Front Cover
 Title Page
 September 12, 1868
 September 19, 1868
 September 26, 1868
 October 3, 1868
 October 10, 1868
 October 17, 1868
 October 24, 1868
 October 31, 1868
 November 7, 1868
 November 14, 1868
 November 21, 1868
 November 28, 1868
 December 5, 1868
 December 12, 1868
 December 19, 1868
 December 26, 1868
 January 2, 1869
 January 9, 1869
 January 16, 1869
 January 23, 1869
 January 30, 1869
 February 6, 1869
 February 13, 1869
 February 20, 1869
 February 27, 1869
 March 6, 1869
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00015
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00015
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page iii
        Page iv
        Page 5
    September 12, 1868
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    September 19, 1868
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    September 26, 1868
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    October 3, 1868
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    October 10, 1868
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
    October 17, 1868
        Page 55
        Page 56
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
    October 24, 1868
        Page 65
        Page 66
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
    October 31, 1868
        Page 75
        Page 76
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
    November 7, 1868
        Page 85
        Page 86
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
    November 14, 1868
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
    November 21, 1868
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
    November 28, 1868
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
    December 5, 1868
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
    December 12, 1868
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
    December 19, 1868
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 153
        Page 154
    December 26, 1868
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
    January 2, 1869
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
    January 9, 1869
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
    January 16, 1869
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
    January 23, 1869
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
    January 30, 1869
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 216
    February 6, 1869
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 226
    February 13, 1869
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 236
    February 20, 1869
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
    February 27, 1869
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
    March 6, 1869
        Page 257
        Page 258
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 263
        Page 264
    Back Cover
Full Text

OU v









U N would meet the new Parliament!
The good news was whispered far and wide. It flashed
beneath the sea through a thousand cables, and careered over
the land on a myriad posts, telegraphic as well as general !
The public were delighted. Each separate elector, new
or old, felt that his efforts at the late election were ratified by
Sthe recognition which FUN was about to bestow on the now
The members were in a great state of excitement. Some
who were for the first time about to enter the Chamber of
Legislature trembled to think how greatly the effect of such a
new sensation would be enhanced by the presence of the great
With the sensitiveness of great' natures, FUN, who had
walked to the House with the new Premier, waited for a moment
at the door to exchange a few words with the venerable door-
keeper, in order that Mr. GLADSTONE'S reception might not be
merged in the ovation certain to be offered to His Funship.
But as soon as the cheers had somewhat subsided, he glided up
the chamber, and slid his hand into the arm of his respected
friend and coadjutor.
When FUN was thus observed supporting the now Prime
Minister the uproar became terrific; cheer followed upon cheer;
and even the SPEAKER might have been observed throwing up
his hat and wig with an air of delight, in which dignity was
blended with enthusiasm.
As soon as the QUEEN'S Speech had been delivered, FUN,
at the special and urgent request of the Lower House, returned
to the Commons, and with his accustomed urbanity consented
- __i_ to give them a little brief advice.

The estimates for the coming year must be kept down.
The efficiency of the services must be kept up. The public pocket must be spared. With a view to this I shall send copies
of my journal to you, gratis, feeling compelled to decline the honour you have expressed yourselves so anxious to do me of
taking it in at the public expense as likely to exercise a beneficial effect over Her Majesty's House of Commons."
Our relations with foreign Powers are friendly, and are likely to remain friendly as long as they continue so. But not


1, J


a minute longer. I think, however, that at any rate as far as Greece and Turkey are concerned, we shall have no more
With regard to our negotiations with America about the Alabama Treaty, I think we have gone quite half way to meet
the United States. If they choose to decline our terms, I don't think we need to trouble our heads any more about them, but
may leave them to their own tarnally catawampus'd devices.
I regret that there are disturbances in New Zealand; but I think the colony is big enough to look after itself. Besides,
if we send out an energetic and active man he will be prosecuted by the Jamaica Committee on his return, and then we should
have to hang-the Jamaica Committee, which one does not want to do.
The condition of Ireland is the first thing you have to attend to. I need not advise you on that point, for you have in the
new Premier the great master of the question, who will teach you. Only mind you do as he bids you.
There has been a good deal of bribery and treating at the last election. You must look to it-and while you are doing it,
you may as well extend the remedies to municipal elections, which are always corruptly, venally, and disreputably con-
You will also be good enough to turn your attention to the question of Education. A great many of you must know from
personal experience how much it is required.
The compound householder's grievances, the control of county rates, -and some mlchandeded amendments of the Bankruptcy
Law will be brought under your consideration. Be good enough to give them your best attention.
Finally, don't talk too much, and work too little. Try to squabble as seldom as possible, and don't call names. And for
this session especially strive to divest yourselves of bigotry and party spirit. On your cond et, and on that alone, depends the
continuance of my esteem.
Once more the House re-echoed to the shouts of its jubilant members.
But when the new Premier issued from the Palace of Westminster, carrying beneath his arm a volume which assured the
British public that he had been favourably received by the great ErNs, and was about to study his teaching, a roar of
delight went up that quite eclipsed the shouts of Collective Wisdom. And no wonder, for the mighty work which the
new Prime Minister bore was

ivy cffgly Wvume ,of ft gays gtrits of jn.


From the Old Chronicles.

HE first English monarch called PETER,
Was one whom the people revered.
No king e'er in temper was sweeter-
No king e'er in toilet was neater;
In fact, a superior creetur
Was PETER THE FIRST as I've heated.
The king had a champion doughty,
(Tn the cut he looks stumpy and stouty,
His vizor too makes him seem snouty,
While his knee-pieces make him seem gouty-
But he was a hero of fame)
Your history (unless you have lent yours)
Will tell he was bound as a lad
To a builder of Railway Debentures,
But when he was through his indentures,
He started in quest of adventures:
In those days the regular fad.
With manners superbly defiant
On his errand this warrior sped:
And he challenged a twenty-foot giant,
Who appeared on his height too reliant,
For SIR ROOSTER was active and pliant,
And cut off his obstinate head!
This too-sanguine and blundering ogre
With one, whom it is not polite
To name, was what's styled a colloguer
: By BOUCICAULT, famed as a broguer
(If I don't about Arrah na Pogue err)-
And boasted of magical might.
He had built him a castle enchanted
Befitting a giant of note,
And there you may take it for granted
SThe monster at times gallivanted
I With damsels, whom captives he planted
In dungeons down under the moat.


But SIR ROOsTER released them, delighted,
And then became captive in turn
Of a damsel, whose beauty excited
Such flames in his bosom benighted,
That his faith to her promptly he plighted-
And she in exchange gave him hem.
But, alas, for the hapless StR ROOSTER!
To PETER'S gay Court when he came
To that monarch when he introduced
And explained how from prison he loosed
Her looks did the heart of the goose stir-
KINO PETER, the first of that name.
And the monarch behaved rather meanly,
For he tipped the fair damsel a wink, .
Who guessed what the meaning was
And dazzled by prospects so queenly,
Throw over SIR ROOSTER serenely
Who gave himself straightway to drink.
For a moral this but an excuse is
(I have really no morals to spars)
That to rival a king little use is-
That inconstancy female the deuce is-
That a true lover's knot a slip noose is-
And that this is absurdity. There !

Worthy of Mint-ion.
SIMKINS sports a spade guinea at the end of
his watch-guard. ToMKINs isenvious threat,
and twits him with being out of the fashion,
as sixpences are most worn just now.




[SEPTEMBER 12, 1868.


HE contest between the cabs and the companies
still continues, and "cabby" is hardly getting
fair play at the hands of 'the press. He has
unfortunately adopted a policy which converts
the public into a buffer between himself and
Si the railways; and the public does not like
the position, and consequently there is a
feeling against cabby, and his claims are not
impartially considered. Great stress is laid
on the fact that the companies are careful in seeing that the cabs they
privilege are good. The statement has been received from the com-
panies unquestioned; but I will venture to say that were the evidence
of railway travellers taken, it would be found in a large number of cases
that the cab service was anything but good. I can only say that last
week I travelled in the slowest and worst-driven Hansom I ever entered
-and it was a privileged cab. The fact is, that so long as the com-
panies get the money, they are not very particular how the public are
served. We know how much they care for the public! I think it is
a pity cabby cannot find out some policy by which he would gain the
sympathies of the public. .What do the proprietors say to carrying
the war into the enemy's country, by starting cheap conveyances from
the suburbs to compete with the high fares on the railways ? They
have undertaken to support the drivers on strike, and this would be a
means of employing them. Let the public keep one thing in mind-
if cabby is inconveniencing them, the companies never scruple to do
the same when it suits them; so no sympathy and support need be
wasted on them-the common enemies.
THE apotheosis of the Railway Director is a very mild affair after all.!
Ma. WATEn,0of the South-Eastern Railway, has achieved knighthood,
but it is no more than the grocer or c.ther lading shopkeeper of a
small town, whereof he happens.to be Mayc'r when Royally visits it,
has won times and often. Knighthood has long ceased to be an
honour, so that it suffers no.diminution of dignity in.being.conferred
on a gentleman who has done nothing to deserve distinction. For
what has M1. WATKXn done? He has risen from an'inferior position
on a northern railway to the not very enviable notoriety of the chair-
manship of the South-Eastern. He has made a fortune out of rail-
ways to be sure-and that is what few have managed to do-at least,
few except directors, contractors, and promoters Well, nobody
grudges him the satisfaction of seeing Sir" before his name, if it be
a satisfaction. To most people it would seem an insult to be offered a
knighthood, but the directorial mind ic no doubt differently constituted.
I think it is probable that if one did not mind being indebted for
wealth to those whom the South-Eastern chairman describes as "the
poor shareholders who have made everybody's fortune but their own,"
one would not be too proud to accept knighthood. I imagine the
good people of Stockport are not overpleased at the news. They will
no doubt guess the services for which the Tory Premier rewards their
Liberal representative. They do not forget the amendment proposed
by MA. WATKIN on MR. GLABSTONE'S Irish Church resolutions-an
amendment with which, however, he was not so desperately enamoured
that he could not withdraw it at their wish. If the Stockport electors
connect Sit E. WATKIN'S knighthood with that abortive attempt to
injure the Liberal party, they are not the men I take them to be if he
ever has the chance of injuring it again as their representative.
THE Broadway, at a shilling, must take the place of honour this
month, even though the proprietor, startled by a little honest criticism
on the last number, has declined to send it us. The new wrapper is
telling, if not pleasing; it will catch the eye, as ME. HARRY ROGERS
no doubt designed; his instructions probably being to that effect, for
he can design admirably. The engravings are worse than they were
in the sixpenny form. That to MR. KINGSBLE'S story has had all the
character cut out of it. That to MRs. CUDLIP's has been so badly en-
graved that the engraver has suppressed one-third of the artist's initials,
and omitted his own entirely. And the printing of these and of Ma.
HARIIsoN WEIa's Partridge Shooting," the only good block in the
number, is execrable. The portrait of "Rouher" is good, but no
better than-and very like, too-the portraits of favourite divines in
the Christian Times. The literary matter shows how sorely the maga-
zine needs competent editing. Mt. KINGsLEY and MR. JAMES HANNAY
do well to sustain the first flight of the new venture, though the former
falls into an odd jerky style not familiar to the readers of 2Macmillan.
MR. LOC ER has done himself an injustice in publishing his lines On
an Old Buffer," and the revered name of BARRY CORNWALL silences
criticism about Verses in My Old Age." "Whispers of Heavenly
Death," by WHITMAN, the Transatlantic TurPER, though "written
expressly for this magazine," as the editor is careful to explain in a
note, is hopeless and purposeless twaddle. The contribution of the
REV. NEWMAN HALL may pair off with Mr. WHITMAN'S prose broken
into a canter "-no editor with a literary reputation at stake would

have printed it. What is there left to criticise ? An article on the
French Corps Legislatif, by an American, very interesting to English
readers! A paper on partridge-shooting, over which, if they meet
with it, partridge-shooters may spend a few minutes pleasantly before
dropping into an after-dinner nap. Two padding papers-one on the
volunteer crisis and one on LORD NAPIER, which contains little more
than the unpretentious but exhaustive DzEBnTT has already told
us-in quite as good English. Is there anything else? Yes I An
editorial note--dpropos of nothing perceptible to the reader of -this
number-that Miss A. B. EuwAans desires us to state, that her
Christian names are AMELIA BLANDFORD and not AMELIA BETHAM."
This may amuse readers in these days when acrostics another puzzles
are popular. As compared with the other shilling magazines in size,
even taking its double columns into consideration it is meagre in
quantity and in quality. Although as I have said it contains one
or two excellent things it has been for want of competent editing
overweighted by padding of an inferior description. As a sixpenny it
had a good start, and circumstances had of late given it a wider, field;
as a shilling magazine it tails off terribly.
Londan Society is excellent this month. The shorteomings:of'the
first full-page cut are overbalanced by the grace and~,hi of thednitial
opposite, wherein shy ConRDOd is giving shyer PHYLLIs a nudge; and
the illustrations to Warriors at Wimbledon" and "a Militia. Train-
ing" (and. those two articles), may well carry-the rest of the-nnmber,
" Two Hours in Gaol by MR. ,JA;s GaRxNWooDn.1s andartiullehat
stirs the sympathies as Ma. GREENWOODn'S writing always d6es08; "The
Voice behind the Shutter is neat and musical, andMiMa. .SAVwms.s'
" Long Story" only wants one thing to makedit;perfeets-andheiiksows
what that is as well as I do l

Nowmuponthbeblist his name appeaMs:;
Wholes beeanusnbbed for many;smanyvyeasts;
They .who've had theprivilegp of old,
Oftimes -bartered for members gold.
Welcome to the suffrage himiiho. shares:
Maybe buts.little nook upstairs
1.-A dream of forcemeat and of lemon comes,
When this appears in nicely ordered homes;
When cold all special taste you'll surely miss,
I've heard it likened to a sister's kiss.
2.-Often has the mitre
Towered above a smiter
Of his foes;
This man in the battle,
Smote the Saxon cattle
Well, one knows.
3.-The deep-sea cable in some years, alack !
Was injured by this little thing's attack;
It pierced and bored with never-ceasing skill,
And in the end it had its wicked will.
4.-Enough is as good as a feast,
But I rather prefer, do you see,
Some six, or a dozen at least,
When I sit down to breakfast or tea.
5.-The grass in the days of October,
When leaves are all ashen and sober,
Is covered with this in the day-time,
As white as the hedges in Maytime.
6.-" And then he hitched his trousers up,"
As is, I'm told, their use;
It's very odd that men like this
Should wear those things so loose.
SOLUTION or AcRosTIO No. 77.-Harvest, Fulness: Half, Adieu,
Reel, Veteran, Endive, Success, Trumps.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No 77 :-Eliadarrob N; Sine Macula; Dagmar;
Mrs. D. Linmouth; Watts and Willes; Gena H.; Frank andMaria; Wallis; Old
Maid; A. Y.'Z.; Old Mortality; 2 Enterprising Earwigs; Perhaps; W. S. B.; Tiny
and Bill; Tib; the Rock : Tiny Di' ton ; Bwn of Ours; H. R. T.; Columbus; the
Braidless Maiden; Derfla and Ycul; Pipehop; Clara and Annie; Seloec; Craw
Castle; Betsy H.; Pompadour; Suffolk Dumpling; Bachelor's Buttons; Lively
Bob; Martha S. M.; Ruby's Ghost; Wee Pet; G. Tiverton; Totty; Sugar-dip;
Towhit; Gertrude and Blague; Llahtyrt; Con; Excelsior; Boy's Mother, D. E. II.;
Jacky; Bondellis; Owdashus Cuss.

Found at Last I
THE reason why the sapient directors of certain railway companies
have raised the fares ;-it must have been done to effect a clearance"-
of their passengers !

SEP11EMBER 12, 1 86&. F U N. Ti7i;~

Ir the public will take the trouble to examine the speeches of the
Directors at the Meetings of the Southern Railway Companies, they
will find that the directoral estimate of them is not very flattering.
The public have been petted too much-the carriages are too good
for third-class travellers," say the Directors. The testimony of
eminent medical men goes to prove that the jogglee" of the third-
class carriage is undoubtedly the frequent cause of injury to the spine
in the case of a regular traveller. But what do Directors care for
that ? They smash and kill us by the niggardly policy that wants
two men to do the work-of six at less thin the pay for one. Is it to be
expected that they -will, refrain from' making uncomfortable carriages
to drive people to pay higher fares-especially when the injury they
will thus inflict is. not of a kind for which compensation can be
claimed in a law-court ?
"The public grumble now, but they will do us justice by-and-by,"
say the Directors. And what they mean is plain enough. If there
had been no reporters present they would have said, The public are
such fools that.in spite of their present grumbling they will fall into
their old habits and come back to us again at the increased fares."
Yes! The Directors have a profound contempt for the public! The
public are fools soon parted from their money, according to the direc-
torial view of human nature. Why the Directors must think them
next door to idiots, if they hope to deceive them by the transparent.
twaddle about the increased advantages' attached to return tickets.
" My dear public," say the Directors, we may have raised your fares
slightly-but consider!- We have made return tickets taken on
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, available on the Monday!" And so
they have; but in nine cases out of ten, where second and third class
are concerned, the return ticket is exactly double the single fare. They
have taken back with one hand the advantage held out in the other-
and they think the public are such-egregious fools'as'not todetect the
It rests with the public to-disprove'the theory of the Directors or to
accept it.

Tar PRINCE Op WALES (says a contemporary) is expected to -stay
with Sia WATKIN WYNNE at Wynnatay. He was, according to the
journal we quote, "expected at Wynnstay on Saturday." Of course,
this was nonsense. His Royal Highness could not arrive at Wynn-
stay till after Tuesday-obviously the week consists of Monday, Tues-
day, Wynnatay, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

.-- '

F all the snug places where hardworking races rush every summer,
a crop of 'em,
I think you will. own that delightful Boulogne may be said to
stand quite at the top of 'em.
It's conveniently near, and it's not over dear, so your purse won't want
much re-imbursing;
You can sit on a bench and learn howto speak French, just from hear-
ing the natives conversing.
It has balls and two piers, and plump British young dears, and sands,
theatre, picnics and races;
Then it's clean and it's bright, and, oh different quite to our common-
place watering-places !
It was once two days' sail, but the South-Eastern mail goes so quick
that it isn't thought, now, far.
You can say, too, you've been on the Continent seen-though, of
course, you need never say how far !
Though other towns can boast of crown,
I think you'll freely own,
For bathing rare, and breezy air,
There's nothing like Boulogne!

F you're nch in your taste,
you nan pull in your waist,
and imbibe, till all oon.
soiousness ceases,
Absinthe and Vermouth, with
the Boulonnaia youth,
and play billiards like
mad for frano pieces-
You can sit in a cafJ' with
gents rather raffy-a wood
in your teeth you can
make fat,
', And French traii.-ing to show,
take grapes, soup and
S, Bourdeaux at twelve
thirty, and call itabreak-

11 Or, if you incline to tea rather
than wine (British dishes
\ : your mind, perhaps, takes
S You will find over hero very
good bitter boor, and
chops, buns, and roast
beef, and rump steaks, too!
You can row, fish, or ride, or go bathing beside, in a dress rather given
to ripping,
Or sit down on the pier, which costs nothing (not dear), and talk out,
like a tar, on the shipping
Though other towns can'boast of crowns, &o.

NID although it seems strange, and beyond British
range, to behold in all decentish weather,
g \ Pretty modest young maids and tall strapping
young blades side by Bide in the water
Yet we soon get to see, though startling it be,
we need find no important alarm in it-
For they manage it so that in couples they go,
and there's sorrow a tittle of harm in it.
Each girl wears a dress that a. prude would
confess is most proper to wear, and each
In a striped trowser-shirt, which fits tight (but
don't hurt) like a fisher's in MASANIULLo.
They splash and they plunge, and they dive
and they lunge, and they float and they
jump,,and they dance, they do;
Forinall bathing matters they beat us to tattors-
~i pThey manage them better in France, they
db !
Though other towns chn boast of crowns, &o.
HIM RHE Etablissemont balls, and the dresses and
'' shawls, and the brandy-they've always
the best of it;
The marvellous dresses, the yellow dyed
tresses, vandyked petticoats, and the rest
of it.
Those old dogs of nineteen, who the world
-' must have seen, they so patronise, cherish,
S\\ .. Th and foster us;
Those reckless nerve-shockers, in gay knicker-
^.t ..-^--- '^ bookers, and legs which are simply pre-
Then the brave fisher girls, in their earrings and curls, and their
smiles when you go to buy shrimps of 'em;
And their marvellous legs, like mahogany pegs, and their wonderful
caps and the crimps of 'em !
And their singular talk as together they walk-never linguist attained
at the' ease of them-
And their jackets in stripes, and their crosses and pipes, and their
petticoats down to the knees of them!
Though other towns can boast of crowns, &c.

Accipe Hawk! *
A CONTEMPORARY says, We are informed that the Champagno
Hawking Club is broken up." Well, we don't wonder at it, for we
should think that hawking champagne was not a very remunerative
trade-a awkward business in fact. A license to sell beer and ale
to be drunk on the premises seems better than such a hawker's licens,..
Qury by P. D.-Should not this be accipiter, hawk."

8 NTJ [SEPTEMBER 12, 1868.

WHO would not go to Sevenoaks such lovely weather as this ? The
glorious old park at Knole looks its best when Autumn commences
to lay her palette with crimsons and russets, purples and ambers. If
you cannot get as far as the yellow sands just now, you can get as far
as the green beeches of Sevenoaks! It lies within reach of the busy
Londoner who cannot snatch a long holiday. He can get a day in the
fresh country air, and make his escape from London smoke. It is to
be done pleasantly in a day !
But the expense Well, we don't recommend him to try the rail.
Sevenoaks is in the dominions of the Southern Railway Confederacy,
and on their lines nothing is cheap-except the wages paid to an over-
worked staff. The railways are a systematised highway robbery, so
the traveller had better take to the road!
Hark! Do you hear the twanging of a horn ? It sounds cheerfully
in the clear morning air. And now, if you listen, there grows on the
ear one of the most musical sounds you can hear-the rhythm of four
horses going well together. Alas, for the good old coaching days that
are gone!-the swing and rattle of a well-appointed team are as rare in
these days as any other good music.
But here they come! MR. HOARn'S Sevenoaks Coach is splendidly
horsed, and admirably driven; and if you want to enjoy your day in
Knole Park, there is no better way of taking it than m the form of a
sandwich-with the Park between the drive down and the drive up.
You'll go through as pretty scenery as you can get anywhere within
the same distance from town; and you'll bowl along over a good road
on a well-steered and comfortable coach, instead of being shaken along
in a stuffy first-class, or a jolting third-class railway carriage. And
what is more, you will get the greater enjoyment for the smaller cost,
with the additional satisfaction of snapping your fingers at greedy
railway'directors. It is not everywhere that you will have the oppor-
tunity of doing so, for there are few who have the pluck of Ma.
HOAnE to contend with railway monopoly, and fight the battle of road
against rail. It is a pity there are not more who are willing to carry
on the contest, for the generation that does not know the delights of

1 f r -f

i i'


sitting on a coach, behind four good nags, will lose a real pleasure.
Perhaps the greedy railway directors should get a share of our grati-
tude, because their present policy, if they will but persist in, will bring
back coaching-times. Why, Ma. HoA E's coach would beat them into
town now! Talk of the rapidity of steam traffic !-eight miles an
hour is as much as the London, Chatham, and Dover can manage, as
a rule. Yes, there is some good in greedy railway directors, just as
there is some good even in the most loathsome reptiles. Like toads,
they have something precious in their heads-a precious idea that they
can screw any amount of money out of the public ; and so they are
likely to bring back coaching-times.
Come and look how their trains are filling A dozen carriages-
and a dozen travellers. There are more porters than passengers. How
the poor fellows will get through the winter it is impossible to say: for
they cannot live on the pittance paid them by the companies, and there
are no gratuities now. How they all rush when they see the one
traveller come into the station! How the luggage-vans yawn, as if
with hunger, for his portmanteau and hatbox! How delighted the
guard looks, and how triumphantly the engine snorts, and how plenti-
fully it strews the path with votive blacks, in utter defiance of the
smoke-consuming clauses of the Consolidation Act of forty-five-a law
which has become practically a dead letter, thanks to a Railway House
of Commons.
Let us quit the echoing stations, the solitary wastes whereon no
creatures can exist save directors. We will go to the White Horse
Cellar, and there, if we are not too late to get places, we will mount on
the outside of the Sevenoaks coach, and have a glorious drive through
Surrey and Kent. Better far the twanging horn than the ear-piercing
steam whistle! Better the sway and swing of the coach than the
joggle of the train! Better the ringing rhythm of the rapid hoofs of
MR. HOARE'S splendid cattle than the grunting, puffing, and rattling
of the engine! Hurrah for the wide, white country roads, the plea-
sant old inns, the hedgerow elms! And good bye to foul tunnels and
dismal cuttings, to empty stations, and to monotonous telegraph posts!
Hurrah for Road versus Rail.
Now then, gentlemen, any more for the Sevenoaks coach P Up
you go-a cheery note on the horn, and we're off!

]F' TJ N..-SEPTEMBER 12, 1868.

[Vide Mr. Disraeli's Mansion House Speech.


SEPTEMBER 12, 1868.] IF JN .

I CAN'T say as I'm partial to them country-people, as is a unfeelin'
lot, for I'm sure the way as some of them labourers is treated down
Essex way is downright brutal, as is eat up with ague ; and there was
a party as lived down that way, and owned a deal of property, a-rollin'
in riches, as the sayin' is, if he didn't take and joke over it, a-sayin'
as they did ought tow drink a extra glass or two of port wine, as
couldn't get 'ardly food, poor creeturs, let alone wine or beer, and 'im
a-livin' on the fat of the land, and a-lookin' ready to bust with over-
eatin' and drinking' itselff.
It did-, make my blood bile for to see the way as they treated them
poor-creatutes as come a-haymakin' down in the country where Ivwas
onoe.atoppin', as was took bad through want many on 'em, not as it
were want as give that man the small-pox as were left a-laying on'the
pathwayby the works door, where he'd fell down with the eruption
out on 'im as thick as 'ail, as the sayin' is.
I'd. gone for to spend a few days with a old friend of mine, Mts.
MArns, as lives down there, and she took me for a walk the dayI was
a-goin' 'ome for to see the place arter tea, and we come on this poor
feller, as I see were small-pox in a instant. Poor MRS. MAINBs she
'urried on, and small blame to 'er, for she's got three small children
jest through the measles,, as she've come out of town with for change
of air.
So I looks about me, .and not seen' no one near, I rings that
works bell wiolent, and says to the party as opened it, as scowled atme,
I says, "Why ever don't youtakethis poor man in, and not let'im lay'ere,
on the ground a-ragin' withfever ?" The feller says, Mind your 6wn
business," and was a-goinhAto'"slam the door, but I was too quick for
'im, and put my umbreller inafore he could shut it. He tried'for to
kick it out, but only caught.'isself on the shin agin it, as made 'im
regular wild.
Jest then up come a youn'gyman as were the parish doctor, as said it
were disgraceful the way! as!the sick poor was treated. 'When that
feller at the door see 'im iheB ays; "The relivin' officer is sent to, and
as soon as 'is orders comewshe.ll be moved to the small-pox hospital. "
I says, "Will he ? Well,4then;' I says, "he'll most likely die on the
way; and if you don't:payf6r:itmyname aint BROWN." Says the
doctor, I only wish someone would appear and teach them guardians
a lesson, as is a flinty 'arted lot."
As we was talking' up come a cart and a order for that poor man to
be took to the hospital I says, You did ought to wrap 'im up in a
blanket or something." "We aint goin' to bring small-pox into the
Union all along of a tramp," says the porter. I says, And no
blame neither; but why aint you got a place a-purpose for sich cases,
as must happenn frequent when arrestt is about ? "
He didn't say nothing, but they lifted that poor creetur into the
cart; and it's lucky as I'd got a orange or two in my ridicule, as I'd
brought for MRs. MALINs's children, so I give 'em to 'im and off he
went. I didn't like to go back to Mas. MAuis's not direct, so
thought I'd walk about for a bit till it was time for the train as was
going 'ome that evening, and it was werry pleasant weather, and I'd
'ad my tea.
As I were a-walkin' along I come upon a poor man and woman
a-settin' by the roadside, and I tiever see anyone look wuss than 'or.
So I stops and asks 'er what the matter was ; she says as she was
that weak and ill as she couldn't stand.
I says, Why not go 'ome ? The man says, "We've got no 'ome,
as the landlord's been and turned us out on three days ago." Yes,"
says the woman, "and we can't get no relief from the parish without
I'm a-goin into the housee for work, as will be fourteenpence a-day, as
won't keep life and soul together, and there's many a beggar as can
pick up five or six shillings a day." Well, I give 'em a trifle, for I
see as they looked regular bad.
I walks on and comes to a farm'ouse as looked regular comfortable,
with a nice garden as I couldn't 'elp a-stoppin' to look at, and pushed
the gate the least bit, and jest then the farmer he come out at the
door, with a grey 'ead and a regular copper nose. I'd got a flower or
two in my 'and as MRs. MaiLus had picked for me. So he hollers to
me, "What business 'ave you a-trespassin' on my property and stealin'
my flowers P" I says, "I aint put my foot inside your property, nor
touched your flowers."
"Why," he says, "you've got 'em in your 'and now." I says, "I
pities your ignorance, as can't tell as these flowers 'as been gathered
a good hour." But," I says, you're a-getting old, and perhaps your
eyes is a-goin', but you might keep a civil tongue in your 'ead."
So he.says, "None of your impidence, or 11 lock you up." I says,
"Will you P? Jest dare to, and I'll make you repent it the longest day
as you lives, you old bully." I says, "Don't think as you're a-talkin'
to one of them poor tramps as you'd see drop dead at your door and
not give 'em a crumb."
He says, "If you don't go on I'll set the dogs at you." Well. I
didn't much like the idea of that, and know'd as them dogs is like
wild beasts, as'll worry anyone to death in no time, same as they've

been know'd to do the sheep. But I wouldn't give in, so I says, "If
one of your dogs touches me look out; and on I walks, and jest
then I heardd a dog begin for to bark and growl, and that old ruflian
began a-whistlin' to 'im, so I walks off as quick as ever I could, and
pretty soon heardd the dog a-coming arter me. There wasn't a housee
near, only the turnpike bar, as I 'urries on to a-ruannin' as fast as I
could, and that old feller bust out a-larfin'. The dog he were a-comin'
on full swing carter me, when that poor man as I'd see a-Betting by
the roadside come in sight, and in a instant he picks up a big stone
and sent it at that dog. I was that out of breath as I couldn't speak,
but sketched 'old of a post, and heardd a 'owl as wasn't no dog, but that
old brute as was a-coming 'obbling' on, and if the stone as that poor
man shied 'adn't missed the dog and ketched the old feller on the leg,
and down he went like a shot. So I says to the man, That's right,
that'll Vtop his dog; and so it 'ad, for the beast didn't seem to like
the stones and stopped.
The old man he got up and come thunderin' up, a-saying as he'd
give us both in charge and a flourishing' "is stick. I'd got my umbroller
grasped firm as he come up to me, so I says, "You look 'ere, if you
touch me with that stick of your'n I'll give you sich a topper with my
umbreller as you'll carry to your'grave with you."
Jest then one of them mounted perlice zomo by, and the old feller
began to, foam, and says he'd give, this man and woman in charge.
But; law bless you, that police quite smiled, for he see what was up,
and he says, "Really MR. GaoUres," as were this old feller's name,
' You did ought to know better .than to set your dog at anyone."
"O," I' says, 'is name's GiouNns is.it and you're a witness, perlice-
man, to 'is conduct, as 'ave, been a regular outrageous, and I'll
-punish 'im."
So the poor man he told me as he were one'of thbeguardians. I
says, "Oh, indeed;" and I says, You're a nice guardian of the
poor, yeo:are, .a I'll expose asamre as you live, you wile, wicked old
man,'as is two-thirds in the.grave a-ready, and a fit might take you
any minit."'
I see as I'd give 'imnat4rn, and he says, Perlice, stop this old
woman." I says, "That's not thetperlice's business, as'ave a right to
speak." He says, "You'll proweka me to strike you." I says, No
I shan't; you knows better than that, for I'd send you. to prison, as
wouldn't quite suit you, as live' too well at 'omo for that. But," I
says, you'd better take care, f6t too'much wittles is wuss than too
little, and I can see as you've gout a-flying about you."?'
He was that wild as he 'obbled back to 'is gate without another
word, and that stone 'ad woke 'im up a bit. So I give that poor man
a shilllin', as said he'd get back to town, and the perlico he rode on
a-larfin' at me a-talkin' to old GROUNDS.
I only called for my bag at Mus. MALINS'S gate, and wouldn't wish
the children good bye, and 'ome I went; but 1 must say as I do think
as them farmers is some on em no better than the eggss as they fattens,
though I 'ave knowed 'em worry good 'arted, as shows as there's good
and bad of all sorts.

AWAY to the stubble, no trouble
We grudge when there's game to be won;
The central-fire cartridge each partridge,
Will rue, ere-our shooting be done.
They've cut down the clover, moreover
The turnips are shocking this year;
Though coveys we scatter, what matter
We steadily fire in their rear.
And surely some victim, we pick'd him,
Who linger'd behind all the rest;
Will stop in his flying, and dying,
Sink down with the blood on his breast.
From morning till gloaming we're roaming,
And pleasant the lunch by the hedge,
With brandy diluted we're suited,
For yonder's a stream 'mid the sedge.
Then homeward well weary, yet cheery,
With talk of the sport and the day;
Oh pleasant September I Remember
St. Partridge, and hasten away !

Full Houses.
THE Surrey opens with a new piece by Mn. WATTs PHILLI's,
entitled Land Rats and Water Rats. The water rats, we presume, will
be miced, but the land rats won't be dry, so the management will nd
them (m)'ousers. of the fullest description. Your rat doesn't like
empty houses.



(In the Purely Natural Style.)
I'vE a cousin-a sweet little innocent thing
As was ever created, I'm sure;
She has come to ten summers (when Life's in the spring,
And when freshness alone is mature.)
T'other day my dear cousin lay reading in bed
With a view of enlarging her mind;
It was Mary and Florence" the little one read,
And what pleasanter tale can you find ?
She was deep in her study, when, lo and behold!
Came an insect and leapt on the page;
He was nimble enough and sufficiently bold
To appal any child of that age.
His exertions were great though his body seemed small,
As he wildly went hoppity hop:
And he did not respect punctuation at all,
For he never could come to a stop.
But the fears of my cousin gave way to her pride
(Though she did interjaculate ah!")-
So she slammed up her book, with its tenant inside,
And she handed that book to mamma.
Then she said to her parent-who listened in fear,
As all parents would probably do :
"Such a horrible wretch of a thing, mother dear,
And I think it's at page thirty-two !"

WHY is this question like the late Recorder of Maidstone ?-Because
it's a RIDDELL that's given up.

A Fishy Knighthood.
MaR. E. W. WATKIN, M.P., the notorious chairman of the South
Eastern has been gazetted. He is to receive knighthood. Everybody
is surprised and the universal question is why should a Conservative
Ministry confer knighthood on a Liberal whose public services are too
small to be seen with the naked eye. The Yarmouth Bribery Com-
mission supplies an answer. It stated that MA. WATIN "largely
contributed to the corruption of the borough in 1859," and to "the
degradation of the constituency in 1865." A Tory Government might
fairly knight one who has been such a credit to Liberalism.

Freshfields and Pastures New.
THREE members of the Alpine Club, MESSRS. FRBESHFIELD, MOORE,
AND TUCKER have been doing..more than thinking of the icy
Caucasus." They have visited the great chain and have ascended some
of its loftiest peaks. They describe the inhabitants as lawless and
rapacious "-nay more, "lazy, lying, and extortionate." The three
gentlemen may congratulate themselves that this is a free country. If
we had French laws here they might have to suffer for speaking thus
plainly-in fact, for making no Caucasian Mystery "-of the
character of a people, whom the Prime Minister regards with

For Auld Lang Syne.
MR. LAING has had a stormy meeting at Wick, and has been worsted
in a correspondence with MaR. McLENNAN, the Fisheries Secretary.
Nevertheless he believes that he will be again returned The fact is
that he has plenty of confidence, but it is his own, not that of the
electors, whom he has failed to convince that his return is an Auld
Laing sine qua non.


FT 1J [SEPTEMBER 12, 1868.


SEPTEMBER 12, 1868.]

FUN. 13

A BOOK SO plentifully and pleasantly illustrated, and so handsomely
got up as The Diamond on the Hearth (MESSRS. HOGG AND SON) by
MInS MARIAN JAMES, could hardly fail to be read, even did itnotpossess,
as it does, recommendations of its own. The writing is easy and
agree bible, and the tenor of the tale is natural and wholesome. We
have no sensation incidents in it to thrill readers into an appropriate
state of "goose's skin." Yet the interest is sustained evenly through-
out; and is the more pleasant for not being worked up by thrilling
jerks alternated by the long levels of dulness with which the sensation
story-teller obliges us.
It is many years sinee we read Miss JAMEs's Ethel, but if our im-
pression of that novel be correct, she is to be congratulated on maturity
of style. She is especially .to be praised for the elegance of her
English. She does not, like most lady writers, treat us to a solecism on
every-page: and for that she deserves the very highest commendation.
Slipshod English is the curse of the literature of the present day.
Journals of high position and writers of great reputed join in accus-
toming the people to "Housemaid's grammar" and the result cannot
but be the ultimate deterioration of English, and the degradation of
We have also received.,samples of MEssns. HOULSTON AND WRIGHT'S
Tourist's Handy Maps., They are from the ordnance survey of the
counties, cost but fourpence, and are of a size easily portable in the
waistcoat pocket, though large enough to guide the pedestrian on his
way. At a time when: everybody is on the tramp such a cheap and
useful issue of maps cannot fail to receive the support it deserves.

To be Sold.
SHADE of Wilberftce! Lamented Memory of the Jamaica Com-
mittee What hsut we here?
TO be SOLD, a gentleman giving up his establishment, a PAIR of CARRIAGE
HORSES and a DOUBLE BROUGHAM, on C springs; built for the proprietor.
Lowest price 125. Appil to etc.
Here is an offer noitonly of carriages, horses, and a brougham--,
broagham., na re&dAftlr the great opponent of the. slave trade-but
also of a gentleman :giriag up his establishment! And to think that
all these should go for the.fpaltry.sum of 125. It is adding insult to
injury! An American:abelitionist who went South before the war to
examine into the state of the slaves began to preach abolition to the
nigger waiter at his hotel. Darkey listened very quietly, but said
nothing until the abolitionist referred to selling flesh and blood for
dollars, and mentioned a sum. Then Ebony drew himself up with an
air of pride, and declined to be classed with "trash" that went so
cheap. Dis hotel habben't none of dem, I can tell ye. None o' yer
forty dollar niggers here! We think the gentleman giving up his
establishment" needs not to give up his position too. He should
stand out for a better price.

That's Wat's the Matter!
WE would hint to the directors of the S. E. R. Company that they
would find it greatly to their interest to adopt a policy towards the
A little less of (Wat)kin and(more of kind."

Hay day!
THE Americans have just started a novel trade with us, Hearing of
our defective hay-crop, they have set to work compressing bay and
have sent us large quantities from New York. The first instalment of
several hundred trusses has been sold very profitably-of course for
ready money, the motto being "no trussed! They promise us still
larger importations, to which we reply Hay, men, so be it! "

Professionally Called-in.
Dt. NfnvATOw, the celebrated surgeon, has been raised to senatorial
honours by the Emperor of France. The Star thereupon remarks
that the French have been beforehand with us, no such honour has
ever been bestowed on either surgeon or physician in England. All
the better It is a sign that our Constitution is so sound it does not-
require medical aid.

Waking Him'Up.
.The editor of the Reveil has been sentenced and fined for "inciting
tc hatred and contempt of the Government." This is rather too bad!
What do they expect from the Reveil but reviling?

EELO'GING to the "upper (and lower-) ten."-The gout.

MY BIowN has gone"away to Greece,
My ROBINSON to Rome;
My Jones was off to-day for Nice,
And I am still at homo.
One friend is on the Tiber,
Another on the Rhone,
The third a bock-imbiber-
And I am all alone.
The Row is dull as dull can'be,
Deserted is the Drive ;
The glass that stood at eighty-three
Stands now at sixty-fivt
The summer days are over;.
The town, ah, me! has flown
Through Dover or to clovek-
An ,I am: all alone.
I hate the mention of Lucerne,
Of Baden and the Rhine;.
I hate the Oberland of BERNB,,
And Alp and Apennine.
I hate the wilds of Norway,
As here I sit,and moa,
With none to,orosa,mnydprway-
For I am allifnejoef,.
Brick streets' dsnoteatprison make,
Nor hollow squares-a cell.;
And so, for Memory's pleasantsake,
I'll bear my sorrows well.
My lyre may lose the gladness'.
That marked its former tone:;
But, oh! respect my sadness-
For I am all alone.

Literary Men.
IT is rumoured that CALCRAFT is engaged in compiling a history of
hangings down to the date of the abolition of public executions. lHe
intends to call it The Decline of the British Hemp-ire. As the volume
is likely to attract considerable attention we may expect to see in the
advertisements long extracts from the 'pinions of the press (room).

9nz0tu is to d ezanots.

[We cannot return unaseepted MSS. or Sketehes, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
J. R. L. (Leamington.)-A most Leamingtable attempt at wit.' You
clearly don't sell by weight, or you would have asked more than five
shillings for your scrap of paper.
A CORRESPONDENT at Shadwell describes himself as a railway director,
and he probably speaks the truth, for his signature is illegible. Such a
crabbed fist could only be acquired by the grasping habits of railway
A. F. (Glasgow.)-We cannot divine your object in sending us the
newspaper cutting.
F. M. (Little Pulteney-street.)-Thanks. But we cannot see our way to
working it.
RrTLAw RxVILO puts a modest request. After making two very bad
jokes, he winds up with "let me know what you think in Answers to Cor-
respondents." Why, it would take a thousand-volume encyclopedia to let
him know that! We suppose he can't mean what we think of" hisjokes-
they are too terrible to think of.
C. D. (Harley-street.)-You are too young, and the joke is too old.
FERGUS.-New Series, Nos. 8, 35, 60, 73, 78, 164, 169.
DECENCY.-You're a pretty grammarian! Slang and impertinence is
not fun." Isn't they ?
CLERICus ARTICUI.ATUs.-Don't be absurd. Try and understand what
you talk about.
H. B.-What is the use of sending us an "August Reverie" in Sep-
tember ? If it be written by a curate he is not ac-curate.
J. D. S.-Thanks.
W. L. (Brierley-hill.)-We will comply with your request.
I. O. S.-Indeed!
Declined with thanks :-E. H., Bangor; R. G. Warminster; W. J. M.;
C. A. M.; J. M. M., Canonbury; E. G., Knigitsbridge; Cornu; J. C.,
New Cross; T. K. D., Sutton; H. P., Queenstown; H. M. Congleton;
G. T. D.; T.; H. N., Kew; Tom Collier; A Fact; F. H. D., Duke-
street; A Belle Savage; J. R., Notting-hill; H. L., Hayward's-heath;
E. C. H., Glasgow; C. P., Hull; A. J. R., Ball's Pond; William the
Conqueror; A. L., Liverpool R. M., Peebles; Ann T.; J. A. S., Ross ;
Fouid; J.D. J.; H. L. C., ewcastle on Tyne; G. M. M., Lisbumn; Old
Beak; 0.



BONNET, a Covering for the Head."
Inquisitive Parent (inspectir, Milliner's bill) :-"BYi THE WAY, MY DEARS, I SEE THERE ARE BONNETS CHARGED FOR HERE. I NEVER

"Universally Admitted."
SOME little while since we commented on the dishonesty of Fran/k
Leslie's Budqet of Fun, in which an article stolen from our columns was
inserted with a few alterations as the work of DR. S. MACKENZIE."
It appears that the person bearing the alias FRANK LESLIE had attached
Da. MACKENZIE'S name to the plagiarism as a mild practical joke, and
the Universe and Dn. MACKENZIE are both very angry with us, as if we
ought to have seen through the pleasantry. We do not understand the
laws of American journalism, and no similar joke could be perpetrated
in this country; so that seeing DR. MACKENZIE's name to the article
we naturally enough had no suspicion but that it was attached by him
or with his consent. The editor of the Universe says our charge "was
a stupid one-for of all men alive DR. MACKENZIE has no need of
plagiarism," and that we "should not be ignorant of a fact so uni-
versally admitted." The fact may be admitted by the Universe, but
we must plead guilty to the stupidity of never having heard of DRa.

On and Off.
A LETTER from Paris states that musical amateurs are full of
Hisson at present." They have met with their deserts then at last!
From our experience of amateur concerts (not to mention amateur
acting) they have deserved Hisson-or at least Hiss-off!-for a long

Macon Fun of Them!
THE Academy of Macon has offered a gold medal of the value of
three hundred francs to the author of the best work to be called a
Manual of Practical Viticulture. A deputation from Macon waited on
us the other day and presented us with the medal for our seventh
volume, which, as our foreign friends declared, "vas the best practical
manual of Vitty-culture they had met with.

Spectrum Analysis.
WE read that the latest experiments with the Krupp great guns
have been made with "prismatic powder." Of course the explosive
must be most destructive since it is calculated to make spectra of
those at whom it is fired.


.zow ready, FUN, Tol. VII., Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d., or free by post, 5s.
To be had of all Newsagents.
All the back numbers of FUN (New Series) are in print, and may be
obtained at the Office, or through any Bookseller.
FUN may e procured in Paris every Wednesday, of MESSRS. WrLLING
AND Co., 25, Rue de la Michodiere.

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Pbtnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : September 12, 1868.


SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.] F U N N 15


I SHOULD like to know where there's another country in the world
where a fellow would be expected to work in the middle of the day
with the thermometer where it is. When I say "where it is," I mean
where it is to-day, for goodness knows where it may be to-morrow.
There may be a cutting east wind whirling the dust along the Poultry
and pretty nigh taking your paper collar off as you turn round St.
Paul's Churchyard, where, if there's a bit of a breeze it reminds you
of the song that calls upon "bleak Boreas" to stay, in the character of
a "blustering railer," though for my part it could be well dispensed
with in that character, since there's plenty of blustering railers in the
City; and the water-carts don't make much play after business hours,
so that you go about with a mouthful of grit and a mark for the finger

of scorn pointed by the shoe-black brigade as you go across from the
Bank under the protection of the WELLINGTON statue. Atthe present
moment, however, the heat marks about 120 in the sun. What it
would mark in the shade I haven't the least idea because there's no
shade to go by (though in one sense we're an uncommonly shady lot
in the City), and it would be more to the point to find out where it
would be in the "Shades," which, if I had the price of a glass of
Manzanilla sherry and a penn'orth of walnuts, I'd try. There's no
greater bliss I should say just now than a dozen walnuts, a glass of
dry sherry and the run of the saltcellar: not that I ever found the
places they call shades anything but stuffy, and uncommonly close and
stifling. Why they're called shades I can't make out, except that a
good many fellows get in the sun there. If this can be put in as a joke
so much the better. I don't see it myself but somebody else may, and
whatever it is, it's the influence of the hot weather. WELLINGTON
himself couldn't have stood it, and yet there's a sort of melancholy
pleasure in standing here to broil and watching the infatuated public
apply to the drinking-fountain just in front of the Exchange. Have
I made the remark before that if there was any public spirit in the
City, they'd put a little of that spirit into the water and give us
drinking-fountains iced, or at all events with a canopy over the marble
basin that would keep the natural element fromllukewarmness, and

make it a little less muddy. The very figure on the Royal Exchange
fountain looks used-up and the urn that she carries suggests hot coppers.
There are iced things at Birch's, mind you, and soup that makes
glad the heart of man: at least, I suppose it does, for I see people
that have made a good stroke of business, or drawn a dividend,
or want to look as though they'd done one or the other, come out as
bright as new pins wiping their lips. It's a wonderful place too, the
first thing in the morning. There's actually a big piece of plate like a
Roman remain full of whey there, and I suppose it's for some of the
old millionaires that have got to second childhood, and gone in for a
milk diet. The fountain's doing a brisk trade, too, mind you, but it's
chiefly with young women and boys that haven't got over their first
innocent taste for penny buns ; for there's something about a penny
bun that's satiating, not to say cloggy, this weather. The New River
Tepid Tap must be a boon to these, and they show how they like it by
sprinkling each other, the same as the shoe-black boys that look as
though they wanted a whole fire-engine to put 'em out, they look so

hot and grimy in their red uniforms. They must be a boon to the
police this hot weather in giving something to think of and take their
minds off sunstroke and impossible half-and-half: for the brigade is
the last remnant of Protection, and woe betide the ragged outsider
that sets up a bit of a stand and touts for customers round the Ex-
change. It's precious hot! I wonder what the Lord Mayor's got for
lunch. Madeira and a cold grouse I should say, or he don't know
what's what. It's cool somewhere in the Mansion House, I warrant;
and the fact is that there is a cool nook or two even now in the City, if
you only know where to look for it. The crypt under Guildhall
would be one of 'em, and even the Hall itself under the shadow of
MAGOG. Then there's a little covered alley in Austin Friars where
there's always a thorough draught, and Alderman's-walk isn't bad if
you get into a deep doorway. I wish I was Lord Mayor or something,
and I'd try-but then I den't know that I should ;-I shouldn't take
the trouble perhaps, any more than I feel inclined to go back to the
office just yet before the dinner hour's quite up. I know one cool
pump at all events just round the corner, and if the water ever did
come through a churchyard the churchyard's been closed many a day.
I think they took it into the Bank of England; and so there the
pump stands, without a chain to the handle and with a good big ladle ;
that's what comes of looking up Chepe.",



[SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.


H, big was the bosom of brave
And also the region that under
it lay,
In safety and peril remarkably
And he dwelt on the banks of
the River Stamboul.
Each morning he went to his

A bunch of zenana, or sprig of
"I' ~ bul-bul,
P And offered the bouquet, in ex-
quisite bloom,
To BACKSHEESH, the daughter
No maiden like BACKSHEESH
Sscould tastily cook
-- .A..A kettle of kismet, or joint of
As ALUM, brave fellow, sat pensively by,
With a bright, sympathetic ka-bob in his eye.
Stern duty compelled him to leave her, one day-
(A ship's supercargo was brave ALUM BEY)-
To pretty young BACKSHEEsH he made a salaam,
And sailed to the isle of Scringapatam.
Oh, ALUM," said she, think again, ere you go-
Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow.
You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss!"
But ALUM embraced her and spoke to her thus:
"Cease weeping, fair BACHSHnESH, I willingly swear
Cork jackets and trousers I always will wear,
And I also throw in a large number of oaths
That I never-no never-will take off my clothes!"
S* *
They left Madagascar away on their right,
And made Olapham Common the following night,
Then lay on their oars for a fortnight or two.
Becalmed in the ocean of Honolulu.
One day ALUM saw, with alarm in his breast,
A cloud on the nor-sow-sow-nor-sow-nor-west.
T.he wind it arose and the crew gave a scream,
For they knew it-they knew it!-the dreaded Hareem!!
The mast it went over, and so did the sails,
Brave ALUM throw over his casks and his bales-
The billows arose as the weather grew thick,
And all except ALUMr were terribly sick.


!- f^ _.i t

" To holloa and kick is a very bad plan,
You'd best get it over as soon as you can;
You'd better get'hold of a good lump of lead
And collar it tightly until you are dead.
" Just raise your hands over your pretty heads-so-
Right down to the bottom you're certain to go,
Ta! ta! I'm afraid we shall not meet again"-
For the truly courageous are truly humane.
Brave ALUM was picked up the very next day-
A man-o'-war sighted him, smoking away;
With hunger and cold he was ready to drop
So they sent him below and they gave him a chop.
Oh, reader, or readress, whichever you be,
You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea.!
Oh, reader, or readress, read further, and dry
The bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye.
That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes,
It's lowered, and ha! on a summut it-strikes!
They haul it aboard with a British "heave-ho!"
And what it has fished the initial will show.
There was WILsoN, and PARKER, and ToMLINSON too-
(The first.was the captain, the others the crew)-
As lively and spry as a Malabar ape,
Quite pleased and surprised at their happy escape !
And ALUM, brave fellow, who stood in the fore,
And never expected to look on them more,
Was really delighted to see them again,
For the truly courageous are truly humane.

The.crew were but three but they holloa'd for nine,
They howled and they blubbered with wail and with whine :
The skipper he fainted away in the fore,
For he hadn't the heart for to skip any more.
" Ho, coward! said ALUM, "with heart of a child!
Thou son of a party whose grave is defiled,
Is ALUM-in terror ? is ALUM afeard?
Ho! ho! If you had one, I'd laugh at your beard."
His eyeball it gleamed like a fire of red coke;
He boldly inflated his clothes as he spoke ;
He daringly felt for the corks on his chest,
And ho recklessly tightened the belt at his breast.
For he knew, the brave ALUM, that happen what'might,
With belts and cork-jacketing, he was all right;
Though others might sink, he was certain to swim,
No Hareem whatever had terrors for him!
They begged him to spare from his personal store
A single cork raiment-they asked for no more;
But he couldn't, because of the number of oaths
That he never-no never-would take off his clothes.
The billows dash o'er them and topple around,
They see they are pretty near sure to be drowned.
A terrible wave o'er the quarter deck breaks,
And the vessel it sinks in a couple of shakes!
The dreadful Hareem, though a beggar to blow,
Expends all its strength in a minute or so;
When the vessel had foundered, as I have detailed,
The tempest subsided and quiet prevailed.
One collared a cork with a yelling Ha! ha! "
(Its bottle had prisoned a pint of Pacha)
Another a toothpick-another a tray-
" Alas! it is useless!" said brave ALUM BEY.


SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.]



S/ UR, Wielsh friends are very indignant if we
Venture to smile at their Eisteddfodbm; and
MI. EDMUND YATES has been vigorously
abused because, having good-naturedly un-
dertalkenr towaste his. time in reading. prize-
poems, hadbaa net one of the, lot worthy
S f.. the pri e. TiS lia was.right was proved
:bis. year when The pri.:e was awarded--to a
wactea .iinjiteiaon of LONGFELLOW'S& worst
style, to which no Eoglish peamn.i paper would have gitLer the
cheap honours of its "Poet;'is. .-Cxiae I. have just received a Welsh
paper, containing an accountiefoan ighFseddifod at Carmarthen, au' I'll
defy anyone to refrain frcm laughing, at it. The Eisteddfod was: pre-
sided over by some one withlithe' very English name of BUCKLEY.
There was a prize of three shillings for the best impromptu speech!
There was a prize of a pound for the best essay on "Beauty," but:
there was a level of merit (?), among four competitors And
there was a prize of five shillings fi&- that best "love letter!" But-
the funniest thing of all is that, tiawinners, are described as "in-
vested" with the prize-generally by a, female, presumably young
and lovely! Fancy being "invested" with two-and-fourpence by
the girl of your heart !
THE Saturday Review appears to be in no. possible way affected by
the loss of its late editor. It abounds still in sneers and misrepre-
sentations, and is still graced %by the same charms of composition
which prove the superiority of its writers, who leisurely indite their
lofty essays in their studies, over.the common scribes of the press, who
have to write when and howithey can. An essay, on Bothing and
Etchers in a recent number offers, some fine examples of the gram-
matical accuracy of that exalted being the Saturday Reviewer:-
A description and analysis of the processes enters into his conception of the
esthetic bearings of his art."
Persons merely grammatical might urge that the two nominatives,
"description" and "analysis," require a plural verb instead of the
singular enters." To satisfy and silence such quibblers, the super-
fine reviewer gives us a compensatory sentence:-
Prominent among these are sensitiveness, often reckoned a weakness or morbid
condition of soul in lovers of art."
"Description and analysis. is," but then sensitivenesss are!" The
superfine scribe has taken a hint from Sir Walter Scott, who put in
the corner of his letter a group of commas, colons, and periods in order
that his friend might put in the stops he could not step to put. Our
great unknown scatters singulars and plurals over his paper, and
leaves his readers to fit them together. He seems to know almost as
much of grammar, too, as he does of some of the asbjects he criticisms.
He speaks of the graphotype and alludes to the resulting print from
the electrotyped copy." Does he know the difference between
electrotype andstereotype ? And if so, does he know that the chief
failure of graphotype is due to the fact that it does not give an electro-
typed but a stereotyped copy ?
IN Cassell's Magazine we have "A Fight for Life" moving along
with unflagging interest. Its denouement is: still a matter of con-
jecture, so well is the mystery kept up. MA. REOmNSON contributes a
capital tale called "A Proud Wife," and M DUTTrON Coon has good
paper on The Stockwell Ghost." Da. BRowNE's article on Rail-
way Season Tickets will be widely read and seriously studied. Mn.
JAMES GREINWOOD gives us another peep into low life, and MR.
THoRNBui-uY chats pleasantly about old bits of London. The verse is
quite up to the average, and the number as a whole is excellent with
one exception-that exception being, alas, thirst of a series of papers,
entitled Thoughts in the Twilight. Unlessathe second ia very much
better than the first we shall have a weekly instalment of the veriest
twaddle to look forward to. The editor of this excellent magazine
has hitherto conducted it with such skill and judgment that it is sur-
prising that he should have admitted such a "duffing" article, to ase
a slang word which alone can express the quality of the trash. The
personal chat of known writers is a pardonable egotism amuassing.to
their readers, but this paper comes anonymously, and who on earth
cares to know that its author sometimes walks in his: garden witiMis
hands behind him, that if it rains he paces his room, that he considers
" to muse is one thing, and to think another, that when he looks
in the glass he doesn't quite know what he sees, that he once had a
grandmother and a half-crown, but that he was not born with a silver
spoon in his mouth! Moreover, though a man cannot himself write
he need not make nonsense of the writings of others. It is rather
hard upon MILTON, who has been terribly ill-treated of late, that his
line Some still removed place will fit" should be made such feeble
stuff of as this:-
"If the air will not permit,
Still some removed place will fit."

THE St. James's has dropt its vulgar cover and has started afrosh at now
offices. Under these circumstances I suppose it may claim the mercy
accorded to a first number, or I should protest against the insertion of an
illustration to the novel Hirell" of which no instalment appears in
the number. I think if the proprietors cannot give us better cuts
hereafter they had better drop illustrations altogether. They might
also with advantage substitute blank pages for such poor padding as
Asleep and Awake which is the work of very incoherent paste and
scissors. A Modern St. George is good, as is also At Home and
Homeless." But we must have better stuff than Silent Sympathy,"
"Preaching and Practice" and Child-Suicides" if the magazine is
to keep its place. The solitary bit of verse is better than much we
have had in the St. James's-but that is not high praise. I cannot help
thinking that to be popular the magazine must cut adrift a certain
affectation of scholarship which is always giving us chapter and verso
in THUCYDIDEs and elsewhere-but especially THUCYDIDES.
-Belgravia has one very bad illustration-" Parting "-with meaning-
less faces attached to figures twenty heads high. It has one good
illustration, wherein MONSIEUR PANNEMAKER has made much more out
of Mn. THOMPvsoN's drawing than Ma. ThosMas has done in another
instance. The artist who draws the otherwise pretty picture (though
"tint" has played the dickens with his foliage) to Out in the
Stream" should get his namesake, the experienced surgeon of the
Hospital for Diseases of the Throat, to show him that the hip-joint
and the shoulder blade are separated by something more than half a
dozen ribs. The young gentleman in the punt has evidently got a
heart-but where are his viscera ? MR. SAwYEa contributes a charming
poem, and MR. LEIGH some elegant vers de socidtd. In How we Should
Dine if we Could Mi. SALA is as amusingly chatty as usual, and
MR. THaoBuHxUY discourses well of." London Clubs."
THE Argosy startlesone a little with a picture of a. ghost whoso arm,
judged by the laws of perspective, is only twice as long as the figure is
high. As, however, the letterpress does. not refer to this peculiarity,
the hint of a ghost with a telescopic arm warranted to reach the length
of a whole corridor is at the disposal of the sensation novelist. The
novels go on well, and there is, a capital paper on "Working Men,"
by one of themselves, well worthy of attention and study. Major
Parrifer" is deeply interesting-it makes one long for the first of
October-I beg pardon the twenty-eighth of September-we are always
a day or two before time in this rapid age.

O'Ex the stubble,
With a double
Barrel ToxKIaS shot:
Left and right ,
He gave the flight,
And this was all he got !
I.-Ho sings a wild and wilful strain,,
And draws peculiar figures-
Strange officers upon the main,
And most peculiar niggers.
e, has a comic way of handling'
What Pall Mall critics call a bandlin.
2.-This is an epithet you may apply
To NMNKEN'S morals, WHIrranI's poetry,
And also, I imagine, to the lax
Way in which genius pays its. Income, Tass.
3.-Be smacks his lips,
And with his eye
A wink he tips
To those hard by;
And says of nips
That you can swallow
The rest this whips
Uncommon hollow!
4.--Tieyvowed that such conduct was wrong
And made of an adjective use
Which (avoiding all language too strong).
Said.'twas conduct inspired by the deuce.
5.-To guard from chaps the mouth where bees might sip,
Applies fair CHLOE some there:
At ERvANs's 'tis aye on Paddy's lip
To greet the, chaps that come there.
SonL'urox o Acaesric No. 78. Irelanad, O ~rayge: Intaglio,
Rouleau, Eschalot, Landor, Abracadabra, Nog, Dunae.
COsRRCT SOLUTIONS or ACROsTTv No. "78, utxceKivW 9th SprrxaTnMr:--Clara and
Annie; Old John; Saratoga; J. II. N. ; Crathes; Frank and Maria.

A VENEnABLa. PILE.-The old carpet in the bachelor's bedroom.


[SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.

Mr. Kraft (Candidate for the representation of Mudborough in the next Mr. K.-" FURisH ME WITH YOUR NAME AND ADDRESB, IMMEDIATELY "

A Blow for a Blow.
WE have received a copy
of a periodical entitled Zion's
Trumpet, which contains a
candid statement about the
duties of critics and publishers
that we quote with pleasure.
It has the boldness to say in
so many words what a great
many publishers inversely
"It was our intention not to
review any more books that were
not advertised on the Wrapper, but
this being so very good, we could
not refrain. But it is a very unfair
practice for Authors to obtain a
good review, and not advertise the
book in the Migazine. In fact, we
are persuaded it lessens the sale."
We trust that the proprietors
of periodicals, that shall be
nameless, who object to our
broad-way of stating objec-
tions will not miss this cheap
opening for "a good review."

THE New York Tribune
informs us that the ladies of
Philadelphia have a rifle club,
and that a shooting match
recently came off at Washing-
ton Retreat, where the first
prize fell to a lady of whom
the Tribune says Miss MARYt
ANN SCHUTZ." This is mere
nonsense! How could she
have won the first prize at a
riflematch if she didn't shoot?

A Line Worth Follow-
BRIGHT meet intheReformed
i t o ubParliament, what, a capital
illustration it would be of a
e 'N "guide, philosopher, and friend."

S -Putting the Saddle on
the Wrong Horse.
..CABBY has many wrongs
that want righting, but the
1 late strike was a sad mistake;
-take our word for it-
pjlying for hire is in every
sense better than playing for
-ire, inflicting a vast amount
of discomfort on Cabby's best
friend-the public.

The Capital Punish-
ment Question.
WHEN a convictedmurderer
\is described by the papers as
having arrived at a proper
"frame of mind, may that
be taken to be "g(u)ilt?"

DISHING A Tonv.-(Just
for a change.)-What the
Premier will have to swallow
when Parliament meets.-
Any quantity of Mayo.
S, $ gnays. _



F 1U lN.--SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.

BUT NOT A GROAT TO SPEND." [COLERIDGE (slightly altered).

SEPTEMBER .19, 1868.]


[ Dedicated without permission to several Music Hall Buffoons.]

Her pedigree traced from a

'I She possessed, you'll acknowledge,
a will of her own
X, -. In vowing she'd marry a dog's-
meat man.
Her father- persuaded she wasn't

Such a funny old governor never
... e was seen,
Shut her up with a sigh for a year

In an arbour he'd built upon
Camberwell Green.
He was nervous lest some
one should spread the
Singing tel do rol riddle
dol, &c.

HosORIA's fancy I'm pained to relate
From the time she'd acquired the distinction
of ten
WVas to bind her magnificent wealth to the fate
Of the host indiscreet and repulsive of men.
She determined to snub every suitor who came
With a passable face and conventional
And informed her mamma that she thought it a
That her governess hadn't a cast in her eye.
/ 'Twas a pity the whims were not early
put down
4 fOf Roxona HAGGIos of Hoxton Town.
4 Singing tel de rol, &c.

She implored for a monkey instead of a doll,
And an old idiotic gorilla they found.
She insisted a quarrelsome cockatoo poll
Was the best of companions "down to the
Though early this family wrangle began,
Herself and her funny old father between,
The climax was found in the dog's-meat man,
And the arbour discovered on Camberwell Green.
Pa swore he'd cut off with traditional
Miss 1Hoxonai HAGGIS of Iloxton Town.
Singing tol do rol, &c.
The only attendant her father allowed
Was a dog he had bought at a sale in Cremorne,
And the bandy-legged animal scratched and bow-
And wished in his heart he had never been born.
"Oh! it's all very well," said poor doggie, "for
To sell all the muzzleless dogs that are seen
In the streets; I would far rather perish in pain
Than live with Miss HAGGIS on Camberwell
So he feigned to be mad and to tear at the
Of HoNouM HAGGIS of Hoxton Town.
Singing tol do rol, &c.
But HoNOcIA IHAOGIS determined to sell
The parent who'd plunged her young life in a
So dying to learn if her lover were well,
She employed the sharp nose of the bandy-legged
For months she awaited the pattering feet
Of the hound who had left the poor girl in the
She eloped with an uglier vendor of meat,
And both were united in Camberwell Church,
This ends the romance with its up and its
Of HONonai HAoGts of Hoxton Town.
Singing tol do rol, &c.

The Logic of the Leading Journal.
THE Times, we suppose, thinks any stone good enough to throw at a
black sheep, and looking on the cabman as a black sheep considers any
argument good enough to fling to him. In speaking of the strike it
favoured the world with this sensible statement:-
The outside cabmen have no more reason for striking against these private
stands than the outside stationers against the bookstalls, or the outside confectioners
against the refreshment rooms. In fact, if the great firms in Paternoster-row were
all to close their shops against the public because they were not free to retail
shilling novels at the railway carriage doorspthey would not be acting more un-
reasonably than the cabmen are acting."
The .analogy is perfect here! Wholesale houses, closing because
retail traders (who are their customers) sell books on the railway, offer
an exactly parallel case to cabmen objecting because other cabmen,
under the same license, are allowed the monopoly of a large traffic by
private treaty! If the railways were to refuse to convey passengers
because they might not also run cabs, the illustration culled by the
Times from the Row might be admissible. But as an illustration of
the error of the cab-strike it is simply idiotic. Then, again, how logical
is the argument about outside stationers and confectioners. The book-
stalls and refreshment rooms have an exclusive right to the premises
they rent of the railways. The outside bookseller and confectioner
would have a fair ground of complaint if the bookstalls and refresh-
ment rooms did -what the privileged cabs do-that is, sell not only on
thelpremises they rent, but making them their depots compete with
the confectioner and bookseller by vending their goods at the shop-
keepers' doors.
And this is the logic of the leading journal!

Over-bold Bowled over.
A wRIxmE in the Sportsman comments upon a leader on cricket in the
Daily Telegraph. Now whatever its faults may be, the D. T. has the best
cricket articles out, so that our sportive critic should be careful. He
sneers at the -D. T. writer because he speaks of four balls constituting an
"over." If they do not, we should like to know what does ? They have
done so for the last twenty years as the most "casual" observer at the
Oval or Lord's might have seen.

several papers have, on the authority of the Independance ielge, ascribed the
following sentence to the Prince Imperial : 'Whetn 1 am Emperor I will make
everybody attend to their religious duties : I will not tolerate any irreliglous
person.' We are in a position to affirm that these words never were uttered.-
.La Francc.
OF course the utterances of a child of twelve are of the most extreme
importance, and deserve all the prominence which the Inddpendance,
and the several other papers, hastened to give them. Nor will any-
body be disposed to consider the solemn contradiction of the semi-
official La -France as at all stupid or ludicrous.
Now to relieve the public mind from all doubt upon this most tre-
mendous question we (as a semi-officious paper) are in a position to
affirm that the exact words used by the boy prince were as follows:-
"Old Daddy Long-legs will not say his prayers,
I'll take him by the loft leg and throw him down the stairs."
Those lines he had learned from his English governess in past times,
and it is easy to understand how an incautious repetition of them at a
certain moment gave rise to the report in the Belgian paper.
After this explanation we trust that the lndependance will be mollified,
that the editor of La France will find himself pretty comfortable, and
that one danger to the peace of Europe and the happiness of her
peoples will disappear.

A Colon.
THE members'of the Alpine Club are hereby informed that, despite
all their triumphant ascents, we can point them out a Col which they
won't be able to collar next summer. We allude to the Col-o' Sseum in
Regent's Park.

SEEING the announcement "house cramm'd at the portals of the-
well, no matter what-theatre the other evening, CHrPEat observed-
"public cramm'd "-nearer the mark !


22 FUN.

[SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.


C'.-) HE region of Soho in which we
found our last specimen of Lodg-
A ing Life, borders on the district
from which our present example
1' is taken. Our choice falls upon
SSeven Dials. Has it ever struck
anyone that whereas the inhabi-
... J. tants of two large countries so
S assimilate, on the border lines,
'^ that the nationalities blend in
London, small districts are sepa-
rated by a hard and fast line ?
Soho and Seven Dials almost
mingle, yet the social geographer
could trace you on the map a dis-
tinct and definite boundary. In
fact, as the Latin bard, whom
"blood and culture" delights to call "jolly old HORACE," has shrewdly
remarked, "Est modus in rebus, sunt certi denique finse, quos ultra
citraque nequit consistere, etc."-a passage which may here be rendered
thus:-There is a limit, there are in a word bounds beyond, which the
blanchisseries of Soho on the one hand, and the bird-shops of Seven
Dials on the other, cannot exist. Soho is Frenchified. Seven Dials is
Hibernicised. It is as a delicate compliment to the nationality of
Seven Dials, and a graceful tribute to the bos primigenus or bull of the
country, that our artist in his illustrations of Lodgings in Seven Dials
has abstained from introducing an Irishman.
The Parlours of the particular Seven Dialectic Lodging we have
selected are occupied by the proprietors of one of the oldest and most
respectable playhouses in London-a Punch Show. The structure in
which they perform the legitimate drama being a trifle too large to
come in at the door is taken through the window at night and launched
by the same opening in the morning. The proprietors are partners,
who are represented in the initial enjoying a friendly game at "Put."
To a public so intelligent as the readers of FuN, it is hardly necessary
to distinguish between the two. They will know which is Music and
which is the Drama. The student of human nature is aware the bald
gentleman is the genius who does the acting. We do not for a moment
propound that every performer of "Punch" is bald, but a life-long
study has enabled us to lay down the rule that if of the two owners
of the show one be bald-even though he be the younger-he is the
actor. Why this should be so, we are at a loss to explain. We leave
the solution of the mystery to our DAawiNs and HUXLEYS. Our two
friends make a tolerable living by the legitimate drama-not as much,
perhaps, as MR. BOUCICAULT says he makes out of the sensation
drama-but enough to live upon, and enjoy a clear conscience and
their beer. I doubt if they ever send postage stamps to the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER for unpaid dog-tax for Toby, who is observed
sitting near Music. Toby's opinions of SIR RICHARD MAYNE, if he
had the opportunity of expressing them to that obstinate old gentleman
might perhaps have more effect than the voice of the whole press, for
which the Solon of Scotland Yard so deliberately expresses his
The First Floor is occupied by a couple whose dramatic performances
MR. HosrFOeRD, the active officer of the Mendicity Society, would
hardly describe as legitimate
drama. Their outward respect-
ability is painfully obvious,
heightened as it is by touches of
poverty, just as the husband's
suit of black broadcloth is ren-
S dered more effective by the
studied whiteness of the seams.
ND0 This unscrupulous pair make a
very good thing out of their -
poverty. The husband imposes .'
on the poor. The wife swindles
the rich. Their system is simple enough. The husband in a suit
of seedy black, with rusty kid gloves on his hands and a clean
white tie and collar round his neck, affects crowded thorough-
fares, and on Saturday nights, especially, the street-markets of
the working classes. The rascal knows and trades upon the readi-
ness of the poor to assist the poor. He bears on his breast a card
appealing to Kind Christians for help, and stating that he has been
out of work for years, and has a wife and seven children, and is at last
compelled, though terribly ashamed, to ask for alms. And he hangs
down his head as he ought to do, the rogue, knowing as he does that
the wives of hardworking men spare a copper from their scanty market
money to swell his ill-gotten gains.

The wife is a begging-letter-writer, and collector of charitable sub-
scriptions for imaginary purposes. She is up in all the slang of the
sects and can adapt her conversation to that rabid Ritualist, the
REVEREND REvDEDOS, to that eminent Evangelical, the REVEREND RANT-
CANT, or to that noted Nonconformist, Ma. BANoBOOK of the Elephant
and Tabernacle. To look at her long face and uplifted eyebrows, you
would not suppose that life to her is all beef-steak and onions, stout,
and warm gin-and-water!
The Second Floor is in the joint occupation of MR. JOE SMIFFINS,
better known to fame as the SIGNOR SEMIVINI, and of MR. BILL
HUWLBY, who may be politely described as a pic-
turesque reporter." J .
SSMiFrims belongs to the \
old school of tumblers, who,
wherever they had not put
out other joints for them-
selves, had their noses put a
out for them by LEOTARD
and the modern school of
trapezists. He has to seek
support by street perform-
ances, and an occasional
appearance at very minor
-; \ concert rooms, chiefly for /
friendly leads" and such _
benefits. Ground and lofty
tumbling in a well-lit theatre and a well-spangled costume may seem
a fine thing, but when it comes to shivering in worn tights and a street
off the Strand, with a keen wind blowing up from the river and coppers
shy, vaulting ambition finds it hard to keep body and soul together.
MR. HowLeY works in partnership with a friend. They betake
themselves after dusk to the quiet streets and squares, where, one on
one side and the other on the other, they set up a bellowing duet, of
which we are enabled, by the courtesy of the executors of the lamented
CATNATCH, to present our readers with a specimen-we give it in a
form familiar to the student of opera-libretti:-
HowLra (con strepito).-Full! True! and partikler account!
FRIEND (fortissimo).- and partikler account.
BoTH.-Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!
H.-Strawdinary! Heelopement!
F.- in High! Life!
BoTr.-Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Waaaagh!
H.-A young lady !
F.- Sevingteen years of hage !
H.-Residin' in!
F.- Thurlow-square, Brompting!
BOTH.-Wah! Waaagh! Wah! Waaaagh!
H.-An' a well! known! nobleman!
F.- Livin' within a quarter of a mile of Heatcn-place!
BoTr.-Wah! Wah! Wah! Waaaaagh! Waaagh!
Having excited the curiosity of the neighbourhood by these dis-
jointed revelations, they retail small strips of printed matter purport-
ing to be the detailed report of the news they cry, but really having
nothing to do with it; and, as a rule, being perfectly unintelligible
rigmarole. MR. HowLnY At known in Seven Dials as "a seller of
cocks "-which is not intended to convey the notion that he deals in
poultry, but that he vends "cock-and-bull stories." An undiscovered
murder is his special harvest, for it enables him to cry the capture and
confession of a new criminal every evening. The Road Murder was a
small annuity to him, and ho is reported to have shed tears on learning
that CoNSTANCE KENT had confessed.
The Attics belong to a Joint Stock Company, Limited. From this
elevation descend upon the outer world the Original Seven Dials
Songsters," who never perform
out of London, except once a year, I '
when they tramp to the Derby. ''-
As they have never penetrated
further westward than Putney,
they deserve much credit for
their lifelike reproduction of 4
Negro life in the Plantations, as '
well as for the simple and truth-
ful manner in which they dress
the characters they assume. How- I
ever, joking apart, they sing, to i
say the least of it, quite as well as
and their songs are infinitely
more amusing, if not more re- 'u=---. j ,
fined. We fancy if their secret
ambition were told, it would be nothing more exalted than a per-
manent engagement at a musical tavern or tea garden "with the run
of the bar, rum-shrub, and the foreign wines excepted."

SEPTEMBER 19, 1868.1' IF U N 23

Before we leave the house, we must peep down the ricketty stairs
into the kitchen. Do not start! This is not an Alton Locke asking
for the heads of kings, or vowing on his sacred shears to overthow the
Tory Ministry. It is little WAGGLES, the tailor, showing his wife and
family how MACRIEADY used to act Macbeth. WAGGLES is like that
famous article of furniture which was "a bed by night a chest of
drawers by day." While Sol is in the sky WAGGLES is on the board
at his tailoring. When Luna holds sway WAGGLES is on the boards
at T. R. Drury Garden, where he does the heavy lead" of the mobs
of supers. When the infuriated populace cries aloud for the life of the
usurping Duke, WAGGLES is the fugleman who leads off the chorus of
"He dies!" When the assembled senators bewail the death of the
last of the Emperors, WAGGLes is looked to for the remark, "Oh,
horror! What treason is this r" When the greybearded priests of
APOLLO learn that the high-priestess has eloped with the General of
the Gallic army, it is Waggles who exclaims, "Dire calamity! Un-
happy we!"
It is, however, at Christmas, during the run of the pantomime, that
WAGGLES has the honour of appearing before the public in the largest
number of characters. He is a demon in the first scene; a big-headed
warrior, much banged about by his general in the second; a courtier
in the third; a villager in the fourth; a demon again in the transfor-
mation scene; and a policeman, a baker, a butcher, a walking gentle-
man, a servant girl, and a schoolboy in the comic business. For this
Protean performance he is paid at the rate of one shilling sterling per
night-a low salary for a man of such parts, being little more than a
penny for each impersonation. He has a long family, and is bringing
up the t. o eldest for the stage-the eldest boy having already attracted
considerable notice by his intelligent performance of a tomtit in the
pantomime of Who Killed Cock Robin ? WAGGLES has hopes for the,
lad, and secretly believes his son is destined to realize the expectations
of dramatic distinction which his father once entertained.

Birds of a Feather.
GIVE no vote at the coming elections to those who would close the
public-houses, or to railway directors-the former would rob a poor
man of his beer-the latter of his money.

Suspended Animation.
A FRIEND of ours, who advocates the abolition of capital punishment,
declares that to try to cure crime by hanging criminals is mere

A Medical Mem.
THE worst form of dropsy is that in which spirit takes the place of
water. To distinguish it from the ordinary form this is known in
medical circles as the "just-another-drop-sy."

Tell us-in a Crack.
SHOULD not those noble sportsmen (P) who find amusementinknocking
over poor pigeons from a trap be termed "cracked" rather than
"crack" shots P

DIrs-O-MANIAcs.-The early plunges of those insane people who
bathe in the Serpentine every morning in the depth of winter.

A WATERSPOUT.-Advocating teetotalism.

.IN an after-dinner slumber,'
Taking more than forty winks,
I had visions without number
Of innumerable drinks.
In this very hot September,
TPleasant was it in my dreams,
iCooling liquors to rementber,
.ifllbling in eternal streams.
W'Miththe triangle surmonated,
.hirst in order saw I pass,
D)osens of the beer accounted
ilinestiin the vats otBAses.
tlnceea;aiady's heart was"-trodiBl'n"
At.the thought of dblin Ba1 ,
Little wonder, stout oftfublin
Throths in such a teqpltiugway.
JIlhen a olaretfcup wasserasmiqg,
",With an iceberg shiningAhrogbnh;
And above its wavelets gleaming,
:Rose the borage-flowers.ofhblge.
With emotions sweet and tender,
.3ext aIsaw my "S. and B.".;
WWith the soda's swift surrender,
(Qfisit brandied charms to me.
Antilligazed with fond affection
i3inia tumbler then, wherein
eestand lemon met,-inspection
4* Save asgentle thought of gin.
"'Cocktails," "cobblers," sHlings," and
d 'Americans have made,
fiamein dreams,-that drinker rash is
WVho drinks with them, I'm afraid.
With a change of climate coming
ea*tI steaming glasses stand,
On the fire a kettle humming,
And the whisky near my hand.
It will seem extremely odd, I
Said, if I refuse to mix,
So I filled a glass of toddy,
With a few convivial 'bricks.
Do not blame me for that action,
It were churlish to refuse;
Though there's little satisfaction
In a visionary booze.

Szstrezs it Qernzponbents.
[We cannot return unaedepted M88. or BketShes, unless they are I
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold
ourselves& responsible for loss.]
WAMBA.-Would not The Witless" have been the better nom deplume
to take ? To be sure, the disguise would be so slight.
G. S. (Mile End) sends us some MSS. which he assures us are his own
composition, "and see the light for the first time." We have shown it to
them a second time-and much closer. G. S. will do better by and by, and
then he will rejoice at this.
BULL.-Yes, if you could but see it!
SAN DY.-No thanks. We have no recollection of the other.
An ADMIRER (Liverpool).-Send your address and the mystery shill be
T. W. 3. (Midland Railway).-We were not aware of it.
R. C. (Maida Hill).-Sorry te deprive you of the satisfaction-you had I
been forestalled.
ABMAND.-We cannot make you the Armand Honorable" by giving
you the distinction of a place in our columns.
E. H.-We only want original matter, and your MS. is a servile
H. K. M., Undergrad.-The article is actionable.
S. W. T. (Gracechurch-street).-Thanks.
GIRALDTs.-We don't see anything to call for comment.
Declined with thanks:-R. S. J.; N. Spalding; Dan; A. M. Z.,
Brighton; G. B.; Anxious; M. R. P.; A. L. H., Lambeth ; J. H., Privy
Council Office; C. C. M. S.; E. F. T., Birkenhead; A Novel Author;
T. G., Adelphi; Waxy; H. R. K. ; H. W.; J. McJ.; Three Coiners,
Glasgow; Edie; W. T., Bristol; Tom Simple, Liverpool; R. S. W.,
Twickenham; J. S., Belfast; H. R., Liverpool; Fama Semper Viret;
W. B. C.; Dr. Syntax; P. H. G. Y.; W. H. M., Royal Rioad; M. R. l.,

24 F U N. [SEPTEMBE 19, 1868.

I'.m certain I never can do it-
sIe 'Tis absurd to believe that I can!
I'm sure I shall never get through it;
Though I outlive the ultimate man!
J You know I was never at college,
And was only a short time at school;
SAnd 'tis but intuitive knowledge
That redeems me from being a fool!

Any progress completely prevents.
name AEThis absence of good education
I find little use, in my station,
OU For my infinitesimal sense.
I try by assiduous reading,
To make mind over matter prevail:
I never am sure of succeeding-
But I always am certain to fail!
You quote to me BRycE and his spider-
The elephant, beaver, and bee!
"Try on "--'tis a motto for SCHNsEIDER,
Trying on" is too trying for me !
Whatever you say, I'll go bail you're
Obliged still to this truth to confess,
i T That nothing fails quicker than failure!
Just as nothing succeeds like success!

Acclimatised and Bee-climatised.
AN exhibition of bees has lately been held at Moscow.
Would it not have been better to hold it at St. Peters-
\ burg where the Winter Palace would have offered a
most suitable locality as a palais d'hive-er?

A Dip in the Lucky Bag.
-Louis BLANC iS one of the candidates for Paris at the
coming general election in France. The voting is by
if ballot, and we can confidently state that one of the
.- poprizes of the lottery will be a Blanc.

ToMKiNs, who is shortsighted, says that the -ew style of sash the ladies are THE papers state that the new Ameer of Afghanistan
wearing renders it difcult to distinguish between fair pedestrians and equestrians, is SaERE ALL Is it quite certain it is not a Shave

CURIOUS POLICE CASE. At this stage the case was adjourned, the learned magistrate
observing that there seemed to have been some foul play some-
TaHE other day two apparently respectable lads, who gave their where.
names as CHARLES WRITE and Do'EM BEAUTIFUL, were charged with
appropriating a red pocket-book or portefeuille rouge the property of Pe(a)rs-ecution.
two French gentlemen. WRITE, on hearing the charge, said the
people who brought the charge were obscure idiots, and that he and TowN-folks can at a pinch rival even Folkes-tone. It is decidedly too
his friend, as men of genius, had a singularly keen appreciation of what bad that a learned counsel lately engaged in a cause cdlebre cannot walk
was good, and could see pearls or sovereigns where obscure idiots through the central avenue, Covent Garden, without being pestered
could see nothing-and if they saw them in other people's pockets and with-" Any Williams to-day, Sir ? Very fine Williams!"
appropriated them to their own use, by incorporating them with the
property in their own pockets no one had a right to complain.
The pocket-book was produced and bore a remarkable general like- What a Take-off !
ness to the portefeuillp alleged to have been taken. WRITE, however, AN item of foreign intelligence states that whereas in 1840 the
urged that it could not be the same, because he called the article pro- Parisian drank on an average eight litres of brandy per annum, he
duced a purse, whereas the description given was of a pocket-book. now drinks forty. If this is the litre-al truth, it speaks but little in
The "purse" on being examined was found to contain exactly favour of the regimen of the Imperial regime.
the same amount-one pound five and fourpence-which (it was
deposed) was contained in theportefeuille. To this WRITE objected that A Query for the Knowing Ones.
whereas the sum in the portefeuille consisted of one sovereign, two
half-crowns, and a fourpenny piece, the money in the "purse con- How many men could you point out in the ring at Doncaster who
sisted of one pound, two florins, a shilling, and fourpennyworth of cannot write their own names ? Lots, you say. Good-but how
coppers. To be sure the sum total was the same in each case, but many of them are there who don't know their book ?"
if he had changed the coins constituting the sum it must be his
property. BIRDS OF PAssAGE.-Travelling Cranes.

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.



Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : September 19, 1868.

SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.]


I no'rT know whether or not to put on my best bonnet to go there,
and yet there are a good many gentlemen. Not that they have
eyes for anything that isn't marbled edges, bound half calf and
lettered. I got that out of the Publisher's Circular. They send it to
Pa once a fortnight, and I read it to see what new novels are coming
out. Pa won't let us belong to MUDIs's. He says that they're
orthodox enough but have no eye for impropriety. I haven't the least
idea what he means. I know ADA had a book lent her from there
that was just out, and there was a dreadful fuss about it when she lent
it to cook and cook left it on the hall table, and Pa got hold of it. I
always told her that she'd better go to the Museum. Not but what
it's dull there, and one sometimes wishes that one was a mummy so
that one might have a little notice taken of one ; but it's a quiet place
for a novel, and the chairs are comfortable, though the room, big

men in the library there are very obliging, and when I go in and ask
for the last thing out in the advertisements in the newspaper they'll
bring all three volumes at once. I enjoy one thing, and that is to soe
sphinxes glower at me. I make faces at 'em sometimes under the
pretence of tying my bonnet strings. Then they look like scornful
horses with distended nostrils; like the horses that one sees on the
what-do-you-call's-you know what I mean-Friezes or Freizes,
which is it? What a stupid thing it is that somebody don't
tell us when it's ie and when it's ei. Somebody pretended to give
a rule the other day. I heard Pa read about it in the paper,
and Pa said of course everybody knew that: but the next day some-
body else had written a letter to the paper to show that the first one
was wrong,-and then Pa did what I thought was very absurd, he
said yes, of course everybody knew that: just as if we didn't remaem-
ber anything about what he'd said at first. Pa thinks himself
clever. He fancies that I'm in training for a sphinx myself, for I
know he's heard that I spend a good deal of time at the Museum, but

as it is, is stuffy, and one would like to take one's things off; and it
isn't quite the sort of place to eat a bath bun in, which is what I always
have for lunch, though the shiny stuff outside makes your fingers
sticky and ruins your gloves and smells like treacle, and certainly does
make marks on the leaves when you turn 'em over-yet one can lose
oneself if one only gets used to the singular fact that the gentlemen
there, and particularly the young gentlemen, will not stare at one, and
will persist in treating one like a sarcophagus or a scarabcmus, or some
of those things that they put up in all the corners and leave about on
dark landings all over the place. I don't wonder at it much, for really
to see some of the frights that one meets with ; all of 'em dressed up to
the model of the sphinx. Oh I know what the sphinx is. She lived
in the middle of the sandy desert and spenther time in guessing conun-
drums or else in asking riddles, or perhaps it was making up rebuses,
I'm not quite sure which. She'd a deal better have made herself up a
decent dress or a spring bonnet, and she must have been fonder of sand
than I am, except at Margate or Ramsgate, where I must say that the
sand's a deal,fresher than the novels, and who is it that always goes
to the seaside for the express purpose of always having the second
volume of everything and refusing to give them up till everybody else
is just going away ? It's better at the MuEeum, ever so much, so long
as you don't bother yourself with their stupid catalogues. The young

not for- dear me, my name isn't JOSEPH, it's JULIA-don't you
think it pretty ? I don't-at least, I might if people didn't call one
Ju, or JULEY, which sounds like JUDY, and then one might as well
have been named JUDITr at once, which isn't a bad name, sounds like
nails and hammers, or was it a double-edged sword-you know what

I mean, that affair with SI1sRA, or was it another person named
HOLOFERNEs. Talking of that, there were no ferns at Ecolesbourno
this year. They had been cleared out by the men that hawk them
about the streets. I know nothing about ferns, oh dear no, but they
look pretty in a glass case. I've not studied botany; thanks, no, I'm
not a sphinx at present. I wonder whether they, I mean our friends
at the Museum, are some of the female persons that have been
rejected. Rejected I mean by the revising barrister; I hope so I'm
sure, and I rather think one or two are, for I noticed a blue bonnet anid
a buff parasol are at each end of a table. You see I've got back tl
bonnets, and it's easier for one to get a bonnet into one's head than on
to one's head. I declare that's a pun or a joke, or something, isn't it ?
Dear me, I'm afraid I shall be making conundrums next, and then one
becomes a sphinx oneself.

DEAD SEA FRaIT.-From grog-blossoms.



PmOLOGrE.-An Attorney's Office at Portsmouth. JoHn DaRsmmom
(JOSIAH CHADDOcxK' Glerk) discovered with CHARLEY SPRAGGS
his Under-Clerk.
DRUMMOND (moodily).-I am unlike a sweetstuff-maker's holiday,
for I am but a lawyer's clerk, whereas that is a cloyer's lark.
SPRAGGS.-Amusingly expressed. But you are not merely lawyer's
clerk, for you are also devoted to waggery-culture.
DaUMMOND (incisively).-Neatly put.
DRuMMo'n.-Bolder and Green want the money you hold in trust
for the old lady.
CRADDOCK (aside).-And I have misappropriated it! But I always
keep forged cheques handy, for such emergencies, and here is one.
(Aloud) Spraggs, get this cheque cashed immediately. (Gives him a
forged cheque.) Bring it "short "-and shortly.
SPrAGos.-Gaily turned. I am, in two senses, an off'un. [Exit.
CRADDOcx.-A pleasant conceit. Give me my cloak. I hook it on
(does so), and now-I hook it off. [Exit.
DauMMoNn. -A rare jest. But he little thinks that I have, in my
pocket, the blotting-paper with which he dried his forgery.
MILDRED.-Is pa here ?
DaUMMOND (sternly).-Il n'est pas!
MILDRED (aside).-Amusing scoundrel! (Aloud) Then I will away.
DauMMOND.-Stay. I love you! True, I am not pretty--.
MILDRED (sheuddering).-No-no,-you are not,-you are not!
DavuoMND.-Then you spurn me ?
MALDRED.-I do. You trifled with my twin sister, and I loathe you
for it. "Loathe there the gentle clerk!"
DaUMMOND.-An apt repartee! But perhaps you love Lieutenant
Linden, R.N. ?
MILDRED.-Perhaps I do. Why not ?
DRUMMOND.-Because he is a willing' !
LINDEN (proudly).-He is-a-willin' to marry her !
DaRUMMOND.--Amusingly turned! (Aside) But this is embarrassing.
LINDEN.-Apologize for the slander, or I thrash you.
DBUMMOND.-Stay your hand, thrash youth !
LINDEN.-Gay quibbler! But that shall not serve ye. Take that!
[Thrashes hsmn.
Enter CEADnnocX.
CADDnoex.-Ha! My noble Linden!
LINDEN.-Sir, I love your daughter.
CRADDOCKx.-Take her Why should I deprive her of her Linden ?
Even John Brown had a little Linden !
DauMMOND.-A quaint just. But I will be even with ye both.
Enter a BAsxc MANAGER and a POLICEMAN.
BANK MANAGER.-This cheque is a forgery, and suspicion points to
you, Josiah Craddock.
CHADDOCK (with Maihl. inseignation).-It is very rude to point.
DuMNmOND.-Cieverly evaded. But the ingenious subterfuge shall
avail ye little. (To 'Polieeman)-He did commit the forgery-here is a
proof impression of it on his blotting-paper !
[CILADDOCK is taien into custody. General consternation. Tableau.
ACT I.-ALICE's Lodging. ALICE (MILDRED'S twill sister) discovered.
ALIOE.-Mildred and I were twins, but she is dead and I live.
DUMMOND.-Alice, I love you!
ALIC.-Mlonster! Leinster, Connaught, Ulster, and Monster!
DBiUEMOND.-A gay pun. But you shall yet be mine. You remem-
her your sister Mildred, who married Linden, U.N., and died abroad,
all alone-and whom you so exactly resemble ?
ALICE.-I do. (Pointing to door) A-doo!
DRUMMOND.-Pleasant jester! But I am not going yet. What
would you do if I proved to you that Linden, R.N., deserted her, and
left her to die of starvation ?
ALICE.-What would I do ? (With terrible determination.)-It
strikes me that I would strike him. (Apologetically.)-No pun ish
DRUMMOND (turning it neatly).-Would be too severe for him. I
quite agree with you.
ALICE.-Irngenious word-twister! I will assist you: there is my
hand on it. [They swear. Tableau.
ACT II.-The LINDENS' Country ibue.
Enter SiR HARRY LINDzN and DOCTOR GRACE in hunting dress.
DR. G.-You are now enjoying the dignity of being a baronet, my
young friend, and are barn' it with distinction.

[SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.

Sin HARRY L.-Agreeable punster! But why do you hunt in fi-h-
ing boots ?
DR. G.-It is my gay fancy. [Exit DR. GRIACE.
6nE HARRY L.-Oh, my late wife-my poor Mildred! I have kept
my marriage with you a secret. I don't know why, but I have.
[Gazes at her portrait.]-E-ter, LADY ETHEL.
LADY E. (Aside.)-Harry gazing at a lady's picture! Ha! he
hisses it. This is embracing-I mean embarrassing.
SIR HARRY L. (having heard the la-st words.)-An amusing jcu de not.
[Conceals portrait hastily.]-Enter Dn'nMMOsn.
DRUaMMOND.-Sir Harry, you once thrashed me. Now my turn has
come. Lady Ethel, you are not that man's wife. He was married
before, and his first wife, Mildred, to whom he was knotted, is not dead.
SIa HARRY L.-Entertaining wit! But you lie.
DaRmmOND.-Not so. Behold !
ALICE enters, looking the "very moral" of her sister.
SmI HARRY L.-It is indeed my long-lost Mildred!
[LADY ETHEL faints. Tableau.
SIR HARRY and DOCTOR GRACE discovered.
SIR HARRY L.-Yes; it is always annoying when a man, who
thinks he is a widower, marries again, and his first wife turns up.
Da. G.-But I cannot help thinking that there is some imposition
here. You married your first wife in England-you never mentioned
your marriage to anyone-you took her abroad, and left her in Italy
-you heard from some one that she was dead, and you immediately
married again, without verifying the statement, or mentioning the
matter to a soul. What could be more noble and straightforward than
that? And now the first wife turns up! Impossible! Come, one
more pun before we part!
SIR HARRY L.-Jovial jester !
Enter DaRUMMOND, drunk.
DRUMMOND.-Suppose I prove to you that the woman whom you
believe to be your first wife is not your first wife ? I will do so if you
will give me h if your fortune!
Sm iHARY L (aside.)-Ha! (Aloud)-Oh!
DaRUMMOND (aside).-But I've said too much. I'm drunk. I shallsay
no more. As the proverb says, In vino I'm a veritable ass." [Exit.
Smi HARRY L.-Gone! But I begin to think with you, dear Doctor,
that there is a plant here.
Da. G.-Yes; and a very green one, too!
SIR HARRY L.-Always ready with an apt reply!
SCENE 2.-Third Story of ALICE'S Lodging in St. James's.
ALICE and LADY ETHEL discovered.
LADY E. (who, as she has just been deprived of her supposed husband, is
gorgeously d, essed as for a Botanical fJte).-Leave us-go abroad!
ALICE.-Never! He is my husband! [But of course he isn't.
LADY E.-Cruel, cruel woman! [Exit.
ALICE.-Ha! Drummond comes! Go into that rooln and wait.
[Exit LADY ETHEL intu inner room.0]--.L,. DsUMMOND.
DRuMMOND.-Sir HIarry will give us half his fortune if we will go
away. Then you shall be mine! [S-ecs her.
ALICE.-Never! Help! Help! [They struggle.
Enter Everybody, including JosIAH CiAD])oo'K and SPRAGGS, swho throws
D1iUMMOND out of window into tei street.
SPRAGGS.- Strange A crowd is collecting!
ALICE.-He is dead!
CRADDOCK.-NO matter. There let him lie. (They do.) I am only
a forger, and you are a mere impostor; bit he is a per-on who could
tamely submit to a sound thrashing. Llss me, my child, for am I not
virtuous now, and have I not my ticket of leave?
AmLic.-You are and-you have. Though you were a forger, you
were open to conviction."
ALL.-A rare and entertaining jest!
OURSELVES.-A very good pieco of its claos ; but the comic scenes
are too long. The dialogue is brisk and good, though over-flavoured
with puns. The situations are strong and the interest is sustained.
Ma. Cowlsnv plays Drummond exceedingly well. He should give up
juvenile tragedy, for which he has no aptitude, and stick to eccentric
comedy. Miss FoorE is, of conure, charming. MR. PARSELLE is MaR.
HFsar HAYNES is as much like a baron, t as lie is like a lieutenant in
the navy-and utterly unlike both. Why is he allowed to wear a
moustache as a naval officer ? A word of commendation to Me.
BRoox, who has about three lines to spe.k, and speaks them excel-
lently. The scenery is, on the whole, fairly good, but very conven-


WE hail with pleasure a new volume on Bad English, by MAR.
WASSHINGTON MooN, whose clear and able criticisms are wholesome
and refreshing in this age of slipshod and ignorance. Since the time
when he took DPA.N ALFORD to task, and exposed the DEAN's blunders
with a pitiless but courteous hand, he has been one of our chief
authorities on English.
The volume before us is perhaps more valuable because more
immediately handy and useful than that which first made Hi. MooN's
name famous. It contains examples of almost all the ordinary blunders
of speaking and writing, with rules for their avoidance and for the
adoption of the right course, all laid down in clear and concise terms.
Ma. Moox does not exempt the revered LINDLEY MURRAY from
censure, proving the noted grammarian, out of his own writings, to
have committed many breaches of his own laws. MxESSRS. MAs Hand
GOuLD, two Americans, who, with their national audacity, have
ventured to set themselves up as authorities in English, get handled
more severely-as they well deserve. The American language is a
degenerate and debased language, disfigured by slang and vulgarisms.
We can cordially commend this book to our readers. No one who
is called on to write or speak twenty consecutive words of English
should be without it. It will be invaluable to writers-especially
those who have to write against time. The 11II Mall and the Saturday
Review-and perhaps the Times-ought to have copies in their offices,
and would do well to present copies to the various members of the

The Servian Question,
IF-as the papers are for ever informing us-the Servian's (S)kup's
china, of what is his saucer made ?


Frank Leslie's Budget.
WHEN a man prosecutes a pickpocket or any other blackguard, he
expects abuse from the prisoner's lawyer. W\hou we pilloried the
scamp who, under the alias of FRANIK LESLIE, perpetuates in his
adopted country the habits of theft, for tho which his native lahind
would have vomited him forth int) penal servitude if ho had not pru-
dently taken himself off; we quite expected all that one might expect
of a British polecat trying to prove that it is an American skunk. We
have received the Budget for October, and our expectations are not
The pitiful rogue dare not faithfully quote the notion which he
makes the text of his diatribe, but he is mean enough to liy the blame
of the plagiarism on a "dilapidated Cockney who was allowed to
edit during the absence of FRANx LEsLIE (to use th, nli:s by which
he is knovsn to the police on both sides of the Atlantic) and to assure
his readers that the subordinate is dismissed. We wonder is the dis-
missel Cockney a fraudulent engraver, who swindled his brother
" chips and fled to America, who somehow becoming a commissioner
at the Paris Exhibition, was confronted at Paris by a brother comn-
missioner, to whom he was in debt for rent when he absconded to
New York.

A CONTEMPORARY, which appears to have been in the sun, says that
Sa marriage is to take place between the son of COUNT WVALEIWSKI and
the daughter of"-and here it breaks off suddenly and sa> s Co'rT
SALA." Versatile as MI. SALA is, and ubiquitous as h liappears at
times to be, we never had any difficulty in counting him, and wn fuiar
that our contemporary's sudden effort to count Mit. SALA is 'a sign of
WALEWSKx-we beg pardon-of whiskey in the hair.

7 _,

(Awful state of things consequent on late legal proceedings.)
cracking all over "
fHodson (improving the occasion) :-" So YOU ARE, MY LADY AND WHAT'S

MY first to my second submitted
Are sometimes found out in the wrong;
That citizen is to lbe pitied
Who gets jostled out in the throng.
1.-We know he'd friends in days of ull,
As a sagacious doctor told.
2.-She walked in the forest priniv il,
[ler lover did badly without hl r;
At least if you like to believe all
A poet has told us about her.
3.-Ah happy King, he toppedd tou tak
This up, and prized it for her sale.
4.-As gay as butterfly he walked
Amid the world's hard strife,
Of trivial things he always talked,
And made a joke of life.
5.-In "the mid sea that moans with memories"
(Vide GEORGE ELIoT) this hill, if you pleas,
Has blazed and burst for many centuries.
6.-" Thank Heaven," he said devoutly, to i friend;
"I've come at last unto my journey's end."
7.-Whether you win or lose, or hit or miss,
Whatever happens it must still be this.
8.-He shut himself up in a cavo, and he died
With a rope round his waist inconveniently tied.
9.-I-Ie came to the loveliest lady
That ever was knelt to. "I fear,"
She said, that your prospects are shady,
So bolt-with a flea in your ear."
SOLrTION OF AcRosTIc No. 79.- Voters, Lodger : Veal,
Odo, Tered, Egg, Rime, Sailor.
Clonglocketty; Slodger and Tiny ; Bondellis ; Jack Sulved Jt;
D.E.11.; The Great Green Mlugger of Ashton; 2 E'nterprising
Earwigs; Bravo Ned; "Linda Princess."

The Irrepressible Humming-bird Hawk Moth.
a LADY has written to the papers to say that she has seen
recently in Staffordshire, Cheshire, and Warwickshire,
"humming-birds" with plumage of a reddish-brown
speckled on the back with white. Either the good lady
has mistaken a moth for a bird, or she is doing the
"humming herself.

SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.]



28 F U 1 [SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.

Tourist No. 1 (who speaks German) :-" WASS HABN SBIB P"
Tourist No. 2 (who doesn't speak German, and knows that this question has generally resulted in a dish of veal) :-" Fox GOODNESS SAKE, JACK,

"Report of the Rainfall Committee for the year 1867-8."-By Pao-
THE Professor pointed out, in the case of inclined and tipping-
funnelled umbrellas, the necessity of keeping the instrument perfectly
level. During a summer shower, a tilt of one degree will cause a
difference of 0-2 per cent. of the amount of rain collected on the coat-
collar, and in winter, of 3 or 4 per cent. The learned Professor also
remarked that where the rainfall was greatest, the dampness of the
earth was, by a singular coincidence, found to increase in a correspond-
ing degree.
Report on Luminous ieteors."-BY ME. J. GLAISHER.
The author had scarcely commenced reading his paper, when an
enthusiastic Italian, connected with the Observatory at Rome, shouted
Up in ze balloon, boys up in ze balloon !
All among ze little tings, and round about ze moon,
Up in ze balloon, boys! up in ze balloon!
Oh, it's sometings awful jolly to go up in ze balloon."
On the enthusiast resuming his seat, a paper was read by PaOFrsson
On Storm- Warnings in the Mauritius."
The author said that storms and hurricanes, indeed, even cyclones,
were frequently foretold by a fall of the barometer. The greatest fall
of this kind the Professor remembered was that preceding the cyclone
of 1859, when a barometer he had affixed to the top of a palm-tree
was so affected by the pressure of the atmosphere that it fell to the

On Chemistry as a Branch of .Education."-By Mn. S. LIGNUM.
THE author considered his subject under three heads:-To whom
could it be taught ? How most easily and practically ? When and
at what age ? With regard to the first, he would say, to no one
thoroughly. As to the second, he had not yet quite made up his
mind. With reference to the third, he thought 85 about the age
for a pupil to commence studying the elementary parts of the science,
as, before that age, some boys would be whispering-others rubbing
feet-and others blowing noses-others playing the fool generally.
The learned gentleman strongly reprobated the practice of blowing
noses, and hoped shortly to be able to prepare a paper on that im-
portant subject.
Section 0.-GEoLOGY.
" On Natural Roeking-Horses, and Artificial Rocking-Stones."-By
Section .D.-BIOLOGY.
.Department of Zoology and Botany.
Report on Sponges, with description of a remarkably New Genus.- By
the REv. A. Mi. SAXON.
The New Genus was exhibited, and about eighty other species
of sponges were introduced, but the President said these were so well
known in the neighbourhood of Cursitor-street, Took's-court, and the
Strand, that it was a waste of time to enter into details concerning
them. The proceedings then terminated, and the sponges withdrew,
muttering muchly.

No Rule Without an Exception.
IT is perfectly possible to draw a comparison without using a parallel
rule. On the other hand you cannot draw a check for a million with
no other aid than a plum(b) line.

F U N.-SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.

Hopeful Son :-" OH! WON'T I CUT A DASH, JUST!"

SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.] F T N 4l

OUR FU N-D 0 NE LET TER the beginning of an undoubtedly sensation:d story, The Facr in the'
SG1lass, .which opens with vigour. In spit, of its rather quaint titlh
-*- "BILL and Jo.," is a clever bit of veise, and I Vae.iatioin is simply
TII lI"THE London, Chathm'n. and Dover Railway, I charming. An article on tih modern methods of studying poisons will
S. am glad to be able to state, has given way. also be read witii interest.. It treats chilly of two arrow-poison5I,
1 ';/ A month arid more ago it raised its fares and '- woorara" and "corroval," which have very ttrange peculiarities,
V '& ^ also a ston of indication on the part of the and it describes-perhaps too minutely-the experiments that wur-e
| \ [-~-- public. Last Sunday, though it did not lower tried on the unhappy bodies offrogs-thoso unlucky creatures sharing :
r- I' its fares, it brought down its tunnel under with rabbits an unenviable popularity in the dissecting room andi
"."i ...! :y, Sydenham Hill Had the fall taken place on chemist's studio. Lucky for pour froggy that he possesses the power
_.4.'i i any other day the consequences would have here mentioned of turning his stomach inside out and extending it
bc:en disastrous, for in spite of its decreasing from his jaws so as to be able to clean it most expertly with his fore
revenue some people still travel by the line. The description of the legs." Oh, aldermen and members of city companies; oh, dyspeptics
accident (which, by the way, has been kept out of most of the papers) is and sufferers from liver, don't you all envy froggy that glo ious
worthy of note. The accident was discovered by some one, who privilege?
found large timbers lying across the line, and it proved to be the Is both Science Gossip and the Naturalist's 1-ote Book we liave the
falling-in of a shaft. In fact, the shn'ft of a tunnel bored through blue savants declaring against the Mosquito in England." They say
clay had been constructed with wood only-because it was out of sight. that the supposed "skeetors" are only gnats whose bites were more
Had it been visible it would have consisted of bricks in layers of yellow venomous because of the hot weather. I suppose we must give in
and red after the "streaky bacon style of architecture, as displayed when naturalists and scientific men are so positive, but I must say
in Ludgate Station-nay, it is not impossible that the bricks' ends that I give in with difficulty, because many friends who have had a
would have been gilt. If it had only been an obtrusive job advertising long acquaintance with the little bloodsucker in his native climes have
the contractor, it would not have consisted of rotten boards, but as it assured me that they recognized him recently not only by sight but
happened to be out of sight, rotten boards would do-anything is good by ear.
enough to brain a third-class passenger with-and it would have been A TRuATISE on jModern Dentistry, by Ma. A. ESKIELL, has reached
third-class passengers that the accident would have injured. In fact, me. I have no doubt it is a valuable and interesting treatise; but I
the-less people travel by that bankrupt and also tunnel-rupt line the am such a martyr to neuralgia, that dentistry is a subject about which
better for them! 1 am frequently compelled to "hold my jaw." If Ml. EssrKuL. v':m
THn Cornhill compels me to ask a question that has been hovering draw as well as write, 1 dare say his illustrations of dentistry would
on my lips since the first magazine of the month came under my be effective.
notice. What is Miss EDnWARDs about ? But a short while since she
was delighting everybody with her grace and power. This month, A TOUCHING APPEAL.
every cut with her name is a disappointment. I know what engraving
can do to spoil drawings, but it would be madness to suppose such an OG, Fortune, deign to turn your wheel
unanimous outburst of bad cutting as this. The number is more than One minute in my favour;
ordinarily texvy-containing only five articles besides the novels, so You can't deny I've shown a deal
that long-windedness has the best of it. Mu. MACFARREN takes Of what folks call "uncommon zeal;"
twenty pages of heavy prose to avenge himself on "the English," Then listen to the last appeal
who are "not a musical nation." "Pocket Boroughs" is readable, Of an unlucky shaver.
and (if yon sleep a good deal) so is The Victorial." I have classed I never yet drew aught but blanks;
" Theology in Extremis among the papers, though I suppose it would I've suffered by your coldness;
claim to be verse-but it is dreary reading enough to be prose. But if you'd earn my warmest thanks,
Ix Temple PBar this month I am inclined to think "the Haunted Just put me in the foremost ranks,
Garden is the best-certainly the most amusing-paper. Captain With cash in all the City banks;
Tinderbox" is hardly up to the mark, though well mennt. It does And pray excuse my boldness.
not reach the standard we should expect the publishers of the immortal
Ingoldsb' Legends to set up in the matter of such verse. There is a Don't make me constantly rog
good paper on the late RATJAI BROOKE. I am sorry to see that You've been so long short-sighted;
"Kitty," a clever story by the author of "Dr. Jacob," is to be You may repair the error yet,
succeeded by a novel by the authoress of Cometh up as a Flower," And give employment to DEsnrTT ;
and "Not wisely but too well "-books that are as unwholesome as Are there no titles one could getr
they are unworkmanlike. It's time my wrongs wore righted.
IsN St. Pauls we have rather a better illustration than Ma. MILLAIS 'Mongst those who daily make complaint,
has favoured us with of late. A Song of Angiola is good, though I've prayed as loud as any;
scarcely equal to the -previous verses of A. D." The other papers No monk of old, in language quaint,
are of the usual excellence of this capital magazine. The article on E'cr pleaded to his patron baint
the Norfolk Broads is vividly picturesque. With greater zeal, till sick and faint,
THIS number of the Sunday Magazine finishes the volume rnd winds I'd almost bet-a penny.
up the two stories. "The Seaboard Parish" is a clev r story, but
regarded as a novel it is written on a new principle. All of it, except It's no use telling me to take
about the last forty lines, might be called the opening chapter," and Advice from AEsor's fables,
those forty lines might be called "the story." The Occupations of a I have pushed till my shoulders achc,
Reti-red Life," though a quiet story, is interesting and lifelike; but I don't think llERCULIs could make
in many instances the petticoat of its author has made itself visible. A greater effort with a rake,
The illustrations to both stories have done much to make the maga- To cleanse Augean stables.
zine successful in this volume. In Good Words we have some very Your oldest daughter's far too kind,
interesting papers, and some telling illustrations. MR. StALL, is espe- She sadly lacks discretion.
cially happy in the picture of the old man and child in the hollow oak. To all her whims I seem resign'd,
"The Thieves' Quarter," by Dr. Gilbert, is apaprr that everyone should But if she only knew my mind
read-a plain and unexagg,-rAted statement of facts. Ma. KINGos ExY 1 think her face would be inclined
contributes an interesting paper on Rondelet, the Huguenot natu- To alter its expression.
I CANNOT say much this month for the pictures which "adorn the My friends pretend to be sincere,
Quiver. MESSeS. PASQUIsri, BRA.DLEY, and STANIANi), have had scant In preaching up contentment.
justice done them ; and, failing illustrations, the magazine as a rule has Bah! here am I, year after year,
little literary merit to commend it. I cannot say that I think Sci ipture Obli:ged to be content. Look her o-
Enigmas a desirable feature. I cannot see that because such a riddle Just grant me eighty thousand clear,
appears in a goody magazine it is a bit more reverential than the ques- To show you've no resentment.
tion "where was Moses when the candle went out?" But then angels
(in their own estimation) may rush in where fools would fear to Defined-Not Refined.
tread; and pious folks are guilty of irreverences which the worldly" Defined-Not Refined.
would never dream of. OUR caustic friend SMArr, who dined lately at the Mansion House,
THERE is a thoughtful paper about that thoughtful writer HAw- declares that, taking into consideration the eating and the oratory,
TIIORNE in the current number of the Atlantic Monthly ; and there is he believes the best name for Civic banquets is Stuff and Nonsense."

32 F TJ N [SEPTEMnE' 26, -?3.

LIF E IN L O G. prayer-meeting : so that it is pro-
LIFE IN LODG IN G S. able they will become deacons '
by-and-by. If that fails, they w
IX.-LODGERS. will set up as -hip-stock-or ,
.hare-brokers, an employment I 1 ,
IN various quarters of London there are that will afford ample scope for
districts entirely given over to the North their Northern keenness. They
Briton. Of these, the most populous and look forward (when they shabl
most'popular is Pentonville. The three have made enough money to)
C graces which it possesses in the eyes of the become eligible) to be elected
canny Scot are these:-It is cheap-and elders.
the Scot who would pay a penny where he The Second Floor Back con-
could get anything like the same article tains a jolly Scotchman, who is regarded by the
for a halfpenny is indeed the Great Un- rest of the inmates as a "brand." He has a
/ -known. It is within walking distance of small appointment in the Customs, and is well-
/ the City-and the Scot invariably walks, educated. He is a great speaker at the Young
except when he can get a ride-for nothing. Men's Society, a ready orator and a smart writer.
Lastly, it is possible to see the nationall It is to be hoped that the gloom of his abode will
kirk" in Regent-square from any part of not drive him to the tavern,
Pentonville-and we know that, like Sa where he may degenerate
-' PERTINAX McSYCOPHANT, every Scot t into a mere Debating Society
"gangs to the kirk." 'x -Spouter.
In this pleasant district there are many lodging-houses kept by I Si. The Front Attic is a wood-
Scotch people of limited means, who let to young men just imported cutter-not a feller of trees,
raw from the North. They thus combine a profitable business with but a graver of box-wood. His connection with
the pious profession of regard for the welfare of their young country- the arts has imbued him wiih a tinge of Bo-
men amid the snares and temptations of Southern wickedness; and hemianism, and he is accordingly pronounced
this gives their penurious souls the double delight of saving the "no soond," by the deacons and other old ladies
bawbees as well as the boys. We will select a house at random from of the kirk. Having, moreover, once let fall the
Hotspur Crescent, a collection of apparently well-built mansions. In remark that SHAKESPEARE was a greater poet
the particular abode we take there is a bed in every room in the than BunNs, he is looked upon as utterly lost.
house, except one and The Back Attic is a quiet,
that is excepted because it inoffensive little fellow, sel-
contains two. During the dom seen more seldom
daytime, it is true, there heard. He is as subdued
is no appearance of sleep- and shy as a stray cur; and
ing arrangements in the if he doesn't get as many
second-floor front, and in ick as that animal, hardly
the drawing room. But gets more halfpence. He
towards night the sofa in the "''. is the servant of MExsss.
former, and the side-board 1 HoosoN and Co., who are
in the latter apartment blos- i II \ "goody book" publishers,
som into beds, like those and who showed their
flowers mentioned by the Christiai.ity by engaging
bard which give out their him for about ten pounds
fragrance by night only. ---- yewoar less than any mere
T'o account for the occu- h e him he would
nation of several ofthe rooms S-im have given him. He works
we will summon before you ---- ten hours a day, and is not
the landlord and his family. likely to get a holiday until
Here they are, going to kirk. a date not far distant when
By trade he is a deacon and --- the hacking cough, which
a tallyman, an occupation ten hours' hard work a day
which to the credit of is not calculated to cure,
Scotland be it spoken-no Englishman has ever adopted. McGRINDEMN, creates a vacancy in HoosoN's, and leaves an
however, manages to make a profitable business of it. He is just the aching void in a poor mother's heart in the far y
man to do it! Bless you, if he were cast ashore with his crew of North. He came to HoosoN's to be finished,"
lodgers on a desert island, he would extract a nourishing puree from and Hoosox. and Co. are conscientious people, and
flints as the first course of the dinner at which he would feed on his will "finish him beyond question.
crew. In vain do the unhappy wives, whom it is the very genius of One might fancy that the list we have enume-
the tally trade to seduce into "bargains" in the absence of their hus- rated would be sufficient for one house. But we
bands, implore McGsINDaM for mercy. They might as soon hope to have overlooked one personage-the Slavey." I
get milk out of the little brass knocker on the door of his shop in She is of a serious turn of mind, and can allow
Clerkenwell. He does not allow business to intrude on the Crescent. herself, with impunity, to be dodged in the Lesser
MAc and his wife occupy the Front Parlour. His daughters sleep Catechism. She sleeps under the stairs, where
on the sofa in the second floor front, and the young hopefuls are she dreams fondly of one of her master's col-
turned into the sideboard in the drawing-room, where they amuse lectors, a tall, thin young Scot, with yellow hair
themselves with leap-frog early in the morning, to the delight of the and a cold grey eye. Poor thing, her dreams
lodgers, until MAC rushes in upon them with a yard measure and gets may never be realized. He is far too shrewd a
silence. fellow to marry except for money, and she is,
The Back Parlour is the abode of a fiery-headed native of Inverness, despite her Scotch extraction, not at all likely to save on the wages
depicted in the initial. Like the Irish, the Scotch occasionally are McGRIuNDEM pays her.
under the strong impression that they can speak English very much
better than Englishmen do. Our Inverness friend is great in this Not SewI
belief. He reads Adam Smith, whom he considers not only the A CU LA rites to inform us of a curious phenomenon. She
greatest of men, but the greatest of Scotbchmen; and he thinks him- A aCu s ADm writes to inform us of a curious phenomenon She
self a notable orator, and spouts about political economy at Young has a sewing-machine which is an accomplished vocalist. It begins
Men's Societies and Church Meetings, to the prostration of his hearers, with a little "hemming" to clear its thrat, and then "runs up" the
Not content with that, he practises at his lodgings, with a candle, a seam or scale with Should he up-braid." We presume it is a
loud voice and a looking-glass. Singer Sewing Machine."
In the Back Drawing Room beside two model young men--GurNT
and GROAN we will call them. They are in a humble way at present, BENEFIT (F) OF CLERGY.
and "chum" for economy, for neither, of them loves his neighbour WHAT a name for one of the latest engines of war!-" The Parsons
more than himself. They are uncoo guid," first at kirk and longest at Converted Gun."

SEPTEMBER 26, 1868.] F UJ N 33


O N board the Albert Victor-
A ship that's quite a picture,
Few ships have ever licked
"a. I sailed one day from
-^ ^town:
j in' And because I would as far
As Ramsgate or as Margate,
I shipped with CAPTAIN
That seaman of renown.
The day was rather gusty,
As we left the city dusty,
With its steamboat-piers so
And mudbanks broad
\ and brown.

I ___________________

A queer lot our ship did
There were ToM, DICK, BILL,
and HAuilY,

Bound for certain weeks to tarry
By the margin of the sea.
Exchanging counter-skipping
For a little summer tripping,
And they talked about the shipping
As lively as could be.
If they'd had the means of knowing
How brisk a breeze was blowing
At sea, where they were going,
It would have damped their glee!
On deck a lot of Jews were :
Yellow and buff their shoes were;
And they uncommon screws were
Whene'er the band came round"-
A feature which discloses
The nature of friend MOsas
As much as lips or noses,
As I have always found.
Their toilet was transcendent,
Their jewellery resplendent,
Each massive chain and pendant
Mosaic, I'll be bound.
There were cockneys short and tallish,
And cads quite music-hall-ish,
Whose hats were low and smallish,
Who smoked such vile cigars.
There were damsels dressed genteelly,
Who smiled and said Oh, really !"
And dropt their "b's" freely
And talked of mars" and "pars."
There were children, darling creatures,
Such fidgety young screechers,-
Their pastors and their teachers
Were born neathh luckless stars !
And so the maidens giggled-
The children (bless them) wriggled-
The gorgeous Hebrews higgled-
The Champagne Charlies swore-
The cockneys kept on dropping
Their h's without stopping
From the ancient stairs of Wapping.
Until they reached the Nore!
Then the sea began its rolling
As the ship went onward bowling,
And the passengers got frightened,
And their lengthening faces whitened,
And they found the vessel's pitching
By no means so bewitching,
And our luckless friends, the Hebrews,
Felt the pangs a lively sea brews,
And the Cockneys, wretched sinners,
Gave themselves up-and their dinners,
And the damsels all dishevelled
Wished the ocean could be levelled,

As they staggered off to leeward
With imploring cries of steward,"
And the smokers, to restrain Oh's,"
Kept smoking like volcanoes,
And some away like chaff throw
Cigars they'd not smoked half through,
And asked with faces pallid
For nips of brandy, calid,
While the brats whose row was hateful
Grew so ill it made one grateful.
And so the good ship bore us,
Till Ramsgate lay before us ;
Though some folks off the Foreland
Believed they'd never more land ;
But the gallant captain's clear head
Soon steered them to the pier-head,
And thus the journey pleasant
Was ended for the present.

The Government Schoolmaster Abroad I
Fot a long period we have taken the greatest pains to point out,
the and which blunder, hoping that in time we should be ablo to
render its appearance less frequent. But what are we to do it' the
Government interferes and lends its countenance to the vulgarism.
The Minister of Education endorses the error!
In a letter addressed to the HON. Ma. BRODnRICK, the candidate for
Woodstock, the DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH obliges the world with this
elegant passage:-
"I am in receipt of your letter of the 7th instant, containing certain inquirie to
which a categorical answer is expected from me, and in reply I beg to observe that
when a correspondence of this nature is originated, and which concludes with the
intimation, etc."
The Lord President of the Council of Education deserves to be whipped
and put in a corner for signing his name to a letter so ignorantly

At-las(t) I
WE see advertised in the papers The Atlas for India." Is this
Mn. DISRAELI'S picturesque way of describing Loun MAYO, or is it the
title of a supplemented edition of a contemporary intended for the
colonies ? If MR. DISRAELI is anxious to make a demigod of that
worthy Irish nobleman we would suggest that he is less fitted to repre-
sent ATLAS than O'RYAN.

[We cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
G. R. (Liverpool) sends us some verses, and asks, could you make any
use of the enclosed." After mature deliberation, we believe we could make
pipelights of it.
F. the F.-Then why on earth did you send your Epitaph on a Wit
who Died of Ulcers to us P You must have a funny notion of editorial
duties if you suppose that we ought to have submitted your coarse nonsense
" to the impartial decision of the public," only appending a modest foot-
THE sender of two foreign "facts" is thanked.
A LONDONER.-If you will look in our back numbers you will find the
source of the "little specimen of your powers (of appropriation F) which
your friends consider capital.
FLIRBERTIGo IBET.--Under consideration.
A. H. (Naas.)-Have the goodness to road our rules, and another timo
send stamps if you want MS. returned. It has cost us twopence already.
Y. (Greenwich.)-Weo repeat Why Greenwich F" There is not a smilo
to be found in the joke-let alone a grin.
NEMo (Kensington).-Don't send a-nemo-re.
I. C. G.-Thanks.
F. M.-Some will do.
A SUBSCRIBER (Newberry).-Thanks, but the extract was not suitable
for publication.
RoD.-If the poor fellow who writes under this signature, and dates from
Bath, where his head has evidently been shaved quite recently, will send
his name and address, we will forward him a trifle for the amusement his
abusive letter has afforded us.
Declined with thanks :-W. G. B., Liverpool; Nophilcoccygia; Kufeus;
L. L. K.; D. 0. C., St. Helier ; Constant Subscriber; Veritas, Carmarthln;
P. R. J., Chelsea; X. Y. Z., Alford; G. F., Adam-street West; J. S. W. .K,
Upper Norwood; T. L., Dalston ; T. H. B., Islington ; S. 1'. C., Dudley;
Dondelotto; Poor Toby; HI. V., Maddox-Otreet; T. P. H., Blridport;
W. S., Montrose; Colonist, Cambridge; W. C. B., North Shields; T. L. S.;
C. M., Belfast; J. K. L., Colney Hatch.

34 FUN.

[SEPTEMBER 26, 1868,


Mum, Budget]
WE are to have a Pall Mall Budget in which all the good things our
evening contemporary says, will be repeated, as some wits with a high
estimate of their own cleverness tell you the good thing they said to
A. or B. last week. Let us earnestly hope that the following paragraph
from Occasional Notes will have the honour of embalmment in the
columns of the Budget:-
"The virulent cattle disease raging in America seems to be not without danger
to human beings. A man at Troy, New York, whose hands had been somewhat
seratch'd by berry bushes, afterwards skinned two cows which had died of the
disease, and soon after his arm-inoculated, it is believed, by virus from the cows
-swelled, and speedily resulted in death. One of his sisters who attended him als)
fell ill in the same way, and her recovery was declared doubtful."
"Arma virumque cano is the motto for the genius who penned that.
Think of an arm that resulted-speedily or otherwise-in death.

Won't wash-off.
THERE have been frequent incendiary fires of late in the neighbour-
hood of Cork. What a pity it is that the misguided creatures who
fire the ricks do not perceive that they are only blackening themselves
with burnt Cork.

Absit Omen I
THE papers are just now giving a paragraph to the effect that, the
captain of the ship Tory, who was convicted at the Old Bailey, up-
wards of twenty years ago, for murder and cruelties on the high seas,
but with the qualification that he was of unsound mind, and who has
since been confined as a criminal lunatic, has been liberated, under
certain sureties, his health having, it is belies ed, been completely re-
stored. He has been released at a doubtfully-selected time, when a
general election is on hand. It is to be hoped that he will not try his
hand again at Tory government. We may as well add that the
captain's name is not BENJAMIN.

Don't down with your Dust!
FOR mining speculations are ticklish affairs to deal with. Do they
fail ?-you are figuratively speaking "put in the hole." Are they
successful ? you will ever have a lode on your mind.

THE anticipation of an abundant wheat harvest this year has
happily been realized. It is pleasing to record the success of such a

BOYS' SUITS, 16s. TO 45s.



Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phomix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : September 26, 1868.

OCToBER 3, 1868.]


LEAFY COT, where
no dryrot
VHad ever been by
tenant seen,
Where ivy clung and
wopses stung,
Where beeses hummed and
drummed and strummed,
Where treeses grew and
breezes blew-
Sa A thatchy roof, quite water-
Where countless herds of dickybirds
Built twiggy beds to lay their heads
(My mother begs I'll make it eggs,"
But though it's true that dickies do
Construct a nest with chirpy noise
With view to rest their eggy joys,
'Neath eavy sheds, yet eggs and beds,
As I explain to her in vain
Five hundred times, are faulty rhymes.)
'Neath such a cot, built on a plot
0 freehold land, dwelt MARY and
Her worthy father, named by me
He knew no guile, this simple man,
No worldly wile, or plot, 3r plan,
Except that plot of freehold land
That held the cot, and MARY, and
Her worthy father, named by me
A grave and learned scholar he,
Yet simple as a child could be.
He'd shirk his meal to sit and cram
A goodish deal of Eton Gram.
No man alive could him nonplus
With vocative offlius.
No man alive more fully knew
The passive of a verb or two,
None better knew the worth than he
Of words that end in b, d, t.
Upon his green in early Spring
He might be seen endeavouring
To understand the hooks and crooks
Of HENRY and his Latin books,
Or calling for his Caesar, on
The Gallic War," like any don.
Or, p'raps expounding unto all
How mythic BALBUs built a wall.
So lived the sage who's named by me
To him one autumn day there came
A lovely youth of mystic name;
He took a lodging in the house
And fell a dodging snipe and grouse,
For, oh, that mild scholastic one
Let shooting for a single gun.
By three or four, when sport was o'er,
The Mystic One laid by his gun,
And made sheep's eyes of giant size,
Till after tea, at MARY P.,
And MARY P. (so kind was she)
She, too, made eyes of giant size,
Whose every dart right through the heart
Appeared to run that Mystic One.
The Doctor's whim engrossing him,
He did not know they flirted so.
For, save at tea, musa musv,"
As I'm advised, monopolised
And rendered blind his giant mind.
But looking up above his cup
One afternoon, he saw them spoon.
Aha! quoth he, you naughty lass,
As quaint old OVID says, 'Amas!' "
The Mystic Youth avowed the truth,
And, claiming ruth, he said, "In sooth
I love your daughter, aged man,
Refuse to join us if you can,

Treat not my offer, sir, with scorn,
I'm wealthy though I'm lowly born.
"Young sir," the aged scholar said,
"I never thought you meant to wed;
Engrossed completely with my books
I little noticed lovers' looks.
I've lived so long away from man
I do not know of any plan
By which to test a lover's worth
Except, perhaps, the test of birth.
I've half forgotten in this wild
A father's duty to his child.
It is his place, I think it's said,
To see his daughters richly wed
To dignitaries of the earth,
If possible, of noble birth.
If noble birth is not at hand,
A father may, I understand
(And this affords a chance to you)
Be satisfied to wed her to
A BOUeICArLT or BARINo-which
Means anyone who's jolly rich.
Now there's an earl who lives hard by,
Come, MARY, we will go and try
If he would like to marry thee,
If not, thy bride the maid shall be."
They sought the Earl that very day,
The sage began to say his say.
The Earl (a very wicked man,
Whose face bore Vice's blackest ban)
Cut short the scholar's simple talc,
And said in voice to make them quail,
" Pooh-go along-you re drunk, no doubt-
Here, PsTras, turn these people out!"

The Sage, rebuffed in mode uncouth,
Returning, met the Mystic Youth.
"My darling boy," the Sch ,lar said,
"Take MAYv-blessings on your head!"
The Mystic Boy undid his vest
And took a parchment from his breast,
And said, Now, by that noble brow
I ne'er knew father such as thou!
The sterling rule of common sense
Now reaps its proper recompense.
Rejoice, my soul's unequalled queen,

jJ..4, 1



S3F U N. [OroBER 3, 186S.

From JMiss Bertha Green to Miss Peplum Brown.
Mr DEAREST PPPYi,-It is a long while, isn't it ? but don't scold
me. If you only knew how I've been engaged, you wouldn't blame me
for not writing oftener. The last time, I think, was when I told you
about the races at Alexandra Park, and then I thought the cup
of bliss was at my lips, which has since' been dashed away. I
shan't break my heart, dear, for we have been on the Continent;
at least, as far as Boulogne and Calais and back to the Isle of Thanet,
which sounds better, I think, than Margate, though a pleasanter place
for comforts of every description, and especially tarts and prawns, I
don't believe exists in the world. I speak warmly, dearest PEPPY,

for it was at the tart shop in the High-street that I first met him who
is now-and even aunt MATTY says he is a most eligible creature-my
affianced It was his delicate attentions in protecting me from the
effects of a bottle of ginger beer that was too much up, and flew all
over my new satin jacket and soaked my bonnet strings, that first
attracted me, and the necessity of restoring a perfectly new cambric
handkerchief when we met in the evening at the Assembly Booms,
cemented an acquaintance which I believe, my dear friend, is calculated
to last through life.
You can't think how much older I feel since this night week, dear,
when all of a sudden, and without any previous warning, except those
indications of the tender passion which none can conceal, and which
certainly he made no effort to suppress-for my arm is really quite
bruised with his continual squeezing it-when I say, without any
further preparation than that-he asked me to be his.

We were at the Fairy Palace, dear, or I might have heard my own
heart beat; as it was, the.big drum beat instead, and whatIreplied was
rendered almost inaudible by the plashing of the fountains. Would you
believe it, dear! the FAiry Palace is the Agricultural Hall in disguise,
or, perhaps I'd better say- the place where you saw the fat cattle
when you came up at Christmas was, the FAIRY PALACE in dis-
guise. It's like a great transformation scene at the pantomime, dear,
-as though harlequin had waved his wand over the Realms of Roast
Beef and the mountains of marro.wy mutton, and turned it into the
Parterres of Princess Promenade, and the Chromatic Fountains of
Diatonic Delight in the Elysium of. Endless Refreshments. It must
have been done somehow in that way, deax, for everything's complete,
even to a big wreath that-I'm. sorry' to say gota little dusty with being

kiC r~Z'~Y~ T_

'eft lying about in the orchestra;. but wae-originally provided for
crowning a new prima donna, who- finding it a. few sizes too large,
carried it off on her arm like a market basket. But it doesn't matter
how she carried the'wieath, for her singing was delightful. I think it
must have been under the influence of her beautiful voice that EBn-Y
-did I say his nbme was HrBNY ?-addressed me in words that for a
moment seemed to go to the tune of the orchestra, and then to confuse
everything, so that I didn't recover till I heard people round me
saying "hush and preparing to bear MR. COLLINs play what they
call an obligateo" on the violoncello, and thenI came to, and had a good
cry behind the programme, and a Neapolitan ice. I shall send you word
when the day is fiaed : but that won't be for a long time. Perhaps
you'll be up again, and the cows will be mooing and the pigs wallowing
in their dens in the Fairy Palace before I know- for certain, for I'm
sorry to say HEaNRY is not uncomfortable at home. Your own BEanTA.
I I I I -.^

OcTOBER 3, 1868.] F U N 37


HERE is a, little difficulty involved in the
) following paragraph, since one is always
liable to, at least, an alarm of fire :-
Yesterday afternoon a singular fact was brought.
to light at a coroner's inquest, held by Mr. Payne, at
MSt. Bartholomew's hospital. Captain Shaw's buok of
instructions to .fremen was put in evidence, and in it
he states that: when men are woke up out of their
sleep by a cry of;fite at night, they become excited,
and try to escape. Hle then orders the firemen to
knock down all male persons trying to esoape-from a burning house, until they
have first. saved all the women and children- on the premises. His book, which
was yesterday made public property, was marked 'private.' "
Now, as we well know, the men of the-Fire Brigade are tolerablystal-
wart men as a rule, but they might by chance be called upon by the
rule of CAPTAIN SHAW'S book' to knock down a, very big and very
powerful man. Under these circumstances what: are they to do P
Does the CAPTAIN intend' them. to use their- axes Because, if so,
another difficulty arises, Suppose a&, man, who happened to be a
bachelor, was roused by a. cry of, fiie and- tried' to make his escape-
and suppose, as is more than probable, that the menwof the Brigade did
not know whether there were women' and:childten'in the hou'e or not
-are they to knock the escaping bachelor-down on spec ? Or again,
supposing the women and children tobe in a part ofi the house which
owing to the flames hasrbecome inaccessible, are the Brigade men- to
knock the men down and leave them to be burnt:?- These directions
in fact, are worse than absurd, and the representatives: of' any man
knocked down and burnt-ohe and brnt-r:the man himself it' knocked. down and
not burnt-would have a fair action against the CAPTAIN. He doean't.
want to be called CAPTAIN "PSHAW! we suppose.
THE revising barristers seem determined to bring their position
into disrepute. They have been giving the most- extraordinary and
contradictory decisions. 'Why did'they not meet and agree to some
interpretation of the new clauses ? The worst case we have had yet
was that wherein Ma, T. CAMaBELL FOSTER, who is supposed to revise
the list of voters for Leeds, fined a lady for claiming what other
barristers-as eminent, to say the least, as this MR. FosTeR-have
allowed women to obtain a place ;-cn the list. But this was not all.
He was pleased to ridicule the lady, and to indulge in would-be plea-
santries, which prove him to be better suited for the horse-collar than
the horse-hair. I am not arguing, let it be remembered, in favour of
the Female Franchise. I am simply reminding Ma. FosTsa that a
gentleman is not privileged to insult or sneer at a woman under any
circumstances-least of all when hn he is supposed to be invested with
judicial powers.
THE coming election bids fair to be carried on with an acrimony
and an unfairness that have had no parallel in any such contests for
many years past. From the PRIME MINISTER and the leader of the
Opposition (whe have been styled respectively "an apostate Jew,"
and an "aggravated JUDAS") down to the least-important T.P. on
either side, both parties have been pretty well abused. But I must,
say that the palm for unjustifiable vituperation must go to the organ
of blood and culture." The Pall Mll has descended to an inexcis-
able piece of abuse in speaking of MR. ODGER. Taking hold of a speech
of his. it gives as is view of his qualifications that, "though he has
never had any education he knows the value of it, and that his father
was a miner, and his mother mad." There is a cruelty in thus wrest-
ing a man's words for which Billingsgate-not to say Pall Mill-
might blush. I know as much about MRi. ODGe as I do, perhaps,
about the Editor of the Tall Mall, and speak, therefore, without bias,
but I do protest, in the interests of fair fighting, against a foul blow
like this; and I would do the same were anyone to turn the tabl-s-
only, of course Editor of the Pall Mall is unassailable in a similar
A PETnSON-we use the term in the Parliamentary sense-has written
to the Telegraph, signing herself OUIDA THE FaIRST," to protest against
what she styles a case of "Literary Personation." The facts of the
case are these-a French paper (French papers are always so correct,
especially on English matters) has announced the marriage of Ma.
HOuNm PAYNE and a lady, whom it goes on to say is the cedllr'e-
suppose we translate it "notorious "-OUIDA, the author of U,der Two
Flags, etc. OUIDA THE FIRST thereupon writes to charge on the inno-
cent lady an attempt to claim "the credit-if credit they deserve-
of having written these works." I should think MRs. HORNE PAYNE
would be very glad to be cleared of the accusation of having written
two books which are almost as devoid of literary merit as th-y are
abundant in more than questionable morality. "I am constrained,"
says OUIDA THE FaIRST (and we trust the last) to inform the public that
MADAME is no more the author of Under Two Flags than I am the
wife of MR. HORNE PAYNE." I don't suppose the public will care
much for the information, but I have no doubt Ma. PAYNE will

endorse the last part of the quoted sentence with a fervent "thank
IN Our owung Folks we have a fanciful little sketch of the "Cruise
of the Starlight," which would have been bettor if it had not been so
obviously modelled on the style of DIcKENS's Holiday Romance."
"The Giant and the Dwarf" is'clever. "Our Five Little Kittens "
'is a.comical notion, and The Two Winsgenes is extremely pretty.
A First Lecture on Heat" gives certain scientific truths in a pleasant
way, likely to impress them on the minds of children. But the thing
that puzzles me about the magazine is that with all its other oxoel-
lences it quite. overlooks the necessity of teaching the little folk a.pure
language. All the stories overflow with slang. "Squirm," "spryi"
"own up," and words and expressions of that class abound. It is, a
thing to be regretted, I think; and the result of it must be the deterio-
ration of the English tongue in America.
IToman's WMorld: is apparently in some sort of transition state, the
Editor apologiaiog. fr-the unavoidable absence of the illustration, and
the whole appearance of the number indicating that ithas beon printed
against, time, I trust next month all will be in working order, for I
should, be particularly sorry sorry to see any falling-off in so excellent a
periodical. I have read with great delight an article called "lEvenings
wih the Spirita" in which the humbug of the knavos and the idiocy
of the fools who between them make up the spiritualist world are wull
shown. There is altogether plenty of variety and amusement in this
number, and [ think when a better novel commences tlher will be a
good chance forithe magazine, its price being sixpence.
Le PFllet for September seems to show a tendency towards a rehurn
to the Pompadour-style of dress. The Gardener's Magazine for ti"
same month contains some valuable articles-aspsoially for the lover
of roses.

THE- take strange hues in its diminished days,
And glow in early sunset's golden rays :
Anon, in dances weird and wild combined,
They whirl to pipings of the wintry wind.
Last, trod to earth, they seek a silent tomb,
To climb to life once more in springtide's bloom.
1.-If Euclid you've read,
What is eaid
'Neath this head
Will guide your inquisitive eye to it.
For the rest,
It' you've guessed
What it is, I'll be blest,
If I don't think you'll never say "di" to it.
2.-A bird that can't fly
Is a wonder sure-ly !
Now a sea-mew can fly
So far and so high,
That I think we may call it a wonder not small,
That a bird so much like it should not fly at all!
3.-It's not a peach, a nectarine, an apple, or a plum;
But better than the lot of them-" considerably some! "
4.-If you had been born as a Hindu,
You'd do as the peoples of Ind do,
And worship this god, who's no cram in
The eyes of an orthodox Brahmin.
6.-Though no sage-like the great DR. BLIMBER,
Nor a prophet, the future to peep in;
I fancy they'll make of this timber
The last bed you're likely to sleep in.
6.-It's a root,
Or a fruit
As may happen to suit
If you're heedless of Botany's orders and ranges,
In whose minion's
'Twould rank with the "inions."-
If you give it a rap, to a rascal it changes!
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 80.- Birds, .Brace.-Bab, Irregular,
Ratafia, Demoniac, Salve.
Clonglocketty; W. I. K. J. L. B.; Clara and Annie ; Ruby's Ghost; D). E.11.

Hills and Forests.
WE learn that a widow of the name of FouEBTsr died at Montauban
the other day at the advanced age of one hundred and three. She
was more than FORESTIz, she was as old as the hills almost.



SCENE :-Railway Terminus, Cologne.
.English Tourist (ignorant of the German language) :-" Hi! PORTER, CAN YOU SPEAK ENGLISH ?"
.Porter :-" NEIN, HERR."
English Tourist :-" THEN cAN YOU TELL ME WHO DOES ?"

SHOUT an Hurrah, the theatrical season
Opens, and town will no longer be dull;
Managers muster and seek with good reason
Stars to disturb the theatrical lull.
Footlights will blaze as they flared up aforetime,
Shining on tinsel of tragedy queens;
Galleries clamour again as still more time
Comes to be lost with the changing of scenes.
Now will the boxes be gay with bright dresses,
Now will the stalls be adorned with white ties ;
Once more the fairest and glossiest tresses
Shadow soft cheeks and most marvellous eyes.
No more disconsolate now after dining
Homeward we wander in ennui and pain;
See through the twilight the far lamps are shining,
Come let us cheer for theatres again!

All A-growing and A-blowing.
AN enthusiastic writer in the -Atlas has thrown out a hint for a
picture which we trust some of the few remaining prm-Raphaelites will
contrive to give us in the next Royal Academy Exhibition. He is
speaking of a class which he describes, in mild imitation of the
Saturday, as "limp ladies; and he says that
"they are able to make their voices rosy with laughter, one minute."
We should like to see this painted. A rosy voice; "-" a pink sigh"
-" a crimson sneeze "-would look well in the catalogue, better, per-
haps, than on the canvas.

Virtue Triumphant.
WE learn from the Christian Times that one of its correspondents has
been down at Glidleigh Park. He winds up a glowing rhapsody on
nature with the following delicious sentence:-
Gladly would we have lingered longer amid the shadowy trees, but then the
unfortunate duck which mine host was roasting for us would be done a second time
to death; reluctantly, therefore, we quitted the scene, not, however, without re-
solving to explore ere long other parts of this delightful neighbourhood."
Fancy the self-denial required to tear oneself away from the
"shadowy trees" for the sake of roast duck," and then simply for
fear the poor animal should be done a second time to death." The
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals should clearly present
this Christian correspondent with a suitable testimonial. Say a good
dinner ? We wonder if he would turn away in horror from such a

The Latest from Hoss-tralia.
AN Australian paper says that horses are selling in Gipps Land at
tenpence a-piece, or seven for five shillings." If the Gipsies, who are
such large dealers in horseflesh, would only go to their own land-Gip's
Land-they would be able to do a good trade, and we should hardly
miss them. How the mouths of the Hippophagists must water!
Modern DIcK WHITTINGTONS, even, might do something by a feline
Green, and Bear It I!
THE latest compliment to NAPOLEON THE THIRD is a somewhat ques-
tionable one. A new green pigment has been discovered, which, in
addition to being brilliant in tone, is perfectly harmless." This is
to be called Imperial Green."

- ---- -, -,

~ -..---------
c-.- -



I i

S1F. 41


And-jibbed and revolted,
Although you might fairly expert it.
But one day an old friend
His condition to mend
Said "The cure for your ills
Is O'Quackaway's pills,
I have uncles and cousins
Who take them by dozens-
By millions and billions
And even tintillions.!
At once for a box you must send!"
ANGUS was charmed! For a box at once sent he,
And in for this splendid new remedy went he!
On the box that he got
Was written, I wot,
At bedtime take two.
If'that doesn't do,
The next night take four.
If that does no more,
The next night take. six.
If still in a fix,
The next night take eight.
'Should the ill not abate,
The next night take ten,
And if no better then,
Take twelve! To. be brief,
Till they brought you relief,
Two more every night
You must take until quite
A long row of numerals greeted your sight;
For, of course, by addition
At last 'twas your mission
To swallow by dint of prolonged deglutition
No less than 7,008,0201
Of the end of the-liver of ANGUs. MEAeGAN,
And of how many boxes of pills he has taken,
And whether the liver has ever been shaken,
I'll be blest if I know,
For a long time;ago
I was told the whole tale by an intimate friend
But I fell soand asleep ere he got to the end,,
And he'd- left for Australia ere I could awaken.

Look to your Veau-tes!
A, rpsow-who-signs himself "one- who has worked successfully in
the cause of Civil and Religious Liberty has issued an address in the
Times, which is'so obscurely.worded on the Irish Church question that
we will defy anyone to say whether it is a plea for the Government or
for the-Opposition. The fact is that the whole address is a joke, and
to save others from puzzling over it as we have done, we will quote the
sentence which at once revealed the-do!
"Individual worship of the golden calf takes the place of consideration for the
national weal "
This is evidently the. calf of a regular "lag."

was-blest with
a liver
That nothing
could shake
Or could make
To awake
To a-quake
Or the ghost of a
-" shiver,
Or quiver!

Oh, calomel could
enot correct

Horse- exercise
did not affect
Not a feather
Though madly
'twas jolted
On horses-that

THE Editor of FUN having been so- repeatedly asked to settle dis-
puted points at croquet and determine whose rules were in reality
those to be adopted, has called together a committee of the players on
whom he can most rely to frame rules for universal adoption. By
strict attention to the following instructions disputes will be obviated'
and- universal harmony procured.
1. On attempting to strike the ball scrape the mallet deliberately
along the ground and push the ball along with it as far as ever you
can reach. When told you are "spooning," make use of coarse and
abusive language,, and say that is the way you have always played."
This remark will not appear conclusive to the other players, but no
doubt will be found to be true.
2. When left far behind through utter inability to get through the
first two hoops, seize an opportunity when no one is looking at you or
caring for you to place your ball so conveniently near the required
hoop that to miss it will be next to an impossibility. If you happen to
be caught, blush and then look foolish, endeavouring always to excuse
your baseness by the assertion that you were only just moving it
back to where some one had knocked it by accident." Everyone will
be sure to believe you.
3. If you happen to be a lady-it will be difficult to become one if
you are not-and your ball is in a convenient position to be croqueted
by an adversary, coolly hide your ball with your petticoats and
assume an innocent air. A bashful player will not dream of asking
you to move, though he be confident of your treachery. If you
can't manage this trick yourself, get a friend to do it for, you. The
upshot will be found invariably the same.
4. Adopt the rule of the ground whenever it suits your stroke; and
when it does not, create a ridiculous disturbance, quoting every insane
author who has. ever written on the subject, knowing well that the
Books are not in the house.
5. Take the part of all pretty girls, elderly and demonstrative females
and-bullying men, whenever disputes arise. You will be sure to get
the best of it amongst them.
6: Never play with your own ball, and always out of your turn. It
vexes conscientious players and creates diversion.
7. If you happen to be asked to a croquet party, bring your own
mallet with you. You will thus avoid being called ridiculous, and
snubbed as conceited.
8. When playing a large game, and your turn is approaching, run
'deliberately away into the house or the shrubbery, or the kitchen
. garden, or anywhere in fact where you will be sure to keep the large
!game waiting. Come back and say "You are so sorry," and then
watch the faces of your companions.
9. Whenever an opportunity occurs, leave the balls and the mallets
on the lawn all night-particularly if the grass be dewy. It improves
both considerably.
10. Let all the dogs in the establishment gnaw the croquet balls,
and play cricket invariably with the mallets; both will be better for
the operation.
11: Always affect ignorance as to the manner of going through the
centre twisted hoop. You will naturally be thought a fool.
12. Pertinaciously give advice before every stroke is made, and
make yourself generally objectionable.
The Editor of "FUN" now trusts there may be no more disputes,
He has done his best to reconcile existing grievances.

Dogberry in Danger.
THE dog-muzzling question has entered on a new' phase. Residents
in the immediate neigbourhoods of police-stations complain of the
howling of the poor imprisoned dogs as a most intolerable nuisance.
We would suggest to them that the best course is to prosecute the
.superintendent, or, better still, SIR RICHARD MAIYN. The former may
be a nuisance by implication. The latter is an undoubted nuisance
and:will have to be suppressed by the next Parliament.

Pigeon English.
A NUMBER of men have recently been before the magistrate at
Worship-street for interfering- with holy worship by the sale of pigeons.
We are inclined to think that this intrusion of the sellers of doves on
the temple of worship may be due in- a great measure to the efforts
of the Sabbatarians to assimilate our Sunday to the Jewish sabbath.

A New Track.
Mi. MICHAEL W. RossETi is we learn, preparing the next" Courtesy
Tract." for.the Early English Text Society. We commend the notion
to other societies which take their names from. the distribution of
tracts. A courtesy tract- would. bez quite- a. novelty as a pious

42 FU N [OcToBER 3, 1868.



lodger-dom, some
achieve lodger- dom,-
and some have lodger-
dom thrust upon them.
However difficult it may
be to distinguish nicely
betweenen the two first-
named classes, there can
be no doubt about the
third. Lodgings, more
or less permanent, are
found by a paternal go-
vernment for people who
would gladly dispense
with the obligation.
When the principle of
this compulsory lodging
is examined, its propriety
is questionable. These
most unwilling lodgers
are bedded and boarded
at the expense of the
general public for differ-
ent periods varying from
a night in the police-station to a lifetime in the jail. That the lodgers
thus compelled to accept our hospitality would rather find them-
selves "-anywhere out of durance vile is a fact not to be disputed.
That the public may fairly object to contributing to their maintenance
seems logical. If a man picks your pocket it is rather hard that you
should have to keep him for a few months; but the hardship becomes
greater when you, as a taxpayer, have to keep him for the same time
because he has picked the pocket of somebody else whom you do not
know even by sight! But, on the other hand, it may be urged very
fairly that if a tax were not a tax why should it be called so ? This
appears to us to be unanswerable.
The Compulsory Lodgings which we discuss this week are to be
found at any police-station. We will not go so far as to allege that
the life in this style of lodgings is described from actual experience.
The author of this series was compelled by pressure of business to
relinquish a conscientious desire to get locked-up for a night; and the
artist, with the customary squeamishness of his profession, absolutely
refused to get himself taken-up, though stimulated by the mention
of the Amateur Casual and the mutton-broth bath. Nevertheless,
as most of our friends have been locked up at various times we are
enabled to describe this class of lodgings from the information gathered
from them in moments of unguarded ostentation.
The management of the Lodging House is confided to members of
the Police Force, who, whennot employed in catching stray curs, give
their minds to the collection of lodgers whom they urge to partake of
the hospitality of the station with more or less-and as a rule chiefly
more-" forcible persuasion." Our readers will observe, in our
initial, one fine fellow in the act of inducing a guest to acquiesce.
The lodger, who comes first under notice,
states, upon being pressed by the inspector, that
his usual residence is Ha' Moo' Street, Pical- /
lihic!" His name he believes to be "Jon'
TomPSL," which, however, does not seem very
familiar to him. He has been persuaded (by
three constables) to accept of a temporary
shelter beneath the roof of the station in conse-
quence of Half Moon Street having had a quar- C,
rel with Piccadilly, and leaving the neighbour-
hood. Thus deprived of his home, our young
friend began to knock and ring at various doors,
probably in the hope of finding some Samaritan
who would take him in. Unfortunately a
Samaritan, even when roused from his sleep at
three in the morning by loud knocking and
ringing is more inclined to give his disturber
in charge to another, than himself to take
charge of him. Mr. ToMPsL is very anxious
to impress on his hearers that he was nev'
maw sob' mall m' li'!" and he throws such an
emphasis on the statement that it brings him
forward on the tips of his toes in the manner depicted in what our
artist particularly desires us to describe as "the cut." ToMPOL's
amiability is imperturbable. He smiles at everything and everybody
-even at the three constables who handled him far more roughly than
was necessary.

Amiability is not the weakness of the next lodger. His peculiarities
of utterance resemble those of TOMPSL, but his sentiments are of a most
bloodthirsty character. He has spent the evening in perpetual attempts
to get some one to fight him, and has in consequence lost the coat he
was constantly taking off with a view to the con-
test. He is portrayed in the act of rolling-up his ,
shirt sleeves as a preliminary step to demolish- I
ing the whole of the police force at the station. ,
In his sober moments he is a meek and spiritless KA
creature, entirely ruled by his wife. But as
soon as he has taken enough liquor to make ,('
him muddled he becomes a ferocious ruffian. a
Some philosophers would account for this under
the maxim in vine veritas," alleging that the
man's true nature comes out under the influence
of drink. We, however, construe the matter in a
different way. He is a coward by nature, with
that touch of the bully which is one of the con-
comitants of cowardice. He has discovered that
few men will strike a drunken man any more
than they will strike a woman, and he delights
therefore in the impunity afforded by insobriety. It is pleasant to
think that after he is discharged with a fine to-morrow, he will go
home with an aching head and sinking heart to his coal-and-'tatur
shed, where his wife will give him a tremendous talking-to, that will
make his head ache and his heart sink still more.
improperly compelled to take a cell at the
station. She is what is described on the
charge-sheet as "an obstruction." The
chariot of DivES-nay, the Hansom of
DIVEs's clerk-may block the public tho-
roughfare for horus, outside the place of
pleasure or of business at which DivEs or
DIvas's clerk is staying. But poor MOLL
with her basket of oranges, by the sale of
Which she hopes to get a meal for herself
and her bedridden mother, is not permitted
to linger in the gutter. If she were selling
"bogus" shares instead of wholesome fruit,
or if she were a railway director instead of
an honest hard-working creature, not a word would be said to
her. Not much is said to her now-299 A simply says "move on, or
I'll run ye in." And MOnL being Irish and a woman, has a spirit
that resents this, and the result is that MOLL is '"run in." She takes
her revenge by shedding fiery oratory on the heads of all concerned,
from the inspector to the lock-up constable, and then, when she is left
to herself in the cell, thinks of the poor old mother at home without
food or fire, and breaks down. Her wailing worries the inspector
more perhaps than her upbraiding, and in his soul he curses the officious
constable who brought her in.
This youth is only at the station for a short visit
en route for a prison or penitentiary. It is scarcely
his fault, poor wretch, born in the kennel and
schooled in the streets, that he is a pickpocket by
trade. While the Collective Wisdom of the land has
been at loggerheads as to whether it is right to edu-
cate children according to the system of the Rev.
CANT, or of Brother STIGGINS, or of Father O'GRADY,
the DEVIL has opened a school in the streets, and as
the course taken by Collective Wisdom offers him
hosts of pupils, he does rather a good business. Our 2
young friend in the margin is one of his promising .
pupils. He began by filching fruit in Covent Garden, y
was put in a higher class as soon as proficient, and
took a high place as a pickpocket. He
I 1 I has been caught in the act this time, and
will be sent to jail, which bears the same
~L L relation to the diabolical street-school that
the University bears to a public school.
I LOSTTHi This lad has won an exhibition, and will
I take honours by-and-by as a burglar or
garotter. He is highly elated at the pro-
__ spect, and takes his temporary stay at the
station very pleasantly. We are not sure
that he is not an object of admiration to
the policeman, just as a good fever is
hailed by a doctor.
This gentleman is familiar to our
I l readers. His two stumps have often
awakened the sympathy that his unmusical
voice and lugubrious lay have failed to
#' touch. He is one of the large class of crip-

OCTOBER 3, 1868.] IF 1 N 13

ples that infest the metropolis, and make a very good living out of their
misfortunes. In many instances these unhappy creatures are so fright-
fully maimed or so terribly deformed that they ought not to be permitted
to exhibit themselves as they do. There are numberless institutions
where they might find a home if they chose, but they prefer driving a
brisk trade on the miseries. The police passes them by, however, to
hunt the orange-girl and the costermonger, who are struggling hard
for daily bread-and very dry bread too, and without butter in most
cases. The fine fellow here portrayed fares much better than this!
Irish stew-beef-steak and onions-kidney pudding-liver and bacon
-these are the dainties he loves and indulges in. He lives, in short,
like a fighting-cock! Unhappily he is a little excitable in temper
when he has a little drink "on board "-as he calls it; for among the
thousand and one calamities by which at various times he accounts for
the loss of his arms, one is a shipwreck. The starboard fore-topmast
deadeye scupper was blown out of its earringsin a gale and carried off his
arms, and in consequence he interlardshis talk with nautical expressions.
And when he has a little drink on board he has a pleasant way of beating
his wife. One might almost as well expect a man without legs to raun
away with the wife of somebody else. But our armless hero does con-
trive to beat his wife and it is for an aggravated assault on her that he
is now in durance vile cut off from Irish stew and kidney pudding.
It is not for long though, for of course when the case comes on his
wife will declare he is the best of husbands, and that her two black
eves, the cut on the back of her head, a broken rib, and a countless
host of bruises, with the loss of three teeth are all attributable to a
fall out of bed.

THe whole country seems to have gone into fits of benediction
lately. Our national enthusiasm was once contented with "God Save
the Queen" and "Rule Britannia," with occasional attacks of See,
the Conquering Hero comes." But the common cry of ballad-
mongers is now enlarging its field of operation to an alarming extent.
Nobody is qualified nowadays as a supporter of Church and State
unless he can contribute his due share to a chorus in favour of the
following august persons and institutions:-
The PRINCe or WALEs.
The PaImcEss too.
Our dear old Church of England.
Et cetera. We certainly wish no harm to Royalty and the Establish-
ment, but we should like to see a line drawn to this kind of gush."
Let us attempt a specimen or two of the lyrics to which we shall be
infallibly reduced if this patriotic and loyal caterwauling continues:-
THROUGH ev'ry ancient alley
And ev'ry filthy lane,
Be this the coster's rally-
"Long live SIR RICHARD MAsBm."
Be ev'ry voice uplifted
To join the jovial strain,
And praise the great and gifted-
Our dear old RicHAnE MAYNE.
Oblige us with a chorus,
Again and yet again;-
"While Scotland Yard rules o'er us,
Long live SIm RicwARn MAYNE!"
Who saved us from the snarling
Of dogs that went insane ?
Our hope, our joy, our darling ;
Our dear old RICHARn MAYNE.
We beg to propose the following as a postprandial howl for the
Royal Academy annual dinner; PRESIDENT GnANT caitabit.
COME, fill up a bumper, each jolly R.A.;
On this festive and happy occasion.
Let Cabinet ministers prate as they may
Upon taxes and Gallic invasion.
The Army may swagger, the Navy may boast,
And the Commons and Lords may be witty;
But listen to me and I'll give you a toast-
Here's a health to the Hanging Committee!
Hip! hip! Let us yell till the lion that stands
On the DUKE or NOcrTHTUMBsRLAND'S mansion,
Responds with his tail (for he can't clap his hands)
In a spirit of genial expansion.

Hooray! Let us bawl at the top of our lungs,
Till the length and the breadth of our city
Re-echoes, with over three million of tongues.
Here's a health to the Hanging Committee!
In these two samples we have merely endeavoured to throw out a
hint or two that may arouse the slumbering energies of superior song-
writers-not pretending by any means to have exhausted the varie I
merits of either SIR RicHAuD or the Trafalgar Square gentlemen.
We shall take the liberty of making a suggestion for the benefit of
any daring bard who may venture to soar into the rarefied atmosphere
of politics. Our theme shall be-
WHEN we think of our national debt
And the growth of our poor population,
What patriot Briton can fret
Or complain about over-taxttion ?
Of Faction while bearing the brunt.
May our CHANCELLOR keep up his packer,
Long life, boys, to W. HUNT,
And our jolly old English Exchequer.
Ho is thoroughly up in finance
And a master of multiplication ;
He sticks on a twopence, perchance,
But it's all for the good of the nation.
How lucky we have in the front
A successor of PBaL and of NacKRs.
Long life, boys, to W. HUNT,
And our jolly old English Exchequer.
In conclusion, we would briefly propose, as objects for lyrical
celebration, The Beadlci at the Bank, Our only .E'lish lmprarisatore,.
That Fine Old Paddy Green, and The Call Boy at th' L,,me. We are
sorry to exclude Our Blunt but Honest Cablnrm ; having lately misbe-
haved themselves, however, they must take the consequences.

Sing-call-ar I
A CONTEMrORARY enlarges on the advantages of having a high C in
one's voice. It is of course more useful than having one's voice in a
high C-unless one is the skipper of a big ship. But our friend goes
on to speak of the good fortune of M. WACITTEL, who, having IL few
years ago been a cab-driver, has recently given fifty thousand florins
for a villa at Wiesbaden. Of course it was to be expected that ho
would make more by his singing than by his calling.

3aSz rox toi QoKsyantin tz.
[PWe carrnot retwu unacceepted M183. or Sketlahi, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold
ourselves responsible for loss.1
J. W. F. G. (Percy-street.)-Tf you put marriage advertisements into
the papers, and then make public (as you intended by sending a copy to us)
the letters you receive, we decline to say what we think of you.
F. F. H. F. sends us "a few additions to Johnson's Dictionary," and
tells us they were written with the idea of being continued." We are glad
to learn that there is anything approaching to an idea connected with them.
W. S. E. (Margate.)-We don't see your meaning.
A PEACE .MAKER.-Your piece-work wants finishing. It is so inchoate
that we can't make head or tail of it.
SHANDY GArFF.-If you can't understand that, you must be rather flit,
an unpardonable fault in your composition.
A. it. K. (Birmingham.)-Noa, thank you-as they say in your part of
the world.
R. C. (Bootle.)-We once had a persistent correspondent at Everton who
would have called yours a "bootle-less errand. He wrote to us incessantly
despite rejection, so we used to call him Cut-and-Comb-again," he was
such a hair-brained wit. Don't you follow his example-we do not wish to
find a thing of Bootle is a joy for ever-or Everton.
E. T. (Kingsland-road), is implored to communicate at once with hii
anxious friends, who we sincerely hope will never again allow him to go at
large with such dangerous rhymes as "odyssey" and prosodyy."
S. B. (Partick.)-Partick-ularly like "Skyblue."
NunRLEH.-Take care you're not caught !
IR. R. R. B.-Perhaps, if worth anything.
Declined with thanks :-J. J. II. S. Temple; W. H., Leadenhall-stroet;
R. F., Old-street; F. M.; H. G., Preston; W. T., Regent's-park; Bow-
wower; R. E. D.; Funny; "Declined with Thanks" ; T. S. I., Austin
Friars; H. J. de C., Dublin; J. T., Croydon; A. L. H., Lambeth; a Fast
Correspondent; A Novel Author; R. It., Liverpool; a Funny Fellow,
Launceston; J. D., Newport; M. D., Stamford-street; G. 11. P., Isling-
ton; G. M., Cheapside ; G., Hemel Hempstead; C. C., Stratford New
Town; G. D., Peckham-rye; A Dalcimer; M. H.; J. B. W., Tunbridge
Wells; Cyp; Yema; Endive.

I __
44 [OCTOBER 3, 1868.


Mamma :-" YEs, DEAR WHY ? "

Gin a Boddy meet a Boddy.
AT Manchester the other day Miss BECKER appeared in the re-
vising barrister's court and objected to the disallowance of a claim
made by "MARY BonDDY to be registered as an elector. The bar-
rister looked upon MARY BOnnY as nobody, whereas Miss BECKER
thought the BODDY in question was somebody. Well, we think if the
women want votes they may as well have them-they can't make a
worse use of them than four men out of six do. For instance, we don't

SIR,-I want to go by train from Haggerston to Shoreditch. Very
good. I turn to Bradshaw and I find the following valuable infor-
I ohet..h::::::1| b I b I b I b b Ib b b I b b b | b |
Of course. No doubt. Quite so. Certainly. Very good.

htink it at all probable that the vote of this particular BODDY would
ever be sold. A Crown Well Spent.
SW are informed that the usual annual ceremony of crowning the
Turning the Tables. best pumpkin of the year took place at the Balles the other day."
IN America, railway travellers at crossings on the line are advised The account goes on to state that the laureate of the year weighed
to "wait for the waggon" by notices calling on them to "look out for 3261bs. and measured two yards in circumference." Ah, well! as has
the engine." But if we are to believe the American papers the waggon been said over and over again, "they manage these things better in
train in New Mexico was itself in want of a notice "look out for the France." Why don't we have an annual crowning of the kin of the
Injun," as the irrepressible burnt the train the other day and killed pump. Such laureates might rest on their thistles after such a distino-
and scalped sixteen guards. tion, and how much we should be saved from !

Sugar for the Doctor. CRUEL.
Rumour states that at the election for the borough of Marylebone A PITTING end for TOMMY DoDD.-Ground to death-on a barrel
every grocer on the register is pledged to vote for SAND-WITH. organ.

OVER COATS, 21s. TO 63s.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, ind published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: October 3, 1868.

OCTOBER 10, 1868.] F U N 45


THERE'S something that comes home to a good many of us about
the very name of the Lord Mayor's Court even when we take a stroll
into the Guildhall as it may be to see how they elect a Sheriff or held
what's called a Common Hall of the Livery, to turn out one Mayor
and get another in his place. We're an uncommon Livery lot in the
City, I can't deny, and there's a deal of flunkeyism everywhere about,
but Ma. ALDERMAN ALLEN was too much even for the Corporation to
digest, and they can stand a good deal too. Their complaint was
chiefly that, whatever they might be willing to stand, he wasn't ready
to stand anything, though he declined to take the chair at somebody
else's banquet because the tickets for the dinner were at such a low
figure as not to promise that the dinner would be the ticket. Even

,' )



there are so many gents of that persuasion in the box. It's quite a
judgment of SOLOMoN's when they give their verdict, and quite one
of the sights of the City to see 'om all stand up and put their hats on
to be sworn every ten minutes, for that's the time they take to knock otff
a case when the Recorder's sitting there. For the Lord Mayor don't
" try," though of course like everybody else he doesn't know what he
can do till he does. He's allowed to go and sit upon the bench
when he likes and enjoy the air of tho court and look at theo
pictures that hang on the walls-portraits of the eminent
Kings and Queens that helped to make Lord Mayors what they
are, and the City what it is; and he may join the Recorder in a
chop and a glass of sherry, if that gent chooses to stand for both, but
he mustn't interfere except by looks, and there's probably some sort of
extra accommodation for Mayors of the full regulation size, for though
the honourable judge himself can't be described as corpulent, there'd
scarcely be room on the bench,-and the canopy's much too skimpy
(even the part of the hangings that isn't wood painted to imitate red


/'I ,


Ma. BENNETT couldn't say much for him, and that's saying a good deal, drapery) to take a couple of wigs under it, let alone a Tory and a
too, for when that eminent commoner's wound up, his remarks are Raoical or even two Tories. It's come within my day's work sometimes
generally considered striking, and he has been known to speak against to appear as a witness there, and beyond a sort of fellow-feeling for a
time, as well he may, for Time's mostly on the watch for him, and chap that's in debt and can't pay, I dcn't object, for there's generally
insists on being kept on his premises. On the occasion referred to, something hanging to it if it's only a lunch and a glass of bitter at the
however, his remarks came to an end untimely, and, amidst a vote of Three Bucks, where in my time there used to be a convivial meeting
censure, disguised as an expression of approval, Mi. ALLEN was hustled that called themselves "The Bucks,"-nobcdy quite knowing why,
from the hustings, and MR. LAWRENCE was calleduponto tae waning except they did it out of deference to the landlord. One of 'em once
by the demerits of his predecessor; which meant, among other things, told me it was because they were chased in manors, but that was only
that he was to issue twice as many tickets for the banquet on the ninth his pun,-or at least his fun, and if they only mnt to talk such rubbish
of next month, and see that none of the turtle was mock. as that,-but there,-the thoughts of the Mayor's Court puts me out
It's a lively reflection turtle is,-and perhaps that's why they always of a convivial humour, for it reminds me of the County Court, and of
advertise the reptiles in that way-when a chap happens to be on his the way we chaps in the City go home to find the housekeeping little
way to the Mayor's Court in the character of defendant. It's for the bills waiting to be paid just as the end of the quarter comes round and
recovery of small debts, the Lord Mayor's Court is, and for a good the landlord's waiting for the rent while the taxgather's turning the
many other things, such as actionsfortrespass and goodness knowswhat; corner. Those little bills weekly or monthly it's all one0 ; how precious
and is like a sort of Civic Chancery, just as you might call a chandler's ready the tradespeople are to let you run 'em for the tako of the per-
shop a victualling warehouse: or the Lord Mayor himself a centage they put on every bit of beef and every pound of butter,
"Potentate." It's peculiar to the City and makes part of the regular and how precious soon they run into the County Court and take you
day's work to a good many people that lounge about it or are brought along with 'em with ten per csnt. added costa, if 3ou don't find it
before it, or put somebody else into it, or are summoned as witnesses, convenient to settle when Master sends his compliments and has a
or are compelled to serve on the Jury, which ought to be called Jewry, large account to make up."



[OCTOBER 10, 1868.

d HE earth has armies
.: And semi-warlike bands,
I daresay there are twenty
:' In Enropean lands;
S .$ But, oh, in no direction
You'd find one to compare
In b:oth'rlv affection
,il Witi thatofCOLONEILFLArE.

His soldiers might be rated
As military Pearls:
As unsophisticated
As pretty little girls!
S' They never smoked or ratted,
--Or talked of Sues or Polls;
S\ The Sergeant-Major tatted,

The others nursed their dolls.

Hle spent the days in teaching
These truly solemn facts,
There's little use in preaching,
Or circulating tracts.
(The vainest plan invented.
For laying other creeds)
Unless it's supp)lem.ented
With charitable cdeds.
He taught his soldiers kindly
To give at [Hunger's call,
" Oh, better far give blindly
Then never give at all !
Though i.... .,;, be kindled
By Imposition's game,
Oh, better far be swindled
Than smother up its flame!"
His means were far from ample
For pleasure or f.'r dress,
Yet note this bright example
Of single-heartedness:
Though ranking as a colonel
His pay was but a groat,
While their reward diurnal
Was-cash a five-pound noto
Moreover, this evinces
His kindness, you'll allow :
He fed them all like princes
And lived, himself, on cow.
He set them all regalinsr
On curious wines, and dear,
While he would sit pale-ale-ing
Or quaffing ginger-beer.
Then, at his instigation
(A pretty fancy this)
Their daily pay and ration
They'd always change for his-
They brought it to him weekly,
And he, without a groan,
Would take it front them meekly
And give them all his own !
Though not exactly knighted
As knights, of course, should be,
Yet no one so delighted
In harmless chivalry.
If peasant girl or ladye
li-neath misfortunes sank,
\Whate'er distinctions made he,
They were not those of lank.
No maiden young and comely
Who wanted good advice
(However poor or homely)
Need ask him for it twice.
He'd wipe away the blindness
That comes of teary dew*-
His sympathetic kindness
No sort of limit knew.

ry pretty.

He always hated dealing
With men who schemed or planned;
A person harsh-unfeeling-
The Colonel could not stand.
He hated cold, suspecting,
Official men in blue,
Who pass their lives detecting
The crimes that others do.
For men who'd shoot a sparrow,
Or immolate a worm
Beneath a farmer's harrow
He could not find a term.
Humanely, aye, and knightly
He dealt with such an one;
He took and tied him tightly
And blew him from a gun.

The Earth has armies plenty
And semi-warlike bands-
I'm certain there are twenty
In European lands;
But, oh, in no direction
You'd find one to compare
In brotherly affection
With that of COLONEL FLARE !

Geographical Note.
EvERYONE knows there is a Dunkirk in Scotland ; most have heard
of Dunquerque in France, but perhaps it has not struck everyone that
there is now a "done kirk in Ireland too.

Right you Are!
THE Conservative party is well-drilled. It followed its leader with
laudable discipline when called upon to effect what the Northern
I generals in the late American war used to call "a flank movement,"
on the Reform question. It is pretty clear now that by a similar
manoeuvre the party will change its front on the Irish Church Ques-
tion. The Conservative party in short may be wrong on many points,
but there is one thing it is invariably right about-we allude to right-

The Q,. C. and the Sea Cue.
WE find that the popularity of the leading counsel for MADAME
RACHEL is far more extensive than we supposed. On attempting to
drag our family back from the seaside to the comforts of home, we
discovered that all the younger branches voted for one DIG-BY SEA-


OCTOBER 10, 1868.] F J U N 47

0 UR FU N-D 0 NE LETTE R. found its way into the magazine. It is full of the grossest blunders in
composition,-here is one instance:-
"The rider can tell when his horse is likely tO drop by feeling the car, which, if
RQS. DICKENS is a humourist of the first cold, he instantly diinmouts; this being a sure precursor ofi death; llthe salles are
water. In a recent announcement con- then removed and the carcass remains in the ling until the bull i.; killed, then they
cerning All the Year Bound he proves dis- are dragged out by mules."
tinctly that the same genius which placed so Further on the writer describes the doings of the matador:-
much wit in the mouth of SAM WELLEa, is He then single-handed confronts the bull. when after a little by-play the bull
still at work among us. He tells us that he charges; he then thrusts his sword up to the hilt into the back part of the buhl's
is going to discontinue his annual Christmas neck, which passes through the juncture of the neck and spine into a vital palt.
number,a step little to be expected after the un- ins he do d h c is ed."
preceden ted success of eo 'heedogh fre. Then Many as are the "bulls at the beginning of the passage, the biggobt
comes the joke, which is so good that one can hardly regret that he has and bet is at the end, where "he bulldrop -must by the construction
for its sake been tempted to deprive us of ourannual treat. "He resolves mean the publishers ofhe wild's Bibe have sent th first nu r to
to abolish it at the very highest tide of its success because the extra Ame I am bound to t idt o niot e is hardly a the first num I sold
Christmas number has been so extensively, regularly, and often imitated have expecteI am bound to ntce ie. though et to the scheme of atheion I should
that it is in very great danger of becoming tiresome to the public." A Familty Shakeopeare is a profanation, but the audacity of such to
Of course, anyone who was not a great humourist would have con- undertaking pales before sublimity of an attempt to make ioly Writ
sidered this a good reason for stopping the imitations, not the original "respectable." At any rate we ought to have the guarantee of an
at the full tide of its success! Ho! he! he One cannot help laugh- editor's name. e should at least have some authority for the nr e
ing, it is so witty. Me-ssieurs thh wine-producers of Rheiims beg to version. It is to be presumed that no one without deep learning and a
inform, us that, although their champagne has a brisker and more 'i i t o ue hot n c o il a tul er
extensive trade than ever, there is so much fizz manufactured at Pen- lofty intellect weouldundertake so colossal a task na the revision o
tonville they do not M Atendto make an more sparkling wine at p :-How are we toknow that CuLs,,hiseltisnottheditot.
theims tathey do not intendto m any more at It is to be hoped at any rate that the same hnd which compiled t
IT is .well that those who object to being robbed by the Southern prospectus is not employed on the task, for the prospectus is so oddly
is -th lhers o o bt to bei rt ob h t o n worded as to suggest a possibility of a quit" unconscious miscnstru-
Railway Confederacy should know that a four-horse coach is on the worded ofs to es.tea p possibility on a qsted unconscious misconst" i-
road. When I say that it-belongs to Ma. HOARE, who ran the Seven- on of tences. Illustrations re atote to bw .foen a gild s
oaks coach, my readeore o-il probably know it is well-driven and well- point of view," and as farf s the picture of tie wooden animals going
horse. It aves in London before a quarter past ten (leaving about p into the conventional NoAH's ark is concerned, this is trne enough.
430 in the.afternoon), and goes over the ground in style, and the Bat the chld from w e of il o t
fares are moderate. Siting bhind a good tam and bsid a good was taken, should be exhibited as a crioity. .1 am bound to add,
rfoes treetbulnd a good team and beside a good however, that some of the other cuts seem to be drawn not only flo
whip-rattling along through the fresh morning air, with a horn-and- that f th oter i seem to b rawn t only ro
hoof accompaniment, is a vast deal better than being jolted along after a child's point of view but ahnost in a child's style.
those "eternal old tea-kettles." --
I SHOULD think Loan MA.Yons ALLEN was not over-delighted with
the BExosETT-diction which closed his year of office at Guildhall the THE DOU1BLE ACROSTIC.- No 83.
other day. No Mayor, surely, was ever so unpopular before; un- 'Tw be some time, no doubt,
popular with both friends and foes-if the expression be not a bull. 'wi be some time, no doubt,
Is he not the first publisher who has been raised to the civic chair ? 'Ere the flame be put out
His brother-publishers ought to be grateful to him for doing the Of this troublesome nw insurrection ;
craft such credit. Like fire through the corn
FOR the honour of England it is to be hoped that the attempt to It spreads night and motni,
raise a monument to LEIGc HUsT will not languish for want of funds. A national wide disaffection.
It is unnecessary for me to enumerate his many and great claims on 1.-He stood with a banner, lio marched to and fro,
the English public. It should be enough to say that a committee has "'is a way that that those warriors commonly go,
teen formed, eoncisting of gentlemen of position and repute, that He looked, and he knew it, a terrible fright,
MR. DUERitA has designed the monument, and that the secretary, And all for the sake of a shilling a night.
Mi. S. R. T. MAYEot, will be glad to receive subscriptions at No. 6,
Norfolk-street, Strand. 2.-For centuries it slept beneath the earth
I Ti nsley's Magazine we have a most artistic and telling illustration Then rose, discovered, to a second birth.
to Breaking a Butterfly." Ml. WATsom is not very strong in his 3.-It grew around an urn of old,
cut. The other illustration is "thin," if I may usa the term; but In such a fairly ordered fold ;
then so is the article to which it belongs, written by the Detrimental," and since that time, though years have gone,
whoever he or she may be. There is a curious paper entitled Expe- We see it blossoming in stone.
riences of a Dipsomaniac." MRa. W. Moira s comes in for high eulogy
in Criticisms on Contemporaries." I must confess I think it a little 4.-Far in the burning sand,
too laudatory, Ma. MOinIs being a good dead-level versifier, with a Here freshest waters stand ;
knack of description, which is not, however, poetical. "My Fellow Five hundred niles away
Creatures," by CHALae.S MA'ATaWS, is as good as everything is which From Coasts of Africa.
proceeds from that most versatile of comedians and humourists. It is 5.-The policeman smote him on the head,
high time the "English Photographs by an American" were stopped. Upon the stones lhe lay half deal ;
Each new paper shows that the writer has not the capacity to judge Next morning, writing to the Tlues,
of English matters if he had ever had the opportunity which he With this he scourged the pieler'b crimes.
evidently has not had. In an anecdote which he relates about the
Baowx scandal he was evidently labouring under the delusion that he 6.-He stole through the bars
was at a table "where all the company were all the company were gentlemen by rank or When the good folks were slcqig,
position," whereas he was obviously at som, third-rate tavern ordinary With this, oh my stars !
or in an inferior commercial room. It is rather hard'upon the English In felonious keeping.
that English society should be "photographed" by someone who has 7.-He wrote the sweetest lyrics, one can praise
never soared above the bottom of the kitchen stairs. Their beauty now, so scorned in schoolboy days.
TinH October number of London Societe has four illustrations (to an N 8 o, ,
article called "From Albert G...to to Hyde Park Corner ") which are G e 'r oI ACeosic No. 81.- r, ,rr. ob, a,
among the best things the magazine has over had. The last of them Garter, Idler, Stromboli, Trminus, Event, Recluse, Suitor.
is especially good, representing' a vulgar couple in the park in a hired COnECT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTICrl No 81, liCEI:vi.n 3L0th Su.er. :-Cltonglockctly;
fly, the woman lolling back with a smirk of satisfaction, the man A. Bluc Beak.
conscious of being in a false position and a new hat. The other illus-
trations, of which there set ms a good allowance this month, are all fully Pots and Pans.
up to the average. I don't think number two of 'Everyday Adven- ot n n
tures any better than number one-it is disjointed and inartistic. THE special correspondent of the Tinis describing the state of liadrid,
MR. BUcaseAN'S," London Lyric" is scarcely up to his ordinary mark. and alluding to the indifference of the populace with regad to politics,
"The City of the Orphans is most interesting, and Oar Trip in the says, "They were to have torts to-murrow (Sunday), no tmatl.r how
Dilci,,ea" eminently readable. It is a pity that such a b, ildd and dear the pan might be or thieatecn to bccome,"-in othur wouids even if
amateurish paper as Corpus Christi Day in Andalusia" should have the country went to pot instead of pan.


[OCTOBER 10, 1868.

' : ::7- ,r0, / -


I'm a bachelor-blooming alone,
Like the last of the roses of summer :
Each passion and feeling has flown
That was lately so constant a comer.
Still single at forty (ahem!-
I confess rather over than under) ;
Left pining to death on my stem-
Shall I ever get married, I wonder ?
I was madly in love at fifteen,
And as madly as ever when twenty ;
While yet I was gushing and green
I could scribble my sonnets in plenty.
Can I now pen a lyric in rhyme,
Pretty fervid and free from a blunder ?
'Tis gone, the poetical time-
Shall I ever get married, I wonder ?
Long ago I was learned in love,
(How I sigh at the vain recollection!)
And many a ringlet or glove
Has rewarded a week of affection.
Those dear ones are married or dead,
And their hearts and my own cut asunder:
My day for devotion has fled-
Shall I ever be married, I wonder ?
I am bald, and a martyr to gout,
And a host of the ills flesh is heir to :
To pop would be pleasant, no doubt,
But I feel that I scarcely shall dare to.
The girls would reply with a sneer,
Or a frown as terrific as thunder.
My chance is a poor one, I fear-
Shall I ever get married, I wonder ?

Shall I venture-or meekly remain
An old bachelor, brooding and lonely ?
Youth left but a heart and a brain
With a part of their furniture only.
No hope of retrieving the theft-
Not a chance of regaining the plunder;
I should like, though, to share what is left-
Shall I ever get married, I wonder ?

Not so Black as they are Painted.
IN a letter to the Daily Newts on the subject of slang," a Ma.
CHARLES DEVEUx speaks of it as a language suitable for sweeps."
Why "sweeps" in particular ? Either 0. D. is writing slang himself
or he is casting a gratuitous insult in the faces of a hard-working set
of men whose services C. D. would find it highly inconvenient to dis-
pense with.

What the Turf is come to.
NowADAYs the most astonishing rumours in connection with the
"national sport" cease to create surprise (that's a bull, but let it pass).
Very recently we were pained to hear that one of the most respected
members of TATTERSALL'S, after offering a point above the current
odds against the favourite for next year's Derby, was instantly
Sermons in Stones.
WHAT a pitch misgovernment must have arrived at in Spain when
we read in a late telegram that more than one fortress has pro-
nounced "

THE LUCKY Bag.-Dropping a "right and left" when birds are

r *x ^^-^^_-M*^

|F UT N.-OCTOBEn 10, 1868.


.Dedicated to some recent Correspondents of The Tlins."

OCTOBER 10, 1868.] I "[

ACT I. SCENE 1.-Fleet-street, during a cab strike, in the reiqn of"
JAMEs I. .Business of shops conducted in open street, as in panto-
mimes. JIoN VIN and other apprentices stand in roadway and
makes proposals of marriage to their masters' daughters on second
,floor. Traffic slack-perhaps the street is "up" by order of the
Enter LORD DALGARNO and other bloods.
Enter from shop, MARGARET EAMSAY, sneeting LORD DALOARNO.
LOnD D.-'Fore gad, a lovely gal! [Follows her of.
NIGEL.-Lord Dalgarno persecuting a woman in distress P To the
rescue' [Exit.
Re-enter LonD DALGAiNO and NIGEL, fighting. Enter two TWatchnmen
who interfere.
LORD D.-But a time will come-and then-but no matter!
[Exit, in custody.
HEEIOT.-Nigel, my Lord Glenvarloch, is it you F
NIGEL.-It is, indeed.
HERIOT.-Then come in and have some beer.
(They enter RAMSAY'S shop. Whereupon the apprentices, naturally in-
ce.ised, "rise" and kill one another. Tableau. oDeath of all the
London apprentices, except JIx VixN.
SCENxE 2.-Aparltment in RAMSAe'S house. Enter HERIOT and NIGEL.
NIGEL.-Master Heriot, I am ruined !. The King borrowed a large
sum of money of my father; and in order to raise the necessary
amount, my father mortgaged tho family estates to Lord Dalgarno.
Now, unless the King repays the money, and enables me to redeem
the mortgage by 12 p.m., Lord Dalgarno will foreclose.
[Or something like this.
-HERIOT.-Why don't you go to the King and tell him so ?
NIGEL.-Because I have no Court suit, and can't afford to buy one.
HEHIOT.-I am his favourite jeweller, and will intercede for you.
Nathan's is handy, and a couple of sovereigns will enable you to hire a
second-hand suit, and so appear before the King without transgressing
the rules of Court etiquette. Come. [Excunt to NATHAN'S.
MARGARET.--Dame Ursula. I love a nobleman.
DAMb: U.-But poor Jin Vin.
MARGARET.-Miy father's apprentice ? Pooh!
DAME U. (thoughtfully.)--Truo. [E.reunt, slowly, sneering at JIN VIN.
SCENeS 3.-Ante-room in the King's Palace at Whitehall.
Enter KING JAMES and Court.
KING J.-Eh, but Im just a canny Scot!
Enter NIoGL.
NIGEL.-Your Majesty, you owe me a lot of money.
KING J. (with great presence of mind.)-Eh, get awa' wi'ce! Ye
stink o' the damnable weed caa'd tobacco. Eh, ye've been smoking,
ye dirty spalpeen-I mean callant!
NIGEL.-Siie-a cigarette only, in the cab from Nathan's, I assure
KING J. (with some reason.)-Eh, then why dinna ye clean your teeth
before coming to Court ?
NIGEL.-Sire-my estates were mortgaged to lend you some money.
I shall lose them if they are not redeemed to-night.
KINo J.-Eh, then here's an order upon our Exchequer for the
amount-and just gi' me an acknowledgment.
NIGEL (sees DALGARNO).-I beg your Majesty's pardon-I see a
fellow here to whom I owe a thrashing. I'll just polish him off, and
(The room is cleared for a fight, the throne is pushed into a cori r, and
NIGEL walks into Lonie DALGARNO like a good one.)
KING J.-Eh, tak' him awa to the Tower. The fine for drawing a
blade in the ante-room is jint half a dozen of champagne.
NIOEL.-Indeed! Then I'm off to Alsatia !
[Jumps through window and escapes.
ACT II. SCENE 1.-Alsatia, in the Sanictary of Whitefi iars. Alatians
in false noses discovered revelling. MiR. BARRETT presiding.
NIGEL.-Mr. Barre't, I wish to join your outlaws.
MR. B.-By all mears. We will give you a lodging at the house of
old Trapbois the miser. [Dance, and comic song of the period.
SCENE 2.-House of TRAPOrIS the rliser.
Enter TRAPBOIS and his daughter MIARTHA.
TnaArPEOs.-Gold! Gold! Gold! Hah!
[Picks up a pin and puts it in his wallet, like a miser as he is.
MARTHFA.-What is that paper ?
TiArEois.-Ii is the mortgage deed of the Glenvarloch estates which


I hold as security for moncy lent t0 Lord D)algarno. If it is not re-
decmed in two minute s tIo es!ant will b r mino--minm -mine!
[Sha oes a oint oI.r as n "i s.s a
Enter NI Gi:L.
NIGEL.-A. lodging for the night.
TRAlrnoIs.-Ccrtainly. Go in the:e. [A' Eit N oil'.
(Tl'Arnois ca'ltees a .lj a nd pu:s it ii o his rwatl', lik', a ,in.'r a,< a ,.)
TitApi'.ins -Twelve o'clock! The estate is mine--min!e -mine!
MARTHA.-Not s8-your clock is ton minutes fast.
Koiock. Eiter LORD DALeSRNeO.
LORD D.-IIere is the mortgage money.
T'APvBOIs.-Ha! Disappointed nt!
(Gnawes his nether lip, like a miser as he is. They strt;qijl: f./r inort.ace
deed. DALGAIINO gels it, and exit.)
TRAr'BOIs.-Now to put away the money.
(Opens a trap and places money there. A Kaughty Man bl'eca.'; i;to house,
quietly, and surprises the miser. MIhiser resists. /augiht/y Alan
kills him. NIGEL CoICS to MARTHA'S rescue. Sr c,'ules.)
ACT III. ScENE 1.-Old London-bridyc. Grand Balle otf ]is!f.:s and
Railiray Porters in 2Loley-street. Then enter JiN VIN eind
MARIGARET ifl male costN ic.
MARGARET.-You have promised to row Nigel to the Isle of Dogs.
JmN VIN.-I have !
MAEGARET.-Soft, he is hero !
Enter someni Soldiers with DALGARNO. They attack NIGHL, ii.o s /gliins i
into his boat. Business bCetween DALOARNO aand NIG EL l1nt ri.ible
from Stall Yo. 54, but resulting in DALGAINO belit/ killed and
thrown into the river. The /iace of Nature is much disturied, the
sun, in the confusion of the moment, setting in the cast, and the inion
rising unexpectedly in the north.
SCENE 2.-Greenwich Park.
Enter KING JAMES, with stiffed staq and a pack of sler,.t harriers (!)
KING J.-Eh, but it's a varra fine beastio!
[But that is a matter of opinion.
Enter NIGEL.
NIGEL.-Sire-my petition.
KING J.-Eh, it's the loon who smells of tobacco, and who didn't
pay the half-dozen for drawing his sword in the anto-room. Away
with him to the Tower! [They take hini aray.
Eter MAIGARET, still in boy's clothes.
MARGARET.-My liege-a petition in favour of Nigol.
KING J.-Eh, what again ? Why, it's a lassie! You're ower fond
o' him, I suppose ?
IMARGAIET.-I am-ower fond!
KING J.-Away with her to the Tower, and (aside to Nobhi) put her
in the same room with Nigel. (They take her away.) And now i'll
just go to the King's Lugg," where I can overhear what takes place
between them.
SCENE 3.-Room in the Tower. The King's Luggq," an opening in a
pillar, is distinctly visible to the naked eye. E,iter NIruL.
NIGEL.-This, then, is my prison!
MARIGARIET.-This, then, is my prison! (Sees NIGEL.) HIIa a man!
[KING JaNMs's head appears at the orijice.
NIGEL.--IIa! a youth!
KING J.-Eh, but ye're just a dour carl not to see it's a lassie!
NIGEL.-Why, it's Margaret!
KING J.-Eh, but ye've been a devil of a time finding it out!
Etder iHEsRIOT.
HIElOT.-My lord, here are your estates, and hero is the order on
the Exchequer which you lost last night.
(KING JAMES conics down.)
KING J.-Eh, but ye're just a dom'd interfering auld scoondrcl to
come in just as it was getting intercstiny. (To MAROAltET.) Nigel is
varra wealthy, will ye wed him ?
MA1oGARET.-Is he ? Oh, yes, I will indeed.
KING J -And if our kind friends in front will only signify their
approbation, there won't be a happier couple than The King o' Scots !
OursEL.vss.-A clever play-decidedly interesting from beginning-
to end. M11. HALLIDAY has not only done his work of adaptation skil-
fully, but he has introduced much new matter, and all that lie bus in-
troduced is appropriate and to the point. Mio. PHEI.'s, who is, in OUT
thinking, the very best eccentric actor and, perhaps, the very wornt
tragedian of prominence that we possess, is fitted witli two pirts which
develop his rminy excellent qualities as a comedian to the behsi, advan-
taige. The piece is uniformly well played, partiiculirly by Ma.
PHELL'PS, Mn. ADInsoN, Mn. CUMMING (admirable), Nus. i",rANK
MATTHEWS, 'Miss FANNY AnDISON, and MIss HEATH. Dl IE. l'nicir
plays Nigel with care and spirit. The scenery is admirable, par-
ticularly the views of Flket-street and Old London-bridge.


[OCTOBER 10, 1868.

A POET has observed, "My lodging is on
J" the cold ground," and a philosopher,
A therefore, needs not to defend his choice
of the subject of this paper for the pre-
sent series. It would be easy to do so,
should it be deemed necessary. What is
the definition of a lodging ? The pay-
ment of rent is not an absolute necessity,
or many a poor lodging would lack the
qualification. If the lodger sleeps and
lives in the lodging, what more can you
require ? And, alas, in the large lodging-
house of the open air how many thou-
sands not only live and sleep, but starve
and die? "The key of the street" is
their only latch-key. Aurora is the
chambermaid who calls them, and their
breakfast is off rashers of cold morning
air. At times, an unhappy lodger lies in
bed too long of a morning-in fact, de-
clines to get up; and has to be taken to some convenient spot where
the coroner and his jury may inquire into the case. Of course,
society is shocked at this sort of obstinate somnolence, but it has not
as yet attempted to supply a better class of lodgings where the tempta-
tions to this style of slumber would be smaller.
Our first group of lodgers belongs to the class which, with some
vague idea of the necessity of a roof, betakes itself to dry arches-or,
rather, arches that are as dry as can be expected. The railways which
have turned such large numbers of the poor out of house and home,
supply a fair addition to the old-established hostels like those at the
Adelphi. The group consists of TIM O'DOOLAHAN-TIM O'DOOLAIAN,,
junior-and Mas. O'DooLAHAN. The O'DooLAHAsN and family have
just returned from their annual trip into the country, the hop-picking
being over. The O'DooLAHax might, we suppose, describe himself
as a gentleman, for he certainly has no trade or occupation, and his
means are independent-very independent-so much so, in fact, as to
be rarely visible. Revealed by the light of the policeman's bull's-
eye, as he is in our initial, he will be found to be partaking of a light
and fragrant supper. It has rather the character of an Oriental
repast, being somewhat Barmecidal, for he is only sucking at an
empty, but ancient and well-coloured stump of a pipe. The
talents of the O'DOOLAHAN are as varied as those of his race usually
are. He can hold a horse, sweep a crossing, run on an errand, and
make himself generally useful-when he can find employment.
His son and heir has embarked in a dangerous calling. He is an
acrobat, and does cartwheels alongside omnibuses, at the very imminent
risk of being run over. Mas. O'DOOLAHAN vends boot-laces and stay-
laces, which is not so profitable a business as it was ere spring-sides
and patent corsets were invented. It is true that MR. O'D.'s trade is at
area-steps and kitchen-doors, but, as the sage is aware, fashion rules
the kitchen and drawing-room alike, just as Love "rules the Camp,
the Court, the Grove." Spring-sides and patent corsets have barely
walked in at the front-door, before imitations of them sneak down the
The O'DOOLAHAN and family bear their hard lot with grim fortitude.
And a hard lot it is. One half the world," said some clever person,
" does not know how the other half lives." Let there be added to that
maxim this rider-" that if it did know it would not believe it in many
instances "
"Come into the Gar-
den, MAUD And yet -i
on second thoughts the w.
Market is not quite the
place for a lady, so we
will leave MAUD in the
carriage and inspect Co-
vent Garden Market by
ourselves. There is no-
thing to be seen in the
main arcade. The echo --
of our own footsteps
is all that is to be heard there. Bat step aside and examine the environs
of the fashionable promenade. Baskets! Yes, there are baskets.
There is also a strong odour of decaying vegetable substance. What
is that sticking out of that basket ? Oh, only legs and feet. Legs
and feet belong to JIM. Jim-surna'ne unknown-is a vegetarian,
but I fear the diet of our first parents does not agree with him morally
or physically. It does not inspire him with primeval innocence and
virtue, for he filches from the stalls whenever he can get a chance. Jim

is not a lotos-eater, because nobody sells lotos in the arcade. If
it were sold JIm would taste it somehow or another-dishonestly from
the stall or honestly from the gutter. But JiM is not a lotos-eater
figuratively. He has very little of the repose of that classical vege-
tarian, for he is hunted about by the market people and the police. He
gets work at times, being occasionally taken on to do the shouting for
a coster who has lost his voice at the commencement of the sparrer-
grass" season. JIM is as you see only a joint occupant. He cannot
claim a vote for Westminster:-if he could he would give it to MILL,
for he likes a "jolly good mill," and is very often gratified with the
sight of one by the market porters. Jim's fellow-lodgers are in the
same line of business as he, but there is no jealousy among them. "Doing
nothing" is about the only active employment in which competition
does not at times engender envy.
These two miserable mites are ra- I
their young to be lodgers on their
own hook "-which is not a pot-
hotk or a meat-hook-but lodgers
they are sure enough. They try I
to make a living by selling Vesu-
vians, but business has been bad
to-day-it is always uncertain-
so they have had little to eat.
Poor little wretches! Their bed
is a hard one. If you don't believe
me try it yourself, and see how
you like a panelled door for a pil-
low, a white flag-stone for sheets
(and blankets!) and iron rails for
lace bed-curtains. Add to tbis
the chance that the policeman will '
turn you off to a new bed" r
every time he seos you, and I
think you will acknowledge that
you can do your sleeping on more advantageous terms.
Our young friends are awake. We will inquire their history. It
is simple enough. Larger child with red head is called RATTY. Doesn't
know why. T'other chaps called him so he supposes. Little 'un (he
is so big himself!) is his brother, by name DICK. Never knowed their
father-believed he was in prison. Mother used to drink and thrash
them freely, so they ran away. Yes! it is a precious hard life, what
with the bobbies and the bigger chaps. Never been to school, but
knows a good bit o' swearin' and sich-learnt that in the streets.
Let us give him our odd coppers, and send the pair off in search of
a meal and a bed. And here we would give our worthy reader a hint,
upon which if he acts, he will acknowledge that the penny he gave
for this number of FuN is the best money he has ever laid out.
You have, no doubt, frequently seen boys like our friend RATTY
yonder, hanging about near small eating-houses. You will have ob-
served in the windows of those shops huge greasy slabs of a strange and
ghastly pudding, and will have wondered who on earth could be found
to Eat such an uninviting compound. Well, just give a few coppers to
the RATTIES who happen to be near you, and see them devour the
viand off a cabbage-leaf. Only you had better try the experiment in
some place where there is a quiet corner you can get into out of
observation after the spectacle; because if you have a tender heart,
the chances are, you will be strongly tempted to have a good cry.
This youth has loftier
.7. -- notions than RATTY. He
*- '.: .. has selected a fashion-
able locality. His lodg-
ing isin Hyde-park, and

(or as-green-as-can-be,-
considering) lap of Mo-
ther Nature. It is not,
9 perhaps, an unpleasant
lodging in summer, but
at other times that good lady is neglectful as to damp sheets, and no com-
plaints made to the park-keepers have been found conducive to the better
airing of the linen. The youth reposes on his stomach, in accordance
with the rule-origin unknown-that when you sleep on grass, you
should sleep on your stomach. I am a little afraid our slumbering
innocent is not so green as the grass he sleeps on. He may have been
a shop-boy or errand-lad who has robbed the till, or cheated his
master. He has begun a downward career that has already made its
mark on him:-note the turn of the lank curl on his cheek !
Our next lodging is in the Mall, where the benches are fully occupied
every night. The subject we select is a countryman, who has tramped
up to town many a long and weary mile. He has been robbed of his
money by sharpers, and cannot pay for a regular lodging. You might
have met him in Piccadilly a couple of hours ago, asking How far is
it to Lunnon f" It is difficult to say what will become of him. He may
have friends or relatives whom he has come to see but cannot find.

OCTOBER 10, 1868.]


He may find them, and they may help him : but then, again, he may world of meaning; an1 his lvibit of thumping the table whenever ho
not do the one thing, and they may not do the other. He will, in that uttered a word of more than three syllables was imnre sivo if n;.
case, be taken before the magistrare, or may be passed on by the guar- electrifying. B-- was rather below the middle height and no.
dians. Or he may sink down into beggary, and become a vendor of ungracefully formed; his exprossim was pleasing in early life, before
chickweed. and groundsel, or of ferns. We won't disturb him to ask the inordinate cup had somewhat dinmmed the Instro of his evo and
any questions. He has not long to sleep, for the roar of the city will likened his nose to the produce of SiiAKiiSPEAREi' famonos mulberry
begin again soon (it is muttering now), and that will drive away all tree. Ho left a wife and five children totally unprovided for, and no
chances of repose for one who is used to the quiet country. He will motive is assigned for the rash act. I never think of his untimely
wake with a start from a hideous dream that he had become entangled demise without stopping to ponder over the beautiful speech of RIHlARD
in the steam threshing-machine and is being torn to pieces. And he THIE SBCOND on death, introducing an antic, a castle wall, and a
will find his limbs sore and aching enough to support the illusion little pin.
I was also intimate with Diox Scissoas, the sub-editor of that well-
S known sporting paper, Leqg's Weekly JHed;cr ; and I shall never forgot
J r I a remarkable instance of his dogged perseverance. One evening-it
I was the day before the memorable Derby of 1850 when so much money
was lost by betting-DICK was in the company of a few choice spirits;
a d, being desirous of appearing at the next daty's races, he was
e_ ,erv'oialy anxious to obtain the loan of a sovereign. This caprice we
unanimously declined to gratify; whereupon D)wc with emphasis ex-
____ I .claimed, No f Then by Jove I'll walk it 1 And lihe provd as good
as his word, actually performing the journey to Epsomn and back on
foot. This instance of resolution should surely atone for a multitude
of my poor friend's errors.
The gayest of our set was undoubtedly Bon SrTI'PLTr, the artist. This
a brilliant but erratic star was ruined by a stroke of good fortune Tho
eccentric MAQoUIS OF H- asserted one day that it was impossible
for any human being to attend the performances at the Colosseum onl
half-a-dozen consecutive nights. He backed this opinion by a wager
of ten thousand pounds, and Bon STr'aLE accepted the challenge. The
feat was performed, incredible as it may appear; but the shook to
..0B_..__ ROBERT'S nervous system was of such violence that it was found neces-
sary to lay out nine thousand eight hundred pounds of his hard-earnod
A HERO OF ROMANCE. winnings in stimulants as quickly as possible. The remaining two
hundred pounds were borrowed by a false friend, and Bon STn'I'LE is

'Was a Norman of fame and renown, without arrogance he now endures adversity without despondency.
In those days they called him a Let the opulent and the indigent, a likelearn a lesson from BOB
chief- STIPrPLES.
I think we should style him a thief. In those days I often went behind the scenes of a theatre. The
animation and novelty seldom failed to produce in me a kind of intoxi-
From his castle near Williamsville cation, not altogether unlike that which results from drinking, spirituous
Town liquors. After several of these visits I began to impress the features

down- recognize them in the streets with unerring accuracy. I sometimes
Hesaid'twasmeretoll-taking,that- took off my hat to Mai. W\VeurmT and Mit. CHARLESa MATHIEWS ill t01
But we say it's felony flat. Strand; but they were generally so much occupied in committing their
parts to memory that my salutes remained unnoticed.
WFor some time this hero of fame I know Ma. PAUL BEDFORD very well by sight, and I never fail to
Went on with his nice little game. attend the Dramatic College FMte on the shilling day. I have seen
But one day a merchant he robbed, Miss LrYDi THOMPsON sell a photograph for half-a-crown.
Ml, 1- 4. 1t t

The merchant took infinite pains
To let out our gentleman's brains.
If he did not succeed, 'tis past doubt
'Twaa because there were none to let out.
But-all doubt on the case to decide-
Our WILLIAM most certainly died,
With a very large hole in his knob,
Which most clearly had settled the job.
Certain noblemen's families still
Boast loud their descent from our WILL;
They scarcely do well to extol
A chap who'd be now sus. per coll.
Do folks always think what is meant
By boasting of ancient descent ?
Had BxLL SIKES lived in fifteen, naught, nine,
He'd have founded a glorious line !

ABOUT this period (1848) I became acquainted with many dramatic
and literary celebrities. The lamented B-- (then in a subordinate
position at one of our East-end theatres) ever proved a true friend.
Those who knew him only in his public capacity can form no concep-
tion of his geniality in the social circle. Many a time have I heard
him, like YoaICK, set the table in a roar." His imitation of EDMUND
KnEA was acknowledged, even by those who had not seen the original,
to be a masterpiece. His humour was neither caustic like JERROLD'S
nor flippant like Hcox's. It consisted less in what he said than in his
manner of saying it. A single nod or wink would often convey a

311bers to eo onj eit.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope ; and iwe do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
B. C. asks us to decide whether white is a colour. We do not undertake
to answer conundrums, but if it be of any service to him he is welcome to
the information that in Clerkenwell there is a herbalist called White, who is
a culler of simples. Now the colour of simples is green-will that suit
B. C.?
MIGHT WAsH."-Not so-'appy as you might be.
ONE OF THE OTHER WES."-You must have been indulging in Eau de
We, your meaning is so obscure and your language so incoherent.
HYPERIAN.-Your carte de visit is of no use to us.
W. G. I. (King Henry's.road.)-At the sight of that old one about the
police and "Aries we painted, and it was difficult to res-Taurus.
B. A. (Bethnal-green), asks us to "inform him frankly of the merits and
demerits of his MS. We have been unable to discover any of the former,
and only one of the latter-but that is a big one, fur it consists of the
whole MS.
SPIDER must have been flying when he wrote.
A CONSTANT READER (Manchester).-On the right side of your month.
J. S. R.-We see no harm in the card.
RUTH P.-Not quite up to the mark.
Declined with thanks :-T. G, Oxford; T., Barnard Caille; II. M.,
Spitalfields; J. A. H., Wolverhampton; W. C., Stewart's Lmw,; ]E. S. M.
T. G. ; G. M.; H. V., TRgent-street; ConstanAt reader; W. T., loristol;
M. R. D., Waterford; J. G., Aberdeen; 72 X, City 1); J. D., Glasgow;
A Numble Subscriber; A. L. H., Lambeth ; E. J. E., Westbourn'-e.quaro;
W. S. ; J. W., Glasgow; T. W. A. E., Newport; D). K., Arbou, -square;
H. H., Putney; B. T. W. C., Strand; F. G. It., Royal Exchange-build-
ings; Dan; Poor Pussy, Pimlico; H. L.; W. G.; U. C. C. ; M. It. P.,
Westbourne-park-road; E. K. N. G., Turnham-gretn ; A. B. X.



[OCTOBER 10, 1868.


A LA LANTERNE I It is to be hoped, for the sake of old associations, that something
THE birthplace of "Sweet Jenny Jones," the ft-sung Llangollen, ill be done to rescue romantic Llangollen from darkness. If gas is
THE birthplace of "Sweet Jenny Jones," the oft-sung Llangollen, too expensive, is there, we ask, no oil in Wales ?
seems to be in a very bad way. The ratepayers held a meeting the
other day to consider the beet means of reducing the rates. They
began by rolling two single gentlemen-the roadman and scavenger- A Week of Sundays I
into one, incorporating with him the turncock, and then imposing the BEAvo the London, Brighton and South Coast Railway Company !
collective office on the surveyor. To be sure they lightened his duties Just read this:-
as turncock, by abolishing the watering of the streets. On this prin- The e of cheap unday retrn tickets will also be discontinued on and from
ciple, they might have made him lamplighter also, as they passed a Wednesday September S eth, 1868."
resolution that the lighting of the streets was to be discontinued.
One of the advocates for "dousing the parochial glims" is reported by We should think the author of that sentence must have been born
the Oswestry Advertiser to have said :- when Michaelmas-day fell on the First of April.
"I cannot see why the streets are lighted between nine and twelve, I don't
think any one can possibly transact business after nine. I think we ought to be at A Fane-atic.
home, reading or singing, at that time. I have many nights, after going for my
glass, come home between ten and eleven, seen nobody about. I was ashamed of COLONEL FANs has been airing his maxim Odi profanum" at
myself, as a ratepayer, when I saw the lamps lighted. And why ? Because the the expense, not so much of the volunteers he dislikes, as of the swells
ratepayers were so foolish as to pay 20 to light me home." he wished to uphold. It might have been wrong (if it were true) that
It is pleasant to have even so poor a reason as this, rather than a more volunteers should take no notice of general and other officers riding by
simple one, for the gentleman's feeling ashamed to see himself coming them; but then the language which (as he reports) general and other
home after "going for his glass." But we suppose other people went officers use is infinitely worse. However, we believe COLONEL FANE
to get their glasses and were lighted home, and so our friend must not misrepresents both generals and volunteers. His loftiest flights do not
place the whole twenty pounds down to his own illumination. rise above the Fane-attic.
Another speaker thought the lighting a mistake-he could come e above the 1ane-att___
home much better in the dark. He then went on to say that on one
occasion he was in danger of falling, because the gaslamp dazzled his SPORTING ITEM.-BaCk a racehorse when it has "a dickey leg "-
eyes. Was he "coming from his glass," we wonder safe to go-" like a bird."

OVER COATS, 21s. TO 63s.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoanix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: October 10, 1868.

OCTOBER 17, 1868.] F UT N 55


ONE great part of the day's work of a good many people that come
to the City every morning is to make out the time till they leave in
the afternoon. This remark does not apply to one lot. I mean to me
and the rest of the underpaids, but mostly to them that have pretty
well feathered their nests and don't do more than just give a look
round for an hour or two, or sit ornamental in their private office with
a big bright inkstand and a tray of pens that won't write, and the
Times newspaper, and an almanack, and dry sherry and biscuits in a
compartment of the bookcase, and a general look of having worked
their way up till they knew all about all the secrets of the City; and
being in the confidence of the governor and company of the Bank of
England, the directors of the South Sea House, the beadle of the Stock

great flight takes place westward, and if a stranger from the country
was just to take his stand say near the celebrated tree in Wood-street,
Cheapside, and look across at Bow Church, he'd think, if he was of an
artistic turn (though we ain't a very artistic lot in the City, which
I've heard requires a country education), that there was a grand
procession in honour of something or other going on that if put
into a big picture and called by an Italian name, and hung in a
place where you could only see a bit of it at a time, which
is, I'm told, the art of hanging pictures-would be thought something
very magnificent indeed. I don't know that the costumes of the
gents that are going westward to their clubs are particularly graceful,
but they're as good as many others. The Bluecoat boys represent a
period when there wasn't much to boast of in the way of toggery I
should say, and so do the Common Council on Loan MAYOR's Day,
such of 'em as get themselves up anything like in blue cloaks with
hareskin collars. But it isn't the gents going to their clubs. They
have tried to get up a club in the City, but it don't answer. The

Exchange, the Coal, Corn and Finance Committee, the master of the
Bridge House estates, the Prebendary of St. Paul's, and the head
waiter at KING AND BrYMER's, where they go sometimes as the cold
weather's setting in, for a basin of ox-tail soup or a shilling's-worth of
dry sherry and a bath bun to preface them for their six o'clock dinner.
Now the rail goes to no end of stations all round London, there
are not quite so many of those solemn turns-out, those dark green,
and deep lustrous claret-coloured broughams, with a Lombard-
street look in their shining panels and in the plating of the harness,
and a turtle-fed sleekness in the very coats of the horses, and a family
platedness in the very silver of the coachman's wig and the buttons of
the footman that held the door open. The carriages are mostly at the
station, and don't come down to the office except when there's a dinner
party, or if the ladies have been shopping at the West End. There
ain't so many flash dog carts and phaetons either as there. used to be
in the time of MR. HUDsoN the Railway King; but the gents that
drove them have season tickets, and run up and down the line in the
first-class smoking carriage with an extra pair of clean gloves to put
on after they leave the office, and the evening paper to get through in
the five-and-thirty minutes between Broad-street and Edgware or
the Common Sewer and Hornsey. It's not these that are most looked
at when three o'clock strikes and the early birds are off though. The

privilege of eating a seven-and-sixpenny dinner with a dozen men
you don't know, and of paying twenty guineas down and five guineas
a year for the pleasure of commercial conversation when you've done
for the day ain't appreciated as it might be. It ain't, I say, the gents
going to their clubs westward, or the governors buttoned up, and
wondering whether there'll be saddle of mutton for dinner, and if
they shall be dragged off to the theatre, or be let to have a game at
whist in the evening; or the clerks that have the office to themselves
while the firm's away, and stick "Return soon as possible" on the
door till ten o'clock to-morrow morning-that give life and (what I've
heard a chap that I know say that paints sign-boards mostly, though
capable of something better) local colour to the scene. It's the female
costumes, not so much going from but coming to the City. There's
some that go West, and some that come East; so that there's a sort of
ebb and flow of what it might be polite to call beauty and fashion;
but as we ain't a polite lot in the City, I shan't. The fact is, there's
a little too much of this Early Bird element just now about. You
may see its pink legs on the steps of the very Royal Exchange itself,
where it goes as regularly to transact its trade as though it had a
" walk" inside the building. And from three to five daily it flutters
with newly-pruned feathers about the nooks and corners of the old
civic streets, in a way that must shock even the London sparrows.



[OCTOBER 17, 1868.

S 'HE Stereoscopic Company have issued photo-
graphs of plaintiff and defendant in the
RACHEL-BORRODAILE case; and as doubtless
there are numbers of people who would wish
mto see what the pair are like, the Company
,t S H have done a good stroke of business. But
the photographs are from sketches "taken
-- in court by MR. E. M. WAaD, R.A." I
think an artist who has been permitted to
paint frescoes in the Houses of Parliament should have had better
taste and better feeling. Perhaps, however, Ma. WARD meditates
a companion picture to "Rebekah coming from the well," entitled
"Rachel going to the bad." Or perhaps he is ambitious to become
the "cartoonist" of the Police News. I do not know what the powers
of the Royal Academy are, but surely the Council ought to take
notice of such an undignified act on the part of an Academician. What
will be thought of the Academy by foreign art-circles when it is
learnt that one of its prominent members does not consider it beneath
him to hang about the Old Bailey to sketch Newgate celebrities for
the photograph shops ?
THE Gornhill is better again in art, though in the illustration to
" Lettice Lisle" the child's figure looks a little too much as if it had
been cut out of white paper and pasted on. The story of Lettice
Lisle is admirable; written, I guess, by the author of Avonhoe,"
and those other tales which we have had in this magazine with sueh
marvellously truthful pictures of children and child-life. They are as
powerful as some of those grand early chapters in the Mill on the Floss.
I wonder who this new writer is She-I guess it is a lady-should
come forward and give us the opportunity of adding a fresh name to
our list of notable authors. The Glimpses of Mauritius" is amusing,
and Colonial Parliaments instructive and well-timed. "Ajacio"
is full of interest for the tender-chested, being a plea for that port as a
winter haven for the invalid in preference to Nice. There are some
shrewd "Notes on Othello," in one of which the writer discusses at
some length the meaning of the word "cast" in one or two passages.
Will he accept a suggestion from me ? I fancy it is less likely to be
" caused" for hashedd or "cashiered than it is to be a figure
borrowed from the language of falconry-" cast" as the feathers and
fur are cast" by the hawk.
St. Paul's has a good drawing by MIR. MILLAIS this month. "The
Red Rose" is a poem of more than ordinary merit. "The Conserva-
tive Premier" is well-written and vigorous. "French Players and
Playhouses" may be commended to our playwrights, and actors.
"Other Habitable Worlds" contains some very interestiteresting specula-
tions on the plurality of worlds, based on the extraordinary revelations
of the spectroscope. "Provincial Journalism" is good, and so is a
"Boar Hunt in Burglundy." I find I have mentioned about the whole
contents of the magazine-but that is not my fault. The St. Paul's is
a model of a well-edited magazine varied in matter, unvarying in merit.
I CAN'T say I think the art as good as usual this month in Belgravia.
The best picture is Ma. Leircsa's "Avalanche." The verses to this
are clever. MIR. SAWYE, besides contributing a pleasant prose paper,
writes a telling story in verse, "Cavalier-hunting." "La Premiere
Jeunessoe" is a parody of THACKEAY'S immortal "Wait till you
come to fqrty year," but it misses the ring of the original. MaR.
TuRNER'S "Death and the Seasons" is graceful and polished, much
above the ordinary run of magazine verse. MR. PATTERSON gossips
entertainingly on a subject that is discussed in more than one
magazine this month-the plurality of worlds. Ma. SALA'S "Great
Circumbendibus" is amusing, and MR. TH oNBuRY'S talk about
"Clubs" interesting. "The Conjuror at Home" is so slight that
its purpose is not very evident, unless to prepare us for the re-ap-
pearance of i M. HERMANN, one Iof the deftest of modern magicians.
"Bound to John Company" continues as well as it began-it is
a remarkably good novel.
Good Words is a remarkable sixpennyworth! It is capitally illus-
trated, and its contributors are all writers of note. The two large
pictures this month are very fine, and some of the others are good,
though by being printed with the letter-press they scarcely havejustice
done them. Street Music "-the illustrations to which by the way
are hardly up to the mark-is an excellent paper; and that on "The
Eisteddfod" interesting, bearing testimony as it does to the real use of
such gatherings. Ma. KINGSLEY gives an essay on VESALIUS, that is
full of information, and MR. SIMPrSON, some very readable artist-notes
on Abyssinia. MR. GEzALD MASSEY has been unlucky at times in
awaking echoes that remind one of greater men, and he is specially
unfortunate in his lines on "Lieutenant Prideaux." His mention of
the "Private in the Buffs" suggests a comparison with SIR F. DoYLE's
splendid poem bearing that title. In this month's number I see an-
nounced a new magazine, Good Wardsfor the Young. It is good news

for the young, for among the writers will be the authors of the Water-
Babies, the Ugly Duckling, Lilliput Levee and the Magic Mirror, with
a host of others. We have no juvenile magazines, and this promises
to be such a very good one that Nurserydom ought, to be in ecstacies.
THE Sunday Magazine is another marvel of cheapness and excellence.
This month it is particularly good. MR. HOoUGHTON'S picture of the
Jews in Rome, and MR. MAHONEY'S illustration to The Centurion's
Faith are both very fine, but the gem of the number is Mn. PIN-
WELL'S Gang Children," which, with Miss GEENWELL'S lines, I com-
mend to those who think CANON GIsRDLSTONE a troublesome agitator.
MR. PINWELL also gives us some spirited small drawings in "The
Crust and the Cake," and MaR. HOUGHTON, a clever composition of
"The Court of Solomon." The Crust and the Cake," by the way,
seems to open well, but the other new story Forgotten bythe World"
seems inferior, though its illustrations will go a very long way to atpne
for that. For a touching story, which I venture to think is true, com-
mend me to the Missionary in the East." It is one of those admir-
able papers witch one meets in these magazines at times, and
which set one a-thinking very profitably.
A LITTLE red pamphlet has reached me, which bears the title
Rochefort's Lantern. I must say it looks to me very much as if it had
got blown out in crossing the channel. Probably the writer suffers
by the very inferior translation of his work into English; but he
appears to me more like a scolding fishwife than an accomplished
satirist. The most brilliant thing I can see in the English edition of
the Lantern is a little triangle of three stars which the printer has
drop in wherever he fancied, I suppose, that a point ought to be made.
But even that witticism pales after a time.

HAv you ever been to Burton-the Burton-upon-Trent?
Full well, I ween,
If there you've been,
You'll understand what's meant
When everyone's toiling
At cooling and boiling,
And fumes keep on rising
Whereby a surprising
Strong flavour of beer with the atmosphere's blent.
1.-In JULIET'S soft and lustrous eye
It seemed a type of perfidy.
2.-'Tis handy! At breakfast the use will be found of it-
But don't let your enemies give you a round of it:
There's something alarming, I'm told, in the sound of it.
3.-When naughty boys
Would make a noise,
He shook an angry fist to them!
And bade them not
Frequent the spot
Or else he should do this to them!
4.-" Oh, 'twas merry, 'twas merry in the good greenwood,
In the days of sweet MAID MACIAN and gallant ROBIN HooD."
But I'd venture to suggest to you, if I may be a hinter,
'Twas not the nicest kind of trade to follow in the winter.
5.-Growth of springtime's early hours,
Pray why mayn't I call ye flowers ?
6.-We think it means all that is good and refined,
All the greatest results of the civilized mind.
Bat the Yankees consider it only the word
For all that's exploded, effete, and absurd.
7.-An excellent thing to pay up, there's no doubt of it-
I pity the captain at sea who is out of it.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. S2.-Leaves, Autumn: Lemma, Emu,
Apricot, Vishnu, Elm, Scallion.
Herod; Odd Trick, etc.; Owdashus Cuss; J. O. P recursor; Bondellis; Biled
Owl; Frank and Maria; D.N. 0. B.; Uncle Tom ; Happy Themna; Pauncehiboy;
Sheernasty; Vallombrosa; C F.; M. J. T.; Bokes; Redwad D.; Craven Hill;
Clonglocketty; Flibbertigibbet; Netty S.; Bleepy Peter; Tiverton; (Edipus; Sambo
and Bones; Lizzie and Clara; Columous; F. AlcM.; Linda Princess; G. P. S.;
Hit it Again; Dicky Sam; 2 Woodpeckers; Jack Solved It; Lizzie; Mary and
Eliln; Brown of OuLIs, W. J. A.; Dalziel Cottage; 1. Midd, A. V.; l'ompadour;
Knurr atd Spell; Cockadoodledont; Tue Great UGrsy; Atabualpa; Jaw; Mashed
Turnips; Pym ; Maggie; C E. M M. ; M. D.; Llahtyrt; Slodger and Tinry; Ro-
manel i; A. M. E. ; Poof Wang; Ruby's Ghest; Kuddlip; 3 Carshalton Fools;
Cairnglea; Gordon; Lanty, Facey, and Scrupulous; Notnab; S. P.; Old Maid;
Heart's Darling; Yddap; Pri r; Righteous Ricoard; Romps; A Cwartette, etc.;
Old John; J. A. P. ; Derfla and Yeul; A. M. ; J. D.; Alfred ani Al)th; Thomas,
etc.; Maniac Millie, Crazy Rita, Insane Evie, and Lunatic Lena; Mary P.;
Tadeiggep, etc.; Columbia; Clara and Annie ;Langham Anchorite; J. M. M.;
Nelly P. ; J. L. L.
TE Boy's MOTFHER.-There was a misprint on that occasion. It should have
been the 23rd September. The answers to the acrostic in this number must be sent.
us not later than the 21st.


1 56

OCTOBER 17, 1868.] F U J N. 57

MY little wants are few enough;-
The thing I most of all want
Is one that none except a muff
Would mention as a small want.
I'm not a footman out of place
In search of occupation ;
But mine is just as bad a case-
I want a Situation.
Ten years I've worked my busy raim
In Drama for the million:
I don't aspire to Drury Lane,
Nor stoop to the laviioin.
I've sought materials lo a~ikidh
To edify the'-ntiion;
At last the mount disw=animgd'y-
I wantoa Situation.
I've known 'the aayihaan widely la1des,
Who made improper "iFers
To strictly proper vllhfge gila ,
Could fill a 'houselss~itrs.
The lowly peasasfttfeeifNweate
A wan eattl.ssiastion.
'Such {lem eBaBw 'emntdff rtKe-
I Y *a b5\Otaaia5.
'The toemenrs.anid aintearsbemia
.Bo lord it in our dramas ;
We want expresses worked by *W an,
And gorgeous panoramas.
I naturally wiah to join
This march of .educatmim.
Hang art and talent,; w&erOs ~kse coin .-
I want a Situation.
I fancy that a heavy svwll,
Who burks his only 3anguer
At midnight ina diving-bell,
Would draw '(across the water).
And yet I'm doubtful, I -confess;-
(Excuse my hesitation),
I want a genuine success-
I want a Situation.

THE little Gallery of Illustration always holds out ample induce-
ments for a visit; but just 'now is especially attractive. What is
described as MR. MApK LEMON's Readings of Falstaff in Costume is
in reality a very lifelike and agreeable impersonation of one of the best
of SHAKESPEARE'S characters, 'but one which seldom has justice done
it on the stage. When the Literary Guild, some years ago, gave a
series of dramatic performances, in which many of our best-known
writers took part. MR. 'Ma&x LEMoN was prominently distinguished
for his acting. Those who saw him then, and those who had not
the opportunity, will unite in welcoming him on the stage again. The
selection of scenes is well arranged, but MR. LEMoN might be better
supported by the rest of the company, whose acting will not bear
comparison with the lifelike and vigorous, but unexaggerated per-
formenco of the principal character. Ma. LEMON1 has many natural
qualifications 'for the part, and his humour is unctuous and rotund, as
befits the fat knight, whom, moreover, he endues with a certain
dignity and refinement generally omitted on the stage. But there is
no necessity to go into a lengthy criticism of the merits of the per-
formance. It ii what we should expect of Ma. LEMON, one of the
Patres Conseripti of English humour, the friend and associate of
HOOD, THAGKERAY, JERROLDT, XBECKETT, and, indeed, of all the beat
of our humourists.
THERE is not a better burlesque company in Lendon, perhaps, than
that of the New Royalty Theatre; and it is therefore to be regretted
that it has not better material to work with than MR. BURNAND's
Richard III. A really good burlesque, such as ROBERT BROUGH wrote,
does something more than amuse merely. It has its satiric purpose,
and shoots folly as it flies, with a shaft feathered from Folly's own
wing. Just at present a certain stiid clags of writers are decrying and
condemning burlesque, forgetful of the fact that there are burlesques
and burlesques. Is MR. BU NAND incapable of writing anything
better than stage directions for horseplay, or is he of malice prepense
co-operating with the enemies of burlesque ? It is not easy to say,
either solution being painful.
The opening scene affords an example of what Mn. BURNAND might
have done and of what he has done. He might have sent the DUKE

OF GLO'STER on with a telling couplet. He sends him on upon an
inclined plane, whereon he slips and slides d la clown The bost joke
in the piece is an unintentional one. RICHARD describes TYRUsL as a
man who speaks in monosyllables alone: and TYRREL generally uses
words of two and three syllables! But even this is not original, for one
of the papers some time since spoke of Ml. ROBERTSON'S partiality for
monosyllabic titles, and instanced Sooiety as one of them!
Ma. DEWAR is ill-fitted, and the same may be said of iamost all the
other members ,of the company. They all do their very best with the
piece, and whatever applause they win is due to their efforts-and
applause is by no means wanting, and the house fills well. The
dresses are bright and pretty, and some of the scenery is very pic-
turesque. The music is of the music-hall musio-hally, and the dances
are.sprightly and telling. It is to be hoped that the bright little
theatre and its clever little company will be better suited before long,
land'that M. BURNAND will do himself justice, and remember that his
,old successes were won not by mere practical joking and clowning, but
by emartdialogue. The fact that two songs and:one bit of tomfoolery
in ,Baik SAjsd isatn made it the marvellous success it was must not
make him forget 'what is due to his reputation-and to the company
Ufor which aee -writes.

SmG not to me of the pleasures of holidays,
Toaitumeime not with the mention of "leave" ;
'Write moe :descriptions of bright autumn jolly days,
.Down by the sea where the blue billows heave.
Mere Iaemsitting-I wonit say how spitefully,-
Chained to iy desk in a merciless way;
Longing Tor absence that should be mine rightfully,
Fretting from ten until four every day!
Shooting'!-don't 1 mention it, I use no cartridges,
Save' tis to frighten the cats from my tiles;
I never look upon black cock or partridges,
But when they're dead in the poultry-shop piles.
Boating !-you'll grant me there is not much jollity,
Pulling a skiff in the DBak of St, James,
'With those smalIhoysr'ather prone to frivolity
GivenAto shouting ,the rudastoT -amaes!
Bathing! I have a decided opinion,
As my warm bath at St. Martin's I take,
"Must be much nicer in Neptune's dominion
Or in the crystal of bright-ripplod lake !
Then as to Yachting how very annoying it
Is to me, perched on a Citizen boat,
Just to imagine how friends are enjoying it
While down the channel they lazily float.
Croquet I think of its fun and its frollicking
Down at Penlea with its green level lawn!
Visions of lasses, as ruddy as rollicking,
Come to make bitter my waking at dawn.
'Stead of a walk on the strand neathh the shimmering
Light of the moon, by the waters so free;
I have to pace where the gas lamps are glimmering
Down in that Strand which is W.C.
Climbing the side of old Ludgate's declivity
Does not repay you like scaling Scaw Fell,
Mounting the "knife-board" with mighty activity
Pales on the fancy I know but too well!
The Wood of St. John is too full of Society-
Not my idea at all of a wood;
Meadows one longs for in search of variety
When once in Lincoln's Inn Fields one has stood!
Street calls still wake me, no lark stops my slumbering,
No feathered songsters arouse me from sleep !
I am aroused by some Pickford's van lumbering,
Or by the milkman,-perchance by the sweep !
I can't escape from my bothering creditors,
Still they mount up to my chambers so high;
Still I must scribble for merciless editors
Till that glad day when from London I fly!

Let Bumbledom Take Heart!
THE Premier of England estimates the task of ruling about two
hundred millions of human beings much as a MAYo-ralty-nothing
SPEAKING FEELINGLY.-What Britannia has really ruled this
Summer.-The Roast.


[OCTOBER 17, 1868.

Poacher (who has just missed "snatching" a big Jack) :-" THAT WAS ABOUT THE WERRY NARREREST TOUCH AS EVER HE HAD-(a pause)-

UNDER the mulberries here I sit
With nothing to do in the world but think
Of the idling hours as they lazily flit,
And as they are passing their health to drink
In the coolest tankard that ever was brew'd
Of comforting claret that trickling down,
Gives tone to the body already renew'd
By a week's farewell from the noise of town !
Under the mulberries, editor mine,
After breaking a fast in an Oxford way,
With eggs, and Devonshire cream, and chine-
To live in ozone is to eat all day.
I daily poison the wholesome air
With a well-known packet of WILLS's best,
But notwithstanding the girls repair,
Of croquet and indolent hands in quest.
Under the Mulberries toddling FLO-
A babe of three sweet summers at most-
Spies out an uncle to take in tow
And help to carry the morning's toast
To where the chickens her advent wait,
And where the porkers the acorns crunch,
Miss FLO's reward is to jump the gate,
Her pony's prize an apple to munch.
Under the Mulberries daintily dressed,
Come laughing girls from the country round,
And many a time is the red juice pressed
By lips that enliven the croquet ground.
For awaiting a stroke is but weary work,
And a shade from the pitiless sun a boon,
So many a fair one's found to shirk
A game for the food which requires a spoon.

Under the Mulberries eying the fruit,
Young prigs of the provinces lounge and sit,
Whose shapeless necks tall collars don't suit
Whose backs provincial coats don't lit.
Their dainty fingers the juice would stain,
And the knotty old bark of the tree might tear
The delicate gloves that on hands remain,
And I like an obstinate ass can't bear.
Under the Mulberries after the sun
Has got himself quietly off to bed,
Before the bottle of Beaune is done,
And half the wittiest things are said.
Then sitting beneath where the branches bend,
To the breeze which will presently make them bare,
We wish that a sigh could summon a friend,
And all the world were as free from care!

Oh for a Whip in every Honest Hand."
IN the exercise of his magisterial duties, Mu. BUROHAM recently
ordered the destruction of a cargo of rotten potatoes lying at Saviour's
Dock. We cannot help wishing that the law had placed it within the
power of the worthy magistrate to make those who had consigned the
death-dealing cargo to market feel that he was not only BUROHAM by
name but Birch 'em by nature in such cases as the foregoing.

The New Maine Liquor Law.
THE old Maine Liquor Law clapped the muzzle on the mouths of
men with the ridiculous idea of preventing their drinking when they
were dry. The new Mayne Liquor Law muzzles the dogs with the
even more asinine notion of preventing their drinking during July
and August, when their thirst is most intense.

F U N.-OCTOBER 17, 1868.



OCoBnm 17, 1868.1 FUT N. 61

MRS. BROWN AhID THE MILITIA. fit it into the recesses proper nor yet to the 'arthstono, as will bulge
up somewhere and wear white in no time.
TALx of'eathen savages and pagin Turks, why they're infants in I don't think as ever I 'ad three days 'ardor work with that house ,
harms compared with what I met last Tuesday week in the 'art of not as Mrs. PAnwICK wished me to do it, but I'm one if I begins a
London all thro' a-fallin' in with them milisher, as I considers a down- thing I can't rest till it's done with, and never did I see a housee look
right cuss, as the sayin' is, for whatever is the use on 'em ? and I'm nicer, and I'm sure them as wants to be clean and 'olesome did ought
sure no ornament, for of all the ragged, what I call poverty-struck, to go and lodge with Mrs. PADWICK as 'ave been used to ladies' and
lots as ever I did see, it was them milisher as I've seen afore myself, gentlemen's ways, and wouldn't lot no servant rob 'em nor yet spile
one time at 'Amstead 'Eath, and once over Dalston way. the wittles.
I was a-drinkin' tea at Dalston one evening' with poor Mrs. BILLIN'S I says to Mrs. PADWICK on the Thursday morning, Go I must for
as is 'artbroke about 'er son as is a regular good-for-nothing wagabone, BRowN is sure to be 'ome to-night."
and too much the gentleman for to stick to his uncle's business, as is a "Oh," she says, stop till Sabtrday."
linendraper in Norton Folgate, and neither chick nor child, as the "No," I says, it's my duty to be at 'ome when he comes, and go I
sayin' is, and 'ad regular took that young BILLIN's, as come 'ome to 'is will."
mother with 'is dirty clothes every Saturday night, and might 'ave "Well," she says, "we'll 'ave a early cup of tea, and you oan go
done well, but must needs go mad to be a sojer, and her a downright 'ome in the cool of the evening. "
idjot a-humourin' 'im in 'is rubbish thro' a-eayin' as 'is father was a I says, No, I'll go directly after dinner; as she always takest
gentleman, as is all my eye, for he wasn't nothing but a livery ser- one to a minit, for I didn't feel equal to going' in the morning fat
vant in a nobleman's family as he got 'im a place as what they calls a thing.
tide-waiter in the Custom 'Ouse, as waits for the steamboats to come in I 'ad left my watch to be done up nea the Strand, so wa, a-goii'
to search the passengers as did used to smuggle dreadful, to take the 'bus to Charin' Cross with nothing to carry but a mail
That nobleman he got 'im the place thro' gratitude for 'im a-savin' parcel and my ridicule, 'cos I'd sent my box off by the Parcels
all the family's life when the carriage run away with all the lot down Delivery.
a steep 'ill, as 'eld on to the 'orses' headss and wrenched their mouths We'd a nice bit of cold lamb for dinner with a salid, and all as I
from goin' over a precipitch as must 'ave been certain death to say took was a glass and 'arf of fourpenny ale, and wouldn't take nothing
nothing' of the tide bein' in, as was miles deep. more tho' I felt as that salid were a-lyin' like a lamp of lead at my
Well, as I was a-sayin', young BILLTN's he took to' the milisher, and chest. Ridin' in a 'bus just arter meals is a thing as don't suit me,
there he was a-loafin' about, a-livin' on 'is poor mother as ain't but partikler when empty, as seems to rattle over the stones and shake the
sixty pounds a-year, and a deal of rubbish in 'er 'cad thro' a-talking' werry life out of you.
of 'er pa as a clergyman as was only a Dissentin' minister arter all, As to getting' down Regent Street, it was that crowded as the 'bus
and no great shakes at that, I've 'card say, as is some on 'em splendid were stuck there ever so long, and give me a opportunity for to see
preachers as can be 'card all over the Christiun Pallis, as must be a 'ow the carriage folks dresses, as wouldn't suit me, and as to bonnets
fine voice the' a little too loud for me, as can't a-bear to be bawled at. they're a downright mockery.
Mrs. BILLIN's was a-tellin'me about the trouble as SAM, as is'er son's I was in a bit of a figdet, for I hadn't got off till past three, and was
name, was to 'er. "But," she says, "he certingly do look noble in a-thinkin' as the gal wouldn't respect me 'ome to tea, p'raps, and not
'is uniform, and no wonder as LucY WELLs throwed herselff into the 'ave the little bilin', nor a drop of milk in the house ; as don't take
canal, and was only saved by a boat-hook from aboard a barge 'cos he none in 'er own tea, and makes it bad for the cat when I'm out of the
took up with 'MELIA LIawoon." way, as I don't believe ever getsa drop, tho' I always allow 'or a
I says, "I don't know Lucy WELLS, but she must be a fool, and if 'aporth a-day, but is that wild for it when, I gets 'ome as I'm sure
she'd belonged to me I'd 'ave let 'er stop in the canal a bit afore I must 'ave been debarred from it, as the sayin!'is.
pulled 'er out, boat-hook or no boat-hook." I got out of the 'bus at Charin' Cross, and the way as them boys
"Ah," says Mrs BILLIN's, "it's 'ard on the poor gals when young and gals, as 'angs about bothered me for to buy a box of cigar lights,
fellers is so handsome. and wanted to carry my parcel for me, was downright aggrawatin',
I says Bosh !" to myself, a-swallerin' a drop of tea as pretty nigh and 1 'adn't got my umbreller for to keep 'em off, thro' 'avin lost it.
choked me. I got to the shop where I'd left my watch, and the party as 'ad
I do think it was a judgment on me for not a-speaking the truth, repaired it says to me, "If I was you, mum, I'd 'ave a now one."
for he wasn't no more 'andsome than a cart-wheel, with a pimply nose, I says, What would you allow me for this ?"
what I calls cat's eyes, and bushy black whiskers, with a mustash as "Well," says he "the cases is thick, and it's worth twelve shil-
was a ornament, for they 'id the ugliest mouth and teeth as ever I did lin's."
see, and as to 'is bigger it was a short dumpy one, with knock knees I says, "Why the works is real jewels."
and regular plate-footed. He was all worry well for the milisher, but He only give a smile, and says, That don't count for nothing."
bless you the regular army wouldn't 'ave 'ad 'im at a gift. Well," I says, di'mon's is di'mon's all the world over, and if you
Mrs. BILLIN'S she downright adored'im, and must 'avestinted herselff don't consider 'em worth nothing others does," and puts the watch in
often and often, and more fool too, to let 'im cut a dash, as was all beg- ray pocket.
garly pride, and for to take and deny as he'd know'd young JAcxsON, What aggrawatod me was 'is a-chargin' four-and-sixpence for what
as 'ad been feller 'prentice with 'im at 'is uncle's, as he met one Sun- he'd been and done to that watch, and then to offer twelve shillin's
day down by the River Lea, and young JAcxsoN went up for to speak for it, as I know'd to be a waluable watch, as I found among Brown's
to 'im friendly as drawed itselff up, a-sayin' as he'd got the advantage aunt's things, and 'ad no doubt cost money in its time, the' now out of
on 'im. fashion.
Says young JACKSON, Not know me ? Why, we was at old PIL- I was a-thinkin' when I come out of the shop as my nearest way would
soN's together over three years; don't you remember ?" be over Waterloo Bridge to the Elephant and then another 'bus 'omo,
So says SAM BILLIN's, "It's impossible to remember what never for I was that tired as my feet seemed all bruises aging' the pavement.
occurred," as made young JAcxsON that wild as made 'im tell every I was that uncomfortable thro' that salid as to be obligated for to
one about SAM bein' what he called a tape-stretcher. go in and get a little ginger-brandy, as is a corjial as suits me, the'
Well, as I was a-sayin', whatever is the use of the milisher, as ain't a little too sweet.
no protection as I well knows, for I was a eye witness to'ow their pals (To be concluded next week.)
goes on and them a-standin' by all the time, as I can bear testament
to, for they're a rough lot as is taken from anywhere, for there was a
party with a woedon leg as swep' a crossing' into the Clapham Road I'd choose to be a Daisy, if I might be a Flower."
and 'ad a son as were a born fool, and was took into the milisher, the' SwxzTLY sentimental, no doubt, but still far from being popularly
subject to fits and couldn't make out as two and two was four. acted upon, udging from the number of people we see daily converting
I 'adn't been worry well, and I says to BaowN as I fancied as a few themselves into laughing-" stocks."
days along with Mrs. PADnwic would do me good, as he was a-going
to Wolver'ampton.
He says, "Ah, you'd better go, for you're always a-pantin' after the important to Aeronauts.
West End, as was born for to be a swell yourself." WHo says that man will never have the power to fly ?-A scientific
I says, Goodness knows what I was born for, but I'm sure I've friend of ours has so far solved the problem as to be able with the
been no swell, as knows what 'ard work is, the' thankful not to 'ave greatest ease to "skim over "-a newspaper.
it now."
BROWN, he went off to Wolver'ampton grumpy like, and that werry Who Wants a Seat
same day I went to Mrs. PADWICK, as 'ave took a housee near Bryan- Who Wants a Seat P
ston Square for to let lodgin's with'er little savings, and was glad to WE hear that by the outlay of a trifling sum with a well-known
have me to 'elp make up the curtains as I'm a good 'and at, but as to firm of opticians at Malvern any aspiring politician may take his choice
layin' down a carpet it's regular man's work as no woman never can from an assortment of pocket Burrows'."


[OCTOBER 17, 1868.


DON'T suppose you'd
ever find
A man who galloped
To grief of a decisive
I never knew a purer man
Or one who lived more
But still in every little plan
He failed incontinently.

For daily bit and daily sup,
Unfitted quite to battle-
No man has been more
shaken up
In this terrestrial rattle.

Poor FREDERIcK succeeded ill
In every single section,
He could not forge a simple bill
Or cheque, without detection;
Indeed he often came to grief
With pots on area railings,
And taking someone's handkerchief
Ensured immediate jailings.

He couldn't take a pocket-book,
Or finger people's dials,
But safe detection overtook
This man of many trials.
I've known him long, and watched his ways
And seen him growing thinner,
Along of passing many days
Without a scrap of dinner.
And yet no man more closely bent
To work than did my neighbour,
For every holiday he spent
Ensured a year'sl ard labour.
He worked in Chatham, Devonport,
And Portland dockyards featly,
I've known him build a bomb-proof fort
Particularly neatly.
He worked abroad like any horse
Or other dumb mammalia,
He once passed through a ten years' course
'Road-making in Australia.
But still, though toiling like a brute
His labour little gained him,
Its anything-but-toothsome fruit
But scantily sustained him.

But though black-holed he often got,
And bread-and-watered weekly,
He never murmured at his lot
But always bore it meekly.
Sometimes he'd say, poor gentle boy,
Though lodged and boarded poorly,
E'en such poor boons as I enjoy
I'm undeserving surely.
"Suppose I quit the world so bright
And turn a simple hermit- .
A dim recluse-an anchorite-
I don't know what you term it.
" Men, freed from every sinful mesh,
On herbs and frugal diet,
I'll mortify rebellious flesh
And live in rural quiet.
In stony cell without a door
I'll live and pay no usance
(I've lived in stony cells before
And found the door a nuisance.)
In such a cell in mossy glade
I'll sit, and live austerely;
And sympathetic village maids
Shall love their hermit dearly.

"The maidens too, before I wake-
Before I draw my awning,
Shall come and ask me what I'll take
And how I feel this dawning.
"And every visitor who comes
To see me in my cavern,
Shall bring me marmalade and plums,
And dinner from a tavern.
"So, for a skull, a knotted rope,
And charitable rations,
A robe of sack-a hooded cope,
And box for small donations,
"I'll freely-willingly resign
(The pang will not be bitter)
The joys of life which now are mine
With all their sheen and glitter !"
And so he did! To forest thick
He fled from worldly folly;
When last I heard from FRBDERIOK
He was extremely jolly.

Latest from Scotland-yard.
SIR RICHARD MAYNE has issued orders to the police employed about
Woolwich, Deptford, and Plumstead Marshes, to destroy all mosquitoes
found going about without muzzles. It has recently been ascertained
by a profound naturalist that the mosquito frequently goes mad in the
summer, owing to its imprudent practice of feeding upon human
creatures. All stray flies are to be captured and taken to the nearest
police-station. If not claimed within ten days they will be sold by
public auction to defray expenses. The constabulary of the above-
mentioned districts have been aimed with cutlasses and revolvers in
order that they may be thoroughly equal to their new duties.

A Hint for Chancellors of the Exchequer.
AN income duty of tenpence in the pound is an absurdity which no
statesman ought to be guilty of proposing. The income duty comes
under the head of tin-tax. How then could it be a tenpenny "nail" ?

OcTOBv 17, 1868.] F TJ N 63

THBRE is always a certain solution of continuity" in reading a
novel in a magazine-even in a bound volume. The issue of MR.
MoY THOMAb's excellent story, A Fight for Life, in the regular three
volume form will therefore be welcomed by all who wish to read and
enjoy it. It is turned out by MEssns. Low, Sow, AND MAASTON, with
all the advantages of good print and paper, and will, we feel sure, be
in large demand. The plot is full of interest and mystery, and the
action pushes along with sustained vigour. Nothing could be better
than the first two volumes. In the third the necessity of winding up
an intricate story in a short space is a little too apparent. One or two
of the chief personages are excellent examples of character painting,
and even those that are most slightly sketched in are lifelike andeffec-
tive. It is to be hoped that we shall meet MR. THoMAs again as a
novelist before very long.
MR. TINsLEY commences the issue of a cheap library of fiction with
a reprint of Mn. Ross's .Pretty Widow. Mn. Ross should cut his
pencil-not to a point, but for good and all-and stick to his pen, at
any rate if he can give us more stories like this. It is one of the
most artistic we have read for some time. The old professor, his
loose-fish of a brother, the little French apothecary, are all living
beings for the reader, not mere puppets, and the humour with which
the record of their doings is lit up at times is honest anti healthy.
There is no "pathetic writing" from beginning to end, bhut I'the
tenderest pathos underlies the story of poor Peter Polybank. The
Pretty Widow is altogether an exceptionally good book. Its characters,
as we have said, are real and lifelike. Its pictures of the quaint little
French-town of'St. Babylas are capital. And its plot is simple and
probable, yet full of interest. It would hardly be fair to close our
notice without praising the genuine fun of the scenes in the French
college, wherein .tho boys torture the professor with all the ingenuity
ef school urchins.

ERRY MOMUS, as they call you, god of
censure or of mocking,
It is well that ancient writers made
you out the son of Night ?
Spite of worn-out old tradition, -we con-
sider it is shocking
That some people to degrade you
should be trying all their might.
Fable says how MR. VULCAN made a
(mighty man of mettle,
And you scolded when a window
wasn't left within his breast.
I'd be sorry to relate to you the tale of
pot and kettle,
That the story is appropriate will
surely be confessed.

Come, old Momus, god of censure, if
you've any pluck about you,
Come with lashes and with scourges,
and the vials of your wrath,
Come and thrash the men who've chosen
you as patron but to scout you,
Single-handed, come, well knowing
many cooks would spoil the
Come in sudden bursts of anger and with
purifying vigour
To the singing-shops where brazen
men and raw-boned women bawl.
Come and see the place where reigns in
state the everlasting nigger.
Come and see the degradation of a
London Music Hall.

Merry Momus! where they pledge you
in deep draughts of gin-and-
Where they do their best to soothe
you off to sleep in dulcet tones,
There, the unreflecting father takes wife, son, and little daughter,
To see greedy Death awaiting for some acrobatic bones !
Hear the stifled shriek of women and the men's guffaw of laughter,
When some starving wretch for shillings waits his end upon his
Hear the clapping and excitement, on the lucky nights, but after
Hear the sudden thud of something, and the awful sob of dead."

Merry MoMus! they will tell you that you save men from the tavern,
Where the weary and forgotten drown theirmemories in drink;
Where the dogg'd, distressed, and dirty turn aside into a cavern,
Resting only for a moment as they totter to the brink.
We are sick of Virtue's platitudes, of pot-houses and savings
Of neglected wives and language not refined or over-nice,
Were Elysiums invented to stop nature's wilful cravings ?
Can't the music-hall and pot-house cry they're quits regarding vice ?
Tell us, Momus, if the tavern offers great, and what, temptations
To the girls with servants' wages and a woman love of dress ?
Does it humanize the crowd, or does it vilga izeithe nation P
We have only to look round us and it isnt hard to guess!
Does the tavern shield its misery or advertise distresses,
Does it spoil its wretched children when itonly spares the rod P
Did it bring us to the sight we see each night at the Princess's
Of a playhouse, full of women, forced to writhe neathh Tommy Dodd ?

Dinner Service and lEairiag Service.
MR. ConBe T's cheap dining-plaes at Glasgow have been an
immense success. The cooks and attendants are ill women, but Mn.
CORBETT finds they are so sought after as wives by the clerks and
artisans of Glasgow that he has some ttifficilty in keeping up
the supply, no less than twenty-four girls having been married this
year from the dining-rooms. Of course our canny Scots show their
accustomed 'cuteness in selecting their wives from a dining-room where
they have such an opportunity of judging ,of their qualifications as
"help-meats." __

Honi oDit I
Ax American of our acquaintance says that 'his countrymen have
improved upon-as they always improve upon (everything-tho old
maxim, "Get on-get honour-get honest.' The politicians of tho
United States adopt the advice to get on" anad to "get honour"-
but instead of "getting honest," they got off- ed.

A Very Proper Comlimnent:
A TnBATRE-VERDI has been opened at Busseto in honour of the
composer. Nothing could be more appropriate since Busseto is the
place Vhere-de composer was born.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MS8. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
H. 0. T.-The only thing we can say about "Do you remember what we
did" is, that the subject was more deserving of recollection than the verses.
The next time you kiss young ladies in the enthusiastic manner described in
the lines, let it be a case of "Kiss, and don't tell."
T. M.-We really cannot tell, if you will send a monogram, whether
your initials are T. M. or M. T.; but we should incline to think the
AMIE s.-Bless you, sir, we don't mind being pitched into. We have
long since learnt that next to imitation, abuse is the sincerest form of
flattery, and in the jeu-d'esprit you enclose we have both.
Tim GOBLIN.-From your allusion to sewing machines, you seem to be
connected with Gobelin Tapestry.
CONSTANT SURSCRIBER.-We will do our best.
J. K.-Partially successful.
LORD STANLEY."-It would be as well not to take a respected name as
the alias for a scribbler of idiocy.
J. G. (Boxworth-grove, Barnsbury.) Declined with thanks-see our
rules, from which we never depart.
BLow-TvP.-You're a very jolly fellow, but we don't want Acr--but,
there, you know that as well as we do.
G. W. A. (Manchester.)-Thanks.
H. G. (Beaconsfield.)-Declined. What is to be done with the timber ?
We can't cut it.
A. L. B. (Brighton.)-Thanks. As you will see, we had taken the
"Lodgings" before you.
Declined with thanks :-P. 30; E. B. L., Notting-hill; B. G., Rother-
field-street; D. A J., Glasgow; Theodore; A. S., Glasgow; Mimey;
T. L. T. C. ; A Bewildered Correspondent; A. R., Adelaide-road; Maury;
F. G. D.; X. Z.; R. A., Kennington-park; Fudal, Liverpool; Three
Corners, Glasgow; T. L., Wickham Wood; W. J. M., Greenock; A Simple
Fellow; Yema; Miss H., Talbot-road ; Needles; Jenina; J. H., Kelso;
E. N.; T. P.; Old Port; Parry Pattens ; V. V. V.; L., Brighton; J. C.,
Liverpool; R., Leeds; Nix 'em; Pesky; P. P., Newington; t. L. T.,
Birkeuhead; J., Penge; Nemo Nobody, Esq.; R.; L. S., Cork; M.,
Boulonge; Pinky; A New Subscriber; Verox; P., Ramsgate; Collinolin;
J. LE ; Peter the Duke.

64 F J N [OCTOBER 17, 1868.

The bother of Breech-loaders.

A CORRESPONDENT, who has been promptly condemned in costs by the
Judge of the Reprobate Court, has sent us the following :-
How GOLD PENxs AE MADE.-Gold pens are tipped with iridium, making what
are commonly known as "diamond points." The iridium for this purpose is, ob-
serves the Scientific Review, found in small grains in platinum, slightly alloyed with
this latter metal. In this form it is exceedingly hard, and well adapted to the pur-
pose of the gold penmaker. The gold for pens is alloyed with silver to about six-
teen carats fineness, rolled into thin strips, from which the blanks are struck. The
under side of the point is notched by a small circular saw, to receive the iridium
point, which is selected by the aid of a microscope. A flux of borax and a blowpipe
secures it to its place. The point is then ground on a copper wheel with emery.
The pen blank is next rolled to the requisite thinness by means of rollers especialir
adapted to the purpose, and tempered by blows from a hammer. It is then trimmed
around the edges, stamped, and formed in a powerful press. The slot is next cut
through the solid iridium point by means of a thin copper wheel, fed with fine
emery, and a saw extends the aperture along the pen itself. The inside edges of the
slit are smoothed and polished by the same means of rapidly-running wheels and
emery, and burnishing and hammering, to produce the proper degree of elasticity,
finish the work.
" This is the way in which gold pens are made," says our correspon-
dent, "but in what way do pens make gold ?" We confessed our-
selves unable to see the point of his pens, whereupon he replied by
return of post, thus, "In what way do pens make gold ? The write
way of course;-ask Tupper!"


Dulce est de-sip-ere.
A SMnLL pamphlet, entitle" d Letters to a Friend on Moderate Drinking,
has recently been published. Its author gives his reasons for having
advanced (as he says) from moderate drinking to total abstinence. All
well, and good so far But was he writing in sober earnest as a total
abstainer when he signed his letters Di-sip-ulus ?

Pretty Bo.b-ish.
A HUMBLE shilling is all that CHIPPS can afford for his dinner:-
seeing-" Grouse Is. 6d."-on the Bill of Fare day after day-it was
natural-but spiteful-that he should term that highly-esteemed
member of the feathered tribe-" a mocking bird."

NOTICE.-On Monday, November the 2nd, price Twopence,
Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, enyg ared by
All the back numbers of FUN (New Series) are in print, and may be
obtained at the Ofice, or through any Bookseller.

OVER COATS, 21s. ro 63s.


Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: October 17, 1868.

OCTrosE 24, 1868.] IF' J N 65

A Legend of Stratford-le-Bow.
OH! listen to the tale of little ANNIE
She kept a small Post-office in the neigh-
bourhood of Bow.
She loved a skilled mechanic, who was
famous in his day-
A gentle executioner whose name was

I think I hear you say, "A dreadful subject
for your rhymes!"
Oh, reader, do not shrink-he didn't live in
modern times:
He lived so long ago (the sketch will show
it at a glance)
1w That all his actions glitter with the lime-
light of romance.
In busy times he laboured at his gentle craft all day-
" No doubt you mean his Cal-craft" you amusingly will say-
But no-he didn't operate with common bits of string,
He was a public headsman, which is quite another thing.
And when his work was over, they would ramble o'er the lea,
And sit beneath the frondage of an elderberry tree.
And ANNIE'S simple prattle entertained him on his walk,
For public executions formed the subject of her talk.
And sometimes he'd explain to her, which charmed her very much,
How famous operators vary very much in touch,
And then, perhaps, he'd show how he himself performed the trick,
And illustrate his meaning with a poppy and a stick.
Or, if it rained, the little maid would stop at home and look
At his favourable notices, all pasted in a book,
And then her cheek would flush-her swimming eyes would dance
with joy
In a glow of admiration at the prowess of her boy.
One summer eve, at supper time, the gentle GILBERT said
(As he helped his pretty ANNIE to a slice of collared head)
" This reminds me I must settle on the next ensuing day
The hash of that unmitigated villain PETER GRAY."
He saw his ANrra tremble and he saw his ANNIE start,
Her changing colour trumpeted the flutter at her heart,
Young Gilbert's manly bosom rose and sank with jealous fear,
And he said, Oh, gentle ANNIE, what's the meaning of this here ?"
And ANNIE answered, blushing in an interesting way,
" You think no doubt I'm sighing for that felon PETER GRAY,
That I was his young woman is unquestionably true,
But not since I began a-keeping company with you."
Then GILBERT, who was irritable, rose and loudly swore,
He'd know the reason why, if she refused to tell him more--
And she answered (all the woman in her flashing from her eyes)-
" You musn't ask no questions and you won't be told no lies !

"Few lovers have the privilege, enjoyed, my dear, by you,
Of chopping off a rival's head and quartering him, too !
Of vengeance, dear, to-morrow you will surely take your fill! "
And GILBERT ground his molars as he answered her, I will! "
Young GILBERT rose from table with a stern determined look,
And frowning took an inexpensive hatchet from its hook ;
And ANNIE watched his movements with an interested air-
For the morrow-for the morrow he was going to prepare!

He chipped it with a hammer and he chopped it with a bill,
He poured sulphuric acid on the edge of it, until
This terrible Avenger of the Majesty of Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw.

And ANNIE said, "Oh, GILBERT, dear, I do not und r tind
Why ever you are injuring that hatchet in your hand K"
He said, It is intended for to lacerate and flay
The neck of that unmitigated villain PETER GRAY !"
" Now, GILBERT," ANNIE answered, wicked headsman, just beware-
I won't have PETER tortured with that horrible affair-
If you appear with that, you may depend you'll rue the day,"
But GILBERT said, Oh, shall I F" which was just his nasty way.
He saw a look of anger from her eyes distinctly dart,
For ANNIE was a Woman, and had pity in her heart!
She wished him a good evening-he answered with a glare,
She only said, Remember, for your ANNIE will be there!"
The morrow GILBERT boldly on the scaffold took his stand,
With a vizor on his face and with a hatchet in his hand,
And all the people noticed that the Engine of the Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw.
The felon very coolly loosed his collar and his stock,
And placed his wicked head upon the handy little block.
The hatchet was uplifted for to settle PETER GRAY,
When GILBERT plainly heard a woman's voice exclaiming, "Stay! "
'Twas ANNIE, gentle ANNIE, as you'll easily believe.
"Oh, GILBERT, you must sparc him, for I bring him a reprieve,
It came from our Home Secretary, many weeks ago,
And passed through that post-office which I used to keep at Bow.

"I loved you, loved you madly, and you know it, GILBERT CLAY,
And as I'd quite surrendered all idea of PETER GRAY,
I quietly suppressed it, as you'll clearly understand,
For I thought it might be awkward if he came and claimed my hand.
"In anger at my secret (which I couldn't tell before)
To lacerate poor PETER GRAY vindictively you swore,
I told you if you used that blunted axe you'd rue the day,
And so you will, old fellow, for I'll marry PETER GRAY "
[And so she did.

Picked Troops.
A CONTEMPORARY draws attention to the fact that one of the militia
regiments recruited at the East end consists almost entirely of pick-
When out for training they pick each others' pockets mercilessly, they rob
their officers of watch and chain, and such-like valuables ; and when they receive
their pay the paymaster has to keep them at a distance while each man comes
forward separately to receive his money, or the regiment would seize the treasure
en bloc and rush off with it. Latterly the men who had been standing in the
front rank during several days' drill came forward and declared th it they would
no longer do so, as their comrades behind stole everything from them."
We suppose the regiment is kept-up because it would be admirably
adapted for pick-et duty. They would be awkward customers in the
field too, if they met a foe worthy of their steal.

BEAUTIFUL FOR Iiver.-A sojourn at Nice.



[OcToBen 24, 1868.

ELIZABETH'S frills! they were broad and were narrow,
My mind now their magical memory fills ;
The pattern ran on just as straight as an arrow,
Or twined in a scroll round a parrot or sparrow,
So funnily braided ELIZABETH'S frills.
The strangest thing was when you looked at the pattern,
So strongly suggestive of milliners' bills,
In the rest of her dress, though by no means a slattern,
They shone round her person as rings do round SATURN,
You saw nothing else but ELIZABETH'S frills !
And once when I lay in the terrible stillness
The medico ordered with potions and pills,
With ice on my head, a most horrible chillness,
Came one consolation to lighten my illness,
The sight of the charming ELIZABETH'S frills.
And though you may say they are not quite the fashion,
Their beauty all thought of discarding them kills;
They shine on my love and they heighten my passion,
I'd stake all my money, though that might be rash on
My lovely ELIZABETH'S sweet little frills.


0 DON'T know whether the following circum-
stance is to be regarded as an evidence of the
result of the increased fares on the Southern
lines, but I must say it looks rather like it.
One night last week a burglary was committed
at the Penge Station of the London and
Brighton Railway, but "fortunately the thieves
only got a few coppers." At any rate, the
occurrence is odd. By the way, the best
defence of the railway policy I have seen was in Engineering the be-
ginning of this month. But ingenious as it is, it fails in one essential
particular-it does not consider the question from the monopoly point
of view. The position of railways as monopolies protected by Govern-
ment removes them altogether from the ground on which the article
bases its arguments.
THE Times in the dead season does very strange things, but it has
recently done something which is neither more nor less than a revolu-
tion in journalism. It printed a long and anonymous letter criticising
-and that with severity-the theatrical notices of its own critic.
This is a dangerous precedent, and a course of action against which
the critic might fairly complain. The oddest part is that the letter
was full of blunders and inaccuracies-for instance, the writer found
fault with the rythm of certain lines which he quoted from memory,
the faults of which lines were due to his faulty recollection only! One
would much like to know who it is that was permitted to attack LouD
LY'rT :'s versification and Mu. OxENFORD'S impartiality and honesty
with i., little justice. It cannot surely be a member of the staff who
has on occasion filled MR. OxENroRn's place in his absence, and who
was chiefly noticeable for bad grammar and a profound veneration for
the adaptations of MH. ToM TAYLOR.
THE American ballads, entitled Hans Breitmamnn's Party, just re-
published by MESSi S. TWUBNEn, are clever, but they will be caviaree
to the general" much as a critical few may enjoy them. They are
written in the Germanised English (or rather American) spoken by
the German settlers, and the effect of some of the Yankeeisms in this
jargon is highly comical. Breitmann goes out as a commander of
cavalry against the South, meets another Dutchman, a rebel colonel,
fights with him and beats him. As he is about to kill him, he asks him
"Peliev'st dou in Moral Ideas ?" with a true German philosophy that
is very laughable. The ballad-a sort of Lorelei story-supposed to
be written by Breitmann, is extremely funny too.
IN Cassell's .Magazinre we have the conclusion of MR. Moy THOMAs's
"Fight For Life," which suffers somewhat from the requirements of
periodical publication, and is wound up in too short a space.
"Thoughts in the Twilight" do not improve, being the feeblest-
twaddle ever produced in the modern form of essay. "Election
Papers" is not very cleverly hashed-up, a rdsumd of old newspaper work,
and the general body of the magazine this. month, for the first time
since its establishment, cannot claim to be much better than padding."
I miss the names of several writers who have in previous numbers
contributed light and clever papers. The Two Brothers" is simply
absurd. The younger brother, after refusing to share his elder
brother's fortune, is so anxious to get it that he allows him to drown-
in fact, drowns him-in order to obtain it, and is yet described as
loving him intensely. This is a startling bit of psychology! I am

sorry to see the magazine drifting so to leeward, it has been so admir-
able hitherto. The ship would be much lightened if such useless
lumber as Twilight Thoughts," "Two Famous Tenors," "A Night
on the Ocean," and some other drearinesses, were flung overboard.
IN Temple Bar there is an article which ought to make a stir.
"Six Years in the Prisons of England," contains statements which point
to blots in the prison system which are in fact nothing less than
crimes. One reform suggested by this narrative is that when a convict
is ill, his friends should be allowed to send a medical man to him, if
they desire it. A few simple precautions would prevent the privilege
from being abused, and would be more than compensated for by the
removal of an indubitable scandal. I only hope the story is not a sham,
like the natural history papers that appeared in T. B. some months
back. The Model Priest" is well worth perusal, and The Broken
Mug" is amusing. "Practical Entomology I don't think up to the
mark, nor do I care for Spoken in Idleness."
IN the St. James's we have only one illustration this month, and it is
a decided improvement on those we had in September, though there
is still room for improvement in the engraving department. The two
novels move along with increasing interest, and should be quite enough
to insure the success of the magazine. "Bisset's Youth" is amusing,
but not sustained enough, and much of the rest of the number is mere
"padding." "Women's Novels" is shrewdly written, and "Snake-
eating" is amusing, while there are good points about "Dyspeptic
Saints." Stepsons of Toil," if continued as it begins, will be a valu-
able series. I don't think the appearance of the magazine is at all en-
hanced by the introduction, at the bottom of a page here and there, of
an anecdote or beon-mot set up in different type, or differently leaded
from the body of the periodical.
THE illustration in the Argosy is better this month. The contents of
the magazine are few. The best is Coming Home to Him "-one of the
" JOHNNY Luntow series, which is such a feature of the periodical.
THE Quiver would, I think, have been better without the coloured
frontispiece, which is flat and feeble. Some of the illustrations are an
improvement on those in previous numbers. The author of "Esther
West" misquotes Tennyson, on page 5, most lamentably. The author
of An Antique Vase or the Editor should have known that thou
stood is inadmissible. At the Top of a Long Chimney is a sensa-
tional story, not without merit, though I fancy the writer has no
grounds for stating that fear makes a man actually blind as he de-
scribes-" the eyes drawn together, squinting and bloodshot." The
illustration to this story is cleverly drawn.
THERE is an article in the Atlantic Monthly for October, entitled
"Inebriate Asylums," which throws a strange light upon some phases
of American society. It is simply startling "The Man and the
Brother" continues to amuse with quaint anecdotes of the darky,
written in no unfriendly spirit. "The Two Rabbis" seems to have
been inspired by LmGH HUNT's "Abou Ben Adhem." "Love's
Queen" is pretty; but the best thing in the number is "Pandora."
"Kings' Crowns and Fools' Caps" is a far-fetched title, but the
article is amusing. In the gossip at the end of the magazine the
cudgels are taken up for Mn. READE in the matter of Foul Play. The
line of defence-shall we call it P-is the old one, that Mm. READE has
a right to take other people's notions, if by force of his genius he
converts them into something better. But even granting this, one
cannot help thinking he might acknowledge his indebtedness. He
may make finely-tempered steel of somebody's old iron, but he should,
at all events, say that he took the iron.
Our Young Folks contains several articles that must be an infinite
amusement to little readers. The writers seem to give themselves up
resolutely to writing what children will enjoy, instead of giving them-
selves airs, and writing what grown-up critics think children ought to
enjoy. For instance, "The Peterkina at the Menagerie" sternly
criticized would be condemned, but I fancy it will be as popular as
anything else in the magazine with the small public. "Little Dilly"
is fanciful and pretty. Some of the pictures, which are plentiful, are
much better engraved than the majority of cuts in American periodicals
are as a rule.
"Rachel's Own."
THE custom of designating the different corps of Volunteers by the
names of some distinguished individuals is about to be extended. The
Inns of Court Rifles have long been popularly known as THE DaVIL'S
OWN ; the South-West Middlesex have recently received the honourable
appellation of "RACnHEL'S OWN," and are consequently entitled to bear
on their banners the motto of "Beautiful for Ever!" Moreover,
their distinguished colonel has pafaphrased a well-known proverb,
and his coat-of-arms will in future bear the legend, "You cannot
touch scent without being perfumed."

Advice to Musicians.
EVER be fit as a fiddle, never, tight as a drum. (This counsel is
perfectly gratuitous, there is no oboe-ligation whatever.)

OCTOBER 24, 1868.] F U N. 67


N days that are past, when rail-
ways were fast
And cheap, people used to
That the time was approaching
to end all the coaching,
And substitute railway for
SoBut with stoppage-vexations
and too many stations
With junctions to add to
With dangers excessive and
fares quite oppressive,
The railways now teach us
to say
That well travel the old-
fashioned way.
Since a good four-horse team
Is better than steam-s
For your nags of true mettle
Will beat, a tearettle--
So take your tea-kettle away!

By road' the view's cheery, by
.__ rail it is dreary-
Dull cutt ings-or chimneys
and roofs!
Nier-can whistle andi snort a comparison court
With the music' of horn and of hooet.
Oh, smashed aun. orases,,. and smoke,. dust,, and ashes
Are all, that your railways purvey;
But the coach gives fiesa air and an appetite rare,
And new sights by the road every d'ay-
So we'll travel the old fashionedlway.
Yes, a good four-horse, team
Is better than steam-
For your nags of true mettle
Will beat a tea-kettle-
So take your tea-kettle away !
Could the famous old "whips of the Times, the Eclipse,
Or Quicksilver-coaches of fame-
But see how coach-driving once more is reviving,
How pleased they would be at that same.
Time's whirligig brings round less probable things-
And all would rejoice and be gay
At the running of coaches on all the approaches
To town from the suburbs each day,
In the regular old-fashioned way.
Oh, a good four-horse team
Is better than steam-
For your nags of true mettle
Will beat a tea-kettle-
So take your tea-kettle away

SCENE.-A. handsome apartment in Belgravia. R. and MieRS. TIIROG-
MORTON discovered at breakfast, with two unmarried daughters and
an equally unmarried son. uffins.
THnRoo.-Forget this boyish attachment, Frank. A prominent
member of the Stock Exchange cannot permit his only son to contract
a mensalliance.
FRANK.-Vainly, sir, do you seek an excuse for domestic tyranny
amidst the subtleties of a foreign tongue. Fanny may be poor in a
wordly sense, but she loves me with all the opulence of a guileless
Mas. T.-Why do you still refuse, my son, to reveal the name and
profession of this girl's father P
FRANK.-I am forbidden to disclose either at present; but, though
personally unacquainted with him, I believe him to be a man of strict
TH.oe.-Headstrong boy, we will converse further anon. (Takes
hat and umbrella from sideboard, 1.) Duty calls me to Capel Court
Since the defalcation and flight of my dishonest partner, Lothbury,

twelve years ago, it is only by incessant application that I have been
able to support you all in moderate splendour.
THE MISSES T. (together.)-But mind you leave the city early, papa.
We are all going to the Blank Theatre to-night, remember. [Axit T.
ScENE.-Royal Box at the Blank Theatre. inter one by one the T.farmily,
escorted obsequiously by a Boxskeper.
BOXKEEPER. (handin playbills to Mr. T., who enters last.)-Lot
me see. Four and. one is five. Twelve-and-sixpence, if you please.
Tunoo.-But look here. As you are powerful, be generous. Be-
sides, in all great commercial operations a reduction is made on taking
a quantity.
Box.-Not a penny less. Another word and I take charge of your
THROG. (turning pale).-Take this coin; it is a sovereign. Don't
mention the change. I respect you already; do not give me cause to
fear you. Leave us, and, prosper.
Box. (bursting into tears).-Oh, sir, this generosity unmans me.
I have not heard one kind word since I lay in my cradle. Believe
me, I am unfitted for this roving and lawless life. But I have an
only daughter-an angel of innocence-and for her sake I would
brave any depth of infamy.
THROG.-Nay, never weep, man. I may be able to assist you, and
place you in a more honest path. Let me have your name and
address. To-morrow I will call on you at noon.
Box. (presenting a soiled onvelope).-Bless you! Take-this,.and with
it the eternal gratitude of poor Bill Playford, of Vinegar-yard.
FRANK (aside).-Heavens! 'tis Fanny's father! But I must con-
ceal my emotion. [Exit PLA.IoRi.
SCENE.-PLAYPORD's lodging in Yinegar-yard, poorly fiofniasld but
scrupulously clean. Mit. THaoRMOrTON, FRANK, aid'P AFa'eOD
seated at' a table, centre.
PLAY.-My' daughter will return ere long, to thank you in person
for your princely beneficence.. She has but made her exit (how the old
.calling asserts, itself!) to procure a little refreshment. Oh, Mr.
Throgmorton,. you.have made aman of me. Yes; as light porter in
a stockbroker"s;office, I can at least walk with erect head among the
THRoo.-And here is a cheque to relieve your present wants. I fear
the struggle has been a severe one, my poor friend.
PLAY.-Ah, sir, you may indeed call me poor; yet, if you know all
-(after an agitated pause) and you shall. Know then that I have in
my hands a sum of thirty thousand pounds, placed with me for
purposes of restitution, ten years ago.
THtOG.-Proceed, your story interests me strangely.
PLAY.-A wild Australian associate confided to me on his death-boed
a terrible secret. It was a ghastly tale of robbery committed on a
partner in London.
THROo.-And the name of this partner.
PLAY.-Alas! poor Lothbury died before he could reveal it.
THnoo.-Lothbury! Come to my arms, William. Look in the
Post Office Directory for 1856, and you'll find the firm of Throgmorton
and Lothbury, stockbrokers.
PLAY.-What happiness, my benefactor. I will fly to the Bank of
England and draw the money instantly. What a weight of tempta-
tion is removed from my heart. Had it not been for your providential
sovereign of last night I should probably have betrayed my trust this
morning to the amount of several shillings.
Enter FANNY, with a jug of beer.
THROG.-Highty-tighty, what's this ? Oh, I see how it is. Well,
well : if Mr. Playford consents.
PLAY.-Take her, young man (crying). Bless yo both : and if our
kind friends in front-pshaw! out upon the loathsome recollections of
that hideous career.
THRao.-I must be off to the City. Farewell, my children.
Playford, will you on with me ?

Sauce for the Goose-Sauce for the Gander.
"A BUTCHER has been fined 20 at Worcester, or three months'
imprisonment, for having in his possession the carcase of a cow unfit
for human food."-Sunday Times. And quite right too. Now, we
know a speculative builder who has in his possession more than one
carcasee" totally unfit for human habitation-what should be done
with him ?


68 F UJ N [OCTOBER 24, 1868.

I~~ ~ -'---lul


IN the course of a life you are likely to mix
Among folks of all possible kinds;
And, in talking, it's highly improper to fix
Upon any chance topic one finds.
You may long to exhibit your wisdom or fun,
You may try to be gay or profound :
But you'll often discover when once you've begun,
That you're treading on "delicate ground."
Now suppose that a friend has induced you to lend
A respectable sum long ago;
And the time for repayment has come to an end,
But repayment is dreadfully slow.
If you venture to hint at a trifling advance
Of a shilling or two in the pound,
You can hardly insist, when you see at a glance
That you're treading on delicate ground."
It you tumble in love and are burning to pop,"
You should never lose time in despair!
But at once on your knees you should gracefully drop,
And express what you have to declare.
If the nymph should have smiled on a happier swain
While on you she has constantly frowned,
You may give up the case, for it's perfectly plain
That you're treading on delicate ground."
It's a difficult thing to be always discreet,
Or talk in a frank sort of way,
When you think of the number of people you meet,
And the number of things that you say.
If you notice a sudden and absolute blank
In the whole of the faces around,
You have only yourself and your folly to thank
That you're treading on "delicate ground."

WHAT does the advertiser mean by the following, which appears in
a morning paper f-
WANTED, a HOME, immediately, on Sundays, with use of dressing-room, by a
respectable Young Lady, where there are no children. In the neighbourhood
of Holloway or Bayswater. Terms moderate, etc.
" A home immediately on Sundays" is certainly a mysterious re-
quirement, especially for a respectable young lady. The advertiser,
however, specifies that she is respectable where there are no children;
so perhaps we may infer that where there are children she is the
reverse. The home," too, must be in the neighbourhood of either
Holloway or Bayswater. She is as arbitrary in the opposites as the man
who wanted a situation either in Kentucky or Yokohama.
Here is another odd requirement, gathered from the same source:-
WANTED, a respectable Youne Woman as SERVANT and occasional COM-
PANION to a tradesman and wife. Thoroughly domesticated. It is an easy
place, etc.
This is mean. When the poor girl has done her work the tradesman
and his wife evidently want her to go and talk to them. This is as
bad as preachee and floggee too. Surely it ought to be considered
in her salary.
And here is an odder still:-
WANTED, in a Gentleman's family, in the country, an unmarried Man, of about
25 or 30, as INDOOR ODD MAN. He must understand house-carpentering.
He will have to rub polished floors and furniture, and must be willing to make
himself generally useful. A foreigner not objected to, if with a character in
England. No married man need apply, etc.
If the gentleman's family cannot get the odd man in, we should
advise them to try our old friend the odd man out, as it will be a toss
up whether they get a person with such varied acquirements to come
of his own accord. He is to be so odd, too, that he mustn't be married.
Let us hope, however, that he will be even with the family if they try
to impose on him too much.

WHERE TO MEET WITH A SURPRISE.-In Heigh-o! 'born. (Don't
imagine that the Holborn Viaduct is completed, not just yet.)

F UIJ N .-OCTOBER 24, 1868.



OrTaBm 24,, 1868.1 FUN. 71

MRS. BROWN AND THE MILITIA. 'em ? as the sight of their baganets would soon settle them roughs, as
MRS. BROWN AND THE MILITIA. is a cowardly lot, and," I says, "do you moan to say as they won't
(Cobncluded.) pay me for my property as I've lost ? He says, Not a farthin'."
"Then," I says, "give me France, as is a place as you're safe in
JE T as I came out of that street, as is the same where the watch- any'ow, for I'm sure I've been in crowds over there and never molested
maker lived, into the Strand again, I heardd milingtary music, as I'm not to speak on, and as to being' robbed in open day it's downright
that fond on as I thought as I'd stop for to listen, and gets up on to a impossible."
door-step agin' the corner of a street to 'ave a good look at the sojers. Law bless you," says BRowN, "it's lucky as you got off as well as
I never did see such a crowd of ragamuffins as come walking along you did, and next time as you meets the millisher give 'em a wide
with 'em, as pushed agin' me that rude as were not in their way thro' berth; as I means to, for I'm sure the things as I read about in
bein' on the door-step, not as I could keep there, for there came a our paper as were done by them roughs that worry same day shows
rush of them low-lived characters as regular swep' me from that door- as the milisher did ought to be put down as a regular nuisance.
step, and goodness knows where I should 'ave gone if I 'adn't clung So I said as much to Mas. Bnunl's as lost 'er temper, and quite
to a lamp-post for 'elp. forgot herselff over a cup of tea as we was havin' together, for if she
A elderly party as were standing' near says to me, "You'd better didn't say, If all the nuisances was to be put down we should get rid
step in a shop till they're passed." I says, "Why P" Because," of a good many fat old women," and give me a glary look.
says he, "they're a rough lot as is along with them." So I says, Mum, if you're illudin' to me as a nuisance I'm sorry
I says, "There can't be no danger with them sojers close at 'and, as as I should 'ave put it in your power to do it, by a-comin' to seeoo you;
wouldn't never allow a 'armless woman to be insulted, or wouldn't and I'm sure if you're proud of the millisher, as that ugly knocked-
deserve the name of Britons, as is their boast, if they'd stand by and kneed cub of your belongs to, you're welcome to it."
see it done." She says, My son's a gentleman, and as to 'is looks it's well known
"Well," he says, "I shan't risk it," and makes .a rush for a shop; as he's a ornament to 'is corpse."
but law bless you, them fellers was round 'im in an instant like a "Well," I says, "I don't know anything about 'is corpse as time
swarm of bees, and in a jiffy they'd bonneted 'im and took 'is watch will show, but I wishes you good-evenin' ; and 'eme I goes, and if
and turned out 'is pockets, and there he was all a-bleedin' and 'elpless it didn't come 'ome to 'er, for that son of 'ern were taken up for boin'
under my werry nose. So I oilerss, "'Elp! Perlice!" and if them in a plate robbery not many days arter, as they took the spoons and
roughs didn't turn on me like tigers, forks off the table as the servant were a-layin the cloth with the
Well, I give a bolt right among them sojers, and goes up to one on winder open for the early dinner, near 'Averstock 'ill, and got six
a 'orse a-sayin', Save me," but law, all he did was to look at me, and months, the' 'is mother would declare as it was all the spite of the
if some of the others didn't shove me back quite wiolent among them perlice ; not as I've see 'er since, 'cos she might think as I come to
roughs, a-sayin', "Stand out of the way, can't you?" I says, "'Elp crow over 'er as ain't my nature, for we never knows when trouble
me." Stand back," says a feller giving on me a drive, and back I may come to our own doors.
staggers, and them fellers ketched hold on me, and drags me down a And I'm sure there aint no end to a mother's weakness over a son
side street a-shoutin' and a-'ollerin', a-tearin' and a-pullin' at me all theo' knocked-kneed, for Mas. PHILPB as lives just round the corner,
the while. she's proud of 'er boy, as is double-jinted and troubled with fits and
I was that confused, as I didn't know whether I was on my 'ead wants to be a sailor for all that, as in course they won't take 'im, as'd
or my 'eels as the sayin' is, for they sent me a-spinnin' down that make a nice mess aboard a weasel with his awkward ways, and p'raps
street, as were down 'ill, and I come agin iron railin's with a crash. cause the death of thousands thro' a-turnin' that wheel as guides the
I didn't know nothing' more till I found as I was a-settin' helplesss on ship the wrong way, as he'd be sure to do thro' bein' left-'anded, as is
the kerb-stone without a bit of bonnet or shawl on, with my redicule sometimes useful tho', as was proved by Mos. COLLINsON the tailoress,
and parcel gone, and my pockets turned inside out. as fell down in the 'ard frost and broke 'er right 'arm but being' loft-
A party as proved to be a pot-boy, he come and helpedd me on to my 'anded, could work all the same with 'or left, and thread 'or needle
feet, as felt for me thro' havingg a mother 'iself, as he said were about with 'er teeth as easy as kiss my 'and, as the sayin' is.
my age and size; but, law, I was that shook as I didn't know 'ardly But as to them milisher, I've heardd say as out of a whole lot on 'em
where I was, and jest then some one brought me back my bonnet all as was drawed up for the perlice to idemnify one as were suspected of
tore to ribbins, as them wagabones 'ad throwed away; but the blow as robbery, there was only three as wasn't well known to them officers,
one of 'em 'ad fetched me in the chest pretty nigh settled me. as shows pretty plain where they get their milisher from.
So I says to the perliceman as come up, I says, "Is Newgate broke I never 'card if they killed that old gentleman as I see that gory
loose, or is it the Fenians as 'as landed ?" He says, "It's the milisher." bigger in the Strand, but all as I've got to say is that you might be
Ah," I says, I thought as much, as is nearly as bad, for they're murdered over and over again, and them milisher they'd stand by and
a regular lot of rebels. But," I says, "they've been my death." glory in it, for I'm sure the way as I screamed for 'elp myself, and
The perlice took me into a doctor's shop as give me a-somethink as only got derishuns for my pains from them fellers as they was
seemed for to revive me, and was that kind, for I 'adn't nothing for to a-marchin' by is a disgrace to any man let alone a sojer, as would cut
pay with thro' my pockets bein' clean gone, and if that doctor didn't a nice bigger in a field of battle, as can't walk straight 'ardly over
lend me a shillin' to get 'ome with. 'Ampstead 'Eath, with 'ardly a rag to their backs, and looking that
The perliceman made me that wild a-sayin' as it was lucky as I famishin' as the' they'd been fed with a squirt thro' a stone wall, as
wasn't a old gentleman. I says, A old gentleman ? What do you the sayin' is.
mean by that ? Why," he says, he's a-layin' senseless now in Then to think on them being' quartered on you as they was on Mus.
Exeter 'All, as they've pretty nigh killed a-jumpin' on 'im." CHARTERIS as kep' the 'Arf Moon at Dalston, and did ought to have
I says, "Then whatever's the use of you if parties is to be massacreed been 'ung as well as quartered, for they took 'or cash-box out of the
in the open day ?" Oh," he says, "what are we to do agin sich buro in the back parlour as 'ad over eighteen pounds in gold let alone
swarms of thieves as there is about ?" loose silver, and 'er espectin' the brewer to call every 'oar, and had to
Ah," I says, and no wonder, when them as is condemned to make the money poor thing, as took nearly everything she 'ad in the
prison for years is let out agin afore a twelvemonth is over one's 'ead, world, and 'er sable muff and tippet as 'ad belonged to 'or mother, and
and many of the werry wust gets off scot free, as the sayin' is, if the the moth got into, as them pawnbrokers ain't answerable for, and in
magistrate happenss to be in good temper when they're brought course their strong rooms ain't no protection agin, as will penetrate
afore 'im." where fire cannot, the' it's my opinion as they don't in a general way
I says to the doctor, I'm truly thankful to you, and won't take up get into anything but what's pretty well done for with ago, and in
no more of your room no longer, as feels quite equal to getting' 'ome, course even sable won't last for ever, as ain't to be expected when you
and will send the shillin' to-morrer; as says, Never mind." see 'ow time will wear away even iron, for I'm sure my kitchen poker's
I wasn't able for to make much of my bonnet, but just enough worn to a toothpick as I won't never allow to be left in the fire as is
for to wear it, and no great 'arm done me beyond a black eye, as 'ighly dangerous, but I'm sure would be a proper safeguard with them
though swelled up tremendous and will be a dreadful eyesore, didn't milisher about, for what with them and their friends there ain't no
'urt much. walking' thro' the streets in peace and quietness.
So they helpedd me to a 'bus and I gets 'ome, and I was a-tellin' I never shall get over losin' my watch, tho' BnowN is that brutal as
BRowN all about it, as was at 'ome afore me, and I says, Whatever to say, Good riddance" thro' its always a-costin' money for to make
is the use of them milisher ?" Oh," he says, to protect us when it go, but it's always property as of course is valuable in case of a
the regular army is gone to war." rainy day, as may overtake the best of us afore we dies, and is as well
I says, "Nice protection, for," I says, they was a-walkin' by as to 'ave something to fall back upon, as many a one's been glad to 'ave
cool as lettuces while I was a-bein' ill-used, and wouldn't interfere." a little property laid by if only kep' in a old stockin', the same as
He says, "They durstn't." MRS. WARDELL's mother-in-law, as 'ad over twenty pounds in odd
I says, Why not ?" "'Cos," he says, "it's none of their business." silver as they found in the dresser drawer in a old flour-bag, as never
What," I says, "do you mean to tell me as they're to walk past 'ad P penny piece at 'and, she said, but was all found the day arter 'or
and see parties murdered, and not lift up their little fingers to 'elp funeral, as shows us truth will out, as the saying' is.


[OCTOBER 24, 1868.

[The call-boy has just called that distinguish 1 amateur MUDDLE, who is doing
IAGO for the first time.]

THEY govern the nation,
And each proclamation
Shows plainly they work at it truly;
Where anarchy reigned,
The people have gained
Good order mid factions unruly.
1.-Ho SWIGMEA, fill a bumper, let the rich wine flow
In the great skull-tankards gleaming, with their
silver rims so bright,
And we call a toast to ODIN and KING HAKO o'er
the sea,
For his servants sworn in battle, and his noble men
are we.
2.-This means it's all over, or high, recollect,
It may also stand separate, too, for a sect.
3 -If down in the country you'll know this, of course, is
So useful, sometimes, in the singeing of horses;
And here in the town, with a change of condition,
On gloves it performs a more delicate mission.
4.-Upon the moorland walked we forth one day,
And to a mound our footsteps chanced to stray:
There were some others near, and hid within,
We found what some folks count scarce "worth
a pin ";
Yet dear to us beyond all worldly store
Of pelf, or hidden seams of golden ore.
5.-I walked amid the woodland ways,
It fell, looked rather big;
And in the course of sundry days,
Was eaten by a pig.
SOLUTION or ACROSTIC No. 83.-Spanish, Risings:
Super, Pompeii, Acanthus, Ngami, Indignation, Swag,
Notnab; C. L. P.; Ruby's Ghost; H. J. S.; Wallis Bros';
J. O. P.; Alfred and Alyth; Pipekop; Helen T.; Slodger and
Tiney; Alum Bey; Clonglooketty; Owdashus Cuss; Herod;

Drinking BASS'S bottled bitter.

PHILIP DE POMEKYN was, etc. etc.-vide description of hero in
novels passim.
But his father before defuncting was imprudent enough to marry
again. PHILIP said it was an unwise step-and it was an unwise
PHILIP'S father having been very much married twice in his life,
and having thus never had his own way, was determined to have his
own will for once. And he had, and by it he left all his property to
his second wife for her life. He left nothing to his first wife, but as
she had been dead some years that was of no great consequence.
PHILIP thought his father ought to have left him something.
Perhaps his father thought so too-it would seem so, for he did in
fact leave him something. He left him-out of his will. PHILIP
determined to travel.
PHILIP was abroad. He corresponded with a friend at home regu-
larly, whenever he felt inclined to write, which was not often.
His friend was a dentist of humble extraction. At all events, those
who had placed their mouths in his hands-or allowed him to place
his hands in their mouths-said his extraction was nothing to be
proud of. In short, though he drew, he was not a success. Moreover,
as art and literature do not always go together, although he drew he
could not write. At any rate, he could not spell.
PHILIP'S friend wrote to PHILIP.
PHILIP," said he, "the old cat, your step-mother, is dying."
PHILIP dropt a tributary tear and a ten pound note at the gaming.
table of Wiesbaden, where he was staying.

In his next letter PHILIP'S friend said, FILL, my boy, the old cat
has died."
PHILIP put on mourning, and went home at once.
Of course he was the rightful heir, and he behaved as such.
Imagine his consternation on reaching London to learn that his
step-mother was alive. He called to see her. Once her hair had
been black, now it was yellow- a dull, dead, lustreless yellow.
She had dyed indeed, but it was a case not of yew but of hue.
There was the hue, but the cry was not needed.
Such is the terrible story of "The Rightful Heir and the Frightful
Hair; and I declare, with a little care I should not despair of being
able to prepare a three volume affair that would make folks stare, and
critics swear, that they cannot bear the wear and tear of such books
as that there.

WHAT is the difference between the outer wall of a bridge and two
nice young ladies ?
The one is a parapet and the other is a pair-o'-pets--of course.

And Worse.
SUPPOSING you were acquainted with the composer of Orphe aux
Enfers and a certain eminent chemical lecturer, which would you be
likely to see most frequently, and why ?
The latter, to be sure, for though the musician would be OFFENBACH
the chemist would undoubtedly be BACHOFFPPNER.

Shamming Abraham Newland.
How the asperities prevail in life! Even those coveted articles-
Bank of England notes-have three rough edges to one smooth.


OcTOBER 24, 1868.]


I've determined to make a confession,
Though the humiliation is great;
And I feel it will cause an impression
I extremely regret to create.
Alas, I must make the disclosure!
Though dying to give me a kick, you'll ar-
Rive, with extinguished composure, t.? -- '
At the fact that 'tis-nothing particular!
You will quite be amazed at my notions-
Whether given in prose or in verse-
On the strength of a lover's devotions
As they're measured by weighing the
On the causes existing around you
Which keep upright things perpen-
My theories well may astound you-
They really are-nothing particular!
I must make one remark in conclusion,
As 'tis due to the power of rhyme,
Which can rear up a splendid illusion
That will last to the uttermost time.
Our songs on the breezes of ages
Will be floating-and if you are quick
you'll ar-
Rest, and transfer to your pages
Thoughts like these, that are-nothing

Like his Impudence.
EBWATER has been twice "through the
court," on each occasion paying his credi-
tors five shillings in the pound. This
he terms settling his accounts "quarterly."

Asthmatic but Musical Patient :-" Oa, DocToR !-(wheeze)-I'M so GLAD YOl'Vl
LITTLE LAT ; COULDN'T YOU RESTORE THE HARMONY ? "-(iorde wheezing andgil frnting.)

DURING MR. ARTHUR SKETCHLEY'S recent tour in the "Great
Country," the natives, accustomed to the interminable lengths of
canvass which their own "entertainers" unroll wherever they wish
to astonish or enlighten the "great people," were somewhat disap-
pointed that the Adventures of Mas. BROWN were unaccompanied
by pictorial illustrations. The following conversation is reported to
have taken place between the Yankees :-
Here you, siree, I calculate you can't guess why MR. ARTHUR
SKETCHLEY is like an orphan ?"
"Wal, I guess, old hoss, your calculations are correct, and I
opinionate I cannot."
Look you, siree, MR. ARTHUR SKETOHLEY isj like an orphan
because he has no pa-nor-a-ma! Let's liquco."
And the misguided man was speedily lost sight of in the depths of
sundry gin slings and brandy cocktails.

FUN, old fellow, look here! If the ancient Pistol was the son of a
gun, what relation is a horse-pistol to a modern COLT ?
You give it up! So have I for the last fortnight. What a nuisance
it is that one can always make capital riddles-all except finding
answers to them.
I've tried it both ways. The other day I made a splendid answer,
but I'll be hanged if I can think of a question. Here it is:-" Because
a Sarah-band is a Sal-tatory exercise."
It strikes me that the best way to get over the difficulty will be to
pass a sort of Act of Paliament in the Reformed House like the
Deceased Wife's Sister Bill to legalise the wedding of questions and
answers of this description. Yours, CRACKY.
P.S.-Now what nonsense that is in the last sentence. How can a
deceased wife's sister be BILL ? There ought] to be a riddle there

Rushin' at it I
THE latest news from Russia states that it [is"expected that May
next will see the opening of the railway between Moscow and Odessa
-Oh, dessay it will!

LooM-meG IN THE DISTANCE.-The Thread of Destiny.

u1wn" to doiespio-bcM5.

[We cannot return unaccepted JESS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
A SINNER OF LOMBARD STREET.-Well! if that foolish young man
IGNATIUS only knew what donkeys a lot of "Lombard Strect Sinners"
have made of themselves by attempting to write satires on theo subject, he
would feel that he was more than paid for the caddish conduct he
met with.
G. K. (Plymouth).-You write a neat fist-bo contented with that sort
of writing.
BoN-noN.-We do not care for any mild imitations of things that have
appeared in our columns.
T. W. B. (Edgbaston).-We do not return MSS. unless the senders choose
to comply with our rules.
R. D. S. (Harrowgate).-You harrogate too much in thinking we could
print any of the "jokes" you send.
MEDICALIS (St. George's Hospital).-Chelsea or Greenwich would be
more your style of hospital, to judge from the veterans you send us.
GOTSUCHACOLD.-Have you F In your head, of course, from the
thorough draught!
GonE.-Good gore-acions! No; we mean bad, GoRE-aoious.
T. P. H. (Crewkerne).-To notice the lines you send us would be like
sending coals to Newcastle-it would be giving a puff to a pastrycook.
PILL GARLICK.-Your prescription-we mean contribution-did not do
for us," but it made us feel ill.
ESPERANZA.-We haven't the heart to joke about the poor dogs whose
case is so bad ; and will be, until a new Parliament turns off the Maine.
E. NuIr.-You're as good as a feast-but not of reason. If you knew
anything about what you call "literary names" you would be aware that
the writer you mention never used that name.
Declined with thanks:-Frome; A. E. B. (Fenchurch-streot) ; Popjoy;
T. W. C.; Tyholland; M. F. (Peterborough); C. A. H. ; E. W. (Isling-
ton); J. K. ; C. J. (Warrington); A Reader; 1t. N. Lisburn; R. S. ;
E. J. D. (Shrewsbury); F. G. W. (Oxford); IH. T. (Southport); W. C:
(Spalding); J. A. C. (Street); Tourist; H. M. Honslow; rim (Sandy-
mount); Levity; Z.; J. R. T. (Liverpool); F. C. (Manchester) ; C. H. M.
(Newmarket); B. D.; H. Y. ; Scudamore; C. F. P. (Regent-square);
B. (Summerstown); H. 11.; S. E. (Pembroke); Dokus (Liverpool)
Noodle-oodle-loo ; The Miller; G. J.; R. S. T. (Wickham) ; Vanguard
Weasel; A Traveller; M. T. (Crewk.rnc); V. of Vitechapel: Buliler;
Queerim; Evergreen; Locussed; A Railway Cheel; The O'Stuffaway;
B. R. (Brighton); A Regular leader; The Bashaw; Pork Sausage;

74 F N [OCTOBER 24, 1868.


LOOKS INTO BOOKS. The Great Country will surprise those who, like ourselves, have
LOOK l 1T BO ~always seen America surrounded by an enchantment which would
THE publication of The Great Country (TINr sxr BROTHEES), by Mn. seem to be due to distance.
GEOoRGE ROSE, best known to the world as Mrs. Brown's ARTHUR It must not be supposed that the work is a mere record of the discom-
SKETCHLEY, will not please our Transatlantic cousins much. Ma. ROSE forts of travel in a foreign land. It is written with a very distinct
has studiously avoided mention of the private life of the Americans, for purpose, to counteract the influence and expose the errors of those who
no gentleman would be guilty of such a breach of the courtesies of desire to Americanise our institutions.
society and the laws of hospitality. But he gives a sketch of the life
at hotels, on railways and in public generally, and the picture is not a Not Half Fly to It.
tempting one. He does not abuse the Americans, or their manners STUBBLETON, displaying his ignorance, as usual, cannot think why
and customs, but he gives a plain record of them-and we are bound MERCURY was appointed messenger to the gods. He must have been
to admit that that is quite enough. a cripple you s if he was "winged."
Of course such a book will hardly escape severe handling by those a cripple, you see, if he was winged____."
who are in love with American institutions. But the impartial reader o on '
will, we feel sure, acknowledge that nothing which Ma. RosE says is
half as severe as the admissions contained in the appendix, which WHAT is that with which Ma. Coox, the Excursionist, cannot
consists entirely of extracts from American journals and periodicals, dispense ? A pair of hose.
The last extract, a paper on Inebriate Asylums, is a complete com-
mentary on the state of society in America, with its naive mention of NOTICE.,-On Monday, November the 2nd, price Twopence,
the most startling social phenomena as if they were common as FUN ALMANAC
blackberries. If anything in the volume startles the reader, or seems
to be due to an Englishman's want of appreciation of the country, we Siteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by
should recommend him to turn and read this extract again, remember- the DAl zlEL BROTHERS.
ing that it is from the Atlantic Monthly, the best and highest of All the back numbers of FIUN (New Series) are in print, and may be
American periodicals, obtained at the Office, or through any Bookseller.

OVER COATS, 21s. TO 63s.

Printed by JUBD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 8S, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: October 24, 1868.

OCTOBER 31, 1868.]




WE'RE what you may call a mixed lot in the City. Some of us
don't see the end of our day's work till after late post time, and there
are foreign post nights, and balancing of books at the end of the
quarter and what not, while others go in from ten to four and have
their three weeks' holiday in the Autumn, and come to business with a
flower in their button-hole, and leave every day by their express train
or their special 'bus, or even run to a hansom. Not but what a good
many go in for all these without being what I should call "lucky
dogs," and keep their morning flower in a tumbler to go home with,
and do with a make-believe dinner that they call lunch, and gene-
rally keep up appearances in a way that shows a deal of pluck, but
requires much management. They're mostly single men or young
married men without a family, and if they're "in the Customs,"
which a good many of them are, they're not on the whole an overfed lot.
Not but what there are places where lunch may be made to look a good
deal like dinner, and some of the fellows that are regular swells at four
o'clock don't go further than eightpence for their one o'clock snack.
The wonder is that, whether they go East or West, they can turn
out at four o'clock with the air of four hundred a year in every crease
of their forty shilling suits; and that only a few of them should give
their minds to keeping tradesmen's books in their over time. I'm not
quite sure whether some of the West Enders don't speculate a little on
billiards; there's a sort of a marker-like way of hitching their hands
into their waistbands and putting their hats on one side with a good
many of 'em that has a world of meaning in it; and they have an un-
wholesome hunger for curly meerschaum pipes that doesn't look alto-
gether square. Some of 'em-the real lucky dogs who have got on to
two hundred-belong to a club, where there's a reading-room and a
cup of coffee, or a go of something warm for fourpence; and "ladies'
nights" once a quarter, and a library that's going rapidly into all
third volumes; and others who are only just on the rise, deal at shops
where they can get orders for theatres when there's plenty of paper

wanted to fill the dress circles. I'm speaking now of my own sort-
the underpaid-and not of the managing clerks of Mincing-lano
brokers who do a little on their own account, and wear patent leather
and heavy watch-guards, and run home to Brompton by cab on wet
nights, look in at SImrsoN's Divan, and keep dry sherry in their collars,
and have a thing or two for the races, and know the writers for two
or three daily papers, and have been behind the scenes-or say they
have, which is all the same-and buy boxes of cigars, and go to Green-
wich or Blackwall on Sundays, and spend time in "the Shades," and
talk to the driver whenever they ride on the front seat of an omnibus
with a leopard skin rug over their knees, and know the ins and outs
of all the commercial slang, and snub their employers whom they refer
to as "our old gov," and carry double opera glasses in a sling when
they go to the stalls, and wear a frill to their shirts, with only a bit
of muslin for a necktie. These don't belong to our lot, and mostly go
Westward till they marry and begin to have a family, and then,
strange to say, they often go due east, either to Leyton or Waltham-
stow, or Woodford, or Buckhurst Hill, where they take to a sham
country life, and drive to the station in dog-carts, and fatten poultry
and get into ship-building society.
These are quite another set-my set, that go East too, and though
some of 'em get away at four or half past they're not what I should
call lucky dogs. They're rather a paper collar lot, and settle down
towards the Hackney Marshes, and Dalston, and Bow, and Stepney,
where the houses are mostly a good deal too small for the families
and the rent a good deal too large for the houses. It's these that look
forward to the quarter's bills, and are always trembling on the verge
of the County Court, and have to pay the doctor in instalments, and
wonder when their children will be admitted to some of the public
schools intended for them-and go home at holiday times to long
whist and cribbage, with a bit of pig's fry or a beefsteak pudding and
a glass of warm gin and water, and look with tears in their eyes at
their wives as they sit mending-up a turned dress to make a show on
Sunday. I don't know that they're unhappy, but there's something
pathetic in their lives, I do assure you, though they mayn't know it
themselves; and East or West don't much matter if you take them as
they really are and make allowances.



76 FUN.

[OCTOBER 31, i.'..

(WE are not as a rule given to puffery, but the following testimo-
nials, which have reached us during the past week, appear so conclu-
sive that we cannot find it in our hearts to consign them to the waste-
paper basket).
Sin,-The day before yesterday I had eleven of my false teeth
extracted at one sitting. The operation was unattended by even the
slightest pain; this fact I attribute entirely to my having previously
read an advertisement of the Pain Killer in one of the daily papers.
By making this public you will confer a boon on society and a
favour on Your Obedient Servant,
No. 2.-To THE EDITon Or "FUx."
SIn,-My uncle Rooer, who had but recently returned from Cal-
cutta with a large fortune, died suddenly last week. For three days
I remained buried in the depths of anguish; but upon taking a copious
dose of the Pain Killer, and learning that the dear old boy had left me
a thousand a year, I instantly became so much better that my reason
is no longer despaired of. Yours obediently,
SIa,-The results of a tight boot frequently take the shape of corns
and bunions. I assure you on my honour that either of these fearful
visitations may be rapidly cured by the Pain Killer. Let the sufferer
carefully pour half a pint of it upon the top of his head and rub it
fiercely in with a Baden towel. This remedy acts on the principle of
counter-irritation. The boots should be taken off beforehand.
Yours truly, A CoRNIsH MAN.
SIR,-Allow me to inform the public through your columns that
the Pain Killer is an excellent substitute for butter at breakfast. It
ignites only on the box, and will remove superfluous hair. Black-
beetles and rats die after it. The free-list is entirely suspended, and
none are genuine unless stamped on the blade.
Your obedient Servant, MUDDLE.

the name of my
Naughty young
man is this HAR-
S- Never his passion is
tamed unto zero,
No one his tongue
/f Scan persuade to
s r'J be mute.
Z), \ All his spare money is
K spent in defend-

^ *ii, 1Actions which
S\' maidens unfor-
tunate bring,
Hearts are too easily
broken the
1 mending
Is, as we know,
quite a different

Oh! such a delicate
fancy has HAn-
This is the playful
for HARDI-
Never was known such an amorous card, he
Plays his cards better than playing the flute.
Just as the fishes jumped up at Arion,
When he played tunes on the back of a fish,
Maidens our HARDICANUTE have their eye on.;-
HARDICANUTE answers playfully, "Pish !"
Strangest of whims in this world, I assure you,
Runs in the noddle of HARDICANUTE,
"Virtuous maidens I cannot endure you,"
Frequently boasts this unmannerly brute.

" If you are famous, oh, woo you I'm game to,
Newspaper fame is the thing that'll suit,
Pilferous, poisonous, pests, are the same to
Yours very faithfully, HARDicANUTr."
When Mns. MANNING was at the Old Bailey,
HARDY was instantly struck with her charms,
"Black satin lady," he wrote to her daily,
"HARDY is longing to rush to your arms!"
Wicked old WINson he thought was ill-treated,
Talked of her quite in a chivalric way.
Longed near to MADELINE SMITH to be seated,
Asked Mns. BORRODAILE out to the play.
RACHEL he spoke of in language ecstatic,
Threatened to tweak the Commissioner's nose,
Placed himself daily in posture dramatic,
Close to his darling at MADAME TUSSAUD'S.
Basest of men and of lovers unfeeling,
HARDICANUTE you are at it again,
See him in lover-like attitude kneeling,

You Dolt-'un!
THE pottering M.P. for Lambeth-of course, we mean MR. DOULTON,
has issued an address to announce that he withdraws himself only
temporally" from his political association with that borough. We do
not know whether he is under the impression that Lambeth is his
" spiritual" wife, or makes use of temporally instead of tempo-
rarily in a fit of temporary insanity or chronic idiocy.

The New Meat Market at Smithfield.
A sAD misnomer, by the way, seeing that the "new meat" is many
thousands of miles distant, and how to bring it home has yet to be
discovered-we will rather say, "The new Smithfield Market "-has
swallowed up in its construction an almost incredible number of
girders-but how many "girders" are there among the public, we
wonder, at its gingerbread style of architecture ?

Odds Bodda-kins.
WE read as follows in the first column"-
BO)DA-PYNE-12th, at Trinity Church, Marylebone, by the Rev. W. Cadman,
Frank H. Bodda, of No. 2, Nottingham-terrace, York-gate, Regent's-park, to
Louisa, youngest daughter of George Pyne, Esq., of No. 28, Devonshire-street,
Portland-place. No cards.
We rejoice, and so will our readers, at the happiness of our own
Nightingale, whose future song will surely be the well-known one of
"Gin a Bodda meet a Bodda."

A WRITER in the Cosmopolitan relates that a poor woman falling into
straitened circumstances, was arrested and put in prison for a debt of a
few shillings by a baker to whom she had once been a good customer.
A newspaper commenting on the hardship of the case, observed that
the baker ought to be baked in his own oven," whereupon it was pro-
ceeded against for libel, and was cast in 500 damages. Really we
think there is nothing extraordinary in that. The newspaper should
not have suggested a course which was calculated to make the baker

Black-burnt Pot calling Ja-pan dirty !
THE missions in Japan and China are having rather an unpleasant
time of it. In the former, decrees have been issued laying the Christian
religion under formal interdict. The placards describe Christians as
" the devilish sect." One might almost fancy that the Japanese had
got hold of some of the posters of the Conservative party at Blackburn.

Adding him up.
recently to signing his letters-" GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, Civis
Americanus Sum." Well! taking him at his own quotation we don't
think the sum" amounts to much.

Shade of George Robins I
WHAT next and next ? The latest on dit is to the effect that an
eminent electrician has compelled that most useful and hard-worked
servant, the electric fluid, to do his bidding "-at an auction-room.

OcToBm 31, 1868.] FUNTJ 77

A \ (Pa SERIES of very interesting letters is appear-
S- ing in the .Daily News, debating the question
t[ {.... i'- I of the purchase of the railways by the State.
"- That eventually the State must purchase the
., railways is a fact that is obvious enough.
Ji. \ The present system of railway management
W1 _.7__I I satisfies neither the shareholders nor the
public; and the purchase of the telegraphs
affords a good precedent for such a course.
But there is one most important point that should not be overlooked
when the time comes. Government has paid fancy prices for the
telegraphs. It must not do so for the railways. The railways them-
selves have shown the way to the proper course. When they buy a
man's land for their lines, they do not give him a fancy price, no
matter what he has paid for it. He may, for private reasons, have
given double its worth, but he will get no more from the railways than
the fair value awarded by a jury. Now, when we come to purchase
the railways we must adopt this mode of procedure. We must not give
them the fancypricestheyhave paid. They may have given twice the
value of the line for private reasons, but we must have them assessed at
their actual value. And the sooner the better !
THE National Life Boat Institution have published the annual wreck
chart in the current number of their journal. The chart for 1867,
shows an increase in the number of wrecks-shows, in fact, the largest
number of wrecks, ever yet recorded in one year. It is true that we
had at the beginning of December, a storm almost 'as severe as that in
which the Royal Charter was lost. But this will not account entirely
for the increase. It is noteworthy that of British ships employed on
Foreign and home trade 562 were lost, while of those employed in our
coasting trade, there were no less than 1,551 wrecked. A lee shore and
a confined sea are not the sole explanation of this excessive loss. Ships
sold to be broken up as unseaworthy are sent by unprincipled specu-
lators for a few last trips. No less than 411 vessels have foundered or
been lost during the last nine years, from simple -minseaworthiness. A
large percentage of wrecks, in fact, is not caused by the strife of the
elements, but by the wickedness of man. Wretched rotten tubs melt,
like brown-paper boats, in calm seas It is a disgrace to a maritime
nation like ours that this should be permitted. But until the legisla-
ture takes steps to prevent the sailing of such craft, it behoves
us all to do our little best towards removing the worst feature of
the case-the loss of human life. That is to be done by sending
our mites to the Secretary of the Institution at 14, John-street, Adelphi.
Tinsley's is not so good as usual this month. Of the verse "Satis
Beatus "-a free adaptation of the 18th Ode of the 2nd book of Horace's
Odes-is neatly done, and per mare-per terrain (how classical we
are at Catherine-street!) is pretty, only not as musical as Ma. MoBn-
TImER COLLINS'S verse, on which it is clearly modelled. The House-
holder's Parliament Year is a very irregular, and somewhat weak
rigmarole. The writer of Criticisms on Contemporaries is a little
too savage this month, though I cordially agree with much that he
says about "poetasters and versemongers." "The Noble Art is a
rather startling revelation of the extent to which the athletic move-
ment has carried some of its votaries. I have always thought there
was a danger in it of our young men becoming muscularly magnificent
at the expense of their brains, but I hardly expected they would be-
come so foolish as to become amateur prize-fighters, as is here told.
Inside Bedlam is interesting. English Photographs is as silly
as usual. The writer's latest idiocy is a theory about guineas, which
is laughably absurd. Somebody ought to give the poor fellow a few
lessons in English, and then he might spare us such a vulgar blunder
as "A London Cabman dare not disobey such an order"- as if "A
London Cabman were a noun of multitude, and might govern a verb
in the plural. Of the three pictures, the first is the best, graceful in
composition, and t -ling in effect. MR. WATSON'S illustration is not so
happy. Of the third-"Denzil Visits Miss Fordyce "-I can only
hope Denzil is an oculist, about to perform a cure of strabismus.
THEREz is another new magazine in the field-The Court Suburb. It
is never fair to judge from first numbers, but this seems to have
elements of success. We have, perhaps, too large an instalment of
the chief story, considering the size of the magazine, and consequently
the other papers are too short. The verse seems fair enough. Never-
theless, I question whether the new comer will achieve a good place
in its present form.
I surrosE WFoman's YWorld has not quite settled down in its new
quarters yet, for there is room for much improvement in the printing
-and especially in the "reading," for there are some lamentable
misprints. The cut has, too, suffered somewhat from being printed on
a coarse-grained paper, and the bringing-up of the wrapper is scarcely
satisfactory. The contents of the magazine, however, keep up to their
standard, and I hope in another month it will have got over its troubles

and changes, and be launched in the smooth waters of success: it is a
most deserving periodical.
Le Follet, this month, gives more evidence of the turn Fashion has
taken toward the picturesque costume of Louis XV.'s time.
THE most interesting feature of the Gardener's Magazine is an article,
with an illustration, on the bedding display in Battorsea Park. The
report of Mr. BuxTON's speech at the British Association on the accli-
matization of Parrots is very interesting.
Science Gossip has some valuable articles in it-one on Earthquakes
is especially readable now. The Naturalist's Note Book also abounds
in memoranda and extracts which will interest those even who are not
scientific naturalists.
There has been sent to me the first number of the Youag Gentle-
men of Britain, a penny weekly" intended for our boys. I have looked
it over carefully, for as a rule cheap publications for boys are mere
"Poison in Penny Numbers." I am glad to see that the new journal
adheres to the promise held out in its announcement, and while it gives
stories of stirring adventure by sea and land, in no instance, makes a
hero of a highwayman, or lends tinsel to vice. The illustrations might
be better, and this should be seen to :-it is as bad to educate young
people on bad art as on bad literature. The stories are interesting
and there is an amusing little paper, entitled, School Sketches "

OH, SusAvn the fair is a beautiful maid,
Her pa is embarked in the usuring trade,
His cash he lends out at a ruinous interest,
And his debtors lets neither in summer nor winter rest.
Young WILIAM, the clerk of our SusAN's papa,
For SwaAN he sighs, saying frequently, "Ah I"
But WILLIAM, alas is a terrible fright-
A BILL that would not be accepted at sight.
He squints with a pair of odd eyes in his head-
His cheeks they are yellow-his nose it is red-
His mouth has a chronic incipient yawn:-
As safe as the Bank, this account's not o'erdrawn!
So SUSAN declares, in tones terribly chill,
That she'd far sooner die than she'd make him her WILL
So he-for his love some return who expects-
Receives but a check that's endorsed no effects."
And SusAN her lovers can count by the score
Who have told her their passion a thousand times o'er.
But unluckily short these young gentlemen stop
With their pledges of love-for they none of them pop.
The reason of this, I suppose is, they rather
Object to the usuring trade of the father:
They none of them fancy becoming identified
With a father-in-law who's so fifty-per-centifiod !
For her pa was considered so cruel and bad,
The Old Gentleman long as a NiCK-name he'd had,
So the lovers, all shying this Lucifer match,
Say they'd go to the deuce ere they'd come to the scratch.
But Time hastens on-does not spare her a bit,
In lines on her forehead the issue is writ!
He plays with her beauty sad havoc, I guess,-
Does such execution as proves a distress!
Poor SusAN, most bitter at last is her cup-
She's quite at a discount. She's not taken up,
But gently let down by her lovers. How few
Care now to put in their appearance to SuE !
At last her papa, SusAN's case in a fright about
His child being (fifty-per)-sent to the right-about;
And, hoping her heart to her suitor may soften,
Just backs the old BILL she'd dishonoured so often.
So WILLIAM, forgetting her former denial,
With Common Pleas moves once again for a trial.
As she-as her WILL has been proved and found true-
Consents to be his without further ado.
Pas! Let this catch, while this page you peruse, your eye -
Never, oh, never be guilty of usury.
Daughters, to this little fact do not blind your eye-
You may say No" once too often; so mind your eye.
Lovers, on maidens who fix so intent your eye-
Though they may snub you at first, peradventure,-I
Know they'll come round if you'll just wait-a century!


[OCTOBER 31, 1868.

7 _

~~~~~I '- 7_


Mayor Mis-statements.
BLACKBURN seems to be a
favoured place. The other day
a local speaker said, "The
clergy of Blackburn are figur-
ing in nearly all the news-
papers of the country as the
most slanderous and villainous
set of men that exist in the
kingdom." It will be re-
membered that a Blackburn
parson a short time since de-
clared that the devil had taken
up his head-quarters in Lon-
don, with MR. GLADSTONE for
one of his generals, so that if
"nearly all the newspapers of
the country" do say what
they are reported to say they
are merely making themselves
intelligible to the Blackburn-
ites by talking to them in
their own tongue. But
Blackburn has been still fur-
ther distinguishing itself. The
Preston Herald gives a verba-
tim report of a speech made
at the local Licensed Vic-
tuallers' Association. Such
extraordinary rant, delivered
in a dialect as miraculous as
that of the Pogmore Almanack,
we have never read. It
reflects great credit on the


Piscator has immediate reasons for modifying his opinion of the pleasure.

Blackburn Corporation of
practical men Every one in
their hown spear as a hin-
corperated bodyy" to quote
the MAYOR. The poor fellow's
twaddle would have been
pardonable enough on the
score of ignorance and after-
dinner-ness, had he not been
guilty of a breach as much of
taste as of truth which cannot
be passed over. Alluding to
the times of the Lancashire
distress, he arrogated for his
party (the Conservative, of
course) the whole merit of the
relief so nobly contributed by
the whole country. The re-
collection of the unanimity
and generosity with which all
parties co-operated in that
grand work of charity, would
have prevented such a gross
partisan mis-statement had
the speaker boasted the edu-
cation of a charity boy or the
refinement of a crossing-

Founded ON FACT.-Illus-
tration of the proverb
"Money makes the man."-
A statue cut in brass.

A RUe-FUL CITY :-Paris.

F J N .-OCTOBED 31, 1868.


GR, -- T




I K!/



.Especially Recommended to those who attend Blection Meetings.]
Constable Gladstone (A:l) to Mr. J. Bull:-" TAKE CARE OF YOUR POCKETS."




OCTOBER. 31, 1868.]


SIr HUGH BE HUGGLESTONE had a tender heart. His chest took
after his heart. It also took colds very frequently.
It was rather trying for a knight of romance. A cold in modern
times is bad enough, but fancy sneezing in your helmet! Think what
a nuisance it was to blow your nose when your vizor was down!
Reflect on the miserable feeling of a cold steel breast-plate when you
had a catarrh!
SIR HUGH DE H eGGLESTONE went to the leech. They called
doctors leeches in those days because of their unusual hirud-ition, not
because they bled their patients. The Knights used to let blood for
one another quite enough in jousts; such was the power of a tourney
in those times.
The leech was about to apply a stethoscope to the Knight's chest,
but reflecting in an instant that the instrument was not invented, he
abandoned the idea. But he ordered him to travel. He advised him
to try Italy because, as a rule, those who went to Mentone came back
tone-y men.
"Sir Hugh," said he, "to Italy, sir, Hu-go :-you go! don't you
see ?"
The Knight smiled. But as his vizor was down that didn't so much
matter. However, he paid the leech his fee.
Next morning Sir Hugh put a clean pair of greaves and a change
of mail with a corslet just sent home from the wash, into a
Then he went to bid his lady-love farewell.
His lady-love was a young woman. Her name was Adelaide. Her
pa was a baron. Her ma had been a baroness, but retired from the
business at her own death.
Adelaide loved Sir Hugh with a considerable amount of affection.
They could not be married because he had not killed a lot of people,
and no Knight was supposed to be suited for married life until he had
committed a few odd murders. As it was a time of peace he could
not qualify in ordinary warfare, and he could not go out as a knight-
errant- in quest of adventures, because the laws of chivalry forbade
knights-errant to carry warming-pans about with them, and Sir Hugh.
was so subject to colds that he could not go to bed without that-or a
hot-water bottle.
Now, however, when his leech ordered him out to Italy, he would
be able to combine business and pleasure by making his trip a quest of
adventure. His leech's medical certificate would arrange the warm-
ing-pan question.
SIR HuGn was quite rejoiced at the prospect. He would ride forth
declaring that his lady was the loveliest, and his cold the worst, in
the whole world, and he would challenge any who questioned either
The LADY ADELAIDE had not seen her faithful HUGH for some
weeks. He had been suffering from a violent cold, and as his utter-
ance was thick, and he sneezed about every two minutes, and coughed
furiously at intervals of a quarter of an hour, he had absented himself
from the presence of his beloved one.
But she saw him coming now at last! Her joy was immense.
He looked so handsome, too! He had laid by his armour, and was
attired in a bavolet of cramoisie with hoddan grey gargoyles, and a
flowing vambrace of the richest purfled carcanet-or something of the
kind. It is difficult to remember all the terms used to describe old
As he entered the courtyard, she flew down the barbican-stairs and
flung herself on his breast.
What change had come over her Knight ? He repulsed her savagely,
and with language not altogether free from oaths.
My own SIR HUGH, what ails thee ? Hast thou found another
love, or dost thou deem thine ADELAIDE faithless? Say, why that
flush of anger ? Why those words of wrath? Why, why fling me
from thee thus ?"
Slowly the Knight found words.
Hang it all! You should be more careful. I had a mustard-
plaster on my chest last night, and fell asleep with it on, and slept for
an hour or more. The result is that my skin is so confoundedly
tender and inflamed that I can't bear to have it touched!"
"My poor HuGH!"
"My adored ADELAIDE !"
They were married next day. You see it was very convenient to
have some one to put his mustard-plasters on and take them off in a
reasonable time if he fell asleep-always provided that she didn't fall
asleep too!

How true it is that history repeats itself. The winner of the Cam-
bridgeshire is not the first See-saw who exclaimed" Veni, vidi, viol."

A CoNsUMMATIox DEvoUTLY TO BE WISHED.-A sink of Iniquity.

s. d.
Abiit ad plurcs."
I HOLD it truth, with him who rings
His money on a testing stone
To judge its goodness by its tone,
That Gold will buy all other things.
It hides the ravages of years;
It gilds the matrimonial match;
It makes deformity "a catch" ;
And dries the sorrowing widow's tears.
Let love grasp cash, lest both be drowned;
Let Mammon keep his gilded gloss:
Ah, easier far to boar the loss
Of love, than of a thousand pound !
Let not the victor say with scorn,
While of his winnings he may boast,
"Behold the man who played and lost,
And now is weak and overworn."

0, Fortune, fickle as the breeze!
0, Temptress at the shrine of Gain!
0, sweet and bitter !-all in vain
I come to thee for monied ease!
The chances surely run," she says;
But prick the series with a pin ;
Mark well; and then go in and win! "-
Or lose! for there are but two ways.
And still the phantom, Fortune, stands
And sings with tirou silvery tone:
Music that I may reach alone
With empty purse and empty hands!
And shall I still this fickle fair
With constant energies pursue ?
Or do as other people do-
Escape the tangles of her hair ?

I envy not in any mood
The mortal void of Mammon's lust,
Who never to a chance will trust,
And never Furtune's favours woo'd.
I envy not the plodding boor,
Whose stupid ignorant content
Cares not if odds on an event
Are 2 to 1, or 10 to 4.
Nor him who counts himself as blest,
And says, I take the wiser way,
Because for love alone I play,
So gambling never breaks my rest."
I hold it true, whatever befall,
I feel it when I lose the most,
'Tis better to have played and lost
Than never to have played at all.

A Word of Advice to Lord Mayo.
DURING the short period you will be in India encourage native
industry:-is it not absurd that in London alone there should be
hundreds of .Bhoot-an shoemakers ?

The Horse Guards v. Scotland Yard.
IT requires a tolerably smart fellow to "go for a soldier "- a
smarter still to go for a policeman if you want one found under twenty

HYPErION TO A SATYR.-The Jug-jug of the nightingale v. the Can-
can of the music-halls.




XII.-LODGERS (continued).
URELY the peripa-
tetic philosopher
cannot have failed
L to notice that the
ancient announce-
ment of "Good
entertainment for
man and beast" is
S "'" fast disappearing
from the exterior
of inns. There is
good entertain-
ment for "the
Si' \'man," of course,
i,' S still promised prac-
/ tically, if not set
J' forth on a sign.
But the beast" is
neglected;-a fact
that hardly speaks well for what we proudly call "advancing civiliza-
tion." The man still goes to the inn, and makes "the beast" of him-
self-or rather is said to do so by people who do not reflect how unjust
such a statement is to the beast. When a man goes into a public-house
and drinks himself into a state of stupidity, he is still a man. If he
could make a beast of himself it would be better for him, for then
he would refuse to take anything likely to do him harm, and would
cultivate the virtues of fidelity, unselfishness, and courage.
We have seen something of the lodgings occupied by man. We
will now see what accommodation is provided for man's bestfriend, the
dog. He needs an asylum, poor fellow, persecuted as he is by SIx
RicHARDnn MAYN. By the way, what an improvement it would be if
SIR RICHARD could make a beast of himself! He would then'have in-
stinct at least, which would supply the place of missing reason.
Doggie meets with small mercy at the hands of the police. The
constable dislikes him because he barks when he hears footsteps in the
area, because he is a detective who never takes hold of the wrong man,
and does not require any reward for doing his duty, and because he is
the living embodiment of the qualities of activity and intelligence "-
qualities which but for his exemplification of them, we might at last
come to think of as meaning picking walnuts at street corners, and
taking up orange women.
The antipathy of the constable towards the dog is so strong that even
when he takes a stray to an Institution, where there is accommodation
for keeping it some days on the chance of its owner claiming it, he
thirsts for its immediate destruction.
Will the reader kindly accompany us to The Home for Lost and
Starving Dogs," in Hollingswe(rth-street, Holloway, where we shall be
happy to introduce him to the comfortable lodgings of a new class of
lodgers ? If so he must be good enough to jump into a Hansom with
us at once, for we are a little late, and if our artist, with whom we have
made an appointment, has to wait in this weather outside the gate it is
not impossible that the juvenile population may gather round him, and
regard him derisively as a lost and starving dog."
Here we are! A jolly rosy-faced individual, with a little of the air
of a keeper about him, is ready to receive us, and show us the lodgings
-and the lodgers, whose voices greet us immediately on our entering.
They speak many languages, it is evident. The deep "Booh-woow! "
of the native of Newfoundland mingles with the Yak! Yak! of the
British terrier, and the prolonged Wooooooooooh of the Po-
meranian, rising towards the end into a shrill treble.
There are degrees and distinctions in these lodgings. This large
yard on your right, where there is a pack of dogs of all sizes, shapes,
and descriptions, may be considered the attics. Two smaller spaces
where the larger dogs are confined may pass for the parlours. The
drawing-rooms are in the house, with separate apartments for the
various lodgers, who are well-born and well-bred.
This is a foreigner-a Frenchman, and
as woe-begone a Frenchman as you ever
met in Leicester-square on a foggy damp
day. He is a poodle who has seen better
days. He is so neglected and dirty that
his curly locks are black instead of white,
and hang in tags about him. He is fully
aware that his outward appearance is ,'
shabby-his hind-quarters have not been
shaved, so that he no longer looks like a ,
comic heraldic lion as he used to do '-
in better days. Poor fellow, he was in .s

[OCTOBER 31, 1868. '

good circumstances once, but you know what restless dissatisfied
people the French are. He was full of revolutionary projects.
He was for liberty-he was! So crying out Vive la Rdpublique,
he got himself lost one day, and here he is! He is utterly wretched,
and takes a savage sort of comfort in sitting in a puddle of
dirty water to show that he is too miserable to care about trifles.
He is inwardly cursing our English climate, however, all the
while, and is anything but jolly in his damp situation, but like all his
nation he has a dramatic instinct, and he suffers, as a martyr to the
effective and picturesque. He is thinking to himself how perverse
fortune is-" Tiens, done !" he muses "Me vola It must that a
French gentleman-a poodle of pure blood as I-should be shave at
the hind-quarters. Sacrd-no such thing comes to me. But see you
there! A Pomeranian, look you, whom it must not to shave at all-
he is shave at the fore-quarters! It is the pleasure of fortune to
make ridiculous the poor foreigner-to laugh to his nose !"
What our French
friend says about
the Pomeranian is
only too true. He
cuts an extraor-
dinary figure, but
thanks to his Teu-
tonic extraction
bears the infliction ,
with tolerable
equanimity. The _,
fact is that he has
been shaved in .
hospital, having
been suffering from "-
mange. He has
quite recovered now. He is thought a philosopher by the other
dogs, but like a good many German philosophers owes his reputation
as such chiefly to his sleepiness (which passes for thought) and his
silence (which is, accounted wisdom). He sits blinking at the cold
wintry sun, which possibly reminds him of his native land. He does
not look handsome now, but by and by when his coat grows again, and
he gets a scrubbing, he will look well enough in his white fur. Then
very likely some lady visitor may purchase him and carry him away
to a comfortable home. His appearance will do this for him, while
many a cleverer and better dog is passed over for him. Stupidity and
good looks are passports to prosperity in another world than the
Did you ever see such a quaint cur as this ? He is terribly bandy.
His coat is wiry and of a dirty pepper-and-salt hue. He has grey
eyebrows and a grey moustache like an old soldier.
He has a slightly protruding under-jaw so that he
wears a perpetual grin-a cynical grin, not a silly
one. His tail is a queer stump. You can see at a
glance that he is a mongrel of the most unmistakable
kind-a street Arab. Let us converse with him, and
inquire his history. Never 'ad no father nor mother
as 'e knowed on. No! Ain't werry old-don't know
his own hage exackly, but he ain't hold, though
rather greyish. Ye see, it's along o' the exposure
to the weather as a chap gets grey. Ain't never
knowed what it is to 'ave a 'ome. Yes! it is a precious 'ard life
on the streets-precious little to eat, and every one ready with a
stick or a stone. Well! may 'ave took a scrap from a butcher's
shop or elsewhere at times, but wot's a chap to do if 'e's a-starvin' ?
Likes this place jolly well s'poses it's a reformatory as 'e's
heardd street-boys a-talkin' of when 'ee and they 'ave a-ben cuddled
all up together for warmth. Was brought 'ere by the bobbies. It's
the only kindness they ever did 'im in all 'is life."
A sporting gentleman is the next to claim
our attention. He is a well-bred English
terrier. His coat is shiny black with tan
facings. His eye is quick and bright. His
limbs are clean and strong, He had a good
home once, but lost it through a fatal pre-
dilection for sport. He has been on the turf,
having distinguished himself as "the Derby
dog over the same course as Kettledrum, and
in the same year. He got "outon the spree"
a little while since on a ratting excursion, and
falling in with kindred spirits had some sport
among the cats. Getting into bad company, and going-in recklessly
for ratting, he fell into the clutches of the police, bent on putting
down that illegal sport. He finds life at Holloway rather dull. He
doesn't even get any cat-worrying, the cats in the neighbourhood
having, from long experience, grown so artful that no dog can ever get
near them.
Here we come to a thoroughbred bull-dog. With all his ferocious

OCTOBER 31, 1868.]

F UN. 83

little Darling (whose mamma has been trying to get BRISSELLS to give som8e-
thing for her stall at the Fancy Fair) :-" WELL, MA, MR. BRISSELLS MIGHT

appearance he is good-tempered enough
unless he is roused. He is the property of
a gentleman who has been compelled to
part with him temporarily under circum-
stances over which he has no control- -9:
the particular circumstances being the
Brixton "mill." An unfortunate dispute
with an intoxicated individual in the Black-
friars Road at two in the morning, coupled
with the accidental transfer of the indi-
vidual's portable property to the pockets of our friend's owner, led to
this unpleasant result.
The initial shows a sad case. That aristocrat is highly con-
nected, but is in sadly reduced circumstances. He is a poor relation,
upon whom greyhounds that have distinguished themselves in the
coursing field look down with pity and contempt. His meek, and not
very intellectual, countenance bespeaks the poor relation. He has had
no opportunities, poor fellow, or he might have done something. It
was possibly with a vague idea of doing something for himself that
he jumped over his master's garden-wall at Brixton and became a
There are many more lodgers at the Home yet, if we had but time to
listen to their histories. Yonder is a splendid Newfoundland, and
here's a glossy black retriever. Are they comfortable ? Are they well
treated ? Observe what a wagging of tails is set up wherever the
keeper turns his eye. How glad they are to give you a courteous
greeting, especially if they see you can talk their mute language.
Stop one moment though, before you go. There's a box just behind
you to receive subscriptions. The Home is supported by voluntary
contributions, and if you have ever had a dog, and know therefore
what it is to possess a true friend, with unselfish devotion, tried
honesty, unshaken fidelity, courage, and intelligence, you will not fail
to put your mite into that box. There is not so much honesty, fidelity,
or unselfishness, about in the world, that you need grudge paying a
little towards its lodgings.

I'vE beenrtroubled enough with lumbago.
And often been sadly put out
By a diet of slops and of sago
When threatened with twinges of gout.
But till lately I lived like a sceptic
Of ills that a mortal befull,
When attacked by a demon dyspeptic,
So much the~most painful of all.
All ailments I find to my sorrow
The demon Dyspepsia brings;
I look with despair on the morrow,
And hope for to-day has ta'en wings.
Hot suppers have brought indigestion,
And nightmare's disturbing my rest;
What to eat now is never the question,
Debarred from the things I like best.
For this is my favourite supper,
(My tastes may be vulgar,) hot pie-
Made of pork, with the crust known as ulper,
In slabs thick and luscious, I try
To partake of with strict moderation-
Three platefuls or so, but not more ;
Yet believe me that moderate ration
Makes my epigastrium sore.
I go to the doctor, who, smiling,
Looks wise as he pockets his fee,
My moderate supper reviling
With language excessively free.
Quoth he, "I don't wonder you're seedy,
Such gorging is fearful, 'tis true ;
Did I eat as you sup, why, indeed, I
Should be as dyspeptic as you."
Then he gives me a pill or a potion
That takes away feelings of pain,
And I straightway dismiss every notion
Ascetic, and sup once again.
For every practitioner scorning,
If greedy (you'll own) I am frank,
Though I'm sure to be bad in the morning,
My life without supper's a blank !

alusf rz it (1oArspolibcts.

[ cannot return unaccepted M88. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
J. H. L.-Too excruciating!
AsNON.-We don't assist Anons" to libel their friends.
J. A. B. (Ware.)-Oh, Ware! and oh, Ware! We hope this Warc-ied
strain" is not considered poetry in your parts.
L. G. (Buckhurst-hill) asks this awful question :-" Can a gentleman win
a pair of gloves of a lady, if she be found sleeping?" We really cannot
decide off-hand, but if our fair correspondent will give us an opportunity or
testing the matter practically we will do our best to discover if it be poeible.
We rather incline to think it could be done.
A. X. Z.-You are the twentieth case of a shocking epidemic that we
have met with this week. The premonitory symptoms in each instance are
-" If theTicket of Leave Man meets the Lancashire Lass After Dark, etc.,
etc.. etc., Foul Play." Go to the nearest hospital without delay.
E. Nur.-If you would write to us as a gentleman should, ingt-ad of
sending anonymous letters, we could point out your mistake in two minutes.
In fairness you should do so.
A. A. G.-Your communication, half in ink and half in pencil, is wholly
DECENCY.-You must be a dinrnke not to see that the bad grammar was
put into the modest youth's mouth on purpose. Did you spell schollar"
so on purpose ? Go to, you irritated Yank!
Declined with thanks:-F. C., Liverpool; A. McW., Glasgow; Auri-
coma; L. R. S., St. James's-square; A. G.; W. W., Birkenhead ; F. E. B.,
Lime-street; J. F.; II. L., Glasgow; H. H., Ramsgato; J. T. It.,
Ramsgate; G., Southsea; R. R-n, Westbourne Park; G. J. S. ; J. G.
A., Clerkenwell; Broom Coachee; Tipsy Cake; A Constant it.ader,
X. Y. Z.; C. D. M., Strand; G. W. A., Manchester; Ted; N. N., Black-
rock; L. 0. P.; J. C. B., Belfast; W. A.; In Nubibus; M., Susesx-
street; A. C. L.; E. B. L., Netting Hill; A. L. H., Lambeth; T. W.
E. C., Camberwell; G. II.; Tom Noddy; D). L., Camden Town; Oxoni-
ensia; S. H., Bristol; Job; Pickles; X. L. X. ; Nobbut; T. V., Oxford;
N., Liverpool; R. S., Swansea; P. M., North Britain; Jericho.


Conductor (persuasively):-" ANY two GEN'L'MEN RIDE OUTSIDE TO OBLIGE

A New She-atre.
A coNTEMPORARY has the following rather startling paragraph:-
"A theatre of an entirely new description is about to be opened in Vienna. The
company will consist exclusively of actresses, though parts written for men will
continue to be played. In the orchestra all the musicians will be of the female sex.
In fact, the only men in the theatre will be spectators."
Had this theatrical innovation been announced at the Mill-an theatre
we should not have been so much astonished. The feature least in
accordance with our English notions is the female orchestra. We
should be very much shocked at the idea of ladies making the first

A Hackneyed Expression.
ONE free and independent voter of Hackney met another free and
independent voter the other day, and said, "I say, HOMER-I don't
know whether he's the author of HOMER'S Iliad or of HOMER'S silly-
addresses-is a rum card! Replied the other, Oh, HOMER'S odd-is
he!" So they parted.

Terribly Hy-brid Cattle.
WE read in a contemporary that canary birds bred in Germany
are now hawked about the streets of Southampton for sale." Must we
regard this as a canard, or as a specimen of that bird supposed to be
extinct, the do-do ?

[OT.OBER 31, 1868.

Heralded by hoary rime
On the grass at morning prime,
Shown in drooping leaves and stems
Heavy with the icy gems,
Felt in fingers and in noses.
And-excuse the rhyme-in toeses,
Lo, it comes! Let you and I
Homeopathy, then, try:
You will find, my learned brother,
One good "nip" will cure another.
1.-If you like it, you'll turn up your nose at it.
If you don't, you'll scarce sneeze, I suppose at it.
If it smokes or looks red,
You should cut off its head;
For it's wicked :-and therefore here goes at it !
2.-Silver orb so brightly set
In the evening's violet,
Did the ancients speak the truth ?
Gifted with eternal youth,
Dost thou at Day's western porch
Stand, the guardian of its torch ?
3.-A wicked convention by old Spanish knavery
Framed to support South American slavery.
4.-Our rector is handsome, our rector is young,
Our rector possesses a honey-sweet tongue.
He dresses in cassock, alb, chasuble, cope,-
If I say he's High Church, he won't mind it, I hope.
But in all that he does in the order of prayers,
Our rector is guided by these, he declares.
5-For hours he had fished in the sea,
But never a nibble had he,
And this was beginning to do;
When, lo! a coincidence odd,
He captured a species of cod,-
And this was the name of it too !
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 84.-October, Brewing :
Orb, Canister, Trounce, Outlaw, Broccoli, European,
-Bumblekite; Angus M'Clan; Tiny Ditton; Thomas and
Collings; Prior; Boy's Mother; Ruby's Ghost; Frank and
Maria; Herod.

Hollo! Eh ?
IT is reported that three houses recently erected near the Hampstead
Junction Railway, in Holloway-road, fell down one morning recently.
The reporter adds, "the cause of the accident has not at present been
ascertained." It is not difficult to divine, however-the houses have
been recently built after the modern style of building-that is, in a
very Hollow-way.

Hard to Crack.
A CORRESPONDENT informs us that in consequence of the extreme
drought, Ground Rents considerably increased lust summer. After
some difficulty we find that he means cracks in the earth.

How TO MAKE A HEAVY BAo.-Keep your mouth shut when dogs
are working and take our word for it-nothing will escape you.

NOTICE.-On Monday, November the 2nd, price Twopence,
Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by
All the back numbers of FUN (New Series) are in print, and may be
obtained at the Office, or through any Bookseller.

OVER COATS, 21s. TO 63s.



Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Preprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: October 31, 1868.

NOVEMBEm 7, 1868.] F U N. 85

T SING a legend of the sea,
W IJ L So hard-a-port upon your
lee !
A ship on starboard
I tack!
She's bound upon a private
i B (This is the kind of spice
I use
To give a salt sea-

S I I''7 Behold, on every afternoon
"^ ; (Save in a gale or strong
-(Great, morally, though
rather short)
Sat at an open weather-
And aired his shape-
ly legs.
And mermaids hung around in flocks,
On cable chains and distant rocks,
To gaze upon those limbs:
For legs like those, of flesh and bone,
Are things "not generally known"
To any Merman TIMBs.
But Mermen didn't seem to care
Much time (as far as I'm aware)
With CLEGGS'S legs to spend :
Though Mermaids swam around all day,
And gazed, exclaiming, That's the way
A gentleman should end !"
"A pair of legs with well-cut knees
And calves and ankles such as these
Which we in rapture hail,
Are far more eloquent, it's clear,
When clothed in silk and kerseymere,
Than any nasty tail."
And CLEGOs-a worthy kind old boy-
Rejoiced to add to others' joy
And (though he scarce knew why)
Because it pleased the lookers-on
He sat there every day-though con-
Stitutionally shy.
At first the Mermen laughed a few,
But finally they jealous grew
And sounded loud recalls:
But vainly-so these fishy males
Declared they too would clothe their tails
In silken hose and smalls.
They set to work, these water-men,
And made their nether robes-but when
They drew with dainty touch
The kerseymere upon their tails,
They found it scraped against their scales
And hurt them very much.
The silk, besides, with which they chose
To deck their tails, by way of hose
(They never thought of shoon),
For such a use was much too thin,
It tore against the caudal fin
And "went in ladders" soon.
So they designed another plan,
They sent their most seductive man
This note to him to show-
"Our Monarch sends to CAPTAIN CLioos
His humble compliments and begs
He'll join him down below-
"We've pleasant homes below the sea-
Besides, if CAPTAIN CLEGGS should be
(As our advices say)
A judge of Mesmaids, he will find
Our lady-fish of every kind
Inspection will repay."

Good CAPBL sent a kind reply,
For CArEL thought he could descry
An admirable plan
To study all their ways and laws-
(But not their lady-fish, because
He was a married man).

The Merman sank-the Captain too
Jumped overboard, and dropped from view
Like stone from catapult-
And when he reached the Morman's lair
He certainly was welcomed there,
But, ah with what result ?
They didn't let him learn their law,
Or make a note of what he saw-
Or interesting mem:
The lady-fish he couldn't find-
But that, of course, he. didn't mind-
He didn't come for them.
For though, when CAPTAIN CAPEL sank
The Mermen drawn in double rank
Gave him a hearty hail;
Yet when secure of CAI'TAIN CLEGGOOS,
They cut off both his lovely legs
And gave him such a tail!
When CAPTAIN CLGGOs returned aboard,
His blithesome crew, convulsive, roar'd
To see him altered so.
The Admiralty did insist
That he upon the half-pay list
Immediately should go.

In vain declared the poor old salt,
"It's my misfortune-not my fault,"
With tear and trembling lip-
In vain poor CAPEL begged and begged-
" A man must be completely legged
Who rules a British ship."
So spake the stein First Lord aloud-
He was a wag though very proud,
And much rejoiced to say:
"You're only half a captain now-
And so, my worthy friend, I vow
You'll only get half-pay "


86 FU NJ NOVEMBERR 7, 1868.

illustration is imitating the exact attitude and gesture of the observer."
OUR FU N-D 0 NE LETTE R. The observer in the drawing holds a cane in his left hand, and lifts
kis right in the air, and the image is doing exactly the same; whereas
HE musical critic of the Sunday Times is always if it were "reflected as in a mirror" it would reverse matters, and
greatly affected when anyone ventures to appear to hold the stick in its right hand and to elevate its left.
suggest that the musical criticism of the preo- Further on we have a picture of some vegetable oddities, copied, I
f sent day is a fow degrees short of perfection, think, from KimBY's Wonderful Mirror, and representing a turnip like
The other day, apropos of some not too a human figure, and a radish like a hand. Of these the writer
S= favourable Brighton critiques on Miss GOD- observes that there is no reason to believe the representations
SAnD'S playing, he became quite eloquent in exaggerated "-a statement which the reader will be inclined to
condemning those who venture to impute reckon the greatest wonder" in the .number when he looks at the
motives, and to question the honesty of picture.
musical critics in general and the Times critic in particular. Only it IN the Quiver this month there are two fairly good illustrations. I
was a little startling to find him, in the very same article, accusing the need not specify them for they stick fiery off! There is a decided
Brighton writers of all sorts of motives and misdeeds. One of them improvement in the literary portion, the Editor having apparently
having hinted that Miss GODDARD gets too much praise in the Times, taken a hint as to the excess of goody in previous numbers. MR.
our ingenuous friend asks, "Supposing she does obtain more notice in G. M. FENN, Ma. SIDNEY DARL, and MI. W. H. G. KINGSTON con-
the Times than her position warrants, who could be surprised ? We tribute short stories that are entertaining and amusing, although
fancy that very few would think the worse of her husband for it!" even these are in some places touched up with little bits of pious
That is the most startling and novel of criticism I have seen for an sentiment, as if the Editor kept a stock of "goody" by his side in a
age : unfortunately, though one might not think worse of the husband, dredger and shook a little every now and then over any paper that
one might have one's confidence in the critic shaken; and, after all, appeared too worldly. "Abyssinian Notes" will be found interesting;
what one wants in criticism is the impartial judge, not the fond spouse. and a poem called the Mary Cray," in which an old lady is described
AMONG the thousand and one signs that presage hard fighting at the as overturning her spinning-wheel and "running ablind for joy"
coming election, is the publication at Brighton of an illustrated weekly (whatever that may mean), supplies the humorous element.
paper entitled Jack o'Lantern, and intended to keep up a display of
squibs during the contest. It is done with spirit and go, and will, I
doubt not, do yeoman's service for the candidates it supports, PRo- NOVEMBER
FEssOR FAWCETT and MR. WHITE. NiovEERii Well, the word is foul;
THE case of the .tlas, argued the other day before Lon RomuLLv, is Our neighbours talk of suicides.
another proof of the unsatisfactory state of the law on literary points. And rheumatism makes us howl,
The literary man wants a representative as much as the ordinary And somehow life keeps bowling wide!
working man. It is too bad that a man should be able to sell a journal We clap a top-coat on our back,
to another, and the next week start a fresh one with an almost identical And, weatherproof, through life we jog,-
tile, and from the same office-yet this was the Atlas case, and the .'Tis strange how many get the knack
purchaser could get little or no protection. I am glad to see, by the Of warding off November fog.
way, that the Atlas, under the new management, has returned to its og.
ohl legible type, and is as well turned out as it was at first, for latterly November! Guino FAWKES 'tis true
it had fallen off slightly. Conceived a most outrageous plot,
I HAvy received a handsomely-bound Drawing Room Album, entitled Which turned the House of Commons blue,
the Book of Torments. It is a new and improved form of a recent When it discovered-what was not!
absurdity which followed on the heels of postage stamps and mono- Some demon may be lurking now
grams. It contains blank spaces to be filled up with "favourites "-- Beneath the Parliament incog.,
your favourite motto," "your favourite king," etc.; and, doubtless, Still no one will determine how
supplies a want in circles where postage stamps have begun to pall and We tided the November fog.
monograms have grown monotonous. November! City magnates preach,
MR. TRoLLors's new story, He knew He was Right, begins with a pro- And say it shall be thus and thus,
mixing bit of jealousy and suspicion, but the instalment is not large Some councillors for pageants screech,
enough to give me a great insight into the story. The character of While others deprecate a fuss.
COLONEL OsnoRNEE, however, bids fair to be a clever study, and the The ninth appears! the people shout,
wilting is in MR TaoLLorE'S easy, if rather level, style. MR. MARcUS And aldermen still go the hog,
Srox., who has improved since he illustrated MR. DICKENS'S mutual And clearly demonstrate, no doubt,
F fend, has been entrusted with the pictorial work, and his first draw- They're careless of November fog.
ing is pleasing, though the initial is scarcely free and graceful enough. November! well, the country's dull,
In the second part a new character, Hugh Stanbury, the journalist, is November well, the country's dull,
introduced, and is likely to be an interesting one. Ma. SroNE's And dreariness enfolds the land;
initial is very clever. The larger cut is a little thin." But still our dirty London's full,
The Elizebethan is to hand, and I am glad to see is in a flourishing And gas-lamps glitter in the Strand.
condition. Among the best things in it is "Popular Songs." An The tempest whips the turret-pane,
essay on Hoee's "Queen's Wake" is clever, and well written. The And bumpkins flounder in the bog,
following extract from a letter on "Algebra Superseded is ingenious But we turn into Drury Lane
and amusing:- And soon forget November fog.
1i -q', .-..-.. one known that STX=', IX=9, therefore S=-3, SEVEN=7, November! 'tis the month to whine,
S- EVEN=10, v=i, therefore EEN-5; SEVENTEEN=17, And muffle up our throat and chin,
.- iEVN=7, therefore TEEN=10, EEN has been proved to=5, therefore T=5; But we can ask our friends to dine,
-N; e TEEN aIo=10, T in both eaes =5, therefore EEN=EN, therefore E And some good fellow takes us in.
: =0, since an E more or less makes no difference in the value of a number, And e g oo fellow takes
S.: n x=.5 also. We growl too frequently I think,
THE design on the wrapper of T[i World of Wonders is particularly And sorrow is too sad a log,
e t and appropriate. It represents the earth with its attendant moon So let us steal from Mirth a link
-: -'g in space amid comets and lightning; but with a strict To light us through November fog!
a -*:- tr nature- the artist has given all the lines of latitude and
Bnmgitude with which. as every one knows, the world is marked! This
w ,dsrilai world is a fair type of the work which combines facts with Naox Erat!
--sth narratIve -in about equal proportions, the only objection to LET dogs delight "-and let men of sense rejoice! Here's a bit
Sarixtuare ^. in tr.. t there is nothing to indicate which is fact and of good news:-
whirea is f,6ctin. For instance, we have" The Wonder of the Magnet," "The resignation of Sir R. Mayne, the chief of the metropolitan pollee, is
i e vd b-y '- rmaidens and Men of the Sea," and the reader is left spoken of as likely to take place early next year. Mr. Knox, the police magistrate,
V.: i cie tsr himself which article is to be taken as true. In the illus- is spoken of as his probable successor."
i ie-a' ef t Uflla's Circle there is a peculiarity for which the law of It would be superfluous to knight a (K)Nox, but that alone is needed
s apprtnly afFords no solution. As my readers are probably to make the succession faultless. Scotland Yard under Ma. KNox will
Stit, -. phn.-minon hetre described shows the spectator an image of be able still to boast of its be-night-ed management.
!kte-i 'f "r.'e-;tid i nhe air as distinctly as in a mirror. It will be
erve ,'ud y says, Te Wrld of Wondtrs, that the spectral figure in the SWEET THouoHT.-Barley Sugar.-The Repeal of the Malt Tax.



F TJ N.--N'uvi MwR 7, 1868.

-, ~/'""

(At Liverpool.)

NOVEMBER 7, 1868.1


WS at the Crystal Palace
I wandered with my
I' We looked at the gerani-
ums with variegated

*i Hi' 'i We wandered in the
Rosery, and o'er the
-y. I verdant meads,
And whirled along the
terraces on wild
j. -velocipedes.
i We sat in the Pompeian
Court, and that of
We visited the pictures
too, and Camera ob-
\\ It was a day of wild
And when we got an appetite,
We sat beneath the screen of kings,
And ate and drank a lot of things.
From bottled beer of Burton's BASS we drew the flying cork,
We ate the pie of Pimlico, that's made of plenteous pork.
With bread and cheese and celery we finished up the feast,
And JONES declared of cognac we must have a nip at least,
And se we had of steaming grog two tumblers stiff and big,
By way of a corrective-just to qualify the pig.
I saw his eye was getting bright,
But he assured me 'twas all right;
And thought, perhaps, upon the whole
We'd better have another stroll.
To the Tropical Department then we wandered, I and JONEs,
And there we saw the working bees and dilatory drones,
And then we scratched the parrots' polls and stroked the cockatoos,
And saw the hairless horse which seemed to have a fit of blues ;
But, ah, the rarest object that was seen by JONES and me-
The rarest and most touching far, it was the Chimpanzee.
I saw the humid tears arise
At once to JONES's eager eyes;
Into a quiet nook he crept
And there he sat him down and wept.
"What is it that affects thee ? said I, my gentle JONES,
Is it the lovely scenery-the organ's melting tones ? "
But JONES he gravely shook his head, and weeping still said he,
"Dear friend, excuse this weakness-it's the Chi-Chi-Chimpanzee!"
Here sobbing choked his utterance. But come," I answered, JONES,
Explain this sudden mystery, and don't make any bones!"
Said he, Forgive memorial tears-
The sight recalls my boyhood's years.
For, oh, my friend, yon chimpanzee
It is as like as like can be
To her-the only one in truth,
Whom once I loved in early youth-
The apple-woman who'd a stall
Erected againstt the playground wall."

Diz Derelictus.
IT is to be hoped that the Premier is not superstitious, or the fol-
lowing paragraph may fling a gloom over the last days of the recess
for him:-
On the 28th September, during a heavy gale, fell in with a ship with a flag of
distress flying. Remained by her, and next morning, the weather having abated,
took off all the crew, 16 in number. The vessel proved to be the Disraeli, bound
from Bathurst, Canada, with a cargo of deals."
The Disraeli, with its cabin-no, we mean crew of sixteen, and its
cargo of dealings may be expected to hoist a flag of distress early in
the session. But there need be no apprehensions of serious danger;-
the good ship FUN will be near at hand and will take them all off"
at every opportunity.

A Note for the Peace Society.
WE see it stated by an American journal that the war in the United
States killed over two hundred papers. And yet war is described as a
curse !

Or the character of a pamphlet entitled Spiritualism versus Positiism,
by a Ma. DAtIANI, one extract will suffice to give an explanation.
MR. DAMIANIs is a Spiritualist, and challenges PROFESSOR TYNDALL and
Mi. LEWEs to a trial of the question in this gentlemanly tone:-
Unless you take up the glove which I am presently about to throw at. your feet
-we will never approach Spiritualism by word of mouth; for, I be'ng a Sicilian,
and one of you two gentlemen (I am told) of Hlibernian extraction,-if we attempted
to discuss tihe subject rivd voce, instead of through the friendly medium of pen and
ink, the result of such discussion might be neither spiritual nor philosophical."
Of the value of its arguments another extract will supply an
"Tis not so !' you cry, Faraday did Investigate: that great man was so in-
finitely condescending as to attend a seance, and found the whole thing, as he ex-
pected, a delusion and a snare.' Faraday did so condescend, true. Hec devoted
half-an-hour to the investigation of a philosophy."
If this be not petitio principii, what is ? To say that Spiritualism is
a philosophy is to beg the very question we have to decide. Half-an-
hour may be insufficient for the investigation of a philosophy, but it is
more than enough for the detection of a swindle. The whole pamphlet,
in short, is bluster and blunder. Nor is MA. DAMIANI content with
blunders of his own making. He quotes from the REv. H. W.
BEECHER a long paragraph, in which the reverend gentleman falls foul
of the moles for eating his hyacinth bulbs! Why did not the spirit of
some departed Naturalist set MR. DAMIANI and Mit. WAID BEECHER
right on this point, by informing them that the mole is insectivorous,
and would as soon think of eating a hyacinth as a whale would of
taking beef steaks and bottled porter. Mn. DAuMINI takes umbrage at
a definition of Spiritualists given by PROFEssoR TYNDALL in a letter to
the Pall Mall, and exhaustively dividing the believers into knaves and
idiots. M3. DAMIANI may take comfort, we have read his pamphlet
and can assure him no one would think of classing him under the first
and more offensive denomination.

Orr Gude!
A rious deputation from Glasgow waited on the directors of the
South Western Railway to beg the company not to run Sunday trains
between Glasgow and Paisley. Scm ANDUEW OuR, the chairman of
the Board, said the directors ran them to do away with the present
obnoxious omnibus traffic between the two towns on Sunday. There
is a refinement about this distinction between the comparative wicked-
ness of travelling on Sunday by rail or road, for which we have vainly
sought a reason. To be sure, it was hardly to be expected that we
should find any reason in such absurd prejudices. Nevertheless
we should like to know, if it be a sin to travel by 'bus, why it is a
virtue to travel by rail, on Sunday.

Domestic Maxim.
A LADY of our acquaintance who has had a long experience as a
housekeeper, and knows something of the insolence of servants,
declares she always finds, contradictory though it may seem, those
servants that don't answer suit her best.

"When the Wine is in the Man, then the Wits are in
the Can."
AFTER the second bottle old BEESWINo's head gets completely
muddled. Seeing a bevy of fair girls drying their flowing locks on
the beach, he sputtered out-B-bless me! quite a Buck-hair-nalian
If Aught of Oaten Stop."
THaE ondon Review the other day expressed a belief that on an
average there are half-a-dozen poets in every Scottish parish. If this
be true one has no cause to wonder that Scotland is entirely given up
to (oat)meal-an'-colly.

(Whit) more Witty than Wise.
MSR. WHITMORE, the Conservative candidate for Bridgnorth, has
sent his photograph to every elector in the borough. Such a course
is an infringement of the Act, which forbids a candidate to supply
carriages-and therefore cartes-to bring voters to the poll.

Perfectly Ri-tickle-ous.
SOME fish are more susceptible of the polite attentions of man than
others,-for instance, you may tickle a trout, but a barbel takes
"scratching." _______
A WRINKLE FOR THE UNDERWRITERS.-To prevent ships being lost
at sea, see that they are "well found."


92 F U N. [NOVEMBER 7, 1868.

MR. EDITOR,-In accordance with the plan which has hitherto been
so successful with most of your contemporaries, of sending special
reporters on difficult missions for which their highest qualification has
been the entire impartiality that can only be secured by absolute
ignorance of the subject proposed for their examination, I went last
week to witness a trial of the celebrated Tubewell Pumps, which I
understood were in some way connected with the recent operations of
our army in Abyssinia. I need scarcely observe I was at first under
the impression that my researches would relate to a kind of dancing
shoe, used by the natives in their terpsichorean sports, and about to be
introduced to this country to supersede our patent leathers; and
though I could scarcely understand why the national break-down,"
which was to exhibit the advantages of the Abyssinian pump, could
not have been held at St. James's Hall, or, at all events, at one of the

of boats, should any delay in the operations of 'the pumps consign us
to the inevitable deluge. The conductors of the operations which we
had assembled to witness were equal to the occasion, however-three
intelligent labourers, all of whom, I hope, have votes in the coming
election, and will doubtless use them as the palladium of everything
that should conduce to the highest welfare of everybody concerned in
upholding the dignity of the national birthright and the Charter that
belongs to the indomitable energy of a free people, who refuse to be
under the domination of those who, having failed to perceive the
reverse, insist on attempting an altogether different policy. You will,
I hope, excuse this parenthesis not altogether uncalled for at the pre-
sent crisis, when, as has been already remarked by one of the foremost
orators of our age and time; but let us return to our pumps. Three
labourers, with that mechanical ability which distinguishes the British
workman when he has a vote, rapidly drove by means of a monkey-
which I may mention for the benefit of your readers who have not
had the advantage of technical education, means a hollow hammer

London Theatres, I came to the conclusion that laibtow was laiund by means of ropes and pul]]ys, aid descending by its own
selected because it would in some way or other furnish a conundrum. weight in accordance with a charming law of political economy,-
You may judge of my surprise and that of your artist-whose ac- rapidly drove, I say, eighteen feet of tubing into the solid earth, and
quaintance I made in one of the dirtiest and most uncomfortable rail- through the solid root of a tree before it reached the company's main.
way carriages in Europe, where he was, if anything, wetter through After the usual delay in finding the residence of the turncock, and the
than I was,-when we heard that the pumps were real pumps, and that usual difficulty in his discovering the exact locality of the plug, a
we had been invited to spend a cheerful day, in a driving rain and a limpid stream of water was procured, such as did honour alike to the
strong north-east wind, to witness the complete drainage of the Essex heads and hearts of the assembled company.
Marshes by the simple method of drawing off all the water through *
iron tubes driven into the ground. Never shall I forget the burst of If you have any regard for the graces of composition you will stop
honest enthusiasm which glowed through our frames when we were here, but candour compels me to add that I began under an entirely
introduced to three hand-pumps, a quantity of iron piping, a portable mistaken impression. U he patent tube wells, as has just been explained
fire-engine, and a company of ardent but extremely damp gentlemen, to me, are not yet adapted to draining purposes, though they may be,
in an abandoned orchard, behind a tenantless farmyard, in the but were used to find water in Abyssinia, and are now being adapted to
deserted village of Plaistow. Never shall I cease to remember the the same discovery in England. Their immediate application to several
astonishment with which we regarded the simple apparatus which was of the London neighborhoods, and specially to Bethnal Green, will be
to turn that dripping solitude into an arid plain. From the first I saw the crowning proof of their efficacy, for they can procure a constant
success written wherever there was the least shelter to protect it from supply of pure water in twenty minutes, which is more than mobt
being washed out. From the first I determined,-and so did your householders can do. I have already formed a company for sinking
artist,-to stand our ground as long as there was any ground not sub- tube wells across the deserts and the steppes of Tartary, and charging
merged to stand upon. We had selected a slight eminence as present- travellers a penny a pint; camels eightpence a skinful.
ing the best point at which to await the necessary assistance by means Yours, U. E.

NOVEMBER 7, 1868.]




HE used it in a very dreadful way,
And years ago we always used to pray
'Gainst such attempts to murder, for you'll own
How vile they are, directed at a throne.

1.-In its gently rising steam
I beheld as in a dream,
The faces of old comrades in my cheery student days;
And the odours it can bring
Are more sweet than gales of spring,
So verses to this liquor I am very glad to raise.
2.-In pleasant Tuscany we know
This place in years now fled,
A poet's birthplace was, and, lo!
He lives in fame, though dead.
3.-A brave and courteous people sore opprest
Have chosen this their capital;-at rest
Some sleep within its walls, yet many lie
In graves of exiles neathh a foreign sky.
*4.-Lowly bends the mother
Fondly does she kiss,
Cries the father, Bother,
fJowit cries, does this."
5i.-It-shone on the standard that blew out one moin,
When -those lines they stretched "wide through
the Waterloo corn ";
And we know who bore bravely the brunt of attack,
And each one on those standards was fain to go back.
6.-He scarce could utter rightly any word,
His voice the queerest that you ever heard ;
And still the more he tried with rage and curse,
His anger only made the words get worse.
SOLaUTION or ACROSTIC No. 85.-Junta, Spain : Jarls, Up, Naphtha,
Tumuli, Acorn.
Boy's Mother; W. C., 1I. D., and F. A. J.; Annie, Tooti,.g; liuby's Ghost;
Booboo; Ellen G. S.; Romps and Goat; Curly Greens; Two Em erprising Earwigs ;
Frank and Maria; ,Five o'Clock p.m.; Lucy and Joseph; Old Maid; Herod;
Slodger and Tiney; Tom Pipes; Derila and Ycul.
BuXNIE and KrATE.-'Very sorry, but please see rules in No. 97, New Series.

Procul Este, Profani I
ONE man," says one of the few sensible saws of antiquity, "may
steal a horse, another may not look over a hedge." This seems to
be especially true of journalism. One paper-especially a comic one
-may not poke fun at the imaginary Bishop of Rumtifoo without
being charged with profanity. Another paper-which, whateverit is,
does not profess to be comic-may travestie Scripture, and pass unre-
buked. We quote a paragraph from a playful article upon the insig-
nificant subject of earthquakes, which, as we know, are not awful and
calamitous visitations, but mere phenomenal fleabites:-
The verse in the Psalms which describes the world as being made so fast
that it cannot be moved,' was not written in Peru, and proves anew the truth of
the American humourist's remark, that they didn't know everything down in
We, who have always scrupulously refrained from jesting at religious
opinions of any kind, and who have certainly never turned to Holy
Writ for material for puns, have a right to protest against this abuse of
There' is already a Child's Bible which seems to us a sufficient
irreverence. Does the Daily Itlegraph intend to favour us with
Biblical Burlesques ?

A Look-in at Leadenhall.
PARTRIDGas are decidedly cheap this year, but, if we remember
rightly, at the early part of last season the very young birds were

Will Mr. Glaisher Kindly Explain This ?
A BALLOON ascent undoubtedly exhibits one of the most tranquil
modes of locomotion known;-a singular fact, bearing in mind that
the road is invariably "up."

and legs.

THE most hardened student of the advertisement columns must, we
think, admit that we have found him two new sensations at least. Hero
is Number One :-
.T.NTr'n'. T ...ng Man, a Situation as ImAtIn.! or Assi taut m ithe Wine
i .i lt I I First-class references.-Address A. 1., Post Oflice, etc.
The misguided youth possibly argues that, because the notorious
Female Barman has made a good thing out of her eccentricity, the
public will be equally interested in the Male Barmaid." We fancy
he is wrong there.
Now here is Number Two.
WANTED, a situation as HOUSEMAID, or HOUSE and PARLOUIt MAID, in a
private family. Age 90. Good reference.-Address L. P., etc.
We should think this gay young thing would suit those who are
always complaining that our servants nowadays are not like the old
ones. This old one" ought to meet their requirements at any rate !
We may couple-or rather triple with those two the following from
the advertising columns of a cotemporary:-
CHARACTER from HANDWRIITING.--Enclose a specimen of your own or a
friend's ordinary writing (incitioning ax), with sixty stamps, and you will
receive a description of the writer's talent-, disposition, &c., front the pen of one,
eminently successful in his delineations.
The advertisement winds up with "Address 'Acer' Post Office'"-
No! MaR. Acer, we are not going to say where, and so help you to
catch a stray bird or so! We can give, without seeing the specimen, a
description of the disposition of a man who would send his writing and
sixty.stamps to Acer. His disposition must be a disposition to let
himself be taken in. We cannot help thinly, ing that the advertiser is
too modest. He calls himself Acer, Sharp! lie shouhl have taken the
comparative, Acerior.

A City Epigram.
SAID TOM to DICK, "'Tis strange to sea
How'few now companies there be "
Said'DicK to Tom, You might have known
All bubble companies are blown."

31tziuerz ta

[We cannot return unaccepted 288. or Sketches, unless t,,' are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope ; and wue do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
SPooNEY.-The joke is not worth making a stir about.
AI.rt BEY.-Not in luck-now-Alum, bah!
A LovER OF FAIR PLAY.-You don't know the difference between a
fair play and a bad one, or between fair acting and rubbish.
G. W. (Hlackney.)-It would be clever-it it applied at all.
HEREt (Watford.)-We have fought the battle for a long time.
ARTAXEaXES (Dundee).-Our classical swell has been, if not killed, at
least Scotched, since he went North.
L. G. F. (Woolwich).-Drawing much better than joke.
THE DUFFERt.-You have disarmed us, by adopting the only title that
could adequately describe you.
IGNORANT SCJTTY.-We take no notice o(if anonymous communications.
A. M1.-Your joke about the mill-enniun ia so late in the day that you
ought to have signed yourself P. M.
NEW CLUn (Edinburgh).- Don't they teach you at your "New Club"
that a man should not deal in anonymous libels ?
SCRATCII.-You have found fault with a clause that is correct, so that,
instead of a scratch, we a-bray-shun.
F. E. B. (Notting-hill).-Your "I remember-I remember" is a thing
not to be forgotten-for badness.
F. M. (Bridgwater).-This perpetual sending of Acrostics, after our
repeated declaration that we don't want them, is a joke that begins to pall.
ROBERT AND GERALU.-That it should take two of you to make such a
joke !
L. P. (Northumberland-streel).-NonsenFe.
A ScoTCHMAN.-Dunkirk lies between Falkirk and Dunbar. If you
can't find it, let us know.
READER, (Brighton).-.Rather too ghastly a theme, isn't it ?
U C. K.-That depends entirely on its merits.
T. F. M. (Champerret).-We do not require translations, thank you.
H. E. G. (Musselburgh).-Thanks.
Declined with thanks:-A. C. L., Temple; W. M., Londonderry;
Pleasant; J. H., Berwick-upon-Tweed ; P. G.; Z., St. John's Wood;
R. W. L.; C. B., Cork; Kiddlawinks; Gardner, Ireland; J. D., Oldha ;
W. G. B., Sheerness; Grosser, Liverpool; Facetious, Thornton Heath;
Athanasius, Windsor; M. M., Pimlico; A Warwickshire Elector, etc.;
E. G., Knightsbridge; Artaxerxes; E. St. G., Liverpool; Brightonensis;
H. A. T., Strand; Ergo; Seesaw, Wellingborough; B. A. 1. ; Grocer's
Biy; Iberia; Jiggeraboo; A. J. P., Ram'gate; L. S., Liverpool ; II. C.,
Oxford ; Muddle, Hudderefield; E. H. ; J. J., Oulet; II. F., Aberdeen;
E. B., Forest of Dean; S. X.; E. E. G., Greenwich; J. K., Airdrie;
', Tunbridge.


[NOVEMBER 7, 1868.

THE Athenc m is a highly respectable paper, not very brilliant
perhaps, but occasionally giving us valuable reviews. And yet in
this dead season our contemporary has opened its columns to a gentle-
man who might with propriety be called The Snob of the Period. He
answers exactly, at least to judge from his writings, to the great snob-
analyst's description of such persons. For he positively goes out of
his way, in a review of some books on Alpine Scenery and Alpine
Adventure, to make a parade of his personal and social charms, and to
describe, for the benefit of the public, who will doubtless be disgusted
at such snobbish egotism, the recent Alpine tour which he declares he
has enjoyed.
He begins thus, after a column or so of ordinary criticism. Speaking
of Ma. BoNNEY's reminiscences of long walks and climbs, in one of the
books under review, the egotistical critic says :-
On almost any one of these topics we are tempted to start for a literary and
descriptive excursion as long a, MA. BONNsy's, and we might have something to
add which would be instructive or pleasing. Having just enjoyed nearly two
months in the valleys and mountains of the Bernese Oberland, and in completing a
delightful tour of Monte Rosa by some of the grant passes, it may be supposed that
MA. BONNEY's book is appreciated at its true value by us."
This is charming. We should like to know who cares in the least
whether the Athencemn reviewer has been in Switzerland, or whether
he remained at home in more congenial Camberwell. The "grand
passes" too is delightfully vague. We can fancy M3R. BONNEY, a well-

known and experienced mountaineer, in convulsions of laughter at it.
But the cream of the whole thing has yet to come. Not content with
letting us know he has been on the Alps, our critical snob goes on to
describe the high society he met with there. He continues:-
"we met with two foreign gentlemen of rank, who, together with their wives,
were about to take the same course at the same time. Thrown together by chance
in the same rough chalet, we became sudden friends in Alpine adventure. All five
of us walked together the next day over the glacier pass. Never did we find more
agreeable companions. Never was a baron more affable to a commoner. Never
were ladies of rank more courteous to a stranger ...... We had a pound of
first-rate tea in our knapsack. Of this we offered a share to the Baroness at the
rude inn on the evening before; and the Baroness politely requested some more on
the summit of the Col St. ThAodule .... When we came at 1,-ngth to part
at Zermatt both Baron and Baroness shook us heartily by the hand and hoped
another year to have our "agreeable" companionship on a similar excursion."
This is really intolerable. Had poor THACKERAY been alive this
man would have surpassed his "favourite snob AUBREY in Ten
Thousand a lYear "Never was a baron more affable to a commoner,"
is one of those touches said to be beyond the reach of art. It is so
ineffably snobbish as almost to be amusing, if our minds were not
imbued with a feeling of intense sorrow for the pitiful snob who thinks
it worth while to tell the world in a critical journal that he met a real
live baron the Alps. The baron he says found him "agreeable."
We can only say that we are thankful we were not the baron.

CHEAP GENEROSITY.-Giving a man a piece of your mind.

OVER COATS, 21s. TO 63s.



Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.O.-London: November 7, 1868


NOVEMBER 14, 1868.]


THE terribul condishon of them that form the popillation of the
district of London as lays westword, and especially that part as leads,
say from the corner of Piccadilly, or from Whiteorseller to the Miarbil
Harch, and so down towards Edger-road and Connaught and other
squares, known amongst the classes that are generally spoke of as
"upper," led me and a friend of mine, not havin' anything partickler
to do, and the polis having shut up everything' in our naybrood, which
I am myself a ratepayer of Bethnal-green, led me, says I, to make a
little exploration on my own account to them more distant latitoods
not often visited by the or'nary pedestrian, which since MILLs there's
not one of 'em worth anything, especially as they've as good as done
away with the Three Colts, at Old Ford, where the racing-ground of
our district once reared its head in simple grandure.
Wen I say that the time we chose for our visit was a Sunday

less district. An' what a life it is! Sloth, lugsury of the most
selfish kind-the want of any regular honest int'rost even in the
communitee of which they're a part: each dreary day follerin' every
other dreary day in a round of vishus, or, at all events, of useless
effort to find something by which they may hope to pass the time, or
to extrack a little amusement. Wot a life is thares !
To them as is familiar with the slang that forms the principle talk
of these people, it will be evident that they've almost lost all heart for
anything that is good and true. The very affeckshuns of our nature
are treated by 'em with a scorn that shines out through the terms that
they employ. To exhibit the fondness of the luvver, is "to spoon."
The filthy mixture's that they drown the time in between breakfast
and dinner they call pegs," in illusive to some gambling' term, por'aps.
And "having a peg" is their expreshun for what, in our more simple
manner, we should call sluicing our bolt." It wouldn't well become
me for to follow all the meanings of the langwidge that is intended to
describe the way of life that these unfortunate people foller. Enuff

morning' I shall be understood to have had the good of our common
nature at 'art in going' to see for myself how much truth there was in
the reports that I-and a good many more of us in the quiet retire-
ment of our own domestic life-had heard about the Sunday desdycra-
tion, and the want of common respect to the general opinion of what
was the right sort o' thing to do, that was shewn by the class of people
in the naybroods just illuded to. All I can say-and I may as well
out with it at once-is, that though in some respecks there goings on
has been a little overdrawed, in many others they couldn't well be
wuss than has been painted.
These de-greyheaded men and women, known amongst themselves,
and sometimes amongst us, too, as So-siety, are as much seppyrated by
habits and langwidge from their feller-creeturs in the same town as
though they was still livin' in a heathen savage state. Their very
talk itself is a kind of barberyous gabble, compounded of the highest
sort of slang of which the word so-siety is the most common egspres-
sion, and is capible of a enormous variety of meanings. By this, and
the "upper ten," they mean all them that has qualified themselves for
the degrayheaded life that belongs to this neglected and a most hope-
Owing to a slight mistake, our reporter, instead of accompanying our artist to
Bethnal-green, took his way westward.

that where we amongst our children should say that the plain enjoy-
ments that we could indulge in was "scrumptious," or out-and-out,"
their low appreshyashun of sensualness stops at nothing short of
"awfully jolly"; and even the class which many of the younger
men admire, and the women imitate in their dresses, and even some-
times in their talk-the class that I won't further illude to except as
"showfull pullets,"-they've applied terms to that would too much
shokk the delixy of your readers to repeat.
It is, however, at the Great Sunday getherin' that these, as well as
a good many other painful caraktrisfix is to be found. In vain may
the clergy plead-in vain, except in a few cases, do the young kewrats
hang themselves in all sorts o' colours, like reverent Guy Foxes-in
vain is needlework always bought to bear on the female sex, and the
sacred edifisk made beautiful for ever. Nothink can prevent the
Sunday desekration where to walk in the Zoo is the great atraxion
of the day of Rest. There, amidst the dens of beasts, birds, and fishes,
do these beknighted people carry on their reckreations-there the
"soiled duvs" mixes with the "rank an' fashun," and the listless
crowds that has no ears for the voice of the preeeher, carry on the
business that has brought them together-not with a common interest,
but with a effort to find out whatever they was sent into the world to do.
I close the painful subject. Yours, Boa COSTER.


96 F N P[OVEMBER 14, 1868.


1' YE painted
my life-
"An infant" (even

"A boy," with stage-
Te ambition rife-
Then "M arrived to
"The bard's first ticket
S night" (or "ben")
His First appearance on the stage,"
His "Call before the curtain "-then
"Rejoicings when he came of age."
The bard play-writing in his room,
The bard a humble lawyer's clerk,
The bard a lawyer1-parson--grooms-
The bard deer-stealing, aftkr dark.
The bard a tradesman4-and a Jews-
The bard a botanist6-a beak7-
The bard a skilled musician," toe--
A sheriff9 and a surgeont' eke!
Yet critics say (a friendly stock)
That, though it's evident I try,
Yet even I can barely mock
The glimmer of his wondrous eye!
One morning as a work I framed,
There passed a person, walking hard,
My gracious goodness," I exclaimed,
How very like my dear old bard.
Oh, what a model he would make!"
I rushed outside-impulsive me!-
Forgive the liberty I take,
But you're so very "-" Stop," said he.

"You needn't waste your breath or time,
I know what you are going to say,
That you're an artist and that I'm
Remarkably like SHAKESPEARE, eh ?
"You wish that I would sit to you ? "
I clasped him madly round the waist,
And breathlessly replied-" I do! "
"All right," said he, but please make haste."
1 Go with me to a Notary-seal me there
Your single bond."-Mi RCIANT OF VENICE, Act I., Se. 3
And there shall she, at Friar Lawrence' cell
Be shrived and married."-ROMEO AND JULIET, Act II., sc. 4.
"And give their fasting horses provender."
Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares."
-TnoiLus AND CRESSIDA, Act I., se. 3.'
"Then must the Jew be merciful."
o The spring, the summer,
The childing autumn, angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries."
' In the county of Glo'ster, justice of the peace and coran."
* What lusty trumpet thus doth summon us ?"
-KINO JeuH, Act V., se. 2.
"Ard I'll provide his executioner."
-IIHENRY THE SIXTH (2nd part), Act III., sc. 1.
S The lioness bad torn some flesh away,
Which all this while had bled."-As You LIrE IT, Act IV., se. 3.

I led him by his hallowed sleeve,
And worked away at him apace,
I painted him till dewy eve,
There never was a nobler face!
"Oh, sir," I said, "a fortune, grand
Is yours, by dint of merest chance,
To sport his brow at second-hand
To wear his cast-off countenance!
"To rub his eyes when'ere they ache-
To wear his baldness 'ere you're old-
To clean his teeth when you awake-
To blow his nose when you've a cold!"
His eyeballs glistened in his eyes-
I sat and watched and smoked my pipe,
"Bravo!" I said, "I recognize
The phrenzy of your prototype!"
His scanty hair he wildly tore,
"That's right," said I, "it shows your breed."
He danced-he stamped-he wildly swore--
"Bless me, that's very fine indeed!"
"Sir," said the grand SHAEXSPEIRIAN boy,
(Continuing to blaze away)
"You think my face a source of joy,
That shows you know not what you say.
"Forgive these yells and cellar-flaps,
I'm always thrown in some such st te,
When on his face well-meaning chap
This wretched man congratulate.
For, oh, this face-this pointed chin-
This nose-this brow-these eyeballs too,
'Have always been the origin
Of all the woes I ever knew!
"If to the play my way I find,
To see a grand SxAEspaiIzA piece,
I have no'rest, no ease of mind
Until the author's puppets cease!
*' Men nudge each other-thus-and say,
This certainly SHAKESPEAR0'S son '
And menry wags of course, in play)
Cry 'Author'' when the piece is done.
"Jn church the people stare at me,
Their soul the sermon never binds,
I catch them looking round to see,
And thoughts of SHAKESPEARE fill their minds.
"And sculptors, fraught with cunning wile,
Who find it difficult to crown
A bust with BRowN's insipid smile,
Or ToxxINS'S unmannered frown.
"Yet boldly make my face their own,
When (oh, presumption!) they require
To animate apaving-stone
With SHAKESPEARE'S intellectual fire.

" At parties where young ladies gaze,
And I attempt to speak my joy,
Hush, pray,' some lovely creature says,
The fond illusion don't destroy!'
"Whene'er I speak-my soul is wrung,
With these or some such whisperings,
'Tis pity that a SHAKESPEARE's tongue
Should say such un-SIHAKESPaRIAN things!
"I should not thus be criticized
Had I a face of common wont,
'Don't envy me-now be advised "
And, now I think of it, I don't!

iNovBMI3B 14, 1868.] F U T N 97

0 U U N-D 0 N E L E T T E R I cannot find it in his published writings. It is difficult to seaoo the
U FUN- L. point of a short story, entitled ." Ienricus, the Wise and Good,' "
---- --- unless it is intended in some inscrutable way as a joke about the late
HE genius of SIR RIcHARD MAxrm is somewhat PaNGEC CONSORT. The tone of some of the shorter papers-for
S slow in operation, if gigantic in effects. t instance, A Deficiency in the Currency and My Departed Friend"
has rested nearly a twelvemonth since it is very objectionable. It is of the flippant, shallow, would-be
conceived the dog-edict, and has only just humorous order, which is one of the worst modern vulgaratios of style.
been delivered of the hoop decree. This Here is an extract from the first-named paper. The writer meets a
latter order may be vexatious, but the bow- stranger in a railway carriage:-
ling of hoops in the street is undoubtedly After assenting to his opening both the windows, though I am subject to
Sdangerous--especially in the streets of Lon- tooth-ache, I begin with some remarks on the weather, to which he responds
readily enough, and then try him with agriculture, trade, current events, politics-
don, which are,. as a rule, paved with such anything. He is evidently impressed, but be won't talk. IHe listens civilly, but
ingenious cruelty that it is difficult enough for a horse to keep its feet after the first few replies he returns me nothing else than a more or loss emphatic
withoutbeingtripped up by hoops. So, after all, the chief objection to Just so.' At length he grows sleepy-perhaps my flow of words has rendered him
the last creation of 's majestic mind is, thait affords proof so-and drowsily muttering 'Just so, just so,' he begins to snore just as I give up
the last creation onf SidR HARD's majestic mind is, that it affords a proof my enterprise."
of the slowness with which he arrives at ideas. I am afraid he may If the gentleman talks as he writes, one can hardly be surprised
have to retire before it occurs to his genius to issue an order to thea tha feltrve le a be a b ewg babe gip sedu (r sub pit e
points with triumph to the number of hoops already seized, and boasts pressed" ?) and ended by going to sleep. There is a good illustration
proudly of the number of street curs that have beenkilled. But this to a very readable if not novel tiger-story. There is also a tremendous
zeal, flown at higher game than dogs and little children, would have sensation tale about pirates with silver whistles, who say "It and
done something considerable towards making our streets and houses talk to kidnapped damsels about "birds breaking their wings against
safe. I wish the satrap of Scotland-yard would try this, it would the bars," and all that sort of thing, "A Houseful of Babies" is
at least dus new excitement to the monotonous life of the policeman, interesting, and so is The Blind."
Scry is still they come A new magazine, the Colonial, I HAys received a copy of a new and most useful publication, The

o ecury." Is fcy they nwe tory, ne o an Ihe ranher ogo-ain ra ay.
is announLetticed-th title explains its intention, and the field at which it always and Commercial Gazetteer. It gives the locality, population, dis-
aims is a new one. It does in reality what many magazines profess to ance from London, ine of rail, is hand nearest station (uldith its distance) of
do-Crit meets a want. The other new announcement is the Morning every town andvillage in Great Briain. It also gives the charges for
tumm ery, a daily penny paper, on toned paper, intended to whip the goods and merchandise. The whole is arranged in the most simple
cream of the news. It would appear to be a sort of morning Pall M"a4 and intelligible form, and will be a most valuable guide for all travel-
let us trust without the priggishnes up and the grammatical errors, le-especially the commercial tyou may eveller. When one thinks of the
rations the Coll are decidedly belicious picture by W and one not so happy Thvague intricacies of Bradshingw, it is pleasant to reflect tat in this
byTemple ar is a trifle supply toverdone with stories, but "Sigood x Yeapers n he volume we can see at a glance by what line we must trLondon-by-vel to any
Turkomans of onglnd "The murder of Esooved," ad on aThe Transit lace we wish to visit; and not only that, but how far we shall have
of Mercuryesting. I fancy the new story, "From an Island," rather to go after leaving they listen to a symphony i B;
jerky, but abl That Boy of i Lain, whi orcotts opens with freshness and force.
Lattice Lisle runs ts coA paprse well :I wonder when we shall know
who it is that writes this series! LONDON BY-TH E-SE A.
.Belgravia opens with a new novel from a good hand. "Thorough in O, BRIGHTON in November, is what one should remember,
Criticism" is artind "cl en and nu omber, is readable. Indeed, When from town so dull and foggy we all of us would flstok-broke,
the number abounds in amusing matter-" Novelists' e of a people, Where th every sort of person of high and low degreezes we are ing,

whom he thought was misruled!" Professor of art fistic and preacher Ritualistic,
in Love and Poison," and "London Clubs," for examples. ".:A Day And away the blues are chasing at this London-by-the-Sea.
in Ancient Rome" seems not very valuable museum-work. sensation. With poet wild and mystic at this London-by-the-Sea.
to John Company" is much too historical to be good novel-reading The morning's plunge at Brill's there, it wears away all ills there,
this month. The verse of the number is up to the average-tthe ilus- How dull, or sad, or sober you may ever chance to be ;
trations are decidedly below it. The sunshine there is flashing, whilst in the water splashing,
Tone is to be a is a trifleth over thdone wrapper theories, but "Si Years in the And away dull care you're dashing in this London-by-the-Sea.
Prisons of England" and "Women and their Satirists" are good You're sure to find collected on pier a crowd protected
and interesting. The latter needed a little careful revision, however, From weather as they listen to a symphony in B;fre
notably of itsvel, L" For Hein, which reminds me that the magazine generally 'Neath crystal screens flirtation not screened from observation,
wants literary supervision at the hands of some one acquainted with YouE'enll find with consternation at this London-by-the-Sea.
th aloon. The English language A paper on intensifiedY, which would otherwise
be one of the best articles in the number, is completely spoilt by un- You'll meet there Jews and jokers, with actors and stoek-brokrs,
gra matical sentences and expressions, such as "as if The wereof a people, With every sort of person of high and low degree-;a.
whom he thought wasunding misruled profundities. Professor of art fistic and preacher Ritualistic,
The present number of assell'ni M,"agazne affords a new sensation. With poet wild and mystic at this London-by-the-Sea.,
In previous months the perusal of the magazine used to be a pleasant O'er downlks madly scamper, without a care to hamper,
task, but now on a changed tout cola! Of the many names of popular 'Tie just the thing to do you good I think you'll quite agree;
and talented writers which used to appear in the list of contents, only All worrying you are crushing, your blood is gaily flushing
one sll to be met wis seventhe wrapper this month. Bt gain!. F.W. As off you're swiftly rushing at this London-by-the-Sea.
OB WhNSO seems not to be at his best. Those who remember the
rapidity with which he developed the interest in "Anne Judge" With Amazons fast going, such tangled trsse flowing,h for ta
and "Poor Humanity" will find the opening chapters of the Such skirts and dainty ribbons in breezes blowing free!
new novel, It For Her Sake," drag a little. By the way, I should like What joy to canter faster with beauties of the caster,
to understand why the artist who illustrates this story, makes Sir en as humble rlding-master, at this London-by-the-Sea.
William Kelpdale, described as a fine old aristocrat, so very like a Then frequently there passes an army of school lasses-
pantaloon. The writer of the intensified Tupperism, which he is So full of buoyant spirits and of gladsome girlish glee-
pleased to call "Thoughts(!) in the Twilight," continues his maunder- That when they softly patter the pavd o'er and chatter,
alsg meditations, uttering truism and platitudes as if he were pro- I'm as mad as any hatteription at thind abion-by-the-Sea.
pounding new philosophies and profundities. His best effort is on
"The Trials of Men of Genius," about which he discourses so Some take a modest tiffin on bun or Norfolk biffin,
pathetically that it is really consoling to reflect that he is ensured At STRbeTweak or at Lucks's, but that will not suit me.
against the sufferings he so feelingly describes. He would have done The' folks may call me glutton, I do not care a button,
well to call his seventh paper "Here We Are Again!" instead of But have a lunch with MUTTON at this London-by-the-Sea.
"Where am I ?" "Fugitive Notes" a new feature, evidently It's flys are slow and mouldy, as ev'ry one has told ye ;
borrowed from the "Table Talk" of Once a Week-is ushered in too But its shrimps by far the finest you could ever wish for tea;
quietly. It ought to have had a grand celebration and a laying of its Its shops are rare and splendid, where ov'rything is ended,
first stone as a hospital for aged and decayed Joe MILLERS. I should Till money's all expended at this London-by-the-Sea.
like to know where, "rightly or wrongly," the joke about Is that
your own hare or a wig P" is attributed to CHARLEntS LAMB! I should If spirits you would lighten, consult good Do-ron BasosITON,
also be glad to see where HOOD wrote- And swallow his prescription and abide by his decree.
Merrily go the cabman's gees If nerves be weak or shaken, just try a week with BAcoN,
But dreadful are his woes." His physic soon is taken at this London-by-the-Sea.

98 F N [NOVEMBER 14, 1868.

Waiter at Ordinary (about to carve) :-"Now, DOES ANY GENTLEMAN SAY PUDDEN' "

A SEASONARBLE PARODY I'll tell the truth to mother, and I hope she will believe
A SEASMONABLE PARODY. I was playing quite as usual, and meant not to deceive.
MY ear rings my ear rings he boxed them very well, I was playing in Trafalgar-square, and knew not till in pain
But what to say to mother I cannot, cannot tell. Of the newest fangled edict of the great SIR RICHARD MAYNE;
'Twas thus, Trafalgar's fountain by, a costermonger's daughter I was playing innocently, till I found out by my tears,
Bewailed her hoop, for there, alas! Policeman X had caught her. That the law is just as heavy as a box upon the ears !
To me did mother give it, saying exercise was well,
But the base policeman stole it, and I think it is a sell.
My ear rings my ear rings and I say it is a shame, Dead-alive.
There are hoops on ladies' dresses, but they wear them all the same. ON reading the following advertisement, we were tempted to exclaim,
There are hoops on brewer's barrels, which I very often meet "This is the very (and)-whiching hour of night,
Blocking up the narrow paving of the very narrow street. When churchyards yawn and graves give up their dead."
In the way of a policeman 'twas unfortunate I fell; The announcement, at a first glance, is startling:-
But what to say to mother, why, I cannot, cannot tell. T JOUSEKEEPER.-A highly respectable middle-aged PERSON, who has been
th filling the above SITUATION with a gentleman for upwards of eleven years,
My ear rings my ear rings! though I think he might have been andwho is now deceased, is anxious to meet with similar one. Can be wll
As civil to a street girl as he would be to his QUEEN; recommended for kind disposition, economical habits, and household experience.-
But then, there, them policemen, I suppose it is their way Address, E.B., etc.
To enforce their manly duty on a little girl at play. When a respectable person, who has been eleven years housekeeper,
I suppose a hoop's as naughty quite as ringing at a bell, and "who is now deceased," applies for an engagement, she may
In the eyes of them swell Peelers in the region of Pall Mall! fairly plead "economical habits "-her "living would cost nothing,
He thinks when I to market go I'm trundling it in play, of course. But we fear that a defunct housekeeper advertising for a
Although it's all the exercise I get in all the day. new place is such a rarity that she is not likely to "meet with a
He thinks I am a loafer-what he thinks I little care, similar one."
When I make for the Park, which is, of course, across the square.
He thinks a hoop's a nuisance, and a nuisance he must quell; Arguing in a Circle.
But what to say to mother, why, I cannot, cannot tell. A CLASSICAL correspondent at Oxford begs that we will ask Mr.
Hle says I'm but a street-girl, and that we are all the same ; HENRY LEE, of Land and Water, whether LESBIA'S pet bird, eulogised
And I should have left off playing when in sight his highness came. by CATULLUS, might not have been a ring-dove, but was called a sparrer
But he walked, I thought, to westward, and I said to little ALICE, merely because of its proficiency in that circle.
There is something in the Levvy way I fancy at the Pallis.
y ear rings my ear rings! his heavy hand it fell CHSS-LAYING can hardly be considered a sedentary game, seeing
Upon them just for playing- and my mother I shall tell. that its followers are invariably so intent upon "the move."

if ___

I ~ / -iv

~I~iIL '-9



A very inpe)rfect 9em igisccnce of Mr. CJalderon's suggestive picture.


IF.- jo

yx ,

NOVEMBBR 14, 1868.]


IT certainly were wonderful to see that child, tho' I never could
abear it, for often and often I've said she did ought to be a-bed when
I've heardd say a thy as they 'ad 'er up till past twelve o'clock a-dancing and
a-singing, showing' off 'er talons, as was no doubt great, and 'er father
a-sayin' as she'd be a first-rate actor some day.
"Well," I says, them clever children often grows up nothing. "
"Al," he says, "she's a clipper, and I did ought to know as 'ave
been about theatres all my life."
"Well," I says, you don't seem to 'ave throve a bit," for of all the
red-nosed, seedy-lookin' parties as I ever set eyes on, it were that
MR. PuDshY, as got 'is living' by a-copyin' plays, and would set up
night and day to finish one, and then drink away all as he got, and 'is
poor wife with five on 'em left without a meal.
Not as she were to blame, for she was a 'ard-workin' woman and
never one to waste the money like 'im, as would 'ave a new loaf and
ready-cooked 'am, with fresh butter at two shillin's the pound for 'is
breakfast when flush of money, let alone hot sausages for supper, and
bottled ale with 'ot gin-and-water enough to swim a weasel in.
Not as ever I see it but once, and that was enough for me, and that
poor little KITTY a-dancin' and singing' wonderful, and 'er father kep'
on a-givin' 'er sperrits-and-water that strong till at last I couldn't
stand it no longer, and I says, Good night."
He says, "Don't go, Mas. BROWN, you're such good company." I
says, "I'm not fit company for them as will intosticate a child."'
He says, "You go to blazes," as give me quiteme quite a turn, and I was a-
'urryin' out of the room when he ketched 'old of my arm. I says,
"MR. PunsEY, aidss off if you please."
He says, "Set down." I says, "No, No, I must go."
Mns. PUDSEY says to me with. a wink, "Set down MRS. BROWN."
He turned on 'er like a savage far gone in liquor, and says, "I'll split
your skull if you interferes."
So I did set down as he wanted me for to see KITTY do 'er Migno-
nette, as he'd taught 'er to dance itselff, as 'ad been a clever man in
'is day, and a 'arlequin, as breaking' of 'is leg jest above the ankle put a
stop to.
I did pity that poor child, for that drunken sot set a-makin' 'er go
on dancing, fust a-praisin' and a-kissin' 'er, then a-cussin' at 'er and
scolding' like mad; till he fell back dead-drunk, and glad I was to get
I don't think as I see anything more of 'em for months, except thro'
meeting' KITTY, poor child, as told me she was engaged for a fairy in
the pantermine somewhere out 'Oxton way, as must 'ave been bitter
work, for the weather was awful cold, and she didn't seem hardlyy to
'ave no clothes to 'er back nor a bit of shoe to 'er foot.
I met her close agin' our door, agin' our door, and made 'er come in and 'ave a bit
of bread and butter and a drop of 'ot coffee, as is a thing I Oldss with
in winter, and says to 'er, "'Ow's mother." Oh," she says, "dread-
ful bad."
I says, "What with?" "Why," she says. "She'ad a bad fall and
haven'tt never been well since baby were born."
I says, "Mercy on us, 'ow old is baby P" "Oh," she says, "nearly
three months, and mother ain't never been out of bed since."
I says, "Is your father in work ? She says, "Oh, he picks up a
trifle, but we ain't got much more than my salary to live on."
I says, "Your what ?" She says, "My salary as I gets at the
theater, as is a shillin' a night and finds my own shoes and stockin's."
I says, My dear, you'd better go to service." Oh," she says, "I
like it, and I've got some lines to say, and 'ave got a pink dress and
silver spangles, with a lovely wreath."
I says, "All right, but," I says, "are you a-livin' where you was."
"No," she says, "we're a-livin' in Baker's-row, as is close agin' the
Pavilion Theayter."
I says, "I know, werry nigh oppersite'the London 'Ospital." "Yes,"
she says, "and now I must be goin', and thank you."
"Well then," I says, "tell your mother as I'll come and see 'er,
and," I says, "what's the best time for to find 'er alone." "Oh, "she
says, "father in general is out of a' evening .
I says, "Takes you to the theater, I suppose." "Oh, no," she
says, "me and FANNXY goes together."
I says, "Well, then I'll come some evening' soon," and off that poor
child went.
My 'ands was pretty full in them days, for we wasn't fust-rate off
ourselves, and all the children 'ad bad colds, and as to JOE's chilblains
they was awful; but when I'd got 'em all to bed two evening's arter,
and Mns. CHALLEN, she'd come in to give me a 'elpin' 'and, and
wasn't in no 'urry to get 'ome, and said as she'd stop till I come back,
and off I sets for Baker's-row, tho' it were a downright dreadful night,
and the wind that 'igh as you couldn't keep a' umbreller over you.
I don't think as ever I 'ad a worse walk, but law, when I got to
where the PuDsaEYs was a-livin' it was dreadful to be sure, the top
back garret of a housee in Baker's-row, a bit of a room, and that 'ot as
it were stiflin' thro' a coke fire. MRs. PUDSEY, poor soul, were that

glad to see me, a-layin' in 'or bed, as were a miserable one enough,
and three children 'uddled round the fire.
I says to 'er, "'Ow do you feel yourself." She only shakes 'cr 'ead
and begun to give-way.
I says, "Come, you mustn't do'that, bear up." She says to the
two little girls, "Take SAM down into Mas. MOoamIDoE's room, and
ask 'or to let you stop there a bit."
I says, "Yes, do, and here's a bit of parlymint a-piece for you,"
and off they went as lively as kittens, tho' 'art-starved I could see.
I'd brought a candle with me, and it's well I 'ad, for she'd only a
bit of rushlight, as were lat burning' away in the socket, and when I
lighted that candle and give a good look at that poor soul I see as
famine had laid 'old on 'er,as the sayin' is. I'd thought of a bit of
arrer-root and a little tea and eugar, so I set to work and made 'or a
bason of arrer-root in no time, and a tea-spoonful of brandy in it, as
I'd got a wial on, and when she'd took it she was more herself and
she says Mas. BROWN I shall never get up ag'in."
I says, Don't talk foolish." "Oh," she says, "my back's broke."
I-says, Never, or you wouldn't be 'ere," tho' I did know a party
as fel from a scaffoldin' and 'ad a bit of his back-bone in a pill box to
his dyin' day.
So I says, "'Ow did it happenn ?'" Oh," she says, quite acci-
dental, thro' me getting' in PunsfY'S way, -aswas a-comin' downstairs
in a 'urry."
I see it all in a instant, for she was oa true wife and wouldn't say
nothing again' 'er husband as 'ad no doubt been the cause, as I found
out arterwards, not as I asked 'er, for I wouldn't never show no
I was a-settin' talking' to 'er, when there came a knock at the door.
I says, Come in! and in come a dirty-lookin' woman, and says,
"I wants MRS. PUDSBY." I says, "Well, hero she is," but 1
see by that woman's way as there were somathink wrong, so I points
to the bed, and says, she's .werry ill."
Poor thing, she starts up and says, what is the matter, something's
happenedd to PunSEytvor," she says, ".to my KITTY ? So the poor
woman says, "Don't be frightened, 'MRS. PunsEY, she ain't
much 'urt."
"Oh," she says, "let me go to 'er," and tried to get out of bed. I
says, "Don't do that, there's a good soul."
She says, "I can't move; but do tell me what 'as happenedd to my
child, is she burnt to death?" "No," says the woman, "she's
only 'ad a fall and 'as 'urt 'or leg, and they've took 'or to the
hospital. "
That poor cretur, MiS. PUDSEY, turned deadly pale, and would
'ave fainted but for me a-keepin' 'er up and a-sayin' as I'd go and
see arter the poor gal, as was only at the London 'Ospital, as I goes
over to at once; and if that poor dear child adn't been and dropped
off a something and broke both her legs above the knee.
The fust thing I see in the hospitall was 'or little sister FANNY a-
crying fit to break 'or 'art, as they wouldn't let go to 'er mother for
fear of frightening' 'or. She couldn't speak to mo for cryin', so they
let me go and see that poor dear child.
I thought as I should 'ave bust out a-cryin' when I see 'or a-layin'
like a lamb, deadly pale, and the doctors 'ad done what they could;
as I see by their looks thought bad on 'or.
One on'em says to me, "Are you 'or mother?" I says, "No,
thank God."
He give me a nod for to fuller 'im, and then he says, "She can't
live many 'ours."
I says, "Don't say so, for her poor mother is a-dyin'."
He says, "She's most frightfully injured, and will be a opeless
cripple even if she was to get over it." I went back to that child's
bedside, there she lay like the driven snow, but her poor head a-
wanderin'; and she'd talk and sing and then say 'or prayers, and then
she'd seem to dose, but soon wake up with sich a scream.
I watched 'or ever so long; as to her brute of a father ha was that
intosticated as they couldn't make him understand nothing for ever so
long, and when 'is senses come back a little he come 'owlin' to the
capitall so as they wouldn't let him see 'er.
(To be continued.)

RECENT investigations have led to the conjecture that laughter is the
chief cause of mortality in the porcine race-when fit for the table, they art
so often found with "split sides."

of course.
while the English language lasts.
To SPORTING MEN.-Given, a horse that shies at everything be sees-
can he be termed a good "starter ?"


[NOVEMBER 14, 1868.


Burley :-" NONSENSE "

When fogs are yellow
And turtle's plenty,
When port is mellow-
The four-and-twenty!
When historical Guy's
Beyond reach of pity;
And when one espies
The Guys from the city;
When people say
It's November weather;
On the self-same day
These arrive together.
1.-The Bishop sat in his easy chair,
A vacant living he had to share-
The living could many advantages boast.
Quoth the Bishop, "What parson deserves it most ?"
He counted up on his fingers ten,
Nearly a dozen of worthy men-
But he passed o'er them all till he came to one,
And he was the Bishop's sister's son.
2.-She roams an exile now, I ween,
Although the daughter of a Queen.
3.-If you think cold water is better than wine
And fancy a dozen is less than nine,
If you'd sooner eat crusts than capon and chine,
And would rather fast every day than dine,
If you call a bull-dog a porcupine,
And tie up your nose with a ball of twine,
To give you this title I rather incline.
4.-" None of your sauce," say I. for me!"
And I fancy Pickwick will quite agree.
5.-To crack a crib
Or break a rib
What chap so brave as he.
Till he's grabbed,
And bagged,
And nabbed,
And lagged,
In the Penitentiaree !
SOLUTION OF ACRosTIc No. 86.-Shaft, Frost: Snuff,
Hesper, Assients, Rubrics, Pout.
4Tn :-Marsh Bay ; Mary and Ellen; L. X. Kepi; Koy-i-noor ;
J. 0. P.; Queen Mab; Funis ; Clonglockett ; Tedbury; Annie
H. and J.; Frank and Maria; Alfred and Alyth; Bunnie and

Ir a Cockney, who had never been out of hearing of Bow bells, were
to write a description of Timbuctoo, with a treatise on the manners
and customs of its inhabitants, we should only laugh at him. When
some one who cannot write English-or spell it-sits down deliberately
to scribble what he calls "a Novellette," in which he professes to
describe the life of literary Bohemians, without knowing anything
about them, his offence is more serious. The author of The Commis-
sionnaire has evidently no acquaintance with practical literature, even in
that lowest form of Bohemianism which he writes about. There is a
great deal of absurd nonsense talked about literary Bohemians, and
some of it seems to have got into this writer's head, where its workings
have produced one of the most trashy and vulgar stories it has ever
been our misfortune to meet with.
Our author is clearly one of those disappointed geniuses whose
worthless MSS. are being constantly "declined with thanks," and who, in
the bitterness of their souls, vow that all the magazines are in the hands
of a clique. "I have tried," says our author, "to break through the
charmed circle that surrounds the 'monthlies' until I'm sick of the
labour. I believe literature is degraded by the means used to keep
people out of its pale." Literature would have been spared one
degradation at least, if this miserable tale had not found its way into
print in the pages of a moribund magazine, which, however, could
afford so little space for it that, as its author admits, it is abrupt and
patchy." It is abrupt and patchy with a vengeance Its style is
coarse; its language, when it is not stilted and unnatural, is vulgar and
ill-bred; and it contains flippant remarks about living notabilities, of
which a gentleman could not have been guilty. Our readers will
probably remember poor WHITTY's clever Friends of Bohemia-the only
real picture of Bohemia we know of. The story before us has some
slight resemblance in plot to that novel, but not moie than the street
boy's caricature of the beadle bears to that dignitary. The affecta-

tion of virtue which professes to draw this picture of Bohemianism in
order to condemn it, appears to us only an excuse for the choice of a
subject that would give opportunities for fast scenes, and an introduc-
tion of the demi monde element, supposed to have attractions for some
readers. The author, however, does not know how to handle his
materials. Those who take up the book in the hope of finding it
piquant, suggestive, or "naughty," will be disappointed. It is irre-
deemably dull and repulsive.

A Scotland Yard Measure.
WHEN you hear a policeman, who has acted on information he has
received, described as that active and intelligent officer," you may
generally take it for granted that the force of the observation is not
worth much more than the observation of the force.

Pity the Poor Pigeons!
WE confidently expect to find the following in the sporting (?)
almanacks for 1869:-
January lst.-Pigeon shooting commences.
December 31st.-Pigeon shooting ends.

A Precious Sight too Clever.
MANY people pride themselves on their ability to read musie at
sight; but commend us to the man who can read it blind-fold.

all rascally shopkeepers who rob the public in weight and measure.)
Short reckonings don't make long friends.

No FEATHER-BED SOLDIER.-One who "reposes on his laurels."

NOVEMBERn 14, 1868.] F 'T N .


? HEJ deity, who wished to place
A window in the bosom human,
SThe works of the machine to
And to his inmost soul to view
Did not obtain his wish, we
But found that Jove had no ob-
To place a mirror there to show
The man himself-upon reflec-

So when one does a silly act,
Or when, alas, one does a bad
When one has said what's not the
Or when some crafty knave has
had one,
There's sure to come a quiet hour
Devoted to the introspection:
How fain one would resign the
But then one doesn't-on reflec-
For charitable deeds at times
Are mirrored as self-glorifying,
And noble deeds show up like crimes,
And jokes look fitting cause for crying.
Self-interest is mirrored where
We sought the face of true affection-
So very often does the fair
Become the foul-upon reflection.
And yet it does us good perchance
To see what faults or follies rule us,
What passions lead us many a dance,
What failings, masked as virtues, fool us.
And yet a man is apt to shirk
The self-inflicted vivisection-
It's not a glass in which you smirk
At your own image-is reflection!
But he who will not face the glass,-
Who is at his reflection troubled,
Unshaven morally must pass
With mental chin unduly stubbled.
Or on his figurative nose
A black might light without detection-
Remain a lifetime, I suppose,
Unless he saw it-on reflection.
In short, 'tis very plain we owe
Monitions likely to amend us-
But stop! Here's a hiatus- woh!-
Which valde is, I own, deflendus.
Isee you yawn behind your hat,
I bow at once to the correction!
You're getting sleepy, friend, and that
Upon my verse is-a reflection.

A Casual Calculation.
THE Pall Mall has apparently turned its attention to the remodelling
of arithmetic, having done its best-or its worst-to set our grammar
on a new basis. It gave us a profound article on Pauperism the other
day, in which it proved that charity children were quite as well
educated as-as the editor of the Pall Mall, say. Here is an extract
from it, which throws quite a new light on arithmetic:-
"A dock labourer, for example, gets 15s. a week at full work; but if he obtain
employment for nime months in the year he is rather fortunate, and his total earn-
ings would be then 28 10s."
We were under the delusion that nine months at fifteen shillings a
week would come to twenty-seven pounds. But then we don't do our
arithmetic pell-mell.

TnE result of the general elections. On-dit-cided. (Bide a wee,
and you will soon see which side wins.)

THE Olympic just at present affords as pleasant an evening's enter-
tainment as you could wish. The "Ticket of Leave Man is the best
of Mn. TAYLOR'S adaptations from the French, and it is admirably
cast-or, rather, was admirably cast originally, and has suffered from
but few alterations in reproduction. MR. NEVILLE is still Bob Briorley,
Mn. ATKINS still makes the Tiger a life-like portrait, and Ma. VINCENT
acts Melter Moss with less extravagance than he did towards the end
of the old run of the piece. Miss FARRmN as Sam Willoughby is an
improvement in the cast. She acts with great spirit and dash, and an
evident enjoyment of mischief that is.irresistible.': Mrs. Willoughby
is hardly as well impersonated as she was by Mus. STrPHSNS, and
Miss FuRTAno is less at home in the part of May Edwards than the
previous representative of the part. She would do well, we'think, to
dress it in a style anterior to the chignon period. Mn. HonU.cE WIG.N
is at his best in Hawkshaw, and in the navvy scene manages the sen-
sation illusion in a way that MR. FaECHRa might envy, great as he is
at disguises.
TaE REV. J. M. BELLEW is giving Readings at St. George's Hall.
We had not heard him for some time, and regret to remark a decided
change in his style-and not a change for, the bettor. He has become
too liberal of gesture and by-play, and hisvoice has acquired a stagey-
ness and coarseness. He is too greedy for applause, and appears to
sacrifice his author for it. But as he gets the chief of the applause
from the shilling gallery and not the stalls, it would be as well if he
reflected that he is only tickling the ears of-not exactly the ground-
lings, but of the least discriminating portion of the audience.
We consider that he takes an unwarrantable liberty with verse when
he repeats words (as he frequently does) merely for the sake of a little
by-play or gesticulation, and so utterly destroys the rhythm. When
he hammers on his desk as he speaks of a knock at the door, and
when he jumps up and down to picture to his hearers John Gilpin's
gallop, he lowers both his audience and himself. The voice, and the
voice alone, should realise the picture at a reading. Besides, when
the so-called reader is indulging in these gymnastic exercises,' he
cannot give his whole attention to his author-or even to the pronun-
ciation of English. It was probably owing to his pretending to fling
a sandbag out of a balloon that Mn. BELLEW fell into the vulgarism of
pronouncing "height" as if it were spelt heightth"
We regret exceedingly to note these growing defects in one who
but a few years since was one of the best of our public readers.

nuiutrs to fThreoubett.

[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope; and we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
F. E. S. (Yokahama).-Too far-fetched.
W. A. J. (Glasgow).-Try bill-sticking. It is healthy and useful.
A PYTsIclAN.-Too professional-the wit even is fee-ble.
G. R. (Cambridge-road).-The song was not written to any air in
A CORRESPONDENT who forwarded an extract from an Inverness paper is
requested to forward a copy of the journal.
T. G. (St. Clement's-lane).-We could scarcely read your letter, and your
Greek signature had so many English letters in it, we cannot print it.
W. S. (Edinburgh).-Not a bad notion-only you have completely failed
to carry it out.
ONE OF THE CHIEF PLATEas.-What is your little game ? We have
read your letter over and over again, but can make neither head nor tail
of it !
SocRATEs.-Don't send us such rubbish! And then to call yourself
Socrates! You will bear some resemblance to him now we have given you
a snub.
J. E. S. Q.-The original should have been sent, not a copy.
DIOGENEs.-Thank you! But we cannot notice the matter.
J. WV. P. (Liverpool-road).-The only fault of your "comic" election
address is that it is not laughable, as most genuine addresses are. You can't
touch the originals for fun!
C. W. (Leeds).-Thanks,-but we don't feel hurt by the vagaries of
"Our London Correspondent."
A. L. H. (Paris).-No, thank you!
Declined with thanks :-F. K., Lpool; Lortay; A. D., Camden-road;
E. C. S., Kelling; Seps; Sid; Duffer; H. J. S., Tottenham; Teddy;
W. S.: T. K.; H. C., Oxford; C. S., Notting-hill; H. C. M.; "Fading
Away" ; L. W. W., Strand; S. X.; Colwell Hatchney; Nemo; Frank
Incense; J. S., Fulham; A. D. T. ; E. E. G., Putney; W. B., Islington;
Blank; F. M., Dublin; B. W. W., Sheffield; W. S., Melton Mowbray;
L. X., Kepi; R., Linton-street; Native Luck; H. R. K.; A. IIands,
Lpool; J. F., Sligo; T. B., Weymouth; 3 Corners, Glasgow; H. P.;
Orsean, Poultry; W. H. B., Dudley; R. N., South Audley-street; 0. V.,
York-road; W., Cheshunt; J. R., Liverpool; Vixen; Pigeons; Venasnuf;
W. W., Limehouse; L., Portsmouth; Wiry; Anna Colonthow; Verney
M.; Paddlechops; R. S., Peckham; -. Weymouth County Club; E.H.W.,
Bath; J. W. H., Fenchurch-street; E. L. N., Derby.

104 F J N [NOVEMBER 14, 1868.

Ji L How wearily the country groans
"1 i1Beneath election spouting,
A T 1 While candidates in dulcet tones
SAre eloquent, undoubting
But that the autumn days will see
e Their canvassing all over,
AyeAnd letters twain, the fair M.P.,
S nProclaim them quite in clover.
They promise anything to win
The Senatorial glories,
TL .d a And whether Liberals get in,
Or DIzzr and the Tories,
The promises on either side
atnaeWill very soon be broken,
about' tBut voters must be mollified,
Aud so rash words are spoken.
The Tories vow to guard the Church,
The State and Constitution,
W HThe Liberals leave them in the lurch;
S- e And GLADSTONE'S resolution.
Is strong to see there's justice done
To Ireland in her troubles,
And that the battle may be won,
His energy re-doubles.
The Times writes one up first, and then
T- ... oTells quite another story,
The Pall Mall sneers at earnest men,
The Star reviles each Tory.
The Standard shouts for DIzzy's views,
The old Globe grows malicious,
They're rabid on the Daily -lews,
And on the 'Tiser vicious.
And FUN looks on o'er all the crowd,
Sr And smiles to see their capers,
SAt every dull speech laughs aloud,
And chaffs the daily papers.
A TRUE BILL. And so whoever wins the fight,
Repining would be folly,
Little does Miss VERxGEs think that the spectator finds it impossible not to We'll pray, may luck attend the right,
connect her with the announcement over her head. And keep us safe and jolly.

Aye,' said the Sparrow." Would You.
A Mr. Reonzs, of Quebec, has purchased fifty London sparrows, WHAT poet was mad enough to sing about a jolly bird attempting
and turned them loose in the Governor's garden. We do not know to draw wine from the wood ?
what he paid for the importation, but, no doubt, he will not think Tox Moons, when he sang about "the woodpecker tapping the
they're dear when he hears their cheep! cheep!" hollow beech-tree," to be sure!

Promotion. What a Story."
A New YoRx paper states that in consequence of his well-known Bir-NTUncK is not a little proud of the strength of lungs of his fir.t-
amiability and adaptability MR. HORACE GREELEr is to be raised to born. The other evening, says B., the youngster actually raised the
the as-they-appearage under the title of LORD DISA-GREELEY. house."

WE believe there is no truth in the report that an over-zealous WE hear from America that the Mormons have made no attempt to
myrmidon of SIR RICHARD MAYNE's recently locked up a decayed, secure female converts from the City of the "Plains."
attenuated feeble old gentleman on the ground that he was walking
about the street without any muscle. AFTER what distinguished traveller might a Yorkshire cloth manu-
facturer appropriately name his country seat F-Mungo Park.
again at filly-pie! House-warmings.

THE man whose acquaintance the lover of a glass of good Port All the back numbers of FUN (New cSeries) are in -print, and may be
should cultivate.-One of the has bins.", obtained at the Office, or through any Bookseller.

OVER COATS, 21s. To 63s.


50, LUJDC-AJTEr HmIf L..

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, ant pubaisaed (for toe IrapritLr) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: November 14, 1868.

NOVEMBER 21, 1'68.] F J N 105

I\, ,:'''l'lW "' .1* *"_ '1 i A COQUETTE'S CAUTION.
Sta-KNIe in my easy chair,
AMy thoughts are fluttering here and there,
My feet are on the fender:
I Beside me sits my faithful pug;
My favourite tabby on the rug,
I i rt Fills me with fancies tender.
SL I think how in those days of yore,
....N hs l o SI reckoned lovers by the score;
How now my fortune varies.
St t To-night I sit in lone despair,
I And now bestow my love and care
I)On kittens and canaries
Time was there did not come a post,
But brought of "billets doux" a host,
From writers fond and clever;
But now 'tis bills the postman brings,
Or circulars and such like things-
But love-letters-oh, never !
Once every morning brought its guest;
My knocker scarce had any rest,
My "flames" were always calling;
'Tis "Taxes" now or "Water Rate,"
spt Who turns the handle of my gate,
And knocks with zeal appalling !
I was a jolly dancer then,
A favourite partner with the men,
In waltzing I'd no equal.
My dancing now is all alone,
e y When with rheumatic pains I groan-
Oh, what a bitter sequel!
Instead of rides to coverside,
At "Clothing Clubs" I now preside,
And serve on "Tract Committees;
Instead of "parties without end
I Dorcas Meetings now attend,
Yet who my sad lot pities ?
I flirted till it was too late,
O'ertaken by avenging fate,
PROBABLY NOTI Behold in me a warning!
Young maidens do not always flirt,
21r. Sikes :-"ME AND MY DAwG AIN'T A-BIN M!ORLESTED BY SIR RICKARD Be wise, and Nemesis avert,
MAYNE, AS I xNOWS ON." And waste not Life's bright morning.

LOOKS INTO BOOKS. Strange if True.
IN his last novel, Strange Work (TIsLEY BROTHERS) MR. ARCHER THE Police N ws is determined to make on "horror's head horrors
has opened new ground and gives us some out-of-the-way characters accumulate." The other day, in the account of an inquest upon a
and incidents that have great freshness. He puts-in the scenery and child killed in a coal-mine, it stated :
surroundings with very graphic power. The vividness of some of The deceased was serve years of age, and had been employed as a hurrier in
these incidental parts-such as "Zoar Retreat "-we owe to that Messrs. Charlesworth's Castle Pit, Robin Hood, for eight years."
intimate knowledge of the life of the lower classes which made The If this sort of thing is allowed, the Factory Act will have to be
Pauper, the Thief, and the Convict so remarkable and so valuable. The amended in the interests of the babe unborn.
ordinary novel reader, who likes galloping ground, with the pack-or
rather plot-always in sight, may perhaps object to some of the dis-
cursive detail, but we imagine MR. ARCHER'S desire is to arrest the Howe-dacious.
attention of more serious readers. Indeed, if the term had not been IF Miss BECmin looks in the Brighton Gazette of the 5th instant she
spoilt by its application to books of bigoted nonsense, we should have will find a passage in favour of her theory of the two sexes of man:-
called Strange Work a story "with a purpose." "The happy man' who is to secure the hand of Lady Mary Curzon in matri-
MR. AnRcHER'S humour is kindly, and though he possesses a keen money is not the Duke of Hamilton, as has been stated, but the Marquis lof Hamil-
eye for the ludicrous he is not savage with the fools, if disgusted with ton, daughter of Earl Howe."
the follies, he depicts. The picture of Cobleigh and its inhabitants, The natural impulse when one hears that the MARQUIS o HAMILTON
and especially of the stone-laying and the dinner at the White Hart, is is the daughter of EARL HOWE is to cry out, "HowEB's that, Um-
full of fun. The last scene is most dramatically worked up to and pire ? We pause for a reply.
stirringly told.
The characters have distinct individualities, and are consistent and
lifelike throughout. If there be a fault to be found with one of them SHOT PROM A BREECHLOADER.
it must be with the parsonic hero; but if MR. ARCHER had some diffi- W Y must sportsmen invariably use Eley's Cartridges ?-Because
culty in making such a character seem probable, so has many another in pursuing their favourite diversion they are sure to be out o' Daw's.
"good man and true" before him. All the women in the story are
fine, as one would expect of the author of Wayfe Summers, in which
the heroine's autobiography was written with a curious fidelity to Loox ON THIS PICTURE -AND ON Tois.-Who is there who has not
feminine peculiarities of thought and diction. soon and admired GAINSBOROUGH'S "Blue Boy ?" We should like to see
one of the modern school of painters turn out such a picture. But, there-
the Blue Boys cannot count as gains boroughs in any great numbers now.
Wintry Warnings.
Two signs there are-two signs which tell You rarely find naval men at a civic banquet. Is this duo to their
That winter's coming, plain enough! wholesome dislike to "stowaways ?"
The one-it is the muffin-bell,
The other is-the belle in muff. Tax GREAT UNKxowN.-Tim Bactoo.




ACT I. SCENE 1.-Exterior of an inn at Digne, and interior of BISHOP
MYRIEL's parlour.
Enter FANTINE, fainting, with baby.
FANTINE;-Heavens! how hungry I am! I don't know why I
should be, for this is a populous town, and I have forty francs in my
pocket. Ah, an inn!
Enter MADAME THRNADIER from. inn with two babies.
MADAME THER.-Well, woman, what would you ?
FANTINE.-Oh, Madame, I find my baby so troublesome. Would
you kindly relieve me of it ? I will pay you handsomely.
MADAME TnER.-Agreed. Come in with me and settle pre-
liminaries. [Exeunt into inn.
Enter VALJEAN (a liberated convict).
VALJEAN.-Here is an inn. What ho! Some food, for I perish. I
don't know why I should, for this is a populous town, and I too have
forty francs in my pocket.
MoNS. THER.-No-I don't like your looks. Go.
VALJEAN.-Can it be that you do not sell food to anyone you don't
like the looks of?
MONS. THER.-It can. Go.
FANTINE.-Poor old boy. Take my advice and try the bishop. He
is not an acute old man, and your miserable appearance may impose
upon him. That is his house-the one with the side out.
Enter (into the parlour of the house) BIsnoP MYRIEL and MAGLOIRE his
MAGLOIRE.-Your dinner is served, sir.
MYvIEL.-Good. (Is about to begin when enter into parlour VALJIAN).
VALJEAN.-Forbear, and eat no more!
MYvIEL.-My son, as you will. Who are you ?
VALJEAN.-A liberated convict, Here is my "Yellow Passport."
[Shows his ticket-of-leave.
MYRIEL.-My dear sir! My very dear sir Pray sit down! Ma-
gloire, a seat for the gentleman. Dear, dear! A liberated convict 1
Poor boy-poor boy! (Weeps.)
VALJEAN.-I was the victim of a false accusation.
MYRIEL.-Dear, dear-were you, now, really ? Well, well, only to
think! My son we are all liable to that. Why, even I do not escape.
It was only the other day that the Archbishop of Paris was down upon
me for keeping a pretty plump little housekeeper with short petti-
coats and silk stockings. He said it was open to misrepresentation.
Eh, Magloire ? But help yourself-help yourself. (Drivels.)
[VALJEAN helps himself.
MYIIEL.-Now I will go to bed. Magloire, my pet, make the good
gentleman a bed in the dianer-waggon. Farewell, my son, the plate
is not locked up. The candlestick that I leave with you is solid silver.
[Exit the old fool.
VAuEAow.-Silver! solid silver. (Looks at it.) So it is. (Pockets.
it.) Now to empty the plate-basket, and then, away! (Empties plate-
basket, and then escapes out of window.)
MAGLOIRE.-I have come to see if the convict is stealing anything.
(Looks into his bed.) Ah He is gone !
Enter BisHOP MYnIBL.
MYREEL.-Eh ? Gone ? Oh. Ah. And with all the plate, too !
Enter (into street) two gendarmes bringing ia VAL.EAN in custody. The
bishop goes out of room into street.
SERJEANT.-Bishop, this man was found in possession of a quantity
of your plate. So we brought him back to you.
MIYIvEL (aside).-What right have I with that plate ? He wants it
more than I do. Plate is vanity. Comfort is a hollow mockery, and
the precious metals a mere delusion. (Aloud) Oh, you did very wrong, I
gave him that plate!
MYnIEL (the old liar).-I gave it you-you know I did. Oh my!
Oh lor! There let him go. Oh my goodness me!
EvEYnonDY.-Well, of all the drivelling old fools I [Tableau.
Five years elapse.
ACT II.-MoNS. MADELEINE'S Ofice at Montreuil.
JAv ET.-I am the usual idiot inspector of the British Drama who
never catches anybody by any chance, unless it is to allow them to
escape immediately after. The bill says I "would have arrested my
own father had I found him escaping from justice." But I should not
have found him escaping from justice. I never yet detected any one
under those circumstances, and I never shall. As to arresting any one,
I don't know how it's done.

[NOVEMBER 21, 1868.

Enter Mos. MADELEINE (the mayor), who is no other than VALJEAN, the
convict, who has got on since last act.
MoNS. MAD.-Javert, what is that noise without ?
JAVEar.-A prisoner, sir, whom they are bringing in.
Enter FANTINE very much rumpled and in custody.
JAVERT.-What, you again ? Three months!
FANTINE.-Oh mercy! Spare me!
MoNS. MAD. (most unwarrantably)-Certainly-let her go!
JAVERT.-Monsieur le Maire, this is a case for the town police.
MONs. MAD.-Monsieur Javert, this is a case for the borough police.
Release her. [They release her.
JAVERT (aside)..-He has released the. only prisoner I ever took!
Oh, I will be even with him for this. [Exit.
SCENE 2.-Court of Justice a Arras. Judge, with cavalry moustache,
trying a poor devil who is suspected of being VALJEAN.
Poon DxvIL.-My lord, I" am not Valjean.
JUDGE.-How dare you contradict the counsel for the Crown, sir ?
Take him away and chop his lheas off.
MONS. MADELEIME.-Stop! This is too dreadful. That man is
innocent. I am Valjean the liberated convict!
[AIL the gendarmes draw their swords and rush on him.
ALL.-You, Monsieur le Maire ?
MONS. MAD.-I. It is true I was set free before the first act began,
having fully worked out my time, so I don't see why you are troubling
yourselves about me now.' But I suppose it's all right.
[They seize him.
Enter JAVERT (who had nothing whatever to do with arresting him).
Ha! ha! my hour of triumph has come.
ALL.-Long live Javert, "a man of stern probity, whose name is a
terror to criminals. He would arrest his own fa-"
JAVEBT (with the modesty of true mefit).-There-thanks-that'll do.
ACT III. SCENE 1.-Corridor.
JAvEaT.-Ha! ha! my hour of triumph is come) and, my enemy, (no
: longer Mons.. Madeleine, bukValjean the convict) is in my hand!' Ha,
I am indeed, a man of stern probity, whose name is a terror to-*
1st GENDARME.-Valjean has escaped!
JAVERT.-Eh ? Well I am the most unlucky muff that ever wore
a stage-inspector's uniform! (bright idea) Pursue him!
[They pursue VALJEAN.
SCENE 2.--Fair at Montfermeil. .Rustics turning rattles. Great
Enter MONSIEUR THEnNADIER and COSETTE (the little girl that FANTINE
so considerately lejt with the THENADIERS iln the first act).
MoNs. THEa.-Ugh! yer little vagabond!
VAL.-Safe from pursuit so far. How to purchase back poor Fan-
tine's little girl from these people. Poor Fantine! She died in the
last act, in a scene which we haven't thought it worth while to repro-
duce, and I promised her I would get her child and provide for it. Ah,
(seeing COSETTE and recognizing her at a glance) here she is How much
for her ?
THER.-Two thousand francs.
VAL.-Here is the very sum. Come along, my dear!
[Exit with COSETrTE.
Enter JAVERT (always too late) and three Ucndarmes.
JAvERT.-Have you seen a man in the village ?
THER.-Yes. This is the day of our annual fair, which may account
for it.
JAVERT.-Which way did he go ?
THER.-That way.
JAVERT.-Good After him! [Exeunt.
Ten Years Elapse.
ACT IV. SCENE 1.-Commissary's Office, Paris.
Enter JAVERT and the three Gendarmes.
JAVERT.-Well, we have been ten years chevying that fellow Val-
jean, but without success. Whether it would not be better to give up
the chase altogether, seeing that he has done nothing whatever since
his discharge with a ticket of leave, is a question which it does not
occur to me to answer in the affirmative. But how well you've all worn!
ALL.-We have!
SCENE 2.-COUDRETTE'S garret, with the side out. THERNADIER and
his wife discovered.
THERNADIER.-Hush! he approaches-pretend to be ill.

KovwaxER 21, 1868.]: F J N. 107

Enter VAL.TEAN, but what he wants in this galley does not appear.
VAlwEAr.-Ha! my friends!
THE:s ADIER.-I am very poor, and my wife is ill. Give me sixty
VALrmA.-Sixty francs ? certainly. I will go home and fetch it,
and bring it back to you in twenty minutes. (Obliging fellow).
Enter VAT.rrAN.
VAWEAw.-Here is the sum twice told! (Gives money.)
THERNADIER.-We want more than that-two thousand!
VALJEAN (who can't stand this).-Wo, really-you are extortionate.
THERNADIER.-Bind him to that post (they do so). Ha! escape!
The police are coming! [Excunt thieves down trap.
i,.-.,.-:-,,l Enter .JAvseT and .te same gendarmes.
JAVERT.-What! VaTjeDan Ha, ha! This is an expected treat,
indeed! So 1ve g-o you alat Yoa tee, the cunning devices of a
man of stern probity, wesse mame is stersmr criminals, must prevail
in the long run-
VAL. (drawing a pitol!),--et so !
JAvERT (in great frigqht.---Put that pi~sl down, sir, directly.
VALJEAN (weakly).-'I wS1. There. Iipareyeir life. Spare mine.
JAVERT.-Ha! The laceo.iS on.fee.
VArEsAN.-Dear me, so 'its !
(And so it is. Great je, ERWese :'urnt ,de2w. JAVERT and VALJEAN
seen hanging to b.,, .; .3, atwrafly, cikisN. When they are nicely
browned the watf ,. i

YSuter CosTrrE and a faint youag saw, .called MARIUS.
0o T.--0 I e am to-day .to be married to.y Marius.
MA:ius.--It is indeed true.
Fttear AiAw' cold.
VAr.-nx.- Marius, I Abould tell you that the adopted father of
Oosetteis.a retiredd galley-dlave .
M.aX-us.-indeed'! 2lea I coalf',t really think of marrying her.
Zdter JAYvST.
3Awsas,-I've ma -s a fool wof myself as usual. I've ibad Slit MBan's
paranmlyingin my pocket for the last fifteen years without knowing
it. He is free! He has done nothing whatever, still he is pardoned
and free!
ALL.-He is free.
MARIUS (to great joy of audience, who are deeply interested in him).-
Then I will marry Cosette!
OURSELVES.-A poorly-constructed piece poorly written. There are
some clever situations in it, but they are quite disjointed. VWhy is
VALJEAN so persecuted after he is liberated from the galleys? Why
is-but no matter. It is very well acted by MIR. NEvILLE as the
Convict; MR. H. WIGAN as the Idiot Detective. Miss FuRTADo
plays a poor part with force and delicacy. Theisenery is fairly good.
The house on fire is capital. The slow music in the orchestra is an
intolerable nuisance.

WE are glad to see that the 'Marylebone Penny Readings are being
supported with such spirit. The names of many persons of note
appear in the list of patrons and also in the catalogue of readers. "We
miss, however, from the latter the name of SeI RICHARD MAYNE, who
we feel sure would be popular as a reader-at any rate, more popular
than he is as a Police Commissioner. He might give a Shakesperian
reading for which the following extracts may possibly suggest
"I am Sir Oracle, and when I ope my mouth
Let no dog bark."
"'Ma(y)n(e), proud Ma(y)n(e),
Drest in a little brief authority,
Most ignorant of what he's most assured,
His glassy essence, like an angry ape,
Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven," etc.
Or should SIm RICHAID prefer prose, here is an apt passage:
Doo-BuwY.-Dost thou not suspect my place ? Dost thou not suspect my
years ? Oh, that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember
that I am an ass: though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.
S. I am a wise fellow; and which is more an officer. . And one that
knows the law.. And one that hath two gowns and everything handsome
about him. .. 0, that I had been writ down an ass !"
We shall look forward to seeing SI RICHTARD'S reading announced.
Of course there will be a note to the effect that "Dogs and children
with hoops will not be admitted."


A Ballad on the Old MoC-lW.

IRRAH, Gramorcy, I wis,
and I trowe,
kynge spedde.
His flowynge looks they
S(Tare long enowe,
And a very decydcd
Singing hey no! nonny,
nonny, hey ho !
(The meaning of which
is --I truly don't

S SiSmn JAKicE he earryeth
hawho on fyste
ATo fly at hare, partridge,
or homerne.
The berne may se)ar, anoo
the partridge twysde,
Azd the hare may double

SSiging hey no! hse e,
Adonny, hey h !
(Mhough I don't sain* k Se
creatures ahe pseaaly

SmI JA xx is ionatOed on his estrere-
It's a very -good hoes to gse.
And with many a holloa! sat! sa!.and oheer,
He hawk eth e Ve goae, hbe'!
Singing heymno! aeomy, n any, heylio!
(And a very geed chorus, as chorueasgo 1)
;SM ff sX descendants no falcons .ow.e,*
Zidt their pleasure i ,9~t the same-
And pursuit a!soe, fer he poulterers know
That they all of them hawk their game-
Singing hey no! nonny, nonny, hey ho!
The present descendants of swells long ago
Are a Game-dealing Poultering (limited) Co.

Critical, but not Correct.
THE Pall Mall Gasette was. at great pains some little while since In
make known that it had never professed to be written by gentlcm( n
for gentlemen." Of course we must accept that assertion, and we can
do so all the more readily because it is merely an admission of tlh
charges in connection with which the supposed profession' was cited.
We must, however, be allowed to judge for ourselves from the evidence,
of tone and style (or what is meant for them in the P. Mt. G.), that ut
any rate it is intended "for gentlemen." That granted, the question
"by whom it is written" is a matter of profound indifference to the
world at large, and we shall, in deference to the wishes of our contem-
porary, never assert again that it is "written by gentlemen for gentle-
men." In fact we never did assert it, we never thought we were
doing more than quoting. But a paper written "for gentleman" should
be so written as not to lead its public to think it is written "by duffers."
Yet who except a duffer could have written this bit of criticism ?
The human visual organs in particular are generally mentioned with a triplet of
epithets, as "clear, grave, honest," or "big, dark, wild."
The critic is objecting to the liberal use of adjectives in a novel
he is noticing. Cannot he see that after all "clear," "grave,"
"honest," "big," -" dark," and "wild" do mean different qualities,
whereas the genius who "secretes" the expression "human visual
organs," as a substitute for eyes," is guilty of a miserable vulgarism ?
Such would-be smartness is only worthy of the music-hall cad, who
thinks it the highest wit to say "bless your visual organs" as a
paraphrase, for a coarse but at least Saxon imprecation. When our
critical friend has corrected this vulgarism, he may turn back to hi.
third sentence, and correct that. In English, we do not say "there i.;
twenty things," but there are."

Ii it be true that a man be known by the company he keeps, what a
shocking bad lot" the governors of our gaols must be.
"To owe" stands for "to own" in old ballads, passim. This doesn't say
much for the mora ity of the ancients, implying that they never paid for anything,
and therefore owed" all that they "owned."-ED. Knots and Queer-eyes.


[NOVEMBER 21, 1868.


THE following fragments are all that I have at present written.
Here is a picturesque bit for the girls to sing on the slopes of the
Alhambra-third act, first scene :-
Come away to the Sierra Nevada,
To the dance:-
On the vine-covered hills of Granada
Gaily prance." (Twice.)
Then my castanets come in. Boabdil won't play them, being a
Moor. He could have a battle-song instead; not long, but character-
istic. This is how it should go:-
Our steeds are lightly bounding,
La, La!
Hark! hark the clarion sounding,
Ta, Ta! (Bugle call.)
To conquer or to die.
Dying brrrr'm." (Drum.)
He goes off anywhere to this tune, the others crowding round him
and weeping real tears.
I have a Venetian bit in my desk, but it won't come in just here.
This is how it goes (in B flat, if possible), with rippling business
"The gondolier glides on the something lagoon,
Luraliety "
Then a passing allusion to the moon-only for a rhyme, but the
people in front of the louse like it. Stars cannot be brought in, because
they require cars (Irish jaunting cars) to make it all right. If we could
have cars (Irish jaunting ones), perhaps the word "Philaloo" might
be employed, or "Musha Grammachree "-echo doing the "hree" all
about the stage, and the orchestra taking it up with flageolets. This
might come in the prison scene, if I introduce one.

The girls ought properly to say as they come on-
Merry, merry mountain maids are we,
(Echo) are we-e-e-e!
Beautiful, happy, careless, respectable, and free.
(Ditto) Re-e-e-e-e!"
Then a spy in a mask says, From Lithuania's plains I come," and
everybody says (in imitation of echo) Um-um!" This can be made
a powerful bit of sarcasm by putting the footlights nearly out, and
making the musicians hide their instruments under pocket-handker-
chiefs to deaden the sound. The Lithuanian is then carried off by
guards, and the scene changes to something more gloomy-say a
dungeon. Chorus of under-gaolers, clanking keys major and minor.
Boabdil is pardoned at the last moment, because he saved Olozaga's
life in the quarrel. This is all that I have written, but there is plenty
more where that came from. I have it here (tapping my forehead).

An Epigram.
(Vide Cartoon.)
AN actor is the Tory Chief-a skilful one and tricky-
'Twould seem the best performance of our DIzzY is but-" Dicky !"

An "Active and Intelligent Officer"-no doubt.
A GENTLEMAN residing at Malvern, in giving his experience of the
recent earthquake in a.letter to the Times naively states :-
"A policeman on the road not 100 yards from my house knew nothing of the
shock or its accompaniments."
The idea that a mere earthquake is sufficient to arrest the attention
of a policeman on his beat is rather too rich to be passed over without
THE best vehicle for imparting archaeological lore.-A Barrow.

F U N.-NOVEMBER 21, 1868.

~-.'--- ~N -~


NOEMBER 21, 1868.] F N.

IT'S all over. The die is cast. The victory is achieved; and the
sufferages of a great people has indicated the eternal werities, and
throwed the pannuscorium of electoral purity over the palladium of
the British Constitooshun. The privileges of a free and independent
woter forbid that the past should ever be returned upon them, that has
stood in the wan and bore the brunt of the political onslaught; so that
when I confess that my sentiments has been divided by considerations,
that must ever elewate the breast of them that aspires to represent
the thought, and the intelleck of the parishioners of this important
district, I take no credit to myself but .rather pint to that statesman
than who there can never be found another, to say in the words that
has rendered him immortal afore his time : Cheer, boys cheer, what
will they say in England that expects every man to do his duty."
This, MR. EDITOR, was the peroriation of the address that I had the

There's all sorts o' men been returned; and all I can say is that a
silver tea-pot and a plated spittoon don't buy me another time. We've
all got something to learn; and if that's what you call Liberalism; give
me the good old ways after eleven weeks of it, and listening to such
different sorts o' sentiments, and hardly a touch of what I couldn't
have done a good deal better-myself.
There's been as I've said seven of 'em after one or two seats in this
parish, one of 'em was in the public line, and I have a natural respect
for him, though he was unsuccessbl, and people laughed when he said
as he'd always been for "Liberal measures," and wouldn't give a
button for a man as was destitute of "public spirit." Then, there
was a couple of flarin' hot, reformers as foamed at the mouth, and
pointed out objectors in the meeting's with their doubled fists, so as to
have 'em turned out before they could say JACK ROBINSON, whioh it
wasn't ROBINSON, but some otherson, and there was a bland candidate,
and a fact and bigger candidate, and they was all holding' meetings,
everywhere at once, and as they say in Mark-lane, where I've done a

privilege of delivering, on the occasion of the wind-up of the great
Election, in our borough, where after the arduous duty of choosing
between five liberal and three Conservative candidates, I formed the
chairman of a Committee, and set for eleven weeks in the sanded first-
floor front of a respectable public-house; for which service, if a trum-
pery silver teapot, and a plated spittoon is to be considered more than
a complimentary recognisance, I for one shall :call upon our member-
to explain his policy, the very first time he speaks on any question
before the House.
Speaks, says I, vell I've been considered a dab at oratorios myself,
at the Town liall where I have before now put the pot on, about
the way that the Union contracts was took away from local tradesmen
because of the adwerse evidence of a analysing chymist, as lives a
dozen miles off. It aint for me say much therefore about speeches, but
this I can't forbear. If I couldn't bring myself down to my audience,
better than half the candydats, that's been stuck up on platforms with
their right hands in their left weskits, for the last two months and
more; I'd eat my hat.
As to answering' questions they're nowhere, sir. They want a
former experience in the westry: and it's my opinion that no one
should be chose to represent the nation in Parlyment, as hasn't first
developed hisself as a representative of the parish at the parokeyal board.

stroke o' business in my time "quotations ruled high," though why
a man 'should be insulted with a paltry silver tea-pot and a plated
spittoon, after eleven weeks' setting' is a question that rankles deep :-
and on the day of the poll, though hired conweyances is forbid by law,
there was vehicles ready to take woters to the booth at a shillin' a
dozen, and leave 'em to get back how they could. The only wonder
to me is how such a lot of new members can ever get on in the [Iouse,
when they've had no experience in the westry, and can't naturally be
expected to understand the constitootional forms, let alone the graces
of horatry ; which such of 'em as have been in the Corporation, and
writes C.C., after their names, those who have a more dignified style
mostly, and as near like my own as possible, but not altogether equal
perhaps to cope with the Speaker, which is a different thing altogether
to a effete Alderman, or else a contempshus LouD MAYOR. However,
sir, we shall see what we shall see,-and as a mementio of the ingrati-
tude of the public to public men-even that has set eleven weeks in
a public house for the public weal-a trumpery silver tea-pot and a
paltry plated spittoon, reposes one on, and the other under, the side-
board in our front parlour, a warning to future ages to beware of the
professions of liberality, and the too generous confidence of a patriotic
A FLAT RACE.-Pla(i)ce-hunting.

112 F U N [NOVEMBER 21, 1868.

WITH certain strides this comes a-pace,
My second, numbing hands and face;
My first has scarcely cause to bless,
My second's stern and cold caress;
Be ours the task to make his home
The brighter when those days have come.
1.-The breeze was fair behind,
The flag flew out above,
I blessed the passing wind,
I whispered words of love.
She heeded not my tale,
Butleant across the side,
And breasting sea and gale,
This chiefly she espied.
2.-A Scythian tribe who went out from their home,
And played as you'll find quite the deuce with old
I Rome.
3.-We know that his daughter, poor dear,
SG Was simply engulfed in a weir,
w- R pIc e Tar The accident scarcely would suit

4.-She was always a darling I knew,
And. oh, she was fair as the day,
And tender and passably true,
And yet she'd one fault, I must say.
She got into states, say, like this,
Most awful, and still I have heard
Her pardon implore, and a kiss
Come quick from the very same word.
5.-He lived, yet 'twas a weary time,
Nor solace found in prose or rhyme;
He thought of many a far off face,
And many a distant dwelling-place;
'Twas hard to live apart, yet he
Ss For many years afar must be.
6.-It is heard upon the beach,
a lIll.k Very often in man's speech;
..T.. THA W G un -an From horses led from stall

o0ro o)(-) q:1It sounds the worst of all.So Ew
A THS SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC NMo. 87.s Fawkes, -Powder;
Flip, Arezzo, Warsaw, Kid, Eagle, Stammerer.
Chop and Sausage; The Boy's Mother; Old Maid; Sidney C.;
A capital letter to begin an electioneering speech with :-" A- Suffolk Dumpling; Uncas ; Three Carshalton Foaols; C. H.
J. 0. P. and J. 1=. N. ; Arandel Owls; Thomas and Coelings.

HERE, THERE, AND EVERYWHERE. The Perversity of Man.
IT does not appear to us that, taken as a whole, MAR. WALLIS'S WRITING from "The Horsepools," near Stroud, MR. S~AsUxL
Winter Exhibition of Cabinet Pictures is as good as it has been in pre- BOWLY, the well-known temperance advocate, informs the public
vious years. A glance at the catalogue will give some explanation. It through the medium of a letter to the Times, that he is not a member
will be seen that there is nothing strikingly original about it. When of the United Kingdom Alliance. We fully agree with MR. BowLY
we seethat 34 is "A Highland Loch, by B. W. LEADER," 39 Night, by that moral suasion is better than legislative action; but is it not pain-
A. GiLBERT," 25 Hermione, by T. F. DICKSME," 48 "Highland Mary ful to think that in the majority of instances, although you may lead
by T. FAED, RA.," on opening the catalogue at one place, we know a man to "The Horsepoois," you cannot make him drink-water V
what the pictures are like without seeing them. They are the works
of clever and deservedly esteemed painters, but they are mere repeti- Dizzy Doings.
tions. In consequence the exhibition looks more like a dealer's ex- THE RIGHT HON. BENJAMIN DISRAELI, responding to the toast of
hibition than any previous collection of M WALLIS'S. There are, "The Health of Her Majesty's Ministers," at the late Mansion House
nevertheless, some good pictures on the walls that will well repay a Banquet, said-
visit, and it is not an unhealthy sign that they are chiefly the works of Banquet, said-
young artists. MaR. PATTIRm's "Rehearsal" is good, though it is some- "I hope, when this time next year I have the honour of acknowledging this
what of a repetition. MR. THOM 's "Sheepfold" is fine, and MR. toast "-(loud cheers and laughter).
ORCHARDSON's Sick Chamber" effective. Ma. H. MOORE paints a He has fairly surpassed himself-shown us, in fact, that he can speak
wonderful truthful bit of a "Grey Day on the Coast of Wales," and not only when he is "on his legs," but-mirabile dictu-when he
M R. BOUGHTON shows his powerin "The Last of the Mayflower." MR. must have been "off his head."
BURGEoss's "Favourite Padre," is excellent-the face of the urchin peer-
ing over the priest's arm is admirable. MR. ROBERTS, MR. SMYTHE, MR. Enough to Raise one's Gorge.
LONG, and MR. DILLON also contribute good pictures. The foreign ON the memorable 9th inst. gorging was naturally the order of the
school is not very well represented, although "The Fete Day," by day in London, so much so that immediately the procession had passed
SERRURE, is perhaps the best work exhibited. every 'bus, hansom, and cab were crammed.

Till-y Valley! coNvIVIAL THOUGHT.
PRIZE Ploughing Matches should be discountenanced; they have, THE Englishman's favourite arithmetical exercise.-" Three times
we fear, led many a young man to have "a hand in the till." three "-with "three more for the ladies."
BETTER THAN WAITING FOR A TURN OF Lucx.-Turning an honest THE FREEDOM OF THE CITY.-The reception given to strangers at
penny. the Stock Exchange.
A THIRST FOR LITERATURE.-Reading a book "half-bound." "THE Top OF THE MORNING."-A good spin before breakfast.

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