhere
A g or other-
A girl who has put her child
Not being a wife as well as
.. a mother.
Or drunken husband beating
.* a wife,
g at o ith the neighbours lying
awake to listen:
Scarce aware he has taken a
S life : .
Till in at the window the
But that l the regular
N r way-
There's nothing .at all in the
paper to-day.
Nothing at all in the paper to-day! !
To be sure there's a woman died of starvation
Fell down in the street-as so many may
SIn this very prosperous Christian iiation.
Or two young girls with some inward grief
Maddened, have plunged in the inky waters.
Or a father has learnt that his son's a thief-
Or a mother been robbed of one of her daughters.
Things that occur in the regular way"- '
There's nothing at all in the paper to-day.
There's nothing at all in the paper to-day,
Unless you care about things in the City-
How great rich rogues for their crimes must pay
(Though all Gentility cries out "pity!") "
Like the meanest shopboy.that robs a till-
There's a case to-day if I'm not forgetting,.
The lad only borrowed" as such lads will-
To pay some money he lost in betting.
But there's nothing in this that's out of the way-
There's nothing at all in the paper to-day.


VOL. IX.


Nothing at all in the paper to-day-
But the Births and Bankruptcies, Deaths and Marriages,
But Life's events in the old survey,
With Virtue begging, and Vice in carriages:
And. kindly hearts under ermine gowns,
.And wicked breasts under hoddan grey,
For goodness belongs not only to clowns,
And o'er others than lords does Sin bear sway.
But what do I read ?--" drowned wrecked! Did I say
There was nothing at all in the paper to-day ?


A Pretty Figure!
MR. VERNON HARCOURT-Historicus of the Times- has made his
maiden. speech in Parliament, and in it he spoke of an old sword that
we nust keep bright and burnished as we have received it from our
ancestors. He added:-
. "If the present be not on age in which it is required, we should preserve it for
future use, when political storms may arise, when it may prove a security for the
throne and a safeguard for the people."
We really don't see what use a sword would be in a storm, or how it
could protect anything. Did not MR. HAncouRT mean an umbrella P

Fair or Pharos P
A DEPUTATION of' the shipping interest waited, the other day, on
MR. LowE and MR. BRIGHT to ask that the "light dues now charged
on them might be thrown on the national exchequer. Very properly
the Ministers declined to interfere; and MR. BRIGHT, who is a little
new to matters of navigation,- expressed his opinion that if the dues
were light the deputation would do well to pay them and say nothing
about it. -._ '_ _. ..

One a Penny.
AT Blayney, in New South Wales, one hundred and eighty horses
were sold at a penny a-piece. I There would be little difficulty in
putting beggars on horseback in that part of the world, supposing one
had a turn for hoss-tentatious charity.

A COMMON "EGG TICKx."- Counting your chickens before they are
hatched.








6 U N [MAReH 13, 1869.


8V rUX OFrIGA, Wedlnesday, March 10th, 1869.
T'ii rather difficult to- see how what some people call the spoils "
of the Irish Church aso'ldihave been better bestowed than upon
those institubiona.whieh. the. Premier has selected, the lunatic,
and deaf-anad-dunb asylums, and similar charities, which may
be looked upon as establishments, of practical religion. It is not
altogether certain whether this use of the Church funds is not restora-
tion rather than confiscation-," as Mn. DISRAELI calls it. The
monasteries and other religious houses: o earlier times were the hos-
pitals, asylums, and schools, so to speak, since the sick and afflicted
poor were their special charge. Besides the scheme, beyond this-im-
mediate benefit to these poor creatures, lightens the burdens of the
struggling, population a, present taxed heavily for tieinsupport. But,
was it not rather o.dd that the party, which, itn power- only took about.
an hour in alteriag its policy on the questiomof. Reftm,. should require;
three weeks Im opposition to toy and pick holes- it thoe Governmeot
measures? Butithe fMnistry was rightitia reis B atprea sa.-
tination. No real refomr was- ever yek eletpaedlt Sa- generallgpdA&
that did not: create pvsait injuries here anf thtiere. It isas;well not to
let these rankle too, long, or they- may injure the healthy part. JI
amputation is necessary the doctors;do 3i1with promptitudie, and dA nott
give the severaliarteribs too muchittea-bleed. BRut M GDADnsToN
need not fear -he goes. out to this: combatthe Champion 4tJustice
the chosen of England,. to clear her name= from not altaQatter nn-
deserved charges.. R43est. success to. *te abuse in a bAi~Wa ng ink-
stand !
IT is not very often that one catches the Saturday Eeview in a
blunder; though, to be sure, not very long ago it made a bad mistake
in admitting an article on "'The Flogging of Girls," the only effect of
Which was that.a smart publishing firm. turned, it into. an ad;vertise-
ment to catch the prurient. However, a mistake of taste in the
Superfine is more common than- a blunder in mere classical matters.
Here is a blunder of this latter kihd. The reviewer. of a work on
Italian sculpture quotes the epitaph on a certain tomb, in which
epitaph the CouNTEss MONTOmO, erecting a monument to her only
daughter and-though still living-to herself also, says:--
"Filia suaw unicew benemerenti, ct sibi, vivens,posuit."
Thereat our reviewer warms, up and quotes, and comments in this
wise:-" Filia sum unios vivena posuit,! What a tale. of. long past and
forgotten sorrow is in the simple words.!" Bosh!-the livenss" has
nothing to do with the words he thus selects-it belongs to and ex-
plains the sibi," though, he seems to think it lends a greater tender-
ness to the expression.T The line, in short, runs thus in English:-.
"To her beloved and only daughter, and to herself, while still living
she erected this monument." But the reviewer garbles the quotation
thus:-.
thus "To her only daughter she, whileastill living, erected," etc.

And that is absurd.
THE Daily Telegraph has lately-taken to giving a. sort of report of
the Literature Market, in brief notices of new books. The notion isn
not a bad one-better, at least, than, devoting two or three columns to
the fools who write to the papers.on all. conceivableand inconceivable:
topics.
But is the D. T. going to give us a quite new style of critical
language ? A volume of somewhat serious verse has been recently
published, and this is the elegant way in which we are told that it
is likely to attract attention.:-
"We shall not be surprised if" thisittle volume cause-ta considerable fhss."'
Now, that is lofty! _

THE publishers of a periodical' called Huiman Nature. would save
themselves postage and us trouble if they would put the copies-they
intend to send us into the fire at once. We never read the publication,
which has the shabby outward appearance of those vile sham-medical
books you get from the quacks. The contents are worthy of the
exterior-but utterly wasted on us; for we have long ago made up
our mind on the spiritualist, question, and it needed, not the case of
LYON v. HoME to convince us that it was a perilous: swindle as well
as a miserable self-delusion. It is simply sickening to read the twaddle
of such spiritualist publications, recording facts so childishly
absurd that only fools could believe, and only- rogues could invent.
them.


W DOUBLE ACROSTIC, NoI 1.06.
W.E had. so many all the-winter through,.
That-though this istheirperiodimost fitting-
We should. quite well. think,. without them do::
The.weather-cierk ftrtonea thi aplagu iremnitting;
-L-AlthoughiByg -Utne accumt,.
'Tia. not a thing, that, at its worst:
And yet as far as I can learn
Like things at worst it's apt to turn.
2.-While there you seldom shiver
From winter's stern attack:
Thence, touching, sir, your liyer,
You seldom bring-one. back..
a3-For CAPTAIN COOK and LA PEOCBQs
This title we were wont to usa
Ere steam's great power-wa- foundL
But, ah, since steam has done the;triik,
The name is given JACKx TOM, and DICL,.
Who swing 't'ould anchor" roumL
4.L--Oh,.DoCTORWA TS! oh, DOCTOR..WATT*!f
Your poems-liava been read by lots-L
Your tales ofidogs tha4lbark-andiTte,
Gf lions and ofeara, that fight.
Ml.ee given peaik'maich delight.
No-jpy in thloaeie'ffe urcauld.see;-
AndiI must own' the busy bee
Wasnever very much to. me.
Your poetry one error-blots-
It's too. instructive,.D.. WATTrs!
5.-" I'fachisia,"' exclaimed Sit TOPAZ, and bDhs;-,
Ill score your costard, yam son: of mud.
Go,.fetbh me a cup of the:best of sack!"
A terrible lot of odd terms, good lack,-
And SIm TOPAZ said this, when the waiter came back!
SOLUTION OF AcROSTIc, No. 103.-Shipwreck, Lifeboats: Seal, Hel-
vetti, If, Paste, Web, Ridotto, Euthanasia, Carcavet, Kars.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC No. 103, RECEIVED MARCH 3rd.-Ruby's Ghost;
Eller S. andlamism.R,

A Sweet Fropact.,
THEY are beginning to manufacture sugar-ih Suffolk from breat-root.
"If England to herself' be-troo(t);, -as.tha old prophecy says,,we shall
be able to beat the foreigner out, of the market.. Until now EFrance
has been the. only country that didmuch.in this way:: but themEcance
has always had a.inhclination to sack-a,-Rhine.

A Strong Likeness.
THE following-sentence is clipped' from axecentlypubhlihedcmneuL-
"Laura andiber father had never been wholly unreserved to each other,.aantof
late they had not grown less so."
Surely we have seen something like it, liefbre- It bears ai simtng
resemblance tothe relation which C.ssane ind. POmPEy, but es1eoially
PoMEEy,. hore.ta one.another.

All Among the- Bkrliy.,
WiE have it on the authority of the poet that the-gay-eAn bearded
barley smiles. We have applied to an eminent agriculturist for an
explanation of the phenomenon and' heo says it. smiles from ear
to ear.
The Bight ]M n for the' Places.
THE Era of 21st February contains the fbllbwing adVertisement:-
"Wanted, immediately, a.Gentleman to sustainthe Heavy business."
Was not this the very situation for Mai. EDWA-a WATHmn EDWARDS ?
The trifling duties connected with his position as Official' Assignee
must have left many spare hours on:that awcomplished.gentleman's
hands.
MILDNESS, OF T'E SEASON..
VEGETATION is '"very forward"'-the sama may be said'ofthe rising
generation.

THE WORST LIMBO TO WHIH A. M CAN c l aHECowSIGn..--the Limb
o' the Law.
FIT To.TEaB Syoop-Aan.-A rmckle, Bed..
THE GacEAxN Ban.--Towards:Crete.





F U JIN.-MAnOH 13, 1869.


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THE CHOSEN CHAMPION.


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MABCH 13, 186.9.]


FUN.


AN ANTIPODAL DINNER.
BY our owW CoNNOIssErR.
Ir ever I should be reduced below a neck of mutton and turnips, or
a tender, juicy beefskirt, commend me, my dear Editor, to a plate of
Kangaroo soup-that is to say, of tin-can-garoo soup, with a glass
of still hock, a red mullet, to give a little flavour to the next dish,
which should be Kari de Mouton, boiled in Sydney, and put under an
air-pump, with dry sherry to take off the woolliness; a couple of Kubab
Byezas, or vol au vents, made of the fur of the striped Bunyip, and
washed down with a glass of red Burgundy. This, in the absence of
a dish of tripe and onions, or a stewed sheep's head and parsley sauce,
might be followed by beiled boned legs of mutton, squeezed into a
canister, and certainly very satisfying at the price, even when they
are sold at sevenpence a pound ; a slice or two of beef done up with a
French name, and a good disguising sauce, and a bit of raised pie to
give a zest to a tumbler of champagne. I think it possible that after
this I might experimentalise on a wing of widgeon or a teal, and so


natural for sheep to taste like woolly flocks-all might be well, and the
national rationale would be that nations would save their rations.
Seriously, my dear Editor, and approaching the subject after mature
reflection, and an excellent dinner from as prime a haunch of Scotch
mutton as I ever remember to have put a knife into (and, by-the-bye,
I've still some of that old sherry left)-seriously, I say, why should
people spend fourteenpence a pound on rumpsteaks (and venison is, I
believe, very little cheaper), when they can get meat sent them at so
much lower a price P It is true that the shins and heads, and what
are called the inferior parts of meat in this country, are attainable,
but what well regulated miid could submit to a repast composed of
baked lamb's heads and. roasted potatoes; of ox head and leg of beef
soup, flavoured with celery tops, barley, carrots, and onions; of
stewed cow heel, garnished with bacon and turnip-tops; or boiled breast
of mutton and parsnips unless these dishes were served with French
names for sauce ? I have a notion, my dear Editor, having dined, that
there is more to be done yet in the way of preserving Australian meat
for a little less tin, literally as well a&figuratively; and. that at present,


wind up with a g6le de Geelong, a crime h la Melbourne, and an
Australian waffle; by which time I am convinced I should have
partaken of a dinner of a truly colonial character, and one which is
only possible in an age when sheep can be bought for half-a-crown in
one part of the world, and boiled down for salb, at sixpence or seven-
pence a pourd for prime joints, after a voyage to the other side of the
globe.
Statistics, of which I am delighted to say I know nothing whatever,
declare that sheep "on the Plate" average 561b.-and it stands to
reason, that even allowing for great waste in cooking, they must
weigh half as much on the dish; and I leave anybody to judge what
a saving must be effected when they are shipped free on board. I
don't know why this sort of argument is always considered so con-
clusive, but I know my impression-on a recent occasion, -when I was
invited to the Australian meat banquet atthe Cannon-street Hotel-was
that if; our army, our navy, and (I think, but I won't be quite certain)
our volunteers, together with the QUEEN, the PwTcG OF WALas, the
PRINCEss of WALas, and the rest of the Royal Family, our foreign
visitors and the guests of the evening could only be induced to buy
their meat ready cooked, and get over the general flavour of stewed
fur tippet, by the free use of. salt in their kangaroo soup-while they
acelimatised their palates to the mutton, by remembering that it is


well devised instruction in. domestic economy and household cookery,
as a part of the scheme of national education promised us this session,
might lead to a recognition of the value of those so-called inferior
parts of the meat which are now so neglected, but many of which were
regarded by old-fashioned gourmets as choice dishes, worthy, when
properly prepared, of forming a special banquet of themselves, such as
a birthday dinner, or a jovial club supper. I can't help fancying, too
(and, this is after a third glass of the dry wine I mentioned), that I
could suggest' a. capital experimental dinner to the editor of the
Gastronomic Art Journal-an admirable publication for those who can
afford to dine at one pound seventeen a-head. Here is my fMenu in
kitchen French.:-
Potages.-Jambes de bcenfs; Pieds de moutons (clair). Poissons.-
Harengs frais; Filets de plaice Anglais. Entries.-Pieds de blaufs
gel]e avec garniture de jambon; Rissoles de pore itouffd. Relev6es.
-T6te d'agneau h la crdme; Roast rump of beef (Anglais). Rots.-
Pigeons; Lapins i la sauce piquante. Pancakesn; Beignets do pomme.
There, sir, will you come and dine with.me P

FISBMONGoER' HAUL.-An indiscreet speech from the President of
the Board of Trade.


--1-


11









12 FTU -N-. __[MARH 13, 1869.


il '" IT'S THE EARLY BIRD," &co.
J. BY A LIE-A-BED.
MonE than one has shown how hollow
Is this proverb, and absurd;
M0NEY For the worm, it sure must follow,
A ANCE''Got up earlier than the bird.
S Doubtless too the bird in question
TO ANY Eating with too great a zeal,
Suffered much from indigestion
Owing to that morning meal.
And, it would not be surprising
If tlat birdie fell a prey ,
To the sportsman-early rising
Makes the aim so sure they say.
Perhaps its young too-had it any-
By their parent left forlorn,
Caught catarrhal ailments many
From the keen, cold air of morn.
Other birds-for birds will chatter-
When they saw the bird alight,
Might have chirped with scornful patter-
"Ah! the rake's been out all night "
Summing up the case concisely,
This decidedly I say,
Early birds don't get on nicely,
Early rising does not pay !


Lines on Miss Lydia Thompson's Locks.
UPON the Atlantic's further side
They're saying that her hair is dyed;
And LYDIA is compelled to swear
Her legal right to her own hair.
e- Yet needs she not to feel aggrieved,
For you and I might be deceived
By one so perfect in each part,
"' THE MONDAY POP." Her art seems nature-and her nature art.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. Hibberd! of Thee I'm Fondly Dreaming!
Mn. WATTS PHILLIPS'S capital drama of the Dead Heart has been To this gentleman we must refer a correspondent who inquires if
revived at the Adelphi, where it draws as large house s as ever. Robert the clematis is indigenous to Great Britain- if not, when was it first
Landri is one of M n. WEBSTER's best impersonations; a5d, indeed, ae-lematis-ed (evidently meaning ac-elimb-atised). For our own part,
the whole of the Adelphi company seem well suited. Mn. ARTHUR we should feel inclined to reply to his first question-Deciduously
STIRLING as the Abbe Latour, however, fairly shares with MR.WEBSTER not!
the honours of the evening. It is with great regret that we observe .
that a habit of dwelling at too great length on her words, first ob- EPIGRAM.
servable in her acting of Sally in No Thoroughfare, has become con- THE fact a deal of clamour makes
firmed with MRs. MELLON, and much detracts from the excellence of That half-a-dozen Kittiwakes
what used to be one of her best parts. In Brutus, the Terror of Kings, Have in the Park been seen.
we miss the broad humour of MR. TooLE: Mn. BELMORE'S forte does The OVEREN and GURi sY mu res
not lie in this particular direction, and he is better suited with, we may Prove that there always lots of gulls
say, better work. The Dead Heart is preceded by one of the regular Have in the City been.
screaming old Adelphi farces, Did you ever send your Wife to Camberwell?
-first made famous, if we mistake not, by poor WRIGHT.
ON Wednesday last Mn. ROBERT BUCHANAN gave his second reading More's the Shame!
from his own works, at the Hanover-square Rooms. The selection En-strange to say-has this "chalk" over Albion:-Hereno
was perhaps hardly as good as that of the first reading; for though it man can make headway without strict application, but how often do
contained some of MR. BUcH xAA 's best works, they were hardly so we see that "No Irish need apply" p
suited for reading aloud. "Liz" and "The Starling "' were by far we see that "No Irish need aly"
the most successful, though "The Little Milliner" and "Poet
Andrew" were both very well received. Mn. BUCANAN's delivery is Quite so!
clear and distinct, but perhaps a trifle too slow, at any rate for the A sEzmors contemporary who is given to publishing moral maxims,
humorous poems, which would have told the better, for a little smart- says:-
ness. It is also doubtful whether an alteration of pitch here and there I "Good order is bread; disorder is starvation."
would not have corrected the unavoidable effect of monotony which is And that is all very well; but "idleness is loafing." How about that?
produced by a whole evening's reading by one reader. But these are
minor defects. We feel that MR. BucuANAN will become one of our
recognized readers, and we welcome him as such with pleasure. It is LITERARY NOTE.
not often that we can find a poet capable of: interpreting his own WE see that MEBssns. MnACMILLAN announce, among other new works,
writings as Mn. BucmANAx does, to the delight of intelligent audiences. Bacon's Advancement of Learning. Does Bacon owe this advancement
MR. anD Mns. HowAnc PAUL have taken the Great St. James's Hall, to Hogg's Instructor .?
where, on the 11th and 12th instant, they will give one afternoon and
two evening performances of their popular entertainment, and will in- .. TO DINERS-OUT.
troduce a variety of new songs and fresh characters. TIME your jokes with discretion. For instance, reserve rather for a
public dinner than a friend's table your remark that the soup is not
A Poon LoOK-OUT.-A workhouse window. "the cheese."








MAnCH 13, 1869.]


FUTjN.


A GIRL'S LIFE.
In Six Chiapters.

CHAPTER l.-BABYHOOD. .
THE dearest of dimples, the tiniest face,
With a baby's bewitching, inscrutable grace,.
Can we fancy just now she will go the whllkpace;.
When her wee head has knownaaeventeemasunmmnnr
For now she's a laugh and a kiss and a smile,.
Looking up at mamma with shy glance all the while.;
A coquette in her cradle she'll sweetly beguileh
With a childish flirtation alLoamers.

CHAPTER II.-GItmnHoon.,
A rGInL-sweeter fairfor the shy little look,
As she bends o'rramnovel, or some lesson book,,
At some nice-little'boy,.'tis herearliest "1luke,"'
In.a-game that will end in her winning,;,
Though- cynical BKnoe might sneer:akf agiAlr.
Who enjoys bread:and butter, the tiniest nrl
On her head can set young thoughts in amorous .whirl,
And the loves of a life are beginning.

CHAPTER IMh-MAIDENHoon.
GROWN older, she grows also sweet and serene,
There's a halo of love around pretty nineteen,
And she rules o'er a court, an imperious-queen,
Whose commands are so pleasant tb'follow.
Fair lady, I counsel you, bring down your bird
While he sighs for a smile, while he hangs on a word,
For a man's heart, as, doubtless, you often have heard,
Is terribly vacant and hollow.

CHAPTER IV.-MATRONHOODn.
You're married,-now throw off the flimsy disguise,.
HTe'll look on you now with far different eyes,.
And you'll feign the politest, serenestasmiprise,
If he ever expects wifely duty.
What's the use of a husband but this, so you'll say,
Just to hear all your whims, and to grin, and to pay,
He's a bore too, sometimes, when he stops in the way
Of a victory won by your beauty.
CHAPTER V.-MOTHERHOOD.
You've children ? Ah, well.! keep them safely upstairs,
Let them play with the nursery tables and chairs,
They're a source of annoyance and infinite cares,
S If.once you begin any nursing.
You've tooemany visits to make and receive,
And you've too many pleasures from morning till eve,
And you've too many balls, where you'll dance and deceive
In a part that needs little rehearsing.

CHAPTrr VI.-THE EnD.
Is-the tale well-nigh.told,? Has the end come at last,
When the pleasures and sins of.your life are all past,
And a something is creeping your heart round, so fast
That you gasp for a.braathP With stem face he
Comes in w ill strip off the tinsel and gold,
And your heart will cease beating-your face will grow cold,
And the sod and the daisies upon you be-relled-
And I sigh-" '2equieecat in pace."


Long Looked-for,, (bme at Last.
A coTEPoroARY, speaking of the cancelling of the appointment of
Chief Engineer and Inspector of Machinery at Chatham, observes fi-
"Though sudden, itis believed that the order was not expected.?
Isn't there some mistake here ? Can it be that though looked-for the
order was not unexpected-no! not that: but these things are so very
confusing, we must leave our readers to puzzle them out for them-
selves.

TALKING OF THE WEATHER.
IT will probably be imparted to you by some close observer of
Nature that "The weather's been very open this season, Sir.'
Answer him, "Yes! Open to a good deal of remark!"

THE- IRST "MAN OF THE WORLD."-ATLAS.
CRMB-PE'rrsi- obin red-breasts-.


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
AnRCH.
THE Cornhill winds up "That Boy of Norcott's" too abruptly.
It is one of the best of Mn. LEVEa's latest works, nevertheless.
Lettice Lisle is good. Mn. CHARLES RhADE interests us with the
opening of his new story Put Yournelfiin His Place." Of the other
articles, one on "'1ailway Signalling,,"' iswmest. readable. The bit of
verse is passable.. The illustrations are inferior.
London Society. is somewhat dull. Mn. BtmNMAN's London Lyric "
is sweet and. musical, and "Cousin Car flows pleasantly. With
'the Courkat Oompiegne is amusing, andi so 'i "'Days at the Crystal
Palace." -Biutcthe puzzle-o the number iw toflnd' out the meaning of
the illustmatin, to' "Offioerwsand Gentlemen "-an amusing sketch, by
the way. "See the Story "' is-inscribed beneath the picture, but hours
of study-have'failedito discover the connection.. The pictures on the
whole- are good,, though it ii, doubtful whether the crude sketch of
COUNrTESB SPEaNCE wilLdb credit to the memory of that clever artist,
Gt.AI.TnoAsi
Bl4ratiewoulillbe more welcome if it brought us a; Bigger instal-
mcnt of "'Bbundl to John Cbmpany." Maes.. Mon, AL. T ioanuarY,
and M t:SkAvma, however, combine to makethenumber ai good. one,
and Ma1z8iea, though somewhat too violently virtnous,,iS amining on
" Stage' ,Costume." The illustrations ama feeble, especially that to
" My'lhemy's:Daughter."'
IN TempflBar the best things are "'The Jealousy ofi Lnovaes" Six
Years in the Prisons of England,"' and a scrap of "'Paris' Gossip."
" Tyrrells Confession" isbettor than the usual run of6 T.'.B. verse;
but it is difficult to conceive how the author, who has managed tile rest
so well, shouldthiae plungediinto such an execrable coupliat.aBs-
The thought of'allitbat chanced before
The vision of the broken laaw,"-(lord))
THE rArgosy Has a good "Jbnim y Ludlow"' this.monfti. "'Mrs
Hubbard's Three Warnings" is amusiiahg and "Clbriora"' fanciful
and musical. The Editor's story occupies.more thanwhalf the magazine
-is not that- too much ?'" The less said' ablut the illustration the
bettor!
Vnder thet Cown continuestomake its way, and may. be looked upon
as fairly established. Its conductors must, however, guard against ifs
being overdone with essays, and treatises.. The, illustration is sus-
ceptible of improvement still, but altogether the magazine presents a
satisfactory appearance.
THE London is in full force this month, with more, and perhaps
better, articles than usual. The Ladies' Treasury and Le Follet are al: o
to hand.

LIBER STUDD-uRUM.-A betting-book on next Derby.
THE BEST PER 0ORMER ON THE FLYING TRAPEZE.-One who will fly
with it out of sight and never come back.
WHa s HOLD A MAN COME Ur SMILIN ? "-When he dives upon
a pearl.



[WYe cannotireturn unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied'by a stamped and directed, envelope; and wee do not hold ourselves
responsible for loas.]
CONSTANT READER.-You are right in your conjecture; but we cannot
adopt your suggestion.
MARRIED SuBsciaiEn.-A modern version of Horace.
MENS.-Other men's, though guaranteed as original.
P. Q. (Cheltenham).- P. Q.-liarly bad.
R. B. writes to suggest the starting' of' a Lilliput Bed at- the Child's
Hospital. "It would be a practical way of proving that FuN's roadbrs can
do something else besides laugh." We have no doubt any sums forwarded
to the Secretary, at the Hospital, for that purpose will' be duly applied as
our correspondent suggests, and we should be glad to hear that the notion
had been acted upon.
SIMON.-A fuss about nothing-don't you think so ?
H. (Co thall-court).-How often must we repeat we do not require
acrosticso?
M. (Lancaster).-See above.
W. C. (Stamford).-Has been forestalled elsewhere.
F. C. THOMSON (William-street, Limehouse).-You are toos courteous.
Why did you ask our opinion if you thought it bad ?
LACKLAND.-We regret to have to refuse, but have reasons for doing so.
Declined with thanks :--Bicoster Hunt Ball; J. M. W., Queen's-place ;
.T. 0.; A. S. B., Glasgow; Fama semper viret; 1-. R., Netting-hill
C. W. W., Greenwich; Veil of Tears; Hermit Crab; Briefless; Ca et La ;
J. M. T., Maida-hill; C. J., Braintree; F., Woolwich; Pius X.; A. M. Z.;
E. L.,-Surreystreet; S. G., Aberdare; J. E., Belfast; A Subscriber;
Repartee; C. E. B.,Wigan; J. O'R. H., Maguiresbridgc; Craighall;
,M. L., Hitchin; T. S., Cork; W. G. K.; Vigilous; M. A. H., Tottenham ;
H. E., Dublin; Miles, Dublin'; F. B. R., Woolwich; Pi,.Liverpool.








14 F U [MARCH 13, 1869.

































SOMEBODY OR NOBODY.
Moossoo (to nan who has just touched his hat to stout party on horseback) :-" TELL ME, SARE, WHO IS ZAT GENTLEMANS ?"
Man:-" OH, WE CALLS 'EM THE MARE AND CORPORATION." [foossoo makes a note to that effect.

TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. ground-the little seaside village of Portlappoch and its environs-is
sketched in, with the quaint population and the oddities of the place,
THE beautiful old ballad of "Robin Gray" has been selected by not forgetting Girzie Todd, and her Cuddie," Dawnie.
Mn. CHABLES GIBBON for the foundation of a novel, as it was by MR.
HALLIDAY for the plot of a drama. But while the playwright managed
to spoil the story in Daddy Gray, the novelist has adhered closely to it, A New Lyte.
and availed himself of all its strength in his work. But we must not WE beg to suggest to the various painters, who about this time are



have seldom read a more engrossing tale. It is next to impossible to
put it down when you havsuppose that the begun it. Yet its incidents are, on the look-ou The Alps, the Alps, the joyous Alps,
though exciting, not made up of the ordinary sensational materials. I bow me to their snowy scalps
The characters are admirably drawn, with a strong national flavour That rush into the sky."
about them. McWhapple, or Clashgirn, to give his lairdship his title,
is a subtle bit of painting; and Ivan Carrach may claim rank with A TouCH or IRaoY.-The skates in the ironmongers' windows of
Dick Hatteraick as a creation of a peculiar class. If we must find late.
fault, it is with the extraordinary development of Jeanie's character
after her husband's incarceration; though there is no limit possibly to THE ROUTE FOR THE GALLANT.-County Gal-way.
the power of womanly instinct under such trying circumstances. The
end of the story may not be quite in accordance with the wishes of the NOTICE.-How ready, the Fifteenth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, leing
sentimental, but it is a wholesome and a moral one-the only one that
could be thoroughly satisfactory. It would, be unfair to dismiss the THE EIGHTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
work without a word of praise for the capital way in which the back- Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, Ss.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. ea"A.


OVER COATS, 21s. TO 63s.
IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE OR MADE TO MEASURE.

SAMUEL BROTHERS, so, LUDr&ATn rIIIrL.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: March 13, 1869.








MARCH 20, 1869. j B N 15


OF CERTAIN ODD FISH.
BY oun ow COMPLETE ANGLER.
SScHoLAR.-There be, so I have heard, some strange kinds of fish in
the ponds beyond Brompton, and you have alreadyy told me so much,
that I am willing to believe still, more especially as the powdered beef
went mighty well with that last pot of ale; and here, now, is a con-
venient place to rest in under the trees, where we may see the river
without the trouble of casting a line.
. PISCAToR.-And, indeed, I have heard that just here such a cast
would add but little to our basket, for the finny tribes are not without
their commonwealths; and such a pother as hath been made of late
about their concerns by the naturalists, who one would think but
officious persons, that I hear from those who have been here since
Martinmas the best chub, as well as the grayling and the bigger
perch, have left these waters; but they nmiht be captured alive and
mewed up in those tanks which your credulity hath called ponds,
there to be made a gaping stock of, which is what a well-ordered fish


grown, with a kind of outer tumour or wart, that would make no
man's mouth water to eat them for breakfast, though I have heard
that from these tanks we are to have our river stocked withal.
PIscATOn.-Ah, such is the short-sightedness of those legislators
who are not also anglers, and love not a life such as ours by the river's
brink! Even science cannot make a silken purse out of a sow's car, and
fish thrive ill in water-butts. The streams have been cleared of fish
in season and out of season, and now it is thought to mend matters by
putting in sickly things that will scarce breed, instead of leaving
those that are here already to their own affairs. It is this science that
hath been called a notable invention, for that it taketh from .the river
and the sea that which cannot thrive on land; and casteth into the
water that which makes living things therein to perish or to flee, and
is wanted to enrich the soil, and grow food for man and beast.
SCHOLAR.-It hath often struck me how great a resemblance there
seemeth between the words shore and sewer.
PISCATOR.-Yes; and it is these seeming affinities that your notables
arc ever running their heads against, which if such an action would


never can endure. Therefore, there are but sticklebags, minnows,
and it may be a few millers' thumbs, down in the mud, the which are not
worth our wetting a line for; and the large game have sought far
better quarters up above by the paper-mill, where there is a dam, and
good baiting-ground withal; though some do hold that the liquors
and chemicals that flow down from such places are abhorrent to the
fish, and cause them to lose flesh. All I know is that within this
week past I have taken some thumpers close by the pool of the mill,
and that they did bite freely, as though they had the appetite that
comes of soundness; and it hath seemed to me that those alkalis and
medicaments that come down may be healthful to fish when they have
been over-worried by the restless science of mankind; just as we, when
full of care and the sickness that comes of worldly strife, betake us to
the waters of the German springs, or, which is is more to be com-
mended, soberly drink seltzer with our wine, and correct the evil
humours of the body with potash and soda.
SCHOLAR.-Truly it is pleasant to hear such wisdbm, and this is a
fresh proof how men arrive at true knowledge, by contemplation as
well as action; being, if one may say so, busy without excitement,
and thoughtful without indolence. I remember well that I saw some
of the naturalist's fish which were bred in boxes of glass, and others
imprisoned in troughs, and there were many of them sickly and over-


break the affinities it might be well; but breaking their heads instead,
we have all sorts of vagaries, that can only be escaped by getting out
on a day such as this, and contenting the mind with sticklobags till
men grow wiser. But methinks I saw a dimple in the face of the
stream, as though the soft spring rain had kissed it. We will get us
under this tree for a while, and discourse on the strange properties of
the herb called tobacco, the which, by-the-bye, fish cannot abide,
so that I should not greatly wonder if some wiseacre do some day use
it for bait.

Ear, hear!
IN an account of a duel between two fashionable Paris celebrities, a
contemporary says:-
Both of the principals were hit; one in the car, which, we must all allow, Is
rather too near to be agreeable."
Well, that depends on the length of the ear to a great extent; and we
should be inclined to credit these gentlemen with a good supply.

THE EoD OF A FAST" LIFE.-Starvation.
A BAD PLUCK'n 'UN.-A Tough Goose.


VOL. IX.









IFU N.


FUN OFFICE, March 17th, 1869.
AS it struck none of our M.P.'s, that the full statistics supplied
by the police to LonD KIMBERLEY for his measure for punishing
habitual criminals tell more against the force than in favour
of the bill, which, after all, will depend to a great extent on
their capacity for working it? We are informed that there are
twenty-three thousand known thieves and burglars, three thousand
and odd receivers, thirty-three thousand vagrants, and twenty-nine
thousand suspects." It is a pity that alongside of this accurate
knowledge of felondom, we had no return of the number of undis-
covered thefts and robberies which occur. Are the energies of the
boasted detective force so exhausted in supplying the number of wrong-
doers, that the misdeeds escape notice ? The thing is absurd! The
police know all about it-so accurately that they distinguish between
the twenty-three thousand known and the twenty-nine thousand sus-
pected. But when a robbery is committed all their exhaustive know-
ledge doesn't bring them to the right track-except when "they
receive information," which means when an outsider guides them, or
" peaches on his friends. It is to be supposed that their excuse for
not catching the particular thief out of the exact twenty-three thou-
sand is that of the nigger who counted the whole litter of pigs-
except the little black and white one, who ran about so that he couldn't
count him.
IT is to be hoped that the Opposition will not allow the dis-appoint-
ment of MR. EDWARD WATKIN EDWARDS to pass unquestioned. Apart
from his aptitude for jobs, which should recommend him in that
quarter, he displayed very valuable powers, and a versatility which
was surprising. He would have made an admirable Chancellor of the
Exchequer for the late Ministry. Indeed, the policy of paying for the
going out of the Abyssinian expedition, and utterly ignoring the
cost of its return (which the new Government has had to pay), might
almost have been suggested by the adviser of the firm of OVEREND
AND GURNEY, remarkable for his skill in keeping the cases he had to
deal with out of bankruptcy. To be sure, as an Official Assignee he
ought not, perhaps, to have exercised this skill, because it was
damaging the shop to which he belonged, and on this ground he may
have been dismissed. But dismissed he is-and so exit E. W. E.
Those initals, by the way, form the word "Ewe." There will be
little difficulty in guessing the colour of the sheep.

LovEns of the sea and its beauties will be glad to learn that steps
are being taken to procure an Act of Parliament for the protection of
the sea-birds. They add a charm to the scene, and are useful sca-
vengers; so that as the ornamental and useful they have a claim on
us. But the student of nature does not go into the question of use
and beauty. It is enough to him that these harmless creatures have
been endowed with life and a power of enjoyment; and-except in
extreme cases-are not killed for food. It is hard that the coast-
visiting cockney cannot leave the poor birds alone, and that men even
who should know better are tempted sometimes bQcause a gun is at
hand to deprive the shore of one of its graceful habitants. But when the
birds are shot at the time when they are rearing their young, the
question becomes graver; and it to be hoped that there will be a
"close time" for them, as there is for salmon, and even Reynard,
the roost-robber.
Tms day Dark Blue and Light Blue meet once more to dispute the
sovereignty of the Thames. Public sympathy must go with the Cam-
bridge crew for their pluck in continuing the contest. Should Fortune
favour the Light Blue, Oxford men will be the first to congratulate
their rivals, and in doing so will be half consoled for defeat.

A Confusion of Terms.
WE hasten to assure SNOBBINS, who called on a Duke the other day
and got kicked down-stairs for his pains, that he will hardly be justi-
fied in saying that in his relations with his Grace he has acquired a
good footing. He might be mistaken.
PITCH AND TOSS.
IF instrumentalists require new horns in consequence of the altera-
tion of the pitch, does it follow that mad bulls will require new horns
for their toss ? The question leaves us on the horns of a dilemma.

A RARA Avis IN TERRIS."-Mxss SwANN.


[MACHO 20, 1869.


S. DAISY!


ING_! Sing! little
maid, from
your seat on
; tthe boughs,
Very pleasant,
auh.! etno doubt, but
unsteady.
S Did you scramble
Sup there to be
safe from the
cows ?
Why! Mylove,
you've a lover
already!
What a queer lit-
Mtle man with
SOrhis hand on
his heart,
All his hair
with emotion
unaisy, Z -
If the horse of his language don't follow the cart,
You must not be surprised, little Daisy!
Laugh! laugh! little woman, but mind you don't fall,
For he may not be able to catch you;
You've chosen discreetly a lover so small,
For a bigger than he wouldn't match you.
Maybe that his merriment's due to his nose,
Or maybe his plans are but hazy,
Or is it his fortune is small P I suppose
At your feet he is flinging it, Daisy!
Sigh! sigh! little girl that you're bound to confess
That neither your bread nor your butter
Will spring out of nothing, and living on less
Is scarcely delightful, you mutter.
Oh! isn't it hard that this story-book love
In reality never is lazy,
'Tis pleasant to swing it, but one little shove
Brings both of you down to us, Daisy !
Say! say! to that naughty boy-lover who kneels,
And talks just as long as you let him,
You are perfectly sure he declares what he feels,
Though it's best on the whole to forget him!
You know he's neglected his sheep, you believe
You've driven him frantic and crazy;
But now that he's done for, you daughter of Ev,
Why, what is the use of him, Daisy
Sing sing little maid, he'll go back to his sheep,
You'll sigh very likely-and know he will weep,
But the last thing you dream of is sinning.
'Tis merely the way of the world to forget,
And the ways of a woman are mazy;
There are lovers and lovers in plenty-but yet
They will not always kneel to you, Daisy!


Bruce-que Economy.
THE Government are introducing reduction with great advantage,
into speech as well as other branches of its duties. On Tuesday,
March 2nd, the following speech was made by the Home Secretary,
on the subject of-
TURNPIKE TRUSTS.
Ma. G. Cnrav asked whether any legislation on this subject was contemplated
during the present session.
Ma. Brca.-No.
MR. BnucE has set a good example. If there were less talk, there
would be more work done.
The Last from the House.
WE have been informed that the other evening the Siamese Twins
were taken to the House of Commons to see the proceedings of the
English Parliament. They unfortunately arrived just at the end of a
debate, and were thrown into such a state of alarm by the cries of
"Divide Divide !" that they beat a precipitate retreat.
THE EDITORIAL "WEE."-His Youngest.







F U N .-MAno 20, 1S69.


Nn~N







-'~ -. .--._._. . ..


OF F!


Coxswain Dizzy :-" IF WE CAN'T BEAT HIM OFF THE CHURCTE


WE MUST TRY AND MAKE A FOUL OF IT!








FUN.


LIFE FOR LIFE.
ACT I. SCENE 1.-MACRONALD'S Castle-hall,
With MISTRESS URSULA discovered tatting.
URSULA. My brother Angus has gone forth to fight
The Clan Mackane. I hope he won't be killed.
But as the clan is eight-and-twenty strong,
And he is only one, a betting chiel
Would back the clan at very lengthy odds.
To her there enters LILIAN, her niece.
LILIAN. Good morrow, auntie. Has papa come home ?
You weep ? That tear informs me he has not !
Alas! I wish he wouldn't fight so much.
I often tell him these perpetual rows
Do not become a Highland gentleman.
Alarms and excursions heard without.
Then enter men, with Xenelm prisoner.
A MAN. Your father is no more; Mackane's claymore
Has sliced him as I'd slice a cucumber!
LIniLA. Mysterious man! Although your words are framed
In dark enigmas; yet I read your meaning !
You meant to tell me my papa is dead ?
A MAN. I do.
LILIAN. Well, well-perhaps it's for the best.
A MAN. But here is Kenelm- son of the Mackane-
He is our prisoner. Let him be slain
To expiate his father's murd'rous deed.
LILIAN. Back, man! Although his father murdered mine,
If I don't mind that murder, why should you ?
THE CLAN. Give us his blood.
LILIAN. Stand back! He wants it all.
He is a charming boy, and plays his part
With much enlivening vivacity.
If you destroy him, how will you relieve
The classic tedium of the next three acts ?
THE CLAN. In truth that thought did not occur to us.
But if he lives he must adopt our name
And choose a pattern for his Syd'nhams' from
The fifteen different tartans of our clan.-
He must consent for all his life to wear
'The curious kilt of the Macronald tribe,
The kilt that's made in puckers at the waist,
And knows no mean, in length, 'tween inches nine
And inches six and thirty. He shall wear
That kilt made out with crinoline and wire
And underneath that kilt the worsted tights
That, trumpet-tongued, proclaim Macronald's clan.
LILIAN. All this, and more, the frightened youth shall wear.
ACT II.-The Convent of St. Catherine,
Where, somehow, LILIAN is visiting.
To LILIAN enters OSCAR (Clan Mackane).
OSCAR. My LILIAN !
LmiA.. Oscar! How I love thee, boy!
My own loved OSCAR! By the bye, my dear,
Who are you ? What's your clan ?
OSCAR. The Clan Mackane.
LILIAN (in horror). Back, monster Clan Mackane? My
brother killed.
My father! oh, away! away! away!
OSCAR. This is unfortunate, indeed; but see,
My brother 'twas who killed your sire-not I-
You are to marry me, my dear, not him.
If you were going to espouse my brother,
Then your objection would be just indeed!
LILIAN. Oscar, thou reasonest well. Embrace me, love!
I thank thee for that sensible remark.
OscAR. Thank Doctor Whately, Lilian-not me
LILIAN. A prayer for Whately, Oscar, ere we part
They kneel and pray for WHATELY. End of Act.
ACT III.-. Valley, where the coryphees
Of Clan Keekane are halting on their march.
.knter SIR OSCAR. Ballet girls all cheer.
Sm OSCAR. Thanks for this welcome. Is my brother well
MICHAEL. Save that he sits apart in gloomy state,
And yields himself an overwilling prey
To thoughts of vengeance and acute remorse
Because his son, young Kenelm, has been slain
By fierce Macronalds, he is pretty well!
MURnOCK, SIR OSCAR's brother, enters here.
SIR OSCAR. My noble brother, I'm about to man5 !
M URDOCK. Then go to Davie's-but, nay, pshaw! I rave
Whom would ye marry, boy ? Come, give it mouth


Sm OscAR. Whom would I marry ? I would marry her
(Of course) who's daughter to our deadliest foe.
Fair Lilian, of Macronald's haughty tribe!
MURDOCK. Wed a Macronald! Never Marry one
Whose father slew my pretty little boy,
The boy who's pleasant epiqlerie
So brightly cheered the dulness of our Acts ?
SIR OSCAR. That is the lady I propose to wed.
MURDnCK (dissembling). I consent (aside) I don't.
I will be even with ye, brother, yet!
Come (this is sa'd aloud) we'll witness now
The corps de ballet of the Clan Mackane.
Grand ballet, with a song, and curtain falls.
ACT IV.-Room in MACRONALD's Castle. Night.
Fair LILIAN enters in soliloquy.
LILIAN. My Oscar! What a pity 'tis that you
Should happen to belong to Clan Mackano !
If you belonged to Clan Macronald, we
Might marry comfortably any day.
But as you don't, we can't. What follows then
But that 'twere better, if you wouldn't mind,
To join our clan and let dissensions end.
Enter MACKANE in harpers dress disguised.
MACKANE. Pity the sorrows of a poor old man,
Whose trembling steps have led him to your door-
LILIAN. Oh, certainly, come in, my poor old friend,
And play me something on your quaint old harp.
Be casts off his disguise as princes do
In pantomimes when changed to Harlequin.
LILIAN (exclaims in mortal terror). Who are you?
MACKANE. I am thy hated foe, the dread Mackane.,
Your father slew my son, and I am here
To pay the debt I owe your clan, in full!
LILIAN. What would you, monster ?
MACKANE. I would have thy blood.
It is a haughty boast of the Mackanes
That when a member of the clan is slain
They seek for vengeance- not against strong men
(For strong men could return them blow for blow),
No, they contrive a nobler plan than that,
They catch some timid woman all alone-
Some woman who could never hit them back.
And when her clan don't happen to be looking,
They sheath their poniards in her bosom-thus!
About to stick his dirk in LILIAN'S ribs.
LILIAN. Hold, fiend! My father never slew thy son!
Behold him here! He's waiting thy embrace !
Young KENELK enters from a secret door.
MACKANE. It is- it is my son! Ha! ha! ha! ha!
Who saved thy life, boy ?
KENELM. This young lady did !
MACHANE. Then she shall marry Oscar. Oscar, ho !
OSCAR appears and runs to LILIAN'S at ms.
Thou shalt espouse Macronald's lovely girl!
Macronalds and Mackanes henceforth are one
At least, as long as Life for Life shall run!
(The Curtain falls because the play is done.)
OURSELVES. A piece in literary merit strong,
A piece in story and construction weak.
It is much longer than it needs to be,
Playing (on Saturday) from eight o'clock
Until eleven thirty, by our troth.
Miss NEILSON plays the part of Lilian.
Her elocution is extremely clear,
Her voice is sweet-her face expressive, too.
She plays the part with much intelligence,
Although she's somewhat mannered in her style.
Mackane's by MR. HERMANN VEZIN played;
One sees in every thing this actor does
The thoughtful, educated gentleman
(The part is hardly worthy of him, though).
Miss MINNIE SIDNEY played a sprightly boy
So nicely as to please our Lordships much.
The scenery is good-the dresses poor,
And (to a Highlander) ridiculous.

Out on Ye !
WE hear that a certain portion of the parish of Bridgwater saw fit to
"liquor-up on the strength of the result of the late election petition.
Doubtless they gave effect to their inclinations in the shape of goes
of gin-" two outs."


MAcH 20, 1869.]









22 FUN.


[MAnCH 20, 1869.


QUITE TIME!
Old Gent (waking up suddenly) :-" Hi, PORTER! WHERE DOES THIS TRAIN
STOP NEXT P"
Porter :-" DON'T STOP ANY MORE, SIR !"
Old Gent (excitedly) :-" NOT STOP ANY MORE HERE, HI! OPEN THE
DOOR-I'LL GET OUT here !"


A CRY FROM THE CAM.
March 17, 1869.
OH, thou, whatever name enhance
My calling to thy ear,
Oh, Fortune, Favour, Luck, or Chance,
My fond petition hear !
Thy mighty nod the sons.to-day
Of Cam and Isis wait ;
Reverse thy wheel, dread goddess, pray,
And, oh reverse our fate.
For eight sad years have briny tears
Filled Alma Mater's eyes:
Eight times in vain with painful strain
Her sons have sought the prize.
But consolation's hidden deep
Behind the tears that gush;
For though she often had to weep-
She never had to blush.
Let SELWYN say, let GRIFFITHS tell
(No braver e'er have been)
The toil that they endured so well,
The pang they felt so keen.
Four years in swift succession still
Found KINGLAKE at his place,
Alas for science, pluck, and skill-
Four years we lost the race !
Wilt thou not grant us of reward
To reap a single tithe ?
Was it for this we toiled so hard
To Baitsbite and Clayhithe ?
Oft Ely's towers looked grimly o'er
Our training contests there,
And Cam grew narrower than of yore
In sorrow and despair.'
And, oh, if now from Mortlake's bank
Ring forth the voice of fame,
And Science, Valour, Beauty, Rank,
Our conquest all proclaim,
We'll say it did not cost too dear
To lose in days gone by,
If now we list to such a cheer
For such a victory!

A "FoG" SIGNAL.-The Last Glass.


A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE.
THE party was over. So much so, that I was the last to leave, and
when I came into the lobby found there was only one hat there. As
usually happens after evening parties that hat was not mine. But that
was not the worst of it. The gentleman, if he will permit me to call
him so, had left his head in it; a fact which, while it excused his
thoughtlessness in taking my hat by mistake, rendered my position the
more confusing.
A few moments of meditation sufficed to show me the course I had
to pursue. The hat, I should mention, was far too large for my own
head. I stepped into the supper room, which was luckily on the same
floor, and hastily snatching up a dessert spoon, I severed my own head,
which I gave to the servant, telling her I would call for it in the morn-
ing. I then clapped on the head and hat in the lobby and left the house.
Then began my difficulties. My body, accustomed to the habits
inculcated by my own head, was utterly at a loss to reconcile itself to
the strange directions issued by that which belonged to the strange
gentleman. He was evidently of a jocose nature, for he knocked at
doors, and rang bells, and chaffed policemen with an audacity which
made my legs stagger and tremble under him. Nor was this all. He
insisted on my body accompanying him into public houses and par-
taking of whisky-Irish whisky-which gave my body some faint
glimmering of his nationality. To make matters worse, Irish whisky
is one of those things which my stomach has a horror of. Consider its
feelings then when in the midst of its disgust it was conscious that
somebody else's lips were smacking as if it approved of the beverage.
To add to my body's misery, although it evinced the greatest
anxiety to go home, the strange head compelled it to walk in another
direction. This did not matter much at first, as my body supposed the
head was only going to its own home. But eventually it turned out
that the head was taking my innocent corpus to the midnight haunts


of vice and dissipation. Thereupon ensued a terrific struggle, in the
course of which I fell down several times with such violence that it is
strange the head did not come off. But the head, as might be ex-
pected, got the better of it; though my body was so exhausted it
could hardly obey its dictates. However, before long it was in the
haunts of iniquity, and my stomach was taking in more of the whisky
in which his lips delighted, while my lungs were asphyxiated by the
cigars that tickled his palate.
But this was not to last long. As my body was reluctantly taking
his head to a fresh haunt they met a policeman, who charged me with
drunkenness. The strange head hiccuped out a confused denial, but
my sober and enraged body was so stung by the insult that it let fly
with its left, and the result was that after a brief melde with several
members of the force, head and trunk were taken to the station-house
and locked up. To aggravate my misery, the head then took it into
its head to ache till morning, when we were taken before the magistrate.
The futile efforts my body made to compel the stranger's head to ex-
plain the solution of the mystery were set down as evidences'of con-
tinued intoxication. The result was my pocket had once again to pay
for another's head.
On my discharge, I hastened to the house where the party had been,
and recovered my head, leaving the stranger's in the bottom of the
Hansom cab. I found my own head aching from the anxiety it had
felt, on reflection, about the safety of its body.
Strange to say, though I have explained all this to my wife, she will
not believe it, and still insists that I must have been intoxicated and
disorderly!

SOMETHING LIKE A CONJUROR!
IT'S all very clever to produce a bowl of gold-fish from a hat-but
show us the man who can bring chops from the gridiron!










MiAci 20, 1869.]


FUN.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 106.
THEIR fortunes are the theme of every tongue,
Alternate are their praises each day sung;
And in a contest that will answer this,
They'll strive; a sight I shouldn't like to miss.
1.-Though he may pull my nose,
Yet you mustn't suppose,
He does it in insult or fury;
It won't be a case
Though he does touch my face,
To settle with judge and with jury.
2.-A peak volcanic towers into the sky,
And in the place they say there is no lack o'
Cloth, and such products natives can supply,
But best of all they send out good tobacco.
3.-A "genial giant"
The poet has told,
How brave and defiant
His banner unroll'd.
A fair sister's honour,
The cause of the fight,
For trick played upon her
By wandering knight.
The tournament over,
That knight, stricken down,
Won wife like a lover
And gave her a crown.
4.-It vanished, was not even left behind;
It led a man on; fleeter than the wind
The horses were, it held them; in a glass
A chemist saw it rise and swiftly pass.
SOLUTION OF ACRosTIC No. 104.-Chambers, onnmmeree: Chic, Hallo,
Alarm, Mum, Babble, Ear, Raccroc, Salve.
SOzLTIOi or AcROSTIC No. 104, RECEIVED MARCH 10th, 1869.-None correct.

A Stake in the Country.
An account is given by the Mining Journal of a new stove made to
consume petroleum. The oven, our contemporary states, attains a
baking heat in from one to two minutes, and "bread, apples, and
potatoes were baked, as well as a stake cooked in the presence of the
meeting."
If this is to be taken literally, while petroleum supplants wood as
fuel, wood is about to be converted into an article of food. We can-
not say from our own experience how it answers as an eatable, or how
far it is suited to take its meet place with our joints, but if wood could
it should be a boon to the poor.

A Good Notion.
A MONSIEUR JOUGLET announces that he has discovered a method
for cleansing printed paper. He should be engaged by Government
to apply the process to the blood and thunder serials intended for
the youth of England. Those serials are known, by the way, as the
"penny awfuls." Would it not be better to call them the "penny
ofi'als," considering what garbage they are ?

A Puff Extraordinary.
A CIGAR seven feet long and thirty pounds in weight has been
manufactured at New Haven, in the United States. It is proposed to
present this New Haven-nah to GENERAL GRANT; but it is hard to see
why the President should be the victim of such an unprecedented
weed. If his Presidency commences with an attempt to blow this
portentous bacca we fear it is likely to end, as well as begin, in smoke.

Toute Autre Shoes.
WHAT a discussion there is about the merits or demerits of the
Goodenough Horse-shoe. And the case is so simple too! If the shoe is
good enough for the purpose, why ask more ?

REST AND BE THANKFUL.
IMPEY KEWNYUS, who is always in difficulties, says he considers
that Sunday is a day of rest because it is not a day of ar-rest.
NOT SUCH A BLOCK-HEADED IDEA.-A misnomer at the present day-
Fleet-street.
A HERO OF FinANCE.--MR. E. W. EDWARDS, Ex-Official Assignee
in the Court of Bankruptcy.


WINGED WORDS.
GREAT changes are whispered in the managements of our numerous
theatres. We give them as we hear them, merely as reports. The
Holborn is to pass into the hands of Min. BAnRY SULLIVAX, amd be-
come a Shakesperian house. The Standard is to become the homo of
the Queen's company, with Mn. TOOLE at its head. And the Queen's ?
Rumour is uncertain, but murmurs something about being carried
out into moonbames." There's talk of a new house for comic opera,
and of a new circus on the Surrey side. But all these whispers are
vague indeed.
On Wednesday, the 17th, Mit. TuariN, the box book-keeper of the
Haymarket, takes his benefit, and as the bill comprises Home and the
perennial lxn and Cox, it should be such a bumper as Mn. Tuni'IN
deserves of the audiences to whose comfort he constantly attends,

THE GOOD KING.
THERE once was a good monarch who'd a joint stool for a throne;
For all the subjects he did rule, he'd but himself alone.
And it ever was his habit in his condescending way
To ask himself to dinner with himself-ay, every day.
He had an old blind mare whereon his progresses to make,
But his subject out to ride with him would always kindly take;
But he didn't ride out often, for the little boys would scoff,
And his subject rode so badly that he feared his falling off.
He never taxed his subject for his chattels or his pelf,
But always paid most handsomely for everything himself.
And moreover when he'd bought it, it would frequently befall,
That his subject very quietly appropriated all.
Yet the monarch never murmured at the doings of the elf-
But loved him like a brother-I may c'en say like himself.
Yet such is man's ingratitude, when that good monarch died,
It grieves me to inform you that his subject never cried.
1foRAL.
He'd have cried for him most likely if a cousin or a brother.
So since he's a bad subject-let us change him for another.

How the Time of the House is Wasted.
Ix reply to a question, Mn. BIUCE lately stated that it was not the
intention of Government to legislate on the subject of Turnpiko
Trusts this session. We should think not, indeed. "Trust" at ai
Turnpike is a thing we must experience before we credit its existence.

A Piece of Advice.
To those who would enjoy a day of uninterrupted sunshine-never
walk about with a "clouded" cane.

A "TRULY LIBERAL" POLICY (recently displayed by the Crystal
Palace Company-read this announcement, never mind the bull).-
"Guinea Season Tickets .Free !"


alsfurs ta xrun-spolffrws.
[We cannot return unaccepted XSS. or Sketches, diless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope ; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
A FOOLISH MOTHER.-Very nice, but not funny-or very funny, but
not nice; we can't decide which.
PAT (Dartford).-Question one-Both. Question two-Yes.
PADDY FROM CORK-who, with Hibernian consistency, dates from
Liverpool-is partly illegible, partly unintelligible.
REJECTED HAL is likely to be hal-ways rejected if he can't do better.
K. Dox.-Quite the reverse.
W. S. D. (Mile-end).-If you "have every reason to believe the enclosed
is original," we can only say that we have one reason more for knowing
it is not.
G. B. C.-Thanks for the suggestion.
M F. T.-The change-recognised by most as a change for the bettor-
is likely to be permanent.
LIvERPOOL.--Ai numbers from the commencement of the Now Series
are in print.
BOB-A-LINK.-Be happy.
LANCASHIRE LAD.-See answer to H. (Copthall-court) in our last.
Declined with thanks.-Squires, Dulwich; H. J. S.; J. B. J., Reading;
J. S. M.; Byan; A Reader; A., Conservative Club; W. J. J. W., Button-
hble, Leeds; W. E.; Undergrad.; F.,Glasgow; Two Faces Under a Hood;
G. R., Queen's-square; Belfast; Trotter, Torquay; Loem; D. W. T.,
Loeadenhall-street; C. B., Baker-street; A Mad Pedagogue; C. W. W.,
Greenwich; Constant Reader; H. W., Birmingham; B., Thames-street;
E. D., Burnlcy; J. E. S., Leyton; E. P. B.; B. G.; G. S. F.


23


i ____ ___









FU N.


[MARCH 20, 1869.


A PLEASANT AGRICULTURAL DISTRICT.
Recommended to the notice of R. Swiveller, Esq.
Native :-" No, SIR, THERE DON'T NOBODY PERTICKLER LEV ABOUT 'ERE, THAT IS, EF THEY CAN 'ELP IT; AND US FARMERS AS DO, BE
MOSE PREVIOUS POOR-MOAST 0' US. WHY, WE ON'Y TASTES BEER ABOUT ONCE A YEAR OR SO-A GLASS WHEN US PAYS OUR RENT; AND
THEN IT GENERALLY MAK'TH US DREADFUL BAD "


CHATS ON THE NAGS.
MARCH.
The St. James's has a most interesting instalment of a "Life's
Assize," and one or two other good papers. "Holiday Theatricals "
is gush, not criticism. The Return of Spring is very neat verse,
and the notice of Hans Breitman is clever. It is pleasant to note that
" Cut Down like Grass comes to an end; it was a blot in an other-
wise good magazine. There seems a little excess of political padding
in this number, and that of a very ultra-strong kind, which is a mistake
in a cheap magazine.
Kettledrum is very good this month, and its illustration is the best it
has had for some time. Science Gossip, always readable, is this month
more than ordinarily interesting. The West End appears to be devoted
to the reproduction of old cuts. The literary portion of it does not
seem to aim at any very lofty standard. The Gardener's Magazine is as
fill of information as ever.
The Sunday Magazine is rich in good pictures. The large drawing
Forgotten by the World" is. very telling. "Miss Bertha" is an
interesting story, which would seem to be not entirely a fiction.
Gnodi WPords is accompanied by a supplement nearly as big as itself,
and quite as good. Both abound in illustrations, and their literary
contents aro as usual up to the mark. "' Toilming and Molling is a


IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE t


SAMUEL BROTHERS,


series that should be studied, and for lighter reading, A Supper in a
Caravan may be safely recommended.
Good Words for the Young seems rather scant this month, but its
contents are as good as ever. An article or two on natural history may
be read with pleasure; and the introduction of such a feature is judi-
cious, as young people like natural history, and are benefited by its
study, since it tends to correct the juvenile instinct to bully dumb
creatures.
Too Good to be True.
LIFE Assurance Policies are now advertised on absolutely uncon-
ditional terms. As the decease of persons holding policies manifestly
cannot be insisted upon as a condition of payment, we counsel all
lucky policy-holders to send in their claims instanter.

THE RIGHT M1AN IN THE RIGHT PLACE.-MR. IRONMONGER, Mayor of
Wolverhampton.

NOTICE.-Now ready, thle Fifteenth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
THE EIGHTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 6s.; Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.


-w
rSE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.

50, LUDC3-A.TBJ3


fIL:Thzc.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS Pnemnix Works, Sr. Andrew's Hill, D.ctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: March 20, l0u0.


OVER COATS 21s. To 68..










MlAuCH 27, 1860.]


FU N.


N

ill /
/11 II


1/


25



-



(IS,


maizu in- -






~AtL


A SETTLER.
This was what happened to poor little Porx-N at Margate last season. When he was trying to witch the world with noble horsemanship, his
hired steed began to lie down in the water.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
THERE is no better collection of fairy tales and stories extant than
that of the BROTHERns GRIMM; and when the stories are illustrated by
etchings by CRUICKSHANK, they become a rare treat. MR. HOTTEN
has just brought' out a new edition of this very popular work, which
will be widely welcomed. It is turned out in a manner worthy of it,
with good paper, print, and binding. The pictures are in CRtUCK-
SHANK's very happiest style, and there is an introduction by MR.
RusKIN, which-like all he writes-is well worth reading. The same
publisher also brings out an interesting little volume of Passages from
the Note Books of Nathaniel Hawthorne. Every page contains some
curious reflection, or some felicity of fancy; and there are several
exquisite descriptive passages. The interest of the volume is enhanced
by a preface by MR. M. 0. CONWAY, in which he gives an account of
Brook Farm, the original of the Blithedale Romance.
THE inventor of the A B C Despatch Box has turned over a new
leaf in the matter of Despatch Boxes, and his invention deserves a
place here, for it is an undoubted boon to literary men and men of
business. It is recommended by its simplicity- the only wonder is
that it was not invented before, as people said when COLUMBUS dis-
covered America, and stood an egg on end. The arrangement is
admirable, the sliding divisions adapting themselves to the wants of
those who require more of C than X for instance, or even of those
egotists whose run would be upon I.

Wash your Little Game P
THE British Medical Journal says that "an alteration is likely to be
made in the import duty on beer, so that foreign beer will in that
respect stand on nearly the same footing as British beer." But only
"in that respect," which is about the only respect it is likely to get
from the British consumer. Any one who has tried the Vienna beer,
which has recently been vended in London, will agree with us that-
paradox though it may appear-it is so very like soapsuds it will
never wash.

YOL. IX.


CAVEAT VENDITOR.
JOE PODGERS, the farmer, he keeps a rare store
Of sheep, as his neighbours can see,
And oxen, and I can't tell how many more,
For a well-to-do fellow is he.
Of beef and of mutton he never doth fail,
And craftily qualified is his milk-pail;
But he never paleth, he quaintly doth say,
As his meat goes to London on each market day.
But oh! oh! oh! his books do show
Where many a cow of his worst doth go.
BILL CHOPPERS he sits in his little back room,
For a butcher discreet is he :
But oft from his premises comes a queer fume,
He says it is only his tea."
But there's a small yard just behind the loft stair,
And folks say they see some strange carcases there;
But CHOPPERS he says, and he looks very bold,
That the meat which he sells is the best ever sold.'
But oh! oh! oh! JOE PODoGEns doth know
Where many a calf of his worst doth go.
JOE PODGERs reclines in his easy chair
Without ever dreaming of strife :
But the dead-meat inspector is heard to declare
That the time for a summons is rife.
And the magistrate has a most critical tongue,
And condemns PODGERS' meat to the dogs to be flung.
So somehow JOE PODGEas don't go home to bed,
But finds himself lodged in a prison instead.
And oh! oh! oh! doth he chuckle and crow
As he tramps on the treadmill ? Oh no No !

Of Course, of Courser.
A LIVERY stable keeper in New York calls his establishment the
"Hotel de Horse." Would not Hoss-pital suit his purpose better P










26 FUN. [MARCH 27, 1869.


SUN OFFICE, -Wednesda, Mearch 24th, 1869.
E 'Peers are bored to death. The Palace -of Westminster
1 re-echoes to their cry of "We've got no work to doooo !" as if
,.J they were so many gardeners suffering from: the late frosts.
"* They positively refuse
To live and lie.reclined
OnCthe hills, like gods, together, careless.of mankind.
Suchlhas ever been:the case with superior beings. Even Olympus wad
so dull, that the deities were glad to slip out on the sly, and come
down-to earth, where they got into all sorts of mischief, just as lads
who are most strictly kept-in at home have the worse fling when they
doescape from the domestic rule.
LoRD SALISBURY who was too recently LOn 'CD e C M.P., to forget
entirely the delights of active life in 'the, Lower House,- has madeithe
misery of the Peers articulate, and a. deputtion of'sixM.P.'swilmneet
a similar number of weary lords, and see ifstsomething cannot betdmne
to give employment to the Upper H.ase).which is growigg",blue-
mouldy,'",for want, not of a batingg;'" but tf de-bating.
-Hew Jupiter HATHERLEY must yawn! 11How Juno CLAns:noo must
be bored! .,And how the fair-haired i&aenL-aceO ugs enua must, pine
for-4resh conquests! The chastei~Basa, must-,wish 's.eveonidhher
SaEArTS- Bev in some worthy quarry.,vsile.A.paoReunListaget.rt that
he has notL:'r-oa a fitting theme. CSB.as,.-withhber RThEMniag
shea-of corn must.be sickle-ied o'erhtiththepida e ast..bfnthought.
The eagle has gone to roost, and Cupid(:GRAwvaumLA nappig.: Bacchus
of MALMESBURY nods on his cask of Malmsay, and Vulcan of DERBY
leans listlessly on his idle hammer. Neptune CHEEMsFORD,- who has
seen no active service since Copenhagen, and Mars SUTHERLAND, who
has been at (if not under) fire often, are tired of such a want of work.
Hebe-she be grown GREY Earl-y in the service-unsuccessful in
(n)'ectoring over the other celestials, is silent. Minerva CAInNS looks
grave, and the Mercurius of SALISBURY utters an eloquent sigh over
the inertness of the Peers.

As in courtesy bound, we hasten to acknowledge a compliment paid
us by the Daily Telegraph in that most sincere form of 'flattery-
imitation, not .to say plagiarism. In the Daily Telegraph of last
Thursday will be found a prose-we will not say prosaic-version of
our cartoon of the day before-a description of the Irish Church con-
test in the House of Commons, allegorically rendered as a boat-race.
We should have felt the compliment more keenly if the young lion "
to whom the task was entrusted had known enough, of either rowing
or the University, not to spoil the figure by making the rivals row for
a cup. We should have thought even the, most hopeless cockney would
by this time have learnt that the only thing the victor of the Oxford
and Cambridge race wins is the glory. We. had almost forgotten to
add that the compliment would have been still more enhanced if the
D. T. had stated that it.was indebted to us for the idea of its leader.

THE Oxford and Cambridge race, although smartly contested, was
but a repetition of. the old story, which the papers might keep stereo-
typed now. The. Light Blue went away with that pretty, flashy, fast
stroke, which gives a lead at the beginning, but could only snatch a
victory by a combination of accidents. Oxford started with the slow,
steady, undemonstrative stroke, with as little in the air and as much in
the water, as possible. Their, opponents might run away a bit at
starting, but the Oxford men knew that their stroke must overtake
them with the certainty of Fate.
Now that the University Race is established as a London sight, the
very least Londoners can do is to assist the subscription for deepening
and widening the Cam. Until that is done there is little chance of
variety in the spectacle.
AFTER a good many false reports, and false starts, the Combined
Opera is fairly under weigh, and has issued its programme. How long
the combination will last it is- impossible to. say; but -it would be
almost a public benefit if it came to an end to-morrow, for the public
has more to gain from competition than from co-operation. To
judge from what .has appeared, the arrangements, are not altogether
satisfactory. The Covent Garden orchestra is retained, it is true, but
it remains to be seen what the body is worth without its head, the
incomparable COSTA. "Then again, the peculiar action taken by MR.
HARGRAVE JENNINGS, in the matter of the Daily News, is scarcely an
indication of a healthy disposition on that side of the bargain. We
can' only hope the-management of the combined Opera.will be-modelled
rather on the .:generous and, splendid scale of the .Covant Garden


regime than in the grimy and mean style which distinguished Her
Majesty's, for the destruction of which by fire opera-goers found a
solitary consolation in the fact that they had seen the last of its
shabby scenery and faded costumes. Of course the list of engagements
is very brilliant, and the repertoire most extensive. It remains to be
seen how far this promise will be ripened into full performance, which
depends, we fancy, on which of the allied governments gets the upper
hand.

.DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 107.
IT'shoots its keen arrow,
I Unswerving, resistless;
-It pierces ayanrin .aw,
Andredars youAlitles:
It patches the skin,
Itt tesheireason,
ItIt maiaealthtiood thin:
And is jtst now-in season!
SL.-4-I .cannot quiite say:it's exactly enough,
And yet it's 'sfificient-Dr was.in its: day.
: Though, it. maypbeparhsaps: like the tough and the rough,
itfs the same,:but.pronouncedin a.different way.
2.-To.! edticklesa'PEaran
SSeama nL not a boon
'Could3hve been much -sweeter
r. nrore pportune!
SSadto thik.he knew not
'ITat somd61olks at noon
SaikSdws evithrew hot!-
(.ITht'a.facffI do not
'.*enturetoimpugn!)
-r-,.-S~-;imederndenants, happy men, you're
:SafeAreinthat-ancient form of tenure;
'Wherebytihd:uckless serf was bound
To see his-.ehieftain amply found-
Whene'er that chieftain so might choose-
In all the needfuls for a booze.
The landlord doubtless was a gainer
'Who made of renter (r)entertainer.
4.-Into the thick of the fight
Rushed the redoubtable knight!
'Twould have terrified any beholder
To see how he l 'rew o'er his shoulder,
With both LLmds, sturdy and -strong,
His-weapon-some six feet long;
As the huge blade around him he swept
About.him a circle he kept,
-And o'er the ground bounded, and-hopped
The. heads and _the .limbs .that were, lopped.
His success was due mainly, I wis,
To the lact that his weapon was. this.
SOLUTION or ACRosTIC, No. 105.-- Winds, 'March: 'Worm, India,
Navigator, Didactic, Sirrah.
'CORRECT SoLUTIONs or. ACRosrIC No. 105. :1RPEcrIrD 17th March. Lucretia
MeT.; J.O.P.; Charlie Mabel ; H. G. ;D. D.; Old Maid ;_Ben ; omanelli;
E..G. S., Netting Hill; Tea at .Bryan's ;.R. ..0. M.; SillawBros.; Linda Princess;
Old Cider Eye; Pimlico Tom Cat; Katie; Long Lugged Louisa; Hippochondriacus;
Detfla and Ycul; Nemo.

WINGED .WORDS.
MonE rumours theatrical flying. about. MR. WooDrN's Polygraphic
Hall is to be converted into a theatre ; iand a similar fate is hanging
over the Oxfordi to which, when it is metamorphosed, MIss WI TON
will migrate from the Prince of Wales's, Miss OLIVER succeeding her
as manager of the pretty little house in'Tottenham-street. Mns. JonN
WOOD is to open the:St. James's Theatre, reviving the old comedies of
the SnUHRIDAN times with magnificent mounting. It is; possible -that
ME SSS. TooLn.and nBROUGH will be of the company. Mrss, HmENrrITA
HODSON is likely to-assume the.managerial reinsat the Queen's, where
every one will wish her the greatest success.

Not a Bad Shot.
THE DJKE OF SOMERSET said the other night in the House of Lords
that every British .missionary requires a gunboat. Of course the mis-
sionarywished himself a canon on beard it.

Quite Right too!
.The Court..Journal-says thatMt. TRENN ON has "again refused the
offer iof peeragege" -Well, considering-some, of the people who have
been made lords, he is wise in refusing a baron honour.














































OLYMPUS OUT OF WORK; OR, PRAY EMPLOY THE POOR PEERS.
The Mercurius of aUebvry :-" THOSE HAPPY MORTALS IN THE LOWER HOUSE HAVE PLENTY TO DO. I WISH we HAD SOME EMPLOYMENT!"









3LAnCH 27, 1869.]


FUlN.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 64.-THE HAUGHTY ACTOR.
k N actor-GIBas, of Drury
S\ 8 7 Lane-
I \Of very decent station,
Once happened in a part
> ^ to gain
Excessive approbation:
lIt sometimes turns a fel-
low's brain
And makes him singularly
S- ~ vain
When he believes that he
receives
Tremendous approbation
His great success half drove him mad,
But no one seemed to mind him;
Well, in another piece he had
Another part assigned him.
This part was smaller, -by a bit,
Than that in which he made a hit.
So, much _ill-used, he'straight refused
To play the part assigned him.


* *


* *


That iight that actor slept, and i'll attempt
To tell you of the vivid dream he.dreamnt :
THE DREAM.,
In fighting with a robber baid
(A thing he loved sincerely)
A sword struck GIBis upon the hand
And wounded it severely.
At first he didn't heed it much,
He thought it but a simple touch,
_IBut soon he found the weapon's bound
Had wounded him severely.
To SUnGEON CoRB he made a trip,
Who'd just effected featly,
An amputation at the hip
Particularly neatly.
A rising man was SURGEON COBn,
-But this extremely ticklish job
He had achieved (as he believed)
P. particularly neatly.
The actor rang the surgeon's bell,
"Observe my wounded finger,
Beegood enough to strap it well,
:;'And prythee do not linger.
That I, dear sir, may fill again
The Theatre Royal Drury Lane:
This very night I have to fight-
So prythee do not linger."
"I don't strap fingers up for doles,"
Replied the haughty surgeon,
To use your cant, I don't play roles
Utility that verge on
First- amputation'- nothing less:
That is my line of business
We 'surgeon-nobs despise all jobs,
Utility that verge on.
"When in your hip there lurks disease"
(So dreamt this lively dreamer)
"Or devastating caries
In hmnerus or femur,
If you can pay a handsome fee
Oh, then you may remember me-
With joy elate I'll amputate
Your humerus or femur."
The disconcerted actor ceased
The haughty leech to pester,
But when the wound in size increased,
And then began to fester,
He sought a learned Counsel's lair
And told that Counsel, then and there,
How COBB's neglect of is defect
Had made his finger fester.


"Oh, bring my action, if you please,
The case I pray you urge on,
And win me thumping damages
From Coin, that haughty surgeon.
He culpably neglected me
Although I proffered him his fee,
So pray come down in wig and gown
On COBB, that haughty surgeon "
That Counsel, learned'in thelaws,
With passion almost trembled.
He just had gained a mighty eause
Before'the Peers, assembled!
Said he, How dare you have the face
To come with Common Jury case
To one who wings rhetoric flings
Before -the Peers, assembled?"













Dispirited became our .riend-
Depressed his moral pecker-
But stay a thought! I'll gain my'end,
And save my poor exchequer.
I won't be placedupon the shelf,
I'll take it into Court myself,
And legal lore display before
The Court of. the Exchequer.
He found a Baron-one of those
Who with our laws supply us-
In wig and silken gown and hose,
As if at Nisi Prius.
But he'd just given, 6ff the reel,
A famous judgment on Appeal:
It scarce became his heightened fame
To sit at Nisi Prius.
Our friend began, with easy wit,
That half-concealed his terror:
"Pooh! said the.Judge, "I only sit
In Banco or in Error.
Can you suppose, my man, that I'd
O'er Nisi Prius Courts preside,
Or condescend my time to spend
On anything but Error ?"


:.4 ) --
"Too bad," said Ginns, "my case to hirk!
You must be bad innately,
'To save your skill for mighty work
Because it's valued greatly! "
But here he-woke, with sudden start.

He wrote to say he'd play the part.
I've but to tell he played it well-
The-author's words-his native wit,
Combined, achieved a perfect" hit "-
The papers praised him greatly.


31


31








FUN.


[MA cn 27, 1869.


LIFE IN LODGINGS.

No. XV.-LODGERS (continued).
HE class of Lodgers which now comes under consideration,
although very low down in the social scale, is a stop above
- i those poor creatures whose occupation of park-benches, dark
arches, and doorways we have already discussed.
The lodging-house of this class is provided by the Guardians of the
Poor by direction of that most beneficent and tender piece of legisla-
tion known as the Poor Law. No human work is perfect, and, there-
fore, it would be too much to expect that the Poor Law should be
faultless in itself. But when to the defects of construction we have to
add the failures of the machinery provided for carrying the statute
into effect, it is not a matter of surprise that the working of the Poor
Law is a thing to raise the blush- of conscious pride, or possibly of
indignant shame-to the cheek of MOTHER BRITANNLA.
The arrangements of the lodging-house we are discussing-best
known as the Casual Ward-are in good keeping with the rest of the
administration of the Poor Law. It is
managed with such care and judgment that
while it puts the deserving casual pauper
to inconvenience, shame, and discomfort, it
affords to the professional tramp, who always
knows the workhouse which offers the best
Cadgers' Hotel," every encouragement and
advantage.
The first lodger we encounter belongs to
the profession. He is quarrelsome, vicious,
and brutal; and accordingly he gets the
snuggest corner of the ward, and the least
of the work. He comes to these gratuitous
lodgings not because he is absolutely pen-
niless-for he has deposited his day's earn-
ings, if one may so style the proceeds of
sturdy and menacing beggary, with a friend
outside. His game is to hang about quiet
squares or suburban terraces and extort alms,
by importunity, or failing that, by threats,
from nervous and lonely women. He is a phi-
losopher in the matter of lodgings, and calcu-
-- l latesthat the extra comforts he would get at a
S"penny pe'" or cheap tramps' lodging-house
hardly compensate for the expenditure of coin
whichcanbemore profitablyinstein gin or bacca. Hemakes night
hideous in the ward, and disturbs and worries the genuine poor casuals,
who are weary and would gladly sleep, by his atrocious language and
his persistent attempts to quarrel with somebody.
This poor fellow is an agricultural la- "
bourer. He has been so crushed in the pro-
vinces that at last the poor worm turned 4 /
and made up his mind to come to London to
find a brother or a friend, who was cur-
rently reported to be doing well there. He
finds, London larger than he expected, and
he does not find those he came to seek. He
has been trying very hard to get a job all
day-holding a horse, anything !-but your
Londoner does not employ a bumpkin when
he can find a London man to do the work, .Y
so the poor fellow has not earned a penny. i
He has been hunted about by the police, and
bullied by the street Arabs till he is sick at
heart as well as weary of foot. He will
possibly develop
into a vendor of
ferns or of chick-
r weedandground-
sel, if he does not
starve before he discovers those means-not
so much of earning a living as of achieving
a slow starvation. There is yet another
chance for him! Unaccustomed to Lon-
don streets, he may get run over, when
he will be taken to the hospital, there
to be carefully tended and well fed for the
first time in his life. It is not quite clear
that it would not be better for him to die
there, and so take leave for ever of a world
that has only revealed its darkest side to
him.
Here you have a specimen of the
genuine London Arab-we will not call
him Bedawin, because he seldom wins a
bed. But he is very jolly on the whole,


and is endowed -with a cheerful spirit that is as good as a moral
waterproof against the storms of life. Boots or shoes he has never
known-but then he has never had a corn or a bunion in consequence
of that blissful ignorance. And so for every want of his, which
we should be tempted to consider a hardship, he has in his cheer-
ful philosophy a more than corresponding benefit. He never
works, and that is supreme happiness. To be sure at times he
plays at being a vendor of cigar-lights or evening papers, or pre-
tends to be a shoeblack. But he never makes a serious business
of such passing amusements. His delight is to go the gallery of a
theatre, and on this very evening he has spent all his money on that
intellectual amusement with the full knowledge that he would have to
take a bed in the Casual Ward, and sup offtoke and skilly to make up
for the dissipation. But he comes skipping to his couch with a snatch
of a popular ditty, and doesn't care a farthing for the menaces of the
quarrelsome tramp, who adorns a threat to punch his head with so
many tropes and figures, that there is almost enough of it to deserve
separate publication as a tract on bad
language.
T) N The casual ward is a dual estab-
lishment. There are many more in
the men's ward, whose virtues (or the
reverse) we might record; but we must
-'- take a hasty peep at the lady-lodgers.
f I Here is a professional again Don't
,9) fall into the error of pitying her as the

children are not hers. They are hired
S-perhaps stolen. A short time since
// \ -when her last penny was spent -
f i you might have seen this agreeable
family party outside a gin-palace quar-
reling among themselves and swearing
from the baby upwards, all more or
less the worse for gin. For the wretch
gives the children some of her beloved
poison partly to quiet them, partly to stunt
them. She makes her money by mumping
about the streets by day, and by singing songs,
to airs-not from heaven, but of her own com-
posing-at public-house doors.
This, on the contrary, is a deserving case.
This poor old'soul was once a small shopkeeper
in the Isle of Dogs. She is a widow now-
her daughters have gone away into service,
and she has lost trace of them. Her son
is away at sea. When the hard times came
in the East' End, and her poor customers
ran up scores they could not pay, and her a I
creditors were harder on her than she could
find it in her heart to be to her debtors, she
was turned into the streets. Then she tried
to do tailoring work, but her eyes grew too P
dim. Last of all, she has come to selling
playbills, but the younger and more active
Irish girls from the sweet purlieus of Drury-
lane have beaten her, and she is driven to the
Casual Ward. Whither after that ?
And this! Is it deserving or not ? It is
difficult to say. It passes for a servant out of
place; but what has a servant out of place
to do with that fuzzy, frowsy chignon ?
Poor creature, let it be what it will, at least
it is driven here by dire hardship. It is a
/ last clinging to hope and life. A few days
or weeks more and instead of the Casual
Ward the bed of the Thames may be its
sleeping place! Aye, even a servant out of
place, without a character, may come to
that; there are so few ready to give her a
chance.
So for these, and the like of these, night
after night the Casual Ward opens its doors;
and what a blessing it is that we have a
paternal and a discriminating Government-
l -i local as well as national-that all our Poor
Law officers are angels, and all our guardians
gemniuses!

The Weather and the Parks.
WE have sent a special commissioner to report. on this important
subject, and his account is a brief one. He says the Parks are pretty
well, thank you; but as to the Weather, it is "whether we shall have
frost or no."








MARCH 27, 1869.] F T UN. 33


KING JOBBERNOWL.
A CASE OF HEAD, OR TALE.
S 01! Kin JOBBEnaowL
SWas a wicked old soul:
.; A wicked old monarch
he!
SA For he thought, it not im-,
proper
To chop off withA chopper
The heads of' his no-
bilitee t
*~ Wheell. wheedle,
wheedle,
Would the nobilitee
For their .lives on
their bended: knee.
S W But the tyrant ne'er re-
laxed,
Saying, ,"Wait till you
are axedl!"
And then giggled at
his joke-"he! he!"
At KING JoB3ERNOWL
Offended on the whole
Were the chief aristocracse,
For to be decapitated
Wts a thing that captivated.
Not one of them all greatlee.
"Weed'll,.weed'll, Weed'll
Of its nobilitee
This fair land his vile tyrannee.
We shall lose-if no one stops
This cruel monarch's chops-,
Our stakes in the whole countree,"
So to. old.JOBBERNOWL
Came an imp black as coal-
And a hatchet and a block had'he !
And said he, "I'm Revolution,
And I'll put in execution,
And the deunce then to pay there'll be 1"
Wheedle, wheedle, wheedle- -
Went the king:timidlee,
rom his-fate- quite unableto,flee.
For of cutting off his nob
They were bent upon the job,
And so there was an endof -,!
MORAL.
Of old JOBBERNmOWL
The moral's rather droll-=
For of course there a moral must-be.
"Axe your friends, if you have sunk;
But don't press them overmuch-
It'smot E. T. I Q. E: T.""
We'd a 1--, wed:a 1-, we0&a I-
O0 of:trouble for to see
The moral of this historee.
If it doesn't snit your views
You're at liberty to choose.
What you likeforypu've paid yoaurmonee!

CHATS ON THE NAGS.
MARCH.
THE Atlantic Monthly has several good papers this month-" The
Small Arabs of New York," for example-but the most interesting
thing in.it is of course the article on the new President. The verse
seems hardly so good as usual.
Our Young Folks is very full of pictures this month, and contains
some capital papers. M1R. ALDRICH'S "Story of a Bad Boy" is
admirable, and the William Henry Letters" abound in quaint fun.
The little poem called "A Morning Sunbeam" will delight many a
mother's heart.

Axe me no Questions."
WHERE is a "chump chop "' mentioned in SHAESPEARE'?
"Off.with his head-so much for Buckingham !"
[Only it is not SHA-KEPEARE, though it bears a Cibberlarity to it.]
A HuM"-MmING BiD.-The Canard,


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
ONE Of the sneers n which the enemies of the Crystal Palace most
frequently indulge is, that it has quite abandoned its original high
purpose, and become a place of mere popular amusements. There is a
complete answer to this assertion in the fact that the. lectures and
readings which are given there attract liage'and intelligentaudiences.
If tie director& were wise-which some are not-they wauld give
every encouragement to this feature of the programme. By promot-
ing it even at some cost they would maintain the better repute of the
Palace and attract a better class of visitors, studiouiaend thoughtful
people. But judging from the reception of 1ik. F. B. Pmiairs's
Readings, we have no hesitation in saying that.it ifidellectual enter-
tainment of an equally high stamp. is enauim&-and the directors
could command the best that London produosw-litge numblewwould
be attracted to the Palace. A very. much better room must%,iweavr,
be provided if our suggestion is to be carried.- out; for the esent
room, to find no minor faults, is acol'stically deficient, wlfil the
trampling.in the gallery overhead is a serious drawback.
Ar. PHILLirs's reading was a real intellectual-tteatt Hanamaw clear
ringing voice of remarkable flexibility; and. by its powerr.,aline-
without any of the posturing or buffoonery to which too.many of our
readers resort-he moves his audience to tears or lhuglitervat his will.
And this constitutes true reading, as distinguished ftmrn the two
extremes of intoning and bad acting., With.excellent taste he selected
for the first part of his reading-as an experimment on theipossibility of
interesting an audience in unsensational readings-t4hree biographical
passages, two. of which were chosen from the ry!al:.'Palace Portrait
Gallery, written:by his late father, and the third ftom the vivid and
erudite pen of MB. GnovE, whose great literary dZility is too' often
forgotten in the fact that he is the Secretary of the Palace.
"The death of Joe," from Bleak House, and "Pray emploX Major
Namby," from Household Words, concludedtia too..brief reading.*-one
of the most enjoyable we remember tohameheard..
The Terpsichorean ballet of The Kite.ht vfdl s has been a very
popular item among the Palace amusements. It is well worth'seeing
if only.on .Ma E. VoKEs's account, whose most marvellously'active
dances are gone through with an ease and an absence of effort
thoroughly artistic, and most laughter-moving.

It's an Il Wind.
TnE wind, I see, stays E- due E-
And doesn't make a wee stir;
But, oh, dear me! why should it be
So 'Easterly at Easter-P

HnEAR! HEAR !
MONS. AGOUSTE, a clever juggler, not unknown in London, is, we
observe, starring it in the -provinces. Of course, he pays due attention
to.the AGOUST-io properties of;the buildings in which he performs,



[ We cannot return unaccepted S88. or Sketthes, wiless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope;. and we. do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
"AUT CJESAR AUT NULLUS."-Well, thelatter,.since you are so pressing.
ARIEL.-Not prosperous.
G. P., who says he is a baker, had better knead his bread in the ordinary
way-not by writing poetry for it.
SILE.-Why didn't you make that joke earlier-it comes late at the
end of (f)Lint, as our Irish friends would say. But well see.
MENs.-You are po gentle-Mons! The jokes you sent were old, only you
perhaps did not remember having heard them. Your memory is evidently
not strong, for in your last letter you forgot-yourself I
B. (Halifax).-Thanks.
C. H. H. (Glasgow).-Much obliged.
F. C. T. (Limehouse).-Don't mention it;-we had forgiven and for-
gotten.
R. W. (Gloucester-sqnare).-We are as sick-a s we are sure the rest of
the world is-of the mere mention.of."the Girl of the Period."
ScuD.-Thank yoe.
E. B. L. (Dublin).-One will do.
Declined with thanks:-W. N. T., Bayswater; B. R., Camberwell;
Impecuniosus; J. D. M., Newbury; A. B. C., North Shields; A. R,, Man-
chester; C. B., Cork; B., Newcastle; A Stone-mason; S. W. ; The Queer
One; I. 0. W.; L. T. J., Dalston; Blew Petre, Horsham; Verax; H. W. B.,
Muswell Hill; Noodle; H. L., Barcombe; M. C.,' Lincoln's-inn-fields;
M. C., Dunstable; Pobbs; H. St. Martin's-lane ; Tom' Blunt; W. S., Tun-
bridge-wells; Novus Homo; Q in the corner; S., Windsor; C. M., Liver-
pool; Dandy George.; M. S. ;.Live Rats; Knee-mo Mee; S., Manchester;
R., Liverpool; Ecstaticus; That Boy Again' An Old Reader; Pesky
Bob;,G., Birmingham; A Subscriber from the first; E. B. 8., Wallbrook
Nemo; C. P., Liverpool.








34 U [MA 27,1869.


NOT TO BE DONE.


.Dealer :-" Now, there's a little 'oss I can warrant. He's a clever, perfectly-trained, snaffle-bridle hunter, and fast; up to twice your
weight across any country. Sold for no fault; well bred and powerful; high courage, but good tempered, and temperate with hounds.
Quiet and free from vice; well known with Her Majesty's, Prince of Wales's, Mr. Garth's, Surrey, Berks, Cambridge, Essex, Kent,
Warwickshire, Mr. Leigh's, Mr. Scratton's, the Quorn, Pytchley, and several other packs of hounds. Winner of many races; out of
constant work; perfectly sound; grand action, and thoroughly broken. Goes well in single and double harness; has run wheeler and leader
in a team; 'will work in a cart, plbugh, or harrow. Never out of his place; a capital jumper; never made a mistake in his life over bank,
timber, water, stonewall, hill or vale country. Best lady's 'oss in England; been ridden charger; plenty of quality and manners; splendid
mouth; doesn't shy.; Aever stumbles; good walker and fast trotter; excellent park hack; never sick nor sorry since he was foaled; subject
to any Vet.'s examination; and to be sold for a song "
.. Customer :-" Ah I'm doubtful he's scarcely enough of a 'oss for me. If he could only trap rabbits, manage foreign and fancy poultry,
rear pheasants, do a little plain gardening, milk and look after a cow and pig, wait at table, teach in the Sunday-school, and play the organ
in the church as well, why-I wouldn't mind having him on trial for a time-eh !"


OPERA GREETINGS.
IN March, before ever the swallow
Flies back to us over the seas,
May the daughters and sons of Apollo
Return with a favouring breeze.
Let pitiless March give us powers
To bid the dear truants remain,
"- Hush, winds! and be merciful, showers !
:.... The song-birds are coming again.
Our musical Garden is longing
(No less than it lbhgedin' the past),
To see its loved visitors throngjiig
The nests thai they feather so fast.
With mistletoe-beres nd holly- :
Mad pantomime filtter might reign;
But now a long truce to its folly-
The song-birds are coming again.
Once more the enthralment of PATTI
Will seize on the heart of the town;
Once more will her sweet Batti, batti,
S Bring houses adoringly down.


And vainly will NiLSSoN the winning,
Endeavour to make us disdain
The fair Violetta for sinning- -
The song-birds are coming again.
And TIEJENS, with tragedy graces,
Shall wade as Lucrezia, through crime;
And LuccA, with fairest of faces,
Win lovers by scores at a time.
Just look at the future before us,
And see if you dare to complain.
Come critics, and join in the chorus;
"The song-birds are coming again !"

Aye, I!.:
WHY is the difference between food and illness a mere question of
pointlof view ?-Because it depends on the site of the "i" whether
it is aliment or ailment.


. THE REAL CONDEMNED SELL"-The firm of OVEaEND,
AND Co.


OVER COATS, 21s.


GURNEY,


TO 63s.


IN STOCK TOR IMMEDIATE USE OR MADE TO MEASURE.'

SAMUEL BROTHERS, so, vDCATJs -ThI .


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: March 27, 1869.










APRmIL 3, 1869.j F T

PERIPATETIC PAPERS.
An OLD SIGHT FROM A NEw SITE.
MR. EDITOR,-As a professor of that peripatetick philosophy about
which I once spoke to you as yielding me the greatest pleasure of
which a lover of nature and human nature is capable, I have lately
extended my walks beyond their usual limits, and was actually present
at South Kensington, recently, when your artist was engaged in
making his design of those "odd fish" which Ma. FRANK BUCKLAND
hath put into his museum there. To me, who am yet so antick in my
tastes as to see no reason for going farther afield than SHANKS his
mare will carry me, unless it be on some very serious business, when I
commit myself td the danger of a coach, that hath likely borne some
patient to be cured of small-pox, or to a cab, the driver of which reeks
little of the lives and limbs of pedestrians, or even to the lingering
extortions of the directors of steam carriages, at the ways of which the
public hath such reason to rail; there is a charm in the fancy that we
may yet have fish brought down to the very Strand, where the banks


JN.


35


tempt us to visit remote towns, or waste our substance in long journeys,
while there is so much close at hand to admire and to explore. It reminds
me, Sir, of what Ihave read of the disinterment of those antick cities buried
under the volcano, for now that the dust and cinders and rubbish that
were thrown into our town by the eruption of speculative building
that threatened to engulph us after the death of CHRISTOPHER WREN,
are being cleared away, lo! there appear fine churches, mansions, and
architectural beauties all finely preserved, but hitherto little known to
any but the careful observer who had the wit to penetrate to the
remoter recesses of the town, and thread its mazy labyrinths in the
spirit of ingenious discovery. What pleaseth me most, however, and
will doubtless please many whose purses are plethoric and need blood-
letting to make them again capable of receiving healthy replenishment:
is that the way hath been cleared to the doors of certain excellent
charities, the support of which shall be most profitable to us as a City,
and demands our care as a body politick. At one of these, as I was
gazing at it, where the great space of our new Law Courts did shew
me where it lay, I noted also your young gentleman all agape, as


of Thames are now to be covered with a fine stone wall wherefrom.
anglers like your Correspondent of a week ago may practise their
patient art. I am the more concerned in noting this since the Embank-
ment, as it hath been called, spoiled my own-pleasuire for many weeks
while it was a-building, and hath even now blotted out some of those
picturesque views of the river which were to me a source of so great
I delight that I have often in moonlight nights taken me to the foot
of one.of those steep lanes leading from the Strand to the brink of the
rushing stream, there to look out ipon the scene all flooded with a
silver-light glory that made the shot tower, and the aerial bridge of
Hungerford, and the great piles of wharf and warehouse even change
as by some art-magic into consonant shapes with vast mysterious
surroundings.
It has been matter of less deprivation to me, however, since in the
few months last past I have, by broad daylight as well as by the softer
illumination of the night, seen such real transformations in our very
streets as have roused my wonder and quickened my sense of venera-
tion as well as my philanthropy. In every direction, sir, where the
houses are being removed -whetherit be near the Mansion-house or on
the. other side of that venerable Bar, sacred alike to the history of
ivic authority, 'treason, and banking, such vistas of the Londinal
antiquity are bina opened to us that we may well wonder what can

VOL. It.


indeed one who calleth himself bythe noble'name of 'artist might well
be, since art is ever allied to that tenderness that maketh us pitiful
and to delight in helping each other. I therefore ventured on asking
him to make a picture of what we saw, and though it may not draw
others to that great building the Hospital of the King's College, as it
did draw us,-after that we had drawn it, -yet methinks the half
million of people who live around that great space, of whom one-half
do yearly go to have their diseases made into ease, and their ailments
turned to halements, while some are taken altogether to be cared for in
its great wards, and there fed and healed: -I say methinks these por
folk and many others going from a distance to seek such help, will be
none the worse for our walk that morning, and if some of my brethren
who also belong to the Peripateticks will leave their guinea behind
them, and so have the delight of helping on so good a work, all I can
say is there is room enough yet for miracles of healing and of mercy,
miracles that are given to us to do as proofs of our belonging to a
higher philosophy still than that of a mere- PBRIPATBTICK.

THE "SHIELD'S" TWO SIDES.
SHALL the New Courts of Justice be erected on the Embankment, or
the Carey-street site ?











FUN.


[APRIL 3, 1869.


TL FUN OFFICE, .Yarch 31st, 1869.
8A might have been expected, Ms. DisRAELI was beaten on the
Second reading of tie Irish Church Bill. To judge from his
'43 speech, he did not anticipate any other result, though he pos-
sibly did not expect to be defeated by so large a majority.
The fite speeches of the debate were made from the other side of the
House, and with the feeble sputter of MR. HADYT's summing-up, the
light of the Opposition went out. The picture has been already
drawn by the witty DEAN, when he described how, at the time
of the high tide at Sidmouth, "DAME PARTINGTON, who lived on
the beach, was seen at the door of her house with mop and pattens,
trundling her mop, squeezing out the sea-water, and vigorously
pushing away the Atlantic Ocean. The Atlantic was roused-Mas.
PARTINGTON's spirit was up, but I need not tell you that the contest
was unequal. The Atlantic beat MNs. P. She was excellent at a
slop or a puddle; but she should not have meddled with a tempest."
There you have the Leader of the Opposition-all that has to be added
is his First Lieutenant, Me. GAyTHONE HAARDY-with arched back
and bristling whiskers, uttering his protest.

IF, after all, the Irish Church Bill were, by some unforeseen chance,
to be lost, it would not have been brought forward in vain, if only
because it elicited a speech from MR. Lows, containing a sentence
which we should like to see written in letters of gold, and exhibited
in the most conspicuous spot in London:-
"I hope, sir, this may be the beginning of a time when we shall give up, not
only the idea of persecution, but the language of toleration-when we shall come
to admit that one man's faith is not a thing to be tolerated by another, but to be
respected."
This is a noble sentiment, which expresses the feelings of the best
minds of the age in the most forcible and the finest language. As
FUN is not the much-wished-for cedile of the metropolis, he cannot
order the marble slab and gold letters, so he enshrines the passage in
columns which have never been. tainted by a sneer at the religious
faith of any man,
THIS go-ahead age of ours seems to have gone ahead so fast that it
has. if we may use the Hibernicism. gone backwards. We learn that


the Parisian ladies have revived sedan-chairs, and we know that Thoughts and Notes.
velocipedes have become the rage in Paris. Now, both these machines ELIHU BURRITT is very likely a capital blacksmith, but he is a very
wore invented, and abandoned, long ago. The sedan-chair seems to inferior logician. We would rather see him forge horse-shoes than
have nothing to recommend its revival, but the improved form of chop logic, if he can find no better argument for total abstinence than
velocipede may be a wise resuscitation of an obsolete vehicle. In one he adduces in his last volume of essays. Speaking of the fatal
Americ it is already acclimatised; and is even beginning to gain effects of intemperance he says-
ground in England. a. MAYALL, the well-known photographer, The custom of moderate drinking was the gateway to the gulf. No drunkard of
has accomplished feats with it, which his familiarity with the chariot any clime, or country, or age, ever reached it by 'any other passage.
of the sun may partly explain; and a gentleman at Southampton,
bearig the name of JONEs, has not exactly defied the thunder, but This is an obvious truism. If a man never drank anything but
has challenged a toll-keeper, from his exalted throne on a two-wheeled cold water in his life it would be impossible for him to get intoxicated.
Parisian importation. Ad yet the offending tollman had only charged But the argument cuts another way. If moderation is to be condemned
him peambulator rat-not donkey rate-soo t mhat he merely hinted that the gateway to excess, where is this sort of condemnation to stop
him ambulatory rate--no donkey rate--so that helmerely ine t ha am
the amusement was childish. The gate is to be closed against MR. No man ever became a murderer, who did not begin life as a baby-but
JONES when next he and his perambulator come in sight, in which case, is that a reason for a second Massacre of the Innocents? IR. BuRRITT'S
of coutfe/,hc will put the animal at it and jump over dila TuswN. logic is evidently unable to take care of itself, and his arguments
w ____taaij____ r decidedly want seeing home.

Spirited Legislation. A Look-out for Lords.
THE Second Chamber of Holland has voted, by a very large Txse is too bad really. We cull it from the advertising columns of
majority, a bill for increasing the excise on spirituous liqueurs in order a contemporary:-
to make up for the loss occasioned to the revenue by the abolition of A VERY LUCRATIVE POSITIOI, with other advantages, is OFFERED to a
the duty oft newspapers. This is creditable to the public spirit of -"- Oeotlewan who is intimate)y associated with.mambers of the aristocracy.
Hollands, if not profitable to the private distillers. In future we shall res, in confidence, Ar care ofher acquaint s ar rqusd o apply.-
Somlw a Dutchman by his rcad newspaper nog his red nose.e
- mnow a Dutchman by his read newspaper not his red nose. At a time when the Peers are complaining of want of employment it is
too cruel to hold out this temptation. What a rush there-will be to
Catlets--with Sauce Piquants. Obtain it-and since only one can hold it, what deep disappointment
A RE xnKABLE item of news is forwarded from Paris, It appears will pervade the Peerage!
that M. Popsraa MBRIMEE has been in a state of catalepsy. for sixty-
two hours at Cannes, He is since reported to have written to Paris FROM THE, SURBIME TO, &c.
saying, "I am much better; I am up, andhave eaten twocutlets." We Ta most minent. geologist may- find that,, ompared with a work
cannot help fancying that either M. MERIMEE or some "liner" of the ing gunmakr, he knows nothing of centrall fre."
press has bcen M ai-MRx-king.

TAKE IT EAST. .R PROM OTR HALF-BAKED CORKESPONDRNT.
IT is no uncommon thing for people with plenty of (' go in them BAxEas must find it hard to please. Is their bread.."light "? tiy'."
to go-to the bad. are justly fined; is it "heavy" ? away flies their custom.


36


SI J'ETAIS R01,
Ir I were king for half .an hour,
What lots of things I'd do!
I'd tear from false men all -the power,
And give it to the true.
No starving voices then abould cry,
No poverty should lour
About the poor man's home, if I
Were king for half an hour.
And all should have enough of work,
And yet enough of play,
I'd teach the idlers not to shirk-
But in some pleasant way.
No child should look all wistfully
At toy, or sweet, or flower:
I'd treat the little ones, if I
Were king for half an hour.
I'd have no prisons in the land-
All people should be good;
With no temptations to withstand
They truly might and could.
We'd have no armies, by-the-bye,
Nor ships the seas to scour.
The world would be at'peace, if I
Were king for half an hour.
All should be happy free and gay,
By Act of Parliament;
And grief and sorrow done away
By general consent.
No eye should weep, no breast should sigh,
No stricken head should cower,
No heart should ache at all, if I
Were king for half an hour.
And in the end, the folk would tire
Of me and my reforms;
No more calm weather would admire-
Would almost sigh for storms.
And last a guillotine so high
Above the crowd would tower-
They'd cut my head off, sure, if I
Were king for half an hour !















___________________________________________________________________________ -7
__ -~ Id
_____________/ \.~ _______________
__ -/
- ,-~- -- -


- r~ ~


'** *


-T IIt


~9i2z


I-,----


THE MODERN MRS. PARTINGTON.


" SHE WAS EXCELLENT AT A SLOP OR A PUDDLE; BUT SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE MEDDLED WITH A TEMPEST."--Sydney Smith.


IFIJ IN -APRIL 3, l8,60.


/ N


/ K


Lwf


NE-- -


7


-.:--- --- 5










ArmP 3, 1869.]


FUN.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 65.-THE TWO -MAJDRS.
AN excellent soldier who's worthy the
/ name,
Loves officers dashing and strict:
When good, he's content with escaping
all blame,
When naughty he likes to be
licked.

He likes, for a fault, to be bullied and
stormed,
Or imprisoned for several days,
And hates, for a duty correctly per-
formed,
".o ^ To be slavered with sickening
( praise.
No officer sickened with praises his
So little as MAJoR LA GUERRE-
No officer swore at his warriors more
Than M or.o MAXREDI PEP.irn.
Their soldiers adored them, and every grade
Delighted to hear their abuse ;
Though-whenever these officers came on parade
They shivered and shook in their shoes.
For, oh, if LA GUERRE could all praises withhold,
Why so could MAKREDI PREPERE,
And, oh, if MAKREDI could bluster and scold,
Why so could the mighty LA GuEann.
No doubt we deserve it-no mercy we crave-
Go on-you're conferring a boon;
We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave,
Than praised by a wretched poltroon!"
MAKxEDI would say that in battle's fierce rage
True happiness only-was met:
Poor MXAon MAK-REDn, though fifty his age,
Had never known happiness yet!
LA GERaE would declare, with the blood of a fee*
No tipple is worthy to clink."
Poor fellow! he hadn't, though sixty or so,
Yet tasted his favourite drink!
They agreed at their mess-they agreed in the glass-
They agreed in the choice of their set,"
And they also agreed in adoring, alas!
The VIVANnmna, pretty FLLETTE.
Agreement, you see, may be carried too far,
And after agreeing all-round
For years-in this soldierly maid of the bar,"
A bone of contention they found!
It may seem improper to call such a pet-
By a metaphor, even- a bone;
But though they agreed in adoring her, yet
Each wanted to make her his :own.


"On the day that you marry her," muttered PRErERE
(With a pistol he quietly played),
I'11 scatter the brains in your noddle, I swear,
All over the stony parade!"
"I cannot do that to you," answered LA GrermT,
Whatever events may befall,
But this lean do-if you wed her, son ohr I
I'll eat you, moustachios and all!"
The rivals although they would never engage,
Yet quartelled whenever they met;
They met in a fury and left in a rage,
But neither took pretty FnLsTTE.
"I am not afaid," thought MAKREDI PREPERE,
For country I'm ready to fall ;
But nobody wants, for a mere Vivandidre,
To be eaten, moustachios and all 1
" Bsidealthough LA Gonna 'ha his faults, I'll allow,
He's one of the bravltt of men :
MygoodWes! If I diagree with him now,
mig t disagree wih him then! "
"Ino eowad am I' said L GUERRE, as you guess-
limeer at an enemy's blade;
But don't want Pfazman to get into a mess
For splading the stony parade "
One day on parade to PazPEr E and LA GUEnRE
Came Cda'ounAL JacoT DEBETTE,
And trembling all ever, he prayed of them there
To give him the petty FILLETTE.


"You see I am -willing to marry my bride
Until you've.arranged-this affair;
I will blow out my brains when your honours decide
Which marries the sweet Vivandilre!"
Well, take her," said both of them in a duct
(A favourite form of reply),
"But when I am ready to marry FnILETTE
Remember you've promised to die !"
He married her then, from the flowery plains
Of existence the roses they cull:
He lived and he died with his wife; and his brains
Are reposing in peace in his skull.

Extraordinary Triunphs of Mechi-nism..
Mle. MEOcH, having astonished all the farmers with his doings at
Tiptree Hall, has returned to his place of business in Regent-street,
and seems determined to astonish the rest of the world. Here are a
few of the ethnological wonders he hag on view :-
Large Green Moroaeo Lady's Drsning-case.
Large Red Russia Gentleman's ditto.
Small Pale Russia Gentleman's ditto,
Blue Morocco Gentleman's ditto.
Eighteen-ineh Brown Rustia (Senleman's Mechian Bag.
Fifteen-ineh Lady's 'ale Russia Patent Bag.
Ms. Macni evidently keeps inhabitants male and female, of Morocco
and Russia, of all sizes and of all colours. The Circassian lady pales
before the large green Moroceo lady, and Mtss SWAnw, the Canadian
giantess, looks small to :an eighteen-inch brown Russia gentleman- .
small as he is! We shall rush off at once to see this curious exhibition
before the public overcrowds it.

Goon, IP TrnE.-The very man for "podi-boilers"-CA ) hwO.


.1~ ~~~~~l ., aP-L6










F U N.


[Aprn, 3, 1869.


ON THE S. E. R.
Irascible Passenger :-" WHAT STATION IS THIS, PORTER ?"
Porter :-" WYE, SIR "
I.P. (with fury):-"WHY, sm P BECAUsE I WANT TO KNOW, SIR! WHAT
THE [Engine fortunately whistles, and the remainder of I. P.'s remark is lost.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 108.
0 PRINCE, in the desert you travel,
Far over the Orient sand,
Where we ponder but cannot unravel
Strange tales of that mystical land.
Do you think 'mid the fAte and the dancing
Of kings who have vanished away,
Where the Sphinx imperturbable glancing
Looks down on the men of to-day.
1.-A very funereal aspect it wears,
'Tis heard when the baby is happy up-stairs;
It makes a great noise in the air overhead,
Is hushed when the baby's asleep in her bed.
2.-The House of Commons is called this,
But combats held therein
Are never deadly now, I wis,
Whichever side may win.
3.-He was always so terribly spoony,
The lady the answer became;
If he could he'd have got her the moon-he,
I think, was completely to blame.
4.-A help when sinking in the swelling wave,
If haply one is near enough to save;
And yet sometimes a help also to death,
Making a man get very short of breath.
5.-We've heard of a certain Mycenian king,
Whose conduct I fancy was scarcely the thing ";
But he caught it no doubt, was pursued, but at last,
By Athenians was pardoned, his sorrows all past.
SoLUTION OF AcROSTIC No. 106.-Boat Race : Barber,
Orizaba, Arac, Trace.
ConaECT SOmTIONorF AcaooSTc No. 106, xRECIVED MARCH 24th.
-Chippiug Podgebary; Tea at Bryan's; Nous.
W. 8.-We cannot alter our rules; and we endeavour to avoid
such complications to the best of our ability.


Cent-imental.
MaR. CHARLES READE brought an action against the
Bound Table the other day, on the ground-thatihis novel
Griffith Gaunt, having been denounced intsacolumns as
immoral, would not be read. The jury give him a verdict
--six cents! Of course that settles the question of
naryry read !" as the Yankees say. *


IDEAL COPYRIGHT.
THe Atheneum, which, to its credit be it spoken, always opens its
columns to the grievances of authors, has just laid before us a very
pretty quarrel as it stands. A MxS. GODOLPHIN writes first to com-
plain that she offered a series of the "juvenile classics" in one
syllable to MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, and GALPIN, of which they
published some volumes :-that with reference to two others, after
leaving the MS. in their hands, she differed as to terms, and went
elsewhere ; that they thereupon published, under her title, their ("de-
fective") versions of the very two books she had named.
To this MESSRS. C., P., and G. "ingeniously make answer-1st.
That they projected the series -2nd. That they declined because of
Mrs. G.'s advance in terms-having the means of getting the works
done at less cost. But they do not rebut her charge of the defective-
ness of their work ; while they deny her any property, legal or moral,
in her idea. Further, while taunting her because they forestalled her
(she having to look about for other publishers and make fresh arrange-
ments) they admit they took immediatee steps to cut her out.
Thereupon, MRS. GODOLPHIN replies, categorically stating-1st.
That the series was of her invention, and admitted by the firm to be
"something quite new,"-2nd. That it was the firm's reduction of
terms (because they could "do the work at less cost" on the premises)
and not her advance which led to the rupture. And further she states
that as regards the reduction of popular tales to words of one syllable
she claims that her books were the first published.
And to this we regret to say MzssRs. CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPIN
have made no reply. We regret it because, as popular educators and
publishers of moral literature, their position ought to be above a
breath of suspicion.
But we only quote the quarrel as a text. It shows how easily pub-
lishers may pick the brains of authors-and how likely it is that un-
scrupulous ones should do so when eyen a firm of such repute-" as


chaste as ice, as pure as snow "-cannot escape accusation. We have
heard of a firm which, after declining a suggestion, acted upon it; but
in that case its author was a man of business, and by a threat of com-
mencing the issue of his copyright notion, brought the firm to reason,
and to terms. But it is not everyone who can act thus efficiently;
and it is well, lacking an appeal to law, that we should have the Court
of the .Athenceum in which to lodge our plaints. On behalf of litera-
ture, we tender our thanks to the Athenceum.


To the Point.
SIR CHARLES TREVELYTA suggests that we ought to bring over
CLEOPATRA'S needle and set it up in the centre of the Temple Gardens.
We think the notion a good one, and would add-as they say on ship-
board-" make it so !" SIR JAMEs ALEXANDER says it will only cost
1,500 -" that is if there is no job in the matter !" Heaven, forbid -
fancy having a job from a needle of that size !

A Swan or a Canard P
GREAT interest has been excited in scientific circles by a report that
the management of the Prince of Wales's Theatre possessed a remark-
able natural curiosity. It turned out on inquiry, however, that the
rumour arose from the fact that a well-known wag had stated that
Miss WILTON possessed a rara avis in TERRIss.

To the Chief Commissioner of Police.
ORANGE-PEEL thoughtlessly strewn on the pavement is no slight
source of danger to the pedestrian, but what must be done with the
spring gun-ions openly hawked through the streets on costermongers'
carts?


42









ArIIIs 3, 1869.]


FU-N.


APRIL FANCIES.
BY A FOOL.
PRIL! Of all


the


months the best,
Thou showery, flow-
ery, pleasant sea-
son,
v / In folly rich, but dis-
possessed
Of all the dull be-
quests of reason!
I hail thy coming
gladly, when
Wild mirth is mon-
arch madness
rules,
MAnd we pronounce the
sons of men-,
April ? Fools April

A fig for Wisdom's
solemn lore-
Itploughs the brow
1k W with crooked
Wrinkles.
A sNo furrow will the fore-
head score,
0' O'er-whi kthe cap of
Follytinikles.
A- cheery laugh to clear
mthe lung
Is better than the
dust of schools;
I hold all those who study young
April Fools-April Fools!
I've had my heart-aches in my timoe-
I've had attacks of melancholy;
But then I set my bells a-chime
And went and had a romp with Folly.
Aye, aching sides cure aching hearts;
So he who o'er his troubles pules
Must join with those who nurse their smarts-
April Fools- April Fools!
Let's laugh and labour as we may-
Make holiday-with pipe and tabor;
And ontthe usual working day
Sing cheerily about our labour.
Some make about their work a coil,
And find sad faults with all their tools:
They never strive to lighten toil-
April Fools-April Fools !
Some fret themselves to win them gold-
And burn with avaricious fever.
For all the wealth that o'er was told
I should feel scorn to turn a griever.
I smile to see the gamblers throng
And strive for wagers, stakes, and pools.
When won, pray can they keep them long ?
April Fools-April Fools!
And yet in no unkindly mood
With satire's sounding lash I strike them-
For still the moral will obtrude-
If they are fools-we fools are like them !
For well I know that Fate will scrawl
When wise-eye dims, and mad-brain cools,
One epitaph above.us all-
"April Fools-April Fools! "


De-side-edly !
TiuAN's latest, in the feminine journal, which admits his incoherent
ravings, runs as follows:-
Shut the door against England. Let us have war. If Grant'will shut Stanton
and Seward out of the Cabinet, and let my Fenians free Ireland, I ill stand by him.
The man that has me on his side-or the woman either-is safe; baut.woebe to
those whom I oppose!
Folly is in the majority in this world, no doubt; so that the side, for
which such a truly representative fool as TRAns declares, has a
good backing.


43


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
WTE gladly welcome the appearance of The life and Songs of Lady
Nairne, the.authoress of "The Land o' the Leal," Caller Herrin',"
and other well-known Scotch poems. The collection is edited by
DR. ROGEns, who has brought to the task not only culture and ex-
perience, but sympathy and enthusiasm. The book is nicely turned
out, but the very bilious tone of the paper is a little unpleasant
to the eye.
THE Fwrmers' Calendar, published by MEssRS. CARTER, although but
a small pamphlet, contains some very useful practical hints on
differences-of soil, and the crops best suited to them, with other
valuable information.
WE have received the new issue of .Debrett's Peerage, and also of
.Debrett's Baronetaqe and Knightage. It is almost superfluous to say a
word in their favour, but we cannot but express our surprise, knowing
something of the difficulties of printing, that these books should be
brought out, with the last information and the latest additions inserted
in their proper places. VISCOUNTESS BEACOUSFIELD'S title is but of
yesterday's creation, but her arms, and all the notice thereto be-
longing, look as if they had held their place in the stereotyped pages
for ages.

Epigram.
Ir appears that the bribers of Beverley
Don't manage their business cleverly,
As for money, they've been so pn.6&aeithit,
BARON MAi.TIN means playing the fleuce with it.
But he won't do-at odds you may took it-
What they say that: the Deuce dAes-o lerlook it.

Head or Tailt
THE Constitutionnel gravely reports that in thdrGildhillidftthe',ity
of London the other day, a prisoner sentenced to three -months' im-'
prisonment went Tommy Dodd" with the magistrate whether it
should be double .or-qnits, and .that. the magistrate consenting, the
appeal to chance was made, and the prisoner won, and was discharged.
To be sure English justice, especially as administered by our Mayors
and Aldermen, has a good deal of a toss-up involved in it; but
when the story is thus circumstantially given by a French paper, we
must really cry "Tale!"

A Parody.
Suggested by Recent Occurrences at Cambridge.
Ir I had a donkey wot wouldn't go,
Do you think I'd vollop him-oh, dear no !
But I'd give him some beans, and let him go
To Sidney Sussex College!




[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
CECIL.-Why this imbe-Cecil-ity? How can you expect lines to appear
in FUN in March, when they do nothing but halt ?
FInMAMENT sends us such a weak joke that we can only suppose it was
in-firm-he-meant.
R. F. (Beaumaris).-You should, have called your MS. not a "revel"-
'but a revelation" of rhymes." We never knew before that "bicycle"
could rhyme with skies a gull" or flies higgle," etc.
A. (Whitehall-yard).-Thank you for the suggestion, of which we avail
ourselves at the earliest opportunity.
BLow-UP.-You don't understand what you write about, and we cannot
afford space to argue with any one who is snob enough to write as you do,
anonymously. But we may just point out, as you talk of Raphael s style
(of wood-engraving ?) as following Durer's, that the latter was born May,
1471, died April, 1528; and that Raphael was born 1483 and died 1520!
After that, shut up !
R. E. C. (Newman-street).--Too late.
A. W. W. M.-Not in the Now Series. The Old is out of print.
JULIA T.-Much obliged.
NIL DESPERANDUM.-We have read your "important" letter;-if you
had read your FUN you would have been saved the trouble of sending a joke
made weeks ago, We feel sorry for you (and your composition) when you
take up FUN "thinking to find my ban mots, &c. published, except which (sic)
I find them declined."
Declined.with thanks :-G. H. M., Kensington; H. L., Dublin; A. C. B.,
Brighton; D. N. M., Peckham; E. M., Kingstown; W. W., Greenwich ;
A. G.; Constant Reader;.A. H. B., Leith; H. P.; S. W., Reading; Gargon
Noir; Lord Dundreary; Hector ;'T: B.,oeeds; Are pa Yo-Klino ;.G. .;
R. M., Bath; G. R., Cambridge; Boshco; E. F. G., North Shields;
Snooks.








IFUloN.


A Meditative Puff and a Meditated Blow.


44


A Child's Wisdom.
UNDERRthe above title a poem by Miss ALICE CARY is quoted by a
contemporary. The last verse runs-not to say gallops-thus : -
I can see a troop of children-
Merry-hearted boys and girls-
Eyes of light and eyes of darkness,
Feet of coral, legs of pearls,
Racing toward the morning school-house
Balf a head before their curls.
Very pretty! But, unless reason be overlooked in the interest of
rhyme, what is the meaning of "legs of pearls ?" Considering the
headlong pace at which the young people are described as going-at
such a pace that their heads outstrip their hair- is it not possible that,
in allusion to the probability of a spill, Miss CARY wrote "legs of
purls ?"

A Good Reason.
I CANNOT sing the old songs-
I cannot sing the new;
Although there are, I'm told, songs
Of both kinds not a few.
But then you see to be a
Great singer's something choice-
And I have no idea
Of time or tune- or voice.

Very Grammatical.
IT is a well-known fact that two negatives make one affirmative.
An American friend of ours who is editing a grammar, adds in a foot
note : That's so And two contradictions make one regular riled."

A PROMISIN PEASANT r on ART-EDUCATION.-The Terra Cotter.-- Is
he an Adsariptus Glebe ?]


Dust thou not Know P
A BUSHEL of March dust has been appraised as worth a king's
ransom. Such a valuation is not very flattering to royalty; for
DoCTOR LETHEBY and some other clever chemists have thrown dust in
our eyes-we mean, have brought dust before our notice, as a most
unwholesome compound. Animalculms abound in it, as do fungi, and
abound most at about five feet from the ground -on a level with most
people's mouths. What is to be done ? The hom copaths bid us
always talk Hin-dust-anee and to be as in-dust-rious as possible.
Betting-men and other thirsty souls lay their dust at bars and taps.
Quakers shake their fists at the clouds of atoms and say you do! "-
or rather "thou dust! We hive an excellent remedy: we might
make our fortunes if we advertised that we would send it to anyone
forwarding two stamps. But no! we will give it freely-the best
plan is to walk on stilts.

A Dark Saying.
BY OUR OWN ETHIOPIAN SERENADE.
I thay, GINGER "
Ifs, POMPEY."
Wal, GINGER, if you was wrecked on him desert island inhabited
by a lot of cannibals, an' they wos a-goiu' for to eat you, on'y some-
how a ship come dah and sabe you, why would you be like um sw ,et-
meao "
"Don't know, POMPEY."
"Cos you would be um preserved GINGExr."

Given with all Reserve.
WE hear that the Vocal Memnon, lately visited by the Pl'INCE or
WALES, will appear in London in the course of the season ; it is also
rumoured that at about the same date the Holborn Valley Viaduct will
be opened to the public.


OVER COATS, 21s. ro 63s.

IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.


SAMUEL BROTHERS, so, L-TTDc-ATEr lIL.

Pin'ed by JUDD & GLASS Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Deators' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-str-et, E.C.-London: Anprl 3 19s9.


[APrmL 3, 1869.


LIGHT AS AIR.
THE Baker leans upon the rail,
The cook between the bars is peeping,
The jealous housemaid leaves her pail,
And to the g :rr-t hies a-weeping.
There's dignity int Ptl.-n's look
A worshliipper of MIn. VAtNCE, lie
Bestows his heart on Mius. CooK,
SAnd gives her with a cottage-fancy!
We hear of trifles light as air,
But trifles light as these may vanish,
A footstep coming down the stair
Would love as well as lover baislh.
The moral tells not of the end
Or if they are, or are not, mated;
The cook must be the baker's friend
Before the broad is airey-ated.

THE DEFEAT OF DYSPEPSIA.
DYSPEPSIA Goddess of sweet unreason !
Kept casting her dangerous eyes on me,
Unhappily just at the opening season
Of GUNTER'S suppers which don't agree:
She was far too sweet, and I far too silly
To sever the knot which had bound us two;
And homewards wending through Piccadilly
I'd dreams of a black" and a midnight" blue.''
I vow'd I would free myself once and ever
From sad depression and constant pain,
"Dyspepsia darling 'tis hard to sever
Thy toils," I cried, and be free again !
My morning meal was a farce too hollow,
"-' And only pleasant my sea-green tea,
Till a maiden passed with a whisper, Follow! "
And CocoATINA she rescued me !










APRU 10, 1869.]


THE ROTTEN ROW OF THE COMING PERIOD. FEMALE NOVELISTS.
IT is not generally known that the introduction of velocipedes is a You like a clever novel, you are fond of works of fiction,
crafty device of the Hippophagists. When the new vehicle has corn- By the ancient novel writers and the men of modern days;
pletely driven horses from the Row and the road, when thousands of And you often name your preference-declare your predilection
grooms are thrown out of work, and hundreds of livery-stable keepers For a tale of love and passion with a good plot's winding ways.
are ruined, there will be nothing for it but to send the animals to the
meat market at Smithfield for what they will fetch per pound. You have read Clarissa closely, with a heroine the sweetest
It is confidently predicted in fashionable circles that Rotten Row That a man's pen e'er depicted, and you know her true and pure;
will be completely given up to velocipedes, and that horses will be no- Or our THACKERAY's great Esmond with his Boatrix completest
where. COLONEL HENDERSON, with sagacious promptitude, is having Of all perfect pictures painted by his artist hand so sure.
several constables of the A Division instructed in the art of veloci- Or you dote on mode writers, read all T's pleasant stories,
pedg, inordr to overtakeany v s glt yof furious Or you dote on modern writers, read all TROLLOPE'S pleasant stories,
reckless drg, ivin order to overtake any velocipedist guilty of furious or Or CHARLnES READE'S sensation chapters with their great and graph
The Board of Works, it is rumoured, has already issued instructions powers, -
for the casting of a gigantic bronze velocipede by Mzssits. SNOXELL You are fond of stalwart KrNosLvY, or of LEvEn who so glories,
AND SPENCER, to take the place of the horse in the equestrian statue In the heroes of the battle, and the Salon's magic hours.
of the DuxE OF WELLINGTON at Hyde-park Corner. But you need a word of caution if you read a woman's novel,
At present the prices of the new vehicle are rather high, and the As a rule the works by women raise a blush upon the cheek,
amusement, therefore, is likely for some time to be confined to the And our female fiction-writers strive, who lowliest can grovel
upper classes. But we may confidently look forward to a time when In the dirt of crimes revolting of which men would fear to speak.
a velocipede will be within the reach of the poorest. It is inexpensive
to keep, and might be very useful in conveying clothes to the wash, If you want a double meaning that would scarce bear open speaking
and taking out greengrocery. The bicycle is somewhat difficult to If you wish the sly suggestion of an easy way to sin,
manage at first, as it has a tendency to throw its rider, but practice Go see in women's novels the degraded things you're seeking,
speedily makes perfect; and some even go so far as to recommend a Though applause from vulgar readers they may chance in time
little preliminary practice on the treadmill as a first step. win.
An eminent mechanician is turning his attention to the combination 'Tis a sad thing and a strange thing that their work should not
of the velocipede and sewing-machine, which will enable those ladies i inrst
newho like to "take their work with them" to enjoy exercise without That their heroines and heroes should delight in deeds of shame;
neglecting their needlework.But the books that limn such doings with acquaintanceship the sure

Are the popular three volumes that will bear a woman's name.
A Strange Want.
THis is a strange want, clipt from a northern journal:
WANTED, a Paper Machine Man, used to elephants, must be a steady and good Blind, and Half Blind.
workman.-Address, stating wages, age, &c. A FRENCH journal, speaking of the number of letters the Ex-Quee
A man, who is a machine, and who is also to be paper, is a sufficient of Spain receives, remarks en passant, "Her Secretary is nearly blind,
wonder. But he is to be "used to elephants" too! Would an ac- In the country of the blind," says the Spanish proverb, "the oni
quaintance with rhinoceroses, or a familiarity with hippopotami do as eyed is king: so no doubt in this case Jack's as good as his mistre
well P Because if so, we know hundreds of people, who won't do. -and better too.


cie


to

be

st


n
3-


VOL. S. V.









46 [APRIL 10, 1869.


THE NEW CLUB.
"A FASHIONABLE JOURNAL announces that a Ladies' Club is on the eve of forma-
tion. The entrance fee is to be ten guineas, and the annual subscription five."
OH, listen, disconsolate lover,
Scared father, and terrified hub,
To the blow you will never recover-
'Tis the New Ladies' Club.
FUN OFFICE., We&esday, April 7th, 1869. Not the Newman-street Club, with odd features:
LTHOUGH we are threatened with the opposition of the This looks upon that as a scrub!
House of Peers, there can be no doubt about the ultimate suc- Tip-top swells are the members, sweet creatures,
cess of MR. GLADSTONE'S Irish Church Bill. He may, there- Of the New Ladies' Club.
fore, congratulate himself on having discovered the means of
reconciling Ireland-an object which seemed unattainable to other For the entrance fee's ten guas," 'tis settled,
statesmen, and for which patriotic Irishmen have long sought in vain. And five for the annual sub" :
MR. GLADSTONE is, in fact, the fortunate finder of the four-leaved They'll be damsels well-off and high-mettled
shamrock, which, so the legends of Erin, as recorded by SiMaLr LOVE, In the New Ladies' Club.
one of her poetical sons, assure us, confers on those who discover it the The male sex they mean to look down on-
power of shedding happiness and contentment around them. Ma. Their lords and their masters they'll snub.
GLADSTONE may hand over the charm to the blushing but happy Erin, The pretensions of man they will frown on
and disregard the croaking of the bird of ill omen, who keeps repeating At the New Ladies' Club.
the words "confiscation" and "sacrilege" because (as was the case About spirits d wines they'll be curious-
with the Raven of MR. EDGAR ALLAN PoE) it "is his only stock and Aboud nice andbout questions ofbe cgrub
oe" At bad cooking they're sure to be furious
TaH new Post-office regulations, for closing all post-office letter- At the New Ladies' Club.
boxes at night and on Sundays, in order to divert letters to the pillar- Of an evening they'll play at .cart--
post, seems to have been framed without due consideration. Unless Or join in a guinea-points rub;
book-parcels or MSS. open at both ends are allowed to be posted in Oh, they'll gamble with eagerness hearty
the pillars, the rule will be a serious hardship to a great many- At the New Ladies' Club.
especially to literary men and journalists. There appears to be no good They'll make little parties of pleasure-
ground for prohibiting such postage of book-parcels ; while the pur- Which excursions or ice-nics they'll dub-
posed delay with which any infringement of the rule is met amounts to They will always have plenty of leisure,
vexatious petty tyranny. It is to be wished that the Department were At the New Ladies' Club.
managed in a different spirit-were ordered with a view to the greatest
public convenience, instead of being as at present regarded as a bit of To Richmond a team of good spinners,
toy machinery, which the officials set going in various ways for their They'll drive-or they'll row in a tub,
own amusement. Or at Greenwich have snug whitebait dinners,
Will he New Ladies' Club.
ONE simple reform, which has been before suggested in these They will come home at night very jolly,
columns, would be an immense advantage. The issue of a "railway Pull up at each small roadside pub:
postage stamp "-a three halfpenny or even twopenny stamp-would Other clubs oft indulge in like folly
be a great boon. Such stamps could.be purchased at railway stations, With the New Ladies' Club.
where there should be a box, wherein letters with these stamps might
be posted, to be cleared out at every up-train, whose guard would have to And last, when some lamps they have broken,
post them in a pillar post on reaching town. The extra charge would Or a toll-keeper possibly drub;
fully compensate the railways, and people resident in districts where Will some householder's bail be bespoken
posts are few and far between would gladly pay the extra rate to For,the New Ladies' Club!
expedite their letters. No perish so base a suggestion,
OwING to the necessity for going to press early on account of the Who hints at such things is a cub;
Easter holidays, our remarks in the last number on "Ideal Copyright" They'll all be quite ladies past question
did not quite complete the case. MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTEE, AND On the New Ladies' Club.
GALPIN, we are glad to see from the Athenaum of the 27th March, They'll deal not in slang, nor fast-going,
have answered Mns. GODOLPHIN'S second letter-although their reply Nor in latch-keys from HOBBEs or from Curan ;
is no more than a general contradiction of Mas. GODOLPHar 'S state- But in tea, tatting, scandal, and sewing,
ments. The reply is dated the 18th of March, and should have At the New Ladies' Club.
appeared in the Atlienaum of the previous week, but seems to have
been crowded out. The dispute remains much where it began, each They'll cultivate fibbing and fashions,
party contradicting the other; and the additional'letter does not affect And the brewing of China's great shrub,
our argument, for which the correspondence merely served as a text; And harmless and feminine passions
but we feel it is fair to MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPnC to note At the New Ladies' Club.
that they did reply, and to explain the delay in the publication of
their letter.
Very Rich indeed !
Wages for Work done. THERE is no satisfying some people. We have just read the follow-
SOmE of our contemporaries seem very much surprised that the ing extraordinary case in a contemporary:-
Berwick guardians of the poor, being in want of a medical man and a There has been tried at Limerick an action for breach of promise, brought by
workhouse porter, offer to the former only 25 a year, out of which Miss Kate Studdert, daughter of a D.L., against Mr. Robert Hewson. They had
he will have to supply drugs, and to the latter as much as 20 with long been engaged, but defendant suddenly broke off the engagement, alleging ill
board and lodging. We can see no reason for wonder. They pay the health. A clergyman said that latterly the defendant seemed troubled at coming
board and lodging. We can see no reason for wonder. They pay the into so much wealth by the death of an uncle, and that it appeared to be a great
porter well because he has to perform one of the most important duties worry on his mind. The jury awarded the plaintiff 2,500 damages and 6d. costs.
in connection with the union-he has to keep the paupers out! Poor fellow, if his riches are such a burden to him, the result of this
trial must have suggested a remedy. He has only to go on making
Fourpence Halfpenny a Day. breaches of promises, and his breeches' pocket will not long suffer from
repletion. Or, "another way "-ride MeS. GLAssa-if he will hand
IT came out at an inquest held in Lambeth the other day that a poor over the wealth to us, we'll see that it isn't a worry on his mind any
woman employed in needlework was only paid three-farthings a shirt more. He needn't hesitate, thinking it may prove a worry to us-we
for making "gentlemen's coloured shirts," and that with the utmost sha'n't mind!
exertion she could not make more than six a day! Fourpence half-
penny a day, at high pressure, was all she was. earning from her em-
ployer, a tradesman at Kennington. Men who remember that in Pah!'
wearing such shirts they are wearing out "human creatures'lives" "THE child is father to the man." Yes, but why? Because of
will, we should think, be shy of purchasing in Kennington course as soon as he's born he becomes apparent.







F TJ 1sN.-APRIL 10, 1869.


L


1/'


N






K


THE FOUR-LEAVED
" I'll seek the four-leaved shamrock in all the fairy dells, i
And if I find the charmed leaves, oh, how I'll weave my spells. I


SHAMROCK.
Oh, I will play th'enchanter's part in casting bliss around,
And not a tear or aching heart shall in the Isle be found."-Samud Lover.


I)


I










AniUL 10, 1869.]


FUN.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 66.-THE THREE BOHEMIAN ONES.
(1 WORTHY man in every way
Was IM. JASPER PORKLEBAY :
He was a merchant of renown
(The firm was PORKLEBAY AND BRowN.)
Three sons he had-and only three-
But they were bad as bad could be;
They spurned their father's righteous ways.
And went to races, balls, and plays.
On Sunday they would laugh and joke,
I've heard them bet-I've known them smoke.
At Whist they'd sometimes take a hand,
These vices JASPER couldn't stand.
At length the eldest son, called DAI,
Became a stock tragedian,
And earned his bread by ranting through
SHAxSPERIAN parts, as others do.
The second (DONALD) would insist
On starting as a journalist,
And wrote amusing tales and scenes
In all the monthly magazines.
The youngest (SINGLETON his name)
A comic artist he became,
And made an income fairly good
By. drawing funny heads on wood.
And as they trod these fearful ways
(These three misguided PORKLEBAYs),
They drew not on their father's hoard-
For JASPER threw them overboard.


Yes, JAsPER-grieving at their fall-
Renounced them one-renounced them all;
And lived alone so good and wise
At Zion Villa, Clapham Rise.
By dint of work and skilful'plan
-Our JASPER grew a wealthy man ;
And people said, in slangy form
That JASPER P. would cut up warm."
He had no relative at all
To whom his property could fall,
Except, of course, his wicked sons,
Those three depraved Bohemian ones'.


So he determined he would fain
Bequeath his wealth (despite Mortmain),
Freeholds, debenture stock, and all
To some deserving hospital.
When Ihis intent was known abroad,
Excitement reigned in every ward,
And withnthe well-experienced throng
Of operators all went wrong.
St. George's, Charing Cross, and Guy's,
A- d little Westminster likewise,
And Lying-In ad Middlesex,
atambined old JASPER to perplex.
IBnse-surgeons, spite of patients' hints,
Bound head-aches up in fracture-splints;
-IA measles, strapped the spots that come,
With strips of plain diachylum.
Rare Leeches, skilled at fever beds,
For toothache shaved their patients' heads;
And always cut their fingers off
If they complained of hoopingcough.
Their zeal grew greater day by day,
And each did all that with him lay
To prove his own pet hospital
The most deserving of them all.
Though JASPER P. could not but feel
Delighted at this show of zeal,
When each in zeal excels the rest,
One can't determine which is best.
Interea, his reckless boys
Indulged in low Bohemian joys,
They sometimes smoked till all was blue,
And danced at evening parties too.
The hospitals, conflicting sore,
Perplexed poor JASPER more and more,
But, ah, ere JASPER could decide,
Poor charitable man, he died !











And DONALD, SINGLETON, .and DAN,
Now roll in wealth, despite his plan,
So DONALD, DAN, and SINGLETON,
By dint of accident have won.
Vice triumphs here, but if you.please,
'Tis by exceptions such as these
(From probability removed)
That every standing rule is proved.
By strange exceptions Virtue deigns
To prove how paramount she reigns;
A standing rule I do not knew
That's been more oft established so.

What a Falling-off was there !
HERE'S an announcement of something pleasant to look forward to,
for, of course, it will come from Paris to London!
A tight rope dancer, named Balleni, the Great Australian Blondin, will appear at
Paris, May 1st, in his grand sensational feat of falling head first from the rope, and
turning in mid air.
We trust that the LORD CHAMBERLAIN will extend to this man's feat
the attention he has recently paid to actresses' legs. If CALCRAFT'S
tight rope performance and drop have been abolished as a brutalising
and degrading exhibition, we cannot see how BALLENI'S tight rope
performance and fall can be permitted.

A. PICIURE-DEALER'S TRANSLATION.
Ars est celare artem--The art is to sell the artist.


51










FUN.


[APRIL 10, 1869.


Master Charlie (to Mr. Chips, who dates from a period anterior to the discovery
of raecination) :-" I SAY, MR. CHIPS, TOMMY SAYS ALL THOSE PITS IN YOUR
FACE ARE ONLY PIMPLES TURNED INSIDE OUT. ARE THEY "


AN EXPOSTULATION.
[PHILASTBR, passing
1N t- 7 along the streets, be-
holdeth a constable take
away a boy's hoop,
and thus addresseth
him :-
H, dainty constable,
why stoop
To take away an
urchin's hoop ?
Are there no fierce
garotters nigh
On whom to. keep a
watchful eye ?
Are there no burglars,
bound to crack
A crib, whom it
were well to
track P
Or is there left no petty thief
Who's game's a pocket-handkerchief,
On whom your skill you might employ
Better than on that frightened boy ?
T'he Constable in his turn accosteth PHILASTER_:-
You'd better stop your jaw, my swell,
Or else I'll run you in as well!
[PrILASTrEn expediteth his departure.

A VoIcE FROM THE RANK.-When does a cabby resemble a carpenter's instru-
mont ? When he's a screwed driver, of course.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
EASTER is almost as prolific of new pieces as Christ-
mas; and accordingly several novelties claim mention
just now.
MR. ROBERTSON supplies the Gaiety with a drama
entitled Dreams. MR. RonEBTsoN is not successful in
dramas, perhaps because he does not consider that a
drama requires the very brilliant writing which he
bestows on the dialogues of his comedies; and so fails to
exercise the power which almost alone makes his plays
succeed. It is not entirely because he has such an
admirable company to perform his pieces at the Prince
of Wales's that he reaps all his laurels there. It is due
partly to the fact that he has never produced anything
but comedy at the little theatre.
It would have been more generous of MR. ROBERTSON,
if, instead of trying to draw us off the real scent by
dragging a suggestion of the LAUREATE'S Lady Clara
Vere de Vere" across the trail (the piece having no
resemblance to that poem), he had acknowledged its real
source-a story written by Mn. T. AnCHER in "The
Bunch of Keys." Dramatists are not over-scrupulous
whence they borrow ideas ;" but a spirit of camaraderie
should have deterred one of the contributors to that
volume from taking a collaborateur's ideas without ac-
knowledgment- unless indeed ME. ROBERTSON felt that
in adapting the story to the stage he had so disfigured it
that the kindest thing he could do would be to conceal
the real parentage of the maimed narrative.
The plot is too slender to bear elaboration into five
acts;-mn three acts, with some improbabilities and
excrescences cut out, it would do well.
MR. WIGAN is but ill-suited, having no opportunity of
distinguishing himself save by some rapid changes (due
to his "doubling "), in which MR. WooDIN woufd
distance him with ease. The most prominent part in
the piece is given to MR. SOUTAR, who considerably over-
dresses it. MR. CLAYTON is capital, and Miss ROBERTSON
is graceful, ladylike, and, when necessary, powerful.
Perhaps the best bit of acting in the piece is to be found
in some business between MR. MACLEAN and MR. ELDRED,
which has nothing to do with the story, and like a good
many other bits only hinders the action. The drama is
capitally put on the stage ;-an interior at Castle Oak-
wood being especially good, so good that it made ex-
cusable a call for the painter, which, however, MR.
O'CoNNon was far too much of an artist to comply with.
AT the Globe, MR. BYRON follows up Cyril's Success
with the drama of Minnie; or, Leonard's love-which is
far better than might be surmised from such a title. The
dialogue is always pleasant, and-especially in the third
act-often brilliant; the story is simple and intelligible,
and the piece is well cast. MR. CLARKE is excellent as
Dr. Latimer, a crusty but candid surgeon, and MR. FISHER
acts Mr. Vaughn, a gentleman of broken fortunes, as a
gentleman. Miss BRENNAN is good as Dora, and Miss
FOOTE admirable as Minnie-though we could wish that
the appearance of delicate health, necessary for the
character, had seemed more entirely due to "make-
up." Mn. REECE'S extravaganza, Brown and the
Brahmins, which goes admirably now, follows the drama;
and we know of nothing else of the kind now running
that affords such a hearty and genuine laugh.
ON Monday, the 12th, Mn. PHILLIPS will read at the
Egyptian Hall from the works of THACKERAY and
DICKENS. Family Jars from the Virginians, and the
"Death of the Colonel" from the Newcomes," are sus-
ceptible of fine rendering, and should alone secure a very
large attendance.

"Music hath Charms."
PIANoFORTES are now-a-days plenty as pitchforks in
farmhouses hence FARMER SHORTHORN'S boa mot.
Finding one of his best cows choked one fine morning,
he exclaimed, Quite a Beet-hove(r)n night!

One for his Nob.
MURPHY RIOTS," accompanied, as usual, by broken
heads, are again reported from the north. Well, those
who will attend such meetings deserve to have to put
up with the sconce-quences.









ArnIL 10, 1869.]


FUN.


BROKEN TOYS.
WHENEVER in my tender years
I broke a toy of any sort,
I honoured with a flood of tears
The damaged article of sport.
Folks told me I was very weak,
And very like a naughty boy,
To make a streak on either cheek
For nothing but a broken toy.
How oft the fleet and cruel years-
In bringing pain and bringing care-
Have brought me fitter cause for tears
Than all my baby sorrows were.
How many hopes-how many dreams
'Twas theirs to give and then destroy;
How many a past ambition seems
No better than a broken toy.
The love that thrilled my latter teens.
Appeared no evanescent flame.
Soon over ? Not by any means;
At fifty wouldd be still the same.
Doth any glimmer yet survive
To lure, to dazzle, to decoy ?
No; Love appears at thirty-five
As useless as a broken toy.
I look on Money as a snare,
On Friendship as an empty name;
Of Health I utterly despair,
And soon shall cease to follow Fame.
Ambition once upon a time
Was all my passion, all my joy ;
And now- I scribble silly rhyme
And dawdle o'er a broken toy.

Fiat experimentum in corpore vili.
THE lancet bewails the want of subjects for the anatomical schools,
and among other reasons says the scarcity is due to
The establishmer t of suburban cemeteries, which tempts these same friends (of
the paupers) to claim and bury their dead relatives, since the ceremony is an ex-
cuse for an outing or a half-holiday in the country, with copious liquorings-to
drown sorrow-on the way.
If we were inclined to sneer, we should suggest that the medical
journal is decrying cemeteries in the interest of the doctors, whose
practice has no doubt diminished since the pest of intramural interment
was abolished. But we have no wish to sneer, and only desire'to point
out a remedy for this scarcity. If the poor, with their usual brutal
indifference for the interests of their betters, will insist on having a
perverse regard for their dead (and, perhaps, some of them do not
require the excuse of the death of a dear one for taking a little drink),
the only cure we can see is that the Lancet people, and those who agree
with them, should hand over their friends and relatives to the dissect-
ing room! If the poor and ignorant are expected to do this in the
interests of science, why should not the educated and enlightened do
it ? Surely the maxim which heads this paragraph, is not in force in
a Christian country in the nineteenth century ?

The Civil Service.
Now that the Ministry are taking such pains to economise in the Civil
Service, we feel sure we shall gain their thanks by drawing their
attention to a fact which Ms. BENTLEY advertises:-
ANTHONY TROLLOPE'S THREE CLERKS."
We trust Mn. CHILDERS, or some other enthusiastic economist, will
lose no time in re-engaging a gentleman who at a single salary would
do the work of three.

In Statue Quo.
Sm H. VERNEY is going to ask the Home Secretary to "place the
ancient monuments now existing in the country under the protection
of some authority which may prevent their destruction." If SIR
HAERY means the London statues, we sincerely hope that his question
has been mis-reported. What he ought to suggest is that some one
should be appointed to superintend their destruction-and the sooner
the better.

Down Again!
THE great "musical pitch" question is slowly, but surely, making
its way. We read in a .very peculiar metre-ological report, Drums
lowered on the South and East coasts."


CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
APRIL.
IN the CornhllO 30a. CHAILIES RHADE's story gathers interest as it
moves into the sphere-of Trades Union outrages. It is accompanied
by a most un-Cornhillilike illustration. Lettice Lisle keeps up its
interest. "Fifty Brides" is a worse than Tupperian version of the
story of the Dfanaides. It is a marvel how such feeble maundering
should have fietalt its way into such a magazine. The paper on
" Modern Venetian Glass gives an account of the works of SALViATr
to whose enterprising genius we owe the exquisite-and not yet in-
ordinately dear; but once very cheap-examples of Venetian manu-
facture, which for cdlour and grace eclipse-despite of all that is said
on the other side-the more finished works of Bohemial and Great
Britain. The MARTIAI? paper is enjoyable, though some of its transla-
tions in verSe are painfully loose and defective.
Golden Hours is too obviously an imitation 61' Good Words-and an
inferior one. The leading story, "Ravens and Lilies," is an absurd
combination of sensation and "goody-goody," with a heroine as
offensive as an incarnate tract Sea-beach; Gatherings," and
"Memorials of the Huguenot 06l'y4'in Spitalflidg;' are very read-
able, and do their bestito atone for th'-" Ravings an&dSillies." MATOR
GIERnNE's Recollections of India" is as -good ad'a photograph. The
illustrations are capable of improvement
Uidrf'ithe Crown goes on unflaggingly, and iseern to have settled
.dwn to ito work:-weli' It has wisetl, abandeRd.e&any attempt at
filttstratienu
1 St!- BS ul'4s, Mit. TAOLLOPE's novell appoeats' tbYdbe d awing to a
cli&e. Tle' number is full of sound articles, froWi'Vhqt itis invidious
It&v selet' any. for special mention. Howevelt, '~haIint A tion as a
National Characteristic ".is so very good as to'desett#6 tlBrd to itself.
The Overland Monthly is admirable, as usuall' Itisfit, from cotcr
to cover, of most readable and varied matter: It is strMgae' that litera-
ture should be: so well represented at San'Francisco, wh 5 most of us
look upon as still a sort of unredeemed desert'of diggifgt
Scientific Opinion is far more interesting reading for ariottasider than
its title would lead one to suspect. Let no young lady, however, turn
to the article entitled, "The. Heart's Interpreter" in .expectation of
something tender andiraemat'iS. It refers to a machine for registering
the beatofti6 'pulse.
The little Elizabethan is to hand, and is amusing and interesting as
ever.

A Virtual "Leaver."
MR. STEPHEN J. MEANY, a released Fenian convict has been showing
his gratitude for the leniency which set him at large, by making
seditious speeches at Ennis. He made one little' slip though! lHe
reminded his friends of his position, He was virtually a ticket-of-
leave man." He should have been more cautious in the choice of his
words, for his words remind us that about the time of the Great Ex-
hibition of '62 a STEPHEN J. MEANY was tried and sentenced for
stealing prayer-books and bibles. If he is not a "ticket-of-leave"
man now, he is an expired convict," and as his name is identical with
that of our patriotic orator, the latter would have done well to avoid a
remark calculated to lead to confusion.



[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
C. J. P. (Manchester).-We are happy to receive suggestions, but not
under the conditions you indicate.
NEVER SAY DIE.-Although you have 'made an effort,' taking Mrs.
Chick's advice," we trust you have not yet reckoned on your chick-ens,
EXPECTATION.-Shall we answer you, if our reply is "No ?"
PATCHOULI.-Should never have beek scent to us.
W. G. S. (Dublin).-We really cannot find room for such a lengthy pro-
duction. Why don't you publish it in parts-foreign parts, say?
A. S. B. (Glasgow).-1. No thanks; 2. Nicholas, Bab next but one. 3.
On the wood.
PIEncE.-Hardly, for you lack point.
MENs.-We are getting so tired of your quibbles that we shall say de-
mens directly.
Declined with thanks:-R., Erith; J. L.; G. W. M., Edinburgh;
G. D. I., Mayfair; E. G. W., Gloucester-place; C. W. W., Greenwich;
Zaocheus; H. E. X.; Q. M. E.; F. H. h., Glasgow; Snog; D. C. L.,
Dublin; H. H., Portarlington; Xoff; Juvenis ; Blazes C. J. K., Ridley-
road; M. M., Lambeth ;-Durham; S. J. J.; Blithers; iThomas's Tom Cat;
B., Liverpool; Imenschoff of Moscow; Paddy from Cork; A Volunteer;
S. T., Manchester; D. M., Leeds; Here you are; N. T. L. R., Dalston;
W. M.; Rose R.; Tootles; R. F. Lancaster; Noddles; Beecham,; T. ;
,Q in a corner; Anti-spooney; G. B., Hackney.; J. K.; A. J., Amsheer;
H. G. E.; Nil Desperandum; M., Hartlepool.









54 F N[AP 10, 1869.


F J' "" 'I DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 109.
LAST week they were at it hard and fast,
SiOn the open downs, in the cutting blast.
L EAI. FO, M ,R. 4I They must have a decided penchant for
FARES e The pomp and the circumstance of war;
i rlS o For my part, if I were a volunteer,.
I should like it much later on in the year.
1.-Unwilling NAPIER a peerage bore
Chiefly to honour a gallant corps.
2.-WILLIAM of Deloraine, when, with awe
The body of MICHAEL SCOTT he saw,
Declared that the wizard's form he found
With this material wrapped around-
A priestly vestment as some expound.
3.-On Russia's map if you're a peeper,
You'll find this city on the Dnieper.
-- 4.-Imperial CAsAR dead, and turned to clay;
-. This Joint Stock Company in Rome held sway.
But not for long because, you see,
/r \cThe number made no company.
5.-A man so various that he seemed to be
An extract, condensed on some newfangled plan,
Of all humanity. Now, pray, was he
The abridgment of all that is pleasant in man ?
6.-In the sky,
Seen on high,
ad r Portent of the weather;
Foul or fine ?
S -~R ain and shine
There combine together!
SOLUTION OF AchosTic No. 107.-East, Wind : Enow,
Ascii, Sorehon, Two-handed.
SOLUTIONS OF AcaOSTeI No. 107. RECEIVED MAnRn 1st: -None
correct.
Foiled.
WE learn that Sm JOHn LAWRENCE is tO be raised to
PLEASANT FOR MR. PROBOSCIS. the peerage; but will not, as was rumoured, take the
title of "Foyle." His virtues are jewels that require no
Street Arab :.-" HERE, GUV'NOR, LET'S CARRY ONE OF YR TRUNKS FOR y !" such setting.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. Diminutive.
IN the Handbook of the Year 1868 (WYMAN AND SoNs), we have a THE attention of the enthusiastic and quill-mending chief of the
fitting memorial of the industry, the energy, and the great talent of Stationery Office is hereby respectfully called to a paragraph in the
MR. TOWNSSEND, whose melancholy death has occurred so recently that Madras Athenaat$m, which says-
it must be in the recollection of all. In the compilation of works of An assistant in one of the public offices has very cleverly managed to compress
this class he had no rival, and leaves no successor; and we trust his within the small space of a circle formed by a two anna piece, the whole of the
merits in this respect will be duly recorded in future editions of Men of Lord's Prayer. To the naked eye it is scarcely discernible, but with a magnifying
the Ties, a work which he found deficient, incorrect, and useless, and g.ass one can easily see and read the prayer.
left complete, accurate, and valuable. The handbook under notice u Oh, 31n. GRm, only think what a saving in paper it would be to have
gives an exhaustive register of facts, dates, and events. The re- this genius over here And there is so much writing done in Govern-
ferences are so numerous that in seeking for a particular event for ment offices which nobody ever wants to read, or ever has to read, that
instance, by turning to any leading word in connection with it, you a very limited supply of magnifying, glasses would be required for the
will find indicated the heading under which it occurs. Very copious perusal of the official "minutes.' -N.B. Please accent the last
appendices include matters which do not strictly belong to 1868, but syllable.
are necessary to complete the work as a handbook. It is difficult-so
comprehensive is it-to understand how any one can fail to be Measure for Measure.
interested by so clear a record. To a large class, who have long THE noble aspiration of ROBIERT BURNs-
needed such a register, it will become indispensable, and will be yearly Oh! wad some power the giftie gie us
looked for with expectation. To see oursel's as others see us-
Who FRANK HIGGINSON, A.B., is we do not know, for we have never is now within the reach of all. Any advertising clothier will supply
heard of him before; andf to judge from his "satire," The Beleaguered "Rules for self-measure."
Irish Church, think it improbable that we shall ever hear of him again.
Vulgarity, bad taste, and ignorance combine with blunders of rhyme
and rhythm to make this one of the worst of those dull "satires "' No Rule without an EXception.
which are always elicited by a great political struggle. THE verdure of the country has an almost magical charm for the
pent-up Londoner, but, strange to say, we never yet met with a cabby
SUNDER THE CROWN."-A- Four-and-nine Tile. who had the slightest affection for "the green-yard."


OVER COATS, 2Is. TO 636.
IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE OR MADE TO MEASURE.


SAMUEL BROTHERS,


50, LTJDG-ATE KIT.II-.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phomenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: April 10, 1869.











APLra 17, 186).] F U N .




































A CHANGE OF NAME.
Robinsn :--" GOOD PIANO THIS OF roUns, RACKET. BROADWOOD P "
Racket :-" IT WAS-IT WAS ; BUT IT HAS BEEN SO OFTEN TAKEN FOR DEBT THAT I CALL IT COLLARD AND COLLARD NOW.7,


CHATS ON THE MAGS. "ONLY A WOMAN'S HAIR."
APrIL. A SONNET.
London society is weak in its illustrations this month. The picture An, ie! how sad the recollection seems I!
to "Ambigu" is unintelligibly bad, and the portrait of Princess A cloud on the horizon of the past,
Louise is treasonable, as it represents Her Royal Highness with a Which ever through this weary time must last,
terrible swelling of the lower jaw on the right side. The instalment And overshadow all my fairest dreams
of M or N" Is good (does MR. WHYTE-MELVILLE know, by the way, We two had wandered beside summer streams,
that it is "N or M" in the original P), and there are one or two Our love-or so we thought it!-true and fast.
amusing papers, and some pleasant verse by MR. SAwTEn. The paper Alas what fond illusive visions cast
on American University Customs" is well worth reading, the A glory over life's now ruin'd schemes!
American character comes out so strongly in the readiness of the
youngsters to snatch every opportunity for "orating." It is painfully O, dear lost love! O, joy for ever fled I
characteristic when it mentions that at the "town and gown' rows at 0, bright hope vanished into dark despair I
Yale revolvers were used and on one occasion with fatal effect. Another 0, wondrous tresses on that lovely head!
bad sign is the systematised and general attempt by theft or bribery 0, blessed curl that next my heart I wear I
to get hold of examination papers. At English universities, though of 0, would that I-unhappy man !-were dead,
course here and there a man will crib," any such wide organisation Rather than know that she had dyed-her hair !
would be impossible-as it should be at places whose boast it is to rear
gentlemen. The best thing in the Argosy is "Jerry's Gazette," in
which Johnny Ludlow is very hard upon a most infamous system. Hare-brained.
"An incident in the Life of Lord Byron" should not have been WE congratulate LORD ELCHO on his selection of the month of
reprinted, as it is not in any way vouched for, and, indeed, bears the March for the introduction of his "Bill about Scotch hares." He
stamp of fiction on its face, and should not, therefore, be produced as if should be created EARL orF MARCH (hares) in the Scotch peerage.
a valuable addition to the stock of Byronic history, to which the
COUNTESS GUICCIOLI'S recent contributions have drawn new attention.
The magazine would do better without such art as is to be seen in the Literary Memrn.
frontispiece. So much discussion has been excited by the suggested alteration of
THE St. James's is an average number this month, as far as literature the musical pitch, that a new organ-we mean a paper-will be esta-
is concerned. It is, as far as art is concerned, a curiosity, for it con- blished to afford field for the debate. It is to be called The Musical
tains, in the illustration to No Appeal," the worst picture that ever Pitch-in.
appeared in a shilling magazine-which is saying something. On the
whole, the St. James's would be better without its cuts :-they cannot Great Guns.
induce anybody to buy it, and they may frighten off some folks who WE see a good deal of discussion going on about the "Fraser guns."
might be inclined to do so. Well, guns may be good phrasers, but we should like to know how they
The London completes its first volume very creditably. will speak to an enemy, when required to do so.

TOL rX.











A6 NB [ApmL:17, -8M9.


F.UN OFFICE, Wednesday, .Apil.1 4th, 1869.
HE curtain will shortly Cieseend on -the -successful drama of
"Enfranchised Erin;~.or,TEhe Reconciliation." Despite.,all the
grumblings, and the threats of opposition in another house, in
the great theatre of the people, there can be no doubt,tbat the
hero of -the piece, MR. GLADSTONE (his. original character), aided by
his esquire, MR. BRIGHT (his first appearance in the; part, 'will lead
EnRm to the embraces ,of her elder sister. BITMANIA. But-we-must
not, as candid critics, withhold our praise from the;:artists .who'have
nothing to do at this crisis of the piece, save toistand as 'supers at
the wings, carrying a banner with an exploded inscription; while the
principal performers monopolise the. applause. MR. uDmusEl----%whose
services in organising and drilling (not to say edue6t. g) erowds of
country gentlemen, etc., is universally admittedi.tobeharivalled- has
a claim on our sympathies. He does-not. liketheapieeiand,:esihe has
no longer the ear of the management, he can onlystazidiy.andvwatch
the success of others, not apleasant-,tasnfEonaewho;basonce-"'done
the leading business."

IT is to be hoped that the 'Volunteers willtakeo.to'heart the candid
criticisms'which ithe bad&weathereof the Easter.Review day extorted
from.:the various :newspaper, correspondents. -Nathing but the ex-,
asperation produced by-such a day would have elinitedmnch unpleasant;
truthsfrom those amiable gentlemen.; to whosewioedumcde rosereports as
much as to anything, elseis .due thdilaxity whi&htlhas ibeenwso-armly:.
censured. But now.thatthe catiisout .of the.bag,.letrus.hope that the'
realhbrain and sinew ofthe Volunteermovementwilllbefdevoted to com-
pelling her to jump in the right direction infuture. It'is-hardto
condemn a multitude for the:laches of aniinority; :harder stillhtofind
fault with it, when it puts.mnp-with hardship sand foulweather-for no
particular personal ,advantage. The Voluiteer force has -the very
strongest vitality, or-it'-would'not haveisurviled-attacks-from without,
and,,worse still, bad influences fro6vithin. Thatrnoble spark of life
must not be permitted to be snuffed out by a damp journalist, or a
crusty ex-military, for faults which are due rather to. weak .officering
than to want of the requisite pluck, endurance, and discipline of the
main body.
THE pleasant coaching times are not to be altogether lost to us yet,
despite the opposition "of railways. They can annihilate Time-
almost; but they cannot destroy some of the jolly things of the past,
at least while the race of gentlemen, who can afford to indulge in the
honest passion for a spanking team of four-in-hand, is not extinct.
Those who prefer the cheerful road, and the spirited nags, to the
monotonous cuttings and embankments, and the snorting and sul-
phurous engine, can have a spin to Tonbridge this spring; for a four-
horse coach will start from the White Horse Cellar at ten o'clock
every day on and after the First of May, and take them through
pleasant Surrey and beautiful Kent to the place of "Pantiles."
For such a journey both a good driver and a good team are necessary;
and MR. HoAnt will supply both requisites, or we are much mistaken.

Cutting a Shine.
THE sudden collapse of the princely-establishment kept up by MR.
BENJAMIN HIGGS, of-Tide End House, Teddington, late Clerk of the
Great Central Gas Consumers' Company, with a salary of 400 per
annum, has naturally created a nine-days' wonder. Itis evident that
the worthy in question was unable to "sink the shop" (although he
appears to have done all that lay in his power to swamp the concern)
as, in his private life he was essentially-to use an expressive Ameri-
caniem-a "gassy "'man.
Warmth from the Stars."
AN interesting article on this subject lately appeared in the Daily'
News. An illustration in point occurs to.us. It is well known that'
the renowned T. P. BARNum is a "-warm" man, may not this be traced,
in a great measure, to a "bright, particular star "-JENNY LIND' ?

"TELL ME, MARY, HOW TO WOO THEE."
MAn : Show me that -you are worth a clear thousand a year, a
brougham, and box at the Opera and--I think you'll do!

NOT TO BE TOLERATED, ON TER. BRXAKPAST-TABLE OPFA THOROUGH
SPonRTSAN.-"Potted" Game.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 110.
'TwinL vanish, men.say, as the shell
From the sand in-theface of the storm;
If-wishful to,live,iftwere well
They organised needful reform.
1.-A pleasant-sight upon the country aide,
Men saw and honoured it both far'and wide.
Its name brought. thoughts of.fish-andflesh and-fowl,
The well-filled beakerand the: lowing bowl.
They also knew, but:perhaps I've saidenough,
In combination it showe; sterling t~iff.
2.-In various ways it is spelt,
I think none so good now as.this,
And I never heard thatit smelt
Any worse, -were its vowels amiss.
3,-I rose, I wentdown to the club,
I dipped into bitters anashery,
A most impecunioussub .
I tried, butinevain,-tdobeamerry.
IFor,ilo !'in the'distance I-saw
This'wretchtalking-wildly of sueing,
I can't face the arm of thalaw,
And so go on vainly renewing.
4.-The athlete loved it in his youthful prime,
And bounded o'er it in thessummer time;
Ah, me! that one day when hegoes to rest,
'Twill lie so long upon-his maIny breast.
A5,-ANmaEON complained, sweiAow,
In'blassic strains long yearzSgo,
That he could sing-of ihisAine,
-A godwho fillsapleasantAbmone.
SonrImoN or AceosTiwWo. 2108,&-.;airor F eals:irow,-A-ena, Idol,
Rope, Orestes.
Con ecrSommrions op AcnoswToU'No. 108,.BaBrvmAa *.7-_.PretjtyWaiting-
mnaid; Two Enterprising Earwigs; RubysOhaost; Slodgerm e WaTi.;.eJ. 0. P.;
'Prior; East Essex; Captain; Sleepy Peter; Con; Mur;4JLindaPr.inaes.; Pimlico
Tom Cat; Arundel Owls; Another Pompadour.

Vicarious Poisoning.
IN the early ages, when KING EDWARn was wounded with a poisoned
weapon, his faithful queen extracted the poison by sucking the wound,
and saved the monarch's life.
We manage these things better now. The advance in science enables
us to kill others by ourselves taking the poison which should destroy
them. At least, that is the only solution we can find for the following
statement in the columns of the IllustratedLondon News:-
"Lord Coventry lost three of his best hounds on Saturday, by eating part of a
,poisoned rabbit."
If LORD COVnxTRY, by eating part of a poisoned rabbit, can. cause the
death of his best hounds, but escape 'unharmed 'himself,' -such a -pro-
ceeding opens a new vista of possible 'crime in the form o6f-vicarious
poisoning. -We trust the new invention may be extended in a more
humane direction. What a blessing it would be to mankind if
Alderman Gobble, by partaking plentifully of the Mansion House
banquet could satisfy the hunger of: several poor families. Could'Te;
but'hear such welcome London News we don't carethow soon we,
see it "illustrated."

Astrological and Logical.
MR. GREGORBY the other evening, presented a petition to the House
of Commons from Benares, in India,,prayingfor a. repeal of illaws
that prevent the peaceable practice of astrology. Would it not be
well to pass an act repealing all such laws as far as Benares is con-
cerned, and providing a free passage to that happy spot for all who,
prattise the precious art in London, and rob and deceive servant girls
and other ignorant folk P

Oh, -Gore-acious !
A FmiA' toast has been discoveredrin-Eyrone, which'hs a:enrieus
mixture of fury and folly in it. It expresses a desire to see a building
.ten miles long erected of Protestant .bones, ".thatched with ministers'
skins, andwhitewashed with .their .blood! No one but an Irishman
could possiblyhave suggested -that the building, should.be whitewashed
red!
"Wholesale .Butcheiy.
WHEN would the times be out of'joint F-When all -.ho.hadar-teak
in the country-foundian, enamy seizing onthe chopa of the.Channel.





F U N C-APEIL17, 169


Iv1111/1, M 1


~7j


'FYI>


2


w-


A POOR PART IN THE PERFORMANCE.
D.scontented Super (Mr. 1*sr**l*) :-" THIS IS PRECIOUS UNSATISFACTORY WORK FOR A PARTY WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO THE LEADING BUSINESS. I HOPE THERE'LL BE A CHANGE IN THE BILL SOON !"


*^


i










F TN.


LIFE IN LODGINGS.

XVI.-'LODGEBRS (continued).
W- AE .are in exalted lodgings now, if you please.
s A small town under one roof .is the best
definition of such a palatial hotel as the
-Great Westnorthcrossgrolangcan. It has its
police-about as efficient-as the ordinary Scot-
land-yard emanation, who-if you are robbed-
S"have information," and'are" on the track." It
has its Local Government, which is horribly
supercilious, but, as a rule, instead of being a
board of old, women, is a matronly Lady Mana-
ger. It even has its railway; but the steam
I engine is perpendicular, and makes a lift in-
stead of a line.
Such an hotel often changes hands. The wild visionaries who start
it, drop it like a hot potato, occasionally, and others coming bywhen
the heat is out of it profit by it.
It comes under the title of Lodging House very strictly, because
certain classes use it regularly at certain periods and for a consider-!
able length of time. That most mysterious season of all seasons,
The Season," brings high tide to the hotel. Other seasons varytas
we have good reason to know, for Antumni takes: up so' much ofethe
space belonging to Winter sometimes, that Winter has to take alb tbe
bedclothes 'off Spring to get;his 'fair turn-in; .as, the:Spring of 1'860
can testify.
But if early roses are nipped in the Spring of '69, and crocuses doi't
show as they ought, while snowdrops are altogether at a discount, the
invariable Season of our hotel, governed by the Session of Parliament,
which is the sun that warms its system, comes round with the regu-
larity of the taxgatherer.
The gentleman who figures in the initial is sure to be at the hotel.
VOYCLIS VOAT, EsQ., M.P., must be at his post to bear his share of the
Atlantean load of Popular Government. Mas. V. V., and the young
V. V.'s, male and female, insist oh it; and he can afford it-but
prefers to stay at an hotel. A town residence would not suit him, and
would offer temptations to his wife and family, so he takes his pleasure
-and business-sadly at the Great Thingumbob (a term by which we
will,, if you please, designate the. sesquipedalian-subject of our notice).
VOAT is a' most harmless duffer in the House.
The whip of his party loves him; for he
knows he has no- opinions, and is always
ready to go into the Lobby to which he is '
halloed. He may be a prosperous manu-
facturer, or an old country gentleman-we
only know he is a staunch adherent, and
that he makes his family happy, spends
his money, and does his duty with the least
pleasure to himself and the greatest com-
fort to every one else.
This is MoNsIEUR CHosE. He is ddeorS,
and wears his little bit of ribbon constantly,
without being in the least conscious that
lots of English people fancy it is only the
lining showing. Why does he come to
England, and live at an expensive hotel?
Upon my word, I don't know; especially as
every Englishman vows that Paris is such a
delightful city! To judge from his tight-
fitting costume, an aspiration for freedom is f
not .the thing you would suspect him of.
No! He is'looking after an English mar-:
riage, I fancy. He wants to wed one
of our blonde "meeses "-not because he is
in need of money, but because he likes our
fresh, honest, 'English' heauty. He is
S a standing protest against the sweep-
Sing condemnation of English girls,
which an Englishwoman was spiteful
Enough .to write, and an Englishman
fwassilly enough to. admitinto. a high-
class paper,.underthe, coatchpenny title,
of "The Girl of the Period."
Here you..have the girl of a very
much .other period. This is the
DOWAGER LADY PDICHR. She nipsher-
S "self and her household during the rest
of the year in order'to cometo towi'in'
.C,, the season. The trial of the manufc-
turer of'Beauty-for-Ever was a cloud
Sto'LADY P. The incarceration of that
/ most necessary personage made there


ladyship undecided about her periodical visit to London, until she
reflected that "Dear LADY ROUGEBISMUTH must necessarily have
found a substitute; for the children (by complexion) of RACHEL could
not afford to waste time in weeping for their mother. So hero is
LADY P. again, delighting society, and worrying her lay's-maid into
an early grave. Bless her !
SNOBxnI, the great manufacturer! To balance him, we will have
MR. JERUSHAH P. WAUKSHARP, Of Smartyillo, Mass., U.S. It is a
.pretty confmast. SNOBKIN is slow and solid. WAUKSHAnP IU go-ahead
and gassy. Old SNOBaxn is one of a long line of SNoAXW, distin-
guished as manufacturers of
-anything you like, by wa
of particularising, from
to irnclads. He has moved ,
along like an elephant with
capital. The Trades Unions,
,and the difficulties thence
arising, haveuscarcely pene-
trated ,as yet to that inner (
A shrine inihis.takull, where, ',
V / if anatomy is to be believed,
his brain is 'situated. But
he is warm-very warm-
-y f and will leave so : much
warmth behind:im.nAhat-
not to name his eldetst on,
w1ho inherits, the business, as a noble's son'itakes .
athe title-his family generally, reared though
they havaebeen in a hothouse, will not suffer from"
a 'decline of temperature. On the other i hand,
JEausHAH P. WAUKSHARr started in.lifo,' with-
.out a cent. In England, when a man begins life
on three-halfpence and makes a success, he is so
proud ,of his comparative singularity that you
never hear the last of it. In America, the r-
thing is so common nobody.,boasts of it. ,Indeed,
some people say that to judgevfrom theomajority -
of society in New York, such a rise must be
almost the ,uile. So it is impossible to say
whether JEmUSHAH P. WAUKSHARP was a newspaperiboy or a shoe-
black. It is scarcely less difficult to say what he-is now. He may
be a genuine capitalist-he may be the embodiment of a company
of shrewd Yankees-or, he may be an impostor. At any rate, he
makes the money fly, and can talk a donkey's- nay, an elephant's
hind-leg off. At present he is ventilating a project for a Joint
Subernubile Railway between Chicago and London.
We can only select one more sample from this
great Hotel-hive. It is the HoN. AND REV. ALGER-
NoN REREDOS-a gentleman every inch of him, and
rector of a small, country parish, with a good in-
come. He is about seventh from a peerage, so he
is well connected; and as he keeps three curates, in
e order to conduct the service "properly," he may
well be allowed to run up to town in 'season to
see his relations. But he does not'idle even 'when
in town; for though he goes to LADY MOUNTBANO'S
receptions, he assists at a favourite church in town
on Sunday, and does a little district-visiting in the
morning. It might almost be supposed that he went
to her ladyship's balls as a penance, 'for he never
dances save once a-year-not because he disapproves
of it, but because he does not like it. .But once a
year he leads out his headnfarmer's 'wife in a
'quadrille at the Harvest Home, which 'he has con-
verted from a vulgar debauch into a.pleasant asao-
ciation of all classes; and which, by his 'presence
among the workers, he connects 'in their 'mmndwith
!a recognition of :the Great Source of -plenteous
harvest. Does anybody grudge this simple, earnest,
hardworking gentleman a little holiday among .his
1kith and kin? He never grudges anyone 'ele ia
'holiday-indeed, would give the wofkin-clamseos
.more recreation-days if ,he could. 'He is, -very
likely, '"over the heads" of his parishionars,:butlhe
has,' somehow, found his way to their'hearts; 'and
they-are guided more by thelatter'than:therf6=wrm .
Wh!etherhe everdreams in his remote village:of 'beconmingia:bshop,
thanks' to his- connections, 'I cannot say. If he doos, I have::no 'oubt
he chalks'eout for himself -an active career, no less than 'he county on
the season inown.
'But theporterof'the Gredt Thingumbob Hotel has ihad.hismus-
pieions' roused' by the' earnest way in-which'we hawve'eyed the-ldgers
of that vast caravanserai, so-we had:better retire.
A LrroTToA FAoT.-The EncroachmentoftheJ ea.


17-, 1869.]










62 F U N. [ArIL 17, 1869.

S-- AFTERNOON TEA.
R AFTERNOON TEA! Well, I'm bound to confess,
O After thinking it over I really can't see
Si Any fun in the fashion which makes us think less
-- "- Of our dear fellow creatures at afternoon tea.
SThough the hostess be pretty, and as to her wit
J Though none would acknowledge they didn't agree,
No charm in the world would persuade me to sit
For her sake to do penance at afternoon tea.
If a man has a room in which mortals can dine,
And another for revels of Terpsichore,
He has hardly a right to save victuals and wine
By the mockery hollow of afternoon tea.
When after a battle with beauties we toil
To get at the ices and find they are wee,
We turn to the sweeties and thoroughly spoil
Our dinner by flirting with afternoon tea.
A bass with a bellow which threatens the roof,
A terrible tenor with chest and with C
Should alone be sufficient to keep one aloof
From the musical honours of, afternoon tea!
From sofas and lounges, with petticoats full,
Fair Beauty would doubtless be glad to be free;
SLittle folks fond of flirting will not get the pull
S_ I Over rivals or mothers at afternoon tea.
r a The men stand in groups pretty close to the door,
e owA seat is quite out of the question you see,
ti-anlAnd on all the men's faces we recognize bore,"
--t'Tis a word not uncommon at afternoon tea.
_ciAfternoon tea! 'tis a folly and snare,
And if you are wise you will listen to me,
n dAnd in spite of such feminine tact pray beware
Of the empty delusion of afternoon tea!

Poissons d'Avril.
To land a pickled salmon one would naturally use a
"rod in pickle," but how, ye Piscators, may a smoke-
PANE AND GRIEF. jack be brought to bank P
Bough Humanitarian (w~o has run up against enraged glazier with disastrous
consequences :-- 1x'S A PRECIOUS UNGRATEFUL COVE TO ABUSE ME LIKE THAT PARDON TmHE BULL.-Prisoner's Base.-The released
FOR REMOVING A PANE FRIOM HIS BACK Fenians.

sHERd E, TaE, AIDn E. Ma. J. L. TooLE, with his detachment from the Queen's, is drawing
A E wE, uM A L mEs large houses at the National Standard Theatre, where Dearer th-an Lsje
AT Drury Lane we have Mn BAtWid BERNARD'S version of Lot is received with enthusiasm.
fie8rables in The Man of To Lives. The adaptation is tolerably suc-
cessful, the last scene, with the building of a barricade, being very Single aen, pay-hew Evermore be Happy !
effective. The weight of the performance falls on a. DILLON, who e
is scarcely equal to the occasion. The opening of the pantomime of M HENRY MAVHxw-author of "London Labour and the London
Two in Boats follows as a pleasant change after a gloomy story. To Poor "-has invented a new button, called "Mayhew's Patent Clamp
those who have not seen the exquisitely pretty scene of the "Flowery Button Fastener." Seeing that needles are perfectly needless for
Dell," we can only say, "Go and see it," for it is one of the most setting it on, we suggest that The Bashelor's Button would be a
charming things we remember to have seen. more flowery and equally appropriate name for the invention.
THE Christy Minstrels, who have been all the way to Balmoral to
see the Quxxw, present a most imposing appearance. Christy Min- Germane to the Question.
streldom has indeed flourished. In the old days half-a-dozen darkies YET another Polar Expedition is being fitted out in Germany. It
or a dozen at the most, sitting in a row, was considered the proper may be noticed as an auspicious fact, that it will have the benefit of
complement. But at the hall in Regent-street, over which waves the experienced services of Captain Kold.-way.
triumphantly the banner of St. George, may be seen no less than the experienced services of Captain old-way.
twenty coloured gentlemen in twenty chairs, and as if this were not Perish Sav(el)oy
sufficient, they are backed up by as many more to assist the vocalists eish av(el)oy!
with harp, violin, double bass and drum. The art of part-singing, AN eminent statesman was once nearly saying "Perish Savoy!":
and, indeed, it is an art, seems to have been carefully studied by The judging from recent disgusting revelations, the cry from the poor of
Royal Original-dreadfully obnoxious word, we are aware-Christy London should be-" Perish Polony-a!
Minstrels. The body of voice in the choruses is magnificent, and such
"pianos" and "fortes," such a power of "ensemble," and such tricks All my Eye.
of harmony, could only be given by a trained and skilled band of A HUNTING FRIEND does not appear to think that at Spring-tide
musicians, When Ma. BRENEmi sings "Blue-eyed Violets," with its Nature puts on her loveliest. He tells us that the hedge-rows are fast
hushed accompaniment of voices, the audience begins to look down its becoming "blind."
nose, but the moist drops disappear out of the corners of eyelids when
Ma. WALTER HOWARD sings the "Wild Beast Show," and imitates "PUT YOURSELF IN HIS PLACE."
the Fair showman with proper force and action; and the indefatigable WE would remind those whomay contemplate following this "tip,"
bones-Ma. HAaRY LEsLI-mystifies the audience with a wonderful of MR. RwADe'S that to personate a voter is a penal offence.
genealogical mystification. A jig by Ma. LINDSAY, a ballad by Ma.
BERNARD, the author of the troupe, a harp solo by MR. POLLOCK, and the A BAD INVESTMENT.
great burlesque of the Very Grand Dutch-8 which simply intoxicates A BA V MZ.
the shilling gallery, are the other noticeable features of a varied and WHAT sort of ham is most like an ill-fitting waistcoat P?-A West-
admirable entertainment. failure.









SArPmIL 17, 1869.]


FUlN.


A SLIGHT MISTAKE.
HE gallant of
Guzbury-
'phoole
Had only just
come from
school,
I 'froFor his pa was
dead;
S -w So he-in his
stead-
'Was Sim. Gu r-
Guzbury-
phoole.

although
very young,
To knightly pro-
prietyclung.
SoSo his armour
he donned-
-- Forth quickly
he wonned,
As has oft of knight errant been sung.
"The regions all round here," said he,
I from all sorts of monsters will free,
From giant and dragon-
And broomstick with hagt on-
And all the had things that there be!"
Forth went he-with warrior-like front,
Till hea heard a most terrible grunt!
When it struck on his ear,
He levelled his spear
And advanced to the battle's fierce brunt.
And his lance-never sullied before-
Was bathed in an animal's gore,
But 'twas only a pig
He happened to dig,
Though he thought-'twas a bore-'twas a boar!
And the village rose up like one man-
So SIr GUMPTIOUS like anything ran,
And got out of the way,
For they swore that if they
Could catch him, they'd close his life's span..
Said he, "From fierce monsters I tried
To deliver the whole countryside !
For a small slip like that,
If such games they are at,
I had better take care of my hide!"
So he kept to his knightly abode-
On no further adventures he rode,
But paid for the pig-
Took to smoke and to swig-
And" The country," said he, "may be blowed! "

Coming the Old Soldier.
THi forgery of assay marks has formed the subject of criminal
proceedings in Birmingham, or rather Brummagem. The charitable
public must be on their guard-people who can forge Assaye marks
will find little difficulty in turning out a crippled Waterloo veteran,
or a battered old salt purporting to have seen service at Trafalgar or
the Nile.
To Bed! To Bed!
Wims should the Egyptian tourist seek his couch ?--When he has
the catameacts of the Nile in his eye!

Further Patti-culars.
ADELINA PATTI is making such a stir in the Russian capital, that it
is not improbable that it will be re-christened St. Pattisburgh.

A THOV-uGHT ANENT AN EASTER TR .--Cure for a nipping wind.-A
nip.
Mcxm fby our Parisian Attachd).-WmnH makes the swell-the
want of him the woman.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
THE fortunate editor of the Gastronomical Art Journal acknowledges
the receipt of larded capons and cases of wine "sent for review." Weo
taste the pure wines of Greece at second-hand only through the pages
of Mn. DENMAAN'S Pure Wine and How to 1Ktow It, a very useful little
treatise on a subject of no slight importance to the invalid. If Comeo
be only as sound as the arguments-if Mount Hymet be only as clear
as the style-and if Kephesia be only as dry as the perusal (without a
running commentary of the vintage that is)-of this small work, the
wines of Greece deserve the recommendation they receive in its pages.
"Honour among publishers ought to be as sound a maxim as the
current one which has reference to the mutual good faith practised in
another line of business. Unfortunately, it does not always hold good,
as is evidenced by the publication of two editions of the Hans Breit-
maom ballads. In this instance, it is not difficult to decide which issue
is the genuine. MESSRS.- TRUBME. undoubtedly were first in the
ticklish experiment of trying the English taste with the peculiarly
Germano-American dish prepared by Mn. LELAND. It was their
personal acquaintance with that gentleman (mentioned in a protest put
forth by MESSRS. TRUBNER) which was probably one of the chief in-
ducements to the experiment. They claim that by the courtesy of the
trade their edition should not have been interfered with. Such a rule
deserves to be respected by English publishers, (whatever Americans
do), especially when, as in this case, the profit is shared by the author;
and we trust that Mn. HorTEN, who published so many good works is
not anxious. to make a reputation by infringing this tacit understand-
ing. He-has shown an unworthy haste to avail himself of the expiry
of the copyrights pf English authors by publishing a cheap edition of
the first series of HooD's Whims aud Oddities, although the authorised
edition is still part of the only property their author had to leave to
his representatives. He did not forget to complain when others pub-
lished ARTEMUS IWAim's works, and should therefore practise the rule
he propounds. The new Breitmatnm Ballads are to the full as funny as
the first series. Hans Breitmann, as a Politician (which, by the way, is
two-thirds copyright indisputable of M-ssas. TitvNERn) is very funny
indeed; but there are some funny philosophical bits in the Christmas
series. The dialect is particularly easy to master; but, nevertheless,
we doubt whether the ballads will be enjoyed by "the general," much
as the-select few may appreciate them.




[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
JoHN HARRIS (Haverfordwest).-We must decline to enter into the
question of what you call previouss wrongs with you.
CROGUET.-We could not lay our hands on the book. It is published by
Cox, of 346, Strand.
HENRY the VIII.-An evident Hal-lucination.
NIL DESPERANDUM.-WO should not print the "joke which concludes
the following letter, did we not believe that the amusement afforded by the
latter would compensate for the dulness of the former. We have only to
add that the epistle is genuine (as are all communications noticed in our
answers), although it is almost too funny to be fact-not factitious.
"Southampton-street, London, April 1, 1869.
SIR,-Never have I through the whole period of my professional experience
seen such ungentlemanly conduct on the part of one whose duty it ought to be to
show urbanity tothose whom he comes in business contact, as I did on taking up
your paper this morning.
With regard to the insinuation which you throw on my composition, I beg to
say that it is infinitely better than yours i.e., your reply to my letter.
"But I have a firm conviction if you knew to whom you wrote you would never
speak thus. For three long years I have been trying to get into a place In Litera-
ture but without success, but when I think that all great men began like this I am
inspired with an enthusiasm which effectually surmounts all offending elements-
know you that Tennyson the poet Laureate took 10 years of hard intellectual labour
before his intrinsic talents were recognized.
If you think that by returning such answers to my Contribution, you will deter
me from writing to you in future, I beg to inform you that you are mistaken, for
if I had to write to you hourly during the wholt period of my future existence, I
would willingly do so (the though that I am being wronged makes me a Poet).
".Why you should maintain such a cynical disposition puzzles me for in evening
parties as a clever young fellow I am allowed by all to be pre-eminent, the only
reason I can assign for it is jealousy. If you are a Cynic, then I am a stoic.
"I should be going against my conscience, if I were to allow your conduct to go
unheeded, but nith all the provocation I have received am still willing to forgive.
"Let the past be buried in Oblivisn and a fresh era commence.
"In reading this letter, I trust you will look at the intention, which pervades it,
and not the mere words inwhich It is expressed,
"I do sincerely hope that next week will find the following inserted, and if not at
least politely discharged and not blighted. NIL DESPERANDUs.
A solitary mnooner at the Polytechnic, whilst listening to a lecture on Astronomy
was so transported that he paid no attention to mundane things, an expert thief
who was present took the oppornity of picking the gentleman's pocket, and pro-
nounced the proceeds to he starring.
Declined withthanks :-Dava; B. E. B. S ; S.LN E .E.,Bas-
bury-terrace; J. ., Liverpool; Dick J., Belfast; L., Portland-place;
J. W., Geswell-road; H. G. F., Dublin; J. B., Hull; M. D. Lond.; Tea-zer.








__ FUN.


[APRIx 17, 1869.


\ .i l


A DAY IN DIRTYSHIRE.
Very nice country-especially when you have to stick at a muddy corner while the huntsman is drawing cover, close alongside of CAPTAm
CooLMAN's old mare, who no sooner sets her foot in a puddle than she begins patwing like mad.


TRUE POLITENESS.
LAY siege to the heart of the maiden you love,
And, after the manner of noodles,
Pen poems, and style her your darling and dove ;
Pay court to her brothers and poodles.
Give presents, and when you are scorned and refused,
In a way that you cannot think flatters,
Say sweetly, as if to such things you,were used,
You don't think it anyway matters.
A pic-nic get up for a party of swells,
And after you've floated the bubble,
Get cut by the fellows, and snubbed by the belles-
And thanks, if you can, for your trouble ;
Reduce your finances to much below par;
And then, as if nothing alloyed it,
Stand up unabashed, like the hero you are,
And swear that you've really enjoyed it.
Go bond for the chumn of your bosom and youth,
Accept all his bills and professions-
Believe in his friendship, his honour and truth,
And lend him one half your possessions ;
And when (as a matter-of-course, 'twill befall),
You're diddled and done beyond measure,
Assert to have shown him a service at all
Has brought you the greatest of pleasure.


Give glorious dinners, send out and invite
Your friends, and do" all that you're able
To make your cuisine give those present delight,
And when, as you sit at the table,
You're badgered and sneered at by each who sees fit,
Why, vow, as your heart-felt confession,
That, truly, their exquisite manners and wit
Enchant you beyond all expression.
Put faith and your money in railway or mine,
Believe with respect to directors,
That honour and M.P. must always combine;
In the conscience believe of projectors;
And then, in the hour when you find that you are
A beggar, with pleasant persistence,
Protest that it is, you are certain, by far
The happiest of all your existence!

A Utilitarian Age.
IN former days much was thought of "The Automaton Chess
Player;" nowadays, people set far more value on a "Mechanical
Chimney Sweep."
A Musical Grievance.
EvEN a pianoforte with the most perfect repetition touch has its
drawback-the performer is, of necessity, subjected to an encore.


BOYS' SUITS, 16s. To 45s.
IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.


SAMUEL. BROTHERS, 5so, .-cUDC-AT T131 .
Printed by JUDD & GLASS Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dvctors' Commons, and Published. (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: April 10 1869.








APrIL 24, 1869.]


FUN .


THE GREAT SMOKING-CARRIAGE QUESTION.
Little Snob :-" BLOW THESE HERE RAILWAYS AS HAS SMOKIN' COMPARTMENTS. IN THEM AS HASN'T, A MAN CAN ENJOY HIS 'BACCA
.ANTD EMALE SOCIETY SIMULTAIN'OUS. Now, IP I MEANS TO FULLER UP MY CONQUEST, I MUST SACKERFISE MY SMOKE "


VELOCIPEDEI
THE human race now-a-days only gives heed
To one great desire and longing for speed-
Velocipede, velocipede!
Honesty dies in the rush after greed;
Trade has become but a fraudulent weed,
Velocipede, velocipede!
Girls of the period, having no need,
Paint as the hags do, just running to seed-
Velocipede, velocipede!
Parliamentary candidates, hot to succeed,
TUse wholesale corruption from Thames unto Tweed,
Velocipede, velocipede
So fast is the age that the parsons, indeed,
Exaggerate, each one his several creed,
Velocipede, velocipede!
Of success at aquatics, men seeking the meed,
Or of honours at college, to health give no heed-
Velocipede, velocipede!
The finest horse going is turned to a weed
Because much too early they urge him to speed,
Velocipede, velocipede!
Spoiling true sport and destroying the breed,.
To see such sad mischief done makes one's heart bleed-
Velocipede, velocipede!
And yet there is hope that, with lightning-like speed,
Reform in each quarter at length will succeed-
Velocipede, velocipede! -
And that all who are honest in word and in deed,
Of their talents and labours will gather the meed-
Velocipede, velocipede!
IN what county are the greatest number of people born F-In Beds.


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
APRIL.
Tinslep's nroves on well under its new editor. The paper on
" Music Halls is worth twenty times the price of the number: it is
excellent.
The monthly part of the Young Ladies' Journal-the first we have
received-surprises us. It is very well illustrated, and the literature
is wholesome and sound, while its especially feminine element of
needlework, fashions, et hoo genus omne, are-we have it on feminine
authority-beyond praise. We can therefore safely commend it to
those who to say nothing of the cheapness of the publication-do not
care to have their womankind supplied with periodicals that advocate
tight-lacing, or beautiful-for-ever-ism.
Belgravia is amusing. We welcome with pleasure a series of papers
by MR. N. A. WOODS, of the Times.
The Overland Monthly is still as surprisingly good as ever. An
Unincorporated Society is absurdly funny, in spite of its reminding
one of DE QunrCY.
Good Words is pleasant in its verse, and plentiful in its illustrations.
The leading stories are fully up to the mark this month.
The Sunday Magazine is more than ordinarily good. The City
Man," who is rapidly becoming a "feature" of the 8. M., is par-
ticularly strong. The pictures are as admirable and numerous as
ever, that to a Sunday in Shoreditch" being especially characteristic
and powerful.
The Atlantic Monthly is noticeable for two very good stories-" A
Strange Arrival" and "A Ride with a Mad Horse." Its more serious
papers are clever and interesting.
In Our Young Folks-excluding of course Mn. ALDMCH'S admirable
" Bad Boy "-the best thing is "Tom Twist," with capital illus-
trations. The number, as a whole, is very good.
We have also to acknowledge the receipt of the Ladies' Treasury,
Scientific Opinion, Science Gossip, The Naturalist's Note Book, Le Follet,
The Gardener's Magazine, and an excellent Good Words for the Young.


VOL. IX.


65








FUN.


[APRIL. 24, 1869.


66


66


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. III.
AAMWEEK ago, how we did shiver
Before the wind that KINGSLEY hymns !
Now in full sunlight's golden river
The happy world enchanted swims!
We missed our Winter- Spring we miss;
And headlong plunge at once in this.
S'fPUN OFFICE, Wednesday, April 21st, 1869. 1.-His art the music-critics may call vicious;
IIE ,irst iddleiftfifmn ciers, our present Premier, has a promising But then, by Jove, his waltzes are delicious.
pupil in Mabter~Iewe. As that young gentleman goes through
his part, asaltdd *iby Master BImt r, with the two partners, 2r--In Bahia
Miss CHILDn US of the Admiralty, and Miss OCAeWELL of the You will seen
Wa' Office, whose low estimates of. themselves are -so modest anad River called the San Franoilco.
becoming, it is scarcely to be wondered at if he receives warm prices When close by it
for the way in whidh he has mastered the figures. -You espy it- -
Well may Master WADn HRUrr, who' is standing out this time Orf Geographiam" say" disebl"
course, being at the side with Miss DisAEnI,idobk enviously.'on.the. 3.-It seemsva contradiction-bit
performance of his- rival. H&eis aIittle too pondetoad'for such gaefdo YontyVes to see. this must be-ihut.
work; and his partner's frHe lieasrather in thedoi ble shuffle. like the sond;
4.-1 caiAft-sayil like the souid;
1.&tt _.t-so people say-
Ma. GRAvEs's scheme of cheap postage for papers has-much to. Itt ehe soldier's bosmba aid,
commeld it. But it must not '-for one _i tant be '.iiistaken for -a Andmnerves him for the'fay.
"popular" measure. It will confer no boto on the Wr6king-classes,' A asic battle's awful riskittoe weeten,
who seldeal or never receive a paper -y.i pn t, as cou*pared with the It:eafesi battualled,'s though fts akwaysbeaten.
middle an d upper classes. -And -there is. this, torbeorged agai ait it-
that the letters which 'we transmit by. postitte not- so very efibieA y 5.--If it were my post
delivered that we dare tax the machinefyfurther. -We grantihat 'To do this to a ghost
this should not be the case, but until our.iit.t-pot in.made peifecti it. (Which it.is not like to bg)
would be absurd to make any addition to-esfiltain. 1VLht us begin the I should order him to dbl
reform at the. right end, and, by-and-by, v eo-hhall have cheap news-; For of years a myri-ed
paper-postage. Begin with that, and we shl ;hatteletter-postagein a At the bottom of the Red-4ted:Sea !
more hopeless muddle than now-which is udlesinie.%We want in the 6.-It is not this, and it is not tha
Post-office the reverse of what we want in West,-ezgaTBvernment OfficesIt is not this, and it is not tha
--iberality, not economy. Not that we wadtit1hAer-salaried clerks; Oh, it is not one of two!t.
-But it stands for a noun, thont*! Jrs r&baut.
bntw e-hould give more to the real workers,' on 'whom- especially on Does this-erbum sit-,, n yuif
postmasters-the: additional business entMed' by savings-ban s and
dog-licenses should .confer a rise of pay-1-but' has not yet done so. SOLUTION or ACROSTIC, No. 109. Easter mview : 'Enginceer,
When we have reformed abuses, MR. G(nBAEs, we shall be glad to talk Amice, Staroi-Bikhot, Triumviri, Epitome, Rainbow..
about improvements. CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 109, nRECIman APRIL l4th.--NNeiland'Louie;
Nik6 Apteros; Chipping Podgbury; Lindis; Prior; Pompadour; Old 'Cider Eye;
IT seems probable, to judge from the'hot water into which book- D. E. H.
making has got him, that MR. W. HEPWORTH DIXON may in future
mind his own business-which is to, edit the _Athenmeum, and is not to War or Peace P
do catchpenny. EENST CouNT VoN.KENIZ, in the advertising columns -SECRETWY Cox says- so we learn from an American paper- that
of the Atheneum, gives its editor the--"ignorance" direct, .to put it PRESIDENT GRANT has determined to send Quakers to deal with the
mildly; and only recently Dn. BALL in the House, and the American Indians; and will soon appoint prominent members of that society as
*Minister at Newcastle referred to statements of Mn DIxoN's, that superintendents and Indian agents. This is very hard on the red
involved awkwardnesses out of which he could not wriggle save by the man I After trying to demolish him with soldiers for ever so long,
disingenuous dodge of making New America. his standpoint for re- now the Americans mean to set the men of peace at him. He might
butting charges directed against Spiritual Wives. Perhaps his latest get the better of the warriors in a fight sometimes; but if he ever
exhibition of bookmaking is his worst. In the Athoenaum's "Weekly beats the broad-brims at a bargain, they are not true descendants of
Gossip" we find that "we -i.e., Ma. H. D.-- Fox.
Notice a change of text on the very first page, which seems meant as answer
'to a query-put to the author in more than one quarter. The workinow opens thus:
"Haf a'mile below London Bridge, on ground which was once a bluff, commanding Making History.
the Thames from St. Saviour's Creek to St. Olave's Wharf, stands the group .of IN a recently published work from the pen of Miss BnADrooN we
buildings known in our common speech as the Tower of London, in official phrase as y pu se wor rom e pen IS ADDON we
*Her Majesty's Tower." The words in Italics are added in the new edition, find such a curious fact in history that we must quote it. In de-
What a defence of a claptrap' title! If Ma. Dixon -were going to scribing a series of ancestral portraits, Miss BADnnoN speaks of-
write a history of any particular man-of-war, would he call ,his book Soldiers who had fought at Bosworth and Flodden ; cavaliers who had fought at
Her Majesty's Ship Our common speech," which is not good Worcester; and travel soldiers and loyal gentlemen who had helped to beat the
enough for a DIxoN, is more correct than his acquaintance with rebels on Marston Moor.
"official phrase." It is time MAI. DIxoN returned -to his "critical" We had ever been under the impression that the battle of Marston
duties, and relieved some of the other poor old ladies of the task of Moor was one of the most fatal defeats the royal cause suffered;
reviewing books that they cannot understand-the Bab lallads, for and one of the greatest victories the rebels achieved. The lady
instance. novelist, however, no doubt expects the same complaisance from facts
as from men-they must give way to her.
LADIEs so frequently travel alone on the Chatham and Dover line, Victrix causa diis placuit, sed victa Braddoni.
assured of the courtesy and care of the servants of the company, which
are proverbial, that we feel compelled to give them one little warning.
When they travel on Saturday afternoons, it may happen that they -Razor'n an Objection.
will have to change carriages at Herne-hill ;-in which case, if they AN order has been issued permitting the metropolitan police to wear
,are bound for stations beyond Sydenham-hill, they will do well to see moustaches and beards if they choose. We have not yet heard how
that they -have lighted lamps in the carriages in which they travel, or the announcement has been -received in the select circles- or perhaps
they may be in total darkness in their passage through the tunnel, we should say areas-in which our gallant constables move. For our
Nothing, of course, but an unexpected pressure of traffic on Saturday part, we cannot help thinking that the wearing of a beard- however
afternoons could cause the station-master to forget to see that the pleasant it may be to abolish the razor-might be found inconvenient
lamps were lighted. But as pressure of traffic is possible now -that if policemen ever engaged in rows. But then we are repeatedly
-Spring is coming on, "the unprotected female" will be the.better for informed that they never do!
our hint.

The' Service is .going to the deuce TERM FOR PEOPLE WHO QUARREL IN THEIR Cups.-Can-tankard-ous.
WILa it be credited that at Dover on Easter-Monday.experiments A THOROUGHLY INDEPENDENT MAN.-One who depends on an inn
.were made with a ".flash-system of telegraphy ? for his living.








N.-APBIL 24, 1869.


\ -~

'I
I' I ~ ~~7??~/A-,-
/ '~~~V~'A ~
/ ~'-.


GOOD AT FIGURING.


Mr. Gl*dsn (Professor of Deportment):-" THERE, MY YOUNG FRIENDS! SEE HOW CAPITALLY MASTER LOWE GETS THROUGH HIS FIGURES !"


FU


Ill


e PRIr. 2 1869.




-; I' r -- T. ..r i -' ..I ".' '- k ',, ."


Aegm 24, 1869.] FIJ N 7N


BLACK AND WHITE.
ACTI'. SCENE 1.- Loom in Miss MILBURN'S 'House, in the Island of
Trinidad. Evening Party going on. 'Adelphi guests as per usual.
iEnter MIss' MILnun (an heiress) and'Msas. PENTOLD, her friend.
Mbts. P.-Miss Milburn, whyso sad?
Miss. M.- Sad F? Ah, Mrs. Penfold, if. you had danced with Maurice,
Count de Layrac, at Paris, as I did last year, you would be sad.
MAs. P.-Does he 'then dance so badly?
Miss M.-Badly ? He is a Vestris Mrs.' Penfold, I love 'that man!
Mls. P. (eoldly.)-Oh. Is that quite compatible with your engage-
ment to Stephen Westcraft, a rich planter ?
Miss M.-It is-quite. Listen. We flirted at several balls, and
when he learned that I was going to return to Trinidad, he promised
Sto be present at my birthday ball!
'bMs. P. (coldly.)-r-Ah. You've been going it, you have.
Miss M.- Of course he did but jest.
Mins. P.--Well, I think I'll go. I never thought much of you. A
young heiress of tender years living alone in Trinidad, and. giving
parties on her own responsibility, like the heroine in the Great Gity, is
hardly a proper acquaintance for any lady who respects herself; and I
can only say that the opinion I had half formed concerning you is
strengthened by your disgraceful behaviour, not only with Count .de
Layrac, 'but also towards that very worthy and good-looking young
planter Stephen Westeraft. Good evening. ["Exit.
iEnter STEPHEN WESTCnRAvT.
'STEPHEN (to'Miss M.)-Won't you dance with me, dear ?
MissM.-No.
STEPHEN.-My pet, is 'this quite .kind ? Come, in a few short days
you will be my wife. Let us make the most of the happy present.
'Miss M.-No, I shan't. Get away.
STEPHEN.-Why this singular coldness, darling?
bMiss M.-Because I prefer to dance with- [Enter SERVANT.
SEnVANT.-The Count do Layrac! [inter the COUNT DE LAYAc.
Miss' M.- Good heavens, 'tis he!
COUNT.-Miss Milburn, you invited me to your ball. I am here.
Miss M.-And have you come all this way to see ne ?
CoUSNT.-Solely for that purpose.
Miss M.-Mlaurice! My own Maurice! [Throws herself into his arms.
STEPHEN. -My own, I don't want to appear inquisitive, but I should
like to know towhom I am indebted for this affectionate behavioni
towards my affianced bride. -
CouNT.- Impertinent!
SrEPHEN.-Nay; chide me not thus hastily.
COUNT.- Take off your hat in the presence of a. gentleman.
[Knocks it off, hy way of proving what' a gentleman.he (the COUNT) is.
STEPHEN.-Really-
CoUNT.-You can send a friend to meat my hotel to-morrow.
STEPHEN.-Come, come-I'm not annoyed.
COUNT.-Coward! [.Enter DAVID MICHAELMAS, the COUNT's Servant.
DAVID.-Sir--a woman, named Ruth, wants to speak to you.
CoUNT.-Oh, impossible.
Miss M.-My Maurice wanted by a woman ? And he told me he
had come here only to see me !
CoUNT.-Good-lead on-I'll follow. [Exit.
Miss M.-Fury! Maurice is going to keep the appointment. I'll
follow. [Exit.
STEPHEN.-My affianced bride going to wander through the woods
at dead of night, after this affectionate Count! I'll follow. [Exit.
SCENE 2.-Interior of RUTH'S Hut. RUTH (a quadroon) in led.
-Enter COUNT DE LATYAC.
Cor NT.- What can this Ruth want with me ?
Miss bM. (appearing at sferet door).-What can this Count want with
Ruth ?
STEPHEN (appearing at hole in roof).-What can Miss Milburn want
, with the Count ?
RUTH.- Count de Layrac, you are only the adopted son of your
reputed father.
COUNT.- Ha!
RuTH.- You are my illegitimate son, and a slave! Flee this island
ereit istoo.late !
Miss M.-A slave ? And I thought him a Count! Oh, horror!
STEPHEN.-A slave ? Then he can't marry my darling. :A ray of
hope illumes my black, black sorrow!
RuTH.-True, my master, Mr. Brentwood, gave me my freedom
before he died-but no one knows where he placed it. This is the
only clue 'to its-hiding place (reads from proper) "In my room in the
old wing, six along, three across." [Dies.
COUNT and Miss M.- Ha!
STEPHErn.-Ah! [Tableau.
ACT II. SCENE 1.-The a-arket Place.
Enter DAvm -and PLATO, a Negro capitallyy played by bIR. BELMOnE).
DAVID.-I have determined to find out the key to this mystery.


" The old wing must mean a wing ofithe houso in wMch Mr. Brmt-
'wood lived; "my room," must mean the room he occupied. Come,
come, I'm no fool! (To PLATO.) Do you know l Sratwnod house.
PLATO.-I present my combliments to you, sao L Yes, I know it.
DAVID.-If you'll show me the way to it I'll give you, a sovereign
PLATO.-I present my combliments to you, sat r! Certainly. [ExentL
-Enter STEPHEN WESTCoAuFT, meeting COUNT Du L A-rAC.
COUNT. You here, you scoundrel!
-STEParE.--Oh, I'mn glad I've mot you, because I want to give yon
back the cane you left behind you last night.
CouNT.-Hound!
STEPHEN.-Come, come-this is strong language to a Plantua, from
a man in your. position!
COUNT.-What!
STEPXEN.-Pardon me; you are, I believe, a slave by birt
CoUNT.-Liat! [Smacks his face.
STEPHEN (thoroughly roused).-Ah, now you've gone too far. (To
Slaves.) Seize him-he is a slave, and ho has struck me 1
COUNT.-Fury! [Tiny seie Aim.
STEPHEN.-Give him a beating.
CoUNT.-Let me go, devils!
[They are about to strike him, when s Miss MILurm rushes fn at the prighit
moment. 'She throws herself between the CorNT and his assailants,
who qudil; thewhole forming a strikingly novel andi effective tablau.
STEPHEN (weakly).- Oh, of course, Miss Milbumrn, if you object I
won't beat him. (To CouNT.) There, go away to prison, and don't
do it again.
ACT III. SCENE 1.-The Close4 Room in Brentwood house. Cobwebs
*everywhere. The hangings are mouldy, the furniture is rotten, and
the whole scene conveys -a very fair idea of a room that has been
closed for thirty years. It also conveys a fair idea of a luxurious
Adelphi boudoir of the pre-ToM-TAYLO period.
En'er DAVID through window.
DAviD,--This must be the room. Now then, "six along, three
across "-it must refer to the pattern of the hangings. (Counts.) One,
two, three- one, two, three, four, five, six! This must be the police,
and as I live, here is an opening in the wall! And, as I live, here is
the letter! [Takes very seedy old letter, and exit through window
SCENE 2.-Interior of-the Prison.
Enter Miss MILBURN and the PRovosT MArtSHAr
Miss M.-You say he is confined here. Oh, lot me see him!
1'. M.-Certainly. [Opensmeell door and lets the Couer out.
Miss M.-Maurice I
COUNT.-Loved one! [They embrace.
-Mrss M.-You are to be sold ,by auction to-day; unless you are pre-
viously disposed of by private' contract, and Stephen is determined to
-buy you-but I will outbid-him. [Enter STEPHEN WaZcaArr.
STEPHEN.-Now really, my afianced one, you shouldn't hugslaves
like this. It isn't consideratestowards me.
Miss M.-IMonster! You intend tobuy him at the auction; but I
will outbid you. (To CouN-.)e ''Come away and be married!
COUNT (to STEPHEN).-Reptile [Exeunt .Cor'o r Bnd h ss 3L
STEPHEN.- This foolish girl must not be allowed to commit herself
by marrying a slave. She will be cut by everyone if she does. She
loves me no longer, yet I should betaorry to let her take such a fatal
step without stretching outta hand to save her. I will buy him by
private contract! Any sacrifice to save her! [Exit.
SCENE III.-The Market Place.
Enter COUNT DE LAYRAC, Miss MILBURnN PnoVoSTr aRs&s., and Otherx.
Miss' M.--We are marriednow, and I, am happy!'
ALL.-The sale! The sale !
Miss M.-Don't tremble-I will buy you at any cost.
Enter STEPHEN WESTCRArT.
STEPHEN.-Not so. He is mine. I have bought him by private
contract!
COUNT.-Ha! Agony!
STEPHEN.- Come with me, if you please.
Miss M.-You 'would not separate us.
STEPHEN.-You wrong me, I would. Come !
Enter DAVID, breathless, with letter.
DAVID.-Stop! Here is the letter!
ALL.-Read it!
P. M. (reads.)-This letter contains Ruth's freedom!
CorNT.-Then I also am free! My own wife!
STEPHEN.-And I am foiled! I did my best to save the unhappy
girl, but it was not to be 1
CURTAIN.
9 OURSELVES.-A good, though rather conventional story. Thereislittle
attempt at clever dialogue; but the action is smart, and never hangs
fire. Altogether, however, it is hardly worthy of the two clever gentle-
menwho are responsible for it. It isverywell acted-particularly byMl.
FECHTER, ]MR. BELMORE (excellent), MR. ATKINs, and Miss CAwnrTTA
LECLERCQ. The scenery is good, though rather highly coloured. ThIe
second act should have been (as we give it) in one scene instead of three.








72 F T1 N. [APaI 24, 1869.


THE POET'S DRAWBACKS.
is a pleasant place, we all are
well aware;
The only drawback
to the job con-
S- sists in getting
there!
You live on milk and
honey- and on
gold in that
abode;
But must have ca-
pital to pay the
turnpikes on the
M road,
And besides to be a
-.~ -. .poet you will find
there's but one
plan-
If you'd prove abac-
And,-. ocalaureate, don't
be a married
man.
Forifyou'vewifeand
family; they're
always at your

Hanging on until
r'/ your coat tails
A /' stretch, as they
N were like to crack.
A And i you have to
A make your choice
at last: 'tis-will
you (there's the
rub)
Give society a but-
terfly-your little
onea no grub!

For poets will some-
times o'erlook-I
speak in solemn
verity-
Their immediate de-
scendants while
they'rewriting for
posterity.
The lark can soar to
Heaven-andthen
drop into its
nest.
But you're no lark,
my poet-friend,-
with wings you
are not blest:

fortune to attain
Parnassus' crown
The thoughts of
home mayn't ba-
lance the fatigue
of coming down.
And the comfort of
--- your family 'twill
--- somewhat tend to
flummox
If-though you've bays upon your brow-they've nothing on their
stomachs.
Besides, you want your dinner as you climb the rising road,
And the butcher's bill's not settled just by making it an ode.
So, if you've not the wherewithal, best let the bays go whistle,
And, like your humble Pegasus, content you with a thistle.
It may seem rather hard, of course, with an unjaundiced eye,
To see men, scarce your equals, toiling upward, pass you by.
Don't envy them the yearnings, though, that onward bid them roam;
There's no diviner instinct than the love that leads one home !
And he's no fool who children, wife, and household blessings chooses,
Not the company of Phoebus and the nine blue-stockinged Muses.
Ah, if you take my counsel, my ambitious friend, you will
Aspire to nothing higher than the top of Primrose Hill,
Whence looking at the reservoir, where water on is laid,
Be thankful if the quarter's rates (and taxes) are all paid:


And if your children all are well, your wife in health and strong,
Thank Heaven you've not by suffering been cradled into song !
If history's page nor tradesman's book bears record of your name,
Rejoice to think your credit more extensive than your fame.
So come, friend, write your copy-take no heed of sneering fellows,
You've exchanged divine afflatus for the common fireside bellows,
Wherewith you make the kettle and the homely pot to boil,
And so support your family with honest humble toil;
Which is, mayhap, far better than to sit with laurels garish-
On Parnassus, while your family's supported by the parish.


WHAT'S ON THE WALLS?
THE Society of British Artists is steadily improving its exhibition-
a fact which some critics, always going in the same groove as that
wherein they started, would do well to recognize. The walls at
Suffolk-street this year are laudably lacking in those gaudy works
that seemed designed with an eye to the teaboard-manufacturers. [It
is not out of the way to note, en passant, that the old "teaboard"
style somewhat lacks application of late, owing rather to the improve-
ment of teatrays, however, than of pictures.] There are names in the
society which alone would ensure a good show, and the Hanging
Committee has exercised a wise discretion. Among the landscape-
painters MR. WALTERS, MR. H. MOORE, and MR. G. COLE decidedly
bear off the palm as members; MR. HATES, as always, is unapproach-
able as a marine-painter; and MR. BARNES sustains-and more-the
credit of the society in figure subjects. Among the outsiders, we
recommend the visitor to look up the pictures of MEssRs. O'CoNNoR,
V. BROMLEY, HEMY, NIEMANN, and HERxOMER; although the selec-
tion by no means exhausts the list of worthy works.
Ms. WARLLS, in the French Gallery, opens an exhibition of French
and German pictures, which has seldom been equalled. He has chosen
to give a large number of excellent pictures, instead of subordinating
a quantity of mediocre works to the effect of one sensation canvas.
Where all are so exquisite it is impossible, within limits like ours, to
attempt to define; but we may remark that it is a collection which it
would be a sad pity to miss seeing.

Folkes-tone and the Public Voice.
THREE children, aged respectively eleven, eight, and fourteen, were
charged the other day for stealing a shillingsworth of rape greens on a.
farm near Salisbury. The prosecutor did not wish to press the case,
being only anxious to stop such depredations. LonR FOLKESTONE,
after some not very wise remarks, wished to fine the children 20s. and
costs each, or a month in gaol! Eventually, some of the other magis-
trates protesting, his lordship allowed the child of eight years to be
discharged. Of course, the brats had no right to steal; but a scolding
or a whipping would have been sufficient punishment, whereas a month
in jail would be disedifying education. They manage these things
better in France "-and really FOLKESTONE is so near France that if
hewould only go there, no one would miss him.

The Velocipede Mania.
WE have received a number of a New York "periodical, of the
period," styled The JVeocipedist. It is chiefly to be noticed for giving
what it calls "a selection from the responses to the call of the Boston
Transcript for "a rhyme for velocipede." The "selection" includes:-
Horse to feed,
Mossy meed,
Loss indtes1,
Chance to m ed,
Dolly Reed,
Loss o' speed,
Glossy steed,
Hoss I lead,
Bossy feed,
Fo-sil, heed
Saucy steed,
Loss I heed.
If this be a "selection" of the responses to a call for a rhyme to
velocipede (of course, we mean a trisyllabic rhyme), what must the
others have been from which these were picked ?-there isn't a single
rhyme in the selection!

Notts- so bad!
THERE is every reason to believe that MR. DISRAELI is still engaged
in completing the "education" of his party. An item of provincial
news states that in Nottinghamshire-
The young wheats have changed colour, but no apprehensions are felt as to any
harm done to them.
Harm done to them Not a bit, rather the reverse in our humble
opinion.









Arnm 24, 1869.]


F UN.


A B C. BY OUR OWN CYNIC.


B C the old man teaches,-
"Silly pedant, trusting youth,
Practise what the teacher preaches,
And you'll find it's not the truth.
S Crooked paths are best to follow,
I Life goes topsy-turvily, -
Though the world is round, 'tis hol-
low,
This is plain as A B C.

Take a boy with birth and breeding,
Faas ie out his line of life,
Ru inng papa is "bleeding"-
* Wanton means the same as wife.
Jewish palms are very greasy,
Pretty trade-is usury,
Fun is free and ruin easy
As the letters A B C.

Never trust a woman surely,
When she's true she's not herself,
Plotting she looks down demurely-
Give her china, she'll have delf.
Treat her tenderly, she'll find you
Trust in her implicitly,
Then she'll hocus you and blind you.
Please to mind your A B C.


Makdehcr wife, and ever reckon
On a round of bills and bliss.
She will come if you but beckon,
When you wish it, she will kiss.
Years may pass without undoing
Nuptial felicity.
Still 'tis true when you were wooing,
She was loving A B C.
Pause at that initial letter
Which you point to-letter A;
Would you make him wise or bett '
Both? Well, here's a simple way .3)
Tell your tale and mind dilate you
On its eccentricity,
Then when he has learned to hate you
He will know his A B C.

MORAL.
By our Advertising Agent.
Nola Bene :-Mr. Preacher,
Would you have the world to know
You of alphabets are teacher ?
Here's the dodge for doing so I!
(Five per cent. to your adviser)
And next week, shall-thanks to me-
The A B C Advertiser
Advertise your A B C.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES.
MEssRs. CxALEsi AND Co. have recently issued a most successful series
of photographs of the Tableaux Vivants lately given at Rutland Gate
*for the .benefit of the "Distressed Irish in London." The Tableaux
were wrxanged under artistic supervision, and the photographs do such
authority no discredit. The picture of the "Children in the Wood"
-ain which the actors were the young LoRD S-ANDvs and Miss BARNEs,
.the daughter of one of our most noteworthy painters-is undoubtedly
most successful. The least happy is that in -which a lady was by some
oversight permitted to challenge criticism with the unfortunate title of
The Sleeping Beauty." We have only to add that the portefeuille
of photographic pictures is sold for the.benefit of the. charity.
We cannot see enough merit in Aecrostics from Across the Atlantic
to justify the expenditure of good paper, printing, .and binding. MR.
W. C. BENNETT'S Contributions to a Ballad History of .England fails
because the ballads are attempts at the old style, and as a natural
result are mere spurious antiques. Salts and Senna is a good name for
a dose of would-be satire, that is only childish physic-nasty and
weak.

"Our Military rCarrespondent."
WHAT funny notions "officersand gentlemen" 'have. A short time
since we had from the Toronto, Lader .a very plain and succinct
account of the assassination of a young officer at Quebec. Some cor-
respondence which takes place in-a contemporary,. devoted to the,
services, winds up with a letter of this sort. The writer first of all
abuses all newspapers for quoting from a "suspicious document,"
meaning the Toronto Leader, a recognized colonial -organ. Then he!
pitches into two previous writers. "A Civilian has called attention"
to the story, has recalled an 61d blackspot on ther'egiment inculpated,
and not unnaturally asked what will be done ? For this, our military
scribe abuses him, but no less reviles another writer who, as an "Ex-
officer" of the regiment, seems to have entered into its defence without
a thorough appreciation of the maxim qui s'ecuse s'ause, 'ae." Our,
military scribe having done this, proceeds to "defend his dead friend's;
memory "-by mere vague expressions of opinion; and winds-up
(after having bullied the Ex-officer for not giving his name) with
the simple signature "M." We know nothing of the merits or
demerits of the case; and can only hope, for the honour of the service,
that a better defence will be found for the assassinated officer than the
silly and incoherent bluster of a shadowy M." We are only desirous
of pointing out to "officers and gentlemen" that there is a right and
a wrong way of meeting allegations made in the columns of news-
papers-and ;that M.'s" isnot the right-way.

We Doubt it.
FoR the future it will be optional with the Metropolitmn -police to
wear beards and moustaches. Will the chaffing young London
shavers, on this account, find their occupation gone?

RECiTATION FronRHE AMPHIBIOUS.-"My name is Narwhal."


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
ON Monday, the 12th instant, Mb. P. B. PHILLIPS gave his reading
from the works of THACKERAY and DicKENs at the Egyptian Hall. A
large and critical audience approved the justice of the opinions which
have already placed him in the foremost rank of our readers. We are
rejoiced to see in his success hopes for the revival of a quiet and natural
style of reading; which has been lost since the last time THACKEeAY
lectured, and which the exaggerations of our BELLEWS and the
artificialities of our D'OnsEys bid fair to render extinct.

Higgs higg-sit.
THE annual hneeting of the shareholders of the Great Central Gas-
Consumers' Comlpany-lately brought into painful notoriety by the
doings of Hiads, of Teddington-is fixed for the 30th of April. It
should have been on the 1st, we should say, in compliment to the
Directors.', It is to be hoped that unhappy shareholders have not been
anticipating a large dividend :-it would, we fear, be a case of count-
ing on their chickens before the higgs wore hatched.



[ We cannot return unaccepted JSS'. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a-stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for leos.]
F. G. C. (Regent-street).-If the series is no better than the first sample,
you would, by sending it to us, be merely wasting pence on a bloated
Revenue.
R. S. R. (Fowkes Buildings).-If you had read your FUNx you would
have known better than to sendus such a joke on such subject; and would
have complied with our rules as to the return of rejected MSS.
SINODA-Adone, you reverse of an Adonis. '
A. P. (an aspiring School Boy) should get FUN for November 21st,-if
he has not got it already, as we suspect.
G. B. W. (Oakley-street).-Before you are critical of other people's
grammar, look after your own. The provincial journal you quote was correct
-punctuation is not an inevitable necessity of grammar.
D. SHARP, who subsequently calls himself "A Drone" must belong to
bagpipe music, which does not harmonize with us.
E. (Brighton).-Not up to the previous mark.
A CORRESPONDENT who signs with the whole alphabet might have put
that body of letters to better use in the body of his letter.
P. (Barton Moss).-We do not remember the sketch to which you
allude.
H. (Symonds-inn).-Can't see our way to working it out.
3.'G. G. (Glasgow),.-Thanks.
Declined with thank :-T. E. 0. II., Edinburgh; J. S., War Office; F.
Woolwich; Subscriber, 'Cardiff; C. W. W. C.; W., Eaton-square; J. W.,
Camden-road.; W. W. RJ., Manchester; Incognita, Highgate; E Camden-
squareP., Laughton; F. C., Liverpool; W. B.; Hard-up Undergraduate;
W. S. .; Old Bobby; H. G. E.; H. R. K.; Morocco; Blow-up; S.,
Fulham-road; B. T.; H, H., Tewkhesbury; 0. P. S.; L. V. K.; Snawker's
Gal; Pattypan; J. S., Leeds; Valladolid; Tootles;. N. W., Liverpool;
Snooks; Jobbernowl.


73









FUN.


[A.Prm 24, 1869.


THE NEW MEAT MARKET.
"DoES not a meeting like this make amends "-to some extent at
least-for the painful old traditions of Smithfield F We do not mean
the stakes of the martyrs, but those living steaks, which, when the
poor cattle were tortured in the old market, were'bruised and beaten
before their time. The Dead Meat Market is an example of the law
of Nature, that when the dumb beast suffers, the wrong extends to the
human beast who ill-uses it-or allows it to be ill-used. Unwholesome
meat was the result of tortured cattle. Now we have not only animal
pain spared, but animal food bettered; and more than all, the detection
of those scamps who do not scruple to turn a penny by sending dis-
eased meat to market rendered more easy and certain.
Let us fill high a bumper of beef-tea, and pledge in it the prosperity
of the Dead Meat Market at Smithfield!

TO THE ANCIENT GRIDIRON
OF THE SUBLIME SOCIETY OF BEEFSTEAKS.
"On April 7th were sold the furniture, plate, portraits, &e., of the Sublime
Society of Beefsteaks, founded in 1735. The great lot of the sale-the old gridiron
-was knocked down for 5 15s., to Messrs. Spiers and Pond."-Daily paper.
ALAS, we cannot put a skid
Of Time's revolving wheel the tire on!
And so away your time has slid, Grid-
Iron!
Far greater relics greater bid
We well might spend, did we desire, on.
We might have bought a pyramid, Grid-
Iron!


But, ah, the steaks, which once you did!
The steaks which have you placed the fire on !
Let the world lose you ? Heaven forbid, Grid-
Iron!
Should such an implement be hid-
Which had steaks, sung by poet's lyre, on ?
Those who'd permit it should be chid, Grid-
Iron!
Oh, come to Ludgate Hill, then, (id
Est, that hill's foot which rails environ)
Of thoughts of humbler spheres get rid, Grid-
Iron!
No more by you shall be bestrid
'Yon hearth, which ashes now expire on!
Go-go your laurels rest amid, Grid-
Iron!
You've seen good service! Take your quid
Pro quo- be gazed as ancient sire on!
The Silver Grill's to you a kid, Grid-
Iron !

Different Hues.
'l E Metropolitan Board of Works have failed to make good their
charges against MR. HUGHEs, accused of misappropriating their funds.
This termination of the trial seems due less to Hughes than to the
abuses in the management of the Board's accounts. They have, in
fact, lost their money not because offices of trust were HUGHES-full,
but because their holders were ornamental.


SUITS FOR ALL OCCASIONS, 42s. TO 114s.
IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.


SAMUEL BROTHERS, so%, I3D-.A.T HMILL.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS Pheaix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dectorf Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: April 24, 1869.


I 74


i -


#
I









MAY 1, 1869.] FU N. 75


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 67.-THE POLICEMAN'S BEARD.
O search throughout the human kind,
I'll undertake you will not find
A kinder, softer-hearted boy
Than gentle-eyed POLICEMAN JOY.
He sickened at the sight of sin,
And sought a hallowed refuge in
That haven of unruffled peace
The Metropolitan Police.
"Here," thought the gentle-minded lad,
Protected from examples bad,
And far removed from worldly strife,
I'll pass a calm monastic life.
"For wicked men, with nimble feet,
Avoid the good policeman's beat;
And miscreants of every kind
Disperse like chaff before the wind.
My beat shall serve me, as, I'm told,
Grey cloisters served the monks of old;
A spot convenient where at ease,
To ruminate on vanities.
"'Twill be, on all material scores,
A monastery out-of-doors,
With (here it beats monastic shades)
A good supply of servant maids."
Nor did his hopes betray the boy,
His life was one unruffled joy.
He breathed, at Government's expense
An atmosphere of innocence.
Vice fled before him day by day,
While Virtue often "asked the way;"
Or beg he'd kindly leave his beat
To help her cross a crowded street.
Where'er he went 'twas just the same;
Whene'er he whistled, Virtue came;
And Virtue always found him near,
When she was sent to fetch the beer.


0














For Virtue said, "That gentle eye
Could never compass villany.
A DON GIovANNI none could trace
In that fair smooth angelic face!"
And Virtue guessed the simple truth,
He was a good and harmless youth,
As simple-hearted as he looked,
His inside places Truth had booked.
But, ah, alas! as time rolled on,
LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENDERSON
This order to policemen gave,
All Constables must Cease to Shave "
The order soon was noised about,
The prisoned beards broke madly out.
And sacred from the morning knife,
They revelled in a new-found life.


Moustachios, freed from scissor-clips,
Poured madly over upper-lips;
Or curled themselves in either eye-
They breathed the breath of Liberty !
How fared it with our gentle boy,
That tender lad, POLICEMAN JOY,
Whose eye recalls the mild gazelle ?
Alas with him it fared not well.


That peaceful chin-those chubby cheeks,
That mouth that smiles, but rarely speaks,
Now wear by HENDERSONIAN law,
The fiercest beard you ever saw !
It spoke of blood-it spoke of bones,
It spoke of yells and midnight groans;
Of death in lonely robber-cribs,
Of poignards stuck between the ribs!
And Virtue, timid fluttering maid,
Shrank from her gentle boy afraid;
And took him for-I know not what,
At all events she knew him not.


Attracted by no whistled air,
Shy shrinking Virtue took good care
To see the boy was no where near,
When she was sent to fetch the beer.
And Vice that used to run away
Would now take heart of grace, and say
A beard that twirls and tangles thus
Must appertain to one of us!"
He brushed it often-combed it through,
He oiled it and he soaped it too;
But useless 'twas such means to try,
It curled again when it was dry.
Well, Virtue sadly gave him up,
Vice proffered him her poisoned cup,
And thus good, kind POLICEMAN JOY,
Became a lost abandoned boy!


A Poser.
FROM OUR SPORTING CONTRIBUTOR.
"SUPPosING," says the bard, "that I were you"-and next he adds,
on reflection,-" and supposing that you were me "-then he continues,
after indulging in this poetical license with LINDLEY MunnA, Sup-
posing we both were somebody else "-But the problem is too dis-
tracting to be pursued further. What we would add is, Supposing
you were me, and were reading a knowing sporting paper, why
wouldn't you be me, and why must I be you Because o' Tissue I


VOL. IX.










r-U.-


76








6 I ;









-I




-- ,


'THE 'CRECT CARD.
Morning Callcr:-" Is Mms. BurrLas AT HOME? TAKE IN MY cARD,
PLEASE !
Intelligent Slavey :-" YES, MISS, SHE'S HIN--BUT WOULD YER MIND TAKIN'
0' THE CAinm IN HERSELF, MY 'ANDS IS SO WET "


UUNS OFFICE, Tednesday, April 28th, 1869.
HE experienced Acrobat who last year drew such .crowds by his
daring performance of "A Leap in the Dark," has been of late
compelled to spice his entertainment more highly a trifle. A
rival troupe has been commanding such good houses, and has
lately made such a hit by the balancing of PRorEsson LowE, that the
great DIzzy has been driven to attempting "A 'Leap for Life." He
hopes by this to eclipse the efforts of the opposition company, but we
shall be glad to hear that a feat, fraught with-such danger to himself,
has been put a stop to, if not by his friends, by the proper authorities.

THE Chancellor of the Exchequer -has been so very successful in
giving the House one surprise, that he was tempted to try the
manoeuvre on again the other night with reference to the site of the
New Law Courts. His position was something like that of the pro-
prietor of the chameleon in the old poem one learnt at school. He let
the advocates of Carey-street and the Thames-Embankment fight about
it to their -hearts' content,.and-then-
He oped theabox-amd,.lo, 'twas white!"
Both sites were very well in their way, but'he had a'better-still.
'But MR. 'Low must be careful not'to wear out this pleasant little
artifice. We shall get rather tired of a Surprise Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer, as a child wearies of a Jack-in-the-Box after a time. 'We
admire his undoubted talentxso much that we should regret to see him


pEAY 1, 1869.


'DOU'B'L'E ACROSTIC, No. 112.
THE British rate-payer may thank
His stars he's got a man
Who'll stick'to money in the bank,
Nor-spend on foolish plan.
She money:that we're forced topay
iFor this, there's one as good.
For half the money,-let us pray
The Commons understood.
1:-She-was lovely, was divine,
One great charm -was, I opine,
That this most bewitching dear
Had some'thousands'ten a year;
'So 'twas hard in vulgar verse
Her sweet praises'to rehearse,
Speaking of a "buss "-a kiss,
:And he really called.her this.
2.-The schoolmaster made the boy hammer
At syntax and hard Latin Grammar:;
'What wonder, I'm sorry to state it,
-He-said in his Latin I hate it."
3.-The lady with calm, satisfaction looked down,
On the bright hues that pleasingly shone on her gown;
She thought how much labour perchance had been
spent
On the texture, but she might have rested content;
And known that a mighty machine, with small loss
Of man's time, ran the threads, running in this across.
4.-If I were a mighty bird
Living'here, as I have heard,
I would steal a little child
From'its mother, have it "biled";
Till so tender it would feel,
Eitted for my evening meal.
SoLUTION or AcosrTIO'No. 'l10.-House, Lords: Hall,
Otto, Usurer, Sod, Eros.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS Or ACiosTio No. 10, TsCEIrvxn 21st ArP L.
-T. Butcher.; .yde and. Ellis; Annie,. Leeds;-Old Maid; Pompa-
dour.

Jet-some.
A LAPIDARY of our acquaintance says that the gas
companies are quite right-considering their blackness
-to talk of their lights as gas jets.


exchanging the post of a big gun for that of a pop-gun. And apropos
of guns, we incline to think his removal of the tax on hair powder a
mistake. Unless he wishes us all to wear white hair, we can see no
motive for the emission, while the tax on the use of armorial bearings
is retained. The latter is in many cases a necessity, but powder is a
mere fiction of fashion.

WE shall have Tramways in spite of the opposition of the railway
companies, and the ill-odour in which Train's abortive attempts involved
the system. The Southern side of the Thames, which is so heavily
taxed by the confederate railway companies, will before long have a
remedy in its own hands, for the trams ;may be extended indefinitely
into the suburbs so soon as they have proved that they are easily and
safely worked. When the distances become considerable, cheap light
traction engines, constructed like vans, so as not. to frighten horses,
without whistle or smoke, might take the place of the team; and
then we should have a veritable People's Railway "-cheap, safe,
and expeditious. No one 'will regret that the days of Railway mono-
poly are numbered.

:Deflnitions.
THE proprietor of an'state'wliich'he has let on building lease is a
ground landlord. It is hardly necessary to 'define to any one who is
acquainted with the poorer districts of London what a ground tenant is.
The only oddity is that very often.tenantsin underground cellars are
tenants more ground than the others.

Darned .Classical.
DEAR, dear!" paid Mlaterfamilias ruefully surveying the large
holes in Young HopefuPs socks as he was taking'off his shoes; Dear,
dear there's a lot of.p6tatoes-to mend!"
Potatoes, my love;" said'Paterfamilias,loolkiig. ap from his work
"I should have thought carets the more appropriate term."






F T N'.-MAY 1, 1869.


A LEAP FOR LIFE.


A SHOCKING FAILURE AFTER "THE LEAP IN THE DARK."










FU N.


A FT E R D -A:R .K..
-A 'Lt ONO' IDY-L.
tNLondon, when .the sun is low, to borrow-somethinglike
CAMPSE'L'S words, there descends a gloom, which is
probably the deposition of the smoke that has been held
:m suspension over it all day. It is -known as "the
dark," as distinguished possibly from "the -night"
Which enfolds the rest of the country. It is ,made more
Sperceptibleby the dull gleam of the- street lamps and the
-glare of .the shop windows-as long as'the-shop windows
S remain open. It is a long and unpleasant interregnum
in which-the bull's-eye of the policeman keeps its dazzling orb fixed
on all:who wander abroad.
It is impossible, in the limits of a short article,'to describe all the
features,of -this:mysterious time. We can -but pick out a few salient
ones.
After dark! The pavements are greasy and damp. The gas burns
a sickly yellow. Night cabs have just begun to turn out, and crawl
in a half comatose state about the streets. There are not many shops
open, though the gin-palaces are more wide-awake than ever.
What, then, is the meaning of this congregation of apparently
respectable folk at this street corner ? Old maidens, young maidens,
and even children,
are here. They loiter
about, despite the il
fact that there is a
quiet drizzle begin-
ning, with a modest
assurance as if it




for the last 'bus! And here it comes, so stand aside, for gallantry
- and humanity are quite forgotten in such a case. "Twelve inside and
four out," won't-to put the matter arithmetically-" go into about
two and twenty. In the language of common sense, two and twenty
can't squeeze into the 'bus, so the rule is every one for himself, and
the"-conductor won't "take the hindmost."
Has he missed the last 'bus ? Well, in one
sense, yes In another sense, no! Ho has
missed it in the sense that he won't go home
in it as usual. He has not missed it in the
sense that he did not mean to go home in it-
in fact, it has been gone an hour or so. He
has stayed in the City to dine with a friend.
Or he has been at his Whist Club. Or he
has been looking over his books. At any
rate, he is going home considerably after
x, dark, and he is hurrying along too, for he
knows his wife is sitting up for him.
We will trust the stout gentleman's road does
not lie in the direction of this gentleman's lurk-
?ing place. This gentleman's active life is spent
--like that of other beasts of prey- after dark.
,Like other beasts of prey, he does not always
hunt alone. There are- two others equally pre-
possessing waiting about in the neighbourhood,
to assist-him in capturing his prey. He is quite
well known to the \
I police, who visit him
at his hotel-the inn
-where he takes his
ease until he is
wanted" for "put-
ting the hug" on
somebody after dark.
I Then he accompanies
his friend, the con- -,tr
stable, quietly, and receives his sentence,
eventually, with stoical indifference. But
he does not receive with stoical indifference
the execution of that portion of the sentence
which makes him acquainted with an animal
which, like himself, is most lively after dark
--the cat! He howls under its infliction with
great zeal. 'But it is doubtful whether the
teaching of the cat is more than shrin-deep.
When he comes-out again, it will hardly
have the effect of deterring him from more
excursions after dark.
After 'dark-very much after dark, being made lup after dark


81


models of what Ethiopian serenaders are supposed to resemble; this
genius-with two or three congenial soils, accompanied in every sense
by bones, violin, and tambourine-discourses music at the doors of
public-houses. He sings chiefly-with the roof of his mouth, which
gives his melody a touch of influenza,, and ,lends the tones of the
catarrh to his banjo. His -repertoire is limited; but, fortunately, his
audiences are not critical, and are often beeoo, so that, if, when he
has reached the end of his selectionand finds coppersstill iortheoming,
he begins over again, the repetition is not noticed. Ho is given
greatly to melancholy ballads, descriptive of .the loveliness and early
death of some Lily," or "M1 ary," or Smiling May," who .is buried
" down in "-some of the United States. This tendency of his to sing
plaintive ballads is rather cheering, for his rendering of them is
amusing, whereas his comic singing is enough.to move one to tears
and despondency.
After dark still; but getting on towards the small hours. The
music-halls -have, closed long-since; and the Jolly Cad, the Great
Dunce, and -the rest of 'he
comiques, who are not a whit
better than the melodist we have
just been contemplating, are
sleeping, let us hope, the sleep of
innocence of ideas. So let
them sleep on!" as the poet says.
But their humble imitators-
imitators of such originals !-are
still out and about "seeing life."
Life,. according to their philo-
sophy, is made up, it would
seem, of milk-men, market-carts,
draggled drabs of women, and
threes of gin! The contempla-
tion of such spectacles is calcu-
lated to reduce the gay youths to
the state of our friend in the
margin-melancholy idiocy and
incapacity. His Champagne "l"; y
Charlie" hat is battered and
bruised. His cut-away coat is smeared with mud, and so are his
tight-fitting trousers. The guardian of night and the peace gently
advises him to go home. He hiccups a reply in the form of an
inquiry where he lives. Take him away, Mr. Policeman, and lock
him up, first undoing his neck-tie, and seeing his head is higher than
his heels, for liquids-even bad drink-will find their level, and nature
abhors a vacuum. He'll be all the better for a headache in the
morning.
After dark. Yes, it will soon be after dark in another sense, for
after dark comes dawn. The sky is getting grey-a pure, cool grey;


one almost wonders how it can do so over
such a place as London, and especially the
night side of it- Yonder comes AunonA-at
l least, not exactly Auioiu, but the lady
who keeps an early coffee-stall. Bless you,
her shrine is more popular among night-cab-
men, police-constables, market-gardeners, and
early workmen than that of AunotiA would
be! It is a warming, comforting beverage
she dispenses-and, hush! a word in your
ear! If you can't do without a nip of some-
thing stronger, I have heard that she retails a
potent spirit extracted by some mysterious process from old rope- a
fiery, scathing spirit, which I should recommend you not to take
(unless you are a Salamander or a Fire King) in stronger proportions
than a tea-spoonful to the waterman's bucket of water. You're not to
be tempted ?-well, then I must bid you-what is being fast turned on
-a good morning, after dark.

The Saturday Shrew.
THE Saturday Review the other day acknowledged the existence of
"good girls of the, real. old English type." The sixpenny shrew of
journalism has railed at women so long that perhaps when it grants
thus much we ought not to look the gift in the mouth. Still we should
like to know the exact meaning of the old English type." Perhaps
the middle-aged dame who has scolded so because girls will be pretty,
means old-faced type." If we are to go back to the very old English,
all we can say is that, unless history tells fibs, the girls of that period
used to paint- a very bright blue. But then, to be sure, in the matter
of dress there was not much to take hold of.

,A Growl by our Cynic.
-W En a man says that his misdeeds have come home to him you may
generally take it for granted that it is because they find it a congenial
home.









82 F U N. [MAY 1, 1869.


THE SAILORS' HOME.
FRoM OUR OWN OLD SALT.
WHAT I want to know, Sir, from you, as the Captain of FUN, or if
not from your honour's self, from the chief officer, or it may be the
bosun, which I should judge was the publisher that pipes all hands,
whether or not you'll say a good word for us that, as the song says,
finds how hard it is to write." There's another song, Sir, wrote by
a landsman, and sung, as I've heard it myself, to a many that never
went beyond the Nore, and wouldn't trust themselves on ship-board
even round the Isle of Wight, that says, A life on the ocean wave
and a home on the rolling deep is the sort of thing that would suit:
and I'm not a-going to deny at my time of life, Sir, and when I've
been, as I may say, a-knocking about the world here and there for nigh
upon forty-year, that a sailor don't take kindly to his ship when she's
sea-worthy and well-found, and a master that knows how to look at a
man as a man and make allowances: but what I'm driving at, for all
that I seem to be yawing about as if I'd lost the wind,-is this, that


when a seaman is homeward bound, what sort of a life is he generally
a-looking forward to ashore, and what sort of a home after he once
sets foot on the wharf, or gets moored alongside the St. Katharine, or
London, or Victoria Dock, or otherwise. Well, Sir, if you'll pardon
my freedom, I'll tell you what we was obliged as reasonable men to
look forward to in my young days, and that was, that, while we was
kept off and on, neither afloat nor ashore, but yet, as one may say,
run aground in the surf, a-waiting for the owners to settle up our
arrears of pay, we had to lodge somewhere nigh handy, and if the
crimps and the runners and the Jew clothesmen that always laid by for
poor JACK like a school of landsharks didn't get hold of all that was to
come of our pay, and then live on us till we was obligated to go to sea
again with borrowed money: there was plenty of others to help 'em,
and to say as we used to sing-
"Get no, Jack, and let John sit down,
For you are outward bound."
Now, Sir, does it stand to reason that many of us being single men
could look after ourselves in the way of getting a decent lodging in
such places as lay alongside of where we landed, when it was just the
look-out of everybody as came athwart us to put us into a place where
we didn't know who was our friends or who wasn't ?
Mind, I'm not going to deny that sailors and fools may be what an


old purser used to call sonominous terms: they've been ominous to
a good many of us, but for all that, when a sailor gets ashore it's a
good deal like what I should think it is when a landsman finds himself
at sea: he loses his reckoning, and can't nohow keep his head to the
wind, wants somebody to look arter him, in fact, till he gets hold of a
rove rope and makes out his bearings. Well, Sir, and I've been
veering right away from the p'int, but having made an offing ain't no
proof of bad seamanship,-what I want to say is this, will you give us
a good word for Sailors' Homes ? If you'll just please to think, Sir,
you and the other gentlemen, what a sailor's life is, and how, perhaps,
you wouldn't get on so very well without some of us a-bringing this,
that, or the other from different parts of the world, it might be my
excuse for hailing from this new Home in Well-street, where I've just
brought myself to anchor, and for saying that there's a little help
wanting, not here only, Sir, in Well-street, near the London Docks,
but at Portsmouth, Falmouth, Bristol, Dublin, Belfast, Glasgow,
Leith, and at every other large seaport in this tight little island, where
Sailors' Homes are, or should be. It ain't that we want to be kept,


you understand, Sir; our wage is sufficient for that: but there's help
needed for getting the houses large enough, and for making them ship-
shape; there's a little help wanting too, Sir, for what wasn't hardly
thought about in my time,-(or, at least, if it was thought about it
was by the Government, that took our shillings from our pay for
Greenwich Hospital, and never let us see the value of our money
though they promised to give us an asylum)-and that is a Convalescent
Sailors' Home, where men discharged from hospital, but too weak for
to go to sea, is laid up for a bit in dock to complete repairs. I am
your honour's most obedient, JOHn JuNK.
N.B.-No relation to a cousin o' mine in the theatrical line: he
wasn't never more than steward of a river steamer.
N.B. again.-What I said last tack about not wanting help ain't
meant to take the wind out o' the sails of the Destitoot Sailors' Asylum
as is close alongside o' this Home. There's destitoot sailors, just as
there is destitoot parties of other callings, some by their own fault
some by misfortun' and the 'Sylum, which is under the same good
management as the Home, gives food and shelter to many a poor chap
who's in worse danger ashore than afloat.

EARLY EXPERIENCE OF THE CUCxoo.-Life in lodgings.











FUN.


A PROSPECTIVE TRIP TO BATH.
._ C 1 H, the time is approaching ifor tripping,
To Ramsgate and f largate and
Dover-
And Hastings and Worihing
moreover.
And all places that be
On the sea, on the sea,
Famed for salt, and for shrimps, and
Sfor shipping.
Yes! the time is approaching for
dipping ;
For a dance on the sand,
In a band,
Hand in hand,
'Mid the breakers so morily
skipping.
.- But too often, dear me,.,
S" r'' In a-manner so free,
--' The performers deserve a good
whipping.
This season let's hope that each hopper
-Will wear a costume that is proper,
And abolish the- style
S Of-bathing so vile--
'Twould raise blushes on cheeks made of copper.
If not, -let us hope, as a stopper,
The Lord Chamberlain may,
As he did t'other day,
On the practice come down with a whopper.
For the Chamberlain he
A Commander should be
Of the Bath, as becomes a tip-topper.


The Mildness of the Season.
OwING to the warm sunny weather we have had during the last few
days a quantity' the most excruciating puns have suddenly blossomed,,
and many wild conundrums have rapidly assumed their natural
greenness without saying so much as with your leaf, or by your leaf.
Many of these have been plucked by thoughtless persons and wantonly
thrust into our editor's box. On the principle of nailing the bat to the
barn door we print one of the most extravagant of these attempts as a
warning to all evil-doers:-
- "Why is a lady who has eaten a pork-pie, containing more fat than
the one she previously partook of, like one of the most popular artistes
on the lyric stage ?
' "Because she's had a leaner patty (ADELINIA PATTI)."
Can.it be possible -the miscreant-alludes to the charming MARQUISE
DE Ca Ux? The perpetrator of this atrocity is well known to -the
police, and we solemnly warn him not to do it again.

Inghani-bob !
WKY will our police magistrates try to be Solons-when they are
hardly Solan geese? MICINGIHAM, of the Wandsworth court, said-
That drunkenness was the cause of all the misery, In the world. If working
men were to keep sober, they (the magistrates) would have to shut up their shop.
We do not know what MR. INGHAMAe professes to .sell at what he in
dignified terms calls his shop; but we-should not think of trying there
for common sense or logic. He knows perfectly well that there are
plenty of evil passions beside the passion for drink which bring men
before him. He should also think that for one, whose duty it is to
know the law of evidence, to make such a loose statement amounts
virtually to telling a-fib!

Drink to me only with thine Eyes !
REA- LY -the economies now practised by our Government depart-
ments are becoming too much like cheese-paring-we beg pardon,
quill-mending. Here's an instance:
The Board of Trade have awarded a telescope to Captain Von Schantz, of the
Russian barque Gefion, for his humanity in receiving a portion of the shipwrecked
crew of the barque Aldivalloch, of Sunderland, on board his vessel, on the 21st of
January, 1869.
Could not the Board of Trade have done something more handsome for
the gallant captain than merely standing him.a glass ?"

High-ti-tighty!
NEVERn form an opinion of a man by his surroundings. A trades-
man may be in anything but a _prosperous way, even though his
shutters are up."


Maine Eooigh.
We quote the following from an American jppor':-
TheiseSZBei lM oretuw'auevently debating the Ullifor the abolition of capital
punishment,.tndtan:animentwas proposed that, .previously to the ban of a
criminal, idllotelbmnrlbe administered to:him. Thie was vehemently .oppoe, be-
cause itirasdanlgemU to life, and finally rejected.
We :could ayeat almost any absurdity from Ithe Legislature that
enacted ta im-nmons "Maine Liquor Law," btut really this sort of
legidatitonseems to hint at idiots rather than Maine-iacs.

Singular Misapprehension.
THE 'following sensible resolution is issued by authority of the
Secretary of the United States Navy :-
Duty will be assigned according to the requirements of the Navy, and officers will
-be assigned to service who are well known to be the most competent to perform it.
And yet this paragraph is quoted in English papers under the heading
-Merit versus Influence I




[ We cannot return unaccepted XS8. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
PuNDAIuE-It would have been better for all concerned if the "attempli
which have been lying among some almost forgotten papers in your desk,
had continued to do so, though lying is not a good habit as a rule.
VAzE (Taff).-By all means, Vale-in sternum Vale!
J. H. C. (Lady-well).-Who kindly says, "if we can make any use of the
enclosed it is at our service," is thanked. It has just lit an excellent cigari
for us. We prefer a hot coal as being more pure carbon, but we won't look
a gift spill in the mouth.
BoB-A-L K.-Bob-a-linked nonsense long drawn out.
FAUST or KENSINGTON.-We don't see that what you offer could im-
prove matters.
A BLooMSBURY CARD.-We can'tdeal with ynu.
PFN.-Wants mending. Apply at the Stationery Office.
H. V. (Lower Thames-etreet).-We have no opiniono" of your pro-
duction, and therefore cannot "state it in our answers to correspondents."
0. P. Q. (Birmingham).-Oh, pe-cu-liarly bad!
J. H. F. (Oakley-square).-Your MS. may be had on application at the
office.
H. D.-Hardly of sufficient importance.
TA-TA.-Is thanked for the description of his views on what he calls
originall whit."
SuGGESTION.-Probably he-was unconscious of the inspiration.
Declined with thanks :-F. H. P., Sligo; B.; Bedmunds; D. W. F.,
Dublin; J. K., Old Ford; H. J. 'G.; Mack; J. S. W., Northampton;
M. H. C. S.; C., Glasgow; S., Altrincham; Thrush, Q. A. M.; Cannio
Newcassel; A. G. G., Dundee; A Constant Reader; Xanthippus; P. R.;
Harry; C. J. S.; Tiny Trivial; X. 0., Liverpool; R. C., Huddersfield;
E. C., Kensington; Gulielmus Radius, Horsham; 'W. A. S. S.; Alick;
H. H., Westminster; J. W. W., Christchurch.


MAY 1, 1869.]


83


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE Co-operative Covent Garden Opera ,Copany has not been
allowed much of saanmopoly. The Lyceum Theatre is once again to be
Devoted to the lyric drama. It will open on the 3rd of May with an
Itali ,n Opera Company, which, while it numbers many well-known
rind I Lvi.:..iti artistes, introduces several recruits from the foreign
opera houses, of whose merits the pwiblic will have an early oppor-
tunity of judging. Such a spirited ndertakingadeserves support and
will, -we feel sure, receive it. 'We .specially : rove of the new
regulation which makes full dress eptiail on. Monday and
Satordays; for it is a step that reil -otribute gr atly- to increase thbn
p.-'nularity of Italian Opera. 'he swallow=t-alamle excludes many
a humtbk lover of music.
lHowis'itthatthero is such a'plonidlit of artiites announced for a
Morning concept tobe given at St. George's tll an Tuesday, the 4th of
,May, for the benefit of the Hospylifor Diseasesff-t e Throat, Golden
Square ? The programme boasts el the names of MmsDAMMs BODInA-
PYBsE, LBMcMNBs-SHERRuINGTON,- =ad PATEY, of XWSe HBRSEE, Miss
Ior1zamao, and MA Dr"noSELi DuASDIL, Of MESSnS.. RUEEBN, THOMAS,
PAMZ,. and reasBaRDT. The solution is that these eminent singers
-give 1heir services gratuitously and most readily to an institution
which does 'sch great good to their poor bretihren-in-art. All
honourtobaoth artists and institution I-the public.isbound.to patroniso
the concert.
WE are pleased to announce that MR. WaorGt, ithe treasurer of the
Haymarhet, will take his benefit at that theatre on Thursday, the
20th of May, on which occasion a variety of entertainments, in which
-Messas. BucxKSTONEand SoTHE N will be:suppoAted by the whole com-
pany, is promised as an inducement-if-ainducemenBt 'be needed on such
an occasion.










84 IF U NT. [MAY 1, 1869.

SPRING IN LONDON.
ANOTHER day of genial spring!
O'er all the roofs the sunshine pouring,
Shows up the dust like anything,
And dirty bootmarks on the flooring.
The window-panes with dirt are dim-
And dim with dirt the paper mural;
While motes in flights of myriads swimn,
Like gnats above some streamlet rural.
The budding trees (just two or three
Are visible) look green-extremely !
Where all things black around them be
Such verdure really seems unseemly.
A week of London atmosphere
Will tone them down to due propriety,
And they all grimy will appear,
And sooted to their black society..
The spring is here-the spring is here;
As I have reasons good for knowing,
For coats and boots will disappear
At cries of "blowing and a-growing!"
On yonder window-sill's a pot-
You think th9se flowers are pelargonia:
But, bless your innocence, they're not !
They're highlows and an old siphonima
Well, since the garish sun will gleam,
I'll meet the case with some effiront'ry!
I'll shut my eyes and have a dream,
And fancy I am in the country.
The roaring streets shall sound like brooks-
Like birds the little street-boys' calling.
Lo, there's a settling flight of rooks-
Just where a lot of blacks are falling!
Ahd, well the country's very nice-
Hot weather, verdant fields, and tillage.
But think of shandy-gaff and ice! .,
You can't get that now in "our village."
The living in the country's bad,
(Bad grub makes me fly in a fury)-
MURDER WILL OUT. If rus in urbe can't be had,
Checkdaker (to Jones, who has just seen Act 1 of MACeaTH at the Little D uflngtoe rd rather not shave 'erb in re.
Theatre) :-" WON'T YE TANE A PASSt SIR? THERE'S THE MURDER OF DUNCAN
IN THE SECOND ACT !" SUGAReY MOTTO FOR A GROCER's JUVENILE PORTER:
Jones :-" THAwKS, NO! I'VE SEEN THE MURDER OF MACBETH IN THE rIRST !" Happy as a sancl-boy."

TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES. system of railways. It takes the same view of the case as MR.
Wis have received Songs of the risingg Nation, by MRs. FORESTER BRANDON'S little pamphlet, and argues it out very fairly. On one
and her son and daughter- the latter "a very young girl," we are point it is undoubtedly correct :-that a considerable reduction of fares
informed. The tone of the book may be gathered from the fact that and traffic charges is the only measure that will bring lasting and solid
the dedication eulogises the "martyrs" who were hanged at Manches- prosperity to the railway interest.
ter for patriotically shooting an unoffending policeman. The quality
of the seditious poems" is warm and mildly effervescent, like a penny Much Ado about Nothing.
bottle of ginger-beer, that has been insufficiently corked down and T complaint in this paragraph seems childish
kept in the sun. If we thought that Ireland's wrongs could not THE complaint in this paragraph seems childish
inspire better song than this, we should suggest to MR. GLADSTONE, in Riding-habits are worn so short just now that some ladies min Rotten-row are
the interests of that oppressed country, to disestablish its national greatly embarassed to manage them.
poetry as well as its church. A rising nation" ought ae Well, if they can't manage their riding-habits, they had better break
that rise too, whereas these cannot soar to mediocrity, themselves of the habit of riding.
In Pioneers of Civilization MESSRS. HoooGG follow up their book of
Arctic explorations,.and continue a series which will delight our boys- TEST OF GOOD FEnowsHIP.-Singing, when in a minority, "Jolly
and even the boys of larger growth." T !
We receive from MEssRs. MoxoN the authorised edition of Whims Noes!"
and Oddities, by THOMAS Hoon. There is no need to criticism works to
which the world has long since awarded its approval, but we may re- NOTIOC.-Complaints having been received that F u s sold on Tuesday;
mind our readers that they will do better to purchase this edition, with the publisher begs to state that it is issued to the trade under a distinct
the original cuts, than to buy a spurious and defective issue, put forth understanding that it is not to be published before Mednesday morning,.
by an unauthorised house. As however some unprincipled persons, for the sake of a few extra pence
A little pamphlet on The Railways of England, Scotland, and Ireland, profit, break through the rule, he will feel obliged for any information of
by CarPTAIN PICrTET, sets forth a scheme for the reform of the present such cases.


BOYS' SUITS, 16s. To 45..
IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE OR MADE TO MEASURE.

SAMUEL BROTHERS, 5o T.DCk-A-Tm aIrIT.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: May 1, 1869.









MAY 8, 1869.] F U N. 85


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 68.-THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO, AGAIN.


OFTEN wonder whether you
Think sometimes of that bishop, who
From black but balmy Rum-ti-foo
Last summer twelvemonth came.
Unto your mind I p'raps may bring
Remembrance of the man I sing
To-day, by simply mentioning
That PETER was his name.
Remember how that holy man
Came with the great Colonial clan
To Synod, called Pan-Anglican-
And kindly recollect
How, having crossed the ocean wide,
To please his flock all means he tried
Consistent with a proper pride
And manly self-respect.
He only, of the reverend pack
Who minister to Christians black,
Brought any useful knowledge back
To his Colonial fold.
In consequence a place I claim
For PETER '" on the scroll of Fame
(For PETER was that bishop's name,
As I've already told).
He carried Art, he often said,
To places where that timid maid
(Save by Colonial bishops' aid)
Could never hope to roam.
The Payne-cum-Lauri feat he taught
As he had learnt it; for he thought
The choicest fruits of Progress ought
To bless the Negro's home.
And he had other work to do,
For, while he tossed upon the blue,
The islanders of Rum-ti-foo
Forgot their kindly friend.
Their decent clothes they learnt to tear -
They learnt to say, I do not care,"
Though they, of course, were well aware
How folks, who say so, end.
Some sailors, whom he did not know,
Had landed there not long ago,
And taught them Bother !" also, Blow !"
(Of wickedness the germs.)
No need to use a casuist's pen
To prove that they were merchantmen;
No sailor of the Royal N.
Would use such awful terms.
And so, when Bishop PETER came
(That was the kindly bishop's name),
He heard these dreadful oaths with shame,
And chid their want of dress.


(Except a shell-a bangle rare-
A feather here-a feather there-
The South Pacific negroes wear,
Their native nothingness.)
He taught them that a bishop loathes
To listen to disgraceful oaths,
He gave them all his left-off clothes-
They bent them to his will-
The bishop's gift spreads quickly round;
In PETER'S left-off clothes they bound
(His three-and-twenty suits they found
In fair condition still).
The bishop's eyes with water fill,
Quite overjoyed to find them still
Obedient to his sovereign will,
And said, "Good Rum-ti-foo l
Half way I'll meet you, I declare,
I'll dress myself in cowries rare,
And fasten feathers in my hair,
And dance the Cutch-chi-boo !"
And to conciliate his see
He married PICCADILLILLEE,
The youngest of his twenty-three,
Tall-neither fat nor thin.
(And though the dress he made her don,
Looks awkwardly a girl upon,
It was a great improvement on
The one ho found her in.)


The bishop in his gay canoe
(His wife, of course, went with him too),
To some adjacent Island flew,
To spend his honeymoon.
Some day in sunny Rum-ti-foo,
A little PETER'll be on view ;
And that (if people tell me true)
Is like to happen soon.


A Long way off.
WHEN the papers said that Blackfriars Bridge was to'.be opened in
May, we said to ourselves May-but may not !" May, even by the
exercise of the utmost might, is now out of the question. But what
alarms us is the announcement that the Bridge is now to be opened in
the month in which the inauguration of the Holbora Viaduct is
promised. The potential May is resolved in that very remote future.
We leave it for posterity to name the month in which the Ho lborn
Viaduct will be inaugurated.
Described by MXCao PAXRE.


VO.L. Ix. f









86


FUN.


T FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, .fay 5th, 1869.
HE Poor Law, as embodied- by- Bhimble the beadle, must be
banished, as Ma. BxucoE more than hints. An increase in
Pauperism of forty4ive per cent. in three years-as evidenced by
a recent return-proves the incompetence of the system, and seals
its doom. Bumble has. costumut cand done little. Exacting but inef-
ficient, pompous but not imposing; oftinzealouswithout discretion, and
always oppressive without real power, it has fostered the worst weak-
nesses of the poorer population, without encouraging its struggling
virtues. It has encouraged poverty where it was a trade, and ignored
it where it was a calamity. It has held out premiums to imposture
but closed its doors against genuine distress. The system has been
sufficiently tried. It is found-to be an expensive failure. Despite his
gold-laced cocked hat and his uniform, Bumble is proved an incapable,
cruel, crass, and costly. Unlike OLIVER, JOHN- BULL does not "want
more" of him.
The course to be adopted in his case is simple- enough-so simple
that a mere nursery rhyme isralLwe want to indicate our notion.
Here we see an old man who1 in the sense of qui laborat orat, will
not say his prayers." Let Jom-Bo.Bta tee up:" hisleft leg," and kick
him "downstairs!,"

WE are glad to announce the projected establishment of a Lazetotal
Society, in connection with an Indolbnce League. There can be no
doubt about it that excessive labour is the curse of the present day.
In some parts of England-itnthe City of 'London, for example-every
other house is a house of business: These dreadful places are, indeed,
even more plentiful than gin-palaces'!
No one can fail to detect,' at a.glance, the man who habitually
indulges to excess in work. His -pale face, his shattered nerves, his
enfeebled frame; all attest to the fatal practice; which but too often
results in softening of the brain, premature old age, and& death.
It is useless to argue that a:temperate addiction to .work is harmless,
or even in some cases healthy. The moderate worker is the undoubted
cause of the evil. No man. ever. became a-confirmed toiler, who did
not begin as a moderate worker;
Were it possible to close all places' of business, what a boon we
should confer on mankind, Such awful examples as the case of
OVEREND AND GURNEY, or the defalcationesof. MR. HIGGS, are entirely
attributable to the existence of such places in our very midst. Almost
every crime, indeed, may be traced to the evil influences of excessive
work.
It is the intentioniof the Society and League above-mentioned to
endeavour to procure the passing of a Permissive Bill, which will
empower a majority of two-thirds of the inhabitants of any place to
close all houses of business, in order to discourage excessive labour.
In- strict accordance with the aims of these two institutions, honorary
secretaries have been appointed, who: will abstain from all letter-
writing ; and honorary treasurers, who will never touch money. An
honorary chairman, who will never sit, will preside over an honorary
committee that will never meet.. Of course, there will be printed
reports, which will necessitate- the employment of printers' labour;
but such things are unavoidable. Our Temperance friends know that,
for only the other day, at Glasgow, a petition in favour of SIR W.
LAwsoN's Permissive Bill, lying for signature at Glasgow, was left in
charge of a man who was eventually locked up for being drunk and
incapable.
THE photographicc News.contaiais an amusing letter from MR. H. P.
RoBIasoN, of Tunbridge Wells--one of the kings:of the camera-which
is highly amusing. It relates how that gentleman, at Newhaven,
anxious to take a photograph of the view seaward, chanced to select as
his site of operations a bit- of shingle belonging to Government. A
stolid sentry, backed up by an obtuse bombardier, ordered him off.
He moved to a jetty a few-yards away, which was not Government pro-
perty, and found that, whereas, at his former pitch he could only
record the toss of the, ocean, here he could, unrestrained, take photo-
graphs, of the coast defences. As an instance of the stupidity of
military machines, the story is amusing enough. But MR. ROBImsoN
makes it-a text for some suggestions so excellent that we venture to
repeat them.
Why, he asks, should not officers in the army-and we add, especially
in the Engineers and- Artillery-receive a sound training in photo-
graphy -an art which makes such rapid strides, and might be so useful
in the field-P The-electric telegraph has been pressed- into the service
of the army; and the camera would be scarcely less useful as an ally


[MAY 8, 1869.


Moreover, by being told off to assist at-photographic campaigns, pos-
sibly, sentries might, in time, come to a better understanding of the
workings of the art, and would not, therefore, hunt the photographer
(and possible spy) from a site whence he can take nothing but the sad
sea waves, to a spot which gives him- a fine sitting" of our coast
defences.

DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 113.
I LOVE, in Spring's first-sunny days,
To visit these delightful spots;
Where gardeners work in various ways
With spades, and hoes, and watering-pots;
Where trees, herbs, flowers, neathh constant tending,
Are their expanding beauties blending.
1.-He can amble, trot, or canter, ,
And we have called him Tam o'Shanter.
2.-All--all but this I'll gladly lend-
When-.storms burst o'er him-to my friend.
For such a loan,
As well is known,
Experience cannot recommend.
3.-If he is of the right old sort,
He likes a glass of fruity port.
My oath I dare not to affirm on,
That what he reads is his own sermon.
4.-Earthly beings come to dust
When their brief lives cease.
And all earthen vessels must
SCome to this last piece.
5.-This-is pleasant-so Ihear-
When given not by bear, but dear.
6.-A right good horse,
Cannot perforce
Be of a colour that is amiss:
He ought to be rapid if he-is this.
7.-He talked for hours so tediously, that all the folks, who hoard,
Made answer with wide-opened.mouths,.yet never said a word.
SoLuTION OF AcROsTI No. 111. Sudden Summer: Strauss, ITrubu,
Dream, Drum, Exorcise, Neither.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSriC No.111, RxrVED APRIL 28.-D. E. H.; C. H. G.;
BrynSyfl; J. L.; A Blighted Being; Apple Jack; Nil Desperandum (No. 2);
Thomas and Collings; Slodger and Tiney; H. B. Derflaand Ycul; Constance
L. C.; NikU Apteros; East Essex;: Addlepate; Pimlico Tom Cat; Linda Princess;
Romanelli; Sillaw Bros.

Cracking- up, the Crack.
THE Times appears to have been rather unfortunate in reporting the
proceedings at the late Newmarket Craven.Meeting. The following
is rather an amusing correction.on the part of the leading journal:-
By an error we were made to describe Pero Gomez as, cow-backed. It should
have been cow-hocked.
It is lucky that so thorough a sportsman as Sin JosEPH HAWLEY is the
owner of the Derby favourite, as, whatever bovine-a bull-properties
may be attributed to him, we may be sure that no milking opera-
tions will be carried on in the market. The Times also- remarks that
the colt "will yet have to beat the Two Thousand winner." Probably
he may, but the veriest tyro in racing matters should know that it is
by no means a certainty that the Two Thousand winner will be
engaged in the race for the blue riband. Wait-for FuN's tip-all in
good time.
On a- Recent Regulation.
CoLosTL HENDEzsox has promulgated an 6rder, allowing the Metropolitan Police
to wear beards and moustaches.
THE rule about beard
And moustache, it is feared,
Is a move neither prudent nor clever.
When required seldom seen
The police have aye been-
We shall now see less-of themthan ever.!

Au. pied de la Iettre.
WHEN MR. DISRAELI lately deputed some one else to move his
Irish Church Bill amendments in the House of Commons, it was-we
regret to learn-because he had the gout-not because he had not a leg
to stand on.
A DEFPNITION- BY A HORRIID OLD TORY.
THE CAP OF LIBERTY :-A mob cap.


85






F TJ N.-MAY 8, 1869.


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BUMBLE'S BANISHMENT
ull :-" NOW, YOU BLUSTERING, INCOMPETENT, TYRANNICAL


OR, WHAT IT MUST COME TO AT LAST.
HUMBUG, GET OUT! YOU'VE HAD A SUFFICIENT TRIAL;-I MUST HAVE A CHANGE, NOW!"


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FUN.


A TALE OF A HEAD.
CHAP. I.
OBODY knew exactly how much money old SCHAVEY, the
barber had. It Was easier to take his measure than to
make his treasure. He was a miserly vain old blockhead.
His opinion of his personal
appearance was only equalled
by the value he set on his
personal property. The only
extravagance he permitted
himself was in his estimate
sof his good looks. He was
Sethe village barber at Toodle-
ton Parva; and had a shop
in the High street; Over.
the door" he had a pole,
striped red, blue, and white,
like a gigantic peppermint
Westick. In the window was a.
display of brushes and combs,
Spomatum, frizettes, and false
hair. And in the centre of
the window, with its locks
dressed' in the height of the
fashion, was a head, after the styleof most hairdressers' shops
But the head was not a wax dummy-though itlookedlike it. It
was in reality the head of the establishment.
Yes! ScuvAEY contrived to gratify his two weaknesses at once by
substituting his own head for the ordinary waxen image. By sodoing-
he showed off his countenance and complexion, and saved the price of
the dummy. He had contrived a seat in, the window just behind a
sham bust draped with the usual velvet, looped up on one shoulder.
When a customer arrived he retired from the window for a while
returning.to his seat as soon as the visitor's business was despatched.
ScuAvny had but one relative living- a nephew, whom he was
educating in London. He intended to bequeath him his business and
his savings; but he kept him on very short allowance in the meantime.
The nephew, NATHANIEL NIPPER, was by no means disposed to quarrel
with the old man though he growled terribly at his meanness, which
was really excessive, for he was wealthy enough to be able to affordthe
golden mean -instead of the copper.
NATHANIEL had never seen his uncle though they had corresponded
often, and at great length. At last he determined to go to Tootleton
in person and lead for an increased allowance. He had no difficulty
in finding the shop. His uncle vas expecting him, seated in his usual
place in the window. NATHANIEL who recognized the likeness of the
dummy to his uncle's earte de visite exclaimed on entering, "By Jove,
the block is uncommonly like the blockhead !" ScHAvEY said not a
word; and, NATHANIEL, supposing his uncle was out, took a stroll
round, the village. On his return he learnt that his uncle was ill in
bed, andrefused to see him.
The remark of his nephew had so affected the vain SCHATEY that
he took to his bed-lingered a week-and then died of a determination
of vanity to the head.
CHAP. II.
[I now'T see why I should call this the Second Chap." because it's
about the same chap as the last-NATHANIEL.]
NATHANIEL came a second time to Tootleton to hear his uncle's will
read. During the old man's illness he had learnt all about the dummy,
and could see what a fatal mistake he had made.
As he sat on a stile just outside the village on the day of the funeral,
his reflections were not very cheering.
"He'll cut me off with a shilling razor!" thought he.
But when the time came to his surprise he found that his uncle left
him his writing-desk and all it contained. Visions of hoards of notes
and gold swam before him. Without a moment's delay he opened it ?
It contained nothing, save a small folded paper. With a.trembling
hand NATHANIEL unfolded it. Within it was a lock of his uncle's hair
with the brief inscription, "A chip of the old block .'
The old man's money was devised by a codicil to "The Bald
Barbers' Asylum." With one stroke of the pen he cut off his heir, as
with one snip of the scissors he had cut' off his hair.

An Appropriate Tex'.
"Tim Cohditionr of'Texas" is engaging the attention of the united:
States' Senate, and high time too! Here, in England, one of the
chief topics of the day is the "Condition of Taxes."

Budge it !
DoUBTLEss with a view to mark its appreciation of the versatility of
Mn. Lowz's 'memorable budget, our contemporary, the ER a, has for
the last month dispensed with its usual "Carpet Bag."


THE LAY OF THE ANCIENT BACHELOR.
A poor virgin, sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humour of
mine, sir, to take that that no man else will."-.As you Like it, Act V., Sc. iv.
IT is an ancient bachelor,
And he stoppeth one of three:
"Fair maiden," saith he, so buxom and blithe,
Wilt thou come along with me ?
"Wilt thou come along with me, sweet maid,
For a little walk or ride ?
And we will stop at the nearest church,
And thou shalt be my bride."
The maiden's eyes flash proud disdain,
She never a word doth say,
But she crosseth the road and pursueth her walk
On the other side of the way.
Now it is an ancient bachelor
And he stayeth with one of two,
"Fair dame," saith he, no money have I,
But a-heart both leal and true."
The middle-aged dame she tosseth her head,
Not a moment doth she stop;
To escape from that ancient bachelor
Sheeaitereth a shop.
Ahl! wo-! the ancient bachelor
Is left.with one alone;
And she fixeth him with her haggard eye
Above her sharp cheek bone.
"Since thou. art so civil and kind, fair air,
Why I will not say no."
The old maid hath caught the old bachelor,
And she never will let him go.
MORAL.
Know all men that this fearful tale
Is a lesson stern but true :
They may not be all prize roses
That turn their hearts to you.
Yet the perfume of some is very sweet-
You pass them- at last forlorn,
You'll find you can't get a rose at all,
But must put up with a. thorn.

An Opening.
Hini's a chance for the medical profession!
MORPETH UNION.-MEDICAL OFFICER WANTED.
T HE GUARDIANS of this Union will at theit Meeting to be held on Wednesday,
the day of next, proceed to appoint a duly qualified MEDICAL
PRACTITIONER, as Medical officer of District No. 7, comprising the Townships
of Hartburn, High and Low Anigertob, and East and West Thornton- Salary 4 per
annum-Applications to be sent tome previous to the day of election
Gao. BRUMELL, Clerk to Guardians.
District No. 7 comprises but little over forty thousand acres, and you
must find your own drugs.. Going for Four Pounds! Now, then,
doctors, don't all speak., at once'!

Piter-rile(d).
THE Wekly Despatch, of a recent date, states, as its opinion,
ithat-
The game of Imperialism, puer et simple, is being played out.
We are more willing to believe that there is a printer's error in this,
than that an unkind cut is.intended at the only hope of the supporters
of the present regime the Prince Imperial.

Whom Sweet- Whom.
OUn respected friend the penny-a-liner has come out in a new line!
In his report of a crime recently committed in Brecon, he winds up
with the statement that'its perpetrator has not been discovered.
And' fact no clue has been obtained as to whom he is.
The author of such an original sentence as whom he is" must be
regarded as a whom-orist!

The Right Tune for the Occasion.
AT the opening of the new market, erected by the munificence of
Miss BURDETTr COUTTS, for the benefit of the poor of Bethnal Green-
the band, we hear played (in compliment to another great benefactor of
the London poor), Hail Columbia-square."

"A Doo's LIFE."-The existence of the poor in the Isle of Dogs.


MAY 8, 186R.]









FUN.


A STIRLING PERFORMANCE.
LovERs of SHAKESPEARE had a treat the other night at St. James's
Hall when Mas. STIRLING read his most exquisite poem A Midsummer
Night's Dream ; and the incidental music of MENDELSSOHN was supplied
by an excellent orchestra, conducted by Mn. KINGSBURY. It is to be
hoped that no long time will elapse before the repetition of an
entertainment so agreeable and so interesting.
Mas. STIRLING'S rendering is marked with the ability and intelligence
to be expected of so accomplished and experienced an actress, whose
claims to the foremost rank in her profession are beyond dispute.
In the comic portion, wherein that earliest of Trades Unions, Quince's
Amateur Company, is concerned, she was simply admirable. It is
much to be regretted, therefore, that the performance of the most
lamentable comedy of Pyramus and Thisby had to be omitted from
the reading. Of course it would be impossible to read the whole
play; and, equally of course, to leave out any part of it is to injure
it; it is, therefore, something to say that MUs. STIRLING's arrangement
omits as little as may be of the finest passages, while telling the plot
most intelligibly. But we could still wish the "very tragical mirth"
of the rude mechanicals had been retained; it would have been a telling
feature.
It may seem ungracious, if not presumptuous, to differ with MRS.
STIRLING'S view of the Midsummer Night's Dream; but we venture to
express our opinion that it is less a play than a masque; and that
therefore the rhythmical passages should receive a treatment rather
poetic than dramatic. By the latter treatment much of the musical
flow is lost.
In spite of the bad weather, the reading was well attended; and
the audience bestowed warm and appreciative applause on MRs.
STIRLING's efforts; and at the conclusion filled her arms with
bouquets.
Of the music what need to say it is exquisite-especially the
"Clowns' Dance and the quaint Funeral March" of Pyramus and
Thisbe ? It was played with a skill and taste for which the appear-
ance of MR. KINGSBURY'S name as conductor was sufficient guarantee.
We may add that the little book of the arrangement (" book of the
words profanely called by the programme-vendors) is decorated with
a fanciful frontispiece (by MR. WATTS PHILLIPS P) containing a
portrait of MRS. STIRLING; and will therefore form a pleasant
souvenir of one who is an old, and yet ever-young, favourite.


SONGS WITHOUT WORDS.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUTN.
Smn,-What do you think of the following as an impromptu ? I do
not lay any great stress on its mere meaning, but am a little proud of
it. But you shall judge for yourself.
The Bandicoot-the Bandicoot,
'Who plays that syncopated flute,
The pitch of which
Is soft and rich,
Like wails of pipeclay, never mute!
The Bandicoot-the Bandicoot,
The wildly interesting brute,
Can sing a thing
That tears would bring
To fill the eyes of orris root.
The Bandicoot-the Bandicoot,
Oh, list the adumbrate auroch's suit,
And sigh while I
Let Pandects fly
In perfumed murmurs-toot-toot-toot!
To say that I could have written that without inspiration would be
a glaring absurdity, so I won't say it. Allow me to explain. It is-
as near as I could guess-what a young lady sang at an evening party
in my hearing-or nearly in my hearing-a few nights since. Young
ladies seldom sing their words so that one can hear or understand
them; so I have acquired a habit- being considered in my own circle of
friends rather a poet-of improvising suitable words as the air proceeds.
I consider this poem-though slightly obscure in parts (but what is
genius without obscurity ?) -is one of my happiest efforts. As it is not
improbable that it does not bear much resemblance to the words of the
young lady's song, I deem it my duty to place it at the disposal of our
native composers. I may say without infringing the limits of modesty
it will answer their purpose at least as well as much they set to music.
Yours, &c., ENTHUSIAST.

ONE TOUCH OF NATURE."
No wonder that velocipedes should become the rage-they can travel
at a marvellous pace-downhill.


[MAY 8, 1869.









MAY 8, 1869.] F U N. 93


THE FAVOURED -FEW.
I only danced once with most of my partners, and they were nearly all fresh
people. r-much prefer dancing with a favoured few.-.Extrct from intercepted
Letter.
IN all the mazes of the dance,
I circle with a wondrous grace,
And coyly cast a witching glance,
At some low-bending whisker'd face.
'Tis sweet, I think, and, dear, don't you,
That dancing with a Favoured Few ?
There may be partners that can whirl,
As well as Austrians in the valse,
On whom I lean, confiding girl,
Nor reck if all the rest be false.
And yet those "casuals dare not sue
For favors, like the Favoured Few.
And do I dance with gay hussar,.
A plunger of the purest kind,
With just a soupcon of cigar
About him, and a vaduous mind.
To him I'll say a long adieu,
And hie me to the Favoured Few4
And be the partner pawhky Scot,
Frae.Glasgie or the Kyles of Bate,
(Totell the truth the bard is not,
Aware what Kyles are, but 'twill suit
The rhyme) he never dares to woo
So sweetly as the Favoured Few.
Ah MARYa dear, do you agree
With his Philosophy of mine
Then share my partners all with me,
My generosity's divine.
And yet, dear, you'll prefer theminew
And won't expect the Favoured Few.

CHATS ON THE NAGS.
MAY.
THE warm weather, -that has .marked, the opening of the month,
seems to have influenced Tinsley's, which is somewhat reduced in bulk
by it, we fancy. The four serials occupy the lion's share of the
number. Of the shorter papers, "Painting and Puffing" and "Ladies'
Clubs' are most amusing, and the verse, "Ethelin Fairyland," is clever
in conception. Of the two illustrations we prefer that from the veteran
pencil.of GEORGE COnrCKS HAN, though we never see his work on the
wood without wishing it were on the copper, of which he is the master.
In Belgravia we have a tantalizingly brief instalment of "Bound to
John Company," and the conclusion of MR.: WooD's "Serpent"
Papers, which is most interesting. MR. SALA's essay "on a passage
in Vanity Fair "- is pleasantly chatty, but it would be better without
the last few pages, wherein MR. SAI.A has the presumption, forsooth,
to fall foul of THAcKExAY Readable articles from MESSRS. SAWYER,
THORNBuRY, and..SDNE BLANCHAuR go to make up the number plea-
santlyenough, with a piece of verse,,"The Dreamy Sea," grandiloquent,
pseudo-Tennysonian, sham-mystical, and not altogether rhythmical.
Of the illustrations the less said perhaps-the better this month. The
picture to the verse, is a jumble that requires pulling together, being
weak and scattered in effect.
THE resemblance of Golden Hours to Good Words is more than ever
marked this month, in everything save excellence. Sea Beach
Gatherings," with its illustrations, is the best thing in the number.
Mn. R. BAExEs and MR. TownrEY GREEN contribute clever drawings,
but have lost somewhat either in engraving or printing. Perhaps if
the reader -has but courage enough to wade through the opening story
by "1WADE RoBmeso," he may get:on swimmingly enough with.the
rest of the number.

Going too Fur.
THIS is a funny story !
Before leaving Paris his Highness the Nawab Nazim'of Bengal thought to keep
out the.cold by having his. coats lined with fur. A Paris tailor did the needful, but
with the six coats forwarded a little bill for more than 5,930-not francs but
pounds sterling. This modest demand the Nawab refused to pay, and the in-
domitable Frenchman followed his Highness to England.
In England some friends of the Nawab interposed-the coats were
examined, the furs condemned, and Monsieur Snip had to sneak home
satisfied with a couple of hundred pounds or so. No one but a French
tailor would have been ingenious enough to avail himself of the
opportunity of clothing a man in furs-to fleece him!
TO THE ETHNOLOGICAL SOCIETY.
AiE spider-legged men peculiarly subject to cobwebs on the brain ?


HERE, THERE,. AND EVERYWHERE.
THE Globe Theatre now adds to the attractions of MR. BYnox's
pleasant little comedy of Minnie and MR. RsECE's laughable burlesque
of irown and the Brahmins, a new play, most. easily describable as a
farce in two acts, Breach of Promise, adapted from the French by Mn.
T. W. ROBERTSON. Though we should prefer to see the author of
Caste and Society doing something more worthy of his reputation than
mere adapting, we must confess he has, in transfusing the fun without
19uing its sparkle, achieved a success that few others could have
ihusied. There is a rollicking abandon about the piece, an utter dis-
regard for probabilities and possibilities, combined with a bustle and
brikness irresistibly provocative of laughter. In fact, the roar begins
a few minutes after the rise of the curtain, and is not exhausted till
some time after it has fallen. Mn. CLARKE is excellent as Ponticopp.
Ckaoples, "his friend," is performed fairly by MR. MARSHALL, but
should hardly be made quite such a fool. When these two are
searching Honor: Molloy's rooms for evidences of a landestine attach-
ment that will justify Ponticopp's breaking off his engagement to her;
his delight wiaen OCooples finds successively a cigar-case, some lettexv,
and a portrait; and his disgust each time at discovering they are his
own, are thorcighly comic. But it is Miss MAeeas BRENNAN, who, .as
Honor Molloy, has to carry the piece along, and she does it with
admirable spirit. In Cyril's Success and in this piece (the only two
parts. with any opportunities that she has had since she appeared) she
hag;:hown the greatest promise, and is already ai established favourite.
We should be ad to find that she was withdrawn from the burlesque,
which.is not her line, and reserved for comedy, in which she will soon
achieve a reputation.

An Old Barty in a New Form.
The Awful Results of Studying the Breitmann Ballads.
Dis-REILLY hafe a barty-
Where ish dat barty now ?
Where ish de loely.gauntry crowd
DAt kick oop sich :a row ?
WRere ish de shkid of de gommon wheel,
VW shtop de Beople's hoas:?
Altoned afay mit de losaof Bower-
fly mit de dings datwostl:

Epigram,
"u. Know not whether"-TnE PFOT.
THE SeasonB6f their change to be a hinter)
Do not reject the rules that THo-QsoN taught 'em.
For-briefliyon the question here to (w)iater-
Springs aght not to be summaay'---Owieght-'cm ?



[ We cannot return unaccepted 88. or Sketches, unless AiqatBraoem.
panned by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do nsit haUWs-wvltes
responsible for loss.]
OLD SALT.-Not a trace of the Attic sal-y.
H. A. L., J. K., T. H., AND C. B. D.-A joint stock om00 rather
limited, of Conundrumists,'don't start with anytthiagwecan~ aVpital.
TaY-TILL-YOU-DO-IT.-No, don't, we implore you! Thljgoect ofeo
many years of suffering unmans us.
T. L. (Strand).-Not at all bad-as copies!
BLUEBOTTLE.-You're a-carrion' on, you are! You be blo-. No,
that's absurd! You began life at that.
TIT.-Rather above the average. Not suited for us. And we regret
that we cannot-further advise you.
CoPPEr must have plenty of brass to send such dross to us.
J. I. L. (Llanelly).-If your humour were asgood as your good humour,
you would be a -wit!
C. H.-Not up to our notion of a rhyme.
W. Y. (Russell-square).-Such language maybe permitted to the Bishop
of Cork, but we could not use it, if we would.
A. H. (Caterham).-Whichever you please. We should think the lady.
G. T. DE W. (Leytonstone).-We do not reprint matter from Colonial
comics.
J. H. (Manchester).-Thank you.
I. K.-Your Herculean effort is too classical a labour.
BLOW up.-So you are really a descendant of the great Shakespeare!
But If you had had pluck enough to send your address too, we oould have
corrected a few misapprehensions, under which you labour.
Declined with thanks :-P. M. W., Liverpool; Blue Boar, Hay; J. W. R.;
A. 0., Chester; E. P. L., St. John's-wood; A Schoolmaster's Rule;
T. G. J., Bedford-row; H. W., Birmingham; P. M., Norwood; Noodlekin;
E. K. S. C., Hurst-green; T. A., Todmorden; Area Belle; Biceps;
Tittup; J, Liverpool; Nussing; T. R, Leeds; James P; Nibbs; Anxious
Ass; Podasokus; S. M., Manchester; V., Dalston; Tempus Few-git;
Nessus; Count P.








04 F UN [MAY 8, 1869.

THE WORK OF THE SESSION.
THEY-RE gtting well on with the Session,
The members elected last year,
Wise measures are making progression,
LGood laws will in due time appear.
But work still remains and before 'em
Long nights of debating one sees,
Ere blue skies of August bend o'er 'em,
Unfortunate hard-worked M.P.'s.
There's CHILDEins, a stable AUGEAN,
Of sad naval blunders must sweep,
Ere England can sing a true paean
Of Britain still ruling the deep.
There's GOSCHEN must work like a martyr,
As well as attend the debates,
He'll find he's caught what's called a "Tartar"
In equalization of rates.
LowE's proved himself good at financing,
I As well as in epigrams keen;
IAnd BRIGHT at his old freedom glancing
Regretful, appears on the scene.
'IThere's work too for G DASTONxE, to martial
The hosts that obey his command,
Presenting an empire impartial,
rWe must have those tramways to lighten
The traffic that blocks up the streets,
I'itiAnd burglars that prowl and that frighten,
'i Shall taste of surveillance the sweets.
Another American treaty,
In re Alabama we'll draw,
Since REvRDY JOHNSON's,-so sweet he
Was always,-ends only in jaw.
I There's work then for all if they'll do it,
And not raise cantankerous roars,
But stick like good senators to it,
Unheeding long speeches and snores.
I'j FiF{ ,I: And then when the worries are over,
'. They'll fly, meritorious men,
F \i L To seaside and covert, in clover,
LAfar from the sound of Big Ben.
Our GLADSTONE away down at Hawarden,
.'I.,. I I '.Will think of the battles he's won,
We suggest to BOB LowE a small garden,
And seat sheltered well from the sun,
Whereon he can rest him, and ponder
llOn each senatorial ass,
WVhile BRIGHT in the far Northland yonder
Is snaring the salmon with BAss.
Keen GoscHERw may stick to the city,
-- And CHILDERS go Off to the sea,
___His tours of inspection we pity;
And as for FUN, sagest M.P.,
-He'll rest as of old on Parnassus,
And send wit and wisdom afar;
And, when August comes, he will pass us
___ Cool drinks- and the soothing cigar.


A Laugh on the Wrong Side.
B 0 B BY AND B E A R D. TooTrws is of opinion that his gas company
I'D BIN AWAY WITH MIESIS IN THE COUNTRY A TORTNIT, AND H1 COME DOWN THE has laid on laughing gas" because of its
AIREY UNEXPECTED, AND I'M BLEST IF I KNEW HIM AGIN. OH, IT oGIVE tfi SICH- A (s)mil'd effulgence. When he comes to see
TURN "-Extractfrom Zetter ofJANE, Coek what is charged for the darkness visible we
think he will consider it no laughing matter.
Breach of Privilege.
TuosE members of the House of Commons, who took part in the debateon the New Law A RISTORIAL QUERY.
Courts before the rising of the Chancellor of Exchequer declare that he was guilty of great WICrn would one naturally suppose to be the
rudeness in taking a site at them on the sly! best of all Caesars ? A-gripper, to be sure!


SUITS FOR ALL OCCASIONS, 42S.. TO 1-14s.
IN STOOK FOR IMMEDIATE USE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.

SAMUEL BROTHERS, So, -UDcG-ATB-m ma.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dnetors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.O.--London: May 8, 18 89.







MAY 1, 1860.] F -1,


/ //





t


46


N


04=3


CAMERA, a beginner in photography,
not quite turn out as expected !


A NOT VERY HAPPY PEAR.
thinks this a capital plan for securing hitt sister'slittle sister's attention during a sitting ; but (see below) it does


HERE, THERE, AND
EVERYWHERE.
ON Saturday, the 1st instant, the
Holborn Theatre was opened, under the
management of MR. BARRY SULLIVAN,
with LORD LYTTON'S play of Money.
If the enthusiasm which greeted the
new venture is a criterion of the sup-
port the public is likely to give, we
may congratulate Mn. SULLIVAN on the
prospect of a long and prosperous
managerial career. He certainly de-
serves it, for he has collected a good
company, and has spared no trouble or
expense in putting the piece on the
stage.
Money is a play which has passed its
meridian. It is clever, and there is
some telling dialogue in it, but com-
pared with our modern standard it is
too long-winded and lacks delicacy.
MR. SULLIVAN performed the part of
Evelyn as so experienced and pains-
taking an actor only could play it.
Ma. GEORGE HONEY, as Mr. Graves,
MR. COGHLAN, as Sir Frederick Blount,
and Mn. STEPHENS, as Sir John Vesey,
ably supported him; while Mus. HER-
MANN YEZIN, as Clara Douglas, lent the
charm of her finished acting to com-
plete the picture. The comedy was
preceded by the farce of the Mistress of
the Mill, which kept the house in good
humour till the curtain rose on the
more important piece.
He must be a bold man who still says

VOL. IX.


we ate hot a musical people. Besides
the Royal Italian Opera, and the
Lyceum Opera, which opened on the
1st of May, we have concerts of all
descriptions, the latest addition to which
is to be found in the conversion of the
Holborn Amphitheatro into a Pro-
menade Concert Hall. The now under-
taking begins on the 16th of May, and
publishes a programme and list of per-
formers, which combined with the
Briton's partiality for taking his music
walking, will ensure a large at-
tendance.

To Flats.
THE Birm inghamn Weekly Post, in its
Money Market Intelligence, remarks,
"Banks generally flatter." In their
prospectus, doubtless; but were a
tradesman desirous of overdrawing his
account it strikes us that the very re-
verse would be found to be the case.

Seasonable.
AN observant meteorologist has noted
that as a number of smart holiday-
folk were admiring the Bushy Park
chesnuts the other day, a "smart"
shower of rain fell.

WrY are London sparrows so pert ?
Because, callow when young, they na-
turally grow up callous.


rl//








FUN.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, May 12th, 1869.
HERE is a story in that best of all story-books, The Arabian
Nights, which the Government of MR. GLADSTONE should have
studied- and doubtless would have studied if the Irish Church
Bill had given them the leisure. But they are not the only
people who would do well to take the lesson to heart. The liberated
Fenians and the foolish Cork Mayor, levior eortier, should lay the little
fable to heart. Doubtless the still incarcerated "Patriots," who are
not likely to be liberated after what has happened, appreciate the
apologue.
A fisherman once found a brazen vase or jug in his net, carefully
corked and sealed. He opened it, when there immediately rushed
forth a huge quantity of smoke which eventually collecting itself
became a solid body and took the shape of an ugly and ferocious demon.
The first way in which this monster showed his gratitude to his
liberator was by threatening to kill him. The fisherman, however, was
more crafty than the rebellious spirit and contrived to persuade him into
the bottle again-and as soon as he had him there safe he corked him
up and kept him there !
Since the liberation of certain misguided Fenians there has been a
good deal of vapouring ; and not a few threats have been uttered.
Well, all we can say is that next time Government get these ungrateful
spirits-consisting less of Irish potheen than of Bourbon whisky-
into the bottle, we hope they will keep it well corked.

THE Royal Academy Exhibition is exceptionally good this year, the
bad pictures being chiefly supplied by the R.A.'s themselves. But the
rejections are numerous-though SIR FAxNcis GRANT declared at the
Dinner that every accepted picture was hung. If so the difference between
the goodness that passed and-the badness that condemned must have been
providentially marked with a hard and fast line just at the limit of the
capacity of the new building. We fear SIR FRANcis threw an after-dinner
cotdeur de rose over the matter, for we are informed of cases in which
artists received varnishing orders and exhibitors' tickets-but whose
works were not on the walls when the Academy opened. We
hinted last year at a self-elected assistant Hanging Committee-can
this curious state of things be due to their interference ? At any rate
we are glad to hear that there is a movement afoot for a supplementary
Exhibition, for which-to borrow from the circular the poetic language
of the Secretary, MR. Moe THOMAs-" a noble and spacious suite of
rooms" has been secured in Bond street.

MEssRS. FULLER the originators of the Royal Albert Press, which is
under the patronage of the QUEEN and the PRINCESS ROYAL, have
always striven to further the employment of females in art-work. We
have had occasion more than once to mention their exhibitions of
illuminations by female artists; and we are glad to note that they
propose to open a Gallery in Russell-street for the exhibition of works
of art executed by females. Such a scheme is calculated, if well
carried out, to benefit many a struggling gentlewoman. The
regulations for exhibition and sale seem framed with a view to sparing
the feelings of the sensitive; and the long experience which MESSRS.
FULLER have had in this particular field will enable them to make
the experiment an effective and sound one.

Martin's Act.
THE duty of trying so many and so widely spread Election Petitions,
suggested to MR. BARON MARTIN, as we are informed, the ingenious
device of transporting his judicial robes in a winged wardrobe."
His Lordship has proved himself a very "bird of passage" ;-so
chilly indeed must some of his passages" have fallen upon a certain
portion of his hearers that we may almost term him a bird of North-
West Passage."

Please, laugh!
WHY are the porters at London Bridge station too familiar ?
Because they offer you a grin-each (Greenwich) train.
N.B. We insert this merely to shame a contributor, who had the
audacity to offer it to us, after a long whitebait dinner.

A- COMPLICATED ONE.
WHiy is the chiming of bells to church like a broken-winded horse ?
Because it's a case of bell us to mend!


[MAY 15, 1869.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 114.
A YOUNG LAD is travelling there in the isle,
Where Nature's endowed with an emerald smile ;
He wins much approval wherever he goes,
From friends, and inspires England's Fenian foes
With fears that the loyalty shown will declare
They'd better for utter extinction prepare.
1.-A rosy wee ball with the reddest of lips
Peeping out where the dimple deliciously dips,
A small voice that uttered one word, while a kiss
Followed after the speech when the voice had named this.
2.-You must have heard it at a country fair,
You must have heard it at a public meeting,
You must have heard it ere the waves prepare
To give the silver strand their usual greeting.
3.-It came and it vanished and then came again,
With fever and aching and pestilent pain,
And when it came back all the doctors exclaimed,
Because of its habits it thus shall be named.
4.-How blest was he who 'mid the tempest's night,
First saw a wonderful prismatic sight:
A promise 'mid the thunder calmly given,
That ne'er again the clouds should so be riven.
6.-I went to the doctor
Who cautiously said,
A careful concocter
Of drugs, Go to bed,
And I'll send a mixture
Astringent and strong,
'Twill keep you a fixture,
But not for so long."
6.-I tried to guess a riddle, but alas!
I found myself at guessing quite an ass,
Each answer that I tried I found to be
This only, to my sore perplexity.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 112.-Loie, Site: Lass, Odi, West,
Eyrie.
CORRECT SOLaIINS OF ACROSTIC No. 112, RECEIVED MAY 5th.-Derfla and Yeul;
Ruby's Ghost; Oun; Nell and Louie; Sapientes; Diggory Dibble; D. E. H; H. B.


TURNING OVER NEW LEAVES..
WE have received the first volume of The London, new series. We
are sorry to see that the title does not clearly indicate that it is the
half-yearly volume of the magazine. The dodge, resorted to by
smart publishers, of calling magazine volumes, "annuals" and
"collections" is unworthy of the management of this excellent
periodical. As regards its contents we can only repeat the approval
we have given to the numbers as they appeared.
A selection from The Early Poems and Sketches of Thomas Hood,
edited by his daughter, has been issued by MESSES. MoxoN. It is an
interesting little volume for the student, and an amusing one for the
general reader, and low enough in price to compete with the cheap and
unauthorized editions put forth by those sharp practitioners whom
HOOD himself so aptly designated "The Book-aneers."
MESSRS. TRUBNER havepublished a second edition of Hans Breitmann's
Christmas. The German philosopher would seem to be achieving a
rapid popularity in this country : and we are glad to find that we were
wrong in supposing the dialect would be a bar to his popularity.
It is pleasant to learn that no impediment of the kind can bar the
appreciation of genuine humour. John Bull recognizes a brother in
any man who displays a capacity for that; just as old BREITMANN was
convinced of the identity of his own son by his capacity for lager beer.

Make Tracks!
WE respectfully, but firmly decline to credit the statement of a
late tourist in the Nile district to the effect that he had seen, not only
the traces of Crocodile on the river banks, but also the Prints of
Whales!

A STRAIGHT TIP FOR THE DERBY.-A pretender will win.
[We don't know anything about racing, but as this does not look like
a joke, we insert it in the hope that it may be a prophecy.-Ed.]

A CAILCUATION (by one who has tried a bicycle, and failed).-Twc
wheels are frequently equivalent to one woe-if you can't stop 'em I






F UJ iUN.-MAY 15, 1869.


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CORK OUT.

"*HAST THOU ALREADY FORGOTTEN THAT I HAVE SET THEE AT LIBERTY?' ASKED THE FISHERMAN; 'AND IS IT THUS THOU DOST
RECOMPENSE ME FOR THE GOOD SERVICE I HAVE DONE THEE ?' I CANNOT TREAT THEE OTHERWISE,' SAID THE GENIE; 'AND TO CONVINCE
THEE OF IT, ATTEND TO MY HISTORY. I AM ONE OF THOSE SPIRITS THAT REBELLED.' "-The Arabian Nights.


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MA 15, 1869.]


FU N.


LIFE IN LODGINGS.

XVII.-LODGERS (continued).
C -URELY," observed the artist who has so ably seconded the
writer of this series, surely, you won't think of taking down
the bill of Lodgings' till you have visited the Zoo-lodging-cal
3 Gardens!"
The hint-and a Hansom-were at once taken. The weather-and
eighteen-pence-were fair, and fare alike. In a few minutes we were
traversing the terrace beneath which the fiercer carnivora have their
dwelling.
Here be lodgers in every variety, good, bad, and indifferent;
respectable, humble, and predacious; sociable and moody; irritable
and resigned. Their requirements, exclusive of eating and drinking,
are not many. They don't, except in the case (not the packing-case)
of the elephant, bring much luggage with them. The Polar bear
takes his tub, and the brown bear wants a gymnasium. The monkeys
require one, too. They reside chiefly in boarding-houses, and quarrel
and pick one another to pieces just as human boarders do.
They are strangely like human lodgers these wild beast lodgers, for
whom Mil. BARTLETT is the kindly Bouncer, who has to accommodate
the tastes of the Boxes and Coxes of the
animal kingdom-the beasts of prey,
who are up all night, like printers-and
the ruminating animals, who are on the
move in the day, like hatters.
Yes, they are of all sorts of trades and
professions, just like mankind. Come
here! In that den you observe an actor
who will shortly take a tour in the pro-
vinces. He made his ddbit in town, but
the sapient magistrates of Brentford were
shocked (like the Loan CHAHMIERLAIN)
at the bear idea, and would not license the
performance. They had an omnibus and
some difficulty in getting him to these
lodgings. His manager and acting
manager are in durance vile elsewhere.
The humble super who acts subordinate
parts with him is that wolfish looking
dog in the corner. They agree very
well, and Bruin was trained -to the pro-
fession by kindness not cruelty, so that it
hf is not very clear why the Brentford Dog-
Ss berries had this magisterial bear-baiting.
Bruin is not a bad actor in his particular
line. Tragedy is not his forte, but he is good in pantomime, or even
ballet.
Those two leopards yonder are professionals, too. As you see them
leaping over one another's back so gracefully and easily you can't
help wondering why they
don't wear spangled fillets ,
and baggy tights, and kiss
their hands to us. They are i!
the very embodiment of peri- |ii
pathetic acrobats-save that l
the police make the latter i,
change their spots sometimes.
Look at the lion, now Did
you ever see that British lion
ATERFAMILIAS more -clearly
portrayed ? He has just done
dinner, and is amiable on the
memory of shin of beef. He
is dozing comfortably, with
his favourite journal over his
nose to keep the flies away.
Of course, that journal is FUN-you should hear him roar over its pages!
He looks quiet and good-tempered enough; nevertheless, I would not
Bother him if I were you.
If that tall, thin, yellow
S gentleman, with the hollow
cheek and a quid in it, goes
on poking at the animal,
and shouting out something
about "the old cnss's apoloe dames.-
gising," he is likely to catch
it directly-and serve him

This is the cassowary.
Gaze at it, and then hide your
anything but diminished
heads, ye fashionable dames.


You thought when you invented chignons you had found out a
novelty Bless you, the cassowary wore one when first man sot eyes
on her. Observe the tie, with the long ends, on her neck. Note the
high heels on which she trips about so daintily. Do not overlook the
fact that her dress is in the latest fashion, with that modern sort of
preposterous bustle that we imitate from the French. In one respect,
the cassowary is your superior. Although her complexion is like
a purple kid glove in texture and colour, she never thinks of going to
RACHEL to be enamelled.
Yonder is a number of pelicans. Don't they look like old washer-
women ? And the crowned cranes, with their dancing gait, do they
not resemble the demoiselles from whom they take their name.
There's the auk, the very image of the fat boy in Pickwick.
It is an odd thing, but I recognize several of DiCKENS's characters
in the Gardens. In the Parrot House you will find Quilp. In his
bird-form, he is spoken of as CuvIER's Podargus-
one of the strangest of feathered creatures. His
head is quite two-thirds of him, and its fierce,
eagle-like look is ridiculous compared with the
stunted body it surmounts. He has large eyes-
and, oh, such a mouth! It is so big that it opens
down to his waist. Indeed, it says much for the
sagacity of animals that when lie yawns he doesn't
tumble through his own beak. Poor wretch, hlie
cannot possibly know what it is to have a mouth-
ful of food-if he filled his mouth, his stomach
would not find accommodation for the food. I can
best describe the relative proportions of his mouth
and body by comparing him to the portico of the
Euston-squaro station leading into a sentry box.
I cannot help thinking it is an oversight of MR.
BARTLETT'S to put this deformed little crea-
ture in the Parrot House. Parrots will talk,
,, and it is to be feared their remarks must
often be very painful to him.
Hero you are among your poor relations.
It only wants a bright Bandanna handker-
chief, a short pipe, and an apple stall, or
orange basket, to convert the chimpanzee
S yonder into BIDDY FLANNIGAN. When the
keeper stirs it up and makes it come out of
its hutch and show itself to the visitors,
there's an expression on its face, as it turns
i towards him, that says as plain as words,
"Ah, bedad, you come down our coort, thin,
and see what ye'll be after getting' !"
This grave little gentleman, the capuchin,
ghas something of the ecclesiastic about him.
SHe has a careworn expression, and wears
many a wrinkle; and he moves about in a
melancholy, noiseless way. Observe how quietly
he abstracts that nut from his neighbour's store
-and now, see, another attempts to stempts to steal from ,
him, whereupon he sets up a shrill and prolonged
chattering, as if he were delivering a discourse
on the wickedness of coveting others' goods and f
the sin of stealing. He could not have done it
better if he had been a man,
We have not half exhausted the Gardens yet.
There are the llamas, who might be supposed to
come from the States instead of South America
they have such a pleasant way of expectorating. i
There's the hippopotamus, too, whom I never see t
with that perpetual grin on his face without being
reminded of little SYermt, the funny man you
meet at all the evening parties. It is only the
beast's grin-not his size-that recalls SYMPER.
Our SYMrPER is diminutive. Why do the funny
men of evening parties never run above three foot
eleven and a half ? Then there's the reptile house, the very atmosphere
of which reminds you of the Court of Chancery. Then there are the
statesmen in the eagle aviary, and the philosophers in the owl aviary
in which I can point you out one bird who I know has the Differential
Calculus in his gizzard. Then there are those cowlike antelopes, the
elands, that remind one oof the fat young ladies at evening parties who
don't dance, and like being taken down to supper. But we must bring
our visit to a close, having merely mentioned a few of the inhabitants
of the Zoo-lodging-cal Gardens, in which we are sure there are many
more who will be glad to receive a call-in fact, the residents in the
bear-pit have authorised us to say they will be delighted to see you
all, if you will drop in-and you can take the children with you.

To SUIT THOSE op AN ECHO-NOMICAL nuaw.-The cheapest evening
newspaper.








102 F U N. [M 15, 1869.


,THE R.A.'S AT BURLINGTON HOUSE.
BY OUR CANDID CRITIC.
THE Exhibition of the Royal Academy this season is the best in
every respect that we have seen for years. The rooms are light, and
the walls a good colour. And there are no pictures stuck on the floor
and hung on the cornice. Such improvements are likely to stamp out
entirely a disease that has long prevailed, The Royal Academy
head-ache."
The art as a whole is very much in advance of that of past exhibitions.
To say that there are no bad pictures there would be tantamount to
saying that two-thirds of the R.A.'s were not exhibitors-a contin-
gency more desirable than probable. For my part I can't see why -
now that they are talking of allowing bishops to retire at a certain
age-they should not make a similar arrangement for the elder R.A.'s.
Their reputation would be saved from tarnish, and the exhibitions
would be vastly improved. To those of us who remember CRESWICK'S
prime, it is a real suffering to see such a picture as Sunshine and


thing to provide a refreshment room, and a wiser in securing MESSRS.
SPIERS AND POND, caterers, whom the public have long tried, and not
found wanting.
I also congratulate them on the courage of the confession of past
faults, which a glance at MR. SANDY'S Medea," rejected laat year,
must make plain to the meanest comprehension. Such a picture could
only have been rejected from motives, into which, after repentance like
this, we will not closely inquire. And now for a hasty word as we run
through the rooms. POTT'S "Fire," clever. HEMY's "Canal-boat,"
true. BARWES'S "Last Rose," simply exquisite. LANDSEER'S "Lions,"
make Trafalgar-square a mystery. OAKES'S "Early Spring," clever.
"God's Acre," by CALTHORP, full of feeling. WATTS's "Return of the
Dove," dirty, considering the deluge of water. STONE'S "Princess
Elizabeth," very good, but why make MR. FIELD TALFOURD a French
ambassador ? LEADER'S landscapes, of course, fine. FAED'S pictures
natural and touching; but where does he get the wretched verses he-
quotes? ARCHER's "Against Cornwall," admirable. MILLAIs's
"Gambler's Wife," and OncHAnxsoN's "Duke's Antechamber," good.


Showers." Could not MESSRS. COPE, COOPER, HART, JONES, LEE,
REDGRAVE, and PICKERSGILL be put on retiring honours, or at least
be limited to a couple of canvases or so ? And I'm not sure that MR.
WARD and one or two more might not join them with advantage. At
any rate the Hanging Committee should be empowered to sky them.
Apropos of skying, let me pay a warm tribute of praise to the generous
modesty which has evidently influenced one of the hangers-I fear
only one. There is not a single picture of MR. LEIGHTOx'S on the
line, though they each and all deserve the best positions in the gallery.
There are far too many portraits in the Exhibition. Of course they
can't be turned out, for people would not have their portraits painted
if they were not to be exhibited. But they might have one room to
themselves, somewhere downstairs, and the Academy taking a hint
from MADAME TUSSAUD, might charge an extra sixpence for the Cham-
ber of Horrors. It would pay amazingly, for while it cleared the walls
for lovers of art, it would give that strange class of people that likes
to look at portraits an opportunity of indulging in the dissipation un-
disturbed. If there were such a room, Mu. O'NEIL'S teaboard of
Garrick Club caricatures should have its darkest corner.
I congratulate the Academicians on having at last come to the con-
clusion that because people will look at pictures they do not deserve to
be punished with insatiable hunger and thirst. They have done a wise


Then there are AnMITAGE'S Hero," COLE'S landscapes, and CooKE's
sea-scapes, and LANDSEER'S "Swannery." SANrT' pretty children, and
LEwis's wonderful "Intercepted Letter," Hoex's veritable snatches of
nature from Devon orchard and Cornish sea, HOUGrTON'S clever
"Swell of 1580," NICHOLL'S "Disputed Boundary," PATON'S "Cali-
ban," PETTIE'S "Gambler's Victim," WALxER'S Old Gate "-there
are a few to look at and admire. Then, don't miss HOLL's exquisite
picture, No. 210, and you may safely look up the works of TADEMA,
MASON, DAvis, TounnRER, POINTER, TOPHAM, and 0. J. LEwis. And
then I have not exhausted the list of good things -haven't touched on
water colours or sculpture-but I have come to my limit, and editors,
like facts, are stubborn things.


Jane, Cook, to Robert, Pleeceman.
TAKE, oh, take those lips away,
Now moustache and beard are worn;
In these eyes you make to-day
Of yourself a fright forlorn.
To my missus's again
Come not for cold meat-'tis vain!








MAT 15, 1869.]


FU


THE VELOCIPEDE.
THE Literature of this movement is at present in its infancy. And
yet it is necessary that the friends of the new vehicle should be able to
quote from the poets passages bearing on their favourite amusement.
For this object an ingenious gentleman is editing a selection from the
British Bards, .-the passages being carefully modified so as to bear on
the subject. We subjoin a specimen, from The Lay of the Last Minstrel,
by SI WALTER SCOTT :-
The ladye forgot her purpose high,
One moment and no more -
One moment gazed with a mother's eye
As she paused at the arched door,
Then from amid the armed train
She called to her William of Deloraine.
Sir William of Deloraine, good at need,
Mount thee on thy velocipede;
Spare not to spurt, nor stint to ride
Until thou come to fair Tweedside."

"Oh, swiftly can speed my velocipede
(She thinks that it's heavy it's clear),
Ere break of day," the warrior 'gan say,
Again I will be here."
Soon in his saddle sat he fast,
And down the steep descent he past,
As only a skilful rider can,
And soon by the Teviot side he ran.

In Hawick twinkled many a light,
Behind him soon they set in night;
As he rattled his two-wheeled machine
Beneath the tower of Hazeldean.

Nothing so very Strange !
THE Spiritualists make a great deal of fuss about what they call
"levitation," and count it a miracle that HUME has been floated in the
air. In our city experience we have seen humbugs just as notorious-
a joint stock company and a whole board of directors "floated "-and
as in the case of the Spiritualist, without any visible means of support.
As for the writing of names on pieces of paper, which the Spiritualists
seem to think so wonderful-ask any magistrate and he will tell you
it is not, unfortunately, very uncommon.

Not a-count-able.
WE thought the snob was a specially London pest. .But Pesth in
Hungaly has lately been visited by him-a German version by a COUNT
ESTERHAZY with hazy notions of the duty of a gentleman. This
Count of small account went to the Opera with a companion, with
whom he conversed in loud tones and with horse-or ass-laughter
during the performance. The Captain of the City, CAPTAIN THAS
had at last to threaten to remove him by force ; whereon the snob
withdrew, and was fined two hundred florins next day. We commend
the case to Acting Managers who often have similar cases to deal with.
There may be a similar remedy for the nuisance in English law.

Very Natural History.
A PROvINCIAL PAPER the other day, in speaking of the arrival of the
swallows, indulged in the following curiosity of natural history:-
The swallow, as is well-known, spends the whole year in England, but flies to
warmer climes at the approach of winter.
If the swallow spends the whole year 'in England, but goes elsewhere
in winter, he must be the bird SIR BOYLE ROCHE had in his eye. At
any rate his mode of spending the winter should be described, to dis-
tinguish it from hybernating, as Hibernianating.

Aiming at High Game.
EVER to tha fore with some instructive novelty, PROFESSOn PEPPER
is now exhibiting at the Royal Polytechnic his "Great Induction
Coil," proving that he is determined to be, in this branch of science,
"Aut Sea-&Sr(-pent) aut nullus."

A Great Oversight.
IT is very strange that during the whole controversy about "musical
pitch" no one should have thought of consulting the best authorities
on the subject-the PYNES.

A RARE EDITION.-With the majority of literary productions-the
second.


]s 103


CHATS ON THE MAGS.
MAY.
Temple Bar commences with a new novel by the authoress of
"Cometh up as a Flower." At present it shows no signs of the
animalism that has tainted the writer's previous stories, but it is
slovenly, unfeminine, and vulgar in tone, though by no means without
merit. "Poetry of the Period," though very severe on the Poet
Laureate, contains much that is true. Madame Euphrosine's Thurs-
days" is clever-indeed the whole number is above the average in
merit.
THE Argosy contains a capital ghost story, "A Curious Story;" but
"Johnny Ludlow" is hardly up to the mark this month. The illustra-
tion is chiefly remarkable because Gerald Yorke's feet-or at any rate
one of them-must have been treated on the Chinese plan, it is so
miraculously small.
Good Words for te Young is excellent as ever. There is not a skip-
able page in the number, and it is hard to say where all is so good
which is the best; but we incline to think MR. HENRY KINGSLEY'S
"Boy in Grey will be as popular as anything with the youngsters.
Kettledrum is capital this month. In July it is to appear with a new
title, Now-a-days, which is an improvement on the present. We wish
it all success, for it is an excellent magazine and true to its objects.
Under the Crown maintains a high average. Though the names of
the writers are for the most part new, the contents of the number are
eminently readable and amusing.
London Society is not very strong in its art this month, but it makes up
for it by being extra good in its verse, with the exception of Under the \
Chesnuts which has an awkward limp here and there. But Who
Wins '" is an excellent example of vers de society. A Model Market"
is interesting, and pays a deserved tribute to the practical benevolence
of Miss BURDETT COUTTS. We should like Musings among the
Photographs" better if the author, who calls TENNYSON, BROWNINO
and CARLYLE his literary friends, had not made such a stranger of
Tom MOORE as to attribute his lines-
The moan looks on many brooks
The brook sees but one moon,
to an American author !
IN St Paul's we have thethe close of MR. TROLLOPE'S novel, an instalment
of "The Sacristan's Household," and a capital batch of papers far
too good to be called "padding." "My Ideal" is musical in expres-
sion and pleasing in fancy. MR. MILLAIS'S illustration is anything
but flattering to "Mary Flood Jones "-enough to justify Phineas
Finn's inviting the artist over to the coast of Flanders.

,usfav fa to a ynkst.
[ We cannot return unaccepted tSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
C. S. (Coleman-street).-We have heard something very like that before;
so it is more suitable for the Echo than us.
PERCIVAL PODGER.-We print your poem, The Zoozoo," here, in order
to give the numerous correspondents, who find it so difficult to discover the
sort of thing we want, a sample of the sort of thing we don't want:-
To the Zoo you will go
If you have any sense-
It is the royal wild beast show,
On Monday 'tis sixpence.
The crocodiles you will see there
Likewise the monkeys too,
You'll also see the plar bear
When you go to the Zoo.
When you are there, just go and see
The hippopotamus,
You'll find him living with the
Elephant in the same house.
The lions and the tigers too
Reside under the terrace,
I would advise you them to view
When you are near the place.
This advice I have given to you,
And if now you are funkey,
I would certainly advise you
To live there as a monkey.
D. (Euston-road.)-Wo cannot see our way to doing so.
C. (Stanley-road.)-We cannot avail ourselves of your offer of services,
at present, thank you.
Pucx.-Are you sure you have not been robbing good fellows of the
Joe Miller order ?
TATOES (Pentonville-road.)-Be good enough to call for your "lucu-
brations "-didn't you mean St.-Luke's-ubrntions ?
Declined with thanks :-J.; A., Todmorden; Old Subscriber J. C,
York; H. W., Blackfriars-road: JH. E., Liverpool; J. G, Liverpool;
E. J. D., Russell-square; W. K., Northampton; H. T. R., Claremont-
square; J. D. H., Richmond; Henricus; S. D, Camberwell New-road;
Eliza; X. Z.; Pitbury Pet; F. S., Leeds; Knobbut; Hawk-eye; G. S.,
Camden Town; P., Bradford; L. B., Margate.








104 F U N. [MAY 15, 1869.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 69.-A WORM WILL TURN.

LOVE a man who'll smile and joke
When with misfortune crowned ;
,~ "Who'll pun beneath a pauper's yoke,
And as he breaks his daily toke,
Conundrums gay propound.
Just such a man was BERNARD JUPP,
He scoffed at Fortune's frown;
He gaily drained his bitter cup-
Though Fortune often threw him
up,
It never cast him down.
Though years their share of sorrow
bring,
We know that far above
All other griefs, are griefs that
spring
From some misfortune happening
To those we really love.
E'en sorrow for another's woe
Our BERNARD failed to quell;
Though by this special form of blow
No person ever suffered so,
Or bore his grief so well.
His father wealthy and well clad,
And owning house and park,
Lost every halfpenny he had,
And then became (extremely sad!)
A poor attorney's clerk.
All sons it surely would appal,
Except the passing meek,
To see a father lose his all,
And from an independence fall
To one pound ten a week!


But JunP shook off this sorrow's weight,
And like a Christian son,
Proved Poverty a happy fate-
Proved Wealth to be a devil's bait,
To lure poor sinners on.
With other sorrows BBmnxA u coped,
For sorrows came in packs ;
His cousins with their housemaids sloped-
His uncles died--his aunts eloped-
His sisters married blacks.


But BEiNAtD, far from numnuring,
(Exemplar, friends, to us)
Determined to his faith to cling,
He made the best of everything,
And argued softly thus :
"'Twere harsh my uncles' forging knack
Too rudely to condemn-
My aunts, repentant, may come back,
And blacks are nothing like as black
As people colour them! "
Still Fate, with many a sorrow rife,
Maintained relentless fight:
His grandmamma next lost her life,
Then died the mother of his wife,
But still he seemed all right.
His brother fond (the only link
To life, that bound him now)
One morning, overcome by drink,
He broke his leg (the right, I think)
In some disgraceful row.
But did my BERNARD swear and curse ?
Oh, no -to murmur loth,
He only said, Go, get a nurse,
Be thankful that it isn't worse;
You might have broken both! "
Bat worms who watch without concern
The cockchafer on thorns,
Or beetles smashed, themselves will turn
If, walking through the slippery fern,
You tread upon their corns.
And if when all the mischief's done
You watch their dying squirms,
And listen, ere their breath has run,
You'll hear them sigh Oh, clumsy one !"
And devil blame the worms.
One night, as BERNARD made his track
Through Brompton home to bed,
A footpad, with a vizor black,
Took watch and purse, and dealt a crack
On BERNARD's saint-like head.


It was too much-his spirit rose,
He looked extremely cross,
Men thought him steeled to mortal foes
But no-he bowed to countless blows,
But kicked against this loss.
He finally made up his mind,
UTpon his friends to call,
Subscription lists were largely signed,
For men were really glad to find
Him mortal, after all!


BOYS' SUITS, 16s.


TO 45s.


I \IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE OR MADE TO MEASURE.

SAMUEL BROTHERS, so, rUDCArTE Is..

Frinted by JUDD & GLASS, Phanix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E,C.-London : May 16, 1869.








MAY 22, 1869.]


FUN.


THE CROYDON RACE: A DEED OF TRUE HEROISM.
BY ONE THAT Dmn IT.
Sm,-In such times when everybody's got a stick that's good enough
to throw at a dog, by which I mean the police constables; not as I
put it to you, or any man, that they're to be so called, though fre-
quently suffering from such, as I was myself last summer, having my
hands that bit with taking of 'em to the greenyard, that they was
mostly a mask of corstick and diakylon, as prevented my holding of a
truncheon with that comfort that one ought to; but this is getting off
the beat. What I meant to say was, in times like these, when a con-
stable's word's as good as his oath, and sometimes a good deal better
than the oatheses of half a dozen men, according to which Court you
go to, and what magistrate, there's never a good word to say for us,
even when we're that active and intelligent that our own personal
safety's not worth mentioning, and the day before's joints, or the little
lux'ries that fell to some in the superior beats is mostly took away by
charitable collectors as begs broken meat for the poor, which is paid
for in the rates, just as we are ourselves by the parishingers, whether
mounted or otherwise, as the case may be, as by law purwided, which
I was myself at Croydon Races, where I was put a-horseback for to
keep clear the course from the lower order, many of which I kept
down by the power of eye that a man acquires in the force, and the
more obstropulous by backing against 'em and driving at 'em till they
knuckled under, and spoke civil, a-begging of my parden for incom-
moding my horse, by taking of their feet from under him when he
wanted to stand still. Now, sir, my duty were to keep that course
clear, and to watch the race, which was a thing I'd never seen before,
being mostly confined to the mettrypollyton district, where they aint
run. You may judge of my feelings, then, as a man, let alone as an
egseckative officer, when I see a regular rough lot in their shirt
sleeves, and not a coat amongst 'em, come tearing hareum skareumn
right along the course, and the fust and second a-layin' into their
'orses and sawing of their mouths that savage that if there'd been a
member of the Sosiety for the Perwention there they'd have found
themselves summoned in quick sticks. Now, what did I do, sir-with
the fear of being smashed,-I rode slap across the first chap and pulls
him up pretty sharp, pretty nigh countering horse and man over. The
second, he gives a yell, and slips by a-laughing. I'll make you
laugh t'other'side o' your mouth," says I, drawing my truncheon, as
in duty bound. When what should happen, but our inspector sends


me a message as I was wanted elsewhere. And so I don't get into the
newspapers after a deed of daring which-
Sir, there's a conspiracy agin me; would you believe that I'm to be
hauled over the coals because some low carackter has swore that I
stopped the winning horse, and what he calls fouled the race. I hear
as there's a paper called the Tissue, where any man that wants to
become a sporting party can learn all about it. I've sent out for the
last number, and rite herewith to the editor.-Yours,
A. COPPrr.

The Derby Difficulty.
THOUGH ev'n on Bell-though ev'n on Bell-
Adrum the betting-men should yell,
So doubtful is the race, that I'm
Uncertain what to back this time.
There's ev'n in Bell, there's ev'n in Bell
A hesitation to foretell,
In fact there's none can say which one
Will be the winner-'till it's run!

Pot and Kettle.
We like a Kettle that does its work without a deal of spout and
vapour. All honour then to Mn. RUPERT KETTLE -the Rupert of
the Debate between the employers and the employed at Manchester !
Thanks to his arbitrations, there will be neither lock-out nor strike;
and the wives and families of the workmen ought to be grateful to the
KETTLE that keeps the pot a-boiling.

Lights and Buoys.
THE other evening, during a speech on Light Dues," the President
of the Board of Trade seemed to get into a heavy mist, and broke
down. Of course he was speaking from information supplied by the
clerks of the Lights and Buoys Department at Somerset House, and
we suppose the boys did not throw enough light on the subject.

WHY must the Christy Minstrels at St. George's Hall surpass all
others in spirit ? Because they perform con A-Nimmo.


VOL,. IX.


103








106 [MAY 22, 1869.


HE FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, May 19th, 1869.
HE evidence of GoaLnwi SmITH completes the case against
America. There is a strong feeling against England, and Svu-M
NEn's speech was merely an expression of it. The "statesmen "
of America, as they call them, are mere mouthpieces of the mob,
and they follow-not lead-public opinion. If there were a cry for
the invasion of the moon, some statesman" would assuredly turn up
to advocate it, as a bid for popularity.
The American yelping and howling may lead to war. It is quite
possible the Americans don't mean that exactly. In fact, your noisy
dogs are not very often fighting dogs. But they may go on barking
and snapping till they can't go back. The British bulldog does not
waste his breath on clamour. He has gone as far as he intends to go.
He was not at all disinclined to be friendly, but the yelping pack
would not allow it. He curls his lip up in scorn-but it shows a set of
ugly grinders.
History repeats itself; and America is a young nation anxious to
make history. It wants another Bull's Run. It will be no less
calamitous than the first one, for if they make our thoroughbred bull
run, it will at their heels-and pretty close to them, even uncomfort-
ably so.
THE MAYOR OF CORK has made a virtue of necessity. He has dis-
sembled his love "-for O'FARRELLS and such would-be assassins-and
"kicked" himself "down-stairs" to save Parliament the trouble.
This is as it should be. An Act of Parliament all to himself would
have been more honour than a Mayoralty; and besides, when the 'coon
says, "Don't shoot, Colonel, I'll come down," it is a saving of powder
and shot. And we may be sure there is no necessity for more expense
than has been already incurred- a sum probably amounting to not less
than four or five hundred pounds.
The Mayor's little burst of after-dinner idiocy has cost the public a
pretty penny. Let us hope that as we have paid so much for his
"education," he will be benefited by it. After such a lesson he ought
to retire into private life a wiser and a butter-we beg pardon, better

Or course the Permissive Bill has been sent to the limbo of all
legislative millinery. Nobody quarrels with the good but incompetent
people who wish to put an everlasting bung in the barrel of that
beer, or those other alcoholic preparations which many love not wisely
but too well. But the reformers of drunkenness have too narrow an
outlook, and fail to see that moderation must not be punished because
excess is difficult to deal with. An amount of medical testimony,
which cannot be washed away by the oratorical flow of all the pumps
of Permissivedom, exists in favour of a moderate use of stimulant, as
one of the artificial results of that arch-artificialism, Civilization.
To deprive us of it, who use it well, because others abuse it, would be
very like depriving all mankind of their hands to prevent pocket-
picking. Sweeping measures are bad-they do injustice, they injure
the cause they should aid, and they spring either from ignorance or
from indolence, which will not take the trouble to deal with particular
cases, but wishes, like Nero, that all England had but one throat in
order to put a cork in it and have done with the bother,

The House of-Correction.
SOME papers seem very much amused at a contemporary which, by
a typographical error, announced the other day that a convicted thief
was sent for two months to "the House of Commons." We really
see little to laugh at. Considering the rate of progress on the Irish
Church question, we think that for some time it would have been
a very severe punishment to be sent to the House of Commons.
Pretty near it.
OeR philosopher says, that the abolition of the Irish Church is an
established fact," and that the Orangemen arc "a disestablished
faction."
Dramatic News..
THR evergreen farce of Box and Cox has been recently performed
with great success at Taunton, but the title was slightly modified: it
was SERJEANT Cox and the Wrong Box."


WHAT noble Russian family can never appear in full-dress ? The
Demi-dofs.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 115.
IT's open- and a splendid show
It has of clever works a-row-
The world its halls frequents,
And mid the crowd the eye oft falls
On what the vulgar public calls
Them colour-grindin' gents."
1.-Great qualities in him met are-
He wears a mighty scimetar-
His martial air is grim, "etar-
Nal grim," would Yankees vote,
A native he of Turkey is,
And his complexion murky is,
Though his expression smirky is,
This officer of note.
2.-This blade of Bailie Nicol Jarvie's
Saw (so Smt WALTER tells) some sarvice-
Though not ex armis snatched but arvis.
3.-It's hard to guess what 'tis :
Yet it still harder is!
4.-CASTOn and POLLux were two pretty twins,
The side which they favour the victory wins:
At least with that notion would history fill us
Reporting the contest near Lacus Regtllus.
5.-Though you talked till. you talked yourself red in the wattles,
You'd not teach me this treatise of old ARISTOTLE'S.
6.-In rigging this runs pretty rigs,
And oftentimes it feeds the pigs.
7.-When people say There's nought like leather,"
It is an error altogether;
For here's an article (see TOOKE),
Does-if not leather-like it look.
SOLUTION OF ACROSToC, No. 113.-Nursery, Gardens: Nag, Um-
brella, Rector, Shard, Embrace, Roan, Yarns.
CORRECT SOLUTrION Or ACROSTIO No. 113, RzECIVED 12th MAT.-Ring-Tailed
Roarer; Chudderton; Two Portobello Welters; Cider Eye; Knurr and Spell;
J. S. F.; Charlie and Mabel; Constance L. C.; L. A. C.; Bush Salmon; Old
Trafford; Thomas and Collings; J. 0. P.; Pipekop; Sutton; Stick-in-the-Mud;
Hanky Panky- Old Maid; Pimlico Tom Cat; Suffolk Dumpling; D. P. P.; Doddy;
Con; Nell and Louie; Bravo, Ned; Tom and Jim; D. E. H.; Thrte Didactic
Dodekahedrons Ruby's Ghost; Diggory Dibble; Linda Princess.

CHATS ABOUT MAGS.
MAY.
THE St. rTames's would do better, we doubt not, if it were not The
only Conservative Shilling Magazine," for magazine readers don't
want politics, of which they get enough in the daily penn'orth of news.
Besides, if magazines must be political, they should get their politics
done by men of superior mental calibre to MIR. CHARLEY, M.P. With
less party-spirit and improved cuts, the St. James's would stand high
among the periodicals, for it contains good writing and capital verse.
THE Cornhill contains the wind-up of Lettice Lisle," with whom
we part regretfully. MR. READE'S story is full of interest, though we
cannot help fancying it is unworthy of his artistic powers to make his
hero such an A TINous that all the women fall in love with him. Such
heroes occur in the first novels written by aspiring school-girls. A
paper on The Etruscans" will be found deserving of study.
IN Good Words we are treated to an admirable lecture by the REv.
CHARLES KINGSLEY, to be commended to the thoughtful perusal of our
womankind. Short Essays" are not calculated to add to the reputation
of the author of "Friends in Council," for they are written in a
querulous egotistical spirit. Peeps at the Far East" is full of interest;
and the pictures are good.
THE Young Ladies' Journal, with a tremendous quantity of "work"
supplement, sustains the high character we gave it last month. It is
not only cheap but good; and its illustrations might form a model for
higher-priced periodicals, while there is not a line of -it that might not
be safely read by any young girl.
We have to acknowledge the receipt of Ie 1o4ls, Scientifie Opinion,
The Naturalist's Notebook, Seience Gossip, and that most welcome
periodical just now, the Gardener's Magazine.

Embarrassing Position.
A GENTLEMA (a Commissioner of Income Tax) is a devoted astro-
nomical student. He is in doubt whether he will be justified in
making public some valuable information he possesses as tothe
probable return of a comet.

DImT oaL SH rs IBLD Ba.AEn.-Beef HaFlaw-mo le.









F J N.-MAY 22, 1869.


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ANOTHER BULL'S RUN,-SUBMITTED FOR A-MERRY-CUR'S CONSIDERATION.

"ONLY, GENTLE, I' YOU MAKE THIS BULL RUN, IT WILL BE AFTER YOU!"


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------------








FUN.


MISS MINUET.
H Minuet Maiden, your coy-
ness bewitching,
Those down-looking eyes,
and that very short
Q skirt,
Which you tantalize all of us

Are signs of a sad disposi-
tion to flirt.
For if it were not so, why
here, all in ruffles,
Is seen such a pretty fan-
tastical beau ?
With a sharp little sword to
protect him in scuf-

Which old-fashioned gen-
TYh tlemen fancied you
know.
Sweet Minuet Maiden, our grandmothers grumble,
Our manners are wormwood and gall to their sight,
Of decency, dirt, and decorum they mumble;
And ANOLD keeps preaching of sweetness and light !
With deference due to old age, often crazy,
Which mixes with wisdom a bushel of stuff,
Their morals were somehow decidedly hazy
In days of bad drainage, and duels, and snuff.
My Minuet Mwaid, though you dance so demurely,
That butter of course in your mouth couldn't melt,
The thrill of a look you've experienced surely,
The clasp of a hand on your waist you have felt.
When fortune in kindness a lover had sent you,
You didn't dismiss him in dudgeon, I hope,
Pray tell me did modesty ever prevent you
From just acquiescing in ladders of rope ?
Al! Minuet Maiden, strange stories come down to
These dissolute days of the galop and valse;
And history whispering owns, though you frown, to
Have known many grandmothers fickle and false.
Those runaway matches-so modest!-and duels
Well suited the steady conventional sort
Of women, who starved upon prices and gruels,
And men who got drunk upon magnums- of port.
Be that as it may you're decidedly winning,
Yes, both of you-lover as well as his lass-
For her dress we forgive the young maiden her sinning,
And also forgive the young courtier his glass!
Most maidens are very much given to flirting,
No matter what fashion or flow of its tide!
And, Minuet Maid, to old dresses reverting,
We find pretty much the same women inside!

All the Difference.
IN the course of recent legal proceedings wherein MR. WALKER, the
great sufferer by the Cornhill watch robbery, sought to obtain (we
regret to say- unsuccessfully) from the Corporation of London the
money found in possession of the burglars who had so extensively
robbed him, the Solicitor-General sarcastically remarked:-
THnE question their Lordsbips were a-ked to decide was whether they had power
(and he hoped it would not be considered an offence his saying so) to make the
Goy poration, of London disgorge.
Had the Corporation been requested not to dis-gorge-but to gorge-
neither legal proceedings nor the eloquent aid of the Solicitor-
General would have been required to secure their ready assent.

A Free Rendering.
A SPORTING correspondent wishes to know the meaning of iLjeu ne
vaut pas la chandelle. We have much pleasure in informing him that
it refers to the seizure of the Deptford Spec money by the police, and
means that after their little game it is not worth while to have a
farthing-dip in the Lucky Bag.

A Fell Proceeding.
SiNCE the beginning of May there has been a succession of Fell-onies
in the lake district of Westmoreland. On the falls of that region
first of all the wind fell, then the snow fell, next the rain fell, and last
the mercury fell.


111


TABLE-TIPS.
BY OUR STABLE-TURNING MEDIUM.
DEPRIVED of the services of old NICHOLAs by prosperous
circumstances over which we (and he) have no control, we have not
scrupled, by calling in the aid of Spiritualism, to seek the services of
his older namesake.
Yes, we have tried the spirits, and after the third bottle we have
elicited astounding results. Our medium-a circulating one which
turns tables-has made some astounding revelations that we hasten to
lay before the Dialectical Society and the public at large.
After a steady application to the Spirits our table began to tip-
which was just what we wanted. We obtained a rap, after having
been for some time without one; we heard strange noises, and by the
aid of the alphabet, with which our medium had a limited-
perhaps we should say, merely speaking acquaintance, we procured
the following information.
A sound resembling the tinkle of a bell was heard, followed by the
noise of a drum or some similar object beaten hollow. This was
followed by a single rap, constituting a negative. A strain of music
was next heard, like that of an accordion suspended in the air or of an
organ in the next street. The first few bats of "Sally, come up,
and Sally, come down," were played, and then a stick of the kind
frequently seen on racecourses was violently throw on the table.
We inquired, "Is this intended to indicate the Duke of"-" Beau
to a goose," responded the table rapping rapidly. The tune was then
changed to Not Sir Joe," and the music died away. Anxious to
obtain a direct reply, we asked Shall we back the favourito ?"
Answer, On no Pretence." Question, "Then a favourite will not
be the winner?" Answer, "The winner will be a favourite-after
the race!" Observation, "You are Merry!" Answer, "No, I'm
wise!" Question, Shall I make money on the Derby?" Answer,
"Not by landing the Spanish'! "
We then determnied to bring matters to a crisis, and inquired Who
will win the Derby ?" A Rank Outsider, was the answer. "What
rank outsider?" we asked. "In the first rank at the post." The
strains of music were here repeated. On our inquiring their meaning,
the spirits whose spelling throughout had been very questionable,
rapped out "Act accordionly!" We wished to press them further,
but they said they were exhausted, and a glance at the bottles proving
the truth of the assertion, we have sent out for more. Should the boy
return before we go to press, we will publish the result of our further
investigations.
LATER INTELLIGENCE.
A communication just received before the return of the boy.
Slightly unintelligible, but seems to mean Ether's outside."
Subsequently, as the boy rang at the area bell, Lad-has arrived" was
spelt out.

BLUSTER.
SONS of the land, whose meteor flag
Bears o'er the stripes the starry cluster!
Come, now's the time, my boys, for brag-
And bluster!
Be bold, Columbia's sons, be bold,
Guerilla, Rowdy, Filibuster-
Let trembling Britishers behold Your bluster.
Your bluster.
Your nation's arms, the bowic-blade,
The Derringer, the knuckle-duster,
Display as arguments in aid
Of bluster.
Come, German, full of lager beer!
Come, Fenian, come, to swell the muster!
We'll teach the Britisher to fear
Our bluster.
Tall talk is better far than deeds,
And o'er our nation flings a lustre;
Great grows the appetite that feeds
On bluster.
What is our grievance ? That's all right;
SUMNER declares it can't be juster.
We don't mean fighting, our delight
Is bluster!

Sheer Off!
"CUTTING down" is at an end so far as Deptford dockyard is
concerned-Even the shears" there are unemployed.

"DOUBLES and Quits"-as the Hare remarked to the Greyhound
when she popt into covert.


MAY 22, 1869.]








112 FUN.


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 70.-THE MYSTIC SALVAGEE.
D ERHAPS already you may
know
SIR BLENNERHASSET POR-
TWICo ?
'T A Captain in the Navy, he-
A Baronet and K.C.B.
You do? I thought so.
It was that captain's favourite
whim
(A notion not confined to
him)
That RODNEY was the greatest
tar
SWho ever wielded capstan
bar.
He had been taught so.
BENBOW CORNWALLIS HOOD Belay!
Compared with RODNEY "-he would say-
No other tar is worth a rap !
The great LoRD RODNEY was the chap
The French to polish!
Though, mind you, I respect LORD HOOD,
CORNWALLIS, too, was rather good;
BENBOW could enemies repel,
LORD NELSON, too, was pretty well-
That is, tol-lol-ish !"
SIR BIENNERHASSET spent his days
In learning RODNEY's little ways,
And closely imitated, too,
His mode of talking to his crew-
His port and paces.
An ancient tar he tried to catch
Who'd served in RODNEY'S famous batch;
But since his time, long years have fled,
And RODNEY'S tars are mostly dead:
BAieu fugaces !
But, after searching near and far,
At last he found an ancient tar
Who served with RODNEY and his crew
Against the French in 'eighty-two -
(That gained the peerage).
He gave him fifty pounds a-year,
His rum, his baccy, and his beer;
And had a comfortable den
Rigged up in what, by merchantmen,
Is called the steerage.


"Now, JASPER "-'twas that sailor's namo -
"Don't fear that you'll incur my blame
By saying, when it seems to you,
That there is anything I do
That RODNEY wouldn't."
The ancient sailor turned his quid,
Prepared to do as he was bid :
"Aye, aye, yer honour, to begin,
You've done away with shiftingg in'-
Well, sir, you shouldn't!
"Upon your spars I see you've clapped
Peak halliard blocks, all iron-capped.


I would not christen thl.t a crime,
But 'twas not done in RODNEY S time,
It looks half-witted!
Upon your maintop stay, I see,
You always clap a salvage;
Your stays, I see, are equalized-
No vessel, such as RODNEY prized,
Would thus be fitted!
"And RODNEY, honoured sir, would grin
To see you turning deadeyes in,
Not up, as in the ancient way,
But downwards, like a cutter's stay-
You didn't oughter;
Besides in seizing shrouds on board,
Breast backstays you have quite ignored-
Great RODNEY kept, unto the last,
Breast backstays on topgallant mast-
They make it taiuter."
Smi BLENNERHASSET shifted in,"
Turned deadeyes up, and lent a fin
To strip (as told by JASPER KNox)
The iron capping from his blocks,
Where there was any.
SIR BLENNERHASSET does away,
With salvagees from maintop stay;
And though it makes his sailors stare,
He rigs breast backstays everywhere-
In fact, too many.
One morning, when the saucy craft
Lay calmed, old JASPER toddled aft-
" My mind misgives me, sir, that we
Were wrong about that salvagee-
I should restore it."
"Good," said the captain, and that day
Restored it to the maintop stay.
Well-practised sailors often make
A much more serious mistake
And then ignore it.
Next day old JASPER came once more,
" I think, sir, I was right before."
Well, up the mast the sailors skipped,
The salvage was soon unshipped-
And all were merry.
Again a day, and JASPER came,
" I p'raps deserve your honour's blame,
I can't make up my mind," says he,
"About that cursed salvagee-
It's foolish-very.


"On Monday night I could have sworn
That maintop stay it should adorn,
On Tuesday morning I could swear
That salvage should not be there-
The knot's a rasper! "
"Oh, you be hanged," said CAPTAIN P.,
"Here, go ashore at Carribee.
Get out-good bye-shove off-all right!"
Old JASPER soon was out of sight-
Farewell old JASPER !


MAY 22, 1869.


[









MAY 22, 1869.]


FUN.


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
AT present the public and the stage exchange reproaches for the
rarity with which SHAKESPEARE is played, and the charge of want of
taste is bandied, by way of shuttlecock, from one to the other. It is
certainly true that managers may say that supply and demand balance
each other, and that SHAKESPEARB, commercially, does not pay; yet
we have GOETHE'S authority that the fault of a decline in taste rests
rather with the artists than the public. We, therefore, are glad to
see any movement towards rendering SHAxESPEARE intelligently. In
the fashionable season, the theatres are sealed to him, and single read-
ings would seem too incomplete and unrealistic for the public taste;
but, halfway between the book and the boards, there are other rep*e-
sentations, Costume Recitals," where portions of plays are given'by
several actors in stage dress. We have witnessed one lately at St.
George's Hall, under the direction of ME. RYDER.
The brunt of the P-f a e was borne by Miss BoumERIE, who
played in scenes from. -Asbeth, As You Like It, and King John. As
one qualification for Slakesperian parts, this lady has that most
agreeable of accident, great personal attractions ; but in essentials,
she possesses intelligence, and an appreciation of the poet, consider-
able play of feature, and gs~et power over a pleasing voice. In he
acting, there is much energy and passion, and all is controlled byfhee
results of careful teaching. When she has got rid of some mannerisms
and flaws of voice-in fact, when stody and practice have cured (as
they will do) her faults, and enhanced her merits, we hope for an:
actress worthy of interpreting a*-.author, whom to study and to leave
is a really liberal education.
We hope to see these recis 'eem6ined, and with success.

By the Lord Harrie !
WE see annomwlaIE 4 Romance of the Isle of Wight, entitled lord
Harrier and .LeitS. 'The following stanza is quoted in the advertise--
ment, we j esuma.for its superior merits :-
0 Isle of Wight! 0 Isle of Wight I
Thou home of beauty, land of song;
Lovely by day, serene by night,
Thy scenes to other climes belong.
Thbanst England's Eden-southern star-
Homef Lord Harrie and Leila
(See page 173.)
If our surmise is right, and the sample is a picked one, the general
quality of the poem must be high! When we find star put as
a rhyme to "Leila," we are inclined to think such cockney rhymes
belong rather to a Romance of the Isle of Wight-chapel!"

Universal Genius.
HERE is a most ubiquitous musician!
AR ...... EA., TEACHES the PIANO at Clapham, Brixton, Balham, &c.,
and all [parts of London, at his own residence. Terms moderate. Highest
references. "
Any terms must be moderate, and no references could be too high, for
a gentleman who can teach the piano in all parts of London (not to
descend to such small particulars as Clapham, Brixton, Balham, or
even, &c.) and yet in his own residence. Why, he must live all over
London and the suburbs! Does he carry his residence-in the shape
of a barrel organ- snail-like on his back?

A TIP-TOP TIP.
(Show 'us a bettor!)
I rANCY you may safely say,
From odds-against him laid:
Who plunges on Cophetua"
Will be a beggar made."

The Latest Atrocity from Botany Bay.
A SHARESPERIAN scholar, whose wife rather prides herself on-having
one of those earthenware hedgehogs filled with bulbs of blue scilla,
horrified her the other day by describing it as a case of squills upon
the fretfil porcupine."
[The point of this joke may be lost on those who are not aware
that "the blue bell" of sentimental youth is identical with the syrup-
titious squills" of unromantic boyhood.-ED:]

An au-dash-us Joke.'
WE know a. lady, who is so fond 'of under-scoring things in her
letters, that she even dashes her wig at times-we beg pardon, her
chignon.
A Perpetual Supply.
"Fire," says the proverb, "is a good servant," we would add "Water
is one that should never be turned-off."



A DIALOGUE.
SAID JONATHAN to JOHN,
"Down your marrowbone upon,
Confess thabyou've no honour and no honesty--ono .
Yield your purse without a fuss--
And cede Canada to us-
Ani 111 think about forgiving you for all you haven't dae!"
Said JOHN to JONATHAN,
It never was my plan
To tradrle to a braggart, or to tremble at a threat.
I shan't give up my gold,
And Canada I'll hold,
Anrfor what I haven't done I never have asked-parln yet!"'
Said JONATHAN to JOHN,
1" You'll repent of this anon,
How dare yen use such language to a chap as big as me?
For I'll whip you all, that's At-
Knock you into a cocked hat,
Andmy w=yshall go forth and sweep your commerce fromn he sea!',
Said JoHs to JoNATnAw,
*All verywell, my man,
But weiect baefae indulging in such mighty threats as these,
That all your men-of-war
Were not sufficient for
The sweeping of the little Alabama from the seas! "

A Rommidbout Pper.
Irs not his advanasement from a 'Sffidi paIer rather a ease of
circumlocution ?
TO be SOLD, Five DaOez PIGEONS, and aWOMNIBUS to carry Twelve Persons,
in,'good repair.-A-pply, Ae.
Surely the "sale of an omnibuS. and a number of flies might have
been more briefly set forth!

Tree-mendously Fir-fetched !
THERE is in Hyde Park a variety of the Stone Pine," which has
as yet received little attention from arboriculturists, but is well known
in the locality as the Marble Larch.

A Classical Con.
For the use of the Ladies' College.
WHY is that, which is useful and pleasant as well,
Like you, as you Time's languid pulse eye
"While your lover is absent 1 What, cannot you tell P
Because, dear, you, till he come, dull sigh utilee cum dulci]!



[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope ; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.)
AN ALARMED MOKE.-Don't you know the use of commas ? You must
be un-comman ignorant if you don't!
R. F. H. (Bridgwater).-Conception better than execution, and so con-
demned.
W. (Idol-lane).-Would your pen had lain idle.
A. C. W. (Oxford).-The lines have been parodied ad nauseam.
H. G. (Dalston).-If you are open to well-meant advice, let your "first
attempt" be your last also.
A. J. (Harewood-street).-Not quite enough in it.
LEXICON sends us a parody, and says, some of the strokes are capital."
We see less of the capital than of the base in them.
N. A. W. (Borough).-We cannot make the subject available, though it
is funny enough.
T. J. W. (Clerkenwell).-We must meet the wishes of the public in these
matters.
S. K.-Your letter is as unintelligible as the talk of an S. K-apedl
lunatic.
JACK TAR.-We may do it some of these days.
AnRi CHAIa.-You deserve to be sat on for your vulgarity.
PERO GOMEZ.-YOu are a Don-
W. C. M. (Dublin).-No, thank you. What shall we do with your
drawing ?
Declined with thanks :-W. W., Birkenhead; F. B. A., Hull;" H. R.,
Liverpool; E. S. F.; M. H.; W. T. M.; R. E. P.; E. F. A.; J.W. B.;
J. H., Belfast; P. B., Fore-street; D. 0. B., Plymouth ; Cocky; T. G. B.,
Brighton; H. A. F., Strand; Upupa; J. F.; G. B., Southsea; J. H. S.,
Portland-street; A. J., Euston-road; J. H. W., Essex-street; B., Dun-
garvan; H, Dublin; Dan; Pun; Tom Crane; P., Mincing-lane; T.,
Liverpool; M. W. W., Manchester; Corkles; The Sugar-baker; R. G.,
Dbodah; S. S., Dalston.








114 FFU N [MAY 22, 1869.


DRESSING THE RANKS.
Contemplative Coaster :-" Now THEN, MY LADS, MIND YOU DON'T HAVE THE LORD CHAMBERL'IN DOWN ON YE 1"


Literary and Scientific Meetings.
THIS DAY.-Zoological, at 8.-" The Parotid Gland and its Connec-
tion with the Imitative Powers of Birds," DR. McAwE. Geographical,
at 8.30.-" PORTLAND BILL, with some Remarks on His Conduct while
there," MI. WARDER. Literary, at 8.-" ToPEr's Phill-up-sophy,"
PRoFEssoR DRINKWATER.
THURSDAY.-ROyal Institution, at 3.-" Solar Gas-tronomy, with a
view to the Illumination of the Streets by Sun-burners," PRnoEssOR
LAMPLYTER. Ethnological, at 8.-" Natives of Whitstable," Mn.
OPENHEIM.
FaRiAY.-Zoological, at 8.-" The Bearings of the North Pole, with
Suggestions for a Supply of Buns on Sticks," DR. BREWIN. Geological,
at 8.-" The Skin of the Flint, and How to Remove It," PROFESsoR
O'SHABBINESS.
SATURDAY.- Society of Arts, at 2.-" The Influence of Perspective
on Tooth-Drawing," Mn. WRENCH.
MONDAY.-Horticultural, at 8.30.-" On the Filling of Pits in Hot
Weather," GENERAL OARDERS. Statistical, at 8.-" Import Duties,
and How to Do Them," MR. SMUGGLE.
TUESDAY.-Microscopical, at 8.-" Duplex Vision, and the Effects of
an Extra Glass," DR. SCREWTINERE. Archaeological, at 8.30.-" The
Age of Maiden Aunt-iquities," by PorFESson OLDKNOWS.

OH HOW I'LL WEAVE MY SPELLS."
SOMETHING Hiqgs-traordinary: Recent proceedings at the office of
the Great Central Gas Consumers' Company.


"The Mair's the Pity."
The only ghost of an excuse or palliation urged by any one for the Mayor was
urged by Mr Maguire. and what he had to say only amounted to a charitable
sunposition that the Mayor must have been arunk at the time when he spoke
of O'FARRELL as he did.-Saturday review. .
'TwAs at no flow of soul or feast of reason,"
But glut of whiskey, play of knives and forks crude,
The Mayor of Cork was drawn-out to talk treason-
And being Cork-drawn-out, of course was Cork-screwed.

A Distressing Case.
HERE is a poser for the philanthropists: -
The Governor of the Bahamas reports that "The diminution in the number and
valuation of wrecks has deprived numbers of their former sources of employment
and profit."
We have heard of a village so peaceful that the local lawyer became a
bankrupt; and of districts so healthy that the doctors couldn't live.
These were hard cases enough to see a remedy for, but what is to be
done for those worthy people at the Bahamas who are deprived of their
work and profit, because selfish captains won't wreck their ships and
drown their crews ?

A Sporting Note.
A CORRESPONDENT wishes to know whether, supposing an outsider
should win the- Derby, any one drawing Bosworth in a sweepstake
would be entitled to the stakes on the ground that he had "the field."


SUITS FOR ALL OCCASIONS, 42s. TO 114s.

IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.


SAMUEL BROTHERS,


50, L-UDG-ATE


fILT-ia.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS Phwenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dectorts Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, B.C.-London: May 22, 1869.








MAY 29, 1869.]


FUN


THE BAB BALLADS.

No. 71.-EMILY, JOHN, JAMES, AND I.
A DERBY LEGEND.
1 MILY JANE tWe a
nursery maid-
Life Guard,
JoHN was a constable,
poorly paid,
(And I am a doggrbl
N- bard).
A very good girl was
EMILY JANE,
JIMMY was good and true,
JOHN was a very good man in the main
(And I am a good man too).
Rivals fdr EMMIE were JOHNNY and JAMES,
Though EMILY liked them both,
She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims
(And I couldn't take my oath).
But sooner or later you're certain to find
Your sentiments caii't lie hid-
JANE thought it was time that she made up her mind
(And I think it was time she did).
Said JA-kt with a smirk, and a blush on her face,
'a I prdioise to wed the boy
'Who tak-s the to-moriro to Epsom Race! "
(01hkh Iwould have done, with joy).
From JoiNrY escaped an expression of pain,
But JIMMY said, Done with you!
I'll take you with pleasure, my EMILY JANE !
(And I would have said so, too).
JOHN lay on the ground, and he roared like mad-
(For JOHNNY was sore perplexed)
And he kicked very hard at a very small lad
(Which I often do, when vexed).
For JOHN was on duty next day with the Force,
To punish all Epsom crimes;
Young people will cross when they're clearing the course
(I do it myself, sometimes).

The Derby day sun glittered gaily on cads,
On maidens with gamboge hair,
On sharpers and pickpockets, swindlers and pads-
(For I, with my harp, was there).
And JIMMY went down with his JANE that day,
And JOHN, by the collar or nape,
Seized everybody-who came in his way
(And I had a narrow escape).
He noticed his EMILY JANE with JIM,
And envied the well-made elf-
And people remarked that he muttered "oh, dim !"
(I often say dim! myself).
JoHN dogged them all day, without asking their leaves ;
For his sergeant he told, aside,
That JIMMY and JANE were notorious thieves
(And I think he was justified).
But JAMES wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork,
And JENNY would blush with shame
At stealing so much as a bottle or cork
(A bottle I think fair game).
But, ah, there's another more serious crime!
They wickedly strayed upon
The course, at a critical moment of time
(I pointed them out to JOHN).
The crusher came down on the pair in a crack-
And then with a demon smile,
Let JENNY cross over, but sent JIMMY back
(I played on my harp the while).
Stern JOHNNY, their agony loud derides
With a very triumphant sneer-


They weep and they wail from the opposite sides
(And I shed a silent tear).
And JENNY is crying away like mad,
And JIMMY is swearing hard;
And JOHNNY is looking uncommonly glad
(And I am a doggrel bard).
But JIMMY he ventured on crossing again,
The scene of our Isthmian Games -
JOHN caught him and collared him, giving him pain
(I felt very much for JAMES).
JOHN led him away with a victor's hand,
And JIMMY was shortly seen
In the station-house under the grand Granl1 Stand
(As many a time l've been).














And JIMMY, bad boy, was imprisoned for life,
Though EMILY pleaded hard;
And JOHNNY had EMILY JANE to wife
(And I am a doggrel bard).


A Double Event.
WE have pleasure in announcing that on May the 31st Mn. SM.ALE,
Treasurer of the Princess's Theatre, and MR. BUCKLEY, the Box Book-
keeper of the Olympic take their benefits at their respective theatres.
They are heavily backed by the two companies, and we trust the
public will put on a pot for them.

Turf Nomenclature.
TURFITES are not so devoid of a superior cleverness to mere
cuteness, as their satirists would suggest. He was a wit who chris-
tened a horse that ran at Bath last week-" Champagne Charlie by
The Dupe out of Clicquot."

Ducks and Geese.
MUCH has been said in favour of eider 'down beds, on account of
the quality of the down of the eider duck. But give us Epsom Down
beds, on account of the quantity of geese plucked there I

Financial Notes;
A "CAPITAL AcCOUNT."-Leave to draw ad lib. on the Bank of
England.
PIOFIT AND Loss.-Putting the pot on, as advised by the tipsters.


VOL. Ix. t


115







11 F SU N.


[MAY 29, 1869.


Th,2 -~==~ -


"I,,


AFTER THE RACE.
" We have every reason to believe that Velocipedes will be very prevalent among the crowd on Epsom Downs."-EVENING PAPER.


THE GREAT COMIQUEI
A'" E patrons of the music-hall,
Your countenance I seek.
Though my ability is small,
I have a deal of cheek:
And that is why
From sympathy
Your countenance I seek-
So please to laugh,
S For that's my chaff-
I am a great Comindque !
My voice is middling, I must own,
Between a grunt and squeak.
It's hoarse-ish in its lower tone;
Its upper notes are weak;i
And that is why
From sympathy
Your voices I would seek-
So please to laugh
For that's my chaff-
I am a great Comique!
My taste in dress is rather fast-
So loud, it ought to shriek!
My coats and vests can't be surpast,
My trousers are unique;
And that is why
From sympathy
To suit your taste I seek-
So please to laugh
For that's my chaff-
SI am a great Comique I
My wit is of the dullest kind-
With slang my ditties reek.
I'm not much troubled with a
mind-
All thanks to Nature's freak.


And that is why
From sympathy
To be to yours I seek-
So please to laugh
For that's my chaff-
I am a great Comique !

CHATS ON THE MAGS.
MAY.
THE Sunday Magazine is rich in good pictures.
The large illustration to Forgotten by the World"
is exquisite. There is a touching little story, "The
Village Doctor's Wife," and a beautiful poem by Miss
FYVIE, called, A Cripple's Story."
THE Ove, land Monthly does not flag. Every article in
it is thoroughly readable. The critique on Mi. DILKE's
Greater Britain, written in the spirit to be expected of
an American, is most amusing. What is more, some of
the blows are straight from the shoulder-and tell! We
have received the first number of the Carlow Colleoe
Magazine, a' school publication, promising fairly enough.
We have also to acknowledge the receipt of Cook's Ex-
cursionist for Whitsuntide.
THE Atlantic Monthly is interesting this month.
Its verse is pleasant, and some of the prose papers most
amusing. A New Taste in Theatricals seems to prove
that the Drama is in as bad a state in America as in
England. A notice of Dixox's Her Majesty's Tower is
refreshing for its truth and candour- it has not been re-
viewed like that this side the Atlantic. Our Young Folks
is a capital number. The Story of the Bad Boy is
delightful, and the other papers of high excellence.
"Candy -making" is a revelation of that enormous
consumption of sweetmeats which is one of the secrets
of the national dyspepsia !

WHEN TATTERSALL'S accounts are balanced, they are
in a state of stable equilibrium."


d_/. "








ZA


IL '~


>' I -


MAN'S STRAIGHT TIP.


S]NICHOLAS'S


DERBY HIEROGLYPHIC :


THE OLD








FUN.


[MAY 29, 1869.


FUN OFFICE, We4neday, May 26th, 1849.,
HE great event of the day gives a colqRg to all our thoughts and
ideas. We, all of us without being aware of it, become racy in
our remarks on the commonest subjects. We talk, ourselves,
horse therefore, in deference to the general feeling.
Parliament is not sitting. The next meeting, does not come off
until after the Epsom Summer meeting. Nevertheless we do not
quite forget the stakes which are to be contended for in the course of
the session.
The Liberal stable is the one the public will be found to back. The
Premier (GLADSTONE) is first favourite-a capital horse who looks
like staying. The running will be made for him by Chancellor of
the Exchequer (with LOWE up), a horse that has showed in good form
through Economy (OmHILDEs) and Common Sense (CARDWELL) a
couple of regular c.ppers.
The Conservatiyv hTablo is not in good force just now, a good many
horses having been parted with after the Consolation Scramble" at
the close of the General Election meeting. Nevertheless Opposition
is not such a bad horse, though he is inclined to show roguishness in
young BEN's hands. It is thought that HARDY would pilot him
better.
The market is considerably in favour of Premier, Ihire being few
backers for Opposition. Our tip is Premier for the absolute first-
Opposition nowhere.
THE result of the recent election at Liskeard makes it a matter of
regret that the borough was not disfranchised by the last Reform
Bill. By the result we do not mean the return of M. H luSAw to
Parliament, where his presence is always 1.el:ose 1 reter to the
means which led to his return. It is not the first tme tha t a division
in the Liberal cap-4i enabled the Conservative minority to give a
casting vote. 1#i be whole state of the Liberal party in the
borough must be t1 tn, or it would not for the sake of the possible
patronage of its latPr .l have served MR. BERNAL OSBORNE so shabbily
as it did. If MR. HORSMAN is anxious at once to keep his seat, and
vote exactly as he pleases, we should advise him to be careful to
scatter as many crumbs of patronage as possible before his
constituents who seem to think Liberalism, like charity, begins at
home.
The Popular Cry.
As a proof of the amiable feelings inspired by the Derby Day, We
may note that four French gentlemen, well-known for their dislik,. of
Imperial Government, while going to Epsom inside a drag, with
ample stores from FORTNUM and MASON on the roof, were heard to
shout "Vive 1' hamper-o'er!"

From a Turfy Point of View.
CoMriguCATiON between passengers and guards is at length esta-
blished by Act of Parliament. Let's hope that there will be no string-
halt; but why should that disgraceful system, roping, have been
adopted ?

Foul Play.
A WAG wishing to sell a betting-man of our acquaintance, offered to
lay him odds against the favourite-in eggs. "Bah! said the
betting man, "I wouldn't book such a poultry bet!"

Latest from the Ring.
THE changes we may expect to hear from Bell-a-drum, if he wins.
Tin-tin-nabulum, to be followed by rub-a-dub-dub-up I

A PROPrECY WITH NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT.
THE losers of the Derby will be beaten out and out. (Full par-
ticulars in our next).
WHAT'S THE ODDS ?
WHY should not a parson be seen in the betting-ring ? Because
they are all lay-men there!

or COURSE.
WHY was the race for the Glasgow Plate at York the other day
like a tradesman's bill ? Because it was run on T. Y. C.


MOMUS'S FIRST (ST)RATE TIP.
A RIGMAnOLE OF RHYMES AND REASONS.
As the bell is rung at starting,
So at end will drum be beating ?
You'll the facts sum-up at parting-
Learn in fact at Epsom m,.: t i g.
If they had been aware what this horse was worth,
There would not be so many on the course
So dickey that they cry with Dick of Bosworth,
"A horse-a horse! my kingdom for a horse!"
When failure our luck is befalling,
We're sore, and are savage withal,
But then the result tust be galling
For Brennus you I.Row is a Gaul.
A Duke, as a Dux, should prove leader-
But, the matter to give you a hint on,
True mettle must win, if the breeder
Hasn't coined it a very Bad-mint-on.
Whether stayers they, or comers,
Legs some horses have, and some sticks;
But to beat the time like Drummers,
They of course need only drumsticks.
Some with chances at blood-heat are,
Some with chances down at zero;
But the one by which all beat are
Must this horse be more than Peer o'.
If stale champagne will never do,
On cider flat you'll frown,
'Twould play old gooseberry with you
To swallow Perry down.
Pretenders to the throne oft are
Thrown-over as our history mentions;
But what if this "particular star "
Has not pretences but pretensions!
For landing stakes, upon ZEgean
You of course will hardly stand!
For you know it well to be an
Ocean-so it cannot land!
To go up an Alpen-stock is
Meant: yet, think I, to be frank
This to JEFFERY (who the jock is)
Will but serve for a Mount Blank.
Like the cunning FoxE, instanter
Stakes you Martyrdom will book for,
Yet remember, in a canter
Martyrdom you scarcely look-for.
So to name him, let the trainer
Feel ashamed-the owner blush,
In the rush if he's not gainer
Ryshworth is not worth a rush.
Another DERBY-mentioned cavalierly-
This horse reminds us of. It is his fate,
Until he proves himself the winner clearly
To pass but as a Rupert in Debate.
That two heads better are than one, 'tis said;
Then should the stakes by Ten-'ead-'oss be won ?
A race is won oft by a single head,
But 'tis wit-h legs, not heads, that it is run.
Thorwaldsen was a sculptor, and I trust
About his doings there is little doubt.
Although he treats his rivals to a bu'st,
'Twill prove a chisel, if he cuts them out.
'Twere rash to stake your life on
Meteorologic forms,
So those who bet on Typhon
Had best look out for storms.
Beware, though odds be high or odds be low,
For such a chance your money might be lost o'er.
Since, though Loan TOWNSHEND will not have it so,
A Vagabond's not always an impostor.
A rapid young man ALEXANDER once had as
His messenger swiftest of feet,
It remains to be seen if we look on this Lad-as
A boy that is not to be beat.
A word ARISTOTLE of old did bequeathe us,
With which we're not going to quarrel,
We know very well what's the meaning of Ethus,
But is it in this case a moral p "









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THE FAVOURITE-AND DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE STAYING?


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MAY 29, 1869.]


FU N.


MRBS. BROWN'S DINNER PARTY.
I SAYS, BROWN, in course they'll espeoct a goose a-comin' the very
day arter its University, as comes every Michaelmas thro' being' a thing
as GUY Fox was partial to, and took and eat just afore execution, as
you may read any day in his Book of Martyrs, as my dear mother 'ad
a beauty with picters in a-showin' 'ow them Romans as conquered us
once on a time did used to torment any one to try and make 'eml
Christians, notasI considers it a good plan, and would pretty soon set me
agin anything as was forced down my throat with a stake as the saying'
is. For we was a-goin' to 'ave Ma. and MRas. HsAVESIDE and their
married daughter, in the name of Tnvows, as was in the ready-made
line, with twins as bein' only four months couldn't be left at home,
tho'for mypartlalways said "Thank'ee, no; if I can't go oat in comfort
and leave the children safe behind, home is the place for me."
Well BRowN he was all for a fillet of weal and a tongue, but I stood
up for a biled leg of mutton and a goose, as I considers a handsomee
dinner, with a hot plum pie and a custard puddin'.
A finer goose I never set eyes on as BRowN sent at once, with
giblets and all. Whatever people means by a-sayin' as it's a awkward
bird and not enough for two, I can't make out, for I'm sure that goose
weighed eight pounds at the very least.
It so happenedd that the middle of the day Saturday, just as I was
a-tellin' our SARAH about the dinner, and a-makin' things ready, in
come that boy ALaRED a-sayin' as 'is mother, BROWN's own sister, was
not expected to get over it, as I'd been to see the day before and was
afraid of arysiplos myself thro' a-seein' as her head was a-swellin',
and didn't like the looks on 'er, as is what I calls a bad subject.
I didn't wait for nothing' in course, but 'urried off to 'Ackney Wick,
where they lives, and a out-of-the-way 'ole it is from South Lambeth,
and thro' a lame 'orse thought as the cab never would get there, as is
a nice little house for he's well-to-do is BARNES, and only three now.
Well BARNES he was a-wanderin' up and down like a Jew, and
when he see me he says, Oh! MARTHA, I don't think as there's much
hopes ; I'm glad as you're come."
"Now," I says, "you keep quiet, as frettin' won't do no good; so
up-stairs I goes, and when I looked at 'er, I says it's bleedin' as'll save
'eor for she was a-breathin' like mad, and purple to look at. The doctor
he was there, and says as bleedin' is murder.
Well," I says, then if it was me I should say murder away; so
we had another doctor and he agrees with me, and bled she was and
down-stairs under the week.
No doubt that doctor as was agin the bleedin' was right in saying'
as it was a bad thing for to do in the general way, but depend upon it
it 'as saved life.
Well I couldn't leave that afternoon in course, so got ALFRED to go
over and tell SARAH to get MRS. CHALLIN for to come and 'elp, and said
as I'd be home the first thing. I did not mean to have stayed all night
only BnowN he come over, and said as he'd rather as I did.
She had a quiet night the', and was like a lamb a-sleepin', so I was
ready for to start early only that plagin' doctor he didn't come as I
wanted to see, not till nearly one o'clock, and then said as she was
out of the wood.
I was a-settin' in my bonnet a-waiting for him, and was 'alf a mind
to give him a bit of my mind, as was a cantin' 'umbug, and begun a
talking' a deal of rubbish, as I considers it, a-sayin' he'd been at Chapel,
and I says to 'im, "I believe Sir as you are in the medicinal line, and
'ad better stick to that and when we wants a minister we'll send for 'im."
I aint no patience with people not mindin' their own business; just
the same as I know'd a minister once as come to see a poor woman and
give her a couple of pills, as she died on afore the next afternoon.
It was just on two when I got 'ome, and if the TRYONs didn't come
up to the door at the same instant, twins and all; and as to MaR. and
Mas. HARnsrDms, they'd been there soon arter twelve, as I considers a
nuisance anyone to come that early.
I 'adn't hardlyy time to turn myself round afore BROWN was a-
hollarin' as dinner was ready, and I'm sure the smell of that goose
werry nigh knocked me down as soon as ever I got to the door. When
the covers was took off the dishes I thought I should 'ave dropped, for
the goose was as black as your 'at, and shrivelled up to nothing and if
they 'adn't sent it up with his head under his wing, and the mutton
was raw and cut quite blue; they'd forgot the capers, as the turnips
was all lumps and water.
As to the goose, they'd never drawed it and was obliged to be took
out of the room, and we shouldn't 'ave 'ad no dinner at all if I 'adn't
took and briled that mutton myself with 'ot ketchup.
Of course the pie 'ad been sent to the baker's, and if they didn't
refuse to give it up because it wasn't sent for before 'arf past one
o'clock, as they said they was liable to be fined if they give it up rter
that.
I didn't mind that gal SARAH as couldn't be expected for to cook,
but that old fool MRS. CHALLIa did aggravate me a-sayin' as she
thought as the goose come from the poulterer's all ready. And when
1 says a word about the mutton, she says quite cool, Well it's your
own directions was follered as said it wasn't to be allowed to bile," and


if that born idjot 'adn't been and left it in cold water on the 'ob for
hours as well it might be raw.
I will say as BROWN behaved beautiful and so did the others tnro'
a-knowin' as it were thro' illness, except MtR. TRYoXs as kop' a-com-
plainin' instead of making' the best on it; I'm sure it was lovely
mutton and eat very nice briled-but shameful waste with meat such
a price.
MaR. HAVERSIDE is a werry nice woman and so is 'or good gentle-
man; but of all the stuck-up rubbish it's that Mus. TaYoNs and 'im a-
makin' a fool on her a-callin' 'or 'is pussy cat and a-goin' on foolish
and saying' she was starved and all that, as put me out and made BaowN
savage. Of all the rubbish as she talked you never did, a-sayin' as
she must keep two nusses for them twins, as would spilo 'or figgor'ns
is a regular dumplin' all over, and a talking' about havingg a wolwet gownd
and me a-knowin' all the time as he was only his father's foreman on
three pounds a week and not paid for his furniture yet as they had
thro' the tally man, as is a awful bad plan for I knows very well a friend
of mine as paid a guinea for a gingham umbrella as she got at a tally
shop as didn't wear no time, and that weight as you couldn't hold it
up without pretty nigh breaking your arm in a 'igh wind.
So she says to me, Mrs. BRowN, it's a pity as you don't'ave a good
cook, as you'd find cheaper in the end than them gals out of the
work'us, as costs a deal in what they wastes."
I says, "Excuse me, Mrs. TaRYONS, mum; my servant ain't no gal
out of the work'us, but a respectable young woman as I gives eight
pounds a year to, and everything found; as you'll find will mount up
to fourteen, without 'er keep."
Oh," she says, "then it's a shame as she should spile your dinner
like that."
I says, I'm sorry as it were spilled but I says, as I didn't
expect so many for to come I think as it might be looked over."
Up she bounces, and says, CHARLEs, git me a cab. I won't stay a
moment under this roof. I'm sorry as ever I let myself down to
come."
There wasn't no pacifyin' the wixen, the' 'er father tried, and so did
'er mother, but she kept a-sayin' I will 'ave a cab." I begun for to
smell a rat, as BaowN 'ad made the punch too strong.
So when that poor mollycoddle, as I calls TRYONS, come with the
cab, she says, a-callin' up-stairs to 'er mother, as were putting 'er bonnet
on, Mother, are you a-goin' to stop in this stinkin' don all night."
Well, that was too much for me, so I says, Now I toll you what it
is, MRs. TavoNS, if you stands on my door-mat insulin' me, I'll take
you by the shoulders and turn you out of doors."
She dared me to, so I give her one push and outside she was afore
she know'd it."
Down come TRYONS with a twin on each arm, as regularly put me out
by his ways with them, as I'm surn no decent woman wouldn't let a
man go on as he did, and he says, Where's my poppet, is she ready ?"
I says, "Your poppet's outside the door and the sooner you follows
'er along with your offspring the bettor, and afore you brings 'or out
agin learn her better manners."
Well, just then there come a thunderin' rap at the door, and there
stood a policeman.
So I says, "What's your business ?" He says, the lady in the cab
told me for to come in as I was wanted."
I says, What for ?"
Why," he says, you've got a female here as is that drunk as you
can't get 'er out of the house. "
I says, That female is in the cab, thank you."
I must say as I did pity that poor wretch of a TaYONs, for as soon
as ever he got to the cab door if that creotur didn't begin to scream and
holler like mad as that scared 'im as he nearly dropped the twins, and
MRas. HAVEESIDE she runs out and says, "Oh! MRs. BROWN, she's
a-dyin'."
I says, "Rubbish; she's took too much punch, as I see 'er dip 'or
beak into pretty deep."
That made 'em all turn on me like mad, and old HAVERTSIDhe come
and chimed in, and there they was all round the cab.
Says the policeman, "You'd better take 'or in doors."
I says, No, thank you." I says, You may take'or to the station-
'ouse till she's sober, but she don't never darken my doors no more," and
in I goes and shets the door right in their faces, and told the gal to give
old HAVERSIDE 'is 'at and umbreller up thro' the airey, and never 'ave
spoke to any of the lot since, but 1 always shall think of a leg of mut-
tp and a goose, as certingly were an unlucky dinner as it turned out,
b.4t 'ow anyone could behave like that in a friend's housee puzzles me,
as is a downright discredit and a disgrace, and I heardd as that
Mts. TYvoNs 'ad took to drinking' and led 'im a wretched life, and 'ad
buried the twins, as is a 'appy release with such a mother, as never can
end well, that's certain.

SILENCE IS GOLDEN.-A racehorse is of little use whenoa he "makes a
noise."
A HotSE-LEECH.-The Vet.


FUll.








124 F U N. [MAY 29, 1809.


ESCAPING FROM TOWN.
OH! the joy for a day
Of the getting away-
For gentle and simple, for peer and for clown-
From life and its care,
To breathe the fresh air,
And drink the ozone of the brisk Surrey down ,,
Oh, the height of delight I
Of the wight you invite,
To join once a year in escaping from town
When the Derby is run,
There is plenty of fun,
The enjoyment of holiday outing to crown!
Let philosophy scowl-
And let bigotry howl-
On the frolics let plodding propriety frown !
Let them preach! Let them teach!
Waste of speech upon each
Of the holiday rev'ller escaping from town!
So, follow the plan
Of this rollicking clan,
Withwhite hats and blue veilsand with dust-coats of brown- /
Your vehicle place on,
From Foarxuar AND MASON,
A few of those hampers of wide-spread renown,
Lots of wine, fowl and chino-
For you'll dine, I opine,
With a relish more keen for escaping from town.
Oh the joy of a day,
In this holiday way,
When in sparkling champagne all your worries
you drown!
'Tis a tipple you'll own
Mixes well with ozone-
And a very nice means, too, of washing it down. -"
iBut, I say, of next day
Think, I pray, and don't
pay
W" h a headache next morn for
escaping from town-
WV h a headache next morn fol
escaping from town.










Cr- ...-




'r .. :,--








FUN.


AN OLD TRAP-SET BY A VERY OLD TRAPPER.


THE DERBY DOLL'S DITTY.

'M a rollicking Derby Doll-
A frolicking Derby Doll-
I've nothing to clothe me,
The decent must loathe me,
And yet-well, I feel tol-lol!
I'm a rollicking frolicking Derby Doll-
A rollicking Derby Doll!
I'm a shivering Derby Doll-
A quivering Derby Doll-
At the end of a whip
In a noose that will slip
They dangle me aus per coll!
I'm a shivering, quivering Derby Doll-

I'm a smashable Derby Doll-
A crashable Derby Doll-
They put my limbs out,
And fling me about,
As on drag, 'bus, and waggon they loll!
I'm a smashable, crashable Derby Doll-
A smashable Derby Doll!
I'm a whirlabout Derby Doll-
A twirlabout Derby Doll-
How far better for me
If the pet I could be
Of some dear little Peggy or Poll -
She'd take care of and treasure her doll,
Whereas on this scene
How ill-used I have been,
As a hurlabout, whirlabout Derby Doll-
A whirlabout Derby Doll.

IIAMMLESS TO TMH FEATHERED TRIBE.-A Dead Shot.


gxsistwi ta xfltolbflnliit,.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketcihes, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
t responsible for loss.J
ALPHA.-Try and do Bet(t)a, another time.
PERUVIAN.-Wo doubt the joke's peroovin' original, if we tested it.
J. G. (Liverpool).-No improvement, though a haltor-ation, for your
measure limps worse than ever.
Bon (Manchester).-If your brain has boon as you say, worked into a
state of pulpy softness," you can do better than try to compose comic verso
with it. Make it into bread sauce.
GLASGOW.-We could rhyme an if we would-and wouldd be an answer
to you. But let it pass, go !
DIOGENEs.-Your tub muat think its contents very small beer.
PALAMON.-Not a Pal of ours.
COVE OF THE PeRIoD.-When you say you will be delighteded" do
you not mean spell-bound ?
P. M. W. (Liverpool).-Your "jokes open up quite a new prospect for
punsters, for whose benefit we cull a few-" may-flower (mayor) sprout
(spout)-seedy (seditious)." This is, indeed, "punning made easy."
JOHN JARGON.-You begin your "advice to young men" by asking
them to "lend you their ears "-our advice to them is not to do so, for cars
are an article with which you seem plentifully supplied. If you borrowed
them, however, for a change, you of course would not want them long.
PIMLIco.-Send your name and address as a guarantee of good faith, and
we will set the matter right.
A. R. C. (Bristol).-Thanks.
ADMIREB (Worcester).-We are flattered.
E. C. HOLLANDs.-The telegraph companies are doubtless obliged to you.
We are not.
W. C. M.-It was not up to the mark. It is of no use to us, and can be
returned if you wish it to be sent.
Declined with thanks :-C., Belfast; W. T. N., Arlington-street; I,
Glasgow; W. K., Northampton; Brighton; N., Llanelly; H. It.; It. B.,
Landport; V., Hackney; B. G., Northlampton; T. C., Tramnnere: A.,
Clarence Gardens; G. P., Brighton; P. 1'. ; L Dublin; Marcus; W. T.,
Manchester; Anon; G., Leeds; Deep Thinker; E G., IIoxton; Z., Carlisllo
G. D. I., Mayfair; V., Taunton; Euston-road; T. M.; W. S Dublin;
W. S. B., Chancery-lane; O.H., Hyde-park; E. H., Norwich.


MAY 29, 1869,]


12.5








FUN.


126






i 1!]


-- A


THE RETORT COURTEOUS.


Swell :-" AD H NO iRWEAKFAST ?"
Sweeper :-" No, SIR "
Swell;-" PAW SEOGAW AND NO
DINNER "
Sweeper :-" No sin! "


Swell:-" PAW REGGAW!' "
Sweeper :-" GOT E'ER A COPPER,
YER HONOUR "
Swell :-" NAw !
Sweeper :-" PAW BEGGAW


[MAY 29, 1869.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 116.
FOR Pero Gomez these declare-
Those stand by Belladrum-
While some by the Pretender swear,
By Duke of Beaufort some.
Of Ladas, Ethus, Vagabond,
Rupert, and Thorwaldsen,
Are other backers just as fond:
As many minds as men!
Our tip we hide these verses in-
Guess! and 'twill tell you which will win.
1. Who plunges too deeply, and puts all his cash
On one horse alone, with a confidence rash,
Will think when his venture has turned out amiss
ThAt his conduct has almost been culpably this.
2. Till the race is run,
And the prize is won,
None knows the winner, excepting FuN.
Till the prize he gains,
As the post he attains,
The winner most certainly this remains.
3. Belladrum-
(But, hist be dumb !)-
So someone whispers me-
Is in wind unsound,
And if so, I'll be bound,
He's not in the first three.
4. Too many of these, there is no denying,
To horse's temper are very trying.
5. Tight trouser and hat on one side,
A touch of the groom in step and stride,
A straw in his mouth, a wink in his eye-
These are the things you will know him by.
He knows the stable-he has the tip,
But never a word of it passes his lip.
He'll lay the odds, and his book is sound,
And on every race-course he's sure to be found!
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, NO. 114.-Prince Arthur:
Papa, Roar, Intermittent, Noah, Catechu, Error.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 114, RECEIVED MAY 19th:-
Jenny; Nell and Louie; D. C. L,; Yrrah Snewo; Ryde and Ellis;
Cowpar Angus Idiot; Ben; I. 0. P; W. J. P; G. C.; Llahtyrt;
W. M. W.; Julu; Frank and Maria; Pompadour; Fair Oak;
Shorncliffe; Cider Eye; Tiny Tan; Another Pompadour; Sparkie;
M. B.: I. L. A. T.; Podgers; Flora B; Emaroth; Old Mortality;
D. G H.; Ruby's Ghost; Physic and F.; Little Ryan; Alastair;
Sphinx; Man of Deceit; Tolo; Joppy; G. H. P.; Sillar Bros;
D. R. P.; Sapientes; Louda P.; Pimlico Tom; Sub Rosa; A. F.;
C.B.H. Now Singe Etc.; 2 Boobies; J. A. P.; G. L. S.; Doddy;
Owen; Ring-Tailed Roarer; three have sent Pa" for the first
word, and two have sent a choice-against the rules.


Lesson for Lancashire.
UNIMPEACHIABLE intelligence, from the north, apprises us that
"GLADSTONE was defeated by a short head; so, perhaps, MESSaS.
Caoss AND TURNER are not, after all, such very long-headed fellows.
On second thoughts, though the informant quoted is not likely to be
a Liberal, for he malignantly adds, bad third."
NOTE by our betting P. D. Please, sir, the gents' been and
mistook the Times's report of the Doncaster races for a political
article."

A Contradiction.
IT is strange that over the Derby course the horse that wins must
be able to stay as well as go."
CHARLIE IS MY DORLING.
HE who trusts his fortunes to Royal Oak will, like KING CHAIILES be
up a tree.
PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE.
WHAT bookmakers do with strong backers :-Smoke them.

THE popular Race-Glass: "-A bumper of Champagne.


Not a Shave.
Mn. COIDEESs has placed our sailors on the same footing- or rather
chinning-with our soldiers and our police. Shaving is to be dis-
pensed with in the navy. Jack is not to be razeed any more than his
frigate. Let us hope that this immunity from scrapes will not be
confined to the time he is at sea.

Speculative.
THE Deptford Racing Spec is a thing of the past. When shall we
be able to say the same of another speck-or rather foul blot-on our
social system-the well nigh chronic distress at the East-end ?

Healthful Sport.
WE wot of a dear lover of the trigger who fills up his mornings in
the interval between rook and grouse shooting by flushing" his
sewers.

WHY cannot a lady who owns a roan horse possess one of any other
colour ? Because it would not be her own.
SONG for an obese jockey who cannot "reach the weight" to ride a
favourite: Shall I wasting in despair F'


BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.
IN STOOK FOR IMMEDIATE USE OR MADE TO MEASURE.

SAMUEL BROTHERS, so, -.-uD-ar-TE- IraTJ..








JUNE 5, 1863.] F U N 127


OUR POOR RELATIONS.
SCENE.-2Tli Monkey House at the Zoological Gardens, Regent's-park.
A-MAVIGIUs, a philosopher in spectacles, is conducting a young Dis-
ciple of his school over the building.
ARMA.-Here be the quadrumana. It is a mighty elegant building,
and the plants, besides giving it grace and beauty, are highly useful
in absorbing the noxious odours, which are inseparable from the best-
regulated monkeys.
Discrp.-Oh, my! Look at that chap pulling the other's tail
"through the bars.
ARMA.-The Orientals conceive the monkey to be, in reality, a
human being, but endowed with such superior cunning that he declines
to talk lest he should be set to work. Others consider them to be our
poor relations, who, according to Loan MON-ODDo, are rendered so
restless and fidgety by their straitened circumstances that they miss
the advantage of man's sedentary habits, which alone are the cause of
his being tail-less. The monkey, then, is born of poor, but dishonest
-parents -and he takes after them-
,[4At this point, the philosopher having approached too close to the cage, a
monkey seizes his spectacles. -As he strives to recover them, a second
monkey pulls his wig through the wires, and a third tears his cravat.
DiscIP.-Oh, my eye! Here's a lark!


Chronicle Small Beer.
OLR otherwise excellent contemporary, the Public Schools Chronicle,
has been trenching on our ground by publishing some excruciatingly
funny things in the shape of dramatic criticism. A little while
since it gravely noticed Plot and Passion as a new piece! Last week it
gave solemn advice to Miss FOWLER of the Gaiety, describing her as
a beginner and telling her what to do if she intends to take to the
boards." Our contemporary has, we are aware, with a view to en-
couraging their literary taste, invited the schoolboys to send contri-
butions; but it is hardly wise to let the young gentlemen do the
dramatic notices.

A Coox's ExcuRSIoN.-Going to bring the Chops of the Channel to
the Gridiron at the docks.


STANZAS.
Br OUn OWN SEAGULL.
'D have you know a daw is
not-
Because he wears its plumes
-a pea-fowl.
If girls are ducks, may I be
shot,
Because they're feathered by
the sea-fowl.
Let them obey
The law; and may
The statute flourish long!
say we fowl!
Oh, ladies! Trust in your own charms,
Nor let them follow with ill-luck us:
No feather in your hat" our harms!
Forbid then Fashion thus to pluck us.
You are made fair
With flowing hair-
Not plumes, as Nature has bestuck us.
Reject each savage feather-froak
From fashions milliners unfurl you,
And lasting gratitude bespeak
From guillemot, grebe, puffin, curlew-
And praises cull
From guileless gull,
You kindly fascinating girl, you!

The better Horse.
THE Yankee papers announce that MRS. BLOOMER, the originator'
of the costume which bears her name, has been elected Mayor of
Council Bluffs, Iowa." If the Aatives of that place do not reject our
bluff counsels, they will henceforth call their chief magistrate a
mare. In the country of the blind the one-eyed is king," so we
suppose in the city of donkeys the grey mare is the better horse.


VOL. Im. M








FUJ N.


"VERY LIKE-VERY LIKE."
MBl. B. A. BooNE having given SoMUDGE, R.H.A., leave to exhibit his portrait,
is intensely delighted to find there is a slight mistake in the Catalogue, and that the
description really belonging to No. 82-" B. A. BOONE, ESQ., F.Z.S., etc."-has
been transferred to No. 28.


128


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, June 2nd, 1869.
HE atmosphere of the House of Lords is cooler and more tem-
perate, we are always told, than that of the House of Commons.
The "Irish Church Bill" fight which is about to take place
there is, therefore, likely to be a civil war. We are warned that
the Opposition peers have laid their heads together with the intention
of throwing a stumbling-block, thus composed, in the way of the Bill's
advance. As in the old times of the Parliament those who wish to
treat the measure in a Cavalier manner have agreed to such an ambus-
cade, as MR. MORRIS'S clever painting in the Exhibition of the Royal
Academy depicts. As the Bill, under escort of LORD GRANVILLE and
LoRD HATHERLEY is making progress, we see its foemen in ambush.
LORD W*STM*ATH, who has possibly good ground for not reposing too
much on his head, throws himself on his stomach and keeps watch.
LORD DruaY, with drawn sword is ready to dash in with a Rupert
charge, while LoRD CAIRNS, who depends too much on his legal skill
in fence to need much armour, waits patiently. Behind them lurks a
deserter from the Liberal ranks. His name points to an Eastern
origin, but it is in the West-buried under another title. He was once
high in the ranks of the Liberal party, which nothing however
"graced so much as his leaving it," or might have disgraced so much
as his stopping in it after certain revelations. However, here he is,
ready to fight fiercely as deserters must do; "one of the sons of Bethel
driven to the camp of Belial," the Puritans would have said of such a
man. We, however, do not use such unparliamentary language, we


only smile to see him of all men compelled to consort with bishops and
battle for bigotry.
ALL sensible people will rejoice that CHARLES DICKENS has directed
against the bigots and fanatics of real life the keen pen which pinned
Chadband and Stiggins as specimens of pious coleoptera in bygone
times. During his retirement on account of ill health, at a time when
his privacy should have been especially respected, they hovered about
him, with discordant and threatening shrieks. Fortunately, though
such people possess the tastes, they have not the unerring instincts of
vultures and such vile carrion-birds, which collect around the
wounded and dying; and CHAnLEs DicxKEs is among us again to nail
a few of the buzzards of bigotry on the barn-door beside Stiggins and
Chadband. They are real vermin this tim-te th sermon-sender and
the rest of the crew are, as we know, living nuisances; and many are
they who, pestered by them in time of affliction, will be grateful to
our popular humorist for punishing those traders on human sorrow
and suffering. It is too infamous that in the first anguish of bereave-
ment, people should be informed by harpies, who never heard of
them until they scented their addresses in the "Deaths" in the
Times, that their sins and misdeeds have lost them their beloved ones.
And that this most cruel outrage should be committed under the cloak
of religion is the more shocking. The hyena frequents graveyards
and finds amusement in desecrating death. But he is only a wild beast
-not a wild bigot, and he does not call his yells sermons, or disguise
his enjoyment as zeal for the good of others.
We are so grateful to MR. DicxENs for his exposure of this wicked
sham that we can overlook the only blot on his Fly-leaf, the some-
what excusable vanity which seems to suppose that all the world came
to a standstill at the news of his indisposition. Long may he live to
make us uneasy about his health as an Irishman would say.

WHOLESALE, ANr, WE TRUST, FOR EXPORTATION.-Our able-bodied
paupers.


[JUNE 6, 1869,


DOUBLE ACROSTIC, No. 117.
A CLEVER M.P. has been speaking of late
On women and questions affecting their state.
He looked for the day when the poor suppressed sex"
Should ne'er, to the yoke men enforce, bow their necks.
The ladies applauded, and with their applause
They gave him what surely should help making laws.
1. Supposing an animal yawn, and you know
That animals yawn like all mortals,
This word would express, what leads far down below
As well as carnivorous portals.
2. A novel by HANNAY is reckon'd
A capital tale of the sea;
His hero has names, this the second-
We find, of a good tap was he.
3. It comes, they say, from France, and yet
It's derivation you ll forget
In change of sound, although the same
Short word in Latin has a name,
Whose meaning you will all detect
In English, meaning to direct.
4. Had he only spoken
But one little word,
When his troth was broken
Then his ears had heard,
Angry answer surely
This he would have told.
Yet he acted purely
In the days of old.
5. By gas-light or daylight, or noisy, or still,
Whatever my mood is, I love Piccadilly; "
So sings Mn. LOCKER, my more modest praise is
Of that which surrounds it, in each of its phases.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 115.-Academy, .Artists .
Aga, Coulter, Adamant, Dioscuri, Ethics, Mast, Yufts.
CORRECT SOLUrTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 115, RECEIVED MAY 26th.-
Nell and Louie; L. A. C., Fenchurch-st.; Pompadour; Sapientes;
Doddy.
SLODoER AND TINEY.-Answers should be received not later
than Wednesday morning. We believe yours was received but
was not in accordance with the rules.
T. AND Co.-The letter was in time. For rules vide No 97,
New Series.


Qr- V
T!





F J U N.-JuE 5, 1869,


THE AMBUSCADE :-A DESIGN FOR A FRESCO IN THE HOUSE OF PEERS.
[With Fur's apologies to Mr,. MORRIS for taking a liberty with his clever picture in the Royal Academy.]







,IVNE 5, 1869.]


FUN.


LIFE IN LODGINGS.

XVIII. VALEDICTORY.
'.. T length we have, we believe, ex-
hausted our theme. We have visited
Every description of Lodgings, from
the extreme postal district of N. to
S., from fashionable W. to seafaring
E. We have taken the courteous
.- reader to the police-station and the
'. yy\ 'workhouse as well as to the West-
/ end hotel and the genteel shades of
lMayfair. And now the time has
1, come when we must give our notice
S to quit.
Our duty to the public has not
been performed without somewhat serious consequences to ourselves.
On more than one occasion ladles-stout, of mature age, and gifted
with large and weighty umbrellas-have called at No. 80, Fleet-street,
and expressed a desire to see the author of Life in Lodgings. We
recently induced a friend from the country, who is ambitious to ap-
pear connected with literature, to personate us. He lies at this moment
in a precarious condition at the St. Bartholomew's Hospital, with one
eye injured by a poke from the ferule of a gingham, and extensive
scalp wounds produced by repeated blows with a door-key. Such are
the serious inconveniences we have suffered by proxy in our anxiety to
serve the public.
Another result of our devotion to the common weal is that it has
become utterly impossible for us to obtain lodgings anywhere. We
have occupied three hours and a Hansom in the vain search for apart-
ments. The MRs. Bonxcans of the Metropolis refuse for once to
"take in'" a lodger. "They don't want no prying parties a-watching
over the way as they conduck their business and a-writing about it in
them papers." Even the slavey refuses to allow us to look over the
rooms, as if we had sinister designs on the Britannia metal. Nay,
without going so far as to seek lodgings, we have met with severe
rebuffs on occasions when we have called on friends, living in apart-
ments. The vengeance of the landladies has fallen on those unoffend-
ing beings, after having acquired an edge by violent abuse of us. The
result is that our acquaintances have frequently implored us not to
visit them.
Now that our task is completed we shall shave off our whiskers, have
our hair done the fashionable colour, cultivate a Scotch accent, and
endeavour to lose all traces of our identity. Should this fail our only
hope will be to procure a tent and take up our quarters, as suggested
in the initial in some rural and retired spot-in the extensive Fields in
which St. Martin's stands, or amid the quiet shades of Whetstone
Park.
It is not without reluctance that we part from our reader, who has
accompanied us on our mental journeys from the eari luogi or dear
lodgings of the fashionable quarter to the accommodation gratis of the
casual wards. Visions of the strange things we have seen and learnt
during our travels rise before us. We see the lodging-house cat,
which considering its extraordinary partiality for cold meat, and the
ingenuity it exercises in compassing that viand is curiously lean and
lank. Nor is the cat the only domesticated animal that we recall
amongst the fauna of Lodgerdom. We can picture to ourselves the
wild huntsman who at the witching hour of night has to get up, light
a match, re-illume his fiat-candle, and plunge into the mad excitement
of the chase.
We recall too the manners and customs of the natives of the region.
Their manners are over-bearing and their customs extortionate. Their
knowledge of compound arithmetic is peculiar-five mutton chops at
sixpence amounting, according to their
calculations, to three and sixpence.
Their weights are dubious and their I
measures peculiar, only three half-pint
glasses going to the quart of beer by
their rules, whle e a penn'orth of milk is
so very minute as to be scarcely percepti-
ble to the naked eye.
It it were not the established rule in
England that only the undeserving
should be honoured with statues, Tra-
falgar-square would have been long since
adorned by a piece of sculpture of the
annexed design, wherein a typical lodger
is seen piercing with her own exaggerated
bill-file the prostrate form of the conven-
tional landlady. But we neither expect
nor desire our labours to be thus crowned.
If-as has been said by a distinguished
writer-if our writings have at any time ....


opened the eyes of the unsuspecting to the depredations of the un-
scrupulous, if they have lightened the perquisites and seared the
conscience of a landlady, or afforded innocent laughter on the right
side of the mouth to one of her victims, our efforts have been
rewarded.
It is some consolation to us, and will doubtless be interesting to the
public, to learn that our artist has also suffered in the good cause.
e has more than once been turned out of his lodgings in consequence
of a suspicion that he was connected with this series of papers. -IHow
great such an inconvenience was may be gathered from the fact that
his principal luggage and chief property .isa plaster cast, life-size, of
the Venus de Medici, purchased in early hours of affluence,
enthusiasm, and Academy studentship. When our readers picture to
themselves that indefatigable youth wandering from street to street
in search of an abode, accompanied by atsmall black portmanteau and
a large white Venus, they will form :some idea of his devotion to the
interests of science, the welfare of thepublic, andithe amusement of the
street-boys.
Before taking our leave we may as well take this opportunity of deny-
ing a rumour which is prevalent in the highest'bircles that the Carlton
Club, relying upon our popularity with the -newly-qualified voters,
who came under te Lodger Franchise, intend to bring usl forward for
one of the metropolitan boroughs at the next general election. There
is even less ground for the report, circulated by malice and invented
by envy, that our sole object in writing this series has been to
advocate the claims of a new invention, which we are stated to have
patented as "the High Pressure Double Action, Centrifugal and
Condensing Automatic Steam Slavey," and are described -as anxious to,
bring out'as a Limited Liability Company. It is equally untrue that
we have a scheme before Parliament for the conversion of
Westminster Abbey, St. Paul's Cathedral, Leicester-s miare and the
site of the Nelson Column into a large Model Lodgir House, with
sleeping accommodation provided in the beds of the I ames and the
New River, and that we are endeavouring to induce the DuKE of
CAMBRIDGE to stamp the sheets of Ornamental water in the Parks
with "Stolen from GEORGE, Ranger" in large characters.
Such visions are far too chimerical for us. Our object has been to
combine as much amusement as possible with the smallest amount of
instruction. In the full assurance that we have either failed or
succeeded in this, we make a confident but grateful bow, as we take
down the card in our window; trusting to a favourable verdict at the
hands of that most intelligent jury, the British public, which we trust
will not sit upon us, although we do thus put an end to our Life in


'l~
--I







-_ Lj


(I


A Spark.
PnorEssoR TYNDALL delivered his sixth lecture on Light" the other
day. Was it on that most ancient form of illumination the Tynda(r)-
light.


133








FUN.


-- ...--.- -




A MAN OF BUSINESS:
1st City HJan :-" JUST HAD A YERY HEAVY LOSS, EH ? SORRY TO HEAR IT.
How WAs IT ?"
2nd Ditto :-" WHY, I INSURED MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S LIFE FOR TWO
THOUSAND-SENT HER TO SCOTLAND BY RAIL-AND HANG ME, IF SHE HASN'T
come back again safe I "


HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE.
THE management of the Gaiety is not content with making the
theatre the most tempting in London, by abolishing fees and establish-
ing all sorts of luxuries, not to mention comforts, in front of the house.
It has in Columbus presented the public with an extravaganza which,
for splendour and taste, eclipses all the old Lyceum extravaganzas,
that the laudator temporis acti has been so fond of quoting. MR.
ALFRED THOMPSON has superintended the mounting, as well as written
the libretto, of the spectacle. The dresses are gorgeous and solid,
instead of gaudy and tinselly ; and the scenery, with the exception of
the last scene l(which is scarcely up to MR. MORGAs'S mark) is effec-
tive and nd artistic. The music is admirably selected and songs and
dances are marked by a refinement unusual in the regions of burlesque.
It is to be regretted that despite some admirable situations and one or
two very comic bits of business, the piece is, from a literary point of
view, weak. The rhymes are more than ordinarily cockneyfled, which
we should not have expected from a man of MR. THOMPSON'S taste and
polish; while the lines are painfully irregular in metre, ranging from
four feet to a dozen without scruple. It is fair to say that many of
the jokes are excellent, and that few depend on mere word-twisting;
but while some are fresh, the majority are so good that they have stood
the test of time. As regards the acting, Miss FARREN carries the piece,
as she alone could do-a burlesque actress without an equal on the
stage at present. Miss LosEBY supports her with something better
than the ordinary stage singing, and MR. MACLEAN, MR. ELDRED, and
Ma. ROBiNS (in a small part) make the most of what is allotted to
them; as does also Miss TREMAINE. The part of the heroine is en-
trusted to Miss FOWLER, who unfortunately has only a handsome dress
nd good looks. We were inclined to ascribe her shortcomings on the
rst night to the vulgarity of a box full of swells who paid her the poor
compliment of a pelting with bouquets the moment she appeared, and be-
fore, therefore, she had done anything to merit the tribute. A second


SWEEP I
I'M in a sweep-a Derby sweep!
Of money I may win a heap.
Suppose my horse should chance to win,
Oh, won't I make the tin to spin!
I'm in a sweep! and if my horse
Is first, I sweep the board perforce.
If third or second I shall yet
A very decent total get.
I want some summer clothes-a hit,
There's very little doubt of that.
I have some bills I want to pay,
So some of it shall go that way.
I'll give AMELIA MARTHA JANB
A very handsome watch and chain;
And of my winnings I'll assign
My uncle some -for keeping miae.
And then-but stop! the paper's come,
I'll see if I have won the sum;
For first or second-Ha! I'm glummer,
S"Pretender-Pero Gomez-Drummer! "
Where was my horse? Why, bless my heart,
The beggar did not even start.
I'm done-I'm rather more than done!
I drew a horse that didn't run.

An Anecdote.
WE submit the following apologue for republication in
a cheap -no! some print and paper must be considered
dear at a halfpenny even, so we will say small-contem-
porary which, like a magpie, exists on what it sophisti-
cally calls "extracts." It will remind the publisher and
the six other people who constitute its public of its
strictures on a certain cartoon. Here's the apologue :-
" A certain area-sneak has threatened to bring an action
against a gentleman, whose silver-spoons he had stolen,
because they were not of the exact pattern he wished."

The Largest Charcoalation in the World.
A FRIEND Of ours who has recently taken to eating
the well-known charcoal biscuits as a cure for chronic
indigestion, assures us that he is quite proud of his
dyspepsia now that he finds it is something to BRAGo
about.


visit (and everyone will go twice, by the way, to see Columbus) we regret
to say, only confirms an opinion, that she is not likely to do much with a
part so splendid in costume. We have only to add that the dancing of
MADEMOISELLE ROSERI is alone sufficient to call for a visit to this most
pleasant theatre. The present generation has not seen such marvellous
feats so gracefully performed. She appears to swim-to pause-to fly
through the air with a buoyancy devoid of all effort, and with a preci-
sion truly marvellous. She is the only dancer in our time, to whom
we can apply HOOD'S quotation dpropos of the Taglionis and Ceritos,
"They toil not, neither do they spin."
THE Flower Show season has set in with severity. The energies of
the milliner and the horticulturist are alike exerted to add to its
beauties. The Show at the Crystal Palace the other day was, as regards
flowers, not so good as we have seen. The competition for cut-flowers
in bouquets struck us as particularly weak. The show at the Horti-
cultural, on the 22nd May, was of a very superior class, its chief
attraction being a splendid display of pelargoniums. That so many
important prizes fell to MEssRS. CARTER would not surprise those who
had visited their nursery ground at Perry Hill, about one mile from
Sydenham Station. There, in the midst of an almost park-like estate,
their extensive gardens and acres of glass are situated, wherein the
manager, MR. BOSTON, devotes long experience and tried skill to the
production of seedling pelargoniums. We can compare the frames
filled with the young plants to nothing but cases of the most gorgeous
jewellery; so rich and exquisite are the colours, whose brilliancy defies
the cunning of the deftest colourist to copy. We know of few ways of
spending an hour or so more agreeably than in a visit to these
beautiful plants.

The Orange, and its Fruit.
A HIBERNIAN friend says you may know the Orange party by the
acid fermentation it pro-juices in Ireland.


134


[JCrsE 5, 1869.








fl-


.J.NE 5, 1869.] I


FIREFLY.
ACT I.-Somewhere in Baden Baden. Enter LEONARD GRANTLEY.
LEONARD.-My brother Harry has forged a bill, and I am suspected
of having done it! [Enter MORDECAT, a Hebrew, tI d Loun CASTLrEFOD.
MORDECAaI.- This bill is forged by you!
LEoNARD.-It is not!
MORDECAI.- What proofs have you ?
LEONARD.- Proofs ? What need of proofs when one's conscience is
all right ?
LORD C.-He speaks truly. I am sure he is innocent!
3MORDECAI.- Not so. (To Officers of Justice.) Arrest him!
(The Officers attempt to arrest him. He knocks th m all down, especially
MORDECAI, and springs over a wall, and so escapes.)
ACT II. SCENE 1.-- Algier. Tie French Army discovered, bivouacking.
A SOLDIER.-Hurrah for the bold Chassoores!
ALL.- Hurrah!
Enter LEONARD GRANTLEY, in thie uniform of a pr iate Chassoore, togfe'her
with ROCK, lately his servant, but now also a Uhasscorr.
Rocx.-My noble master!
LEONARD.- Nay, Rock, we are no longer master and servant, we are
equals in rank, and fight side by side.
ROCK.-The Colonel dislikes you.
LEONARD.-He does. I don't know why, for I am the finest soldier
in the French army.
Roex.- May it not be because you willwear your whiskers, although,
by the rules of the French army, you are bound to shave them ?
LEONARD.-It may be that. Very likely it is. At all events, we
will hope so. (To the Ats my.) Soldiers of France, we will hope so!
THE ARMY.-We will!
Enter COLONEL DuRAND and the DUCHESS DI PRONA.
COLONEL.- Private Grantley.
LEoNARD.-Here!
COLONEL.- Dog!
LEONARD (aside).-Ha! But no matter.
COLONEL.-The Duchess would see specimens of your ivory carving.
LEONARD.-Behold them !.- [Shows some specimens.
DUCHESS.- How much ?
LEONARD.- They are yours for a glance of those soft eyes !.
DucHESS (aside).-A gentleman, evidently! (Aloud.) Nay, I must
pay for them.
LEONARD.-I will not take money for them. A glance is all I want.
COLONEL.- Don't trouble yourself, Duchess, 1 will give him the
glance!
LEONARD.- Nay, it must come from her Grace.
COLONEL.-Insolent hound!
LEONARD.-Ha! But no matter !
COLONEL.-Away! I will settle with you anon!
DucnHss (confidentially to audience).-I love that ivory carver!
[Exit, blushing.
Enter FIREFLY, a Vivas;dire, on a pale horse with wteak eyes.
FIREFLY.- I have achieved another victory! The Arabs have fled,
and Algiers is ours-!
LEONARD (mildly).-Are ours. Algiers are ours.
FIREFLY.- Always right, my noble boy !
THE ARMY.-Three cheers for Firefly !
ALL.-Hurrah for the bold Chassoores!
SCENE 3.- COLONEL DURAND'S Quarters.
-nter COLONEL DURAND and CAPTAIN DE VIGNY.
CAPTAIN.-Colonel, the French army has collared a little Arab child.
She made a desperate resistance, but the armies of France were too
many for her. After a protracted struggle she capitulated.
COLONEL.- May France ever triumph thus over her haughty foes!
They cannot now say that we have not taken a single prisoner. Load
the captive with chains and bring her in.
[They bring the captive in, securely guarded.
COLONEL.-Ha! A right truculent countenance Away with her
to the unprotected cottage on the Algerian frontier.
CAPTAIN.- But--excuse me-her Arab father has only to walk over
and take her back.
COLONEL.- Silence, dog! (Enter LEONARD GRANTLEY.) Here, you-
I'll send you on a message of re: tain death. Take a flag of truce and
this letter to her Arab father. If you don't capitulate your daughter
shall be smashed."
LEONARD.-I go! [Goes.
SCENE 4.-The Arab .Enca;mspment.
ALDARIM, Chief of the Kho lifos, discerei ed, surrounded by his tribe.
ALDAniM.-Changed are the days since Aldarim was the cockney
Jew Mordecai in the first act!
ALL.- They are.
Enter LEONARD (with Flag (f Ti nee), o,.d also FIREnLY, on the Horsc (f
te Crimson Eyelids.
LEONARD.-I bear a message from the Franks.
ALDARmI. -They are dogs!


T N. 135

LEONARD.-Most Of them. Listen. "If you don't ea litulato your
daughter shall be smashed."
ALDARIM.-Ha! Bear him to his death!
FIREFLY.-Not s0.
ALDARIM.-Why not?
FIREFLY.- Because I, the Vivandiiro of the Franks, decline to
sanction such a proceeding.
ALDARIn.-Oh. That alters the case, of course. (To LEONARD.) If
Firefly remains with us as a hostage you can return to your army.
Otherwise, you die. Which will you do ?
LEONARD.-I will return, and leave her here. It is better that she
should die than I, for I am the finest soldier in the French army.
Farewell, Firefly !
FIREFLY.- But, I say-
LEONARD.-NO, thanks-I am only too happy to give you another
opportunity of showing these Arab dogs how well a Frenchwoman can
behave under circumstances of immediate danger. [Exit, very quickly.
ACT III.-The DUCHESS DI RHONA'S Apartminto.
Enter LEONARD, meeting the DUCHEss.
DUCHEss.-I want to pay you for those ivory carvings.
LEONARD.-Nay. All I require is a glance of those sBat eyes!
DVCHESS (aside).- He is a gentleman! Are you not Leonard Grantley
LEONARD.-I am.
DucHEss,-Then I am your early playmate.
LEONARD.-Ha! My own Di Rhona! [They embrace.
Enter COLONEL DUnAND.
COLONEL.-What do I see? Private Grtntley embracing my
Duchess! [B&it DUCHEss, very red.
LEONAnD.-She is my early playmate, Colonel.
COLONEL.- Oh, yes, I dare say. She is engaged to me, and you
must permit me to object to your fondling her at your pleasure.
LEoNARD.-There are some insults that even a soldier of France
can't stand, and this is one of them. Have at thee, monster !
[Gives him one for himself.
COLONEL.-Ha! A blow! Seize him! [Soldiers seize him.
LEONARD.- Why, what have I done ?
COLONEL.-Away with him, and shoot him!
LEONARD.-Oh, Duchess di Rhona! My early, early playmate !
[They hurry him of.
ACT IV.-The Desert. EEnter ARARs and FIREFLY.
ALDARIM.-The Frankish dog has not returned with my child, so
the woman he bravely loft as hostage shall die.
ALL.-It is just! [They are about to stab her.
ALDARIM.- Stay! A death by stabbing were far too easy and
merciful. Tie her to yon tree with a handkerchief, while we retire
and ponder on our vengeance.
[They tie her to a tree with a cotton hasidkerchirf, and extent.
FIREFLY.- How to break the irresistible bond that holds me prisoner.
Ha! My trained Etna, with his wonderful Horse Effects !
Enter Etna, the pink-eyed horse. He unties the slip-knot, and FIREFLY
is free.
FIRErLY.-Free! Free! Away to other climes! But first, my Etna,
ring the belfry bell, that the Arabs may know that I am going.
[Etna rings bell.
Enter ARABS, FIREFLY Votents Etna, shoots all the Arabs and escapes.
LAST SCENE.- The Falls of Arena. (JoHNsON.)
PEOPLE BEHIND.- Hold him back! Don't let him rush on!
Enter SOLDIERs and LEONARD, a prisoner.
LEONARD.- And I am to be shot for thrashing my commanding
officer. I have said a good deal of clap-trap in the course of the piece
about the admirable treatment French soldiers receive at the hands of
their superiors, and I have often compared their happy condition to
the miserable existence passed by our British troops, but I begin to
think I was mistaken.
COLONEL.-Shoot him!
ALL.-We will!
COLONEL.-At a yard and a half. Ready! Present-
Enter FsEFrLY, just in time.
FIREFLY.-Hold!
COLONEL.-Why ?
FIREFLY.-I don't know!
COLONEL.-Ha I The forest is on fire! [So it is.
FIREFrLY.-Indeed! Ha! the child in the hut!
[Rides up rake to hut at back of stage. A child is obligingly handed out
to her at the end of a pole by some devoted creature within. FIREFLY
returns, and presents the child to the Soldiers of .France.
ALL.-Hurrah I
The Curtain falls, and LEONARD GRANTLa (we hope) is-shot forthwith.
OURSELVEs.-The piece is terrible trash; but it is expensively
mounted, and is illustrated by some excellent scenery. The last scene
(by Ma. JoHNsoN) is especially good. Miss SAwDFOn is an accom-
plished equestrian, and her horse is remarkably well trained. A word
of praise for MR. EnoAR, who played Colonel Durand very effectively.
He seems to know how a uniform should be worn.









FUN.


A BROAD DISTINCTION.
.Dustman :-" WHERE AM I A-GOIN' ? To THE HOPERER-MT MISSUS HAS
GOT A STALL THERE."
Sceptical Friend :-" OH, An GET OUT "
Dustman (naturally indignant) :-" TELL YER SHE HAS THE APPLE STALL
JUST OUTSIDE THERE."


OUR DERBY TIP.
WE hasten to assure the numerous correspondents, who have
written to thank us for giving them the correct tip for the Derby,
that although they are good enough to offer us a share of their
winnings we must decline to profit in any way by our prophetic skill.
So long ago as two weeks before the Derby, while the ordinary
turf-tipsters were beating about the bush we distinctly told our
readers "Pretender will win "-vide page 96. NICHOLAs, himself the
biggest pretender living, displayed on his watch chain a locket bearing his
own initial in that character-P., which has been the cue for many a
wiser and bettor man. The ass in the lion's skin, typifying Pretender,
was first and foremost in the Old Man's Hieroglyphic, an indication
aboutwhich there was no possible uncertainty. Moreover, we warned our
readers that Pretender had pretensions not pretences, in Momus's tip
and said that the winner must be "more than Pero," thus indicating
the second also. But we need not enlarge on the subject. We never
prophesy except on a certainty, and we are invariably right, more or
less.

By Gums !
A DENTIST advertises "Painless Tooth Extraction." No inducement
to us-our painless teeth are far too precious to be parted with.


glsfiatr a strspoxd
[ We cannot return unaccepted MS8. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
Se'ponsible for loss.]
J. E. (Walsall).-Would you know what the editorial authority has done
with your witticism P We can only reply in the words of your own Hint
to woodcutters."
TIT (Gray's).-As your tit is clearly no Pegasus, he must be turned out
to gray's.
H. J. P.-Lord Chelmsford.
G. A. (Kensington).-See our rules, which we do not care to suspend for
those who are too careless to read them.
A. L. (Liverpool).-Your absence in America is your only excuse for
considering that dreadful old joke about "head-scenter a novelty.
W. A. N. (Putney).-The sketch shall be returned if you will send a
stamped and directed envelope.
Declined with thanks:-T. A., Todmorden; S. R.; Rio; Bedmunds;
E. E. W.; Nemo; Foozle; Fama semper viret; R. P.; J. F. ; P., Burges;
T., Nottingham; Pabletta; Done Brown; W. T.; H., Paddington-street;
T. D., Hartlepool; S., York-road; 'Old Soldier; F. R. C.; Rum'un;
T. T. S.; Fluffy; T., Leeds; Liverpool Charlie; M. W., Birmingham;
Pips; A Derby Dog; S. S, Dalston; T. N., Manchester; Peter the
Grater.


SUITS FOR ALL OCCASIONS, 42s. TO 114s.
IN STOCK FOR IMMEDIATE USE, OR MADE TO MEASURE.


SAMUEL BROTHERS,


50, LUDG-A.TE


fI-mLsI. .


Printed by .TUDD & GLASS Phwonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Deoctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Jane 5, 1869.


[JuNE 5, 1869.


COURTESY.
ToM RoEmsox and I at school
To be polite were made-
(Five shillings extra was the rule,
And this our parents paid.)
All usages of courtesy
Were on our minds engraved;
Until, at last, we got to be
Extremely well-behaved!
"No one e'er lost," they'd often quote,
From having been polite;"
And sometimes told an anecdote
To prove that they were right.
They told us how a man bow'd low-
Which made him not so tall-
An act of courtesy, and so
Escaped a cannon ball !
How one a stranger to his pew
Invited; and soon found
A legacy became his due
Of many thousand pound.
A quantity of stories such
As these, they told us then;
To teach us we should do as much
When we were grown up men.
At last to school we bade adieus,
And life's adventures sought;
And then endeavoured to make use
Of what we had been taught.
Whate'er adventure TOM befell
A thousand 'twas to one,
It always surely turned out well
For pleasure, good, or fun !
But Fortune never to me stuck,
And in all sorts of shapes,
When ROBINSOn got all the luck,
Got me in all the scrapes!
I now distrust all courtesy,
Its object who can say ?
Some covert reason there may be
Which you will know one day !
To this all my experience goes-
Politeness serves no ends-
Treat everybody as your foes
Until they prove your friends.








JUNE 12, 1869.]


F U.N.


137


A Very Bad Case. An Abuse of a Boon.
KNUMSCULL is dreadfully stupid! He would insist upon it the other OLD Curmudgeon gloats over the prospect of an umbrageous seat on
day that Physical Geography meant a knowledge of the effect of the Thames Embankment-pictures himself walking down with his
medicine on one's stomach-ache-reage. camp-stool and-taking umbrage.


Caught Tripping.
WE must confess
Bradshaw is not in-
teresting reading.
We never met with
anybody who had
read it all through
and could tell us how
it ended. Perhaps it
is not finished yet,
and the denouement
will be the clearing
up of the difficulties
of the London, Chat-
ham, and Doverr
who will marry and
live happily ever
after.
However, if Brad-
shaw is not sensa-
tional enough, we
have got a sensation
or two out of a little
yellow pamphlet, is-
sued by the Great
Western Railway,
under the attractive
title, Programme of
Tourist Arrange-
ments. The Great
Western! It
breathes Of the
west -of the west,
of the land of the
free"--of Devon and
Cornwall and of
Wales. It also, we
find, lays some of its
scenery in Derby-
shire and Yorkshire,
and even Scotland,
though that occurs
near the end of the
work, and wehaven't
read quite so far yet.
Well, of 'all the
works in circulation,
give us this. little
treatise and a
monthly tourist
ticket-and we'll ab-
jure all other litera-
ture, turn over no
leaves save green
ones, and shun all
covers save those
drawn (and design-
ed) by 'fox-hunters.
Some people will tell
you it is wicked to
be idle -we only
wish we could so be
"caught tripping."

THE MOTTO OF THE
R.A.'s.-" Let our-
selves be hung-and
let the outsiders be
hanged!"


A HINT FOR HORTICULTURISTS.
Tourist:-"I SAY, OLD CHAP, S'POSE YOU THINK YOU'VE MADE THE MOST 0' THAT
GARDEN. WHY DIDN'T YOU STAND IT UP ON END AND PLANT ON BOTH SIDES ?"


A Morassinine
Proceeding.
THE leader of the
Opposition, not con-
tentwith conducting
his party into "a
Serbonian bog" by
his baleful and un-
certain glimmer, has
in his policy about
the Irish Church
Bill led them into a'
worse than Ser-
bonian bog-gle.

A Geographical
Miled One.
IT is a strange
contradiction to the
ordinarily" nipping
and eager air of the
Highland Scot, that
when he gets hold
of an island in a
"loch," he takes
only an "inch out
of the ell-he-meant.

A 'Fernal Joke.
When a botanist
is in pursuit of a
specimen of Agrostes
may we describe him
as following hisbent,
without being ac-
cused of a humorous
turn ?

Wall-eyed Wis-
dom.
To judge from the
good pictures they
rejected, and the bad
ones they hung the
R.A.'swould seem to
have been guided by
the old saying, Let
the weakest go to
the wall !"

Hue and Cry-tic.
AN art-critic of
our acquaintance
was askedhis opinion
about one of
MADAME RACHEL'S
chefs d'oauvre, who
was attired in the
height (?) of fashion
at the opera. His
commentary was
too much body
colour."

THE RIGHT Ebnq.
-In MRa. BInWN-
ING'S latest work.


Live and Learn. quarterly an "Index to the Times," at the price of ten shillings. We
WE are under a deep sense of obligation to the Times. That are disillusionnes. Hitherto we have been under the firm belief that
estimable journal (" widely-circulated and valuable are used-up the real Times index was the drift of public opinion.
phrases), of May 20th, after modestly quoting a saying of Sim CORNE-
WALL LEWIS, that "the future historian would seek his materials in An Is-mail-icious Remark.
the columns of the Times," goes on to inform the public that M. n Is-a
PALMER, bookseller, of Catherine-street, Strand, a "benefactor" of THE Viceroy of Egypt says that the coiffures of ladies in the English
"coming FROUDES and MAOAULAYS," has for some time past published opera make him fancy himself in a Hair-em.

yOL. ix. N


137







138 F U N [Jvc, 12, 1869.


FUN OFFICE, Wednesday, J.une 9th, 1869.
S RI. MOTLEY has arrived. But wemust cry, "Ware Motley !"
until we learn definitely whether his wear is only the garb of
a jester, or the costume of one clothed with authority. MR.
RE.V.nv JoHasoN was believed to be duly accredited, but the
Americans were only making April fools both of him and of us. We
must take care that they do not repeat the joke.
If Ma. MOTLEY be the authorized agent of the United States he has
a ticklish task to perform The empty bluster of Yankeedom.has been
so over-inflated by the "gassing" of MR. SUMNER (to use a Trans-
atlantic figure) that it has broken loose like the Captive Balloon. The
real. ex-captive or escapetive balloon has been recovered. But it will
be no easy matter for MR. MOTLEY to bring the hullaballoon to its
bearings. It will have to come-down considerably before he can hope
to twine the English and American strands into the old bond of friend-
ship, so severely has it been strained by the frantic behaviour of his
national balloon. At present there is such a touch of lunacy in the
bluster about the Alabama claims that we should suggest the cashiering
of Yankee Doodle and Hail Columbia," and the promotion to the
post of national anthem of--
Up in a balloon, boys, up in a balloon
Carrying the stripes and stars,
And- governed by the moon!

IT is with the greatest pleasure that we record the success so far of
the efforts made by the Committee of the Supplementary Exhibition
to give the public an opportunity of judging of the cliqueism or
jealous fear which has led to the exclusion of so many good pictures
from Burlington House. It will be found that by a curious chance
there are several cases in which comparisons may be closely drawn
between works in the Academy and works rejected by it and taken to-
Bond-street. In one instance, particularly, that of a processional
* picture, we have no hesitation in saying that the painting in the Supple-
nmentary Gallery is far superior in originality as in art, to that exhibited
at the Academy by the pupil of one of the hangers.
We would recommend the public by no means to omit a perusal of
Ma. GtULLICK's pamphlet, The RoyalAcademy, the Outsiders, and therress.
Although we do not agree with him entirely on art-matters, we cor-
dially approve of his view of the injustice committed under the pro-
tection of the Academy, and of the remedies he suggests. He has gone
thoroughly into the matter, and argues the case exhaustively, and with
mathematical proofs. He has calculated how many works each R.A.
has sent, how much wall-space and of what quality they occupy, how
long the judges gave to the inspection of each picture sent in (less than
twenty seconds! ) with much more calculation and information of great
interest.
The British public loves fair play. The Royal Academy is incapable
of showing it, but a number of gentlemen have with no possibility of
fee or reward put themselves to trouble and inconvenience to see that
our young artists shall have it. We are sure the public will support
'them.

WINGED WORDS.
ON FRIDAY, the 11th, St. James's Hall will boast the doable attrac-
tion of MRs. STIRLING's reading and Miss EDITHm WYNNE'S singing.
The Tempest is the play selected, and the whole is under the direction
of Ma. KINGSBURY.
We have great pleasure in announcing that Mn. H. J. MONTAGUE
will give a reading at the Hanover Square Rooms, on the afternoon of
the 12th. His selection from SwaKSPEsAE, HooD, DicEaNs, TENNY-
SON, and others, is peculiarly happy; and the public cannot fail to give
ample support to so popular a favourite.

Pot and Kettle.
THE Saturday Review has indulged in a violent pitch-in, directed
against puffing advertisements. Aquila not capit muscas-No! we
don't mean that; but a blue-bottle should not prey on flies." What
does the Saturday Review think of this ?
TrHE GIRL OF THE PERIOD.-A few Copies of the Number of the SATURDAY
REVIEW, containing the Article on the Girl of the Period," may be obtained
at the Office, 38, Southampton Street, Strand, W.C., at One Shilling per Copy.
We wonder how the "advertising tradesmen" whom the Saturday
denounces as the demi-monde of trade, aind as nuinAhces vulgar and
hideous, like being abused like this in columns which their advertise-
ments contribute largely to support,


TWENTY-FOUR PORT.
An Eclogue for the Economical.
IT drank not the dew of Hymettus, it grew
In no vineyard Falernian of Flaccus;
It fed not the flame of the fair Lesbian dame,
It maddened no mEcnad of Bacchus:
It was pressed at the Cape of Good Hope, was the grape
(Of the Spanish a far-removed cousin),
Which the Dutchman supplies, and the Britisher buys
At twenty-four shillings a dozen.
Ho! a bumper of Twenty-four Port!
I will gratefully moisten my throttle,
With what merchants define as a very sound wine,
But will go on improving in bottle."
It ran not in sweet ripples round the white feet
Of laughing girls," videe "Horatius "),
No -the feet were not white, they were innocent quite
Of water or ought saponaceous!
From broad bullock-runs Afric's sable-skinned sons,
Swinkt, weary at evening came home,
And by tens and by twelves dipped their feet and themselves
In the winevat's refrigerant foam !
Ho a bumper, &c.
Acknowledge I must that it boasts of no crust,
That it isn't "full-bodied" or fruity,"
Its tone is but poor, and its age immature,
But it pays.a mere nominal duty;
In the glass as-It glows, though the connoiseur's nose
No exquisite bouquet discern,
Yet a shilling 'tis plain on each dozen he'll gain
If -the bottles he duly return.
Ho! a bumper, &c.
All! Dives, the deuce, you must pay for that juice,
Which JoHAienr BE.G's vintage distils ;
Too soon in the suite of YQUEM and LArITTE
Come Logwood and Gooseberry's bills !
Your butler may prig and clandestinely swig,
Your raciest, driest, and best;
But butler I'v-e none, and methinks had I one,
My .cellar he'd seldom molest!
Then, ho! for cheap port! Bring me some of that sort!
I will gratefairymioisten my throttle,
With what merebalts define as "a very sound wine,
unt will go on improving in bottle! "


Line upon Line.
THE vanity of men of science is really surprising! Here is Do.
WALLNER, according to the Soientific .Rview, claiming all the merit of
a new discovery because he says:- .
That when he passed repid discharges from a Leyden jar through an ordinary
Geissler's tube, and examines the light witi-the spectroscope, he finds that if the
length of the discharge is increased a little, the sodium line appears, and with a
proper length of discharge, exceeds in brilliancy the spectrum of the gas in the tube.
bystill increasing the length of the discharge, a calcium line is produced with
such intensity that it cannot be better seen by any other method. If the lngth of
the discharge be now again increased, thelight in the tube assumes a dazzling
splendour, the calcium line forms a continuous brilliant spectrum, in which the
spectroscope reveals a completely black lise in place of the sodium line. The author
looks upon this as the artificial productidnofa Fraunh6fer line.
The author seems to think he has done something very novel and
original in the artificial production of a Fraunhdfer line! The absence
of SIB MORTON PETO on the continent to doubt prevents his writing a
crushing answer to the Sieontifi R*viecM How about the artificial
production of a London, Chatham aund Dover Line-years ago!

De Lunatico.
"THE Man in the Moon," we are informed in an ancient rhyme,
"came down too soon to ask his way to Norwich." That must have
been a very long time ago, for the recent disclosures, before the com-
mittee for trying the Norwich election petition, would seem to indicate
that his services have been fully appreciated there for many years.
But this time he did not burn his mouth, but his fingers.

Litera Scripta.
WE observed an odd misprint the other day. A speaker, on the Irish
Church question we think, was reported to say Beggars cannot be
chousers." We should think the Mendicity Society could disprove this
statement with great ease.








F U N".-JuNE 12, 1869.


-7-----^-


I


Iii.
-___ ;J K
f p
A'
-y


4'W


UP IN A BALLOON!

Mr. R. Johnson (to Mr. Mothy):-" AH, I THOUGHT SUMNER WAS 'GASSING' IT A LITTLE TOO STRONG. I DON'T SEE HOW YOU
WILL GET IT DOWN AGAIN."


*s




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