PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY W. ALDER,
80, FLEET STREET, E.G.
HE loaded wains proclaimed the waning summer. The
year at Midsummer Day had shown a disposition to
halve. A little later it had shown an exposition at
Have; and now it had arrived ata superlative harvest.
hThe fields were peopled with virtuous villagers:-
villagers are always virtuous at harvest time because, as JUVENAL
has observed, Nemo reap onto fit turpissimus." Although it
was the sickle-y season, every face glowed with health. All was
contentment and gaiety; even the firmers did not put forward
the cutting of their corns as a lame excuse for sadness. Everyone
was bent on getting in the crops by hook or by stook. The rural
population, armed with reaping-blades, constituted a peaceful army,
officered by commanders-in-sheaf.
The golden sun had shed his splendour over the ripe cornfields,
until they were ready to shout for gleo. At any rate each individual
field became one continuous yeller. Even the poppies blow till they
were red in the face. What did they blow ? you ask. Were they
not performing on the corn,-eh?
Every farmer had come a heavy crop er this fall, and was any-
thing but cast down in consequence. In short, the agricultural
interest was furrowly satisfied, for the harvest was more than up to
the Mark "-Lane.
And if there were rejoicings over the harvest of wheat, there
was no less merry-making over the harvest of wit. While the farmers
were binding their sheaves, FUN was binding his seventh volume,
among the incessant hurrahs of the public and the endless 'oar-
'ears of corn.
He gazed benignantly on the happy crowd that surrounded the
loaded wain, and smiled not unkindly on the poor people who came to
glean in his field, for he had a tender heart, and not a stern Chester,
that would send a poor gleaner to gaol for seven days.
While FuN was thus surveying the field of his labours, and
reposing on his sheaf-d'ouvres," he was aware of a gentleman who
was approaching him.
The stranger wore a black frock-coat and an anxious air. On
his brow were seated a careful expression and a now hat. His bosom
was filled with contending emotions and covered by a white waist-
coat. He was, to be brief, attired in the height of fashion and plunged
in the depths of thought. Drawing near to FUN the now-comor
made a low bow and addressed that potentate.
Most renowned and puissant FuN, I have ventured to seek you
here to ask your aid and advice."
You have found me, sir, although you sought me in wain I
What can I do for you ?"
What can you not do ?"
" I cannot do one thing-waste time which is of infinite value to the public. Who are you ?"
" I am the REPRESENTATIVE OF THE NE, ELECTORS "
" What do you ask of me ? "
" Some definition of my duties. I want a rule of conduct. Bc my guide, philosopher, and friend."
I shall be very glad to do so. In what particular way can I assist you at this moment ? "
By giving me a model on which to frame my address to my constituents."
"Listen, thnn said the puissant FuN, and standing up in the waggon, he made the following speech, amid the rapturous
applause of the m.,embled multitude. '
GENTLEMEN !-I come before you to-day to request the honour of representing you in Parliament. With my opinions
on general politics you are already acquainted. I would be Conservative of all noble institutions, and Liberal of all needral
reforms. Should you return me you will find me adhere faithfully to the performance of my duty t.:.Iwrds you-the duty' or
honestly and fearlessly representing you. Some Members of Parliament are fond of using a bit 'of :. .venient clap-trap to, the
effect that they are "representatives and not delegates,"-and you will generally find that ihby ari',_te this representative
character just at the very time when they have been misrepresenting their constituents. My view' of t.ht' duties of
representation is different from this. I shall always be ready to be guided by your opinion- -not the opinrdoti or individuals,
of course, but of the whole constituency to be gathered by general meetings, and com'municated to oie by'deputitiion. I
consider that the intercourse between the representative and his constituents should be continuo-io.3, in-tead of'bein' c'on fintd to
election times, and a flying visit once a year. By frequent conference we shall both be benefited : and although I shall ex pect
you to be guided by me in matters of policy, where my knowledge of the internal workings cf the H.us4ebf Oodmw6rrs indu_-s
me to differ from your views; yet I should feel it my duty to restore to you the honourable troat you i:ornfr on ne if fi nd 'our
opinions at variance on any great principle.
I shall devote my time and attention to your interests and the interests of the country at large. But I feel sure you
will not begrudge any effort I may make on behalf of any of the very numer.-in classes that have'f fspecial rcprc.sentatires tf
Parliament to ventilate their grievances or advocate their claims: -
Should you do me the honour to elect me, you may feel assured that I shall never sacrifice your interests for my 'wcn, or
give up principles for place. I hold that the subordinate offices under Government should be nurer..- fo:r N6une- arid talintadl
statesmen, who ire ready to devote themselves to learning the off, i.il w:.rk of Ministries. Thi.v sh.-.uld not be iaidt bsyl',n
for worn-out partisans. Constituencies may be proud of a representative who achieves ple:-e when it niman_ power, but they
will do well to dismiss one for whom place means pension. I have now laid my programme bcIore yt'u. gentlemei.'- Vou will
record your opinions of it to-morrow at the poll."
FuN sat down again amid loud cheers.
"I am extremely grateful," said the Representative of the New Electors. "I shall profit by the lesson you ]have read me.
A thousand thanks!"
Don't mention it. If you do your duty you will always have a friend in me. If you are returned, remember that your
strongest efforts must be directed to the breaking-up of the Railway Tyranny. The Dir.ctors must be taught that they may
not lock people into carriages, and burn or smash them-that they are not t6 convert the'monopoly we grant them into a means
of grinding the faces of the poor, by compelling them either to pay exorbitant fares bf to give' up the idea of escape from
smoky stifling London courts." "' .-2 n ,V ;^ -, '-
I will obey your directions. But why do not you go into Parliament, most illustrious FUN ? "
The great FuN smiled a pleasant smile-" Because it would not be centritutional;: Look into your BLACESTONE, ir.
The principle of the British Constitution is Commons-Lords-and Fra. I' k6e thebther two assemblies in order.": "
"Quite true," said the Representative of the New Electors. "I apologise for my forgeffulness. To the Houses of
Commons and Peers we are indebted for the Statutes-to you for- '
"Exactly so!" said the potentate, "for-
pe katP'nl f ronlume of 4l'e c Age of 1 $rn.
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
UT a very few years ago the boldest of the
/ prophets-even DR. CUMMING himself-might
} have hesitated to foretell the Premiership of
MR. DISRAELI. Then it seemed the most
unlikely thing to happen ; now it appears to
~b he the only proper thing. Indeed, the new
First Lord is to be congratulated, for a happy
S combination of events has arrived at the very
moment to assist him to the elevation at
which he has so long been aiming. For there can be no doubt that
he has always placed this prize before himself-even when sinking
into his place after his ill success in his maiden speech. "The day
will come when you shall hear me!" meant not merely the empty
success of oratory, but the solid prize of power. Well, as I said
before, he is to be congratulated. It is no slight thing that one who
has always created more surprise than admiration, and who yet has
been infinitely more admired than loved, should have wrung such a
victory from Fortune. He is truly ab omni part beatus"-by which,
let me add for the information of the classical scholar, I do not mean
"blest by all parties."
Belgravia this month has a very charming morceau of verse by MR.
MORTIMER COLLINS, a pleasant essay, very brief, by MR. SAWYER, on
"Nice Girls," and a good paper by Mn. THORNBuav. Saint May "
is neatly written. The Mudie Classics by BABINGTON WHITE,
begins impertinently with an explanation, and ends childishly with a
twaddly story. MR. WHITE had better return to translations, his
originality is ridiculous when not rude. Miss BRADDON writes a decent
set of verses, and the whole number, barring the illustrations, which,
owing either to artist or engraver, are inferior, is a good one. In the
Cornhill, Miss EDWARDS gives us another excellent picture, and almost
eclipses the splendid diaughtsman who supplies the other illustration
to this number. A paper on Defoe's Novels is capital reading, and
the last chapters on Talk," will be welcomed not solely because they
are the last. London Society is scarcely up to the mark in the illustra-
tions this month, though it has the able services of MR. JOHN GILBERT,
Ms. CHARLES KEENE, and MR. A. W. COOPER to carry weight. The
weight is contributed chiefly by FANE WOOD and G. BowEs "-
the latter in the first cut to Our Dinners" draws an arm with a
decanter at one end, and something meant for a man at the other, that
will startle our best anatomists. Ms. BuCHA.ANi tells a dramatic
story briefly in his "London Lyiic," which contains one line that is
I did not griere-the loss was too dirine."
The rest of the literature is up to L. S. standard-except the Cambridge
sketch, which is an old practical joke enlivened with old johes. Rout-
ledge's Magazine for Boys, with which I am three numbers in arroer,
begins the new volume capitally, and should add to its popularity
greatly. Le Follet holds forth expectations of more reasonable fashions,
especially in the matter of chignons.
IN St. Paul's we have one of thosa clever lifelike bits of drawing
with which MR. MILLAIS occasionally favours his admirers. Our
Programme for the Liberals" is a sound political essay, and there is
an admirable paper on Fashion in Poetry," and the number
altogether is good, solid yet not heavy. The Sunday Magazine is strong
in its illustrations, the large picture to the Seaboard Parish being
particularly fine. That story and the "Retired Lifo move on with
interest. In Good Words the gem of the number is" A Working Man's
Courtship "-I have read nothing so true and natural for an age;
-there is little more than three pages of it-it consists of letters, and
yet the story is full of deep interest already and all the characters live.
As for the Laureate's lines, like too much he has given us lately, they
are quite unworthy of his reputation. The profane will call them
twaddle-and I must own they tempt one to be profane. They are
far better illustrated than they deserve, though the very fine drawing
and telling engraving are lost through bad printing. It is a great pity
MEss8s. SrRAHAN's magazines are not better printed, they deserve to be,
and at any rate there is no practical reason why the largo cuts should not
be. The other illustrations in this number are good, especially those
to Hero Harold." The Argosy is weak in its art,-variety would bo
charming beyond measure, for one is tired of the very old-fashioned
Pras-Raphaelitism of its artist. There's a good ghost story in this
number, and some verses by MIss GVEENWELL are musical and pleasant.
The Gardener's Magazine is noticeable for a pretty account of a pair of
robins in a fernery. The musical publicare amply catered for in Hanover
Square, Bond Street, and Exeter Hall, the latest comer, devoted to sacred
music. In the first-named there are some most musical words of
MR. SWINiUitNE's, set to a delicious melody by MA. MOLLOY.
I HAVE received another number of the Elizabethan, the Ipswich school
magazine. It bears out the promise of number one. Its verso is ex-
cellent, and one rarely meets with decent verse even in the grown-
up" magazines nowadays. I am particularly pleased with
VOL. VII. A
[MARCI 14, 18G8.
THE HOST, THE GALLANT, THE PAEL,
AND THE PfOBLIN.
ER unreclaimed suburban clays
Some years ago were hobblin'
An elderly ghost of easy ways,
And an influential goblin.
B SThe ghost was a sombre spectral
r The goblin imp, a lithe young
d.A fine low-comedy bogy.
And as they exercised their
Promoting quick digestion,
They talked on several curious
And raised this delicate ques-
"Which of us two is Number One-
The ghostie, or the goblin P?"
And o'er the point they raised in fun
They fairly fell a-squabblin'.
They'd barely speak, and each, in fine,
Grew more and more reflective,
Each thought his own particular line
By chalks the more effective.
At length they settled someone should
By each of them .be haunted,
And so arrange that either could
Exert his prowess vaunted.
"The Quaint against the Statuesque "-
By competition lawful-
The goblin backed the Quaint Grotesque,
The ghost the Grandly Awful.
"Now," said the goblin, "here's my plan-
In attitude commanding,
I see a stalwart Englishman
By yonder tailor's standing.
"The very fittest man on earlh
My influence to try on-
Of gentle, p'raps, of noble birth,
And dauntless as a lion!
Now wrap yourself within your shroud-
Remain in easy hearing-
Observe-you'll hear him scream aloud
When I begin appearing !
The imp with yell unearthly-wild-
Threw off his dark enclosure :
His dauntless victim looked and smiled
With singular composure.
For hours he tried to daunt the youth,
For days, indeed, but vainly-
The stripling smiled!- to tell the truth,
The stripling smiled inanely.
For weeks the goblin weird and wild,
That noble stripling haunted;
For weeks the stripling stood and smiled
Unmoved and all undaunted.
The sombre ghost exclaimed, "Your plan
Has failed you, goblin, plainly :
Now watch yon hardy Hieland man,
So stalwart and ungainly."
"These are the men who chase the roe,
Whose footsteps never falter,
Who carry with them where they go,
A smack of old Sit WALTER.
Of such as he, the men sublime
Who lead their troops victorious,
Whose deeds go down to after-time,
Enshrined in annals glorious!
" Of such as he the bard has said
'Hech thrawfu" raltie2 rookie !3
Wi' thecht4 ta' croonie5 clapperhead6
And fash'1 wi' unco pawkie5!'
He'll faint away, when I appear,
Upon his native heather ;
Or p'raps he'll only scream with fear,
Or p'raps the two together."
The spectre showed himself, alone,
To do his ghostly battling,
With curdling groan and dismal moan
And lots of chains a-rattling!
But no-the chiel's stout Gaelic stuff
Withstood all ghostly, harrying,
His fingers closed upon the snuff
Which upwards he was carrying.
Fur days that ghost declined to stir,
A foggy shapeless giant-
For weeks that splendid officer
Stared back again defiant!
Just as the Englishman returned
The goblin's vulgar staring,
Just so the Scotchman boldly spurned
The ghost's unmannered scaring.
For several years the ghostly twain
These Britons bold have haunted,
But all their efforts are in vain
Their victims stand undaunted.
This very day the imp, and ghost,
Whose powers the imp derided,
Stand each at his allotted post-
The bet is undecided.
Thrawfu'-baked potato. Raltie- seventeen.
S1orkie-neuralgia. Thecht-underdone. Croomie-a Zoetrope.
o Clapperhead-seldom. Fash-speculate.
s Pawkie- I forget what pawkie means-perhaps stewed mushrooms.
MARCH 14, 1868.]
The Platform. Twixt eleven and twelve. Lights down. BoxES, POMPEY,
SAMBo, and other fiyures indistinctly visible.
BoNEs.-Ho, Kolimbe !
POMPEr.-Did you speak, Bones ?
BONEs.-Me speaked ? No, I didn't spoke. I merely said, Ho,
PoMPEY.-Was that all, Bones ?
BoNEs.-Yes, dat was all. Didn't you spoke something?
BoNEs.-Oh, I thought you did. I thought you asked me if I didn't
spoke afore you speaked. H'yah, yah! I say, Pompey.
PoMPEY.-Well, Bones ?
BoNES.-Who do you s'pose I met round de corner just now,
POMPEY.-Can't say, I'm sure, Bones.
BoNES.-Oh, I met somebody roun' de corner, and he did spoke
PoMier.-Indeed, Bones ?
BONEs.-Oh, yes, that's so. You should have heard him spoke.
He called me his forlorn and unconsidered broder.
PoMPEY.-You amaze me, Bones.'
BONES.-Yes. "My forlorn and unconsidered broder," he says ;
"nevertheless, thou, too," he says, "occupying certain cubic feet of
space, and having within that visible temporary figure of thine forces
both physical and spiritual, art not only a clothes-simulacrum," he
says. H'yah, yah, yah! You should have heard how he went on.
H'yah, yah, yah! More than that art thou," he says, Capabilities
thou hast," he says, "if only of the faintest. Not all of thee is black
tail-coat," he says ; "shirt-frill, wristbands, collar, waistcoat, breeches,
named in cant-euphemism of Jolly Dogs, Great Vances, and other the
like mournful persons-of whom let your moral-philosophy take heed-
ful note-' bags'." H'yah, yah, yah !
PoMPEY.-What more did he say, Bones ?
BoNEs.-I didn't stop to hear what more he said. It was about
pumpkins, though, and human stupidity, and apes of the Dead Sea,
and immeasurable phantoms, and rotten boroughs, and flunkeys, and
rushlights, and immensities, and economy, political and other, ground
in eternal machine-music, not musical-deafening, soul-bewildering-
and upholstery, and fashionable novelists, and tobacco-smoke, and
Downing-street, and able editors, and quacks, and wind-bags.
PoMPEY.-You say you didn't stop to listen to all this, Bones.
BoNES.-No, I come away.
PoMoPs.-How did you hear it then, Bones ?
BoNEs.-How did I hear it ?
PoMPEY.-Yes; if you came away, how did you hear what your
friend said ?
BoNEs.--He came after me.
PoMPer.-Mother kissed me in my dream.
BoNEs.-You don't say so !
-Et cantant ones.
The Law of Music.
IN the case of WOOD v. BOosEY it has been, ruled that, the former
having bought the copyright of an opera, and having also bought
an adaptation of that opera, but registering the adaptation in the name
of the original composer, and not that of the adapter, it is com-
petent for the defendants to publish the adaptation. In other words,
an adaptation becomes a separate copyright, and must be registered
as the original creation of the adapter. What would MEssas.
BoosEY say to such an application of this decision as the following ?
We will put an imaginary case :-Suppose they should prohibit
the use of the music of the Grande Duchesse in a burlesque-at
the Queen's Theatre, say. It is hardly probable that they would,
for they make it a feature in their advertisements of the music
that it is played in all the burlesques. Nevertheless, violently
supposing they issued an injunction against the use of their copyright,
what would they say if Ma. WALLERSTEIN "adapted" the airs, and
registered his "adaptation" according to the law of the case of WOOD
v. BoosaY ? Not that MR. WALLERSTEIN would try such sharp
practice, for he is a gentleman. In point of fact, he did not.
A Grim Reality.
Tan distressing privations of the poor have been described by eye-
witnesses with such photographic minuteness of detail that we are led
to suppose that the writers must be acquainted with at least one
branch of the beautiful science-we mean the Dry Plate system.
SUPERFLUOUS SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.-WOODCOCK'S little Game.
OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
SoMR books come to us like old friends-to be welcomed, not criti-
cised-for they are old friends of the public too. Such a book is the
new edition of the Poetical Works of Samuel Lover. We all have about
twenty favourites, for which we shall look the very first thing in the
dainty pages of this now edition-and here they are sure enough, I'm
not myself at all" and Molly Bawn and Molley Carew" and
" Native Music and I'm a ranting roving blade and-but stop !
We are transcribing the list of contents: and small blame to us, for
they are all so good it would be a shame to make any invidious
distinctions," as the undergraduate said when the Examiners asked
him which were the Major and which the Minor Prophets. To be sure,
we may go so far as to give the preference to those which it has been
our pleasant privilege to hear sung by their author.
The preface to the new edition is a valuable essay on song-writing,
which we. cordially recommend for the general perusal of the public,
and the particular study of those music publishers, who know about
as much about songs as monkeys do of the Differential Calculus.
The volume is turned out in good style, with clear type, capital paper,
tasteful and appropriate binding, and plenty of illustrations; in short,
the poems have been well treated, but not better than they deserve.
Ma. LovER's songs will, we are sure, find a hearty welcome in their
new form from all of us-English, Scotch, Welsh, or Irish-though
these last have the best claim to be proud of the singer of-
Native music, beyond comparing'
The sweetest far on the car that falls.
THEY always come about this time of year -
In fact, they couldn't come at any other;
And like great guns, they're often most severe,
And kick up dust enough a man to smother.
As for their name, if you perchance should know it,
Your probable remark's a rude one-" blow it!"
A remark that our cat
Considers quite pat,
Whatever she's at:
Although, as to that,
It's not what she'd say to a mouse or a rat.
When you travel in the East,
In the Sultan's terri-tory,
Ev'ry other man at least
Whom you meet is sure to glory
In this title, which you'll hoar
Very often, it is clear.
"Aroint the witch!"
This little switch
Defends us from thy spells;
Who owns the charm
Is safe againstt harm
From you, the Scotchman tolls.
If you knew it
P rhaps you'd chew it-
Though it isn't right to do it.
Friend of BACCHUs-
And of VENUS, too, a mate you !
Scholars fite you-
Schoolboys hate you-
But how very few translate you!
ANSWER TO AeaosTIO No. 51.
8 Starch H
N Norvy Y
O Onoirodynia A
W Wodanio C
DI Doblai I
B Ratten N
0 Oubit T
P Patch S
So.vrTIONS or ACROSTIC No. 51, RFCITED MARCH 5th :-None correct.
8 *8 FIU N. [MARCH 14, 1868.
"DON'T MENTION IT, I BAG I "
ronpri t"r of Cover (who has a better character for preserving game than for preserving foxes)
THERli MYSELF ONLY A SHORT TIME AGO !
BAD STYLE I ,
I MET a little fairy child, '
I ler hair all thread of gold; ;, I-, .
Not orderly, but neatly wild, -
A sweet smile somehow broke away, .
From out her eyes of blue; *
And laughingly it seem'd to say,
Unto the partner of my heart,
I turned and heaved a sigh ;
To her all anxious to impart,
MIy wildest ecstasy.
She, merely looking towards her toes,
eWith hardly half a smile ,
Replied, just turning up her nose, Al
:-" O1, YOU'RE SURE TO FIND : I SAW A FOX
After Tennyson's Last.
TENNYSox stood in the wet,
And he and his publishers met,
His publishers cursing and swearing,
And they said "0 Tenn) son tell us,
Have you anything good to sell us,
The public mind it enrages,
To read such bosh by pages,
' The Victim' was little better,
And oh! that Spiteful Letter.' "
They spoke, their poor hair tearing,
TENNTSON poe-ms rehearsing,
Publishers cursing and swearing,
TENNYSON swearing and cursing.
"Yes! pretty! but bad style! W ,, hat Cheer !
A YO wG lady, whose acquaintance
Easy to be Wise after the it is our good fortune to enjoy, is
Event. .... of so merry-hearted a disposition that
mi.gh she declines to play on any piano or-
THE police, it is said, believe that -- namented with "fret-work."
they now have the chief movers in 1e
the Fenian Brotherhood in custody. -
What an infinity of misery and W ee Nthing Like
immensity of expense an ordinary W see that some one is adver-
amount of intelligence and foresight And this is how he saw it tising that he has received a stock of
might have prevented! We should eland leather from Russia for boots.
not then have had the mortification of I We suppose the material is used
knowing that KELLY and his notorious companion are free and DEAsY in Poland for the manufacture of dancing boots, as being specially
still. suited for the 'eel-and toe of the national polka.
SENSIBLE NAME FOR THE FLOWING BOWL.-A Beaker. CHICK-WEEn.-A Penny Pickwick
TJ U N.-MARCH 14, 1868.
AND THE WOOLSACK.
MARCH 14, 1868.] FU N.11
MRS. B RO W N IN AMERIC AK I hadn'tt got werry far down that 'ill, as were downright glass for to
walk on, when I heardd a shoutin' behind me, I didn't dare to turn
THE BOTS. round for fear of slippin' but 'urried on, when there come such a shoutin'
TALK of devils in garnet as the sayin' is, it's only another word for as made me turn round a little, and if I didn't see dozens of them boys
boys, as is a nuisance all over the world as is their natures to, but a-layin' on their stomicks on them sledges a cumin' slap at me full
'Merrykin boys is enough for to make you wish as they'd never, come pelt.
into the world. I tried for to get out of the way, but law bless you the middle of the
I'm sure the life as the boys 'as led me since I've been 'ere nobody road was the only spot as I could keep my footin' on, so I tried for to
wouldn't credit but them as see it, for as to tellin' about 'em it ain't run a little bit but 'adn't no time for to do nothing, for all them boys
no use, for even BaowN, he only laughs at me, a-sayin' as boys will be and their sledges was up with me in no time and seemed all to come
boys. I says, Let 'em be with all my heart, and a nice trouble, too, behind me at once.
even in infancy as will seldom cut their eye-teeth without conwulsions, I was a-goin' to turn round and face 'em, but was swep' clean off
and 'ave knowed 'em myself at death's door in being weaned, as shows my legs, and fell back'ards among all them boys, and away we all slid
temper from the cradle, for I've seen my JOE would pull a cup of tea together ever so far and then upset.
scaldin' 'ot all over you in a instant the day as he were short-coated, Parties give a rush at me and dragged me up and sets me on my
and only six months, and there was poor MAs. 'AaPER as took a pride legs, and one says, "You're a nice old blather 'ead to go and set on
in her fust, and would make 'im wear caps with a noble cockade, as boys like that as might have smashed 'em with your weight.
he'd tear to ribbins in no time, and dribble himself through and I says "Where's my umbreller ?"
through with a silver coral as 'is god-pa give 'im, and got a topper with They says You've been and dropped it."
it over 'is Lald 'ead thro' not a-knowin' 'ow to 'old a child, and lost I says "It was knocked out of my 'and by them boys and I'll 'ave
'is temrn-r and throwed 'im on to the sofy that wiolent as might 'ave it; but law bless you there ain't no law nor order to be 'ad, for when
broku is neck, and no loss neither, for he turned out a bad lot, and run I told the perlice, as come up, he only says You must go about with
off to Australier, and is livin', I'm told, in style, as '11 be sure to come your eye-teeth skinned here or you'll lose your 'ead."
'ome to 'im in the long run, no doubt. I was that shook with the fall, as if it 'ad been a Christshun country
As I was a-sayin', of all the limbs of Sattin its'Merrykin boys as'll I'd 'ave gone 'ome in a cab, but there ain't sich a thing to be had,
haim at you with a loaded pistol and then turn round and say as it were and when I come to look for it if my redicule wasn't gone, so I couldn't
only the bow on the crown of my bonnet as they wanted to see if they get across the terry thro' not 'avin' the money, as hadn'tt no more about
could cut off sharp over the pailins' and me a-standin' on the steps a- me, except what I carries about, sewed up where is best know'd to
waiting' for Mus. SKIDMORE, and made sure as I was dead, with the myself.
bullet stuck fast in the back-door, as I'd shet behind me through only I'm sure the work as I 'ad to get back 'ome, as only was managed
a-puttin' my nose out for to see if it was that cold as I might require by 'oldin' on to the railin's nearly all the way, for bless you, the
another shawl at night a-comin' 'ome. 'Merrykins won't sweep away their snow from before their doors, as
It give me that dreadful shock as go out I could not, and when Mis. freezes over and over agin, and all I wishes is as them as don't sweep
SKIDMORE went round herselff to complain to their mother as is a quaker it up was the ones to fall, as never happenss to them as it would serve
she called me a old flat to wear sich a thing on my 'ead, as is a right, but only to innocent parties as is took unawares.
lovely bonnet, and did used to be all the rage when I fust married, as But what aggrawated me with them boy's was when I was a-wnlkin'
I've 'ad it turned and altered thro' 'avin' been one as bent down in up that 'ill, if they didn't take and fuller me, a-'ootin' at me, and usin'
front like what Queen Caroline wore the day as she went down to be such 'orrid low-lived expressions about me, and 'ad to crawl'ome werry
crowned at Westminster with the church door shet in 'er face, as she much shook, as was at fust afeard as my back was broke, the same as
took it so to heart and never 'eld up 'er 'ead again, the' they do say happenedd to poor Mn. WALSH, as lived in Pitfield-street, 'Oxton, as did
a-takin' of laud'num on the top of magnesia were 'er 'ead, and 'er used once to keep a coal and 'tater shed in 'Oxton Old Town, and went
name struck out of the prayer book as was werry wrong, for if a bad to see 'is married daughter Boxin'-day, and stepped on a slido and fell
woman she wanted their prayers all the more, not as the 'Merrykins that violent agin a man as 'ad a basket of crockery on 'is 'cad as sent
knowed anything about 'er no more than if she 'adn't never lived, and 'im a-flyin' into a baker's winder, as were plate glass, as 'ad made a
in course thro' not 'avin' no Kings and Queens is that ignorant, fortune with down agin to even money," as 1 never could make out o
but I'm sure any one as is King over them did ought to 'ave a loaded sevenpence can be called even money, and 'ad to pay for the crockery
cannon constant ready every instant, for if he didn't blow them to as wasn't no great walue tho' a 'eavy load on the 'ead, and sp'ilt 'is
atomies they would 'im pretty quick, as was obligated to be shot down pleasurin' with a lump on 'is back- bone spine as big as your fist, and
by hundreds as Mus. SICIDMOR'S own aunt see 'em herselff last' July never the man to walk as he did before, and never set up straightthro'
four years from 'er bedroom winder as wanted to burn all the little want of strength ; but Mis. SKIDMOnE, she put me on a plaister as
black babies as is orphins in their beds. seemed to draw out the pain, tho' bruised frightful, as was no doubt
But as I were a-sayin' the boys is that awful in their behaviours as thro' me a-comin' in that violent collusion with them boys again the
it ain't no wonder they grows up what they are, as goes to Sunday kerb-stone, as ketched me that sharp agin my 'ip, the' I didn't feel it
Schools werry regular but never learns their duties, but only a-larkin' at fust as you often don't when that benumbed, the' a frightful bruise,
about, and the gals dressed up like as if they was a-goin' to dance on but was more of a eyesore than any real 'arm dome, but all I've got to
the tight-rope, say is that 'Merrykin boys is that awdacious as will set their fathers at
Since the frost 'ave set in I do think as it 'ave froze up all them defiance open, and pay no more attention to a mother than if the wind
boys' manners, as goes on like downright lunatics, a-slidin' all over was to blow, as is what I can't stand ; but law, JoB's wife, she seems to
the pavement, and wuss than that 'ave got little sledges as they drives like to see 'er eldest that cheeky, as she bust out a-lam fin' at him when
all along without never a-carin' a bit where they're a-goin' to, or he says, "Ain't grandmother a big lump of a Britisher," as I didn't
who's in front on 'em, as happenedd to me the day afore yesterday, consider manners, but never said a word a-knowin' as she wouldn't like
when freezin' was a fool to what the cold was, and me got to go across it, tho' I should 'ave corrected one of 'Liza's boys, but then it makes
the ferry to New York, as is full of ice, the boats a-bumpin' and a- all the difference being' my own daughter, as in course never can be a
crunchin' thro' it that wiolent as you can't 'ardly keep your legs. son's wife, but fully expects as that boy will turn out a limb, like the
Well, the ferry as I had to cross for to get over to New York is rest, some day, when least expected.
down a steep 'ill, as were that froze as you might slip from the top to
the bottom and never feel your feet.
I ain't one as is much give to sliding, for when a gal I shall never In the Paper.
forget the crack as I come on the back of my 'ead a-slidin' along the Tnp. latest novelty in New York, so says an American paper, has
gutter in front of our house as wasn't nothing to the bangin' as my been a "paper ball." It is stated that the quaintest, most coquettish,
dear mother give me with the hearth broom for playing' in the streets, and magnificent toilettes were composed of paper, which admirably
as were a thing as she never allowed, and quite right too, for I'm sure imitated the materials generally used in making up an expensive cos-
them 'Merrykin boys and gals is downright ruined by that werry tume. We cannot see that this is a gieat novelty for the land of
Well, I was a-goin down that 'ill to the ferry, a-takin' onit rry greenbacks. For years past, people had been not only clothed, but fed
SWell, I was a-goi' down that 'ill to the ferry, a-takin' on it wwry *by means of paper made to imitate materials," generally known as
gently, and 'ard work for to keep my feet, the' I 'ad on a pair of over- I mean s of paper made "to imitate materials," generally known as"
shoes, as was part injy rubber and part felt, with the bottoms roughed
the same as horses and a-usin' my umbreller for a walking stick, as Spicy.
the brass ferrel on stuck in the snow and 'eld me up. Tirror-a swell and no mistake-- so identifies himself with the
When I was at the top of that 'ill I see a lot of boys with their sledges tinge of his irreproachable whiskers, that he actually walks gingerly.
a-waitin' about. I didn't take much notice on 'em for them sledges is e
foolish bits of things, the' dangerous, for them boys will lay down
'em, and then slip along 'ead fuast. NOT FOR LtiBETH.-The New Cut-Filet de Cheval.
F TJ N [MARcH 14, 1868.
SOMETHING LIKE A TRADES' UNION.
BY A REAL WORKING MAN..
I cAN remember, in my time, when everybody was advised by street
boys and such to Flare up and join the Union," and little did I ever
expect to see the day when that advice would be in a manner took ;
and all them that belong to what of late years it's been the fashion to
call "the people" and the "working classes," would have "flared"
and joined it. There's been a goodish deal made one way or another
out of us working men by them that have called us "the people,"
and spoke to us as the "people," and in general jawed at us off
of platforms as the "people," and have took the liberty to tell us
how we ought to mind our own business, without putting of us in the
way of having any particular business to mind. Noble lords as take
up with philanthropy and wants to get into Parliament have come and
talked to us as if we was great babies, and read easy po'try to us, and
showed us magic lanterns, and made genteel jokes for us to laugh at;
The Union that can do that would be something like a Trades'
Union, and there's a many now of myopinion who wish hearty that the
money that's been subscribed for to keep so many of us on strike and
to pay delegates and such, had been spent in stores so that we might
meet the times when our wage was low. This was my talk to the
missis last Saturday as we was going to the People's Market," where
we live, down Whitechapel way, and she says, You're right enough,
the same as your words is proved true by this very place, which is all
under one head, the same as it's under one roof, for where there's such
a union of the butchers and the grocers and the cheesemongers and
the butter trades as brings food to many that didn't know where to
look for it; which, in my opinion," she says, "legs at six-and-a-half,
and shoulders at six, with good beef marrow as is better than any
butter, at sevenpence, and all sorts of comfortable pieces cut fair for a
few ha'pence, is what the working man requires." Well," I says,
"but who's at the expense of it all ? Where's the head-quarters of
the charity F" "Charity!" she says; "it ain't no charity. It's a
B II,,. ,= 1 1 0.FL 1L
and parsons have now and again took us in hand, and men of the people private business done at a good profit and nobody don't feel no
as have feathered their nests pretty tidy out of half-a-crown and ablue dependence, which is the thing the working man don't ought to want."
check pocket-handkercher that they started in life with, has told us And I says, "Right you are, old woman, as usual."
pretty sharp of our duties, and wanted to know why we couldn't all
of us feather our nests similar. And then at last comes the delegates
and the representatives and the regular organizers as nobody wouldn't Not Nice to a Shade.
have thought could set the Thames a-fire, as the saying is, but which
has yet managed to set us a-flaring up and a-joining of the Union to THE accession of 1Mn. DISRAELI to the premiership is so remarkable
such a tune as the burning of Rome with the Emperor a-fiddling an event that it deserves more than a passing notice. It appears to us
wasn't nothing to. The worst sort of this flaring is, that when it's to be an excellent opportunity for the adoption of new colours by the
gone out it leaves us with empty fireplaces, and we ain't got much to Conservative party. It would be paying a graceful compliment to the
fall back upon except the ashes and the cold health where we see our noble ex-premier if the old cry of true blue were superseded by a
wives and little ones setting with hungry bellies and no shoes on their new one-Darby and Jaune.
feet. This is what it seems to be coming to with most of us working
class as have been talked to as the people," just as if there wasn't Done into Latin.
any other people; and when all comes to all, even if we can ruin the
masters, or send them abroad to find these other people, and there's no A YOUNG GEETLEMAN of our acquaintance, being asked to give a
more work to do, the funds wouldn't hold out while we learnt fresh classical rendering of "Paddle your own canoe," promptly replied
trades. It does seem to me that what's wanted isto put us in the way "Suum Caique !"
of getting work at reasonable wages, and when times is bad putting us
in the way of buying things at a reasonable price. ON THE Square.-The First Life Guards-Fists.
IMAcOH 14, 1868.
SAY, can no effort prop the falling Stage ;
No kindly knife the Dramas' pangs assuage ?
Mine be the task, if not to wield the blade,
To scourge the men who should be first to aid.
Oh, critics, critics! who on fi st nights sit
And frame your judgments by a noisy pit-
Who take the verdict of a "paper" cram-
Whose praises are so faint they cannot damn-
Who dare not print the dulness you confess-
Sneer in the lobby- simper in the press :
To you I call-but since my call is vain,
I raise the lash, I trust, for wholesome pain.
Oh, scholar-I had nearly said, indeed,
Oh, only scholar of the Times-take heed !
The critic must not doze, though HOMEsa nod ;
You bear the laurel, but you bear the rod.
That tender-hearted surgeon is a bane,
Who spares the cure, because he spares the pain!
What time a minor critic stole the pen
And won the laughter of all thinking men,
You had done well admonishment to take-
You, whom not nine times nine Tom TAYLORS make.
Borrow some gall from minor wits, to mend
The pen which never hurts or foe or friend!
Teach us the Times's criticism survives
For dramas as for Spiritual Wives !
Satire, of course, should only wield the scourge,
For giving bays excuses she must urge ;
And yet the Daily News she'll praise, forsooth,
Because it says what it believes the truth;
And she will scorn no critic, so that he
Tell all the little truth that he can see.
The Standard's critic on occasion shows
How far much more than what he tells he knows ;
Chained by the custom of the critic tribe,
He glimpses at the faults he should describe ;
Too ready ever on the generous side
To laud the merits, the defects to hide.
Would he but speak, more justice would he do
The stage-and his own reputation, too.
The Telegraph adopts the general tone-
Has seldom an opinion of its own;
Declares the door against that piece is slammed,
Which on the first night beyond doubt is damned;
And prophesies a run-or more or less-
For that which boasts legitimate success;
Winds in long-winded sentences about,
Which at the close would leave you in a doubt,
Save that like PLAGIARY's "good-natured friend,"
Their kind intentions to discomfort tend.
Say, shall we pass-or is't to stoop too far ?-
To note the critic of the Morning Star !
The Morning Star where erst an angry pen
Spluttered its comments upon rising men.
Who has ascended to the judge's throne,
Scarcely less shrewish, surely more unknown ?
His latest notices proclaim at once
The private partizan or public dunce !
Who finds so much to praise in Daddy Gray,
Could scarcely note the minor sins of Play,
Unless some petty motives undefined
Disturbed the muddle which he calls a mind.
Farewell! oh, critics, till another day,
Meantime, like cricketers, just mind your play ;
Condemn the bad with energy outright,
Praise not for favour-nor condemn for spite;
And so, perchance, your JUVENAL may say,
" Thank heaven! I've read a criticism to-day !"
BE careful you are not misunderstood when in conversation at the
dinner-table. Young SNAPSHOT has just lost a very warm corner "
in his AUNT CAROLINE'S will, simply because she fancied an insult in a
remark he let fall touching "Wrinkles" and the old "she-CAnaY "-
alluding merely a new sporting work.
FROM OUR STALL.
THE novel of Martin Chuzzlewit is too long and involved for dramatic
treatment. Many of the characters diverge from the main road at an
early stage of the story and return to it only toward the end. The
book is full of episodes ; a play that should follow all the intricacies of
its plot and allow enough dialogue for anything like elaboration of its
characters would require a whole evening for representation. At the
Olympic we have a somewhat shadowy version of DICKENS; a recent
reading of the tale is absolutely requisite for the full comprehension of
the drama. The dialogue of the original is preserved as far as possible
in this adaptation and gives it peculiar liveliness. With the acting of
Martin Chuzzlewit we have little fault to find. Mi. VINCENT must
contrive to carry himself twenty-five years back in the article of dress ;
Mi. AsHLEY must wash the stains of gunpowder from his visage, unless
he wishes to give evidence against some Fenian who has fired five shots
at him from a revolver, in the neighbourhood of Wych-street; and the
lady who plays Mercy Pecksniff must show less of a remarkably hand-
some bust. MR. CLARKE is a lovely Sarah Gamp, snuffy- senile-and
utterly heartless. Ma. HoRACE WIGAN represents admirably the
passive side of Jonas Chuzzlewit's brutal nature, but he scarcely realizes
the active portion of it; he dresses the part splendidly. M3. ADDISON
is not sufficiently tall for the Pecksniff designed by Pinz; this, how-
ever, is a misfortune and not a fault-so that MR. AnnmsoN may plumo
himself on playing the part as well as any actor of the same height
possibly could play it. Mn. SouTAit makes up carefully for Mark
Tapley, and plays as characteristically as the text of his part allows.
Miss LouISA MOORE is a fascinating Mary Graham, in spito of tho
hideous bonnet which archaeology compels her to wear. (What guys
the women must have been in 1843! Thank goodness we are not old
enough to recollect the costume of that period). Miss FARnan as
Young Bailey is worth going ever so many miles to see; the*character
exactly suits her, and she plays it with an enormous amount of spirit.
Some very pretty scenes have been painted for this drama.
At Drury Lane a piece by COLONEL A. B. RicHARDS has been brought
forward. MESSRS IRVING AND MCINTYain do all in their power to make
it go. The piece is evidently written by a gentleman of refined and
even poetic mind, but the melodramatic tendency of its plot renders it
unfit for any prominent place in the Drury Lane bills; it has a trans-
pontine smack about it.
We were happy to see a full house on the occasion of the MAY benefit
at Drury Lane the other morning; and we must congratulate the
promoters of the entertainment on the result of their praiseworthy
[ We can take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or
monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unaccepted MS'S.
or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope;
but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do we hold
ourselves responsible for loss.]
ALEPH.-It is rather late in the day to find fault with the writings of
A. B. C. (Post-Office) has the coolness to tell us that "the following
occurred to him this morning "-the following being the ancient definition
of "Matter-never mind," and "Mind-no matter.'
PECKHAM RYE.-The Saunterer is much obliged to you.
LEar-FROG IN THE CIVIL SERVICE would, we think, hardly be
permitted under KING STORK(S)."
CORA L.-Lines not suitable. Fun's "mowing" is more nearly related
to mopping than to cropping.
PETER PIPER writes us an abusive letter and asks, "Will you have the
pluck to publish this ?" To which we answer "Yes, if he will have the
pluck to come and acknowledge writing it."
A FREE-TRADER (New-square).-The epigram is too personal, the lines
not good enough.
C. J. G. (Dublin).-The title of the cartoon you mean was simply
P. L. C. (Liverpool).-We ar much obliged.
K. (Erskine-street, Liverpool).-Thanks.
ZERO is left out in the cold.
MONS. PARTUrIENws.-Your song is most ridiculous mus-ic, but not quite
suitable. Next time you strike the lyre we'll hope it will prove a hit.
Declined with thanks:-A. H., Maida Vale; Lutterworth; L. B. P.;
E. H., Dublin; Brooks; J. P., Old Broad-street; D. J. F.; H. B. I.,
Bishop Stortford; Leonard; I. R. Z. A. B.; B. C., Wallingford ; P. V.,
Macclesfield; A. W. 0., Cambridge; W. P., Fulham Truro; Cantab,
Hammersmith; A Fact; A Constant Reader; J. Ii. N., HIoughton;
J. B., Jun.; R. B., Torquay; G. G. F., Liverpool; J. C. R., Camden-
square; J. B. T., Brighton ; S. G., Liverpool; Tyro; G. M., Bedford-row:
J. T., Bristol; J. T. L., Lincolnshire; A Lady Subscriber; E. C., Ken-
sington ; C. A. B., Temple; Claude, Dublin; Delta; Nemesis ; Mercredi,
Liverpool; R. D. B., Clapham; Mary Hann.
14 F J N [MAuCH 14, 1868.
I t ;. / I .
A SOUP-ERIOR NOTION.
ScENs :-Farmer's Ordinary.
Waiter (with horror) :-" Hi! sm! You'iR A-EATIN' THE MELTED BUTTER !" Farmer :-" Aw, I THOWT 'TWERE THE SOUP!"
LIFE'S PLAYTHINGS. A LUNATIC ON LITERATURE.
AT the age of only eight, you'll forgive me if I state WE are very fond of English literature, and as the volumes of FUN,
That there never was a child like me: new series, will show, we have contributed not ignobly to the lighter
I was not a bit inclined to devote my little mind branches of the literature of our country. We are grateful, also, to
To the study of my A, B, C. anyone who will give us a good book on the study of English authors.
I could linger with delight over marbles or a kite, We were much obliged to Ma. HANNAY, for instance, for his excellent
And I left it for the humdrum boys course of lectures on the subject, a book which no student should be
To be fagging all the day, for I fancied when at play without. But we are net grateful to Ma. WILLIAM GEORGE LARKINS
There was nothing in the world like Toys! for his Handbook of English Literature, for it is really so bad as to be
But my heart was in a flame, I remember, when I came quite comic. One specimen of it will be enough for the reader :-this
To the period of soft sixteen: is part of what Ma. LARKINS says of LoanD BYRON:-
She was young and very fair, in a frock and curly hair, The production of Don Juan' placed him immediately in the front rank of the
And the colour of her eyes light green. poets. It is the description of a young and satiated libertine, who endeavours to
When I met her (at a dance) how she thrilled me with a glance, rouse himself from the listless and melancholy condition into which he has fallen
When I met her (at a dance) ow she thrilled me with a glance, by travel in foreign lands ... It is written in the style of the Spenserian stanza,
And a pressure of her white kid glove : which suits the character of the poem, which is gloomy and contemplative ....
In a minute I was caught, and in ecstacy I thought The sentiment of the poetry ascends from what is low and lustful to the highest
There was nothing in the world like Love! purity and sublimity."
Then Ambition had a turn, and I felt my bosom burn This is really delicious! Well may MR. LARKINs say in his preface
Tobe ranked among the earth's great men: that his notes ars woven together by a thread of originality."
So I wrote a lot of rhyme-just a step from the sublime- Never before were such "original" views propounded for the edifica-
Tho' I reckoned it sublime just then. tion of the student. PROpEssOR HENiY MORLEY is mentioned in the
Quite a year I threw away on a novel and a play dedication to this funny book, but MR. LAT Unxs must be a wag, for he
That were worthy of a first-rate name ; could never seriously mean to associate toe Professor's name with such
I was probably deceived, but I verily believed stuff. We have, however, come to the conclusion that the extract
There was nothing in the world like Fame! given above is a joke. Very funny, MR. LARKINs! but don't do it
again :-we see through your jokes, but little boys and girls who want
I was doubtful and perplext how to fix upon the next, to study English literature might be taken in.
'Midst the treasures that the earth might hold: _
Some were dearer than the rest, but the dearest and the best,
And the brightest of them all seemed Gold. Coled Comfort.
But it may be-after all-even toys begin to pall, A DISTINGUISHED ARTIST of our acquaintance happened the other day
In the struggles of this long, long strife: to fall in with a scientific professor who was descanting on the probable
All my gods are overthrown, save the last-for I will own failure of our coal. The painter was of opinion that the sooner the
There is nothing in the world like Life! COLE-fields of South Kensington give out, the better for England.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Publishel (for the Proprittor) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-3treet, E.C.-
London : March 14, 1868.
MAIoH 21, 1868.]
A LIVELY MARCH: The Popular Air just now.
IT'S NO AFFAIR OF MINE.
I HATE that kind of thing, my dear;
Indeed, I'd rather walk
Ten miles the other way than hear
Old MRs. GRUNDY talk.
Whenever she begins to try
The scandalising line,
I says to her-I says, says I,
It's no affair of mine!
If EMMA JANE and MARY ANNE,
The maids at Number Two,
Are partial to the baker's man-
What's that, says I, to you ?
Suppose the butcher-boy is fond
Of Number Twenty-Nine,
And she may happen to respond;-
It's no affair of mine !
If MR. LOT, the auctioneer,
Has got a shrewish wife-
It's not for us, I says, my dear,-
To pry at married life.
If CAPTAIN C. comes back at night
A deal the worse for wine,
And kicks the children left and right-
It's no affair of mine !
I'm sick of MRS. GauNnD's ways,
And MiB. GRUNDY too ;
No doubt she goes about and says
Queer things of me and you.
She's always dropping in to tea,
Or looking in to dine;-
And yet the brute-but then, you see,
It's no affair of mine!
LOOKS INTO BOOKS.
IN the Paris Exhibition, by EUGENE RIMMEL, MEBSRS CHAPMAN AND
HALL have published a very elegant little souvenir, of what will pro-
bably be the last of the International Shows. It consists of a collec-
tion of the articles which were contributed by Ma. RIMMEL to the
Courrier de L'Europe and the Patrie, translated into English, and illus-
trated rather plentifully with representations of some of the principal
objects of the exhibition, including a very good specimen of chromo-
lithography, "The Broussa Mosque," and a bird's-eye view of the
building and park.
Mn. RIMMEL comments on the Exhibition with fairness, and with
what is much rarer, frankness. He does not hesitate to condemn the
mismanagement of the Imperial Commissioners, and the injustice of
the awards of prizes. He very properly points out, too, why the
selection of British jurors was so unsatisfactory-though, of course, it
was an understood thing that our share in the Exhibition would be a
disgrace, a job, and a failure, as soon as it was announced that MR.
COLE was to be Chief Commissioner. The error of the much-vaunted
elliptical arrangement of the building is pointed out briefly and clearly,
and the criticism on the articles displayed in the various departments
and countries is valuable because it is just, if not severe. Altogether,
the book will be a welcome souvenir of the Exhibition to those who
saw it, while to those who did not see it, it will be a compensation-if
not a substitute, since after reading the volume carefully they might
well pass themselves off as having visited the show.
The book is turned out excellently in the matter of paper, print, and
binding-though as to this last, Massus. BONE seem to have gilded the
edges unsatisfactorily; it is almost impossible to avoid tearing the
pages in some cases, in trying to separate them.
THE Times states that the consumption per head of tobacco in the
United Kingdom has increased from 13oz. in 1841, to llb. 5oz. in
1865, and adds "so greatly is the habit of smoking extending." The
Times might see from its own columns puffing is on the increase.
VOL. VII. n
ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN.
Q fl ACPHAIRSON CLONG-
1_1 LOCKETTY .ANGUS
o Was the son of an elderly
You've guessed him a
reader, at sight,
shrewd reader, you're
-- ,__. From the bonnie blue
Forth to the beastly
-' Round by Dingwall and
'"Wrath to the mouth of
There wasn't a child or a
woman or man
Who could pipe with
No other could wake such detestable groans
With reed and with chaunter-with bag and with drones :
All day and all night he delighted the chiels
With sniggering pibrochs andjiggety reels.
He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the. ground,
And the neighboring maidens would gather around;
-To list to his pipes and to gaze in his een,
Especially ELLEN MCJONES ABERDEEN.
All loved their McCLAN, save a Sassenach brute,
Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot;
He dressed himself up in a Highlander way;
Tho' his name it was PATTISON CoaBY ToaBAY.
TOREAY had incurred a good deal of expense,
To make him a Scotchman in every sense ;
But this is a matter you'll readily own,
That isn't a question of tailors alone.
A Sassenach chief may be bonily built,
He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt;
Stick a skein in his hose-wear an acre of stripes-
But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.
CLONGLOCKETTY'S pipings all night and all day
Quite frenzied poor PATTISON CORBY TORBY ;
The girls were amused at his singular spleen,
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABEIuDEEN.
[MAnon 21, 186l .
MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANxos, my ld,
With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad.
If you really must play on that cursed affair,
My goodness, play something resembling an air!"
Boiled over, the blood of MACPHAIrSON McCLAN-
The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man ;
For all were enraged at the insult, I ween -
Especially ELLEN McJoNES ABERDEEN.
Let's show," said McCLAN, "to this Stissenach loon
That the bagpipes can render a regular ..une."
Let's see," said MOCLAN, as he thoughtfully sat,
'In my Cottage' is easy-I'll practise at that "
He blew at his Cottage," and blew with a will,
For a year seven months and a fortnight, until
(You'll hardly believe it) McCLAN, I declare,
Elicited something resembling an air!
It was wild-it was fitful -as wild as the breeze -
It wandered about into several keys.
It was jerky, .spasmodic and harsh, I'm aware;
But still it distinctly:suggested an air.
The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced;
He shrieked in hisagony-bellowed and pranced.
And the maidens twhogathered rejoiced at the scene,
Especially 'ELLEN McJoES_ ABERDEEN.
Hech gather, hech gather, -hech 'gather around;
And fill a' ye lugs 4wi' the exquisite sound.
An air-fra' the bagpipes-beat that.if ye can!
Hurrah for CLONGLOsETTY ANGAi'MeCLAN "
The fame of his pipipg spread overthe land :
Respectable widowsproposed for.his hand,
And maidens came flocking tosit on the green-
Especially ELLEN MeJowus ABBRDEEN.
One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore
He'd-stand it no longer-he drew his claymore,
And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste),
Divided CONGLOCKETTY close to the waist.
Oh! loud were the wailings for ANGUs McOLAN,
Oh deep.was the grief for that excellent man-
The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene,
Especially ELLEN McJoaES ABERDEEN.
It sorrowed poor PATTISON ConBY TORBAY
To find them "take on" in this serious way,
He pitied the poor little fluttering birds,
And solaced their souls with the following words:-
" Oh, maidens," said PATTISON, touching hi. hat,
" Don't blubber, my dears, for a fellow like that;
Observe, I'm a very superior man,
A much better fellow than ANGus MCCLAN "
They smiled when he winked and addressed them as dears,"
And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears,
A pleasanter gentleman never was seen-
Especially ELLEN McJoNES ABERDEEN.
A PAINFUL illustration of this truism is now presented at the East-
end. We are assured that there are scores-we may say, hundreds,-of
families who have not known what a Saturday night" is for months!
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
&i W. HILE Ma. SPEiKE was missing, unless one had
; a theory to account for his disappearance,
/ there was no reason why one should ad!
to the voluminous literature of his case.
After his discovery, any allusion to his aber-
) ration seemed to me to be unwarrantable. But
/a paragraph which states that he has been
placed in a private lunatic asylum, because
he entertained a belief that he is disliked by
his family, becomes, to my mind, a public matter. Private lunatic
asylums are not admirable places, and I should think the poor gentle-
man's family must be laboring under a delusion which almost fits
them for similar supervision, if they suppose that by putting him in a
madhouse they are going the right way to disabuse his mind of the
notion that they do not like him.
THE Atlas has altered the form of its Notes," but not to advantage.
They do not read half so well as they did, though there are some smart
lines about the Cockney Literary Man." Their aim, however, is not
very obvious, and the merit of such squibs depends somewhat on that.
Nevertheless, there are some v.ry sharp hits in them. Altogether, the
paper in its new form keeps well up to its intent, and should establish
I AM sorry to see that "the canoe" is gaining more footing, if I maybe
allowed the expression. The amusement is a dangerous one-a spill
from a canoe being more perilous, even to a swimmer, than an upset
in an outrigger. Besides, I doubt whether anything which began
its public career as a tract-distributing machine is worth much. I
hope the Boating Clubs of Oxford and Cambridge will discourage the
movement, which, as a mere "fad" and fashion, may injure the old,
honest, manly practice of rowing. In my time, it was a nice amuse-
ment for raw freshmen and men who wouldn't handle an bar, for fear
of being pressed into the hard work of the torpid. Captains of the
O.T.B.C. and C.U.B.C. will kindly accept this intimation. The PRINCE
IMPERIAL of France has just joined the Canoe Club. Let the practice
be delegated to Frenchmen and boys! It is stated that 'the PRINCE OF
WALES is Commodore of some English Canoe -Club, but I trust the
report is as unfounded as a recent advertisement which alleged that
"the Jolly" somebody or other sang two miserable 'music-hall songs,
called "Racketty Dick" and "The Horse Feed," or some such names,
"by command of H.R.H."
AT the time when a new Premier comes into power it is fair to
suppose that the Editor of the Saturday Review would notibe absent
from his post. But if he be at the helm how can heexplain his passing
two blunders in the number for March 7th, which are just such blunders
as the Review would, or should be, most severe upon. 'Blunder number
one, minor:-Why was the reviewer who so ably criticised MB.
FiTzGERALDn's David Garrick, allowed to give usifor OoLai oa such a
brace of lines as this P-
"All thoughts, all-passions, all delights,
Which stir this mortal frame."
This is not COLPRMGE's metre, but WATTS's. Blunder number two,
major:-Why was the writer, so very unnecessarily severe on Wholesome
Fare, permitted to talk such nonsense as this F-
The little Marchioness in Dickens's Curiosity Shop found her dry bread the
better for rubbing it against the doorof the room where the cheese was locked.
Now no man is compelled to read DICmcENs, but if he quotes him he
should not only read but understand him. The character of the
" Marchioness" may be an exaggeration, but it would be a caricature
if she were guilty of any such.practicalhumour as this. She pries
through keyholes to discover where the key of the safe is hidden, but
her wildest flight of imagination is to consider infusion of orange-peel
wine-with a good deal of ".make-believe." The first blunder is
pardonable as a defect of memory (though it is difficult to believe a
Saturday Reviewer capable of that weakness), but the second ie a
complete misapprehension of character-it is worse than a blunder,
anda blunder is, we are told, worse than a ozime.
I HEAR great .things of the coming exhibition of the Society of
British Artists. MR. BARNES is to be well represented, the three posts
of honour in the chief room being occupied by his chief work, and by
the pictures of Mn. HURL(.TONE and MR. HEAPHY. MR. HAYES sup-
ports the credit of the Society in landscape, backed by MEssRS. MOORE,
COLE, TENNANT, and others. MR. C. W. NICHOLLS sends a picture,
entitled "A Charming Incident," which has been engraved by Ma. 0.
MOTTRAM, and is a pretty subject that should be popular.
WE are to have a Ladies' College after all-the real article, and no
nonsense about it. It is to be somewhere between London and Cam-
bridge, and the fair undergrads are to go into residence, with sets of
rooms, and she-scoutq, dinners in hall, a gate-bill no doubt, and all the
correct surroundings of University life. What fun! I suppose they
will give teas instead of wines, and get up athletic sports in the shape
of sewing-machine competitions. Will they run up awful ticks at the
bonnet shops and the confectioners ? I'm afraid that unless the College
is empowered, as the Universities are, by statute, there will be terrible
difficulties. Idle bachelors will take lodgings in the place to flirt with
the undergraduates; and unless the "proctrices" have the power to
orrcIr them out of the neighbourhood, the ladies' studies will be sadly
I'VE got a deal of common sense,
But no imagination:
I never made the least pretence
To shine in conversation.
I dare not stray in any way
An inch beyond my tether;
And, when I've nothing else to say,
I talk about the weather.
When MARY ANN and I go out
I long to play the lover,
-But what on earth to talk abuut
I never can discover.
I blush to say I often show
The whitest kind of feather,
And stammer out, "Look here, you know-
Let's talk about the weather."
I've run a bill at Ma. SNIP's
For articles of raiment;
He always has upon his lips
A hint about its payment.
'Whenever MA. SNIP and I
Are left alone together,
You can't imagine how I try
To talk about the weather.
I go to parties now and then,
But never find it answer:
l'm forced to mix among the men
Because I'm not a dancer.
I merely put on evening dress-
White kid and patent leather-
On purpose that I may express
.My thoughts about the weather.
An A. :Smith's Hammer.
IT is to be feared that the blow aimed at the crying evil of intem-
perance by ME. ABaL SMITH'S Sunday Closing Bill will not prove so
effectual as its supporters anticipate. What says HUIIInas on the
A man convinced against his (s)will
Is of the same opinion still.
A Wardian Case.
WE cannot look upon the newly-appointed CHANOCLLOR oF THE
ExcHi.aER as the right man in the right place. The exposure lately
made of the disgraceful condition of many country workhouses points
clearly to the Poor Law Board as the fittest place for a WaDn HUNT.
TO MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD.
0, OaosEN Apostle of Culture,
0, champion of reason againstt might,
But for thee we should see the sepulture,
For ages, of sweetness and light.
A Comtist millennium predicted
By CONGREVE, hangs o'er us now,
When our bishops and priests are evicted,
And mitered is HARKnaoN's brow.
We may fall at Humanity's altar,
Gain all that its worship reveals;
And our tongues with emotion may falter
When speaking the name of SAINT BEALES.
But our creed will want Comtist completeness,
We're not wholly gone to the bad,
If we stick to our light and our sweetness,
To culture and chaffing the cad!
MAIAC 21, 1868.]
[MARCH 21, 1868.
Bad News for the Reformatories. Look to Your Weak Points.
THExpapers report that altogether about three thousand crans of THE Inspectors of Weights and Measures have, we hear, received
herrings were brought into London in one day, a few weeks since, instructions to proceed against all persons not possessing an evenly-
When there are so many 'erring there already, this seems like bringing balanced mind." It is to be hoped they will accept this trifling addition
coals to Newcastle. to their ordinary duties in a becoming spirit.
" Eye, Aye, Sir."
OUR Irishman says
it is much less diffi-
cult to paint brown
eyes than either
black or blue ones.
Pressed for a reason,
he alleges that you
can paint the brown
ones more hazelly."
WE see announced
English .Repetitions in
Prose and Verse-and
yet it is only a five
Good gracious! Can
its editor be ignorant
of the existence of MR.
TOM TAYLOR ? Has
MR. OWEN MEREDITH
escaped his ken ? We
should have thought
in prose and verse"
would alone have
extended the work to
some volumes. Per-
haps, however, as this
must be only a col-
lection, these writers
with a characteristic
regard for copy-
right," have warned
the editor off their
A SAnDIER adver-
tises that horses may
be broken good
tempered and sound"
by using Dumb
Jockeys ";-wo very
much doubt their
ability to furnish a
horse with that most
essential quality "a
WE venture to
SANGER that it would
be paying a merited
compliment to the
decorators of the
were they to term
the horses of the
pair of braces.
Bill:-" I SAY, JACK, WE'VE BROUGHT THE WRONG BOARD-IT WON'T FIT !"
Jack :-" FIT-OH, IT MUST FIT! D'YE THINK I CAN'T READ ?"
Cut it I
a book called The
Harvest of a Quiet
Eye. Is that harvest
"sickle-ied o'er with
the pale cast of
thought?" Or is the
profit to be reaped
from it all your eye ?
A YANKEE paper
says, that a lady of
Bates county, Miss.,
having been divorced
from her husband for
has fallen in love with
him again and re-
married him. This
" Bates Banagher,"
as the Irish would
say, though the lady,
perhaps, objects to
residing in the state
of Miss. If, how-
ever, the gentleman
took her, and she
took him a second
time after a divorce
on such grounds, they
will never be able to
put in the plea of
" incompatibility "
again-for they are
"two fools together."
A Note on
"A GREEDY BOY "
is informed, in answer
to his question, that
" Cabinet Pudding"
is not made with
A SPORTING friend
writes to say that in
our recent picture,
dresses" are very
tle bonnets our
sweethearts beat this
-their bonnets have
Tu-multum in Parvo. Literary Note.
THE public, we think, have a right to complain of the scanty items A NEW novel is announced, entitled Cross Currents. We understand
of information we get from the Abyssiniafi expedition. We ought at that, if successful, it will be followed by Good-tempered Gooseberries.
least to have a daily summary of news considering the number of Churlish Cherries and Pleased Plums are also spoken of as possible pub-
"condensers at work there. locations from the same fruitful pen.
F [J N .-MARcu 21, 1868.
__ -- -- ^---'
GREAT, FIGHT FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF IRELAND.
MARCrH 21, 1868.]
S I: \cerely we pity
'C Fashioned to sea-
sons, and funny
Rome or Vienna!
no matter what
ag city you
Live in, you give
in to revel and
Once in a year in
Ringing with mu-
sic and smelling
Silken attire and
I fantastical at-
Tell us that Car-
nival time is in
o a swing!
Wai tOnce in a year, ere
the season ca-
I now a fnonical
Warns us that
lurks in our
Carnival comes to
our palates a
Merry with music
and ripple of
Once in a year for the briefest of holidays,
Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
Naughty Miss Carnival whispers of jolly days,
Sings to us, brings us where nobody knows.
Then is the time with our spirits and hearts in it,
Masks on our faces and domino-clad,
Off we all rush to play pranks and cur parts in it-
March has a hare which is said to be mad!
Whack go the bladders, and fizz goes the revelry,
Clang go the trumpets, and crack fires the chaff,
Din and delights and endearments and devilry,
Who would have pleasures worth doing by half!
Wait though a moment-my roystering revellers,
Continent's capitals laugh and are bold,
Fashion and season are marvellous levellers,
Pretty Miss Carnival faints-so we're told!
I know a fellow, my friends hypercritical-
Never as yet was he known to be done-
Would you have proof of vitality witty ? call
Every Wednesday on Carnival FuN!
What a Fall was There !
AT last, at last! the Welsh people are avenged. The literary
London gentleman who presumed to adjudicate on the merits of the
poems sent for the prizes at the Nati,'nal Eisteddfod has lived to see
the triumph of the Cymry over the language of the boastful and
barbarous Saxon. The nation, whcre the soul of poetry breathes even
through the common utterances of the people, has learnt to disregard
the trivial limitations which distort and retard the growth of languages,
and the bards of Llangyfelach have tuned the string, to recite in
English the liberty and independence of their institutions.
Our readers may never have heard of Llangyfolach, and may still
be ignorant that in that Arcadian spot it has long been customary to
hold an annual fair, noted, we are informed, for figs and flannels Lot
them hear, then, that Llangyfelach has been true to itself and to the
Cymry, as the following announcement, addressed To Publicans and
Others" (mark the sarcasm of the Others ), will abundantly
NOTICE TO PUBI.ICANS AND OTHEs8.
At a Vestry Meeting hold at Llangyfelach on the 22nd April, 1867 (Easter Monday),
it was resolved by all parties that the Fair should not be interfered with on account
of its being held on St. David's Day. It was put to the Meeting by the Viar, who
was the Chairman, there being not asingle dissent, so it was carried with acolama-
tion. Tins FAIR will take place as advertised on the 2nd mnd 3rd March. the lst of
the month falling on Sunday, which has been the custom from time immemorial,
and not on Wednesday and Thursday as stated in an anonymous placard posted
throughout the district, aq it is neither customary nor established, oonseqcently all
parties selling Beer, Spirits, &c., on Wednesday or Thursday, render themselves
liable to heavy penalties under an Act of Parliament, unless they proeure the
necessary licences from the Justices of the Peace, and the Revenue Authorities.
THOuMA JENKINS, Churchwarden.
JoHN GLASBRUOK, Sen., Penypant.
Ctynhordy, 22nd Feb., 1865. THOMAs CLEMENT, Ilangyfelach. _=
Happy Llangyfelach! where a Fair can be put to a meeting by an
unassisted Vicar and carried by acclamation for some inscrutable
reason not unconnected with the absence of dissent. Still more happy
episcopal district where from time immemorial Sunday occurs only on
the first day of the month. Can anyone ba surprised that there should
be no dissent in such a place ? The existence of a secret heresy may
be inferred from the appearance of anonymous placards which, though
they are neither customary nor established, are posted through the
district with the base intention of representing that the first of the
month falls on Wednesday and Thursday instead of on Sunday, but
the object of this conspiracy is evident to all those who have been
accustomed to obtain their beer, spirits, &c., on the Sabbath. It will
fail, for Acts of Parliament are still in force, even in Llangyfolach.
WHIAT comforts me when I am sad,
Or when I'm worried by a c id,
Or when the money market's bad ?
What solaces my lonely days,
And my disgust far more than pays
When boozy idiots scorn my lays ?
My 'b ieca!
What soothes me when I dbii not well,
When libels of me people tbIl.
When friendship proves a hollow sell P
What sweetens o'en a bitter truth,
And what allays a raging tooth,
Or ache of corns, from hoofs inc-,uth ?
WE fear that the police force resort at times to extreme measures in What quiets indigestion's pangq,
the execution of their duty. An "active and intelligent officer" is And takes the edge off hatred's fangs,
reported to have dropped on his man unexpectedly in a publicthorough- And salves misfortune's cruel bangs F
fare. Supposing that the gentleman in blue was only a twelve-stone My baccaa!
man, it must have been no joke for his unlucky prisoner,-must have B t what if in excess I take-
fallen on him, in fact, very flat indeed. My mouth will parch, my head will make
With throb and ache almost to break,
Just as the Twig is Bent, the Tree's Inclined With thirst will bake, no draught can slake,
And keep me all night long awake ?
A roND parent, anxious that his infant son should be sharp in his My baccaa!
wits, and profound in his thoughts, has sent him to sea,-so that he
may be "rocked in the cradle of the deep."
A HINT TO THE LAW DIGEST COMMIUSION.-MR. 3LOXAM (asagainst
Very Unlike a Bird. the Metropolitan Railway Company) has shown himself a most
A BACrELmO acquaintance of ours remarks that ladies dress now successful Co.-defier.
with such exquisite taste that the pop-linnettes remind him forcibly of
pop-injays. "ITHaul IN THE Dowxs."-Winning the Derby.
[MAOca 21, 1868.
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF CLOTHES.
3 ITERATURE has never done justice to the im-
portant position which Clothes hold in the govern-
ment of the world. Literary men have been noted,
as a class, for their disregard of "personal ap-
pearance" ; the very term they use proving that
they do not understand clothes. It is, indeed,
the fond belief of mankind at large, that clothes
are made for man, whereas man is made for clothes.
He is put into them and carries them about; but
they require him only as a train awaits its engine
-the puffing, snorting, self-important machine
which is to bear it on its eventful mission. Clothes
are, in short, everything! The Civic Robes are
the Lord Mayor-he is a mere City man without
them, but they are the dignity without him. Court
Suits, Military Uniforms, Clerical Vestments-
these are the Statesman, the Soldier, the Priest; and that unclad
bifurcated piece of humanity called Man is not one or the other, except
by chance, or the education which, after all, only teaches him how to
wear the fitting habiliments with the least discredit-to them.
This great subject has never been properly treated. A writer pre-
sumptuous enough to call himself Sartor Resartus attempted it, but
his work was superficial and shallow, as might have been expected of
such a frivolous concocter of comic copy as THoxAs CARLYLE. In this
series of essays it will be regarded with proper respect and from the right
point of view. To prove that it will be discussed with full understanding
of its character, importance, and extent, the first subject selected for
discourse is THE EYEGLAss. By those who have not given their whole
souls to the grave contemplation of the theme, an eyeglass might not
appear to come under the definition of Clothes." To the philosopher
the immense weight it has in influencing the career and the.disposition
of its wearer will satisfactorily prove its title to be so classified ;-and
even to be reckoned first in the classification. The world-as science
has again and again told us-was developed by degrees into a state of
fitness for the reception of its destined lords. It was successively in-
habited by monads, fishes, reptiles, megatheria, and man. After man
came clothes-the final object to which the less important creatures led
up. The first development of clothes was the fig-leaf apron of ADAM
-the first development of that particular portion of clothes which is
defined as the eyeglass came later in the shape of spectacles. Those
first rude outlining of great designs need not be here discussed.
This lecture commences with The Eyeglass, double and single."
The Double Eyeglass is of comparatively modern
introduction in the world of Fashion-that is to
say, the world which governs the actions of man-
kind, and, especially, of that portion of it known as
womankind. The Double Eyeglass is a tower of
strength to its wearer; for since the especial use
and advantage of an eyeglass is its employment for
the crushing and annihilating of one's fellow
creatures, the double eyeglass has a double advan-
tage in the more solemn and deliberate manner in
which it must be affixed in order that the fellow-
creature may be looked down. It is an im-
posing adornment too! Let the reader place the
tip of his little finger over the glasses of the gentle-
man in the margin. The gentleman in the margin
is reduced to a very commonplace person; but
when the finger is removed, and the glasses dawn,
he is at once fitted for a seat on the Treasury Bench, not to say the
Bench of Judges.
The Double Eyeglass is duly honoured by mankind. It is per-
mitted to grasp the promontory which is forbidden
S under terrible pains and penalties to the digit and
index of the world at large. In that proud position
it leads its wearer along, and conducts him-if he
will but allow it to do so-to honour, fame, and
riches. The only people who speak against double
glasses-yet do not set their faces against them-are
those who are circumstanced like this poor fellow.
He despises them! He draws down the corners of
his mouth in a sneer at them- partly because he can-
not turn up his nose at them. If he were short-
sighted, it is difficult to see how he could be provided
with aids to vision; it might puzzle a STEVENSON or
a BRUNEL, though they bridged great Straits at the
iMenai and the Hamoaze. Fortunately, provident
nature always arranges these matters, and gives to
those who cannot see beyond their noses, noses that will carry
The Single Eyeglass leads its wearer along,
though not always so evidently as the
Double. Nevertheless, it will be observed
that in most instances the eyeglass is the
prominent object in the man. How often i
the reader must have met with some one of
whose dress and general appearance he has a e"
distinct recollection, but of whose face the
only thing he remembers is the eyeglass!
The only image he presents to the mental
vision is that given in the initial to this
article. But the eyeglass is also the most -
prominent object in some people, actually and
not figuratively. The being in the margin
is an example. His eyeglass has given him
a chronic right-eye forward," to para-
phrase a military term. His left eye is of little
use, owing to the fact that his nose is at an
angle of forty-five degrees from what should
be the plane of his front face. To describe his state
D A with mathematical precision :-Draw the straight
line A B perpendicular to the floor 0 B, and pro-
duce the above gentleman D C until he meets
with A B, and the first point of contact will be
his eyeglass.-Q. E. D.
The Single Eyeglass exercises a greater influence
than the Double Eyeglass over the facial expression of its wearers.
The latter concentrates its powers on the bridge of the nose, and their
exhibition is confined, as a rule, to a purplish depression and a pink-
ness about the region of their impact. But the single glass calls into
play all the muscles of the face; it makes one eye larger than the
other, twists the corner of the mouth, moulds the eyebrows, and,
therefore, may either soften or harden the features. But this makes it
the more valuable, since it softens or hardens them only as the nature
of the wearer inclines to softness or hardness. It is a well-known fact
in science that the greatest strength of anything is only the strength
of its weakest part. If a boiler be constructed to resist a pressure of a
million pounds per square inch and one plate has a flaw that will not
resist more than two pounds per square inch, the greatest strength of
that boiler is against a pressure of two pounds and not of a million. In
like manner the power of a face to resist the pressure exercised on its
muscles by an eyeglass is the power of the weakest muscle. There-
fore the eyeglass at once finds out the man's weakest point. Let us
take two cases. Here
are two men who
wear eyeglasses. The
effect of the glass on
him on the reader's
right is to give him
a perpetual scowl.
In him on the
reader's left it is the
cause of a perennial
smile. The charac-
ters of the two men
are put to one and
the same test, the
eyeglass. How dif-
ferently do they
come out of the
ordeal! The one is
a man whose disposition it is to face life with a depression of the
elevator eyebrowii, the other meets it with an elevation of the extensor
smilii, or-to quit anatomical terms-the one looks at things sternly,
the other cheerfully. On a man of weak and melancholic tempera-
ment the eyeglass stamps an expression
of chronic misery and discomfort. The
gentleman whose presentment adorns the
margin at this point, is an illustration of
the pickling properties of the eyeglass.
For him, "the wine of life" is vinegar-
the milk of human kindness, curds and
whey-his gall-bladder and lungs have
exchanged functions-and his heart has
delegated its duties to his spleen. Of
course, such a face is not without its
uses. Thanks to the effects produced on
it by the eyeglass, it might lend counte-
nance to its owner's pretentions to be
a Sabbatarian, a man who has had losses,
or a Saturday Reviewer.
The most melancholy state of man,
viewed as the wearer of an eyeglass, is of the state of
the man who cannot wear an eyeglass at aU. Just
as there are stomachs which refuse solid food,
there are faces which cannot retain an eyeglass. The
owner of such a flabby physiognomy is nothing
better than a series of dissolving views. He begins,
on fixing his glass, with a scowl that would make the
last gentleman we discussed ready to burst with
envy. But he cannot sustain the effort. The young
philosopher who has hold the head of his sister's wax
doll over the fire on a shovel will know the process
this face goes through. Its outlines grow less-
decided-the frown fades into a look of wonder-a
stare of vacuity-and, flop the eyeglass drops. The
man who cannot wear an eyeglass is incapable of
the highest duties of man, considered as the thing
which Clothes wear, in the prosecution of their mission of civiliza-
tion. The contemplation of such a being is so painful that we are
compelled to close our lecture abruptly.
FIRST one man and then another states
Oft, what puzzles legislative pates ;
Can the unhappy country still contrive
So much wild discussion to survive?
While to save her from each festering ill
Here's a revolution-preached by MILL.
Stern resolve and subtle brain
Long have made them wear his chain;
Yet some emulation fires
Now the hearts of country squires,
When they see him in his state,
Knowing they have made him great.
She heard it called blooming, an epithet strange
To apply to this word ; if you're trying
To guess it, wherever your fancy may range
'Twill prevent you from rightly replying.
Creature! well, indeed, I know
Why it is I hate you so,
For in days when I could toddle,,
You were held up as a model.
Looking on't, we fancy wings
Must be very pleasant things:
With accompaniments of harps
And celestial flats and sharps.
This place, too, a harp recalls
With its very ancient halls;
Halls that this poor nation knew, *
With mud-hovels not a few;
This word would apply, you'd say,
To its state, e'en at this day.
ANswEa TO AOROSTio No. 62.
D Durham XM
I Iceni I
S Solon N
R Rossi I
A Arras S
E Enlistment T
L Lecture E5
I Inferior R
SOLUTIONS eO AaosETIc No. 52, lzCEIvtD 11TH MARCH :-NonC Correct.
CoN.-If you will consultt No. 97 you will see how stringent our rules are
about solutions. But under any circumstances, yours arrived too late-on the
Friday instead of the Wednesday.
Tor-SAWTEz.-At "The London."
RALLY, NOW P
THEi Paris correspondent of the Times quotes a letter of PiaiNc
Louis NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, afterwards Emperor of the French,
which letter was written just twenty years ago. The document was
addressed to the Provisional Government of France, and the opening
sentence is thus given:-
GENTLEMEN,-The People of Paris having destroyed by their heroism the last
vestiges of foreign invasion, I hasten from exile to rally round the flag of the Re-
public which they have just unfurled."
We do not happen to have ready access to the French journals of
February, 1848, in which M. BONAPARTE'S letter first saw the light;
but we venture to guess that the language has suffered some loss of
precision in its change to English. The illustrious exile might have
proposed to walk round a flag, or to run, ride, drive, waltz, or skate
round a flag; but that even his original mind should have conceived
the bold idea of one person's rallying round a flag, or rallying round
anything, is more than we shall consent upon any terms to understand.
A SCHOOLBOY ESSAY.
MY lips full oft to thine I've prest-
They did not press again!
A sickly anguish fills my breast,
And thou hast caused the pain!
With dizzy whirl my senses swim,
My brain is in a swoon:-
I've wooed thee till my sight is dim
This whole long afternoon.
No faintest blush upon thy cheek
Repays my fond .devotion,
The recompense that I would seek
For-oh, this wild emotion!
White-white as death thou dost remain,
Than common clay far duller-
Oh, meerschaum-'ere'sh-how-much of pain!
And yet thou wilt not colour !
gtnskrm tjs cm*thentz.
[We ean take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or
monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unaecepted M88.
or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed
envelope; but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do
we hold ourselves responsible for loss.]
PHiLo-NIenor.As.-"The Old Man" has been compelled to leave
England for his health till the return of summer, when you may look for
his re-appearancein these columns. We trust It is not a breach of confidence
to quote from his last letter the following effort of his mews ":-
ON SPRINxG: A Onx,
Spring is the first of the seasons, but you don't know what it means,,
You wot resides in England, in the midst of muggy scenes;
Good lors, you should come to the South; the South is the land fur greens;
The South is the land for Artichokes, and also the land for Beans!
You see how Natural Beauty quickens Poetic Power ?
I wrote the above production in less than a quarter of a hour!
A READEn (Colchester).-The pepper and vinegar, with which natives of
Colchester are generally served, seems to have affected your temper.
J. A. M.--_atis.
SCREIBBLE (Forfar).-The jokes are too For-far-fetched.
A SoLW inoNr.-Don't make your solution so weak, and add a few
grains of sense to it.
HEBAIxouS.-You have mis-read. The argument was that Anakim
being the plural, "A orB could not be used, though A and B might.
J. THOMAS (Dublin) is at liberty to write us impertinent letters if it
amuses him, but he might as well pay the postage.
F. J. F. (Primrose-hill.)-Do you say a Cherubim P Don't talk non-
sence, there's a good fellow.
C. E. G. (Stoke).-We do notjest about matters of religious belief.
Declined with thanks:-New Ross; J. A., Little Tower-street; J. P.,
Kennington-park; H. N., Kew; J. E. G., Temple; A. C., Montague-
street; Y. Z., Edinburgh; D. 0. T., Brixton; G. J., Navan; A Constant
Reader; A Scotchman, Glasgow; D. B. C., Hulme; B. Govan; B. M,
Reading; Bosh; R. R., Cambridge; G. W. J., Trafalgar-square; 6. A. K.,
Aberdeen; R. P., Edinburgh; J. C. H., Holloway; T. R., Sunderland;
W. S. P., Bristol; W. H. S. J. J. C., Colchester; An Admirer, Liver-
pool; D. L., Camden Town; F. W., Mortlake; H. T., Dablin; E. 1H. P.,
Wharton-street; E. C. S., Elmore-street; W. D. D.; Grumbler; Artful
Dodger D. J. F. ; Yankee; R. D. B., Clapham-road ; J. S. W., Belfast;
L. M., Bloomsbury; G. L. G., Liverpool; F. T. F.
MARCH 21, 1868.]
[MAE rn 21, 1868.
THE BURLINGTON ARCADE.
Br Ovn OCTOGBNAIAXN.
TIrm, was Sir, by GEORGE, when in the society of wits and men of
the world the very mention of the Arcade would call up reminiscences.
I speak of the time when men lived in the Albany, Sir, and when they
went to listen to songs, by GEOoGE-I don't mean JULTA ST. GEORGE,
but MAnnDA VESTrms; I suppose, Sir, that's what you'd call a joke,
but what in our time used to be known as a bong meow-to songs that
no more resembled your abominable music-hall vulgar disgusting
performances than the stable-boy costume of the present day is like
the dignified and gentlemanly apparel that went out, I take it, with
Sia JONAH BARRINGTON and ALMACK'S, or at all events with FIELD
MARSHAL THE Duxo OF WELLINGTON. Why, Sir, there's nobody now
has the decency to wear straps to his trousers except the young
gentleman who is, I take it, an artist, and who maybe seen sometimes
walking along Pall Mall with legs that should strike shame into
modern society, and remind me, by GEoRGE, of my own when I was
one of the company of bloods who might have been seen any night
about Saint James's-street, or on their way to The Finish," after the
theatres. The Burlington Arcade was a favourite lounge of ours at
that time, Sir, and some of the finest women in England, Sir, would be
seen there at the jewellers' shops or the knick-knack places, and there
was a beadle who upon my sacred honour was more after the pattern of
a gentleman than your bucks of to-day. A gorgeous creature, Sir, who
might be useful as a moral lesson, by GEoRGE, against the levelling
tendencies of the age, and with a manner that was copied, Sir, from
the PRINCE REGENT, and, egad, not badly copied, neither; with a
brown wig and small-clothes, and a way of waving his hand that
survives only in the portraits of His GRACIous MAJESTY GEORGE THE
FOURTH, of which I have one now hanging up in my library, just
over my little book-case of French novels, and a curious collection of
knockers and front teeth, that I made in my wild days, when a sordid
democracy had not succeeded in controlling the evening amusements
of officers and gentlemen, or of curbing the eccentricities of genius. I
should like to know, Sir, what has become of that beadle, and whether
he has retired into private life with a testimonial. Perhaps he has
been accommodated with apartments at Hampton Court, where he
waits on the ladies of my time who may have found an asylum there.
There is no beadle now, Sir; at all events, not at the time I make my
daily rounds from the front of the National Gallery, along Pall Mall,
and so by Webb's Hotel, where I have my morning dash of "pick
me up," and down Piccadilly to the fruiterer's to look at the French
pears at two guineas a dozen, and at the hampers at FPOTNuM AND
MASON'S, which remind me of the days, Sir, when, by GEORGE, I tooled
a four-in-hand down to Epsom, and called at the Burlington to take
up a batch of beauties who have given place to- but there, I'm too
fond of the sex still to say a word, by GEORGE, against them, and I'll
say this, Sir, for some of your modern women of fashion, that they are
beginning to appreciate the modes that made them irresistible in my
day, and are getting back as fast as possible to the killing costume of
-- never mind how many years ago.
THE appearance of the Daily News as a penny paper is unavoidably
delayed, HoE-ing to the time required for erecting the machinery.
There is no foundation for the report that the Turkish journal, the
Much-bir, is about to be incorporated with the Brewer's Jouinal.
Now ready, FUN, Vol. VI., Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d., or free by post, 5s. To be had of all Newsagents.
All the back numbers of FUN (New Series) are in print, and may be obtained at the Office, or through any
FUN may be procured in Paris every Wednesday, of MESSRS. WILLING AND CO., 25, Rue de la Michodiere.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St.'Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
London: March 21, 1863.
MARCH 1888.] F U 2.
ONE WAY OF LOVE.
SHALL I, wasting indespair,
Die because she dyes her hair?
Shall I drink till all be blue
'Cause she likes the mountain dew ?
Be she shady, as, they say,
Ball-room beauties look by day,
If she's shady not to me
What (are I for shade, or thee ?
Shall my youthful heart grow cold
'Cause she's sixty-nine years old P
If her age to all were known,
I should never change my tone.
Be she tougher- ah, more tough-
Than boxers who've ne'er had enough,
If she tender be to me
& What,; on earth is it to thee ?
Shall my ruined 1tttibiel move
gie to die-when I can ltw e ?
No: her hand and heart I'll win-
Saying nothing (f her fti I
___But before I snaji he edokp
I must see her aatikerd' otaob.
If she hath not L 6
_rI'll design her thbti to thed,
In Visii Vbttas.
THE Wine Tradi Review notices that
DAID GARRICK and OOLE both quitted
the wine trade fdt the stage. Too many
Actors take their w*ifie on with them.
Cry of iddji~ndence.
A RUNNING COMMENTARY. IN asserting her independence, Hungary
is about to adopt a new, battle cry, which
Workman (in the tackgeSound) :-" I EsH, BILL, IT 'UD DO HIM GOOD d I LATE or we are given to undltaivfid is henceforth to
THE OST E Y DAY, kE a' be, "Not for Joseph."
THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS And didn'twe go it P Th Saxon went down
THE BAT L -O HAWith the rays of the sunlight let into his crown;
I BALLiD P10ok HIsnonY. 'Twas a matter of course those illiterate churls,
Should go back before Normatdy barons and earls;
dedicatedd to TJames g annay, .Esquire.) But the cads they fought well till KING HAROLD fell dead.
BRAVYELY the waves of the Through his "peeper" an arrow had entered his head.
channel we crost, The battle was over and England was won,
And our boats on the sea Wet ye well there were bumpers at setting of sun.
got consumedly test; In Doomsday, our blue-book, you'll see how the land,
We were all of us Nor- Was portion'd amongst us by Royal Command,
mans, each steel-cover'd So boys fill a beaker of mead and we'll sing
chap, The praises of BILLY THE NoRMAN, our King!
Was a man of the oldest
And could trace himself LIVERY 6F T EI I SIN.
back to a sea-roving
swell, To THE EDITOR or Fun.
A king who o fought, and SIR,-This is an age df invention and discovery. If you doubt me
who plundered so well. ask TImEs. My grandmother would have set you down as an idiot ii
you had spoken to her about a sewing-machine. All that inventive
I guess when we landed genius wants in these days is art impulse-the Suggestion of a want-
the Saxon looked glum, and it immediately creates something to meet the requirement.
And wondered, poor I have therefore much pleasure, in the interests of science, citiliza-
wretches, the reason tion, manufactures, and my own comfort, in opening a new field for thd
we'd come; inventive genius. I have a liver, sir, a torpid liver-in fact, torpid is
And HAROLD, their king, hardly the word. It has been attacked with all the drugs in the
a tall, yellow hair'd Pharmacopceia, but with no result. The faculty have given it up th
muff, despair, and I am convinced that nothing but a totrier-dog, takeft
Who was dying his locks internally, will ever succeed in shaking it As it requires. Well,
with auricomus stuff, sir! we have beef lozenges, the strength of an ox, in short, condensed
Was heard to observe with for the convenience of deglutition. Do you mean to tell me that there
uncommon surprise, is no way of rendering a terrier swallowable? Nonsense! I present
."0 golly I Geewilikins! the suggestion to the inventive genius of Great Britain, and all I ask
Bless us My eyes!" in return is the first dog-for-deglution, and I should like it silvered.
Out minstrel went first whent we charged on the foe, Yours, etc.,
And sang Not for ROLAND, 0 dear, not for Ro! A LIvRTMxA*.
And GoulRNAY and MONTFORT, and many a brave knight,
Join'd loud in the chorus and rush'd to the fight;
And Durn WiLLIAm exclaimed nearly stunn'd by the noise, Tai Sgookn-DAit.-Croquet. I TIDY TIrnz.-Spruee Beer.
"Faith you're all out of tune, but 0! go it, my boys! PAPER CoLLAR.-Serving a Writ.
TOL. TII. C
[MARcH 28, 1868.
A QUEER CUT.
Well! Perhaps Messrs. Quarto, Canto, and Sons, the well-known publishers, have
some right to complain of the Artist who sent in the above as one of the illustrations
for their forthcoming edition of BYRON. The artist says it illustrates the line :-
"Whacks to receive, and marble to retain."
Beppo, stanza xxxiv.
THE DRESS AND THE DREAM.
L Stnrp in 6l reet S~ubbrrs.
ALGERNON LARDY was a poet and a spoon. The terms are ineon-
gruous, but not contradictory.
FAIRY FULLY hovered about his walks, and from his earliest child-
hood marked him for her own.
He was beloved by his sister's governess, and great at WATTs's
hymns. What wonder that in those early days he was scorched with
the fire of poetry. It must indeed be a; prosaic child who can resist
the fascination of the fatal doctor, or the tender blandishments of
kindly poets BRADY and TATE.
We will pass over the eccentricities of ALGERNON's childhood. To
sit at an open window in a night-shirt, composing sonnets to the moon
is not an enviable occupation. But we may have done the same thing
ourselves. In one important particular the boy ALREnNON may be
fairly pronounced singular. Soothed by the silky softness of its
caudal extremity, at the early age of six he dedicated a whole volume
of poems to his grandmother's cat. This was indeed a recognition of
Years rolled away, and ALGERNON grew up. It is an extraordinary
circumstance, but years will roll away, and ALGERNONS will grow up.
Detestable in his childhood, he was even more hateful in his youth.
In addition to his other ills, he became pragmatical and spotty. Boys
will be boys.
Still years rolled away, and still the poet grew. At least, his hair
did. The poet may be pronounced to have been dumpy, if not insig-
A LITTLE MUSIC.
WHEN I come home at night,
Cross, and not over-bright,
Post-prandial pipe alight,
'Twould render you sick.
Deck'd in her smartest gown,
My dragon hurries down;
Ready for Camden Town,
A Little Music!
Mildly I curse my fate,
Cabby I execrate;
Safe now at JONES's gate,
Hinges want oiling.
Raining! yes cats! and dogs!
Dragon has left her clogs;
Fast sticks the gate,-poor togs !
Gloves I am spoiling.
Once through the hated gate,
Mild in the hall I wait;
Dragons will tittivate,
Green-grocers eye so!
I stand in agony,
Joxss longs to pounce on me;
JONES I'm so glad to see !
V n enould I lie so P
Angular damsels yell,
Rubbish by CLARIBEL ;
All of a kidney.
Folks think this heavenly,
I feel inclined to cry;
Just as in days gone by,
List'ning to SYDNy !
JONES, he is somewhat cool,
Shows me the music-stool!
Dances, the horrid fool,
He then proposes.
So then I have to sit,
While they are going it.
Give in! oh, not a bit,
Dear Dragon dozes.
Galops! and valse again!
Sandwiches-'gainst the grain;
JONES'S well-known champagne,
Making a few sick.
Feeling inclined to snore,
Gladly we reach our door;
Never! ah! never more!
A Little Music!
Careless of a greasy coat-collar and a generally dishevelled appear-
ance, ALGERNON LARDY discovered that he had an aching void.
He tore his long hair, and tossed about on his tumbled bed, but still
he had an aching void.
A generous friend interposed to fill up the hateful gap. CORNELIus
MULLANY was determined that society should not lose one of its
brightest stars. Pardon his enthusiasm. He was of Celtic origin.
At eight o'clock in the evening of 10th January, ALGERNON
LARDY received the following important document:-
XEight o'clock. Small and early.
An answer will oblige.
The poet sighed, and wrote a sonnet to an imaginary being.
Now PARKINS was a publisher. The morning before Mas. PAnRxuI's
dance, he had sent to a neighboring butterman an unsold edition of
LARDY'S poems. I am in error, it was an edition minus three
copies. Three bosom.friends of the poet having been privately sup-
plied by the poet with cash, ordered The Trails of a Wanderer, in three
distinct suburbs of the metropolis.
How sacred are the ties of friendship!
ALGERNON only fell down four times in the first valse, and tore ten
dresses in the first quadrille. Practice makes perfect, and why should
MARCO 28, 1868.]
.r. Croaabones and Dr. Bolus, out of work, meet at the cover 8ide.
Mr. C. (gravely) :-" FINE HEALTHY WEATHER, DocTon Dr. (with a sigh) :-" AH DELIGHTFUL, ISN'T IT ?
not the base PEzxixs's guests be practised upon ? I use the word
"base advisedly, for poets hate the publishers of unsold poems.
After supper, whereat the suburban gooseberry flowed freely, it
suddenly struck the poet that the void was likely to be filled up.
Rushing madly into an ante-room, where the bacchanalian MULLANY
was still at his orgies, ALGERNON seized his friend fiercely by the tail
of his coat and in a hoarse voice whispered :-
"To whom P?"
The angel in white muslin strewn with stars!"
CoaNaLIUS had not reckoned on this test of friendship.
It was his sister.
That night when ALGERNON hied him to- his lonely pillow he de-
posited carefully beneath it a scrap of the virgin muslin. He had
ruthlessly torn it in a mad intoxicating gallop. But what matter I
The void was filled up, and MARIA Muzx.Ny was ALGERNON'
THEY met and met again. The fated muslin was washed, turned,
dodged, contrived, altered, patched, and pieced. Wherever the lovers
met the muslin appeared in some form or other.
MARIA was not rich, but a good manager.
She certainly must have been a clever girl, for she induced ALGERNON
to cut his hair, and instructed him in the mysteries of the three-step
valse- There is no good mincing the matter. They married. Years
rolled away more rapidly than ever; so rapidly, indeed, as to drag
along with them every atom of poetry out of the poet's composition.
The dark realities of life deaden sentiment, and ALGERNON'S married
life was one long fight between the rival claims for payment of the
butcher and the baker. He was tortured by mental calculations of the
relative advantages of the retail grocer and the Civil Service store.
The grocer won the day, for ready money was not a luxury of which
the poet boasted.
So days and years rolled on, and ALGERNON LARDY became a
middle-aged, prosaic nonentity.
MARIA did her duty by him, and nagged his head off. In spite of
her harsh ways, there was still a scrap of poetry left in ALOERNON'S
composition. He dreamed one night of the days that were. That night
MRs. LARDY was awakened from her slumbers by a terrific crash.
ALGERNON was not by her side. Chairs and wardrobe, dresses and
towel-horse were flung about the room in reckless confusion.
And where was ALGERNON ?
Horror of horrors! He was waltzing madly about the room with
No, he was not mad. She had done it all.
Sweet memories lingered yet about the well-remembered muslin
dress, converted now into a petticoat to hide the hideousness of a plain
deal dressing-table He loved her still!
And the husband and wife were reconciled.
The Seat of Learning.
SORIBLERUs was endeavouring to console a friend who had been
severely handled by the reviewers. "'Tis useless said SctiBLEnUS,
"to inveigh against the critic, who can but write according to his
lights." But in this instance replied his friend "tojudge from his
bilious snarling, he has only been writing according to his liver!"
A FRIEND of ours who is devoted to his plants tells us that he is
convinced that certain flowers of his acquaintance are called Sinner-
arias because they are such sinners in the matter of bringing green-
fly into the conservatory.
THE LAND FOR THE COMIc.-Cape Grin-eh ?
8 F U N. [.eMA 28, 1808.
Written after 1 Y i to the Olympic.
oh, SAivy GArM! Of honest people of your stamp, ma'am,
To find a score or even more-the Cynic would not need his lamp, ma'a I
For far and wide on ev'ry side there quite as many, I'm afraid, are
As on each hedge, so folks allege, the plenteous blackberries displayed gre.
Just gaze around-what lots are found, of honest men (in common d1efqin)
Whose honour, sense, or wealth immense has no existence but in fiction.
SOh, there be few who never knew the great promoters and projectors
Who whem they blow a bqbble Co." obtain from fancy their directors.
And thpre's a host of mi@ that boast how many lords as friends they gaze 91,
Whpse armh no work c mpileda by BiRax was ever called upon to blazon.
1How many too ftomp far Poru to China quote their travels daring,
And still, I we ', hwgyp np er been ten miles beyond the Cross of Charing !
'Why scores, TI noY, the world's Qreat Show declare they saw last year at Paris,
Yet spaw pnQ pag p lli hc shore than you set eyes on MRS. HAunIS I
E In p: toup fones will MWs. JONwE of "better days" and "losses" gibber
Yet has abfa n'ter. as I can swear, had anything to lose-the fibber!
thI-er's Fitoqt will plead for cash-his need to meet a bill of large amount is-
But that sa&e bill, assert I will, drawn on imagination's fount is!
Just ask your friend TOM BROWNE to lend you twenty pounds-or qake it fifty;
/1 ', 0- 1A t He blaep6s his fate, "you're just too late-in fact he must himself be thrifty,
... Confoued! and dash! last week all cash available in funds invested "
rThose fnds, I guess, would nothing less than fancy stocks turn out if tested.
Thpee's MAJOR JAW who service saw the great Peninsular campaign in-
lYet ne'er was there! His martial air was built some French ch4teau-in-Spain in!
I There'p BRAGG whose name all lists proclaim, which tell the world how many
A B afnd 0, with D and E, subscribe when sought a lot of tin is
To whitewash blacks, or scatter "tracks "-for Charity I Yet gentle Charis
I fey you'll find for men so blind no more exists than Mas. HARRIS!
Oh, SAIRBY GAMP, oh SAIREY AMp This world "a wale," oh SAIREY GAMP, is!
And pow and tbh'" the best of men (like PEcjsNwrF) but a sorry scamp is.
S \I've, on my word, a sermon heard so clever I should like to quote it-
Denouncing shams, and bars, and cram4s-yet he who preached it never wrote it !
I feel remorse th t fine discourse to fix a qualifying term on
But am compelled to own I held it Mas. H.'s funeral sermon.
I've known, also, a medico experiment where sickness floored him,
And try to kill his patient till kind nature stepping in restored him!
Well, thereupon our doctor shone with conscious skill and self-laudation,
As if he'd not his wisdom got from MRS. H. -in consultation !
And eke in Law you'll find the flaw Divinity and Physic suffer,
Some juniors drag a heavy bag, but every paper there's a duffer.
Mere empty show-it's wrong you know-a swindle! And yet many a barris-
Ter's earliest brief, I own with grief, has been the case of MaRS. HARuIS."
MRS. ROW I IN AMERICA. 'ere to bring up them four I wouldn't do it, for I'm sure I never could
Stand bein' sauced by young people as parents is here, and'll set a-
O ME DoaSTi[ LIFE. gripnin' the same as Hfias. BLIsp, as I Qonsiders no better than a fool
I MeST say as the 'M'errykins is werry nice people, but certingly to let that boy as is only just turned fourteen order 'or about and call
they do 'ave a many singlier ways with them, and of all things as' I 'er them names if the tea wasn't ready as never can be honorin' your
don't hold with it's the way as they've got of livin' in boardia' 'oases father and your mother as I told 'im, but she only says, "Keep your
and never 'avia' a 'ome of their own, as I'm sure there's Hissis DELANYa head shut old blatheread," as made my blood bile ag'in.
as is own niece to Mas. SIcrDfORE, and married t) a young mm as is Well, Mts. DELANY she come in and said as she was a-goin' to the
only in the faraiture line, but law as many hairs as though she were Fire Plug Ball as they calls it and says, Oh Mas. BRowN do come."
born a Ooiuness, and dressel out with a pale set green dross, and black I says, "Law bless you my dancin' days 'ave been over this many a
welwet cape trimmed with bugles, and a bonnet the size of the palm of long year."
yor 'and, and a train a-draggia' behind 'er a-pickin' up every bit of "Oh," she says, I've promise DEa.Ny as I won't danoe, I'm only
dirt, and a-grin' out to pay wisits, and a-leavia' two poorlittle children a-goia' to look on as 'ave got two seats in a box."
as the eldest wasn't eighte in months 'ardly, to a bit of a gal as were as I says, I ain't a-goin to set on a box all night for to see no balls."
will as a pony, with no more 'eid than a pin. "Oh," she says, the bill is a-goin' to be at the theater and the
Well, she c )e in all hairs a-sayin' as she'd 'ad enough of 'ouse- boxes is to be full of parties a-lookin' on." She says, Oh, do come."
keeping and would like for to come and board with M is. SKIDIORE, as I didn't like to be ill-natured, but I would not go till I see them two
is a bad plau throw' being' related. I says to myself as it would never poor children in bed, so I went in for to fetch 'er, ani a bitter cold
end well, no more it never did, and I'm sure that 'ou4e is quite full night it was, and took the key of the door, tho' Jos said he'd be sure
enough already, and glad I was as I were a-goin' to leave it, thro' JOE to be up as we wasn't to be later than twelve.
avin' got worry nice rooms, tho' 'is wife is a rank sloven, and four Well, what with one thing and another it was nearly nine afore we
children with no more management than a pin's 'ead. Not as ever I started, and got on to a car as took us down to the ferry as we crossed
interfered, for she was a real kind daughter to me, but wouldn't 'ave on a steam-boat, and then got a 'bus as were to take us close by, and a
lived with 'er permanent, was it ever so. nice long ride it were. And when we got to the theater as the ball were
Well, as I were a-sayin' that Mas. DELANY wasn't never 'appy out of at Mas. DrELANY took off her cloak and 'ood, as she wore.
the streets, but got on worry well with me, not as I could a-bear to see I never did, why she wasn't common decent, and 'or face all over
the way as them children was neglected, and living' within three doors powder as she'd brought with a puffin 'er pocket.
of JoE. As to poor DELANY he 'ad't much of a timq of it as 'ad to get I didn't say nothing, but follows 'er, as led the way to the box, and
'is breakfast and b3 at business afore eight, and never 'onie a'in till when we got there we was seated worry comfortable, for there wasn't
jest on nine, as is long hours, and never a comfortable meal. 'ardly nobody there, and all down below a wooden floor for dancin' on,
Jog's wife she's that delicate as cau't bear up ag'in nothing and ain't and all the place lighted up, as made me look downright dowdy thro'
long for this world, not but what I hopes she is, for as to me a-stoppin' 'avin' nothing on but my brown satinette as was a green, and 'ave
IF' U -MAIncit278, 1868.
I MARiH 28, 1868.]
dyed like new, and my cap, as was only trimmed with a bit of white
ribbon, and a little yaller shawl over my shoulders, and white thread
Well, we set ever so long, aand parties kep' a-comin' in, and at last
they all begun a-walkin' about downstairs as was dressed handsome ,
though, I should say, 'eavy for dancing .
The music soon begun for to play, and they all set to a-dancin' like
anything, and some did their steps elegant, but some was werry rough
and 'oppin' about like parched peas on a shovel, as the sayin' is.
At last MaR. DELANEY says, Oh, how I should like a dance." I
says, I'dare say "-and didn't say no more. Well, I see she was a-
nod4iF' and p-grinnin' a good deal, and at last a young feller comes up
to where we was as she paid was 'ei own cousin, in the name of SAM.
Presently hb says, Oh, KATE, we must have one dance."
She says'" You won't tell, will you Mas. BaowN ? "
I says It ain't no business of mine," but had my thoughts about
'er promising' 'er husbandd pot to dance.
Well, off she goes, and I soon see 'pr a-dancin' about like mad, and
seemed for to quite forget all about mi, and carter setting' a-long while,
I began for to get fidgety, as I knowel it must be getting' late.
I beckoned to 'er once or twice as didn't pay .0q attention, so at last
I goes down and makes my way among themi dancers, and nicely
pushed about I were, to pay nothing of the abuse.
Well, when I gets down among them dancers I couldn't see nothing
on 'er and wandered 11 over the place a-lookin' for 'er, at last I see
" Supper room" wrote up.
So down I goes, and there I found my lady a-drinkin' champagne,
and a-goin' on a-gigglin' and larfin' like mad.
"'Oh!" she says, SAM went to look for you to bring you down to
I'ays, I don't want no supper, but wants to get 'ome."
She says, I must have one dance after supper."
I says, You may dance 'till daylight, but 'bme I go."
Oh I" she says, You mustn't leave me."
I says, "I will so." I says, Give me the ticket to-getmy things."
She bu'sts out a larfin', and says, I've got you."
I says, I'll 'ave my things," and begun to be downright angry.
So she says, I promise you it shall be only one dance, so do go
back to the box."
I says, No! I'll stop here just for one dance," and so I did, tho'
it were dreadful draughty in that passage enough for to turn a mill.
That dance were a precious long one, and I was a-losing my patience
when up comes my lady, all in a 'eat, and says, We must 'urry
'ome." So we gets our cloaks and bonnets and off we went.
I didn't much fancy the way as that cousin of MRS. DELANY'S were
a-goin' on, and so I told 'er pretty plain as made 'er cross.
We'got out of the theater and was just a-turnin' a corner when
someone give a rush at us pushed me violent agin' the railia's, and
knocked that 'ere CousIN SAM as 'ad 'old of Mas. DELANY's arm, slap
into the road.
She give a violent scream as a man ketched 'old on 'or as were 'er
The feller as she called 'or CousIN SAM he got up and run off like a
lamplighter, as the sayin' is, and if that DfLaNY didn't turn on me
and call me all the awful names as he could lay 'is tongue to.
So I says, "You're a nice low set and I don't want to be seen with
you," and off I walks.
I walked on and on a-'opin' to get a car or a 'bus or something and
at last was pretty nigh dropping' till I asks a perliceman as said there
wasn't no cars no more that night and I 'ad to walk, leastways crawl
every step of the way down to the ferry, and there 'ad to wait 'arf-a-'our
till the boat was off and thought as we never should get across the
river for the ice.
When we got to the other side the place was all blocked up with it,
nnd I 'ad for to be dragged over a place as were highlyy dangerous and
jest on three o'clock in the morning' and no car a going to start for a
'our, socouldn'tstop a-dawdlin' about there in the cold, and on I walked,
a-taking it gently thro' it being all up 'ill, and never got to JOE'S place
till jest on four o'clock, and pretty nigh dead with cold. Its well as
they'd kept the stove alight or I should 'ave died, and if JoE's wife
didn't get out of 'er bed to see after me, as worreted me more than any-
I never 'eard no more of the DELANEYS for over a fortnight, when
she'd run away from 'im and left them two innercent babes to perish
like, as is the act of a she-devil, as 'angin' is too good for 'er in my
opinion. When BRowN come back from where's he'd been to, I
says to him, "It won't never do for us to live on with JOE, as gives is
wife too much trouble, so we'll go back to MRS. SKIDMORE ; as is far
from comfortable, but will do as well as anywhere else, for as to com-
fortable it ain't a word as is to be found among them."
All I've got to say is, if that's one of their grand balls, it's as tag-rag
and bob-tail a set-out as ever I see, and must end bad when a young
woman with only a shopman for a husband as he ain't no better, goes
about withalong train, and diamonds in 'er ears, as can't be got honestlyy
and don't become 'er station in life, as is what they don't seem for
to understand, as is the cause of all the trouble and must end bad, I
should say some day.
DOUBLE ACUO0TIC.-No. 55,
THa Poet loved his garden small,
And viewed his vernal treasures
With deea delight; but most of all
These filled his heart with pleasures.
At length one morning, sad to tell,
All butchered did he view them:
This means the flowers he loved so well;
SThat means the thing that slow them.
1 -A tiny islet crowned with nodding palm,
Belted with boisterous billows all about.
A crystal bay of everlasting calm,
Where coral ledges keep the breakers out.
2.-A sight of awe, with knife and saw,
The looks of which unman you,
The steel he'll draw to mend your jaw,
To lop you, or trepan you.
3.-There was a bard who once embodied
Tn verse the tales of ancient folk:
Wherever afterwards he nodded,
'Twas in this isle that first he woke,
It was-in one brief line to draw it-
His birth-place, though he never saw it 1
4.-All we, who ptrut and fret our little dates
Upon life's stage, have these, so SHAKESPEAREAU states.
6.-Oh, muff I
If you were up to snuff,
You'd know that this is just enough.
SOLUTION TO AcRosTIc No. 63.-Marchl, Winds: Mew, Ali, Rowan,
SOLUTroNs or AonorTre No. 53, aRoRivRn MAf UCH Ith:-Day; Elton; Bessie S.;
Disorderly Room; Two Charitable Grinders; L. II.; Delta: W. G.; Coombein
Snakes and Snuffers; S. P.: Ovington Owl; A. MCe.; S. J.T. W.: Yorkshire Fox;
Wag; J. H.I.O; M. J. T.; W. F.: Two Op3ssums; Winandorensls; F. )D.
A. C. I.; Ruby; 11 M. E.: Busy Boe; Ken; Great Bonasus; Bravo Ned
E. M. If.; Shorneliff,: ;-les: W. H.F. It.; Edenkvle: It. S. K.; Lulu;
First Time; WV. H. T : I. W. T.; 1. B.; Betsy I1.; Polar; Ashliton
Bedlamites; Whole Win t for Joe; Sprat; The Combined St. George's; A. M.
[We can take no noticee of communications with illegible signatures or
monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unaccepted M88.
or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope
but we cannot enter into correspondence regqrding then, nor do we hold
ourselves responsible for lo8s.]
r. F. G. (Cologne.)-We could not think of using your Ode de Cologne-
it does not bear the name of Jean Marie Farina.
C. A. M.-Not a bad idea, but unsuitable.
F. A. H. (Edmonton) had better be a good boy and stick to his lessons,
instead of attempting comic copy.
QUrESTOn.-Your suggestion is ingenious-but wouldn't pay.
J. H. T.-Declined with thanks; the blocks maybe called for.
J. M. (Tunbridge-wells.)--Your contributions were declined, but the
signature was illegible.
E. A. D. (Southwold) would like a P. 0. 0. for the old bill about Two
men and a boy, two hods of mortar," etc. We daresay he would; perhaps a
chequA for the invention of the Alphabet would be equally acceptable.
M. D. (Accrington).-The conversation "actually took place," no doubt;
no one would have taken the trouble to invent it, it's so stupid.
Ass (Worthing).-As-you were-thing!
E. A. K.-Under consideration.
AN EAST LONDON CAMPANOLOGIST.-The artist's signature.
QUERIST.-We only notice what is sent to us for review.
B. (Kensington.)-The notion was anticipated.
J. N. (Warrington.)-Thanks.
J. M. S.-Both are correct, as you will see if you try thinking as a way
out of your puzzle.
Declined with thanks :-Dot and Carry One ; 0. S., Barnsbury; T. WV. C.
Compound Householder; W. ; F. T. E., Hammersmith; M. B., Northumn-
berland-street; Y. Y. Y.; H. S., Cornhill; S. X.; S., Brompton Cemetery;
H. M., Camden-town; J. C. H., Holloway: C. F. C.. Brighton; W. G. B.,
Chelsea; A. W., Edinburgh; Pat; T. V. P.; W. S., Birmingham;
G. C. C., Leinster-sqtuare; R. W., Poplar; T. T.; G. F. C., Greenwich;
V. M.; W. N. W., Hastings; Tottenham; A. S., Redcar; H. B. R.,
Bishop Stortford; P. A. E.; R. E. H., Malvern; Arthur Pigwillin;
Philopmgmnon; Apophthcgma; F. W., Duke-street; E. A. S.D.; Perpetrator.
34 I F N. [M1cn 28, 1868.
-- ... ------ _-,-R M 8
IN reds, purples, yellows, blues, oranges, greens,
Comes the rainbow procession of cheap magazines!
There's the famous Cornhill, once the sheaf of the tribe,
I'm inclined now as sickle-y its state to describe.
There's Macmillan for scholars, the studious classes,
Conducted by MAssON, but not for the masses.
There's St. Paul's with its TROLLOPB has lately come in,
And seems to go swimmingly on with its Finn."
(T's novels of course are the best for St. Paul's,
Being just what "the novel dome-estic" one calls).
There's Tinsley's, with YATES for its nurse ;-and 'tis said,
The nurse sends the infant that he rocks ahead.
There, London Society prosperous sails,
Like society given to cuts and to tales.
There's Belgravia, Miss BRADDON'S, a strong preparation,
Of the WHITE-est of stories and darkest sensation.
There's the Argosy, chartered by Mas. H. WooD,
To get a good sale on a fresh tack has stood.
Temple Bar, like its sponsor, the gate, appears shaken,
(To prop them both up early steps should be taken),
It might gang its gate" with an editor canny-
I've heard an arch whisper that mentioned JAMEs HTANAT
St.James's looked worse and the prophets they cried,
They'd ne'er be astonished to hear it had died;
But its owners such public prognostics to diddle,
Will not give it up now it's such a good RmIDLE.
There's Good Words which cost little "- though some words at times,
Cost more than they're worth, witness TENNYSmN'S rhymes;
There's Cassell's, a tower of strength, from which Fame,
Calls with loud SPEKE-ing trumpet Moy THOMAS'S name.
And there's Broodway whose strides must be something gigantic,
For it boasts of a footing both sides the Atlantic.
These be some of the popular cheap magazines,
The list's not exhaustive at all-by no means!
For they spring up so quickly it's not vety clear,
Twenty more won't be out ere these lines can appear.
In flights come the writers of prose and of verse,
The smart and the solemn, the prolix, the terse.
The writers of padding, the writers of puff,
And the numerous aimy of writers of stuff.
Like the martyrs of old all the artists they flock,
And insist upon placing their heads on the block.
And the woodcutters find it all works for their good,
For they're all of them hollowing out of the wood "-
Though some of them cut with a somewhat too quick axe;
There's DicK has a chopper, and ToM-has a pick-axe,
And into the drawings so fiercely they drop,
Their engraving can scarce be entitled "first chop!"
~HILL A ,
1 N "i
SMARea 28 1868.
ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
Tom, who has come to grief at College, has been making a clean breast of his pecuniary difficulties.
Fond Mr.tIhr :-" BUT, MT DEAR, YOU HAVE MADE A VERY BAD RETURN FOR ALL YOUR FATHER'S UNREMITrING KINDNESS "
Tomr:--' TuAI's JUfST UBSRE IT WAS. IF HE HAD HAD THE KINDNESS TO REMIT A LITTLE OFTENER I SHOULD HA'J IIKED IT BETTER. "
IF anybody wiahes to see a supernaturally good young man (in six
acts), let him go to me Haymarket Theatre and contemplate MR.
So Ra N in.A Hi of Rt-.,a *- the latest of Da. WESTLAND MARSTON'S
comedies. Rarely, if ever, in this wicked world has it been given us
to behold such ptrseavernn nobility of conduct, combined with such
capacity for smation headers." In one point only did we find
lit. SolatEN's character deficient. Being steward in a largely
populAted household, somewhere about Brittany, it was his duty to
convince the audience of him proficiency in keeping the accounts of
trhe establhshment and controlling its domestic affairs. To leap grace-
fully from the ruins of a castle without sustaining the slightest injury
is doubtless a very valuable accomplishment; but a steward-even
the moil romantic steward-is a steward. We should have been more
gratified with Mi. S,:raizE's impersonation if we had seen him cast
up the family bills of a few tradesmen, or heard him discuss the merits
ol the co-operative system. Of course we lay our dissatisfaction at
the door ot the author, not at that of the actor. DoTron M31RSTON
should have made lns hero less acrobatic and more arithmetical; he is
much too virtuous to be worth a salary. This extravagantly angelic
portraiture of the leading character is the only fault we have to find
with the new play. There is great tact, brilliancy, and stage-knowledge
in it; and, in spite of its half-dozen acts (which are smuggled in under
the names c.f prologue and tableaux), it is not at all tedious. Ma.
S.THeaRN plays the serious bits of his part with his usual solemnity
and vibration of utterance. Mh. BUCKSTONE is MR. BUCKSTONE; MR.
CHiPPENDALE does as much as can be done with a most ungenial
character, and Ms. Coepi;.,n delivers his words with unction and
effect, though shunted from his ordinary line of business. Miss
MaIos Roesars.N inlfuBes much spirit and grace into her representa-
tion of the mudernized Beatrice who forms the heroine of Le Romwan
d'un .Jeune Homme Pauvre. Miss IoNs BURKE plays her best scene-
the one with Ma. SOTHERN-admirably; and MRs. CHIPPENDALE
makes a charming materfamilias. We owe a word (in fact, a whole
sentence) of praise to Ma. O'CONNOR for the really beautiful scenes
with which this comedy has been embellished; nothing could be more I
tasteful or effective.
At Drury Lane Rob Roy has been again put forward; we simply
mention this revival in order to testify our admiration for Miss FANNY
HUDDART'S admirable performance of Helen McGregor. This is the
only alteration in last year's cast of the drama.
Miss FINETTE is drawing mobs to the Alhambra, where she capers
out of her mind nightly in one of the best ballets ever put upon any
stage. FINrTTs is very mad-perhaps dreadfully unladylike; but
that her dancing is indecent we have not as yet, begging the LORD
CHAMBERLAIN'S pardon, been able to discover. In fact, remembering
the funereal solemnities of a British quadrille, we look upon FINETTE
as an actual relief, and should like to see a few grains of that young
person's gaiety and verve "adapted from the French."
A MEMBER of a crack corps wishing to make as many bull's-eyes as
possible in shooting for prizes has adopted the singular practise of
drinking nothing but ox-eye-gen water.
Why are the French cooks so successful in dressing horseflesh ?-
Because they have a knack-er doing it.
TwIG HIS LITTLE GAME P-What a fugitive bankrupt wants.-A
36 F TJ N [MARCH 28, 1868.
Debate was full of interest. As for the young nobleman last-men-
UR FU N-DO NE LETTER. tioned, he knew less of his part that he did in the more congenial
sphere of Strand Burlesque. He broke down almost, and lost his head,
SCANNOT help thinking it id to be e gretted though his thus getting rid of his weak point did not aid him. He
That the proposed dinner to ei. sEAEtefl had better henceforth satisfy his aotition with the part of a Parlia-
t on foot by a number of literary mentary super. He might carry a bluifier foa his patty-he'll never
S he should side fallen to th -p. .ut, adr that WE are having provokingly fine iatther. Roses and peas-the
hLiterary Fund. Myresde at e d.nr t. lthe Beautiful and the Useful, if LoD LY4ION will permit the to say so-
.-is, that the Fund is nice little "Itit tre going ahead much too fast. The f-tuit trees are in full bloom, and
,for a lot of respectable old lAdits 41 lto rd' everything looks as if it were really 'Srting, instead of being a glimpse
Sforalot of respectable little a..f f itnshine to be succeeded by cold winds and frosts. Of course, it
don't do much harm e itrlrd hat flon. t eri tI S be Spring; but after having eeefi now on the Derby Day, I
have been b(ticr to kethe ltr DISary profesion. terthen iti ever believe that it is Spring ulitil about Midsummer Day.
hauesbeon betd. 0 k r toeep M.rDiSeAnes from press idiere ttoie spleuididtampton
although to him the prEsiding over one shAtnl ttf ot r MjB Ab A X or two since I was allowed to peel it the renovated beaiuties
matter little. But it is a pity that those who wish to do libti te oIf Crosby Hall. The fine old City nevtsi'g n has'been taken by a bl
his tahnts should be comic elled at the same time to couttitbtk ie *hich purposes to make a chedp ad good d)irg place. It has ten
.L.F.; and, on the other hand, it is bard on supporters of Ie I.L. a itred iii admirae taste, and I should think at a far greater Ox-
fdt L n ditiro than it vu he eet a iply showy in the
wvho may happen to be opposed to the Premier, that they should he dturethanitould have needed to e it simply showy in the
let-in fr a DIA tAtt dinner. For my own part, though I don't agree gimrck point of view, so that Ithe (tii I attention to arechologia l
with the new Preffifr, I should like to go to a DISRAELI dinner, but ropiety displayed is the more (r.lit bls. Oi16 pleasant Ithonvatln
don't cate to go to a Fund one. n the management is, that all the atteldatttbig Vt be "ehbkt handed
IELAN.D haa beepin unfairly treated for avery long period, or I should .hyllises. -------
be inclined to ri' rl the last Debate in the Commons on the Irish ampton Wlu-d
question as a s- t., r rsqgainst her grievances. There were some splendid ampto ik
speeches in it-from the Premier, from the Liberal Leader, from MR. ArbtticAut friend of outt tihi,.-..n tisl.i- g Itn F Pille allrlIes
TILL, from M].Lowit, and inatl others. And there was such a grand at Hampton Court describes th- Es-iulles of the C,:.ur ot t'IAbLES
Oiiphly of M.P.'s, good, bad, and ln0lfftent, besides the great guns. TME SEcoN '," as "the Light '.i otlhr da4ys."
Froni the speech of Mn. MAGnIRE, the fitat in point of time, to the -," -- ...-
recitation of Lo.D A. CLINTONr the las t lespect of metit, the whole THE Celtiije RAE,-TALnT'-i'i.r
- --- -
THE DISADVANTAGES OF UNCEASING GROWTH.
1. I began by being tal for my age. 6. And the navy didn't see me.
2. At school I outgrew my companions and sny clothes. 7. Chimney-sweeping was suitable, but low.
3. My increasing length became awkward on the river ; 8. I fancied emigration might improve matters.
4. And on the road. 9. But home-ties compelled my return.
5. I did not suit the army; 10. I end by selling Guide-Books to the Atonument.
APRIL 4, 1868.]
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF CLOTHES.
'HE superficial mind may consider smoke to be
inadmissible as an article of wear. But the
superficial mind, as has been wisely remarked
aby a keen observer, is nothing if not superficial.
The mind, in short, had better mind its eye if
it interferes with our definitions of clothes. If
persons can be described as clothing themselves
-with cursing, there can be no objection to our
/ considering smoke as a cloak. And indeed if
language, as a great wit declared, was given
us that we might conceal our thoughts, smoke
was undoubtedly invented in order to conceal our want of them.
Smoke is the lounging-coat of conversation. Given two men shut up
together for an hour or so-without smoke they are in a fever of
fidgety ceaseless conversation-with pipes they jerk out brief and not
utterly foolish remarks between the whiffs.
Smoke is the cosmopolitan of the clothes community. It issues
from the thick lips of the boor, and curls out from beneath the glossy
moustache of the noble. It influences alike Youth and Age, Poverty
and Wealth, Wisdom and Beauty-and by Beauty we would of course
be understood to mean
I -v ^- the Irish apple-woman
of Covent Garden. It
is not by any means
deficient in humour of
a practical nature. The
1 philosopher cannot
have failed to observe a
that the largest cigars /
as a rule choose the
smallest men, and the
smallest cigars the tallest men. We have even known an instance of
cigarettes taking a fancy to a being who was six feet two in his
stockings; but it should perhaps be added in explanation that he was
also the chosen object of a German flute.
Smoke in its solid and material form is of two kinds-pipes or cigars.
It has also an abnormal existence in the shape of a compromise known
as a cigar-holder, which boasts all the incon-
S veniences of a pipe and none of the advantages
of a cigar. It is as a rule the sign of a weak
K mind. The pipe has a tendency to enthrall
and fetter the man it smokes. The author of
"Britons never-never-never shall be slaves "
was no smoker-at least no smoker of pipes, or
he would have hesitated to make that declara-
tion in the face of the drudgery to which
Britons submit in colouring a pipe. Now, the
cigar-holder is as a rule capable of being
)(( coloured, and yet is but a sort of infantile
pipe. Let us put the result logically, after
the manner of BARBARA, CELARENT, DARII,
FESAPO, MILL, ALDRICH, and other writers on
A man who is the slave of a full-grown tyrant is to be pitied.
A man who is the slave of a despotic baby is an ass.
Therefore the man who smokes a cigar-holder is a silly.
We couch this concise logical syllogism in the popular method of
speech, but our reader must remember that as the greater contains the
less, and also because the whole is more than a part (unless they are
one or both of the same size), while a point is that which hath no
magnitude, and a line is length without breadth; therefore we would
be understood to state not that the man
smokes the cigar-holder because he is a
goose, but that the cigar-holder chooses him
because he is silly. Q. E. D.
Smoke has, indeed, a tendency to display
and make a spectacle of the weakness of
man. Hence, in the vernacular to "smoke"
any person is to make a butt of him. Thus
the youth in the margin who is worn at one
end of a large meerschaum is the object of
a pity not altogether unacidulated by con-
tempt. A permanent lop-sidedness of his
bat, lateral curvature of the spine, and a
distortion of the facial muscles are the penal-
ties paid for the glory of smoking this pipe. We have known pipes
like that in the next column,elaborate works of art to which the whole
of a man's energies besides both his hands and the right hand corner
ef his mouth were perforce devoted.
The man who values his peace of mind as well as his personal comfort
will do well to avoid such a pipe. He should decline an introduction
even though it were carved with the effigies of all the Kings of
England since the conquest. Our artist-himself a smoker, who with
the innate modesty
of genius has intro-
duced a portrait of
his own pipe in the
initial to this essay ,, L
-has humanely re-
frained from depict-
ing the whole of the
torture of smoking
such a pipe as the
above. When the
Greek painter de-
sired to express the anguish of Agamemnon at the sacrifice of
Iphigenia he concealed the face. When our draughtsman seeks to
limn the face of the agonised slave of the meerschaum he leaves it out,
and, by our halidome, we rather guess he has the advantage of the
Greek gentleman !
Pipes, like the Secretaries of Sheffield Trades' Unions, are usually
prepared to go any lengths. There are many steps in the scale
between the long stem of
the churchwarden and
almost stemless bowl of
the Irish car-driver's
dhudheen. The men who
belong to these pipes
respectively, are very -
liarities of the pipes. The
car-driver has an irre-
pressible admiration for
$1 "something short," and
likes that something
sweet and strong. The pot-house orator, who
is the smoker generally selected by the church-
warden, is passionately fond of arguments as
long-winded and slender as his pipe. Whenever
he removes the red sealing-wax tip from
between his solemn lips, some sententious
platitude is sure to issue with the cloud of
congenial and cognate smoke. "My good
friend, Ma. JONES, if he will allow me to call
him so;" "Our esteemed fellow-townsman, and
worthy brother tradesman, MIR. BLINKS;" (I /
"MR. CODGER has kindly consented to pro- /
mote the harmony and conviviality of this
auspicious evening, gentlemen;" these are some of the wiso saws
which he seems to suck in from vacancy through the long white stem,
as a baby absorbs ass's milk from a patent bottle.
The short clay, or cutty, first mentioned by CICERO, in his speech
pro Milone, is a far
More active and
handy article than
8 the churchwarden. ,
It generally pitches
upon young and V "1 '
busy men as its
subjects. The worst
4s thing known
Sa against it is its /
tendency to colour.
and, therefore, to
become tyrannical and exacting like the meerschaum. The really
philosophical pipe, so far as our researches have carried us, is the
brier-root. It is incapable of the despotic desire to colour, and
it is sweet and clean, and what is more important, it is to all practical
purposes indestructible, whereas the pipes of clay, whether of the
superior or inferior class, are fragile, for as the poet has feelingly
I never had a meerschaum swell
To glad me with its fragrant smoke
But when it came to colour well
It somehow managed to get broke."
Some clothes are irrepressible, ineradicable, autocratic. Chignons,
chimney-pot hats, and crinoline, are garbs that man and womankind
have vainly endeavoured to emancipate themselves from. But they
are immortal and indestructible. Smoke is equally powerful, and
possesses as much tenacity of life. Railway companies have fulminated
their bye-laws against it, but every railway station in the kingdom
has an odour of departed pipes about it. Ladies set their faces against
it, but have begun to learn that to banish the pipe is to exile the
TOL. VII. D
[APRIL 4, 1868.
husband, to empty the home and fill the club smoking-room. Where- curtains;" or, "She was always accustomed to it at home, poor dear
fore, Nature is giving us in woman a modern example of that develop- papa always had his pipe the last thing." The all-pervading influence
ment of which DARWIN writes the ancient history. As the elephant, of smoke has even carried by storm the strongholds of Royalty.
compelled to depasture on the rifled nectaries of the antediluvian flora, Placards once existed prohibiting smoking on the premises at Windsor
gradually developed into the bumble-bee, so woman, obliged to put up Castle. But the premises must have been illogical, since the conclu-
with tobacco, is beginning to adapt herself to the situation. She sion drawn from them is that the heir to the throne smokes-be it
doesn't dislike the smell;" or, It keeps the moth out of the reverently spoken-like a lime-kiln.
THE NATIONAL GALLERY.
(Mary Ann Hoggins to Amelia Hodge.)
MY DEAn 'MBELY.-This comes hopining to find you as it leave me
at preasunt, and why you should keep a-stickin' down in that precious
dull place of a Pogely Rugis when there's places as misseses is cryin'
their eyes out for to get survents in London is to me nothing but
americal. Not but what places here, except where you git into a family
where a footman is kep', is but a life little better than a black nezer,
as I always says service is no inhenrytance, but SAM, he says, "Wait
a bit," and w'en his aunt dies as he shall go into a public house if not
the general line, which his calling' now is a animal purweya, better
known as cat's meat, and a good ready money conexion, with ten lb. in
the Post off his Savin's bank. What made me begin about SAMUEL I
don't hardly no, 'xcept as it was yesterday my day out and we on that
akount met, at least I waited for him at the yousual place as is where I
should ha' told you of before; a great building known as the Natural
Gallery: and so, as I always says to SAM, a good name too for them as
is sitiwated like us. Not but what its tegus a-settin' there on them
cane-bottomed forms, as seems somehow not to be made for to give
comfort and nothing to look at but a parcel o' picters on the walls, and
yet, lor' bless you, the skores as came there to stare at 'em when it's a
bright day enuf to see whatever they're about, which I must say as
yesterday were one of the loveliest days as even the Natural Gallery
itself couldn't look to say dull, and I jest took a glance round as I
knew I was ten minits too early for Sam.
I was glad as SAM come in when he did, for not seen' no prices put
on the picters, I asked a elderly person as was a-lookin' at one, making
his double fist into a telescope, as I thought was his playful ways, how
much he thought as would be asked for the feller to it, which one on
'em was a portrick of a young woman and the other of a young man,
as having a few more things on than a-many as was there, I thought
becoming and what do you think that old party said, but that them
picters had cost thousands to the nation, which the Government had
bought 'em cheap at that. I looked at him scornful, as haven't been
away from the country to be took in like that, and says, "You ought
to know better, at your time o' life, to give yourself to such a falsity.
As," I says, "I may be countrybread, but I've seen a-many better
down the City-road as might be had frame and all," I says, for eleven
or twelve shillin's; and I shouldn't mind going' to thirteen if they'd
part 'em, which the young woman is a bold-faced pig, as I wouldn't
hang her likeness in no room of mine."
"Why," he says, "your in the Natural Gallery, and these pictures
is worth millions." Oh, indeed," I says ; I didn't know as I were
a-talking to the proprietor," I says, quite genteel, and makes him a
curchy as grand as you please, and so turns on my 'eels, as SAM came
up that minnit to know what was up, and I says, Oh, nothing but a
gentleman, or, leastways, a party," I says, "as thinks as he's a-talkin'
to a flat," I says, "as is perhaps only natural, when he wants to make
me believe as picters worth milliums would be poked away by the
Government in a place as the Institute at Pogely Rugis is a pallis to,
and a dungeon for darkness, let alone that all the walls is hung
higgledy-piggledy, so as nobody can't see nothing' of 'em."
I must now conclude, becos I've got no more candle, missis usin' the
patent half-hour lights, as goes out sudden and leave you in darkness.-
MAIY ANN HOGGINS.
IN the Saturday Review of the 14th ult., for "The Girl of the
Period" read ", The Girl of the Periodical."
APRIL 4, 1868.]
A HERO OF ROMANCE.
ACT I.-Victor's lodgings in Paris.
VICTOR.-I am a penniless Marquis-and oh, so hungry !
Enter URsuLI, with tray of food.
URSULI.-I have brought you some dinner.
VICTOa.-Dinner? Never! Away with it!
UasumL.-But I don't want you to pay for it-it's a present.
VICTOR--Oh, indeed-that's quite another matter. Leave it there
and be off. [Hepegs into it.
Enter DoCTOR LAFITTE.
LAPITTE.-I am a retired army doctor, so I go about in white leather
breeches, jack boots, and undress cavalry frock.
VICToa.-You do, my friend, you do!
LAFITTE.-Victor, you are dreadfully poor-marry a rich patient of
mine who is dying for your title.
LAFITTE.--Another way-a wealthy family named Dumont wants a
steward-will you accept the post P
VICTOR.-What ? Work for my living in a subordinate capacity ?
Am I not a marquis ?
VICTOR.-And yet, as I am starving, I may as well. Doctor Lafitte,
I accept your offer. But I must conceal my rank.
LAFITTE.--Good. The pleasures of a glass of wine with you!
[They liquor up.-Tableau.
ACT IT.-A salon in the Chdteau .Dumont. Madame -Dumont discovered
surrounded by M. .De Vaudray, Blanche, and several other ladies.
General laughter at something saidjust before the rising of the curtain.
All chaff each other, and laugh at repartees. Audience wish they
could hear them, as, to judge from the amusement they produce, the
repartees must be above the average.
MADaME DUMONT.-Here is our new steward.
Enter VICTOR. All sneer.
ViCTOR.-They sneer because I am a steward! Well, no matter!
(Sees Blanche.) Ha! What beauty!
VICTOR.---Pon my life, you're a deuced fine gal!
BLANCHE.--Monsieur Victor !
VicroR.-Uncommonly lovely, 'pon my life. Never saw such a
BLANCHE (aside).-He is but a steward, but he speaks with the
polished address of a practised courtier!
VICTro.-Drawing, eh ? (Looks at her sketch.) Ah, it's all wrong,.
lovely gal. I'll give you some lessons some day. (In a burst of courtly
admiration.) You really are a deuced handsome woman!
BLANCHE.-Sir, you forget yourself!
VICTOR (aside).-Confusion! The natural instinct that prompts a
Marquis to pay delicate compliments asserted itself in spite of my
humble position as a salaried steward! (Aloud) Lovely gal, I apologise!
I will go and visit a distant portion of the domain.
MADAME DuMONT,-But you will take a horse ?
M. Dn VAUDRAY.-Give him the fiery untamed Tartar steed Black
Something! (Aside.) He'll break his neck !
ALL.-No, not the untamed Tartar steed! That were too dreadful!
VICTOR.-Bring forth the animal!
A SsavANT.-Sir, he is at the door.
[VICTOR rushes out, mounts the untamed steed, rides him up and down behind
the scenes for about half a minute while the ladies watch him breathlessly
VicTOR.-The beast is subjugated!
[But he doesn't ride him to the distant portion of the domain, for all that.
ACT ITI.-Park of the Chateau Dumont. Enter VICTOR.
VicTOR.-Blanche still scorns me !
Enter MoLLE. BUSIGNY, a Governess.
MDLLE BUSIGNY (aside).-I have discovered that heis a Marquis. I
will marry him, (Aloud) Victor, I love you.
VicroR.-Eh ? Well, really, you know-
MDLLB. BUSIGNY.-You reject me P 'Tis well! Revenge [Exit.
BLANCHE.-I scorn ye, Steward. (Aside) I will ride to the Tower
of Elfen, and see the ruins by moonlight. [Exit.
VICTOR. I despise ye, haughty Blanche! (Aside) I will away, and
see the effect of the moonlight on the Tower of Elfen. [Exit.
ACT IV.-Ruins of the Tower of Elfen. Right. Enter VICTOR.
VICTOR.-These, then, are the ruins of Elfen! [Climbs up them.
BLANCTIE.-These, then, are Ellen's ruins. (SeCr VicroR) Ha!
ViCTon.-Miss Blanche, alono in this desorted tiwer, at midnight
And in a riding habit open down the front, with a red waistcoat.
BLANCHE.-I will away home. lia! the gate is locked! Monster,
this is your doing You have entrapped me, villain!
ViCTOR.-Blanche, you wrong me. We are the victims of accident.
See, there is a sheer fall of at least twelve thousand feet from this
tower. I will leap it and break my neck rather than you should be
BLANCHE.-'Tis nobly said! [le Ifrap from the Tower.
BLANCHE.- Smashed to atoms-to atoms-to atoms [Faints.
ACT V.-Apartment in the Chdteau Dumont.
MADAME DmMONT.-Where can Blanche and Mous. Victor be ?
BLANCHE.-I am here!
VICToR.-I am here. [Aside to audience] Saved by a miracle Not
so much as a scratch!
BLANCHE (aside).-What devotion! How I love him.
Enter MDLLE. DE BUSIONY.
MDLLE. DE BusioNY (aside to BLANCHn).--Here is a letter of his
which proves that he loves you for your wealth alone.
[A..B.-It is an ambiguously worded letter that refers to Vicron's sister.
BLANCGH.--Ha! Monster! How I hate him! I will marry Do
MADAME DUMONT.-And M. Victor shall draw up the setR-omcnts.
(To audience). It's not exactly a steward's province, but if you want
to get home to-night, you had better let the circumstance pass un-
AUDIENCE -We will! Only do get on.
MADAME DUMONT.-Here axre the most private papers of thn family,
read them. [GOives tin box to VICTOIR, and exit.
ViroR.-So I am to draw up the settlement! Vull! well (Opens
box). Ha! A paper! (Reads it). Then this chi'ica' is mine! All,
:all mine! And shall I claim it and so ruin Blanche P No I Perish
the thought! And the document! [Burns it.
Enter MDLLE. nDE BusioNY unobserved.
MDLLE. D3 BusiaNY.-Victor burning the family archives! 'Tis
ACT VI.-A salon in the ChAteau Dumont.
Evening Party in celebration of BLANCHE'S betrothal to DE VAUDRAY.
ALL>-We will read old Dumont's will!
Enter a Notary.
NOTARY.-There is an important codicil missing !
MDLLE. Di BusIGNY.-That paper Mons. Victor burned!
VICTOR.-'Tis true. But Ihad my reasons.
NOTARY.-But here is another copy of it. It testifies that all this
property belongs to Victor, Marquis de Tourvillo!
BLANCHE.-Then I will marry him! [Throws hrseClf into his arms.
Curtains drawn aside. Cremorne discovered with ton thousand addi-
tional lamps. General joy.
OURSELVEs.-Very long and discursive, dialogue fairly good but
too conventional. Ma. SOTHmRN good, but not astonishingly so. Miss
RoBERTiON and Miss IONE BU cKE play particularly well. Scenery
THE Guildford Board of Guardians is determined not to be behind
its neighbours in notoriety. The Poor Law Board having been
informed of certain illegalities at Guildford, wrote to direct the guardians
to comply with the law ordering the relief of all destitulo persons.
Thereupon was a debate, at which two guardians so distinguisiid ihem-
selves that we feel they deserve the immortality which is included in
mention in these columns. Said Ma. HOOKER-a very judicious
HOOKER, too-" If a man looked as if he could stand a night's frost and
cold, it did him good to refuse him shelter." And then MAJOR ONI-LOW
-arguing from a defective Major- logically declared that the plan
of refusing relief was an admirable one." Of course it may bi an
admirable plan, but it can hardly be said to be the right plan for a
place intended for the relief of the poor.
[APRrL 4, 1868.
' Judge Payne's
Judge is in the habit
of improvising little
pieces" at the tea-
meetings over which
he presides so much
better than he does
over a court of justice.
The other day he ap-
parently mistook the
place in which he was
with a surprising
tailpiece. An unfor-
tunate little Street-
Arab girl was brought
up for stealing a few
oranges, value 6d. in
Covent Garden. The
against her was the
porter, whom MR.
PAYNE warmly rated
The poor child was
found guilty, but the
her strongly to mercy.
"Mercy!" said JUDGE
PAYNE, to be sure
she shall have it. I'll
gladly adopt the re-
And then he gave her
six weeks of hard
THERE is, we believe
-and hope-no truth
in the rumour that an
offshoot of the De-
partment of Science
and Art at South
Kensington is to be
established at the
Cole-osseum in Re-
AT the last meeting
of the Royal Horti-
cultural Society, we
are erroneously in-
formed that Ma. H.
COLE C.B., read a
on the possibility of
producing a superior
species of scarlet
runner by a judicious
cross between the hop
and the caper.
THANK YE FOR NOTHING I
Ninirod, astray:-" I sAY, MY GOOD FELLOW, IV'E MISSED MY -WAY; CAN YOU TELL ME
WHIIERE I AM?"
Agriculturist :-" 'EEs, I KIN! "
Nimrod :-" THANK YOU; WHEEE AM I ?"
Agriculturist :-" WHOY, THERE YOU BEI"
IT is stated that the
lace trade of Notting-
ham-or as it should
be spelt, Knotting-
'em, in consideration
of the manufacture-
is in a condition of
It has for a long time
had to endure the
say the lace cuffs-of
fortune, but now the
general song is
at NewYork has been
totally destroyed by
fire, in spite of tre-
mendous efforts made
to preserve it. This
was no more than
might be expected.
To he the Prince of
Humbugs a man must
never allow himself
to be "put out."
"ST. PAUL, MINNE-
SOTA," says an Ameri-
rat-skins to Europe in
one lot last month."
There is reason to
believe that a large
proportion were sent
to England, under the
belief that many
M.P.'s had turned
their coats so often of
late, that they must
be in want of some
WE see advertised
work on Fret-cutting,
which we can recom-
mend, though we
have not seen it, for
we gladly encourage
any work that pre-
LEY-ISM, in the shape
of the avoidance of
ONE FOR THE GEN-
TLEMAN IN BLUE.-
(No reference intended
to the 0. or C. U.B. C.)
-An efficient police-
man should be like a
at his fences.
A Musical Note. A Word dropt out.
WE are glad to observe that certain distinguished personages are, A PARAGRAPH is going the rounds, stating that a specimen of the
like the rest of the British nation, being educated to appreciate good wolf-fish, a strong and voracious creature, has been caught off the
music. The Orchestra states that on the occasion of a recent banquet Isle of Wight." A friend of oars who has just returned from thd
the DUKE OF SUTHERLAND engaged the singers at EVANS'S to give island says that he heard nothing of the capture, and is inclined
a selection of glees, &c. This is a decided improvement on the style from his own experience to believe that what was caught was a
of musical entertainment his Grace has been giving lately-a decided strong and voracious specimen of a wolfish appetite," which he says,
improvement if not an add- Vance. is not at all uncommon about Ventgnaw.
F U N.--APRIL 4, 1868.
THE NEW "GREAT DELIVERER."
Done in Brass.
DEDICATED RESPECTFULLY TO THE ORANGEMEN OF IRELAND, THIS 1sT OF APRIL.
APRIL 4, 1868.j FUN. 43
But 'ere he went aboard his boat,
He placed around her little throat
A ribbon, blue and yellow,
On which he hung a double tooth-
A simple token this. in'sooth-
Twas all he had, poor fellow !
"I often wonder," he would say,
When very very far away,
If ANGELINA wears it!
A plan has entered in my head,
I will pretend that I am dead
And see how ANoG bears it! "
The news he made a messmate tell:
His ANGELINA bore it well,
No sign gave she of crazing;
The bridegroom, p'raps, was terrified,
And also possibly the bride-
The bridesmaids were affrighted:
But ANGELINA, noble soul,
Contrived her feelings to control,
And really seemed delighted.
My bride said PARKLEIrUY TODD,
"She's mine, uninteresting clod,
My own, my darling charmer "
"Oh, dear," said she, you're just two late,
I'm married to, I beg to state,
This comfortable farmer !"
"Indeed," said TYLEa, AGY's mine,
You've been and cut it far to) fine! "
I see," said TODI, "I'm beaten."
And so he went to sea once more,
Sensation he for aye forswore,
And married on her native shore
A lady whom he'd met before-
A lovely Otaheitan.
Gentlemen of the Guard, Fire First!
THE R has been a dispute as to precedence between the Royal
Artillery and the Life Guards. The dispute was referred to the
Commander-in-Chief, who at once declared that the Royal Artillery
were the great guns of the service.
BLocK TIN.-Ingots of Gold.
THE SENSATION CAPTAIN.
( 0 nobler captain ever
P% Than CAPTAIN PAR-
so brave, he!
But still, as all his
He had one folly-
Sf "This Captain
I do not think I ever knew.
A man so wholly given to
Creating a sensation:
Or p'r'aps I should in justice say-
To what in an Adelphi play
Is known as "Situation."
He passed his time designing traps
To flurry unsuspicious chaps-
The taste was his innately-
He couldn't walk into a room
Without ejaculating Boom! '
Which startled ladies greatly.
He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak,
Not, you will understand, in joke
As some assume disguises.
He did it, actuated by
A-simple love of mystery
And fondness for surprises.
I need not say he loved a maid-
His eloquence threw into shade
All others who adored her:
The maid, though pleased at first, I know,
Found, after several years or so,
Her startling lover bored her.
So, when his orders came to sail
She did not faint or scream or wail,
Or with her tears anoint him.
She shook his hand, and said "goodbye,"
With laughter dancing in her eye,
Which seemed to disappoint him.
But, steady as the Inchcapo rock
His ANOELINA stood the shock
With fortitude amazing.
She said, Someone I must elect
Poor ANGELINA to protect
From all who wish to harm her.
Since worthy CArrTAIN ToDD is dead
I rather feel inclined to wed
A comfortable farmer."
A comfortable farmer came
(BAssAIxo TYLER was his name)
Who had no end of treasure:
He said, My noble gal, be mine !"
The noble gal did not decline,
But simply said, With pleasure."
When this was told to CAPTAIN TODD
At first he thought it rather odd,
And felt some perturbation,
But very long he did not grieve,
He thought he could a way perceive
To suhk a situation!
" They shall not hear of me," said he,
*' Till they are both in the Eoele-
Then suddenly I will appear-
And paralyzing them with fear,
Demand my ANGL'TA !"
At length arrived the wedding day-
Accoutred in the usual way,
Appeared the bridal body-
The worthy clergyman began,
When in the gallant Captain ran
And cried, Behold your TODDY !"
[APRIL 4, 1868.
A SLIGHT MISTAKE.
(with recollections of Clerkenwell) :-" HERE HI OH !
[But it was only a barrel of cement.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-TNo. 56.
UPONa this plateau,
We were told, days ago,
That a wild king would meet us, who now is our foe :
If our army gets there,
He will find, I can swear,
The scrimmage a terribly serious affair.
1.-When its mimic ,.avelets round me flow
Pleasant in the morn it is, I know.
2.-Men call him by various names,
He fans those heart-torturing flames;
He looks with delight on a kiss,
All countries agree he is this.
3.-Blithely went the seaman sailing.
Round him where the whirlpool swells;
Sang she, while his unavailing
Cries rang out, the legend tells.
4.-Few better berths than his you name
In all the ancient church:
Until the Reformation came
And left him in the lurch.
5.-Take the name of an opera singer well-known-
Halve the words; take the first, 'tis an answer you'll own.
6.-In childhood's too-much lauded days,
These of the fairies we would praise;
But now by travellers thsy are told
To gull the public out of gold.
7.-In sorrow you would use this word,
In anger it is oft-times heard,
In verse to keep the rhythmic swing
It's often a convenient thing.
SOLUrTION TO ACROSTIC No. 54.-Debales, Ireland:
Disraeli, Error, Bee, Angel, Tara, Erin, Sad.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACosrTIC No. 54, RECEIVED MARCi 2.5 -
Opal and B.; The Ashton Bedlamites; Tiny Ditton; Irresistible;
Bo-calay; East Essex; Grey W.; G. U. Y.; Two Kangaroos;
Knights Templar; M iusolus; Lelia L.; Royal Robber; Ruby;
Sine Macula; Shorneliffe; Two Young Australian Friends ; Lulu;
Pit Pat W.; Two Charitable Grinders; S. S. House; Bravo N
Shallabal ah; S. Bros. ; Georgina; Charlie Bo'.; Darkey; Auld
Dog o' B.; Romanelli; C. P.; Amicus; A. S. T.; Bunnie P.;
Bennett; Varney the V.; C. K. S.; Towhit; Lisa and B.; S. P.;
Tifey; C. P. L.; Knurr and Spell; Polar.
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
T is not every man, who is anxious, like Dog-
S I, berry, that we should write him down an ass,
and I should have thought no man could be
met with who would write himself down a
5 thief. However, a journal in New York has
been started which, with true Yankee in-
,, genuousness, calls itself The Magpie, and sets
forth its thievish proclivities in the following
"Look out for The Magpie! A fortnightly journal, compiled from the comic,
humourous, and satirical periodicals of Europe, with illustrations copied by photo-
The price is five cents-pecunia olet!-and the publisher of this
piratical periodical is a MR. FOSTER. Has New York no comic talent
of its own that it '3 compelled to steal ? Cannot the country that has
given birth to ALTEmus WARD, MARK TwAIN, ORPHEus C. KERR,
and JosH. BILLINGO, contrive to.support a comic paper of home-grown
humour? I cannot help thinking that the absence of an International
I aw of Copyright has produced a disastrous effect on the moral tone
of the American mind, or surely some of the leading men would be
able to influence public opinion sufficiently to discourage these petty
thefts. When Transatlantic magazines "lift" the poems of TENNYSON
from Good Words, AMacmillan's, etc., and announce them as "a series
by the Poet Laureate for this magazine "-when Transatlantic managers
send shorthand writers from Florence-I mean New York-to London
to filch the dramas of English playrights, and a Transatlantic comic
paper is started, avowedly to live "by its wits" in the felonious sense,
i.e., by stealing the wit of others, one cannot help wondering what the
state of public opinion and public morality can be in New York.
THE man who publishes a book knowingly submits to criticism, and
I do not see any reason why he who ptblishes-or authorises the
publication of-his photographic portrait, should be held exempt from
wholesome comment. If the reviewer may condemn 'it. DixoN's
Spiritual Wives, I cannot see anything to prevent his censuring Mu.
ALOERNON C. SWINBURNE'S latest carte. That gentleman has bnii
often at great pains to make us forget that he has poetic power, but he
has always hitherto been original even in his weakness. But now he
descends to a feeble imitation of DUMAS, and the Photographic shop-
windows teem with cartes in which the author of Atalanta ogles the
actress of Mazeppa!
HAVING vi-ited Crosby Hall by day when it was unfinished, I had
an opportunity of seeing it again in its completed state the other
evening. By gaslight the colouring looks very bright, but time and
London atmosphere will soon tone it down. The luncheon-bar is quite
a gallery of historical pictures, and the whole place, with its neat
waitresses, and capital appointments, is suggestive of cosy dinners.
There was a large gathering at the opening, which took the form of a
dinner to the workmen employed on the restoration and decoration.
I HAVE received one or two letters from fair correspondents, asking
me to do battle for the sex against a writer who has certainly libelled
it in the Saturday Review. But, my dear ladies, I don't like to hit a
woman, and I am of opinion that your assailant (judging from internal
evidence, and especially from the very feminine logic of the articles)
is one of yourselves. No one will deny that there do exist a few
instances of such painted, powdered, fast young ladies as the article
describes; but no one but a woman would have assumed the general from
the particular, and described as "the girl of the period" what is
merely "a girl of the period."
THIS month's number of Tinsley's is another proof of the rapid strides
the magazine is making. It is strong in illustration and letter-press.
"In the Spring" is a very charming drawing, MR. COOPER's
illustration to The Rock Ahead is very broad and telling, and the
" Hopeless" picture is pleasing, though the lady's ankle is hopelessly"
attenuated. The lines to this last cut are telling and artistic. What
APrRm 4, 1868.]
is the Laureate About?" is a critique on MR. TENNYSON'S recent
vagaries which, I hope, may prove wholesome, and there are other
papers equally interesting and able, while the novels push along with
undiminished vigour. I suppose it would be too exacting to expect a
busy man like Our Special Correspondent" to read WORDSWORTH
carefully; but one would have thought the author of "Dr. Brady"
must know that it was not a violet but "a primrose by the river brim "
that was, etc.! In St. Paul's we have a clever drawing by Mn. G. H.
THoMAs, engraved with fraternal care, and a picture by MR. MILLAIS
in his second style. Among the literary contributions I must give
the palm to the notice of Spiritual WVives-the model of what reviewing
should be-severe without scolding, and searching yet not hypercritical.
A paper on the "Private Soldier as He Is should do good-it points
out some glaring evils that call loudly for remedy. The Ballad of
Squire Curtis" has the true ballad ring and simplicity. The new
issue of .Debrett's Peerage, Baronetage, and Knightage, the most com-
pendious and useful book of its class, reached me some time ago, and I
ought to have noted its publication before this date, when Ministers,
oblivious of the cares of editors, have by new creations rendered an
appendix already necessary.
WITH some people it seems the Laureate, like the King, can do" no
wrong. In a Manchester paper Ms. W. C. BENNETT takes up his
cudgel on behalf of Mn. TENNYsoN. MR. BENNETT will no doubt be
flattered to learn that anyone considers his doggerel defence as good
as the Laureate's "1865-6" doggerel, although a splutter about
"dolts," "small owls," etc., cannot be a high poetic flight in his
imagination even. But the poverty of Mn. BENNeTT's verse is no
excuse for MA. TENNYsoN-there are some infantile follies that Baby
may, but the Laureate may not commit.
A POEM CONTINUED.
RTFUL nurse of ninety years!
Rose ? ah that's the
\ "Missus, you must
dry your tears!"
These were all the
words she spoke.
But she thought a good
FoTo her lips a bottle
Crying is a dreadful
Would that she had
died, not wept.
Then she pack'd the
Off disconsolate to
When she slept, with
Cut the tresses from
her head !
Saying fercely, "Hang the child!"
Down she sat upon a stool;
RosE the nurse was getting wild,
For her missus was a fool.
Then she called him Tootsicum !"
Rubb'd his gums with soothing cake ;
Sigh'd. "Ah my geranium!"
Thought "That demon is awake !"
"Not for JoE!" "Kafoozalum!"
Gently in succession broke
From her lips; "Jeroosalum"
Led of course to artichoke!
'Tis not generally known
By unscientific folk, -
Where the lordly sunflow'rs grow,
There appears the artichoke.
RosE the nurse was up to all,
This botanic mystery;
She invoked the sunflow'r tall,
And the dim result you see!
A 1AVouRiT MA:mae Herr.-JOAcMax at the Monday Pop.
The Right Man.
A WEEK or so ago a man was run over and killed by a Hansom cab
in Chiswell-street. An inquest was held on the body, and one of the
witnesses stated that the deceased was taken into a chemist's shop
after the accident, and that the proprietor objected to his having
been taken there, because in the dirty state in which his clothes were
from having been run over, he had dirtied the chairs in the shop."
We believe that Poor Law Guardians have some difficulty in
finding the kind of medical attendants they prefer for Unions-men
who won't waste either drugs or sympathy on the sick. We should
recommend the next Board that has to look,for a medical man to try
ANOTHER WAY OF LOVE.
BELIEVE me if that golden watch and those charms
Which I gave thee so fondly to-day,
Were to melt by to-morrow neathh Lombardy's Arms
Thy milliner's bill, dear, I'll pay.
Thou would'st still be adored as thia.moment thou art,
Let thy L S D fade as it will-
And to save thee from rain (for. someone must smart)
I'd jump up on the. back of thy bill;
It is not 'cause beauty and cash are thine own,
That thy cheek should be mixed:with a sneer- -
For the fervour and truth,of ahearti can he shown
When we're ugly andihard-up,,my dear.
Oh, the man who's hadfcredit can never, forget,
But will truly cling-on to good clothes.
And the lover forsakes not:his Whiteaross-street.pet,
Butwill pay, if he can, what- she owes.
A, Fresh-water Rate.
"THE first church-rate.contest," says a local journal, "took place
last week at Freshwater." We hope it was nothing more than a
tempest in a puddle.
unsby i (to__prtis ito.
[ We aen take no notice of communications with illegible signatures or
monograms. Correspondents will do well to send their real names and
addresses as guarantees. We cannot undertake to return unacceepted MSS.
or Sketches, unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed
envelope; but we cannot enter into correspondence regarding them, nor do
we hold ourselves responsible for loss.]
QuIz.-You must have had the name suggested by a young lady at an
evening party, you are so dull.
B. N. (Poplar) does not send what we should consider Pop'Iar literature.
SCaATrcH-doesn't come up to it.
WIGG.-Don't make such wiggedly bad puns.
A BoY (Chester).-Thejoke isn't good enough this time.
SINBAD.-We say comparatively a bad- sinner.
A HITCHIN CORRESPONDeNT is perforce declined, his writing is so
scratchy we cannot read it.
H. (Chelsea.)-If PRnolsson PARTRIDGE perpetrated that joke about
the funnybone and the humerus the other day, we can only say the bird is
not his-it was knocked over ages ago by some other "covey" than
W. A. L.-We must decline your W. A. L.-uable services.
W. 8. (Essex).-Don't try again "-you are too trying.
J. W. C. (Glasgow).-We do not consider the disappearance of Mu.
SPaxs a subject for jesting.
C.-Clearly a relation of the vacant see, and not of the deep sea.
A NovicE.-Punning is no-vice of yours, clearly.
X. Y. Z. (Sudbury).-As we don't insert the "incident that occurred
within your knoledge," we can't send you the price of a now dress, but shall
be happy to give you a spelling-book.
W. D. (Cavendfsh-square).-You have net chosen to comply with our
rule, and we cannot therefore return your sketch.
SXYiaLu will exhaust our milk of human kindness if he goes on much
X. Y. (Leatherhead.)-There may be "nothing like leather" for some
purposes, but we should think from this specimen it is not the right material
for a head.
A CORRESPONDENT who writes so badly that we are not sure whether he
calls himself a cariouss" or a "curious tooth," makes jokes on dentistry,
but fails to extract any fun.
Declined with thanks:-C. S., Cumberland-street; A. W., Liverpool;
Dicky Sam; G. M. P., Aldermanbury; F. H., Bartholomew-closo; C. T.,
Liverpool; Wriggles; F., Torquay; W. R. H., Uppingham; W. J. I.,
Oswestry; A. M., Belsize Park; C. J. 0., Cannon-street; Cantab; J. L. B.,
Perth; G. B.; T. M. B., Salt-hill; Jerusalem ; F. R. F.; F. R., Bays-
water; W. H. L., St. John's-wood; G. D.; Aspirant; R. E., lHawick;
R. S., Coburg Cottage; J. 8., Jun., Liverpool; Animalcula; Star and
Stripes; Castor Oil; B., Exeter.
THE PUMPS AND VANITIES.
Katey :-" Or, Miss NIPPER, I'm SO GLAD TO-MORROW'S SUNDAY!."
Governess :-" WHY, MY DEAR N BECAUSE YOU GO TO CHURCH WITH PAPA ?"
Katey :-" No, Miss NIPPER,-BUT MONDAY IS OUR DANCING DAY,
YOU KNOW "
AT the Royalty Theatre a new burlesque by Ma. W. S. GILBERT
has been brought out and received with enthusiasm. The Merry Zingara
would be all the better without its second title of the Tipsy Gipsy and
the Pipsy Wipsy, which is rather too far-fetched for even this
extravagant school of literature. However, not to be hypereritical,
we must at once declare that we consider this burlesque one of the
most brilliant of the day. Its author has grasped the absurdities of
The Bohemian Girl thoroughly and exposed them in the most unmerci-
fully humorous way. Taken from a literary point of view, MR.
GIvLaERT's dialogue deserves the highest praise. If there be a fault
in it, that fault is a certain staginess-a certain confidence in the
audience's appreciation of technical histrionics. The forced hilarity
of supernumeraries who turn the winecup topsy-turvy before drinking
-the spic-and-span condition of costumes after a lapse of twenty
years-the superhuman benevolence(of a heavy father-the ceaseless
gushing of a long-lost daughter-all these necessities of the lyric
drama have been remorselessly caricatured by Ma. GILBERT. His
burlesque is admirably played, as far as regards its leading characters,
by MESSRS. DEWA and DANCERS, Miss M. OLIVER and Miss CHARLOTTE
SAUNDxiS. The other parts are very well played, and the scenery of
the burlesque is most effective.
The revival of Jeanie beans at the Princess's gives its author, Ma.
BoucICAULT, an opportunity of showing that an actor can act without
[APRIL 4, 1868.
FAREWELL to lordly leisure,
To life and liberty ;
To mirth which knows no measure,
To days which know no sigh.
To nights of endless laughter,
To liquor's ceaseless flow.
To songs and toasts-but after!
Who cares! Well, let it go!
Farewell to coats unwrinkled,
To tightly-fitting gloves,
To kerchiefs, scent-besprinkled,
To laughs with little loves.
To valses-wherefore mazy ?
To hopes which grow and grow;
My Pegasus be aisy!
It's over now, you know !
Farewell to marked attention "
At picnics neathh the trees,
Which end (one need not mention)
With showers, or a' breeze.
Farewell to moonlit rambles,
To eyes the stars endow;
To scrambles 'midst the brambles,
Hold hard! It's over now.
Farewell to misconstructions,
To falls between two stools.
To rows-in Irish ructions"
With empty-headed fools.
Let Coelebs sail for ages
With folly at the prow;
I've struck for higher wages,
Hurrah! It's over now!
Crossed in Ambition.
IT is rumoured that LORD CHELMSPORD declined a
proffer of the Bath, because it looked as if the party
wanted to wash their bands of him-besides ever since
the appointment of LORD CAIRNS he was made, ipso
factor, the Grand Cross.
CO-HOP-ERATION.-A ballet dance.
looking at his audience. The Counsel for the Defence hardly faces
the house at all, yet every word of his part excites interest. MR.
MACLEAN plays old Deans with great pathos, and MR. LEESON is an
admirable Dumbiedikes. Of MS BOUCICAULT it is needless to speak;
her performance of Jeanie is perfection. MIss EMMA BARNETT is a
characteristic and picturesque Madge Wildfire. The scenery of this
piece is hardly up to MR. LLO I'S usual mark; the music is very
MONsIEUR RieNAx is about to publish a book entitled Questions
Contemporaines. We hope we have the good fortune to lay
before our readers a few extracts from the expected work. Here they
"How are you ?"
How d'ye do ?"
"What's the news ?"
"How are you all at home ?"
Can you oblige me with the loan of half a sovereign ? "
"Don't you wish you may got it ?"
WHAT TO STUDY WHEN WRITING A SEA Soxa.-The Mariners'
THE PRIME MINISTER.-One who eschews long sermons.
OSWEGO PREPARED OORN,
For Puddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
No similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St.-Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London: Apsil 1, 1888.
Mn. EDITOR,-Sir, it is impossible. Your messenger found me with
my feet in hot water and a foaming goblet of gruel before me. One
swallow does not make a summer," says the adage. I can add that a
Spring makes one swallow with difficulty. Sir, I am suffering from
sore throat, influenza, neuralgia, lumbago, and a few other maladies
which are the usual complements of the season. Added to which I
have recently had a tooth out, and have been searching the advertising
columns of the daily newspapers for a house warranted neither damp
nor draughty, and where you can't hear the piano next door. No,
Sir, there is nothing new to be said about Spring; or if there is, it will
be found in the weather-gauges of the past week. Even the poets,
Sir, differ like the rest of us, as far as my memory serves me, and I
cannot refrain from jotting down a few remarks from memory, all of
which will be found on reference to the works of those gentlemen. In
Tamed by the cruel season crowd around,
The season's overcoat, but costs a pound.
Think not when worn, the homely robe appears,
Thy fortune shall be measured by thy fears.
Say, now, would'st see a man with well-warmed blood
Sustained by infant's farinaceous food ?
Under the hawthorn and the poplar tree
Drink pure pale brandy known as Eau de vie.
The clouds for joy in pearls weep down their showers,'
London to Paris in eleven hours.
Can he be fair that withers at a blast ?
No, I have s(t my life upon a cast !
Till chill and damp the moonless night descend,
Yes, soothing syrup is the mother's friend.
I love it, for it takes its untouched stand,
With every cork bearing a special brand.
order to give my quotations a practical annotation, I have, perhaps,
interspersed the results of my varied researches in the advertising
columns of the daily press. That, Sir, is the best I can do for you; and
if my experience should enable one of your readers to avoid the mani-
fold ills which accompany Spring's delights, I shall not have suffered
or have written in vain. Youa DISTRACTED CONTRIBUTOR.
SPrING'S DELIGHTS PLAGIARISED.
AcHILLas wrath, to Greece the direful Spring,
No sign of life save his limbs quivering.
Hail smiling morn that tips the hills with gold!
The air bites shrewdly, it is very cold,
It is a nipping and an eager air.
The twelve ounce waterproof's the only wear.
The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The innocent are gay-the lark is gay;
The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea,
Drink nothing but the pure uncoloured tea.
The world forgetting, by the world forgot,
Hereditary bondsmen know ye not
The expansive atmosphere is cramped with cold ?
Converse with nature's charms, her stores unrolled!
VOL. VII. v
Among the perfumes whiah the rich and great-
Co-operative mutton-legs at eight,
Shoulders at seven. Children of remorse.
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse I
Line Upon Line.
THOBE who put their names to bills merely as a matter of form"
to oblige a friend, generally have to repent their folly-(we know a
man who won't even endorse a friend's opinion)-still there is one
good point in their proceedings-they "write only on one side the
Do You Give it Up P
TH1 Solicitora' Journal alleges that there is no doubt that MR.
BENJAMIN DIBaAEU was articled to MBssRS. SWAI STEVENS, MAPLES,
PEAR s, and Huwi, of Frederick's-place, Old Jewry, but that he threw
up his articles before their expiration. The great Caucasian exactly as
he gave up the law of Old Jewry, it would seem, threw over the old
Conservative policy-just before it expired.
SUITrABIL SITE FOR A WEATHERCOCK.-Vere Street.
10RIL 11, 1868.]
48 F U N [APRIL 11, 1868.
THE COLLEGE FOR LADIES. members. The short walking-dress of the present day, with the long
and be-tasselled boot it displays, will, no doubt, be laid under the
OUR readers are probably aware We must confess that the next
That a College for Ladies -on regulation appears to us calculated to
the true Oxford and Cambridge be the cause of considerable agitation
somewhere in the country, and -nom t i saya displayho eme in
somewhere the country and the undergrad world. It goes so far
Rooms for the under- as to assert that "M moreover there
graduatesses-is about to be must be moderation ithe style of
m established. MRS. BODrCHON has wearing the hair,"* a most unheard
Smficently headed the b- of interference with the liberty of the liberty of the
scription list with a thousand female subject! Young ladies are not
pounds, and Deans and Bishops, to cultivate cincinni, which may be translated to mean either frisettes
Ladies, i. P.'s, and M.D.'s have or those short frizzy curls so dear to some; nor are they to wear their
lent their countenance and given i hair long, a restriction which would of course apply both to the
their Moey, so we may consider altitude of the chignon, and the longitude of the curl or tail which
the ister University i the is just now its fashionable accompaniment.t
light of unfait accompli. It may possibly interest our lady readers to learn the punishment
It has been announced autbo- which awaits the transgression of these rules :-The culprit pcena 6s.
ritatively that the new college will be conducted strictly on collegiate et 8d. plectatur toties quoties-will be fined six and eightpence for
principles, so we may easily see what the scheme will be. The young each offence.
ladies will have "sets of rooms" in which they will hang out," The next section of this chapter treats of those who introduce new
attended by a she-gyp, or scoutess; there- will be "teas," if not and unusual fashions in dress (in vestitu novos et insolitos habitu, and
"wines," and "chapel," and a "gate-bill," not to mention caps and orders the Vice Chancelloress, and the Heads of Colleges to deliberate
gowns," which, after all, sound like articles of female rather than male on such innovations in convocation and publish their opinions con-
apparel. There will be Proctrices, of course, and Degees, probably corning them. The Vice Chancelloress, moreover, is empowered to
beginning with Spinsters of Arts, and Mistresses of Arts, and cul- forbid milliners and dressmakers (scissoribus sire sartoribus) to make-up
minting in Hen-Doctors of Divinity. The Professorship of Poetry dresses of this character ; and the statute further enacts that if the
was to have been offered to the author of The riness, but since the obstinacy of the disorder defies other remedies, however severe, the
appearance of his recent magazine verses, it has been determined that patient is, after three warnings, to be rusticated," or in r words,
Mit. TuPPERt has equal claims to the chair of poetry. In fact, with sent to some obscure village where there is no dressmaker and the
one exception, everything has been done that was necessary for the fashion books are not taken in.
realization of the plan. We must now glance at Titulus XV., De Moribus Conformandis.
The exception to which we allude, is the preparation of the Statute "Concerning the Frmation of Good manner and Ladylike Behaviour."
Book of the New College. The little volume, appropriately bound in T he i se otioni
calf, presented to the freshman by the Vice Chancellor, has probably respect in the juniorsen
been overlooked in the pressure of matters apparently more im lartant. ol Iar o rsp t in the niorsi
We, therefore, have much pleasure in giving, as oar contribution to towards the ouen ladiors, andes
the young institution, a version of the ParesbolA sive Rxcerpt.a e Corpore forbids f the young ladies
Statutorim Universitatis, carefully revised, and adapted to the require- es as old cats' or dis-
ments of a feminine college, by a scholar and a gentleman. ce as o d a s '
This important work is still in the press, in the press, but in the meantime we w 0H A agreeable old things.'
gladly lay before cur readers a few extracts from those portions of the under ads to stoel
Statute Book, which will have the greatest interest for intending under- about the town or its
graduatesses. We need scarcely say these extracts are chiefly made su burbs, and especially
from Tituhs XIVY., De Ves!itu el .Raitu SS/lastico, "Touching the deprecates any loitering
Collegiate Dress and Deportment." dpeas inth a pblictrerng
In the first place, then, t he female world may be rather alarmed to the ma rket place."et or
learn that it is decreed, that all undergratuatesses (unless they be This rule we consider a very proper and necessary one, but we fear
daughters of peeresses in their own right) must wear black or suffuse, that it will be found difficult to enforce it, unless bonnet-shops, linen-
i.e., dusky or brownish, dresses; and must not imitate those ladies drapers, and jewellers are forbidden to display their goods in the
who make a display (quae prc se ferunt) of what is "fast" and extra- windows. A later section prohibits the young ladies' attendance at the
vacant.* This rule possibly may seem extremely severe to the fair Law Courts, Sessions, and Assizes held in the University town. This
undergrad., since, as exemplified in our initial, its strict interpretation rule will be seldom transgressed if all cases of Breach of Promise are
would bring the fashionable stripeddress of the period within the con- transferred to some other district, and if only ugly and elderly
demnation of the Proctrix. We feel assured, however, that the barristers are allowed to go on circuit within the University boundaries.
authorities of the new collegenew college will, like those of Oxford and Cambridge, The next section as it stands in the Oxford Statute-Book forbids
wink at any non-observance of this rule that is not glaring and undergraduates to frequent taverns,
peculiar. wineshops, or other places where I a o
The next regulation s wine, or any other liquor, or the tof t
may, perhaps, bring the r n herb nicotikna is sold.[ In the
younger members of the Ladies' College, the prohibition
colleges into collision with would apply to the shop of the -
the authorities, that is to confectioner, whom Mr. GLAD-
say the elder members. SSam ine P t TONE has permitted to retail wine, use sab-
It distinctly and strongly but whom, even before that per-
declares that under- mission, the statute would have
graduateoses shall be reached under the clause or any
compelled to abstain from other liquor," by which tea, coffee, _'
"that absurd and and cherry brandy might be under-
haughty practice of walk- stood. It may be hard to deny the
ing about in public in s l undergraduates her ice, or her a
boots."t It is to be ex-te__ o__-_______ oi_ eeirainn___:_
pected that the elder -. II EtiaminCapillitiomodus esto; nee cincinnos, autcomamnimispromissam alant.
nladies, who, as JosEPH + It is with deep regret that we find, when it is too late to remedy it, that our
MiIRn once remarked, run more to understanding than ankle, will artist in a thoughtless moment has suggested in his illustration of this rule a use
endeavour to enforce the wearing of shoes and sandals, as being calcu- for the undergraduate chignon, which we fear may give much trouble to the
eneouoenorethem o ein g a or e s eual fo ing w younr authorities ED.]
lated to place them on a more equal footing with the younger t We have no aoubt Le Follet will generously place its eolunms at the disposal of
the authorities for this purpose. ED.
SQnodquc alii omanes (exceptis fliis Baronum in superiors Parliamenti Domo I Statutum eat quod scholares per civitatem ejusve suburbia otiosi non obambu-
suffrgii jus habentium) vcstibus coloris nigri vel subfusci se assuefaciant; nee lent; neque in plates ant public toro states aut eommorantes oonspiciantur.
qum fasturn aut luxum prm se ferunt, imitentur. Parec: Stat: Univ: Parec: Stat: Univ:
+ Ab absurdo illo et fastuoso public in ooreis ambulandi more abstinere compel- ii Quod scholars fenopoliis ae domibus in quibus vinum aut quivis alius potus,
lantar. Parsc: Stat: Univ: aut herbal Nicotiana sive Tobacco ordinarie venditur abstineant. Parce: Stat: Unis :
bun and lemonade, but when we remember that unscrupulous flirts
might, under the shade of a strawberry cream, amuse themselves by
trifling with the affections of the poor young men behind the counter,
and filling their minds with all sorts of silly notions much above their
station, we cannot withhold oar approval from the statute as it stands.
We are not so certain that we can give in our adhesion to other sec-
tions of this chapter. Taking into consideration the newest designs
for earrings, we think the
rule that the young ladies
must abstain from any
"equipment or wearing of
fire-arms" (ab emni appa-
ratu et gestation Bombar-
darum et Arcubalistarum)
is somewhat arbitrary.
We are also of opinion
that the regulation which
forbids the undergradu-
atess to keep a dog of
any sort whatsoever,* in-
eluding, of course, the
Italian greyhound, under any pretext (or, as some commentators
suggest, "under any clothing or covering ") is tyrannical and absurd
to the. highest degree. However, we suppose the girls must rest
contented with the fact that the statute does not extend to cats and
canaries. They will also find some consolation under section 10 of the
16th chapter De Armis non gestandis, "with regard to the non-
carriage of dangerous weapons." In this, although the young under-
graduatess is forbidden to bear arms or missiles, either offensive or
defensive, no distinct mention is made of the mallet and ball of
croquet (weapons with which great execution has been done); and
there is, therefore, fair ground for hoping they will not be prohibited.
Furthermore, the section contains one special permission which will
go far to make up for the restrictions imposed itt other respects:-
Every young lady may go about with her beau !t
Our space will not admit of further extracts, but we trust the little
we have been able to do will be of service to the cause; and all we
ask in return for our efforts is that the undergraduatesses should
drink our health with musical honours,
It's a way we have in the 'Varsity," etc.
at the first wine "-we beg pardon, "tea given in college.
THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD.
A MonDEw EcLoova.
.Persns : ScownIi, of the Saturday review," and BEAMBR of the
SeowxMsa.-My pipe I have set to a song; so prepare
For very nice words to a very nice air.
The Girl of the Period's false.f, she's fair;
She ruddles her cheeks with tlie:foot of a hare,
She stipples her eyelashes--
BEAxME.-Well, I declare !
You are a censorious, ill-natured bear!
ScowLsR.-True maidenly manners are now very rare.
BEAMER.-I'm losing my patience-you'd better beware !
SCBwLER.-A compound of vanity, slang, and dyed hair,
The Girl of the Period barters her share
Of personal charms for a house in a square,
Rich dresses and jewels, a thorough-bred mare,
Unlimited freedom to flaunt and to flare
At all times and seasons, at home and elsewhere.
BEAMzn.- Be quiet! How can you ? I wonder you dare.
ScowLza.-If any poor fool, being caught in her snare,
Sows amid his wild oats this detestable tare,
And marries the creature, in short-he will fare
Much worse than by deeds that to name we don't care.
BEAMER.-I can't keep my temper, or sit in my chair.
ScowLER.-The Girl of the Period lives but to wear
A dress that shall make people turn round and stare;
When full-dressed, indeed, she's a good deal left bare.
BEAMER.-You're a nasty, vile, scandalous, wicked thing-There!
BETTING forms such a prominent feature at the gatherings of
the members of the Gun Club that we are led to suppose "The Game
of Speculation must be-pigeons.
Nulli academioo liceat canem vel canes cujuscunque generis alere'vet habere
sub quoas pretext. Parse: Stat: Univ:
+ Statutum.est quod nullus Academieus intra Umversitatis ambitum sive offensive
sive defensive arina vel tela de die vel de noete gestet, exceptis qui honest recroa-
tionis causa arcus cam sagittis portaverint. Pare: Stat: Univ:
THE RATCATCHER'S REWARD.
MRa. SAMUEL HUMM was a ratcatcher bold,
Who was brought before ALDERMAN HALE ;
And the charge against HUMM, by the newspapers told,
Discloses the following tale:-
A City policeman, whose name it was MONK,
Three hundred and seventy eight,
Had watched at the top of a shaft that was sunk
In the pavement near SPOTTIrWOODE'S gate.
He had watched as a terrier watches the hale
Whence a rat is expected to come;
And had captured at last that eceentrio old soul,
The said MR. SAMUEL IHUMM.
MR. SAMU.n HuxM had been down, catching rats,
And had bagged about thirty, I grieve
To inform gentle readers who never keep cats
That pounce on their prey without leave.
Now the Sewers' Commissioners strictly preserve
The rats that inhabit the drains;
And perhaps it needs little of what is called nerve "
To say they are fools for their pains.
To the worthy defendant, the Alderman said,
So far from inflicting a fine,
I think a reward unto you should be paid
For work in so useful a line.
"I hereby create you a Knight of St. Paul,
And give the additional rank
Of Crier in this worshipful court of Gaildhall,
And Beadle-in-Chief of the Bank.
I likewise award you a gold civic crown,
Twelve pounds eighteen oinees in weight,
A diamond snuff-box, a far cap and gown,
And also a service of plate.
"Of course, you'll receive an address from the @ity,
In polychromatic round-text;
And if it's not framed I shall deem it a pity,
And feel disappointed and vexed.
"The freedom of London you'll have in a casket,
Which BENSON is ordered to make;
And if anything else strikes your faney, pray ask it,
And say what refreshment you'll take."
I grudge not the Alderman's tribute to HIluM,
I hope HUMM may flourish and thrive ;
But I think this one circumstance looks father rum,-
HUMM fetched out his rats all alive.
HuMM fetched out his rats without wringing their necks,
HUMM saved them for sport in a pit.
Just you ask JEMMY SIAW and the MARQUIS OF X.,
What rats for such purpose are fit.
They'll tell you the rats that are bred to be killed,
Are the sort that are cleanly and soft;
The sort that with barley or wheat have been filled,
In a granary, barn, stack, or loft.
'Gainst ratting with rats of th, sewer and diteh,
I'll write while I've pen in my fist,
For the sake of the dogs and the gentlemen, which
At that noble pastime assist.
And I am, Mr. Editor,
Your obedient humble servant to command,
An Uncalled for Regulation.
THE following curious announcement is made by the authorities at
the Post Office:-
"If the 20th fall on a Sunday, the Australian Mail, via Southampton, will be
despatched theprevious evening."
We can assure the Postmaster-General that there is not the slightest
probability of the 20th, or any other regiment in Her Majesty's service,
falling on a Sunday, or, indeed, on any other day of the week. Even
supposing such an improbable contingency to occur, we are quite at a
loss to know how it would be possible for the Post Office officials to
obtain a knowledge of the event the previous day, unless, indeed, Da.
CUMMING gives the department the benefit of his services.
THE DRUM MAJoR.-In an elephant's ear.
APRIL 11, 1868.]
[APRIL 11, 1868.
___ '\\jjj~I~jj r i
Jones :-" HULLO, SMITH! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR AN AGE-HOW ARE YE P "
Smith :-" DON'T STOP ME, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW-JUST BOUGHT A NEW BONNET AS A PRESENT FOR MY WIFE, AND I MUST HURRY
HOME WITH IT, OR IT MIGHT BE OUT OF FASHION BY THE TIME I GET THERE !"
SET the whole police to search in
All Her Majesty's dominions.
Lost-a wicked little urchin;
Last had on-a pair of pinions;
Age, about the age of gold,
Though he scarcely looks as old.
Bears a little bow and quiver,
And the last is full of arrows.
May the friendly Fates deliver
All on earth, except the sparrows,
From the wounds this naughty boy
Scatters with his cruel toy.
Disappeared while on a visit
To the present advertiser;
(Not a nice confession, is it,
For a man who should be wiser
Than to trust him out of sight
For a moment, day or night ?)
So, SIR RICHARD, let you minions
Track the runaway and bind him
With an extra pair of pinions,
Wheresoever they shall find him.
Thanks are all I can afford
In the shape of a reward.
A STITrH IN Trxa.-The latest novelty in sewing machines is one
that will follow the thread of an argument.
The Coming Man.
THE COMING MAN" has come at last. He is of three horse-power,
and weighs five hundred pounds, being seven feet nine in height, and
big in proportion. Yes! we have laughed and joked often enough about
steam men, but we have got one at last. MR. ZADnoK DEDDRICK, a
Yankee machinist, has invented the modern Frankenstein-so say the
scientific papers, and in these days of inventions and discoveries, we
should hardly like to say we doubt the statement. The invention has been
made just in the very nick of time. In a few years we shall be quite at a
stand s till for servants-we mean the human machines,which it is difficult
enough to get even now in really good working order. We shall have
to take to steam domestics, and they will be very convenient. You'll
shunt them all into a shed the last thing and turn the steam off, and
early next morning, the policemin-probably a steam policeman-will
call them, give them a feed of coal, and off they will start on their
duties. The only drawback we can see-and that in these days when
everyone lives near a railway will not be so much noticed-is that they
will whistle so about the house. Of course, too, there is a possibility of
accidents if you work your household at high pressure. The nurse may
blow up and scald the twins; or some of the young folk may get run over
by the butler, or owing to defective signals the housemaid with the
coal-scuttle may come into collision with the footman bearing the
Latest from the Abyssinian Expedition.
UNDER the influence of the "almighty dollar" the natives are
beginning to comprehend that our acquaintance is worth cultivating.
It's astonishing how much light a little "chink" will throw over a
A "REaRwsEnR" FOR COUNTRY PAusoNs.-Easter dues.
FU N.-APmIL 11, 1868.
1 ilr 1 l 1
SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE;
WHICH IS THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER?
AN ODE TO APRliL.
SOME, mizzling month of mac-
intosh and pattens,
Who greatest nature to the
In whose swol'n kennel the
*young duckling fattens:
Pour on! I will endure.
: Come, month of mud and mire,
and muggy mildness,
S With hail and bitter frosts
To whom is given by poets
smit with wildness
The epithet of "soft !
I do not fear thee or thy watery
Whether they wash my face
or scour the plain;
Though thou come dropping-in
with constant showers
I do net hate thy reign.
By 'bus, in Hansom, or on foot, proceeding
I care not thou- h thy lashing drops descend:
Thy rapid rage and ravages unheeding
I go to test my friend .
Friendship is only leather and prunella-
To test my PYLAD :s at once I wend,
And if at once he lends me an umbrella,
I know he is my friend!
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
SHE Exhibition of the Society of British
SArtists is hardly as good this year as it has
been on previous occasions. Still, what good
\'- pictures there are are very good; as, indeed,
they need to be to correct the impression
.- .... produced by the amount of mediocrity and
S inferiority around them. I am not at all
""'"- : sure that bad hanging is not accountable for
a good deal of this bad impression. I ought
to add that the water-colour exhibition is very good-better even
than some of those which are specially devoted to that branch of art.
Among the oil-paintings, the best of the figure-subjects is MR. BARNES.'s
"Joan of Arc," which, in addition to its technical excellence, is
poetically and feelingly treated. Among the landscapes, the palm
must go unquestionably to the "Evening Grey" of Ma. HMvY, an
artist whom a rapid rise in estimation has not, I am glad to see,
made careless or hasty. Of the marine pictures, the best is MAR. EDWIN
HAYES's Wreck off the Devonshire Coast "-the merit of which may
be surmised when I say that it is the best work of his that I have ever
seen. Ma. H. MoonE's "Coasters Becalmed" is another admirable
sea piece. I dare hardly attempt to particularise among the water-
colours, but I must congratulate Mx. WALTERS, whose river scenery I
have long admired, on the breadth and vigour of his more ambitious
and larger picture, "Wind and Rain." In conclusion, I must admit
that I am here expressing the impression of the exhibition produced
by a general survey on the private view day-not the best time for
careful and critical examination. I may find much to add to this
brief notice on a second visit.
To the strange and unaccountable stories of "Rip Van Winkle,"
"The Sleeper Awakened," Barbarossa," "Arthur at St. Michael's
Mount," and all the other legends relating to the arousing from long
and deep slumber of some mystical personage, I have a modern instance
to add. The LoRD CHAMBERLAIN has suddenly started out of his doze,
and, I presume, between sleeping and waking, has done something
"new and strange!" He has declared that a drama founded on-and
closely following the lines of-a story by Ma. DICKENs is not to be
licensed, because it may be injurious to the morals of the public.
Yes Oliver Twist, according to the decision of the Loan CHAMBERLAIN,
is a story of an immoral tendency-calculated, I suppose, to inspire
youth with a desire to imitate Fagan and Bill Sykes I Really this is
too absurd-it is either the mean attempt of'Red Tape to revenge on
MR. DICKENS the satire with which he has assailed it; or it is the
blunder of an incompetent official, who confuses Oliver Twist with
Jack Sheppard-a piece which I will grant ought not to have been
licensed. I hope ere these lines appear that some judicious friend will
have thoroughly awakened the Lord High Rip Van Winkle to the
absurdity of his position.
A DECIDED novelty in the shape of annuals is the Easter Annual,
turned out with a telling wrapper, at the modest price of sixpence. It
contains a story by Mu. JAMLs GIaEENWOoD, who writes as charmingly
about savage life in tropical islands as he writes powerfully about
pauper life in London workhouses, and who seems every now and then
to rush away from this latter theme to the former as if fi'r a breath of
purer and fresher air. It would spoil the story to attempt to describe
the loves of MARMI and MuLAMA and the poetical Superstition of the
Soul-trap and the White Moth. The rest of the contents are meritorious,
but I think a little more variety would have been an improvement,
three long stories taking up almost all the space.
London Society is very good in its art this month. The illustrations
by GILBERT, Du MAURIER, GODDARD, and SMALL are admirable.
The Thumbnail Sketcher is quaint and characteristic this month, and
I am glad to see that though his theme is the cabman, he nobly re-
sists the temptation to join in the conventional abuse of him. The
literary portion is up to the usual standard of the magazine, with one
exception. I am sorry to see a paper called "A day with Athletes"
in L. S. for it must injure the reputation of the magazine sorely in
some quarters. The cockney who wrote it is at home enough when
talking about comedians with their braces hanging down or poets
sitting on newly-pitched barges, but when he writes about the Oxford
and Cambridge boat-race he brings ridicule on himself and disgrace
on the magazine. What will boating-men and University-men say
to a writer who wants to have the race rowed late in the day for a
general holiday like the Derby ? As if the complaint were not that
roughs and rapscallions come in too large a number as it is, and the
boat-race would be a scene like Hampton Races if it were rowed
late. Crowded with steamers on the river and with blackguardism
and cockneyism-on-horseback on the land, the University contest
would be utterly lost and destroyed. But this writer's finest flight is
that in which he urges that the racing boats are not like the boats in
which one is called on to perform useful service." Is a Derby Crack
anything like a roadster ? Yet he who can ride the former will
manage the latter. But hear our friend on the racing boats :-
They are simply pleasure boats, gala-day toys, playthings. Where would those
silk-jacketed blue-ribboned Oxford and Cambridge water-skimmers be in a heavy
ship's boat or a lifeboat in a raging sea ? Why speedily at the bottom I suspect.
Rowing silk lined hat boxes in white kid gloves is no doubt very pretty sport I
This is ignorance of the most impertinent kind. The water-skimmers
have done good service in heavy seas and in lifeboats, as any self-
sufficient scribbler might have known. And as for hat-boxes and kid-
gloves, I wish this "puir daft body" no worse punishment than he
would get if he were condemned to take an oar in the Oxford or Cam-
bridge hat-box for a spurt from Patney to Mortlako. It is odd that
the Editor should have admitted such a farrago of nonsense as this
paper-especially odd that at page 327 of the same number the author
of that capital sketch "A Romantic Incident" should flatly contradict
the theory of our cockney friend.
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.
TALX to me only with thine eyes,
And I will hear with mine.
Turn, hither turn the light that lies
In those twin orbs of thine.
I shall not miss an H or two,
Nor find so many slips
Of grammar as I always do
From those bewitching lips.
In such a deep impassioned glance
Could any eye suspect
Some double negative, perchance,
Which never ain't correct ?
Could any dazzled gaze descry,
In stars thus blue and bright,
A tendency to say "says I,"
Which, I says, can't be right ?
Nay; Love and Prosody combined
Sit smiling evermore,
Within those syes that speak a mind
Above grammatic lore.
Those lips may err-they often d ;
But why should that surprise ?
My love has nothing of the Blae
About her but her eyes.
AN OBJECTIONABLE PLANT.-The Croke-us.
THE CAPITATION GuANT.-A Cardinal's hat.
APRIL 11, 1868.]
TRIAL BY JURY.
ScmEN.-A Court of Law at Westminster.
Opening Chorus of Counsel, Attorneys, and Populace.
ARK! The hour of ten is sounding,
Hearts with anxious hopes are bounding,
Halls of Justice crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear-
For to-day in this arena
Summoned by a stern subpoena
EDWIN, sued by ANGELICA,
Shortly will appear!
Chorus of Attorneys.
Attorneys are we
And we pocket our fee,
Singing so merrily, "Trial la law!
With our merry ca. sa.,
And our jolly fi. fa.
Worshipping verily Trial la law!
Trial la law!
Trial la law!
Worshipping verily Trial la law!
Chorus of Barristers.
With demurrer and plea,
Singing so merrily, Trial la law! "
Be-wigged and be-gowned
We rejoice at the sound
Of the several syllables Trial by law !"
Trial la law!
Trial la law!
Singing so merrily Trial la law!
Usher.-Silence in court, and all attention lend!
Behold the Judge! In due submission bend.
(The Jidge enters and bows to the Bar. The Bar returns the compliment.)
Counselfor Plaintif.-May it please you, myjlud!
Gentlemen of the Jury !
With a sense of deep emotion
I approach this painful case,
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base.
Or deceive a girl confiding,
Vows, et cwetcra, deriding!
All.-He deceived a gir confiding,
Vows, et ccetera, deriding!
Counsel.-See my interesting client,
Victim of a heartless wile,
ee the traitor all defiant
Wear a supercilious smile:
Sweetly smiled my client on him,
Coyly woo'd and gently won him!
All.-Sweetly smiled the plaintiff on him,
Coyly woo'd and gently won him!
Consel.- Swiftly fled each henied hour
Spent with this unmanly male,
Camberwell became a bower,
Peckham an Arcadian vale;
Breathing concentrated otto!
n existence d la Watteau !
All.-Bless us, concentrated otto!
An existence d la Watteau !
Counsel.-Picture, then, my client naming
And insisting on the day,
Picture him exc ses framing,
Going from her far away.
Doubly criminal to do so
For the maid had bought her trousseau!
All.-Doubly criminal to do so
For the maid had bought her trousseau!
(Angelina steps into the witness box.)
Judge.-In the course of my career
As a judex, sitting here,
Never, never, I declare,
Have I see a maid so fair!
All.-Ah! Sly dog!
Judge.-See her sinking on her knees
In the Court of Common Pleas-
Place your briefs upon the self
I will marry her myself!
(He throws himself into her arms.)
All.-Ah! Sly dog!
Judge.-Come all of you-the breakfast I'll prepale-
Five hundred and eleven, Eaten Square!
Trial la law Trial la law!
Singing so merrily, Trial la law !
[ARBIL 11, 1868.
THE whole civilized world will admit that marmalade is An excel-
lent substitute for butter at breakfast." Persons of large income are
sometimes known to make it a supplement instead of a substitute, but
this luscious combination of marmalade and butter is not within the
reach of the many. Loving as we do the succulent speciality of
Dundee,-we have been much upset by reading in the Clerkenwell News
the following announcement:-
CONFECTIONERS.-To be sold cheap, several cwt. of Orange Peel, in good
condition; the Advertiser having the contract for the Sweepings of all the
Metropolitan Theatres and places of amusement, is in a position to treat for it on
unusually advantageous terms. Address, &a.
Really, a line should be drawn somewhere. The orange-peel of
National Drama-say of Richard the Third or Hamlet-may be tole-
rated, but the term "places of amusement" may embrace all sorts of
low haunts. Crushed by the satin shoe of Beauty in the lobbies of
Covent Garden or Drury Lane, the happy peel may acquire a delicacy
far beyond its intrinsic flavour ; ground into the dirty floor by the
hobnailed boots of Crime, at one of its many places of amusement,"
the candidate for marmalade becomes at once ineligible. Nobody of a
scientific turn would reject the sweepings of the Polytechnic, but those
of our minor music-halls would be loathsome to any well-regulated
We have taken a hint from the advertisement quoted above, and
beg to submit the following to all whom it may concern:--
PRINTERS.-To be disposed of, as good as new, several cartloads of Hs (capital
and small), dropped at various times on the boards of Metropolitan Theatres
and places of n-'ti.-ument, Advertiser having contracted for the sweepings of the
stages. Address 80, Fleet-street.
THE FIRST CROQUET.
AH bright days of April, when croquet beginning,
Makes fair lawn and garden look ten times more fair ;
I take my good mallet, it cannot be sinning
To give up all work and rush out to fresh air.
How sad it is croquet's a pleasure, not duty ;
How nice a profession it would be to stay
For ever on lawns smoothly roll'd, and woo Beauty
In earnest, or flirt through the long summl r day.
There's never a painter could mix on his pallet
The colours to rightly portray such a scene;
For yonder a maiden is wielding a mallet,
And fair is her face as the Paphian queen.
She stoops to the sward, and I fain would surrender
All chances of winning to keep by her side,
But she croquets me ruthlessly, laughs when I'm tender,
And sends me away o'er the garden so wide.
Yet I cling to the dream, and I still go on playing,
For Croquet and Cupid are ne'er far apart;
And, perchance, e'er the season has gone fr the Maying,
My loving persistence may win me her heart.
I'll never despair, but on days that are brightest,
I'll stray, like a moth, near my beautiful flame;
My touch when I croquet her ball shall be lightest-
If losing would win her,-I'd give up the game.
APra 11, 1868.]
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; but we do not hold
Much Ado About Nothing. ourselves responsible for loss.]
WE learn from The Grocer that there is some difficulty about the A. E. H. (Connemara.) -Thanks, but not quite suitable.
manufacture of a certain saponaceous article, arising from certain E. W. (Malvern.)-We can do nothing.
restrictive measures adopted by the Boards of Customs and Inland W. N. W. (Hastings.)-A parody on The Spiteful Letter at this late
Revenue. A large quantity of spirit is required in the manufacture of date looks less like Hastings than Delayings.
the article, and the high duty on this spirit gives the Continental Scirlo ArsicANus ought surely to have signed himself Ins(e)ipiens
makers an advantage. The English makers have applied to the Board An o a ends us Births, Deaths, and Marriages-u.atches, Matches,
of Customs-the Board of Trade-the Lords of the Treasury- even and Despatches," and adds, If accepted, remuneration to be sent," etc.,
the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER-for permission to add the spirit will not" mak' mucu out of us, for all his Scotch cunning, for that old joke.
to their compound in a bonded warehouse under the supervision of the NONDESCRIPT.- We should find no difficulty in describing you!
Excise-but all in vain The refusal is grounded on the belief that J. C. R. (Nottirg-hill.)-Might do with a good deal of polishing, but we
"If we grant' the privilege to one we must grant it to all!" One really can't spare the time.
would hardly suppose there was all this difficulty and bother about the DicK.-Your contributions are too Dick-y for us.
manufacture of Transparent Soap, an article to be met with in the G. M.-You had better consult the Era Almanack, we do not undertake
columns of almost any daily paper, not to mention the weeklies-an to answer such questions.
article, in short, that is in everybody's mouth! QuESTOn.-Why lose your temper and become abusive because we con-
sider your aquatic hobby a canoe-sance ?
Declined with thanks.-S. G., Liverpool; Ida; T. Totler; H. B.,
"Fur Opem, Obsecrol l) Paris; G. D., Bedford-square; W. S. P., Bristol; H. A., Croydon; R. A.,
SHammersmith; J. H., Vigo-street; B.; W. W.; A. H. D.; Non Comp~o
Ts HMink is being domesticated and bred in America for the sake Mentis; P. A. E., Chester; H. S. McC., Antrim; W. A. M.3 G. H. B.,
of its far; and it is asserted that unless these means are taken for the Northampton; C. A. M.; A. L. S.; C. E. B., Dartmouth-pirk; T. M. L.,
preserve on of the fur-bearing breeds of animals, they will in a corn- Manchester T. T., Camberwell; J. L., Manchester; J. S., Cockermouth;
parative short time be extirpated-in other words, if we don't Higgley ggledy J. J.. 'erth; E. N. A.; W. S., Cambridge; P. E. R.;
economic them they won't go fur. Zero; A. M. Z.; J. A.; A KRveh; M. A. P., Plymouth.
TAKE THE TRAIN AWAY.
Go, cut it off, my daughters dear,
Though graceful it may be,
And swiftly bring the scissors here
That I the deed may see:
ELISE and JAMES may fume and fret,
Then let them fume, I pray-
Be deaf to all their mad regret,
And take the train away.
I've had enough of robes d queue
Dust-laden in the street,
Of trailing gauzes pink and blue,
Entangled round' my feet:
I've trodden on so many gowns
And caused so much dismay,
So many pettish shrugs and frowns-
Do take the train away.
I'm weary of those endless skirts
In every festive throng,
I hope they'll meet with their deserts-
They've tyrannised too long!
I only wish to live at ease,
I'm not averse to pay
For all the chiffons that you please-
But take the train away !
I cannot keep my temper down
Upon the crowded stair,
I think the follies of the town
More odious than they were :
I stumble and apologize,
I don't know what to say-
The gist of all the matter lies
In-take your train away.
Let crinoline be all the rage
And crowd our streets again,
Let fashions of a bygone age
With paint and patches reign:
Let hoops, and ruffs, and high-heeled shoes
Resume their pristine sway-
And be as fickle as you choose,
Yet-take the train away.
There's plenty left to please the eye
Or vex the mind of man,
The chignon sits enthroned on high
And measures half a span:
We freely give you all your head,
For who shall say you nay ?
But still with vigour be it said,
Take, take the train away.
31ns1to to Crgrm'nwt0
[APRIL 11, 1868.
r ,- -
Mr. Twentysfui :-" JOHN, DO You KNOW WHETHER THERE'S A DITCH ON THE OTHER SIDE
John :-"No, THERE AIN'T, SIR !"
Mr. T. :-" AH THEN JUST PULL DOWN THE HEDGE "
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-No. 57.
NOT as welcome as flowers in May,
But yet of use in a sort of way;
Since the searching breeze of gusty March,
Like your true North-Easter, is apt to parch
And harden the soil with a dusty drouth;-
And so when the wind gets West or South
-.e hail our friends in a sort of way,
Though they're not as welcome as flowers in May.
1.-Some thought it a chrysanthemum-
Would bet on in "five fardens" ;
While others fancied it had come
From distant China's gardens.
You'll see them oft through London going,
They're all a.blowing and a-growing.
2.-" Oar defence" said the counsellor "is that we
Paid back the plaintiff his three pound three ;-
That if we didn't, it matters not,
For he owes us more by a precious lot;-
That also, moreover, and further, he
Made us free gift of the three pound three;-
And that, lastly, to answer the plaintiff's call
That we never had the money at all!"
3.-This painter is less known to fame
By this than by his Christian name;
To him renown, and wealth beside, owe
Those painters, who made him a guide o'.
4.-If you're not certain of this word
It quite describes your state absurd.
5.-They are not brains, since-past a doubt-
No man can live when they are out;
Besides, pet preachers who don't boast
Of brains rely on these the most;
In short they are the means, by which
Those who talk loudest are most rich.
SOLUTION OF AeNOSTIC, No. 55.-Roses, Prost: Reef, Operator, Scio,
CORRECT SOLUTIONS oa AoROSTIO No. 55, RECEIVED APRIL 1 :-Audrey; Not for
Joe; Auld Doggie of Birthwaite; Tiny Ditton; D. E. H.; Bo-galay; J. H. I. 0.
A MOTTO on I-voR-Y MzN.-Check !
OSWEGO PREPARED CORN,
For Puddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
LNo similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
Printedby JUDD & GLASS, Phcenfx Works, St. Andrew's Hilf, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E,C.-London April 1', 18r'8.
APRmL 18, 1868.] F J N 57
THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT
ILHELM was tall and slender,
And KARL he short and stout was,
On sisters they were tender,
Of whose hearts the surrender
A willing one, no doubt, was.
They used to serenade them
By night upon a ladder;
The dulcet strains they played them
Must certainly have made them
Much happier and gladder.
S, They vexed with thrums and pinches
Their mandolin and zittern;
WILHELM, the man of inches,
S"-,Sang sweetly as the finches,
But KARL sang like a bittern.
Said WILHELM, "'Twould be neater
S\ \Said KAL, "It might be sweeter
For music and for metre,
SBut I can't reach the high notos!"
"Small obstacles like these, Sir,"
S, Quoth WILHELM, can't be built on;
Sing higher, if you please, Sir.
Try stilts! They'll be the cheese, Sir,
r uAs you will be the stilt-on.
So KA 1L his stilts provided,
And sang much higher, shortly;
"That is a most dscidcd
Improvement, Sir," confided
The tall man to the portly.
But dangerous the stilt was!
It slipt from off the ladder,
And KARL he badly epilt was-
In fact he somewhat kilt was
(No story could be sadder)!
By her, the sorrow-rackt one,
His elegy was spoken:-
"His fate might well distract one-
His voice was aye a crackt one,
But now his neck is broken!"
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
4 t1 BHE DARK BLUE has been once again successful
VJ) on the river; but I believe that Oxford men
in their inmost hearts will admit that they
would not have grudged the victory to their
gallant opponents had they won it-would,
fit in fact, have been almost as pleased to see
L Fortune favour the brave of the lighter colour.
"Of course the Cambridge men will give up
trying now," say those who know nothing
about it. But they will row again, and will win yet, despite the
twaddle of those who don't understand the spirit which animates the
Universities. I most sincerely wish, for the honour of the contest and
the Universities, that the race could be fixed to come off at a greater
distance from London, for I regret to see that it is year after year
becoming a bettor's and bookmaker's business. We shall have that
pleasant person, the betting-man, saying presently that the race has
'ITHE Cornhill is exceptionally good this month. In the first place its
illustrations are of thehighestoi der of merit. Ma. Du MALURIE'sgraceful
picture to "Lady Denzil" finds a worthy companion in an exquisite
drawing by Miss EDWAInDS, who is every month establishing more
clearly her claim to a place in the first rank of our artists on wood.
"A Holiday Among Some Old Friends" is a capital story, the old
Greek ideas being so wonderfully given in modern language, that it
might have been written by THUCYDIDES, if he had received a sound
English education. "Don Ricardo" is interesting and amusing, and
so is Surnames in England" :-in fact, I don't remember when I
have seen such a Cornhill since THACKEIRAY'S time. In Belgravia we
have one admirable picture by PANNEMAKER-that is, engraved in tint
by him in a most masterly style, but of course to the utter obliteration
of the artist's individuality. That is, perhaps, to be regretted in this
instance, though one is inclined to 'vish he had engraved Madame
Carlitz" and "Ill-Tidings," for then they might have been present-
able. The literary portion of the magazine is not as readable as usual.
There's a trifle too much of continued novel-ty in it, but "Palletteville,"
and "London Palaces" are pleasant papers. Beautiful for ever,"
though shaky in its English at times, is sound enough in scientitia
points, though one could wish a writer of Di. SCOFrEsN'S attainments
a worthier subject than pearl-powder and pomatum. The verse is not
remarkable this month. It is to be regretted in the case of
the author of the Dawn of Truth," that the truth did not
dawn upon him that ken and chain are scarcely rhymes. One
of the best things in the Argosy is a paper by HESBiA STIETTON entitled
" Quiet Attentions "-pleasant, gossiping, and "personal "-by which
I mean that the author's own personality is evident in it. The Grey
Monk" is an ordinary ghost-story, and the rest of the number is not
above the average. The artist is to be congratulated on an improve-
ment in his style of illustration.
THE first number of the new series of the St. Jam es's Magazine,
edited byMns. RIDDELL, makes its appearance with a brilliant heraldic
cover in gold and colours, and a pleasing frontispiece. On the whole,
it is a very fair first number, with a good paper on opera, and two
smart political essays. I detect strong pens at work here-notably
MR. HANNAY's. The verse is not up to the mark, which does not
surprise me-few men are good judges of verse, but I should be almost
tempted to say no ladies are. The two novels open piomisingly. I
wish the new proprietary all success. Cassell's Magazine keeps up its high
character for literature, and is as fresh and varied and sound as ever;
while the Quiver continues true to its original design and caters well
for its peculiar class of readers. But in the matter of illustration these
two magazines must claim the distinction of possessing tie worst-
engraved pictures in London. MR. PINWELL is a clever draughtibman,
but I will defy him to draw such a block as that which bears his name
on the front page of the Quiver,-ho couldn't do anything so ingeni-
ously and deliberately bad. Such engraving injures the reputation not
only of the magazine but of the artist, besides damaging art and the
public taste. I have taken the first instance that came to hand, but
thero is hardly one block in these two magazines in which the artibt
has had anything like justice done him.
VOL. VII. F
58 FU N. [APRIL 18, 1868.
S\H, well may Fux throw up his hands and sigh
To think of music in the days gone by!
SPUsCELL and BsnorP Time has rung your knell
In tinkling tunes by cloying CLARIBEL.
/ But now her turn arrives! Her triumph palls
Beside the glories of the Music Halls
'""1 "Racketty Jack" in drawing-rooms to-day,
Can boast with Janet's Choice" divided sway,
"Racketty Jack "-the Chickaleary Bloke"-
By dukes and princes specially bespoke!
From refuse rubbish flung upon a heap
Will toadstools spring, and mildew meshes creep.
From the decay of modern music's trash,
Springs the great VANCE and leaps the jolly NASH.
Farewell to English Opera! Farewell
SThe basso villain, and the tenor swell,
The fair soprano, the contralto page,
S^ And all the graces of the lyric stage.
0 NIn vain may REEVEs (when doctors don't forbid)
Fight for her failing standard like a Cid,
And SIIERINGTON her thrilling notes prolong,
~j' ^ Y They can but richly swell the swan's last song!
CO Farewell, poor English Opera! No more
Assume the prefix "Royal" as of yore;
4 For princely tastes your melodies are slow
Compared with "Captain Jinks," and "Not for Joe."
) 1From Covent Garden, bankrupt, unsustained,
C Poor English Opera in darkness waned;
i. a D While Champagne Charlie-well may people stare!-
Flaunts proudly in a phaeton and pair.
Yet who dare murmur that it should be so?
Theirs be the blame who brought the art so low,
From Concert-Room to Music Hall to range
E- E F's Was not a degradation, but a change.
O s I, Aye! when the cad assumes the judge's part
r a IT K\N o VV And from his counter patronises art;
T 4 -TI A T When artists hire their voices out to puff
S-A PR c'T For music-shopkeepers unworthy stuff;
CE/ When this unbiassed critic can insist
MA That no pianistes-save his wife-exist,
And that his journal's influence can bring
To prove that none can like his daughter sing;
' --. When for good notices black mail is paid;
\ / c j When music means but profitable trade;
S- Let English music perish then outright;"
But let no twilight usher in the night;
Let the destroying tempest o'er it burst
Ere it quite reach its lowest and its worst.
On Maggie's Secret" let the curtain fall
And not on "Joseph" from the Music Hall!
APRIL 18 1868.]
Posts and Pumps.
A pumir near Dor-
into decay and disuse
the handle was re.
moved, but it was
to repair it; when it
was discovered that
no fewer than twenty
letters had been de-
posited there, having
been dropped through
the slit whence the
handle had been re-
moved. How strong
is natural affinity!
All these letters must
have been entrusted
to pumps before they
were posted in this
Which It Is!
Tnx Chaplain of
the Strand Union has
been defending the
authorities of that
abode of bliss in a
letter addressed to a
have not -the least
objection to his doing:
rally require a good
deal of defending, and
.it is no doubt good
practice for the chap-
lain. Biut he should
not forget that im-
portant, as the inte-
rests of the guardians.
may be, the well-
being of the English
language is almost
as important. When
he writes As chap-
lain, I am acquainted
with all the ladies,
and which are not a
few, who are autho-
rised to visit the in-
mates," he proves
that among his lady-
acquaintances he does
not number his
HAD LonD STAN-
LEi'S Amendment in
the late Irish debate
been carried, his
lordship would have
sooni learnt from sad
experience how little
* difference there is
between a temporiser
- and a temper-riser.
Mate of Schooner (to Bargee) :-" Hi! I SAY,. LOOK OUT FOR OURl
Bargee :-" Or, INDEED! WOT ARE YOU, En ? THE hATE "
Mate:-" YES, I AM !"
Bargee :-" THEN YOU SPEAK TO YOUR QUALB-I'm Cap'n' !'
PAINT WITH THAT
Sit on Them!
law is scarcely more
verdicts." A London
jury returned the
other day a verdict to
the effect that a man
who had hanged him-
self and was cut down
but too late for any
successful attempt's at
resuscitation, had died
suicide." This is
almost as reasonable
as the provincial jury
which sat on the body
of a man who upset
his gig and was killed
on the Epot. In
giving in a verdict of
accidental death, the
jurors added a sort of
congratulation for the
friends on the ground
that "it was quite as
well that he had
killed himself or he
might have been tried
A WOMAN named
MARYWALKER, who is
better known as the
* female barman," was
brought up at the
charged with wearing
man's apparel and
begging. This lady
must not be con-
founded with another,
who, under the name
of D i. M AR Y
lately in London.
The latter entered
the medical pro-
fession, whereas the
called to the bai
AMONG the educa-
tional works adver-
tised in the Academia,
we notice a series
entitled The Circle of
presume that when
treating of arithmetic
it deals in round
TRAIN :-A lady's
May it Please Your Wash-up I Under the Sea.
THE Pall Mall Gazette in its Occasional Notes" recommends the A GERMAN engineer, BAUER by name, has invented a new machine
London Fire Brigade to employ its leisure time in playing upon some for submarine locomotion. It would no doubt be useful as a means of
of our London monuments, and suggests that many would be improved recovering the best BAUER anchor if it were lost.
by the removal of their thick coating of soot. This is all very well,
but does our contemporary remember that a washing given to Temple A Mark to Quiz at.
Bar on the occasion of the Sultan's visit nearly washed the edifice LORD TOWNSHEND has gone in so madly for the proud position of
away ? In fact, as has been often said, our public monuments won't preux chevalier of servant girls, and has done sach strange jobs in that
wash at all. capacity, that he ought to be styled the Marquis-of-all-work.
60 F U 'N [APRIL 18, 1868.
A TALE OF THE TROPICS.
T'ITTI FAL LAY was a lovely
The white of her eye was like
Her skin was the blackest of inky
And her lips were as scarlet as seal-
She wore her hair in a fuzz a-top,
Like a swab (the nautical term for
Her ivory teeth were two gleaming
And she carried a skewer in her
Se comely nose.
She loved a sailor (did Tirrz FAL
Who had been on that island cast
TITTI FAL LAY was the child of a
But she loved JAC' DBADzRYs like
She loved JAcx DEADEYns ; hut--woe is me!-
JACK DEADEYES he wasn't in love with she;
For he fondly thought of his lovely NAx
(Who lived at Wapping), did that young man.
And so, alas, and alack-a-day!
When an English ship sailed into the bay
(The Lively Betty, a seventy-four),
He took a berth in that man-of-war I!
Then TiTTr FAL LAY (her heart was broke)
Wept-but never a word she spoke;
But she skewered herself, did the mournful maid,
On the native weapon, a sword-fish blade.
They buried her under the Bo-bo tree,
With her favourite kitten along o' she;
And the purple-nosed monkeys sadly rave,
And chew their tails o'er the maiden's grave.
MRS. BROWN AND THE GAS METER.,
REALLY, as to bein' up to the ways of this 'ere world nobody can't
be, not even a detective, as knows most things, for I'm sure the way
as Mn. SPILMAN, as were only a superintendent, a friend of Baown's
could sift a thing out was downright wonderful, as I never see a man
with sich a forehead, as run to the back of 'is 'ead, and a eye as looked
you thro' and thro' with a awful squint, and always put me in a twitter
if only askin' a simple question, he'd sich a way with 'im, and seemed
for to glide like a serpint all over the place, and would drop in at all
hours, and never could tell where he was a-goin' to or a-comin' from,
and I'm sure as often come in to our place that faint as he were glad
of a bit of something with 'is tea.
But the impidence of them wagabones beats all as ever I did 'ear
a-comin' round a-askin' for to look at your gas meter, as certingly
would 'ave 'ad the eight-day clock in a brace of shakes, as the sayin'
is, all but for me a-lookin' over the banisters at 'em thro' not altogether
a-likin' their looks when the gal let 'em in as bold as brass a-sayin' as
they'd come to look arter the gas.
I wouldn't 'ave let 'em in for the world only the gas 'ad been that
unpleasant for a day or two, as proved to be a leak jest in the corner
of the front parlour by the cupboard enough to knock you down, as
makes me always that afraid since the time as we was nearly all
blowed to 'Alifax thro' old DusToN as 'ad a bed for the night a-blowin'
of the gas out for all the world as if it had been a candle in 'is absence,
and if he'd 'ad a lucifer 'andy, would no doubt 'ave struck a light, as
must 'aye been sudden distraction to us all.
So when these fellers come to the door and asks about the meter, I
says to the gal, "Let 'em see it by all means, and ask 'em if they
can stop that stifley smell, as takes away my breath."
They told 'er as they could manage it easy, and got a-fidgetin' with
the meter, and told 'er for to run up in the front parlour and see if it
Up she comes with a candle to light it, and I goes to the top of the
stairs jest in time for to see 'em take the clock off the bracket outside
the kitchen door, as BROwN were that obstinate he would put it there,
tho' I kep' on a-sayin' as the passage were the place.
Well, I see them fellers collar it, and goes into the parlour and tells
the gal to run and find a perliceman, and waits for my gentlemen to
come up. So up they come, a-sayin' as they'd made it all right.
Oh," I says, "'ave you, then p'raps you'll jest give a eye to this
burner afore you goes."
Says one, My mate will, but I'm in a 'urry."
"Oh," I says, it's only to turn the' tap as goes stiff," as were quite
Well, they said something to one another, and the one as 'ad got
the clock in a bag turns to go downstairs ag'in.
I says, What do you want going down there ag'in P"
He says, "I've left some of my tools," but I see what were 'is game
to levant by the kitchen door.
So I got the one for to go into the back parlour as there was irons
to the winder on, and knowed as he couldn't get out thro' not bein' a
weasel, and I turns the key on 'im quite quiet, and follows the other
down and overtook him at the bottom of the stairs and jest slipped my
'and down 'is shirt-collar as I'd heardd MR. SPILMAN say were the best
way to collar 'em, and I says, You jest drop that clock," not as I
meant 'im to do it, but he did, and it come on my foot with a crash as
would 'ave made me sing out, but I wouldn't give way afore 'im, the
Well, he was a-writhin' violent for to get away from me, and kicked
at me like a furious jackass with all 'is 'obnails, but I kep' a-twistin'
'is collar as made 'im choke dreadful, and I drags 'im into the front
kitchen. I couldn't 'ave believed as I'd got the strength in me to 'ave
done it, but I got 'im down on the floor, and set on 'im.
He hollers, Get up, you're a-murderin' me!"
I says, I'll get up when some one comes to 'elp me." He tried
for to whistle to the other chap as I heardd a-'ammerin' away at the door
upstairs a-tryin'. I says, "'Ammer away, my beauty! for I'd slipped
the bolt, and that there door were lined with iron, thro' avin' been a
housee as once stood alone, and all the back was fastened werry strong,
as I did used often to think were foolishness.
I was a-hopin' as the gal wouldn't be much longer with the perlice-
man, for that feller were a-strugglin' frightful, and but for my knuckles
ag'in 'is windpipe, as is a tender part, he'd 'ave got loose, but all of a
sudden he give a wiolent plunge, and throwed me over, and was on 'is
feet in a instant, give a rush to the door jest in time to meet the
perlice as the gal 'ad let in with the key. She seen' me a-layin' on
the floor begun for to scream as he'd murdered me.
So I says, "'Old your noise, it's only my nose a-bleedin'," as is not
dangerous in a gin'ral way, though I 'ave heardd of parties as it 'ave
brought to a untimely grave. The perlice pretty soon bagged the
other as I'd caged in the back room, and off they walked 'em.
But law, if I'd knowed all the trouble as 1 should 'ave 'ad a-appearin'
ag'in them I do think as I'd 'ave let 'em go, clock and all, tho'
the magistrate was werry perlite a-sayin' as I were quite a hero, and
fully remanded 'em both.
It was that werry same evening' as I'd been afore the magistrate,
about eight o'clock, as a knock come at the door and the gal said as a
woman wanted to speak to me, so I goes out in the passage and there was
a miserable-looling creetur of a woman with a babby in 'er arms as said
she'd come for to beg on me not to appear ag'in'er husband For," she
says, "want 'ave drove 'im to it, as 'avn't 'ad a bit of work since afore
I says, "What does he work at P?" She says, "He's a gas-fitter,
and was 'ticed into it by the other, as is a regular thief."
I says, Where do you live ? "
So she give me a address, and I says I'll make inquiries." Well,
she begun a-whimperin' and a-cryin' and so she made the babby, as I
thought were deception, so I told 'er as I'd see about it, and shows 'er
I was a-talkin' to BRowN aboutnit, as says, "I'll speak to SPILMAN,"
and out he goes. He had'nt been gone ten minutes when a tidy
respectable woman come to the door a-askin' for me, as said she were
the mother of the one as I'd locked in the room, and she says, He's
a 'ard-workin' young feller, only he's got into bad company and only
"Why," I says, "the wife of the other says he's a regular thief, and
'ticed 'er'usband." "Oh," she says, a-sheddin' tears, "he's but a boy."
Well," I says, "he's a good big 'un." She says, "he's been a
good son to me, as am a widder."
Well, I couldn't 'elp a-feelin' for 'er, and she said as she'd come all
the way from Shepherd's Bush, and 'adn't slep' a wink all night. So
I give 'er a cup of tea, but didn't make no promise, and she went off
a-blessin' me up hill and down dale, as the sayin' is.
When BiowN come 'ome he told me as SPILMAN 'ad promised for to
inquire, and about nine o'clock who should come in but Ma. SPILMAN,
as told me they was a couple of regular thieves, and them women was
part of the gang, as 'ad got stories always ready for to work on any
F U N.-APRIL 18, 1868.
BENI'S ZOUG ZOUGS;
THE DIZZY CABINET, (METAPHORICALLY TREATED).
I ;. *-
APRIL 18, 1868.]
one's feeling's, so in course I appeared ag'in 'em, and of all the impi-
dence as that feller as I'd collared give way to, a-sayin' to the Magis-
trate as I did ought to be 'ad up for 'arf murderin' 'im, and if the
Magistrate 'isself didn't smile, and all the others grin when that chap
said as it were worse than murder to 'ave me a-settin' on 'is back, and
I do believe as the Magistrate let 'em off easy thro' their a-charfin' me,
for they only got three months, and what satisfaction is that to me
with my clothes nearly tore off my back and the inside of my clock
shook all to bits, and as I were a-walkin' away from the Court if that
wagabone with the babby as 'ad come to beg the feller off didn't come
up to me and say as she'd mark me for life, and would 'ave done it,
no doubt, but for me a-'ollerin' Perlice and getting' into a cab, but
have kep' the front gate locked constant ever since, and was 'arf afraid
to go over the door for fear them. wretches should throw witriol or
something, as nobody isn't safe in their beds with sich characters
about, as is a downright pestilence, as 'ard labour is too good for, and
did ought to be transported.
THE REVEREND MICAH SOWLS.
HE REVEaREND MICAH BOWLS,
He shouts and yells and howls,
He screams, he mouths, he bumps,
SHe foams, he rants, he thumps.
His armour he has buckled on to wage
The regulation war against the Stage;
And warns his congregation all to shun,
"The Presence Chamber of the Evil One.'
The subject's sad enough
To make him rant and puff,
And fortunately, too,
His bishop's in a pew.
So REVEREND MICAH claps on extra steam,
SHis eyes are flashing with superior gleam,
wa I He is as energetic as can be,
For there are fatter livings in that see.
bishop, when it's o'er,
Goes through the vestry door
Where MIcAHr, very red,
Is mopping of his head.
"Pardon, my Lord, your Sowl's excessive zeal,
It is a theme on which I stroii ly feel,'
(The sermon somebody had sEnt him down
From London at a charge of half-a-crown.)
The bishop bowed his head
And, acquiescing, said
"I've heard your well-meant rage
Against the Modern Stage.
"A modern Theatre, as I heard you say,
Sows seeds of evil broad-cast: well, it may-
But let me ask you, my respected son,
Pray, have you ever ventured into one ?"
"My Lord," said MICAH, "no !
I never, never go!
What? Go and see a play ?
My goodness gracious, nay! "
The worthy bishop said, My friend, no doubt
The stage may be the place you make it out,
But if, my reverend Sowls, you never go,
I don't quite understand how you're to know."
Well, really," MICAH said,
I've often heard and read
But never go-do you ? "
The Bishop said, "I do."
That proves me wrong," said MI eA, "in a trice ;
I thought it all frivolity and vice."
The Bishop handed him a counter plain;
Just take this stall and go to Drury Lane."
The Bishop took his leave,
Rejoicing in his sleeve.
The next ensuing day
BowLS went and heard a play.
He saw a dreary person on the stage,
Who mouthed and mugged in simulated rage-
Who growled and spluttered in a mode absurd,
And spoke an English BOWLS had never heard.
For "gaunt" was spoken garnt,"
And "haunt" transformed to "harnt,"
And wrath" pronounced as "rath,"
And "death" was changed to "dtLth."
For hours and hours that dismal actor walked
And talked, and talked, and talked, and talked, and talked,
Till lethargy upon the parson crept,
And sleepy MIic.H SOWLs serenely slept.
He slept away until
The farce that closed the bill,
Had warned him not to stay,
And so he went away.
"I thought," said he, "I was a dreary thing,
I thought my voice quite destitute of ring,
I thought my ranting could distract the brain,
But oh I hadn't beern to Drury Lane.
Forgive me, Drury Lane,
Thou penitential fane,
Where sinners should be cast
To mourn their wicked past."
Lucky Thing bfor the Directors,
SHARnEHOLDnEs have no voice in the control of one important branch
of railway plant-the .switch.
[ArPmI 18, 1868.
Splashed Party :-" THROWN Oin No, I HAVEN'T BEEN thr-own EXACTLY; BUT THE WIND IS SO DOOSID HIGH IT BLEW ME OUT OF THE
SADDLE ONCE OR TWICE!"
MY ODE TO SPRING.
BY A CLOWN, AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE PANTOMIME SEASON.
-' iILD Spring, when every-
O' 'h J thing,
It i Oh, Spring!
fl i That grows into exis-
S'I i0 ,'t, i tence shoots-
Even the corn within my
S1' .-'' i' Without a license, too,
S' These lines I fling,
As flats throw flies,
In hopes to get a rise"
if ,l Out of the water, I-oh,
S( Spring!-to thee
Devote my leisure time,
bA because, you see,
V The pantomimes are
over, and I hate
That wretched state
.L.- ~-'=- Y '. In which MAHOMET-
coffin like-I rest
Before the "Gardens" ope (Cremorne's the best),
And I must cool my heels;
Like spring-heel'd JACK, I feels
Before the first spring of the season. Say
Spring (which your dress provided is by May),
Spring, do you think I welcome you? Not I1
Think you I do not see more sweet delights
In Winter's cold than e'er I can espy
In the soft zephyrs of the shortening nights
Now coming on,-in snow, in rain, in slosh,
Far than in vernal Spring? In vernal bosh!
Though hand-springs more are in my way,
Accept my lay;
Albeit, thy ray .
Sheds no delight on such as me,
As was our columbine, for we must part
Upon our separate roads; she takes my heart
Along with her, oh, Spring!
Hurry away upon Time's rapid wing,
And Summer too, ann Autumn lose no time,
Until the pantomime
Makes us forget our rheumatiz and bunions.
Oh, Spring! when forth spring leeks, likewise spring-onions.
My watch, no doubt,
(Though I'm engaged for pantomime not speaking,)
I soon must spout;
For an engagement I'm at present seeking:
The music-halls are full-I seek in vain, Spring;
My watch was not a bad one in the main-spring.
Oh, Spring! before you came I lived in clover,
But now that's over.
At Christmas, after meat, in manner regal,
I had of pastry an extended ch'ice,
But now my pudding-shade of Loan MONTEAGLE !-
Is (oh, Spring) Rice.
THE Turf exercises a strange fascination over its 'followers,-we
verily believe that if Newmarket Heath were visited with an earthquake
racing men would run down the next day to inspect "the cracks."
APRIL 18, 1868.] F UJN. 67
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-No. 58. '
Oun Senators hail this, 'tis truly a blessing, J, '
When work for the nation becomes quite oppressing;
The Tories were routed, you know the division; ,
We wait after this for Disraeli's decision. I .;*/ "'
1.-Far across our northern Knavesmire there is seen an '
Where on heath and waving woodland still a mighty' '
shrine looks down: I,
In the olden days aforetime that place had a Latin
Which if shorten'd gives the answer very surely
2.-It was called in a song both "jolly," and "old"; '
The colour we know in the sunlight is gold,' .
'Tis made in our England and everywhere sold. .
3.-'Twas scarcely courteous you'll declare, I know, li
That ladies should the regal power forego;
And so we altered this, and here is seen, i,
A happy realm that's governed by a queen. n
4.-We've heard of Time and Tide,
And read in a curious book,
Of something else beside
This word, if you'll take but a look.
5,-I do it, in doing this thing;
It flies swift as bird on the wing; '
Each evening it comes to my door, '
And costs but a penny, no more.
6.-The coach in old days,
In the terrible ways, -
Used to flounder therein.
Mlen got wet to the skin,
Drivers cursed and guards swore,
And travel was a bore.,
SOLUTION TO AcROsTIC No. 5G.-Talanta, British:
Tub, Archer Lorelei, Abbot, Neri (Neri-Baraldi), Tales,
Ah. o BRIEF BAGS."
SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIc No. 58, RECEIVED APRIL 8th :--None A SKETCH IN CAC LANE.
correct. A SKETCH IN CHANCERY LANF.
Pall Nail Paragraphs. 31t5bus to ~orr u)o Clts.,
A LITTLE while ago the Pall Mall favoured the world with a para-
graph which nobody could understand. Mh. MAx MULLER protesting [VWe cannot return unaccepted M88. or kcetches, unless they are
against it, was informed it was "only inelegant." We wonder how accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; but we do not kold ourselves
the P. Xt. 0. will explain this paragraph:- responsible for loss.]
It is said that there are hopes of the recovery of M. FORCA.U; and as the J. S. (Faversham) tells us that The following actually occurred in
eorfrire of all European journalists, and one of the most illustrious among them, Wiltshire during his residence there "-the following being the old Joet
we trust sincerely that these hopes have a good foundation." MILLER about "Boy, don't take off your hat to me, or you'll frighten my
In English this would be understood to mean that we"-i.e., the horse," and boy's reply, "I waant a-goiun' to." WVe swallow a good niany
editor of the P. lf. G.-are "the confrbre of all European journalists good things from Favershan-ybut they are bivalves, not JOE MILLtiS.
and one of the most illustrious among them." Whatit means in Pall- EssEx CALF would make better veal than jokes, we hope.
mallese we cannot pretend to say. fact, the is such a P. (Euston-road.)-It seems utterly useless to say we do not require
curious mixture of arrogance and inelegance that, in drawing atten- B. C. F. says he ventures "ill a-bed" to send us three riddles. The
tion to this paragraph, we are uncertain whether we have to condemn illness has clearly not affected his memory, and we are glad to perceive that
our contemporary for want of modesty or for lack of grammar. our own volumes have been the solace of the aick-roomn.
F. B. (Aldersgate-stredt.)-Mi. DIsnAELI has not been Premier a month,
and yet you are the seventy-sixth sender of what you describe as the on dit "
In the Name of Our Prophet-Pickles! about "a Dizzy height."
NICHOLAs, lost for a time to the sportive men of merry, merry JAL.-It's sur-pris'n' you don't know by this time we do not require
England, could hardly have beaten the vaticinal feat of a famous acrostics.
racing correspondent and popular tipster, in one of the morning T. H. C. (Truro) should have sent the original, not a copy.
racing correspondent and popular tipsterin one of the morning PHIL-P.-We do not remember the Shakesperian reply.
newspapers. This gentleman, on the eve of the Great Northampton- D. O.T. (Brighton).-Thanks.
shire Stakes, selected, with cautious plurality, six horses from a field T. W.-Your note has been attended to.
of thirteen, and yet managed to avoid naming either the first, second, H. F. G.-We don't think that (to quote your own language,) your "more
or third horse in the race. He would probably not have done as much jokes and puns is sure to appear in FUN."
if he had tried; and he could not have done more, negatively speaking, OxoN.-Your contribution was-among other thingsa-too late.
if he had trusted to the lottery of names shaken up in a hat. M. B.-We said what we did on good authority. We sympathize with
you, but, as you say, the subject is a grave one. Don't mind the spiteful
Let it be Done Straight Declined with thanks:-R. H.; J. L.; T. R.; D. H.; M. L. S.
THE residents in the Straits Settlements hada dinner at the Albion Pshynik; Slew ; GemS; CLiverposstreeol; G. P. N., Rotherhith; p Ser iously,"
Tavern the other day, under the presidency of MR. NAPIER, and one Tulse-hill ; J. G. G., Exeter; W., Dublin; F. C., Itye; r V. T., Worksop;
of the great toasts of the evening was, success to the Straits Settle- Tl. 0., Brixton-hill; W. L., Hull; Old Oswetry; 11. A B.; Foundation
ments." With all our hearts! We should like to see the settlements Stone; IM. A. H., Manchester; J. F., Newcasstle-on-Tyne; Alpha;
of a great many straits-commencing, let us say, with the straits on T. R. B., Leyton; Bobby; J. W. M., Stockton-on-Tees; A. B.,Brighton;
the other side of the Irish Channel. Didymus; J. S., Vauxhall Bridge-road; Scio.
[APRIL 18, 1868.
Ti.E NEW BUTLER.
Old Swell (who is entertaining his tenants) :-" WHAT WINE HAVE OU PeUT
ONx, TOMKINS ? "
.Butler :-" THE TwENTY-rOUR, SIR !"
Old Swell :-" WHY, CONFOUND IT, THAT'S THE OLDEST WINE IN THE
Butler :- "YES, 6IRr WHICH I NATURAL THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO GET
RID OF THE OLDEST rUST "
THERE was a meeting in support of Ma. J. A. SMITH'S Bill at the
Hanover-square Rooms the other day, with a number of notables pre-
sent- among them the DUKE OF Ai GYLL A working-man rose in the
body of the hall and argued against the Bill as an infringement of the
liberty of the people; but he was so hooted and interrupted, that the
chairman, the AcuinhSH OFr o Youm, had to interfere twice in. the
interest of fair-play. The generous and manly conduct of the meet-
ing must have reminded his GRACE or AnGYLL of his own behaviour
in the House of Lords a little while since !
GIvE me, oh give me your photograph, Miss;
Give me a ringlet, or give me a kiss ;
Give me a glove in my bosom to place;
Won't you ?-Then give me a slap on the face.
MR. STr HEN J. MIEANY, who has been formerly imprisoned for less
creditable crimes than treason-felony, has received a conditional pardon
and has left for New York. Government was very kind indeed to offer
him the congenial employment of stealing out of England.
A SCIUaTIFIC journal reports that saponin may be extracted from
the roots of dianthus." In other words, the botanist may, without being
accused of vulgarity, address his flowers with Well, my pinks, how
are you off for soap ? "
A Literary Discovery.
THAT ingenious American who discovered that Loun BACON wrote
SHAKESPEARE'splaysis now engaged on a treatise to prove that HoINER
was the inventor of petroleum-at any rate he was known as the old
man of Scio's "rocky i'le."
E-IZT -S FOIR DIS
OSWEGO PREPARED CORN,
For P-ddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
No similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
A SATURDAY'S REVIEW.
THE same old trick, time out of mind,
Has borne the puppets to the pullies
In life, as once at school, we find
That cowards are too often bullies.
If mud's the proper thing to fling
In this hard world, so sorrow-laden,
I'll throw my gauntlet in the ring
And battle for the English maiden.
Must little critics have their say ?
Are none of them ashamed of lying ?
Are weakly papers made to pay
By fish-and none the sweetest- crying ?
Are all determined to mistake
The coarsest capsicums for Chutnee ?
Are we asleep and they awake ?
Have women-writers been to Putney ?
I know a sinner from a saint,
Can pick out honest work from padding.
Partition purity from paint
And see what woman is, what wadding.
I've led the life to understand,
Who learn, who merely write their parts out,
Wise worthy women in the land
We know, who heard them cheer their hearts out.
On horse, in carriages, on foot,
Blue-mantled for the yearly tussle,
Swept by the tender English loot,
To gladden Englishmen of muscle.
One seiterce writ on every face
Kept asking, Why should I delay it ?
And do men think us a disgrace ?
And are we like-they couldn't say it !
I saw them pass with honest eyes,
And laughter lingering in laces,
Their hair ablaze with Saxon dyes,
And nature's paint upon their faces.
I heard their cheery voices ring,
And echo motherward from daughter.
And then I growled "I'd like to fling,
That churlish critic in the water."
Audi Alteram Partem.
THosE who are ever ready to cry down the pursuit of
racing will do well to remember that it has its re-
deeming qualities as well as its objectionable features-
you will rarely find a meeting where some of the races
are not set down as morals for certain horses.
APRIL 25, 1868.]
LIFE IN LODGINGS.
HE lamented poet who considerately in-
T formed the public in his verse that he
I, jhad "sighed to find his warmest wel-
come at an inn," had probably lived a
good deal in furnished lodgings. The
I distinguished scientific writer who
pens this treatise, and who is a
~ member of all the existing learned
bodies, and of several more besides,
has not the least idea who the lamented
,,, ,; I'S bard was, and does not intend to
," : wll['il'l !f-Al trouble himself to do more than guess.
'Il\.1 ijI' I-' All knowledge is but guess-work, and
',,";"' l','i.'il as a mere matter of fairness all guess-
,, i il'i -work must be knowledge. Therefore,
',"'-'- ..^ ^ the author of the lines about welcomes
[,'__j .' J at inns may be presumed to be SnHEN-
STONE, the probability of whose habit
of living in lodgings is strengthened
by the fact that as soon as he got a
house of his own he called it Lease-
owes, as if in contradistinction to a
SAny one who has lived in lodgings
will admit that they scarcely consti-
tute a realization of that "home" for
which-and particularly with regard
to that part of it known as the hearth-
man is described as prepared to lay
down his life.
The author of this treatise, handling
his theme with his usual exhaustive
ingenuity, has determined to write
about lodgings-the first chapter de-
voted to a description of the pleasures
of life in lodgings, and the remainder
to an enumeration of its discomforts. As, however, he has not yet
met with any materials for his first chapter, he decides to begin at the
second. The worst discomfort of lodging-life consists in landladies.
A person of philosophic mind might nerve himself to submit without
a murmur to all the others, but the landlady is unbearable, represent-
ing as she does (in addition to other bad qualities) the mere money
considerations which destroy the finer illusions of life and rob the
communion of man with man of its more delicate refinements. The
grasping avarice which insists upon a regular settlement of accounts is
the prevailing vice of landladies-their worst characteristic, but by no
means their only moral obliquity.
The landlady is described by the naturalist as belonging to the order
Raptores, and is known by its crooked bill,
and its long talons endowed with a peculiar
tenacity of grasp. In the sub-families it
S varies in plumage and size, and displays
Some distinctive peculiarities and habits,
but it never loses the characteristics which
win for it a prominent place in the Order
of Birds of Prey.
"The landlady who has seen better days"
is a creature whom it were unpardonable
t. folly to regard with pity. Because she has
seen better days she compels her lodger to
see worse ones. She hovers round him like
the ghost of gentility in a wet blanket in-
stead of a sheet. She flaps her feeble hands
S -encased in rusty mittens -and maunders
in a melancholy strain about her not having
always been "redooced to let lodgings. She has been used in old
times to have every comfort about her," though this seems no adequate
reason why, when in reduced circumstances, she should rush to the
opposite extreme and labour to have every discomfort about her.
Her bygone prosperity is made an excuse for everything. If the
lodger complains that his scuttle is hardly as full of coals as it might
be for the money he pays, she meets and discomfits his remarks by
alluding to her having seen better days. She is generally a widow,
and mostly small, or if tall, very thin. Her voice is low, her presence
depressing. It may be safely argued in nine cases out of ten that she
is infinitely better off now than she ever was in the past to which she
affectingly alludes. Her husband most probably ill-used her, for
which we may be allowed to drop a grateful tear upon his grave.
The landlady who "never touches nothing" is a more active and
perhaps more costly calamity than the flabby
fatality just recorded. She has a spirit of
her own, and helps herself to that of her
lodgers. A bottle of gin left uncorked in a
cupboard in her house will be de-juniperised
by some occult atmospheric influence in an
incredibly short time. Cases have even been
known in which small change, exposed to
the direct operation of the light, on the /'
mantlepiece for example, has evaporated in t
a few hours. When pressed by her lodger '
to take a glass of something, she warily
declines-"she never touches nothink-
except medicinally"; and she says it with-
out a blush, the pink tinge about her nose -
being a chronic colour. k
Better perhaps, however is the landlady
who "takes nothing," in otherwords takes
Brandy, wino, in short, whatever she can
___l Jay hands on, than the landlady "who
S takes-a motherly interest in you."
Beware of her unless you boast of robust
7: health and an iron constitution. Woe
betide you if you fall sick or ail ever so
slightly. Your illness is her opportunity.
I From it she derives a double profit-
first, the pleasure which certain feminine
minds have in physicking and nauseating
an invalid, and, second, the extra charge
I for "delicacies," by which she means
Sbeef-tea made by dipping a morsel of mineat
in a pail of water, and then boiling the
S liquid thus prepared, and stirring it with
a tallow candle. Gruel, too, she makes-
stuff with which no respectable poster would allow itself to be fixed to
a hoarding. Finally, if she can put a blister on you, she will-and,
as the frog in the fable said to the pelting boys, "It may be bliss to
her, but it's blister to you !"
What the motherly landlady does by simulated affection the land-
lady who comes next under notice effects by a pretence of ignorance.
"She never could master accounts," this
plausible creature assures you; but a little
experience will teach you the value of her
affected innocence of COCKnR. She never
makes mistakes in your favour! Imposture
is written on her face. Her smile is a decep-
tion. Of course, a careful scrutiny of her
accounts will prevent your being robbed by -
the errors of addition. But it is difficult to
keep a check on her subtraction, and her '-
multiplication is quite beyond your control; ,
for how can you prevent her taking six sticks
out of every bundle of your firewood, or
charging you six times as many scuttles of coals as you have really
burnt during the week ?
"The genteel landlady" is an overbearing
despot. Her curlsare the ringlets of respect-
ability. Her caps are showy with ribbons
and flowers. A broad brooch, something like
c NoRVAL's buckler, confines the elegant folds
2 of her shawl. In her house you may be
robbed right and left-probably must be, for
such shawls, brooches, and caps cost money-
bu t you must be a courageous man if you
venture to complain! To be fleeced is no-
thing to compare with the privilege of lodg-
ing with Gentility.
The landlady, afflicted with curiosity, is a perpetual irritation. You
are always catching her listening, and are compelled to pretend you do
not observe it. She reads your letters if
you leave them within her reach, and it is
difficult to define the limits of that reach.
She overhears all you and your friends I
talk about. Worse than all, she has a
perpetual cold in her head, caught by
constant application to draughty key-
holes; and is always startling you with
unexpected sneezes, outside the door. To
nervous people she is a standing voexa-
tion, for she haunts them unseen, a ghost
constantly in attendance, an invisible
The landlady, with a temper whose speaking likeness adorns the initial
letter, is a standing terror, too. But hush! I hear her outside.
[ArmIL 25, 1868.
SHE tempestuous reception of Oliver
Twist, and the almost unanimous
opinion of the London press must
long ago have convinced Ma. TOOL1e
that the piece is a sad mistake. No
good can be done for it by covering
the walls of the metropolis with
extracts from one of Moe. CHARLES
S DCKNxs's laterprefaces to this ghastly
tale. The novel claims to have con-
/ ferred (and probably did confer) a
-'/ benefit upon Society, by calling public
attention to sundry blots on our
civilization. The police reports in
daily and weekly papers are supposed,
we presume, to exercise the same
healthy influence. But a crime
described with pen-and-ink and a
crime represented by dramatic
action differ widely as to the effect
they create. It is revolting enough
to read the account of Nancy's
murder; to see it accomplished, amidst the stage accessories of tremolando
music, lowered floats, and the eternal lime-light, is rather too much for the
nerves even of a hardened critic. We cannot admit that Ma. OXENFORD is to
blame for any part of this failure at the Queen's; he has been particularly
careful in toning down the horror of the narrative. We must suppose that
the stage-manager is responsible for the pantomime extravagance of the front
scenes; and we fear that MaR. TooLE must account for the displeasure expressed at
the tediousness of the scene at the police-court. The Dodger's whistle, characteristic
and comic as it may be, was on the first :night repeated ad nauseam. In all other
respects MR. TOOLB's performance was an artistic representation of a very repulsive
object. Mu. IRVING played Bill Sikes cleverly, but with a too melodramatic
tendency to "take the stage." Of MR. RrYDE, as Fagin, we can say nothing that
would please that usually conscientious performer. Miss NELLY MOORE played
Nancy with earnestness and great feeling; but she must allow us to condole with
her sincerely upon her natural disqualifications for such a charming and refined
character. We have omitted the name of Mu. LIONEL BIouoHi ;-if MR. LIONEL
BtouGci had played a part worthy of his reputation, the omission would have been
impossible. The scenery of Oliver Twist is not extraordinary, but the scenic
artist was called upon to return thanks for applause.
Another burlesque by MR. WILLTAM BROUGH has been produced at the Strand.
It is very smartly written, but yields a little too much to the taste of the gallery as
far as regards music. Miss LYnIA THoMPsoN-as young, as pretty, as lively as
ever-will be a gcld mine to the management. Miss AnY SHERIDAN'S graceful
figure also deserves a welcome. Of MESSRS. JAMES, THORNE, and FENTON it will be
enough to say that they are like themselves. Ma. F. ROBSON makes the most of a
small part. The burlesque is nicely put on the stage, and the fight with boxing-
gloves between MESSRS. JAMBES and FENTON (which is borrowed, by the way, from
one of the PAYNES of Covent Garden,) brings down the house.
Ma. BURNAND's Hit and Miss at the Olympic is well worth going to hear. The
music is charming; and, if the author of the burlesque sometimes sacrifices rhyme
to animal spirits, we will hold him blameless as long as HERVk's tunes are ringing
in our ear. The piece is funnily played. MR. J. CLARKE turns a comic military part
to the best possible account, and MR. J. G. TAYLOR" showed himself an artist
by playing an elderly female without an atom of vulgarity. Ma. SOUTAR has
very little to do, but does it carefully and well. Miss LouisA MooRE looks charming,
and sings with tact and taste in a particularly unpleasant situation; and Miss
LENNOX GREY exhibits, both in her singing and acting, the true French spirit and
chic. This lady has not only surprised, but really delighted us by her Maid Marian.
MIES FURTADO has little to do, and must really study
the art of repose. A small part is not made greater
(except in point of time,) by the act of dancing. The
voice of Miss FURTADO is of great service to the bur-
lesque; we must entreat her to be less mercurial in her
Terpsichorean accompaniments. The scenery of this
trifle is admirable, and the dresses are charming.
The Japanese, troupe at the Lyceum is well worth
seeing. We regret the death of the top-spinner, who
(according to the Bra) was "originally a very robust,
healthy man, apparently about forty years of age."
The adverb originally suggests queer speculations re-
garding the top-spinner's birth. Many of the feats
performed by these Japanese are thrilling, and the
remainder are nationally characteristic.
THE TIGHT BOOTS.
MY boots are tight; the hour is late;
My faltering footsteps deviate;
And through the stillness of the night
A wail is heard-" My boots are tight !"
0 weary hour! 0 wretched woe!
It's only half-past three, or so.
We've not had much; 1 feal all right,
Except my boots; they're vsRx tight.
Old friend! I love you more and more,
Though we have met but once before.
Since then I've had a deal of sorrow;
You'll come and dine with me to-morrow ?
What's this ? A tear ? I do not think
They gave us half enough to drink.
The moon up there looks precious queer.
She's winking. Ha another tear I
I'm not a man who courts a row,
But you insulted me, just now.
By JovE, my friend, tor what you said,
i've halt a mind to punch your head.
You won't forget to-morrow, eh?
I'm sure to be at home all day.
Policeman, have you got a light ?
Thanks. Yes, they are, as 3 on say, tight.
The man I like's the sort of man
A man can trust, you un'erstan'.
1 call that man a man, you know;
lie is a man. Precisely so.
If any man addresses me,
No matter who that man may be;
I always say, twixtt man and man,
This man's a man. You un'erstan' ?
The houses have a quivering look ;
That corner one distinctly snook.
I've got another fellow's hat;
VWell, never mind! All's one for that.
The gas goes leaping up and down.
We can't be light for Camden Town.
This road went east the other day ;
I think south-west's a shorter way.
There used to be a place near here
Where one could get a glass of beer.
I wish we had some bottLd BAss-
What is the matter with the gas ?
There's hardly wind enough to blow
The reedy lamp-posts to and fro.
And yet you see how each one leans;
I wonder what the deuce it means.
My pipe's gone out; the air is chill,
Is this Mile End or Maida Hill ?
Remember-six o'clock we dine;
Bring several friends-say eight or nine.
The tavern bar was warm and bright,
And cheerful with a ruddy light.
Let's go back there and stop all night;
I can't walk home; my boots are tight.
APRIL 25 1868.]
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
HERE seems to be some difficulty in inducing
SIa RICHARD MAINE to retire, for though his
withdrawal has been reported as imminent
over and over again, it has not yet won the
name of action. But if the account written the
other day by the Times correspondent, of the
.reception given by the Satrap of Scotland-
yard to two foreigners be a true account, there
is no need to wait for SIn RICHARD'S resig-
nation. He should be at once removed; and I trust some independent
M.P. will not allow the matter to pass unquestioned. It appears that a
M. ESPELETA came over to London to try and capture a dishonest
intendant. He waited on SIR RICHARD MAYNE, who, on hearing the
case, stated that he could not act without a magistrate's order. The
foreigner, accustomed to summary action on the part of the police,
looked surprised. SIR RicHARD explained:-
I know what you are thinking of-that the English law is pitiable. There is
no help for it; it is the law, and I am bound to respect it, even in its errors, more
than any one else. Go and see the solicitor whose address I give you. lie will
accompany you to the magistrate, to whom I give you a recommendation. The
magistrate will see what c in be done ; what he will do iill be well done. As for
me, I am only tae arm of justice; but it is at your disposal."
Was there ever such pompous twaddle, or language so derogatory of
the law used by one of its subordinates ? SIR RicHAsn admitted that
"the English law is pitiable, and there's no help for it"-because he
is not allowed to drag a man to prison on an ex parts statement. It
was his duty to inform the stranger that the English law is careful of
the liberty of the subject, and will not leave room for the possible
arrest and disgrace of an innocent person, because, in some instances,
it would be an advantage if the police could seize a guilty one without
a magistrate's order. Sia RICHARD seems fond of figurative language-
he calls himself "the arm of justice "-he should be taught that the
arm of justice ought not to raise the thumb of scorn to the nose of
derision, when the majesty of the English law is concerned. How-
ever, to proceed. The Frenchman took SIR RICHeARDn'S advice and
lawyer, and went before a magistrate, but only to learn that the Ex-
tradition Treaty would not assist him. He returned to SIR RICHARD
greatly disappointed, and asked whether-
If he met his late employs in the street, and if he laughed in lis face, he might
not at least give him a caning. Sir Richard smiled and said, Well, if you do, you
will have to go to prison for an assault committed in England; and I, the Prefect of
Police, have not the power of liberating you I The law is stronger than I aml '"
If, as his language would seem to imply, SIR RICHARD would have any
inclination to liberate a person who "takes the law inteo his own
hands it is quite as well that Scotland Yard is denied the prerogative
of mercy-quite as well that the law is stronger than its head-police-
man-or Prefect of Police," as Sin RICHARD styles himself. The
French have never been famous for their comprehension of our institu-
tions, but to hold SIR RICHARD MAYNE the most important person in
England is worse than their old blunder about the importance of the
LORD MAYOR. As for SIR RICHAVD, the sooner he retires or is rttirrd,
as his French admirers would say, the better, for if he is "the a-rm of
justice he is not the head of common sense.
Good Words (to be congratulated on better printing) is :a capitall
number this month. It contains two fine pictures, MR. PINWELL'S
"In a Paris Pawnshop," and MR. FRANCIS WALKER'S large cut to
"Hero Harold," which is a vigorous and masterly piece of drawing,
that will set judges of art on the look-out for the new artist's work.
MATTHEW BaROWN continues the Working Man's Courtship ad-
mirably-but he is cutting it too short, after his provoking manner.
His writing is to the ordinary magazine article as Chartreuve Jaune is
to fourpenny ale; but he might give us his liqueur in wine-glasses
instead of thimbles. The Sunday Mamqazine also is quite up to the
mark this month, with Ma. GORDON THOMSON's graceful illustrations
to "The Seaboard Parish," and a fine picture by MR. Hou rHTON of
GEORGE HERBERT'S last moments. In Broadway, the chief attraction
is an outspoken article on "Theatrical Management," by MA. HOL-
LINGSHEAD, but the other contents are interesting enough. I should
hardly have guessed the frontispiece was MR. PASQUIER'S, for it has
had all the colour and vigour for which his pencil is remarkable cut
out of it. Routledge's Magazine for Boys till holds its own as the best
of the boys' magazines. Le Follet and the Gardener's Magazine, give
the latest news about the new fashions and the fresh flowers, about
the gardens of beauty and the beauty of gardens. I have also received
a very useful and handy book The London Banks, Credit, Discount, and
Finance Companies, a work which must be invaluable to capitalists
and investors. The Popular Educator is full of useful information,
well condensed. I doubt, however, whether some of the subjects it
treats can be practically taught in this form-for instance Drawing,
though of course Perspective and some of the more theoretical parts of
the art may be well enough explained in black and white.
I suppose our first mother invented the first needle-an acacia
thorn probably-icthyophagy was as unknown then as hippophagy, and
therefore the earliest stitch was not herring-bone. But little has been
done to improve the article since, until recently when some one dis-
covered an improved needle, patented by MESSRS. HAIBns, CROSSaLEY,
AND Co., which witl be a "real blessing to bachelors "-to say nothing
of the ordinary female "sewing-machine." Bachelors who have
had to sew on their own buttons will remember that their needles
and threads never fit, and that a hammer or the corner of the drawers
is needed to haul the eye and its hitch of cotton through the stubborn
material. With the new invention Coelebs will escape this labour, for
the implement is a sort of miniature shuttle, that is, it thickens
towards the middle and fines off towards the eye This form will
lighten his toil and will give to the experienced neel womana, even, an
increased rapidity of action. And moreover the no, lles are made up
in such pretty packets that they might pass for sticking-plaistorcases
on the masculine dressing-tablo.
I MAY note, for those who are glad to acknowledge how much the
comfort of an audience depends on good management in front of the
house, that MR. SMALE, the treasurer of the Princess's, takes his
benefit on Monday, the 27th. Apsropos of theatrical matters, I may
venture to express a hope that when the Grand Duchess, her Graeo
MRS. HOWARD PAUL, has finished her provincial tour, arranroments
will be made for performances of the OI'YFFENACHEAN operetta in
London, that those who have not seen SCINEIDERat may see the next
best thing, Mns. PAUL'S Duchess.
I went to the Crystal Palace on Easter Monday to see how the
holiday folk enjoyed themselves, and I was much pleased both with
the admirable manner in which they conducted themselves and with
the capital entertainment prepared for them. One could not help
feeling that Government ought to give a handsome grant to an insti-
tution which is a national benefit as well as a national glory. There
is only one thing that could justify Parliament in refusing a grant (if
any member would have the good sense and good taste to propose it),
and that is the system-one, too, of recent growth-of extra payments
-the twopence more and up goes the blue horse" business.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-No. 59.
THE sunburst .for Erin is Royalty's smile,
Her sons and her daughters to cheer.
Said they, Eaith, he's coming' to stop a short while-
Why wouldn't he settle down hero ?"
-And the Prince will return with a smile on his lip,
And for ever with pleasitre remember the trip.
1I.-A town in Koursk, from Moscow sund'rod
By long miles, about three hundred.
2.-Prom the cut of his clothes,
From the hook of his nose,
From the ieolour and size
Of his gim'let-like eyes,
-And the length of his beard, he is this, I suppose.
3.-If songs and glees your f:incy please,
Baked 'taturs, too, and stout;
At Paddy Green's you'll find the means
Of pleasing it, no doubt.
4.-She sat on a height overlooking the river-
So lofty the thought would make nervous onesquiver.
But to list to her singing would cost one more doar
Than a stall at the Opera all through the year.
5.-The clerk he wrote it down
On papers spread before him;
He read it to the clown,
And then, I think, they swore him.
6.-It's odd-yet lucky, too !
Yet fails to please, 'tis true,
In one case-yes, but that's
As touching tails of cats.
7.-He was famed long ago, was this classical swell,
For reversing the spread at the Langham Hotel;
For of course since thecattle he had were androphngous,
It quite turns the tables on people hippophagous.
SOLUTION 'OF ACROSTIC No. 57.-April Rains, Aster, l'lea, RPni,
CORRECT SOLUTIONS or AOROSTIC No. 57, uEoEIVEx 15th Arni. :-Will; Nol ody.
FIDDLES MADE IN THE INTERVALS OF BUSINESS.
Why is Herne Bay like a burglar's swag ?-Because it isn't hisn'n.
(Don't you see? It's Herne ; consequently not llis'n.)
HERE on my back on the bank I lie,
With a pipe in my mouth, and watch the sky;
And well do I know, beyond a joke,
That nature, like me, delights to smoke.
The little zephyrs down here in the grass
Puff at the weeds as they swiftly pass;
While the breeze of the ether is not too proud-
Though almost too lazy-to blow a cloud.
Every bird has a pipe of its own,
And each has its bird's-eye" views, 'tis known.
The trees rejoice in a stem and bole,
For the King of the Forest's like old King Cole ;
And the hedges as well the practice suits,
For they all of them boast their brier-roots.
Smoking, in short, is loved by all
The works of nature both great and small-
[APRIL 25, 1868.
Down to the very small grub, to be brief,-
You'll find he is given to rolling a leaf.
So why shouldn't I-
As here I lie
On my back on the bank-all those defy
Who fain would the pleasant plant decry?
Fishing with a Hair Line.
THE Paris Correspondent of a daily contemporary states that the
last French novelty is the manufacture of false curls from bark.
Wearers of such follow-me-lads may perhaps hope to catch the
unwary with this new line, but we trust that the bark will seldom lead
to a bite.
WHY should the winning crew in the late boat-race have" been
received with musical honours ?-Because they had a -capital catch
at the beginning of the stroke and finished with an evident glee.
HEAVY MARCHING ORDER.
A Notable Example of Kidding."
ONE of the luminaries of the music halls is, it seems, singing some
so-styl d comic song, in which he is called upcn to assume the
character of a gentleman at the University. We do not know how
far he succeeds in realising the character, but to judge from the
picture-posters in which he figures, we are inclined to doubt the
accuracy of the delineation. Will it be believed that he dresses his
University man in cap and gown-and gloves!
A mILL has passed the Iowa senate allowing any person," i.e.
female, of twenty-one to practise as a lawyer in the courts of the state.
We wonder whether it has occurred to the local Legislature to insert a
clause to limit the time during which the hen-advocate will be permitted
to talk. If not we fear they will find themselves considerably out in
What was the first thing made at the Mint F-A start.
So does Mr. Johnston I!
HERE is a bit of surprising news:-
The Irish Government have ordered the rules of Downpatrick gaol to be relaxed
in favour of Mr. Johnston, who is now undergoing the second month of his
imprisonment, imposed for his refractoriness in declining to obtain securities for his
future conduct. He is permitted to see his friends in a eepaate apartment, is
allowed books and newspapers, and has a light in his cell until a late hour at night.
Fresh deputations from Orange lodges have presented addresses to Mrs. Johnston,
and his friends expect him to be made a sort of hero on his release.
This person is in prison of his own free will-he is too refractory"
to offer security for his future good conduct, and yet instead of being
treated as refractory prisoners usually are he is made a pet of! This
contrasts well with the case of the poor poacher who was condemned
to extra imprisonment not because he would not, but because he could
not give security!
NOTHING LIKE LEATHER.
What leggings should be made of.-Alli-gator's skins.
]p' U ]N .-APRIL 25, 1868.
ALL TOO SHORT.
" 0 LADIES! BEWARE OF A GAY YOUNG KNIGHT,
WHO LOVES, AND HE RIDES AWAY."-Old Song.
PETER THE WAG.
IDOLICEMAN PETER FORTH
S I drag
J From his obscure retreat:
He was a merry, genial wag,
Who loved a mad conceit.
If he were asked the time of
LBy country bumpkins green,
He not unfrequently would say
A quarter past thirteen."
0 If ever you, by word of mouth,
0 fEnquired of MISTER FORTH
0 ^The way to somewhere in the
He always sent you North.
With little boys his beat along
He loved to stop and play;
He loved to send old ladies
p_ 1 wrong,
And teach their feet to stray.
He would in frolic moments, when
Such mischief bent upon,
Take Bishops up as betting men-
Bid Ministers move on.
Then all the little boys he knew
He regularly licked,
And always collared people who
Had had their pockets picked.
He was not naturally bad,
Or viciously inclined,
But from his early youth he had
A waggish turn of mind.
The Men of London grimly scowled
With indignation wild:
The Men of London gruffly growled,
But PETER calmly smiled.
Against the minion of the Crown
The swelling murmurs grew-
From Camberwell to Kentish Town-
From Rotherhithe to Kew.
Still humoured he his wagsome turn,
And fed in various ways
The coward "rage that dared to burn,
But did not dare to blaze.
Still, Retribution has her day
Although her flight is slow,
One day that Crusher lost his way
Near Portland Street, Soho.
The haughty boy, too proud to ask,
To find his way resolved,
And in the tangle of his task
Got more and more involved.
The Men of London, overjoyed,
Came there to jeer their foe-
And flocking crowds completely closed
The mazes of Soho.
The news, on telegraphic wires,
Sped swiftly o'er the lea,
Excursion trains from distant shires
Brought myriads to see.
APRIL 25, 1868.]
The Russ would say with gleaming eye
Sevastopol! and groan.
The Greek said "lTB7rrw, TUTTropAU,
TUrTw, TTrTew, TTrerWv."
To wander thus for many a year
That Crusher never ceased-
The Men of London dropped a tear,
Their anger was appeased.
At length exploring gangs were sent
To find poor FOR it's remains--
A handsome grant by Parliament
Was voted for their pains.
To seek the poor policeman out
Bold spirits volunteered,
And when they swore they'd solve the doubt,
The Men of London cheered.
And in a yard, dark, dank, and drear,
They found him, on the floor-
It leads from Richmond-Buildings-near
The Royalty Stage-door.
With brandy cold and brandy hot,
They plied him starved and wet,
And made him sergeant on the spot--
The Men of London's pet.
THE war in Japan is over, from which fact it may be concluded
the chiefs are not to be considered never-say-daimios.
For weeks he trod his self-made beats
Through Newport- Gerrard- Bear-
Greek- Rupert- Frith- Dean- Portland-streets
And into Golden-square.
But all, alas, in vain, for when
He tried to learn the way
Of little boys, or grown-up men
They none of them would say!
Their eyes would flash-their teeth would grind-
Their lips would tightly curl-
They'd say, "Thy way thyself must find,
Thou misdirecting churl! "
And, similarly, also, when
He tried a foreign friend;
Italians answered, II balen"-
The French "No comprehend."
[APrIL 25, 1868.
RANK AND FASHION.
From Ephraim Dodge, in London, to Eben Stash, etew York.
DEAR En.:-This is a subject that comes sort of natural when one is
located at a hotel in Covent Garden, about as pesky an old frowsy
dried-up anatomy of a corner of the universal earth as can be found
even in Great Britain, where most things seem to want a sight of
sweeping to keep off the everlasting smoke and cobwebs that belongs
to the old institutes of what I have heard some of our people call the
mother country. As to mothers I can't at present say much as they
don't fix nohow with hotel life here, and only travellers like ourselves
put up at the big ones-which, in consequence of ourbeing distinguished
foreigners, raise their tariff to a figure that riles me daily when footed
up on the bill, and must eventually drive us into private life in the
shape of what the Britishers call Apartments Furnished-meaning a
couple of bed-closets about the size of a Down-East linen-press and a
parlour full of such dislocated fixin's as wouldn't fetch fifty cents by
auction sale in New York; and not a go-back chair nor a place to
expectorate to be seen around. If we have not seen much of the mothers
of this rancid old island, we have seen, I guess, a considerable sight o'
the daughters in our daily promenade up and down there and back
again. The main central avenue of Covent Garden itself, which is now
a sort of drawn-out fruit and vegetable store, kept exclusive to the
aristocracy of this ludicrous old town in honour of its having once been
Church property, where the lazy old loafin' female monks used to go
chaunting about amongst the blackberry-bushes or to cut their
pumkins for the refectory pies when it wasn't bean and bacon days in
the Church. Everything here is swallered up by the church as JONAH
was took in by the shirk: and this is a reflection that brings me back
to the daughters, though I must say that there is the remains of beauty
to be found here in this perishing old anachronism of a West End
church, I'm bound to record that MRS. E. DODGE repudiates. She
repudiates, but she also encloses for MRs. En. her own notions, which
perhaps may help you to calculate the divergence in the feminine nature.
if you were here, EnB., I could show you scenes that would makeyou laugh
some, and one of them would be the people walking as solemncolly as a
set of serious gals at Vermont on a thanksgiving-day up and down a
darned old patched-up dingy sorter kind of commercial green'us, as
dark as a Bowery beer saloon and not much bigger, and doing it, too,
as a serious duty to give them a relish for their meals which I must
say are solid eating: solid and slow so as a'most to put me out if it
wasn't for the entrees that fill up the time, and especially prawns, that
yield considerable amusement when you ain't too everlastin' hungry
to stay to skin 'em. You'll laugh considerable, Es., when I tell you on
my mental veracity that up and down, to and fro, with their chariots
and cabs and broughams waiting outside and the fat-legged, white-
legged, lazy old serfs of coachmen asleep upon the box-walks the
rank and fashion of this opiniated old pig-nosed community. At fust
I was like to lower the character of the land that owns both of us by
bustin' outright into a laugh that would ha' reverberated some in that
dingy old cave, but I held in, and stuffed my mouth with some kinder
peach that I got hold on off a stall for which I memorandum that I was
called upon to pay half a dollar-such is the unscrupulous manner in
which commercial morality is disregarded in these old worn-out trading
I shall be better able to total up the week's expenses when we've
been here a day or two longer, and also to expose the social aspects of
this people, for MRS. E. DODGE and self have received an invite to a
first-class assembly in a square not more than a street or two off, but
whore we must go in a hired vehicle with a liveried person to drive.
Rank and Fashion again, of which more by next, from
Yours till then,
EPHr AIM P. DODGE.
P.S.-MRas. E. DODno and self called one morning at Marlborough
House, the residence of the PaxNCE or WALES, to make kind inquiries.
ALBERT EDWARD was from home, and the menials looked sarcy, but we
loft the cards that we had with us, and I consider myself saree-
The fashions here mostly come out at a place that the instinct
of the corrupt old institute, known as Great Britain, denominates
Rotten Row. Mus. DODGE have been all there in the giddy whirl of
this obsolete old society, and the human bigger there is decked out
considerable in what the High Church party here (did I guess right
that the Church is still dominant and on its hind legs?) call the girl
of the medieval period, alamode Ritualistic. MRS. D., she forwards
herewith the latest particulars copied from the topmost of the British
dressmaker's books for next week. They publish in advance.
ArIL 25, 1868.]
THE LAY OF A LOW-CROWNED HAT,
WHEN first I saw SIR HARRY, on a croquet ground at play.
He was dressed s) well,
(Not the least a swell,)
You could scarcely tell what way;
But I know that his clothes were easy,
Well-fitting, and all that;
And to save his head from the breeze, he
Did not wear a low-crowned hat:
It was pleasant to think of that-
For of all the abortions
Of Fashion's contortions
There's nought like a low-crowned hat!
Mammas smiled on SIR HARRY, and daughters sought
For he'd youth and health,
Gooddlooks and wealth,
And but lacked a lovely bride.
In field he was foremost, or nearly,
In ball-room he.seldom sat;
And in 0out-of-door sports, loved dearly,
He. might wear a wide-awake hat-.,
There's no objection to that-
Bat.of chimney-pot lia 4
The ingenuous mind
Must shrink from a low-crowned bhat !
Whe.s.last,I saw SIR HARRY, 'twas on a Derby Day
He was-dressed like a cad,
Had gone to the bad,
Defaulted, andicould not pay.
In trousers of sporting tightness,
With Welchers in friendly chat,
He. talked with a sporting lightness,
And he, carried a low-crowned hat!
It was owing of course to that-
Or fortune or station,
Can stand againstt a low-crowned hat!
WE are glad to see that the managers of the Surrey Theatre have
given notice that cracking nuts during the performance is strictly
prohibited." The custom of throwing ginger beer-bottles and quart
pots over the gallery railings has too long been permitted to flourish
at Trans-Thamesian playhouses to the damage of the skulls of "Poor
Humanity." This is a step in the right direction; but it is absurd to
limit the prohibition to the time of actual performance. Why are
the nuts of unoffending persons in pit and stalls to be cracked between
the acts ?
MR. TOTTENHAM is reported to have borne his late success at Mort-
lake with remarkable self-possession. It would not have been sur-
prising had his repeated victories caused his:cheeks to have been
"rudderer than the cherry."
THE evening papers of the 4th inst. professed, without exception, to
make the public acquainted with the result of the Oxford and Cam-
bridge boat-race. When we reflect on the killing glances of the fair
sex darted around in every direction, he must be a bold prophet indeed
who would venture to foretel one-fiftieth part of the results of that
Head and Shoulders.
THE Queen of Saxony disapproves of the latest fashion in chevelure,
and will not admit ladiesto Court, who do not dress their hair decently.
Well, we must say ,we prefer a neat coiffure to the fuzzy unkempt
locks which would seem to prove that not only nightcaps but brushes
and combs are going out of fashion. But her Majesty of Saxony
might extend the edict with advantage. She should not stop short at
the heads-in many cases it is not only the hair of ladies who go to
Court that requires to be dressed decently.
Lines on the Thames'Embankment.
THE District Railway, while it action shirks,
Vows it is waiting for the Board of Works ;
The Board of Works progressing in a snail-way
Vows it is waiting for the District Railway!
Gulls and Bulls.
WE beg to call the attention of Mn. FRANK BucKL.AND to some
strange peculiarities in the formation of the Irish sea-gull. IHe hasno
doubt read the report of the prosecution of two men at the Limerick
Petty Sessions for catching eel-fry contrary to the statute. Their
defence, as set forth by one of them, was that they were very hungry,
and seeing the sea-gulls were supping off the eel-fry in the Shannon,
thought it no sin to follow the example of the birds. They were fined,
but allowed time to pay the money, whereupon the newspaper report,
lying before us, says the two-legged sea.gull.and his companion left
the court." The English sea-gull is two-legged, but we presume fiom
this that the possession of two legs is uncommon in the Irish gull:-
can it be possible that there is a quadrupedal gull produced by a cross
with the Irish bull ?
A Happy Pair.
THERE is a rumour afloat-we suppose itimusti have floated, across
the Straits of Dover-thatMDLLE. Ni ssoN is about to marry GUSTAV E
Doni. There can be no possible objection to the match on the
ground of dissimilarity of, tastes, and pursuits-they both draw
DEEDS ND WORDS.
I'Es done a doughty deed to-day
*Which pleases,not my lady,
Who, sobs-ungratefal little fay-
My conduct's mighty, shady.
She says, when sheis. leftialone
Ai..-that's,.the very time, I swear,
I do my deeds of daing g!
'Twas.only, yesterday, I rush'd
From Chelsea to-the City,
I merely. swoerawhen people pushed
And tore.past'papers witty.
Some people. stood and others gawked.
And some ran.through, poll mell, it,
Unnerved through Temple Bar I walked,
And I'm alive to tell it.
[ We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; but we do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.]
PUNSAUIB doesn't make much of a job of puns.
VEaRTAS.-It does not lie in a "well to describe how you have done.
OUTSIDER (Bedford).-Outside-o'-Beds must be cold quarters this
weather, but we cannot take you in.
TIMOTHY TIGHT-MAN.-Your Pegasus is most appropriately a screw.
W. J. H. sends us some jokes which he says are original-at any rate
he never saw them in print." That proves little-except that he can't read
E. J. BEow~.-It is more than probable.
E. H.--We have ventured to alter the note at the end of your MS.,
The Portrait Gallery of British Worthies," into To be discontinued."
SUTOR (Ayr) hardly suits us.
G. L. (Fife.)-We would gladly send you the money value" of your
sketch, if there were any coin sufficiently small to represent it.
R. C. 0. (Hong-Kong.)-Notin our line.
THE author of Macleco, the Malefactor," was quite right to conceal his
name-it was a proper consideration for the feelings of his family; but he
should have given us a nom de plume in order to learn that his MS. con-
tained "words that burn "-let him ask the housemaid!
K. (Liverpool.)-We do.
A.B. (Brighton) must really draw the cartoon he suggests for himself. We
know of no artist who can draw "a benevolent gentleman coming along,
stooping, with head bent forward, and uttering a pushing sound!"
A PRINTER'S DEVIL.-It would be against our rules to do so.
A. K.-We regret we cannot assist you to a solution.
DETECTIVE.-The joke is not your own. Perhaps you'd like to catch us
receiving stolen property P
J. S. (Liverpool.)-Thebook sent saved us the trouble of going to Holborn.
P. B. G. (Birkenhead) should have sent stamps with his bulky MS., if
he wished its return.
Declined with thanks:-Teddie; A. McS., Leadenball-street; J. N.,
Highgate; S. R. V.; T. B., Dudley; Happy T.; J. P Leeds; Toby;
W. P. W.; W. D., Manchester; "Long Acre "; Sandy; W. G. G., Cheap-
side; Fides; Acron; W.; J. 0., Camden-town; S. 0. B.; W. S., Wil-
lenhall; E. H.; Hannibal; M. A., Edinburgh; S. W. C., Hulme;
Eggrol; E. A. K.; J. A. D., Castle Hedingham; Scio; Xylo; J. P. Y.,
Holloway; C. H. H.; F. H., Stockpool; B. C., Elgin; Centaur.
78 F T N [I.PRIL 25, 1868.
A HIT FOR THE FANCY.
Severe Old Party (to lanky Swell) :-" GOING TO A Sal masque, EH ? WELL, CHALK YOUR HEAD AND GO AS A BILLIARD CUE !"
Irritated Swell:-" You MIGHT GO DISGUISED AS A GENTLEMAN :-NO ONE WOULD KNOW YOU !"
PEEPS INTO PAMPHLETS. twaddle talked by these silly people who ascribe all the ills and sins of
BEFORE lighting our pipe with the last page of the number of the life to tobacco. If they are to be believed, the only thing needed to
Anti-Tobacco Journal, appropriately dated April 1st, we will just give bring about the Millenium is the suppression of tobacco-smoke!
our readers a specimen of what anti-tobaccoites, who of course should In a pamphlet, entitled Our Government Schools; What They Tave
have unclouded brains, are pleased to consider argument. A speaker -Done With Art, MAI. No WILKINS gives a scathing review of the move-
at a meeting at Exeter Hall informed the audience that- ment which has culminated in "The South Kensington Cole-osseum."
The Turks became a nation of smokers and a nation of Fatalists. MR. WILKINS'S style is quaint, not to say crabbed, and the blunders of
a provincial printing office mar its effect somewhat, but there is no
By this the lucid orator meant to say that the habit of smoking made mistake about his meaning, and a terrible amount of truth in the
the Turks Fatalists, but as Fatalism is a portion of the creed of charges he brings.
MAHOMET, and ahometalnism is older than smoking, the value of the Schools of Design not equal to a triumphal arch, a street drinking fountain,
argument is nil! This is the way in which people with a hobby will or even a monument of their own alleged founder!"
sacrifice everything, truth and common sense included, to that hobby. These are hard words but true, and there is much criticism worthy of
Smoking when practised to excess is no doubt injurious, but a man note and to be remembered in the four-and-twenty pages in which
may kill himself by excess in drinking water, yet if that were adduced MR. WILKINS enumerates and analyses the failures and blunders of the
as a reason for locking up all the pumps, the Anti-Tobacco Society Science and Art Department. We heartily commend the little
might fairly object to such a measure. Another speaker said he knew pamphlet to all lovers of true art, who deplore its present condition in
a medical gentleman who could confirm all he said about smoking England, and would fain see how it can be improved. To say that
arresting growth; he had had 1,800 militiamen under his inspection ME. WILKINS has a private grievance, and writes under its influence
whose average height did not exceed five feet two inches !" That, of is but to say that he feels what every real artist feels-and what a good
course, is conclusive-quite as conclusive as the evidence to the con- many writers feel and have expressed over and over again.
trary of the surgeon of the 1st Life Guards, who, having under his
inspection a number of men over six feet in height, might assert that
smoking promoted growth. But we will waste no more space over the How the holiday folks found the wind last week.-Easter-ly.
OSWEGO PREPARED CORN,
For Puddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
No similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and published (frr the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : April 25, 1868.
MAY 2, 1868.1 F J N. 79
MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF JAPAN.
BY OUx YOUTHFUL ESSAYIST AGED TEN.
N T'S always the way with ArNT SARAH that when a feller's home '
for the Easter holidays she wants to go and improve his mind. I /
should like to know how she'd like her mind improved which its
quite capabel of. I haven't looked in the Dixinary for the word
capabel, and what's more I shan't. I know what I should just like to
do and that is to take AUNT SARAH, and our latin master, and the chap
that wrote the Delectus if he's alive as I hope he isn't, and drive 'em
down to the Cristal Pallace, and then when they thought they'd got
me safe in the Roman Court, put 'em into the balloon and cut the ropes
when there was nobody to let 'em down again. I should like to know
what I was taken to the British Museum for, when there was a Circus
in the very next street ? The Polytechnic I don't so much mind,
because though they're always after improving your mind there too,
they do it in a way that's like learning your lessons with conversation
cards. If they could only teach the Latin grammar by fireworks, I'd
say something to 'em. But what I'm to do is to write something ,
about the Japanese where I was sent along with JAMEs-that's AUNT
SARAH's gardener, to see the "habits and customs of this singular
people as she calls'em. I should call 'em a plural people but that's
nothing. Wasn't AUNT SARAH sold that's all It was tumbling and
tight-rope dancing and conjuring and all sorts of games instead of a
moving panorama or a lecture or anything of that. Aunt thought
it was something like the Orrery declared to be at the same Theatre or
at one close by, and my eye! the manners and customs of the Japanese
are just jolly. I mean to try some of 'em myself when I can save up
enough to buy a slack rope, two varnished teachests, fourteen butter 0
tubs and a ladder that all tumbles to pieces. The manners and
customs of the Japanese are singular (this is what I am going to write c
to Aunt), and the chiefs of that remarkable country spend the greater
part of the time on their backs, improving the minds of their offspring
by revolving them round their axis by means of kicking them up into
the air. The common people are mostly occupied in spinning tops or
in the production of gorgeously-painted umbrellas out of fireworks,
while the men of the family ascend to incredible heights by a single
hairline, and stand upon their heads on canes which are put to a more
barberous use in countries where the Delectus is supposed not to turn
people into wild, beastly iddyots. TheAunts of the Japanese youthamuse
their holiday times with performing on the slack ropes, and the manu-
facture of paper butterflies which they can make go anywhere they like t 9
with a fan. In that happy country museums are altogether unknown /,
and the Easter holidays are strictly observed on the banks of the river A
where all sorts of amusements are provided gratis, and double pocket- 7
[MAY 2, 1868.
It really is a pity, isn't it ? that the lady should have adopted that fashion in hair-and that
the butcher's horse can't adopt it !
THE neighbourhood of Belle-Isle in Isling-
ton may be considered the head-quarters of
horse-slaughtering. The inspector of knick-
knackeries appointed under the local Act
reports the number of animals killed or
cut-up in his district. He mentions 6,341
horses dead, and 3,649 alive, 225 cows,
dead, one buffalo, one mule, and 26 dead
donkeys. It has been declared that even
in the neighbourhood of Hampstead Heath
after Easter Monday a dead donkey cannot
be seen, but it is evident that the patient
creature has been as much Belle-isled-we
beg pardon, belied, as itf has been mal-
treated. Unlike his obstinate relative the
mule, of whom only one is reported as
yielding to fate, JACK is not such a fool as
" never to say die." In fact a dead donkey
is not such an a-knacker-onism as some
To be read Ore Rotundo.
AN Irish gamekeeper advertises in a
sporting contemporary that for the trifling
consideration of 2s. he will forward a sure
preventive from Gapes" ;-this is almost too
good to be true ; but if genuine it is a most
valuable discovery, and will doubtless be
duly appreciated by the play-going portion
of the public.
THE FRENCH EMPEROR has presented a
pair of magnificent fowling-pieces to the
celebrated baritone of the Opera. Of
course they are double-barrelled, or they
would hardly do for FAURE.
KING ARCHIBALD NASO.
RAY list to the story I'm
going to tell
Of a monarch's most
F whimsical organ of
For his fun and his frolic
he'd only to tweak
The end of his famous fan-
--And he split his old sides
-afor a week and a
Amused with his nose was
-O KING AwcIBaALD
Whenever a subject, I'll
venture to take
Any wager, miles off, was
S enjoying a steak,
hen ttHe would say to his cham-
berlain, Come I'll
If some villain ain't eating
his steak with shallot.
," I demand for that onion
his head at a blow,
'Twon't suit this olfactory
organ, you know!
They would have us believe
in Arabian tales,
That a mountainous mag-
net drew ships of their
But a fact, which is stronger, I certainly deem,
Occurred when KING ARCHI5BATD walked by a stream;
Then the frogs and the lizards their pitches and tosses,
Kept playing on ARCHIBALD's lengthy proboscis !
But the funniest freak which KING ARCHIBALD had
Was the wish to be everywhere known as a lad;
He had chronic lumbago, rheumatics and gout,
He was wheezy, uneasy, dyspeptic and stout.
And yet though he coughed twenty times on the stairs,
He would still keep assuming most juvenile airs!
For years upon years he still kept on this track,
Of port and brown sherry he still took his whack,
But one morning he found to his utter dismay
That his wicked old nose had turned suddenly gray !
Then his friends sneaked away-many friends have this way-so
He fondled alone his old nose did KING NABO.
THE Globe correspondent speaks of a French'ladylwho appeared at the
Grand Opera covered with jewels. She had just paid twenty-four
thousand pounds for a set of diamonds, yet had previously the reputa-
tion of possessing more precious stones than many a Princess. Her
husband is an ex-chef-d'orchestre He of course pays the piper-but
how someone must have paid the fiddler !
"E"-sy Does It.
A CAPTAIN of the French Navy, of the name of LE BRIs, is con-
structing at Brest a flying machine in the form of a bird. He is con-
fident of success and will put his invention to the test. Well, all we
hope is that he will not, when he commits himself to the wind, earn
the name of LE BRIsf.
Doing at Rome as Rome does.
A LEADER in the "leading journal" describing the entry of the
Prince of Wales into Dublin, states-
The most striking feature in the procession was, however avoid."
This is certainly an eminently Irish way of putting it.
Lobster Catchers.-The Nursemaids in the Parks.
MAY 2, 1868.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-No. 60.
A CASE which is pending just now while we're writing,
Some people in Lincoln's Inn hugely delighting;
No matter in which way 'tis finally settled,
One party, as Yorkshiremen say, will be fettled."
The moral is, ladies should not be caught napping,
Without one rap left, by attention to rapping.
1.-A vision of melodious strains
Is with me, and the sound remains
Of echoing chorus and of song
Whose sweet refrain will linger long.
What wonder that his honour'd name
Unto this day is known to fame.
2.-We learn of the planets
By this, and you'll say
That nought better than it's
Been found since the day
It first mark'd their way.
3.- Still with us! and years long ago I remember,
'Ere May days of life were merg'd in December
We love him as ever, though altered the voice is,
A scene in a garden my spirit rejoices.
4.-It lisp'd before me, it was very young,
Its folds upon the winds were outward flung,
And trumpets blared, the word is ALFRED T.',
The answer must, of course, be both of these.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC, No. 58.-Easter, Recess: Ebor.
Ale, Salic, Tyne, Express, Ruts.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OP AcROSTIC No. 58, RECEIVED APRIL 22nd:-
J. H. I. 0.; Towhit.
S. J. W.-We give a whole week, as you will see, if you take the
trouble to look. For the spelling of Talanta see Times.
WHY is a he-goat with a family like a lively letter ?-
Because he's a nanny-mated Billy.
Sticking at Nothing.
THE Grocer in noticing a new sweetmeat invented by
MESSRs. ROBERTS AND Co. of Greenwich object to its
having a French name given to it--B&ton de Dame
We should think an apt English title might be easily
found for it. It is described as of convenient length,"
"soft, and exceedingly smooth." The description applies
so admirably to a lady's tongue that we would suggest
as an English name a free translation of .Bton de
dame-" Woman's Weapon."
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
T is announced that TnERESA is coming to
London. It is said she has been engaged for
ten concerts for four hundred pounds. This
appears to me rather a small sum, considering
the class of society which-if we may judge
S' from the case of the JOLLY NASK-is likely to
S j patronise the exhibition. If some enterprising
manager would but engage THERESA, FINETTE,
and two or three musical hall singers, take a
theatre, and open it at Opera prices and with Opera rules, I
think it not unlikely that he would be largely supported by rank and
fashion. What a notion the French must have of our taste when they
reflect on the artistes they have sent us-CLoDOCHE and Company and
FINETTE, dancers of the cancan, and THERESA, singer of cafd songs.
THE Poet TUPPER has published a pamphlet in prose and verse,
entitled Our Canadian Dominion. The object of the ballads, appears to
be the installation of MR. TprrEn as poet laureate of the kingdom of
Canada, for which purpose, of course, the erection of Canada into a
kingdom is incidentally proposed. I have only space enough to give
one quotation, but its lofty diction and perspicuity will commend the
work to all readers:-
In anywise a royal prince we ask to bless us now,
And bathe these snowy decks with honour's light from poop to prow
Both officers and crew ennobled by his royal touch,-
Oh, this would gladden Canada Oh, this would raise her much!"
The sublimity of the last line goes almost a step beyond itself, it is so
carried away by its fervour There is a historical grandeur about the
last line but one, for it reminds one'of the old ceremony of touching
for the King's evil. As for the two first lines, they are beautiful "in
Seedy Customer (who has just finished a bottle of beer) :-" I SAY, ouV'Non,
WHOSE BEER'S THAT ?"
-Publican :-" O, BASS'S, OP COURSE !
S. C. :-" AH, THEN THE FIRST TIME I'VE THE PLEASURE OF SEEING HIM,
I'LL PAY Iu, FOR IT "
anywise." I cannot say I wish MR. TUPPER success in his endeavour
to bless Canada with a king and a laureate-what should we do
without him ?
THAT capital little school magazine, the Elizabethan, is to hand
again this month. It keeps well up to the high mark it made to start
with. If there be anything it needs to improve it, it is a more strict
supervision of the verse department. Unfortunately, verse-writing (I
mean English verse-writing) is not taught at schools, so the youngsters
may be pardoned slips which their elders only too often commit. But
the mere mechanical part of verse-writing might be so simply taught
that one regrets its omission from education. Here are a few hints for
the Editor-page 53-" requires is a disyllable, not a trisyllable, and
-pages 44 and 45-"hug her" and "sugar," "back or" and
"hacker," and "hubbub and dub up are so many blots in a
A onDY was discovered a short time since in an unfinished house at
Hackney. It must have lain there some months. It turns out to be
the corpse of a lunatic who made his escape from St. Luke's. Yet
nothing had been heard of the extraordinary escape" until the
discovery at Hackney Wick. Is it so common a thing for lunatics to
escape from St. Luke's and the other asylums that no stir is made about
it ? One would like to know how the extraordinary escape was
made through six locked and iron-plated doors, for it may be taken for
granted that the escape was not so extraordinary as to have been
effected through the keyholes. The Lunacy Commissioners should lose
no time in examining into this case and punishing the negligence
which must have permitted the escape. I hope it will not turn out
that the asylum is named, on the Lucus e non lucendo principle, St.
Luke's because it never looks after its patients.
A CLETVEI HARPIST.--pt-Tommas.
(Dedi'caUd to Music Hall Songsters.)
I'M a horriblee 'owling cad
With the leer and laugh of a larky lad,
The lords of the land come and break a lance
X With this witty disciple of Ma. VANen.
If an accurate knowledge of me you seek,
I live like a prince on a pound a week;
My debts I am certain amount to "nil,"
For, failing tick, why, I try the till!
A cut-away coat and a sixpenny stick,
A buttonhole flow'r and a mild Pickwick,
An arm for a Juniper-Mansion belle,
Come, that's my idea of a howling swell.
The rounds of a music-hall star I take,
And the hand of the gent in the chair I shake,
I smoke and drink and I lounge and bet,
And I know a fellow who's chaffed FmmrTTr
I'm great at a dancing academy hop,
When I mind my steps, though I've left the
I leave my business every year,
When my country seat-is on Margate Pier.
My notion of fun is a filthy screech
In the streets of town or on Brighton beach.
The road I am travelling leads to the bad,
The journey of every 'owling cad !
MRS. BROWN IN AMERICA.
ST. PATRmK's DAY.
I WASN'T over partikler pleased about going out St. Partick's day
and should not 'ave went out at all only for Mas. SHANth, as come
a-pressin' me for to go, and said as it would be a noble sight for to see
millions of the sons of Herring turn out.
Well, my 'art misgive me like, for I well remembers what a Hirish
weddin' brought about once only two streets off where we was a-livin',
when you'd 'ave thought as all Bedlam 'ad been and got married, and
carried to the hospitall in shelters by the hundredd afore the night was
out, and the perlice no more use than the babe unborn, and obligated
for to fetch the priest 'isself out of 'is bed, as pretty soon settled their
'ash, and took and throwed the stone bottle of whiskey out of the
winder, as was no doubt 'is duty, but as luck would 'ave it, it fell slap on
to two policemen as were a-keepin' guard at the door, and might 'ave
ended fatal but for their 'eads begin' that thick covered with them
HALBRRT'S 'ats, as was named carter ROBERT PEEL, Bobbies, as come in,
I well remembers, nearly thirty year ago, when the old watchmen
were put down, as were a useless lot, a-sleepin' in their boxes and a-
callin' the hours, as made it more cheerful if you was a-layin' awake,
tho' not much use in case of murder, as is know'd to 'ave happenedd on
their beats and nobody a bit the wiser, tho' parties 'ollered "watch"
like mad in their dyin' struggles, as my own aunt 'ad one of them
rattles a-'angin' at 'er bed-'ead over by Battersea-rise, as was heardd
distinct at Chelsea 'Ospital thro' 'er a-springin' it one moonlight night
out of winder when she see two waggybones a-cuttin' the lead off the
top of the parish church, as weren't more than a stone's throw from
'er house, and was obligated to abscond without their plunder, and
never got no thanks for 'er pains, but called old Rattler ever arter, as
it's my opinion the perlice was in with the thieves.
I'm sure if St. Patrick 'ad 'ad the day made a-purpose for 'im he
couldn't 'ave 'ad a-finer, with a blazin' sun as were a regular scorcher,
I can tell you, and me afraid to leave off my winter clothes, for it
changes here from 'ot to cold in a minit or two, and you're all shivers
afore you know where you are thro' a-turnin' a corner sudden or even
the shady side of the way.
I was ready to drop with 'eat afore I got to Broadway where the
persession was a-comin' by, and as to the mud up to your ankles and
them over shoes wery 'ot and confinin' to the feet.
I must say as they looked werry grand them Irish as were on 'orse-
back in cock 'ats and feathers with green and gold things round their
shoulders, only the music a-playin' made them 'orses werry fidgetty,
and I could see as many of them parties 'ad to 'old pretty tight for to
Well, on they kep' a-marchin', all in the mud, a-carryin' lovely
picters and playing' the music constant. Jest as I got up to the place
where I'd agreed to meet MRS. SHAnDY there was a deal of scrougin',
[MAY 2, 1868.
and as much as I could do to get through the crowd to where I see 'er
a-standin', along with Mas. MAOIAGRE and MRS. O'CoNNoR, as is 'er
two cousins, and when I gets up to 'em if they didn't begin to say as
they wouldn't be seen with me.
I says, Why not ?" Says MRas. MAeuIRn, Sure, it '11 be trouble
to you afore you gets through."
I says, What do you mean ?" She says, That dirty old rag of a
thing you've got on your back." I says, "It's a real Chaney crape."
"Yes," she says; "but what made you weir it ?" "Because," I
says, "I ain't got nothing else as I can walk under with winter under-
clothin'." So she says, "It'll bother you yet."
I says, Why ?" She says, "Why, it's a bright orange." I says,
What if it is ? It's the only colour as it would take when I had it
She says, You ain't got a bit of green about you." I says, Oh,
dear, no; there's nothing green about me, I 'ope." She says, "Then
don't you come with us." I says, I'm sure I don't want your com-
pany, as can get along werry well alone," so off I walks.
Well, the crowd come a-drivin' along, and there come one of them
wild Hirisl, washin' women, a-tearin' and a-screamin', Oh, the
arlin's, sure, ain't they picters !" And a-shovin' every one out of
the way as she might get in front to see a parcel of boys as was all
dressed up in fancy caps and shirts, as was a-walkin' in the persession.
So I says, Look where you're a-goin' to." She says, "So I am
a-lookin', and means to get in front," and begun a-drivin' away with
'er elbows, as I'm sure was the wuss for liquor, though it was the total
abstinence boys as she wanted to see.
Well, there was parties there as didn't see givin' 'er up their places,
so they pushed 'er back, and so she was kep' close agin where I was
a-standin', through the crowd being' that thick. There was a werry
nice lady as stood next me, she says, a-lookin' at them boys, It's to
be 'oped as they '11 grow up teatotallers." I says, Poor children, it's
nonsense a-makin' them take pledges, as don't know their own minds,
and ain't likely.for to drink now, unless it's give 'em by their drunken
waggerbones of parents."
Says that wild fieldmale, Who are ye a-callin' waggerbones ? ye
old dirty lump of a protestant, wid your orange colours for to insult
us wid." I says, "I were not a addressing' myself to you, mum; and
as to my shawl, it's my business, and none of yours."
She says, "I'll 'ave it off the back of you pretty quick," and if she
didn't give a grab at my shawl, and afore you could say Jack Robin-
son it was down in the mud. I tried for to pick it up, but some
cowardly willing' give me a bonneter. I turns round for to purtect
myself, and Oldss up my umbreller, and if they didn't ketch it out of
my 'and and pitch into me with it as I was a-stoopin' down agin to
get my shawl.
I oilerss "Perlice," and if a man didn't stand up for me, and say as
I shouldn't be insulted, as he'd stand by me, as was on the right side;
and he catches my shawl out of my 'and and waves it about. Oh, the
row as was made; I was drove wiolent agin that wild woman as was
a-standin' agin a door-post, and heardd 'er give a loud grunt, and then
she yelled as I'd been and smashed in the bones of 'er.
Up come the perlice, and seizes 'old on me, and drags me from that
wild beast, as were thankful as they took me up, for I'm sure I should
'ave been killed but for them. I was took off to their station house ,
and if the perlice didn't tell the party as were there that I was trying'
to get up a Orange row.
I says, "Me! Never!" He says, "1I see you a-wavin' a orange-
coloured flag and a-shoutin', and it's a wonder as you wasn't killed."
Says the party as were a-settin' there, It's worry disgraceful in
you-are you Irish F I says, No sir, thro' bein' born in London.''
"Ah," he says, "a many Irish is born there." I says, "No doubt,
for they're everywhere, and 'ave always lived peaceable with me."
Then he says, "If I let you go will you promise to go 'ome quietly
at once ? I says, Yes, and thankful to get there."
So they let me go, as 'ad to walk ever so far with no shawl on, and
my umbreller broke to ribbons. I wouldn't 'ave minded anything if
that MHs. SHANDY 'adn't stood me out as I did it for the purpose.
I says, "Did what ?" "Why," she says, "put on that shawl, as is
I says, Whatever difference can that make to anybody ?" "Why,"
she says, "that's the Protestant colour."
Well," I says, "I've met with a good many things to make any-
one start in 'Merryker, but," I says, "the idea of colours 'avin'
religions is downright foolishness, and I suppose next you'll be a-tellin'
me as dogs and cats is Christians."
She says, Never in my born days did I see sich a thick 'ead-why,
you can't get anything thro' your wool."
I says, Not bein' a negro-black, I 'ave no wool to get through, and as
I don't want no insults, I begs as you'll drop my acquaintance," so we
ain't spoke since, as makes it unpleasant a-meetin' regular for meals.
But I'm sure as to that St. Patrick's Day it's downright waste of
time and money, and didn't ought to be allowed, a-stoppin' up the
streets, and costs 'eaps of money, as they'd much better give to the
Stephano :-M t. J*rN B*LL. i
Stephano :-" Four legs and two voices: a most delicate monster His forward voice now is to
IN A TEAPOT).
Caliban :-MR. D*sR**L*.
his backward voice is to utter foul speeches and to detract."-The Tempesd, Act ii., Scene 2.
MAY 2, 1868.] FUN. 87
I, rim TPH i miiOF
Smothers (administering "the grip cordial") :-" A, WITHERS, YOU'RE
LOOKING JOLLY "
Withers (deprived of use of right hand):-" HUMPH I DON'T feel so !"
A CONTENTED MIND;
IF I was not compelled for my living to toil,
If food, drink, and clo hes were produced by the soil,
If ready-cooked dinners were borne on the gales,
And rivers of ALLSorPP lowed free through the vales,
If we all lived in caves in a primitive way,
I could live and be happy on twopence a day-
Twopence a day-
Twopence a day-
I could live like a prince upon twopence a day.
If I never was called on for taxes or rates,
And no paupers existed to burden our States,
If one never was called on to aid a poor brother,
And all in the world, one as rich as another;
Oh, if nothing at all I were called on to pay,
I could live and be happy on twopence a day-
Twopence a day-
Twopence a day-
I'd be kind to the poor upon twopence a day.
If the world had returned to the Season of Gold,
When nought could be bought because nothing is sold,
When the harvest spontaneously sprang from the ground,
And mutton and beef cost but no-ponce a pound,
When beer's nothing a quart and you bring your own
And gold, bank-notes, copper, and silver are drugs,
I think that I really may venture to say
I could save something handsome on twopence a day.
Twopoence a day-
Twopence a day-
I should prove quite a ROTHscHILD on twopence a day !
ToE author ot Occasional Notes" in the P.2M.G. has
done much to enrich and amplify the English language,
but he has seldom given us a more elegant example of
his powers than the following videe P.J1l.. of the
22nd of April) :-
The names of the officers comprising the Court are as follows.
We should have thought that anyone with the education
of a housemaid, even, would have known that to com-
prise" means to "include, contain, embrace, encircle "-
in short to "comprehend" but not in the sense in
which the writer of notes comprehends too English
poor, as is starvin' by thousands in this werry place, and nearly all of
the Irish persuasion, as seems to me as bad off 'ere as everywhere else,
and all owin' to the drink, as they can't take in moderation, but must
make beasts of theirselves, and always ends in a fight, as might be all
jolly but for that, and always cheerful, too, not but what they're quite
different 'ere to England. I'm sure MR. SHANDY come'ome from that
dinner that gone in liquor, as frightened Mas. SKIDMORE nearly to
death for fear of fire, as is 'er constant terrors, as well it may be, with
a wooden housee as is 'ighly dangerous, I should say, and danced a jig
for ever so long with a lot of companions on the door-step, and
wouldn't be pacified till 'ticed indoors with the promise of a drink,
tho' I should 'ave said 'ad 'ad oshuns already.
Mas. SKIDMORE, she says, as lMs. SHrANDY was only a-promisin',
and did not mean for 'im to have no more that night; but bless you,
he made all the lot as were with 'im come in, and drink they would
'ave, and a-singin' St. Patrick's Day in the Mornin'," as is one of
their songs, till I was pretty nigh drove mad, and goes to the top of
the stairs, and puts my 'ead over the bannisters, and says to
MRS. SKIDMxOBE, "Are we a-goin' to get a wink of sleep to-night
Evidently a bit of Buffo(o)nery.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN."
StI.-Wishing to find a new occupant for a cage lately tenanted by
a pet squirrel, I have searched in the Post-office Directory-but with-
out success-for a list of those who deal in hyperbole, as a friend tells
me that a pair of them would just suit me. It has occurred to me that
possibly you might be able to afford me the required information. I
should also be glad to know what is the proper diet for a Zoetrope. It
is, I hear, amusing, and the cost of its keep insignificant. I am, Sir,
Your humble servant,
P.S.-I should have applied to the sporting papers but I am told they
know little of "natural" history.
tnssto s ta C4arso'nbnts.
[7We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; but we do not hold
ourselves responsible for loss.]
A WATERFORD CORRESPONDENT sends no name with his contribution,
but as he called his sketch Stupidity," perhaps he was right to avoid a
SPECIAL.-Don't send us jokes out of our own back numbers. It's only
waste of time.
W. R. R-We don't see that the fact of your friend having been a
surgeon in large practice, but being now retired, a magistrate for the county,
and taking a prominent part in public matters," necessarily proves that he
is a comic writer.
APPLE-JAcK-Means cider, we suppose, but is really very small beer.
FIRE AND FURY.-Why this self-conscious signature ? We cannot
understand what your "tale told by an idiot" can possibly signify.
A. D. (Chiswell-street.)-We have had such a suspicious coincidence of
contributions about "Phayre and Merewether," that we believe not one of
them is original.
DECLINING AUTHOR.-Declined altogether.
ANXIOUS.-The Chancellor of the Exchequer.
J. G. G. (Lansdowne-terrace, Exeter).-The coincidence may be strange,
but it is not likely that our rejected communications should find their way
elsewhere-unless sent by their perpetrators.
Declined with thanks:-W. H., Liverpool; J. B. T., Brixton; J. A.
Tid; A. S., Redcar; Bladders; H. D. H., Southwark; Nipper; J. S.,
Gracechurch-street; Brother Jonathan; .W. G. I., King Hlenry's-road;
Cynic; H. K. S., New John-street; Topsey; F. If., Carey-street;
T. B., Gloucester-road; A. B.; Jenks; Tit; D)an; B. O'C.; J. H.,
Princes-square; S. K., Islington; Cloo; S. X.; D. G. C., Abordeen;
II. F. G.; E. M. F., Higham; Robin Hood; J. B. R., Erith; P' 1. B.,
Clapham-road; Musicus; J. MI., Kirkintilloch; A Lover of Goo Music;
A. J.; A. P. H. S.; R. O.; Y. A. H.; S. E.; Frizz; G. U. b.; Blue
Gown; R. M. B.; W. T., Chester.
THE NOAH'S ARK -ADEMY.
- -~ -
HE other day a toy NOAH's Ark I bought in the Lowther Arcade,
In a page of Academy Catalogue they wrapped up the purchase I
And that is the reason I had (as the artist endeavours to show) a
Dream of R.A.'s, two-and-two, with SIm FREDERICK GRANT as NOAH.
And first in the long procession, behold the lions,of course by SREDWIN,
Then MILLAIS and CALDERON, two giraffes, the race by a long neck
and head win,
And close at hand on the wing you see a pair of highfliers; that's
Composed of PATTIE and ORCHARDSON, keen-eyed, tho' shown as bats;
As elephants WARD and MACLISE appear, whose frescoes the nation
have cost riches;
While LANE and MeDOWELL plume themselves on their proud position
There's ANSDELL the stag, and LEIGHTON who seems a gazelle-or one
of the roe-does;
While HAnr and the elder PICKERSGILL are a couple of ancient dodos.
Then LEE and COOPER next appear as cattle, the scene to vary,
And J. P. KNIGHT is a jolly bird, that's known as the Secretary;
S Then HooK and POOLE as fish" out of water," quite out-and-outers;
And FRosT (whose blue rocks are well known) and FRITH appear as a
pair of pouters.
LE JEUNE and ELMORE are spotted as leopards, and next in his place
C. LANDSEER, a son of NOAH (so like, though you cannot see his face) ;
Then HORSLEY of course is a horse, and, of courser, the old white
One has seen on the walls so oft is a sort of sham ABRAHAM COOPER ;
-- RICHMOND and GOODALL as sheep are the couple next presentable,
2 And DOBSON, too, as a little lamb, whose capers are so lamb-entable.
O'NIELL and LEwIS as two white bears from the North Pole's icy
And FAED and WEBSTER are dogs, a Scotch and an English "tarrier"
Next are BOXALL and DURHAM, who've made great talks by picture
And are made great auks or penguins themselves, as is right and just;
REDGRAVE and PICKERSGILL JUNIOR as goats march next sedately;
And NicOLL and YEAMEB appear as snakes with the coils they have
both made lately;
While WATTS and SANT as "the gentlemen in black velvet," that's
S to say,
As moles, uphold the dig-nity of their art in a proper way;
There's CALDER MARSHALL as wolf-the wolf needs very swift hounds
to match him,
If you want, as the hunters say, a good bust, you'd better endeavour
to catch him.
Such was the wonderful dream I had-I tell it unto you,
And such was the long array of R.A.'s, all marching two and two.
, i I I I I 4-* -,
SEEING THE POINT.
Flora :-" MAMMA, I SHOULD LIKE TO STAY AT HOME TO-DAY-IT'S GOING TO RAIN, TOO-LOOK WHERE THE WIND IS; IT'S IN THE
SOUTH, YOU CAN SEE 31Y THE LETTERS ON THE CHURCH SPIRE, AND- "
Mamma :-"PooH, NONSENSE, CHILD! BE OFF TO SCHOOL AT ONCE; THAT S IS ALWAYS POINTING IN THAT DIRECTION."
None of Your Violin-ce!
WE are grieved to relate that a facetious correspondent, having read
in the papers that the late Ma. FYDELL of Morcott Hall, Rutland, has
bequeathed to the National Life Boat Institution the sum of one
hundred pounds, writes to ask if the gift will be recorded in proper
classical" dono dedit" form, because if so it will look very like
" FYDELL d.d." We can assure our correspondent that if he will
come down to the same tune which this first FYDELL has performed, it
will be the only chance of our forgiving his impertinence to so admirable
Ducks and Drakes.
A GANG of burglars broke into Nutwell the residence of SIR TRAYTON
DRAKE in Devonshire the other day. They effected their entrance
cleverly, buthad to be contented with verylittle booty, for they retreated
after examining two rooms, probably for fear of alarming the house.
No doubt they now consider that they acted "too wisely but
ON its being telegraphed from Portsmouth that the Indian troopship
Crocodile had arrived with troops from Alexandria, the President and
fellows of the Zoological Society started immediately for Portsmouth
to prosecute inquiries how about the Crocodile-steers."
THE Scientifle American gives an account of a spider which attaches
a line to a twig and then, throwing itself into the air and paying out
more line as the wind carries it, ascends like a kite. How strangely
Nature has anticipated the discoveries of man This spider must have
been catching its victims by means of a kite long before the first bill-
discounter saw daylight.
'A New Lute for the Laboratory."
A SCIENTIFIC journal contains a paragraph under this heading which
we cannot altogether understand, for it alludes to zinc-white, fino
sand, and other things not usually employed in the manufacture of
musical instruments. However, as the laboratory is to have a lute,
we are only too happy as lovers of science to present a song for the
Oh, come where the Cyanides silently flow,
And the Carburets droop o'er the Oxides below ;
Where the rays of Potassium lie white on the hill,
And the song of the Silicate never is still.
Come, oh, Come!
Tumti, turn, tum!
Peroxide of soda, and urani-um I
While alcohol's liquid at thirty degrees,
And no chemical change can affect manganese;
While alkalies flourish ; and acids are free,
My heart shall be constant, sweet science, to thee!
Yes, to thee!
Fiddledum dee I
Zinc, borax, and bismuth; and HO + 0.
What Howe !
A CORRESPONDENT, who deserves a good quilting for his pains,
reports that the Commissioners of Woods and Forests have purchased
a number of sewing machines for "felling purposes.
The Poet in Error.
"KNow that health exceeds of either Ind the treasured wealth."-
Not so;-nothing like laying up for a rainy day.
90 FUN. [MAY 2, 1868.
DUBLIN, APRIL, 1868.
HAD I the janius contemporaneous'
Of DocTHon RUSSELL or MISTHER WOODS,
SOr G. A. SALA, to desthseribe a gala,
Or pen a price-list of thra4esmen's goods,
oI'd saize the occasion of the Insthallation
To present the nation, in an illigant pome,
P, a With a true destheriptioii f that warrum rcipntio
In the sthrates of Dublin, me boyhood's home.
It was a pitchure that co mrlately licked, s hre'
A ll sanes that's mentioned j the Roman p6b
Or the ancient Gracians and other nationosl.--r
You should see the boys, faith, in theft Sfiday coats!
And the female creatures did their *isy features
And forms so graceful with gay ti 4dorn;
But me heartfelt sorrow, on that jg morrow,
To see in mourning L__r.- Azrr.cbrfN.
Shure, the lai:s' dress. t. Like the fair Princess's,
Was made of p:.plin thtmmed with hish lace;
And I'd like to minrti.:.n, f.:r your kind attention,
That the town cr LimEnrk ii fqr such the place.
There was LA"rs. Drw)FE RN, looked tLo no manes suffering'
And Mns. STO.N.a, Vho was lik-is, seen
With LADY ('arTaarTrN--like a sunny garden
Of shining' yellow and the imerald green.
'Twas a sight w.:,rth sayin' while th Lbands was playing'
Ig theneighb'rin' quarter whic.,h .srrounds the place,
Chunes like "Garryoiven," as the Prince was goin',
With his wife beside him-bless her purty face!
But within the building' (though a taste of gildin'
would have done no harrum), it was grander far;
And the painted windies like the gorgeous Indies
Sled a glow of colour on aich female star.
Then the or an pealin' sint a squarish feeling
All up and own and acrost me spoine;
And a hundthred voices, than which none more choice is,
Sang "The Heavens are telling,"-Ah, bedad, 'twas
Take Care of your Pockets.
WE learn from the American papers that MR. FLORENCE
__.__ has left New York for England. This is the person,
$- it will be remembered, who writing down an English
play from memory performed it in America and thereby
Oh, go it's not the police, although llary June is looking so delighted. The defrauded its author of his copyright. Managers and
cause of the excitement is simply the appearance of the Marquis of o should b o g, d ase r against one whose
0 UR P L A Y G 0 ER. it, and their dancing is admirable MA. WALLACE is also very nimble
Miss FANNY JOSEPHS has made the Holborn Theatre look very and grotesque. Of Miss FAN- Y JosErEs, MBiss LYDIA MAITLAND
pretty, and has obviously done all in her power to issue an attractive and Miss WEATHERSBY we cannot speak without subjecting ourselves
playbill. Unfortunately for the prospects of the management Mn.'F. to an accusation of "gushing." Two pretty ballets are introduced,
C. BURNAND's burlesque, The White Fawn, is too long and wearisome but they are much too long.
to become at all popular. Everything that liberality could suggest has A new scene is now presented by MR. JoHNx PARRY at the Gallery of
been expended upon it; but splendid scenery and beautiful dresses Illustration, called A Public Dinner. The philanthropic humours of
effective music and a strong company, fight in vain against clumsy this national institution are of course brought into bold relief by one of
versification and overwhelming lengths of dialogue. If MR. BUNAND our keenest observers and mimics. There is hardly enough music for
were more careful of his reputation he would scarcely need the friendly our own taste in this funny little sketch; we are always disappointed
admonitions of those critics who have not been so dazzled by his many when we find MR. PARRY chary of his pianoforte playing. He is a
successes that they cannot see his many faults. The present burlesque splendid actor, but he always pleases us most when his hands are upon
is merely an incoherent sort of jumble, founded on a tale by MADAMIE black and white ivory.
D'ANois which MI. PLANOCM adapted for the stage ever so many years TuIs evening-by which we mean the evening of Wednesday, the
ago. We cannot illustrate the difference of treatment better than by 29th, when this will be in the hands of the public-anyone who wants
saying that Mn. PLANCHaf''s version was witty and MR. BURNAND'S is a real treat had better secure a place at the Queen's Theatre. It is
comic. We have not brought away from the Holborn single punthat TooLE's benefit, and he plays eIci on parole Francais and Paul Pry, which
is worth the remembering; and we have brought away several attempts latter is his very best part, and one of the most laughable pieces ever
at rhyme which we would fain have left behind us. The performers do put on the stage.
their best, which is very good, to put something like life into this mere
skeleton. MEssRs. JosEPH IRVING and HARRY Cox are two of the most
accomplished burlesque-actors we have seen for some time; their PUFF-ECTLY ABSURD.
Swiss duet fully deserves the honour of a double encore which follows A song for the Dean of Carlisle.-" Not to-day, 'Bacca!"
OSWEGO PREPARED CORN,
For Puddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
No similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
MAY 9, 1868.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-No. 61.
THE April, with its welcome rain,
Has laid the dusty clouds again,
Erst raised by March's blusters:
The trees are clad in tender green,
And lo, the odorous flowers I mean
Peep forth in purple clusters.
1.-He who wishes
To catch fishes,
Finds not this
2.-You can tell
'Tis not well.
3.-This jeweller could spin a yarn well,
Witness for him Georgy Barnwell."
Of seven dramas that he made,
Three are very often played.
4.-Merrily danced the Quaker's wife,
Merrily danced and lightly;
And this the word is, on my life,
To mark the measure sprightly.
5.-When the Pilgrim Fathers landed
On the wild New England ground,
Probably this bivalve stranded
On the wave-washed shore they found;
'Twas of memories creative
Of their native island's native.
SOLUTION OF ACROSTIC No. 59.-Ireland, Visited;
Igov, Rabbi, Evans's, Lorelei, Affidavit, Nine, Diomed.
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF AcROSTI No. 59, RECEIvED APRIL 29TH :-
Old Rug; Shorncliffe.
Water, Water, Everywhere.
WHEN the story of the Abyssinian Expedition is
written by the historian, one name should stand out
more prominently than that of ARMSTRONG, WHIT-
WORTH or any other knight of the deadly tube." We
refer, of course to NORTON, whose patent wells have
been to our army real "tubes of life."
THE "APPLICATION" or OCHAITY SERMONS:-" Out
with your money."
.. .. .. ------, _. s-1
COMPARISONS are ODIOUS.
Romantic Dear :-" OH, FRIDERICK! Is IT NOT DELIOIITFUL TO WANDER
IN THE QUIET COUNTRY AND LISTEN TO THE CUCKOO'S NOTrE ? "
Frederick (who has no soul jr poetry):-" Oue-Anl-YEv I DARE SAY IT'S
ALL RIGHT, ONLY IT ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF HICCUPS "
THE Olympic version of Black Sheep, adapted for the stage by
MESSRS. EDMUND YATES AND PALGRAVE SIMPsoN, is likely to run for
some time. The tone of the piece is too sombre and melodramatic ;
the incidental music (played much too loudly by an indifferent
orchestra) gives the finishing touch of gloom to a drama which requires
no stage tricks to make it heavy. A long story is told in three scenes,
and the delicate analysis of character which gave a charm to the novel
is irretrievably lost in the play. Of Mas. ROUTH'S original purity
and gradual degradation we get no traces whatever; she is an awfully
bad lot from the rise of the curtain to the fall thereof, and nobody of
sense can possibly waste any pity upon her unnatural death. MAs.
CHARLES MATHEWS performs this part with great earnestness and
effect, but the disjointed nature of the dialogue allows her few oppor-
tunities for sober and straightforward acting. Notwithstanding this
disadvantage the lady plays in a charmingly genuine and animated
style. On the first night of the drama, we beg to inform her, she
spoke in so low a tone as to be frequently inaudible. Mas. ST. HENRY,
as a gushing American belle, appears to advantage, but is a little un-
even in the modulation of her voice; the enunciation is not always as
distinct as one could wish. MR. CHARLES MATHEWS is a villain-but
not a villain who could commit violent murder; he is reckless and
flippant, but he is not muscularly homicidal. He would poison his
enemy with strychnine, or get behind him while he wasn't looking and
shove him into the water; but he would never have the fine old
English courage to knock him on the head with a bludgeon, or the grand
young Yankee pluck to stick him under the fifth rib with a bowie-knife.
His make-up is admirable, and his devil-may-care kind of bearing
thoroughly artistic. MR. JoHN CLARKE makes a great deal out of a
street-boy character, and achieved a special recall on the first per-
formance of the piece. MEssRS. WIGAN, VINCENT, AND ASHLEY
struggle successfully with very small parts. The drama has been
carefully mounted, and will probably. as we said before, have a run,
despite the mediocrity of dialogue and the prevailing darkness of the
The great LEOTAnD has reappeared at the Alhambra, where he
brings down the house nightly by feats even more extraordinary
than those which he has hitherto performed. MADEMOISELLE FINETTE
continues to shock-to astonish-and to attract.
An Official Cat.
WE clip the following from a report of a Pier and Harbour Board
Meeting in Southampton:-
"Mr. Deal wished to know what were the duties of a person named Naylor.
Mr. Keane (the collector of harbour dues) said that Naylor's duties, whose father
held the post before him, were to clean out his (Mr. Keane's) office, and to take
care of a large cat, which was the terror of all the rats and mice in the neighbour-
hood. Mr. Sharpe asked how much did he receive for the clt? (Laughter.) Mr.
Keane said that Naylor received 4S. a-week from the Commissioncis, and 3d.
a-week for the cat. (Laughter.) Mr. DeaIl said that one of the cranes on tile
quay required to be oiled, and he asked Naylor to do it, when he said it was not his
business. Mr. Sharpe: His business was to oil the cat. (Laughter.)"
What a parable of officialism. Here we have a cat allowed 3d.
a-week to do the work, and a man allowed 4s. a-week to look after the
cat-kept, in fact, for the purr-puss. It's almost like a Govecmnent
An Unsupported Statement.
THERE is not the slightest foundation for the rumour that the
MARQUIS oF T*WNSH*ND has expressed an intention to prosecute the
performers in PsOFEBSOR PEPPE 's sham-spiritual act" at the Poly-
technic on the grounds that they have no visible means of support."
MOTTO FOR THE PEN OF THE BEGOING-LETTEL WRITEn.-"Ink
VOL. VII. I
[MAY 9, 1868.
THE BARON'S DEFEAT.
INSCRIaEO TO THE Ti ETOTALLERS.
ILFRED the Baronwas strong and was
Ile stormed many cities and trouser'd
,, the gold.
Before him in tourney his compeers
S While their friends saw them fall with
"alas" and alackk."
But in spite of his prowess I have to
The terrible tale of the Baron's defeat.
He conquered, he won, while a bachelor
But at last he succumb'd toabeautiful
And e'n then his arm was still strong
in the fight,
And his lady was proud of her won-
Our Baron, perforce, second fiddle
His wife was a beauty so very high-
She treated remonstrance with sniffs
and with scorn;
She came of a race that had abbeys and lands,
She had always held rule, so she gave her commands,
That the Baron the keys of the cellar should yield,
When she went on a visit, or hunting, a-field.
The first time it happened the Baron he swore
At the butler consumedly; kicked at the door;
Vowed vengeance, of course, on hi: merciless dame,
And yet he was mild as new milk when she came;
For she calmly remarked, "You may rave as you please,
But my wine-bibbing WILFaED, I'll stick to the keys!"
Then adieu to snug parties, where many a friend
With the Baron would oft neathh the table descend;
For she still kept the keys both at home and when out,
And the Baron disconsolate wandered about;
And 'tis evea averr'd he went down to the shop
In the village and tried, in despair, ginger-pop.
Have a clause in the settlements, then, when you wed,
That the key of the cellar be yours; don't be led
By a pair of bright eyes and a beautiful dear,
Into cutting your claret and giving up beer.
Since life without liquor is hardly complete,
Take warning in time by the Baron's defeat.
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
OTH the Operas are in full swing just now,
and to judge from appearances, there are
J ^ enough Opera-goers to keep them both well
filled. At Covent Garden there is a good
company and COSTA'S excellent orchestra.
!,s, iAt Drury Lane there is TITIES s-it is scarcely
.. necessary to mention further attractions. The
old house has been re-decorated, and looks
quite young and lovely again. In the saloon
will be found an ingenious little machine, invented by a Frenchman,
with which you can print your own cards on some very pretty
crystallised card of various tints, which is rather too ornamental for
the ordinary visiting pasteboard," but would be charming for
menus or ball-programmes. MR. LESLIE's concerts are as attractive
as ever-and as good as ever; and to wind-up my notes of matters
musical, the preparations for the HANDEL Festival at the Crystal
Palace are being carried out on a grand scale. The programme for
the new season at the Palace lies before me, and a most attractive one
it is. The Festival, the Flower Show, the Rose Show, the Fetes, the
Fireworks, the Concerts, and a host of novelties are promised; and
when one remembers that every year 'makes the beautiful grounds
more and more delightful, there is no denying that it is impossible to
lay out a guinea to better advantage than in a season-ticket for the
JuST returned from the Private View of the Royal Academy. I am
sorry to say I can only record that it is the worst we have had for
years, and that the hanging is simply infamous. The two most
notable pictures to my mind are LEIGHTON's "Actea" and Ma.
BaRIT'S Christmas Morning "-and neither is on the line. The
line is reserved for the R.A.'s and St. John's-wood-the good pictures
will be found elsewhere. But I shall have a word to say on this
subject next week.
Sm ROBERT NAPIER has made short work of the Abyssinian war,
and deserves the thanks of the tax-paying community especially. I
am glad to see that HER MAJESTY has already acknowledged his
services, by creating him a Grand Cross of the Bath. He will receive
also the grateful thanks of his country, and the freedom of the City of
London. Let me see;-is there anything else wanted to complete the
list of honours that await him ? Oh, yes, of course He might
be prosecuted by the Jamaica Committee fur killing that amiable
black person, THEODORE. If anything could raise him in the opinion
of his countrymen it would be that he should become an object of
persecution at the hands of that body.
THE Clerkenwell trials are over, and BAuRRTT is sentenced. But
the conviction of one out of the gang is but a poor set-off against such
items as the following:-
"Six persons were killed 'outright,' six more died from its effects, according to
the coroner's inquest, five, in addition, owe their deaths indirectly to this means,
one young woman is in a madhouse, 40 mothers were prematurely confined, and 20
of their babes died from the effects of the explosion on the women ; others of the
children are dwarfed and unhealthy. One mother is now a raving maniac; 120
persons were wounded; 50 went into the St. Bartholomew's. Gray's-inn-lane, and
King's College Hospitals; 15 are permanently injured with loss of eyes, legs,
The murder of poor D'ARcy M'GmE, and the attempted assassination
of the DUKE oF EDINBURGH, are two further counts in the indictment
against this bloodthirsty and unscrupulous conspiracy; and are strong
evidence that clemency is only mistaken for cowardice, and that
severity will be the truest mercy.
I Am sorry to see the Saturday Review pitching into the special cor-
respondents, and descending to the vulgar snobbism of calling them
penny-a-liners. The men who write accounts of such matters as the
late Royal visit to Ireland are as good men and as eminent writers as
the Saturday's staff. Gentlemen who write neat essays for the
Saturday in their comfortable studies, with any amount of books of
reference. and the British Museum handy, do themselves little credit
by a cheap sneer at the special correspondent who has to be superior
to the mental weariness that follows physical exertion, and who must
rely on his memory instead of a library. The names of RUSSELL and
Woons are as good as-perhaps better than-any of the names that
appear in the muster-roll of the Saturday-as the Saturday well
knows. It should be superior to such small artifices, for its own credit.
St. Paul's has but one illustration this month, and that not in Mt.
MILLAIS's happiest style. But the literary portion of the magazine
makes up for any deficiency in the art. "Anonymous Journalism"
is a calm and sensible discussion of a question about which Mn.
MATTHEW ARNOLD has shrieked, and many lesser scribes have twaddled.
Such essays as this and some I have noticed in previous numbers, will
obtain for this.magazine a position apart from that obtained by its novels,
but quite as important, to say the least. Columbus is fine, too, and a
paper on "Ralegh" is full of value. The artist of the Argysy has
changed his style, and with great advantage. There are two pleasant
pieces of verse in this number, Too Late," and a cheery, defiant song
by Da. MA KAY. Of the prose, Sanker's Visit is the best, to my
thinking, though by this time I am inclined to believe that the magpie,
like the mad bull, has figured often enough in fiction. I cannot con-
gratulate Belgravia on its illustrations this month: the best of them, by
MESSRS. PANNEMAKERAND THOMPsoN, wants better printing. The verse,
with the exception of "Pairing," is good, and there are some capital
papers among the prose-notably MR. SAWYER'S "A Million a Minute,"
which is Hawthornesque and excellent.
Cassell's Magazine this month opens with a new novel from the pen
of MR. MoY TsOMAs, which is certain of a wide popularity, if merit
can command popularity. I have seldom read the beginning of a
story with such relish-it is stirring yet not sensational, and its scenes
and characters are sketched with power and breadth. The Common-
sense Papers," by MR. HOLLINGSHEAD, are sound and excellent essays,
and there are other capital articles in the number. The Quiver contains
"The Search for LIVINGSTONE," by MAi BATES, the well-known
"Naturalist on the Amazon"; and a charming little poem by MR.
TaORNEURY entitled The Warning," with other papers of interest.
The present number of the Popular Educator completes Volume One,
and bears a table of contents which gives some idea of the number
and variety of subjects treated in the work. I notice an improvement
in the engraving of MESSRS. CASSELL's publications, which I flatter
myself may be partly due to my efforts-still there is room for im-
provement yet, which I hope to see. -Routledge's Magazine for Boys is
as good as ever this month. This number of Hanover Square seems a
F U i'q.
MAY 9, 1868.]
ACT. I: SCENE 1-M1RS. CORNEY'S Parlour in the Workhouse.
Enter Ma. SOWERBERRY, to MRS. CORNER and MR. BUMBLE.
SOWER.-Oliver has run away. [Sensation.
SCENE 2.-High road. Finger Post, To London."
Enter 0LIVER, very pale from hunger and exposure, but beautifully
OLIVvR.-How weary I am! That dreadful slow music is killing
me. (To conductor) I ask you, am I the old lady of Banbury Cross ?
Very well then! I will dismiss my private band, and lay me down
and go to sleep in the middle of the road, for who-who would run over
a poor parish boy ? [Goes to bed in a rut.
-Enter the ARTFUL DODGER, dancing a Oachuca.
DonDG (whistles-can't print it).-Oh my, 'ere's a covey from
OLIVEn (waking up, and mistaking the DODGER for his mother's
spirit).-Save me, save me !
DODGER.-Come with me to a spectaclee old gentleman who lives in
London, and who loves little boys.
OLIVER.-I will-I Will!
Dance of-the DODGER, taking the opposite direction to that indicated by
finger post-probably to show his artfulness, or, perhaps because he
can't walk up perpendicular canvass.
SCENE 3.-FAGIN'S Den. FAGIN discovered.
FAGIm.-I look like a Crusader with a cold. But I am not one-
oh, no, no, no !
Enter the DODGER and OLIVER.
DODGER.-Here is a covey from Greenland.
FAoIN.-(Aside) good-we will steep him in crime. (Aloud) Oliver
go to bed. [OLIVER does so. Exit DODGER.
FAGIN.-Now to reckon my hoard (takes some gold watches out of a
hole in the floor.) Beautiful! (Sees OLIVER awake.) Ha! How long
have you been awake ? Not more than twenty minutes ?
OLIVER.-Dear sir, it is not half a minute since I went to bed. But
I have had such dreams-such lovely dreams !
Enter the DODGER.
FAGIN.-Take him away and steep him in crime. The DOBGER takes
him away and steeps him in crime L. H.
FAGIN.-Who are you ?
MoNKs.-I am a post mortem escaping from a Coroner's inquest. Is
not found drowned written on every line of my countenance ?
FAGIN.-It is-it is! 1What would you ?
MONKS.-I want the locket described on this ticket-it is in your
FAGIN.-First give me ten guineas.
MONKS.-Oddly enough this purse contains the exact sum you
demand. Take it, you may keep the purse too.
FAGIN.-Here is the locket (opens it). Ha! Oliver Twist by all
that's wonderful. Taken at the workhouse by the parochial artist, no
They stand back to back, for some unexplained reason. The scene does not
close in readily. Delight of FAGIN. His beautiful remarks pro-
bably not in the LonRD CHAMBERLAIN'S copy.
SCENE 4.-Street in London, Temp. Elizabeth R. Enter OLIVER pursued
by DODnER, pantomime mob and French fish girls. Then enters a
comic policeman (who had a moustache on the first night.) After-
wards Mr. BROWNLOW.
DoDGER (to policeman).-Please sir, it wasn't me, sir. It was him,
sir! (indicating OLIvER.)
MR. BROWNLOW.-That lovely face a thief! It cannot be! Still,
away with him to the deepest dungeon beneath the castle moat.
POLICEMAN to DODGER.-Come and give evidence.
[Collars him and carries him off. Method of ubpeona-ing evidence A.D.
SCENE 5.-Comic police court, comic magistrate, comic policeman, comic
crowd, eovnie witnesses and sentimental prisoner, DODGER giving
evidence in Dock against OLIVER accommodated apparently in
Counsel's seats, MR. BROWNLow at the same time gives evidence from
the "Attorney's well." His evidence and the DODGER'S arranged
as a duet (BoosEv). The DODGER cross-examines the other witness,
as per usual. Enter a Bookseller.
BOOKSELLER.-My Lord the prisoner is innocent.
MAGISTRATE.-Then I will discharge him, if the prosecutor will
consent to adopt him.
MR. BROWNLOW.-Well, really--
MAGISTRATE.-It's the usual thing.
MR. BuowNLow.-Oh, very well then, I suppose I must. (Adopts
ACT II.-Garret of BILL SIKES. BILL in bed, NANCY sitting bt, him.
SIKEs.-I have been blazing ill. But I'm beautifully clean, Nancy.
NANCY.-You are, my lovely husband! [They embrace.
MONKs.-The coroner's jury are in hot pursuit. But I will never
be taken dead! (To SIKEB.) Oliver Twist has been adopted by Mr.
Brownlow. For reasons which are not particularly clear, he must be
brought back to Fagin. Contrive this, and five thousand a year are
yours. The deed must be done to-night, or my plans are useless all!
SIKEs.-To-night it shall be done, my lord. Nancy, disguise your-
self with a door-key and fetch him back. [Exit NANCY.
She re-enters, with OLIVER beautifully dressed.
NANCY.-Fortunately he happened to be passing, and I collared him.
(Aside) How miserable is the lot of the Burglar's Bride! I have a
natural taste for district visiting and illuminated texts, but indulgence
in these harmless fancies is denied me by my devoted but erring spouse.
But this is weakness.
SIKEs.-Oliver, I will kill you.
NANcY.-Never! Where is the pistol I always carry in my bosom ?
Oh, here. One step and I fire!
Tableau. SIKES vexed.
SCENE.--loom in MIR. BROWNLOW's house.
MB. BROWNLow.-I took this house of Mr. Mildmay's trustees
after he had been transported for compromising Captain llawksley's
Enter RosE MAYLIE.
RosE.-Away to London Bridge by moonlight!
BROWNLOW.-Away! [They depart.
SCENE 3.-London Bridge by moonlight. Real moon, real lamps, and
(consequently) real scenic artist called on.
Enter the DODGER.
DODGEa.-Nancy is going to peach, so I'll conceal myself and listen.
[Conceals himself in the centre of the stage.
Enter NANCY, MR. BROWNLOW, and ROSE MAYLIE.
NAecY.-Oliver is with Bill Sikes-where is the address; but oh,
save my Bill!
RosE.- We will, but take this halfpenny for your present necessi-
NANCY.-Thanks, I would prefer your handkerchief. I have a
natural taste for other people's handkerchiefs; and besides, it is worth
more. [Rosu gives it reluctantly, then ex.unt.
DooGER.-" This shall to the King !" [Exit.
ACT III.-Garret in St. Giles's. One side of it has fallen in. Fag endof
lease, very likely. Enter NANCv.
NA.NcY.-The boy Oliver is looked ,in yonder cupboard. But Mr.
Brownlow will soon be here to release him.
Enter SIKES, in a great rage.
NANCY.-Bill, dear Bill, you seem dnnoyed I
SIKES.-You have split upon us all, dear Nancy, and must die.
NANCY.-Oh say not so ; let me live and follow my natural proclivi-
ties. I will go and live in a cathedral town and work slippers for the
Dean and Chapter. [A murmur without.
SIKES.-Ha! the hounds are on my track. London is aroused, and
at this very moment is coming upstairs. That rope! [Seizes rope.
NANcy.-What would you do?
SIKEs.-I would escape.
[Goes through window on to roof, shoots NANCY as Mfr. BaOWN, OW and
French fish-girls break in, yells, and tumbles off the roof and (we hope)
is killed. Tableau. Curtain.
OURSELVES.-Ten irrelevant scenes, loosely strung together, and
giving no idea whatever of MR. DICKENS' novel. Acting for tio most
part too stagey and melodramatic. MIss HonsoN played Oliver charm-
ingly. MR. TOOLE funny, but overdrawn. Miss NELLY MOORE
played an extremely bad part extremely well.
Time the Avenger.
Ir is rumoured that a benevolent elderly gentleman is about to pre-
sent a lifeboat-" The Lucky Escape "-to the National Lifeboat Insti-
tution in grateful remembrance of a time in his early days when SIIE
threw him overboard; then, to his intense mortification, but now,
with a matured judgment, to his unspeakable joy. We sincerely hope
that the rumour is well founded and that the example will be
followed in every parallel case. Our coasts will then be well
How doth the Little Busy Bee ?
VERY indifferently, we should imagine-seeing how often it is to be
found in the cells."
[MAY 9, 1868.
Lyon v. Home.
IN common fairness to MR. HOME, FUN feels called upon to contra-
dict a statement which has appeared in most of the daily papers, to the
effect that:-When Mr. HOME was asked to give a specimen of his
power, there was a dead silence in Court; and much disappointment
was felt-especially amongst the ladies-that no manifestations took
place." This is incorrect. FUN was in Court, and during the pro-
ceedings was several times moved in violation of all the ordinary
rules of gravity."
Dropping on Them.
A MEDICAL witness at Leeds the other day described a patient who
was suffering from the habitual use of ardent spirits as having a
commercial traveller's tongue." The gentlemen of the road naturally
resent the imputation. It is, we cannot help thinking, unjust; people
should remember what work the tongue of a commercial traveller
has to do-and the wine he has to drink for "the good of the
THE COLLEGE FOR LADIES.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Snc,-I see that a college for ladies is to be established on the. true
Oxford and Cambridge model "-[here, if I may be allowed, I should
like to quote from The Princess something about "sweet girl-
graduates" ;-everybody does]-I venture to hope, sir, that the idea
will be strictly carried out, and that the appointment of "fellows"
in connection with the college will not be negatived by the old
Should it be determined that there are to be fellows at the college
for ladies, I trust you will give early notice of the necessary qualifica-
tions to a youth, who is- Yours, etc.,
A WILLING CANDIDATE.
CLEANLINESS is next to godliness" ;-granted, but we would
earnestly counsel the great unwashed" to shun Coldbath Fields.
SOL D-A BARGAIN.
Tomkcins has been attracted by the following advertisement :-
FOR SALE, a decided bargain.-A pony, carriage, and harness, for a mere trifle. Pony a good goer. Owner parts with
it only in consequence of, etc., etc.
Pony certainly proves a good goer, but he doesn't give his reasons for parting with the new owner.
Good Men for a Vacancy.
THE Pall Mall Gazette has been examining the diplomatic service,
&-propos of some remarks thereon made by MR. LAYARD in 1855, and
recently quoted in an article in that journal. It examines the list of
ambassadors, ministers, and secretaries, and points out that aristocratic
connections have more to do with diplomatic appointments than
merit has. Among the cases it gives-classifying the appointments as
"Lords, Honourables, noble families, and gentlemen"-it quotes Madrid,
Madrid.-Minister, SIR J. F. CRAMPTONi, BART. Secretary, vacant.
We suppose the secretary described as vacant belongs to "noble
families" as a connection of Loan DUNDREARY.
VISITOaS to our large City Banking Establishments very naturally
expect to find the most perfect order and decorum prevailing there,
yet we observe that the managers place prominently on the entrance
doors an invitation to "Push and "Pull." We expect_ shortly to be
requested to take a run on the bank."
One Man's Meat-Another Man's Poison.
ORIGINALITY, so desirable a gift in those who practise the fine
arts, is very much out of place in the commercial world. Many
an unfortunate holder of railway shares has had cause to rue the day
when his directors struck out a new line."
]p' 1f IN.-MAY 9, 1868.
MAY 9, 1868.] FUN. 97
INTERESTING RECORDS OF THE GOOSEFIELD CLUB.
FEW of our readers"-we quote from the respectable and interesting
columns of the Goosefield Gazette and Universal Intelligencer-" will re-
quire to be told that the Goosefield Club is an influential society
formed for the pursuit of intellectual, harmonious, elocutionary, and
convivial objects, as well as for the discussion of European affairs, and
holding its meetings, ordinary and extraordinary, at The Feathers
commercial and family hotel." Goosefield has produced-see Guide
to the scenery, antiquities, and municipal records of the Borough of
Goosefield," by A. GOSLING, M.G.C.-many remarkable men. There
is our noble and distinguished representative, the VISCOUNT LIvEWINwG,
M.P.; there is MaR. JAWKINS, our learned and eloquent Recorder;
there is Ma. CAGMAG, our condescending and patriotic Mayor; there
is ALDERMAN WATTLES, than whom, perhaps, no worthier a gentleman,
no uprighter a magistrate, no enlighteneder a citizen, no obliginger a
neighbour, no generouser a friend, nor no affectionater a husband and
parent ever stepped in boots of sublunary make; there is the REVEREND
SLocomB OVERY, perpetual incumbent of Goosefield; there is, though
not a townsman, still a near resident, SIR BLINKLSBY OWLBUSH, BART. ;
there is COLONEL GANDER, who so gallantly commands the Goosefield
yeomanry, when that famous corps can be mustered in sufficient
numbers to be commanded; there is MR. POTTLES-but who does not
know MR. POTTLES, and what can we say that shall gild the refined
gold or add a perfume to the violet of Ma. POTTLES's world-wide and
well-deserved popularity F There are a great many more Goosefieldian
celebrities, including the humble writer of these notes; nor must the
name of MR. TunEB, the respected landlord of The Feathers, be
omitted, though here we are compelled to terminate our list. The '
commerce of Goosefield is destined, we may confidently predict, to
maintain its flourishing condition so long as we can boast such enter-
prising fellow-townsmen as MESSRS. T. IOTT AND SON, the far-famed
silversmiths of High-street, by whom, we are credibly informed, orders
on any scale, no matter how large, are carried out with the utmost
despatch and at the lowest possible prices, repairs are executed with a
neatness perfectly marvellous, crests and initials are engraved in the
highest style attainable by artistic skill (arms being found if neces-
sary), and plate is lent for wedding breakfasts, evening parties, &c.
We have the authority of MESSRS. T. POTT AND SON for stating that
they have no connection with any other establishment.
EXTRACTS FROM THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE GOOBEFIELD
The annual meeting of this Club shall be held at Michaelmas.
There shall be ordinary meetings on Wednesday and Saturday nights
throughout the year.
Any gentleman being desirous of being elected a member of this
Club must be proposed and seconded respectively by two several
members of this club, and must sign, together with a request to be
elected a member of this club, an obligation to comply with the rules
and regulations of this club, in case of his election.
The committee shall have power to elect all distinguished persons,
native or foreign, to be members of this Club, and shall not be required
to submit the names of such distinguished persons for the approval of
any meeting of this club, or for ballot by its members.
COMMENTS ON THE FOREGOING EXTRACTS AND UPON VARIOUS MATTERS
IN CONNECTION WITH THE GOOSEFIELD CLUB.
It will be within the recollection of many by whom this column is
perused that, at the last Michaelmas meeting of the Goosefield Club,
dinner was laid for upwards of forty-two members, and that the chair
on that occasion was taken by LORD LIVERWING, M.P., his lordship
being supported by his lordship's brother, the HON. AUGUSTUS GIZZARD,
of the 5th Life Guards (Green); by MA. CAOMAG, Mayor of Goose-
field; by MR. JAWKINS, Recorder; by ALDEuMAN WATTLES; by Ma.
POTTLES : and by the REv. SLOCOMB OvaEn. The dinner was served
in friend TUBES'S best style, the wines being of the most recherchd
character for which the cellars of that well-conducted hostelry, the
Feathers, are famed throughout the world. It is a pleasing re-
miniscence of the banquet, that the table was ornamented, in addition
to the plate which belongs to the establishment, by a selection of
beautiful objects designed and manufactured in silver by our public-
spirited friends of No. 47, High-street, MESRSis. T. POTT AND SON,
whose fame needs no fulsome trumpeting; though it is necessary to
state that, in their prompt execution of all orders, no matter how
extensive or how comparatively trifling, they disclaim connection
with any other house in the trade.
The rule which empowers the committee of the Goosefield Club to
elect distinguished personages, without the troublesome form of con-
sulting the tastes, or, mayhap, the prejudices, of members, has had an
effect which might, indeed, have been expected of so simple and
easy a plan, but which is not the less pleasing to contemplate.
Using discreetly the power at their command, the committee have
elected the PaINCE OP WALES, the CoMMANDER-In-CHIEF, the whole
of the peerage, about two-thirds of the House of Commons, a large
proportion of the Clergy List, the EMPEROR OF AUSTRIA, COUNT
BISMARCK, GENERAL GARIBALDI, THE EMPEROR OF THE 'FRENCH,
ALFRED TENNISON, ESQ., THE PRINCE OF TECK, MONSIEUR BLONDIN,
SIR C. WENTWORTH DILEIB, BART., POET CLOSE, THE LORDS Or
THE ADMIRALTY, THE ASTRONOMER ROYAL, EX-GOVERNOR EYRE, MR.
BEALES, M.A., THE SULTAN OP TURKEY, THE LonRD MAYORS OF
LONDON AND DUBLIN, SIR RODERICK MURCHISON, MR. COLE, C.B.,
PROFESSORS FAWCEIT AND RISLEY, AIMR. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, THE
EMPEROR OF CHINA, THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY, THE
AUTHOR OF "The Gentle Life," THE KING OF ITALY, THE POPE,
THE ARCHBISHOPS OF CANTERBURY AND YORK, THE CHAIRMAN OF
THE METROPOLITAN BOARD OF WORKS, THE REVEREND C. H.
SPURGEON, and several hundred men of eminence beside. Our
excellent representative, LORD LIVERWING, M.P., was elected a
member of the Goosefield Club without ballot; though there can be
no question that he would have passed that ordeal in triumph. It
was shortly after his lordship's election that a service of plate, con-
sisting of a tooth-pick and cheese toaster, manufactured by MESSRS.
T. POTT AND SON, 47, High-street, was presented to his lordship by a
select body of his friends and admirers.
WHEN woman by the sterner sex
Is thwarted of her will;
The brute's unfeeling heart to vex
She has one method still.
To all his arguments and laws
She has one safe reply:
To fill his statute book with flaws
She only needs-a cry I
Good-bye to reason and to right
When woman's tears o'erflow:
The man declines th' unequal fight
And owns his overthrow.
If right and reason perish, both,
He lets them with a sigh,
And woman conquers, nothing loth,
And conquers by-a cry.
But woe is me, that I should see
A clever ruling man,
The leader of the ministry,
Adopt the woman's plan.
When overpowering bands oppose
He sinks his bearing high,
And womanlike to meet his foes
Has nothing but-a cry !
SOME of the young gentlemen of the Pall Mall Gazette, probably
in the course of some of their Latin exercises, have discovered that here and
there will be found people who cannot correctly construe uer bono "
and vidi tantum." The discovery is nothing very wonderful, for
anyone with the least pretensions to a grounding in Latin inust know
the proper meaning of the phrases. But our Pall Mall scholar is very
delighted with his cleverness in finding out what every schoolboy
knows, and so gives us quite a long essay on the subject. But he
allows his rapture to become so violent as to make him ungrateful
when he pompously advises "the comic school in general" to abstain
from stock classical quotations. When the editor of the Pall Mall
reflects that one comic paper alone has had frequent occasion-and has
been kind enough to take the trouble to avail itself thereof-to teach
the Pall Mall more, we won't say simply of Latin, but also of English
than he ever learnt at school-he will, we are sure, regret the insertion
of that incautious little sentence.
A COUNTRY PAPER describing a recent inundation stated that:-
"The foot-bridge at Main was carried down the stream and landed in the sea."
The only way in which we can account for the bridge being landed in
the see is by supposing that the land called Main is the ocean, and
that the sea is the Main-land in those parts.
Latest from Abyssinia.
A CORRESPONDENT informs us that during the whole campaign he
has not met with a single specimen of the much talked-of pink-
headed fly." Our correspondent adds, however, thathe has lately seen
several thousands of the woolly -hoadedfly."
[MAY 9, 1868.
Toil up the Hill of Muswell. Gain the summit and enjoy the landscape. Mr. DISTIT tests the acoustics of the building.
THE ALEXANDRA RACE COURSE.
BY oUR ow GANDxn.
MoNsrsUR I. RBnDACTEUR,-Behold me! as my incomparable com-
patriot M. FECHTER ceases never to remind you-I am here !
Here at the Grand Cristal Palais de Muscle Hills. The symposium
des peoples, the new course for the sport, the horserazors, the grand-
stand; resort of all who like me myself are penetrated of the joqui,
who call themselves, in the mot of the musichall, Crique a 1'irai-
" Chic a 'irai cove." Language of the gutter, the Palace de Geneve.
These others who are with me at the Palace of the Muscle Hil ., they
are of the up higher-class-but all the more then do they call themselves
remember, Sir, that I was happy of possessing myself in four high step-
flyers and the two mules (mulets de theatre), which I sent to your
braves of the army of Abyssinia. Accept, therefore, my effusive con-
gratulations that you have thus enabled yourselves to the achievement
of a victory of the most brilliant. For me I go once more to make
myself the votary of le sport. Ah, oui, yes! I devote myself to
the rough-ride-the horso school, the hijiccup, the ourdle race. I am
once more the veritable joqui. I perspire myself of the blankets ; I
devour the raw bifstek, and at the end I find myself here at
your Muscleshills, penetrated of the noble courses of the race, of the
champagne picturesque, the superbe palace; above all (Vive la joie !)
of your English lonche, your dejeuner, where but for that there is no
" Then there is a good deal of eating and drinking.
A little speech-making. "No smoking allowed" follows.
by the names of "Champagne Charley" and the rest; for here in your flesh of horses all would be of perfection. Behold me then at the
country, phlematique, impenetrable, orgueilleux, all of your aristocra- table filled of effusion and the wines of France. Me who have entered
tique is now centred of itself with such epithetiques of the gutter and myself to run on that grandstand. Behold, too, the great silver
the gins-shops. It is then only to say, Vive le joie, Vive le bagatelle ; plateaux, the silver cup ; the cheque upon the table; prizes of the
and as we climb to the Hills of your Muscles, Vive le Musclebills! For, vainqueur; the winner. That winner, who shall not know him, Sir ?
monsieur, one found it necessary to ascend and to regret that the Behold him, I say! He is here! Yes, Monsieur, my Loan ELKING-
youth of our gymnastique was never to return except by labour of the TON, you are the maker of these plates. It is well, Sir. They will
trapeze and the horseride. It is to the latter I still devote myself, for change hands and decorate my buffet. I drink, Sir, to LORD ELKING-
my office which I had opened myself in to inauguration of the fete TON, who is himself of the most knowing in horses since that affair of
hippophagique, it is desolated of me since you English like too much the ELKINGTON tournaments the fete chevalresque. I drink, Sir, to
of the ox-cow-beef to consummate the flesh of your horses. You will you, for I also am of the Chic a l'irai coves. JEAN GODIN.
The night passed by one (if not many) of the Visitors was peculiar.
MAY 9, 1868.]
THE MAID AND THE MAGPIE.
Mocx me not, I'm sorrow-laden,
For a story I have heard,
Of a most pugnacious maiden
And an irritable bird.
Miss FRANCESCA BELLICOSA
Looks demure, but then she knows a
Thing or two, for it is said
She had lovers in the Indies,
East as well as in the West,
Some enjoying scalping shindies,
Others not discreetly drest.
Strange to say, this funny lady
Future difficulties saw,
Thought that savages were shady,
Turned her nose up at a squaw.
To a friend she said, Do you rate
Nigger lovers at a thank?
I will wed a common curate,
And his name it shall be FRANK!"
And she found him, yes, she found him;
In a village with a cow,
With her cruel curls she bound him,
Took him valiantly in tow.
Made him dance and sing and battle,
Pinched her future black and blue,
Made him give up colds and cattle,
Said his sermons would not do.
When in thought she travelled back, say,
To the past in girlish fun,
She kept sighing what will JACK say,
When he hears what I have done ?
She, unnerv'd, the parlour door then
Closed concealing every crack,
And the fatal news she bore then
To her magpie-that was JACK.
She began with scratch of noddle,
Titillation of the wing,
Called him Tootsicum and Toddle,
Icksy, Tricksy, littlee sing."
Then she whispered after coaxing,
Oh! my darling, you I'll thank,
If you'll only-I'm not hoaxing-
Say now garrulously FBAx !"
But the magpie was capricious,
And he would not hear of it,
Oh! his virtue was delicious,
Call him FRANK ? No, not a bit.
GEORGE or ABRAHAMt or SIMON,
ToM or HARRY he would squeak,
ARTHUR, VALENTINE, or TIMON,
Only FaN X he would not speak.
Miss FRANCESCA boiling over,
Changed from softness into rage,
Threatened him with green baize cover,
In the daylight, on his cage.
Still she shrieks, "say FRANK, you devil,
JACK, you wretch, I hate you so ;"
But this naughty bird of evil,
Merely chuckles, Not for JOE."
LOOKS INTO BOOKS.
IN those who do not know how such things are managed, the
appearance of the paragraph mysteriously heralding Horse and Foot;
or, Pilgrims to Parnassus, and enlarging on the excitement felt in certain
circles about the work, raised expectations that will probably be dis-
appointed when MR. RIcHA~D CRAWLEY's satire-we presume it is in-
tended for a satire-is placed in their hands. It is a pity that the praise
of injudicious friends, scarcely qualified to pronounce on the merit of
literary work, should have hurried this young gentleman into print.
What satisfies the critical minds of a college wine or "breakfast"
will hardly throw the world at large into raptures. Rude, young, and
yet not novel opinions about some of the principal writers of the present
day would hardly command much attention if presented in a prose essay.
When diluted and drawn off into about eight hundred and fifty lines of
feeble verse, they will probably find still fewer readers. We have read
the satire from beginning to end, and cannot find in it a single forcible
line. With some of the opinions most people will agree:-at others
they will probably laugh, and they will forgive the whole as the pre-
sumption of a smart young man, who so far imitates PKaom tLriu s that
he creeps up into OL'MPUS, not to steal fire, but to let off his little
home-made squib in the hopes of singeing somo deity's beard. Mt.
CHAWLEY does whatwe suppose he would call satirize BROWNINO,
TENNYSON, WORDSWORTH, and other poets, and then modestly puts on
"I'll not march through Coventry with them, that's flat!"
And flat it is I If we may judge from his present workmanship, he
won't even be one of the tagrag and bobtail that follow every march-
ing regiment. We could point out plenty of errors in his writing, but
will content ourselves by showing how defective he is in the mere
journey-work of rhyming. "Coming" and women "-" view" and
"review "-" well and Holywell "-" stares and stairs "-
these are a few of the "rhymes" of the young gentleman who sets
himself up as a judge of English poetry. He had better stick to the
" beautiful lines of JUVENAL which he lauds in his amusing pompous
little notes with all the gusto of a young scholar; and road Porn and
DRYDEN whom he praises, but with whose writings his own productions
prove him to be but slightly acquainted.
The best thing in the book is the dedication, which is a very passable
copy of verses. To criticise Mit. CRAWLEY'S juvenile effort is like
crushing on a wheel the painted butterfly to which he alludes in
these lines. Still, gardeners will tell you that if you wish to prevent
the increase of caterpillars you must crush butterflies-whether with a
wheel or a heel is unimportant. And when the ordinary domestic fly,
fresh-blown and over-excited by a recent orgie in the sugar-basin, or
the bottom of a wine-glass, comes buzzing about under the impression
that he is a wasp at least, if not a hornet, the necessity for crushing-
if it be only with an unromantic fly-flapper-becomes still more
The volume is turned out as Mu. HOTTrw always turns outhis books,
tastefully and well. The neat binding, superfine paper, and luxurious
print he has bestowed upon Horse and 1,oot are worthy of a better
A Fact for Le Follet.
THE tide of Fashion having set in a new direction, an untidy style
of coiffure is coming in vogue. In fact, what with the prevailing tint
and the increasing disorder of their heads, the fair sex may be fairly
described as "rough and reddy." Under these circumstances it has
been decided by the leaders of fashion to supersede the term chevelure
by the more accurate word-dishevellure.
[We cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelops; but oe do not hold ourselves
responsible for loss.1
OLD HARRY.-Doesn't come of the Old Harry stock racy.
VEGETARIAN.-That a-potato clock" joke again!
COMICAL tells us that he sends "a few scratches written at leisure." He
should have written them in haste, and kept his leisure for better employ-
ment. His scratches," not being up to the scratch, are scratched.
W. E. K. (Brighton.)-That's not the way we spell it-we should use
an A between the E and the K.
S. R. G. J. (Barnsbury) should understand politics before he attempts to
make designs for political cartoons.
PEncv.-We fear your motto must not be Esperance."
MUCH AmIss.-We wish you were more a master" of the art of punning.
PAT (Sudbury).-When your friends learn that you have written to beg
us to "find a corner in either this or next week's FUN" for the riddle
about a vegetable timepiece and a potato-clock, we trust they will see the
necessity of taking care of you.
FLO.-Not a flow of wit.
C. A. B.-Sketch awaits your call.
F. P. I.-Thanks.
J. H. K. (Great Queen-street.)--Under consideration.
M. C. (Dorchester.)-Thanks.
ALTER Eoo.-Well, we hope if you do, you will alter for the better!
X. L.-X. L.-hence!
OMEGA.-What you call "a happy little epigram" seems to us a
wretched little epigram. The subject, anent mites, a jawbone, and SAMPSON,
is good, but not your own. The drawing is unintelligible-and why, pray,
sign it "Bab" F
Declined with thanks:-T. N., Moorgate-street; Grenade, Enniskillen;
T. T., Camberwell; J. F., Corporation-street; Scribbler; H. A. W.,
Manchester; J. N.; F. G., Strand; Sam Dingles, Tipton; J. B. T.,
Brixton; Emily; Guy's; Sarar, Colchester; Shipper; H. J. S.; J. M. L.,
Manchester-square; H. S. ; Tenax; W. G., Portland-place; W. M.,
Notting-hill; J. R.; J. E., Liverpool; Asmodeus; R. W. B., Burton-
crescent; A Regular Reader, Clarges-street; Miss E. H., Everton; W. T.,
Chester; W. H. S.; I. 0. U.; F. B.; S. BR. T., Waterford; T. W. J.,
[MAY 9, 1868.
Emily thinks that the author of The Girl of the Period" should be present, to take a sketch of The Young Man of the Period," as seen with
the naked eye on the platform at Station.
WE have met with an advertisement in the Kemel Hempstead Observer
which is a complete answer to the common objection of carping critics
that MR. DIcxENS's characters are not true to real life. The notice to
which we allude states that a firm of auctioneers are about to sell:-
"On the -th day of May, 1868, at two o'clock precisely, in Three Lots, and
- FARMS, comprising about 130 Acres of Freehold Land, let respectively to
Mr. and Mr. (yearly tenants), at rents amounting to 153 10s. per
annum; and situate in the parishes of Woking, Chobliam, and Harsett, in a
populous district, and in the immediate neighbourhood of the Knapp-hill Convict
Prison, tne Brookwood Lunatic Asylum, the Reformatory School at Bisley, and
the Woking Cemetery, and close to the Woking and Brookwood Stations."
When experienced auctioneers hold out as an inducement, to per-
suade farmers to purchase these estates, the proximity of a prison, a
lunatic asylum, a reformatory, and a cemetery, who shall say that that
jolly agriculturist, Mr. Mark Tapley, is not a type of his class ?
A Learned Society.
THE Royal Geographical Society has done a good many foolish things
but it has at length found a task which is a most suitable one. It is
about to organise an expedition to the Assinie River. Parva parvis
placent-and the R. G. S. selected this Assinine labour of its own
NonODY beneath the rank of a viscount, say the newspapers, was
admitted to the honour of a place in St. Patrick's Hall, at the banquet
after the Installation of H.R.H. the PRINCE or WALES. And yet,
H.R.H., in a very gracious reply to the speech of the Lord Lieutenant,
who had proposed the at all times and in all places popular toast,
" The Health of the Prince and Princess of Wales," remarked that the
restoration of the magnificent cathedral in which he, the Prince, had
just received the insignia of the Order instituted by his great grand-
father, George III., was an act of munificence on the part of a private
gentleman of Ireland; "whose name," said H.R.H., "is so well-
known that I need not mention it to you, more particularly as I have
the pleasure of seeing him at the table." From this it is plain that Sie
BENJAMIN LEE GUINNESS has been raised from the rank of a Baronet
to that of a Viscount at the very least. Greater marks of Royal favour
have been conferred on less deserving persons, ere now.
Wonders will never cease.
THAT some portions of our coast are slowly but surely receding by
reason of the encroachments of the sea is a well-known fact; but we
were not prepared to hear from a friend, who has a villa on the banks
of the Thames, that, looking out of window one morning, he found the
whole of his lawn "sloping to the .river.
OSWEGO PREPARED CORN,
For Puddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
No similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
______ ^ ^ ______________________f
Printed by JUE.D & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, a Wd published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-London : May 9, 1808.
MAY 16, 1868.] FU N. 101
LIFE IN LODGINGS.
SHE philosopher who pens these essays hopes
that his readers will give him credit for a
regard for the purity of the English tongue,
which would forbid his using a slang term
if there were only a complete equivalent in
polite language. After due consideration,
he is compelled to admit reluctantly that
there is no noun substantive that can
adequately describe the lodging-house do-
mestic except slavey." The lodging-
house domestic is as distinct from the
ordinary servant as the donkey is from the
i horse. Like the former animal it is small,
strong and enduring, but stubborn, and at
times refractory. The workhouses appear
to have the monopoly of supply, and send
out the article young, as a sort of raw
material. What becomes of it in a finished
state it is impossible to say, as no instance
has ever been met with of an aged slavey ;
a fact which has induced some naturalists to suppose it is the larva, or
grub, which after passing through the pupa stage as a general servant,
emerges at last as the imago, or housemaid-where-a-footman-is-kept.
No definite conclusion has, however, yet been arrived at on this
The specimen enshrined in the margin is The Musical Slavey'
(&S. vociferans). In addition to doing the general drudgery for the
whole house she is perpetual nurse to that wonderful natural produc-
tion the lodging-house baby. How she contrives to combine the duties
of nurse with the labours of a maid-of-all-work is a mystery, but it is
believed that when bringing up the coals, or the breakfast-tray, she
carries the infant in her mouth, a practice observable in the feline tribe
also. Her knowledge of music is limited to the popular Music-hall
tunes, which it is surmised she picks up from hearing the butcher
and baker whistle them, while waiting for orders. To these divine
harmonies she weds the words of the old nursery rhymes and legends.
An example of her repertoire is subjoined:-
AIa:-"The Mousetrap Man."
Feeee! Fooooh! Fee, fi, fo, Fun !
I smell, the ber-lood, of an En-ger-lish-man!
Whether he be alive, or whether he be dead,
I'll gri-ind, his bo-erns, to ma-ake, my BREAD !
The instrument on which she generally accompanies herself is a wooden
chair, which she rocks backwards and forwards with a "thump-
thump that is rather trying to ears unaccustomed to the music of the
savage tribes. As, however, her opportunities of sitting down are
limited, she generally confines herself to vocal harmony alone.
"The Sniggering Slavey" (S. subridens).
S- consists, strictly speaking, of two varieties.
The first is afflicted with a morbid apprecia-
tion of humour which compels her to grin in
a gurgling manner at the most common-
place remarks. The second appears to labour
under the delusion (fostered by her evident
total abstinence from consultations of the
looking-glass) that she has pretensions to
good looks. How far such a delusion is
justified could only be ascertained by a pro-
cess analogous to the scraping-down and
scrubbing of Temple-bar, as she contracts a
chronic griminess from her habit of conceal-
ing her giggles in a shame-faced manner
S) J behind her hand, or the coal-shovel, or any
other domestic implement, without regard to
has been known to give little convulsive
plunges and kicks, and say, "G'long, do!"
"The Familiar, or Garrulous Slavey" (8. ahenea*), is an animal of
frequent occurrence. She will, on the slightest provocation, knock off
any work she may be engaged upon, and join, with the utmost con-
descension, in any conversation that may be going on. Her air is
patronising, not to say loftily compassionate. She is fond of treating
your remarks with irony-" Oh, yes! Don't you make no mistake
neither. I pities you! Wouldn't you like it just, I dare say!"
From as, brass :-inde "free and sesy."-Schol.
Although her conversation is edifying and
instructive, it is doubtful whether its ad-
vantages are not counterbalanced by her
defiant and impracticable bearing. She
generally finishes her course with a battle
royal with her mistress, and goes away at
a minute's notice with her boxes," the
courtesy title given to the battered
bonnet-box and small bundle which
generally comprise her wardrobe and
l \ "The Timid Slavey" (S. trepidula), is
S generally young and neat, with some pro-
tensions to good looks. But for her in-
ability to speak above a whisper, and her
nervousness, which is fruitful of breakages
Sif you happen to address her suddenly, she
would be a desirable domestic. She is
almost always bullied in the most cruel
way by her mistress, which gives her a
chronic air of misery that is depressing
and painful. As might be expected of
her timorous nature, she has a profound
respect for everything that is strong and
majestic, and is, therefore, suspected of
being a prey to a secret but devouring
passion for the policeman on the beat.
"The Idiotic, or
Phantom Slavey "
(8. desipiens), is an
irritating and un-
mal. She is in-
and slovenly, and
she talks or gibbors
through her nose,
her mouth being
owing to the permanent flaccidity of the muscles
of the lower jaw. She flaps about with the
vagueness of an owl at midday, and her memory
is about as retentive as a tub with the bottom
out. She is suspected, not without reason, of
small pilfering propensities, and is not to be
trusted alone with the sugar-basin. She has a
pleasant habit of denying you to people whom
you wish to see, and then when, expostulated
with, trshes into the opposite extreme, and would ask a sheriff's officer
into your room and prevail on him to take a chair and await your
return. She is given to lighting the fire with papers whose preserva-
tion you are desirous of ensuring; and is calculated to reduce a strong-
minded lodger to a state of imbecility little removed from her own.
"The Contemptuous Slavey" (S.
superba), takes every opportunity of
showing you how thoroughly she de-
spises you. She never obeys an order with-
out sneering, and takes especial delight
in snubbing you before your friends. It
is conjectured that she reads the Penny
Thriller, and is a constant subscriber to
the Halfpenny Romancer, to the editor of
which she frequently addresses letters,
seeking the solution of social questions
has read herself into the belief that she
is fated to become united to a haughty
noble-a marquis for choice. In order
to prepare herself for her future exalted
station, she practises aristocratic hauteur '
towards the lodgers with signal effect.
Up to the latest advices, no marquis has
ever been known to turn-up.
It may be some selfish satisfaction to -_-- J
the lodger to reflect that if the Slavey
embitters his existence, her own life is not one of unmitigated bliss.
She rarely knows what a Sunday out" means. All that she sees of
the world is its boots as it passes the area railings. Her knowledge
of the works of nature is confined to a study of the habits of black
beetles and the growth of blue mould. Her days are days of ill-
requited and unrecognised toil, and her nights are nights of broken
rest in a turn-up bed in a stone-floored kitchen.
Between her and the lodger there is one common bond of
sympathy. Both are the victims of the Landlady.
VOL. VII. K
[MAY 16, 1868.
OUR U N-D 0NE LETTER. the illustrations this month, and I cannot see why Gu- LIVINGSTONE
U R F Should crib other people's stories-even though he acknowledges the
Cuf AM much afraid I have got into sad arrear London Society is hardly as good as usual in its art this month.
A with my picture galleries. The Institute Waiting for the Princess is weak and amateurish, and the Monday
of Water Colours is open with a good col- Pop," sketches are unsatisfactory. MR. LAWSON'S drawing is nice, but
election of pictures. The best things on the he has so managed his perspective that his figures seem sliding out of
walls are contributed by MEsses. WERNER, the picture d la montagne Busse. Mi. JAMES GREENWOOD puts a good deal
V ACHEn, E. WARREN, TELBIN, SHALDERS, of sound sense and telling arTument into the mouth of Mr. William
PIDGEON, MOOFORD, PROUT, HINE, PHILP, and Spavinger, who discourses on Hippophagy in a manner not
HAYES among the members, and by MESSRS. calculated to delight MR. BICKNELL or MR. FORSYTH. There are one
CATTERMOLE, BACH, LIs TON, and BEAvs among or two other excellent papers in the number-notably the "Piccadilly
the associates. I am glad to see MR. MAHONEy the well-known draughts- Papers but how came their author to overlook such a slip as The
man among the newly-elected. Among the honorary members the Conservative party has got their work marked out ?" Ma.BucHANAN'S
Institute boasts RosA BoNHEuR, and GALLAIT, and MR. MILLAIS. At spring lyric is very charming. In the Sunday Magazine are some
the French Gallery Ma. WALLIS has gathered a notable collection of excellent drawings-especially the illustration to the Seaboard
foreign works of art-not the least important being MEIssoNIER's Parish" on page 480. Ma. WOLFF supplies a spirited illustration of
"Rixe "-so familiar as a photograph. The GEOsME I do not care Miss FrvIx's pleasing lines to May-time," and Ma. HOUGHTON gives
so much for, but there are excellent examples of ALMA-TADEMA, the a forcible picture of the gaming table at Baden. It is rather startling
BoNHEUBS, DAUBIGNY, the FRERES, LAMBINET, and last but not least to find a description of Baden in a Sunday periodical, but I was more
S aCHREYER. MR. GAMBAnT at his new rooms, in King-street, St. James's, astonished to meet in the article a sentence of quite a Biglow and
is exhibiting MR. HOLMAN HUNT'S Isabella with the pot of Basil "- Yankee turn-a sentence that the pious would have condemned in the
undoubtedly the finest thing he has painted. Although the painting profane-" The Creator of the world is too many for those who try to
of the details is marvellously careful and realistic, the broad effect of elude his laws." In Good Words the Working Man's Courtship "
the picture does not suffer. It is, I think, almost a pity that the picture comes too early to an end. There are some good papers in the number,
should have been at all connected with KEATS 's version of the story. and the illustrations are quite up to the average.
MR. HUNT'S Isabella is the Isabella of BoccAcio not of KEATS-a
passionate Italian woman feeling deeply wronged, not a lovesick
and weak girl. I can recommend a visit to the Pall Mall Gallery, L A D Y V .
where KAULBAeA's drawings and some other works by German masters A u v
are on view, if only for the sake of the picture of "Dorothea" sur-
rounded by admiring birds, beasts, and fishes. Will itbe believed that ERILY, verily LADY V.
among the creatures depicted as paying homage to her beauty is a fat There's a wondrous charm in your
old mother frog who has crawled out on the edge of the basin of the maiden face,
fountain-followed by a promising little family of tadpoles This is You're out in the world, and still I see
throwing a new light on the domestic habits of the Batrachians that A heart of a saint'neath your Bond-
will startle the naturalists. I street lace
THE Royal Literary Fund Dinner has been held under the presidency You're pretty-why look in the toilet
of Mr. DISRAELI, who has cleverly availed himself of the opportunity C glass ?
to avenge his wrongs on the literary craft. He stated that literary You re gay, and at kettledrums take
men, the teachers and leaders of intellect, are such impracticable fools f your tea;
that their liven and careers cannot be regulated by the ordinary rules ( But when did a half-starved creature
of prudence which wisely and properly regulate the conduct of ordi- pass,
nary men," and he thought it a fine thing that instead of having to And unrewarded by LADY V. ?
appeal to common charity," they should have a dilettante Board They say very cynical things, I know,
of Guardians to relieve them. The Literary Fund is, I do not hesitate They say very cynical things, I know,
to say, an insult and a wrong to literature. It is not a combination of Of giddy young girls we chance to
literary men, but a coterie of distinguished patrons, who spend a good meet;
deal of other peoples' money to relieve "distressed authors." The We hear vary often of so and so,
secrecy of their proceedings conceals the fact that the relief is afforded What most men chatter and few
not to real working men of literature but to small scribblers and un- repeat;
successful amateurs. But the result of their efforts is to establish an 0 Though women are silly, and girls are
impression that literature and pauperism are convertible terms. The fast,
very report of their dinner condemns them :-there are barely three Or empty-headed, we all agree,
real literary men to be found in the list of those who sat down to the Men ought to be lucky who find at last
feast, and the toast of "Poetry and Imaginative Literature was re- (And we do find) women like LADYV.
sponded to by a Mr. VENABLES, of whom nobody seems to know any-
thing, whose name is not discoverable in such a catholic collection as Now isn't it odd, though idiots paint,
Men of the Times, and who-unless he be the President of the Royal And into great pyramids twist their
Academy, the Solicitor-General, or the Crown Agent for Scotland-is hair ;
of so little importance that he is omitted from the published list I For fear of dresses though mortals
of guests. mayn't
IN Temple Bar this month there is a paper of "Recollections of a Go unconcernedly down the stair;
Provincial Editor," by MR. JAMES HANNAY, which is full of humour. Though fierce philippics appearing print,
"On Lake Nicaragua" is telling, and the new novel, "Kitty," opens t Of whatis not, andofwhatshouldbe;
with great effect. I can't say I like "The Story of Pauline," but on Stillmore have eyes to perceivethe mint
the whole the number is good, and I am glad to see TB.-always a Of womanly wisdom in LADY V.
favourite of mine-looking so vigorous. In the Cornhill, Miss EDWARDS In the saddle-no matter how late-at ten,
gives us another of her exquisite drawings of the WALKER school; and In the saddle-no matter how late-pat ten,
Ma. LAWsON shows a marked improvement in his picture to "Avonhoe She roe n her breast, and a rose-pink face;
although the extremities are a little queer. "Recollections of Gibson, he canters on midst a score of men,
Punishment in Days of Old," and The Journal of Captain Thomp- And holds her own in the English race;
son will be found pleasant reading. Moreover, there is an excellent She meets queer customers there of course,
paper on DIBDIN, by-as I guess from internal evidence-MR. JAMES On the ride of tan and beneath the tree;
HANNAY. Tinsleys' Magazine is a capital number this month, con- But she only laughs as she reins her horse,
training the best chapters of "Dr. Brady," in which DR. RUSSELL draws To bow to a vassal of LADY V.
the Russian War with a freer hand than he could employ as "Our With never a thought of the hearts she's won,
Own Correspondent." The re-appearance of the papers on "Paris Nor clothed in a Puritan garb of grey;
Fashions" will bo generally welcomed, and the illustrations-excluding She mixes worth in a whirl of fun,
the Boat-Race one-are good. Broadway has two noteworthy papers, And sets her task in her own wild way;
one on the American view of copyright, and the other-hardly as That times are bad is the well-worn cry,
exhaustive and trenchant as it should be-on art critics. A letter Which was, and is, and which still must be;
from MaR. BELL, touching his Guard's Memorial, is another essay on an But let's philosophize, you and I,
art critic, Ma. PALGRAvR, which is modest and effective. I don't like And rest contented with LADY V.
MAY 16, 1868.]
A FEW PLAIN TRUTHS ABOUT THE ROYAL
THE Academy Exhibition of 1868 will be remarkable in after years
for two things-for its extraordinary badness, and for the incapacity
or partiality displayed by the hanging committee. That committee
consisted of Ma. MACLISE, MR. S. Cooran, and MA. CALDERON. No
one will for a moment suppose or believe that the first-named gentle-
man has had any influence in the matter. For MR. COOPER the best
that can be said is that the pictures which he exhibits justify some
doubts of his ability to pass any valuable opinion on art. MR. CAL-
DERON represents "the young blood," over the introduction of which
in late years we have, I fear, too prematurely rejoiced. If the young
blood" is to assert itself much more, the sooner the association aban-
dons the title of the Royal Academy of England, which it disgraces,
and adopts the more appropriate designation of the St. John's Wood
Mutual Improvement Society, the better for all concerned. MR.
MILLAIS even has had, in the skying of one of his best pictures, to pay
the penalty for non-residence in the blissful sylvan shades of the N.W.
The official hanging committee, however, must not be allowed to
monopolise all the discredit. It is nousecret that there is a self-elected
and officious hanging committee, to whose impartial judgment, no
doubt, the works of MEssss.WALRD, HOESLEY, and FRITH, among others,
owe their prominent places on the line. These gentlemen, then, may
have the pleasure of sharing among them the reprobation of all good
judges and true lovers of art.
On a rough calculation more than half the pictures of any important
size are portraits-and very bad portraits too. Why should the line
and the larger portion of space be given up to works, whose exhi-
bition cannot benefit art, and will not profit the painter. It is to be
hoped that when the new buildings are erected a limbo will be set
aside for the exhibition of likenesses, if the vanity of sitters and painters
must be gratified. If half the portraits had been excluded and some at
least of the inferior works of Academicians-say, of MESSRa. WARD,
COPE, PICKERSGILL, HORSLEY, DOBSON, FRITH, FROST, HART, LEE and
LE JEuNE-had been, if not rejected, at all events relegated to the place
they deserve, there would have been room for the display of the best
pictures, which are now elevated to the. ceiling or degraded to the floor.
Why is MR. MACOALLUM's "Sherwood" (648) stuck over a door-
way while MR. CoPE's feverish "Volunteer Captain" (588) figures on
the line ? Ma. BRETT'S Christmas" (624), MR. BARNES'S Ophelia "
(576), MR. GoODWIN'S "Woodman" (629), MR. HAYES'S "Fishing
Boats (278), are pictures that deserve to be seen, whereas it would be
a kindly consideration for the reputation of the painters themselves to
remove Ma. LEE'S "Taw" (108), MR. HART'S "Sabbath Eve (85),
MR. WAnD's "Marriage" (150), and MR. PICKERSGILL'S Columbus"
(198), as far from critical observation as possible. What credit will
MR. O'NEILL'S "Waterloo" (247) win him, except for the servility
with which he has repeated the composition of his Eastward Ho ? "
What would be thought of Ma. FROST'S Aurora and Zephyr" (433),
if instead of being on the line within the building it were chalked, as
it appears to be, on a paving-stone in the square ?
We shall return to the consideration of the Exhibition next week,
but we cannot close this notice without asking what excuse the hangers
can frame for their exclusion of MR. SANBYS'S "Medea," a picture
which every one who had been the round of the studios declared (and
justly) would be one of the finest pictures of the year? Are these
gentlemen afraid of the nobler and better art practised by such artists
as MR. SANDYs and MR. HOLMAN HuNT-artists who have resolutely
maintained the dignity and independence of their profession, and are
therefore unfortunately not members of the Academy? Had they
belonged to that body it is hardly likely that English art would have
gone without even the recognition of "honourable mention" at the
late Paris Exhibition. Cliqueism, exclusiveness, and unfairness on the
part of the Academy are accountable for the disgrace thus brought
upon England. It is high time that the Academy should hear the
truth, though it may not be so pleasant as after-dinner orations. It
must be kept to its duty, and compelled to deal fairly and honestly.
ONE of the ores of the Oxford eight employed in the recent contest
has been added as a specimen of the Darbishire spar to the museum of
the Geological Society.
THE Scientifie Review, dpropos of a discovery recently made by a
Spanish savant, SENOR Josf LANDERER, heads an article, "How to
Economise a Battery." We venture to recommend the perusal of the
paper to the Ordnance Department, which, if we may judge from
recent returns and the increased expenditure on our armaments, is very
deficient in 'his desirable knowledge.
DOUBLE ACROSTIC.-No. 62.
ST. STEPHENS' will be silent when the year
Has waked to autumn, then will it appear
Which party in the country rules supreme.
Haply all power will then prove but a dream
To those who now stand guiding at the helm;
While fierce election contests shake the realm.
1.-Once with a marlingspike I gave
The youngster such a crack,
To teach him how he should behave;
He rolled upon his back.
2.-If French you know, 'tis very clear,
You'll find the word translated hero.
3.-In death as well as life the same thing suits,
You'll find these both in coffins and in boots.
4.-SeorT's poem told us of a lord
Who ruled o'er these; and now we own
A gentler sway, and still the word
Tells the domain of England's throne.
5.-The ship was lost, and when the storm was o'er
He only stood upon the island sore.
He sang a thankful song in joyous tone;
'Tis needless to remark he sang alone.
6.-He loved it far better than life
He valued it more than his wife,
This shopkeeping buffer, but in
Stole the burglars and got all the tin.
7.-We know what letter for this last one stands
In ancient charters-say for abbey lands.
And so we put it here, and at a glance
You'll see the Norman knights in this romance.
8.-It comes once a year,
To some folks is dear;
No gay rapture fills
My heart for the bills.
SOLUTION TO ACROSTIC No. 60.-Home, Lyon: Handel, Orrery,
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIr No. 60, REOnivnD MAY 6th :-Ruby's Ghost;
Dcrfla; Fair Eleanor; Con; H. C. IH.; The Boy's Mother; Betsy II.; Sine Macula;
Uncle Willy; S. J. W.; Spencer P.; Sliardillois; Ginger; Tiny Ditton ; Ashton
Bedlamite; J. .; Linda K. B.; Linda ; Horatio ; Tahtyrt; Mashed Turnip; E. t
Heautontimorumcnos; Pipekop; I. B. II.; Jolly Buck; J. 11. 1. 0.; Happy
Them; Frank and Maria; Falstaff; W. C. H. D.; Ledbury Loafer ; Bloan yc'ys
Disorderly Room; Towhitt; C. L. P.; Clara and Annie; Clonglocketty; Eleg'ue;
Romanelli; Knurr and Spell.
THE Times the other day, in its report of the Royal Academy Dinner,
gave a list of the distinguished guests present on the occasion, winding
up with-last but evidently not least in his own opinion-" The Times
reporter." Well, we rather like this modest novelty, and hope that
like all good examples it will find its imitators. We shall then road
in the fashionable papers that when Loan BLANK entertains a select
party at dinner, among those present were two waiters from GuNTER's,
or that among those assembled round the festive board of Ma. JoNES
M.P., was the greengrocer (N.B.-Evening parties attended). The
idea might even be carried further, and the Court Circular on the
occasion of a Drawing Room might supplement the account of the
ladies' toilettes by informing us what the coachmen and footmen
Who Supposed He Could ?
PATERnAMILIAS vainly struggling at the supper-table to dissect a
"spring chicken," of, we are afraid to guess how many, summers, was
fain to give up the attempt in despair, saying by way of apology to his
guests that he really couldn't help it.
WE see announced The Story of a .Diamond." Surely this must be
a case of paste (if not scissors), for no true diamond could be capable of
a flaw of veracity.
ONE can readily forgive the DISRAELI division for comparing the
followers of Ma. GLADSTONE to birds of prey, eagerly awaiting an
opportunity to swoop down on the good things of office. The Liberal
party does indeed unmietakeably belong to the order tap-Tories.
[MAY 16, 1868.
Honest Little Speculator, log. :-" I'll GIVE YOU A SHARE OF THE PROFITS, MISS, IF YOU'LL COME AND DO THAT FOR ME EVERY MORNING."
PUTTING TO RIGHTS.
WHEN the box of PANnDOA the deities packed
With troubles and ills and anxieties weighty,
They felt that one evil to crown them was lacked,
And were quite at a loss, till implacable ATE
Slipt into the parcel of curses and spites
A malevolent genius for "Putting to Rights."
But PROMETHEUS, you know, wouldn't come to the scratch,
And preferred to live on as a bachelor lonely-
Approved not so BRYANT-and-MAY-like a match,
Guaranteed on that box as ignitible only;
So poor EPIMETHEUS, the fable recites,
Became the first victim of "Putting to Rights."
Ah, why did he foolishly hasten to ope
The box which contained his beloved one's trousseau ?
For out trooped the bad fellow-travellers of Hope-
(Since-as doubtless, you know-the gods meant them to do so)
Like ravens, those birds of ill-omen, their flights-
But the biggest and blackest was "Putting to Rights."
And, alas, ever since, when a man takes a bride,
Though the prospect before him seems sunny and flow'ry,
He's sure to discover, whatever may betide,
That there's one fatal gift forms a part of her dowry-
One terrible drawback to married delights-
She is safe to be given to Putting to Rights."
The books and the papers he fain would peruse,
The notes and the mems that want keeping an eye to,
The documents priceless 'tis ruin to lose,
The pressing epistles he ought to reply to,
Have all disappeared like some dream of the night's-
For his wife has been busy at "Putting to Rights."
Oh, woman is all that is lovely and sweet-
The right thing to take, as they say of good brandy;
But pray you be warned against taking her "neat,"
If you'd keep all your books and etceteras handy.
Be warned ere too late, ye unfortunate wights,
Against wives with a mania for "Putting to Rights."
You may wed if you will with the girl of your choice,
And think you a happiness nothing can mar gain;
But take my advice, while you still have a voice
In the matter, and make her assent to a bargain-
She must-ere her faith at the altar she plights-
Undertake to abstain from all "Petting to Rights."
Not a Bovine Idea.
WxrnTIN in Land and Water on the herd of bisons in Wharnaliffe
Chase, MR. FRANK BtCKLAND states :-
Lord Wharncliffe is cultivating bisons. They will doubtless do well in this
country. One hardly hears of a gravel pit or a new briekfield being opened up on
the London basin without discoveries being made of the bones of Bos something or
another, Bos longifrons, Bos primigenue, &c. England is doubtless a Bos carrying
Surely MR. BUcxLAND cannot have forgotten that England has long
been acknowledged to be par excellence the Boss country of the world.
Effect of the Late Sour Winds.
NOTWITHSTANDING that Passion Week was a blank with racing men,
we have reason to believe that many members of the fraternity were
unable to dispense with their daily tischew."
AN astute member of the legal profession looking over some old
documents, recently, so far forgot himself as to mistake the "will"
for the deed."
F U N.-MAY 16, 1868.
N" >"~ ~N>
A NEW VERSION.
JI I~ ih
MAY 16, 1868.]
THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB.
C TRIKE the concertina's melancholy string!
Blow the spirit-stirring harp like any-
Let the piano's martial blast
Rouse the Echoes of the Past,
i vFor of AGIB, PRINCE OF TARTAR,
Of AGIB, who amid Tartaric scenes,
f Wrote a lot of ballet-music in his teens:
His gentle spirit rolls
W In the melody of souls-
SWhich is pretty, but I don't know what it
Of AcIB, who could readily, at sight,
Strum a march upon the loud Theodolite.
He would diligently play
On the Zietrope, all day,
And blow the gay Pantechnicon all night !
One winter-I am shaky in my dates-
Came two starving Tartar minstrels to his gates,
Oh, ALLAH be obeyed,
How infernally they played!
I remember that they called themselves the Oiiaits."
Oh! that day of sorrow, misery, and rage,
I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age,
On the tablet of my mind,
When a yesterday has faded from its page!
Alas! PaiNCE AGIB went and asked them in ;
Gave them beer, and eggs, and sweets, and scent, and tin.
And when (as snobs would say)
They had "put it all away "
He requested them to tune up and begin.
Though its icy horror chill you to the core,
I will tell you what I never told before,
The consequences true
Of that awful interview
For I listened at the keyhole in the door !
They played him a sonata-let me see!
"Medulla oblongdta"-key of G.
Then they began to sing
That extremely lovely thing,
" Scherzando na non troppo, ppp."
He gave them money, more than they could count.
Scent, from a most ingenious little fount,
More beer, in little kegs,
Many dozen hard-boiled eggs,
And goodies to a fabulous amount.
Now follows the dim horror of my tale,
And I feel I'm growing gradually pale,
For, even at this day,
Though its sting has passed away,
When I venture to remember it, I quail!
The elder of the brothers gave a squeal,
All-overish it made me for to feel;
"Oh, PRINCE," he says, says he,
"If a Prince indeed you be,
I've a mystery I'm going to reveal!
" Listen, if you'd shun a horrid death,
To what the gent who's speaking to you, saith:
No Oiiaits in truth are we,
As you fancy that we be,
For (ter-remble !) I am ALECK-this is BET "
Said AOIB, Oh! accursed of your kind,
I have heard that ye are men of evil mind! "
BETH gave a dreadful shriek-
But before he'd time to speak
I was mercilessly collared from behind.
In number ten or twelve, or even more,
They fastened me, full length, upon the floor.
On my face extended flat
I was walloped with a cat
For listening at the keyhole of a door!
Oh! the horror of that agonizing thrill
(I can feel the place in frosty weather, still)
For a week from ten to four
I was fastened to the floor
While a mercenary wopped me, with a will!
They branded me and broke me on a wheel,
And they left me in a hospital to heal,
And, upon my solemn word,
I have never never heard
What those Tartars had determined to reveal.
But that day of sorrow, misery, and rage,
I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age.
On the tablet of my mind,
When a yesterday has faded from its page!
A Liddell too Strong.
NonBODY would ever dream of selecting a Government Office letter
as a model of English composition, but we have a right perhaps to
expect in return for the expenditure involved in the maintenance of a
Civil Service Commission that minor matters like spelling, or correct
modes of address, should be attended to. In the Times of the 30th ult.
was published a Home-office letter addressed to the solicitor who de-
fended Bisuor, the Sydenham murderer, in answer to a petition for the
commutation of the sentence-the letter, signed A. F. 0. LIDDELL, was
directed to MR. HENRY POOx Esa." This is a Liddell too bad,
isn't it ?
Precept and Practice.
THE Soutth London Press is responsible for the following extraordinary
"A teetotal publisher of some celebrity has recently acquired an estate at Bat-
tersea, and intrusted the laying-out for building purposes to another total abstainer
-a surveyor of some local celebrity. Between them they have managed to provide
for the erection of an unusual large proportion of public-houses-by way, perhaps,
of proving the earnestness of their convictions."
We wonder if there are any-foundations for the alleged public-houses.
If so, we can but consider them sorry sites-sad spectacles for teetotal
INTERESTING TO ANTIQUARIES.
The oldest cup on record :-The hic-cup.
108 FUN. [MAY 16, 1868.
From Miss Florence Bridge to Miss Bella .Donna.
DEAn BELLA,-What capital creatures men are! I shouldn't have
had the least idea what geese we have always been. You remember how
we used to read in the papers about Charity Dinners, and the toasts,
and the ladies in the gallery ? That certainly was barbarous. I shall
always think with disgust of the notion of a number of girls with red
cloaks and bouquets sitting in the gallery to watch the animals at their
meals, and to sniff the hot steaming flavour of the soups and meats, and
feel faint with the smell of six courses after satisfying their own appetites
on jellies and wafer biscuits. But this is all altered now, dear: we
have changed all that there, as they say in the French exercises.
Ladies are present now, Bella, and oh! what a revelation has been
brought about. Ihave beento three Charity Dinners, dear, and they're
all alike. Oh, those poor men, what they go through for the sake of
humanity and benevolence throws Dorcas meetings into the shade, and
makes an Elysium of a school treat. Every dinner is alike, and all the
weary work of those six courses is gone through with a patient self-
denial that makes me wonder how much poor weak male nature
can bear in the sacred name of charity. It was at a great hotel at a
railway station that I went to last, and when we got on to the platform
at the bottom of the stairs, I really thought we were going a little way
out of town, but no, we were ushered up, and up, and up, till we
reached a top landing, and there in a large, rather dingy room a
number of disconsolate women in evening dress sat all round, while
about the same number of men in gloves and white ties wandered about
with ghastly smiles, trying to pretend that they thought it was a private
drawing-room, and only venturing a word now and then. There was
a window, dear, that opened into a balcony : oh, such a dirty, dusty,
smudgy, little horrid balcony, with a view of the tiles, and roofs, and
attic-windows of houses, and a couple of church steeples, and great
smoky stacks of chimneys. On each side of this balcony were two great
plants in pots- an American aloe and a cactus-both made of tin painted
green. I laughed to think whatever would be the consequence if
any young couple were to walk out there to spoon in the open air,
and then come in blandly unconscious that they were like a couple
of amiable sweeps. While I was laughing somebody said dinner
was ready, and we all paired off to the smell of mock turtle and
boiled turkey. When we had taken our seats at a great table all full
of very plated dishes, and muslin flowers in very German silver
epergnes: a nobleman who looked as little like a butler as possible
under the circumstances, took the chair, and a clergyman said grace,
and then we had exactly the same things to eat as we had had the
week before at another hotel, and a fortnight before at the London
Tavern. The same Spring soup and very mock turtle, all gruel and
gristle. The same vol au vent of queer pie-crust, warm lard and
a> opped mushrooms, the same dabby cutlets with sour sauce, the same
saddle of mutton, the same fowl and pickled mahogany tongue, the
duck and cold underdone asparagus, the tepid sweetish champagne,
the thin vinegary hock, the sherry that tasted like peppermint lozenges,
the jellies that had been long enough on the table to have imbibed the
flavour of all the other courses, the woolly oranges and floury apples,
and, I am sure, the very very same ornamental pound cakes done into
Gothic shapes. These are hired out from one dinner to another. A
wild-looking gentleman opposite me,-I think he was an Irishman,-
insisted on cutting one, to the horror of the waiter, and giving me a
piece of it. I think, dear, it was made of Castile soap and hearthstone;
but I won't be sure.
Just fancy these poor fellows going through all this year after year
and we thinking they liked it-and were selfishly keeping us from the
Well it was worth going through all that ordeal after all. For the
Charity was a dear little orphan school that has been going on for
above a hundred years, the one at Maitland Park dear, that ArTr
RACHEL used to tell us about; and after dinner the darling boys and
girls came in looking so fresh and rosy compared to us poor jaded
creatures, and they sang, and we heard how they had been fed and
clothed and cared for-and how a number of gentlemen had submitted
to dine like this for a hundred and ten years to help them, and I
quite cried. I think if it had been possible I'd have gone through all
the dinner over again to have seen that pretty sight and think that I
was helping to feed four hundred little creatures by so small a sacrifice
of my own comfort.
If you care to send anything for them, the office is in Fleet-street,
and the name of the Secretary is Ma. SOUL. Your's, FLOY.
COMMANDING PREMISES.-The Horse Guards.
MAY 16, 1868.1] FU N. 109
THE GOOSEFIELD CLUB,.
IT is with shame for the manliness and public spirit of Goosefield,
never before impugned, that we find ourselves compelled to mention
an act whereby several Goosefieldians have abnegated that character
for independence which their townsmen have enjoyed in all parts of
the world whither the circulation of the Goosefield Gazette and General
Advertiser extends. Mn. POTTLEs has been required to vacate the
post of Honorary Secretary to the Goosefield Club! For this astound-
ing piece of information we have an authority no less than that of MR.
POTTLES himself, backed by the testimony of a friend. Nor are we
entirely free from personal interest in the matter, since the reasons
implied by certain members, who, for the present, shall be nameless, in
their extraordinary step of calling upon an esteemed gentleman to
resign the office he has so long graced gratuitously, are said to be
not wholly unconnected with a cringing and cowardly design upon
the liberty of the subject, and upon that palladium of constitutional
rights, the freedom of the press. In short, objections have been raised
against the publication of proceedings which had been foolishly
deemed sacred, within the doors of, the Goosefield Club. Do the
objectors know what they are about ? Have they clearly settled in
their minds that it is safe to resist the mighty force of public opinion
and the popular demand for news ? Can it be possible that they have
deliberately weighed this matter before engaging in a struggle with
powers which have, on several important occasions-for instance, the
election of Chairman of the Board of Guardians last year-been
satisfactorily proved to be irresistible ? We cannot, will not, without
further evidence, believe that there are men in Goosefield, still less
members of an intellectual club, who have thought twice before taking
a course derogatory to human progress and unjust to Ms. POTTLEs.
And yet, how shall we refuse credence to the trumpet-tongued
utterance of injured Justice and Truth, in the persons of MR. POTTLES
and another gentleman? They have come to our office* and have
stated facts for which they offer to vouch in the most solemn terms.
MR. POTTLES has, it appears, been censured for a supposed breach of
privilege in supplying us with intelligence of what passes occasionally
inside the Club. Gracious powers! Are not the foes of MR. POTTLES
and of enlightenment aware that every obstacle, however gigantic, is
overcome by the newspaper press, in pursuance of its duty to the public ?
Neither expense nor any other consideration will stop us in the, dis-
charge of that duty. How was the report of the last general meeting
supplied verbatim to our readers ? A gentleman from this paper was
stationed up the chimney of the long room at the Feathers, and took
half-hour turns with another gentleman under the table, the time
being signalled to them by a sneeze from a friendly member. We
make no boast; for enterprise like this will speak for itself.
Additional light is thrown upon this painful case by the narrative
MINUTEs or A DuIFREENcE BETWEEN ALDERMAN WATTLES AND
Before entering upon the details of a quarrel which has shaken
Goosefield to its very centre, and has paralysed the trade of the town
to such an extent that the business of MESSRS. T. POTT AND SON, the
world-renowned silversmiths in High-street, has suffered a temporary
diminution of nearly one-third, we must express a hope that the dis-
agreement will come to an end before it shall have caused the direst
calamity that the mind of a propetic and imaginative Goosefieldian
can foretell. It will, we think, be generally granted that for this fair
land to be struck by a comet or a thunderbolt, riven by two or three
earthquakes, burst up by several volcanic eruptions, over-run by an
alternate series of icebergs and avalanches, swept by a hurricane, and
finally relinquished to the ring-tailed roarer, the howling rumtifoozle,
and other zoological specimens, would be a trifling concatenation of
unpleasantries compared with the consequence of any serious and
permanent misunderstanding between ALDERMAN WATTLEs and MR.
POTTLES. With this proposition, which can hardly admit of a doubt,
we turn from the general to the particular view of our important subject.
ORIGIN OF THE DISPUTE.
It appears that the circumstances we are about to narrate had their
beginning at a rather advanced hour of last Saturday's meeting of the
Goosefield Club, when many of the members who were present, and
to whom the public might not unreasonably look for valuable evidence,
had unfortunately gone to sleep.
MR. POTTLES was proposing, in very eulogistic terms, the health of
ALDEEMAN WATTLES, when the remarks which MR. POTTLES had
occasion to make were misunderstood by ALDERMAN WATTLES, who,
on MR. POTTLES calling him Amicus humani generis," abruptly
The correspondent who furnishes FUN with these highly interesting records of
the Goosefeld Club is, we believe, connected with the local paper which he
occasionally mentions by name. It was to tha office of that organ of private opinion,
we suppose, that Justice and Truth, otherwise Ma. POTTLES and an anonymous
friend, went with their complaints of injuries received at the hands of some person
or persons to us unknown.-En. FuX.
retorted with the assertion that MR. POTTLES was another. No doubt
this counter-statement of ALDERMAN WATTLES was perfectly true ; but
it was plain from the excited and angry tone of ALDERMAN WATTLES
that he by no means meant the truth to be accepted as a compliment
to MR. POTTLES; and MI. POTTLES himself did not so regard it.
Mutual expressions of defiance ensued, and, losing all powers of self-
control, as we would fain in charity believe, ALDERMAN WATTLES
accused MR. POTTLES of "spouting vulgar personalities with a view
to getting his infamous language reported in the Goosefeld Gazette.
MR. POTTLES, stung to the quick by this unworthy taunt, declared that
he should bring the matter before the committee of the club; where-
upon ALDERMAN WATTLES coarsely observed that he (MR. POTTLES)
had better look sharp about it, for that it was the firm intention of
him (ALDERMAN WATTLES) to demand of the committee a full investi-
gation into his (Mn. PoTTLEs's) conduct.
Allowing the irritation of the moment to rankle in his breast until
the arrival of Monday, ALDERMAN WATTLES proceeded to act upon his
threat; and we blush to record the fact that a majority of the com-
mittee, backed by the hasty approval of certain members of the Goose-
field Club, gave their decision in favour of ALDERMAN WATTLES, and
called upon Mu. POTTLES to resign.
RUMOURED PROPOSAL TO REFER THE CASE TO MR. JAWKINS.
Just as we are on the point of going to press, a communication from
a member of the eminent firm of T. POTT AND SON, silversmiths, 47,
High-street, Goosefield, has reached us, stating that it has been said in
certain quarters that ALDERMAN WATTLES and MRn. POTTLES have
agreed, in the interests of humanity, to refer their unhappy differences
to the calm judicial consideration of MAi. JAWRINS, our learned Re-
corder, -whose decision is to be acceptedas final; and that, till this
decision is arrived at, the committee of the Goosefiold Club will consent
to suspend their harsh sentence on Mli POTTLES.
A coNTEMPORARY states that Da. SHORTT is expected shortly-as
might have been anticipated-to arrive -from India; and further alleges
that he is bringing with him for the Zoological Society's Gardens
several specimens of the walking fish of, India. We presume the
interesting creature combines the characteristics of the sole and
austu to amsfforabM
[We cannot return unadcepted MSS. or Sketohes, unless they are
accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; but we do not hold
ourselves responsible for loss.]
VIRGINIA.-Cut! which place in thy nicotian tube and fumigate.
DANIEL.-We cannot say whether you have come to judgment, but you
certainly haven't arrived at years of discretion.
ATTEMPT-ought to be tried.
F. J. C. (Birkenhead) says The following are, as far as I am concerned,
original." If they are, he should be the more concerned to think he could
have been guilty of them.
SKYBLUE.-If there were any of the milk of human kindness in your
composition you would not persecute us so.
THE LAY or THE BRIEFLESS would have been improved by brevity,
but of course we couldn't expect that !
SAMMY sends us some agonising "jokes"-apologises for them, and adds
modestly, "I shall improve." We trust he will, for though we can stand a
good deal, we can't stand SAM in this instance.
S. H. (Islington) is suffering from the latest epidemic, the potato disease-
he is about the twelfth who has sent us the ancient "vegetable timepiece"
R. J. K. (Camberwell New-road.)-We cannot agree with your evident
opinion that the death of LoanD CARDIGAN is a good subject for bad-or even
COAL DusT.-Your offence does not deserve screening.
E. G. S. (Southampton) sends some lines which, he says, "may be found
worthy of a corner in your paper." If he thinks they are so bad they ought
to be put in a corner, why send them to us ?
MRS. D.-The joke would be passable if we could only find such a word
as purificationo" in any dictionary.
B. had better mind his own buzzy-ness.
S. M. R. (Manchester) should attend to our rules if he wants his MS.
IONORAMUS (Tuffnell Park).-We shrink from the idea of disturbing
Declined with thanks.-Mrs. H., Exmingter; S. X.; Enquire; J. B. T.,
Brixton; E. S., Inland Revenue; A. T., Manchester; Elise; Anonymous;
E.; Paddy; G. S. P., Westminster; J. W. S., Liverpool; Sorrento; J. B.,
Strand; Meddle and Muddle; G., Tonbridge Wells; W. C. H. D.; A. C.,
Montagu-street; L. E., Milk-street; L. S. K., Liverpool; H. D. H.,
Southwark; Ferncliffe; R. 0., Liverpool; G., Red Lion-court; I. H.,
Walworth-road; T. M., Glasgow; Spifflicator; Young Jonson; H. A.,
[MAY 1G, 1868.
RIGHT HE HARE.
Lady (pronouncing the town as spelt) :-" Is THIS THE HERTFORD TRAIN "
Ticket Collector :-" HERTFORD! OH, YOU MEAN 'ARFORD, MUM-WE DON'T SOUND THE HE,' ONLY THE 'HAR,' YOU SEE "
MORE "AND WHICHES."
SURELY the archeologist, the etymologist, the logodmdalist from New
Zealand who will, in after ages, be engaged in disinterring the
evidences of English blood and culture from the records of our history,
will link us, by an elision of the letter S, with the Sandwich Islanders,
and write of the and-which literature and laws. We all know how
nearly the Volunteer Review was made a failure, and it is evident
that that danger lay in the fact that the chief officer, however well
grounded in the word of command, was so sadly deficient in the com-
mand of words that he was obliged to treat them as they do the army
of supernumaries on the stage, and bring them back again after they
have once appeared, in order to impress us with a sense of number and
Even this might be accepted as evidence of a profound knowledge of
the art of marshalling and deploying words, but for the lamentable
infatuation displayed by the gallant commander-an infatuation that
leads to the suspicion of his having been be-whiched by the style and
manner of a cultivated contemporary.
The right of the enemy," reports Sir George, "rested in Paul's Grove and on
the commanding height above it, and which position they maintained during the
day by the aid of the batteries of the volunteer artillery, which were well posted,
replying to the fire of the gun boats of the Royal navy, under the command of
Captain Beauchamp Seymour, stationed in a good position on the Porchester lake.
"The fire of the gun boats in the first instance drove the enemy from the grove
and their line of communication with Fareham, but which was ultimately recovered
The gallant commander winds-up as follows:-
As a general observation in conclusion I may state, although with some excep-
tions, that the instruction drill, the practice of simple deployments, the oblique and
direct echelon movements, the observance of strict silence during movement, and
the cessation of fire when ordered, are wanting, and not sufficiently considered, and
without which no volunteer force would be of much avail if required to take its
place in the field with regular troops. The simple rules of skirmishing, too, the
taking advantage of cover and not remaining too long in it, should be inculcated,
for without this knowledge generally no lesson is taught or learnt by the assembly
of large bodies for sham fights.
"I beg to bring, also, under the notice of his Royal Highness the efficient
assistance rendered on this occasion by the mayor and civil authorities, and which
ensured the success of the day. GEORGE BULLER."
It is refreshing to find that this remarkable man distinguishes the
possibility of learning without teaching in military matters; who
knows but it may be one day the same with regard to English
grammar and composition ?
The Old Man's Straight Tip.
NOTICE.-In the Derby Number of FUN, published on Tuesday the 26th
instant, will appear-NICHOLAS'S DERBY HIEROGLYPHIC.
I<11T r --SFO1ZR D78
OSWEGO PREPARED CORN,
For Puddings, Custards, Blanc Mange, &c. The original and genuine American preparation of Indian Corn. Established 1849.
No similar article in America or England has the right to the title of Original."
KEEN, ROBINSON, BELLVILLE, & CO., LONDON.
Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoanix Works, St. Andrew's Bill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Lmdon: May 16, 1868.
MAY 23, 1868.]
GENTLE ALICE BROWN.
CT was a robber's daughter, and her
name was ALICE BROWN,
Her father was the terror of a
small Italian town;
Her mother was a foolish, weak,
S\ but amiable old thing,
But it isn't of her parents that
I'm going for to sing.
As ALICE was a-sitting at her
window-sill one day,
A beautiful young gentleman he
p chanced to pass that way;
Q She cast her eyes upon him, and
he looked so good and
That she thought "I could be
happy with a gentleman like
And every morning passed her
S( house that cream of gentle-
She knew she might expect him
at a quarter unto ten,
A'sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road
(The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode.)
But ALICE was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise
To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes,
So she sought the village priest to whom her family confessed;
The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed.
" Oh, holy father," ALICE said, wouldud grieve you, would it not ?
To discover that I was a most disreputable lot!
Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one! "
The padre said, Whatever have you been and gone and done ?"
" I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad,
I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad.
I've planned a little burglary and forged a little cheque,
And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!"
The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear-
And said, You musn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear-
It's wrong to murder babies little corals for to fleece,
But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown a-piece.
" Girls will be girls-you're very young and flighty in your mind,
Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find :
We musn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks-
Let's see-five crimes at half-a-crown-exactly twelve-and-six."
' Oh, father," little ALICE cried, "your kindness makes me weep,
You do these little things for me so singularly cheap-
Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget;
But, 0, there is another crime I haven't mentioned yet!
"A pleasant looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes,
I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies ;
He passes by it every day as certain as can be-
I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me I"
"For shame," said FATHER PAUL, "my erring daughter! On my word
This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard.
Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand
To a promising young robber, the Lieutenant of his band!"
"This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so !
They are the most remunerative customers I know;
For many many years they've kept starvation from my doors,
I never knew so criminal a family as yours!
"The common county folk in this insipid neighbourhood
Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good;
And if you marry anyone respectable at all;
Why, you'll reform and what will then become of FATHER PAUL ? "
The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown,
And started off in haste to tell the news to RoBEaR BbowN ;
To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit,
Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it.
Good RoBBER BROWN he muffled up his anger pretty well,
He said "I have a notion, and that notion I will tell;
I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits,
And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits.
" I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two,
Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do-
A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall
When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small."
He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square;
He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware;
He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head,
And MRs. BRowN dissected him before she went to bed.
And pretty little ALICE grew more settled in her mind,
She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind,
Until at length good ROBBER BROWN bestowed her pretty hand
On the promising young robber, the Lieutenant of his band.
\ \ V" /.
Respectability and a Gig-gazette.
OUR genteel contemporary, the Pall Mall, commenting on the
blocking-up of Park-lane, which doubtless causes delay and incon-
venience to its distinguished contributors who are hastening to the
office from the fashionable end of town, makes the following remark:-
"It is fortunate that people who ride in carriages are not so prone to indulge in
feats of personal strength and deeds of violence as some of their fellow-countrymen,
or there would certainly have been further mischief done yesterday in Hlyde Park.
There was an immense block of carriages in the Park, and escape by the way of
Stanhope-gate into Park-lane was impossible."
We were under the impression that writers in the P. M. G. never con-
descended to visit regions east of Temple Bar, but we now see we wore
mistaken. It is evident that the writer of the sentence we quote has
travelled in the City, how else could he be aware that his fellow-
countrymen" who ride not in "carriages" but in cabs and 'buses,
when a block occurs in Fleet-street or Cheapside immediately "indulge
in feats of personal strength and deeds of violence ? We hope ho will
not let the matter rest here, but will sharpen his powerful quill against
these people, who having not so important an object as pleasure but
merely pressure of business as an excuse for their hurry, convulse all
Cheapside with their feats of strength, and make the Fleet-street
gutters run with blood. It is sad to think that on the road, next Derby-
day, the "swells" in carriages and four-in-hands will be utterly
powerless to discourage, by their example, the throwing of eggs, flour,
A Categorical Assertion.
IT will never do to abolish the cat in the army. What will the
soldiers do for kits ?
VOL. VII. L
[MAY 23, 1868.
ST. GEORGE'S, HANOVER SQUARE.
From -Ephraim Dodge, in London, to Eben Stash, New York.
DEAR EB,-The time has gone considerable quick since last I wrote
to you a few observations on rank and fashion in this cheerful old cuss
of a Royal Kingdom. But we've got through, Mrs. D. and self, and
have been going it to the tune of Hail Co-lumbia ever since we left
that precious old dodrotted hotel, and seen after our own fixins at a
Boarding House, which being conducted on temperance principles,
we only breakfast and tea at, after each of which, I take a private
swill out of my own flask in the sleeping-room. We dine and sup
out, having, as MR. DICKENs says, made the discovery that if a native
of the United States does not make himself at home in Great Britain
it ain't for want of invites; and I can tell you that this is a people
who-though they're that pesky slow at their meals as I'm more than
half through, and am mostly fit to bust, with twice to soup and three
times to salmon, before they've reached the solids-certainly do eat
of grants for Princes and Princesses' pocket money. But that's nothing
to the free cosmopolite. Here we are in SAINT GEonOE THE TaIDn's
Church, Hanover-square, and there's highfalutin' going on, I can tell
you. I'm a fixture at present with my head under the book-board of
a pew and the corner of a cushion in my mouth to keep me from
laughing out, and so sacrileging the sacred fane or bringing the old
she pew-opener with a bottle of nose-salts. It was the beadle that
set me off, and I'm now squatting on a hassock with my eyes just over
the edge prospecting the whole claim. MRs. D. she's more genteel-I
tell her she's corrupted with these old mildewy notions that are called
so-ciety, and she's forgot how to laugh. Between you and me, EBEN,
I think she's collecting for a book-and the way she calls on people-
and catalogues their dresses-and takes notes of the tall talk under the
edge of her plate at dinner-time and generally roots up things, beats
an auctioneer's club in Broadway, and must level herto Mns. HARRIETT
B. STOwE, when she electrified Europe with her "Sunny Memories."
But I must larf, so I keep well under, till the gals came in,-and I
and drink same, and clothe some, and marry and are given in marriage
some; and if it wasn't for the Church being' paramount, and the empty
huks and hulls and addled erg shells of Royalty and Rank, and cetera,
lying all around to impede their etarnal progression, this is a people
that one might hitch one's own team to for an everlasting spell.
WALE- is back.-and we should have left another card upon him but
that the whole rotten fabric of what's called society in this laughable
punkin-plot of an island is shored up with etiquette, so we've Leen
observating men and manners, from our own point of view round a
fly-blown old thoroughfare known as Hanover-square. Now, you
would not think that that frowsy dead cider sort of place was the resort
of Rank and Fashion, but, sir, it is so; and why ? The church there,
such ig the wry-necked servility of the Britisher. is named after GEORGE
THR THIND, just as the Square is sponsored bhy the House of Hanover,
and there's nothing for it, the church being upon its hind legs always-
but that Royal person that run his head agin the United States and
proved that it wasn't quite so thick as he'd had reasons to guess, was
sainted for the occasion. Yes, sir. GEonro. THREE wasin the calendar,
as they say here, and what's more, he's made the patron saint of
marriages where rank and fashion concern themselves. There's
something to be biled out of that notion, too. for these Royalties are
great at alliances, and a good deal comes of it, in the shape of provisions
will say that they are worth looking at. The British young female is
about the only institute I can crack up in this worm-eaten old country,
and she is julep, and I do say that it's worth the fees even of the three
ministers-two of 'em is bishops-that it takes to marry in these parts
if a feller can only be sure that their united locomotive power jines
the knot tight. But, Fir, it don't; there's a Court of Matrimonial
Causes and Divorce-and these two things: the church rampant with
its tail stuck out, and the church cowerant, with the aforesaid draggling
and not a wag left in it, is what mnkes me laugh down here in the
pew, while MRs. D. fans herself and finds a shilling for the pew-
opener. Yours, EPHRAIM P. DODGE.
Driving it Home.
NATUnALISTS point out to us that the salmon is formed as a wedge,
so that it may receive the least possible amount of resistance in ascend-
ing rivers. One is almost tempted to turn vegetarian at the prospect
of having such a wedye-at-table before us.
"DE GusTIBcs."-A correspondent with this signature is totally
incorrect, the fable of the Belly and the Members was not written
by the chef de cuisine of St. Stephen's.
MAY 23, 1868.]
OUR FUN-DONE LETTER.
U WAS considerably amused the.other day to
see the Daily Telegraph scolding MR. BRIGHT
roundly for his rudeness in accusing MaR.
DuSRA-LI of a combination of pomposity and
servility. The cause of its warmth is ob-
vious:-it was a clear case of "mutato nominee
D. T." Ma. BIsmar's description of the
Premier applies exactly to a paper noted for
what the Saturday Review neatly styles its
"tail-lashine," and for the fulsome twaddle with which it insults
Royalty. Of late I see it is making itself remarkable in other ways ;
for instance, in a leader in the issue for the 9th instant we have this
elegant sample of housemaid's English :-
Her Royal Hishness the Princess Beatrice has notyet arrived at no more mature
or serious age than eleven years.
On the 13th instant it gave us one of its elevated-classical leaders on
the Laureate's last poem. Here's a specimen:-
Spirit of Lucretius !" What irony there is in that very phrase for all who
know the exquisite eloquence of that Latin i-inaer who "dropped his plummet
through the void, and cried, 'No spirit, and no Gou I' "
This is no doubt a very happy turn, remarkable for elegance and
erudition. Unfortunately, however, MEs. BROWNING wrote-
dropped his plummet down the broad
Deep universe and said, "No God."
It is rather too bad to falsify a quotation, and father a vile mis-rhyme
on a poet, for the sake of a "happy turn." The advertisements in the
D. T. leave so little space for original matter, that thet little might
easily be well done. How much longer shall we have to wait for the
time when the publication of the Dlaily N ws at a penny will give us
a cheap Liberal paper, that Liberal gentlemen need not be ashamed
to acknowledge ?
THE glut of demoralising penny romances-The Boy Robbers, the
Young K.iqhts of the Road, and poisonous trash of that sort-has
brought about the result we might have expected. Two lads, aged
respectively twelve and fourteen, have been parodying the perform-
anoes of the "heroes," of whom they had read, in a disastroussnanner.
They put up at a coffee-house, whence they sallied out, like the high-
waymen of old, armed with pistols and intent on booty, and from
being robbers-or rather thieves-very nearly came to be murderers.
Surely the publication of these most pernicious penn'orths of vile
sensation will be punished now, though we have to pass a bill like LonRD
CA'MPEBBL's Act to give the authorities the necessary power. If not,
we may soon expect to see announced as "Just ready, The Boy Murderers,
in weekly numbers, price one penny. With number one will he pre-
sented numbers two and three, and a magnificent plate of the Attack
on an Old Woman in Catherine-court."
SOUTH KENSINGTON must have trembled to its core when it saw the
announcement of MR. SLanD's bequest to the nation, and his proviso
that it is not to be allowed to come within the Boilers' influence. This
sensible example maybe more widely followed than South Kensington
would like. Had not Ma. COLE and his department better introduce
a Bill into Parliament on the Mortmain model somewhat, to insist
that all bequests to the nation shall go to Brompton in despite of the
testator's express commands ?
THE American magazines, The Atlantie ifonthlb and Our Young Folks
(in the receipt of which a hiatus has occurred of late), have reached me
again this month. The former is full of excellent papers, containing a
story of peculiar merit called Lagos Bar." An article on our old
friend "The European House. Sparrow" will also be found intere-ting.
The juvenile magazine contains the best of the four parts of Holiday
Romance." I sincerely pity anyone who cannot thoroughly enjoy it.
"Dotty Dimple's Call" is very funny. "How Jane found Massa
Linkum" is a most touching little sketch, and "Princekin" is genuine
fairy-lore. America seems fortunate in the possession of writers of
child-lore, the real article and no mistake. We have no such juvenile
literature as this in England. The St. Jaimes's does full justice to its
emblazoned cover, with contents worthy of the embellishment. I am
still inclined to think its verse department weak, but that, is more than
atoned for by theexcellence of th" prose. I have received Part the First
of a new series of Woman's Wo' ld. A glance at its c')ver was
encouraging-a glimpse at its illustrations depressing. But on the
whole its literary contents are good, and the magazine one that may
be safely put in the hands of young girls. The Ga,'diner's Magazine is
welcome at this critical period in horticultural matters, as is also that
excellent periodical the Journal of Horticultuwe. LP Fdllet brings us the
latest news about the latest fashions for spring, which seems at last to
have set in 'permanently.
I CANNOT say that I like the wrapper of the new magazine, The Oak,
or that I admire Ma. DonDD's portrait of Ma. D'uABotI. However,
a magazine that boasts a drawing by that distinguished veteran (both
in art and volunteering), Ma. GzEORO CRUIKSHANT, will always le
welcome for the sake of "auld lang syne." Among the prose contents
is a startling sensation story, "An Et.isode in the Life of a Surgeon,"
and an essay on Miss Braddon as a Poetess," in which MR. SAWYER's
generous admiration of talent has led him into a little over-estimate.
I HAVE received the current numbers of Science Gosssp and the
Naturalist's'Note-Book, two admirable publications, which will he read
with pleasure and interest even by those who are neither scientific men
nor naturalists. I am glad to see in both that the practice of shooting
all rare birds and animals is disc mraged. In the Gassip, a more care-
ful revision of the correspondence in "Notes and Queries is desirable;
for example, to correct such a mistake as viviparous and evi'iparous."
In these days of colour-printing florists' catalogues are becoming works
of art. Carter's List of Bedding Plants contains two illustrations, one
of a new pehrgonium, "Egyptian Queen," the other of a double-
flowered geranium, pictures that a few years ago would have been
thought much of in a costlyJbotanical book, but are now given away
with the catalogue, which.is a usefuland comprehensive one.
THE FAYS OF THE MOON.
H I have you not seen
The fairy queen,
And the elves at their revels gay;
**p And the capers they fling,
As they dance in ring,
Till chanticleer heralds day ?
\ .-:.. Have you ne'er espied
In regal pride
KING OHEnON lead the dance P
Have you never caught sight
Of that tricksy sprite
Called PUCK in the old romance P
What, you have not seen
The king and queen,
And their elves at their revels mad'?
You have ne'er had the luck
To set eyes on PUCK ?
'Well, I didn't think you had!
No Light Matter I
THE latest light thrown upon the inner economy of man is a new
thing in lanterns. We learn from All the Year Round that-
"They are called Gessler's tubes, and are small glass cylinders, either empty
or filled with azote, hydrogen, or carbo do acid gas, through mhich a voltali
current is made to pas,. The tubes become hufftciently luminous to allow you to
read printed letter, held at several inches 4iistanoe from them. When this minia-
ture lantern is introduce it into a stomach, the skia is transparent enough to permit
your seeing the interior o( the animal."
We have some difficulty in swallowing this lantern, but if its existence
be a fact, we trust that our readers will not be lightly persuaded to
take a light repast of this description It seems not improbable that,
should the tube be by an accident broken, the patient would die, like
HENRY I., of a surfeit of lamp-rays.
An Unwelcome Guest.
A TELEGRAM lately announced the arrival of "The Wesar" from
New York. It would have been more seasonable, we think, had the
wheezer" deferred his visit until foggy November,-even then we
should care but little for his rheum or his company.
Words That Burn.
"I CANWOT singe the old songs" says a conscientious musical critic,
"but I feel not the slightest compunction in converting the great
majority of modern ones into pipe lights."
AT a late meeting of the Birkenhead Commissioners, it was stated
that during the year ending the 24th ult, the receipts at the Woodside
Ferry amounted to 38,600. Probably no port in the world can boast
of finer specimens of naval architecture than Liverpool :-oertainly her
"penny-a-liners" stand unrivalled.
A RANTER, who calls himself "the Weeping Prophet," is infesting
Worcestershire and Herefordshire. Would it not be better to dub him
"The Crying Nuisance."
[MAY 23, 1868.
A FEW PLAIN TRUTHS ABOUT THE ROYAL
THE centenary of the Royal Academy finds it in anything but a
flourishing condition. A hundred years can only be considered to
complete the youth of such institutions as Academies, but it finds our
Academy showing evidences of senility, which prove its feeble con-
stitution. However it is just possible that the general reprimand it has
received this year will do it good, and that when it begins its second
century, and opens its new buildings it will exhibit the healthy results
of the castigation it is now receiving.
We would suggest that in the new buildings, a Chamber of Horrors
having been first assigned to the portraits exclusively, a certain pro-
portion of the remaining rooms should be devoted to the works of
Academicians, to be hung according to their merits, and the rest to be
given to outsiders. This would give line space to both Academicians
and non-Academicians, and would enable the hangers, without sus-
picion of disrespect, to lend the enchantment of distance to those works
of members, which consideration for the painters would "raise to the
We are glad to see our opinion of MR. MACLISE'S honesty and
impartiality confirmed by the account given by the Athenacum of his
removal of one of his own pictures to make room for that of BARON
LEYs. It is a wholesome sign, too, that the hangers "desired to efface
as far as possible the scandal which followed the ungenerous treatment of
MR. DAUBInOXY'S 'Moonrise' last year." The hangers will have a good
many scandals to efface, next year, and we may perhaps hope they will
endeavour to do so. The plan of hanging adopted for the present ex-
hibition seems to have been this. In the first place all the portraits by
Academicians were put on the line-next the works of the St. John's
Wood school, or pictures painted by the wives or immediate relatives of
R. A.'s (hangers official or officious) were advantageously displayed,
and then the remaining space was divided among the rest of the
Academicians. This arrangement has not proved to be popular-except
SThe intelligent reader will at once perceive the mistake by which the ti-les
t have been transposed. We beg to apologist for this somewhat excusable
Which was only noticed after w. had gone to prcss.-En.
perhaps in a limited circle in the N.W. district-and therefore it had
bettor be abandoned next year.
In analysing the alphabetical list at the end of the catalogue with a
view to discovering the exact number of R. A.'s who reside in St.
John's Wood-and a rather large proportion it is!-we have been
struck by the absence of landscape-painters in the roll of R.A.'s.
Landscape-painting is so essentially the English art that it is startling
to find its only representatives are M a. CRESWoI, whose pencil not
unnaturally has lost some of its old facility; MR. REDGRAVE, who
paints figure subjects also but with so little success that we must count
him here ; and Ma. LEE, who we suppose must claim admission on the
strength of his fidelity to boiled-cabbage foliage and clayey fore-
grounds. There is no lack of good landscape-painters among the
exhibitors: -Ma. MACCALLUM, MRa. LEADER, MR. BRETT, MR. COLE,
MR. HEMY, all or any of these would do the Academy credit, but the
vacancies they might have filled with honour have been otherwise dis-
posed of. In the lamented death of STANFIELD the Academy lost its
great marine painter: Ma. EDwIN HATES is thoroughly capable of
filling the gap, but his claims remain unacknowledged. MR. POYNTER
for three years has contributed works that have been among the most
striking- pictures in the Exhibition:-why is he still without the pale ?
Must Gower-street come to St. John's Wood ere he can be eligible for
The only Academician who has done his duty well and truly this
year is MR. POOLE. In his Custance Sent Adrift" he does the
Academy noble service, by securing it thee redit that one of the best
pictures on the walls is painted by a member. His picture is almost
the only justification there is for the claim to the line put forward by
the R. A.'s.
Row, Brothers, Row I
THERE is no more invigorating exercise, apd when you are able to
feather an oar well, turn your attention to feathering your nest, and
then just won't "the maidens all flock to your boat so readily."
THE BEVERAGE Pop Lovans.-Huggin's Ales.
_F lU NT .-MAY 23, i8G?.
THE MODERN COLUMBUS;
OR, A SHORT WAY WITH THE CHURCH DIFFICULTY.
MAY 23, 1868.]
INTERESTING RECORDS OF THE GOOSEFIELD CLUB.
A PROUD WEEK for Goosefield having terminated without a single
contretemps, we may now draw breath, wipe our brows, and look back
calmly on those festive scenes, which while they lasted, took away
the control of feelings and the command of words. In bright and
genial weather, chequered only by a smart hail-storm and a few heavy
showers, and chilled occasionally by a north-east wind, the event so
long looked forward to with anxious hope has passed into the region of
history, and may be regarded through the dispassionate telescope of
retrospective criticism. Amid general rejoicing, which has over-
powered the few sneers of the evil-minded even as sunshine has dis-
pelled and driven away the murky clouds that would fain have obscured
the rays of gladness-amid outward shows, the most conspicuous of
which were the tasteful decorations over the shop of our enterprising
fellow-townsmen, MESSRS. T. POTT AND SoN-amid such a state of
excitement, in short, as the oldest inhabitant of Goosefield informs us,
he in vain attempts to remember, looking over the wide lapse of bygone
days-the new pump has been inaugurated.
DESCRIPTION OF THE NEW PUMP.
The stately and imposing object which now embellishes the market-
place of the town of Goosefield, and which will ever serve as an
appropriate monument to the public spirit of this venerable borough,
owes its origin to a few members of the Goosefield Club, who discussed
at an ordinary meeting the necessity of a Public Pump, and afterwards
brought their ripened project before the town-council. That body, as
our readers are aware, has entertained the question with more or less
divergence of individual view and warmth of party opinion-generally
more. But the opponents gradually gave way; the most seemingly
determined and inveterate Anti-pumpers joined the ranks of the
Pumpers; and not more than two or three stubborn foes to improvement
and spring-water remained in opposition.
The new pump is of iron. It is covered with several-we believe
no less than four-coats of paint, of a dark and somewhat leaden hue.
The municipal arms, three geese argent on a field vert, are introduced
in a panel above the spout, which projects in a westerly direction, the
I handle being towards the south. The entire height of the structure,
including an ornament on the top, which represents a goose's egg,
conventionally treated, is very little short of six feet. An eminent
Birmingham firm was entrusted with the task of designing and casting
ORDER OF THE PROCESSION.
o a A Sergeant and one Man of the Goosefield Constabulary '- I
0'o to clear tho way.
g The Drum and Fife Band of the Gooaufield Riflo Voluntecers. .
a A Flag, carried by a Boy. o
The Commercial Gentleman representing the firm of
BuFPLES AND BLOGG, contractors for the Pimp.
o an TnB PurMP COMMIT re.
3.9 ALDERMAN WATTLmS, Chairman.
3 Mn. POTTLES. MA. TUBeS.
NW MR. FunBB. Ma. Giauns. .o
Another Flag, carried by a Man (subsequently re- -
no primanded for inebriety and misconduct).'
A Nine Pensioners, two and two.
S-S THE BEADLE,
b d Who should have been somewhere else in the
P2o 2 procession, though nobody knew
P4 Aldermen and Common Council in their "
robes of office.
The Right Hon. the VISCOUNT LivEnwINo,
Member of Parliament for the Borough of Goosofiold;
the Mayor and SIR BLINKLE1Y OWLanUH, Bart.
Other members of the procession thrown into disorder by
the improper, not to say scandalous, conduct of a person,
t describing himself as a Representative of the Press, and
but too well known as the contemptible and low-minded '.
b reporter in the employ of a venal contemporary. (This
, excrescence on the profession of journalism persisted in
obtruding his offensive presence and manners on COLONEL
P, GANDER and other gentlemen, under the pretext of taking
notes. Let him beware This is not the place to tell
him a few unpalateable truths; but a fitting opportunity
and a day of dreadful retribution will yet come.)
The magnitude of these eventful proceedings compels us to reserve
our further report of the ceremony, and the subsequent dinner at the
idis majestic pump, scarcely three months navmg elapsea between te
date of the order being given and its accomplishment. If the nature p Sa*S' tD d ,rsp W5.,
of the design as well as the size of the object had been altogether
different, and if, as then might have been the case, the suitable [ W cannot return unaccepted MSS. or Sketches, unless they are
material had been silver instead of iron, there cannot be the least accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope; but we do not kold ourselves
doubt that the work would have been executed-and executed in their responsible for loss.]
best style-by MESSRS. T. POTT AND SON, of 27, High-street, DAN.-The announcement of the lecture is perfectly correct, so that your
Goosefield, whose world-renowned name adorns our advertising satirical remarks thereon are nonsense.
columns. BooKwoRM shall not have an opportunity of boring through our pages.
THE INAUGURAL OEREMON-Y. A. S. S. (Glasgow) is quite right when he says that what he encloses
is a little satire." W e have found it both little and blank.
The town presented a gay appearance on Tuesday morning, no For his Pegasus someone at Glasgow
fewer than five flags flaunting the sunlight in our Market-place and Will find that he can't make an A. S. S. go!
High-street. The establishment of MESSRS. T. POTT AND SON, the H. describes himself as of" Bishopsyate-street,Without --" We suppose
silversmiths, in the last-mentioned thoroughfare, was decorated with he meas us to finih the sentence, but we are not good at riddles. Is point
great taste, the floral display on the window-sill of the first floor, or e. aihe hwld-we beg pardon, should not do so!
immediately over the shop, being remarkable for its arrangement of ALL-RIGHT cannot expect to be all right and all writer too ;-he might
colour. If a stranger had chanced to visit Goosefield on that auspicious be comparatively positive on that point.
morn, he could not have failed to ask what was about to happen. Ex- A.F. i. (Offord-road.)-What you have "offord" is declined with thanks.
pectancy sat on every face, and hope illumined every eye. It had S. C. H. (Dartmouth) says "The enclosed slip was taken from," etc.,
become known that the unfortunate difference between ALDERaAN etc. As the slip is not enclosed, we suppose the enclosed slipped out.
WATTLES and AIR. POTTL.E had been adjusted, by a mutual concession ALDIBERONTIFOSCIFORNIOsTIcos.--Your title provokes-This answer.
most honourable to both heads and to each heart. MR. JAwxINs, our Because-You cannot crack jokes-You needn't crack jaws.
learned Recorder, had been perfectly willing, we understand, to arbi- J. H. (Notting-hill.)-Hermit was in the foreground, nearest the
trate in the matter; but happily his legal acumen has not been needed spectat mo ur-street).-Jt short of th mark.
to settle whether MR. POTTLES or ALDERMAN WATTLES was in the W. H.. (Bouverie.street.) -Occaiuonaly.
right, inasmuch as ALDERMAN WATTLES and MR. POTTLES have mag- E. Q. U. I. P. (Boro'.)-How dare you or,ack your miserable jokes about
unanimously admitted that they were both in the wrong. a death which is deplored by the wuole nation? Silence would better
Thehour fixed for the ceremony of inaugurating the new and splendid become you, for if you can see anything to laugh at in such a funeral you
pump in the Market-place was twelve o'clock ; and a little before the are only fit to be a mute.
time people began to congregate near the spot. It was barely four D. G.-Tes.
minutes past twelve when the head of the procession came in view; and CANTAn.-Not quite up to the standard.
a cheer from two workmen rent the air. It had, been judiciously BROTHER JONATHAN.-A well-selected title, since the joke is pirated
arranged that the cortege, having only a short distance to traverse from our first volume.
between the Town Hall and the Pump-our old friend Mt. M Declined with thanks :-J. D., Waterford; Ephemeral Smug; H. W.,
THnovHT facetiously observed, by the by, that it was not more han a Exeter; F. B., Chelsea; R. B., Gracechureh-atreet; C. J. t -S. .,
step from the sublime to the interesting-should traverse that distance kitcham; WH. B. Theodoreina ; ., Konamel; tw. R., Kensgton ng
park-road; R. 0., China; S. S.; E D., culoamel; K. It., Wigton; Young
on foot. Every precaution would no doubt have been taken by the Fox; W. H. S.; W. R. W., Claphnm; 11. W. It ; J. K.; J. N. B.,
police to obviate danger and inconvenience to the inhabitants of Blaydon-on-Tyne; A. B., Princo's-g'rdens; W. F. W., KiDgsland;
Goosefield, from the overcrowding of the streets, and strong barriers J. G. M., Chesler; Old Subscriber, Kcnsiugton; B. B., Hull; Circle A.,
would have been erected along the line of route and in the proximity Glasgow; Owain; S. R. E., Claphaim-roaui ; W., Bolper; C. It. H.;
of the Pump, had it appeared to be in the least degree probable that any James C.; A. C., Dieppe; S. W. C., Cauberwell-new-road; 1. D. II.,
such plans would be found at all necessary. Russell-square.