• TABLE OF CONTENTS
HIDE
 Front Cover
 Title Page
 Preface
 Fun
 September 15, 1866
 September 22, 1866
 September 29, 1866
 October 6, 1866
 October 13, 1866
 October 20, 1866
 October 27, 1866
 November 3, 1866
 November 10, 1866
 November 17, 1866
 November 24, 1866
 December 1, 1866
 December 8, 1866
 December 15, 1866
 December 22, 1866
 December 29, 1866
 January 5, 1867
 January 12, 1867
 January 19, 1867
 January 26, 1867
 February 2, 1867
 February 9, 1867
 February 16, 1867
 February 23, 1867
 March 2, 1867
 March 9, 1867
 Index
 Back Cover














Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
ALL VOLUMES CITATION THUMBNAILS PAGE IMAGE ZOOMABLE
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Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00011
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
regular
 Subjects
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
 Notes
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00011
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
        Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
    Preface
        Page iii
        Page iv
    Fun
        Page 5
    September 15, 1866
        Page 6
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
    September 22, 1866
        Page 15
        Page 16
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
    September 29, 1866
        Page 25
        Page 26
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
    October 6, 1866
        Page 35
        Page 36
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 40
        Page 41
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 46
    October 13, 1866
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
        Page 51
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 56
    October 20, 1866
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
        Page 61
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 66
    October 27, 1866
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
        Page 71
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 76
    November 3, 1866
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
        Page 81
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 86
    November 10, 1866
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 95
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 98
    November 17, 1866
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 108
    November 24, 1866
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 118
    December 1, 1866
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 127
        Page 128
    December 8, 1866
        Page 129
        Page 130
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
    December 15, 1866
        Page 139
        Page 140
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
    December 22, 1866
        Page 149
        Page 150
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
    December 29, 1866
        Page 159
        Page 160
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
    January 5, 1867
        Page 169
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 175
        Page 176
        Page 177
        Page 178
    January 12, 1867
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 185
        Page 186
        Page 187
        Page 188
    January 19, 1867
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 195
        Page 196
        Page 197
        Page 198
    January 26, 1867
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 205
        Page 206
        Page 207
        Page 208
    February 2, 1867
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
    February 9, 1867
        Page 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 225
        Page 226
        Page 227
        Page 228
    February 16, 1867
        Page 229
        Page 230
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
    February 23, 1867
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
    March 2, 1867
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
    March 9, 1867
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
    Index
        Page 264
        Page 265
    Back Cover
        Cover
Full Text























































- ,0-'


LONDUN :


PUBLISHED


(FOR THE PROPRIETOR) BY J. ALDER,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.


^






































































- i11 II


HE delicate aroma of one of the finest cigars over imported from the Havana- an aroma
subtle as wit, and penetrating as humour-was diffused through the elegantly-furnished
and comfortable apartment, wherein the great FUN, having despatched his inimitable
journal to press, was enjoying a quiet weed.
Suddenly there came a sound of hurried footsteps, followed by a tremulous knocking
at the door of the sanctum.
Now, that," observed FUN to himself, as he watched the smoke that so gracefully
curled' from his classically chiselled lips-" now that sounds like RUSSELL. It's just
as he used to come for advice-which he never took-as to the management of the
Ministry. But he surely cannot want advice now that he's in opposition. It can't bo DIzzy,
for he's engaged in re-editing his latest work of fiction, the Reform measure, which is not
so interesting as Vivian Grey, or even Sybil, by-the-bye I As for the Earl of D., he
has no translation of HOMER in hand, so he can't be coming for help to construe a stiff
passage; and he would not trouble his head about anything less important than that!
Ha! I've guessed it. It's GENERAL PEEL in a panic about Reform Demonstrations-
or perhaps WALPOLE of the lachrymal gland "-
Here the knock was repeated more loudly.
"Come in!" cried the great FUN. Whereupon the door opened and a youth, in
the costume of one of the last pages of the History of the Nineteenth Century, entered
with pale lips, and hair that evinced a strong tendency to stand on end.
"Well, thou London-milk-faced loon," said the great jester, smiling, "what is the
matter now ?"
Oh, sir! Pupupuplease, sir! It's the Bubububritish Lululion, sir I "
As the poor lad uttered these words, flattening himself against the wall until he
looked like a bas-relief of Terror, the majestic creature he alluded to entered the room
without ceremony. FuN rose to greet his visitor, but the office cat, alarmed at the
appearance of her lordly relative, took refuge behind the waste -paper basket,
which she knew contained rejected MSS. of sufficient density to resist any ordinary
attack.
"My dear LEO," said FUN, after shaking hands with his old and valued friend,
"what is the matter? You seem put out."
"That's just it! I am put out in Trafalgar-square for exhibition, and nearly
extinguished by adverse criticism. People are laughing and quizzing at my likeness;
and that's a kind of thing I don't care about. I should have gone to war for consider-








iv PREFACE.

ably less than that a few years back, but we are not so pugnacious now-a-days. Come, what's to be done ? I've come to talk
over the matter with you to whom I owe so many hearty laughs."'
Always delighted to keep you in a roar, I'm sure "
"Thank you. I know I can depend on your sound sense. What is to be done?"
I can sympathize with you, and having seen inferior copies of myself in other columns, can appreciate your position on
the NELSON one. The lions are not quite what they should be, but you know Sin EDWIN is a painter, not a sculptor. If it
had been on the canvas "--
I should not have given him my vote for the bronze."
Good-for you, my dear LEo !"
You do me honour;-and then there's the casting-"
And the costing Well, that's a Baronial haul which cannot be put in a state of defence. But you must remember
the Baron is almost a Royal Academician and "-
True, I forgot that; one ought to be prepared for anything from an R.A.;-suppose we say a dense array."
Suppose we don't, eh ? Your puns have somewhat of the same character as the casts have, to which you object."
They're not flattering, any more than you are. They are not what I expected. I looked for something more than mere
size; some greater aspirations. They could make big lions in ancient Babylon."
And you think modern Ninny-veh, with advanced civilization, might go further."
Exactly As a National Monument, the NELSON column is a conspicuous failure."
It was so before the lions appeared, remember. I think it is somewhat improved now, because the column is almost
lost sight of. Still it is not what it should be, but, reflect, there are other columns which may be regarded as a national
monument."
What, the DUKE OF YOIK'S, and the one on Fish Street-hill ? Come, you're joking."
Not in this instance, though joking is my business as well as my pleasure."
Then what do you mean ?"
The great FUN smiled and touched an alarum which stood on his table. A trap-door suddenly opened in the floor, and
a quaint dwarf, attired in motley, and bearing a magenta-bound quarto, made his appearance.
There," said FUN, blandly indicating the book, There, my dear LEO, is a national monument of which the British
Lion need not feel ashamed."
The royal brute took the book in his paws without delay. He opened its pages, and in less than a minute was restored to
good-humour and incited to uproarious mirth by the perusal of


Ijre fnrtlJ inume nf dtfe 'Uo Stries of umn.













1.







'I


I ~


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(Answer in our next.)
N orator speaking with power to a crowd
Who gathered to hear him with plaudits so loud.
The object they meet for, the stout artisan
Asserting at length all his rights as a man.
The two in conjunction may often be met,
a The last time they did so the former got wet.


All the little board of treasure,
Scattered by one man's design,
I would string him up with pleasure,
Were law-making work of mine.
2.
I live in gold and silver, so you see
Folks turn their noses down-not up-at me.
3.
Disjunctive conjunction, conjunction of doubt,
(Not famed Clapham Junction, with riot and rout)
Enjoining conjecture,-I pray, find it out.
4.
By evil men into a dungeon hurled,
HIe saw with eager eyes each distant world,
And still fought on with noble tongue and pen,
To bring them even nearer to our ken.
5.
The gentleman who took from Linne
His title, lived too fast;
And then committed one great sin,
And yet was saved at last.
6.
We often hear the drum amid war's rattle,
Yet there's a drum that never beat to battle.

Cool!
HERE is an example of modest requirements:-
WANTED, by a Lady, immediately, for a Few weeks, CHANGE of AIR, with
agreeable society and amusement.-Address A. B., etc., etc.
We only wonder that she is satisfied with merely a visit of a few
weeks. But we fancy there are not so many woaks about, that she will
get an invitation very readily.

Good News for France.
WE have long boasted of the British oak. Unhappily, oak-apples
are now so plentiful that we are obliged to admit that we are suffering
from a successful invasion of the gall.


Cholera Fright.
Da. FORBES WINSLOW has written a sensible letter on "the depress-
ing passions in relation to cholera," and condemns the sensation-
writing about the disease, as calculated to produce it by mere panic.
A Mit. WINwooD READE writes a silly answer in the Pall Mall, and is
thankful our newspapers are not compelled, like those in France, to
be silent." As he dates from a hospital, we must conclude he belongs
to the medical profession, which has profited so largely by the panic
that it ought to defend the originators of it. There can be no doubt
that the extent of the visitation has been exaggerated immensely. The
weekly returns of the Registrar are based on the returns of the hos-
pitals, and any hospital surgeon knows that cholera morbus is but
diarrhea writ large."

The Last of May or the First of April.
WE extract the following from the advertising columns of the
Clerkenwell News :
FEMALES wishing to know their Future Welfare, and Husbands, with their
trade, send age and sex, and 13 stamps, to J. May, &c.
We should like to know who would be silly enough to give thirteen
stamps for any knowledge they could obtain from one who is obliged
to ask "females to inform him to what sex they belong!

Nine Hours at the Sea-side.
DEDICATED TO THE NORFOLK-HOWAID FAMILY.
By Day.
FouR of smoking, two of drinking,
Three of loafing-none of thinking.
By Night.
Two of sleeping, four of scratching,
Three of searching-none of catching.

A Literary Anecdote.
"HAVE you seen my new book P" asked TWADDLE the other day,
when he met us on board the steamboat, carrying under his arm a
copy of his latest work, "Have you seen my new book? Do you
think it will go down?" "It is heavy enough," we answered, adding,
as we pointed over the vessel's side, "Fiat cxperimentumn !" But
TWADDLE not having his dictionary of classical quotations with him
could not understand our last remark, so he only smiled grimly."

Depreciation in Shares.
THANKS to the bears," a joint-stock speculation is more than ever
like a clock, for you generally find it's been run-down when it comes to
be wound-up.


VOL. IV. A










F' QJ N' SEPIFMBFP. 1 5, 1866.


'i \1BWW~iOIll\'\m \ If f^'
[RATHER TOO WARM.
Accidental Guest (to casual acquaintance, whom he finds doosid
agreeable") :-" HANG THIS SQUALLING! LET'S GO AND HAVE A WEED
AT CREMORNE."


mCasual Acquaintance.:-" NOTHING I SHOULD LIKE BETTER
HOT WEATHER; BUT AS IT'S MY WIFE AT THE PIANO, AND I'ME
MASTER OF THE HOUSE, I'M AFRAID IT WOULDN'T QUITE DO!"


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
GLENHOOLACHAIACHAN.
MY DEAR YOUNG FRTEND,-Your letter have at length been for-
warded to NICHOLAS by a special messenger, wherein you say as I
have left you in the lurch, and call me an unprincipled old duffer,
which is a form of speech that have been applied to me before, and I
am sure you would not speak with such colloquial frankness not
unless you meant it. Candour is one of your virtues, and so it is of
mine, so the old man will not attempt to mislead you by any cock-
and-bull story, as I do not think I could get you to believe, but tell
you the honest truth, because it is tolerably sure to come out one way
or another.
The fact is, then, my dear young Friend, that NICHOLAS have been
again rioting in the lapse of luxury, and the Duke was so pleased
with me that I found it quite impossible to get away from the Castle
to my own shooting-box in this here Glen for the purpose of writing
my copy. In fact, I have got rather into disgrace with one of my
admirers, who shall be nameless beyond saying as he is Britannia's
Hope and Cambria's Pride, by staying so long in the Highlands
that I was unable to join him on the First of September in shooting
of partridge birds; but H. R. H. have looked it over, Sir, he have
looked it over, and is so good enough to say as the pleasure is merely
postponed.
Everybody have been most kind, and even the keeper treats me less
supercilious than what he used to do so. He was afraid as I should
tell the Duke he had been impertinent, which I believe His Grace
still retains the right of life and death over what are called his Downy-
vassals, and could have hanged EvaN up to a tree if there had been


6


any in this part of Scotland, but, bless you, my dear fellow, there
aint so much as a gooseberry-bush; and NICHOLAS, though he may
be wittily called "an unprincipled old duffer" by periodicals whom
his genius have been the making of them, and given you the entree of
fashionable salons, yet I was never a mean old sneak nor yet a tale-
bearer, be my faults what they may-nor is it for you, Sir, who are
young enough to be my son, though you will never be half so good
looking, to launch the arrows of poisonous invective (such as "un-
principled old duffer ") against one whose grey hairs may indeed be
brought with sorrow to the grave at my period, but which they have
never turned their backs upon a friend or bottle to give him, nor left
you in the lurch as regards copy except sometimes.
However, the old man bears no malice. I forgive you, free and
hearty; and, to show as our amicability is undisturbed, have drawn
upon you for a month's salary in advance. I would scorn to take
such a liberty with a stranger.
The old man will now proceed to exercise his vaticinatory powers,
and being now in the exact district where the famous Second-Sight"
is cultivated, will do so in the orthodox manner, he having been
reading of OssIAN and SIR WALTER SCOTT.
THE ST. LEGER: A GAELIC FRAGMENT.
Dark are the torrents of Selma. The waters of Loch Awe are very
deep. Misty, oh Morven, are thy mountains; and the foarm-wreath
of Corrievrechan is white as the sea-bird's wing.
Darker than the torrents of Selma is the winner of the Leger. The
waters of Loch Awe are very deep; but NICHOLAS is deeper still.
Mistier than the hills of Morven are the enigmatical prophecies of
your individuous contempories; and whiter than the sea-bird's wing,


THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES.
I HAVE a friend in Eiton-place,
A very wealthy man,
The house is one I love to grace
As often as I can.
The meats are always of the best,
The wines are rich and rare;
A footman elegantly drest
Is put behind my chair.
I like the viands and the wine
(For give me leave to say
It's very seldom that I dine
In such a costly way).
But what is gold or silver plate,
And what is dainty fare,
If I must always tolerate
A man behind my chair ?
Perchance I venture on a pun,
A quip, or else a crank;
Among my auditors is one
Whose eve remains a blank.
The room, perhaps, is in a roar
And plaudits rend the air;
But no-it only seems to bore
The man behind my chair.
I talk about my Lady This,
Or else my Lady That
(I find an Honourable Miss
.Comes often very pat).
I quote the Erl of So-and-so,
Of Such-and-such a square;
But, socially, I feel below
The man behind my chair.
Upon the summit of my crown
I have a kind of patch;
A little white amidst the brown-
An opening! in the thatch.
From all my fellow-men but one
I hide my loss of hair;
But can I ever hope to shun
The man behind my chair.
Some day, should Fortune only smile
Upon my low estate,
I mean to feed in such a style
As few can emulate.
Should such a lot be ever mine,
I solemnly declare
That I will banish, when I dine,
The man behind my chair.








SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.


FU N.


whiter than the foam-wreaths of Corrievrechan are the hairs upon the
head of the old man, than whom perhaps.
Behold him on the mountain-top, or thereabouts. On his prophetic
countenance Genius and Benevolence are struggling for pre-eminence.
The fight is a draw.
He reverses his plaid, and draws it round him, shrouding his noble
head (though he have been called an unprincipled old duffer" where
least expected) in its mystical folds. His form goes into epileptical
convulsions, and he reels to and fro as if he had had too much to
drink. Perhaps he have.
Never you believe it, my dear young Friend! Not you !
Howls the wind. Scream the tall pines in horrible unison. Shout,
ye remarkable old cataracts! Hark, my subscribers, to the wild words
of the Second-Sighter:-
"The Absolute Winner of the St. Leger it will be- Lord Lyon, and
no flies!
On Knight of the Crescent and on Savernake you may equally keep
your eyes!
For the Prophet have never deceived a man, and he never was
known to trick a lass.
So, gents, put your money, and ladies, your gloves on the final
selection of NICHOLAS."
P.S. 2. Instead of calling me "an unprincipled old duffer," it
would be more courteous to tell me what you have done wifh the MS.
of my "Knurr and Spell."





BT THE SAUNTER, R IN SOCIETY.

ATHER awkward evi-
dsence is turning up on
the Election Com-
S mittees. Bribery -
open, acknowledged
n and not ashamed -
seems more prevalent
than ever just now,
and to be prevalent
most especially among
the "respectable
middle class" to whish
so many M.P.'s di-
rected our attention
Last session as the
a "bulwarks of the con-
stitution "-such bul-
warks being appa-
rently quite as expen-
sive as our "bulwarks
on the deep." If some
member who is fond of
asking for returns-
say Ma. DAaBY
G\ riFFITH-would but
move for a return of
the various prices
"taken and offered,"
as they say at TATTER-
8ALL's, for votes, we should have a blue-book as amusing as that of the
Theatrical Licences inquiry. The prices vary tremendously, be-
ginning at a new cap for the elector's wife, or a chest of drawers, and
running up-(but then the propounder of this unconscionable demand
was a parson)-to three hundred pounds and a bracelet value sixty
guineas! The subject, however, is not one to joke about. It is a
national disgrace, and a social canker, and a cure for it must be one of
the first measures to be proposed next session if the Ministry have any
wish to secure the support of public opinion.
Twi Metropolitan Working Classes' Exhibition was opened on
Saturday week, at the Agricultural Hall, and the inaugural ceremony
was as complete a success as, I trust, and believe, the Exhibition will
prove. The arrangements are excellent, and there is a marked im-
provement in the objects sent for exhibition. One of the most notice-
able features of the ceremony was the Inauguration "Ode to Labour,"
written by MRit. JOHN PLUMMER, who was originally a factory
operative, and whose life should be written as a cheering model for
the sons of toil, and a lesson for those superficial persons who sneer at
the working man. The ode is really a fine composition, well con-
ceived, and carried out with spirit and correctness. Some of the lines
are admirable-take, for example, the Chorus of Children" :-


For us our fathers led the way-
Follow, follow, let us follow
For them the morn-for us the day I
Follow!" "
Very great credit is due to all concerned in tfe management of this
Exhibition, for many of the same kind have failed for lack of the
administrative care, energy, and ability which have been brought to
bear on this and its predecessor by the committee and their honorary
secretary, Mit. WILsoN.
I HAVE received a very handsome portrait of the Lord Mayor,
beautifully engraved from a photograph by MAYALL, and printed
and published by MEss1ts. STEINHIARDT and HUNT. The likeness
is excellent, the style of engraving capital, and the picture should be
popular. It should have a place of honour on the walls of all who
admire His Worship for the sound good sense he displayed in pre-
siding at the 'Guildhall.Reform Meeting at a time of trial and
tribulation.
The Neweaste Chronicle has some astonishing revelations touching
the claim of LADY RADCOLIFFE to the Derwentwater Estates. It relates
that in 1857 the Inland Revenue Commissioners brought an action
against the lady for taxes from which she claimed exemption. In
support of her plea she forwarded to LonD PALMEUSTON, whose in-
fluence she wished to obtain, a number of valuable family documents
of vital importance to her case. Now comes the queer part of the
story-the taxes were not enforced, but the lady never recovered tho
papers; LoRn PALIEaRSTON, though at first acknowledging their receipt,
ultimately affecting ignorance of their existence. This story should
be cleared up for the sake, not only of the lady, but of the memory of
an eminent statesman.
1 :ALL have to take in the Atlheneaum again now MR. DIxoN is in
Mormondom. It was so dull and clique-y I gave it up, but Ma. D.'s
losmi teens is making the paper so amusing I tremble for FUN's
position as a comic journal. The report of the Nottingham doings
opened with some very fine writing. There was a long gush about
purple crocuses and their delicious odour and rarity.
"In spring time such of these meadows as have not been invaded by contractors
and builders are converted into a seeming luke of violet crocuses. Over the
green of the fields Flora throws a mantle of the freshest and most delicious hue.
'The consequent delight influences more senses than one. There is a charm for the
eye, and a charm for the ear in the songs of the birds* that hang enchanted above
the magic carpet; and there is another churm besides, for at every footstep made
among the flowers a sweet incense arises from the crushed petals, sweet as the air
wafted from the Spice Islands over the sea. With the young it is a period
of high festival. They plunge through the sea of petals, gathering heaps of odorous
beauty as they pass. She is queen who finds a white crocus among her violet-hued
sisters ; but all return laden with sweets to the town, joyous beneath their double
burden, and rich in the twofold fragrance of youth and of flowers."
The flower is common enough for a Cockney even to know it has no
scent! This, with a certain two pages in All the Year Round a year
ago about the song of the starling-which has no song-should find
a niche beside the celebrated chapter "Concerning the Snakes of
Iceland."

EPIGRAMS.
BY A METROPOLITAN MARTIAL.

1.-Anonymous Letters.
Tar scribbler, who behind a cloak,
Would stab you with a pointless joke,
A groundless charge or foolish lie
Is scarcely worthy a reply.
You're tempted with the pen to priek him
Because you cannot catch and kick him?
Pahaw! The poor creature, past a doubt,
Is one you need not care about,
For if a sting wouldd lend his line
The paltry sneak his name would sign.

2.-Purity.
"WHAT!" to his friend cries Yarmouth Bloater,
A free and independent voter,
"What, sell your vote-what sell, why, pounds I
What sell your vote, sir, for three pounds?
I would not have believe it-no !
Such conduct-hang it! Twas too low !"
His friend, abashed, besought him, Hush I
Pray say no more I own and blush:
But money with me was not plenty,
And I"-Cried Yarmouth bloater, "Woa!
'Twas not the conduct I thought low-
The sum I'd not take less than twenty!"

*Crows, I suppose. They are most likely to be enchanted with this partiular
flower.









FUN.


[SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.


- 7~'~ ~>NEE


C'


A FIX FOR FITZOSBORNE.
Interesting Child (who has been paddling in the sand and mud):-" PLEASE, SIR, WILL YOU LEND ME YOUR POCKETHANDKERCHIEF TO
WIPE MY FEET ?" [Fitzosborne, who prides himself on his snowy cambric, hesitates.
Interesting Child (earnestly) :-" Oir, sin; DO, sra, PLEASE! THEY'RE so MUDDY!"


FROM OUR STALL.
WITH a feeling of deep thankfulness we record the fact of The Fast
Family having disappeared from the playbill of the Adelphi. In place
of French fustian, sham satire, false sentiment, and impossible manners,
we have now one of the best dramas ever written. And, oh! MR;
BUCxSTONE, why has your pen been so long dumb ? To be sure The
Flowers of the Forest is not new, but it is the "crack" drama in the
Adelphi repertoire, and its programme should be to the Adelphi as the
rendering of the Tartu(fe to the Theatre Frangais. But, alas! this is
not so. If the depths of the forest should be shady then is the scenery
correct, for it is shady in the extreme. The gipsies, male and female,
are fair of hair and of complexion. Are steel-black wigs not pro-
curable, and cannot skins be coloured ?
We must not suppose that personal vanity causes such veterans as
Mn. PAUL BEDFORD and MIR. STUART to keep the natural whiteness of
their cheeks while MRS. MELLON'S (late Miss WOOLGAR) are tanned
like a vagrant's. Apropos, it is now about fifteen years ago since MR.
AL.FRED MELLON had the good fortune to lead Miss WOOLGAR to the
hymeneal altar-and still we see in the playbills "Mns. ALFRnED
MELLON (late Miss WOOLCAR)." If this sort of thing goes on, the
fact will be soon known to the whole world. While upon the subject
of Miss WOOLGAR (late MRS. M ELLON),-no, M RS. MELLON, late (bother
the things !)-a subject which could not be exhausted by whole
volumes of praise-let us say that we never saw MRS. MELLON, late
Miss-stop a minute-Miss WOOLGAR, late MRS. MELLON, act Lemuel
more finely than on Monday. And it is always an extraordinary per-
formance, earnest, intense, characteristic, and highly finished as a
single blade of grass in a Pre-Raphaelite picture. MR. TOOLE has
flown to the provinces to star it," so MR. SHAW appeared as Cheap
Jack. This gentleman has a large fund of dry, quaint humour, and we
predict for him a most gratifying future.
The most admirable feature of the evening was Miss FURTADO'S
appearance as Starlight Bess, which is considered by an Adelphi
audience as quite the blue ribbon" of the Adelphi. Miss FURTADO


won the dramatic Derby easily-was encored in a gipsy song-and
surprised the audience by her intensity in the famous scene under the
trees in the third act, with a burst such as Ma. THACKERAY'S London
Manager heard the Fotheringay give in Cora, when she exclaimed,
" There's blood upon his face !" MRs. BILLINGTON played Cynthia
with her accustomed vigour, fire, and effect.
We happened to be in Liverpool, the other day, when MR. T. W.
RoBERTSON'S comedy Ours was produced for the first time at the Prince
of Wales's Theatre. As the piece will be played in London on the
return of the Tottenham-street Company next week, we may state that
it is a three act comedy, simple almost to a fault in construction, but
admirably written throughout. The dialogue bristles with epigram
and repartee, and every prominent member of the company, except
Ma. MONToOMERY, is to be found in the cast. MR. CLARKE has a
magnificent part as Chalcote, a rough, surly, but nevertheless generous
and good-hearted brewer. Miss WILTON, as Mary Netley, a lively,
vivacious companion," supplies, with MA. CLARKE, the comic element
of the piece. Miss WILTON is-but we have already, in many previous
notices of Miss WILTON, drawn so largely upon England's adjectives,
that we are afraid that a further draft would be, perforce, dishonoured,
or honoured only in adjectives of an uncomplimentary description,
which wouldn't do at any price. Picture to yourself Miss WILTON as
a brisk, clever, bustling naive, pretty, jolly, pert, aggravating little
" lady-companion "-as clever as Becky Sharp, but as lady-like,
withal, as Maud Hetherington-and you will be able to supply an
accurate criticism without our help. Au rest, MR. BANCROFT as
Angus McAlister, a poor Scotch subaltern; Miss LOUISE MOORE as-
bless us, we have forgotten the name-is it Edith ? MR. HARE as a dried
up old Muscovite Prince of the first water; MaR. DEWAR as a stiff
sergeant of Infantry; MR. RAY as Col. Sir Alexander Shendryn; and
Miss LARKIN as Lady Shendryn, were, each in his or her part,
admirable, and in each case left nothing to be desired. But a special
word of praise is due to MR. HARE, whose make-up as Prince Perovsky
is simply marvellous. The part is insignificant, but in this excellent
actor's hands it stands out as boldly as the most important character.


- rl-


IN







F'U NT .-SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.


ELECTORAL PURITY,
Indignant Voter to Political Agent:-" OFFER ME FIVE POUNDS FOR MY VOTE I BLUSII FOR YOU SIR! I NEVER
SOLD MY VOTE, NEVER IN ALL MY LIFE, NEVER, SIR--FOR LESS THAN THREE TIMES THAT AMOUNT !"









SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.1


FUN.


MRS. BROWN AND THE STREET BOYS.
I Dno'T think as ever I did believe in suc'i impidence, and never
would if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, let alone my ears a-bearin'
them out. For as to me a-touchin' one of them young rascals I'd as
soon think of disturbing' a hadder or interforin' with a elephant, for
I'm sure the way as them boys rushed at me elephants wasn't nothing
to it, as would have their keepers, and not be let to go on like that
all over the pathway as there was no getting' by.
I wouldn't have minded so much for myself, but felt for poor MTss
TIvPTrs and her ma, as has seen better days, and come in to tea
friendly, a-lookin' that respectable, as only proves what can be done
where there's a will: for I'm sure their collars was got up beautiful,
though a little out of fashion, "as don't matter at your time of life,"
as I says to MIAs TIPPETS in a friendly way, but she didn't seem
half pleased.
They'd been to the Chrystial Pallis, and see that partyas dances on
nothing in the name of ErmARDO, as must be French, but wonderful
for to be able to walk up his spinal column ou a round globe, as I
considers presumption in any one, and wouldn't try it myself was it
ever so. Mas. TIPPETS told me she was half frightened to death, and
pinched her daughter black and blue through expecting' as he'd fall
every instant; hut Miss TIPPETS says, "As he's as safe as the bank,"
as the sayin' is, which don't mean much nowada, 4 after what 'as
happenedd to ''nm.
Well, they said they 'ad a lovely day, and called in on me in the
way 'ome through a-comin' on the high level, as is just over our
heads. We took our tea friendly, and then a-tellin' me all about
that ETniano, as I must see some day for myself, 'cos I can't hardly
believe as he's a human boin' up to what they says as he is. I
couldn't get 'em to stop to supper through havin' had hamn and eggs
with their tea, as they seemed to relish, and in my opinion lives on
the smell of a match at 'ome, and Alas..TIPPETs that deaf as it's one
constant hollar from the time she comes into the place till she's gone
agin. That black satin of hers as certainly wore wonderful, through
a-wearin' it the day as I was married, and nut bought first hand then,
but belonged to a alderman's widder.
I see as MRas. TIPPETS was all of a fidget to be a-gettin' 'ome, as is
now well on in years. So I said as I'd walk with them as far as
Kennington-road, where they'd get the 'bus straight for Islington.
A lovely evening' it were, and we walked on slow a-talkin' about all
manner, when we come sudden on two boys as was fighting and
parties a-standin' round a-encouragin' 'em in it. So I puts my
umbreller atween 'em just as one boy was a-goin' to give the other a
blow as might 'ave maimed 'im for life. A fellow as was a-standin'
looking' on says, Leave the boys alone, you old fool, and let 'em 'ave
it out, as will let off their bad blood."
I says, "Who are you a-callin' a fool, you hulkin' wagabone, and
as to their bad blood being' let off, I'm sure that boy's nose is lettin'
it off like a waterspout." "Move on, can't yer ?" says a big boy;
"what business is it of yourn ? "
I says, I'll let you know about that, for I'll get'a policeman," and
I crosses the road pretty sharp, a-leavin' MiRs. TiPPETS with her
daughter, to the police station, as is just round the corner, and
gets one to come for to stop it, and stood a-pintin' where they was
fightia' with my umhreller. A boy he runs like mad a-hollarin' to
them as the police was comin', and they no sooner heard it than they
was off like lamplighters.
I soon came up agin with MRas. TIPPETS, who wai that weight on
my arm as I nearly give way under, as her daughter give up to me,
for she's got a naty 'abit of pinchin' unawares, as is hurtful to the
feelings.
Well, we walked on slow through the busses bein' full, and had
got very nigh the Elephant and Castle, and I'd forgot all about them
boys, when all of a sudden down a court come a troop of them
a-rushin' agin us, and sent ANNA MARIA TIPPEirs a-flyin' into the
road like a rocket, and she rolled over and over like the dust before
the wind, as the sayin' is.
I puts poor Mis. TIPPETS agin a doorway, and run for to help ANNA
MAniA up, when if them boys didn't rush at me as I was a-stoopin'
and bonnet me. One on 'em jumped on my back and spurred me
wiolent with his 'eels 'as 'ad iron tips on till I roared agin, and I've
got the marks on me now. I shook the young wagabone off and
struck out with my umbreller that wiolent as it flowed out of my
hand and went slap through apane of glass in a grocer's winder. To
hear them boys shout derisive was downright terrifyin', and they
begun a-dancin' round poor MAts. TIPPETS, as in her terrors had gone
and set down on a doorstep.
Well, as soon as I'd helpedd ANNA MARIA up, and was a-askin' her
'ow she felt, out come that whipper-snapper of a grocer and ketches
'old of me. What do you mean by throwing' your umbretler through
my winder ? says he.
"I didn't go to do it," I says, "it's all them boys' doings." "Go
along with your falsehoods," he says; "I see you fling it, as is as


heavy as a bedpost, and has spoilt a lot of goods, let alone the broken
glass."
Well, all this time there was them young urchins a-teasin' poor
Mas. TIPPETS and a-worretin' ANNA MARIA, as was dreadful bedaubed.
I didn't know what to do, for I hadn't got no money but eighteen-
pence with me, as I'd put in my glove for to pay Mus. TIPPETS' 'bus,
'cos I know'd as every penny were a object to, and had been treated
to the Chrystial Pallis, though I must say foolishness at their time
of life.
Well, that grocer he wanted five shillings, as I said he must send
for, a-givin' my address, and up I gets Mus. TIPPETS, as was 'eavy to
get on her feet, and walks on. But, bless you, them boys walked
afore us and behind us and in the road a-shoutin' and hollarin' at us
quite like a mob, and the police no more use than nothing, for they
cuts away when they sees one a-comin', and seems to come together
agin when he's gone, and as to some of the police, why they en-
courages them in their impidence, fur when I wanted for to give 'emr
in charge, the one as I spoke to only smiled contemshous,-and walked
.on a-sayin', "They was only a parcel of boys as I didn't ought to
mind." Nor more I shouldn't if they hadn't tore out my gownd at
the gethers and bonneted MiAs. TIPPETS shameful, and as to ANNA
MARIA I think as she'll limp to her dyin' day through bein' a martyr
to corns, as only them knows the agony on as comes to have them
trampled on furious with nails and tips, and all for what ? just because
I wouldn't stand by and see them boys a-fightin' like dogs as delights
as is their nature to.
I was thankful when I see them poor dears safe in the 'bus, and
was glad to get one myself as put me down close at home, for I was
afraid that them boys would be a-waitin' for me.
You'll never ketch me a-interferin' agin, for I'm sure the boy as
was the most wiolent agin me was the werry one as I went in for to
save his 'ead bein' punched ; but law, you can't expect grateful 'arts
in this world, for if that Miss TIPPETs didn't write me such a letter
a-returnin' the eighteenpence as I'd squoze into the old lady's 'and
at partin', a-sayin' as they wasn't paupers yet, and a-hopin' as the
next time as I fell out with any one in the streets I'd choose a time
as they wasn't a-walkin' with me, 'cos they considered it low-lived
conduct.
Of all the stuck-up rubbish as ever I read, and I shouldn't 'ave
minded it so much if that grocer hadn't took and summonsed me for
the winder, and the magistracy talked to me as if I'd been the lowest
of the low, a-sayin' it was disgraceful for a woman of my time of
life to put herself in such a position to go a-larkin' about with boys. I
was that wild when I heard him talk like that, that I ups and says,
I tell you what it is, if your police don't look better arter thorn
boys, there'll be murder for certain, as it's well as a 'bus wasn't
passing' when Miss TiPPETs was pitched over, or she'd never 'ave
spoke agin."
Law bless you, that magistracy he was wuss than the boys a-takin'
their part; and the policeman for to say as I was well-known down
the road, and always a-interferin' with somebody. I should like to
interfere with them as ain't no sort of use; not but what I've know'd
'em particular civil, as is no doubt good and bad like everything else.
I am told I was lucky not to have been out Sunday, for them boys
of a Sunday evening's a downright scourge, as of course would be
thought sinful a-playin' a good game of rounders, and is let to idle
all about the place, and gets into mischief naturally, as any one
would as is idle. I'm sure the crowds of 'em as there is quite baffles
you a-gettin' along, and that cheeky as speak you dare not.
BaowN's right, as says they did ought to have places for to play in,
and then wouldn't be all about the streets where they makes each
other wuss, and is that distraction' as I dreads to put my foot over the
door, and it'll be a long day afore I ventures up by the Elephant and
Castle agin, as no doubt is layin' in wait for me, as the sayin' is.



I CANNOT SING THE NEW SONGS.
(NOT Written for Music.)
I CANNOT sing the new songs,
They are such wretched stuff;
Of coarseness and inanity
I've had my quantum muf.
Why must I long when singing
For changes-in a word,
Desire to be a daisy,
Or wish to be a bird ?
I cannot sing the comic songs,
They make me sick and sad-
But the ballads of the drawing-room
Are twenty times as bad!


11


.








J1 FUN.


[SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.


THE GUIDE TO THE METROPOLITAN RAILWAY.
[As statistics prove that the whole population of England travels
over the Metropolitan Railway about once a week, and everybody may
therefore be assumed to know all about it, FUN considerately publishes
this guide for the information of the public, because he is aware that
what people like is to be told something they know already.]
IT is hardly necessary to enter minutely into the early history of a
line which, to judge from its traffic returns, is, literally, one of the
greatest under-takings in London. As soon as the scheme of an
underground railway was started it was taken up. But ere the roads
beneath which it was to run could be taken up too, the members of the
company had to stand for the burrow as much as if it had been
Yarmouth or Totnes. Having overcome the formidable opposition of
Interest allied to Folly, the promoters of the line had to overcome the
engineering difficulties of the scheme. To say nothing of an amount
of tunnelling-a bore to which the Thames tunnel was a mere fleabite
-there were water-pipes and gas-pipes to be avoided as carefully as
their respective rates are by the wary householder; and there were
huge sewers to be diverted and such diversion is not child's
play. However, even these odorous currents were got over by the
engineer-in-9hief, being made to run in FOWLER (but infinitely


sweeter) receptacles. The working-men, who had been, as some p.:.1 iti-
cians fancy they always are, undermining the metropolis, achieved
their task at last. In a word, one
day-to the terror cf the oldest
inhabitant of the neighboring
drains-the trains began to run,
and have been running ever since.
Despite the prognostications of the
croakers, the public have taken to
the mode of travelling, and even
timid and elderly females feel quite
at home in its tunnels, while
children of the most timorous dis-
positions are not alarmed at its
engines which are all "bogueys."
The traffic on the line may be divided into two sections-Business
and Pleasure. Business, as a rule, goes Eastward, with the sun, to its
office in the City. Pleasure, as it flows, runs Westward, like civili-
zation, to the various sights of London in the immediate neighbourhood
of the line-to the delirious dissipation of the British Museum, the
statuesque repose of MADAME TUSSAUD'S, or the instructive walks of
botany and zoology in the Regent's Park.











FUN'.


The Metropolitan Railway commences at Moorgate-street. The
station here is merely a temporary one at present, but its deficiency in
architectural' beauty is atoned for by the presence of SPIEus and
PonD's refreshment rooms, for the flavour of their good things would
satisfy the taste of a PUOIN. The Moorgate-street Station is the
nearest point to several noted spots, which the traveller will visit with
interest. The Royal Exchange, Guildhall, the Money Market, and
the Mansion-house are within a stone's throw, more or less. Cannon-
street is within range, and the aristocratic suburb of Whitechapel is
in easy reach.
Aldersgate Station brings the traveller near two famous sights, the
Post Office and the Pump. The former is always to be met with in
St. Martin's-le-Grand, the latter goes off duty for three hours in the
middle of the day. Smithfield is in the immediate vicinity of the
station, and the humane visitor can satisfy himself of the marked im-
provement in the behaviour of the drovers-it being entirely improved
out of the locality. The curious can here, if they wish it, get run over
by a cab, and will be gratefully received, with any other small contri-
butions, at St. Bartholemew's Hospital.
Farringdon Station is the handsomest on the line, as it ought to be,
being the nearest approach to the FUN Office. By special arrange-
ment of the railway company, passengers desirous of visiting 80,
Fleet-street, will be conveyed from any station along the line to
Farringdon-street on mentioning their destination and payment of
their fare. From Farringdon you may also visit the Temple and
inspect GOLDSMITH's tomb, which the Benchers (although lawyers) do
not charge for exhibiting. Newgate is also within easy reach of this
station, but there are many other ways of getting there-we have
heard of a gentleman whp got there through a hole in a shutter. The
Court of Chancery may also be visited from this station, but the
traveller will do well to make his stay there (as also at Newgate) as
short as possible-or as the law will allow.
King's Cross is another handsome station. The Agricultural Hall
may be visited from it, and the traveller who delights in landscape
may survey the fascinating slope of Pentonville-hill, the rustic simpli-
city of Barnsbury, and the fashionable regions of Islington. Here
the traveller may transfer himself to the Great Northern line if he
wishes.
The Gower-street station brings us near the British Museum and the
Prince of Wales's Theatre. At the former the frivolous and gay may
join in the thoughtless whirl of pleasure with the mummies and the
Elgin marbles. At the latter, the philosopher and sage may note (in
a few days) the rapid progress of Hours." The visitor to this station
may occasionally see Russell square in this neighbourhood, but not
often, as we understand the noble lord has abandoned the art of self-
defence during the recess. This station is close to that of the North
Western Railway at Euston-square.
From Portland-road Station we can easily pay a visit to the Regent's
Park and its gardens, to see the horticultural beauties of the Zoological
and view the lions at the Botanical. A refreshment station has been
considerately opened in the neighbourhood of the station, where the
traveller can provide himself with a supply of nuts for the monkeys,
and buns for the bears. The arrangements for supplying fat infants
for the tigers are not yet completed.
Baker-street Station brings us into proximity with MADAME
TuSSAnD'S and LORD's Cricket Ground. On the occasion of the annual
match between eleven one-armed pensioners and twenty-two of the
effigies, including the Chamber of Horrors, the Metropolitan conveys
passengers to this station free. t -.-.
The Edgware-road Station is the handiest to Hyde Park, the Marble
Arch (now known as the MAYNE Entrance) being the nearest point to
the station. From Edgware-road the rail runs to Bishop's-road, which
is the last of the Metropolitan stations, landing us in the fashionable
quarter of Westbournia. Here the Great Western takes up the
traffic, and hence the fashionable tourist can journey to Westbourne
Park, Notting Hill, Kensington, Shepherd's Bush, and Hammer-
smith.
The Metropolitan has many peculiar features which other lines
would do well to copy. Its carriages are lit with gas instead of dim
and smelly oil-lamps, and the result is that one scarcely notices when


one is going through the tunnels, of the interior of one of which we
give a view. Our readers will recognize the exact locality. The


13


system of signals is so perfect that it is impossible for the signal-man,
even wilfully, to give conflicting signals, or signals at variance with
the position of the points. This,
in fact, means perfect safety in -
the directing of the running of the
trains.
Another admirable feature of
this line is the running of Work- "-
men's trains-or rather the issue of
cheap tickets, which enable -work-
men to live in cheap and whole-
some suburbs, and yet journey to
their work and back, with their
tools, without a weary walk, and
for an almost nominal sum. The
numbers that avail themselves of
this privilege prove that the con-
cession is a great boon to the in- ,
dustrial classes. The early trains
are almost entirely occupied by .
workmen on their way to labour. A
As this takes place at five in the
morning, and many, therefore, of
our readers will have no oppor-
tunity of judging for themselves,
we give them an illustration, which \,
is a short cut to information. "


TOUJOURS TROMPEUSE.
An lady if the gleaming eyes
That smile upon me now were true,
It would be such a sweet surprise
To think that I was loved by you!
If all the shining braids of hair
That-happy curls-your neck caress
Were all your own, they would be fair
Beyond what verses can express.
And were the colour on your cheek-
The rose-hue that from shops you get-
All nature, wouldd be far to seek
On any painter's pallet yet.
And were~the gentle words you say
Love-fraught, as true as love may be,
Too short would be the summer day
To hear them, when addressed to me.
Yet eyes, and cheeks, and hair are false,
And words are falser far than all;
You know you promised me that valso
And then deceived me at the ball.


nsbo s tof iTrrespobnts.

E. R. S.-Your Ode by a Lawyer" reads as if it had been written in
vacation.
D. H., Glasgow.-The contributions did not suffer from plethora, but
from decline.
BAKER-STREET.-Your r le is not that of a wit.
J. S., Liverpool.-The scrap-books would be of no use to us.
RossALLIENSI has a couple of small bills at school," and sends us some
riddles in order to raise the money to pay them. He had better pause in.
his headlong career ere it is too late, or he may become a comic writer !
C.-Your swell doesn't suit us.
A. M. H., Edinburgh.-Your lines on a "Rainy Day in Town," though
wet enough, won't (w)ring properly.
X. S. should have signed S. X., for his joke is flat enough for that
county.
V. W., Islington.-The obvious suggestion has been forestalled by
another.
M. S. S.-What a pity the "Ditty of a Clerk in the City" was not much
more witty!
EMMA SIMPLE.-We are too gentle to take in the simple, so the MS.
must be declined.
Declined with thanks-C., Gray's-inn; R. E. P., Portsca; A. Zoar;
G. D.; E. S., Cross-street; J. RI. C., Auckland-road; R. II., Glasgow;
F. F., Dalston; E. MI., Whitby; D. 0. M ., Soho; W. H. G., Guildford;
J. W. D., Weymouth; R. I. P.; Traveller; R. H., Finchley; H. C. E.;
E. C. V., Knutsford; T. M., Great Grimsby; B. A., Regent's-park;
C. E. P.; Nick; Ch. Ch.; A. M. Z.; II. N., Kew; K. T. B., Honor
Oak; J. F.; J. G., Cork; W. B. T.; J. G. A.; Jemima, Catford-bridge;
A. J. S., Northampton; 0. P. Q.; H. B., Nottingham; iFather Neptune;
H. Y.; F. F., Dalston; J. E.; J. L., Kensington; Toby; Veritas.


SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.]









14 T [SEPTEMBER 15, 1866.



......- EXPERIENTIA DOCET.
S--- _--I'VE heard of woman's love, you know,
And read of man's devotion;
The married life of So-and-so
S-I .s queerish, I've a notion.
-I never kept a knife with blades,
Or steady in a cutter;
I quite deny that marmalade's
A substitute for butter.
S" ...Two hundred pounds a year, they say,
Will keep a modest mansion.
I boast as much, and yet my pay
Most sadly needs expansion.
Some girls are rich as rich can be-
_-- I never met with any-
S-" And those I've loved most tenderly
-- T e Have never had a penny.

S.And KEMBLE'S froth and fury,
S- And yet we laugh at five-act plays,
And hate the cast of Drury.
We snub in this enlightened age
The good old school of spouting,
And actors triumph on the stage
e eBy other gifts than shouting.
If taste for music has improved-
Not any change I've noted-
SiPray why are such impostors loved,
Such dreary rubbish quoted?
A higher standard? Not abit.
-7 -Of what I know I'm speaking:
They worship MR. VANcE's wit,
And Miss CARLoTTA's shrieking.

-. Paullatim.
Mn. and MTs. HOWARD PAUL gave a farewell enter-
S. tainment at the Crystal Paul-ace on Saturday, previous
to their departure for America. Brother Sam is to be
A FACT FROM NORTH LANCASHIRE. congratulated on the acquisition of PAULS that don't
Traveller :-" I sAY, I WANT TO GO TO CHORLEY-wHICH IS MY WAY '9 pall; but we understand they intend to return to
Communicative Native (pointing) :-" YoN England at some future-paulo-post future period. If we
Traveller :-" WHERE DOES THE OTHER ROAD GO a did not think so their departure would be too appalling.
C. N. :-"Do Y'NO GOOD IF I TELL T'? WANTS TO GO TO CHORLEY,
oON'T T' ? WELL, TON'S YEF ROAD-GO ON! A TAx No ONE LIKEs.-Attacks on one's purse.


FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT AT SEA. GROSSMITH; the third was another poster-confound the posters !-
that said that Miss KATHERINE HICKSON was the directress of the
THE GERMAN OCEAN, TUESDAY, 8 BELLS. Theatre Royal, and that the Ticket-of-Leave Man would be performed
ANY little eccentricities of grammatical construction or trifling that evening, and that SHAKESPEARE'S Merchant of Venice would be
inaccuracies in orthography which may be observable in this paper given on the following night, MR. H. J. BynoN's burlesque of La
will I trust be looked over by an indulgent public in consideration of Sonnanbula being the concluding rapture. We went to the theatre
the extreme difficulty of writing in a cabin at sea, when the wind is -that is, APrrpnLx the Captain of the Turquoise, and some
from the norrard and the penman is a landsman. Since my last letter friends and saw a very good performance and two strikingly
-no, my first letter-that is, my first last and last first communica- pretty faces. I will not mention the names of the owners of
tion-I have been in my cabin, with the exception of two days passed those pretty faces, lest it should be thought that I fell "spoons"
in Scarborough, when it rained incessantly; and as a description of in Scarborough. I met them the next day in Oliver's Mount ;
life on one's back, in one's cabin, unrelieved by the hours of breakfast perhaps they will remember a dark-haired young man with a sweet
or dinner, might, after a page or two, become monotonous, I elect to smile, and a camellia in his hat, double-breasted. The next
endeavour to say a few words about Scarborough, which, as you sight I saw in Scarborough was about a thousand "Trippers,"
know, is a delightful watering-place upon the coast of Yorkshire. i.e., excursionists from the interior of the country, with mighty
Well, then, you see, Scarborough when I was there was not exactly mouths and still mightier dialects. Then the rain came down, and
fashionable-it was too early in the season. Of course the visitors APPLEKING, who knew Scarborough, and is a good judge of wines,
were very nice sort of people, and quite as good as anybody else, and spirituous liquors, and tobacco, was endowed with reason, and pro-
very tolerably dressed and civil and all that; but they had dialects- posed that we should get out of the wet and go to the "Assembly
large dialects-dialects that must have affected their teeth and corru- Rooms." In nautical parlance we "made it so," and I found the
gated the roofs of their months. I take it the men were of the manu- "Assembly Rooms the best "Bar" I ever visited in England. The
factoring persuasion; there was an intelligence about their eyes, a drinks were the sort of drinks uncorked in private houses, and not in,
breadth about their foreheads, and a coarseness about their jaws that taverns. I recommend the brandy there confidently. The "gregs"
looked like iron, cotton, treddle, gas-pipe, and all that. The girls imbibed at the "Assembly Rooms" are the more palatable for the
were pretty, though here and there painfully like their fathers and gracious presence of the most buxom of hostesses and of two daughters,
brothers; and as they walked upon the Spa with their creamy com- one fair, the other dark, "than whom "- (Please to pardon
plexions, wide hats, long lemon-coloured hair, and fluttering skirts, raptures in consideration of extreme provocation.)
they looked "all to rights," as I heard a gentleman observe who was Your correspondent was most hospitably entertained in Scarborough.
smoking the worst cigar I ever walked to windward of. APPLEKING-who is a very good fellow, although a trifle toe fond of
The first sight that met my eyes in Scarborough was the huge poster personal combat---accompanied me to the house of the most hospitable
promising the presence of MR. and MRs. HOWARD PAUL, without of ladies, where the dinner was perfect and the macaroni, au gratin,
which no watering-place can be considered complete; the second was a thing that might inspire the muse of a TENNiSON, but which is
sight was another poster announcing the arrival of MR. GEORGE quite beyond the grasp of Yours, G USHER.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAXIER
at 60, Fleet-street,E.C.-Saniturday, September 15 1856.









SEPTEMBER 22, 1866.] ]


FUN.


15


2 x~ ___


-


- ~-&L4~ ~


_>-


CUTTING, BUT RUDE.
.Master Bobby :-" I SAY, Gus, WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS SUCK THE KNOBS OF THEIR PARASOLS ?
Gus :-"I SUPPOSE THEY WANT TO CUT THEIR WISDOM TEETH!" [Gus, of course, thinks hf has cut his.


THE ART OF "GUSHING."
OuR young and promising poets are all too enthusiastic about things
in general, ayd themselves in particular. They seem to know nothing
about moderate pleasure, or limited pain; and it never occurs to them
that mankind is not good enough to be made intensely happy, nor bad
enough to be made intensely miserable. The privilege of breathing
drives them into ineffable raptures, and a touch of neuralgia sets their
poor little brains throbbing with insufferable agony. They cannot
mean all that they say; gushing is an art, and has its mechanism
like all other arts. It must be as easy as lying, after a bit of practice.
The first necessity is a nervous-bilious temperament, which is a
temperament that will not allow people to be pleased without being
very pleased, or depressed without being very depressed. The second
is a tolerable command of language and metre. We have them both,
so here goes for two examples of the "gushing" style, which shall
represent the opposite poles of feeling:-
No. 1.-THE HAPPY GUSHER.
WHAT have I done to deserve the bliss
Of leading a life in a world like this-
A world brimful of the deep delights
Of days that are sunny and starry nights ?
The airs around and the airs above
Breathe only a spirit of Life and Love;
A spirit that visits the aching sense
With a rapture ineffable-wild-intense.
Men that reason, and beasts that crawl,
Birds and fishes, I love them all.
And the dwellers in air, in earth and sea,
In their turn are excessively fond of me !


No. 2.-THE MISERABLE GUSHER.
THIS evening I have had my part
In meditations full of pain;
In feelings that benumb the heart,
And thoughts that paralyze the brain.
A weary waste, an aching void,
Are all that I can call my own;
A settled sadness, unalloyed
With any touch of lighter tone.
'Tis hard that, in a world like this,
A master of the poet-spell
Should never, never know the bliss
Of being tolerably well.
'Tis hard an intellect so bright
Should suffer, more than he can say,
With tooth-ache all the starry night,
And head-ache all the sunny day.

Not the Cheese.
A RUDE young man of our acquaintance, on seeing a highly-rouged
damsel of seven-and-thirty, asked her what was the difference between
" old bloom and blue mould P

A DIFFICULT QUESTION.
WHY was the attempt of SIR RICHARD MAYNE to keep the people
out of the park like a very good riddle ? Because he was obliged to
give it up.
SPrORTING.
To win a sculling match, a man must of course be a-head.


VOL. IV. n









16 F IJ N [SEPTEMBER 22, 1866.


LAUGHING LOO.
LArUGHING Loo! with the locks of gold,
Dangerous eyes are always blue,
Envious sisters, I've been told
Talking you over, call you bold ;
Never you mind them, Laughing Loo.
Women with soft seductive ways,
Look one tenderly through and through,
Sick of love in a couple of days.
What of such hearts ? The philosopher says,.
Not worth mentioning, Laughing Loo.
Why should we care that you speak your mind,,
Giving a cynical thrust or two P
Man is a mirror, and you're not blind,
And ten to one he will always find
You're honest as daylight, Laughing Loo.
Scarborough weeping lets you go,
Brighton beckons her hand to you,
London in autumn is so slow,
Can't you return ? Now don't say no,
Come and enliven us, Laughing Loo.
I have been out and home once more,
Since you waved me a last adieu;
Now FIm savage, and life's a bore,
Would it were all that it was before.
You are the difference, Laughing Loo !




BT THE SAUNTERED IN. 8001o 3%..


ST is quite the thing now-a-
days to start Hospitals and,
Homes, so I don't see why
I should not try my hand.
I shall be happy to receive
the contributions of the
charitable towards the es-
n tablishment of an Asylum
for Crowned Heads thrown
out of Occupation," There
\\are lots of German ex-
potentates to be provided
-nfor, including the astute
monarch who does not in-
tend to Han(d)over the na-
tional securities if he can
F avoid it. Then there's the
Emperor of Mexico, who
will have to "vamose"
from the neighbourhood of
the Andes particularly
SJoNsoN. (Of course I
don't mean that the Andes
are in Mexico, but if you
Peru-se the papers you'll
understand that Max's
capital will shortly be Quit-o). I shall publish lists of the subscrip-
tions I receive -of course my readers will see at once they could
hardly offer their miserable majesties anything less than a crown.
SURanY philosopher THOMAs CARLYLE has written some sound sense
and ringing English in defence of GOVERNOR EYRE. It would cost
Exeter Hall some trouble to demolish his letter-but luckily for E. II.
it is not called on to do so, for its supporters are beneath reason, and
don't listen to logic-stop a moment, though! The howls of some of
the organs of the Anti-Eyrian heresy have roused the latent English
fairness in some of their own party: there was a letter of rebuke from
one in the Freeman the other day, which contained some home truths.
THE magazines for the month come in for review a little late this
month, for my column has been taken up by other topics. Cornhill is
worth having for SANDYS' "Cleopatra," a fine picture finely engraved;
but SWINBURNE'S lines to it are weak. WALKER 1is not to the fore this
month, being represented by a small initial only. The Argosy con-
tains a splendid "London Poem," by BUCHANAN. It is a pity that
ALEXANDER SMITH'S over-eulogistic notice of SIDNEY DOBELL was
admitted. Temple Bar is a good number; but London Society is not
up to its average.


AFTER all the abuse that has been lavished on the Admiralty, it
appears we have a fleet-not a very large one, perhaps, but still a fleet,
so that if any nation determined to invade us to-morrow we could send
out a few men of war-in ballast. We have no guns to put on board
them, but they could be ballasted down to the water-line, and would
look very nice!
THE Venetian correspondent of the Telegraph seems to have become
so naturalized that he has forgotten some of our English rules. He
invites the British tourist to come and visit the Queen of the Adriatic
for the benefit of her starving people, and by way of persuasion
suggests that we should leave the partridges and pheasants alone fbr
one September We should almost as soon think of shooting a fox, or
eating Christmas plum-pudding on Guy Fawkes' day as of shooting a
pheasant in September.
I AM glad to see MESSRS. GRAVES and Son are so active in hunting
down piratical photographers. It is a pity they don't extend their
operations and punish a few of the patrons of such scamps. If gen-
tlemen have not sufficient honour and& honesty to refrain from
purchasing stolen goods, their dormant senses should. be roused by
touching their self-regard. As for people who talk about the art-
education which is cheaply furnished to the poorer classes in this
way, they are hardly worth talking to.. What would they say to a
man who stole their watch in order to encourage a taste for mechanics
by exhibiting its works to -his friends at so much a head.? I should
recommend MESSRS. GRA.Bs: to have an. eye on oun Government
Offices, which I believe are infested! e ndors of unauthorized photo-
graphs, who thus not only rob thte arintaeller but the. public-by
wasting the time of the industrious olbrkt.
A MAGAZINE entitled TShe S hrban,, andi published for the; special
edification of Putney, Richmond, Kew,. andi Clapham, has just reached'
me. There is nothing particularly striking abieuit except the wrapper,,
of which the effeiot is more startling thas, pIlasings tha.e: been
making a, vigorous attempt to find- out the, wit of a." burlesque per-
formed on the maw RastwEsa,d&eschibedl (the quotation is a sample of
the whole) as
"Showing the inexplicabl- azdj trifled adwrenitue o a Qmsnt (A) A HMilton.
oyster, a Barbel, and other queer fih, being an un-FrlatM bdalb ot a- Tank, after
the manner of Thomson's Seanble aid, to, Danial's profits. au .Eliott and
Barclay's entire.
By permission of Amphitrite-And-'er-son Jamaes anrpnglishmen d.moare!"
Even MEssRs. BEST and Bnn mnLnAax must confesB themselves beaten
by this! Parochial literature is on the increase,, and every locality is
starting its organ; but with the exception of the Hornsey Hornet and
the Norwood Post, which are both excellent in their respective lines,
there are none of any special merit.
ALLOW me to call MR. GATHORNE HARDY'S attention to the Hereford
county paper, which contains a report of a scene that occurred at a
meeting of guardians at a place about twenty miles from Hereford.
The doctor was hauled over the coals for ordering two distinctive
lots of mutton for one and the same pauper in one week," and for
allowing five bottles of wine to be consumed in the same period. The
report is too comic not to be accurate, and will give any one who does
not know much about guardians' meetings-and to judge from the
line he takes Mn. HARDY does not-a considerable insight into the
practices of gentlemen, who give their time gratis for nothing," and
think it their duty to speak when the rates are at three-halfpence
in the pound!"

In Case he be Knighted.
MR. BAxER having been made a K.O.B. should retire from active
life, and rest on his laurels if he values his health. It is knight-work
that shortens the lives of so many bakers.

Posthumous Patronage.
THE Walworth Amateur Horticultural Society advertised that it
would hold its annual show "under the patronage of the late
VISCOUNT PALMERSTON and the late SIR JOSEPH PAXTON." The exhi-
bition must have been animated by great public spirits !

Atmospheric Note.
MR. GLAISnER'S theory about a cerulean vapour being the cause of
cholera must be very startling to dwellers in London, where, in con-
sequence of frequent fogs, the sky is very often a blue missed."

Watts, the Reason?
WHY do "birds in their little nests agree "?
Because they'd fall out if they didn't.

DESCENT ON THE FEMALE SIDE.
THE EMPEROR or AITSTRIA, to judge from recent events, must belong
to the House of Mis-Hapsburg.







SEPTENmEB 22, 1866.] F U11N 17


FROM OUR STALL.
Miss M. OLIVER (what does the M. stand for? Mellifluous, or
Mellow-toned, or Musical, or Marriageable, or Maddening, or Mary,
or what else ?) has opened the doors of the New Royalty Theatre with
new decorations, a new company, and a new hualesque. The Lady of
the Lake, Plaid in a New Tartan, is a fair specimen of that class of
entertainments where the author is enjoined by the manager to observe
three things :-Firstly, to let the male parts hbe played by girls, and
the female parts by men; secondly, to be liberal as regards hose and
clothes ; thirdly, to let his dramatic persona dance wherever there is
an opportunity and wherever there is not. Ma. STMPBENS played" The
Bard," and from the lines he spoke wepereBiwethat Mn. BREEc pays
attention to his FurN, and has the good taste to "annex the marked
eculiarities of style of our veteran contributor NICHOLAS, than whom
am sure none more humorous though aSlittle unprincipled.*
The T. P. COOKE Prize National and Natictal-Drama of True to the
Core is a success, and, what is better, a very excellent and spirit-
stirring piece. The scene on the Eddystone eRok is admirably con-
ceived and capitally executed. The last act willbear compression-
indeed, the first scene, the ramparts of old Plymouth Castle, should be
omitted altogether. It seems 'to .have been written for the sole pur-
pose of letting one Wallet, a pedlar, struggle with six, eight, or ten
men-at-arms. Audiences will not applaud struggles nowadays. They
should be put aside with the basket-hilted combat-swords, and ether
vain delights of our grandfathers. The dance of the gitanos on the
main-deck of the Spanish man-of-war is a terrible mistake. Ittanrests
the action of thedrama, and the ballet itself .is not good. 'Conceive
a Spanish admiral, feeling that he wants amusement and excitement-
he is only on the eve of invading England, nothing more--ordering
up a troop of dancing gipsies! Overboard with the absurdity imme-
diately! Sink it deep into the cellar, and pile the properties of the
last year's pantomime but one uponit. Miss 'EORGIANA PAUNEPFORT
plays the best part in the-drama, a gipsy girl, called Marah or Flash
o' Pire, with singular intensity and power; and Ma. ALParD NELsoN
makes a bold, bluff, jovial, and aggressive Howard of Effingham,
Lord High Admiral of England. MESSRS. 'CAEWIox and SnmnP nD,
HENRY MARSTON and EDGAR, and Miss KATE SAVILLE are also to be
mentioned for their respective performances. We wouldendeeuour
to do justice to the beautiful scenery and to the mechanical effectseand
characteristic costumes that have been provided with so much 'liberality
and accuracy, but really we cannot. They are things to be seen. We
must, however, congratulate MR. SLOUS, the author, upon his highly
skilful treatment of a most difficult subject. Some people consider it odd
that mighty MASTER WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE did not immortalise the
Armada." Doubtless he foresaw that SHERIDAN would write The
Oritic. We should advise everybody to see True to the Core who
wishes to witness a thoroughly good national and rational drama.

A Point of Half-and-Half.
AT the Loan Exhibition, Southampton, a real mermaid is exhibited,
described as "tManatus mythicus." A slight alteration in the title
would correctly describe this curiosity. Not "Manatus mythicus," but
Manufactus mythicus," in English not mermaid but hand-maid,
probably Javanese hand-made, and very well made too, considering.

R That's it!
By general consent it has been determined, in future, to describe
the Jamaica negro as a man and a bother," instead of a man and a
brother."
Hints for Gardeners.
A sumMER-Houss is a pleasant object in a garden, but its roof should
be raised on posts and not cater-pillars.
The vegetable marrow is not as suited for the manufacture of pomade
as animal marrow.
Vines will grow admirably on a railway embankment because they
are sure to be well trained.
Peas are like pigs, for you must stick 'em before you can hope to
eat 'em.

CABLE-ISTIC CON.
WHEN was the Great Eastern, while grappling for the cable of '65,
like a schoolboy betting a farthing cake ? When she secured the first
bight!

CooL.-When does a man treat his friend most like water ? When
he bails him out.

As a matter of honesty to the old man, we must mention that this paragraph
had gone to press before we received his Ultimatiorium.-ED.


'DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(Yhe answer in our next.)
'Tnz greatest man in Europe, and the sway
He holds o'er a great nation; firm always,
And yet not based upon his people's will,
(As TENNYSON has said) but kept by skill
In diplomatic dodges, and command
Of mighty armaments by sea and land.
1.
The tale-of'Windsoar's wives,
Great SHsaKePRARB wrote you'll say;
And yet this man contrimes,
To make another .py.
2.
'The rPrussians took.me, ',but: somefim with trouble,
May we alldo the same:among theAitubble.
,3.
The nicest thing a preyfilq' can be,
And a kind thing to doeor:an I,.P.
4.
Oft known amid the airiislhia,
Not easy to define,
And yet it makes a mark, I wis,
When tried with iodine.
5.
'"Just for a handful of silver he left us,"
So BROWNING wrote, but we needn't despair;
Nought of the paper at morn has bereft us,
And we shall find it as usual there.
6.
A potentate of power, a great dictator,
And yet we never hail him Imperator!
7.
A lady the Fates served uncommonly badly,
As told by the poet the story runs sadly,
When slain by the arrow her lover raved madly.
8.
The prettiest princess that ever was seen,
Who married, of course, and became a fair queen.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK's AcnOSTIe.
B Bear R
R Rappee E
I If F
0G Galileo 0
H Heir R
T Tympanum M
Answers Received to 14th. Sept.-None correct.


HAPPY LAND!
WE read-with a sigh of envy-in the columns of a contemporary
that-
Brixham, a seafaring town in South Devon, with a population of 7,000, is
without a resident attorney."
Here surely did departing ASTRIA leave her last longing lingering
footprints on English soil. Who would not exclaim with the poet-
"I would I were in Brixham,
Ido! Idol
For it never sor
A man of lor:-
I'd live and die at Brixham!"
But even as we write a horrible vision appears before us--a
terrible picture rises to our mind's eye! We can see a host of
attorneys, who, having read that fatal paragraph, have packed up their
carpet-bags and are descending on the innocent town, which by its
very innocence is the more likely to offer them splendid spoil. To any
but a legal eye the sight of such guileless happiness as Brixham's
would be an unanswerable appeal for mercy, but the legal eye can detect
the parchment beneath the spotless purity of the lambkin's youthful
wool, and spies beyond the happy calm of Brixham, costs and fees and
business inexhaustible. Poor Brixham! You are doomed. Hence-
forth, when we remember how an unguarded paragraph has wrought
your ruin, we shall rever-never again without an inward doubt hear
of the blessings of a licree press!


















































MISTAKEN-NOT MISS TAKEN.
Imagine the agony of Augustus on beholding his beloved Bella walked off in custody by X 31. It was, however, only a polite attention on the part
of that gentlemanly member of the force, who escorted her over the crossing.


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
UNPARALLELED TRIUMPH OF THE PROPHET! NICHOLAS ENTIRELY
RIGHT AGAIN!! WHAT A MAN RE IS, TO BE SURE!!!
BELGRAVIA.
MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,-NICHOLAs have now returned from his
long vocation among the Highland hills in Scotlandshire, where his
heart still is, a-chasing the wild deer and hunting the roe, so to
speak, not as I ever did so, it being far too violent for my period, and
preferred having a crack at a grouse bird from the top of a pony or
else lying down on your back and admiring of the sceneries.
All as it is now necessary for the Prophetto say about Caledonia is as
no better whisky can be found throughout the United Kingdom of
Great Britain, than whom perhaps on which the sun himself never
sets; but the longest holiday it must come to a end, my dear young
feller, and I travelled right through to London.
On arriving in a city which it have been wittily described as the
modern Babylon, NICHOLAS found as the whole town was ringing
with his name. The prophecy which he vaticinated of in your last
impression was the theme of universal everybody's talking of it.
You are so extremely fond, young man, of calling the grey-headed
and the good a "unprincipled old duffer," that it may well be asked
you whether, even supposing me to be "old" and "unprincipled,"
NICHOLAS is so much of a duffer after all ?
What were the three horses given by him for the St. Leger in your
last impression ?
MESSRS. JUDD and GLASS, pleese put it tabular.

SELECTIONS OF NICHOLAS. ACTUAL RESULTS.

Lord Lyon. Lord Lyon.
Savernake. Savernake.
Knight of the Crescent. Knight of the Crescent.
This fact, sir, speaks for itself.


I do not think as I shall ever write for you again. The emolument
ain't much to speak of, not to a man as has made pots of money by his
own unaided genius, and I do not like being called "an unprincipled
old duffer" every week. Who would?
At any rate, perhaps you may think it worth your while to comply
with the terms of the Prophet's Ultimatorium; which I annex, and
hope as all may yet be well, for I hate quarrelling with a friend when
there is scarcely anything to be got by it.
MY ULTIMATORIUM.
1. You must rise my salary.
2. You must withdraw the expression "unprincipled old duffer."
3. You must print my copy exact as I send it, and no humbugging
about authography or pointuation.
4. You must always speak of me more respectful, both in public
and private.
5. We will have a little dinner at a place I know.
6. Sherry wine.
7. No more gammon about Knurr and Spell. Fork out the Manu-
script, my boy!
NICHOLAS.
EDITORIAL NoTE.-We accept this Ultimatorium, so far as we are
able. The St. Leger Prophecy was certainly admirabi!, but we have
not received the Manuscript of Knurr and Spell.

A Definition.
AN Irish gentleman of our acquaintance says that the difference
between a constitutional monarch and a despot is that the latter need
only issue a u-kase for his orders, while the former must srp:.gy a
"be-kase" for his.
A COLOURED STATEMENT.
FACTS should always be stated in black and white. Anything
written in red ink, of course appears ink-red-ible.






F UT N .-SEPTEMBER 22, 1866.


LETTING HIM SLIDE,
Nap. (to Max. of Mexico) :-"I AM REALLY VERY SORRY, BUT I MUST LET GO, OR YOU MIGHT
PULL ME OVER!"








SEPTEMBER 22, 1866.] F T N 21


MRS. BROWN GOES TO MARKET.
IT makes my blood bile, as the sayin' is, to hear the letters as
BROWN reads out of the papers from them beefeaters about the price
of meat.
I says, "Rubbish, BnoWN, about them beefeaters; what should
they know about it, as I've seen myself a-standin' idlin' about the
Tower with my own eyes, dressed up like idjots, as if they was a-goin'
to dance with the sweeps, as has nothing' to do from morning' till night
but wait for to take up them traitors as may turn up any time; but
whatever can they know about the price of meat, partikler as they
haven't them lions to feed now as they did used to when I was a gal,
as has everything found for them down to tea and sugar P" So
BRowN, he says, I never see sich a woman to run away withrubbish
in your head."
Well," I says, "that's civil. I'm sure all the rubbish as I've got
there is got from you; for the way as you bothers me with them
papers as you're always a-readin' out on by fits and starts, as the
sayin' is, so as I never gets a regular notion about nothing and I'm
sure all the'mistakes as ever I makes is all your doin'." So BuowN,
he sets up, sayin', "Its no use a-wastin' breath on you."
I didn't care much, for I was that worreted over a bit of work as I
didn't want to talk through its bein' a body as I'd unpicked and
turned and couldn't make up agin for the life of me. I didn't bother
my head no more that night about his beefeaters, nor yet about the
work, for we had a supper as BRowN is partial to, a bit of fried tripe,
as I'd no more 'ave trusted to that gal than I'd 'ave thought of flyin'
in the air; and delicious it was, though I says it as cooked it.
The next morning' who should come in but MMs. WARNE as has a.
large family, and him only a clerk at a hundred and forty pounds
a-year, as ain't much to bring up nine on. She's a woman as I don't
hold with, through bein' one as will stoop to a mean action, and
sponge on any one, as I'd rather drop starvin' on a door-step than let
myself down to. She began a-goin' on about the price of things as
was downright ruin to her, "For," she says, "a leg of mutton goes
no ways, and is up to elevenpence at our butchers, and the very
thoughts on his bill makes me tremble," I. says, "Ah, them bills is
ruin!"
She says, "You may well say so, though I keeps them under all I
can, and if it wasn't as my father lends a hand every Christmas we
never could get through." I says, Ab, it's very 'ard to keep out of
debt, and that's what's the ruin of thousands."
She says, "If I had but the money in my hand I could go to
market the same as them as writes the letters to the Times." I says,
"I don't believe as you'd save much in the end."
"I'm a-goin' to try," she says, for I've got WARNE to give me a
sovereign to lay out in butchers' meat." "What!" I says, "this
time of year P Why, it'll turn bad in a single night."
Not if it's bought by any one as is a judge," says she. Well,"
I says, "I'm a pretty good judge; but no one can tell how soon a
joint will turn."
She says, I only wish as you would come with me up to Newgate
Market some morning. "
Well, BROWN had been worretin' about half a calf's head, so I was
a-thinkin' as p'raps I might meet with one reasonable, so agreed as I'd
go with her the very next day. We must be off by eight," says
she, and can get a 'bus at Kennington Gate." I says, "All right,
I'll be ready for you."
BROWN, he was off before eight that morning and there I sat till a
quarter to nine, but no MRS. WARNE, and jest as I was a-goin' to take
my bonnet off in she come. I says, "It ain't no use goin' now."
" Oh," she says, WARNE tells me as the best of the market is about
ten, and all the refuse gone."
We set off; but, law bless you, it was that damp and hot as there
wasn't no getti:' along, and we had to wait ever so long for a 'bus at
Kennington Gate, and had a regular scramble for to get a place, for it
was that crowded, and what with the wet umbrellas as smelt faint and
the dirt in the straw it was downright beastly. Glad I was to get out,
though the streets was that muddy as it was dirt up to your ankles,
and that slippy as you could hardly keep your feet, and I'm sure that
Old Bailey is that filthy as they may well say as black as Newgate."
The scrougin' and pushin' as there was when we got to Newgate
Street with them butchers a-comin' staggerin' with gory loads on their
backs was downright violence; and Im sure the mess as my shawl
was in through a sheep's head being' smeared all down it no one
wouldn't believe as didn't see it; and when I spoke to the man he
give me that abuse, a-sayin' as I was a regular abstraction, and a lot
of 'em as was all grease and gore come a-pushin' me about.
I'm sure the sight of that meat is enough to turn any one agin it;
and the bits as they hangs up in the doorways is downright sickenin',
and there was a deal of offal all over the place. As to a calf's head, I
couldn't see such a thing, but only bullocks', as is things I wouldn't
use, not even for soup, as always gives a strong taste.


Mns. WARNE, she was agglin' away over some beef as I told her
was that coarse as I didn't consider cheap at eightpence-apeny a pound,
through not bein' over fresh neither. The butcher was up in a
moment, and says, Don't you stand at my door a-runnm' down my
goods." I says, I ain't a-runnin' them down; but anyone can see
as it's all keg-meg, as isn't fit for 'uman food."
Well, if he didn'tgive the wink to a lot of roughs as was sstandin'
about as reg'lte hustled me, a-sayin', "Come, move out, don't be
a-stoppin' business." I says, I'm here on business, and wvats3 to
buy."
They says, "-Oh, it's only your larks." And if they dlbi't push
me along,. ashovin' me through them slimy places, and all of a sudden
my foot slipped though, -heir pushin', and if I didn't pitch among a
lot of sheepakins as wae a4ayin' there, as is a mercy, or I might have
broke my bones. Them fellows picks me up, a-sayiu' as I want fit
for to be.out alone. I say, "'I ain't alone, for the.lady as I come with
is there where you've pushed me away from."
They says, "Who pushedayou,?" I says, "You did; and I'll give
you in charge the moment I sees. a policeman." But,.law bless you,
they was off in no time..
I was in a mess; but what put me in a rage wae MRIs. ,WAn
a-sayis' to me, "It's a pity, MRis. BuowN, as you will speak out that
loud in your remarks as 'uit, people's feeling's, aud gat yourself into
trouble." I says, "'I only was.a-whisperin' to you.'
"Well," she says, youngn wtdhispers is as loud as whirlwindO." I
says, Mas. WARui, I didn't come out fhr to be insulted, but ony for
to help you with your marketing as I see you have got throughiath-
out me." But she says, "No I've not, for though I've bma t the
meat I ain't paid forit, through a-learin' my puas on thedaewmX."
So I goes back to the shop where she'd lefthar baaklet,6 i lays
eight-and-ninepeace for her; and she says, "J.Ua* 'olk the 6a]t, for
me, will you, while I tucks up my dressP"' Rwbai4ha'walks, a-tal~in',
and says to me, "-I wants to find a shop just by, would you nind
a-keepm' the basket and a-walkin' on slow to the 'bus f" I didn'tmnch
care about it, but wouldn't be ill-natured, for she says as we'd U t
the 'bus at the corner, a-pintin' to Newgate.
Well, I walked on with that basket a-reakin' my arm, and dawdlad
about for ever so long, but no MRs. WARNE. It was juat on the
stroke of twelve when I got to the bottom of the Old Bailh and
waited for a 'bus, and wished that meat at Jericho. When *tho 'bus
come up I give the young man the basket, and' if he didn't take and
pitch it up that violent on to the 'bus as it fell back again, that
boundin' agin me as sent me flat on the pavement, and all the meat
fell out, as was only cearse bits, and rolled in the kennel, the man
took and muddled it back, mud and all, in the basket, and then picks
me wp, a-sayin', You've not laid out your money well." I says,
"Whatever do you mean ?" "Why," he says, "that meat won't be
eatable in a hour or two, as the flies as made pretty free with already "
And right he was, for when I got it home I smelt the house fainty
as soon as the door was shet; and would have sent the gal round with
it to Mas. WARNE'S only didn't know neither her street nor the
number. I had it all washed, but, law bless you, some of it was green,
partikler a bit of weal, as turned me to look at; and when BnowN
come in he says, Whatever 'ave you got in the housee as smells that
offensive ?" So I tells him. Then he says, Send it to her at once."
But howeverr could I, through not known' heraddress; and, bless you,
she must 'ave done it a-purpose, for she never come near; and when.
met her, accidental, arter three weeks, if she wasn't downright rude,
a-sayin' as she only bought the meat through my recommending and,
thought as I'd took a fancy for to keep it through never a-meetin' her
at the corner as I'd promised, where she said as she waited all the
afternoon, and would stand me out as she pointed out Cheapside, as in
a word she never uttered. But there wasn't nothing' to be done with
her, as is a wile character, and never paid me back the arf-suvrin as
it's my opinion she never give arf the money for that meat as she said
she did; and only found her out arterwards through her servant
a-tellin' mine as her missus 'ad know'd as the meat wasn't sweet when
she'd bought it, so stuck the lot into me, as she called a graspin' old
fish-fag, and bought herself a gownd with the money. And I'm sure
if the meat 'ad been ever so good it would 'ave been dear at all the
trouble it give, let alone the omnibus fare and a-payin' the boy for to
carry it from Kennington Gate; and as to Newgate Market, it's a 9ile
hole, and enough to set you agin meat for ever.

Lissa'n to my tale I
WHY was the Italian admiral, after the battle of Lissa, like a
reckless spendthrift P Because his account was very much over.
drawn.

sN SUITE.
WE understand that P&tc de Guimauve is made almost exclusively at
St. Mallow, in Brittany.









FUN.


[SEPTEMBER 22, 1866.


I 'I &^ss> 4 Q
JUDGING BY APPEARANCES.
Our friend Gorgers, who enjoys a little French dinner immensely, is at a loss
to understand why the waiter will always propose Moque Tortelle" and Rosbif
d L'Anglaise!"


LONG-AGO.
OLD dances, where the feet were light,
And eyes outshone all jewels bright,
Or rosy beams of morn;
Old words, when every tone was dear
That only met one listening ear,
And left young loves forlorn.
Old dances! Bahl! the rooms were hot,
Where pleasure certainly was not,
And dangers not a few;
Old words, that oft were sweet no doubt,
That is, until you found them out
To be by no means true.
The dry Champagne that fired young blood,
The gushing friends who always stood,"
That is, who paid the score-
Alike are now to me denied,
Who only ask to be supplied
With some few dinners more.
I've lived my life, and seen all change,
The great world takes a wider range,
And moves away from me;
I only ask a quiet place,
And with another year of grace,
A little eau-de-vie.
The cronies that I loved of old
Are underneath the churchyard mould-
I'm still in this world's din;
And often think that I'm a fool
To live-the last ball in the Pool,
Not easy to put in.
'Tis little use to praise the times
I loved, in retrospective rhymes;
The world goes heedless on:
We all get weak in wind and limb,
Poor bubbles that on water swim
One minute-and are gone.


City News.
A OENTLrMAN, who has lost considerably during the
recent panic, says that he cannot understand why
speculations in the money mart are called money-tarry
transactions, for he finds the money generally goes.


OUT-OF-TOWN TALK.
EDITOn,-I am once more out of your way. I am buried in the
leafy seclusion of a quiet old-fashioned map-ignored Essex village. I
will call it Blackbury, for no other reason than that it is wholly unlike
its real name-six miles or so from a clean and rather picturesque old
garrison town, ten miles from an unfashionable watering-place on the
east coast, and fifteen from another village (whose name I forget)
which is celebrated (here) as the birthplace of the wife of the local
poet, whose name at this moment has escaped me. Now that you
know where I am, mind you write. I have fled hither because I am
weary of tourists and holiday-makers in general. I don't know any-
thing that tends so completely to demoralize the social character of
the middle-class Londoner as the going out of town for his annual
holiday. I do not speak of the demeanour of our countrymen abroad,
for with that I secretly sympathize. Inspired as I am with a horror
of Frenchmen, a loathing for Italians, a contempt for Spaniards and
Portuguese, an utter detestation of Germans, and a pitying contempt
for Russians, Turks, Jews, Proselytes, Cretes, and Arabians, I am
naturally pleased when they are annoyed by EDWARDS, and I rejoice
when they are snubbed by PARKERS-not, mind you, that I admire the
behaviour of EDWARDS and PARKER, but I like its effect upon MM.
FLAGEOLET, CLODOCHE, COMPETE, and NORMANDE-the only foreign
names which at the moment occur to me.* No; the behaviour of our
countrymen in England and Scotland is far more offensive-I do not
allude to the pigs of Ramsgate and Margate (I like to call them pigs,
for pigs is just what they won't touch), but to the rather more respect-
able visitors to Scarborough, Whitby, Filey, Bridlington, and the
I mean no disrespect to these gentlemen who are singularly clever and agile-
especially the green one, and the gentlemen with the red and white ribbons. I use
their names as so many abstract quantities.
By the way, I should like to dine at Greenwich with all four of them, and nobody
else, some Sunday, and go home and dream of them afterwards.


other holiday-places to be found in the excursion advertisement of the
London and North-Western Railway. I find that the jolly open-
hearted stockbroker of Clapham is transformed into a particularly

unjolly close-fisted old idiot by the time he reaches Scarborough, and
the per-force economical professional gentleman of Brompton becomes,
at Shanklin, an extravagant, pony-riding young Scattercash. Steady
middle-aged fathers at Finchley are changed, by the time they reach
Brighton, into so many winking old Lovelaces; and maidens, who are
models of propriety at Peckham, are demoralized to such an extent that
they wear hessians and striped stockings (and show them, too) before
they have spent a week at Worthing.
It is to avoid these nuisances (of which I have had enough for a
season) that I have fled to Blackbury. I endeavoured while I was in
Scotland to persuade myself that I was no mere holiday-maker, and
that I had left town in order that I might study, from a moral r-ove o-r
(put in the proper accents-I have forgotten them) the idiocies of
those whom, at home, I love, but whom, out of town, I loathe. But
it was of no use, I became one of them. I spent too much money. I
gave absurd fees to waiters in order to stand well with them. I, with
my pint of bad claret at dinner, despised him who drank honest beer.
I, in my beautiful (but still owing) shooting-boots, with a sole that
projected all round beyond the uppers, like pie-crust before it is
trimmed, looked down upon him whose boots were broken. I winked
like a holy statue, when occasion arose. I scorned people in paper
collars. I implied, all along, to eligible fellow-travellers, that I was
going north to my moors, when I wasn't, or anything like it.
Altogether I was as great a snob as the rest of them. But that is all
over now. I have bought a crook and some yards of penny ribbon
from a local recruiting sergeant. I have my eye on two lambs which
skip and bleat in the next field, and I am going to offer to buy them
as soon as they are a little bigger, and if you happen to hear of any one
who has a short pipe-I mean a musical reed (" no toy, no gaud had
he, save one short pipe") to dispose of, let me know. I am known









SEPTEMBE 22, 1866.] F TJ N 23


here as MR. Conir, and my only maidservant (elderly, my friend,
elderly) goes in the village by the name of "neat-handed PHILLIPS."
It is a corruption of the name I call her by, but the simple village
folk know no better. Adieu! More of the primitive pleasures of a
simple country life in my next-and in yours. SNARLER.


EPIGRAMS.
"BY A METROPOLITAN MARTIAL.

1.-London, Chatham, and Dover.
RArIWAYS to found's a thing requiring
Much capital and skill untiring:
This truth to those need scarce be told,
London and Chatham" shares who hold:
In business of this sort to shine
Is not their forte-but, ah, ere long
The railway too (unless I'm wrong)
They'll also find is not their "line"!

2.-" A Civic Biography."
MR. OBITDOE you urge-and success I much wish yon-
Our great Common Council a volume to issue,
A book of the lives of the great sons of London,
The task is a task that too long is left undone ;
But remember the Council is Common-and thence
'Twould be out of the common to get common sense.

3.-Sabbatarianism,
"INCREASED consumption of Scotch whisky"
(Vide Returns), yet not more frisky, .
On such potations deleterious _.
Grows Scotland-asu contraire, more serious!
You cannot reconcile her ways ? --
To guard against free-thinking schism
Her darling Sabbatarianism
Such ardent spirits she displays.

r PO CrE!'
T" Eo'her day an application was made to MR. SELra at West-
minster under the following circumstances. The parish authorities
had directed an undertaker to bury the body of a man who had died of
cholera in Chelsea. The removal of the corpse was resisted by some
half-dozen men, and the vestry applied for the aid of the police. The
magistrate after some hesitation-for magistrates have but little
power over Scotland-yard-granted the order, for which grant an
express power is conferred on him by statute. Thereupon an inspector
who was present produced the police order book, in which a command
was given to the police not to interfere in cholera cases-the command
coming from the commissioners. Mx. SELFE was naturally surprised
to find the commissioners usurping an authority superior to the law-
in fact, repealing the statutes. But we fancy the public will be equally
surprised to learn that "The Police Commissioners" are in point of
fact two single gentlemen rolled into one, that one being Sin RicHAD
MAiNE! No new appointment having been made on the death of
his original colleague, the hero of Hyde Park is autocrat of Scotland-
yard, and most autocratically he exerts his powers. It is really time
another commissioner should be appointed. He need not be of superior
mental calibre to Sm RICHARD, but he would temper the despotism,
for though two great wits occasionally jump at the same idea, two
little ones are not often unanimous, and in that would lie our safety.
The traveller who took a bed at an inn that might have been called
"The Fleece," on account of the field it would have afforded the
entomologist, went to rest in the comfortable assurance that however
much they might annoy him, the bounding brethren lacked the sense
to avail themselves of the co-operation of numbers more than sufficient
to pull him out of bed.

Considerate.
Wm once knew a City man who never got up till twelve at noon,
because, he said, it was only fair, as day broke in the morning, to give
it a chance of redeeming its position before beginning business with it.

A SETO oN THE ROAD.
WE beg to assure a correspondent that our picture of a London
street was not drawn upon "a block in the Strand."
THEtGREsAT TiE-cooN-CALcApT.


CLAPHAM JUNCTION.
(FROM THE STATION-MASTER'S DIARY.)
SEPTEMBER 1.-Sent off a trusty scout in the direction of London
immediately after breakfast. He returned at 9.45, and informed me
that the advance guard of the 7.30 express was already in sight. No
time to be lost. Sent him off to town again, cleared the platform for
action, and ran up to the top-gallant semaphore with an opera-glass.
The scout was visible near Vauxhall, tacking for Highbury (which is
out of his way, but the Rustling Serpent is clever at a trail). Sent off
a telegram to Leatherhead; answer, Shirtings are dull." A puff of
smoke S.E. by E.; the 11.5 parliamentary. Dinner: boiled leg of
mutton but no turnips. The 1.55 excursion is overdue, and where is
that scout ?
2.20.-All quiet at Hampton Court. That 7.30 express is very late.
Once let it run off the rails, and there it is! The stoker knows very
little English. The 11.5 parliamentary has gradually disappeared
round a corner. What shall I do now ? that scout is behind his time.
I will telegraph to Thames Ditton in a quarter of an hour, and make
my mind easy about him. Tea is ready-I could eat a nice watercress.
6.5.-Tea and seed-cake, but no cresses. The Thames Ditton tele-
graph-office is closed for the season. I am uneasy about that 7.30
express. There are such a lot of trains about that I feel quite nervous.
A man with a green carpet-bag has waited some time for it in the
refreshment-room. He is rather in a hurry to go to Jersey, Guernsey,
Alderney and Sark. I have made an offer to show him the curiosities
of Clapham in the meantime; but he tells me that he once lived at
Upper Tooting, and could scour the whole district with a telescope
from the top of his own leads. All quiet at Hampton Court. My
position is really one of the most feverish responsibility.
9.10.-Supper and something comfortable. The carpet-bag man is
asleep under the table in the refreshment-room, amidst innumerable
fragments of Banbury-cake and Bath-bun. I wish he didn't snore,
but I have nothing else against him. Several trains, and things of
that sort, have been by; it makes the little place quite lively. Shall
I telegraph to Weybridge P I think I will, and then I shall be able
to go to bed. Where is that scout P I am so sleepy I can hardly
collect my thoughts; but I am easy on one point. All is quiet at
Hampton Court.


gnfr ia t# tzrnbents.

W. R.-Contribution too late in the day.
J. H. L.-We don't know where you picked up that riddle, but you
ought to restore it to the lawful owner, who let it drop some years ago.
A. E., Camberwell.-It has been done before.
PUG-NACIOUS shall have an opportunity of displaying his science in the
box-we mean the Balaam box.
L. H. A.-The suggestion for a cartoon about shaving a pig is sheer
nonsense.
BILL-INGSGATE will see his idea was forestalled-fore-fishastlled we
should say-a number or so back.
R. D. L.-The subject is gone by, so the lines must be passed over.
A. S., Liverpool.-Your lines about "fowl and "pull it" and cap
on are less like poetry than poultry.
APOLLO ought to Apollo-gise for writing such nonsense.
A TANNER clearly knows more about leather than Hyde Park.
T. W. E. S., Cardiff.-You should get a Welsh pony to draw for'you.
COMMECeIAL, Burplem.-Under consideration-not beneath it.
OnADIAH PURE.-Too pure-ile.
V. V.-Your potteryry" as you call it, is past mending-it's too
ab-sherd.
C. B., St. Luke's.-We can't make head or tail of your letter:-the
head is obliterated by the Post-office and the tale is unintelligible.
TOORAL LoORAL.-Not Right-tooral looral.
FORESTER'S lines are too complimentary for insertion.
A. S.-Thanks for the Tony Johan-notion, but the suggestion was fore-
stalled.
CARDIFF sends an "old one" about prophets and profits, and calls it
my first." He had better stick to his last.
G. C. P., Sheffield.-Your story of the husband searching for his drown-
ing wife up stream was originally told of a mill-stream belonging to a
MILLER named JOE.
J. V., Liverpool.-We are much flattered.
Declined with thanks-J. H. B., near Horsham; R. T., Birmingham;
Nimrod; L. S.; F. S. B.; J. H., Penzance; W. H. L., Edinburgh;
M. K., Gravesend; J. C. A., Glasgow; W. M., Brighton; H. G. S.,
Manchester; M. A. B.; R. P., New Cross; J. F.; U. S., Regent's-park;
Roughyead, Oldham; G. M. F., Bishop Stortford; C. C., Dublin; uas;
H. R., Subscriber; J. L.; R. P. F.; B. A., Dulwich; G. W. W.,
Southmolton; L. 0. L., Adelphi; Novice; C. C., Birkenhead; J. R.,
Mitcham; J. D., Motcomb-street; Daniels- Snooks; ***
Southport- W H., Henrietta-street; W. E. A., Holloway; J. B. B.,
Oxford; 'om B., Worcester; A. H., Haslingden; A. E., Brighton; A
Lover of Fun; X.; B. P., senr.; H. A. L., Hereford; A. Z;, ortman
square; A Constant eAnder; A. J.., Norwood.




















































A VISIT TO THE ALHAMBRA.
IT is now several years, more or less, since BYRON wrote his mourn-
ful ballad beginning,
The Moorish King rode up and down,"
observing, in a dejected manner, Woe is me, Alhambra !" or words
to that effect. BYRON has since treated the subject in a more familiar
manner in his burlesque of Little Don Giovanni, which is not strange.
The famous palace to which he refers in both instances was built by
the Moors, but was soon taken by the Lessees. It was originally called
the Panopticon, which, as every schoolboy knows, means-Well!
Come, we are not a schoolboy, so we shall not commit ourselves. The
name was changed, of course, to its present title as soon as it was
(S)payin'. At various times it has been invaded by Goths, theatrical
managers, and other despots, but it still survives their attacks. At
present it is devoted to music- and the ballet. A Divertissement,
which is called "Floral" to prove it is not a "stage" performance,
and which succeeds several choruses and duets, is called, out of com-
pliment to the danseuses engaged in it, the What-toes Fte /! Of course,
there are also sole-os to the "feet," as the French (of Stratford atte
Bowe) pronounce the word. Then come more singing, and some
tumbling, and after these a Water Ballet," entitled the Sports of
Diana-a noble lady whom the Greeks called a "'Aughty-Miss."
Diana, who was quite a lady (and no relation to Ana-Di-omene, other-
wise called Venus, who wasn't),was much given to the chase, and sets out
on a deer-stalking expedition, with her nymphs, who are dears tripping.
Several Satyrs, who inhabit the sar-chasms of the surrounding rocks,
come in slightly intoxicated, and endeavour to pass themselves off, by
dint of an uncertain gait, as staggers" in the same style as her
train. The train, however, starts punctually on their appearance,
but recovering from its surprise comes into collision with the poor
buffers, and drives them out. A third ballet, of a comic character,
succeeds more music, singing, and posturing, so that altogether the
audience may be considered to get no slender entertainment, like the
sandwiches of Vauxhall-ham-bra repute. Neither time nor money is
ill-spent on a visit to the Alhambra. In the body of the hall, the
audience, like its drinks, is mixed; but as the performances are un-
objectionable, and decorum is preserved, the reserved seats, to which
the most fastidious can go without fear of molestation, are not so re-
served as not to answer.


We may mention another fact, in these cholera times, to prove that
in this instance at least "what is fun to us is" anything but "death"
to others. During the Sports of Diana the Titanic cascades play, and
pour an immense body of water into the sewers, which, for the public
benefit, are thus "flushed by the triumph of private enterprise.


THE TIME FOR THE PLAY.
WE must get our dinners early, very early, friend, I fear,
We've reached the jolliest time, you know, of all the London year.
Of all our London year, my boy, 'tis the merriest time, they say,
For this is the time for the play, my boys, this the time for the play !
There's many a charming girl, my boy, and all will make a stir,
KATE TERRY, MILLY PALMER, and PATTY OLIVER,
And darling MARIE WILTON, as of old, will hold her sway.
Oh this is the time for the play, my boy, this is the time for the play.
The Whiteboy" at the Olympic is advertised you see.
They say it is original, but that can never be.
Four dramas by one BOUCICAULT are quite enough, you say ?
Well, this is the time for the play, my boy, this is the time for the play.
A gorgeous melodrama has substituted KEAN,
You'll come to the Princess's to see Comete in green P
To Ours, at the Prince of Wales's, folks come from far away.
Ah! this is the time for the play, my boys, this is the time for the play.
We've plenty of work to do, my boy, and plenty of time to kill;
We must visit the drama's temple just rear'd on Holborn-hill.
There's the Eddystone's Rock at the Surrey, and a view of Plymouth
Bay,
So this is the time for the play, my boy, this the time for the play.
So you must come and dine quite early-five o'clock, my friend, I fear.
We have reached the jolliest time, you know, of all the London year;
We have reached the welcome gaslight at the close of an autumn day,
And that is the time for the play, my boy, that is the time for the play.

A MECHANICAL PUZZLE.-A clock is a contradictory contrivance-it
won't go at all if it hasn't a weight (to wait).


London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Pubtused (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, September 22, 1866.










SEPTEMBER 29, 1866.]


FUN.


25


old duffer," as you used to call me so yourself, deny it if you can, or
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. a pampered and purse-proud Ingrate," as I am often termed by a
MY DEAR YOuNG FRIEirD,-NIcHO S have his faults, but rancorous Relative to whom I am sure no one was ever more kind to him; at
maliciousness and bearing a grudge is not one of them. You have any rate, the character and career of NICHOLAS can safely be allowed
done the handsome thing by your Prophet; you have retracted to speak for themselves. And, my dear young Friend, if by any chance,
expressions which had a tendency to vex him, such as "un- you know-it might happen; we can never tell!-if it should occur
principled old duffer ;" and I must say as you show every desire to be that any of your correspondents should think it only the right sort of
again on friendly terms with one whose genius has helped to make thing to offer him a Public Testimonial, for I know as it havo been
the paper what it is, ergo, second to none, bar none, as A Sportive mooted in certain influential circles, all I have to say is that though I
Organ and A Racing Guide. ay not positively want it, nor do I, and would scorn to cadge for it,
In accordance, the clouds of animosity and my feeling really yet if your subscribers should come forward with their fivers or even
annoyed by such low language have rolled away like the mists of the their humble quids, it would be false pride in me to decline such a
mountain from the crags of Glenhoolachanachan, Scotlandshire, where Memorial. But, of course, I do not care about a Statute, nor have I
I was, you know. I accept your retractation and my own rise of ever done so.
salary; and I will prophesy for you honest and true whenever I see As for the Cambridgeshire and Ctesarewitch, bide your time, my
my way to a real good thing; but I will never encourage gambling Sportive Reiders I have a dark one as will see short odds for the
by giving tips for minor race-meetings, nor tempt the young and un- formeurand will name him previous to the race.
thinking to embark upon an ocean of speculation, which although it hat you say, ir, about not having received the MS. of my Knurr
may land some of us, such as NicHOlAs, in the prosper is anchorage and Spell," it is indeed a heavy blow to lose the literary labour of
of pecuniary emolument, is yet overshadowed by the Tpas-tree of years. Do you not think as I might bring an action against the Post-
Debt and the poisonous fangs of Dishonour, ever ready to fasten office? It was a noble work, though I say it; but, perhaps, sir, it
their reeking clutches on the Victim's Heart! I hope I know better have since turned up ? NICHOLAS.
at my period. P.S. 2.-It was to have been illustrated by copperplates. This
The future Historian, Sir, when speaking of my St. Leger's Pro- may serve as a clew.
phecy of 1866 shall never have it in his power to say as NICHOLAS was
a corruptor of youth, nor yet as I wilfully led them into Sweeps. I Wreather Flattering!
may, or I may not, be what seme of my friends are good enough to F e
call me so, NICHOLAS, THE P IeCc OF PROPHETS. IN the new coinage now being struck at Berlin, the King's head is
I may, or I may not, have given you first, second, and third in that surrounded by a laurel wreath-a decoration not to be found on
noble race which is named above; I may, or I may noL, be rather Prussian coins since the days of FaEDEnIu TIM GREAT. This is a new
more up to a thing or two than absolutely a "doddering old fool," as sort of garnishing for the sort of head his Majesty possesses. All that
one of your anonymous correspondents calls me, or an "unprincipled is required now is a lemon in his mouth!

VOL. iv. e


A ROTTEN ROW-MANTIC RHAPSODY.

.- ;-'' -' W'EET LUCY, as I saunter slow,
"' '" The only man in Rotten-row,
', I sigh to think, a month ago
(Rogret howl univailing!)
-_. You used to ride among the crowd,
S. And snubbed me when I sighed an d vowed-
While I beneath your auger bowed.
And leant upon the railing.
-. Deserted, now, the scene I scan :
.'.- L No muffled sound of hoofs on tan,
Save where one melancholy man
Is riding-for his liver.
The heart, your coldness almost breaks,
Could wish yoe gave the chill it takes:
For, though the weather's no great shakes,
r The breezes make one shiver.
'Twas hereo-just here, 1 first spoke out,
And begged you to resolve my doubt
You answered "Shan't! with pretty pout,
I wonder what that Shan't !" meant!
Now, far removed from foe and friend,
Mly woeful way I hither wend
S Alone! A-loan that does not lend
My views the least enchantment.
To show you to what depths I'm brought-
I'm whistling! which I didn't ought! "
And yet it's not for want of thought-
'Tis pensively I whistle-
A waltz; by reason stern deterred
(Though aura popularis* stirred)
-From wishing that I were a bird,
A daisy,-or a thistle!
Come back to town, sweet lady mine,
And kindly to my suit incline,
Or straight I'll seek the Serpentine
5 With purpose suicidal.
Oh! fair equestrian, spare that doom!
Preserve me from an early tomb!
Engage-engage me as your groom,
And I'll arrange your bridal!

ide IIor. Od. lib. iii., 2.










26


FUN.


I


[SEPmMBER 29, 1866.


FROM OUR STALL.

1 ry"'T HE success of MR. T. W. RowBETsoN's
new comedy, Ours, was established be-
yond the possibility of a doubt on its
first performance at the Prince of Wales
Theatre. It is mainly to the charms of
its dialogue that Ours will owe the long
life in store for it. The plot and the
incidents are of the simplest, but the
talk is one coruscation-
Continuous as the stars that shine,
And twinkle in the milky way."
(Dramatic dialogue is now-a-days more
given to twinkle in the milk-and-watery
way, by the bye.) Ma. ROBERTSON'S
comedy-writing is eccentric-strongly
individualized-and thoroughly spon-
taneous. His first act is a bouquet of
epigrams; his next concludes with one
of the cleverest situations possible-
made out of the departure of our troops
for the Crimea, and the consequent
leave-takings between the chief charac-
ters. The third act is laid at the seat of
war, where all the ladies turn up-in a
highly improbable way, be it said-and
rejoin those who are dear to them. The
close of the play is unsatisfactory; for
Sebastopol-some of the company will
^_ call it Sebastopool-remains untaken,
Sand Ours is as liable as ever to be
thinned by shot, shell, or bayonet.
Moreover, there is an inconsistency in making two young ladies play
at soldiers within actual earshot of battle. These blemishes might
easily be removed, in company with a pun or two, and the comedy
would then bear comparison with any contemporary work of its class.
The leading members of the Prince of Wales's company are admir-
ably fitted with parts. MR. CLARKE appears in a more serious
character than usual, and plays it with great force. MR. HARE makes
up and acts most artistically. MR. F. YOUNGE (who succeeds MR.
DEWAR in the representation of a comic sergeant) has a chance of which
he avails himself fully. Ma. RAY is careful and MR. BANCROFT
moderately impassioned. The latter gentleman must always remem-
ber to take his cap off on entering a room, especially when saluted by
a polite Russian prince. The ladies are all that could be wished ;
Miss LARKIN very imperious, Miss MARIE WILTON very arch and
graceful, Miss LouIsA MOORE very everything that is nice. The
scenery is tasteful and complete, the incidental music suitable and
effective. After the comedy Miss LYDIA THOMPsoN made her first
appearance, in Tottenham-street, in the Pas de Fascination, dancing
and acting with all her powers of coquetry and animal spirits.

WOE.
A SONNET.
WOE! woe! and yet again the cry arose,
As of a soul in mortal agony !
A grief too deep for human sympathy,
Hopeless of all save welcome Death's repose!
A heart, whose every pulse throbbed nameless woes,
Half maddened by its helpless misery,
Only could seek to fill infinity
With such reproachful, passionate cries as those!
Woe! woe it was as if great PAN were dead,
And Nature, from sea-deep to mountain-top,
Mourned, like the moonless night, for PH{EBUS fled!
0, let thy steeds, poor youth, the fresh grass crop,
And tell me why thou criest woe," I said.
"Woh!" he replied; to make the lossess stop!"

Here, There, and Everywhere.
SIR BOYLE ROCHE'S famous bird, which could be in two places at
once, is somewhat in danger of having to give way to the Protector as
the best example of this extraordinary ubiquitousness. We learn from
an article on London in a recent Number of London Society, that,
on the anniversaries of his great victories of Worcester and Dunbar, CROMWELL
died "
We always had a very great respect for OLIVER, as a man of no
ordinary capacity. Our respect is doubled now.


BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
THE inquest on the child, THOMAS NIcHOLS, who was refused admis-
sion at the Hackney Union and died in the German Hospital, exposes
another phase of workhouse misrule. It appears that the master and
matron of the union, who are man and wife, were at variance with
the medical staff and the chief nurse. The master complained that the
medical men were not "civil" to him. The matron thought one of
them "offensive," because he urged the admission of the sick child.
The result is that the poor little creature, who had never been either
uncivil or offensive to this worthy couple, was kept shivering half an
hour at least in the open porch of the house, and finally sent away (to
die-as much of exposure as of cholera-at the German Hospital),
although growing rapidly worse, actually turning blue, as sworn by
the assistant surgeon, while detained in the porch. Such heartlessness
is almost incredible. But it is not difficult to account for-" the
master had always been master, and will be master this time," said the
matron, and that sentence explains all. There is a conflict of
authorities-the DRIScoLLS and the Doctors disagree. A trial of
powers is determined on, the master will assert his dignity and try the
case; so the experiment is made on the poor little "vile body" thus
huddled away into an untimely grave!
WoRKHousES again! I have just been reading the report of the
proceedings of the Strand guardians, at a meeting where MEssRs.
STORR and HEDGCOeK urged that the system of Lady Nursing, which
had been so beneficial at Chorlton," should be introduced at the Strand
Union. It so happens that these ladies, who devote themselves, as
only women can, to tending the sick poor, unite with active charity a
certain form of religious belief; wherefore, certain of the guardians,
who probably think drunken pauper nurses of no particular creed are
less likely to be troublesome and inquiring, raise a howl, and the pro-
posal is quashed. Yet DR. JENNER, Miss NIGHTINGALE, and Miss
TWINING-and these names are good recommendations-approve of the
noble efforts made by the sisterhood; and the doctor, who has watched
their labours at the North London Hospital, speaks strongly in their
favour. "I feared," he says, "that they might (as I have heard of
others doing) step out of their province in various ways, and so inter-
fere with the general usefulness of the charity. Naw I can truly say
that in my opinion, the greatest misfortune that could befall the
inmates of the hospital would be the withdrawal of the sisterhood
from the work they so admirably perform." One feels sick and sorry
to see the Strand guardians refusing such aid in the teeth of such
testimony. If bigotry only is the cause of their refusal it is bad
enough, but it is to be feared that the desire to "keep dark" the
system of administration has as much to do with it as any alarms about
proselytism.
I Am glad to see SIR SAMUEL BAKER, who is an authority on the
black question, writing such a sensible and temperate letter to the
Times about GENERAL EYRE and Jamaica. But he is of too sanguine
a temperament. He, and his brave wife, when starving in the wilds
kept up their spirits by drawing up a menu for a Barmecide's feast.
With an equally lively imagination, he fancies that the enemies of
GovERNoR EYRE will not go so far as to an attack "so degrading and
contemptible "-" a course of persecution so vindictive," as a criminal
action. SIR SAMUEL is acquainted with the impulsiveness of the black
-he does not fully understand the pertinacity of the bigot, though he
can pen such a stinger as the following sentence :-
The negro, being a fashionable topic, must be discussed by all parties, capable
or incapable, especially as he affords to philanthropists that pungent source of
acrimony so agreeable to Christian feeling, because while sympathy is bestowed
upon one object, animosity can be expended upon the other."
THE refusal of the Queen to be present at the inaugural ceremonies
at Manchester and Liverpool-especially on account of the reason
alleged for it, "a fear that the fatigues would be too great "-has
naturally been a source of great anxiety to Her Majesty's loyal sub-
jects. Nor was that anxiety lessened by the statement that, from a
similar cause, the Prince of Wales had been compelled to absent him-
self from a Volunteer Review at which it had been understood that he
would be present. Under these circumstances, it is really delightful
-quite reassuring-to read about the doings of the Court in the High-
lands, and to learn that at a ball given to the tenants and servants at
Abergeldie-
Her Majesty was apparently in good health, and evidently enjoyed the dancing.
Shortly before eleven the Queen accompanied by Princess Louise, Prince Leopold,
Princess Beatrice, &c., retired from the ballroom, widle the Prince and Princess of
Wales, the Duke of Edinburgh, &c., continued dancing with unflagging spirit till
an early hour in the morning."

The Bank Rate.
THOSE who have so long patiently watched for a reduction of the
bank rate, say that it is worth its wait" in gold.









SEPTEMBER 29, 1866. F 1U IT. 27


THE L OANG STRIKE.
ACT I. SCENE 1.-Manufacturers discovered in Session.
MR. ARMITAGE (a manufactuer).-What I propose is this-Give
every workman in Manchester five hundred a-year and his beer, and
treat him as one of the family.
MR. RADLEY (another).-I dissent. Make 'em work twenty-five
hours a day, and run away with all their sweethearts.
(Enter a Deputation of Starving Workmen, headed by NOAH LEAnoYD.)
NOAH.-What be ee goin' to do wi' us ?
MR. ARMITAGE.-Everything!
MR. RADLEY.-Nothing!
NOAH.-An' that be ye' final decision ?
BOTH.-It is !
NOAH (to S. W.).-Coom, lads, and burn down Manchester!
ALL.-We will! [Exeunt to burn Manchester.
SCENE 2.-Old Millgate. Enter JANE LEAROYD, a factory girl.
JANE.-It's here that Mr. Radley meets me nightly. Ahl, sure!
Enter MR. RADLEY.
RADLEY.--Jane, you are a humble factory girl in short sleeves-I
am a beautiful pink and white manufacturer with curly hair. Do you
not adore me?
JANE.-Ah, well, notwithstanding that you wear a white hat, a
white coat, and light trousers, I think I do. [They fondle.
Enter JEM STARKIE.
JE S.-Ha Mr. Radley, a-fondling my lass This is annoying.
[Knocks MR. RADLEY down.
RADLEY.-Humph! A blow p Never! At all events, rarely! At
present I will dissemble; but a time will come! No matter-Humph.
[Exit.
SCENE 3.-NOAH'A's Dwelling. Enter JANE.
JANE.-Ah, where's Jem Starkie F (Knock.) Come in !
Enter JOHNNY REILLY, an Irish Sailor.
JANE.-Ah, Johnny Reilly, an Irish sailor, and is it thee, lad ?
JOHNNY R.-Sure, it's meeself at all, at a, at all, at all! I'm going' to
say-
JANE (severely).-What are you going to say ?
JOHNNY R.-I'm going to say in the Andromache-Dinah-and I'm
come to say good-bye; for don't I love ye at all, at all, at all ? And
don't Jem love ye at all, at all, at all ? In short, don't we both love
ye, at all, at all, at all ?
JANE.-Well, good-bye, lad!
JOHNNY R.-Good-bye, mavourneen, musha! Carry me into the
moonbames! nter J. [Exit.
Enter JEM.
JEm.-Lass, I love ye well.
JsNE.-But I canna love you, lad. Hook it.
Enter RADLEY, pursued by mob.
RADLEY.-Jane, save me! They would tear me limb from limb.
JEM.-Oh, certainly. You love my young woman, so hide in her
room; it's on the first landing-cheerful, perhaps, but a trifle too public
-and I'll come and let you out when all's quiet. Delighted I'm sure.
RADLEY.-You're really very good.
Jxr.-Don't name it, my dear fellow.
[Exeunt RADLEY up to landing, and J into street.
Enter NOAH and Three Conspirators.
NOAH.-Now that we are alone we will conspire to burn down
Manchester. [They draw lots-the lot falls upon NAH. RADLEY listens.
NOAH.-Ha! I knew it. Now to burn down Manchester.
[Exit to burn down Manchester.
RADLEY (coining down).-This shall to the police. [Exit to thepolice.
Enter NOAH.
NOAH.-Nay; I shall not burn down Manchester till to-morrow.
Enter a POLICEMAN.
POLICE.IAN.-NNoah, you are going to burn down Manchester, but
you mustn't. Mr. Radley has laid information, and I have come to
tell you that you may escape. It's wrong of me ; but I generally go
wrong. I attribute it partly to my being the only policeman in Man-
chester who is allowed to speak a line, and partly to the confusing
effect of having XLI on one collar and LIX on the other. Am I
forty-one or fifty-nine P
NOAH.-You look fifty-nine. [Tableau.
ACT II.-Fuller's-lane, with RADLEY'S anouse. Enter RADLEY.
RADLEY.-Pink and white manufacturer tho' I be, yet I will carry
off my Jane! She passes here this evening-I will inwiggle her into
my abode. The lane is Fuller's, but the house is mine. Ha! Ha!
Enter JANE.
JANE.-Ah it's Mr. Radley.
RADLEY.-Come! I would carry you off!
JANE.-And would you marry me off?
RADLEY.-Marry ? Ha! Ha! that zs a good one!
[They struggle--a pistol is fired from a hedge, and RADLEY falls dead.


Enter SOCIETY AT LARGE.
SOCIETY AT LARGE.-Ha! This is murder.
Enter POLICEMAN XLI LIX.
POLICEMAN.-The best way to detect a murderer is to lot every ono
go whom you suspect. [Lets every one go whom he suspects. Tableau.
ACT III. SCENE 1.-Mill-gate. Starving Mechanics (worse of than
ever) discovered.
A MEcHANIC.-Here eomes poor old Noah.
A big property pump, that has been forgotten in setting the scene, is at
this moment shoved into the middle of the 'stage by peccant carpenter.
General joy of audience. Then enter NOAH looking benignly at pump.
NoAH.-Ah, lads [Dodders-exeunt Workmen.
Enter JEs STARKIE and JANE.
JAN'E.-You murdered Radley!
JEM.-No I didn't!
JANE.-I believe you-but XLI, or LIX, don't.
Enter XLI LIX.
XLI LIX.-Jem, I arrest you for the murder of Radley.
JEM.-But I was with Johnny Reilly at the time!
XLI LIX.-Ah! fie pich! tush! pooh! bah! pshaw!
SCENE 2.-TIONEYPENNY'S Office. MONEYPENNY discovered at tea.
MONEYPENNY.-I am a solicitor in large practice, and I keep a grey
footman and a smiling housekeeper, yet I always have my supper at
twelve p.m. in the office. It's so much more cheerful than my private
parlour. (Writhes.) Enter JANE LEAROYD.
JANE.-My lad's in trouble.
MONEYPENNY.-Ah! (Weeps.) What is it?
(Stretches his mouth from ear to ear, and turns his lips'inside out.)
JANE.-Murder! The only witness that can clear my lad is starting
from Liverpool for New York at this moment.
MONEYPENNY.-POOr gal! (Squirms.) We must telegraph. (Sobs.)
Come along. [Exeunt arm in arm, both weeping bitterly.
ACT IV. SCENE 1.-Telegraph Office.
Enter MONEYPENNY and JANE LEAROYD.
MONgEYPENNY (to Clerk).-I want to telegraph to Liverpool to say
that a pilot-boat must start immediately to catch the ship Andromaohe-
Dinah, and bring back Johnny Reilly, to give evidence in favour of
Jem Starkie, accused of murder. Twenty pounds deposited.
[Clerk signals-reply comes in about four seconds.)
CLERK.-All right. (Reads.) "The pilot-boat is by this time on
her way to the ship." And yet people complain that the telegraph is
dilatory!
Scene 2.-After-cabin of the Andromache-Dinah. Enter REILLY.
JOHNNY.-Ah, but it's Ould England we're leaving Sure, thin,
ain't I the only sailor on board bar the captain, and ain't this ship
2,000 tons (register). Shure we're short-handed.
Enter a FIERCE CAPTAIN bound in gold lace.
FIERCE C.-Abaft! Belay! Johnny Reilly and I always work
the ship from the after-cabin. Marlinspikes and best bowers! Wow!
[Exit through the ship's side.
PILOT (in boat without).-Hi! Hold hard! Here's a message.
[Exit JOHNNY upstairs to see what it is.
Enter FIERCE CAPTAIN through ship's side.
Finac- C.-Give me the telegram. (Reads.) Ha! ha! They
want you to go and give evidence in favour of Jem Starkie! No!
no! you are the only man on board except myself, and I can not work
such a ship single-handed.
JoHNNY.-Ah! sure, then, it's meeself will swim ashore !
[Jumps overboard.
SCENE 2.-Crown Court at Assizes. JEM STARKIE being tried for murder
by an irresolute judge with his hair down as if he had been bathing.
SERJEANT WIGLEY.-I am only twenty, or so, yet I am a Serjeant-
at-law. Gentlemen, convict the prisoner!
SERJEANT SPURRIER.-I am only sixteen, and I, also, am a Sorjeant-
at-law. Acquit him!
JUDGE.- Gentlemen, you have heard the case; it is only a murder
trial, so I needn't sum up.
IMPULSIVE FOREMAN or THE JuRY.-He is ar-guilty !
MONEYPENNY.-No he ain't. (Squirms.) He's innocent! I'm his
attorney, so I ought to know. (Twirls.) I'll knock all your heads off!
JUDGE.-Really, this is very irregular Don't, sir! you really
mustn't. Enter JOHNNY REILLY.
JonNNY R.-Ah, here I am at last, sure, darlints. And wasn't Jem
Starkie with me when the murder was committed; and, although ei
haven't been sworn, do you think oi'd tell a lie to save my dearest
friend Jem from the gallows?
IMPULSIVE F.-He is ar--innocent!
General joy-Judge embraces MONEYPENNY, the Criers fall into each
other's arms, the Jury weep, the Reporters are unmanned, and the
curtain falls helplessly on the tableau.
OURSELVEs.-After all, it is by no means a bad piece, and it's
capitally acted-especially by Mn. EMERY, Ma. COWmER, and MR. and
MRS. BOUCICAULT ; but we're such a fellow-we must have our joke!









FUN.


[SEPTEMB'ER 29, 1866.


AN APE-(OLOGY).
.fr. Gibbon :-"I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME :-HAD THE PLEASURE OF BEING INTRODUCED TO YOU IN THE MONKEY-HOUSE
AT THE Zoo, LAST SUNDAY."
Satirical Fair:-" I BEG PARDON REALLY. I DIDN'T RECOGNISB YOU AGAIN. There were so many there !"


PROPOSED TESTIMONIAL.
WE have received the following communication:-
To THE EDITOR OF FUN.
LONDON.
MR. EDITOR,-Do you not think, sir, that the time have now arrived
when some public recognition ought to be made of the genius, perse-
verance, and integrity displayed by your Sportive Prophet ? Sir,
MR. NICHOLAS is not personally known to me, though I have often
wished as I had the honour of his acquaintance, in consequence of
which this proposal is made entirely upon public grounds, nor do I
wish to obtrude myself.
Week after week, sir, your organ, than whom I am sure a more
amusing periodical, though I wonder how you do it for the money-
week after week, sir, your organ have been enriched, not to say im-
mortalised, by the countrybutions of that illustrious man, and s',ldom,
indeed, is it but what his tips have proved that right you are. I have
myself, sir, long been in the habit of backing the selections of Mn.
NICHOLAS, whereby I have realized a handsome sum of money, and
so may any one who will follow him faithful, and it is therefore from
feelings of pecuniary gratitude united to those of epistolary admiration
that I suggest the least thing as can fairly be done for him is a Testi-
monial.
Sir, if you will survey the historic scroll of your New Serious, you
will find that the Prophet have almost invariably been all there, or
thereabouts; selecting with a unerring eye the future winner of the
hippie and equestrian jousts, and often sending of him when he is at
outside prices, thereby enabling you to put the pot on heavy. It
might be tedious, Mr. Editor, to recapitulate all the achievements of
your good and gifted "old man," as he playfully calls himself in your
organ, though I daresay not a bit older after all than many as pretends
to look down on him. What have he not foretold, sir ? His accuracy
it have become poorverbial, and I am quite sure that every right-
minded betting-man in Great Britain's glowing Hemisphere must


look upon him as a True British Prophet, and a Benefactor to his
Fellow Man!
As such, sir, MR. NICHOLAS deserves a public Recognition and
Memorial; and it only needs a few well-known names for to set it-
agoing, and no flies. ADMIRAL Rous would perhaps not object to be
one of the committee, and I believe that though he once ordered
NICHOLAS off Newmarket Heath, such was done before the Prophet had
attained celebrity. Many of Britannia's Aristocracy, to whom the old
man is well beknown, would of course join in, and I do not think it
altogether impossible but what H. R. H. might be induced to come
forward and rally round a brother sportsman, than whom he well
know NICHOLAS to be so.
Sir, the time have gone by when Statutes were all the go; nor from
what I have heard tell of the Prophet's physical appearance, though
pleasing and genial, do I think as he would look well in a Statute,
either equestrian or not so, but otherwise. Besides, statutes after all,
are incentuals to vanity and graven images. No, Mr. Editor! Let
us give practical proof of our regard for NICHOLAS. Do not let us
waste the money in brass or marble:-let us give it to him in hard cash;
and no one will be more happy to contribute his mite than
AIN OLD AND RESPECTABLE SUBSCRIBER.
P.S.-We might also give him a few dozen of Sherry wine.
[EDITORIAL NOTE.-NICHOLAS, this trick is unworthy of you! The
handwriting is disguised, but we know your style of composition, you
artful old man!]

The Belgian Volunteer Fetes.
The Fbtes are postponed until October."- Vide Daily Papers.
SINCE they a day can't fix upon,
The Belgians, it is clear,
Instead of crying, off and on,"
Had better drop the Tir.






F T N .-SEPTEMBER 29, 1866.


PEACE AT THE PARIS EXHIBITION.
French Workman:-" PRENEZ GARDE! TAKE CARE, MY FRIEND. IT IS VE:'Y FRACILE"








SEPTEMBER 29, 1866.J 'T FUN. 31


MRS. BROWN REVISITS HER DAUGHTER.
"BRowN," I says, "it's a boy as our dear gal 'as got." "Well,
he says, that's all right, and now I suppose you'll be easy, for you've
been in a regular fidget night and day this ten days."
"Well," I says, "that's only natural, as 'ave been looking' for this
letter every post, as is come at last, and he's wrote to say as she's
a-lookin' forward to see us both." So BaowN he says, "I don't see as
I can go possible; but," he says, "you'd better pack up and be off,
for I know I shan't 'ave no peace of my life till you've seen that child,
as is regular mad after babies." ".... I'-'c ...
"Well," I says, "I certainly did say as I'd go, though the journey
is more than I can bear; but, of course, it's natural as she should wish
it through bein' her first, as she's in course proud on, and will feel
different when it comes to the fifth or sixth, not as the love is less, for
there can't be no doubt but the love is sent with them, though never
the same fuss as about the first. I knows very well," I says,
"BaowN, as I shall have words with his mother, as is that fidget,
a regular skin-and-grief kind of woman, and however 'LIZA's been
able to bear up agin her I can't think, as I don't hold with old folks
a-livin' with young ones, as had best be left to theirselves, and often
makes up their little differences better when no thirdparty's a-standin'
by for to put in an oar." --' .: .-----
I'm sure the trouble it was to me to get ready, with the weather
that warm, and if I hates anything in this world it's railways, as
puts me all of a tremble even to hear the whistle a-tearin' on like
mad; but, law bless you, when I'm once in it I gives myself up for
lost, and makes my mind quite easy. BRowx he wouldn't go, 'cos
he said he'd had enough of babies, not as he can say with truth as
ever they broke his rest through me always a-sayin' as aay' a howeverr can
a man be up to his work in the morning' with a broken night's rest, as
I've known them as would lay a-snorin' in their beds like MRs.
GIDDINs, and let that poor man walk the room by the hour a-keepin'
that infant quiet, as I'm sure led to his rheumatics in the knees, as
crippled him for life. I don't think as ever I remember a hotter morin'
than when I left Paddin'ton Station, and though the carriages was
very nice, I must say as a footstool would have been a comfort.
It's very beautiful for to see the country a-lookin' that green all
over as betokens a fine harvest, as we must all hope for with bread at
eightpence; and I was glad for to see Windsor Castle, as QUEEN
WIeCTOREIA lives a good deal in, though fond of Scotland, as I've heerd
say is very wild, and wouldn't suit me, for mountains is things I
don't hold with, as takes away the breath and breaks the back; but
as to any one a-sayin' as BRowN was there as gilley, why it's false,
whatever it may mean, as is French for something I suppose.
I'm sure it's wonderful as I could sleep in that train, as a mouse
will wake, and yet I must have done, for I only remembers a-stoppin'
once till we got to Exeter, and so on to where I was put out, and
wasn't met by no dog-carts but the four-wheel shay, and I must say
as JOHNNY was very glad to see me. And when I got there, though
tired, I did enjoy a-seein' my dear gal a-lookin' that nicely with her
boy, as is a fine child if his grandmother don't destroy him with her
carraway waters and rubbish, as she distils herself, and had better
drink it too herself, an old idjot, and I can't say as I cared much for
the party as was nussing 'LIZA, for she seemed to be two-thirds stupid
and the rest sullen, as is their country ways.
I was all the better for my tea, and got to bed early through
wantin' rest. But whether it was the strange bed or the fresh air I
can't say, but sleep I couldn't. There was a old-fashioned clock
a-standin' on the stairs, as ticked loud enough for twenty, and struck
the hours with a fizzin' noise like ginger beer a-bustin'. The place
was sweet and clean, but the feathers in my pillar hadn't been dried
proper or something, for they'd a smell as obligated me for to take
to the bolster, as put my head that low as made it all giddy like.
The room over mine was where they kep' the cheeses, and there was
pigeons close by, as begun a-cooin' afore daylight, and waked up the
cocks and hens, as crowed like mad a-defyin' of one another, and jest
as I was a-droppin' off, in come the young woman a-bouncin' with a
jug of hot water, a-sayin' as breakfast was at seven, as I considers a
good hour too soon. I don't know how it is, but I never do fancy
country wittles ; for though the milk is very fresh, of course they never
'ave a drop of cream, as is all made into butter, as isn't to my taste,
and as to their bacon, they don't know 'ow to cure it, and 'as always
a rancorous taste. They said as they'd begun to lay up their eggs for
winter, and I'm sorry as they didn't lay the one up as I got, for it
was quite bad.
As to tea they can't make it; but, bless you, I was that perlite as
I kep' a sayin' everything was beautiful, and I'm sure it's a wonder
as I wasn't choked for a-praisin' the 'ome-made bread, as was as
bitter as sut and as 'eavy as lead. I wouldn't have no words with
that old pepper-castor of a woman, for BnowN he said afore I started,
"Now, mind, if you goes there keep a civil tongue in your 'ead, or we
shall fall out, for I won't 'ave no family rows."
I 'ad a agreeable time enough with my dear gal, as said she was as


'appy as the day was long, and that JOHN made a good husband and
his mother's bark was wuss than her bite, as I don't see why she
should give way to neither myself, not bein' a dog, as is their natures
to; but I would not stand that old nuss a-rollin' and a-pinnin' that
infant up like a Grecian mummy; so we had words through mo
a-takin' and undressin' him afore her face, with a great yaller pin as
big as a jackass, as the sayin' is, right between his shoulders.
I got on pretty well for a week, though very near 'avir' words once
over a fowl as that old idjot would 'ave soaked in water afore bilin',
as I says, "You'd take every bit of goodness out on it," and as to
beef-tea, you never did see such rubbish, why she ain't no more idea
on it than a whale, as I says, "A-drowndin' a little bit of beef in
quarts of water, whereas," I says, "done in a jar is meat and drink
too; but she said as she didn't want no one to teach her; so I says
to 'LIZA, "My dear, let 'em give it to the pigs, for it's downright
slush," and if that old cat wasn't a-listenin'.
So I never spoke no more, though it did give me a turn to see
farming' men's breakfast, as was called little broth, and nothing but
stale bits of bread with boilin' water poured over and a lump of
kitchen stuff stirred up in it. They lives very 'ard them men, I must
say, with all them 'ours at work, and very often nothing to oat all
day but a bit of cold dumplin' enough to lay like lead in the consti-
tution, and washed down with cider as winegar is syrup to.
I likes the green fields certainly, though I don't think as ever I did
get such a fright as that bull give me a-comin' on him sudden, as I
did unawares, a-feedin' quiet down by the water-side, and me
a-walkin' there and a-goin' to pick a flower, and just as I was
a-stoopin' I heard him a-breathin' 'ard, and just then give a roar as
made me start into the brook; I rolled like a harrow from a bow.
The water wasn't deep, so I rushes through it to a field the other
side, as the bull couldn't follow through postes and wires, as I
scrambled over, and was just a-shakin' myself when I heerd a growl,
and if a great big dog didn't seize me by the skirt of my gownd. I
screamed ten thousand murders. Up comes a farmer with a fork in
his hand, as I naturally thought, to chastise the dog, but he hollars
at me like one of his native bulls, "What right 'ave you a-trespassin'
on my land ?" I says, "Why in course I've took refuge from that
bull, as is liable to devour me." So he says, "I won't have none of
your lot here." I says, "Who are you a-callin' a lot, you low-lived
chawbacon ?" He says, "Come, none of your sauce, but walk off,
or I'll pretty soon put you in the pound." I says, "I dare you to it.
You lay a finger on me and I'll tear your eyes out."
He says, "You're a nice brimstone, jest like the old spitfire as
you're a-stoppin' with." And then it comes over me as he must be
the farmer next door as MRS. MuooERIDGE had got a law-suit with
about a bit of land as them ignorant bumpkins is always a-wranglin'
over, and I'm sure there's plenty for 'em all, as seems to me regular
waste-ground like. But I'm- sure I should have the law of MRs.
M3ueGGEIinGE myself about something if I lived within ten miles on
her, let alone next door. So I rather give in and says, "Excuse me,
sir, as didn't mean no trespasses, but couldn't stop where that bull
was convenient," as seemed to bring him to reason, for he whistles his
dog and walks off, and I makes my way home, and only a little dry
mud, for the sun was that hot that my things was dried as I walked.
The afternoon afore I come 'ome we had tea on the lawn like,
through 'LIZA bein' quite strong, and a bit of carpet down for the
feet, and I must say it would have been wery agreeable all but for
my being all of a fidget like through something a-bitin' me till at
last I couldn't bear it no longer, and up I jumps, and mad I thought I
must have gone, and they says as it was arrestt bugs a-irritatin' me,
and persuaded me for to apply winegar, as seemed to scarify me.
If old MRS. MucGERIDGE didn't put me out, for she says, "Law,
to think of their a-bitin' you, why I should a-thought livin' in
London you was proof agin wermin." I says, "I may live in London
as is a place where clean ways will keep under any filth," I says, "as
them in the country's so used to as they don't notice," for I'm sure
that farmyard had a pool in the middle as it was downright dis-
graceful to let them ducks go near, and the pigs was always a-wallerin'
in. But the old woman she didn't make no answer, so it passed off,
and she begged me for to stay a day or two more, as I consented
through 'LIZA a-wishin' it and BRowN a-writin' as he must be at
Colchester another week, as is blasting something for to make it fire-
proof. So I was agreeable, never a-thinkin' as that old cat wanted
me to stop over the 'sizes for to be witness agin that next-door farmer,
as I refused downright. Whatever was it to me? I thought she
was mighty civil; but I spoke up at once, and let her know as she
needn't look to me for to bear no malice agin that man, though I felt
that dog's teeth for days, as it's a mercy it didn't turn to the hideand-
throby, as no doubt the water put a stop to, as it was well as I was
wet through, as turned it off.

A PEo POR A JoxKE.-When does a Greenwich pensioner make a
jest of his misfortunes ?-When he takes off his wooden leg.









32



~':~ ~'~'


FUlN.


[SEPTEMBER 29, 1866.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
i ii (Answer in our next.)
\ 1FAR o'er the wide Atlantic there's a leader,
I' 'l For anarchy against all rule a pleader.
I The country where so base a man holds station,
Siil You may imagine is a hapless nation.
So that it soon may better its condition,
r 'M May a fair lady have a prosperous mission.
1.
S' i The centre of a holy clime,
SMy towers and temples rose sublime;
S', The glory of an ancient time
S.To me belongs:

Si In comic songs.
2.
The waters had no fairer child,
S' By glen or piny mountain,
Until by human woe defiled,
i/ / She vanish'd in a fountain.
"fi' a ," 1, ^ s .


A FREAK OF NATURE.
Husband:-"THERE, MY DEAR, I'VE BROUGHT YOU A BRACE OF
PARTRIDGES; JUST SHOT 'EM."
Wife (inspecting thiem):-"WELL, JOHN, IT WAS TIME SOMEBODY DID
SHOOT THEM, FOR THEY WERE GETTING BATHER HIGH.'


Two mighty heroes bore a sounding name,
Equal in arms, in triumphs and in fame.
4.
Two northern Queens of neighboring domains,
One feared and mighty, one in shameful chains,
Are shown in me-I startle, thrill, excite,
And live through years of passion in a night.
5.
One great profession of Reform has need,
For on it parasitic insects feed,
Their placards with disgust we daily scan,
Proclaiming what a foolish thing is man.
6.
In happy old England you can't reach me yet,
Far nearer in summer than winter you get.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S ACROSTIC.
N Nicolai I
A Aim XYX
P Plump P
O Ozone E
L Leader It
B EFondi I
0 O-i-na A
N Nourmahal L
Answers Received to Sept. 21st.-None correct.


"Roley Poley, Gammon," etc.
THE writer of a dramatic critique in the Times, the other day, had
to make mention of a peculiar sort of pudding, familiar to the young,
and consisting of jam concealed in a convolution of paste, somewhat in
shape of a bolster. No doubt visions of the dear dish of his youth rose
before the writer's eye as he penned the sentence which referred to it,
and his hand trembled with emotion. The result was possibly that
his writing was not very legible at this point. When it came to be
set-up we can picture to ourselves a grave consultation of readers and
compositors as to the orthography of the unusual word. Was it
"rolly polly," or role poley Much was to be said on both sides,
no doubt. A said that the Frenchified form of bread one gets with
breakfast is spelt roll," but then B urged that as the word occurred
in a dramatic notice, it was probably a theatrical rile and should be so
spelt. The result of the "poll" was equally undecided. It was
urged by 0, who was a voter, that "poll" should be set-up, but D,
who was of a domestic turn, argued the "pole was the thing for a
stir-about, and so why not for a pudding. It was finally decided that
Srolly polly was correct, but we venture to question the decision.
We should spell it "roley policy "-but then, after all, the proof of a
pudding is in the eating.


Notes for Querists.
"WIBE-AWARE."-Certainly. If you throw your hat at a man the
article necessarily becomes a project-iile.
STUDENT AT LAW.-It is necessary to get a stamped receipt after
paying the sides of a vessel.
- MuEDIco.- We quite agree with you that a man with a broken nose
would do well to carry it for a time in a gin sling.


Syntax in the Saddle.
WE cannot believe the current rumour that HER MAJESTY edits that
wonderful Court Circular which tells us all about her daily doings at
home; indeed, we rather wish that she would take the matter in hand,
for then we might feel sure that her own English would be properly
respected. The other day, we read this interesting but carelessly
worded announcement:-
The Queen, accompanied by PRINxcESS CHRISTIAN, rode on ponies yesterday
morning, in the mnighbourhood of the Castle."
The actual fact being that the Royal lady rode on a pony, and not, as
stated, on ponies. It would have been quite correct to say that the
Queen and Princess rode on ponies; but we have it on the best
authority that the two ladies had only one pony apiece. It is lament-
able that the state of our language at Court should cause a public mis-
statement of so important a fact, and should lead credulous persons
into the error of supposing either that HER MAJESTY performs the
equestrian feat known in old Astleian days as the journey of the
" Courier of St. Petersburg," or that her morning rides are such
prolonged and arduous affairs that she requires a change of ponies
on the road.

Honi Soit!
SINCE LORD DERBY's elevation to office he has had the disposal of a
pair of Garters. This will enable him to clear off some of the obliga-
tion his party hose to its supporters.

ART QUERY.
"AN Italian Image" writes to inquire whether a cast from a marble
may be described as a stone's throw.









SEPTEMBER 29, 1866.]


FUN.


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN.

No. 1.-" DETUR PULCHRIORI."
THE goddess of Discord, so we're told,
At the wedding of PELEUS cast a shade,
By throwing the women an apple of gold,
Directed, A gift to the fairest maid."
"The office of judge no god shall fill,"
Thus JUPITER spoke, and we all know how
The ladies were rang'd upon IDA'S hill,
For Paris to settle the family row.
A nineteenth-century strife might rise,
And tongues of enthusiasts wag with rage,
By promising flowers for the sweetest eyes
And the fairest face on the London stage.
Supposing an umpire were doom'd to-day
To settle of rival claims a score,
What wonder if SOLOMON's best bouquet
Were flung at the feet of LouIsA MOORE ?

No. 2.-FLAMMA REDIVIVA.
ONE recollects Lyceum days,
And calls on THESPIS to restore them,
When PLANcmH wrote the fairy plays,
And CHARLEY MATHEWS played before them.
One has not quite forgotten yet,
And who is likely to forget a
Most charming girl with eyes of jet,
Who graced each smart comedietta ?
The'years that come and go so fast,
O'er women's faces pass so lightly,
That we get stupefied at last,
And comprehend Time's frolics slightly.
Last week, I'm sure I was awake,
When in a playhouse small but natty,
I saw The Lady of the Lake
Beatified by pretty PATTY.


WORKING WITH HOG-HAIRS.
BROTHER BRUSHES, iEWARBE!
This is what happened to Prynme Whyte's picture. P. TW. having finished it to his complete
satisfaction, is seen enjoying a quiet pipe in the background.


AN INTELLECTUAL FE'A'ST;
OI,
FOUR HOURS WITH BILBERRY.
HE is my bosom-friend; the kindest creature in the wide world, and
the most brilliant conversationalist in the great metropolis. Fancy
my emotion-my rapture-when I heard BILBERRY'S knock at the
outer door of my solitary chambers last night. I flew to open it.
It was near midnight, and I think I had been to the play. Perhaps
I had met a genial acquaintance at the play; or perhaps I had been
taken thirsty between the acts. Anyhow, there I was; very sleepy
indeed, but of course happy to see BILBERRY, and hear him talk to me.
Which he did. Exactly as the clock-some clock or other-was in
the middle of striking twelve (I thought it was twenty-four, but I
have since discovered my ignorance and folly) I was entreated by
BILBERRY to tell him what I thought of KANT.
Can't say," I replied; my eyes were shut, but my mind was open,
wide open. -...
Dread silence reigned around until about a quarter past midnight;
then I gave my arm-chair up to i:ILBERRY and threw myself upon the
sofa. Downy sleep, Death's counterfeit, came down upon me with a
run. The accents of BILBERRY reached me from an immeasurable
distance; his nose was as sharp as a pen, and he babbled of green
fields. I hate fields that are green; the monotony of the emerald
grass should be relieved by the topaz of the dandelion (Taraxacum
simplex). Some people go and lie down in fields. Let 'em do it; but
I don't like the grasshopper. As for the shrill cicala, people of the
pine!
I woke at five minutes past one from a feverish dream and found
BrILEERRY still at it. "Was it at Marengo that MARSHAL DESSAIX
received a mortal wound ? "
"Dessay it was," I replied, brightening up for the occasion. Then
I relapsed again into the calm slumber of the crissom child.
The leaden hours walked on; it was now ten minutes to three.
Methought I sat upon a lofty rock in the island of Sark, fishing for
barbel with a long bit of cotton, a bent pin, and a worm. An
individual of majestic appearance came up; he was a pilot by profes-
sion. Go down, go down," the Pilot cried. This is no place for
thee!" Bat I told him that I should stop there as long as I jolly
pleased. He was angry,',but._Ildidn't care for that; so I went on


fishing for a quarter of a century, and then I caught' a barbel. I
looked at its face for a moment and burst out laughing; for, lo and
behold! it was the very image of BILBnRRY. "Where be your gibes
now?" I asked, but the barbel only laughed and wagged its little
fins. I couldn't bear to eat him after that, so I throw him into the
blue, the fresh, the ever free; and he went away and I never saw
him again. That was my dream, as far as I can recollect it.
I awoke unrefreshed; Bilberry was still at it. The clock struck
four; he took no note of time but by its loss.
"Don't go yet," I murmured with a gape.
"Well, I won't," said BILBERRY; and he poured himself out
another glass of whisky-and-water. The national debt was our next
subject of conversation, it brought him out splendidly. In the
intervals of balmy sleep (Death's counterfeit) I listened eagerly.
If you'd like to go, BILBERRY, don't let any false notion of delicacy
interfere with our parting. Man requires a certain amount of sleep,
and I wouldn't shatter your precious health if I "
At this moment the arms of Morpheus opened, and I jumped smack
into them. Methought I was riding slowly along beneath the battle-
ments of a Moorish castle, when a female of surpassing loveliness put
her head out of a window, and called me a Paladin. Just as I was
saying to myself, "Shall I undeceive her or not ?" a tall man, who
had a blue beard and carried a scimitar in the other hand, seized the
lady by her back-hair saying, Time's up! I was frightened, and
made the best of my way back to Holborn.
When I awoke BILBERRY was gone. The table stood in its own
old place; the pianoforte had not moved a pedal; the pictures looked
at mpe and smiled; but BILBERRY was gone for ever!

Peelers and Fleecers.
WE learn from the following paragraph that in intelligence and
prudence, the Levantine police are far behind their British brethren :-
A midshipman belonging to II.M.S. Victoria, moored in the roadstead of Zante,
being on shore, and having lost himself in the night, applied to a police agent to
guide him to the shore. The man, instead of doing so, led him into an ambush,
where he was robbed; fortunately, he had not much money about him. Among
the thieves were two other members of the police force."
One of our gallant fellows would have known better than to admit
two partners into the spec-least of all two who were policemen.










FUN.


[SEPTEMBER 29, 1866.


THE INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION AT THE
AGRICULTURAL HALL.
ROME was not built in a day, and probably the Agricultural Hall
tbok some weeks in its erecting. It is not, therefore, to be expected
that Working Men's Exhibitions should have come to perfection at
one stride. The idea of anything of the sort, not quite a generation
ago, would have been laughed at no less, possibly, by the working men
themselves than by anybody. But the class has moved onward, and a
sign not only of the progress it has made, but of the progress it is
capable of making, is to be found in the quickness with which the in-
dividuals constituting it have seen-and done-what was necessary to
make Industrial Exhibitions worthy of a place among our institutions.
The present exhibition is by far the best of all that have yet taken
place, and the prudence and wisdom which characterise all its arrange-
ments, give a guarantee that it will be a success from the pecuniary-
and practical-point of view. MR. CONINGSnY, who snoered at the
early exhibitions (and who started an Anglo-French one quite as
childish and unsuccessful as the worst of them), will, perhaps, under
the altered view he now takes of his fellow-workers, not be inclined to
carp at the Islington show. But it would puzzle him to find out a fair
ground for doing so. The superficial observer may consider that the
number of mechanical and useful inventions is rather a "baw," but a
thoughtful mind will rejoice to see that objects of this kind have
superseded the knick-nacks which had the lion's share in the early
days of the movement.
Fux rejoices to see his good friends, the working-men, thus giving
at the Agricultural Hall, for a second time within a brief period, con-
clusive proof of the intelligence, love of order, industry, and perse-
verance, in which their enemies, even, can only make believe to think
them wanting.

Way! Woa!
A LXDY of our acquaintance, who is a bit of a blue, always calls the
little memorandum that her butcher sends in with the meat, recording
how many pounds it is, Pencillings by the Weigh."

"MoURNrUL NuMnEns."-The penny weekly issue of romances
about highwaymen and robbers.


J. C., Ireland, will see on reflection why we decline the proposed series.
B. is a hum.
W. M., Belfast.-Thanks ; the lines which you forward in a cutting from
the Family Herald were "lifted by R. D. from FUN of January 27th.
W. IW., Cardiff.-Your Stocks must suffer from a decline.
A. B. C., Asinmeum Club.-As for that joke about "feeted we can only
say 0-let it alone."
C. C. T.- e agree with you; but had we agreed with your friend could
not have inserted the lines, as they are too friendly.
A. H. B., Maida-hill.-Of course it did! It nearly made us ill too, it
was so bad a pun.
"UNVARNISHED POETRY" is a sort of thing we polish off rather
rapidly.
OWEN GLENDOWER.--Owen costs us the pa(y)in' of refusal.
RUTH.- don'tt consider us Ruthless if you are not inserted.
D. 0., 1' ti-street.-We are very sorry we cannot satisfy your "burning
desire to wxai te for u-i" any better than by letting what you write burn too.
H. R.-Thanks; but it has been anticipated.
E. L., Salisbury-street.-The lines don't flow as smoothly as the river to
which they are written.
VIATOR, funnily enough, doesn't seem to have read his FUN.
J. W. E., Ramsgate.-Pardon. Now you're answered.
J. J. D., Dundee.-A stamped directed envelope should accompany all
communications whose return is requested. Otherwise waste-paper basket!
A MEAN CAPACITY.-Not likely to become even a Menial Capacity, for
the lines 'ire of no service.
S. G., Forest-hill.-We remember having heard about "standing on
ceremonies and sitting on forms far back in the early ETons, when The
Truthful and the Beautiful were One.
2 Y L.-You chose the signature yourself, so we can't help it if some
Cockney fancies your contribution was too wile."
WV. J. F., Glasgow.-We are open to suggestions.
Declined with thanks-Fra Diavolo; A Beginner; H. B. W. ; Daleth;
Tocsin; Quiz, Luton; Lord Lyon; T. S., Leeds; A. J. B., Malvern;
G. J., Guildford; F., Boulogne-sur-Mer; J. N., King's-cross; S. F. B.;
G. C. M., Euston-road; H. S. R.; A. L., Manchester; De Gustibus;
Wimbledon; E. C.; Kingston; Ardi; Original Sallie; 'Er 'Arry;
X. X.; Louise; R. I. P., Liverpool; X. E. ; S.; C. J. H.; F. W. C.
Manchester; J. H., Congleton; H. D. C., DeBeauvoir; Felina; J. E. N.
Bow; D. H. W., Wimbledon; J. T.


London: Printed by JUD-D & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Co-umons. and I'ublishied (for the proprietors ) by THOMAS BAKER,
at SO, Fleet-street, E.O.-Saturday, S -preomber '9, ISi6.








FFUN.


&%ofnn lath.
BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
ING DULNESS is
on his throne!
The dead season-
idiomatically ren-
dered by an ele-
gant writer in the
Pall Mall as la
N 9 senortte saison-has
set in with uan-
I p mitigated severity.
w/-a ot } I can read the
signs of the Timtes,
S and I'm sure of
Sj 2 i" '.- it. You knowthe
Times is very like
I p one of those Dutch
SIe's h weather indica-
vie tors, in which the
appearance of an
old woman outside
-'-a sandpaper villa
prognosticates wet
weather-that ot an old gentleman fine weather. A certain sign
of the opening of the dead season in the times is the appearance of the
Unconscious Solecist, who on the withdrawal of the high-season
editor issues from Printing-house-square all sorts of inaccuracies.
Here's his latest :-The Times of Monday week gravely assured us that
a commission from the Board of Trade was to visit Liverpool with a
view to inquiring into fog-signals, &e., "with the object of preventing
the numerous wrecks which have taken place, especially on the Irish
coast." Well, the Irish coast is the place for the indigenous bull, and
we, therefore, find it hard to believe that the Board of Trade is going
to follow the steps of the Admiralty and spend vast sums of public
money to remedy calamities that are irretrievably past.
I HAVE received a set of photographs by H. and C. BARNARD, be-
longing to a series of views of the Thames, from Oxford to the Nore.
They are really excellent pictures, taken from points artistically
chosen, and will be very welcome to all who love our noble river,
either for piscatorial or aquatic reasons. The views about Maidenhead
and Cliefden are really beautiful, and the series when complete will be
an interesting history of the Thames "from his cradle to his grave."
THE long-talked-of Belgravia does not appear in altogether smooth
water. The proprietors of London Society claim to have registered the
title years ago, and are bringing out a Belgravia to vindicate their
title. After all, the name is not the best in the world, and the new
venture should try to get something startling. It would be unfair to
criticise the London Society Belqravia, as it is evidently got out in a
hurry to bring the question to trial.
THE new volume of poems Religio Anime, by A. B, RIOHARDn, is
welcome. There is great originality of thought and expression about
it. Some bits here and there rise to the level of true poetry. I have
no space to quote or I could give a dozen illustrations that would
bring plenty of proof of this.
Toutn Councils seem to be flourishing just now. A report of a
stormy meeting at Brighton has been rapidly followed by the account
of a similar tempest at Weston-super-Mare. I have no space to discuss
the style of logic usually appealed to in this case; the formula is
generally You said I was no gentleman. I say you're no gentleman.
I consider myself insulted." By a judicious distribution of these
sentences the provincial papers could in most instances give pretty
accurate reports of the meetings without taking notes.
YE gentlemen of England-and ladies too-how little do you think
upon the labours which about this time are expended on the books
that are to amuse and delight you at Christmas. I hear rare news of
splendid volumes which are to make their appearance shortly. Next
week I will attempt to let my readers have a peep behind the curtain
to see what is being done for them in this way.
THE Perthshire Advertiser has brought to light a fresh instance of
the way in which the Literary Fund pensions are misapplied. They
have been conferred on the widows of Indian officers and of court
functionaries, on obscure scribblers and local "poets." One would
like to know if the case we quote from the Perth paper is to be added
to the list. That journal states that there is a retired military officer
who owns an estate near the Bridge of Allan, and whose name appears
on the title-page of one solitary volume:
Will it be credited that this wealthy landed proprietor and small author has
recently bh en put upon the literary pension list for 100 a-year. lie has his half-
pay, and he has an estate the value of which cannot be under 2,000 a-year, and
yet from the few hundreds of pounds set apart by this great nation for the poverty-
stricken in the literary ranks he runs away with a hundred a-year."


Who is responsible for these misdirections of the fund ? I should
recommend that a pension be conferred on the writer of a poem which
got the prize at an Aberystwith Eisteddfod, and which has been
recently published. Here are a few samples done into English culled
from a review in the Oswestry Advertiser :
The army in fear of his manteuvres fled
In the absence of an arm they were thankful for a leg."
When he called with his voice their name,
Long the echo played within their ribs."
sigh ascends up to the heavenly hind
From an empty heart, in the shape of the letter 0."
Oh, indeed That's about the sighs is it ?


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(Anstwer in our next.)
THE power men wield from man's known lust of gold,
When honesty is bought and freedom sld,
Is strong among us, to the land's disgrace.
And many a witness, with a brazen face,
Comes up to the thibunal, glad to say
The time, the place, who bought him, and tho pay.

1.
A glorious privilege was hers to see
The Grecian youth at games which PINDAnI sang,
And gave their struggles immortality,
So clear and beautiful his strains out rang.
2.
The flow'rets die when comes the autumn front,
Their smile on glade and upland sadly lost;
And yet one man preserves them for us still,
Their special essence fragrant at his will.
3.
MONSIEURa GoUNOD did write
An opera bright
To a Frenchified scriptural story i
So we've tried another,
That's better than t'other,
And sung by SIMs ltREEVEs con amIore.
4.
He gazes on his study wall,
And sees in order one and all,
His friends no years can alter;
An Elzevir, in gallant gear,
A Missal, with old pictures queer,
And venerable Psalter.
5.
Sur le bord de la mer, hero a pleasant timoepasses,
The mer being Poluphloisboio Thallasses!
6.
There's a bridge in a city amid the lagoons,
A city of gondolas, sonnets, and moons.
7.
Spring, Summer, Autumn, so the seasons pass,
With eager flight,
Shadows that chase each other in a glass,
Now dark, now bright.

ANaWER TO LAST WyE-I's AetOSTIC.
3' Jerusalem XM
U Undino E
A Ajax X
Itistori I
E Empiric C
Z Zero 0


Answers Received to 28th. Sept.-Correct.-TI. D. C. F., Twickenham ;
Tommy Traddles; Broma Pesada; W. If. I. ; Ruby; S. M. ;
CEdipus of Moorghat Street; B. mrn.; S. C. G.; J. C. M.; II. E. P. J.;
Millbrook Cottage; C. E. Mi. ; EtSimrous; W. X. B.; Sabrina; Dandeleo
Giganticus; Pompadour; led-brelhren ; W. C.; Le coup perd ; Sam;
H. E. G. ; Gemini; Aladdin; It. S. ; Sixty-Six; Terminus; J. tand
G. F. ; Polijano; J. R., Woolwich; Austin; II. J. C. K. W.; Gnostic;
Quilldriver; M. T.; Cover; B. T. M.; C. D. ; A. W.; Barbel;
Carlton Place; W. G.; J. 0. P.; A do M. and Griggs; E. S.;
J. E. N.; G. S. ; Jackson; W. E. S. ; H. A. N. ; Affidavit; Mirth;
The Bishop; G. T. K.; D. McN.; J. K.; Phil-H1dlno ; C. D.; M. G.


VOL. IV. Tn


OCTOBER 6, 1866.]








3G F [OCTOBER 6, 1866.


-- ARMA VIRUMQUE CANO(E).
As I lie in my drowsy morning dream,
Beneath the window there comes a stream
N/ Of troublesome wretches, a noisy crew,
Who sing me, "Paddle your own canoe!"
....__ _____I turn on my side, and to sleep I try,

And ELIZABETH MARTIN; whatever I do,
They bid me paddle my own canoe.
Or if, by hap-hazard, I get a wink,
My dreams are troubled, I'm sure to think
SThat I'm turned to an Indian or Zulu,
And doomed to paddle my own canoe.
I've no objections on general grounds,
To London cries and discordant sounds
rBut 'tis fearful to think can the song come true,
And find me paddling my own canoe?
I need not observe that I do not bless
The singers who cause me such distress,
And had I the power to catch a few,
I'd wallop each man with his own canoe.
There's nought so unpleasant in all the world,
As advice-for-nothing when at you hurled,
And I'm hanged if I do it at all-would you
E'er think of paddling your own canoe ?
I wish they were paddling over the Styx,
And going to the baking like so many bricks,
With Charon to guide them all thereto,
Who'll paddle them well in his own canoe!


Crass and Cross.
WE understand that MR. WHALLEY, M.P. for Peter-
borough, is engaged in prosecuting inquiries at Scotland
Yard into "the Romanistic practices" of members of
-' ethe police force. The honourable gentleman has been
s assured, on good authority, that the constables sta-
tioned at Regent Circus, and other places where the
AFrLOAT AND ASHORE. crowd of vehicles is great, have been seen assisting
ladies and infirm people over the road, and actually
Ancient -Mariner :-1" AIN'T BEEN ON THE WATER! THAT'S 'cos YOU'RE crossing themselves at the same time. We are glad
AFRAID O' BEIN' ILL, BUT YE WEARS OUT THE BOAT JEST THE SAME ON THE to hear Mn. WHALLEY is making himself as useful as
SANDS, SO I CHARGES THE SAME!" ever!


FROM OUR STALL. good-hearted Foreman of Engineers with high finish and feeling. He
PR. BOUCICAULT's new drama of The laZo Strike is a success at the is evidently an actor to be made welcome to the London stage. He is
em ncitalds ino teaaen of the ogStrtie nameo Mat comely of feature, mellow of voice, and his bearing is manly, without
Lyceum, notwithstanding the absence the e attractive name of b. being in the least obtrusive. MR. EvANs and AIR. ANDeEnws also
FChTER from the cas the t characters. It would appear to be a deserve honourable mention, as does M. REYNOLDS-an actor in whom
maxim with MRa. BOUcy AULT, when he wishes one of hiysplay toi
enjo axi wlogr, MRto abo ls the n m ge wichr nters athonear i k play ct FUN delighted in a small part in Arrah-na-Pogue-and who, in The
eejoy a long run, to abolish the manager. He enters a theatre ike a .Long Strike, plays a "hand," and talks and looks as if he had that
moment been taken out of a Manchester factory. It is so easy to be
meaning the manager-and he is obeyed; and his drama runs three stilted, it is so difficult to be natural ;-and one actor like MR.
hundred nights. The situations of The Laong Strike are artfully con- REYNOLS compensates us for a dozen growling tragedians. We must
tried, and the incidents are well put together. The first three acts Oll t M E ard But the ci w o so in the aptodua n
arean ellent i every respecting, and highly interesting. The fourthn for his acting, as a good-hearted, irritable lawyer, in the famous tle-
act differs from its predecessors in the fact of being uninteresting inra raph scene. So a v bless ed even a oundcriUiconse
the extreme, and as bungling a piece of work as ever brought down im. BovcICAULT to re-write the fourth act, and to make it in every
the curtain at a minor theatre. The fastidious might object to the possible respect unlike the one performed on Saturday week.
extreme modern realism behind the footlights being set to music, foreile r ite on eror e ntu ee
the orchestra plays almost incessantly throughout the drama; but for
FUN's part, he does not object to that. It is pleasant to speak in theGe TeM n rTIC
highest terms of the acting. The chief honours are due to MR. EMERY, GENTLEMANLY CRITICIS .
as one Noah Learoyd-a specimen of a "mill-hand," as true to life, IT is but rarely that the Pall Mall Gazette stoops to theatrical
and as clear, distinct, and perceptible a characterization as if it had criticism. Occasionally it condescends to take, fromits pinnacle, a kind
been sculptured in prose by the hand that wrote Adam Bede. AMR. of bird's-eye view of the dramatic literature of the day; and when it
EMERtY's expression of eyes, his manner, and his dialect are studies for does this, it assumes a curious tone of elevated banter, such as MR.
a painter or an author. He looks a Lear of humble life-a real CHARLES DICKENS might fitly employ if he set to work to criticise
specimen of the Lancashire artisan, with all his splendid scorn of Old Mother Hubbard. But the Palt Mallt has seen, in the production
meanness, grand endurance, fine impulses, and power of lashing him- Of Ma. RoBERTSON'S comedy, an occasion to warrant it in descending
self into ungovernable frenzy :-the legitimate great-great-grandson not only to an analysis of the play, but even to a criticism on the
of the English bowman and yeoman, whom, with all his faults, and manner in which it is performed. Of the writer's remarks on the
they are many, FUN would not exchange for a thousand supple French- piece we have nothing to say except that as there are excellent English
men, or wool-gathering Germans. MRcs. BOUCIcAULT, as Jane Lea- equivalents for morte aaison," "Abe societld," mots," "en revan ee,"
royd, is charming-but that she cannot help. MaR. DION BOUClCAULT inutinerie," and "jeune premier," we presume that these words are
(" Phoebus! What a name! ") plays Miles-na-Coppaleen and Shawn- introduced in their native French in order to give the necessary Pall
the-Post turned sailor, it need hardly be said, with his usual ndivetd Mall tone to the article. But the criticism on the actors and
and pathos. MEL. CowIER, a new face to this end of London, plays a actresses is not merely faulty or in bad taste-it is simply a con-










OCTOBER 6, 1866.]


FTJTN. 37


1. Mr. .Dublin Stout, who has been much "tied down" to work, finds 8. ITe is much re-douched-in fqure.
hmnself done up." 9. 0 would this life were all creaky! "
2. fHe goes to _lIalvern and consults the famous Dr. Doubleyew. 10. IHe practises at the bar (horizontal).
3. Who prescribes these baths and tortures. 11. A lad in a wonderful lamp.
4. .ir. Stout courts an appetite. 12. He packs.
5. He gets one 13. He packs up.
6. He drinks the waters. 'Tis well! 14. He returns to towni-restored to health an I the bosam (f his family.
7. He is douched.

temptible piece of ill-bred impertinence. What do our readers think Pall Mall critic on Mn. BANCIoFT and Mi. RAY are utterly unfeeling
of the subjoined commentary on the acting of MR. RAY, Ma. BAN- and grossly snobbish. With the accuracy, rinaccuracy of the writer's
CaoFTr, Miss WILTON, and Miss LOUISA MooRE ? opinions on dramatic subjects we have nothing to do ; but if criticism
Sir Alexander Shendryn's progenitors were, perhaps, grocers in a small way, of the description we have quoted is to be fairly applied to the luolt
and Angus MeAlister may have wielded the yard measure before he wore her complete and most accomplished theatrical company in London, what
Majesty's uniform; but en revanche IMs Wilton is sparkling stith mtuiuerie, and remains to be said of the Haymarket, Ad..lphi, and Strand theatres
Miss Louisa Moore reiterates her clai to be the prettiest blonde on the London n it comes to their turn
boards." when it comes to their turn


It is really difficult to say whether the insult to Mn. RAY and MR.
PANciRoF'r, or that to Miss MootE is more offensive. Next comes the
following gentlemanly remark on Ma. CLARKE's performance:-
The brewer complains that all his aspirations are anticipated. If Mr. Clarke
would try and bring some of his own aspirations in here and there we should be
under a still greater obligation to him."
The writer then goes back to Mit. BAwncoFT, and gives us this
considerate commentaryon that gentleman's representation of Angus:-
But surely some representative might be found for this theatre of the part
which is inevitable in any comedy, the jeune premier: which means more than our
' walking gentleman." We forget the gentleman's name who takes the part of
.IcAlister, but he really has no control over his legs, and far too much over his
heart, and as he seems to resort to his moustaches for what little sentiment lie
thinks necessary, the sooner he enlists the better for the stage generally and Mr.
Rloblerton's comedy in particular. We have seen ensigns who looked uncommonly
like McAlister, but they were hanging about billiard-rooms in a cathedral town,
and had probably obtained a commission after serving in the militia."
This is hard upon the militia, who are very bad soldiers, but un-
commonly good gentlemen. It is, however, much harder upon MR.
BANCROFT, and if M1. BANCROFT were to call at the Pall .Mall office
and give the "dramatic critic" a sound thrashing we think that
public sympathy would be on the side of MR. BANcuorT.
We are far from advocating the indiscriminate praise which is
usually lavished by dramatic critics upon theatrical performance, but
surely even the Pall Mall might hit upon some judicious mean between
fulsome compliment and unredeemed insolence. The remarks of the


JACK CASTS HIS SHELL.
BELAY with yer arguments, 'national law,
Reconstruction and noospaper letters !
We're game for a hornpipe, but oceans of jaw
Won't induce us to dance it in fetters.
What's the good of them Navy Commissioners' tealr,
And the seven-inch plating and models,
When a Palliser's able to spring you a leak,
Though their armour's as Ihick as their noddles ?
D'ye think behind plotting we're willing to skulk,
Which them Parliament lubliers delight in ?
Give us Palliser guns on an old w.iodii huIilk-
You may trust to us salts for the fiiihtin'.
Let who will cast a shell, why, I'll stand to my gun,
But I'll cast my own first, without fail, boys-
For we take off our jackets when work's to he done,
And that they'll take off theirs, I'll go bail, boys!
Our muscles are iron-our courage is steel,
And its temper's been pretty well tried, boys-
Keep the oak to the weather-it's used to the feel-
Never fear, there'll be iron inside boys!









38 FU N [OCTOBER 6, 1866.


MRS. BROWN ON TAKING THE PLEDGE.
I'm sure when the gentleman come in I hadn't no more idea of his
business than the babe unborn, and says quite perlite as I hoped he'd
take a chair, though I see he 'adn't wiped his boots clean, for though
the day was dry them watercarts makes the roads a downright deluge
or else dust by the cloud a-smotherin' everything. He says, "Excuse
me, mum, but what denomination do you belong to ?"
Well, of course, I'm not no scholar, and don't know Latin nor
French; but I says, Are you a medicinal ?" a-thinkin' as he'd come
about the drains, as is to be looked into nowadays. He says, "No;
but my visit is about your health. "
I says, "Thank you, it's pretty good, though always a cough, as is
constitutional in my family through both aunts and mother." "Ah !"
he says, "no doubt from the use of alcohol."
I says, I never would allow such a thing in my house a-thinkin'
as he meant witriol and them burning' things as is highly dangerous,
as give our JOE a witloe when only five, a-pullin' the cup over, as I'd
got for to clean my coppers, and his pinafore tinder from head to foot.
He says, "You are right; for," he says, "them speritous drinks
brings death and distraction everywhere, and glad I am to meet a
lady like you, as is a ornament to your sect, a-settin' your face agin
them."
I says, "If you means by speritous drinks a little something for to
keep the constitution a-goin', I'm one as takes that regular, though,"
I says, some 'as dared for to say as I'm fond of a drop, as is a base
falsity, and I'll make 'em prove their words," illudin' to Mus. Orxmsp
as lives opposite, as is a slanderous old cat, though she may be at her
chapel twice in the week and three times a-Sunday. So he says,
"I've called for to ask if you'd sign this petition for to forbid the sale
of all fomented liquors."
"Well," I says, "they didn't ought to sell nothing a-fomentin' in
course, as isn't wholesome." You are right," he says, "they're
death. Look at me. I'm sixty-three, never 'as a day's illness nor
wears a great coat summer nor winter, and sleeps with my winder
open all the year round."
"Then," I says, "mark my words, you'll be as deaf as a post
werry soon, for our gal lost her 'earin' by that alone." He says, "I
expects to live to be a hundred and twenty, as is man's life when not
destroyed by ardent sperrits."
Well," says, "a nice noosance you'll be to everybody, as'll wish
you buried morning noon, and night." I couldn't hardlyy keep my
countenance, for he was a poor little shrimp of a thing, with regular
spindle-shanks and a nose as red, as showed tipplin' 'abits though
pr'aps give up.
So he keeps on a good deal of rubbish about his healthh and a-pre-
servin' of his youth till I lost all patience with such foolishness. At
last I says, "Do you ever look in the glass P" He says, "Not for
vanity, but for shavin'."
"Well, then," I says, "you must see what a little wizened farden-
faced creetur you are; and, depend on it, if ever you're took with a
bad illness you'll never lay long." I says, "Why you're a-dryin' up
hourly that's what you're a-doin'; and if you belonged to me it's a
good pint of stout you should 'ave with each meal and a glass of some-
thing hot afore going' to bed." He says, "Death! death! "
"Rubbish !" i says; it's life if taken in moderation; and I ought
to know, for I've brought up a family, and know'd others as has done
the same on moderate eating' and drinking' ; pr'aps I may have done
sich a thing as take a drop too much once or twice in my life, as was
perfect accident; but as to a woman as drinks I'd lock her up the
same as MIns. SANDHILL, as was never sober, nor yet the husbandd
neither, and all come on through trouble, as people will fly to it, and
only makes things wuss." So the little gentleman he set there
a-snifin' and twitchin' his face about, as made me think the water 'ad
got into his head, and says, "I 'ope you'll sign the petition."
I says, "What's it about? P" "Why," he says, "to prevent the
sale of all intoxicatin' drinks throughout the kingdom."
"What!" I says, "shet up all the public-'ouses, why it will ruin
thousands and my own fust cousin into the bargain." He says,
"Think of the public good."
I says, "The public good indeed, you means the public 'arm! Why
you must be a escaped ragin' lunatic to talk so. Why, there'd be a
revolution, with QUEEN WicroniA herself at the 'cad of it, for I'm
sure she's not one as would object to any one a-takin' a glass as
requires it." "Ahl! he says, "them as is in high places did ought
to set a better example."
I says, "None of your 'umbug," for I got downright wild, ,I says,
"a-comin' hero a-talkin' about shottin' up all the public-'ouses.
Wherever is the working' man to get his drop of beer or even a glass
of something, as he requires with hard labour in the wet and cold."
He says, Water is better for him."
I says, "Look here, I tell you what it is, a parcel of fellows as has
drunk theirselves half-mad, turns over a new leaf all of a sudden, and
goes in for water, as no doubt they requires to dilate all the sperrits


as they've swallered, and then they goes about a-talkin' to other
parties as 'as been only moderate, and wants them to take the pledge ;
and I tell you what it is, you look out as you never breaks it, for if
yo'i do, drink ain't the word as will describe you, for I know'd a party
as were a uncommon free-liver, as fine a man as ever drawed breath,
though overtook in liquor every day. Well, all of a-sudden he pulled
up and turned total abstainer, as they calls it, and so went on for
pretty nigh two years, and then broke out again wuss nor ever; why,
that man would, drink raw rum out of a pint-pot till his eyes was
flames of fire and his head a glowia' furnace. To hear him rave and
break things was awful, as they was obligated to take to the infirmary
by force in delirious trimblings, after triyin' to murder the family and
run his own 'ead through the shelters, as was 'ow they come to get
him under." So I says, You look out, for he never come round till
at death's door, and was sorry for it too late, as is better than bein'
hardenedd to the last."
If you'd seen that old weazel's face you'd 'ave laughed, for he got
a bluish red and fidgeted till I thought he'd have slipped off the
chair. At last up he gets and says, "I see, mum, as you're one of
them as will hot hear a word in season, so I wish you a good day," and
eff he goet in a huff.
A day or two afterward in comes Mas. AMDEN a-laughin' like mad,
and says, He's been with you I hear." I says, Whoever do you
mean P"
"Why," she says, "that snivellin' old cantin' 'umbug, old
UGGINS." I says, I don't know him."
"Yes," she says, "the old 'totaler as is a-goin' to put down all
the public-'ouses." I says, "In course I remembers. He come here
with a petition agin them, and I sent him off with a flea in his ear,
as the sayin' is."
You may well say that," says she, "for if you didn't tell him his
own story. Why he's been mad through drink twice; but he'll never
forgive you, for he says you insulted him frightful; but the best of
it is as he was owner of two public-'ouses, as he's just sold, and then
found out as they was dens of infamy; but the truth is it's all his
wife as he lives in mortal dread on, as is a regular brimstone. But,"
says Mas. AMDeN, "I do think as you did ought to stop his mouth,
for he's a-goin' about everywhere a-sayin' as you're a coarse old
woman, fond of drink, as he can prove through a-hearin' about your
going's on."
I says, MR s. AmsMa, mum, I don't care a brass farden what him
or others may say. I knows myself a deal too well for to indulge in
intoxication, as is degrading to a man but downright wallerin' in a
female. I can take a drop in season, as the saying' is, but I defy any
one to prove as I'm one to get the wuss for what I takes, though with
my poor 'ead I'm apt for to be a little bit confused, partikler in a

strange place, as is always confusion My ways is simple. I always
has a pint of fourpenny with my dinner and a pint at supper, as I
never finishes through a-thinkin' of the gal, and always leaves her
a good glass through known' as BnowN wouldn't be 'appy over his
pipe if 1 didn't take a little something warm with him, and you knows
my tumbler, as is three to the pint, for I've measured it, and never
once in a month takes more than one and a half when it's a bitter
night, and never finished half-a-pint of sperrits between us any time
with the snow on the ground. So as to any one a-sayin' as I'm a
woman to drink they must be fools or wuss; not as I denies when
out in company that I can make one to a friendly drop, or pr'aps in
hot weather, but any one as can say as they've seen me in liquor, let
them come face to face and 'ave it out. As to Mits. OpCiNs opposite,
I'll'ave the law on her, as is a nice party to speak, for last Boxin'-day
if she wasn't led home between two peelers, and then come out and
danced in her front garden in her night-jacket, as brought a crowd
round downright disgraceful, and as to sayin' as she see me come
'ome tight from Rosherwille, it's as big a falsity as ever were told."


TO A FALSE ONE.
SING on-sing on, I do not heed-
My heart is filled with pain;
Deceiver-false for paltry greed,
I will not trust again.
Nay, do not seek to win a smile-
I prize not thy caress;
I will not hate thee for thy guile-
But I must love thee less.
False, fleeting, perjured, paltry thing,
Thus-thus I curse thee-Drat!
You went and stole that liver-wing,
You nasty greedy cat.

THE FAvT FAMILY.-The STOCKWELI.S.







F JU 1S N.-OCTOBER 6, 1866.


K

N>



-~


JACK SHELLS OUT!
Let who will cast a shell, why, I'll stand to my gun, For we take off our jackets when work's to be done,
But I'll cast my own first, without fail, boys- And that they'll take off theirs, I'll go bail, boys!






7F 1U N.-OCToBER 6, 1866.


VERY KIND OF HIM!
J. B. at Mamchesier :-"DON'T BE ALARMED :-I WON'T HURT YOU. I SHAN'T ABOLISH YOU JUST NOW!"








Oo 6, 1866.] FU F N.


A FOGEY'S VIEWS ON BATHING.

LL the people now, you ktiois-
S-; r JoNas, and EoWiNtoi, and BkoyWN-
,' I* When their season's over, go
,f Il Out of town-out of towi.
By the Wild waves of the sea
Letting of their back-hair down,
!Ali e pretty darlings be
Out of town-out of town!
Dancing,
SPrancing,
Tipping,
Skipping
In th6 ocean, full of glee.
i"[ |I L^ i But this new Frech style of bathing don't neeMt quite ti6 tigi t
Poor Propriety they drown!
Si j When they're bathing-ou t of ~oiit.
Si I Watery levees, which they hold,
Clad in simple bathing. g6own
f & me think they grow too bold
S' Out of town-out of townt.
.On [ O ch curious foreign ways
,, We old-fashioned people nowif.
SFolTfc ~d ange things, nowadays,
Sut of town-out of towif.
Dashing,
Splashing,
Hopping,
I -and Flopping,
RHand in hand-quite frank and free.
I Welfl Thi~AahwFrench style of bathing don't seeY dfridaiki' i
...' IModesty appears a noun
That's not used much-out of town.
Things which better are in France
S;Managed "-pace STEuRNE's renown-
S *II\ i |Are not bathing dress and dance,
Out of town-out of town.
'1 Sentimental Journey" praise
M ay such foreign freedoms crown.
h -Such are not our English ways
N.Out of town-out of town.
., Laughing,
Chaffing,
Twirling,
Whirling-
Very harmless it may be,
But this new French style of bathing don't eeoom quite the thing to nie!
People copy from, the (lown
All1 flhir onnY wfl1I-I It of iwn





















I! -'- -". -'-
~~J.









44 F IJ N [OCTOBER 6, 1866.


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN,

No. 3.-FORTUNA VICTRIX.
FROM Cynthia's face an April gleam
Has cheered us all from the beginning,
But trifles, after all, they seem,
Which set the wheel of Fortune spinning.
Beneath the stage we sit and see
The birth and fate of great successes,
As patient as Penelope,
Who stitch'd and then unpick'd her dresses,
Our hearts at the Lyceum thrilled
At Lena's grief for Lena's lover;
Penarvon's wife th' Olympic fill'd
S. y When hidden hands appeared above her.
Some fascination is required
To make the dull Adelphi merry,
S,,You cannot fail to be admired,
SBut are you changeable, KATE TERRY ?

No. 4.-CUI BONO.
DULL evening gs are given to mortals,
They have cares, but can lighten the load,
When a theatre opens its portals
In a street off the Tottenham-court-road.
By comedy's sterling attraction,
By extravaganzas you see
You are driving us all to distraction,
Ma inAqnonne MARIE !
By Orpheus and Gringoire the poet,
By lightness of toe and of heel,
W e own we are hit, and we show it,
You heed not the tortures we feel.
A CO M MEN-TAT U R. By "Nan," and her mischief alarming,
Tlliterate Parent (to rohn, who has come to see his father) :-TAKE 'NOTHER TATUR, liss Netley! Mhad H et hrington! we
JAcO, MY aou !" Now adjure you, why are you so charming,
John :-" FOR 'EVIN'S SAKE, SIR, SPEAK HINGLISH--DON'T FORGET THE t'PER'!" Ma io MARIE?


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. JOE DUFF will preside faced by a gentleman from the Whitechapel
BELGRATIA. Road, the best of spirits, wines, and malt liquors, cigars of the most
MY DEAR ouNG FRIEND,-I don't think I have ever enjoyed a researcher, fistiana may be seen at the bar. NB. Rats."
Shane th a er oy If you should think of going, Sir, and I know him to be a very
heartier laugh thaden what it gave me tin the last numberon of your New worthy fellow, perhaps we might drive down together You would
Serious;n delar the head of ly Proposed Testimonial," where you have be quite sure to be treated respectful, JoE having once been
a kind of a lark with the ol man, such as saying in an Eitoal ft- on the press himself, and did the Fires for a daily paper, though sincl
note, LA trick is unworthy of you." Capital, my dear risen in the social scale.
young friend, capital! It is just those kid of light, sparkling, A letter, Sir, have also reached me, purporting to be from a noble
genialistic remarks which endear you not alone to the old man, marquis in which he says, "Though I am about to retire from the
though I was always very fond o yo from the time you asked me to Turf. I still take an interest in those who have endeavored to main-
contribute, nor have it diminished since you kose my salary, but also tain .ts purity; and I know few people who have done so much more
to the athletic men of merry, merry England. Why, of course, my sincerely than NcreorLAS." Between ourselves, though, Sir, I do not
dear young Friend, it was all a joke! I never thought as I could think as the M. of H. really wrote such, but rather that some sportive
take you in, nor am I quite sure as I would do so if I could ; but I rswellved hiton o b ing a pe with the ol man, than whom
thought the notion might amuse you, and I felt sure your perspicacity si am uhave been having a hit of a greon, wi neisold a, tha o
would put the general reader on his guard, than whom I don'tre no one more willing to respond congenial, I have ofte
mut obte mn. proved by the good-humoured kind of way in which I have acknow-
Imuch orf himd aa rule, he being easily garioned by literary men. edged your own playful remarks.
I am accordingly delighted to observe as you have taken it in the Under these circumstances, especially as the last correspondent als
proper spirit, such as it was meant to be; and this friendly littleinter- backs his opinion, please be good enough to acknowledge
change of good-natured banter will, I am sure, only increase our
feelings of mutual cndearingment and reciprocation. SUBSCiRIPTIONS FOR THE NicI{OLAs TESTIMONIAL.
At the same time, the Prophet owes it to himself-and debts of that Votary of the Chase .. .. .. 1 0 0
particular description are exactly the last as he would ever forget to A Sportive Bung .. .. .. 1 0 0
pay!I-to declare that he really sees nothing at all ridiculous in the The M. of H. (stamps) r .. .. 0 2 6
proposal of a Testimonial standing on its own merits, and will now
give you a few extrax that have reached me. 2 2 6
"Votary of the Chase" says :-" Please put me down for a sovereign Every little helps; and Rome, as your classical scholarship and
towards NsceoLmrs. I had not yet ssmadd my St. Leger book when I knowledge of architecture will remind you, was not built in a day.
see your prophesey, Sir, but was going to back Wostwick for a place. NICHcOLAS.
linnmediato on leading of your tip I put a fiver on Knight of the P.S. 2.-We had better offer a reward-rat least, yesu lad-for the
Crescent, which accordingly I consider it but due to Met. NICHoLAIs recovery of my History of Knuerr and Spell. It is the only work oi
as he should share." the subject ever written in the English language; nor do I think the
It' everybody acted honourable, Sir, what a world it would be! Do game was even known to the ancients.
you not think so, Sir ?
"A Sportive Bung" writes as follows, both verbattim and also
litteratim :-I"i shall be glad to go a quid towards your hold adviser, The Feast of Reason.
mister editor, as i think he have been the making of fun, which i take "VEx not the poet's soul," said T*PP*R, the other day, to a waiter
it in regular at my drum, were if either you or mISTER NICHOLAS would who pressed him to order something to follow his fish, Vex not the
give moe look in shall be proud to hold out the right hand of fellow- poet's soul! "...I beg your pardon, Sir- I understood you to say
ship over a social glass, a harmonic meeting next Saturday, when salmon!"







OOTFEER C, 1866.]


FUN.


,. I 1\ ,; ( ,


SECOND PERSON .SINGULAR-VERYI
Experience teaches :-" No, MU, I DON'T XNOW AS I FEELS MUCH EFFECTS FROM CONSTANT USIN' O' THIS 'ERE COAL-TAR. WIIERE
IT KETCHES 'OLD ON TER IS 'ERE, MUM:-YOU GO AND TAR A FENCE AFORE BREAKFAST, AND THEN GIT A GALLON OR BO 0' 11EER ABOARD,
AND YOU'LL FIND IT TURNS YOU SORT 0' STUPID DIRECKLY A'MOST." [Ladly does not quite see this personal way of putting it.

Where are they gone ? They are gone to sleep,
WHERE! AND OH WHERE! Where Fancy alone can find them;
But the classical times are like the sheep
HERE are the times when That quitted the care of Little Bo-Peep.
-far away For they've left their tales behind them I
&~ From the din and the
-\ ^- dust of cities-
CORYDON left his flocks at $lSN.s t t g 11XO}W\W.
__--<- )play
':---. And wooed some shep- E. B., Bayswater, shall have our opinion if he will send his address.
herdess half the day A SUBSCRIBER, Newbury, is thanked for the suggestion.
With little Arcadian W. H. L. should not lose his temper because he's AV. II. in-L-igible.
,l ditties ? SAMno.-You won't improve the condition of the nigger by trying to
-blacken other people.
9 Where are the pastures, R. N.-The FoEs Bandusie was very nearly good.
daisy-strewn, WV. S. W., Glasgow, and W. C., Hull.-Thanks.
And the lambs that lived H. H. Pyke.-We thought all pikes had been abolished in London by
in clover ;- Act of Parliament, and are sorry to find they have not.
The winds hat c ht J. R. B.-Our notions of "poetic genius" don't agree. However, if
-' The wds that caught you have not reached Parnassus, you are pretty CLOSE.
young CORYDON'S ANTI-IlOAnD has bored us completely.
r tune, J. T., Nortbampton.-Thanks, but not suitable.
And carried afar the notes L.-The drawings (and the jokes too perhaps) are too L-emientary.
as soon VON KAUL is "von cool" to send us as original an epigram about
As ever the notes were "Athol Brose," copied from The Works of Thonmas Hood.
over ? Declined with thanks-T. D. B., Notlingham ; G. S., East India-road;
SV. C., Kennington-roa'd; G. M. B., Stffllordhire; Sphinx, Brighton;
Where are the och,-es that W. H., Clifton; IR. M., Bath; W. V. W.; The Sphinx, Mornington-
bore the strains, crescent; A. E., Brighton; G. D., Hampton; G. E., Manchester; J. J.,
'.- borach tohe strains Tunbridge Wells; X. Y. Z.; G. M., Aberdeen; C. W., Leeds; J. W. T.;
Each to hiIgnoramus; Red Cap; J. WV., Glasgow; J. B., Blunt; E. W. It., Am,-
I. neighbour; bourne; A. F. II.; J. V.; A Lunatic; V. W., Glasgow; S., Regent-
And all the valleys and all street; F. V., Sheerness; F. AM. P.. Tunbridge Wells; J. It., Camrndon-
the plains, town; Hugh, WVo d-reeu; W., Edinbur-h; W. G. ..; J. 0. A.,
Where all the nymphs and the love-sick swains Adelphi; G. V., Glaugow; I. 0. P. Q.; II. E. P. D., Moorgate-street;
Made merry to pipe and tabor? H. I., Glasgow.









FU N.


[OcrOBER 6, 1866,.


WHEN this old coach was new-
'Tis not two hundred year-
Men used odd things to do
And wear, 'tis very clear.
They wore the queer toepets,
The powdered wig and queue-
All this was in the days
When this old coach was new!
The quaintest cut of coat
Was all the fashion then;
And dress did much denote
The manners of the men ;
While woman made displays
Of hoops absurd to view-
All this was in the days
When this old coach was new.
Then parties aimed at place,
And statesmen fought for spoil,
And biibery's disgrace
Did all elections soil;
Then law was all delays,
That made poor clients rue-
But this was in the days
When this old coach was new.
Then speculators shrewd
Set bubble-schemes afloat,
And did their dupes delude
And stole their latest groat;
Then clerks with slender pays
Were glad when they came due-
All this was in the days
When this old coach was new.


We've changed these matters now-
We never see a swell,
In short-tailed coat, I vow,
Or hat that's like a bell.
And ladies, to their praise,
All crinoline eschew-
In these our modern days,
When we the coach renew.
Now parties all are merged,
One patriotic creed ;
And statesmen are not urged
By any hopes of greed.
Now bribery never pays,
Our laws are prompt and few,
In these enlightened days
When we the coach renew.
No speculative thirst
Bids cunning rogues arise-
No bubbles when they burst
Leave many smarting eyes.
Employer ne'er delays
To double labour's screw-
In these enlighted days
When we the coach renew.
Compared with those old times,
We're much advanced indeed!
No follies and no crimes,
No roguery, no greed.
Alas! a smile betrays,
You don't quite think it's true,
That these are better days
Than when this coach was new I


-I

Si


OLD TIMES OR NEW TIMES?










FUN. 47


OCTOBER 13, 1866.]





I,' I /


_ 'IA^t


MENTAL ARITHMETIC.
Sister :-" LOOK HERE, CHARLIE-SUPPOSING YOU HAD TWENTY SUGAR-PLUMS, AND
TOU WANTED TO DIVIDE THEM INTO FOUR PARTS. YOU GIVE FIVE TO BABY AND FIVE TO
CARRIE-NOW WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE OTHER TEN F"
Sweet Child:-" SucK 'EM."


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
A MANORIAL HALL, NORFOLKSHIen.
Mr DEAR YOUNG FRTEND,-The weather having at length taken a
change, and high time it did so, during the present autumnal equinox,
NICHOLAS determined to have another spell of what his friends the
barristers call the Long Vocation. The vocation of the Prophet is
always as long as ever he can make it; for although I am fond of
London. and of those gilded salons where the elite of the beau more
display their delat in the most researcher manner, yet the old man is
likewise partial to what MILTON, than whom I am sure a more lofty-
minded bard, though, as to reading Paradise Lost right through, it's
all nonsense, and it can't be done, was accustomed to describe as
"fresh fields and pastors new." Accordingly, when a young Friend
of mine-and mind you put "Friend" with a big F, or he mightn't
like it-asked me to come down and have a crack at the pheasant
birds, the old man instantaneously replied Done with you, Sir!" and
is again rioting in those lapse of luxury so frequently mentioned in
your columns.
It is not the business of a journalist-whether he call himself a
Flineur or boasts the loftier appellation of a Sportive Prophet-to
reveal the sanctity of domestic life for the amusement of the casual
readers of a penny periodical-though I am sure, Sir, as you conduct
our own little venture with every regard to respectability-and accord-
ingly NICHOLAS does not feel bound to tell a giddy world how many
pheasant birds have bit their last under the unerring breechloaders of
myself and my aristocratical companions. Suffice it, Sir, to say that
his shooting was quite up to what might be expected from his present
period and his former antecedents; nor have I any doubt, my dear
young Friend, but what I should often hit them if it were not for me
being nervous and shutting my eyes before I fire, which tells against
sport.
My best acknowledgments are due to you for again forwarding the
letters that have been addressed to me at the office, 80, Fleet-street,
though some of them may be a little less complimentary, not to say a
deal more abusive, than what I altogether like. The offer of my
Relative to be your Sportive Editor for half the salary at present paid
to NICHOLAS is exactly what I should have expected from his low-
minded disposition, he having been always 'notorious in our family as
a mean old hunks, and I told him so myself the moment I was


NIGHT THOUGHTS.
I LOVE the hour when Luna's light
Steals silvery up the darkening skies,
When all the myriad lamps of night
Gaze down on us with lambent eyes.
When PHILOMEL, in groves unseen,
Rehearses his distressful tale,
When shadows lengthen on the green,
And glooms are gathered in the vale,
When silver fleeces slowly glide
Across the deeps of almost blue,
When Owlet hymns his big-eyed bride
With murmurs of a fond tu-whoo,
I love the hour when o'er the glen
The shades of night in silence creep,
And wrap the silent earth-for then-
Yes, then, I always go to sloop.


A ROMP.
THAT night when little FAN I sought
To help me with my song,
Fler touch seem'd light and who'd have thought
Her wrists were half so strong.
When first I saw her sunny smile,
Her teeth of pearly white,
I thought of tender words the while,
Nor dreamed that she could bite.
Around her waist I often prayed
My truant arms might steal;
I cannot hold her, I'm afraid,
She's lissom as an eel.
I loved her presence months ago,
But now from FAN I flinch-
She's very pretty still, you know,
But, oh! how she can pinch!


fortunate enough to escape from his filthy clutches (metaphorical), but
where it says, "I taught him everything he knows, and have often
fed him on the fat of the land at a time when he hadn't a decent coat
to his back," why, Sir, it is all mendacity; for if he calls boiled beef
and carrots "the fat of the land," I don't; and as to not having a
decent coat, why, I never pretend to be a dressy man, nor rigged myself
out with mother-of-pearl buttons, like a conceited old publican ; and
as to his teaching me all I know, why all the more credit to me for
picking of it up so quick, and bringing my pigs to a better market
than what he could, the vanity-glorious old duffer! I am glad to hear as
you declined his offer; but I hope he will not insist upon a personal in-
terview and explaining all the circumstances, as you would find him a
most disagreable companion, he always smelling badly of rum and
water whenever able to afford such.
The other letters, or most of them, are much more satisfactory; and
I am sure you will be glad to hear that the movement for a testi-
monial, which you so kindly set on foot, is rapidly advancing with
gigantic strides towards a pinnacle of success, than which I am sure
none more deserving of a complete ovation. Some of the foremost
men in the land, though I have not the honour to be personally known
to all of them, have rallied round the old Prophet, as you will perceive,
Sir, from the following list of contributions to
THE NICHOLAS TESTIMONIAL.
Amount already acknowledged.. .. 2 2 6
Dean Close (so it says) .. .. .. 1 1 0
The Earl of Shaftesbury (I think) 0. 0 0 3
A Student of the Prophecies .. .. 0 5 4
A Millionaire's Mite .. .. .. 0 0 2
A Working Man .. .. .. 6 0 0

8 9 3
NICHOLAS.
P. S. 2.-Have you heard anything more about my Knurr and
Spell ?

Nicked in the Main.
A CORRESPONDRNT who has been reading "The St. Leger, a Gaelic
fragment," by NICHOLAS, wishes to know whether the old man is the
original 'Ossy-'un.


VOL. IV.








48 FT


FROM OUR STALL.

T the Olympic, the
new drama, The
Vhiteboy, is not
likely to enbance
the reputation of its
author. Its inci-
dents are not only
old, but they have
not been so skilfully
re-set and artfully
burnished up as to
pass for new, even
with the least criti-
cal portion of the
public. The Irish
peasant, generous,
impulsive, syco-
phantic, and un-
governable, has
been used up by
MR. BounciAurT,
both as dramatist
andactor. Audiences
are getting a little
tired of the con-
tinual sound of the
M PIrish harp on one
string. The con-
stant repetition of
Alauna," ma-
vourneen," "acushla," and "aroon," musical and affectionate as those
words may be, becomes tiresome as treacle. Perhaps Fenianism has
wearied us of the sham specimen, the theatrical pattern, of the "finest
pisantry." MR. ToM TAYLOR has accilstomed us to neatness of con-
struction and smartness of dialogue, and it would be injustice to his
other works to say that in The WVhiteboy he is equal to himself. The
fun of MR. CICERO RABBITS is Of too transpontine a sort to suit the
dwellers on this side of the Thames; and Paudreen, the "innocent
deaf and dumb," reminds old playgoers too strongly of Myrtillo, the
dumb maid of Genoa, and the ditto man of Manchester; and does not
sufficiently interest the young auditor who is untrained to serious
pantomime. The piece is well acted, although the parts do not afford
great scope for display. MR. ADDISON, who is a valuable acquisition
to any company, plays a bluff country gentleman; MaR. HENRY
NEVILLE, the Irishpeasant-there is only one, the fixed traditional and
inevitable; MR. VINCENT, the bad peasant, spy and informer-the
bad peasant fixed, traditional and inevitable. Each of these gentle-
men acts with force and conscientiousness. MA. MONTAGUE plays an
English officer with the air and manner of a gentleman and an
officer; and MR. TsRROTTr, who, we believe, is an Irishman by birth,
plays an Irishman like an Irishman, and carries a blackthorn as
we believe only an Irishman can. MR. Domralex MumsuRA made
his first bow to the Olympic audience as the Cockney lawyer, a broad
farce part, which he acted with proper pragmatical priggish humour.
The heroine of the drama, Grace Dwyer, is charmingly portrayed by
MIass MILLY PALMER, who has made great advances since her
appearance at the Strand, and who is destined to be a high favourite if
personal grace, winning manners, and thorough artistic appreciation
still hold the hearts of Londoners. MIss WILasoN was a lovely heiress
-haeiressess, as we know, are invariably lovely and accomplished, it is
their nature to. We are at a loss for sufficient praise for Miss FARREN
for her personation of Paudreen-a sort of compound of Barnaby
Rudge and Tipperary Joe, afflicted with deafness and dumbness. We
were sorry to lose the tones of her voice, but she looked and acted with
a "brogue" as well as with earnestness, intensity, and fire-ind:ed,
Miss FARREN'S Paudreen is a remarkable performance. The scenery
by Ma. HAwEs CRAVEN 1is romantic and appropriate.
Bravo, Ma. CHATTERTON, very good indeed! Drury Lane has re-
opened with Ma. CHATTvRTON as manager, and SHAKESPEARE as the
attraction. These names, united, are, indeed, two towers of strength.
King John and the Comedy of -Errors are, also, two towers of strength;
but King John is the better built. FUN was very glad to see Mn.
BAnRRY SULLIVAN back from Australia-to which country, indeed, he
never should have emigrated, for good tragedians are scarce, and we
cannot afford to lose one of them. Mns. HERMANN YVZIN is also
kindly welcome; and les PF r res WEBB-who must be translated from
the French, there is so much of Clodocherieand Comidteriein their acting.
New comedies are promised, and the theatrical season is setting in
heavily-indeed, a dreary time may be expected, for several bur-
lesques are in preparation, and there are sure to be pantomimes at
Christmas.


J" N [OCTOBER 13, 1866.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(The answer in our next.)
S THE man of science watching where the spark,
That told of triumph glanced from out the dark,
Recked little of the toils his comrades bore,
To link in amity each distant shore.
And yet his share in the great work that's done
Is justly honoured now the victory's won.

1.
Well did the poet in the ancient times
Tell of a country life in wondrous verse;
Whose measured music shames our jingling rhymes,
The subject pleasant and the language terse.
2.
There's a writer who wrote sonnets,
Not on flying curls or bonnets,
But the glories of a lady passing fair;
And no writer in that metre
Made them prettier or neater,
So -no lady with his idol could compare.
3.
In. monograms and crosses mystic,
The High Church parson takes delight,
And now with service ritualistic,
He wears a garment pure and white.
4.
Theresthe silver Esk flows wide,
Starting from the mountain side,
And the waters calm and deep,
Of the dark lake seem to sleep,
Near where Honister lifts high,
Lichened rocks against the sky.
5.
Ere the white St. Andrew's Cross
Of our banner formed a part,
England suffered grievous loss
From the Scotsmen stout of heart.
And in Perthshire, near a place
For all ages most renowned,
Scottish kings of ancient race,
On a famous stone were crowned.

ANSWER To LAST WEEK'S ACROSTIC.
B Berenice E
R Rimmel L
I Irene E
B Bibliomaniac C
E Etretat T
R Rialto 0
Y Year R
Answers Received to Oct. 5th.-Correct:-Rugby; Sixty-seven; Le
Coupperd.
No notice can be taken of answers arriving ls tsr than the morning# of
the Friday after publication.


A Curacy or a Living.
HERB'S a better place than Brixham to which we referred the other
day! The following is from the Stamford Mercury :
SOLE CHARGE.
A CURATE will be wanted at Michaelmnas for a small Agricultural Parish on the
SSea Coast. Population 20 ; Single Duty, and no Burials. Remuneiation 30
a year, and Furnished iRooms in the Vicarage House. Address, M.A., etc.
Now unless "sole charge means that the curate has to look after the
fish on that coast, we cannot but conclude that as there are no burials
there are no deaths at this happy spot. A curacy there is of course as
good as a living-in spite of the small stipend.

Full-some.
WHY is a full-a very full private, who carries his cartridges in a
belt about his middle, a most careless soldier? Because he waists so
very much ammunition.

A CHRISTIAN DUTY.
A LAZY young dandy of our acquaintance says that he is a model of
one's duty to one's neighbour because he loves both ease and shes.









OCTOBER 13, 1866.] 1F U' INT 49


Br THE SiATrkNTrEBna IN SOCIETY.
A cASE which should not be allowed to slip out of notice has been
tried at the Clerkenwell Sessions. Two lads were a short time since
brought up before MuH. MANSFIELD, at Marylebone Poliee Court,
charged by two detectives with attempting to commit a burglary.
Although evidence was ready for the defence, the magistrate refused to
hear it, and sent the lads for trial. When the case is taken to the
sessions such strong evidence is brought to prove that the detectives
had trumped up the charge that the prisoners are at once acquitted.
It thus transpires that the two officers, instead of being near the place
where it is stated by them they took the prisoners, were in a public,
house some distance off, and' took the young men in custody just out-
side it. The conclusion to be drawn from this is, that having been
set to watch the Crescent where the alleged burglary took place, but
finding it more convenient to take their ease at their inn, they-as is
usual nowadays-instead of catching the thieves, made them, and
cooked up an attempt at housebreaking by cutting a window-sash with
a knife taken from their prisoners at the station-house. One of the
constables swore that one prisoner gave a false address-a very
damaging bit of testimony-but it turned out that the address was
right, and that the policeman knew it, but being advised not to say
anything unless he was asked, he had been silent as to the fact of the
prisoner's living at 18A in a certain street, and of his having inquired
for him at 18. The employer of one of the ex-prisoners has behaved
very courageously in the matter. But for his efforts the innocent
would have been condemned. By his efforts we trust the guilty will
be punished. -This is not the first instance of this kind of late. It is
no longer to be concealed that Sie RICHARD MAYNE is more troubled
about helmets, tunics, and cutlass drill than about the morality and
fitness of his men. The mistake is a grievous one. He does not make
the force more popular by his attempt to make gendarmes of its
members, while repeated exposes, like the one just recorded, damage
more than can be imagined the influence and position which alone can
make the police a safe and useful power for peace.
THE Wreck Chart, published with The Life Boat, has just reached
me. I am sorry to see that the clusters of black dots, which indicate
wrecks, are sadly plentiful-off Yarmouth and Flamborough they
appear in serried rows. But it is pleasant to see that the number of'
lifeboats increases yearly. The institution has contributed to the
saving of more than a thousand lives during the last year. One would
hardly suppose Englishmen needed any strong appeals to induce them
to support so valuable a society, but the secretary asks earnestly for
funds, so I at once endorse his application. I am sure the readers of
FUN will give their aid to so truly national an institution.
THE magazines have made their appearance. Cornhill is not more
brilliant than usual, and WALKER, who reappears this month, is not as
happy as usual in his principal block. His initial is exquisite, but in the
larger drawing, the figure of the girl is almost slovenly. Temple Bar
is not as entertaining as usual, buc it has a poem by BuCHANAN, and a
pleasant trip through Somerset." Mu. YATES continues his Letters
to Joseph," with one" On the Wing," wherein we read a good deal
about Scotland and MR. E. M'. WARD. The Argosy, one of the best of
magazines, has two capital illustrations by SMALL and MAHONEY, and
a poem by BucHANAN-more than enough for treble the price. London
Society is a trifle brisker from the art point of view, an illustration to
lines To a Flirt" being an exceptionally charming drawing. The
literature is a trifle too heavy,-there are too many Museum" articles
about merchants and such cattle, not to mention the dead-alive twaddle
about the antiquities of London. The author of "Denis Donne"
begins a new story in this number, but why does she talk about "an
unnecessary addenda"? The second number of the Suburban has
reached me, but it is no improvement on the first, although the
services of a good and gifted old man," of whom I, at all events,
never spoke disrespectfully as a duffer, have been secured to lend
interest to its pages, I am sure I detect his style in this:-
Farewell, then, thou companions of my solitude; thou joys of my heart; it is
decreed that we separate. The flat has gone forth ; thy fate is decreed. Tenderly
I take ye down, one by one, from your position, carefully wrap ye in wool, and
consign ye to my oak chest."
I ought, perhaps, to say the extract is from a serious paper full of
learned quotations.
I HAVE seen the Doni pictures for Elaine. They are quite worthy
of the artist's reputation, and full of the rich effects he is such a master
of. A collection of comic sketches by DoedE, about to be published by
MEssRS. WARNE, will show him to the British public in a new guise;
but I don't think he will be less popular in that guise. From the
Camden Press we are to have a volume of verse edited by BucHANAN,
with drawings by eminent artists; a book of hymns, illuminated; an
illustrated edition of Jean Ingelow; and a comic book, Griset's Gro-
tesques. M. GsISET's drawings have been engraved by the DALzrEL


BROTHERS, and will have justice done them, which they hardly
received in the Hatchet Throwers, a successor to which is promised I
see-Curiositiae of Savage Life-in which Ma. JAMES GHEENWOOD will
be sure to afford us plenty of amusement. Donsk is also a standing
dish this Christmnas with MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, and GALPIN, who
publish a MI.oN's Paradise Lost (with original designs), Don Quixote,
The Wandering JIw, and Groquemitaine. They also announce Idyllic
Pictures, -with illustrations by PINWELL, GRAY, IHOUGHTON, BA&ME, etc0.


"SAY, MAMMA!"
PRAY, mamma, say, mamma: did you not think-
As we staid for our carriage last night at the ball-
That SPOONER, poor creature, was just on the brink
Of-I don't like to mention it !-"popping," that's all?
Should lie propose, may I send him; to you ?
What shall I say, mamma P-Say, mamma, do !
Yes,. mamma! Guess, mamma), how I was vexed
When the carriage came up andi he bid us good night!"
I knew-or I fancied-what must have come next ,j
By his pressing my hand so excessively tight.
How-shall I treat the man-send him to you ?
What shall I say, mamma N-Say, mamma, do!
Oh! mamma; no, mamma. Do not suppose
I would marry for that. I am not to be sold.
But still-the old gentleman's property goes
To-this very identical son, I am told.
Make up your mind. Shall I send him to you ?
What shall I say, mamma P-Say, mamma, do.!
Nay, mamma: stay, mamma. Stop, I implore;
Let me beg you to give your definitive choice.
Good' gracious, what's that P There's a knock at the dbor.
Oh, it's SI ONRE himself; no mistaking the voice.
Tell me at once; may I send him to you ?
What shall I say, mamma ?-Say, mamma, do !


THE ADVANTAGE OF DIRT.
WE have heard dirt, especially during cholera time, so heartily
abused that it has aroused within us that faint feeling of pity which
is invariably evoked by the spectacle of persecution- even where it
seems almost merited. Dirt, after all, is but matter out of place,
and is therefore a matter which may be defensible against sweeping
condemnation.
The REV. MR. WILSON, a Dissenting minister somewhere near
Sheffield, has stepped chivalrously forward to say a word in the defence
of dirt. At the opening of the Working Men's Baths in Snighill, he
observed that he had had
Seven years' experience among the cannibals of the South Spas, all in the daily
habit of bathing; they would nauseate people as dirty as our working men."
So, after all, dirt has its beautiful side. It may preserve us from
the devouring savages of the South Seas. One would not mind being
a little grubby so long as one was saved from being made grub of.

Morning Calls.
WE sincerely pity the unfortunate being who penned the following
advertisement:-
WANTED, UNFURNISHED, THREE APARTMENTS, by a nervous invalid
Where there are no children, in an open situation where costernongers and
organ grinders do not visit. The southern suburbs preferred. No attendance.-
Address, stating terms, which must be moderate, etc.
The only open situation" where costermongers do not come with
their morning calls and caul-iflowers-where the visitations of organs
are unknown-is the Great Sahara. But even there our friend would
not get all he wants, for he would have to put up" with the children
of the desert.

Useful Inventions.
WHAT enterprising and ingenious people the Yankees are! A cor-
tain Ma. PaICE-American, of course, and a pretty considerable price
too we guess !-has patented a machine for- shelling peas! We hope
this clever mechanician will turn his attention to the discovery of a
simple instrument for shearing pigs.

LATEST FROM FLORENS-.
WHY is it peculiarly difficult to procure boats on the river Arno ?
Because they're Arno boats there!








_ __ FUN .


[OCTOBER 13, 1866.




ft1 N1\k


PRECOCIOUS AND PATRONISING 1
Master Tom:-" AH, WELL !-SEE HERE, UNCLE,-THE GUV'NOR'S OUT. BUT YOU MAKE USE OF my NAME. IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT!"


THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE."
"BARNxUMISM," "bunkum," and other expressive adaptations of the
American language are making their way in English society, and will
doubtless have their place among the noun-substantives of the future,
in the dictionaries of that indefinite epoch. Meanwhile, there is
perhaps too strongly prevalent a disposition to set down as bunkum, or
Barnumism, everything which happens to bear the smallest apparent
likeness to Barnumism or bunkum. The wee craft," Red, White, and
Blue, is coming in for heavy seas of critical unbelief, and would be
inevitably swamped by these sceptical billows, but for the buoyancy of
her constitution. Very good men, if not very good sailors, who have
crossed the Atlantic, declare that the Atlantic cannot and will not be
crossed by anything so wee as the "wee craft" in question. The
strong point in the defence of the captain and "crew" of this curiously
diminutive vessel against the assailants of their veracity is the obvious
argument that the secret of any fraud, if fraud there be, could with
difficulty have been kept. CAPT. HuDsoN, LIEUT. FITCH, and their
dog might have conspired to shroud in perpetual darkness the mystery
of a sell" among them; but if their tiny ship crossed the Atlantic
simply by means of being slung on the davits of a larger vessel, where
is the larger vessel on whose davits, or affidavits, the Red, White, and
Blue was slung There must be other tongues than those two which
wagged in company with the tail of the dog, now hushed in death, to
tell us the story, or rather the truth. Where are those other tongues ?
Perhaps Echo will be good enough, instead of sillily answering
" Where ?" to produce them. If, as we may hope, the hypothesis be
vain, and the captain and mate of the Red, White, and Blue are the
only witnesses in the matter, let them answer all the questions that
scepticism can frame. One particular piece of adverse evidence we are
in a position to refute. It appears that the label of a quack medicine,
bearing the name of an ex-savage of the Mic-mac tribe of Indians, is
exhibited among the remnants of the stores of the Red, White, and
Blue, and some disbeliever has jubilantly cited this fact as a proof that
the Red, White, and Blue had at all events touched at Nova Scotia.


How the circumstance, if proved, would disprove her having crossed
the Atlantic to England we are not quite feminine enough to see; but
it so happens that FUN, who has travelled everywhere, remembers to
have seen the label of this Mic-mac medicine in many other places
than Nova Scotia, where the ex-savage proprietor of the specific is said
to reside. It is common enough in New York and in some of the
islands of the West Indies. CAPTAIN HUDSON, of the Red, White, and
Blue, says he bought the stuff at the store of a certain MAJOR JOHN
THOMAS LANE, of No. 23, Coenties-street, Hellgate, New York; and,
moreover, CAPTAIN HUnsON saith, and his faithful first-officer FITCH
also saith, and we are quite willing to say too, that every New Yorker
is tolerably well acquainted with the fact, that the physic of the
ex-savage leech, rejoicing in the Mic-mac appellation, is sold all over
the United States, with the laudably liberal allowance for taking a
quantity.

Phrenological.
IN the Church Times of a week or so since we read that an
advertiser-
Earnestly desirous to promote the cultivation of church music and to assist in
training choirs would feel grateful if some kind individual would give her an
organ."
Would a grinder do P-a Charitable Grinder, by the kind permission
of CHARLES DICKENS, EsQ. The organ, as far as concerns the kind
individual, may be described as the organ of benevolence-but as
regards the advertiser cannot but be looked on as the organ of un-
blushing impudence.

Eggs-actly.
"ONE sees so many shops in London," said Mas. SMITH, the other
day, where they profess to sell new laid eggs, that the supply must
be enormous. Do you think, MR. JONES, that all these new-laid eggs
really are what they are represented to be." Osten(d)sibly,
Madam!" was JONEs's apt reply.







F U I -.--OCTOBER 13, 1866.


NUPKINS'S JUSTICE.
Learned Magidrate:-" HEAR THE EVIDENCE FOR THE DEFENCE? NONSENSE! I WON'T HEAR A WORD-OF IT!
WHAT'S THE USE ?--I COULD NOT THINK OF DOUBTING A POLICEMAN'S WORD."








OCTOBER 13, 1866.] F U N. 58


MRS. BROWN ON IMPROVEMENTS.
WELL, it may be a age of improvements, but I'm sure what they'll
do next goodness knows. What with their tunnels, tramways, and
embankments, let alone them teetotalers, as wants to do away with
all kinds of drinks, as is agin natur,-might as well try and do without
sleep; but when BROWN come in and said as they'd been and throw'd
a cable slap across to 'Merriky I did stare, though it do seem to me
very ventersome in any one to walk over it, and must 'ave been
'ighly dangerous to throw it that far, and never shall I forget the
man aboard the penny steamer a-throwin' one on to the barge where
I was standing and ketched me on the side of the face, as sent me
a-flyin' back'ards, and if it hadn't been as I knocked three or four
down under me might have fell between them barges.
So I says, Whoever is to go across the cable now it's throw'd, for
I see a party once walk up one ever so high with a pole a-balancin'
hisself, but under the water wouldn't be no use, and as to walking' on
it in that dress as I see the diver in at the Polyntechnic, I don't believe
as any one could, though the man did go down that well and pick up
things as was throw'd in; but whatever is that compared to the
bottomless sea, as you wouldn't ketch me a-temptin', as is downright
presumption in my opinion, the same as the man as cut hisself off the
bottom of a balloon in a thing like a umbreller, as come down with a,
run, and his neck broke as any fool could have told him." Baowr
says, I wish as you wouldn't, go on so; what are you up to ? "
n" Why," I says, I'm put out, I am, at the way as they're a-goin'
on about improvements of the poor when it's werry plain as what
they wants is wholesome wittles and more on it. It's all very right
for to come a-whitewashin' their places and throwin' about the clorids
of limes, as makes a stifley smell, but that don't pick a poor creetur
up as is living' on the smell of a match, and got no strength for to
support a illness. Thousands is starved to death as is never heard on
because they starves by inches, as you can see by their pale faces,
and careworn, as looks old women before forty, and the men, too, is
regular wore out through never getting' food as will support life." So
BRowN says, Whatever's that got to do with the cable ? "
I says, "A good deal, for," I says, "they are always a-malrin' im-
provements, and yet nothing don't seem to improve, and the misery
is downright dreadful." So BROWN says, "I wish as you wouldn't
go exposing' of your ignorance. Why ever don't you read the paper,
and you'll see what's a-goin' on in the world."
I says, "Pr'aps I'm as well without knownn, for I'm sure the awful
things as is done nowadays would disgrace a black, as comes from
poverty, and to tell me as it can't be helped," I says, "rubbish!" He
says, You're very clever, pray what ever would you do to help it ? "
"I'll tell you how to help a deal on it," I says, "just lay hold of
all them wagabone gals and boys as swarms about Whitechapel
a-cadgin' and thievin' for a livin', and sleeping' on door-steps half-
starved in rags and filth. Ketch 'old of them and put 'em some-
wheres to learn to be common decent, not goin' on wuss than the
beasts as perishes, as the sayin' is. Something must be done or
else we shall be overrun with them street boys and gals, and it must
end bad for one or other of us, either you'll have them massycreein'
us or we shall have to massycree them. You may set there a-smokin'
and sayin' rubbish, but mark my words if it don't come true. Why,
the boys is that awdacious now as no one ain't safe about them
streets off the Commercial-road, where we did use to live, and as to
the gals they're wuss than the boys, that bold as it gives you quite a
turn to see 'em. I'm sure the lot as was coming' out of one of them
penny gaffs over the road there, nobody wouldn't believe, and their
langwidge enough to turn your hair grey, as the sayin' is. As to
getting' a tidy gal to come and 'elp in the house they ain't to be had
for love nor money, and if they're at all decent the hairs as they gives
theirselves, and as to 'ard work they don't know what it means, and
wouldn't do it if they did." BRowN he's got a sneerin' way with
him sometimes, he says to me, "Why I'm blest if you ain't a-comin'
out as a reformer, MARTHA."
I says, Pr'aps I am, and plenty of room for it, but," I says, "it
does put me out for to hear of millions and millions a-bein' spent for
improvements of the poor, and to see them a-gettin' wuss and wuss
every day. In course I ain't a-goin' to say nothing agin what's done
at the church over the way where the bishop come and preached last
Sunday, as 'MELIA went to hear, and come and told me as he said he
wanted thousands and thousands to lighten the spiritual darkness as is of
course werry bad no doubt, but it seems to me as if them bishops and
ministers wants all they gets for theirselves, for there's the minister
at that very church, as is quite the gentleman, and his good lady as
nice a woman as ever opened her mouth, but what can she give away
with seven children, as is all to be brought up like ladies and gentle-
men, and as nice a family as you'd see anywhere in a day's walk,
pretty behaved and dressed that neat as is becoming but costs a deal
of money. I'm sure in winter they gives away all they can spare,
and she's a kind soul for helOin' any one in trouble, and mends up all
the baby-linen herself as is lent out to the poor; but law," I says,


"she must live, and so must the bishop, as looks very sour, and they
says is of the Scotch persuasion, not as he can help that through not
a-makin' hisself." BROWN says, He's got ten thousand a year, and
spends it a-lkeepin' up his state."
Wall," I says, I think he'd find lots as would be good Christians
on them terms; but they aggrawates me with their rubbish, for I'm
sure years and years ago there was the Bishop of Bethnal Green, as is
dead and gone now, he took and built a lot of churches, but, law bless
you, the ministers couldn't live out of 'em, they was all in debt, and
one took and destroyed hisself, and another, as was a widower with
eleven children, took and married agin, a school-teacher, as wasn't
eighteen, and him just on fifty; now they comes for money to build
more churches, as is quite right no doubt, only I hope they may fill
'em better than the ones they've got. It does seem so downright
ridiculous the way them bishops goes on, for there was a minister
down Stepney way as was doin' a world of good, a-fillin' the church,
with lots of children in the schools, though he ho4 a dozen to keep
of his own. Well, poor man, he was a-workin' his 'art out, and
wanted for to live and die among the poor, as he was always a-sayin'
from -the pulpit, leastways so Mias. WAppsa told me, as sot under him,
and shed tears for to hear how lovely he spoke, par.tikler when there
was collections. Well, poor man, if that bishop didn't take him
away from them poor as he loved, and put him into a large church in
the City where nobody never goesAear, and nothing whatever to do
from week's end to week's end, as must be very aggravating' to that
minister." Baown he busts out a-laughiz' and says, You precious
old mutton-head Why that parson gets over a. thousand a year for
doin' nothing, as is the same with lots of others."
I says, "Never, I won't believe it." Says Buoww, "That's the
reason as such lots sets their face zagin the church, and won't give
nothing to the Bishop's fun'." I says, "I don't see no fun in it
myself; why it's a swindle." He.says, Of course it is all trade."
I says, "I won't have you speak agin religion, BRowN." He
says, Who's a-speakin' again religion, as is a lovely thing as any
but a fool must admire P What I finds fault with is parties a-makin'
a livin' out of it, and never doin' a hand's turn for the poor really.
Just like that missionary chap as you found a-takin' tea with
'MELIA ANN." As was quitetrue, for I come home quite unexpected
one afternoon. about five, and see the fire a-burnin' veiy bright in the
kitchen, so.I knocks, and as soon as the gal opened the door I smelt
butter-toast. So I says, "I'm a-dyin' for my tea, and am glad as
you've. got. it.ready." She looks rather foolish and says "As she'd
got a friend to tea."
I says, "I hope it's' your mother or a sister, but did ought to have
mentioned it." So she says, "As it was a gentleman." I says,
"Never; no gentleman comes a-drinkin' tea on the sly in my front
kitchen, and you know as I don't allow no followers." I says, "Who-
ever is it ? She says, The gentleman as comes round with tracks."
That did put me out, so down I goes, and there he was a-settin'
drinking' his tea out of his saucer and his mouth full of buttered-toast
and cold ham, as that gal must have bought out of her own pocket,
Well, when he see me through a-drinkin' with his mouth full, as is a
greedy 'abit, he give a cough and was werry nigh choked, but I think
made a deal of make-believe over it for to get time for a excuse, for
when he'd got his breath he says to me, "Ah, mum, you've got a
Christian under your roof." I says, So I suppose, though you may be
a Jew by the look on you." Ho says, "I am of the 'ouso of Hisrael."
I only know'd one housee in that name, as was in the ready-made line.
So I says, "Oh, indeed!" He says, My eyes is opened, and my
'art is softened," and he says, "I hope you're a renewed character."
I says, "I've lived in this world many a long year, and no one 'as ever
dared to breathe a word agin my character, and as to its being' renewed,
it's never run out yet. He says, I should like to 'ave a little talk
with you serious." I says, Should you ? Well, then, you just won't,
for I don't want any of your cant; 'MELIA ANN, show this party out."
So he says, Won't you hear a word in season ?" I says, You will
in a moment if you don't walk." He says, Do you call yourself a
Christian ?" I says, Never you mind, that's my business. I never
interferes with any one's religion, and nobody shan't with mine, so I
wishes you a good evening. "Ah," he says, the natural man, the
natural man," and tells me as hoe hoped I might be softened. I says,
" I'm pretty soft, but not quite so green as to believe in you a coming'
a-spongin' on servant gals for tea and toast as don't belong to them,
and I'm sure as Mr. Hisrael wouldn't hold with you a-goin' about
with tracks, and eatin' cold 'am, but if ever I ketches you in my
kitchen agin, I'll just 'and you over to the police." You should 'ave
see him cut, and if I didn't find out as he'd had five shillins' out of
that gal for to convert the Jews. But all I've got to say is, that I
don't believe as much of that money as is give for the poor ever
finds its way to them.

ON DiTs.-It is rumoured that the late member for Totnes will be
known in future as ex-Pender."








FUN.


54






























I


THE POPULAR AIR.
Musical Genius (sings) :-"I woaD I WERE A BIRD."
Unmusical ditto :-" WHICH YOU WAS-A REG'LAR HOWL !


OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
WHEN there are so many childish stories written for the delecta-
tion of grown-up people, it is pleasant to find an author taking the
trouble to write a sensible and amusing tale for children. Indeed,
the rising generation is so well supplied with literature specially
written for it, and withal so well done, that we can easily imagine
that when it comes to years of discretion and sensation, it will look
back with regret upon the pleasant fields of fairyland and the romances
of childhood.
A capital little book of this class has been sent to us, entitled,
Karl-of-the-Locket, and his Three Wishes, by MR. DAVID SMITH, pub-
lished by NimMo, of Edinburgh. It is a story something in the
manner of ANDERSEN, with much of that writer's playful fancy and
delicacy of thought displayed in it, and cannot fail to be popular with
the audience to which it is addressed. That it is no easy matter to
write a good child's book is amply proved by the number of failures
in this line that we have witnessed of late years. Some of our
cleverest writers have condescended to write books for children.
THACKERAT'S Rose and the Ring is a model Kindermuihrchen, but in a
different style to HANS ANDER EN's, and Karl-of-the-Locket is a story
with a more serious purpose in it than either. We speak of this,
however, with no design of imputing to Mu. SMITH any intention of
preaching, a habit to which, in conjunction with indulgence in the
national stimulant, a large number of his countrymen are immode-
rately addicted. Karl-of-the-Locket simply inculcates upon the in-
genuous mind of youth the wholesome truth that unbounded gratifi-
cation of our wishes leads to weariness and satiety. And certainly
the pill of instruction is well wrapped up in the story, which surrounds
it like a bonbon.
MR. SMITH, who is, we understand, a brother of the author of the
Life D)rama, seems to have caught some of the poet's faculty for
picturesque and poetic description; and there is, moreover, a pretty
song enwoven into the story, which shows some lyrical power,
although the rhythm is much too irregular for music. The scene is


[OCTOBER 13, 1866.


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN.

No. 5.-LYDIA, DIC.
POETS there were in the olden times
Who wept like us over broken toys,
And mingled cears with lyrical rhymes
Of wondrous women and naughty boys :
Come now, LYDIA, tell me true,
What did HoltATIUS sing of you F
HonAcE's LYDIA, so it seems,
Put poor SBAints off his head,
Filling it full of love-sick dreams
When he went moodily home to bed.
Poor young fellow, they called him names
When he had cut the Olympic games.
Times have changed but in one respect
Butterfly youths seem still the same,
Though they're indifferent, please reflect
You are a swell at th' Olympic game!
When they visit the Wych-street play,
Whom do they sigh for, LYDIA, say ?


No. 6.-TB DUCE!
MERRY from Manchester home they came,
BUCKSTONE and company, stout and hale,
Winning as ever all sorts of fame,
For good old comedies can't get stale.
Back they came and we took our place,
Waited, alas! to our great surprise,
We looked in vain for a well-known face
And the gleam of a laughing pair of eyes.
"Where have you gone to ? Wherefore roam ?
Oh girl that Dundreary used to spoon!
Think of your friends and your cosy home,
DIANA, Queen of the Silver Moon!
Comfort came when we reached Soho,
Merrily ended our hideous dream,
For the laughing eyes and their gleam, you know,
May be seen in the face of Malcolm Gromme."


laid in Germany by the shores of the Binsensee, and Karl's adventures,
his humble education, his noble birth, and his trials and temptations
from apple-tarts to diplomacy, until he blossoms into the full-blown
Count Ehrenhertz, and is married and lives happily in the orthodox
fashion, will doubtless interest many boys and girls when the lesson-
books are thrown aside.
It is pleasant in this prosaic century to preserve some belief in
"die alten Fabelwesen," that SCHILLER lamented, and Mu. SMITa's
book is a pleasant contribution to the literature of the subject,
specially designed for the young heroes of the nursery.
We must not omit to mention that the book is prettily got up, with
a fairly-drawn illustration as frontispiece, and we can cordially re-
commend it as a present suitable for the prime of summer-time" and
the coming Christmas-tide.

FISHY.
AN Irish paper affords us food for reflection in the following par:-
"PASSING STRANGE.
"A report was laid before the board, stating that one morning this week a
quantity of small fish, of the species Pinkeen,' were found in the milk supplied by
one of the contractors, who was bound by the terms of his agreement to supply it
pure from the cow. Mr. Crean, clerk of the union, was requested to communicate
with the contractor for the purpose of ascertaining some facts connected with this
strange phenomenon."
This is indeed extraordinary! Such dairy-fed denizens of the watery
element must either be Milky White "-bait, or else the milk must
be largely supplemented by supplies from the cow with the iron tail,
in which case it might well be fishy.

The Head and Front of their Offending.
The huge busts that used to decorate the pillars in front of the
Sheldonian Theatre, at Oxford, have been removed. It is reported
that this is done because they were unsafe, but we understand that the
real reason is that the Dons feel that they virtually lost their heads
when they rejected GLADSTONE.










FU N.


A CORONACH.
I SPURNED thee in the summer hour,
All heedlessly, I trow;
But, ah, grim winter proves his pow'r,
And how I miss thee now!
Deem not these rhapsodies are bosh,
Macintosh! My macintosh !
I sought thee when the showers came,
O'er that dear form I bent-
I saw, with mingled dread and shame,
Within thy skirts a rent.
You're useless now You will not wash,
Macintosh! My macintosh !

Nothing New.
IN his inaugural address to the British Association
Mn. GROVE mentioned a fact which our worthy con-
temporary the Builder thinks might be made practically
useful. Mn. GiROVE stated that atmospheric air, drawn
through films of india-rubber leaves behind it half its
nitrogen, or in other words becomes richer by half in
oxygen. It is proposed to make use of this discovery to
oxygenate the air supplied in factories and other
crowded buildings. The idea seems novel, but there is
nothing new under the sun, and we need only remind
our readers that Mis. GLASSE long ,ago recommended
people to first caoutch(ouc) your 'air."

Ile-ly Probable.
THE Grocer speaks of the oil districts of Flint.
Surely procuring oil from Flint is analogous to a pro-
cess long believed to be impossible-the getting of blood
from a stone!

A Tear-ible Show.
THE Great Birmingham Onion Fair took place the
week before last. We have received a report of it
from an eye-wet-ness, but as the cry-sis is over we do
not intend to print it.


Fact Stranger than Fiction.
I' we were to tell our readers that an Irish magistrate had committed
a baby to jail on suspicion of its Fenian proclivities because it was
taken in arms," we should be told we were joking. We extract a
more extraordinary case of magisterial severity from the grave columns
of the Dublin Evening Mail :-
"Shortly after mid-day on Saturday, two children, named Bryan-one a girl
aged eight years, the other a boy aged three years and six months-were arrested
by a police-constable in Westmoreland-street for soliciting alms. They were taken
to College-street police station, and charged in due course, and were then brought
before the magistrate, Mr. C J. O'Donel, at the head police-office. The charge was
proved, and the magistrate made his decision. That decision was, that the girl
should undergo imprisonment in Grangegorman Penitentiary for fourteen days, and
be kept to hard labour I and that the boy, h3 years old, should be sent to Richmond
Bridewell, be there detained for 14 days, and kept to hard labour."
What is the hard labour MR. O'DONEL meditates for this little
one P At the age of three learning the alphabet is pretty hard work :
it is almost too early to inflict even such labour as that on this child.
The poor creature has been sentenced to hard labour already by the
miserable circumstances that drive such a mere baby to beg its bread
in the streets. If its parents were suspected of sending it out even,
the "learned" magistrate ought to have seen it was not a case for
visiting the sins of the fathers on the children.
We are glad to learn that the prison authorities have taken prompt
steps to upset this insane sentence. But the man who could pass it
ought never to have sat on the bench at all!

A Black Compact.
Ax advertisement in the Daily Telegraph reveals a political com-
bination of a most startling kind:
"Coals-Derby Bright--19s. 6d. per ton."
Such a coal-ition will indeed cause a flare-up!

Hear! Hear !
OuR solicitor, whose hearing is so dull that he wouldn't notice the
explosion of a powder-mill next door, describes his sense of hearing as
a deaf-icit.


55


Mfrs. Jones shooting over her own preserves.


anzoIerg to trmzoainnttz.

.E. H. T.-" Sketches in School" are very funny, but, you must see
yourself, are unsuitable.
J. B. W., Crowndale-road.-Yes; but they must be very good.
E. J. M.-There must be some error in the title you give to the female
head in your sketch-" Siren (No. 2) Margate-Catching." Ugliness is
not infectious.
E. L.-You need not try to make your lines immortal "by sending them
to FUN," they are such everlasting nonsense.
TELESCOPE need not send us rejected MS.
H. H., Pyke.-We wish your meaning were as plain as a pikestaff.
HACKNEY.-So's the joke.
THE Zozymus of Wapping and the Laura of Hastings cannot be entered
for literary craft.
S. E.'s "Touching Incident" was so heavy that even the Post-offlie
found it out and charged us extra for it.
IMPETUOSITY AND DELIBERATION" has met with a reverse. After
bestowing the latter on it, we committed it to the waste-paper basket with
the former.
G. W. D., Liverpool.-Thanks; but we have no space for such articles.
E. W. S., Camden-square.-Your rhymes are a frost.
THE author of An Excursion wants an answer, but does not send his
name hbut we can see it is not WORDS-WORTH.
T. P. N., Redland.-We don't see the joke, which is apparently some-
thing about a board, and may therefore be peculiar to Bristol.
A. B., Langham-place.-Under consideration.
C. T., Tavistock Hotel.-We are suspicious of a joke that comes ss
original from two or three quarters simultaneously.
G. C., New Cross.-Illegible and unintelligible.
Declined with thanks-Gemini; 0. 0. 0.; Tooraliday; Nijex; W. F.,
Glasgow; Emilie; Trilobite; C. S.; C. N., Glasgow; J. Y., Bayewater;
K. Z. G.; A. B.; M. A. A., Maida-hill; W. H. K., Gateshead; A Co-
o erator; W. H.; Silas; H. G. S., Bristol; F. H.; Tommy Traddlee;
. E. H., Camberwell; Ducky; A. M. U., Glasgow; H. G., Brighton;
A. G. ; T. B. W., Lee; R. T., Bristol; L.; A Pluralist; G. V., South
Shields; 3. W., Liverpool; A. S. R., Dalston; J. A. J., Catford; R. H.,
Strand; C. E. A., Maida-hill; Water Wagtail; W. P. B. ; E. B., South
Norwood; A Lad in his 86th Year; 0. P. A.; A. V. C., West Dulwieh;
Humbug; Only a Clod; M. P. T.


OCTOBER 13, 1866.]









56 F -U N .J [OCTOBER 13, 1866.


THE LOWTHER ARCADE.
BY OUR YOUNGEST.
I THINK the Lowther Arcade is the jolliest place in London. If
there were only a pantomime there and a sweetstuff shop, with every-
thing for nothing in it, I think it would be very like fairy-land.
When I grow up if I get rich I shall often go there and spend a great
deal of money-very likely quite ten shillings-in buying toys for all
the little boys and girls I know.
When I went there last, I bought akal--I don't know howto spell
it-but it's like a spyglass that don't pull out, and you look in at one
end and see all sorts of pretty patterns. But when the end came off
there was nothing in it but crooked pins and bits of coloured glass.
ToM bought a pin, with a real glass greyhound on the top. He gave
sixpence for it, and he is sixteen, and will be quite a man soon, so he
will be able to wear it. MARY bought a doll that squeaks; and it
didn't leave off squeaking when we brought it home, so the Lowther
Arcade is a jolly place; because CHARLIE bought a whistling Jack-in-
the-box of a man in the street for a penny, and when he brought it
home it would not whistle at all, and when we tried to make him the
spring came out at the back of his neck. Wasn t it a shame ?
I don't know why it is called the Lowther Arcade except that they
sell NOAH'S arks there. I have a NOAH'S ark that uncle bought me
there, but the animals' legs will break so. I stick in pins instead
when they come off. The elephant has four pins instead of legs and
he stands up capitally if you lean him up against the mouse, or the
pigeon, or any other beast that's about the same size. I've got NOAH
and Mus. NOAH, but I don't know which is which because BESSIE
washed them one day in the bath, and all the paint has come off.
Uncle says they must be ADAM and EVE now, but that's only his fun.
Did you ever have a glass peacock with a spun tail ? I had once,
but it fell into the nursery fire and got melted like MARY'S wax doll's
face when she held it to the fire to dry it after it tumbled into the
water jug. There are glass peacocks and wax dolls at the Lowther
Arcade, and drums and trumpets. There are boats there, but I don't
care about boats. If I want them I make them myself, because I gave
a shilling for one once in a toy-shop, and it wouldn't swim only bottom
uppermost, and papa says vessels don't do that, so it couldn't be right.
Somebody once bought me a box of soldiers at the Lowther Arcade.


They were grenadiers. The captain had a blue sword, and the drum-
mer had a yellow drum glued to his stomach. When they go out
marching they have to stand upon pegs on a thing like a lot ef pink
wooden scizzars, and go backwards and forwards very fast. Papa took
me to see the two sentries at the Horse Guards. They were not
marching, and that was why they were not on a pink wooden stand I
suppose.
I like the Lowther Arcade. When I am a man I shall walk there
instead of in the park. I can't get nurse to walk in the Lowther
Arcade because she likes the park. She sits on the seats there while I
play about. Her cousin often passes by there. He has a red jacket
and long legs-he is a very tall boy. Nurse says he is a soldier, but
he has not got a sword.

THE SMELLS OF LONDON.
AIR-" The Bells of Shandon."
WrrI recollection and great objection
I often think of the awful smells;
Which every rover beyond white Dover
Has learned to swear at while he blessed Bow bells!
I've smelt things nasty in deserts vasty,
By Delhi's minars and by Lucknow's domes,
But all my wandering has led to pondering,
And set me thinking of our English homes.
There's a smell at Cairo, and in mud and mire, oh,
On old Nile's banks you see the fellahs pine,
And cholera mounting from every fountain
Is scarce kept under by the Quarantine.
But I think Whitechapel may fairly grapple
With all these places for impurity,
And Cologne though smelling in every dwelling,
Can't beat the waters of the River Lea !

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Tenth Half-Yearly Volume of FSN, being
THE THIRD VOLUME OF THE NEW StRIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s.


London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phwnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 0SO, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, Oetober 13, 1866.









OOTOBrn 20, 1866.]



. .. ^ ~


FUN.


SUPERLATIVELY SEVERE.
First Youth:-" THAT'S HIM, BILL. HE'S THE 'BEST MAN,' HE IS!"
Crossing Sweeper:-" WELL, THEN, IPF HE'S THE BEST MAN THEY mstt BE
A SHINY LOT! "


57


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN.

No. 7.-PER ASPERA AD ASTRA.
A LITTLE actress put to sea-
She and her wits together-
Nor feared the waves' inclemency,
Or any stormy weather.
Among the famed St. James's crew
Her ready tact was noted,
And sailors own that very few
Have been so soon promoted.
The Ada Ingot, pretty waif,
Was kissed by breezes craven
She brought the Lady Teazle safe
Into a well-known haven.
With her no journey can be long,
Whatever ills betide it,
For every ship must skim along
With NELLY MOORE to guide it.

No. 8.-DUM VIVOSPERO.
THEY tell us the poor old drama's dead,
They talk of the past and begin to sigh;
For the present, they say, can't lift its head, *
Or hold a candle to days gone by.
They may talk as they like, but I'll engage
Their words'no sensible mind have stirr'd;
We may still hope on for our worn-out stage,
For women of intellect will be heard.
Grand old Rome wasn't built in a day-
We are not all poets and born to rhyme,
And practise, never mind what they say,
Will come to perfection in easy time.
If you want an example now promise to se
The Triple Alliance in Oxford-street,
And tell us your estimate candidly
Of the girl at the Huguenot Captain's feet.

0, law I
A LADY, who has purchased a "Vowel" washing-
machine, says that she finds the only vowel that will
wash is 0. Is she quite sure eau isn't a liquid?


FROM OUR STALL.
ON -Saturday, the 6th, another new theatre was opened in London.
Welcome, little stranger! FUN hopes to see many more, for there is
room for them. MR. BOeuICAVLT'S new drama, Flying Scud; or, the
Four-legged Fortune, is not a good piece, but it contains one situation,
and only one, which would save a worse. When Nat. Gosling, the
retired jockey, aged 60, finding his darling Scud riderless, throws off
his coat and waistcoat, calls for the drugged jockey's cap and jacket,
and resolves to mount Scud himself and ride him for the Derby, the
effect upon the audience is as of lighted turpentine on a tar-barrel.
Every man, woman, and child in the auditorium becomes hossy."
One touch of horseflesh makes the whole world pigskin. Even our
brief notice must terminate with the great Epsom Downs' scene, for
the piece itself terminates there. There are many mistakes in the
first two acts, the saddest being the introduction of a hornpipe danced
by girls dressed as jockeys in a ballet, and a stupid song sung by the
veteran Nat. Flying Scud should not be exposed to the night air a
few hours before the race, as Mn. BOUCICAULT perfectly well knows.
Bob Buckskin is a detestable name for a jockey, and unworthy of an
author who could invent so capital a cognomen for an old Jew "leg"
as -Me' Davis ; but this last is but a trifle. Notwithstanding its de-
fects, Flying Scud is a great success, and Fux is happy to congratulate
MR. SEFTON PARRY on his new venture, and to wish him all sorts of
good fortune-four-legged, hip-hip-hippo dramatic, and otherwise.
The drama is well acted-the lion's share of the responsibility and the
applause falling to that excellent actor, MR. GEORGE BELMORE. Miss
CHARLOTTE SAuNDERS was also warmly welcomed. The rest of the
characters are mere sketches, and, indeed, neither the veteran jockey
nor the too. meaty young one is full-length, but is boldly drawn
and skilfully portrayed.
Two extravaganzas on the subject of the opera of Der Freischutz
are now dividing the attention of that large section of the public that
doats upon burlesque, its puns, pink lights, parodies, primrose-coloured


fires, and general prettiness. One is at the Strand, the other at the
Prince of Wales's. For the present, we must confine ourselves to MR.
BURNAND'S piece at the Strand. MR. BYRON's, at the Prince of
Wales's, shall receive full notice next week. First come, first served.
The Strand extravaganza was entirely successful. It contains some
very "exquisite fooling." The incantation scene is especially good.
That the scenery is beautiful, and that the dresses are gorgeous, goes
without saying, for the liberality of the Strand directorate is well
known on these points; and we may be sure that Der Freischutz; or,
a Good Castfor a Piece will be seen for many nights at the popular
little playhouse near Temple-bar.

Last from Paris.
THE latest French novelty is, the papers state, a duck which has
been taught to imitate THERESA and sing lafemme d barbe." This
would be a sign of extreme intelligence on the part of the bird, and of
great imitative ability, for THERESA is anything but a duck. The re-
port originated with the paper called La France Chorale-a coral that,
in this case, is in the mouths of all who have not cut their wisdom
teeth. We have, and our belief is that the bird in question is no Duck
at all unless a canard, which is not a rara avis at this season of the year.

Not such a Great Mistake.
THE Court Circular reports that DON JOACHIM AuONON, the Governor
of Seville, has issued a decree which is a bungling imitation of LORD
CAMPBELL'S Act." It is so framed as to stop the sale of copies from
many of the best works of the old masters, and of casts from the finest
of the antique statues. Our contemporary, by a slip of the printer,
calls the Don Governor of Senille," and really his folly is only ex-
cusable on the ground of Senille-ity.

THE GREAT UNPAID.-The National Debt.


TOL. IV.








B8 T I N N [POTOBER 20, 1866..


OUT-OF-TO(WNK TALKT. I think I shall give up sandals, and take to long Henri-the-Fourth-
of-England shoon, criss-crossed like the dressing-gown. A certain
I joke about "poor feet," which was popular in, London some years
Sam thoroughly since, has just reached this obscure spot, and is hailed bythe humbler
J Ana pp y. s y inhabitants as a refreshing novelty. It is supposed lby them that its
SCuntry seat, in application to my sandalled trotters is peculiarly happy. After all,
ho o teigh eour- perhaps, long shoes turning up at the toes, a&di stenedi to the knees
rural village of by gilt chains, are less conspicuous. Adieus SNABLER.
r Blackbury, is a *-* We have despatched couriers right and left in, search of our
perpetualsource unfortunate contributor, and we, hope,, before our next; issue, to have
of comfort and him safe in Fleet-street. The uttei,'atsence'ofanythingto'gramblaat
consolation to seems to have turned his brain.-Eb.*
me. I have
christened it
Balm of Gil- DOdU .BLE ACROSTI1C.
ead," and I
have caused (Answer inow et.)
those soothing Srvw -iomi consumminrfliei-of fbreaiggizue-
words to be in- A Plihenix rises,:: it were'wel'tb-:schlool
scribedinHigh- An idle nation;that more ,earnest deeds
Church teot, Of.manhood, now may follow when it needs
with red ini" For Freedom isBtit seldom unmixed gain,
tials, on the Though won through years.o f bondageiand of pain.
gate posts of
the carriage-
sweepthatleads 1 d
to my portico. No liquid thatimen ever drink
I am decorating HathiW.half so great a power,
the place after Andimet Teetotalers ne'er'shritly,:
an approved lFidn using this each hour...
ecclesiastical 2 -
fashion, and all Say when tfld two' soprano hardltitoial.
S .-~- -- my window By-HANDEnsti"Smusic, witlreach ia trb edl :
frames are be- Was not thaticritic, wisely in thlftit
ingfilledinwith Who wished Both voicwsuintoisttite
st gained glassomaine (I forget the proper name) at eighteen pence a 31,
pane. I have a High-Church croquet set on my lawn-the hoops, -Orpon.th. aurth no faiir lhTrd
which were originally Norman in their architecture, are now Gothic You'll. finr, and Forttiues ample hand
(isn't it Gothic, when it comes to a point at the top ?), and I hav gga Siitang F.-.,.u, ias i p nre.
caused the pegs to be tipped with fleus-de-lys in brass. Moreover, the Ybu'll spemnthere if our chose to dine
balls are studded with silver stars, and the mallets are encircled with. A pleasant time from five to nine,
scrolls, on which are- painted legends in some foreign language- Then rise and pay your score.
probably Latin, but I don't know. I am endeavouring to persuade
my handmaiden, old MARTHA, to wear sandals, but she objects. She 4.
pleads bunions. I represent to her that sandals are capital things for In konegly state he ruled his subjects well,
bunions, but old MARTHA is obdurate. I have entered into an None came with troubles to his royal sidte;
arrangement with an Italian professor, who is to come and play solemn For 't would have been no easy task to- tell
music on an organ in an adjoining room for two hours a day. He is Their errands as he rode upon the tide.
to have eightpence, and is to find his own instrument. As I write, he 5.
is grinding the Old Hundredth, which helps me on enormously. The All languages to guess Acrostics pat in,
whole thing is quite cathedral-like. Is easy and you'll find this." that." in Latin
I wish I couldn't see over into the next garden. The young thing Seek it existent ever in idea,
with the roller annoys me amazingly. She interrupts the sainted calm Where Paris judged, and now in Idumea.
of my surroundings, and directs my attention to the world without. 6.
The world without is rather pretty down here. There is a long sweep A singer, we know, by a cardinal sent,
of mottled pasture land, reaching to the sea in the distance, but I hate To Court in Bavaria, gallantly went.
long sweeps. I remember reading a story of a long sweep who was 7.
stuck halfway up a chimney, and only came down by small instalments, No statelier keep the North could boast,
to the great grief of his disconsolate family, who were thereby done Than that on which, o'er NEVILLE's host,
out of their burial-club fees. I wish, too, that that young thing The silver saltire fw
wouldn't come and sing under my window. She has as sweet a voice Where many a battle won and lost
as Coriolanus's first citizen, but she sings idiotic songs. She'd wish eProved Scotsmen tru.and lost
to be a bird, that she might fly to me. What if I answer her ? I will Poe Scotmen tru
-stop a bit, bird," word," stirred," absurd "-I have it!
She'd choose to be a bird! ANSWER TO LAsT W EKx'a Aeos8Tic.
How utterly absurd G Georgic C
I thihk, upon my word, L Laura A
It never yet occurred A Alb B
Since Father ADAM stirred, S Soawfell L
That any one has heard S Scone E
So mad a wish averred Answers received to Oct. llth.-Correct:-W. C. B. 0.; Barbel; A Puseyfie
As that, to be a b-i-r-d !" A. Evans; A. B., No. 2; Copernicus; F. G. L.; Dandeleo Giganticus; Emanbry
Then I try to whistle a bird accompaniment, but there I break down. Coombes ld; Mignonrdette; AW., old; Liquorice; W. E. W.; O ; W.;
She stares at me in blank astonishment, and runs away. Iam afraid Whitehall; Erysi; W. B., Lincoln's-inn-flelds; A. E. 8.; We Three", "Jones
she thinks I am mad. I forgot to mention that I usually wear a brass of Clifton"; E. E. J.; Albertha; Blackheath"; C. H. W.; Dicky Saa';
V. B. W., Lloyds; Sam; J. G. G.; '. S. T.; J. W. G., Kensin'gon' 0e G A *
nimbus and a criss-crossed dressing-gown like an open jam-tart, and S; J. .; V. ., South-street; ub; Friends in CouncilA Fie
sandals. The sandal, are a fIl'are, being made by a local cobbler, in Human Shape," War Office; Herbert C. B.; Tommy Traddle-; W. T. Jackson;
The soles won't keep. se to the foot, but work round to the -nle-I TMr. Brown; Barbel"; Quilldriver; Ladbrke; H. S.; R. F. H.; Audrey; G. 0.;
suspect that there is something wrong about the thongs. Vhey are Liun Shorneliffe.-e never met with Po's line to a.
not good things for croquet-ing a ball (is it croquet, or croquet, or FUNEM CONTINVERE GAUDENT, Reform Club, says No. 4 is" an insult; but why
croquet, or croquet ?) and old MARTHA (who plays with me, but in did he not pay for the postage of his letter ? but wy
boots) sends the balls twice as far. She calls it creaky. Brain-'ed. Joke somewhere here.-E.,









OOTOBER 20, 1866.]


FU N.


THE FLYING SCUD.
SA0T I. Slme 1.-Love Lane,. near -3onoaster. Enter TOM MEREDITH.
'To~.-.Iaded, it was so! (Weeps.)
SCENE 2.-The Gates of Nobbley Park.
Enter JULIA LATTIMER and LoRn WooDrIE.
3LO W.-I am fourteen, and I love you!
w~Ia.--Fie, my lord! You are too young.
,LYBD W.-Oh, bother!
SAitU.- If you love me, discontinue that awful habit of swearing.
[Discontinues,awful habit of aseawing. XR.
LA W.-Will you wed me ?
,JIA&,--Not until you are oldoenough to go to Eton. [Tableau.
SCENE 3.-Flying Sou's Stable. ,
Enter BOB, the stable-boy, andf AT GosLuO.
:Bo.-Iam getting stout.
WAT.-That's because you're always getting beer. [Eesunt.
.Enter KATIE RIDEOUT and CAPT, ESNDLEY GOODGE.
,OAPT. G.-Katie, you can guess why, I have brought you to this
stable. It is to propose to you. I love you.
KATIE.-Never !
:OAPT. G.-Ha! scorned P? Then I will look you up with Flying
SBud [Shoves her into a loose box and locks the door. Exit GooDGn.
Enter Tom MEREDITH.
ToM.-I love Katie, and she.is here! ([fears screams from KATIE in
loose box.) Ha! My Katie in a loose box! 'Then she is a-guilty I
[Exit, insensible.
SwEn 4.-The .Library in No.bley Hall. Preparations for reading the
Squire's Will.
LA.wYrE.-This is the Squire's Will. I give everything to-in-
oluding Flying Scud-Tom Meredith.
OAeT. G.-Ha! disinherited!
ToM.-Capt. Goodge, as everything.is .mine now, and notwithstand-
ing that the will has not yet been proved, and although I am not one
of-the deceased's executors, hand me over the key of Flying Scud's
stable.
COAPT G.-As everything .is, &c., and notwithstanding that, &c.,
and'although you are not, &c., here is the key-but I will be avenged.
Tom.-Nat Gosling, I loved your granddaughter, Katie; but I have
discovered her in a loose box, and after that, of course, I can't marry
her. [Tableau.
ACT II. ScENs 1.-Hyde Park, Cumberland Gate. Enter NAT.
NAT.-This is our family rendezvous. We conduct all our business
here, just inside the park, by Cumberland Gate, and opposite the
eurds-and-whey shop. It's so quiet and retired.
Enter KATIE.
KATIE.-Ha! Grandfather! [They hug.
Enter Bon.
BoB.-Flying Scud is the favourite for the Derbiy!
NAT.-It's five-and-twenty year since I rodein a race! [They weep.
Tableau.
SOeNE 2.-COL. MULLIGAN'S rooms in Piccadilly. COL. MULLIGAN, Mo'
DAvis, and CHOUSER breakfasting in a corner. The usual foils and
boxing-gloves, to indicate MULLIGAN'S downward career.
CoL. M.-We will doctor Flying Scud.
ALL.-We will! [Exeunt.
Enter JULIA LATTIMER and LonD WOODBIE.
LOuD W.-Still I love you.!
JuLA.-Still you are too young. Retire up and grow older!
[Retires up and grows older.
SGENE 3.-NAT'S Lodging. Enter CAPT. GOODGE.
CAPT. G.-This is Nat's lodging; and lo, he comes.
Enter NAT.
OAPT. G.-Sell me the key of Flying Scud's stable, and here are two
thousand pounds! .
NAT.-Done. (Aside to audience.) Wait a bit, you'll see-it'll be
all right. (Aloud.) Here is the key.
GOODGE.-'Tis a-very well! [Exeunt. Tableau.
SCENE 4.-The Pigskin ilub. Jockeys discovered in full colours, and all
standing in the third position, with right hands on their hips, and
combs in their back hair. Enter NAT.
NAT.-I have sold Flying Scud!
ALL.-Shame!
NAT.-But listen. I know a horse that is own brother to Flying
Scud. They are, in fact, twins. I will substitute one for the other.
Here are two thousand pounds, divide them among ye.
ALL.-Good! We will express our joy in a jockey hornpipe.
[Express thtir joy in a jockey horpipe, whatever that may be.


Sor"s 5.-The straw yard. .Flying Sawi twin "iter divesMe laking
out of afir't-.for toindw.
Enter CAPT. GOODGE, disguised apparently. ae qvildrim.
PILoaRI.-I have come to doctor Flying Scud.
Enter NAT.
NAT.-All right. (-Exit PILGRIM.) It's the wrong'un!
SCENE 6.-The .Derby Day. (Opposite the Grand Stand.)
Enter BOB BUCKSKIN and NAT GOSLING.
Bon.-The jockey that was to have ridden Flying Boud has been
hocussed!
NAT.-Then I will ride for him!
[Rides and wins easily by a jerk. Joy of wooden erwd.
Enter NAT on the winner.
NAT.-I haven't yet been weighed, but no matter. I will just
trot Flying Scud through the carriages in front of the Grand Stand-
.it'll do him good. [General joy. Tableau.
ACT III. ScENE 1.-Mo' DAVIS at hoie.
CoL. M.-We will cheat Tom Meredith at cards, and forge an
I 0 U in Lord Woodbie's name, and raise money on it, for an I O U
is always a good negotiable security.
[They forge an I 0 U and esmemt.
ScenE 2.-No matter.
Somcs 3.-The Tattenham .Club. GooDon and MULLIGAN playing at
cards with MEREDITH. Mo' DAvis telegraphing contents of MaaR-
DITH'S hand in a most unmistakable manner.
MaBEDITH.-I will play you-ar-for-ar-everything I-ar-
possess-ar.
Enter LORD WOODBIE,
GeooDG.-'Tis well. [ Wins everything MEREDITH puSssMes.
LORD W.-Goodge, I saw you cheating I
GOODGE.-Ha! Presumptuous boy I [Knocks him down.
Loin W.-We will fight, at Calais! [Tableau.
SeNsE 4.-No matter.
SeNa 5.-No matter.
SOENE 6.-Calais Sands, illuminated by three moon.
Enter MULLIGAN and GOODGE with riding-whip to show that he has just
trotted over.
GooDGE.-This is the place where I was to meet Lord Woodbio.
Enter MEREDITH.
MEREDITH.-Lord Woodbie cannot come! I will fight you instead!
Enter JULIA LATTIMER disguised as LORD WOODnnE.
JULIA.-I am here. Let us fight. [They flqht. JULIA is wounded.
JULIA.-I am Julia. I would not let Lord Woodbio fight until he
was old enough to go to Eton. So I came instead. [Tableau.
ACT IV. SCENE 1.-No matter.
SCENE 2.-LoRD WOODBIE'S room.
Enter LADY WOODBIE, JULIA, and LunD WoonDrs.
LADY WooDBIE.-You are worthy to be the wife of a lord, although
you are the scheming sister of an acknowledged blackleg. Take him I
[Takes him.
Enter TOM MEREDITH.
Tom.-Now to hunt down the villains!
SCENE 3.-Mo' DAVIS's garret.
Mo' DAvls.-I will take all the money that belongs to Goodge and
bolt. [Takes money and hides under table.
Enter GooDoE.
GOODGE.-Now to get my money and bolt. Ha! it is gone! That
villain Mulligan's got it.
Enter MULLIGAN.
MULLIGAN.-Now to get Goodge's money and flee. Ha! it is gone!
That villain Goodge has got it.
GoonDG.-Mulligan, we will fight.
MULLIOAN.-We will.
[They fight and upset the table, discovering Mo' DAvis.
Enter EVERYBODY.
EvrnYnoDY.-Ha!
LORD W.-Goodge, you have forged an I 0 U for 2,000. Confess
that Katie got into the loose box against her will, and you are free.
GOODGE.-I will confess anything you like if you will lot me go.
MEREDITH.-This is most satisfactory. A more disinterested ad-
mission I never heard. Katie, come to my arms.
[They love each other.
NAT.-And if our Flying Scud will signify its approbation, there
won't be a happier party in all England than
Our Friends in Front!
CURTAIN.


















































A MODEL HUSBAND AND A LAY FIGURE.
What Miss Grundy saw in her brother-in-law's studio.
What Miss Grundy said about it to her sister :-" PERFECTLY DISGRACEFUL-AND TO CROWN IT ALL SHE WAS BALD! "


G IFTS.
I GAVE you when first we were plighted, mine own,
A bright nosegay of blossoms of spring:
Of tulips and larkspurs and roses full blown,
Such a gift as a lover might bring.
You accepted the gift with a smile of delight,
As an omen of happiest hours-
And you sighed, May our future be ever as bright
As this day which you garland with flowers."
I gave you, on reaching your twentieth year,
A turquoise forget-me-not ring,
With a hint of a plainer one-scarcely less dear,
That around your loved finger should cling.
You blushed and you smiled, as the present you took,
Like a morning in April so bright,
And I felt myself amply repaid by the look
Which so filled my existence with light!
I gave you-as close by the altar we stood-
A hand that was honest and true,
A heart, which was bursting with schemes for your
good,
And six hundred per annum, love, too!
You accepted the gift and became Mlts. G--
Yes, the sweet little wife I adore;
But now, my beloved one, quite plain I will be,
And I've one gift to offer you more!
I give-do not tremble or gaze with surprise,
We've been wedded a good many years,
And you know well enough that I love those blue eyes
Far too well to suffuse them with tears-


I give-do not blame my decision, my sweet-
I give you-aye, there is the rub!
I give you my word if there's only cold meat
I shall certainly dine at my club!

A CHEAP ARISTOCRAT.
IN the Times the other day the following advertisement might be
seen modestly appearing among the crowd of want places" and
houses to let:-
A BARONET'S SON, who has resided much upon the Continent, desires to travel
with any family or person going abroad. Terms, travelling expenses and
salary to be agreed upon, etc.
This is an opportunity that the inferior middle-classes ought not to
lose, and the privilege of travelling with a real live baronet's son
would amply compensate for any additional pecuniary outlay. It is
to be hoped, however, that his terms are not too high, and that the
luxury may be indulged in at a moderate price. We can readily
imagine that a gentleman who desires to travel in this way may have
very particular reasons for not wishing to reside in England; reasons
like those which keep a certain noble duke on the continent, when a
meaner man would long ago have been the occupant of a police-cell.
The trustful confidence in the proclivities of the British snob which
evidently animates the baronet's son will not, we hope, go unrewarded.
Maly he find some one credulous enough and snobbish enough to pay
him handsomely to travel on the continent; and when once he is
located in the happy European city he favours with his presence, by
all means let him remain there. Oar respect for the badge of Ulster
is not increased by such ignoble touting."

A DROP TOO MUCH.
WuY should teetotalers never hold their meetings at a theatre ?-
Because there ought not to be a drop-seen at them.






F U N .--OOTOBER 20, 1866.


OUR BOYS IN BELGIUM.
Ptu. rp.,ailia Bul :-"NOW, MY LAD, MIND YOU UPHOLD THE HDNOLT L1 OUR NAME!"







20-86;


I:


FU


MRS. BROWN AT A ;'" KNOCK OUT."
I WAS expecting' as our 'LIZA and her husbandd would be a-comin' up
to see me about Christmas, and as we hadn't never furnished our
sp.rt room regular, I says to BROWN as I should like to do so. "Well," ,
he says, what will it cost?" t
Why," I says, "about fifteen pound laid out judicious would i
mat.e a little pallis on it." He says, "You may do it then."
I says, I tell you what I means to do." He says, What's that ? "
Why," I says, attend a sale, as old MaR. LoVEGROVE'S is to be
s..id off to-morrow," as 'ad lived and died in the same house five-and-
tra. ty years, and his good lady a-dyin' only the year afore, as was a b
rqt'lar comfortable couple, with furniture kep' that beautiful as it was
a pleasure for to see, as I know'd through, once bein' in the housee s
myself for the character of a servant as turned out bad, though that
old lady give me no false character, but 'ad been took in herself. t
BROWN he says to me, "Now, look here, don't you go a--pendin'
money on rubbish, and get a lot stuck into you as ain't no good." I
says, "I knows my way about, thank you."
The next day I goes into MB. LOVEGROVE's, and. law, it give me
quite a turn for to see the housee that topsy-turvy, as the sayin' is, and,
all the beddin' a-layin' about, with a bit of carpet a-'angin' from the
balcony.
Them brokers' men always gives me the errorss, through well
a-rememberin' their ways in a place where I once lived, as come to
the 'ammer, as the sayin' is; but one on 'em, as was, I should say,
bad off, and seemed a-chewin' tobaccy, give me a card in .the name of
MouLDs, as says he should be 'appy to serve me.
I says, "'Ow do you think the things will go ? He says, "Why,
there's some things as is old-fashioned, and some things is new."
I looks about me, and sees with arf a eye as there was a-many
things in that housee as never belonged to Mit. LOVEGROTE in this
world. They was a-goin' to sell the things in the first floor front, as
was a fine room, but soon got that crowded and stuffy as I couldn't
hardly breathe through 'avin' got a seat near the auctioneer, as was
a-settin' with a chair and a little table upon the dinin'-tablej as I'm
sure would 'ave broke MRs. LOVEGOVEo's 'art to 'ave seen.
There was a-many handsomee things as they put up sold ridiculous
low, but not what I wanted, then a deal of rubbish, and that broker
as 'ad give me the card he was a-standin' near and kep' a-tellin' me
about the things through me a-nudgin' on inconstant for to know what
he thought on the lots.
They kep' on ever so long a-sellin' things as wasn't worth looking'
at let alone buyin', and then they said as there was some wine as was
werry'fiib, and drawed a cork for to taste it; so that broker he give
me a glass, as I took off, but never did I taste such winegar in my
life, and I'm sure as them as took it thought the same,, for every one
spit it out agin all over the place, as my shawl can show the marks
on, likewise my dress, as is a Saxony cloth a fawn colour, as shows the
least stain.
So' I says to one feller, I says, Look where you're a-spittin' to, if
you please." Well, jest then another as 'ad filled his mouth with
wine give a choke and a cough and downright smothered me. I
jumps up and says, You nasty beast, keep your feelings to yourself,"
and I give 'im that shove as sent 'im flyin', and ketched two parties,
leastways one on 'em, as was coming' in with a chest of drawers, as
throwed them back'ards, and drove them right through the winder
drawers and all. I never 'card such a smash.
"Who did that?" says the auctioneer. "This old 'ooman with
the yeller shawl," says a feller.
It's a falsity," I says. And says party as were of the Hebrer way
of thinking I see you shove the man wiolent, as did ought to be
ashamed of yourself."
I says, "I was spit all over with that dirty wagabone's wine."
Says the auctioneer, "Turn her out, she's intosticated. I see her toss
off the wine myself, as was only for tastin', not for swallerin'."
I says; You're intosticated yourself," I says, to talk sich rubbish.
However can any one taste anything as they don't swaller; but," I
says, "let me out." "You'll 'ave to pay for the winder afore you
goes," says a feller, "and give them men something as you might 'ave
injured for life."
I didn't stop to argufy, but hurries out of-the room, when up
comes that MoULns the broker, and says, You must pay a deposit."
I says, "What for ? the winder ? No," he says, the goods."
I says, What goods P?" "Why," he says, what you've bought."
I says, "I've bought nothing." He says, "You 'ave, all these
lots," and shows me a cattylog as was all marked.
I says, "Whatever do you mean ? I never opened my lips." "No,"
he says, "but you told me."
I says, Told you! Why, I do believe as you'd say anything but
your prayers, and them you whistles, as the sayin' is." He says,
Don't take up my time; I've other folks as wants things."
I says, "Let 'em 'ave 'em, then, for I don't want 'em and won't
'ave "em;" for of all the rubbish as he'd bought for me you never


SN. 63


id. A old slipper bath that long as I never couldn't 'ave got it into
ny passage; a tent bedstead and some boddin', as never belonged to
Mas. LOVEGHOVE, I'm sure, the werry sight on it made me creep, as 1
Wouldn't 'ave 'ad come within a mile of my place for the world; a
ot of plated things with the copper showing through ; three washin'-
ubs as the oopss was off; a clothes-'orse as wouldn't stand upright
n my kitchen; and a old baby's cradle; a gardin roller; poor old
iM. LovEGROVE's chair as he was drawed about in foolish; a plate
rack ; some fiat-irons; and a lot of empty bottles.
So I says, Do you mean to stand me out as I bought them things ?"
'Yes," he says; "that is, you kep' a-nudgin' me everything as 1
)id for."
I says, In course I did, but only for to say what rubbish, and
iuch a price they was going' for." "Well," says the man, "I see
you'd set your 'art on 'avin' em, and so kep' a-biddin', and they comes
o eleven pounds five without my commission."
I says, "I never bought 'em and will never pay for 'eni, so that's
all about it. Let me out," I says, "I won't stop in sich a den of
thieves and I makes my way out, leastways I tried to, but they'all'
crowded round me, sayin' 1 was a swindler and all mannomr and>
kep' a-uslin' me about, and I'm sure I got a elber in my chest as,
hall feel to my dyin' day. It's a mercy as I'd a steel busk, as saved
my life I do believe, for it broke the wiolence of that blow as ketched
me in breath, as I thought I should never be able to draw free agi.
I staggers to a corner where I could get my back agin the wall, and-1 I
says, as soon as I could- speak, "You let me out." Says old Mou Ls,
"You pay me."
I says, "I shan't." I says, You're a set of rogues and wagabognes,
as is trying' for to cheat me and every one else. 1 see what you are-
a regular knock-out lot. I'm up to your games; there ain't nothing
green about me." So says a old party, "You'd better square it.. '
essay as he'd take a fiver, and let you off anything as you donit4pa.-
tikler want."
"No," I says, "you don't get no fivers or tenners neither out of
me. I never bought the things, and wouldn't 'ave 'em at a gift"
I says, "As to that beddin' it turns my stomic to look at it, so let'
me ass."
ell, there they all stood, and I waits for a chance, and all of a
sudden give a rush wiolent for the stairs as led to the door, asisieoly,
three or four. Just as I give the rush there was a man a-comin' up
with a Turkey carpet on his 'cad, as in course couldn't see me
a-comin'. I couldn't stop myself, and on to him I pitches. Down he
goes carpet and all, and it's a mercy the street-door was shet, or we
should both 'ave rolled into the street. There was that man in: the
passage with the carpet and me a-top on 'im a-roarin' like ten thousand
bulls as he was killed and boin' smothered.
I do believe as them wagabones 'ad give me a shove, and I'm sre
the way as they 'auled and pulled at me for to drag me up was down-
right disgraceful, let alone the pinches as has made me rainbowm
When I got.up there was a female as took compassion like., onao,,,
and kep' a-sayin', "Ahl! poor dear, she didn't go to do it, and.-a,Vwry
little affects some."
I says, Mum, I am sure as you can't be no lady, or you wouldnu',
never be insinuatin' like that, for as to liquor I ain't took nothing but -
arf a glass of that winegar, as I feels the cold shudders through mai,
now." Well, then," she says, pr'aps you ain't, but no one to look
at you wouldn't believe it," and jest then I ketches sight, of mys1 i
in a glass, and if my bonnet wasn't regular smashed in and my; front.
was under my chin.
I soon set myself to rights, and in course I give that poor man. asi
I'd been and fell on a trifle, as were a decent sort, though he didaty,-
as he never could 'ave believed as I weighed that 'eavy, as of course
would seem so to 'im, as the 'uman 'ead wasn't never formed for to
bear the 'uman body uppermost.
When I'd picked myself up a bit I says to that old MO irLu as.
kep' a-folle:in' me, Now I ain't a-goin' to 'ave nothing more to say..
to you. Come and speak to Ma. B owN, as you'll find at 'ome,any.,
evening' except Wednesday, as is 'is club," and off I walks, them broker
chaps a-jeerin' behind my back, as I went down the front gardia, but, I
bless you, they never come near BuowN, though he did aggrawato me
by a-sayin' as he'd heard say at the club as I'd fell down-stairs at thu
sale, and nearly shook the housee down and injured several for life all
through a-tastin' too free at the wine. But all I got to say is as.
them brokers is the scourge of them sales, as in my opinion, thv
auctioneer did ought to put 'em down hissolf if a 'onest man.


Unbridled Luxury.
WELL may our contemporaries inveigh against the extravagance of
the women of the present day. In The Birminghamn and Midland Hard-
ware .District we read that the daily call for pins in this country is
fifteen millions. Some idea of the lavish expenditure of the ladies may
be gleaned from the amount of pin-money this represents.








FUN.


[OOTOBER 20, 1866.


THE PLATFORM AT LUDGATE. pany to be late in order to give time for their perusal. He makes a
SL. mental note never to buy of those advertisers, but has plenty of time
The British public waiting for the 8.37 train, to find out the folly of such a determination, because everybody
advertises, and he must go somewhere for what he wants. So he asks
BY SYLVANUS SUBUBBAN. the officials with bitter sarcasm, whether they think the train will be
WHAT I complain of is, that they won't even be punctual in their in soon; and they give him soft answers which do not turn away
unpunctuality. You can no more rely on their being uniformly late than wrath, but make him feel as if he were a steam-engine with some-
you can on their starting at the time stated in their tables. As a rule, I body sitting on the safety-valve! How it is that the courteous stout
am at the station by half-past eight, and then I've generally had to official who has the starting of the trains isn't worn to a shadow I
wait for various periods ranging from fifteen minutes to an hour. But can't guess.
on the two or three occasions-the exceptions which prove my rule- [NOTE.-Allowance must be made for MR. SunuRBAN'S irritation.
when I have reached the station at 8.38 I have found the train had It is of course impossible to expect exact punctuality in trains. But
started. The result is, that one has to spend so much time in the there is room for improvement.-En.]
station that when the tax-collector leaves a form at one's office, wherein
one is directed to state place of residence," conscientious scruples arise
whether Ludgate Station would not be the proper return to make. If SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
time were money, in a tangible form, the embarrassed company would
be able to clear off all its debentures--all its liabilities with the sums NICHOLAs ON THE CESAREWITCr AND THE INSTABILITY OF
accumulated between 8.37 and the arrival of the so-called 8.37 train at PovuLAn FAvouE.
Ludgate-the involuntary contributions of passengers. NORFoLKsHIRE.
I may be giving this particular train an undue partiality; there MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,-How true, Sir, is the poerverbial saying,
may be-in fact, I know there are-plenty of other trains during the that a Prophet is without honour in his own country! The public
day which fail to keep their engagements. But the 8.37 train is one is more insatiable than the raging tiger in its thirst for Sportive
that takes a man home when he has been kept later than he should Novelties; and if you are absent from your post a single day, there
have been at business, and it professes to land him in the bosom of his are a host of individuous and malignant subscribers ready to call you
family in time to bid the little people good night, and before the tea- all the foul abuse as they can lay their tongues to. You may devote
pot has been completely drained of all its virtues. He finds himself your whole energies to their service; you may rise early, not as I
on the platform surrounded by other victims, and he hates himself often do so myself, and you may sit up late, which is my own habit;
and them, and nourishes a deadly hatred against the polite officials you may burn the midnight gas, and take not a drop more spirits and
(they are not going home by that train), and against the passengers water than what is absolutely necessary to promote the flow of pro-
who are going off by all sorts of other trains that don't go his way. phesy; you may give them, as I gave, the absolute First, Second, and
He bethinks him of one or two little things he might have done be- Third in the most closely-contested race of the whole year; and then,
fore he left the office, one or two little commissions he might have per- if you accept a pressing invitation to Norfolkshire for a few weeks'
formed on his way, if he had not been in a hurry to catch his train! shooting, and the stupid lout to whom you confide your weekly country-
Catch his train! Why, if he were to set out and walk home at once, the bution that he may take it to the train, forgets to do so, or loses it, or
chances are the train would not catch him! But then, Of course!" makes up a cock and a bull story of my never having given it to him,
he says to himself, bitterly, if I had been late the train would have why, then, forthwith the Public turn round upon you. It is :-" What
been early!"- and the chances are that it would, has become of NIcoLAs, and why has he not given us a tip for the
He walks up and down the platform fuming-reads the advertise- Cesarewitch P" or it's "Has the old Prophet, Mr. Editor, been
ments with a vague suspicion that their exhibitors may bribe the com- a-pegging away at the sherry-wine ?" or it's Do you call yourself a


64

i F








IOOTOBnS 20, 1866.] 1QJ IN GO
o 1866.N FU $.


Sportive Orgin with never so much as a analysis of the Seizerwitch ?"
which I have the illiterate dog's manuscript now in my possession.
O, my dear young Friend, such is the ingratitude of the Multitude,
the Fickle Mob! BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
A literary friend of the Prophet's was telling him the other day ought that the saying blind as a mole wa due
about a Classical Gentleman who, when the correctness of his accounts I HAVE always thought that the saying "blind as a mole was due
was doubted, took them off the file, as a man may say, vouchers and to a vulgar error as to the eyes of the burrowing quadruped, but there
all, and tore them up, to show his disdain for the individuous imputa- seems reason to suppose it ay refer to the judicial blindness of a
tion. Sir; I think I have attained a position as your Sportive Editor reverend west country magistrate. There comes a report, well vouched,
which warrants my following the example of that historic swell. from Barnstaple which is enough to make a man open his eyes wide
Your correspondents wants to hear my "Defence," as they call it. enough to see how purblind the REv. FRANCIs MOIE was when he
One of them-and well do I know the Sordid Old Wretch's scrawl!- sentenced-and in harsh terms-to fourteen days' hard labour a farm-
say, We will not condemn Mn. NICHOLAS unheard, but we wait for servant named JeHN WILLIAMS, who had absented himself from his
an explanation." master's service during harvest "-the said JoHN WILLIAMS having a
IVery well, Sir, yoe may wait! wife and child to support, and being unable to get any money from
The stupid lout to whom I have already referred, alid which I am his employer. There should be two sides to every bargain, as to every
I proud to say he have got the sack, he, Sir, knows the truth, and so do I; question, and if WILLIAMS agrees to work for a certain wage he should
but, so far as NIHnoLAs is concerned, it shall remain for ever battled get that wage; or failing it, should be justified-and would be in the
in a bosom, than which, perhaps, none ever felt a more righteous glow eyes of a Christian-in seeking elsewhere the means of giving food to
of indignation though a little pained. his wife and child. I don't think the reverend "justice will be able
As I have not the evidence to prove it, I scorn to tell you that to clear himself as the Dublin magistrate has done, who committed a
Lecturer was my fancy all along. Those who like to believe me may child of three to prison with hard labour. This latter gentleman
do so; those who don't may do the other thing. states that "hard labour was part of the printed form-a statutory
Meanwhile, see what your correspondents have saved through he. punishment he had no power to remit, but which he knew could not
being Sportive Editor. Why, Sir, every other Prophet gave Proserpine be enforced; and he says he committed the children to secure them for
or Chepstow, and thousands have been lost accordingly by the credulous a time at least against a life in the streets. I must say that he seems
dupes who blindly follow the advice of well-meaning but incompetent to have gone a roundabout way for a very small benefit. Were ther0
Tipsters; whereas no admirer of NICHOLAs can say as he is a penny no reformatories he could send them to? or would not a remand, whidh
the poorer through my selections for the Cesarewitch. Facts like would have given charity time to step in, have been better thaftai
these, Sir, speak trumpet-tongued, or even a whole brass band. sentence to jail ?
I was afraid, however, my dear young Friend, as it might throw a UT sNHAPPY India! European rule has done little to benefit her-or,
gloom over the subscriptions to the Memorial; but, after all, human ictodeedri somewhat the ost us dropeans who ae concerned in rulings we ht.
nature has its redeeming points, and if some have been abusive others Victornes that have cost us dear are about the only. honours wa hba
have- coid forward, like true friends of the national pastime, with ever gamed from the great province. And we owe to it many a blot
which 'y name it ie now associated throughout the terrestreous globe. on the fair page of our history from the days of WAnuEN HASTxIre to
It must be delightful, Sir, to your kind heart for to see how your the famine days in our own time. Not the least ugly blemish in the
generoudi appeal have been responded to. Please acknowledge as it recent history of our administration is the Simla court-martial, in which
follows :- the Commander-in-Chief of our Indian forces has figured as plaintiff,
TuH NIbHoLAs TESTIMONIAL. prosecutor, witness, judge, and executioner. He charged-to use his
own words-two frightful" crimes against one of his aides-de-camp,
Amount already acknowledged .. .. 8 9 3 who on these two charges is honourably and fully acquitted by the
Onle wh o hates oppression Nichol 1 0 court. But the prosecutor had, during the progress of the affair, added
Collectedby the Scottish National Nicholas three supplementary counts, amounting, in so many words, to this:-
Committee (2,137 subscribers) .. .. 0 10 that the innocent man when accused and treated as a felon was
"Sportmans" (Paris) .. .. 0 9 naturally too indignant to be calmly discreet. He is found guilty"
An Admirer of Talent .. .. .. 0 2 6 of this very natural conduct, sentenced, and recommended to mercy.
Gentlemen employed at MR. Mirr's the Unfortunately, for the credit of the high office filled by SIR W. MAes-
eminent tcher's .. .. .. rELn, his Excellency, though he possessed all the qualities necessary
A Poor Curate .... 5 0 0 for the various duties of plaintiff, prosecutor, witness, "judge, and
Liberality- (penny short-stamps) .. 0 0 11 executioner, lacked the one quality of mercy, for he showed none.
n, nBut I'm bound to say that it seems to me he was in this very impar-
15 7 3 tial. If he showed no mercy to CAPTAIN JEnVIS he showed none to
.NICHOLAS. his own reputation!
SP.S. 2.-Why do y hot answer my repeated inquiries with regard I HAV always a dread of elegant little volumes of verse, neatly
to my Knurr and Spyell F What have you done with it ? bound, clearly printed on toned paper, and otherwise turned out in the
best style. One opens them and finds them full of amiable medio-
crities, so earnest and so well intended, that it gives one the heart-
PHILOSOPHY. ache to say the truth of them, because one knows how it will pain the
writers of the kindly commonplace and vapid versification. However,
ALAS! alack! and well-a-day! to compensate for the discomfort one generally receives from such
How short my cash is running, volumes one lights now and then on a poet who has no business in gilt
I find I cannot make my way edges, bevilled boards, and old-faced type. This is the case with MH.
By poetry and punning. SAWYER, whose neat little collection, Ten Miles from Town, is full of
But poverty is not a crime, merit of a high order, and promise of a yet higher. I find that with a
And I am young and clever, cheerful disregard for delicacies of type and paper, which proves how
rhis kind of thing will end in tie- good the book is, I have turned down the corners of several pages
It can't go on for ever. as I glanced through the volume. Pretty covers, thick paper, and
My health is in a pretty state!- gilt edges are very proper for the illustrated edition of TuPsirn that
I'm something of a sceptic lies on the drawing-room table; but for the real poets we like and
Regarding the decrees of Fate love, commend me to the commonest and cheapest style of publication,
(Which means that I'm dyspeptic), that we can pencil-score, and thumb, and turn down the loaves of.
But this may alter by and by. s ca. SAW Ei, the author of len Miles fromi Town, has another volume
Shall I despair ? No, never in the press I see-he's welcome to my hint, for I think if he goes on
I must in time get well or die; in this way he is likely to be thumbed and pencil-marked by-and-by.
It ean't go on for ever.
I love-and I must bear the woe On a New Footing.
To which my folly dooms me: THE COMTESSE DE NOAILLnoA hns addressed a letter to the Ladies'
Sho knows, but will not seetnto know, Sanitary Association," advocating the practice of going barefoot, as more
The passion that consumes me. :healthy and cleanly than-and as a preventive of the deformity which
My heart is fettered in a chain often results fiom-wearing boots and shoes. This would be putting
Impossible to sever; persons, in all walks of life, on a new-quite a nude description of
'Twill break or struggle free again, footing; but the Countess, bless her little sole, is not likely to euccLed
It can't go on for ever. with the feat she has undei taken.









FUN.


[OCTOBER 20, 1866.


A\\ ~' '"''







J 1,
0,


-7 -


"WHO'S YOUR HATTER?"
Mr. Flushy is one of the last to desire public notice, and he cannot think why everybody stares so at his new hat. The fact is he innocently
put it on without taking of the paper !


Ode to the President of the Poor Law Board.
COME, Ma. HARnY,
Why are you so tardy P
You promised to expel the ancient guardians
And give us HARDY-'uns,
But still we're bored with the old Board, and still
You're sitting still, and probably you will,
For all that I can see, until next session,
When this vacation might have showed progression
If all your promise were not mere profession,
And that profession nothing but place-hunting,
Likely your honest feelings to be blunting
For fear of vested interests affronting.
Come, MR. HAnRDY, do
Just carry out the view
Which has been HART-ily explained to you.
Come, be a GA-THORN-in-the-side of those
Who on the poor so cruelly impose;
Appoint inspectors who will truly
Inspect, and then report shortcomings duly;
Because the real solution of the node is
That very ancient query, Quis custodes
Custodict ipsos ?" Make the guardians guard
The interest of the helpless poor instead
Of, when they ask for bread,
Sending them out to work in the stone-yard.
You promised-'twas at nobody's suggestion-
You would not rest until you'd solved the question.
So pray be active, let us see some fruit
Of all the promise. Listen to the suit
Of one who would advise you as a friend.
Suppose your Presidency at an end-


(And there are things may wreck it, by the way,)
You wouldn't like to hear the people say-
"Oh, he could promise-he was mighty clever-
But left the Poor Law-just as poor as ever!"


3nsiers to Ie svonbentz.

RARA Avis, Hornsey.-Your letter has been forwarded to the old man,
who is out of town for his health.
DA3CHICK is a cowardly fowl. He should bring his MS. in person.
A CORRESPONDENT, dating from the Admiralty, should know more about
the lines of a man-of-war than about lines to CELIA. Why Celia letters
in these days of adhesive envelopes ?
ATHENJEUM JUNIOR.-Look out for the Almanack.
J. R. C., Pimlico, who offers us "a small bait for a voracious public,"
had better hook it.
Declined with thanks-Edith; C. B.; A Chatterer; H. G. A.; Anti-
Board; A. L. H., Mincing-lane; D. D., Manchester; R. T., Worcester;
X.; F. A. A.; Alladin (sic); G. B., Newcastle-on-Tyne; W. F., Charles-
street; H. C.; F. M.; Mrs. G. A. F., qt. John's-wood; H. H., Oxford-
road; M. M., Southampton; McPickle; S. H. B., Euston-road; A
Nursery Ghost; C. P. C., Clapham-road; W. H. MEG., Harrow;
J. McD. G.; J. K., Bayswater; M. L. D., Old Kent-road; W. H. H.,
Shepherd's-bush; XW. D. B., Manchester; Veritas; H. E. V. D., Moor-
gate-street; A Looker-on, Southsea; E. D. H.; E. K., Liverpool; Wise-
acre; W. C. M.; G. E. D., Hereford; Old Dog Tray; J. T. Ds.; A. J.,
Scarborough; J. A., Glasgow; H. Ludlow; Humanitas; W. L., Brighton;
S. E., Luton; J. H., Poplar; J. L., Hemming's-row; H. S. J., New
Bond-street; H. B. B.; 0. R., Blackheath Park; J. A. 0., Southsea;
H. N., Kew; G. T. N., West Bromwiph; F. L. C.

NOTICE.-Now ready, twhe Tenth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being
THE THIRD VOLUME OF THE NEW SERIES.
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s. Cases for binding, Is. 6d. each.


London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons. and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BA.:\ ,
80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, October 20, 1866.


66


I










OOTOBER 27, 1 66.]


FUN. 6T


YOUNG AMBITION.
Bertis:-" PAPA, WHEN I GROW UP, MAY I BE WHAT I LIKE 2"
Papa :-" YES, MY BOT, YTO MAT CHOOSE YOUR OWN PROFESSION."
Bertie :-"TEEr I'LL BE A SWEEP, FOR I SHALL NEVER HAVE TO WASH
MT PAOR "


AN ETHIOPIAN SERENADE.
WHERE the palm-branches droop o'er the Ottawa's tide,
Where the forest is gloomy and lonely,
The African wandered and sang of his bride
In a tongue that was known to her only.
For he sang as he tinkled his soft banjo,
With an accent of melancholy,
The passionate strain, so sweet and low,
Of "Golly-golly-golly !"
Though far from his native land he dwelt,
A slave on a sugar-plantation,
He knew that the heart of his bride would molt
At the thought of his situation.
So he dashed the tear from his goggle eye,
And blushed jet black at his folly,
Then woke the echoes once more with the sigh
Of "Golly-golly-golly !"


THE WIFE'S SORROW.
WITH haggard eyes and pallid cheeks
She sits alone-alone.
She scarcely moves-she never speaks-
She does not even groan.
But for a step she listens aye-
A step she cannot hear,
For still the moments glide away,
And yet he draws not near.
Untouched the meal upon the board-
What appetite had she ?
Her well-beloved-her bosom's lord-
Her husband-where was he ?
For lonely hours she listened still-
What agony to wait
And watch-but hark her cry is shrill-
A step is at the gate I
Upon her husband's heart she sinks-
She clasps him in her arms-
And from his lips in silence drinks
The cause of her alarms.
His brow is dark-his voice is hoarse-
As thus he mourn his fate:
"The train- confound the line!-of course,
As usual, was late! "


A PURE CRITIC.
[THE following fragment has been kindly entrusted to us for pub-
lication by our esteemed friend AnISTARCHUS JONES, ESn., lately the
theatrical critic of the Utopian, in the belief that it will afford many
valuable hints to apprentices in journalism.]
MONDAY.-This evening I visited Drury Lane in obedience to the
wishes of my editor. He was good enough to offer me a free admis-
sion, which [ mildly but firmly declined; being of opinion that criti-
cism should be unbiassed by any sense of personal obligation. In my
notice of the performance I had reason to find fault with several of the
actors, which duty I carried out unsparingly. By occupying the
centre of the pit I was enabled also to occupy the centre of indifference.
My notice was not put in type. Why ?
TUESDA.-ThAe Princess's.-My seat-an inconvenient one for the
purposes of my art--cot me two shillings. I was justly severe upon
the general entertainment. My editor, who is a worthy but a weak
man, took several liberties with my "copy" before inserting it. I
believe he is acquainted with an actoratthe Princess's Theatre. How
can a journal be conducted under such circumstances ?
WEDNBEDAY. The Haymarket. A most miserable attempt. I
regretted my 0 2s. Od. (pit) and my 0 Os. 2d. (playbill). Very
sorry to observe in a private box FANG8, the critic of the Adder. His
notice of the performance will doubtless be a favourable one. My own
-in which I wielded the lash with necessary vigour-was mutilated
shamefully before making its appearance. I understand that the
manager of the Haymarket Theatre dines occasionally with my editor.
Is it possible to fulfil the functions of a critic with dignity while such
a state oi things is prevalent ?
THURSDAY.-Visited the Olympic. Of all the execrable and- But
I have already expressed my opinions on this despicable trash; and I
can only regret that my merited castigation should have appeared in a
softened and abbreviated form through the shameful cowardice of an


editor. I went home supperless, having spent my last two shillings on
a pit seat. A neighbour kindly allowed me to look at his playbill.
My friend RATTLE (critic of the Snake) wishes to introduce me behind
the scenes at this theatre. Much as I admire the lady who plays
princes in all the burlesques, I cannot sacrifice my critical independence
by forming any acquaintances calculated to interfere with the honesty
of my convictions. Still I should like to know a live actress. Is not
my path a thorny one?
FRIDAY.-The Prince of Wales'8. Dreary beyond measure. From
the last row of the pit (price two shillings) I watched with growing
disgust the so-called amusements. At length, nauseated by the loath-
some spectacle, I sought a neighboring tavern, and poured out my
indignation upon paper. The next day's Utopian contained a notice;
but, so far from expressing my real views, it spoke of the performance
in terms of the most fulsome adulation. Is it fair, I ask, for a pre-
judiced, pig-headed, and cowardly editor to treat me thus ? Am I, or
am I not, a critic in the highest sense of the word ? Shall I endure
this perversion of my opinions any longer ?
SATURDAY.-I went in the afternoon to the office of the Utopian and
received my scanty pittance; it barely covers the outlay involved by
pit-seats and playbills. I requested an interview with my editor,
expressed my indignation at his conduct, and informed him that my
self-respect would no longer suffer me to remain connected with a
venal and unscrupulous calling. I have resolved to quit journalism at
once and for ever; and I now only require a moderate sum of ready
money to set me up in some honest and unassuming trade.
[NoTE.-In furtherance of Ma. JONES'S laudable ambition a sub-
scription list has been opened at this office. Unpaid letters will not
be taken in.-Ed. FUN.]


A C&TErIE.-SAXUEL BROTHERS.


VOL. IV. 0








68 F J [OCTOBER 27, 1S6'6.


first numbers, as a rule, are vile-this is not soa had. But the liet of
n lfothorniing ailicles contains some aslemnities I don't look forward to

BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
OT long since at the Social Science ETHEL ; OR, ONLY A 'LIFE.
Congress at Manchester MAi. AN- ACT I.-Room in Cbmbric House.
c THONY TROLLO'PE revived the copy-
4 A right tquestion- .ne which cannot be Enter Tuos. WORDLEY, and HILTON WoaDLlnY"A h;
too often discussed, because it is one Wonn -I am a retired linesdiaper.
whereon the most learned folk Isi'TON.-And I am ) our only son!
St blunderlamentablv. Many of them, Woai,.-I ain also a cad.
1- and they have MACATLAV to back IlTroN.- You are. And I ai a cub.
them, consider that copyright is a WOUD.-Youa are-you are! [Te.y h iwae.
S conceded privilege, not a natural Enter ISABEL WORDLEY.
S right, whereas surely an author has TsaiEL.-'T am your daughter, and am receiving idusic lessors from
a much property in his ideas as a Ethel; or, Only a Life.
'-^'d *- toy-seller has in his notions," and WunD.-True. 'Here is r. Langdale, our family doctor, ho has
certainly ought to live by his head- comelto see how you re.
S work as another man does by his .ter P LAWoDAt.
handiwork. The present system LA 1 DAL1.-Isabel-how are we this morning ?
of rewarding an author for his labours is most unjust in practice, ISABEL lookingg deep iti'tohisdeses).- Better '.t(l etmprser.'rf," '6tter
for it so arranges that the better a book is the less its author '.irw (Squezes his hk di) 'Oh,2ir. Langdai]! S 'l., ait I-, ) Ah,
shall get. The longer it lasts the more certain it is to lapse into other Mr. Langddlt'! (Fotnddthikn.) (,Sside.)-How shall I let him 'know
hands. Really one would think that with regard to authors we had that'I love 1him? PThe maidn dd'heart is shy, and *shrinks from 'dis-
adopted the plan adhered to by Government in treating inventors; covering its preferences.
namely, robbing them, if their inventions are worth anything! 'Ma. HiLTON.-Once I seduce'a-yotift"lady whose nialb is inaudibleat
TiOLLOPE's paper was more especially directed against the evils the back of the dress circle. She'cotrimitted suicide.
arising from the want of an international law, and he argues in very Hiftr- MIrs. IO'bNTG MERY.
plain wirds against American dishonesty ina this matter. What is .Mas. MIoar=Not so. Sh- is here I did notdie'!
more to the point he gives good reasons why'the Yankees should find HILTON.-;you d'!
that honesty in this particular is the best-i.e., the most paying policy. -Mas. MONT.-I didn't. I 'amfawea lthy widow-'far ai-a away the
That is an argument easy to be understood of the cute nation whose: richest person in the -whole world-and -I ihae come to buy ybiur
appreciation of Biitish literature is no doubt intensified by the con- house.
editions which, according to the proverb, make stolen waters sweet. Woum.-9 'hi-Way, and-I will show'it to you.
I SPOKE just now of the way in which the inventors of useful pro- J-.fxit4llD'tst HITON .and ETHEL; or, Onlyt-ff4.
cesses or machines are neglected by Government. There is no need'to HILTOs.-Ethel, I have orvhge hair and no forehead to speak of,
go far for instances of this. The inventor of the electric telegraph, btit I adore you!
remains plain Ma. WHEATSTONE to this day. But he may thank his ETHEL.-Iarh f:iobtiaperior i bii srson, yet,' dib y 'ouke, I
stars he is no worse off when he sees how Government rewards some worship you!
of those who offer it valuable inventions. While MR. SNIDER's rifle is Entttr WOKDLEY.
being adopted by the British army, a Government department is WoaD.-Ha! my son proposing to a music mistress! Miss Ohatteris,
suing that gentleman, an invalid, and by no means a wealthy one, for here is ninepence for the last three lessons. Now be off!
a paltry sum expended in carrying out a few experiments connected [Exit ETHEL; or, Only a life.
with his rifle Under such circumstances Ma. WHEATSTONE may feel HILTOr.-Dear papa, do not be angry-[ am only going to deceive
-and justly-tha it is perhaps well to be only neglected, rather her! I am going, dear papa, to run off with her to Paris under pre-
than patronised, by Government. tence of marrying her, and when I am tired of her I will desert her,
A WRITER, who knows evidently as little of his subject as any man and leave her to perish, dear papa. That's all!
need know about a subject- to write about it, has been writing a lot WonD.-Ho! ho! Sly dog! Sly dog [They dig each other in the ribs.
of genteel twaddle about Bohemianism in the London Review. He ACT II.-The Terrace, Richmond. Enter ETHEL; or, Only a Life.
discusses with an easy impertinence, born of ignorance, certain clubs, ETHEL.-The scenery is by Danson. They call him the Danson
which he assumes to belong to the recognized Bohemian types. If swell.
instead of founding his fictions on the exaggerated imaginations and Enter MR. LANGDALB.
distorted descriptions of sensation writers'he had taken the trouble to LANGDALE.-HOW dedo ? Oh, by-the-bye, I love ,you! Will yot
judge for himself, this gentleman (one must call these amateur scrib- marry me ?
blers gentlemen, I suppose, though I consider it as bad to write, as to ETHEL.-Oh, do you ? Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I'm engaged.;
tell, a lie) would have found out the pitiful blunders into which his or I would with pleasure.
assumption of knowledge has betrayed him. The Savage Club is an LANGDALE.-Oh, it's of no consequence. I am going to India, and
institution which, without great protestations and pretensions has I thought I'd mention it. Good bye. [Goes;to nLdii.
collected thousands of pounds in the cause of charity, without divert- Enter HILTON.
ing a penny to its own purposes. In other respects it differs little, if HILTON.-We fly to Paris to-morrow!
at all, from ordinary clubs, literary or otherwise, except perhaps in the ETHEL.-We do !
closer bond of fellowship which is to be expected where the rules SCENE 2.-ETHEL'S Lodqing in iqhi -street. Spring, 1866.
exclude from membership all who are not actual workers 'in literature, ETHEL.-These are my lodgings. They are painted by Danson.
art, or science, thus preventing the infusion of the outside element They call him the--. Ah! Who is there ?
which has swamped the original purpose of the Garrick, and many Enter WORDLEY.
other clubs of that sort. The writer of the London Review article is WORD.-Ethel, my son is deceiving you!
possibly some detected humbug or chastised pretender, who sneaks away ETHEL.-I impossible !
behind an anonymous cover, and fires his rifle off at a body of men in WORD.-R.ead. [Gitss ktler.
the hope that by so doing he may, perhaps, by chance wound his ETHEL.-Too true!
enemy. The device is as cowardly as it is silly. WoaD.-I fly! [Phes.
I HAVE received the long-expected B lgravia. It is a pity people Enter HILTON.
will always promise to do something new and startling: I don't know HIILTON.-Dearest Ethel.
what else I could have expected, hut I was positively disappointed to ETHEL. Monster in human shape! Fiend unapproachable!
find it looked very like an ordinary magazine. The colour of the Skeleton of the wilderness Avaunt!
wrapper-designed by HAnTy RoGEr-n-is new, certainly, but I'm HILTON.-Never! (Aside)- Bfiled
undecided as yet whether I like it. In the matter of illu-tration, in Enter Mas. MI'NTGOMERY.
which we have bhen led to expect startling.originality, I own I am MRs. MONT.-What is this ? Ah, I see it all. He refuses to vaunt
disappointed; with good names in the listof artits, we get STANILANo to oblige a lady! Ah, well! The world is, after all, but a big
and SKILL. As regards the letter-press, I can't speak with authority, spinach-garden, in which the aloe and pandemonium struggle unsuio-
for I have but glanced over it; there seems some neat verse; and I cessfully for mastery, .my dear! 111 soon cure him. (To ULLrTOu.:)-
observe Min[ss BRA^nnoN's novel has already got to the poisoning stage, Avaunt directly.
so the business does not flag. On the whole, for a first number-and j HILTO'N.-Ha! foiled! But a time will come! [4caunits R. U. '.










OCTOBER 27, 1866.] UT N. 6


Mfas. MONT.- It's always so, my dear. Life has its palladium, but
still it ofttn ho.pptns that porpies grow up among the bear-gardens of
our choicest intimacies, whether we will ,r no!
ACT III.-Chelsea, London, 8. W. ETHEL'S oom0s in Park-walk.
Enter ETra L.
ETEInL.-This is Chelsea, London, S.W. How poor are my rooms!
Danson has painted them on the back of the last scene. They call
him--but no matter.
Enter ATIGAIL HAWGRcOFT.
ABIGArL.-I am Mr. Wordley's niece, and I have been staying in
Yoi kshire.
ET IF.L.-My own old f iend!
ABIGAIL.-Give me some refreshment.
ETHEL.-I have not a faithing in the world.
ABIGAIL.-I thought not. I will go out and buy you some hams.
[Exit.
Enter MRs. M IONTOOM'RY.
Mas. Mor'T.-Ah, Eihel! I am going to marry that cad Hilton.
ETHEL.-Oh! Mis. Montgomery, hlow can you ?
Ilas. MONT.-Ah, my dear, when you have seen as much of the
world as I have, you will learn that though we may desire to travel by
Life's Limited Mail, yet Atropos often steps in and, flnring' the hri,;ht
dazzling torch of inconstancy before our eyes, compels us to declare on
the side of intemperance and virtue. You will learn that when the
mob pulls down the Hyde park railings next summer.
Enter a YourG PaE1SON.
YOUNG P.-Miss Chatteris, a man called Starkie loves you!
ETHEL.-Never!
YouNo P. (iwheedlingly).-Have Starkie!
Mls. MONT.- Better have him, ,my dear. High spirits may do much
to alleviate the agony of a soothed soul; but depend upon it, my d. ar,
Limited Liability is the best mainstay that the mottled soap of affeec-
tian can afford us, after all.
Enter MR. ROBERT ROSIER.
Ma. ROBERT R.-I have cne for some rent, madam. I am a very
goor man, and if you could oblige--
ETHELI.-Never! Audacious!
.Enter Ah IGAIL, with someSraw. hams.
ABIGAIL.-Theie's nothing like ai raw ham when you are really
hungry, and want your dinner in a hurry.
Mat. ROBErT R.-I want, my rent!
ABIGAIL.-What! Dare to want your rent! Take that!
[Knocks Bit. R,,iERT ROMEn down with a ratw hain.
MRS. MoNT.-Ah, my dear, decrepitude is all very well, i:.t theory,
but when you are my age you will know that one cannot pay too much
attention to the benisons which an ungrateful world hurls at the head
of impoverished tutordom! I am seventeen, and I ought to know.
ACT IV.-HvLTIir's Drawing-room in Cromwell-road, S. IW.
Enter HIluToN and WoRDLEV.
WOan.-Now I am a pauper, but you are married to Mrs. Mont-
gemery, and this mansion is yours!
1LTON.-True. It never ocurred to me before!
Enter MAis. WoanRLEY MONTGOMERY.
Mas. WonnD.-Oh, the guests have not arrived. T may mention
then, that infancy and old age are twin butterflies, whose only care is
to increase their store and to accept shaiing-engagements wherever
the goddess Bradshaw may waft them.
Enter LANGrDALE and ISABEL.
LANODALE.-Isabel, we are married!
TSsaaL.-Bless your honest, truthful nature-it scorns deception!
'We are !
Enter GUElsTs-the gentlemen in frock coats, white wa;stcoats, pumps, and
wigs; the ladies in pink silk or black vel-et bodies, made hii/lh, and
trimmed with silver, jancy skirts, anud black shoes. They admiredthe
beauty of the rooms, and diect each other's attention to the elerqance of.
the cornices, and e'peci'dly to a portion of the South Zetsington
improvements which, in the shape of a dead wall covered with crimson
drapery, projects far into the room ; also to a wide expanse of cheam-
payne country an the distance.
,,ter ETHEL.
ETHEL.-I have come to play the piano at this evening party.
What a beautiful room! It is painted, I hear, by my old friend
Danson, who did up" my rooms at Richmond and at Chelsea. They
call him the Danson swell, and well they may. This is quite the
Dtanson cheese.
La.GDnALE.-Ethel!
ETHEL -Mr. Langdale. Oh, I am so glad to see you. I want to
tell you that as I can't get any one else, except Starkie, I will marry
you-so come along !
L.ANGDALE.-But-it's very awkward-I am married already.

ETHEL.-Oh! (Hysterically.) Ha! ha! ha! Only a Life! Only
a Life I [Falls over the grand piano and dies.
CtURTAN.


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
NICHOLAS ON THB CAM RtIDEBSIRRE.
BRLORATIA, 18 October, 1866.
MY DEAR TO'ONO FRIEND,-YoUi will perceive from my superscrip-
tin as I have at length returned to town, than which I am sure a
chillier, nor yet a imuiuier metropolis, though a little gay. The
PrIphet is as fond of London as any man, bar none; but when you
have rheiniatie'n in your left shoulder, not to sp, ak of a racking
cough which keeps him awake half tile night, it is only natural for to
grumble at, the climate, and wish as I was in .the sunny south, where
the warmth is.
Hn,,wever, the voice of Duty is one to which the Prophet is never
indifferent, and accordingly fore myself float the doer fellows down in
Norfllkshire, who wept bhiterly when N inoLAs drove away, and
hurried back to my town residence-in itself a monument to the
genius of one who raised himself from a comparative lowly position,
though always respectable, to my t pre.'ent pinnacle. But, as to the
pleasure (of corning hatck, my dear young Friend, don't you heliove in
such! Why, the bills as Ihave been acciimilating-but suppuse wo
change the subject, with m, rely the rmnrirk that now or never is the
day. and now ou never is tae hour, to come forward with the Testimonial.
The last of the Gre-at T'urf Events of 1866 is now at hiind, namely,
to wit, the Cambiidgeshire at the Newmarket lloughton MIeeting.
When 1 look hack uilpn my career during the present Anno Domini,
I amt almost afraid to hazard another prediction lest a solitary failure
should tainish the lustre of those undying laurels, than whom I am
sure a Inr (T r olletion of them, nor Jet more honestly earned. It is
a terrible tIing, my dear young Friend, for to have acquired a colossal
reputation. Even your silence is misconstrued, like as it was with
regard to the Camsrewitch, when thousands weie save.l to Nour readers,
perhaps,- through the accidental non-delivery of my pi phecy. I know
only too we'll that whatever may be done by ptiv,,to commissioners
the public iiione /ces with Ntinoias; and that as soon as tie hat e pub-
lished his Ulianiatoriurn thee is a rush for to get oni. Frit thie gay
olficers of the (u birds (which have been good enough to propose a
Banquet in my Honour), down to the humble widow-woman aid the
Chleeifiil errand-hboy, the publi, piove their confidence in the Prophet
by backinis of everything he lilies to name.
I hope, sir. as I amn not unmindful of the responsihilities thus de-
volviig upon your Spotive Editor, whose every word, if I may use
the expression, it is hung upon by the lips of tho god and gay;
anid therefore I will risk the effort, though I know how uncertain are
all things in this Sublunar Vale, besides that handiitips always imz de
the Prophet more than ho is staggered by such races a' th. Dou by and
St. Leger, the winners of which he foretold them faithful both in 1865
and 1866.
One thing, at any rate, the Prophet scorns, which it is to pick out
nearly half the horses, like my oontemliories, and say ue expect
the winner willbe found amongst so and so," nainiiig twelve, whilst if
we apprehend danger from any other quarter, it willbe from 8soand so,"
naming six others.
AMy course is buldor and more adventuresome ; suces(o mav or may
not once more crown the Prophet's rather agied brow with tIh Haloi of
Victory, the Nimbus of Glory, and the Laurel Wreath of Fain, anm if
so will have my portrait taken in that attitude and pilulis.. d; but
nothing venture o nothing win ; and so here, my friends and patsois,
the Athletic Men of merry, merry England, is my
PhorPFeCY roR THE CAMIBRIIDGOESHIE,.
LOOK OUT aFOR PHiOSEHPINE, ACT'EA, AND MiOAtBOiOUiOiG.
And now, sir, with regard to another subject of (I nitty say) oven
m(,re world-wide importance, please be good enough to acknowledge
the following
SuBnnRIPTIONS TO THE NicHOLAs TEsTIMONIAL,.
Amount already acknowledged .. .. 15 7 3}
One who has won thousands through following
Mlt. NICHOLS .. .. .. .. 0 1 0

15 8 31
This can hardly be considered a good week for the M ,ovi men, sir;
but I daresay as we shall soon have a rally round. Do yo n,,t think
another of your nice little Elitoiial P-iragraphs might help to make
the public a little less backward in corning fot ward ? NICHOI.AS.
P.S.-NICHOLAa is deeply 'riteful for the kind letter of Itara
Avis." Such appreciation does the old mans heart good; and,
although HIrnsey is a considerable distance fromin telgrnvia, yet if
" Raia Avis" were not so happily married to her dealing WiVtu.t.l,"
the Prophet would come up and sing ih serenade undi r her window of
a niiuht, regardless of t heumi tirm ; and, ever as it, is, would be glad.
to look in anid take a glass of sherry wine with both of them.
P.S. 2 -lf you don't give rme some explanation about my Knurrand
Spell I shall be reluctantly obliged to take legal proceedings against
your publisher.









FUN.


THE LEICESTER-SQUARE SENSATION.
(By OUR SpriA. REroRTER.)


ON Wednesday last the usually quiet, though romantic, neighbour-
hood of Leicester-square was thrown into a state of considerable alarm
and excitement by the report that an outrage of the most shocking
natiue had been perpetrated in the immediate vicinage during the
night. The rumour turned out to be only too true. On visiting the
square, we discovered that the noble monument (statue of a monarch,
name uncertain), which adorns its centre, had been ruthlessly profaned
by ribald hands. The horse, stated by some authorities to be the
identical "noble animal" spoken of by the learned MATvo in his uni-
versally-known spelling book, had been covered with spots, resembling
large wafers in form, and black sealing wax in colour. Ears of a
longitude that suggested caparisons, as Mrs. MALAPROP would say, with
a quadruped generally supposed to have a taste for the Carduus comn-
munis, or ordinary thistle, as an article of food, had been added to the
head of the gallant steed. A hat, less resembling the cocked hat of
military glory than the dunce's cap of infantine disgrace, adorned the
head of his sacred Majesty-name unknown-a long truncheon, to
which a broom was suspended, had been thrust into the dexter hand
of royalty, and other ignominious insults had been cast upon the
kingly figure, which for years has braved the battle and the breeze, but
more especially the latter, in what a late statesman described as one of
the greatest sights in Europe.*
Conjecture is rife as to the reason of the outrage. It is asserted by
some, that a gentleman somewhat resembling the M.P. for Birming-
ham was seen in the neighbourhood on the previous evening, and some
assert that this is only the first of a series of schemes for casting ridi-
cule upon monarchy. Others, on the other hand, pretend to discern
in the masquerade a Tory travestie of the progress of Reform. We
believe we are nearer the truth in stating that the demonstration is
not of a political character, and our conjecture is borne out by the
intelligent police-officer in whose beat the square is situated. He
It has been said that this speech was made by thte Sir R-- P-- about
Trafalgar-square, but I know better. Having been a Parliamentary shorthand-
writer for the last three years, I ought to be an authority on questions of statesman-
EMip.-PExaIEL HEINE.


further informs us that the police are on the track of the offenders, who,
we may therefore conjecture, will, in all probability, not be speedily
brought to justice.
A deputation has wailed on the Home-Secretary, to draw his atten-
tion to the disfigurement of this national monument. He is reported
to have shed tears on hearing of the dastardly assault on an old and
defenceless statue. It is hoped that a sentinel, if not a detachment
of guards, will be posted on the spot to protect the effigy from further
insult. Precautions which can be taken for the safety of so unarchi-
tectural an edifice as the Bank of England, may well be extended to so
magnificent a work of art.
Up to the moment of going to press no further light has been thrown
on this mysterious affair. A lady, residing in the neighbourhood, the
proprietress of a large bonnet shop in Cranbeourne-street, states that
she heard screams coming from the direction of the statue in the
night, but she inclines to believe it was cats.

LATEST INTELLIGENCE.
(By Electric Telegraph.)
NOTHING further has transpired.

Female Progress.
AN American paper reports a duel between a MRs. MARTHA STEWART
and a MRS. ROBERTS, at San Antonio, in Texas. The weapons were
revolvers, and Mas. RosERTS is stated to be badly wounded. America
is always spoken of by its admirers as the land of progress, and cer-
tainly Woman is going ahead there! We suppose about fifty paces
was the measurement of the progress in this instance.

The Right Colour.
THE two colours of the Prussian flag are to receive an addition. The
national flag is to be a tricolour henceforth-black, white-and orange.
The orange is chosen as an emblem of a-peel to arms. Its amalgama-
tion with the other hues may also be considered to make it Rhined.























cq






















HOW GOVERNMENT REWARDS INVENTORS!
- ....









0io on6R 27, 1866.]


FU N.


MRS. BROWN AT THE ASSIZES.
T WAS glad to he 'omne agin from that country, as would soon he my
death, and will always say as them country people ain't no sense in
their 'cads, and imy words is proved true through that Mal. ooUGGE-
"iill E 'a-bein' tiined out of court by them judges' orders, as served
htr right, and then took and drawed a juryman on the spot, so in
coinse ever thing fell through. I never would 'ave gone near them
'sizes, as is a foolish name, and don't mean nothing at all, only JOHn
he ,ays to me, You won't 'ave to say a word, but only look on, and
'ad 'better sFe the town, as is considered fine, and the judges a-goin'
te churchh in slate, as is a old buildin'."
.JOuN he dove me and 'LIZA over in the four-wheeler, for his old
grizzle of a mother she'd gone off quite early in that blessed shay-cart
of hein, as is Fnouih to shake the life out of any one, as my bones
can piove, thO flist time as ever I tried it, as I'm thankful to say was
the last, but she's that skeleton as can't feel nothing herself.
I must say nas them country towns looks clean, but I should think
dull iny time, though certainly a fine inn, as were wonderful in postin'
days I'min told, with a noble ball-room where the fust families did used
for to come and dance in. The landlord he was a very nice man, and
his good lady the picter of health as the sayin' is, and every one
seemed all of a fluster expecting' them judges, and the church bells
a-ringin' and tollin' by turns.
We hadn't been in there five minits, when in come them judges
a-blowin' their 'orns, with javelin men afore 'em, as they calls 'em,
as did used for to run any one through as come in their ways, but is
now give up through a policeman's staff'bein' quite enough for to keep
any one back.
I must say them judges looks noble in their wigs and robes, not as
I should like for to be brought before them, as looked that fierce, no
doubt for to keep them desperate characters under, though I'm sure
some of them parties as was tried didn't seem to care nothing about
it, for I was a-settin' a-listenin' to them and see them a-smilin'. I
hadn't been there long when JoxN come to fetch me, and said as I
was wanted on the civil side. I says, Whatever for ? He says,
"They wants to ask you a question."
Well," I says of course I can answer a civil one anyhow." So
in I goes, and the lawyer says in a whisper, "Excuse me, Mns. BRowN,
but what did Mn. MAY EL') call MRs. MUGoGERIDGo "Well," I says,
"'Ow do you mean P" He says, When you met 'im in the field."
I says, "Well, I hardly know--," but, law bless you, I 'adn't 'ardly
opened mylips when up jumps another lawyer party and says as theywas
a-pamperin' with a witness. Says the lawyer, She's not a witness."
I says, Certainly not; and am only tellin' this gentleman what I
heard MR. MAYTIEL' a-sayin' again MRS. MtOGERIDGE that time as the
bull drove me slap through his inwisible fence." Will your lord-
ship order her to be sworn P says the other lawyer. Let her be
sworn," says the judge, a-lookin' very fierce, and if they didn't ketch
'old on me and shove the book in my 'and and say as I was to speak
the old truth." I says, "I'm not one as speaks neither old truths nor
yet new, but only what is truths," I says. "'Old your tongue," says
the judge, quite a forgettin' of 'isself. Now," says MARS. MGooG-
RInGE's lawyer, "did you not hear MR. MArrYFLD say that MKs.
MUGGERnIDG was a old brimstone P" I says, "He certainly did say
something like that." Like what ?" says the judge. "Brimstone,"
says I. "Brimstone," says the judge, why, what's that?" I says,
" Some calls it sulphur, as is a fine thing for the skin, and often give
with treacle in spring time when I was a gal."
I spoke a little sharp, for I'm sure he wasn't fit to be judge as
didn't know what brimstone was. If you'd see that judge look at me
over his spectacles, you'd a thought as I was a wild beast. He says,
"What on earth is she a-talkin' about ? I don't understand her."
I says, Very likely not, brought up in the country as you 'ave been;
for I'm sure no one as comes from London can make out their jargon
down here, but," I says-- Will you hold your tongue ? says
the judge, a-roarin' like a mad bull; but law, I was that cool as shet
'im up, for I says, "I ain't a-goin' to be hollared at like a demented
lunatic, as has got every sense about mne." So the one lawyer he
said as I might stand down, but the other wouldn't let me, for he says,
"Your name is MAtIThA BRowN ?" I says, Yes." "You're a-stayin'
with MRS. MUGGERIDGEn I says, "I am, though a-goin' 'ome the
day after to-morrow, and wish as I 'adn't'ave stopped so long to come
to these 'sizes, as I considers as I've been tieed into." Yes," says
the lawyer; "but we want to know if you've ever observed as MRs.
IoUGOEUOGE is a wild temper?" Well," I says, "as to wild I
can't 'say." Remember," says the lawyer, "you're on your oath."
" Yes," I says, "I know I am." "Then speak the truth," says he.
"Now, 'on your oath, isn't she a very quarrelsome woman ?" Well,
whatever to say I didn't know. I says, You'll excuse me-"
He 'says, Certainly not, I won't excuse you. You must tell the
jury if you don't think as she's a most provokin' temper." What to
do I did not know, and stood like a statty a-starin'. At last I says,
" We all 'as our tempers.;" but just then they told me very sharp for


to stand down, and all began a-talkin' and putting' their' aols together
andil th-n I was told as they'd lieenii a nd ildraw,l one of the july, and
the judge said as it was weiry proper on their parts.
When I got outaid! there was MIS. MuoneIiHoG in a towerin'
rage. She says, "Yoi'je a nice pity to come aind stop under my
roof and eat of my bread and diink of my cup, and then not stand up
for my character, as them as did ought to know better will stand by
and bee attacked, and then give in cowardly." I says, "Miut. Muoos-
mIDOu, mum, it wasn't my doings as1 'm heio at all, and as to speaking'
agin your character I'd 'ave been liurnt at the bltake fust, as you
might'ave see by me a-olding my tongue afone all them judges." But
law, she was in that rage through oiut a-gainin' the day is she was
pitching' into every one, and as to Joum, poor fellow, 'ow he oould
stand her langwidge I can't make out, for she'd been and gone to
law agin his will, and then said it were all his fault, and 'ad such a
row with the lawyer as was downright disgraceful.
Well, it had been agreed as 'LIZA and me should be drove back in
the four-wheeler, while JoHN stopped behind for to settle tip; but,
bless you, when 'LizA, as 'ad 'ad a bit of dinner, was a-goin'- to get
in that shay there was that old cat stuck in the back and no room for
me. So I wouldn't stoop to no words with her, but says to 'LIA,
" You get in, my dear, and I'll look out for myself," and walks back
in the inn and got a bit of snack in the bar, though it was neither
'ot nor cold, as is bad with a 6alf's-'ead and bacon without a bit of
lean, as looked bibrn and asted rusty. As to roast beef the butirtrs
don't know 'ow to cut a pri-nie bit in the country, and the animals i
made with ribs ts long as a whale's. I asks the landlady 'ow I should
get back to Mas. M1uGGoiRId''s ? "Oh," she says, there'll be 16to
a-goin' that way as will give you a lift no doubt." I says, "Then
pr'aps you wouldn't ninif a-askin' one on 'em to give me a cast," Ibi I
didn't want to bother 4Jo*-, as I know'd was busy through bbin'
market day. '
There was a elderly party a-settin' in that bar a-takin' of sotie 'ot
brandy-and-water, as I 'ad a glass on myself. He says, "Whidi
does the good lady want to go ?" Says the landlady, Over to the
Lands," as is the name of. Mas. MUOaERIDGE's property. Oh," he
says, I'll put 'er down with pleasure, I passes the door." I says, I
thank you, sir; but 'ow about time, as should not like to 'urry ybu
though a-wishin' to be 'otne myself by tea, as is ive, and now on the
stroke of four." He says, I'm only a-waitin' for a sample of '*heat,
and shall be off the monbit it comes."
Well, he was a regular farmer, as mostly 'as purple faces and broad-
brim' 'ats, with a suit of clothes that dust colour as they wears, and I
never see such a man at his brandy-and-water, for there he sat
a-sippin' till I got all of a fidget, and the landlady persuades me to
'ave a cup of tea, for she says, "It's not six miles as the crow flies."
While we was at our tea that farmer went out a-sayin' he'd be back
in a instant, but law, it wasn't till past seven as he come in. I was
put out, for I'd asked about Jona and they said as he'd gone off about
arf-past four. When that farmer did come in 'is face was beet-roots
for colour, and 'is langwidge thick. He says, "Where's my sweetheart?"
a-meanin' me, and, bless you, it was quite dusk. He says, I'm off,
look sharp, that's a pretty dear, for the mare won't stand." I went out
and there was a high dog-cart, with a white 'orse, as wouldn't stand still
a instant, though a man a-'oldin' its 'ead. I was that misgivin' about
goin', but, law bless you, they bundled me in albore you could 0ay
JACK ROBISON, the landlady a-tellin me there wasn't no other chance
for me to get back. I wasn't 'ardly in when that farmer, as 'is name
were COULTER, says to the man at the osse's 'ead, Let her be," and
if that oss didn't start with that sudden jerk as pre ty nigh broke my
back and turned out of the yard with a twist as nearly sent me out.
Talk of the wind it wasn't nothing to that oss, as tore along like mad,
and that Ml. COULTER let it do just as it liked through bein' fast
asleep 'iself. At last I see that the oss was a takin' me too far, and I
sketched 'old on the rein for to stop it, and if the brute didn't take
and turn bang round and run up a bank. If you'd heardd old CouLtras
swear you'd 'ave stared agin ; it that terrified me that out I jumped,
and if he didn't drive on without a word and leave me a-sprawlin'
on the bank, as was dreadful wet and slimy. I was thankful to be
out, but, bein' dark, I didn't know where to go, and might 'ave been
left on the road there to perish but for a day labourer as come along
and picked me up and took me a short-cut to Maus. MUGoGRIDOB's,
through a turnip field ia drenched me, and didn't get 'ome till jest en
tend end-beat, and heard that old faggit say as it served me right for
stopping' behind a-drinkin' with the turmers, and it's lucky as I did
jump out of that dog-cart, for old CoULTEa was pitched on his 'ead,
and the 'orse went ome without 'im, as was a-layin' between lifent i
death when I come away.

"None of your Sauce.t"
WE see some one is advertising My Wife's Sauce." It is to be
regretted that he does not keep his little domestic discomforts to
himself.










FUN.


[OCTOBER 27, 1866.


A NOBBY IDEA.
Little does Tompkins imagine the effect he produces by carrying his umbrella
in this manner !


FROM OUR STALL.
WHATEVER those people who choose to pooh-pooh the French drama
may say, and they ought to be persons of high intellectual standard to
take that liberty, MoNSIEUR SCRIBE was certainly an extraordinary
man. Any one who may wish to make acquaintance with one of the
best pieces that even that ingenious gentleman ever constructed is here
recommended to go to the Princess's Theatre, and see The Triple
Alliance. This admirable play is neither more nor less than the story
of "The Judgment of Paris" put into a dramatic form. Juno is the
Queen; Minerva, the terrible Duchess of Marlborough; and Venus,
the beautiful Maid of Honour.
The Overland b route and The Critic have been revived at the Hay-
market, and are drawing great houses. The Critic is acted after the
singular fashion which has been handed down to us by those highly
over-praised persons our forefathers. Ms. CHARLES MATHEWS'S Sir
Fretful Plagiary, although an intellectual, is by no means a vigorous
performance, and we must protect against his playing the swindler
Puff-a mere newspaper Jeremy Diddler-as if he were a polished and
perfect gentleman; also, we must take exception to his utter absence
of irritability during the rehearsal. As for the rehearsal of the famous
tragedy itself, it was the fun of schoolboys under ten years of age. It
may be agreeable to actors to represent themselves as a very unintelli-
o gent class of persons, and there may be considerable truth in this
modest view of their own intellectual powers, but surely the stupidest
fellow who ever mutilated Shakspere would not substitute the word
"bacon" for "beacon," or "whack" for "wake." For this sort of
pitiable nonsense the Haymarket troupe is not responsible. The
I rubbish is traditional. It was done in 1780, and it will be done in
1880, and in 1980, and so following. Our ancestors admired that sort
of fooling, which makes us suspect that our ancestors got pretty con-
siderably drunk before they paid their seven shillings to the boxes.
Oddly enough, the same good folks, who assure us that this baby-
nonsense is the clearest comic grit, are the first to sneer at modern
burlesque. Our readers will of course understand that our strictures


do not apply to SHERIDAN'S Uritie, which is a perfect work of art,
but to SHERIDAN'S Critic, as bedraggled on the stage. The bur-
lesque of Der Freischutz, by MR. BURNAND, at the Strand, on the
Monday, was followed by the burlesque of Der Freischutz at the Prince
of Wales's on the Wednesday. Public opinion is divided as to the
relative merits of the two works. We, who lead public opinion, and
who hope in time to improve it, cannot suspend our judgment on
so momentous an occasion. MR. BYnoN's first scene is superior to
MR. BUsNAND'S. En revanche MR. BURNAND'S incantation scene is
preferable to Ma. BYRON'S. MR. CLARKE makes a fine melodramatic
Caspar, who would have reminded us of MEssRS. HUNTLRT, Row-
BOTHAM, COBHAM, BLANCHARD, and BRADLEY, in their best days, only
that we never saw those gentlemen, and MR. FRED YOUNGe, who is a
great acquisition to the London stage, was a subtle, pointed, acid,
mordant, intellectual Zamiel, who likes evil en artiste, as well as en
amateur, for the love of it as well as for the profit. MR. MONTGOMBRY
is portentous as ever, and amusing as ever, as Killian, and a new face,
voice, and heels, those of MR. GLowvE, are to be welcomed as the pro-
perty of a very thorough artist. Miss LYDIA THOMPSON looks and acts
most agreeably as Max, and the same compliment is due to Miss LYDIA
MAITLAND. Miss LOUISA WESTON looked a gorgeous Christmas Prince,
and Miss LouISA MOORE, as Agatha, looked so quaint and charming,
and played so well and sang so sweetly that we walked several times
round Fitzroy-square alone that we might think about her uninter-
ruptedly. Our walk and reverie concluded, we resolved to go and see
her in the same character again and again, and again after that, for
the purpose of looking at and listening to her, and we intend to carry
ou r determination. By the way, we must not let even the tempta-
tion of writing about Miss LouISA MooaE make us forget to say that
the scenery by MR. CHARLES JAMES is very beautiful, and that the
costumes are very splendid, and in perfectly good taste, j

ECCLESIASTICAL.
THE Vicar of Margate has declined to take FATHER IGNATIruS as his
ourate. He says he does not approve of the Lyne he took.


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN.

No. 9.-NUNC EST BIBENDUM!
Ws journey'd, I think it was three years since,
To a pantomime over the water,
And was struck with the lady who acted the prince,
Asking whence had the management brought her ?
This prince was in love with the pretty Giselle,
But his spirits she never could take down,
He were good at his lines and his songs as well,
And ever so good at a break-down!
But the prince he was false to his dancing-girl,
And fled his Victorian mansion,
Fortune had given her wheel a twirl,
And talent, you know, needs expansion.
A bevy of friends can my little prince boast,
No lips of his praises are barren;
Will they drink them a bumper ? Wilt give them a toast ?
S"Here's success to Miss EtrILY FARREN!"


No. 10.-PETIT ARDUA.
IN mounting up the slope of life,
How many of us tumble;
Some come across no end of strife,
And those who meet none grumble.
The upward slant, of course, is steep,
To master and to puppet,
Some tremble at the foot and weep,
Or falter half-way up it.
'Tis very true-although 'tis strange-
And proved by autumn rambles,
We love to'breast the mountain-range,
And glory in our scrambles.
'Tis not the pace which always kills,
Nor "stitch" which makes us tarry;
There's something else about the hills
When christened after CARRY !









OUTOBER 27, 1866.]


FUN.


A MAN I HATE.
Or all the bores that, now and then,
Society permits
To talk to literary men,
Or mix among the wits,
The worst are those that will devote
Their little minds to anecdote.

I've sat and listened, I confess,
To fools of many kinds,
Including people who possess
Encyclopcadic minds.
But oh the very worst afloat
Is he who takes to anecdote.

I like a man who makes a pun
Or else a deep remark;
I like philosophy or fun-
If only just a spark.
But how I hate the muffs who gloat
Inanely over anecdote.
I loathe a man who recollects
A little thing he heard;
Then tells a story and expects
A grin at ev'ry word.
For how can anyone promote
Your liveliness by anecdote ?
Oh, no! I'd rather live alone
Upon a desert isle,
With not a voice, except my on n,
To cheer me all the while,
Than talk to men who learn by rote
Their paltry funds of anecdote!


A Handy Receipt.
DTr a recent number our contemporary the Queen tells
people what "to do" to get white hands. We should
think that the way to get-and keep white hands, is to
do nothing.


The Great Moral Lesson.
Tia St. Giles's Murderer" as he was called-as il St. Giles's had
only once provided CALcRAFT with such a subject for the exercise of
his art-as if, thanks to the activity and intelligence of the police, a
St. Giles's murderer were not at this moment at liberty, many years
after the commission of his offence-well, "the St. Giles's murderer "
was executed at the beginning of the month at the Old Bailey, on a
Tuesday Why P With the avowed intention of diminishing the
crowd which used to attend on such occasions. Really this is too bad 1
The great defence of executions is the moral lesson they enforce. If
this argument be woith a straw, the authorities, who, by fixing Tues-
day instead of Monday, deprived a number of persons of the oppor-
tunity of the spectacle, have, in fact, encouraged-to put it plainly-
the crime of murder, by preventing a lesson from being taught by the
Government schoolmaster, CALCHAFT.
Let us have one of two things-let it be understood that hanging is
a moral lesson, and let executions take place when the largest attend-
ance of scholars can be secured. But if we avowedly appoint a certain
day because fewer people will be present, let us, in honesty's name,
drop the sham, and call executions a disgrace to a Christian land, to
be done out of sight, within the gaol.

Some Pumpkins!
THE annual ceremony of crowning the king of the pumpkins took
place last week at the central market in Paris. The happy vegetable
weighed 268 lb., and measured ten feet four inches round. At one
time it was feared the authorities might forbid the ceremony, on the
ground of its political significance, because it might lead the disaffected
to believe the crown was going to squash!

From Southampton.
TnB Southampton papers state that one of the greatest attractions
at the local loan Museum was one just arrived from Italy-STora1's
Medea, which is very fine. If STOREYx' Medea is half as fine as
MEDRA'& story it will do very well.


PFROM A LOFTY POINt OP VIEW.
Short Swell:-"WHAT DO YOU THINK I OUGHT TO DO II' A FELAJI
INSULTED MAI WAIFE "
Tall Ditto:-"WHY-AW-BURST INTO-AW-TE-AWS OF CAWSE!"


J. L. C., Plymouth, is thanked.
B. B., Argus Club, is thanked. The contribution would have appeared
had it arrived earlier.
H. J., Belgrave-street-south.-In your picture of an "irresistible
battery the lady is so plain we doubt if she would go off at all.
FELIX is not so happy as he might be.
J. H., Bristol.-The essay is quite unsuitable.
A PAIR OF Scissots.-We are well supplied with acrotics. Friends
will kindly accept this intimnatin we hope.
J. R., WVoolwich.-See List answer.
JAY Ess, 'Croydon.-The joke about pears is incomprehrnsible jargon-el.
A GLA-GOW COu.ESPI'ONDEFNT writes:-"I beg to forward for your
consideration several stanzas, poetry, which if found worthy my by insrtion
in your paper I add no more." This brevity is the sole of wit, however,
in his communication.
J. B., Blackfl iars-road.-The extract is of no use to us. In our line
there are no cuttings.
W. I. N., Glasgow, must be W out.
H. I. P. would not get a corresponding "haw! haw "
A. F. M., Liverpool.-It is very odd that when any one rends us an
old idea it is sine to be accompanied by a request for au immediate
remittance!
A. B., Croydon Common.-The grocer probably kissed your pert
domestic because he liked her cheek, but. it, is no use your offering it to us.
B., Admiralty, should not waste our time and the publics.
IN THE BLACK COUNTRY is not of general interest, though it may be
of Lieutenant-Colonel ditto.
Declined with thanks-J. L., GOatton C., Liverpool; 0. IM., Dutnde ;
W. F., Glasgow; G. I. It.; F. F., Ch,lsea ; W. J. C., Ifolbm,'k ; J. W. ;
J. K., Bayvwafer; A. I. Y., Newton, Ayr; Delta, Clifton; A. BI., London;
A. F.,Perth; S. W. T. ; II. M. G., Hanckney; A. W. M., l'riiwes-strvet;
Lex; Cephas ; W. II., Strond ; E. G., Golden-square; Reform : Expectans ;
A. E. B., Macchest r; T. M., Hastings; C. It. ; T. B.; E. C., Ipswichl;
W. MI. B.,Penzm Luce; B. L.M.; S. F. C 0.; M. E. B.; J. W. II., Stour-
bridge; Alpha Beta; WV. C.; F. IIH.; G. McG., Harrow; A. II.; E. B.,
Fleet-street; G. G., Brixten-hill; F. S. B., Stoke Newington ; Miss A. T.,
Waterloo; Cockywhacks, jun. ; Ann Impey Seal.









76 F U N. [OCTOBER 27, 1866.


/ -


A TIDEY NOTION.
Rose the Romantic:-" How CHARMING! I COULD SIT HERE FOR EVER, AND NEVER QU[T THIS LOVELY SPOT."
Matter-of-Fact Maria:-" NOT EVEN WHEN THE TIDE CAME UP?'


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(Answer in our nei t.)
A SIN the English law condemns with scorning,
And every magistrate hears many a morning,
It's chief practitioners, 'tis sad to view it,
Are those who o'er all others should eschew it,
They fall a prey to drinking and venality,
And aid instead of checking much rascality.

1.
The miner sees it as he strives
To win the coal always,
It'may endanger women's lives
And did, the other day.
And oft the whining schoolboy swears
Thereat, a source of many. cares.
2.
A great composer we too seldom hear,
Wrote a good opera to Vienna dear;
Though critics sneered at first, they lived to so
The piece revived and played triumphantly.
2.
An ancient Saga sent across the Rhine
Told how his canning was too superfine.
4.
There never was a reader,
For the law became a pleader,
Who did his work invariably right:
But he sometimes made a slip,
And they caught him on the hip,
The indictment might contain an over-ight.


The Goths once lived amid huge forest trees, "
By the blue waters of Borysthenes,
A pleasant place. Where is it-if you please ?
6.
A Visigoth of noble race,
He gave two emperors to Rome,
The Vandals fled before his face
And then att: eked him nearer home,
9o he who ruled o'er Italy,
Unto Byzantium bowed the knee.
7.
Succulent, edible, nutritious, pleasant,
They're not grown here but oft come as a present.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S ACROSTIC.
I Ink K
T Tosi I
A Albion N
L Log G
I Id D
A Atto 0
N Norham M
Answers received to Oct. 19lth.-None correct. "Telegraph" gives "Italian
Freedom" and says "very easy indeed! It is a pity he doesn't shew how he
works it out.
SuB., Shorneliffe.-There were eight ladies of the name. You quote MAUNDER
correctly, but there are other authorities known, and we were correct :-as for
Etretat-Bah!
NOTICEI.-On November the 5th, price Twopence,
FUN ALMANAC
Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous Illustrations, engraved by
the DALZIEL BROTHERS.


London: Prjnted by JJuD 1& GLASS, P! enix Works, St. Andrew's Hill. Doetori' Commons, and Piiblished (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at S0, Fleet-sreet, E.C.-Saturday, Oetober 27, tS.;6.


'^'*f 1









NOVEMBER 3, 1866.]


FUN.


S=z


.




p---


AS I S N- D


SE COTLAND.

ASSES IN SCOTLAND.


Native :--"1HAE YE KEN'D TWA WEE CUDDIES P A CE
in hen<
Tourists (puzzled):-"EHn? OH! WELL-WE REALLY DON'T KNOW called i
WHERE THEY SELL SUCH THINGS, WE'RE STRANGERS HERE?"

FROM OUR STALL. plot simple, but suffici
THE Faust of GoETHE-that sublime jumble of metaphysics, diablerie, worthy of the piece.
coarse wit and exquisite pathos, heaped up so elaborately and carved find a single fault--h
into the shape of a Sphynx-is not for a common audience. It requires he is an admirable co
a houseful of deep thinkers; people who never applaud, never bay and MR. WYNDHAM ii
playbills,'and never pay for seats when they can get orders. (Trans- a small one. Of Miss
cendental idealists in arms need not be admitted.) As a stage-play in her laughing eye w
the immortal Faust, which takes four mortal hours for performance, is LEIGH MURRAY, alwa
dull. Perhaps, as an acting piece, Hamlet is also dull; but amongst H.R.H. the PRINCE
Englishmen Hamlet is a sort of religion and Faust will never be more Street, the other even
than a sort of superstition. Everything in the power of management new burlesque might
has been done for the drama by Mr. CHATTERTON. It is carefully theatre late, it appeal
translated and beautifully mounted; Mr. BEVEnLEY'S share in its pro- princely compliment
duction gained him a couple of hearty calls on the first night. The ments from everybody
witch-festival on the Brocken is an admirable bit of effect, heightened Freyschutz-who dese
by the weird music of Mendelssohn. Mr. PHELPS disappointed us; esprit now-a-days.
the make-up of his head resembled a clown more than a devil, and his When a disagreeab
delivery was too solemn for that flippant fiend Mephistopheles. MA. to the speaker. Eit]
EnDMND PHELPs-the father and the son, by the way, are as like as compass as possible.
two P's-hardly made his voice old enough in the study-scene, but he Ethel; or, Only a Lifi
turned out a very graceful young lover afterwards. Mr. W. HARHI- agreeable piece, and
SON played the important character of Valentine and sang with more which, there are sevce
spirit than tune; some of his higher notes were as flat as flounders, to inspire uneasiness i
and a promising young tenor who sat near us during the performance who cater for the pub
was driven into great agonies thereby. Mrs. HERMAN VEZIN made a various forms, EnglisJ
delightfully tender and impassioned Marguerite and looked as German and daughters to hear
as a picture' by SCHErFER. The music seems to have been selected poverty, and Waterlo
from every composer except GouNoD; it was very well played and not occasion to have the fi
badly sung. Everybody should go to Drury Lane and see Faust; no vice flaunts in velvet,
doubt everybody will. We shall rejoice, for our own part, if GOETHE other subjects more a
should prove a success; for the success of GOETHE may encourage Mr. class of people who pa
CHATTERTON to give us a translation from SCHILLER. is not necessarily the '
A new play, in two acts, by Mn. CRAVEN, called Meg's Diversion, the prose, poetry, and
has been well received at the Royalty. The dialogue is pointed, the sent Lord Lytton, ou\


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN.

No. 11.-O! SI SIC OMNIA!
JUST now, when we've been shaking hands,
And drinking wine at Brussels,
We turn our thoughts to foreign lands,
Forgetting by-gone tussles;
Alhambra ballets-not in Spain-
Are driving Paris frantic;
And plays and actors seek the Seine,
Or cross the broad Atlantic.
Columbia's wilfulness, they say,
Her parent tries to smother,
But when she takes one friend away
She sends across another.
She may be thought a little wild,
But let's no longer parley,
We all can well forgive the child
That gave us Mus. CHARLEY !

No. 12.-TEMIPUS FUGIT.
OH! whisper not that old Time will fly,
Or watch his hour-glass scattering dust,
If he likes you well he will pass you by,
And spoil his terrible scythe with rust.
We can never forget one Fancy Fair,
Though many a year its course has run
Since slippers were sold at a guinea a pair,
And pottles of strawberries kissed for fun.
But sure as the holiday-time comes round,
And the monarch of pantomime reigns again,
Each year one favourite face is found
Which lightens legitimate Drury Bano ;
Then tell me not that old Time is fleet,
Wore he swift or slow wouldd be still the samo,
For eyes will glisten, and hearts will beat
At the sound of LYDIA TiHOMsox's name.


From the India Office.


LEBRATED city in Inuia is abOul to oe re-named
our of the new Secretary of State. It is to be
a future Cranbourne Alloy-habad.


ently interesting, and the performance in general
With Milt. CRAVEN, as an actor, we can only
.e plays to the house. In spite of this drawback,
median. MIR. F. DEWAR was genial and brisk;
pressed us very favourably, though his part was
SOLIVER, we cannot say enough; there is a light
rhich takes the shine out of criticism itself. hies.
ys a thorough actress, is in this charming.
or WALES visited his own theatre, in Tottenham
ing, and previously requested that Mit. BEvoN's
be playedfirst, so that IHI.R.H. (who goes to the
rs) might see the comedy of Ours, entire. A
for the author of Owurs-who deserves compli-
ly; but a princely slight for the author of J)er
rvcs slights from nobody, and is reckoned a bel

lo thing is to be said, there are two sourPes open
iher niolt to Say I1L al lii, u' LWu zi) I III UN iiiitll at
With regard to the New Adclphi drama of
we prefer the latter course. It is a most dis-
was, deservedly, a failure. Notwithstanding
ral clever things in it-all of the sort calculated
n an audience. We can assure those gentlemen
lic, that despite the success of La Traviata in
hmen do not like their wives, mothers, sisters,
too much of the inevitable association of virtue,
o Bridge. Though men are vicious, there is no
act forced upon our notice at the theatre. Though
and goodness is condemned to cotton, there arc
greeable and interesting to the very respectable
iy for Boxes, Pit, and Gallery. The Repulsive
L'ruthful, and it is always the Ugly, a fact of which
Large capitals found in the writings of the pre-
ght to convince every aspiring dramatic author.


VOl.. IV.


I'









78 F NJ [NovEMBER13, 1866.



ON THE STAGE.

IIE lght on the greensward was over,
The last croquet battle was done,
As twilight came many a lover,
Was sighing for victories won.
For never a lawn was there laden
With mallets and croquet balls yet,
But some sorely-beaten young maiden
Would put herself quite in apet.
AAnd many a lover would languish
te e ma In pain, with a heart very sore,
And promise, rash boy, in his anguish,
To croquet his lady no more.
TAnd yet on this day when we parted
SFrom croquet, came comfort to all,
And ladies the lawn left light-hearted
-. To dress fkr the stage and the ball.
We'd worked each in different fashion,
Till night from the dawning of day,
It put papa quite in a passion,
~ When any one mentioned our play.
bo_ This evening our triumph was certain,
~ ith songs and with dances grotesque,
We'd promised to draw up the curtain,
On BYRoN's most sparkling bnylesque.
I know I was foolish to stand it,
For oh! that unfortunate night,
And yet I was cast" as a bandit,
And she as the prince I must fight.
Of course she would win, for to beat her,
Would outrage all rules of the stage,
Throughout I must threaten to eat her,
And rattle my teeth in a rage.
My playing gave great satisfaction, He kept with a grin the seat next her,
I acted the part to the life, I used to consider mny place,
Yet lost by each horrible action, I knew that I'd terribly vext her
My chance of the pet for a wife. As brigand, with savage grimace.
They praised me next day-it was pleasant So, now in my woeful condition,
To know that my acting was good; I growl, in my impotent rage,
But CAPTAIN DE LACY was present, A warning to those whose ambition,
And flirting as hard as he could. Would lead them to shine on the stage.

these remains have been carted there by some contractor employed in
Silevelling, removing, or otherwise violating some London churchyard.
r Unless some steps are taken in this matter in the interests of morality,
BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY. decency, and health, paupers-and other people, too, for that matter-
will refuse to die, and the guardians would find that awkward; so they
THE Bethnal Green guardians have waked up! Their proverbial had better see to it.
disregard of their duties has encouraged the undertaker, who contracts WHILE mentioning the Christmas books last week I forgot to
to bury their paupers, to neglect his duties so grossly that they are mention one of the most promising-a collection of illustrations
obliged to become severe. A poor woman complained that two of her selected from the Argosy and Good Io'rds (N.B.-Not the early illus-
children were buried by the parish in July last, and that she, going to trations of Madonna Mary "), which will be printed at the Camden
the funeral, had to ride in a SHILLIBEERn hearse, which conveyed no less Press, and published by Ma. STRAHAN. The selections will be more
than nine coffins to the Great Northern Cemetery. Of these nine varied than such selections generally are, and will number several of
bodies, all, save one, were those of paupers who had died of cholera- the best works of our foremost draughtsmen. Apropos of draughtsmen,
the exception being that of one who had died of fever. IHer descrip- I learn that photographs from Doar's original pictures for "Elaine"
tion of the horrors of her journey is too terrible to repeat, but they will be published, which will enable many who are familiar with his
may be imagined when I mention that though this took place in last work interpreted on the wood to see how it looks fresh from his hand.
July, the woman has been so ill ever since that she could only prefer her Specimens may ,be seen at MESSRS. MARIox's, in Soho-square. The
complaint a week ago. But the horrors are not all over yet 1 The Savage Club is to bring out an annual this year. It will number many
bodies had no funeral service read over them at the cemetery, and popular names among its contributors, literary and artistic. The pro-
were-she alleged-not buried, but placed on the ground and covered ceeds of its sale will be for the benefit of the young widow of an artist
with earth. The contractor was called, who, to all intents and purposes, recently deceased. By the way, I have been puzzling over that London
admitted the poor woman's charges against himself, and confirmed all Review article on the Savage Club, and a light dawns on me. It
she said about things which did not involve such charges! does not attack a Clerkenwell Club, which is no better and no worse
WROUGHT to the highest pitch of indignation by this abominable than those which it abuses. The writer is, therefore, probably a
scandal on a Christian country and a civilized community, the board member of the favoured association. It will not be difficult to arrive
of guardians-told Mn. BE ,LAMY not to do it again! Whether even at him by the exhaustive process, even if his gentle style betrays
this severity is sufficient to meet the case, I don't feel quite certain, him net.
but do fooeel certain that unless an inspection of cemeteries-and a more S sHEF.IELD seems determined to lend its aid to those who denounce the
complete one than that of workhouses-is established by Government, working-man and oppose his admission to the franchise. Every friend
it will be better to burn our dead decently, like the old Romans. That of the industrial classes feels pained beyond measure at the outrages
would be a far preferable course to such a system of interment as which are committed there, and all join in hoping that the perpetrators
prevails at present, to say nothing of the chances of the bodies being of the last act of ferocity may be d'scovered-if possible by the aid of
dug up for railways, or served as we read of their being served in working men-and severely punished. It may be perfectly true to
Bishopsgate-street. Human bones have been found among rubbish allege that these outrages are the fruits of the old laws of labour
shot in St. George's Fields, Camberwell, and it is conjectured that repealed by Huur, but unfortunately that rather gives weight to the









NOViMBER 3, 1866.] IF' I XT 79


arguments against the fitness of the working man for the franchise.
The letter of the secretary of the Sawgrinders Union does not benefit
the cause either. And yet in spite of this, and with the full conscious-
ness of the prevalence of strikes and the position taken up by the
working men generally, I can't help saying that I believe the only
cure for the evil will be found to be a material lowering of the fran-
chise. It would remove one great cause of discontent and agitation
among working men-the belief that they are not fairly represented
in Parliament, and a fairly grounded "belief it is! The matter is
rapidly growing serious, there is a terrible stagnation of trade, and
there must be a great amount of suffering. It is time something were
done. Cannot Ma. GLADSTONE find a remedy ? He is a man in whose
sense of justice, no less than his intellect and ability, all classes have
confidence, and: he might well take the place of arbitrator in the
difficulty.


: eaes to a Slumberiing Infant.
'SAu.iBw ud of fail humanity, thou liest-
(Lkamea repose of course, and not a fib)-
Laptiin Elysian slumbers, and thou sighest
Serenely,heaving thy young guileless bib
With- the long breath of sleep. Thy baby lips
Pout.withsa baby snore, like Zephyr's sigh;
And as ?hou-suck'st thy tiny finger-tips
Thou-stay a moment for he opes his eye,
And I mmst-rock his cradle, lest he wake
And wail to find the world is not all pap.
Hush! He-isi going off-let no one make
Theslightest stir or it will rouse, mayhap-
Ha! What a-slam! Confound the noisy-door,
He'svide awake as PoiBaus, God of Day.
Now he begins-good heavens, what a roar!-
Here! SusAN, take this squalling brat away!


CURIOSITIES OF NATURAL HISTORY.*
TO THE EDITOR.
SIR,-I have a remarkably docile cat whom (I cannot allude to so
intelligent an animal as which") I have taught a variety of accom-
plishments. Directly she sees a mouse she crouches like a tiger, and
when she has determined on the exact distance between the mouse and
herself, she makes a spring and seizes the unfortunate little animal
with her fore paws. I have taught her to come into the dining-room
at dinner time, and sit at my side until I give her a portion of what-
ever I may be eating. I have also taught her to quarrel with any
dog she may happen to meet. She distinguishes easily between a dog
and a horse, for she never hogs her back at the latter, while she'
invariably exhibits much inquietude when left alone with a dog,
especially if it is one of a ferocious breed. I had very little trouble in
teaching her this.
I have seen her sit for hours gazing at a canary bird, which I have
trained to affect extreme alarm whenever within reach of pussy. Not-
withstanding my dear little cat's horror of cold water, I have taught
her to catch gold fish out of a vase, and eat tkem quite up. She has
seven of them every day. I have trained my gold fish to swim round
and round, and round their globe- all day long, and to eat little bits of
bread when I throw them into theater. I have also taught them to
open and shut their mouths in' a very amusing manner, which gives
them the appearance .of public singers at the Crystal Palace, and the
sounds which they emit are quite as audible as a vocal concert at that
place of amusement.
But my proudest triumph is the extraordinary power Ihave obtained
over the mind of a tame blackbeetle which I have trained to scamper
away into its hole whenever it sees me.
If these interesting anecdotes are of any value to your useful paper,
pray use them.


THE 1,000,000th!!!
A THREE VOLUME SENSATION.
VOL. I.
AT the close of a fine autumnal day, during the troublous year eighteen
hundred and sixty-odd, a handsome and intelligent youth might have
been observed collecting obliterated postage-stamps in a retired part
of Islington. Several hundred of the fragile baubles lay before him
on the table of his modest parlour.
Suddenly there came a loud, quick summons that shook the entire
district. Hark! a second ; and then all was utter silence for a time.
Anon there came an open, and shutting of doors--a scuffle of busy
feet;-and a domestic enlmd the apartment bearing a letter. The
contents of the missive raasm follows:-
Dear Gur,-Nothing-dll shake Papa's resolution. I implore you
to persevere in your task. Ymouhave two years allowed for its com-
pletion; and what is a millim. dear ? Go on and conquer, as you
value the hand of Your ANGELICA.
"P.S.-In the top right-handleorner of the envelope which contains
this, you will find a queen's-head. Remove it with care, and it will
serve to swell your collection."
Guy kissed the precious missio--abstracted the stamp-and retired
early to a bolster stuffed withfealhuersfrom the wing of Cupid.

VOL.. II.
479,834!
One year was over, and thela'bours of Guy were not yet half aceom-
plished. Still the hoard kept increasing day by day. His fellow-
clerks in the City had come forward manfully in the cause; and a few
young ladies at Barnsbury, interested'(in the romance of the affair, had
formed themselves into a committee andt contributed seventy-nine
stamps, together with an expression of proftund sympathy written in
red ink.
Butfin at emeantime toil and anxiety were dbing their work upon
hbe-once jubilant and' vivacious Guy. His.cheek-as no longer ruddy
-hie eye wasino longer lighted up with Love and Hope. Occasion-
ally, as he contemplated the barrier that stood between himself and
Angelica, the tear would start unbidden.
Medical men recommended a change of air; but there was an in-
superable obstacle. Our great metropolis is the centre of commerce,
and a large proportion of that commerce is carried on through the
agency of the penny post. The climate of Broadstairs is irreproach-
able; but there is only one delivery per diem in that salubrious
village.
The enfeebled but courageous Guy determined that he would remain
in London. Come what might, he would be true to his post! The
weary weeks and months crawled on and the collection increased slowly
but surely.
Angelica's devotion was noble. She wroto at least once a fortnight,
and never enclosed less than half-a-dozen obliterated postage-stamps.
Guy was grateful, but a little jealous. How came it, he asked him-
self, that a timid and retiring girl could receive six letters in a couple
of short weeks ? He would have given worlds to see the envelopes!

VOL. III.
999,999 !
At the close of an autumnal day, exactly two years after the events
narrated in our first volume, Guy lay stretched upon a bed of sickness.
The gorgeous fabric of his ambition was within one little unit of com-
pletion, but his face was pale and his eyes lustreless.
A few devoted friends were around his bed; there was no lack of
sorrow in that little group. Many of them, stem men of the world,
would have purchased at the price of gold one simple obliterated
postage-stamp. But it was not to be !
Guy raised himself in bed-looked round him affectionately-and
was on the point of speaking, when the well-known summons at the
street-door reverberated through the house.
They brought the letter to him. He tore it open, and read in a
weak voice:-


ours, IMEA tGu,-Papa expects you this evening, and is prepared at
ours, A AL A once to join our hands if the conditions are fulfilled. The time
allotted will expire at midnight. Yours, ANGELICA.
She 'ave been and done it! "P.S.-At the corner of this envelope you will find a stamp. It
Shej lave been anud done it.! will serve to swell your collection."
THE wif&-of our bosom, having lately paid a visit to the cornfields The trembling fingers of the reader tore away the precious gift.
to witness the melancholy state of the harvest, declares that to see the Victory! victory! he gasped, clenching it in his emaciated hand.
wheat standing in shoes is quite shocking. We shall be glad if any But it is too late. Farewell, Angelica! Farewell, my friends I If
of our legal subscribers will inform- us whether we cannot apply to the you would earn the gratitude of a dying man, bury this relic with me.
Divorce Court for protection against any similar assaults on our I" --
domestic peace. His voice died away.
----They found it impossible to extricate the postage-stamp, so it was
We fear that there has been somni mistake here, and that t. -s letter ir.ended buried with him, as he requested.
-or our friends above, Land and FWFter.-Ed. FNIS.









80so FUN.


[NoVEMBER 3, 1866.


SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
Broom :-"Ai, YOU DUNNO WOT I'VE GOT!"
Basket:-" No WOT is IT?"
Broom :-" THE TOOTHACHE."


AN ASS-TY ONE.
'TwAs impossible to get by him, I protest. He was tied to a ring in
the wall, and was standing at the full extent of his tether.
"Poor fellow," said I, "thou wouldst fain be away with thy fellows
munching thistles, I doubt not."
He turned his head towards me, plaintively, and winked his left
eyelid. 'Twas a fly that had settled on it, but it looked like intelligence.
I took him by the halter to pull him towards the wall, but he gave
a patient shake of his head and hung back.
If thy master placed thee there," I said, dropping the rope, thou
art right to abide by his orders. If thou gettest a beating through me
may I be whipped."
'Twas about an hour from mid-day, and my breakfast would not be
ready before half-past twelve, so I could well afford to wait.
Meantime the ass drooped his head and smelt at the salt sand. "'Tis
ill food, JACK," said I, but I can mend it, perhaps." I felt in my
pocket, where I had put a pic-nic biscuit some hours before, but it
was not there. I have eaten it, JACK, greedy wretch that I am," said
I, but here is something that may assuage thy hungry pangs." It was
a tract that had been put into my hands that morning. The ass took
a couple of steps forward to test the quality of my offer. He smelt the
paper, but did not essay to eat it.
Now is my time, thought I. The ass in stepping forward had left
room for me to pass behind him without walking into the water.
Farewell, Honesty," said I, as I essayed to make the passage.
But just then, I know not whether 'twas that fly again or the tract,
but the ass flung out behind and caught me with both hoofs in the
stomach.
Alas! poor Yorick.

MOTTO FOR THE VOLUNTEERS (by one who went to Belgium).-" Quo
F&e-a vocant."


"Those, who Live in Glass Houses," &c.
THAT very genteel paper, the Tall Mall Gazette, is occasionally
pleased to be severe on the grammatical composition of its contem-
poraries. We would humbly direct the attention of the editor to the
communications of his own contributors. In a review of "The
Romance of Mary Constant," which recently appeared in its columns,
we find the following:-
The comfortable, self-possessed way in which GERARD speaks of expecting a
woman whom he knew passionately loved him," .1
To place the elegance of this phrase more clearly before our readers,
we will take away what every pupil-teacher knows as the adjective
sentence, and we then have the passage in its unadorned beauty, "The
woman whom loved him."

MONOTONY.
On! dire monotony, whence all escape
Is hopeless-unattainable! I fain
Would learn in what unenviable shape
Thou dost reflect on man the direst pain.
Experience whispers in my anxious ear,
The direst form in thine extended range-
Thy shape in which thou showest the most drear
Is poverty, that cannot get small change.

A Capital Suggestion.
IT is reported that an energetic effort will be made by the leaders of
the fashions in Paris next season to revive the practice of powdering
the hair. It is to be regretted the leaders of fashion do not pay as
much attention to the insides of their heads as they do to the outsides.






F UJ N .-NTovEMnm 3, 18GG.


RAILWAY RICHES; OR, THE RACE FOR WEALTH.
Share and Debenture-holders :-" HI! STOP HIM! HE'S GOT OUR MONEY."








NOVEMBER 3, 1866.]


FUN.


MRS. BROWN'S GARDEN.
DON'T talk to me about the garding, for whatever they puts them
little gardings to 'ouses for I can't think, as isn't big enough to dry
in, and as to anything a-growin' in 'em, why, howeverr can they, for
what with the blacks a-smotherin' the place, and the cats a-tearin'
and a-scratehin' about 'em like mad, nothing ain't got a chance, as
is either scratched up in its seeds or broke off short when jest a-comin'
up, as is very dis'artenin' to the feeling's ; and I must say I was put out
with them sparrers as come and nipped off the tops of my sweet peas as
was justa-peepin' up thro' the pots as I'd got in a row at the back parlour
winder, though mininette is my favourite. But there the garding was,
and a nice wilderness when we come in; so I says to BRowN, It
must be done something with," as spoke in 'is way, a-sayin', Blow
the garding! I says, "It's werry easy to set there a-blowin' the
garding, Mr. BxowN, but you won't get nothing' to blow in the garding
if something ain't sowed, and it won't never do for us not to 'ave it
genteel, like next door, both sides, the one bein' done with nubly stones
for paths, and oyster-shells round the border, as look uniform, but I
should say 'urtful to the feet; and as to old ACOCKs a-flingin' all his
snails over our wall, if I ketches 'im at that game agin I'll settle 'im,
for I'm sure there was a noble sunflower as never come to nothing
thro' them snails a-climbin' and a-slimin' all over it." BRowN,
he says, I don't care what you do, only let that cowcumber frame
alone, and don't go a-runnin' into no expense with that garding, for
it won't never repay," for BnowN 'ad brought the cowcumber frame
from the old house thro' being' partial to 'em, likewise a wegetable
marrer, as I calls poor watery trash.
I says, I don't suppose as it ever will raise nothing, but tidy it
must be, or a regular eyesore from the back winders." I'd 'ad the
front done worry nice that time as we fust come into the house and
kep' up regular till the party as did it emigrated, and it was now
a-gettin' overrun, and so I asks MRS. TwEEDY, as is the baker's at the
corner, for to recommend me any one as could do it. Well," she
says, "there's old Eniuoxs, as did use to be a florist's 'cad man, at
Battersea. He'll do it, no doubt, and be glad thro' being' come down in
his circumstances, and only eighteenpence a week for to maintain
'isself, and a-livin' with his own son, as is a engineer, and a nice life
he must 'ave always a-draggin' about them children, and 'er a eg'lar
brimstone."
"Well," I says, "send 'im to me," andhe come according and when
he see the garding he says, Ah! I could make a paradise on it for
you for quite a trifle." I says, "I don't want no paradise, as isn't
things to be looked for here, but," I says, "only commonly decent."
He come in the werry next day, and begun at it, and brings in barrers-
full of earth thro' that back gate.
So I says to 'im "I don't want no expense, Ma. EnMONDS." He
says, "We shan't quarrel over that. I takes a pleasure in it, and
should like for to do it." Well, I thought as it was natural as he
should feel like that, and p'r'aps glad of a excuse to keep out of the
way of his grandchildren, and so he come a-potterin' about and
brought another man two days as put in box and a load of gravel, and
raked up them borders as looked, I must say, worry neat. He begun
the Tuesday and left off the Friday, and leaves a bit of raper with the
gal through me being' out to tea, and off he goes. When I come in that
night I was tired, so I puts the bit of paper on the mantelpiece as the
gal give me, and went to bed, and when we was at breakfast the next
morning' BuIowN takes up the paper and says, Hullo What's this ?"
" Oh! I says, "a shillin' or two for old EDMONDS a-tidyin' up the
back garding." He says, "I don't know what you calls a shillin' or
two. Why, here's a bill for nearly four pounds." I says, "What-
ever are you a-talkin' about ?" He says, "Here's labour, one pound
four; gravel, a pound; and a lot for mould and box, as makes three
pound sixteen." I says, "He shall summons me for it. I'll never pay
it in this world." BRowx says, "You must." I says, "I won't."
He says, "We shall see."
It was about eleven that same day, as that old EDMoNDS come
a-cringin' up to the door, and sent in word to know whether it would
be convenient to settle his little bill. Out I goes, and I says, Your
littlewhat, you extortionin' old thief? To dare for totryonsicharobbery
withme." L He says, Who are you a-callin' a thief?" I says, You,
for that's what you are." He says, I'll make you prove your words."
I says, I can do so. Didn't you tell me as doin' up that garding would
cost a few shillin's, and here you've been and run me up to nearly four
pounds." He says, I've only charged you cost price for everything,
as this young man can prove," and then I see as he'd got the feller
with 'im as 'ad been 'elpin' 'im, as stood there a-smilin'. I says,
" Do you mean to say as it's cost just upon four pounds to do up that
dog-'ole?" He says, "It's 'ardly payin' us." And he says, "If
you don't pay me, give this young man the money, as 'as got a family
to support, through its bein' Saturday." I says, "Get out, the pair
on yQu, for a couple of swindlin' thieves; I'll never pay you," and
I bangs the door slap in their faces, and in I goes.
iWell, I thought as I'd just look round that guarding to see what


they'd done'for the money, and just as I was walking' along the gravel
walk, I gets a knock on the nose, as woke me up, and if it wasn't old
Acocis,' as 'ad thrown a snail as big as a new pertater over the wall,
and sketched me on the nose. I was in a rage, and more so when I
looks round and sees six or seven big snails a-layin' about, and crawlin'
slimy all over the border. So I picks 'em up, and over I throws 'em
agin, a regular shower, and heardd old AcocKs holler; the steps was just
by, so I gets up 'em, and sees 'im a-starin' and a-wipin' 'is bald 'ead.
He says, Did you commit that outrage on me ? I says, I don't
know what you means by a outrage, but I throw'd you back your
nasty snails, and if you gives me any more on 'em, I'll throw you
over something' stronger." He says "You're an abusive old termna-
gant and abad neighbour." I says, "I'm nothing' of the sort, as pays
my way, and would scorn to starve a servant or steal a bun."
I know'd I 'ad 'im there, as owes the milkman over three pounds, as
he can't get, and was took up about the buns; and if one gal 'as left
them in six months, I'm sure as five 'ave, and told my gal as they was
starved out. He says, "'Ow dare you stand up there abusin' me ?" I
says, "'Ow dare you throw your snails over my wall ?" He says, "I'll
throw you over the wall. Don't'stand on them steps a-overlookin' me."
I says, I shall stand where I pleases." He says, You shan't," and
if he didn't give the top of the steps as I were on a shove, and away
they slips from under me, and over I goes into that cowcumber frame
as BnowN was so proud on, and smashed it to powder.
It's lucky as them steps turned round with me, and sent me backards
into that frame, or I should 'ave been disfigured for life. Well, there
I was in that cowcumber frame, wedged, and couldn't get out was it
ever so, and the gal 'ad gone out and forgot to take the key, and there
she was a-ringin' like mad. I felt as the glass had cut my elber, and
was afraid to struggle much for fear as it should penetrate deeper. If
that cowardly old ASocts didn't run in-doors and shot the back door,
the' he must 'ave know'd what he'd done through 'earin the crash. I
don't know how long I might 'avo been left a-stickin' in that cow-
cumber frame if old EDMONDS' man 'adn't come for his barrier, as he'd
left behind, and known' the ways of the place, opened the back garding
door through a-puttin' 'is 'and over the top, as is 'ighly dangerous for
any one as wanted to break in. As soon as he see me the idjot grinned.
I says, Don't stand there a-grinnin' at me like a fool, but come and
'elp me out," as he did, and there wasn't much 'arm done to me, except
my elber, but them cowcumber plants was smashed dreadful, not to
speak of the glass. Of course I give that man a drop of something to
drink, and then thought as p'raps I might as well pay 'im, and 'ave
done with it, as might want the money for 'is family. So I says, "Can
you give me a receipt?" He says, "Yes." I says, "Do so," and took
and paid 'im the bill, so off he went, barrier and all.
BRowN was werry much put out about the cowcumber-framo when
he come'omo, but law bless you, in course took ACOCKS's part, a-sayin'
as I did ought to be ashamed of myself. I never did see such a man
to side agin 'is own flesh and blood, never; and I felt very much 'urt
in my feeling's, let alone what the cowcumber frame had done. I can't say
as I was sorry when old EDMnONDS come ag'in the Monday morning ,
follerin' for 'is bill, and I told 'im as I'd paid 'is man. He pretty nigh
went wild. He says, You didn't ought to 'avcpaid'im." I says, "Then
why did you tell me to, as I've a witness can prove," as was my gal, as
'card 'im say as I was to pay the young man as wanted it for his family.
IHe says, He's got no family, and I shall never see a farthing of the
money." Isays, "And serveyou rightif you don't." He says, "11's the
biggest blackguard in the place, and a ticket-of-leave man." 1 says,
"'Ow dare you bring such a'wile character about my place?" I says;
But there's the receipt, and I hope you'll never get a farthin'," and I
walks in and shots the door. But I sent the gal immediately for the
locksmith, to come and put a fresh bolt on that back-gate lower down,
so as I mightn't 'ave my ticket-of-leave gentleman a-walkin',in any
more. And it's my opinion, as old EDMONDS put nothing in that
garding, but weeds, for they growed up, and all good for nothing, except
a bit of groundsil, as did for my bird. But I don't spend no more on
that garding, not if the weeds growed up to choke me, as the sayin' is.


LOST.
I MISSED thee at the dawn of day :
I rose before the light;
I missed thee-it is vain to say
That my regret is light!
"I missed thee! all my hopes were lost,
My labour idly spent;
Why speak of all the pain it cost
To learn that you had went 1 "
So sang a youth one dreary morn,
And sadly gazed about him,
He'd missed the train, and was forlorn
That it had gone without him!








IF U1 N [NOVEMBER 3, 1866.


T H E B R I1D G E.
Br Loions Socius.
I STOOD on the bridge at mid-day,
And the crowd was striking in power,
And the roar rose from the City,
And the docks about the Tower.
And I made a bright reflection
On the waters under me,
Like a muddy highway flowing
With steamers to the sea.
*
How often, oh, how often,
In omnibus or fly,
I have crossed the bridge at mid-d ay,
When you hardly could get by.
How often, oh, how often,
I have wished the crowd beside
Were at Jericho or elsewhere,
Or the pathway were more wide.
For my heart was hot and restless,
And my mind was full of care,
That the train I wished to go by
Might have started when I got there.

And I think how many thousand
Of crowd-encumbered men,
Each striving to stem the current,
Have missed their trains since then.
I see the long procession
Of the cabs and the 'buses go,
And the eager people restless
Because they must walk so slow.


And for ever, and for ever,
For all that a party knows,
As long as the cabs and 'buses
Must pause with their frequent wohs,"
To cross it in either direction
Will take an hour or near,
So you simply must start at eleven
If by twelve you would cross it clear.


A TALE.
VOL I.
ARTHUR BAILEY was a poet. His hair was long: so was'his pipe: so
was his tailor's bill.
He loved his publisher's daughter. But this is not a tale of man's
love for woman, nor of woman's love for man. No, certainly not.
Perish the publisher's daughter, then!
ARTHUR BAILEY had but one intimate. One intimate who shared
his study as he wrote-who shared his breakfast as he ate. A cat.
A tall cat, with long legs, and no tail to speak of. A cat with a
Roman nose, and fat eyes. A cat that crackled when you]rubbed her
the wrong way.
Her name ? It was MARY JANE WORTERS. MARY JANE, after a
person called MARY JANE. WORTEES after a person called WORTEBS.
Life is crammed with such coincidences.
She was the poet's only boon companion. He had trained her to
dance a saraband, and to imitate HERR WHAULKINI in his celebrated
drawing-room entertainment with a hearth-rug and a globe. He was
always teaching her something. So she progressed in knowledge.
Weekly he read her the current number of Fux, right through from
beginning to end. So she increased in wit, which is the father of
knowledge. She could sing a comic song, or give a lecture on Experi-
mental Philosophy, after the manner of MR. PEPPER. She was always
practising her accomplishments.
So, no wonder the poet could not get on in his profession without
her.
They were inseparable.









NOVEMBER 8, 1866.] F U 1 N. 85


VOL II.
One day the poet fell asleep. It was not a thing he often did, so do
not blame him, reader. No, reader, do not blame him. Can you look
bask on your guilty career, and, laying your hand upon your heart,
declare that you have never done the same ? No, reader, ycu cannot.
He fell asleep, and dreamt a dream. Singular to say, when he
awoke (which, to his honour, be it said, he eventually did), he could not
recall its incidents in the order in which they presented themselves to
him, nor could he always supply the links which connected his brain-
narrative.
Pained at this curious accident, he called for WORTERS, to know
whether she had forgotten the dream also. For," argued he, I
distinctly remember that WOIRTERs was in it, and she will at all events
be able to recollect those portions in which she took an active part.
For WOrTERS is no fool."
He called WORTERS "
He shouted WOrTEnS "
He yelled WoTEns !"
He screamed "WOnTERs'i"
He shrieked WoTERS "
But no WOrTERS replied.
In short, she was not to be found. In other words, she-was lost; or
to put it differently, had disappeared.
ARTui a BAILEY, poet though he was, fell senseless on the floor.
VOL. III.
"Five thousand pounds for WoRTEns, dead or alive! "
This was the handbill circulated by ArTHUn BAILEY over this great
Metropolis.
He had sought for her in the East, in the West, in the North, in
the South, in the N.E., in the S.E., in the N.W., in the S.W., in the
N.N.E. by N. Northerly, in the-(thirty-two points of the compass.
ED.) But in vain.
He had written fifty poems in her honour, and would have written
fifty-one, but that his publisher thought fifty enough. So did the
publisher's daughter. But what of her ? I answer "Pish!"
Ha! A tall elderly man-a cab-driver-with the body of a dilapi-
dated cat! It is BAILEY'S WORTEns, but dead! Alack!
ARTHTUR makes the Five Thousand, Ten-and hands it to the cab-
man who is evidently pleased, though he asks for sixpence more,
because it is a wet night.
ARTnII has his WORTERS once more. Yes-the same long legs-
the same no tail to speak of-the same fat eyes, though closedin death.
WORTER has evidently had a hard time of it, for she is much rumpled,
and bears evidence of having been run over several times. An ear
has gone, and many flies are intimate with her. She is extremely
dirty, and altogether most unprepossessing.
But what is this to ARTHn n ? Nothing He washes the corpse'with
Turkey sponge and lukewarm rose-water. He combs its hair and
rearranges its crushed ribs with the delicacy of a woman. He prints
one soft kiss on its brow, and with a sorrow that is too deep for tears,
deposits it in its quiet grave beneath its favourite rosemary.
Miaeiow !
"Ha! That sound? It is-no !-yes!-no !-can it be? it is!-it
is(my long-lost WoTErns! "
It was indeed the truant WOeTErr who stood upon the wall!
And she whom I have buried ? with such tender care ? "
Somebody else!
P And ATUoein BAILEY married his publisher's daughter, and bought
a large dry goods business in Boevis Marks.
Tan END.


THE HIDDEN SORROW.
LET others join the giddy whirl,
And dance while dance they may,
Nay smile not on me, foolish girl,
I cannot waltz to-day.
A hidden anguish wrings my breast,
A grief I cannot show,
My sorrow must not be confest-
I cannot tell thee-go!
Ah! false and frail and all too. dear-
Thy treachery must be hid ;
I've not another pair, too, here-
Oh! treacherous Alpine kid!
Farewell to waltzes, whispers, loves-
Oh! grief that knows no balm;
These wretched eighteenpenny gloves
Have burst across the palm.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(The answer in our next.)
THE honest workman shrinks away afraid,
From those who rule by terror o'er his trade;
And he who rules by terror doeth wrong
Most grievous, TENNYSOX bath said in song.
Let friends of freedom steadfastly unite,
To sweep such institutions from our sight.

1.
We read about the fiery IIun
In CAMPBELL'S stirring lay,
Yet greater deeds that race had done
Than on that awful day
When Iser flowed so swift and strong
Ensanguined to the sea,
And the great battle rolled along
Its sulphurous canopy.
In ancient days they gained much fame,
And many chiefs bore one proud name.
2.
The Mussulman who kept the prophet's rule
(It must have boon unpleasant while it lasted),
For one whole month-a most misguided fool,
Except at night most scrupulously fasted.
3.
The Guiscard we read,
'Was a wise man indeed,
And Salerno acquired for his race;
With a brave little town,
That o'er ocean looked down,
And by commerce attained a high place.


The lamps die out and the dancers fly,
From the earliest touch of the dawn's glad light ;
"It hides her dress," he said with a sigh,
"But I see where the winsomost eyes gleam bright."
5.
A smile was on his countenance,-he sccm'd
To common lookers-on like one who dream'd
Of idleness in groves Elysian ;
Say who the youth was, of whom one great man,
So wrote that garlands of immortal rhyme,
Made the old legend fresher fur all time.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S ACtRSTIC.
P Prop P
E Euryanthe E
R Reineke E
J Joofail L
U Ukraine E
R Ricimer R
Y Yams S


RAILWAY ECONOMY.
WE would reooommend to the attention of our readers the following
extracts from a report of a meeting of railway servants recently held
at the Metropolitan Music Hall:-
"One speaker said the labour imposed on them was beyond endurance, and as an
instance of the work often required, he mentioned the case of a guard on the South-
Western line who was employed twenty-seven hours without the slightest relief. Mr.
C. B. VINCENT, the founder of the Railway Working Man's Provident Society, stated
thathe knew ofaguard in the employment of the Midland Railway having worked eight
days and eight nights without having gone to bed, and he had seen others who had
worked three days and three nights without relief, in the service of the same com-
pany. It was also a fact that engine-drivers, in consequence of being over-worked,
often lay asleep on the foot-plate of the engine while the train was in motion ; and
that on awaking they only knew where they were by observing some familiar
spot on the route. The speaker appealed to the meeting for corroboration of the
statements he had made, and several of those present, by cries of Right, right,'
testified to their truth."
We have no great belief'in Royal Commissions, but here is a case in
which-if the House of Commons were not merely a>railway-directorial
body-we might hope to see one asked-for and obtained. The evil
cries for a remedy, and every exertion should be made to provide it,
not only for the sake of the railway servants, who are, as a body, civil,
good-tempered, patient, and obliging under very trying circumstances,
but also on behalf of those who travel by rail, and whose safety is
seriously endangered by this over-working of the staff.









IFUN.


[NOVEMBER 3, 1866.


s~zS -~

- -


_ .- -


A CROSSING IN LOVE.
Sweeper :-" SELPME, BILL, I'D SOONER SHE GUY ME VUN LOOK OUT OF HER BLUE HEYES NOR ALL THE BROWNS IN LUNNuN."


CHIGNONS.
0 FASHION! how strange thy vagaries
In dresses, and bonnets, and boots !
How often the crinoline varies
That whirls to a deuxtemps of COOTE'S!
And the wreaths, and the sleeves, and the bodices!
And the waists that are clasped in the dance,
Would astonish the gods and the goddesses-
Unless they had visited France.
But the fashion that governs the bonnet
(Perhaps it is tout au contraire-
I can't make my mind up upon it-)
Is the fashion of "doing the hair!
We all of us have our opinions,
And mine, I must candidly own,
Is this: that the things you call chignons
Are the ugliest things we have known!
They are half of them false as the figure
We see in a hairdresser's shop!
You must wear them, because it's de rigueur,
But you're always in fear lest they drop !
They are larger than ever this season,
And this theory's better than none,
That two heads-of hair, you may reason,
Are certainly better than one !


Done on Porpoise.
OQN of the sure signs," says a contemporary, of the decrease of
fish in large bodies of water is when the latter are forsaken by
porpoises." The exact opposite .holds good in the case of bodies,
large or small, on land, for their existence becomes more fishy as it
grows more porpoise-less.


2zintoerz ts Grrspauents.

E. GIDEoN.-The story has been the round of the papers, and we are
not in the habit of printing circulars.
DRY-DRN-not the veteran bard of course-is under consideration.
PRIVATE SEc.-Thanks.
ADDLEPATE.-WO sympathize with you. An attempt to solve the
puzzle has thrown a damp on our spirits.
J. J.-We fear the allusion would not be generally understood.
TocsIN.-No, he isn't-he's out.
SURREY SIDE.-We regret that we cannot "look always on the Surrey
side" with approval-at any rate we can't in this instance.
GAAMMA.-If of sufficient importance and merit.
RuSTIC.-Your drawing, like the horse, is scratched.
J. H. P.-The extracts from the Eisteddfod prize poem are certainly
Welsh rare-bits-(or should it be rabbits ?-or other long-eared animals ?).
BAD.-Too bad.
H. W. J. C., Dublin.-The air of your city must have the power of
doublin' your meaning-we can't see a single joke even in it.
"JUVENILE" is foolish too.
Declined with thanks-P. R., Cornhill; G. S. P., Torquay; A. M. N.,
Islington; Premier Pas; Pat O'S.; H. N., Kew; W. J. S.; C. P.,
Monmouth; Touchstone; A. A., Notting-hill; F. C. B., King's-cross;
Penumbra; J. Y. W.; E. M. A., Bayswater; W. B.; An Old Brute;
W. G. B., Belgrave-road; A Pert Girl; Verdant Green; J. H. C.,
Hackney; H. H.; W. C.; H. G. B., Pimlico; L. L.; T. E. P., Dar-
lington; Leonard; A. H. G., Birmingham; Talbot; H. R., Dublin;
R. L. F., Dublin; S. W. G., Mildmay Park; X.,Manchester; Aladdin;
W. E.; A. W., Cookham.

. NOTICE.-On November the 5th, price Twopence,
FUN ALMANAC,
Sixteen pages, Toned Paper, with numerous illustrations, engraved by
the DALZIEL BROTHERS.
TO THE TRADE.-The FUN Officee will be open at 5 a.m. on Monday
the 5th and the two following days.


London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phuenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons. and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Satarday, November 3, 1866.








NOVEMBER 10, 1866.] T T.


BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.


N-Ki, 1~1


HILE the grass
-" grows" -the
proverb's some-
what musty, but
-_ it has just re-
- ceived a painful
illustration.
While public in-
dignation was
S. I, protestingandthe
War-office solici-
tor was quib-
bling, popr SmI-
DER quitted this
life! The Army
and Navy Gazette
took up the
cudgels for Go-
vernment arainstt


an inventor who was only a civilian after all! But its arguments
don't tell exactly as it would wish. We are told-
It is not to be denied that Mr. Snider is in straitened circumstances, but any
activity on the part of Government, we fear, would not be of use to him, if, as we
learn, he has transferred to others, for a consideration, all his pecuniary interest,
present and prospective, in the invention."
Dire must have been the straits to which he was reduced by the usual
dilatoriness of Government departments ere he parted with his inven-
tion, and little indeed must have been the sum which he could have
raised on such a poor property as national gratitude! And this, as far
as I can see, only strengthens the case against Government. But what
is the use of wrangling about it now? The poor man is beyond
reach of recompense or reward, and as to the possibility of such a case
arising again, I should say it would be small: inventors will take their
wares to a better market henceforth, and so much the better, for it is
very hard that the retired delights of Government clerks should be
interfered with by these troublesome people!
THE magazines have come in. The Cornhill contains some verse
which is above the average. The illustration to The Claverings is
good this month, but that to "The Village on the Cliff" is unsatisfac-
tory. Mn. WALKER can draw so exquisitely that one cannot but
grieve to note a growing carelessness and looseness in his style.
London Soi i:ty is a very fair number, but why is some of the verse
printed in such eye-trying type ? The cuts accompanying an article on
the Old Bailey, which, by the way, is worth reading, deserve better
printing than they have received. I must postpone my notice
of Temple Bar and the Argosy as they have not yet come to
hand.* Christian Society appears to be by no means so ponderously
pious 'a its title would lead one to suppose. -By the way, dpropos of
things literary, has any one noticed a funny change in a rather
startling advertisement of a book called "Letters from "-Well, I'd
rather not say where At first the authorship was attributed to a
lost soul," but now it is given to a "Danish Pastor "-rather hard on
the latter that!
THE British Lion is at it again. The seizure, off Madeira, of the
British steamship Tornado, by the Spanish frigate Gerona, is tolerably
well known by this time. The crew have been put in irons, the stores
carried off, the machinery and tackle removed, and all appeal to the
authorities has been in vain. "Under these circumstances, as might be
expected, the British Lion is at it again! A British fleet has at once
sailed to Spain, Madrid has been bombarded, the Tagus set on fire,
and the English vessel liberated of course. I repeat, of course Tory
Governments are always pugnacious, and Spain is about of the size to
be hit with impimty, and so there can be no doubt that what I state
has taken place.
How oddly they conduct trials abroad! RISx ALLAH BEY is now
on trial at Brussels for murder. Days have been occupied in ex-
amining witnesses and listening to the statements of experts. And
what does the Procureur-General do on rising to speak for the
prosecution ? Will it be believed that he devotes his first day to a
scolding of the prisoner for wearing two or three orders to which it
is assumed he has no right! Fancy our Attorney-General opening
a prosecution for murder with a complaint that the prisoner had no
right to wear the button of some particular hunt, or-for one of
the Procureur's allegations amounts to that of an imaginary
hunt!
THERE is an admirable leader in the Telegraph of the 30th of last
month which, with Mt. JAMES GREENWOOD'S paper on the "Forty
Thieves" in the Star, I should very much like to see reprinted in the


form of a tract, to be distributed among publishers, vendors, and
writers of the Bleeskin and Starlight Bess class of literature. It is a
great pity that LORD CAMPBELL's Act does not extend to the suppres-
sion of these publications which are quite as immoral and damaging
as those of Holywell-street in its worst days. The Telegraph instances
a case in which a gang of young lads who assumed the nicknames of
JAcK SHEPPARD, DIcK TunPIN, and CLAUDE DUVAL (think of that,
Ma. HARRIFoN AINSWORTH, and my lord of Knebworth !), were cornm-
mitted for stealing a pair of boots. They were the sons of respectable
people, tempted not by want but the false romance of thief-literaturo,
and they treated their capture as a good joke laughingly,-for they
gloried in suffering as their heroes had suffered, and in being averso
to peaching" as their models are supposed to have been. What bitter
reason they will have for repenting of this by-and-by we all know.
But can nothing be done to punish the Fagins of literature who train
up these youngsters in the way in which they should not go-a way
from which as they grow older they cannot, even if they would, depart,
because of the jail-stain ?
ARTEMUS WAR n, I am glad to see, is coming out at last. His
"Show," which is entitled "AsRTEMTa WAnn among the Mormons, a
trip from New York to Salt Lake City," is to open on the 12th of
this month. I wish him the very best of good luck, for ha de-
serves it.
THE North British Railway Company has set an example which I
hope other lines will not be slow to follow. It has placed boxes at its
stations for the reception of newspapers, periodicals, and books, which
travellers may feel inclined to bestow upon hospital patients. Tho
dreariness of any sick room is bad enough, but that of a hospital ward
is terribly monotonous and hard to bear, and those who thus contri-
bute to relieve the weariness of the poor patients will, beyond a doubt,
contribute, in so doing, to their recovery. The railways are in duty
bound to do thus much for the hospitals to which they send so many
patients every year I


THE ROMAUNT OF THE CREST OF GOLD.

y I G I T brave, a knight came
/ pricking forth
S1 In silver armour drest,
And he looked south and lie
And shook his golden
Crest:
S11 I 7 A golden lion gaily ramped
Upon that gallant's helm,
iHow oft his foemen's iago it
dampod,
--W-v-hen threatening to o'er-
whelm!

4'/\, w, lHe placed a bugle to his
mouth
I'jl rAnd blew a mighty blast,
And first to north and then to
; south
) t r% His glance around he cast.
And when he saw no person
.. -,, there
He looked to east and west,
.o. _.-x, To see if any foe should dare
_-- To spurn his golden crest.
And, lo! a single horseman rode
Across the sandy plain.
So, o ice again his horn he blov ed -
lie blowed it once again.
'And fast and fain that distant wight
Across the plain he prest,
And shouted, Stay, thou craven knigl t,
That wear'st.the golden crest! "


"Now, who art thou ?" the knight replied,
That tallest me to stay !
For by the falclhion by my side
I wot thou'lt re the day "
"Not so, sir 1:night-thou art gainsayed "
Cried lie of dlauntless breast;
"Tay-gath'rer arm I!--you ain't paid
For using that there crest! "

"UNsATISFACrohY DIPrLOMACY.-No-go-tiationIs.
Signed,


R~as'aa


VOL. IV. .








FUN.


[NOVEMBER 10, 1866.


AN ESCAPE-ADE.
Belated Beveller:-" TELLYER-WOT, CABBY'! IF
PARCER-(hic)-TAILE Y'R NUMB' "


YE DON'T DRe' HANs'M


OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
THE approach of the gift-laden Christmas time already makes
itself felt-our library table begins to groan beneath brightly bound
and gaily got-up books. We must clear them off by instalments as
quickly as we may, knowing well that our readers are waiting for our
impartial and candid opinion on the books that await them this
season.
Juniores priores at Christmas, so we'll peep at little Lays for Little
Folk (ROUTLEDGE & SONS) ; a selection of verse for the juveniles. Ad-
mirably turned out, with illustrations-those of MR. SMALL especially-
that are truly charming. The printing is CLAY's best, the paper and
type of the finest. The selection-well! we miss one or two old
favourites, and could spare one or two we don't miss:-and then
editors, for their own sakes, should refrain from including their own
writings in selections, even at the especial request of the projectors."
To a typographical eye, too, the variations in the size of the type-
e.g., pages 93 and 94-will jar a bit. These objections are, however,
minor ones as far as our young friends are concerned. We must be
critical, but they will be delighted. Not less will they be pleased
with Histories of Joseph and of Moses; two admirable picture-books,
colour-printed in the LEIGHTONs' best style-with covers which
alone are worth the price-and issued by the same publishers, who
also give us ROUTLE GE'S Every Boy's Annual, which is one of the best
publications for boys that we know. It is well illustrated, well printed,
and contains just the style of things to interest boys. It is so good,
that we feel we ought to point out where it is susceptible of improve-
ment. "What book shall we give our boys ?" is a most important
question, for the influence reading exerts over young minds is great,
and those who cater for our lads have no easy task. We would,
therefore, venture to point out where the editor might have improved
his work. Barford Bridge," for instance, is an excellent story as a
picture of school-life, but the REV. H. C. ADAMS has injured it, from an
artistic point of view, for the sake of dragging in a moral, which, false
or true (and that's an open question), would be fairly addressed to
schoolmasters, but is not quite the thing to present to schoolboys, for


THALIA'S FLOWER GARDEN.

No. 13.-PALMAM FERAT.
THOUGn wild Caledonia's wealth has been squandered
To prove by your face to what land you belong,
By the green banks of Shannon you oft must have
wandered,
And played in the fields of the Island of Song.
Oh! Eily Mavourneen, you surely remember
The desperate header Na Coppaleen took;
And how, from the first of the year to December,
No creature the pleasant Adelphi forsook.
'Twas the same when you took for your home the
Princess's,
Together with Shaun and his blarney, the rogue,
When you freed him from prison and all his distresses
And earn'd your sweet title of Arrah-na-Pogue I
Bright Scotland may fairly be proud of such daughters,
But though she may weep that her birdie has flown,
We may make up our minds that the isle in the waters
Will claim Mas. BOUCICAvLT'S fame as its own.

No. 14.-IN MEMORIAL.
Ir someone said you were the rage,
And had returned to us to-day,
And I went off to see the play,
And saw you standing on the stage,
And if about you I could see
Your golden hair in masses twine,
The same rich hair that used to shine,
And you the same you used to be,
And I should tell you we were sad,
And say that you could ill be spared,
And very ill the public fared,
And you imagine we were mad,
In all sincerity I'd say,
Despite a clever sister's fame,
'Tis true that ELLEN TERBY's name
Suggests a flower for our bouquet.


the sake of discipline. Mn. ADAMS spoils the character of a fine
schoolboy, and shows a good schoolmaster to disadvantage, by intro-
ducing an impossibly perfect clergyman of the parish in order to prove
that pastors are better than masters. The question may be interesting
to parents, guardians, and school-trustees, but we doubt the advisability
of discussing it coram populo juvenili, as subversive of authority.
While we are fault-finding we would indicate other minor points
which need sterner supervision. For instance, we'll take LIEUTENANT
Low's article on the White Shark. When that writer talks of "a
great variety of species or genera" as if they were the same thing,
he is wrong in his science. When he says the White Shark is a
confirmed man-eater, like the Bengal tiger," he is wrong in his natural
history; the Bengal tiger, like any other tiger, only takes to man-
eating when he is so old or so ill that he cannot capture more cunnirg
and swift prey. And, finally, when he says, "the page on which is
printed theso lines," he is wrong in his grammar. With a trifle more
care in this respect the book would be faultless. As it is, it is one of
the best books for boys that we have met with. Quotations from Shak-
speare (ROUTLEDGE) is carefully compiled. We have tested it with
one or two out-of-the-way bits, and it comes out of the ordeal with
triumph. It is tastefully got-up, with the clearest of old-faced type,
and the best of printing, not to mention the neat style of its binding.
Altogether a book of sterling value.
We are indebted-and by the we it is our wish to designate the
British public, and not only ourselves editorially-to MESSRS. WARne
& Co. for Two Hundred Sketches, Humorous and Grotesque, by GUSTAVE
Donli. No one who enjoys a laugh at genuine fun and drollery of the
most whimsical character should fail to buy this book. It is one con-
tinuous guffaw from beginning to end, letter-press and cuts alike
combining to tickle the risible faculties. Life in a little provincial
town," "Consequences of the Exhibition of '62," and "The future
of the French people," are all screaming fun. DORE has been long
admired as an artist of great power, but he runs a risk of being
loved now as a caricaturist. English folks delight in caricature,
and there is not much of it to be had nowadays, worse luck!









FUN.


A JAUNTY REPLY.
Tourist:-"IHi! DtIVEn.! Wo! YOU'LL MAKE HIM RUN AWAY !"
Hibernian :-" OH BEGOR, YE NEEDN'T BE AFEARD O' THAT, yER HONOR, HE'S A


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(Answer in our next.)
TlnE writers of sensation novels come,
To win fresh laurels in the drama's home;
There's none more welcome than the man who told
Of Fosco's dodges in the days of old;
And so we greet his drama in the place,
Where WIGAN meets us with familiar face.

1.
Sprung from an ancient Spanish race,
With wit and an expressive face,
Among all operatic prancers,
Men reckoned her the best of dancers.
2.
No smoother greensward we can name,
Where strong men play a noble game,
And sometimes e'en the halt and lame,
Through summer days,
With many athletes known to fame,
Win endless praise.
3.
MACAULAY wrote them, here we use
The singular, and not the plural.
And how the name we much abuse,
And end them oft with Tooral-looral !"
4.
In Rome's anelent days of splendour,
When her children gathered strong,
With no thought of base surrender,
As they marched with warlike song.


RA'AL 80JEB, AND


O'er them as barbar
High the sacred stan

We know each comi
Will he well filled w
T? t hldA 4 k1- *l


NOVEMBwR 10, 1866.]


.JI1T UIJIUc ren a e eli LUmos e g111430 u
In small weird dancers, clown, and sprite.
6.
A singer that ADDISON wrote of, who played
With a lion in opera, cunningly made.
7.
A hard white coat that keeps the eye
From dangers coming near,
Before it gets too hard and dry,
'Tis wetted with a tear.


ANSWnR To LAST WEEK's AcROSTIC.
T Tanjou U
Rl Ramadan N
A Amalfi I
D Domino 0
E Endymion N


Answers to Acrostic in No. 77, received up to Friday last.-Correct :-T. T. D.;
A. B. 2; B.E.; T. W. B.; J. W., Notting-hill; E. H. B; Audrey; N. S.; The Rev.
W. B.; J. C. P.; J. J.; Mignonette.
BOSSOU.SSXANX will see that three of his solutions being wrong, his objections,
with one exception, fall to the ground. The last one is not unreasonable
perhaps.
A. B., No. 2.-Ask any schoolboy, and read the newspapers.
J. MAcnoAR (and a host of others) must be good enough to understand that we
cannot accept a solution as correct which only gives the two chief words without
the intermediate ones.


89











--:_. '- _-
: '1' !





























UD SOONER DIE TITAN RUN!


inns know,
idard flew.
6. |
ng Pantomime
ith puns and rhyme,
li ', 'ht'6









FUN.


BALLAD
Just rapped out at a Seance, near Westminster,
by a Spirit, initials G. F.
W r.N foolish squibs and fiery darts,
Their tales of FAWXES shall tell,
In language whose sole sense imparts,
That powder still will smell;
There may in such a silly scene,
Some useless" memory be,
Of days when I was very green,
Yet don't November me-
Pray don't November me.

When fog throughout the streets at night,
Shall pain your tender eyes,
And you must have a borrowed light
To see the ugly Guys;
When hollow cads shall wear a mask,
And shout in hideous glee,
Think then of my unlucky task,
And don't November me-
Oh! don't November me!



A SERENADE.
BENZATH my darling's lattice
I touch my light guitar,
And hymn her while the cat is
My echo from afar.
But hark, how, softly stealing,
From yonder window creeps
A long deep sound, revealing
She sleeps-my lady sleeps I


[NOVEMBER 10, 1866.


0-




ii! ,/;~. 71


OBLIGING, VERY!
Fond Parent:-" UGH, YE AGOnrWATI' ,CHILD! I'LL CALL THE BIG UGLY MAN TO
TOU, AND- "
Nautical Party :-" Shall I cnucK 'IM INTO THE WATER FOR YE, MUM?"


SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
BELGRAVIA.
MvY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,-The racing season is over At a former
period of my career such intelligence would have blighted my young
hopes, and plunged me into an impecunious ocean of casual postage-
stamps, picked up from the innocent, the childish, the linendrapery,
and the good. Formerly the end of festivity upon the British Turf
w!,;'likewise, with NICHOLAS, the end of having anything to eat, ex-
cepting what might be attained promiscuously from private charity,
such as a bullock's heart or tripe, than which I am sure anything
more nourishing, though a little low.
Thanks to my own industry and acuteness, NICHOLAS have now
attained a pinnacle from which he is not merely sure of his daily
bread, but, if I liked to do so, might cover it with treacle as thick as
a paving-stone. The worst of it is, my dear young Friend, that indi-
gesti.n have marked me for her own. In the hours of penury my
appetite was excellent; whilst now the Prophet feels quite squeamish
after breakfast, though he may only have had a few eggs, some ham,
rolls, a chip or two, kidneys and a little marmalade spread out upon
toast, and etcetera.
Before, Mr. Editor, we treat the racing season of 1866 as entirely a
thing of the past, you will perchance allow me the privilege of a brief
interrogatory explanation.
Subscribers all, during the mad and confused intermingling of
prophetical opinions naming of at least a dozen horses, was there any
one who restricted his selection for the Cambridgeshire to Three ?
SuBScniBmtS.-Yes, there was! One-only one! Methinks 'twas
gentle NICHOLAS.
GENTLE NICHOLAS.-Oh, you only think so, dost ye ?
SunsciiBERs.-Now, look here, old man. We are very well aware
as it was thou. Let us unite our voices. What did the Prophet
prophesy ?
SUBSCRIBERS. 1
GENTLE NICHOLAS. J (uniting their voices).-Actoea.
POSTERITY.-And so I found it on referring to the Number.
*
A truce to poesy. Let us return to the non-avoidabilities of daily
life.
Sir, I am a Conservative; I have been *so ever since I was able to
look down upon my fellow-man from a pinnacle of pecuniary superiority.
But, my dear young Friend, with reference to the manuscript of my


" History of Knurr and Spell," do you not think, Sir, as it it is quite
possible the new Postmaster-General and his staff may have been just
a little on the loose ? that, in point. of fact, they may have rather
mislaid the manuscript in general than delivered it at your office in
particular ? My position is one of no ordinary difficulty nor yet em-
barrassment. If I had only written you a little skit, like some of the
Laureate's recent productions, or young Ma. SWINBOURNE, than whom
I am sure he never ought to have been quite so. candid, though a little
gay, why, I could do such again. The History, however, involves the
research and the miscellaneous, reading of a lifetime, from penny
papers up to getting a ticket for the British Museum; there are re-
ferences and quotations in that book for which the originals have very
probably been cut up and destroyed; and here am I, Sir, a sort of
sportive BUCKLE or an athletic GROTE, as will possibly go down to his
grave, "unwept, unhonoured, and unstrung !" Be it so; only I warn
you again as I will bring an action against the Proprietor.
In a week or two your Prophet will give you his review of the
racing season of 1866 ; than which, what with having prophesied the
winners of the Derby, St. Leger, and Cambridgeshire, not to mention
minor events, I am sure none more satisfactory. There were many
good sort of people who used formerly to read NICHOLAS as though he
were merely a great comic humourist without attaching much faith to
his positive predictions. 1866 I hope has cured them of this error. I
am a great comic humourist; no one knows it better than myself ; but
I am also, contradict me if you can,
THE MOST SucCESSFUL PROPHET OF THE YEAR.
One word, Sir, on a topic in which you have kindly taken the utmost
interest. Bless you, my dear young Friend, and be good enough to
print (the publisher said it ought to be put as an advertisement and
paid for, but never you mind him 1) the following list of subscribers to
THE NICHOLAS TESTIMONIAL.
Amount already acknowledged.. .. 15 8 46
THa O'DONOGHUE .. .. .. 1 0 0
MR. POPE HENNESSET .. .. .. 1 0 0
The People of Ireland .. .. .. 2 0 0
The Irish People .. .. .. 2 0 0
Rara Avis (bless her ) .. .. .. 0 0 2

21 8 7J
NICHOLAS.
P. S. 2.-Nothing more.








































SIR W. M*NSFFLD IN HIS UNPOPULAR ENTERTAINMENT,
"THE SIMLA COURT-MARTIAL."
" The remarkable part of his performance is the rapidity with -which he assumes the various characters-judge, counsel, -witnss, executioner, etc."-V-de Daily Tress.







U U N.--NOVEMBER 10, 18G6.


/

)

K <
'N









'I,


p 3 1


/ 11
'4~ '~


I-

























N ~ ~ k


A BRIGHT PROSPECT; OR, WHAT IT MAY COME TO!
"The House of Peers has become too much a refuge for worn-out members of the House of Commons."
Mr. Bright on the British Constitution.


A'
/~NI
~I p








NOVEMBEi 10, 1866.]


FU N.


MRS. BROWN AT A MOCK AUCTION.
I wAs a-walkin' along, not a-thinkin' of nothing' but the dirt as was
downright filthy, for I'd been to the Bank for to receive a trifle, and
wanted to walk as far as St. Paul's through havin' heardd as there was
wonderful cheap silks to be had close by there, not as I Oldss with
cheap silks, as is 'arf cotton, and will cockle up in a shower and spot
with the least thing, and I'm sure the one as MRS. IvoRY bought, as
lived at the corner of the square, though it certainly looked beautiful
in the winder through that plate-glass, were shameful, and when the
dressing' was olt of it 'ung like a rag, as is gummed-up rubbish; but
whatever can any one expect for a guinea and a 'arf. But as to the
black welwet mantle as was in that winder, it looked splendid for two
pounds ten, with a blue bloom on it and fitted 'er like wax, though not
a good bigger through begin' all shoulders and a round back, but no
more the same mantle as she tried on when we come to open the
parcel at 'ome than I'm the Lord Mayor. Oh, I'd 'ave 'ad the law
on the wagabones only she didn't dare to through havingg told IvORY
as she 'adn't a penny piece in the world, and got two sovereigns out of
'im as ain't by no means well off, and 'er all the time with five pounds
by'cr as she'd saved out of the 'ouse-keepin' money, as was to 'er
credit, but not to keep dark from 'er husband as is a steady man and
not one to spend a shillin' away from 'is 'ome.
Well, I was a-walkin' along and I see a place as was crowded with
things, there was silver tea-services and lookin'-glasses, with French
clocks and lovely things all over the place. As I was a-stoppin' to
look, a party says to me, Stepin, mum, the sale's just a-goin' to com-
mence." I says, "-Vhat sale?" "Oh," he says, "the bankrupt
stock of one of the first establishments in the City, as 'as been ruined
in the panic; things," he sayo, will be given away, and it's 'ard on
us." I says, 'Ard on you, howeverr do you mean I" "Why," he
says, "there's over five hundredd on us thrown out of bread." I says,
"You don't say so." "Yes," he eays, anud many with large families.
I've seven myself." I says, 1"Yot must 'ave settled early for to 'ave
so many at your age," as didn't look thirty.
Ah," he says, "they always seem to come where there is least for
'em." I says, You don't look as if you'd stinted yourself much,"
for he was a dressy young feller, in a welwet waistcoat and gold chain,
and a fancy shirt and his 'air curled. "Oh," he says, "I'm obliged to
keep up a respectable appearance." I says, "In course, and there's
many a beating' 'art under a fancy shirt front and a 'eavy 'ead with a
glossy 'at on," for I never did see such a 'at for shinin' as 'isn. I
didn't think much of the furniture as I see about the place, but there
was lovely picters there, partickler one as 'ad a church in it with a
real clock in that church, and a water-mill as turned. It was a lovely
picter, and there was some beauties only black and white as 'ad glass
oyer 'em for fear as they should get smudged, as I think must 'ave
been done in black lead. A good many come in as was mostly men,
and one on 'em got up in a desk and then they begun selling' the
things.
I never did see a more lovelier tea-tray as went at first dirt cheap,
as I bid for; but another party claimed it and was that bent on havingg
it as he run it up to thirty-five shillin's in no time, so I let him 'ave it,
though it would 'ave gone werry nice with my green tea set. I
bought a lovely lot of wax fruits under a glass as looked for all the
world as if you could eat 'em, as couldn't be dear at fifteen shillin's,
but then come cigars as I didn't want, and a handsomee carpet as I
should liked to 'ave 'ad for the down-stairs room, only eight pounds
was more than I wanted to give. Then come the silver as was fit for
a lord's house with a silver kittle and all, on a silver tray. In course
I didn't think of that, but it was werry cheap, and so was a set of
dessert knives and forks as I got for one pound twelve, in a box, as a
party wanted to get away from me, but that auctioneer he stood my
friend and so I got 'em, and then I went in for a silver tea-pot, sugar
bason, and milk jug, as they put in a lot for me, through not a-wantin'
the coffeepot, as is a thing I seldom nor never 'as. They knocked the
lot down to me for three pound twelve.
"Well," says the young man as I see fust at the door, "you 'ave
got a barg'in." While he was a-talkin', up comes another, and says
to me, "I'll give you five pound for the lot." "Not so green," says I.
Well, jest then, in comes a party, and says, "It's downright robbery
to sell any one's property like that. Who's got it ?" Says the young
man to me, "If you take my advice, you'll go on the quiet." I says,
"Why ever should I? I've bought the things 'onest and fair, and am
ready to pay for 'em," and out I pulls the money, as come to pretty
near six pounds ten, with the duty, as they said I must pay. So I
tells one of the men to get me a cab as I give twopence to, and off I
goes, and the cab give that jerk in starting' as throw'd me forward slap
on to the wax fruits, as was shivered to atoms in a instant. When I
got the things 'ome they looked beautiful on the sideboard, all glittery
like, for I put 'emi out for BROWN to see; but whatever does he say as
soon as he sees 'em but, "Where did you pick up that rubbish P" It
give me such a turn to 'ear 'im speak like that. So I says, "What
are you callin' rubbish?" "Why," he says, "this gimcrack stuff,"


I says, "It's real 'lectrified silver." He says, "You're 'lectrified.
Why it's pewter done over with some preparation as'll look like lead in
a day or two." And then he takes 'old of one of them dessert knives
as he pulls slap out of the 'andle.
I says, "BRowN', are you mad ?" "No," he says; "but you must
be, to buy such things. Where did you get 'em F" So I told 'im;
and hve been done at a mock auction." I says, 'Ave
I P We shall see." But, law bless you, he was right; them things
went that dead by the end of the week as nothing wouldn't polish up,
though I tried with some leathers as I'd bought at the door. And the
knives and forks waswas all to bits. But I wasn't to be done like that,
and so up I goes to town the next fine day carter, and I takes 'em with
me, but there wasn't none of them same parties there. So I says to a
man as were standing' at the door, as I wanted to see the proprietor.
He says, "What do you want P" "Why," I says, "my money back
for this rubbish as you sold me last Tuesday week." He says, I
never sold 'em you." I says, "Some of your lot did; and if I don't
get back my money to the Lord Mayor I goes." The fellow says,
"Go to the Lord Mayor-I never see you, nor the goods neither, before
in my life."
Well, I looks round, but didn't see any one any one as I see afor, and I
spoke to a policeman, as told me I'd better go to the Mansion House
and lodge a complaint; and I says to him, "I will," and off I goes.
In course, the Mansion House is very grand, as it did ought to be,
through 'im bein' the King of the City, as the saying' is; but I'm sure
I don't think much of the room as lie sits in, as is worry stifloy and 'ot.
I 'ad to wait ever so long, and then a party asked me what I wanted.
"Well," I says, "justice is what I wants, again them as 'as took me in
shameful." I says, Are you a judge of silver?" and out I pulls the
teapot, as I'd got in.a blue bag. "Bless the woman," says the man,
"we don't want anything of that sort here." I says, "P'raps not;
nor more do I elsewhere, as is downright rubbish, and a dead robbery."
"Oh," says the party, "if it's robbers his lordship will attend to you
in a minute." Well, I waited on while the Lord Mayor was a-talkin'
to the other gentlemen as was a-settin' by 'im about where they was
a-goin' to dine. Well, in course, I didn't take and interrupt, but
waited till the party as 'ad spoke to me began a-talkin' to the Lord
Mayor, as said, "Well, my good woman, what can I do for you ?"
I says, "A good deal; get me back my money." Says the Lord
Mayor, "Was it burglary?" I says, "I should say it were." "'Where
do you live?" asked a party. "South Lambeth," says I. "Not in
my jurisdiction," says the Lord Mayor. Goto Lambeth." "Yes," I
says, "so I shall when I've got my rights." So I jest tells the Lord
Mayor 'ow I'd been served. He says, "Really, I'm surprised that a
woman of your sense could be took in like that." I says, "Took in
I wasn't, for I walked in of my own accord; but the things looked
lovely." "Why, consider the price," says the Lord Mayor. "Well,"
I says, "that's nothing for everything is come down in price ; for well
I remembers the time when everything cost double and treble."
"Well," says the Lord Mayor, "I'll grant you a summons if you like.
What's the name ?" I says, "Bless you, I don't know; it's the left-
'and side a-goin' towards St. Paul's, as any time as you're a-walkin'
that way you may see it." So a policeman, as was called in, he
knowed all about it. "But," he says, "they're always a-changin'
there. Can you swear to any of the parties?" "Yes," I says, "any-
wheres." "Then," says the Lord Mayor, "you'd better go with the
policeman." As I did according' ; but, bless you, it wasn't no joke
a-carryin' them things in that bag, as kep' a-bumpin' down on the
pavement every instant.
When I got to the shop they denied all knowledge on me. I says,
"Do you mean to say as these things didn't come out of this shop ?"
and out I pulls the teapot; but, law, it was that battered as I didn't
'ardly know it myself; and so was the sugar-bason. Says the man,
"What 'ave you been a-cleanin' of them with ?" I says, "Only wash-
leather, as turned as black as a coal with rubbin' 'em." "Oh," lio
says, "you've been usin' sweatin' leathers as 'as took all the silver off."
He says, "I never sold you the goods; but," he says, "it's clear as
you spoiled and knocked 'em about yourself." So the policeman lie
seemed to think as I hadn't better trouble the Lord Mayor no more.
And it's my opinion as they're all in a gang in that City; a-sellin' one
another, as the sayin' is, all day. So I thought as I'd better put up
with the loss, and say no more about it; and wouldn't mind so much
if BnowN wasn't that aggravatin', a-sayin', "'Adn't you better 'avo
your best silver service out to night ?" and a-askin' constant for them
dessert knives and forks, as it serves me right as they should be
rubbish, for they ain't things as I really wanted, only through thinking'
as I'd be a bit of a swell, as is a rock as many as split upon, as the
sayin' is.

Sage Remark.
"WELL may they call it coolie labour," said ME. DODDER, as he
watched the blacks unloading the steamer at "Well may they
call it coolie labour, for it makes me quite hot to look at 'em!"








96 FUN.


[NOVEMBER 10, 1866.


-, -JIM




A- I


_Z _s~ iI


THE RANK AND THE DIGNITY.
Hansom (to Growler):-" COME, I SAY! Now, do li LOOK LIKE A FOU-WHEELER?"


FROM OUR STALL.

HE heroine of MR.
WILKIE COLLINS'
Frozen Deep falls,
occasionally, into
trances. She is
favoured, in one of these
visitations, with a very
fair view ef the Aurora
borealis-a phenomenon
which most of us have
only been able to read
about in books. This
lady has two adorers;
Number One sherejects,
after accepting him as
nearly as possible; and
Number Two she accepts
because he is on the
brink of joining an
Arctio expedition, from
which he is not likely to
return. The rejected,
being engaged in the
very same expedition,
meets the accepted in
4the neighbourhood of
S the North Pole, and
thinks rather seriously
about shooting him.
The apparition of the
Northern Lights, however, startles him out of this design. Who on
earth could murder a man while the sky and the icebergs were blush-
ing at the lotion ? So Number One, instead of killing his companion,


saves him from shipwreck, and restores him to the arms of his
affianced, whom they meet casually on the coast of Newfoundland.
Such an exertion of generosity proves too much for poor Number One,
and so he dies-very slowly, and very hard; while Number Two, at
the fall of the curtain, seems in a fair way to follow his example. We
presume, though, that the author intends him to go on living, and get
married.
The piece is a gloomy and painful one. MR. COLLINS has made a
fatal mistake in his attempts to relieve it through his low-comedy
character. The repulsive story about sea-sickness, told in the second
act, was nasty enough to make one seriously ill. The preparation for
making soup was not in much purer taste. Throughout the play, in
short, the humour struck us as being of a very grim and ghastly kind.
MzEsns. NEVILLE, WIGAN, MONTAGE, and MURRAY exerted them-
selves manfully, but they were not well-fitted. Among the ladies,
Miss LYDIA FooTE was the only one who had anything to do; she
played with great earnestness and expression, giving the abstracted
and spiritual side of her character with much effect. The scenery is
admirable; and the entire mounting of the drama deserves high
praise: but the tone of it, we fancy, is too sombre to please the many.
On the first night, at all events, there were strong signs of disappro-
bation.
Astley's is open under a new management. A second-hand play and
an old extravaganza can hardly be called attractive fare. MR. NATION
must give us novelties if he expects us to cross Westminster-bridge in
such weather as the present. His company, too, is open to improve-
ment; the Golden Dustman was infinitely better acted at Sadler's
Wells than here.


Gay De Sevres.
THEY were gay desavers it seems who flattered the Irish that they
could make high-class pottery in the Green Isle. The project has
fallen to the ground. Strange that in Ireland they couldn't succeed
in making an Irish Buhl!









MOVEMDEn 10, 1866.]


FUN, 97


.1 -Z




' tb


Exhilarated ilkman :-" LoTS o' WATER AGAIN, ROBERT FOND OF IT, EH?"
.Depressed P. C. :-"NOT SUCH AS WOT'S IN TOUR CANS-WATER BEWITCHED!"
,A 7 7 i -' -' ... _


A Promise to Pay.
THE War Office is going to be a good boy, and promises not to cheat
inventors out of the profits of their inventions any more. An ad-
vertisement, that issues from that department, requesting gunmakers
and others to send in proposals for breech-loading rifles to replace the
present service rifles in future manufacture, concludes with the follow-
ing humiliating paragraph:-
The Secretary of State will take care that no ingenious novelty produced in
answer to this advertisement shall be adopted into the service without proper
acknowledgment, and t -at the name of the individual with whom it originates
shall be recorded in connection with it.
"* If the rifle to which the first prize is awarded is adopted into the service, it
will bear the inventor's name.
J. ST. GEORGE, Major-General, Director of Ordnance."
It seems that before the Secretary of State can hope to receive
tenders from ingenious. inventors, he finds it necessary to assure them
that, on this occasion, no fraud whatever will be employed.
The concluding pledge, that the accepted invention will be known
by the inventor's name seems rather rash. There are such names as
BUGG, COCKLETOP, and BOGoY to be found in the London .Directory--
cum multis aliis, which it were tedious, now, to write down.

The Archbishop at Inverness.
HERE is a lovely slip, in the leader on the Archbishop of Canterbury,
which appeared in the Times of the 23rd October. Referring to the
consecration of the cathedral at Inverness by the Aichbishop, the
writer indulges us with the following paragraph:-
"The occurrence, it was said at the banquet, was a thing unprecedented in the
history of Scotland." We have no doubt of it; and icc trust it will always
remain so.
The writer may set his mind at rest on this point. If it is unpre-
cedented now, there is no doubt but that it will remain so to the end
of time.


angllto z to 0omrsponb1 Ms.

C., Bromley.-We dinna ken.
H. R. D., Pentonville.-Not exactly suitable, so it wouldn't suit to
close with your joke about the suit o' clothes.
OxONIENSIs.-Thanks. Our attention has already been drawn to the
theft.
J. H. D., Darlington.-We cannot depart from our rule, viz.-not to
return MSS. of which the writers think so little that they do not enclose a
stamp for retransmission.
H. S. B. would have past had his verses been more presentable. He
should have been more generous of rhymes.
G. F. F. B., Brighton, is reminded that Exeter, is not a county!
PEN. has much to learn yet in drawing to judge from the specimen.
G. G., Maida-vale.-An idea without a skelch would do far better than
the many sketches without an idea that we receive.
J. N. B., Windsor.-CJever and comic, but not quite suitable.
A. C. S., Brighton.-The "Alphabet" might be alpha-better.
W. A., Camden-town, has, in his lines on the wet weather, not given
Pegasus sufficient rain.
AN OLD Burra t's letter is not (to quote his own words) "a very useful
invention and of considerable utility."
KYRLIE Lox is thanked, but our acrostic department is well supplied.
Numerous oarrespondents are requested to accept this intimation.
Declined with thanks-" Kerl"; R. C. H., Bayswater; M. A. G.;
G. W., Kingston; M. R. P.; L. J. L., Southampton; "A Constant
Reader and Admirer;" M. S.; Montaigne; W. J. F., Johnstone; M. T.
Head; J. J. T., Preston; F. S.; A Volunteer; X. L., Merton; Photo-
Hartist; C. N., Strand; Y. L.; W. It., Clapham; S. F. C. 0.; E. E.,
Gipsy-hill; Chuppil, Liverpool; J. T. ; A Bloated Aristocrat; II. J.,
Belgrave-street; A. L. M., City of London; W. T.; A. B, Ealing; M. C.,
Cheltenham; E. A. J., Glasgow; H. A., Lewisham-road: J. E. G.,
Birmingham; H. J. P.; M. F. C., New Cross; G. C.; A Sec.; T. C.,
Union-road, Borough; F. R., Edinburgh; "His Bob"; A. M. W.;
Arthur; A. J. .. Belfast; C. C., Penrith; C. A. D., Pimlico; Colney
Hatch; W. H.; P. Idrac; X. Y. Z.; Pusillanimous; E. L.; Alpaca.








FUN.


[NOVEMBER 10, 1866. "


I rEMEMIEMran-I remember-
As my boyhood fleeted by,
That the fifth of each November
Brought the ever-welcome Guyr.
And I knew that, rather later,
Was another GUY in store;
And the second Guy was greater
Than the one we had before.
How distinctly I remember,
When my life was in its prime-
That the ninth of dull November
Was a jolly sort of time !


All the people-all the people-
Gave a long and lusty cheer;
While the bells in every steeple
Sounded beautiful to hear.
Then I recollect how proudly,
The procession floated by;
All the bands were playing loudly,
And the banners Iissed the sky.
How distinctly I remember,
While my life was in its prime-
That the ninth of dark November
Was a happy, happy time.


I was merry-I .was merry-
When I went with MAIRY JANE ;
(A discreet young woman-very-
And immoderately plain.)
Then her bony fingers tightened
Like a vice about my hand ;
For the pushing made her frightened
As we struggled up the Strand.
How distinctly I remember,
When my life was in its prime,
That the ninth of dull November
Was a fascinating time !


Oh! I never-no, I never-
Saw so marvellous a show.
I am sorry that I ever
Should have come to think it slow.
I've discovered-more's the pity-
('Midst a lot of other things)
That the monarch of the City
Is but flesh like other kings.
Yet I perfectly remember-
When my life was in its prime-
That the ninth of chill November
Was to me a pleasant time.


LORD MAYOR'S DAY.









NOVLEMBER 17, 1866.]


FUN.


"WHAT IS FUN TO YOU, ETC."
DEDICATED TO MR. FR*NK B*CKL*ND.
The pleasures of editing a comic paper in an office situated under that of an
amphibious journal devoted to -Practical Natural History,!


PLAY.
Br Ax UNSUCCESSFUL DRAMATIST.
"THE play-ah, yes, the play's the thing! "
I used to fancy as a boy.
Alas, what changes years will bring!
How soon the dearest pleasures cloy !
For I entirely since that day
Have changed my views regarding play.
I used to play at cricket then,
And as a batsman gained some note,
Till a round-hander stopped me-when
It knocked six grinders down my throat:
Well, you'll admit opinions may
Be modified, by that, on play!
At Baden, Wiesbaden, and Ems,
I next with fickle fortune played.
Well, gambling every one condemns-
And practises! I was betrayed,
Lost all I had, and had to pay,
Which weakened my regard for play.
I wrote a play! Yes, that came next -
A five-act Drama, be it said:
Then all the managers I vexed,
And all returned it me, unread-
With such rebuffs I well might say
That I was rather sick of play.
The worst's to come One read my plot-
Accepted it in terms profuse !
'Twas played! When-horror, name it not!-
The audience played the game of goose."
So, though I live till I grow grey,
I'll have no more to do with play!

The Freedom of the Press is Mitey I
A NEWv daily journal, price one-fifth of a penny, is
being published in Vienna. It is a Government organ,
well printed on good paper, and consisting of eight pages
quarto. The Austrian Government has evidently a very
modest belief in the popularity of its opinions, for it
would seem to admit that the public will not give more
than the fraction of a farthing for them!


POETS AND REVIEWERS.
Ma. ALGERNON SwiuBunwn's reply to his reviewers will do him
very little good, if any. We will admit that his prose is even finer
than his verse; and this is admitting a great deal. Beyond the beauty
of his language we can see nothing to praise in Ms. SWINBURNE'S
pamphlet. He repeatedly asserts that it is not written in vindication
of his last-published poems; yet the attempt at vindication seems its
only object. The ambition of our young poet has been to translate
into a baser and later language the divine words "'--of whom ? "The
imperishable and incomparable verses of that supreme poet," SAPPRO !
The ambition is a poor one for a genius like MR. SWINBURNE'S.
We notice, en peasant, that our author is a little severe on MESSRs.
MToxoN and Co., for transferring the responsibility of his works. A
footnote, which alludes to the blasphemy of SHELLEY'S Queen Jlab,
concludes thus: The poem which contains the words above quoted
continues, at this day, to bring credit and profit to its publishers-
MIEBss. AMOXON and Co." The paragraph might surely have come to
an end at the word publishers."
Mn. SWINBURNE takes upon himself to explain two or three of his
most indecent poems. The language in which he does this is a little
more indecent, perhaps, than the poems themselves. He also expresses
himself disgusted with reviewers because they receive solid money for
honest work. "Ihave never worked for praise or pay," writes our
pamphleteer. So much the better for his publishers; but he himself
is none the more virtuous for being in independent circumstances.
We, ourselves, are in the habit of writing poetry for poetry's sake;
but we receive money for the publishing of it.
MB. SWINBURNE wishes to write for men, he says, and not for
women and children. Good; but his critics are men, and they don't*
like him. He lives in England, and in the second half of the nine-
teenth century; it is a misfortune, and not a fault. Even in our own
time and country there is one place-between St. Clement Danes and


St. Mary-le-Strand-where books for men" are sold with compara-
tive impunity.
Reviewers are no better than pigs, to judge by our pamphleteer's
eight lines of epigram. His logic is not so good as his rhyme. They
are impure, it seems, because they find iim impure; therefore, every
man who accuses another of picking pockets must be himself a pick-
pocket. We are sorry that MR. SWINBURNE should have published
his weakness, and made worse of a bad case.


L'Opinion de ces Gens-la.
HALFRED, what are they a-singing of now?"
"'Ush! It ain't nothing in pertickler. It's only wretched-ateevy."
Well, I thought it wasn't as good as it might be at the price. Ah!
Give me the 'Boemian Gal' for my money!"
What are you talking about? BALrs ain't to be named in the
same day as CHEnuRYBEANY. This 'ere, what we're a sitting' out now
is CHERRYBEANY'S shied-over."
"Well, that's just exactly what I say. Is there much more of it
a-coming ?"
Yes; there's three hacts after this. We ain't got fur on with
the second yet. Can't you keep quiet? Ancore! Beese, beese!
Braw-vee, braw-vee !"
"I say, HALFRED, though! They ain't a-going to 'ave all that
screaming' and squallin' hover again, are they ? I'm a-gettin' so
awful tired. I wish we'd a-gone somewhere else."

Virtue its own Reward.
OuR gallant Volunteers devote themselves so thoroughly to their
duties, that they deserve recognition. It is therefore with pleasure
that we remind those who practise at the butts continually, that
they are going the surest way to make themselves an-aim.


VOL. v. i


99










FUlN.


[NOVEMBER 17, 1866.


BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.

HE Picture Gal-
leries have open-
ed for the Winter
Exhibitions with
f the most startling,
unanimity. Ima-
gine the state of-
limp lassitude in
which the art-
critics were lost
lastSaturdayweek
after five or six
private views!
The Institute, of,.
Painters in Water,
Colour best-

Ntew Water, Col.
our gives. itg
first exhibition, offj
sketches "' this
year. Some or
se the pictures, are
veritable sketches,
but too many
show signs of'
-_ .having been man-
vey' ufactured for the.
occasion. To get
NO an exhibition of
sketches, only, there would have to be a rule laid down that no,
sales shall be effected; for until then, pictures, like PrETAR
PIAnAx's razors, will be "made to sell." The collection is, SP
very large one, and a really excellent one, as far as I could see at the
hasty glance I was enabled to give it. I must go again, and will'
then report further. MaR. WALLIS opens a very extensive exhibition at
the rooms of the Society of British Artists, containing close upon five
hundred pictures. In so large a number one might expect far more
inferior pictures than are to be discovered. Two very fine pictures by
PETTIE are the chief objects of interest-" Hudibras in the Stocks,"
and "At Bay," a cavalier turning upon some five or six Puritan
pursuers with a white, determined face, and a pluck that rather chills
his adversaries. MARcus STONE has a picture here with a very grace-
ful figure of a girl in it; and GoonALL, NICOL, TouRnasn, LESLIE, and
LONG are capitally represented, while the landscapes include works by-
LEADER-most delicious of painters-C. J. LEwis, and- G. COLE.
There is a fine Hoor, too, and some excellent foreign paintings, com-
prising works by TnHO and DE JONGeE. Miss OsaoiN'and MIss
ELLEN EDWARDS represent female art, and do so ably. At MR.
GAMsBAT'S Gallery the collection is smaller, but, on an average, not
better. WALKER has a fine, truthful picture there; and there are
some splendid WATSON'S (most specially Robinson Crusoe). A.
MOORE, correct and original; GOODALL, with a new view of "Hagar
and Ishmael;" HUGHES, less out in drawing than usual, and no less
rich in colour; FAED and PRINSEP, with the least faulty work they
have done for years; CALDERON, always good; MARXS, never better
than in his picture of Olney; TouERIER, HODGSON, LESLIE, ROSSITER
-these are among MaR. GAxsint'S foremost exhibitors. DAvIs,
DILLON, G. SANT, EDWARDS, ANTsONY, PILLEAU, and G. STANnIELD,
have charge of the landscape department, and. acquit themselves
admirably. MADOX BRowNs does not do himself justice; M.Ba MAR-
SHALL CLAXTON might be dispensed with; and as for Mar. KsWSTCB'S.
signboard, it is the most violent development of the carrotyd art-ery
I ever saw! It is quite curiously bad. MR. MACLEAN'S Water
Colour Gallery, and the collection of MR. FLATou, who seems to be
always having "more last words," like MRS. BAXTER, must stand over
for a week, or I shall not be able to do them justice.
THE last sensation is Going on the Stage," a series of articles, by a
lady, which appear in the Fall Mall. It is very inferior to the
"Casual" sensation, and is clumsily done-in fact, I doubt if a woman
really does write the papers, they want tact so! She professes to be a
swell, who, because it wasn't the season for a German watering-place,
and she knew Italy by heart, was driven by want of occupation on the
stage. Bah! The idea is too far-fetched; and, after all, there is
nothing in the experiences, as far as they have gone, to make their
publication at all necessary. When the P. M. G. takes to announcing
this sort of thing in large. type in its bills, the thought strikes me it
wants another casual sensation to stimulate its sluggish circulation.


ALAS! The young salmon at the Horticultural Gardens have
perished untimely Some repairs are reported to have been necessary
in the waterpipes, and when they were completed, Mr. FRANKi BUCK-
L.AND was horrified to find his pets all floating on the top of the tank with
their innocent little silvery stomachs uppermost. I can't help think-
ing the story of the repairs was invented to quiet him, and am inclined
to believe that some of the Boiler people had been meddling. SIR
WENTWORTH and COLa, C.B., who would take command of the
Channel Fleet" at a moment's notice, no doubt think they know all
about pisciculture, and have been trying some experiments. Or is it
possible that thelformer was practising his maiden speech for Parlia-
ment in the neighbourhood of the fish; or did the C.B..read them
.Mumbo Jumbo ? If so, I'm not astonished at the mortality.
THERE is a regular rage for Double Acrostics nowadays, and an
ingenious publishing firm availed themselves of the idea to put forth a
poster in which the name of a Christmas book they were about to
publish was given. The notion was successful, but had a somewhat
unexpected result:-I hear the bill-posters have been inundated with
answers!'
I'm, gdito. see-that MACLAARN, of the Oxford Gymnasium, has pub-
lished, a book.on: Training, in which he deprecates-the present system.
Hassaysibt is from: the. purposes of training to change a man's habits
*suddenly, or to, any. great degree)-especially, in' what affects the
'nfwitou.sayitem; I have several times- drawn attention, to the harm
whithisevere training on the old planhaasdinja nd ili amn-delighted to
findlt such, an., authority is with me. IHe meet&atlw, hackneyed argu-
ment,, "'see, whaib men, trained on thi old i pltm have done!" by the
pertinent remgalt. "'men, who were 6bl-to> stadadi that were able to
stand'anything,"' Ihodpe,. Oxford andtombridge men will read the
book. it which the. system is' exhauatisely-andi almly discussed. If
they-do.butTreadiit they will; I think,,be-iclined', to-follow its reason-
ingrathbe than theoanwholesomerulesoftignorant.trainera whose only
defence ofriteir-system is1that it-is traditional!
I MusmT confess, myself? a. cover& to spiritualism. One of the
strongest argumente.againseit to myrmind waysthat, it answered no
possible'purpose, HAvig.discoveredftiatt does, must own myself
convinced, My.conversaionis due to tie'follbUwnglaragraph which is
going the round of' tahejlpers:-
S"'Mr. Homem.the. spiritualist, has received! a gift, of; 20,o19G.inConsols, from an
togena'riaIlady whom his manifestations ''have pofouvUlyimpre sed."
'If that doesn't mean that Spititualism.,has answered, somebody's
purpose, I don't know what it does mean!

AN OLD BAILEY BALLAD.
THE "Newgate Calendar" has furnished themes for fashionable
novels. We can see no reason why it should not supply drawing-
room songs:-
TO MARY.
THE lark delights in morning skies
And, mounting, carols free.;
.The turtle to its lover hies,.
And coos upon the tree.
Then MARY with.the deep black eyes
I will be bail for thee,
MAR !
I will be bail for thee.
I care not with what crime thou'rt charged,
It matters not to me!
By yonder Statutes, vermeil-marged,
I swear that thou shalt be
On my recognisance enlarged-
Yes, I'll be bail for thee,
MARY !
I will be bail for thee.

What next!
WE have a House for Destitute Dogp--and an excellent institution
it is!-and now we learn there is a Boarding-house for Hogs with
limited incomes. The Wandsworth. Board of Works has proceeded
against the proprietor of the establishment, who takes in pigsat six-
pence a week, board and lodging, at Clapham, but who neglects to
comply with the requirements of the Lodging-house Act, as to cleanli-
ness. We shall have a college for donkeys. next-of course we mean
four-legged ones!

Legal.
War is a lawyer the most ill-used man in our social system P
Because though he may drive his own carriage, he must draw the
conveyances of other people.


100








KOVEMwER 17, 1866.]


FUN.


THE FROZEN DEEP.
ACT I. SCENE 1.-A Country House in .Devonshire.
.Enter Lucy CRATFOID and Mas. STEVENTON.
S. 'Tis now some seventeen years since--
Lucr.-Oh, I beg your pardon.
1Mits. S.-Not at all, go on.
Lucy.-'Tis now some seventeen years since Clara Vernon first met
Lieutenant Crayford. It's a long story-I will tell you all about it.
MRs. S.-No-don't-some other time. 1, also, have a long story to
tell. It takes twenty minutes; but, nevertheless, I will give it to you.
LucY.-Spai e me!
Mis. S.-Never [Tells her a long story that lasts twenty minutes.
Any jumble abuut the Arctic regions, polar bears, and second sight will do.
LucY (awaking).-You astound me! Now let me tell you the story
of the loves of somebody in the Arctic regions-say Lieutenant Frank
Aldersly ?
MRs. S.-Well, it's certainly your turn. (Sighing) Do get on
with it!
LucY.-But soft-Clara is coming ; we will dissemble.
[A door opens of its own accord, and in comes CLARA, frantic.
CLARA (hysterically).-Ha! ha! I have seen him in a dream! I
have seen Lieutenant Frank Aldersly, and he is dying at the hands of
Lieutenant Crayford!
Lucy (meditatively).-In our family we always call Lieutenants by
their naval rank, however intimate we may be with them. But
(rousing herself) no matter!
MCAS S (to Luey).-I will tell you the story of--
CLARA (to MRS. S.).-Oh, I beg your;pardon.
MRs. S.-Pray don't mention it-go on.
CLAIA.-I will tell you the story df 'my engagement to Lieutenant
Frank Aldersly and Lieutenant Crayford. 'Lieutenant Frank has long
loved me-he-told-me so-and'we'were engaged. Then came a person
called Lieutenant Crayford whom I knew but slightly. After telling
me that he was going to fight -the Paynim foe in Central Africa he
informed me that he .should consider himself engaged to me, and'
before I could expostulate he kissed me, and exitted to Central Africa.
LucY (decisively).-That was rude.
CLARA.-It was. He returned from killing the Paynim foe, and
then he claimed me. I-told him that I was engaged. He said, Ha!
ha!" (You know how he stamps when he is excited.) "I will kill
him!" And in furtherance of his determination, he exitted to the
Arctic regions.
LucY.-Humph!
CLAB.A.-YOu are right. Well-Lieutenant Crayford and Lieutenant
Frank are on board the same ship! Ha! I see them now through
my back hair!
Enter a London fog. Then the party-wall at the back opens, and discovers
a room in the next house. A gentleman is lymng on the floor asleep, and
another, n 'the top of a gigantic twelfth cake, is about to shoot him.
Fireworksat the back.
CLaAIA.-Ha! ha! The Frozen Deep! The Frozen Deep!
ACT II.-1ut in the Arctic Regions.
Enter LIEUTENANT CRAYFoInD and LIEUTENANT STEVYENTON.
LIEUT. S.
LIEUT. C. 5 Let me tell you all that has happened since--
LIEUT. C.-Oh, I beg your pardon.
LIEUT. S.-Not at all-go on.
LIE- T. C.-I was going to recapitulate to you all that has happened
since we left England.
LIEUT. S.-So was I.
LIEUT. C. (disappointed).-Oh. Then I suppose I needn't go on ?
LIEUT. S. (dismally).-Oh, do..
LIEUT. C. (cheerfully).-Well, I will.
[Tells him everything that has happened sinee they-left England.
Enter Fnswx ALDE:SLY with the scurvy.
FRANK A.-I have got the scurvy. I have had it for months.
.Enter RICHARD WAn DOUn.
RIoH. W.-Yah! I do not yet know that Frank Aldersly is my
hated rival. But I shall learn it 'ere long.
LIEUT C. (aside to STBVENTON).-He is rough, but he means nothing.
He is the best-hearted fellow in the world. I will tell you a story
about him. 'Tis now some twenty-seven years since-
Enter, providentially, CAPTAIN HELDING. Somebody ,87ovels some snow
over him:at the door.
CAPT. H.-I should be glad to know why :you station a party, in a
white cap, at the door to shovel snow over yeur superior officer when-
ever he comes in or goes out ?


LIEUT. C. (to lFEoAN-asMi).-Richard Wardour's story another
time!
CAPT. H.-We will cast lots to see who shall go away from this, and
who shall stay.
Enter the SHIP's COMPANY. A party in a white cap heaps a shovelfull of
snow on each as he enters. They expostulate.
LIEUT. C.-Now for the dice!
[They cast lots. WAlOnOUn is to stay, but ALDERSLY is to go with the
exploring party. Then exeunt all but WARDOUR. Party in white
cap shovels more snow on to each man as he goes out. This is, perhaps,
a preventive against scurvy.
RiCr. W.-I am incensed-I know not why-and to relieve my
feelings I will break up the hut. Let me begin with Frank Aldersly'd
berth. Yaah! Wow! (Chops up FRANK's berth, which has been
roughly put together with tin tacks. On one of the planks he sees the letters
E. B.) Hah! E. B.! That must stand for Clara Vernon! At
least, she's called Vernon in the bills, though her real name is Burn-
ham. Clara Buruham! (Muses.) Burnham wood! This is young
Aldersly's berth-then he must love Clara; or why did lie cut E. B.
in the plank P He must die!
Enter LIEUTENANT CRAYFORD.
LIEUT. 0.-What's all this P?
RICH. W.-Listen. I will tell you a story. 'Tis now some ninety-
two years since--
LIEUT. C.-No, no. What is the upshot of it P
RICH. W.-The upshot is that Aldersly must die!
LIEUT. C. (wheedlingly).-Oh, don't kill him!
RICH. W.-I must. He has carved E. B. on his berth. That moans
Clara Vernon.
LIEUT. C. (weakly).-Well, I wouldn't kill him for all that.
Tableau.
ACT III.-A Cavern on the coast of Newfoundland.
Enter CLARA and Lucy.
CLARA.-Well, here we are in a cavern in Newfoundland. Why
did we come here ?
Lucy.-Oh, I don't know! And yet I do. I will toll you. You
must know that two hundred and three years ago there lived-
CLARA.-Oh, bother. Suppose we should come across the explorers
from the North Pole! Wouldn't that be a coincidence ?
Lucy.-It would, indeed. Ha! Here they are!
Enter LIEUTENANTS CRAYFORD, STEVBNTON, and OTHER EXPLORERS.
LIEUT. O.-Lucy! You here P Who would have thought of seeing
you? How dedo ?
LucY.-I will tell you how Iam. 'Tis now some-
CLARA.-But my Lieutenant Frank-where is he ?
LIEUT. C.-Ha-a-a-h! Who shall say ? [ Weeps.
CLABA.-Lieutenant Steventon, where is my Lieutenant Frank ?
LIEUT. S.-Ah, me! [ eseps.
CLARA (to a Sailor).-Sailor, whe-re is my Lieuteoant Frank ?
SAILORn.-Belay! [ Weaps.
CLARA.-My gift of second sight, taken in conjunction with your
tears, convinces me that there is something wrong. I will go home
and faint.
tEnter RIOHARD WARDOUR, Vagged and hungry.
RIoG. W.-Ah, give me to eat!
LIEUT. C. (recognizing him).-Riohard Wardour! What have you
done with Lieutenant Frank ? I know-you have eaten him'!
RicH. W.-Ha! Lieutenant Frank ? Wait a bit.
[BExit-then re-enters with the ghost of LIEUTENANT FRANK.
CLARA.-My Lieutenant Frank's ghost I Oh, joy! [Hugs him.
RiCU. W Let me explain-
LIEUT. F.-
RICH. W.--Oh, I beg your pardon.
LIEUT. F.-Don't apologise-proceed.
RIcH. W. (politely).-After you.
LIEUT. F.-Oh, I couldn't think of it!
RICH. W.-Well, then, I didn't kill him; but, on the contrary, I
saved him. I wandered to Newfoundlahd with him, where, by a
curious coincidence, we have all met at the same moment. I was
starving-starving-starving!
LIEUT. C.-But-you are English officers-why didn't you apply to
the British Consul?
RICH. W.-Well, do you know, it's very extraordinary, but that
never occurred to me. To resume. I was starving, and seeing that
you were eating, I came to you, and lo! you turned out to be-start
not!-Lieutenant Crayford!
LIEUT. C. (musing).-Strange!
RICH. W.-But true. And now let the revels commence; and there
won't be a merrier party in any cavern in Newfoundland! And if
our friends in front will- But, ha! 'J his death!
[Dies in excruciating agony.
GExMERAL JOY. CURTAIN.


101









102 F U N. [No [XoVMBrU 17, 1866-















__ ,- ;E*
E N 0 Uri


F L E E T S T REE T office about six times a week on an average. At one time the FUN
SIIoffice used to be besieged daily by the carriages of the whole aristo-
WHEN DOCTOR JoHNsoN-"the Surly Doctor," as the literary duffer cracy, the entire House of Commons, and Society in general, but the
delights to call him-remarked to his friend, Sir, let us take a walk interference with the traffic of the narrow street was so serious that
down Fleet-street," Fleet-street must have been a very different sort Fox, at the entreaty of the Loam MAYOR and a deputation of Alder-
of promenade from what it now is. The .man who would select it for men, has been compelled to insist on his noble and distinguished
a stroll in our day would be a bold man indeed--the kind of man who admirers visiting him on foot.
would bathe in the Mallstrom, or take a light for his cigar from the Time and space-two rather important things in their way-will not
burning crater of Veslivius. Not but what there are many shops admit of our surveying Fleet-street under two interesting aspects-by
whose display of wares might, could, would, should, and, what is more, night, and on Sunday. The extraordinary calm which replaces the
does, attract the passer-by. Is not FUN's own window daily and hourly ordinary bustle in the latter case, and in the former the classic beauty
besieged ? But Fleet-street is no place for idlers: you must notfldner of the noble architecture of the street bathed in the silver light of the
there unless you want an indignant and busy public to hustle you, a moon and peopled by a solitary City policeman are themes on which it
crowd of newsboys to press the daily journals on you, and a City would need columns to enlarge.
policeman to move you on firmly, but respectfully. When DocTor JOHNSox, we repeat, remarked to his friend, Sir,
It is a street of old associations and present stories. It is intimately let us"-but, to quote the words of the author of the drama entitled
connected with the history of past worthies, including Docron R/ying S&cud, "no matter."
JonaXsoN, but it is also connected with the present and the future, as
being the street wherein FuN is published every week. And, by the SHAMELESS EPIGRA M.
way, if the idler shuns it, or should shun it, generally unless he
wishes to be mobbed into unwonted activity, we would specially recom- COM3POSED BY PATERFAMILIAS,
mend him not to try a saunter in it on a Wednesday; for that is FuN's Wh6en recently visiting Flodden with his family.
publishing day, and the chances are he may be crushed flat under a
few hundred reams of that popular paper, borne hastily along to OFT has the squadron's tramp, the trumpet's blast,
supply a craving public. If the idler takes our advice he will quit on And yeomen's shout awaked these silent hills;
that day the Fleet thoroughfare, and seek a more congenial locality- Methins I still htersr echoes of he past,
the Temple, where there are lots of other idlers, and where he can loiter My wife and daughters cry for "beaus and bills."
in the gardens, or look at Goldsmith's tomb.
All the noted men of the day are to be met with in Fleet-street. Homceopathic Treatment.
An hour's study outside the window of the Stereoscopic Company, WE have had occasion more than once to recommend that those who
and an hour in Fleet-street, make one acquainted with most of illuse paupers should be severely punished, but we never advocated
the notabilities. Yon golden-haired youth, with the poetic eye, is, such extreme severity as, we learn from the Standard, has been put in
perhaps, the editor of The Morning Advertiser; the tall thin gentleman force in one instance:-
a little behind him may be the editor of the Times; the short, stout
genlittlema behind him may beth the bald head and spectacles is, possibly, the editshort of at "At a meeting of the board of guardians of the Hackney union, held on the -th
gentleman with the bald head and spectacles is, possibly, the editor of at the Hackney Workhouse, the following letter was received from Mn. DascoLL,
Fun. Nor is the nobility of intellect the only one represented in the master, and Mns. DnISCOLL, the matron, of that establishment, who, it will be
Fleet-street. Loan DERBY'S carriage may at times be seen waiting recollected, were suspended by the beard, on account of alleged inhumanity towards
outside the office of his favourite journal, the Star, while Mn. DISAEL'S a boy who was refused admission to the infirmary while suffering from cholera."
wiry little Caucasian nag may occasionally be observed at the Telegraph We don't believe in homoeopathy, and certainly do not think cruelty
office, and Ma. BRIGHT'S Hansom may be noticed at the Standard will cure cruelty.





F U N .--NOVEMBER 17, 1..


THE NEW MARRIAGE OF THE ADRIATIC,
Venice (to Victor):-" LONG WAITED FOR, WELCOME AT LAST!"
1\


71--









NOVEMBER 17, 1866.] F U N. 105


MRS. BROWN IN CUSTODY.
AL as I says is drat the police and them as supports them in their
wicked ways, as is downright pestilences in their goin's-on, a-lettin'
cold-blooded murders, be done under their very noses in Cannon-
street of a defenceless woman, and pretty nigh a-swearin' away a
innocent man's life, as must 'ave walked like a steam-injin to 'ave
done it; as to that female as 'ad been at Greenwich, and passed the
door promiscous, why, in my opinion she didn't ought to 'ave been
listened to; but forto think of such a thing as takin' me up on false
pretences, as any one might make believe about anybody, as is easy
done, the same as we know many a innocent life's been took away
through JACK KETCH ; not as I blames 'im, as must, of course, do 'is
duty; but to think of me being' even suspected of such a thing, let
alone walked through the streets between two policemen, and that
poor gal 'MELTA a-sobbin' fit to break 'er 'art through fears, as I kep'
a-tellin' on 'er as they aren't 'urt a 'air of our heads as the saying' is.;.
for she's a gal as I've always took to ever since 'er poor mother died
and left five a-strugglin' on, and 'im, though not,a bad father, yet toea
fond of the public-'ouse to suit me, as led to 'is pitching' 'ead foremost
into a drain, as he never got ovei with 'is collar-bone broke and.-three'
ribs, and that gal a downright slave, as went to service, and a good
place too, with eight pounds a year and everything, found you,.and.
a-walkin' out every morning' with the only child, as Kennington Park,
is a nice place for, and does it myself reg'lar- through, the doctors
a-tellin' me as it was exercise as I required, and therefore did often.gao
and 'ave a friendly chat along with 'MELIA, and she'd bring and show,
me things as 'er missus 'ad give 'er through takin' care of that boy,.
as will never 'ave no use in 'is limbs, and foolish in 'is 'ead, as is-
obliged to be drawed about in a layin-down chair, a-takin' no notice
of nothing through fits.
Well, once or twice I'd take 'er a bit of a cake or a tart, and'she
give me a worsted thing as she'd made for my shoulders, for a more'
grateful gal I never know'd, and did 'er duty by that poor, boy as&
died, and a mercy too; not as 'is mother could see, as isn't nat'rall
in a parent's'art; but I'm sure no one could wish to live with a hundredd
and fifty fits running .
I'm sure the way as that gal 'MELIA 'Auris fretted you'd a-thought
as it was a 'uman bein' she was a-lamentin', and not a mass of deformity
with water on the brain with his eye-teeth. She used to come out of
a morning' just the same after he was took, for 'er missus see she was
a-pinin'. Certainly I never did see genteeler mournin' give to any
one; not but what crape was too deep under the circumstances.
Well, one morning' I met 'er, and she was a-showin' me a very
pretty jet brooch as 'er missus 'ad give 'er with that poor child's 'air
in it, and we was a-settin' down, and I 'ad my redicule with me, and
'ad a watch as I'd bought second-'and, as I couldn't get to go, and
was a-takin' to the watchmaker's in the Kennington-road for to be
repaired, and also an old butter-knife as 'ad come out of the'andle. I
was a-showing 'er the things, when all of a sudden up comes the park-
keeper and a policeman, as says, I know'd as I should nab you some
day, you old wagabone."
I says, "Whatever do you mean?" "Mean!" says the fellow,
"why I means as I've got you at last, the policeman see you do it."
"Do what ?" says Come, none of your gammon, it won't do,"
says the policeman, we've been watching you."
I says, "Watchin' me!-what for?" "Come," he says, "none of
your innocence, it won't do, I tell you."
I says, "Do you take. me for a thief?" "No," he says, "a deal
worse."
How do you mean ? says I. Why," says he, the receiver's
worse than the thief any day, and it's such as you as brings honest
gals to ruin, for if there wasn't no receivers there wouldn't be no
thieves."
Well, I stoed a-starin' at the man like anything putrified into a
stone, as the sayin' is, but 'MNLIA 'Annis she flew out a-sayin', "'Ow
dare you call me a thief or Mns. Bnown a receiver?" Oh," says
the policeman, "she's Mns. BnowN now, is she ? I've know'd 'er go
by a many names."
"Now, I says, policeman, mind what you're about, for I'm a
respectable woman." "Oh," he says, "in course; but," he says,
"come on, we're a-wastin' time."
I says, Come where ? He says, To the station-'ouse," and he
collars me.
I says, "'Ands off, if you please, or I'll make you remember the day
as you dared to lay a finger on MARTHA BRowN." I says, "I'll walk
with you inywheres; but," I says, touch me agin and I'll leave my
marks on you till your dyin' day." He see by my way as I meant
it, for he never wentured to touch me.
Pbor 'MELIA she says, "I'll go too." "Yes," says the bobby,
"that you will," and ketches 'old on 'or arm that wiolent as mademy
blood boil3 and; I ups with, my umbreller and give 'im such a one in
the chest, as made 'im roar agin, and out he pulls his staff.
I uays, U.o it, you wagabone, if you dares, and I'll strike you to


the hearth," and I'd a-done it too, but the park-keeper, as was a
regular sneak, he says, "Pray be calm."
I says, "I'll be calm, you snivellin' wagabone, but you shall rue
the day as ever you give me in charge."
I do think as it's best to be firm with them police, for after I'd
fetched 'im that crack he seemed to look up to me with respect like.
So I walks along with 'im like a lamb, and 'MELIA the other side, as
couldn't keep 'er tears under, and I was aggravated, for who should
I meet but our taxgatherer, as acted like a true man, for ho spoke to
that policeman, as was-all cheek and wouldn't listen.
Well, when waegoteto the station-'ouse they would no doubt 'ave
been, as cheeky as, is-their, natures to, but' MR. GREENAWAY, the tat-
gatherer, as 'ad stuck by me like a true, friend, he up and spoke for
me, and then thepoliceman-begun to change his tune, and said as he'd
been'mistook.
"li'Y I says, you 'ave, and never moreso in yo.urlife, and you'll
live true the day as.ever you dared take me into custody" So says
the superintendent, "Any. one may make a mistake."
'ell," I.says, "that's right; but," I says, "they~-must pay for
it."' "Oh" sayshe, you'retoogo.od'natured to bear malibe.
I, says I ddnit: bearr no malice:; but," I says, 111' teach you a..
lesBonjmy, bpy,.a-will d.t0you gpd.d, I- migihk'ava beenia poor friend7
lessNTretclh andtthensbliouldi'ava 'adiall the-insultaand no redress;
butW"' 1 says, I'll' ma.ke'y.oui pay- fonr this a- sunru aa.my name's
MM1 -an BaOWN'
Id.oa'trthinitiaseven twas so angroi. and:whenll told BhowN 'is
'bloadi was regtlaro up, for he oanut bear the polirot and:, he says,
"M1kar T nifitecost'me twenty poundel. 'l. iunng''imhup;" but'law, we
didiltevren-ouglhto talk, for the werry night carter that ourt'ousetook
fire throughhatrgal a-readin' in bed, and if. the werry policeman as
sea-it initime-.wasnzt that worry one aas-'adscollared. me-in lZennington
Park. So. arter that' there waanstenothithg. tohbe said, andc! glad I am
as we was able to square it,.for he'wasalt: abad sort', thab. policeman,
andtacvery-nie'youngrwomaniforaiwifA,.with. two children) and 'im
with-a dreadful cough, as the nightwork was killing and the poor wife
come to me through takin' care of-a empty housee in the Oval, and she
told me as they couldn't 'ardly keep their headss above water, as the
sayin' is, and, poor fellow, he got a deal worse with a cough enough
to shake his. soul out of his body, and little did he think when he took
me up for a receiver of stolen goods as I should be the one to nuss
'im up in 'is last illness, as he did used to say to me, It breaks my
'art to think of it." I says, "Go along with your rubbish, you
thought you was doin' your duty through bein' young and 'asty;
but," I says, "I should be a bad sort if I thought about that with
you on a sick bed;" but I'm thankful to say as he did get through it,
and strong enough to emigrate, as the sea voyage will pick them up,
though, goodness knows,,it knocks me down, and if ever I was il,
and they was to -send me to sea they'd finish me pretty quick; but
them police must be very strong, for that young man got well and.
wrote me a lovely letter from over there; not as it's a place as I should
care to go to, but must be well worth seeing as the collyfliowers.is that
big as you couldn't boil one, he says, in a copper; but all I've got to
say is that them police is too down on parties, as 'ad better look at
'ome, for I'm sure some on 'em is equal to any robbery; but their
lives is 'ard and their wages low, as did ought not to be, for howeverr
can they be 'onest when arf-starved, and only to think as 'MELIA
'Anius should come to marry one, and then left off' a-goin' on at me
for not persecution' that one as collared us in Kennington Park; but
young people will be 'asty, as we did ought to make allowance for,
though you'll never ketch me in Kennington Park agin to my
dyin' day.

LINES.
BY A LovzE OF THE PICTURESQUE.
SILVER stars on a golden sheen,
Glimmer of flowers in a tender rain,
Sighs for a future that might have been,
Smiles for a bygone pain.
Passionate longings, spoken tears,
Whispering boughs in a sullen noon,
A lifelong sorrow growing with years,
Frowns of a tropic moon.
Meanings of eld in shadowy pines,
Haunting pictures on silent wall;
And about a dozen nonsensical lines
Writ about nothing at all!

Legal Lights.
WE understand that the new law-courts will not be illuminated by
the ordinary gas-chandeliers, but by a series of pendentes lit, as the
lawyers say.








FUN.


[Novn IBEr 17, 1866.


SOLD AGAIN.
Outside .Passenger':-" SAD THING, SIR, TO THINK BLAVERY is REVIVED IN ENGLAND !
Stiggins:-" How so, SIR? WnHEnE? PnaY INronM ME!'"
0. P. :-" WELL, YOU SEE, PEOPLE ARE SOLD EVERY DAY AT PUBLIC AUCTIONS!"


AFTER THE DANCE.
ALAS I cannot sleep a wink,
But toss till I am nearly raving,
cannot dream, and dare not think
What I shall look like when I'm shaving.
Upon the wall fair forms I trace,
My ears ring with a merry Babel;
Again that voice! that haunting face '
Again those madd'ning notes of Mabel! "
Two hours ago I sought my bed,
'Twas light when I blew out the candle;
My pillow's gvne, my fever'd head
Reposes on-what's this? The handle
Of darling AMY's sandal fan,
Which clumsily last night was broken,
She smiled, and called" me "naughty man,"
But broke my heart, and here's the token.
A sweet mirage of loveliness
Intoxicates me as I'm lying;
I'm tangled now in MAGnrI's dress,
And now with IsABEL I'm flying.
But, hark! a German valse! Around
I float with pretty MILDRED ARaY ;
How light she is, and o'er the ground
Skims like a gossamer-wing'd fairy.
My arms are twin'd-was that a knock ?
Alas! what dismal sounds to wake on.
"Please, sir, it's nearly ten o'clock,
And getting very cold your bacon."
How changed the scene! They say aright,
Life is a ceaseless round of sorrow;
I often wish to-day last night,
Instead of being but to-morrow!

WHY are people of short memories neces-
sarily covetous?-Because they're always for-
getting something.


A BISHOP ON TRUTH.
THE other day, a letter from the BeHorP or OXFORD, in refutation of
certain scandals drawn down upon the clergy and aristocracy, resident
near Windsor, by a statement in one of MR. BRIGHT'S recent
harangues, appeared, in large type, in the columns of the Times. The
excellent prelate was surely more intent on sound than on meaning
when he wrote the following neat piece of nonsense:--
If truth is stranger, perverted facts are often more misleading, than fiction."
Let us examine a little this proposition, which, coming from
a bishop, must be worth a minute's thought. To begin: Why
is the proposition dependent on an -"if"? It would have been
more like accuracy to have said, Truth is stranger than
fiction, and perverted facts are more misleading." There is no
commoner fault of expression than the careless use of "if" and
"but." In nine cases out of ten, where the minor proposition is im-
ported in an argument, nothing comes of it, and nothing is really
intended to come of it. People say, but," with a sort of notion that
they are being epigrammatic, when a simple "and would answer
all the purpose of their speech. A reviewer in the same leading
journal which is favoured by the Bishop of Oxford's correspondence,
talks of a short but able treatise." Why not short and able ?
Ability, in fact, is a rather natural inference of terseness, and certainly
does not suggest a conflict of ideas, or an antithesis, such as "but"
would imply. It is much in the same way that the bishop mistakes
the value of an if'." But he makes a more serious slip in ratioci-
nation when he talks of perverted facts being "more misleading than
fiction." Everybody will allow that "perverted facts" are the most
misleading things in the world; whereas, fiction, of its very nature,
does not mislead. The bishop might, with equal propriety, have laid
down the grave dictum that MR. BRIGHT'S mis-statement itself was a
more injurious anecdote than a fable of LAPO.NTAINE'S, or a tale from
the fairy treasury of the COUNTESS D'ALNois.

Matrimonial and Meteorological.
TIrrINs, who is an old married man, and ought to know, declares
that the only sensible plan by which married life can be made free
from quarrels, is that adopted by the old man and woman in a Dutch
weather-glass.


A Hint.
THE Danes give our Legislature a hint, which our Legislature might
deign to take. Here is the scheme:-
The new constitution of Denmark, granting full liberty7 of worship, provides that
no one is to be compelled to contribute to the support of a church of which he dis-
approves, but that every individual who does not show that he is the member of
some religious community in the country, must pay towards public education the
personal contributions imposed by the law in favour of the national church.
Here is a solution of the great church-rate question in a nut-shell!
Surely some ingenious member of the Government might twist this
into a splendid Tory measure!

SONNET TO NIAGARA.
BY ONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN IMAGINATION.
MAJESTIC spot, where 'mid a thundering roar,.
We see the waters in their fullest pour,
The stoutest heart you may inspire with awe,
For he is more than man who ever saw
The mass of water plunging from thy shore
And shook not-for it shakes the rocky floor
Whereon he stands. 0 water, thing of might,
How great a boon art thou to human kind,
Of uses manifold for his delight--
Improvement-teaching! For in thee we find
Power for our mills, paths for our ships, a grace
For scenery-and means to wash our face-
A thousand things beside! Oh, wise men shrink
From thee, 0 water,-only as a drink!

Legal Note.
THE appointment of Mr. BACON, Q.O., to be QUEEN'S Ancient Ser-
jeant, cannot fail to please the pigs. Should he be raised to the peer-
age, it is to be hoped, to avoid confusion with the BAcON so artistically
cooked by Mr. HEPWORTH DIXON, the new Serjeant will assume instead
of the title of Verulam, that of Verypork. But joking apart-and the
name is so suggestive of crackling-, we beg pardon, cracking a joke!
-we are glad to hear of the learned Serjeant's appointment, for he is
a man of great and varied attainments, as well as a clever lawyer.








NOVEMBER 17, 1866.]


VENICE TQ.; VICTOR.
LOUD be the voice of rejoicing today,
Morning is breaking, and night dies away!
Watching for this, we have patiently borne
Years of oppression, and silence, and scorn-
Now thine arm, round me, is.claping me fast,
Oh, thou, long waited-for, weltqinat last!
Under the heel of the tyrarigdp wT acshed,
Mirth has been silent, and, song, ti&men hushed,
Liberty's ghost scarce dared gali ufgh the street,
Foemen, not free men, wereBJWsheskoUld, meet-
Nowallithe darkness and sorr~tw-are past -
Oh, thou, long waited-f...r, welcompa-ak ,fit!
Sweet Adriatic, smile brighly todW,
Long on thy bosom the co :l shad wd lay,
This is free.sunshine that gladdens thy'.stream,
Night has, departed, and fadedjthe dream,::
Glory, not gloom, b'er thy path shall be cast,
Oh, thou, long waited-for, welcome at last !
Fling out your flags as the boat glides along,,
Make the banks echo to music and song,
Clash the bells.gaily-no sound mustbe dumb,
Let dead, Venetians learn Freedom has come!'
Flutter, out streamers from spire and from ma s---
Greet.the.long waited-for, welcome at last!


FAITHFUL, TO THE END'.
GoWE all' the dreams of early youth-
Like morning's vanished ray!
Alas, that what we, deem is tnuth
Should ever fade away,!
Gone all the friendp.whem. emee., Ihw,
Companions of myprizrg;
I little thought such4friendships true
Could perish ere their time!
Gone! gone! Except one-one that shows
How constancy endears:
My faithful watch! It never goes-
It hasn't gone for years !


FUN.


101'


1,OOKING, OUT FOR SQUALLS.
First Fisherman (looking at the horizon):-"Do'ST THINK WE SHALL
HAVE A STORM, BILL?"
Second Ditto (looking nearer home) :-" AY! I sBBE THW OLD GAL WAP
LOOKING QUEER, 0S I AND THE KIDS, CLEARED OUT "


FROM OUR STALL.
THE Haymarket management gives us yet another comedy of the
ultra-Gallic type. In A Dangerous Friend we have another fond, but
rather foolish husband-another weak wife-and another fascinating
Lothario, who writes atrociously common-place rhyme, but looks well
in a dress-coat and patent-leather boots. The piece is not one of MR.
OXENFORD'S happiest adaptations; he has not given his usual point
and epigram to the dialogue. But the present Haymarket company
would make a much faultier play run glibly : and the performance of
A Dangerous Friend is very nearly as perfect as possible. MB. KENDAL
(a promising young comedian from the provinces), and MR. CHARLES
MATHEWS (a youthful beginner from the Yaridtds) are gentlemanly
and vivacious. There is one remarkable distinction, however, between
them; the first has been engaged on purpose to play a part-the
second has got a part written for him to play. The ladies-daughter,
mother, and grandmother-are charming.; the daughter seems to be
about eighteen, the mother twenty-one, and the grandmother thirty.
Miss CAROLINE HILL is pretty enough to make any married woman
jealous, especially when she goes about in a mauve riding-habit, and
shows the tiniest scrap of the tiniest foot in the world. The dresses
and scenery are all that could be wished.
MR. BouieCAVLu's -new drama, Hunted Dawn, is a success; and it
would be a very difficult thing to say why. There is no particular
novelty in the plot, and no particular brilliancy in the dialogue; yet
the piece is, beyond question, the handiwork of a master in his art.
The performance is, as a rule, worthy of the play. Miss HERBERT is
graceful, but she sobs and cries too much. Miss ADA DYAs charmed
us by her tranquil tenderness, and MRS. FRANK MATTHEWS resembled
a full-blown sunbeam in her expansive gaiety. ME. IRVING improves
every night, and has taken a great step in Hunted Down. There are
two or three beautiful scenes in-the drama, but "memory will bring
back the feeling" that we have seen them before.

FROM THE EABT.-Is there any similarity between a "Pa(r)see" and
a "Mammy-look "


0nsbytro to ^ s ywt s:

W. R.-Well drawn, but not original enough in style.
SEmPRONIUS, Birmingham, who begs leave to differ with us, is informed
that his differefLce is a matter of indifference.
A HIRELING YANKEE is informed that we did not undertake the
management of FuN until after April 29, 1866.
EAR.-Under consideration.
UMBRA.-There is not the slightest foundation for the report you refer
to. We have "no connection with any other establishment."
VILE CAITIF.."-You can apply the epithet you have given yourself to
the versification.
F. C., Maidstone.-We Kent insert year contributions
A. S.-" From the Lakes" won't do. The pink of perfection is clearly
not one of the lakes.
J. BECK has not got'a call for literature.
JOE.-" MILLER he would have said, but," &q.
H. C., Truro.-Our acrostic department is arranged for, and we cannot
accept anything in that line.
PEN. is unfortunately not a pen-ny comic."
Ir H. H. PYKE only knew that after reading seventy-five of his rambling
epistles ie have taken to basketing them unread, he would save pen, paper,
and postage.
A CORRESPONDENT, who signs himself H. M. G. unpaid," is assured
the pleasure is mutual-he wouldn't pay.
Declined with thanks-P. J., Highbury; W. H., Stranl; II. M.,
Pimlico; Schoolmaster; R. L. P., Darlington; Amos; A. J. F.; H. N.,
Kew; X. Y. Z., Harrow; Gratis; R. T., Birmingham; J. G.; J. H.,
Plymouth; Noelibron; T. W., Homerton; J. M., Woodmancoto; W. L.,
Hyde Park; H. W., Brompton; Curious Charlie; C. H. H., Glasgow;
M. F., Southsea; J. T. D.; Beans; R. N., Denbigh-street; A., Bath;
0. A. 0., Edinburgh; R. C., Borough; T. S:P., Camden-road E. A. Y.
Hanover-terrace; D. N., Coventry; J. H. J., Edinburgh; A. B., Forest-
hill; Alcibiades; Z. Y. X.; PR. J. C., Glasgow; F. N. L., Liverpool;
A. J. B., Bedford-street; T. J. L.; A. B., Gresham-street; G. A. B. L.;
J. R.; Chipps; Unhappy Ireland; Kimpton; W. C., Fenchurch-street;
Psyche; E. K., King's-cross; C. J. G., Blaeckrock; W. B. M.; S. MI.,
Pimlico; W. D., Woolwich; Pipo; A. C. F.









FU N.


[XOVEMBER 17, 1866.


ADROIT.
Aunt Peggy (who has testamentary powers) :-" Do you, KNOW, FANNY, I SOMETIMES FANCY BABY WILL BE LIKE ME."
Fanny (astonished into candour) :-" LIKE You, AUNT PEGGY DEAR ME I. HOPE NOT!"
Aunt Peggy :-" You HOPE NOT, AND PiAY WHY, FANNY ?"
Fanny (suddenly recollcets herself in view of Aunt Peggy's powers) :-" On! GOOD LOOKS ARE TREQUENTLY SUCH A SNARE, YOU KNOW, AUNTY."


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(Answer in our next.)
FtOM the far West he comes where Prairies spread,
And the mint-julep soothes the traveller's way,
The sly opossum boundeth overhead,
And loafers liquor-up the livelong day.
He comes, and well his character we know,
His wanderings 'mid the Mormons and the fame
Of "Betsy-Jane reorganized" and lo !
On every hoarding blazes out his name.
So let us welcome him to Britain's isle
With many a public laugh and private smile."

1.
You flourished for long years old stories said,
Then some one came and swiftly cut the thread.
2.
No greater boon a man could bring
To England in her need ;
All ages shall his praises sing
And-" Won't you have a weed ?"
3.
With unaccustomed hand he draws the bow,
Or wields the cue at Pyramids, and so
All books of games will call him-what you know.
4.
When you praised your lady's beauty,
As a lover should in duty,
Did you ever take one feature for your theme ?


Did you ever write a sonnet,
Or an ode and verses on it,
And declare that it excelled your wildest dream ?
6.
Some country roads are horrid and we frown,
And bless the man who made them smooth in town.
1 6.
Fair lady of the poet's lay,
As bright and beauteous as a Fay,
I wonder, spite of his persistence,
If you e'er had a real existence.


Pleasant at table, BucKLAND'S dear delight,
Pink as a maiden's cheek when rouged at night,
And yet, alas! 'tis sulky too sometimes,
And hides from sight as now among my rhymes.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S ACROSTIC.
C Camargo 0
0 Oval L
L Lay Y
L Labarum Xt
I Imp P
N Nicolini I
S Sclerotic C
Solutions of Aerostie in No. 78.-Correct :-P, Carozzi; Illpeligrino."
Amos.-Answers to the Acrostic should not be accompanied by other matter.

NOTICE.-Reading-cases for FUN may now be obtained at the Offce,
price Is. 2d.


Lcndioa: Printed by J UDD .x iLAsa, rtu'mx Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Common,. andI published (for the proprietors) by T 'UMAS BAKER,
80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, Navenmber 17, 1806.


108









NOVEMBER 24, 1866.] IF U N 109


TEN TO FOUR: A FARCE IN TWO SCENES.




















SCENE 1.- Interior of a Government Office. Clerks discovered employed to know-(they all sigh audibly. MEMBER or B. P., finding they
in various acts of industry. unanimously avoid his eye, addresses himself particularly to MR. DRESSER.)
Ma. DRESSER (to tailor.)-Yaas. Two paiah of twousers of that, -I want to know, sir,-
and one of that, and, aw- MR. DRESSER (breaking into a cold perspiration). -Head of room-
MR. BARKER (to pet animal).-Sit up! Good dog. MR. GRUBBER-desk there.
MR. RANSOM (reflectively to mirror).-Bai Jove Doosid long haiaw MEMBER or B. P. (to GiRUBBER).-Can you inform me, sir,-
in this whiskaw! MR. GRUBBER.-May I ask the nature of your appli-
WAITER (to ME. GRUBBER).-LAunc, sir. Anything cation ?
else, sir ? MEMBER or B. P.-I was going to say I wish to
Mlt. GRUBBER (to woaiter).-Yes, you can bring me know-
up another chop at three. (Deprecatingly to friend at I M R. GRUBBER.-Is it with reference to red tape, or is
next desk.)-You see a chap must do something, you it a question concerning sealing wax ?
know, and eating is an easy and not unpleasant oceupa- MEMBER or B. P. -Well, it's about sealing-wax,
tion. but-
Ma. REED (with Times).-Extraordinary case this. Mu. GRUBBER (relieved).-Ah, then you've come to
Most extraordinary. the wrong room. That belongs to Division X.
MR. TIMPKINS (making gigantic efforts to catch afly).- MEMBER OF B. P.-I have been there, and was told,
Anything in the paper ? Take it after you. as there was a stamp on the end of the wax, and it had
MR. REED.-Nothing. All right. I've only got I been used for sealing a-
three more columns to read. I've got as far as the law \ M. GRUBBER (depressed).-Oh, then it's ours. MR.
reports. REED, will you be good enough to give this gentleman
.MR. BRADDING (with book).- Capital novel this, the information he requires.
DAWDLER-you ought to read it. 4 MR. REED (advancing with a martyred air).-Now, sir,
MR. DAWDLER.-Ah! Lend it to me when you've what may be the nature of your application P
done. MEMBER OF B. P.-I want to know whether my son,
MR. BRADDINs.-Yes. I'm afraid I shan't finish it w\ ho is serving in Timbuctoo, will be called on to pay
to-day, it's half-past one, and I'm only half through for the sealing-wax which--
the second volume. MR. REED.-Ah, then you had better write to the
[A knock is heard. Alarms and excursions, office about it.
SCENE 2.-Same as above. Clerks discovered apparently intent on public MEMBER OF B. P.-When may I expect an answer; my son-
business. Intelligent dog retires into private life. MR. REED.-Oh, as soon as the case has been submitted.
Mil. GRUBBER.-Come in! Exit MEMBER or B. P. to expect an answer. General sigh of relief and
.Enter MEMBER OF BRITISH PUBLIC. universal demonstration of joy.
I MEMBER Or B. P. (to clerks generally).-Oh, if you please, I want CURTAIN.


VOL. IV. L ) L









110 F' TJ N [NOVEMBER 24, 1866.


PAUL GRAY.
morn 17t1 gon, 1842. Pi it 14t S pothtr, 1866.
---4--
WITH sorrow of no ordinary kind we record the death of
the young and talented artist whose graceful pencil has,
since the commencement of the New Series, until within
the last fortnight, supplied our weekly cartoon. It was a
labour of love and loyalty which he only relinquished when.
the rapi4 progress of consumption had almost exhausted
the vital energy.
Although he was but twenty-four, and had worked as
a draughtsman on wood barely three years, he already
showed more than mere promise, and his career was
watched with interest by some of the best judges of art.
His earliest drawing was a frontispiece to the Bunch of
Keys, his first important work the series of illustrations in
Good Words to the REv. CHARLES KINGSLEY'S Hereward."
His drawings since then will be found in most of the
magazines and periodicals. His picture in London Society
of October, and his illustration to MB. BucHANAN'S poem
in this month's Argosy, show with what rapidity-almost
unparalleled-he was gaining the mastery of his material.
He was an earnest and diligent worker, and for the most
unimportant block would make sketch after sketch (and all
were good) until he designed something which satisfied his
conscientious nicety of judgment. His last drawing was
made for a book about to be published by the Savage Club
for the benefit of the widow of a dear friend and brother
artist.
We cannot close our melancholy task without a record
of the purity and excellence of his life. He was, indeed,
wise and good beyond his years. He leaves not a single
enemy behind, dying with perfect faith in his Creator and in
kindliness with his fellows. He leaves an aged mother the
mournful memory of one of the best of sons; while those
with whom he was connected on this paper have lost in

success, but a valued and tenderly-loved friend.





Ct=n Cal.
BY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY.
WHO says the unpaid magistracy is a stupid and unjust body ? The
remark has been so generally made that I rejoice to have an oppor-
tunity of saying a word in defence of that much-abused class. Every
country gentleman is born duly qualified to become an administrator
of justice, just as every nobleman has a congenital fitness for law
making, and no one but a rampant and rabid Radical would attempt
to decry "justices' justice." I have just come on an example of
magnanimity and self-sacrifice, in the Tpswich and Colchester Times, that
must silence for ever the murmurs of the disaffected. In the report of
the proceedings at the Ipswich police court towards the end of last
month, the following passage occurs:-
A little boy named George Halls, aged 10 years, was charged with stealing
flowers from the garden of Mary Ann Howes, in the parish of St. Helen, on the
25th inst.
The Magistrates dismissed the Magistrates with a reprimand."
This was humble-minded in the extreme. The Bench was hardly
accountable, in fact, for the apprehension of the child; but it knew
that ix law it was answerable for the doings of its servants, and as the
police had taken the little thing in charge for the heinously childish
offence of 'picking a few flowers, the magistrates very properly dis-
missed themselves with a reproof.
I HAVE received the report of the Early Closing Association, which
seems to be as active and energetic as ever. Its objects, on the whole,


are laudable, so we won't haggle over details. But what lucky fellows
shopkeepers are to have hours of labours that can be abridged; they
are better off than literary workers. By all means let them have their
Saturday half-holiday, and enjoy it. But I think the Association
seems inclined to go a little too far in one respect, which might lead
to its opposing the opening of the Crystal Palace and the Museum on
Sunday; and to do that would, in reality, be against its principles.
I have also received MR. RIMMEL'S daintily perfumed and prettily
illustrated almanac, which, this year, is one of the best he has ever
issued. The designs which accompany the months are evidently by
a French artist, and are well printed in colours; some of them are
extremely fanciful and pretty, for instance, those for the months of
January and February, and July and August.
REJoICE, oh, bachelors and ye, pining spinsters on the look-out for
a husband, despond, for one great cause of matrimony is removed for
ever! Buttons those fatal discs, so often conspicuous for their
absence, that they have been the motives of almost as many marriages
as love-buttons are superseded! Some ingenious person has dis-
covered a scheme so simple that it is a wonder no tormented bachelor
ever hit on it before. The new button is constructed on the same
principle as the paper-fastener, which. most people are acquainted
with: two points at the back of the button are pushed through the
material to which it is to be affixed, a little ring or "washer" is
slipped on them, and then they are bent back in opposite directions.
A really excellent' notion-and oh! why wasn't it discovered years ago
before-but no matter!
I FIND that I omitted to notice Temple Bar and the Argosy last week.
The former is a fair number this month; the latter more than
ever confirms my belief that it is the best of the magazines. ROBERT
BuciHANA and MATTHEW BRtowNE are enough to effect that. The
former has a charming poem-what a pity one must use hackneyed
terms-and the latter a splendid critique on GEORGE ELIOT-for criti-
cism give me MATTHEW BIOWNE and GEORGE LEwns against the world.
There is also a sound paper on children's books. "Griffith Gaunt"
concludes in this number-a clever novel, but what a pity its author
has written such letters about it! The picture to The Lead-melting,"
by PAUL GRAY, should be treasured by art-lovers, for it is almost the
last work of a pencil which has given us so much of the graceful and
the beautiful, and can never do so again.
My favourite journal, the Pall Mall, seems bent on reforming the
English language, and I am very glad to see it. It must be awkward
for some people to find themselves "! cabined and confined" by such
minor considerations as grammar and construction, so I feel sure the
efforts of the P. M. to dispense with them will be hailed with delight
in many quarters. One of the latest instances of this bold attempt. of
" our fashionable contemporary "-I won't say the latest for I haven't
seen it for two days occurs in an article in which we are informed
that the Sepoy mutiny and the Jamaica insurrection are illustrations
of the truth that "no nation in the world is, at bottom, more fiercely
tenacious of its power than the English nation, or more disposed to
resort to the most desperate measures in defence of them."
AMONG my announcements of books for Christmas I forgot to men-
tion that MN. THOBNBiURY will appear before the public, who will be
sure to welcome him, with a collection of vers de socidtd, to be entitled
" Two Centuries of Song." The selection is certain to be a good one,
and is to be illustrated by eminent artists. I understand, too, that he
will publish a collection of articles, in prose and verse, which have
appeared in All the Year Round, and elsewhere.
THE Albert Press is an admirable institution which has turned the
present rage for illuminating into a means of giving employment to
women. The art is eminently one in which female perseverance and
taste are needed; and I believe that success has attended the attempt
to find congenial work for women, and am glad of it. The PRINeESB
OF WALES has just ordered a set of crimson-lake etchings of the out-
lines to the Idylls of the King, and I hope many of the nobility, who
make Her Royal Highness their model, will copy her in this.


Such a Getting up Stairs !
A HOusE in the Government stables at Berlin found his way into the
loft over his stall by a narrow staircase of twenty-two steps, and was
not discovered for two days. This unexpected promotion of a servant
of Government ought to be received with great satisfaction in all
public departments, where there are many-well, say, horses-who
would like to get a rise, but seem as little fitted for it as their equine
fellow-worker.

Trifles Light as Air.'
A PALE-FACED young man, who is considered "a wagge" in
Camden-town society, was heard to whisper into a young lady's ear
during supper time at an evening party that be had a soul above
Perigond Pie and all such truffles."








F.UN.


OUR LIBRARY TABLE.
A FEW more juvenile books. Johnny Jordan and his Dog, by MRS.
EILOART (ROTJTLEDGE AND SONS), seems an amusing and healthy book
enough for the boys. We are glad to see that the author puts boys'
language into the boys' mouths, and makes them say such things as,"I'm
precious glad we're here at last. I say, won't JONES open his eyes at the
sight of the beef !" Some writers would have polished such a sentence
into, "Mamma, I am extremely rejoiced that we have at length arrived.
Will not Mn. JONES express surprise when he perceives the beef"
Young readers are apt, we are informed,ito call those, characters into
whose mouths this nonsense is put, "muffs," and we rather agree with
them. Johnny Jordan, with his unpolished Saxon, on the contrary,
is likely to be popular. Tom and the Crocodiles is too "goody" for our
liking. In a book of adventure and travel the only tracts admissible
are tracts of luxuriant vegetation not pious platitudes. The book
abounds in the high-faluting style of language alluded to above, but
there is a person called Barnes in it who speaks a dialect which is a
strange jumble of all dialects possible and impossible. We suppose
this is done to heighten the realistic effect. 5his.sort of story may be
turned out by the ream-all you want ,is pa supernaturally learned
father who knows all the sciences and. naturalistary, and is always
ready with a "goody" tag; a sweet-tempered and .thoughtful mother,
a little simple in order to trot out her husband's ienwledge, and a
few children tolerably unlike the real artial1, eaoh .qAeendowed with
a thousand virtues and one fault which hag ito ,be eradicated in the
course of the narrative. Add a few savage, a shipwrecked mariner
and a pirate, garnish with scraps of erroneous natural history and
smatterings of science, simmer gently over ajfew difficulties, including
a shipwreck, and serve up on a desert island orsome other uninhabited
spot. There's the recipe; and we defy Miss GEORGIANA HILL,
authoress of Soups, and How to Make them in a Hundred .Diferent
Ways, to improve on our formula. Miss HILL's book is, we are told
on competent authority, a very useful one. We can only judge it on
its literary merits, and after all, one cookery bbok must be very like
another in style. Why doesn't somebody write one in Carlylese ? By
the way, Miss HILL might have added one more recipe to her century
-that for the celebrated "purde of horse beans," which the .Daily
Telegraph purchased at a somewhat high price.
MIRS. BRODERIP, whose books for the young are the ragged, thumbed,
and dog's-eared treasures of many a nursery, gives us a book this
year which addresses itself to the elder children. Wild lAses; or, Simple
Stories of Country Ltfe (GRIrFITr and FARRAN) will be found in the'
schoolroom rather than the nursery. We would not, however, 0e
understood by this remark to mean that it is anything of a lesson
book "-a moral it teaches certainly, but without any straining or
tagging-on of goody." The little public which in former years
delighted in Funny Fables and Morning Gossips have grown up and
got past those books, so they will be glad to find their author-friend
has not forgotten them, but .keeps pace with their growth in these
new stories, which we can heartily commend to our young friends.


"WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY," ETC.

REDENCE is generally given to the
statement that the editor of the Athe-
uneumhasbeen in Polygamia, studying
the manners and customs of the
Aborigines of that remote locality.
Whether this be true or not, it is
evident that "a'prentice hand" is in
charge, and the results are very
amusing. In the "Weekly Gossip "
of a recent number, we are informed
that FIGsIER's World before the .Deluge
-one of the most worthless and in-
accurate of French sensational scien-
tific books-is worthh a thousand
gilt Christmas volumes as a gift to
intellectual students." When we
remember that it was so atrociously
unsound as to provoke three columns
of severe "slating" in the Times, we
smile at the puff, which is scarcely creditable to the journal that claims
to be regarded as our highest literary weekly.
But the oddest announcement is that CAPTAIN CRAWLEY is about to
publish a MONOGRAM ON CRICKET. THACKERAY certainly delineated
thit Heavy Dragoon as an illiterate billiard sharper; and if any
modern writer chooses to select the title as his Nom de plume, it is no
business of ours; he is doubtless the best judge of its fitness. With
regard to the proposed publication, we submit the initial letter of this
article as our idea of a "MoNOoxAM ON CRICKET." One specially


applicable to the work, as it displays the initial which belongs equally
to Captain, and CRAWLEY, and Cricket. We trust the gentleman who
is at present in charge will purchase a cheap copy of Webster, by the
aid of which he may discover that a monogram,'is no more like a
monograph than a telegram is like a telegraph.


DOUBLE ACROSTIC.
(The answer in our next.)
IT keeps its secret well until the time
For speaking, and then windy words reveal
Too oft that telling would have been no crime,
Because there was so little to conceal.

1.
He looks on all men with a jaundiced eye,
Unheeded youth and beauty pass him by;
However fair the night or red the morn,
.He lives, unhappy mortal, but to scorn.
2.
A lady in old tunes that made Gods stare,
Having the very strangest things for hair.
3.
'Twill keep your books and papers safely, there
You go when to the consul you repair.
4.
They called it merry in the days gone by,
-Where now an Angel welcomes you when dry.
6.
In your study take a look,
On the shelves around it, then
Seek in some large Latin book
One small word that answers-when P
6.
'VHismQ .were des ,. all joy in life was o'er,
ft].efll.Baine--rr whihped any more.
7.
'head o'er each part and weigh the answer well,
By bright fireside, or near some giant bole,"
The answer will be easy then to tell,
You've guessed the rest, and here you have the whole.

ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S AcROSTIO.
A Atropos S
R Raleigh H
T Tyro 0
E Eyebrow W
M Macadam M
U Una A
S Salmon N
Solutions of Double Acrostic in No. 79 received up to 16th inst.-Correct:-
Tommy Traddles; Schwartz; Constance; Kate; W.. F. L.; H. G. H.; Clifton
Hall; J. M. B.; Ett; F. T. D.; H. W. R.; L. and S.; Sobrac; bow; S. W.;
E. D. E.; S. P.; Fra-fan; Erichthonius; Dabchick; Red Brethren; Carlotta;
E. J. C.; W.: M.; Leigh Lane; V. V.; J. J.; A. D.; Bosie; II. J. C. K. W.;
Asmodeus; C. K. S.; Quilldriver; Furniture; A. B. 2; Novus Homo; Three
Meteors; C. R. A. B. ; Herbert; C. B.; W. W.; Kafoozleums; Bobby; ,J. M. M.;
Barbel; J. W.; T. R.; J. 8. L.; Keynshambury; R. T. V.; Wisbechiensis;
D. E. H.; J. E. A.; Ruby; Old Trafford; W. C. B. D ; A Gay and Festive Cuss; E. P.;
Juvenis; Goethe; A. de M.; The Kite; M. W. S.; W. 0. L.; W. S. D.; Boss-
guessman; Audrey; A + Mlick; E. S.; Linnmus L. Z.; Madlle. G.; J. W.; S. 1b.;
Armour Plates; W., son of D.; S. F. C.; F. J. G. W.; W. W. (66); Mutza;
Mignonette; R. H. G.; M. B.; T. L. S.; G. D.; Snuffbox; OEdipus; Perseverance;
T.W.C.; C.H.W.; RoseofW.; YoungCu.s; A.A.B.; A.L.; J.A.B.'; M. D.;
Co. Deepthought; Pipekop; Iota; Hamah; E. G. R. 0. E. G.; Enfield; Flush;
South London P.; Ladbroke; Three Blind Pigs; Old Boots; Tiny Dillon;
H. MoP.; Birkenhead; Crumb; Alice T; Kiss Polly Twice."


Cutting I
A coNTEMPOnAII, in extracting and abridging a letter recently
addressed to the Times by a member of the Stock Exchange, with
reference to its tolerance of "bears," made a cut which has rather a
startling effect. Its extract stands thus:-
Although the danger appears to be over, I trust Parliament neXt year will pass
a Bill prohibiting time transactions in bank shares." It Is not, how,.ver, from
Parliament that a remedy can be looked fur. The question is solely one of
public welfare."
This is rather a striking admission of the too well-known fact that
questions solely of public welfare are not those which occupy Par-
liament


NOTvEMBHER 24,. 1866.]









FUN.


NN


"THE SMALLEST DONATIONS," ETC.
Humble Hansom (to young lady who has been caught in the rain a few yards from church) :-SIXPEmNE P'RAPS, MIss, YOu'D BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO PUT IT IN THE POOH-BOX AS YOU GO IN!"


A LOVE SONG.
(After the Popular Drawing-room Style.)
WHEN the mountains flow seaward,
And ocean is dumb,
No more this fond bosom
To thee shall succumb.
Then, oh, my adored one,
Respond to me, pray,
And say will you love me
When I am away.
By the bloom on thy brow and the tear on thy cheek,
Oh, say will you love me on Saturday week!
Though hearts may be blighted
By hollow despair,
Though the loved may be parted
In sorrow and care.
Will you cling to my image
When absent, my star,
And gaze still unchanging
On me from afar P
Oh! answer my fond supplication and speak,
Yes-say will you love me on Saturday week

Arms Found I
BoExmsi was a retired grocer. BOBxIxS was run over in Rotten
Row. BoBKINs recovered, and immediately had painted on the panels
of his carriage, a shield, in which he quartered the blazons of two dis-
tinguished ducal families. "How is this, BoBKINs ?" inquired his
friends. "Gentlemen," said BOBKINS, "when I was knocked down
in the Row the other day, I was picked up by two noblemen. They
immediately offered me their arms-and I've taken 'em!"


A One-horse Affair!
HEBE's a chance for timid equestrians:-
"Among the many wonders of the Great Exhibition is to be a mechanical horse
which trots, gallops, or walks, as may suit the pleasure of the rider. He even
prances after the most approved style, and neighs when that sound is agreeable to
its possessor. Cost 52,000f."
Really it would be worth the while of a few of the young gentlemen
who promenade Rotten Row in the season on discreditable hacks to
form themselves into a One-horse Company (Limited) and purchase
this invention. The saving in feed, stabling, grooming, and taxes
would be immense.

The Verdant Isle.
A MEETING of vegetarians, held at Dublin the other day, was brought
to an abrupt conclusion by some wag in the crowd, who asked the
chairman what he would do if duty called him to the North Pole,
where there are no vegetables ? The poor chairman had not a word
to say-a proof that living exclusively on prate-ies doesn't teach people
to talk. But he might have told his interrogator that he was quite
safe at the North Pole, for wherever he (the chairman) went, there
would be sure to be something green!

Horsey I
HOSEFLESH is becoming such a general article of food in Paris,
that visitors, in order to prevent waiters, at restaurants, from bringing
them the new viand, have to give a very distinct nay !" One old lady,
who was betrayed the other day into tasting the novelty, said, that when
she found what she had been eating, it gave her such a chill, she
supposed it was a Cheval-de-freeze. We would warn visitors to the
Exhibition to furbish up their French, or they may have their equine-
nimity disturbed, by asking for saddle of mutton, and getting saddle
of horse instead.




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