N> -~ C7TC~ -
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY W. ALDER,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.
- llsll I
EA, sand, sunshine, serenity, salubrity-those wore the chief delights in S-se. Of those i't.
posse, the most prominent was a posse or bevy of the very prettiest damsels that over dipt
in sea-slept on sand-basked in sunshine-disturbed serenity-or gathered salubrity.
Dears with their beautiful hair blowing about their shoulders with a freedom unknown
to the ordinary chignon of commerce Dears with a glow of health on their cheeks, not
to be imitated by all the cosmetics of Arabia Dears with raven locks, dears with golden
tresses, dears with nut-brown curls. Short dears, tall dears, plump dears, prim dears,
young dears, old dears, and dears in their prime It really seemed of a morning after
bathing hours as if VENUs had been resolved into a joint-stock company, unlimited,
and rose from the sea in her thousands every day.
And to make it all complete, FUN was there The season was over at last, and the
well-earned holiday-time had set in. All the world, and his wife and his lovely
daughters, above-mentioned, wore at the sea-side.
It had been a peculiarly busy and trying season. The Reform agitation had boon
a constant source of anxiety and uncertainty. The political atmosphere had under-
gone violent changes, from the Torrid Zone of Mn. BEALES and Company, to the Toriod
Zone of Mn. DISRAELI and party, with but brief and hurried pauses in the Temperate
' Zone, and with few, if any, descents to a LOWE temperature.
Then, again, WILULLEY had been more than ordinarily irritating. Concluding-
very justly, no doubt-that a Reformed Parliament would not be likely to contain him,
he had taken every opportunity of making an exhibition of himself-and had certainly
The Abyssinian question had been another worry; and the French Exhibition,
with the British Commission scandal, had been a further trouble. Besides these there
, was a host of minor harasses-not Mas. IlARASSES, but actual and tangible bothers,
which had aided in rendering the season a trying one.
But it was all over now Kef-the dolce far niemte-the otium cuio di(. in the sands
-the great preservative of JACK from becoming a dull boy-the, to be brief, lying-on-
one's-back-and-letting-things-in-general-slido time had arrived at last.
FUN whiffed his regalia, and dismissed for awhile the cares of keeping the world
at large well-greased for rolling "down the ringing grooves of time," as his esteemed
friend MR. ALFRED TENNYSON-(here is wishing him retirement and privacy in his now
quarters !)-has very neatly worded it. But, alas, his repose was not to last long.
He became aware, by the brightening of the sunshine, that Beauty was visiting him, and he therefore opened his indolent
eyes and beheld a lovely deputation of the dears approaching.
They gathered round him like a flock of doves, lending a fresh radiance to the golden light of day, and lading the
breezes with a precious freight of silvery laughter and perfumed sighs. '
Well, mydarlings," said FUN, graciously permitting himself to be caressed by twenty of the prettiest of the deputation;
"Well, my darlings, what is it ? "
Oh you dear old duck," said the spokeswoman of the party, it is so very dull hero, don't go and fall asleep with a cigar
in your mouth, don't! Do assist us, there's a delightful old dear, and we'll give you a kiss all round, that we will! Do-do-
do find something to amuse us, when we've got tired of the sea, and the promenade, and the admiration, and the tea and
shrimps. And, if you please, all the books at the library are old sensation novels, and the first volumes are lost, and we are
not going to work; and since you've been here, we don't think the young men as good-looking as they ought to be, and
there s no new music, and the bands play all out of tune, and the fashion-books never come, and there's nothing to do, and
we're all-Very miserable."
The fair speaker having paused for lack of breath rather than want of argument, FUN gave the deputation a smile and
Darlings, you shall be attended to. I will give you something which shall give a relish to the sea, the promenade, the
admiration, the tea and the shrimps. No !"-he added solemnly, fixing his eye upon a dear who was whispering slily to
another dear-" No I do not mean a kiss all round, though you may take it if you like."
The resolution was immediately put and carried by acclamation. At the close of the ceremony, FuN resumed his spee6h:-
Darlings,-you shall have something to read instead of stale sensation stories-something better than tatting, or any
other nonsense which you delightful dears like to call work; better than new music or the latest fashions. It shall make the
young men who adore the very print of your feet in the sands more presentable. It will teach them-if they can learn-to
bUhave like gentlemen and talk English."
Then, if you please, you dear old darling, we should like it at once," said the head of the deputation.
Then, darlings, in the language of the poet-here goes "
He entered a bathing machine which stood near, and in a few seconds re-appeared, bearing a pile of volumes bound in
magenta and gold. A loud cheer greeted him. He stood at the top of the steps, and, with a gracious smile, distributed the
Silvery laughter from the fair ones-chuckles from the middle-aged-guffaws from merry youth-smiles from old age
greeted tha glorious gift. tven Old OCEAN himself added another wrinkle or two to his checks, puckered with "innumerable
giggles," as described by the areek poet-and no wonder, for that glory of magenta and gold was-
EIr fiftlj ohint of tli jlee6b `Crie;i of Sint.
*-- HE Spring awakens buds
On hill and vale and
_4 The birds are singing in
Where green leaves
The bees are stirring in
w And FuN commences
He puts forth leaves the
whole year round,
Though it may snow
As in the wintry woods
The sturdy holly trees.
Like evergreens that al-
Is F u N, commencing
Lo! Laughter comes to join the throng,
With honest Jest and Mirth unforced,
With Quip and Crank and merry Song,
And Wit-from Wisdom long divorced,
Whom FUN persuaded to re-wive-
And all cry hail to Volume Five!
Ye statesmen, who old England strive
To aid, rejoice! Here's Volume Five!
Ye partizans, who faction shrive
For place, beware! Here's Volume Five!
Ye, who would bind with chain and gyve
Our freedom, mind! Here's Volume Five!
Ye, who at treason would connive,
Be warned in time! Here's Volume Five!
Ye who of help and food deprive
The poor, beware! Hero's Volume Five!
Ye, who by shameful works arrive
At wealth, beware Here's Volume Five !
Ye, who dishonest bargains drive,
Keep keen look-out I Here's Volume Five !
But good and virtuous folks, revive
To loam as in the page you dive
That FuN's alive-yes, all alive !
And so commences VOLUME FIVE !
THE ALPINE CLUB (LIMITED).
Tits institution has been established to enable persons, the summits
of whose ambitions are also those of mountains, to attain them with
the least possible expenditure of time, trouble, and exertion. It also
recommends itself as avoiding all the dangers awaiting the usual
ascents of the Alps.
It is proposed to collect the tops of all the highest mountains in the
world, and arrange them in suitable rooms in the club house-the tops
of volcanoes being confined to the smoking room. Members will then
be able to stand on the summit of Mont Blanc, of Monte Rosa, of the
Matterhorn, without danger or fatigue. Large supplies of ice will be
kept on the premises, and any member may, on paying for it, sur-
round himself with it when on the top of a mountain, so as to experi-
ence some of the sensations due to his situation. A slab from the Grand
Mulets will be arranged as a bed, that members may be able to say
that they have passed a night there.
Some gentlemen of the old Alpine Club who were the first to ascend
certain peaks, brought away the tops with them, so that no one could
reach them again without their permission. Negotiations are in pro-
gress with these gentlemen for the possession of these valuable sum-
mits. Arrangements-are also making for obtaining the tops of all the
other celebrated mountains, and it is proposed that anyone presenting
the summit of any famous peak to the club shall become an honorary
The library will furnish guides and topographical works.
WE have it on good authority, that the ringleaders in the late bread
riots at Deptford were regular loafers.
VOL. V. A
" TI .Ponah wae asth a military nation." Perhaps the above design for a harmless and
appropriate costume for the new Government Shoe-black Brigade may be found suitable.
[MARCH 16, 1867.
TO HORSE I TO HORSE I
MAN'S life may be compared, you see,' 1:.
To children's love for bread and honey,
First, tasteless, hard celibacy,
Then soft, seductive matrimony;
But still I think that some who've wed,
And thus fulfilled their dearest wishes,
Would yet prefer the driest bread
To any disagreeing squishes."
To judge appearance is trash,
But there's no need of a LAVATER,
To see that matrimony's rash,
And men and women weak as water..
We make a miss who seek a rest,"
't And find a nag" when we are baited,
And often couples linked the best
By accidents are separated.
"Away then womankind, away!
I'll have no more of your vagaries,
I'll turn misogynist, I say,
And keep a dog and eight canaries.
Then if remorse is on my track,
Or nasty ague makes me shiver,
I'll have a good old steady hack
And gently oscillate my liver!
A Momentous Question.
OH, Ma. W*LLS and MHis. W**D,
And oh, Miss M. E. BR*DD*N,
Say, is it proper that you should
Go, in a way so sad, on ?
You cook old stories up again
As cooks rdehauffer fishes,
And don't quite see, although it's plain,
They're hashes, not new dishes.
You're welcome to the fame-and dibs,"
But I don't think-do you ?-
That story-telling should be fibs,
And novels not be new!
BY THIE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
THE Session, which commenced so amicably that one was almost led
to hope we might see the lion of Conservatism lying down with the lamb
of Liberalism (by which latter I don't mean MR. BRIGHT), has taken a
sudden turn, and beholdwe havethe lions squabbling among themselves.
Prosperity is clearly more trying than adversity. The Tory party so
unanimous in opposition have fallen to loggerheads the moment they
find themselves on the Treasury Benches, and the Liberals who when in
power agreed like a couple of cats tied together by the tail, and hung
over a clothes'-line, are a regular "band of brothers" now they are
out. Even the chiefs of the Government don't seem to pull together,
for while Loan DERBY was frankly telling the story of the split in
the Cabinet to the Lords, DISRAELI, in the Commons, was making an
Asiatic mystery of it-was found out by BERNAL OSBORNE, and caught
it from RoEBucx. There must have been several moments this
session when he has regretted that he does not sit in the repose of the
Upper House, and that the lordship of Hughenden is yet a thing of the
FUN has always-and in my opinion very properly-avoided any
reference to religious questions. "Popery" and "No Popery,"
"Ritualism" and "Anti-Ritualism" (how prone pious people are to
slang and abusive epithets!), are not topics for discussion in a comic
paper. But I hope I may be allowed to refer to the religious press in
its social relations without being suspected of any intolerance. I am
sorry to have to protest against the manner in which the Guardian is
conducted. That journal is supposed to be the organ of a class of
educated gentlemen, but of late it has descended to a line of conduct
which is only worthy of a set of scandalous, vixenish old maids. The
ordinary penny-a-liner, so much abused, is as a rule remarkable for
good taste and good feeling in his avoidance of all that may give pain
to individuals in their private capacity. But the clerical gentlemen
who do short pars for the Guardian have no such decent reticence.
The dog-doesn't-eat-dog principle is the last rule they attend to.
They gossip about private affairs without scruple, and all the more
virulently if the subject of their talk have the misfortune to be in any
way connected with the clerical world. FUN has joked DR. CUMMING
smartly enough in his public capacity as a prophet and bee-leeper,.
but it is reserved for the Guardian to intrude on his private life, and
inform its readers that he was blackballed at the Athenueum Club. It
is time that the gentlemen for whom the Guardian is intended should
let its managers know that they consider the raking-up of private
scandal is not strictly within the limits of controversial theology.
THE magazines are out. The Cornhill contains an illustration by
MH. BuRTow-a figure-subject by one who is best known for his ex-
cellent landscape-work. It is a clever composition, admirably drawn,
and well-engraved. I can't say as much for the other illustration,
which is loose in execution and not well cut. "The Satrap" is
respectable verse, and "Ravenna" is an interesting paper. "In the
Austrian Service" strikes me as a most extravagant fiction.
Routledge's Magazine for Boys is varied and amusing as ever. I
see MR. Ross has adopted the plan of Pictorial Double Acrostics, first
exploited in Five Alls and the Christmas number of FUN, a figure of
" Obi" being apparently suggested by one of the drawings in *he
latter. It is a pity he does not take a few lessons in drawing.
Belgravia is better this month, as far as literature goes. There is a
fair and honest critique on the itate of the Drama, a capital essay,
"St. Paul's to Piccadilly," and a brace of good stories by DUTTON COOK
and WALTER THORNBUmY. The poetry is poor. In Lyrics of
the Month," the writer winds up with a verse wherein well" and
" farewell" are offered as rhymes. MR. ASTLEY BALDWIN'S verses are
slovenly and feeble :-" caught," does not rhyme with short," any
more than a mast-head can go by the board." I am astonished
the author of the DORE article, who is evidently an artist, should praise
the steel engravings of his works. The author of Circe gives some
portraits of critics and painters in the course of his second chapter. He
would do well to avoid lending himself to publishers' squabbles as he
does in one passage here. London Society seems to be afflicted with
smaller type and fewer leads every month. It is fair enough in point
of illustration, excepting those by G. BowEBS, which have all an ama-
teur's faults. Some verses by RUv are very queer. The Argosy has
some interesting notes on "Poetry and Poets," -interesting and valu-
able, I should say. "Shoemaker's Village" goes on admirably.
"Ampola" is good, and Crimping Sailors" should help towards
curing the evils it indicates. In Temple Bar, MR. YATES gives us one
of his plucky papers on the Drama, honest, and sound, and manly.
"Subjects of Song," is a specimen of what magazine verse should be
Messieurs the Editors of Belgravia and London Society. For the rest,
there is a story of the Greek insurrection, an essay on "Debt," and The
MARCH 16, 1867.]
Man who lived by his wits," which, I suppose, is not an autobiography.
The Family Friend seems up to its mark, but one of the artists might
be dispensed with to the advantage of the magazine. I hope the
number of Cassell's Magazine which I have received is not a fair speci-
men, for the printing, especially of the cuts, is very poor. The literary
matter is right enough, and the Editor is evidently up to his work, but
his labours will be thrown away if not better seconded. The Gardener's
Magazine, which I imagine every one who loves his garden takes in
regularly, is full of valuable information this month.
Poeon ARTEMUS WARD is dead! In him we have lost a kindly
humorist, and a gentle man," in the honest old sense of the word.
Short as has been the time since he arrived in England, he leaves
behind him a large circle of sorrowing friends, for he endeared himself
rapidly to all with whom he came in contact, by his sensitive considera-
tion for the feelings of others, by the generosity and manly honesty
of his character. The keen, quaint wit, who never gave a wound to a
living creature, was popular with the public as he was beloved by those
who knew him in private life. His last contribution to literature was
an article in', the Savage Club Papers.
The extreme and sudden changes of the late severe winter were too
trying for a constitution always delicate, and taxed at the time to the
extent of its strength by the fatigues and anxieties of the entertain-
ment which delighted so many. ARTEMeUS WAnn was compelled to
close his room, and retire to Jersey to rest and recruit. But the
disease, Consumption, had made too certain progress to be arrested.
He crossed back again to Southampton, in' the hope of being able to
return home to America, to his only living relative, his mother. But
the hope was not to be realized. On Wednesday last death-for which
he was fully prepared, and which he met in a cheerful, manly spirit-
claimed him. He was born at Waterford, in the State of Maine, and
he dies at the early age of three-and-thirty. It is proposed that he
shall be buried at Kensal-green. His funeral will be largely attended,
no doubt, but there will be few there who will not sincerely and deeply
lament his loss.
THE CITY OF PRAGUE.
Scene: "Bohemia: a desert country near the sea."-SAKESPEAREA.
I DWELT in a city enchanted,
And lonely, indeed, was my lot;
Two guineas a week, all I wanted,
Was certainly all that I got.
Well, somehow I found it was plenty;
Perhaps you may find it the same,
If-if you are just five-and-twenty,
With industry, hope, and an aim:
Though the latitude's rather uncertain,
And the longitude also is vague,
The persons I pity who know not the city,
The beautiful City of Prague!
Bohemian of course were my neighbours,
And not of a pastoral kind ;
Our pipes were of clay, and our tabors
Would scarcely be easy to find.
Our tabors ? Instead of such mountains,
Ben Holborn was all we could share,
And the nearest available fountains
Were the horrible things in the square :
Does the latitude still seem uncertain ?
Or think ye the longitude vague ?
The person I pity who know not the city,
The beautiful City of Prague !
How we laughed as we laboured together!
How well I remember, to-day,
Our "outings" in Midsummer weather,
Our winter delights at the play !
We were not over-nice in our dinners ;
Our rooms were up ricketty stairs ;
But if Hope be the wealth of beginners,
By Jove, we were all millionaires !
Our incomes were very uncertain,
Our prospects were equally vague;
Yet the persons I pitywho know not the city,
The beautiful City of Prague!
If at times the horizon was frowning,
Or the ocean of life looking grim,
Who dreamed, do you fancy, of drowning ?
Not we, for we knew we could swim .
Oh, Friends, by whose side I was breasting
The billows that rolled to the shore,
Ye are quietly, quietly resting,
To laugh and to labour no more!
Still, in accents a little uncertain,
And tones that are possibly vague.
The persons I pity who know not the city,
The beautiful City of Prague !
As for me, I have come to an anchor;
I have taken my watch out of pawn;
I keep an account with a banker,
Which at present is not overdrawn.
Though my clothes may be none of the smartest,
The snip has receipted the bill;
But the days I was poor and an artist
Are the dearest of days to me still !
Though the latitude's rather uncertain,
And the longitude also is vague,
The persons I pity who know not the city,
The beautiful City of Prague !
FROM OUR STALL.
AN adaptation, by MR. GILBERT A BEGRETT, from Nos Sons W0ila qeeis
has been produced at the Haymarket. It seems that the brilliant
VIoTOurs SADlmo has pledged his whole career to the task of ringing
the changes on the fracture of the seventh commandment. His present
variation upon this improving theme is hardly worthy of its author-
if, indeed, it be fair to form an opinion of its merit on a translation
that appears to have been hastily or carelessly made. When a couple
of polite Frenchmen contradict each other flatly, they seldom express
their affirmations and negations in the form of isolated monosyllables;
the outi and the non are softened by a mais. But Ms. A BI.xr.rTT n0ver
hears-except in Diamonds and Hlcarts-a pair of argumentative Britons
contradicting each other with a But yes" and a But no!" English-
menare too conscious of the value of time to use two syllables when
one will express their meaning. Such trifles as these betray the
'prentice hand. Much as we dislike adaptations from the French, we
dislike them none the more for being cleverly turned. If Nos iBons
Villagcois was witty at Paris, we fear that its wit must have boon
washed overboard in its passage across the Channel. The success of
Diamonds and Hearts must be shared amongst the ladies and gentlemen
who played in it; and the largest slice must be given to Miss NELLY
MoosiE, who played with such grace and earnestness as to bring the
house down more than once. Miss IiNE BUiiKE looked very pretty
as the indiscreet and penitent wife. Ma. HowE played the part of
the injured and vindictive husband forcibly; and MEsses. CI 'I'ENDALEI
and FARREN were well fitted with characters. The scenery was
Another adaption from SARDou has been brought forward at the
St. James's under the title of A Rapid Thawl. The piece was not re-
ceived very favourably; and we hope that its writer, Mi. T. W.
ROBERnTSON, will abandon adaptation for ever, and commit no more
treason against the intellect which gave us Ours and Society. Why
should a man who carries a full purse in his pocket go about borrowing
half-crowns ? We need scarcely say that the dialogue of A -Rapid
Thaw is neatly written; an utter want of interest in its characters and
plot was the cause of its cold reception. The acting was not of a high
order (Hector was almost inaudible) ; perhaps a better performance
might have saved the piece. The dresses and scenes were perfection.
A series of "Sensation Concerts" has commenced at St. Martin's
Hall. The salle is tastefully decorated and brilliantly illumined.
Music, vocal and instrumental, is judiciously varied by a little
tumbling and contortion. The Levy hnd DISTIN Instrumental Union
is well worth going to hear.
Britons never-never-never I "
WHEmEs's the Jamaica Committeeoo, and has it time, amid the
Christian delights of the prosecution of a.man who only did his duty,
to step in and put a stop to an attempt to re-establish slavery in
England ? If so, here is the chance. We quote an advertisement
which appeared in the Manchester Guardian the other day :-
N OTICE.-A Gentleman, having occupied apartments at No. 53, C- RIoad, lnd
- having left a Few Articles, thloe months ago, it not taken away within seven
days, will be sold to defray expenses.
" A gentleman" is not a commodity to be picked up every day, and we
can easily conceive the competition that will take place when lie is
put up for sale. We entreat our anti-slavery friends to step in at once
and prevent the inhuman -barter!
[MARCH 16, 1867.
"YOU'LL FIND NO CHANGE IN ME 1"
SCENE.-A railway station. Train just of.
Old Lady (frantically) :-"HI, BOY! Mr CHANGE!"
Boy:-" WERRY SORRY, MUM, MY HEALTHH WON'T ALLOW ME TO RUN, BUT JEST REMIND E OF IT NEXT TIME YOU'RE THIS WAY."
THE AGE OF ELECTRO-PLATE.
WE sigh that the times are so terribly bad,
As we shut up our pockets and purse;
But it's easy to see how a fashion or fad "
Makes them very decidedly worse.
We can tell, if we.try to examine a page,
Of the book which is ticketed Fate,"
We have bartered the gold and the silver age,
For an Age of Electro-Plate!
Who cares for the cant of degenerate days
That of facts not of theories sings,
We have authors of stolen Parisian plays,
And fingers for Brummagem rings.
The crosses and lockets for feminine throats,
May be purchased for." seven and eight."
There are flowers of paper to stick in our coats,
In the Age of Electro-Plate!
Not a barber exists but exhibits a yard
Of exceedingly dubious hair,
Which is twisted or plaited or shown on a card,:'
Ready dyed for the dark or the fair.
Soft faces are plastered with powder and paint.
Bald patches made black as the grate,
The dresses so low that our grandmothers faint,
At the Age of Electro-Plate!
WHY is a choleric man like a handsaw ? Because directly he gets
hot he loses his temper.
THE REAL COMMERCIAL DocKS.-Discounts.
Flat or Sharp ?
THE assertion of musicians that they can by descriptive instrumental
music conjure up a picture has been often sneered at. Cynics have
defied them to fiddle a landscape or play purple on a piano. But an
advertiser in the Daily Telegraph the other day threw the composers of
oratorios and sonatas in the shade completely. This second Orpheus
is for fiddling a best Brussels-to be swept (like the harp) by Music,
heavenly (parlour) maid ?" Nor is that all-he wishes to fiddle gilding
-but our readers shall judge for themselves:-
o CARPET WARE HOUSES and GILDERS.-A well-known Professor of Music
requires a Brussels carpet in exchange for a first-class MUSICAL EDUCA-
TION. Also some Glasses Regilded on the same terms.-Musica, Post-office, &c.
It remains to be seen whether any sensible warehouse or gilder"
will feel inclined to accept Musica's shrill trebles in lieu of those
other crisper and more tangible notes issued by the Bank of England.
Go along with your rubbishing verses to Spring,
You pastoral pipe-playing throng
Of poets, who love of her beauty to sing,-
Can't you see your descriptions are wrong ?
You talk of her light gauzy garments that fly
In the breezes. Shut up, if you please!
The description's-I see at a glance-all my eye!
Why bosh!-the material's freeze !
A CORRESPONDENT notices the letters in the papers referring to the
lengthening hours of light, and the arrival of the swallow, as prog-
nostics of spring. He says that he saw a very long DAY and MARTIN
in Holborn in the very depth of Winter.
FUJN .-MAioii 16, 1867.
THE WESTMINSTER PLAY.
Shylock, M&. D*SRA*LI. Antonio, MR. BR*GIIT. Bassanio, 3/1. GL*DST*NE.
Shylock (to Antonio):-" Why look you how you storm!
I would be friends with you and have your love,
Forget the shames that you have stained me with,
Supply your present wants and you'll not hear me! "J
MAoCH 16, 1867.]
DOUBLE ACROSTIC. SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
A POET sat on a mossy bank, OPENING OP THIE NEW SEASON AND THE FIFTH VOLUME Or TIllE
As poets they say will do sometimes, NAw Slnutous.
And he sang aloud, "The muse I thank "That old man cloquent."-JouN MILTON. Sonnet t& the Lady Margaret L.vy.
For so fair a subject for my rhymes," BlrIORAVIA.
As a lady passed; but she turned her back, SUBSCRIBERS ALL !-This is an occasion on which I prefer addressing
And though one cur was kissed by the wind, of myself to you all, direct, instead of through the usual intermediate
Thes a fearsome thing that hangs behind!ac, of my good and gifted young friend, our noble and respected Editor,
1Tis a fearsome thing that hangs behind! than whom I am sure a person more thoroughly kind at heart though
perhaps a little too fond of writing me sarcastic letters not suited to
1. my period, and making me feel nervous in my inside.
When the 'Fairshon swore a feud, We stand, gentlemen, for such I will venture to call you, on the
And the howling clansmen came; brink of a new volume, and, which it may well be called, by way of a
Every kinsman wild and rude, joke, a horsepicious occasion. It is only natural that yo shouldest
Had one word before his name. wish for a few familiar words of greeting from one who has now been
your Prophet for two revolving years, and was previously employed
2. much more respectable.
When the great Cid, from dawn till day grew dim It has been said of SIAKESPEARE (and whom a namesake of his Iwas
Smote them ; be sure they often called on him. first favourite for the Liverpool Grand National) that he was master
alike of smiles and tears, and rules equally over the hearts of old and
young. The same remark may fairly be applied to NICHOLAS, and per-
In the days now gone.by haps, to NICHOLAs alone amongst all the Sportive Writers of the present
Long before you and I day, than whom, though they may be very worthy fellows in their
Were thought of, they lived and grew fatter; way, yet I would metaphorically, lick any one of them off his head
We their images see, with my right hand tied behind my back, though it may seem vanity
And to you and to me glorious such for to say. And they know it, every man-jack of 'oem !
Their absence on earth doesn't matter. THE CHARM OF NICHOLAS FOR THE YOUNG.
4. The charm of NicHOLAs for the young is, that he, himself, retains
Too often seen in very piteous case, so much of the innocence and of the bounding boyishness which used
While without speech, it has a speaking face. to please my dear mamma, now gone. Every youth in Great Britain,
5 and likewise our terrestrial colonies, knows that in spirit NIConoAs is
as young as himself-and when I say "in spirit," I do not mean to
A great philosopher who said that beauty speak of the Prophet as though he were a nasty preparation in a
Rewards itself, since seeing is a duty. bottle, nor yet as if he were far gone in drink, which, upon my sacred
6. word of honour, gentlemen all, is at the present moment not the caw,
Where music sheds her calnmest, holiest spell, he having had nothing to speak of yet this morning beyond a few
We praise his name who helped her on so well. glasses of sherry wine; what the Prophet intends to convey-not as
he is in the habit of carrying parcels, or such-is that his heart is
7. still fresh and gay, and good for any game you like, my boys," like
Her dress is lovely, but the sheen grows fainter Champagne Charley in the song, which a man outside is at present
Beside the canvas when MILLAIS 's the painter, grinding it on his organ, and I wish he would leave off.
THE CHARM OF NICImbLAS FOR THE OLD.
ANSWER TO ACROSTIC w No. 94. The charm of NICHOLAS for the old is his wisdom, his learnness, his
C Clef F knowledge of the world and its ways. Why, bless you, I am some-
H Heloise E times almost terrified to think how much I do know If I was to
E Eden N write down in a book, or put it into a play like SHAKESPEARE did, 411
S Si I the queer things I have seen on the turf, why, gentlemen, it would be
T Tessa A unfit for publication, and hissed off the stage the first night. Society,
E Eton N as at present constituted, couldn't stand it. It would be too true The
R Bates S wickedness, the recklessness, the downright dishonesty which have
CORRrOT SOLUTIONS or ACROSTIC In No. 94, RECEIVED 6a MARc.-E. T., long been associated with my favourite pastime, would draw a shudder
Penzance; K. P. *; T. W. S.; Barbel; N. T.; Snip; Three Cockroaches; from a police-magistrate, though those gentlemen are tolerably familiar
Rodney; Bow-wow; Nanny's Pet; Edwin; Gena; A Gowk; Nettie; Ruby; with the desperate iniquity of the human heart. Upon my conscience,
Audrey; E. B., Tooting; Neleh B. gentlemen, and it is the best security I have to offer, the turf really
seems to me to get worse and worse, more and more degraded every
A Plated Article. season. Such being the case, I hope to keep you well informed con-
THE a the by mean mall aar s Our corning all its movements, in which, as true-born Englishmen, you
THE War in the Plate is by no means so small an affair as our old naturally take a deep and sympathetic interest.
friend the Storm in a Teapot. It was announced in the House of During the coming season it is not improbable as I shall visit Paris,
Commons the other night that neither of the belligerents had asked and if so, I promise to hang about all the French stables, and send
for mediation. It is evidently a case of war to the knife-in which, you any news as I may pick up.
under the circumstances, the fork ought to be included. One would When the summer comes, you will find me at my old place at Lon)'s
fancy, too, that hostilities in the Plate would give employment to the Cricket Ground-not precisely in the Pavilion, for the M.C.C. .have
spoon, but it is to be hoped that the latter, being a stirring character, still declined to elect him, but yet talking on the friendliest terms with
will not be placed in a position injurious to the rest of the service- the secretary, Mn. FITZOGEALD, perhaps over a pot of stout.
which as a dinner service, naturally expects to get its desserts. In a few weeks, if ye keep a good look out, ye may descry my fine
Hints for Amateur Horticulturits.old form at Putney; bt I shall not tell you at present whether I
Hints for Amateur Horticulturists. intend to stay at the Oxford "White Lion," or the Cambnridge Sitar
IF your horse-radish is backward it is no use to cry Come up!" and Gaiter," as the other young gentlemen might feel dispirited. On
to it. the day of the race, look out for the Old Man, my boys, and give him
You must take your cues when to plant your peas. a cheer after his severe indisposition.
It is not always that the produce of lawns (s)lcaves a bishop-rick Finally, Knurr and Spell will continue to have that attention paid
of hay. which the noble and familiar old game have always received in those
A sharp speech will not cut grass though you may consider it a delightful columns. NCHOLAs.
What a falling-off was there I've Schvear'd off!"
Miss MENKEN is improving herself, we learn from a contemporary, A REUTER'S telegram from berlin informs us that:-
in French elocution with a view to appearing in a speaking rdle in PRINCe FREDERICK CInAR..ES ];as returned from Schwcrin."
Paris. This will be a more pleasant performance than the rolls she We are glad to hear it, and hope he will not again resort to the
has lately had on the French stage owing to her horse's falling. profane practice.
[MARCH 16, 1867.
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIC PHYSIOGKOMIST.
SOME ENGAGED MEN.
THE C. P. often debates within himself the question whether he is
a practical man or a theorist. He is, of course, anxious for the repu-
tation of eminent practicability; but, at the same time, he does not wish
to deceive himself on the point. He, in common with all thinking
nien, entertains theories on certain subjects of which he has not had
the advantage of practical experience; and his theories on such points
are particularly conclusive and indisputable, to his own perceptions.
He has never been up in a balloon, but he believes that he could write
you as vivid an account of an aerial journey as if he had been the
chosen friend of COXWELL, and the inseparable companion of GLAISHER,
from his earliest youth to his present prime. He never happens to
have hunted a gorilla, but he believes that AI. DE CHAILLU himself
could not beat him at a life-like description of that exciting sport. So
far he is, of course, a theorist; and so far, every thinking man must
be a theorist. But although the C. P. has neither travelled in balloons
(he does not count a shilling ascent at Cremorne at the end of a rope),
nor hunted gorillas, he has done so many things that other people have
not done, that he feels justified in weighing his practicability against his
theories, and of giving the verdict in favour of the former. And he is
the more reconciled to this conclusion, as he finds that whenever he
reduces a theory to practice, the deductions which he drew from the
theory are almost invariably overthrown whenever he subjects them to
an actual test. He stated in the first chapter of these papers that all
that he had thereunto written on the subject of physiognomy was
entirely wrong, although he introduced his ridiculous views on the
subject with all the fanfarronade and bombast of absolute infallibility.
The C. P. is particularly led to the consideration of these matters
by the fact that he feels that he is about to treat of a subject
of which he has had no actual ex-
perience. Two years ago this considera-
tion would not have affected him in the
smallest degree, and he would have
discoursed on the advantages and the in-
conveniences of being in a state of pro-
bationary matrimony with an engaging
assurance which would have carried
conviction to the minds of all who had
never had a practical experience of a state
of betrothal. But he is a wiser man than
he then was, and he cannot close his eyes
to the fact that he is about to launch his
literary bark upon unknown seas. But
he has committed himself to the under-
taking, and there is no help for it.
Here is a gentleman who is going to
marry for money, and the C. P. is afraid ,
that his bride will have a sad time of it.
The poor old lady has to supply him with
the means of continuing his amiable ex- i
cesses, and as long as he finds that she is 1
disposed to do this, so long will he con-
tinue a bachelor, and she a spinster. But a day will come when the
unhappy old maiden's patience will be exhausted, and he will have no
alternative but to link her fortunes with his own. He has but one
accomplishment, and that is a capital conjuring trick. He takes a
handful of her money and a handful of
his bills-he places them together and
Here is a jealous lover. The C. P.
wishes there were some better word for it
than "lover;" but unless he goes to
France for it-which he scorns to do-he
will not be able to find one. All the ex-
pressions which go to describe the condi-
tion of a man who is about to be married
have become so vulgarized by valentines
and cracker-mottoes that they are simply
unendurable to a mind that boasts of any-
thing approaching to refinement. In
France they, at all events, have no valen-
tines, which may account for the air of
comparative refinement which envelopes
any allusion to affectionate relations
between man and woman in the French
tongue. It is a peculiarity of most jealous
lovers, and particularly of the jealous t 4,
lover whom the C. P. has selected as a
specimen of his class, that they are infinitely less faithful-infinitely
more Don Giovanni-fied in their moral character-than the apparently
happy-go-lucky gentlemen who, giving no cause for distrust them-
selves, are less prone to suspect its existence in others. If the C. P.
were engaged, he would be a happy-go-lucky lover, maidens.
Here is a gentleman who is going to
marry for love. He is an old nobleman,
and, the C. P. regrets to say that he has
been a very wicked old nobleman in his
day. There was once a day-it's a long I
while ago-when this wicked old noble-
man (then a pretty good young nobleman)
might have married any one of half the
well-born young ladies of his day, for he
was a handsome young nobleman, and a
rich one too. But he neglected his
chances until the black hair had to be
replaced by the preternaturally luxuriant
wig, and the black whiskers had turned a
rich sea green; and now he thinks it is
time he were settled, if the title is to go
down to any one. So he has induced
)IDLLE. CORALIE DE LA BRABAZONNE,
premiere danseuse of H. M. Theatre, to
share his coronet; and a pretty life MIDLLE.
CORALIE DE LA BRABAZONNE will lead him, jJ /
the C. P. hopes, trusts, and does verily
Here are two engaged gentlemen of distinctly opposite temperaments.
The sprightly-looking young man on the reader's left is a gentleman
who is proud of being engaged, and the dismal-looking gentleman on the
right is a gentleman who is ashamed of being engaged. The sprightly
gentleman is proud of it because he has not yet had sufficient experience
of his position to become aware of its inconveniences ; and the dismal
gentleman is ashamed of it because he is too selfish a gentleman to
perceive its advantages. The sprightly gentleman is never so happy
as when he is talking of his bride-elect, and becomes amiably weari-
some in the readiness with which he will expatiate on her innumerable
advantages to gentlemen who don't happen to be engaged to her. The
dismal gentleman, on the other hand, resents any allusion to the tender
topic of his approaching marriage as a direct personal insult. The
chances are that after half-a-dozen years of married life these two
extremes will meet at a half-way-house of amiable indifference to their
respective wives-and the sprightly gentleman (who will have lost
much of his sprightliness) will declare that married life has not turned
out to be everything that he anticipated; and the dismal man (who
will have lost much of his dismality) will be equally ready to assert
that he has found the life of a Benedict not half as distasteful as he
expected that it would be.
The C. P. cannot close this chapter without adverting to a theory of
his own, that bears upon the best means of securing conjugal happi-
ness. It is that the husband should make a point of giving way to his
wife-after a great show of allowing himself to be convinced-upon
every point which is i ot of the slightest consequence; so will he be
able to insist, with apparent fairness, on having his own wayin matters
of vital importance.
WHY is a butcher-boy like a race for two-year-olds ? Because he
is a juvenile selling steaks.
MARCH 16, 1867.] IlT N 13
A PLUCKY OLD MAN.
I LOOKr back on the olden times,
My usual habit after dinner,
When I indulged in ardent rhymes,
And wish'd that I was growing thinner.
I lived and loved like ScEILLER'S maid.
Ahl! me, where are those famous beauties ?
Married and done for, I'm afraid,
And hamper'd with connubial duties.
I smile when I remember Town,
That now looks so intensely dreary,
Seem'd fair before my beard was grown,
And every maiden was a Peri.
Town was a paradise I thought
As down Pall-mall I'd idly saunter,-
But now the rolling years have taught,
How strangely tempora mutantur.
I'd vague ideas of martial fame,
Of England's past and future. glories,.
And thought her honour was the aim .
Of rulers, whether Whigs or Tories.
I'm wiser now, each man declares
Her-noblest work's non-intervention,
And managing the state affairs
Means simply-place and coming pension..
Old age had honour then from youth,
And only gipsies talk'd slang lingo,
And manfully we told the truth,
And never swore by Jove or Jingo.
The rustic mind was fogg'd with beer
And eleemosynary eating,
And I could tell some stories queer
OfQ bribes that wouldn't bear repeating.
Andyotitwbatimatter? still I'll praise
Each fiesh year, asa fair new-eomer ;
I'm reeompna'.d in various ways
For -visions left with each old summer.
S.paess the bottle-round, my lad, .
]Let OnIoN linger by his ferry-
And fill a bumper to your dad-.
We'll make a night on't and be merry.
..- ONLY A, CABBY 1
Ara tinte wha- COV Reforim is- being diseusse&, and-will probably,
be undertaken- before long,- the .history of poor WIIAM .Cox, a cab-
man, aged50; who -committed suicide in Regant's-park, should be read,
with other and. more practical feelings than, mere pity. Here is the
.", ,rah Ann Cox, of 40, istsatseet, arid--On ,Saturday. night last she, saw lB
husbend'lastalive at nine,o'cloek. He was in a public-house, but not drinking. I,
toldhim I had' no bread to, give-the- children (two), and he answered, 'If lean
borrow a shilligi Sara] I.willbring hin a loaA' Go home .tobed, dearly yeoumust.
betired, and i will eme.homei soon.' I, had been up thresni'ghts'witha aasffering
child. Iwent home to bed about ten o'clock, and as he had notarriyed at midnight,.
Iwent'insearoh of him, and ealied'at alithe police-stations, btut couldhear nothing
ofhiu. I. itheibelievedthati.he.wquld notioomehome -because-he-couldn ot'borrow
the shilling. He had been out of work from the time of the Cattle, Show, and had-
been in the workhouse infirmary from illness for a month. A Jrour: How.were
you-supported.during his illness 7 Witness : Mr. Tubbs (the relieving officer) kindly
gae me four heavy tickets sweek and-obtained a sovereign for me ftom the board,
and interested himself with the magistrate, who gave me another sovereign, My
husband got work on Tuesday last, but was discharged on, the Friday, because he
did not bring in enough money. On that day,I gave him 2d. to.get some fried fish,
but-he broughtit back tome, as he said'the- children wanted it. I know he had
nothing to eat from the Tuesday to the time I saw him last. We'parted-with our
furniture'and beds, to keep our rent paid. Mr. Boylesl(the coroner'soffice) here
produced one of several papers which were taken from.the pockets of the deceased
which -was a, police summons to appear before Mr. Tyrwhitt, the magistrate, at
Marlborough-street, for loitering instead of being on the rank. The widow said-
Yes, that is true. He was summoned by the police, and he said-tome, Sarah, you
do fret; but. what will you do when I. go to prison I You know I cannot pay the
The cabman gets plentifully abused for extortion-what can you ex,
pect, when his employer expects thirteen shillings a, day from him F
Of course people say all cabmenare ruffians, just as, they say all beg-
gars are impostors. But that does not prevent beggars from dying of
hunger in .the. streets at times-nor does it, we hope, quite deaden the,
public. conscience when it.tbinks of cabby, the ruffian, going four days
without fo.od,,and refusing the poor twopence that the children might
A LITTLE -LATE, BUT TOO GOOD TO BE "LOST.,
THE,2BAL AMLr Mater :-M. h SESAKOLE.
enjoying Baad .realthn.
THE Paris correspondent of the Standard must be the direct lineal
descendant of our old friend Mark Tapley. He wrote the other day
The weather in Paris is delightful, but very unhealthy; there is an influenza
epidemic prevailing, which has laid up half the town.
The man who can consider that weather which is so unhealthy that
it lays up half Paris with influenza, is delightful, must be prepared to
be jolly under the most trying circumstances.
The Rhyme of the Ready Reckoner.
WHERE there's a will,
There's a way;
And where there's a bill,
You must pay!
THE Morning Advertiser relates the story of a Parisian coaOchman,
who, having undergone amputation of the tongue for cancer, had the
organ replaced by one of India-rubber. Although he cannot speaks"
the account goes on to say, he tastes swallows and smoke$ his pipe
with apparent enjoyment." How he can smoke his pipe after he has
tasted and swallowed it rather puzzles us.
ANY WIFE TO ANY HUSBAND.
MY husband! every morn we part,
And my poor heart must bear its trial;
But moments come when tears will start;.
And grief no longer brook denial.
And yet I ought, you often say
To try the aid of calmer reason,
Since soon will come the close of day
When purest love will have its season.
Then you will peacefully return,
And war no more our hearts will sever,
Then bright your study hearth will bum,
And miles and joys be ours for evw.
Then! then, ah! then I'll cease to fret,
And on my lips receive your greeting ;
But, deareat, you will not forget
That little piece of fish from SwETnmeo's.
[ cannot return rejected ISS. or 0keth4s8 unless they are eeom,
pansed 'by a stamped and directed envelope.]
G. V. K.-Your acrostic on chignon is decline; no more on that head,
E. B.-We really cannot undertake to. answer suph questions. Our
space is valuable.
W. J. P.-Your chignon sketch is-too seratoby.
FIRsT WHIP ought -to have been. whipt flt4t before.seliung us, bench
halting verse ,
SUCKING Dov,, Stead-street Halifax, saya he hae. "a reputation
amongsthis friends.as an inventor of riddles." If he has. te repu)at*n
is not his own, for half the riddles he sends us are. ribbed.
A,. J.-Go.on and prosper.
S. E., Cardigan, will doubtless open FuN- crying; "Ah 'the LastPot of
Polter '--t't-on-t ?" Well, it isn't in:
A PooR PFzADBE.-To quote your own line :-
"Echo anaweredi No!"
We.must say ditto to Echo.
C. T. W., Liverpool, sends us. a joke of which "some time ago arienidjf
his was;an eyewitness." Did C. T. W. really have, the, honQr' of knowing
the-lamented JosBs'R MILTBl .
W.: H. I., Borough.-" The prices we allow for such cont ibulione." s
yours-i.e., rejected ones,-are exactly 0 0s. Od.
S. S., Canonbury, may be a great gun there, but we.cannot servehim
by inserting his copy.
PIOKLax has written nothing worth preserving.
Declined with thanks-C. 0. A., Denbigh-place; St G.; H'. G.;
G. A. S.; W. P., Harrow; W. M., Whitby; E. G. M.; M. L. J'.;.
H. G.; Earnest; Frolic; J. W.; Ben; J. N. L., Edinburgh, An
Engineer; Your P. D,; B. C., Ipwich; Rad; G. H. B Brighiton;
W. L., Golden-square; R. S., Stoke Newington; C. L. K.; L.
C. W.; J. Fitz-C., TenbyJ. H. A., Southampton; Q. J. R., Mildmay
Park; C. W., Maida-hill; E. G. R.; R. E., Manchester; Nem Con; D.;
Mugby; Lancashire Lad; R. M.; L. B. R., Londonderry; C. C., Dunlin;
H. N., Kew; G. C., Worcester; Notes; Issabeller; Tuftheoter; A
Subscoriber; E. B. M., Oxford; Mercury; 0. S.; Phix; H. A. W.,
Southesa; F. L.; Dominie Ardudidaso ,os; T.. W. F.; C. Ai& 64
Islington; C. D., Belfast.
14 F TJ N [MARCH 16, 1867.
A REFRESHMENT BAR.
THE Refreshment Bar is a miniature of the world. Indeed, were
SHAKESPEARB alive now, the probabilityis that he would alter the well-
known lines in As You Like It. They would probably run somehow
in this style:-
All the world's a bar;
And all the men and women merely payers,
They have their X. X. and their sandwiches;
And each man in his time has various quarts.
The ingenious and polyprosopous ERNST SCHULZ could scarcely
mould his plastic countenance into the endless variety of faces and
expressions which flit .before the marble slab. The melancholy, the
merry, the choleric, the kindly, the sage and the silly, all alike come
for sherry and sandwiches, beer and buns, porter and pie.
In old days, when food and drink obtainable at Refreshment Bars
were of such a vile quality that no one could be prevailed on to taste
them save by the pangs of approaching starvation, the world did not
present a pleasant aspect. But reform, which still lingers at the bar of
the House of Commons, has long since passed our bar. The popularity
and success of MESSRS. SPIERs AND POND have opened the eyes of the
purveyors generally, and some pretence is usually made nowadays to
an improved system. Too often there is only an outward affectation
The public can now be pleasant at the bar instead of being as surly
as if it were at the bar of the Old Bailey. Young city men or Govern-
ment clerks find it pleasant to loiter by the glittering counters, and
bask in the smiles of the presiding damsels. A copy of verses be-
"Such flavour her smiles lend a sandwich,
With envy the mustard turns pale:
And there's that in the touch of her hand, which
Gives brightness and briskness to ale,"
has been found in Pall Mall, and is conjectured by the curious to have
been inspired by some fair maid at Victoria. It must be noted, by the
way, that with an improved commissariat the refreshment bar developed
improved courtesy, and the young ladies no longer help you to their
acorn as well as their sandwiches, and add the bitterness of a sneer to
your Bass. It is to be regretted that some shallow idiots who can
talk nothing but nonsense, especially to a woman, take advantage of
this concession, and bore the damsels to death with their attentions.
Having enjoyed by thie kind permission of BENJAMIN WEB- we
beg pardon, of MEss8s. S. and P-- rare opportunities for studying
and classifying the different species of the genus homo which flit before
the bar, we venture to indicate a few varieties.
There is 'the -party with a rough coat, and the hat that has, as the
poet remarks, seen many summers-including winters. As a rule, he
asks for "a glass of Burton, miss, please." [The printer is requested, for
the benefit of those who run and (CHARLES) READE, to put that in
small type, expressive of rapid and compressed utterance.]
Then there is the pale, tall youth, with chilly hair tucked behind his
ears, who asks for nectar, but finding it is not on tap, takes a glass of
" pale brandy, cold." [The printer is requested to put his remark in
ordinary type, as he is only a poet.]
Then there is the brisk and often rosy party, who frequently has
differences with porters and ticket collectors, not to breathe the word
' Cabman.' He likes spirit-ofttimes rum-and water "HOT." [Small
caps expressive of importance.]
There is the lardy-dardy swell, not seldom in a Government office,
but also in spite of the statistics of society, hailing on occasion from
the City. He requires a g-l-a-a-ss aw-f sh-e-w-e-w-y." [We were
anxious to put this in "extended sanserif," (whatever that may be)
to denote languor and drawling, but were very properly checked by
the Master Printer.]
Finally, there is the loafer, who intends to go by some train or other
to some station or other some of these days. He is low as to the
crown of his hat and his conversation-tight as to his trousers and his
condition at times-short as to his coat-tails and intelligence. He
lives principally on toothpicks and silly conversation, and is a per-
petual nuisance to the damsels of the bar. [The only type that can
represent the size of his talk is too minute for ordinary printing.]
Of the varieties of the female sex there is almost an equal number.
We might begin with her who takes a bun-as a pretext for a glass of
brandy and water, and continue the series to the jolly old lady who
comes in boldly for her beer,-touching lightly on the giggler who
" never touches anything," but will sip a considerable drop if pressed,
and making passing reference to the serious female with a bulgy
black bag who takes tea solemnly. Our gallantry-or space forbids.
boadint fried by JUDD & GLASS, Plio nix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Fuolsune (Lir te Proprietor) by J. ALt 1, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
March 16, 1867..
MARCH 23, 1867.]
First Benedict :-" WELL, THIS WEATHER SUIT YOU ? "
Second Ditto :-" CAPITAL, CAPITAL! AND YOU?"
First Ditto :-"I BELIEVE YOU :-MY WIFE HAS SUCH A COLD SHE CAN'T
Second Ditto:-" So HAS MINE!"
FROM OUR STALL.
A CONDENSED adaptation of SAM FOOTE'S Liar has been brought out
at the Olympic, and promises to run for some time. The piece is well
worth seeing, if only as a specimen of the lively dialogue that its
clever and unscrupulous dog of an author could write when he chose.
The character of Young Wilding fits Ma. CHARLES MATHEWS to a
nicety. The triumphant pirouette he executes on the exit of each suc-
cessive dupe is as funny as the famous puppet business in the Game of
Speculation. MR. ADDISON represented the dear old conventional father,
threatening everybody with a big stick, and apoplectically gasping
out, "Zounds, you rascal, I've a good mind to -- !" But nine-
tenths of MR. ADDISON'S part were inaudible to the folks at the
back of the dress-circle. MR. WIGAN, as the valet, and MR. MONTAGUE,
as the fine gentleman, did all that was required of them, by revolving
gracefully round the centre of attraction, Wilding, junior. MRs.
CHARLES MATHEWS looked perfectly fascinating in powder; but the
voice was not so thoroughly disguised as the figure in the last scene.
The Olympic is giving us exactly the right kind of entertainment just
now; and we sincerely hope that it will be a long time before the
house relapses into melodrama.
THE revival of A Hundred Thousand Pounds and La Gazza Ladra
draws plenty of good houses to the Prince of Wales's. In the comedy,
Miss LYDIA FooTm and MR. F. YOUNGE have succeeded Miss WILTON
and MR. DEWAR; and the acting of the piece is as near perfection as
formerly. MR. CLARKE appears to have elaborated the part of Penny-
thorne still more highly in honour of the occasion. MR. HARE'S
Fluker afforded no room for further polish. The burlesque-one of
MIR. BYRON'S very best-goes as well in Tottenham-street as it went in
the Strand, thanks to Miss MARIE WILTON, MR. CLARKE, and MR. F.
YoUNOE. The lady was received with enthusiasm; we hope that she
I AM thirty to-day, and my health
Will be drunk at our family party,
Where prophecies touching my wealth
And my fame will be fluent and hearty.
Then Fancy, excited by themes
That are born of the wine and the dinner,
May bring back belief in the dreams
That I dreamed as a hopeful beginner.
Ah! my ballads, my songs, how I've yearned
For the time to collect you and edit
A book that perhaps would have earned,
Not a name, but a quantum of credit.
I'd christen it Sweets for the Sweet,"
Or "The Lyrics and Lays of a Lover; "
And Simmonds's Poems Complete,
Should be printed in gold on the cover.
I have longed for the pleasures that gold
Can procure-and I freely confess it:
(For avarice grows, we are told,
As the ipsa pecunia crescit.)
It'f I had but a fortune-oh, then
I could finish shy course pretty gaily,
With lots of the cleverest men
In my circle to dine with me daily.
I should give up my bachelor life
When I met with a girl to adore me :
With riches and fame and a wife,
What a path would be open before me !
My bliss would be trebly secure,
And my future unclouded and sunny,
She'd love me for love, I am sure;
And, if not, she could love me for money !
Ode to the North-East Wind.
"WELCOIME, wild North-Easter!
Shame it is to see
Odes to every Zephyr,
Not a verse to thee."
So says Mu. KINGSLEY,
Who appears to find
Something very bracing
In a North-East wind.
For my part, however,
Ere I'd write an ode
To the vile North-Easter,
Why, I'd see it blowed!
will think no more of abandoning burlesque, for ever so many rolling
years. Really the public can't afford it.
MaR. WEBSTER'S illness has caused some delay in the long-promised
production of Lost in London. In the interval, the public had an
opportunity of seeing MR. TOOLE in Paul Pry, an opportunity they
have not lost, to judge from the crowded houses. Ma. ToOLa's per-
formance of the part of Paul Pry is thoroughly humorous, and well
deserved the roars of laughter with which it was received. His im-
perturbable gravity is admirable, and lends great force to his acting,
both in this piece and in Mountain Dhu, which may be a good burlesque
when viewed from the North, but seemed to us to owe the greater part
of its success to MR. TooLE'S extravagances. It would be well, perhaps,
if some of the young ladies who act with him in the burlesque were to
take example by his gravity-a giggle is not legitimate business.
St. George's (not) for Merry England.
THE rich parishes of London, and the parish of St. George's,
Hanover-square, among the foremost, are protesting against Mu.
GATHORNE HARDY'S mild step towards the equalization of Poor Rates.
They talk about the confiscation of West-end property for the benefit
of East-end property." It is well they should know this is not a ques-
tion of property but of humanity-if such a word be recognized in the
On a Recent Resignation.
AN EPIGRAM BY AN OLD TORY.
To Government I really feel
I cannot give my votes-
For having had a General Peel,
Perhaps they'll turn their coats.
[MARCH 23, 1867.
BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
,c LULL, which by the
time this is in the
s a by-tae w hands of the reader,
will have changed
probably into an un-r
mistakeable row, has
e, erpervaded the world
'I of politics at St. Ste-
p. hen's. A truce has
)) i of the Ministry, and
will be kept until the
measure is before the
e no House. In the com-
parative repose of the
Commons, some few,
useful measures have
in the interim beensl
Smoking progress, and:
none of them de-
E serves a good word
more than Ir. Lex-
mAw's bill for regu-
lating the transfer of
Bank Shares. There
is the usual outcry
against it, that it
stops trade." Well, if by-trade we are to understand the sort of
gambling by which the "bears overthrew the AGotA and MASTER-
MAN'S Bank, to the ruin and misery of hundreds, why the sooner
"trade" is stopped the better. The argument brought against the
bill, that a dealer in shares ought not to be called on to name the shares
he means to sell, any more than a dealer in corn should be expected to
name the exact sacks he will supply, is fallacious. The number of
shares is a fixed and ascertainable quantity. If the supply of corn were
limited in the same way to a small number of sacks, no legitimate
trader-no man who really wanted. the corn, and did not want merely
to gamble, would purchase any, unless he knew that the man who
proposed to sell to him had the sacks to supply. I see the Eeonomis
committee, no doubt, and will then have to pass the Upper House. I
wish it success, even at the expense of "trade," when "trade" plays
duck and drakes with the savings of old soldiers, widows, and orphans,
as it did in the case of the bank I alluded to just now, as ruthlessly
as if it had been a member of the great firm of STRAIIAn PAUL, and
Tin Fenian disturbances have given rise to great anxiety, and have
done much injury in Dublin. But they will not do more, unless it be
that they will get a few foolish young men into trouble. Americans
account for the outbreak by pointing out the large number of Irishmen
discharged from their army at the close of the civil war-with all their
fighting blood up, and no peaceful business to return to. This seems
a very plausible solution of the matter. This spirit has been carefully
utilised by those sons of the horse-leech who have appointed themselves
Head Centres and receivers of money. It is very unfair to denounce
the Irish-the real Irish people-for an outbreak due to malcontents
from the other side of the Atlantic. If you want to see how the Irish-
men are behaving, look at the. conduct of the police, men who are the
sons of small farmers, and are Catholics. They have behaved ad-
mirably, holding out against odds with splendid pluck. It is a pity
they cannot be formed into a flying column, to pursue the flying
Fenians, for the troops seem to be absurdly distanced by the fleet,
barefooted fugitives, on the tails of whose coats they can't manage to
put salt-much less tread on them.
I nopE, whenever a new Copyright Act is contemplated, that some
steps will be taken to place illustrations on something like the same
footing as contributions to a periodical, i e., to prevent their being
used for other works after having done service in that for which they
were drawn. An artist nowadays has no protection in the matter,
and is liable to see his name paraded as doing a drawing for a book he
has never heard of, or does not care to be connected with. The public,
too, are deceived by such dodges-they buy a now book to find that
its illustrations are familiar to them, or they find the name of a well-
known artist appended to very inferior work, issued as now, to the
injury of his reputation, but being in reality some early and tentative
effort. I have been led into these reflections by the T/oumand and One
Gems of Poetry, issued by MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE, the illustrations to
which are, however, really excellent, though they are old friends, so
that the objection to them is confined to the injury done to Art by this
chewing of the illustrative cud. The book is admirably selected and
arranged by Dit. MACKAY, is well got up, and is a marvel of cheapness.
But I regret to see MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE cooking up old blocks; they
publish some of our best Art books, and should be more careful of
the interests of art. They can afford to leave the hash-up of old cuts
to firms which are notorious for the practice.
IF ever there is excuse for Englishmen- talking about the weather,
it may be admitted to hold good now. There never was such a time.
We have gone up and down the barometer-like a younglady practising
her scales. Perhaps we shall have a spring such as we had last year,
with snow up to the beginning of April,. and then a sudden burst of
warmth and sunlight, bud and blossom. If so, the sooner;April-b-gins
the better. I fear the late frosts must have injured the fritt-blossom
in some parts where it was forward. If it. has: not; we shall have,
if we may believe the promise of trees, a:splendid:fruit. year.
ThE country needs Reform, .and all men cry
For aid to keep our ancient liberty;
And yet too dear our hopes are, of Reform,
To let the people sow the social storm,
And reap the whirlwind; as with evil trade,
Tio demagogues a.foolish game hae. played.
He comes here quite a." griff" anmdveryigpen,
Until this place is a familiar-sceane.
You're welcome here, old. friendoff&miiee
While sunset rays are shining-ffu.
Light up atweed, and pass, there wiel.
Andhlioose the very easiest- cKaiib;
And since to give the wine its dieo
You need a something, take that, too.
The harp is silent here, and fled
All echoes when the music's dead.
When night comes on, and twilight's gentle veil
Is hung o'er all, we hear the nightingale;
And as her heart with full song will rejoice,
We use this word when speaking of her voice.
That she was loveable and fair
We know from one great poet's lays,
And strong knights, for her beauty rare,
Oft tilted in the olden days.
A poet has the wondrous skill
To take you, at his own sweet will,.
'Mid purling streams and waving trees,
By means of music hid in these.
ANSWER TO AcLoSTrIC I No. 95.
T Trail L
0 Oratorio 0
Y Yule E
CORCer T SOLUTIONS or AcnosTIC IN No. 95, RECEIVED 13TH MARCII.-11nurr and
Spell; Owdashus Cuss; High Roads; R. B. H.; The Swarthy Moslem; Pom;'a-
dour; Ginger; Tommy Traddles; Pipehop; F. J. P.; Sciatica; J. H. B.;
Lambkin; J. Jumbles; Ollfields; Snuffbox; Ye Manne of Bengaule; Bumble-
puppy; A. XV. Y.; Clef; Gobbles; Paravassa; Erod; Snooks; Mike; Warming
Pan; Gyp; Lawson; Ruby; M. Noswad; Benhill; Lleyl; A. W. H., Alloa;
Nanny's Pet; It. L. J.; Pluff; W. C. B. 0.; "Right I Am; Latchford; Beef
and Baked; W. E. W., Lloyds; J. ; Ilop round the Ness; Poeta Nascitur;
West Linton ; Llahtyrt ; One Suffolk Punch ; Heme Henmpstead; Scissors; Asmo-
dens; Cemented Brick; C. W. S.; Portobello; The Little J. J.; Young J. W. ;
Kiss Polly Twice; Ferret; Herbergergoss.
N.B. Those answers alone are considered correct which give the exact words of
the aer, stic, and those only, without any second guess. Answers giving Yuletide,"
for example, or Oratorio or Obligate," cannot pass.
How does a mother obtain a first impression of her baby ?-By
setting it up in "small caps."
MARCH 23, 1867.]
NICHOLAS MORALISES WITH REGARD TO HIS FAVOURITE PURSUIT.
"A gentle answer did the Old Man nmake."-WonasWOReTn. Resolution and
OS THE WINNER OF THE GRAND NATIONAL.
So, Gentlemen, Cortolvin have won, such being the Prophot's own
anticipation that he would do so, though I did not like to make it too
public for fear of encouraging the young DUKE OF HAMILTON to be
more extravagant than ever in backing of the good and gifted animall;
and, as far as I can see, the DUKE dens not stand in need of any en-
couragement in that direction, but is having what I may call his
Highbland fling, regardless 'of expense, and I daresay as I should be
quite;as prodigal myself if. I were at the same period and had not been'
better 'brought up. The remarkablest thing though, brother Sportive
men of England, is that the French claim this as a national victory
along of young H's. being a Due as it is called in the Gallic -peer-
age, and than whom I do not think much of -them in general, .having
long ago met with a very seedy young cove which was said to be 'a
Marquee, and did NICHOLAS out of four quid when in liquor. How- I
ever, some of them-like my noble friend, the COUNT DE LAGRANoGE-
may very possibly be the soul of honour and quite incapable of.anyt7Ting
shady on'the'Turf, and which I will only say that if our livelymeigh-
hours were so -precious fond of the Duo as to keep him all to them-
selves, there is many an Englishman as would try to bear up during
his absence, and am sorry to see him making Dues and Drakes of the
LORD DERBY'S LAMENT.
A CLASSICAL FRAGMENT.
ALL is confusion now-it was not so
Eight calendar months and some odd days ago!
Then, with an eager and a cheerful mind,
For RUSSELL had resigned,
I, sprang, I seized the helm, to navigate
The Ship of State;
And gaily round me pressed my jolly -rew,
'Clad in the truest, Tory-est of blue!
With military zeal,
Outlaughed the jocund PEEL ;
Yea-at the sight we wondered for a while-
The acrid C'ANvORNE was observed to smile!
Then GATHORNE HAuRDY's strident voice,
Shouted aloud, Rejoice, rejoice! "
Whilst gentle NoRTHCOTs'S accents dlear
Sweetly charmed the listening car,
And irP'INGTON, albeit he might not sing,
'Blew his-onormous nose, that made:the walk ringri
All isconfusion now-it was not so
Eight calendar months and some odd days ago!
.Nor quickly did our jollity abate ;
T3RU f W i' ,CUI ,
lnronertfv jLW-iorm', we IlUuow, coulu waiL,
ONx THE INSTABILITY OF HUMAN AFFAIRS. And BENJAMIN, the son of ISAAC, vowed
He wasn't proud,
It is said by a writer in a daily contemporary under the-fignature of But would prepare, at neeol, a toothsome bill,
" AsaDEUB (which I have some reason to believe as it is&aifictitious Or gild, to say the least, the bitter pill.
name), "that hewould be the last to speak ill of the dead,.but there is a Vain is DISAEuLI'S charm
peculiar moral in the fact that last, week a bookmaker died -Who was To check the wild alarm!
making a 5,000 book on the Derby, and now it transpires that -the 1Oh, wherefore, jolly mariners, oh, why
deceased had not enough capital to defray his own funeral expenses ,From cozy berths and pleasant quarters fly ?
Now, my dear young friend, it is exaggerative dn A-s onus to A frenzy urgos Pa EL along;
say as-he would be the last man:to speak ill of the dead, 'for NronOLAs CAltNAVtYON feels the sense of wrong ;
would be laster still,; but the event, any .dear young Friend, ,is calcu- The bitter CUANISOlNE will not stay,
lated to make us all reflect how mutable 'we are.! !Do I ;blame the But wags his head and walks away;
bookmaker ? No, sir, and I will tell you .zhy. I have ;beon :pretty And vainly PAKINGTON, who fain would sing,
much in the same position myself-not:meaning4hat 'Iever died with- Blows his enormous nose, that makes the wolkin ring!
out leaving enough to pay my funeral expenses, for you would not
believe me, even if I were to swear it, but I have made a book for I11
never you mind how many thousands, at a time when a five-pound All is confusion now-it was not so
note was an article which the Prophet seldom saw, and never touched. Eight calendar months and some odd days ago!
Sir, I won Thanks to my ingenuity and enterprise, I potted a heap Ah! me, my father kept, at Knowsley Park,
of money-and, as you know, have since become one of the Leviathans A sort of NOAh'S Ark
of the Turf, wallowing in riches and in the respectful admiration of For every animal, or great or small,
my fellow-man. Suppose, however, I had happened to lose ? He loved them all!
Sir, in that melancholy event, the form of NICHOLAs would not for More trouble than those, brutes o'er gave my sire,
many weeks have been distinctly visible to the naked eye, like the Menageries of Ministers require!
recent eclipse-at any rate, not on this side of the English Channel. Sick of the whole concern,
A melancholy, but still handsome old Bird, so to speak, would have For private life I yearn :
been observed to alight on a foreign shore at Bolong, and perhaps to To lettered case the Muses still invite,
wing its way to some hay-stamina," as the French call a house of Far from the broad-brimmed Bonnerges BaroGTr;
refreshment, just as if it was a feed for horses; the old Bird in ques- From CtANHORNES far, and far from PeaLs ;
tion might probably have had a pair of blue spectacles fixed across my From POTIER far, and far from BIALES ;
beak ; but to the children of Britannia, my dear young Friend, and And BENJAMIN's despair forlorn,
especially to all those Sportive men of merry, merry England with And classic GLADSTONE'S cruel scorn!
whom he had any pecuniary transactions, NICHOLAS would have been That sound again ? SIt JOHN, in act to sing,
" non est "-and although the Poet (than whom I do not think much Blows his enormous nose, and makes the welkin ring !
of him, he often making the most deceptive and ridicolas remarks)
observes that a non-est man's the noblest work of God," yet NicHOLA~
is still inclined to doubt whether such would have been the general A Bust-Up."
opinion of the Prophet's conduct, whether at Tattersall's, Bride Lane,th, had some rater startling in-
or the Ruins. THE Mesten Bai~y News of the 9th, had some rather startling in-
But, my dear young Friend, do not let us all be a set of canting formation about the Fenians. It stated, Insurgents, :,000 strong, are
humbugs! If you say that a betting-man who incurs liabilities which moving on Ballincollig. The powder mills are five miles west of Cork,
he cannot meet-who makes bets, in fact, entirely on the basis of where the country is pretty open. The military are gone out to meet
credit-if you say, Sir, that such a man is only one step from a them." This i alarming; or if the military who have gone out to
Swindler, then I say you are harsh. Be honest, my young Friend; meet the powder mills should happen to come in collision with them,
speak the plain truth; say that he is only one step from a Railway the consequences would be awful.
Financier; and NICHOLAS, with a blush that ever he should have fell
so low, will sorrowfully own that right you are. Theatrical Note.
All I ask, Sir, on behalf of self and other gentlemen of the same Ta sie o h s .
profession, is this: Tar us all with the same Br'sh! I have done some WE may mention, as a sign of the spirit of innovation which rules
queer things in my time, as, perhaps, you will believe ; but I never the "as'tge, that the nw cotey to be shortly prodTced at tht lrine
created fictitious capital to the extent of a million, and thereby robbed of Wales's Theatre was Cile before it was read. What next
the widow and the orphan. I never had the chance !
NICHOLAS. A Brown Study.
P.S.-I think it is just as well for the widow and orphan that I WHY is a chignon like a coat of fashionable colour ?-Because it's
had not. cuir (queer).
18 FUN. [MARCH 23, 1867.
BRILLIANT DESCRIPTIVE POWERS.
Young Spolker has engaged the lovely Miss Rufus for the next waltz. What would she say if she knew that he (being so bad at catching names,
you know) is putting her down on his card as "turn-up nose and carrots j "
THE VISITORS Of Course NotI
BY MARY HOUSEMAID. THE Hebdomadal Council at Oxford have declined to take action
"Appearances are deceitful."-Old Proverb. upon the memorial presented to them, praying that the honorary
degree of M.A. should be conferred on MR. ROBERT BROWNING, in
HE came-I could not but admire, order to qualify him as a candidate for the Professorship of Poetry.
The faultless taste of his attire. Very consistent and proper of the Council, too! MA. ROBERT BROWN-
He wore the nattiest of boots, ING is only a poet and a scholar,-besides, he would probably deliver
The sweetest thing in tourists' suits really valuable lectures on a subject he knows so much about as poetry,
(Alas, that it must be contest, and that would never do. What would the other Professors say to such
Handcuffs would suit his two-wrists best); an innovation ?
His hat was French, its brim was wide,
He wore it slightly on one side An Evening" Performance.
(Alas, his style caused the mishap, oh, "
I to the chapeau of this chap owe); THE County Times, under the head of Egham, informed us the other
And he had clothed his digits neat day that During Lent, service will be held daily in the parish church
In perfumed gloves from Regent-sti ect- at 5.30 p.m., and on Friday evenings at 10 a.m." The people of Egham
(Alas! although the fact be hid, must have a few odd hours a day more than most people, or they
His visit, like his gloves, was "kid.") must egg'em on in some strange way, so as to extend Friday evening
To judge him from his style of dress into the next morning.
He was a swell, and nothing less,
One of those very nice young men The Home of Tragedy.
Belonging to the Upper Ten." E learn that MADEMOISELLE CORNELIE, an artiste of real merit, is
But, ah! his gentlemanly shows, declaiming the finest passages of RACINE andCoRNEILLE at theEldorado,
Alas! they ended with the clothes, one of the cafds chantants of Paris. The monopolising managers of
In counting him some swell unmatched London may make this a plea against the licensing of music-halls for
I reckoned on my chicks unhatched. dramatic purposes. But their objection will not be valid. The parallel
He came; and then my eggs were addled! of the French case would be the recitation of SHAKESPEARE, and as
He took the hall-clock and skedaddled! SHAKESPEARE is never played in England except as a spectacle, the use
of his dialogue would not injure the English theatres. It is not likely
Musical Mem. that any modern plays will be declaimed at the music halls.
A ScoTCH friend just returned from Paris informs us that Costa has
been directing Naaman there, and that "nae man" could do it A FREE TRANSLATION.-BY ONE WHO HAS LOST A SUIT.
better. DE minimis non curat lex:-"The law does not stick at trifles."
FU NI .-MARoH 23, 1867.
VERY ACTIVE SERVICE.
Glorious Employment for the Troops in Ireland.
"The military are in full pursuit of the Fenians, but have not as yet come up with them."-Vide Reports passim.
MARCH 23, 1867.]
MY NATIVE COT.*
BY A NINETEENTH CENTURY POET.
I HAVE wandered o'er ocean-
Have wandered o'er land-
And my thrilling emotion
You'll all understand,
'When I say I'm returning again to the spot
Where I spent all my childhood, my own native cot!
Oh! not one of the many
Fair lands where I've been
Could reveal to me any-
Thing like this dear scene:
They were lovely, stupendous-but, oh! they were not
Where I spent all my childhood, my own native cot!
Yes; yonder's the village,
And there is the glade
(It is now under tillage)
In which I have played :
And yonder's the spire, it's not altered a jot-
Yet, stay IWhere, oh, where is my own native cot ?
Its garden is thistles!
And there where it rose,
The steam-engine whistles,
The luggage train goes:
Forthe Bubbleton Railway has purchased the lot-,
The line's on the site of my own native cot.!
O'er my cheek there is creeping,
All silent, a tear-
Yet deem not I'm weeping
For scenes once so dear !
'Tis because I reflect on debentures I've got
In.the line that demolished my own native cot.
Putting the Cart before the Horse."
Wb have just come upon a notice of the Professors' Soir6e at
UniverSity College, appearing in the papers last month. It invites to
that feative gathering Old Students of the College, who, in conse-
quence of their addresses not being known, may not have received
carts of-invitation." We are curious to know what was to be conveyed
by the vehicles mentioned. Was the last line of the programme,
"carts may be ordered at half-past eleven?" We congratulate the
professors on this display of their cart-and-horse-pitality.
A Difficult Operation.
AN operation far more difficult than' the removal of the shoulder-
blade has recently been performed in the North-or is about to be
performed there, and the only notice given to the faculty is to be
found in the advertisement inserted by an auctioneer in the Zeeds
Mr. has instructions to remove
A CELLAR of about 127 dozens of WINES from a gentleman in the neighbour-
hood, and will duly advertise particulars when sale will take place.
We have much pleasure in calling the attention of the (risible) faculty
to this interesting case.
"Their You are Again'!
Waiar in the (Christian) World is the editor of that journal about to
make the glaring error to be found in his notice which runs as
The Editor of the Christian World ventures to alk a special personal favour of
every reader of this journal-namely, that each one will purchase and examine
Sthe first number of IIappy Hlours,' and show it to their friends."
Surely he must have been dreaming the 'Happy Hours' away," as the
poet says, when he asked one" to show something to their" friends.
A Question for the Heralds' College.
WE see it mentioned in the Laldy's Own Paper, that slippers may
be purchased worked with the Royal Arms. There is a fitness in all
things, and heraldic blazons were hardly meant for such a purpose.
At any rate, private individuals have no right to the coat armour of
Majesty. Those who have the Royal Arms on a slipper, must not be
surprised if they put their foot in it.
It was stated in a literary journal tIh other day that the present age could
produce no poets because all the thmnes of poetry had been exhausted. I rather
flatter myself I have struck out a new line.-N. C. P.
OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
THOSE who take an interest in caricature and humorous art, will
find much to amuse or, at all events, to employ them in the colleet.ion
of SEvMOUR'S Comic Sketches published by Mi. IOTTEN. SEYMOUR
was one of our early comic draughtsmen, and his proposed series of
pictures representing the doings of an absurd club was the peg on
which the immortal Pickwick Papers hung originally. The style of
the collection under notice is different from that we are accustomed to
nowadays in many respects, and we are hardly inclined to think it
superior-or even equal to it. The drawing is humorous, but the
jokes are sometimes dull, and occasionally vulgar. The book is well
printed and got up. The preface contains some inaccuracies, amongst
which we may point out a passage which states that SBarMOUi illus-
trated HooD's Comic Anumal for 1836, and his Comic Almanacks, of
which latter we never heard before.
MESSRS. ROUTLEDIGE have published a neat collection of The TPoms
of the late N. P. Willis. Good type and paper and a nice cover make
it a presentable volume, and one that should be popular, for WILLIs
had the true poetic instinct. Some of his Scripture stories are very
fine. The same enterprising firm issue also a Ready Reckoner, a very
handy and useful Topographical Directory, and a Tractieal Housekeeper,
besides a very charming little Child's Country Book, with capital
coloured illustrations, a most suitable gift-book. The cheap edition pf
LORD KNEBWORTH'S novels completes the list. If the firm continues o
be as prolific as this, we shall have to invent a now adverb, and say
the seeds of the tree of knowledge are sown "Broadway" instead of
VERSES ADDRESSED TO A "CERTAIN
Wx are friends-but still memories wander
To scenes of the times that are past;
When we were both younger and fonder,
And thought our affection would last.
But Time, with his wide-sweepiag pinions,,
Fanned away thoso sweet visions, and we
Escaped out of Cupid's dominions,
Are friends, and firm friends let us be!
Hearts youthful and warm will be foolish,
And take fancies up for a while,
That when they begin to got coolish,
They look back upon with a smile.
But why, when each feeling discovers,
Our loves may have found their last ends"
When we can no longer be lovers,
O why should we never be friends!
But you, when we parted in anger,
Looked as though we should ne'er speak again !
And I wished you'd been settled at Bangor,,
Okolske, Timbuctoo, or Dumblano:
Or anywhere far enough over
The mountains-the desert-the sea,
To be out of the way of your lover,
That was, but is not,-meaning me!.
You're no longer my fairest and dearest,"
My darling," my own," and all that!
My eyes then were none of the clearest,
Or I shouldn't have licen such a flat!
'Tis true that I loved you sincerely,
But, alas! you see, what could I do,
"lBesoini d'aimer'" ifected me clearly,
And I'd no one Ko love, dear, but you!
And so, my dear,-there! I was going,
I declare now, to pop out your name!
From the nibs of my pen it was flowing !
'Tis however exactly Ihe same.
We are friends no'er the loss, although nameless
As so.r ca pretrcea nil."
So do for these rhymes hold me blameless,
And let us be bons uamis" still!
WEr recommend our young friends who arc anxious to begin the
croquet season to wait a little longer. To venture on lawns in the
present weather would be to commence an unpleasantly creaky"
MOTTO FOR BILLIARD PLAYERIS.-" To the Rest-cue!"
22 F U [MARCH 23, 1867.
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
CONXEINING SOME BORES.
SHE C. P. has devoted some attention to
the discovery of a neat and epigram-
matic classification of the different
descriptions of Bores, and he has
arrived at a conclusion which he hopes
and believes will be considered as
nearly satisfactory as possible. He is
much too good a philosopher to be
guilty of the imprudence of habitually
committing himself to a definition-his
custom is to state his case, and leave it
to his disciples to draw the inference.
In almost every instance of an epi-
grammatic definition which has come
under his notice, he has found that its
ad captandum crispness is almost the
only quality to recommend it. Take
\ the case of the late Mu. THACKERAY'S
definition of a Snob-one who meanly
imitates mean things. This is admir-
able in its way; but does it go far
enough? Is not he also a Snob who
meanly imitates things that are not
mean? Is not even he a Snob who
grandly imitates grand things ? Is not
an imitator of every description a Snob, in one sense of the word ?
The C. P. has intentionally taken as an illustration one of the best
pieces of epigram ever penned, by (the C. P. ventures to think) the
most accomplished master of epigram of the century, because when the
0. P. does express an opinion, he sticks to it like wax, and does not
allow any consideration whatever to overawe him in doing so.
Notwithstanding that the impossibility of framing an unimpeachable
epigrammatic definition is fully before his eyes, yet, being this morn-
ing in a rather reckless mood, and being in the habit of purposely
allowing himself to be influenced by the mood in which he finds him-
self when he writes these papers, he goes the following cropper:-
Bores are of four kinds:-
1. Those who neither amuse nor instruct.
2. Those who amuse without instructing.
3. Those who instruct without amusing.
4. Those who profess to combine amusement with instruction.
It will be objected that these four classes comprehend every intel-
lectual and unintellectual variety of the human race, and that the
inference that the C. P. wishes his readers to draw is, that All Men
are Bores. But this is not so. A careful analysis of the four different
heads under which the philosopher has classified the genus Bore, will
satisfy the discriminating reader that one very important class has
been excluded-those who unintentionally combine instruction with
amusement. The C. P. will not enter at greater length into the
matter, for fear that his definitions should, on closer inspection, meet
the fate of all other definitions, and prove to be utterly untenable.
He throws them out
for the consideration
of his disciples, to be
taken for what they
Here is a specimen
of a loafing Bore who
is to be met in great
force about this time,
in the studios of in-
tending Royal Aca-
demy exhibitors. He
has no ostensible oc-
cupation of his own, /
and the object of his h
life appears to be to
interfere with every-
body who has. He
talks very loudly
about matters that
he don't understand,
and expresses a great
contempt for the
technical expressions .
in which artists are
in the habit of cloth- -
ing their ideas. He is a man whom you can't possibly insult-if you
could, he would have ceased to haunt studios ages ago. He rummages
among your life studies, brushes his
coat over your colours, expectorates over s
your parquet flooring, chaffs your models,
criticises your work in a strain of
offensive candour, pokes at you, after
the manner of a fencer, with his cane,
leaving you to defend yourself with your
maulstick, and generally plays the very
deuce with everything. The C. P. has
said that he is a man you can't insult,
but a little judicious tact will rid you of
him, nevertheless. The C. P. remembers
once being bored with one of these
nuisances, who being in the habit of
keeping it up late every night, was
usually extremely sleepy by the time
that he paid the C. P. his customary
visit at three in the afternoon. He spat,
and stretched himself, and yawned about
the place in a manner which irritated',
the philosopher beyond all bounds. i'i' \ I.
(Nothing, by the way, is so grossly 4_ .
irritating to a busy man as to see a ,
sopher caught his Bore in the attitude '
represented in the margin, and ex-
claimed, "My dear fellow, just keep that pose for five-and-twenty
minutes, while I sketch it-it's the very thing for The Awakening
of Rip Van Winkle.' He stood to the C. P. (for most Bores
are good-natured in their way), and the philosopher
has never seen him since.
Here is a blatant political Bore, who will hold
forth, hour after hour, on matters which wouldn't
possess the smallest earthly interest for any living
soul, if Loan DEcBY or Mn. GLADSTONE were to
undertake their exposition. A peculiarity of this
shallow-pated nuisance is, that in the course of his
arguments he contrives to convert and pervert him-
self over and over again. He will start with a pro-
position, and talk it over in his slip-slop way until
he convinces himself that his original view was
utterly wrong, and goes on to defend his new con-
viction until he ends by returning to the opinion
with which he started. He is a literary critic in
his way; that is to say, he reads the reviews on
new books, and expresses, as his own, the opinions
he derives from them although he was never
known to read a book through in his life. He
has ready-made views on every subject you
like to start, and don't hesitate to express
them, as though they were the result of the
study of a lifetime. He has a profound con- 3
tempt for everything that is amusing, and an
equally profound admiration for everything that
is solidly dull.
Here are two very opposite forms of Bores. The one on the left is
a statistican, with a devout belief in per-centages, and an utter con-
tempt for units. He is always on the look-out to nail somebody who
will weakly listen to him-and when he has got
him, he will pour into his unhappy victim's ear such
a tirade of decimals as will have the effect of con-
vincing him of the truth of any proposition his
tormentor chooses to
start. It is impossible
to beat him in argu-
ment-he has figures
for everything in his
red, shining, knobby
skull you might as
well attempt to punch
the head of a knight in
complete armour. The
other, on the right, is
one of those amiable
young fools who haunt
stage-doors and theatri-
cal taverns, and who
are the pride and glory
of small actors, and the
unspeakable pest of
%. great ones. He is very
'S harmless in his way, 3
MAR H 23, 1867.]
and when he has dined with a clown he will be happy. It is, after
all, but a moderate ambition, and one that is really not difficult of
Here, is one of those unmitigated old nuisances who are sent into
the world to travel in railway carriages with the 0. P. whenever a
stem fate decrees that that philo-
sopher shall go out of town. This
fearful old gentlemen haunts the
C. P. wherever he goes, and he sup- f
poses that it will be so until the
philosopher is in a position to hire a
special train to himself whenever he '
runs down to the sea-side-a state
of things which is, at present, only
dimly shadowed forth. The travel-
ling Bore will always have the
windows up-can quote all the pre-
cedents on Smoking in Railway
Carriages-insist on foot-warmers in / / \
the middle of July-directs your //
attention to the impropriety of rest- (
ing your legs on the opposite seat-
snores-argues with the guard-
writes about you "to the 7Times on : _
the smallest provocation, and "
generally makes himself such a
nuisance, particularly on the L. B. and S. C. railway, that the C. P.
has come to the conclusion that he is a creature in the pay of the pro-
prieters of the Brighton four-horse coach, whose mission is to dis-
courage railway travelling.
The 0. P. is seldom reduced to the necessity of going to the stage
for specimens of the men he meets, because the people he sees there
are, as a rule, wholly unlike those he meets anywhere else. But he
ventures to think that he will have to go a long way before he will
come across so admirable a specimen of the loquacious, self-satisfied,
good-humouredly opinionated Bore, who, with a superficial air of being
unmistakably right, is invariably wrong, as that embodied in MB.
HARE'S Fluker, in the very excellent drama, One Hundred Thou-
sand Pounds. It does not come within the C. P.'s province to dilate
upon this gentleman's abilities as a marvellous character actor, but he
may venture to take Mr. Fluker and put him into an initial letter,
as a specimen of a man he meets a great deal too often in private
life, and not half often enough upon the stage.
THsE tell me not ofthe joys of Sleep,
Or sing of the rosy chains that bind him,
When MOPRHEus close to your side does creep,
A troublesome, worryingrogue you'll find him ;
From the earliest days I can safely speak
Of bothers he's flung on my trusting shoulders,,
Repetition-at school-of a page of Greek,
And at college a rowing from DR. MOULDERs,
He has given me tastes of the governor's cane,
For being too late at the breakfast table;
For his sake I have suffered in catching a train,
From running faster than I was able.
This is all very well, but I hardly care
To utter by far his most mischievous function;
We've met in a carriage at Euston-square,
And parted in sidings at Mugby Junction.
Be this as it may, I can claim his aid -? '
When at night in a theatre's stalls I'm sitting,
And fail to catch one syllable said
By an actor, the ears of the groundlings splitting.
He's all very well in a cosy pew-
(They tell me in church I'm a terrible sinner)-
And not a bad friend, twixtt me and you,
When he comes surreptitiously after dinner.
But what do you think of this rascal, Sleep-
To Acheron shall he be sent or Hades ?-
For visiting me-oh it was so deep!-
In a room full of pretty, designing ladies.
A hawk is nought in a cage of doves,
It's vain to struggle when fates outnumber,
For I find that a packet of WHEELEIr'S gloves,
Will have to be paid for that moment's slumber.
THE LATEST FROM PALL MALL.
M rTTo 7on Sm J. PAKINGTON.-" Dies et men Droitwich."
A DEFINITE GRIEVANCE.
WAs that the place ? I quite forget;
At least, I have my doubts.
Perhaps the spot on which we met
Was there, or thereabouts.
I cannot call the phrase to mind ;
And yet I recollect
He did say something of the kind,
Or words to that effect.
I owned that it was very sad;
I pitied his distress,
And lent him all the cash I had-
A little more or less.
Of course-it may be-I was rash ;
For when a party lends
Another party any cash,
You see-it all depends.
"Under the Sea."
Mr. BAZIN has carried focus-pocus to an extent hitherto unrivalled.
He has been taking photos of the bed of the ocean, descending for that
purpose in a strong, air-tight, sheet-iron case, and remaining under
water for ten minutes:-
"Under the sea, under the sea,
He like a bird uses photographer,
Under the sea, under the sea!
Isn't it coming it strong F"
So says the bard. We may perhaps be pardoned, considering the
inclemency of the weather and the prevalence of influenza, if we
add that we consider the feat "a-Bazin'."
[We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are aceom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
MosEs sends us a drawing of Old Jones preparing for another twenty
miles," by blowing down his horse's throat with a pair of bellows. Surely
the signature should have been AARON.
M. D., who has doubts of the originality of his joke, is assured it is his
by prescription, but M. D. has not made it up properly.
SCALE SLIME.-Don't try to be fanny, and don t invent words like
P. McL.-We cannot understand the point of your contributions.
A LAND'S-BNDER'S joke is not of the first water.
GAM M GURTON.-The nursery rhyme is but so-so, like your needle.
"A SUBnCRIBER" evidently wishes to be also an adventurer-for
H. E. V. D.-If you must know, we don't think much of the lines. We
don't know what "assuaging a bitter pill" is,-do you?
G. W. sends us a "little poem" of over twenty verses! But-stop;
perhaps the adjective refers to quality not quantity.
FELIX must not be infelix because FELIX isn't in.
THE FLOODS won't go down.
BUTCHER.-" The times are out of joint "-it's too late for jokes about
the Cattle Show.
A LUNAR CORRESPONDENT is rather too moony for up.
A. H.-The lines If we'll only try" have been tried by us, and
JACEKAY may be transported at his Botany Bay." We are not.
E., Valencia.-We are truly sorry for you.
,. H. T., Bath.-Not of the slightest use.
NELSON STATUE must be content with his own column and not want to
figure in ours.
H. G. T., Tavistock, need not be in such terror about the disgrace of tho
joke he forwards. It is not his joke, so he need not be ashamed.
J. W., Stoney Batter.-Do you not desire that you may obtain. it?
H. M., Leeds.-But we don't follow his meaning.
TAO-szE.-Your derivation is a little too far-fetched.
MEDICUS JuNIOR won't be called in by us, we fancy.
JEANIE Uss is calculated to gyner us.
E. D., Bolton.-Joke too local in character.
Declined with thanks-D. D.; C. S., Westminster; R. M.; R. A. F.;
Ginger; Littleton Tivy; Quartale; Cecil; F. A.; T. X. L., Aberdeen;
J. W., 17th Lancers; W. S., Pimlico; C. L. K.; W. Watery, Crick;
Tommy Traddles; M. M. B.; J. H.; H. W. B.; F. F., Kingston; H. G.,
East India-road; C. E. M., Shepherd's-bush ; G. E. P.; Ethel; E. C. S.;
J. A. C., Junior Athenmum; J. W. H.; Jig; HI. W. W.; F. M., Read-
ing; W. A., Bread-street-hill; W. G., Coventry; S. E., Luton; C. C. K.,
Worcester; P. S. S.; G. T. II., Shiffnal; Grymalkyn; H. B., Dublin;
R. B. F., Glasgow; M. I. S.; A. C. H. L., Hastings; Davy Mac,
Dundee; A Teaser; J G., College-street; Galen; P. W.; P. M.;
H. S. C.; T. E. A. C. Il. L. E. H.; H. F. W.; Shallow.
[MAoRC 23, 1867.
FREE EXHIBITIONS OF LONDON:-BOW STREET.
THIS interesting place of entertainment is situated in the immediate
neighbourhood of the New Opera House and Old Drury. The pro-
pinquity of Covent-garden lends it an air of rural innocence, which is
slightly counterbalanced by the close contiguity of the purlieus of
Drury-lane. The dimensions of the Bow-street Police Court, com-
pared with the accommodation of the two theatres just named, might
be styled small. But a paternal Government when arranging this
place of amusement, probably took into consideration very wisely that
as the exhibition would be a free one, it would seldom be overcrowded.
The auditorium is calculated to contain comfortably-as far as we could
ascertain from the courteous usher and the acute members of the Force
connected with it, who kindly gave us the fullest statistics-exactly
about twice as many as double the moiety of the sum total; especially
as there are no seats, and there is therefore plenty of standing room.
As standing is rather fatiguing work, our reader, if he visits the court,
will do well to obtain admittance to some other part than the audito-
rium, there being numbers of seats in the other divisions. There are
two ways of obtaining admittance. He can either pick a pocket or
assault a constable, or he can ask for some one connected with the
court in some capacity or other. The latter method is perhaps the
preferable of the two, as the attendant constables are more affable
under the circumstances. Besides, the former mode of proceeding may
lead to an interview with the worthy magistrate, which may result in
a free admission to some other place of entertainment, liberally pro-
vided by a paternal Government; and although a glimpse of the
interior of a prison may be interesting, the place is apt to pall slightly
when one is monotonously confined to it for six months or more with-
out the option of a fine.
The class of entertainment provided at Bow-street can hardly be
said to be of a theatrical character, for as a rule it abounds in interest,
is furnished with dialogue of a brisk and picturesque-sometimes too
picturesque-nature, and is frequently amusing; so that it does not
clash much with the general run of plays produced in the present day.
The ruffish swell, sometimes attired in evening costume, and well
known to a Marlborough-street audience, seldom figures at Bow-street.
Intoxication does not present itself in so refined a form here. It is
represented by MR. DENNIS or PATRICK O'SOMETHINO, who has been
stimulated by drink to get up a free fight in his alley, or to beat his
wife and a few policemen. Or its exponent is a gigantic fellow, show-
ing the torso of a dirty HERCULES through the rents of a shirt so tat-
tered that it is a wonder it holds together at all. He has been induced
to take a part in the Bow-street entertainment, because having been
refused a penn'orth of beer at a public house, he demolished a sheet of
plate-glass, and then, running to a neighboring cabstand, took a
horse by its forelegs and set its hoofs on his shoulders (a fact) Like
all people of genius, he is so modest that it required the persuasive
powers of four policemen to prevail on him to appear in public.
The near neighbourhood of Covent-garden is productive of variety
in the entertainments produced. Mas. POMONA O'FLAHBRTY, who
sells apples, having fallen out with Miss FLORA O'RAFFERTY, who
vends flowers, has flown at that lady, torn her bonnet, and aspersed
her character. Miss FLORA is loud in her desire that Mas. O'F.
should "prove her words "-meaning, of course (the lady is Irish),
exactly the reverse-i.e., show her inability to prove her words. Mas.
O'F. is discursive and aggressive, and the dialogue would (if it passed
the Lord Chamberlain) make the fortune-or otherwise-of a drama-
tist in these realistic days.
The visitor to Bow-street Court may study science as well as
character. He will learn that flat-irons are a very transitory property
on account of the peculiar readiness with which they are convertible
into gin. Our artist has selected for his picture a subject of this class.
The highly respectable female in the dock has swallowed two flat-irons
-in a liquid form-the said flat-irons unfortunately belonging to a
neighbour, mother of the small boy whose head scarcely shows over
the witness-box, and who is chief witness against the scientific lady.
The dresses at this place of entertainment are, as a rule, effective,
and may owe some of their inspiration to MR. S. MAY, the well-
known costumier, whose shop is hard by. The mise en schne is simple,
not to say plain, and does not seem to owe its inspiration to the
neighboring theatres so much as to the Adelphi.
A visit to Bow-street-in the capacity of a spectator-will well
repay any man, if only because it is calculated to make him contented
with his own mode of life, for he is sure to go away blessing his stars
that he is not a police magistrate.
NOTICE.-Now ready, the Eleventh Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being
THE FOURTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 61. each.
London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
March 23, 1867.
MAROH 30, 1867.]
I -- --
. -- ij 7 I li'';' '. '
y ,- ..!;- -li J _. --j .
3,1' "f:l'. "-
/ *,;~ .1
"There is no truth in the statement that Mr. BnnRSFORIa lorti:
is to be raised to the peerage with the title of LORD BEmnErUVY."
BEXUTIPUL BERESPORD HOPE, they said,
DERBY the Earl would make a peer;
This, is a coronet-that, his head-
Joining the two would be rather queer;
Filling the Lords with wonder mild.
Little would yet be changed, I think,
Of the sudden start and the gesture wild,
And the comic voice, and the playful wink!
Is it too soon, then, BERESFORD HorE ?
What, the title was clear in view,
And the Aorning Post, in your horoscope,
Seemed to imply the news was true;-
And just because you preferred to sit
For the pottery town of Stoke-on-Tront, .
In the House of Commons to show your wit,
You turned aside from the offer sent ?
No-the time will come-at last it will-
When, BERESFORD HOPE, what use, they will say,
Are you in a House, where you won't sit still,
And will got into CAVENDISH BENTINCK'S way ?
Why you shun the Peerage I can't divine,
If a coronet still awaits your head,
And when you might do so much, in fine,
In the new House come in the old one's stead .
Was it the title that made you shy ?
BEDaEnrwb isn't a pretty name,
But you'd find it pleasant when, by-and-bye,
From the Saturday's lips of love it came !
In the House of Lords there are scanty cares,
Little of labour and much of state,
And often the Chancellor, unawares,
Dozes away through a dull debate.
Swell Commercial (who travels in the hardware") :-" HERB, WAITERt!
WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ? "
Waiter :-" FISH, SIR; SOLE, SIR."
Swell Commercial:-" OH! I THOUGHT YOU'D COOKED ONE OF MY
SAMPLE PACKETS OF NEEDLES BY MISTAKE !"
You have lived, we will say, so many years-
So many days boon abused in the Times-
Greeted so often with dubious cheers-
Chaffed so often in Cockney rhymes;-
Yet one thing, one, in your mind's full scope,
That you still refuse, Sir, puzzles me:-
If you won't be a peer, then, BE ESFom lLoDuPE,
What on earth do you want to be ?
THE BILL No ONE WILL HONOUR.-A sham Reform
FROM OUR STALL.
MORE mines and miners! MR. WATTS PHILLIPS'8 l8st in London0
drags us again into the bowels of the earth on an expedition in search
of the picturesque. However, the drama was manufactured so long
ago-as the announcements took very good care to tell us-that no-
body can accuse Ma. PHILLIPS of putting forward a second-hand
sensation. The greatest fault of this piece (and of most pieces nowa-
days) lies in the comparative weakness of the last act. The situation
at the close of the preceding one is highly effective, and the remainder
of the play comes as an anti-climax. There is a heroine to be disposed
of, and there is a low-comedy couple to be married. Of course, the
heroine dies, according to the infallible remedy prescribed by DR.
GOLDSMITH for cases in which lovely woman stoops to folly. She
might as well have died at the end of the second act; in the second
act, also, the low-comedy people might easily have been made man and
wife. What the drama requires-or did require on the night of its
production-is a good deal of judicious carving with a large knife and
fork. The writing of Lost in London is full of cleverness; Ma. WATTS
PHILLIPS never disappoints us in the quality of his dialogue. Here
and there, perhaps, the slightest possible tendency towards clap-trap
may be discovered ; but, after all, the folks in the gallery pay their shil-
lings, and most of the miserable critics are on the free list. The piece is
well acted, especially in the parts given to MR. HENRY NEVILLE, MR.
TOOLE, and MRS. MELLON. MR. ASHLEY shall be included if he will
only promise to leave off singing, and playing on the pianoforte. To
betray a confiding woman is wicked enough, in all conscience; to
make her listen to your songs (if you happen to sing like-some people)
is to add insult to injury. The drama has been well put on the stage;
in fact, the scenery surpasses anything that we have seen at the Adelphi
lately. This may look like extravagant praise to people who never
visit the Adelphi.
MR. AND MRS. GERMAN REED have produced a new entertainment
by Mu. ROBERTSON, entitled a Dream in Venice. The Dream itself is
good, but the introduction is a little tedious, as must always be the
case where the author has at any cost to provide character illustra-
tions" for the performers. It appears to be a sine qud non at the Gallery
of Illustration that all entertainments should open with Ml. and
Mas. GERMAN REED travelling in search of novelty; and Ml. ROBERT-
soN has adhered to the harmless fiction, turning it, indeed, to good
account in the nightmare (or night-gondola, or whatever the equivalent
may be in a city where there is nothing equine) under which MAi. REED
labours. The scenery is really magnificent. Ma. O'CONNOR, of the
Haymarket, has seldom been seen to better advantage, while Mn.
TELBIN, perhaps, surpasses all his former successes with a view of the
Piazza of Saint Mark. JOHN PARRY, inimitable .JoHN PARRY, winds
up the treat with The Wedding Breakfast at .3rs. loseleaf's-ono of
those things of which we can never tire.
The Times are out of Joint."
THERE'S no accounting for tastes! A young lady, in particular,
must be permitted to have odd fancies. Here's an instance:-
A YOUNG LADY is desirous of an ENGAGEMENT as Book-keeper in a butcher's
bu4aness.-Apply by letter, etc.
We must own that it rather takes our breath away to read this. A
YOUNG LADY quite so, bless her-" is desirous of an ENOAOEMENT "-
exactly, and matrimonial, of course-but no! an engagement as book-
keeper to a butcher. We should as soon expect to hear of a duchess
wanting to turn dairymaid, or of a countess who would be a cheese-
monger. A butcher's business is not exactly a pleasant employment
for a refined and delicate mind, and we cannot conceive the reason for
such a choice; unless, indeed, the young lady was on the look out for a
[M&RCH 30, 186M.
PY THE SATU-TERER IN SOCIETY.
\ OW furious the Em-
SEROR must be to
think his Exhibition
is so terribly behind
hand! There is not
a the slightest hope of
its being in anything
like proper trim by
the first of April_-a
day which was an
ominous one to fix
on, to begin with,
and which is really
too early in the year.
Winter has lingered
in Paris as well as
with us, and East
winds have a de-
pressing effect upon
ceremonies, so the
opening is likely to
be a little dismal.
People wont hurry
over, especially as it
is notorious that not
half the goods will
be exhibited for some
weeks to come.
Everybody seems to
agree that the build-
ing is the reverse of
lovely : a. friend,
writing from Paris,
says it is the most
hideous thing he ever
saw. He adds: "I
always like to retail
Paris is beginning
to swarm with the
'snob vulgaris of
S Great Britain,' who
_-. ....... behaves abominably
at the restaurants,
and, in fact, everywhere." This is a pleasant reflection for English-
M Wi.xiNsoNr, who is now a prisoner in Newgate, and has a sen-
tence of five years penal servitude to work out, for embezzling two
cheques of the Joint-Stock Discount Company, has preferred a petition
for a free pardon. MR. WALPOLE has declined to consider it. I have
looked it over, but, not being a lawyer, or an accountant, can say no
more than there appears to me to be some ground for a re-investiga-
tion of the case. Managing directors" have been in bad odium of
late, and it is not impossible-I won't venture to say more than that,
as I confess I do not know enough of the matter to give a decided
opinion-that the petitioner has fallen a victim to that least defensible
form of "justice," the wish to "make an example."
TALXING of examples, I am reminded that Smi MonRTON PETo has
asserted himhnself-in the papers-as the coming man who is to solve
the great L. C. & D. R. question, and I have no doubt he could supply
much interesting information on the subject. If he cannot, it is diffi-
cult to see who can; so that one must look forward to the time when
he thinks fit to carry out the rather Quixotic programme he laid down
in his letter the other day. After all, it is not every man who would
originate a motion that is practically a motion for his own tarring and
feathering, unless he fools quite sure that he shall turn out an angel
after the operation.
AnouT this time the studios are besieged by visitors, for in a few
days the Royal Academy will open its doors for the pictures to be ex-
hibited in May. I hear that there are some long-promised pictures
under way in many studios. In another week I hope to be able to
speak more certainly on the subject. In the meantime Iain in a posi-
tion to congratulate the public on the fact that the Society of British
Artists have a collection of paintings this year that will clear the fame
of Suffolk-street from the not-undeserved censure that has been be-
stowed on it in past years. I am unfeignedly glad to see the society
putting out, its strength for it has the power, if it will but exert it, to
become a formidable rivald to Trafalgar-square-and rivalry will be
a mutual benefit.
THE decision of the Lords Justices in the cases of MAXWELL
v. HOGG and HoGG v. MAXWELL, on the vexed question of the copy-
right in the title of Belgravia is eminently unsatisfactory. It lays
down the rule that the exclusive right to a title for a periodical is not
to be obtained either by registration or by advertisement followed
within a reasonable time by publication. In order to acquire an ex-
clusive right, the publisher must give something tangible to the public
-in other words must bring out his first number before he can adver-
tise, or else unprincipled persons may forestall him. This is clearly
unfair, for much depends on a title, and still more depends on the
amount of advertising before publication. The whole system of regis-
tration under this decision is simply a sham, by which a man is com-
pelled to pay money for a protection which is uttety valueless. The
whole of the law on the point needs revision; and the worst of it is
that the public gains nothing by its present laxity. Where the public
gains, it does not so much matter if an individual suffers; but in this
case the difficulty of establishing a property in the name of a new
magazine is of no earthly use to the public, for the market is so over-
stocked that nobody would care to pick up the scheme of another
monthly even at the low price of 0 Os. Od.
THERE is a very violent opposition to the proposed measure for
Metropolitan Improvements. It is to be regretted, for there is plenty
of room for improvement, and as improvements are not made for
nothing, the grumblers must expect to be taxed for them. The passage
of the City is almost as difficult as the ascent of the Matterhorn, and
the muddle and danger of our streets constitute a sound reason for
THE "Lounger at the Clubs of the Illustrated Times very properly
condemns a recently-published volume, Betsy J. Ward, Hur Book of
Goaks." It is a very feeble plagiarism of poor ARTEMUS'S style, and
is prefaced by a pretended letter from him. Its publication just at the
time of his death was, of course, an accident, but it ought never to have
been brought out at all. I can't help thinking that the respectable
firm that issues it has been prevailed on to do so for some of those
who brought out author's own editions of WAnD's books-for
which he never got a penny. The get-up and appearance of the book
reminds one of those "special" editions. It is utter rubbish, without
a redeeming line in it, and all I can say is, I hope it is American.
THEY never bring my Times at morn
The moment that it comes,
My Chastelard, I see, is torn,
My BROWNING 's black with thumbs,
Some notes on SHAKESPEARE I have seen
Beneath its paper cover,
And MoxoN's poets, bound in green,
Are smirched and scribbled over.
And serial and magazine
For weeks and weeks are never seen,
And often not at all.
I'm answered when I make a row
In injured tone or wary;
But listen-I've discovered now-
My housemaid's literary !
Why Not P
WE are given to understand that it is the intention of the celebrated
MR. CASELEY (alias COUNSELLoR KELLY"), in the event of his obtaining
his release from prison and being subsequently elected a member of
the House of Commons, to move for a Parliamentary inquiry into the
affairs connected with the great watch and jewel robbery. He is
anxious for the fullest investigation; and he would only delay taking
such a course partly from the expectation that an opportunity might
arise in reference to discussion on kindred subjects, such as railway
matters, and partly from a disinclination to interfere with the more
important questions which might otherwise engage the attention of the
House. At the earliest convenient season, however, he will at once
place a notice on the table of the House, which he hopes will lead to a
full inquiry into the whole subject. We have some reason to believe
that it is the intention of Ma. CASELEY to offer himself as a candidate
for the representation of Bristol. We should greatly regret such a
step on his part, as its inevitable tendency would be to divide the
As Like as Two Peas.
WHEn are green peas like quadrilles al fresco ?-When they are the
first set in a garden.
MAROH 30, 1867.]
NIOHOLAn ON THE POETS AND ON FUTURE EVENTS.
"At length they chaunst to meet upon the way
An Aged Sire, in long blacke weedes yclad,
His feet all bare, his beard all hoarie gray,
And by his belt his Book he hanging had;
Sober he seemde" ....
Bpenser. The Faery Queene, Book I. Canto 1, Stanza xxix.
eight well, Sir Knight, ye have advised bin,'
Quoth then that Aged Man.' The way to win
Is wisely to advise.' "
Speoser. The Faery Queene, Book L Canto 1, Stanza xxxiii.
MY DEAR TOUNG FRIEND,-I have recently been remonstrating with
my Gentleman of the Press, and telling him as he must make his
quotations longer, he not giving enough for the money. You will see
he have taken the hint. Of course, as to style and so forth, I trust
entirely to him, NIeHOLAS not having been precisely brought up to
the littery profession; and he says as it is all right and no flies. The
Prophet, however, feels bound to say, as a plain man-not as I am a
bit plainer than other people at my period, and perhaps even less so-
that his littery man's selections do not strike him as altogether compli-
mentary to NICHOLAS, nor yet do I think much of the ability displayed
by his friends the Authors, so far as they have yet gone; but no
doubt they may improve with practice, as I have done myself. At
any rate, the gentleman from whom he has procured a couple of
mottoes for the present week, seems to have peculiar notions of his own
with regard to author-graphy; but if MEssRs. JUDD AND GLASS like
to print it as it stands, of course they are free to do so, only perhaps
in future they will be less captious with regard to mine; and that's a
hint for yourself also, my dear young Friend. But, let him spell as he
may, NICHOLAs will not in silence allow either the Poet or any other
man to say as I go about with My feet all bare, my beard all hoarie
gray." It is false, Sir-false. I may have been down at heel in the
course of a vicissitudinary life, and many is the time when my poor
old boots let the water through, but am now as well shod as any lord
in the land, bar none, and than whom I am sure I might appeal to
many of their number to whom I am well-known, and no doubt equally
trusted, to assert, that so far from my beard being all hoarie gray,"
as he chooses to spell it, I am as clean-shaven an old gentleman for my
period as what you will find in the whole neighbourhood; and more
so than many of the elderly aristocracy, which have let it grow until
they look for all the world like a lot of superior animated he-goats.
And as to my "long black weedes," it is probably only envy on the
part of the Poet, he not being able to afford such, and very likely
smoking of a short clay-not that Poverty is a crime, but it is,
at any rate, no excuse for sneering at your betters, especially when
they have worked hard and honest by night, and also day, in climbing
of that opulent Pinnacle from which I am now enabled to look
down with scorn upon the remarks of the detractorial and the indi-
Nor is it true, Sir, where he says that I keep my Book hanging
from my belt. For, in the first place, he is indelicate to allude to my
belt at all, NICHOLAS only wearing it because advised to do so by my
medical man; and in the second place, I always carry it in my breast-
poeket, like any other gentleman. And I dare say this "Poet" would
be jolly glad if his "Books" stood half as well; but he will never
make them do so by vulgar abuse of the aged and respectable, and
coarse allusions to their physical peculiarities and infirmities. As
to the line that follows, Sober he seemde," I cannot call it a
gratuitous insult, for if I have not paid him, I have paid his friend,
my Littery Man, and I dare say as they go shares. But I will tell
him, Sir, that I not only "seemde sober, but I "wos sober,-as I
suppose he would spell it,-and am so still; and if he or his friend
imagines that because I am fond of a social glass I will allow myself
to be publicly insulted in your columns, why,perhaps the mistake will
be found out when application is made for payment by this precious
Gentleman of the Press-and it is more than probable that NICHOLAS
will be found out" upon the same occasion.
His other motto, Sir-though still rather illiterative, for you will
see he puts "bin" where he means been "-but I dare say he was
thinking of it with a i-" meaning where I keep my sherry-wine-
is much more respectful, and represents me as talking to one of the
Aristocracy, which is quite correct, and exhibits me in a pleasing light
before the public.
And now, Sir, for matters more purely Sportive. The Prophet, as
you are aware, is not a fool; so he have kept at home a good deal
during the, severe weather, over a social glass ; but will give you a long
shot or two from what I hear.
For the Two THOUSAND I am still in favour of PLAUDIT, for the
CHESTER Cur, whilst advising you to look out for PRosERPINE, I am
not yet induced to desert LECTURER; and for the DERBY, do not be
afraid, my friends, to continue laying against THE RAXE.
With regard to the University Boat Race, I have had a vision. It
will be won, this year, by Cambridge. I am sorry for ye, ye gallant
young Oxtabs; but ye must remember as it is long since the anm-
tabonians have had a turn.
WHERE the sunlight never falls,
Save on faces pale and worn,
Where the dark and frowning walls
Hide the splendour of the morn,
There he toils from dawn of day,
Till the sunset clouds are red,
With no thought of idle play
To distract his honest head.
"In vain, in vain, in Tain,
You will never come again :"
So the post's deathless strain
Spoke of her and aR his pain.
He comes home with the milk, and needs no candle,
And has some trovbae with the street-deor handed:
The miser guards it with exceeding care,
And holds it of all earthly sights most fair.
Venetian people loved the notes so wall
That in the courts of justice there, the swell
Of murmured music oft arose; and here
Its melodies are sweet to every ear.
It stands 'mid ripples of the lake
That dancing near it come to shake
The tall head, as it sways and bends,
And with each zephyr's weight descends.
It's perfectly placid,
Till riled by an acid.
He tell ; us tales of ancient glories,
And-in two senses-oft they're stories.
AwswEn TO AcnOSTIe'NO. 1.
M Mac 0
A Allah H
I Ichthyosauri I
D Dog G
E Emerson N
N Novello 0
S Satin N
CORsECT SOLrreINs or AcROSTIC Ix No. 96, RECEIVED 20Tn: MAnEC.-H. B. B.;
K P. P ; Bumblepuppy; Warley; Lizzy; A Quartette; Llneolnii'-li;
J. W.; Lambkin; Weston's; The House of Lords; Constance and Emma; Canning
Place; Bull-pup; Sheernasty; F. A. L., Chelsea.
"A Loan.-I did it, Boy!"
A vsET valuable addition to the Loan Exhibition at South Ken-
sington will shortly be made by a gentleman who wishes his name to
remain unknown-for obvious reasons. This extraordinary collection
consists of umbrellas which he has borrowed and never returned, and
we have reason to believe it is one of the largest loan collections in
the United Gingham-we beg pardon, we mean Kingdom.
WHILE the present inclement weather lasts, all out-door operations
must, of course, be suspended, but you can cultivate your manners
in-doors. You can't do anything to your fruit-trees, but by taking
a season-ticket on the nearest line, you can indulge in any amount of
training. German stocks can't be planted till it is warmer, but Lon-
don, Chatham, and Dover stock may be looked after. It ought to be
coming up now, for it has gone down long enough. It doesn't thrive
[MARCH 30, 1867.
DOWN UPON HIM.
Doctor (to second horseman):-" MASTER MUCH HURT, JOHN P "
John :-"'URT HIS LEG, SIR. MR. GEORGE'S '088 JUMPED ON IT WHEN HE WAS DOWN. LucKY IT WEREN'T HIS 'ED, sIn!"
doctorr :-" AH! (sotto voce.) NOT SO SURE OF THAT-HEAD MIGHT HAVE STOOD IT BETTER."
Bull in Ireland.
IF the Fenian rising has done nothing else, it has, at all events, made
the Saxons who have been sent over as special reporters for the
London papers, more Irish than the Irish themselves. We have
noted down a few instances in which "our own correspondent" has
proved how readily he becomes habituated to the customs of a country.
In one case, speaking of the railways in Ireland, our 0. C." speaks as
"The company very prudently take the precaution of sending a pilot engine a
quarter of an hour in advance of these night mails, so that in case a rail had been
lifted or an obstruction placed on the road, the mail could be stopped in time, that
is to say, supposing that the driver and stoker of the pilot engine were not both
killed, as would very likely be the case, when their engine ran off the line. How-
ever, it is the only step that the company have it in their power to take to ensure
the safety of their passengers, and it is one which at any rate adds greatly to the
feeling of security and comfort of night travelling in a disturbed district."
It's odd that one's comfort should be enhanced by the probability that
the driver and stoker of a pilot-engine have been smashed, and that
one's security is increased because it is very likely that, in consequence,
they cannot do anything to prevent an accident.
But on reaching Dublin, our friend becomes even more Hibernian:-
The Fenian prisoners occupy a block of buildings separate from ordinary
offenders. There are at present about forty confined in the gaol; the chief amongst
them-a man whose name, I think, is Meany, who held a commission in the Federal
army, is supposed to have been one of the chief centres, and was sent the other day
We should have thought no one but an Emerald Islander, born and
bred, would have been able to perceive that the chief amongst the forty
prisoners at present confined in the gaol is a man who is not there at
A Won wITH ICONOCLAST CONCERNING HIS SPEECHES IN TRA-
FALGAR-sQUARE.-Mob-Law's bad: Bradlaugh's worse!
THE KING OF THE APRIL.
BY ALFRED 10, HIS SON.
IP you're waking get up early-get up early, brother dear,
For Monday will be the trying day of all the glad new year,
Of all the glad new year, brother! the maddest every way-
For that will be All Fool's Day, rather !-that will be All Fool's Day.
Last April some young friend of ours contrived my nous to bilk-
He sent me out to buy for him a pint of pigeon's milk;
A pint of pigeon's milk, brother, and strap-oil, too (I say,
For the latter you'd best not ask, brother-not ask upon All Fool's
Wide awake be! Get up early-get up early, brother dear,
On Monday next, as ever is "-for that is the time of the year
When they play all sorts of reckless tricks in a truly cruel way,
Because it is All Fool's Day, brother-because it is All Fool's Day!
THE Daily Telegraph last week contained an advertisement that a
little puzzled us:-
MT LITERARY MEN.-A LADY, accustomed to give poetic readings, SEEKS
-- ASSISTANCE, and choice of manuscripts and talent.-Address, American
We are curious to ascertain the nature of the assistance needed. Was
it of a temporary and pecuniary nature, in the shape of a few dollars,
to be loaned for a few days; or was it the aid of a pair of lungs to take
part in a long and heavy reading of TUPPER ? We think it likely the
lady would have no difficulty in obtaining a choice of manuscripts, for
there are plenty of them about, we know from experience-but we doubt
whether she is likely to get her choice of talent-that is not quite such
a drug in the market.
FU'TJN.-MARCH 30, 1867.
"SECURING" THE SUFFRAGE,
Crafty Benjamin:-" NOW, GENTS, HERE'S A HANDSOME REFORM BILL PURSE! BUT THAT AIN'T ALL.;
TO SHOW YOU HOW OBLIGING I AM, I'LL PUT INTO IT THIS LITTLE. GOLDEN HOUSEHOLD SUFFIRAGE.
THERE YOU ARE! GOING CHEAP! WHO'LL BUY?"
Mr, Gladstone (to intending purchaser):-" DON'T! HE'LL SLIP THE COIN UP HIS SLEEVE!"
M Can 30, 186,7.]
ACT I.-SCENE 1,.
SJB ARMROYD'S Cottage. Enter NLLTY.
General joy. All partake of apples, which are handed about in
Enter SIR GILBERT.
SIR GILBERT.-I took this house of Ethel; or, Only a Life; and it
was in this drawing-room that she died It is a splendid room, in
Danson's best style. Quite the Danson cheese!
NBLLaB.-Ah, I faint! [Faints over oasy,,~Agr.
SIR GILBERT (to dttendant).-Do carry this tiresome woman aw4ay!
[ They. rryhear awpy.
SIR GILBERT.-JOb Armroyd!
JoB.-Ay, lad! Thees't gotten moi woife. Thackle bonnie barkie!
SmIR GILBiT.-Tut! [.411l tt.
SIR GILBERT (hospitably to guests).-Oh, I wish you'd all go into
some other room. I have business with this man.
[Guests bow, curtsey, sad depart.
JoB.-Give me moi wife!
NELLY.-I am Job Armroyd's wife. Ah, me!
Enter JoB A Rxxoyn.
JoB.-Ay, lass, thee be. It be just thoct t'bacele nicht that Job
Armroyd colacks t'ould mine to tak cammie tackle! [They embrace.
Enter TIDDY DRAGOGLETHORPE.
TmDY.-Eh, Job ? Bock t'waite clacken taggie ?
NELLIE (mournfully).-Yes, Tiddy. (Aside.) I am the only person
in these parts who is intelligible, except Sir Gilbert Featherstone.
Can my emotion at his presence be attributable to that fact? It
may be [Sighs.
SeNEn 2.-Bleakmoor. Enter BENJAMIN BLINKER (a tiger) and TIDDY.
BnKaER.-Tiddy, have you got a biceps ?
TIDDY.-Ah, lad! [Bonnets him.
BLINXER.-True! [Exit, thoughtfully.
Enter NELLY and SIR GILBERT.
NIrLLm.-Ah, me! Sir Gilbert, would you tear me from my home ?
SIR GILBERT.-I would. [Tears her from her home.
TmDn.-Eh ? T'wold thockerfull dack t'bain clackie! I'll just
gang tell Job! [Exit.
SCENE 3.-A coal mine. Ten thousand additional lamps. Red fire.
Harmonic meeting apparently going on. Ma. P. BEDBORD in the
chair. Chorus of convwivial miners.
JOB (reproachfully).-Ah, thockle, thockle
[They all shake their heads.
Enter TIDYy down the shaft.
TmDDY.-Job, t'woife gang awa' wi t'wockle Baronet!
JoB.-Eh ? Thot were wrang o' Nellie -[All swoon.
ACT II. SCENE 1.-Regent's Park. Interior of Ferns Villa. Boom
garnished with profusion of roses; smiling corn-fields in distance.
Enter NELLIE, shivering.
NLLIrr.-How it is snowing without! I almost wish I hadn't run
away with Sir Gilbert. I really feel some remorse at having left poor
Job-and I express it by fainting over the furniture every quarter of
an hour. But his dialect was so very provincial, that I could not stand
him. At all events, I can understand Sir Gilbert perfectly.
Enter SIR GILBERT.
SIR GILBERT (with his hat on).-I have invited crowds of dis-
tinguished getss to a ball this evening.
NELLIE (with some show of reason).-Really, Sir Gilbert,'you should
have told me-there is nothing but cold mutton in the house. ,
[Faints over a sofa.
SIR GILBERT.-Ha Again! [Carries her out.
Enter TiDDY and MR. EBnRNa in a pair of pantomime, whiskers.
TIODY.-Ah, lad. Oi be come t'seek sitivation.
MR. EnuRNs.-Haw! [Exit MR. 'EBUIN with pomp.
TmnYr.-Eh ? It be our Nellie. Oh! thockt, thockt (quoting good
old saying), T'bockle wrackle makes thwockt pookle!"
S[.Faints over ottoman.
SCENE 2.-Exterior of Ferns Villa by night. Snow.
BLINxxx.-Oh, what a biceps she have got! [Writhes. Exit.
Enter Jon, broken.
JOB.-Eh P Ah! T'waite pack takess t'ould thortle!
Adelphi guests arrive all at once at Ferns Villa, in ball dresses, trudging
through the:s.ow. Enter BLINKER.
BLINKER (contemplating Ferns Villa).-Oh, dear me, who would have
thought that the magnificent saloons of Ferns Villa, with their cor-
ridors, ball-rooms, ante-chambers, and so forth, could have been
crammed into such a very ordinary-looking cottage! It never
occurred to me before. (Changing the subject)-Oh, what a biceps she
have got! [Exit, writhing in great agony.
SCENE 3.-Ante-room at Ferns Villa. Enter all the SERVANTs.
BLIwx-ER.-As there's a large party going on in the drawing-room,
what is more natural than that the servants should embrace the
opportunity of singing comic songs with choruses in the adjoining
ALL.-Nothing! [They sing comic songs for half-an-hour.
SCENE 4.-Ball room. Adelphi guests, in Berlin gloves, frock coats,
fancy waistcoats, and afable manners, discovered dancing. They
espatiate to their partners on the liberality of the entertainment.
Ladies in pink net, made skimping, and no gloves, express their delight
in the usual manner "-that is to say, by holding up their hands.
NELLB.-Ha! Job! [Faints over grandpine.
Enter all the guests as if they had been listening at the keyhole. They
all point NELLIE out to SIR GILBERT after the manner of triumphant
SIR GILBERT (annoyed).-All right I see her I [Tbleau.
ACT III. Interior of a cottage. Enter TImDT.
TmDDY.-Ah, twockle bockers canna thwartle t'back!
BLINKER.-I loves ret, for yer biceps!
TIDDY.-Oh! [Kisses him. Exit BI.RmaR.
Enter NELLIE, very ill.
,NILLIE.-I am sick unto death! I have left Sir Gilbert and have
come to live with Tiddy. [Faints over coal-scuttle.
TmDx.-Eh lass, t'best bork the bainst t'war [Carries her out.
Enter JOB, determined.
Jon.-Sir Gilbert's comi' t'ould cottage to nicht. I'll wait.
Enter SIR GILBERT, cautiously.
JoB.-Thee villain! Die!
JoB.-Thees't taken moi woife's love fra' me!
SIR GILBERT.-Nay; she could not understand you!
JoB.-Dio! [Is about to fire pistol, when enter NiLIE.
NELLIE.-Do not shoot him!
NELLIE.-Wow! [Dies over three-legged stool.
JoB.-Dead! Well, well might this drama be called ost in
(Tableau of everybody, all shaking their heads except NBLLIu.)
OURSELVEs.-Very bad piece, very well acted, and placed upon the
stage in the usual Adelphi style.
The Rights of Woman.
WE perceive that MR. DISRAELI, in explaining his fancy-franchises,
took particular pains to show that the payment of twenty shillings
annually would not admit rateatchers. This is to be regretted, as we
hear it was the intention of Ma. JOHN STUART MILL to bring forward
an amendment in reference to a subject in which he takes a local as
well as a purely philosophical interest. Mr. MILL was to have
That in the event of the electoral franchise being so extended as
to include Ratcatchers, this House is of opinion that the privilege
should be likewise conferred upon the Daughters of the said Rat-
catchers, whether residing within the Parliamentary Boundaries of
Westminster, or on the other side 9f the Water, which term shall be
taken and held to have reference solely to the River Thames.
That such Daughters of such Ratcatchers as aforesaid, if indepen-
dently engaged in the Sale of Sprats, or other Fish, all round and
about that Quarter, shall be entitled to a dual Vote in such capacity;
such dualVote, however, to cease and determine in the event of such
Daughters of such Ratcatchers as aforesaid ceasing to be Spinsters by
contracting Marriage with Vendors of Sand, lily-white or otherwise."
And yet there are people who sneer at Ma. MILL as a mere theorist!
IT may seem strange, but it is a fact well,known to those who have
but a slight and superficial acquaintance with science, that if you keep
a fire thoroughly coaled, you will probably keep yourself thoroughly
[MAncH 30, 1867.
MEN WE MEET
B.Y TEE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
THE C. P. AT A LEVEE.
WAT (the wondering reader will ask himself when he sees the
heading to this chapter) can a young man cf the 0. P.'s practical
good sense want to spend his time in kotooing to Princes for F" And
if the C. P.'s reply to this reasonable question is rather hazy, its hazi-
ness must be attributed to the following facts:-
1. An organ grinder is playing an air called I choose to be a bird"
under the C. P.'s window, and when the C. P. scowls at him, the
grinder smiles a kindly smile, as though, having been the philosopher's
chosen friend in days long since, he felt sure that his re-appearance
would raise a host of pleasant recollections in the C. P.'s mind.
2. A very large band of very small boys, all alike, is blessing the
PRINCE OF WALES in the distance.
3. A neighboring chapel sees some reason in the fact that this is
Wednesday morning, for ringing a shrewish tinkling bell for one
4. It is on Wednesdays that intrusive h's and p's make their appear-
ance in the middle of the whords-words, that is-that the C. P. places
on the blue-laid quarto (lined) upon which he is in the habit of record-
ing his ideas for the benefit of an eager public.
6. There is a family next door beating carpets.
6. There is another family, at the other next door, playing ASCHae'S
7. A mastiff over the way is baying like mad.
To quote MR. DICK SWIVELLER, "Under such a combination of
staggerers, no man can be considered a free agent."
The C. P. did not go to Court to kotoo to Princes, although the
kotooing to Princes happened to be one of the incidents of his progress
through St. James's Palace. He went to Court in order to set at
rhest-rest, that is-confound those h's !-a question which for many
years had sore perplexed him-that is to say, Why do people go to
Lev6es They cannot all go to see why people go, as the philo-
sopher did. Of course he is well aware that there are some people
whose position in society demands that they should show themselves
at these singular gatherings once a year, or so, but these form but a
small portion of those who attend. They go as a duty, and as a very
tiresome duty, and very bored they all look. What the C. P. wanted
to know is, what ENSbGN PARKER, of the Barbadoes Militia, COwaET
Toxknrws, of the Affghanistan Irregulars, BaOWN, the big brewer,
GoEEN, the great grocer, can possibly want over
and over again at St. James's ? The C. P. is
bound to admit that his doubts upon these
points were not satisfactorily set at rest.
Neither did two collateral questions, not
bearing directly upon Lev6es, but growing
y \ out of them, meet with satisfactory solutions.
What do people want in Yeomanry Regi-
ments? and why join the Hon. Corps. of
Gentlemen-at-Arms ? The C. P. does not
refer to the Gentlemen-at-Arms under the
new organization, but to the corps as it was
three or four years since. A WILKIs deter-
mining to be a Gentleman-at-Arms" is a
sketch which the C. P. regrets he has not
space for in this chapter.
The C. P. has invariably noticed that, with
all their faults, Scotch gentlemen are more
accessible to strangers than any other inhabi-
tants of the British Isles; so he took the gallant
Highlander on his left into his confidence,
and requested him to pilot the philosopher
through the gilded salon that leads to the
Throne Room-a duty which the Highland
9 gentleman discharged with so much twangy
urbanity, that the C. P. will say nothing i-
natured about him-except that he cannot
possibly imagine what that gentleman could
see in a Lev6e to induce him to come up all
the way from Edinburgh to attend it.
Next is a type of young man which struck the C. P. as being
pleasantly characteristic of the better class of army men. He is, as
the intelligent reader will perceive, a light cavalry man; and, save
that he is rather shallow-pated, not at all a bad-looking light cavalry
man. He is not brilliant, but he is very gentlemanly, smokes good
cigars, bets rather freely, is not above crSquet, fancies he knows
all about a horse, is not much too fast, is a good waltzer, and a care-
ful but not a foppish dresser. Altogether, taking the army as a
whole, the C. P. is disposed to think that the typical light cavalry
man is as pleasant a specimen of a soldier as a not too enthusiastic
civilian can expect to meet with.
Then comes a general officer of the old school-one of those stern old
disciplinarians of forty years ago. He is a martinet in every sense of
the word, and will send any officer of his brigade off parade who
dares toe show a watch-chain. He is a particularly disagreeable
old gentleman to youngsters, and is, I am afraid, as much disliked
as he is feared in his district. He swears good round oaths at young
men of birth, and, somehow, the young men of birth put up with
them. It has always been a source of wonder to the C. P. how it is
that army men, who are beyond all doubt brave and honourable as a
class, bring themselves to submit to the language which certain
foul-mouthed old seniors hurl at their subordinates on the smallest
Here is a yeomanry
cavalry officer talking to
thelast new Radical mem-
ber. The C. P. ventures
to think that the yeo-
manry officer, who is also
a deputy-lieutenant, and
a colonel of militia, is a
fair sample of a large
class of civil soldiers. He &
does not look much like
a warrior; but his posi-
tion in the county re-
quires that he should
identify himself with its
institutions. He is a o
gentleman of good family,
and a true Conservative
in politics, and is listen-
ing to the new Ra cal
member's views on Re-
form, with a quiet, gen-
tlemanly affectation of
interest, which induces .
the Radical gentleman to
suppose that he is bring-
ing the old Conservative
round to his views. But
the old Conservative was -
never yet brought round
to anybody's views. He
was born and educated in
certain opinions, and to
these he will stick until
This is an unpleasant
sight. The elder officer
is a fair type of a bad
kind of Army Man-the
Army Man whose body
has grown old with
greater rapidity than his
tastes. He delights in
the society of anyone
who can tell him a
MAnOH 30, 1867.]
" good story," which, in "his sense, means a very bad story indeed;
and the C. P. fears that his companionship will not tend to elevate
the moral tone of the raw young gentleman who is whispering the
last scandalous anecdote to the disgusting old satyr. It is an un-
pleasant spectacle, and the C. P. will be pardoned for not dwelling on it.
, Here is the latest Q.C.,
talking to a very worthy
deputy lieutenant. The
Q.C. is not quite happy
in his silk robes and full-
bottomed wig. He has
had to give up a capital
junior's practice, and he
doesn't know yet whether
his practice as a leader
will approach it. He has
"taken silk" rather too
soon, but he has a wife
whose dream it has been
for years to see him in a
Q.C. wig, and she has
hurried the good gentle-
man into taking a step
which, if he had been left
to himself, he would not ,
have taken for half-a- -
dozen years. As for the
deputy-lieutenant; why a
deputy-lieutenant is such an astounding anomaly, and altogether
such an unfathomable mystery, that the C. P. feels that he must
content himself with merely giving his portrait. A deputy-lieutenant
is too sacred a mystery to be profaned by such unhallowed hands as
those of a C. P.
No doubt I'm thought a horrid muff,
And bandy-legged as Quasimodo;
My hair is very often rough,
My figure squat as any dodo;
I never sat for Romeo,
Or slim Adonis--dainty creature!
But still my eyes are straight, you know,
And I've a noble nasal featui e.
But, en my honour, JoTaxs's wife
Isplai in face, in eoAtme gribby;
19 never saw in all my life
Suih fishlike. eyes, a nose so, snubby;
Shels what the women call "bad, style,"
Her hairs :the dingy red of carrots,
Her conversations? simply vile-
Hervoice far.: harsher than a parot'Bs
She always victimizes me,
Her tone admits of no denial;
At home, one doesn't mind, you see,-
In public she's an, awful trial! .'
I never go to see a play
But to my side she wildly rushes,
When JowEs alips, reynard-like, away,
And I've to drag her through the crushes
'Twas just the same the other night,
From Mnsi JoNEs I could not sever,
Although the eyes of my delight
Were watching both of us for ever;
And when at last I got away
To ISOLDTE-(I thought rd miss'd her)-
To my disgust I heard her say,
So like! of course, it was your sister !"
Shocking Railway Accident.
THE.other, evening as Dr. of in Kent, was travelling by
the London, Chatham, and Dover line, and shortly before the train
entered the tunnel which runs under the grounds of the Crystal Palace,
his attention was attracted. by cries of "Someone ill-Someone ill!"
With an alacrity which speaks volumes for his humanity and pro-
fessional zeal, he leapt from the carriage, and, declaring himself to be a
medical man, offered to attend to the sick person. On inquiry, how-
ever, he learnt that it was only one of the porters crying out the name
of the -station, which he pronounced "Sy'nh'm 'ill!" Unfortunately,
by the time the doctor discovered this, the train had started, and
owing, to this shocking, accident he arrived home too late for dinner.
COME down to the river,
My dearest, my dove;
Where the grey willows quiver
The wavelets above,
Where the stream's soft meander the shore gently washes-
But, oh, since it's damp, dear, pray bring your goloshes.
Come out in the gloaming
And wander with me,
By moonlight our roaming
So blissful shall be :
Oh, come ; but your true-love, sweat maid, is no traitor,.
He prudently whispers one word-"respirator."
Though skies unpropitious
Above us shall lower;
To meet is delicious,
Despite of a shower.
So come to your love, spite of rain, mia bella,
But of course you will prudently bring an umbrella!
A POETIC RHAPSODY.
THE poet went abroad in the country to look for the sweet fore-
warnings of Spring. He wandered in woodlands and through pastures,
over hill and dale: and everywhere he was saluted by tidings' of the
approaching gladness. All nature was singing. As he listened by
the nest of the speckled thrush in the hawthorn tree, he heard one of
the eggs chanting its lay-" I would I were a bird I" and when he
passed through the meadow, he heard the cow chanting in a low voice,
"I know what I chews to be a daisy." And the poet's heart was
light, though the integuments which clothed his lower man were but
thin, and ill-calculated to protect him against the balmy Easterly
winds of the welcome Spring.
NOTHING can be more clear to any observant mind thali that the
industrious portion of the Irish people have no share in the Fbnian
disturbances. That the Fenian body is made up only of the fdlb and
improvident is sufficiently proved by their late rising.
[ We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketehes unlss they are eoMoon-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
PXMOPaEGMON will see we have, "more or less politely," licked one of
his notions into shape.
CLODOeHE is thanked. His address will oblige.
L.-Your sketches once too L-ementary, are still in-L-igible.
H. T., Notfolk-street, must be off his head.
F. G., Reading, is clearly not accustomed to writing, for h6' i6pMll bto
with an "e."
Great A and Little A are hardly worth saving.
J. A. P., Woolwikh.-We can soafcbly credit it.
PATHBR ToMx-We agree with you, but the para palh -is ha*fly Oaut-
H.-We grieve to dheek your aspiration.
HoP T. T. is a complete mystery to us I
F. S., Gray's-inn-road&-Parodies on "I would I were a bird"' are
getting beyond a lark.
B. C., Newport Market.-"The Coffin Nail" is sutrly ndt a peg tr
C. FITZ-H.-Not one of the ideas that "struck" ydit apleart to 'nktb be
AN OLD JoxKB.-Should it not have been "a repeatebt of olfjokbk ? "
SoHOOLmASTrn.-Evidently abroad,-at any rate not at hobne in the
THE author of Situations not Wanted" will not got the situation he
wants in our columns, so it's all in keeping.
C. W. H., Birmingham.-Won't do.
Declined with thanks-E. S., Bayswater; S. G. Liverpool' Angelioa
Wiggins; W. C., St. Paul's Churchyard' W*. J. Stone; H. B. B.;
Junior Athenaeum; G. D. E. P.; W. D., Park VillageEast; An UTed& i-
mercial Traveller; Blotting Paper; Ginger; Imprimatur; R. W. J.;
C. L. K.; Champagne Charlie; Jolly Cold; D. M. P.; E. B.; X. M.S.;
Robert, 184 B.; F. J. G. H.; S. C. J., WalsallU R.B., Matnohebtr-Btiet;
J. W. R., Edinburgh; Mrs. C. Melksham; J. M.; Johannes Agurt;
J. Y.; R. R. Y., Bishopsgate-street; Rustic; Pleeceman Z.; C. A; L.;
Litton; Devonshire Gloster; J. M. S., Limerick; G. H. S., Southsea;
J. P., Torquay; G. J., Brigg; C. B., Ainwiok; J. G. Camden-towa;
H. W., Elgin- W. J. P., Stanhope-place; Tomkins; D. L.; Hopeful;
Apollo Pipes. *
[MARCH 30, 1867.
1- .. i- / -" .-L -
i t -/ -, __7 I..
THE BRITISH MUSEUM. The great question, "What shall we do with our convicts ?" has long
convulsed England-at least, if it has not convulsed it, it has given
TuE Chancellor of the Exchequer ought to have consulted us as to rise to acute internal discomfort, in connection with which we might
the clauses of his Reform Bill. We could have suggested a fancy adumbrate the distinct medical definition, "stomach-ache."
franchise which, without being at all likely to increase the electoral We cannot quit the subject of the British Museum without pointing
body, would have been based on a qualification of the most searching out a solution which struck us (simultaneously with a chill that has set
and satisfactory character. If he had proposed to give a vote to every us sneezing ever since) in the Statuary Cellars at the B. M. We can-
male, duly certified to have arrived at years of discretion, who could not but think that if the convicts were walked for an hour or two daily
prove that he spent twenty-four hours every month in the British up and down the Sculpture Gallery at the British Museum, andaread-
Museum, we think no reasonable person would have ventured to assert n we Ga l ere clergyman of the Established
that such a franchise would not be well earned, and in fact rather dear ing-deskwere erected at one end, where a clergyman of the established
at the price. Church should read TuPrER, and a platform were raised at the other
Sthere be, according to Ma. DKE, "a repose about Lant-sreet, end, for a comic singer" to descant vocally upon the amount that
I the Borough," there is a yet more profound calmp about the B.eM.- depends upon "the style in which it's done "-we cannot but think,
in the Borough," there is a yet more profound calm about the B. M.- we repeat, that the process would have a remarkably deterrent effect,
a calm which is like an iced stagnation. We have been frequently we repeat, that the process would have a remarkably district t might be
informed by our regular readers that they visit the Museum on Thurs- materially increased, the cost of maintaining our criminals would be
days, in order to repress the hilarious excitement produced by the ma inc e t s
perusal of our weekly issue. But even under these circumstances it is N.B.-In the interests of humanity wewould poio.nt out that the
not a stimulant (?) to be indulged in with entire impunity. One of our officials who would be required to see to the carrying-out of the
subscribers, who is very wealthy, chanced to be overheard to say that punishment must be relieved at short intervals. It is just possible the
he visited the Museum every Thursday, and that it did him good. punishment must be relieved at short intervals. It is just possible the
Proceedings in Lunacy were instantly commenced, and if our publisher extra expense thus involved would exceed the saving effected by the
had not gone to the rescue with the office books to prove that the system.
unfortunate gentleman took in FuN every week, there can be little
doubt but that the Commissioner would have sent him to an asylum. Clerical Intolerance.
We have visited and inspected the Museum with the perseverance A GENTLEMAN who signs himself "An Enthusiast in the People's
and courage of another SIR SAM tEL BAKER. We intend to publish a Cause," and whose real name is BmBB, writes as follows:-"Sir,-It
detailed account of our travels, which will no doubt prove interesting was my fervid aspiration to christen my infant son after an eminent
to the general public, throwing, as it will throw, so much light on a Reformer, as well as by my own name, ERNEST. The pampered priest
comparatively unknown locality. It is a theory of ours that the ma- to whom I applied has coolly advised me to choose some other names,
jority of attendants have been crossed in love; that the mummies are if possible. He did not clearly state the reason why. Can you give
the embalmed remains of constant visitors who perished of inanity- me, dear Sir, any clue to his real motives ?" We can only say that
we beg pardon,inanition-in the building; that the Sculpture Depart- we think the reverend gentleman was quite right. Imagine, if you
ment is even more depressing thantheNew-road between Portland-street can, the misery, both at school and in after-life, of a hapless individual
and Tottenham-court-road, and quite as solemn as the monumental named- "EDMoND BEALES E. BUBB I"
suburbs of a cemetery; and that if the vocal Memnon could only
arrange foran engagement at a music-hall,be would jump atthe lowest YOTICE.-Now ready, the Eleventh 1alf-Yearl/ 'Volue of FUN, being
offer. When we last saw him, he was whistling "The Harp that ICE- ry, t Et alf y e f r ,
Once," in a depressed minor key, with as many flats as a house in THE FOURTH VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Victoria-street, Westminster. fagenta dcoth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.
Lonson: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commms, arvt Puolished (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
March 3), 1167.
ArnL 6, 1867.]
BY THE SAUTNTERER IN SOCIETY.
AMUEL JOHNSON-or as theduffing
K '- V essayist delights to call him, burly
SAM JomHso "-speaking of ED-
cMUND WALLaER's first appearance in
^ ?Parliament, says, that in such matters
there is an age "before which few
men distinguish themselves much to
-s their advantage." I don't know
what th6 age of MR. HAvsEY, M.P.
for Thetford, may be-indeed, I am
:; ashamed to say I never heard of him
until last week-but he certainly
.._=-- t' t does not appear to much advantage
ii Bin his speech on the Reform Bill.
Some people never know when they
are making themselves ridiculous.
Fancy a fraction of our collective
wisdom gravely discoursing on Thet-
ford, formerly the capital of East
Anglia," and now boasting "a papbr-
mill and one of the largest manufactories of artificial manure !" Well
might the House laugh at such a speech delivered on such an occasion.
The Reform Bill is under discussion-the whole nation is agog to
hear what is to be done-the House of Commons is on tiptoe with
expectation, when lo! up rises a gentleman to make an important dis-
closure-about ancient history and artificial manure !
IT is never safe to prophesy until after an event; and accordingly
I feel shy about speaking of the prospects of the Reform Bill, because
by the time these lines appear, some new complication or revelation
may have taken place. But I think that there may be a chance of the
measure coming to something, though the Opposition is beginning to
show fight, and the Ministry seem inclined to stand at bay. One can't see
clearly how it is to end; but I think I may venture to predict hat it
is not impossible the result may be the same as that of the f, cmous
Irish duel, when one of the combatants was wounded in the ar n, the
other fired in the air, and so the matter terminated."
NEXT Monday will be the Royal Academy sending-in day. The
exhibition, if the hangers display ordinary intelligence- or, rhat is
more to the point, ordinary (I should, perhaps, say in their c se ex-
traordinary) fairness-will be of unusual merit. There a e some
"whacking: canvases" in progress. FRITH has at last conti ived to
tear himself from Railway Stations, Race-courses, and Royal ML axriages,
and is to give us a Charles the Second picture' in his old style.
MILLAIS is finishing "Jephtha and his Daughier." CA mowN has
painted a fine "Home after Victory," that will be popular. MARKS
has done the march of "Falstaff's Own;" YEAMES, W"'3 ekliffe
sending out copies of his Bible ;" HODGSON, Evdn-song ;" E nd WYN-
prELD, "The Last Moments of Cromwell," a picture that will attract
attention. WALKER is finishing the "Boys Bathing," which vas too
late last year. LEIGHTON has a "Venus" ready, with soem other
subjects. Of course LANDSEER, CRESWICK, STANFIELD, and oth irs, guos
enumserare, etc., are to be represented.
PooR LrVINGSTONE! I fear it is no use trying to believe we may yet
hear he is alive. The evidence is too strong the other way. He has
done noble service as a missionary of civilization, and I do i't doubt
his work will be carried out to the end. Some people may ask what
is the use of wasting such men on objects like African disc overies or
Arctic ones. But, these men are specially born for their work, and
you might as well try to talk the needle of a compass into doing but-
ton-hole stitch instead of pointing northward, as hope tc turn their
minds from adventure and discovery. LiviNGSTOxE's death is a
I HAVE just received the first monthly part of Cassell's, Mgazine. It
improves vastly, after number one, in its appearance, and does not fall
off in its literary merit. Ethel," by J. D. WATsoN, is the frontis-
piece, and is a pleasing little figure. The list of names of the con-
tributors to this part is good as a whole ;-MESSRS. THORNBURY,
DUTTox CooKE, HOLLINGSHEAD, TUniNBE, SKETCmLEY, CLARKE, and
MoY THoMAs should concoct a good magazine among them. The
Editor should look after his lady contributors though: Mas. MALA-
CHITS should not be allowed to talk of "a very hideous man and an
intensely pretty woman, neither of whom are," etc.
THE Exhibition of the Society of British Artists will be open to the
public a couple of days before this appears. It will be a very capital
show. Mu. G. COLE has a fine landscape, and MR. A. H. BURR a
clever figure subject. MR. HrATES exhibits some of his noble marine
subjects, and MR. HEMY some fine coast scenes. MEsgtRS. HARDY,
SYER, LrDOVici, HATLLAR, BAYLISS, and BeiO' L will appear to
advantage also, and so will MR. WALTERS, a rapidly rising artist.
The place of honour in the large room is, I believe, given to tho
" Beau's Stratagem," by which E. C. BARNES, deserves it, for it is as
well-painted as it is original in treatment. The two rooms of water-
colours will prove very attractive, I think. Three pictures by the
late PAUL GRAY will be found there.
ABOUT a week or so since, the Pall SIall gravely inserted an article
which announced the discovery of certain suppressed passages front
"Gulliver's Travels," and gave a quotation. It professed to be a
portion of the visit to the Houyhnbnms, and in it Gulliver describes the
malpractices of the Turf. The whole thing was a hoax-tho passago
a clever forgery, which was detected by one of the sporting papers on
account of the use of modern sporting slang. In other respects the
imitation was capital. But the matter does not end hero. Our leanned
contemporary, the London Review, brings its critical acumen to bear on
the passage, and pronounces it to be in SWrrT'S keenest and most.
masterly style." Thereupon M. F. T." (those initials seem familiar!)
who takes in the L. B., but to his credit, the 1P. iM. G. also, writes to
the latter journal and begs for more suppressed passages, and the
"Young man in the Temple," who supplied the first, replies:-
I am just starting from my dad's place at BIllynabraggan, so that I can't wri c
anything immediately. If the public would like another sullpre-scd plSsig or two
from Gulliver, of course they can be done; but I am in doubt whether it inn who
is pronounced by so grave and acute a critic as the London Review to be an adimi-
rable a satirist as SWIFT ought not to set up on his own account, and wear his o" n
laurels. There is a fine opening for a satirist just now, and if the close ond accurato
critics of the L. R, can find no differeiice between my genius and that of the ilainuntd
Dean, I suppose I may count with certainty upon success withthhe more public."
Poor London Review This is almost as good a blunder us that rmistalik
about Johnson's preface, which was the death of the Reader. The
Review will, I feel sure, survive the blow ; but it will be so bruised,
that it will stand in need of a good supply of that Christmas oint-
ment "-and no flies, this time-of which it was so justly vain a little
THE weather seems to have taken a turn for the better. It has been
a hard and long winter, but I hope a warm spring and dry summer
will make up for it. The season has had many strange leatures-
amongst other things, I notice it has considerably dernuged the
ordinary course of the months in the north, for, as I write, I halve,
lying before me a copy of the supplement to the Preston Guardi.',,
which announces that it is "for the week ending February 30, 1807."
THE TWO GRINDERS.
THERE is a grinder drives mue mad-
A double tooth, so very bad,
In vain my nerves I harden.
There is another grinder, who
Goes near to drive me crazy, too-
He's there in my front garden.
His organ with a wheezy moan
By jerks is playing Bobbing Joan,"
He grinds with many an antic.
Meanwhile, in vain my tooth I stuff
With anodynes on cotton-fluff:
Such grinders singly were enough-
The two will drive me frantic
THE "Royal Literary Fund" has issued its report, with tIm
usual amount of speechifying, self-laudation, and ostentation. The
list of benefits conferred by the society-under the cheerful title of
"authors relieved "-affords food for meditation, and may be'recom-
mended for the consideration of those young authors who, adopting
literature as a profession, are not quite determined which branch of it
they shall follow :-
Classification of authors relieved.-Class 1, history and biography, 11 grants,
460; Class 2, Biblical literature, 1 grant, 35; Class 3, science and art 1' grant,
15; Class 4, periodical literature, 7 grants, 250 ; Class 5, tovo$rarhy an& travels,
grants, 115; Class 6, classical literature ind education, S giants, 80; Clas 7s
political economy, 1 grant, 50; Class 8, poetry, 6 grants, 160; Cla 9, essays and
tales, 11 grants, 315 ; Class 10, drama, I grant, 20; Class 11, law, 8 grants, #85;
Class 12, medicine, 1 grant, 30.
From this it would seem that poetry is not a good line to adopt, as six
poets only received one hundred and fifty pounds among them, or five-
and-twenty pounds apiece, whereas historians drew over forty, and a
periodical-writer, even, got over five-and-thirty. Political economy
commanding fifty pounds, we would recommend our young frioel
to stick to that, and leave poetry, and tales, and essays to nmen of
Epigram on Duality.
THE scheme is ingenious and crafty a few,
But in England, at least you can't make that two deux.
VOL. V, D
[APRIL 6, 1867
"PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN I "
Coachman (to Thomas):-" HERE, MY MASTER'S DINING WITH YOURN-
JUST TAKE HIM %HAT NOTE! "
Thomas:-" THERE'S A LOT 0' PEOPLE HERE, AND I DON'T KNOW
WHICH IS YER MASTER."
Coachman :-"WELL, LOOK HERE, YOU GO INTO THE ROOM, AND IF YO U
SEES A GEN'L'M'N THERE AS LOOKS AS IF EVERYTHING HE TOOK DID HIM GOOD
-WHY THAT'S MY MASTER!"
A QUEER superstition,
And ancient tradition,
The views on its origin vary:
And people are caught;
Each year you'd have thought,
Would make them more cautious and wary.
He stands afar, nor joins in croquet play,
While April sunshine makes a pleasant day;
And as they call his absence too absurd,"
Fair lips will pout and, maybe, say this word.
It gives its treasure to her eye,
But when one comes to speak,
Each fair scene's passed unheeding by,
While blushes tint her cheek.
Love that was well requited wrought him woe,
And when his lady by the cruel foe
Was hardly treated, with an answering sigh-
He gasped and calmly laid him down to die.
Where the surges heat in thunder,
On a far-off western shore,
Tinged by sands that lie thereunder,
As a poet 's said before.
There by restless waves surrounded,
In the long-drawn aisles the hymn,
With the sacred service sounded,
From the morn till day grew dim.
Without her you would out a pretty figure,
As you grow smarter so her bill grows bigger.
ANSWER To ACROSTIC No. 2.
P Punjaub B
O Olive E
T Tara A
T Trill L
E Elaine E
R Rhymes S
CORRECT SOLUTION OF AcRosTIC No. 2, RECEIVED 2?TH MARCS.-
Tooting; Mrs. Owdashus Cuss; Pipekop; F. J. P.; Bull-pup;
Betsy H.; Darkey; Lawson; Bow-wow; Ganymede; Sheernasty;
Petlein; Lambkin; Snip; Newton Ards; Connu; Warley; Deep-
. thought; Quartette; H. E. V. D.; Red-nosed Elk; K. P. *.
Surrey; Sciatica; Nanny's Pet; Young Bedo; Ginger; Carver and
Gildern Spectre Pig; Ferret; Knurr and Spell; Beef and Baked;
Green Mallet; Infirm Mary; E. D. S.; Gobbles; J. E. B.; F. J. G. W.;
Owdashus Cuss; Boy and Dolphin; A Cripple; Greenock; Ruby;
Bumblepuppy; Jibjobbey; D. G. R.; Mary Port; Knight Templar;
J. C.; A Gowk; Gyp; Nosnan Eillini; Brain; Dora; Snooks; Dulca-
mara; Fal; Chichester for B.; Vancouver; J. W. ; -Birkenhead.
FROM OUR STALL.
HE revival of Rob Roy has
afforded the Drury Lane
management another oppor-
tunity of distinguishing itself
by taste and liberality. The
piece hardly deserves, in our
i opinion, the pains that Mr.
CHATTERTON has taken with it.
Si Perhaps the feat of trans-
forming an excellent novel
into a tiresome drama was
never so triumphantly per-
formed as in the case of Rob
RIoy. Some extraordinary at-
traction was evidently found
necessary for the support of
the piece on its revival at
Drury Lane; therefore, MR.
SIMS REEVES was engaged,
and MI. POWRIE brought
from Edinburgh to strengthen its effect. The former gentle-
man, from causes that we have not heard explained, has dis-
appointed the management; and the latter has sprained his ancle.
MR. W. HARRISON plays and sings the part of Frank Osbaldistone
pretty nicely, but he always frightens us by running into falsetto, and
not seeming to know his way out again. Ma. SWINBURNE, who has
replaced MR. PowRIE since the first performance, is a good Rob Roy
McGregor-perhaps a trifle stagey. The Nichol Jarvie of MR. PHELPS
is one of his best comic parts; an easy second, in fact, to Sir Pertinax
(which is an easy first). MR. McINTYRE was finely grotesque as the
Dougal Creature. In a certain eccentric line of character this actor
is rapidly making a reputation; and in the forthcoming drama at this
house, MR. McINTYRE is to have a part which will fit him like a
glove. Miss CRoss, the young lady who performs the part of Diana
Vernon, sings well and would sing better if she were less nervous.
Miss LE THIERE declaimed sonorously as Helen McGregor; and Mns.
AYNSLyv Coox, whose name should certainly be inserted in the bill,
brought the house down by her singing of the solo part in the Tramp
Chorus. Let us, before we have done with Rob Roy, implore the actor
who plays Mr. Owen, to make him a little bit more intelligent. The
confidential clerk of a large banking firm could hardly have been the
simpleton he is represented on the Drury Lane stage.
Revivals are the order of the day. The Duke's Motto has been re-
vived at the Lyceum, David Garrick at the Haymarket, and It is Never
Too Late to Mend at the Princess's. We are to have a few novelties at
Easter, including a burlesque from Ma. BURNAND at the Olympic, one
from MB. W. BROUGH at the Strand, and one from Mr. GILBERT at
Received with open arms.
The Great Eastern is to run between America and France during the
Paris Exhibition. In order to show how highly the EMPEROR estimates
the American, -it is arranged that the latter shall be conveyed at once
from the bosom of his family to the Brest of France.
APRI 6, 1867.] F U N.T
THE FRENCH EXHIBITION.
It* -- -t
Rau ,-5 .11.1111. -1 t -44
TO PARIS AND BACX.
SUPPOSE you intend, my intelligent friend,
In the course of the Spring to run over
(It's done in a minute, when once you beginrt)
To Paris by Folkestone or Jover.
Perhaps, by a brief preparation,
In elegant versification,
I may show you a few of the things you can do,
/When you're out on your peregrination.
Let me mildly suggest that the journey is best,
If you start when the weather looks shiny;
You may feel a qualm, if it's not pretty calm,
When the steamer gets out on the "briny."
Pale brandy-don't venture without it-
Will cure you, perhaps, but I doubt it;
Or lie on your back when you feel the attack,
And think nothing whatever about it.
If, on landing, you feel in the cue for a meal,
You can get it of course at the station;
You've a long way to go and the trains travel slow
In that lively and go-a-head nation.
Get the very first coach you can dive at,
When Paris at length you arrive at,
You'll be perfectly charmed (and a little alarmed)
By the pace that those vehicles drive at.
Take your oafd au lait on beginning the day,
But fight shy of a solid refection;
You can then go and moon about Paris till noon,
And indulge philosophic reflection.
You're sure to grow fonder and fonder
Of Paris the further you wander :
Our sights over here are uncommonly queer
To the sights you may see over yonder.
Don't go to Saint Cloud-you're a muff if you do-
There's enough to be seen in the city;
The drama's a sight you should get ev'ry night,
For the French (unadapted) are witty.
I think I may say in addition
(As I've little more space for tuition)
That, while you're in France, you should seize on the chance
Of a trip to the new Exhibition.
REFLECTIONS AT A PICTURE-AUCTION.
IT may shock those who are given to talking about "the increasing
love of art" and the "munificent patronage of art by the MEDICIS of
Manchester;" but there can be no doubt that Picture-Auction Rooms
are only a species of Share Market, and that paintings are a kind of
currency. As for the Manchester MEDICIS, in most cases it is to be
feared they buy pictures as furniture. They see galleries of fine works
in the houses of the old landed gentry, and they feel it necessary to
have something of the same sort too. Pictures are an investment, and
the only wonder is that so-called Art journals do not give the state of
the market, just as the commercial journals record the rise and fall of
shares. The Picture-Auctions would supply the needful statistics;
and from them the list might be made out something in this style :-
The demand for genuine Old Masters continues active. In Modern
Works much business has been done, though, in consequence of the
approaching Royal Academy sale, which begins on the 1st May, some
large customers are holding back. PICKERSGILLs are a little flat.
HARTS have a downward tendency. CREswIcxs are steady. There is
an advance in LEADERS, and LANDSEEiS go pretty briskly. BARNE'SEs
show a tendency to rise. MILLAIS's are lively, and there has been a
call for CALDERONS. SANDYSES command good sales, and in some
quarters BURNE JONESEB are well looked after. It is stated there will
be good business done in AR-MYTAGEo, NICOLBES, and PETTIES next
Nothing is more common than to meet with "patrons of Art," who
are coolly reckoning up the returns they are likely to get for their
I say," says old COTTON, the millionaire from Manchester, who has
just dropped in at DRYER's studio to see if there's a bargain to be picked
up in the way of Art, "I say, DRYER, how's that chap SMALT getting
'" Oh, pretty well," DRYER thinks; "seems to be always at work.
Has been married lately."
"How's he getting on with his pictures," COTTON means. "Do they
sell well ? "
Yes, they sell very well," DRYER is glad to say.
I mean good prices," says COTTON, careful to be particular in his
,"Very good," replies DRYER, who thinks it's very kind of old
COTTON to take such an interest in a young and struggling artist.
[APRIL 6, 1867.
Glad of it," -ays the Manchester man. "Fellow advised me to
buy some things of his. Got 'em cheap-they'll fetch twice what I
gave for 'em now. Capital pictures !"
To a real lover of Art, a visit to a picture sale is full of interest..
First of all there are the pictures to see-pictures he may never have
the chance of seeing again; early works by recognized men, fetching
good prices -which- they -don't merit. Early works by unrecognised
men, fetching about -half their real value. Then there are the buyers-
men who buy pictures because they-like them-men who buy pictures
because they want to be supposed to like them-men who buy pictures
because other people buy pictures-men who buy pictures as an
investment, Next are the non-buyers-men who dqn't buy pictures
because they don't care about them-men who don't buy pictures
because they can't afford to buy them-men who don't buy pictures
because they can afford not to buy them. The varieties are endless.
Some never praise or blame a picture till they have found out the
painter's name in the corner. Others always blame-others always
praise. Then there are the people who know all the technical
terms, and talk you stupid with keeping and chiaroscuro, scumbling
and glazing, and a host of more recondite words of obscure meaning.
For our part, we consider Picture-Auctions to be little better than
slave marts. A man has no business to be always buying and selling
pictures, any more than he has to be always changing a wife. He
ought not to buy a painting until he is quite sure he really likes it;
and once its owner, he ought not to be allowed to part from it unless
he can show sufficient cause, such as poverty, for instance, before an
Art-Divorce Court. It is a desecration of Art for a man to be perpetually
changing the paintings on his walls, as if he were re-papering. The
collections of such people should be confiscated, and added to the
Loaves and Fisheries.
"Mr. Spencer Walpole 2aa been appointed Inspector of-Fisheries."-Fide
FROM aspects which promotion now presents
This clear ai4 efiniQte concluJion's FUN's-
The duty of "_Patrnal Gover=wentso
Cosists inndin g brtQrts for their sons.
WRY is a shirt front like a bridge P-Because it looks best-arched.
-F' UJ N .-APRIL 6, 1867.
MI's G.:-" YOU SHA'N'T DRESS YOUR DOLL LIKE THAT!"
Miss D.' -"YOU'RE NOT TO DICTATE TO ME, MISS!"
B. in the background:-"All, I THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO THIS, THEY BEGAN SO AMICABLY!"
FUJN.-APRIL 6, 18-7.
"SPARE MY FELINES."
Mother Martinet (to the reluctant P*k*ngtn):--" OH, DON'T TAKE AWAY MY FAVOURITE CAT I CAN'T
GET ON WITHOUT THE PET! [But he couldn't w11 help himself.
APRIL 6, 1867.]
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIO PHYSIOGNOMIST.
SOME CLUB MEN.
NomTHIn, perhaps, affords such conclusive evidence of the vastness of
London than the fact that Club-Men, who are selected, as a rule, from
the best of the better classes, should be so entirely unlike each other as
they all are. Of course, each club has an attribute of its own, and its
members may be said to be, to a certain extent, denominational; and
this fact, in itself, is sufficient to account for the broad lines of distinc-
tion between the members of different clubs. But that some members
of each club should be so utterly dissimilar in temper, tone, style, and
general characteristics to the other members of the same club is a con-
sideration which has a double effect upon the philosopher. It fills him
with awe, for it brings the infinite ramifications of metropolitan society
vividly before his eyes, and it fills him with vexation of spirit, for he
feels that the task which he has set himself in this chapter is rather too
great for his powers. However, he has by this time accustomed him-
self to take the physiognomical bull by the horns to such an unlimited
extent, and with such a show of success, that he has come to look upon
himself, if not as an absolute master of that embarrassing but attractive
animal, at all events, as no unworthy match for it. It is true, that the
philosopher has overheard, in railway carriages and on steam-boats,
observations which tend to show that Mankind at Large is not
altogether unanimous in supporting this opinion; but then when was
Mankind unanimous ? He has remarked, however, that the objectors
to his system are all short, and have wens in their back-hair. There
is but one exception to this rule-a big, blue-eyed, soft, golden-haired,
plump maiden, who, at a party, spoke to the 0. P. of himself, as a
Muff, not knowing who the individual was whom she had the
advantage of addressing. She appeared surprised when she saw two
crystal tears roll out from the inner corners of the philosopher's fine
eyes, and she seemed really alarmed when she perceived that his manly
bosom was convulsed with sobs. IF this should catch the eye of
R - ND BL - Y-but no matter! The reader is probably
at this moment asking himself, But what in the world has this to do
with Clubs ?" The C. P. honestly acknowledges that it has nothing
whatever to do with Clubs, but he was for the moment unmanned. He
will snivel no more.
If the packing-up of portmanteaus, the travelling for six hours
across the country, the hunting for apartments in the West of England,
and the subsequent unpacking of personal baggage on a very hot
day, in a very bad temper and a tight boot, are the very best prepara-
tives for sitting down to write a chapter of Men we Meet," then
should this chapter be a triumph of literary and artistic excellence.
But if, on the other hand, these considerations are admitted to be
drawbacks to a free and unembarrassed style, then, by so much as they
are drawbacks, may this chapter be taken as intellectually inferior
to those which have preceded it. The 0. P. is not well, and he
heartily wishes he had written and posted this article. Now for
This rather important old gentleman,
with the semi-bald head, the over-hanging
eyebrows, and the full white whiskers, is a 6
member of the Senior United Service Club. .
He is an old Navy Post-Captain of the
better class of the old school. Not one of
the grog-drinking, swearing, indelicate old
martinets of naval novels and naval plays,
but a gentlemanly, fussy, obstinate, hon-
ourable,'crotchetty, courteous old boy-a
man of some importance in his county, and
one who has long been accustomed to
immediate and implicit obedience from all
under him. He still believes in the bluff-
bowed old tubs in which he first went to
sea sixty years ago, and looks upon Rams,
Monitors, Merrimacs, and so forth, simply
as dangerous and expensive toys, which
are curious from an experimental point of
view, but which the nation will throw .
aside when it is tired of them. Our old
Post-Captain is a staunch supporter of
Church and State; a firm ally of the clergyman of his village; a
believer in all game and fishery laws; and he always drinks The
Queen!" as soon as the cloth is removed, even though he be dining by
This old gentleman may be taken as a fair type of the Athenueum,
as far as the Atheneum is susceptible of typification. (The C. P.
wishes it to be distinctly understood that he does not believe that any
Club with which he is acquainted is really susceptible of anything of
the kind.) The old gentleman in the
margin is a learned old clergyman,
filling some dusty old post in connection
with the University of Oxford. He is a
learned bibliomaniac, and will hold out
for hours at a time on the subject of
Aldines, Elzevirs, and other cognate
matters of which the C. P. will not
pretend to know even so much as the
names. How easy, by the way, would
it be for the philosopher (if he were
a humbug) to take down his .Encyclo-
pedia .Britannica, which, in about
forty volumes, is staring him in the
face as he writes, and indite there-
from (from the article called "Books "),
a long catalogue of the obscure works
upon which his friend in the margin
is always ready to expatiate. But the
0. P. is not a well-read man, and he
scorns to convey, directly or indirectly,
the impression that he is anything of
This Active, eager, busy, energetic man, is a member of the Reform
Club. He is probably a gentleman, although a careless one, and he
does not carry his Liberal views to
the extent of becoming a downright
Radical; but he is to be avoided,
nevertheless, as an awful type of a
Man with a Grievance. There is always
something wrong. Either a man has
been hanged without having gone
through the trying ordeal of shaking
hands with the executioner; or a secre-
taryship has been created at four himdred
a-year, the duties of which might be per-
formed by a clerk at fifty; or a nigger
too many has been killed; or a whito
man too few; or a railway train is five
minutes late; or his cabman has over-
charged him. If an account arrives that
KING ToM.rMY, of Borria-Bungalco-Boo, (
has fried five hundred of his subjects,
hoe has stories about the treatment of
the mild Hindoo by the East India
Company, which, by comparison, place
KING ToMMY's behaviour in the light of
a mere amiable eccentricity.
On the left, is a member of the Carlton-a quiet, steady-going old
country gentleman, with a good eye for a horse. He is a good shot;
does a little, still, across country ; is a fair fisherman ; and, twenty
years ago, was a good oar, and a first-rate bat. He is a County
a tasto for pun-
and he is, gene-
rally, too hard
and petty crimi-
nals. It is a
-' fault of his edu-
cation-but it is
a fault, notwith-
right, is a fair S
type of the C;
The C. P. really
does not know
how to describe
The only typical
A is susceptible of
description is the
lisping, haw-haw, lardy-dardy Guardsman whom we meet upon the
stage, and no where else. The gentleman whom the C. P. has selected
is, of course, a brave man; of course, an honourable man (save in the
matter of tradesmen, who don't count); a cool hand in moments of
difficulty; gentlemanly, distant, and reserved; unembarrassed in
manner; and conversationally equal to any emergency. Our friend
will marry when he comes into his father's estates; leave the Guards,
and take a Field-Officer's commission in his county Militia Regiment.
44 IF U N. [APRIL 6, 1867.
THE PENSIONED POETS.
-I TE- EARL tO his couch had crept,
SThe rest he required to seek,
UD IIn the fatal Reform Bill week ;
And quietly soon the Premier slept,
Dreaming (perhaps) in Greek!
t thly He dreamt that a song was sung
Which troubled his brief repose,
J 1 As the mournful ditty arose,
From the lips of the pensioned poet YOUNG,
And the lips of the poet CLosE.
THE POET YOUNG.
THE harp of would Erin I strike with effulgence,
Cushla machree, cushla machree,
Whilst Liberty marshals her Orange battalions,
From the Wicklow mountains all round to the sea!
Awake, ye bold Loyalists, and down with his Holiness,
Kathleen mavourneen, ohone, ohone !
May the LonI LIEUTENANT display greater boldness,
Sitting in glory on the Vice-regal throne !
Then, croppies lie down, and arise Londonderry !
Belfast she is ready to join;
So down with intimidation and bribery,
And hurroo for the Battle of the Boyne!
THE POET CLOSE.
HAIL, votive DERBY, whose magnific ray,
Awakens the tuneful lyre in humble life;
SSuch being my own position, I am free to say,
----- -And my only object is to maintain my wife.
h- y oMay fortune smile upon the COUNTESS D.!
I hope your good lady may continue well,
Whatever her poor poet's lot should be,
Though Poverty should ring his knell.
If half-a-crown were by your bounty flung,
I should regard it remarkable well-timed-
f I have said as many verses now as YOUNG,
ow, a otgnlmnAnd I consider as they are better rhymed I
The EARL, SO he dreamt, arose,
BOOT- FU L I With angry words on his tongue,
And he shouted with lip and lung,
It's all very well to talk about a southerly wind and a eloudy sky but think of "May the Deuce fly away with the poet CLosE,
"the torture of the boot" after a wet day's hunting And eke with the poet YOUNG!
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. and speaks of me as "scaly," and alludes to "hostile jaw." Gin is a
NI LAs EANDERS, condiment which I very rarely touch, and what he calls "roving steps,"
NICOLAS MEANDERS attributing such to spirits-and-water, shows how harsh we may be in
'Now, Sporting Muse, draw in the flowing reins, our judgments, NICHOLAS often suffering from rheumatism in the
Leate thy fleae streams g ughis flying foen ..
aet ie o am a whlve for som y plainsw ... lower extremities as may give hi% a rambling gait when he have really
Let thy fleet greyhound urge his flying foe . had very little indeed to drink, not to speak of ; scaly is an epithet
Nor must the Sporting Verse the gun forbear, which I indignantly repudiate; and as for "hostile jaw," my enemies
But what's the Fowler's be the Muse's care . may say what they please. I don't care! My salary is paid regular,
But slay, advent'rous Muse, hast thou the force
To wind the twisted horn, to guide the horse I and my bosom full of honest pride.
To keep thy seat unmoved hast thou the skill, In coming to matters more immediately Sportive, the Prophet labours
O'er the high gate and down the headlong hill?" under what his French friends call "1nf embargo de riches," there being
John Gay. "Rural Sports," Canto I. so many topics for consideration, but will take them as they rise, one
"Wouldet you pres fiervce e a numerous otter chase down the other come on. I have always been of opinion that your
Th' amphibious monster ranges all the shores, paper, though otherwise well managed, do not give me enough space.
Darts through the waves and every haunt explores:- First and foremost, then, Sir, I am glad to see that noble animal
Or let the gin his roving steps betray, the horse, than whom I am sure none more so, is now spoke of with
John Gay. "Rural Sports," Canto I proper respect, as you will see in the following extract, where it is
"High raised on Fleet-street posts, consigned to fame, put quite like a Court Circular, such as HER MAJESTYtook a walk on
This Work shall shine, and Walkers bless my name." the slopes," or "the PRINCE OF WALES rode on horseback" (as if,
John (ay. "Trivia." Book III. by-the-bye, H.R.H. occasionally rode on a donkey, which he do not
BELGRAVIA. do so, his only other vehicle being a fire-engine, along with the DUKE
MY DEAlt YOUNG FRIENn,-You will see as me and my Gentleman OF SUTHERLAND and NICHOLAS and afew other chums), or "the PRIN cEss
of the Press have made it up again, he having behaved, I am free to BEATRICE drove," which I must say as it is rather early for to trust
own, in a most gentlemanly manner considering his station in life her with the ribands. But here, Sir, is the extract. Judge for
and explained that MR. SPENSER, whose rather offensive lines I yourself:-
quoted last week, have long been dead, which if I had known such I "Count F. de Lagrange's Fille: de 'Air has left Dangu and gone on a visit to
would never have said a word that could have given a pang to his Gladiateur.
surviving friends, and have little doubt as he was a very worthy man, "On the 16th inst., at the Haras de Vineuil, near Chantilly, Audacieuse, a colt
though rather too ready with his gab. by Monarque.
The remarks made by Ma. JoHN GAY, in the present number of the There is a chastened delicacy about these illusions, my dear young
New Serious, strike me as in much better taste and altogether more Friend, which is quite in the vein of NICHOLAS himself.
suited to the occasion and subject, though I do not quite go along Then, Sir, there is the Epsom Spring Meeting, which I see as you
with him where he talks of "the gin betraying my "roving steps," did not think it worth while to print my tip for the City and
ArRir, 6, 1867.]
THE (RACE) COURSE OF TRUE LOVE, ETC.
Little Muphit has been bursting for the last three-quarters of an hour to declare himself; but the unaccountable restiveness of Miss Spooonington's
horse has frustrated each attempt. At length in desperation :-" HI DEABEST MiSS SPOONINGTON, YOU THERE, I ADORE YOU-BAY OHi,-ON,
BAY, YOU WILL BE MI-INE !"
Suburban. Perhaps, Sir, it did not come safe to hand ? If so, there
can be no harm in my saying as it was-
Abergeldie .............. 1
Fitz-Ivan ................ 2
Though, bless you, this is nothing compared to the good things I
have still in store for you!
Next, Sir, there is an Eleven of Aboriginal Australian Savage
Indigines coming over to England to play at Cricket, and which your
Ole Man will be all there.
Then, Sir, there is the Railway Strike, which prevented me from
getting down to Epsom in good time, and I daresay as this was the
reason why you did not print my prophecy for the City and Suburban;
and there is the Rowing Matches at Paris ; and there is Putney, which
you have already told the public how it will end; and there is-in
fact, there is such a heap of things that NICHOLAS is compelled to ex-
claim with the poet, though altering of him a little, "Ye unborn
races, crowd not on my soul!" NICHOLAS.
P.S.-I have found a chapter or two of my "Knurr and Spell,"
just the rough draft, so to speak. Perhaps we had better print even
this than seem to break faith with the public ? Not as the public
would hesitate to break faith with you or me. I know the public, my
dear young Friend!
Tam ingratitude of the human race! Look here:-o
T0o be SOLD, a very superior INVALID CARRIAGE. Cost, within six months,
12. To be sold for four guineas.-Apply to, etc.
A carriage bought within six months for twelve pounds, has, it seems,
been unexpectedly laid-up, and has become a confirmed invalid.
Although, doubtless, it did good service, it is at once got rid of at an
alarming sacrifice. Will no charitable person buy it, if only to send
it to some hospital ?
310bo to femronbento.
[We cannot return rejected M88. or sketches unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
"THE JUDICIOUS HOOKER" must really not claim other people's fish
because he has had a similar catch. We won't trouble him.
P. G. F., Brighton, must not bring mathematical rules to bear upon
folly, or he will waste his time.
H. E. V. D.-Perhaps the lines were, as you say, sui gencris, on ac-
count of the porkity of ideas in them.
T. W. B., Gales-row, Greenwich.-We have no intention of assisting
you to publish a libel. If we can find out who A. T. S. is, we will hand
him your letter.
J. Y., 'Wood-street.-We don't think-candidly-that you are a poet.
SAMno.-Send thirteen stamps to this office and the book will be for-
warded. Your bookseller must be a muff.
COLD MONKEY sends us a recent joke so calmly cribbed, that we think
cool donkey would be a better term.
J. R. G., Hastings.-" Lady Florian's Secret" wants keeping, and is
therefore rejected by our hanging committee.
BUTcH isn't worth butch, to speak influenza-lly.
BEELZE3Un.-Cannot be made (d)use of.
A. C. T., Maitland-park-crescent.-There is too much that is Brand-y
in the spirit of your article.
Declined with thanks-A. W. B., Liverpool; J. S., Chester; C. P. C.;
0. W. D.; P. C., Enniskillen; T. A., Liverpool; E. C., Ipswich; Duo;
C. H. M., Danes Inn; C. R.; J. M., Lauriston; J. I., Rochford;
C. H. B., Bristol; R. J. W., West-square; 0. Y. G.- Tam o'Shanter;
Dick; P. C. J., Tottenham; F. C., St. Leonard's; A. P. U.; J. H.,
Luton; J. H. C., Moorgate-street Cap and Bells; T. F. M.; C. B. Y.,
Albion-street; W. S. E.; J. N. Y., Bruges; C. W.; Rycharde; A. H.,
Edinburgh; A. W. H., New-cross ; J. R.; S. B.; The Statue; Ih C. H.,
Helensburgh: Slidrig; Z. F.; F. W.; Loyalty; J. E. A.; Vicious
Box; W. T. 3., Dalston; H. H. R., Poet's-corner; W. M. M.; J. R.;
J. F., Richmond; E. A. M., Manchester; Phoebe; Ginger; J. D.,
Croydon; W. E. H., Gloater; Prosy.
[AP-rIL 6, 1867.
RATHER A STICKER I
First Juvenile (audibly to young friend) :-" OH, eRI, BILL AIN'T HE GROWED
SINCE HE BOUGHT THAT 'ELE CANE! "
THERE has been a great deal of unnecessary talk about certain
recent promotions, and the most unblushing attempts have been made
to bring their propriety into question for the mere purposes of party.
The public, we feel assured, will be satisfied that all has been done
with the utmost propriety, when we mention that Competitive Exami-
nation-that most searching of all tests-has been in every case
applied. In proof of our statement we give a few extracts from the
Examination papers in one instance, The Inspectorship of Fisheries.
"The candidate for this appointment was questioned as to his fitness
for the office. He stated that he knew a salmon intimately by
sight, having frequently observed the fish on GROVES'S slab, in Bond-
street. He supposed he should know a salmon-ladder if he saw one,
especially if somebody told him what it was. He knew, as he had
already stated, what a salmon was, and he also knew what a ladder
was, and could, therefore, see no reason why he should not know what
a salmon-ladder was. (Several marks in logic were awarded for this
answer.) He had been for some years a private Secretary in the War
Office. Had there had some experience of the fishy way in which
public business is conducted. Would bring that knowledge to bear, if
appointed to the inspectorship. Had heard the well-known definition
of fishing. Thought that according to that he might claim to be a
fisherman, though not a practical one. On being questioned in what
his peculiar fitness for the office was supposed to consist, he mentioned
that his father was a member of the Ministry. Qualification at once
admitted, and applicant passed."
We are delighted to have this opportunity of proving that this ap-
pointment was not a mere job, that the present Inspector is not one of
those who "dressed in a little brief authority" are likely to "play
such fantastic tricks before high heaven, as make the angels "-and
Home Secretaries-" weep."
SPORTING INtELLIGENCE.-Should Boots for the Moors be made
of Morocco leather ?"
Coquette, f. A prattling or proud gossip; a fishing or fliperous
minx; a titifill or flebergebit."-Cotgrave, A.D. 1611.
WHEN one meets with a damsel provoking,
Who playfully ventures to set
Her cap at one-only in joking,
One calls her a naughty coquette.
But one little reflects on it, what grave
Aspersions are cast till one thinks
That the term means, according to COTGRAYE,
A fisking or fliperous minx."
Of course, if she's false, and delusive,
She ought to be punished, but, oh!
Not in language so wildly abusive,
It's meaning you really don't know!
Though you mayp "owe her one," from a dcit
So savage your manliness shrinks,
As a "titifill," or flebergebit,"
A fishingg and fliperous minx."
BY A FOGY.
THE, Lamplighter, the Lamplighter !
How well in days of yqre,
Can I recall his figure tall-
The ladder that he bore.
How nimbly againstt the post 'twas set,
How nimbly up he ran:
Oh, no! I never shall forget
That old lamplighting man !
The Lamplighter, the Lamplighter .
He's greatly changed, I trow!
With sad surprise I recognize
How he is altered now!
No more does he a ladder bear
To raise him to the wick;
To set the gas-lamps in a flare,
He has a longish stick.
He turns the tap, he lights the jet,
It is a simple plan :
JBut, oh I never can forget
The old lamplighting man!
A CANDID CONFESSION.
TO THE EDITOR OF FUN.
Snm,-I see that a number of individuals belonging to the so-called
"fair sex" have been petitioning Parliament (or are going to do so),
that we men shall be taxed for remaining bachelors. Well, sir, I am
not unreasonable. I have been a confirmed bachelor ever since I was
born, but I don't objet object to being taxed for it. I have always held that
we ought to be taxed for luxuries. There! Yours,
"And Who" Again!
WE have long been pointing out whither "and which" was leading
those unhappy scribes who indulge in it. Now we have a terrible in-
stance of it, that we clip from the Court Circular, by which it is no doutt
quoted from elsewhere :-
Miss Marie Harris, daughter of Mr. Harris, who arranged the whole business for
Mr. Knowles and Miss Southern in Paris, and "ho is already known to the PI'ris
public for her simple, ladylike style, will be included in the cast of the Amercan
If Alit. SOTHERN is surprised to find himself "translated" into Miss
SOUTHERN, MT. AUGUSTUS HARRIS will no doubt be equally astonished
to find he has been changed by this and-which-ery" into his own
daughter-for it is he, and not she, who is here described as already
known to the Par s public.for a simple and ladylike style.
That's about it.
A FRIEND, who has been a severe sufferer by joint-stock operations
(limited), says that the circulars" of many companies are nothing
more nor less than a round robbing "
BETWEEN YOU AND ME AND THE POST-OFFICE.
A TEST LETTER.-H.
APRIL 13, 1867.] I N 47
OUR CHARLIE CHAMPAGNE.
[After a MoenPoet.]
RED whiskers that typify swelldom,
Rough hair that resembles a mat,
The heavy dull eyes and the seldom
Clean shirt, and the villanous hat;
When these have all lost their attraction, -
What shall rest of thee, then? what remain,
Oh, king, of a dubious faction,
Our Charlie Champagne!
Nine lives are not given to mortals,
But alone to conventional cats,-
What is one worth by publican's portals,
And vicissitudinous vats?
Fast midnights and head-aching morrows,
And the love of a lamp-breaking lark,
Change to yawns at the desk and to sorrow,
That wear out the clerk.
O garments of colours that frighten-
O trousers made straight to the knees-
Short coats, slimmest figures that tighten,
And neckties as green as the trees.
O hands free of gloves and of water,
That dangle a limited cane.
beau of the publican's daughter,
Our Charlie Champagne!
Who taught thee thy slang then,-now mellow -
With rank repetition and age ?
Were you innocent ever, young fellow ?
You must have been once, I'll engage.
Did you ever like cricket and rowing?
Were you ever a boy and at school F
Why after your learning and growing
Go playing the fool ?
Were you sick of the tug and the tussle,
Of your life that you changed in a year,
From the mirth and the manhood of muscle,
To the froth and the folly of beer P
Relinquish your cutaway clothing, PUTTING HIS PIPE OUT.
There's a turn to the lengthiest lane, Acute Lad.-" HI! BoBa INSPECTOR A-COMIN'-BBTTUR OGIVE US YOUR
Come back, and relieve us from loathing, PIPE." [And the Inspector wasn't coming, but the precocious youths wanted a bit
0 Charlie Champagne! a' bacey.
FROM OUR STALL.
THE revival of GEORGE COLMAN'S Heir- at-Law gives us another proof
of the Haymarket company's capability for playing old-fashioned
comedy. The piece is conventional enough in structure, but the
sparkling dialogue would make any living.playwright's reputation.
We suppose it could hardly be better acted at any house in London
than at MR. BUCKETONE'S theatre. The manager is at home in the
part of Zekiel Homespun; but he should moderate his transports a
little in the last act. Zekiel is a rough creature, certainly; but he
would scarcely rush, hat on head, into a lady's apartment, capering
about wildly, and singing a comic song at the top of his voice to cele-
brate the winning of a prize in a lottery. MR. COMrTON plays Doctor
Pangloss very funnily, and MR. CHIPPENDALE is remarkably good as
the temporary Lord Duberly. The only point on which we can
compliment MR. FARREN is his dress; he is decidedly one of the best
dressers on the stage. There is only one wordby which we can accurately
describe his performance of Dick Dowlas; the word is "fidgety." To
keep one's eye upon him for more than half-a-minute at a time is to
challenge an attack of St. Vitus's Dance. The ladies-M- CHIPPEN-
DALE, Miss CAROLINE HILL, and Miss NELLY MooRE-are genial,
graceful, and captivating respectively. The scenery is satisfactory,
the "waits" are short, and the intervening music is well selected and
AN dpropos farce on the subject of the Paris Exhibition has been
brought out at the Strand. It is played with plenty of spirit by
MEssRs. THORNE and BELFORD, and Miss ELIZA JOHNSTONE ; but there
is nothing remarkable in the farce itself.
"Swift Camilla" and the Fenians.
AccoRDING to the daily papers "the troops are still scouring the
country after the Fenians." This is surely unnecessary. The
country cannot be so very dirty, since the Fenians managed to get
Oh, Horrible-Most Horrible I "
HAS body-snatching been resuscitated, and have resurrection-men
arisen again.r We were alarmed to meet with the following advertise-
ment in the columns of a contemporary :-
DRAPER'S CLERK WANTED. Must thoroughly understand dissecting. Good
character indispensable.-Apply by letter, stating full particulars, to A. B., etc.
A horrible thought strikes us that the practices of Burke and Ilare
have been revived at establishments which bear the outward semblance
of draperies. People going to such shops for a few yards of calico,
may be supplied unexpectedly with their last linen-or sacking ; they
may require muslin, and get a suffocating with a pitch plaster. If this
be not the case, why, we ask,-and we pause for a reply,-why must a
draper's clerk thoroughly understand dissecting ?*
Chess and Christianity.
SOME one writing to the English Independent, states that chess ha
been forbidden at the rooms of the Christian Young Men's Association,
at Aldersgate-street. We are rather puzzled to see why chess should
be condemned while draughts and dominoes are exempt. Can it be
possible that the game is supposed to glance at the course of the
Episcopacy, because "the bishop" moves in a slantindicular direction ?
Going for a Song.
A Handy Book on the Law of London Cabs and Omnibuses has been
published recently. Its author is a MR. CHARLEY, of the Middle
Temple. It lays down the law so sternly against cabby, that Charley
is my Darling is not like to be a popular song on the rank.
The Missing Baronet.
IT is not unreasonable to suppose that SIa HEW POLLOK will be
found in The Course of Time."
Perhaps in order that be may know how to cutup bodies-not human ones, but
calico ones.- Wife of our Bosom.
48 FUN. [Ann 13, 1867.
BY THE SAUTNTERER IN SOCIETY.
NDOUBTEDLY the case of the Poet
YOUNG will be productive of good.
SMAJOR O'REILLY threatens to move
for an inquiry into the abuses of the
.t Royal Bounty; and if that step be
followed by the transfer of that fund
to responsible officers, for distribution
we shall hear no more of CLOSE and
SYOUNG scandals. Should this be the
f- case, nobody will regret that the
"Ulster True Blue" managed to
impose upon LORn DERBT. My
readers will recall, perhaps, the de-
fence of the grant in question by
Sin H. BRUCE, who did not seem to
see any great insult or injury to the
'N <2 literature of his country in the job.
/ A brief correspondence has ensued
between MAJOR O'REILLY and him,
and his letter to some degree explains
the reason of the course he took. A
gentleman who writes-
S"I do not admit that granting a pension
to Mr. Younm' was an abuse of Royal
S N patronage; and even if I did admit it, I
Cannot approve personal attacks, unless
driven to it in defiance, as the mode to
Z correct abuses,"
is clearly little indebted to English
literature and compositibn-even in
the humble form of a grammar. It would puzzle LINDLEY MURRAY
himself to explain the construction of the sentence I italicise.
THE Accidental Death Insurance Company seem to me to have made
a great mistake in refusing to pay the premium on the policy of poor
JErFFCOK, the engineer who lost his life in the performance of his duty
at the Oaks Colliery. The reason alleged is, that he met his death
through placing his life in voluntary danger." This they state their
clients are forbidden to do "under any circumstances," which ex-
pression of course must include the calls of duty. To lay down such
a rule is surely impolitic; but when the company goes on to add-
It is the true characteristic of nobleness that it be disinterested. It cannot be
disinterested if the direct consequences be to secure pecuniary benefits which
under other circumstances would not accrue,"
it not only talks nonsense, but it talks pernicious nonsense, which flies
in the teeth of the principle of Life Insurance. I should fancy, unless
a new line be adopted by the company, that the number of insurers is
not likely to be increased.
THE Picture Galleries are beginning to wake up with the fine
weather. The Society of British Artists is open, and the exhibition
is the best that Suffolk-street has boasted of for many a long year.
There has been an election of new members, and the Society will re-
ceive an undoubted accession to its strength in the choice of MESSRS.
Lunovici, H. MOORE, WALTERS, and HEAPHY. The hanging of the
pictures has been very fairly done, and the pictures this year are of a
higher degree of merit than ordinary. The French and German
Gallery is also open, under the management of MR. WALLIS. The col-
lection is as varied and excellent as usual, and will be one of the treats
of the season. The Times' critic winds up his notice by declaring his
gladness to observe that the Exhibition promises to be just as interest-
ing in the hands of MR. WALLIS as it was while under the intelligent
control of MR. GAMBART." This strikes me as a one-sided sort of
compliment. Perhaps if MR. WALLIS were to give his critics a fancy
ball, we might in future hear less of his hands and more of his in-
THE prosecution of MR. EYRE has failed so far. I must candidly
admit that I expected'as much all along, and that I could almost wish
the decision had been pronounced by some better judicial body than a
bench of county magistrates. The result would, I believe, have been
the same in any case, but of course as there was a risk, the governor's
friends were right in advising the course that was taken. The pro-
secution and their organs are no doubt angry enough, but they have
conducted the case throughout as if they did not expect any other
termination. It is partly their fault if magistrates will not look upon
as a murderer, a gentleman whose convenience the prosecution desired
to consult" so often. The Jamaica Committee may, however, comfort
themselves with the reflection 'that though they have failed to hang
the governor, his life has been taken-and published by BENTLEY.
THE magazines don't seem to be as flourishing this month as one
would expect with this fine spring weather. Belgravia is not up to
last month in either art or literature. I havelooked through Circe"
in vain to discover what there is in it to justify the big posters awarded
to it. I can see nothing in it different from the ordinary run of
magazine stories, unless it be the amateurish and impertinent use of
transparent disguises for living characters, such as "Sir Edgar Ver-
bockhaven and young Ourtius Rock, the Monmouth after Marston
Moor' man." London Society is very readable this month. "Society
in Japan" is a really delightful bit of Praedesque, and Les Jeux
Atihttiques" is a brisk and pleasant little paper. The Argosy boasts
a capital illustration this month-a gem. Shoemaker's Village"
continues to sustain its interest, and still abounds in quaint wise re-
flections and digressions. Doctor Onofrio" is a strange and absorb-
ing story. In the Cornhill there is a Spanish article with some lament-
able little woodcuts, and the usual amount of rather dry reading. Mn.
LEIGHTON'S picture is very nice, but the title is borrowed from a
picture of MAi. CooPER'S in an early number of London Society. Temple
-Bar I haven't seen yet. Routledge's Magazine for Boys holds its own
well again this month; and the Gardener's Magazine is full of informa-
tion valuable at this time of the year. With this batch of brochures I
may class the Popular Railway Guide just published. It seems very
clear and comprehensive. Two new papers, the Chronicle and the
American have appeared. Each seems well adapted for the line of
literature which it aims at taking.
MY prophecy about the boat race is-well, that I shall be on the
bank, with my colours (dark blue, with a tiny spray of forget-me-not
in the centre-if you want one like it go to Mu. SULTAnA), and that I
hope I shall see the dark blue win.
A MEETING of men of all nations,
To travel and chatter and stare;
Will it answer the great expectations
Of those who the profits will share ?
My first all my second will gather,
Wherever its denizens roam ;
And yet on my word I had rather,
Be peacefully staying at home.
The weary traveller wends his way,
Fast homeward with the dying day,
And sees perchance a welcome sight,
My presence through the livelong night.
Without philosophy, and reft
Of poetry, what then was left,
When two Italians tried, men say,
To spoil our SHAKESPEARE'S finest play ?
Noble and having many friends,
Oft viewed with pride,
And often used to basest ends,
And sorely tried.
He clasped her fondly in his arms,
And promised with a loving kiss,
No other maiden should have charms
For him, and then he called her this.
'Tis pleasant in the sunny summer time
To lie thereon and make an idle rhyme;
And muse how, as men's footsteps onward go,
Of hopes above and loved ones far below.
.ANSWER TO ACROSTIc No. 3.
B Barbara A
P Reveller R
I Ingot T
T Tancredi I
I Iris S
S Soda A
H Historian N
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OP ACROSTIC NO. 3, RECEIVED APRIL 3RD.-None.
MEM. BY A MiEMBER Or THE MINISTRY.
THE most disagreeable feature about an Opposition-the Noes.
APRIL 13, 1867.]
PASSAGES FROM THE DIARY OF AN OLD ENGLISH GENTLEMAN.
I feel within my aged breast,
A power that will not be repressed;
It prompts my voice, it swells my veins,
It burns, it maddens, it constrains !
SCOTT.-" Lord of the Isles."
Saturday, 30th March. Had an interview with my Gentleman of the
Press, and which he furnished me with the motto I have just wrote
down. It is full short; but the respectability of its being one of
SCOTT'S lot makes amend, though I rather forget where it was as
"Lord of the Isles" was made a favourite. As to swelling my
veins," a man is only too apt to feel so if he have been out late the
night before. Memorandum. To write to my Young Friend and tell
him as Lecturer is safe for to win the Northamptonshire Stakes on
Monday, 1st April. This being April Fools' Day, put a pot of
money on Lecturer," than whom a better nor yet a gamer little
favourite. Forgot to write to my Young Friend. After all, too many
cooks spoil the broth, and he might be wanting for to get on himself,
or telling his other countrybutors than whom I am sure a more stuck-
up lot. Much better keep it to myself. To-morrow I shall be a happy
old man, if all goes well.
Monday night, 1st April. I am a happy old man! The Lecturer is
safe to win. Everybody says so. Have reached Northampton safe
and sound, which I think as it is a delightful old city. People quite
glad to see the old man about again. It was Well, MR. NIcuoLAs,
and how does- the world use you, Sir ?" or, it was Quite like old
times, again, Ma. NICHOLAS, isn't it ?" I might, without exaggeration,
have become as tight as-a drum if I had taken half the drinks which
they kindly asked me for to put a tongue to. Backed Lecturer"
right and left. If I win this time, I'll be shot if I ever risk so much
on a single horse again. Seriously think of retiring altogether. Had
a bad touch of rheumatism coming down in the train, through the
folly of an illiterative old country parson, which he would insist on
keeping the window open, and NICHOLAs would have punched his head
for two pins but for my respect for the Church. I daresay as he was
some pauper-struck old Curate, with a couple of hundred a-year, a-
setting up for to be a gentleman and a-turning up of his nose at gents
which could buy him up, over and over again. Told him as I could
see he had had too much for to drink, and as I should mention it to the
guard if he didn't mind his Peace and Cues. He changed carriages at
the next station.
Tuesday morning, 2nd April. Glorious! A delightful morning-
the sun shining in the terrestial hemisphere like a true Orb of Day.
Managed to get a hundred or two more on the game little Lecturer.
Ah, who would change the life of a free and happy Turfite for the
Student's desk, or yet for the Warrior's camp ? You travel about the
country, first class; you see the world, so to speak; you mingle with
the noblest of Britannia's ancient aristocracy, and it is your own fault
if you do not make it pay; and, with good information and an ordi-
nary amount of intelligence, you may really reduce betting almost to a
mathematical certainty. Shall never put quite so much on a single
horse, though, again-it being too risky. Thank goodness, however,
the game little LFcturer is safe to win; and it is positively coining
money for to back him. Deuced glad I didn't tell my Young Friend,
which he might have forestalled me in the market, though I do not
think as he knows much about it.
Tuesday night, 2nd April. Result. If my hand trembles as I write
it down, it is not through drink. I wish it was! I wish there was
nothing worse than Drink!!! What's the matter? Ruin's the
GREAT NORTHAMPTONSHIRE STAKES.
Quick March .. .. .. .. 1
Amanda colt .. .. .. .. 2
Lecturer .. .. .. .. .. 3
Smashed again, by all that's vexatious! Knocked over-bowled
clean out,-me, NICHOLAs, a man as have known the turf for years,-
and all by a rank outsider!! Another blow like this will make the
Prophet non est. The only consolation is that I acted truthful and
fair by my Young Friend, and did not involve him in my own mis-
Wednesday morning, 3rd April. Back again in Belgravia, but I do not
think as I shall be able to stay here long. It have already got about
as I have had misfortunes ; and on coming up in the train, who should
I see but my loathsome and low-lived Relative, perhaps the only man
on the course as had backed Quick March," and which he openly
derided of me. As for the game little Lecturer," here is wishing as
he was boiled alive-the brute NICHoLAS.
P.S.-I shall try and bring myself round again all right by backing
Cambridge for the University Boat Race.
LEARNING THE VERBS.
SIGNIFYING To BE, To Do, OR To SUFFER,"
"To be ?" Well, I followed the track,
That gave me a chance of existence;
But I honestly own, looking back,
That it's prettiest viewed from a distance.
Just now it seems easy and bright,
But I haven't forgotten my scrambles
Over horrible rocks, or the night
That I spent in the midst of the brambles.
At times from the path I might stray,
And thus make the journeying rougher;
But still I was learning the way,
To Be, or to Do, or to Suffer! "
"To do?" I have worked rather hard,
And my present position is cosy;
But I haven't done much as a Bard,
And my prose-well, of course it is prosy!
The schemes and the aims of my youth
Have long from old Time had a floorer,
And I doubt-shall I tell you the truth F
If the world be a penny the poorer I
If you cannot your vanity curb,
You must either, my friend, be a duffer,
Or you haven't yet learnt that a verb
Is To Be, or to Do, or to Suffer I"
"To suffer?" I took my degrees
Long ago in that branch of our lmowledgo,
Where our hearts and our hopes are the foes,
And the universe gprves as a college.
I have had, as it is, rather more
Than the usual share of affliction;
And that much is remaining in store
Is my very decided conviction.
But I find myself growing with years,
Insensibly tougher and tougher;
I can manage, I think, without tears,
To Be, and to Do, and to Sufflr I"
I have stated the facts of the case,
But heaven forbid I should grumblo ;
And I need not complain of a place
That suits my capacities humble.
I have learnt how "to be "-well, a man:
How "to do "-well, a part of my duty:
And in suffering," own that the Plan *
Of the World is all goodness and beauty !
Still at times from the path I may stray,
And thus make the journeying rougher ;
But, it least I am learning the way,
"To Be, and to Do, and to Suffer! "
Coming to the Point.
THE Jamaica Committee had better turn their attention to Ireland,
where the most dreadful atrocities seem to have been perpetrated
during the suppression of the Fenian rising. A most savage small-arm
appears to have been supplied to the Irish con-stab-ulary, for we learn
from the Standard that a witness examined before the Waterford Elec-
tion Committee said:-
"The police repeatedly charged the mob at the point of the bayonet, which was
continued for a distance of 200 or 300 yards."
This terrible bayonet, fixed on an Irish firearm warranted to shoot
round the corner, might well alarm the Fenians !
Latest from the Zoo.
As a slight acknowledgment of the services of M. nU CHAILLU in
the exploration of the Gorilla Country, it is in contemplation to offer
that gentlemen a seat on the Monkey Board-of an omnibus.
The Boilers Abroad.
THE money which has been so needlessly expended on our prepara-
tions for the French Exhibition-which, by the way, bids fair to be a
gigantic fiasco-was surely enough for England to sacrifice. But will
it be believed that one of the chief objects to be exhibited in Paris as
a sample of what we can do is-a model sixty feet square of the South
Kensington Museum ? Fancy a large reproduction of the Boilers as a8
example of English architecture. Oh, COLE, COLB! dear-particularly
dear-to your country, how could you disgrace her thus ?
THE FLEET PRISON.-Racing stables during a hard frost.
50o F UI N-. [APRIL 13, 1867.
AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.
Waiter (on receipt of "a threepenny" as a gratuity) :-" BEG PrIDO, sMi. WOULD YOU 'AVE
MALL COIN IS? YOU CAN SEE BETTER WITH YOUR GLASS THAN I CAN WITH THE NAKED HEYE !
THE G00DNE88 TO TELL ME WHAT THIS
QUITE ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES.
Head of Boot Establish ment:-" BOUGHT 'EM HERE TWO DAYS AGO, AND GONE LIKE THAT, MA'AM! I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT UNLESS-UNLESS
YOU WALKED IN THEM."-(Lady assents.)-"AH! You SEE WE ONLY MAKE FOR CARRIAGE PEOPLE !"
I : *F JIN.-APRIL 13, 1867.
LODGER FRANCHISE v. DUAL VOTING !
Mr. Bull, (to the father of the kldgerfranchise*):-" COME, THOSE TWINS ARE NOT LIKELY TO BE ANY CBEDIT TOp"
YOU, YOU'D BETTER TAKE BACK THIS NEGLECTED CHILD!"
Vide MR. DISRABLI'S speech on the second reading.
APRIL 18, 1-867.]
AN UNAPPRECIATED CRICHTON.
J'owEs has a party to night
But there's no invitation for m.s to it.
People are cutting me quite ;
I shall pay a few visits and see to it.
True, I've a thousand a year,
And am reckoned the pink of propriety;
As to good-looking, ,look here !
Yet I never get on in Society.
'Tis not as though I were shy,
Or unmannered, or not introducible,
Lower bred fellows than I
Have triumphantly gone through the crucible.
Many get polished in time
At the eost of a little anxiety;
What's my particular crime
That I never get. on inSociety ?
Dance P-Well, I think I may say
I'm as graceful a partner as anyone :
Sir, I could caper away
To a whistle-though simply -a penny one.
Sing ?-I could give you a list
Of enormous extent and variety.
Play P-Let me show you my wrist;
Yet I never get on in Society.
Hearing me talk is a treat,
When I take a discourse philosophic up
During the tea, or repeat
Little anecdotes over my coffee-cup.
If you've a passion for puns
I could feed you on them to satiety-
New and original ones;
Yet I never get on in Society.
Two 'er three glasses of wine
Give a spur to good-humour and merriment;
So that, wherever I dine,
I attempt the delightful experiment.
Not that I drink till I lapse
From the paths of the strictest sobriety;
Still, now and then-why, perhaps-
Yet I never get on in Society!
OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
BY MaOr oF oUR EMINENT AUTHORS.
ABD-EL KADER (Sidi-el-Hadji Ouled-Mahiddin). By CAPTAIN M-YNE
R-D. Born in the early part of 1807, in the neighbourhood of Mas-
cara. Valley of Oran, from my boyhood I have known thee well!
Come, reader, let us seat ourselves on the snow-clad summit of the
mighty Atlas. On every side of us are mountain peaks; in front, the
tolerably fertile valley; in the dim distance, the waters of the blue
Mediterranean. Overhead soars the aigle (or eagle). Safe on our
cloudy pinnacle, and liberally provided with fire-arms, we defy thee,
thou tyrant of the air. Ha, ha, thou ravenous bird of prey! Long
resisted the armae Frangaise (French army). Was captured in 1847.
Imprisoned in France. Fair valley of the Seine, I know thee well!
See; yonder goes the humble ouvrier (workman) to the cabaret (public-
house). He quaffs the vin ordinaire (ordinary wine). What a fool he
must be! Released by Louis NAPOLEON in 1852. Resides at Damas-
cus, or somewhere -else in Asia. Valley of the Tigris and Euphrates,
I know thee well! Away, away !
AnnCROnMBY, SIR RALPH. By MR. J-MES H-NNAY. Born in 1738,
a cadet of an ancient and honourable Scottish house, at Tullibodie, in
Clackmannan. Received a liberal education; ingenuas didicisse fideliter,
eh, BRADLAUGH, my boy ? Served against France during the ascend-
ancy of the first NAPOLEON-who fed the revolutionary mob with
blood, as you would offer a churl a black pudding. SIR RALPH natu-
rally resisted him, as became an honourable Conservative gentleman.
Let us at least give our dads their due-not your dad, POTTER, my
son! Let us be fair to them all, following the Ciceronian advice,
"N-eminem ledere, et suum cuique tribuere." (De Oficiis.) Jolly old
M. T. C.! In 1801 received sailing orders for the Mediterranean.
The fine old Caledonian cock was in his sixty-fourth year when, after
quaffing his final tumbler with much punctuality, he fought his last
battle, and thrashed the Frenchman in the classic neighbourhood of
Alexandria. Arms (after the fashion of cantingg heraldry")-"A bear,"
regardant, a quarter loaf, crumby-" crombie," &Sotde. Was buried
at Malta; where Fitz-Cad of the Teapot (gunboat), as he swills cheap
,champagne and chaffers with the Jews under the walls of the Castle of
St. Elmo, thinks no more of the grand old Scottish gentleman than of
the mail-clad knights of the Order of St. John.
AINSWORTH, WILLIAM HARRIBON. BY MR. W-LLIAM H-R eSX
A-NSWonTH. Born at Manchester, in February, 1806. Spent most of
his early life, after once riding to York, in examining the Tower of
London, Windsor Castle, Old St. James', Old St. Paul's, Ovingdean
Grange, and other ancient buildings. Spent most of his later life in
writing the most delightful fictions of the day. His descriptions of
furniture are particularly excellent.
ALISON, SIR ARCHIBALD. BY SIR AnCwH-ALD AL-SON. Many
volumes will be required in the following endeavour to trace, with the
greatest possible succinctness, the career of an historian whose works
will be remembered as. soon as those of MACAULAY, CARLYLE, and
FounsD shall be forgotten. At his birth, in 1792, Europe was just in
the throes of the French Revolution, in eighteen volumes, of which an
abridgement has been published for the use of schools; nor would it
be possible to understand the principles that have chiefly influenced
his career, without a curt summary of the Act of 1826, which, at the
time when SIR ALIsON was still in the prime of manly vigour, inter-
dicted the further issue of one-pound notes. To a brief analysis of
this ill-judged measure, the next three thousand pages will be devoted,
-and it will then be easy for us [No, it won't!-En.]
BROWNING, ROBERT. BY MR. R-BERT Ba-WNING. Not where grey
lichens crumble on the wall, Or lizards through the twisted grass-roots
crawl, Eyes quickly glancing when their sight perceives Insects swift
fluttering through serrated leaves, Glaucous in colour as the weeds that
lie In rocky basins by the ebb left dry Was MR. BiowNzxN born!
Old nurses tell How the boy first saw light at Camberwell, And
stretched his arms, impatient, to the sun. Of many poems that he
wrote, the one Least understood and cared for by the herd Was hight
"Bordello." Critics, with absurd Indifference to merit, swore .that it
Was unintelligible, every bit. He let them rail; RAnai BEN ErTJRA
wrote:-" Star-blossoms, earth-mocked, twinkle." Do you note?
Hence, for the moral of his verse, confess, Incomprehensible its lefti-
ness. So, there's my fable ended; for the rest, Blueflowering borage,
nitrous, is the best.
SONG FOR MUSIC.
I HEARD your voice at early dawn,
When soft the breeze was blowing,
And night's dark curtains were withdrawn
By Phcobus' fingers glowing-
'Twas you, I know, cried "Milk below "-
And then I heard you going.
I hailed your voice, so sweet to me-
It has my pleasure's sum in 'it.
Until down the street, you see,
Your voice comes, all is dumb in it;
For I await my milk at eight,
Because I then take rum in it.
A LITTLE while since, RENE LARTIQUE, a celebrated gourmnn d of
Paris, who spent a third of his life at dinner, died of a fit of indigestion.
The Paris correspondent of one of our contemporaries describes him in
the strongest terms:-
His dress was most wretched-his shoes broken, his trousers torn, his paletot
without any lining and patched, his waistcat without buttons, his bat red rusty
from old age, and the whole surmounted by a dirty white beard."
It is a pity that so great a curiosity could not have been prevailed
on to survive until the Exhibition. We doubt not he might have
realized enough to supply him with dinner all day long, by exhibiting
himself to those who would pay to see a man with a dirty white, beard
growing on the top of his hat.
THE organ of Liberal Constitutionalism or Constitutional Liberalism
(you pay your money for your journal and may take your uhoice-r-one
term means just as much, and as little, as the other) is ably written and
well conducted. It works the particular oracle of its party with tact,
and its criticisms and its literary department generally are good. It
can also appreciate a joke. But when it did us the honour to adopt in
its leader on Tuesday, the 2nd of April, our joke about Ma. MILL and
the Rat-catcher's Daughter Franchise, from our issue of the previous
Wednesday, we should have better appreciated the honour if the
quotation had been acknowledged.
REFLECTION.-By a TCetotaller.
MoDESTY is like a sober flower-it takes no more than its due.
54 F TJ N. [APRIL 13, 1867.
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIC PIHYSIOGNOMIST.
WIGS AND WHISKERS.
HE C. P. has by implication pledged him-
self, as it were, to provide each chapter of
his work with something in the shape of
an epigrammatic heading. Wigs and
'Whiskers" is short and alliterative, and
I? \so far it fulfils the conditions which such a
heading demands. But the C. P. is bound
to admit that as it stands it does not quite
convey an accurate idea of the matters of
which he intends to treat in this chapter.
For "Wigs," read natural heads of hair;
and for "Whiskers," read the hair that
grows on the faces of men, whether that
hair be allowed to grow in its native free-
dom, or whether it be trimmed into the
shape of whiskers, or moustache, or im-
3 perial, or beard, or all, or any of these.
And the C. P. has often had occasion to
remark that many gentlemen of higher
A, consideration than himself, who have ac-
quired a reputation for epigram, continually
find themselves under the necessity of
supplementing their definitions with a dozen lines of explanation
whenever they employ them as the texts upon which they found their
discourses. Epigram is an intellectual short-hand which is tolerably
easy to write, but extremely difficult to understand when once
There lies before the C. P. a volume
which contains the crude notions on the I
subject of Physiognomy, which he gave .
to the world a few years since, and to
which he has more than once had occasion
to refer in contemptuous terms. In that
volume, the curious reader may light upon
a page which is devoted to the considera-
tion of the very matters which form the
subject of the present chapter. It will
supply the curious reader with an interest-
ing study, if he takes the trouble to com-
pare the incoherent expressions of the
C. P.'s then immature ideas on the subject
with the sounder offspring of his ripened
intellect, embodied in the chapter which
he is now engaged in writing.
The C. P. proposes now, as he proposed |
then, to take a hairless man as the basis of
his remarks. But the philosopher's in- I
creased experience in the study of Man- i
kind has taught him to take a much wider
view of the subject of hair and beard than
he did on the twelfth day of December, eighteen hundred and sixty-
three. It has taught him that the hair and beard, although they
modify the human countenance to an astonishing degree, must not be
taken by themselves alone. They must be taken in connection with
bearing of their wearers, which are affected
by the same influences as those which
affect the disposition of the hair upon the
head and face. There is a certain form of
whisker which is associated only with a
particularly prim style of dress ; a certain
form of beard which is always to be found
in company with a loose and slovenly
costume, and so forth. Show the C. P. a
man's face. and he will tell you how he is
dressed. He may be wrong in matters of
unimportant detail, but his general im- )
pression as to the man's dress will be
correct. Influenced by these considera-
tions, he has not only taken a hairless ,
man as his propositus, but he has taken
a man who is not only hairless but un-
clothed. He has wrapped him, for pro-
priety's sake, in a blanket, and stuck him
into the initial T to this chapter, because
he is the text upon which the philosopher's 4
discourse is to turn. The C. P. will
assume, as he assumed in 1863, that the
gentleman in the blanket is a popular 2
actor, who is going to "make up" for J
nine different characters. To accomplish
this, he has whiskers, moustachios, beards,
and imperials of several varieties, together !-
with the costumes necessary to his pur-
pose. The 0. P. does not propose to dilate
upon the characteristics of his various
disguises. He has sketched them in the
margin, and, after a few words of intro-
duction, he proposes to allow them to tell
their own tales.
He begins, say, with No. 1, who is a
decent mechanic. It is difficult to say why
the decent mechanic prefers to shave his
cheeks and his upper lip, and to allow the
hair to grow around and beneath his chin
as it pleases, just as it is difficult to trace 4
the origin of any class custom so accurately
as to be able to assign a reason for it. i
No. 2 is, say, a Cabinet Minister. The '
difference between the appearance of the
Cabinet Minister and the decent mechanic is entirely due to such
causes as every actor has at his command. The C. P. has taken the
same bare head for both subjects, and the difference between them is
attributable entirely to wig, whiskers, and costume.
No. 3 is, perhaps, a getter up of public companies. The same head
but with the showy hair, active, mobile eyebrow, and flashy whisker
of an ad captantum orator.
No. 4 is a Linesman. His whiskers and moustache are trimmed to
order. He has very little option in the matter. His hair is neces-
sarily kept short, and he is obliged
to keep his chin free from beard.
Shave him, strip him, and wrap him in
a blanket, and he is our friend in the /
No. 6 is a Civil Engineer, or, perhaps
a Contractor. His full, rough beard
is usually associated with rough, loose
clothes, and a rough, untidy hat. He
has a great deal too much upon his
mind to allow of his wasting a minute
for the consideration of so unimportant
a matter as his personal appearance.
Anything that is big and loose, and
will allow him plenty of room to move
about in, will do for him.
No. 6 is an artist, and belongs to a
peculiar type of semi-fashionable artist
which affects a French or Italian ex-
terior. It is difficult to understand
how any Englishman, who has ever
seen a Frenchman, could possibly wish
to dress like one; but the 0. P. ac-
cepts the fact as he finds it. Artists,
singers, and acrobats are the only
people, as far as his observation
APmIL 13, 1867.]
has extended, who, being Englishmen, wish to be mistaken for
No. 7 is a literary beard, and a literary head of hair.
No. 8 is another artistic head, but
of a totally different kind to No. 6.
It belongs to a member of the vigor-
ous and sensational school of artist.
People of this school cultivate a semi-
savage exterior-fling aside the con-
ventionalities of society as well as
art, and clothe every simple action with
an assumed eccentricity which is part of
their stock in trade.
No. 9 is a whisker and head of hair
of the truest policemanic type. Take
this particular whisker, and this par-
ticular head of hair, and associate it
with a bishop's lawn, or surmount it
with a regal diadem, or send it out
for a walk with a Roman toga, and
you will find that its policeman's nature
will assert itself as strongly as ever. --f- |
It is a wig and whisker that could
not exist except in association with .
a blue coat and a number on the collar.
A TERRIBLE DISCOVERY.
FALSE EARS of flesh colour-india-rubber-have been invented for the use of
ladies with large ears. They are used in front of the real ears, which are drawn
back and concealed under the hair."-Court Journal.
AH fairest of maidens, with masses of hair,
Down-falling-so classic !-to cover your eyes,
I know for my coming, dear, how you prepare,
And arrange for your curtsey and charming surprise.
When I bashfully greet you and enter the room-
With a hope for your welcome that's tempered with fear-
There's one thing that fills me with terrible gloom,
And there's that on the table I dare not come near.
I have loved you so long that each charm of your face
Is indelibly printed, sweet maid, on my heart,
I have watched you grow ever in maidenly grace,
And nothing my love from your image can part.
I am true to my word, but what's this that I see ?
I am bound to adore you for ever, and yet
There's a sight on the table that's dreadful to me,
Your ears in the workbox!-explain it, my pet.
You say india-rubber, and own that you wear
That terrible thing where your ear was before,
How often devotion I've ventured to-swear
To that ear so inanimate; now never more
My lips near the side of your head shall be placed-
Excuse a huge tear, but I've reason to blubber;
For never was man so undone and disgraced,
To think that I've loved and caressed india-rubberl
SPELL the Grecian Archipelagoin three letters! You can't? Why
E. G. and C., of course.
GEOGRAPHICAL BOOK MAKERS."
I ly a fagots et fiugots; there are scientific societies and scientific
societies. Some have for their object the advancement of human
knowledge, or the utilization of such knowledge as has already been
acquired. Others are devoted to the wiling away of idle evenings, by
means of sensational novelties, or the glorification of tuft-hunting
chairmen, who are always parading before the public their "most dis-
The Royal Geographical Society is well-known for its fashionable
evening amusements. Its managers endeavour to provide an attractive
bill of fare for every evening meeting. Of late, however, the enter-
tainments have been very slow, and the attendance of visitors pro-
portionately decreased. But a tragedy, over which all England mourns,
had been enacted in a foreign land. One of the bravest and best of
her sons had been struck down by a savage hand, and LIVINGBTONEI
was no more. This was one of those occasions out of which capital
could be made, and the members of the society were informed that
they were to be favoured with a LIVINOSTONE evening." After all,
there was nothing to be said or done with which the public were not
already acquainted, and the directors of the entertainment endeavoured
to eke out the programme by adding a burlesque to the tragedy.
Sie SAMUEL BAKER entered into the performance with great spirit,
when he stated that the President, although ho did not wish to win
money, offered to bet a largo stake that ]). LIVINGSTONE- was not dead.
The inuendso was received with much laughter, which was greatly in-
creased when SIR RODEnRICK MIIuncrsoN corrected his most distin-
guished friend," and stated that he had only offered to take long odds
against DR. LIVINGSTONE'S being alive.
Our readers must not think that we are fooling. These were the rites
that were celebrated by the President and Members of the Royal
Geographical Society in memory of one of the noblest and most fearless
travellers that ever left the shores of England. If we must have pseudo-
scientific after-dinner meetings, lot them, at least, be conducted with
decency. Those of the Geographical Society are not held in any high
respect by scientific men, who object to see the inarticulate English-
men, that yet have surmounted dangers in every part of the world,
dragged on their feet to be stared at through opera glasses like wild
beasts; and this for no evident purpose but to enable the Chairman of
the evening to claim them as his most distinguished friends."
3nsO.c to Co srre nbgii.
[We cannot return rejected 188. or sketches unless they are accom-
panied ly a stamped and directed envelope.]
SILENTIA must pardon us if we don't give consent.
"THE LAY OF THE BOAT RACE" is respectfully declined. Odds on
Oxford" is the lay we believe in.
S. E., Luton.-But instead of "soluton" we must say adieu!
HUNGARIAN DEAK.-Deak-lined with thanks.
BEN, Holborn.-We could not do it, if you were Ben Nevis himself.
DASH.-Not up to our standard-a high-fun.
JUSTITIA.-What do you wish to say fie! at ?
A YOUNG BEGINNER" had better leave off as soon as possible.
AN INQUISITIVE ROSEBUD.-We are not in a position, just yet, to answer.
PAISLEY.-We shawl not be able to use it.
H., Newport.-Too late.
ROOUEE's jokes are too roodee-mental.
W. M., Winchester, writes that he "encloses A few riddles, and hTpas
they will meet our Approval," and adds, "An Answer will oblige." We
wish we could add another capital Aye" instead of a No."
GuSTAVUS ADOLPHUS.-No use.
STEREO A. A.-Don't!
SCRUTATon.-Good boy! If you go on like this, you'll be qualified as a
reader in a printing office.
C. C. P. says if we "consider the enclosed worth inserting," we are to "do
sounder the assumed name of Herminius." We do not see why we should
assume that name-even supposing we were silly enough to insert the lines.
BRUM evidently can't see the point of a joke.
JACEKAY is not likely to suit, so had better save his time and ours.
W. L. G., Earl's-court, tells us that "little natural oozings manifest
themselves from his humble brain." It must be softening, but that is no
reason why he should send his oozings to be an-oozance to us.
Declined with thanks-Septimus Meek; Constant Reader; Dick; A
Weekly Subscriber; W. P. ; Paddy ; A Loiger; A; Sligo; Fun Ma
Coul; W. G. T., Deptford; XIT; A Customer; Anti-Intolerancee
Moderation; R. B., Manchester; F. D.; "Harry Seymour; Euclid
Pipps; Horeb; A. S. S. ; Mephistopholes; Q in a Corner; Walter; Cad-
mium Yellow; R. W.; Garottee; K C.C. LI. ; T. S. B., Edinburgh;
N.E. P.; R. K.; G. 13. W.; Quiz; S. J. S. L ; Pool; J. J. Manchester;
R. G., Bath; A. WV.; "Elizabeth Briggs;" Desmotes; I. J. L.,
Timperley; G. H. N.; B. B. HI. M.; W. W.; B. Y., Croydon; S. T.
Tig I. A., Charlton in Medlock ; G. D., junr, Edinburgh; L. M.
Prisoners' Base; W. II. D.; H. Z. F.; B. W. M., Liverpool; H. D.,
[APRIL 13, 1867.
THE SOCIETY OF BRITISH ARTISTS.
SCEmE-the Gallery. VIATOR is discovered with a catalogue in his hand,
staring wildly at the walls. To him enter SCRaTATOR.
SCRUTATOR.-" Give thee good den Art studying these pictorial
phantasies, Oh, VIATOn ?"
VIATO.-" Ay, marry, that am I. What think you of the show ?"
Sc.-" 'Tis a passing good show, and such an one as I cannot
mind me to have seen this many a long day."
Vi.-" Here be hugely good painting, i' faith. I would I were
Sc.-" Nay, never be discontented! But, come, we will make the
grand tour of the Gallery. This Beau's Stratagem,' now, is a clever
picture. 'Tis deftly limned, and the yellow velvet of the gallant's
doublet is e'en excellent."
Vi.-" And the maiden's garb, too, is charming-who is the painter F"
Sc.-" BARNES !"
Vi.-" Not the Common evidently-he's above that. Here now is
a noble work by COLE. Of a truth the sunlight is ably done."
Sc.-" It is. And, methinks, LUnovici hath well portrayed the
seclusion of the cloister hero."
Vi.-" He hath, of a truth. But did you mark another canvas by
BuRI in yonder chamber, the presentment of a lad nursing his little
brother ? "
Sc.-" It did not .escape me. It is a prettily-conceived work. But
there be some rare gems in the smaller apartments, notably a twilight
by the sea, which BARNES hath painted."
VI.-" 'Tis infused with the very spirit of true poesy. Dost not
think THnot paints well ? See the pilferers here in the orchard by
Sc.-" Good, truly. And these other marauders by PAsQuian. But
let us not pass by the Contested Election,' set down with skill by
IITCHIE. 'Tis an artful bit of work. But what ails you ? Are you
smit with the falling sickness ?"
Vi.-" Lead me hence, I prithee!" [Viator leads him away.
Sc.-" What has affected thee so strangely ?"
Vi.-" I am no sailor, good SCRUTATOR, and the sight of that sea
as HATEs hath painted it hath made me as qualmish as if I were
aboard a Margate boat. The fellow paints ocean pestilently well!"
Sc.--" And makes thee plaguy ill. But come, take heart of grace,
and let us go see how quietly the Thames looks when C. J. Lews
limneth it of a calm evening."
Vi.-" Aye, that is more to my taste, and minds me of the time
when I was wont to wet a line with good MASTER IZAAK WALTON."
Sc.-" Here be noble moonlight passages in GILBERT'S picture. What
say you ?"
VI.-" It beseemeth me I have seen the like before, or what nearly
Sc.-" You must go look at DONALDSON'S Roman view, if ye must
needs have originality and novelty."
VI.-" I took note of it but just now. It is ill placed, but 'tis brim-
full of truth and reality. It likes me much."
Sc.-" Where be the critics one is wont to meet at the private views,
Master VIATOR ? By my halidome, I have not clapt eyes on one this
Vi.-" There be other galleries open privately this day, and since
they belong to dealers the critics have flocked thither."
So.-" Is it so ? It seems it would'be more becoming to do honour
to a Society of Artists first, and go honour the dealers afterward."
Vi.-" Aye, marry; but Societies don't give dinners and bals
masques, the which your dealer doth at times."
Sc.-" Say you so P Then my faith in critics is like to come to
Vi.-" Mine cannot be diminished."
Sc.-" How so ?"
Vi.-" That is the point-which, as gossip Euclid putteth it, hath no
size nor magnitude."
Sc.-" You are pleased to be satiric. But now let us go and drink
beer. It is a performance full of pleasure after a picture-gallery."
Vi.-" Spoken like a philosopher. I am with you! Dost know a
handy hostel ? "
Se.-" Within a petronel's shot of this. What say you of the
gallery as a whole ? "
Vi.-" The best exhibition I have seen here this age. But see what
a capital collection of water-colours we have yonder? "
Sc.-" 'Tis a capital gathering, and one that might run alone instead
of following on the heels of the other department."
Vi.-" It might, of a verity. Bat we must not linger."
So.-" Have with you! [xeount.]
Lo .uon: Pl'n..d by JUDD & GLASS, Phanix Works, 8M. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleot-street, E.C.-
April 13, 1867.
APRIL 20, 1867.]
NIPT IN THE BUD.
SCENE.-A Ball-room abroad.
Young Fitz attachh, late clerk at the Tape and Sealing-wax Office) :-" YAAS
-WATHER WIDE MYSELF ON MY FLOWERS. USED TO COST ME FIFTY rOUNDS
A-YEAW WHEN I WAS AT.THE AWFFICE."
Guileless Being:-" DEAR ME; How VERY LITTLE YOU MUST HAVE HAD
TO LIVE ON "
OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
Two publications which bear upon the Paris Exhibition lie before us.
The Art-Journal supplements its usual contents with an illustrated
catalogue, which is got up in admirable style. To judge from the
accounts received from Paris, we should say that purchasers of the
Art-Journal this month will have seen more of the Exhibition than the
season-ticket holders have as yet, for the catalogue is profusely illus-
trated. The subjects are chosen with taste, and drawn and engraved
with skill. The other portion of this long-established Art publication
is up to its usual standard.
MESSRS. JOHNSON AND SON'S Complete Official Catalogue is very hand-
somely turned out. Its exterior appearance is certainly more pleasing
than that of the huge shed whose contents it enumerates. Our readers
would not believe us if we were to say that we have read the volume
carefully, so we will not say so. But we may venture unhesitatingly
to assert that it is just the sort of book one is likely to take up at odd
intervals-and put down again.
WE have received from MIESSRS. ROUTLEDGE AND SONS the first
number of The Book of Pigeons, by MESSRS. TEGETMEIER AND HAR-
RISON WEIR, with coloured portraits-not of the gentlemen, but of the
birds, of course. MR. WEIR is the artist par excellence for the work,
and MR. TEGETMEIER is a profound and sound student in Natural
History, and has turned his attention specially to pigeons. We are
not aware whether he is the author of those touching lines-
How happy the little birds must lie,
With their legs sticking out of the crust of a pie!"
but we should be inclined to attribute them to him.
THE same publishing firm also send us two of their Household
Manuals. The first is How to Preserve Fruit. The only plan we ever
found to answer was to put broken bottles on the top of the garden-
WHAT do I care if it's MaILDRED or MILLICENT P
MILLY's your pet and diminutive name-
Casual glances to torture or kill I sent,
Language of looks is a dangerous game.
Friends we were both when our silly eyes met, you know,
Only a night ago, still it's absurd,
Knowing we've heard of each other, and yet, you know,
Neither exchanged a soft whisper or word.
Conventionalities preached by society,
Cannoned against us and left us in baulk;"
Gave us of chattering friends a satiety,
When we were longing to cut them and talk.
Classical fable has told us of TANTALUS,
Trying for ever to moisten his lips;
Bother the simile-shadows that mantle us,
Warn us that fate is unsteady and trips.
Love, like the Danaid daughters or Dryades,
Sports, or with water fills treacherous jars,
Better exist like the fabulous Pleiades-
Doves for a moment and afterwards stars!
Facts we shall find leave a nauseous sediment,
Fancies are better a thousand times o'er;
Were we to meet you might fall from your pediment,
I might in turn prove a horrible bore.
ON A NEW PARTY.
WHY by the name of Peacock's tail,"
A certain party they should hail,
Can cause us no surprise!
Each individual opinion,
Sets up for separate dominion-
It's all made up of I's."
But where so many leaders are,
Would it not wiser be, by far,
To call it "Heads and Tails ?"
Or let us call it "Cranborne Alley,"
The cave whence issues many a sally
That Government assails.
Oh, no! The Peacock title's best-
There is prophetic interest
With that description blent;
For should the' Ministry go out
The Peacock party, past a doubt,
Will be peahen-itent!
wall, lock the gate, and lose the key. The second manual is Good
Food: What it is, and How to Get it. This ought to be popular at the
price, for there are thousands of people whose chief difficulty in life is
"how to get food "-good, bad, or indifferent. A handbook of Fishing,
also issued by MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE, seems admirably adapted for its
purpose-a guide to angling for boys. We should recommend MESSRS.
ROUTLEDOE to dedicate the next edition to the CIANCELLOt OF THE
EXCHEQUER, who is, if we may believe MB. BERNAL OSBORNE, an adept
at the gentle craft.
Laboratory v. Gasworks.
A NEW scientific journal, the Laboratory, which is intended to record
the results of the investigations and experiments of Science, makes the
Dr. Frankland's course of lectures on coal gas has unseated the popular belief
respecting the conditions of luminosity of a gas-flame. They have also disturbed
the peace of the London Gas Companies.
The popular belief touching the luminosity of a gas-flame is-thanks
to the gas companies-that there is precious little of it. We are glad
to hear that the peace of the gas companies is threatened, for they have
thrown a gloom over every household that used their gas, and ought to
suffer for it.
An Oared Row.
WHAT a pity it is the fair sex is so quarrelsome! A ladies' boating
club has been set afoot-we should say afloat-at Warwick, and it is
reported that the members have already had several "rows* on the
Query, by Printer's D.:-Perhaps the row" intended is soti, like a herring's.
VOL. T. P
[APRIL 20, 1867.
BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
H E month of
April is famous
for surprises of
able nature. It
a/ a is ushered in by
a day on which
Syou are re-
quested to look
at a rent in your
coat, and then,
on looking down,
are saluted with,
Oh! you April
Fool!" Or you
go out in your
new spring suit,
and are caught in
a shower, Oh !
you April Fool!"
With these prece-
dents before us, we
can hardly be sur-
prised that the
leader of the Op-
Shield a meeting to
determine on the
line to be adopted by the Liberal party, should on the very night of,
the debate, when he had his course cut and dried, be intercepted in the
lobby, by a deputation from a small tea-room party, with the observa-
tion, Oh! you"- Well, Oh! you seasonable politician 1" Whether
the month has other surprises in store for other people, at present there
is no saying, but I don't think we shall reach May without some more
startling and unforeseen novelties.
THERE has been some correspondence in the Oxford Times on a sub-
ject to which I alluded some time since--the conduct of some of the
undergraduates at the lectures and entertainments at the Town Hall.
I am sorry to think there is no improvement. "A Citizen" writes on
the subject endorsing the remarks of the reporter, who had animad-
verted on the indecorous behaviour of some of the "young gentlemen"
at a recent entertainment. Catcalls, hisses, stampings, groanings,
curses, and coarse and offensive remarks" are enumerated, and it is
stated that a lady who was singing was not spared such insults. The
young men are also described as paying for the back seats, and forcing
themselves into the reserved places, attacking the man in charge when
he remonstrated, and overpowering him by numbers. This letter, I
regret to say, stands uncontradicted, a Master of Arts writing to
admit and deplore the charges, and suggest that the entertainments
shall no longer be sanctioned. Such a step would be one of great
unfairness to the inhabitants of the town, who surely ought not to be
debarred from rational amusements because Alma Mater cannot
lick her cubs into shape. It seems to me that if undergraduates were
forbidden to go to the Town Hall without taking and booking places
beforehand the difficulty would be met, and the only inconvenience in
the arrangement would be experienced by those who make such a step
necessary. While I am grumbling, let me add a protest against the
betting spirit which has of late marked the Oxford and Cambridge
Boat-race. Books are made on the event, and the speculations have in
some cases assumed gigantic proportions. It is a very lamentable thing
that the money element should become a chief feature of the brotherly
contest between the two Universities. When it becomes a question
of lucre instead of laurels, the race loses its principal charm, and the
crews are reduced to the unenviable position of Derby cracks, that it
is worth the while of unprincipled men to try and hocus.
I wENT to the Lyceum the other night to see the revival of The
Duke's Motto. What a capital play it is! The plot is told with clear-
ness and vigour, and every act is constructed on true principles. It
is quite refreshing to come back to so genuine a piece after the trash of
the sensation dramas we get nowadays. FECHTER, still plays Lagardbre
with the same go and spirit-and the same tenderness-as ever.
THE -Excelsior Readings, published by MR. Mlummy, to which I
alluded some time since, have reached a fourth part, and the pub-
lished series lies before me. 'Ihe selections seem judiciously made,
and are arranged with every care. The binding, to which notice is
particularly drawn, is a novelty intended to ensure strength and dura-
bility, two qualities which will recommend themselves to parents and
guardians, though they may not command much popularity among
SIR MORTON PETO, according to promise, got up in the House the
other night to ask for an inquiry into the affairs of the London,
Chatham, and Dover Railway. The motion, as might have been ex-
pected, was refused, so the honourable gentleman had to carry his
bucket of whitewash out again. He was much buttered by the leaders
on both sides, but unfortunately that does not help in any way to re-
move the cloud which envelopes the matter, and we are no wiser than
we were, for in introducing his motion, SIR MORTON was particular to
avoid explaining some of the mysteries. When he had tried and-no
doubt to his great disappointment-failed, there came a fracas, touch-
ing a motion for an inquiry into the doings of the Grand Trunk Rail-
way in Canada. If one may judge from a pamphlet, containing a re-
port of a recent meeting, the Grand Trunk seems to be in the wrong
DIPLGoATISTS darkly dissemble,
And prove that the wrong may be right,
But one puny nation will tremble
When England goes forth to the fight.
The insult she did to our banners,
Will cost her some sorrow perchance;
TJnless she amends her bad manners,
We'll lead her a terrible dance.
We learn't him at school,
When in youthful condition;
I think, as a rule,
MERIVALE'S the edition.
A word-beloved by many a necromancer,
\With. curious transformations for an answer.
.It lay athwart his path, and-so he trod
The vile intruder deep into the sod.
Tidings from every nation to his store
Come in a constant current evermore.
Oh! fairest maiden that poetic art
E'er limned, of noble mould and tender heart;
Women now seek the suffrage, Ma. MILL
Their champion,-you'd have voted for his bill.
Greater than the monarch's crown,
Thrones imperial casting down,
While a young bard of thee sung
Poems in the German tongue.
Her true love suffered sad eclipse,
She died upon her lover's lips.
ANSWER TO ACRoSTIe No. 4.
A Aloof F
P Portfolio 0
R Romeo 0
I Icolmkill L
L Laundress S
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 4, RECEIVED 10TH APRIL, 1867.-R. A.,
Charlton; Raoul; J. W.; Gobbles; Craigeilachie ; Spectre Pig; Cerovino; E.F.;
Pelusethy; Snuff-box; A. G. B. atd C. D. G.
A Great Gun.
THE Reform Bill of the late Liberal Ministry was condemned as a
single-barrelled bill. The present Government were so determined that
the same epithet should not be applied to their measure, that they
introduced duality of franchise, so that theirs was a double-barrelled
bill with a vengeance. We doubted, however, whether such duplicity
would be persisted in.
Stirring him up with the Wal-pole.
ALTHOUGH the Home Secretary has respited WAGER, it is no odds,
for he has not proved himself TooMIER-ciful.
(An Intercepted Communication addressed to the Editor of NOTES AND
SIR,-I have just lighted upon the following curious extract from a
Venetian newspaper of that indefinite time known as "the period,"
from which you will see that Parliamentary language-which some-
times conceals the thoughts, and always amplifies the expression-is
not peculiar to these later days, but prevailed in those from which
Shakespeare drew his materials for the tragedy of Othello." The
discovery is also valuable as illustrating that disdain of originality
which is one of the most daring characteristics of the Immortal Bard.
I need scarcely add that the speech, reported in modern style, is that
of the Moor to the Venetian Council upon the subject of his elopement
with Desdemona. I give it textually as it stands in the debate.
"General Othello, Commanding in Chief, then rose, and ad-
dressing the most potent, grave, and reverend signors-if they would
allow him to call them so-said that he (the hon. and gallant gen-
tleman) was free to confess that he had taken away the old man's
daughter; it was also true that he had entered into a matrimonial
alliance with that lady; but this he considered to be the extent of his
responsibility. He admitted that his manner might be wanting in
suavity, and deficient in the conventional modes of expression which
belong to a tranquil state of existence. For since his (the hon. and
gallant gentleman's) arms had advanced to so approximate a period of
maturity as the age of seven years, until their present condition,
which had been one of comparative inactivity for the space of nine
months, they had employed the action in which his fondest affections
were concentrated, in fields of battle adjacent to the encampments of
the army which he had the honour to command. He (the hon. and
gallant gentleman) was competent to speak but to a limited extent of
- the great world-not, indeed, in a more extended degree than would
relate to martial achievements; and he considered, therefore, that he
should add but little to the object he had in view by attempting the
advocacy of his own interests. Nevertheless, he was prepared,
without, he hoped, unnecessary intrusion upon the patience of the
assembly, to make a statement (which he could assure them should
be distinguished by rotundity, and characterized by an absence of
artificial adornment) of the entire career of his affection, including
the nature of the chemical preparations, the inducements of an il-
legitimate character, nay more, the illegal processes (for these entered
into the scope of the impeachment) by which he had been enabled to
appropriate to himself the most affectionate manifestations of the lady
who stood in the relation of daughter to the hen. and aggrieved
I need not trouble your readers with the rest of the speech. The
above will be sufficient, I hope, to satisfy lovers of parliamentary
language, as well of future editors of Shakespeare-if such infatuated
beings as the latter are possiblein the present day.-Yours, &c.,
(I enclose my card, not necessarily for publication, but as a guaran-
tee of my nonentity.)
Is this a dagger P" etc.
Is this MAzzmiae, we should like to know ?
A GOOD STABBING BOY
WANTED-age about 14.-Apply, etc.
It is high time the police interfered, when assassins are thus publicly
THim leenion Lyrique of Brussels have organised a dramatic per-
formance for the benefit of "The Society for giving Medicine to the
Poor, gratis! The idea is a good one, and the plan a very suitable
one-many is the dose we have had at a theatre in our time !-N.B.
The reader having paid his penny for his copy, may take his choice
whether he shall pronounce the s in "dose" as a "z" or no.
Nbtes and Queries.
DANTE was an Italian poet. His wife was much given to music,
and her name still survives in many musical compositions-it was
ANN-DANTE, but he always called her BEATRICE for short.
The representation of Minorities is much talked of. An instance of
it may be found in the present Bankruptcy Laws, in which the minority
is clearly represented, it being taken for granted that all bankrupts are
honest until proved to be the contrary.
IT will be noticed that though seers are ordinarily supposed to be
wise, overseers are seldom found to be overwise.
THE grain that is up earliest-Sun-ryes.
OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
BY MOST OF OUR EMINENT AUTHORS.
N.B.-In compliance with the wishes of a quarter of a million correspondents
who have written to us on the subject, we promise not to follow a strictly alpha-
betical order. The names of the authors will in future be given (by request).
BRIGHT, JOHN, M.P. By PROFESSOR GOLDWIN SMITi and SmI
ARCHIBALD ALIsox (in conjunction). This illustrious benefactor of his
native land first saw the light in 1811 ; and, ever since, his career has
been one of unmitigated mischief. It has been his constant object to
promote the welfare of the down-trodden millions; and, by setting
class against class, to provoke all the horrors of revolution. His
eloquent voice has always been raised on behalf of the poor; and, like
other manufacturing tyrants, he is notorious for cruelty to his own
workpeople. Of late years his political influence has rapidly increased;
and there is every reason to believe that he will soon be relegated to
that congenial obscurity from which he ought never to have emerged.
Still in the full prime of manly vigour, wo may fairly anticipate for
MR. BRIGHT a long and honourable career; but the burly agitator's
failing health may at any moment remove him from the scene of his
mischievous activity. His diction has long been considered a model
of pure and Saxon English ; whilst his turgid and tumid vituperations
have earned for him the apt nickname of "the foul-mouthed Quakor."
He is a devoted friend of peace; nor has there over been a more
quarrelsome and vindictive politician. In the House of Commons he
is supported by a devoted band of staunch political adherents, of
whom the most remarkable is Mn. LEATHAM ; and he is now deserted
by all except a few desperate incendiaries, of whom the most notorious
is a AMR. LBATHAM, formerly unseated for bribery and corruption. MR.
JouN BRIGHT'S brother, JACOB, is also a well-known advocate of
political and social reform; the reckless demagogue having unscrupu-
lously led even the members of his own family circle into the evil
course that he himself pursued. Further eulogy of this illustrious
man would be superfluous; and happily wo need not trouble ourselves
any longer with this fiend in human shape.
BRADLAUGH. See ICONOCLAST;" and yet, why take the trouble
to do so ? On Ma. BRADLAUGH'S own principles of historical criticism,
there is not the slightest reason to suppose that he ever existed. If he
did, or if he does, so much the worse! Moral :-Kep out of his way,
my young friend! There are worse politicians than B]aADLAUGHx ; but,
thank goodness, very few Committed suicide in 1867, after reading
a biographical notice of himself in FUN. Was buried in Westminster
Abbey, with a stake through his body, by the kind intercession of a
bishop whom he had frequently abused. This story seems dubious.
Everything is dubious according to BUADRAUOn. The probability is
that BRADLAUGH was only a Myth. It don't matter!
BUTLER, SAMUEL. By His SHeAE. (Communsicated.)
As Alchymist who scans his crucible,
Hoping that ore is thence producible,
First takes a lump of baser metal,
And pops it plump into his kettle,
Then stirs it round and lete it settle,
Or watches it boil over, humbly
In hopes that gold may neathh the scum lie,
And afterwards the process tells us
Like to the wizard PARACELSUS;
Or, rather, as sagacious leech
Picks pois'nous herbs, and takes from each,
By process strange of distillation,
Ingredients fit for fermentation,
With joy as great, this physic-nmixer,
As he who brews the Grand Elixir,
He dreams at night of pill and bolus
As alchymist of bright PACTOLUS !
So BUTLER, scorning Covenanters,
And' hating Conventicle canters,
Just took from each what each had worse,
And fused them in satiric verse,
Hoping to make-not you or mc sick-
But either gold or wholesome physic!
Physic, indeed, he made, for drastic
Were all his couplets Hudibrastic;
But as for gold, by Fortune's whim,
No gold came ever near to him! I
For King and Church he used his weapons,
And got for's pains more kicks than ha'poncea I
Born at Strensham in Worcestershire, 1612. Died in Rose-stroeet,
A Tall bit of News.
OUR readers will be pleased to hear that a tell-ye-giraffe-ic despatch
reports the shipment of a number of fine animals to replace those
lately destroyed by fire at the Zoological Gardens, ItRgent's-park.
APRIL 20, 1867.]
60 F U N. [Arm 20, 1867.
THE BOAT RACE.
BY A THAMES SWAN
I WONDER what it all means! Year after year, just as the leaves are
coming out, and a fellow really begins to enjoy his swim of a morning,
all the neighbourhood seems to go downright mad. If you go out
with your wife, for instance-or take, say, a few cygnets (in a ring)
for a bathe-down upon you comes a horrible machine. I know 'em,
ugh ; know 'em well; but I can't make out why they do it. There's
that young rascal, TOTTENHAM; many's the time I've seen him with a
sort of plucky grin all over his face; why does he come here bothering
me and mine, when he had much better stay at home, like a good boy,
reading the Fathers ? Later in the year one gets used to it. A boat
more or less don't matter, out of twenty or thirty at a time; but then,
like sensible people, the London oarsmen wait until it's nice and warm.
What do you think though, yourself, of maniacs like the Oxford crew,
who went out for practice" in a gale of wind, and nearly swamped
the boat ? Oh; you call it plucky, do you ? Call it what you like !
Get out! I call it ridiculous. Then, look at the crowds that come
down, days and days before the race; well, I once knew a very
respectable Pigeon, who had been taken down to see the Derby, and he
told me that a boat-race crowd, compared to an Epsom mixture, is
rather a select assembly of ladies and gentlemen. Oh yes; I dare
say. Why, blow my web-feet, and shiver my tendons,
look at 'em-rushing along the towing-path like maniacs ; look at the
fat old boys, with clean shaven faces, and rosy gills, and white chokers,
putting on a spurt, and cheering until they get red in the face. Red ?
Red's a fool to it! Call it scarlet and purple gone mad, and then
you'll describe a faint blush compared to those old ecclesiastical fea-
tures Don't tell me. You leave me alone. I know what I'm talk-
ing about. Get out! And then, the girls-the finest girls in society,
I am told. I wonder whether they will ever get fond of me, those
interesting social LDans! My dear, you leave me alone! .
Bless 'em! Look at their little boots-no webbed feet there, eh, old
girl ? Eh,. Mrs. S. P Flop! Flop! Flop! Boots at the Swan,"
eh? 'Pon honour, Mrs. S., not so bad, not so bad! Look
here, though: a race is a race, well and good. Human race, ornitho-
logical race, Oxford and Cambridge race: exactly: all that's right
enough;-but oh, you steamboats, oh, you muzzy captains," oh, you
gaping Cockneys-there, it don't do to talk about! Coming up here at
a shilling a head, and nearly running over the "eights "-get out!
Not that I've much reason to love the "eights," you know; and I
don't. At least, I try not to. But so sure as ever that Saturday
morning of all the Saturday mornings in the year comes round, why,
well or ill, I manage to get a cosy berth somewhere in the neighbour-
hood-and I hear them coming, coming, lashing through the water,
I hear cheers on the bank, I bear even that brutal puffing and wheez-
ing of the steamboats; and, by Jove-an old mythological friend of
yours, Mrs. S. !-by Jove, if it were not for physical impossibilities and
the fear of making myself ridiculous, I should shout, Go it, Oxford !"
and stick a dark blue feather in my tail!
AMUSEMENT COMBINED WITH INSTRUCTION.
I Instruction.-ME. GL*DST*NE.
I The Combination.-BY A PARTY IN THE TEA-ROOM.
j APRIL 20, 1867.]
NICHOLAS IN THE DUMPs.
MY DEAn YOUNG FRIEND.-Misfortune jolly soon oozes out, and you
will see as my Gentleman of the Press have already turned against
me, he only providing me with a single word for a motto out of old
SHAKESPEARE, and which it is all very well for poets to say Back,"
but suppose you have backed, and the luck have gone against you, and
your credit beginning to be shy ? There is no knowing how human
affairs will turn out, and the Prophet may yet pull himself square on
coming events; but, my dear young man, I will not disguise it from
you that NIcHOLAS have lost, and heavily.
It says in a daily paper, where I daresay it was put in by some of
my individuous detractors: The Newmarket Handicap, following in
the groove of the other Spring events" (though NICHOLAS do not quite
see how a handicap can follow in a groove) "resulted in the veriest
outsider in the betting winning anyhow. Such a season of reverses to
backers, and floorers to prophets, has surely never been known, and
what will become of both of these ill-used classes of the Sporting
Community if their bad luck continues is a melancholy conjecture."
Oh, it's a "melancholy conjecture," is it ? Very good, my daily paper;
I am glad ye think so. Speaking personally, I do not consider it as a
matter of "conjecture;" it seems to me a certainty-in point of fact,
"a moral." The course of NICHOLAS, thank goodness, is tolerably
clear. If fortune should again declare against him, he will be quite
willing to go over to Paris for you, my dear young Friend, and con-
tinue in your employment by writing of Art-Criticisms for you on the
Exhibition, he knowing quite as much about it as some which are
employed at home by your serious contempories. The Prophet thinks
that a series of light and humorous articles on "Eating Horseflesh :
by One who knows better than for to do so," might be quite a feature,
Sir, in your otherwise well-conducted journal. Or, I might see, per-
haps, whether I happen to have left the MS. of my Knurr and
Spell" behind me during one of my passing visits to the gay capital
of our lively neighbours. In any case, Sir, I trust as you will re-
member, former services, and not turn a poor, ruinous old man out on
the streets, which I am nobody's enemy but my own, and have been
known to keep steady for weeks together. Besides, Sir, I am no worse
than my prophetic rivals, which have all been let in the hole this sea-
son; and I am still confident, Gentlemen, as my luck will come back
when the weather gets a little warmer, NICHOLAS being firmly of
opinion that hitherto the East wind have got into his head. Rally
round the old adviser, NICHOLAS Who sent you the Derby winner
of 1865 ? Who sent you the Derby winner of 1866 P Who sent you
the absolute first, second, and third for the '67 St. Leger? Trust to
the Prophet! iR ally round him! And all will yet be joy !
P.S.-I have ventured to draw on you for a few weeks' salary in
advance, and got it cashed in the City.
P.S. 2.-I do not think it necessary to send my present address.
A WEDDED WALTONIAN.
I LOVE beside some quiet brook
With rod in hand to dangle;
Away from home I gladly hook,
And there I go and angle.
To make a basket's not my wish,
Because, as safe as churches,
I always have to buy my fish-
I never get my perches.
I want no sport, upon my life-
It is support I'm courting;
To help me to support a wife
That there is no supporting.
So, with a hook content I roam,
Though not a fish will snatch it.
I know I've only to go home,
To be quite sure to catch it!
Getting the Whip-hand.
A JOURNAL for cabmen, 'bus-drivers, and conductors is shortly to
appear, entitled The Whip. We understand it is to come out in a
crack, and that it will have plenty of cuts. We suppose it will be
HansQm-ly printed and fare-ly conducted. If so, it may take its rank
with periodicals of long standing. At any rate, it should have a good
circulation if the police regulations touching the cabs are attended to-
that is, if every one takes its number first.
PEN AND INK.
OH pas and mas, with "heirs and hopes,"
For whom you're casting horoscopes,
And whom with anxious care
You're watching as they daily grow,
And guarding againstt all grief and woe,
Of this one risk beware!
Permit the child to play with fire,
Or keen-edged knives, should he desire ;
And do not feebly shrink
From giving fireworks-powder-guns !
With one and all entrust your sons,
But not with pen and ink
FROM OUR STALL.
THE author of Society and Ours has now given the stage a more per-
fect work of art than either of those very successful comodios. Tho
story of Society hovered a little too fondly about the borders of Bohemia
for a good many tastes, and the plot of Ours sacrificed something to
probability for the sake of bringing the characters together in tlh last
act. But in Caste we have little or no fault to find with either the
materials or the way in which they are employed. The story turns
upon that often-discussed question of social economy-unequal matches,
and its interest is unflagging as far as the middle of the third act.
From that point forward, however, there is nothing except the merit
of the dialogue to retain the audience's attention, for everybody in the
piece who deserves to be made happy has been made so some time
before the fall of the curtain. But Mi. T. W. REOBaRTSON writes with
so much point and gusto that we can forgive deficiency in action for
the sake of excellence in talk. Taking Caste from a literary point of
view, we think it one of the cleverest pieces produced since DOUGLAS.
JERROLD wrote his best comedies. Looked at in a dramatic light, it
exhibits a thorough knowledge of stage requirements. The perform,
ance of Caste is admirable throughout. MI. HAnE's portrait of the
British workman is a gem; and MR. F. YOUNGe is quiet and artistic
in a gentlemanly and rather sentimental part. The tone of MR.
HONEY'S humour as at present a trifle too broad for the Prince of
Wales's stage, but he will no doubt get rid in time of his tendency to
exaggerate. Miss LYDIA FOOTE plays with charming tenderness and
pathos; and Miss MAIIE WILTON is brimful of archness and vivacity.
Miss LAanx represents an aristocratic elderly lady as no other actress
of our acquaintance could represent it. A little cutting is the only
thing needed to qualify Caste for a long and brilliant career: we may
especially recommend for excision a couple of puns which sadly shocked
our susceptibilities on the first night.
Mas. SCOTT SIDONS has a very intellectual face and a neat figure;
but, in spite of these advantages, her performance of Rosalind is un-
satisfactory. The lady often puts herself into ungraceful attitudes,
and her voice is sharp and, to our thinking, unsympathetic. She was
applauded to the echo on her first appearance at the Haymarket. The
company at this theatre seems out of its element in SHAKESPEARE, but
the performance of As You Like It was inoffensive. The Forest of
Arden should not be represented with a trim gravel walk and carefully-
rolled lawn in the background.
IF it looks likely to rain, you had better not go out without your
umbrella, or you may get a soaking. If it does not look likely to
rain, you had better not go out without your umbrella. Our climate's
uncertain, and 'you may just as well carry an umbrella as a stick,
especially as you may get wet through if you don't.
Dedicated to the Composers of Fashionable Songs, who may set them to Music
if they can.
Is an avidity
For the flaccidity,
Of the "Drawing-room song," which by FUN is a chid ditty-
Tooral lal, looral lal, looral lal, liddity I
True to the Last.
WE understand that MR. WHALLEY declines to visit the Irish
Orangemen on the plea that it would be against his principles to cross
64 F UJ N. [Ams 20, 1867.
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
SOME OLD BACHELORS.
ND it's "Oh! kafoozlum,
it's Oh! kafoozlum, the
Daughter of the Baba !"
She's a Pal o'mine, my
This incoherent rav-
ing represents pretty
accurately the state of
the C. P.'s mind as he
sits down to write this
chapter. Organs again,
after three-quarters of
an hour of church-bell-
ringing because it's
Tuesday The C. P.
I would be looked upon
as a social martyr if
MR. PHELPS were to in-
..... sist on reciting passages
\I\l from Manfred to him for
Sl two hours and a half
every morning while
5, ^the philosopher was at
work. Mn. PHELPS
would not dare to at-
tempt it. The C. P. would be accounted an object of pity if (say) LORD
JOHN MANNERS were to insist upon pouring water into the philosopher's
trousers pockets every day from 11 to 1.
But it would never occur to LoRD JOHN
MANNERS to avail himself of such a privilege
if he possessed it. The exercise of such a
privilege would be regarded (and rightly so)
as a social outrage. But when SIGNOR
ScAmPIANo FILTHrMI takes upon himself to
pour dislocated "Trovatore," or intermit-
tent Champagne Charlie into the philo-
sopher's ears every forenoon of the week, the
philosopher is looked upon as an unfeeling
brute if he gives FILTHII into custody. The
indignation of society against ME. PHELPS
would be unbridled. The contempt for
Lone JOHN MANNERS would be universal.
But SCAMpIANO FILTHINI is an object of pity
and of sympathy, and the C. P.'s next door
neighbour (the clergyman who orders bells
to be rung because it's Tuesday) throws
halfpence to him, and beckons him into N' "
the front garden. His organ isn't loud No. 1.
enough in the roadway!
The C. P. feels that before he can go on he must get up and break
a plaster cast of BYRON. Phew! Better now!
"Some Old Bachelors." Well, well, it's rather a painful subject
with the C. P., maidens. He must
be permitted to play around it,
dance up to it, sniff at it, turn to
something else, revert to it once
more, and dally coyly with it be- /
fore he can make up his mind fairly
to embrace it. His head of hair is
not what it was, and his limbs have
not kept pace with his-well, waist,
in the matter of filling out. He
sleeps after dinner on his club sofas,
he begins to find that evening
parties bore him; and he is be-
coming critical in the matter of
female beauty. He sees the hollow-
ness of most things; and he wears
slippers, a dressing-gown, and no
collar, whenever he has a chance.
He finds it necessary to select the
elements of his dinner with dis-
crimination; and he goes about
with his hands in his pockets. He
cannot disguise from himself that fr.
these signs are premonitions of old No. 2.
No. 3. No. 4.
bachelorhood, maidens, and now is your time, if you are anxious that
he should not sink into irreclaimable fogeydom.
No. 1 is the sort of old bachelor that he will become if this sort of
thing goes on much longer. He sees it coming. He will be as bald
as an egg, and as round as one. He will fall into the habit of wearing
shabby clothes and double neck-cloths, with high collars. He will
establish friendly relations with the waiters at SimrsoN's, and he will
learn all their Christian names. He will get
to know the peculiarities of every distinct
bin in SIMPsoN's cellars. He will gradually
become not at all unlike a head waiter, as is
the way with old bachelors who customarily
dine at favourite taverns. His tastes will
become the chosen study of the gentleman
who carves, and the gentleman who carves
will be able to spot the C. P.'s favourite cut
in any joint you like to mention. He will
not have to ask for his glass of curaeoa after
dinner-it will be brought to him as a matter
of course, and his oyster sauce will be as
populous as a St. Giles's lodging-house. This
is the bright side of his cloud; but there is
another way of looking at it, and it is when
he thinks of the long, long, solitary evenings
in furnished lodgings, the intervals of dreary
illness with loving tenderness at so much a
week to wait on him; friendless old age, and
Death in Apartments, with only a SmpsoN's 5
waiter to say, "Dear! dear!" when he makes *-
his second and last appearance in the first No. 5.
column of the Times-it is when he thinks of
all these possibilities that he feels tempted to exclaim, "Now, maidens,
NOW is your time !"
By the way, this same SitmsoN's'affords an admirable opportunity for
the study of prosperous old-bachelorhood. No. 2 shows two specimens
who have dined at the 0. P.'s table every day during the last two
years. The taller one of the two was once (the C. P. thinks) a proctor,
and he is now a solicitor. The C. P. does not think he is a sharp
sort of solicitor, because he is always a long time in making
up his mind on any point that may arise in
conversation. He settles nothing without
looking at it from every point of view, and -
whenever his opinion is asked on any ques-
tion, professional or otherwise, he goes
through a sort of "personation entertain- ,\
ment" of Trial by Jury, in which he repre-
sents, alternately, counsel for prosecution,
witnesses, counsel for defence, witnesses, judge
summing up, jury deliberating, and foreman
announcing verdict. The shorter gentleman,
a bank cashier, is rather a jolly form of old
bachelor. He is a wag in his way, and he is
especially a wag at a dinner-table. He has
jokes for the waiter, good things to say to the
carver, and a little professional chaff for the
No. 3 is an old bachelor who don't regret
his old bachelorhood. He is probably a com-
mercial traveller of the old school, who knows
every town in the United Kingdom by heart.
He is familiar with all barmaids, and is on No. 6.
A.PRIL 20, 1867.]
chin-chucking terms with every chambermaid in Great Britain and
Ireland, to say nothing of our Colonies and other Dependencies. He
is in his glory when sitting as chairman at a convivial meeting; and,
indeed, he always contrives to impart something of a harmonic air to
every assemblage at which he happens to be present. If he goes to
the theatre, he says, "Hear, hear!" and he can't sit down to a chop
with a friend without voting his friend or himself "into the chair."
No. 4 is an old bachelor who does regret his old bachelorhood. He
is an old "SI msoN's" habitui, too. A barrister well-to-do, but, some-
how, disappointed in his dearest aspiration-to have a home, a wife,
and a family. He will growold, leave his profession, and finish up as
a discontented old nuisance at a Brighton boarding-house.
No. 5 is a very tiresome form of old bachelor, that is common enough
at all places of public entertainment. He is an old bachelor with a
grievance. Everything is wrong. If he is at dinner, his fish is a
studied insult, and his meat a deliberate outrage. He is always
reporting somebody, and the general impression concernipgh.tmis,
that he is not a man to be trifled with. He is supposed.to.be' the
mysterious creature who writes all those letters to the Times and other
morning papers every day. IFor years the 0: P. wondered who in the
world the people were whot took the trouble to do these things for
nothing, and as soon as heqade the oaquaintanceipt his friend over
the way, his doubts were set at rest.
No. 6 is another fine cruated& old bachelor. He is a poor old peer,
living in lodgings in Sloane-street, on three hundred a year. He
went wrong in his youth, spent.every penny he could resli4e, and hei
is now enjoying a friendlessrand. rather disreputable old age. He.is'
very touchy, very haughty,wTery,penniless, and very much(involvq4d1ii-
debt. The C. P. believes thatbthe.Nobility of
Great Britain have established a. species of
Friendly Society to prevent .any-member of
their body coming to utter andiinmistake-
able grief, and that it is on an.jallowance
from this society that the poor ,ld .gentle-
man contrives to exist. If the 0. P. is -mis-
informed as to the existence e-,f such a
society, he begs to recommend such.asaBehme
to the consideration.,of. all snblsmen who
have the credit of their,oladt$rheart.
No 7 is the Boulogne old bachelor. He is
not particularly old, nor is he particularly a
bachelor, for he has a wife, but the wives of
Boulogne old bachelors don't count. He
thrashed his wife till she ran away from
him with a waiter from the dtablissement,
and as this was precisely what he was
aiming at when he thrashed her, he didn't
take it much to heart. He is, of course, a No. 7.
captain, and he plays at billiards a good deal.
In the initial are two old men belonging to the worst form of old
bachelorhood. They speak for themselves-the 0. P. declines to have
anything whatever to say about them.
A LASTING IMPRESSION.
rWE met; and OR my heart she-made
So vivid an impression,
My heart before her feet I laid
In humble intercession.
But I am poor-and she is rich!
She's lofty-and I'm humble!
A difference of position, which
Procured my love a tumble.
I would my heart were Bostonite,
Since we are doomed to sever,
That I might the impression quite
Obliterate for ever!
Brummagem, Ware !
A BIRMINGHAM paper, alluding to a new form of fork, combining the
qualities of both fork and spoon, produced by MEssRs. ELKINGTON,
winds up in this way :-
There is every prospect of its becoming popular, since the inventor, through
his design, like so many others, is of a simple character," etc.
If the inventor is of a simple character, it is not difficult to guess
the origin of the spoony suggestion.
Will it Wash ?
onW Y Lis a laundress like an insult?-Because she gets up your
A HINT OF SPRING.
,TWAtx weather has come-at one spring,
'.,Let's hope that it's bound to remain now-
The lambkin, poor innocent thing,
Indulges in springs on the plain now.
The blossoms are springing as well-
.The first welcome vanguard of flowers,
And, hark, what soft murmurs there swell
From the springs, reinforced by the showers.
They suggest an idea which suits
To honour sweet Spring, the new-comer:
I must order a.pair of new boots-
With.Ade.aprings, for croquet in summer.
THE ancients were right in using but one word-fdr "poet" sand
"prophet." The poet is indeed a seer. Our readers have probably
read the plea of the agricultural labourers on strike in Buckingham-
shire-a county, by the oy,which is represented by that friend. of the
labouring classes,the RT.?HoN. BENJAMIN DISRA&LI-SO we may pro-
s ao.,their condition is more happy than that of labourers in districts
leas'featuBate. One portion of the plea runs thus:-
.WAere are we labourers.with our industry I Why, on the verge of pauperism.
r*Wekskthat we may live-not as paupers, but by our own industry. We are willing
toqtwrk, that our families may live.
We wonder if these poor fellows knew when they penned these
sentences, that a poet had anticipated their words in "the Lay of the
-" Only claim is this,
With labour stiff and stark,
By lawful turn his living to earn
Between the light and dark;
His daily bread, and nightly bed,
His bacon and drop of beer-'
But all from the hand that holds the land,
And none from the overseer I"
[We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
H. A. C., New Cross.-That "A-merry-eur" joke has gone to the dogs
OxonIxNSIs.-We do not require aerostics. Other correspondents are
requested to accept this intimation-C. F., Netting Hill, and Cornabia,
NAncELss.-An aimless joke.
B. B.-Apply to our advertising department.
T. C., Doighty-street.-However did you come to hit out that new and
brilliant idea about Pat-riots ?
AwoN.-If you can't be clever, try to be original.
F., Cambridge, is recommended to abandon the career of writing bad
comic copy, or he will end by doing a burlesque!
J. T. S., Maida-vale.-Perhaps he did. He certainly has not made
G. C., Leeds.-Not quite up to the mark.
W. A. observes "if the following piece strikes us we may throw it into
our paper." Even if it did strike us we should compel him to keep the
DOT.-Clearly in his dot-age.
ZAMIEL has got worked into a naughty temper by frequent rejection of
(to borrow his expressions and spelling) his "villanous doggerel." Poor Z.!
When it comes to casting the charmed bullets, we know whence he will be
able to get the lead.
1. E. B.-We really cannot undertake to answer such queries.
GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS will find, if he consults our back numbers, that
his acrostic was rejected.
Declined with thanks-J. P., Thames-street; J. J., Sunderland; M. H.,
Furnival's-inn; J. N. 0.; J. H. H., New Brighton; A. B., Porthshire;
C. W., Torquay; E. L. W., Exeter; T. G. K., Plymouth; C. F. B.; Fast;
E. A. B., Savile-row C. J. R.; Brassey Fite-Windell; Psyche; G.D. M.,
New Wandsworth; W. F. Battey; M. A. J., South Hackney; C. E.
Burton Crescent; Memento Mori; Pollie-- ; A Horrid Creature; W. L.
S. B.; A. J.; J. L. L., Bristol; A Constant Reader; D. J. John o'Groat's
A Weasel; R. .; 0. W; 0 J. M1J., Reading; H. W. B., Mildmay-park;
R. G. Westminster; Philopegmon; T. Hf. II.; T. Stockwell
Aemodeus; W. H. S. A., Penge; G. E. P; F.; *I. J. T.; Latiger
F. E. B., Bury St. Edmunds; K., Bayswator; E. T., Hulmo; M. W. C.;
E. W. Chard G. P.; G. C. N.; F. K., Borough; K., Putney; H. J. C.,
Colchester; Random Riddle; Curiosity; D. P., Liverpool; T. N.,
Windsor; T. T., Hackney; Lindley Murray; "Absolom;" Litton;
May M.; H. E. V. ; J. C., St. Leonards; A. M. C., St. Andrews
E. C., Ipswich; F.; Anti-Cat.
POT AND KETTLE.
Ownmr (to Jockey who has iust won jumping race) :-" CONFronD YOU! WHr DID YOU GO AND wnr
A DEAD SWINDLE."
Jockey :-"YEs, I KNow; BUT YOU SEE, I'D BEEN BACKIN' THE 'OSS MYSELF."
[AYRIL 20, 1867.
I PAID YOU TO lose. I CALL IT
For the Satisfaction of a Gentleman.
MAN," says the bard, wants but little here below," and the man
who wrote the following advertisement shall not" want that little long,"
if we can help it :-
WANTED, an ARTICLE for MANUFACTURE (patented or otherwise) which
promises a fair remunerative profit.-Persons having such for sale, or able to
suggest one, may address (by letter first) P. B.
Dear, dear, to think the advertiser could not suggest" for himself
one of the thousand remunerative unpatented dodges for manufacturing
articles now in practice! He might write musical criticisms with-
out going to concerts or operas, or he might supply a Paris letter with-
out quitting his comfortable lodgings in Islington; or, better still, he
might become a Railway Financier, and issue illegal debentures. One
would be inclined to think, from the advertiser's guileless simplicity
and child-like innocence, that P. B. must stand for Proe-Barnumite--
or stay, perhaps for the familiar name of a popular actor whose life-
like impersonation of the Kinchin, and other characters of juvenile
innocence and truthfulness, are so widely known that he is instantly
called to mind by the truthful expression, I believe you, my boy."
TRUE AND FAST.
WHAT every one knows is
That some one supposes
That FLORiDA's roses
Are nothing but paint.
Such suspicions would grieve her,
So let it be known,
They're so truly her own
That they won't even leave her,
When she's in a faint.
An Abridgement of all that is Pleasant."
WE read that a MR. DANCER has succeeded in taking photographic
portraits in collodion so small that they are wholly invisible to the
naked eye. How delightful if one could only have some of one's
friends done in this way-we mean, of course, those friends one likes
the better the less one sees of them.
A Patent Fact.
MY DEAR EDITOB,-You know why the Atlantic is like a wooden
nutmeg P I don't believe you do; but if you were to ask any smart
young man who had nothing to carry in his mind but the stock puns
of a commercial room, I daresay he would give you the answer at
once. Perhaps you haven't such an individual on the premises, and
can't spare a boy to go out and fetch one. So I will tell you why the
Atlantic is like a wooden nutmeg. Because it's a notion. Ta, ta!
THE good people of Dover are so delighted at the idea of having the
Volunteer Review next Easter Monday, that the Town Council have
passed a resolution that all the corps are to be supplied gratis with a
dozen rounds of ammunition in the shape of DovER's powders.
Generals, not Particulars.
AN ;American friend glancing, the other day, over the Times ad-
vertisements, observed that, since the close of the war and disbandmenit
of the army, the advertisers for general" servants might import an
ample supply from America.
THE SCHOOLBOY's INpEENO.-Birehin-lane.
London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phomix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Gommons, and Published (for ihe Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.--
April 20, 1867.
APRIL 27, 1867.]
Emotion of young Tenderwick, who, on his return from a visit of some weeks to
Paris, once more beholds a-SALTsrPooN !
THE LIGHT (BLUE) BRIGADE.
HALF a length, half a length,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Thames
Rowed the Eights, onward!
"Go!" was the starter's cry,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to win-or try;
Into the valley of Thames
Rowed the Eights, onward!
Steamers to right of them,
Steamers to left of them,
Steamers each side of them,
Snorted and thundered !
Cheered at by cad and swell,
Boldly they rowed and well,
Under Barnes Railway-bridge,
On past the Ship Hotel,
Rowed the Eights, onward!
O but the sight was fair,
Flashed the oar-blades in air,
Trying the rowlocks there,
Rowing to Mortlake, while
All the world wondered.
Plunged in the steamer smoke,
Fiercely in front they broke;
GRIFrFIrs and MARSDEN :
Strong was the Oxford stroke,
Then they rowed back, but not
As they rowed onward!
Steamers to right of them,
Steamers to left of them,
Steamers in front of them,
Snirted and thundered;
Cheered at by cad and swell,
While horse and Cockney fell,
They that had rowed so well,
Came through Barnes Railway-bridge,
Back from the Ship Hotel,
All that was loft in them
Since they rowed onward !
When can their glory fade ?
0, the wild spurts they made!
All the world wondered.
Honour the spurts they made,
Dark and Light Blue Brigade,
Each worth a hundred !
A Complete Letter Writer. News for the Nursery.
THE papers these last few days have presented examples of composi- WE are informed that an enterprising American publisher is about
tion which we hasten to throw into general forms, available for the to bring out a volume of nursery literature, in which the stories and
compiler of the next edition of The Guide to Correspondence."' rhymes of the exploded old country will be adapted to the tastes
The first instance in an apology for a libel:- and understandings of young America. To illustrate this we shall
GENTLrMsI ,-I hereby acknowledge with regret that I spread a report that venture on a version in prose of Humpty Dumpty.
you had made an offer of a composition to your creditors, and would be in the "Humpty Dumpty sot hisself on a tall rail. Humpty Dumpty
Gazette if it was not accepted, and that having seen a ci cular, I knew it to be true. dropt off his perch-ker-squash. And all the equipages, and all the
I deeply reret having spread this slander, and I can assure you that the statement livered menials of an effete monarchical system was just a one-hoss
about the circular must have escaped me unintentionally. as it was not a fact that I affair as regarded the sottin' of that unfornet cuss on that everlasting'
bad seen one.-Signed, &c." affair as regarded the sottin' of that unfort'net cs on that evorlastin'
We need hardly give a form for the getting up of a testimonial to rail agin! Moral :-Tho skreekin bird of Freedom what roosts on the
the author of the above, as the reasons for presenting him with one must zenith, with his head tied up in the star-spangled banner, rather
be obvious to the commonest capacity. kalklates that monarchy is played out-some!"
The next form is to enable on irritable author to turn the flank Now, then, Stick-in-the-mud T
of a too keen criticism. It may be addressed to the editor of a daily en
paper:- WE fin a curious advertisement in the Aberdeen Herald:-
"Sia,-A remark in'a recent book of mine (which I am not endeavouring of course Clay Pit to be Let.
to advertise by this letter) has been noticed in the Slaughterly in so injurious a 0 BE LET, on Lease, the Bed of Valuable CLAY at B- occupied for many
manner that I must ask to be allowed to set myself right with an anxious public years by A. N., Esq., and belonging to the Society of Advocates in Aberdeen.
through your columns. My critic quotes my words, "No. 19, Black-street, and
No. 22, White-street, ought to attend to their duties," and asserts that I bring a Really, MARlGERtY DAW, who is stated in history to have parted with
charge of negligence against MFssns. SMITHr and BaowN, This is most unfair-I her bed and taken to a litter, is a harmless eccentric compared with
never mentioned either SMITH or BROWN. Their names have been dragged in by A. N., Esq., who has for many years occupied a bed of clay. We pro-
my critic.-I am, &c." sume the clay is of a heavy and tenacious character, and that it joined
We leave this model letter to recommend itself, merely noting that the Society of Advocates out of the respect to be expected of Stick-in-
MR. SMITH resides at 19, Black-street, and Mr. BuowN at 22, White- the-mud, for the "law's delay."
Sweet William. THOSE who would rob a poor man of his beer are frequently the
CERTAIN Tories are fond of sneering at Mx. GLADSTONE as The very people who would rob him of his baccaa too. They should be
People's WILLIAM." Of course it is a question of taste; but surely known as bar clay and BARCLAY'S."
one may be allowed to prefer "The People's WILLIAM" to MR.
DISuRAiI's Bill. A STANDING DISH AT UTAH.-A spare rib.
[APRIL 27, 1867.
1 ______ _____________________ ____
rEY THE SAUINTERER IN SOCIETY.
IIHE, Oxford and Cambridge
boat-race on Saturday
week added one more to
the long list of Oxford
victories. It was a splen-
did race-a race to lose
which by so little was
almost a victory, so the
verdict is Honours di-
b b vided." It is easy to
preach to the losers how
n i they might have won, but
d I may just mase one re-
mark which the Cam-
bridge trainers will do
well to keep in mind:-
In spite of all the coaching
and the improvement of
the stroke during training,
directly the tug of war
came, precept and practice
were forgotten, and the
men got back into the old,
pretty, fatal, clipping style.
The Oxford tactics were
the old ones, but the stroke
was not quickened until
very late-almost too late.
I regretted last week that the race had become a bookmakers' busi-
ness-one whole steamer was occupied by the fraternity! Men who do
not scruple, when it suits their purpose, to lame or drug a racehorse,
would, probably, think little of disabling or knocking out of condition
a member of one of the crews; and that's why I wish the race had no
bets but patriotic ones depending on it. It was delightful to see at
what an early hour and in what weather the supporters of Dark
and Light Blue made their way to the Slushy, sloppy river-bank and
waited out the event. The ladies mustered in great numbers, with an
utter disregard for damaged toilettes. The cavalry were as great a
nuisance as ever; and towards the end of the morning the "rough"
element put in an appearance. The earlier the race is rowed the better,
for only those who take a genuine interest in it will come at six o'clock
in the morning. I hope Cambridge will not allow the croakers to pre-
vail, but will renew the challenge next year. She has done her work
well, with the luck against her; if some of the chancework as to choice
of place were eliminated' it would be better, but meantime she may
rest assured that if she reverses the decision of fortune next year, she
will have no more sincere or generous congratulations than those with
which the Dark Blue will hail her success.
Capital photographs of the two crews have been published by Ms.
ERNEST EqnwARns, of Baker-street. Both crews deserve a space on the
walls of old 'Varsity men, for they have rowed one of the best races
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE CocxBi-nw delivered rather a judgment than a
charge in the case of MEssRs. N L.ON and BlRAN, but the grand jury
returned "no true bill." In other words, though by the letter of the
law, MEssns. Snvyncx and CO., of the J: naica Committee, had a claim
for their pound of flesh, no body of sensible Englishmen would consent
to be parties to punishing men for saving a British Colony. What is
more, if a similar case arose to-morrow, I am sure another governor
would have no hesitation in hanging another GoDnnow, and the verdict
would be the same-and I can't say I'm sorry for it. Men who foster
disaffection, and directly or indirectly promote insurrection, must suffer
for the lawlessness they originate: and governors who have the honour
of England's name and of English women to protect will not hesitate
to do their duty because a Committee may prosecute them, or because
somebody may write their lives. In the meantime, what can the
Jamaica Committee do? Nothing, as far as I can see, and (to quote
the quaint phraseology of a leader in the Star anent the YORKE scandal)
"if there is nothingto do, not even a HARDnwcI(E"-or a Jamaica Com-
mittee-"can do it!" by which I do not mean to imply (any more
than the Star did) that they are so utterly incapable that they can't do
I see that the DEAN OF EMTy is about to publish a collection of his
poems with a view to competing for the Professorship of Poetry at
Cambridge. As BRowNxiG is not eligible, and as, after all, the
appointment does not need the first poet of the day, the DFAN seems as
well qualified as anyone for the post. Indeed, as a strictly "University
poet," he has the highest claims. His "Installation Ode" on LonRD
DEmuRY's Chancellorship is a really fine poem, and one that proves how
well he can appreciate and express Oxford feeling.
I sEE that JAMEs LONGHURST, the Shere murderer, has been exc'
cuted. Now, his was a case which on all points ran parallel with
WAGER'S case. If MR. WALPOLE was really guided by the rule he laid
down in WAGER's case, it would be well for some M.P. to ask him
why he has not applied the rule to LoGoiURnST'S case. Personally, I
am and always have been opposed to capital punishment, as degrading
and brutalising to those who carry it out, or witness it, and utterly
useless as a deterrent. But MR. WVA orrLE is making it a complete
mockery-a lottery-by the course he has adopted. Once passed, the
sentence of death should be carried out, unless innocence is proved
after the trial, but to pass the sentence with the certainty of a reprieve
is to weaken justice. The prerogative of mercy must be taken out of
hands too weak to wield it. Why did they ever spoil an amiable country
gentleman to make a bungling Home Secretary ? Surely not that the
salmon might be handed' over to the experienced care of a War Office
MR. NEATE in discussing the TooMnR case, used some rather plain
language as to "the manifest and notorious incapacity to exercise his
judicial functions" of the judge who "encouraged-nay, compelled
the verdict" in that case. The Law Journal draws attention, apropos
of MR. NEATIVS remarks, to the fact that the same judge had an ex-
actly similar matter to dbealwith last year at Derby, when a man called
BEuRIDGn was found guilty of a like 'offence to TOOMER'S on evidence
quite asi unsatisfactory. Mx. Jusnca SHEE-of course it was MEI.
JuSTICa- SBan !-sentenced him to ten years of penal servitude. Mn.
WALPOLB pardoned BanmIDGE, yet with his usual consistency refused
to pardon Toomn--but that is not the question at present. The ques-
tion under discussion is the fitness of MR. JUTsICE SHE1 for the office
he holds, and to see that clearly and- forcibly argued out, I must refer
my readers to the Law Journal, and I fear they will not rise from the
perusal with a high opinion of his judicial qualities. The:LZaw Journal
very properly calls on Mn. NEATE either to withdraw what he has said,
or to move an address praying that the "learned" gentleman be re-
moved from office.
A aw scientific journal,, the laboratory, has appeared. It is to
record the minor and tentative labours, the successful and unsuccessful
experiments,. as' well as the established results and conclusions of
science. It does not require a scientific man to, see that such a paper
will be valuable. The t6ronicle seems to improve as it goes on-we
want a good and impartial literary paper, not devoted to the cordial
praise of bad novels or of the editor's last new book of travels. The
Lady's Own Paper is another improving paper. It gave an admirable
engraving of a flattering portrait of Miss HERIERT the other day. It
is well and carefully edited-and that is the first necessity of such a
MR. S. C. HALL had the honour the other day of presenting the first
number of his Art Journal Catalogue of the French Exhibition to the
EMPEROR, at the Tuileries. It was graciously received, His MAJESTY
observing that "the work would be a wonderful one when completed."
The same thing might be said about the Exhibition itself; the remark
would have been as well deserved, though it would not have been
considered as complimentary possibly, when applied to the building
instead of the book.
ODE TO APRIL SHOWERS.
HAIL !-no, I don't mean hail,
But pelting showers of rain,
Which to be brief and plain,
Do far too much prevail.
Welcome!-I don't mean that,
I do not welcome wet,
But so perplexed I get
I don't know what I'm at,
With streams of water from my garments running,
Like habits, quite in-wet-erate, of punning.
To list while I complain,
And beg you'll stop it;
Consider London-what a job to mop it
If you continue in this way to sop it!
Your patter is not ours by choice,
For if we had a voice
Our medicine men in pulpits and in rostrums,
Your frequent showers to quell
Should utter charm and spell,
Go up the spout instead of coming down,
(In vulgar language understood in town
As brevity for "pop it")-
APRIL 27, 1867.] F U 1SN G9
NICHOLAS AT THE BOAT RACE. .
"Raw, Brothers, Row !"-Papular Song.
"Here's a jolly row !"--opular Sayin,/.
RESPECTED SIR,-My Gentleman of the press having left me in the
lurch, and than whom a more ungrateful scoundrel, NICHOLAS having
always treated him as an equal, and many is the glass of sherry-wine
which he have had at my expense, though always giving himself airs
and I daresay a deuced deal fonder of boozing along with his SPENSERS
and WoDnswo0 us than of mixing in respectable society, so, Respected
Sir, for such I have ever held yo.t, my Gentleman of the Press having
left me in the lurch, I have drawn up. n my own reading and observa-
tion for the mottoes of the present week, and which I consider as they
are a deal more to the purpose than the far-fetched allusions of my
literary man and his lot. I hate anything fir-fetched, and always did,
especially beer. And when I say as I have drawn upon my own read-
ing and observation, I must not forget to apologise, the luck having
gone against me, for having likewise drawn upon you, as mentioned in
last week's countrybution to your New Serious.
But, Respected Sir, from you also I consider as an explanation is
required. After the years I hawv served you, was it just-was it grate-
ful-was it worthy of a fine old JEnglish gentleman, one of the holden
time, chorus-like a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden
time-for to throw me over quite so public and so quick ? And when
NICHOLAs says, "throw me over," he do not mean it in a literal sense,
as if you had seized the Prophet by the scruff of his neck, which you
would have been quite justified in doing, Sir, and shied him into the
Thames last Saturday, for that could enly have been a gentlemanly
though violent evolution oftempory anger, NICHOLAS having cost you
pounds and pounds by his unfortunate tip for theinteresting aquatical
computation; no, my dear young Friend-if such you will still kindly
allow me to call you-nor yet do I complain -because you thought
proper to cut me dead on Barnes-terrace, for I will admit as the o14
man, through looking flushed with the morning air, and not being
used to taking spirituous liquors so early in the day, and which I only
did so under advice, there being several betting-men along with me,
all of which may easily have conveyed the erroneous impression that
NicHoLAs was more of a low lot than of a fine old English gentleman
as before mentioned, and less calculated for to deliver a temperance
oration than for to be took up by the police. Please begin another
sentence, Massas. JuDD AND GLAss, my worthy and estimable printers,
if such you will still allow me to call you; and should the Prophet
ever have given you unnecessary trouble along of his puthorgraphy
and pointuation, he hopes you will not be too hard on an old man
when he's down.
No, Sir; but what I venture respectfully to complain of-and what,
if circumstances were different, I should freely say as it was a scan-
dalous shame-is, that on Saturday afternoon you exhibited a placard
in your office window, near the casts of the scientific animals, as
Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race.
THE OLD MAN WRONG AGAIN!
See "F u," forsooth! I am glad as you do so. I don't. I call it
depreciating of the property, and crying stinking fish, saving your
presence. Why, if you must have a flaming poster on the subject, and
which I do not myself see the necessity, it is my honest conviction as
a better one could have been drawn up by the office-boy, if he will
still allow me to call him so. Depend upon it, Sir, if you had only
brazened it out, the public would soon have got muddled in his head
as usual. I know the public quite as well as the public knows me;
and I should say, Sir, as it was scarcely possible for any two parties
to respect each other less! No, Sir, here's my notion:-
Oxford and Cambridge Boat Rase.
RIGHT AGAIN! TRIUMPH OF NICHOLAS!
Who sent you the Absolute Second ?
Yonu will see, Sir, as I have changed my address. Several reasons
have indeed me for to go out of town, especially climate. I find that
London was getting rather too warm-in fact, if I may say so, too hot to
hld me; and so, having had a very kind invitation from a country
friend which knowed me when I was respectable, years and years
ago, and thinking as Sheerness was a tolerably secluded spot, down I
came; but when I reached this happy village, the friend of my
infancy, which had lost heavy on the Light Blue by following my tip,
he raised his unhallowed hands against me, and lot me have it hot
upon my hi. We are now reconciled, and if Plaudit wins the Two
Thousand, or the game little Lecturer wins the Chester Cup, I shall
come back, otherwise it is more than probable as I shall keep out of the
P.S. 2.-The sherry wine hare is beastly. You night send me
down some. P.S. 3.-I have a good thing for the Derby.
A GALLANT army from the heart of town,
Marched to where many ramparts gri.aly frown.
And there they practised all strategic tricks,
And through the livelong day fought on like bricks."
" Shiver my timbers and steve in my planks,"
So said the skipper with words put in blanks;
" Spliee the main-brace, it's beginning to drizzle,
Go to the toward and bring me my swiUsle."
One word is always on his lips,
And threatens ever to eclipse
All thoughts of others, and that word
In Latin, reads like this, I've hoar 4
The magic of her glances,
Wins the necromancer's fanoies,
The silliest of ancient men is he:
iHe tells her all his dodges,
And the lightaome lady lodges,
Her lover in the hollow of a tree,
Far in the Northern seas,
Under the stormy breeze,
Surely you'll find it,
Breasting the ceaseless tide,
Ocean on either side,
Ocean behind it.
A gentleman rampagious made the placo
Most famous, though he went there in disgrace.
The fairest day that ever dawns for metals,
When Wit and Humour ope their merry portals.
Axswi u To Aouosose No. 6.
P Pillow W
A Ambleto 0
l Racer R
I Idol L
S Sod D)
CORaZCT SoLUTIONs or AcoOTI C No. 5, ErcatiEv Arnt. 17TU.--Coata.Lce;
Thi following paragraph, cut from a Parisian newspaper, ought to
inspire us all with horror:-
MiM.x GuRBIEAu, st ter of the celebrated traveller LALAns, hbs banded to the
President of the Society of Acclimatisatzon a suma of 164 to found a prize sm emory
of her brother, the same to be awarded to the traveller who by LiS discovre 4 bsal
have done most towards improving the food of the human ruce.
It is surely impossible to qualify for MDMs. GUIIINEAv's prize until
the traveller has had a taste of all sorts of food enjoyed by the human
race. KINo BonIA BU'OALEE Boo's cuisine must be tried with the rest,
and the delicacies enjoyed by that monarch critically analysed. Fancy
an elaborate report on filet de l'enfant aunx petits pios," or pat6
des hommes bris6s." Ugh! horrible!
A Dkrririox.-" Making the most of it"-Finding a bung and
getting a barrel made for it.
LITERARY AND LITERAL.
Lady :-" I DO NOT LIKE FRIVOLOUS READING, BUT YOU MAY HAVE YOUR Leisure Hour on Sunday at HoMe."
Servant (about to be engaged) :-" WELL, AS TO THAT, MEM, I'M NOT PERTIK'LER; BUT I LIKE TO HAVE ME Monday out REG'LAR."
A POACHING CASE. MACAULAY'S SCHOOLBOY
ON the 12th instant, OSBORNE, an active and energetic member of WHENEVER he looks in one of the books
the Nottingham rural police, applied to the St. Stephens's Bench for That LORD s in oneACAULAY wrote
a summons against a well-known whip, who drives the Derby Dilly, The reader may hit on that frequent bit
for netting salmon in the Liberal preserves. The intelligent officer Which the critical always quote.
said he had on a former occasion laid a complaint against this man, When a deep remark or a meaning dark,
TAYLOR, and an associate of his, known as BENIGNANT BENJAMIN, for Tenms up in that flowery prose,
illegal fishing. On this occasion they had netted twenty-one unclean 'Tis given, forsooth, as an obvious truth,
fish. The person described as BENIGNANT BENJAMIN addressed the for
Bench, and declared that he was innocent of any participation in the Which every schoolboy" knows.
illegal act, but it may be mentioned that when he left the court he took A fellow may speak in the ancient Greek,
the fish with him. The driver of the Derby Dilly sent in a medical As he speaks in his native tongue,
certificate, in which it was alleged that it was impossible that he could And be fully at home when he talks of Rome
have had anything to do with the poaching affair, as he was laid up In the Latin he learnt when young;
from a severe blow he had received in his eye from the Caucasian-we He may pore for an age on Wisdom's page,
beg pardon-cork of a sodawater bottle. The case was adjourned till And study where'er he goes,
next sessions. But he cannot pretend to comprehend
Very Debt-rimental. What every schoolboy" knows.
IT is strange what mountains some people will make out of mole- Is LEIBNITZ right in his theories quite ?
hills. One would hardly suppose the author of the following ad- Pray what is the date B.c.
vertisement could have found such difficulty in obtaining his object as Of HOMER's birth; and who upon earth
to be obliged to resort to publicity. The advertisement appears in the Can the author of Junius be ?
Times, and runs as follows :- You ought, as a rule, to have learnt at school,
Collector. A gentleman wishes to add this present collection of debts," etc., Such plain little things as those ;
etc. If not, you dunce, go master at once
If the gentleman had desired to reduce them, we should have been less What every schoolboy" knows.
surprised at his advertising.
A Malicious Joke. A PARAGRAPH just now going the rounds, states that "Night, a
A LIBERAL and Broad Church organ has been started under the title poem, in nine books," by GEORGE GILFILLAN, M.A., is to be shortly
of The Church Mail. Some wicked wag has suggested that as it is the i published. We hope-indeed we think it probable-that such a very
organ of the cloth," it ought to be called The Black Mail. long night will lead to a good deal of somnolence.
FUlJN.-APRIL 27, 1867.
A FISHY CASE,
Colonel T'yl*r :-" A SPLENDID HAUL! ONE-AND-TWENTY AT LEAST!"
D*sr"li (Aside):-" SOME ONE COMING! (Aloud) I KNOW NOTHING OF YOUR NET PROCEEDS."
[Eidcer P. C'. O r.e-. .netion.
APRILm 27, 1867.]
Sung by Dodge-era (COLONEL T-Y-L-R) in the Burlesque Flay of
The Reform Rovers."
IT is a most provoking do !
To think that I was potting 'em-
The guileless DILLWYN and his crew,
When who should twig us but the hu-
morous M.P. for Nottingham-
morous M.P. for Nottingham.
[ Weeps and pulls out a true blue Reform bill. Gazing tenderly a0 it, he
Sweet Measure! checks of truest blue
They soon had found garotting 'em,
If they had helped to pass you through,
Without detection by the hu-
morous M.P. for Nottingham-
morous M.P. for Nottingham.
[At each repetition of this line Dodge-ero cracks his whip in cadence.
Bah! Bah! As RAREY trotted Crui-
ser, I was calmly trotting 'em,
When, hang it! who should enter-who ?
But that confounded pest-the hu-
morous M.P. for Nottingham-
morous M.P. for Nottingham.
The very form, in which they drew
My words up, clearly spotting 'em,
He offered to the House, as scru-
tineers-he did indeed, the hu-
morous M.P. for Nottingham--
morous M.P. for Nottingham.
My eyes! (with soda corks, it's true,
I have a way of dotting 'em
At awkward times)-a rare to-do
Was thus created by the hu-
morous M.P. for Nottingham-
morous M.P. for Nottingham.
And since they can't escape the cru-
el sentence he's allowing 'em,
Their only chance is to abu-
se, and heap strong terms upon the hu-
morous M.P. for Nottingham-
morous M.P. for Nottingham.
[During the last stanza Dodge-ero perceives that he has run his head
against a wall, so hard as to produce a visible confusion. The curtain
OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
BY MosT OF oort EMINENT AuTmoBS.
BEDFORD, PAUL. By DOSTOn CU-MMING. It was the year 1897, and
the immediate end of the world was at hand. False prophets had
announced it regularly once a twelvemonth for a considerable period;
and at length a distinguished soothsayer, addressing a crowd of the
citizens near Hanover-square, had positively fixed the event for the
day after to-morrow. If, in this announcement, there was any mental
reservation, let us not blame the seer! The morning was bright and
warm. The air was balmy with the soft breath of opening Spring.
The bees-those living types of patient and useful industry-the bees
were out. So was an excellent work on their truly interesting habits,
chiefly reprinted from the Times. Wandering, with a flower in his
button-hole, through the beautiful arcades of Covent-garden, an aged
man, upon whose face an almost youthful bloom still lingered; upon
whose lips an almost youthful smile still played-happened to en-
counter the soothsayer. "You smile," said the prophet, "and yet
the end of the world is at hand. Are you not afraid ?" "Afraid ?"
was the answer, "not a bit, not a bit of it, my dear children. Why
should old PAUT, be afraid, eh, my bricksy-wicksy ? No, no, quite on
the contrary, vice versa, nil desperandum, never say die! All the dear
boys are fond of their old PAUL, of their particularly popular predilec-
tion for old PAUL !" Do you imagine, then, rash man," asked the
noble soothsayer, that this beautiful world will still be in existence
the day after to-morrow ?" "Inquisitive ecclesiastic," was the answer
of the comedian, "yes, I do I believe you, my bo-o-oy !"
CUMMING, DOCTOR. By NICHOLAs. The period of this party's
birth do not much matter, he being quite old enough to know better,
but where it says as he is a legitimate foreteller of future events, such
is a gross exaggeration, for he have no connection with NICHOLAS,
nor would I let him do so, he never coming right in his prophecies,
and which such would injure the joint concern.
BULWER, G. E. E. L. B. By LouD LYTTON. Tho Baron and the
Baronet are One. The classic words of the Poet are sweetest from the
wreathed lips of the Peer. Poesy, thou art Patrician, 'tis of thy
nature, as it is to be Immortal. The Novelist of Yesterday is tao
Noble of To-Day. The Inspiration drawn in bye-gone .Eons from
Castalian 'springs-'tush, I have found it as I mused, upon the
Terrace of the Thames, weary of the Plebeian Babble of the Lewor
Hofise, and sighing for the Sonate's classic atmosphere where the Sage
oan Rest. The creative Imaginings of Art, as they issue, like MINERTA,
from the brain of JOVE, fall-armed, from my Own Bright Intellect, are
Various-and yet One. The Truthful and the Beautiful-at least, I
don't mean that, you know! PELIAMx and PAUL CLIFFORD, GAWTREY
and EUGvBN ARAM, are Several; So are Others; yet, by the Unity of
plastic Genius, the sacred Type remains. 0 Isis and Osiris! Likewise,
) Brethren of the Rosy Cross! Leave me, leave my day-dreams, and
leave, oh leave, my visions in the Dead of Night. 0 Eros, young God
of Love I was born in the year 1805. I have written many good
Books; and also, the Critics say, some atrociously Bad Ones. The
Critics lie. Avenge me, Spirits of the great ARCANA! Tear them,
Limb from Limb. This is a Strange Story I do not know
precisely what I mean. I was once Colonial Secretary.
ODE TO AN ENGLISH EASTER.
(After a Muscular Poet.)
WELcoME English Easter,
Cowards should we be,
Loving our vacations
Net to sing to thee;
Welcome English Easter
When we long to roam,
O'er the heights of Dover,
Far away from home.
Tired we are of working,
Sick and ill with care,
Weary of Reformers,
House of Commons air!
Sweep the busy city
Of the dust of years.
Prime with pluck and muscle
All our volunteers.
Shriek, ye snorting engines,
With your loads in tow,
Give the word to go!
Shriek, ye puffing engines,
For we want to see
Now that we are free.
Let the lazy summer
Tempt us by and by
With its cosy pie-nice,
Ice, and pigeon-pie.
Put them off till then,
'Tis this doubtful weather
What's the sunny summer ?
'Tis the ladies' hour,
Bringing lawns and crOquet,
Tea and toast in power;
But an English Easter
Often takes us in,
And 'midst our enjoyment,
Soaks us to the skin.
Welcome, English Easter,
We must have our spree,
By the land and sea,
Take us next to nothing
There and back again,
Blow the doubtful weather,
Never mind the rain !
A Stray Cast.
THE accusations of insincerity, so frequently brought against the
,M.P. for Birmingham, have, we fear, more truth in them than we have
hitherto been willing to acknowledge. We are assured that though
he would wish to be considered the last person who would be guilty of
playing tricks with the borough or county franchise, yet he is never
better pleased than when (north of the Tweed) he has either a six or
fourteen pounder on a line."
[APRIL 2?, 1867.
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIO PHYSIOGNOMIST.
THE C. P. AT A WEDDING.
FEW days ago the C.P.
SA- a-n- went to a wedding.
He really couldn't
help it-it was no
morbid curiosity that
/ took him there; he
"- went in an official
Capacity, as a sort of
reluctant and tender-
hearted High Sheriff,
to hand over the
miserable bride into
the custody of the
officiating parson. She
happened to be a near
relative of the Philo-
/ sopher's, and the only
one whose relation to
J her warranted him in
taking such a liberty.
From his earliest
U, years, he had been
accustomed to wield a
gentle authority over
her; and he believes that he has, on various occasions, stood to her in
the several capacities of guide, philosopher, and friend. He had come
to regard himself almost in loco parents, for her relation to him placed
all tender considerations out of the question, while, at the same time,
her youth and her beauty would have made her an object of especial
interest to her earliest ancestor if he could have been brought to behold
her. She was, in short, the philosopher's aunt. Not a scraggy old
girl, but a maiden of nineteen summers, and consequently, by a freak
of nature, considerably younger than the philosopher himself. And
here the C. P. proposes to pause, in his playful way, in order to dilate
upon a consideration which has frequently struck him, and which may
probably, have struck a good many others too. He has said that to
this young maiden he has always stood in the light of either guide,
philosopher, or friend, or all or any of these. And this leads him to
the consideration in how many different lights does the C. P. (or indi-
viduals at large-for the C. P. is, after all, but a type of mankind)
appear to his various friends, his acquaintances, and his enemies. He
feels that to every person he knows, he must appear in a totally diffe-
rent light. To PARKER he is a quiet, reserved man. There is something,
he supposes, in PARKER, to check confidence. To FARQUHARSON he is
a wag. There is something in FARQUHARSON that inspires the C. P. to
pun. FAnQUHARSON is weak, but appreciative, and upon him the C. P.
rehearses good things, to be finally uttered under circumstances of re-
munerative publicity. To COCKERELL he is a dull, heavy man.
COCKERELL has acquired wealth by the invention of a putty of singu-
larly adhesive properties, and cannot take a joke from a poor man. To
BOYLE he is a man of clear, quiet intelligence-for he has, somehow,
got into a way of looking at questions propounded by BOYLE, in a
quasi-logical light, which impresses BoYLE, who is easily impressed.
To old COLTER, he is a sad young dog ;
to young BAINES he is a rascally old
scamp; to BARBER, he is the beau-ideal
of what a young man should be; and 1
to TILLOTSON, he is the incarnation <
of a hopeless ne'er-do-well. And all
this without any hypocrisy on the C. P.'s
part-his conduct in the presence of
these individuals has been insensibly
influenced by their demeanour to him.
It is, no doubt, with them as it is with
him. There is, probably a circle which
considers COCKERELL a contagious wit,
and PARKER's the very bosom of all
others into which to pour the full tide
of unreserved confidence. Only the
C. P. don't happen to belong to it.
Having satisfactorily disposed of this
consideration, the Philosopher will take
the liberty of recalling his wandering
Muse to the subject of his aunt's
wedding, and the people he met at it..
Of the bride and of the bridegroom he
has little to say. People who are being No. 1.
married are as much alike as people who are
being born. A man sinks his identity on these
occasions, and becomes like unto all others in
similar predicaments. Man that is being mar-
ried is a shiftless, helpless, nervous, fidgety,
stutterer. Woman that is
being married, is a shy,
blushing, damp, red-nosed,
sobbing, trembling, heaving
^. mass of white corded silk /
and orange-flowers. No
man and no woman could
ever look to advantage under
No. 1 is the gentleman o
who proposed the health of
the young couple. He is the
father of the bridegroom-a
man of fabulous wealth,
owing much, it is whispered,
to Tallow. He is a jolly
old boy with a fat unctuous
look about him, and a way
of treating the whole affair
as if it were a good joke to
% be chuckled over. He is
reported to have done the .I
S handsome thing by his son,
and to have expressed an -
No. 2. intention of disinheriting No. 3.
such of the bridesmaids as
happened to be his daughters if they ventured to cry. He has given
diamond lockets to all the ladies concerned, directly or indirectly,
with the proceedings, and has, in short, made himself generally
No. 2 is the best man," who proposed the Bridesmaids." He is
a confirmed bachelor, and as such, an immense favourite with all young
ladies, on the customarily illogi-
cal principles of ladies' logic.
He has an air of yielding a good-
humoured assent to a harmless
foible, to which he is never likely
to become a victim. He pro-
posed "The Bridesmaids" in
words of facetious import, which,
it need hardly be said, "con-
vulsed the assembly." The C. P.
may mention, as a fact that
bears upon what he has already
said about the different lights in
which the same individual may M
be regarded by his various (
friends, that he heard this gentle-
man alluded to, by different
guests at the ceremony, as a ,
duck, a conceited donkey, a
most agreeable person, a curly-
brained idiot, a young man of .
parts, a singularly well-informed
person, and an unmitigated No. 4.
No. 3 is a specimen of that blatant nuisance, the friend of the
family who has known the bride and bridegroom from their cradles."
This disgusting bore (about whom, the C. P. is bound to admit, there
appeared to be no two opinions) talked for three-quarters of an hour
about the early history of the bride and bridegroom, in a fashion which
completely covered them with confusion. He recalled anecdotes of
their early years, their budding youth, and their final adolescence, and
then went on to picture their future, and all the possible blessings
which might surround it. He said
"that the blessing of being a father
was only to be equalled by the blessing
of being a son, and that when these
two blessings were combined (as he had -
no doubt they shortly would be) in the
person of the young friend on his right
-who was already a son-" (and who,
by-the-bye, was blushing loud enough
to be heard)-" Fortune could do no
more for him." He was eventually
pulled down to his seat by a considerate
friend, and subsequently left in a
huff. No. 5.
APRIL 27, 1867.]
No. 4 is the gentleman who remarked that it would be out of the
question to think of separating until the health of The Ladies" had
been drunk with the fullest honours. It was they," he said, who
nursed us in our babyhood, who comforted us in our youth, who kindly
came and married uits in our prime, and who smoothed our declining
pillow (whatever that was) in our old age. lHe had not the advantage
of being married himself, but that was not his fault-he supposed he
had not yet attained his prime-but he knew somebody who had, and
that somebody said he liked it. He would, without farther delay,
propose The Ladies.' "
Amendment proposed by the father of the bride, and carried nsm con.
God bless 'em."
No. 5 is the couple who couldn't tell the philosopher, after the break-
fast, what any of the speeches were about. They were, in short,
making so much weak love through the medium of pastrycooks'
mottoes during that meal, that the discharge of a six-pounder from
the dinner waggon would hardly have arrested their attention. They
will go home-dream of each other-dodge about after each other at
botanical fdtes and horticultural meetings of all kinds ; they will go in
search of each other to Zoological Gar-
dens and Crystal Palace, until August, when -
they will each go their ways to different
out-of-town places, fall in love again, and
again, and again, until they come to speak
of each other as that pleasant fellow (or
that rather jolly girl') I met at So and So's
Last scene of all that ends this strange,
eventful history, is second childishness and /
mere oblivion, in the person of the waiter
who was moved to tears by the speeches.
He made two or three abortive attempts to
address the assembled guests on the subject
of matrimony considered in relation to fowls
and champagne, but a superior menial sue- "
ceeded in extinguishing him before the
subject of his remarks had time to take a
distinct form. He was banished to a remote
portion of the kitchen department, but was
discovered at a later period of the day in the ,.
act of shaking the umbrella-stand in the
'!hall, by one of its pegs, and assuring it that
'"married or single, it should always find a -
friend in him."
I saw thee-loved thee! and believed that thou
Didst prize the love I gave. 'Twas early spring,
Before the new-born buds were blossoming
To furnish wreaths to twine around thy brow,
Or nestle in thy hair. But when the flowers
Bloomed bright and sweet among their circling leaves,
So "grow like mushrooms did this love of ours,
That we, by that time, were as thick as thieves !"
Then basking in thy sunny smile I lay,
The nectar of thy rosy lips did taste ;
But ah! those precious hours are passed away,
And I have dipped into the bitter cup
Of disappointment-just a little sup!
And now my arms enclose, not thine, but Memory's waste!
As you Plays.
AMONG the preparations now making on a grand scale for the core-
*,nation of the EtMPEROR of AUSTRIA at Buda-Posth, as King of
; Hungary, two fountains are mentioned, which will play the whole
Sday, one throwing up white and the other rod wine. We trust this
Mistaken policy is not to be taken as an omen that the EePEnon still
continues ignorant of the real wants of the people. To judge from
the erection of these fountains, he seems to labour under the belief
that he is to be King of the thirsty, not Hungary.
Coming of Age.
THE Government measure of Reform, though rather a short means ure
for its age, has attained its majority-twenty-one. We are not sure
whether it can be said to have reached years of discretion.
IT is stated that the Long Sirike is the Easter "piece at the Ply-
.mouth Theatre. We'll hope it will not be such a "brief hit" as it was
WE have heard a good deal about Sio rapid spread of education, lint
were not quite prepared to find to what an extent it has been carried,
as exemplified in the following :-
T be LET, a genteel semni-detachetd ciglit-roomed convenient IHOUSE, ontitlitd It
education at the l'Free GraIiiiiiar School, situate near the station, and within
forty-ltie minutes' ride of London.-Apply to, &e.
We shall expect to see SITur'sErAitu's schoolboy creeping to school
very like a snail, with his house on his back, going to take its share of
education. The Government might turn the idea to somni account in
the Reform Bill. Household Sullfrage, puro and unadulterated, they
would avoid, though hough they consider I householdd nffrange of sinon linails
the basis of ain extended franchise. Suppose they give a vote to every
householder whose house can pass an examination in the three V's-
reading, writing and 'rithmetic ;-the R's not calculated cclare aritom.
A Bad Look-out for Brand.
Ix COKE's Institutes it is stated that if a lieutenant or other that
hath commission of marshall authority in time of peace hang or other-
wise execute any man by colour of marshall law, this is murder." It
is rumoured that the Jamaica Committee intend to use this against
LIEUTENANT BRAND, arguing that tliere iS a slight mnisprint in tlio
passage, which should runm execute any man of colour by marshall
My Second was out in my First,
And got such a soaking, poor soul,
That his best clothes were soon made his worst,
And looked all the hues of my Whole.
A Literary Lord.
IF MR. BERESPORD HOPE had been raised to the 'Upper House as
LORD BEDGEUIuY, it is to be presumed that the Saturday Review would
have been created a peer-iodical.
nsbtrz to t e onbntz.
[TWe cannot return rejected MS8. or sketches unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
J. M. H., Bury St. Edmunds.-If the acrostic is a sample of the stuffs
you supply we had rather not deal.
W. H. D.-" A tale without much varnish" has too much size.
R. L. P.-We have our eye on the swindle, which shall be exposed by
Puix does not succeed in phixion.
K., Bayswater.-We have attempted over and over again to bring about
an improvement in the Queen's English of The Court Newsman, but in
A.S.-See last answer; and J. D. D., ditto.
R. C. B., Lincoln's-inn, says, Sir, I send the enclosed at your diieration.
Yours truly, etc." R. C. B. seems to have modelled his style on that of the
burglar who wanted, the other day, to send his boot at Baron Bramwell'"
BLUNDERBUSS may consider himself discharged with a caution.
PIscA'ro.-That fish has been landed before, we fear.
RoB Roy sends us a joke about a chignon. Can he be Rob RAoy
W. W. COICK.-We have nearly got a crick in our neck, in our conter-
tions to see your fun.
R. P., New Cross.-Since you don't wish us to give you pain, we will
only say declined with thanks.
CERBERUS.-Surely with your triple capital you can know little of the
necessity for Going a Head." We have not three heads, and our single
one is awfully muddled by your statement that your present efftrt in
before your earlier attempts."
A. S., Great James-street.-If your friend Niuvi wants an advertise-
ment he had better fork out.
FLAME might have had more intelligence than to send us sporting ditto.
"THE GHOST or LORD ByRON has not got the spirit of the poet, so
we suppose he is only HoME-made.
LEx.-We have inspected your sketch, and all we can say for it is
G. E. P.-You are an insidious party-but we can't!
Declined with thanks--W. G. S.; S. S. N.; It. R.; J. E. B.; Man ;
P. S., Liverpool ; T. M.; I. T. C.; J. H., Liverpool; J. C., Dorchbestr;'
Amina, Belgrave-road; U. C. S.; Sligo; B. Upper Clo(e; Prestich; Ben
Nevis; A. V. C.; WV. 0. ; J. B., Elmore-street; E. D. T., St. James's ?
Anonymous; S. D. P., Edinburgh; R. E. H., Scalples'; J. A. Haver-
stock-hill; J. HI. HI., Manchester; E. E., Sloane-square; K.; II. E. V. Di;
H. .. T., Islington; Q. E. D., Kensington; G. E. C,, Purto; Henry;
W. H.; E. H.; E. G., Kentish Town Road; II. E. C,, Ipswieh;
G. E. P.; W. M., Brighton.
[APRIL 27, 1867. i
EASTER MONDAY ON HAMPSTEAD HEATH.
Erem in these days of cheap excursions there are large numbers of
Londoners who cannot afford a more expensive run on Easter Monday
than a jaunt to Hampstead Heath-or rather, as much of it as
Bir THOMAS MAtRYON WILSOa'S excavations have left. That very
public-spirited gentleman having, it it is to be presumed, been fairly
gravelled in his attempts to enclose the heath, has made up his mind
to be completely sanded by opening it. Immense pits, big enough to
bury St. Paul's and take in the Monument up to its shoulders, have
been dug on the heath. In these the water accumulates, and as boys
will go near water (for any purpose save that of ablution), and will
also tumble in, and as these pits are deep and steep, serious accidents
occur at times. We suppose the law forbids the cutting down of trees
on the heath, but of course it cannot prevent the wind from blowing
them down; and if a tree e left in these excavations standing on a
sort of pillar of sand and gravel, the chances are the first cat's paw of
wind uproots it. But, then, nobody cut it down, so it's all right.
Let the British public, therefore, enjoy what is left of the Heath
while it can. The dispute with SIR T. i WILSONe is only too likely
to end in one way. When private advantage is at conflict with public
interest the latter generally goes to the wall. What is everybody's
business is done by nobody, but the individual who has everything to
gain for himself is sure to look after his own interests.
In the meantime, let us be gay, oh, our cockney brethren. Sound
the loud trumpet and strike the light jackass until he caracoles on the
dusty turf. The weather is still mild, and therefore let us be grateful
that the ginger beer will not be tepid, nor will lemonade be hot in the
mouth that is parched with a desire for coolness. Take a suck at the
orange and at it again! Here be donkeys to ride, and ponies, with
harder ribs and more of 'em than any full-grown clothes-horse can
boast. As for pace, there's no end to the variety. But as you love
us, do not permit the brute that drives the superior animal to belabour
it with his cruel stick. The merciful man is merciful to his-or any
other man's beast-besides, you might turn out to be an ass yourself
Kiss in the Ring is an intellectual game. We pray you be not too
rough at it, and remember a kiss is none the better for being audible a
mile off-it smacks of vulgarity.
For the quieter sort, the contemplative cockney, thwe is the gentle
art-or rather the worm art. A stick, a bit of cotton, and a worm,
will give you good sport with the sticklebacks *. We have asked the
Inspector of Fisheries, and he has asked Ma. BUCKLAND, and he says
it's the open season, so fish away! You don't require a crooked pin-
no cruel hook is necessary. Tie a bit of a match to your cotton for a
float, and when you see it bob, strike sike smartly, and the chances are
your fish will not have time to let go the worm, and so, if the fates
are kind and he does not fall in the water, you may secure him for
As for refreshments, are there not kettles in the Vale of Health, and
s'rimps at Jack Straw's Castle ? Tea does not grow wild on the
Heath, but chopped birch broom will be found an excellent substitute,
and you can either prepare it yourself or buy it in the form of our
3s. mixture at the nearest grocer's. As for eatables, bread and butter
will be found wholesome, and if dropt on the ground (in which case
the laws of specific gravity always turn it buttered side down) will be
found to acquire small gravel, which is very digestive-if we may
trust the light of nature as exemplified in ducks. Sandwiches are
good too-especially if carried about all day in a tin box, when they I
acquire a rich metallic flavour.
A Journalistic Jotting.
THE Glowworme, which started as a sporting paper, has of late given
its attention so much to racing that the lovers of other sports are
hurt at the preference. We believe the disciples of IZAAK WALTOS
meditate starting a fishing organ to be entitled the Lobworm.
A Deer-sleigher's Dictum.
"Cela va sans dire," as the accomplished Laplander remarked on first
seeing a railway train.
This curious little fish makes a nest-like a bird? If you find one, take it home
and sit on the eggs. The experiment has not been tried, but we see no reason why
it shouldd not succeed-hens can hatch out ducks. A report of your success would,
no doubt, be welcomed by Land and WVoter.
W- "FUN" tous is Aereredis, chez Missas. W. S. KntAM ww
xr CIE., Sue de Riehelime, No. 27, Paris.
Loads: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phicnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commome, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDBR, at 80, F1eet-street, E.C.-
Aprl 27, 1867.
==-- = 1=
3MAY 4, 1867.] F U N 77
BY THE SAUNTEREm IN SOCIETY.
that the French are
famed for their po-
a a liteness. They give
s l peol 'eway (even on Lux-
S embourg questions)
s with a good grace.
a. t But they can con-
cede too much, and
jf their "concessions"
at the Exhibition
have been so numer-
ous, that a terrible
conflict of interests
e w one firm the right
of giving you a
conceded" to some
Sone else the right of
alloy=g you to sit
don to eat it. The result is that there are y in tugging at
one's pocket where five would be enough. O V, th OGaimeter is
getting on with its internal arrangements, pieces are coming down,
and improvements going forward generally; so perhaps, by the time
TE a Covent Garden, is more brilliant, if pos le, than ever this
season. Costa's band is the best in Europe, say good w ui4l of music.
The orchestra at the Paris opera play the am ea ike great
masters, but want the purity of tone and grader of style which
make Cosi 's band so !remarkable. The new Mephisypbeles, Pairr
Igs well, thogh a little weak in his lower notes. He is a very
jovial faL Luce su eeds better in the second and third acts than in
the fourth, which re unusual physical powers; bat she is a most
fascinating Margueite. With MAIO, the prince of tenors, with
Pm and, Lucta, and, above all, with the grand orchestra, which
does such honour to M. GOrf taste and lib ality, the per ance
of Faust at ent Garden is something not to be gotten
Twas awthr Monday Review went off admirably. The railway
arrangements were admirable, although it was a first attempt, and a
few blunders might have been exusable. It would seem that the only
egagement-s the London, Chatham, and Dover line cannot keep are
financial ones. In fact, only share and debenture holders have a right
to growl at it The public are admirablyserved by it. Its stations
are palatial, its carriagealuxurious, and its officials, from the supern-
tendents to the porters, are the most civil in England.
Tag Newavendor' Benevolent and Provident Institution will give its
annual dinner in June next. M W. RH. 8rm will take the chair,
and no fitter man could be found for the post. "S n awn Sons"
a truly British name, by the way-seems to be like the British empire.
I fancy the sun never sets upon it-as the evening shades close over
the bookstall at the Land's End, the grey of dawn illumines thepaer-
boy-at-the-Nore. (This maybe asrnicallyand eaphicalyaim
possible, but the figure is pretty, so let it stand.) usly speaking,
Company, complains of some remarks which the Star makes on his
eorps. That journal, intending to be complimentary, talks about
i" cavaliers, with a fireat of plumes waving proudly above the comn-
lpany's hat," and explains how it is that certain members of the body
"add feathers to their regulation hats." As the tion "hat" of
the H. 4. C. is a bearskin, like that of the Foot I can quite
derstand my correspnden feelings n ing ause of moun-
ing it with a forest ofplunmes. The re;n61 acts are, that commissioned
offlcera, on joining the veterans, wear the ordinary cocked hat of a
*a officer of the Regulars, with the" mushroom jIume." Privates
1the Veterans wear a smalH rel and white "hll-tuft" in the chako.
member that the Star is a peaceful organ, which cannot be exp rted
to be up in mility questions, or know that infantry d in fi or-
pnes, -not, asit says, in "squadrons."'
esllafrata ege, Barnetape, andsidghtage has just raubed
me. I have only had time, as yet, to dip into its tarued and iateres
ig eed, I must admit that I took an unfairdvantage of
auin r and peeped at Se termination of therolame to se how it
cedall end. But I will not fel, for ar of the enjoyment
As for the theysare -ifdly gilt (Ifl an like thisI
l soo bee toWi :iisms for the hasionable papes.)
WHY will people use terms without reflecting on their meaning ?
The other day the Court Journal in describing an accident said, "the
pony slipt," and his rider fell heavily, and had a concussion of the
brain-whichis always attended with more or WIe danger." It rather
strikes me that there are few accidents that ate not always attended
with more or less danger.
The Sporting Gaette is showing us what hraphotype can do-and
can't do. If any one could make it show to a vantage it would be
" Phiz," the most skilful and experienced of draughtnmen, and if any
printing or paper could make it look well, it would be such as the
Sporting Gaewtta gives it. But the blocks are blurry and rotten as
stereos, and seem utterly incapable of being "brought-up" as printers
say. A specimen of the style of work which the Graphotype can do,
and for which, therefore, it is suited, will be found at page 304 of the
8. 0. for April the 20th.
I Am glad to see that Pa, BuTLza, of Harrow-not Da. BVLLEa, as
the P. M. G., the organ of educated men, persisted in calling him the
other day-'b7a decided against Latin versifclation as a necessity of the
curriculum. t may be an elegant accomplie ment and even an
amusement to some, but to the majority it was tedious and useless
agony. Apropos of the'BvLLzt bull-it is possible the editor of
the P. M. U., has, like most swells, a defeotiv4 memory for
names. I see he can't even give the his due, fti the other day
he talked about "Mephistophiean" character.
CROQUET: AN ANTICIPATION,
BY A Youxo LIAD.
HOUILD the weather im-
.. rove still, by okey,
Y4, knocking the balls,
'Til the gloamig, all over
Inviting our friends sad
elbare In the plesures
And first ther'll be young
Who is terribly given to
And LAvsza s PArrst g
We call her the pitiless
Because she so spoons, and
shWhose brooch there's a
(Not that her brooch wili
a hectic be,
But the rhyme this the sole way to tresarll be);
And there is Yovwo Cous, who will try
To play with that glass in his eye,
Bat manages always to drop it
When hes making his stroe, sad ean't stop it;
And there's SBrooxv, who hits the wrong ba,
And Miss Mryr who can't hit one at all;
Mses Brusa, who's a player expert
If she only consents not to flirt;
And Mws KrEx who has got a sly way
Of pretending she really can't pla,
That OArAIB m Bo0ws-" plen eaeher I"
May gallantly oAfer to tft&fec r;
Old Mus fStmza whothinks aoqwrt "eke"-
(If not watched! she will bit her UaB twice);-
And that amiable MoEB, whets asrt-sightnl,
And to trip o'&r the lhoops seems dligi4;-
There'l be these, and a great many mOP,e
I onald soon swell the list to a saVer,
Or at least to a couple of dozea-
Amid la-1 fsri theWe's my Coasis-
Fas,-whsaet ay be always slSMd en,
It6s Wd that ImMalws s sides
[MAY 4, 1867.
AND THE CAPTAIN DIDN'T SEEM TO LIKE IT I
Vendor of fusees :-"I SAY, Miss, MY HANDS IS SO JOLLY COLD; LEND US THAT 'ERE MUFF-YOU CAN'T WANT two ON 'EM."
M.P. versus P.M.
JoHN HODGE liked the Bill-but the House would reject it,
So I'll write to our member," said he.
Come, tell me, friend Dick, for I can't recollect it-
Must I call him P.M., or ALP. ?"
"A mere transposition-what matters it, mate ?"
Said Dick, who was fond of a pun.
For M.P. declareth a son of the state,
And P.M. a state of the sun! "
A Train of Thought.
THE Daily Telegraph is noted for making startling discoveries, but
we were certainly not prepared for its latest revelation. In an article
on a recent police case we read that one of the witnesses-
Specially noticed MR. KEPPeL, because he was reading aloud in the train-a
peculiarity which, if we remember rightly, also distinguished PARsoN ADAMs."
Well, FIELDING'S parson is recorded to have done strange things,
but even he must have found it difficult in his day to read at all in a
A YOUNG barrister of our acquaintance proposes to move for a new
trial for ADMIIIAL PERSANO. The defence he intends to adopt is this:-
He will urge that PE1SANO was fated to be defeated because the enemy's
admiral was to get off (TEGETHOFFo).
Going on Swimmingly.
WE hear a number of ladies are about to set a good example to their
sex, by forming a "swimming club." And quite natural too, the
A HIT-A PALPABLE HIT.
No one can say the tailors did not strike while the iron was hot.
WANTS WE CAN'T RECONCILE.
OrF the curiosities of advertising there is no end! But really the
following instances are worthy of quotation:-
TO THOSE WHO ARE RICH, BUT LONELY AND DESOLATE.-The Ad-
vertiser, who has suffered the loss of fortune, and who has to struggle hard
for the simplest fare, feels assured that in some nook and corner of our land there
are some who, though comfortably rich, yet have no relative, and perhaps scarcely
a friend, who might be willing to adopt him as a son. The advertiser is a gentle-
man by birth, education, and profession, is married, and has seven children. He
would gladly take the name of his benefactor, and endeavour to show his gratitude
by every means in his power.-Apply by letter, Z. Z. Z., J. A. H., Esq., etc., etc.
NEXT PRESENTATION to a LONDON CHURCH WANTED.-Wanted, the
Next Presentation, with immediate or very early possession, to a Church in or
near London ; income from titles or other certain sources preferred, but an eligible
pew-rented Church might be taken, and even a newly-formed district, if possessing
advantages. Price not to exceed two thousand pounds.-Apply by.letter, Z. Z. Z.,
care of J. A. H., Esq., etc., etc.
Our impression as we glanced at the beginning of the first advertise-
ment, was that we had a cabman on the look out for the unprotected
female; for the man who struggles hard for the "simplest fare," might
think himself lucky in being hailed by her. However, it seems the
party who wishes to meet with rich people, with scarcely a friend
who might be willing to adopt him" is a gentleman by education as
well as profession. We trust his promise of gratitude is more disin-
terested than his offer to change his name seems to be-who would not
gladly exchange Z.Z.Z.-possibly ZECHARIAH 'ZEKIEL ZIGmzAG-for
some more aristocratic title, say JOHN SMITH P The second advertise-
ment is candid enough. The advertiser wants a presentation to a
London church, and is not particular as to the number of inhabitants,
or the height or lowness of its practices. All he is anxious about is
the money. "An eligible pew-renting" or an income from tithes or
certain sources "-these be his principles.
Z. Z. Z., it will be observed, is the author of both compositions.
Did it not strike him that it was rather inconsistent to talk about hard
struggles and poverty in the former, and then make a bid of two thou-
sand pounds for a living in the latter ?
MAY 4, 1867.] FUN 79
THE BETTING MAN'S BANQUET.
A HORS(E) D'(EUVRE.""
1 L UI S H E D with his winnings and his wine, 1\ |
A betting man, through Paris going,
~,^T _.. "Entered a restaurant to dine; "-I
Ci VJ-' ~Lured by a placard glowing. ,
On horse-flesh soon he set his heart,
His appetite was strong and steady; .
He called; the waiter brought the carte,
Qw': Before the horse was ready! ._f'.f'
? The steed from which those cutlets came, + .',
f[ Now brought him by the smiling waiter,
"- <' nHad once, perchance, a racer's fame, l.*i
."i Though now a sorry plater! V "'/
Unmoved, he ate the roasted hack,
And smacked his lips, and praised the jelly-
The horse, perhaps, he used to back, g i
He now proceeds to belly!
What though, at times, remorse he feels,
Good wines will serve him as an opiate,
And common sense itself reveals
Still hocks as most appropriate! ,
hBs hocks are still enough, poor steed, '" ," Ji .
Who little thought, a prancing winner,
That he should ever come to feed "
A betting-man at dinner! h .
He ate, and ate, the flavour seemed 4 ;
Nicer by far than beef or mutton;
And little of the cast he reamed,
Hippophagd his ti ps gluttonan pa!
For though the tavern bill was light,
And cheerfully and quickly settled,
All through his visions of the night
A charger rode, high mettled f
A hundred shapes the phantom took,
In swift and hideous transformation,
For some of which you need but look_
At B onA s a's illustration!
In agony and fear he lay,. (
Oppressed by shapes he could not banish;
And not before the Peep o' Day s3.
Did the head-centaur vanish!
80 F N [MAY 4, 1867.
ACT. I. ScENE I.-Interior of EcoLs's House in Stangate.
Enter CAPTAINS HAWTRsE and D'AL oY.
CAPT. D'A. (sternly).-Nay, Hawtree-do not haw here. You
would not haw in Lady Florence's house; neither shall you in that of
Esther Eccles, Columbine though she be! [HAwTREE is abashed. B.
Enter ESTHER and her sister POLLY.
ESTHER.-My Captain D'Alroy! [They embrace.
PoLLY.-My Captain Hawtree! [They embrace.
CAPT. D'A.-Esther, I love you madly! Be mine.
EaTHrE.-But your mother, the Marchioness-do you think she
would be pleased ?
CAPT. D'A.-Pooh! Are you not virtuous ? Are you not beautiful ?
Are you not, in short, an angel ?
ESTHER (bashfully).-It were, indeed, affectation to deny it.
CAPT. D'A. (argunentatively).-Very well, then!
CAPT. H. (ehaniging the subject).-Haw!
CArT. D'A. :-,.. :.' .-What, again ?
CaPT. H.-Beg pardon, I'm shaw. Polly, you're a sweet gal, 'pon
PoLLY.-Oh, g'long! (giggling.)
Enter SAX GEREIDGE.
SAx G.-Ha! My Polly g'longing with a long captain ? (To
HAwTstE).-Sir, I am a gasfitter.
CAPT. H. (ironically).-Ha F I quail! [Pretends to quail.
CAPT. D'A. (to EsTRER).-Then you will be the Honourable Mrs.
EsTHnR :-i,'.'").--Won't I? That's all!
Enter EccaLs, very drunk.
ACT II.-ScNE 1.-Interior of D'ALAoY's quarters in Mayfair.
D'ALEoY and ESTHER discovered fondling.
CAPT. D'A.-Now you are the Honourable Mrs. D'ALnoY.
ESTHER.-And your regiment is quartered in Mayfair.
CAPT. D'A.-Strange quarters for an officer of Dragoon Guards.
But such is life!
ESTHER.-Your mamma, the M1archioness, does not know of our
CAPT. D'A.-No. I forgot to mention it to her-it escaped me.
ESTHER.-Will she be pleased, do you think ?
CaPT. D'A.-I should say she would be delighted. Oh, by the bye,
I forgot to tell you that I am going to India this afternoon.
ESTHER.-My Captain D'Alroy going to India? Ah, me!
.Enter POLLY, CAPTAIN HAWTREE, and GERBRIDGE.
CAPT. H.-Come, it's time to go to India. [Carriage drives up.
CAPT. D'A.-Confusion, it is my mother!
[Bundles the girls into back room.
Enter the MARCHIONEss.
MABcn.-Oh, I heard you were going to India to fight the niggers,
so I thought I would drop in and say good-bye.
CAPT. D'A.-Thanks. Good-bye, mamma.
MAncH.-Spoken like a brave boy. It reminds me of NAPOLEON, at
Fontainbleau, as described by FROIssaRT. As I am thinking of
giving public readings from that work, I will, with your permission,
recite a chapter of it, by way of rehearsal.
[Recites a chapter of Froissart. ESTHER, in the back room, can stand a
good deal, but she can't stand apublie recital-so she faints.
MARCH.-Ha! What was that ?
[Rushes to back room. Sees ESTrER fainting.
MAKcA. (sternly).-Is this all right; or is it Guilty Splendour ?
CAPT. D'A.-It is all right. She is my wife!
CAPT. H. (anxious to put an end to a painful scene).-Come to India.
MARcH.-What is she ?
CAPT. D'A.-A Columbine.
MARCH.-Go. I do not recollect any passage in Froissart which
refers to a Heavy Cavalry Captain marrying a Columbine; but I will
recite his chapter on the Whigs of the Administration, which is some-
what to the point. [Recites another chapter.
CAPT. D'A.-Good-bye, mamma. I am going to India to fight the
Paynim foe. We may never meet again.
MARCH.-Go. I spurn thee! (Aside.) It appears to be my painful
lot to have invariably to quarrel with near relations just as they are
starting for seats of war. I remember having just such a row with
my first husband, Sir Alexander Shendryn, on his departure for the
Crimea. That was before young McAlister changed his name to
Hawtree on coming into money, and exchanged into a heavy cavalry
CAPT. D'A.-Farewell! [Allfaint.
ACT mI-Same as Act 1. Enter EcLns, drunk.
Enter ESTHn, a Widow.
ESTHER.-My husband was killed in action. By a singular eoin i-
dence, the moment he was killed I became a widow. It *oulan't be
believed in a play. [lt.
Enter POLLY and GhRkBDGa.
GERRIDGE.-Polly, we will marry.
POLLY.-Gerridge, we will! T o.
Enter D'ALRoy. All scream.
CAPT. D'A.-How are you?
ALL.-We thought you were killed in action ever so long ago, and
Esther is under the same impression.
CAPT. D'A.-Oh, no-not at all. Where is my wife ? I should
like-I really should like to see her.
POLLY.-NO, you musn't. It would kill her. Go away, and I'll
break the news to her. [Exit D'ALnoY.
PoLLY.-Esther, you are sad. I will dance before you. There are
few things so charming, when one is low, as to have one's sister to
dance before one. [Dances before her.
ESTHER.-Ha! I see from the nature of your dance that D'Alroy
escaped from the Sepoys-that he is not dead-and that he is in the
CAPT. D'A.-My wife!
Enter the MAnCnioNESs.
MARcH.-My son not dead ? I am really pleased. This reminds
me of Froissart's description of Barnum's Museum.
CAPT. D'A.-Mamma, how could you be so unreasonable as to
object to your son marrying a Columbine ?
MAner. (melted.)-I quite see my error. But I have been a wrong-
headed woman all my life. When your friend, Hawtree, before he
changed his name, wanted to marry my daughter, I was fool enough
to object because he had only five and threepence a day. By the way,
I hear young Chalcote has gone on the stage, and got an engagement
at the Adelphi. I'm sure I hope he'll get on.
CAPT. D'A.-Thus is our play completed. Oftentimes
The boldest hearts will quail at gruesome crimes.
ESTHER.-I am the noblest girl you ever saw
Upon or off the stage, my pippins.
CAPT. H.- Haw!
GERRIDGE.-We'll celebrate our union in a tea-cup-
A word I've introduced to rhyme with-
MIACH.-This lesson you may learn from all that's past,
There's nothing half so thingummy as Caste !"
Ouxnsnvxs.-Well, it's a capital piece; extremely well written,
though perhaps a little prosy in the third act. Beautifully placed upon
the stage, and excellently acted by the best company in London.
But we must have our joke, for all that.
The Art of Sinking in Crime.
MANY a man," says DE QumNEY, in one of his best-known essays,
"has dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps he
thought little of at the time." This humorous inversion of ethics
would really seem to have suggested to the Jamaica Committee a most
grotesque procedure. By way of piling up that agony, the foundation
of which was laid in accusations of ruthless bloodshed, the negrophi-
lists have actually contemplated the terrible course of prosecuting
MR. EYIE for a misdemeanor! This bright idea is wonderfully con-
sonant with the Opium Eater's reasoning; with the little difference
that he was conscious of absurdity in the matter. Once begin this
downward path," says he, "and you never know where to stop. If
once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbery; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
May we venture to give the Jamaica Committee a hint ? Let that
respected body consider how far it may not be possible to extend the
charge of misdemeanor to one of solecism and questionable taste.
No Satisfying Them.
SoMe of the papers complain of the severity with which Ma. GLAD-
STONE has attacked the Ministry on the Reform Bill. They seem to
forget that the Government began this Personal Rating.
F UJ 1NU.-MAY 4, 1867.
The Honourable Member for Westminster.-" I BEG TO PROPOSE-THE LADIES !"
F'1UN.-MAY 4, 1867.
A RETIRING DISPOSITION.
Coriolanus (MR. GL*DST*NE :-"I banish you:-
And hero remain with your uncertainty !
Let every feeble rumour shake your hearts."
VALOUR ON THE ROAD.
. PEOPLE talk a good deal about National Defences. They mean Me!
I am National Defences. Why, shiver my sandbanks, where would
you be without me ? I never get a shilling from the Government; yet
I do more to protect you than army, navy, and volunteers put together.
If you will allow me to alter a popular ballad,
The Channel loves the country, and
They can't get over me !
It is not very often that I go ashore. I hang about the harbour and
*he beach, of course; but, except in very rough weather, you won't see
much of me in the town itself. Between ourselves, I don't greatly
Like the public thoroughfares. Talk about the Straits of Dover The
Crooked of Dover, I call 'em! I am very happy where I am.
On Easter Monday, however, I was a little interested; and I don't
mind saying so. It is years and years since I saw anything like a good
sham fight; as for real ones, they seem to have gone out of date alto-
glther! I verily believe that there has been nothing like a good,
practical combat in my neighbourhood since the Battle of La
So, when I suddenly heard the guns .of Dover Castle opening fire,
Jyou may imagine I was quickly on the alert. Between ourselves, I
"didn't think much of the British fleet. It was rather a one-horse
b&ir, as I hear the Yankee skippers say now and then. I've not a
,*ord to say against captains or crews, all of whom did their duty
smartly; but the idea of representing the naval strength of Great
Britain by an old paddle-wheeler, humorously called The Terrible,'
did strike me as just a little preposterous. As for the firing, it was
brisk and effective both from fort and fleet. I was hit a good deal,
naturally. I can hardly say that I have been black and blue ever
since; but, certainly, blue.
Concerning the shore operations I cannot speak with the same
authority; but, from all that I have heard, they seem to have been
perfectly satisfactory. You see, I just go into' the harbour now and
then, at stated times and tides, and,-whilst there, I naturally overhear
a good deal of conversation amongst the seafaring folks on the quay.
Of a night, too, I go listening about the ships in the Downs; and
during the night-watch, fellows are apt to get communicative.
I have not, hitherto, been in the habit of writing much for the public
press. In fact, when I get a newspaper thrown to me, it has
generally contained a sandwich; and, of course, it is wet and dis-
If, however, I could get a regular engagement on your paper, I
daresay my stories would be worth printing. Perhaps not, though; for
I get old-and old people are apt to be conceited.
I don't know why you selected me as your reporter at the Review.
I suppose you had private reasons of your own, or else you would
hardly have done it.
I hope you are quite satisfied with the result.
I 6 U N [MAY 4, 1867.
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIO PHYSIOGNOMIST.
THE C. P. is not a laudator temporis acti. The temnpus achttn was a
good sort of thing for its age, but it was young, and didn't know any
better. It had a great deal to learn, and as it grew up it made due
progress. It was a good sort of boy in its way, but it was not an
infant phenomenon. It learnt its lessons slowly, but it learnt them,
and remembered what it learnt. It took a great many years to learn
that blue paint was an insufficient walking dress-that shoes, with
toes a yard in length, were inconvenient when their wearer was in a
hurry-that, in the absence of umbrellas and hackney cabs, showy
feathers, velvet doublets, and bucket boots were expensive things to
wear in a heavy shower-that tights and pantaloons were difficult
things to put on and to take off-that coat collars coming above the
ears were ungraceful additions to an ordinary walking coat, and
that crinolines were inconvenient and indelicate nuisances. How-
ever, it learnt all these things in time, so the C. P. won't be too
hard on it.
The 0. P. will be accused of a daring innovation on received
opinions when he ventures to assert that in no respect has the
tempuis actum so materially improved as in the matter of Wags.
This is, he admits, a dreadful thing to say, and he is prepared
for a shower of anecdotes about Oxford scholars, right merrie
jesters, certain wits, pleasaunte fellowes, cunning wags, and so
forth, in contravention of his assertion. He will give you SIDNEY
SMITH, he will give you THEODORE HOOK, he will give you SHERIDAN,
he will give you STEELE, he will give you OLIVER GOLDSMITH, he will
not give you DOCTOR JOHNSON, he will give you SMOLLETT, SWIFT, and
STERNE, and, perhaps, a dozen others (including, as a matter of course,
the late Ma. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE) as instances of wags who are
quite up to the modem mark of first-class waggery, and in some in-
.stances, considerably beyond it. But it must be remembered that many
of these eminent gentlemen were working an almost virgin mine-they
were shooting over a moor before the birds became scarce or shy. A
hundred years ago there were fewer means of publishing the death of
-a good joke than there are now, and two hundred years ago there were
fewer still. If MR. H. J. BYRON had lived in the halcyon days that
,immediately preceded the manufacture of the riddle about a door being
.a jar, what a rollicking time he would have had of it! He could have
'written a burlesque a day with the utmost ease. In point of fact, with
our ancestors of two hundred years ago a very small joke went a very
long way, whereas, nowadays, a joke must be very new and very good
to go any distance at all. The C. P. does not take into consideration
the very small jokes that go a very long way in certain burlesque
theatres, because the people who howl with joy over them are the very
people who encore break-downs, and they may, therefore, be considered
as entirely beyond the pale of sane society. As a rule, the best bur-
lesque jokes don't go at all; they are appreciated only by the most
intelligent and least demonstrative portion of the audience.
The C. P. finds himself straying into a
dissertation on modern burlesques, which
was not the task he set himself when he
began this paper. He proposes to deal
rather with private than with public wags
-with those social swindlers who are con-
tinually wanting you to honour intellectual
drafts on a bank at which they have no
Here is a particularly horrible specimen
of this misguided race. He is particularly
horrible because he is not only guilty of the
common dishonesty of his class, but having
committed the crime, he endeavours to lay
it at your door. He will give birth to a
peculiarly aggravating jokelet, and then he
will affect to thrust you from him with a
"IGo along, you dog!" as if you, and not
he, had been guilty of the offence. He is
very angry with you if you don't see his
jokes at once; and if you do, or affect to do,
he will give you no mercy. The best 4v
opponent to a man of this kind is another
of his own class-they will go on at each
other like those vindictive insects known to school-boys as "soldiers
and sailors," until both retire exhausted from the contest.
Here is another objectionable specimen of the Social Wag. He is
a wag who is continually preparing little intellectual pitfalls for you
to tumble into, and when you tumble in (which, as a matter of course
you do, not supposing that anyone could think it worth his while to
resort to such shallow devices for the purpose of taking you in) he
celebrates his triumph with an irritating chuckle, like an ungrateful
conjuror who has invited a member of his audience to assist him in his
delusions, and ends by making a public fool of him. This inconve-
an early age with a singular but
apparently harmless request that
when he said "I one my mother,"
you would reply with the incoherent
remark I two my mother," and
so on, through the early numerals
until you found that you had com-
mitted yourself to the statement "I
eight "-that is to say, hate-"my
mother," at which undutiful admis-
sion you were expected to be over-
whelmed with confusion and re-
morse. He is fond of asking you \
riddles that have no answers he
bets you that he will make you leave
your room between five and six in
the morning, and if you take his
bet, he will write five on one door
post and six on the other, and will
then expect you to pay him. If any
of his riddles have answers they are
of a nature, in the highest degree
uncomplimentary to yourself-you are unlike the head or tail of a
donkey because you are no end of an ass, or you are like a motherless
lamb, because you are not worth a dam.
Here is a modest beginner. He lets out his
little jokes in a timid, hesitating way, blushing
and tingling all over, and especially down the
back, if they happen to fall unheeded. He is
the direct opposite of the gay blusterer who -
stands first in this paper, but there is no saying
that he will not grow up into him, in time. It
is a common device of his to try the value '
of his jokes by putting them, in the first in-
stance, as good things he has heard somebody
else say. He is a constant anonymous con-
tributor to the waste-paper basket of this
journal, and his contributions are invariably
accompanied with a pretty little complaint
which he supposes will have the effect of
tickling the personal vanity of an Adamantine
Editor. Emolument is to him as nothing, com-
pared with the distinction of descending to
posterity in "the humblest corner of this Ad-
Here is a good-natured old wag of the old
school. He doesn't come out very strong at home,
except when he is carving a joint at dinner, on
which occasion he throws in a few matter-of- 4 ,
course jokes, the perpetration of which he looks
upon rather as a duty to society like the
grace-than as anything else. But it is when he is in a theatre, or in
a public conveyance, or on a race-course, or at a public meeting, or a
review of Volunteers, or a Lord Mayor's show, that he comes out in
fullest force. On these occasions he always contrives to place himself
on intimate terms with the persons who happen to stand or sit next to
him, and upon these much-suffering beings he pours forth the vial of
his fun. He would as soon think of throwing away a DOLLOND'S tele-
scope because he had once looked through it, as of discarding a joke
because he had once uttered it. He wears a wig, the C. P. verily
believes, solely because it is a provocative of
sly jests, and it is not impossible that a similar
fluenced him when
he made up his
mind to grow
quist, which means
that he is a gen-
tleman who has
acquired, with in-
finite pains, the
art of chuckling
with the root of
Shis tongue instead
of with the tip of
A that instrument. I-
MAY 4, 1867.]
CHANTING HIS PRAISES.
-Dealer :-" AH, IT'S A PLEASURE TO SHOW A 'OSS TO A GENT THAT'S A JUDGE. A HIGH CLASS ANIMAL LIKE 'IM, DIRECK FROM TIHE
BREEDER, DON'T WANT NO TALKING ABOUT TO A GENT-YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, SIR-LIKE YOU : HE'LL SELL HISSELF."
[So he does-and the little victim too.
You are required to believe that a chuckle produced under these cir-
cumstances can represent, at his will, a gentleman up a chimney, or in
a box, or in the act of expostulating violently while being gradually
buried alive. In' addition to this accomplishment, he will give you
imitations of popular actors without number, particularly MR. CHARLES
KEAN and Ma. BUCKSTONE, and he will kindly begin by telling you
the name of the gentleman he is about to imitate, so that there may
be no mistake about it. But his favourite effect" is an imaginary
conversation between himself and a Hindoo widow in the act of being
gradually buried alive with her deceased husband. No one would
suppose, from the inhuman manner in which he chaffs the unfortunate
victim of superstition, as spadeful after spadeful of earth is thrown
upon her to smother her expostulations, that he is really not a blood-
thirsty miscreant when you get him at home.
Do not think, forgetful FLORENCE,
Now I've read you like a book,
That I hold you in abhorrence
For the silly course you took.
In the silks that he has drest you,
Eat your muggy meals at two,
FLORENCE! I cannot detest you,
I can only pity you 1
Fling aside all social fetters,
Patronize his doubtful friends,
For his ignorance of letters
You can surely make amends.
I was foolish not to doubt you,
When you said what wasn't true,
Others say hard things about you,
I can only pity you!
jnzbmv to atestane.
[ We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
SPEs.-Who would not like to gather his spes so early as this F But in
this case they have not come up yet-at least not to our standard.
GLADIUs.-Should have sword" higher.
A CORRESPONDENT writes, "Dear Fun, make 'Fun' of the above.
0. Y." Oh, how ? it should be.
J. P., Camberwell.-The contribution you send as "an attempt to earn
an honest crust" is so small that even if accepted it would hardly realize a
H. R.-The paragraph you enclose contains H. R.ming blunder; but we
have done it long ago.
C. M.-That "head center" again! This is going a-head, for it's more
than the 19th scenter-y we have seen.
S. T., Islington.-Those lines are not yours. If you can't write yourself,
do not wrong another.
BETSY H.-You can, if you wish, but we don't advise you to do so.
ONE ov 'EK" is thanked.
F. B. H., Gibson-square, who sends us "a tale of the drapery trade,
that you may use if it is suitablee" is informed it is not suit-us-able.
J. R. K.-Too disconnected.
P. R. Y., St. Helen's-place, sends us an MS., and "regrets that on
account of the limited time at his disposal it is not by any means what he
should like." It is by no means what we like, and we.are inclined to think
something more than his time is limited.
BEN :-e Ridicolo.
E. J. B.-We fear it has been mislaid. Please send it again.
Declined with thanks-An Honest Man; Cantab; G. L., Coventry-
street; G. F. N., Sevenoaks; Vance; C. B., Holloway; Ap Shenkin;
S. H., Bow; A. S. S., King's Cross; J. M. S., Glasgow; Y. Y. B.,
Royton; J. K.; Nipt in the Bud; Jack, Woodbridge; T. G., Newton Lo
Willows; W. F., Batley; A. B., Bradford; H. G., Bromsgrove; Sea Bee;
Y. J. T. D. R.; L. L.; Blarney; G. E. P.; Neptune; F. J. W., South
Hackney; J. F. H., Leicester; A Bachelor, Liverpool.
88 FU N. [MAY 4, 1867.
i! I 'i",, N o. 8.
SI ',' A us and an eager crowd,
SUpon the greensward shouting loud,
SLL II '! And hearts beat high and one is proud,
L ( ,, While through the surging throng, I
A streak of vivid colour runs,
S. And cheered by England's 'cutest sons,
The readers.of a thousand FUNs,
My second speeds along.
.o -' "t ois I'm off to the fight, bring my steed," cried the knight,
SI And the sword that I value the most;
For a something I've made that I'll flourish the blade
In the eyes of the Saracen host."
S w ; 2.
SWhen morning comes and brings no morning joys,
When tea's a mockery and breakfast cloys ;
When you look back upon the night with grief,
This with a pleasant sound brings swift relief'
A refuge for the wretched in distress,
Whd there put on a most peculiar dress.
The Cardinal took out his holy book,
With sinister smile and his sternest oook;
The culprit he bent to the earth and heard,
The terrible meaning of this one word,.
tt t tThis name is prison'd, if you look, e..mrtinis
SI Among the feet of Tennysonian rhymes.
All the dear old mythic stories
Of Rome's ancient splendour flew
Fai away before him; glories
SHe believed in all were true.
] .ANSWER To AcuosTIC No. 6.
S Sallust T
P Presto 0
RATHER W ARM. A Adder R
N Newsman N
Cool Party (to monopolist of the fireplace) :-" IF YOU WILL PERSIST IN COOKING I Ida A
YOURSELF LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE FIRE, SIR, WE SHALL HAVE TO TRY YOU S Sword D
WITH A FORK TO SEE WHEN YOU'RE DONE!" H Hero 0
[N.B.- We dedicate this hint to those who like a share of the CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACRosTIc No. 6, RECEIVED 24TH AParL.
fire at railway stations and other public places. -Mew mew; Fifty-seven; Blackheath; Jib-jobbey.
PARIS PENCILLINGS. you a general account of the whole Exhibition, but I must defer that
till some other time.
BOHEMIA-IN-PARIs. Having so far clearly explained the cause of my perturbation of
DEAR SiR,-I write in a si. of excitement bordering on lunacy!! mind, I know you will pardon the wild and ecstatic manner in which I
I have tasted bl- I mean beer!!! i of vour sodariferous Stras- have commenced this letter! I should not have visited the Exhibition
bourg! None of your bunged-up Bock Luyal!! But beer, sir! so soon, had I not read in all the London papers and periodicals that
Real beer! Bilre An4laise. Drawn from a real Le' r-engine, and it was a "gigantic fiasco!" Now being curious to know what sort of
handed to me in its native pewter by a Being! A beauteous! blithe a thing a "fiasco" was, never having heard of one before, I went,
bewitching!!! Being !!! and I blush to add I have not yet discovered, unless it is the Italian
Pardon my notes of admiration. Only step for one moment across for gasomnetre.
the channel into my shoes, and I will explain all. In those cases I did visit the picture galleries, and was much struck with the gawdy
imagine that you for the last six months had been banished from your and vulgar appearance of the English school! There are a good
native land, and had exchanged the society of well-beloved fellow many old favourites though. There is some Scented Soap and
students for the company of grubby, shock-headed 6tudianits of the Spinach" of LEIOGHTON's; and MILLAIB' "PErPER's Ghost Going to
odoriferous quarter Latin. That you had in vain looked for the um- Bed" causes much wonderment among foreigners who are not used to
affected charms and real colour of an English girl and found no better it. I overheard a veritable Yankee ask "Who that gay old rooster"
substitute than the trim, chic, and painfully conscious "Blondinette!" was "a-lettin' out a reef,"-a vulgar but forcible description of the
Tho' I must own her colour is magnificent!! or I'm no judge qf paint- "Eve of St. Agnes." WhISTLER's "Little White Girl" has been
ing .Rosy! I believe you! It's like her cheek! I say, sir, imagine ironed out fiat since I saw her last.
that this had happened to yourself, and that, in the midst of your Of coarse the place swarmed with noble Britons. By-the-bye, how
despair, you had heard rumours of a Grand English Refreshment is it that all the Englishmen with red whiskers and projecting teeth
Buffet at the French TExhibition-where the most lovely daughters of like tombstones will come to Paris? It is high time the French had
Albion preside over the taps!! Well, well may the Sidle talk of something new in the way of a caricature of "Le triste Anglais."
"les beles dresses Angqlaises troaes au comptoir !" SureLY some of MR. VANCE'S swells that strut about would answer
'Tis indeed a sight, I assure you, to stand at one end of the room the purpose well! Yours,
and look straight down the counter and observe the expression of PAINT Po0Ts.
spooniness on the faces of all nations.
You ask for some notes on the Machinery Department. People may
talk of the Great American Engine there! I say, go and see the 1W "FUN" may be obtained in Paris every Wednesday of MEssus.
Beer Engine in the Refreshment Department! I had intended giving KIIRKLAND AND Co., No. 27, Ruse de Bichelieu.
MAY 11, 1867.]
BY A CAD.
I LIKE to spend an evening out
In music and in mirth;
I think a party is about
The finest fun on earth:
And if I rarely patronize
The gay and giddy throng,
'Tis not, my friend, that I despise
The revel, dance, and song:
But I've a dread I can't express
Of going out in Evening Dress.
I'm partial to the British stage;
And-spite of its decline-
The drama, from a tender age,
Has been a love of mine.
You ask me why I seldom go,
And why I always sit
In one distinct, unvaried row-
(The second of the pit) ;
'Tis not because it costs me less,
But all along of Evening Dress.
I hate the habits which denote
The slave to Fashion's rule;
I hate the black, unwieldy coat
Which makes one look a fool.
I execrate the Gibus hat
(Collapsing with a spring),
The shiny boots, the white cravat,
And nearly everything
That's worn by dandies who profess
To be au fait in Evening Dress.
My braces break- a button goes-
My razor gives a slip,
And cuts me either on my nose,
Or else upon my lip;
Or, while I'm cabbing to the place,
A lot of mud or dirt
Gets plaster'd either on my face,
Or else upon my shirt.
In fact, I always make a mess
Of that infernal Evening Dress.
FROM OUR STALL.
WE can scarcely decide whether Ma. BEVERLEY's charming pictures
of London scenery have done Ma. ANDREw HALLIDAY'S Drury Lane
drama, The Great City, more good than harm, or more harm than good.
They form, it is true, a splendid setting to the piece; but, for that very
reason, they seduce the attention of the spectators from the piece. A
frame should never be so gorgeous as to distract one's interest from
the work of art enclosed in it: Our theatres are turned into pano-
ramic exhibitions nowadays; for our own part-and we are not at all
ashamed of being in the minority-we look on the playhouse as a place
better adapted for the display of passion and incident than for the
laborious representation of inanimate things. In a manager's eyes the
dramatic author appears little more useful than the gentleman in
white kid gloves who points out the beauties of Paris by night, or
lectures on the varieties of the Overland Route, and the horrors of the
earthquake at Lisbon. But the public will have it so, and the mana-
gers are wise in their generation. And now-after due admiration of
the pretty pictures-let us give Ma. HALLIDAY'S play a word or two of
praise. It is well suited to its purpose, and its many phases of Cockney
life are skilfully delineated. The interest of the plot centres in a
young and pretty governess, who finds herself unprotected in London,
and her father, an escaped convict. The villain of the piece is a liber-
tine, a forger, and a Member of Parliament. (Let us hope that the
wretch is an Adullamite!) The story is exciting as far as the com-
mencement of the last act; but a slight anti-climax occurs towards the
end of it, thanks to the fatal necessity for a concluding tableau. The
play is well acted, especially by MESSRS. COWPER, MACINTYRE, and
IRVING; MISS MADE ROBERTSON, and Miss LE THERE. MR. VILLIEas
was rather conventional as a Jew, and somebody else was outrageously
extravagant as an Honourable Mr. Dawlish.
MR. WM. BROUGH's Pygmalion (at the Strand) is neatly written, and
full of fun. The actors and actresses of this theatre are a little too
A MATTER-OF-FACT WOMAN.
Old Lady :-" I SEE YOU RFCOVEIn UMnRELLAS."
Shopman :-" YES, M'M. WHAT'S YOUR PLEASUI I"
Old Lady :-I WANT THE ONE I LEFT IN THE TRAIN LAST MONDAY.
broad for Mr. BROUGH's polished style; but with very good scenery
and dresses, and pretty good singing and dancing, the burlesque trips
along smoothly enough.
The Olympic extravaganza is from the pen of Ma. F. C. BURNAND.
Nearly the whole of its weight-and it is intensely heavy-falls on
the shoulders of Miss FARRES, who is always quite equal to an emer-
gency of this kind. Her dress is lovely; in fact, all the ladies' dresses
are more or less lovely. Miss LouisA MootE and Mfss AMY SHERIDAN
shine conspicuous amongst the goddesses; Ma. D. MaURAY does his
best with the character of Minerva; Mr. MONTA(IUE, as Mars, shows
a good deal of cleverness in a new line; and Ma. VINCENT seems
rather at sea in a part which is unworthy of him. The writing of
Olympic Games is not very conscientious in point of rhyme or smooth-
ness. Ma. BURNAND should not only mind his p's and q's, but his r's
as well. Here be dainty jingles :-
Minerva For Order Alarm
Fervour Law Marauder Calm
This is cultivating the led's clare artem with a vengeance; surely
prose or blank verse would be better than rhyme which is not rhyme.
Guit-ar-long with Ye!
ToxPKiNs, on hearing that the first Lyre bird ever brought to Europe
has just been presented to the Zoological Society, writes to ask if the
Lyre bird is the same thing as the Harpy of the ancients.
The Fourth Estate.
MR. GLADSTONE is to take the chair at the Newspaper Press Fund
Dinner on the 29th of June. The newspaper managers have taken
care to secure a good leader for their next issue.
Apropos of Recruiting.
"RANK" PoION :-The cat-o'-nine-tails.
VOL. V. I
BY THE SAUN'TERER 1N SOCIETY.
OME into the garden, Maud, for the
-- -- black bat, night has flown-as MR.
|- TENNYSON remarks. For "night"
read "winter," and nous voild May
seems to have effectually scared the
lingering rear-guard of cold and
z frosts ; the lilacs are in bloom, the
apple-trees are bursting their coral
--- -- buds, and life is becoming a thing
I-- 1 'J to enjoy, not endure. The Academy
i l .' and the picture galleries generally
are open as well as the lilacs. Of
the first-named, more next week-
it is not always easy, even for the
most imaginative among us, to de-
Sscribe a thing we have not seen,
and at the time of this present
writing, as far as I am concerned,
the Trafalgar Square show is like
the Spanish fleet-(I may say this
now, without endangering our
l S C -- peaceable relations with Spain)-I
cannot see it, because it is not yet
in sight. The Old and New Water
Colours are on view, though, and
-._ ^' .'. both axe well worth seeing. The
elder society does not give us enough,
in my opinion, to take the taste of
the BU RNE JoNESES out of one's
South. Nevertheless, WALxER,
WATSON, HAAG, BOTCB, and
-: _SHIELDS, do splendid work for the
honour of the gallery. Ma. BASIL
s B aDLE, hitherto known only as a
draughtsman on wood, appear; as a
new member, and contributes one
or two fine pictures. ME. LAMONT
is another who does much; but I
wish his figures were less spectral and flimsy. The picture which
perhaps catches hold of the memory most is HUNT'S November 11th,
One o'clock, P.m." In the younger society, the like is done by CARL
WERNER's "Thebes," with its group of Majestic Silences," as the
philosopher of Cheyne Walk would call them, seated round a quiet
Nile pool; one of them bending forward as if to see more clearly the
reflection of its own decay. HINE, SHALDERS, VACHER, BACH, CAT-
TERMOLE, HAYES, and MoeroRD, sustain the rising repute of the
Institute, and LINTON, the latest addition to the list of members,
vindicates the justice of his election. Moreover, one or two of the
ladies contribute worthy work-I can't say so much for the female
Associates of the Old Water Colour.
THE French Gallery has a better display than I ever remember to
have seen. The finest thing in the Gallery is a landscape by ToowN,
like one of TURNER's best. ViBERT and ALMA TADEMA also show to
advantage; and there is, on the premises," a splendid picture of
" King Candaules," by GsBOME, which is truly glorious.
THE National Portrait Exhibition is open. I have not yet visited
it; but I trust it is better managed than that of last year. Our well-
beloved COLE has done enough for one year in the selection of works
which he has made to discredit English Art at the Paris Exhibition.
I hope he has not found time to "manage" the portrait show, too!
I-and several members of the Royal Family-were at the Prince
of Wales's Theatre on Saturday week, and we enjoyed the performance
of Caste greatly. It is one of the best-written and most evenly-acted
pieces it has been my good fortune to see. MR. YOUNGE, to my mind,
makes a very decided step in his impersonation of the hero, a part
which at first sight seems to be out of his line. Eccles is a character
full of dangerous temptation, which MR. HONEY is not always able to
resist. Sam Gerridge is a slight part, which the genius of MR. HARE
endows with vitality and prominence. Altogether, the performance is
a rare treat. It is, perhaps, as well to add, that I have not (as the
papers state that a member of the Royal Family has) enjoyed the
performance of the great VANCE lately. When I do, I will take
care to admit the fact in large type. At present, I regret to say, I see
no probability of my taste coinciding with that displayed, in this in-
stance, in high quarters.
THE magazines are to hand. The illustrations to Cornhill are fair
this month, especially that to Stone Edge," in which, however, the
contemplative damsel might have been spared a little more arm.
Contents; heavy-ish-but an article on blank verse valuable. I can't
say so much for some Notes of Swiss Travel, enlivened (?) by very
[MAY 11, 1867.
amateurish sketches. L-ondon Society would show better if the first
illustration had been better engraved, and the second (by the late PAUL
GRAY) better printed. The best part of "Playing for High Stakes "
is SMALL'S illustration, which is charming. The worst part of "A
Strange Courhship," I am inclined to think, after long deliberation, is
the cut that is supposed to illustrate it. Of T. B., Argosy, and
Belgravia next week.
ROUTLEDGE'S Magazine for Boys keeps up its repute, in spite even of
MR. Ross's having attempted beauty and high art in lieu of the un-
adorned bad drawing by which he has hitherto distinguished himself.
The Waves and their Inmates and the Electrotype Process" are
full of information as well as entertainment. The Gardener's Magazine
will be welcome at this momentous season of the year to all who take
an interest in flowers-and who does not ? For those who take an in-
terest in artificial flowers-and in these days a single pansy of moderate
size constitutes a bonnet-Le Follet will be abundantly pleasant.
LONGFELLOW'S translation of DANTE'S Inferno has made its appear-
ance. It is one of the most readable versions of the great Italian's
work that I have met with, and is supplemented by copious notes such
as might be expected of a scholar like the professor. The edition be-
fore me-MEssRS. ROUTLEDGE AND SONS'-is well turned out.
I am glad to see that COLONEL RICHARDS'S claims as the chief
originator and promoter of the Volunteer movement of 1859 are about
to be acknowledged. I do not care for Testimonial Presentation as a
rule, but in this case it is as well that something should be done to
establish the gallant Colonel's claim to be the man who called our
Volunteer army into existence.
THERE is weeping in the city,
There is mourning in the hall,
Just as when stout hearts took pity
On the slain, at Roncesvalle.
With the spring-time and the salad
Comes the worst of human ills,
And the burden of my ballad
Is those fearful tailor's bills.
The heralds came out strong we're told,
And wore them stiff with braid of gold.
'Twas a glorious bite,
And he took it, and stutter'd,
From morning to night,
Every word that he utter'd.
A blood-red torrent in the ancient time,
It rolled sonorous through the poet's rhyme.
I know not what it presages,
That I am filled with dole:
A tale of the olden ages
Is heavy on my soul.
The air is cool and darkles,
And calmly flows the Rhine-
The peak of the mountain sparkles,
In evening sunset-shine.
The poet bid its knees be wrapt in fern,
Would you know more, then to his pages turn.
The people of England were camped on the lea,
And a deed was done there that made Englishmen free.
ANSWER TO ACROSTIC No. 7.
R Rum M
E Ego 0
V Vivien N
I Iceland D
E Elba A
W Wednesday Y
CORsECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 7, RECEIVED MAY IsT.-Tooting; -Monaline;
Fanny and Kate; Cab; Lazybones ; Stick in the Mud; Carver and Gilder
Carriglen; Hamish; Mamie; F. H.; Snip; Brymer; E. J. D.; A. T.; A. Gowk ;
Dot; Brick Court; Hermit; Xarifa; Radagisus; Sciatica; Frank and Maria -
J. S.; Query; Curly Green; D. E. H.; The Six Balls; Deep Tiought; Hallie;
Gad; H. E. V. D.; Sheerasaty; Ginger; Tyrtimus; Monks; A. deM; Three Sprats-
Schneider; Emma; R. A. C.; Iosco; Byngs; Bumblepuppy; J. W.; Leohuza
F. J. G. W.; Attempt.
SMAY 11, 1867.]
MRS. BROWN AND THE WINTER.
I'm sure it's a wonder as I'm alive to tell it, for of all the winters as
ever I remembers it certainly 'as beat 'em. Not as I can recollect
that one as froze up even the Rooshuns theirselves, as all perished in a
single night through a-settin' fire to their own place for to spite BONY-
PART, and the Thames froze over with a bullock roasted whole all over
the place, as is shameful waste I've heerd say, though never see it
myself, as must smell fearful I should say, with all the fat in the fire,
as the sayin' is. But certingly shall never forget that frost when the
Royal Exchange were burnt to ashes, and Mas. ML'DnoRD'S uncle, as
were one of them beadles as did used to stand in a cocked 'at, took to
'is bed through the chill as that fire- give 'im, and never was the same
man agin, as-'ad a chime of bells as played beautiful all the time it
were a-burnin', and struck up the Old 'Undredth to the very last, as
I well remembers a-hearin' myself in spending' the day on Cornhill with
a party as was a old friend of my dear mother's, and took care of
offices and never went out of that place for a holiday not for forty year,
as lived over seventy, and shows as fresh air can't be no use for the
health Butlawbless you, that was a flea-bite to last winter, and, as I
was a-sayin', it's a wonder as ever I lived through it, that it is, for I
took cold Christmas Eve as is a unlucky day for a cold to set in, and
I knowed as I should, all through that gal a-goin' out on a errand and
a-forgettin' the key, and me a-goin' to the door to let 'er in all of a
'eat through bein' busy in the kitchen.
I didn't feel the thing not the last day of the old year, and says
to BRowN as I'd rather not go out through'avin' promised to drink
tea along with 'is sister, as 'as been in Indy and only come 'ome in
November with two as sickly children as ever I set eyes on, as is com-
fortable off through a pension, but a deal too genteel for me, a-givin'
only a cup of tea and a bit of thin bread-and-butter as tasted of the
knife, and the butter salt and rather rancid, and a sandwich for supper,
and 'er gals a-showin' off on the pianer, as is all werry well now, but
won't never do when 'er housee is full of lodgers as 'as took a housee
down Camberwell way for to let lodgin's.
I didn't feel well when I left 'ome, and says to the gal for to 'ave
some bilin' water, a-thinkin' as I'd put my feet in 'ot water with a
handfull of mustard, as will draw the cold out, not as I Oldss much with
them bilia' water ways. We come away quite early from Mais. TAP-
WELL's, as is BRowN's sister, for I was precious sick of all thnt rubbish,
and BROWN a-getting cross at 'er foolishness a-talking of 'er daughters
marrying' gentlemen. As the eldest ain't but just sixteen, and a poor
mealy thing as ever you see; and as to the young one, she's a object,
so as we wasn't werry jolly, I said as I'd got a bad cold and would
rather go, and go we did.
It was a-sleetin' fast as we came out of Mas. TAPWFLL'S, so BROWN-
he got a cab and 'ome we went, and who should we find a-sittin'
waiting' for us but Mn. and Mies. LuxKEI, as is the oldest friends as
BaowN 'ave got, and 'ad stopped through the gal a-sayin' as we should
be in early for certain.
I was glad to see Mrs. LUKEiN, and set to work for to get 'em some
supper, as was a cold meat pie and some of the plum pudding fried,
and a bit of toasted cheese, as did werry well at a pinch, and arter
supper we 'ad a drop of 'ot punch for to drink the old year out and the
new year in, and BRowN would open the winder for to 'ear the bells
a-ringin', as give me a chill on the chest as a drop more 'ot punch
didn't seem for to carry off through it being' a piercin' cold night and
the snow a-fallin'. So I says to Mns. LuKEIN as she'd better stop all
night through, the spare bed bein' ready, as she was that dead-beat as
she agreed to, 'avin' left word where they was a-stayin' not to set up
for 'em arter eleven, as is reasonable 'ours.
BRowN and MIB. LuKEIN got a-talkin' over some property as he'd
got left 'im, MRS. LUKEIN and me went to bed, and arter seeing' as she
was comfortable, I goes to my own room and there was the kettle still
'ot though the fire was out, and though I was dead tired I thought
I'd put my feet in the 'ot water if only for a minit or two.
I don't remember nothing' more arter I'd put 'em in till I heardd a
'ammerin' noise as I thought was the workpeople opposite, and
a-thinkin' as some one was a-roastin' of my legs and feet as was hagony.
I give a start, and if I 'adn't been and fell asleep with my feet in that
water as they was froze into, and BRowN a-'ammerin' at the door as
I'd been and turned the key in, not a-thinkin' what I was a-doin' on.
BRowN he was that savage, a-sayin', You're a-beginnin' the year
werry nicely, MRs. BaowN." I says, "BRowN, it's my death as I've
caught," and so I thought as I 'ad, for no rubbin' would bring the
life back into my feet, and I says, The idea of your a-sittin' up till
near three o'clock a-talkin'." He says, "It was all about business,"
and goes off to sleep; but as to me I was like a mask of icicles,
a-creepin' from 'ead to foot, and thought as I never should get warm
It's lucky as MRs. LuxaNc could stop with me a day or two, for I
was that bad as never was, with mustard plaisters and a blister that
strong as nearly drawed me crooked. I was getting' a little better and
Mas. LuxEIN and her good gentleman was gone 'ome, and the werry
next night, I was woke up through 'earin' a noise liko dropping' all
over the room.
As to wakin' BRowN, you might as well 'ope to wake a milestone,
as will only give a grunt and turn over agin. So I gets out of bed for
to light a candle, but 'adn't gone many steps, for I felt I was a-steppin'
in pools ice cold, and when I'd got a light, if the place wasn't deluged
through the ceilin' a-droppin' water like a shower bath.
I wakes BiowN by hollerin', and when he see what was up, lie says,
"It's the gutters as is stopped and overflowin' through the thaw, as
you did ought to 'ave 'ad 'em looked to." I said, 'Ow was I ever
to know as it was a-goin' to thaw P" But I says, Let's go into the
other room, and not lay 'ere to be drowned like rats;" and so we did,
but, bless you, I got a chill as throwed me back for days.
I did think as I should 'ave gone mad when I got about agin, and
see the way as our water-pipes 'ad busted all over the place; but I
says, "Thank goodness as it's over." Says BaowN, Don't you
holler 'till you're out of the wood."
Three days arter that, and a Tuesday, I was a-settin' over the fire,
for a thaw is always a chilly feeling' to me, when in who should come
but ALFRED, for to say as 'is little sister wasn't expected to live through
the night, and as 'is mother wasn't able for to do nothing' through 'er
cold being' that bad. I says, Why ever didn't you go to your Aunt
TAPWELL ?" Ire said as he did, but she couldn't wenturo out.
Well, I didn't know what to do; but I sends ALPIraD for a cab, and
goes with him to 'is mother, as is livin' near the Westminster-road.
I don't think as ever I was more savage in my life when I see that
gal; why she wasn't 'arf as bad as me. I says to 'or mother, Why
ever did you send for me P" Oh," she says, I'm such a bad 'and
in illness, and thought as 'er cough sounded croupy." I says,
"Rubbish; at 'er age, as is jist on eleven!"
I was that tired as I felt as though a cup of tea would do me good,
so waited for to 'ave one, as wasn't worth the waiting' for, through
bein' smoky; but thought as I'd go 'omo as soon as it was over.
That ALFRED, he went out afore tea, a-sayin' as he'd be in directly,
so I waited for 'im to see me in the 'bus, for them cabs do ruun into
money frightful. I waited and waited, but no ALFRED came in, so I
says, "I must go;" and off I started; but, law bless you, I hadn'tt
'ardly got off the doorstep when away went my 'eels, and I must 'ave
slid two or three feet, and down I come on my back that crash as I
thought I'd broke everything, for if it 'adn't been and froze worse
A very nice gentleman as was passing he stops for to lift me up,
but, bless you, we was both down together in a jiffoy, and if two
parties, as come out of the 'ouso next door but one to JANE'S didn't
come and tumble slap over us. I managed for to crawl to the iron
railin's, and get on my feet; but, bless you, move I dursn't, for the
place was like lookin'-glass; and everybody a-tumblin' aboutliko mad.
Well, I stood there a-'oldin' them iron rails over so long. At last,
some parties come by, a-walkin' arm in arm to 'old one another up, as
says to me, Join us, old lady." Well, I didn't much fancy their
ways, but didn't dare move without 'elp, so I ketches 'old of a party's
arm, but, law, the moment as I moved, down I goes, and dragged the
others along with me, as certingly broke my fall.
So one of them young fellers he come and picks me up, and says,
"Let's put 'er in the middle;" as they did according and says,
" Come on, mother, 'old your body up." I says, "For mercy sake,
don't go a-walkin' on like this ;" for they was a-'urryin' me down the
Westminster-road so as my feet didn't 'ardly touch the ground; and I
was more a-slidin* than a-walkin'.
So they says, We can't dawdle on sich a night as this ;" and on
they rushes. I says, Stop ;" but, law bless you, if they didn't get
into the middle of the road, and join a lot more, and then another lot
come behind as kep' a-shoutin', Now then, keep movin' !" and trod
on my 'eels frightful. I do believe as them wagabones was only
a-makin' game on me, for when they got ever so far along the road if
they didn't turn back. I says, "Let me go; I ain't a-goin' back-
this is my way 'ome." They says, "All right;" and did lot me go,
and down I went; and there was them fellers a-goin' on shouting' and
I don't think as I should 'ave lived to soe 'ome agin, for I was
a-settin' 'clpless in the middle of the road, only a cab come by as took
me for five shillin's; and I wasn't out of my bed for ten days, and
everything went wrong in the house for the cat was pisoned, and that
gal as I'd took out of charity, she went off and left me in the lurch;
and if it 'adn't been as MRs. PAnwIcI come to nuss me, I should
never 'ave lived through it; and what with the doctor's bill and the
plumber's bill, we was pretty nigh cleaned out; and all I got to say is
that if that's a old-fashioned winter, I'd rather have a new one
Con.-By an April Fool.
WHY is wet weather more pleasant than dry ? Because it is more
92 FUN. [MAY 11, 1867.
- -.- I T1\F
EXPOSITION (AND IMPOSITION) AT PARIS.
Tomkins thinks these quiet little French dinners are so veryjolly, so Tomkins finds that prices have risen in consequence of the Exposition,
different from a feed at your .Brtish eating-house and thinks French dinners not quite so iolly as they were.
THE EMPIRE OF PEACE.
BENFATH her Royal rulers France
Had peace for thirty years,
Or only used her sword and lance
To take and keep Algiers.
The French, in course of time, preferred
The earliest phrase that Europe heard
Was L'empire c'est la paix !"
The reign of peace was scarce begun,
When, see, the conscript goes
To perish, after battles won,
Amid Crimean snows.
What special good to Frenchmen came
It might be hard to say;
But still the burden was the same-
Was "L' Vempnire c'est la paix !"
Not long the martial spirit slept,
For, quickly roused again,
The rush of France's armies swept
Across the Lombard plain.
They proved, of course, their ancient might,
On Solferino's day;
The moral lesson of the fight
Was L'empire c'est la paix !"
The tricolor, it fluttered fair,
About the China Seas,
And helped the British trader there
To cheapen British teas.
Small glory could the eagles gain,
Beyond the Mexic Bay;
They're flying baffled home again,
And L'empire c'est la paix I "
At peace once more the Empire stands,
But arming to the teeth,
And there's a twitching in the hands
That clutch the faulchion's sheath.
The Teuton and the Gaul ere long
May meet in mortal fray;
But still the burthen of the song
Is "L'empire c'est la paix !"
THE journeymen tailors declare that they will not allow themselves
to be starved into submission. Every single man of them would cook
his own goose sooner than that. Groups of unmistakable tailors-
generally in bodies of nine-may be met with in the streets. Some
of the first swells of the land are in great distress in consequence of
their inability to procure new clothes, and have been obliged to borrow
some of their own old suits from their valets.
A Grateful Country.
WHO says that we forget our benefactors? Who accuses the Army
Departments of dilatoriness ? No one, we trust, in the face of the state-
ment made last week that a pension of ninepence a day has just been
granted to WILLIAM HUMPHREYS, aged 78, for services in the Peninsu-
lar War. He quitted the army in 1817, so that the authorities have
been only half a century in settling his claims. And yet men won't
A Full Stop.
DR. CUMMING has just published a book called The Last Woe. After
this woh we hope he will pull up.
REMARIKAELE EFFECT OF THE LATE EASTERLY WnNDs.-All noses
not blown off were blew (blue) on.
F U N.-ITAY 11, 1867.
C, E Rim
7ap. (to Peace): "BUT, MADAM, THE EXHIBITION IS ESTABLISHED ENTIRELY TO HONOUR YOU-AND IT.
IS HARDLY COMPLETED I REALLY WE MUST TRY TO MAKE SOME ARRANGEMENTS FOR YOUR FURTHER
STAY WITH US!"
THE GREAT CITY.
ACT I. ScENE 1.-Exterior of Charing-cross Hotel.
Enter ARTHUR CARRINGTON.
ARTHUR C.-I am here to meet Edith, who is coming by train from
Canterbury. I will not go and meet her on the platform, but I will
wander about in front of the Charing-cross Hotel. What more
natural than that I should avail myself of this opportunity to remark,
with much melodramatic action, that I am disinherited by my uncle
in favour of Jacob Blount, M.P., because I get drunk P
[Wanders about the Strand.
Enter EDITH with large trunk and bandbox.
EDITH.-I have just arrived, but where is my Arthur ? I suppose
the fond youth is drunk as usual. I will sit on my trunk in the middle
of the Strand and await him. [Does so.
Enter, from the Hotel, JAcoB BLOUNT, M.P., MENDEZ, and
BLOUNT.-A lovely gal ? I will deceive her!
MENDEZ.-I will help you, s'help me! My grey hairs and false
nose will inspire confidence.
BLOUNT.-Away! (To EDITH.) Young thing, let me protect you-
I see you are alone in the Great City.
EDITH.-I will! I will!
BLOUNT.-Com.e and sup with me at an hotel under the shadow of
EDITH.-Under the shadow of St. Paul's? Then it must be all
right! [Exeunt, cooing.
Enter MOGG, a returned convict.
MOGG.-Ha! The Strand still here, I see; and Trafalgar-square,
too! But where, oh, where is my Hungerford-market ? [Weeps.
SCENE 2.-Street near St. Paul's. Enter BLOUNT.
BLOvNT.-I have taken the timid young i thing to the hotel under
the shadow of St. Paul's, and I have stood her a supper of broiled fowl
and Moselle, and I have selected this spot-the site of the Holborn
Improvements-as a conveniently secluded place in which to lay my
plans for the future. Let me meditate before I return to Edith at the
MoOG.-All the evening have I been wandering about in search of
Hungerford-market. Can it have strayed into Holborn-valley ?
MooG.-Forger! [They garotte each other.
MooG.-Keep my counsel.
BLOUNT.-I will. [Keeps his counsel, and Exit.
Enter EDITH and BLOUNT, apparently from the Inland Revenue Ofice.
BLOUNT.-Notwithstanding the Moselle, she still believes I am
actuated by the purest motives. Simple are the children of Canter-
bury. We are now going to Kennington-I have walked with her to
this spot to bring it within a shilling cab fare.
EDITH.-Away, then, to Kennington!
[They get into a cab, which has just arrived by a penny steamer.
Enter ARTHUR, drunk.
ARTHra.-Edith! [Falls senseless.
ACT II. SCENE 1.-Drawing-room in Edith's House in Belgravia.
Acres of rooms with domed and fretted ceilings, suggestive of Bel-
gravian Luxury. Tall ices handed round as usual. Grand saturnalia
of witless Honourables in Berlin gloves and chin tufts. Card tables,
chess tables, 6c., as usually found in Belgravian Ball-rooms. Four
Noblemen discovered dancing with four Peeresses in their own Bight.
EDITH.-Last night I was a wanderer in London-to-day I am
wealthy, and go into the best society. Somebody has died in
Australia, and left me millions. This is a room in my mansion in
Belgrave-square. It has a domed roof, like the interior of a Mosque,
which adds to its effect, but interferes with the arrangements of the
apartment over it, the floor of which is difficult to walk upon. Witless
Honourables crowd about me, and seek my hand in regular marriage,
notwithstanding the awkward fact that I, a girl of eighteen or so, am
living alone in this mansion, and giving parties without any chaperone.
Enter MEDNDEZ and BLOUNT.
MEDEaz.-Oh, s'help me, my tear!
BLOUNT.-Readily, my friend. [S'helps him 2.
Enter a ComIC FLUNxEY.
CoMIc F.-Mr. Blount, M.P., this appears to me to be a fitting
opportunity to tell you the history of my life and my dawning
BLOUNT.-Certainly. Go on.
[C. F. tells him all this, and exit, like a pigeon.
BLOUNT.-Edith, I love you!
EDITH.-Fiend, be off! Last night you attempted to lead me from
the paths of virtue, when I was but a poor wanderer. To-day I am
rich, and have a house in Belgrave-square, and an extensive circle of
witless Honourables in my train, and you would marry me. Go !
Enter a DIRTY CONVICT.
DIRTY C.-Pip!-I should say, Edith! I am your papa, Magwitch-
I should say, Mogg! It is 4 a.m., and a more fitting opportunity for
making this announcement may never occur. 'Twas I who furnished
you with 5,000 a-year list night.
EDITH.-Ha! I see it ;.I1. Great Expectations all over again!
MOGG.-Here is my address, a thieves' kitchen in Saffron-hill.
Happy to see you when you like to call. [Exit, molto agitate.
BLOUNT.-I have been hidden under a sofa, and I heard all. I will
denounce him. [Exit.
EDITH.-Ha! I may yet warn him of his danger. (To servant.)
Quick, an opera cloak, I will walk as I am to Saffron-hill.
[Puts opera cloak over bsll dress, and walks to Saffron-hill.
ACT III. SCENE 1.-The folly Beggars' Club.
Enter MOGG, drunk, followed by about a hundred jolly beggars, and
MENDEZ, in Turkish costume.
MAENDEZ.-Ha! ha! Kitchen in Saffron-hill-Belgravo-square, just
now. Such is life, my tear!
Enter EDITH, in ball dress, with her hair down to express Mogg's danger.
EDITH.-Papa Mogg, the crushers are upon you!
MOGG.-Ha! I will conceal myself down a trap. [Does so.
Enter CRUSHERS, of course with moustachios, and headed by BLOUNT.
EDITH.-Saved! Saved! [Faints.
SCENE 2.-A Board-room.
Enter BLOUNT, MENDEZ, and some WITLESS HONOURABLES.
BLOUNT.-Gentlemen we will get up a company.
[They get up a company. Then exeunt all but MENDEZ.
To him enters his THIN SISTiR.
THITm SISTER.-Stout brother, your daughter has been deceived by
MENxEZ.-Ha! Revenge! Revenge! I will denounce him!
[Comic dance, and of.
SCENE 3.-Housetop, with view of London by Night.
Mooo.-I am pursued. How to escape P Ha! Those telegraph
(Pulls down four telegraph wires, calculated to bear a strain of about five
tons each, twists them into a rope, and descends over parapet.)
Enter BLOUNT and BEARDED CRUSHERS.
BLOUNT.-He will escape me yet! I have it. My trusty pocket-
knife will cut through the four telegraph wires in rather loss than a
[Cuts wires with pocket-knife. Groans from smashed MoGo.
ACT IV. SCENE 1.-Boom in Edit's H uase. Smashed dMOG on couch,
conveniently placed between folding doors. EDITH and ARTiUR CAR-
RINGTON nursing him.
MOGG.-I die in great agony. See me plunge. [Plunges.
EDITH.-But look here; before you die couldn't you contrive to
bless us. Arthur has taken the pledge, and won't get drunk three
times a day any more.
MOGG (screams).-Ya-How! [Dies in convulsions.
SCENE 2.-Railway Station. "Prof le" train ready to start. Crowds of
.Passengers on platform. They object to get into a profile train.
Officials explain that all the made-out" trains have struck.
Enter BLOUNT and a YoUNG WOMAN.
BLOUNT.-Away! Away! [They away into a carriage.
MENDEz.-Stop him! Stop him!
(Officers arrest Blount. Realization of MR. FRITH'S Railway Station.
Great joy of everybody who has not seen the picture )
OURSELVEs.-Oh, Ma. HALLIDAY Mg. HALDnAr I Have we
deserved this ?
A very Proper Step.
THE church of St. Mildred at the east end of the Poultry is to be re-
moved. Of course the Poultry is better fitted for a lay than for a
MAY 11, 1867.]
96 FU N [MAY 11, 1867.
IN THE NAME OF COMMON HUMANITY !
A May Fox :-Dedicated without a tittle of respect to all unseasonable sportsmen."
A MYSTIFICATION. SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
So my FREDDY will shortly be narried- NICHOLAS DOWN UPON HiS L.UCK.
In a fortnight? So early as that! Down, down, hey derry down I!"-Popular Song.
But say, has some project miscarried ? Down among the dead men let him lie !"'-Popular Choru.
Remember that care killed a cat! "All in the Downs "-Popula ar Ballad.
Why wear an expression of anguish, Epsom Dwns.- ular Rae-Cou. HORSLATOWN.
Of anxious and harassing thought ? HoNouEn AnD RESPECTED SI,-Considerable surprise have been
You may sigh, or seem absent, or languish- expressed at the absence of NICHOLAs from your columns in the last
But not look so wildly distraught. number of the New Serious, and which I have no doubt but what such
This trouble, FRED! Come, do not hide it, must have inflicted a bitter pang of disappointment on many thousands
To tell it will lighten your care. of the public breasts.
To the bosom of friendship confide it, Considerable surprise have also been expressed, in the commercial
It shall not be breathed I declare, circles of Belgravia, at the absence of NICHOLAS from his home for a
You've surely not changed your opinion protracted period, during which all attempts to extort money from the
About her perfections, my FRED Old Man, no matter how ingenious the plea or plausible the pretext,
Or have you a doubt of her chignon, have been, and will be so, entirely futile that it is the odds of the
Or anything else on that head ? National Debt to a midshipman's half-pay, as they will not get a single
Do you fancy a hare-foot's the scrubber sixpence out of NICHOLAS until his circumstances are very, very
Do you fancy a hare-fiotss the scrubber different.
That raisesat e bloom on her cheek ? You may remember, dear Sir, that the Prophet vaticinated the
Do you think that that ear's india-rubber victory of Cambridge over Oxford in the aquatical computation on the
DoTo which ur tsoft not em tou suseau- Thames ;-in fact, as you probably lost money by backing my selec-
Do you questionher taste-temper-trouseau tion, it is more than likely, as the fact may still be vividly impressed
Or dTheettm of all married cares few so upon your mind-a mind, Sir, than which I may truly say none more
Oppressive as mothers-in-law? cultivated and vivacious, if so much so.
OppressiveIt may also, dear Sir, be within your affable recollection that
What! Have I not found the solution, Nicholas prophesied Plaudit for the Two Thousand, and stuck to him
'Mid guesses so crafty as these ? with a consistency which he do not often exhibit such with regard to
Well, owning my mind's destitution, any public animal whatever.
I beg you'll enlighten me, please! .. Nor, my dear and venerated benefactor, is it likely as you have for-
Ha! you'd ordered a suit to your liking, gotten that, several weeks ago, I unhesitatingly declared that the
But SLEEVEBORD has written to say, Chester Cup would be won by the game little Lecturer.
On account of his journeymen's striking, Perhaps, as it is highly desirable we should arrive at some clear and
You can't have your clothes on the day! definite understanding, I had better put the matter into a tabular form,
MAY 11, 1867.]
and if such causes any additional trouble to your worthy printers,
MassRS JUDD and GLASS, than whom I am sure, if so much so. .
Oxford and Cambridge Cambridge. Oxford.
Two Thousand Guineas Plaudit. Vauban.
Chester Cup.......... Lecturer. Beeswing.
If some of your contemporaries, Sir, would act with equal candour,
it might be good for the public, though bad for the prophets.
Well, no man can stand three such facers in such quick succession.
After hovering about-especially at Sheerness, which I will say a word
or two about it presently-I came back into the old neighbourhood of
Bermondsey. Mas. CIPPrs, would, I daresay, have been delighted,
for many reasons, to behold her once-loved lodger; but, as one of those
many reasons is that there isstill a little pecuniary trifle outstand-
ing between us, I have curbed my natural anxiety for to visit her.
Horselaydown, however, is in the immediate vicinity; besides being
near the River Thames, so that by taking a wherry I could quickly
cross from one county to another, if a set of malignant creditors should
really push. the prophet hard. Besides, I shall be in a favourable
position for picking up aquatic intelligence, to which I feel that you
have not hitherto done justice in your otherwise well-conducted periodi-
And now I am going, Sir, for to have a friendly word or two along
of The East Kent Advertiser, and Sheerness, Sittingbourne, and Favershain
Guardian, which his title is ever so much more dignified than that of
Fuo, and I respect him accordingly. Sir, he seems to be a very well-
conducted paper, and he has a leading article about the Luxembourg
question, which it is very much in my own style when he says:-
Even this would be little to fight about, but for the old motives of ambition,
national jealousy, lust of territory, and the desire to be the stronger against future
quarrels shall arise, which it is foreseen that not even developed nationalities will
avert while States are aggregations of human nature."
But the Old Man, Sir, would have let him alone-the Old Man
being peaceable-if he had not ventured to begin the struggle. He
have done so; may his blood, supposing such to ultimately flow, be
on his own head, and which I wash my hands off of it! Tremble, ye
.East Kent Advertiser, and Sheerness, Sittingbourne, and Favershant
The E. K. A., a. S., S., a. 1F. G., says as follows:-
SWe were amused1 only this week to see a reference made to Sheerness in a
popular comic periodical2 in which, after other things of a non-complimentary
character, the writers urges on the friend to whom he writes, dating from Sheer-
ness,-' P. S. The sherry wine here is beastly. You might spend me some down.'
Whether the public trade of Sheerness will see the Fun' of this observation, we
cannot say, but there it is in print, and this is but a fair specimen of the light in'
which Sheerness, and not only its Sherry, but everything else here is viewed by a,
very large section of our fellow-countrymen at a distance. The same writer, wei
presume5, ironically mentions Sheerness as this happy village.' Evidently his'
notions of it are drawn from Ireland's History of .Ket,' or some. other standard'
topographical authority of some fifty years ago. He doubtless only visits Sheerness
in imagination, and, like many other travellers of greater pretension, takes his
observations from the very remote stand-point of some Grub-street lodging7"
Now, Sir, if this provincial writer, than whom .
EDITOnIAL NOTE.-The remainder of the Prophet's commentary is,
we regret to say, unfit for publication.-ED. FuN.
I cANNoT sing the old songs,
Because they're out of print--
Each shop where once they sold songs
I liked, has not one in't.
I cannot sing the new songs,
They are such awful trash.
And yet I'm told it's true, songs
Like those make lots of cash.
I do not think they're nice songs
That please the music-hall.
I'd buy at any price songs
That one could sing at all.
1 The E. K. A., a. S., S., a. F. G., is very good to say so.
So you are, my dear and honoured Sir I
I Meaning me, NICoLAs..
4 If he calls me, NIcHOLAS, "a very large section of our fellow-countrymen at a
distance," he must be rather off his head.
Sle We presume l" Yes: you do.
I Bless you, my dear E. K. LA., a. S., S., a. F. G., I never saw the book in my life.
I Not Grub-street, my friend; Horselaydown. This little touch shows the true
gentleman and man of letters.
THE TAILORS' STRIKE.
INFLUENTIAL MEETING OF AMALGAMATED CUSTOMERS.
AN influential meetin- of Amalgamated Customers was held in the
Arcade of the Albany, liccadilly, on Monday last, Cu. CHtARLEY, ESQ.,
in the chair.
After an appropriate anthem, Socius est, lepidissima capita!"
The CHAIRMAN remarked he wasn't going to stand this sort of thing
any longer. Haw. To paraphrase (hear, hear!) MR. SAM WELLER,
battledore and shuttlecock was a very good game when you were not
the shuttlecock, and master tailors and journeymen the battledores.
Haw. He begged to propose a scheme by which amalgamated cus-
tomers might place themselves entirely beyond the influence of tailors'
strikes. Haw. His notion was, to discontinue the use of male costume
altogether, and to substitute for it the garments hitherto considered
to be peculiarly the property of the female sex. Haw. (Hear.) He meant
in short, bonnets and frocks, and petticoats, and, haw, that sort of thing.
(Hear, hear.) He, for one, intended to act upon his own suggestion.
He had ordered a costume from a fashionable milliner's, which he be-
lieved was, haw, the right thing. It consisted of a red velvet frock,
a merino bonnet with a rep feather, gauze boots, guipure gloves, a
green silk shawl, a pair of Valenciennes-
Ma. SPURGEON here rose to order.
The CHAIRMAN, without noticing the interruption, continued-stock-
ings and book muslin stays. He begged to suggest that every
member present should pledge himself to adopt a similar costume
without delay. (Cheers.)
The proposal was duly seconded and carried unanimously.
After another appropriate anthem (Carolus Campanus est nomnen
The meeting separated.
To be taken in Water.
THE floods near Windsor have been so great that at one time it was
believed that the town of Eton was likely to be swallowed as well.
Seen in a New Light.
THE prisoners of Clichy illuminated the prison on learning that the
Legislative body had passed a resolution abolishing imprisonment for
debt. Of course, they could make light of a gaol under such circum-
An Old One.
THE journals of Montpensier report the death of an inhabitant of
that place, MADAME BOUQUET by name, at the very advanced age of
103. Her friends must have thought she was a bouquet of everlast-
ENQUIRER.-Try a dictionary.
J. H. WHITBY, doesn't seem to a wit be.
DONKEY.-Perhaps you can explain how a background corroborates an
ANcHOR.-Must be dropt.
R. S., Everton,.wishes us to point out "where he comes short of our
standard of merit." Somewhere about the foot of the scale.
RoDERICK Dnu.-Th1at joke about Robbin' Hood is Roderick in-Dliu-
T. W. G., Burtin.-What do you think ?
M. W.-See what we've done for you and be happy!
PHILOFPEGMON.-Over people's heads rather, isn't it ?
H. W. L.-We fear not.
I. B. D., Walham Green.-Under consideration.
G. D. S., New Wandsworth, is referred to the notice at the head of this
F. J. A., Lonsdale-square, might have had better taste than to try to jest
on such a subject.
0. D. V.-That joke is brand(i)ed by the hand of time.
SCRATcH.-Not up to the mark.
BEER.-We don't see the p'int.
PAT.-Doesn't come so.
A. E. B.-To quote your own words, rather impossible."
R. M. B., Upper Norwood.-Subject not as good as sketch.
Declined with thanks,-J. K., Kilburn; H. E. V. D.; A Reader;
L. M. N.; W. M.; W. L. G.; H. G., Liverpool; A. L., Barnstaple; Ac-
worth; J. M.; H. P. H.; Pet; J. R.; Notes; Initial; T. of D. H.;
Quaker; Omicron; A. H. G.; H.; J. T. F.; Archipelago; A. M.;
Clifton; A. S., Bedford-row; D. M., Sittingbourne; J. J. L; P. J., Win-
canton; E. P. BR.; Allen; H. B. H., Notting-hill; R. M. B., Upper
Norwood; A Constant Subscriber, Coventry; R. R., Upper Holloway;
Flower Star; A. B. C.; J. 0., Kentish Town Road; C. B.; C. H. S.;
Dionysius Dryasdust; B. G.; L. W. Q., Liverpool; R. B.; F. B., South-
98 F U N. [MAY 11, 1867.
THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
THE Natural History Collection at the British Museum must be
looked to for amusement rather than instruction. The student will
not gain much information from creatures stuffed-like a pet lapdog-
beyond recognition. But the philosopher will find food for smiles in
the beasts, which may be described as ex-straw-dinarily well stuffed
without any departure from truth, for they generally overflow with
eorn-stalks at every seam and shot-hole. It is possibly because he is
loth to deprive thousands (at an average of twenty weekly) of the
harmless amusement of laughing at the monstrosities, that PROFESSOR
OwBs, a known' professor, does not take steps to replace them with
something more like the real animals. The hippopotami are set up in
such an extraordinary manner, and are so unlike the real article, that
we can scarcely wonder at the broad grin in which each specimen in-
dulges. They, in common with the elephants, tapirs, and other thick-
skinned animals, have had their hides obtrusively mended in so many
places, that we have met with students of natural history and fre-
quenters of the British Museum, who believed this order of mammals
to have been called patch-yderms" on this very account. Poor
Pachyderms, they have need to be thick-skinned when their rags and
tatters are made such an open exhibition!
Altogether owing to the so-so way in which the sutures have been
made in the process of stuffing, the animals bear small resemblance to
the living creatures to be seen at Regent's-park :-their seaming, in
short, is anything but lifelike.
Rumours have been set afloat from time to time that the Natural
History Collection is to be removed to other quarters, but the report is
generally contradicted. We are inclined to think that it will stop
where it is, as it seems to be stationary, if not retrograde, in character.
One of the advantages of the Natural History Collection at the
British Museum is to be found in the opportunities it offers for young
people to conduct their courtships. Many a happy swain can date his
felicity from the fortunate moment when he stole his first kiss from the
object of his worship, having carefully put the hippopotamus between
himself and her parents. Offers have been made and accepted under
the shadow of the abnormally elongated hat-stand known to the
custodians of the collection as the giraffe. An intimate friend assures
us that his present wife, then a wealthy widow, to whom he offered
consolation in exchange for Consols, first found courage to give him a
word of hope while concealed from the gaze of 'the world by the bulky
portmanteau on four posts which does duty for an elephant in the
neighbourhood of Russell-square.
We can also recommend the Natural History Department of the
Museum to the parents of refractory children. There are one or two
cheerful crocodiles and some other specimens which, properly managed,
will frighten a naughty boy into fits. In the Entomological Division
there are some nice hairy spiders that will make anybody feel very un-
comfortable, and may be applied, morally, to the backs of die-
obedient daughters with great effect.
0 sOLrITAY Eremite,
Thy cell is low and dim;
And yet that glance so merry might
Approve a jestive whim.
But, no! thine eye belieth thee,
Thou art a solemn wight,
And fast or penance trieth thee
By day and eke by night.
This grot, how still and lone it is,
It must be very dull!
Thy sole companion bone it is-
A brown and fleshless skull.
It's nothing of the sort, you hum!"
Said he, with cheerful tone,
My only caput mortuum,
A hogshead-is of Beaune!"
Another New Fashion.
WE see it stated in the lady's Own Paper that a new fashion in
ladies' bonnets has made its appearance-the long ribbons which de-
pend from them down the back being fitted at the ends with little
gold bells." This is a tolerably broad hint on the part of the ladies.
They wish those who are after them to know that they have no settled
objection to a ring.
London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS Phmnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-streot, E.C.-
May 11, 1867.
"*MAY 18, 1867.]
S ".- -
ii l i
PWaiter :-" CHOP, s -TE-sIR AND POTATOEs-YESIR POTATOES
PLAIN, SIR ?"
Customer :-" PLAIN-HUMPH SOME OF 'EM WERE DOWNRIGHT 'GLY "
FROM OUR STALL.
WE have been bitterly disappointed in the last Haymarket comedy,
A Wild Goose: the name of DIoN BOUCICAULT led us to expect some-
thing of a far different character. He only edits the piece, it is true ;
but his editorship makes him responsible for a very dreary and con-
ventional play. The fourth act closes with a tolerably effective situa-
tion-the recovery of a stolen heir from gipsies by the aid of the
military: this incident is worth keeping awake to see. The remainder
of the piece-as far as regards plot-is only. worth falling asleep to
avoid. Some broadly farcical business between a comic squire and a.
coquettish old frump of a housekeeper has been introduced, we imagine,
as a graceful relief to the melodramatic part of the story. In our own
critical bosom it aroused feelings of inexpressible sadness. The gallery,
shrieked with delight when Ma. BUCKSTONE came out of a cupboard
with an unnecessary quantity of jam upon his cheeks ; when the comic
squire came rushing into the gipsy encampment with a large pistol,
and very nearly spoilt the artistic effect of a tableau, the gallery shrieked
again. Well, well; the piece is capitally mounted, and the view of a
ruined abbey by moonlight is admirable. Ma. SOTHERN, as the dare-
devil hero, plays with plenty of spirit, but reminds us now and then of
Lord Dundreary 'by a pensive way of uttering things that signify
nothing in particular. Ma. BUCKSTONE does his best for a very weak
part; and Ma. ROGERS makes a sullen and ferocious chief of the gipsies.
Of the other gentlemen we can only say that they would probably be
more interesting if the author had given them the chance. Miss
MINNIE SIDNEY gives much pathos to the character of a gipsy girl;
the quiet simplicity of her acting makes it singularly effective. MRp.
CHIPPENDALE is a picture of geniality, Miss IoNs BURKE is alternately
vivacious and sentimental, and Miss CAROLINE HILL looks as pretty
and piquante as usual. The waits are commendably short, and the
music which fills them is well selected and well played. MR. WA.-
LERSTEIN has composed, by the way, some very picturesque music to
ENCORE CROQUET I
I'M in luck's way for a change, MR. EDITOR,
Now I am out of your sight and away,
Fate, who was ever a merciless creditor,
Offered me tick," to be started in May.
Little I thought after rain-and a week of it-
I could have ventured to answer the call
For the first of the -- there let me be and I'll speak
The season of croquet at Heatherleigh Hall.
Given a house fall of girls and of jollity,
Given a sky which wears nothing but blue,
Given a longing for fun and frivolity,
Given a morning with nothing to do;
Given a lawn with the daisies cut out of it,
Given a well-weighted mallet and ball:
As to success was there ever a doubt of it,
For croquet we started at Heatherleigh Hall?
Plenty of peplums both silky and satiny,
Boots over tassles and half up the Stop !
Petticoat dresses, en costume de matinle,"
Are these not subjects t'wero better to drop ?
No, on my word, for the fashions Parisian,
For fair and for dark and for short and for tall,
Whims for the plain-braided head and the frizzy 'un
Were attractive as ever at Heatherleigh Hall.
Spooning, of course, was most strictly forbidden us,
That is, you know, by the rules of the game,
No moral precept has yet over-ridden us,
Stealing its fair and legitimate aim.
Take away whispers and sighs and the rest of it,
Really the game is worth nothing at all,
Prejudice, well, I will grant, gets the best of it,
But that's not the croquet at Heathorleigh Hall.
Ask little LILLIAN, AMY, and MAbIEL, too,
MILLICENT ask with the eyes and the hair,
Just make them tell you, I'm sure they are able to,
If they think personal spooning is fair !
Judge by the pledge of the honour and word of us-
Judge by the eyelids just raised ere they fall-
Say, if you like, it was very absurd of us,
Or come down to croquet at Heatherloigh Hall.
accompany the action of the drama. But, in spite of its accessories,
A Wild Goose is very tiresome; and the sooner MR. BUCKSTONE'S
company returns to its speciality, old comedy, the better. We cannot
leave the Haymarket without a sigh of regret for the charming face of
Miss NELLY MOORE.
A DAY FOR WISHING.
(By a Bard with a wishy-washy mind.)
I CANNOT mind my wheel to-day-
The weather is as hot as blazes;
I wish that I could get away
To anywhere you like, and play
Among the buttercups and daisies.
I wish I had a silly book
(Most easily fulfilled of wishes)
To read beside a crystal brook-
Or else a rod, a line, a hook,
And lots of gentles for the fishes.
I wish that I were lying, prone
And idle, where the trees are shady-
Contemplative and quite alone,
Or talking in an undertone
To some beloved and lovely lady.
But, though I feel to-day a call
For reading silly books, or fishing,
Or idling where the trees are tall,
Or making love-yet, most of all,
I wish I knew the good of wishing.
BY THE SAUNTERER Ix SOCIETY.
[MA& 18, 1867.
ICTORES PRIORES this week, if you
please. And they deserve an immediate
Sand warm recognition, for they have
made this year's Exhibition of the Royal
Academy a truly excellent one. SIR
3 EDWIN has done some good work this
s year, but I can't say I admire his great
picture, which has the place of honour
-a portrait of "Her Majesty at Bal-
moral in 1866"-the date must be a
J misprint, for the QUEEN looks scarcely
7 Thirty. JOHN Bzows, the three dogs,
7 and the horse, are all in mourning too !
POYNTER'S "Israel in Egypt" is a
l splendid picture. It realizes the scene to
perfection, and there's capital compo-
sition and sound figure-drawing in it.
LEIGHTON'S "Venus," with the flesh
Compounded of honey and milk, as the
flesh of The Immortals should be, is a
glorious creation, and is half an excuse
for paganism. One great thing about it is
that it is not calculated to awake the muse of SWINBUsNE, which is
satisfactory. The Bathers," by WALKER, is another notable bit of
nude drawing, of the most masterly description. MILLAIS atones for
"Jephthah" by "Sleeping" and "The Minuet." PATON's "Fairy Raid"
is full of exquisite fancy and rare colour. PETRIE'S "Treason cen-
tains some wonderful studies of expression and a better one of colour.
ORCHARDSON'S "Talbot and the Countess of Auvergne" is capitally
conceived, lifelike and vigorous. In "Kiss and make it up again"
MR. NICOL, hitherto famed for his humour, shows that he can touch
the tender side as a true humorist should, and FAED, in his "Blind
Man at the Gate," gives us something worthy of the painter of "The
Mitherless Bairn," and that is something. CooxE's skeleton of "A
Whale at Pevensey," is very good, and so is his Venetian View."
YEAMES' "Dawn of the Reformation," WYNFIELm's "Deathbed of
Cromwell." and LESLIaE'S "Willow," are good, and MARKS makes
much of "Falstaff's Own," while CALDERON fully sustains his repu-
tation in Home after Victory." HODGSON'S 's"Evensong" has a fine
devotional feeling about it. WInSTLER seems to have been rather
cruelly treated. His Symphony in White; No. III." is evidently
part of a harmonious series, which cannot be properly judged by itself,
though it is a fine tour deforce. A. MOORE, who paints in a somewhat
similar key, exhibits an admirable picture entitled Musicians," ex-
tremely delicate in colour and clever in drawing. PtiNseP shows up
to better advantage than usual this year, but is heavy and clayey still
in some parts. LrEGOS, the much-praised, imitates the tone of the
Old Masters tolerably successfully, but I don't altogether believe in
the Old Masters (heresy that, I take it ), and don't believe at t all in
copying them. MASON, another fashionable painter, has improved;
his girl this year has left off driving geese, and has turned her atten-
tion to donkeys and sheep. Of the old favourites, such as GOODALL,
SANT, CoESWICK, STANFIELD, ELMORE, WELLS, and ANSDELL, I need
say no more than that they are well represented. MACLIsE is not
altogether happy. FRITH is welcome, and so is HERERTn-both have
been shy exhibitors of late years. HART is not welcome; his
" Barbarossa is one of the largest tea-boards I ever saw, and occupies
too much valuable space. WARD is stagey to the last degree.
AsMITAGE is Academic and conventional to the verge of absurdity-
please observe Savonarola's hand! A. HUGHES'S Cissy so tall" is
quite unworthy of him. HooK is delightful. Two small unfinished
pictures of PHILLIPS will not do justice to his memory; the public will
not see they want a last painting-on. MELBY exhibits one of his
clever seas, and Dix (a son of the General) a spirited coast scene, and
VICAT COLE gives us some splendid breakers-a new line for him.
But the palm for marie palm for marine painting is carried off by BETT; if you love
the sea as I do, I'll defy you to do that picture e in less than a quarter
of an hour. Of the younger men there is a good show. MARCUS
STONE, Tor RUIER, ARCHER, WAT-ON, BOUGIoTON, HOUGHTON, HALL,
DAVIS, BRENNAN, HARDY, DICEY, and G. SANT, are to the fore with
capital work. And now I think I have pretty well exhausted the list
of the best pictures-or shall have done so when I notice that LEADER
and MIGNOT have sent exquisite landscapes to the exhibition.
I AM greatly pleased to see, from this month's number of that ex-
cellent publication, Hardicicco's Science Gossip, that a hint I threw out
some time since has been acted on. MR. BARKAS of Newcastle has
offered prizes for the best collections of natural objects made by young
people of Northumberland and Durham. These juvenile museums
will spread a love of Natural History and appreciation of the marvels
and beauties of creation, and I am proud to think that as Mu. BARxAS
declares my little par. has set the scheme going. I may con-
gratulate that gentleman on the excellent judgment he displays in
refusing to give prizes for collections of birds' eggs on the ground that
it is desirable to discourage the destruction of small birds.
To finish up the magazines:-Teimple Bar is quite up to the mark
this month. I wish the editor had told us, though, whether the paper
in the last number about the lion's mode of hunting was founded on
fact, or merely a bit of gammon. What it relates is quite possible, it
appears to me, who have a profound reverence for what some call the
instinct of the brute creation. The Argosy is a fair number. Belgravia
I haven't yet seen, so I won't criticise it. The London I have seen, so
I will. The wrapper is like an advertisement block, and the first cut
is terribly feeble, in the worst London Society style. The literature is
not startling-as the wording of the prospectus would have led one to
expect, if one had not long since abandoned all belief in prospectuses.
The railway story turning on the late strike, and describing how a
driver tried to smash a train, is objectionable. Playing at class-libel is
not pretty. Cassell's Magazine is very much improved.
I SEE MESSas. ROUTLEDGE are publishing a Natural History of -Van,
which I suppose is a sort of continuation of that of animals already
published by them. It is illustrated by WoLF, ZWECKER, and others,
and I can recommend the engravings to those sage critics who com-
plained of the scratchy style of the MESSoS. DALZIEL last Christmas.
There is some tint-cutting in these pictures which proves they can
handle drawings in any way that is best suited for them. The black,
glossy-skins of the Kaffirs in the first number are most truthfully given
inisimple tint. It would puzzle the graphotype to render such work.
I would suggest to the publishers that as this new issue:is a companion
to their excellent Natural History, it is undesirable to introduce cuts
of animals from 'the last-named book into the present volumes. The
publication will be most interesting.
I SINCERELY trust that the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals will not overlook the clause in the new Metropolitan Im-
provement Act, by which the police are directed to take possession
of stray dogs. Your constable is not the mildest of men -when he
takes "jolly dogs" into custody, and I fear the four-footed canines
will fare still worse at his hands. It is not every one who can lay
hand on a strange dog. One must be thoroughly acquainted with,
dog-language and dog-physiognomy to do it-and with dog-etiquette
too. I foresee an immense amount of needless brutality and cruelty
from this provision, and hope it will be struck out by some humane
M.P.-there is no representative for Barking, I fear. I should be un-
grateful to the memory of many a four-footed friend-of tried fidelity
and unswerving affection-if I did not do my best, by noting this, to
save the race from unmerited suffering.
A ROUND OF DISSIPATION.
My country cousins, EMMiA JANE,
And A( N ELIZA BitowN,
Have just begun to think again
Of coming up to town.
Their letter says that Cousin Boa
Most eagerly, no doubt,
Will undertake the little job
Of leading them about."
Miss EMMA JANE is thirty-three,
Her sister thirty-five;
And (out-of-town) they seem to me
The nicest girls alive.
They're very plump and very brown,
And always on the grin ;
I'll show them everything in town-
But where shall we begin ?
The Polytechnic is a treat,
And country folks should go
To contemplate in Baker-street,
The figures of TuSSAUD.
They'll wish, of course, to see the parks
(Just nicely out in flow'r)
And make historical remarks
While studying the Tower.
The Bank, the Abbey, and St. Paul's,
Are surely things to see;
And Richmond's worth a dozen calls,
And Greenwich two or three.
But, when my cousins come to town,
My first and foremost care
Shall be to take the MISSES BaowN
To see Trafalgar Square.
MAY 18, 1867.] FU J N. 101
OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.
BY MOST OP OUR EMINENT AvrHORs.
ARNOLD, MATTHEW. By A PHILISTINE. Born 1822. His father,
who was a very intelligent man, kept a school at Rugby. MATTHEW
was accordingly educated in the belief that the whole universe is
governed on strictly Rugbmian principles. Whilst in this singular
state of mind, wrote a geod deal of very remarkable poetry, which did
not receive so much attention as it deserved. Has since revenged him-
self by writing a series of letters to the fall Mall Gazette, which did
not deserve so much attention as they received. At an unknown
period, "got geist." The doctrine of "geist," being interpreted,
simply means that it is better to be a sensible man than a fool. Many
people may imagine that this profound truth was known before Ma.
MATTHEW ARNOLD was weaned. Those who think so, however, are
Philistines. Mr. ARNOLD is a devoted believer in Centralisation, the
Head Centre of all being Ma. ARNOLD. Does not care much about
England. Happily, the indifference is reciprocal. Is understood to be
at present engaged on a new plan for teaching the grandmothers of
Great Britain how to suck eggs in a competitive examination. Is fond
of talking about a certain Arminius." "Arminius is understood
to be simply the cousin-german of Muis. GAMP's Mns. HAL RIs.
BABBAGE, CHATLES. By CHARLES BA1tBAGE. Born 1790. Deduct
1790 from 1867.. Result, 77. Divide 77 by a score. Result: 3, and 17
over. Q. E. D. Application: CHARLES BABBAGE is threescore years,
and ten, and seven. Would have been much older by this time had he
not been perpetually annoyed by street organs.
CARLYLE, THOMAS. By DIOGENES TEUFELSDROCKH. Neither was it
for nothing, I tell thee, that in this same year (1795 of the Christian
Era, French Revolution just getting itself strapped down after mere
delirium fits of Terror and the like, by an olive-somplexioned lieu-
tenant of artillery, with results ever widening and deepening !) there
was born at Ecclefechan yonder, amid the granite rocks and broad
healthy wildernesses of Dumfries, another of the Children of Men, and.
christened THOMAS. Of Ecelefechan, I can else nowhere find human
mention made; it, and what came out of it, through whole long
generations of humble assiduous striving and pious Presbyteian effort,
clean gone from human memory, save only for this one happy "acci-
dent" (as the Fool calls it!) of having produced little THOM.s.
Little THOMAS, as I take it, looked out in due course on the granite rocks,
the broad healthy wildernesses, not unobservant, with a child's wonder
in the little heart of him. Very beautiful to consider! Acch Himmel,
from Ecolefechan to Chelsea, what a road to travel had this plump,
rosy, little recruit to the army of humanity, as yet mewling and puk-
ing in the nurse's arms, kicking up the little heels of him at the Im-
mensities-what a road! Philosophic history, asking when little
THOMAS was breeched, has to content itself with mere vague conjectural
hypothesis -cannot reach firm ground, you would say, but flounders in
mud-abysses and quagmires of uncertainty fatal often, as quaking
bog in the healthy wildernesses themselves to horse and rider. Con-
jecturally, one places it a little before the battle of Austerlitz-battle
grown very dim by this time, and growing dimmer, as I do perceive!
No cannon salvoes, blare of triumphant trumpets, or universal hip-hip-
hooray, with three times three, saluted, as I take it, the putting of
little THOMAS into breeches :-yet that, you will find, was precisely the
most important transaction of the year, fertile to this day, now that the
Austerlitz hurly-burly has got itself stilled a little! Precisely the
most important transaction, I say, and with quite infinite results. Not
any longer, then, is the little THOMAS a mere lump of pink flesh, much
be-swaddled and be-swathed, the young limbs of him buried in mere
multitudinous wrappages and infinite confusion of long clothes :-Not so !
Quite otherwise than so, oh Bonus, my long-eared, addle-pated friend!
For THOMAS-" wee TAMMIE in the nurse-wifo'.s authentic Doric-
is now brought acquainted with tailors, their ways and works; from
which acquaintance shall there not spring sartorial philosophies,
histories, biographies, a whole wonder-land of book-work-also with
results ? He meanwhile, unconscious of such high destinies, rejoices
mainly in breeches pocket as a secret treasure-hold, wherein marbles,
alleys, commoneys, I know not what-can with security be stored. An
ingenious, vivacious, not unvocal little THOMAS !
Going with the Times.
As a compliment to the leading journal for the skill it has shown in
adapting its politics to the popular feeling of the hour, it is suggested
that in future it should be known as The Winding Sheet."
AN enterprising hotel proprietor advertises in the -Daily Telegraph
Where to dine at any time," &c.
If generally known, this must prove a great boon to many, at a time
when-their pockets are empty.
PRO PATRIA MORI.
(A New Version, Dedicated to a popular Secretary of State.)
THOUGH DERnny adores thee, they sneer at thy name,
And the faults of thy wavering mind,
Oh say wilt thou weep when they hold thee to blame,
For a row that for thee was resigned.
Yes, weep! and however the mob may condemn,
Thy tears may efface their decree,
For Torics must own though obnoxious to them,
They have been but too faithful to thee!
With thee was the fault of the earlier fuss,
When the roughs came to brickbats and blows,
For mere common sense we have pray'd thee, and thus
Thy name is connected with those.
Though blest are the young politicians who live
The days of thy power to see,
What a far greater blessing if DERBY would give,
A sinecure, WALPOLE, to thee!
DEAR SrE,-Months have elapsed since I have ventured to trouble
you with the solution of questions which have arisen to harass my
feeble frame with torturing anxiety. I had determined in my own
mind to vex you no more with my importunities, but to leave the solu-
tion of all vital doubts which were beyond my immediate comprehen-
sion, to the operations of Time. But I over-calculated my powers
of enduring suspense. I must have a reply to the following all-important
1. Why are Horse Guards officials like magpies P
2. Why was it a good thing for MILTON that he was blind ?
3. When are horses guilty of an act of suporogation ?
Solve these, and accept the heartfelt thanks of
A TREMBLING WIDOW.
*5* 1. Because they take their stand on purchase (that is to say,
2. Because it enabled him to feel loss of eyes.
3. When they caracole to Newcastle.
Be happy. Eu.
Two very comic misprints! The first occurs in the announcement
of the performance "every evening this week," of the comedy-drama
(whatever that means) at Drury Lane, for the benefit of the Gold-
smiths and Jewellers' Institution.". We are informed that Tickers
only benefit." As it is not for the benefit of the watchmakers, I
suppose the word should be tickets." The second funny error occurs
in a report, in the Dublin Freeoman, of the burning of a school in Lanca-
shire. We are therein told that-
"Richard Burton, a young man in the Lancashire constabulary, ran to the place,
and having obtained access to the school oom, at once kicked out three ofi lie wilows.
IIc proceeded to throw out the children to the people who were assembled below, and
by that means succeeded in saving several, wheo he was stopped by the flames, and
had to jump out to save his own life.
Of course, windows, not relicts, are meant; but the throwing out of the
children follows oddly on the kicking out of the widows.
WE understand that some valuable additions have been recently
made to the museum of the Numismatical Society. The following are
amongst the number of those latest received:-The identical twopence
for want of which the donkey failed to ascend; the brass farthing by
tossing which into the air a negative value is estimated; a stray
shilling liberated from the pound in which it had been placed by a
fraudulent bankrupt; the shilling (much worn at the edge) with which
irascible old men cut offtheir own heirs ; a pound (in good preserva-
tion) that has taken care of itself; and the well-authenticated half-
farthing for which somebody would have punched another party's
A CHICeAG paper says that massacres and scalpings by thn Indians
have become so common, that an oflicer stationed in the Indian
country writing to a friend says, he would send a lock of his hair but
fears it would be a fraud on the savages, as he expects one of them to
be his barber shortly. Of course, this is the mere excuse of a brave
man, who would send the hair if it were not that he might be accused
of cutting it in the face of danger.
[MAY 18, 1867.
A RUM PUP.
1st Hossy party : W-"WELL! BE'S ABOUT THE QUEEREST ARTICLE EVER I SEE! WHERE DID YE PICK 'IM UP
2ndditto:-" UT PADD'NGTON WAY. COVE SAID HE HAD 'EM SBPUN BE THE MILE, AND THEN CUT 'XM UP INTO LENGTHS!"
1st ditto :-"AnAYHow! WELL, HE IV' Y' GOOD MEASURE!"
IF sadly sitting by the nightly taper,
And thinking how to make my name illustrious-
If dawdling with my pen and ink and paper
Be industry-why, hang it, I'm industrious.
If Memory be a pleasant well to drink of,
And Hope a draught unmingled with anxiety-
If present things be not the things to think of-
I'm fit for spinning verses of society.
If brooding over selfish sorrow only,
At midnight, with a head that's aching frightfully-
If trying to be gay when sick and lonely
Be pleasing-I shall get along delightfully.
If, weary of to-night, I fear to-morrow-
Its printer's devils and its duns vociferous--
I take, at least, some pleasure in my sorrow,
And only keep awake to feel somniferous.
The Mad Months.
HARES afflicted with insanity are frequently met with in March. A
mild form of imbecility attacks mankind in May, and consequently, in
the neighbourhood of Exeter Hall, especially, May-niacs are rather
common just now.
IT is pleasant to find LOaD STANLEY making so sympathetic a
response to SIR FRANCIS GOLDSMID'S appeal on behalf of the persecuted
Jews of Servia. There are Christians capable of answering the com-
plaints of the victims by saying, Serve-yer right."
WE should fancy the nine tailors who put the following advertise-
ment into a Liverpool paper, the other day, have long since found out
the man they want.' If not, we should recommend them to apply to
some of our great Railway Financiers at present thrown out of
WANTED, for a Clothing Establishment, a Manager Competent to Cut and Keep
the Books. References and security required.-Apply at, etc.
We should imagine there was no difficulty in finding some one who,
after having enjoyed a place of trust as manager, would cut away with
the books and keep them. But, perhaps, honesty is in the ascendant
THE misguided youth who, through the medium of MR. SIMS REEVES,
has so often told his PHFEBE dearest" that if she loves him and will
have him, true he'll be through weal and woe; but if with disdain
you treat me, for a soldier I will go, oh! oh! oh!" has at length
carried his fell intent into execution. He has enlisted-in the Scots
A Slip-Slop Note.
As the chief cause of the London Tailors' strike appears to be the
log," we beg to offer the men a bit of friendly advice, and call their
attention to a memorable occasion on record when, as now, a "Log"
was objected to. What was the result may be learned from any
schoolboy acquainted with 2EsoP's Fables.
WE are requested to state that the pictorial embellishments on the
title page of the song Champagne Charlie are not by PHIz.
FTUIN.-MAY 18s, 1867.
-------- ~-- -- -' -.
7_ ^ "' -
^ .--Ad&.: ,
A HARMLESS INSTRUMENT.
Constable Bull:-" HERE, I SAY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY TRYING TO INTIMIDATE
THAT, EH ?"
Master W*lp*le :-" OH, SIR-PLEASE, IT AIN'T LOADED!"
MAY 18, 1867.] FUN. 105
MEN WE MEET.
BY THE COMIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.
a )- FOR your patient attention. The
i C-ma/ C. P. has taken your measure, and
S- won't trouble you again."
These ironical words are ad-
dressed by the Philosopher to those
ladies and gentlemen who have un-
consciously favoured him with
sittings during the last four
months. The C. P. won't trouble
S)them again, and he sincerely hopes
that they won't trouble him-but
that, he fears, is hoping against
hope. For weeks the Philosopher's
domestic privacy has been invaded
by visits from indignant subjects
whom he has ventured to embalm
in these pages. He has received,
on a weekly average, six furious
i--- -" fellows who won't be trifled with,
-r-- four determined characters who
don't intend to stand this sort of
thing, five demonstrative souls who propose to show him what is what,
two mild gentlemen who think it is really too bad, and a hundred and,
twenty-seven practical fellow-creatures who don't want to bring the
Philosopher before a public tribunal, if a fair compromise can be
arrived at. Besides those
of whom he has actually
treated, he occasionally re-
ceives visits from people
who think it likely that
their turn will shortly ti
come. It is customary with
these folk to get the C. P.
into a corner, and there to
bind him over with fearful -
threats, and. in fancy sums,
never to allude to them,
directly or indirectly, in
any periodical for which he
may happen to write.
It will be seen that if
this sort of thing goes on
much longer (and the
nuisance is increasing
daily), the C. P.'s sphere
of action will eventually
become so narrowed as
hardly to leave him any
elbow-room at all. He took every means in his power to abate the
inconvenience to which he was subjected. He first referred the matter
to SIR WILLIAM BOVILL and SIR HUGH CAIRNS, who were particularly
requested to say whether there was any legal authority in the 0. P.
to disperse by force any person who should visit his private residence
with the view of inducing the Philosopher to refrain from publishing
his portrait in this journal.
Their answer was that there was no such authority for any practical
They stated that when persons have once obtained peaceable
entrance into his house they can only be ejected after notice served on,
or brought home to each individually. Publication, they say, is not
enough, and an express warning must be shown. The C. P. must
turn them out in the molliter manus imposuit fashion. The C. P.
cannot go up to a trespasser and threaten to knock him down if he
does not go out; and no deadly weapons can be employed. In no
case may he legally clear his house by a charge-he can simply hand
them out, man after man.
The C. P., acting upon this advice, handed them all out, man after
man, but still they came. So he took the final step of issuing a
proclamation, keeping dark the advice that he had received from the
eminent legal authorities above -mentioned. The proclamation
assumed that every necessary power of massacre was vested in him,
and that he should put that power into operation if necessary. But
notwithstanding this, they still came. So the C. P. was obliged to
admit that the proclamation was only a dodge of his-a threat that he
dared not carry out. He feels that by adopting this cowardly course
he has covered himself with confusion, and deeply compromised the
admirable journal to which he is attached. He will probably be
" struck off the list of its contributories," but he don't care. He is
utterly indifferent. Why is he indifferent ? Listen.
Time was (not many weeks since), when
x pounds a week were a matter of moment to
him. It was worth his while to work hard
for that sum, for it went far towards defraying
his weekly breakfast bills. But that squalid
era has passed away from him, for ever. In
the course of these papers, he found occasion
to make several appeals to a class of beings to
whom a reasonable appeal is never made in
vain. He alludes to the Maidens of England.
To those appeals, the Maidens of England -
responded like one man. It cut the Philosopher
to the heart to reflect that he could only dis-
tinguish one of them at a time. Polygamy is,
at present, out of favour in England, and
while this unfortunate state of things exists,
they will have to await their turn. He selected
the loveliest and the wealthiest, and married
her half-an-hour ago. No cards. As soon as
he is a widower, he will marry the next
loveliest and the next wealthiest-and so on
through the list. He has found it impossible ,.
to reply individually to all applications, and
he begs that in cases where no answer has been received, silence
will be considered a respectful negative.
He is now about to start, via Folkestone and Nijni Novgorod, for
Bokhara, for his honeymoon. When he returns ho will be happy if
the Editor and contributors will call upon him now and then. A chop
and a knife and fork, in the servant's hall, will always be .at.their
disposal. Now he's off.
NOW AND THEN.
Now and then, not very often,
We have sun in May and June,
Now and then our feelings soften
To a man who sings in tune.
Now and then, one's friends won't tarry,
Smoke and keep us up all night;
Now and then some people marry
And seem disinclined to fight.
Now and then the man we've trusted
Doesn't turn out quite a rogue ;
Now and then our rooms get dusted,
And we tolerate a brogue.
Now and then an English lady,
For a whim, or pique, or "fad,"
Changes grace for manners shady
In the household of a cad.
Now and then relations find us
Come to stay a week in town;
When we leave our gamps behind us,
Now and then the rain comes down.
Now and then, by dint of struggling,
Flirts, like fish, got off the hooks,
Now and then, instead of smuggling,
Friends return our precious books.
Now and then we reach the station
In good time and full of breath,
Disappointments and vexation
Seem to dog us to our death.
I am not prepared to state now
How it is with other men,
I can only bow to fate, now-
Happy ? Yes-but now and then!
vWHAT the French may naturally expect from L.N. (ThSline), after
the Exhibition of Paris-a Ten Years' War.
106 F U N [MAY 18, 1867.
CAME a pleasant June day,
And it strayed into May,
The pleasance was fragrant with summer:
A IIn the heat of the town
Lo! the trees stoop'd down
To welcome the sunny new-comer.
Master Tom (who has been promised a penny if he is good during service) :-" I
SAY, MA,-IS IT HALF OVER YET "
. Mamma :-"YES, DEAR! "
Master Tom :-" THEN GIVE US A HALFPENNY "
DEAR SIR,-According to your wish that I should keep my eye on
the British Tourist in Paris, I beg to state that I have had only too
many opportunities of studying him. I am at present copying in the
Louvre, where he most doth congregate. He comes in swarms and
settles round your easel-stands in your light-criticizes your work-
makes remarks on your attire, &c.-upsets your turpentine and-
vanishes! You will naturally ask, Do these people not see you are
English, that they so coolly criticize you ? One would think that if they
'put this and that together' they would not pull you to pieces." No;
the beauty of it is they don't recognize the elegant and refined POTTS
in the person of a brigand in a felt hat and Wellington boots! Again,
you will ask, Why have you adopted this eccentric costume ?" Sir,
it is for the very reason of not wishing to appear eccentric, or to look
peculiar, that I have adopted it. Living in the society of Parisian
students it would never do to dress like a rational being. Were I to
wear my hair a decent length I should be the laughing stock of a
whole atelier-did they but know I ever combed it, I should be scouted
from all Beaux Arts society.
My beard (hem!) I have let grow wherever it will. (Do you laugh
at our beard ?) An immense Rubenesque sombrero hat is stuck jauntily
in my mouth, and a clay pipe is thrown carelessly on the side of my
head. (There is some mistake in the foregoing-,please correct.) My
coat is seedy on the outside, the lining is dying a natural death on the
inside; it is torn in several places, for, unlike the old gentleman in
MILLAIS' picture, my time is not much taken up in sewing tears."
My boots I wear over my trousers. I have adopted a sort of slangy,
shuffling gait. I carry a large wooden paint-box, and I sing popular
melodies when walking in the street, which singing consists of a
chronic yodel" like a hobbledehoy's voice in a transition state.
Where hedgerows get fresh verdure from the spring,
The village children often stray to find it;
The bird sweeps by upon a lusty wing,
And seldom leaves it very long behind it.
Eastward over all the seas,
Where the Trade winds sweep,
Sails the ship before the breeze,
Onward o'er the deep:
Till she sights the harbour-bar,
And the town shows fair;
"Foreign Devils from afar
So they call us there.
There was never fairer lady,
And he lowly bent him there,
-Where the garden pots were shady,
Till she gazed on his back hair.
And he promised to adore her,
At the granting of a kiss,
While he murmured soft before her
One small word, and it was this.
It stands afar with fear upon its features,
More frightened than all other horned creatures.
ANSWER TO AcaoSTIO No. 8.
V Vow W
A Alkali I
U Union N
B Ban N
A Anne E
N Niebuhr R
SOLUTIONS OF AcaOSTIC No. 8, RECEIVED MAY 8th.-None
Attired thus, I wend my way towards the Louvre. On arriving,
the first thing to do is to look about for a good easel and carpet that
have been carefully put away by somebody else. If you can't find one,
lay hands on stool, easel, and carpet of some poor wretch who has
gone to dejeuner, and bear them off bodily to your place. When, on his
return, he finds the whole paraphernalia disappeared, he can't accuse
you, as in all probability he procured them in the same manner. One
plan is to paint your initials in large and conspicuous characters on
both easel and stool, but as nearly all the students practise this, some
difficulty might arise as to who was the lawful owner. I will just give
you an idea of a quiet morning's work.
Supposing I have just begun in charcoal. Enter to me English
family-pa, ma, two daughters, and one son. The pa is clerical,
chokery, pompous, portly, and portwiney. The ma, sharp, strict, Sun-
day-schoolish, and souptickety. The daughters, pink, proper, booky,
and bread-and-buttery. The son, fourteen, fat and freckly, with a
tall hat and short jacket. All crowd round. Pa clears his throat,
and commences a long jobation on painting in general, from the early
ages down to the present time. All listen attentively except puffy son,
who is staring hard at a stout lady with a fish's tail in one of RUBENS'
pictures. He is reprimanded for not paying attention, and pa con-
tinues. He informs them that this person (meaning me, Sir) is copy-
ing a Titian (it being a Rembrandt), a painter that was much thought
of in his time," though he (pa) must confess that his (Titian's) colour
always struck him as being earthy." Eldest daughter asks why the
"person" is "doing it" all in black (I have just commenced in char-
coal). Is informed by pa that this is the great fault of the French
school. They were too gritty." Youngest daughter gushingly de-
clares that seeing pictures always made her die to be an artist. Is re-
proved by ma, who says that having had lessons at school, that was
all "any young lady could desire." "But, then," argues daughter
No. 2; I only did heads and landscapes, and easy things like
MAY 18, 1867.] F"U TJ 107
that." "And quite enough too, HENlrETTA !" is ma's reply. I thought
so, too. Puffy son asks why artists dress so jolly rum ?" Another
long harangue from pa on artists in general, and French ones in par-
ticular, together with a novel and highly entertaining description of
students and their ways of living.
Taking this young man as an example," he observes, I have no
doubt but that he is of the lowest extraction. Perchance a mere
peasant from the South of France. He comes to Paris-he is thrown
into a whirlpool of gaiety and pleasure-he grows careless, and
moustachios, and by degrees sinks lower and lower until he can
scarcely scrape a few sous together by exercising his profession."
At this juncture I draw from my pocket a small publication. On un-
folding it I display in large letters on the title-page, FUN, and with a
sweet smile that is all my own, I fix my cold grey eye on the quartette
around me, and sing softly, Paddle your own canoe." The effect is
miraculous. They fly! and I am left-not alone though, for a newly-
married couple have taken their place; they are being dragged about
by a guide. The gentleman gapes the whole time, and the lady, being
an amateur artist, is severe in her remarks. I am no sooner released
from them than a party of Coox's excursionists come up; and so on
throughout the whole day.
I overheard a conversation in the BONAPARTE room the other day.
BROWN and JoNEs were gazing with reverence at the cocked hat, &c.,
of the late emperor. Says SMITH (half speaking to Bnows and half
to himself), To think that that hat has been worn on the head of the
great NAP !" "Then," says BnowN, interrupting his friend's reverie,
Then I suppose that accounts for the Nap being worn off the great
hat, eh !" Feeling unwell, I left. Yours,
'TWAS EVER THUS.
I NEVER reared a young gazelle
(Because, you see, I never tried);
But, had it known and loved me well,
No doubt the creature would have died.
My rich and aged uncle JOHN
Has known me long and loves me well,
But still persists in living on-;
I would he were a young gazelle !
I never loved a tree or flow'r;
But, if I had, I beg to say,
The blight, the wind, the sun or show'r,
Would soon have withered it away.
I've dearly loved my uncle JOHN,
From childhood till the present hour
And yet he will go living on-
I would he were a tree or flow'r!
"A FRIENDLY Lead will shortly be given to JEM WurxwIson, who is
at present in trouble, but expects to get his ticket daily. It is hoped
all who knew him in brighter days will lend him a helping hand. For
tickets, and further particulars, apply to the landlord of the Weather-
cock Tavern, Printing-house-square."
'Rhyme and Reason.
A connrsroPDENT, who has so far mistaken his vocation as to send
us a copy of verses, says, "I have a cousin (thrice removed) who keeps
a shop in Lambeth, which must be my apology for all false quantities."
THE next Bill for a MILL-One for the Misrepresentation of the
Married ladies will continue to superintend the private business of
IT is stated, in the accounts of the recent Royal Academy dinner,
that the Chancellor of the Exchequer observed, I look upon this room
as the Mecca of Society." What he really said was, I look upon
this banquet as Me-dina."
A Modiste Note.
YOUNG ladies, as a rule, look so killing in pork-pie: hats that they
may be said to be armed cap-a-pie.
'THE last novelty in the Ethiopian melody line is Black Hide Susan."
SwEET'maid, with regal brow-
And golden hair-
Eyes that the skies with their own blue endow,
Oh, fair-so fair!
Permit thy poet thus to pen a verse on
Thee-whom the Legislature styles a" person."
Delight of this fond heart,
Oh, beauty rare!
Worshipped by artfulness as well as Art,
Oh, fair-so fair!
M. P.'s. as well as painters, anxious be,
Upon their canvases to set down thee !
Speak, empress of my breast,
And tell, oh, tell
Wilt thou accept the love I have contest
Too well-too well ?
Dost thou sufficiently upon me doat
To wed me-and to sacrifice thy vote ?
A New Dodge.
THE example set by the art-critic of the Daily Telegraph who re-
fused the other day to tell the public anything about the Society of
British Artists because he considered there was not a picture worth
looking at, is being conscientiously followed. The following paragraph
appears in the Little Times, a penny sheet supposed to contain scraps
"La France of to-day furnishes us with a programme of the movements of the
Sovereigns. It is too long for our short columns, though no doubt to many of our
readers it would be wonderfully interesting."
Thank you for nothing, most worthy sub-editor of the Little
Times. After this we ought not to be surprised at seeing something
to the following effect in a newspapcr:-" Yesterday the Judge Or di-
nary was employed in trying one of the most extraordinary divorce
cases that has ever come before him, but as it will no doubt be too ex-
citing for our readers we will say no more about it."
THE MARCO OP INTELLECT.-A Field-day with the "Inns of
n1t$erz ta Cferirsontn.
[We cannot return rejected X88. or sketches unless they are accom-
panied by a stamped and directed envelope.]
F. W., Bristol.-We don't see the point of the communication.
R. T., Liverpool.-Was done some weeks ago in FUN.
T. J., Wood-green.-But we don't think the public would grin too.
"No. 1, ROUND THE CORNEL."-We suppose the joke is there too, for
we can't see it.
E. C., Ipswich-In this instance, despite the old saying, E. C. does not
R. N., Denbigh-street.-We don't see your drift.
A CONSTANT READER.-You will find a similar joke in an early volume
R., Dock Office, Liverpool.-Done in FUN ages ago.
J. H. C.-We shall see.
C. L.-The paragraph was sent us by another correspondent-without
any copy attached.
TEASER.-Not quite, this time.
A SCOTCH READER.-Many thanks.
NEw-cRoss.-Thanks for the suggestion, but it is of no use.
A CRIB BITFR.-Unfortunately we don't see the Bucks Herald, and so
were not aware of your article.
COUNTRY COUSIN will find what he requires in our numbers every week.
J. H., Hastings.-Our letter was not attended to.
M. S. P., Montrose.-Too late.
COMET.-Thanks. We did not detect the erratic appearance.
CERBERN will find his rejection in our back numbers.
Declined with thanks-W. P., Wimbledon; Sigma; H. H., Notting-
hill; Rodolph; W. 0., Liverpool; W. S., Birmingham; E. L., Salisbury-
street; Scotchman; U. Q.,; Adelphi; J. H. T., Dublin; W. P. T., Wal-
lingford; H. R. R., Edinburgh; C. G. A.; H. W. S.; F. W. H., Bel-
grave-road; T. M., Dublin; "A man wot suffered;" R. L. P., Darling-
ton; Machinist; L. B. E.. City; E. H. R.; H. S. J.; A. B., Manchester ;
E. W. L.; J. W; A Reformer; A. H., Newbury; H. Belgrave-road;
M. D.; H. C., Erith; R. M. 0.; E. E. G., Putney; A. L. B.; A Devotee;
W. G. I., Islington; R. W., Manchester; Contra; P. G., Junior;.X;
W. T., Bayswater; D. I., Bridgewater; J. F.; R. F. B., South Belgravia;
H. T. M., Waterloo; S. F., Bristol; "Veretas;" J. P., Camberwell; R.
H., Glasgow; R. B. B., Westminster; J. W. S., Dublin; Tig; W. W.,
Stafford; J. P., junior, Whitehaven; A. Z.; Daphne.
[MAY 18, 1867.
BT A REIm-B.
LAND of the whitebait and the punch, I know thee well! Oft from
thy green slopes have I gazed upon the Thames, the Father of
Waters, flowing seaward with his freight of penny steamers and other
craft. Before me lay the Isle of Dogs, from Barking to the Bight of
Limehouse. The Isle of Dogs, intersected with kennels-I mean
canals! Land of the water-rush (Impetus aquatious) and the quag-
mire, well do I know thee! The pleasant land of Greenwich is
divided into two districts-the highlands and the lowlands. In the
former the traveller finds that the whitebait (Album beatum) forms
the staple of food. With this the inhabitants consume a species of
fire-water, the general effects of which may be described briefly as a
headache next morning. Feasts are continually going on at large
caravanserai overlooking the river. They would seem to form a sort
of religious ceremony, the guests sitting down and feeding with great
solemnity, under the superintendence of grave functionaries, attired in
the costume of the sacerdotal order. As is the custom with savage
nations, the ceremony, as a rule, winds up in a wild manner.
In the lowlands the whitebait is replaced by a small crustacean, the
shrimp (Lobsterus parvulus). This is eaten in large quantities with a
beverage formed by the decoction of leaves from a native plant, the
Tardus communism, or common sloe. When prepared, this drink is en-
titled "tee," and is consumed with avidity by the natives. Inscrip-
tions are frequently met with on the shutters of the houses, and have
been translated by eminent scholars. They appear to be offers of
hospitality to the passer-by-offers ranging from the munificence of
"tea and s'rimps may be had here," to the comparative parsimony of
"parties supplied with hot water." The presiding genius of the tea
and s'rimp house is in most cases an elderly female. These females are
seldom beautiful, and their honesty, as is frequently to be observed
among savages, is not above suspicion.
A green and undulating woodland forms the background of the scene
I have been depicting. In its centre stands a strange building called
the Observatory, and described by the natives as the central spot of the
world, or Latitude Nothing." This belief in an omphalus of the globe
would seem to indicate descent from the Greeks.
On the pleasant sward (Herba viridis) of this region the youth of the
country delight in disporting. There is a hill crowned by one tree
(Arbor sola). Down the sides of this eminence the young people run,
hand-in-hand. The pastime is rough, and not without danger, as is
the case with many of the amusements of savages. At one time an
annual gathering took place here, entitled the Fair, at which the
wildest orgies were the order of the day. It has, however, fallen into
desuetude of late years, owing, possibly, to the spread of missionaries
Another relic of the past, now consigned to oblivion, is the Pen-
sioner (Sal vetus) who used to frequent the scene. All the old braves,
who had defended their country on the sea, were sent to live in a large
building, where they were supplied with wooden legs (and very little
else), and sent into the park, to inspire patriotic sentiments in the
bosoms of the boys of the country. They earned a precarious living
and an occasional screw of tobacco (Nicotianafumabilis) by lending out
long tubes through which they alleged the visitor could survey the
surrounding country, and by telling long and highly-coloured stories
of their experiences. The tales were known locally as "bangers," a
word probably derived from a native verb signifying "to make a
Land of the brown breaded whitebait and the iced punch, of the
crisp and to-be-deftly picked s'rimp, and the mild and innocuous tea,
I am tolerably well acquainted with thee !
Land of the iced whitebait and brown-breaded punch, of the deftly-
be-packed tea, mild 'nocuous s'rimp I have visi-revisited thee, with
view t' revisiting-no, reviving impressions 'bout you. I'm on tol-
tole'bly good speaking trumpets-should say speaking terms, with
both of you. Hic!
WHY was it that ADMIRAL PEansAo declined to expose himself to
danger at the battle of Lissa ? Because he preferred keeping Mens
sana in corpore Per-sano."
Ig- FUN may be obtained in Paris every Wednesday of MEssRs.
KIBKLAND AND Co., No. 27, Rue de Richelieu.
L madon; Prntcd by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and PuDlished (for tne Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-
May 18, 1867.
MAY 25, 1867.]
F PU N.
NICHOLAS. IN BUSINESS FOR HIMSELF.
THE ORIENTAL REPOSITORY, HORSBLATDOWN.
My DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,-To all those which may have inquired,
some of them individuously, and others in the spirit of a brother man,
concerning of my present locus in quo you are now in a position to
reply that I may be found at the above address, where all the chief
periodicals of the day are on sale, and the Times lent to read. I was
absent from your cheerful columns last week, it is true; but, my dear
young Friend, your classic lore will remind you as Rome was not
built in a day, nor yet was the Oriental Repository, which I had to
take it with some of the old stock, and between ourselves it has got a
bad name, or they would not let me have it cheap. Your artist,
however-than whom a more respectable young man for his position
in life, and I wish I had had something better on the premises at the
moment than half of a bottle of stout which, I am afraid, as it was a little
turned with the hot weather-your artist, Sir, will tell you that
NICHOLAS, who was dnce the glass of fashion, the mould of form, and
the cynicrure of neighboring eyes, is quietly converted into an honest
British tradesman, ever ready for to sell you a penny Sunday paper,
affable to the widow and the orphan, and not unlikely for to ultimately
soar into the very loftiest parochial honours.
You will naturally ask me where I got my capital. I got it, my dear
young Friend, from the quarter where least expected. At a time when
my frenzied appeals to you, Sir, for a ten-pound note was treated with
derision-and, between ourselves, you would never have seen the money
again if you had been fool enough to lend it!-at that time, Sir, who
should come forward but my Relative, of whom I have frequently
spoken in these pages, not always, perhaps, with that warm affection
which it is his rightful due, but well he knows as I have always really
loved him. His words were plain and blunt, which I will transcribe
a few of them: If left without any assistance whatever, you will
probably take to Crime; and, although you have treated your best
friends with scandalous ingratitude, they have no desire to see you in
a felon's cell. You shall have another chance. You are not absolutely
a fool; and with common care and attention you may pick up a decent
living in the periodical line. Stick to business; keep yourself sober;
and all may yet be well." Very plainly put, Sir, was it not ? and so
here is my relative's jolly good health, in a bumper! And yours, Sir!
And we will let the bumper pass, whilst we'll fill another glass, to the
athletic men of merry, merry England !
The Oriental Repository," Sir, it is a name, or rather an appella-
tion, which I have invented it all out of my own head, on account of
Horselaydown being in the East.
CHAPTER THE SECOND.
A PARTING W Won WITH THE E. K. A. A. S. S. A. F. G.
LOOKING over some of the old stock, Sir, what should I see but a
East Kent Advertiser and Sheerness, Sittingbourne, and Faversham Guar-
dian, which well-known print have recently been having words
with me. To my delight, I find that the East Kent, &c., &c., &c., can
at last see a joke. Give him a conspicious, position, MEassns. JUDD
AnD GLAss, for the Prophet is old enough, and strong enough, and wise
enough for to forgive, thanks be! The Sheerness Guardian, if he will
look in at the Oriental Repository, I will say nothing about back num-
bers, but gladly pledge him in the rosy wine.
THe SnEERNxss GuARnrA.-After all, it appears that "Nicholas" must have
visited Sheerness, and we beg pardon of "the old man honourable," for having
insinuated that he came amongst us only in spirit, we had better, perhaps, say
in imagination, or he may take the reference to "spirit" as a personalreflection.
From his recent reverses, he is evidently somewhat out of spirits. We wish him
better luck in his Derby vaticination. One thing we admire in the "old man's"
conduct, is the sensible course which he took in purchasing a current copy of the
.East Kent Advertiser, and Sheerness, Sittingbourne, and Faversham Guardian,
during his stay. Had he done this before he complained of the sherry," a refer-
ence to our advertising columns would have put him in possession of information
which would have obviated his complaint by directing him where to get soma good
TOL V. 2
sherry. When the "old man" visits Sheerness again, let him ignore his ungrateful
friend of former days, whose reception so annoyed him, and send in his card to the
E. K. A., ec., we will gladly introduce him to a bottle of "Pale" or Golden,"
that shall merit a character many degrees above "beastly." Moreover, we will
show him that the Sheerness of the present day is a very different locality to the
Sheerness of fifty years ago, and that a very enjoyable day, especially in summer
weather, may be spent in strolling along the Sheppy Beach.
It appears to us that the reason a very large section of our fellow-countrymen
at a distance view Sheerness as such a one horse sort of a place, as a Yankee
would say, is to be found in the fact, which we pointed out recently, that no step
has ever been taken by the inhabitants to bringits real merits before public notice."
Well, Sir, I dare say as the Sheerness Guardian is quite right; and
though he do not catch me, not at the Prophet's present period, a-
walking along Sheppy Beach, yet I am glad as he have made things
pleasant. But, Sir, there is a old cove in the same paper, which he
actually signs hisself The Writer of the Article on the Luxembourg
Question," and than whom a more wicious old public journalist never
| tried to ruin a humble Prophet. This old cock, Sir, if such he may ho
ealed, is very angry because I said his literary style was exactly like
mine, which it is, but he do not see the compliment. He imagines as
I said as he was ungrammatical, whereas what I really said was that
he wrote exactly like your Prophet. I ain't ungrammatical, am I ?
Just let this wicious old man, however, speak for himself, verbatim ot
"If the contribute to Fus will only get some charity schoolboy to parse for him
the sentence to which he has taken an exception, ihe will recognize his own igno-
rance, and perhaps excuse us for surmising that he writes in the stupid style he lihas
adopted because of is incapacity to use anothere"
Now, look here; I ain't a-going for to stand it! If the "Writer of the
Article on the Luxembourg Question" will only get some charity school-
boy (standing him a drink) to spell for him the sentence which I have
just quoted, he will recognize his own ignorance, and perhaps excuse
me for surmising that when he spells contribute" with a "o"
instead of a o," and "is incapacity instead of his" incapacity, he
writes in the stupid style he has adopted because 'he don't know no
better authorgraphy nor yet no better sintacks. There let him lay. I
have advertised him gratis, and as he do not seem obliged to me I will
not do so again. Never no more, ye E. K. A. A. S. S. A. F. G.
CHAPTER THE THIRD. THE DERRY OF 1867.
FROM the spirited delineation, Sir, given by your Artist, the public
will see as I had not fallen into a Prophetic Trance, but was a-standing
at my shop door, with all my wits about me, and a leary smile upon
those lineaments which, although at present confined chiefly to the
neighbourhood of the Oriental Repository (for fiscal reasons), were
once familiar to Britannia's Hope and all the rest of the Aristocracy.
It was on one of the few warm days with which we have been favoured.
The Old Mfan's heart, Sir, was full. The manly conduct of his Relative
had touched him a good deal. He had likewise been having a littio
rum-and-water with a sea-captain. At such a moment, Sir, it is not
unlikely as the prophetic spirit may have stirred me to my inmost
depths. As usual on such occasions, it took a metrical form.
Awake, Prophetic Harp! In Sixty-five
You sent them Gladiateur, who's still alive ;
In Sixty-six was NICHOLAS a dolt,
Sending Lord Lyon and the Bribery Colt ?
Gents, get your money ready, fair and free,
While the Old Man proclaims One, Two, and Three!
So, you see, I begin it as cocky as possible-though between ourselves
I cannot hope to be successful every year.
First in the line of sight appears Vanban,
One of the boldest as has ever ran;
Yes, just as I have written long ago,
Look, the "Rake's Progress" has resulted so.
I've pledged myself to eat him should he win,
But didn't say when feeding would begin;
And it would prove, Sir, an unpleasant dinner
For to devour a real dead Derby winner!
If D'Estournel his temper keep, no horse
Can match him on the trying Epsom course.
Van Amburgh, too, will earn a lusting fame, or
Not be described as a Lord Lyon-tamer !
Say, say! is Hermit always in the dark ?
Or will the Marksman never hit the mark ?
Will mighty Julius struggle still in vain ?
Nor Plaudit come unto the front again ?
Perpend these hints; their hidden'meaning scan,
And, if ye win, send stamps to the Old Man;
The minimum it will be half-a-crown,
At the Oriental Repository, Horselaydown! NICHOLAS.
P.S.-Do not forget, "The Oriental Repository," Horselaydown.
All works on Knurr and Spell kept in stock. Soda-water sold. The
East Kent Advertiser, and Sheerness, Sittingbourne, and Faversham
Guardian lent to read-charge, seven-and-sixpence every quarter of
110 FU N. [MAY 25, 1867.
..... DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
THE manhood of all England here
Is gathered; for the sport is dear,
And ever and anon the cheer,
Rings gaily on the air:
The smooth sward runneth fresh and green,
The charging clamorous crowds between,
And not another stirring scene,
With this one can compare.:
A curious concourse of bards,
All singing in barbarous speech,
While the king of the circle awards
The prizes to all and to each.
"A dirge for her the doubly dead,
In that she died so young,"
With wild eyes flush'd, and noble head,
So the strange poet sung.
In loveliness she stands confest,
And, oh! what anguish wrings her breast,
For on this merry morn of May
Her hero lover rides away.
MICHAEL DRAYTON as we're told,
In heraldic pages old,
Carried this in splendour bright
On his scutcheon like a knight.
POPKINS IN PARIS.
1op)kins to: .. .*-" HULLO, Hi! GUY FAUX !"
Chef. :-" COMMENT, M'SIEUP "
T. :-"Loss X'wAY-C'NYOU TELL M' SHORT CUT TO ALGIT PUMP ?"
Chef. :-" JE NE VOUS COMPRENDS PAS, M'SIEU!"
P. :-" THANKY-GOON NI, GUY FAUX !"
[MoRAL :-Let the British Excursionist beware of French Brandy.
SPEAxK,anchorite! Why dost thou thus avoid
All human converse in this grotto lonely ?
With life's enjoyments has thy soul been cloyed,
Or disappointed only P
Why seek this solitude, this frugal fare,
Remote from human ties, and human features ?
Oh, self-involved, how is it thou dost dare
To shun thy fellow-creatures ?
Not in this cell, afar from all mankind,
Thy fitting residence-thy destined place is!
Speak! Say, if banished from thy selfish mind
All interest in thy race is !
Replied the anchorite, when thus addressed,
All interest in my race ? Alas! poor sinner,
Once in a race I took great interest
But didn't back the winner !"
BEFORE the day is over how many a youth will discover that one of
the edged tools with which it is not advisable to play for fear of cut
fingers, is a high-mettled racer.
WHY should fish always be the last course of a dinner ?-Because
they are the finnish by nature.
A DEnnY CHORUS.-" Rum tiddy doll !"
The auri sacra flames made this dear,
To guess it bring the dictionary here,
ANSWER To Acios'rei No. 9.
T Tabards S
A Abbot T
I Iser R
L Lorelei I
0 Oak K
R Runnymede E
CORRECT SOLUTIONS OF ACROSTIC No. 9, RECEIVED 15Tur MAY:-
Lazybones; Brick Court; Two Phettid Phoozles; Birkenhead;
Georgie; Ruby; M. T. Aldershot; Pighead; A. D. H. T.; Fosco ;
Bumblepuppy; Deepthought; R. 0. T. B.; Chos6 and Mamie;
Petlein; Sheernasty; Nanny's Pet; T. D. H.
Ruby, Dublin, we cannot now ascertain.
A For-Lorne State of Affairs.
HAD the Trip to the Tropics of LORD LORNE been as widely read as
it deserves to be, we feel assured that the public would not have so
readily laughed at the Jamaica Committee and its stories of the atro-
cities perpetrated in the island. What will our readers say to such
a combination of butchery and brewery as is shadowed forth in the
following quotation F
"My informant has seen little flogging on the estate on which he was engaged.
When they flogged, however, It was laid on pretty tight; the lash, a long flaxen
thong, being so vigorously applied, that blood was drawn freely. Six hundred and
forty hogsheads were made on the estate."
We cannot quite reconcile his lordship's statement about the small
amount of flogging with the idea of the six hundred and forty hogsheads
of blood made on the estate. Either the Jamaica planter behaves very
badly to his African, or LoRD LORNE treats his English with ignorance,
that fruitful source of barbarity.
THE ignorance of the black-leg is proverbial. The fraternity, it is
well known, have mistaken the meaning of the famous spelling-book
description of the horse. They read it the horse is a nobble animal."
Our Better Halves.
WHY do ladies prefer to lay wagers in gloves.-Because they like to
have a hand in the betting.
WHY ought an aquatic Palestine be like one of Fo a -xM AND
MASON'S hampers ?-Because it ought to have a Lobster-Saladin.
MAY 25, 1867.] IFU N. 111
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF EPSOM.
Apr -,t I ~-
k ,l ii Ai, a
S jb_.''_*:.z..--" **...
I.- ,( \ _
A DERBY DITTY.
II up to the Downs hurry nobles and clowns,
SOn the world-renowned Feast of St. Epsom;
Cart, phaeton, wagon, bus, hansom, and drag on,
Short, tall, fat, and thin, some out and some in,
On knifeboard, roof, dicky, and step some;
All chaffing and cheering
As on they're careering,
In various modes,
And by different roads,
But all of them Derbywards steering.
Of dolls, at a penny, to reckon how many
You'll meet with would puzzle a CooCRER.
If I sang in this ballad the acres of salad,
(Both lobster and plain) and the seas of champnagno
That you'll see, you would think me a mocker.
The tumblers and niggers,
The gipsies and tramps,
The beggars and scamps,
To sum, would need several figures.
All the hosts that will go if you faintly would know,
You had better consult Ma. DORLINO,
For barring all sell you may get him to tell you
His number of cards, which (as cocknified bards
Would be-rhyme him) is truly "apporling."
(Since folks from all places
Are turning their faces
To Epsom-all bent,
With common consent,
Upon having a day at the Races.
But before they have done, when the Derby is run,
How many will find themselves debtors I
If their choice is unlucky, no matter how plucky,
When called on to pay, they'll be wishing that they
All the betting had left to their bettors;
They'll utter their wishes
With pshaws, and with pishes-
Oh, would we had not
So put on the pot-
Which a very nice kettle of fish is !"
[MAY 25, 1867.
A WILDD GOOSE" CASE.
Fide Advertisemntses in tMo lDaily Pavers.
BY THE SAITNTERER IN SOCIETY.
THE unknown quan-
J tity is exactly the
thing to exhibit with-
i x s xout exaggeration or
excess the extraordi-
nary numbers that
and expectation will
to an exodus from
town. The extensive
exile, or extravasation
of the life-blood of
exquisites, and excur-
one of those excep-
Stional and extreme
cases when all Eng-
THE FRENoN I Cth '.O .T iON land expresses its
ecstasy and exhibits
its expansive and exuberant sympathy with an excusable forgetful-
ness of external differences, which, when examined, will exhibit ex-
edlencies we should not be led to expect, and which is an exponent of
a national feeling extending from the most exalted to those of the
meanest extraction-I mean without further excursiveness (for the
eccentricity of which my exemplary reader may expostulate with me
most justly)-the love of sport. If the weather is but fine, one of the
largest gatherings may be expected on the Downs, for the race is quite
an open one, and everybody will be anxious to see it. I don't fancy
any of my readers will suspect me of an intimate knowledge of horse-
flcsh and racing, but as a saunterer in all societies, I may mention the
impression I gather from my wanderings-namely, that the race is the
exclusive property of D'Estournel, if that amiable animal will but
consent to keep its temper and restrain its desire to eat, or otherwise
destroy its jockey,-just for five minutes!
I may mention "in this connection "-racing, to wit-that I have re-
ceived a racy set of "rules and conditions" from Tipperary. The
Tipperary race-course is clearly not to be looked on as the ordinary
" course of events," and the regulations in force upon it would puzzle
any one but an Irish sportsman. Here are a few of the posers:-
Any person refusing to allow his horse to be sold after winning a Selling Race
will forfeit the race, and same to go to the fund."
I suppose whether the horse, or the race, or the person goes to the
fund is from the Hibernian point of view all" the same "-only dif-
ferent. Then one is told:-
N.B.-Any person raising an objection to lodge 5 with the Stewards, same to
be forfeited should the objections prove groundless."
If a person did not raise an objection but could not raise the money,
what then ? It seems from the wording of the sentence that the
groundless objection would be all the forfeit the stewards could exact.
But the best is to come:-
Any horse not standing in the stable of a subscriber of 1 to the race fund,
the night previous to, or during the race, the owner of same will have to pay
2 sovs. before his horse will be allowed to start."
This is simply extortion! Fancy having to pay 2 for per-
mission to start your horse for a race, during which he must, accord-
ing to the rules, stand in a stable! The rules state that no "con-
federancy is allowed ;-it's a pity they did not obtain the services
of some literary confederate before they ventured on these tricks of
IT is high time the Gulf Stream were taken out, cleaned, repaired,
and put back again. A week ago we were at Midummmer-the week
before at Midwinter, to which we have as suddenly returned. Mt.
KINGosLY's favourite Rorth Easter has come back with neuralgia and
rheumatism in its train. I fear our prospects of a good fruit year are
gone. And it is all the Gulf Stream, I am told. Has it gone to the
Paris Exhibition, or is it a democratic current that is diverted, but not
amused, at the spectacle of a Tory Government successfully carrying a
Reform Bill ? I only hope it will behave like a well-condueaed tide,
and come back to us in time for the Derby.