Front Cover
 Title Page
 September 14, 1867
 September 21, 1867
 September 28, 1867
 October 5, 1867
 October 12, 1867
 October 19, 1867
 October 26, 1867
 November 2, 1867
 November 9, 1867
 November 16, 1867
 November 23, 1867
 November 30, 1867
 December 7, 1867
 December 14, 1867
 December 21, 1867
 December 28, 1867
 January 4, 1868
 January 11, 1868
 January 18, 1868
 January 25, 1868
 February 1, 1868
 February 8, 1868
 February 15, 1868
 February 22, 1868
 February 29, 1868
 March 7, 1868
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00013
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00013
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page iii
        Page iv
        Page 5
    September 14, 1867
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    September 21, 1867
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    September 28, 1867
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    October 5, 1867
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
    October 12, 1867
        Page 45
        Page 46
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
    October 19, 1867
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
    October 26, 1867
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
        Page 71
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
    November 2, 1867
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
    November 9, 1867
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 91
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 96
    November 16, 1867
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
    November 23, 1867
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
    November 30, 1867
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
    December 7, 1867
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 136
    December 14, 1867
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
    December 21, 1867
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
    December 28, 1867
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
    January 4, 1868
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
    January 11, 1868
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
    January 18, 1868
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
    January 25, 1868
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
    February 1, 1868
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    February 8, 1868
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
    February 15, 1868
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 242
    February 22, 1868
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
    February 29, 1868
        Page 253
        Page 254
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
    March 7, 1868
        Page 263
        Page 264
        Page 265
        Page 266
        Page 267
        Page 269
        Page 270
    Back Cover
Full Text


. . . .

Ott A, i








A ~im0

,r;~j~ ~77N -.

I' i/;, /: i i



HE pleasant month of February was at an end. It had
been so pleasant that everybody considered that the
extra day which Leap-Year presented to it was a well-
merited gift. March had begun its progress. The winds
always blow in March, but the flowers sometimes won't follow
the example, and put off their blowing. But this year they
were all to the fore early, and Spring's approach was, in point
of fact, a quick March with a lively air.
The birds were all singing merrily. They had paired and
built their nests, so that the troubles of settling and furnishing
were over, and they could give their minds to music. There
were all sorts of birds and all sorts of songs, but they harmonisod
gloriously. Somebody told somebody else, who confided it to a
third party, who wrote to the newspapers about it, that he
believed he had heard a Cuckoo; but that was a little too strong
for thepapers, especially as Parliament was sitting, for that has
a fine tonic effect on editorial credulity. There have been
editors who would swallow bushels of gigantic Gooseberries in the
recess, but strain at a Toad in a block of stone during the session.
The truth was, that what the somebody aforesaid heard and
mistook for a Cuckoo was a dissipated Lark with a hiccup. It
had been "in the Sun early in the morning.
j \ JThe Lambkins were particularly lively. In their happy
state of innocence they frolicked about and kicked up thoir hoels,
as if there were no such thing in the world as what CAPTAIN
MAYNE REID would describe as the Mentha officials or Common
Mint. No suspicion of vinegar soured their sweet thoughts-
they dreamt not of cot'lcttes d la Soubise, or of the possible future
of their small fry. They even admired the blue of the sky, as if
it were not the hue of the butcher's livery.

The distant church bells shed the music of their swoot chimes upon the air, and wanton little zephyrs brought its echoes
with them to compare them with the tinkle of the waterfall. The meadows were fresh and green, and in the arable land the busY

K; ,'S


/ 1 0,


plough was taking its share in man's labour. Spring and Leap Year were taking summary measures for the re-decoration of
the Theatre of Nature.
The trees were putting forth tiny leaves. The Horse Chestnuts were first, and had a start of the Oaks. The Elms were not
far astern, but the Ashes had put off their display till Ember week. The Ashes are always late :-Nature reviewing her forces
seems perpetually saying to them Ash you were!" However, the trees generally looked spring-like, and by their own leaves
and with the kind permission of the sun and fine weather, would probably soon make a very respectable bough-a good many
boughs, indeed-to the public.
As for the flowers they, as was said at the commencement of this preface, blew in profusion. There were innumerable
daisies-pretty little blossoms, though they are as hard to get out of the lawn as BISHOP COLENSO. As for Violets-you had
only to follow your nose, and you would find them :-that is, if your nose was anything better than a promontory whereon to set
a pair of barnacles a-straddle. Snowdrops, Crocuses, Hyacinths, abounded, and there were blossoms on many a fruit tree, and
the Lilacs and Laburnums were showing well for flower.
And then to crown the delights of Spring, and fill all hearts with mirth, sunshine, and merriment, that hardy perennial,
FUN, came out with a volume. No sooner did it put forth its leaves, than a broader smile was observed on the face of Nature.
The trees shook with a pleasant laughter. Fat little buds that had been too lazy to open, split their sides with chuckling.
The birds grew quite chirpy over it. The lambkins jumped at the notion of it. Even the waterfall joined in, and kept up a
little silvery laugh as it hurried along chattering to its pebbles and whispering to its banks the good news that a new volume
of FUN was out!
And thus FUN was welcomed everywhere. In the busy city it brought cheerful hints of the pleasant country, carols that
reminded the town-pent prisoners of the singing of birds. Physicians recommended it as wholesome diet for the ailing. They
said the old system of blood-letting in Spring was obsolete, but that it was a good vernal practice to breathe the comic vein.
In quiet nooks of the pleasant country it amused and delighted thousands of readers, instructing them, too, in the doings
of the busy world. East and west, north and south, its appearance was hailed with delight. Like the morning drum-beat of
England which goes with the sun round the globe, a ripple of pleasant laughter spreading in widening circles from land to
land announced the publication of-

0x" x oIn in f t h geti of suit


THE next best thing
to being well is to
know exactly what
you ought to do when I
you happen to be ill;
buat a good many doc-
tors are too profoundly
scientific to give you
practical advice in
plain English. We
welcome in Mr. WIL-
LIAMS'S little treatise
on the "Health-Resorts
of France and Italy a
pleasant exception to
the general rule of
dulness amongst works
on medical subjects.
Himself an able and
experienced prac-
titioner, and the son
of one of the most emi-
nent physicians of the
explains in a simple
and intelligibleway the
various advantages
and drawbacks of such
places as Hybres,
Cannes, Nice, and .(
Mentone. So long as
our noble country shall
retain its present pecu-
liarities of climate, ,,
there will always be
some thousands of
English men and wo-
men compelled to go
abroad before the first i'
of the November fogs;
and we cannot com-
mend to them a more -
agreeable or useful
guide than MR. WIL-
LIAMS. That gentle-
man's book, we may -.
add, is quite worth -
reading even by those -
who have no direct k'
personal interest in
the subject; its style
is simple and pellucid;
and the author seems
to have none of those
violent prejudices
which sometimes warp
the judgment, on pro-
fessional subjects, of
even the ablest men.

A Bit of Proverbial Philosophy by our own Tupper.
WE have never heard of a case in which capital invested in playing
Aunt Sally has resulted in a profit. Yet the adherents of the ducal
game persist in their patronage, doubtless on the principle Once bit,
twice shky."

Turning the Scales.
A DEPuTATION from one of our metropolitan boroughs waited on
SIR MOeTON PETo the other day to present a sort of condoling address
to him. Of course the borough of Fins has a sympathy with things
that are fishy.

asked the other day
by counsel to describe briefly the character of the prisoner, who
was accused of getting drunk and tyrannizing over his wife and
family. He answered that he should be inclined to style the accused
"a brandy-and-water-Cure."

The Latest from Ireland.
A FRIEND sends us a suggestion, which, if not positively witty, is
comparatively funny. He propounds that a young lady who is not
yet "out" is very like a schoolboy who is kept in for his Greek.
Why ? Don't you see ?-Because she is kept more at Home-er than
she likes


6 FUN.

[SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.

9Poban Ualh.

OVED by his fears, pro-
bably, THEODORns has
given up his captives;
but the Abyssinian
campaign has been the
great topic of the day,
and the papers teemed
with letters on the sub-
/ject from various cor-
respondents. Of course
everybody else; but as
-also, of course-Red-
\\\ tape and Routinewould
have taken their own
line, without attending
in the slightest degree
to advice, the diversity
of opinion would have
been of no great con-
Ssequence to any one
save the Editors, who
were glad of it at this
season of the year. The end of the campaign was plain to see-in fact,
there could have been only one end, for the eyes of Europe were upon
us, and our opponent would have been a barbarian with a disaffected
army. But how great the waste of life and money would have been is
a thing no one can tell. The most encouraging fact was the fact that
the leaders of the expedition, and the main body of the troops com-
posing it, were used to desultory savage warfare, had Indian expe-
rience, and were somewhat hardened to climate. The post of Our
Own Correspondent" was one eagerly sought, every paper in London
having several volunteers. But it is not easy to find a man who, with
the requisite literary ability, combines the physical qualities essential
for so trying a post. The Times appointed RUSSELL-Crimean RUs-
SELL -a capital man for the work; but I'm glad there is no need of his
going, for fear of the suspension of "Dr. Brady" in Tinsley's during
his absence. The Times, by the way, announced that "it might be,
perhaps, interesting to the public to state that the competition for the
privilege of representing that journal in Abyssinia had been exceed-
ingly keen." In my very humble opinion, I don't think this is very
dignified; but I dare say the Editor is out of town, and his locum
teens must be pardoned a few blunders, though we have had too many
of them of late. A few years back, a dramatic critic of the Times who
wrote to the Spectator to answer the critic of the Pall Mall would, I
suspect, have been bowed out, even if his letter had been an able one,
instead of the silly and incorrect twaddle we had in the Spectator of
the 31st ultimo. However, to console us for the vagaries of a critic
who can see no merit in any one save Miss TERRY and Mu. TOM
TAYLon, we have some excellent articles on the New York Drama
from the pen, I make bold to conjecture, of Ma. OXENFORD.
I am very glad to see that the new Metropolitan Traffic Act is to
come into operation in November. The regulations, on the whole, are
sound and reasonable, and the circulation of the streets will be freed
from many unnecessary hindrances which now flourish in defiance of
sense and the police. The rule that no fare for a hackney carriage
shall be less than a shilling is an act of justice to Cabby, who is often
painted far blacker than truth approves. PICKFORD'S vans, coal carts,
and timber waggons will no longer be allowed to hold a reign of terror,
and the dustman will be kept within limits. If a section or two had
been added to render more stringent the present regulations about
omnibuses and cabs, with a view to introducing cleanliness and comfort
into those vehicles, the Act would be still more welcome.
The magazines are all out now. The Cornhill is a shade less pon-
derous than usual. The illustration to the first story is nice ;" that
to the second not altogether so satisfactory. London Society is far from
strong in the art line, though the little cuts to a well-written article on
the Belgian Ball are so good that not even bad engraving could destroy
their merit. Bclravia is another magazine in which the art depart-
ment is in sore need of reform; some of the versification, too, is sus-
ceptible of improvement in point of rhyme. Circe," besides
containing a few cribs-not to say translations-from BALZAC is to be
condemned for the introduction of living personages under absurdly
transparent names; Sm E. VERBOECKHOVEN, the animal painter," for
example, is simply an impertinence, though I'm sorry to say so, since,
from internal evidence, I am inclined to attribute this novel to the
same pen as one, if not both, of the other continued stories in the

There are pippins and cheese to come for play-goers. The new
theatre at St. Martin's Hall is to open under the management of MR.
and Mas. ALPRED WIGAk-and what is more, with a good strong com-
pany, including Miss ADDISON, MA. L. BROUGH, and Mr. D. MURRAY.
If one may credit rumour, there will be many changes next season.
MsS. MELLON, Miss FURTADO, and MR. CLARKE leave the Adelphi.
lMiss HUGHES goes to the Princess's to play Fanny Power in that most
excellent drama Arrah Na Pogue," which we shall all welcome back
heartily to the stage.

?a T., F all the youths I ever saw
S None were so wicked, vain, or silly,
Sp lost to shame and Sabbath law
As worldly Tom, and BOB, and BILLY.

SFor every Sabbath day they walked
(Such was their gay and thoughtless
In parks or gardens, where they talked
From three to six, or even later.
SIR MAsAcxriN was a priest severe
In conduct and in conversation,
It did a sinner good to hear
Him deal in ratiocination.
He could in every action show
Some sin, and nobody could doubt him;
He argued high, he argued low,
He also argued round about him.
He wept to think each thoughtless youth
Contained of wickedness a skinful,
And burnt to teach the awful truth,
That walking out on Sunday's sinful.
"Oh, youths," said he, I grieve to find
The course of life you've been and hit on-
Sit down," said he, and never mind
The pennies for the chairs you sit on.

" My opening head is Kensington,'
How walking there the sinner hardens,
Which when I have enlarged upon,
I go to Secondly'-its Gardens.
" My Thirdly' comprehendeth Hyde,'
Of Secresy the guilts and shameses;
My Fourthly '-' Park '-its verdure wide-
My Fifthly' comprehends St. James's.'
"That matter settled I shall reach
The Sixthly' in my solemn tether,
And show that what is true of each,
Is also true of all, together.
"Then I shall demonstrate to you,
According to the rules of Whately,
That what is true of all, is true
Of each, considered separately."
In lavish stream his accents flow,
Tom, BoB, and BILLY dare not flout him;
He argued high-he argued low-
He also argued round about him.
"Ha! ha! he said, You loathe your ways,
You writhe at these, my words of warning,
In agony your hands you raise !"
(And so they did, for they were yawning.)

SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.] F 7

To "'Twenty-firstly" on they go,
The lads do not attempt to scout him;
He argued high, he argued low,
He also argued round about him.
" Ho! ho! he cries, you bow your crests-
My eloquence has set you weeping,
In shame you bend upon your breasts!"
(And so they did-for they were sleeping.)

He proved them this-he proved them that-
This good but wearisome ascetic ;
He jumped and thumped upon his hat,
He was so very energetic.
His bishop at this moment chanced
To pass, and found the road encumbered ;
He noticed how the Churchman danced,
And how his congregation slumbered.
The Hundred and Eleventh head
The priest completed of his stricture:-
"Oh, bosh!" the worthy bishop said,
And walked him off, as in the picture.

Turning the Tables.
M. VICTOR MFEUaER publishes an article in the last number of
Cosmos upon the feasibility of domesticating monkeys and instructing
them in the duties of servants. He is of opinion that the thing may
be done by careful breeding and instruction. We should think if his
plan could be carried out it would be a great boon to the public in the
present sad dearth of good servants. It would enable ladies to turn
the table on "the greatest plagues in life." The mistresses could
monkey their servants-the servants have long enough been aping
their mistresses.

Of what is the Old Man thinking?-Popular Ballad.
MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,-The Old Man was thinking, Sir, as it
was high time for me to send a countrybution to the first number of
the Sixth Volume of your Now Serious, when he was delighted for to
perceive by a friendly missive, which it reached me through a private
channel, as you were yourself quite of the same opinion. In fact, my
dear young Friend, you put it even more forcible than what I could
have done so myself, where you capitally say as my conduct is dis-
graceful. This, Sir, is the true frankness of the Anglo-Saxonian
gentleman, than whom I am sure as I have always considered you one
of them, though a little too apt for to blow up men as are more than
twice your age. I fancied, Sir, as I could hear the very tones of your
familiar voice in that sweet passage where the letter says as 1 am a
delusive old vagabond, on whom no reliance can be placed." You are
not the only person which may have said so; but what I am sincerely
grateful for is the friendly way in which the communication is made,
where you say that if I do not send you some copy you will havo me
locked up for obtaining of money under false pretences. Nothing, Sir,
could be more frank, nor straightforwarder, nor more calculated for to
put NICHOLAS on his mettle.
The truth is that the Prophet have again been basking in the lapses
of luxury on the coast of the English Channel, where the good and
beautiful of Britain's aristocracy have been hand and glove with him,
chorus, then here's a hand, my trusty fere, and here's a hand o' mine,
and we'll drink a cup of kindness yet, for Auld Lang Syneo Many is
the proud and stately Peer of the Realm with whom I have done so,
they all being fond of NICHOLAs-whilst the women, Sir, by JurITERm!
they adore me! To say as I have been doing much execution among
the partridge-birds, Sir, would be entirely useless, as 1 am sure you
would not believe me, and therefore abstain from telling you a syste-
matic falsehood;-but I have been winning laurels, so for to speak, in
another sphere, and which it is more adapted for the Prophet's present
period of life, not to speak of my future.
I allude, Sir, to the delightful game of Croaky-or, as the French
say, Croquet; but I always pronounce it personally in the way which
I have spelled it first.
Had I the pen, Sir, of a CAPTAIN MAYNE ROUTEDfMn, or a MaR.
EDMUND REID, or of a gentleman to whom SHAKESPEARE alludes as
"the melancholy JAQuIs," which it strikes the Old Man as being
rather like taking a liberty for to call him so, I would then, Sir, ox-
patiate on the rules of the game, though what after all is the usi of
doing so when no two people can be found who. play exactly alike; blit
this is a digression. Full stop.
The Old Man, however, never sparing trouble nor expense when lie
sees a chance of affording combined amusement and instruction to the
readers of your valuable New Serious, will give you a skotch of
1. Get the Marchioness to bring out a chair for you, so as you may
not have to walk about the ground more than what is convenient.
2. Get her for to mix you a glass of cold brandy-and-wator. Note.-
There are some grounds where this is considered low. What's the
odds ?
3. Say you won't play until the next game, as you like to see the
young people enjoying themselves.
4. See the young people enjoying themselves, and drink the cold
5. Send for another glass. Note.-Some players go to sleep at this
stage of the game, but it is not obligatory for to do so. Suit yourself.
6. Take a weed, and wait till the game is over.
7. Take a mallet, and wait till the game begins.
8. Be particularly careful not to hit your ball through the first hoop.
9. Same as No. 8. Note.-The advantage of this plan, which is
seldom recommended by less experienced authors, is that you can stay
close to your chair where the cold brandy-and-water is.
10. Stay close to your chair where the cold brandy-and-water is.
11. A good strong pair of spectacles will help you in watching the
darlings when they put their dear little boots--but NicuLAs,
NICHOLAS, you have a reputation for morality, my boy! Sustain it.
12. Say you are afraid the grass is getting damp, beg to be excused,
go indoors, and have some more brandy-and-water.
It will be seen as this Manwal is free from tedious technicalities,
and likewise from wrangling discussions about the mere minuti;ie of
the game. It is enough for the young player to learn the general
principles of croaky.
If these brief but well-considered remarks should help to inspire
any one with a real affection for the noble game -and if, abovo all,
they should tend to wipe away a tear from the clhrcks of Innocence,
whilst alleviating the hardships of the poor, they will have more than
fulfilled the fondest aspirations of NicHOLAS HIMSELF.


[SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.

Porter:-" TUGH! AIN'T GOT NO MASTER!" I Passing party :-"No, MASTER! 'Ow ABOUT THE OLE WOMAN AT 'OME?"

IN seventy trains and ten
Rushed millions of men set free,
Captives out of their London den,
Gulls on the scent of the sea!
Dust from the work of weeks,
Dust upon beards and in brains,
Dust in their eyes and dust on their cheeks,
In ten-and-seventy trains.
0 pale and spiritless crowd,
That bows to the Holiday King,
Clutching at bags and shouting aloud
For freedom, its fun, and its fling.
Free from the paper and pen,
Dozing on shingle and sand,
And far and wide those seventy and ten
Are scattered from land unto land.
And, ho! for some legs straightway,
In honour of pass and of peak,
For the worn-out barrister's blithe and gay
When he's been in the air a week.
From hill and valley and fen,
The news comes gathering fast.
The million men from the seventy and ten,
Have care to old JEolus cast.
A plucky and desperate crowd.
They tramp over glaciers and sing,
For mad with ozone they are shouting aloud,
Here's a cheer for the Holiday King."

For swift has he taken in tow
The subjects that round him flock;
But weak is the mallet and silly the bow,
To a pack and an Alpenstock.
But woe to the hazardous pranks,
That are played in MACGREGOR canoes!
Your mad-cap traveller gets few thanks,
And nobody likes his shoes:
But Holiday King stands proud
Monarch of moor and of nook,
Dear to the heart of the clamouring crowd,
Who have purchased their tickets of CooK !
Yet though such a man of might,
Despotic and mild as well,
The Holiday King has for ever done right,
And never was known "to sell."
"Sweetness, and culture, and light,"
And benefits done by stealth,
Are pasted clear in the people's sight
At the famous Board of Health.
And cricketers twenty and two,
He has sent out far and wide,
With plenty of money and nothing to do,
But astonish the country-side.
Though he comes in the summer, I trust
We can battle with life till spring,
When we long to be brush'd from the London dust
By the broom of the Holiday King!


]FJ UN.-SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.

\ \






The Law :-" STRIKE; BUT lEAR ME !"


SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.]


Polite Tatur-man (to young lady removing a particle of dust from her friend's eye) :

Miss TERRY has left the stage. I am told that she is to be married,
and that is certainly the reason that is generally assigned for her
taking this decisive step; but I cannot help thinking that that charm-
ing young lady and excellent actress retires from public life because a
woman of her keen sense of the ridiculous must be absolutely so
disgusted with the sickening adulation with which MR. Tom TAYLOR
so persistently bespatters her, that she takes the only means in her
power of freeing herself from it. What has she done that she is to be
held up to public ridicule by MR. ToM TAYLOR in the Times twice
a week ? It is really very hard on her. Come, Miss TERRY, don't
go yet. Haven't you any relation who is in a position to put a stop to
the nuisance ? We really can't afford to lose you; we can't, indeed.
You are a genuine artist, with a thorough and comprehensive know-
ledge of your profession; and there are not many now on the stage
of whom as much can be said. Your Juliet is not your strongest part,
but it is probably the best Juliet our present stage can afford.
MR. AND Mas. HOWARD PAUL are playing at the Strand. These
excellent artists are drawing crowded houses, although the earlier half
of their bill remains unchanged. The latter part consists of miscel-
laneous songs and scenas. The most noticeable of these is Faust in
Five Minutes," by MR. HoWARD, and "The Ship on Fire," and the
"Sneezing Song," by Mas. PAUL. That lady's excellent impersonation
of Ma. Sims REEVES concludes the entertainment, as usual.
Ma. MAccaI E has re-opened at the Egyptian Hall with "Begone
Dull Care." He has many qualities which go to make up a good
entertainment-he is a good mimic, a good ventriloquist, and he sings
his songs with taste and effect. His "make-up," however, is generally
very careless, and seems to show a lack of that appreciation of
character to which he frequently refers (with a modesty that is quite his
own) as his peculiar forte. These remarks do not, however, apply to
his personification of a gushing young lady-which is admirably
dressed, and in every way perfect. MR. MACCABE should allow himself
a little more time for his changes, and cut out of his book all allusion
to the beauty of his own songs.

LET me kiss you for your mothlei-
For your sister-cousin-aunt-
Or for somebody or other
Whom I long to kiss and can't.
I could wish my love beside me
As I've you beside me now;
But the pleasure is denied me,
So i'll kiss you, anyhow.
I adore the lady dearly
(I assure you that I do);
Can you understand me clearly
That my kiss is not for you ?
In your keeping I may leave it,
As another's-not your own :
So I beg you'll not receive it
As a gift, but as a loan.
You have silken, yellow tresses,
While my love's are black as night;
And your eyes-e'en Love confesses-
Are a dozen times as bright.
But I covet from another
What another cannot grant;
So I'll kiss you for your mother-
Or your sister-cousin-aunt!

Pious Pyrotechnics.
THE Pall Sall stated the other day that at the dedica-
tion festival of St. Bartholomew, Moor-lane, when FATHER
IGNATIUS took part, the curate in charge, the zEv. A.
SQUIB, preached the sermon (which, by the way, only
lasted six minutes-don't we wish St. B.'s was in our
parish!). We understand that nothing but the dread of
an action for libel has prevented the Record from de-
nouncing A. SQUsI as a Roman Candle.

Cutting Acquaintances.
THE "brotherhood of art" is all very well as a sen-
timent, but it won't bear dissection. Take the profes-
sion of engraving for instance. How few of its fol-
lowers can rank even as CovusEs P

Anzbtos to 60tovrp11bts.

[ We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica-
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]
AJAx TRANSPIERCED.-Would do well to have that tooth out, and a
little sense in.
C. B. (Readin g.)-Neat lines; but far fairer beams Hope's rock"-on
which we split!
DUNN BROWN wants to see his rubbish in a nook in our columns."
He will see it-with an 'ook!
J. XW. T. (New Wandsworth.)-There is no necessity at all!
W. S. (Spa Fields, Dublin.)-Will, perhaps, be kind enough to send us
stamps for the extra postage his, in every sense, heavy contribution cost us.
S.-" Sinner can't rhyme with dimmer." Don't!
J. E. W.-The lines possess no merit.
SLATER.-It is impossible to parse Cookery receipts, but we judge them
by their fruits and acquit them.
I. S. (Leicester-square).-Of no use to us.
C. B. S. (Marchmont-street.)-VWe have no opening for such matters.
W. G. (Aylesbury.)- h, you're all right;-there are no jokes, old or
new, in what you send.
CANTAB can't hab a place in our columns.
A. B. (Hull.)-The sketch is hull-ly incomprehensible.
R. A. (Lincoln's-inn-fields.)-Please to read our regulations.
Declined with thanks :-Physicist; F. H. B.; G. 1'. B.; A. C.; F. C.;
H. G.; L. G., Glasgow; Drink and Dropsy; Paddy Greener, Dublin; X.;
Bobby Hawk; H. G. XW.; J. H., Throgmorton-street; Miss J., Isle of
Man; A. S., Dublin; G. L. H.; J. A. E., Glasgow; F. A. B. G. H. K.,
etc.; J. E.; WV. H., Liverpool; Underground; C. L. ; Miss L. T.,
Brixton; H. H., Northampton; Mus! ; C. W. S., Cecil-street; J. IH. C.,
Clapham-road; Alpha, Camberwell; Medici; Original, Leicester; It. D. T.,
Sittingbourne; J. B., Oxford; H. H., Burslem; N. J. E.; F. J., Stock-
well; Harry the Wag; W. W. B., Bristol; F. H. G., Grosvenor-squaro;
W. F. H. Cook; M. B., Houndsditch; B. H., Bradford: A. S., Paisley ;
Lucret; 0. R., Birmingham; J. Y., West Bromwich; J. h .P., Win-
chester; M. E. H. W.: Lark; Nemesis; Still a Child."


12 F U I [SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.


SE day on high Olympus, forging thunderbolts and fuming,
Sat JOVE, by gods surrounded, sipping nectar, as we're told,
/ And he drew out from his pocket just a poster unassuming,
Printed bright in fiery letters, on a double sheet of gold;
Then said JUPITERa to MieCURY, who happened to be boarding
In Olympus with his brother gods and goddesses a night,
"Paste the poster, trusty messenger, on wall and corner hoarding,
That the deities who run may read, and running, read aright."

Swift flew the glad intelligence, how JUPITER intended
To ask each witty god and wily goddess to compete
For a mighty prize he'd offered, on which fortunes he'd expended,
For breaking women's hearts, and bringing lovers to their feet.
Seek me out a jolly pastime, game, amusement, if you like it,
Wherein mortal men and women," said the king of gods, can join.
When the iron, of the heart, is hot I dearly love to strike it,
Though some bachelors are needy, and some women roll in coin.'

PKAN and BACCHUS come together, with a double sort of notion,
Of picnics on the river, unnny girls, and iced champagne,
'With a dream of woods, forget-me-nots, a boat's delicious motion,
Songs and sentiments, and happiness-bar PLUVIUS and rain;
And they told how opportunities were advertised for strolling,
And of couples who have lost themselves-pretended to, at least,-
Of ferny banks, and attitudes, and rugs, and lazy lolling,
Lobster salad, wine in tumblers, and a very awkward feast.

gig To JovE's throne, in exultation, young TERPSCIIORE came dancing,
S "'v \ She had notions of excitement running strangely in her head,
J ~ ^ ^ And in vivid colours painted, lights, and flowers, bright eyes glancing,
And the waltzes which have little loves to HYMEN's altar led ;
And she told of sweet flirtations, over lemon-water ices,
And of sweeter assignations when the cloaks are wrapt around;
Hinting strongly, how a trois-temps has led boobies to a crisis,
And the comfort of conservatories mothers oft have found.

Then with horsey slang and laughter, came DIANA in a canter,
Shouting loudly to the loungers to get out and clear the way;
And with noisy volubility propounded she instanter,
How she'd tame the wildest chesnut and the most pugnacious bay ;
Then she raved of hounds and hunting, meets, and horses tame and vicious,
And the "go-ahead, well-plucked ones," snobs in scarlet who disturb;"
And she hinted how men's tempers, like their horses, are capricious,
And how dainty women's fingers are the lightest on the curb.
Then APOLLO, the far-darter, came with arrows in his quiver,
And was loud in exultation of the lesson of the bow;
But the deities all shouted, With your quiver to the river!"
And protested how that archery, and archers too, were slow.
When he tried a mild suggestion of toxophilites and parties,
Where for shooting and flirtation men and women oft are brought,
"Down at Plymouth," said old NEPTUNE, when they shoot, you know, my
For a dozen married women I have very vainly sought."

Little CUPIDm, for a minute, had escaped from APHRODITE,
Very plump and very hearty, as all honest love should be,
And he said, I've found a game out, never slow and never flighty,
And it's capable of skill as well as spooning, as you'll see."
Then he sang a song of croquet, of its present and hereafter,
With such exquisite persuasion, and such mischief in his eyes,
That the deities, delighted, shook Olympus with their laughter,
-- And to CUPID was awarded, for his cheekiness, the prize!

A Hint. Quite So.
WHEREroRE this rage for sauces? Literature is paling before con- "AN advocate of fair play" writes to protest against the outcry
diments, and the Chef" sauce is advertised almost as extensively as which certain railway shareholders are making about the failure of a
the Broadway. The hoardings of London at the present moment must gigantic contracting firm. He says-with some show of reason-that
be a source of irritation to a hungry man. "The" sauce fights for a man deserves to lose his money if he places it in the hands of a firm
the mastery with the Chef," so ably recommended for dyspepsia; which is practically PETO-and bets!
while the Mancunium" insists upon stepping in with another claim
for recognition, and a reminder that hitherto we have not been posted Dog French.
in the classical name for Manchester. But what have these piccalilly
merchants been at not to have hit upon the one great title for gherkins A VETERINARY surgeon of our acquaintance, who has just returned
which would delicately combine fact with fancy? Think of the from the French Exhibition with a smattering of the language, has
flaring announcement on the walls, "Try our MANSPIELD Curry," or given to one ward in his "Hospital for Dogs" what he calls the appro-
"For irritable patients there is no remedy like JEavis' Pickles private title of the salle d manger.

SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.] F U N 13

[From Mfiss Julia Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Miss AiAinta Jipkittle, Nor.
MY DEAR MINTY,-As I promised, when I left Athene Lodge, and
" the almost motherly care of the MISSEs NIPPER (N.B. French,
dancing, and music extra)," I write to tell you that a most important
event in my life seems to be looming in the distance. Since I quitted
the Academy I have, as you know, been living with my uncle CALEB,
who is, alas, an oil and Italian warehouseman, having inherited the
business from my grandfather, while my late pa deviated into the
artistic branch of it by painting in oils, and having a picture once in
the Royal Academy. Although at his death, owing to the mere solid
advantages of trade over the fame of the painter's profession (and the
picture was noticed in one of the papers, though hung somewhere near
the ceiling), I have been compelled to reside with my uncle; I trust I
have a soul above pickles and salad oil, and have ever sighed for some
loftier sphere, who would have the manners of a gentleman, and the
means of something above the common.
I believe my aunt, who is a woman without any mind, and doesn't
know it two minutes together, is thinking of me for one of my cousins,
only she can't quite decide which. GEORGE is the eldest, and is a pre-
destined oil-and-Italian, so that I dismiss him at once. WVILLIAM is at
the London University, or some such place, studying to be a natural
philosopher, or something of the kind, only he reminds me so dreadfully
of the Polytechnic and Miss JANE NIPPER's lectures on Natural Science,
that I can't bear him. The rest of the family are young, my aunt
apparently couldn't make up her mind for six years or so whether she
would have any more children after GEORGE, WILLIAM, and MATILDA
(such a guy, MINTY !), and then made up for lost time with twins, and
one every year since.
My uncle destines me for his manager, Mr. PIPPINGs-a short, pale
man, with freckles and red hair. A coronet would be dear at such a
price-a possible partnership in a pickle trade impossible !
We have been down here a week. It's a delightful and very little
place, with a little bay-GEORGE says it's so small, its only a bay-bay
-all to itself. It is more select, and less numerous than Ramsgate and
Margate, and very quiet. The pier is so small, GEonRG says it's only
a courtesy title, and there are only about a dozen bathing machines.
There's a cliff and a promenade, with a place GEORGE calls the
gardens of Gull"-a grass-plat with eight or ten tame seagulls walking
about. They seem to belong to an old lady who keeps the usual sea-
side shell-and-alabaster stall. GEORGE calls her the old gu(r)l"-he's
always making his stupid jokes, and trying to be agreeable.
I- But all this is not what I meant by looming in the future. I have
made the acquaintance of such a dear duckl of a handsome creature. He
is quite le militaire, and his name is AGIER, and such a duck of a mous-
tache, and such boots, and he is so clever, and knows everybody. He
came down in the same boat with us to Margate, and we made quite
friends. He pointed me out Mr. CH*nL*s D*cK*NS here on the beach
yesterday-not at all like his photographs, for he is about six feet high,
stout in proportion, no whiskers, and bald. He knows ALGERNON (that
is that dear Mr. ACIER's name), quite well, and bowed to him when he
was walking with me /
There but I must conclude, for it is just post-time. More in my next.
Your loving
P.S.-I don't sign my surname in full, because-but as you so often
said, no girl can help her surname, it is her duty to try and select a
P.S.S.-WILLIAM, the natural philosopher, is endeavouring to solve
the problem why all the doors at seaside lodgings never shut properly,
and can only be opened by turning the handle in exactly the opposite
direction to the ordinary.

[Mr. Caleb Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Mr. Tippings, Oil and Italian Ware-

house, Lower Carboy-street, City.]
DEAR SIR,-This family, consigned per steamboat to Margate, and
on by conveyance, as arranged before leaving London, was duly deli-
vered en the afternoon of Monday last. No damages in transit, with
the exception of a flask of best oil broken in Mrs. L.'s box.
We find the situation airy and salubrious, with a fine opening for the
junior branches on the sands. We could not recommend the sand here
for ordinary scouring purposes, being of an inferior sort, and rather
coarse. Mr. GEORGE went out fishing two days ago. His alleged in-
tention was to catch sprats with a view to discovering if they are the
sardines of commerce in a state of nature; but whether the idea was
prompted by a spirit of fun, or an eye to business, I cannot say, for, as
you know, I regret to say the future head of the business displays a
levity quite inconsistent with the oil and Italian interests.

Having advised you of our arrival, I shall expect to hear daily
reports of the warehouse. Please state when the expected consignment
of Bath bricks arrives from Bristol.
Your obedient servant,
(To be continued.)

No. 27.
CoMr unto these yellow sands"-
And make a circle, joining hands,
Dance round and round,
And skip and bound.
In brisk aquatic sarabands!

Famous old THACKERAY-
Foe to all quackery-
Gave him this nick-namo-
A likely-to-stick name!
Just bake-not too fiercely-your greens or your meat,
First closing the oven-door well:
Then the first man of science call in from tho street,
And he'll give you this name for the smell.
Of this classical tar
The journeyings are
Recorded in metrical lore.
Like our tar of to-day
He'd a fleece, by the way,
Awaiting his coming ashore.
At the pipe, and the cup, and the woolly peruquo,
Don't be shy, sirs! Allow me-the aunt of a duke!
They mean-a title on these things conferring-
They're neither fish, flesh, fowl, nor good red-herring.
With horn and wing-
A weird-like thing-
A ghoul-a ghost-a phantom I'm!
And you'll be vext
At Christmas next
Unless I'm in the pantomime.
If from the yoke this wight be not soon freed,
I fear 'twill chicken-hearted prove, indeed!

C Civic C
H Honolulu U
A Air 1R
M Miami I
E Erato 0
L Lips S
E Echini I
O Oat T
N Nay Y
side); Mashed Turnips; Jerry Ditton; 0. K. (Brighton); Vinie; Holdfast;

An Interesting Mem.
IN olden times the student or man of letters was frequently accused
of dealing in magic. How little have things changed in this respect
during the lapse of centuries! From a careful perusal of contempo-
rary literature, we are compelled to come to the conclusion that the
majority of writers of the present day might be convicted out of their
own writings of and-which"-craft!

Turf Nomenclature.
FLYING ScuD.-This horse has been re-named and will in future be
known as the Bouci Colt.



DEAR LETTY,-Now that you are amongst the fashionables as have
gone out of town, I think I must say that it's you as should write to
me; at least such is what I always heard was the case in the Family
iHerald Etiket Book, that it is the superior as first takes notice, and
that makes good the old sayin', Don't speak till you're spoke to."
I haven't no patience with them newspapers, which all of 'em say as
everybody's in the country, and that there's nobody left in London and
such like, as I consider insulting to us that's compelled for to stay here,
and as the Flanure in the Morning Star said only last week, as there
was the Editor of the Times and MR. TOD-HRATLY (whoever can he be
with such a funny name), and MR. TOM TAYLOR, and the Flanure
hisself and a good many other important people still in London, so I
says ditto to Mr. Flanure which wherever he can have got such a name
from I can't make out, as always reminds me of underclothing, as we
shall soon be wanting to take to again if the weather gets much cooler.
But as I was a-sayin', however the papers can pretend as everybody is
gone to the seaside-for I can tell you not even you ain't everybody,
LETITIA-passes my judgment when there's no ockilar difference in the
crowds of people in Cheapside, and when we know that not a sixth
part of the people in our spere of life, nor yet a tenth of the lower
orders, if even a twentieth, gets more than a breath of country for
above a day or so from year's end to year's end, and what's more,
don't want it; for, as I often say, there's nothing like London after
all, as I'd rather stay at home with my comforts around me in the hot
weather, than be stived up in a frumpy lodgin' by the seaside, where
them as is used to a good bedstead that's regular cleaned three times a
year and not a vestige of a animalachi, can't get over the sort o'
company as they find. Why, there's Southend, as the journey is
certainly not dear at half-a-crown both ways. You never catch me
a-goin' there to sit down on the grass in the ornymental garden again,
which the grass is that invested in fleas, that your things is regular
lined with 'em. No, there's more stays in London by half than goes
out of it; and though I hold with a change when you can get it
comfortable, I don't see why you as goes away should give yourself
such airs as to say you're everybody, but SAM says as that's what's
called representation by the minority, and if it's got anything to do

[SEPTEMBER 14, 1867.

with politics I think it's high time as the QuEET come and looked
into it, afore she goes away to France where I do hear she's invited
next October. But law, there; if you're enjoying yourself at Margate,
and I don't say but what the srimps is a pleasure, and so's the jetty
when the wind ain't that high as gives you no control, I don't envy
you, for me and SAM we've got High-park pretty well to ourselves now
there ain't no rough meetings; and if September's the best month in
the country it's a good deal better in London. Why, if you want
fresh air, just go out for a stroll round St. Paul's Churchyard at about
dusk and you'll have plenty of it I'll be bound, as well I know as
have had that best umbrella o' mine torn to ribbons, as SAM and me
was on our ways to the penny boat. Becos, don't you think us people
here insignificant as they maybe don't take their pleasures; I can tell
you I've been regular holiday making' ever since you left; and what
should we do-me and SAM-the other evening but go for a escursion
up the river. Such a splendid sight, and the water quite fresh to what
it used to be, and the bridges and the grand public buildings beautiful
on the shore, as is soon to be laid out as a promenard, all stone and
marvellous. Well, we had such a tea at a place quite close to the
Lowther Arcade by an Itallian name of GATTI, and then where do
you think we went ? Why, to the Covent Garden Theatre, where-
There, don't talk of no other concerts! Why, it was just the same
as that night when we went to JULLIEN'S when me and SAM was
a-courtin', only there's two masters of the ceremonies now-nobody
hasn't been able to support the fatigue as poor JUTLLIEN did, a-flourish-
ing that stick about, and keeping the others up to the scratch-reg'lar
slave-driving, I call it. But lor, they do play beautiful; and the
place that full and yet not at all incommosive. The second conductor,
one by the name of STRAws-which what queer names these foreigners
do give themselves-it's wonderful to see him, how he goes at it; and
every now and then a-snatchin' up his fiddle and tearing away on it,
to show the rest how to keep the pot a-bilin'. The singing, too, was
beautiful, and the ladies-though perhaps they do dress that low as
wouldn't suit the mother of a family-quite picters for the fashions, as
I was obliged for to regular drag SAM away when a young Spanish lady
got up on the orkstrer; but let me tell you we didn't go till we'd had
a something. Yours,

* Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phfanix Wora, St. Anirew's H1i, Doctors' Commons, and Publishted (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, as au, r eet-street, E.C.-
September 14, 1867.

SEPTEMBER 21, 1867.]. 15

TROUBADOUR he played
Without a castle wall,
Within, a hapless maid
Responded to his call.
S/* "Oh, willow, woe is me!
Alack and well-a-day!
If I were only free
( I'd hie me far away!"
Unknown her face and name,
But this he knew right well,
The maiden's wailing came
From out a dungeon cell.
A hapless woman lay
Within that dungeon grim-
That fact, I've heard him say,
Was quite enough for him.
"I will not sit or lie,
Or eat or drink, I vow,
Till thou art free as I,
Or I as pent as thou!"
Her tears then ceased to flow,
Her wails no longer rang,
And tuneful in her woe
The prisoned maiden sang:
"Oh, stranger, as you play
I recognize your touch;
And all that I can say
Is thank you very much !"
He seized his clarion straight
And blew threat, until
A warden oped the gate,
Oh, what might be your will ? "
"I've come, sir knave, to see
The master of these halls:
A maid unwillingly
Lies prisoned in their walls."
With barely stifled sigh
That porter drooped his head,
With teardrops in his eye,
"A many, sir," he said.
He stayed to hear no more,
But pushed that porter by,
And shortly stood before
SIR HUGH he darkly frowned,
"What would you, sir, with me ?"
The troubadour he downed
Upon his bended knee.

To do a Christian task,
You ask me what would I?
It is not much I ask.
" Release these maidens, sir,
Whom you dominion o'er-
Particularly her
Upon the second floor!"

"And if you don't, my lord"-
He here stood bolt upright,
And tapped a tailor's sword-
Come out, you cad, and fight! "

SiR HUGH he called-and ran
The warden from the gate:
"Go, show this gentleman
The maid in forty-eight."
By many a cell they past
And stopped at length before
A portal, bolted fast:
The man unlocked the door.
He called inside the gate
With coarse and brutal shout,
"Come, step it, forty-eight!"
And forty-eight stepped out.

*'_"' ~ ~ ~

"They gets it precious hot,
The maidens wet we cotch-
Two years this lady's got
For collaring a wotch."
"Oh, ah !-indeed-I see "-
The troubadour exclaimed-
"If I may make so free,
How is this castle named "
The warden's eyelids fill,
And sighing, he replied,
Of gloomy Pentonville
This is the Female Side "
The minstrel did not wait
The warden stout to thank,
But recollected straight
He'd business at the Bank!

MOTTO ron THE LEADING JOURNAL.-Tempora mutantur.

VOL. VI. 1

F N [SEPTEMBER 21, 1867.

Cobrn (alh.

'? WAS a little doubtful of the good
news from Abyssinia the other
day when I wrote, but I didn't
like to seem a croaker. However,
it appears the report of the release
of the captives is not confirmed-
but rather the reverse. It's a bad
job, for I don't think we shall get
honour or credit by the .expedi-
TaE Yankees are a wonderful
r people Amid all their home dif-
S I ficulties and squabbles they can
find time to make a difficulty with
us about the Alabama and a hun-
dred other similar matters. LonD
STANLEY has conducted his corre-
spondence with SEWARD admirably,
and I trust he will carry his point,
and bring matters to an amicable
settlement. I am the more hope-
ful, because I think it likely that
SEWARD is only working the oracle
for his own purposes. No doubt his hectoring with England is a good
move for electioneering; purposes, and he may have a deep game in
view of which few suspect him.
THE John T. Ford, attempting to- follow the suit.of the Red, White,
and Blue, got wrecked the other day-and no one will be astonished
to hear it. She was not built on lifeboat principles, and does not seem
to have been well handled. It is to be hoped this will put a stop to
such rash ventures. I should be glad to see another style of naviga-
tion knocked on the head-I mean the use of the so-called canoe. The
owner of the Rob Roy has much to answer for. He has set a lot of
imitative noodles running after a novelty, and until some serious acci-
dents have happened the "fad" will be persisted in. It has none of
the merits of rowing, and more than its dangers. It is neither skilful
nor graceful work-put one of your canoe-men into the real Indian
craft, with the single paddle, and see what he would do! I hope that
boating men will set their faces against the novelty, and exclude it
from regattas and races; and that it will be discouraged at Eton, our
great rowing school.
THE French Exhibition, from all accounts, is likely to be a big
failure; the Imperial Commission could not have managed matters
much worse if it had been composed of COLES and DILKES. The un-
seemly row about the chairs was almost worthy of our commission.
The number of visitors is falling off, the shows in the grounds don't
pay, the theatre is closed by bankruptcy, and, altogether, the affair is
in a poor way. It is likely to be the last of those big bazaars which
went by the pretentious name of "International Exhibitions -which
were to aid peace and commerce, but which never hindered a war, and
damaged as many tradesmen as they benefited. We know all about
them over here, having held several, and the result is that, according
to the papers, the show in the English department is very poor indeed
-because the British tradesman did not care to go over and advertise
on such exorbitant terms !
The Argosy this month is more than ordinarily good. Lieutenant
Foozy is capital; so is Grumpibus and the Cereus; and there are
other good papers. The verse, too, is better than usual. The Sunday
Magazine is strong in its illustrations, and the principal story keeps up
its interest well. The rest is up to the accustomed standard of this
periodical. Good Words is well illustrated this month, but though
there's a new story begun by GEORGE MAcD)ONALD, and a pleasant
paper on La Belle France by Joau HALI AX, the thing for which
the number will be best known is an article on "Our Discharged
Convicts," from the able pen of Dn. W. GILBERT. It contains
some surprising revelations, which may be relied on, however, as they
come from a writer who does not mix facts and sensation. I should
recommend every one who takes an interest in social questions to get
this month's Good Words. Routledge's Magazine for Boys keeps well
up to the mark. The Gardener's Magazine contains much seasonable
advice for this critical period of the year; and Le Follet will no doubt
afford employment and meditation for the fair, who have plenty of
time on their hands just now.
A dramatic star that has long shone steadily in the light of popular
favour has just retired. 'PAUL BaDFoRD has left the stage. I was
present the other day when he made his first appearance in a new
character (or, rather, an old one resumed) as a vocalist at the Hall by
the Sea. The veteran had a hearty reception, and deserved it, for he

sang capitally in the good old style. He will, I suppose, have a
benefit, which I trust will be a bumper; but let us hope that his long
connexion with the Adelphi does not entail banishment to Maybury.. 4
FAIR play is a jewel! The opposition tubs managed, the other day,
it being the dull season, to set off a paragraph about the Albert Victor,
which was an absurd exaggeration. I was not on board, but one who
was tells me she merely grated twice on the sort of foundation wall of
the Boulogne pier. Any one who has seen CAPTAIN MARTIN take the
boat-a long one, too-through the Pool will trust his seamanship
anywhere. It is quite cheerful to see the way in which she overhauls
the opposition boats, though they start half-an-hour before her. It is
to be hoped, in the interest of the public, whose comfort is thoroughly
attended to on board her, that the combination will not succeed in
running her off.
TiiE theatres are opening, so that I suppose town is filling. It has
not been so empty, by the way, that it could not fill the Strand so well
as to induce MR. and Mae. HOWARD PAUL to continue their enter-
tainment for another week or so.

OH, MR. FENTON, say,
If thousands, day by day,
Must hurt their lungs in your sub-ways infernal ?
Or was the Globe's queer hash
Of science, only trash
Sensational, to make folks buy that journal.
Do we, whene'er we pass,
Breathe deleterious gas,
That hurts the wind-pipe at the Gower-street station ?
And in the tunnels drear
Is fearful fire-damp near,
To whelm us in a general conflagration ?
True, an old lady died
With pains in chest and side,
From trav'lling where the sempiternal night is;
But you may safely swear,
She would have died elsewhere,
For why ? She had a very bad bronchitis.
Though LANKESTER still prates,
And says the line he hates,
A coroner who talks too much at random;
Yet thousands love that way
Of travelling: you can say
De geistibus, sir, non est disputandzn.
Though sulphur hangs about,
Not pleasant there, no doubt,
It isn't in a quantity alarming.
And yellow gas you burn,
Gives dim light that will turn
An ancient lady to a maiden charming.
That writer I. pine,
Who raved about the line,
And talked of choke-damp and of poisonous gases;
Of chemistry knew nought
As certainly he ought;
We'll leave him in the catalogue of asses.
We'll throng the station door,
Although the CH4
Be round about us as that scribe supposes;
Serene, unmoved are we
Although some CO0
May tickle his most sensitive of noses.
Therefore be of good cheer,
FENTON, through all the year,
High dividends shall glad thy sage directors,
In spite of foolish men,
Who wield a feeble pen,
Mayhaps of rival lines the wild projectors.
Still until "Dust to dust"
Is read o'er me, I'll trust
Myself with comfort to the Metropoli-
Tan, for I always find
There comes a pleasant wind,
And in it locomotion's very jolly.

WsY is a widow's costume like a field of turnips ?-Because it's


SnPTEenz 21 1867.1 F U IT. 17

A BOTTLE has been forwarded to our office. The bottle is not pre-
cisely empty, inasmuch as it contains what purports to be a communi-
cation from our eccentric contributor, NICHOLAS. In every other
respect, however, it is as empty as a bottle could possibly be. The
label on it bears the legend Sherry Wine." We hasten to lay this
remarkable document before our readers.
MY DEAn Yo -xw FnrwnD,-If, by any -rossibility, this bottle should
meet the eye of MR. FRANK BUCKLAND, than whom a more vivacious
man of science, nor yet a more truly rural ostreacultural ostreacul-
turalist, though a little gay-and when I say "meet his eye,"
NIcHOLAs do not suppose as he will be out bathing and diving, and
that this peculiar medium of postal communication will bob right up
against his optic just as he emerges for to have a sort of a blow-and
when I say a sort of a blow," the Old Man does not mean as the
bottle should hit him, but more after the manner of a whale,-MR. B.
.will, perhaps, be so good enough for to send it to the Office of FUN,
and which he knows where it is.
The Prophet, Sir, had been wallowing in the lapses of luxury to
such an extent that he had pretty well nigh forgotten the necessity of
predicting the winner of the St. Leger. This morning, for inastnce,
there was me and REGINALD Da COUacy and little SPIrTeiw aet out
from Ventnor for a day's sea-fishing. SPrrimNs-which his father
made his money in retail trade, and accordingly SPIFF. calls every
man a cad which is hard-up, as I may have been myself, Sir-was
only too proud, nevertheless, for to come out along of a territorial
swell like REGINALD, and a literary celebrity like me,; and so, for to
amuse him, we let him pay the expenses, and likewise bring worms for
10.30 a.-m.-Wind, Sou'ard-by-West-Westerly. Chorus, Far, far
upon the sea. Sentiment, The Memory of the late LORD NELSON.
Toast, Here's the Wind that blows, and the Ship that goes, and the
Lass that loves a sailor! Pushed off. Set sail.
10.35.-Made an observation. Reading of it taken by BrurALD, as
follows:-" SIrFF., hand over a corkscrew, and look after the womsn,
will you ?"
11.3.-The stormy winds did blow, did blow, and the stormy winds
do blow SpIFF. engaged in fixing the bait on the lines. REGINALD
and me was a-smoking, so for to speak.
11.10.-Opened a bottle of sherry wine. Told Spirr. as he might
have some, if so be as he insisted upon it, but which he had much
better attend to the worms. Memorandumi.-SPreF. ain't much of a
good sailor, when all's said and done.
11.30.-Began for to fish. Me and REOINALD took it easy, so for to
speak, and let little SPIFF. attend to the lines. What beautiful lines,
for instance, were those made by Dna. WATrTs: '" How doth the busy
little SPIFr. Improve each shining minute! Hie:goes a-fishing in a
skiff, Ri fol do rol do rol!" 'SPIF. ain't much of a good sailor,
11.35.-Say what they will, the rolling motion of a small sailing-
boat is much more adapted for a stupid young fool like SIFFr., or for a
robust member of the territorirorial aristocracy like REGINALD, than
what it is for a man of literary genius, meaning me. They were very
good to me, both of 'em; and which I am afraid as it was partly my
own fault, the Prophet having imprudently said as he was fond of ai
short chopping sea, like what there is around me at. the present
moment-oh LORD, oh LoaR !
11.40.-They say it does you good, though.
11.45.-It may be doing me good. I dare say as it is. I will
humbly endeavour for to believe so. But I wish as it would not do me,
good in this here particular way.
12.0 Noon, at fMeriditnm.- There are worse fellows in the world than
little SPeiF., likewise than REGINAID. They have put things over
me; -and- they have likewise put things into me, so for to speak.
Cognac. Sherry-wine. Bottled Beer. Sherry-wine. Bottled Beer.
Cognac. Old Man '11 have a sleep.
If, by any possibility, this bottle should meet the eye of MR. FnRANK
BUCKLAND-and which perhaps I may as well clean it out first of all,
by partaking of the sherry-wine which it contains-let him tell the
Editor as I was constant to my duties up to the very last. I am
miserably, hopelessly, and desperately ill. I do not think as I shall
ever live for to get ashore. I am ccitaii that, if I should, no earthly
power will ever again induce me for to venture on the watery deep.
But, if even this Prophecy shoi.11 prove my last, [ will tell my i ear
young F:iend and the general public, of whom 1 don't think much,
that the following is the

Achievement ............................ 1
The Hermit ............................ 2
Julius .................................. 3
I solemnly commit this bottle to the deep. Time will show whether
the Vision which came to me whilst Slumbering on the Ocean was, or
was not, Fallacious. NicHOLAs.

No. 28.
BPromTs in the papers speak terrible truth,
And unwilling informers stand up without ruth,
To tell of such deeds as should make every cheek
Hot withshame, when we think that one language wespe4k,
With the men who came forward in these Christian times
to glory in outrage and murderous crimes.

Her bonnet strings she tied beneath a chin
So soft, that when a tress was twined therein:
I weald not for the world the chance have misa'd
Shpgave me when my hand released the twist.
A letter PLATO and those swells of old
Used when of Greek philosophy they told.
We take it whenever we happen to ,get it
From savings, and sometimes we live to regret it;
For often we find that it goes like a shot-it
We took so serenely, with that which begot it.
-On Tamise ripe" as erst old LELAND said,
They glide in this past many an osier bed.
Her lover used her in a shabby way,
She must have been, I think, an aggravated :
And she forgave him in the end ; we may,
I think, declare she had a noble "natur."

These of strawberries in summer-time,
Asked the poet. But a yule-log splinter,
"Good ghost stories, and a classic rhyme,"
liHe demanded, for themights of winter.
7. 1
It rested neathh my feet, it braved the tide,
And very properly got plump and wide,
And then, ah! hapless fiat, it calmly diodil.
WILLIAx, of Deloraino, good at need,
Rode.over this on his trusly steed.;
Well they rode in those days of old,
Often on this in death they rolled.

HE Hilt T
0 Othello 0'
L LandaiT U
I Ilaler U
D DoniAetti I'
A Alas 'S
Y Yeast T
CORnncT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIq No. 26, RECEIT5RD Sf.T. 12T :-Coppor-fColourrd
Billy; Alick and Vie.; Pat and Pop; 0. K., Brighton; Philofun; lwo Claphalm
Contortionists; Peri; Contance; Cairnton; Froggy; Deeside; Triuimirate; Two
Boiled Owls; Nanny's Pet; Merry Andrew; Palt Gyp, Breakside and lilaishli;
Little A to Bouncing 1; II. L. J.; Dio doll'or; Sir b. Clicleenbone; Miasled
Turnips; Annie G. J.; Xarifa; Gill-sucker; Bow Wow; Timber; Varney thm V.;
Tiny )itton; Harrow Weald; The Sixty-Eighth; Bondellisa 1. B.; Bryn Sype.

Not Quite Plain.
A coNTEMProIuRY states, somewhat curtly, that "it is intended by
the Halifax Corporation to ipply to Parliament next session for in-
creasco water powers." This statement is a little obscure in moaning.
Is Halifax desirous of obtaining an increased representation, or does
it think the House ol Commons the right place to go to for pumps ?


LSIPTEMBER 21, 1867.


I WANT an hour of PEGASUS to-day
To trot me through a short and sweet epistle;
APOLLO, bring a lyre and put away
My penny whistle.
I ride about the slowest back in town
(Perhaps a little slower than its rider)-
My share of Helicon would hardly drown
A thirsty spider.
The fount is dry, and PEGASTS is out;
Perchance young ALGERNON-the far from proper-
Has borrowed him; and ALGERNON no doubt
Will come a cropper,"
A beggar put on horseback, people say,
Will gallop off to regions not the upper ;
I trust they've not lent PEGAsUs to-day
BROWNING may take him if he wants a run,
Because he knows the pace to ride to glory at;
I'd scarcely trust another bard-save one,
And that's the Laureate.
Why is the Laureate idle
When PEGASUS waits at his door,
Ready with saddle and bridle
Either for mountain or moor ?
Let him, for love or for glory,
(What has a poet to do ?)
Give us a song or a story,
Give us an idyll or two.
Singers enough we have that sing,
And players that play on a single string;
Society-bards to chant the loves
Of handsome fribbles in white kid gloves ;

Mystic men of the Festus kind,
Who are growing a difficult class to find.
We have them all and a score beside,
And the field grows every day more wide;
But there's rather an absence amongst them all
Of a Queen of the May, or a Lokesley Hall;
And they seldom fancy it worth their while
To write in the In Memoriam style.
I wish they did; but until they do,
We shall always be happy to hear from you!

"I Gas so!"
THE Globe has discovered that the Metropolitan Railway is "a.
dangerous mine "-that, in fact, it is a mere manufactory ef that
terrible gas known as fire-damp. If the writer of the article. has
actually inspected the line, there can be no doubt that gas is generated
there, but, to judge from its effects on him, we should be inclined to
think it is laughing gas.

"Here they Speak the English."
No wonder that the present generation is grossly ignorant of
English grammar. A book is announced as The Joys and Sorrows of
a Schoolmaster; by One of Themselves." One of the joys, or one of
the sorrows, we wonder ? Of course the blunderer meant, "by a school-
master"-very much abroad!

Nation and Natation.
THE Swedish fleet has been cruising off the coast of Finland, and
some of its officers have been feted at Helsingfors. COUNT VALLEN,
the Governor of the province, made a long speech about the prosperity
of the country. He might have epitomized it with advantage. It
would have been enough to say that the Fins get on swimmingly.

THE PERMANENT ExrOSlTiON.-Between W and Y.



IT was the week afore we was goin' to move as Mas. PADWleK's
daughter came over to see me, a-luggin' of that infant of 'ern thro'
the brilin' sun as is enough to make both mother and child ill I should
say, and glad tho' I was to see 'er were sorry to find things 'adn't
gone well with 'er since marrying that greengrocer, as I never did
fancy the match myself through 'im being a widower, and the prices
as he'd charge for things was downright hidjous, leastways to them as
dealt with 'im for credit, as was only a bit of a place down the Mews,
with keeping a wan for goods removed, as 'is were. Parties as wants
credit does wrong, in my opinion, in dealing' at them third-rate places,
as always charges enormous and never supplies you with anything but
what's inferior. No, if you are going' to get into debt, as you are
quite sure you can pay them, run tick at a first-rate shop.
Well, as I were a-sayin', 'LIZA, as is MRs. PADWICK'S daughter's
name, she told me as they'd been sold up thro' MARTINs-as is 'er
'usband-puttin' 'is name to a bill.
I says, You don't mean to say as they've took the bed from undqr
you ? ". She says, "They 'ave."
I says, Wherever are you livin' ?" "Oh," she says, I've got a
house to take care on close to Portman-square thro' the family bein'
She says, We was stopping' for a bit with mother, but she's got 'er
housee full now; besides, MARTINS made 'isself werry disagreeable,
many ways, partick'ler with 'is pipe, as led to words; so, 'earin' about
this housee to take care on, I went arter it and got it, as will give us:a
housee till November, and by that time MARTINS will 'ave got something'
to do."
"Well," I says, "I 'opes he may," but 'ad my own opinion about
'im, as is too fond of the public housee for me, and talks about betting'
and sporting' a deal too free for only a greengrocer; as is werry well
for them as 'ave mony to throw away.
Poor 'LIzA were werry thankful for some old things as I looked up
for 'er, for really I see as she 'adn't 'ardly a second thing to stand up-
right in, as did used to be dressed up to the nines, as the sayin' is;
and when she went away I see 'erinto a 'bus, and she promised to let
me know when she got 'ome, as 'ad 'er 'ands full, what with the baby
and the bundle.
I didn't 'ear of 'er for more than three weeks, and then got a note to
say as 'er child were a-dyin', and off I sets at once for to go and
see 'er.
It was a werry nice housee as she were a-takin' care off, with the
housekeeper's rooms and the kitchen, and a bedroom the top of the housee
o live in.
She was that pleased to see me, and said as the child 'ad 'ad two
attacks of croup as 'ad werry nigh been its last.
I says, I've seen many a child look wuss than that as 'ave lived
thro' it and grow'd to manhood." I says, "It's the food as is killing'
that child." Oh," she says, I gives it baked flour, like the Royal
family "
I says, Bother the Royal family; what suits their stomioks mayn't,
suit your child. Take my advice, and stick to tops and bottoms."
"Oh," she says, she can't keep 'em on her stomach."
I says, I dare say not, jest done like poultice and forced down her
throat." I says, "I'll show you 'ow to do 'em," and so I did, and the
child seemed to thrive from that wery 'our.
I was able to stop with 'er a bit, as we was jest settled, and BROWN
yas gone to Brummagem for a few days, so I slep' at MRS. PADWICK's,
and was with poor 'LizA a good deal, and made 'or and 'er mother
friends, as 'ad got quarrelin' about MARTINs. As I says to MRs. PADn-
WICK, "Ain't it right as she should stick to 'er husbandd ?" so they was
all right, but Mus. PADWICK would not speak to MARTINs all the same
thro' not forgivin' of 'im a-speakin' of 'er as a toothless old mummy,
as is not respectful I must allow.
'LIZA and me did used to sit worry often at the parlor winder of a
evening as the air seemed to do that child good, but there come a most
unpleasant smell as were quite sickening 'LIZA says, "I can't make
out what it is."
SI says, "Can't you ? then I can." I says, "It's a pig-tub as is
hop' somewhere abouts" "Oh," she says, "nobody wouldn't keep such
a beastly thing as a pig-tub in respectable housess like these."
I says, "You never can tell what games some cooks is up to."
It so happenedd as the werry next morning' I come round to 'LIZA
about eight, thro' being a lovely morning and 'er mother wantin' to
send 'er some new-laid eggs as 'ad come from the country in a basket,
when what should I see a-standin' at the worry next door but a donkey-
cart with a old man and a dog, as 'ad come to fetch away the pig-wash
as were kep' down in a cellar in that front airy, as stunk the werry
place out. It quite turned my stomick and made me turn agin', and
I says to 'LIZA, as come to the door, It's enough to breed a fever,"
:and glad I was to get indoors.
I stopped for a bit with 'LIZA as I were a-going 'ome that afternoon,
and I says to 'er, Now mind that child of yourn, if croups set in,


don't on no account 'ave no bleedin'; stick to ippicacuanner, as will
do wonders," and off I goes; and as I was a-goin' down the steps a
stout party were a-standin' at the airy gate next door, as looked like
the cook. She says to a female as were down in the airy, "She looks
like one as don't fancy a pig-tub," and bust out a-larfin'.
I says to 'er, If you are illudin' to me, I do not like pig-tubs, and
you must be a dirty drab to keep one, and more fools them as lots you
arbour your filth under their noses."- .. .,
She says, You're a good judge of filth, I should say."
Yes," I says, you're right; I can spot it in a instant. I know'd
you the moment I set eyes on you." She says, I'll use the mop to
you if you don't go on."
I says, "Dare to, that's all." She opens the airy gate, and gives a
shove at me with the mop, a-makin' believe, but I walks up to the
front door and I give a peal at the bell as woke 'em up. Out come a
man servant in one of them striped jackets as were waiting' at break-
fast, and says, "VWhat does this mean ? "
A old gent, with a face as red as a turkey cock and a white 'end,
come to the parlor winder and says, Whatthe devil do you mean by
ringin' the bell like that ?"
I says, Your cook, as is in liquor I should say, is insultin' parties
with 'or mop." He says, I'll send for a porlioeman."
I says, "I would if I was you, and I'd send 'or off pig-tub and
all, as is a regular nuisance to the neighbourhood."
I do think as that old feller was worry nigh dropping' with rage; he
couldn't get 'is words out, as were, p'raps, owin' to 'is 'avin' 'is mouth
full of 'is breakfast. He says, WILKINS, go for the police."
I was a-turnin' to go away, and he oilerss out, Detain that field-
male," to a man as wera passing' by, as only says to 'im, Detain 'er
The policeman come back with the servant, and as soon as he heardd
my story, he says to the old gentleman, as 'ad come to the door, Do
you mean to give this party in charge P The old gentleman he says
nothing, so I only says, Let 'im dare and he'll rue it; and so I
says, Good day," and off I walks.
But sich a lark it turned out about that pig-tub, for if that cook
wasn't a regular thief, and the old man in the donkey-cart a receiver,
and the things as she cleared out of that housee was wonderful, for it
come to a trial, and that cook got two years and the donkey-cart
eighteen months, and 'LIZA told me it was all found out through me
a-callin' that old feller's attention to that pig-tub, as was a regular
deep-laid plant as that cook thought would be kep' in ambush down in
that airy and no suspicions, but 'ow any one could sot in the front
parler and bear it I can't think, as the dustholes is bad enough as you
can't keep the lobster shells out on, nor yet other refuse, and the con-
sequences is bluebottles as big as donkeys and a stifllin' smell; but
where to put 'em is the puzzle, for them dustmenn is as proud as dukes,
and won't look at your dusthole under twopence, as is their duty to
remove regular; but law, they do as they please all over the world-,
leastwise I can speak for South Lambeth and the West End.

How sweet-how ineffably jolly, ah me,
To be taking a holiday down by the sea !
To chase-and to fly when in turn it pursues-
The wave that is lavish in filling your shoes;
To scribble your name in a bold running hand,
Or write, "My Amelia," at large on the sand.
To chivy the crab from his bladder-weed haunts,
And mock at his gait with unscrupulous taunts-
To hunt up the sand-worm's select Agapemone-
Or feed with cigar-lights a hungry anemone.
The limpet to catch when he's not on his guard,
And send with a tap flying full half a yard.
The mild periwinkle to plague for his sins,
And murder his peace with suggestions of pins.
To try-ah, how vainly-to capture the shrimp,
Or the dim, ghostlike prawn, who's as smart as an imp-
Or to chase on the sands little jumpers so hoppy-_ ,,
Oh, isn't it better than grinding at copy !

A GREAT promotion has fallen on the turnip. A little while since its
destiny was to furnish lantern-heads for ghosts. Now it is to supplant
the pineapple. Some ingenious Parisian confectioner has devised a
syrup which changes the ordinary turnip into a pine! What next?
We shall have apples turned into apricots and potatoes into plums.
This comes of the democratic tendencies of the age! If we can mak e
baronets out of WaNTwoIuT DILKE and C.B,'s out of COLaE, why not
pineapples out of turnips ?

SEPTEMBER 21, 1867.]


[SEPTEMBER 21, 1867.


[From George Loblolly, Esq., Broadstairs, to Charles Smith, Esq., London.]
DEAR CHARLIE,-Here we are at the seaside for our annual holiday.
It's very jolly here, anl I'm enjoying it very much-the place is quiet,
though it lies between Margate and Rimngate. It is free from the
vulgarity of the former and the gentility of the latter.
All the family are here, including my cousin JULIA, a very nice girl,
only she has some stuck-up notions, in which she takes after her father
who threw up business to take to Art--nly Art didn't take to him.
However, she is in a fair way to get a lesson which I think will cure
her, and if so look out for wedding-cake and white favours.
I took my mother out for a sail the other day-lovely weather, and
such a sea and sky! But it didn't make her in the least sentimental-
she only made one remark all the time, and that was when she saw a
jelly fish swim by, and she said, That reminded her that she hadn't
been to the confectioner's to order a tart for dinner." WILtLIA went
out with us, but was awfully ill. As he says, he's a capital sailor-as
long as he stops on shore. He is dreadfully given to natural philosophy
and science since he joined the University. The other day he went
into a long dissertatioa as to the reason why people wore yellow shoes
at the seaside. He wanted to attribute it to that "wonderful provision
of nature which. enables the chameleon to assume the colour of the
tree on which it feeds." But his theory was snuffed out by a local
dealer ina shoes, who told him it was because the sea spoilt black leather.
We have pleasant lodgings here not far from the coastguard station,
on the top of a cliff. It is called the Bittery because there are no
guns there. We have been out for several drives in the neighbourhood,
but the hot weather makes the flies very troublesome-one of them
wanted six shillings to take us over to Mirgate, a matter of two
miles or so.

One of the peculiarities of the place is that every other person you
meet is called HILLER. I believe it was from this fact that DICKESs
derived the immortal name of Weller. The chief hotel in the place is
the Tartar Frigate Inn-that is, if one may call the place where
one gets the best beer in the place the chief hotel. It is close to the
pier where the boatmmn are, and I went to it as I go to the public
nearest a cab-stand, because "where good judges abound, good beer
will be found."
The governor being absent of necessity from the warehouse feels a
little out of place-like a fish out of water, or I should say, perhaps, a
whale out of oil. I believe he only bathes because it reminds him of
s) many dips-especially as people write to the newspapers and say
the bathing here is (s)candle-ous. He writes daily almost to PIPPINeS,
who responds with eqial regularity, and he seems rather cut up at my
"levity" as he calls it. The fact is, I don't feel much in love with
the warehouse, though of course I stick to it and do my duty; but I
don't see why a fellow should think so mach of the shop that he can't
enjoy a holiday-it's what I call running counter to nature. When
I'm married and settled I'll attend to the pickle and olive branches.
Cin't you run down from a Saturday till Miniay. We can give
you a bed and we might have a sail over to the Goodwin Sands -that
is if you can stand the sea. If not you'd better not go, for as WILLIAM
said the other diy, "It's no use flying in the face of your stomach,"
which was rather a new feature to me. Good-bye.-Yours,

[Fros At's. Lblolly, B,'oadstairs, to Mfrs. John Loblolly, Little Britain.]
Daa JANE,-I've just snatched a minute while the little ones are
down b thing to drop you a line. We are all down here enjoying
ourselves, except me, for what with men ting anu anxiety I'm as hard
worked as a nugro slave. And meat is dear and everyb)ly's appetite
is awful. Taey all eat three times as mach as they do at home. We


had a dreadful accident coming down: the Margate porters bumped
the boxes about so that, though I packed them with my own hands, a
ifask of oil (you know he will always carry condiments from his own
shop,) got broke, and has spoilt two breadths of my grey silk, to say
nothing of going over all my nightdresses so that I felt as if I was
sleeping in salad for the first few nights. From the same cause I got
an awful turn from JANE the nurse, who came up to me on landing
looking pale and strange, and .with a great stain like blood all down
;her apron. I thought she had gone mad and murdered the baby, but
)it was only sea-sickness and some red currant jelly cr something of the
sort that got broke in somebody's luggage, while she was getting at
the perambulator.
I very much fear that JULIA has formed an attachment which may
interfere with my plan for her union with our GEORGE. We have
somehow got acquainted with a MR. ACIER, a very dashing sort of
fellow who has evidently made a great impression. I have my doubts
about him. The other day he nodded to some one who he said was
DIcsKEN-but whether this was for joke or show-off I can't say;
however, I met the same person afterwards when I was with MR. L.,
.who shook hands with him, and he's a leather merchant somewhere in
ithe Borough.
N...w I must conclude with, dear JANE, your affectionate sister,
P.S.-Will you just call in at the house now and then, and see if
!all is going right. If you go in at irregular times they won't know
when to expect you. and you can.catch themif there is anything going
,-an. Please call at Topper's the chemist's, and ask him to send me
some powders for the children, they're, all very well'now, but I don't
'like them to go too long without a motherly dose. If the .Jones's ask
where we are, say at Boulogne-it'sonly just on the other side, so it is
inot.altogether an untruth, and they're so sarcastic.
(To be continued.)

I(Supposed to be one of those written for the .Eisteddfod andpieked upse. a'
the office of" Tinsley's Magazine.")
Ar-JONws he was the king
Of Welshmen and of Druids,
He could dance and sing
And polish off his fluids.
No murmur would he utter
As long as beer. was poured him-
He'd tack like any cutter
When he'd his-" crw" aboard him.
AP-JoNEs. he had a wife,
'The chief of shrewish-tongue ones,
,And, also, 'pon my life,
He'd half-a-dozen young ones.
He lived on drink and victuals,
And, summer evenings sunny,
He'd oft-times play at skittles,
And win-or lose-his money.
Ar,JoNEs he had a suit
Of broadcloth, clothes for Sunday,
And played the German flute
In church upon that-one day.
On weekdays he wore gaiters,
And seecond-bestest garments,
And he gave his mind to 'taturs,
Instead of psalms and garments.
Ar-JONES lived sixty year,
And then a cold he died of;
They dug a grave down here
To put AP-JONEs inside of.
His life a glorious thing it
Was counted by the quality,
So they asked a bard to sing it,
And to praise the Principality.

At the Eisteddfod.
No one will be disposed to envy the task of the gentleman who was
solicited to adjudicate the prize of 20 and a silver medal, offered for
a new poem or song by a Welshman." Ninety-three compositions
sent in, and not one of sufficient merit to secure the prize! A plain
proof that the competitors possess none of the genius of a YOUNG, a
CLOSE, or a BARTHOLOMsW. Whvh not throw the prize open to Welsh-
men of all nations ? We trust the Bards will eive our hint a con-
sideration before the next "Session of Parliament."

READERS who like a novel which has a backbone in it will thank us
for introducing to their notice The Waterdale Neighbours, just published
by MESSRS. TINSLEY AND COMPANY. It is the work of the "Author
of Paul Massie; it is also, judging from internal evidence, the work
of a clever, earnest, and thoughtful journalist. Paul Massie was
not, by any means, a satisfactory book; but it gave promise of a
better, and in The Waterdale Yeighbours the promise has been
kept. We decline to spoil the sale by telling the story, of which,
however, it may with perfect truth be said that the interest is, as it
should be, cumulative throughout, and keenest in the last thirty pages.
None of the types of character introduced may be absolutely new, but
some of them are handled with a refreshing courage and vigour. In fact,
if we had to characterise the novel by a single adjective, we should say
that it was emphatically a brave book. The author is a Radical, and
he has "the courage of his convictions." He does not coquet with
Democratic Toryism, nor philander with the thing that calls itself
Philosophical Liberalism. Hence, when he writes of the working man,
he shows you a live human being in honest Tom Berry, the ci-devant
Chartist. He does not fear to point out Tom's weaknesses; but he
does not insult Tom and the class of Tom either by offensive patron-
age, or by hinting that the new recruits of the electoral body need to
be kept in order by elaborate "checks" and "balances." There is
love-making in the book, very human and true, some of it-there is
scene-painting in the book, delicate, and tender and graceful ; but it
is, above all, for the bravery with which it encounters moral, religious,
social, political difficulties that The WVaterdalo Neighbours must specially
ba praised.
There is no pleasanter common object of the sea-shore than a
young lady reading a new novel; but the sea-side ought to have a lite-
ratqre of its own. A welcome contribution to the library of the sands and
the, rocks is furnished by MR. W. B. LORD in his Crab, Shrimp,
=and Lobster Lore," just issued by the MEssRas. RoQULEDGE. Those
who do not care for its science, may be interested in itsvaluable hints
on practical subjects ; and MR. LORD has had the good sense to make
his book palatable to the general reader, by introducing a number of
anecdotes, some of them new, most of them amusing, cqnoerning the
manners and customs of the crustacea,

[ We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they gre accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelops. We can take no notice of communica
itwns with illegible signaluresior snenoyrafw,]
PEx.-Pecks of rubbish!
MAC ETHER.-Thenotion was long ago carried out in FUN.
Fox I.-EvideAtly 4 mistake in, the sigastroe. Goosoy would be
G. T. N. (Fenchurch-street.)-Thanks.
ROAST LAMu.-We cannot see the point of your anecdote.
I. V.-We cannot decide without further consideration.
A CONSTANT READER.-If you agree with the article you forward you
I ust to very ignorant of the truth.
F. 'E. 1. (Notting-hill.) -Already worked out in an early number of
our old series.
R. A. (H.M.S. Portsmouth.)--Under consideration. IBut .how
comes it that your postmark is Birmingham ?
AciTas.-Rather miled!
A MEMBER OF THE 1. ,AND F. B, S,, who has written .us a long rig-
marole, is assured that his letter has thrown a now light.on the subject-
a elgar.
A. K. (Canonbury Cottages, Croydon.)-Defrauds the Post Office by
sending a letter in a book-post parcel, and expects us to return his-well,
drawing-when he does not comply with our rules.
J. V.-Under coneiderati'm.
G. D. E. P.-The sketch-or rather suggestion-was worthless until
improved upon.
SAGACITY.-Your St. Leger prophecy is worth exactly as much as all
the other prqphecies-except one.
CoMaMON SENSE.-(Who, by the way, is a colonel in the army) agrees
with us as to the iniquity of allowing soldiers to do harvesters' work. If
our soldiers have spare time, let them have a trade, to which they can resort
when their service is expired, and a grateful country has done-as little for
them as possible.
PIERROT.-Apply at the G. P. 0., St. Martin's-le-Grand.
Declined with thanks :-R. W., Belfast; A. E. B.; Gee Ceoo; HI. W. M.
Hayes; J. B., Manchester; E. F., Heavitree; R. F. E., Rarmsgate; Free-
tzade; R. T. M., Soho; Faned; Vex; X. G.; F. G., Ilarper-strept; Y9
Corporal;" A. W., St. George's-road; B. B., Kentish Town-road; K. Y.;
F. P.; R. B., Grundy-street; A. J. S., Northampton; A person who
assumes the signature "Phiz.; E. H., Cadiz ; H. S., Great Percy-street;
W.;" AC. ; Central Fir ; Do you like 'em; H. C., Erith ; J. F.;
T. W. ; T. .; W. ; I. T. D.; Catapulto H. ; W. J. 3M.,
Ware; G. S., lslington; A. J., Paisley; B. C., Paddington; A. F. C.,
SEdinburgh; J. D., Ireland.

SEPTEMBER 21, 1867.]


[SEPTEMIiERt 21, 1867.

FELLOWS may talk as they like about the Customs being the lowest
branch of the Civil Service, and so it is in the matter of pay, and more
shame for a remorseless Government: but this I will say, that there
are gents in the Long Room, and in our office, and about the Queen's
Warehouse, that will bear comparison with any of your stuck-up West-
end swells,-chaps that I can't, for my own part, abide, with their airs
and their six o'clock dinners, and nothing to do but to read the papers,
while we're hard at it.
What if some of us have been put into our situations through inte-
rest, and not a few by being connected with high families through
the servants' hall ? there's no secret that more than two people know:
and when you come to patronage, service is as good a ground to go
upon as any other. I know this, that there's not a few of our fellows
that look regular nobs; and as to dress: well, I'm sorry to say we do
outrun the constable at times in a way that our salaries won't answer
for. It's screwing work as it gets towards quarter-day; anl though
it's more than our places is worth to do a bit of a bill for each other-
and we look each other up pretty sharp, when the chap just above you
goes and puts his name to stamped paper-there are m >re ways than
one of getting a loan. It's all owing to the Government:-not the
loan I don't mean, but the way some of us are always in trouble about
money. Why, I remember in my father's time, when he was in the
very desk that I've booked for next vacancy, there was a beadle, or a
fireman, or some such subordinate as did the business for us. Subor-
dinate, says I-why, he was a capitalist, and there wasn't, perhaps, a
dozen of the fellows,-no, not even the nobs, that he hadn't got their
notes of hand and I 0 U's in the pocket of his livery coat. They were
all tarred with the same brush, that was the best of it; and there was
some that was put on their pensions, and others that had left the
service, as had to pay through the nose all the rest of their lives, mind
you, and compound interest hanging over 'em to such a tune as took
most of the gilt off the gingerbread.
Ours is such a paternal Government, you see, that it has to be very
careful of our morals; and to take care that we shan't have too much
to spend, so that we get away from the bhop at four o'clock and have
to count our small change to see how mach we shall have left for

to-morrow's dinner before we can make a night of it. Perhaps that
was the reason why we generally stuck to the neighbourhood-at
least some of the chaps in my department did; and even at lunch
time, and when we had out-door work, made half an hour to light up
in a quiet room over there in the lane opposite, where there was pretty
good fun, I can tell you, and our lunches was mostly off bitter beer and
Bristol birdseye. That wasn't moral, was it ? And a paternal
Government soon found us out and farmed a big refreshment room in
the house itself to a licensed victualler, so that we should have no
excuse for not having our meals regular, and could be timed by the
clock while we ate 'em by twilight at fourpence a plate, and a pint of
porter for twopence. Whether or not that's broke the neck of our
little recreations I ain't going to say, nor yet to tell where we've
moved our quarters to; but this much I know, as there isn't half a
chance now of an airy stroll on our parade to get an appetite for the
fish dinner round the corner by Darkhouse-lane. Why, I remember
the time when the big stone steps by the QuEEN's warehouse used to
be a regular resort for half the good-looking girls about Thames-street
just at lunch time, especially when the Custom House sales were on,
and (he foreign goods seized for duty were on view. Free trade and
commercial treaties have helped to put a stopper on that sort of thing,
and the sales ain't half what they used to be when the officers would
unroll a stout gentleman to find the lace and tobacco that was packed
round his body, or discover half a dozen gallons of French brandystowed
away in an indiarubber petticoat. Many a glass of mulled claret have
I had in the winter time in the QuEEN's cellar, where it used to be
warmed over an oil lamp in a lantern with plenty of cinnamon and
nutmeg, and I should like to know who was the worse for it. I know
I was a precious sight the better, and so I was for a little of the
champagne that was always allowed for breakages in another place
not far off. Times have altered now in everything except our salaries,
and they keep stationary.

A Different Construction.
Chambers's Journal states that in some parts of Germany railways
are now constructed without wood. Well! What of that? In some
parts of England they are constructed without money, which is much
more strange!

London :-Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phwix W orks. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published [for the PrupretLr) oy W. W-Ala, na o", ia.u-A retr E.CO
September 24, 1867.


(N ONCE did know a Turkish man
1 fWhom I upon a two-pair-back
His name it was EFFENDI KHAN
A DOCTOR BROWN I also knew-
I've often eaten of his bounty-
The Turk and he they lived at
In Sussex, that delightful
I also knew a maiden miss
Whose father boasted many a
She likewise lived at Ilooe-and
Is but a clumsy likeness of her.

The Turk adored the maid of Hooe
(Although his harem would have shocked her);
But BRowN adored that maiden, too-
He was a most seductive doctor.
They'd follow her where'er she'd go-
A course of action most improper-
She neither knew by sight, and so
For neither of them cared a copper.
BRowN did not know that Turkish male-
He might have been his sainted mother-
The people in this simple tale
Are total strangers to each other.
One day that Turk he sickened sore
Which threw him straight into a sharp pet-
He threw himself upon the floor
And rolled about upon his-carpet:

It made him moan-it made him groan
And almost wore him to a mummy :
Why should I hesitate to own
That pain was in his little tummy ?
At length a Doctor came and rung-
(As ALLAH ACHMET had desired)-
Who felt his pulse, took up his tongue,
And hummed and hawed, and then inquired :
"Where is the pain that long has preyed
UJpon you in so sad a way, sir ?"
The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said,
I don't exactly like to say, sir! "
"Come, nonsense! said good DOCTOR BRowNr,
So this is Turkish coyness, is it ?
You must contrive to fight it down-
Come, come, sir, please to be explicit."


The Turk he shyly bit his thumb
And coyly blushed like one hal
The pain is in my little tumr"-
He, whispering, at length admit

SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.]

" Then take you this, and take you that-
Your blood flows sluggish in its channel-
You must get rid of all this fat,
And wear my medicated flannel.
"You'll send for me, when you're in need-
My name is BRowN-your life I've saved it! "
" My rival! shrieked the invalid,
And drew a mighty sword and waved it:
"This to thy weazand, Christian pest! "
Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it,
And drove right through the Doctor's chest
The sabre and the hand that held it.

The blow was a decisive one
And DOCTOR BaoWN grew deadly pasty-
" Now see the mischief that you've done,-
You Turks are so extremely hasty.
" There are two DOCTOR BnowNs in Hooe,
He's short and stout-I'm tall and wizen;
You've been and run the wrong one. through.
That's how the error has arisen."
The accident was thus explained,
Apologies were only heard now-
" At my mistake I'm really pained,
I am, indeed, upon my word now!
" With me, sir, you shall be interred,
A Mausoleum grand awaits me"-
"Oh, pray don't say another word,
I'm sure that more than compensates me !
"Butp'raps, kind Turk, you're full inside ?"
There's room," said he, for any number."
And so they laid them down and died.
In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber.





26 FU 1N. [SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.

F all the stupid things a man
can do in the dull season, the
worst is perhaps to plant him-
selff before the target for public
opinion to shoot at him. When
Parliament is prorogued, and
I cd the great gooseberry ripens
--when the frog descends in a
ba shower, and the toad is found
S in the stone, the journals open
their columns to the people who
are always "going towriteto the
papers." What editor would
think of printing Nobody's
letters about Abyssinia, or
p Everybody's letters about City
dining-rooms, if the season were
wat its height ? But when the
lull comes, BaRow, JoNEs, and
RoBmNsoN become members of
the press for the time being,
and are allowed to fill column
after column with their grie-
vances. It was, indeed, rash
of M PAYNE at such a time to
/ expose himself to the steel-tipt
S darts of the letter-writing public
E. L as he did by the sentence he
passed upon that most unhappy
His conduct would be laughable if it were not heartless. Juries are
bad enough, but with the addition of such judges, they become un-
bearable. I am glad there has been some stir about this most iniquitous
sentence. MiR. PAYNE, by his conduct in another public capacity, that
of chairman-buffoon at public tea-parties, brings the office of judge
into contempt. If he would retire into private life, and devote his
leisure to the compilation and publication of his thousand and one
tail-pieces of doggerel, no one would have any reason to complain-
except, perhaps, MR. TUPPER.
How on earth the International Donnybrook lately convened at
Geneva could have the impudence to call itself a Peace Congress
puzzles me! Though a brave soldier got worked up to such a pitch of
enthusiasm, that he laid his decorations on the altar of peace-by
which, I suppose, he meant the table where the chairman kept his
glass of water-there was very little of a peaceful character about the
gathering, which was altogether of an inflammatory nature. GARIBALDI,
of course, was as consistently inconsistent, and as grandly unconscious
of inconsistency, as ever, brave old boy! But I wonder it did not
strike him that his first speech at a Peace Congress was not quite the
right occasion for proclaiming war against Rome.
The second number of B.roadway, just public hed, is an improvement
on the first. Ma. HoLLINGSHsEAn gives his critics a final shaking and
a rather unanswerable reply. I think the magazine would sail better
if it made JONAHS of the two Reverends who contribute. Everybody's
SAMUEL LOVER makes his voice heard this month, and very welcome
it is. There are three or four excellent papers, however, any one of
them worth more than one gives for Broadway altogether; but I am
not quite sure that some people may not consider that there is a little
too much light and laughable matter. I don't myself, but people who
have been used to the Cornhill may not be quite as much accustomed
to levity.
I wish journalists would leave natural history alone if they don't
know it. The other day the Satuwday talked about the working bees
killing the drones. Now, they don't do anything of the kind-they
simply show them the door. The Timues, in a leader last week, talked
about the pelican bleeding to death that her brood may live. The pelican
is not such a fool-if she bled to death, her brood would have no means
of subsistence. These may be only figurative expressions, but they
perpetuate error, and error, always tenacious of life, is hardest to
kill when it attacks natural history. On this account, I think no
criticism can be too severe in condemnation of the clever pseudo-
natural history of the otherwise dull Temple Bar.
I have more than once denounced the pErnicious trash which is the
disgrace of cheap literature-the stories in which thieves and robbers
are held up as heroes. It is as well, however, to put it on record that,
though they belong to cheap literature, they do not belong to the
cheap literature recently created by the removal of the paper duty and
other restrictions. Jack Sheppard, the book which gave the first
impetus to stories of the class was written long since, and romances, in

imitation of it, issued in penny weekly numbers, flourished long before
a cheap newspaper was thought of. One of the results of the indis-
criminate sale of this filthy poison may be found in the police reports
of last week. A lad of fourteen stole a horse at Southsea. He was
pursued and captured on Portsdown-hill, when it was found that he
was provided with pistols, powder and ball, and a black mask, and
that he intended to set up as a highwayman in imitation of DICK
TURPIN and JACK SHEPPARD. A good rod in pickle was the proper
fate for the silly fellow; but I don't think the cart's tail and the rope's
end would be too much for the wretches who do not scruple to dis-
seminate these mischievous publications.

No. 29.
Is no grand judge, of course:
He says to mercy simply, "Fudge,"
And never feels remorse.
He scribbles lots of foolish rhyme,
His name not pleasant is-
He counts misfortune as a crime,
And so his wisdom's this!

A tart! But looked-at in another way, it
Means-something. Go and see our MATHEWS play it.
The first of verbs you learn, poor fool,
When quite a boy you go to school:
When older grown you find, poor duffer,
It means to be-to do-and suffer! "
What the young must be,
What the old shouldbe;
What T shall, I trust, be
If old age but good be.
Though the hair lose its gold, if the heart be not cold,
Its owner can never be hopelessly old!
You have it always at your fingers' ends,
My friends;
And if you chance to hit it on the head,
Well said!
A place in Kentish land, which
In flight X BECKET sheltered,
It is not far from Sandwich-
'Twas thence he helter-skeltered.
Your patience too severely
Should this historic test try,
I'll point it out more clearly,
I do not mean the Westry!

S Snob B
E Empyreuma, A
A Argonaut T
S Sarah H
I Ichthyosauri I
D Demon N
E Egg G,
Ruby; Bnuie Price; Three fools.

SOME poor idiot, the other day, thought it a clever practical joke to
send a bottle afloat at sea containing a slip of paper, on which was
written-"DR. LIVINGETONE, off Zambesi. Not lost at all. Can't
think how the report got about." The ignorant donkey was, in point
of geography, quite as much at cea as he evidently supposed the great
traveller to be.
Ferry Much So!
WHY are the ferry boats built to run between Carnarvon and Angle-
sea engaged in a dangerous traffic ?-Because they are destined for
Menai straits.

SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.]


[From Miss Julia Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Miss Aminta .Tipkittle, Nor.
My DeAR MINTY,-He has gone-I mean that MR. AcIER-and
without a word of explanation. And yet he must have known how
deeply my affections were engaged. It was he, I feel sure, who en-
graved J. A. on the cliffs round the corner where I always used to take
my tat'ing. He is a most mysterious being. I am inclined to think he
must be a lordin disguise. He had beautiful feet and such very dainty
boots, and when I ventured to ask him where he got them he blushed,
and said he had reasons for not telling me. He thought I should find
out who he is.
Broadstairs does not seem the same place now he is gone,"so I am
happy to say we leave next week, although GEORGE has behaved very
well and does not tease me at all. There is nothi,,g doing here now-
people are going away, and the organs and nigger seem driven here
from Ramsgate and Margate because they, too, are deserted-as Ifeel !
There's nothing to do here-one can't even bathe, for the bathing is so
dreadfully indelicate, and the machines are all down in a corner of the
harbour where all the mud is washed in.
WILLIAM is dreadful! He has taken a mania for aquariums, and
smells us out of ouar small lodgings with basins full of dead prawns and
shrimps. He went out in a boat the other day to investigate the
theory of every ninth wave being the bigqqest, but he got too ill to count
after the twelfth. I like sailing rather, bat the sea is never as smooth
as it should be for my notion of sailing.
This is a very wretched letter-but so am I. I actually saw him
coming out of the Tartar Frigate one morning. I don't mean WIL-
LIAM when I say him.
I am miserable.-Your affectionate JULIA.

[From .Mr. Caleb Loblolly, Broadstairs, to Mr. Pippings, Oil and Italian
Warehouse, Lower Carboy-street, City.]
DEA Sia,-We shall probably return to the bosom of the warehouse
early next week. I regret to say thit per advices received from Muis.
L. I fear that your chance of entering into the film on a matrimonial
basis is far from likely to be realized, Miss J. having apparently looked
out a partnership for herself.
If I am correct, I omitted to send in the BLENKINSOp's bill. If so,
pl-ase rectify. I find that the expenses of establishing the family at
the seaside have been rather beyond the original esiimate.-Yours, &c.,

[ From George Loblolly, Esq., Broadstairs, to Charles Smith, .Eq., London.]
D nAR CHARLEY,-We are about to turn our steps towards "the only
retail emporium for original anchovies."
Broadstairs is getting slow, for my little game is played out, and
I've been out fishing for a fortnight and caught nothing but a small
cod and my foot in a rope, thereby taking an unintentional plunge in
the briny with all my togs on. This has enabled me to supply WIL-
LIAM with a fact in natural philosophy :-viz., you can catch cold from
sea-water-if you are clever enough to think 3 ou can't and sit in your
wet clothes.
My little scheme has worked well. I think the haughty JULIA will
learn a lesson. As for that fellow Aciia, he's a scamp, and should
have been handed over to the police. We have police at Broadstairs.
He's only one man, but then he is Number 200, so that he is numeri-
cally something. But, seriously, all is going as I wanted it, and I hope
after a week in town to bring my fair cousin to her senses. If so, I'll
marry her and settle MUDIE's Library on her, for I feel sure that she
won't be injured by romantic novels if her little romance ends as I
expect it to do.
If you see any nice little villas with good large gardens anywhere
near you, just let me know.-Yours ever, GEORGE.

[From Master Tommy Leblolly, Broadstairs, to Aunt loblolly, Little
DEAR AUNT,-I hope you are well and that Uncle JOHN is well. We
are all well. I have a boat and sail it when there is a quiet tide, only
it wi l turn over. I call it the Julia because Cousin JULIA is here.
She gave me sixpence and I bought lollipops and a halfpenny cane.
She is sweethearts with a gentleman here and GEOuGE is so angry.
But the sea was very nice this afternoon, and my boat only tumbled
over twice. I have a pair of yellow boots, but I lost one of them the
other day because the sea came up and washed it away. Mamma is
going to take us home next week, so hoping you are well as it leaves
me at present.-Yours affectionately, Tommy LOBLOLLY.
(To be concluded in our next.)

Is very oft,-n out of town,
And leaves me here with SALLY.
At this I don't at all demur,
In fact it pleases me and her,
And I'm a happy valet!
When he's away I read his notes,
And drink his wine, and wear his coats,
And use his canes and pale-
TOts, just as if they were my own,
(Of course I do not wish it known!)
And I'm a happy valet !
I empty his tobacco jars,
And smoke his pipes and his cigars,
Like old Sita WALTER RALEIGH !
SALL'S no objection to a weed "-
She likes the smell of it indeed-
And I'm a happy valet !
One night we gave a little ball-
It really doesn't do at all
To be too shilly-shally-
And so we did the thing in style,
And when I think of it I smile,
And am a happy valet !
Of course we had the carpets up,
And, after twelve, in time to sup,
Some ladies of the ballet,
Great friends of ours, came in and we
Kept up the fun till half-past three-
I was a happy valet !
My master's handy with his pen,
And writes for Papers now and then-
E on with the Muso may dally-
So, when he is away, I go
And orders" got-for him, you know-
And I'm a happy valet!
And then we go to theatres-
SALL always comedy prefers ;
She doesn't care for IIALLEi,
Or any classic music-wo
In this entirely do agree,
And I m a happy valet!
There's only one event I dread,
And that is, should my master wed!
I've thought occasionally,
That he's in love with somebody!
But whosoever she may be,
I am a happy valet !
A lettor!-why shohlud mister write?
lie's married! coining home to-night!
Well, then, I'll marry SALLY !
Both she and I have saved somo tin,"
I'11 take a pretty country inn-
And she a happy valet !

Measure for False Measures.
WE have exposed the dishonest practices of the fraudulent grocer,
baker, and publican-usquebatuugh ad ioyeau-soam; and yet here's
another pretty kettle of fish! We quote from the Telegraph of the
30th ultimo:-
At the lialf-vearly petty sessions held recently in the Vestry Iall, Islington, noi
fewer than one hun'ired and six persons were convicted of having in their possession
false weights and measuress"
As pecuniary punishments are evidently ineffectual in restraining
these members of the fine y tribe from their scaly practices, the sooner
some of the more prominent olTenders are made acquainted with tho
internal measurement of the Governmental stone-jug the better-pour
encourayer les autres.

Pop Goes the Weasand.
ANALYTICAL chemists assert that sulphuric acid forms a prominent
ingredient in the manufacture of cheap ginger beer. Sad to think of,
this !-enough to turn one lem-on-kali.

28 F U N [SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.

A Find in a Cop-
per Field.
THERE are few who
have not pictured to
themselves the charac-
ters drawn by our
great novelists "in
their habits as they
lived." Looking men-
tally at the ever-green
Micawber, we may be
sure that his physiog-
nomy was not graced
with a nez retroussde,
or he would have seen
something "turn-up "
before him de die in
diem. In all proba-
bility that organ must
have been of the
"parrot" character-
one of the Macaw-ber

Tri(angl)ing it on.
NETT was perfectly
right in introducing
the triangle in the
orchestral accompani-
ment to his new work,
The Woman of Sa-
maria," produced at
the Birmingham Fes-
tival. A very high
authority has stated,
Who drives fat oxen
should himself be fat."
Ergo- d piano-fortiori
-a triangular instru-
ment must be the most
appropriate medium
for tickling the ears
of a three cornered

A Word to the
WE note with satis-
faction that the citi-
zens ofGloucesterhavo
presented a lifeboat to
the Royal National
Lifeboat Institution.
Who, we may ask,
will be Gloucester's
double-or, still bet-
ter, double Glouces-
ter P-in this instance
most decidedly "the
cheese! The Secre-
tary of the Institution,
at 14, John street,
Adelphi, will, we are
sure, gladly receive
cheques, bank-notes,
"portable property,"
or postage stamps-
anything, in short, but
shares in limited lia-
bility companies or
railway debenture
bonds. "Stand not,"
then, to quote the im-
mortal bard, "on the
P. 0. orders of your
sending," but send at



1. Off St. Paul's, she thinks the sea delightful.
2. Even at Greenwich she doesn't dislike the sea.
3. At Gravesend, is concerned to learn it is not the sea yet.
4. At Sheerness, she hopes it isn't going to be rough.
5. At the iNore, she hopes it isn't going to be rougher.
6. Past the Yore, she begins to wish herself at Margate.
7. And her countenance continues to lengthen until the boat reaches the jetty.
8. On landing, she thinks it must have been the sun."
9. But as she admits she never could bear a swing,
10. It is agreed that she must not marry the admiral.

Grammar I
A WEEKLY contem-
porary, describing
some experimental
operations lately car-
ried out at Chatham,
says:-" The electric
light, with powerful
reflectors, are the
means to be employ-
ed." Is them ?-we
beg pardon-Are it?
Well, then, we trust
next time the writer
of that sentence takes
up the pen, he will use
a little powerful reflec-
tion before he employs
the English language.

Potting the Red.
all attempts at eradi-
cation, the French or
redlegged partridge-
(Totiours perdrix -
Linn.)-has appeared
this season in in-
creased numbers, to
the annoyance of the
sportsman and "bo-
thering" of his dogs.
We trust that the
term runners,"
somewhat thought-
lessly applied to the
birds by "Septem-
brizers," will in no
way disturb the
entente cordial with
our sensitive neigh-
bours across the

A Yard Measure.
THE tradespeople on
the south side of the
water are accused of
giving false measures.
We have lately becn
inspectingsome houses
erected in that dis-
trict for occupation by
the labouring classes,
and we are glad to be
able to exonerate the
building trade from
the charge of short
measures. We ob-
served that the yards
behind the houses
were never more or
less than three feet.

Words' Worth.
[WrIT our compli-
ments to the RIGHT
STONE.]-The British
Public to the Post
Office Savings Bank:
-" We are savin'!"

THE latest appear-
ance of "the Ancient
Marryin' 'or," men-
tioned by COLERIDGE,
was at the wedding of
Miss MAY and LoED

F J NI .-SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.

Dogberry: EARL P'-SS LL,

I Vcrges: Sin GEORGE Gn Y. I Watihmea: By disitin~isthedl mcnmbers of the Liberal party.


SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.]


ACT I.-Post ITouse and Village of St. Arven.
PATTY.-My uncle, Peter Grice, is Postmaster of St. Arven. Joe,
the village idiot, is our servant. Lewcy Tregarvon, my foster-sister,
is the daughter of Sir Robert Tregarvon, a long-haired, horseman-
ship-looking bart. Captain Dudley Lazonby was formerly engaged to
Miss Lewcy, but is now thrown over for George Penrhyn. Now you
know all about us. [Blushes, and exit.
CAPT. L.-I am the son of Elizabeth Lazonby, whose sauce is the
only recognized relish for chops, steaks, fish, &c. But let that pass.
PETER G.-Captain Lazonby!
CAPT. L.-&rice, you have a letter in your post-bag that announces
to Lewey Tregarvon that she is worth millions. Suppress it.
PETER G.-I will-I will (Suppresses it, R.) But why ?
CAPT. L.-I love her, and would marry her-she is poor now, and
may listen-if she knows she is rich, she may not. Besides, you want
to buy her father's castle. This you cannot do if she is worth millions.
PETER G.-True! True! [Suppresses it more than ever. Exeunt.
Enter JoE.
JOE (down in his stomach).-I am-a the-a village idiot-a. My-a
terrowsers are vandyked-a, accordingly-a I was-a washed on-a shore-a
by the sea tied-a to a plank-a. I have received-a no eder-ucation-a,
but I talk-a in rather more-a stilted-a and bombastic-a langerwage
than-a the late Claude-a Melnotte-a-a. They call me idiot-a, because
I wear-a long hair parted-a down the centre-a, and carerfullee crepe.
Ha! ha! I am-a not such an idiot-a as to allow my hair-a to be-a
cropped by the barber-a of a-a Cornish-a village. I wait-a till I can
see Terrufitt-a. [Dance, and off.
A hunting-party is seen in the distance (going at full gallop down a steep
precipice with a sheer fall of many thousand feet), and accompanied
(as usual) by full band playing A hunting we will go." Then enter
the hunting-party, consisting of Miss LEWcY TEEGARYON and six
young hair-cutters, with orders to stand behind a table, and not to
show their legs on any account.
LEwCY L.-It is only in Cornwall that we gallop home, venture a
terre, after a long day's hunt. But then it is only in Cornwall that a
long day's hunt ends at about nine in the morning.
CAPT. L.-Lewcy !
LBwcY T.-Monster! I shrink from you [Shrinks from him.
CAPT. L.-Meet me at midnight, at the Fairy's well.
LEWCY T.-Never!
CAPT. L.-You shall. (Taking of his hat reverentially.) I swear it
by My Mother's Sauce! [All kneel.
LEWCY T.-I cannot resist that fearful oath. I will be there.
JOE (coming forward, and knowing much more about it than anybody
else).-And so-a will Nobody's che-ild-a!
ACT II. SCENE 1.-The Fairy's Well. Midnight.
CAPT. L.-Lewcy will be here anon.
LEwCY T. (proudly).-I Am here anon! (LAZONMY cowers.) What
would you with me P
CAPT. L.-I would make you mine I It was for that I asked you to
meet me.
LEwCY T.-I loathe and scorn you, as you well know. I really
believe that if I had known that that was all you had to tell me I
should almost have hesitated before escaping from my father's castle,
unseen, at midnight, to keep an appointment in the depths of a forest
with a fellow whom I know to be an unconscientious scoundrel.
CAPT. L.-Nay; but you shall be mine! [Struggle.
JOE, I think, appears from behind the well, and rescues LEWCY. Tableau.
LEWCY T.-My preserver, thanks!
CAPT. L.-Humph; another time! [Quivers himself off.
SCENE 2.-Post House, as in First Act.
Enter PETER GRICE, meeting a drunken sailor.
SAILOR.-Yeo ho! Belay! [GRICE belays.
PETER G.-Who are you ?
SAILOR.-The late Admiral Tregarvon's cox'en. Here is his will,
which I am going to give to Miss Lewey, and which makes her worth
PETER G (aside).-Ha! (Aloud.)-Go up that precipice-it is the
nearest way. [Exit Drunken Sailor, staggering up precipice.

PETER G.-He will stagger over and be killed ; I shall got the will,
and Tregarvon castle shall (somehow) yet be mine !
Enter a CROWD.
CROWD.-The man has fallen over into an abyss of unfathomable
depth! We will rescue him !
[They all plunge into abyss of unfathomable depth, and bring him out in
about half a minute, dead.
ALL.-He is dead!
SCENE 3.-The Ravine. Enter PETER GRIcE.
PETER G.-I have managed to descend to the bottom of the abyss of
unfathomable depth, and I find that the will is in another abyss of
more unfathomable depth still. I will, however, descend.
Enter JOE and PATT LAVROCK, who have taken an evening stroll, with
all the village, down here.
JOE.-A-no-a you don't-a. [Pushes him on one side, and descends.
PATTY L.-Joe! Are you killed? There is no answer! Ila!
this rope! [Lets a rope down, and drags him up to the less unfathor .olc
of the two abysses.
JoE.- I-a have GeQT.A TEE WILL !
ACT II1-The Thwer of Tregarvon with the side out, showing LEwcY's
;bedroom. Enter CAPTAIN LAZONBY.
CAPT. L.-4RiemAow I have contrived to steal into Lewcy's room.
[Conceals himself.
LEWoY T.-My room is only about four feet square, which is small
for a castle; and my bed is built in a small recess, which is stuffy, but
what are such considerations to a pure girl whose only indiscretions'
a habit of meeting acknowledged villains in the solitude of a gloomy
forest at midnight without her bonnet? Absolutely nothing'
CAPT. L. showingg himssef).-Lewcy!
LEWCY T.-Captain Lazonby in my bedroom at night P Now this I
really cannot allow. You are going too far-you are. indeed.
CAPT. L.-I have come to carry you *off. By my mother's Sauce
(removes his hat), I have sworn it!
LRwcY T.-That fearful oath unmans me-I should say, unwomans
me quite.
CAPT. L.-Come! [Struggle.
Enter JoB and PATTY LAVROCK, who are strolling through the private
apartments of the Castle this evening for a change.
[Seizes LAZONBY, and chucks him out of window down a precipice.
LEWCY T.-Ha! My gun! I always sleep with it loaded at my
[Seizes gun and fires it at poor JoE, of all people in the world. He falls
GaRCE, ALL THE VILLAGERS, and a POLICEMAN, who remains shyly at
the back.
JOB (to LEWcY T.).-Hero-a is the will that makes you worth-a
ALL.-And you are- .
JoE.-A-ha-I am-a (all breathless) a-Nobody's-a Che-ild!
OURSELVs.s-Pretty good piece for the class of audience. Situa-
tions would be more exciting if they were not so old. Capitally placed
upon the stage. Excellently acted by Ma. VOLLAIRu, and Miss
PAUNCEFORT; fairly by MR. EDGAR, and very conventionally by MR.
CaRswICK,. MR. HOLSTON very good as the drunken sailor. The rest

The Fort-hitter in re" and the Zouave-iter in
WE note with glee that MARSHAL FOREY will not allow himself to
be falsely made a round in the ladder of JAcoI!'s success, and trust
the impostor may catch the punishment he so richly deserves. Lt
him in future stick to his trumpet; he has shown us that he is fully
capable of blowing that instrument.

Oysters are at a Pretty Tune.
IN a list of new works we notice the following:-
Songsters, Our Native. By ANNA PRATT."
Whistling oysters are not unknown to the naturalist, but a singing one
is quite a novelty. Are its notes produced by the aid of bivalves ?
We confess we should like to hear it sing, ANN PRATT-Il too. A
present of a barrel of oysters will, we presume, in future be considered
as equivalent to "tipping a few staves." Friends will please take note
of this intimation.




R U ,T ~ p

Little Billy Jenkins:-" I sAY, PAPERS, 'ERE'S A GO! VICH IS THE VAY

IP his new melodrama, Nobody's Child, M3. WATTS PHILLIPS has
out-Surried the Surrey. Such an olla podrida of thoroughfaced
rascality and spotless innocence-fraudulent postmasters, intellectual
idiots, real stage-coaches, unreal precipices, practicable huntsmen,
alarm-bells, and hair-dressing without the assistance of machinery-
has rarely been dished up, we imagine, even on the south side of the
bridges. Ma. PHILLIPS, however, cannot be blamed for giving his
hungry customers the food they evidently relish. The piece was
received enthusiastically on its first night, and the author called before
the curtain to be looked at; so that Nobody's Child seems in a fair way
to draw money. For our own private palate, it is a little too highly
spiced. We should have been contented with less wickedness; nearly
everybody in the play repels us. The hero, who is little better than a
gibbering idiot in the early scenes, is rendered partially reasonable by
having some of his hair cut off. It is a pity that the coy damsel who
performs this operation for him should not have improved on it by
shaving his head, the cure might then have been total. Ma. CREaWICK
is effective in the character of this forlorn outcast, but his voice is
too old for Joe. You expect a piping treble to issue from amongst the
poor lad's unkempt locks, and out comes a portentous basso profondo.
The make-up and pantomime are very artistic. Ma. EDGAR is a
charming scoundrel, and Mu. VOLLAIRE a delicious old rascal. The
acting of Miss PAUNCEFORT is graceful; she cuts Joe's hair with a
dexterity worthy of a better wig. There is some elaborate scenery in
the piece, which we will take (goodness knows why !) as an atonement
for the rather dull dialogue. Decidedly the writing of Nobody's Child
is much beneath Mu. PHILLIPS'S standard. A new farce precedes the
melodrama; of that farce-as we cannot speak with Christian for-
bearance-we will nnt speak at all.
MA. AnnisoN took a benefit at the Olympic last Wednesday, on
which occasion his daughters played Julia and Helen in The Huinchback

[SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.

hi nat every nouse snouldc teem with aaugnrters r
I'm not a rank misogynist,
But why should cruel fate debar sons ;
A pretty girl I love- but list,
in Devon their papas are parsons.
I talk not in a bilious mood,
I've had no worries to upset me,
I simply talk for Devon's good-
I'll quote example if you'll let me.
To test my accuracy try,
Away and hear them sneer and snivel,
Attend a 16te of archery,
And then, my friend, go home and drivel.

Three Throws a Penny, Wise and Pound
WE hear that a certain noble lord has, from long
practice, acquired the skill of hurling missiles at the
head of AUNT SALLY with such fatal precision, that he
has obtained the soubriquet of The Enterprising
Impress-SAIREY-oh !"

beloved Coal.

in a manner that brought the house down repeatedly, and procured
both young ladies several recalls. Miss FANNY and MISS CARLOTTA
ADDISON were creditably supported by MESSRS. MONTAGUE, STUART,
WIGAN, and JOYCE. The performance of Gaylove, by a gentleman
whom we do not remember to have seen before, was an event.
Ma. AND MIRS. HOWARD PAUL have secured the help of Miss LOUISA
MooRE, who has joined them for the last few nights in a brisk farce,
called The Old Folks. The object of this lively trifle is to give the
performers every possible opportunity of changing their dresses. Miss
L. MooRE makes a delightful old woman, and MRS. PAUL a charming
young man. This evening, we believe, is the last one of the PAuL
performances at the strand Theatre, which house will re-open with a
new burlesque by MR. BYRON.

DASH and drat each daily journal-
There is really nothing in 'em!
Those advertisements eternal
End 'em-just as they begin 'em.
Poor JUDGE PAYNE, and Abyssinia,
Unionism and its crimeses,
British clerks intent on dinn-iah-
This the theme for Tel. or Times is-
Kulla dies sine linea,
And what rubbish all these rhymes is!

A Tale for the Marines.
A CORRESPONDENT writes to inquire what is the subject of narration
when a vessel leaves port with its crew all told. The story of CAN-
NING'S Knife-Grinder," of course.

I'm staying in a wondrous land,
A grove of myrtle and of laurel.
There's comfort in the noisy Strand,
But here the women shout and quarrel.
It's very well to praise the sex,
But poets were but fools who sung them,
And if you care your mind to vex,
Just live in Devonshire among them.
A mile outside of Plymouth Hoe
No man with common sense will wander,
They know that Devon's girls are slow,
And hate the trash that mothers squander.
If thoughts of comfort they possess,
And wish to throw off melancholy,
They'll leave this land of loveliness
To rear its Amazons and folly.
I don't know what infects the air,
Or what can taint the country's waters,
But come now-tell me-is. it fair,

SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.] u T ]

MY lungs inflated with ozone,
My head with thoughts romantic,
I place my back against a stone
And face the blue Atlantic.
I've reached the land's extremity,
The past and present mingle,
I hold sweet converse with the sea,
And chatter with the shingle.
Land's End There's something in the name
Most strangely fascinating,
Which leads me on to thoughts of fame,
And back to tricks of hating.
I've travelled some three hundred miles,
And now my journey's ended,
And shall I reap salt tears from smiles,
Or will the past be mended ?
Will duns consent to hide their horns,
Or mercilessly sue me ?
Will care come trampling on my corns P
When I return to London's grind,
It'ssweetness and vexation,
A fairer future shall I find
Or plunge in dissipation ?
Will Mn. WEBSTER'S scenery
Still hang in rags and tatters?
Good plays shall I be led to see,
Or stuff-insane as hatters ?
Will managers show taste and tact ?
The pace be slow or killing?
Will cabby love or hate the Act ?
Blaspheme-or take his shilling ?
Ahlt little hand fast-locked in mine,
Wee fingers jewel-laden,
'Tis time-you say-that we should dine,
Most unromantic maiden!
Come, here's my stick, and here's a hand,
Long miles away to-morrow,
You'll boast you've touched the end of land,
And I-the end of sorrow !

How do babies that are fed with BRowN AND POLSON'S
Corn, Flour feel ?-Filled with a-maize.

Garfon :-" WIZ CREAM, BAE ? "
B1riton (desirous of airing his French) :-" PAULY FnoNxY Doxo !"

Worthy of "Le Sport."
WE read in the Times of the 29th August:-
*" At the Meggarnie Castle shootings in Glen Lyon above 900 brace of grouse were
6hot by Mr. Smithes and party during six days' sport, besides wild duck, snipe,
ptarmigan, golden plover, bares, rabbits, roe deer, salmon and black game."
SHad we not the authority of the "leading journal," we should
ever have believed that an English sportsman would increase his bag
In the Highlands by shooting salmon. Such being Mr. SMITHES idea of
{port, what on earth-or rather in water-may we ask, must MAR.
HNKImS do when he visits his Highland estate ? But the thought is
Deep for contemplation at the present reading of the thermometer.

A Likely Case-ley.
SET a thief to catch a thief-or foil a thief. In other words, employ
, burglar to invent a burglar-proof safe. It is stated that CASELEY,
during his enforced stay at Freemantle, in Western Australia, has
invented such a safe, and has sent a model to the jeweller, for break-
ing into whose premises he was sentenced, as some compensation for
tle loss of the robbery." To which paragraph we reply, in the name
of the jeweller in question-WNALEB !

A New Formation.
. THE Court Circular, in speaking of the deceased French poet, BEAU-
*ALAIRn, describes his forehead as formed in long grey hair." We
don't quite understand the meaning of the expression; we cannot
Understand how hair can form a forehead, though we could point out
itany men who owe the appearance of a nobly intellectual and lofty
forehead to the absence of hair on the fore-cranium.

THu FOREIGN "-OrrICE."-Xeep your powder dry !

'W saiv to 4orrsponintz.

[ FWe cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica-
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]
T. E. B. (Netting-hill) sends a contribution, stating "the price of the
enclosed is one shilling." We should consider it dear at the hal' of a forty-
eighth of that sum.
JENNY WnEN.-Very creditable under the circumstances, but we
Jenny-Wren-ly require something better.
WERG commences his lines with the quotation, Lend me your ears."
Does he take us for an ass ?
A SUO-JESTER is thanked. The paper has nothing to do with the club.
He will probably find his other wishes satisfied ere long.
C. H.-No.
R. (Liverpool).-You R not of any service to us.
JoE -Under consideration.
NECESSITARIAN.-Try Notes and Queries. We don't undertake to
answer such questions.
J. C. (Plaintow.)-The answer is "Billet Doux."
E. R. (Durham Villas, Lower Norwood.)-We disagree with your
opinion entirely.
WILLY (Lancaster).-Read Browning's "A Light Woman," and then
do it if you can.
DUNN BROWN.-Poor Dunn Brown!
Declined with thanks:-J. T. H., Walsall; Pietro Aretino; J. Mel.,
Glasgow; Kensington ; H. L. G., P. 0. ; M. B., Long-acro ; E. 0.,
Brompton-road; E. B., Westbourne-park; J. N. K., Shalford; J. P. T.,
Holloway; P. G.; Flying Fiend ; J. G., Liverpool; Erin-go-Brngh ;
E. W.C.; Ben; W. B.; A. G. S., Maida-hill; J. W. T.; Ap. Eve;
R. P., Belvidere; C. R. 0; L. H., Carnarvon; Walker; E. A. M., East I
Sheen; B. F. H., Manchester; J. W., Camdan-road; H. J. H., Wan-
stead; Ryde-ingon a Cob; One in a Milky Way; Saxon-in-Cornwall.

34 IFTJ [SEPTEMBER 28, 1867.

AN' why not ? If I chooses to call myself so, there ain't no law
agin it that I knows on. My master-he's a butcher, he is-ain't got
no sperret in him, and as I says, a butcher without sport's like biled
mutton without the trimmin's. Lor, I couldn't live without it myself.
Afore I was thirteen I'd put sevenpence on the favourite, and now I'm
nigh three year older I should say I was pretty well up. I've staked
a tidy lot o' coal in my time, I can tell you, and though I was pinched
through takin' a false tip from a cove as calls hisself a prophet, but in
my opinion didn't know no more o' stable secrets than I do myself,
I've got over the Sun Ledger. I'm to be seen most days when there's
a big event, outside of Bell's Life or else the Sportin'. There was a
picture as come out some time ago: and what a precious sight on' em
there are. I take in half a dozen penny numbers myself, all about boys
as has raised theirselves through their own exertions to be piruts an'
highwaymen, and bold smugglers, and sich like, as there ain't much
feeling' for nowadays : but the one I mean was a picture' called Wait-
in' for the Werdick." What I say is, that there ought to be another
done by some artisk as should be called "Waitin' for the Winner."
There's a title! Why, I'm blest if it wouldn't do for a regular mealy-
drama, if you was only to put another line underneath, like they
always do in the penny numbers and on playbills ;- Waiting for the
Werdick; or, the TWicked Wiles o' the Wenomous Weleher. Now, then,
where are you a-shovin' on, stupid ? You want a prop in the eye,
don't you? Do you think as you're to have the pavement when the
wires is just at work and we're waiting' to see what's fust ? Oh, I'm
to be heard of here, or in any o' the pubs close handy. Why, bless
your weskit, I know a pretty good many o' the tip-top sportsmen ;
and they know me and don't mind taking me in 'arf-a-crowns. It'll
be sovs afore long. Do you see that elderly party there as is leanin'
agin the window ? Well, he's been ruined four or five times by the
Turf, and all becos he never was bold enough; that's what he told me
hisselff. He looks a seedy old cove, don't he ? And he says he never
bad 'arf a nerve on him when it come to the time to put the pot on,
and so he never did no good, even arter he'd made a heap by luck.
He's goin' to put me up to a good thing or two, when I've got enough
to back my luck; for you see there's some is lucky, and I'm one of'em.

Look at some of the regular tip-top bookmakers, what their histories
was, and see 'em now down at Farringdon-street, or in the Park, or
at one or two o' the pubs round the corner, as affable as you please,
with a will and their horse and shay, and champagne every day for
dinner, and livin' like fighting' cooks. Why, I shouldn't wonder if
some on 'em don't keep fighting' cocks. They don't come outside here,
them sort don't; nor yet I don't mean to, arter a bit. I shall go to
TATT'SALL'S when I've got a pair of new cords and my green cutaway
coat, and then with a white hat, and yaller gloves, an' a flower in my
button-hole, I shall be one o' the same swim. They are a rough lot out-
side here,and the perlice is always shovin' of us about so, but that's becos
the general public ain't no idea o' sport; they ain't got the pluck for
it, no more ain't 'arf o' these fellers, bless yer. They're coasters, some
on 'em, and broken-down postboys and omnibus cads, and there's even
one or two publicans as have gone to the bad, and chaps as have come
up from Liverpool and such places, to "look about 'em," as they call
it They don't look far, do they? A-standin' about here half their
time; but they're down upon the welchers like a cartload o' bricks, are
these coves from the north. They're tolerable leary, too, mind you,
and you'll often see one on 'em with a black eye, as you may be safe
he's give change for. Oh, I know how to take care o' myself; but
this ain't my game. I mean to put a handful on the next went, and
then we shall see whether I can't rise to heminence. I'm too confined
in my present business; butcherin' don't suit me, and so my mind's
made up. What if I should lose on this? Well, I don't ezactly know
what I mightn't do in that case; but I think I should borrow the
money-temporary-of master. He needn't know it, you know, afore
I paid it back, and then o' course there'd be no call to tell him.

A Meat-ing.
THE journeymen butchers of London have held a meeting in Lam-
beth with a view to improving their position, and to diminish their
Sunday extra hours of labour. We hope the butchers will get on
-first chop!

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Twelfth Half-Yearly Volume of FU', being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, s1. 6d. each.

LoNSoN: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Adrew's Hill, Doctors' Comemons, and Publshed (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Flet-street, E.C.-
September 28, 1567.


KNEW a boor-a clownish card,
(His only friends wore pigs and cows and
The poultry of a small farmyard)
Who came into two hundred thousand.
,j Good fortune worked no change in BRuoww,
Though she's a mighty social chymist;
He was a clown-and by a clown
I do not mean a pantomimist.
It left him quiet, calm, and cool,
Though hardly knowing what a crown
You can't imagine what a fool
r 3j.,^ Poor rich uneducated BnowN was!
He scouted all who wished to come
And give him monetary schooling ;
And I propose to give you some
Idea of his insensate fooling.
I formed a Company or two-
(Of course I don't know what the rest meant,
I formed them solely with a view
To help him to a sound investment.)
Their objects were-their only cares-
To justify their Boards in showing
A handsome dividend on shares
And keep their good promoter going.
But no-the lout sticks to his brass
Though shares at par I freely proffer:
Yes-will it be believed ?-the ass
Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer

He added, with a bumpkin's grin,
(A weakly intellect denoting)
He'd rather not invest it in
A company of my promoting.
"You have two hundred thou' or more,"
Said I, You'll waste it, lose it, lend it-
Come, take my furnished second floor,
I'll gladly show you how to spend it !"
But will it be believed that he,
With grin upon his face of poppy,
Declined my aid, while thanking me
For what he called my philanthropyy"
Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice
In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them :
They will not hear the charmer's voice,
However wisely he may charm them!
I showed him that his coat, all dust,
Top boots and cords provoked compassion;
And proved that men of station must
Conform to the degrees of fashion.



I showed him where to buy his hat,
To coat him, trouser him, and boot him;
But no-he wouldn't hear of that-
"He didn't think the style would suit him "
I offered him a county seat,
And made no end of an oration;
I made the certainty complete,
And introduced the deputation.

But no-the clown my prospects blights-
(The worth of birth it surely teaches )
"Why should I want to spend my nights
In Parliament, a-making speeches ?
"I haven't never been to school-
I ain't had not no eddication-
And I should surely be a fool
To publish that to all the nation!'
I offered him a trotting horse-
No hack had ever trotted faster-
I also offered him, of course,
A rare and curious old master."
I offered to procure him weeds-
Wines fit for one in his position-
But, though an ass in all his deeds,
He'd learnt the meaning of "commission."
He called me thief" the other day,
And daily from his door he thrusts me;
Much more of this, and soon I may
Begin to think that BuowN mistrusts me.
So deaf to all sound Reason's rule
This poor uneducated clown was,
You cannot fancy what a fool
Poor rich uneducated BimowN was!

An-e Difference.
A CONTEMPORARY, speaking of submarine telegraphy, states that a
cable is projected from San Francisco to the Sandwich Islands, and
thence to China and Japan. It adds :-
Such a cable might in time be profitable, and in time the nceSccity therefore
will be sorely felt."
If our friend does not mean, antiquely speaking (not to say antically),
" therefore his remarks are somewhat sarcastic, for the sore want "
of such a cable-see prospectus of future company-will be the
" therefore" which follows the "because of profits.

OCTOBER 5, 1867.]



--- -- H E RA ERD
-. -.- OSBORNE
-- -- --- --- reports the
Separation of
---- the cable of
-- 1866. One
of the earliest
S--- -bits of news
-- --- it will have
-- i toflashunder
the Atlantic
S.- __ toourAmeri-
-- can cousins
will be star-
.. t- .-- tling enough
even to peo-
ple who are
not averse
from im-
'l ~ peaching
A L r ," their own
S I 'is President.
.- There will be
more stir
created in
America I
fancy by the
news of GA-
rest than
there has
been in Eng-
nl land. We
have begun
to give the
General up
as a riddle
too hard to solve, and are little surprised at anything he is, does, or
suffers. We still admire him, but the admiration is blended withe
wonder. At any rate no one can regret that he has been checked with-
out any disturbance of the peace, so necessary for the "solidification "
of the Italian kingdom. But at the very best the position is an
extremely trying one for the king and people, no less than for the
noble prisoner.
The mention of the Atlantic Cable reminds one that the scheme for
placing the telegraphs in the hands of the General Post Office seems
likely to be abandoned. It isto be greatly regretted that the agitation
should drop, for the telegraph companies want waking up sadly.
There is no depending upon them at all, and even in a matter of life
and death if you urge the immediate transmission of your message
upon the clerk, he gives you a flippant and unsatisfactory answer. It
would be an improvement if they would allow you to pay an extra fee
to insure promptitude, with damages recoverable.
The Fenian raid at Manchester has startled us all considerably. It
is no jesting matter that a handful of armed men should be able to
rescue prisoners from a police-van almost undisturbed. The whole
thing is incomprehensible; the police were warned, but did not take
sufficient precaution, and the rioters assembled and hung about the
Hyde-road for hours waiting for the van, and yet no report of the
gathering reached head-quarters. Then, again, it is very encouraging
to the conspirators, and most detrimental to the cause of order that the
two rescued prisoners should be still at large. In fact, what with this
rescue, the escape of STEPHENS, and the numerous similar cases (an
escape was reported only last week), we shall have the people who are
superstitious believing that bolts and bars and prison walls cannot
confine a Fenian. The truth, I fancy, is, that our prison system is as
faulty as our police system; that it serves well enough when it deals
with the ordinary criminal, but fails as soon as it encounters a more
intelligent or a more enterprising villain.
The London and Brighton Railway, which once seemed to be the
best managed and most prosperous of all the railways, is turning out
to be no better than its neighbours. The latest revelation shows that
for the sake of appearing wealthy, it has been paying income-tax at
the rate of a hundred thousand a year-upon a loss If an individual
were to get credit by producing his receipts for a tremendous income-
tax, he would, I suppose, be indictable for obtaining money under
false pretences. In a railway company such conduct is considered
"able financing," I daresay. But what will the unhappy share-

r s. [OCTOBER 5, 1867.

holders say? Of course the Government will refuse to return the
money-and very rightly.
I have just received from MEssRS. BARNARD of Oxford a set of
magic-lantern slides which are reproductions of FUN's Illustrated
Edition of the Poets," published in the almanac of last year. They
are cleverly copied, and, being printed by a patent enamel process, can
be produced in numbers which bring the price down to a very reasonable
The magazines are so plentiful nowadays, one never seems to get
through them all in the month. The third number of Toisley's is a
very marked improvement. A paper on "Yachting" is capital, and
Somebody's Bag is good. Dr. Brady progresses admirably, and
so does The Rock Ahead "-but why will MR. YATES introduce so
many real people, under very transparent disguises, into all his stories ?
WALT WHITMAN's Carol" is not the best thing which that eccentric
genius has written, but there is some poetry and not much "barbaric
yaup" in it. Belgravia has copied Tinsley's in one department, and
bids for the favour of the ladies with an article on Paris Fashions. By
the way, the editor has been represented as horrified to find that
"MR. BABINGTON WHITE" has cribbed "Circe" from OCTAVE
FEUILLET, and desirous to return us all our shillings What would
she say if she knew that BALZAc has also been laid under contribution
for that same novel ? Who can this mysterious being with the very
melodramatic name and the hazy ideas of literary honesty be ? I had
always been under the impression that it was only a nom de plume of
Mrss BRADDON'S. Cassell's Magazine seems to improve. But for a
very twaddlesome and shallow paper on omnibuses by DR. WrNTER, it
would be almost faultless, as far as the editorial and literary department
is concerned. The printing and the cuts are still susceptible of im-
provement. The Quiver is full of its usual arrows, though some of
them are a little too "goody" for my taste. Many of the illustrations,
notably those of WATSON, are good, but I think the coloured frontis-
piece a mistake. While I am on literary matters I may just say how .
glad I am to see that we are shortly to have The Life and Times of
QuEEN ANNE" .from MR. HANNAY. It will be, I dare prophesy, a rare
treat to all who love to read of that glorious age.

0 MAIDEN that art on the shores of Skelmorlie,
Where grimly the great cliffs look down on the Clyde;
Where sunsets are golden, and Summer yields sorely
Her empire to Autumn, who comes in her pride.
You must have a name for my verse, this dilemma
Is awkward, a poet can't rhyme to a myth;
So we will, if you please, for the nonce call you EMMA,
Your surname ? No matter; say Bao-we, JoNES, or SMITH.
I think that we must have been children together;
With faces soap-polish'd to one school we went;
When the toffy and apples in very hot weather
Would get in our pockets offensively blent.
Your appetite, then, would be very voracious,
Your eyes on your food most devouringly roll'd;
While I was an infant, both mild and mendacious,
And you would be whipped for the crammers I told.
Sweet days of our childhood! How pleasing the duty,
To burst, like a bird, on the theme into song;
We grew ; I can safely say I did, in beauty,
You'll tell me, I beg, if my facts should be wrong.
And you, when I married your sister, for ever
Became from that time quite the pest of my life;
I vow, if I'd known all your tricks I would never
Have taken that creature seraphic to wife.
This may be a dream from the Ivory Portal,
We know that dreams come to disquiet the breast;
You may be a vision, no flesh and blood mortal,
With hair very cr pd, becomingly dressed.
What of that! while the Laureate may rhyme to his lasses,
(He names in his verse a round dozen or more)
I'll fill to your name in the largest of glasses,
A little hot water,-and whiskey galore!

Try our Dillwyn's Mixture."
THE "tea-room party," of which MiR. DILLWvN was the spokesman
the other day, seems to set too much value on the stir created by its
teaspoons. It was but a tempest in a tea-cup; but those concerned
would do better to wash their dirty tea service, like their dirty clothes,
at home.

OCTOBER 5, 1867.] IF J I 37

[From Miss Julia Zoblolly, Broadstairs, to Miss Aminta Jipkittle,
DEAR MINTY,-I am most miserable. I have been cruelly deceived.
Yesterday I went down, as usual, to sit on the pier, where there is a
nice awning and occasional negro minstrels. Now a lot of silly people
are always writing all sorts of nonsense on the walls there, and I have
often, for fun, read them. What do you think P I saw written in pencil
the following dreadful words :-" ALGERNON, if you can manage to get
rid of that odious J. L. to-morrow, meet your LOTTY at the old place
under the cliff to-morrow." And then followed: -" I shall come, this
afternoon to look for an answer." And there was an answer. And it
was in his handwriting--I know it, never mind how It was this:-
" I'll throw J. L. over, sad ceme.-Your ALGERNON." Her ALGEaNON,0
indeed ? But I have.done with him, and Lotty (whoever she is) is
welcome to him, for alt I care.
But I am very miserable, and if it were not for packing I should ery.
GRBa0ea was very kind. When he saw what I had been reading, he
went and scratched it all out. So considerate, wasn't it ?
We shall all come. back by the boat to-morrow. I do hope it won't be
rough. There, have been such. high winds and tides lately, the waves
broke quite over the pier. It, was quite like the fountains at the Crystal
Palace sometimes, only water. WILLIAM got caught by the tide in a.
little bay one evening, and couldn't get out until twelve at night. He
was dreadfully cold and hungry. GEORGE congratulated him on being
made a tide-waiter-he says such funny things and jokes so pleasantly.

I could not finish my letter before leaving Broadstairs, and now
we've been home four days-and I only just take up my pen to com-
plete it.
Dearest MINTY, I am the happiest girl in the world. All is quite
changed, and I have had a lesson. But I will tell you everything straight
on. You know sea-water ruins your boots, and I wanted to get some new
ones. So GEORGE very kindly offered to escort me, and we went to
Poole-street, to a shoemaker called Steel, who GEORGE said was a capital
man. I went in and sat down-and what do you think ? The man
who came to fit on the boots was ALGERNON ACIEn !! And, what was
worse, his real name want STEEL even, much less AaIER. He was only
the second shopman. I thought I should have sunk through the floor.
But GEORGE was so good-so kind-so considerate. He pretended not
to know anything; and spoke quite patronisingly to this person. He
said he had seen him at Broadstairs, and they got into a conversation-
though the shopboy looked awfully confused. It seems he is to marry
his precious LOTTY. She is a shopgirl at CANT AND CASK'S.
There, now I've told you all-no, not quite all. In fact, I'm going to
be married-but I'm not going to change my name.
P.S.-It's-not such an ugly name after all. I rather begin to like it.
Do you know that beautiful piece of poetry in the play of Romeo. and
Juliet ?-GEORGE wrote it in my album for me-about a rose with any
other name.
P.P.S.-Don't tell Miss NIPPER, or the girls-unless you think you
ought-perhaps you ought.

[From George Loblolly, Esq., Lower Carboy-street, to Charles Smith, Esq.,
DEAR CHARLIE,-The oracle has worked admirably. Congratulate
me, old fellow! I'm going to marry the girl I love. She's a regular
little stunner, though she was a little stuck-up and spoilt. But she
has had a lesson, and will profit by it for the rest of her life.
I told you I had a little scheme afoot, and now I'll give you details.
I twigged my bootmaker's assistant cutting a dash down here under an
assumed name. He managed to make JULIA, who of course knows
nothing of swells, believe that he was one. It was mere impudence
and vanity, for he was engaged to a shopgirl at CANT AND CASK'S, and
she was down there too. However, he deceived poor JULIA completely,
and behaved like a scamp-but I took it out of him. Luckily, she
wanted some boots on her return to town, so I escorted her to my
shop, and then humiliated the fellow in her presence. She had had a
smart shock a little before, finding some scribbled nonsense at the pier-
end, and this completed the cure.
She appreciated my conduct-for I never chaffed, and did all I
could to console. In the end she consented to be my wife-there, old
boy! You and I have been chums ever since we fought together at
old WAPHAM's academy, and I always told you that you should be the
first to hear of the splicing. You must be groomsman too, and give
me away! Yours ever, GEORGE.
P.S.-The governor is quite happy now he is back: pickles are
Paradise Regained to him. My mother is all the better now that
there's no chance of the young 'uns falling into the water. As for

WILLIAM, his love of philosophy will always lead him into mosses,
wherever he is. He frightened us all out of our wits the other night
by getting cut off by the tide in a little bay with steep cliffs. It was a
near squeak, for the tide only left him about ten feeoot square of sand
to bless himself with.
I shall always look back to our stay at Broadstairs with pleasure,
for I owe it much.
P.P.S.-I've just told the governor, who is quite satisfied. But he
does not think I have a call for his business, and seems to think
WILLIAM better suited to sustain the reputation of the house in oil and
colours. So he has offered me my share in money, to enable me
to start in any line I choose. Hooray I

No. 30.
HE strikes to free a nation sore opprest,
With Austrian scars still plain upon her breast.
He joined the men who lately talked of peace,
And form'd wild plans by which wars ne'er should oeawo.
Will some one give the hero one mild hint ?-
He really is a lunatic in print.

Whenever in Paris we happen to roam,
We may sigh and exclaim that there's no place like home;
And this pleasant tidings will bring to us there
Of how in their fatherland Englishmen fare.
A nice occupation, that's always in season,
But children should see that they do it in reason;
For horrible pains, as you'd easily guess,
Will result from the practice indulged to excess
A dear little maiden scarce out of her teens,
You'll read all her story in some magazines;
Her pa, from his name, might have lived in Kamschatka,
For we knew that they called the old buffer BALATKA.
A poet, who foolishly sought her,
A lady as grand as you please,
Sneered at her for being the daughter
Of only one hundred of those.
A lady of power that is surely gigantic,
I fancy she's starring across the Atlantic !
Her line, as we know, is the madly dramatic,
In tones that are gentle or very emphatic.
River, river onward flowing to the vastness of the soa,
Thou hast now a name that ever shall by all remembered be.
His dress and his looks were exceedingly seedy,
You saw at a glance ho was terribly needy ;
But what had I done that he wanted to borrow
A "fiver," and vowed to return it-to-morrow F

U Undo 0
N Nu U
I Interest T
0 Outrigger R
N Norma A
I Iceberg G
S Sole B
XM Moss a
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF AcaosTic No. 28, BBCEIVED S.rr. 25Ti :-None Corroct.

The Schoolmaster Abroad.
WE read in a contemporary that MR. FRITH has been commissioned
to paint a portrait of II.I.M. the Empress of the French." For tlhe
credit of the paper concerned, we trust this is a printer's error; any
schoolboy must know that we should speak of the Emproes as

Ireland's (s)trop-ics.
Ox what do thelIrish people sharpen their wits ?-Their "och hone !"

38 F U N [OCTOBER 5, 1867.


THE UPPER TESTIMONIAL. "Bill o' the Play."
AN advertisement inserted by MR. THOMAS HUNT in the Times tells AN ingenious American has invented a new style of programme for
us that MR. MARTIN TuPPER is now at length," and that he is to the theatres. It is made of light pastry, and the letter-press is printed
have a testimonial. in chocolate paste. The notion is pleasant, and will be very popular at
We have not heard of MB. TuPPER's decease, so we are rather at a Christmas, when MASTER HOPEPUL will look forward to his pantomime
loss to explain the mystic intimation that he is "now at length ;" but with more than even his ordinary "devouring anxiety." Puff paste
the fact that something is to be done in recognition of his services will of course be the popular medium for advertising stars, while a
to literature and religion" shines unmistakably through the fog of heavier hand will be needed for the production of programmes for
bad grammar in which the announcement is wrapped. dough-mestic dramas. One comfort is, that even in cases where a new
It is declared that the form of the Testimonial will be determined piece won't go down, its bills can be swallowed.
by its amount, and it is suggested that probably the simplest form is
best. Both of these intimations point to a letter "0" as the form that
the testimonial is likely to assume. Personally, we decline to send "Mark Ye That!"
cheques to MR. THoMAs HUNT for that purpose; but the following Massns. BAss have an enormous album filled with the forged trade-
inscription, adapted to its probable form, is quite at his service ; marks of their beer, which they have collected in all parts of the
world, from Britain to Japan. Such imitations may be considered
MARTINUM TUPPER tokens of admiration, but they can hardly be considered marks of
Qui SCRIPSIT MAGIS NONSENSTI, For those of Tender Years.
QUAM ULLUS ALIUS SUM .ETATIS ET SUI PONDERIS, TAPPY is a Welshman, and, it's my belief,
Hoc f ON U ME NTUM ROTUNDUM, When he tries to poetise, TAFFY comes to grief.
IE DIP C ATUM HERAT A SUO (And so do other people besides TAFFY.-ED.)
ESQUIHE. Must have been Born with a Call."
A SPECULATOR, who has been let-in over head and ears by the col-
Signs of the Times. lapsing of limited liability companies and still survives, has cut the
A PARAGPH is going the rounds, stating that "birds of passage acquaintance of an old and valued friend simply because he happens
have begun their annual migration southwards." A somewhat to be, when in company, a promoter -of harmony.
lengthy paragraph winds up with-" This is a presage of a har win-
ter." Nothing of the kind! At this present writing the swallows are Making the Best of It.
skimmina to and fro, and show no signs of meeting for their annual THosE unlucky wights who are unable to run down to the seaside
flight. We suspect that paragraph!-and are inclined to alter its last for a blow on the pier, may still-at JOovent Garden-enjoy their
sentence into "This is the sign of a hard-up sub-editor." "promenade and their JETTY"-TREFFZ.


"LORD STANLEY has left town for Knowsley for relaxation."-Mornhiy Post.

OCTOBER 5, 1867.] F U 41

I DON'T think as ever I know'd anything much wuss than the way
as the streets is lighted all over London, and partik'ler out our way, as
is darkness wisible all over the place, and I'm sure the gas in my
kitchen burns that dismal as mend her stockings by it the gal
can't thro' a-wearin' black in mournin' for her father as was took
sudden thro' disease of the 'art, as is all my eye, for the public-
house was 'is end, as it is of a good many more. Not as I'd ever allow
a servant for to wear black stockings, and so I told 'er, but of course
for the fust three months, as is only natural grief, as did ought to be
showed thro' respect. Not as any one could respect 'im, as were a
downright disgrace and had got her out of one or two places thro'
a-comin' and ringin' the bell far gone in drink, and a-demandin' on 'er
as his child, and come that caper with me once, as pretty soon settled
him, a-sittin' on my doorstep a-cryin' and a-sayin' it were 'ard to part
a father and child, and 'er, poor thing, a-'idin' behind the washus
door thro' fright of him as 'ad laid 'er mother's head open with the
dust shovel the week afore she left 'ome. So I jest marches myself
out and calls to a policeman as were a-passin', and says if this feller
touches my bell-handle again lock 'im up, as he did according and so
WARInn, as were 'is name, never come nigh me agin, but 'is fool of a
wife come and said as he'd took cold in the perlice cells as 'ad struck
to 'im, and p'raps he did, but it was no cold as killed 'im, but constant
gin and beer, as 'ad quite undermined his constitution.
As I was a-sayin', the gas is a downright disgrace all about us, and
I'm sure they're always a-tearin' the road up to look to them pipes,
and lets a lot of it escape as the smell on is enough to knock you down,
and so it did me close agin Lambeth-walk, where they'd been and
digged up the pipes and not left room for any one to pass without
a-walkin' along the bank as they'd made in throwing' up the earth on the
pavement shameful. It's all a job, no doubt, and how they gets their
living the same as the water and the drains, as they're only too glad
for an excuse to dig the place up, as is work for hundreds the same as
it was down the Commercial-road three years ago, as nearly cost me
my life and a many more. For I was a-goin' out in the evening' for to
make a few purchases, and 'ad got into the Commercial-road and all
the drains was up all over the place, with the earth mountains 'igh
along the pavement as we was all obligated for to walk along the top
on throw' pools of water on the pavement. A lot of idyots was a-standin'
up there a-watchin' the men at work, as is always the way way with them
as is idle, and I was in a 'urry and says, "Oh, do let anybody pass "
One says, Why didn't you send word you was a-comin ?" Another
says, Make way for the lady maress !" all a-jeerin' at me. Well, jest
then if one of them men as was working down below didn't break open
a water-pipe with his pickaxe, and up comes the water like water like a fountain
a-delugin' any one. I was obligated for to step back like, when I
heard parties a-hollerin' "Hi! hi !" and felt myself regular swep' off
my legs, and down I goes with a many more into that there drain,
a-top of the workmen, and it's a mercy as I pitched into where it was
soft mud, or I might 'ave broke my back.
Well, them navigators as they calls them as were at work tho' a
rough lot, was werry kind a-liftin' of me into dry ground agin, and I
says, "Whoever was it as shoved me into the drain ?" So a ohap
says, "Why, that ere moke-" I says, "Who's a moke ? "' "Why,"
he says, "'Im with the pannyers," and so it proved to be a donkey,
for if one of them posters hadn'tt come along the pthe path behind us with
'is donkey as the pannyers on had knocked every one into the drain in
a row till stopped by a tinker as 'ad a pot of fire, with a 'ot iron, as
pretty soon waked that coaster up, and a nice fight there was. I'd a
good mind for to jump thint n agin, as I should have been
knocked into but for the perlice, as come up, but 'ad to turn back' omne
bedaubed from head to foot, and lumps of clay a-stickin' to me, as dried
as hard as flint and stuck like wax.
Well, I was a-walkin' down Lambeth way the other evening and
they was a-takin' up the gas-pipes as I'd smelt for ever so far, and
they was a-tryin' of the pipe all along with a bit of rope as they'd set
light to, when all of a sudden it flared out that violent as made me
back sudden, and down I went. I thought as I fell wonderful soft, and
felt as I'd gone into something as wasn't paving stones, and I heard
sich a cryin', and a old man and a young gal a-sereamin' at me and
trying' to pull me up. I says, "Let me alone, I can get up," but no I
couldn't, for I seemed stuck like. The young gal began abusing' me
frightful, a-callin' me a stupid old hass. A young feller as were
passing' says, "Up with you, mother, you're a-crumplin' the linen,"
and up he jerked me that violent as seemed to hustle my bones. I
says, Whatever do you mean, a-usin' sich wiolonce to a lady as 'ave
only got summer things on as'll tear like tinder f" "I should like to
tear you to tinder," says the gal," Look here, a whole week's work
I looks round, and if I hadn't been and "set down in a basket of
clean clothes as that old man and the young gal was a-carryin'
between 'em. I says, "Why did you get so close behind me ?" Says
the old man, "You backed like a restive cart-horse." I says, "That's

nice manners, to compare a lady to a cnrt-horse." He says, "You'd
be a fine lady, take you by the pound." I says, I don't want none
of your impidence," I says, I'd rather give you a shillin' for the
damage as I've done." Says the gal, A shillin' won't pay mother,
as 'ave been a-standin' ironing these things till she's nearly dropped,
and won't she give it me !" I says, "Where does she live F" She
says, "Close by." I says, "I'll come and see 'er," for I see the poor
child were frightened, and as to the old man, as were her grandfather,
he 'adn't no sense 'ardly.
I never see a cleaner place than that poor woman's, tho' only one
room, as got 'er bread by ironing as is 'ard work, and no doubt tries
the temper, and I sees as she were a bit of a brimstone, but law bless
you, 'ard work and short commons, as the sayin' is, would try the
temper of a saint, and there ain't many of them about nowadays.
I soon told Mus. PaESWIci, as were 'er name, all about it, and it was
as much as I could do for to make 'er believe as it wasn't the gal's
fault; as to the old man, he'd lewanted. So she says to me quite short,
"Then I'll trouble you to iron 'cm over agin, for my legs is that
swelled a-standin' as I can't." I says, Let see 'em," so we opens the
basket, and I pretty soon could tell as it wasn't worry deadly the 'arm
as were done. So I says, Put me down a iron," and takes off my
bonnet and shawl. Says the woman, You don't mean to say as you're
a-goin' to try to iron 'em up!" I says, "No, I ain't a-goin' to try,
I'm a-goin to iron 'em," for the ironin' board were ready. Why," I
says, "I'll set 'em right in a quarter of a'our," and so 1 did, and made
'em look all the better. So she says, Whoever taught you ironin' ?'
I says, "One of the best as ever lived, as were my own mother, as
did used to get up lace for Court ladies as good as new."
I don't think as ever I see anyone stare more than that poor gal, as
she watched me, and I says to 'er mother, You're too heavy-handed
with your starch, as a dampin' with a wet cloth will improve this 're
'abit shirt," and so it did. So I says, "1ow, my dear, you may be off
with them; where's you're grandpa as you calls 'im ?" She run for to
find 'im, and that poor Mas. Ps eSWICm told me been deserted
by her husband and left with three, and 'ad 'eor own troubles tho'
bein' bad in 'er breath as the doctor told 'er would turn to dropsy, a I
think werry likely, and she said as she'd 'or father on 'or ais as
lived in the back kitchen with a mangle, as was almost past work, and
'ad been a boot-closer. I quite took to that woman, and she was that
clean and 'ard-workin', so you see some good come out of the gas and
no thanks to them, as is a set of cheats, a-comin' botherin' constant
about their metre, as is always wrong, and I 'ates the nasty and
stifling feeling of gas as ain't fit for anything but shops and passages,
and in a small room is adownright furnace, and spiles evorythink and
blacks the ceilin' like a chimblv and I can't aboar it, and if it don't
get better I'll go back to candles, as I shouldn't mind but for the
snuflin', as is never endin' work, lot alone the dirt.

Ir I were a jelly-fish great and good,
Oh, what a jelly-fish I would be !
But I can't be a jelly-fish e'en if I would,
And so, as a jelly-fish, look not on me !
To float away on the roaming wave
Whithersoever the wave might list,
That is the life that my heart would crave-
That is the spell I could never resist.
To swim, and float, and wander away
To no matter where-and no matter why,
Like yonder pale jelly-fish out in the bay,
That is the sore of existence, say I.
This may be poetry-may be it's prose-
May be it's-anyhow, this is enough;
It will pass for a poem as poetry goes-
Jelly-fish fashion-transparentish stuff !

Unreported Dramatic Fact.
ONE thing connected with the recent interesting performances of
Romeo and Juliet at the Adelphi has been most unaccountably ignored
by the papers. We allude to the fact that MR. To'.i TAYLOR played
Nurse to Miss KATE TERRY's Juliet. It is fit that so notable a fact
should be put upon record, though that being done, little is needed by
way of comment. Anything undertaken by MAl. T. T. is sure to be
done well. Briefly, then, the distinguished dramatist supported Miss
TERRY admirably. His garrulity was simply wonderful, and his
scolding was superb.
THE MODERN FREE LANCE."-Gratuitous Vaccination.


[OCTODEI 5, 1367.

Charlie :-" Is IT A BOY P "

Emily :-" No, A GIRL."
Charlie (fretfully) :-" On, THEN I SHALL BE A NASTY AUNT "

WE commend a three-volume story called Webs in the Way, published
by MESSRS. TINSLEY BROTHERS, to lovers of the amphibious novel.
The narrative is divided pretty fairly between land and sea; and it
strikes us that the author, Mu. G. MANVILLE FENN, is more happy
afloat than ashore. He puts before us, in thoroughly fresh and vivid
language, the adventures of a common sailor, who rescues a couple of
young ladies from a crew of mutineers and encounters all sorts of
peril in their service. Ml. FENN manages to describe incidents of a
" sensational" kind in the simplest manner, and thus to heighten their
effect. People will believe almost anything if they have it related in
a common-place and sober style; sprinkle it with notes of admiration,
and they suspect you. The author of Webs in the Way has not read
his Robinson Crisoe for nothing. On dry land, as we have already
hinted, he is not nearly so successful. The character of Mrs. Levigne,
a wicked woman, of the type so dear to our lady novelists, is over-
drawn and unnatural. She bites her lips too much-glides too often
into rooms at the precise moment when she is least wanted-and,
above all, drinks too much laudanum. This doll has been played with
quite enough, and should have been put back on the shelf long ago.
MR. FENN is far more artistic in his portrait of the Captain "- a
pimpled, seedy, and red-nosed specimen of the billiard-sharper, tout
and welcher; just the kind of man whom our dear friend NICHOLAS
would look down upon with a lofty disdain, and almost refuse to drink
with. And this monster of debauchery- ("the Captain," not NICHOLAS)
-is the beautiful Mrs. Levigne's husband; therefore, as a matter of
course, the beautiful Mrs. Lovigne wishes to commit bigamy. It
really seems that nothing in the shape of a three-volume novel can be
written in these times without a bigamy. Mrs. Levigne, foiled in
bigamy, jumps off Westminster Bridge with a chemist in her arms.
Their lives are spared, but the chemist goes mad. In the end he
recovers his reason, and Mrs. Levigne dies penitent, singing a hymn
(the only one she knows), and accompanying herself beautifully on
the pianoforte.

Let not the author think that we are laughing at his book because
we sum up its leading incidents thus briefly end flippantly. We have
read it from cover to cover with great interest; and our first acquaint-
ance with his descriptive powers makes us desire to know more of
them. There are bits of nautical writing in his novel that are not at
all inferior to MAInRYAT. The greatest fault we find in him is the
extreme conventionality of his female sinner, and the other faults are
trifling ones. Webs in the Way is a book to be read.

MAY it please your Judicial Wisdoms! I am about to tell you a
story-a very old one, with a very new moral to it.
A professor of Natural Sciences was once called upon to give a deft-
nition of a "Lobster."
A lobster," he replied, "is a red fish that walks backward."
"Capital," exclaimed CUVIER, to whom this definition was sub-
mitted. First-rate, indeed; only permit me three observations;
as to the rest, it is perfect:-
1st. A lobster is not a fish.
2nd. It is not red.
3rd. It does not walk backward."
MA. FITZGERALD, of the Buckingham Petty Sessions, says of the
REv. Ma. HARLEY, accused of gross cruelty to a dog:-
Mai. HARLEY is a humane man.
Ma. HARLEY has behaved like a gentleman.
MR. HARLEY has acted like a Christian minister."
"Capital!" says FNo. "First-rate, indeed! Only, permit me
three observations; as to the rest, it is perfect:-
1st. The REv. MR. HARLEY is not a fish.
2nd. He is not red.
3rd. He does not walk backward."



OCTOBER 5, 1867.]


TwELVE periwinkles dwelt down by the sea-
With a nonny nonino-nonny nonino !
They met with a poet and asked him to tea,
Nonny nonino hey !
Said he, Well, I take it quite kindly that ye-
With a nonny, &c.-
Should be thinking of asking a party like me -
Nonny, &c.
"But tell me, my maritime friends," said he,
With a nonny, &c.-
What might you think of providing for tea ?"
Nonny, &c.
The twelve periwinkles said, Cannot you guess ? A-
With a nonny, &c.-
Platefull of Enteromorpha compressa-
Nonny, &c.
Oh," quoth the poet, I really don't see-
With a nonny, &c.-
How you can call a salt salad a tea.
Nonny, &c.
"If you to my lodgings accompany me-
With a nonny, &c.-
I'll show you the sort of a spread it should be.
KeNonny, &c.
"Understand, too, I wish the invite to extend-
With a nonny, &c.-
To each prawn and each shrimp you may count as a
Nonny, &c.
The twelve periwinkles that dwelt by the sea-
With a nonny, &c.-
Accepted the bard's invitation with glee,
Nonny, &c.
And they, with such shrimps and such prawns as they
With a nonny, &c.-
Went home with that poet, delighted a few!
Nonny, &c.
His toast it was brown, and his kettle was hot-
SWith a nonny, &c.-
A spoonful a-piece and one more for the pot!
Nonny, &c.
Oh, the tea, milk, and sugar, he put in his cup-
With a nonny, &c.- *
And the prawns, shrimps, and winkles-he gobbled 'em
Nonny, &c.
The moral of which little tale is, you see,
With a nonny nonino, nonny nonino !
Don't go, when a poet invites you to tea,
Nonny nonino hey !

Not Very Clear.
?'No Act of Parliament was ever drawn up through which some in-
kenious person or other could not drive a coach-and-four. But we
fancy the New Metropolitan Management Act is the first through
which an umbrella could be thrust. A bewildered constable has just
applied to us for advice under the following circumstances. The Act
says, "The Commissioner of Police may cause any dog which has
remained in the hands of the police for three clear days, unclaimed,"
to be sold or destroyed. Considering the Act first comes into force in
tle month of November, we think it likely that some trouble may be
based by this clause. Three clear days in London in November are
almost as difficult to find as grammatical Acts of Parliament.

Sun and Company.
-'WE see it stated in a contemporary that a new type company has
been started at New York, "for producing metallic type by means of
isnlight." This surpasses the photographic feat-we should say
hand-of History, who was seen, by TOM MooRE, "to write with a
pencil of light." If the enterprising company can only carry their
adheme a little further, and manufacture the requisite sunlight out of
&cumbers, their success will be complete.

Sd c.. ToI QUARTERS.-Autumn and winter.

WE are told that our grandfathers -dear old three-bottled dogs,
who staggered into the theatres with more wine than wit on board-
actually trembled and grew pale over "The Miller and his Men." The
-late MR. FARLEY curdled the blood and elevated the hair of crowded
houses as Grindoff, and MA. LISTON was extremely diverting as Karl.
We are not like our grandfathers. Ma. RYDEn delights not us-no,
nor MR. J. Rouse either-though, by our smiling, we might have
seemed to say so. The band of robbers which is the terror of
Bohemia seems to us (Bohemian as we are) inexpressibly comic, and
the trials of Claudine and Lothair interest us no more than if we had
cut the loving couple out of papbr and slid them on and off the boards
of a SKELT'S miniature theatre.
But, as a curiosity, The Miller and his Mon is well worth see-
ing, and we consider that MR. CaA'rTERTON has done a laudable thing
in reviving the funny old piece at Drury Lane. There must be some-
thing very wicked in our modern burlesques, for they have taught us
to roar at the noblest sentiments, even when delivered in the most
unexceptionable English; they have made the virtuous Kelmar seem
the prosiest of old pumps, and Grindoff the most conventional of
ruffians. We like these people none the less, though, but rather the more,
for laughing at them so heartily. The piece can never be dull to any-
body with a sense of humour, and we advise all the town to go to Drury
Lane and see it. SIRa HENRY Be SHO's music is as fresh as a daisy, and
some very pretty scenery has boon painted for the revival. MEssas,
RYDER, E. PHELPS, BARRETT, and RousE do their best (quite ineffec-
tually) to make the characters look like life; and, played as an after-
piece, the melodrama goes well. It would go better if Ma. EDMUND
PHELPS could commit the words of his part to memory, and the figure
that crosses the back of the stage in a boat could manage to row less
This is a busy week for the cities. In six more nights the present
writer will have been to six more theatres, or perished in the attempt.
To die in our stall would be a noble ending.

A PunBLIC spirited Bostonian has founded a tutorship of elocution at
the Andover Theological Seminary, to train the students in the art of
"apt, forcible, and convincing public address." We should think
JUDOE PAYNE would do admirably for the post. If not always apt,
his addresses are always forcible, and generally carry a pretty strong
"conviction" with them.

[ We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketees unless they are aceompanisd
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no nottoe of communioa-
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]
DRAMA (Reform Club).-If, instead of scribbling anonymous letters, you
would come forward like a gentleman, we could point out your blunder in a
A. K. (Lothbury.) -We must, though ourselves loth, bury your MS. in
the W. P. B.
A JuNioa.-There was nothing to take offence at, surely!
J. M. N. (Fulham-road.)-Please see our regulations.
THANK Q. (Glasgow).-Smart, but you must see that we can't use it.
Bon informs us that he is suffering from ague in consequence of the
trouble his joke cost him. The joke is very shauy, too!
HARRY W.-Under consideration.
F. A. 0. (Chelmsford.)-A very old joke and a very poor sketch.
F. C. E. (Kew Green.)-The notion may make Kew Green, but the
general public would not smile even.
PERRY.-We must beg to decline the ex-PERnYt-ment.
BETTY BLossoM must be nipt in the bud, or we shall come to bliws.
Nur.-We have a-nuf without you, thanks.
X. Y. Z.-A B.C.-ly bad drawing.
TiRANSMAGNIFICANrANDANJUALITATAS. -Your signature is almost as
long as the contribution you send, and quite as unmeaning.
F. A. D. (Stoke Newington.)-We wish we could say you were a
F. A. D. of ours, but we can't.
PSYCHE.-Oh, crikey!
SATYR.-We don't require jokes copied out of our back numbers.
Declined with thanks: -R. W. ; H. W. M., Hayes: A. H., Liverpool;
A. B.; A. D., Glasgow; A. S., Cheltenham; W. V., Rugby; A. 8,
Paisley; Iota; W. B Islington; L. J. C., Bedminster; F. S. B, Crosby-
square; E. H. C.; F. F., Jersey; C. E. N., Bayawater; Thomas, Wilder-
ness-row ; Charlie; Grim; Novice; Marmion; M. C. Acton-street; A
Contributor; Asmodeus J. P. D., Lee; Cub; G. C., Hyde Park; J. T. G.,
Balham; E. W. C., St. Paul's Cray; A. G. C.; A Middle-sex Person; One
Taken-in; II. B. M. G., Weston-super-Mar ; T. W. J., Cheapide;
S. L. C., Kingston; W. S. M., St. Martin's-le-Grand; J. 1F. L March;
A Enemy; L. S.; J. D. P., St. Luke's; J. A. H. L tham; H. d., Brent-
ford; A. Y., Old Broad-street; A. M., Pimlico; F. S. B., Crosby-square;
J. G., Chelmsford; E. H. F.


[OcroBER 5, 1867.

BY Oui OwN DA-xNo.
NoT scalloped! Forbid it, ye divinities, who preside over the exquisite
pleasures of the Gastronomist. Not fried The flavour of the fire is
profanation to the pure pellucid mollusc whose very nature is gelatinous
gelidity. Not separated from the shell, heaped in a plate, and be-
vinegared until there is no flavour but that of the fork with which the
plump and tempting morsels are disfigured ere they can reach the mouth.
I have tried all these vile innovations, and if it had been possible to
abate my passionate appreciation of the most exquisite of food-ambrosia
of Aphrodite!-concentration of Cleopatric richness !-sublimated de-
glutable pearl !-I might have learned to loathe, and leave the lunch
I love! If there is one man upon whose grave I would willingly cast
stones, it would be that of him who invented oyster sauce Who was
he to degrade the daintiest delicacy that can charm mankind into a
mere adjunct ?-to stifle the bland beneficence of a bivalve beauty
in an ocean of filthy melted butter ? Faugh! I could almost wish
that he had been buried in Bunhill-fields, then would his tomb have
been certainly desecrated! Unless-unless indeed they had piled it
high with oyster-shells; and so by ostracism after death reminded the
world how sure a penalty attaches to the man who hath no reverence
for the pure and beautiful in nature.
No. To cook an oyster is to turn a diamond into charcoal, than
which no alchemy can be more illustrative of this utilitarian age.. I
vow I would sooner pay for my oysters than have them so desecrated
as it is the fashion now to treat them, and yet to pay for them I
consider is in itself a kind of desecration, a dragging of mere base and
material considerations into an employment which should be altogether
ethereal and above such grossness. Let me, I say, stand with ample
elbow room, and apart from wretches who cut or fork their oysters, or
drench them with the vinegar that hath lain on chilies, or dredge
them with black pepper, or sup and gurgle at them as they eat, or
spill the liquor down their vests, or wait until a whole dozen are ready
for their indiscriminating maws. Let me stand at a fair counter with
its pure marble top, and there calmly and with fine appreciation take
each exquisite mouthful from its pearly shell in the moment after it
hath been revealed by the knife of the honest man who opens it.
I call him honest who, with one dexterous action, deftly opens the

shell and separates the plump inhabitant thereof from its hold, leaving
it otherwise unscathed and still as it were swimming in that essence
which is like sea-air concentrated into-into-I was about to say
gravy; but the word is too coarse. Let -it pass. SIMM: SWEETING :
H aRvEY: PRossER-I know ye all! How many a blissful half-
hour have I stood in the dingy dimness, the shadowy retirement, of
thy retreat in Maiden-lane, Oh RULE and but that thou art too
ready to demand the liquidation of a small account-though it was
eleven and not twelve dozen; so thou must amend thy bill. But for
this, I say, I would come again, at that time in the evening before the
hungry crew come bustling in from Faust and prepare themselves
anew for Grindoff and Lothair. To eat oysters with an appetite is
sacrilege. We eat oysters for an appetite: or as the only pure in-
dulgence of the palate ever yet discovered by civilized man. No. I
will be here before the crowd, since I must needs take them on a
The old stall had its charm. Its very rudeness, so that the fishwife
handled her knife deftly-was suggestive, for oysters need no artificial
aids. And then, I think, those women were more confiding.

Light! More Light! "
THE Select Committee on the Metropolitan Gas Bill have, we are
delighted to learn, thrown light upon a subject that sadly wanted
illumination-London gas! We shall be rather surorised if, after the
meeting of Parliament next session, we are not enable to turn off our
gas-and our gas company-and get a better supply.

"There was a Lake from India Came."
Now that the Reform question has arrived at something like a settle-
ment, it is to be hoped that the Government, with the Orissa case
staring them in the face, will direct more of their attention to the
Bheels of Hindostan and less to the BEALES of Adelphi-terrace.

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Twelfth Half- Yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 6s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.

London :-Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published Ifor the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
October 5, 1867.

OCTOBER 12, 1867.]



THE most exciting and poetical of sensation-plays, "Arrah-na-
Pogue," suffers somewhat from the substitutions attending its
revival. MR. G. VINrNO's O'Grady is only pretty good, and MR.
BROUGHAM's was perfect. MR. GRESHAM, a clever actor in heavy
business, plays the Sergeant with a terribly coarse kind of humour;
the first representative of the character was admirable. Other altera-
tions in the cast have taken place, few of them for the better. MRa.
and MRS. BOUCICAULT have resumed their old parts, and very charm-
ingly they play them. MR. DOMINICK MURRAY, who has retouched
and intensified Micaael Feeny, was called before the curtain two or
three times on the first night of the revival. By the way, the author
has very judiciously substituted the "Shan VanVoght" for the "Wearin'
of the Green." The treason of the former song is comparatively mild,
and therefore less likely to stimulate the Fenians in the gallery to go
into the streets and commit murder.
The pretty and comfortable Prince of Wales's has been re-opened
with Caste," which seemed to have got its second breath and gone in
for another "spurt." Mns. LEIGo MnURRAY is now playing the part
originally given to Miss LARKIN.
MR. CAVE, the manager of the Marylebone Theatre, has just entered
into the command of the Victoria. The house has been thoroughly
cleaned, and everything about it looks very nice. A noticeable change
has taken place in the behaviour of the "gods," who now listen soberly
and sensibly to the pieces, instead of hooting, whistling, and fighting
throughout the livelong performance. This improvement has been
brought about by. arge placards, pasted against the gallery walls,
which threaten instant expulsion in case of disturbance. We admire
MR. CAYX's vigorous measures; he evidently knows how to deal with
a transpontine audience. The pieces at present on the Victoria bills
are a melodrama called "The Sin of a Life," and the comic drama
" Giralda," which are very respectably played. MA. LEwis NANTON,
who seems the favourite, is an actor who will make a name.


Above Parr.
A REMARKABLE case of longevity lias come under our notice. It is
on record that OLD PARRI" attained the great age of 152 years nine
months. Far be it from us to make light of so venerable a subjectt,
still we may not be out of place in stating that thiq great fact has b(eon
completely cast into the shade by an acquaintance of ours-a chandelier
manufacturer-who has already seen considerably more than thirty
lustres, and, we are happy to add, has every prospect of witnessing as
many more.

Nose-such Thing!
A LADY advertises in a New York paper for a husband "having it
Roman nose with strong religious tendencies." Poor thing! She will
never meet with the object of her desires. A nose with religious tin-
dencies would of course turn up-which is a feat no nose of the lInian
type could possibly achieve.

Get Along with yer Barry!
WE understand that efforts are being made to refer the great
"running down" case-P-GiN V. BAtiY-to arbitration. For tlie
credit of both parties, we shall be glad to hear that this arrangmin..nt
has been carried into effect.

An Artistic Wager.
THE papers state that a largi bl d of paint of various colours aind of
superior quality has just been discovered in Michigan; it is said to lie
three miles in length. An artist of our acquaintance declares lhat he
will "lay his palette there's no truth in the report.

SIR ROWLAND HILL is writing a history of penny postage. We
hear he has got well a-head with it, but we do not know whether it
will be issued in penny numbers, stamped.



46 F TJ N [OCTOBER 12, 1867.

ERPETUAL swaying of steamers,
Oh, terrible tumble of tides-
More dear than the drowsing of dreamers,
O Who ramble by rustic road-sides!
Oh, lips that are pale with the anguish,
Let me see you again and again ;
OA They are yours when so seasick they languish,
-Our Lady of Pain !
I gloat on the grins and the groaning,
The torments that torture-not kill:
And music to me is the moaning
.. Of travellers terribly ill.
... _A rapture I cannot unravel,
S.Their throes set a-thrill in my brain:
-_ -- These-these are my pleasures of travel,
--- -Our Lady of eiain!
And on landing I lose not the longing,
That mingles my manhood with mud:
For the merry musquitos come thronging,
With lips that laugh blithely in blood:
And fleas, with their kIsses that burn me,
Bite till cruel red mouths show the stain-
IInto poesy passionate turn me,
Our Lady of Pain!
And the donkeys Egyptian and spiteful
'! Shall share in the shame of my hymns,
For the jolting that brands the delightful
Dark bruises on delicate limbs.
And the Alps shall be ranked with the asses
For the fracture, the frostbite, the sprain,
And the mangling of flesh in crevasses,
Our Lady of Pain!
And if-leaving me, though, unshattered-
An accident fell should betide,
And the train that I ride in is scattered
In ruin on every side-
.. .. \ Dislocations and discolourations,
And gush of bright gore, not in vain
Shall awake in me languid sensations,
Our Lady of Pain!
Thus I roam through the universe vasty,
O'er mountain, vale, meadow, and wood;
And I venerate all that is nasty,
And gird against all that is good;
In the mire my delight is to linger,
Although I to the heights might attain:
But you don't catch me scratching my finger,
Our Lady of Pain !


OOTOBER 12, 1867.]



PooH, never mind the Times !
Perhaps your supers are a seedy lot;
(And oh! good gracious, WSnsTES, are they not F)
Perhaps your scenery has had its day
(And that was rather distant, I should say);
Perhaps your house does want a little scrubbing ;
The critic must be mad who takes to dubbing
Such little matters crimes.
A manager, an author, and an actor;-
In one so versatile as you, my BEN,
The stage has got a triple benefactor-
And, if you lose your temper now and then
When critically lectured or admonished,
Of course we're sorry, but we're not astonished.
But where is PAUL ?-
Not singing, surely, at a music-hall ?
I hear he goes
About the country chanting "Jolly Nose!"
And CLARKE and TOOL ?-
We're not so flush of talent, as a rule,
That we can bear
To waste its sweetness on provincial air.
You've built at Maybury an actor's college,
And paved it, probably, with good intentions.
The act was noble; but, you must acknowledge,
The money for our poor old players' pensions
Might easily be made by better means
Than those improper Crystal Palace Scenes.


Similia Similibus Curantur.
AN Act has been passed by the Council at Simla declaring all the
railway employs to be public servants, and therefore, by the plenal
code, subject to severe penalties for taking bribes. A mean old screw
of our acquaintance says he wishes they would pass a Sim'lar Act in
England. ____
Thereby Hangs a Tail.
The Sheflield Telegraph contains a conspicuous advertisemc'n't an-
nouncing the sale of BUOADIUFAD'S carte at a shilling. We would give
twenty times the money to see hiin whipt at its tail.

Irish News.
WE see it reported that recently the usual celebrations com-
memorating the raising of the siego of Derry were held, and in a
fitting and I-ibernian manner-by the singing of Derry Down !"

M. ADOLPHE BEAU has just published the first part of the Court
Album. Of course it contains portraits of members of the 13EAU m lnde
Q. E. D.
PEOPLE seem surprised at the recent Fenian outrages. But, con-
sidering the numbers of Centres and Circles, it is only natural their
conduct should sometimes be out-radius.

Backwards or Forwards.
A CORRESPONDENT, who is, he says, a little backward, fels shy about
asking for his Fun. He can ask for it a little backward anl he will
still be all right, for he will get A-NUF for his money either way !

When Found, Make a 500 Note of.
THE escaped Fenians KELLY and DEASY.


48F U N [OTOBEu 12, 1867.

Eaton Ek.
SUST now the Fenian conspiracy
is becoming a real danger-
but only in as far as it places'
deadly weapons in the hands
of the ignorant and brutal, and
renders it possible that any of
us may at any moment be shot
down by a ruffian who fixes
a quarrel on us. The authorities
S- have a difficult task before
them; they must punish
S promptly and severely, but they
must be careful not to seem
dealing in the penalties which
Panic pronounces. As regards
/ Sthe Manchester ease, there can
be no difficulty, however, as
= regards the principal culprit.
ALLEN shot down a policeman,
-J _-: who was simply doing his
duty; and whether he shot him
to liberate COLONEL KELLY
or simple BILL SviKEs, hanged he must be for a cowardly murderer.
And although I think; all should be sentenced to death, the punish-
ment might be commuted to penal servitude in the cases of those not
proved to have been seen armed with revolvers.
The War Office has already opened its campaign of blunders in
connection with the Abyssinian expedition. Four officers have been:
sent to Constantinople to purchase mules-they might as well have
gone to the Eddystone Lighthouse for an elephant! This is the first
time the Department has been called upon to do any work of this sort
since it was supposed to be entirely re-organised and reformed after
the Crimean war. At present the bungling is only comical, but when
the campaign commences, it is to be feared it will assume its old tragic
aspect. I verily believe that we should save money as well as prestige
if we got our Public Office work done by private enterprise on com-
mission. Meanwhile, the mild clerk who sent those officers out on
the fool's-or mule's-errand is doubtless saying, "Bless my soul! I
was under the impression-Ah!" while his fellow-clerks chaff him,
and the authorities pen a minute about him, which he need not read
unless he likes.
The Cornh/ill this month is welcome for its charming drawings by
WALKER-now, alas, far too seldom met with on the wood. Miss
EDWARDS'S picture is charming, and the number, on the whole, less
ponderous than usual. "Our Rosalinds" will, I fear, scarcely per-
suade the public to the belief its writer holds of Mas. ScoTT-SIDDONS'S
powers. The new magazine, St. Paul's, is very unattractive quoad
wrapper, but the contents seem good, of the Cornhill class. Belgravia
is good, though some of the pictures are very poor-" Lusignan" is a
clever Doresque bit, though. C. S. C. (the initials are well enough
known to be those of MR. CALVERLEi) contributes some smart vers de
society; MR. TnoiNBUoY, MR. SALA, and MR. MosRTIMER COLLINS are
pleasant reading. MR. SCOFFERN'S "Memoir of Faraday" is inferior.
Apropos of the mags., I see that Cassell's announces a new novel with
a very telling title-" Poor Humanity."
I am sorry to see the name of MESSRS. METZLER AND Co. to a
collection of comic songs, of the most worthless Music Hall style, and
called (no, I shall not advertise her gratis) "Miss 's Comic
Song Book." I believe the respectable publishers I name were not aware
of the improper practices resorted to in the book. In the first place, a
puffing preface is signed G. A. S with the obvious intention of leading
people to suppose it is by a well-known writer. In the second place,
several pages are devoted to quotations of the opinions of the press on
the singer-and if MR. HOLLINGSHEAD wants anything to give dramatic
criticisms a knock-down blow, I commend these pages to him. Among
these notices appears the following : -
IIALr. BY ThE SEA, tMARGATE.-If Mademoiselle -- wishes to cultivate a
fascinating style of singing, she should imitate .... Miss --."--F.
This contains two misrepresentations. First of all, by heading the
paragraph "Hall by the Sea," as the others are headed "Weston's,"
&c., it implies that Miss has sung at the Hall, which she
has not. And finally, the sentence quoted in a garbled form originally
ran, "should imitate MAtDAtME LEAMENS SHERRINGToN rather than
Miss -- ." If this way of getting a favourable criticism is
honest, I should like to know what is dishonest. I am not an opponent
of the Music Hall, which I believe to be capable of good; but the
sooner it gets rid of that awful thing, "the Comic Songstress," the
better for it and the sex.

No. 31.
ENGLIsH-born and English-bred:
Raise them from their lowly bed
Bare-oh, bare the supple knife;
Yet, if wise, you'll spare the life
If you love them truly, you
Will lament they are so few.

If you wish to acquiesce
This will do instead of yes."
This means acquiescence too -
This instead of "yes" will do.
Now female novelists prevail,
And give us many a harrowing tale :
From Dennis Donne" and Biras of Prey,"
How pleasant 'tis to turn away,
To "Felix Holt" and "Adam Bede"-
They're works of intellect indeed:
Creations of George Eliot's brain
We read again-and yet again;
This character is one of those
The world to that great writer owes.
If you find a dead body the course to pursue with it
Is to call for an inquest-and then this you do with it.
He came and shook his head
And very wisely said,
It was staggers and the case was so extreme
That the only proper course
If you wished to save the horse
Was to bleed it-and at once produced a fleam;
I live in it-you live in it-
All return, alack, to it;
We tread it under foot each minute,
But origin trace back to it!

AxswEx TO AcRoSTIC No. 29.
P Puff F
A Amo 0
Y Youthful L
N Nail L
E Eastry Y
Sixty-Eight; Happy Isle; Ruby; Trotty F., Sebrach ; Fanny B.; For John C.";
Be I ; Cigarette; Uyterlimmage; Dignall; Sparkie; Four Brokers; K. P.; Boxley;
Breakside and H.; F. H.; J. D. P.; Old Trafford; Two B. C.; V. J. R.; Chumpkin;
A. A.; Tosh; Painfully; M. B. P.; !Betsy H.; Valentine .Tiny Ditton; D.M. Y.;
Palo' Mine; Timber; Mike; S. and K.; Bunnie P.; C. N. WV.; Dot; The Don;
Coombes; Erin go Bragh; Brummagem B.; Little B.; Doodies; N. N. N.; Varmey
the V.; Elton; Canterbury; Hedgehog; W. E. W.; E. M. H.j Nemo; Gwallia;
A Clever Boy; A 'Cute Youth; Froggy; Cecil; Neptune 22; D. E. H.; Nobody's
Child: Engineers Out of Work; Holdfast; W. H. T Epton; Gyp Amicus;
2 Moretin Owls; Fanny; WV. A. W.; B.; Scantine; A I little D.; Anna L.; Ixion;
Chang; Jowhit; Bowa; J. R. W. L.; E. S. K.; Edge.y It. 0. Y.; T. M. H.;
Scarle; A. G.; E. L. 0.; Keg Meg ; A Dark-Eyed Hussy; Effigy; Bondellis B. B.;
Emma's H.; Stockenstrasse; Mrs. M.'s Twins; J. E. A.; F. A.; Due Foscari;
HookeyW.; Long J.; C. M. S.; F. WV.; Polar; Knurr and Spell; Little Woman;
O. K.; Blinkbonny; A. J. R.; H. T.; Joyful Bufums; Darling Fluffy; Lolliquer
L; Two Clapham Contortionists; Philofun.

Readers-and Readers
LOOKING over the daily an.- weekly journals, a sub-editor of our
acquaintance was led to remark that, whatever tneir circulation might
be, they most of them were in dire need of one reader more-the
printer's reader!

Right He Was I!
AN old Indian officer, on hearing that European as well as native
troops would be employed in the Abyssinian expedition, exclaimed,
" 0, si Sikh omiia !"
In Triple Acrostics three words have to be discovered .the second being shown
by the middle letters of the words, whose initials and finals show the first and third.

F U N.-OrofER 12, 1867.

E C- W

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If W,-

I I 'll'IT



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N "AlIA,

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OCTOBER 12, 1867.] IF UJN 53


HAT!" I says to BROWN,
"go off to 'Merryker the
same as that fellow MAN-
DERs, in the middle of the
night, in debt down to the
-. milkman, as were over
.~- three pounds, and him
With a sick wife and seven
infants ; as is a country
S -1 I don't 'old with, where
N. they're all a-runnin'
about in nothing but
-Z-,- beads and a few feathers,
S,- as ain't common decent;
a-yellin' of their war
S'oops, and fourishin'about
P 41 H ; their Tommy 'awks, as is
S) certain death, as I well
remembers that picture' of
IiT T4 one myself, as did used to
I'ang over the dinin'-room
mantelpiece in my fust
place, a-soettin' on 'is
'aunches a-watchin' the
dyin' agonies of GENERAL
S WOLFE, no doubt a-wait-
in' to dewour 'im afore
he breath were out of 'is body, like a ragin' wultur', and a savage
beast as killed CAPTING Coosi when 'is back were turned, as is a
cowardly act, and would have done for RoetI'SON CRUSOE, all but for
FRIDAY; but what can you expect from a' uninabited island P as it
wasn't no better than when fust discovered, long afore steam were in-
vented, as is a long time to look forurd to, but nothing when it's gone,
as is only a wapour arter all." So BreowN, he says, "Do 'old your
clack, for I'm blest if you won't drive me into the Diworce Court, or
Bedlam, or somewheres" "Well," I says, "MR. BRowN, there's
your betters as 'ave come to Bedlam through inflictions as is calamaties
a-overtakin' 'em, but as to the Diworce Court, never, for I scorns your
words, as 'ave never laboured under no sich amputations as could bring
a blush in a' 'onest woman's cheek ;" and I was that 'urt as I walked
out of the room in a 'uff, with my feeling's 'urt, and didn't see nothing
more on 'im till supper; as when it were over, he says to me, I
wasn't a-jokin' about 'Merryker, as I'm a-goin' to." So I says
nothing, but I bu'sts into tears. He says, "Hallo What's up with
you ?" So I says, "BRuowN, I've got a 'art and not a stone in my
bussim, as can't think of being' deserted in the evening' of my days, and
left behind the same as that wagabone TITTrrTON as left 'er with
eight." Well," says BaowN, any'ow, I can't leave you with eight,
old gal." I says, "BaowN, it's 'ard to jest when the 'art's
He says, I 'adn't no thoughts of leaving' you behind, old gal, if
you've the pluck to come." Well," I says, "I did 'ope to 'ave died
in a Christshin country, and been berried in my own natural symmetry,
as the saying' is; but," I says, if you're a-goin' over there I'll fuller,
if it's to death's door, as the saying' is." Well," he says, "I thought
as you'd come, if it was only to see JOE." What!" I says, Are
you a-goin' near him? Then I'll go too."
"Well," he says, "there's the sea to be thought on, as is a trial,
partic'ler at your age." Well," I says, as to age, I'm younger
than a many as 'ave gone, for look at Mrs. WHEELER, as were over
eighty, and went regular to Margate every year." "Ah!" he says,
"you don't know what the sea is." I says, "Don't I, the'?" as
certainly is not a life I should ever 'ave took to, tho' females 'as been
known to go for sailors, but in general thro' disappointed love, the
same as that young gal in William Taylor,' as must have looked
werry foolish when discovered by the Capting afore all the crew."
So BRowN he says, Well, you may go for a sailor if you like, but
I don't think as it would suit you." I says, "None of your jeers, but
do talk serious," and so he did, and if he wasn't a-goin' to start that
wenry Saturday next as were a-comin', and me not a thing ready, and
here was Saturday night. 'Owever I did got ready I don't know, but
ready I was by that Friday, as put MRS. CHALLIN out, me a-startin'
on a Friday, as I says Rubbish! and off we goes to Liverpool.
It certingly did give me a turn when we was being' took aboard the
steamer in a little one as were that crowded it's a mercy we didn't go
far in it or upset we should 'ave been. When we got aboard the big
steamer it certainly were wonderful for size, and I says to BiLow'N as I
didn't believe as she could be moved; but law bless you! the 1 ell
rung, and we was off like nothing ; and when the parties aboard the

little steamer, as 'ad come to see us off, begun a-wavin' their 'ats and
cheering I did feel a little choky, a-thinkin' as I was a-boin' committed
to the deep, as the sayin' is.
It's all werry well for to call 'em "state rooms where you sleeps,
for a nice state the one was in as I were a-goin' to 'ave, and BROWN
he'd been and give up 'is bed-place to a woman, for lady I won't call 'or,
thro' 'er behaviour, as were regular low-life, for I'd been and took the
underneath bed, as is one atop of another like shelves, and that narror
as turn you can't, not to save your life; and while my back was turned
if that creature didn't get into my bed, and when I wont down agin
was a-snorin' like a 'og. So I says, Mum, you'll excuse me, but this
is my bed." "Oh! she says, I'm that awful bad I can't be moved."
So I calls the stewardess, as says, P'raps, Mum, you wouldn't mind
a-takin' the upper berth." I says, Me climb up there! I says,
"Never "Law," she says, it's nothing for a springy bigger like
Well, the wessel were a-beginnin'. to roll, and the way as I
were pitched about in that cabin, a-comin' sich cracks agin the sides
on it, so I turned that giddy as I says, "Get to bed 1 must! but law,
the work it were to get me into that place, as I says, You may well
call it a berth, as '11 be the death of me! and so I thought it would,
for many a day (BIOWN, he couldn't como for to soo me, thro' that
party as were underneath a-sayin' she were a single woman, and
couldn't be seen by no he creeturs), and I don't think as over I did
pass sich a five days, a-takin' next to nothing, and should 'ave perished
but for that stewardess, as were a mother to me, and don't think, if
she hadn't persuaded me, I ever should 'ave come to light agin, as L
did at last, tho' I must say, when I got on deck and soo nothing but a
world of waters, it give me a dreadful turn, and a lot of passengers
a-walkin' about, and some a-sittin' on chairs, and me that bigger, for
in my 'urry to get out of that cabin I'd been and forgot to put on
my 'air.
I must say the meals is wonderful regular, and that plentiful as
five times a day is too many for me, the' parties says as you require it
at sea, but don't seem natural to me. 'Owover they can wash the
things up I can't think, tho' in course 'avin' the ocean that 'andy is a
be continued in our next.)

You are waiting for copy of mine,"
So you write, MR. EDITOc -pish I you
Must know that I can't write a line
When I've got such a horrid-a-tischew !
Though you know I am suffering so,
Yet you'd drive me, you cold-blooded fish, you,
To write-but I'd have you to know
I consider your conduot-a-tischew
So no copy from me will you get,
Though the want of it thoroughly dish you;-
'Tis useless to fume and to fret,
I don't care a singlo-a-tischew !
Such a cold as I have in my head
'Twould be really cruel to wish you:-
So I won't be a brute, but, instead,
I will wish you-a-tischew-A-TISCIIEW 1

Literary Note.
A NEW organ of Irish opinions has been started in London, under
the title of the Gaol. Well! we know Pat is not avoiso from a
breeze," so it may blow the proprietors some good.

IT may interest our country readers to learn that Holborn has
recently been partially gutted-in fact, has lost its Row.

Musical and Legal.
THE gentlemen of the legal profession are not, we believe, very much
given to vocal or instrumental composition, but we suppose that wore
a lawyer to compose a piece," lihe would write it in 6-8 time.

A Query for Mr. Halli-well.
SRHAsr'rEA.E says, All's well that ends well." Must we not con-
sider Hun-well and Bride-well exceptions to this rule ?


[OCTOBER 12, 1867.

1{je first Nord's Paugite.

TAR but poorly prized
Long, shambling, and unsightly,
l Thrashed, bullied, and despised,
Was wretched JOE GOLIGHTLY.
He bore a workhouse brand,
The Beadle found him, and
The Board of Guardians named
-I P'raps some princess's son-
A beggar p'raps his mother!
-He rather thought the one,
I rather think the other.
He liked his ship at sea,
He loved the salt sea-water;
He woi shipped junk, and he
Adored the First Lord's daugh-
The First Lord's daughter proud,
Snubbed earls and viscount's
She sneered at barts aloud,
And spurned poor JOE Go-
Where'er he sailed afar
Upon a Channel cruise, he
Unpacked his light guitar
And sang this ballad (Boosey).

Wbc moon is o fl i stot,
Ic toinb bluobs tofiarbs thl ler,
out tfoinag 3 sigh sub sob mtob ag,
To Y'abn fnr for me,

Ie sags, 'CZlre follt quit,
Iiolob 1I
for me to tEob a bright,
0lljosc lot is ast before tly mast:"
iub possible sic's right,
He gave him many a rating,
And almost lost his voice
From thus expostulating:
"Lay out, you lubber, do !
What's come to that young man, Jon?
Belay!-'vast heaving! you!
Do kindly stop that banjo !"
"I wish, I do-oh, lor !
You'd shipped aboard a trader:
Are you a sailor, or
A negro serenader "
But still the stricken cad,
Aloft or on his pillow,
Howled forth in accents sad
His aggravating Willow !"
Ster love of duty had
Been JoyEn's chiefest beauty-
Says he, I love that lad, -
But duty, damme! duty "

"Twelve years blackhole, I say,
Where daylight never flashes;
And always twice a day
Five hundred thousand lashes !"
But JosEPH had a mate,
A sailor stout and lusty,
A man of low estate,
But singularly trusty.

Says he, "Cheer hup, young JOE !
I'll tell you what I'm arter,
To that Fust Lord I'll go
And ax him for his darter.
"To that Fust Lord I'll go
And say you love her dearly."
And JOE said (weeping low),
"I wish you would, sincerely!"
That sailor to that Lord
Went, soon as he had landed,
And of his own accord
An interview demanded.
Says he, with seaman's roll,
"My Captain wot'ss a Tartar),
Guy JOE twelve years' black hole,
For levering your darter.
" He loves Miss LADY JANE
(I own she is his betters),
But if you'll jine them twain,
They'll free him from his fetters.
"And if so be as how
You'll let her come a-boardship,
I'll take her with me now "-
Get out!" remarked his Lordship.

That honest tar repaired
To Jon, upon the billow,
And told him how he'd fared:
JOE only whispered, Willow!"
And for that dreadful crime
(Young sailors learn to shun it)
He's working out his time:
In ten years he'll have done it.

OCTOBER 12, 1867.]

F UN. 5

I AM sickened of boulders and beauty
Of streamlets that shimmer and bend;
I have done my delights as a duty,
And fought like a fiend with a friend.
Wet, weary, and wayworn with walking
O'er plains full of puddles and pools,
I have tired out ten tongues trying talking
The folly that's fed on by fools.
I have dawdled in dens full of danger,
And risen to rocks like a roe;
I have argued an angel to anger,
And taken a tourist in tow.
They may talk of Cathay and its cycle,
Where laureate lovers have been;
I have sat in the chair of ST. MICHAEL,
And drunk of the well of ST. KEYNE.
I have dined like a duke and a dustman,
And fed on red mullets and hake ;
If tinless you travel you must, man,
The foibles of fashion forsake.
Don't you know, tho' the proverb is musty,
When in Rome you must live as in Rome;
And, between you and me, I've been crusty,
But now I am happy at home.
Hurrah! for the glare and the glitter,
And gaudiness gilded in gas;
Hurrah! for the blessings of bitter,
Its brightness in beakers of BASS!
Hurrah! for the roar'and the rattle
I had left for the lull of the land;
I would barter contentment and cattle
For the scream and the song of the Strand !
My brains must be beaten to bear it,
Though the pace may be killing at last;
I am longing for gossip to tear it,
And a fiftieth visit to Caste.
Never caring who bates or adores me,
I can mingle the up with the down ";
In the country there's plenty that bores me,
I can live when I'm tied to the town.

THE real home brew'd-The Family Circle.

Mr. Shallowbrhie :-"I DON'T WANT TO UtNDERI'AY voV, MY MAN !-WHAT

The Latest Mag.
A FRIEND, on seeing the title of Ma. TROLLOrE'S new magazine, St.
Paul's, said that it would be better to call it Ball and Gross, as Ma.
T.'s novels always turn on Society and the Clergy.

A Shameful Act.
AN incendiary has maliciously set fire to the national school-house
of Trainboy, near Raphoe, in the county of Donegal. Surely, if a
school be needed anywhere, it must be at Train-boy!

Berry Likely!
AN Italian poet has, we are informed, written a poem of 900 lines on
strawberries. We should not like to give berry much for what is not,
perhaps, worth a straw.

The Health of London.
THE cabmen say that after the first of November there will be a
considerable reduction in the diseases of London, as the new Metro-
politan Act will on that day abolish the tizzy-c they have been so long
afflicted with.

An Elaborate One.
WeHY are the two children of parents who frequently visit their off-
spring like children without father or mother ?-Because they see them
orphan and orphan.

Step It!
DAxCING, in connection with comic singing, is so alarmingly on the
increase in the theatres and music-halls, that it will soon become
necessary to insert the proviso in the programmes--' Wind permitting."

Snttotv to 6o tfrspanbntts.

[EWe cannot return rejected .M8S. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica-
ons with illegible signatures or monograms.]
H. C. (Sheffield) writes:-" I am constantly travelling, and have a
little joke to lay before you, which is, being at Manchester a few days ago,
seeing a lot of bricklayers at work in thin jackets. A new jacket is proposed
to be made for the poor workmen for the ensuing winter." We really can't
see the joke. Perhaps H. C. is concealing a strait waistcoat under his
jacket. The joke seems less cracked than he does.
X, 42.-Forte tu ex-in dog Latin.
A. B. (Lee) should show more A-B-Lee-T, if desircus of appearing in
our columns.
A. LONGFELLOW must be cut short.
The author of "A Dry Joke wants us to insert it to give a chap a
little encouragement." Hle doesn't want encouragement. "A chap" who
has sufficient courage to put fellow" as a rhyme for umbrella," is above
HIRAM (Birmingbam).-We're sorry, Hiram, we don't admire 'em-a
rhyme almost as bad as the sketches.
W. J. M. (WVare.)-Our answer has appeared already, if your signature
was legible.
Declined with thanks:-R. M., Bristol; C. H., Nelson-equare; Tizim,
Liverpool; H. W., Worcester; Cornelius Crab; E. M., Ituncorn ; B. B.,
Beresford-street; R. D. N., Newcastle; T. C., Arlington-square; Mrs. P.,
Hyde Park; W. H., Fenchurch-street; J. N., Manchester; T. D., Pock-
ham; W. W. ; W. G.; Ot-in-Tot; F. H. L, North Brixton; T. H.,
Nazan; "Labor Omnia Vincit ;" T. B., Poultry; B. H., Bedford; Coward;
G. It., Camrden-Equ're; F. H., Manchester; Cantab, Wimbledon; Simple
Simon; D. AM., Glasgow; J. W., Newcastle; J. C., I'raed-street; AMinus;
A. B. C. D. E. K., Crcstal Palace; BoolAs ; J. II., Iaastigs; Lorenzo
Honey; A. H., Donnington; T. D., Peckham ; T. 0., ClIphamn ; E. C.;
G. S. ; CGnatant Reader.


[OCTOBER 12, 1867.


4 -...

Miss Bertha Green to Miss Peplum Brown.
MY DEAREST PEPrPY,-I went: and how shall I ever be able to tell
you all about it ? I quite dread to-morrow, for I can't get it all out of
my head, the lights, and the music, and the flowers, and the chandeliers
-it was like ALADDIN'S cave after he'd rubbed the lamp, you know,
dear, except that it's all gas, and wherever you went there was a
looking-glass, and whenever you looked in it there was a blaze like
millions of Koh-i-noors; and ices all the evening-at least I had,
though whether he paid for them or not I don't know. For of course
I went with him, dear. We managed it so nicely, or I never should
have been allowed to leave the house. They all thought I was going to
the Oratorio, and as they don't read the supplement to the Times, they
didn't know that that was the next night, so I went to AUNT PIDGER'S
at Camden Town, and she knows I'm engaged to CHARIES, and thinks
him a very seriously disposed young man. She was quite agreeable to
our going to the Oratorio, poor old dear, and went off to bed quite
comfortable, leaving the girl to sit up for me till half-past eleven.
CHARLEs arranged all that, and it was a quarter past four when I
slipt into bed with oh! such a head-ache, and all my best dress torn
out of the gathers because a stupid cavalry officer-at least he was
dressed like one-would dance in spurs. I shall want a new breadth
to put into the skirt, for I was completely trampled upon by a crowd
that stood round to see a sheriff, a vice-admiral, a citizen of honour
and renown like JOHN GILPIN, and the LoaD MAYOR himself dance a
quadrille. Oh, it was such fun, especially the vice-admiral. You
should have seen him steer his partner about in ladies chain, and then
when, as CHARLES said, he got headway, he completely bore down
upon the LosD MAYOR. His Lordship himself was the greatest fun of
all, though, for he was dressed in a Court suit, quite tight-I mean the
suit was, you know, dear, and with black what-do-you-calls and silk
stockings; and when he stood with his arm akimbo on the raised dais,
he looked as though he didn't know whether he was a member of the
Royal Family, or part of an acting charade or a waxwork. I fancy,
do you know, that he'd studied the figure of WASHINGTOvN at MADAME
TUEBAUD's, and got up his deportment on that model; but wasn't it
good-natured of the old dear to come in state-at least I suppose it

was in state, though I should have thought 'the sword-bearer would
have been with him. It would have been great fun to have seen him
dancing in uniform, though I don't think it could have been much
more ridiculous than some of the ladies, and a good deal more modest !
For I declare dear, I was quite ashamed of some of them, they were so
very dicolletle, and I made CHARLES take me away to have some
supper. Oh, such a great supper-room, where they had laid out a
splendid supper for goodness knows how many people-thousands, I
should think, and there were so very few people to eat it, that we
had every luxury, dear, I assure you, and CHARLES went and spoke
to MR. HAND himself about some grouse and iced champagne.
I think I wanted my supper, for I didn't mind the shameful im-
propriety of the persons who dressed in that way so much afterwards,
but still, how they can do so is astounding to me. I thought it would
be crowded; but it was very select, or else of course the LonRD MAYOR
would not have come in state. I was surprised to see so few uniforms
there, but some of them were so very pretty. CHARLES wore his; but
ho had the collar turned back and lined with green moire, and wore a
white necktie and a turn-over collar with his tunic. It was such a
contrast to see the bright scarlet coats round the Loan MAYOR, and
there was such an immense alderman on the dais that I wonder the
MESSRS. DEFRIrs didn't light him up so that we might see him all at
once, for nothing seems too big for them to light, and no place too
ugly for them to make pretty. I couldn't believe that it was the
same place where we went to the cattle show, and now it's all over,
and the lovely flowers are to be taken down, and the chandelier will
be sold, and I must never whisper a word about the ball till I'm
married. It's to be in April, dear.-Yours till then, B. GREEN.

Police Intelligence.
IT has been observed that the detective force of the country, for the
past ten days, has been looking very lack-a-DEASY-KELLY.
How is the rough" most frequently disguised ?-In liquor.

NOTICE-Now ready, the Twelfth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; pest free, 5s. Cases for binding, is. 6d. each.



OCTOBER 19, 1867.] F U' 57



AIIST while the poet trolls
& Who had a cure of souls
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.
He lived on curds and whey,
And daily sung their praises,
And then he'd go and play
With buttercups and daisies.
Wild croquet HOOPER banned,
And all the sports of Mammon,
He warred with cribbage, and
He exorcised backgammon.
His helmet was a glance
f ~That spoke of holy gladness;
S A saintly smile his lance,
His shield a tear of sadness.
His Vicar smiled to see
This armour on him buckled:
With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled.
"In mildness to abound
My curate's sole design is,
In all the country round
There's none so mild as mine is! "
And HOOPER, disinclined
His trumpet to be blowing,
Yet didn't think you'd find
A milder curate going.
A friend arrived one day
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper,
And in this shameful way
He spoke to MR. HOOPER :
" You think your famous name
For mildness can't be shaken,
That none can blot your fame-
But, HooPER, you're mistaken!
"Your mind is not as blank
Who holds a curate's rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
" Ze plays the airy flute,
And looks depressed and blighted,
Doves round about him toot,'
And lambkins dance delighted.

"He labours more than you
At worsted work, and frames it;
In old maids' albums, too,
Sticks seaweed-yes, and names it!"
The tempter said his say,
Which pierced him like a needle-
He summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle.
These men were men who could
Hold liberal opinions :
On Sunday they were good-
On week-days they were Minions.


"To Ionr,.Y PORTER go,
Your fare I will afford you-
Deal him a deadly blow
And blessings shall reward you.
"But stay-I do not like
Undue assassination,
And so, before you strike,
Make this communication:
"I'll give him this one chance-
If he'll more gaily bear him,
Play croquet, smoke, and dance,
I willingly will spare him."
They went, those Minions two,
To Assesmilk-cum- Worter,
And told their errand to



"What ?" said that reverend gent,
Dance through my hours of leisure ?
Smoke ?-bathe myself with scent ?-
Play croquet ? Oh, with pleasure! "
"Wear all my hair in curl ?
Stand at my door, and wink-so-
At every passing girl ?
My brothers, I should think so !"

"For years I've longed for some
Excuse for this revulsion:
Now that excuse has come-
I do it on compulsion!!! "
He smoked and winked away-
The deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
And HOOPER holds his ground,
In mildness daily growing-
They think him, all around,
The mildest curate going.

tb' U N [OooBrn 19, 1867.


(Aim, Allan-a-Dale.)
BABINGTON WHITE has no thought of up-turning;
BABINGTON WRITE for renown has no yearning;
BABIuGTON WHITE has no gift for plot-spinning;
But BABINGTON WHITE likes red gold for the winning!
Come read ye the novel; come list to the bite ;
And tell me the craft of bold BABINGTON WHITE.
Oh, the authors of England may prance in their pride
If of copyright treaties they keep the safe side;
Oh, French plays for the net-and French fictions for
And "new and original," too, just the same.
Oh, the dramas arfd stories that foreigners write
Are free prey for Tom TAYLOR and BABINGTON WHITE.
BABINGTON WHITE, oh, he shuns human ken,
Though his copy is plenty, and cursive his pen;
BABINGTON WHITE he is not DudMAs pre,
But many French authors must write him their share,
And the best of them, BALZAC, must aid to indite
The chefd'ceuvre inconnu of our BABINGTON WHITE.
BABINGTON WHITE to reviewing has come;
The Pall Mall has taxed him with theft-he is dumb.
" You may call me a pirate," says he, "if you will;
My line is to keep very dark and be still."
Oh, the critics they asked of the author a sight,
"Don't you wish you may get it '" said BABINGTOI
From FEUILLET to steal, and from BALZAC to bone,
Is rather too strong when the debt you don't own!
But vain altogether the hue and the cry,
He laughs and refers to the green in his eye.
But the public still asks, though in accents polite,
" When the truth will be known about BAwINATON

A la Carte:!
A sPEc:AL department of the police-office at Moscow
is to be established for the collection of photographs cf
individuals and objects useful to the officers of the law
in pursuit of criminals. The Russians have taken the
hint from our police van and are about to establish a
police carte.

Cotcn Z3Jh.
SoME people are never satisfied. MIR. ERNEST JONES seems to be one
of that class. At the commencement of the Fenian trials at Man-
chester lie talked a lot of perilous bunkum, tried to interfere with the
course of justice and bully the bench, and then with a final bluster
threw up his brief, to the damage of the clients who had trusted their
case to him-the damage being not the withdrawal of his advocacy,
but the leaving of them without any advocacy at a'l, be it understood.
For all this he was let off more leniently than he deserved by the
press. But he wasn't happy even then; so he wrote what I dare say
he thought a dignified letter to the Telegraph the other day, "drawing
attention to the fact that pris ners," &c., &c., &c.-as if his own absurd
conduct had not attracted attention enough to the matter. However,
only one writer condescended to notice the epistle. I am opposed to
Trades' Unionism, and to that form of it which was described in
Cassell's Maifazine the other day as Professional Trades' Unionism;
but I think it is to be regretted that the rules of the Bar cannot visit
with censure such a freak as that of Ma. JONES at Manchester-a freak
that I can only explain by supposing that he fancied a bit of claptrap
was not a bad line of policy with a view to standing for somewhere
under the now Reform Bill. I hope and believe that he will prove to
be mistaken if this is his idea, and that the new electors will not be so
easily led.
The Middlesex Sessions have begun again, and I regret to see that
"JIDnE PAYNE," as he is styled (just as people used to talk of the
Chief Baron" of the Coal lole), is still allowed to dispense justice. I
fancied the AUGUSTA M1IIcrELL case would be the "tailpiece"-to
borrow one of his own terms-of his active judicial career.
The British Clerk has been making himself heard this recess. He
proclaims with the tongues of a Hydra that he wants a good dinner at

the smallest possible outlay. Well, he is undoubtedly right. He
ought to be able to get a sufficiency of food, good and well cooked,
for about half what he gives now. To judge from the success of cheap
eating-houses in Glasgow and elsewhere, he might be fed at about eight-
pence a head, not including the potables. Unluckily, however-as it
seems to me-both he and his purveyor want too much for their money.
Purveyor wishes to deal in that politico-economical virtue, but socially
detestable crime-the buying of his meat in the cheapest (and nastiest)
market, and the selling of it at the dearest rate. On the other hand,
Clerk wants to be more than fed for fivepence-he would like clean
table-napkins, an immaculate cloth, a toothpick, and silver folks for
his money. Of courn.e there is a rush for the popular remedy
of the day. Some years ago, the popular panacea was brandy
and salt. A short time since it was chlorodyne. Now it i.i co-
operation, and a Co-operative Clerks' Dining-room is the proposed
heal-all. It remains to be seen whether C6'ricus Britannwicus is a
gregarious bird. I think not! The Duke of Blankshire will join a
company in which over so many plain Blanks, Esquires, are share-
holders; but whether Clericu with 120 per ann. will consent to cut
his tablecloth to suit the measure of Ciericus with 50 is a matter of
Parliament, it is rumoured, will assemble early in November. Well,
it has plenty to do, so the sooner it meets the better. At present town
continues empty, and the now lamps in Hydo-park can throw no light
upon anything or anybody.
Railways and railway literature have an interest for everybody now,
and accordingly I found myself the other day reading the directors'
report on a certain branch in connection with the Great Eastern. I
haveseldom met with o amusing, so lugubrious, so candida publication.
"Your directors regret to announce that they have little of a cheering
nature to lay before the present mec ting"-and then they unfold a
horrible talo," disclosing how the unsatisfactory position of the
Great Eastern has kept the branch's traffic in nearly a stationary

OCTOBER 19, 1867.] 'F 1U 1N .

position. Poor thing, fancy the anomaly of a stationary tragic! The next
bit of comfort is that early five hundred and fifty pounds must be got
somehow to pay the G. E. Co. ; that the branch company, having been
pressed by creditors, has had a receiver appointed, and that the deben-
ture interest has not been met-" a circumstance which the directors
very much regret!" The remedy proposed is to try to induce the
G. E. Co. to "better develop" the traffic-the returns of which
cheeringly show an improvement in the last month or so. Finally, the
company has spent nothing for the past half-year-chiefly, it is just
possible, because it is "now totally without funds; the capital account,
therefore, remains with very little variation since last report "-with the
variation only of zero, that is, I suppose. Such a document is enough
to sicken people of railway speculation.
To clear off the mags. :-London Society has some very good pictures
this month-but with some very poor ones to keep up the average.
" Thumbnail Studies" are good, but want better printing. One of the
best of the small engravings is that to Mit. FELIx in the Stubble,"
by MR. GODDARD, who should put his initials plainly to his work, lest
G, B., who tries to draw similar subjects, should get the credit of it.
Good Words is up to the mark this month, in literature and art.
Especially good is ZwsECKE's "Reindeer and Sledge," an admirable
bit of tint" engraving. Very charming, too, is the girls attitude in
PImWELL'S illustration to Guild Court." The Argosy comes without
a cut, and is scarcely as good as usual. Thereis-a smack of amateurish-
ness about some of the papers that I regret to see-as an instance, take
" Something About a Carousel," in which the writer says, "Merely
knocked the ring, causing the same to drop on the ground, and an
oath to drop from the equestrian's lips, if he happened to have that
weakness." What weakness ? Lips ? The Sunday Magazine com-
mences a new volume with great promise. An improved wrapper and
a greater number of illustrations are among some of the fresh features.
The Seaboard Parish" is charmingly illustrated. A papet on "The
Flight of Birds," by the Du'Kt'F AevGYLL, is most interesting, though
the style is a little jerky at times. "Musings in a Yorkshire Valley"
is in very bad taste as far as concerns the mention of the BiONTES, but
"goody" people don't consider taste a Christian grace, I fancy. "On
Fire about it," by the REV. W. ARNOT, is not, as might appear at
first sight, an article on AnXOT's stoves. The Gardener's Magazine
and Le Follet appeal to their respective publics as admirably as usual,
and 1Routledge's Magazine for Boys maintains its position as the best boys'
magazine published.
I have received a letter from MrEss. METZLER touching the Comic
Song Book I noticed last week. They wish me to state that they
knew nothing of its contents, and that their imprint appeared on it
without their consent. Altogether, the book appears to be one of the
most impudent things of the day.
I noticed some very charming verses in this month's Belgravia"withi
the signature C. S. C., and conjectured that they were by MR.
CALVERLEY. It was a bad shot, for they are the initials of a litteralur
of longer standing, MR. CHARLES SMITH CHELTNAM.

Something Like a Dedication!
SoME people are fortunate indeed, and if the dedication we quote
below means what it says, the Registrar-General ought to be as happy
as a king:-
Qt ritisi (e 'inpir-,
vcoamno esor osrr ai siranJ,
We don't know whether MaR. CoxE is related to KINO CorLE of Ken-
sington. If he is, we are less surprised at his regal munificence, for
our South Kensington sovereign has for a long time been accustomed

to do as he chooses with the national property.

To be Digested at Leisure.
ONE of those foolhardy freaks, in which people who ought to know
better will occasionally indulge, occurred the other evening. A gen-
tleman, before retiring to rest, had the imprudence to swallow a nightcap.
On inquiring at his residence we learn that he is as well as-indeed,
better than might have been expected.

No. 32.
Wiao wrote it's the question we all of us ask,
Though the author's been terribly taken to task.
Have savage reviewers been wasting their blame,
On a shadowy person with only a name ?
Though we own that it's shameful so often to trench
For our novels and plays on our neighbours the Frenoh,

Where the river flows,
'Mid the flow'ra and grasses,
With her scarlet hose
Emmelinda passes.
Something cones that way,
And on ferns and mossos,
It, alack-a-day,
Emmelinda tosses.
The fair Kumnot ND HocnswiL.rIm,
We read, had both learning and art,
And, better, she boasted some siller,
But still quite untouched was her heart.
A most egotistical lady
She was, though a beautiful miss,
And each lover's prospects were shady;
In German she chatter'd of this.
He holds a potent station,
In many a congregation.
Useful in nase of a Fenian uprising,
This of a Yankee's ingenious devising:
Very effective in case of a riot,
If the maninuders declined to boe quiet.
,-in'on the time that it pluckily gallop'd away,
There was ne'er a more wonderful sight:
And yet though it's dead, there uro wise men who say,
It was seen for some hours t'other night.

AxswER TO AcnorTIO NO. 30.
G Galignani I
E Eat T
N Nina A
E Earl L
R Riatori I
A Alma A
L Loan N
COnRRCT SOLTION'S op AceOSTTC No. 30, RncnsrD Oc rson, IaTr :-LaTura G.
Valentine; Merry Andrew; D. E.l.; Polar; Gyp; trow; Rtuby; Xalifa; Crathil ;
St. Leonard's ; eri; Penminer.

Boning an Appointment.
KEssxNc goes by favour, and even our civic dignitaries are not aboy-
copying the mild jobbery which used to be the chief charm of Governe
ment appointments. In old days it was not impossible for a chill to be
made a superannuated postman (and receive the pension of the office)
in his cradle, Some of the Common Council want to perpetrator some-
thing of the same sort. The respected keeper of Guildhall being
about to retire, his office should in all justice and propriety pass to his
second in command, Ma. HA.LA.ND, who ihas for the last eleven ypars
been practically the resident keeper in MR. TEMPLE'S absence. liut
the post (with the salary attached) has set the mouths of some of the
Council watering for it, and they are trying to carry it away from Ma.
HARLAND, and prevent his well-earned promotion, and the consequent
promotion of other officials under him. Fortunately, the standing
orders, which forbid a member of the Court to bhe a can lidlitt for one
of the Courts' offices, ought to disqualify the principal applir,ant. It
remains to be seen whether the Council will descend to the job, and by
evading the orders proclaim their adherence to the maxim, nil ni,i

Too Good to be True.
"IT'S an ill wind that blows nobody good." If we may credit an
informant, the wintry blasts we have lately experienced have nmade the
very teeth of the unfortunate inmates of the Dumb Asylurnm-,atter.


[OcioBER 19, 1867.


"HOLIDAY Fo WVORKHOUSE HonsE.-The Visiting Committee recommended
that the workhouse horse be sent to grass for six weeks. It appeared that not only
had the poor horse been overworked, but there was reason for believing it had been
deprived of its proper amount of food. The recommendation was adopted." Vide
Marylebone Mercury.
THE Visiting Committee kind
Have borne a quadruped in mind.
The animal had been o'erworked-
Had had, too, his allowance shirked.
The Visiting Committee vowed
Such doings should not be allowed,
And so six weeks of grass and gorse
They ordered for the Workhouse Horse
The Visiting Committee might
On other questions throw a light.
Who was it that kept back the feed
And starved the uncomplaining steed ?
Who was it overworked the nag,
And made his weary sinews flag ?
Let the Committee name the source
Of all the wrongs of Workhouse Horse!
For why? That man the same would do
By four-legged animals and two ;
Would deal short rations forth toke-
Think water'd skilly but a joke-
And extra hours at stones and oakum
Extort for skillium et tokum-
In short, adopt the self-same course
With pauper as with Workhouse Horse
Let the Committee then enforce-
(Public opinion will endorse)-
A punishment which shall divorce
From the official mind so coarse

The notion that the law allows
Old Bumble of the brazen brows
To drive and starve without remorse
The Pauper-and the Workhouse Horse

Rhyme-and Reason ?
THAT admirable paper, the Clerkenwell News, has relieved our mind
of a terrible weight. Taking a retrospect of the literature of the past
year, we were shocked to discover that nothing worthy of the name of
poetry had appeared in the last twelve months. We had just come to
the conclusion that the Muses had deserted England, when, happening
to take up our C. N., as we invariably do when we need some new and
thrilling sensation, we had our attention arrested, not to say forcibly
taken into custody, by this startling announcement:-
TO Lovers and others.-Verses (original), on any subject, composed and forwarded
by post on receipt of as many stamps as lines required.
Squibs and Trade Circulars at reasonable charges. Poeta," etc.
The true poet reveals himself in the first few words. How exhaustive
is the appeal "To Lovers and others! Of course, all who are not
"lovers are merely others." Long may they remain so! Long
may every votary of CUPID be able to say to the contemner of the
passion, "Sir, you are an-other And then how business-like,
and therefore poetical, is the plain Saxon promise of poems at a
penny-a-line. Squibs at reasonable charges, indeed! We don't know
what is the proper charge for exploding a squib; but we protest against
the use of the word squib to describe the coruscations of mind, the
iridescence of intellect, the gyrations of genius to which we look for-
ward when "Poeta" shall return us the quid pro quo for our six-
penn'orth of Qucxa's heads!

Not by Hook.
WE are in a position to state that in commemoration of the late
Pan-Anglican Sy-nod's-as-good-as-a-wink, the episcopal palace on the
banks of the Thames will in future be known as Crook-haven.



F UT N .-OCTOBER 19, 1867.


OCTOBER 19, 1867.] IF N 63

MRS. BROWN IN AME RI A. says, "Why ever did they let her flounder, as couldn't have knowed
'ow to swim proper." "Ah," he says, "it were a iceberg." I says,
How SHE CAME TO GO THERE. "Why not get oat of the way ?" He says, Bless you, they're as big
(Continued from our last.) as Great Britain, and is miles under water, and in a fog you're on 'em
in a instant."
1\ s s B 'AD no patience with While he was a-talkin', it were a-gettin' rather fo-ggy, as made me
S\ that party as 'ad feel queer for the instant; but he went on a-talkin' about all dangers
S. took my bed, for, of the sea till at last I says, "It's no use you're a-goin' on like that,
-'4' .'. t bless you, she'd eat for it won't keep off no dangers, and perhaps mako 'em worse, if they
S *' 'ot ducks and pickles should come." I should have been werry dull but for some of the
iV with onions and fried officers as were that pleasant through being' beknown to BRowN; and
S'am, to say nothing I must say as they made me a drink as did. more for to get over sea-
of fruit and wege- sickness than anything; and one or two of 'cm was sweet pretty
r- '1' '. tables, and all in 'or singers, and would sing of a night like the birds on the trees, though
berth; and when she 'ard work, through a thick fog with the whistle a-yellin' every
come on deck, want- min'it. I don't think as ever I were more glad for anything than
ed every one for to when they said as we should be in next day, though the missionary
l waiton'er. said as there was great risks; "But," he says, "my mind is
S'I ain't got nothing made up."
N*fi l" to say agin that "Well," I says, "I don't know nothing about your mind ; but your
(3A 'steamer in finewea- body's well provided with food let come what may;" for that man
their; and as to the downright gorged at every meal, and brought such lots of wittles to
c capting, he were con- his wife, a ugly-lookin' thing, that it's a wonder she wasn't sick oven
s tant smiles, and on dry land.
when I asked 'im if We hadn't been none on us worry sociable all the woyage, but the
there was any dan- last morning' we was all like brothers and sisters, and I'm sure lots was
gers, only said as he that civil, a-sayin' as they'd be proud for to see me in 'Mcrryker. It
4 was sure of fine certingly is a noble spot that 'Merryker, and the way as they brought
___ !weather with me that big steamer alongsidee the wharf was wonderful; but it was dread-
Saboard; but, bless ful work getting' ashore, and as I were a-goin' to 'urry down the
'is 'art, he were gangway, as they calls it, and if they didn't say to me, "Stand out of
wrong, for that the way for the males! I says, I always thought it were manners
:4! worry night it took to let ladies go fust; but never mind!" but they shoved me on one side,
.' to blown' like mad, and rushed ashore with a lot of bags as were the letters. I was that
and if that under- scrouged on that deck that I watched my opportunity, and tho' I was
neath woman didn't regular loaded with two bags and a bandbox, I made a rush for to get
'owl like a lunatic, down that plank, and some one come behind me with a large sack and
a-' a-sayin' as we should sent me a-flyin' down it, and if a man 'adn't ketched me I should 'ave
be blowed into hice pitched 'ead foremost on to 'Merryker, and a nice dirty place, too, with
and perish, or be coal dust over your ankles, and me dressed genteel for laudin' in a nice
-'i_ "^ =lost in a fog, as sure barege, a light blue with a pink stripe, and a white silk shawl as 'ad
enough it did come cleaned equal to new. I 'adn't 'ardly got on my feet when a party
--_ on werry thick, and stops me and says, "Don't come here-go back." So I did, but I says,
r5 they were a-blowin' Let me put down my parcels," and jest as I was a-speakin' I got a
,, ,- a whistle like mad blow from behind as sent me a-kneelin' on my bandbox and regular
nearly all night, as is fearful for to 'ear, and at last I couldn't squashed it. So I says "'Elp!" and if another thing didn't come
stand it no longer, so thought as I'd get out of bed and see what was slap on my back! Says a man, "What are you standing' 'ere for, jest
a-goin' on. I 'ung on as well as I could with my arms, a-kickin' in the way of the luggage ? and up he pulls me, and sure enough I
about my feet for to rest 'em on the side of the under bed. Well, was a-standin' at the bottom of a slidin' plank as they was a-slippin'
jest then the wessel give a lurch as sent me nearly a-flyin, but I 'eld everything down. I've felt 'eat in my time, thro' 'avin' often and
on and put my foot down with all my force as come agin something often stood a whole day ironin' in July, lot alone preservin', as is 'ot
soft as proved to be that woman's face as were a-layin' close agin the work ; but never did I feel anything like 'Merryker for 'eat,
hedge of the berth for fresh air. She give sich a shriek as made me and no wonder so many on 'em 'ave turned black, as must be reg'lar
let go, and sent me a-flyin' out of the door agin the stewardess as burnt up.
were a-comin' in to see what was up, as I took for some one else, and If I set one minit on a packin'-case, a-runnin' down with 'eat jest
in my fright oilerss Fire!" thro' 'avin' been told as it is safest to call, agin a steam-engine as were like a furnace to my back, I must 'ave
as brings every one to the spot, as p'raps "Murder" might keep set there two'ours a-waiting for BaowN, as come at last, and blowed
away. me up for bein' in such a 'urry to get ashore, as 'ad stopped and 'ad
It certingly did bring 'em all out of their berths in a jiffey, and you 'is lunch there in comfort, and me a-droppin' for sonimthink. I didn't
never see sich a sight, and the way as they made a downright thoro'fare see no '1Merrykins about, but only all English, as wre" worry perlite;
of me, as were laying in the passage, as were that narrer as pass they so I says to BaowN, "Where is the natives ?" Why," ho says,
couldn't. If you'd 'card the names as them passengers called me, as "all round you, to be sure." What!" I says, "ain t they wild
stupid old fool was nothing to, you'd 'ave said as I did, that if there Injins ?" lie says, "No, not all; but here's a savage as says hi
was real fire you'd never give no alarm. I was most 'urt at BEowN as knows you." And I turned round, and if there wasn't my Jos as I
never took it up, though a party come up on deck the next day and says know'd in a-instant, tho' grown stout. I see the tears in his eyos as
to' im, with me a-sittin' by, "Did you hear the row as some old ass of a he said, Mother, I never thought to see you here." I says, "Thank
woman kicked, up last night with a alarm of fire ?" and if BEowN, Gou as I've lived t0 see you again, my boy." lie says, "Cwmi'
though he know'd 'twas me as 'ad done it, never took it up, but I was along," he says, and he leads me away, and I couldn't 'elp a few
a-goin' to, only jest then they was a 'eavin' of the log as they calls it, tears at meeting' that dear boy agin.
and the capting were a-lookin' through a thing as looked like a bit
broke off a wheel. I says to a party, "What is he up to ?" "A-taking
'is obserwations," says he. I says, Oh, in eed," and see 'im a-lookin' News of the World-For the World,
'ard at me. So I says, "I 'ope he won't make none of his obserwations FAM, it is only too well known, is not warranted to last for over ;
to me, as 'ave 'ad quite enoughof'em as is werry uncalled for, I con- but twenty years or so is a very short lease of immortality. WV,
sides. should have been inclined to think that the author of the Bridge of
Law! it was dull work aboard that wessel, as I says to one lady, Sighs" might have counted on being rememb-red for at lIast twice that
"I wonder they don't stop somewhere on the way, as would break the term. Imagine our surprise, then, to meet with the following paragraph
monotony. "Ah," she says, "there's always danger along the coast in the leading article of The News of the World!-
of going' ashore. "0 win'," I says, "no doubt to them Eailors, as when nftnt peon, nfrt i
they gets ashore will get a-drinkin' in low company, but," I says, The .s i..n, eurof eupid( ye st'ilv anim; tfereore tatke hrim Y1,, eir .-rl/,
you might trust me ashore or any steady character." ; Lna'tSo in'cth, and treat him (ua another authority adviilrt
We was a-chattin' away when her 'usbani come up as were some anlghrs with regard to the fihl upon thur hook) ca though you lioed ;rn."
sort of missionary, and says, "It's about this werry spot as the Sarah Won't some enterprising publisher engage the editor of the N. ofl the W.
Ann is supposed to 'ave floundered, and every soul aboard perished." I to superintend the production of a new edition of the Poets ?


[OcToB~ 19, 1867.


Now the Season's nearly ending,
And the world is homeward wending,
A long procession-blending
All the ton th'it Margate boasts,
The repulsive and the pretty,
Tom and Harry, Sal and Betty,-
It comes streaming down the jetty
And sets sail from Thanet's coasts.


First the Jews-the swells so Jewy,
And their damsels-oh, so shrewy,
And their horses-oh, so screwy,
And their noses-oh, so big !
They flit in tribes Judaic
By the Albert Victor caique,
With their jewellery Mosaic
And antipathy to pig.

Then the Jolly Dogs, delighting
Not so much (see WATTS) in fighting
As in foolishly exciting
Their weak brains with liquor strong.
Men who worship the distiller-
Of Margate's throne the filler,
As a famous lady-killer,
Hail with plaudits loud and long!


Then the Swells with notions bigger,
Whose chief pleasure 'tis to figure
With an air devoid of vigour-
Solemn, listless, languid fops!
Now their holidays are ending-
Their activity amending,
Soon again they'll be attending
To their duty at their shops.

Then the Beauties, whose big chignons
Cause division of opinions-
As to whether bought like inions,"
Or "their own, their native hair!"
With their trains so long and flowing,
And their hats and bonnets knowing,-
They are going-yes, are going
To leave Margate to despair.

Yes! The Season's at its close now,
Leaving Margate to repose now: -
So just cast an eye on those now
Who're about to fly afar.
Oh, such mobs of snobs prodigious
And so positively hidgeous'!"
'Tis a duty quite religious
To portray them :-Here they are!



OCTOBER 19, 1867.]


WE hereby present our thanks to MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE for giving to
the British public one of the funniest books that we have met with for
a long time-The Celebrated Jumping Frog, by MAnK TWAIN. The
author is an American, and was, we believe, the editor of a paper
called The Californian, in which many of the stories in the present
volume appeared. MARK TWAIN" is, of course, a nom de plime, like
ARTEMUS WARD or ORPHEUs C. KERR, for these American humourists
seem shy of coming before the public with their real names, and
prefer to assume fanciful soubriquets. The first story in this little book
is The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," which
belonged to a certain Jim SMILEY, a gentleman remarkable for his
propensity to bet upon anything and everything. The frog's name
was DAN'L WEBSTER," and, though a wonderful jumper, we read,
" You never see a frog more modest and straightforward as he was, for
all he was so gifted." How SMILEY bet on him and how poor DAN'L
was the victim of the most shameful foul play the reader must find out
for himself, the story is too long to tell here, and too good to spoil by
curtailment. "AURELIA'S Unfortunate Young Man" is equally good,
and the item which the editor himself couldn't understand is a most
delicious piece of mystification. In several of the sketches we get a
charming insight into American usages. We are told, for instance,
that young "bucks and heifers" always come it strong on panoramas
because it gives them a chance of tasting one another's mugs in the
dark." Our readers will hardly recognize the seductive process of
osculation in this expression. We learn also some facts about the
dress of our fair cousins across the Atlantic, with which we are ashamed
to say we were previously unacquainted. A young lady's attire at a
ball is thus described:-
Miss R. P., with that repugnance to ostentation in dress which is so peculiar to
her, was attired in a simple white lace collar, fastened with a neat pearl button
solitaire. The fine contrast between the sparkling vivacity of her natural optic
and the steadfast attentiveness of her placid glass eye, was the subject of general
and enthusiastic remark."
There are no misspellings, no contortions of words in MARK SWAIN ;
his fun is entirely dependent upon the inherent humour in his writings.
And although many jokers have sent us brochures like the present from
the other side of the Atlantic, we have had no book fuller of more
genuine or more genial fun than the Celebrated Jumping Frog."
Oar advice to our readers, therefore, is immediately to invest a shilling
in it, and over a pipe and what Mr. Swiveller called a "modest
quencher," to sit down and have_the hearty laugh that we can promise
them from its perusal.

A Flat-tering Tale.
THAT estimable person NICHOLAS, whom (on the well-known and
established principle of setting a-prophet-to catch a-well, never-
mind-what) we have in these columns more than once allowed to
denounce swindling prospectuses, seems to have put the fraternity on,
their guard. At any rate, if our reading of the following advertisement
be right, its author has felt it necessary to couch it in guarded
language to ensure its admission into the columns of our respectable
contemporary, the Atheneum :-
PARTNER WANTED, to work a valuable PATENT (not yet before the Public)
for facilitating taking money off FLAT surfaces at Railways, Public houses,
Shops, &c., and of almost universal applicability. Only a small outlay required, in
combination with energy and perseverance.-Apply, by letter, to PATENTEE, etc.
Oh! a patent for getting money off flat surfaces is one of almost
universal applicability, is it ? Railways, public-houses, and shops,
however, are, it would seem, the places where flats are chiefly caught!
A small outlay and combination! Conspiracy would be more like the
word, perhaps! And all this is artfully concealed under the guise of
an invention for enabling that large majority of mankind and woman-
kind (especially the latter) that will wear Berlin gloves to pick up
coppers off a shiny counter! How artful!

A CORRESPONDENT, come astray probably from Notes and Queries,
writes to ask whether the Nore is so called because on passing it one
feels the first approach of Nore-sea.

Joke v. Jest.
A Fp.IEvin) of ours being detected in a violent cough the other day,
was asked if it was his chest; he replied, it was only a choke.

A C-flat.
BINKs, who is a very poor sailor as well as a poor scholar, says that
they may call the land a terror firmer, but he thinks the sea by fur-

COLD WITHOUT.-How to take a glass of water-Con spirit.

O WHEnE are the people, can any one tell,
Where are they gone, where are they gone ?
They were all here in August I know very well-
And I am left all alone. ..
This London they love whilst PAULINE LuccA'sings,
But the First of September the shooting time brings,
And the partridges wish they had two pair of wings-
Where are they gone, where are they gone ?
By JovE, when they're roasted they're rather good things,
And I am left all alone !
Whenever I go in the Park for a ride,
Where are they gone, where are they gone ?
There's nothing but snobs to be soon on each side,
And I am left all alone.
How to finish my evenings I'm sure I don't know;
The theatres are empty, the music halls slow.
There's EvANs's, truly, a chop and a "go"-
Where are they gone, where are they gone ?
Crpmorne and my funds are both getting so low,
And I am left all alone !
And when on the subject I come to reflect,
Where are they gone, where are they gone ?
An autumn in London is quite incorrect,
And I am left all alone.
But I think I've found out a most excellent way
To get out of town, the' yet in it to stay;
And I've just got five pounds the expenses to pay-
Where are they gone, where are they gone ?
The Greenwich boat leaves each half-hour of the day,
And I'll be no longer alone 1

Going, a Sacrifice I
WE fancy the old adage, "If you want anything done, do it your-
self," is the only possible answer the following advertisement can be
expected to receive:-
SERVANT-OF-ALL-WORK WANTED for a Widow Lady and her Daughter, in
a small cottage 13 miles from London. She must be honest, truthful, active,
civil, clean, and an early riser. Wages 3 a year. Address, stating name and
address of last mistress, Miss B- C- Surrey.
If the widow lady and her daughter cannot afford more than three
pounds a year for such a model servant, we think they had better
undertake the place between them. Honesty, truth, activity, civility,
cleanliness, and early-rising all expected at somewhere about a penny
three farthings a day! Come, we'll be generous-we don't mind
engaging the lot at three farthings a-head per diem, and shall thiuk
we have made a very keen bargain then!

[ We cannot return rejected X388. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica-
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]
fW. A. C. (Brighton.)-You're not so funny as our old friend, W.A.C.
folderiddle liddle!
F. J. P. (Yeovil.)-Not good enough for the sequel to our joke; we
don't think it's (sjyqually funny.
XW. IW. (Liverpool.)-We are fully supplied with the article.
F. A. (Barnsbury.)-Our correspondence is large; you must wait your
turn, but the chances are you have been answered long since.
J. C.-It all depends upon their merit.
*W. P. (Buckingham-gate.)-The pieces you call "filling-up pieces"
want filling up sadly; there's nothing in them.
S.-How could you write such a line as-
To we weary ones to rest T
It's enough to disturb the rest of Lindley Murray in his grave.
J. C. R. (Ireland.)-We fear you cannot assist us.
C. A. L. E. P. (Colchester.)-We do not see your drift.
BEN ALLAH.-Perhaps they will be republished.
R. W. (Bedford-street.)-If that really is your first attempt, it is so
creditable that you had better let it be the last, too !
Declined with thanks:-HI. L. H. ; Lancashire; Polar; T. K., Walsall;
H. B.; P. Q. It.; H. IR. K.; J. M., Tredegar; C. II., Nelson-pquHre;
H. B. S., Streatfield-road; A. B.; J. D.; F. H., Manchester; W. C.,
Bedford-street; Forty Two; R. Cornwall-road; Novice; S. B. S. S.,
Brighton; T. R.., Navan; J. V., Junior; Schoolboy, Norwood; J. T.,
Hereford ; A. J. IR., Northlamnpon; A. B., Shrewsbury; S., Dublin; M. D.,
Dover; Reader, Great Queen-struet; J. MJ., Glasgow; J. M.; J. G. D.,
Bishopgate-street; E. J. F., New Cross; N. L. K.; C. D., King Williat-


166 FUN.

[ Unutterable bliss of parent who sits within hearing.

THE author of Ours and Caste has fairly earned the reputa-
tion of being our most polished and least conventional comedy-writer.
He gives us dialogue that is natural; his conversations are made effec-
tive by their fitness as much as by their brilliancy. He possesses the
rare art of raising a laugh-of drawing a tear sometimes-by the
simplest means. MR. ROBERTSON'S forte is pure comedy; the atmo-
sphere of drama disagrees with him. We rather doubt whether
exciting situations can be represented properly apart from a little clap-
trap; it is a perilous experiment to throw stage tradition overboard
altogether. It was-probably is-a noble commonplace way that the
brave soldiers on board the Birkenhead formed in line and sunk. The
sea and sky were the only witnesses, and there was no acting to them.
But in putting such an incident on the stage, things are not to be done
in the matter-of-fact manner. The audience wants a deal of talk about
heroism, love of country, wives and families, et cetera. MR. ROBERT-
SON has not appreciated this dreadful necessity-or else he has defied it.
The stage-management has done everything in its power to spoil the
shipwreck scene; but not from the author's fault-an attempt to be
natural. The vessel is a decent-sized yacht in the second act-and in
the first it was a ship of at least fifteen hundred tons. The supers,
too-a melancholy half dozen-are of the Adelphi pattern, and spoil
every scene into which they are introduced. The performance of
" For Love is hardly up to our expectation. Miss HENRADE is un-
impassioned, and MR. PRIcE-usually so effective-plays coldly, and
renders more obvious the comparative weakness of the last act. MR.
but the best bit of acting in the piece is that of MR. CUMMING, who
plays a small part admirably. Though the drama contains plenty of
writing that no dramatist but MR. ROBERTSON could have given us, we
cannot say that it is one of that gentleman's artistic successes.

[OCTOBER 19, 1867.

"IT is said that at the close of the Exhibition, Paris offers a
prize of a pair of ear-rings, worth 600,000 francs (about 24,000),
to be awarded to 'the fairest of the fair.' "-.Echoesfromn the.Clubs.
WE have studied in classical fables-
Vide LEMPRIERE passim and SMITH-
How JUNO, in turning the tables
On VENUS's kin and her kith,
Made a vew for revenge of Mount Ida,
Where an elegant youth-as we're told-
Called PARIS, was asked to decide a
Dispute for an apple of gold.
Young PARIS, the shepherd, was frisky,
And went in for love like a boy,
Never dreaming his choice might be risky
And hardest of lines for old Troy.
Never thinking ATHENA would grieve it,
Or HERA reap vengeance from pain;
And now-you will hardly believe it-
Young PAiIS is at it again!
Some goddess of discord 6r folly
Fair women has set by the ears,
And the city, once happy and jolly,
Will be given to tongues and to tears.
For if the competitors wrangle,
Or sneer, snarl, or worry, or fuss,
Oh! who would the claims disentangle
Which PARIS will have to discuss ?
There are noses like pug-dogs and parrots,
And skins like the dirt and the snow,
And hair with the gleam of young carrots,
Or sheeny with gloss of a crow.
There are some who like thin lips-poor creatures-
And some, lips so poutingly full,
Wilt test all their mouths and their features ?
Then PARIs, my boy, you've the pull!
If the claims of the fat and the bony
They called upon him to decide,
I'd sooner have died with fENONE
Than fought before Troy for a bride.
But if with the lovely and witty,
The judge sits in pleasure and peace,
I'd sooner be Paris the city
Than PARIS the shepherd of Greece!

MB. H. J. BYRON'S William Tell" will no doubt fill the Strand
for some time to come. It is full of fun, and the music is carefully
and cleverly selected. Mt. C. FENTON deserves to be singled out for
separate praise; his performance of Sarnem is intensely humorous-a
true bit of burlesque acting.
The Adelphi is re-decorated! It really looks very nice-very nice
indeed! And MR. WEBSTER is playing Triplet again, as admirably as
ever, in Masks and Faces." MRS. MELLON plays Peg Woffington,
but not as admirably as ever; she has grown too loud and overwhelm-
ing-her gestures are exaggerated. We look forward with eagerness
to the production of a new piece under the altered management of this

WHEN is it desirable to be on the sick list F-When one is "laid up"
-in lavender.

NOTICE.-On November the 4th, price Twopence,
Sixteen pages, Toned -Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by

NOTICE.-Now ready, price Is., and may be obtained at the FuN Office, Lacy's
Theatrical Warehouse, and all booksellers,
A Burlesque by H. J. Byron, W. S. Gilbert, T. Hood, H. S. Leigh, Arthur Sketchley,
and "Nicholas."
Performed at Theatre Royal Haymarket, on Saturday, July Oth.
N.B.-The proceeds of the sale will be added to the fund for the benefit of the
widowed mother of the late Paul Gray.

LouDo :. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and PublIshed (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, B.C.-
October 19, 1867.

Ma. FUN, SIR,-I am that there young man from the country
as was made so much game of because of my saying' that nobody
wouldn't get over me. No more they didn't, except them there
music-hall chaps; but I've been regular done, Sir, a-coming along
to your office from the Temperance Hotel, where I puts up, at
the back of Cheapside-as I takes my own licker in a wicker bottle
and drinks in the bedroom after meals. I was ekonymising along of
having promised my missis (for the best of us is got over by them that
we loves, honours, and obeys,) to take her home a something' from
London, as her wishes took the form of electro-plate for to stand on
the sideboard along with our best chaney. As I say, I was on my
way to your office when what should I see in a shop winder but just
sech an article as would suit to a T, or I should say to a tea, which is
a jocorous remark suited to your porioddicle. For if it warn't a sugar
basin, a milk-pot, a coffee biggin, a teapot and all to match, as bright
as the new shillin's that I'd drawed from the Bank that very morning.
I was a-goin' in to ask the price when I hears somebody a-talking
loud inside, and a chap at the door says, The sale closes to-day, and
there's some bargains going, I can tell you." Now, thinks I, he
don't know who I am, and he thinks to get over me; so I winks to
myself and walks in. There was two or three women there, and half
a dozen men, three of 'em I was down upon in a minute. I know'd
'em by their hookey noses and by the look out of the corners of their
eyes, and I winks to myself again, for they was a-takin' in two of the
women, and a pale, silly-lookin' feller like one o'clock, a-selling 'em
all sorts o' rubbish. Sometimes they bought a lot themselves, and
the way they did it was worth looking at, I can tell you. A-pretend-
ing to quarrel who should have it, and a-payin' for it always in even
money-half sovereigns or sovereigns, as they handed over to the
chap that brought the things round on a waiter. That didn't get over
me, though, for, says I to myself, "The money's only Brummagem
counters, or else out of the common till."
There was two or three real han'some things, too, I can tell, and
some as I could see had done duty before and not been cleaned after-
wards. Thinks I, diamondd cut diamond I see now what them
gorgeous tea-services is for, and if I don't have my bid and see whether
I can't nick one of them show lots I ain't what I was five or six year
ago. So I waits, and presently sure enough in comes the tea-things

out of the winder. The young cupple bids, innd one of the others
bids, and then I looks hard at the auctioneer, and winks, as much
as to say "I'm awake!" and he says, "Did you bid for this?"
"Yes," I says, "I'll bid seventeen shillin's." And then hoe laughs,
and says, The gentleman there with the lady's offered a pound upon
the sale." Just then in comes another party, and directly he was
inside they draws a curtain that shut us all in, for there was a crowd
round the door, and before I knew what was being done the lot was
knocked down to the now comer. "Come," says I, "that game won't
do with me. You'll put that lot up again, for mine was the last bid
of a guinea;" and the party, as was evidently a gentleman, says,
" I've no objection, if there's any dispute." So away we goes again,
and the young man, as had been a-consultin' with his wife, says, I
mean to have 'em if I can, for I've bought the spoons to match ;" and
I says, Well, if I don't buy 'em over your head at the price as is
being asked some of these chaps will: you ain't up to 'em, but they
don't get over me;" and then there was a lot of bids all at once, and
the goods was knocked down. Would you like to pay for them at
once ? says the auctioneer to the young feller; but the man as had
come in says, "I beg your pardon, if they belong to anybody they're
the property of this gentleman (meaning me) as have offered five-and-
thirty." There was a regular row, but I sticks to my text, and the
stranger sticks to me; and out I walks triumphant, a-winkin' to my-
self, with the goods under my arm in a silk handkercher.
Well, Sir, I write this from home, which I reached by the night
train. When I opens my handkercher and shows the things to my
wife she was uncommonly pleased to be sure, for she thought they was
real silver, and they looked it, too; for I forgot to say as they'd been
kept spick and span new in that winder under a glas' shade.
How we did laugh, my wife and me, at the way as I'd got over that
set at the Mock Auction; for bless you, Sir, I was up to it from the
very first, and we pictered to ourselves their rage at being (lone out of
their show lot. Sir, let me out with it at once. In the morning while
I was a-shavin', I heard my wife give a scream, and nearly cut my
chin off. Down I goes, and if the silver service hadn't all turned
black in the night, as was only zinc and quicksilver. I see it all now.
That pale young cupple was in the gang, and they'd got over me, and
I don't know as I shall ever come to London any more, but remain




SMVERYBOIDY :has, of course, read
:SKEY'S letter on the evil effects of
boat-races. There can be only one-
*-.2 jor, I should say two-opinions on the
"~ -point :-First, that SKEY is perfectly
S right in what he says about the
-. damage done; and, second, that all
he can say will not stop the Oxford
and Cambridge Race. The only
thing to be done is to try and alter
the training system, and to persuade
the crews to go out of training as
gradually as they come into it. I
-l fancy that the very light boats used
now, by necessitating or allowing a
very much more rapid stroke, have
a great deal to do with the mischief.
Every University man, I fancy, can
remember some famed oar of his
college who "pulled himself to
pieces" in the races. I don't think
it would be possible to bring the
crews under medical authority, and
appoint a surgeon, without whose
permission men should not be
allowed to take part in the races.
It is a difficult matter to manage,
for outsiders little know what an
important thing the college boat is.
i No long-armed, broad-shouldered
-- freshman was ever a week in college
\ before he was asked to breakfast
with some boating-man, to meet the
aquatic interests, and be persuaded,
jif possible, to go down in the Torpid.
.-'> No! the youngsters won't believe
that every race they row is so much
taken out of their constitutions-they won't find it out, perhaps, till
they are fogies, and their boating days are over. But would it not be
well for the Presidents of the University Clubs to beat up the old
captains, and try to get statistics about the crews that pulled from
Mortlake to Putney (or vice rersu) in the Mayoralty of PLANCUS ? At
any rate, we have on record the opinion of one of the leading surgeons
of the day, and it is unfavourable to rowing. Litera scripta manent,
as our classical friend the Daily Telegraph observed the other day, and
while that epistle is unanswered, Paterfamilias will do well to forbid
young Hopeful to boat;-alas, for the college's place on the river,
that I should have to say so!
THm rescue of KELLY and DEAsa has encouraged a set of roughs to
try a similar game at Clerkenwell. It only shows what slight
encouragement the lawless require-their very ignorance and brutality
make them bold. Let us hope, after this warning, that vigilance and
promptitude will be the order of the day, and that the police, who have
a noble opportunity of redeeming their character, which has been
jeopardised of late, will take advantage of it. They have their faults
-grave ones, too,-but just now their position is an unenviable one,
and often a perilous one, and every loyal citizen should support them,
in the hope that when the difficulty is over, they will show their
appreciation of that support by a milder exercise of the despotic power
they possess over the comparatively peaceable. Thank goodness one
can comment on the police of this country! They manage these things
better in France, for the Editor of L'Epoque was fined two hundred
francs for an article deprecating the brutality of the sergents de Ville,
the writer of the article being at the same time muleted of six
A asEw secret society at Vienna is announced! Not for the libera-
tion of Hungary or any other oppressed nationality, however. Its
object is the extinction of trains-not railway trains, but the long tails
with which ladies of fashion delight to sweep the streets. Members of
the society solemnly swear to tread on, so as to tear, all the trains they
meet with. These be strong measures, methinks, and Messieurs the
Viennese might surely find a more honourable way of waging war
against women-besides their stratagem recoils on themselves. They
tear the dresses-but the damage has to be repaired out of the pockets
of husbands and fathers, who belong to their own sex.
The mysterious announcement On the Cards which has haunted the
papers some time is the herald of Routledqe's Christinas Annual. It is
the title of the opening series of stories by the authors of the Bunch ofJ

LOOTOBEn 26, 1867.

Keys, Rates and Taxes and Fire Alls, who have this year abandoned
Ma. WsnaN's Annual for that of Mn. ROUTLEDGE, which farther
boasts the attraction of contributions by OCARLES MATHEWS, SAMUEL
LovER, and AaTHUsn SxKETeLEY.
THEsE is a rumour afloat that the .Daily Niws is likely to reduce its
price to one penny. If so, and it continues to be as ably managed, it
will supply a want that has been long felt by a certain section of the
public. The Standard is a capital paper, but, if you are not a Con-
tervative, you would rather have a paper upholding your views-the
Star is too far ahead for most people, and even Ma. J AMES GEEENWOOD
cannot atone for the dulness of the Censor,-while the Telegraph is
much.too Liberal-in the number of advertisements it gives you for
your penny! The .Daily KYws at a penny will find a large public
awaiting it.

THis is a strange and wondrous tale
Of a chest of nued-i-cin!
Told the Marines, because the sail-
Ors never would take it in!
The iYary Jane was bound for sea,
In the port of Sunderland;
Ready to hoist her old Blue Pe-
Ter, but for a missing hand.
The mate examined every "crib,"
But the sailor could not see;
So shipped a man he found distrib-
Uting baccyy juice on the Quay.
Now when the mate aboard was oome;
To the captain, Sir," says he,
"We now of hands have made eur num-
Ber, and are ready for sea;
"But only want one thing," he said,
"And that is the med'cine chest !"
The captain cried, Go, ship the dead-
Light,-sail, and be -- blest! "
They weighed the anchor-hove it ehort-
And spread to the wind their sails:
The voyage they hoped would:not ibort-
Ive prove. Its object was whales.
But be the sea or calm, or rough;
Or the breezes foul or fair,
The missing med'ecine chest was suf-
Ficient the mate to scare !
It preyed upon him so, his mind
On physic would always dwell!
Hle thought he'd fever, ague, rind-
Erpest, and scurvy as well!
He dreamt of med'cines cardiac,
Of rhubarb, senna, and squills ;
Of Epsom salts, and ipecach-
Uana; powders and pills!
Of ointments, blisters, lotions, for
All sort of illness and pain,
Till the effect was extraor-
Dinary on his brain!
Until the man from off the Quay
Came up to him one day,
And said that he was a Homoe-
Opath, and he begged to say-
That always wheresoe'er he went,
He carried a medicine chest.
The Mate he swore he couldn't ent-
Er into so bad a jest!
This man at last the Mate convinced
He was not at all.in fun,
And was im-me-di-ate-ly inst-
Ituted as ship's sur-jun !

There was no illness great or small,
He couldn't at once defy:
And they all decided to pooh, pooh! all-
Opathy, all their eye!
They liked the plan exceedingly,
Excepting for any "prog ;"
And had objections to Homae-
Opathy applied to grog! "

OCTOBER 26, 1867. F U N 69

Now when they reached the whaling ground,
The HomeCopath says he,
"Leave all to me, you'll be astound-
Ed, at what you soon shall see!"
He dropped some globules in the sea,
In the midst of a "school" of whales :
In minutes twenty-one they be-
Came all of them dead as nails!
They-filled the vessel to the decks,
And started for home express;
Rejoiced at having had such ex-
Traordinary success!
And when ashore they came to go,
Each rushed away to invest
Some of his earnings in a Ho-
Moeopathic medicine chest!

WE have received-from, MESSRS. RoLTLEDGE a batch of books, which
we may take as the ascant courier of the great flood of Christmas
literature about to be launched on the devoted heads of the reviewers.
Every Boy's Annual, a handsome and attractive volume, may claim to
be the first. It abounds in interesting papers on sports as well as
science, and there are some admirable short sketches and stories. Of
the longer tales we like The Boy Cavaliers best. "The Orville
College Boys" is by Mfs. HBwiY WOOD, who does not seem to know
much about either boys-or colleges. We can fancy how many hearty
laughs there will be over. the passage in which she talks of a master's
trencher cap having two tassels, one over the other," and makes
one of her schoolboys catch up a master's cap in mistake for his own !
The majority of the illustrations arc excellent, especially the coloured
natural history cuts, and the pictures belonging to the burlesques. Mrn.
BURNAND, the author of those burlesques, should have furbished up his
Latin a bit before he aired it in the presence of boys fresh from their
Latin grammars. It is hardly correct to say Lictores, move "
Moreover, .Dominus is not a vocative, nor is ferre the imperative offer.
Another capital boy's book is Barferd Bridge, by the REY. H. C.
ADAMS, in which boat-races, football, fighting, and cricket take their
proper place and interest, and the moral is not too obtrusively dis-
played. For the smaller folks we find The Multiplication Table in
Verse, an attempt to make that nauseous draught palatable, The Old
Courtier, the ballad on whose lines The Fine Old English Gentleman"
was built, and Old King Cole, with which is incorporated" that very
old and well-beloved story of the Queen of Hearts and the Tarts.
This last is, perhaps, the best as well as most brilliantly illustrated.
Original Poems, illustrated, is prettily turned out. Some of the pictures
are very charming, but we do not (with all deference to the author of
the Family Ten) care about the "poems." They are "only for
children" we shall be told, but that is all the more reason in our
opinion that they should be good. It is most important that the child's
ear should be trained to an appreciation of verse by faultless rhythm and
careful rhyme, and in neither of these respects do Original .Poems
shine. Last, but not least, in the batch comes a book for us old fogies-
a cheap edition of the immortal Tristram Shandy. The edition is
unmutilated by that judicious editing which in cutting out the naughty
passages generally contrives to snip away a great deal of the good with
them. We commend the Shandean volume to those who are not
acquainted with it, if only that they may perceive, when they have read
it, how very much our modern humourists are indebted to STERIE.

As HonACe, had he lived in this day, would have undoubtedly been
one of our honoured contributors, we venture, on behalf of that
deceased poet and his latest translator, Ds. SMITH, to point out a slip
which the Atheneiuhm has made. The Athnenceu does make slips at
times. Recently, when noticing a mention of tubular bridges in a
novel, it spoke as if STaPHENSON's were the only tubular bridges, quite
forgetting BRUNEL's. In this instance, the critic says that DR. SMITH
has mistaken the meaning of-
Heu, quotes fidem
Mutatoeque deos fiebit,"
when he translates it as- "
How oft, alack,
He'll mourn her troth and gods invoked forsaken."
Surely our Athenaic friend must see an implied comma after "in-
voked !" 1T-forsaken-will mourn her troth and the gods he invoked.
If he were not forsaken, he would have no reason to lament either the
invoked gods or her troth. Oh, classical criticism, what nonsense is
perpetrated in thy name! A scholar would have seen that "mutatos"'
applied both to "deos" and to "fidem," and that Da. SMITH, by giving
the effect of those changes on the mourner, met the difficulty in
the best possible manner admitted by our English construction.

No. 33,
AT early dawn they run and ride,
And shout along the river side,
While steadily the oarsmen strain
Each nerve the leading place to gain.
But all their strength and skill it needs-
Now one and now the other leads:
But, see, the race is done-and, hark !
What cheering hails the victor-bark.
And yet 1 hear amid the shout
One prudent voice expressing doubt,
Though scarcely will the lads, I fear,
Those warning words of wisdom hear.

This sort of fellow troubles very greatly
Departments that would fain go on sedately:
About the offices for over grubbing
With schemes and plans, he gets a deal of snubbing.
In distant lands
The trav'llor knowing
Well understands
Where this is growing.
Is learned in the art of grinding it,
And feels quite sure of food, in finding it.
Some one has written reams about him,
But though renowned for piety,
He's lots of roguish schemes about him,
And tricks in great variety.
According to PLmNY,
Who was not a ninny,
Of all the Italians this race was th, oldest.
But then of the tribes
That PLINY describes,
if they were the most ancient, they were not the boldet.
A drinking-horn ancient, of curious shape-
Oft in classical pictures you'll view it,
For the juice of the grape had a hole, for escape
In the bottom, and used to flow through it
Straight into the mouth of the dIriuker agape-
Just try with a funnel to do it !
Writers of weight upon Hindoo mythology,
With this of the universe mete the duration-
A measure of time-pray accept my apology,
If I can give you no more information.

N 0 D
T E S s A
Amicus; Returns 54; Froggy; Betsy If.; Merry Andrew; lRuby; Valentine;
D. P. II.; E. D.J. M.; Long Jick; Holdfast; F. R.; 4 Boobics; M. D.8.; Juliq;
Bunnie P.; A la mode; Etihw ; II. C.; Parkhurst; Varney the V.; Garry; The
Roman; 3 Carshalton Fools; Neptune 22; Ned; Long Firm; 2 Barnacles; Katie;
Nanny's Pet; The Chichester Cockles; Kate C. II.; Pedro; Gyp; A Gowk;
Anna L.; C. C. B.; Keg Meg; Riose and Kittie; Head of the Family; Skelmorbe;
E. M. II.; Borva; Drum ; Pal o' Mine; Constance; Muckle Pickle; Exon, Oxon;
"I'm Sure I'll Try"; Vampyre; Snuff-box; Two Clapham Contortionists;
Engineers Out of Work; Brick-court; A. B.; Breakside and Ilamish; T. H. C.;
J. A. W.; The Monaline Lynx ; Bundle; 89th ; Polar; Bampton Beck ; Bravo,
Ned; J.R.; D. E. IL.; 1. and C. S. ; W. S.; Maltern ; 3 Bluebottles; Oreenfleeve.

Another Suffering Manager!
MR. WEBSTER is not the only ill-used manager. We have it on the
best authority that MR. WEJ sSTER'S neighbour, the Manager of the
Lyceum, is being shamefully used. We are assured that poor Mi.
FECHTER, having engaged a "scratch'" company, is Clawed nightly in
his own theatre.

73 FUN.

[OCTOBER 26, 1867.



First awful little quiz (totally unaware of the proximity of little Binks) :-" DON'T YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN 2 THAT ODIOUS LITTLE
[ Binks feels ecstatic.

FROM OUR STALL. to. PROPFESSOR PEPPER, in a lecture on the Paris Exhibition, tells us
AN actor of great American celebrity, MR. JOHN S. CLARKE, is now that jewellery is now made by machinery at less than half the former
playing at the St. James's Theatre in a new edition of Ma. STIRLING cost. We shall yet live to see gold bracelets and earrings voted
COYNE' Everybody's Friend. The piece is not a great piece-in fact, common and vulgar. An effectively painted Rhenish panorama,
it is rather the reverse; but MR. SOTHERN and MR. JEFFERSON have Lurley by name, is included in the Polytechnic's list of entertain-
already proved that the success of an individual performer (if the ments.
performer happens to be a fine one) depends very little on the merits
of the play in which he makes his appearance. We certainly cannot The State of Ireland.
speak well of A Widow Hunt; it is tediously conversational. Of Ma. WE are rather alarmed over here in England at the state of things
CLARKE, however, we can speak in high terms. He has a splendidly revealed by the late Fenian outrage at Manchester. What should we
expressive countenance, which he works to perfection: his voice is do if we lived in Ireland ? We have just read in Saunders's News Letter
like JOHN PARRY'S, and has JOHN PARRY'S funny and pleasant lisp. an announcement which fills us with apprehension. It would seem
The American accent is hardly discernible. We are anxious to see that the most terrible excesses pass unnoticed in Dublin on account of
Mlt. CLARKE in a better piece than A Widow Hunt. MESSRS. IRVING their frequency. Murder must reckon for little where flaying-even
and BLAKE support the leading comedian creditably; the female parts of women-is a common practice, and that it is so we gather from the
are played by MISSEs ADA CAYENDISH, BUFTON, and SOPHIE LARKIN- advertisement of a large furrier, who winds up his notice about the
of whom the last is the cleverest, though the first is clever, and the mounting and trimming of furs with this blood-chilling sentence:-
second cleverer. The comedy is nicely put upon the stage, with MR. "Ladies may depend on getting their own skins back."
FREDERICK FENTON'S scenery, and on the night of the first performance
the house was pretty full and enthusiastic.
A newly-adapted farce by MR. MADDISON MORTON has been produced Epigram.
at the Olympic, under the title of The Two Puddifoots. MR. WIGAN "A LADY robbed recently in Westminster Abbey, complained of her loss to the
does all that he can with it, and so does MR. ADDISON. A MR. ReBSON verger, who merely said, Oh, that is very likely; ladies should not carry purses in
also takes part in the trifle; he is not like the other MR. ROBSON in places like this.' "-ide Papers.
anything but the name. Miss FARREN and MISS MARIA HARRIS have A Pan-Anglican Synod again should assemble
little to do, but they do it very well. By the way, it is nearly time The Establishment's honour to clear from this smirch;
for the Olympic to change its bills a little. People who admire Pious ladies-small wonder!-will learn with a tremble
CHARLES MATHEWS (and their name is Legion, for they are many) "They'll be robbed if they carry a purse into church."
will have no objection to see him play some of his old Lyceum parts
again. ALL THE DIFFERENCE.-Port wine leaves its mark on the nose;
The Polytechnic has altered its programme, and is well worth going water-on a Bank note.

F5 UJ i N.-OCTOBER 26, 1867.







k .- -t


.vI Jl


Nelly (IB*L*ND). I Mr. Codlin (EARL R*SS*LL). j Mr. Short (MR. D*'si"**i).
[Vide Old Curiosity Shop."


. ,*'.. .

ywi \

OcTonBR 26, 1867.] pF U J 73

I DON'T think as ever I were more thankful in my life than when I
found myself safe and sound in a comfortable room in a decent house;
but I says to JoE, My dear boy, wherever is your wife and children P "
"Oh," he says, Mother, many miles away from this."
I must say as I felt 'urt at it's not bein' JoE's own 'ome, though not
a comfortable place, and a old black woman a-cookin', as give us some
tea; but law bless you the rum things as they 'ad along with tea, for
there was oysters and fried taters, and love-apples, and cowcumbers, and
all manner, let alone lamb chops and beef steaks as was cut werry odd.
I 'adn't no much appetite, and the place seemed to turn me round and
I was werry nigh upset the first thing when I got into the room, for he
says, Set down 'ere, mother," and I set down, and if the chair didn't
give way back'ards with me, as proved to be its nater thro' bein' a
rockin' chair. I give sich a scream, for my 'eels flew up, and even
JoE couldn't help laughing. It was a .many days afore I could get
used to their ways and wittles. They eats a lot of what they calls
corn, as ain't a bit like any corn as ever I see, tho' I did used once to
keep fowls, and rabbits too, as used to feed on it. I don't 'old with
their tea, and as to the cold water they're a-drinkin' constant, if
I was to give in to it I should soon be brought to a watery grave.
But no wonder they drinks, for of all the 'eat as ever I did feel; it
beat ovens 'oiler; and as to the. gnats they're as ferocious as tigers, a-
dewourin' you, as is the reason they calls 'em muskeeters, no doubt, as
was always desperate characters, we all know, as they tries to ketch
with nets over the bed; as is downright foolishness, for I'm sure there
was lots on 'em inside the net as were round my bed, and not one on
'em was ketched, and -you never asee sich a bigger as I went down to
breakfast, regular bunged-up, and that irritatin' as made me scratch
myself raw. The old nigger woman she told me as there was papers
for smoking' 'em out of the beds,. so I says to 'er, "I knows what will
settle 'em, the same ,as I've heardd say in England, as is a little gun-
powder," as she said she .could get me easy, and so she did, as I made
up into a little lump -with water and kep' it agin night. I did not
feel up to much going about, :so I went ;to bed early, and there
was them muskeeters -a-flyi' about, and a lot inside the net as
was 'angin' over the bed. So Igets into bed, with -my little bit of
gunpowder in a saucer. I'd got a lucifer, as I struck alight with it
and put it agin the powder, as were damped; but law bless you, I
never did; it flared up like mad, knocked me backwards in the bed,
and set that there net in a blaze. I hollered fire, and rolled out of
bed, a-draggin' that net along with me, and if BRowN and JOE 'adn't
come up I must 'ave .been brought -to a fiery grave, as the sayin' is.
What with the shock -as it give me, and the 'eat as upset me, I was
werry bad for three-days, and little thought as ever I should 'ave come
to be nursed by a blackamoor, .as was that ,kind through givin' me a
turn atween the lights, and standing' by my bedside and me a-wakin'
up sudden after dosin' off through a bad night, and the sun a-settin'
that sudden, no doubt through so much water bein' about, as put 'imr
out easy.
I don't think as ever I was so jolted up and down as I were in one
of them 'buses as runs up Broadway with no conductor behind for to
let you in. As I 'ailed .one myself a-'oldin' my umbreller, but it's
all werry fine for to stop 'em, but howeverr to get in I did not see, for
the steps is that 'igh that I couldn't hardlyy reach 'em, and that narrer
as there were not no 'old for the foot; and just as I got in at the door
if the feller didn't drive on, and I must 'ave pitched back'ard out if I
'adn't pitched forward and come with my 'ead full butt agin the end of
the 'bus as would 'ave stunned me if I'd come with my full force, as
I were presented doin', tlho' the door a-shettin' with my foot in it as
'eld me back and broke the shock, but pretty nigh broke my ankle too.
The way them 'buses dawdles up that street is enough to drive you
mad; not as they can get along any faster,:for of all the crowdin' and
pushin' as ever you see, all a-runnin' one again another, and nobody
couldn't never cross but for the police, as is that perlite a-'andin' you
over, with their straw 'ats and nice white gloves.
Of all the ways for to pay your fare in them 'buses it's the most
sing'ler, for you 'as to put the money thro' a little 'ole in the top of
the 'bus, a-ringing of a bell, as I'm sure they wouldn't never find
answer in London, where I've seed parties myself try and cheat the
conductor afore 'is werry face, and what they'd, do with 'is back turned,
goodness knows. 'There was a party .in that 'bus -werry civil, as
offered for to 'and up my money, but I says, Youmust escuse me,
but bein' a stranger, I must keep my weather heye up," as made 'imr
look rather foolish.
We was a-bumpin' along enough for to loosen every tooth in your
'ead, and a werry nice young gal got in as were that pretty, as cer-
tingly most of the 'Merrykens is, I will say, and there was a old feller
in the 'bus as I didn't fancy, thro' a-seein' as he'd been and 'ad 'is 'air
dyed a deep black, as looks werry ghastly. I see 'im a-heyin' that
young gal the same as he'd:beena-lookin' at me afore she got in, as
kep' 'im at 'is distance with one of my looks. Well, he was a-settin'

oppersito to that young gal anI me, and I see as she were uneasy, and
'im a-fidgettin' about 'is feet, .and presently le put 'is foot with all 'is
force on my tenderest corn, as is a thing I can't aboar touched, so I
up with the umbroller and I give him a hot one across 'is shins. He
says, "Whatedo you mean by that ?" "Why," I says, "jest what
I've done, .and I'll do it agin, you ole waggerbone, as 'ave been
annoying' this unggal with your feet as I've been a-watchin' you !"
He said as he adn't, ut the young gal said as he 'ad, so I says, If
you dares to 'molest either 'er or me I'll call that perliceman as I sees
about." Bless you, the was out of the 'bus in a crack, as give me a
turn, for thayare sich people for to get in and out while the 'bus is
movin'; and the, young gal told me as there was a good many waga-
bones as was .p'to them games in 'buses, so I says, "Let me ketch
'em at it with me, and see if I don't settle 'em pretty quick." As led
to a werry unpleasant mistake two days arter; bein' in a 'bus and a
old feller oppersite;a-movin' his feet about, and me a-thinkin' he was
annoyin' the young galas set next 'im, I give him a wiolent prog on
the toe with my umbreller, as proved to be 'is gouty foot, and the
young woman 'is own.daughter, and a nice row I got into!
JOE he'da lot of business as would keep 'im for a week or more, so
he says to me, "'You'd'better go and see some of the sights in New
York." I says, "Law, JoE, I don't want to see no sights, as I'm sure
them shops up Broadway is sight enough for any one," and would be a
lovely street only it don't seem to 'ave no shady side like Cheapside ;
but a bridge across, as is downright necessary, for it's that dangerous.
So JOE he says to me, "Mother, don't you bother with nobody."
BRowN he says, "I should like to see your mother not poke 'or nose
into other people's business."
I says, Ma. BRowN, .I knows say way about, and ,as to pokin' my
nose, never you mind so long as it ain't .yourn." "Well," .he says,
"if you gets into a mess JoE must 'elp you out."
I says, JOE is one as 'll suecour 'is father -und mother, as is 'is
duty ;" but little did I think of the trouble as I were a-goin' to get
into, and all for a-trifle, for whatevervis:six cents,,as they calls 'em, and
ain't more than a penny-as I'ad:topay for a ride in one of them street
cars as runs all over the place like a railway without no engine? I
got into one for to go 'and see a aunt of iloa'x wife, as were that
friendly as she asked me to spend the day with 'er, and me a-startin'
That there nigger woman put.me oia the ear, as woritWn't 'ardly stop
for me to get in. I set down, tho' there wasn't 'arly a seat thro' a
lot getting' in jest arter me, as collared the seats pretty quick. I
know'd it was their -ays to pay the conductor as waplks,up and down
a-collectin' the money. I 'ad my money ready in my 'and, as were
ten cents. Well, a man come along-and stood,in front.of me as I took
for the conductor. So I give 'tn,a ,dollar--leastwaiya, a bit of s'iled
paper as acts for one, thro' their 'avin' used all their gold and silver in
the war, a-makin' bullets on it, I suppose, as I considers shameful
waste myself, the same as a party I've 'eard tellabout as made sand-
wiches of bank-notes, as did ought to 'ave been whipped, a 'ussy.
Well, this man he didn't say nothing, but takes the money, walks out
of the other end, as their cars is open both ends, as makes 'em werry
drafty, and must be awful in cold weather. I set there a-waitin' for
my change, when up comes another chap, and asks worry rough for
my money. I 'ad changed my seat once or twice in that car; thro'
the draft, one time, and another time 'cos a party'were a-spectoratin'
that free as I didn't care about it. So I says to the feller, I paid
you-leastways, I give a dollar, and wants my.ohange." Oh," he
says, "I reckon you think as I'm a young 'oss." I says, "You'd
better reckon what change you've got to give mne out of a dollar, and
give it me pretty quick." He says, "I never see your dollar." "Well,"
I says, "I give it to the other." "What other ?" says he. Why,"
I says, "the other as come and stood afore me." He says, He ain't
got nothing to do with it; besides," he says, "-whero's he got to ?" I
says, "'Ow should I know P for you're all like a lot of wild beastes,
a-'oppin' up and down off the thing afore it stops." He says, You pay
your fare or come out of the car." I says I won't." You must,"
says he, for here we stops and turns back." I says, You're a gang of
thieves." "Come out," says he, and pulls at me. I 'ollered "Help!"
and up come a perliceman, as says, "Pay your fare." I says, I've
paid, and will 'ave my change." Says the conductor, "She's a regular
beat; she got on the car and has been a-dodgi' me all about."
Well, there was a crowd, and they come all round, so I thought as
I'd give 'em the slip on the quiet, and was a-walkin' off, when that
conductor fellow says, Pay me, oryou goes. straight off to the station-
'ouse," as give me a frightful turn, a-knowin' as 1 might be there for
life, and nobody to get me out. So I was a-goin' to pay over agin,
when who should I.see but my JOB. I 'oilers "JOE'!" as loud as I
could scream, and over he comes, and glad I was, as he walked me off,
tho' I was aggrawated with 'im for not ,a-stoppin' to tell them as I
were respectable, for their remarks was werry free about me, partik'lar
the boys, as seem to me to'ave as much oheek as if'theywas bred and
born English, as we all knows is dreadful bad-mannered when not
kep' in their proper place, as young people did ought to be.


[OCTOBER 26, 1867.


N all the towns and cities fair
On Merry England's broad expanse,
No swordsman ever could compare
The dauntless lad could fairly hew
A silken handkerchief in twain,
Divide a leg of mutton too-
And this without unwholesome strain.
On whole half-sheep, with cunning trick,
His sabre sometimes he'd employ-
No bar of lead, however thick,
Had terrors for the stalwart boy.
At Dover daily he'd prepare
To hew and slash, behind, before-
Which aggravated MoNSIEUR PIERRE,
Who watched him from the Calais shore.
It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance,
The sight annoyed and vexed him so ;
He was the bravest man in France-
He said so, and he ought to know.
Regardez, done, ce cochon gros-
Ce polisson! Oh, sacr6 bleu!
Son sabre, son plomb, et ses gigots!
, Comme cela m'ennuye, enfin, mon Dieu
"II sait que les foulards de soie
Give no retaliating whack-
Les gigots morts n'ont pas de quoi-
Le plomb don't ever hit you back !"
But every day the headstrong lad
Cut lead and mutton more and more,
And every day, poor PIERRE, half mad,
Shrieked loud defiance from his shore.
HAwcE had a mother, poor and old,
A simple, harmless, village dame,
Who crowed and clapped as people told
Of WINTERBOTTOM'S rising fame.
She said, I'll be upon the spot
To see my ToMMY's sabre-play;"
And so she left her leafy cot,
And walked to Dover in a day.
PIERRE had a doting mother, who
Had heard of his defiant rage :
His ma was nearly ninety-two,
And rather dressy for her age.
At HANCE's doings every morn,
With sheer delight his mother cried;
And MoNsiEUR PIERRE'S contemptuous scorn,
Filled his mamma with proper pride.
But HANCE's powers began to fail-
His constitution was not strong-
And PIERRE, who once was stout and hale,
Grew thin from shouting all day long.

Their mothers saw them pale and wan,
Maternal anguish tore each breast,
And so they met to find a plan
To set their offspring' mind at rest.

Said Muas. HANCE, Of uurnie I shrinks
From bloodshed, ma'am, as you're aware,
But still they'd better meet, I thinks."
"Assurement!" said MADAME PEERRE.
A sunny spot in sunny France
Was hit upon for this affair;
The ground was picked by MRS. HANCE,
The stakes were pitched by MADAME PlanEs.
Said Mas. H., Your work you see-
Go in my noble boy, and win,"
"En garde, mon fils!" said MADAME P.
"Allons! Go on!" "En garde !" "Begin!'

(The mothers were of decent size,
Though not particularly tall;
But in the sketch that meets your eyes
I've been obliged to draw them small.)


OCTOBER 26, 1867.]


Loud sneered the doughty man of France,
Ho, ho! He! he! Ha! ha! Ha! ha!
"The French for 'Pish!'" said THOMAS IIANcE.
Said PIEaRE, L'Anglais, Monsieur, pour bah.' "
Said MRS. H., Come, one! two! three!-
We're sitting' here to see all fair;
Cest Magnifique!" said MADAME P.,
"Mais, parbleu! ce n'est pas la guerre "
"Je scorn un foe si lache que vous! "
Said PIERRE, the doughty son of France.
"I fight not coward foe, like you!"
Said our undaunted TOMMY HANCE.
"The French for Pooh!' o1 r ToeMYe cried.
"L'Anglais pour 'Va!' the Frenchman crowed,
And so with undiminished pride
Each went on his respective road.

WE have heard of "looking into a man; and it-would seem that
the police authorities believe to the fullest extent in such penetration
of sight as a not uncommon: gift among HER MAJESTY'S lieges. What
else would induce the guardians of the public peace to issue those
curiously minute descriptions of the missing Fenians, KELLY and
DEAsY, which refer to marks as profoundly hidden as the men who
carry them ? Not content with the enumeration of teeth which ar,
absent from the side or back of the jaw, where the deficiency is con-
cealed, or with the reference to scratches on those parts of the limbs
which are always covered by clothing, the writer of the bill which
promises a reward of 300 to the informant who shall aid in the
capture of the fugitives, actually alludes to a large scar inside the
belly" of one of them. Now, the notion of searching the abdominal
interior of a concealed Fenian captain for a cicatrice could never occur
to the mind of mortal policeman, if that mind were not thoroughly
imbued with transcendental theories of human vision. We hope that
some clairvoyant will speedily earnthe 300. At present the difficulty
seems to be in reconciling the visibility of DEASY's intestines with the
invisibility DEASY.

A Free (man) Translation.
Loan ARmncoon the other day made a very neat speech on the occa-
sion of a distribution of prizes in Ireland. The Freeuman's Journal
reports the address in full, and favours us with a bit of Latin-a prize
for the translation of which, we trust, was one of those distributed on
the occasion. Here is the passage:-
"I would beg you also to remember, in seeking what are falsely called the
favours of fortune, that the maxim of 1,700 years ago is as appropriate to our own
days as it was to days of old-
"' Nullem numeric, habit si, sit prudentia, nos facimus, fortune, dream, nos te
actogue locamis.'
With every wish that your future may be blessed by the result of your own
exertions in all that can render you virtuous, successful, and happy, I bid you
farewell. (Applause.)"
No wonder applause greeted this (according to the F. J.) elegant and
accurate quotation! It is to be regretted that his Lordship did not
finish the very apt extract-
"0 mihi, dident theatre porter maca mudelo fas sentence oflatin! "

Sheer Nonsense.
IN answer to numerous inquiries after NICHOLAS, we beg to place
before our readers the following paragraph from the Glasgow .Evening
In reference to a statement published this morning, of a Fenian raid n a
Volunteer armoury at C, in Reepham, Norfolkshire, we have just received the ol-
lowing special telegram from Norwich.
NICHOLAS was never superior to the temptation of a glass or a go. We
presume the two combined were too much for his loyalty.

Parliamentary Intelligence.
Mn. E. MIALL was lately invited by the electors of Bradford to
contest the representation of that borough in -the place of the late
MR. WICKHAM. We feel it our duty to contradict the possible rumour
that the M.P. for Westminster and ihe supporters of Female Suffrage
wished to bring forward a lady-candidate, on the ground that "a Miss
is as good as a MIALL "

Change of Name.
THE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE'S colt is to be known in future as Julius
Catsar-ewitcb, in memory of his great victory.


RIGHT shoulthcrs, bedad! (That's yer left, TERRY BEIERLEY !)
Kape on marchin', me boys, right away widout cease.,
'Tis a mighty fine night, and it's darkness entirely-
Let's go to the barracks to shoot some police.
Sure we've come all the way from Amerrikey, honeys,
To lead yez to freedom and tache yez yer dthrill-
Likewise for the sake av collection' yer moneys-
We'll take yer last shillin's, me boys, av ye will!
Av course, boys, ye'll thrust us, although we are strangers-
And thin, since our lives is such precious ones, sure,
Ye'll not moind, whin there's any apparence o' dangers,
Av our safety's the very first thing we secure.
Thin, onward to freedom, boys, onward so bould now,
Oh, be off, thin, and slarter all Saxons yez find-
But, yez see, since the nights is oncommonly could now,
We'll look arter yer money and jist stop behind.
Whist! Trayson among us? -a Saxon is pris'nt!
St'thrike one blow for Freedom and Liberty's sake!
Rimimber, my hayroes, ye're armed and he isn't-
We're st'throng, too, an' many, an' he's one an' wake.
But since yez might fetch them perlice wid the shindy-
Ere this great act of justice to Ireland yez do,
Jist wait till yer leaders has got out o' windy.
Sure, we!resafe now,-so go it, me boys!-philliloo!

Couleur de Rose.
Ix the reports on the Classes of the Paris Industrial Exhibition
prepared by order of the Committee of Council on Education, we read
that in Class 36, "Jewelleryand Precious Stones," M.CosTLER exhibits-
"A rose-pink diamond of some 29 carats, endowed with the extraordinary
property of becoming perfectly bleached by an exposure of some four minutes to
ordinary daylight. It recovers its rose colour at a gentle heat, and retains it for
any length of time'in darkness."
It is not quite clear to us how it is possible to determine its retention
of rose-colour under the condition specified, but so great is our con-
fidence in the luminaries representing England at the Exposition-
particularl your "black diamond," COLE-that we are quite willing
to believe they are able to see-in the dark! To be sure, the paragraph
we quote is from the Illustrated London News, in which the literary
matter, like the pictures, seems to be produced from blocks.

[ We cannot return rejected Hf88. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. 'We can take no notice of commnunica-
tions with illegible signatures or monograns.]
E. M. G. (Glasgow.)-You have omitted to send the envelope as stated.
We will, however, keep the MS. for a few days for you to correct the over-
BEATRICE.-Most complimentary, but our modesty will not allow us to
print it.
B.-We have no desire to consult your individual tastes at the expense of
numerous subscribers. You have made an ignorant blunder in your solu-
tion too confidently knocked off "in a few minutes."
PAWNEE.-The paddler faces the stern when he ceases to paddle, and
doesn't care where he is going, we fancy. Good morning!
C. H. (Weymouth.)-Send us the paper.
B. JUNioR.-You must B more than junior-mininmus to think leather"
rhymes with "ever." Nothing like leather could do that!
J. T. P. (Sheffield), cum multis aliis, will oblige us greatly by under-
standing, once for all, that our Acrostic department is fully supplied.
H. M. (Regent's-square.)-One of the most alarming symptoms con-
nected with Fenianism is, in our opinion, the frequent revival of that most
antique joke on Pat-riots.
S. C (Kimberley.)-Take our advice, and never attempt comic copy
again. We have had some experience, but we were prostrated by the
attempt to extract anything funny out of your MS.
SKINNEM.-The absence of the birds forms no excuse for your, pigeon'
into us!
A SMALL TRAVELLER.-Would you had gone over less paper!
E. P. (Shrewsbury.)-What you are so complimentary as to call the
Great Intellent Journal" has no mind to lend itself to your local jokes.
Declined with thanks :-L. E., Halifax; F. A. K., Brixton; A. M., Glas-
gow; Alumnus; T. F. B., Abbeybix; W. E., Cambridge; A. I. J.,
Gooch-street; B. P.; W. M., Bitteswell; A. H., Manchester; Xit,
Tower-street; B. H.; J. C., Praed-street; B. C. S., Thornhill-crescent;
J. H. D'E., Worcester; D. W. ; G. W. P.; Romeo; H. K., Manchester;
Stephens H. C. Q. R. ; W. A. S. ; Novice; X. Y. Z.; Sartorius; Rallinm,
Glasgow; D. D., Langham-street.

76 FI jN [OCTOBER 26, 1867.


I -


SIR,-From my earliest childhood I have adored arithmetic, which
people tell me is a dull and prosaic thing. I deny it!
To prove that it is the highest poetry I will tell my sad story.
I loved and was beloved again. I believed I was about to be united
to the object of my affections. I believed my state so fortunate that
I seemed to be in heaven. But hate-the hate of another, which has
followed me through life-dashed the cup of bliss from my lip.
In the first anguish of my loss I sat down and penned the following
lines. Though a little incoherent, as might be expected under the
circumstances, they are true poetry. I defy you or any one to deny
it.-Yours, etc., A. DisHrN.
6 +, -, x 8, 11,
2, 0, 1, 4, 1, 2, 8,
4, 0, x 4, 2, 1, 1, = 7,
8, 2, 2, x 10, 100, x 5, 8!*

Hoppera Omnia !
AN Iowa paper states that a train on the North Western Railway, in
the western part of the province was delayed an hour and a quarter by
grasshoppers, which covered the track so thickly that the engine
slipped on the rails." We suspect that the only hoppers concerned in
this extraordinary story are "tiddyhoppers! "
Our correspondent will, we fear, hardly persuade any one that his lines are in
the least degree approaching to poetry. We read them thus :-Six, add, divided
by, of eight, eleven, two, cipher, unity, four, one, two, eight, four, nought, of four,

THOUGH the planet of Love has grown dimmer
And threatens to vanish from sight-
Though the pale star of Hope gives a glimmer,
And nought but a glimmer, to-night-
Still the planet and star are above me,
And neither has left me for good;
Though my lady refuses to love me
She says that she would if she could.
They have plighted her troth to another;-
She bends to the cruel command
Of a tyrannous father and mother,
Which severs the heart and the hand.
When I pleaded my depth of devotion
She said- or I misunderstood-
That she might not encourage the notion,
But certainly would if she could.
Can I ever be happy, I wonder,
With anyone else for a wife ?
No; the Fates that have torn us asunder
Have made me a Coelebs for life.
But I've still a reflection to cheer me
And brighten my bachelorhood-
Yes; my love in declining to hear me
Confessed that she would if she could.

THE latest novelty in fire-arms is a gun which is capable
discharged with a reprimand.

c of being

two, unit, one, equals seven, eight, two, two, of ten, minus, hundred, of five,
eight ;-or to put it in the form of verse :- NOTICE.-On November the 4th, price Twopence,
Sick, sad, divided by of hate a leaven,
To sigh for unity-for one to wait- FUN ALMANACK,
For nought of fortunate, won, equals Heaven! Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, cngraord by the
Hate-too, too often mine-us sundered. Oh fie, fate DALZIEL BROTHERS.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, PhcrnLx Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) byW. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
October 26, 1867.

NOVEMBER 2, 1867.]


AND P, ;

ONCE, under Spain's enfeebling sun,
Twin brothers lived with me,
And, personality to shun,
I call them A. and B.
They loved each other-that they did,
'Twas rumoured near and far,
But from the time each was a kid
Were most dissimilar.
A. had a pair of monstrous eyes,
B.'s eyes were awful small;
B.'s nose attained a fearful size,
A. had no nose at all.
A.'s hair reached, when he shook it out,
The middle of his leg;
B.'s little head was just about
As bald as any egg.
B. had a thin and taper waist,
A. had no waist at all;
A. was too short for proper taste,
B. just as much too tall.
And for his benefit I say
Who further knowledge seeks,
The one had Civil Service pay,
The other wrote critiques.
They meekly bore their painful lots,
Men shunned them as a cuss :
And little tiny todding tots
Would babble at them thus:
"We don't believe you're human kind-
We would not on your oath-
So unconceivably designed,
Exaggerations both!"

And A.'d reply, "It's very true
That I am much too short;
And. B., I must admit that you
Teo tall by half are thought."
"But why this taunt from every curb,
In bold defiance hurled ?
The average we don't disturb-
We wouldn't for the world!
" If you complain we're badly planned,
Why all you've got to do
Is, add us beth together and
Divide the sum by two!"
The notion pleased the simple lad,
He thought it quaintly rare,
It soon became his favourite fad
To sing it everywhere.

"Divide us, please! they would exclaim,
With unabated noise,
A mania it at length became
With these afflicted boys.
A Turk there was-BEN OUSEFF named,
An armourer by trade
(He was the maker of the famed
One shilling Damask b!ade.")
These lads their little joke would shout
At peaceful OUSEFr's side,
And took delight in screaming out,
Divide us-pray, divide! "
The quaint conceit amused him much, *
He'd laugh, and would declare
With all his honest heart, that such
A jest was passing rare!
Encouraged in their mirthful play
They'd scream and yell and shout,
Divide us, please !" till he would say,
Enough, my friends-get out."
But still they screamed and would not list,
Divide us, monstrous men!"
< Well, since upon it you insist,
I will," said honest BEN.
Your joke is getting stale and trite,
You shan't offend again."
And then he smote a mighty smite,
And cleft them into twain!

They shammed no meretricious glee
At OUSEFF's handiwork;
A. felt it very much, and he
Said sternly to the Turk:
" This is a quibble, sir, and what
Sharp practice people call-"
It's what you asked for! No, it's not-
By no means-not at all! "

I often wish I knew how they
Drain their unpleasant cup :
I only know that B. and A.
Were terribly cut up.
Perhaps they lived in severed bliss-
Perhaps they groaned and died-
Perhaps they joined themselves like this,
And gave their legs a ride.

Warranted not to Fade.
How did Mn. GEORGE PEABODY write his six-figure cheques for the
benefit of the London poor ? With sympathetic ink.





[NOVEMBER 2, 1867.

SNOTHER great smash
-the failure of the
Royal Bank of Liver-
pool-proves that we
are not yet out of
3 "the whirlpool pro-
duced by the late
panic. And itisto be
feared that this crash
is not likely to be the
last. Every such fall.
shakes other edifices
of card-or Bank-
note paper-and pre-
sently they topple
down. Meanwhile,
the unsettled state of
Europe keeps the
money market at fever
heat, and there seems
Little chance of an
early improvement.
Luckily, the Em-
did not carry out his
notion of intervention
the other day, or by
this time, probably,
a great European war
-- would have been
heralded by the first
Salvo of artillery fired
by either side-France or Italy. Let us hope that the cannons won't
"go off" as an invitation to "come on!"
THE law is is in a strange position as regards the prize ring, and the
sooner an alteration is made with respect to that noble institution the
better. It is absurd to think that respectable railway companies and
active and intelligent police officers may combine to send off special
trains-to commit a breach of the peace. Surely if MACE is amenable
to the law for the mere intention of fighting, police-constable A 1, who
aided the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway in abetting those
who were to assist at the said breach of the peace, must come into the
same category with MACE. I see Bell's Life speaks of the probable
and proximate decease of the noble pastime. And when Bell's Life
begins to think that, I fancy the Ring must feel uncomfortable. For my
part, though I think it a brutal sport, yet I am not sure I could vota
for iis extinction. When fists go out, knives come in; and I believe it
will be found, that with the decline of the science in late years, there
has been an increase of stabbing cases. Here's a job for one of those
devoted creatures who delight in drawing up statistics-who can tell
how many horseshoe nails are picked up in the London streets per
annum, and what is the proportion of married women with a cast in
the eye to the rest of the sex, and other equally important matters.
It would really be worth knowing how many .people are stabbed
annually in these days when boxing is in disrepute, and how many in
the good old times, when every gentleman could put up his hands
scientifically. I know for a fact, that, among the Cornish miners,
who wrestle but can't spar, the use of the knife is far too common.
WHAT a splendid autumn we are having. I had occasion the other
day to travel westward through Bucks and Berks and I think I never
saw autumn foliage so rich in tint. The leaves have not yet begun to
fall much, so that the woods are in full clothing-but not of greenery.
Red, gold, purple, and russet, in glorious contrast, make one half
inclined to believe that an autumn on the Hudson can scarcely be
more brilliant. I trust MR. LEADER has noted the peculiarity of the
season and that we shall see some memorials of this lovely autumn in
the Royal Academy of 1868.
THE Paris Exhibition may remain open a little longer. It is said to
be at the special request of the Emperor in order that all his subjects
may have an opportunity of seeing the show. Whether this is the
case or not of course one can't say, but it looks very much as if it was a
further extension of the time for getting in a little money. The show
has not been "ran after" (as a grammarian happily phrased it in the
Telcaraph the other day) so extensively as was expected, but no
doubt the scheme has been a sufficiently paying one. If it is not, then
we may feel assured no such exhibition ever will pay, for every possible
" concession "-even of the right to sit down-was made with a view
to turning a little profit.

No. 34.
AT Athens they're going to make him
A citizen chiel from henceforth;
Well! unless people sadly mistake him,
He always was very far North."

In savage hordes the Northlmen came
And gave the land to sword and flame.
And when you've leart the Northman's name,
You'll see that this word is the same.
His bright and brittle ware,
He brought to England o'er
From Italy the fair-
From proud Venetia's shore.
On this blue beauty, I opine,
Mee different verdicts pass-
Some like it on the banks of Rhine-
And others in a glass.
One -whom the poets rave about
With most romantic feeling-
In real life he is, no doubt,
A rogue much given to stealing.
By the sad sea waves where the curlews whistle,
Unless you're an ass, you'll discover the thistle.
7. .
If high out of water you're sailing
This party's a cure for that ailing.
Uncommonly sad-
In fact almost mad-
Over mountain and plain she was driven-by gad!

AnswER TO AcnosTIc No. 32.
o Cow W
I Ich II
R Rabbi I
C Colt T
E Eclipse E
CoRa.CT SOLUTIOn S OF ACaOSTIC NO. 32, RECmIVED OC'ro ea 23rd:- Ruby ;
Walker; Erin-go-Bragh; Vampyre; Mark Tapley; Pedro; Jussie; Clinch;
E. T.; W. A. W.; B. aM. Brompton; Sweedlepipes; Piggevian; Yerrap; Pothah
Four Firs; J. R.; Paravassa; Varney the V.; Tin Bobbin; Valentine ; Nous
vincit; Engineers out of work; Tummy; Foer Boobies; S. & K.; Bunnie, P.
E. W. I. & i. W. L.; D. E. H.; Carry Rose A; Bow ; Emily of S.; C. B. II.,
Chester; Sid; Laura G.; Printer's Devil; Gyp; Towhit; Scarr Wheel; Xarifa
A. J. 11.; A. B. Z.; Ci Mawr; Constance; J. W.; Nanny's Pet; Bad Knee; R.
B. H.; Sheernasty; Tiny Ditton; A Gowk; Crathces; 0. K., Brighton; The Lang-
ham Anchorite; Polar; It. Y.; Old Trafford; 11. AM. G. ; (Edipus Brothers
Bolivar; Buliwood; Wag; Harrow Weald.

Touching Incident.
A WELL authenticated instance of the affection displayed by the
brute creation when well treated by their masters, occurred a few days
since on the occasion of a wedding in the family of a country gentle-
man. The happy pair were on the point of setting out for their
honeymoon, when the carriage horse, an old servant, a gallant grey,
cast his shoe at the carriage. To the sceptic who suggests that the
wearing out of the shoe was the cause of the occurrence, we reply,
Truth is stranger than Friction.

Who'll Eat Me ?
A TASMANIAN paper states that the pigs which CAPTAIN COOK landed
in New Zealand have so multiplied, that landlords offer rewards for
killing them-(do they kill pigs for nothing in England ?)-but the
paper strangely enough omits to add that sage grows there in rank
luxuriance, and that onions are plentiful as blackberries, weighing on
an average 6 b. each. There is also a fair supply of knives and forks,
but napkins and finger-glasses are scarce.

NOVEMBER 2, 1867.] F J 79

ACT I. SCENE 1.-Exterior of OLINsxA'S Apartments. Night. Sentry
on, Battlements.
MAZEPPA.-Olinska, the dewy night is, &c.-the soft beams of early
zephyrs will soon, &c., and under these circumstances I call on thee to
come forth!
OLINSKA (coming from chamber into balcony).-My Cassimir!
SENTRY.-Ha, a conversation! It must be the wind. I will report
the phenomenon to my employers. [Exit to do so.
OLINSKA.-I am to be married to the Palatine !
MAZEPPA.-Never! I will prevent it. [Exit to do so.
Flourish. Enter the CASTELLAN and Suite.
CASTELLAN.-My dotter, you are this day to be marryed to' the
OLINSKA.-This is indeed sudden.
CASTELLAN.-It is. It is now 4 a.m., and I expect him here at 5.
At 5.30 a.m. the nuptials will take place.
MEssENGEn.-My Lord, even now a princely eaval aOe can be
distinguished by the naked instance. t.
CASTELLAN.-It must be the Palatine. They have 'walkpdc.Lovr fro.m
Warsaw before breakfast.
Enter immediately the Palatine's Procession from_'~lght. The PARW IA itWr
himself in a Tent Bedstead. M]Essmxenn suddenly points crf RlhVt.
It is observed that the Nobility of Poland wear their frioeks fstened
behind, and do not wash behind their ears.
OLINSKA.-Ah me !
THE PALATINE (suddenly appearing from behind curtains of Tent Bed).
Boh! 'Tis hi! [Awkwardpaeuses.
OLINSKA (aside to Castellan).-Go on, it's you.
CAST.-Eh ? I think not.
Ghostly Whisper.-My Lord, I THANK you for this hontour !
CAST.-My Lord, I thank you for this honour.
PALATINE.-The orty Olinska will soon be my-iene!
CAST. (aside.)-This is going flat. (Aleoud.)-We'd lbettie geti on
with the toornymong.
Grand toornymong. Knights in crumpled armour prod their horss'wilth
their swords, and engage. General triumph of everybody in turn, and
all at the same time. Everybody crowned-no blanks.
SCENE 2.-The PALATINE'S private apartment.
PALATINE.-It were a right royal spectacle! But if the orty
Castellan had spent less money on his toornymong, and more on fur-
nishing his guests' chamber, it would have been better.
Enter MAZEPPA, cloaked and masked.
MAZEPPA.-I have come to kill thee.
PALATINE.-Does it not occur to you that this is an uncalled-for
liberty ?
MAZEPPA.-It does. But no matter. There is a sword. Fight.
[PALATINE takes sword, fghts, and is killed.
EvETYBODY.-'Tis Cassimir who killed him.
CAsT.-Then tie him to the wild horse of Tartary!
MAZEPPA.-This is too awful. True, the horse is a compatriot, but
to be lashed to his back I Ah, 'tis a fearful doom! [ Tableau.
SCENE 3.-Eligible .Building Plot in Poland. ATTENDANTS bringing in the
Wild Horse. IAZEPPA is tied on to his back, all scream, and the horse
trots off. Tableau.
THAMAB.-The crown will one day be mine. Then I will buy a
jacket that is big enough for me.
Enter PEASANTS screaming.
PEASANTs.-The wild horse of the Volpas! He is coming!
(The wild horse of the Volpas trots across the stage with MAZEPPA on
his back.)
SCENE 2.-Another part of Tartary. Enter THAMAR.
THAMAA.-The crown must some day be mine. Then, ha! ha! a
new helmet.
PEASANT- i., horse of the Volpas!
CoMIc PEASANT (to give a local colouring) The wild 'orse of the
Wollopers !
Enter the wild horse of the Volpas as before. Shrub falls on him. Wild
horse(a nervous animal) faints. Enter the KHAN.
KnHAN.-Ha! This is evidently my long-lost son, Mazoppa. Twenty

years ago, when only three weeks old, he ran away to Poland, and I
have never seen him since. Bear him to my chamber!
THAMAA.-Then the crown will not be mine! But I will be
avenged The jacket and the helmet shall yet be mine !
KHAN.-Bring out the cheap Mazeppa banner that we've always
kept in readiness for an event of this description!
The Atazoppa banner ready emblazoned is brought forth with pomp.
SCENE 3.-Interior of KiHAN's tent. MAZEPPA borne in senseless on litter.
Enter KHAN.
KHAN. My long lost son! I will take a nap.
[Goes to sleep on the floor. MAZEPPA wakes up.
MAZEPPA. Ha! Where am I. (Looks out of tent.) The name on the
street-corner says Tartary. Have I then ridden over from Poland, iight
through Russia into Tartary? It must be so! It must have take
me about eighteen months to accomplish the journey, and yet,
although I have been tied hand and foot to a wild horse for that
considerable time, and have had nothing to eat or drink, here I am
beautifully clean and as fat as ever. A little more, and it would have
been almost miraculous. I will celebrate my deliverance by some
appropriate gesticulation.
Defies thllght~ing ; overhears a conspiracy; ties his sandal; kills Abel;
triunmphs over Satan; impeaches Warren Hastings; salutes C'esar, the
emperor ; bids farewell to all his greatness; carries offthe Sabine Womnen;
leaps into the Gulf in the Forum ; orders offthat bauble ; rises from the
sea ; 9nurders23izzio, and exit to see what sort of a night it is.
ENTER T stha r ant) d CoHspfr0tsir.f .
Ti tAmAm-Now to sttike the bul-low tlikti make me master of
Tartaria and a newsuit'! Die, thott aged Can !
The KHAN starts up, defends hInMelf aNd is alihost overpowered when
3MAZEPPA comes to his resetue. The. KtAN takes noew courage and he
and 31AZEPPA finally triumph over the whole body of conspirators.
Tableau (MAZi.PPA, KHAN). The meeting of Wellington and
Blueher after Waterloo."
MAzEPrA-And now to conquer Poland!
KuAw (not unnaturally).-But why Poland ?
MAt-prA.--Because my Olinska; whom I love, is there.
]isksh (pjtitly);-Quite so [Excunt to conquer Toland.
ACT' III.-Poland. Preparations for marriage of the PALATINE.
CoMte S.-Nearly everything I have to say has a double entendre,
and I stagger about the stage as if intoxicated. My performance
throughout this part is considered the best imitation of drunkenness
ever seen in a British theatre. But where are the wandering Tartar
acrobats who are to perform before the Mighty Palatine ?
Enter the KHAN, MAZEPPA, and others, disguised.
MAZsrPPA.-Wo are here! (Aside) To-day she is to be married to
the Palatine. We are, as usual, just in time.
Enter OLINSKA, in high spirits, being about to be married to some one
she hates.
MAZFPPA (aside).-Olinska-do not start-'tis I! We walked over
from Tartary this morning. We were three hours crossing Russia.
OLINSKA.-My Cassimir!
Tui CA6TELLAN.-Let the a-sporruts commence.
Enter thousands of sham acrobats, who take Poland by force of arms.
Combats of two everywhere. Violent death of all OmNSKA's relations,
and ecstacy of OLINSKA herself, who, we hope, will enjoy the chatye from
civilized Poland to barbarian Tartary. Fires of all sorts, and triumph
of Tartaria. Banners emblematic of the victory (always kept ready)
produced at the moment of Poland's downfall. Flourish. Curtain.
OunsELvEs.-Fine old crusted absurdity; very well mounted, and
always worth seeing. MAZEPPA's dresses in first and third acts worth
(probably) millions; in second act, about fourpence-halfpenny.

Tupper'nce more, and up goes, etc."
WE have been inundated with letters asking us to inform their
writers what is the correct sum to give to the TuPPErt Testimonial.
We think-more especially as it is stated that no account of the money
will be rendered-that a tupper-ny subscription will be the best thing
under the circumstances.

None so Dusty!
THE contractor for St. Margaret's and St. John's, Westminster, has
to pay three hundred and fifty pounds per annum for the privilege of
clearing the parish dust-bins. He has to be down with his dust, in
short, before he can take up that of other people!

80 IF I.J N. [Kov~mERL~ 2, 1867.


z w~r- -C-

>-_ la

The little boy has strict orders to watch old Stoutman's float, and to wake him up in case of a bite. Of course he obeys !
[MoRAL.-If you want anything done, there's nothing like doing it yourself.

FROM OUR STALL. expires at the conclusion of the piece, and the lady marries No. 1. Al
this is very well, but rather tediously explained by MR. WATTS
A TWO-ACT farce, by MR. MADDIsoN Mo rTO, If I Ead A Thousand PHILLIPS. The performance of the drama is capital. MR. BELMORE
A-Year, has been brought out at the Olympic. Last week we corn- plays admirably, but is a little too slow.- MR. BILLINGTON's make-up
plained that MR. CHARLES MATHEWS was playing the same parts week is most artistic. Miss HERBERT looks elegant, but plays without much
after week and month after month; and this week we have to con- passion, and MRS. BILLINGTON makes a small part prominent by
gratulate him on his appearance in a character which suits his light and playing it delightfully.
lively manner exactly. There is very little plot in the new adaptation,
but the writing is fluent and clever. Here, for instance, is a neat pun.
The wife is finding fault with her husband fornot being contented with A ME WS MENT.
his lot. "That's all very well," is the answer, "but it's not a lot-it's MINE be-an anything you like,
only a little." As a matter of course, the leading part is played by A cot, a palace, or an attic,
MR. MATanws; he scarcely leaves the stage for a minute throughout For extra comforts I don't strike,
the two acts, and carries off the piece triumphantly on his own My ways will never be erratic.
shoulders, He is Mr. Paddington Green, a clerk in Somerset House, I live a lowly sort of life,
with four hundred a-year for a salary, looking barely thirty-dressing My habits are misogynistic;
in admirable taste-and pattering like a storm in harvest. MR. I shudder at the name of wife,
HORACE WIGAN, as an M.P. who calls himself independent and seems And think celibacy artistic.
to be everybody's slave, plays with a good deal of humour. Miss
LouIsA MOORE has to dress prettily and look lovely; she does it as I've simple joys above the mews
nicely as though nothing in the world were easier. Some people are Which border on my dwelling humble,
born with it-we mean the loveliness, not the costume. MRS. ST. The winter chills, and summer stews, -
HENRY plays with effect the part of a handsome and rather tyrannical And orightes clink-Ithe traps of faneveshion whirle.
wife. The farce is deservedly a success. All night the traps of fashion whirl,
The new Adelphi drama, AMaud's Peril, is also a success. The four And female imprecations linger,
acts are very long and must be cut without mercy, but the piece is And when I wake, the ostler's girl
admirably put upon the stage and admirably acted. We fear that, Plays "Not for Joseph" with one finger!
inasmuch as the Adelphi scenery-hitherto unenviably proverbial-is
concerned, our critical occupation is henceforward lost. The four A Good Haul.
scenes of Maud's Peril are charmingly painted. The story of the piece Two friends of ours went out fishing off Margate the other day.
is conventional enough. A young lady marries a baronet; her old They only caught one pla(i)ce, but that was a big one-the bottom of
love, supposed dead, suddenly turns up. The lady, who has been to the channel.
see Macbeth in her youth, takes to walking in her sleep, and betrays
the secret of her early love to the baronet. Of course the baronet "EVERYTHING by turns and nothing long."-A kaleidoscope.

FUN.-NOVEMBER 2, 1867.


NOVEMBER 2, 1867,] F U I 83

MR S. BRO WN 1N AMERIC A. alone bein' mauled about by 'is dirty 'ands as soiled me dreadfully,
AnouT NEw YORK AND BROOKLYN. and if M SKDim.-iE 'adn't gone on ever so far afore she mit-cld mre
out of the car through a-meetin' a friend in it, she said as she gof.
I'M sure it's a mercy as I'm alive to tell the tale, for what with one a-talkin' with. I don't think as ever I felt more shook and bruised
thing and what with another, one would think as the 'Merrykins was than I were when that nigger set me down on something' as provod to
bent on my distraction, for of all the people to worret and fidget as be white wash. As for the old man as I'd pulled off the car, he was
ever I see, the 'Merryhins beats 'em, as just suits BRowN, but I can't uncommon short, a-sayin' as he should miss a appointment all through.
ashear bein' 'urried and drove to death, and as to Brooklyn, where we me. MRe. SKIDnstxO, she come back for me and wanted to 'urry tue
went to stop along with JOE's wife's aunt on the mother's side, why on, but I says, It's all werry well for you, mum, as I've 'card say
it's a lovely place no doubt, with trees a-growin' all about the streets come from a Buffalo to go on like that, but don't suit me as am only
quite natural, but I can't say much for the pavement, as is that uneven flesh and blood." She says, "What do you mean by calling' me a
as it throws you down at every turn, as the saying' is; but howeverr they Buffalo?" I says, "You told me yourself as you was one." She
come to build it on the other side of the water, with no bridge for to says, I come from the place called Buffalo." I says, Well, if you
carry you safe over, with what they calls a steam ferry as were werry will call places such ridiculous names you must take the consequence."
nigh my death, and all thro' MRS. SKIDMORE and 'er daughter, as were The' when I come to think on it, p'raps, Buffalo aint a word to call
Joe's wife's aunt's name, a-goin' over with me to New York. a lady, as is wild characters, an' I remembers 'earin' niggeis sing
Well, we took it werry gently to the top of the 'ill as the ferry is at the about 'em in London a-comin' out by night for to dance by the light
bottom on, and jest as we got to the ferry as the ground slopes werry of the moon, as is not going's on as I should 'old with myself.
much down to, MBB. SKIDMORE says, "'Urry up, for we're jest in time," I should not 'ave minded arf so much the way as I were flustered,
and off she sets with JULIA a-draggin' me on. We gets thro' the gate, and with my things tore off my back with that car, but I was dreadful 'urt
on I were a-rushin' when the man says to me, 'Old on! as in course with MBs. SKIDMonE, as 1 'eard a-talking to the lady as lives with 'cc
I thought he meant me to keep on, and so I did, and if that ferry-boat about me, and said as I were a regular old cuEs to go out with, as
didn't glide away jest as I put my foot on it, and into the water I hadn'tt no proper use in my legs, and if that other party-for I'd scorn
goes with a flop as you might 'ave heardd for miles round. As for me, even to call her a fieldmale- didn't say as I looked like a regular old
I was a-gugglin' and a-strugglin' a-kickin' about, and don't remember buccaneer (I thought I should 'ave dropped, and says to BRowN, whea
nothing' but a thump on the 'ead, and then bein' dragged up violent he come in, as I'd rather go to the work'ouse than live in sich a place
with a 'ook in my back-gethers. I was ever so long afore I was with sich awful langwidge used about me), as BuowN only made it.
myself, and there I was with everything on me drenched thro' and worse by a-tellin' me asshemeantas Iwere one as liked a drop,thro'my
thro', with my umbreller gone, and my redicule floated right out to sea. face bein' that red as is all owin' to the sea-water, as regular pickled
Mes. SKIDMORB she did put me out, for if she didn't say as she me thro' not a-wearing a wail a-board ship, like a many as I see.
'ollered to me to wait for the next boat, while I can take my 'Davy, as So, carter that, there were a coolness twixtt me and Mia. SaunmIoMi.,
the saying' is, as JULIA pulled me slap into the water thro' a-jumpin' and made me take to my bedroom, and would 'ave stopped there only
on board the boat, as I were not up to the ways on. but for a Mas. CHAUecaE, as come to live in the house and a light,-
They squeezed away at me for to dry me, but, bless you, I was in 'arted party, as were uncommon good company. So I went out a good.
sich a pickle as I says, I must go back but, bless you, there ain't bit with 'er, and that's 'ow it were as I see a good deal about 'Merryker,
ne'er a cab to be 'ad for love nor money. I says to Mas. SKIDMOxa, not as ever I shall take to their ways, for my green barege is downright
"Walk I can't, and as to going' in them cars, as don't take you near sp'ilt with their baccy juice, as they might as well keep to theirselves,
the door, I won't." "Well," says she, "then we must get a car- as I said to a party as set next to me in the car, and kep' a spittin' so
riage," and so she did arter a time, and 'ome I went in it; and if the I says to 'im That's great waste." He says, How ?" as is "What
feller didn't take and charge me pretty nigh ten shillin's. did you say ?" in'Merrykin. So I says, "If you're so fond of that baccy
I don't think as ever I know'd what rheumatics were afore that why spit it out F" He says, "Why, you're enough to make anyone
time, as kep' me in bed over a week, and JoE obligated to go 'ome laff itselff sick." No," I says, "it's the baccy as is doin' that," and
without me, thro' his wife bein' took ill sudden, as is a sure sign as jest as I were a-talking a feller as were the wuss for drink begun a-
troubles never comes single, as the sayin' is. disputin' with the conductor about 'is fare, as he said as he'd paid,
I never can forget, the' I hopess as a Christian I forgives, the way which I know'd to be a falsity, for I'd been a-watchin' 'im ever since
as MRS. SKIDMORE went on with BRowN, a-sayin' as it were my own hb got in, through 'is a-settin' oppersite, and a-keepin' a-droppin' off,
fault as I fell in the water, whereas it were 'er doin', as is a regular being 'eavy in 'is eyes through drink.
push and drive woman as 'ave worreted three husbandss into the grave, So when he said as he'd paid, I says, "No, my good man, you 'ave
and is a mask of skin and bone herself So I says to Binow v, "I'd not, though, no doubt, you cannot recollect through your state." He
rather stop in this bed for ever than go out with that old weasel agin," says sich low words as I would not repeat, was it ever so, and the oon-
and so I would; but law, it's foolishness to say as you won't do doctor ketched 'old on 'im to turn 'im out, and if the feller didn't
nothing, for as sure as you Eays so, you're obligated to break your ketch 'old of my arm. So I 'oilers, "Let go." A sanctified-lookmn'
word-leastways that's 'ow it always is with me; and so it -proved feller as 'ad jest get in, says, Go with 'im, it's your duty." I says,
about Mas. SKIDMORE, for I was jest a-gettin' over the cold as the "'You must be as drunk as he is." He give me a look, and says, "Is
water 'ad give me thro' never bein' used to it, as in course don't come he not thine husbandd F" I says, Go on, you idjot."
natural to human bein's, but all werry well for fish, as is a cold-blooded By that time they'd got the drunken feller out of the car, and pitched
lot. I was a-gettin' on werry nicely, when Mns. SKIDMOnE says to 'im into the road, and on goes the ear, and me -settin' a-lookin' sawago
me, It would do you a world of good to get out a bit." I says, No at that party as 'ad took the feller for my husband when I heardd a.
doubt, but I ain't a-goin' to cross that there steam ferry no more." crash of glass a-breakin, and got a blow on the 'cad and a lump of
She says, "No, we'll go out to Coney Island, as is a lovely spot." So I mud in my face, and if it wasn't that drunken-wretch as 'ad took up a
says, "'Owever will you get there, if it's a hiland, and not cross the lot of stones and dirt, and throwed it at the car and broke two or three
water?" Oh," says she, "the cars takes you." Well," I says, winders, and give the serious man a crack on the nose as made it bleed.
"I've only got one thing to say, as them cars must stop for me or I So 1 says to 'im, "Use your 'ankercher for goodness sake, and don't
don't go;" for, bless you, them 'Merrykins will jump on and offwhile be a beast." He said as he 'adn't got one, and if I 'adn't to lend 'im
the train's in motion, and leave a widder and orphins afore the day is mine in self-defence, or I should 'ave 'ad my clothes all ruined with'is
out and think nothing of it, the' went out in full healthh to business in gory ways, as wanted to give me back my 'andhercher then and there.
the morning as happenedd two streets off where we were a-shoppin', and I says, It ain't no great value, so keep it." I gets out of the car,
her youngest only five days old, as didn't seem to mind nothink-so and if he didn't foller. He says, "Where dost thou abide F" "Isays,
long as he were buried decent, and the housee like a fair all the time, as No, thank you; I don't want no 'quaintances made promiscous, and
would 'ave drove me mad, the' in course a true friend in affliction is you're welcome to it." He says, "Thou are a friend m tribulation," and
what every one is glad to see; so, as I was a-sayin', either stop the car, if he didn't keep on a-follerin' me, till at last I stops and says, Be so
or on it I don't put my foot. good as to take your way, for my husbandd don't 'old with no follerers, so
So she promised me faithful as she'd stop the car, and oft we sets, I wish you good day." He says, "I hope I may see thee next Sabbath!.
and gets to the corner where we was to meet that car as come along I says, "P'raps you may and p'raps you mayn't," and turns off, but E
werry gradual and stops for us; leastways for Mas. SKIDMORE, as felt as that party were a-follerin' me, and 1 keop' a-dodgin' about for
'opped up like a bird for lightness, and I was a follerin' 'er and 'ad to get rid on 'im till at last I were that tired that I were forced to
got my foot on the step, when on goes the thing a-draggin' me with go 'ome, and as I got up the steps I caught sight of that chap a-poepin'
one foot on the ground and the other on the step. Parties as was round the corner, as made me feel all overish like, for I can't abear
standing' on the step, as is their ways, 'auled and pulled at me for to bein' watched, and when I did get in they was a-waitin' supper, and
get me up, but law bless you, all as I did was to pull a old feller, in a MRS. SKIDMOE begun a-sayin' as I'd been out a skylarkin',as is ways
straw 'at, right eff into the road, and there we was a-layin' and I don't 'old with.
another car a-comin' in the oppersite direction as would'ave been over
our bodies but for a coloured party as they calls them niggers as pulled
me up by main force, and nearly dislocated me from 'ead to foot, let THE PINK or PIRFECTIno.-The one "in at the death."


|NOVEMBER 2, 1867.

--El-H L YV


6 -
1' -
A ______________
/ I I I' I
t-------------' -,

Now that everybody in Barsetshire (and of course we know very
well what is meant by everybody, for who thinks anybody somebody
who is not amongst those heavenly bodies which makeup his own peculiar
constellation ?)-now, I say, that everybody in Barsetshire is happily
married, or, as in the case of poor Mrs. Proudie, otherwise beyond the
reach of Lady Lufton's influence, there remains to add only a post
scriptum to that chronicle, which has engaged the reader's as well as
the writer's attention for the last thirty years. Not that any of the
people about whom we have talked so comfortably were really beyond
the influence of this warm-hearted lady; it might have been better to
substitute the word interference, but, then, interference is an ugly
word; and though Lady Lufton was a managing woman, it was so
evident that she wished to manage everybody for their own good.
Some people there are who decline to have good done to them; others,
again, take kindly to the process, and like Mark Robarts, after a
period of restiveness, run quite quietly in harness, and are willing to
receive any number of benefits with amazing placability. They were
all married then. Major Grantley and his sweet, quiet little Grace
had come home from the wedding tour; had received the blessing,
accompanied with a present, consisting of eleven hundred and nineteen
MS. sermons, from the father of the bride, who was looking stouter,
and had consented to eat his dinner for three days running, and were
now contemplating a visit to London. In truth, this journey to the
metropolis was a deep conspiracy, in which Mark Robarts and his wife,
as well as Mrs. Arabin, had joined; not, indeed, that the Dean's wife
was to join the party. There were reasons not altogether unconnected
with married life which would prevent, but Mrs. Major Grantley had
a ready ally in Lily Dale, and Mark Robarts had occasion to refer to a
volume in the library in Sion College, London (he was reading hard
at Divinity now), and his dear, tender-hearted little wife was quite
anxious to take all the children; but Lady Lutton would in no wise
permit this, and ordered them peremptorily to be sent to the Hall.
The expedition, or rather the reason for it, had to be kept a great
secret, or Mr. Crawley would have preached a two hours' sermon to
prove how vain and foolish it all was. For, in truth, it was organized

for the sole purpose professedlyy that is-we may have our own
opinions about the singleness of eye which characterises feminine
shopping) of buying the materials for anew surplice for that venerable
gentlemen. Shall it be denied-nay, can it ?-that the object was, after
all, an excuse for a visit to that most attractive ecclesiastical precinct,
the Churchyard of St. Paul.
It is doubtful whether the Grantleys would have understood the
pleasure of such a visit. Certainly, Viscountess Dumbello had never
been there in her life since she went with the Archdeacon to hear the
charity children sing. Mrs. Thorne, when, she was Miss Dunstable,
had been there often enough for a lark," as she said in her frank,
jolly manner, and had listened to the blandishments of the young men
behind the mercers' counters, and had laughed at them and vexed
them, and afterwards bought no end of things that she didn't want,
and written big cheques for the amount, yes, and had gone to the
pastrycook's afterwards, she and her companion, and eaten mock turtle
soup. It is a wonderful place that pastrycook's-not the one where
worshippers at Saint Paul's and some say even certain church digni-
taries were, if they are not still-supplied with eleemosynary bottled
stout and port wine, on condition of paying sixpence for a halfpenny
bun, during church time-not that, but the other one, the one where
we may meet (as Miss Dunstable before she was Mrs. Thorne had met)
examples from pastors and masters from high to low, from men like
dear old Mr. Harding, who made a practice of taking his soup there
when he came to town, to Archdeacon Grantley himself, who conde-
scended only to sherry and a brown biscuit.
It was here that the ladies sat down to wait for Mark Robarts, after
they had filled a cab with parcels.
Now, where was Mark Robarts all this time? Where, indeed?
Could Lady Lufton but have known! But she couldn't. He was
doing no harm, however. He was looking in at a shop window where
plated goods and cut-glass lustres were exhibited. Inside, a man was
selling, or pretending to sell, great bargains; but Mark Robarts had
had enough of bargains ever since that transaction about the famous
hunter. He was thinking of this, when suddenly the tones of the
auctioneer struck familiarly on his ear. He looked up and peeped
through the doorway. Come in, sir; never say die !" said a voice
at his elbow. It was the tout of the establishment, and that tout was
Tom Tozer. The auctioneer was Sowerby. Fiat justitia.

NOVEMBER 2, 1867.]


A cuny is rais'd throughout these isles
From lips of lord and lazy lackey,
Complaining NICoTINA's wiles
Prevent the cheer of lo! BACCHE !
There's not a smoker in the land
But mingles nastiness with blisses ;
For NICOTINA shakes his hand
And smears his mouth with poison'd kisses.
There's not a dodge but has been tried,
To keep this torment at a distance;
Our pipes to plugs are now allied
Which offer very scant resistance.
A brush, a blade of grass, a straw,
Have stopped awhile her wily ravage,
But NICOTNxA twigs the flaw
And makes us sick or very savage.
Some recommend the humble clay
Wherefrom no oily mess encroaches,
That's very well-but who can say
No cloud of dust your mouth approaches.
"The Poet's Pipe is all the go,"
Another says in terms of rapture,
"If only its design you know,
Miss NIcoTINA you will capture."

Away with arguments and talk,
Profuse but always very airy,
A hero has been found to baulk
The wiles of the tobacco fairy.
All smokers will his efforts bless,
Of compliments not one is barren
For KIcoTINA's naughtiness
Is tamed at last by CAPTAiN WARREN !

A Nice Young Man for a Small Tea-Trade.
THE Liverpool -Daily Post contains an advertisement which seems to
suggest that to "travel in tea" is scarcely a less difficult matter than
to travel in Abyssinia:-
WANTED, a Man of strong and robust physical constitution to Travel in the Tea
Trade ; one not at all of a nervous or susceptible temperament, but capable
of standing any quantity of abuse the modern school of grocers and tea dealers may
inflict upon him.-Address, &c.
It would seem that among the extras charged at the "modern school"
of tea-dealers, the proverbial twopence for manners is not included.
This is to be regretted, for it will afford ground for the revival of the
old and heartless joke about gross abuse and grocer language. We
entreat the tea dealers and grocers to take warning, and amend their
ways. Let them remember that the world now has its Heyes-on their

As It Should Be.
THE debates in the coming autumnal session of Parliament will not,
it is said, be published in the customary blue-book, but will be printed
on the sere and yellow leaf." We have made inquiries as to where
this report originated, and Echo "HANsxAnn-'ware !" Still we would
as lief believe it as not."

Cave Cane-him!
IN'CREDmLE as it may appear, a gentleman at the West-End lately
stopped a three-horse omnibus, going at full speed-three miles an
hour-by merely holding up his walking-stick. We have heard of
many feats of strength, but this Topham's all-we beg pardon,-tops
'em all.

Thick as Thieves.
A PARAGRAPH has been going the rounds to the effect that MESSRS.
BAss possesses an album about as big as a family Bible, containing a
collection of the forged trade marks of their beer, which they have
been successful in discovering. This simile appears to us to be chosen
in the worst possible taste. How much more appropriate would it be to
represent this album of rascality as being as thick as one of the
ledgers of the L. C. & D. R. Co.

HOHRTICULTURAL journals report that the tallow-tree of China has hben
successfully transplanted to the Punjaub. Would not Greece be a yet
more congenial soil ?

IFsthou delight'st to hear a babbling rill
Among its pebbles prattle evermore;-
To note the streamlet growing wider still,
With nodding ferns and foxgloves on its shore :
If thou dost love the broad, full-bosomed river,
Where wealthy argosies securely ride,
On whose dark breast a thousand cressets quiver
From lofty warehouses on either side :-
If thou lov'st water in its every shape,
A winter torrent dashing down a mountain,
A stream through meadows making its escape,
Or the fair column of a flashing fountain-
If thou lov st these as I do, do not scoff--
And do not-do not cut the water off!

"Kilt Twice (and more) over."
A GENTLEMAN, writing to the Leeds Mercury the other day to L
complain of a nuisance in the shape of a wharf where gas-tar (alias
Blue Billy) is shipped into barges, winds up with this statement :-
"I have been hoping against hope that someone more comCetent t na my hurntfl
self would have taken the matter up ere now, but as a ratepayer, I do certainly
object to being poisoned every week."
We'll be hanged every[Monday at eight if we don't think that, even an
a compound householder, a man may fairly object to be poisoned
only once-which would be enough for most people I

ON the 9th inst., at Printing House-square, the Times of a joke.
Quoting the opinion of KonHL, the German traveller, it observes :-
"Kohl, the Gcrmnn traveller, remarks that owing to the discolored water
from the bogs, and the tawny hue of the bogs thcmselres, Ireland is as much brown
as green, and might as well have been called the Topaz as the Emnieald Isle."
Granting that an Irishman has a strong affection for a drop of the
cratur or (rather, perhaps, and) a bottle of Dublin stout, it iss urely
stretching the p'int to dub a whole population-Topaz.

Very Childish.
A riors lady of our acquaintance always takes her boys to SAMU I
BROTHERS for clothes, on the ground that the Juvenile Deparment must
be conducted by the INrANT SAMUEL.

[ We cannot return rejected MS8. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of comntinunt-
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]
J. H. C. (Manchester.)-Done years ago in FUx.
A. R. W.-See last answer.
SToIC.-Stow it! Which is, in the vulgar, don't do it again! "
W. J. C. R. (Horsham) sends us the old joke about crossing the
Channel and sic transit. We wish we had the bringing up of him !
8W. J. (Wellington, Salop.)-We cannot attend to your local matlere;
you must stop your own LEAKES, if you can!
AJEw.-We chaff national and social peculiarities, not religious.
A. B. Z.-There is a difference between initials and a monogram, if yotr
will take the trouble to find it out.
J. S.-Your poetical address is very touching and beautiful-it reminds
us of the sort of thing the Beadle used to bring round at Christmas. But
are you a judge of "measure true" F-at any rate "drawn" doesn't rhyme
with "born."
"RATHER A DurFER. must really find out for himself.
G. J. F. (Derby.)-Thanks.
0. W. S. (Edward-street, Brighton.)-We have not the slightest inten-
tion of obliging you by inserting that bit of advice to people about to
marry" which you have stolen and are silly enough to try to pass foc
C. .D. (Brighton.)-The sketch is good, but we never treat of suck
subjects in FUN.
W.-We don't want Acrosties-and we wish "friends would kindly
accept this intimation" once for all!
Declined with thanks :-C. P.; C. H. B., Yorkshire; Q. ; A. C., E burgh; J. F., Greenock; Miss S., Acacia-road; J. E. S., Low Leyton;
J. D., Bayswater; Miss M.; J. H., Soutbsea; L. H., St. John's-wood;
E. R., Lower Norwood; Gauger; The O'Oo ; Mrs. D. L. ; Trin. Coll,
Dublin; A. W., Glasgow; F. H., Southampton; C. C., Esher; Snooks,
Leith; C. H. B., Paris; W. J. R. ; Damon and Pythias; A Jolly Buffer;
R. S. Peckham; Correspondent; C. P., Woolwich; Cecil; G. H.; T. I.;
J. R. ; T. R. Navan; E. R., Upper Norwood; J. H. IH.; W. I..;
J. H. J.; N. J. H.; W. V. S., Stoke Newington; Andax; E. E.;
C. A. P.; K.; A. C., Islington; C. H., Blackfriars-road; T. W.D., PimliLc.



-NoV'MnT.R 2, 1567.



LONG ago I grew Byronic
(Long ago I was a fool),
Feasting on the rhyme sardonic
Of the wild Satanic school.
Then I caught another fever
(Which remained a longer while),
And became a true believer
In the teaching of CARLYLE.
It grieves me, THOMAS, that the present age
Is not precisely to your satisfaction.
Our unbelief-our selfishness in action
Are certainly enough to shock a sage;
Confess, though, if the world is getting worse-
(And such appears the end of your researches)
Our unbelief is not through lack of churches,
And Self can show a very pretty purse.
To me the fact seems pretty plain,
On studying your pages, I
That you would fain be back again
Amongst the middle ages.
You may, of course, be telling truth,
Or may be taradiddling;-
That middle age to me, forsooth,
Seems only very middling.
I wish you never dressed your thought
In such a quaint apparel,
Nor deemed your words were good for nought
Without a double barrel.
And, whensoever you may pull
Some fallacy to tatters,
I wish you'd point us out in full
A way for mending matters.

Wicked as the world may be,
Don't regard it very sadly;-
Teach us better, M1 C.,
If you find us doing badly.

Who Sends Cooks?
THIS advertisement has puzzled us considerably:-
'* ANTED, a SMALL COTTAGE, or THREE ROOMS, Unfurnished, two parlours
(ABSOLUTELY), near the sea preferred.-Also, a SERVANT, to cook and dress
and undress a paralysed man on his left side, aged 53; she must read and write.
One between 50 and 60 years of age, in good health, preferred.-Addreis Tela,"
What is the meaning of two parlours (ABSOLUTELY) ? But that is
nothing to the next bewilderment. A servant is wanted to cook and
dress a "paralysed man-and then to undress (which we conjecture
means to uncook) him-a very difficult task, though he is, according
to the advertisement, only to be dressed or done on one side. We
should think the confusion arose from some carelessness of the adver-
tiser, but the advertiser is carefulness itself, not being content with
asking for some one aged 53," without further specifying that, even
if she be 53, he would prefer her to be also between the ages of 50
and 60.

Our Stars I
THE savants of the British Association have pronounced that
aerolites and meteoric bodies are the results of "dissipated comots."
Although we knew the celestial luminaries were up all night, we were
not aware that they were of dissolute habits. We ask, therefore, in
the deepest anxiety, whether the constellation Sirius is a "Jolly Dog"
star ?

XyOIICE.-On November the 4th, price Twopence,
Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by

1"oL ON:. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Feet-street, E.C.-
November 2, 18i .


*;'- *^'^^.

NOVEMBER 9, 1867.]


You're quite
A new edition-but I'm bound to own
A small edition-of the Great Unknown.
One of his novels (pray you, don't be irate,
Or think it is my whim
To say you stole from him)
You much remind me of-and that's the "Pirate."
There is this difference twixtt his works and yours
(His fame was, like his garments, homespun made 'o),
His writing was the writing that endures,
While your work's bound to fade-oh.*
Well, MaI. WHITE,
Perhaps we have no right
To ask your real name, nor should presume
To question what folks call your nom de ploom.
But pardon if my comprehension's duller
Than it should be, when I suggest
(Without demanding your true name's revealing)
That 'twas not best
To pitch on WHITE-for white, you know's no culler,
And you're accused of picking,-if not stealing.
I'd change my appellation-that I would!
Other folks call you names, not always good,
When in fierce diatribes they overhaul ye.
They name you (so I've seen),
Or any other BABINGTON May-call-ye !
Howe'er, I think you're right
In never showing fight,
I do, indeed, my BABINGTON, my WHITE !
Heed not the P. M. G.,
Although, may be,
Some grudges you to certain critics on it owe;
Keep your incognito,
Nor note nor letter
Send that eternal
And infernal
Keep out of sight,
And shun the light,
I'm sure the less we see of you the better !
Qy. Feydeau :-P.D.

1st Questionable character :-" HULLO, I SAY, THis 'ERE 'ARF-SUVRIN' AS YOU

WE were not in time to write anything about MR. CHiARLES
READE'S new play, The Double Marriage last week. This piece, like a
great many other pieces adapted from the French, suffers in the
intellectual sense from an alteration that improves it in the moral one.
ACuGSTE MAQUST makes Dnjardin the father of Josephine's child,
without making him the husband of Josephine; MR. CHARLES READS,
in accordance with Britannic proprieties, has the lovers married.
Here comes the inconsistency. It is perhaps an indelicacy, but
certainly not a mortal sin, for a woman to contract a second marriage
soon after receiving intelligence that she has become a widow. Surely
a few syllables of explanation to her original proprietor, Ahen he turns
up so awkwardly to discover an unaccountable infant, would be more
natural than the course taken by Josephine in accepting the sacrifice
of her sister's reputation. If MR. CHARLES READE had the intention
of making his leading female character a despicable and cowardly
person he has carried out his intention thoroughly; if he intended her
to elicit anything like sympathy from the audience he has utterly
failed. The attempt at suicide by poison in the last act is very feebly
managed and made the house giggle on the first performance. The
baby is ten times worse, for that positively made the house yell. By
the way, in speaking of this baby, a critic on the Daily Telegraph makes
an odd mistake. "With the exception," says he, of the infant
Princess Elizabeth in Henry VIII., there is not a single baby in
the whole of SHAKESPEARE'S plays." The deuce there isn't! Why,
in the Winter's Tale poor little Perdita gets carried about through
nearly an entire act. There is a baby in arms in Pericles, and there is
another-a black one, and therefore particularly notice4ble-in Titus
The performance of The Double Marriage is capital. Miss FANNY
AnDDION is most impressive, in spite of one dreadful dress, which
must be correct because it is hideous. Miss ELLEN TERRY looks and
plays charmingly. MR. ALFRED WIGAN, in a part unworthy of him,

acts artistically, and Ma. WYNDHAM is manly and sympathetic. We
must congratulate MR. LIONEL BUOUoa on his first appearance in
London. He has already proved himself one of our best low comedians,
and we are anxious to see him play in some better part than the one
provided for him by Ma. CHAILES READE. The mounting of the
piece is everything that can be wished, and the music, conducted by
MR. WALLERSTEIN, deserves a word of commendation. A farce of
the wildest character precedes the drama. We regret that theo opening
entertainment at the Queen's Theatre-which is a pretty and comfort-
able house-has not met with an altogether undisputed success ; and
we hope to see it doing better.
At the Holborn Theatre a new burlesque by Ma. BURNAND has been
brought out. The title of it is MAary Turner, a graceful pun upon
the word Maritana. The only employment that MR. BURNAND seems
to make of this pun in the course of his parody is to rhyme Turner
with Smyrna; this is a very ingenious feat and betrays the refined
Cockney. We noticed a clever allusion to Happy Thoughts in
this burlesque; are we wrong in suspecting that those happy thoughts
will shortly make their appearance in a collected form with the author's
name on the title-page ? The burlesque is moderately played, MR.
the too obvious deficiencies of the other performers. A very liberal
allowance of music-hall songs and break-down dances appears to
compensate an indulgent audience for a plentiful lack of humour in
the spoken parts of the burlesque. This kind of entertainment appears
to be at its last gasp, and it certainly stands no chance of being brought
back to life by such efforts as Mary Turner ; or, the Wicious Willain
and Wietorious Wirtue.

An Early Tea.
AN enterprising grocer advertised for sale "teas brought by the ship
Taeping about a fortnight before that vessel arrived in the Thames.
We suppose he was determined on Ta'eping Time by the forelock.



(KNovi1RE 9, 1867.


7 XTENDED on the Margate shore
-' (A lazy fit had bound me),
I fell a-moralizing o'er
The snobs I saw around me.
They buy unholy suits of clothes,
And every day they don them;
Their speech is crapulous with oaths,
But still the sun shines on them!
They bawl and holloa, scream and shout,
Some source of joy they find it-
And though they leave their 'h's out
The sea don't seem to mind it!
They spit, and smoke tobacco rank,
And live incontinently,
And though they look as if they drank,
The sea air fans them gently!
The words with which themselves they pledge
Cause decent ears to tingle;
But though it sets one's teeth on edge,
It don't offend the shingle!
Their showy clothes are slopped with mire,
Their paws with filth encrusted-
I wonder Nature don't retire
From public life disgusted.
The sun shines on, the breezes blow,
When shops and counters free them-
The waves dance gaily to and fro,
And seem quite glad to see them!
Oh, sun and breeze and dancing trees,
In one commingling blended,
You are not difficult to please-
Not easily offended.

'&tnn CalhC
LAST week I made a few comments on passing events which passed
into quite a different set of events before my remarks were published.
This is one of the advantages of a large circulation, which necessitates
going to press early. This week I shall leave the events to look after
themselves, for there really is no knowing what may turn up at a day's
notice. However, there is plenty to talk about without committing
one's self to statements as to what GARI ALDI or the EMPEROR or the
KING may, can, will, shall, might, could, would, or should do. I can
fall back on literature, whereof a shoal lies before me. St. Paul's,

No. II., bears out the promise of No. I. It bids fair to take the
front rank in the magazines. But there are two things I must
note in it. On opening the second number and seeing therein some
verse, I remembered the bit of editorial eloquence about magazine
verse and the promise that if a poet sent anything it should appear.
So I sat down expecting a treat-but didn't get it. I tried to think it
was all right, though a little startled about wounds no skill can
fathom "-they must have been as deep as MERCUTIO's well. But
these two lines took my breath away:-
"Within the fern's sweet stem the oak lies hidden,
Till by love's art the scented veil is riven."
First of all, hidden" and "riven are not rhymes, and secondly the
smell of a fern-stem is not sweet, being a faint and unpleasant odour.
Thirdly, "love's art riving a scented veil" does not quite picture the
slicing-up of a fern-stalk with the pocket-knife of common life.
However, the "poem" does not exhaust itself even then: further on
we read of a solitary bird in the Far West that chants the Miserere."
What an odd bird! My parrot says "Pretty Poll," and whistles
"Pop goes the weasel," but he doesn't chant Miserete "-I should
like to hear more of that bird.
The other article that I don't quite "hold with" in St. Paul's is one
on the Drama, beginning with a grave denunciation of burlesque.
How absurd it is to criticise a mere bit of fun from a high art point of
view Burlesque in its proper place and of the proper sort is a very
good thing indeed: after the beef and mutton of Drama, the trifle of
Burlesque. However, these solemn objections have been made again
and again, and Burlesque has survived them. What it will not survive
is the insidious style of attack, of which Mary Turner is an example.
Its author seems to have gone over to the anti-burlesque party, and
has dealt Burlesque a far harder blow than all the condemnatory
articles put together. Old jokes about the 19th sentry," "change
of 'air," &c., lines which sometimes have eight feet, sometimes ten,
and sometimes more, rhymes which are Cockney ones, and rhymes that
are not rhymes at all-e.g., taught yer and torture," with a plen-
tiful lack of plot and a great deal too much mere pantomime business-
these are things which seem flung together with the idea rather of
injuring Burlesque than supportingit.
The Conhill does not contrast well with St. Paul's. An Unde-
veloped Collector" seems hardly worthy of development in such a
magazine. The Satirists of the Reformation," however, is an
admirable article. "Joan of Arc" is nothing much-and I look in
vain in its illustration for the grace, the skill, and the art one asso-
ciates with the initials "D. M." Belgravia is bellicose-too bellicose,
for I think its readers have a fair ground of complaint when seven-
teen pages are occupied with literary squabbles. With much that is
written in "The Cant of Criticism" I heartily agree; but I think
special pleading goes too far when it says, such novelists as Miss
achieved great distinction as a novelist, but in a sphere of her own,
distinct from that of the other two waiters. MR. SALA seems
aggrieved that the Blackwood critic should class the author of "Aurora
Floyd" with the author of "Denis Donne ;" but is his own classifi-
cation unimpeachable ? However, though the language is a bit strong
and the pleading special, he is defending a lady and an early contri-
butor to the magazine he edited, and he does it well and boldly. I
can't say as much for the ghost of CAPTAIN SHANDON. His Remon-
strance is not a very masterly production. No one will accuse me
of a prejudice in favour of the Pall Mall, which, in the matter of the
" Circe correspondence, did not, in my opinion, shine to advantage.
But the "Remonstrance is far from a successful effort. In the first
place it claims for MAl. BABINGTON WHITE the right to take his inspi-
ration from a foreign source, and the right to decline to come forward
and avow his name. Granted! But those two rights don't constitute
a third right, to take his "inspiration "-bodily-without acknow-
ledgment, and with the use of "new and original" adjectives. In
the second place, the "employer" of the editor of the P. M. may be
the owner of a magazine-the Cornhill-but it can hardly be fairly
described as a rival magazine to Belgravia." Thirdly: there is a
vast distinction between THACKERAY'S taking (if he did take) the sug-
gestion of a character, or his daughter's taking a trick of style, from
the French, and MR. WHITE'S walking off with a whole story.
Fourthly-well, it's hardly necessary to tall CAPTAIN SHAnDON that to
prove that LE SAGE, STEreE, MOLIERE, and LORD LYTTON have com-
mittedliterary forays, does not prove MR. WHITE innocent. But what
can CAPTAIN SHAnDON be about when, after instancing "The Caxtons"
as a reproduction of "Tristram Shandy," he asks, "Yet who dares
protest? who dares shout 'literary thief!' here?" Who ? Why,
your friend Mu. THACKERAY, CAPTAIN S.; and I wonder you never
read his smashing papers in Fraser when you were in that pleasant
retirement of yours.
For the rest, Belgravia is as readable and pleasant as usual. The
illustrations to Dead Sea Fruit" and Netting" are not up to the
standard of Belgravia blocks, the figures seeming like studies at


NOVEMBER 9, 1867.] 3 F i

I NEVER did meet with sich insults in all my life as jest through
a-goin' to a shop to ask a civil question, as you might as well give' a
civil answer to, as don't cost nothing, and so I told them fellers as was
a-settin' there a-grinnin' like a couple o' bamboos, a-suckin' of tooth-
picks, as is a dirty 'abit and can't be no nourishment in. For I was
a-walkin' along Broadway, as it 'ad nearly cost me my life for to cross,
what with the pavement and what with the 'busses and carts, and jest
as I was a-goin' along I see in a shop winder a roll of Coburg cloth, a
deep claret colour, the same as I 'ad the winter afore last, as I bought
near the Elephant and Castle, as were a rich colour, and looked worry
'an'some made up, and that 'ard to match through me 'avin' took the
remnant, as were jest over five yards, through being' double width, and
didn't leave not 'ardly a bit over, though I must say as I always sus-
pects M Is. POLLIN of 'avin' cabbage, as the saying' is, as it's natural
as she should, through begin' a tailor's daughter and brought up to to the
business, and can work a button-'ole better than any woman as ever I
see, though no reason for to respect 'is memory, for when in liquor
would use the sleeve-board pretty free over their bare backs, and was
pretty nigh the death of 'is own mother through a-throwin' of the
red-'ot goose across the room, as he meant for to haim at 'is wife, and
missed 'er by a inch, a-ketchin' of the old lady atween the blade-bones,
as must 'ave been instant death if it 'ad but been a foot higherr up.
Well, as I were a-sayin', I was always anxious for to match that
Coburg, through 'avin' sp'ilt the back breath with something sticky
as I set on the day as I got 'ere a-waitin' for my things at the docks,
as is always full of some filth or other, and in my opinion was treacle,
as stuck to me like pitch, and nothing would not get it out, as set tur-
pentine at defiance, and benzine weren't no more than water. Well,
as I was a-sayin', goin' up Broadway, what should I see but a bit of
that werry same coloured Coburg as I was a-thinkin' I might go arf
the world over and not match; so I goes into the shop, and there was
them two as was what I calls whipper-snapper chaps, and the moment
I gets inside the door one of them oilerss out "We don't want anyo!"
I didn't take no notice, but only pints with my umbreller to that bit
of stuff in the winder, and says, "I'll take a yard and a quarter, not as
I wants more than three-quarters, through arf a breadth begin' all that
is sp'ilt.
So one of they fellers says, Can't you read ?" I says, "In course I
"Then," says he, "don't you see as there ain't nothing retail sold
'ere ?" Well," I says, what of that P I don't want nothing retail,
but only what I've asked for, as is enough of that claret-coloured
Coburg for a back breath."
"Oh, I see!" says one of the fellers, "you wants to retail your
gownd." I says, If you was a gentleman, as you are not, but only a
counter-skipper, you would not speak that rude a-illudin' to a lady's
He only bust out a-larfing, and bein' regular tired, I thought as I'd
take a seat as was placed there, like music-stools; so I takes 'old on
one to draw it nearer to me, a-goin to set down at the same time, when
if the dratted top didn't come off in my 'and, and down I went with a
'eavy shock, enough to bring the housee down. Well, them fellers bust
oet larfin' like downright hidjots, and never offered for to 'elp me up,
as were a-settin' on the floor that confused with my fall as I didn't
know hardlyy where I was, and 'ad 'urt my elber. So I says, "If you
was'a couple of men instead of hapes as you are, you'd come and 'elp
me up; for the man as wouldn't lift 'is 'and for a fioldmale in distress
we all knows what he is."
I do believe as I should 'ave been setting' there now, only a ladv
come in with a wail down, as picked me up, and then showed me a
letter as proved as she were the widder of a hoficer as 'ad been slew'd
in the war; but bless you, them fellers were that rude to 'er, a tellin'
'er to clear out, so I walked out of the place with 'er, for I wouldn't
'ave laid out my money with such characters, and says to the lady as
they was the fust 'Merrikins as 'ad been rude to me; and if she didn't
tell me as they was Hinglish, as made me blush for my country, and
would 'ave gone back and give 'em a bit of my mind, only the lady
says Don't Ah, poor thing! she had know'd sorrers, through
'avin' 'ad 'er 'usban' wounded in battle, as died on a avalanche as was
carrying' 'im to the hospital as they did ought to 'ave on the spot in a
battle. I'm sure I don't know why ever any one is such a fool as to
go for a soldier, as only gets killed for their pains ; and I'm sure the
way as this poor lady were 'art-broken and that overcome, as I thought
she were a-goin' to faint, and 'ad to support 'or, for she didn't seem to
'ave no strength in 'er. I says, "Do you live far from 'ere ?" "Oh,"
says she, "miles."
I says, "You'd better set down on a door-step." "Oh," she says,
"just round the corner I got a friend as keeps there."
"I says, "What does he keep ?" But she didn't say nothing, but
leans on my'harm till I thought I must 'ave dropped with 'er, for she
kep' on walking .

T-N. 89

So I says, "Let's go in 'ore ;" for I see a placo where ladies' lunches
was wrote up. She said No," but walked straight in with me. So
the waiter he come and asked what we'd take, for that poor creetur 'ad
tottered to a seat and was a-leanin' 'or 'cad down.
So I says to 'er, You'd better take a somotlhink;" and she says
"Borbony," as the waiter brought, and she took off and kep' on
a-weepin' like.
I asked the waiter for a little drop of brandy for myself, as I 'adn't
touched, and if that poor woman in 'er confusion didn't take up tho
glass and svmaller it down. Well, carter that she set quiet like for ever
so long, and then she says as she'd like some beer, and arter that sho
begun for to weep like out loud, till the waiter come up, as were some
kind of foreigner, and said as they couldn't allow no such noise there.
Law! she turned on 'im and called 'im all the Dutch waggerbones as
she could lay 'or tongue to, and used such awful words that I was
a-goin' to run out of the place; so the waiter ho come and asked for
the money for the beer.
I says, "I ain't 'ad the beer; lot 'or pay." Ioe says, She can't;
she's a beggar."
Up she jumps, and sketched 'old of 'is 'air, a-yellin' and sereamin'
like mad; so they calls in a policeman, as turned 'er out, and would
'ave interfered with me, only I told 'im as she we were unbeknown to me,
and as I thought she were in distress; but he only winks and says to
me, "Don't you believe all as is told you ;" and took and pushed 'or
away, as I was glad to get free from.
(To be concluded in our text.)

No. 35.
IN true British fashion we bid him God speed,
And happy the people he goes to, to read.
They'll all flock to see him to judge of his looks,
The author of so many wonderful books.
Nor coin nor KVeos he'll certainly lack,
And we shall be glad when we welcome him back.

Too many rash aspirants claim
This mighty name;
We recognize of all the host,
But three at most.
What MNa. WELLa, Senior, desired,
His soul with legal knowledge strangely fired.
In language, we know was decidedly classic,
Old HORACE would often roar out for the Massic ;
And if in a hurry to toss off his liquor,
This word he would use to make slaves bring it quicker.
The pest of a noble profession,
And punished for frequent transgression.
The public repeatedly suffers,
For people are really such duffers.
He stood like a peg
In the grass, at square leg.
All Europe an interest in this evinces.
From beggars and tradesmen to nobles and princes;
I speak in the present but being no rover,
I fancy by this time it's ended and over.
They fought like bricks in days of old,
They gained immortal glory,
They sleep beneath the churchyard mould,
Their names revered in story.

I Inventor R
N Nardoo 0
J Jackdaw W
U Umbri I
R Ihyton N
Y Yug G

90 [ VEMBER 9, 1867.

1. The Man in Brass. 10. The Worshipful the Lord Mayor. 16. Persons of Rank. 25. More Police.
2. The Man out of Brass. 11. Aldermen who have not passed the 17. The Fishmongers' Company. 26. More Police still.
o. Magog. 4. Gog. 5. Hog. chair 8.18. The Grocers' Company. 27. Most Police, in a compact body.'
6. Dog-its coat and badge. 12. [he Mace. 19. A Limited Company. 28. The Civic Seal, by kind permission
7. Distinguished Members of the Stock 13. The other November Dignitary. 20. Would-he Beef-Ejaters. of F. Buckland, Esq.
Exchange. 14. A Deputation of November Fog. 21. Bishop's gait. 29. The Military.
8. The City Jester. 15. A Deputation of November Mist, 22. The Poultry. 30. The British Public.
9. The City Di-gesters-Aldermen who by kind permission of Swell Mob- 2-. Cheapside. 31. A Deputation from the Hatters'
have passed the chair. ster, Esq. 24. Police. Company.

IF U N.-NOVEMBE 9, 1867.




NOVLmBzBR 9, 1867.


ACT I. SCENE-Exterior of the Chateau of the Baroness de Beaurepaire.
Enter JOSEPHINE and RosE, her daughters.
Jos.-How poor is mother, and yet how proud!
RosE.-And how respectable, and yet what an old bore !
Jos.-Who can it be who drops purses with shillings in them in our
path day after day ?
FAITH. DEP.-It is Monsieur Rkviere. See, he comes !
Jos.-We will conceal ourselves. [They do.
Enter MONS. RIvIroE.
MONS. R.-I love Rose, and would marry her; and for an ingenious
method of getting over a high-minded, haughty old mother, commend
me to the plan of dropping purses in her path-thus.
[Sheds purses all over the stage.
Jos. (coming down).-Mons. Riviere! This is is indelicate. We are
haughty, and cannot accept coppers. Go!
[Exit RIVIERE, much shut up. JosePHINE and RosE go into'house.
CAPT. R.-So this is the house that I have bought of its impoverished
owners. In ten minutes I start for Africa; but I thought I would
just look in and see my property first.
FAITH. DEF.-What would you, sir ?
CAPT. R.-A Faithful Dependant! (Aloud) I have come to claim
my property.
FAITH. DEP.-Then my poor old missis will be turned into the
street! [ Weeps.
CarT. R.-Oh, that's quite another pair of shoes! I couldn't think
of doing less than make them a present of the estate as it stands, under
those circumstances. And now for Africa.
Enter the BARONESS, with JOSEPHINE and ROSE.
BARONESS.-I really don't quite like accepting'a magnificent chateau
and grounds from an utter stranger-you see, I am so very haughty,
and extremely high-minded.
CAPT. R.-Quite so. Ha! an idea! I will marry Josephine-go to
Egypt and die, and then everything will be hers, as a matter of course.
BARONEss.-The very thing! So shall the sensitive feelings of
delicacy that are so characteristic of a Beaurepaire remain unruffled.
Go-marry this utter stranger on the spot.
Jos.-But I love Camille;-no, no, mamma-not for Josephine !
BARONEss.-But I insist! My family pride will not allow of my
missing this chance of making myself rich! Besides, Colonel Camille,
your lover, is reported dead.
[They get married, and exit RAYNAL to Africa. Triumphant comic dance
FAITH. DEP.-Madame, Colonel Camille is coming. Hurrah! Hurrah!
ALL.-Colonel Camille!
Enter CAMILLE, very much out up.
CAM.-Yes, here I am; come to claim my Josephine!
Jos.-Oh, horror! I am married! I thought you dead!
CAM.-Married! And I had dreamt of such happiness.
Jos.-Happiness ? Ha! ha! ha! Happiness is for others-not for
Josephine! [Tableau.
ACT II.-Awful Chamber in the Chateau.
Enter the BARONESS in mourning.
BARONESs.-Raynal is dead, and we are in expensive mourning;
but my girls, somehow, seem delighted. Well, thanks to our family
pride, we have swindled Raynal's heirs out of this chateau. Family
pride has its advantages! [Exit.
Jos.-Camille! We are secretly married now! Poor Raynal!
[All laugh.
CAx.-And we have an unacknowledged pipsy wipsy !
Jos.-We have! Mamma knows nothing of it!
FAITH. DEP.-Captain Raynal is not dead! Here is a letter from
him, dated the 6th June!
Jos.-And the battle in which he was killed was fought on the 4th.
Wasn't it ?
CAM. (bright idea).-PERHAPS IT WAS THE FOURTEENTH!!! (Fact.)
Jos.-No; the fourth, you donkey! He returns to-day. The baby
must be sent away; but I must see it before it goes.
Rose and JosEPpINE pull baby out of hole in wainscot, in which, for
excellent reasons, it is concealed.
Jos.-Paor ickle sing; Did it find it stuffy, then! (Changing7 the
subject.) And did ze naughty ickle blackbeetles creep into its pickley-
ickley mouse!

.Enter RAYNAL. Screen upsets.
CAPT. R.-My dear old Jo.!
Enter RIVIERE, the copper dropper.
Jos.-Ha! ha! (hysterically.) Then you were not dead.
CAPr. R.-No. (Aside. This baby! Can Jo. have been kicking
up behind and before in my absence ? It must be solved. Whose is
this baby ? [JosEPHINE very much taken aback. General fix.
ROsE.-It is mine! !!
[Annoyance of RiviERa, her lover, gratitude of JOSEPHINE, and great
relief of RAYNAL. Tableau.
ACT III. The Camp before Philippesbourg. Night. Enter CAMILLE.
CAM.-I am here to take Philippesbourg. [Flourish. Drums.
Enter GENERAL Boon and SUITE.
GEN. B.-It's a most amazing thing that I can't move without a
drum accompaniment. Gratifying at first it becomes an intolerable
nuisance after about fifteen twelvemonths of it. But this is not the
point. Yonder redoubt is to be stormed to-night. Who will head the
forlorn hope ?
AnL (politely).-I!
GEN. B.-It is certain death, so toss for it. All I know is that I
won't! [They toss for it, CAPT. RLANAL is the odd man out.
CAM. (to CAPT. R.)-Do you know that it is certain death ?
CAPT. R.-I do. I rather want to die. [Exit.
CAm.-And so do I. Ha an idea !
[Summons his regiment-the- whole fifteen.
CAM.-Soldiers of France, I want to die. The storming of yonder
redoubt would offer a favourable opportunity, as it is certain death;
but ethers are to have the honour of attaciing it. Let us sterm it
when nobody's looking!
SoLDIERS (slowly, rubbing their chins withenthusiasm).-Well-ye-es.
CaM.-It is true you don't want to die.
SOLDIERB (with more enthusiasm still).-We don't, we don't, upon our
souls we don't!
CAM.-Thtn come on! [All rush of cautiously, explosion heard.
CArT; it.-He has taken the fort while nobody was looking. Were it
not that he is dead, I would bring him to court-martial!
ACT IV. Exterior of the Chateau. Enter JOSEPHINE.
JOB.-My Camille is killed in a forlorn hope; and Raynal, my
husband, whom I don't love, survives! Family pride reduced us to
the necessity of swindling him out of the chateau by a marriage which
I contracted in the hope that he would be immediately killed-and, lo,
he survives! Ha-ha! Poison! poison 1
.Enter RAYNAL.
CAPT. R.-I'm afraid you don't love me.
Jos.-No, I don't.
CAPT. R.-Her talent for repartee is marvellous!- Perhaps you
would have preferred Camille ?
Jos.-Infinitely. But he is not for Josephine.
CAx.-And why not ?
Jos.-Ha! ha! ha! He lives! he lives! he lives!
CAPT. R.-Look here, Camille, what do you say to this-Jo. is only
married to me by civil contract-II annul it thus! (tears it up.) Now
take her and be happy!
Jos.-My Camille.
CAm.-My Joseph.

MONS. R.-Rose, I know all about that inconvenient baby. Come,
take me, and be happy!
RosE.-I will. But a baby, more or loss, needn't have put you out
so. Unreasonable creature!
BARONESS.-But how about the chateau. Am I, with all my family
pride, to be turned into the street; or am I to live rent-free in another
person's house? Which is my family to do ?
CAPT. R.-Stop here; don't pay me any rent, and, indeed, consider
the place your own.
BARONESS.-My family pride is satisfied. I will!
CAPT. R.-And if our friends in front will only signify their appre-
bation of the manner in which my, or rather Camille's, dear old Jo.
has been kicking up behind and before, there won't be."a happier party
in all France than the Double Marriage; or,-
Jos.-Not for Josephine !
OURSELVES.-Rather a dangerous piece, well written (but much too
long), and well acted; particularly so by Ma. WIGAN, Miss ADDIsoN,
BuorGH is an unobtrusive low comedian. MR. STEPHENS played a
very small part remarkably well. Pretty theatre, and particularly
comfortable stalls. Good orchestra, too.


94 F U J NT. [NovXMBuR 9, 1847.



u- f^


"I'LL be hanged if I do! "
I was standing at the verge of the pavement at the bottom of Ludgate-
hill, with one foot on the kerb and the other in the kennel. 'Tis an
attitude of irresolution and uncertainty, and throws a man off his
level. And when a man is thrown off his level there's no telling what
may be the end of it. I took my foot out of the kennel, and as I set
it down beside its companion on the granite I repeated my exclama-
"I'll be hanged if I do !"
Now, 'tis an undertaking no man in the possession of his senses
would make if he was not quite sure of avoiding the penalty, There
are many inconveniences connected with being hanged, which would
incline us to hesitate. A man of sentiment and refinement would
shrink from it. The idea of engrossing the attention of 'so many
people, from the Sheriff and the Ordinary down to the most ragged
beggar in the crowd, is a shock to delicacy. Besides, hanging entails
early rising, and early rising is bad. Oh, great Sun! for what dost
thou quit thy roseate couch at so unearthly an hour, but to air the
world for us poor mortals ? Whip me the man who would rise before
eleven, if he could help it. If he couldn't-well, 'tis different, and
there's an end on't. But early rising is a thing I never cared for or
practised ; and indeed I can think of no worse way of beginning a
day than getting up at eight to be hanged.
And this brings me back to my first proposition. "I'll be hanged
if I do!" said L.
As I uttered the words I brought down my cane with a smart rap
on the stones-for if the intention and the deed be the same thing, as
learned legists tell us, it was on the stones that I brought it down.
But between the deed and the intention a plaguy fellow must needs
thrust the foot on which he wore his largest and tenderest corn.

Mine is a sensitive heart, and of a truth tenderness is a failing that
is always leading me into difficulties. I could not support the sight of
his anguish; and as soon as he found the use of his voice-which was
pretty soon-I thought it best to move away.
I HAD not gone many steps ere I fell in with a donkey. Now, an
ass is an animal I can never pass without giving him the time of day.
There is a gentle patience with which he listens to my discourses that
wins my heart in spite of myself.
He was harnessed to a sort of barrow, laden with mackerel, and he
was standing in Farringdon-street to allow the stream of traffic to
pass up Ludgate hill.
"'Tis ever so, Honesty said T; "thou and I must e'en wait to
let our betters go by. See how yon Bow and Stratford' rolls by-
mark that PICKFORD'S van-and thou'rt obliged to wait with thy
fish, though they be perishable goods at best."
As I said this I had taken up one of the mackerel and was moral-
ising over it.
Come, I say, jest drop that 'ere ? said a voice. I looked up. It
was Jack's master. And this is thy tyrant, then! I thought to
myself. Thine must he a hard lot, with one so suspicious of his
kind-so devoid of sentiment." But I said nothing, and replaced
the fish.
Just at this moment the tide of traffic was broken for an instant, and
the ass's master hastened to take advantage of it.
Kim up! said he to Jack; and before the poor animal could obey
him, he seized him by the head and dragged him along, dealing him at
the same time a score of heavy blows with a thick stick that he carried
in his right hand.
I could have found it in my heart to have given the rascal a sound
drubbing for his pains. Bat I refrained. I protest I am too soft-
hearted. I fe hired I might by chance hurt him, or he me.
"Farewell, Honesty said I, as Jack shambled off with his load.



And then I know not what tender emotion stirred me, but I felt a
tear trickling down my cheek. Farewell, Honesty !" said I again,
as I put my hand into my pocket for my kerchief.
It was gone!
I HAVE come to the conclusion that 'tis not the best way to get
through a story to begin at the end. 'Tis an unprofitable way at best,
and tends to lead one into digressions. Now, digressions will be the ruin
of me in this world and the next. I shall be so beset with digressions
I shall never reach my destination.
'Tis a very butterfly-like temptation. Here was I set down to
write you out my journey, and I've not got three steps from the bottom
of Ludgate-hill. And this because of my fatal failing for digression.
I had proposed to write a chapter on PICKFORD'S vans, and another on
Public Executions; but here's the end of my tether, and I am still
standing with one foot on the kerbstone and the other in the
* *- C
As I was writing that last sentence, I felt I could bear it no longer.
It had rang in my ears all day. I had looked out of window, and out
of doors, and upstairs, and downstairs, but I could not discover whence
it came.
"I can't get on! I can't get on!"
'Twas a little plaintive voice like a child's.
I can't get on This time I traced it to its source. 'Twas
nothing but a little squirrel in a revolving cage. As he ran, so his
prison turned, and he still kept crying, can't get on! "
Oh, great principle of Liberty! was I wrong to make the instant de-
termination to set that poor little captive free? My heart assures me I
was not. I fumbled at the wire-fastening-it resisted my efforts; but
the squirrel bit my fingers all the same.
* *
Another digression. But it shall be the last. I have sworn it, and
so there's an end of the matter. And 'tis no much matter either, for
after all 'tis no more than this:-
As I stood on the pavement at the bottom of Ludgate-hill, with one
foot on the kerb and the other in the kennel, I suddenly remembered
that it was LORD MAYOR's DAY. Shall I go and see the show ?"
said I to myself. And myself answered, I'll be hanged if I do "
And I didn't.

A cORRsPONDENT writes to complain of the growing tendency to
slang, and instances the following advertisement as a proof of what he
CORMACK's Great Bag Warehouse.
He asserts that the word "trousers" should be used instead of the
vulgarism "bags." Our-friend is quite mistaken as to the articles
referred to. They are not such as one thrusts one's legs into, but the
kind of bag into which (after making such a stupid mistake) he had
better pat his head !

American Irish.
WE have heard a good deal lately of the importation of the Irish-
American element. We have been glancing at a journal, probably not
very well known, entitled The American, and we have discovered in one
of its leaders strong evidence of American-Irishism. The article
"Diet" begins with Yankee twang enough, speaking of the negro
development of muscle as probable superior to that of other-no,
we quote incorrectly-" to other people." But the Hibernian influence
is very perceptible in the passage which follows:-
"The North-American Indian is a specimen of fine development on animal food; in
endurance they equal the Highland Scotch, probably neither inferior nor superior."
We are not quite sure who "they" are. Does our friend mean that
the North-American Indian are ?-but, surely, when "they" are
definitely asserted to be "equal" to the Highland Scotch (" they"
must be pretty 'cute!); there can be no probable possibility of their
being either superior or inferior. It does not require a knowledge of
EUCLID to tell one that things cannot be equal and unequal to each
other at the same time.

Wines and Spirits.
THE Paris Correspondent of the Morning Star announces the
approaching marriage of HOME, the spiritualist, and MADAME MOET,
'the champagne widow." We are glad to hear that HOME has
adopted so respectable a trade, and that henceforth his dealings in
" Cham "-with a "c" instead of an "s"-will be of a nature we
need not deprecate.
COMMENDED to tVie notice of the Board of Inland Revenue.-How
did MI. TB:OMAS CA LTYLE shoot Niagara ?-With a poetical license.


WHEN Paterfamilias reads with such care
The daily prelections from Printing-house-square,
Does he think, as to wisdom like theirs he aspires,
Who's hid by the curtain, and who pulls the wires ?
Does he ever, as dauntless as stout DELORAINE,
Desire, as did COBDEN, to worry DELANE P
Does he really believe what the sage "leaders" say-
When to-morrow will come contradicting to-day,
And the view that the public believes conmmc ilfaut,
Is inspired by the spleen of that weathercock, Lows P
Does he find that whenever in that view he confides
That the wayward opinions change like the tides ?
Did he turn to his bees with increasing delight
When he read what the Bee-master" once used to write?
Does he really believe that Historicus knows
More than all men, when learning he pompously shows ?
And when S. G. 0." venom againstt Bishops will brew,
Has he never found out 'tis the tongue of a-sbrew P
The strange second column will yield to his wife
Mysterious enigmas, queer stories of life,
And tidings will come from the ends of the earth,
To herald a death or acknowledge a birth,
Does he even, with innocence green as in youth,
Believe that the telegrams always tell truth ?
"N'importe, as the French say, he'll stick to his Times,
Nor class inconsistency e'er among crimes,
When weary with "leaders" he'll turn to the place
Where RUSSELL'S pen goes at so gallant a pace.
And little he'll care for the right and the wrong,
While gaily the JUPITER thunders along.

A case for the S. for the P. of 0. to A.
WE beg to call the attention of the active and energetic Society for
the Suppression of Cruelty, to a piece of barbarity recorded in the
Standard. That paper, in its impression of Tuesday, the 8th November,
says :-
"Madame States and Mr.Rigby have been singing uninterruptedly since Thursday
The managers of the Covent Garden Concerts were guilty of the
most heartless cruelty to compel two people-one of them a lady-to
sing without stopping for very nearly a week. This ought to be seen
to at once.

anzuite to CarareSIMbnt,.

[ We cannot return rejected MSS. or Sketches unless they are accompanied
by a stamped and directed envelope. We can take no notice of communica-
tions with illegible signatures or monograms.]
GEE BEn.-None of your Gee-bee-ring!
CAULD KAIL.-Pretty fair, but nothing very startling.
ANTI-HUsnuG.-We can't insert your queries, which are too personal;
but we agree that the Geographical Society is a great do Anybody can be
an F.R.G.S.-even the publisher of a Gazetteer!
AN ITALIAN REFUGEE.-Nothing of the kind !-you're our old corre-
spondent S."
S. B. (Aldgate.)-Very good for a boy of fourteen. Take lessons.
TEAOUE (Brighton).-Would be passable, if not so like the sort of thing
we are fatigued of.
A BRowNITE.-Thanks.
G. H. S.-Under consideration.
E. R. (Norwood) sends us the following:-" Where ought donkeys to
find the best stabling F-In assize towns, to be sure." We have puzzled over
that for a week, but we don't see what its point is, unless E. IR. always
resides in assize towns-at least, that's the only connection we can see be-
tween the locality and the animal.
F. W. R. (Slough.)-Slough-we beg pardon-how could you suppose
yours a parody ? Your lines resemble "Beware" about as much as General
Tom Thumb resembles Longfellow.
Declined with thanks:-H. E. W., Bristol; J. R., Exeter; G. S.,
Willenhall; A. G. C.; T. S.; F. H., Manchester; J. V. Y., Melton
Villas; S. E. P. M.; Sconi; W. H. E., Eskbank; Old Cock; H. R.,
Walworth-road; F. D. H., Russell-square; J. G. B.; J. W. H., Man-
chester; G. W. N., Old Kent-road; A. G., Great Western Hotel;
J. J. M., Hull; H. G. C., Clapton; J. B. 0. D.; A. Y. Z.; Stoicus;
,A. N. F. F. R. T.; Skyblue; H. H., Bristol ; M. G., Denbigh-street;
A. G., Norwich.

NOVEMBER 9, 1867.]

96 F 1U N [NOVEMBER 9, 1867.

A Sketch taken at King's Cross on t)he morning of the Fourth of November.

SIRm,-As a well-known caterer for the public, permit me to express
my admiration of your remarks on the above subject in last week's
number. They touch, Sir, what I may be allowed professionally to
call the marrow of the theme; whilst much that has appeared in other
journals has been dictated, I fear, by sadly interested motives.
The inherent vices of our present system are show and varied cookery.
The diner's golden rule should be, Go to a plain house which gives a
special article." Our modern dining-rooms are glass, gilding, and
*upholstery. What pays for all this? The scanty pittance of the
struggling clerk Varied cookery means extensive apparatus. From
whence is this wrung? From the hard-won earnings of the weary
warehouseman !
Against these abuses my system is a triumphant protest. My rooms
are comfortable without being luxurious, and I devote myself entirely
to the perfection of the succulent and nourishing pie. For the small
sum of sevenpence (the very figure you name) I provide a large beef or
mutton pie, bread, and a pint of porter; should any inordinate appetite
require more, potatoes are forthcoming for one additional penny No-
thing but the veryfinest meat appears on my table; and as a proof of
this (and of my purely disinterested motives in writing to you), I
enclose my butcher's bill for one day, which you are quite at liberty to
publish, together with the name and address of Your obedient servant,
Original Pie Rooms, True Blue-street. I. B. SHARPE.
[We print the enclosure as our correspondent requests : but cannot
divest our mind of the impression that there is some mistake in the
mousers mews, catdogan Street.
Sum,-this cums open as i shall git my muny Tomorrer which i ave
call a manny times an must Ave It them last lot the price was not rose
as was wuth dubbel the muny bein prime fed in a swel naborood let
alone the perleese bein so down on a cove as it nint wuth a cove's wile
and the cats thairselves up to every move an the dawgs was the old

bigger which they was some on em old wimmens spanels a bustin
with good livin i don't want to be nasty But if was to blo upon You
would be wuss for you than yure humbel servvent to command

FLOW down, sweet Tamesis, to the sea
Thy stiff old stream deliver,
No more on thee I'll row, says Skey,
For ever and for ever!
Row boldly, row for pluck or spree ?
The notion makes me shiver,
I'd surely be insane, says Skey,
For ever and for ever.
But here I'll sigh and take my tea
And muse upon the river,
And here of thee will hum, my Skey,
For ever and for ever.
A thousand punts will dream on thee,
A thousand barges-never!
I disagree with thee, my Skey,
For ever and for ever!

The Middlesex Registry.
A UMovUR, since contradicted, that CHIEF JuSTICE BOVILL had
appointed his son, an officer in the 17th Lancers, Registrar of Middlesex,
created a great deal of unnecessary stir. The young soldier would
have been eminently fitted for the sinecure. As a Lancer he could do
all that was wanted-bleed his country.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Wor sB, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by T. BAKER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.O.-
November 9, 1867.

NOVEMBER 16, 1867.]

FUN. 97

PABLO PRIG is a family man,
A Catholic staunch and a Catalan;
HER MAJESTY'S mails he hath to drive-
His oaths are many-his horses five-
Anda, caballitos!
Master is he of a clumsy craft;
It is cranky forward and cranky aft;
A thing of a weird and ogglesome kind,
With a cab in the front and a 'bus behind-
Anda, caballitos !
Yet PABLO PRIG in his inmost soul
Is fond of his calling, upon the whole
Many might think it infra dig.,-
There is none of your pride in PABLO PRIG.
Anda, caballitos !
His visage is dark, his dress grotesque ;-
And a certain air of the picturesque,
Which rather becomes him, possibly springs
From his horror of soap and such-like things-
Anda, caballitos !
To him there is little or no romance
In the frontier limits of Spain and France;
But how he would wonder and stare, poor man,
At a 'bus in the Strand or a PICKFORD'S van!
Anda, caballitos !

In a Hundred Years.
AN extra smile or a burst of tears-
A fine to-day or a dull to-morrow-
A bit more joy or a drop more sorrow-
All the same in a hundred years.
A thousand hopes or a thousand fears-
A lifetime sad or a lifetime wasted-
A cup drained empty or left untasted-
All the same in a hundred years.
If things were thus, as one often hears,
I'd seize the pleasure, I'd leave the sorrow-
Enjoy to-day and defy to-morrow-
All the same in a hundred years.

CORMACK has been produced with success at Drury Lane, under the
title of The Dogs of Venice. Many of the speeches'are much too long,
and this fault naturally makes the play seem a little tedious in parts ;
but the scenery and the dresses are splendid. At the close of the first
act a representation of the Carnival at Venice is given; this tableau-or
series of tableaux-is received with enthusiastic applause. We have
one complaint only to make against it; some of the lady dancers
actually wear black stockings. These abominations should be worn by
nobody but maiden aunts and hospital nurses. Ma. PHELPS, who had
a thundering reception on the first night of the piece, plays Marino
powerfully, but his telescopic method of delivery lengthens the already
lengthy sentences to a dreadful extent. MR. J. C. COWPER, the
Bertuccio, has not quite learned to economize his voice; he dresses
well, however, and acts in a manly way. MR. H. SINCLAIR makes a
somewhat rowdy kind of patrician, :and Ma. BARRETT presides at a
carnival symposium with all th e ponderous gravity of a Lord Chief
Justice. IR. E. PHELPS is mildly in earnest, and contrives to die
game at the termination of the second act. The Angiolina of MRs.
H. VEZIN is charming; if it fails a little in dignity it makes atonement
in grace. The width of this lady's range is really something to marvel
at. The music introduced into The Doge of Venice has been selected
from three or four of the Italian masters, and is very well played by
MR. TULLY'S orchestra. With its magnificent setting and very
creditable acting, the play can scarcely fail to draw for some time; its
production has planted another feather in MR. CHATTERTON'S cap, and
we hope that its success will give a fresh stimulant to his efforts on
behalf of the poetic drama.
A lively farce by MR. W. S. GILBERT, called Allow He to Explain,
has been brought forward at the Prince of Wales's. It is founded
upon a notion that has been used jusqu' d la corde on the other side of
the Channel, both on the stage and in the comic almanacs. Some

Master Tommy has prevailed on Julia to take him out to buy a mask for the
family Guy. This is how the ungrateful monkey shows his appreciation of her
kindness !

very sprightly dialogue reconciles us to the threadbare character of the
subject, and the trifle is pretty smartly played by MEssEs. G. HONEY,
and AUGUSTA WILTON. Ma. RoBERTSON'S Caste continues running as
though it would never stop; and its performance, mellowed by
practice, is now about as perfect as a performance can be.

"And Which !"
WE are surprised and sorry to find the Chronicle-a really excellent
journal, as a rule, and full of interest for lovers of our literature-
falling into a vulgar error, which is the prevailing sin of the age-we
mean the too common misapplication of "and which Our contem-
porary, in an otherwise capital article on Spanish ballads, gives a
version, in which the following verse occurs:-
"Beneath the iron of his lance,
The pennon of a Knight of France
Flew out, in memory of the day
His spear unhorsed the Frankish Knight,
And which he bore from out the fight,
A trophy of that gallant fray.
This error is becoming epidemic. Can nothing be done to teach people
that "and which" is not to be used unless the conjunction couples the
relative to another relative-expressed, and not merely understood-
which refers to the same antecedent? *

An Oos-ance I
THE Emperor of Austria and the King of Prussia met the other day
and breakfasted at Oos. All things considered, we cannot help think-
ing that this friendliness was mere Oos-tentation.
Cur friends the And-which" Islanders would put this sentence into their own
language thus:-" Another relative-expressed, and not merely understood-and
which refers to the same," etc.



[NOVEMBER 16, 1867.

A rosITiox0 of great difficulty to both Italy and France has been
solved by the defeat of the Red Shirts and the capture of GA1lBALDI.
The King of Italy has still a most perilous path to pick; but it is to
be hoped that the fatal necessity of a war between the two nations is
avoided. VICTOR EMMANUEL will have his hands full for some time to
come in settling internal trouble on this score.
OUR Abyssinian expedition is en route, and, if we may trust report,
promises well. The troops are the right men for such a place, and their
Indian style of warfare is calculated to startle his most Christian
Majesty, TnEODORE.
I WISs our internal affairs looked as healthy. Unfortunately, in
spite of itH. DIBRAELI'S triumphant piman at Edinburgh, we have
serious troubles here in the South. Bread and meat riots are not
healthy outbreaks ; and an increasing passion on the part of the lawless
populace for pistolling policemen is becoming too evident.
THE sentence of the Fenian prisoners must have been generally ex-
pected. It is satisfactory to think they have had their case conducted
by MR. SEYMOURe instead of MR. JONES and MR. ROBERTS. I fear
people cannot divest their minds of the impression that these men are
to die, because they are Fenians and rebels-or even because they
rescued Fenian prisoners-not because they committed a cruel and
cowardly murder. I hope, however, that by the time this is in print
MAGUIRE will have been pardoned. I think there is a probability of
his innocence, and in such a case a man should have the benefit of the
I xaow FuN is well known to JAcx," and is popular in the fo'ks'le
-as well as elsewhere. I have, therefore, much pleasure in bringing
to JAcx's notice some admirable rhymes by Ma. GRAY, Assistant Sec-
retary to the Board of Trade. They may be briefly described as
" Steering and'Sailing Rules, thrown into rhyme as aids to memory"
-and here they are:-
Two Steam Ships meeting.
Meeting Steamers do not dread,
When you see three lights ahead-
Pdrp your helm, and show your RED.
Two Steam Ships passing.
Oirux to GREEN- or, RED to RED-
Perfect safety-Go ahead !
Two Steam Ships crossing.
If to your Starboard ReD appear,
'Tis your duty to keep clear;
To act as judgment says is proper-
To Port-or Starboard-Back-or, Stop her
But when upon your Port is seen
A Steamer's Starboard light of GREEN,
There's not so much for you to do
For GSaEE, to Port, keeps clear of you.
General Castion.
Both in.safety and in doubt
Alwaysakcep a good look-out;
In danger, 'with no room, to turn,
Ease hpr !-Stop her!-Go astern l
After the recent collisions in the Thames, these lines come aptly,
and may do good service-for one thing, may bring something to the
funds of the training ships, for they may be bought neatly printed on
card-the proceeds of the sale being handed over for the benefit of the
boys in training.
There is the Illustrated Almanac, with a cover like wall-paper-only I
wouldn't paper any room of mine with it. The Almanac is printed on
fine toned paper and is crammed with illustrations of which the
engraving is as a rule admirable of its kind. But the printing does
little justice to the engraver's labour, and the same remark applies to
all the batch before us, except perhaps the AMagazisc. The cuts do not
ceem to be brought up with any skill, and the result is a bad colour and
" rotten effect. This is a great pity, for some of the pictures are
admirable specimens of engraving, while Graphotype even would be
almost too good for the printing in some instances. Cassell's Magazine
continues to improve. It is a model of a well-edited and well-written
periodical, neither too light nor too heavy, and combining those
generally irreconcilable things, amusement and instruction, in
judicious poportions. The chief story is carefully illustrated by
Mu. BRADLEY-the drawing on page 49 is full of character and truth.
" William Smudge's Amendment" is a remarkably clever story. The
Quiver is well conducted, and some of the stories are well told, but the
invariable introduction of the "goody element (which of course is, I
know, an essential part of the scheme of the Quiver) seems to me a little
overdone. Some of the illustrations are good-that on page 73 is
curiously bad, by the way. I can't close my notice, however, without
recording my protest against an article by the Rav. J. B. OWEN on
WELLLNGTON and NAPOLEON, for its bigotry and unfairness. Everybody's

Year Dook reaches me from MESSRs. WYMAN. It is a useful almanac
and contains (besides the usual articles without which no gentleman's
almanac is complete ") a dinner carte for every day in the year. This
feature will recommend it to the friends of the Barmecide, who can
feast off it easily and plentifully.
Ix Broadway, Brakespeare pushes on briskly, and grews in in-
terest; and there is a paper by BuCHAAN on Walt Whitman which
should by no means be overlooked. Musical Critics Criticised" is
another of those "-surgical" papers for which Broadway is noted-we
trust the operation will do good. Bull in the Whale's Belly is
good Carlylese, though the likeness is rather of manner than matter.
The verse is not quite so good this month. Love's Looking-Glass "
halts somewhat, especially when it reflects in French, and as it is not
poetry, but only common verse, might have rhymed more than the
alternate lines. Mere versifiers, as most of us are, we ought to be very
particular as to the mechanism of what we write-the poets can play
pranks if they please.

Life's ihut vanity,
All its visions of blissmust 'fade;
Hopes that we cherish,
Must swiftly perish,
Vows are-broken as soon asmagde.
Poor Humanity I
No urbanity
Greets a man on his way-througklife;
Fortune will beat him,
And foes defeat him,-
HeMllbe snubb'd by a scolding wife.
Poor Humanity !
'What insanity,
That a man should ever he born;
IfWhe starts thinking
He'll take to drinking,
Reeling home with the milk At monm.
Poor Humanity!
Foul profanity
Greets a man in the London streets,
Life is a muddle,
A dream, a puddle,
Plenty the bitters, and few the sweets.
Poor Humanity!
What inanity
Shows, my friend, in each face we see,
Still we'll be merry-
So pass the sherry,
This is a fabula told de te.

The Upset Price.
THE miscreant who attempts to upset a train receives a severe
sentence at the hands of the law-and very justly, too. But the
speculator, promoter, financier, or what you please to term him (a
word of one syllable would suffice), when he upsets a whole company
of shareholders-literally taking the bread out of the mouths of widows,
orphans, and gentlewomen, gets-what does he get ? In all probability
-a testimonial.

*.^ ^--


THE time for the reviewing of illustrated books is at hand, and
although at first sight these columns are hardly suited for the grave
discussion of art topics, our readers must admit that it is fun to
ee a writer in a comic paper teaching solemn critics their work, as we
had to do last year, and shall have to do again, probably, this winter.
Critics, as BYaoN says, "are ready made," and too many of the writers
who discourse wisely about engraving haven't served their appren-
ticeship to their work. The over-lay-cutter and machine-man who
at the printing-office, when they call there, would rub shoulders with
them if they were not shy of his inky jacket, could teach them more
of their business in ten minutes than they have learnt in all their lives.
We don't suppose the gentleman who crilicised the art-books for
the P. Ml. G. last Christmas will be allowed to shine in that line this
year. Whether the London Review critic does or does not, is not a
matter of much importance. The Saturday Review critic has opened
on the subject and there is hope for him, for he evidently begins
young." He throws off (in an article on Illustrations," on Nov. 2nd)
with the theory that wood-engraving is giving up its original metier,
by making itself the slave of the designer in becoming fac-simile
cutting, which means trying to look like etching "-we condense his
remarks into this handy form. Every statement he makes is erro-
neous, but the error is only the error of ignorance, not the error of
wilful misapprehension, and there is hope that a writer with his
appreciation of art may yet learn a little more of wood engraving ere
he writes again.
To say that wood-enmgraving is striking out a new line in fac-simile-
cutting is nonsense. Has the Saturday reviewer ever seen DURERn's
wood-cuts ? They are very early samples of the art, and they are
fac-simile !
To say that fac-simile cutting tries to be like etching is nonsense,
too. If the draughtsman's design is like etching, so must the engraving
be, or it is not fac-simile. But does the Saturday critic know RETHEL'S
pictures ? Their broad, effective lines are far beyond the reach of
etching .needle and acid!
The critic compares tint-engraving, or the cutting of washed
drawings, with fjac-simile engraving, very much to the depreciation of
the latter. He talks about the lines of the engraver being invented
and arranged to interpret the tinting of the draughtsman." He has
yet to learn that particular tools cut particular tints, and that the
master engraver can set a 'prentice hand (who begins his lessons by
cutting tint) to cut it, just as knitting-books direct ladies to "pearl"
so many, take two together and "slip" one. (Of course, juet as
there are neat knitters and slovenly, there are good tint-cutters and
bad.) When fac-simile cutting is to be done, the work, though it
seems equally mechanical, is really more difficult. It is very well to
say that it is only cutting away the white spaces, and leaving the
designer's lines "-but let our friend the critic try his hand! If the
leaving lines and clearing out of spaces be all that is needed in fac-
simile cutting, why is the Graphotype, to which he compares it, so
grievous a failure, when compared with hand-work ? To cut a drawing
jac-simile, the engraver must enter into the artist's spirit and know the
value of the least line-for a mere hnir's-breadth, more or less, destroys
it. In truth-and it would be well for the critics to learn this, once
for all-both styles of engraving require skill, patience, intelligence,
experience, and each is admirable in its way-each is necessary, for
there are some effects fac-simile cannot render, because the designer
can't give them ; and some effects that tint cannot approach. One more
note for our critical friend and we have done-when a block by Sandys,
Leighton, or any of the big men is being engraved, the engravers call
in the aid of photography, and take a portrait of the drawing; so that
they are not "without a guide for corrections," and do not destroy
the original utterly."
All this preface leaves us little space for the book which suggested
the discourse--North Coast, and other Poems, by ROBERT BUCIHANAN.
Fortunately the book does not need much-it speaks for itself. The
poems are among MR. BuCHANAN's best, being for the most partpoems
relating to the trials and sorrows of the very poorand the sinful. One
line in the "Ballad-maker" is worth bushels of "proverbial phi-
losophy" :-
'Tis hardtc i( .. ..n .- ..., i :I.i
Through th .1 ,. ... I.I. I .. bread;
And being . .. :.
That line should be written up at the Poor Law Board, in all unions,
and-since the Metropolitan Act has begun to deprive poor hawkers
and costers of the chance of earning the "bit o' bread "-in all the
police-courts of London. For the excellence of the drawings the
names of the artists employed give a sufficient guarantee, and the
BROTHERS DALXZIEL appear to have taken extra pains to teach the un-
learned critics that they can cut in tint and fa -sinmile equally well.
Altogether, MEssRS. ROUTLEDGE's Att-book bids fair to be one of
the first if not the first of the season.

A LONDON poet sang of late
In exquisitely tender verses,
How in their whirl the wheels of Fate,
Changed cars of triumph into hearses.
He said St. James's wit and smiles
Were trodden under foot by shoddy-
Bah! let me sing about St. Giles,
And chronicle the sin of toddy.
Long years ago, St. Martin's Fields
Were ripe with grain and purple clover
Where grisly thieves the Kitchen shields,
And yellow 'busses topple over;
The very spot, where roso the lark
To sing its song to all creation,
Is given over after dark
To deathly deeds and desolation.
Just where the parson from his door
Relieved the sorrows of the humble,
The workhouse shields the houseless poor,
Who execrate the mighty Bumble.
A thousand nightingales in song
Have warbled melodies for ages,
Where now canary-sellers throng,
And linnets chirp in tiny cages.
Where Strephon sighed and sighed to win,
And dainty Phyllis churned her butter,
The costermonger shrieks for gin,
And helpless rolls ab6ut the gutter;
Wh.re Sacharissa neathh her fan,
Was smiling at his lordship's raving,
The ragged wife adores the man,
Who beats her head against the paving.
There's not a spot and not a stone,
But spoke a poem when we met it,
That does not echo to the moan
Of poverty-ldo we regret it ?
If we have sorrow fr St. James,
And sing about its loss of swelldom,
We needs must. wcep S!. (Giles's shames,
Although we think about them soldonm.

Quantum M!utatus.
Mit. OaoAN, Inspector of Released Convicts in Ireland, in a paper
lately read at Belfast, announces that by procuring employment for
prisoners immediately on discharge, and by inspiring them with a
sense of personal obligation to him, he has been enabled to restore
large numbers to honesty and respectability. Such an amelioration of
the felon is indeed an O cAN-ic change, and we should like to see a
good many instruments playing the same tune !

Cut and Shave.
A BATARIAN journal, the Gazette de JKr'mp/en, announces its intention
to publish daily a bulltin des meunsonyes, in which the eanreds of the
day will be kept distinct from the authentic news. It would bh well
if our English papers would take the hint, and have the sub-editorial
department thus divided under the right heads, though it might not
be always essays to keep the canards to their separate pen. '1The
wilder of the scissors might at least keep all the shear absurdities in
a column by themselves.

THE only daughter of the Indian chief "Spotted Tail" is finishing
her education at Omaha, where she learns Italian and mx:sic. Of course
the young lady cannot bear the odious name by which her father is
known, and so we suppose she is called Miss PEACOCK, by those who
teach her to play the peahenno!

"Gousset, Gousset, Gander !"
TiE chief French restaurateur at the Paris Exhibition is reported to
be a bankrupt, and his liabilities are estimated at 1,500,000 francs.
There can be no doubt that the grasping meanness and mismanagement
of the Imperial Commission must be held responsible fur his failure.
This is not the only instance in which they fratricidally killed the
gousset with the golden eggs.

THE B st Substitu.te for Silver "-Gold.

NovMBEnR 16, 1867.]

-K ..,s, ,' .,-.-. -,.---.:.

I "-": K' j'" ...
"-' 1-'H ,y\',

AS T.E ACT I .IRECTS. greens an' sh ain't got no sale BOW, not even in back turnn', and as
t ow s e to open yer water trap above a whisper. It's all agin us-.that. s

ain't no reason in the way we're 'arrissed. Why, I was a-tryin' to find a tur.in' where I could get o-t o' the way
way omo littery gents, as found out all about us coasters, says as we ot to pint to the riins and .- as is hng inuridow


AS THE ACT DIRECTS. on gre Has an ody been fish ain't fo r to take no even in back turr-in, and as
ent as rr blowd our gaff, or at least he thought as he did, whenR for hots, as etchei of yourself hoarse,1t's a month without the into o. win-
e got 'old f B G an one or two more arkfine to open yer tater trap above a whisper. t's all audd n W-hat abot
Couple I an b to know s, if anybody can taboutell where we sall all ways. Bless his there iunis. There aits no interfering' with the 'Anems, as i always is
i Me and theart-a s was stout party, with a whit e 'at an' a green a-lingerin' up an', down for a fre;rs there's no puin' up ofhgi the shop-

waterproof-if he didn't gethrig'lar conflumptioned with the waythey meat art over the pavement. and yellin like ad fr *- .
asgge I'm told there's a reward offered by Guvwasn ent r the l st as dikl keepers as sends out butcher boys an' butter boys takin' up the pave-
covers perpetiwal motion-and if Sin Imprint ain't a-trng'l ar ter mernt with trays and base d s; at th i a mar can only ....uare it wit
the prize with us as is always put on the go by the perlice, t hen there the price, an' p ays rates an' taxes, he's as safe as the Ban'k.

wa're irove clean off of every kerb, and hunted down even to the wery wasn't for bwi' honest, I'd J tu,: 1.w .er. I cu an' teont to the onlyphre
ain't no reason in the wa were arrissed lon Ack," hey calls Ire wase're ar to fid on, rnin' where I could out the way
It was ad enuf all round the llyle Exhange and them parts as is of the coppers, close to your office, yesterday, and ame pprdivsit tou c a
rode over by the Lk him a which may a timnte I've seed iis own ilb where there was second-hand future to sell, an' nt quite off pll
oarridge a-stoppin' the way, and passengers turned off of the pave- the footway neither, as a feller-the very ugliwa st Chey as I ever
meant in front o' the 3lanshin House for to make room for the company see --was sweeping the dust in clouds over the gents as passed his
as was a-beillin' set down to a dinner; what's more, things 'as one so shop. harnt was done to 'ihat the? Nothing. M hen he was to aen
fur afore now as for one ortnd t parties to l.. e hove brd sla under it,. he ups and cheekpps the lot, an' says, if people didn't like it they
ing horsess 'oofs by the officers as was took off their duty to act at the n musteross overto the otherside. Have heri yt authority." :. tn pr.as
Rlite Honorable's street door. It used to be bad enuf all about ths ,r show ? TI t I --: LE'..- dJ": ; done away with .. ,
when a cove was 'ad up and couldn't ekam a tsenoh yennep-as is the side the f:t ?ri-, '.:r' t.', .,.1 up. -r elde the shop-walkers as comes
way some litter gents, as found out all about, us posters, says as we out to pint to the ribbins and t- v. !h as is hung- intbow-wi-d' s w
talk back'ards, and means earning' a honest penny." There was one Has anybody been forted for to take down them there nattnt .
gent as regular blowed our gaff, or at least he thought as he did, when lights, as ketches you .ne for your nob when you looks into, the win-
he got 'old of BILL Giuct an' one or two more larky ones, as he stood der where they're over your file and gets up sudden:' W hct ab:.out
a couple o' bob to for them to tell him all about our ways. Bless his the flunkeys as waits outside in Regent-strEet while their mnise s is
inttrsent heart-as was a stout party, with a white 'at an' a green a-shoppin'? and is the bnuthers to be summensd Pr hargi' their
waterproof--if he didn't get regular conflumptioned with the way they meat arf over the pavement and yollin' like mad f -
gagged into 'im; for why, there wasn't no gaff to blow pertikler, only an' buy their block ernyments ? Whatabout the v. ti.. .
le troedd have it, and set it all down in print as regular as clockwork, as lounges about the dous at the warious courts, .
'['hat was in the good old times, mind yer! not as we thought 'em good traffic at the sessions, an' fills thi c -.... an' menop lies the
then ; but they was a precious sight better than these here, when bars, an' perwades space everyl.,.- 4FE. sick en it i aw' If it
we're thovo clean off of every kerb, and hunted down even to the wery wasn't for being' honest, I'd j t L, t' Z. 1-1 an' sent to the Ounl- lI)I;e
slhais, as the Ack directs. "Street Reggilation Ack," they calls it, where we're no: movedi on, t. r ,t.- dLn' a I -ir's rattle.
but it's aUl fur to drive us posters to the elusial ward, as I wish some
Mpjrity gent, like him as went to Lambeth Workis, 'ud just try a spell
o' atsildoor costerin', an' go out with It barrier load 'o dmhl.nd fruit All-en the Downs,
0r a eibillin' at 'undord walnuts, orelao "..,, I 'i. s,,lih' t-,t five WrV learn with regret that the Loux MkyoR is ., ie m a,
oir f rtielec for a penny, and try to Jltt -..,It Ili,. broad belcher .4liult cold. It appeacs that lHis Worshipfl attendd at the tutlh
jinog at' tbho wddie' ring, that, if it ain't c:.t tho h ,",le uil," mark, is ,nx Ih,. 1th inst. "dressed in a, little brier authority." Comimn pm-
got the 1latcl"In ilh',, an' the elegant I pin, :[1.' I0. somnethiuk denee, ono would think, should have dictite4 that 4%ch a gAirl
Itlony antd moinethink ameusin', all wrapped in a shoet o' songs. LWhy, totally inadequate to i. n % ,..tii "a Ca Novnube e>V i-lluden.

F JIN.-NOVEMBER 16, 1867.

_____ 2'. 9

'I C
't .~

~ C" I I;


~ -




NOVEMBER 16, 186-7.] F U N 103

MR S. BRE OW N 1N AMERIC A. I felt 'urt with BRowN and didn't say no more and kept dark about
it, and only got out of Mus. SKIDMORE where thornm Justices was to b
(Continued fr'm our last.) 'card on, as she told were the city 'all, and then, I says to myself,
I'll go to-morrer if I'm alive, as I know'd the spot well through being
She'd been and walked me down into a werry low part where there a place as is that conspicuous with them cars all about it, and willer
was a great crowd, and seemed like the docks. Well, I was a-starin' trees a waving, and all manner, and a crowd on the steps all a-waitin'
about me a-thinkin' which way I'd go, when a feller just close by me for that justice as is not always to be got, for I had to wait ever so
stoops down and picks up a pocket book, and says to me, "You've long afore I could get even to speak to 'im as wouldn't tell my busi-
dropped this." I says, 0, dear no." ness to no perlice as were a-standin' all about; but I know'd a trick
Ife says, You must 'ave, for there ain't no one else near as looks worth two of that as would 'ave give the office pretty quick to that
like it." I says, What's in it ? other perlice as would 'ave diwided the swag no doubt, as the sayin' is.
Well," he says, It's money, I guess, and opens it, and there sure I waited ever so long, and as there wasn't no chance of getting' 'old
enough was lots of them paper dollars." So, I says, "My good of that justice, as I wanted, till I was that tired as I said I'd go 'ome
man, it ain't mine, and if you finds out them as 'ave lost it, you'll be and ask BMns. CHAUNCEY for to come with me, through 'er known' of 'er
rewarded 'ansome for your honesty. way about as 'ave been a long time among 'em, and never did got into
"Ah," he says, "no doubt; but," he says, I'm off by the steamer, sich a car for crowding' and obligated for to stand up all the way in the
as I can't afford to lose my passage, though I should be glad of the middle of that car, as jolted me frightful and pitched me on to parties
reward, for I'm a poor hemigrant as 've a wife and large family, and knees as wasn't pleasant in their ways, and my feet a throbbin' like
am come over 'ere to earn a livelihood, and'ave left a mother at'ome as mad all the way and only got a seat just as I got near 'ome, and told
is a old lady as I should be glad to send 'er a trifle." I says, That's the man as drove as he did ought to be ashamed of himself to take
right to think of your mother; but," I says, why didn't you bring more than 'is number, as all he answered were 'Ow "
the old lady ? "
Oh," he says, "'er healthh was that bad, and I never would 'ave
left 'er but for distress." "Ah," I says, "it's drove a many to DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
desperation; but," I says, I can't keep this 'ere pocket book and all No. 3
the money." o. 36.
Oh," he says, "do, and you can advertise it to got the reward." IN the Law's grip safe each one
"Well," I says, "but where can I send it to you ?" Stands, and justice must be done.
Oh," he says, "never mind me, give me a dollar or two, and I Not with wild revenge or hate,-
shall be satisfied." "Well," I says, "you can take 'em out of the All must feel compassionate,
pocket book, and I'll explain to them as owns it." For those who in an evil hour
He says, Oh, no, I wouldn't touch a cent of it as they might say Rose to o'erthrow old England's power,
as you'd been a tamperin' with it, as would p'raps' take away my For such actions they must die-
character as am only a stranger myself jest from England." Law," Thus we crush conspiracy.
I says, "that is singular, so am I," and I quite took to that young
man. "But" I says, "are you.a going' away for good?" "Well," 1
he says, "I may be back in a week or two, and am always to be 'card
on at this housee close by." The row went on till there were left
I says, Why not leave the hook there." Oh," he says, I shall Some whisker and four eyes,
miss the boat, I can't stop a minute; but," he says, "you'll make a lot Those hapless crittursiboth bereft
of money, and I shall be satisfied with five dollars." Of-sight, as I surmise,
Well, I thought as any one as owned the pocket book would be glad 2
to pay five dollars, so I takes the money out of my pocket, leastways, -
I took out two or tree of them notes, and afore I could count 'em He said that "imago" a gertnd in go
that chap says, that'll do, and grabs the lot, and was off in a instant, Was surely; the schoolboy, you see, dild' t'kow.
and there I was a-standin' with the pocket book in my 'and. I see a Such ignorance faith in his teacher would shake,
werry respectable oostanin' party as were a minister I should say, so I And when he said that,-pray, sir, what did he make ?
goes up to 'im and says," Excusemsne-Sir, but what would you advise -3.
me to do withtAbis 'ere pocket book full of money as a poor man "-I A maiden clung to her in olden days,
hadn't got no:rmore out when that.good for nothing willing says, "'ere And was rewarded by this lady's praise,
policeman, and,pints to me as that perlice' collared immediate.
I says, Whatever do you mean ? 4.
Says the perlice, I knows all about it, I've been watching' you and A bard might say this is a bourne
your 'complice, a fixin' the business." From which no trav'ller can return,
I says, "I ain't gotmno complice, .as am from Brooklyn." "Jersey, Without, ah 1 most unhappy fellow,
you mean," says the perlice. A certain organ wrong, and yellow..
I say's, "No, I am not from Jersey, though a aunt of my dear 6
mother s lived there and could buy a bottle of brandy for a shillin' and
no duty on tea." In colours red and golden,
"Ah," says the perlice, "a regular bad lot." He says, "You step It comes amid a throng,
with me as the justice will soon settle with you." With leaves that when unfolden
I says, "What are the justice got to do with it as only wants to Give story, tale, or song.
advertise the lot, as no doubt the numbers is stopped." Yes," says And ne'er since I'remember,
the perlice, we've stopped a.good many, so come on." ,In all my blessed days,"
I says, I don't want to come; you can take the money and when Have more come in November
the rightful owners claims it, you can give me my reward, as I've paid To win our blame or praise.
'the poor man as found it." 6.
Well, I see the perlice look at the minister as said, "I think she's
speaking' the truth." I says, In course I am, why shouldn't I ? A word that we know in reality's Greek,
So the perliceman says, Now you'd better go 'ome and mind 'ow That speaks of your mind whether clever or weak,
you talks to any one as you meets in the streets, or you'll get into
trouble," and the minister says, "'Get 'ome at once, for this is a wicked ANSWER TO AOcosT'r No. 34.
place." D Dane B
So I says to the perlice, I shall take your number, and make it my I bid D)
business for to enquire into what you does with that money," so off I S Salviati I
walks, and if that minister and the perlice didn't keep on the broad R Ruin N
grin; but I didn't want none of their impidence, so the perlice put me A Arab B
in a car as was a-going my way home. E Eringo O
When I got 'ome I 'never said a word to nobody till BnowN come in, L Lumper R
and then I told 'im what 'ad happened and he only says, Oh! rub- I lo 0
bish, it's some of your cock-and-a-bull stories." I says, "I don't
want none of your jeers and sneers Ma. BnoW, .as am not a fool for ConMeCT SOLrTIONS or ACeosTIC No. 34, ]ECIvrED Nov. Gth :--Ruby.
to pay money-out of my pocket without a seen' ae I'm likely to get
money's worth, for that pocket book was full of notes." A MOTTo rOR A GnROCER.-In tc(a) spes est.


[NOVEMBER 16, 1867.

r-ROM east and south the
holy clan
>1 Of bishops gathered, to a
man ;
To Synod called Pan-An-
In flocking crowds they
Among them was a bishop,
0_ who
S s IHnad lately been appointed to
The balmy isle of Rum-
And Peter was his
His people-twenty-three in sum-
They played the eloquent tum-tum
And lived on scalps served up in rum-
The only sauce they knew.
When first good Bishop Peter came
(For Peter was that bishop's name),
To humour them, he did the same
As they of Rum-ti-foo.
His flock, I've often heard him tell,
(His name was Peter) loved him well,
And summoned by the sound of bell,
In crowds together came.
Oh, massa, why you go away ?
Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay!"
(They called him Peter people say,
Because it was his name.)
He told them all good boys to be,
And sailed away across the sea,
At London Bridge that Bishop he
Arrived one Tuesday .night-
And as that night he homeward strode
To his Pan-Anglican abode
He passed along the Borough Road
And saw a gruesome sight.
He saw a crowd assembled round
A person dancing on the ground,
Who straight began to leap and bound
With all his might and main.
To see that dancing man he stopped,
Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped,
Then down incontinently dropped
And then sprang up again.
The Bishop chuckled at the sight,
This style of dancing would delight
A simple Rum-ti-foozleite,
I'll learn it if I can,
To please the tribe when I get back."
He begged the man to teach his knack,
Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack !"
Replied that dancing man.
The dancing man he worked away
And taught the Bishop every day-
The dancer skipped like any fay-
Good PETER did the same.
The Bishop buckled to his task
With battements, cuts, and pas de basque
(I'll tell you, if you care to ask,
That PETER was his name.)

" Come, walk like this," the dancer said,
"Stick out your toes-stick in your head,
Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread-
Your fingers thus extend,
The attitude's considered quaint."
The weary Bishop, feeling faint,
Replied, I do not say it ain't,
But time, my Christian friend I"

" We now proceed to something new-
Dance as the PAYNEs and LAvUIS do,
Like this-one, two-one, two-one, two!"
The Bishop never proud,
But in an overwhelming heat
(His name was PETER, I repeat)
Performed the PAYNE and LAaRI feat,
And puffed his thanks aloud.
Another game the dancer planned-
" Just take your ankle in your hand,
And try, my lord, if you can stand-
Your body stiff and stark.
If, when revisiting your see,
You learnt to hop on shore-like me-
The novelty would striking be,
And must attract remark."


No," said the worthy Bishop, no;
That is a length to which, I trow,
Colonial Bishops cannot go.
You may express surprise
At finding Bishops deal in pride-
But, if that trick I ever tried,
I should appear undignified
In Rum-ti-foozle's eyes.
"The islanders of Rum-ti-foo
Are well-conducted persons, who
Approve a joke as much as you,
And laugh at it as such;
But if they saw their Bishop land,
His leg supported in his hand,
The joke they wouldn't understand-
'Twould pain them very much "

A CORRESPONDENT wishes us to tell him what sort of salad a merman
and mermaid hugging each other would be taking. Then, without
waiting for an answer, he says, water-c(a)resses." To aggravate the
insult he adds that he is an old soldier himself at dry humour, but sends
this to FUN because the latter is a wetter-'un.

NOVEMBER 16, 1867.] F U N 105

WERE I but monarch for a day-
For just one day-of these dominions,
I'd make reforms in such a way,
That there could be no two opinions!
I'd do away with party strife,
Whip Liberal hounds off Tory haunches;
And prune with an unsparing knife
Each Government Department's branches.
The poor should:be employed and paid,
The workhouse be a home for beadles,
And all the slopsellers be made.
To find their workers food-and needles!
Reviewers all should speak the truth,
And pen and ink be locked from fools;
And Government should find our youth
At once in playgrounds and in schools.
Lawyers should really earn their fees,
And doctors keep us well-not ill;
And those, who liked, should have their.teas, I
And those, who liked, their beer should. swill;
And alL religions should be viewed ....
With, rev'rence, tolerance, and fairness;
And Bigotry should ne'er intrude,
And Charity should lose its rareness.
I'd teach each man in that one day
To fear his God and love his neighbour,
I'd all abuses sweep away;
And when night came, to end my labor,
And I once more, for great and small,
The Golden Age's dance had led off-
should not feel surprised at all
If they turned round and out my head off! h c

Our Sore.
A raw months ago the RA.TAH OF MYSORE spent
between seven and ten thousand pounds in celebrating
his birthday, and, last summer, a. still larger sumron-the L FOL mT.
occasion of his adopting a son. Now, he applies for. LE OLLET.
grant of thirty thousand to celebrate his investiture European Eccentricity :-" WHAT FUNNY-LOOKING CREATURES THESE
with the Star of India. If he goes on in this way he POREIGNERS ARE! "
can hardly be surprised if we decline any longer to Asatic ditto :-" KO AMA TZE TE o "-(Whic, being intpreted,
recognize so extravagant a prince as a Mhso et-ly .as ta ai e as ":s osc (lnuo.) N o e O intr t
RAnAH. means the same as the above.)

The Man for Galway. $wfe~eX on (~da orsge ot)olt.
WE are a little puzzled to see the object of this advertisement :- [ e cannot return rejected M8. or Skethes unless they are, accompanied
AIATRIMONY.-A Gentleman of Independence, aged 25, who can trace, and by a stam edand, directed eneelop. rWe can take a notaeeof omnmisa-
satisfactorily prove, descent on both. sidesreom A.D. 1305, desires to meet a t~os wit illegiblegatures ornperms.]
Young Lady of moderate fortune, to be retained in her own rigut; honour strictly
observed. Address for one week, --, care of -, Galway. H. C. L. (Hoddesdon.)-We do not require acrostics.
How can this very independent gentleman trace his descent on both strike us as particularly coicuss estions of religions belief; they don.t
sides from AnD. 1305 There must be two lnags-tkuts n eaes, poatury tomicisubj ects.
sides from A.D. 1305 Theremustbetwoyears-not necessarily long W. W. N. (Warwick) is "persuaded" that a mild joke he sends us is
years-one for each side! Then, does he never stir outside his house ? good enough for our columns. He should not sufferbimselftobe persuaded
If he does, he can hardly walk far without meeting a young lady of so readily.
more or less moderate fortune. And, since all he wishes to do is to W. G. (Llandudno.)-Not of sufficient general interest.
meet her-he does not express a wish to speak to her, even-surely X.-The rumour had been contradicted, so the joke wouldn't do as it
there need be no such great stress on the fact that she will retain her stood.
fortune, unless he wishes to indulge in a little highway robbery. We SAuc.-We can see how awiseman wounded mightbe, classically, sage
are surprised he only gives the "address for one week ;" one would sacdus. But "sausage." and "sore sage" are too Cockneyfied I
have fancied he intended it for any number of weaks! S.~-We fear you'll.never master the rudiments of verse.
hy E. W. F. (5, Duke-street, Portland-place.)-Go to hear the Christy's
Minstrels by all means, but don't send us their jokes as if they were your
A Word and a Blow. own.
F. B. W. C. O.-It is a little too good of you to send us "Mrs. Brown at
QUOTH Tomxis This gale has now lasted a week, Oxford." Just turn to your dictionary and'look up the word "'Plagiarist."
Yet is still hizh as ever, thinks I! P. Y. (Cambridge.)-" A Bright Idea" has occurred to five hundred
Quoth Jones "You've not far for the reason to seek.- people before it dawned on you!
It's blown so, of course, 'twill be high!" B. C. (Paddington.)-Artists will caricature their editor at times I
OLD SAILOR.-Right you star-we mean, are!
MoNGeoosE.-That depends on the quantity. Certainly, if it's worth it.
Butcher-Surgeons. Declined with thanks:-Pro Bone Pimlico; T. E. C. C., High Holborn;
THE butchers have held a meeting at Northampton to discuss the Nobbs; Observer; T. D., Peckham; R. H. Y., Hampstead; S. D. ;
necessity of bleeding calves to death. We wish the London butchers Fudge; G. B Canonbury Park; C. E. Y., Isle of Wight; C. F. S.,
would reflect for a moment on the prices they are charging, and hold Birmin hlam; V C. S., Waterloo; T. S.; i W. C. B.; Truth; W. S.
a meeting to discuss the necessity of bleeding their customers so, Mc hesea; Betrayal ; H. N.; A. H., DonninBton T H; S. D.,
Gravesend; J. P. T., Holloway; M. H., Brighten; A. J. B., Alfred-
place; L. C., Liverpool; F. M.; an illegible L. L. D. of Dublin;
"SWEET are the uses of adversity."-What matters it to the man, G. F. N., Sevenoaks; H. N., Kew; R. S., Kidderminster; A. C., George-
with an empty pocket how high the price of butcher's meat may be ? yard, Lombard-street.


[NOVEMBER 16, 1867.

Jack (who is riding a sporting lieutenant's horse to cover) :-" Lurr-LorrF, YE LUBBERS, OR I SHALL EB ABOARD OF yE !"

WE have great pleasure in inserting the following letter, signed
"Penny-a-liner." Our correspondent belongs to a hard-working and
intelligent class of men, who are for ever made the butt of small wits.
Better, say we, the "devouring element" of the penny-a-liner than
the condensed fog of those who, like the writer of the advertisement
quoted below, sacrifice sense to brevity. If the former expands the
word fire into six syllables to turn his penny, 'tis an honest artifice ;
but, in order to try to save a little on an advertisement, the latter mis-
leads the whole world. It is mean !
SIR,-I appeal to your sense of justice, and that noble impartiality
which is the palladium, &c.* While perusing my daily paper the
other morning, my usually quiet and retired neighbourhood-I beg
pardon, disposition-was thrown into an alarming state of &c.* On
investigation, the excitement was found to have arisen from the follow-
ing advertisement:-
LOST, on the 3rd October, between Salisbury and Ryde, vif Portsmouth, a
BROWN SILK UMBRELLA, with a rhinoceros horn handle, crook shape.
Whoever will communicate with Mr. street, Belgrave-square, shall receive
Well, Sir, I did communicate with Mr. I not only com-
municated, sir, but I threw my commiserations into a lyrical form, as
you will perceive.
Sir, I lament as you should have lost your umbrella,
A brown silk one, with a handle made of the horn of a rhinoceros.
If I said I didn't sympathize sincerely, sir, I should tell a
Falsehood, which wouldd be gross flattery to describe as most

We omit some well-known rhrases here.-En.

Since said handle was a crook shape, I hope you soon will get it
back again
By hook or by crook; and if not a-taking of too much latitude,
Shall be happy to communicate, if agreeable, in less than a crack
As often as you like, 'on the very same terms-expecting one
pound with much gratitude.
Would you believe it, sir, the gent has never taken the least notice
of my sympathetic communication, in spite of his inviting such and
offering the same ?-Yours, PENNY-A-LINER.

Food for Laughter.
THE following delicious bit occurs in a letter published in the Times
of the 30th ult:-
SIR,-The Times having taken up the subject of cheap food, it is now in every-
body's mouth.
What is in everybody's mouth-the Times ? or cheap food P? For
the sake of the digestion of the public we hope not the former, and in
the interest of humanity we fear not the latter. Could we but believe
the fact it would be the best clap of thunder we have heard for a long
time-it would, by JOVE !

(Tele)graphic Language.
SINCs the hoax about the Fenian rising at Reepham, the Daily
Telegraph appears to have been very much on its guard, and is deter-
mined not to make another mistake. As a proof of the excessive care
it exercises to prevent error, we may quote from a recent article on the
SHAW and LOMAX cases. The D. T. stated that the former person was
committed, with hard labour, for brutality to a young female servant
girl." It was determined there should be no mistake about the sex.

Primed by JUDD & GLASS. Pl-entx WorEs, t. Andree's Bill, Doctors' Commons, and Pnbl'.phed (for the Proprietor) by THOMAS UAKER, at 80, Fltet-treet, E. j.-
LONDOm November 16, 1867.

NOVEMBER 23, 1867.] F U 'N.




Tobacconist (to youth who has been turning over the stock of pipes for the last
quarter of an hour, and has bought nothing) :-"Air, I SEE WHAT IT IS! YOU'RE

A PAROICAL comedy in two acts, Kind to a Fault, has been highly
successful at the Strand; it runs upon the difficulties incurred by a
rich and amiable gentleman through giving way to the impulses of a
good nature. Out of these difficulties, MR. WILLIAM BROUGH has
built a very ingenious and bustling plot. The dialogue, though a little
diffuse in the middle of the second act, is brisk; and everybody seems
to go out and come in exactly at the right moment. MR. BELFORD has
a part which fits him to a hair; he is genial, inconsequent, full of
heart and utterly destitute of thought. He looks and acts as though
he had never felt for an instant the responsibility of having a purpose.
Miss FANNY GWYNNE plays with singular grace and earnestness, and
MaR. PARSELLE makes a character out of the jealous husband. MR. D.
JAMES and Miss ELIZA JOHNSTONE are lively as a pair of comic
domestics. Actors and author were loudly called for at the end of the
first performance.
The revival of MORTON'S comedy, The Way to Get Married, is not
likely to do the coffers of the Olympic much good; the piece is utterly
unworthy of its author's reputation. Even the small measure of
success that attends its re-production is due to the performers, who
exert themselves manfully to keep it on its legs. Ma. CHARLES
MATHEWS, with all his liveliness, has hard work in making the character
of Tangent seem real. MR. HENRY NEVILLE pleasantly astonishes us
by his ease and vivacity as Dashall; this gentleman's high-comedy
light has for some time been carefully hidden under a melo-dramatic
bushel. His acting in MORTON'S play is charmingly gay and imper-
tinent. Miss E. FARREN'S Clementina Allspice is the best thing in the
piece-the very perfection of snobbery and heartlessness. Clementina
is one of the most loathsome females in comic drama; Mrss FARREN
gives the boarding-school curtsey-the dollish simper-the avaricious
toadyism of talk-admirably. In short, she makes Miss Allspice as
contemptible as the drawbacks of a pretty face and figure will permit.
We saw some performing Arabs at the Egyptian Hall a few days

I CANNOT let you link your fate
In such a fate as mine;
The rapture of a wedded state
At present I resign.
We might be happy, but I fear
Our chances are but small:-
I like you very much, my dear,
And love you-not at all.
Long, long ago I had a thought
Of making you my wife;
Since then experience has taught
The lesson of a life.
The vows you loved so much to hear
'Tis useless to recall:-
I like you very much, my dear,
And love you-not at all.
Before this year that's dying out
Has altogether died,
You'll find another love, no doubt,
And I another bride.
At least, I'd better be sincere
(Whatever may befall);-
I like you very much, my dear,
And love you-not at all.

SCATTER broadcast Ecraps of Latin,
Sentences of grammar Greek,
French-of course, if you are pat in-
Make your yellow lady speak.
Make your hero wild and frantic,
Let him on iced pudding sup-
Hang society pedantic-
As a flow'r it cometh up."
Coin a heroine exotic,
Make her blasphemous-you can-
Talking nonsense idiotic
For an ordinary man.
In rich palaces and hovels
This will MR. MumDE sell;
Yes the public naughty novels,
Loves-" Not wisely but too well."

ago. Let us hope, for the sake of the dyspeptic, that the fascinating
creatures are not going to exhibit in public. One of them has a habit
of eating wine-glasses, another eats only snakes, a third is fond of
balancing himself by the bare feet on the edge of a sword, and a
fourth has the genial knack of taking his eye out and putting it back
again. The entertainment is accompanied by Arab music, which
appears to have a particularly stimulating effect upon the native
listener. We are not the native listener, and we didn't like it. Lotus
not omit the pleasing child of Araby who tics a cord round his waist
and allows people to tug the ends until the middle of his body assumes
a circumference of about one inch and a half. This performance of
itself is enough to drive the strongest spectator to brandy-and-water.

Name I
OF new magazines there seems to be no end It is a pity a little
more originality is not expended on the naming of these ventures.
Cornhill, Temple Bar, St. James's, St. Paul's, and Belgravia, have all
stood sponsors, and now a musical monthly is christened after Hanover-
square. What next ? We suppose a medical magazine-perhaps two
-The Savile Row, and The Upper Wimpole Street. A legal periodical,
The Lincoln's Inn Fields, or The Chancery Lane, will possibly be the

A Grievance.
A B.A. AND FIRST CLASS-MAN encloses us the accompanying para-
graph, and complains bitterly of its wording:-
WANTED, several gentlemanly MEN to travel and take orders. Apply personally
or by letter to -
He states that, supposing a travelling chaplaincy was the office for
which a gentlemanly man was required to take orders, he applied, and
was astonished to find that it was a bagman's place that was offered.



Calmrn JaE.

ERY far from de-
I;' / lighted must the
have felt on the
first day of his
dignity. Hiss-
ing, hooting, and
Rotten eggs,
Sw were the only
greetings he re-
h. coived. Well, I
can't say I pity
him much. He
saw that MR.
ing out in the
new and unex-
pected r7le of a
reformer was
cheered and.
feted; and he
appears to have
thought a hum-
ble imitation of
auan by the
worshipful the
MAYOR would be
an equal success.
,, And indeed to
see the leader of
the Conservative
party carrying a sweeping measure of reform, was scarcely more
startling than to find the chief of the City Corporation trying
to do away with tomfoolery and empty show. But the Los D
MAYou was not prepared to go such lengths as his model. A
genius might educate his party" right round from one pint
of the political compass to its exact opposite, but the corporate
intelligence was not so bold. His worship could give up the man
in brass and the wicker giants, but he could not fling over the escort
of cavalry, and clung to a few shreds of the old show. The resultwas
a miserable display-too shabby for a procession, too pretentious for
anything less ceremonious. As touching the great question, Shall
the LoanD MAYon have a show F there is as much division as about
the old question, "Shall Cromwell have a statue ?" If he is to have
a show (and there is much to be said for keeping-up ceremonials) for
goodness' sake let us have something really imposing and in good taste.
'rhe greatest argument against his having a show is-not that a few
people are checked for a few hours in the too general occupation of
money-grv.bbing, but that the streets are for a time given up to,
ruffianism and robbery. If those elements could be eliminated, I don't
see why the LonRD MAYOR should not have his show, the sight-seers
their treat, and the banner-men, watermen, and other assistants their
yearly five shillings and feast.
As if the spectacle of a LOan MAToH, hissed from the City to West-
minster and back, were not enough to make one rub one's eyes and ask
"Is this the Nineteenth Century ?" here we are, having bread riots,
superadded to Fenian conspiracies in St. Giles's, and a general wearing
of fire-arms. For this last evil the remedy would seem easy enough-
let there be a license for fire-arms-not a heavy one-and let all
unlicensed weapons be impounded, when found. Accidents as well as
crimes would be largely prevented, and a man would not care to pay
for a license unless he wanted the fire-arms for sporting purposes or as
a precaution against violent robbery. The boon such an enactment
would confer on dwellers in the suburbs would be immense, for they
would be relieved of the incessant popping-and-banging (Sundays and
week-days) which goes on in such neighborhoods, where roughs and
idlers loaf about with guns, firing at every flying thing they see, to the
disturbance, and no less to the peril of the inhabitants. I shall be told
that the police have sufficient powers now to put a stop to this, but who
ever saw a policeman (especially when he is wanted) in the suburbs?
I have lived a few miles out of London for some time past and the
only policeman I have ever seen was one who called at the house and
nearly frightened the servants into fits with a large printed handbill,
headed "BURGLARY," and describing the supernatural devices of house-
breakers for getting into houses through keyholes and down chimneys.
London Society shows well this month with good "Thumbnail Sketch-

[NOVEMBER 23, 1867.

ing," a clever block by Miss KATr EDWARDS, and an illustration by
the vigorous pencil of MR. Psausfat, to an ingenious and well-told
" Story of a Mail Guard." Good Words is more than ordinarily good this
month. There is a drawing, a charming one, by WALKER, and it
illustrates a poem-a real poem-by Miss ISABELLA FYVIE. That's
enough for the money, I think, without counting the rest of the
number, though it contains a Guild Court instalment, with a pio-
ture by PINWELL. The Sunday Ma.gazine keeps up its number of illus-
trations-and their excellence. The Flight of Birds," by the DUKE
or ARGYLL, is concluded in this number. Tinsley's is good, too, this
month. The editor has got his team well in hand now, and drives
them, as he can drive-admirably. "The Detrimental" is capital, and
the novels swing on well. The "Disadvantages of Convalescence"
has been better done by CHARLES LAMB. .outledge's Magazine for Boys
is quite up to the mark. Le oellet seems on its mettle now that the
regular mags. are going in for fashion plates. The Gardener's Magazine
is full of wintry wisdom, and if it did nothing else, sent me off to
CARTER's Nursery, near Sydenham, where a peep into the houses was
like getting back into the middle of summer-a very pleasant sensa-
tion when one's own garden has quite put on its winter weeds. So
there's an end of the periodicals for this month, I believe, though
there's such a lot of them now that as soon as one has run through one
batch a fresh set begins to accumulate.

No. 37.
A GREAT man gone, a leader lost,
Whose star untimely sank,
He leaves his country trouble-tost;
And this reveals his rank.

When slangy folks come off the winners,
They use this term about the raffle;
And robbers use it too, the sinners,
When people's vigilance they baffie;-
But respectable persons in language polite
Would describe their luck thus-and of course would be right.
If you talked about azimuth, nadir, and zero,
To Deerslayer (Coopsa's old leather-legged hero)
Of your speech were he anxious the sense to be gleaning,
He'd utter this word, asking What is your.meaning ?"
Some said Have it out,"
Others, "Have it stopt!"
I say past a doubt
If but this were popt
In your hollow tooth, you'd be
Soon from all your anguish free.
With spectral hand, with rapping table,
With writing red upon his wrist,
To summon spirits he is able-
I call him this, and clench my fist.
It grows in my garden, as lovely in hue
As the eyes of my darling, so tenderly blue.
But it comes of the tribe that the cook would produce
If you asked ior the stuffing that's fittest for goose.
A town in the North
Which-'tis written-brought forth
A recluse world-renowned-an adventurous chap,
Vide one who, we know
Is the friend, not do foe
Of all lads English-born whom you'd count worth axrap.
ANSWER To AcrOSTIo No. 35.
B Bard XD
A Alibi I
N Nunc C
Q Quack K
U Umpire E
E Exposition N
T Templars S

SOTLTIONS OF AcansTIC No. 35, RECEIVED S1TB Nov. :-Disorderly Room.; D.E. H.;
Holdfast; Trissie Cigarette; A- B., Fifeshire; L. O. A.F.; Sainted Maria; M. B.,
Queen's Coll.; I. A. E. ; Three Carshalton Fools; Nuf; Tiny Ditton; Pat; J. J.;
Pluff; Frank and Maria; Emsworth.

KNo'vmBn 23, 1:867.] F U N 109

I sAYs to MaRS. CHAUNCEY as I should feel obliged if she'd go along
with me and' see one of them Justices; as said she would with.pleasure,
through. a-wantin' to go and see MRs. LINKERN's clothes, as were
for sale, Itsays, "Whoever's she ?" Why," she says, "the widder
of our Presiient,. as were cruelly murdered of a Good Friday at the
theaterr" "'Oh," I says, I never knowed as they was open, but,"
I says, however r is it as he didn't take care on 'is widder, the same as
PRINCE HA;LBEaT, 'as left 'is'n werry comfortable, but," I says, poor
soul, if'she's drove to sell 'er clothes, it must be Queer Street with 'er,
as were the case with poor Mas. PAIN, as were left total unprovided, and
drove to a arms' housee without even the donkey-cart as poor PAIN did
used to go round' with vegetables, and a 'onest man, as I will say, for
that time asal:give 'im a 'arf-crown a-thinkin' as it were a penny be-
tween the lights, a-buyin' of some taters for BaowN's supper, as is
particular partial to 'em baked with a black pudding, as is pretty eatin'
in cold weather, when you can trust them as sells 'em. So she says as
this poor lady sielothes was for sale in Broadway, and off we went to
see 'em, as I naturally expected would be 'er crownation robes the
same as is shown,in London at MADAM TUssoR'S as bought 'em herselff
of QUEEN VICTOaRA, not as she were drove to it thro' want.
But as to MasR LINKERN as is 'or name, 'er clothes was all werry
well, but nothing much to look at,. and I should say as she might 'ave
got rid on 'em on the quiet, as won't fetch much except the, lace, and
no doubt if she's'that bad off as the 'Merrykins as is a noble-'arted lot
will make it all. right for 'er, and so I told the partyas were'a-showing
'em, as cut me rather short. So I says to Mas. CHAUNagE as. we'd
better go, and soewe did, and got downstairs and stood for a.moment
a-talkin' at the door when up comes a perliceman and tells us not to
stop the doorway. WelI I moves a little further and was a-restiu'
myself agin a iron rail, up comes the perliceman, and says,. "You
mustn't set 'ere." I says,. "1 ain't a. setting' no more I wasn't, but
only a-leanin','as proved too much for them railin's, as were only a
a gate as opened with my weight,, and if a man 'adn't been coming' up
the steps with a basket of oyster-shells on 'is 'ead, I should 'ave gone
down back'ards, as made that perliceman grin, andutihe coloured party
as was a-carryin' them oyster-shells he said as, it were lucky as I
didn't bust 'im.
MaS. CHAUNOEY she were a-starin' in at a shop-winder a-talkin' to a
friend as she'd met with, and she says, Mas. BaowN, this 'ere is a
gentleman as 'is a lawyer, and 'ave been a judge." Oh," I says,
"indeed! Then," I says, "pre'aps he can tell me about that 'ere
perliceman as 'ave got that pocket-book." Yes," she says, and
he'll see you 'ave ycur rights thro' a-knowin' them perlice and their
ways, as is downright tyrants." So she says, a-turnin' to 'er friend,
MR. BOGIssoN, this is MeRS. BROWN," as I made my obedience to 'im,
but was that friendly, as he shook 'ands and said as he'd heardd a deal
about me, and quite looked on me as a old friend.
He certainly did not look much like a lawyer, let alone a judge,
thro' bein' that shabby in 'is clothes, which was regular rags in places,
with 'is boots as 'adn't seen blacking' for weeks, I should say, with a
shirt as was filthy, and matched 'is face and 'ands, and kep' a-chowin',
and smelt fearful of sperrits, and as pale as death. When he'd 'eard
my story, as he didn't seem arf to listen to, he says, Ah, the rascal !
This must be looked into, and I'll make 'im pay; but," he says, "it will
cost you money." Oh," I says, "I don't want to go to law, as may
cost me thousands, and end in the work'ouse the same as MiRs. LA I-
BERT, as 'er father left thousands to, as never got 'er rights, the' at
law over thirty years, and was sent to jail for the costs."
So he says, "'Old up a minnit; you goes ahead too quick." So I
says, Excuse me, but 'ow much will it cost ? "Why," he says,
"ten dollars to-day for me to search the records." Why," I says,
they surely don't keep the perlice in the records, as will be easy
found thro' me havingg took 'is number." He says, Let's 'ave it."
"Law," I says, "what is to be done ?" Says the lawyer, "Never
mind; I'll ketch 'im sure. But," he says, "wait a moment; I must
just step round 'ere and see a man; I won't be a minnit."
Nor more he weren't, but smelt wass of liquor than ever. So, when
he come back, he says, "'Ave you got the money about you ?" I
says, "I've got fifteen dollars." He says, That'll do for to-day.
Now," he says, "you meet me to-morrer, at twelve to the minnit, at
the City 'All, as is a large building' with a flight of steps up to as is
white marble, leastways would be but for tobaccer juice, as stains
everything." So I says, I'll be there to the minnit." He says,
" Bring ten dollars, in case I should want to pay the fees, as is 'eavy
in sich cases."
Well, he walks 'isself off all of a 'urry, without sayin' Good morn-
ing," or anything. So I says to MRS. CHAUNCEY as he were werry
short. "Oh," she says, "bless you, the judges is a-waitin' for 'im, as
can't get on without 'im." "Ah," I says, I suppose he's got to go
'ome and dress." She says, "Bless you, no ; that's 'is way, as 'ave

got oshuns of splendid clothes at 'ome, and won't never put 'emrn on,
the' 'is wife, as 'is my own sister, goes down on 'or knees to 'im." I
says, "Indeed! and was glad to 'ear as he were 'or sister's husband ,
for I didn't 'arf fancy 'im, but didn't say nothink, but 'ome I
(To be tntinued.)

THE sea gives her shells to the shingle,"-
Because they're no good to the sea;
And Ibeg to offer a jingle
That's not of the least use to me.
Some rhymes I have got on some fly-leaves,,
Among the contents of my desk,
Which I took, neither with leaves nor by leaves,
From some one's burlesque.
I have weaved them to-day in a fashion,
Designed all their beauties to show.
They may put purists into a passion,
But that won't be my fault, you know.
Still, the harvest of rhyme to my sickle
That falls, though decidedly queer,
Is just of the right sort to tickle
The fine cockney ear.
I quitted Baden Baden,
Where I left Sum WATER GARDEN,
(Whom the Telegqraph is hard on), and I journeyed next to Basle.
Like a knight of good KING AemuRu
I thought that I would rather
Keep on always going farther; but I called the Kellner, Carl;
And I said, "In this here quarter
Are there boats upon the water P?"
Yes," says he, "but they the sort as you'd not like to sail in far."
Just then there comes a letter
From the beautiful ROSETTA
(No marvel that they pet her), who was there with her papa.
In London last I'd seen her
And her sister, fair GEORGINA,
Whose eyes are somewhat greener, though I fancy shec's the star.
But their cousin, sprightly SAAIIu,
Than both of them is fairer,
And her style of beauty's rarer, and her eyes were bright as Spa.
But I ve flirted much with FLORA,
And have said that I adore her;
Though I told the same to LAURA, which was going much too far.
And my words to ARAHIELLA,
When my love I dared to tell her.
Were those I spoke to STELLA, who referred me to mamma.
As sloops are to a liner
Were all those girls to DINAH,
Who is infinitely finer than a fairy or a fawn;
And never would I leave her
Except perhaps for EVA,
Whose other name is CLEAVER, and who's lovely as the morn.
When I'd twice perused the letter
From the beautiful ROSETTA,
I concluded I had better be off at once from Basle.
And, quickly as shell from mortar,
Before papa had caught a
Likely husband for his daughter, I had taken leave of CarL
I'll go home," said I, and learn a
Lesson out of Mary Turner ;
The rules of rhyming stern are in the school that I adore.
And B. is not an author
In the class who third or fourth are,
But from the well of CiHAUinE doth continually draw.

Sold Again!
COMIMENTING on gentlemen-rider matches at the late Houghton
Meeting at Newmarket, the "leading journal says:-
There is rather a rage for gentlemen-iider matches here now, a i .:r,,. ,,. ..
of in the old Newmarket days-somewhat provincial, we venture to ii'i, ii ,, 0 i
.. .. om the legitimate form of he id-quarters. One of them, bnthoren
and Mr. R'qjinald fHerbert, wound up the sport of the afternoon, the
former, on Shrapnait, squandering his opponent.'"
We have too often heard of people being sold on the turf, but to
"squander his opponent" is about the last act of which we supposed a
gentleman jockey capable.

110 F TJ N [NOVEMBER 23, 1867.

Philosophical Damsel (with the peculiar chignon) :-" How ABSURD IT SEEMS 'THAT NATURE SHOULD COMPEL THAT POOR ANIMAL TO WEAR

IT is not that I love you less devotedly than when
Your summers were but twenty-and your children were not ten.
You the queen of this poor bosom in my fancy still I crown,
As when your name was PARKER, and before you married BROWN.
No! I love you still as fondly as I did in days of yore,
When I used to call at tea-time, or a little bit before ;
When I used to bring the kettle, pour the water in the pot;
When I proffered warm affections, and I handed muffins hot.
No! I love you still as fondly as I did in ancient days,
When we used to go out walking in our sentimental ways;
When I handed you politely over stile and over gutter,
And my feet were in a puddle and my heart was in a flutter.
Then there came a separation, and it cost us sighs and tears-
Our paths, they were divided, as you know, for many years.
And when at length we met again, the changes were not few
I had taken a drysaltery-and BROWN had taken you.
But I love you still as fondly as I used to love you then,
And could I only wed you, should be happiest of men.
But the love of ago is wiser than the love of youth by far-
It likes its shares at premium and does not care for par.
Your wedding BROWN I pardon-for they say that he died "warm,"
And wealth would guild the ravages of time on that dear form,-
Yet an obstacle arises-but one obstacle-and that's 1
That I'm told that all the money has been settled on the brats 1

Within a "T."
PARISIAN PoLIcE-Detective. London ditto-Defective.

A Slip "Not."
IT is desirable and convenient, when a public writer happens to have
a meaning to express, that he should express that meaning, rather than
its very opposite. The author of the following sentences, quoted from
a leading article in the Daily Telegraph, seems to say something quite
contrary to common-sense, and therefore, let us charitably assume, to
his own real opinion:-
"The personal liberty which we all enjoy could hardly be maintained if the
guardians of the streets were not, as a rule, inaccessible to bribery, and not to be
hindered by fear or favour from discharging their duty."
The personal liberty which we all enjoy" is, in fact, maintained
despite the lamentable truth that the guardians of the streets are
sometimes "hindered by fear or favour from discharging their duty;"
and the proposition that, if they were not to be so hindered, there
would be a consequently increased difficulty in the maintenance of our
personal liberty is merely-a muddle.

Walk your Chalks.
A FOXHUNTER is to an Englishman the emblem of goodnature and
geniality-one of the right sort "-and certainly MR. SC.ATTON, who
hunts a country of very considerable extent, is no exception to the
rule. Dining with the gentlemen of the hunt at the Royal Hotel,
Southend, he is reported, in Bell's Life, to have said:-
He thanked those who had walked puppies for him."
We cordially endorse MR. SCRATION'S sentiments, and shall be only
too happy to return our hearty thanks to the person who walked" a
watch for us some time since, if he will have the kindness to return it.

The Antiquity of Fenianism.
FENIANISM dates very much farther back than most people suppose.
We would remind our readers that when HERODIAS's daughter was
living there was a head-sent-her.

FIU JN.-NOVEMBER 23, 1867.


NOVEMBER 23, 1867.


(To be sung to the Air of the Whistling Oyster.")

N elderly person-a prophet by trade-
With his quips and tips
YOA n withered old lips,
He married a young and a beautiful
The cunning old blade
Though rather decayed,
ai f7, wHe married a beautiful beautiful maid.
She was only eighteen, and as fair as
could be
With her tempting smiles
And maidenly whiles,
And he was a trifle off seventy-three:
Now what she could see
Is a puzzle to me,
In a buffer of seventy-seventy-three!
Of all their acquaintances bidden (or bad)
With their loud high jiuks
And underbred winks
None thought they'd a family have-but they had-
A dear little lad,
Who drove 'em half mad,
For he turned out a horribly fast little cad.
For when he was born be astonished all by,
With their Law, dear me "
Did ever you see! "
He'd. a weed in his mouth and a glass in his eye.
A hat all awry-
An octagon tie,
And a minature-minature glass in his eye!
He grumbled at wearing a frock and a cap,
With his "Oh, dear, oh!"
And his, "Hang it, you know!"
And he turned up his nose at his excellent pap-
My friends, it's a tap
That is not worth a rap! "
(Now this was remarkably excellent pap.)
He'd chuck his nurse under the chin, and he'd say,
With his Fal, lal, lal "
You doosed fine gal! "
This shocking precocity drove 'em away :
A month from to-day
Is as long as I'll stay-
Then I'd wish, if you please, for to hook it away !"

His father, a simple old gentleman, he
With nursery rhyme
And Once on a time,"
Would tell him the story of Little Bo P."
So pretty was she,
So pretty and wee,
As pretty, as pretty, as pretty could be!"

But the babe with a dig that would startle an ox
With his C'ck! Oh, my!"-
Go along wiz 'oo, fie! "
Would exclaim, I'm affaid 'oo a socking ole fox! "
Now a father it shocks,
And it whitens his locks
When his little babe calls him a shocking old fox!

The name of his father he'd couple and pair
(With his ill-bred laugh,
And insolent chaff)
With those of the nursery heroines rare;
Virginia the fair,
Or Good Goldenhair,
Till the nuisance was more than a prophet could bear.
"There's Jill and White Cat" (said the bold little brat,
With his loud, Ha, ha! ")
"'Oo sly ickle pa!
Wiz 'oo Beauty, Bo Peep, and 'oo Mrs. Jack Sprat!
I've noticed 'oo pat
My pretty White Cat-
I sink, dear mamma ought to know about dat! "
He early determined to marry and wive,
For better or worse
With his elderly nurse-
Which the poor little boy didn't live to contrive:
His health didn't thrive-
No longer alive,
He died an enfeebled old dotard at five!

Now elderly men of the bachelor crew,
With wrinkled hose
And spectacled nose,
Don't marry at all--you may take it as true
If ever you do
The stop you will rue,
For your babes will be elderly-elderly too!

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