Material Information

Physical Description:
Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication:


serial   ( sobekcm )
periodical   ( marcgt )


Additional Physical Form:
Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation:
v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities:
Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note:
Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.

Record Information

Source Institution:
University of Florida
Holding Location:
University of Florida
Rights Management:
Per Wikimedia, Fun Magazine is in the public domain:
Resource Identifier:
aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009
System ID:

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page iii
        Page iv
        Page 1
    March 17, 1866
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    March 24, 1866
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    March 31, 1866
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    April 7, 1866
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    April 14, 1866
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    April 21, 1866
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
    April 28, 1866
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    May 5, 1866
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
    May 12, 1866
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
    May 19, 1866
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 96
        Page 97
        Page 99
        Page 100
        Page 101
        Page 102
    May 26, 1866
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 106
        Page 107
        Page 109
        Page 110
        Page 111
        Page 112
    June 2, 1866
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 116
        Page 117
        Page 119
        Page 120
        Page 121
        Page 122
    June 9, 1866
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 126
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
    June 16, 1866
        Page 135
        Page 136
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
    June 23, 1866
        Page 145
        Page 146
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
    June 30, 1866
        Page 155
        Page 156
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
    July 7, 1866
        Page 165
        Page 166
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 170
        Page 171
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 176
    July 14, 1866
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
        Page 181
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 186
    July 21, 1866
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
        Page 191
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 196
    July 28, 1866
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
        Page 201
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 206
    August 4, 1866
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 215
        Page 216
        Page 217
        Page 218
    August 11, 1866
        Page 219
        Page 220
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 228
    August 18, 1866
        Page 229
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 235
        Page 236
        Page 237
        Page 238
    August 25, 1866
        Page 239
        Page 240
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 245
        Page 246
        Page 247
        Page 248
    September 1, 1866
        Page 249
        Page 250
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
        Page 258
    September 8, 1866
        Page 259
        Page 260
        Page 261
        Page 262
        Page 263
        Page 265
        Page 266
    Back Cover
        Back Cover 1
        Back Cover 2
Full Text


ANY not

....M., 4,



l/^ >^-

I I Ii





,1- o ....

-"- _J


EVERAL times had they attempted to lay tho deeoop-soa cablo
-several times, for each time the cable was severed. It was
sunk, like the capital invested in it-with very little hopo of
any return. Over and over again the spirited speculators lost
their ropes, but they never lost their hopes, although the wasto
of Atlantic waters seemed as if it was not to be girdled.
Three are identical or rather trident-ical) was in groat distress
about those failures. Ho felt an implied slight on the part of
the Tolograph Company-they gavo himn so much rope. ie
assembled the Nereids-the beautiful soa-nymphs (who, by the
-way, never have been seen nymphs-but no nattoer!)-and
required why there were so many break goes. Thoy ropliod that
it was the cat, but the nautical deity observed that it was not
in use on board the Great Eastern, as that vessel did not belong
to the Royal Navy.
Their excuse having been penetrated by tce far-scaing
-/- NEbTUNE, the daughters of ocean hung down their heads.
-Oho!" said the Earth-shaker, taking his wced (Eneero-
o rpl a Comprbl e sa) from his mouth, Oho, by ZEUS, the Cloud-
Sy Compeller, shiver my timbers; vast heaving, yo corulean
daughters ofNEh Eus and DORTsn! 1)omi't fancy so soeal-grieen
as not to see which way that cat jumps! i it sh my lee-
suppers, if I listen for a single instant to such an nymph-
eamous excuse. Confess that yo cuat up the cable for the wire it
contained, whereof yo would fain make crinolines like theos of
the fair-haired daughters of Earth whom yo behold pacing the
ridges of the shore at Margate "
But the Norcids vowed that this was not the case. The first cable had fallen on the serrated edge of a submarino rock-a
sea-saw in fact, and had become divided by the motion of the waters. As for the last cable-well, one of them had caught her
foot in it as she was going to her occan-bed without a candle. The ocean-bed was so deep that it kept it quite dark, and they
feared any cable might be liable to similar accidents-that at any part of its journey a trip might occur.
But the Earth-Shaker was not appeased. le bade the nymphs assist in laying the new cable, and threatened them
with dire punishments if it were not properly now-laid, as sure as eggs.
Then the daughters of NEREsh departed disconsolate. Their spirits were not good, there was always so much water with


them; wherefore they took their FuN in every week, for that alone could enable them to struggle against the damping effects
to which they were exposed.
So the Sea-nymphs determined in their distress to appeal to the power that preserved them from the depressing influences
of low-water. They sent a message to FUN by the Buoy at the Nore, who sold the papers at that station, and FUN at once
answered-as Fux always has done-in the most handsome manner. *
Take this volume," said the SPIRIT OF THE AGE, standing on the rocky coast of Valentia, and addressing the loveliest of
the Noreids, By the flashes of wit that illume its pages you will be able to lay the cable."
The sea-nymph reverently accepted the book, which exercised such a potent spell that it made the ocean roar, and the
sands yell-"oh!" with laughter. *
The task was done !
Ocean had, like an anchorite-even in places which no anchor ever reached-a rope about its middle. The Cable Cam-
pa-ien this time was prosperous not disastrous, for no nIndia-ry had been done. *
Fair COLIBImA was wandering along the shore when she saw a sea-nymph rising from ocean. Standing by the tide-line
with a line tied about her dainty waist, the NEREID addressed the Lady of the West:
"And hearty, too, I kalklate, strangerr" replied COLUMBIA. "But whar-in the name of the Everlasting Bird of
Freedom that utters its Skreek as it roosts on the Zenith of all Creation while the aspiring Star-spangled Banner is tarnation
near knocking the Sun's eye out-whar do you hail from!"
I could a talo unfold," said the mermaid, with a graceful wave of her scaly termination; "but this book can tell you all
in far better words than I can command." With those words the daughter of NEREUS presented the volume to COLUMBIA.
COLUMBIA hesitated. Casting a suspicious glance at the sea-nymph, as if puzzled to account for a combination of woman
and tail that seemed the result of a toss-up, she asked in a low voice, "I say, stranger I I guess you ain't the Union
are you ?"
On the Nereid's assuring her she was not the Union, COLUMBIA seemed to experience great ont-,doer relief, and clambering
down the rocks, stretched out her hand for the book.
That, fair COLUMBIA," said the sea-nymph, "is the first message which you receive by the Atlantic Ceable."
Stranger !" said COLUMBIA, It won't do, I reckon. You can't send parcels by telegraph."
F-N is a subtle essence, swift as the electric spark itself. But the evidence of what I say is in your own hands. Although
it has traversed the ocean depths its remarks are as dry as the best champagne-and have as much sparkle. The humour you
see on its pages is not wet but wit! "
"Stranger, I am obligated to you. What will you put yourself outside of ? Name your p'isen;-a private smile?"
No, thank you," said the NEREID, "but in return for your politeness, let me present you with an endless supply of
public laughs." With that, she placed in the hands of COLUMBIA

hIe n btirb inofnme of thle Hdq `e 4f 4fn.




~j. -

- -S =.' .--_ i--*- -_-: -\\_---- ---. -

--- ---- '*, 'C --

-.--,- -...


EFLECTIVE reader, you may go
From Chelsea unto outer Bow,
And back again to Chelsea,
Nor grudge the journey, if you meet-
In lane or alley, square or street-
The child whom all the children greet
As ELSIE-little ELSIE.
A pretty name-a pretty face-
And pretty ways that give a grace
To all she does or utters,
Were all that Fortune could bestow
About a dozen years ago,
When little ELSIE'S lot below
Got cast among the gutters.
For Fate, you see, has willed it so
That even folks in Rotten-Row
Are not without their trials ;
While only they who know the ways
Of wicked London's waifs and strays
Can fancy how the seven days
Pass over Seven Dials.
Suppose an able artizan
(The common type of working-man
So written-at and lectured),
From all the fevers that infest
His temporary fever-nest,
Selects a deadly one ; the rest
Is easily conjectured.
'Twas hard upon his death, I think,
That ELSIE's mother took to drink
(And harder still on baby).
The reason of it ? I confess
I'd rather leave it you to guess.
Perhaps 'twas utter loneliness;
Or love of gin, it may be.
So there was ELSIe all astray,
And growing bigger day by day,
But hardly growing better.
No other girl, in all the set
That looks on ELSIE as its pet,
But knows at least the alphabet;
And ELSIE-not a letter!

-t -~

I 4 W
~ ..L



So, reader, I had best be dumb
Upon the future that may come
To this forlorn she-urchin.
Her days are pretty bright pro temn.
So let her make the most of them,
Among the labyrinths that hem
Saint Giles's ugly church in.

A Classical Cattle Plague.
IT has long puzzled the learned to discover the meaning of a certain
line occurring in a black-letter ballad-
Old Jo kicking up behind and before."
Thanks to the compilers of the catalogue of the present Exhibition of
Fine Arts at Glasgow, a light has been thrown on this obscure passage.
The explanation of the mystery is to be found as a note to No. 203-
TuRNEw's famous picture of "Mercury and Argus." We quote it at
"Argus, with his hundred eyes (only two of which slept at one time), is placed
by Juno to watch Jo, who has fallen into her hands as a whito heifer, Jupiter having
changed her into that form to protect her from Juno's jealousy. Mercury, by order
of Jupiter, releases Jo by slaying Argus, having lulled all his eyes to sleep by the
melodious sounds of his lyre."
The merest schoolboy remembers that Juno sent a gadfly to torment
the unhappy white heifer-a persecution which any one who has seen
cows in fly-time will admit quite explains old Jo's kicking up behind
and before.

THaEE is a rumour afloat that MR. T. G. BARINGx is to be Secretary
to the Admiralty. He must be a versatile genius, very much after the
heart of that noble earl who has been said to believe himself capable
of commanding the Channel Fleet, for he has figured already at the
Home Office, the India Office, and the War-office. We suppose this
energetic public servant considers no duties, however arduous, beyond
BARING Besides he may be distantly connected with those nautical
BARINGS that Officers are always taking on board ship.

"LIVERY of Seisin' means, of course, Jon, FOOTMAN's suit of
clothes, which he wears spring, summer, autumn, and winter-so it's
always the livery of seasin.

WHAT maker's guns are best adapted for poaching ?-Why Egg's,
to be sure.





On, little maid,
With dainty boots that fit you EO surprisingly,
With eves of true
Unblentishlid blue,
And golden curls that fll so tantalizingly;
Though I'm afraid
I shall be laid
Within the shade
Of your displeasure, yet I speak advisingly.
I, daring scriven,
erclby denounce your dangerous ability,
H1 artless c(r)oqcite,
Wheno'er you get
M', lying at youi feet in all humility,
One tap is given-
The link is riven,
And I amn driven
Afar-and to the verge of imbecility!
With sorrow sighing,
But yet without a shade of an:musity,
Once more my scat
s at your feet;
With pretty atliftation of ferocity,
Severely eyeing
The victim lying,
You send himn flying
To the next county, with c.;pjrcss velocity!
Oh, maiden, learns
The risk you run in acting so punctiliously,
I yet inity beat
loi, front imy feet
As you, a moment since, drove me so biliously;
The game miay turn,
And should I earn
The right to spurn,
I'll exercise it, just as superciliously !


S OBODY, at the time o
( r this present writing
-' nows what the Go
"vernment Reform Bil
K_ *will be. By the tim
This is in the hands o
S" the public overybod
S 'will know what it is
SUnder these circum
S4 st'lnces, my wisest plain
I i' ill be to say .."
i;, ^ w3- about it, except lI .t
rather pity MR. GI
STOxw, who will have t
lead the Cabinet 5 ill
licked cub into th
'I' .'-House. I suplsb thcr
-1ill b- -" r-Tnimmr- or
.. '"t -.. --.,1.the n, :..n, ..1
S -. shan't be at all sut
'" -.- praised if the Ministry i
beaten upon it, for it i
a question on which]
that house is divided against itself, and on which, therefore, it ma:
well fall.
Tui decision in the case of SOTHERN r. COLEMAN is a digs-racO t
English law, and a monument of the incapacity of the Deput:
Recorder. lHad any one. with a cl ar, judicial mind sat on the Bench
CoiLEMA would now be expiating his crime on the treadmill, as h
deserves, instead of being actually in pocket by the whole transaction
For, of course, the sale of the Spiritual Magazine (probably for the firs
time in its career) must have been, this month, very profitable. Yes
but then," says some one, "lie wished it to be distinctly understood
through his counsel, that Ihe had nothing to do with that periodical.'
Very likely; but did not COLEMAx get up at a spiritual meeting, som
month or so ago, and say he had supported the magazine for a lon

[MiTARo 17, 1866.

time, and if the others did not come forward he should have to drop
it ? So that, you see, instead of the libel being done, as the Deputy
Recorder said, for no profit, it looks very like a desperate attempt to
keep a sinking publication on its legs. As for COLEMAINx' saying that
in his letter to the Times he meant "that he could prove "-not the
libel for which he was being prosecuted, but quite irrelevant matters;
if he wishes us to believe that, he must want to be classed under both
the acknowledged species of the common genus Spiritualist"-
species which I will quote scientifically as the -. and F. Fldiincuri.
Look at COLEMAN's conduct throughout the whole case-his letter to
the Ti2mes, his attempt to postpone the trial, with hints of forthcoming
justification, the impudent assertion that his use of asterisks was in-
tended to remove the scandal, and, finally, his abject apology-so
abject it seems surprising how even he could descend to it: look at
these, and say what there is to excuse the sentence passed by MR.
CHAMBERS1 That sentence means, in so many words, that henceforth
a wealthy scoundrel may slander his neighbour for fifty pounds. As
for the Deputy Recorder, what can you say about a man with such a
greedy credulity that he "is inclined to believe in spiritualism, though
he hasn't seen any of it" ? It is evident that his present duties are
beyond his capacity, and the sooner the authorities find him a substi-
tute the better for the dignity of the civic administration. I may add
that COLEMAN's counsel, .MR. CHAMB S, is no connection of MEn.
CHAMBERS the Deputy Recorder, for I have met with people, who, at
a loss to account otherwise for the decision, enquired if there were such
a relationship. It is better, however, it should be known that justice
failed through folly, not through favour.
I sAID last week I had not seen the Argosy. I had a treat in store,
for SANDYS's illustration, to Miss RoSSETTI's not very smooth verses, is
very fine, though badly printed, and in parts not well rendered. The
back-ground is brought-up badly, and is as close as the figure, if not
closer, to the eye. Really, the magazine is not a bad sixpenn'orth-
far more readable than the Cornhill. I'm glad to see the colour of the
wrapper has been altered. But the Argosy, doing as well as it does,
might look a little better yet in the matter of printing, etc. Itntan be
done-witness a purely class publication like iMu. TEGETMEaIEze's
Poultry Beook. It is published at a shilling to be sure, but then its
circulation is only calculated for a class. Yet its typography is excel-
lent, its illustrations specimens of colour-printing, and its matter
sound as well as interesting (which is more than one can say for all
natural-historical-writings or magazine articles).
Tuy news from Jamaica is coming in now, and the statements of
unprejudiced commissioners are strongly in favour of ERiE---of course,
I din't include the Star among the unbiassed, its correspondent being
one of the counsel engaged on the GonnoN side-a curious selection of
a correspondent, if the Star's object was impartiality. The letters of
the Daily Te'legrpylh commissioner are the best of the lot, graphic, yet
to the point; amusing, yet not egotistic. How original-how much
f more lifelike-is this, compared with the old-fashioned dry and tough
i, :- .i-";- It is like photography to portrait painting-as superior as
- MIssts. J. and C. WATKIhS'S photo. of GiAr, the new President of
1 the R.A., to their copy of his portrait painted by himself some years
e since-" as sunlight unto moonlight."
f As I was strolling down Duke-street, Manchester-square, the other
Y day, I dropt in to see the carvings of Misl. GmaEsRn lton IsoN, a self-
n. zt-it '. ,.: whose Chevy Chase sideboard, which has attracted the
- ; i. cof/iiscenti at various exhibitions, is on view there. It
n 3 a fine work, and there are some other capital things in the shop,
Which well repaid me for my visit, though town is beginning to fill
uneanommonly well at this early season, and there is plenty to be done
and seen.






WnzEN morning gilds the pearly lawn,
And sunlit skies you scan,
When night's dark curtains are withdrawn,
Arise, my MAyx ANN !h
When chanticleer proclaims the day,
And rosy glow the skies,
When all the stars have fled away,
Mly Matv Ax-, arise !
When, that the day is coming soon,'
A thousand signs declare,
Oh! don your kirtle and your shoon,
And steal down the stair.
But by my chamber door abide,
To do this chest of mine :
You'll find I've put my boots outside-
Oh! take them down to shine!

MAtC 17, 1866.]


IT has often been a source of wonder to us'that the "comic business"
with which our pantomimes conclude, should be so utterly devoid of
anything like logical sequence. Why not let a drama run through
the comic scenes just as it does in the case of the introduction ? Here
is a specimen of which might be done on the principle we suggest :-
(Comic Business.)

HARLEQUINA (deceived bg Clown)


SCENE 1.-Roonm in Harlequin's home. Trip, HARLEQUIN, COLUMBINE,
Enter CLOWN followed by PANTALOON.
CLowN.-Oh, my eye! if I ain't found a lot of Galvanic Navigation
Company's Shares!
PANTALOoN.-Good boy, Joey, good boy Give us a bit, Joey !
CLOWN (tripping him up).-Sit down! (Enter POLICEMAN, who watches
them.) Now there's one for you, and there's one for me, and there's
one for you, and there's one for me, and there's one for you (hitting
him in the eye). (Sees Toliceman.) Howdedoo, Mr. Po-liceman ? See
what I've found! [Showing scrip certificates.
POLICEMAN (who feels called upon to say something smart).-Move hon!
CLOWN.-Shan't. If yer don't go away I'll smash yer!
[ Taking up massive marble chimney piece.
PANTALOON.-Yes, that's right, Joey Smash him! smash him !
[CLOWN smashes POLICEMAN, and then blows him out of a thirty-two
pounder which happens to be handy. Exit POLICEMAN vowing
Enter COLUMBINE. Posture.
CLOWN.-Oh, 'ere's a lovely gal! (He expresses violent love, but she
affects to be coy.) I loves yer to substraction!
[ Steals her bonnet, shawl, thimble, gloves, watch, the side springs from
her boots, her back hair and respirator.
Enter HARLFQUIN, who expresses revenge. CLOWN rums after COLUMBINE,
who evades his grasp, and CLOWN runs into arms of HARLEQUINA.
CLOWN.-Hollo! here's another guy !
[HARLEQUINA in dumb show implores CLOWN to listen to her addresses.
CLOWN firmly but respectfully declines. HARLEQUINA stamps with
rage, but CLOWN is adamant. She implores him in dumb show to
return her letters, but he refuses.
(N..-In the original piece Pantaloon is Columbine's brother, but in this
edition of it he isn't.)
PANTALOoN.-Oh, Joey! Here's a nice little gal! C'k, my dear-
(poking her in the ribs)-c'k c'k sly dog, Joey!
[HARLEQUINA slaps him on the face, and then slaps CLOWN, arnd exit.
CLOWN slaps PANTALOON, thinking that PANTALOON slapped him.
CLOWN.--Move hon, or I'll smash yer !
PANTALOON.-Yes, that's right! Smash him, Joey! Smash him!
[They chop him into small pieces. Exit POLICEMAN, vowing vengeance.
SCENE 2.-Clown's apartment. Trip HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE.
Enter CLOWN wheeling PANTALOON.
CLOWN.-NOW then, who wants to buy any Galvanic Navigation
Company's shares ?
PANTALOON.-I do, Joey. I do! I do! How much, Jooy ?
CLOWN.-Five thousand pounds, seven ounces, and a bushel and a
'arf. [Knock.
PANTALOON.-Here's a customer, Joey.
CLowN.-Show the gentleman in.
Enter HIIARLEQUIN, disguised as a customer.
CLOWN.-Now, sir, what can I come for to go for to bring for to
carry for to fetch ?
[HARLEQUIN intimates that he wants some Galvanic Navigation shares.
CLOWN.-Show the gentleman some shares.
[Shows him several pails full. HARLEQUIN expresses dissatisfaction, and
insists upon having .Harlequina's letters. CLOWN eventually produces
them, and exit HARLEQUIN.
CLOWN (in a great rage).-Move hon, or I'll smash yer!

PANTALOON.-Yes, that's right, smash him, Joey Smash him!
[CLOWN runs him through, with a red-hot poker, then CLOWN arMd PAN-
TALOON tear him limb from limb. :xxit POLICEMAN V-owing ren anee.
SCENE 3.-Harlequin's home. Trip, HARLEQWIN and COLuMBlNE. alillet
of guests. Pas do deux, Mn. and Mis. MILDMAY.
Enter PANTALOON ini ridiculous evening dress.
PANTALOON.-Oh dear, oh dear! I wish Joey would come. I say
Spangles, it's getting awfully slow.
HArLEQUIN (aside to 'an taloon).-Yes, this wretchle half hour before
dinner. How shall we amuso them ?
PANTALOON.-Show them some conjuring.
HAILEQUIN.-I will. (Aloud). Ha-hem-have you seen my new
trick ? Simplest thing in the world. Observe, I take this table which
has nothing on it, I slap it thus, and a magnificent diner 4 la/ riuss
appears. (Guests applaud, offer their arms to their respective ladies, and
prepare to devour it.) No, you don't. Slap and it disappears again.
Not bad, is it? [Guests don't seem to see it.
SERTANT.-Mr. Joey.
Enter CLOWN. He runs at everybody, kisses all the ladies, upsets all the
gentlemen, picks then up in the usual way, knocks them down a$ ain,
they get up-rally.
CLOWN.-W ell, Mr. Spangles, hero we are again.
POLICEMAN.-Yes, and here we are again. I want you. Charge of
CLOWN.-If yor don't move hon, I'll sma-
POLICEMAN.-No yeu don't. [Handcuffs him.
No longer through the town shall Mildmay roam,
Come all of you unto my fairy homne!
[Seene changes to Realms of Unapproachable Stillness, with Peal Still
Waters Rally. Coloured fire.

A REPORT of a meeting of a Conservative Duilding Association in
Hoerefordshire, in 17. Ifermbford Times of last month, throws some light
on the bold frnTIt which that party is able to show on a very imnall
foundation. We extract a portionof the discussion:-
"MIr. SnELLARD asked if he were correct in supposing, according to the printed
conditions, that every building member was restricted from coming within four feet
of his boundary line on each side.
"After some consultation among the gentlemen representing the society, an
answer was given in the affirmative.
Mr. SIIELLARD: Then there must' ." Lf r. i 1. 1 1, .- nich ) plof
"t Lord RANELAGII said that was no i ..1.h r.. .....- to the plan and con-
Mr. SHE:LLAiI : On your smallest allotments you stipulate tlatno house slhall be
built of less value than 225, and you will find that thie extreme widl of those
allotments is 17 feet 6 inches; taking from that 8 feet, you have only i tleli 6 inches
left on which to build a house which you specify must be of the value of 225."
No wonder they talk about having a stake in the country when they
can get buildings of such value erected on lease on such small plots
of ground. But they must expect tihe tenants who have to run up
the houses will run down their landlords.

The Cattle Plague.
A FRIEND in the country sends us the last thing about the Cattle
Plague. (Of course, we must talk about that to be in tashion now.)
A butcher applied to a Petty Sessions in C.(,,i. ;.1,_. -.;... for leave to
remove a certain fat pig in order to kill it. I I. r.... in (ho was a
parson) informed him that leave could not he grated (or grunted, if
you like, as it was about a pig), but that lie might have leporsi1siioii to
kill the animal where it was-but lie must not remove the skin Shiidh
of Elia! Tutelary Genius of crackling Imagine skinning a pig. We
have heard of the shavine- of one by a certain personage, but even tbiat
was shear nonsense. W.. it .-, lihowever, another slill more extraordi-
nary story about the Cattle Plague. Will our readers believe that a
MRu. BATEMAN, at an anti-Ritualisim meeting held at lanley in York-
shire last month, actually stated that it was a judgment on the country
for not opposing the Maynooth Grant ? Really the disease seems to
have spread to the donkeys.

Going, Going, Very Cheap!
A rxnsox called JAMES TAI.YLO, a coric" singer, put himself up
to auction before a doubtless select gathering of publicans and music-
hall keepers at Glasgow the other day. Strange to say, he was even-
tually knocked down. We should have thought he had gone too low
for that.

*- 1- i .[MARCH 17, 1866.

Clara (who is going out sopping):-" ACTI, DEAR, WHAT SIZE SHALL I GET YOUR GLOVES ? "

GENTLE March, benignant thing! THE .ADY ALICIA BE JEEE had been left an orphan under the most
Come with early frosts of Spring, extraordinary circumstances-to be explicit, by the death, at various
Come with rain, and come with snow, periods, of her father and her mother. The former had been a wealthy
And with wind-oh, blow it-blow hosier in Chepe, in the days when Chepe was dear. He had been
Come with frost-nipt flowers that try raised to the dignity of Mayor, and had been so great and famous a
All in vain to ope an ee man in his day that SIR ALURED DE VERE wooed the hosier's daughter
Come with sleet, and come with gale, and made her his bride, very properly at St. Bride's Church, in Fleet.
Come-and be of course, all hail! It was averred of the scandalous that SIR ALURED was more enamoured
n b, of the fair lady's prospects than her person.
Come with sweet rheumatic twinge Grievously, therefore, was he disappointed-if that rumour was true
To each stiffened nervous hinge- -when, upon the death of the reputed rich merchant, it was found
Rack my back, my arms, my knees, that his wealth was chimerical, and that, in fact, he was much in debt,
Come and give me tortures, please. and all his assets were his stock in trade and the furniture of his
house, which latter he bequeathed to SIa ALURED'S spouse, and which
Come with chilblains, come with chaps, Ssu ALURED, for fear of the creditors, carried out of the house ere the
Come, and think you're welcome, p rhaps. breath of the old merchant was fairly out of his body.
Come-correct me, if I'm wrong- But a houseful of old furniture was not that for which he had wed
Ain't you coming it too strong ALcIA, and so he began to behave harshly to her, and to speak scorn-
fully at her, and in other ways make her life a misery.
TO BE SOLD! Alacke!" said that fair lady one day, when she sat, as she fancied
.E wish to cl te a n of th nt-l Sciey t alone, at her broidery frame. Alacke! had my father but died rich
WE wish to call the attention of the Anti-Slavery Society to a case and left us something handsome, my husband might still love me!"
of the sale of a human being going on under their very noses. It is The old NANCE, the LADY ALIcIA's nurse, who had tended her from
'to be found in an advertisement in the Daily Telegraph, of the childhood, and was currently reported to be imbecile and in her second
23rd ultimo:- childhood, chanced to be in the chamber unperceived.
A CHILD'S CAUL for SALE, 2.-Apply by letter, to A. W., 4, A- Also "And who said your noble father did not die wealthy, sweet
a single person as Companion Lodger. Terms moderate. Apply by letter at child ?" said the old woman.
the above address. Nay, NAKN c, my nurse, his empty coffers spake for themselves!"
Here is evidently a single person for sale on moderate terms, as well Now nay, again, sweet nursdling," said the old woman, knows't
as a child's caul, and the Society should feel called on to interfere, thou the oak chest which wont to stand in thy father's attic F"
their boast being that not a single person in England can be bought or Aye, by my troth! Marry, and doth it not now stand in our fuel-
sold, whereas here is a case in point, cellar ?"
-F U -.J%

sold, whereas here is a case in point. cellar P"


MARcH 17, 1866.] IF U N 7

Hast ever looked therein, my child ?" said the old crone, had three half-quarterns running' as hot as she could drink 'em. So
mysteriously. I'm very careful about carts through a-knowin' my danger, as the
That was enough! The LADY ALICIA flew down the winding stair sayin' is.
to the very basement of the mansion. With infinite trouble she made I says, I calls it a downright tamperin' with Providence the way
her way through the fuel-cellar to the remote corner where the oak as they drives about hero ;" but what is worse than all is them livery
chest stood. Sorely she bruised her delicate fingers and broke her stablekeepers a-breakin'-in their horses, as is their business, but not
filbert nails in forcing up the heavy lid. But at last it rose. the airy railings as they did opposite the week afore last, and pinned
The LAnDY ALICrA looked into it-gave one piercing shriek and fell the old gentleman up in the doorway as lives next door but three, and
on the floor in a swoon. was out a-takin' his airin's, as is his 'abits, though that lhme as to be
What had she discovered ? reduced to a walkin'-stick and umberella to get along, as makes my
Three largo black-beetles and a slug. heart come in my mouth whenever I sees him cross the street, as a
butcher's cart will be the end on some day, as sure as over it happens ,
THE ENDa. as happenn it will.
SWell, to see that break as they calls it, and a break it was, for it
smashed in them airy rails as if they was nothing and to see that
MRS. BROWN ABOUT TOWN. young horse a-strugglin' down in that airy, as was very nigh the
death of the manservant a-goin' out for the coals, as ho must have fell
I wAs a-stayin' with Mus. CHADWIcic, as was down with rheumatic upon if he'd been a minute sooner.
fever, and my own first cousin, and lives housekeeper to a family near As to that 'orso there wasn't no eticatin' him till they throwed
the Marble Arch, as you can see the park from the top winders if you down trusses of straw as brought him upl to thlio level of the pavement,n,
puts your head out far enough, though it's not a thing as I should as was split to bits, and must have been the death of any one as was
think of doin' myself, for it looks had, and well I knows how easy it under. It's a mercy it wasn't a pernmiultator and twins, as 'appiln'ed
is to get a crick in the neck, as Mis. C )nAnics did herself a-leanin' in Portman-square, as nothing' would have saved but the hor,'e
from the top winder a-tryin' to see the PIXICEss or WALEs brought a-slippin' hisself and breaking' his leg, as was slaughtered on the spit,
into London; not the one as I can just remember parted from her and adisgustin' sight, and did not ought to be allowed carried through
husband, bein' faults of both sides, through her bein' addicted to the streets on them carts, as gives me that turn as I can't bear to see;
liquor, and him a downright wagabone, as I'd have brought to his and as to breaking' horses, why can't they do it in them country lines,
senses pretty quick if he'd been a husband of mine. I means the as is fit places for them till they knows how to behave theirselves in
present one, as seems a nice young couple, and getting' their family the streets.
about 'em, as is pr'aps as well, though BRowN is sometimes a bit And to see the father of families knocked down by errand carts, as
huffy about the money as they costs; but I always says, What do never looked up agin, and the housemaid at the corner of the Edge-
it signify how much they have if they do but spend it proper ? as of ware-road st-ppin' out of the 'bus, through being' her day out, and
course they do, like their gracious Majesty their ma, as must give never even spoke, as I do believe must have been one of them penny
away millions, let alone what she spends, for we all knows as ones, though I must say the three-horse is the pleasantest to lide in,
money is like dressing it's no good if it ain't spread about, as the but did ought to be careful.
sayin' is. As to them 'busmen they gets desperate no doubt, not as that man
Well, as I was a-sayin', Mns. CHADWlCK and me was a-settin' at did ought to have swore at me the way he did for stopping' him short
that very parlour winder, through the family bein' away, with the in the middle of Oxford-street last week.
blinds open and all done up in newspapers and brown Holland, and Do you wish to alight here ?" says he. No," says I.
her down-stairs for the first time. What is it, then ?" says hoe. Don't drive so fast," says I,
I says, "AzN CHADWICK, you seems to have a deal of traffic about "you'll be the death of some one."
here." She says, "Believe me, MARTHA BROWN, or believe me not, I never heard any-thin' like that man's rcmarkis over my eand to
my life is a terror to me, that it is, through them vehicles as invests the coachman, let alone the names lie called me to my face, a-tikin'
the place, as the sayin' is. advantage of mte boin' alone in the 'bus, as I took his number ; but, law
I says, "You don't say so." She says, "I do; for," she says, bless you, what's the use of that? who's to go and wasto a whole day
"what with buses and wans, to say nothing' of cabs as is overloaded a-punishin' of him, as is only puiishin' his wife and children after
a-comin' tearin' along like mad, as is enough for to shake the house all ? but certainly it is hurtful to the feeling's to be called them
down with their rumblins, the place is like perpetual earthquakes." epitaphs as belongs by rights to the beasts of the field, as the
Well," I says, "since I've been here, as is now hard on three sayin' is.
weeks, I've been quite took a-back to see how things goes on, as I Well, I says, it's a-blessin' as Parliament is a-settin', because
shouldn't have thought would have been allowed in the West-end, pr'aps if they knock one of them down they'd 'ave a act at once is
with a alderman livin' in the street, as is his duty to look after them would be down on them furious diivins; but I will say as the police
things." did ought for to take up every cait as hasn't got the name wrote out-
For really they don't pay no more attention than nothing' when side in a audible way, and in my opinion thnem tradesCinn's carts, as
they drives, and I've been splashed from head to foot myself with is left at airy doors unprotected, and the young man a-wastin' of his
nothing' but abuse if you says a word, and bits of boys a-drivin' as time and the cook's too at the kitchen-door, didn't ought to le allowed;
can't have no power over the horse, as I see one myself in a butcher's not as I've any objection to them friendly chats as has l d to 'appy
cart drive that violent, and no redress through the name not being' matches, as the saying' is, but that ain't the time nor place, and pir'aps
wrote on 'em at all, and never at the back, as they did ought to be, the children's dinner obliged to be late through the joint not a-comnin',
for to be able to indemnify them a-lashin' the horse like mad for to as throws everyone out.
escape the consequences, as knocked down a old woman in Quebec- As to them dust-carts they're a downright pestilence, and so is
street a-goin' to the Edgeware-road on a errand as she required, and 'avin' in coals, as did ought to be done like the sweeps and scavengers,
as luck would have it the wheel come off, or must have scrunched her early in the morning ; for I've heard lins. CHADWICK say often as the
into anatomy. drawin'-room has been filled with coal dust through next door 'avin'
I says, "1 wouldn't live in such a place if you was to crown me; in their coals about eleven o'clock with the windows open on a line
for well I remembers many years ago a-goin' with a friend of mine moinin', and a clean toilet-cover regular begrimed, to say nothing' of
in the name of Mas. ADAnS, as did families' washin' at Peckham for white counterpanes and bed-furniture.
to take it home. ... I'm sure I'd have everything' black if I lived at the West-end, for it's
It was more for the ride than the pleasure as made me go with her downright beastly, and no wonder families keeps down in the country
to a house near Fitzroy-square, with as steady a man to drive as ever as long as ever they can; not as I should care to do it, but really
you see, and however he kep' on I can't think, for lie had nothing' to if things go on as they are there won't be no livin' in London, for we
set on but the edge of a clothes-basket as projected in front, and I had shall all be run over and poisoned with dirt, as you must eat a peck
nothing' better than a perch for myself, as may suit a bird, but on afore you dies, as the sayin' is; but it's my opinion as them as
don't me. lives in London musis eat many a bushel, as may account for patties
Well, wewasinTottenham-court-road as theycallsit,as isridikerlous, a-gettin' so tremenjous stout, as MIs. CuuADWICK have done lately,
through it's bein' a downright paved street, as well I knows the hard- for what don't poison fattens, as the sayin' is.
ness on, when if three roughs didn't come along their wrong side
uppermost shoutin' out tremendous. Our man pulls out of their way,
and run slap agin a 'buss with a coal waggon behind. I heard a Moral Sentiment for Lovers of Progress.
crack, I felt a jolt, over I went, and if it hadn't been as it was linen
as fell on me I should have been a pancake for flatness. PnAISE of the past at the expense of the present, usually comes
If you'd seen the way as that were broke, shipwrecks was a fool to it, from persons who have been born a century or two too late. Those
and poor MRs. ADAis that doubled up with her little finger put out, who are behind the age are naturally the most tempted to give it a
as I didn't think we should never straighten her agin, though she kick.


A,:.cir 17, 8I M.

Donald (who was taking someth ing at a friend's expense last night) :-" EH,

PROGRESS is a mighty thing-
This at least's the current notion,
Poets all the praises sing
Of the world's perpetual motion.
Nought can ever cheek the tide
Of the onward rolling ages!"
So they say; and view with pride
History's progressive pages.
Progress vanquishes all foes;
Time is at a stand-still never;
Each new year new triumphs knows;
We are better off than ever.
Oh, the age is very great;
Still it is not less a fact I
Somehow, have become of late
Temiporis laudator acti.
Progress is net to my mind;
Though the world be onward moving,
I care little when I find
That my state is not improving.
If with time to keep its pace
Fortune's constantly refusing,
Who can feel that in the race
He is otherwise than losing ?
Progress! once I deemed it true!
Prospects once were bright and smiling,
Friends were many, foes were few,
Tradesmen civil and beguiling!
Funds and hopes-a plenteous share-
One by one I've seen them dwindle !
Progress! pshaw! the whole affair
Is one grand gigantic swindle!
What to me has Progress brought ?
Disappointment and confusion!
Faith, the very name means nought
But mere mockery and delusion!
Let some bard's mistaken rhymes
Hymn her praise and chaunt her glories,
Giye me back the "Good old times,"
Ere I trusted such vain stories.

THE poet CAMr3PELL, than whom I am sure a more energetic bard
though a little less generally read than he used to be, has remarked
'Tis the sunset of life gives us mystical lore,
And coming events cast their shadows afore "
Such are my own sentiments, although the old man is still worth half-
a-dozen sunsets any day in the week. This period, however, is that
which is alluded to casual by another bard to the effect that
Old experience did attain
To something like prophetic strain."
The "prophetic strain of NIcerOLAS is "something like !"
In this, the First Number of the Third Volume of the New Serious,
the Prophet will take a comprehensive glance (like a bird) over the
sportive world, and tell you what I see there. If you like, Sir, you
can put it in the form of a Vision, and calling of it
Ha! Iha
I see a multitude, a mighty multitude-eve;" so many coves, in
point of fact, from Britannia's Hlope and Cambria's Pride, riding on
horseback and smoking of a princely Iavannah. down to the promis-
cuous Welshar and the casual tout.
I see a broad and open heath, truly spacious, and affording an
il1.1. opportunity forjhe favourite old English sport of running the
1 '*. i by next May.
The Prophet's gaze stretches far and wide. I see them-at last, at
last! They're offt!
IFho has i'on ?
The Prophet's gaze suddenly becomes cloudy and obscure, as if

NICiHOLAs had had too much to drink over night, though, goodness
knows, it was only a casual glass of sherry wine, and stood him by
a relative, for the matter of that.
Who are the First Three ?
The Prophet's gaze cannot tell you at present, my noble sportsmen;
but would only advise you not to put your money on Lord Lyon.

Ha! ha!
I see a multitude, a mighty multitude-ever so many coves, in
point of fact, from Britannia's Hope and Cambria's Pride, standing
on the paddle-box and smoking of a princely Havannah, down to the
promiscuous stoker and the low bargee.
I see the noble river, Father Thames.
Hail to the Prophet's gaze, ye noble Father Thames!
Ha! ha!
These are the children of Cambridge, that splendid old Alma Mater
at which NICBOLAs did not receive the greater portion of his early
Yonder sit the sons of Oxford, a famous University, to which the
same personal remark applies.
They're off! The Prophet shouts like a good 'un. It is a glorious
struggle! Well rowed, thou plucky Cantabs! Bravo, thou strong
Oxonians !
TV/ho has won ?
Wouldst ye know, thou sportive public? Then gaze upon the
rosette worn by NICHOLAS after the race, one of two which he brought
down with him so as to be prepared for whatever might happen!
Gaze upon that rosette, and ye know the winner.

Ha! ha!
I see a multitude, a mighty multitude-ever so many coves, in
point of fact, but Britannia's Hope and Cambria's Pride is not present,
and (accordingly) is not smoking of a princely Havannah. In fact,


MARCH 17, 1866.] F U" 11 .

take it as a whole, the crowd is rather a low one than princially T 0 PSY- TURV Y PAPER S.
composed of men of rank and title.
Wouldst thou know what mysterious purpose has brought them Tin TnIEOtY or LLVITATION.
hither ?
"We wouldst," ye answer. Listen to your NICHOLAS. Perhaps IT would be a mere waste of time to enumerate the instances in which
you think it is the fight between MI.CE and Goss? Perhaps you mankind has come to grief through apples. From the age of Ano i to
would like a tip? that of Sit ISAAC NNEWTON the seductive but indigestible pippin has
No, thou credulous subscribers! been the instrument of woe to most people calling themselves human
Look at yonder couple 'Tis ey beings. It is to the latter example of its pernicious agency that we
The Prophet's gaze outvies that of the ordinary eagle as he bends trace the popular and consequently erroueiois theory called (,ravita-
his glittering orbs upon a public place in the neighbourhood of tion. Biograplhy tells us that the author of the l'rineipia" was one
Sheffield, and marks the merry sport. afternoon walking in his orchard--the only peculiarity, by the way, ill
which he seems to have resembled 1AMILET s fathor-wlihen a coiiiion
THEY ARE PLAY1NG AT KxcNLU AND SPELL. apple, by descending with great force and rapidity on his distracted
Ha! ha! NICHOLAS. globe of a head, perplexed the cerebral functions to such an extent
A Glasgow correspondent is thanked, and shall be attended to next that the principle of Gravitation was what came of it. Sit lsAAC, who
week. after all was justly punished for going into tlte open air witliout a hat
I have a good thing for the Two Thousand. and wig, fancied that he had found out some peculiar power of attrac-
tion in the earth by which that apple descended instead of rising or
remaining at its previous level. had ie been present at the time, our
first impulse would have been to laugh consuisedly ; our second would
t' I 'UlT have been to do for his absurd theory exactly what the apple had done
for himt-i.e., to knock it on the head. "IKExY," wO should hlave said,
WE haven't met, old boy, for years- "this notion of yours is not bad by way ofajoke, but as a philosophical
For years! Why, you may say for ages speculation it won't hold water. If thie earth has a weakness for att rcet-
And you've been in the Carbineers, ing apples, pray why should this apple in particular be selected, and
And I have been among the sages, why should all tlie others remain suspended ? If you examine tlihe stalk
Of British wrongs in foreign land you'll find itrotten, IKEY ; and that is the cause of the accident, after
You've been the fortunate redresser; all. When other stalks rot, other apples will fall; and perhaps in
I, at King's College in the Strand, future you'll have sense enough to keep out of their way. In the
Have been a sort of sub-professor. meantime let us remind you that, if you have the slightest pretension
to the name of a philosopher, you should never assign more than one
When we were lads-alas, the days !- cause for one effect. An apple falls; that's the effect. The stalk is not
lMATHEWS was new in his vocation, strong enough to keep it from falling; there's your cause, I KiEY."
You looked to SUiAKSPEARE for your plays, This is precisely the method by which we should have nipt, Gravita-
And PLANCHni was an innovation. tion in the bud; but scarcely content with so easy a victory, we should
You had your dinner at your club, have gone on to suggest in our turn a principle directly opposed to
An English dinner, good and gory, that of NEWTON-tlhe principle of Levitation. We should have taken
(For which you'd finely up to dub), the very illustration brought forward by our opponent, and asked him
And were a Whig or else a Tory. how it is possible for an apple-treo to rise one single inch above the
soil without acting in evident opposition to his so-called law ? All
And now! we're neither this nor that, vegetation, in fact, gives a distinct contradiction to it; and we cannot
GLADSTONE' not quite in error, is he ? find a better proof of Levitation-the attracting power of the sky-than
BRIGHT sometimes says a something pat ; the instinct of growth in vegetables and human beings; that irresistible
And one's not always pleased with DIzzy. yearning to leave the dull cold earth as far benucath as possible, and
Then English dinners-very plain commune with stars on a footing of personal intimacy.
About this time far better we know, The followers of NEWTON may arguo that, although each day of
Confound old port-we'll have champagne, growth takes our heads farther from the ground, we are never altogether
With dinner at the Solferino. able to isolate the soles of our feet from it. Our answer is, Why
Dinner, Chartreuse, and a cigar ; should we do so ? Thoe power of Levitation is limited; we never denied
What then ? One thing that never fails is that. But its limitation is no proof of its non-existence. Moreover,
The theatre ;-it's a little far- there are two sides to this question. We will admit that people are
But still we'll say the Prince of Wales's. not in the habit of walking about several inches above the ground ;
There's no burlesque-that I'll engage- can our adversaries prove that they often walk about several inches
Has puns so plentifully spilt on, beneath it ? We defy them.
And there's no actress on the stage Believers in Gravitation would suppose, no doubt, that in the
As piquante as fair MARIE VILTON. simplest shower of rain they have a convincing illustration of their
theory. We implore these gentlemen to obtain an early lesson in
And there's Society-it's odd natural science by taking a walk through the long gray fields at
If we, two sons of Oxford College," night"-if we may be allowed to quote from the works of the poet,
Don't quite appreciate y,-"i r, JOHN CnoDD- MR. TENNYSON-and watching the mist which arises from the earth in
An old acquaintance y"- 'ii acknowledge, obedience to the law of Levitation. It is out of this vapour, we beg
Last, off to EVANS'S, which brings to inform them, that rain is made : and the fall of the latter depends
Old memories back with every "tatur ;" entirely on the rise of the former. We have a lingering doubt in our
Where we can talk-while SIDNEY sings- own mind on the subject of rain. It appears to us that the small
About old times at Alma Mater. quantity of it which falls on this earth hardly accounts for the dense
volumes of mist which are drawn to the clouds. Is it not possible that
It's bosh to laud the past-that's poz a shower should occasionally rise-to the other side of the clouds, and
Of bygone things who'd be regretter, force the inhabitants of the planets to put up their umbrellas ?
Why BYRox is what PLAxAck was: We beg to leave this interesting question as a legacy to some un-
The world's no worse-if it's no better. born COXWELi..-somo GLAISHtER of the future--and at the same time,
And we who haven't met for years, to call the attention of the whole scientific world to our unassuming
Don't deal in sentimental folly: little theory of Levitation.
Truce to regrets and sighs and tears :
We'll make a night on't, and be jolly !
_______________ Travellers' Tales.
THE latest reports of the Palestine Exploration state that it has got
French Intelligence. as far as Tel Hum, by the 20th January. Well, wo suppose that all
IT is stated that green peas have made an abundant appearance in travellers-even travellers in the Holy Land-must come to that
the restaurants at Paris. The French got their peas from Algeria now, at last.
which accounts for it. And really they ought to get some peas from
there, for it has supplied them with war long enough. LE PREMIER rA8.
A CORESnPONDENT wants to know whether the DuKE OF SOMERSET
No allusion to his recent speech on Ireland. is the Turnover so frequently advertised for in the Times.

Ir.ncii 17, 1866.

you want to give an old friend a great treat, set him to ride a great, rough, raw-boned, raking, rushing, pulling, untiring, ticklish half-bred,
with short pasterns, clipped legs, and no mouth, over a lot of short furze.

EVERYONE will be glad to hear that on Monday Mn. AraTHUn
SKETCHLEY commenced a fresh season and a new entertainment at
the Egyptian Hall. The title of the new entertainment is Mrs. Brown
at Home and Abroad, a title almost exhaustive as that of our sportive"
contemporary (as NIcuOLAS would style it) Land and Water. Mi.
SKETCHLEY, however, only introduces us to the respected lady on a
tour down the Thames and up the Rhine. New scenery from the
brush of MR. JAMEs is added as a further attraction, commencing
with a bustling view of the Thames at Billingsgate, and passing by
Greenwich, Erith at sunset, and Ramsgate at night, to the open sea.
After a peep at Boulogne, we are introduced to the d lightful Rhine,
in a series of views all so good that it seems almost invidious to
particularise that ot the Lorelei Berg as an exquisite picture. Through-
out the trip the immortal Mas. B. abounds in that philosophy and
those reflections which have rendered her beloved to so many. An
agonising narrative about sprats will bring tears to many eyes-of
course we mean tears born of laughter-while those who love the
worthy lady-and who does not ?-will tremble to hear how her trip
to Rosherville nearly lost her to them entirely, for who would Mus.
BItowN have become, supposing her husband had carried to a successful
issue before BaoxN WyiLE the case of BuowN v. BUtowN ? We
need hardly say we wish the most popular of entertainers a prosperous
The PRINCE or WAITs, we are glad to see, was so pleased with
his evening's amusement at the little theatre which bears his name,
that last week he brought the Princess to enjoy the treat. This is a
high honour to the little house in Tottenham-strct, for it is the first of
the smaller theatres that Her Royal Highness has honoured with her
presence. The Royal party are reported to have been much interested
and highly amused, and we are glad to hear it, for they must require
a little relaxation of this sort amid all the starch of Court routine and
This afternoon a performance will take place at Covent Garden for

the benefit of Mn. HENRY Conar, whose severe illness has for some time
withdrawn him from the lyric stage. The programme begins with a
concert supported by the best singers. A scene from the Willow Copse
follows, and the whole is wound up by the tavern scene from the
Ticket-of-Leave Man. Such a programme ought to ensure the success
which everyone wishes the undertaking.

NORA CREINA hopes we shall not crush her with an answer-
Brusque replies,
At some we shies-
But not at you, sweet NonA CREINA."
MILLIE is the Latin for one in a thousand, or a thousand in one. But
our MILLIE is only sweet and twenty," which is much too young to become
a comic writer. But we could advise her !
L. L. D. asks a stupid riddle, and says, "sold !" at the end. He should
have said "old !" L. L. D. evidently can't even be rude with any
W. E. A., Portsmouth, sends us a trifle-nescio quid as the classical
would say-about "tobacco" and "choose," but it is so old that FrN
eschews it.
Declined with thanks-E. P. and H. M., Luton; J. S. and J. W.,
Glasgow; Yelrap, Liverpool; W. M., Belfast; M. W., Herts; C. R.,
Lincoln's-inn; F. H. F., Birmingham; W. B. C.; W. P. B.; A hypo-
chondriac; R. P. S.

ZVOTICE.-From the commencement of this Volume will be pub-
lished, in addition to the usual issue at One Penny, a Special Edition of
each number at Twopence, carefully printed on superfine ash-grey toned
paper. Terms of Subscription :-Stamnped, 13s.; Unstamnped, 8s. 8d. per
"Fun," tons les Mereredis, chez MESSRS. W. S. KIRKLAND ET CIE.,
Rue de Richelieu, NYo. 27, Paris.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phrn'x Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street. E.C.-.March 17, 1566.



MI-Ac 24, 1866.]
IMARCH 24, 1866.]




-n N

-i t- .- -- -

~ ~L-Y


WE may mention among the fashionable departures for the season,
Mr. and Mrs. Rip Van Winkle for the balmy shores of Manchester.
The interesting couple will be accompanied on their tour by Mln.
JEFFERSON and M I. BILLINGTON, of the Adelphi, to whose kind at-
tentions they owe so much of the comfort they have experienced since
their departure from the village of Falling (out) Waters.
MA. TOM TAYLonR's drama of Henry .Dunbar is shortly to be with-
drawn at the Olympic. The success of this piece has caused many
adaptations from the same novel to be made by less skilful hands.
" Pirates are informed," as MR. CHARLES READE would express it,
that title is copyright, and so those ingenious persons who build upon
other men's successes must not call their compilation Henry -Dunbar.
Might we suggest to them to christen their concoctions Henry J.
.Dunbar. They are welcome to the suggestion which is given them
with every contempt.
Talking of Henry J., M l. HENIY J. BYRON's burlesque of Iranioc
has been revived at the Strand with great success, and i1 ;r. of the
Strand, let us mention that the PRINCE OF WALES ult. ri|.1 that
theatre the other evening.
The Belle Ifflbne is to be produced at the Adelphi, at least so says
the Adelphi playbill, which has told the same tale for the last three
months. We wonder if the Belle LIdlen will be played at the Adelphi?
It took nine years to get OFFENBACH'S Orpheus over here, and Helen
the Fair" is hardly two years old. Mi. NicuoLAS, the Sporting
Prophet attached to this paper, than whom a more mendacious old
person, though a little vain, is constantly announcing the appearance
of a work on the interesting subject of Knurr and Spell." Possibly
the Adelphi EHd/nc will make her ddbut on the same day.
That burlesque at the Victoria must have turned our brain. How
could we have been so silly ? A thousand pardons, Miss FANNY

LOWLY and sadly the rhymester, undrilled and undrillablo
Into the ranks of the heavy brigade of,
Nibbles a pen at the sight of some tough polysyllabl',
Racking his brain at the thought of a jingle to follow.

Vainly I covet a draught of the water of I Hllicon-
Sigh for Parnassus, the laurel-and-palmn-cov'rd mountain.
Mine are the brows that no sprig hath been laid, as a relic, on ;
Mine are the lips that have never been laved by that fountain.

Whom shall I summon? Which daughter of thine, 0, MNEMOSYNE,
Cares to descend when a bard in a fix may importune ?
Which of the Graces ? 0, hast thou a sister, EurIInosYNE,
Able and willing to listen to one in misfortune ?

Muses of Comedy, Tragedy, Singing, et cretera ;
How is a writer on dress to invoke your assistance ?
Graces, I worship you all; but 1 look for no better a
Chance if you come, than I do if you stop at a distance.

EVE to the lady I love : what a terrible span it is!
Back from our chimney-pot hats to the costume of ADAM.
What a terrific array of the pomps and the vanities,
Looking from Eden as far as your milliner's, madam.

How many cycles away in the earth's juvenility
Was it, I wonder, that people began to consider
Clothes as a matter of luxury, not of utility ?
That calculation I leave to a much higher Bidder.

How many centuries off-in what ago of obscurity
Was it, I wonder, that somebody tried a cosmetic;
Growing in taste, but retreating a little in purity-
Throwing the moral away to improve the aesthetic ?

IIELEN or TROY had a manner of making her dresses up
Neatly enough ; though, it may be, a little too flighty.
Ladies of old were coquettish in tying their tresses up;
So I imagine, at least, from a peep at the Clytic.

Are we advancing, or are we becoming degenerate ?
Not that I care for a minute to settle the matter ;
Two little things I must manage to settle, at any rate-
One is a bill from a tailor, and one's from a hatter.

MonGAN, for calling you a CLAnA. The mistake was unpardonable,
seeing that FANNY is the name of names to this over-susceptible hl art
of ours, from reasons which we shall be happy to explain to you in
confidence at the earliest opportunity.
On Saturday next Miss MAsoN, who has too long been absent front
the stage, takes a benefit at the Royalty, where she will be well sup-
ported by the profession. We are glad to think this re-appearance
most probably heralds her return to the boards.

We stop the press to say that the eclle tIdlcne is announced to be
produced at the Adelphi.

Fun's Prophecy on the Oxford and Cambridge.
Whether Isis or Cam,
The dark blue, or light blue,
Will turn out the right blue.
But of this I'm secure-
As certain and sure
As that I am a sinner-
That one will be Nwiinonr,
And quite as sure too, sir,
That one will be loser.
]ut whichever it Leo,
It's apparent to me
They'll start fair for the race,
And row a good pace,
And they'll win with good heat, and they'll lose with good grace.


[MARCH 24, 1866.


navvies, as my readers will remember, have to sing he's a jolly good
fellow," in a drunken, qut-of-tune fashion. Lo, and behold at the
first rehearsal at Covent-garden they sang it in first-rate style, with
exquisite harmony. Manager expostulates, "had he wanted them to
BY THE SAUNTERER I- SOCIETY. sing in tune they wouldn't have done it, but as he paid 'cm to sing it
eform badly, why didn't they sing it badly ?" Whereupon one of the suiers
A much of a Iform explains, Oh, we're at the Opera now, sir!"
~ \Aill! Aafe mode-
(iJ tion, a mild me-
cannot awaken en- HAUNTED.
'.I., thuriasri, and
against which on- By o DEPRESSED CONTRIBUTOR.
a few discontents ThAUrrTED ? Aye, in a social way
n 2 n e r r disappoi ntld By a body of ghosts in a dread array,
x Inuelh indim actionr But no conventional spectres they-
--f: '" "' ', "i -" -l ,1'". grim, and tricky:
he (Chalcel of I quail at mine as I'd never quail
the Exchequer was, At a fine traditional spectre pale,
in opening up the With a turnip head and a ghostly wail,
-,.^ scheme, as nealy And a splash of blood on the dicky !
SIle for him to be, Mine'are horrible social ghosts,
Snt wound np with Speeches and women and guests and hosts,
r "- r :'ration. Weddings and morning calls and toasts,
a-s, w 4i e mar. bIn every bad variety:
^ _-'--J' M.uisi who may be Ghosts that hover about the grave
briefly described as Of all that is manly, free, and brave:
S-- "Low's novice." You'll find their names on the architrave
One or two small Of that charnel-house, Society.
Lo]DaBon l MorTAcu Black Monday-black as its school-room ink-
-next uttered their WVith its dismal boys that snivel and think
'- feeble hoots, and Of its nauseous messes to eat and drink,
then two or three And its frozen tank to wash in.
.' .. r '(" : moIre) c.'.n 1 with dockyards, pro- That was the first that brought me grief
testedl against the disfranchisement of dockyard men-one of the best And made me weep, till I sought relief
clauses in the bill, as they very well knew. Then came three sup- In an emblematical handkerchief,
porters of the measure, to whom succeeded Mn. Lumr, bewailing and To choke such baby bosh in.
dissatisfied. BAINES and Girosv XoN, for, were followed by IlOI 'MAN,
against, and a brilliant but vicious speech he made. The same line First and worst in the grim array-
was adopted by Lowa at the adjourned debate. What a masterly Ghosts of ghosts that have gone their way,
speech it was, but one can't help regretting that degradation of a great Which I wouldn't revive for a single day
intellect which it represents. After LOWE comes VILLIUERS, not a For all the wealth of PLUTus,-
mighty intellect, but a speaker much to the point. He acts as con- Are the horrible ghosts that school-days scared:
science to Lowr, and reminds him of the past, when he advocated the If the classical ghost that BrrTUs dared
very things he now deprecates. But of course the M.r. for Calne is Was the ghost of his Cmsar" unprepared,
too old a politician to let such a thing as conscience trouble him. A I'm sure I pity BaUTUS !
few more little guns follow, and then some brilliant volleys from
WHiTEsImi, more noisy than killing,however; but he's always amusing. I pass to critical seventeen:
Then rose F'AWCETT, the blind man, who can see better th'an most men The ghost of that terrible wedding scone,
in the House. His speech was a very fine one, a little too outspoken When an elderly colonel stole my queen,
at times to please sticklers for Parliamentary etiquette, but honest, And woke my dream of heaven!
earnest, and to the purpose. I prophecy a splendid future for FAwcTTrr. No school-girl decked in her nurse-room curbi
Then comes BIoGHT into the arena, defends the Government, and Was my gushing innocent queen of pearls,
punishes its enemies as only he can do it. No wonder he is so If she wasn't a girl of a thousand girls,
genuinely hated! From this point the debate dwindles. LORD She was one of forty seven!
Cai inorRNE vents a little twaddle to remind us that LounD ERORT
CCerL is not lost in his new title, and MR. HARDY says just enough, I I see 'he ghost of my first cigar-
hope, to make the University of Oxford blush for the mental calibre Of the thence-arising family jar-
of its representative. So the bill is read for the first time, the next f my maWhden brief (I was at the bar),
reading being fixed for the 12th of n xt month. It has been a stirring Of rWck I called the your worship
debate, but strange to say, the chief quarrel has been on the Liberal When Iwrenchod offi nockers, extinguished lights
side of the House. The Opposition as a party has been mute-only a And finished it up with holy fights,
few members on that side have sp,'ken, and they are men who musthich stroe n vain to hush up
talk or die. Possibly th e forces are being husbanded for the 12th of Which I strove i vain to hush up
April. Ghosts of fraudulent joint-stock banks,
Tun dog-the friend of man as he is called-seems likely to be Ghosts of "copy, declined with thanks,"
served as man generally serves his friend. Itis stated that dogs carry Of novels returned in endless ranks,
the cattle-plague, and their extermination has been proposed, and And a thousand more, I suffer:
nobody raised a voice against it except on behalf of the foxhounds, for The only line that'll fitly grace
selfish reasons. There's always an absurd fad about hydrophobia, My humble tomb, when I'verun my race,
started y alarmists and supported by ignorant practitioners, so that Is "Reader, this is the resting place
the dogs have a nice time of it at the hands of their "friends." But Of an unsuccessful duffer I"
the last form of the anti-canine mania has been started ipropoq of the
dog tax. Some humane person proposes that all dogs shall have I've fought them all, these ghosts of mine
collars (a badge of slavery for the friend of man), or in default be But the weapons I've used are sighs and brine,
destroyed if found in the streets. It positively provokes me to hear And now that I'm nearly forty-nine,
the noodles talk as they do about the superior animal. I should like Old age is my only bogy
to cut their ears, clip their tails, and set them to course rabbits for the For my hair is thinning away at the crown
rest of their mortal career. And the silver fights with the worn-out brown;
I'VE heard a funny anecdote about the rehearsal of tihe tavern scene And a general verdict sets me down
in the Ticket of Leave at Covent-garden for Comun's benefit. The As an irreclaimable fogy!


THE Athenvaum announces that the Eminent Spiritualist, Ml HIIoMr,
is about to appear as an actor on the London stage.
As we are always eager to give the public information on any head,
or any tale that can be unfolded, wo have great pleasure in being the
first to put before their eyes the play of lIamlet, as revised and re-
arranged for Ma. HOME expressly by the spirit of SHAKESPEARE
Our space, however, will not permit us to publish, at present, more
than one extract, being part of the First Act, Scene V.
SCENE.-A- t more remote part of the platform. HAMLET discovered sealed
at a small table (C.), on which his hands are superposed.
HAMarET (with a nasal twanu).-AWhither wilt thou lead me ? Speak,
I'llr rio' no longer.
Gircsi', (raps).-Marlk-- (tap).
THisAsex (eafger'y).-Tapley !
(; ... r ...- ,i Wait for the rest! Mark me!
HI itmla -li wilL.
On .' -. I -My hour is almost come
When- I tb credulous and demented dupes
Mbst render up myself.
HAMt LEr-Alas, poor Ghost!
GnosT':-P.ty me not; but lend me serious heariazg,
To learn what I unfold.
GHosT (,ap-).-I am thy father's spirit,
Doom'd'for a certain firm to talk at night,
And for the day confin'd too fast in tables,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature
Are turned and turned away. But that I am forbid
To tell the secrets of the DAVENPORTS,,
I could a-veil unfold, how tightest cords
Would vanish thro' the hole, free the young brother,
Make the two boys, like stars, start from their chairs,
Their knottings and combined locks to part;
How each particular airs for the banjo learnt,
And trills upon the fitful tambourine;
But this infernal treason must not be,
To ears of flesh and blood. *
Fare thee well at once!
The Glowi-worm shows the act drop to be near,
And grins to pall his ineffectual fire-
A do-a do-a do-remember me !
IAMLETr (pressing hard on table).-Hold Hold !
And you, my sinews, grow not instant cold,
Nor stand so stiffly up-Remember thee!
Ay, thou poor ghost, while mummery holds a seat
On this distracted globe Remember theo!
Yea-from the table, by my mesmery,
I'll wipe away all forms all pressures past.
(Table suddenly rises.)
My tables! Meet it is I set it down. (Sets it down.)
How one may smile, and smile to be a medium. (Ralping.)
So, uncle, there you are !
InA.-What news, my lord ?
HA_r.-O, wonderful!
TIrA.-Good, my lord, tell it.
11AM.- No.
You will reveal it.
IrrA.-Not I, my lord, by heaven.
MALn.-- Nor I, my lord!
11iAM.-There's ne'er a medium dwelling in all Denmark,
But he's an arrant knave!
ITR--There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave
To tell us this.
S TlAM.-I hold it fit that we join hands and art,
Such as it is-and for my own poor part,
Look you, I will go play.
GHOST (beneath).-Lend me a hand.
HlAM.-Come on-you hear this fellow in the cellarage.
(GHOST stumbles beneath and sirears.)
Rest, rest, perverted spirit. So, gentlemen,
Swear as before-never, so help you mercy,
How strange or odd soe'er I bear myself,
As I, perchance, hereafter shall think meet
To put an antique superstition on,
That you, at such times, never shall,
With arms encumber'd thus, or this head shake,
Or ly pronouncing of some doubting phrase,
As Well, well, we know," or We could an' if we would."
Note that you aught know of me. (They all swear horribly.)

Good victuals shall not lack:
And still your fingers on your nose.
! I pray let us go in i -... 0..
For mine is out of joint-U, cursed spite,
That ever SOTHERIN 1ose to set us right!
11AM.-O, the Recorders let me see one. (Ire sres one.)
(Flourish of trumpets. CHuAMurns let o1f.)
,* S ,,
This will suffice to show that we have good authority for what we
have already said as to the dictation of the play. And we sincerely
hope that Mfa. HOME will be called before the curtain by sustained
rappings; and that a goodly show of phantom hands will add applause
to crown his success.

Tui following communication speaks for itself:-
"DEAR FuN,-Yes; I will gladly contribute from time to time. I
notice what you say with regard to my stylo being somewhat archaic,
and I feel there is somo force in your objection; but I will do ry best
to assume a purely modern tone, and I will confine myself, as much as
possible, to topics of the day. With practice, I trust 1 shall suit you
tolerably well. I can hardly expect, at my time of life, to become a
A3ls. BicowN, or a NICHOLAs ; but, at any rate, I will do my little
best. The terms you mention are far, far beyond anything that I
have ever ventured to hope for. I: enclose an Idyll as a sample ; and
I am, always respectfully yours, A. T."
DELANE the fair, DELANE tIhe loveable,
DELANE, the editor who Asked-a-lot,
High in his office, up a square in the east,
Guarded the sacred shield of IRoomiwr L]w% ;
Which first he placed where morning's Larliust ray,
Even the glimmer of the Morning atr,
Might strike it, and awake him with the gleam;
Then, fearing rust or soilure, fashioned for it
A case of type, and printed therewithdl
All the devices blazoned on the shield-
Artful devices blazoned on the shield-
In their own tinet, and added, of his wit,
A border phantasy of tropo and flower,
And yellow-throated Hons.Man in the Hlouse.
Nor rested thus content, but day by day,
Leaving his ,yALTER 1 and his (JCAIEN, ci imbed
Those eastern stairs, an-d -.,I. : i 1-. 'ed his doer,
Took off his coat, and :.. ti... .. I.l_ shield,
And as lie qualfed his glass of sherry-wine,
And munched a sandwich RoTriictClDii dare not touch,
lie made a pretty history to himself
Of every dint a sword had beaten in it,
Conjecturing when and where ; this cut is fri';h;
Australian, that; this, dealt by STUAiir MILL;
That, by JonN BltIrUT ; and this, by (iiuAs'rio N's self;
And ah, by Jingo, what a stroke was there !
How came the Editor by that good shield
Of ROBErT LWE, he thliat adored LOWE's name ?
LowL left it with him, when he rode to tilt
For loftier office in official jousts,
Which 1eUSSELL had ordained, and by that name
Had named them, seeing office was the prize.
This kind of thing I hope will suit you, sir,
Yet I will be more lyrical if you like.

Small Sporting Intelligence.
OCa NiCerOLA, like SHAKSPEArjt, bids fair to become not the Nick
of time but of all ages, and like the great dianmatiit, has at school of
copyists. The si orting contributor of a contemporary must have had
tire old man's classical knowledge in his eye when he wrote the
following sentence:
This r na'rk i; tiplicable to many iieltoniains, parlicultrly s -o to !] t: TOM
Smri'n, and the prc sulit nSri itILnI.It rIIAM GRAIIAM, sind Sauiti 0-u.t.ALD.-'o:i, witl
Were nulli scunldus. in the hulntiug field."
This is a case o.' several hunting gentlemen rolled into one, in a
A DouIT roIL DscocUNT.
Ir diStanete lends enchantment to the view, is it right to expect
interest of the si.ectat'r, and is the bill at long date ?

2fAclf 24, 1866.]


Miss MurFIr thinks there must be some reason for Ma. FITZ-1ADDER looking at her so earnestly. So there is. But he is only thinking
whether her position would do for his Academy picture of Julia and the Woodrobin."

I woULD I were a bird,
Within a pie-dish thrust,
Mid jelly deep interred-
And my feet out through the crust!
I would I were a boar's
Head. Oh, how I should look,
With a lemon in my jawrs,
And carried by a cook !
I would I were a sprat,
And nicely done for supper!
But, alas, I can't be that,
Since I am but a TuPER !

WViTH a fidelity to the interests of your paper as a sportive organ
only equalled by that of the domestic needle to the pole, the Prophet
has temporary left his snug abode in Pcckham, and taken up his quarters
in lodgings at this place, which, as you are well aware of, is situated on
the banks of the Thames. And here will N\ICHOLAS remain, with the
exception of an occasional run up to town, just to look in at TATTER-
SALL's, and lay the odds with a duke or two, until the great contest
of next Saturday is over.
It cannot be truthfully stated that your al, man was ever much of
an aquatical celebrity, lie having alw 'vs fought rather shy of cold
water, and once when rowing in a wherry with a young woman, who
afterwards threw him over at the last moment, was run down by a
racing gig, which long had a tendency to envenomise his mind against
boating in general. Such prejudice may have been subsequentially

removed, but it is necessarily still dormant in my mind at my period
of life.
Nor has NicHcLAs generally been fortunate in his adventures at
the race itself. No later than last year, when I was talking perfectly
affable to a young marchioness as I know, the Prophet was upset into
the stream ignominiously by the tow-rope of a barge, so that NICHOLAS
had to go home and change his trowsers, besides being chivied as an
old guy.
Nevertheless, Mr. Editor, on behalf of your paper and of the sportive
public-by which he does not mean a pugilistical tavern-but the
athletic men of merry, merry England, chorus, NICHOLAs has again
exposed himself to the perils of the deep, and in your next impression
will give the name of the absolute winner, together with a minute
account, graphic, personal, and a little gay, of the race itself. What
is really wanted of him, however, at the present moment is no doubt
a prophecy, and such he will now make.
Cambridge are better than last year; but so are Oxford.
Superstitious people will tell you that luck will have a turn. Your
Prophet says No!
With the kindliest feelings towards the manly Cantabonians,
NICHOLAS is still bound to wear
and to place them as follows:-

Cambridge ..

. .. .. I

Written on Reed.
No wonder the naval-constructor's caressed-
That his efforts the Government crown:
For all who are skilled in ship-building protest
That his vessels are sure to go down!

c. -








CGoswain of the Government Boat :-" I'M AFRAID THERE'LL BE A FOUL I"



DERBY.-Now then, DISRAELI, my man, say what you have to say,
and let's get over it.
DISRAELI.-When the Venetian oligarchy-
DERBY.-BENJAMIN, do be more practical.
DiRAELI.--Well, gentlemen, we represent a principle and several
parties. Of the parties I need scarcely speak, they are present ; and
the principle is that of fervent attachment to the Constitution of the
United Kingdom. It follows that we shall vigorously uphold the
legitimate claims of the Established Church, and--
ROBERT LowE.- I beg your pardon. I decline to do anything of
the sort. What is really wanted to make England free and happy, is
the immediate slaughter of three thousand parsons.
MARsn.-Quite so. I remember that when I was in Australia-
NEWDEGATE.-That ever my father's son should have lived to listen
to such cold-blooded atheism!
DISRAELh.-Nor must we overlook the imperative necessity of con-
ciliating eour' Roman Catholic brethren.
WHALLEY.-Oh, yes, I dare say. (Sings.)
Let priests delight to bark and bite,
For 'tis their nature to;
But gentlemen of the Established Church were never made
To treat their neighbours so.
A priest, a priest, a perfect priest,
Oh, isn't he a priest ?
DISRmAELI, who was once a Jew,
Is now a perfect priest.
MARSH.-Quite so. When I was in Australia-
DEiRY.-For how many years, sir ?
LowE.-a I object to any one's objecting objectionably to anything
objectionable in such an object as my friend Mln. MARSH.
DISRAELm.-Let us resume. Reform, I take for granted, we had
better leave alone. It would never do, between ourselves, to dis-
franchise the smaller boroughs, which, however corrupt, have often
done good service to our country. When the Cumnan sibyl-
DEseBY.-BENJAMIN, I will not have that woman introduced any
DISRAELI.-Let us, for instance, look at Stroud.
HtoRsmAN.-Stroud, sir, is represented by a constitutional British
statesman, who, whether by the fervour of his ardent eloquence, the
pith and pungency of his declamatory satire, or the splendid energy
of his personal invective, recalls the memory of a time when English
oratory was in its glory (sucks an orange), challenges comparison with
the foremost luminaries of the ancient senate or the modern bar, and,
soaring far beyond the mcritricious mediocrity of a glibly glittering
GLAnDSTON (sucks another orange), or the turgid tropes of a Brummagem
Boanerges, asserts the sacred principles that lie at the very root of our
representative institutions, and whilst resisting the inroads of de-
mocracy on the one hand and the excesses of authority upon the
other-(sue/cs a third orange, andsits down.)
MAIIsH.-Quite so. When I was in Australia--
DISRAELI.-Let us endeavour, then, to decide upon a principle, a
programme, and a policy.
DERBY.-LowE, I don't like you, but you're clever, you know, like
my boy STANLEY there--nasty, unpleitsant, modern brains, both of
you. Let's hear your programme.
Lowi.-Education to be rendered compulsory. All clergymen to be
required to pass an examination in trigonometry, and those failing to
do so to be banished to Bermuda. Every certificated schoolmaster to
receive three thousand a year. Calne to have six members, one of
whom shall ex-ujfieio have a scat in the cabinet. White neckties to he
be prohibited at once, absolutely, and for ever. The immediate
abolition of the Church of England. The immediate abolition of the
penny press. That's my programme. Simple, I take it. Eh, MARSH ?
MAus.S-Quite so. When I was in Australia--
DERnY.-We should want somebody to do the ciphering. GLAD-
STONE, yon know-good fellow, GLADSTONE-reads T10Mer-GLADSTONE
seems awfully jolly at arithmetic.
DERBy.-Oh, no you wouldn't, STAF'FORDn !
DIsRAEL.-When I-
DERBnY.-Yes, we tried you twice. Thank you, BENJAMIN. Sir, no.
LAISG.-Pcrhaps my practical knowledge of business-
DERBYs (losing temper).-Hang it all, man, NO It won't do, gen-
tlemen, it will not do. I can stand a good deal for my party, but by
Olympian Zeus, I can't stand that. ZNoblesse oblige. Stick to your
shares, Ml. LAING; quite right and proper I have not the slightest
doubt, only don't combine them with politics. Gentlemen, I think
we understand each other. There is, I think, no occasion for further
conference. (Bows then out.)
MAtSH.-Certainly not. When I was in Australia-

3IMARCl 24, 1866.j

A reduction made on taking a quantity."
BILL PORTLY was a porter, who the station hung about. HI thought
no small beer of himself because le was so stout. But one day some
one put him out of all conceit with fat-he said he was no manu of lii;
hut just a man of vat. So W aLLIAM purchased BANTING'S book,
whose treatment, as I glean, procures for those inclined to fat a
leaning to be lean. "No bread" was one of BANTING'S rulI's, but
WILLIAn took instead that "half a loaf," which proverbs say, is
" better thanno bread." And his provisions lie cut ol;, until lhis initals
were spare, and much less like a live-it than a die-it, you'd declare.
His sides fell in, his litlbs grew lank, his skin hung on hisi bones. To
see how he had lost his size, it would have cost you groans. lut still he
persevered, and vowed lie msii, lie would get thin-" one might cut oil'
one's flesh by will, as one cuts oilft'one's Min." At last hlie grew so very
weak and sickly, that hlie found he'lid have to call a doctor in, to ht-y aind
bring him round. The doctor came and shook his head, and told him
it was clear, that if lie got much thinner he'd not be nmch longer
here. He told him lhat his theory of corpulence was nwrong-all
fat's not fatal, and mant's life's as broad as it is long. So WItL4AM
took the doctor's hint, and dropt his starving whim, and ate hli grub
in style, for fear the worms should feast on im. ,

Suir stands between me and wealth untold,
And arable land and mines and gold,
And awful acres of tforst and fell;
And yet she lives with a smiling face,
In gowns of silk anid trappings of lace,
And she looks so provokingly well!
I live in economical style,
And I often fast and .1 seldom smile,
And never a tongue my troubles can tell.'
I save my clothes, and I run long ticks,"
I've prospects of children, five or six,
And she looks so provokingly well.
I scarcely know the colour of beer,
But water I diink so cold and clear,
And ahl! the hiorible muilin bell
Comes round each day, but there's none for me,-
'Tis stale brown brad and cresses for tea.
And she looks so provokingly well.
I'm often beset by human ills,
And yet I cannot paiy doctor's bills,-
Soon the sexton mI y ling my lnell.
She roams about, and never takes cold,
I know she'll live till awfully old,
For she looks so provokingly well.
turn to my Tinies with anxious care,
seek one place, but her name's not there,
And ne'er a hope can my gloom dispel,
"A tenant in fee" I linger here,
She'll live as long as she can, lhat's clear,
For she looks provokingly well.

A Train off the Line.
TrAIN-Tramv:ay TrAIt, -who, because we wouldn't have his tr;am-
w ay in England, bas railed at us ever tinee-lias taken to Feniianism;
Sa capital subject for his s avigs, since it is licer nonsense- the only
t thing he can talk. 'The rcpit of the gathering at which he spolictd
ends cuiiously-" The imeting then adjoiTined, and it being mnde
known that MR. O'Mt,.noNy liad lost his pocket-book, tand several
o others their watchls, three ch(ders were giv(in for the Irish republic,
a nd the hall vacated." We suppose the robberies were consider( d as
a proof of the spread of lhe principles of the lish republicans.

Not long ago in Westminstere.
"At the conference of London Guardianis the Tifm', rtiorts that (C'[iqita
Grosvenor said, Ie had attended thi meeting to hl(,iw lhis ini aiihy with iiy-
thing that affected the poor man ; but he (toiil ied lie ius not acquainted cwith the
YoNNG GLORY would gladly his sympathy show,
But the subject he-aw-doesn't happen to know-
In shot (in society just as he used),
I Pleads Only too halpy, but-not introduced !"

18 T [MARCH 24, 1866

1P.6- II--;,iIiI I"I, I', -
7110 11*5 !I L kl (J ,I 11 'Ll

PLExTY of ups and downs have I known,
S I Bandied about by Fortune and Time,
1 I-- 'Ilithorward-thitherward-any how thrown,
._ iii; Much as the words in this lachrymose rhyme.
I '.i Once I was rather a fortunate hound,
: I -S't Snugly in luxury's lap I lay curled;
oew my best house is the cold hard ground-
"-2 .But, I suppose, 'tis the way of the world!
.4 -- JThen I was petted, fondled, caressed-
S' ', "Carlo, come hither Come here, good dog !"
Friends and food they were all of the best-
Kicked and starved now I travel incoyg!
Begged! ah, I did, with an amateur air!
"i .... 3 ,Plenty's rich banner was over me furled;
SNow, though, I beg with a grim despair-
Well, I suppose, 'tis the way of the world!
Silky and soft was this 71. --_, coat S
--I- -AT N Yes; I was youth and beauty's toy!
Bright little forms on me then would doat-
"N oble old Carlo Darling old boy!"
Life's river with smiles was dimpled o'er,
-ES- BROW_ .. TEGaily with musical note it purled;
St now I have come to a barbarous shore 1
But I suppose that this is the world!
Then my eyes wherever I raised,
S Loving faces my glance would greet;
Proudly I heard my beauty praised,
S, Y ow I am hunted through every street !
Now, -wherever my head 1 show,
Sticks and curses are after me hurled!
Anywhere, faith! I would gladly go,
I' Just to escape the ways of the world!

SThe Latest Thing about the Lions.
CERTAINT unbelievers having stated that Siu EnwAniD
HIGHLY FLATTERING. LANDSEEsh has not yet begun to model the NELsoN
ant I' sas lions, we have much pleasure in being able to contradict
Irritated Gent :-"Now TE, Y o 'Uv, w m Y A-sTA s' AT the rumour. The great artist has got as far as the pws
l tellig enit h_ renmdor continuing to look fhi.d/y at 1. G.) :-"On, NOTHN', -which would seem likely to prove long.

MRS. BROWN HAS THE SWEEPS. "A lifeless ramonure can't have no feeling, as I've put it off from
week to week, and often stood over the gal myself and see her put the
I no think if there is a thing as I hates in this world its havin' the broom up as far as she could reach, and brought down pecks. I'm
sweeps, as always reminds me of him as didn't ought to be mentioned sure the tura as it give me a-lookin' up last Sunday-evenin' and
for ulaekness, and is the dirtiest job in all the world, for that soot is seeing' the red-hot soot in layers, as it seems always to do on a Sunday
stuff for to fly like chaff before the wind, as the saying' is. evening' as though for the purpose."
But I says, "San A n ANN, we must have 'em sooner or later, and So Bon hlie says, If you're a-goin' to mag on like that about the
pr'aps it will be as well for to have 'em well over; so," I says, step sweeps, I wish as they'd take a fancy to you and carry you off with
over and ask M ns. Benoecsor if she can come for half a day, as will the soot."
help) you clean up, and you may tell them sweeps if they can't be I says, Mu. Bnow-, if you'd like to see me took out in a sack,
here by six they may stop away." pr'aps it's carried out altogether as you wishes me," and I was that
It so happened as Beowr- was in one of his contrary humours that hurt as I busted into tears.
night, and nothing' didn't seem to go right with him. But, bless you, he didn't mean it, for though rough temper at
1 says to him, If you don't fancy liver and bacon don't eat it, as times he's as fine a hearted man as ever lived, and he come round in
is only half a pound, and the gal will relish." a instant, and said as he wouldn't part with me not for sacks upon
It's a thing I wouldn't eat if you'd crown me, and was a-takin' a sacks of sov'reigns let alone soot; and we had a drop of something' hot
bit of toasted cheese myself, as BibowN was that snappish over, a-sayin' and he says to me, Don't you be .-. II..' out of your warm bed in
as I must have the stomach of a horse for to eat that leather, and he the morning' to let them sweeps in, if don't hear 'em, wake me."
knowed I should be 'avin' of themstartin' dreamnis as made me hit him I didn't say nothing' but had my thoughts.
in the eye, a-fancyin' as he was young RonIsox at the corner, as is I don't think as it could have been the toasted chooeese, but some-
always a-settin' of his dog at our eat. thin' made me dream frightful, for I thought I was old ]MARNEY the
1 happened just to let the sweeps drop accidental to him as he was sweep, and had stuck in the back kitchen ehimbly, and nearly fell
a-snokin' his pipe, and if he didn't go on till my temper got put out. out of bed in my struggles to extricate myself, and then I dreamt as
I says, M. unowe, if you likes to live in a lhog-sty with smoky BuowN was old MAnNEY, and was putting' me into the soot-bag head
chimblys, you may do it in welcome; but," I says, "I never will. I foremost, aid kicked that wiolent as woke Biuow.u up. I was dozin'
never heard such a man in all my born days, as is out of all reason in off when I heard the bell, and set bolt up in bed, for I was dreamin'
your ways, aind would glory in seeing' Your house in flames, with of fire.
engines a-plyin' all over the street and plugs a-spoutin' in all direc- I says, That gal won't never hear 'em," for I do believe as she'd
tions." I says, "If I was a-goin' to thrust a tender infant up the slooeep the clock round, as the sayin' is, and as BOWcuwN was in a sound
flue as might stick with straw lighted to the soles of his foot you slooeep through bein' disturbed twice, I thought as I'd slip on my gown
minht talk; but," I says, "it's a thing as I never could a-bear from and go down.
the time as the skeleton come down the chimbly in Peckham Rye, the I never did hear such tyrants to ring as them sweeps, and I really
first night as the parties moved in and lighted the fire in the front thought as they'd have tore the bell down by the roots, as the sayin'
ltchlen, as was supposed to be a sweep as had been forgot." I says, is. Well, down I goes, for as to callin' to that gal it's no more use


than whistlin' to a pig, and there was a cutting' wind a-blowin' as
sweeps must feel though they are black.
Of all the tempers as that old MAtsNEY showed I never did, a-shovin'
at the door afore I could get it opened, and sending' me back agin the
wall with the key a-takin' me in the chest, and usin' words a-pre-
tendin' as he thought I were the gal, and if I had been he hadn't no
right to use that langwidge to.
I says, Go down and do the kitchen first, as I'd see was ready
over night, and the gal will be down to show you what's next."
I spoke short like, for I didn't hold with old MfARNEY's ways, as is a
old brute to his second wife, young enough to be his daughter, and I
never would have in my house, only the other sweep was transported
through a-takin' a teapot away in his sack from the widder lady
I called that gal up and then goes to bed for half an hour. When
I got up and went down to the kitchen you might have knocked me
down with a feather, for there was the sweeps still there.
I says, "\Whatever are you a-doin' ? "Why, a-swccpin' your
chimbly, as is as crooked as a ram's horn, and has broke my brush,
and be hanged to it."
Leastways he said it was hanged as he uttered, but it didn't sound
like that to me.
I says, "You've been time enough over it anyhow." He says,
"The front kitchen was a long job."
"The flont kitchen!" I says with a scream, "WVhatcver do you
.mean? Why, it ain't a kitchen, and wasn't to be swep'," and in
I rushes and thought as I should have dropped, for if that dratted
gal hadn't been and let them sweep the chimbly, and never moved a
I says, "You good-for-nothin', idle, lazy hussy." "It wasn't my
fault," she says, "they began it afore I was down."
"Then why wasn't you down?" If she didn't say, "If you
hadn't gone down a-fidgetin' and lettin' them in it wouldn't have
happened. "
You told me to do the kitchen first with your own lips," growls
oldMAKnNEY. I says, It ain't a kitchen, you idjeot."
"Then it did ought to be," says he. I ain't no patience with
such stuck-up ways, as if a kitchen wasn't good enough for you."
It did put me out to be checked like that on my own premises; so
I says, Get out of the place this moment, you good-for-nothin' old
brute. How dare you come here and spile my carpet, and cover
everything' with your beastly soot! as had begrimed the place from
top to bottom, and nowhere for to have breakfast.
I do believe it was all that gal's spite, because I'd give her warning'
on the Monday through her givin' me a lot of check over the grease-
pot, as I never will allow any more than a pig-wash tub, as I've
known the tea-spoons to be thrown in.
Old MANEXY he wanted eighteonponce for the front room, a-stickin'
to it as it were a kitchen.
I says, "Never in this world." He says, "I'll summons you-see
if I don't."
I says, "Do it," and off he goes in a regular hnuff. But when
BRowN come down he made me send the money, saying' as he wouldn't
have no summonses nor rows; but certainly it went agin me to pay
him, and couldn't help a-chucklin' when I heard his wife's brother
had come in and caught him a-raisin' his hand agin her, and had
given him his own ramonures over his shoulders, and the magistrate
dismissed the summons as he took out agin him.
But all I've got to say is, that I do wish as they'd invent some-
thin' as would consume its own soot, for them sweeps is my constant
dread; and as to old MARNEY I'd rather sweep the chimblys with my
own hands than he should ever darken my doors agin, as loft his
marks. all along the passage, and shook out his soot-bags in the front
garden for spite, as the place was pisened with for many a day, and
flew into the parlour-winders, and begrimed them from top to

Signal Instance of Justice.
A MAN was sentenced to a month's imprisonment, with hard laboilr, at the last
Berks assizes, for stealing three detonators from the line where they had been laid
as log-signals."
SAYS JIM to JACK "There's sure a lack
Of justice in that sentence ;
It can't require a month entire
To teach the man repentance!"
Says JACK to Jim, Why hanging him
To me, a mere spectator,
Would seem but just-for how else must
He pay the dcbt-o'-natur' ?"

A SPORTING gentleman wants to know whether, when a lark sings
on the turf, its lay is the odds.

RPETIvRNING Spring may dock once mor
With beauty vale and plain ;
Alas, I find it can't restore
My credit yet again.
Fresh opening flow'rfts I can sec
On verdant banks-what still !
To open an account with me
No bank is green enough!
The shadow of my trouble lours
O'er everything I view;
To-morrow, like my bills, the flowers
Will be all over dew :
Yon height-the loftiest of the hills,
Hints, if the score I count,
'Twill prove the sumn-it of my bills
Comes just to that-a mount!
Still yon horizon's line I see
On my advance, retreat-
How like the liability
That I can never meet!
Let every day be fresh-let Spring
Restore each year the view:
Small comfort unto me they bring,
Since DAvis won't renew!
But, ah! why sing till I grow hoarse,
Of nature's varied range,
And of the seasons' varying course-
I've not a rap to change !

Theatrical Meim.
TIIEiE is no foundation for the rumour lhat the author of iThe Fly
and the Web is writing a drama for the Adolphi to be entitled The Fly
and the Webster.

Il.itt'5 tO (o0.nts 01,mih .

Mns. E. M. Mi. WV., Newport Pagnell, writes to say she wants im-
proving fun," and assures us "man t ent into this world to," &c., c.
It is evident the sort of comic paper s/ie wants is a tract.
C. J. P., Wood Green.-But we are afraid our readers wouldn't grin.
HYs, Kolso.-The sale of such charms to sailors, boatmen, and others of
that caul-ing, has been so often satirised, that we don't feel inclined to say
any more on that head, which, by the way, will never suffer from water on
the brain.
W. L., Cheshire.-We do not for a moment doubt the originality. The
"goosebery pie" is of your own making clearly, but it is a little heavy, and
so it can't be helped!
Cui Boeo.-That joke about the "os humorous is a bone-oh!
D. S., Liverpool, asks us to select "a pearl from his string," and then
gives us one or two jokes about slipping on orange-peel. He must mean "a
purl." The best of his jokes is too personal, or we should like to publish it.
R. GOODFELLOW, Watford.-What for do you send us such hard lines ?
WV. P., Lancashire.-Have you never met with certain "Lines on Early
Rising ?"
The man that's fond precociously of stirring
Must be a spoon."
You see your plate is second-hand, and the duplicate is of no use.
Suco.-We fear the joke would find it as difficult to raise a smilo as
"FuEI." finds it to raise a simile.
A. H., Westminster.-Thanks for the cuttings. The American comic"
journals frequently show how well they can take a joke, by taking ours
UIIAt Il EEP wants to know if his MS. is "above waste-paper basket
level." That depends on how much is heaped in it before his MS. gets
J. B. W.-Your "Marriage Association" is not "wedded to immortal
verse "-in fact, its WYLDE measure reminds us of the Divorce Court
rather than matrimony.
A. D. C., Gloster.-We cannot lend our columns to local disputants, and
we do not return rejected MSS. unless the senders comply with our
Declined with thanks-W. R., Ringwood; G. L. II., Whitehall;
R. J. B., Leicester; R. G. H., Gloucester; Amicus Amicissimuas; J. K.,
Plymouth; F. P. B., Gower street; A. D. B., Boulogne; M. J. H. C.;
W. H. B., Stoke Newington; Sheffield; W. L. G.; Dicos; W. H. B. G.,

-MARCH 24, 1866.]

20 F U IN. [MAtn 24, 1866.

OUR PARIS COMMISSION. have found his yahoos" hot and howling. It is an offensive sight
and sound this Bourse in full cry, and requires considerable fresh air
No. V III. THE BOURSE. and green foliage to wipe it from the senses.
The marvel is how these shouting maniacs understand each other,
Flon oaUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER. how the peaceful operations of commerce are transacted. The strained
Ws road in the Guide Book that One considers the Bourse as one eyes, flushed cheeks, and widely-opened mouths of the Boursiers
of the most superb monuments of the capital. It goes of the pair with contrast strongly with the grim quietude of the highly shaved
the Madeleine-it is in the same style." Sergens-de-Ville and Suisses who carry about papers and guard
We will not pause to consider whether a church and an exchange wooden barriers. They look like the keepers of the lunatics, the show-
.are not an odd pair, or whether a heathen temple is the best possible men of these wildest beasts in the commercial menagerie. It is
model for a Christian church and a money market, for we know that pleasant to escape from the cries, and the heat, and the dust of this
the French have the most refined taste in the world, and that the crowd of noisy Benoitons into the white, bright, beautiful Place de la
motto of their architects is, "Let us be Grecian or nothing." It Bourse again, to line one's inner man with some Chablis and seltzer-
does not become persons inhabiting mansions built of the same mate- water, and to watch the brass-helmeted mountebank engaged in his
rials as the Crystal Palace at Sydenham to hurl missiles, and with a tranquil and dignified occupation of selling pencils.
remorseful recollection of our own railway stations, erected on
modituval ecclesiastical principles, with a curious cross of the antique
maurosque combined with the modem cart-shed, we feel that silence MUSIC.
is the most becoming. Have we not a National Gallery, and had we
not some Brompton boilers, and their like is not to be seen in Paris, or WE have noticed many combinations of qualities sought for in
Central America, or Abyssinia, or anywhere. Let us not, therefore, advertisements, but it was not until we chanced the other day on a
stop on the threshold of the Bourse. Let us not linger longer on the stray copy of a paper called The lfusical World that we met with an
steps, contemplating the cold stone, let us push past the doors, and instance of the association of chanting and charioteering. Here it is:-
contemplate the hot, the very hot human nature within, if human WANTED a good COACHIMAN; must drive well, and understand horses, ear-
nature it be. riages, &e. Must be active, quiet, and respectable, with good character.
Tht* is r1 Also be able to read music and sing well. Alto preferred. Married or single. If
What is this dreadful row ? What is this hoarse yelling ? What the former, wife as laundress. Address lev.. D.,-- Yorkshire.
are t'aese sounds as of wailing and of cursing-these fierce roars of e p p t
defiance and invective-this battle of tongues-this free fight" of Buteally even m sucal a peon-or arslo-as thef Rev. L. D.
voices ? Is it a political discussion ? Is it an neuute, or a revolution? need hardly have made such a point of an "Alto preferred." Would
No, reader. These are the quiet city men" of Pais engaged in the ho not be satisfied if his coachman could reach Gee? Or would
No, reaeful oper. Th es e are the quiet. the he want him to go up a ladder to the A-loft ?
How they howl, and tear, and rave, and gesticulate! Are they mad ?
If so where are the keepers, and the strait-waistcoats, and the hand-
cuffs, and the gags, and the rest of the soothing apparatus of the mad ANOTICE.-From the commencement of this Vlolume will be pub-
doctor's merry trade ? An Irish election-and Fu.'s Special Corn- listed, in addition to the usual issue at One Penny, a Special .Edition of
missioner has seen two, and yet lives to tell the tale-is as a morning each number at Twopence, carefully printed on superflne ash-grey toned
call, or a village duck-pond compared to operations on the Bourse. paper. Terms of Subscription :-Stamped, 13s.; Unstamped, 8s. Sd. per
Thunder, artillery, east wind, and breaking billows, are agreeable to annum.
the drums of the ear :-not so these hideous cries of cupidity. Had "Fun," tous los Aercredis, chez MESSRS. W. S. KIRKLAND ET CIE.,
Gulliver not been written, and were SWIFT of our day, here he would Rue de Richelieu, -Yo. 27, Paris.

London; Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works. St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, March24, 186F

MARCH 31, 1666.]



SHOWERS, how thick they fall! But it is not rain that's falling-
Knaves, dupes, idiots, rascals all-April fools, whato'er their calling.
How the blacks are falling, lo Thick on EvRi their soot-cloud laid is;
But the breath of truth shall blow all the smoke-born blots to Hades.
Canting Bigots, back your ghools-
April Fools! April Fools !
Fashion has its fools as well-slaves to milliners and tailors,
Captives to a despot fell-pris'ners of exacting jailers!
Trains are lengthy, bonnets small. Bills are long, and incomes narrow!
By the nose led, victims all fly to ruin like an arrow !
What's the odds if Fashion rules ?
April Fools! April Fools!
Idiots, who would souls ex-Hu M, worship SLUDGE, the poor impostor.
All the airs he may assume, they are dolts enough to foster.
Hands that squeeze, and toes that press, sympathetic donkeys gloat on-
Whose they are we well can guess! What are they who Si.UDOn thus doat on,
Lord of tables, chairs, and stools ?
April Fools! April Fools!
There's the feeble, foul-mouthed rough, who, to raise his spirits, utters
Libellous and filthy stuff, filched from Transatlantic gutters.
Empty CHAMBERS, well we know, echo to his scurrile ranting-
Justice may at times fall low by administrators' canting-
Judges are, when mediums' tools,
April Fools! April Fools!
April Fools! They boldly blow Joint Stock bubbles (within limits)-
Light up Etna just for show, thinking one can safely trim its
Flare, whenever one may wish; Cooks, who ignorant of cooking,
Will keep frying other fish than the ones they're used to hooking,
Till the pot-kept boiling-cools.
April Fools! April Fools!
Rogues, who advertise their schemes, thinking rivals will not blow them-
Visionaries, sure their dreams are believed-by those who know them-
Gulls, who fancy that their creeds must command respect from all men-
Cowards, who believe their deeds, self-related, prove them tall men-
All these various tribes and schools-
April Fools! April Fools!
Aye!-and those, who take their FUN, thinking 'twill be merely jolly,
Who discover-rather done-that he bears a lash for folly!
Underneath the Jester's garb Wisdom masking his grave face is-
And Wit's arrow has a barb causes very queer grimaces!
Lives are lost in quiet pools,
April Fools April Fools !


22 FUN.

[MARoH 31, 1860.

settled out of court, and that T. B. will make its appearance and open
v v I(H its YATES-I mean Gates, in Albemarle-street. I wish MR. BENTLEY
V n* h would buy the structure as well as the magazine. It would look very
nice in Albemarle-street, and be less in the way than it is in Fleet-street.
EBY THE SAUNTERER IN SOCIETY. It is disgraceful to our authorities that one should see, as I did to day,
HE Reform Bill is the whole stream of traffic stopped at the Bar, while a long string of
S- not to be allowed carts, loaded with Thames Embankment earth, defiled calmly through.
to pass without a THE late LORD PALMERSTON has been spoken of at times as a far-
S struggle by the seeing statesman. I see that certain opticians living, as penny- a-
Conservatives. liners say, not a hundred miles from Albemarle-street, advertise that
-, l The MARnuIs or their spectacles "are patronised by the late VIScoUNT PALMERSTON,"
SALISBURaY' resi- and other noblemen.
dence has been I'VE received the third number of the Edinburgh Un iersity Magazine,
S thrown open to an immense improvement on the first. There are one or two very
the conspirators fair papers in it, and one very original one, in which the writer gravely
who have met and proposes that ghosts are the inhabitants of comets, and their visits to.
plotted, and sworn earth due to the world coming in contact with their erratic abodes.
to murder the Bill This theory of celestial casuals has at least the charm of novelty.
if possible. The
Times, whichh has
been behaving in BROKEN VOWS.
the most eccentric
manner of late, Now, BERNARD, you're very provoking,
\published a list of Your letter is really unkind,
those present at Mien alone in their chambers, and smoking,
the meeting, and Excuses for ever can find.
included the We've acted on every suggestion,
names of many' You've hinted, and petulent Lee
Liberalswho have Says, Business is out of the questizm,
indignantly repudiated the charge. The dodge is a weak one, and has I know he has nothing to do."
not even the merit of originality, for it is not long since "a lying list
of Confederate Bondholders was denounced in the very pages now Last autumn, you know, at the Bmo ay'ls,
sullied by a similar subterfuge. I regret to see a paper so well-estab- You fell in with every plan,
lished as the Times trying to injure its own reputation. It seemsgoing We promised to ask all the TnarTs,
over to the Tory party now. But -as the proverb says, "' It's a long Because you were sweet upon FAx.
DELANE that has no turning," so I suppose we must let the Times turn We fix'd on the room and the dresses,
its coat (d la reversible paletot), although either side is shabby. Selected the parts and the play,
.Apropos of the Reform Bill there are some sound suggestions in a And now there are tears and distresses,
pamphlet entitled The Reform Problem, published by EFFINGHAM Because of your letter to-day.
'WILSON. I should like to see some of these propositions added to the
Government Bill. I may mention a couple of them-first, the dis- We've had such a terrible bother,
franchisement of all persons in permanent Government employ, and of We've all been m turn on our knees ;
almsmen and freemen; and second, the disfranchisement of all the te've coaxed e'en our father and mother,
Universities. The writer justly says such representations are not of Although they're not easy to please.
the people, but of a narrow class. The Universities are as much be- We've sworn to protect the oak ceiling,
hind the intelligence of the age, for all practical purposes of life, as And not to unhinge any door;
they are ahead of it in the knowledge of dead languages and abstract For footlights we've just been appealing,
sciences. "Bodies that could ostracise such men as PALMERSTON, For oil won't be spilt on the floor.
PEEL, and GLADSTONE, the two former enjoying a larger amount ofWe rehearse though we g for an
public confidence than any men of their time, and the latter, the fore- Poor Beh LLse i not over bright,
most man of the day, are not entitled to a representation separate from Ci.Er and KELLY for ever are spouting,
the community at large." A Unmversity man myself, I cannot but And study from morning till night.
admit the justice of this! A
admit t uice, ofAthIs! I remember the "business" you taught me,
WiELL done, MANNINI; With all the extra incitements to disorder, I think I can manage "the fall me,
the Irish have kpt St. Pa.trick's Day in the most wonderfully quiet I ha ear the gold locket you brought
and peaceable manner. The archbishop deserves the thanks of all the I hall wear the gold locket yu brought me
police magistrate. as well as the constables. Let us hope that hence- That mght at the Warminster ball.
forth the genial and genuine, but somewhat ge-stick-ulative sons of It's nonsense to say that our WILLY
Erin will be persuaded in a similar manner, to keep their Saint's For Henri de Neuville will do;
day without a breach of the peace. Your proposal is awfully silly,
CON OUND the Joint Stock Company Limited Liability Act! We e ca't do the lover like you.
are losing all our great men-they sink their identity, and crumble Your voice will be liquid and tender,
into Co.'s. I was horrified the other day, on opening The Grocer, to He'll bungle and stare with surprise,
see that our old friend, and the foe to vermin, is no more! Harper I know that his figure is slender
Twelvetrees, Limited, is a poor substitute for the great insecticide who But you have the loveable eyes.
once stood for Marylebone, and was rejected by the "greatunwashed,"
for fear he should propose a measure for making the use of soap com- Now, BaERARD, do listen to reason,
pulsory! For you are our prop and our stay;
T'iE Amateur Casual, 1xt. JAWs GRi'Nwoon, has written for the I'll be sulky the whole of next season,
Star (of the 19th instant), an article which I consider is infinitely You surely can't mean what you say.
better than the Pall Mall papers. It is entitled "The Forty Thieves," The tie is still firm but may sever,
and its truthful picture of the skulking, sneaking, miserable existence I'll never forgive you, you know,
of the real thief ought to do much to counteract the injurious effects Come down! then, I'll promise for ever
produced by Blueskin, the Wild Boys of London, and such trashy but To be your affectionate FLO!
poisonous periodicals--found only too often, as the reader of the police- _
reports knows, in the possession of young beginners in crime, who have
been tempted from the paths of honesty by the false glitter they fling Grinding Tyranny.
around the ways of vice. I have made bold to speak my honest A NEW paper is announced under the title of Tke Organist. We
opinion of the "Amateur Casual" throughout, so that when I say now hope it will not prove to be the organ of the street-organists ; for in
he is doing noble work my testimony ought to be of weight. spite of the sweeping measure of Ma. BASS" organic remains still
I AX 'glad MeR. Ait swoTT's attempt to squash Temple Bar has render quiet streets offensive. And no wonder, for they are very
failed, and regret it should have been so near succeeding. There was irritating.
no cause of complaint-Bentl/c's is dull, and half-a-crown ; Temple Bar I The bonourable member's bitt ma-st not be confounded with BAcoN's l-ove-a
is amusing, and a shilling. I hear, however, the quarrel has been Orgau.'billmst not be

MARCH 31, 1866.]


MR. EDITOn,-I am reminded by a private note, Sir, which you have
Seen so good enough as to write me that NICHOLAs has not fulfilled
his promise to answer a Glasgow correspondent," a course of action
which you describe, in your own terse and happy manner, as a
scandalous breach of faith with the public." The Prophet, Mr. Editor,
thanks you hearty for putting the matter in this plain and confidential
footing, so that we need not misunderstand one another, but can discuss
it calmly like a couple of English gentlemen.
The truth is, Mr. Editor, NICHOLAS forgot all about it; for I am so
used to the receipt of insulting and individuous epistles that they no
longer rub the Prophet's back the wrong way; but he will honestly
quote the statement which you so kindly underline, and then make
remarks upon it. Please, MESSRS. JUDD AND GLAss, print just as it is
wrote, for by showing up the bad authorgraphy of it I hope to prove
to the sportive men of England, my kind and constant supporters,
that my Glasgow assailant is an illiterative calumniator.
Inverted commas. "I've got to say this much, that the sportin Con-
"tribiter as yer calls him, hold NIKLUs; is a rank duffer, yes, sir, I ses
"rank duffer. .. I'm a sportin contribiter, wy he donno nothing
"about sportin wotever, wy wen me and im wos pals he ardly knowed
"a orse from a en, and never seed a race-orse in his unfortnit life till
"one time as we wos both werry much down on our luck, so we
"tramped down to the derby, and maid a tidy days work on it a
oldin orses and selling krect cards, and now he's akshally a tellin yer
he's tip top, pals with a lot o' swells. as wooden be seen speaking to
im, the.hold imposter! "
Well, Mr. Editor, I am free to own that there is a great deal of
truth in the interesting letter of your scoundrelly correspondent,
whichwell does the Prophet know his,handwriting, though disguised
-very possibly being the same also in liquor himself, for he drinks,
Sir, fearful. NIC OLAS have held horses in his day, and proud to own
it. Wasn't the present Emperor of a neighboring nation once a
Special Constable? No, Mr. Editor, the real animus that actuates
the guzzling vagabond whose communication you so very kindly sent
me is that NICHoLAs, by his temperance, virtue, leariness, and always
knowing how to hedge in time, has raised himself, though at a.late
period in life, to his present pinnacle as the trusted and world-wide
Prophet of your Sportive Oracle, second to none, bar none; whilst
he, the author of the interesting narrative of facts which you so
amiably forwarded to me by post, has gone steadily down in the
world, a warning to youth against neglecting the study of author-
graphy and literativo composition whilst yielding to the seductive in-
fluence of a glass of anything he could get, so long as it was at
somebody else's expense, and many and oft have I stood him sherry-
wine myself.
Ina few days the Prophet will sendhis Special and Graphic Account
of the University Boat Race, by our own Commissionaire, and will
begin the story the night before the race so as to be all in good time
and up with the lark.
I felt, however, Mr. Editor,. that my first duty was to vindicate
my personal character; I trust that I have now done so; and with
regard to the vanityglorious, remark that "i am. game to fight NIKLUS
for love," v.hy, Sir, NIcHOLAS WILL PLAY 1uro Feo 1,000 AT KXVUnR
S Si
Friday-night. the Twenty-third-it is the Twenty-third, isn't
it 1-well, I don't know after twelve o'clock-I should rather
think it was, too, old fellow! Twenty-fourth and say no
more about it. Shixty-shix.
The amicable contest between the sister Universities, than whom I
am sure none more respectable though a little gay, of the Isis and
the Cam, has long been felt deeply interesting by all who were
deeply interested in the amicable contest between the sister Univer-
sities of the Isis and the Cam; and a. party of distinguished
students from the banks of both the. Isis and the Cam, knowing
the Prophet's period of life, and anxious, to keep me square for
to-morrow-no, this is to-morrow-anxious as they were. yesterday
to keep me square, last night and this cold, chilly morning have
steadily been plying NICHOLAS with the most delicious-delirious--
Swith the most delicious evervexing drinks, gentlemen, that the Prophet
has ever tasted from the banks of either the Isis or the Ciam-I say,
gentlemen, or the Cam, in their amicable contest which has long been
felt so deeply interesting on the sister shores of the Isis and the Cam :
Not another drop-will do his duty to his Editor to the last-well, if
I must, let it be a little brandy hot with Gentlemen, gentle
-men,, we shall have a long ride of it from here to Putlake. .
And, gentlemen,-don't go!-we shall be safe to want some more re-
freshment at Mortney, when the crews-bless 'em both!-have rowed

up from Putlake-don't go, yet!-stand by the old man-will do his
duty to his Editor to the last in the amiicable contest between the ]sis
against the Cam! I shay the Prophet's got-good thing-
Derby. P.S. Knurr and Spell.
Further P. S. Oxford won-Cambridge two.

(Continued from our next, p. 214.)
only natural, for the earl was not of a character to forgive sueb deadly
insults-especially from him !
However, she waited. The old soothsayer might have been right,
after all.
It has been well observed by a modern poet that if we did not find
it less easy to remember what we would fain forget than to forget- !"
How true!
WE must now return to CEDRIO, whom we left some chapters ago in
the neatherd's cottage. Since his brief conversation with the Danish
spy at Almondsbury (pronounce Ameaburi), the mind of the wanderer
had been torn by conflicting passions. The current of his thoughts
ran somewhat as follows:
"Was it ELoIVA'S faulty"
Why so ?"
"Who ?"
At this point his meditations were interrupted by the sound of
rapidly approaching footsteps. To bolt the door and conceal himself
in the ingle-nook was the work of a moment. There, for the present,
we must leave him.
Britain was infested, at the period of our story, by bands of lawless
depredators. How thankful we ought all to be that, we are not living
in those barbarous times I Let us hope that we noeror halll be.
IN the centre of a spacious tent, surrounded by his chief warriors,
stood Guthrum. He was no stranger to the events narrated in our
fourth chapter; and, though an unscrupulous man, he was not a bad-
hearted one.
(To be commenced in our last.)
[N.B. Numbers 5, 17, and 8, will be given away with number 1.]

AnOLPrus was a modest youth,
No rake was he, no pseudo-faint,
Hoe was no coward, though, in truth,
A cat would almost make him faint.
They said A nervous horror creeps
Around him as pekoe he sips,
Cold sweat unto his forehead leaps
And imprecations to his lips."
One night, when chatting to the fair
And highly-gifted TmniR Gioom ;
Ile shrieked, swift darting from his chair,
I'll swear a cat is in the room! "
She gave one look: he searched around,
In vain neathh sofa, stool, and chair;
But in the chiffonier he found
They'd left a scrap of potted hare !

THERE is no representative for the Isle of Dogs in the House, or
we could suggest to him a question that ought to be put to the
Government. Perhaps the M.P. for Bark-shire will raise his voice on
behalf of his constituency, and enquire by what right the police are
being employed to maho a house-to-house visitation for the purpose of
enquiring where dogs are kept. We suppose the inquisition has not
been extended to Belgravia or even Westbournia, but in neighbour-
hoods and streets chiefly inhabited by working men, by those, in
short, who keep dogs not as pets but as friends, companions, and
guards, the police have been going from doorto door making enquiries.
This proceeding is most unconstitutional and inquisitorial, nor is its
complexion at all improved by the partiality of its operation. Tho
country is indeed going to the dogs if this sort of thing is permitted.
We trust that now we have drawn attention to the matter it will be
seriously taken up by our contemporaries.


2-1 FUN.

[MARCH 31, 1866.


You remember, of course, after lying
A prey to some fever's attack-
In a state between living and dying,
With body and mind on the rack-
You remember the bliss beyond measure
(When quite convalescent again)
Of summing your pains up at pleasure,
And counting the pleasures of pain.
You remember the advent of illness-
The first of the feverish flush;
The room's isolation and stillness-
The voice's obsequious hush.
For a bed is the throne of a tyrant,
A sick-room his royal domain,
To the man who sets up as aspirant
For tasting the pleasures of pain.
Then the pangs you describe to your doctor
(Who halts between powders and pills),
Set the hair of that physic-concocter
On end, like a porcupine's quills.
But the knowledge that some one is trying,
And not altogether in vain,
To prevent you from going and dying-
That's first in the pleasures of pain !

Salmon Fishing Extraordinary.
SCoTcH papers say there is excellent sport on the Earn and the Tay.
An Irish correspondent wants to know whether the Tay Earn"
salmon are caught ready boiled.

THERE are some quotations we make from papers-they are (in jus-
tice to the press) chiefly advertisements-which are so funny that no
comment we can add can make them more laughable. There are also,
alas! some quotations to which not even the sudden and unexpected
gravity of the professed jester can lend solemnity. .We, therefore,
simply lay before the British people, which in its merriest moments can
feel the heart beating in its bosom, the following extracts from the
newspaper reports of a recent enquiry at St. Pancras Workhouse. We
may premise that the enquiry was originated by a letter addressed to
MRA. FARNALL by an Independent minister, who saw a child "laid out"
when it was not dead, and who, in the right impulse of the moment,
wrote direct to the Poor Law Board. A poor baby-the sad old case
of ullius filius, its mother even deserting it-was brought to the work-
house in a very precarious state.
The baby lingered on till Thursday last, when those who had charge of it
assumed that it was dead, and, as is customary in such a case, its jaw was tied up,
and (Mr. Hillocks said) it was laid out.' It was really at this moment still alive,
although it died an hour afterwards. Mr. Hillocks, seeing this, called attention to
the Tact, saying, Why don't you fetch a doctor ?' He says that they told him this
was a duty of the superintendent, and to her apartments he accordingly N cnt. She
was at the time with some friends, however she went with him into the nursery, and
looked at the poor baby, but preferred to dispute over it with Mr. B illocks as to
whether its then condition could justify any charge of cruelty against the nurses or
herself instead of sending for the doctor. She did not send, and an hour afterwards
the child was really, not only seemingly, dead."
MR. HIILOCKS, who certainly cannot be accused of making even hil-
locks out of mole-hills, set a Poor Law Enquiry afoot, and the medical
officer was examined :-
Mr. William Frederick Butt, the senior resident medical officer of the work-
house, was called. IHe described his duties, as printed, and among them was an
order that he should visit the infant nursery three times a week. He saw this
child on the Monday, and it died on the Thursday, and he admitted that he was not
in the nursery between Monday and Thursday. IHe was not called to the child when
it was dying, and he knew nothing about its death until afterwards. Mr. Farnall
asked the witness how he carried out his duties of visiting the nursery three times a


*^ ,.,,

..... I



. .
4 \ .. .--



MARCH 31, 1866.]


week, and he replied he believed it was visited the requisite number of times either
by himself or his junior officer ; but further inquiry proved that the nursery was
not visited at all by either of the medical officers from the Monday till the Saturday
of last week. The witness further stated that the child, when seen by him, was i
ordered an ounce of wine* a day from Monday, it appearing ill, but apparently
r ,..... ...: ir.-. r disease. On Mr. Farnall inquiring for the medical qficer's
.' ..... ...~d cout that -no such book was kept, as was ordered by the
Poor Law Board, to show these facts, and it was stated that the order-book would
show that wine was ordered for this child. The order-book was brought, but the
order was not in it, and then it was said the order was given verbally. The witness
further stated that lie had ordered the child t7 have a pint of milk to be given it daily,,
hi addition to its being suckled and this order was also give verbally."
All this, of course, reflects infinite credit on the St. Pancras ad-
ministration. Mus. MARGARET SAssox, who appears to have passed
(until this enquiry into her fitness was prosecuted) as the "lady-
superintendent," but whose position is that of midwife and superin-
tendent, gives evidence, which, we need hardly say, does not prove
much-against herself. There is a little difference between her and the
doctor as to a promise which she thinks he made to visit a patient in
the ward on that particular day-a promise which he denies, and of
which (such is the excellence of the St. Pancras records) there is no
memorandum. But
With respect to the scene of Thursday described by Hr. HIillocks, she said that
a few minutes before 4 o'clock the pauper nurse of the nursery had been with her,
and had spoken about poor little Adams,' who, she said, was not gone yt.'It
Soon after Mr. IHillocks cunme and spoke warmly and vehemently about that child
laid out for dead," and which he told her was alive. She went with him to the
nursery snd saw the child, which was alive, but it was not bandaged up as doe-
scribed by Mr. Hlillocks. She allowed, in cross-examination by Mr. Hillocks, that
she had upbraided the nurse for puttig- the bandage on, for it had been on."
Our readers will be astonished to learn that with this evidence before
him, Mit. FARINALL, without any comment, declared the case closed,"
according to the Times,-according to another authority virtually
" dismissed the accusation." Why he did so, it is not so easy to see,
as it is to account for either of the two following facts.
"A rote of thanks iwes passedto the Commissioner, and the proceedings termi-
nated. The guardians then gathered round Mr. Hillocks, and severely censured
him for appealing to the Poor Law Board, and for allowing the matter to become
I thinlc

THE following circular has been addressed from a -street in Walworth
to the amateur singers of Lambeth, Kennington, Clapham, and Cam-
Sir,-It is intended to produceat'- Theatre,' -on Easter Monday, April 2nd,
Weber's romantic opera Der 1 'eywehutz. In order to give effect to the splendid
choruses, and that the whole opera may be placed upon the stage in a manner
hithert' "n-'rp'-.od. cer-t efforts will be made. I have therefore to ask whether
you wiu ...i. I. i. s .I -uI You will have a free admission for yourself and
friend each night to the boxes. Upon receiving your reply I will forward the music
and dates of the evening rehearsals. I am, sir, &c., &c."
Of course this is a capital thing for those amateurs who are dying to
make an appearance on any stage, and a great saving for the manage-
ment. How far the public will be benefited is another question.
Of course the plan can be extended with considerable effect. We
shall have spirited managers writing to invite various volunteer corps
to take part in the fight in Henry the Fourth, or begging distinguished
Freemasons and teetotallers to lend their experience, in the matter of:
processions and banners, to the production of Le Proph ite in-su-
perior style.
The spirited manager of "- Theatre," has not to our knowledge
ever appeared on the stage, except to bow his thanks. But he ought
to make a great actor, for he evidently has studied human nature, and
has a profound knowledge of its infirmities.

Alarming Military Intelligence.
A GRAVE cotemporary by no means in the habit of joking gives us
the following startling information :
Governor Sir Richard Airey, who is universally esteemed and liked, has shaved
off his moustache."
This is imposing! but we can beat it. His Royal Highness the Field
Marshal Commanding in Chief, for whom the whole army entertains
so deep a regard, has recently had his hair cut.

Literary Intelligence.
THE success of the Hornvey Hiornet has raised a swarm of imitations.
We hear rumours of a Wandsworth Wopse, a Bermondsey Bumblebee (a
parochial organ, of course), a Blaekfriars Bluebottle, and a Camberwell
Cockroach. The Newington Gnat is only a hum.
The wine to be administered by a pauper nurse, and, possibly, administered-
to herself.
+ Not even after having had its jaw tied up, and being so nicely laid out But
there is no bounds to the ingratitude of paupers.
7 This final paragraph is earnestly but unfortunately so strongly expressed, that
we are compelled to expunge it.--ED.

DEAn Any, your letter appealing
For news, came at breakfast to-day,
Confess I've a heart full of feeling
For writing without a delay.
And yet I must freely acknowledge
I'm dull, so it's pleasant to write,
For CHAtLLEY has gone off to college,
And FuED goes to London to-night,
To pass for an army commission-
He's worked till he's ill, lie dolares;
But I hardly think the position
For work was on two easy chairs.
And yet I've no news, though in stating
That fact I'm a little too fast,
My AMY, we've had one day's skating,
But that was too pleasant to last.
Last week the round pond was well coated
With ice that was charmingly strong,
And so the whole day was devoted
To waltzing and whirling along.
FRED vowed I looked lovely in ermine,
And, AMY, I think he was right,
He then said-what made me determine
To give him a snubbing at night.
We had a quadrille, and the dancing
In skates is the nicest of all;
We flirted-I caught myself glancing
The way that one does:at a ball.
And CHARLEY got slightly abusive,
And said I was quite a coquette-
Iis dream is absurdly illusive,
And still the boy cannot forget.
He prattled of marriage expenses,
Said love in a cottage was nice,
I bade him take heed,-in two senses
I told him he trod upon ice.
And then when the day was declining,
And sunset was red in the sky,
And lights in the window 'were -shining,
We put off our skates with a sigh.
No more would the ring of the metal,
Be heard in the keen icy air,
We planned for next day, but to settle
Was folly-the pond wouldn't bear.
I really could hardly help crying,
So much of our pleasure was lost,
And now, dear, while lovers are sighing
For me,-I sigh only for frost!

WANTED a CURATE for A- I)erbyshire, diocese Lichfield, population
3,800, of active habits, and sound but not extreme views; country agreeable ;
air bracing and healthy. A TITLE may be given. Stipend 85.
Address the Vicar.
Here we have a vicar (and all honour to him for making a real
change in the usual hackneyed method of advertising) who, instead of
setting forth a long list of perfections required in a fellow-labourer,
wisely confines himself to an account of his own parish and population,
which, by the way, must be quite a settlement of athletic Utopians.
"Population 3,300, of active habits, and sound but not extreme views."
Truly this must be a modc/, if not a perfect cure Rectors, vicars, and
incumbents of England, exists there such another parish Say, if ye
know it, for the more we hear of such enuracies, the better for the hard-
working, ill-paid genus that serves them. Let only an increase of
this kind of advertisement take place, and we shall expect such a
" tightness in the curate market as to compel those parishes of large
population that cannot boast of active habits and sound views to
make up in stipend for what cannot be offered in stamina.

The Worship of Bunkum.
WE read that MB. GEanon CaRUICKHANK has had the honour of ex-
hibiting his "Worship of Bacchus" to HER MAJESTY. It is stated by
a contemporary that lie availed himself of the opportunity of delivering
a sort of temperance lecluro." It would have been more in accordance
with his professions if he had been a total abstainer on this occasion,
from a topic which has such an intoxicating effect on its votaries.


-______ _____i_________

28 FU'N [MARCH 31, 1SG6.

WHILE the world is in wonderment waiting
I ---- _- -- Some novel political plan,
1,,.. _While Parliament's vainly debating
The rights of the labouring man,
A I FASL While speeches provoking "division"
Each morn take the public by storm,
--I will just, with your gentle permission,
Si Bring in my own Bill of Reoform.
It embraces a few quiet changes,
For my own good and that of the Stato;
SO'er a host of small matters it ranges-
S A It would benefit humble and great:
I oft have discussed it, when lonely,
,i Reclined in my pot easy chair,
I you,- r[rT MI" AR I have passed it myself, and fear only
They may say I build in the air !
'Twould make life one gay circle of pleasure,
STo each a rich share should befdl,
Wealth should flow in no niggardly measure,
a-dninAnd mine should be fullest of all.
W- b h fA face should be mine, and complexion
S" Would charm, without fail, each fair maid,
h I M~y dress should be simply perfection,
My tailor should always be paid!
S I ',-.--.- er Our island in sunshine should revel,

Cabmon never should speak of the d- ,
i a And never ask more than their fare.
-'tSweet faces estates should inherit-
a a ui Their glances should fascinate still:
Each i ch uncle should stimulate merit,
And no'er make mistakes in his will!
--. :--Of money and every possession,
S.- A re-distribution I'd claim;
I would dower each trade and profess-on
-a-- o rl ith a new stock of fortune and fame.
A- FA ION BL AL IN aThe worthy should prosper and flourish,
A FASHIONABLE CALLING. W while hombugs should find it t warm":-
Sweep:-" No, MUM, MY WIFE AuIN'T AT 'OME, SHE 'AVE JUST GONE But I fe;r it is idle to nourish
OUT FOR A DRIVE WITH ANOTHiER LADY! Those hopes of my favourite Reform!

MRS. BROWN AT A PUBLIC DINNER. and as soon as she looks at it she shakes her head and says, "You can
never wear it in this world without a new body, as a black velvet
I'LL tell you, as. S hnieNs, how it was I come for to go, for I said jacket is what I should advise."
to BROwN when first mentioned, "I never heard tell ot such a thing I says, "I never can dine in a jacket." "Well, then," she says,
in my born days, as though not a-sinkin' in the wale of years is no "have a velvet body made low."
longer for to be thought a gal; the idea of any one as is a lady a-dinin' I says, "It won't be no use afterwards." She says, "It would be,"
in public like that." BRowN he says, "It's what your betters has and so I let her have her way, a-trustin' to her taste.
done, and even QUEEN VICTORIA herself, as I see with my own eyes When the day come I was all of a fidget, because she hadn't brought
a-dinin' in Guildhall with the Lord Mayor long afore the PRINca OF I it home; no more she didn't not till nigh on two o'clock, and when I
WA E.s was born or thought of, or ever she was married." put it on the way as I had to squeeze to get into it was regular suffo-
Well," I says, "it seems bold to me, and though I do hold with cation. I never see such a dress for lowness.
the newspaper, and am sure as a more respectable man than M n. I says, Miss CoemT, why, I should be pointed at if I was to go
IIACKaET never drew breath, as we gets our Weekly Lloyd's from about undressed like that." She says, "Oh, Mus. Bauows, you must
regular every Saturday, and his wife a pattern of neatness for to keep if you're going' out to dinner."
seven children on newspapers, with nothing' else to mention but Well, I didn't much relish the idea, and it was all too tight for me
sweetstuff and ha'penny canes, as ain't much to bring a family up about the arms. I'd got a very pretty cap trimmed with white satin
upon." "Well," says BfowN, "I've took the tickets out of respect and a flower, with white gloves and a yellow scarf. I thought I
for HACKET, as is a man I looks up to, and was drawed for the jury never should have got them gloves on, and then the fingers was a
with; so whether you go or whether you don't, I'm a-goine', inch too long.
can do as you likes." Certainly BaowN he did look noble. With hair brushed back over
Well, you see, MAis. WILhIax s, mum, through not bein' one to hold his forehead, and a clean shirt with a frill, as is a thing as becomes
out I give in, as I heerd say through MRS. HAcxr.T, as the dinner him, and a handsome green velvet waistcoat, with his watch ribbon
was to be very grand, and she says, The speeches is enough for to and a bunch of seals, I do assure you I felt proud on him.
make you cry your eyes out." I says, "I do like to enjoy myself like The moment he see me he says, "Come, old gal, none of your lamb
that, so I'll go." fashion for me; you put something' more over your shoulders." Miss
What to wear puzzled me, for, you see, dinin' in public is such a ConrIT says, i M. BnowsN, you'll spoil the look of the gownd as fits
thing for to make you stared at. So I looks up what I'd got, and like wax."
found a dress as would do wonderful well. I felt as Btowa was right, so I goes up and rummages out a swans-
I don't know how it is, but I do think as there is truth in a-keepin' down cape, as just fitted over nicely. I had my ridicule, and a fan
a thing seven years, as the sayin' is, and it will come in again, for with a smellin'-bottle for fear of my head comin' on.
I'm sure that dress ain't seen daylight these five years, and very well Bnowx he was full of his jeers, but both Miss ConmT and Mts.
it looked, through bein' a purple satinette; but, law bless you, when CHALLEN said as I looked quite noble, and as to the gal, she said she
I went to put it on my waist was under my arms, and it wouldn't never see anything' like me but waxwork. Bowx busts out a-laughin',
meet by ever so much. a-sayin' as I should be run away with afore the night was over.
Well, Miss ConTas, as is in the dressmakin' line, as I'd sent to, One thing I did not relish was a-goin' out in a cab without my

MAR C 31, 1866.]


bonnet, as did seem that strange and look very bold. Off we went,
and the cab jolted and jumped about a good deal, and splashed in at
the winders that frightful, and I do assure you I got a lump of mud
as big as a shillin' right slap across my nose and another one come
dab in my eye. I was afraid to wipe it off, known' how it would
smear, so had to set with one eye shut all the rest of the way for to
let it dry. The cab as we went in was beastly dirty, and soiled my
white kids dreadfully.
Wasn't I glad when we got to the 'all where the dinner was to be,
but my legs was that cramped with setting' cooped up in that cab so
long that in getting' out I sketched my foot in my gownd and fell
sprawlin' on the pavement, as they'd covered with a mat, or I should
have been begrimed to death from head to foot.
I'm sure if I had been QUEEN VICTORIA herself I could not a-been
treated more noble like by gentlemen in black with snow-like bosoms
to their shirts as showed me in, and give me over to the lady as looked
after the ladies, as helped me for to get the splashes off my face and
set me to rights in general.
I'd have give the world for the least drop of something' jest to com-
pose the nerves, for I was all of a tremble; but thinking' as dinner
would take it off I didn't say nothing .
I was rather took a-back when I heerd six was the hour, and felt as'
I must have a-somethin', for we was a hour too soon; but law, the
place was that solemn and genteel I'd have died afore I'd have asked.
So I sat a-waitin' and wishin' as it was tea as we was goin' to have,
for the smell of soup made me feel rather all-overish.
It was ever so long afore parties arrived, but when they did come
they was pretty thick, and I never see such dresses, and I must say as
I didn't consider as I looked despisable, and as to BRowN he looked a
regular king among 'em.
There was a many high characters come for to dine, and him as they
called the chairman was a Member of Parliament, but, law bless you,
no pride, a-speakin' quite facetious, but it must have been half-past
six afore we set down.
I never did see such a noble room as it were, fit for kings and queens,
and the silver on them tables, with the clean cloths and napkins, as
must make the washin' alone a little fortune; there was three wine-
glasses to every one; and the parties as waited looked a deal better
than many as was a-settin' down, though I didn't much care about
havin' the soup spilt in my lap, as BsowN said was all my fault
through me not a-lettin' the man put it down afore me. It was lucky
as I had my napkin handy, or my gownd would have been ruined, and
the waiter he give me a clean one in a jiffey.
I says to BROWeN, "If you likes mock turtles as is 'up to the knocker,'
take some;" but he said as it's too good for him, bein' meat and
drink too.
I was glad when I got a glass of wine, for I did want a something .
I didn't have no fish, but just a patty, as was enough for a relish ; and
then come the real dinner, as was good and wholesome and beautiful
I never tasted a better crust than there were to a pigeon-pie. I
says, This was never made by a heavy hand ;" and the lady as was
opposite says, Bless you, no; their pie-crusts might be blowed away
for lightness."
She was a nice-lookin' woman, but that stout as made me tremble,
for her bein' laced in as she was didn't seem able for to feed herself
nor draw her breath comfortable. I can't say what I did have nor
what I didn't have, for they was a-changin' my plate perpetual.
I says, "However they gets through the washin'-up puzzles me--
they must do it by steam." "No," says a party as was opposite,
"hot water."
I says, "Excuse me, but I ought to know how to wash a dish, as
requires scaldin' water to get the grease off and plenty of cold for
There was pastry in plenty and jellies and all manner, and then
come the cheese and salad, not as I ever takes green meat myself after

a hearty meal, as don't seem natural; but I certainly did enjoy the
pull as I got at the beer, as I'd been a-starvin' for all dinner. I wish
as my body had been a little more easy in the armholes, and as to my
swansdown tippet it was suffocatin' me. After the cheese there was
a deal of hammering and some parties sung beautiful though short,
and I says, "Brayvo! but, law bless you, BRowN give me such a
drive and says, "Hold your row, it's grace as they're a-singin'."
I says, "More shame for 'em. Let people say grace for theirselves,
and not go howlin' it like that all over the place," though they sung
very nice I must allow.
I never did hear anything' like the way as that chairman and them
gentlemen talked, sometimes a-makin' you die with laughter, and then
a-talkin' about the sick, the widder, and the orphin, till I'd a lump in
my throat as made me feel dreadful choky. As to the poor lady
opposite it was very nigh her death, for she'd got her mouth full of
nuts or something' dry, and took a drop of wine just as something' was
said funny on the top of her sheddin' a tear, and I did think as her
breath was gone for ever. I says, Undo her whatever you do," and

if some one hadn't had a knife handy, she never would have got
through it.
Well, that upset me, and what with the clatterin' of plates and
knives and forks, and talking' and sincin', and the lights and the heat,
I was that confused as I didn't hardly know where I was, though I
must say as there was lovely singing as made me drop off' a little bit
though listening' attentive, as I'm apt to do in church.
At last, home we went, and the way as my head whirled round in
that cab I never did, and in the morning' BIlowN asked me how I was ?
I says, "As fresh as a daisy."
"Ah! he says, "that comes of it's bein' good wino.' I says,
What do you mean ? "
He says, "Never mind." I must svy as it was a lovely dinner, and
I shouldn't mind if them newsvendurs was to dine together once a
month and ask me.

THim play was over, the singer came in
And passed by the table and nodded to all,
A whisper was heard over tumblers of gin,
And murmurs of horror pervaded the hall.
And he soon appeared on the lonely stage,
And chanted a melody stale and coarse,
That made young gentlemen stamp with rage,
And the throats of the audience hoarse.
The manager sigh'd as his snuff-box he scann'd,
His friends slipp'd slily away;
The waiter stood with a steak in his hand,
And groan'd with his hand on the tray.
The habitud thought "I have heard many songs,
But never a one so sad,
If that dreary man these strains prolongs
We shall all go raving mad!!"

E. H. L., Langham Hotel.-No more riddles, sive vous plait.
McBEATH, junr.-You are better, now you are personal; but still not
funny enough for insertion.
The author of My Pretty Jane" should know that poetry is a near ap-
proach to perfection, and therefore that such imperfect spelling as
"allibaster is a little against his success as a poet.
G. JAMES asks, "Will you allow the above "-which is overleaf-" to
appear in your next number ? No nor in any other will we oblige him
by inserting offensive personal abuse.
J. B. C.-We have so many real correspondents to answer that we can't
insert your fictitious replies.
KALLY BANN sends us a poem about his aching Molar." As we can't
put it in, he had better take the usual advice and "have it out."
W. S., Edinburgh, and W. L., Walworth-road (united ages 21 years;
their heads hardly appearing above the dock), are discharged with a caution.
If found attempting to commit jokes or utter counterfeit puns again they
will be sent to a reformatory.
G. H.-It is a pity you should have sent us that joke about stairs and
"glances" which its author was too bashful to send. HIe of course
ought to be ashamed of it, but why bring yourself into the condemnation ?
SOMNAMBULIST.-Won't suit our walk, which is wide awake.
Our refusal to insert "Nemo's contribution can hurt nobody's feelings.
We shall be happy to insert L. H.'s epigram on the Wareham Corporn-
tion, if he will kindly forward the point, which was omitted in his of the 3rd.
A. sends copy and asks to be "made miserable" in our "Answers" if ii
is not accepted. Meantime, he "will invest in FUN for a fortnight, and at
the end of that time consider" the propriety of continuing to take in FIUN."
He doesn't take us in by this, nor shall we take him in in order (if he con-
tinues to buy the paper to save him), from committing a tu quoque.
D. J. T., Dundee, asks our opinion about some drawings, which he says
are his first. Our opinion is that they are his last, and he shouldn't go
beyond them.
T. P. Y., Mark-lane.-That joke about Fenians and .Faindants again ?
Have you no r-spect for age ?
K. N.-In spite of the signature there is nothing peppery or piquant
about My Lover."
S. A. H., Kensington.-We are sorry we cannot agree with you; but
."may difference of opinion never alter friendship," as the gentleman said
when he gave an acquaintance a black eye in an argument.
WV. W.-Wo don't mean to trouble you.
J. S., Mark-lane, "sends us a specimen of his vein." It is nothing to
be vain of.
The author of An Idyll of a Governess" (Sleaford), who states that
he "lives by his wits," must have a slender competence, to judge from
Declined with thanks-W. F. P., Islington; W. P. C.; T. B. E., Bur-
ton-on-Trent; Fond of Fun; II. P., Fenchurch-street; R. 11. S.; W. J. C.;
J. M. D.; H. G. P.; Ibex; O. S. B.; It. W.


THERE are pretty things everywhere in this world, if we will only
take the trouble to look for them. But of all pretty things it is
universally allowed that none are prettier than flowers. It would seem
that French people-particularly women- were sent upon this planet
for the purpose of saying, Tiens! Que c'est joli !" The utterance of
these words gives an opportunity for raising the eyebrows and the
hands, and for dilating the eyes, and otherwise showing that you are a
person of refinement of feeling, perception, and taste. The words
" Tiens Que c'est joli!" are always applicable to flowers; therefore,
the Flower Markets of Paris are favourite spots, and much frequented
by ladies, ces petites dames, and those wonderful Parisiennes whose
rolling black eyes give you the notion that they-the eyes-were
originally intended for handsomer faces.
The Flower Market by the side of the Madeleine is a pleasant lounge
-a sort of floral camp, where you walk beneath canvas, and criticise
bouquets, ankles, breakfasts, and mutual acquaintances. The odd
thing is that the place appears to be a promenade, and not a market.
People walk up and down and cry, Tiens Que 'est joli!" but they
don't buy. The very fat, white-capped women who vend the lilies,
roses, fuchsias, and all the tender tribes of the garden, look matronly,
but they don't sell, at least I never saw them or heard them, and I
never knew any fellow who said he had ever seen them or heard them.
There is a delightful odour from the flowers. You are the more
conscious of their sweetness when a petite maitresse, highly coloured
and strongly perfumed, waddles gracefully by you. Psh! how inferior
is an essence to a flower! The little dog the petite maitresse carries is
painted and perfumed as overpoweringly as his proprietrix. Poor
dog! how his proprietrix must love him! And what a wonderful
creature is the gandin who follows Where did he find the pattern of
that gorgeous waistcoat of which he is so proud ? Not among the
flowers he passes by so heedlessly! How superior is Nature to a
tailor ,
With which remark, with the kind permission of MESSRS. E. MOSES
AN.D SUN, we will leave our readers to the enjoyment of our engraving.

A LOWE Bir.-The M.P. for Calne's bid for office with the Tories.

All Work and No Play.
THE patron of showers is the last person we should suspect of a re-
luctance to "down with his dust," but the following advertisement
anent St. Swithin's hints that there must be a fall" (as the meteoro-
logical almanacs say) in our estimation of him :
A N ORGANIST is REQUIRED for the Sunday Mornaing Early Lecture at St.
- Swithin's Church, Cannon-street, City. Duties from April to September. Re-
muneration, 2 guineas. The service commences at 6.30 a.m. Address etc.
If this is to be taken as it is written, the organist is offered the noble
salary of a trifle more than eighteen-pence a week. We should like to
know how much it is proposed to pay the man who blows the bellows ?
Music must have charms not only to soothe the savage breast, but to
clothe the bare back and fill the empty stomach, if men can be found
to undertake so paying a profession as that of organist would
seem to be.

An Ode to Ann O'Dyne.
"An eminent surgeon has invented a new and safe method of deadening pain, by
directing, through a fine rose, a strong stream of ether against the part to be
operated on."
On happy cold idea of ether,
Of bother clear charmer-away!
The wild pain thus eased altogether,
For ether the world shouts "hooray! "

Prodigious !
MR. FRANK BUCKLAND gives an account in land and fater of a
monster salmon, weighing sixty-nine pounds, net catch; and nearly
five feet long. MR. BUCKLAND will pardon our saying that a salmon of
this size appears very like a whale !

NOTICE.-From the commencement of this Volume will be pub-
lished, in addition to the usual issue at One Penny, a Special Edition of
each number at Twopence, carefully printed on superfine ash-grey toned
paper. Terms of Subscription :-Stamped, 13s.; Unstamped, 8s. 8d. per
"Fun," tous les Mercredis, chez MESSRS. W. S. KIKLAND ET CE.,
Rue d'e Pichelicu, No. 27, Paris.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phlmix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-March 31, 1866.

APRIL 7, 1866.]

-cfi:~Z-Of &~



Y Jove, the god of thunder, and by Mars, the god of war,
There's a method and a meaning in your peaceable alliance;
Descent, but not a falling, from the chivalry of yore,
In the bands that bear the motto of "Defence and not Defiance."

WE have been greatly amused by the prospectus of a joint-stock
association calling itself "The Graphotype Company, Limited." The
graphotype is a new process by which it is proposed to supersede wood-
engraving. It is not without merit; but such mis-statements and
suppressions as are to be found in the prospectus must not pass un-
noticed. We will briefly describe the process. The artist draws on a
slab of prepared chalk with prepared ink which hardens the chalk. A
velvet brush removes the soft chalk, leaving the inked lines standing
a stereotype is taken from this, and what professes to be a fac
simile of the artist's work produced. In addition to this, as the pro-
spectus asserts (not very grammatically), "a very great saving of time
and cost are effected."
It is modestly proposed to "charge at the average rate of one half
the present price of wood-engraving, while the actual cost is not more
than one-twentieth!" Pretty fair profits these gentlemen aim at!
Now let us see what is to be said on the other side.
If graphotype reduces the engraver's price it will increase that which
the artist must charge. For the drawing on the chalk must be the
nicest and most elaborate niggle-and there can be no alterations made
-no lights touched in. Such drawings will take the draughtsman
three times as long as a drawing on the wood, where he can use
washes or other indications, just as intelligible to an engraver as abbre-
viations to a printer; and in this we make no calculations for acci-
dents-the spilling of a blot of ink, or a slip of the pen on the chalk,
which would necessitate a new drawing when the damaged one was
possibly just finished. And that these accidents will happen may be
expected-it is long before an artist overcomes the nervousness of
putting his first strokes on the block-and yet a block is not half such
a serious matter as a graphotype slab whereon errors are indelible.
As far as cost goes, therefore, the difference will not be great, nor will
there be much saving of time where the artist has to elaborate so much.
Anyone who has experience in these matters knows that under the pre-
sent system it is the artist who consumes the time, the engraver who
has to work against time to make up for the loss. Graphotype won't,
at all events, make artists more rapid.
Another, and a fatal objection to the system is, that it offers nothing
but a stereo, or at best an electro to print from. The con noisseur knows
at a glance the difference between a print from metal and from wood,
and even the unskilled detect a something, though they cannot account
for it.

In the day of our suspicions, of our doubts and our alarms,
Camethe dragon-teeth of danger from the Cadmus of a panic;
A.t the bugle-note of warning rose a kingdom up in arms,-
From the lofty to the lowly, from patrician to mechanic.

lave they perished, the suspicions-are they dead and gone, the fears
While a neighbour lives to taunt us, an America to bluster?
Let the solid men of Brummagem lend mook, pacific ears,
To Muster" BmRIGHT, if they who'll fight stick only to the muster.

And we know that ye can answer, whether called upon to share
In a holiday's amusement or a duty of the sternest;
And our foes may learn the lesson-or may doubt it if they dare-
That the men who play at killing can be terribly in earnest.

Your friends may give a giggle, and your enemies a sneer,
To the failings of your tactics and the faults of your apparel;
But there's after all a purpose in the rawest volunteer,
With a knee upon the heather and an eye upon the barrel.

Let your battle-field be Brighton, and your battle be a sham,
Let your victory be bloodless, and your enemy a brother;
Should your duty need a lion where your pleasure found a lamb,
You can fight again, it may be, as you fought with one another.

Your praises ask a trumpet-I can offer but a luto-
Yet I ask you (that my offer may be all the more emphatic);
Is there any corps in Britain that will take a young recruit
Who is nervous, and consumptive, and incurably rheumatic p

Finally, there are points on which the artist is at times indebted to
the intelligence of the engraver. There are errors which the latter's
experience teaches him to detect before cutting, while the artist would
discover them when printed. To borrow an illustration from the
prospectus, the engraver would correct blunders, as an intelligent
printing-office reader would have corrected the following very charm-
ing sentence of which the Graphotypo did not discover the fault:-
"In order to bring home, etc., the process will be explained and proofs exhibited
from ten to four, cards of admission to which may be obtained, etc."
Cards of admission to what p Four, or ten, or the proofs, or the
process ?
A few letters are quoted at the end, as proofs of the excellence of the
invention. It is easy to understand how a good-natured artist might
be entrapped into gushing from civility, and when he was not aware
that what he said might be used against him. Why did not the
Graphotypers try this dodge instead of giving a letter from Ma. Woon-
WARD, who is an admirable librarian, but not a practical draughtsman,
and from MR. CHARLEs KINeSLEY, who is a great novelist, but can't
draw a bit, as he proved by his illustrations of The ireeok Fairy Tales,
even after they had been "helped on" by those very engravers on
whom he now turns round.
We quite believe that a process will be invented before long, which
for some purposes, and to some extent, may supersede wood-engraving,
but it must be less costly, more expeditious, and more accurate than
the Graphotype.

"Incidit in Scyllam "-
OF EARL BRnowLow, a scholar so glib dis-
Courses in terms willy nilly-
Says Berkhamstead Common C'ribbed is,
And he's fallen foul of by SCILLY.

Useful if not Warne-amental.
MR. DISUAELI'S works are about to be published not as was first an-
nounced by MassRs. ROUTLEDGE, but by MEssRS. WARNE. The
change is appropriate. The gifted author has always been a WARNE-
ing to literary men.
WHY, if you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as
stepping into his shoes ? Because you make his feet yours (features).




[APIm 7, 1866.


Q Inbin MaIh.

.-. HAT has come to
the Times? Since
S it took to such
very strong ad-
vocacy of MR.
Lows, it appears
to have lost all
.-sense of what is
manly. Its ac-
count of the Ox-
V, ford and Cam-
4/ bridge race is
simply ludicrous.
In describing the
well known
barge incident it
M.r stated that when
the barge was
crossing to the
Middlesex 'side,
of the two eights,
A which were near-
/" O |ly abreast, the
Oxford passed
S urder the stern
-, while the Cam-
bridge went be-
-' fore the bow.
S',' When I remind
m' y readers that
the Oxford hoat
Swas on the Mid-
dlesex side the
absurdity of this
is apparent-the
fact was both
boats passed in front of the barge. Several blunders were also com-
mitted in the account of the Amateur athletics at Beaufort House.
Clearly the Thunderer doesn't get his bolts forged by a deft Cyclops as
he used, for he is always apologising for bungles
IT was a splendid race. Whatever may be said to the contrary, the
Oxford men were pulling easily within their strength up to the Eyot
where the mighty BuowN called on them for a little more. And the
rowing of Cambridge was very good too-there was but one man
knocked at all out of time, and that was only in the final spurt when
all was lost. The thing which decides the question is simply the
stroke-the Pall .Mall solves the mystery when it winds up its article
(the best ever written on a boat-race by the way) in some words like
these-" Oxford took it at the beginning, and Cambridge did not." I
should like to know who wrote that Pall Mlall paper. It might be
IuronEs, for he once wrote a good account of a race in Tom Brown
at Oxford."
IT is with deep regret that I have to refer to a disreputable scese
which took place on the night before the boat-race at a place not many
miles from Covent Garden. It has been the custom for the university
lads to congregate there before and after the boat-race and make a
clamour, but on this occasion they actually came to blows. This is
simply disgraceful. The rivalry between the two universities has
always been a friendly, or at all events a gentlemanly one. Now the
light blue and dark blue are tarnished alike, because while eighteen
gentlemen sacrifice comfort and pleasure-possibly health-to support
the honour of the universities, a sot of cubs will brawl in a supper-
room. Town and Gown" is a relic of bygone barbarism, kept up by
muscular Christianity and animal spirits, but Gown and Gown" is
tli result of a decline in the universities. I hope I shall hear no more
of it.
THE picture galleries are beginning to show with the early asparagus
and new potato. An International Fine Arts Company (Limited) has
opened the gallery lately occupied by the Female Artists in Pall Mall.
It is worth a visit, if only for the sake of ALMA TADEMA'S Cicero"-
a masterpiece. The pictures are chiefly-I may say entirely-foreign,
but English works are not obtainable at this time of the year. There
are some fine landscapes and some clever water-colours. The Society
of British Artists, in Suffolk-street, has also opened its doors-and a
very poor show as a whole they make. BAIRNEs, HAYES, and one or two
others of the new members are trying to wake the old fogies up, but it
is almost impossible. There is hope, however; for they have actually,
it would seem, induced the society to put a few decent chairs and an

ottoman in their hitherto bare chambers. The hanging is abominable
-the bad pictures are on the line (mostly contributed by members)
and the good ones up near the ceiling or down on the floor-they have
actually put a THuo ".in the latter position! Then there are about
three times as many pictures hung as there ought to be, judging
merely by number not merit-if the latter were the standard there
would scarcely be twenty pictures on the walls. Still the B. P. may
pay its shilling and not grumble, considering it gets BARNES'S very
fine "Passion and Patience," HAYES'S seas, COLE's land, and
LiNTON'S soldier. One evidence of the light in which Suffolk-street is
regarded by artists may be found in the immense number of pictures
there in which a soldier is writing on a drum. The painters look
on the gallery as a shop for pot-boilers, and send their model-club
studies to it!
IT appears I made a mistake in my rsum4 of the Reform Debate, as
several correspondents have been good enough to point out. I
attributed to Ma. GATHORNE IHARDY a speech made by Mu. Jown
HARDY, M.P. for Dartmouth. The mistake was a very natural one,'
for I am glad to say I don't know the M.P. for Oxford University even
by sight, and recollecting his Penenden Heath amenities thought from
the style that the speech in question was his.

I PRAYED one night, in deep unrest,
That mighty JovE would deign
To fix into my neighbour's breast
A good-sized window-pane;
I wanted much to see his heart,
For JONES and I were friends,
And vowed that death alone should part
Our common aims and ends.
Our families were tall and stout;
Our homeswecre in one street-
Whenever Ma. JONES went out
My wife was there to greet;
Our daughters shopped and joined their store-
Their change was never right;
Our boys played cricket, sneered at law,
Had now and then a fight.
Great JovE was kind, and heard my prayer-
Next day, on meeting JONES,
I saw right through him, clear as air,
Through muscle, flesh, and bones.
A wondrous peep-show truly that,
As JONES unconscious stood,
And, volunteer-like, touched his hat,
And hoped my health was good;
And asked so tenderly and kind
About my girls and boys;
And said I must make up my mind
To come and "have some noise"-
Drop in quite neighborly to dine
Some day, and stop to tea,
When disengaged, and weather fine,
With all my family ?
I said, with pleasure "-but reserve
Just then my curious look:
Perhaps I've scarce sufficient nerve
To scan his mental hook;
So pause, and add, To clay I find
There's nothing much to do,
I take your invitation kind,
And will be there by two."
"That's right," says JONES, with sweetest smile,
And fondly pressed my hand.
Hopeful, I snatched a glance the while,
To see how lay the land.
Up flashed a thought--" Confound the dunce !"
I read with deepest sorrow-
"Fancy the whole lot here at once-
Fe'll have the hare to0-morrow !"
Oh, JOVE, take back the fatal gift!"
JOVE heard my inward moans;
Filled up at once the gaping rift,
And left me nought but JONES.
No more to read my friends I pray:
They're there-and so's the steeple;
I vowed for ever from that day
To hate transparent people!

APRIL 7, 1866.]


ACT I.-SeNo, Room in Mrs. Lorrington's House.
BOTH.-We are on a visit to Mrs. Lorrington; she is very vulgar,
and uses much bad French. But soft-she comes!
Mns. L.-Ha! Commong voo portey paddywhack bang ? I am well-
BOTH.-No doubt! (Aside, to each other) Walker!
MRS. L.-Mais here sent my deux daughters, Hester and Lucy A
riche gentleman, Mr. Annerly, and a baronet's heir, Tom Sutherland,
are coming sur une visited, et my fille Hester shall marry Annerly, et ma
daughter Lucy, Tom Sutherland.
Enter HESTER and Lucy.
LucY.-Mother, I will not marry Tom Sutherland; and I don't
think Hester will marry Annerly.
MRS. L.-Gyurl! Comment dare vous ?
MRs. VW. (aside).-Then my Euphemia shall marry both.
HESTER.-By the way, somebody has- saved someone somewhere!
How noble! (Weeps.)
ALL.-Indeed! How truly noble! (All weep, and execunt.)
AN rnRLY.-I am the favourite of Fortune, alluded to in the bills.
I have twenty million a year-allow me to write somebody a cheque
for sny amount-!
ToM S.-Nay, dear Annerly, that were rash, for am I not the
shrewd Tom Sutherland ?
ANNEnsr.-True! I had forgot! Ha! the company arrives. I
will be rude to them. They will but smile, for I am the Favourito of
Ton S.-Do.
(Company arrives. Annerly is rude to them; but- they do. but smile, for he
is the Favourite of Fortune.)
ANNERLY (to Mirs. Witherby).-Your daughter is a fool!
Mns. W.-Oh, what a quiz you are, Mr. Annerly !
ANNERLY.--Mrs. Lorrington, you're a preposterous old absurdity!
MRS. L.-Quel spirits, vous have!
ANNERLY (to everybody).-You're a set of twaddling old duffers!
ALL.-What a singular power of repartee !
HESTEn.-Mr. Annerly, you are a conceited puppy!
ANNERLY (aside).-Ha! she-she alone lo loves me! (Aloud.) Miss
Lorrington, I thank you!
HESTEn (scorffully).-Cad!
TOM S.-Annerly, your secret is out; and the whole populace have
discovered that you are the somebody who somehow saved someone
(Enter the whole populace, who shake Annerly by the hand.)
HEBTER.-Mr. Annerly, I had no idea of this. You are the brave
man who somehow saved somebody somewhere, and you have twenty
million a-year! Accept my hand and my heart this moment.
(1Hugs him.)
ANERnLY.-Oh, hang it !
ACT II.-Garden attached to irs. Zorrington's house.
ANNERLY.-I am engaged to Hester, and there's no getting out of it!
Tom S.-I am ordered to propose to Lucy Lorrington-but I don't
want to.
LucY.-I am ordered to accept Tom Sutherland-but I don't
want to. (They propose to and accept each other, and exeunt.)
Enter Fox BROMLEY..
Fox B.-I am a scoundrel. I have a secret of Mrs. Lorrington's,
and I extract gold from her for preserving it.
MRS. L.-Ha! That man !
Fox B.-Give me gold, or I will reveal all!
MRS. L.-No !
ALL.-Oh, hero is Mr. Fox Bromley, who tells such delightful
stories! Tell us an anecdote.
Fox B.-I will. Once there was a barmaid who married a rich
man !
ALL.-Excellent, good! (They laugh eonsumedly.)
MRs. L.-It is false! It is not true! It is a fabrication! It is a
fib! But quoi, ha! ha! can it matter to nous ?
Fox B.-I forgot to add that her name was Betsy.

MRns. L.-Liar and esclave! But what if it was? 'Tis a most
entertaining story! (Aside.) Silence, et ,ous shall have ten thousand
per annum!
Fox B.-Good. (Is silent.)
ACT III.-Drawing-room in Mrs. Lorringten's House.
ANNERLY.-I have lost all my fortune, except my father's paltry
freehold of ninepence a-year! I must toll Hester.
Tom S.-She will reject you if you do.
A'NN ILY.-No such luck, I'm afraid. At all events, I'll try.
(Exit B.)
ToM S-Poor devil! (Exit L.)
Enter MAs. LonRINTONr and Fox BnROMLY C.
Fox B.-Make it twenty thousand a-year, or I will tell all!
MRs. L.-Monster! Void is a cheque pour the amount!
HESTER.-Mama In tears !
Las. L.- Wee, ma here! 1 will toll all. I am the fill of an inn-
keeper, and I ran away with a swell who married me in Ecosse, and
the pritre who married us can't be found; and this home was theo
only tdmoin. He dit that it was no real marriage, and that he will
announcer the fact unless I close his bouche with or !
HESTrz.-Mo0nster! But I must tell Aunerly. It will be a good
excuse for breaking off the match, for I hear that he is ruined.
Mlts. L.-Not,for worlds. Promise me that you will not betray my
HESTaE.-I do. But anyhow I will not marry him! He is.a
beggar! (Exeunt Mus. LouRINGTON and BROomxan)
ANNERLY.-NOw to toll all! Hester, I am ruined!
HESTER.-Indeed! But I cannot marry you; not, of course, fOr
that reason-I have another which I cannot tell you!
ANNERLY (aside).-Ha joy! but 1 must affect disgust. (Aloud.)
'Tis well, Miss Lorrington. I depart. False-hearted gyurl, you shall
see me no more. (&Erit.)
ACT IV.-The same. Night;

Enter Tom SUTHERLAND and LucY.
Teo S.-I thought I didn't like you, but I do !
Luce.-And I thought I didn't like you, but I do!
Tot S.-Then let us got married!
LucY.-We will! Like a bird! (
]nter Mus. LonRINOTOX and iHE1sTEt.
FMRS. L.-Well, Hester, you are confortablement hors de cela.
HIESTER.-Yes, thank goodness.
Enter ANNERLY in travelling costume.
ANNsRLY.-Well, I'm off. Good bye!
HESTER.-Good bye.
Mos. L.-Good bye. (Exit AN



ToM S.-Annerly is not ruined after all!
HIESTER.-No ? Then, ha! ha! send for him send for him! IMy
own love! My old, old love! Bring him back to me once more!
(Tom Sutherland brings him back.)
HESTEs.-Annerly, I will marry you.
ANNERLY.-No, don't!
HESTER.-But I will!
Tot S.-You will be pleased to hear that I have just discovered the
address of the clergyman who married your father and mother. I have
this moment written to him, and notwithstanding that it is night, and
the last post has gone, I expect him momentarily.
ANNER.LY.-And if our kind friends in front will only signify their
approbation in the usual manner, it will afford some little consolation,
in the midst of his misery at having to marry into so disgusting a
family, to the Favourite (ha! ha !-but no matter) of Fortune!

Police Pensions.
AN article in the South London Chronicle draws attention to an alleged
hardship in the management of the superannuation fund and pensions
of the police by the Commissioners. We think the real evil is to bhe
found in the low rate of pay. Higher remuneration would bring better
men into the force, and the pensions should then be given only where
the constable has served his time without having a complaint laid
against him. If the facts stated by the Chronicle be true, the system
at present is a most iniquitous one, and must tend to demoralize a
force in which the morale requires heightening instead of lowering.
But we could espouse the cause of the constables more warmly if we
felt more satisfied with their conduct as a body. The police have too
much power, and are only too ready to exercise it.


[ArnIL 7, 1866.

[Miss S. is immensely flattered.

A Sensation Story.
HE had done the deed! But little did he guess that the eye of
an intelligent potato in the next field was upon him. The potato
poured the dreadful story into the ear of the corn, which let out the
secret in its (s)talk, and though I am bound to add that the corn
was cut after thus betraying confidence, the story got wind, and the
cucumber was in a most distressed frame of mind in consequence.
The culprit was overtaken by justice and several scarlet-runners, and
taken before a justice of the peas. The case was investigated to the
very roots, and the potato was, of course, principal witness for the
Would'st know, oh reader, the wretched man's guilt? He had
shed the blood of a turnip, little expecting it would ever turn up in
evidence against him. He was executed, of course-the mode of
execution, decapitation, in order to sever the carrot-ed artery.

Most Foul, and Most Unnatural.
WILL anybody hazard-chicken-hazard-a conjecture as to the
meaning of this ?-
WO SERVANTS Wanted, one to Clean the House, the other to Milk and Feed
T the Poultry, &c.-Apply at, &c., &e.
We have heard of pigeon's milk, especially about the beginning of
this month, but never heard that hens produced milk-unless they
have anything to do with cream-laying note-paper.

WE hear that the Speaker is to be raised to the peerage. We shall
be glad to see him a DENIZEN of the Upper House.

A Fenian Raid.
The Montreal Evening Telegraph reported a little while since that
"an attack was made by the Fenians, and an attempt made to rob the
Stanbridge Bank. The assailants were beaten off after an exchange
of shots." Of course, as shots were exchanged there was no robbery.
It seems from this that the Fenian heroes want to take the tin as well
as the lead in Canada. Sweeney would, no doubt, prefer to be the
director of a bank to being director of an Irish republic. The first
attempt of the Fenians on Canada maybe described-if not as failure
-as at all events a run on the bank.

Cockney Classics.
How many a noble father, since Agamemnon sinned,
Has sacrificed his daughter to try and raise the wind!

"Rich and Rare were the Gems."
M ELOIN, who passed through London a day or two ago, deposited
there all the valuable personal jewels of the EMPRESS OF MEXICO. This
looks as if their imperial highnesses were preparing to iloigner
themselves too.

A FRIEND of ours who is a thorough-paced (we had almost written
Italian paced) linguist, was asked who was the author of tbhe articles
published in the Daily Telegraph on "The Condition of Spain." With
his usual alacrity he answered, Che Sara Sala."


]F U N.-A'PIL 7, 1866.


Gl*dst*ne :-"NOW, I OFFER YOU THIS


APRIL 7, 1866.]


MR. EDrrIO,-Where are we now, sir ? Upon what kind of pin-
nacle do you imagine that your Prophet is now asserting of his proud
preeminence as a Sportive organ ? Was there any doubt about his
vaticinations this time ? Did he use mysterious and ambiguical terms,
concealing his meaning behind half JOINSON's Dixenary ?
No, sir, he did not.! Long before the race, he selected the crew on
which he felt disposed to pitch his prophetic fancy ; and his absolute
prophecy, vide your own columns in the New Series for the week before
the race, was,
Oxford .. .. .. .. 1
Cambridge .. .. .. .. 2
Well, sir, and what was the actual bona-fide result ?
Oxford Eight .. .. .. .. .. 1
Cambridge Eight .. .. .. .. 2
Chiswick Ait .. .. .. .. .0
The Prophet is bound to confess that, not being exactly quite so
much of an aquatical authority as when he takes his stand upon his
native turf, and his name his NICHOLAS; he was not himself aware,
previous to the morning of the race, that Chiswick was engaged in it;
nor did he recognize, speaking personally, any boat of that descrip-
tion ; but as the Chiswick Ait is frequently referred to by rowing men,
I will not rob a poor village of its due, though unsuccessful.
After so complete a triumph, it goes against the heart of a man,
especially at NICHOLAs's period, to complain of anything that may
wear the complexion of individuality or blame; but the Prophet, sir,
is bound to say that you were grossly imposed upon, and ought to have
exercised greater editorial care, when you printed, as though it came
from NICnOLAs' own hand, a portion of my last impression, which
would lead to the idea that the Proplhet were the worse for drink.
Those who know his character would not believe such; but it might,
ncvcitheless, have injured him with the majority of the British
public, than whom I am sure a greater fool, though a little inclined to
to bumptious.
I allude, sir, to that portion of my graphic and descriptive report
which is supposed to have been written on the night before the race,
and which I am sure anybody, to look at a good deal of its authorgra-
phy might fairly suppose NICHOLAs to be either grossly illiterative or
else shockingly mops and brooms, but the honest truth, Mr. Editor,
is that whilst the sentiments and opinions and genial style are those
of the Prophet, and of which he is justly proud, the blunders are those
of a young Oxford man which wrote it down from my own lips, but
the champagne, he being rather a feeble sort of young follow though
generous as the day, had affected his authorgraphy, and I have often
noticed that whilst they may be very good at hesthenish classical,
University men can't hold a candle as concerns English grammar
compared with them what has been educatedin more modern academies
and picked it up according.
One thing the Prophet is resolved upon after this unfortunate acci-
dent: never again will NICHOLAS submit to dictation.
You will be glad to hear, and so I am sure will the athletic men
of merry, merry England, that NICHOLAs put the pot on heavy; and
if similarly successful on the other great events may look forward,
without arrogance, to a speedy return to those Belgravian saloons
which he adorned but got tired of. And to tell you the honest truth,
the old man is a great deal happier in the lapse of the middle classes,
with a kind relative and nobody to say him iay when he feels inclined
for a little extra fling than when he was surrounded by bedizened but
hollow-hearted menials, though scarcely an hour of the day might
pass without a couple of young dukes or such coming up to him with
a "Well, MI. NICHOLAS, sir, and how do you find yourself, to day,
sir ?" or else with a Well, MR. NICHOLAS, sir, and what's it to be?
Give it a name, sir but the result usually being that we used to go
odd man for glasses round of sherry wine, at which fine old English
sport the Prophet was much more frequently a loser than invariably
successful. NICHOLAS.
P.S.-NICTIHLAS never prophesied Student, and keep a sharp look
out, my subscribers, for his good thing for the Two Thou.
P.S. 2.-Shortly will be published, uniform with "Rous on Racing,"
only racier, "Knurr and Spell: a History." Give your orders early.

A CERTAIN eminent veterinary surgeon is reported not to have known
that the fore-leg of the Hind was the hind-leg before.

Look Not a Gift Horse in the Mouth.
REALLY this advice is needful,
So at least it seems to me;
Of it if we are unheedful,
Full of doubts our life will be.
We shall, perhaps-if of our presents
We with care the features note-
See in that last brace of pheasants
A retainer" for our vote.
See in those new poems sent us
Reason for a mild review;
In that five pound note just lent us
Future cause for lending two !
Find-when we have time to settle
Down to look-that whut in hasto
We thought gold, is but base metal;
And those diamonds but pate !
Gifts we thought disinterested,
If we stare the mask away,
Then will seem aIs though invested
With the hope that they will pay !

Now then, Butter-fingers.
THE Grocer has been exposing a Chemical Laborotory (as its
proprietor spells it), whence a plan roundly stated to be for adul-
terating butter," is issued for'the benefit of dishonest tradesmen. The
story is an interesting one, showing how the "chemical aiborotorian "
advertises that, on receipt of a stamped envelope, lie will show how the
butter trade may be "made lucrative by a eleverprocess." Part of the
clever process is a demand for five shillings, which being duly paid, a
scheme is revealed for making fourteen-penny butter, at ninepence,
with fat, potatoes, and salt, without ti/e smallest chance of detection."
The Grocer deserves considerable praise for exposing the swindle-lint
it is to be regretted that it should give the dishonest formula at full
length. In showing up one rogue they enable any number of others
to learn a secret gralis, for which, otherwise, they would have had to
pay five shillings. This is a little slip-but then it is difficult (if we
may believe the traditions of Pantomime) to keep your fooeet on a butter-

An Absurd Individual.
What are we to think of this foolish bosh ?
IMPORTANT NOTICE.-Brighton.-An individual is anxiously .. 1..1 ...
i .. *... l 1.y an individual or individuals. Occupation has been i i. .., .I l. .,
Plorl .'*. '. ., Earthenware, D)raer, and O ocer. ('lln rckoll npl well, wilites nold
reads delicious, was boln in 1840, can work well, sl( p well, and vat well. Any
situation as Collector, Tinekeeper, or Cleri k, or to keel a set of booklo (double or
single entry), will suit this individual.-lBo, &c.
Of course one can see from the style of the advertisement that Bob
"writes delicious," and lie certainly riads funny. That he should
have been a photographer, porl-blutcher, draper, and grocer, we can
understand, but how lie could be looked upon as *airthenware puzzles
us. Clay he may be, we will admit, for we are all clay, but he is only

Oft in the Still-y Night."
A CONTEMronBARY says, "Dilute the Scolch character, like its
alcohol, as you will, it still ri tains is hom(Ibound spells;" we should
have said with reference to the whiskey, its homebound smells. But
why didn't the writer quote a bsad who (so the Scotch say) is in-
debted to the north for many airs ? The lines we refer to are, as far
as we can remember, these-
You may break you may scatter the clan as you will-
Ten per cent. of its noses will turn to its still! "

THnItE young men were discovered last night in a respectable office
in Dublin, drilling a safe. They were removed to the police-station.

WHY can't the Irish perform the play of Ilamelt ? Because they
always make Aphalia of the heroine.

WHEN a gentleman has taken so much that he has not the ability to
stand, he may consider himself limited to lie-ability, and can apply to
Chancery to wind up his watch for him.

38 FUN.

SCENE. Barrack-gate. Time. 4 a.m.
Courteous Civilian (to sentry):-"M' DEAl FELLOW! SHTREMELY SHORRY
CounL'N- [Exit, dragged in by military friend.

[APRIL 7, 186G

'TWERE little use to travel back
And quote-one could without reflection-
In proof that women have the knack
Of bringiAg us to sad subjection:
Still ladies who could well afford
To hint idealized successes,
Now trust to practicable cord,
And boldly hang it on their dresses.
Time was when tresses unconfined "
Were sung by playful men of letters;
Now locks with silver bands they bind,
Or fasten them with golden fetters.
And dainty waists are tightened in
And guarded by some awful buckle,
With claws that scratch, or teeth that grin
And reek from many a daring knuckle.
Bright eyes of old and sunny hair
Were weapons fit for any slaughter,
Such tricks just now are deemed unfair
By every marriageable daughter;
We wander forth in daily fear
And see-I'll stake my word upon it-
Festoons of chains from ear to ear,
And manacles round every bonnet.
Now, ladies, will you take advice ?
One thing the greatest dullard can see,
You really can't help looking nice
In chains of metal or of fancy. *
So vive la mode although we hope
You will be cautious when you choose it,
You've taken quite sufficient rope-
So pray be careful how you use it!

The Light Blue.
WHY ought the Cambridge crew to have known the
Thames better than the Oxford did ? Because they were

A YOUNG man informs us that at Homer's Coffee
House the dinner was cooked Iliad (ill 'e 'ad.)

IT'S more than four year ago, and never should I have gone but
through bein' took unawares, for I certainly never did have such a
turn in my life as it give me for to overhear BuowN say, in smoking'
a pipe along with BARNES, as cool as a lettuce, as the saying' is, that
he was a-goin' for a sojer.
"What!" I says, "at your time of life go a-sojerin'? Never
with my consent, as did ought to be consulted, I think, through
havin' been a good wife to you, and to see you brought home with a
cannon-ball through you, and come down to be a widder on a shillin'
a day." He says, Whatever are you a-'owlin' and a-drivin' at ? "
I says, I'm neither a owl nor driving' ; but all I've got to say is,
that if you've been and 'listed you did ought to be ashamed of your-
self; and as to livin' in barracks I'd die first, as was the death of
poor Mas. MULLINS through never recovering' the draughts as settled
in her limbs, and though livin' to seventy-two was never able to hold
her needle agin nor see for to thread it." So BiowN he got reg'lar
put out with me, a-sayin' as I was a gabblin' old fool, and would be to
my dyin' day. I says, That's right, 'cap abuses on my 'cad and deface
my memory when gone ; but," I says, "don't go for to lower me in
living' to the top of a baggage waggin', as I've seen them myself
a-changin' barracks, and nothing' but the wash-tub to fall back upon."
Up gets BiuowN in such a rage and says, "I never see such a pig-
headed old blunderbust as you are. Who's going' for a soldier ? Who's
a-dreamin' of such rubbish?"
Well, I see he was that put out as I felt might bring on words as
ends in bitterness, so I says, "BBnowx," I says, 1 shouldn't like to
see you bein' drilled through by a corporal with a c'ne, as would be
hurtful to the feelings, and never should hold up my 'cad agin," and I
busted into tears. Well, BRowN 'as a kind 'art though rough to look
at outside, so he says, Don't cry, MARTHA, but tell me what you've
got in your 'cad ?" I says, "That's more than any one can tell all in
a minute; but," I says, "didn't you say as you should be on the

march Easter Monday?" He busts out laughing' and says, "I never
did see such a regular old water-cart as you are, a-snivellin' o v r
that. Why, I'm only a-goin' to the volunteer review as is to be
held at Brighton, and you shall come too if you like."
Well, I didn't much fancy going' through a-knowin' what reviews
comes to; but yet I didn't fancy BROWN's going' alone, as there might
be dangers, so I says, "Well, then, I will go." He says, "You'll
have to put your best leg foremost I can tell you, for it's stiffish work,
and we must be at London-bridge by seven."
I says, Seven's no hour this time of year, as is up by the lark, as
the sayin' is." I says, But didn't we ought to take something' for to
support humann nature up them downs." He says, "Bless you, there'll
be plenty to cat and drink, and the only thing as you need have is a
pocket-pistol about you."
I says, Whatever for ? I'm sure I'ni not a-goin' to carry no fire-
arms, not even among soldiers, as is a rough lot, yet brave-arted
fellows, and honours the sect as I belongs to." BuOWN he says, I
" You take a drop of something' on the quiet, as we may both require
afore the day is out." I says, "Right you are," and acted according.
I was a-thinkin' as I should like to be dressed nice Easter Monday,
and known' as my pink muslin was put away rough-dried, I gets it
out, as were lovely with two deep flounces, as becomes my figure.
I'd a nice white musling pelerine, as 'ad blue ribbons run through
it with a wallenseens edgin', and I wore my winter bonnet through
a-fearin' rheumatics in the 'ead, but trimmed with a bright rod it
looked uncommon cheerful.
It was a lowery, showery-lookin' morning' that Easter Monday, as I
knowed it would be through my feet a-throbbin' like ten thousand
daggers all the day before, and I didn't sleep remarkable well through
a-takin' a bit of cold weal for supper, as is a thing as don't suit me in
the general way.
I was up by five, and says to BRowN as he did ought to be stirring ,
as only said Bother," and dozed off agin. I goes down-stairs, through
bein' resolved as I'd have a comfortable breakfast, and lit the fire,


but the wood was that damp through me a-forgettin' to put it in
the oven for to dry overnight, that I could not get a cheerful fire, and
as to them coals of SLATER'S, I'll never have no more out of his shop,
as is twelve-and-six the arf ton, and burns to nothing' but dirt, and
no more 'eat throwed out than if you was a-standin' by the sink.
I called up to BuowsN more than once, as swore he never heard me,
and come down in a nice humour not clean shaved, and wouldn't
hardly touch his breakfast, as I told him he'd feel for before the day
was out, and true my words come upon him at ten o'clock at night,
when reduced to desperation through hunger's thorn.
1. I didn't take nothing' with me but a shawl and my umbroller, with
nothing' in my ridicule but my ankerchers and the little flat bottle.'
I've seen crowds and I've heerd of crowds, but never did know any-
thin' like the one as there was at London-bridge. I says, "No,
BRowN, not if I knows it, never will I be tore limb from limb by
them as lets theft angry passions rise, as the sayin' is, so, if you
please, I'll wait a bit." He says, "Come on with you,"and drags
me like a charot-wheel through the crowd, and the way as I was
bumpe d insulted nobody wouldn't credit.
SAs to the train, it was only fit for to carry cattle, and we was that
scrouged as setting' down was a mockery, and thankful I was when we
got to Brighton. There was a cold wind a-blowin' with a constant
drizzle, and glad I was to go into a very respectable eatin'-house for
to take a little something' in the ways of refreshment, though only a
bottle of stout and a Abernethie biscuit. When we was a-leavin'
there BitowN says to me, If we should miss anyhow on the Downs,
find your way here and wait for me." I says, "All right," and gets
a card with the address, or I'm sure I never should have known the
place agin.
It was pretty fine when we started for the Downs, and I wasn't
sorry as we walked on sharpish, for I felt the wind cool, as is natural
to a musling dress. Why ever they calls 'em Downs, as is all ups,
I can't think.
I never did see such a sight of milingtary in my born days, and the
officers on their 'orses a-tcarin' about like mad. I do think as BreOWN
was a little off his head, for he went a-hurryin' on, shoutin' like a
maniac when he see the volunteers, as give me a turn through 'avin'
heerd say as he was once light-headed when a child and down with
the measles, as I've known happenn myself, as is a sign of weakness. ,
When we was all in the Downs, as the saying' is, I don't think as
ever I did know such wind; it was a-blowin' great guns; and if
I hadn't stuck my umbreller firm in the ground over an over agin, I
must have been blowed over like a leaf.
At last I gets to a place where a party told me I should see best,
and no doubt I should if it hadn't been as the rain come a-drivin'
down intorrently. As to BrowN, he went a-boundin' on like a harrow
from a bow, and left me behind.
Well, the wind set right in my face, so as I couldn't see nothing' I
puts up my unbreller, but, bless you, it was inside out in a jiffey, and
the ferrule had come off through me a-usin' it that free as a support,
and all the whalebones flew about like mad. I never see such a wreck
in my born days. I couldn't keep it up and I couldn't get it down,
and just then come a puff of wind as nearly took my bonnet off, so
I drops the umbreller, as the wind sketched, an away it went rollin'
down the 'ills, and was blowed into ribbons in no time.
I must say it was a noble sight to see the volunteers a-exerting
themselves all for nothing, for the good of the country, and I'm sure
many on 'em bits of boys, and others as did ought to have been looked
carter tbro' being well on in years and a-sufferin' in their feet, I should
I say, by their walks as was limpy.
- A party as was standing' near me, ho says to another, "I tell you
what it is, I'm blest if they can tell which way there a-firin' in such
wind and rain as this." So says the other, "I suppose there will be a
few more deaths than usual." I says, "Whatever do you mean-is
there any danger ?" "Well," he says, "you never can tell, and a
stray ramrod might pin you to the earth like a skewer through cat's
meat." 1 says, "What, ain't there no protection agin being' slaughtered
savage and found a-wallerin' in your gore, as the saying' is?" "Well,"
he says, "the only thing as you can do is for to throw yourself flat on
your face when they fires, as will protect you." I says Wherever
can BrowN be got to W" "They're a-geoi' to fire," says the young
man; "duck your head, BILL." There came a report like thunder
broke loose, there was clouds of smoke blown' towards us, and in my
flurry I forgot for to fall on my face, but went a-sprawling on my
back, and if I rolled over once I'm sure I did twenty times. Well,
parties picked me up and asked if I was hurt. I says, "Not wounded,
thank you, but where is my redicule ?" But law bless you I'd fell on
it, and my little bottle was smashed to atoms: and I do think if it
hadn't been for a party as give me a drain out of charity, I must have
I sat and I sat on a stone by the roadside a-waitin' for BRowx to
come back till I was that perished as I says, I'll go back -to the re-
freshment rooms," as took me hours for to do through a-missin' my way.
When I got there I says, "I'm a-famishin' creature." The party


as kep' it says, "You're not alone by thousands, for they've been and
cat up the town."
And all as 1 could get was a cup of tea without a drop of milk, and a
crust of bread as was days old. BIrOWN never come in till near eight
o'clock, and had been main' too free with the beer, though ho said it
was the smoke as had got down his throat as made him speak thick.
I know as we did get a train at last and got home, but my head was
that confused I don't know how, and I heard it strike one as we tiiriii d
into our street, and was thankful for a bit of supper as MRis. Cu.AIL.
had got ready, but it wasn't afore I'd had a good glass of something
hot as the life come into me agin, and I says to Birui\N is was quito
himself agin, Next time you goes a-sojerin' leave me at Ihomei."

A Good Jump.
TuE New York Independent is a fast journal. (In Thursday, the lat
of March, when every other paper was dated March I," the in/d-
penldent showed its independence by dating itself 'February 29th."
The fact is it has been going ahead of the times at such a pace, that
it could not stop itself, and "leaped the whole year.

Bless the Duke of Argyll
IT is reported that a little hitch in the Cabinet was caused by the
DUKE OF AiROtLL, who didn't like the transference of Lom, i (G imY
to the India Office. It was, however, to be expected that if the
Government came to a stick in the mud, it would be in Argyll-
accous soil.

A Suspicious Agreement.
THE Spanish Council of War has condemned GENERAL P IM to bo
shot when captured. The General, too, declares that he'll be shot if
ho'll be captured. The report that the whole conspiracy was a planned
thing between the General and the Government would seem to be
confirmed by this unanimity of opinion.

Business and Pleasure.
A CONTE ,P.RnARY says The Heir apparent is indefatigable inl his
attendance at all public place of amusement. Both his Royal hligh-
ness and the Princess were present at the earlier part of the r oforin
debate." Good Heavens! Our friend can have had little expericOmice
of the House of Commons, or he would never call it a pilae otnf amusc-
ment. We don't mean to say, however, that it is a place of business

A PRIVATE, St. Leonards-on-the-Sea. Verso is not your forte, try
lines of circumvallation.
When we mention that WIV. C. rhymes verses" with versus," "now-
a-days" with "guineas," and TENNYSON" with "Irishmain," we need
hardly add that his contribution ia declined with thanks.
A. D. B., Boulogne.-Your hippophagic jokes won't raise even a horse
laugh. Hand equus,i.e., not quite on a level with our slanidErd.
THE REGULAnR BAGMDAN, Nottingham, is fiuniliar but" not by no
means vulgar." If his custom's anything like his manners ho must be a
fortune to his employers.
R. C., Liverpool, is entreated not to waste any more money on postage;
the loss of so nany queen's heads in addition to his own must be ruinous!
G. B. W., Westminster.-Your joke would be capital if a boot were the
same thing as a boat. Unfortunately it is tout autre shoes-quite another
pair of shoes-as the French say.
NErO'S FIrrDLE, cannot riddle-though he rhymes. NERO'S fiddle,
indeed! NElo's fiddlestick.
MARCH RHAE would appear, from the length of his ears, to be another
animal. "He's at his old games: once ho tried to pass himself oil' for a lion.
G. T. T.--Tho notion of the drawing is poor, the design clover. (We
mean the design of gettlling a puff of your Stores into FUN.)
WYn wants to Paddle his own Canoe," but it is not light enough in the
draught, which he has submitted to us, for FuN.
E. J. K., Somerset house, has sent us that old joke about "Pat-riots "
twice in the last fortnight. If he goes on in this way ho will find we're
Ire-ish too!
A correspondent, dating from "The General Hospital, Bristol," seemnis to
have a few aged and infirm puns under his charge. IHo ought not to send
them to London.
A frequent correspondent (Greenock), who sends us a pun about the
Daily Noose, is entrcated not to be a weakly nuisance.
JOSEI'iUU sends us a poem in several fyttcs. Not one of them, however,
is a fit of inspiration.
Declined witlih thanksa-A Volunteer; W. Me., Dublin; J. F., Dublin;
R. C. N., Woolwich ; J. B. J., Coventry ; L. T. F., Connauglit-tcrraco ;
Tom Tick ; Mr. 1t., Newport,; E. L. II., Beckenham ; It. F.. Manchester;
E. L., St. George's-road; W V., Liverpool; A. L., Hulme; F. 0. ;
Manchester ; E. W., Wigmore-street.

APRIL 7, 1866.]


[APRIL 7, 1866.

YouR Reporter has very little doubt that he would long ago have
attained a distinguished position as an athlete, had it not been for
those physical disqualifications with which he can hardly suppose you
to be absolutely unfamiliar. It may not be easy, even for an Editor,
to discern by outward appearances when a Reporter is suffering from
disease of the heart and congestion of the lungs; but even the most
casual observer, when he sees a Reporter with only one eye, the same
number of human legs, an arm in a sling, no front teeth, dnd a club
foot, is led by the light of the most ordinary reason to the conclusion
that such a Reporter, no matter what may be his intellectual qualifica-
tions, is hardly calculated to achieve any very wide and general
renown by his proficiency in athletic sports.
Immediately on receiving your instructions with regard to the new
Amateur Athletics, your Reporter made the necessary arrangements
for having himself safely wheeled on to the ground in a Bath chair;
and having applied a good strong blister to his chest, and put a few
bottles of medicine into his pocket, in case he might need a little
refreshment in the course of the day, he cheerfully prepared to enjoy
himself as much as was possible under the peculiar circumstances of
the distressing case.
He hopes that none of his misfortunes may have rendered him
cynical, envious, or discontented with his condition in life.
It did occur to him, however, as he witnessed a smartly-contested
race of a hundred yards, that, had he himself been fairly treated by
nature, instead of being made from earliest infancy her favourite butt,
he could with case have defeated any of the competitors at Walham
Green. He was not at all disposed to undervalue their exertions; but
as not one of them happened to be suffering under the calamitous
visitation of a club-foot, it will readily be confessed that it was much
easier for them to run than it would have been for your Reporter to
Again, in throwing the weight, whilst your Reporter has no desire
to detract from the indubitable merits of the gentlemen engaged, he
feels bound, in justice to himself as well as to those who may come

after him, to remark that none of them were suffering from one arm in
a sling.

Editorial Note.-The remainder of our Reporter's communication is
written in the same impartial spirit, but we regret that we have no
room to publish it in its entirety.

RATrHE hard on the Times-recollecting the pains
It took to expose an American liar;
To be daily (instead of promulgating gains)
Redressing the list of its Salisbury spyer.

The Ballet Benefit Fund.
THE "Ballet Benefit," which at first sight seemed likely to be little
better than the farce of B.B.," appears to be taking a more practical
form. Nevertheless there is still a want of professional names to
back the scheme. -Mas. STIRLING'S is at present the only one to
leaven a list of Ladies and Honourables, who however well-intentioned
are not acquainted sufficiently with the real necessities they have to
contend with. We shall be glad to see a business-like, practical ele-
ment introduced, to direct the warm and generous impulses of noble
charity. In the meantime, in the full expectation that so excellent
an institution will ripen by force of its inherent goodness, we beg to
inform our readers that contributions may be sent to MEssas. Daum-
MONO, 49, Charing-cross, or MEssns. RANSOME, BOUVERm AND Co., 7,
Pall Mall East.

NOTICE.-From the commencement of this Volume will be pub-
lished, in addition to the usual issue at One Penny, a Special Edition of
each number at Twopence, carefully printed on superfine ash-grey toned
paper. Terms of Subscription :-Stamped, 13s.; Unstamped, 8s. 8d. per
annum. .
"FJA ," tous les Mereredis, chme MESSRS. W. S. KIRKLAND ET CIB.,
Rue de Richelieu, No. 27, Paris.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phmnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKENR
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C -Saturday, April 7, 186C.

APRIL 14, 1866.]


What might have been expected had the Tailors' Strike continued.

TUrPER v. JONas.
THIS was an action for libel. In the number of the Weekly Wasp,
dated 31st February, 1866, appeared the following critique on one of
the plaintiff's publications :-
"Proverbial Philosophy. By M. F. TUPPEn, D.C.L. Oar first im-
pression on taking up this book was one of profound awe; our last, on
laying it down, was one of intense disgust. We consider it the worst
attempt at poetry ever perpetrated. Luckily nobody will be able to
read this farrago of ignorance, immorality, and irreligion, therefore it
is utterly impossible that anybody should come forward to controvert
our opinion of it."
MR. SIDNEY CAnTON, Q.C., who appeared for the plaintiff, stated
that after carefully perusing the gold letters on the back of the volume,
he had come to the logical conclusion that any critical opinion on the
work in question must necessarily be unjustifiable. The learned
counsel called one witness to prove that Mn. TUPPER was in the habit
of taking long walks in the open air. It was therefore impossible
that he should be guilty of irreligion.
MR. JAWKINs addressed the jury for the defendant, MR. Joxas, pro-
prietor of the Weekly Wasp, in a remarkably humorous and exhaustive
speech. He quoted several sentences from the work. One of these-
"Procrastination is the soul of business "-he considered as personally
offensive to a venerable judge on the bench. Another proverb-" It
is never too late to look a gift horse in the mouth "-was obviously
directed at the character of an eminent medical man still in existence.
A third-
Mn. SrDNEY CARTON, Q.C., here interposed. He really felt so
shocked at the flagrant instances of irreligion and indecency brought
forward by his learned brother, that he thought it his duty to withdraw
the case. He could have wished, for the sake of the legal profession
at large, that the writer of that admirable critique in the Weekly Wasp

had been related in some distant manner to a judge. Fate, however,
had decreed otherwise, and the only consolation left him was that of
having done his duty.
A juror was consequently withdrawn.

Since I beheld thee first,
My hopes are bitter-sour my malt,
I'm altered for the worst!
To see thee was at once to love,
My heart could not refuse,
'Twas deeply wounded. Don't you see
How readily I brews ?
I won thy smiles-they've turned to frowns!
No wonder I look pale,
To think that thou who once sweet wert"
Can'st now so bitter rail."

New Views of Natural History.
Oun friend the penny-a-liner is clearly not a naturalist any more
than MRl. LowE (who says the polypus takes its colour from thb rock
it inhabits.) We read in a contemporary that, During the recent
snow storms the robin redbreast, and other timid birds, have been
daringly tame." The robin a timid bird: iHe's the transmigrated
street-boy with a red comforter on. The timid bird our friend is
thinking of must be a canard.



42 F J N [APRi. 14, 1866.

viet in Australia to his brother. An elegantly turned editorial note
A SPRING DITTY. says, "it may be unnecessary to state it is really the production of a
WHAT is it swells my laburing breas convict "-I should say it may be something a little stronger than
WHAT is it swells my labouring breast, unnecessary. Fancy a convict waiting:-
With sharp e my manly chest pang ? You are probably meditating, or are actually engaged in a breach of the law.
Why do I strike my manly chest ... is not your profession, it is not with you a line of
With this emphatic bang ? ding to which you have bound yourself, wth l its dangers, as wth the risk;
yrush salt teardrops to my eye? ut you have got into a current which may carry you on shoals and quicksands
Why rush salt teardrops to my eye ? which you know not how to avoid," etc.
Why does my head so swim ? Temple Bar is good this month. T. B. seldom gives its readers verse that
Why is my lip so parched and dry, is not first-rate, and in this number gives some capital stanzas entitled
And why my sight so dim ? "An Intelligent Partner." The Argosy has some famous names among
Why does my voice refuse to toll its contributors this month. The Shilling continues much about its
Why does my voice re fustched thing I amtell usual level, chiefly noticeable for its pictures. In the Boy's Own
Why doe s this sudden anguish well Maazi.e there is a most amusing mistake in an a rticle called "Under
My tortured diaphragm? the Water," by the Rav. J. G. Woon, who is made to say of the crest
of the male newt, that it, "like the head of a man, the horns of a stag,
"Why ? do you ask ? You shall be told- and the tusks of a boar, is only to be found in the male sex..! This
The simple facts are these : would seem a poor compliment to the ladies, reminding one of the old
Because I've somehow caught a cold- sign of The Good Woman "-videlicet, the headless one. Of course,
And don't I want to sneeze! it's a mere printer's error, due to not very legible copy, perhaps :-for
"head" read beard," and all is right.
A TRIAL, that of STRAUSS v. FRANCIS," which was full of interest
to the literary world, has collapsed. It was an action brought against
the Atlenemum for some slipshod abuse, professing to be a criticism. It
U h %.' + ~ might, had it succeeded, have seemed to establish a precedent injurious
to the freedom of criticism, but that is hardly the term to apply to the
BY TIHE SAUNaTRE INi SOCIETY. reviews of the paper in question. Indeed, criticism generally is at
a low ebb, and has fallen into the hands of disappointed novelists,
ousy rainy poe- chief critic of the Illustrated Times, are about the only two men who
ple the Volun- can, or at any rate do, criticise. However, to return to the case, after
teers, Easter some cleverly misquoted passages, and an entire mis-representation of
Monday wast the plot of the book which was the bone of contention-and, also, after
comparatively a an expression of Mi. HAWKINS'S horror that the villain of the story
fine datvy in should be a wicked man, SaEJEANT BALLANTINE, who confessed he had
"short, to borrow not read the book (I suppose that is what's called studying your
Safigureofspeech brief"), backed out of the matter. Such are the charming. uncer-
from the only tainties of the law and its luminaries! So the chief gainer by the
"- sporting pro,- quarrel was the British public present at the trial, when the veil was
phet of the age, for a moment raised, and it was permitted to gaze on the classic
"a finer day features of the editor and the intellectual head of the proprietor of a
-': "than which great literary organ! It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good, so
though a little the B. P. is to be congratulated.
inclinhd tolib I AM rather curious to learn what is SIR RICHARD MAYNE'S object in
/ \cold." There ordering the police to be taught cutlass-exercise. The policeman has
appar. e by slow degrees been more and more identified with the soldier in
-ppbeen but few uniform. Is he to be armed with a sword to cut down unoffending
Casualties, and musicians returning home with their violin cases? It is time some one
S\- uthe whole of the enquired into this matter in the House. We ought to learn at what
sham contest limits police-powers are to stop. I think Sim RICHAnD is ambi-
seems to have tious to introduce the French system, in hopes of getting a seat in the
S '"mgon off admir- Cabinet-at any rate the sending round of constables on a house-to-
--- ably. It must house visitation to learn who keep dogs looks very like the Parisian
be rathl, r sell gendarme-system.

for those sagacious people, who foretold such a short lease of life for
the movement, to find it still flourishing and vigorous. Apart from
any other consideration it is one of the healthiest forms of the
" athleticism which prevails just now. I am greatly inclined to
question the wisdom of the intermittent attacks of hard training to
which our young men submit nowadays with a view to competing at
" sports." It looks very like playing at fast and loose with one's con-
stitution. But there is no such objection to be urged against drill and
rifle practice, an occasional march-out, and a review, or a sham fight
now and then.
IT looks very much as if the A-orthu nberlandc-she ought to be re-
christened the Cumber-land-would never get off; in fact, I have
heard the opinion of one eminent engineer that she will not. What
is to be done with her ? Shall we make an Iron, instead of a Crystal,
Palace of her, or turn her into a model watering-place ?
THE magazines for April are on my table. There's the dear, dull
Cornhill, with two heavy papers on culture and information-and some
verse. Now the Cornhill so seldom breaks into a canter nowadays that
its verse ought to be first-rate. But it isn't. What would THACKERAY
say, could he see "Told by Firelight" ? Here are some of the gems
in it:-
With the dimmed eye-sight of one who gropes in a kind of spirit-gloaming,
I took a marble statue to be a living and loving woman."
There's a rhyme! And what musical rythm, too! Lower down,
"ever" rhymes with "leave her," and "storm" with "firm." But
the best of all is where "full" and "beautiful" are put to run in
couples, not being a rhyme at all! The matter, I need hardly say, is
worthy of the manner. There's, also, a letter professedly from a con-

To the Captain of the Shrewsbury Eleven.
I NOTE, my young friend, how the chronicles tell
That you've cleverly bowled a Publicity swell;.
And it strikes me-so neatly pretension you floor-
We shall hardly have OLIVER asking for more."

A Housekeeper's Maxims.
NEVER say dye until you have had your silk turned twice.
Good wine needs no bush, but home-made champagne does need
the gooseberry-bush.
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched; and avoid, as
much as possible, having them in your breakfast eggs.
Half a loaf is better than no bread, and half a stale loaf will go
further than new bread.

WHAT is the difference between a hunt and a hot breakfast ?
In the latter case you come to the cover before the meat, in the
former to the meet before the cover.

Is there anything strange in Eyemonth being a see-port ?

APRIL 14, 1866.]


EnITOn,-In compliance with your request,* I took the express last
night to Turniptop, in order to be present at an Assize trial for murder.
A more enjoyable day than that which I have just spent in the
Turniptop Crown Court it has seldom been my lot to experience.
The Court -was crowded. The spare seats on the bench, and in the
reserved galleries were filled with charming girls who wore on their
lovely faces that expression of beaming expectancy which one identifies
with the commencement of a promising pic-nic. There was a day of
enjoyable excitement before them, and they knew it.
At the Turniptop Assizes there are a good many barristers who have
nothing to do but to attend to the young ladies who throng the Crown
Court. This appears .to be, at present, their only duty. I hope that
if at any future time they are called upon to fulfil any other mission
at Assizes they will acquit themselves as creditably as they do in this.
They are remarkably popular with the Turniptop young ladies, and
deservedly so. A stern rule at the Turniptop Assizes forbids young
ladies to occupy the bar seats conjointly with these agreeable young
men, but the bar are supplied with pens, ink, and paper, and there are
messengers in plenty to carry notes.
There is a stir in court, for the Clerk of Arraigns has called for the
murderer, and he is on his way from the cells below the court into the
dock. At length he appears, and six or eight dozen pair of bright
eyes flash through six or eight dozen pair of opera glasses at the
villain in the dock.
He is not much of a villain to look at, being small, dirty, and un-
wholesome in appearance. It is consoling to the more tender-hearted
of the ladies present that he is so, for it is less likely that there is any -
body in the world to care much for him. He is repulsive in appear-
ance, but then he is in the -dock, and who shall say that the mild and
intellectual gentleman on the bench would look prepossessing were he
to change places with the prisoner ? There must be some distorting
medium around a criminal dock, for I have seen pleasant, gentlemanly
men, respectable tradesmen, and honest-looking artizans, whom I
never suspected of being prisoners out on bail, surrender to their
recognizances, and become, immediately upon stepping into the dock,
unmistakable ruffians of the deepest dye.
I was pleased, and so-to judge from their countenances-were all
the ladies in court, to perceive that the prisoner seemed to be acutely
sensible of his position." The perspiration stood upon his ruffianly
forehead, and he endeavoured, but vainly, to moisten his parched lips
with his hot, dry tongue. His hands were clammy, and whenever he
removed them from the stout iron rail that surmounted the dock, they
left a slimy trail behind them. He stood arraigned on a charge of
having murdered his sweetheart (save the mark!) by kicking her on
the head in the course of a drunken brawl.
It was a common murder enough we (that is, the occupants of the
gallery -where the young ladies were, and where I was) grieved to find.
There was nothing sensational about it-there was no poisoning
governess, with light hair and demon eyes; there was not a hint of a
midnight attack on a solitary traveller in the midst of a wild heath ;
everything connected with the charge was filthy, coarse, and common-
place. So much the better, in one sense, for it entirely removed from
the minds of the pretty girls in court any harrowing feeling of pity
which a more refined or complicated murder would .have aroused for
the accused.
The Counsel for the Crown opens the prosecution. It is amazing to
find that he does not seem to think half as badly of the murderer as
we who are present as spectators; in point of fact, he disappoints us
by actually suggesting an excuse for the fearful deed of which the
prisoner stands accused. He tells the jury that if the prisoner is
acquitted, no one will rejoice more sincerely than he, the counsel for
the prosecution, and sincerely hopes that at least they will find them-
selves in a position to return a verdict of "manslaughter only. We
all see-that there is a good chance that justice will be baulked of her
prey; andl we fidget about on our seats until .the gentleman for the
prosecution calls his witnesses.
They are very few in number, and very commonplace in character.
There is a man with whom the prisoner was fighting when the
wretched girl, whose death forms the subject of the inquiry, interfered
-to protect her sweetheart, who then turned upon her, knocked her
down, and kicked her till she died. There was the potman of the
public house where the fight took place, there was the house-surgeon
of the local hospital, and finally the policeman in charge of the case.
Then came the defence, which was to the effect that the prisoner was
drnnk,,and did not know what he was about, and that, as he was not
:ina sufficiently sober condition to form an intention to kill, hewas
guiltyt, not df-murder, but of manslaughter.
By.this time, and long before this, we spectators are tired of the
:case. The same facts deposedto in different words by different wit-

nesses, whom no cross-examination could shake, pall upon us, and we
turn our minds to other matters. There is a barrister sketching a
young lady in the gallery, and the young lady wears a charmingly
conscious air of not knowing what the barrister is about. There is
another barrister who is busy upon some verses, and yet another who
is busy upon a cork man, with arms and legs of quill. Eventually
when the sketch and the verses, and the cork man are completed, they
are handed about from counsel to counsel, and eventually lind their
way into the gallery, where the young ladies are, and whore I am, and
there, it being out of the hearing of their originators, they are freely
criticized. Newspapers are produced and circulated, and papers of
sandwiches and flasks of sherry are handed to the young ladies, and
the gallery where the young ladies are, and where I am, becomes the
scene of a charming little improvised pie-nic. We pay but little atten-
tion to the murderer, for we have got used to him by this time, and
even the boot, hob-nailed and iron-heeled, with which he stamped out
his sweetheart's life, is but little more to us than would be that of the
policeman who produces it. We have become weary of blood amd
bloody properties, and besides, by this time. the little tlirtltiousi which
began in the morning have so increased and multiplied, that the
gallery and its pretty occupants are matters of fatr more moment to us
and to the unoccupied barristers than the dock and the trembling,
sweating wretch within it. More verses, more sketches, more cork
men are made, and the ingenious young barristers with nothing to do,
are by this time highly popular in the gallery where the young ladies
are, and where I am. I cannot see much to admire in them myself,
but then I am neither a young lady nor a barrister.
But our attention, which during the last two hours has wandered
far from the murderer and his victim, is drawn to the dreadful business
before the court, for the judge has summed up, and the jury have
asked to be allowed to retire to consider their verdict. Thereupon the
facts of the case, as we have carelessly and imperfectly gathered them,
crowd upon us. Speculation is once more rife as to the probable
result. The wretched murderer becomes once more an object of
interest, almost of sympathy, and his demeanour is scrutinized wlith
eager eyes by the occupants of the gallery where the ladies are, and
where I am. We speculate on what is probably passing through his
wretched mind, and we try to imagine ourselves in his position.
Another stir. The jury havo returned, and havo agreed on their
verdict. They :twelve, of all in that crowded court, know the
prisoner's fate, but they must not tell it yet. Their names must be
called over one by one, and they must answer to those names as they
are called. As this is being done there is a stir in the gallery whero
the ladies are, and where 1 am. Many of them are pale, and their
breath comes and goes, and at this moment alone are they in accord
with the proceedings before the court. They can stand much, but
they cannot stand this. They rise to go before the awful word is
spoken, but it is too late. The word has gone forth, tempered, it is
true, with a recommendation to mercy. The man is guilty and he must
die. He clutches at the rail above the dock, he can hardly realize the
words he hears that he is to be hanged by the neck until le is dead,
but the most awful part of the sentence, that which provides for his
burial while he is yet alive and well, is to come, and when he hears it,
he falls senseless on the floor of the dock, and is carried to his cell by
two gaolers. A shriek in the crowd at the back of the court tells that
the sentence has gone home somewhere, and then all is over.
,Altogether the occupants of the gallery where the ladies wore, and
where I was, enjoyed themselves exceedingly. SNAmR.iI.

'Tm not alone the marks of age
That give thee such a grace;
Though Time hath penned, as on a page,
His crosses on thy face.
Youth's deadly-ravages may blight
Those features and that frame;
May put thin uglinesseto flight!
I'll love thee still the .same.

'Tis not the beauties of thy mind
Alone that.I.respect;
For Fortune .yet may be unkind,
And grant thee intellect.
False friends may teach thee how to read,
Or how to write thy name;
I'll not reproach thee-nay, indeed!
I'll love thee still the same.

* If "Nights in Casual Wards;" why-mot 'Days in Criminal Courts" --Ev. watoh.



' I



[APRIL 14, 1866.


Ii ~r~1b7-7 /7~

BOUT a year ago you see-we will let our Commissioner speak for himself
-I received orders from a journalist whose daily sheets are aired before
every hearth that beats-no, I don't mean that-every heart that burns-no,-
well, you know what I mean-and I proceeded without hesitation to attack the
doors of the various atdliers belonging to distinguished London painters. Now
my reminiscences bring back to me a definite idea that I was not wanted.
Indeed, on one occasion I was made to understand this so strongly, that I
relinquished the task. I purchased at a bookstall just before arriving at a certain
studio several odd volumes, including a copy of Prig's Quotations, Liner's Coemmon
Faults in Everyday Grammar, books of great utility to the serious literary man,
and I had these volumes under my arm on knocking at the door of the studio.
You may imagine my astonishment, when the artist himself opened the door, on
being greeted with, "It's again, by all that's brazen!" A rush was made
at me-for there were others in the room it seems, and I was positively pelted
down stairs with my own books. And the more I protested that I was an art
critic, the more the deluded ruffians howled, and the faster the books came
through the murky air-I mean down the staircase. I discovered afterwards
that I had been mistaken for an individual who has achieved some celebrity by
the publication of several score of essays on a variety of subjects from Buddhism
and Bitter Beer down to Polygamy and the Use of the Globes, and who has been
graciously pleased to grant himself a brevet of Captain-in what Guards I need
hardly say. To return to our pictures. What I have said is enough to explain
why I felt a reluctance to the art-tour proposed to me, and as my employers could
not see the pictures until they appeared in the exhibition, I determined to risk
detection, and describe what they might be.
The effect of MA. MILLAIS' "Third Sermon" will, we are sure, send away his
congreg-we mean, the spectators-delighted.
Ma. F. LEIGHTOX'S charming study of "Beautiful for Ever," will be looked
upon as the (cold) cream of his performances.
In Ma. PHILIP's bright study, the Spanish Juice flows in all its rich
warmth-no artist more takes spains to succeed.
MR. WHISTLEn has combined his two styles this year, though we could almost
wish that he would get over his Chinese style and go into a new field of art.
MR. Hoox catches readily the lovers of sea-breezes, and his colours are full
of harmony for amateurs whose key-note is the open sea.
Ma. VAL PRINSEP sends the usual amount of unwashed and dishevelled ladies.
In this style he is facile Prinsep.
Ma. SANDYS' Golden-haired Beauties" suggest the quotation of Come unto
these yellow Sandys."
Mn. HART, with his usual jewdicious selection of subjects, exhibits The Law
and the Profits," in which the principal character seems to lay down the first
and take up the second. This is scarcely high HART.
MR. SANT sends his Babes out of the Wood." We are happy to see it, for
they have been in it for many years, but they don't seem to have grown. But
they are always pretty and pleasant, which is their only plea-SANT in extenuation.
SIn EDWIN having been poring over the end of his lion's tail, and after the
awful paws of the same animal, does not send a large picture,-in fact he must
be dog-tired. *
Our space will not allow us to continue the criticisms of our art correspondent.
We will refer an impatient public to our illustrations.

]F U N .-APRIL 14, 1866.

Austria:-" GIVE IT ME ;-I WON IT!"
Prussia:-" I SHAN'T! I'VE GOT IT!"

IARsm 14, 1866.] F IU N 47

MRS. BROWN ON HAT MPASTEAD HEATH. Why, SARAr and ANN," says she, and the three children."
"You never 'ave sent them three children out alone all this way
You may well say as time flies, as the sayin' is, for I'm sure I with two bits of gals like that," says I.
would no more have believed as it were four years since that time as I To be sure I have," says Ehe, two in the preambulator and the
went up to 'Amstead 'Eath in Easter week than nothing boy to walk."
I'm sure if it hadn't been to please MRS. PETTIGREW I'd never have I didn't say nothing but my thoughts was 'cavy over them children,
gone, as is daughter to my own cousin, ANN CHADWICK, and married for there was soldiers a-bein' exercised all over the place, as always
to PETTIGrEW, as is a master tailor, and a nice business too, but him terrifies me where children is through a-knowin' how apt they are to
a regular curdmudgeon, as grudges ovorythin', and a regular Molly too fire at random, as the sayin' is.
through a-givin' out even a pinch of tea when she's up-stairs, and a- I was pretty nigh a-dyin' with my feet, but, law bless you, there
grudgin' Mus. BLOOMFIELD, as you might trust with untold gold, as wasn't a seat to be had nowhere. I says, How much further are
the sayin' is, a drop of spirits, as would sooner lay her head on the we a-goin ?" They says, Only over there, where we're a-goin' to
block than be overtook in liquor, and has nussed in the first families tea," as was nearly four o'clock.
for respectable tradespeople, as knows what comfort is, and no stintin' I see as SARAH PETTIGREW was all of a fidget about the children, as
of nothing we couldn't find nowhere; but 'MELIA CORIIETT kep' a-sayin' as she
So Mus. PETTIGREW she comes to me and says, Do go, that's a was sure the gals was told to meet us over by the lake, and says she,
dear soul, for I do want 'MELIA COrBETT for to have a outin' with "Let's 'urry, or we shan't be there to-night."
young JOHNson, as her father won't hear on, and as fond a couple as I says, it's all very well for you, but my legs is lumps of load, as
ever you see." "But," I says, "whatever will PETTIoREWI say ? I can't drag 'em along." She says, "'Ave a donkey shay."
Oh," says she, "if you goes it's all right with him, for he regularly I says, "I will, and thankful ; but there wasn't such a thing to
swears by you." I says, "Oh, indeed," not a-believin' a word on it be 'ad, but a man told me as he'd got a animal as he'd put his own
through having' heard him very different speaking' on me as a-interferin' mother on, as was a lamb for gentleness, and I should look like a
old cat, as is not my notions of politeness to a lady, as only went to see queen. Well, I thought as it would look ridikerlous, but was that
how she was getting' on, and found as the nurse had left her at the end tired that I do believe I should have got on a rockin'-'orso or any
of the week through his meanness in not allowing' her to be engaged other animal, besides there was a party a deal stouter than me as was
proper, and if it hadn't been for me both mother and child would have a-ridin' on one quite genteel. So I gets on, leastways through a chair
gone to the bad, as the sayin' is; not as PrETTIGREw 'd have cared, in and a deal of help.
my opinion, except a-'avin' to shell out the money for the funeral in The man he says, Set back." I says, I shall ride over his taill
a lump, as is one of them as is always a-savin' at the spiggot and if I do."
lettin' out at the bung, as the sayin' is. He says, All right." I says, Whatever you do don't leave go
Well, I agreed for to go with them, and though a bitter East wind on his 'cad." All right," says he, and gives the creature's mouth a
I started off, and got to MRS. PETTIGREW's by twelve, as is a long way wrench like, and off it went.
from the Commercial-road. I never know'd what shakin' was till then. I hollars out, Stop
I'd dressed myself warm through known' how searching' them East him," but, law bless you, no one paid no attention, and 1 didn't like
winds is, and wore my Saxony cloth, as was a purple, but being' dyed to scream, and if that beast of a donkey didn't go close up agin the
had took a lich brown. I wore my black beaver bonnet, as 'adn't see bank, and scrape my knees all along it, as if he done it for the pur-
light for many a long day, but brushed up nice through 'avin' a touch pose. I hollars out, and a boy comes running' up behind, and no
of rheumatics in the head, as is my constant terrors. I'd a thick sooner as the donkey hoard him a-comin' than he gallops off like wild.
Angola shawl and a fur round my neck, as is made out of all as is left I give a scream, every one shouted out, the boy come up to hit the
of my dear mother's swansdown cape, as the moths had made fearful donkey, but give me the blow instead, as I felt for many a day. On
'avoc with ; not as it's a thing as I holds with through bein' that went that donkey, and I see a sheet of water right in front of me, as
flewy, as is apt for to get down the throat, and many an infant's been he were making' dead for.
'alf choked in swallerin' of it before now. I says, "Death by drowndin' I never will meet, I'll throw myself off
I veiy soon see how the land laid between 'MELIA COITErTT and first; but, bless you, I hadn't time to do it when the donkey put
young JoHNsoN, as is a rog'lar spoon in my opinion; but what put me down his 'cad, throwed up his 'eels, and I pitched for'ard and rolled to
out with everything' was a-findin' out as SARAH PETTIGREw was a-goin' the water's hedge, as the sayin' is.
on the sly unbeknown to PETTIGREw, as was out of town, a thing as I could have killed SARAI PETTIGOuIw and the others for laughing ,
I don't hold with through a-lookin' double-faced, and so I told her. as I might 'ave slipped in and been drowndod, and as it was the mud
Well, they all got round me, a-sayin', We shall be back to tea," and and water was up to my ankles.
so on till I give in. A nice mess I was in, and obliged to go .into a cottage for to 'ave
I can't say as I cared much for the early dinner we had, as was my shoes and stockins dried, and when I come out I couldn't find none
fried mutton chops, and neck chops too, as black as your hat and raw on 'em, for SARAH PETTIGREw had gone off a-lookin' for the children,
at the bone ; the potatoes was stones for 'ardness, and there was a and them two spoons had gone their own way I suppose.
yeast dumplin' like a ball of lead for 'eaviness, as I know'd it would The good woman made me a cup of tea, as I didn't fancy through
be when I see young JOHNsoN a-cuttin' it with a knife, as I told him bein' all black, as I always takes mixed, so I sends for a little
on, and only got laughed at for a superstition. something' hot, as did me good. Just as 1 was a-takin' it tp comes
It was quite two afore we got to the end of Tottingham-court-road, PETTIGREw, a-lookin' like thunder, and says, Where's my family,
and waited and waited for the 'bus till my feet throbbed agin, and as you've come enticin' away from home, you tipplin' old sponge."
when it did come up it was full. I says, Hang your family, as you won't catch me a-comin' near
There was plenty of 'buses as would take us to the bottom of the agin in a hurry; and as to tipplin', look at home, old red nose."
'ill, but I says, "None of your climbin' 'ills for me." We waited for He says, "I will 'ave 'cm." I says, "Go and get 'cm, and don't
another 'bus, but that was full too; till at last we got into one as said bother me."
it would take us to within a stone's throw of where we wanted to go. Well, he certainly swore by me then, and turns away, and when I'd
If there is a thing as I hates in this world it's a 'bus, as is a downright finished what I was a-takin', I gets to the omnibus, as took me to the
cruelty van for both man and beast, as the sayin' is. I'm sure I was Bank, and another took me to our corner, and I says to myself, No
pretty nigh crushed to death and stifled in that 'bus, and glad to get doubt 'orse exercise is 'olesome for them as takes it regular, but it
out through 'avin' of a old man as was a cripple a-proppin' hisself don't suit me; for though I didn't tell BiiowN, I really did think as
up agin me all the way, and put his crutch on my toe with all his that donkey had shook all my bones out of their sockets. I ain't
weight a-gettin' out, as nearly lamed me for life. see SARAH PETTIGIEW since, but when I do she'll 'ave a bit of my
When we got out of the 'bus I didn't see no signs of 'Amstead mind, and pretty hot too; for young JoiiNsoiN run away with that
'Eath as I remembers when a gal, but all houses. So I says, We gal, and her father come and blowed me up, though quite unbeknown,
must be miles from it." They says, Only a step," and on and on and called me a old kidnapper, as is what I won't stoop to at no
we walks till I thought I should 'ave died with 'eat, a-pantin' for price.
breath, with a outtin' wind a-blowin' as made me afraid for to undo p
my shawl. A sTRAY SHOT.
I did think as that bonnet would have strangled me, as I was Ir a bankrupt gets a first-class certificate does that license him to
obliged for to tie tight down because of the wind as kep' a-blowin' it shoot the moon ?
off. If it hadn't been as we stopped at the top of the 'ill and had
some ale, I do think as they'd have had to got a stretcher for me. I UNPARHLIAMENTART.
dare say as 'Amstead is a nice pla6e, but that constant climbin' don't AN honourable member who has a slight impediment in his speech
suit me. said the other night he would see the Reform Bill B-ob-lowed"
Well, when we got on the death as was crowded with boys and gals before he'd vote for it!
and rough characters, as was larkin' all about, MRs. PETTIGREW says,
"Wherever can they be got to ?" Who ?" says I. WHY is a doll like jelly ?-Because it is made with eyes in glass.

48 1F.1, 1866.

- ..NT, ,__

I / ''~J __77


DELIGHTFUL weather for April and the Crystal Palace. You can
wander in the gardens during the glimpses of sunshine, and retreat
beneath the glass when the showers come. Talk about the grand
display of all the fountains It's not half so wonderful as these
April showers are. They are on a much grander scale-don't wet you
much more-and the way in which they make the green things grow
is simply miraculous. The buds expand as you watch them, singing,
It is our opening day." The boughs grow green, chanting, Come
let us be sappy together."
There's such a bewildering lot of things to see one can't possibly
make up one's mind which to choose first. You can have your pick
between the tropics and the poles; there are the luxuriant plants of
the former, and there is the skating hall. There's the chimpanzee to
remind you of your revered grandmother, and the tame partridges to
recall battue-shooting. There's a miniature storm at sea, the only
form in which the article is pleasant, and there's salmon-hatching,
and great guns, and velocipedes, and all sorts of jolly things. And if
you wish refreshments, you can have a dried ham at the counter, or a
hamadryad at WosuiWELL'S menagerie, which, on account of its long
services, is retained on the establishment.
There's one thingwhich of course you'll see, and that's the spiralascen-
sionist. It is a wonderful performance, and how ETHARno can keep going
round and round the screw without getting screwed, is a marvel. You
haven't see him? I'm sorry for you. How shall I describe it? Let's
see :-Take the corkscrew of commerce and the ordinary marble and try
to roll the latter up the gyrations of the former with one finger. Having
failed to do so multiply the whole several thousand magnitudes, and
imagine yourself, instead of your finger, trying to roll a globe up the
worm of the screw. And when you have imagined yourself at the top,
imagine coming down again-I mean, of course, coming down quietly
on the globe. It's easy enough to imagine yourself coming down with
a run before you have got half-way up. I only know if I were to
try to do what ETHARDO does, I should very speedily make one of
the giddy throng" below.

I'm glad to see the Palace crowded, for two reasons. The people
who come must enjoy their holiday, and are certainly spending it well.
And they are, I hope, doing something to swell the balance of profits.
No company, limited or unlimited, ever deserved support more than
the projectors of the Crystal Palace, who are really benefactors of
mankind in general, and the Londoner in particular. After all, thanks
to that ubiquitous London, Chatham, and Dover line, it is not far from
town, not as far as the Agricultural Hall seems to be, and it is the
most wonderful shillingsworth that ever was seen-it's almost as much
for the money as FUN is.

THE lover on meeting his fair one is dumb,
For his heart beats so fast that the words will not come;
But the when and the what I find nothing to say to
Are the opening of spring, and my first new potato.
Oh! the lover more dearly his fair one may prize,
When she warmly responds to his vows and his sighs;
But the time when most fondly and dearly I hold
My belov'd now potato's at supper-and cold!
Oh the bards may of LAURA and BEATRICE sing,
And over their brows the green laurels may fling ;
But of all the young beauties that I'd give a bay to
There's none that can rival my sweet new potato !

Railway Raillery.
THE railway people, who may fairly be described as the arch-fiends,
propose turning their metropolitan arches into workmen's dwellings.
They may talk as much as they like about this being intended for the
workman's good, but he will not look on them in the light of agree-
able rattles." Those who happen to live near a railway will agree
with us that the proposed dwellings could not fairly be spoken of as
" no great shakes." The whole scheme looks like an advertisement
for MESSss. CASSELL, PETTER, AND G-ALPI: The Quiver, with which
is incorporated The Working .Man."


FULL well I recollect the rhymes,
The ballads of my cradle times,
For often EMMA JANE would bring
Her darning to my crib, and sing
Of- well, of almost anything !
@ gursnit!
She rocked my cradle to and fro
The while she chanted soft and low,
0@ jnrer !
And I remember how I hung'
On all she said, on all she sung;
For I was musical, though young,
0( l., '
She said, There was a little man! "
Ay, marry, thus the tale b(,gan,
0 Iunrsric!
"He had a little gun,' she said,
" With bullets that were made of lead "
(They generally are, I've read)
0 iurtic'
Anon she sang about the fall,
Of HUMYrr DurPTY from a wall,
( 4lursie
And then her voice would sink again
To something of a softer strain-
Some exhortation to the rain,
0 ^urscicn!
She said that if it went away
It might return another day,
She sang to me of JACK and JILL,
Who came to grief upon a hill,
Through taking up a pail to fill,
(O .ur .u

every one, Mr. Editor, has his faults, and NICHOLAS may have his;
but speak of a man as you find him is his prophetic motto.
How do you find ;,e ? Look back, thou subscribers, to a long roll
of vaticinatory triumphs; think, above all, of Oxford and of Gladiateur;
and then let History decide the placid verdict! Speak of me accord-
ing; as one who helped many a deserving young speculator to fame
and fortune; as one whose gentle humour and wit, unmixed with
buffoonery, made him popular throughout an empire which is abso-
lutely tromenduous in its immense totality; and as one whose refinement
and aristocratic bearing was quite up to the scratch when called upon
to come with a spurt at the finish.
You may perhaps object that this is not a tip for the Two Thou.
Sir; right you are; nor will he this week name the actual winner,
having had a severe cold. But this lie will say: that Lord Lyon,
though looking well on paper, there is many a slip twixtt the cup and
the lip, as the STUDENT may prove, whilst do not' fail, my noble sup-
porters, to beer in mind the existence of Auguste, than whose pro-
prietor there are many as is much less leery, though a little dubious.
P.S. I am- composing a work on a well-known old: English sport,
with photographic illustrations. Further particulars in future.

In the Name of the Profit-Dates.
Ti following curious advertisement is clipped from a daily paper:
SENSATIONAL MENTAL FEAT.-A y....I. i-..i;l.1 ... ,., has aocomplished a
mighty task. He is able instantly to t. i n.. .i i i. .veek of any given idate
occurring within orange of 2,000 years from A.D. 1, of which there are over 730,000.
Gentlemen desirous of testing and rewarding him for this enormous achievement,
will please send address to J., post-office, etc.
The recollection of so many days might daze any one, and the feat
or rather we should say the head of the young Englishman is indeed
,surprising. Had he been an Arab his acquaintance with dates would
not have surprised us so much. What would he consider sullicient
reward for this achievement? Classical precedent suggests "'Date
obolum," by which we don't moan to say that he gets into a hobble
with his mental feat.

Snsfys to lorrsv)onbcnts.

J. T., Stratford, must be one of the Essex flats if he thinks that we
I would I were a child again, meditate raising the price of FuN. The twopenny edition is mount to
To hear the songs of EMMA JANE, supply-and does supply-a certain demand, but we are not likely to give
0 up our large penny circulation and leave the field open for others. With
Sglurtrite. regard to the personal portion of his letter, apart from the imnprobabililty
Oh! cradle-days for ever flown on the face of it, we do not believe anonymous correspondents.
Young hopes for ever overthrown! A gentleman, who, quoting DE MUSSET, says "jo ddinando un tout petit
I walk the world alone-alone coin pour ma parole,' is reminded that as his copy is not inserted he can't
o nri'. expect to draw the "coin."

SSARA, J. A. YANKus's letter is declined. A feeble tu quoque is a bad
return for the sympathy England has expressed for the South.
A. J. P., Putney.-Abuse of the working-man is simply LOWE, and in
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. your (ose Lvowv without cleverness.
AnPIIA B.-Do B quiet.
THE PROPHET COMMEMORATES HIS RECENT TRIUMPHS, AND -iVES J. W. sends two jokes, and with true prophetic eye two neat ways of
AN ANTICIPATORY GLANCE AT THE Two THOUSAND. refusing them." If he wants his refusal neat," we can only say "rubbish"
without qualification.
PECKHAM. OXONIENSIS.-Right you are, sir. But a drawing on the wood has to
WERE it consistent with the characteristic attributes of a veridical meet with "reverses" that are not always guarded against.
prophet to feel vanityglorious, or puffed out by mere human applause M. G., Edinburgh.-Your joke about Pat-riot-ismn" is very original,
like a bladder, the probability is that at present your old man would not to say eccentric, for it comes upon us from all quarters.
be cock-a-whoop. For, sir, no one knows better than your honoured UNCASUAL is respectfully informed his s. d." won't pass current
self-you always opening my private letters very kindly for me when with us.
directed to the office-no one knows better than you do, you good and JUDE, Dundee.-If you send us vulgar parodies they will not be inserted
gifted Editorial Conductor, that there have been shoals of epistles as a matter of coarse.
expressive of gratitude to NICHOLAS for his former services, and in YAS ST.-When our hairdresser recommended you to try the ile
point of fact asking for more of the same to fo llow of Bagdad," ho did not allude to travel in the East, though he night have
The Prophet's remarks upon the boat- hinted at a trip to Arabia FEuiAXi SULTANA.
The Prophet's remarks upon the boat-race have deservedly met with NEmo.-Nobody can complain of your rejection.
the eulogistical enconiums of every appreciative athlete, who recogniso AN ODD MAN.-Odd man out.
in him one after their own heart---none of your fickle and time-serving The author of "My Love," who dates from Pelham Mews, is informed
Seers, who give you the choice of nearly a dozen horses or large number that the poetic muse was not the place where Apollo put up the horses of
of boats, supposing such to contend, but one who in the calm spirit of the sun, neither apparently is it Pelbam Mews.
mystical lore gives a clear, definite Tit, and sticks to it, like the Bow wow has not invoked the ca-nine muses to much purpose.
needle to the rock or the limpet to the pole. N.-The treatment of the King of Yvetot you send us is so familiar, we
NICHOLAS may, or he may not, have been-as one of your corres- should be so sorry to think you guilty of it.
pondents rather pithily puts it, Mr. Editor- an unprincipled old G. A. A., Sheffield.-That story about shooting the owl is an would one.
tout" ; nor, sir, will I go so far as to deny that there are many periods Sunt.-Not likely to go off well.
in my life during which the Prophet's conduct, although always really N. U. stand for "No Use" to us, after having been once in type.
in my life durngwhich the Prophet's conduct, although alwaysrcally Declined with thanks-X. P. Q., .,-... Sheffield; J. 1"., Guy's;
wishing to act on the square, was not exactly what it is a pleasure to S. J. C., Warren-street; S. L., a. ...n. ., G. W. S., Edinburgh;
look back upon through thatlong and distant vista which spreads from j. E. G., Kilburn; II. E. II., Crawford-street; L. W. ; J. B. (per 0. P.);
his present pinnacle to the stables and mewses where he used to hang Peccavi; 1. ; W. P. C. ; Retlaw; Country Cousin; I). II. W., Wimbledon;
about in other years. Perhaps I was "an unprincipled old tout," One of the Dovil's Own."

APRIL 14, 1866.]

F N [APRIL 14, 1866.



, i '

WET nights are good for theatres. The evening of Easter Monday
last was wet. Therefore the evening of Easter Monday was good for
the theatres.
La Belle lII/ne has not yet been produced at the Adelphi. It is,
however, in active preparation.
The Haymarket Theatre-with which is incorporated MR. SOTHERN
-has achieved a legitimate success with Da. MARSTON'S new comedy
T/ie .zvourite of Fortune. The piece, although it has faults, is
really a good one, and is thoroughly English, and thoroughly original.
No MoNsiEuR TELLEcHOSE has been defrauded of the credit due
to him. It is not a fast comedy nor a farce comedy. No wicked
baronets make love to other men's wives, nor is the plot evolved by
the characters hiding in cupboards, or under tables, or in cucumber
frames. No crockery is smashed, and baby-linen is not only not ex-
hibited, but is not even spoken of. Min. SOTHERN, as the hero, made a
marked impression on a public who have been too ready to believe
that his talent was confined to the caricature of abnormal eccentricities.
The Easter Monday of 1866 may prove an epoch in his career. We
have to welcome Ml. BUCKSTONE in an entirely new class of character
-that of Charles, his friend, a young lover with high animal spirits
and strong powers of persuasion. Attired in a sort of yachting cos-
tume he looked a singular combination of Captain Cuttle and Mr.
Toots, and he played the part of Tom Sutherland with his usual genial
gurgle. Miss KATE SAVILLE, who made her first appearance as the
heroine, was received with favour, and the audience were delighted,
as indeed how could they fail to be, with Miss NELLY MOORE. It is
an agreeable thing to think that comedy is becoming so popular, and
that managers may soon perhaps say to authors, Don't do a trans-
lation, but write us a piece yourself-one out of your own head "
Miss M. OLIVEn has taken a theatre, and FUN takes this earliest op-
portunity of wishing her success. The New Royalty opened under
her management on the 31st. It would appear that a light entertain-
ment-comedy, extravaganza, and farce-is to be the order of her bill.
The lever de rideau at present is the capital comedy of Perfection, which
is followed by a new burlesque-extravaganza entitled Ulf the Minstrel,

and the last piece is the Married Bachelor. On Tuesday last when we
witnessed Ulf the Minstrel, the audience were rapturous over song,
dance, and parody, and re-demanded everything they could. The
pretty faces, and the pretty dresses, and the gorgeous scenery pleased a
crowded house. Bravo Miss OLIVER, and may petticoat govern-
ment flourish in theatres as it does out of them.
We are happy to say that we are still enabled to make the gratifying
announcement that La Belle b elene is in active preparation at the
IN Gpite of evident nervousness and the thousand and one mechani-
cal contretemps that are always expected (and never disappoint) on first
performances, Ma. W. S. WooDuN sent a large audience home very
well pleased with his new entertainment the other evening. The
writing of Baden Baden and Up in the Air is distinguished by all the
liveliness that might have been anticipated from the author of Society
and Garrick, Mn. T. IV. ROBERTsoN, and the entertainer effects his
changes with wonderful rapidity, impersonating with equal success the
transcendental idealist, who is actually so fat that he seems to be
guilty of deliberate crime in denying the existence of matter, and the
sweet thing of eighteen who adores dancing without being particularly
partial to dancers. The first part of the entertainment is devoted en-
tirely to representations of character; the last part, Up in the Air,
has a plot in it-a letter-an elopement-another elopement-a balloon
-a canary-oh, all sorts of things, bless you!. The light but effective
music has been selected and arranged by Mn. F. WALLERSTEIN. Of
the original air sung by the Demon of Chance, it is high, but well
deserved praise to say that we thought it worthy of OFFENBACH, whose
Belle fdlene, by the way, has been laid under contributions for this
occasion. By all such persons as consider it sinful to cross the
threshold of a playhouse, MR. WOODes'S entertainment will be found
as excellent a substitute for the theatre at evening, as orange marma-
lade for butter at breakfast.

A CORRESPONDENT is anxious to learn whether LADY FIFE's drums
are musical.

London: Printed by JUDD & OLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 14, 1866.

THOUGH merry days have flown
Now that I've seedy grown,
Often I sit alone,
Musing, alas!
Hours past I can't forget,
Viewing thro' eyelids wet,
Relics I treasure yet
Over my glass.
GERALDINE'S sunny face
Peeps out from scraps of lace,
Torn by the fire-place
From her new dress.
Just for one happy hour
Bloom'd this poor withered flower,
Dying it owned the power
Of MAY'S caress.
I can decipher well,
Varied by "I" and "L"
On tiny cards.
Crosses by LILY's name,
What's this? a picture frame,
Paper in which it came,
With M.'s regards.
Mottoes, a shrivelled leaf.
Gloves and a handkerchief,
Fans that have come to grief,
Dried bits of grass.
Back comes the past again,
Banishing weary pain,
While these old scraps remain
Over my glass.

The Heads of the People.
IT is impossible for an admirer of MILTON to wander
through the third-rate streets of this great metropolis,
and note the unkempt locks of the juvenile population,
without being reminded of Comb-us!"

APRIL 21, 1866.] F 1U N. 51



Sf( IR,-PAUL DELAROCHE painted "The Execution of
,r Lady Jane Grey" in order to prove that a historical
-y event could be rendered pictorially in a perfectly intel-
eligible manner without the human eye being visible in
B any one of the figures-and he succeeded admirably!
R Some of our native artists-I am proud to say, as a
Briton and a ratepayer-have completely outdone the
famous Frenchman. They turn all their attention to drapery (it looks
artistic to call it "drapery"-ordinary people say "clothes") and
pay little attention to the face, looking upon it as a thing of small con-
sequence while they consider expression (I judge merely from their -<
works) of none at all!
I propose to go further still. This is an age of progress. Let us do
away with the painting of faces altogether. It would save a great
.._-'~ deal of trouble to artists first of all-especially portrait-painters,
because sitters are always such a bore, insisting upon having their
likenesses made like them. In the next place it would considerably
lighten the fatigue of sitting for a portrait; and, lastly, it would get
one out of that everlasting difficulty in which one is placed by friends
who show you a picture and ask you "if you know who it is!" Of
course you don't-and make shocking blunders such as "Ah, charm-
ing! Very! Extremely like you, indeed! "-whereon your inter-
rogator exclaims, Me why, that's meant for grandmamma!" How
much better would it be to abolish the absurd custom of painting
faces altogether !
You, sir, may perhaps be inclined to look upon this notion as
slightly wild. It may, indeed, appear a little visionary at first sight.
I have, therefore, prepared proofs of its practicability and excellence.
In support of my scheme allow me to submit the following specimens
of my new school of painting.
No. 1 is the portrait of my uncle JOHN, who did not remember me
in his will. (The umbrella is drawn from one in the Loan Collection
at South Kensington.)
No. 2 is the eminent and fortunate member of the medical profession .
'who had the honour of ushering your humble servant into that world,
whose happiness he is so anxious to promote.
No. 3 is the portrait of a remarkable female who was also present
on the momentous occasion referred to in the last paragraph.
No. 4. My grand-uncle HERCULES, officer and gentleman.
No. 5. Grandson of the above, and ditto ditto.
No. 6. A friend of my youth.
No. 7. A French marquis, betrothed to aunt TABITHA, of whoso
heart, watch and seals, and small balance at the bank he made
himself master, returning to his native land without fulfilling his
No. 8. Brother Tom.
No. 9. Posthumous portrait of a relative who was in the Royal
Navy. He died a midshipman at the early age of eighty four.
Need I continue the list ? I think not. I have triumphantly proved
-- my case, and I hope I may yet live to see the endless "portraits of a
gentleman" which crowd the Academy walls, painted without the
staring eyes, crooked mouths, and unmeaning smirks they now
.- wear.
In conclusion, sir, in order to show that I am not bigoted, I dash _
off, in No. 10, a hasty memorandum of a well-known face. It is that --
of an eminent dramatic author, actor, and auditorian.
I am, sir, yours, &c.,

TOL0. m. F


[APRIL 21, 1866.

IN LEMPRIERE, bewitching book,
I've read and read the story olden,
Which tells about the king who took
That funny fancy to the golden.
This monarch, by a single touch,
Transmuted anything instanter-
(Ah! Times have altered very much,
And only Tempora mutantuw'.)
His palace-roof was lifted high
On pillars bright with. golden glory-
(No modern publisher could buy
One column of this classic story.)
His pampered menials quite cut out
The pages in the Wealth of Nations;"
Gilt at the edges, past a doubt,
And full of Doai: illustrations.
But MIDAS very soon, they say,
Knelt down and, driven to distraction,
Implored the Gods to take away
Their fatal gift of aurifaction.
'Twas hunger that induced remorse,
The king was very nearly starving;
For gilding, as a thing of course,
Became synonymous with carving.
Do all I will, I cannot bring
My fancy to believe the fable,
A cheque's about the only thing
I turn to gold when I am able.
And gold, from all that I can learn
(Since transmutation seems but proper),
Gets changed to silver in its turn;
And silver, in its turn, to copper!

S *
"NAY, by my halidome !" exclaimed the worthy GILrS, interrupting
the last speaker.
Nay, quotha ? May thy next mouthful of magot-pie stick in thy
gullet, and mayst thou choke in thy next stoup of ale," replied the
other with acrimony.
"Peace, brawlers," exclaimed the captain of the guard in a voice of
command, Aye, marry, or I'll score ye over the mazzards with my
quarter staff!"
Well said, roisterer," said a deep voice proceeding from the door-
It was the bluff king himself.
The varlets rose at once and did obeisance to his majesty.
Nay, i'feckins, but, by our Lady, if, on my troth, he had, by the
mass, raised a hand-aye, gadzooks, so much as," etc., etc.

THE day is fast coming when our Commons will be uncommon.
The common lot of the period is to be let on building lease, and what
with railroads and landlords, we Londoners are fast becoming exiles,
for we have no country! Some of them have been looting at Tooting
which is entirely enclosed. At Wimbledon, LORD SPENCER having
failed to dodge the local authorities into letting him the common at
his whim build on, has turned a good deal of the ground into brick-
field, as the nearest approach to a house. In short the green waste
once clad in Nature's livery is being turned up with red, and cut into
a Si'ENCER. Wandsworth is already largely built upon, and the land-
owners are still building hopes onit. If Londoners wish to retain any
green plot about town they must guard against the plots of the
builders. Parliament must be appealed, to guard our rights. The
Peers should be warned how rapidly the country disappears, and the
Commons should be told to look after our common interests.

MARmC winds and April showers
Bring forth May flowers ;"
But then, to finish the cadenza,
They also bring the influenza!

gruton galh,


RICKET and Cro-
qftet-the one dan-
gerous to the limbs
(according to the
-~- Parisians), and the
.,,-< other to the hearts
of the players-are
rapidly coming in
-season with the
finer weather. To
.'5 ,^ -, be sure it is a little
-'( showery still, but
that is rather a sign
P that we are return-
ing to the old
system of seasons,
."\instead of having
our April showers
n June, as we have
at times of late.
The country-you
see, though a Lon-
doner to the back-
,; bone, I do some-
S- times make little
S excursions beyond
the bricks-is look-
ing very well. Na-
S ture is putting on
her Spring attire.
As Le -Follet would
say, "Primroses are
s0 rapidly coming into
wear, and butter-
bein fashion; green
buds are de rigueur,
and we have noticed some neat things in daffodils, for trimming the
borders of fields. Green is the prevailing mnode."
LONDON seems to have reached the height of the season already.
The Row and the Park are crammed daily. The Easter recess seems
to have taken no one out of town except Members of the Ministry who
had to stump the Reform question. What excellent speeches those
were of GLADSTONE's at Liverpool! The Bill seems to be pretty safe,
so safe that the noble Premier has got quite sprightly about it. That
was a very neat hit of his at the Liberal Conference in Downing-street
the other day, when he mentioned that on the occasion of his bringing
in his last Bill, he was warned by a Liberal M.P., in an eloquent
speech, that he ought to bring in the measure by half at a time-and
that speech was made by 1R. HOnS AN. Another great sign of the
probable success of the measure is that the Times is trimming very fast
-so fast that it had not time to attend to the ballast properly, and
admitted a letter from "An Old Lady," suggesting that MR. PBA-
BODY's portrait should be put up in Guildhall-where it has been for
some time past!
.Apropos of HoRsiAN, what an amusing little debate that was on
DARBY GairFIT's motion, if one may call it so, about the "redistri-
bution of seats" in the House I These little chance passages of arms
are, as anyone who is in the habit of attending the debates will tell
you, very much better than many of the great fights for which so
much preparation is made. GLADSTONE was very happy, chaffing the
"new party" unmercifully. It is astonishing how admirably he has
adapted himself to the leadership which has devolved upon him. Little
more than a year ago nobody would have believed that he could ever
command his impatience of bores and blunderbores sufficiently to un-
dertake the rnle. But we must not expect but that some day the grand
old anger will burst out, and he'll shake a CoureBOUanE, or something
of that sort very fiercely, amid the alarm and astonishment of the
THE runmours about the Royal Academy are flying about on, all sides.
MILLAIS does not exhibit, nor does SANDYS. LEIGHTONe's picture is
said to be as fine as his Cimabue. CALDERON'S little Princess, and
YEAxES's Court of Elizabeth, will be features. Sm Enwin does not
fail, and his brother, the well-known engraver, has taken up the brush
too. IMARKS sends some middle age subjects; and LESLIE, a sober
little composition, with a damsel of the last century wandering by a
moat. VicAr COLE'S Twilight will be a favourite, and so, of course,
will LEADER'S views be. SANT illustrates the opening of BnochArden;

APRIL 21, 1866.] F 1U N. 53

and he, as well as the new President, will have some portraits on the
walls. TornutiE, BARNES, and MORTEN send respectively a pair of
soldiers roused from gambling by the cry, "to arms," Malvblio read-
ing the letter, and a lady pleading to see her imprisoned husband
guarded by a Puritan soldier. WALKER will, I hope, be represented;
WI x, GOODALL, and most of the popular favourites. While I am on
the subject of Art, I can't resist drawing attention to a notice of exhi-
bitions in the Times the other day. It was headed, The Society of
British Artists, the British Institution, and the Dudley Gallery," but
the two old galleries were dismissed in about ten lines, while two
columns were devoted to the last-named society. It certainly is a very
fair collection, and there is much that is bad in the other two, but it is
most unfair to omit all mention of them in order to bepraise the Dudley.
Is the explanation of this gross partiality to be found in the fact that
the name of the Times Art-Critic appears as one of the promoters of the
new speculation ?
I HAVE received number two of the Hornsey Hornet. Although it is,
and professes to be, a purely local print, there are good general points
about it. Of course, it is very strong on parochial politics. It con-
tains a few illustrations which are exceedingly good for a small local
publication. I have, also, before me the Journal of the National Life-"
boat Institution, containing the annual report of that excellent society.
The records show that the boats have saved upwards of five hundred
lives during the past year. I think if any man takes the trouble to
realise this, not as a mere abstract number, but as a number of fellow-
creatures rescued from death and restored to those who love them, he
will not grudge his mite to the Samaritans of the main. I have no
doubt that the secretary, MR. LEwis, at the office, 14, John-street,
Adelphi, will be glad to hear something to the society's advantage
from any of my readers who may be anxious to invest their surplus
cash well.
I HAVE just received a Century of Sonnets, by MR. JAcoB JONES. I
don't agree with his views about the sonnet, remembering what
WoreswonTH has done with the Italian form. What MI. JONES
defines as the English sonnet-somewhat arbitrarily, I think-has too
great a tendency to diffuseness. His own sonnets would have been
greatly improved to my mind had he crystallized them into the Italian
form. I must do MR. JoNEs the justice to say that the smoothness of
his versification might serve as a model for our young poets (and
some of our old ones too)-he has a faultless ear for rythm, and here
and there in his poems are very charming fancies.

THIS way of life would surely break
A giant's constitution;
To-morrow I shall undertake
A thorough revolution.
The locks are getting gray and thin
That once were black and curly;
Yes-reformation shall begin
To-morrow morning early.
I'm getting on for forty fast;
I'm naturally lazy;
I don't like looking on the past-
The future's very hazy.
In point of fact, as money's "tight"
And creditors grow surly,
I'd better change my habits quite,
To-morrow morning early.
Reform! Reform! it's all the cry
Through England at the minute,
In spite of Tories, who may try
To think there's nothing in it.
But death to Opposition's storm,
And party's hurly-burly!
Do, RUSSELL, let us have Reform
To-morrow morning, EARLY!

A Kean Appreciation of the Bard.
THE papers state that MR. and MRns. CHAnLES KEAN have nearly
finished a professional tour through both hemispheres. They started
Eastward from England more than two years ago, and have since
acted on both sides of the globe. Of course, they are more than ever
convinced of the truth of SHAKESPEARE'S statement that "all the
world's a stage."

S'MoTO FOR THE JAMAICA COMMISSION.-" Nimium ne crede Colori"

ON FRIDAY the 6th, it was announced that the honourable Mus.
THERESA YELVERTON would give readings at the Hanover-square
Concert Rooms, and at eight o'clock on that evening Mas. YLVERiTON
made her appearance before an eager, interested, and attentive
audience. Her appearance was very warmly welcomed. She was
evidently not only extremely nervous, as the term goes, but positively
suffering from fright. Her first reading was Locksley Hall," and
those passages which in the remotest degree bore upon her own
singular and delicate position, were vehemently applauded-a fact
which I thought exhibited a want of delicacy in her auditors. The
May Queen" was the least effective of Mus. YELVERTON'S efforts, for
it c contained no such allusions as in such lines as
"I am shamed thro' all my nature to have loved so slight a thing."
He will prize theewhen his passion shallhave spent its novel force,
Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse!"
Oh my cousin, shallow-hearted-oh my Amy, mine no more,
Oh the dreary, dreary moorland, oh the barren, barren shoro 1"
LONGFELLOW'S "Excelsior," and a selection from 1liawatha,'
were read with a perfect perception of the inner light of poetry, but
they are not effective poems for recitation. Mns. YELVERTON's boat
reading was Lady Clara Vere do Vero." The crispness of its metro,
which makes it so suitable for reading, the popularity of its senti-
ment, and the pointed allusions to a sad past, made the line,
"And slew him with your noble birth,"
tell with great force. Often as Mns. THERESA YELVBRTON'S personal
appearance has been described, a regard for the curiosity of our fair
readers compels us to remark that MRS. YELVERTON is blonde commne
les blds," and that on Monday last she wore white.
The now Strand burlesque, Paris; or, Vive Lempriare, is a decided
success, and will no doubt form the chief attraction of the playbills
for some time. The scenery and costumes are all that could be wished,
the acting and singing of the principal performers are quite up to the
average of this theatre, and the cellar-flap dances are not more than
usually wanting in refinement. Of the author's share in this burlesque
we can only say that it would have been more perfect if more trouble
had been taken with it-a remark which cannot be considered unkind,
since it is also applicable to a cartoon by RA'AEL.LE, a tragedy by
SHAKESPEARE, and a symphony by MOZAUt. It seems to us that in
each successive burlesque the labours of the scene-painter, the cos-
tumier, and the leader of the orchestra become heavier, and those of
the writer more insignificant. It is little to be wondered at under
such cirtcmstances, that an accredited wit should favour five or six
hundred people per noctem with puns that he would scarcely dare to
indulge in before an audience of half-a-dozen at a moderately intel-
lectual dinner table.
There is one other point in the burlesque on which we feel it our
duty to speak plainly. Mu. SKETCHLEY sang last year in tis Paris,"
a very clever comic song entitled The Twins,"-a song which has,
we believe, been since published and has been very popular. The
author of the Strand burlesque has doubtless heard that song, and
with his keen enjoyment of the humorous appreciated it highly.
But he should be careful to draw the line between appreciation and
assimilation. There is too strong a likeness in his duet of Castor and
Pollux to the song we have mentioned, to be purely accidental. In
support of our assertion we will give a stanza from the original song :
"In form, and feature, face, and limb,
I grow so like my brother,
That folks got taking me for him,
And each for one another.
It puzzled all our kith and kin,
It reached an awful pitch,
For one of us was born a twin,
An4 not a soul knew which!
The idea is not carried out with the same finish and refinement
in the following lines from the Strand duet, but it is adopted bodily.
"The doctor declared upon oath
That the likeness between us was sich,
He could never tell either from both,
Aed always took t'ather for which.
And when we were able to run,
We puzzled our nurse and our mother,
Who settled if either was one,
'Twas evident neither was t'other."
To describe this similarity as an extraordinary coincidence would
be insulting the intelligence of our readers. It is neither more nor
less than plagiarism.
CONSmIERING the non-flattering nature of workhouse gruel it is
hardly to be wondered at that paupers are often described as living

54 [APRIL 21, 1866.

F,.U -


Old Farmer (doiny t1e sociabi) :-" FINE GIIOWIN' MONIN', SIR!"
o' TlING!" [Yawns.

THE LIFE OF A CENTENARIAN. old enough to be even a member of Parliament. In fifty years the
readers of Fuw shall be made acquainted with my real name and
(TIE writer of the following instructive autobiography is now in address.
his hundred and first year, and retains, as the reader will not fail to
acknowledge, the entire possession of all his faculties.)
I was born in April, 1766. It seems yesterday. I shall probably VERSES TO A PROSER.
die in April, 1966. It seems to-morrow.
At the age of twenty I made my mind up to take no note of time. I BY THE MEMBEn Or GOVERNMENT WHO HAS TO SIT HIM OUT.
gave up the folly of keeping my birthdays, forgot how old I was, and PRATE, prate, prate,
went on living, April after April, just as if nothing had happened. In those old grave tones, M.P.,
At the age of thirty I left off the pernicious habit of looking at For it cannot be hard to utter
myself in a glass. Years glide without any perceptible effect over Such thoughts as arise in thee.
the man who is unconscious of their progress. I went on living as if
nothing had happened. Oh! woe for official employ!
At the age of sixty I was unfortunate enough to drop my cricket-ball I must list your persistence of bray;
into the Serpentine. On stooping over the limpid mirror to regain it, I Oh! well for the Tory and Rad,
beheld the reflection of my still youthful features. A pang shot From thy sing-song a-bolting away.
through my frame at that moment, which I immediately recognized as
the growing pain. By a great effort of will I soon forgot all about With thy statesman-ship go on-
it, and went on living as if nothing had happened. Though thy raving render me ill!
At the age of eighty I purchased a set of artificial teeth, taking For it's, oh too much of that brandish'd hand,
due precaution to have the previous ones removed while I lay under And that sound of a voice that is shrill!
the influence of chloroform. Unfortunately the dentist's bill (which
I settled on reaching the age of ninety), reminded me of the circum- Prate, prate, prate,
stance, and I once more suffered from the old pain. The conviction With the tongue that ne'er flags, M.P.,
of not being quite so young as before made me inexpressibly miserable, I attend in my place till thy say it is said,
but I consoled myself by ordering a beautiful black wig, which was And the others come back to me.
adjusted in my sleep, and fitted me to a hair. My boyish appearance
was noticed wherever I went, a fact which gave me courage to go on
living, as if nothing had happened. Strange-if True-zalum.
At the age of one century I sit calmly down to record my experiences IT is a curious fact that the Principalities which expelled PINme
of a short but active career. I have always found that the only way CouZA have adopted as their national anthem an air well known in our
to defy progress is to ignore it. burlesques. It begins ," Oh PRINCE CouzA-lum! PRINCE CouzA-lum!
Yet my name is not ROBERT LowE, for1' am not as yet considered PRINCE COUZA-luml'"




"It is a serious thing that I cannot secure a seat on this bench unless I come down at half-past 3 o'clock, and I have come down at half-past 3 and found my place
occupied. It would be a great comfort to us if we might be allowed to sit together and communicate with one another just as the supporters of the
Government and the Opposition."-ME. HonsMAN's Speech, April 9th.


APRIL 21, 1866. F U N. 57

I DID say as I never would have a dog for to darken my doors, but
when BROWN brought it in I must say I never see such a beauty, as
is called Sikey, though it's wrote on the collar "Physic," as plain
as can be, but I suppose that's what it is in French, where it
come from.
I never see a lovelier coat than the creetur had got, as soft as silk,
with a eye as seemed for to beam on you, as the saying' is. I never
did see such a dog in a house; no trouble no ways, except a nasty
'abit of gnawin' things, as I very soon cured it on.
I'm sure that dog know'd what I was a-thinkin' about, with a
temper like a lamb, or else our cat never would have took to it as she
did, though a mother herself through me 'avin' saved two beautiful
kittens, one a tabby and the other a black, as is both promised, for
parties as knows me is glad to have a cat out of my house.
I'm sure the way as that dog took to them kittens if he'd been their
own uncle he couldn't have been kinder, though at times more free.
than welcome, as the sayin' is, through a-takin' them out of the
basket whenever the mother had turned her back, as was a good
mother I must say.
BROWN was always at me about not overfeedin' that dog, and I'm
sure I never did, not as he were a greedy dog, nor ever touched the
cat's dinner, as I considers honourable, and might make many a
Christian blush, as I've knowed take mean advantages at my own
table in helping' theirselves to the best, a-thinkin' me to be unawares.
The trouble as I took with washin' and combine' that dog nobody
wouldn't believe, as knowed Friday by his instinct, and would hide
in the copper-hole, for I must say as I did take a pride in his coat, as
shone like silver, and not a tangle in it, and wouldn't have trusted him
to our LIZA, as is too hasty in her ways.
Well, I must say as I was anxious about the animal, for BnowN was
a-talkin' constant about that dog bein' lost, For," says he, there's
money in him." I says, Well, then, if he should be lost through my
fault I'll find him."
I don't think it was three weeks after as I'd said it when one day I
wanted to go as far as the Wandsworth-road, and took the dog with
me, through a-thinkin' as the poor thing were a-pinin' for exercise.
I'm sure I can't a-bear looking' after a dog, for turning' round con-
stant don't suit me, but I'd had it out once or twice quite safe, and so
hadn't no fears, and certainly he followed beautiful, till all of minute
I looked round and he was gone. I stared agin, for I thought he must
have flowed away, and then I says to myself, "He's been and run
into a shop or somewheres" So I stops and calls "Sikey, Sikey,"
till parties asked me what I'd lost, and one young chap with his im-
pudence told me I'd better whistle for him. I'm sure I was up and
down that road two good hours, but not a vestment of him could I see,
and as it was a-gettin' dusk I give him up. I could have cried when
I got home, and BRowN was put out, for we really felt quite lonesome
without the poor thing.
I says, "I'll have bills and offer five shillins reward." He says,
"Don't be a fool, you'll never get him back for five pounds."
I says, "If I know'd he was that valuable he never should have
moved but with a collar and string."
Well, there, he was gone more than ten days when I was a-men-
tionin' of my loss to Mi. RAWLINSON, as keeps the smin' Sun," as
says to me, Why ever don't you apply to the bishop for him."
I says, What's the bishop got to do with lost dogs ? Oh," he
says, everything' Why, bless you, he's got Acts of Parliaments for
'em, and there ain't a dog-stealer in London as don't quake at his
I says, "Wherever is he to be found, bless him ?" Says he, "In
Bond-street, that's where he's bishop of."
I F:'ys, Oh, indeed; but," I says, won't it be a liberty in me for
to go and speak to a bishop about my dog, as is unbeknown to his
lord hip ? He says, Not at all."
I says, What's the number ? Says he, Ask any one when you
gets there, everybody knows him and everyone looks up to him." I
says, "I'm there the first thing to-morrow."
I didn't say nothing' to BBowN, through wantin' for to surprise him
in bringing' the dog back with me, but off I went by the West-end
'bus, as put me down in Piccadilly, and soon found my way to Bond-
street, as I walks up till I meets a policeman, as I asked for to direct
me to the bishop's. Bishop of what ?" says he.
Why, of Bond-street, of course," says I. Oh," he says, "there
it is, and him a-standin' in the doorway."
A noble bigger with a apron on like the driven snow, as I've heerd
say bishops always wears. Of all the kind parties as ever I see he
was the kindest. He felt for me like a father over that dog.
"Ah," he says, "my dear, I've had losses myself, heavy losses;
but," he says, I'll try and help you. Walk in," says he.
I did walk in, as is noble premises, and the guns all about the place,
as, of course, is a terror to them dog-stealers. Well, he showed me
his dogs as is picters, and told me how he'd lost a hangel through a

fancy old maid a-takin' it into her head as it was a rabbit, and had it
She must have been a fool I should say, and wanted lockin' up
herself, as nobody wouldn't be safe with; but with all his kindness he
wasn' able to throw no lights over my dog. So I says, "I turns you
many thanks for your kindness; for," I says, "kind you are and a
feeling' heart," for I could see as tears was a-comin' into his eyes when
he spoke of his loss, and, bless you, the place full of the very first
lords in the land, as he showed me hisself a duke as he'd nussed a
babby, and pr'aps 'ave christened, not as he carries on the bishop now
through having' retired, but he's a noble-'arted man as ever I see.
I was a-goin' home with a 'cavy 'art, and a-walkin' slow down
Parliament-street for the 'bus to overtake me, when what should I see
in a man's arms but the very dog itself.
Well, just as I come up he puts it down for to light his pipe. I
gives a chirrup like for to make sure as it wore the dog. The animal
looked up and know'd me. I pounces on him and ketches hold ef
his neck.
Let my dog alone," says the fellow, a-scowlin' at me. Shan't,"
says I, "it ain't your dog."
"It is," says he. You're a falsehood," says I, for it's mine."
Well, I'd got the dog that tight as he couldn't jerk it out of my
hand, and there was plenty of people a-passin' as stopped. ,::."
"What's the row ?" says a fellar. "Why, this old female's a-tryin'
to grab my dog," says the other.
"And she's a-goin' to grab it, too," says I. "Are you ?" says he.
"Yes," says I, "and here's the police," and up one come in the
very nick. I says, "Policeman, this is my dog as I lost last Thursday
week in the Wandsworth-road, as this fellar has got." The man says,
" Who are you a-callin' fellar ? I tell you this dog is the property
of a gentleman in St. John's-wood as lost it on Friday, and I've got
it back for him."
I says, "Policeman, it's all lies," I says, "I'll swear to the dog." I
says, My name is BuowN, I'll give you my address."
So he wrote it down, and asks the man the gentleman's address in
St. John's-wood, as he said he'd forgot, but know'd the house. Says
the Policeman, "Walker."
If you'd seen them two fellars step it at that you'd 'ave smiled, as
was regular roughs,, and that dog got that dirty as I don't think any
one would have know'd him with a bit of ropo round his throat, as
had been evident tied up. I was that pleased as to 'ave a cab, and so
got home just before BnowN, and to see that dog jump over him when
he come in it was for all the world like a Christian, and I do believe
as the cat was as glad to see him back as any of us.
About a day or two after up comes a brougham to the door and' out
gets a young lady, leastways she was dressed handsome, but when
she opened her mouth she spilt it all through her talking' that loud,
with her face painted and floured up, as I could see though sho did
keep her wail down, as I considers rude in speaking' to any one. So
she bounces up to the door and says, I want to see Mus. BnoWN."
I says, "By all means," through bein' at the parlour door. I says,
"Walk in."
She says, I've called about that dog." What dog P says I.
The one you claimed on Monday in Parliamenf-streat," she says,
"it's mine." I says, Beggin' your pardon, it ain't."
She says, A friend of mine gave it me on Saturday;. he paid five
pounds for it, and it was stolen before throoe o'clock the same day.
The poor man you met with it was bringing' it home to me' when you
took it from him." I says, "A poor man he may be, but he'r a thie
for he's robbed you as well as me. Why," I says,. "'haw coulnhe
know about the dog bein' your in the time ?"
Oh," she says,." my friend sent a red-coat man down fron the
club into Westminster Saturday night to ferret it out, an he came
and told me he was on the track Sunday morning. Well," I says,
tracks on a Sunday may be all very well for them as likes-'em, but
that man is a thief, tracks or no tracks."
Come," she says, Mus. BuowN, you're a dear, jolly old soul,
you'll let me have the dog." "Not if I knows it," says I.
What will you take for him ? Nothin'," says I.
Then," she says, I'll summons you and make you give it up.
You call people thieves, look at home," she says. Now," I says,
"my good girl, you keep a civil tongue in your head, and take your-
self off, or I'll have a policeman in, for I do believe you're one of
the gang."
She bounced out of the place a-wowin' wengeance, as I says, Let
her have, but she don't get that dog for all her impudence, as is no
doubt one of a gang of swindlers, as goes dashin' about dressed up for
to take parties in, but I ain't such a fool as I looks, as the sayin' is,
and if they gets hold op Sikey agin they may keep it."

WHY is England the richest country in the world ? Because it has
a Deal more on its coast than any other country. _.L

58 F U N. [APrL 21, 1866.

T was the old sage who sat up in the tower.
Sing hey the clothyard arrow!
And the lady she sat in her innermost bower.
Oh, sarsnct ribbon's n arrow
The porter he stood by the barbican door,
But the drunken old butler did nothing but snore,
I And he let the brown ale run all over the floor.
., Sing hey, sing ho, the though and the crow,
The tomtit and the sparrow !
Oh, well might the sage study BRADsnAw and that.
Sing hey the clothyard arrow !
Oh, well might the damsel knit, net, knot, and tat.
-- Oh, sarsnet ribbon's narrow !
Oh, well might the porter keep watch at the gate,
And well might the butler befuddle his pate-
-. Strange things were to happen as I shall relate.
"N Sing hey, sing ho, the though and the crow,
D OThe tontit and the sparrow!

I Oh, the lady she gazed through her sitting-room pane.
Sing hey the clothyard arrow!
She saw a bold knight pricking over the plain.
Oh, sarsnet ribbon's narrow !
His pennon was flying so noble to see,
And he rode a swift nag and was armed cap-d--pie,
But she couldn't make out who the deuce he could be.
-- Sing hey, sing ho, the though and the crow,
WR MThe tomintit and the sparrow !

SThen the gallant he sounded the horn at the gate.
1'' Sing hey the clothyard arrow !
Said the sage "It's the Taxes! Ah, well, he must wait."
Oh, sarsnet ribbon's narrow!
Quoth the porter, "The washing come home to the Keep;"
But the butler said nothing, for he was asleep,
Oh, the lady was lost in a reverie deep.
Sing hey, sing ho, the though and the crow,
The tomntit and the sparrow !

The lady she leaned from a casement hard by.
Sing hey the clothyard arrow
_When the stranger perceived her he holloa'd out "Hi!"
Oh, sarsnet ribbon's narrow !
Oh, who might you be ?" said that damsel so bright,
/"A duke or an earl ?" and he answered "I mnight-
B ut I'm only a brave and adventurous knight."
Sing key, sing ho, the chough and the crow,
The tonmtit and the sparrow

S Cried the lady, Oh, where did you win your spurs?"
Sing hey the clothyard arrow !
And the warrior replied to that question of hers,
Oh, sarsnet ribbon's narrow !
"Why I was the mayor of a small country town,
And I gave a great spread for the Heir to the Crown,
_When to lay the first stone of our Hall he came down!"
Sing hey, sing ho, the chough and the crow,
The tomntit and the sparrow !

IT being part of NICHOLAS' prophetic duty to show scorn her own
iimago, and hold up the mirror of an extremely disagreeable nature,
the old man will not shrink from freely commenting upon the turf-
scandals and contumelious gossip of the day, whilst to give it an ap-
pearance of superficial liveliness the printers will please to break up
his communication into short paragraphs, with romantic titles like a
novel by ALEXANDER D00MAR.
Not ride him ?' sries the Marquis (as was him of Hastings).
S"Blowed if I do!" answers JEMiY GmtisiAw, the jockey.
"Not ride Prodigal? as was the horse, than whom perhaps one
more fractious, though a little gay.
Certainly not," returns GiRIMSHAw, as cool as a cucumber, or a earl.

"And why not ?" demands the Patrician, affably.
Along of his fractious tendency," quoth JAMES, and my having
only one neck, which is worth two thousand a year to me."
"Very well, then," sa th the Marquis.
"Very well then," answers JEM.
"You are no longer in my service," cries HASTINGS.
Blowed if I haven't a good mind to punch your miserable head
for you, or words to that effect," replies the undaunted horseman.
Pale but still undaunted, GRIMSIAW appeared in consequence before
ADMIRAL ROUs and other swells of the Jockey Club, which once
warned "AsrGUs" off Newmarket Heath, and might do the same by
" NICHOLAS" himself if he wrote of them disrespectful, as will only
say than whom perhaps a more incompetent set of duffers, for all their
formality-and even the Admiral may be sometimes wrong.

APRIL 21, 1866.]


"Splice the main-taffrail-boom and weight for age!" cries Brit-
tannia's hardy naval champion. Who did you say ?" he says.
"My valet" answers GRIMSHAW, and MaESSns. JUDD AND GLASS will
please to put the authorgraphy exactly as I have wrote, although the
pronunciation is more like valley," a gentle declivity.
"Shiver my marling-spikes and the second to save his stakes!"
shouts the Admiral, You mean the MARQUIS OF HASTINGS' valet."
"I don't mean nothing of the sort," replies JEM. "I mean my
valet, his name being BARKER, salary a hundred pounds per annum
yearly, and his brandy and water found him."
"Then in the name of all that is maritime and sportive," rejoins
the impulsive veteran, we suspend you from riding for a couple of
"Thank you for nothing," says JEm.
It was at a period of my prophetic career to which I will only refer
under the topographical denomination of Belgravia that NICHOLAS,
like other men of wealth and fashion, had a valet of his own, and at
first he will not deny but that it was agreeable to find your trousers
and other garments neatly brushed in the morning, no matter in what
state you might have come home, and everything in the way of
physical comfort that obsequious deference and hot water could
NICHOLAS, however, had not been used to such attendance in early
life, though always respectable, and one of his family in the Custom
House itself; so, what with my modesty going against it, and what
with Wix, his name, always seeming to look upon your old man as
though he had known him previously in a different sphere, the Prophet
soon got tired of such Persian splendour, as the poet Ouins says.
And to make the matter worse, NICHOLAS saw him one night at
Cremorne, where I happened to be by accident, dressed in the Prophet's
own clothes, and when rebuked called me a graybearded sot, so I up
with my hands, despite my period, and we were parted by the police,
and gave him notice, and ever since has dressed himself, which is
much more decent after all.
Let us change the subject.
It is a dark, a cold, and a dreary morning. Who is yonder figure
striding along the heath, well wrapped up, and waking the circumam-
bient echoes with his bold cigar ?
Ha, ha, NICHOLAs recognizes the well-known form. Welcome, ye
COUNT DE LAGRANGE, proprietor of the sweetest animal the Prophet
ever backed. Look. Dark formses appear, slouching about: the touts
are discovered, and whipped of the ground. Auguste is tried; Augusto
is found wanting; oh, very well: never mind: we shall see.
NICHOLAS having acted as a tout, and watcher himself at a somewhat
inauspicuous period, will shortly give the readers of the Now Serious
some idea of what the life is really like, which you had much better

LIFE is a narrow and awkwardish street,
Numberless blocks its passages bar,
If you have any ambition to meet,
Something your prospects will certainly mar;
If to success you should be an aspirant,
Vainly your task you will strive to essay,
Should it but happen that-sad little tyrant-
CUPID'S small carriage is stopping the way.
If, par example, you wish to possess
Just a small niche in the temple of fame;
If you would have your posterity bless,
When it is mentioned, the sound of your name;
,Narrow you'll find is the pathway to glory,
Idle you'll find it your powers to display,
If, while you thirst for a name rich in story,"
CUPID's small carriage is blocking the way.
Triumphs of commerce perhaps you may court,
Seek to charm chance with omnipotent spell,
Fortune, the wanton, though fond of her sport,
Still can be terribly jealous as well.
She with all rivals will come in collision,
Claims to herself the best part of the play,
Straight she flies off with a laugh of derision,
Should CuriD'S carriage intrude in the way.
Yes, the conveyance is charmingly small,
Harmless enough it may seem to the sight,
Still 'tis the fatalost stoppage of all-
CUPID'S a sad little mischievous sprite.
Sadly he kicks against any resistance I
Signs of his presence regard with dismay,
Else bid adieu to the sweets of existence,
Once CuriD's carriage has got in the way!

We manage these things better-in England!
HunRRAII At last we can turn the tables. There is something we
do better here than they do in France! What is it P" Why write
plays of course The Censor refused to license M. VILLARs' 're&ieuses
du Jour, because he thought it too personal to society in representing
truthfully the slang and other charming features of French fashion-
able life. Ah! there's no fear of the LORD CHAMIERLAIN having to
refuse to license an English play for being too true to nature. That's
some comfort!

ggnsuOrs ia bormvTbntz.

take it for granted, Mr. Editor, rather than try it for yourself. A ROUGH DIAMiOND keeps a joke for many years, and is astonished to
He cuts the following from his esteemed contemporary, The Sporting find it has occurred to somebody else. Wit that has been kept so long is of
Life, than whom a more vivacious and well informed periodical for a high order, but of no use to us even to make game of.
the money, though a little gay : R. E. W.-Artistic excellence, like truth, lies in a well, from which you
KNURR AND SPELL.-CUTTS AND OXSPRING.-This match has resulted in each cannot always get it even by constantly drawing.
man drawing his own money." G. F. N., Islington.-Such parodies are par-odious.
Of course! Any one familiar with the game might have foreseen Cui BoNo.-Procurable at a shade below trade-price at any bookseller's
such a result from the beginning. The Prophet's own work on the where there's a counter and a discounter.
subject (illustrated by graphotype) is in active preparation. On the E. C. E., Bermondsey.-We cannot return MSS., or sketches, if our re-
night of its publication NICHOLAS will take a box at the Adelphi gulations are not complied with.A ,
er L lf 1 o( ic 01 b oh lphi MICHAEL ANGELO, Lambeth.--Any donkey can draw a cart, but it takes
Theatre, to see La Belle .Hdluee (which will shortly be produced), an artist to draw a cartoon.
P.S.-Subscribers, who sent you Oxford for the boat race ? Ax ADMIRERo is thanked for his suggestion. When he speaks of "our
He has a good thing for the Derby. usual racy way," of course he alludes to our sporting intelligence.
S. E., Hereford.-Your Cutting Intelligence wants point and hasn't
much edge. Declined with thanks, which you will probably consider
Rhyme and Reason. "cutting intelligence."
The author of an epigram in which occurs "In veritas vine" is informed
SAYS BOB LOWE to HORSMAN, that such bad language can't be admitted.
"We chose the wrong course, man." GYr.-Declined with thanks. We would point out that your allusion to
Says HOR.SMAN to LowE, a Gyp at Oxford is wrong. The term is scouted at that University.
"I'm blest if 'tain't so T. C., Liverpool.-As you ask for our opinion of your lines you shall
have it. They are so full of faults that they are less like verses than vice
Bad Luck and Ill Luck. verses.
Bad Luck and I Luck. E. D., Chorley.-No, thank you. We cannot undertake to return MSS.
The St. Pancras Board evidently wishes to treat those who expose unless a stamped and directed envelope or cover is sent with them.
its malpractices as the workhouse nurses served the poor baby. It HARRY HASTIE, Stratford-on-Avon. In spite of the place he dates from
wants to tie up their jaws. This is but short-sighted policy, for IHasta is "no great shakes spear.
instead of burying a scandal it only lays itself out for public repro- AG.P -FuN is not for an A. G., but for all time.
bation. Such perversity conduces directly to those exposures which back as dull s ever. ono on y cam
the guardians look upon as unfortunate accidents. Thatthe guardians Declined wilh thanks-A. E. J. W., Conway; E. L.; A. E., Penton-
look on the direct results of their acts as mischances, would seem to ville; S. W., West Cornwall; I. A. K. M., Polygon; L.; R. P., Bath;
be proved by the violent way in which those intelligent folks has of A. T. II., Euston-road; C. H., Bradford; I. D., Islington; It. E. I. D;
late been inveighing against their 'illocks. L. M.

60 F U N [APRIL 21, 1866.



,, '' I I

NEXT? [Ineffable disgust of charming creature.
Little S. (mistaking the meaning of the look) :-" OH, DON'T TIMINK I AIN'T


DEAR CLARA, 'tis very distressing,
The terrible trouble I'm in!
I must tell you-'tis far past all guessing-
Yet I scarcely know how to begin!
Ah, CLARAe! but do you remember
What you told me a few months ago,
When we flirted at Spa in September,
To have always two strings to my bow!

You knew CAPTAIN FULKE, of the Lancers,
And that exquisite ARTHUR PENRYCE,
They are both of them beautiful dancers,
And both are exceedingly nice !
If you ask me, my CLARA, the question,
Which I liked best, I really don't know;
But I thought to adopt your suggestion,
They would both serve as strings for my bow!

I resolved to take both on probation!
CAPTAIN FULKE was rich, entire nous,
Poor ARTHUR was all expectation,
And as yet he had hardly a sou.
Still on each, when they chanced to be present,
My smiles I ne'er failed to bestow-
It was so delightfully pleasant
To have two such strings for my bow!
So I waited, my CLARA, expecting
To see which his love would declare-
It was painful to think, by rejecting,
I must drive, at least, one to despair!
'Twas strange they both seemed undecided,
And, in fact it began to be slow-
Yet, CLARA, you know I provided,
As you told me, two strings to my bow!
But, CLARA, the wretches deceive me!
Last night they both bade me adieu!
I was fairly astonished, believe me,
And thought of your precepts and you!
Not a word did they mention of marriage,
To-morrow to India they go!
Ah! our darts are not safe from miscarriage
Though we do fit two strings to our bow!

THE present thirst for criminal and casual literature points distinctly
to one of the great wants of an age, whose glory it is that all old
,fashioned class distinctions are rapidly disappearing, and with them
many of the prejudices against those whose avocations differ more in
name than in fact from those of their neighbours.
To assist in this good work is the aim and object of The Crank,
which seeks, while interesting the enquiring mind and improving the
public morality, to form a common resting place for those fellow-
pilgrims in this world of trial who achieve the same ends by slightly
different means.
Relying upon the fact that it appeals to the sympathies and asks
the support of a class superior to the ordinary subscribers to the
penny press, The Crank will be published at Threepence. It will be
edited by a gentleman whose present place of abode is the best
guarantee of earnestness of purpose. For the present he is indebted
to the kindness of the Sheriffs of London and Middlesex for the facili-
ties afforded him, but in a few weeks he will be enabled to bestow his
personal superintendence upon the new journal.
1. The Great Prisons of England. A series of articles by the
Editor. No. I. Portland.
2. On the Understanding of Locks. By CASELEY, Esq., of Millbank.
3. How I like my Toke and Skilly. By a Confirmed Casual.
4. Impecuniosity and its remedies. By an Eminent Conveyancer.
5. Fac-similes. An Essay on Handwriting. By a Bank Clerk.
6. Felony in Fashion. By the author of "A Letter from
Australia," in a popular cereal. Etc., etc.

SHALL we ever teach the paragraph-mongers to write English? We
read in a Sussex paper the other day an account of a tea given by the
teachers of the Wesleyan Sunday School to the parents of their pupils.
The paragraph says:-
"After doing ample justice to the plum cake and a first-rate cup of tea, the
teachers addressed the meeting."
If we are to understand this literally, both parents and teachers were
to be pitied. The latter must have found oratory hard work after the
tea and cake, and the former can have found little enjoyment in watch-
ing the teachers "regaling" themselves.

Change of Name.
IN consequence of the successful cunning displayed by the Head
Centre in eluding the police, we believe that the title of a well-known
spot in Dublin is to be changed: instead of Stephen's Green" it is
henceforth to be known as Stephens anything but green."

LoRD HARTINGTON stated the other day in the House that he had no
knowledge of the inefficiency of the AniSTaONG gun. His lordship
may consider himself a great gun in his new position as Secretary
for War, but if he is not better posted up in his facts he will be set
down as a great ARMSTRONG gun "-and that will mean that the
public have some knowledge of his inefficiency.

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Ninth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d. ; post free, 5s.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, April 21, 186F.

APrIL 28, 1866.]


To describe Covent-Garden Market as .Rus in Urbe is to do it but
scant justice. It is the fruity essence of the globe. Every part of
earth is represented there. The golden orange recalls the dark-haired
beauties of Spain, not to mention the invariable cloak and the inevit-
able cigarette. The luscious banana, the blushing pomegranate, the
odorous pine, the monkey-visaged cocoa-nut, the ape-headed cashou,
the quaint lychee, all speak to us of foreign climes. And then the
flowers! To be led by the nose is no shame to the traveller in this
pleasant Arcadia. From the unpretentious violet at threepence a
bunch, to the ball-room bouquet at a guinea, what a rare gradation of
colour and fragrance! It is a most catholic spot, for while my lady
who drives up in her carriage can buy the rarest exotics for her con-
servatory, the poor needlewoman can purchase her modest clump of
primroses to bring a poor semblance of the country to her window-sill.
The duchess and the dairymaid rub shoulders in this place (where, as
was the case in another garden, rank is unrecognised) just as the
plebeian onion here divides the sway with the aristocratic peach.
To see The Garden at its best one must make a sacrifice. One must
go to a party and come here with the first dawn when the daisies and
the coffee-houses begin to open, and the larks and shop-shutters are
up. But the game is certainly worth the candle which you burn at
both ends by sitting up all night; for those who have not tasted a
strawberry under those circumstances do not know the flavour of
the fruit. Besides, it is something to see the huge piles of vegetables
which daily come hither to be cast into the herbivorous maw of the
great metropolis. It makes one think, to look at the enormous stacks,
that there cannot be a cabbage or a cauliflower left in England.
There is one caution, however, that must be given to the early visitor
-he must not get in the way at this hour, for The Garden is a busy
place, and if he makes himself an obstacle he will find that, with other
produce, flowers of speech are procurable in the market.
If the visitor be of a contented mind and likes a dinner of herbs, he
can spend his day pleasantly here. After the first rush of business is
over, and until the afternoon, the garden is comparatively deserted,
aud he may be its ADAM. He must not, however, carry the primeval
delusion too far, for he will be expected to pay for what he eats.
Under these circumstances he will be wise enough to abstain from



apricots at ten shillings a piece, or melons at' a pound an ounce.
Should he be of an inquiring and adventurous mind, and should he
visit the garden at the time of early peas, he may perchance discover
how green peas at a guinea a quart are made out of cabbage or lettuce-
stalks by a machine something like a bullet-mould. But then, on the
other hand, he may not, and his investigations may bring him under
the surveillance of the beadle.
In the afternoon wealth and beauty will begin to beam upon the
sojourner in Covent-garden. Elegant equipages will dash up to the
end of the arcade, and dainty toilets will bloom out in vain rivalry of
Nature's fashions. Young swells will irradiate the market and invest
in bouquets for their charmers, and rich old gentlemen will lay in
stores of delicacies-baskets of fruit wherein lies concealed the asp of
indigestion; for "gold in the morning becomes "lead at night," at
which hour fashionable desserts are laid.
Yes, Covent-Garden Market is a delightful place. Its nightingales
are the warblers of the opera-house hard-GYE-I mean hard-by-and
if you ask for solid realities try a baked potato at EvANs's. Mean-
while feast your eye and regale your nose. Observe the rich harmonies
of colour in fruit and flowers, the exquisite combinations of odours.
Feed-by Jove! what a picture. Look at that salad. The crisp
endive, the graceful aigrette of the spring-onion, the crimson disc of
the beet-root, the dark green of the water-cress, the fresh grace of
the mustard and cress, the golden-hearted lettuce!-was there over
such a picture! Where's TuRmER ?-I mean the painter-he's the
only man who could lay the palette. That reminds me-I have a
palate. I will buy that salad, and place the picture in my private
Let us browse!

Suicidal Policy.
THE French Ordnance Committee have come to the conclusion that
breech-loaders are a mistake for large calibres, and that for rifled guns
throwing heavy shot the Whitworth is the best. We may take it
for granted that the French Committee were not hampered'" by the
favouritism which rendered the English committee an absurb sham.
The policy of thrusting the Armstrong upon us with all its faults
was suicidal-the Commission did fix their "cannon againstt self-

6 82


[of a letter picked up on Brighton Beach}.]
WvELL, LIZZIE, I have nearly done
Discussing ultra" sn,'bs and high "ton,"
And still I've left out half the fun
Which dates from the review at Brighton.
I saw, of course, the Prince in red,
And BAvON TECK in sky-blue jacket,
And told you all that Rotai T said,-
But cousin BoB is such a racket.
At early dawn the bugle-call
Awoke the town to din and revel,
And volunteers, both shot and tall,
Were sized and mustered at The Level."
And then there oame the marching-by,
I thought that ATruIUR would not find me,
And when at last I caught his eye,
They played The girl I left behind me."
On Sunday morning I'm afraid
The congregation was but shady,
For those who talked of "church parade"'
Preferred parading with a lady.
Some smoked cigars or nasty pipes,
Some flirted with those old Three Deckers,"
And some, like Fashion, swore by stripes,
While others patronized the Chequers.
One sentence yet before I stop,
And then no more from yours at present,
I quite forgot the Easter hop,"
And somebody intensely pleasant.
Poor ATaruua had to leave for town,
And sent such friends, I wish you'd seen them-
There's not a shade to choose between them.


ITH some reluctance I have
felt it my duty, on more
than one occasion, to draw
attention to the growing
tyranny of the police. I
have pointed out what
must result from the on-
i responsible jurisdiction to
Sa body of underpaid and
-snot over-educated men.
The temptation to abuse
the power is too strong

dians of the peace have
become the terror even of
the peaceful. Quis ceustediet
ipso., ,wstodes? As a rule,
the sufferers submit to the
wrong in silence, know-
ing the magistrates, as a
sule, support the police,
while the constables in-
variably support each
other. A case, however,
was brought before Ma.
D'EvNcoUiT on the 14th,
which will, I hope, draw such attention to the evils of the system that
our Civil Janissaries will have their powers limiitd henceforth. A
Ma. Rocco ANGELINTTAappearsto have earned the hatred of the local
division by the part which he very laudably took at the time of the
Saffron Hill murder to defend PeLaZZIo,\ on whom the police (acting
on a usual rule of theirs, "if you can't find the culprit, elect one "),
were most unjustly anxious to fix the crime. The grudge has been
nursed for some time, but the other day-so alleges the complainant,
and his evidence is supported by impartial testimony-police-sergeant
BEARD and another officer took the opp tounity to clear off old scores.
a. AxNGELINETTA Was inoffensively smoking his pipe in the street


J" INT. [APRIL 28, 1866.

near his place of business, when the sergeant ordered him to move on,
pushed him, and trod on his feet. On his putting up his hand to keep
the sergeant off, the latter, gladly availing himself of a delicate point
of law dear to the police, exclaimed that he was "assaulted," and
made an attack upon the plaintiff so excessively violent that the most
determined resistance on ANGELIsNETTA'S part would scarcely have ex-
cused it. The outrage was repeated by the other constable, and
reiterated with ferocity after a complaint had been made at the station.
I trust the case will be properly and strictly investigated. Of the up-
shot-knowing how police cases are got up-I have my doubts, but I
hope the public will not allow the matter to be hushed-up or blurred
over. At all events, I shall keep my eye on it.
No one is, of course, surprised to learn that the St. Pancras Board
of Guardians, after investigating the case of alleged nug'ect of the
child CHATTEeTON in the nursery ward of the workhouse, have reported
in favour of their officials. If we could believe the Board, Mihs. SAN si1,
the superintendent of the nursery ward," must be a sorely libelled
person. Twice within the last few weeks have charges of gross neg-
lect keen brought against her-twice have the guardians exonerated
her. Whether the public will do the same is another question. Un-
fortanately, in the Tmnes, which reports the meeting of the Board, we
find the President of the Poor Law Board admitting that "the man-
agement of the sick poor is highly unsatisfactory," and endorsing the I
report of a deputation, a member of which, a workhouse doctor, de-
clared that the reports were greatly within the truth, for the public,
instead of being simply disgusted, would be horrified if the whole truth
were known." With this important testimony on the other side, I
doubt if the public will agree with the St. Pancras Board in declaring
that "handsome is as SANSUM does!"
THE Exhibition of National Portraits is opened. Like all South
Kensington jobs, it is painfully mismanaged. The collection is unne-
cessarily large, replicas having been freely admitted-it is utterly
valueless, as pictures of more than doubtful authenticity have been
taken in without question-it is absurdly arranged, the portraits of
each period having been hung higgledy-piggledy- and it is vilely
located, for the refreshment department of the old Exhibition is but ill-
suited for a picture gallery. The sacrifice of a national object to the
snobbish dread of offending swells who offer spurious pictures, is
thoroughly characteristic of the Boilers Administration. It offers a
splendid opening for the nouveaux riches, who have just laid in a stock
of ancestors from Wardour-street; nothing will be easier than to ob-
tain for such "portraits" the authority derivable from their admission
as genuine by the Council of Art and Education."
I SEE it is proposed to erect a Central Hall of Arts and Sciences,"
near the Horticultural Gardens. The scheme would deserve support
if one could be quite sure it would not degenerate into a mere job for
the glorification of DILKE, COLE and Co. I am inclined to suspect it,
because I know that party has, after a long fight, been beaten off the
throat of the Horticultural Gardens which it was strangling. Although
it still figures among the managers of the Horticultural Congress, it is
only admitted on sufferance, and is merely put forward to do the
Kootoo," which it loves, and the real men of science dislike. That
its connection with the Congress can do no harm to horticulture is
guaranteed by the appearance of DR. HooG's name as secretary.
CAILYLE'S speech at Edinburgh, which deserved better enshrining
than the newspaper report, has been republished by Ma. HOITEN in a
neat form, with a memoir and portrait. But why in that memoir is
the old London Maifazine called LEIGH HUNT and CHARLES LAMB'S" ?
The latter was a contributor, but only one of the many distinguished
writers on the staff, the former, I fancy, never did anything fur it.
COVENT GAIWmEN is in full swing, and prospering as it deserves to do,
for it does not produce opera on the cheap," as is done occa sonally.
I am glad to see that FEcIITER is going to revive Haolet at the
Lyceum, as well as The l ersican Brothers. At the Prince of Wales's-
(I am glad to sea Miss WILTON is restored to heal]th)-Socisty is to be
withdrawn for a time to give place to a new comedy.

I WOULD he were a bird,
And straight would fly to she ;
No more then would be heard
'That song that worries me-ce.
(N.B.-A conservative organ outside is still grinding the same tune

Foreign Substances.
WE see there is a new wine company, taking its name from HER
MAJIaSTY, which advertises "foreign port and sherry from 126. a
dozen." At that price we should say those wines must be peculiarly
foreigin-at all events to Spain!

ArpmL 28, 1866.] IF U N 63

THERE they all sat, in the smoking room at Snobleigh Grange, half
a duzen gigantic gentlemen, taking their lordly ease, "like the Gods
upon Olympus, careless of mankind."
Foul fall the faitour that shall scoff at these, my modern paladins
and gentle chevaliers, as knightly as ever twanged the wine-cup or
quaffed the foaming lyre. What though, for corslet and hauberk of
steel, luxurious dressing-gowns shielded their Titanic limbs? What
though, for gleaming brand and sparkling glaive, their nervous fingers
only held luxurious cigarettes ? I warrant ye the Knights of the
Table Round, soothly GAWAiNE, and even love-lorn [LANCELOT'S self,
never wore such beautiful dressing-gowns, which must have stood my
heroes pounds a yard, though unwarranted to wash.
Yonder sits Vamenua VANE, with the purple light of brandy in his
gleaming eyes-speechless, but heroical as ever. Hours ago his senses
reeled under him like a staggering steed; but he lifted his huge form
with the sublime resolution of a true English gentleman, and then,
tramping from the banquet, glaring at the men and treading upon the
dresses of the ladies. not one of whom dared lift her lily hand against
him, he repaired hither, and with still deeper libations, stupefied his
glorious intellect.
His history ? Ah, reader of. mine, there was a time when he was a
happy man, seldom getting drunk above once a week, until for his
sins he met LA FIAMMETTA, who lured him with the springs of her
yellow hair. She cast. him off, and from that day he went steadily
down hill. Only at times did that fiery spirit now- assert itself, which
ere.while made the beau. sabreur the terror of the East; but on one
memorable day, when hiabosom friend, young PRVERIL PFQUB, a slim,
weak, slender boy, advised.him not. to drain another bumper, VANE
slung forth his long right arm from the hip, and down went the gallant
but imprudent youngster, a hideous mass upon the Turkey carpet.
Ah, gentle VEREKER VANE, 'twas thus that, in the old days, thou didst
cleave to the chine the glittering Punjabee horseman who followed, in
a shrieking squadron, the banners of SINGH RI-ToORAL-LAL Poor
PEvERIL died at Nice; his mother went mad; but not for that recked
the paladin. By my halidome, he had the strength of ten!
Next him, in a still more expensive dressing-gown, sat "the
Cherub," BERTIE GRENVIL. Ah, Cherub of mine, dimmed is now thy
lustre, and paled the glory of that face whose fatal beauty had given
so much occupation to the late SIm CRESWELL CRESWELL and the proe-
sent SIR J. P. WILDE! But even yet there is no cooler hand at dcarti
-no firmer foot in stirrup; no steadier seat in lady's bower-drink
and dice have changed thee, but they could not destroy. Now and
then, whilst the stern VANE hurled cognac down his beautifully
moulded throat, BERTIE might be. observed to drink greedily, and with
a strange gurgling murmur of exultation, from a large case-bottle
which he habitually carried in his pocket, and which contained about
a quart and a half of the strongest and most expensive laudanum.
By my spurs, he had the strength of ten-and-a-quarter!
The other four were guardsmen, full of noble qualities and clad in
dressing-gowns even more expensive than those of GRENVIL and VANE.
The conversation flagged; and, to kill the time, they were just begin-
ning to play at pitch and toss for their ancestral estates, when TOM
SEYTOX came in, a merry squire, the guardian of young BRIAN MASKE-
LYNE, and the brother-in-law of young VINCENT FLEMYNG. He was a
pleasant and a cheerful M. F. H. was ToM, a gay and genial companion
when gentles met for revelry, but his dressing-gown was not half so
expensive as those of the other men. Nathless he was a grand de-
termined English gentleman; and when occasion required it, could set
his face like a flint.
This arrival roused the smokers, and the talk grew merry. The
Cherub," who had finished his laudanum, became eloquent and classi-
cal under the influence of the potent liquor.
Ah, TOM SEYTON of mine," quoth he, twitching his expensive dress-
ing-gown, arma virumnque cano, probabiliter nee sinit esse feros. What
says the gay, the riant, the light-hearted B6ranger ? Voulez-vsus
danger, Mademoiselle ?' By Jove, old man, I like poetry, and that-
awfully jolly, ain't it ?"
This deep voice was still booming through the room, like distant
artillery from a fair-foughten field, when, with wild oaths, two young
men, both attired in very expensive dressing-gowns and rather the
worse for liquor, bounded into the apartment. They were TOMI
SEYTON'S ward and his brother-in-law. Tox knew that some awful
calamity had happened, and he prepared accordingly to set his face
like a flint.
Hang it," cried BRIAN MASKELYxm with a hoarse scream of agony,
"I've gone and made a disgraceful marriage; my wife has bolted with

a betting-man, and my mother died three-and-twenty minutes ago, of
a broken heart. I trust I know how to bear misfortune like a MASKE-
LYNE ; but I do fooeel rather vexed!"
"And I," cried VINCENT FLEMYNO, with a "y" and a hollow
laugh, have just been detected in cheating at cards; 1 have been
cast off by FLORA DORRILLON ; and it is my firm determination to
poison myself with prussic acid !"
Now, gentle TOM SEYTON of mine, is the time to prove thy mottle!
He was equal to the occasion. Hoe sot his face like a flint.
As this scarcely appeared to have the desired effect, lie instantly
changed his tactics. LHe set his face unlike a flint, and led the
youngsters from the room. *
Ah, reader of mine, many a year has come and gone since thon, and
there are wrinkles on many a brow once smooth as the Parian marble,
and many a dressing-gown, once beautiful as the poet's dream, has
found its way to the bag of the old clothesman-that sordid descendant
BimAN MALSKELYNE sought consolation in the sports of th field.
'Tis but a month since he came a cropper with the Quorn. lHo is now
a drivelling idiot.
VINCENT FLEMYNG (with a "y") carried his threat into execution.
Tush! They say prussic acid gives but little pain.
VE.REXK VANE, heroical and stately to the last, died of ddlirium
treinens in a foreign hospital; but with a touch of the old knightly
spirit, just before he died, he slung out his long right arm from the
hip, and, dashed a Sister of Charity to the ground. Thus dies a
warrior. -
"The Cherub married the widow of a grocer. Inordinate indul-
gencein opium has made him rather poorly. Poor BERTIE, thy gallant
race is well-nigh run! ".Ecore uno A oils qui file, Qui file, ile, et dis-
FLORA. DonRILLOw has changed the colour of her hair; but other-
wise she is pretty comfortable.
TOM SZYTON'S face still retains its geological expression.
Let. us: all endeavour to be dissipated heavy dragoons.

ACT I.-Constantinople. Enter an ErIFEMINATE Oi'ric R.
E. O.-Bai Jove! [Erit EFFEMINATIL OFFrciia.
Enter CIEON.
CxEON.-I am the adorer of Theodora-Good, that!
Enter THODo01A and RABBLE.
THEO.-Save me!
CRIEON.-I will. (Saves her.)
ACT II.-Encampment of Boman Army at Carthage.
Enter CueON and his son PHILIP.
CREON.-Nineteen years have elapsed since the last ast.
PHILIP.-Since the last act ?
CrEON.-Yes. You were not born then.
PHILIP.-Not born then ?
CREON.-No. You are the son of Theodora and of me.
PHILiP.-Of Theodora and of me ?
CREoN.-Go to her. She is Empress now.
PHILIP.-Empress now ?
CREoN.-Go and demand my recall from banishment.
PHILIP.-Recall from banishment ? Yes. [Bxit to Constantinople.
MinIAM.-Ha! ha! ha! But no matter! [Exit MIIuAM.
ACT III.-Interior of Byzantine Palace.
Grand Ballet of women in blue masks and dominos.
Enter nPHILIP.
PHILIP.-You are my mother.
THEODORA.-Nay. (To Guards.) Pretend to behead him in yon
jam cupboard. LThey pretend to behead him. JBmt he don't care.
ACT IV.--The same.
THEODORA.-Ha.! A tumult.
Enter a TUMULT.
TuMULT.-Abdicate, or we revolt.
TuHoDoxA.-Never! [They revolt.
ACT V.-The caverns. Philip dying.
THEODORA.-Ha Can it really be my son ?
MIRIAM.-It can!


[APRIL 28, 1866.

ZLi7. V.



NIcHOLAS !!! !!
THE Prophet, whose candour is not inferior to his courage-indeed,
it has been often remarked individuously that they are much of a
muchness, meaning thereby to convey the idea that he possesses very
little of either-is not going to try to humbug an intelligent editor by
saying that he positively foretold Lord Lyon as the absolute winner of
the Two Thou. Quite the contrary. Despite the public form of that
good and gifted horse, NICHOLAs said, Don't you back him, sir!"
and accordingly a leaf from the Prophet's chaplet may be said at
present to resemble more closely a piece of rotten cabbage than any-
thing in the laurel line. Your old man, sir, has done enough-he has
sufficiently established his world-wide reputation amongst the athletic
men of merry, merry England-to enable him to confess a failure-
when he fails !
But, sir and subscribers, did he fail ? Was his failure complete in
its totality ? or, rather, was he not the happy instrument of sending
you and your readers, than whom I am sure, advice which was
literarily worth more than its weight in gold ? Let us see.
So long ago as April 7, at page 37, New Serious, Volume Three, the
Prophet put you all on your guard against one of the most notorious
impostors (subsequentially proved) in the race. (In the race, indeed!
He never was in it! Parenthesis. Now go on, MESSEs. JUDD and
GLASS, as if nothing had happened.) In the place referred to, you will
find these prophetic warnings:
It gives a thrill of honest joy, sir, to a bosom at my period, when I re-
flect that this seasonable caution may have saved many a young and
ardent spirit (by which nothing liquorish is meant,) from ruination.

Yet, was even this the only service rendered by one wkom nothing
but a feeling of proper pride compels me not to allow to be nameless ?
No. Why, sir, in the very latest number, NICHOLAS thus described a
private trial of the French horse-print straight on, same as this, the
extract being too long for capitals-at page 59, after describing, in a
few brief but graphic touches, the scene of the trial, and the appear-
ance of a mysterious figure, NICHOLAs says, "Welcome, ye COUNT DE
LAGRANGE, proprietor of the sweetest animal the Prophet ever backed "
(such meaning Gladiateur, whose name will ever be imperishably asso-
ciated with my own appellation). Look-Auguste is tried, Auguste
is found wanting."
Thus, sir, I wrote; for thus was the prophetic afflatus stirring me.
And what, sir, was the result ? I quote from the contemporaneous
chroniclers of sport: "The last of all was Auguste, who pulled up
very lame."
-On the whole, therefore, his tip was tolerably successful by way of
warning young men against vicious speculations, which are sure to
lead them to ruin in the long run; and although it is quite true that
I did not send you the absolute first, nevertheless remember always

Inspirited by this successful denumong, NICHOLAS will glance at
the Chester Cup, for which Delight, whom he never so much as
alluded to, was lately a hot favourite, and no doubt a fine animal. It
is impossible for him, writing under the disadvantage of doing so
very long before the race, in order that you may go to press, and
never yet have I been able to get you to see, my dear young friend,
the desirability of publishing an occasional Sportive Supplement-try
back-it is impossible for him to be certain, but will nevertheless say
a prophetic word for
P.S. There is a work of mine, with xylographic illustrations, coming
out afore long. NICHOLAS.

WHY is 2Te Times like "insertion" ? Because it's trimming.

F U N.-ArIm 28, 1866.

Justice (to the President):-" STAND FIRM! I AM WITH YOU!"

'APRIL 28, 1866.]


On the centre-divided hair,
And the boots that shine so bright,
And the linen prepared with care,
And the stole and the surpEce fair,
A popular priest was he,
And appi eciated quite,
And eternally asked to tea
By the whole of his curacce,
The bishop le said, said he,
There's no such shining light
In the whole of my holy see
(Excepting only me),
And the vicars they said, said they,
Our duty would be but slight
If we could get, some day,
For the moderate sum we pay,
But though he was stern all day,
Hle'd a singular habit at night-
Indeed, I may fairly say,
An exceedingly singular way
He'd strike a gigantic gong,
And then, the eccentric wight,
Would sing to a wandering throng;
And this was the singular song
Oh, fan an msthetical flame,
And sing to the moon so bright,
For piggy-wigs worry and maim,
And my highly respected name
And the wondering throng would 'say,
What a strange proceeding quite;
Will any one tell us, pray,
What means this singular way
But he said, "I find it pays
To sing it with all my might.
You needn't stand in amaze ;
It's only one of the ways
And he banged at the gong once more,
And he danced till the broad daylight,
Then his delicate locks he tore,
And he yelled with a yelping roar,
Did this singular RAWSTON WiaenT.
And though hlie's a serious gent,
And a popular curate quite,
No man can guess his intent,
Or tell us whatever is meant
'Says, "Fan an masthetical flame,
And sing to the moon at night,
For piggy-wigs worry and maim,
And my highly respected name

Bridgewater Bribery.
From the evidence given before the cmrimittee on the election, the
electoix s of Biidgewiat r would seem to take example from the Parrot
(on which the town stands) for they all sf them open a rather big
bill before they get to the "pretty Poll."

A Nautical Calling.
AN advertisement in the Morning Star last week stated that a "Fine
C organ was for sale. Are we wrong in supposing it was a boats-
wain's pipe ?

Herr and Vrow Van Winkle, in the persons of Mil. Jiu'iisoex and
MRs. BILLINGTON, are making a great success at Malnchester. Woe ire
glad to mention this lact, for it reflects credit on the taste of the play-
goers of Cottonopolis.
Folks who like good acting, not mere legs and laughter, dresses nnd
decorations, but real comedy-la hate icole-are here advised to go and
see Miss IlnEHiiHr play Beatrico at the St. James's. When they have
seen it once it will be needless to advise them to go again, and again,
and again after that, for they will do that without advice. We will not
waste adjectives over this charming porfiu'mance, but miniely u remark that
if Miss HERitimur had come front the other side of the Allitnlic, with
a cargo of posters the size of St. Paul's, or if she spoke with an accent,
Gascon, Alsatian, Moldo-Wallachian, or Japanese, people would have
raved about her! If our readers will turn to page i62 of the last
volume (the probability is that they will not-but they may if they
like), they will there see good things propheticised as NMinoiiA s
might say, of MMR. RoesoN. That young gentleman's Vergo's, though
somewhat exaggerated, is, after Miss llniiiiicr's lertrice, the last
played part in the comedy. Mi. FRANK MATTHEW's Dogherry is a
disappointment, and a great one, for his rendering of thu stolid vain-
glorious watchman is neither comic nor conscientious. IHow we wish
MR. WALTER LACY would learn to control his too redundant action
and play of feature! It seemed to subtract all the oarnestness f oni
Benedick. An actor should be no more conscious of his audience than
of the footlights or the bald-head of the violoncello-player. The
perpetual arching of eyebrows, shrugging of shoulders, rounding of
arms, and curving of wrists, gives a man less the air of a gallant
soldier, and a spirited gentleman, than of an adult cherub. More fire,
dear M1. LAcy, and loss grace, an' you love us.
It is now about thirteen hundred years ago since an extraordinary
young person, named THaonoieA, made a considerable sensation in the
fashionable circles of Constantinople. The period is a little remote,
which may, perhaps, in some measure, account for the want of
interest of Mit. WATTS PHInLLI S' new Surrey drama founded on the
subject of the life of lthe lady in question. Theodora--actress and
empress," was strong-minded to a fault, according to GixaioN and
WATTS PHILLIPS, and the moral to be deduced from her adventures,
according to the latter gentleman is-never full in love, never get
married, never have a son; if you have, don't order his decapitation-
it is wrong-above all, avoid being an empress. Theodora at tho
Surrey is a great sight. The scenery and costumes are magnificent,
and the character of Theodora affords Miss AVONIA JONE s some ex-
cellent opportunities for vigorous declamation, and Miss GEnosIANA
PAUNCEFORT a vehicle for displaying considerable melodramatic in-
tensity. Of all accepted young heroes, commend us to im. JAMES
FiRNANDEZ, for his thorough earnestness and spirit, lie is one of the
few actors who forgets himself for the sake of the character le is
representing. There is no "sham" about him. lleacts energetically,
with a meaning, and with a will. Why the music and choruses com-
posed expressly for a drama, the heroine of which is T'lu [nDOsA, who
flourished in the sixth century, should have the character of the old
English madrigal of the sixteenth ccutry, we cannot discover, but we
doubt not there is a good reason for it, if we know it-but then, you
see, even we do not know everything.
It need hardly be said that La l71 lc IUlMnrs is still in active prepara-
tion at the Adelphi, and that it will be speedily produced. In order
to bring out that opera with greater splendour, and indood to facilitate
its production, an operetta, &c., by Oi'FFENBACi, saw t1he b0tlights on
Monday, the 16th. "Crying Jenny and Laughing Johnny" is a
translation-(oh such a translation !)-of Janne qui p/cire it Jlean
qui rit," the name of the English author is unknown. Tho poet who
wrote the sublime line
It is eyder makes gay Johnny laugh,"
has chosen, from motives which may be casily imagined, to remain a
mysterious unknown like the author of WVavrley and the writer of The
letters of Junius. That renowned English baritone, MAi. J. L. T'oojL.,
appeared as Popinoff, a farmer. The famous soprano l Mus. MAl!x o.N
(late MIss WOOLGAIn), created "Jenny and Johnny," and the imiinent
tenor, Mr. W. H. EiukaN as Jollibois, smiled as he is wont to nmilo
in opera, tragedy, comedy, melodrama, and farce.
Literally, notwithstanding the wretchedness of the libretto, Of'ExN-
BACeI's Optra iBouaf was very well done. MoUsivEUi Riviuins i to be
congratulated on the achievements of his orchestra, which did not-as
orchestras in Iheaties usually do-try to drowni the voices of the singers.
Miss ,VOOLGAu Faxg aId acted vith her usual .xcellonce, as also did
MR, TOOLE. Mix. Eiiuixx played very agreeably, but we wish lie
would get rid of that eternal dental smile-which the m'n in their stalls
hate-and the young ladies don't like. One of the noticeable features
of the evening was the reappearance of Miss TERESA FUiTADO, who
as Jocrisse, the farmer's son, sang and danced, and looked so charm-
ingly. Both her songs and her dance received the compliment of an


[APRIL 28, 1866.

.Al' A1

Solvitur per-ambulando."
Humane Street Boy :-"Hi! I SAY! HuLLO LOOK 'ERE, MISSIS, YOU'vE

IN theory, of course, one dreads
Two strings to any bow,
And just for form we shake our heads
And call flirtation low.
But when young Cupid takes your heart
And stabs it through and through,
And then picks out each cruel dart,
What can a follow de ?
We'll put for argument a case,-
A youngster out of town,
A maiden with a winning face,
With eyes-well, soft and brown ;
The scene-a country house and park,
A lovely avenue,
A library, with corners dark,
And window-seats for two.
Or take again-oh! never mind,-
A private box we'll say,
One couple doomed to sit behind,
And one to watch the play.
If father turns away his face,
And mother don't look blue,
And daughter has a cosy place,
What can the other do ?
Again-the river,-skiffs afloat,
The springtime of the year,
Four sturdy arms to row the boat
Two tiny hands to steer.
Away the little shallop flies,-
You ask about the crew ?
Well, "bow," the faithful, shuts his eyes,
And, ah! the other two!

A Pretty Kettle of Fish!.
A ERIES of articles on The Governing Families of
Ireland" is appearing in The Spectator, one of the latest
being an account of the house of BOYLE. A gentleman
of the name of PoTT is anxious that it should be known
that he belongs to this distinguished family, an honour
which he claims on the ground of simmer-larity of

I OFTEN wishes myself back in the Commercial-road, that I do, when
I used to do for myself, with only Mais. CHALLIN a coming in for
half a day occasional.
I'm sure I was very happy, a-working away all day long, and some-
times a-singing, as would often make me laugh to myself as I ain't no
singer, and never were, except to get the children off; and them songs
would bring 'em back into my mind, and I'd often have a good cry,
'specially when I thought of my boy out in Canada. How I have
loved that dear fellow, and how I've laid awake night after night
when a infant, and worried about his teeth; and then when he'd
growed up and stopped out late o' nights through a liking his friends,
and goin' to the play, and only seventeen, as BRowN didn't hold with.
So we was obliged to let him in on the sly, and have often told a white
one for to save him from his father.
Ah, he was a nice looking boy, he was, and I shall never see him
again, nor give him a kiss and see his bright smile. It's very hard
for a mother to bear; I can't make out how it is as BnowN don't feel
as I do, though I must allow as I caught him more than once a-sob-
bing like a child, as he said was hiccups, but I know'd better.
Why can't boys keep steady, and be a comfort to their mothers,
and not go a- smoking and a-dressing beyond their means; though I
must say as I did feel proud of my boy when he was a-going out
Sunday afternoons, and would slip out so as his father shouldn't see him.
I do think the only serious words I ever had with BRown was over
that boy, as, though having his faults, and sometimes would answer me
disrespectful, as the saying' is, wouldn't never stoop to a falsehood.
I never will forgive that ANN TRAVERs for the way as she treated
him, as was two years older than him; and then to marry a journey-
man baker of a Easter Sunday, without a word to my poor boy, as
met 'em out a walking' that day week.
He never was the same boy agin; and when I heard him answer his
father that night, as made me interfere, for I said to him, "JoE, I've

been a good mother to you, and will be to my dyin' day, but if ever I
hear you dare for to break your Commandments like that I'm done
with you." I do think as he was sorry, but had a proud heart as
wouldn't give in, and then took a place where he lived out, and only
come home of a Sunday, a-bringin' his things to be washed in a little
black bag. I knowed it would never do, and it never didn't, for he
soon got into troubles, and 'listed in the end, as you've heerd me speak
on often and often; but I do assure you though the house where we
lives now is very nice-quite genteel like-I'd go back joyful to
Condick-street, and 'ave my JOE near me, specially now as he's married
and got three.
I do think if any one was to say the word, I'd be off to Canady this
very day, not as I'd leave BnowN, certainly not; but yet to see my
boy's children would be a heartful for me; not as I can complain of
BROwN, as has sent him out the money for to buy himself off; and
he's got a farm, but I can't get him out of my head night nor day.
Not as I should get on well with his wife perhaps, through being of
the Irish persuasion, not as that's anything' to me; and as to the Irish,
I've known 'em golden jewels for hearts, though hot-tempered.
I suppose I didn't bring him up as I did ought to, yet I don't know,
for I've heard a good deal about bringing' up a family; but there don't
seem to me no rule to go by, for what suits one temper don't another.
I'm sure there was Mn. EATWELL, as were a minister, his was a nice
family, as come to my door a-givin' me a lecture 'cos the children was
a-playin' harmless of a Sunday afternoon in the bit of front garden-
not a-makin' no noise to disturb the neighbours, as is a thing I don't
hold with, and wouldn't allow was it ever so.
Them EATWELLS had nine, and if ever you see such going's on, as
had false keys, and got out and in by the washus' winder, and brought
disgrace and misery on that good man; leastways, considered good,
and if chapel-goin' could do it, he was good, for I'm sure he preached
his inside out, as I could hear him a bawlin', through his chapel
winders bein' open, in my back garden of a summer evening' often.
I certainly was sorry for that poor woman when them two boys of


APRIL 2S, 1866.]


hers was took out of the house 'ancuffed that morning and I heard her
scream plain, and got seven years a-piece; and as to her daughters ;
ah, poor thing, she might well take to drinking and draw him to the
same, as was turned out of his chapel, and come to beggary.
I never shall forget to my dyin' day a going' into their place, a small
house with four rooms, as they'd moved into when troubles overtook
'em, and I only come to go through Mu s. DAVIS, as did used to sit
under him, and stuck to 'em like a true-hearted woman till took with
rheumatic fever herself, and says to me a-goin' to see her, "Do go and
see after them poor EATWELLS as must be starvin'."
So to pacify her I did go and hammered at the door ever so long,
till EATWELL come to answer it his-self. He was a man I never could
abear, but when I see him all unshaved, with bloodshot eyes, and a
old rag of a dressin'-gown that filthy as give you a turn, my heart
melted. So I told him as I'd come from Mrs. DAVIS, for to see after
his good lady. He didn't seem much to understand, but at last he
says, Step in," and so I did. He says, Up stairs," and up I goes.
Never shall I forget the sight as met my eyes. A old tent bedstead
and a chair without a bottom was all there was in the room. I don't
believe as there was anything' over the bed but some old rags of clothes,
and the bed itself was only a tickin' stuffed with shavin's, and there
was that poor creature a-layin' in her clothes, such as they was, with
her 'air all matted, and a skeleton for thinness. I says, 'Aven't you
had no advice for her F" He only shakes his bead. I says, What-
ever does she take ?" He says, "Nothin'." I says, It's murder to
let her go on like this." He didn't make no reply, but the poor woman
gave a groan like, and moved her poor blue parched-up lips, as though
she wanted diink. I says, "Where can I get a drop of water for
her ?" He says, "No water," and goes to a cupboard and fetches
out a physick bottle as had a little sperrits in it, as he poured into a
teacup. I says, Never will I stand by and see you do such a thing,"
but she opened her eyes and seemed to gloat at the sight of the cup.
He says, It's the only thing she's touched for three weeks."
Just then there come a double knock at the door. I thought as it
were pr'aps the doctor, so hurries down to open it, and there stood a
fine lady all dressed out, as said, "MRS. EATWELL at home, my good
woman ? I says, "Pray who may you be ?" "Oh," she says, "it's
all right, I'm her daughter," and flaunts by me into the passage.
I says, You her daughter! Then," I says, I hope you're come
to nurse her, for she's dreadful bad." She says, "I've no time to
stop, but I've brought her some money." So I says, I think you'd
like to give it yourself, as I'm a stranger." So she says, Well, I can't
stop a minit," and up she trips. I follared her pretty close. She
says, Which room ?" I says, "Straight forward," and pretendin'
for to try to open 'the door for her, got her in sudden with a bit of a
push. I couldn't see her face, but I heard her exclaim solemn, for
'there was her mother a-layin' dead, with her head out of bed, and
her father a-settin' on the side, foolish in drink. She says, "Why did
you bring me to sich a sight ? I says, "I bring you to it, you base
hussy, as has left your parents to perish, a-rollin' in your willany."
She began for to scream as I put the poor creature back in the bed.
That roused the poor man up, as said, Lizzin, is that you ? Your
mother wants you. She's very ill. Why didn't you come before ? "
So she says to him, "It's no fault of mine." I looked at her for to
see if there was any feeling' in her heart, but, bless you, not a bit, nor
a tear in her eye, though she did pretend to keep a-wipin' it with a
lace-edged 'ankercher, but that ginger like, for fear as she should take
off the paint.
Jest then a old woman, as was a downright bunch of rags and filth,
put her 'ead in at the door, and I see as she'd sperrits in a bottle.
Well, she begun a-mayin' a deal about how them poor couple 'ad been
a-goin' on a-drinkin' hard night and day.
I says, "You're a neat article, you are, to let a woman die like this
and never say a word." So she says it wasn't no business of hers, as
only come in once a day to do for them. I says, "You have been and
done for 'em; but," I says, "now you run for a doctor." So the
daughter says, "Rubbish! a doctor can't do no good." I says, You
say a word, and see if I don't 'ave the police in," as soon brought her
to reason, and she says, "Pray have everything' done proper, and I'll
pay you handsome, for I really can't stay and can do no good." I
says, Stay or go as you please; but," I says, "don't look to me for
to do anything for I won't, as I wouldn't mix myself up with none of
your disgrace."
I shouldn't have stayed so long, only the poor old man was like in
a fit, and I'd undone his collar and put my pocket-ankercher wet to
his head. Well, my lady she was a-goin' to flaunt off when up come
the doctor, as says, "This is disgraceful; there must be an inquest.
I never saw such neglect in my life." Nor more didn't I," says I.
Well, she says she wasn't goin' to stop there to be talked to like
that, and she says to the old woman, "You knows my address," and
off she bounces.
We had her to the inquest though, as she come to in deep mournin',
though, as I said, she might as well 'ave left off the paint, and of
course the werdict was natural causes, though I don't think as livin'

on nothing' but gin for nearly three weeks is altogether natural, ns 1
told the jury. The poor man was took to the infirnalry, and only
lingered a fortnight, and never seemed to know notlhin' nor noboedv.
So I says to BRowN over our ten, If that's the end of a secious
family, I think as there must be something' wrong about lbeir serioxus-
ness," as made him forget hisself and say it. was nil frade, as ] didn't
hold with, for I says, There's many as is good Christians; anid lie
says, No doubt; but they makes no row over it, nor crams it down
your throat for everlasting." And I says, That's right that is."

I wisn somehow-but still I don't,
For if I had-aye, there's the rnub!
I'm quite resolved-and yet 1 won't,
For after all she's but a scrub.
I sometimes think, but, by the byo,
That rosy bloom may turn out paint
Fond mother's talk is all my eye,
And if she were-but then she ain't.
You told me once, but what of that ?
And if I did-of course I shan't,
They cannot force me, that is flat,
Suppose I could ? you know I can't.
And as to them, well, never mind,
For if she were, they'd quickly see,
That's very well-but love is blind,
And as you say I'm very free.

TneRE is a charming candour in beginning the following advertise-
ment with the word "humbug." The case is a watch-caseo as trans-
parent as any of WALKER's crystal ones.
" UMBUG," I hear you sey.-You are wrong positively, and per return of pnst
for 14 stamps youcan obtain the NEWLY-INVENTEID AMERICIAN Pl'in'OET
TIMEPIECE, warranted to denote correct time, with gold accssworics, &c., in
elegant gilt case. Address, &c., &e.
*,*-7S0 were sold under the hour January l5th, 1866.
A timepiece which denotes the correct time with golden nacesso-
ries" must be of Yankee origin, and probably a near zelativo of "the
clocks that wouldn't figure "-although they do figure, by the way, in
the Ben Gualtier Ballads. But the crowning touch of delicate satire is
in the final note. Seven hundred and thirty were sold under the hour
(it doesn't mean behind the time, we suppose). Seven hundred and
thirty what ? Purchasers or timepieces ?

R. B. D. sends us four lines about the weather, only two of which profess
to rhyme, and they end lamely with "work very" and Mercury. lie
knows apparently loss about metre than baro-metro, and moro about hard
frosts than easy rhymes.
A. B. C., King's County.-That "Rinderpest Galop" joko which you
think you have made you have only caught. It was one of the earliest
symptoms of the spread of the disease to the human subject.
W. J.-The lines you send us about "An Act of Pi(e)racy" have more
of the pie than the "racy about them.
J. F.-Thanks ; but we cannot descend to the regions where the Family
Herald and the black beetles divide the sway.
A. B., Hampstead-road, sends us a "little contribution," and will send
"more if it be approved of. We hope the more will be merrier than the
present sample, which is not even merry-torious.
CHARLEY SWrET.-CHARL. 's wheat needs cutting it's so sicklo-y.
C. E. G.-The idea is good, but "you fail in your execution," as the
reprieved man said to CALCtAPT.
W. C.-Double you see unquestionably, or you wouldn't see a double
meaning in the singular stuff you send.
A. C. It., Tewkesbury, sends some pars for admission into our "columns
if sufficiently drilled." Drills should have a point, which these lack.
X. P. X. surely never "xpx" us to put in what he sads.
T. N., Ashby-de-la-Zouch.-Your elaborate sketch of a sea-voygoe goes
teoo mush into detail. It does suit our taste though RETSCHn's outlines
appear to please German notions.
"A WELL-WISiRa," whoso initial is "A" (and w. all know what that
stands for), gives us his opinion on a matter of art, whi'h le ilfarly knows
nothing about, and so we can't make any useof him.., Ilad it been a question
of thistles now!
Declined with thanks-II. XW., Wolverbhmpton; Jenmes Adolfiu ; J. R.;
'W. B., Montrose; F. M., Edward-street; Fergal; E. D., Cheshire;
E. M. F., Bury St. Edmunds; H.R. G., Northlinipon; D. II. W., Pitney;
D. R. L., Plymouth; Tom Stickers ; Country Cousin ; W. J. l"., Cork;
J. W.; H. R., Kew; Rita; J. W. H., Oxford; W. H. 0. P.; R. W.


[APRIL 28, 1866.



II 1 1


SING a song of sixty-six,
A pocket-borough's cry,
One and sixty voters
Take a tone so high!
From their borough hoping
LoWE his way would wing-
Wasn't that a pretty wish ?
But LOWE said "no such thing!"
The king who rules at Printing-House
Knew they'd cost him money,
The Marquis thought them rather
Doing what was funny.
So LOWE, quite disregarding,
Continued to oppose,
And down into the blaclbooks
Of Calne of course he goes!

LoiD ELCHO has been getting into scrapes lately. He got into a
mess (not a regimental one) about the Reform Bill, and now he has
been making statements aboit' the system of musketry at IIvthe, and
the General in command there has rather "made HAY" of his lord-
ship's assertions.
His lordship went through a short volunteer course of fourteen days, including
Sunday, at Hythe, quite en amateur, during which time he learnt little more, I
should say, than that he was a very indifferent rifle shot. IHe left Hythe as little
able to impart instruction in musketry as I am to teach Hebrew."
If his lordship does not take care he will get a character for making
ELcao-herent remarks!

Tix LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.--=" Well, I'm blowed!"

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doc
at 80, Fleet-street, E

LL hail, my BEST and BELLINGHAM, Olympic brother-bards!
I am sorry that the critics have been down upon ye lately.
Permit me to present ye both my very best regards,
And to tell ye that I count myself indebted to ye greatly.
I will enter to your credit all the talent ye may claim;
For the sake, my BEST and BELLLNGHAM, of Little What's-her-name.

I have yielded, I confess it, quite a dozen times before
To the fatal fascinations of the darlings of the Drama.
I have idolized my WILTON, I have loved my NELLY MOORE ;
And I see a host of others in a sort of panorama,
Reaching downwards to Miss THINGAMY-an evanescent flame,
Whom I sacrificed a month ago for Little What's-her-name.

The man who takes the money for my shillingsworth of pit
Has an aggravating habit of alluding to the weather;
And I never fail to notice, from the corner where I sit ;
That the feminine attendants take to whispering together.
The people in the orchestra do very much the same;
For they know that I'm the worshipper of Little What'

I met her, quite promiscuous, a week or two ago;
To see her was to recognise-young Love's a pretty tutor-
She was affably conversing with a man I didn't know;
But I fancied, in my jealousy, 'twas probably her suitor.
It might have been a relative; but wasn't it a shame
That I couldn't breathe my sentiments to Little What's-her-name ?

I should like to make a tender of my heart and of my hand,
(For it strikes me that at present I have nothing else to proffer) ;
But since I've neither intellect nor money at command,
She would probably insult me by declining such an offer.
It's not so much the intellect-if Fortune, fickle dame,
Would grant me only opulence, and Little What's-her-Name.

Will she read this emanation of a long-endured despair
With a particle of pity or an atom of emotion ?
Will she linger foi a moment o'er the verses that declare
All the fondness and the fulness of a Nobody's devotion ?
I should seek no other honour-I should ask no higher fame
Than a corner in the memory of Little What's-her-name.

Between You and Me and the Post.

A MEETING of the Post-office Civil Servants was held the other day
to protest against the official orders which deprive them of their right to
exercise the franchise. Some very plain-spoken remarks on the subject
were made and the authorities were severely censured. So far so well!
Whatever our opinion may be of the justice of their claim, we have at
all events nothing to say against-indeed much to say for-their right
to speak out like Englishmen. But we should like to know why the
authorities wink at this "insubordinate" conduct, when they a short
time since summarily dismissed a letter-carrier for expressing his dis-
content at that very inadequate system of remuneration, which fills
our jails with over-tempted and under-paid post-office servants. If
gentlemen may express themselves warmly because they may not vote
at elections-and pass uncensured by the Department-a little consi-
deration should have been shown to the poor fellows whose grievance
is that they want bread for their families.

FUN has not had the fortune to see his provincial younger brother
Hlarlequin, but he understands that in a recent number of that
periodical the great leader of the House of Commons was represented,
in a picture entitled The Modern Medusa," armed with the Reform
Bill crushing prostrate Toryism. This is a rather sanguine, not to say
gushing, view of the Ministerial measure, but FUN accepts it as the
healthy re-action from an extreme attack of the opposite opinion under
which Alma Mater has long laboured, but which her younger sons
apparently do not inherit.

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Ninth Half-yearly Volume of FUNr, beitg
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s.

'tors' Cemmons, and' Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
.C.-April '28, 1.666.

MAY 5,1866.]




AY comes after April weather,
Flower' succeed the showers that bring 'em;
And I'm thinking altogether
Of dispensing with nmy gingham.
Yet I won't though, after all-
In a spring thorue' oft a fall!

Nature painting valo and down is
All afresh, tlihat worst were duller,
But she gets her paints froiii ROWNEY's-
Oft indulges in moist-colour,
And with skill artistic plies
Ample washes for her skies.

Buds begin to swell and soften,
Hedges shoot in spring-tiniou quickly:
Bet rhouumatic joints swell often,
And nouralgic shoots come thickly,
lWhen o'er verdant hill anild plain,
Fickle Spring asserts her reign.
Though in May no r" existoth,
There'll some (m)oister days be in it,
And from oysters he who listeth
Gets a w(h)et in half a minute,
So, until I find the sky,
Like my argument, grows dry,
We'll not part, my Ganip and I!

SUBSCRIBERns all, and ye, MR. EDITOR, the old man gives you joy!
Once more has the sagacity of NICHOLAS been vindicated by the event;
once more, if you have all been faithful to his tips, and put the pot on
heavy, ye must have cleared enormous sums.
Whilst other vaticinators went wool-gathering after Delight and
Baragah, both of which broke down disastrous, what did NICHOLAS
send you ? It is true that he did not name Dalby as the positive first,
but he gave you two to select from, and what was
Very good, he can say no fairer than such; but permit him to put
another question. What was
Facts like these, Mn. EDITOR, speak trumpet-tongued; or, if such an
illustration may be allowed, like a whole brass band, in favour of your
Sportive Editor, clearly proving his sapiency and worth.
More remains to mention. I cannot suppose that such an intelligent
body of subscribers as the athletic men of merry, merry England are
not up to the advantages of hedging. Very well, then. By sending
you Sandal, I gave you opportunities of absolutely coining money, 40
to 1 being the odds when NICHOLAs wrote, and 14 to 1 at the start; so
that any one following the Prophet's advice in the sense which it was
meant will have reason to bless the name of the old man, even unto
his dying hour.
Subscribers, I feel that I am again in my old form, and trust you
will remit the Prophet liberal out of winnings.
There was a time when he was temporary under a cloud, like many
other eminent characters have been so, such as NAPOLEON at Caprera,
and GARIBALDI at St. Helena; but what, after all, is life, sir, except a
succession of see-saws, by which I do not mean maritime proverbs, but
upses and downses ?
Wealth may vanish, and the occupant of abodes truly palatial may
be driven to a parlour at MRns. CaiPS's in Bermondsey; station may
be mutable; but I will freely tell you, MR. EDITOR, what it is which
is superior to the vacillations of Fortune and Change. It is GENIUS,
Mr. Editor; it is that sacred spark which you will find freely scattered
up and down my writings, and which have made me a Household
Word. With Genius, and really good information from the chief

training quarters, which it is always the Prophet's object to procure-
with such qualities, sir, an honest man may say with the poet,
And mistress of herself though China fall I"
But will now pass on to fresh fields and pastors now.

Success, my friends, is tolerably sure to excite jealousy, envy, and
imitation, by which I refer especially to a writer in the Jvening Star,
your contempory.
And first of all NICHOLAS would warn all such persons that any
attempt to evade detection and punishment will be vain; for even if
they should escape the range of his own lynx-like orbs, hoe keeping is
sight wonderfully well for his period, thanks be, even then his faithful
followers, whose name is several legions, would keep him well-infonnrmed,
as they never fail to do so when anything individuous or contumelious
is wrote regarding him.
Now, Mr. Editor, I have nothing to say against the Star, except
than whom, perhaps, I disagree with it more than any other paper
that ever drew the breath of type, and have no patience with such
demagogues as would set class against class, my own principles being
conservative. But, sir, it is quite as much your affair as mine; for if
the style of NicHOLAS is to be parodied by yorr contempory, either
acknowledgment should be made, or his salary should be rose.
The following communication, whilst it may corrupt good manners,
speaks for itself:
"Extract from 'Readings by Starlight,' Evening Star, 18th April,
1866, paragraph two-let NICHOLAS look to his honours after this:
In' I myself discovered Spindon one summer iay, not long since, when 1, being
very hliot, and dusty, and thirsty, and tired, came by a sudiidilen turn oif the road right
out upon Spindon Green, and in front of the sign-board of the Apple Tree. (Yre
glorious wooden banners of old England, I salute ye affectionately! May thy
shadows never be less '!The trees that front the A pple Tree ar tall and sliady, anit
the bench under them is grateful to the tired tramp, and so, indeed, is the brown
mug of ale the landlady brings out to hini. "
Now, sir, if by "the tired tramp" the writer means NICHOLAS, it is
a piece of Radical impertinence; and the allusion to my "brown
mug" is only worthy of a coarse Cockney, the Prophet being quite as
attentive to personal cleanliness as any of the contributors to your
contempory. NICHOLAs.
P. S.-There has been some slight delay in getting ready the
chromo-lithographic illustrations for my "History of Knurr and
Spell," which will shortly be produced.
P. S. (2)-Sherry wine.

SPRING WATzn.-April showers.

TOL. In. it



[MAY 5, 1866.


SAM afraid there
SA is little chance of
the discovery of
the perpetrator of
the hoax upon
the TiAmes. Whe-
ther he were an
( ingenious Ra BERT
11ACAIRR Speeu-
lating in the
Funds, or merely
a Government
Clerk with more
capacity for mis-
I chief than wo k

l'i r ly official charac-
t d t ad (n d thoutlsroug
...s_ i to ter of the forged
document seems
to point to some
one acquainted
with the convolu-
tions of red-tape),
the fraud is one
that should be
punished severely. Of course, the temptation to play these tricks is
the assumed infallibility of the press, and especially of an organ like
the Times; but no sane person would consider the character of any
journal damaged because it did not know the handwriting of every
clerk in the Foreign Office. The only class ofhoaxes upon journalists
for which I can admit any excuse is "the hoax classical," by which a
public-spirited contemporary has suffered more than once. It is no
crime for an editor not to be a classical scholar, but he should not affect
to be, and insert Latin "and other" quotations without ascertaining
their authenticity. Talking of hoaxes, reminds me that some little
while since, in an article, importantly headed "communicated," the
'Tiser allowed itself to be made the vehicle of a mild "shave," to the
effect that FuN was edited in a Government Department in Pall Mall.
I AM sorry, in the interests of the party which is known as the
English gentleman party, to read in a contemporary that a con-
spiracy has been entered into by some of the young bloods" to try
and make GLADSTONE 0lose his temper by a systematic course of inter-
ruption and noise. I should be inclined to disbelieve this as an inven-
tion of the enemy had there not been something of the kind attempted
with LAYAnR. But I trust some of the elder members will use their
influence to save the party from such a dishonour. If debates are to
be decided by the vehemence of cock-crowing, braying, and other
"voices of the agricultural interest," we shall have the Whigs and
Tories pulling caps for the adhesion of Mar. AAccA or securing thee
ventriloquial services of COLONEL STODARE ; and really, however clever
those gentlemen are in their respective lines, they are not exactly
legislators. But I beg their pardons-I do them wrong, they would
be superior in that capacity to the young men who are reported to
have joined in a clamour-plot. I don't include MR. FERRAND among
the number, though he did bluster about petitions. lie is not likely to
move GLADSTONE to anything but laughter. I should think the Con-
servatives must be devoutly hoping that he will be unseated for
Devonport, for he has undone much which their best speakers have
laboured to achieve on the Reform question.
Tui "New Water Colour Society," or as it has been renamed of
late years, "The Institute of Painters in Water Colour," opened last
week. The exhibition is a very fair one indeed, but the society wants
a little more strength in the figure department. CoanoULn, WV NERnT,
AiSOLON, and TIDEY (though it is hardly fair to CoEnoULn to lump
him with the others), might be spared. BouvIern is pretty, but L.
FAnMEr have to support the credit of the gallery almost unaided. In
landscape the exhibition is very strong-there are WVARREN'S wood-
lands, with sunlight stealing through the boughs; HAYEs's translucent
tumbling seas; MIOGFORnD'S stretches of warm sea-coast; and PenDxo.N's
truthful snatches of nature; and there are IIeNE's landscapes, which
are all of them gems. I have never seen anything to surpass his
"Brighton Beach in a gale." I must not forget W\iEn E and VACHER,
with their Eastern views; or omit mention of LEITCH, MCKEWAN,
PenLP, Psoeor, SHAIuDEts, and PrENLEY. I see, by the way, that in
noticing the Institute the Times critic has again taken an opportunity
to puff the Dudley, in which, as I mentioned the other day, he has
more than the impartial interest of an art-lover.

I HAVE been travelling by rail a good deal of late, and the other day
discovered the use of the Smoker's Text-Book, a miniature volume con-
taining all that the best writers have said in favour of the weed,
printed with silver type, and published by HOTTEN. I had long been
puzzled to find out the object of it-it would be small consolation on
searching your pockets to find that you had left your cigar-case at
home, but had not forgotten the book! However, travelling by rail
the other day, I desired to smoke-but my only fellow-tiaveller ob-
jected. Thereupon I drew forth the book and began to read it aloud
to hin. Before I had reached the ninety-third page he was a convert,
and implored me, with tears in his eyes, to place a cigar between my
lips. As a rule, I don't believe in sudden conversions, but this was
evidently a genuine case.
I HAVE just been looking at a fae-simile of the Prince Imperial's
drawing. It looks to me as if His I. H. had merely filled up an out-
line supplied by somebody else. At the same time, I am bound to say
I have seen much better drawings by children of his age. What a pity
it is that "a certain personage," who is blest with a great proportion
of good sense, allows all this nonsense to be written about the child.
But I suppose that this sort of thing is necessary for the happiness of
that volatile nation which is
Pleased with a feather, tickled with a straw."
THOSE who'enjoy a Scottish entertainment-thoroughly Scotch from
beginning to end, like a concert of bagpipes-will be glad to hear that
Mu. KENNEDY is in town again. Even those who were not born north
of Tweed can appreciate the charm of Scotch melody. I dropt in at
the Oxford the other evening to see "The Enchanted Bash," about
which we have heard so much talk and litigation. MR. MAHSIaALL is
an artist, in the true sense of the word, but I could wish a little more
taste here and there. The music is still as well done here as ever;
and the place is conducted in an orderly and respectable way, that
might be imitated by another establishment of which report says that
all is not conducted on "the square ;" and I am sorry to hear it, in
the interests of the music-hall cause which I support.

I DREAMT a dream the other night,
When Slumber's poppy-chains had bound me,
Bright memories, and hopes as bright,
Came crowding in a flock around me.
I bade adieu to real cares;
I gave the slip to solid sorrows;
And, buried in that night's affairs,
I never dreamt about the morrow's.
My feeble Fancy, as it seems,
Is nothing to be very vain of;
Yet now and then it brings me dreams
That I should like to dream again of.
I reckon, for its own sweet sake,
This dream of dreams among the number,
And think it was a shame to wake
So suddenly from such a slumber.
I fear my efforts to portray
The leading features of my vision,
Like those of BOTTOM in the play,
Would lay me open to derision.
It strikes me though, as rather odd,
Throughout my speculative scheming-
That (thanks to MoaPHEUS, drowsy god)
I never dreamt that I was dreaming.

in short, all the lasus nature hitherto known are about to be cast in the
shade-the green shade we may say-by a novelty, which no doubt
but for the envy of a rival, who has evidently smuggled it away,
would have been shortly exhibited by its happy owner. What the
novelty is will be gleaned frnm the following advertisement:-
TIHE CABMAN who Took a Lady, with a Large Green Chest, from B-- Place,
B-- Road, on Saturday evening, about live o'clock, and drove round M--
Iload, up V- Grove, to N-- Hill, will be HANDSOMELY REWARDED if he
can give any INFORMATION that will lead to the DISCOVERY of the LA-DY.-
Address, Alpha, etc.
No doubt the public bosom swells with anxiety to see such a remark-
able freak of nature as a lady with a large green chest!

"MOST MUSIC-HALL, MOST MELANCHOLY."-Modern comic songs !


MAY 5, 1866.


Essays on Art. By FRANcrs TURNERx PAuLGnA late Fellow of
Exeter College, Oxford. London and Cambridge: Macmillan
and Co.
It is astonishing how some people will insist on being literary! The
usual way of beginning the game is by editing a collection." These
literary jobbers cover their mental nakedness with warm and well-
lined cloaks of patchwork stript from the mantles of others. They
take our best writers, steal (thanks to the copyright law) a bit here,
borrow a scrap there, or beg permission of a writer or his representa-
tives to have the profitable use of his brains for a period. Lacking
ability of their own as vouchers of admission to the Feast of Reason,
they are content to don white Berlins and stand at the foot of the
stairs to bellow "Mn. and Mus. SHELLEY!" "MR. SHAKExSPARE'S
carriage stops the way!" or, Lonn BYRtux coming down!" It is a
pitiful ambition, but not an unprofitable.
MR. PA.LGAvA made his debut in The Golden Treasury. which, we
allow, is one of the beat selections ever published (for, after all, the
notes are in very small type, and nobody reads them), but in which
he had the audacity to alter SHnLLEY and mutilate HooD. The success
of this he appears to have attributed to his own merits, not those of
his authors, for soon after he eame before the public with the official
Guidebook to the International in 1862. There is no necessity to do
more than briefly remind our readers that the authorities were soon
so ashamed of it that they dropped it; that it was found that the
sculptor lauded therein, to the depreciation of every one else, resided
under the same roof with his critic; and that Mn. ADAMs,the sculptor,
in a correspondence in the Athenceum, proved pretty conclusively that
the writer of the Guidebook had criticised therein works of his which
he had not seen!
But this notoriety was a stroke of luck for the Guidebook writer.
The Saturday, with that extraordinary perversity it sometimes dis-
plays, selected him as its art-critic. Unscrupulous hitting is a
recommendation to The Reviler, which has, however, of late-it is not
difficult to see why-been considered of less authority on art than in
times bygone. It is from The Saturday and elsewhere that the essays
under notice are reprinted, but they have been "minutely revised, and
in some cases almost re-written." Why ? To soften down asperitiesc
of censure, a bias towards which is one of the besetting temptations of
anonymous literature."
After reading that, few people will, we fancy, care to go further.
If the asperity of censure was deserved in the first instance, it is
neither more nor less than cowardice to alter it, now that its authorship
is acknowledged. If it was undeserved, what confidence can be
placed in a critic who can stab in the dark and yet shrink from
crossing swords in open daylight ?
Frantic abuse of all sculptors save the fortunate gentleman who
models under the benign influence of this great critic, and who though
decidedly above mediocrity is not the only clever sculptor we have,
characterises these essays in everything that relates to the plastic art.
On painting they enlarge with a fair amount of technical slang, but
when the theory comes into practice they prove worth little. In some
instances praise is so obviously ill-bestowed that we can't help
thinking the painters must, at all events, live in the same street with
MaR. PALGRAvE. We argue, from the fact that he is not exclusively
devoted to one painter only, that Painting does not reside under the
same roof with her sisters, Sculpture and Criticism.
Of course as an art-critic our author has got a style Ia RusKINx.
But it is more inelegantand less pregnant of meaning than Ruskineso.
Much may, however, be due to the carelessness which allows two
landscapes to be attributed to Mu. J. P. KNIGHT, the portrait painter.
We cordially recommend these pages to our readers. Let them
peruse them carefully, and they will learn how the columns of an in-
fluential high-class paper like the Saturday .E view may, by a little
ingenuity, be used for the puffing of a friend at every turn, dpiopes
des botte', and the stabbing of reputations by asperitiess of censure,
a bias towards which" may be looked for ix those who do not write
with stern conscientiousness and earnest purity of purpose-in short,
those who are morally unfitted to wield an anonymous pen.

Safe Hands!
STEP'ENS, the Head-Centre-or off-his-Head Centre-has declared,
with a thoroughly Hibernian bull, that he has "left the Government
of Ireland in safe hands." The statement is true whether he refers to
the rule of the island, or those members of his republic who were to
form his ministry. The latter are in the hands of English jailors, the
former is administered by the British Parliament. This compliment
to the authorities is a peculiarly graceful act on the part of STEPHENS.

Ir a man snores loudly, can he be said to be sound asleep ?

EACH gallant knight in days gone by,
So ever say the stories olden,
Loved one fair maid-of lineage high,
And hair that was extremely golden.
He wore her favour on his crest,
She on her heart his colours carried,
And when he was with victory blest,
Why then, as usual, they were married.
And yet this happy end of life,
All men acknowledge so delighting,
Was not attained without much strife
In tourney; and no end of fighting.
Might made the Right in those old-days,
A man was valued for his muscles,
And maidens gave their smiles and praise
To those who won in hard-fought tussles.
But things are changed completely now,
Our knights are far above such doings,
A facile tongue, a charming bow,
Are heralds of successful wooings.
The man who dances with most race,
To GoDFRET'S waltzes, "Guards" or" Mabol,"
Will carry off the fairest face,
And dine at many a lordly table.
The art of saying nought at all,
In phrases that are neatly moulded,
At concert, opera, and ball,
Wins moro than ill the men of old did.
It seems a paltry creed to preach.
But vices that would shame a NEao,
If spoken of with gentle speech,
Will almost make a man a hero.
Our KaNOSTrY tells us,-fierce is hn,-
Of old Teutonio Father-Ages,"
And loves the heroes that we see,
Go thundering through historic pages,
And still this unbelieving Year
Of Grace, smiles at his protestations,
And if those swells lived now I fear,
They'd be consigned to convict-stations.
The greatest knights of ages past,
Would fitly grace a modern prison,
They were too rampant far to last,
And a now epoch has arisen.
We dance, we flirt, we bet, we smoke,-
Get on, as some one says, like lava,--
The rhyme seems almost like a joke,
We charged the Russ at Balaclava!

A rAssAG in the Parliamentary Gossip of a contemporary is a curious
commentary on the present position of the Reform question :-
BT.F.S your life! it's nothing like the old Rlefom Bill time." So Raid an old
reporter. How?" fiaidl his interlocutor. Why," replie, the laudalor teemporis
aecti, "we had to fight our way to our places."
Had the old reporter reflected a little he would have rnmemborod a
time when he could have reached the gallery to take notes of the old
Reform Bill debates as easily as he can tdo now. It was not until
there was war between the public outside and the ]Iouso that thero
were battles to get into it. Let us hope that our present legislators
will not push the question id l'outrance. The opponents of the hill are
welcome to call it a fragmentary measure if they will only allow it to
pass in the peace.

The Watch-Cry.
Tre cry of TY7e Protestant Watchman and Lurgan Gazelle, a publica-
tion combining Orange intolerance with intolerable dulness, appears to)
be "past one o'clock and a hazy meaning I" What are we to make of
the following ?
WANTED, a MAN to take charge of my BROWN OFFICE. To a cn)ptent
person a liberal salary will be given, etc.
Is "office" a misprint for "horse," or does the advertisor mean a
brown study ? Our own Patlander suggests that the Brown Office is
an office for brown linen, but if so, an ironmaster might ar well call
his office a pig-styo.


[MAY 5, 1866.

Perturbed Passer-by:-" LADY IN THE LOCK! DEAR MET! How DID IT HAPPEN ?"
Lock-keeper :-" WY, YE SEE, SIR, IF LADIES will GET 'TOXICATED-(a pause after this unanswerable argument). DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND

Mn. FECHTER has appeared again as Hamlet, to the high pleasure of
those few intelligent people who consider that refinement of manner
should not be entirely avoided in the personation of a SHAKESPERIAN
hero. The fogies will be improved by the contemplation of a per-
formance that is effective and noiseless, and which has been brought
out by the actor himself. They will miss some gasping and much
stamping; nor will they hear that conventional, guttural tone which,
on the stage, is supposed to indicate affection, affliction, filial love,
honour, reverence, the fear of kings, the awe of supreme heaven itself,
philoprogenitiveness, courage, devotion, and classical scholarship.
Let us here, however, assert our nationality. We will back, and the
stakes shall not be trusted to our own Sportive Prophet NIcHOLAS-
than whom a more amusing old vagabond, though a little given to
deferring the production of his famous work on Knurr and Spell"
(can NICHOLAS Knurr ? we are certain that he cannot Spell)-we will
back one British tragedian to make more noise, open his mouth wider,
and slide further in the pathetic passages, where sliding is required,
than any three Frenchmen living or dead, and we will throw in
BARON TALMA, and BEAUVALLET in Hamlet or any other character,
SHAKESPERIAN or not, as the case may be.
STODARE is still the colonel of conjurers. He is now exhibiting a
new illusion, which is called in the programme the Miracle of Mecca,
or the Marvel of Mesopotamia, or the Monagram of Manchester-super-
Mare, or something of that sort. He leads a lady to a sofa, on which
she reclines. The gallant colonel-who is always doing something
disagreeable to a lady, for the sake of pleasing that cruel creature, the
British public-then takes the sofa from under the lady, and leaves her
reclining on the air There she lies tranquil and easy, with nothing
near her but space, like a mythological personage painted on a ceiling.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Mandragonment of Mithridates.

THEE dost not well, oh! sun, to raise thy rays,
The sober day to flout with beams like thine,
Thee put'st to flight morm's quiet duns and greys,
And so thee mak'st a shine!
Thee com'st so dizened out in red and gold,
With garish streamers and a feverish flush;
Thee seem'st so like a man of battle bold,
The modest streamlets blush!
Thee dost with glory all the heavens so fill
When like a fiery conqueror thee comes
As with a crowd of flags and roar of drums!
Thee should'st be still,
Come sit thee down upon that distant hill
And twiddle thy two thumbs!

Not doing it by halves.
THE French have started a new sporting organ, which probably
because they are only half given up to "hossiness," or perhaps
because "Le Sport" is as yet somewhat infested by the demni-monde,
they have entitled Le Centaure. Photolithographic illustrations, many
of them coloured, render it, with the aid of capital letter-press, a
journal, which (in spite of its semi-human semi-brutal godfather,
Chiron), it is only faint praise to describe as "not half bad."

SADDLE-Y DEFICIENT.-MR. HORSMAN when he loses his seat for
Stroud at the next election.


F U N.-1) -2 Y 5, 1866.

Ii /

I ii '



_7 ,


MAY 5, 1866.F U .

EDITOR,-It has pleased me much to find that those bursts of en-
thusiastic loyalty which prompt their utterer to take a devoted interest
in a pair of princely boots, er a royal washing bill, and which I had
supposed to be almost peculiar to my beloved country, are not without
their parallels on the other side of the Channel. One, M ONSIEUR ADRMEN
MARX, a writer on the .Evdenment, has visited the apartments of the
Prince Imperial, and he li has given the particulars of that visit to the
world in the columns of his periodical.
Ml. MAux is evidently a gentleman of an observing disposition. He
improves every opportunity, and loses no chance'of familiarizing him-
self with a matter upon which he is evidently not particularly well
informed-the inner life of infant royalty. Being left to himself for a
few moments in the Prince's study, le employs them in taking stock
of its contents; and his first impression is one of disappointment. The
worthy soul had formed splendid preconceptions, and he found every-
thing commonplace:
What most struck me was a small bookcase containing the works used for the
Prince's studies. I expected to find dictionaries splendidly bound and grammars
with gilt edges. Great was my surprise to find on the shelves-close to a pair of
globes-a collection of classical works dog's-eared and worn."
This grievous disappointment suggests a profane reflection. He
struggles to keep it down, but in vain. He dares to think of his own
common school-days! And this, in the study of a Prince!
Despite myself," (he says,) I thought of the old books tied up with a leather
strap and swung over the shoulderby the scholars asthey left the colleges!"
The hideous insolence of this reflection is almost too much for him.
He blushes at his own audacity, and mourns over the imperfection of
a nature which can permit such profanity amid the surroundings of a
Prince's school days. Then he feels better and goes on:
Before leaving this part of the room I noticed two chairs in front of the table.
The low one was for the tutor, and the other for his Highness. The seat of the
master was intact while that of the pupil was slightly deteriorated. The straw
bottom was ragged at the edges, and the front rungs were worn by the feet."
The condescension of his Imperial Highness in deigning to place his
body upon a straw-bottomed chair is only equalled by the presumption
of the chair in permitting itself to enter a silent protest (in the shape
of deterioration) against the restlessness of its princely occupant. This
state of things suggests the following profound reflection:
The calmness of the instructor and the petulance of the.pupil are equally true in
all stages of the social scale I"
Probably the tutor (being more than nine years old) finds it easier to
rest his feet on the ground than on the rungs of his chair, and sees no
occasion to slide off the edge of the seat when he wishes to move. But
then this is just one of those commonplace considerations which would
be as much out of place in a Prince's study as eels on a grand walk;
and having offended once, Ml. MARx keeps a guard upon his unruly
little brain.
Here is the Prince's writing table :
The writing-table, low and full of drawers, was of mahogany, its top covered
with skin and furnished with a common porcelain inkstand, with pens and rulers of
a very democratic appearance."
But then there may have been a reason for this. It may be that his
papa wished to show him how completely a democratic ruler is in the
hands of others. Perhaps an aristocratic ruler wouldn't have stood it.
M. 1MONNIEt, the Imperial tutor, appears to be one of those pleasant
companionable fellows who model their conversation with their pupils
during off-hours on the style of the tutor in Eyes and no Eyes, and the
late Mn. BAtLOW in Sand)'ord and Merton :
"M. Monnier more particularly instructs his august pupil during the walks
which they take together. The studies at home at the desk are but a small portion
of the sum total of the instruction which he imparts, and the most profitable
lessons cre those given during those quasi-peripatetic (?) lectures. In a wood, for in-
stance, he would explain how it is that the lunmgs feel more at case in the middle of a
full supply of oxygen, and point out different plants, giving them their Greek or Latin
names. If the Prince raised his eyes towards nightfall, the conversation might turn
on the stars, so of natural history, geology, chemistry, and mathematics."
No wonder the poor little chap, in endeavouring to avert his gaze from
anything that may provoke didactic remarks from M. MONNIER, turns
his eyes from that world which his annoying preceptor renders so ex-
ceedingly miserable to him ; and it is hard that when he gazes into the
atmosphere under the impression that in doing so he does not suggest
a topic which his tutor can improve upon, that ingenious tormentor
finds in it (somehow) an excuse for a lecture on geology !
MI. MAnx goes on to tell us that the favourite topics of this unfor-
tunate child are history and. the phenomena of natural science, and the
predominant traits of his mind are investigation and observation; and
he gives us a taste of the manner in which he is in the habit of com-
menting on the fables of mythology. His tutor is supposed to have
told him the story of Cadmus, and from it the Prince draws the
following moral-certainly an ingenious one for a baby of nine :

Cadmus,' said the Prince, is civilization. The dragon is barbarism prevent-
ing approach to the fountain, which is light. The triumph of Cadmus is that of
civilization, and the springing up of soldiers who massacre each other is civil war,
or the agitation of the factions who can never be extirpated from a stato.' "
This dreadful child exhibits (we are told), a pronounced taste for
the arts, he draws and paints without masters, models in clay without
having taken any lessons, and" (oh, bathos!) repeats with a finger on
the piano airs which his ear retains !" M. MAsx goes on to say that he
" took the liberty to felicitate his Highness on his taste for the fine
arts, and was delighted to find that lih had no penchant for tiewspapow
writing "-which is singular in a child of nine! If I did not com-
pletely sympathize with M. MARX's intelligent and gentlemanly devo-
tion to the surroundings of Imperial babyhood, I should venture to
express a hope that the Prince had no penchant for newspaper reading
As to the features of the Prince, photography has spread everywhere his aftbli
traits ; but it cannot render his fine clear luok, his interesting i hysiognomy, and
the exquisite distinction of his whole appearance. In two or three years the rinceo
will be the living portrait of his mother, whose profile he already possesses. This
anticipation certainly has nothing alarming."
I am not, myself, so much surprised at the affability of the traits of a
little child, as M. MARX appears to be. M y experience of children of
nine is that they are usually a great deal more aflfablo than I could
wish them to be. Haughty reserve in a baby would be (to my think-
ing) as agreeable as it is uncommon. But, altogether, it is a charming
article. SNAuLE1.

So long ago P Well time is fleet-
How soon the year from gloom recovers!
Another merry Spring we greet,
And hail the holiday of lovers.
And here's the cheery sun again,-
So pack my traps, most faithful lacquoy,
And find a .Bradshaw and a train,
And buy a pipe and lots of baccyy.
A year ago this very May,
'Twas just the same delicious weather,
It really hardly seems a day
Since down these lanes we rode together;
I'd loft the law and longed for love,
I think you doubted my intention,
The apple-blossoms waved above,
And what I said I need not mention.
You looked me through with those grave eyes,
And knew some answer I expected;
You could not bear to hear my sighs,
But still you trembled and reflected;
You said that I was far too good,
You could but love me as a brother."
And when we passed by Burnham Wood
I think we understood each other.
You did not want to tie me down,
And sigh'd, I wish you'd never met me,
I know when you get back to town
You'll very, very soon forget me!"
And then I vow'd, and feigned remorse,
With,-ahb the old enchantment lingers!
ut when I jump'd you from your horse,
I kiss'd your tiny, jcwell'd fingers.
And now some moral you must give,
You'll say, if sweets like these allure us,-
My motto is, Live while you live,"
I follow dear old Epicunus.
And if examples you would see,
And feel inclined to have an outing,
Come down, post-haste, to Abbots Leigh,
And hear us in the meadow shouting.

In the Blues.
We believe that considerable consternation and distress were caused
in the fashionable circles (of certain areas) by the intelligence that
SIR RICHARD MA-NE had ordered the police to lenin the cut-lass

Britannia Metal.
A CORRESPONDENT suggests that the present rage for an iron-clad
navy is but another form of the testimonial mania. The Admiralty
desires to present Britannia with a service of plate."

78 FUN. [MAY 5, 1866.

Row ON ? "

So I hear it is really surprising
That I do not my passion declare!
Are you, too, I wonder, surmising
Why I still remain silent, ma ch&re ?
I will tell you the whole truth sincerely,
Only pray do not call me unkind-
Indeed, I could love you most dearly,
But Love is not utterly blind!
You have numberless graces of feature,
You would make me a bonny young bride,
But remember, my elegant creature,
There is something to think of beside!
For beauty-we each of us know it!-
Quite turns up her nose at the boast,
That when unadorned-stupid poet!-
Adorned she is really the most!
Romance may be charmingly pleasant,
Still Love's unsubstantially light,
There's a future as well as a present,
Which may not be equally bright!
If we were but a trifle short-sighted,
Our mistake we might troublesome find;
Indeed, I should be most delighted,
But Love can't afford to be blind!
Just give but a moment's reflection,
And at once you will certainly see,
If we were to indulge this affection,
How exceedingly foolish wouldd be!
Just think for a moment: no carriage,
No money for milliner's bills!
Love's endurance I would not disparage,
But there might be a clashing of wills!
Domesticity's very delightful,
But its dark side I still can discern;
The sweetest may sometimes be spiteful,
And sugar to vinegar turn!
And now that I've dared to unfold you
So frankly the whole of my mind,
Don't you think I was right when I told you
It would ne'er do for Love to be blind ?

I'M sure what the world is a-comin' to I can't think, for when I was
a young woman in service I used to think it a great treat for to get a
holiday once in two months, or even three, when I got my wages, to
go shopping a-layin' of them out to advantage, but none of them
tuppenny-ha'penny rubbish of bargains for me, as never looks well
and crinkles and spots with the least drop of rain, 'cos I'm sure I
never shall forget that carmelite dress of mine, as was all cockled up
through only a shower.
But law bless you now the gals must hive their wages once a month,
as is right enough, and off to spend them just as if the money was
a-burnin' a hole in their pockets, as the saying' is. I'm sure when that
gal of mine come last Tuesday and asked me who was a-comin' to take
care of the house I stared agin.
"Take care of the house, says I, "what for ?" "'Cos," says she,
"I herd you say as you was a-goin' out to-morrow, and I thought as
you wouldn't like to have it left."
Left," says I, Why ever should it be left ? Wherever are you
a-goin' to?" "Oh, it's my day out," says she.
I says, "I suppose as the next day'll do as well for you." No,"
says she, I'm a-goin' to be bridesmaid to a young lady as is going' to
be married."
I says, SARAH JANE, don't talk that rubbish about bridesmaid to a
young lady, as you means no doubt some one on your own spear of
life as you didn't ought to be ashamed on ; but," I says, "of course if
it's a weddin' as you're a-goin' to you must go," as is the same thing as
a berryin' and can't be put off.
I was put out I must say, for BnowN he was a-goin' to be late that
night, and I'd promised for to go up as far as Wardour-street, for to
drink tea with MRS. CHARLTON, as is niece to MisS. CHADWICK, and
settled comfortable in the second-hand furniture line, as is a good
match for her through bein' left a orphan and brought up at one of

them working' schools, as is no doubt good places, though I can't say as
her work as she put into BROWN'S shirts was any great things.
I can't a-bear to be worse than my word with any body, and 'avin'
promised Mis. CHAULTON, felt as go I must, so I gets MaRS. PORTLOCK
for to come in and look arter the house, as is a steady woman though
deaf as a beadle, as the sayin' is, though I'm sure the beadle wasn't
deaf where I did used to go to church when a gal, for he'd hear a
smile among them charity boys as sharp as a lynx, though in general
he brought his cane down on the wrong head, and would even make
the minister look up through the crash; not as I holds with hitting'
boys over the head with three-quarters of a hour sermon as is beyond
their comprehensions.
I says to that gal of mine, "You be in at eleven at the uttermost,
and let MRS. PORTLOCK go home, and you needn't set up if I'm not in
by then," for BaowN he'd promised he'd try and come for me through
a-goin' to a dinner at Paddington, as had the key.
I must say as I shouldn't care for to live among them second-hand
things as lumbers up the place, and I should say harboured the dust
let alone other things, but MRS. CHARLTON she seemed happy enough,
and I must say I never see a more bountiful tea laid out, not as it's a
meal as ever I takes much with through not a-seemin' natural.
CHARLTON, he's a good-natured man though a widderer, with a
grown-up daughter as is a fright and looked scornful on her father's
wife, but had a party there as she was precious sweet on, though he
didn't seem to see it.
Well, we was all very pleasant over tea, and MR. CHARLTON says to
me, "MiRS. BRowN, mum, was ever you at The Oxford ?" I says,
" Bless you no, though I know'd a young gentleman as were brought
up there, and a nicer young man I never knew, though he did break
his mother's heart through a-runnin' in debt, and then emigratin'."
So CHARLTON, he says, a-laughing as is his way, I don't mean the
College, I means the Concert Hall, as is splendid and the music down-
right lovely, as you can sit and listen to a-takin' on your refreshments."


MAY 5, 1866. FU N. 79

"Well," I says, I did go to one of them places once, where I was can take my davy as I never did; but IT see as he'd turned the corner the
that treated as I never shall forget, and as to the company the least least bit, as the sayin' is, so wouldn't have no words; but hle made short
said is the soonest mended as the saying' is." So CHAsLTWo he said work of it, for he took and broke a panic of glass in the kitcheu-winder,
as we'd better go, and MRas. CHARLTON were agreeable, and so was his and got in and opened the door ; and if there wasn't that owdacious
daughter and the young man as she was a-tryin' to hook, for I can't gal in her bed a-pretendin' as she'd booeen fast asleep and never heard
use no other word, nothing as was only her spite through me a-makin' her come home by
We took it very leisure to The Oxford, as is only in Oxford-street, as eleven, as I give her warning' on the spot.
you might natural expect to find it. CHARLTON, he paid, and we all What aggravated me most was BuowaN when I told him in the
went in as is a beautiful entrance and a noble room certainly as might morning' about old Gm.:REENILL. giving' me a dickin', if lie didn't laugh
do for a church, as CIuARLTON said he remembered it well a old inn like mad and say, Serve you right for not a-takin' the key," and
yard; so I says "What changes there is in this world to be sure as said as it wouldn't be fair to send the gal away, as had only obeyed
them as is gone wouldn't know the place if they was to come back." orders, and was no doubt a 'eavy sleeper, as pr'aps, after all, is righl,
I must say as I wasn't sorry for to hear OHAnLTON orderin' of re- but I'll take very good care to give old GaEEMNILL a bit of mly mind,
freshments, for though I don't take much I like a something' after and when next I goes out I'll take the key.
walking and was glad as we got nice seats up near where the singers
was at a nice little table as just held us through me being' a little deaf
They do sing wonderful to be. sure, and I nearly died a-laughin' A NOTTY QUESTION.
about a party as was shet out of his own 'ome by his good lady in the DxAx Fuo.-Look here! What do you think, dpropos of the
pourin' rain through not a-comin' in till two in the morning as is P'c-U-
disgraceful 'ours for any one let alone a married man to keep, as was Niosity of Nottingham,"
the ruin of young GREEN, with a mother and five sisters on his 'ands, of the following suggestion for a parody P The air, of course, is
as might have done well in the painting' and grainin' line, only took Kafoozle-um, and the lines might be sung by the unseated member:
to sing songs and low company, as brought him to the hulks afore he
know'd where he was. In Nottingham, as I've been told,
I never see anything' more lovely than the way as the ladies was Electors have been bought and sold
dressed, as come on first one by one, and then all in a 'eap, and sung Within the memory of the old-
wonderful, sometimes one and then another, as others seemed for to est citizen, Methusalan.
be interruptin', and then they all hollar together and the fiddles So, if you don't a hearing give,
a-playin', and I don't know what they wouldn't have done, for they I'lI clear the platform as I live,
was a-gettin' very wild, only there was a party as stood in front as And (leaving out the expletive)
looked like a schoolmaster to me, and kep' a-shakin' a little stick at You'll sec how I can use a lamb.
'em as kep' 'em in order, not as I should like for to be treated that (Chorus of lambs.)
way myself, as would aggravate my temper. You can use a lamb, can use a lamb, &c.,
I don't think as ever I did enjoy myself more, but was a-thinkin' as So ought to make your way there!
time was a-gettin' on, and must be in by eleven in case Baow th
shouldn't turn up, but they all said as he'd be sure to come, so we I need only hint that the refrain may be varied by supposing the
stopped for to see them 'Ungry dancers, Committee to inquire, Who's a lamb'?" or by making the electors
Well, afore they begin the musicianers come down by the side "abuse a lamb," or the special constables contusee a lamb." There I
where we was a-settin' and began for to tuno up. There was a party Take it with my blessing. Yours,
close to me as blowed a big brass thing, as CHARLTON called a trom- JoHN PARRY-DY.
bone, I don't think as ever I did hear such a thing to roar. Why
bulls is bleatin' lambs to it.
I says to myself, "I can't a-bear this through my deaf ear," but bYf a Qflron lobeUI I .
didn't like for to make no complaints through there being' a crowd all
round me a-lookin' at the dancers, as was no doubt wonderful, and I R. B., Ayr.-Nothing on earth could induce us to use that old joke about
expected for to see their legs fly off their bodies every instant, but that ead-scenters, and we don't think anything in Ayr will
trombone kep' a-blazin' away into my ear till I was very nigh mad, and st -Yu s us a jok a ghost, w can't see a
a drum was a-bangin' away like wild. At last I ups and I says, I can't P. D. J., Liverpool, asks, When is a man like a racer ? When he
stand this no longer. Now, young man, you be quiet with that roarin' jumps to the conclusion that a joke about taking a-fenco" is new and
beast of yourn" but if he didn't blow loader than ever right in my original.
face, till I ketches up my umbreller and shoves it slap into the horn; A TonAcco-STOPPERI complains that his friends don't laugh at his jokes,
if you'd heerd the yell as there was. CHARLTON ketches hold on me of which he sends samples. We trust lie will look upon us as a friend.
and says, "Are you mad?" and forced me down, and there was a E. W.-Your lines about a shrew won't do. What shall we do with
regular tumult, and up comes a party and says I was a-disturbin' the them ? Send them as a dead letter to tho postmasler of Shrewsbury.
peace. Well," I says, I may be, but you can't say as I begun it, FOXn or' FiuN.-The hero of your poem, who is described as "looking
for I'm sure that 'orn 'as nearly blowed my 'ead off." for his boots," wias on the same sort of erralnd as you on this occasion.
Parties holuars, Turn her out," and Miss CHAd LTON says as I was A CORRESPONDENT, who signs hiniself "yours faithfully," with no sig-
Pa rtisraesfl "d t urinh.erllut," gr t and s C T a disgraceful old thing. Well, that did aggravate me, and I says, I tios Judgingfr the way in which he signs himself we suppose he is
won't 'ave no words; but," I says, "if you please, I'd rather go, Nobody, in which case he is right.
through not bein' used for to be spoke to like that." E. C., Timperley.-Why are your lines like the soldier tired ?" Because
I was rather short with the CHARLTONs, as kep' gigglin', and no they halt at every opportunity.
sooner gets into the street than I gets into a 'bus, as took me to the 1'. W. E., Sheerness.-Wo can't insert a second answer to a riddle even
Regency Circus, where I just caught the Clapham. I hadn't no from Sheerness-cessity.
idea how late it was till I heard it strike eleven by the Horseguards, Momus REDIVITUs has apparently been so recently restored to life he
and was all of a fidget through 'avin' said as I'd be 'ome by then, as has not yet got his wits about him.
must have been full half-past when I got to our door. MEDIUM.-Your wicker'd attempt at a joke has very properly been con-
'Ammer, 'ammer, knock, knock, that I did; but, law bless you, signed to another basket-the waste-paper basket.
might as well ave knocked at the parish church. I says, "Whatever J. T.-" Reform" should begin at homs, like charity. Your verses on
might as well 'ave knocked at the parish church. I says, Whatever Reform want reforming altogether.
can be the matter ? that girl can't sleep like that," and just then if C., Everton.-The number of letters you address to us will, we are
that old brute GEitENHILL, as lives next door, didn't open his window sure, largely swell Mis. GLAUSTOr 's surplus, but they'll be the death
and throw a jug of cold water slap over me, and pretended next of us!
morning as he thought it was boys a-larkin'. J. IH., II.M.S. ."-Thanks for your good-tempered note, but we
I was drippin' wet, and in the shock I hollers Murder! Fire! and can see that Her Majesty's Ship is not, in your case, Authorship.
up comes the police, and if he didn't take and spring his rattle, and J. D., Isle of Wight.-We can see no point in the verses1 except a purely
all the police in the neighbourhood come a-runnin', and it's a mercy mathematical point, i.e., that which hath no magnitude.'
as they didn't bring the engines. The author of Spirit-rapping" is informed that the MS. wants spirit
Well, the police wasn't over civil, and one on 'em said he'd bust in land isn't worth a rap.
the door. "No," I says, "you won't. I don't hold with bustin' it 5.J. E. C., Edinburgh, says "he has enclosed some ideas." IIe has no
in just as it's bt en fresh painted too." So they wals off in a huff. i more right to do so than LORD BOWLOW had to enclose Berkhampstead
i a o i they are quite common-places.
I shivered as I stood through the ducking' as I'd had, and kep'a-tryin' Declined with thnks-W L. LM., Atherstone; L. B. H.; J. P., Prim-
to warm myself a-walkin' up and down, and 'card it strike one when rose-hill; A. A. L. M.; J. D., Swansea; E. H. L.; W. MeG., Esq.,"
who should come up but BRowN, as hadn't got the key, and if he didn't Hyde-park; D. G., Dalkeitb; J. G. H. L.; J. M., Dublin; H. B., Antrimn;
say as I'dsaid as I'd bringitandwait for him at MRs. CHAsLTON's, as I Coelebs; J. L. P.; G. L., Stoke-on-Trent.


[MAY 5, 1866.

Miss Tilly (to Captain Marmoset, who has just apologised for "depriving her of the lead") :-" DON'T MENTION IT, I BEO! I HAVB Q ITE

(FROM BRooKS's.)
Amn,-Blow, blow, thou winter wind.
BoB LOWE, this Easter wind
Is hardly so unkind
As thy late attitude.
In sooth, what does it mean ?
For, Bon, thou art not green,
Although thou canst be rude.
Why please the bitter fry
Of Tories with a shy
At principles forgot ?
Though thou at Labour carp,
With sting so rashly sharp,
Are votes remembered not ?
Why, LowE, not try, LowE, a prosequi nolle
Though friendship be feigning, is party mere folly ?
Come down to tke front again, BOB, and be jolly.

A Treasonable Game.
AN officer of high standing in the army is about to be tried by Court
Martial in the garrison of Dublin for having, while playing a game of
pool, called out in a loud voice, Up with the Green! "

LAsT week Rip Van Winkle was being played simultaneously at
three Liverpool and three Manchester theatres, according to a contem-
porary. If this be true, the Dicky Sams must be fond of taking their
winkles by the bushel.

An Alarming Announcement !
HERE'S a wicked wretch! Just read this advertisement:
A PERSON is desirous of meeting with One or more CHILDREN in CHARGE
who has had several before. The situation is most healthy, near the sea, and
close to rail, West of Brighton. Reference, &c., &e.
This "person"-and well may he call himself by that odious title!-
is not only anxious to gloat over the spectacle of several little children
in the custody of the myrmidons of justice (a spectacle at which from
his own confession he has assisted several times already), but he hints
with horrible distinctness at the proximity of sea and railway, which
offers such fine opportunities for the destruction of the poor young
things, with a choice of death by land or water. After all, it may be
only the advertisement of some amiable creature who wishes to have
the care of the young-but then he, or she, should begin by having a
care of the English tongue.

Taking his Pick.
AT a late race-meeting in France, says the Court Journal, an English
pickpocket had the impudence to relieve several sergens de ville of their
watches. It is rumoured in fashionable circles that on his return to
town he expressed to his friends his belief that his victims were called
sergens do veal, because they looked like policemen bound in calf!

A Capital I-dea.
THE writer of an autobiography is clearly justified in making the
widest possible departures from the truth, for it is notoriously incor-
rect in writing about oneself to make use of a little i (little lie).

NOTICB.-Now ready, the Ninth Half-Yearly Volume of FUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s.

London. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Ph1enix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Dootors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Saturday, May 5, 186f.

MAY 12, 1866.] IFU TJ N. 81

HILOSOPHER am I! My mind is bent on good for all mankind. I lead a gentle lif) ;
For I refuse to tread on worms (except on advantageous terms), and never beat my wife.
I boast a love that would embrace my brethren of the human race (myself of course in chief);
And often when I'm passing by a starving wretch I give-a sigh, because it's some relief!
But yet the public won't applaud ; and when I take my walks abroad I don't a look engipge,
They laugh to scorn my wisest words: the insult in this way incurred's enough to sour a sage,
i Though I have toiled their praise to win, and pushing on through thick and thin, have tried to
... I i (make a little tin and) benefit my ago.

'Twas thus one day-I won't say when--I sought the busy haunts of men-I mean a quiet srct,
I That from the Strand's incessant roar leads down to Thames's slimy shore. 'Twas there my
chance to meet
Two shabby individuals, who, the sage by inward instinct knew, wore vagrant acrobats ;
Their logs in muddy tights were cased, and torn greatcoats their shoulders graced ; their hats
were shocking hats.
And after them did shambling come a man who bowed beneath a drum, and wore about his chin,
I.. Tied with a kerchief gay with stripes, a seedy reedy row of pipes, whorcon a strident din
H l e made at intervals, on high casting a speculative eye, to see if his wild melody did any
I'llI listeners win.
But, ah, the Fates were too unkind. No housemaid peeoped from o'er the blind to see what lbho
could hear;
No urchin (though he piped amain) displayed his pleasure at the pane; no shoo-black lingered
I near,
I I No errand-boy, no idle cad-not e'en a telegraphic-lad, so certain to delay!
Sl No head from any window popt; no passing traveller turned or stopt. In fact, none passed
S l 'Twas sad to note the wistful look that up and down the street he took, and at each casement
Alas," mothought, "unhappy elf! I feel for you-since I myself to catch the public eye
Have written many, many books, in which no single creature looks," and so for sympathy, "why,
zooks, I'll audience be!" said I!
They pause! Their greasy coats they doff, and take their battered castors off, and lay them on
the ground
Beside the drum, who now awakes a livelier, shriller pipe, and makes the parchment loudly sound.
8 And then the two in tights and spangles contort their limbs in various tangles, most fearful to
Alas! poor, empty, hungry chaps, they need no twist-except perhaps the broad that's so enrolled;
For though their living plainly they are making in a wriggler way," 'tis in precarious sort!
1 Aye! though I see each bounding brother is able to support the other, he can't himself support.
To keep themselves by postures, stiff they'll find the job; how easy if imposture were their fort !
They vaulted. At the sight I sighed, and thought how my ambition vied to scale the vaulted sky.
And when one stood upon his head, I philosophically said, Alack, and so do I! "
I noted the relentless stones that luckless tumbler's cranial bones had sorely scrubbed and galled :
Thus trouble with my dome of thought has such sad devastation wrought I'm downright
For, oh the hapless wight who wooes dame Fortune, or the fickler Muse, may in her service fret
Till, when his rhyme has proved a frost, and all his better days are lost like an imprudent bet,
This (with more kicks than praise, to boot) will of his headwork prove the fruit :-though all his
life he press his suit, he'll not hirsuter get.
The tumblers balanced! That was more than ever I in days of yore could bring my matters to!
A pole served them to do the trick; but I came always to a stick in what I strove to do.
Yet, ah! poor chaps, with baggy knees, and shoulders round as any cheese that calls itself a Dutch,
Their balancing was all in vain, because their figures, it was plain, did not amount to much.
Ah! me, a balance much avails, and he who's born beneath The Scales need boast no fishy lot.
Oh! better far than birth (although some, under Government, we know, have sterling merit got)
Yea, better, better far than rank-cabs from Mile End to old St. Pane-ras Church-a balance at
the bank, a locker full of shot!
Long time I watched their antics quaint. Were I a painter (which I ain't) I would portray
the pair;
/' ,How each the other "indiwiddle" by head, arm, leg, waist, back, or middle, suspends on
high in air;
How one contrives by twist and stoop to coil himself into a hoop, like that by schoolboy rolled,
While t'other, who his bent discerns, promotes his comrade's wheel by turns,-this generous, that bowled!
On these contortions wonder-fraught I could have pondered, mused, and thought, no doubt the livelong day :
Aye, and the world would, by-and-bye, have been the better fort if I had made a longer stay.
But seeing him who beat the drum, as if he were expecting some remuneration, towards me come,why, then, I-went away!

A Noble Setting. Head-Centrement.
THE Orchestra stated the other day "Eh, eon ami !" said the MAHQUIS im' Boyssv to bhi Hvmpathiz;n';
"Jael has been presented with a pin set in diamonds by the King of Italy, and guest, the ienad-Contre STEPI'HEN, "and what do you think of the
bearing the royal cipher, as a proof of the pleasure his majesty derived," &c. &c. chains that my countrywomen are throwing round their own in-
We have always heard that VicTroa EnMMANUEL was energetic and fatuated heads ?"
active, but did not think he could find time to employ himself in this "I really think, MONSIEUR LE MARQUIS," replied the fearless
brilliant fashion. Whatever the device on the pin maybe it is evident Fenian, "that the dear creatures are nearly as leniwito'd as the
that he is not "a royal cipher." blindest among the decrepit children of bloated Britannia."


SF JN. [MAY 12, 1866.

ment. The late debate showed that the Liberal side wanted some such
A CR0 QU ET PHANTOM. debating as his. There was no go about most of the speeches in
Co 1sNs, leave me here a little, go to chicken and Moselle; support of the Ministry; and B. O.'s humour would have stood the
Leave me here, and when you want me let them ring the luncheon Treasury benches in good stead. Whatever one feels as to his political
bell., opinions, there is no doubt of his gallantry-he never hesitates to come
bell. forward and defend even an opponent when he is unfairly pressed by
'Tis the place, and in the greensward as of old the hoops are stuck, numbers.
Where I first met AMY TiousooNre, and I voted her a duck." TH~EI were some good speeches on the last nights- of the debate.
AY TuonroN! I can see her, with her mallet raised to strike, LOWE's was masterly in the extreme, and GLADSTONE's was one of his
And her little foot placed deftly in the attitude I like. finest, and that is saying a good deal. DISaAELI was not up to the
mark-can that splendid intellect be overclouded by the coming gloom
Many a morning when the dewdrops had been chased away by dawn, of the Upper House ? It will be a sad time for him when he sits there
Did I look on Ai% TrnoUNToN moving slowly o'er the lawn. and has time to recall the past, while some aged peer is reeling off
Many a morn I saw r tresses fairly floating on the wind, platitudes. One of us, a literary man, he has won his coronet by the
Many a morn I saw her tresses fairly floating on the wind force of a gigantic intellect, that hired itself to fight on the wrong
And I blessed her for her chignon as it lightly hung behind. side, after volunteering brilliantly on the right. I wonder if Bhiowe-
Then about the lawn I wandered, with my Aiy "doing spoons," I n 's "Lost Leader" is -meant for him?
And I made a heap of sonnets, fell of "loves" and "stars" and TnE Old Water Colour does not advance this year. WAxrn has
moons." but one picture, so has BUnrox; BIREs T Fos21n has two, WATsoN
moons. ,four. But CARL tIAAG comes out strongly, and BOYCE, READ, GIL-
In the spring the lawn was shaven close as any lawn could be, four, BuTEL, LUN HAA comes out strongly, represented. SMALL-
In the spring my youthful fancy lightly turned to Amu T. rlmnT, 'NAFrrL, LUNDsonN, and HUxw are fairly represented. S.MALL-
In the spring my youthful fancy lightly turned to AY TFIELD seems to be a little below his late standard'; and SHIELDS does
And I said, Bewitching Any, tell me 'mid this croquet play, not altogether succeed in one of his pictures. LAMONT and JoiiNso-,
Shall we go through life together, as we went through hoops to-day?" P new associates, send works that ably support the credit of the Old
Society. Yet, on the whole, there is no advance to be noted here as
Then she turned with eyes whose splendour seemed to shoot one there is in the New. On the contrary, there is, if anything, a little
through and through, falling off. I am truly grateful to say that MR. JONES has only
"If I find no richer suitor, why then I'll put up with you." inflicted two of his ill-drawn and poorly-conceived works on us. The
Many a morn we played together, while my friends did nought but Spoon bonnets have gone out, and crinoline is condemned; when is
scany a morn we played together, while my friends did enough but the Joss-fashion likely to give place to some taste, if not more
Till she played "loose croqut" with me, and began to take two off.,, rational, at all events more pleasant ? By the time these lines are in
my readers' hands the Royal Academy will be open, but as I haven't
0 my Ary, reptile-hearted, so to put me in a fix, seen the pictures I will (having a salutary recollection of the exposed
0 the horrid hoops and mallets! 0 the wretched balls and sticks! of a certain guide-book-writer), abstain from criticising tkem. There
can be no harm, however, in mentionifig that i:; spite of anticipations
Falser than the falsest partner in the middle of a game, to the contrary, the rejections have been numerous, the Academicians
Missing two hoops in succession, and incensed at bearing blame. having sent large canvases, if few.
It is well to wish thee happy, croquet games with me were sweet, THIn magazines are not more than ordinarily brilliant this month.
Can you love a man whose mallet only hits his clumsy feet? I haven't seen the Argosy, and one or two others yet, the princely.
salary of a Saunterer even not admitting of his buying all the maga-
Yet it shall be. You will lower to the level of his play, zines that are published. The best thing in the Cornhill is Miss
And the distance of your croqudts will be lessen'd day by day. EDWvnIDS'S illustration to "The Claverings ;" but some lines of CAP-
STAIN CAMErON'S are, to say the least, interesting. In Temple Bar,
WVith my intellectual optics I look scorn upon your game, good as usual, there are some charming lines, "Mecorum Finis .Amorum."
(lot thee to thy feeble duffer "-well he merits such a name. Our good friend, London Society, is a little overdone with antiquarian
S lore, which is not lightened by the attempt to make it jocose and easy,
Hark, my laughing cousins call me, and I leave the fatal place, and an illustration called "The Opera Box" is quite unworthy of the
Whilo from lawn and garden slowly fades the faithless Any's face. "fashionable magazine. Can any one tell me what the small cut on
the first page is intended for ? But there's a capital article on a police-
van by JAMES GRIEENWOOD. The mention of his name reminds me
that articles after his style are appearing in the Quiver, and in one of
L t. !them the writer states that "a Night in a Workhouse" is eminently
popular with the very poor-a sign that it is truthfully written. But
BY TIHE SATYNTERER IN SOCIETY. the passage in these papers to which I would especially refer is this:-
VNWARDS is "In St. Giles's at this moment therA are hundreds of pale-faced women making
Sthe cry of the soldiers' shirts, for which they are paid 2id. each, out of which they must spend a
]R efo rmers. farthing for needles and thread. Seeing that millions are voted yearly for the
maintenance of the army, the government contracts ought not to be so named as
The Bill has to cause this grinding down of the industrious poor."
survived the Is there no Member of Parliament who will ask a question or two in
amendment of the House to thrnw a light on this ? The most ardent advocate of re-
Lo sn os- trenchment would not seek to cut down the Estimates if this is the
b attle over ithe price of economy. But I fear the gold voted to cover the expense is
herea after will hammered out very thin at the edges where these poor wretches work,
., e a fair Re- but is allowed to be a little thicker where it touches bigger folk. It
ti form," or "No is, in a word, not the amount but the way in which it is expended!
c /? Rf rfom" fight, 1 WAS not an enthusiastic admirer of PALMER.STON'S politics, though
"- without an I admired him thoroughly as an English gentleman and minister. But
Sambushes fo I am amused, and perhaps a little disgusted at the way in which the
the shifty to men who always opposed and disparaged him have, in the late debate,
skulk behind. overpraised and exalted him. One might almost fancy he, and not
So the Consti- DISRAELI, was "the leader of the Tories." I should like to know who
S/ tution will be M it. RALPIH DUTTON is, that he should know so much more of the
.--a-.' amended, and deceased Premier's opinions than his late colleagues, and what is the
tile B ri t is h highest authority" that arms a Liberal-Conservative (that living con-
--Lion will have tradition in terms) against the Ministry. At any rate, even the
4 h- '.is mano pro- highest authority, aided by the brilliant political genius of Mn.
perly trimmed DrTTox, cannot possibly tell what his lordship's opinion of the present
-at all events, let us hope so: for the measure may even now be bill would be.
virtually upset in Committee. I have noted down the names of the
thirty-three Adullamites, and shall keep my eye on their future con- AN EXTRAORDINARY CnRE.
duct. If they don't behave better between now and next election, I JOLLYHOY, who has been rather knocked out of time by too much
shall not fail to remind their constituents of the Cave. I am glad to gaiety and conviviality, has been entirely cured by a course of stay-
see, by the way, that BEImuAL OsnoRNE is seeking a return to Parlia- at-home-cwopathy.

MAY 12, 1866.]

Pno LOGU.-Apartment in lady Belmoitr's AIansisn.
Enter TIEVELYAN and EaITn.


TREVELYAN.-Edith, you are my daughter!
EnDIT.-And. you my fond papa!' (Tliy weep.)
TetEVELYAN.-Notwithstanding the magnificence of my name, which
was selected, at an early age, from the Minerva press, I am but Lady
Belmour's steward !
EDIurT-And I, notwithstanding the ditto of my ditto, which was
dittoed, at an early ditto, from the ditto ditto, am but her companion
Enter Mus. SnPIlGGINs.
MRs. SP'IOOoXS.-Which my Lady is a: kiekin' of her bucket, as
the sayin' is; and hours is the word, so Iwill keep me awake, make
some coffee, as is a:drinl,' holds with, and keeps one's eyes. open, as
crowbars is a fool to. (Prepares copfie.)
REnter LADY FLOxRA YVEnnoiw and MAnIoeN.
LADY FLOI.A (nmuses).-My name was taken from a "Friendship's
MARION (her daZeqhter).-AAmd mine from an Affection's Tribute !"
EDITH.-Lady Flora! Marion! I love you both, an& on
intimate terms
LADY F.-Really, Miss Trevelyan! You are only Lady Belmour's
steward's daughter; and though we.respect you, we cannot yield our
affection on demand.
EDITs.-Oh, how cruel! (Weeps.)
B ter REDGRAVE, a Solicitor.
REDGRAYE (cmuses).-To a "Devotion's Sacrifice" I am indebted for
my appellation. But no matter. I have come to say that Lady
Belmour has made a will, leaving everything to Marion Vernon-
disinheriting her nephew, Paul Ryland, who is her heir-at-law. (At
least, it wasn't quite- this, but this will do.) (Exeunt Omnes.)
TREVELYAN.-Ha&! Paul Ryland disinherited. And he owes me
twenty thousand! Quick! the laudanum! (Pours laudanums into
coffee-pot.) This will cause Mrs. Spriggins (whose name was certainly
not selected from the Minerva Press,") to sleep soundly, so that I
ean obtain access to Lady Belmour's room, murder her, and secure the
will. (Exit, like-a bad man, as he is.)
Enter MRs. SI'EIGGINe .
Mns. S.-Now for my coffee, as is a drink I holds with.
(Drinks it, and falls asleep.)
Enter EDIrn.
EDITH.-Mrs. Spriggins asleep! Then I will keep awake.
(Takes coffee, and falls asleep.)
Enter TaEVELYA' (like a bad man, as he is).
(Edith wakes, and sees him enter Lady Beldmour's room.)
EDIT.-IHa my papa! Gracious goodness me, how awful
(Se'reans heard from Lady .'s room.)
Enter the Household, in dressine-gowns.
THE HOUSEHOLD.-Wo heard screams!
SOMEBODY. -Lady Belmour is murdered!
EvEaY ONE (except EDITHn.)-Then you are the murderess !
(Exit EDITH, very quickly. Tableau of every one, except Edith.)
ACT I.-BEelyn's Studio at Hampstead.
(PAUL REYLAND, REDitAVx, and many others, discovered, having their
portraits painted by FlANKx MODAUNT.)
MonDAxuT.-Ryland, has it ever struck you as remarkable that all
our friends-Arthur, Evelyn, yourself, myself, Sir, Charles Ormond,
and Redgrave, should have been christened from a silk-bound
annual of thirty years ago ?
RYLAND (nildly).-Never.
MOUDAUNT (aside).-Supercilious puppy!
RYLAND.-Where is Evelyn's wife ?
MOSDAUYT.-She never appears. She never leaves the boudoir of
the artist's wife, which will form the scene of the third act.
RYLAND.-Then I will remain until the third, act.
MORDAUNT.-Courageous creature! You over-estimate your powers
of endurance.


Enter Mas. SPuGooINs.
Mues. S.-Which my daughter has run away with a artist chap, as
is no better than they ought to be, as the sayin' is, as is parties as I
don't hold with, through Loin' that free in their ways, as the saying' is.
LADY O.-Good soul, two artist chaps are coming here to-night; I
don't know anything of them, but one of them is doubtless the man
you seek. There are only about three artists in the world.
Ein tu'r MORDAUNT.
Miss. S.-Wherever have you put my daughter, young man ?
MOIDAUNT.-Oh! I suppose you are my mother-in-law. Well, show's
at home.
Mus. S.-All right, as the sayin' is. (Exsunt.)
(You see, a piece MUST have an underplot.)
Ter AniTsUln EVELYN.
ATHurn E.-I am told that my wife knows something of Paul
R'yland. Then she must have been his mistress! Oh, agony !
ACT III.-Boudoir of the Artist's Wife.
Enter the ARTIST's WIFn.
(You see, she is EDITi TlEVE.LYAN, iW/o is suppoee'd to hiatr' sinmeitted
suicide immediately after the murder jn the jirst act.)
ARTIST'S WIFE.-Ulc, how I adore my husband!
(lExit Artist's Wife.)
RYLAN).-Send the artist's wife, here. I have a message from her
Enter ARTrST'S Win.
AsiTisT's WIFE.-IIa! you are Paul Ryland, the man who instigated
my excellent father to murder Lady Belmour!
RYILAND.-And you are the Edith Trovelyan who is accused of the
murder! (Exit PAUL iYLAn. Artist's Wi/fe fints.)
EVrLYN.-IIa Paul Ryland with my wife! (Artist's Wife revives.)
AsrTisT'8.Wiris.-Yes !
EVELYN.-What was he doing hero ?
AurisT's WIFl.- I shall not tell you. l)o not ask me. You
promised me you would never ask me to tell you anything about
EvELYN.-Trno; but I sAould like to know something about my
wife's' previous history. The first timo I saw you, you wero wiailder-
ing in a wood, ..t. -.1-1 i;... suicide,'and I thought that the best I
could do was to marry you on the spot.
ARiTsT's Wirn.-it was obviously the wisest course you could havo
EvEr. Y.--But why wore you contemplating suicide ?
AiuTlTr's Winm.-Docauso I was pure, virtuous, excellent-inu evcry
way too good for this life.
EVELYN.-Oh! I see. That is quite satisfactory. (They embracee)
and guests from the Pall.
ALL.-Edith Trovelyan, you are the mmderess of the late Lady
Belmour, whose namn was taken, as we all know, from the Devotion's
Ecstacy" for 1836 !
AMTIST.-I also remark, Wow!
ACT IV.--The Fenes's Cellar.
(Lights down. TIVELYAN discovurered, measuring diamonds in a quart pot.)
TREVELYAN.-I am a Fence, an a Pence, and a Fence it is extremely diflicult to
get over. (Kucock.)
gEnter WVINwoon and Sin CHAnLgs OUMON. (ock.)
WINwoon.-Give up the will, and Sir Charles will give you five
thousand pounds.

RYLAND.-Give it to me, aedI. ,will give you ten thousand.
Smit C.-So will I.
YLANDn.-Ha! Then we will all fight for it! (P'ulls out pistols.)
SOMEsODY ELSE.-It shall be so
SosMDODY.-It shall not !
(Theiy all take up weapons, and proceed to filht for the will. HSoM iouDr
snaps a pistol, which, of course, misses fire, and HSoel:noDy Eisu falls
mr'tallt wo)undedu. At this moment. who should noms into Ite cellar

Enter KMns. MOuAUNT. but ALL THE CHARACTERS, with a candle.)
MRS. M.-Pickles. All serene. No flies. "Waker; Also Slap-bang. ALL THE CHARACTEHBS.-WO eeo it all. The old Fence was Edith's
Likewise Over-the-left. And How's-your*poor'feet P father, who murdered Lady Belmour, that the property might go to
Enter Siw-CkAns'OkiUomeoI. her nephew, who owed Trevelyan twenty thousand pounds! Edith is
Sin C.-Come, all of you, to Lady Oi-mond' ball to-night. innocent, and circumstantial evidence is again at fault.
ALL.-We will. (They do.) Ts.EVELYAN (dyiny).-More than this, Edith is Lady ]Bcinour's
ACT II.- rawing-room at Sh-i Charles Ormond's. chd CHARLE OniMoND.-(Only Idon't see how this is, nysclf.) Then
Enter LADY OsrOaD (ne'e MARuION VERNON). she is my sister!
LADY 0.-Sir Charles not yet returned? Then he must be with (Generallapture, Final C/horius,afindComiicDance,ibyALLTUHECHARACTERa.)
a rival! CeUTAIN.

_. I I 'II ,i li i I i ll I i

IN, W --

oo _:_ --

Kan-o'-war's-man:-"PURTY, AIN'T IT, JOE!"

A DERBY COURSE OF LECTURES. LECTURE 4TH.-Will be devoted to a series of entirely original
NOTICE.-Evening instruction will be imparted during the week remarks of the most killing nature, which have never as yet appeared
preceding the Derby, to young men who may be conscious of a defi- in public, and of which a single specimen is well worth the fee paid for
ciency in the art of chaffing, or sensible of an unsatisfactory delivery the entire series of lectures.
of repartee. Biting sarcasm and shrivelling innuendos are always kept Applications for tickets to be made at 80, Fleet-street.
on stock at the office, 80, Fleet-street. (N.B.-A reduction on taking
a quantity.)
The following syllabus of the lectures to be delivered to the students MA Y DA Y, I 8 6 6.
may not be deemed out of place in our periodical:-
LECTURE lST.-On the probable derivation of the enquiries, "Who's MY lungs are touched, and colds I fear!
your hatter ?" How are your poor feet ?" "Where are you going on The sullen streamlets cease to flow,
Sunday F &c, &c. The same statistically considered, as to how many And on the leafless trees I hear
times the same questions maybe put, and with what effect. The raven prophesying snow.
LECTURE 2ND.-On the treatment of that noble animal-the Bobby. All men are hoarse, and doctors sick
Total disregard for his feelings as a fellow-creature. Exquisite satire With coughs, bronchitis, and the rest
in allusion to his propensities to destroy beef and mutton. Propriety OfWith cousprigtidehs, bills; my voichit is and he rest
of naming him Sin RICHARD's RINDERPEST-leading up to a disquisi- Of springtide ills; my voice is weak,
tion on calves in connection with the same malady applicable to foot- I have a plaster on my chest!
men. On the use and abuse of the pea-shooter. And some drain draughts of sickly squills,
LECTURE 31iD.-On the unqualified reception and undoubted classic And dare not speak and cannot sing,
origin of the dreadful burden Doodle-dum-day. On the personal satis- While thro' the night they mourn the ills,
faction derived by suggesting to rivals on the road that they are The hateful fickleness of Spring.
driving a perambulatur. Remarks on the pleasure of paddling
another man's canoe. Practical use of the expression on every occa- My friends, that read this wretched rhyme,
sion from the departure to the return home. Examples-" Get out of Enjoy your health, it will not stay,-
the way, will yer, why don't yer go home and paddle your own canoe ?" Protect your tender lungs in time,
-"Now then, don't you take my liquor, suppose you paddle your own For, oh, it is the month of May!
canoe." Adaptation of the same, as, "Saddle your own kangaroo,"
applicable to a gentleman on a bucking-horse. "Fiddle your own
banjo," to any of the itinerant Christy's you may meet. "Skedaddle Political Intelligence.
your own bamboo," being another reading of cut your stick." Ir is whispered that should the present Ministry resign, the House
(N.B.-The above are copyright, and will be recognized immediately will be immediately called on to assemble "for the resumption of
if heard on the course.) Dizzyness."


MAY 12, 1866.] F TJ N. 87

like that when all as ever I did was to save your life." lie says, "I
MRIS. BROWN ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY. shall be black and blue all over through your pinches, lot alone my
o basket pitched out of the train, as 1 wouldn't have lost was it ever so."
I'm sure if any one had told me as I could be whisked away from I really don't know what he'd have said next only the train stooped,
Moorfields to Marrybone in ten minutes I should have said, "Go and out he bolts, and fell a-sprawlin' on the platform, and as I was
along with your rubbish," through wellromembering them Paddington a-follurin' him I stumbled ovfell a-spr him and come down too. It's a
coachmen, as was put down by the omnibuses a-comin' in, and a by- ercy as h fll ir st, or I might have bn und coer down t It's
word for abuse, and was hours in getting' from the Angel, Islington, to Well, they picked us up, and just as 1 was on my legs and up comes
the E dgware-road. a policeman a-sayin' as they'd been a long while on the look out for
I must say as I felt very much like stifln' as soon as I got in the some one to make an example on a-gettin' out of the train whilst in
station, and didn't fancy a-bein' drove that wiolent through them motion, and I was just the party. If that ungrateful old willing as
sewers, as they ain't no better than, with a chokey feeling' as ketches I'd saved the ife on didn't take and turn agin m and say, Serve
the breath, and no wonder when you comes to think as we was formed her right, for she shoved me out, and has bn a assaulted me."
for the open air, and not for them places as comes natural to rats and says, Policeman, I gives him in charge; do your duty; I'll appear
rabbits and other amphiberous creatures as I heerd a party give a agin him for foul abuse."
lecture about, as must be single in their 'abits I should say and a- But the policeman hlie was one of the gang I think, for if he didn't
breathing' through their backs, as is no doubt a conveniency to them ive a grin Oh, it's only a lower quarrel; you'll better
with their heads under water, or drowned they must be. Not as I friends after it." The idea of me having' anything' to say to that old
was altogether pleased with that party as give the lecture, as was a- fellow.
talking' about things as would keep out water, and aski' what ll, when I come for to got out of the station T found I had been
was best o as wnt with me, and sen' nxt, and left my redicule in the train with the address whero I wanted to
So I says to s. L as went with me, and sttin next, m go. But I says, Persevero I will." So I makes inquiries, and finds
a whisper, "There's nothing' better than bilcd ile, as will make any- as Marrybone wasn't far oil, and walks on, a-rinmen iiet in' as it were
thin' waterproof." What does she go and do but up and tell him Titchfield-strcot as I wanted. So at last I asks a policeuin, as said 1
what I'd said. So says he, What did the good lady say ?" were a-comin' away from it, and did ought to havo got out at fort-
"Biled ile," says Miis. PORTLOCK. What! says he. Biled land-road, this was Baker-street.
ile! You means boiled oil." l -Well, I goes back to the train and says, I'll try once more," and
"No, I don't," says I, "I means bled ile." "But my good woman," gets down-stairs, but only just in time to have a gate shot in my faco
says he, a-gettin' warm over it, "you mean's oil as has been boiled." with theo.train a-standin' there twaitin'.
I says, Don't good woman me, I means nothing' of the sort; but if I says, "Let me in, I wants to go," and thumps hard with my
you asks for billed ile you'll get what I tell you, and if you don't umbreller, and I'd have given the fellow there a good drive with it
you won't." if I could a got at*him, for he wouldn't open that gate, and off the
So I settled him; but what him and other jackasses could see to train went without me.
grin at I can't think, for they must be a ignorant lot to lecture, and When I was let in I give him a bit of my mind ; but law, it's no
not know what biled ile is. use a-talkin' to them low-lived characters, as only walked away ind
But as I was a-sayin', that Underground Railway, which though didn't even answer. When the train did conime up 1 had a hard
wonderful, I must say as open day is quite.good enough forme. Well, struggle for to get in, and off we was, and what with the worry and
I was a-wantin' to go to IMarrybone for to see a party as had come the flurry I really did feel quite knocked up, though I took a glass of
home from Canady, and seen my boy, and wished for to hear par- ale and a biscuit at Baker-street, as was as well.
ticklers from a eyewitness, as the sayin' is. So off I goes early into It wasn't long before I felt a little bit do.y, and though I only re-
the city through 'avin' of some business at the fire office; and I'm members one station we stopped at just after I'd got in, all of a
sure the confusion was that awful, as glad I was to be safe at the sudden we come to a dead stop and everyone was a-gottin' out.
station just as a train was a-goin' to start, and afore as I'd time to I says to a porter, Wherever am I got to ?" Says lie, Farringdon-
wink, as the sayin' is, I was shoved head foremost into a carriage and street."
away we went under them dark arches, as smelt mouldy and struck I says, "But I wants the Portland-road." Then," says lie,
chilly: You must go up stairs and get a ticket to go back."
A young man as was setting' opposite to me says, "We gets a fine I was put out, to be sure. I says, 1 won't do nothing' of the
view of the country, mum, don't we ?" "Well," I says, "you may sort; you're a downright gang of swindlers, as tiess people into
on your side, but I can't see nothing' but darkness wisible, as the a trap for to run 'em back'aids and for'aids, all day ; but," I says,
saying' is." Just then we come to the light, and I see as he was a- "you ain't caught a greenhorn this time, and if I could scu a
jeerin' at me. l policeman I'd give you in charge." Oh," Hays the fellow, here's a
Well, on we went till at last nearly every one had got out of the policeman, p'raps you'd like to talk to him."
carriage, but all in that hurry skurry as give me a turn, and I set a-, Well, up he comes, and I tells him what lihad happenedd to ime, and il'
waiting' till a party put his head in at the winder and said, Change he didn't take and say aits I'd better be careful not to be a-humibuggin'
here for Kensington." about the station, as p'raps 1 might get into trouble.
I says, "I shan't do nothing' of the sort, for I'm a-goin' to Baker- I says, "Whatever do you mean ?" "Why," he says, "tak. care
street." "Then," says he, "you've come past it; you must go up- as you're not taken up on suspicion of being one of a lot as gous
stairs and get a ticket to go.back." I back'ards and for'ards by the trains a-pickin' of pockets. For," lie
I says, What a shame to bring parties out of their way like this." says, "they're females for the most part."
He says, Can't you read nor got no ears, for," he says, the names I says, Do you dare for to insinuate as I'm a female, and given to
of the stations is wrote up." thievin' ?" I says "I'll make you prove your words, you good-for-
I says nothing but goes to get my ticket, and I'm sure them stairs nothing' follow, you! lie didn't say a word, but lie takes ime by the
is enough for a day's journey to any one. Well, I gets into the train, ar, and says, "Now you be offil or I shall have to do my duty, and
and spoke wery severe to the guard about their 'avin' brought me too lock you up."
far, when a impident jachanapes of a fellow says, "If they was to I was all of a tremble at such an insult, I busts away from him, and
look out for all the places as old women wants to stop at, as never how I got up the stairs I don't know ; and had only strength for to
knows where they're a-goin', they'd never go on." I says, You get a cab, and I cried fit to break my heart all the way home, and all
speak when you're spoke to, M SNir," as shut him up in a crump, the comfort as BuowN give me was a-sayin' I wasn't fit to be trusted
as the sayin' is. So nothing more wasn't said, and we kep' a-stoppin' out alone, and as lie must get some one to look arter me, as I'd Hooner
at stations and parties kep' a-hurryin' in and out of the train, as ter- be under ground altogether than put up with, but next time as I wants
rifled me to death, partickler one old gent as was a-gettin' out with a to go to Marrybone, as I never got to, no more of them dark places for
large basket, as he'd been and wedged in the door. me as didn't ought to be allowed.
Well, he loses his temper over it, and gives it a wiolent shove, out
it goes sudden and him nearly after it, leastways he would have been
if I hadn't ketched hold on him with a sudden grip and pulled him back. TE(A)CUM VIVERE AMEM.
- "What the devil do you mean by that ?" says he. Mean! says T voice he eard at daily drums,
I, "why there wasn't a inch between you and eternity," for ina To whvoic he felt heard needs must gos,
moment they'd banged the door that violent as nearly caught his Thy face across his fancy comes,-
fingers, and on goes the train and we was in darkness. You give the kettle to his ftc!
The way as that old fellow went on, instead of gratitude, as was his
duty, nobody would never believe but them as heard his langwidge, as A moment, and the song is sung-
was downright disgraceful. He called me everything' as he could lay. He sees his rival spooning thee;
his tongue to in abuse till at last my temper give way, and I says, The next with fire he scalds his tongue,
"You're no gentleman, but a low-lived character for to talk to me And sends to Jericho your tea!


[MAY 12, 1866.


"How beautiful is night," as SOUTHEY said,
In Thalaba; but ah! how sad for me,
A hecatomb is slain beneath my tread,
Where late the chirping cricket carolled free.
I know a bank, or rather know a grate
Blackbeetles haunt; a crappling, crawling clan,
There hold they revels, or in high debate
Proclaim aloud how mean a thing is man.
I bait my traps, huge bowls of foamy stout,
With ladders made of firewood for ascent;
They enter in, they drink, and then get out,
Deriding me in drunken merriment.
They watch me on my entrance, and I know,
Some tricks preparing by the dread I feel,
I seek my boots at morning-tide, and lo!
I find a wanderer lurking in my heel.
I sit with nervous terrors in my chair,
I know a wretch is crawling to my knee,
My meals are few-but all my meals they share,
And wanton in my little store of tea.
They nirule supreme around me, and they bring
The lively crickets in :-'tis vain to think
Of any writin1r when those crickets sing,
And one old 1cctle's bathing in my ink.
So things go on, until my latest day
I ne'er can hope from beetles black to part,
As )lAii talked of Calais-so I say,
llackbeetles will be graven on my heart.

As the momentuous, and I will even go so far as to say eventful
hour draws nigh when NICHOLAS, like the Adelphic oracle (by the kind
permission of BENJAMIN WEBSTER, ESQ.), must sit down upon his
mystic tripod with a view to his selections for the Derby, the Prophet,
although never more confident of success, gentlemen, may perhaps be
pardoned if he feels a little nervous. Subscribers, you cannot expect
that every year should be like 1865, when his prophecies of Gladiateur
for Epsom and the Leger, together with Ely for Ascot, and many
others, sent a thrill of wonder throughout civilized Europe, which
cried out in different languages, "NICHOLAS, you good and gifted old
man, ye art really a honour to the land which bore thee, the home of
the brave and the free!"
Already, however, in 1866, I have been remarkably successful; and
as my relative continues to take me up, and launch me again in
fashionable circles, sparing no expense in reason, the result is, that
your Prophet is fly to every move upon the board. Nor does NICHOLAS
believe that even his tempory adversity at Mus. CaRIms' really did him
any harm, it being more likely to have given greater firmness and de-
cision to his character.
Testimonials to his great and increasing popularity continue to reach
him every day. An eminent public servant, by which I do not mean
anything in the potboy line, but what is called Civil, who after dis-
tinguishing himself in China, where his health was seriously impaired,
is now stationed at Sheerness, writes to NicHOLAS from that lovely
spot: "You are-and I never thought it or believed it before-much
trusted in. I will not say you influenced the general odds, but the
pot-house public take your foretellings, such as they are, quite in
earnest; and I have no doubt drink your health in Sherry wine -when


MAY 12, 1866.]


they can get it!" There, sir, that is what I call Fame, a desire for
which is said to be the last infirmity of nobby minds.
But is this all ? No, my dear young friend! In the latest number
of your New Serious, there is an allusion to the talents of NICHOLAS
which brought tears of honest pride to the old n:an's eyes, where it
says in Our Stall," as I am an amusing old vagabond." He have
often been considered so in private life, but it is quite a different thing
to have it printed in a conspicuous organ; and if you should see the
writer, Mni. EDITOR, which I dare say will call for his wages at the
usual hour, pleese tell him it was took as it was meant, and than which
a more gentlemanly piece of sportive compliment though perhaps a
little ambiguous to those who only know me by reputation.
Now, friends and subscribers, and ye, thou kindly Editor, let us all
bear in mind that we are on the brink of a crisis, and I may even say
on the outskirts of a volcano. Those who have followed the advice of
the Prophet must have reclised very handsome sums; but we cannot
forget that for the majority of betting men the season, so far, has been
literally awful. Poor Mi. NEWCOME, which was a highly respectable
man for his station in life, and formerly used to bet at the corner of
Bride-lane, near where your own office is, has been compelled to be-
come non est inventors, and is lying perdue until the storm blows over.
Why should the Prophet deny that, at a former period of his career,
and long before he reached his present pinnacle, the same kind of
thing may have happened to himself? Accordingly, he exhorts ye
all to bear your losses uncomplaining; and, above all, if you want good
advice stick to NICHOLAS, and remit liberal out of winnings.
Noblemen and gentlemen, we will now, with your kind permission,
turn our prophetic gaze in the direction of the Derby.
NICHOLAS has said so much against Lord Lyon that he cannot con-
sistently afford Lo eCt his own words, eloquent as they are, such being
nasty feeding; but NICHOLAS has never said a syllable against Rustic.
Nine prophets out of ten will tell you that the Derby is nothing but a
match between those two good and gifted animals. Is it ? Time alone
can show; but your Prophet does not believe it. He will give you his
final Selections in the Derby Double Number; but, meanwhile, sub-
scribers all, keep your eyes well fixed on
P.S.-I have changed my mind about the illustrations to my "His-
tory of Knurr and Spell," and am going to have them done by Wothly-
type. The book will shortly be produced.

A MOST interesting little pamphlet, entitled The Programme of Ar-
rangements for the Thirteenth Season at the Crystal Palace, lies before us.
Few of the pamphlets which come under our notice in such numbers,
are as readable and as reasonable as this little brochure-none of the
schemes they advocate can be more beneficent or laudable, though all
of them r,!.hL less absurd. For what at the first glance could be
more ridiculous than to propose for two guineas to take people by rail
to a lovely garden about seven miles from town, and to throw in, into
the bargain, a glorious palace containing almost everything you can
think of, and yet, besides, to give concerts and archery meetings, flower-
shows, bird-shows, and displays of fireworks, and all this for every
day in the year except Sundays-and it is no fault of the management
that even they are excepted! To imagine that the population of the
metropolis could be thus fited, instructed, and elevated for the small
sum of forty-two shillings per head per annum, except at a most
ruinous loss to the speculators, seems sheer folly. Well, the speculators
have had to pay for their public spirit and generosity, but they are, we
believe, now beginning in a small way to be repaid-in cash that is;
for Londoners owe them another debt which they cannot wipe out.
Only one short half-hour of rail and you find yourself in grounds
such as few noblemen can boast the possession of. There are all sorts
of amusements for you, all sorts of sights to see, and sounds to hear,
or if you aim beyond this, there is much to study, and all facilities for
studying. If it is fine you can ramble among the glorious flowers,
lounge on the lawns, or gaze at the fountains. If it is wet you can
find a summer of your own in the tropical department.
There is no other way in the world in which you can obtain for so
small a sum of money so many and such varied pleasures for such a
length of time. Even if you are too busy, and have too few holidays
to make a season-ticket advisable, still you'll find Sydenham offers
more and better entertainment for your money than any other place.
We speak warmly in favour of "The People's Palace," because it
is essentially the people's. It combines the requisite amount of
pleasure with instruction, and is not too lofty to cater for humbler
tastes. It has been the fashion to sneer at it for such exhibitions as
BLONDIN'S or ETmIanDo's. They render attractive the more solid
qualities of the scheme. Calves-foot jelly is nourishing, but it is apt

to taste like weak glue if there's not a flavour of sherry to tempt the
All readers of Frx are people of sense, so we take it for granted
they are or will be season-ticket holders. The more the nmerrier, for
the greater the success of the palace the wider will be the extension
of its field of usefulness.

'TIs sweet to view the broadening tints of morn
Mount higher in the blushing Eastern sky 1
'Tis sweet to watch the ripening fields of corn-
More golden yet-as harvest grows more nigh !
And sweet it is to note the deepening lihue
Seen in the petals of the opening rose,
To gaze upon each tint and lustre now,
To scent the fragrance which around it throws 1
And sweet is'younglove's first faint opening flush,
Ah, sweet it is the talo of love to speak !
To watch anon the rosy nmantling blush
As fast it spreads o'er beauty's virgin cheek !
But sweeter far-'tis sweeter tar to me,
When o'er the showy surface, rich and ripe,
The roseate flush 1 first can dimly see,
Which tells me of the colouring of niy I'i'E!

A SILLY handbill containing an ill-written tirade against vaccination
and its enforcement has been forwarded to us by some noodle in the
country. In the margin in printed "Jlistribtte this handbill, and for
further copies apply, &c." The only way in which we could dis-
tribute this handbill" was to tear it into little bits and throw it to the
winds. But its author should remember that although his trash- we
beg pardon, tract, need not be sense, it might at least be English.

Ware Wolf.
A P'ACK of wolves continue, so say the papers, to infest Eborbach, in
Baden. They are not tlihe only packs that infist the district-packs of
cards, with more than their right coumpl)inmnt of knav-es maUke visitors
loups (lose) after the regular German wehr-wolf style.

Ne Sutor.
A LADY writes to aslC us whletheor her husband, who is by profession
a cobbler, is justified in sitting up all night in the exercise of his
vocation. Iie can, at all events, put in a proverbially philosophical
ploa-that it is never too late to mend.

FLORA ANGLICANA, Wilton-crescent.-Wt agree with you in your view
of the sweet PEA-nODY, but your joke is unluckily not so genuine as your
J. R. Ii., Liverpool-road.-Wo need something (to quote your own MS.)
that will "bring our eyes to perfection; l',r though we can't osee with-
out them," we certainly can't see, with Ilhmn, what you aire aiming ut.
B. W.-(Does that mean "brandy and water?" You sign yourself
ours in the spirit.") You can have your sketches on application at the
E. C., Now Cross.-Your joke about the city of Chester is too Rloode-
J. D., Blackheath.-Many close parodies have been done on that elegy of
GRAY's, but you don't go near enough even to graze.
A. R. M., Swansea.-" An Epitaph on a Donkey" is declined with thanks.
We cannot allow you to gather posthumous bays in our columns.
R. C., Liverpool, wiho writes to us about twice a week, thinks hie ought to
succeed because of his perseverance. lHas be ever hoard of the Chairman of
Sessions who told a jury anxious to go out for some refreshment that the
longer they sat there the sooner they would be discharged ? We can
assure him that the less frequently lie sends copy the oftener it is likely to
be put in.
CLEAR-SIGHTED.-We have two objections to your copy. First, yen
make a murder of a joke, and second, aijok of a murder.
FUNGUS.-We consider the subject of the sketches is in had taste. I)c
FuN-gustibus non aest disputanduinm.
-- .-Your sketch of a tombstone and epitaph for Reform is rather a
grave suggestion than a funny one.
Declined with thanks--M. J. C., Bath ; II. N., Kew; It. C., Coventry;
W;. D., Stoke Newington; C. E. G., Regent-square; W. MeG., Esq.,
Harrow; I. E. II. ; G. E. P. ; F. A. S.; T. C. W. ; L. G.; W. H. W.;
F. W., Westminster; C. E. M., Shepherd's-bush; A. B., Tiurloe-squar ;
A. G.


[MAY 12, 1866.


Aversion of a French drama, called Eulalie Pontois, was produced at
the Olympic on Wednesday. It is a highly-spiced, strongly-seasoned
affair, entirely unnatural, artificial, stagey, and effective-a strange
jumble of coffee, laudanum, stolen wills, murder, larceny, sentimenta-
lity, suspicion, pistols, conjugal discomfort, and other halfpennyromance
horrors. The translator deserves a medal for proficiency in carrying
the art of writing bad dialogue further than ever it was intended to
go. The fashionable folks in the piece talk wonderfully-so do the
artists-so do the models. "Unsurpassably and emotionally lively,"
say the fashionables. Incomparably so," say the painters. "Pickles!"
say the models, or some such stuff. "Pickles," by the way, is literally
said by a female character-and indeed it is one of the smartest hits in
the piece-so natural, so life-like, and so characteristic of an ignorant
woman who is trying to be a fine lady. Our friend, "Mrs. Brown,"
Mr. Arthur Sketchley's "Mrs. Brown" has been annexed from the
Egyptian Hall. It is a pity that Mr. Sketchley could not patent his
invention. The drama is excellently mounted, although we think the
fence's shirt hanging up to dry in the cellar in Clerkenwell a somewhat
severe piece of realism; and we may compliment the Olympic company
cordially upon the success of their efforts; and if it be not invidious
to particularise, we would gazette, for distinguished services, MiR.
praise Miss KATE TERRY sufficiently, and so will not attempt to
praise her at all. We would mention that the last act of Lore's
Martyr is especially effective. It has all the vividness of the "flash
ken scene in Jack Sheppard, without its impropriety, and the excite-
ment of the cellar scene in Pauline, minus its horrors. Transpontine
tastes have crossed the bridges, so welcome the voleurs and voleuses
the Mandrins and Cartouches, and other celebrities of the minor
theatres of Paris.
We understand that the de Trafford dramatic club at Manches-

A MONKTSH old poet was heard to declare
That if from Charybdis you're anxious to run,
'Tis exceedingly likely, unless you take care,
You'll fall into Scylla as sure as a gun.
So if the deep truth of this proverb you doubt,
And proof in a modernized version require,
How exceedingly easy, you'll quickly find out,
'Tis to jump from the frying-pan into the fire.
A mind of contentment is valued by all
Who relish a sweet and perpetual feast;
Yet the pleasures of life quickly turn info gall,
And those who are rich value comfort the least.
In the roundabout world many fortunes are lost,
And rags have to supplement silken attire;
And by great speculations we find, to our cost,
How to jump from the frying-pan into the fire.
At the outset of life we can roam at our will,
And like butterflies bask in the warmth of the sun;
Then the cup of excitement we joyfully fill,
Nor halt till the length of the tether is run.
But at last comes the turn of that dunning old Fate,
And friends and acquaintances slowly retire,
And by aid of reflection we find-but too late-
We have jumped from the frying-pan into the fire.
What need to go travelling out of one's way
For examples which every one stumbles across,
We are bothered incessantly every day,
Each hour we regret disappointment and loss.-
Then why should we growl when vexations are rife,
If peace and contentment we seek to acquire,
It is not very jolly to struggle for life,
Having jumped from the frying-pan into the fire !

George Cruikshank.
WE are glad to see that a movement is afoot to
present GEORGE CaUIKsKANK, the veteran artist, with a
testimonial. We, as a comic paper, feel it an especial
duty as well as a pleasure to call our readers' attention
to this testimonial to one of the patriarchs of caricature,
and not of caricature only, but of that graver humour
where the snuile and tear are so close together. We
venture to hope that "lovers of FUN" will be found
to be plentiful among the" friends of GRUIKSHANK."

terare about to give a performance in aid of the BROOXE Memorial
Lifeboat Fund." The piece selected is The Layrock of Langleyside,
an adaptation by MR. BRIERLEY (whose writings in the Lancashire
dialect are well known) of a story which he published some time since,
and which met with a very favourable reception.

WE have been favoured with the following programme of music to
be performed at the Bazaar which is going to take place for the benefit
of Lost or Strayed Dogs in the metropolis :-

Overture ..
Waltz ..

"The Dog of Venice."
"The Land! The New-found Land!"
" Quel chien d mndtier."
"Poor Dog Tray."
"The Cur few tolls."
"Jolly Dogs."
"O! am not I a Cur! "
"Our Native Skye."
"The Strange Bark."

Want of space obliges us to curtail the account forwarded; .but we
have every reason to-believe that a Dogmatic College will be raised
for these interesting beneficiaries on a site which has been happily
selected in the Isle of Dogs.

NOTICE !-Tue next Number of FUN, being

will be published on Tuesday, the 15th instant.-Price One Penny.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, P'hucnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-31ay 12, 1866.

MAY 19, 1866. IF U N.

C HE Horse is a noble animal," of my spectacles (compound), but this was not all. The bystanders
5 i [( ~ observes the Spelling Book, took me for a hippophagist from Paris, and their remarks were moro
than which, to borrow the pointed than polite in consequence.*
phraseology of one who has To proceed to my report:-Tho horses nt Islington are very like
become the patron saint, "as most other horses. As a rule, they have four legs, and generally pos-
III the saying' is," of this festive sess a tail, although the present fashion for chignons is stated to have
season-than which a greater considerably raised the price of the horsehair of commorco. I may add
authority on such matters, that horses appear to be of most colours, with the exception of ver-
though a little inclined to be million and pea green, but evon on those points T will not be dictatorial,
erroneous. Of the nobility of as I have soon nags of that colour on signboards, and have no doubt
the horse I have, personally, the artists went to nature for them.
very little doubt, having heard On learning what journal I represented, the authorities treated me
S7of horses with pedigrees-the with the greatest urbanity. I was offered my pick of the show for a
If I 1; j exclusive boast of exalted birth; trial trot, but as I am not a good rider, never having been on horso-
but I am bound to add that his back in my life, I thought it was best to decline. I found more dif-
long association with man on faculty in getting off than I probably should have found in coming off,
the turf would almost justify for if there is anything of the horseman about me it must be some-
me ,aiiaes I ~ our describing him as a thing of the one who is likely to lose his seat for Stroud at the first
n nobblee" animal.* It is me- opportunity. Tho only exercise my equinc-nimity ever gets is at
lancholy to reflect that a con- home, my wife possessing a horsey disposition, for she rides roughshod
section with the equine race over me with a tongue that's always nagging, because she says I have

4 worst qualities of a man, and _
that the mention of the quad-
ruped in connection with a Mathematical Questions.
case in a law-court is a certain sort of a figure does hen she has left the room
prognostic of what is euphe- WHAT sort of a figure does MARY cut when she has left the room
--_-'- ---5 =-- mistically styled "hard swear- Apolly-goni.
ing." 'This, however, has no- How can you describe the cordage of a vessel, which has run ashore
thing to do with my present and broken up F By a wreck-tangle.
S subject, which is quite another Why should a four-decker, pierced for only a couple of cannon on
thing-stoute atr-c hose, in fact, each side, be built with ten angles ? Because it's a deck-a-gun.
n Horse Shows. I will premise Why are Lon RoEir.t T MONTACGE's speeches like lines ? Because
my observations by stating they are length without breadth.
that on account of a profound
ignorance of horseflesh, which Literary Mem.
ensuresmyperfect impartiality, avri
I have been selected to attend WE see the following book advertised:-
the Show at the Agricultural MONEY: a Popular Exposition in Iough Notes. With Remarks on Stewnrdship
Hall. 'and Systematic Beneficence. By the Rev. Thomas Binney.
I must acknowledge my first We should have thought the most popular exposition of money would
attempt to pass myself off as a be in lank notes. Possibly, however, there arc people to be found who
connoisseur was not crowned will sing the old song, "I'd rather have a BiNNmEY than a one-pound
with complete success-in fact, quite the reverse. Having heard the note."
knowing speak of horses as cattle, I adopted, in my examination of the
competing animals, the tests which I have observed the farmers apply A LEGAL POINT.
to the fat beasts at the Cattle Show. But I found that the steeds A COnnF.rPONDNTwishes to know whether an action for divorce on
resisted punches and pokes in the flanks by kicking vigorously. I have the ground of desertion will lie against a "ship's husband" for
sustained severe fractures of the left tibia (simple), and the right glass pitching her over.
0 Such, at least, was my epininei last -year, when I backed a horse and came off
badly. Whether the events f next edesday may induce e to alter my inion To avoid similar contreemps in future, I intnd studying deportment of a
may be conjectured from the fact that I have entrusted my money to the Sporting horsey professor. Jas ert ab hossy doceri.
Editor of this periodical. + The remainder of the MS. is suppressed as entirely inrrolevant.-ED.



[MAY 19, 1866.


THIS being Derby week, I keep before my eyes HORACE's advice to
a friend:-
2Equam memento rebus in arcluis
Servare mentem."
Which may be freely translated (especially by anyone who doesn't
know Latin well)-" Remember to keep a hossy mind in Derby week."
On this ground I may be pardoned for referring back a week or so to a
remark of my good friend, the Flidncur's. In speaking of the danger
and inconvenience arising from nurses and bricklayers crossing Rotten-
row, he says,
The Row is the one place in London set apart for equestrian exercise, .
the only place where the hardworked professional man can recruit his energies or
brace his nerves by a gallop."
Allow me humbly to hint that good riders prefer a trot for such pur-
poses. It is only young SNxoBINs on his hired camel who goes in for
a gallop. However, it is no shame to my friend to be out on a point
of this sort;-he can't-mustn't know anything of riding. You might
as well talk of the Sleepers of Ephesus for laying the rails of the
Chatham and Dover, or of the .orthumberland on the Serpentine, as of
a .Fdneur on horseback.
A VERY pretty quarrel between Mn. DOULTON and his Radical friends
in Lalmbeth! The most amusing part of it, to my mind, is the former's
letter, which is n. chnste and elegant composition worthy of a niche in
tie C'omplete Letter Writer, among the models of-"what to avoid."
He accuses his constituents of abusing him; but there is a fair amount
of bad language in his own composition. I really think that a joint-
stock company (limited) which would undertake-like the Spanish
street letter-writers-to conduct people's correspondence neatly and
pgammatically, would be a great success. It would be of infinite ser-
vice to the Government Offices.
A vERY clever picture by BIERSTADT, the painter, who accompanied
LANDOR on the U.S. Government Survey of the Rocky Mountains, is

now on view at MR. McLEAN's gallery in the Haymarket. It is a view
of Mount Landor, with the Colorado in the foreground, admirably
painted, and full of interest. BIERSTADT is the son of a veteran who
fought under WELLINGTON in the Peninsula; and if the father wielded
the bayonet as the son plies the brush, he ought to have died a field
officer. It is very odd that the foreigners beat us so completely in all
the mere technicalities-which reminds me, by the way, that the
French Gallery is open. I haven't been yet, but will go, and will de-
vote some time next week to it and the Royal Academy. The latter
is by no means a first-rate exhibition this year. The hanging com-
mittee have mismanaged, for they have hung many bad pictures and
rejected several good ones. I hope there is no foundation for the
belief generally expressed among artists that a residential qualification
has been necessary this year-that the fact of a painter's living in a
certain suburb has made his pictures preferred to the more meritorious
works of men living in other neighborhoods. I trust the reasons
shown for this opinion are purely accidental circumstances. If not, all
the explanations of SIn FRANeIS GRANT at the dinner will fail to make
the Academy popular. We could forgive the incompetence which usually
distinguished the hangers, but we should not overlook favouritism.
THE Redistribution Bill seems giving general satisfaction. I am
very glad to see the grouping of the little boroughs. It will be a check
on corruption. But how savage some of the small constituencies will
be, that fancy themselves the nurseries of statesmen. As a rule, they
are treated more leniently than they deserve. I'm glad to see Liskoard
among the doomed. The model" borough has been anything but a
model since BULLoE'S time, and when, a little while since, it conceived
the shabby plan of making the M.P. who had healed the long divi-
sions in the constituency a warming-pan for the incompetent brother
of a distinguished statesman, I felt that the sooner it was dis-
franchised the better. Woodstock, Totnes, Calne, and Andover, are
also places which are mercifully served by being merged with others.
The enfranchisement of the London University I am not so sure about.
I am inclined to refuse the Universities a separate representation alto-
gether; but perhaps the more modern spirit of the London oee may
help to counterbalance the two old places.

MAY 19, 1866.J



e~,ter A~ crisAl

TII earth hath bubbles, as the water has,
And these are of them."
SucAKESPr:iAR's Macbeth, Ati I., Scene 3.

O-DAY'S the day of Folly's reign-
Of real pleasure and champagne-
Of liberty and drags.
Now lords and beggars, wits and clowns,
e'9 Are dashing headlong to the Downs
On vehicles or nags.

Nags, that to tool would pain impart
To even a screw-driver's heart,-
So groggy and so queer.
They jib, shy, bolt whenever they can,
While some, accustomed to a van,
For change attempt a rear.

Such drivers and such riders too!
Tag-rag and bob-tail, with a crew
Of mob and snob and nob,
In garments-down from POOLEr' design
To slops-white hats at two and nine-
Dust-coats at seven bob !

Ah! many a one of them, good lack!
Who goes a better, may come back
A sadder, wiser man;
For lie who foolish wagers makes,
The error of his own mis-stakes
Must bear as best he can.

Aye! and there'll be along the course
A gathering of the fair in force,
Attired in toilets neat.
And bets in gloves they will arrange-
So 'cutely that 'tis hardly strange
That "kidding" means to cheat.

Thus, on the feast of Folly's reign,
Thoughts mount like bubbles in champagne-
And this their upshot is:
And here's a picture too. You'll say,
Taking the licence of the day,
It should have been by Fizz !



F N [MAY 19, 1866.

No sooner, Mr. Editor, did the old man receive your somewhat
peremptory orders to be prophetical and visionary than he made
ready for such a course, although under difficulties. To tell the honest
truth, the vision of NICHOLAS is no longer what it was except with the
aid of glasses, though, thanks be, he is not yet in such a condition as
poor old HOMER, better known perhaps as
The blind old bird of Sigh-oh's rocky aisle!"
Feelings of anxiety, Sir, mingle with those of pride when the
prophet is informed that you are going to publish my portrait. If it
is faithful I care not who sees it, though free to admit that at one
period of my prophetical career I was averse from anything which
might lead to my personal identification, many a backer having sworn
to break every bone in the "rascally old tout's" body, meaning
NICHOLAS'S. Your artises will, I am sure, do their best for the old
man, and if the gentleman who draws it should give satisfaction and
Fortune smile on my tip, will be ready to meet him over a friendly
glass of sherry-wine.
With regard ti any suggestions I may have to offer," as you kindly
state, do you not think, Sir, that the nose of NICHOLAS ought to be a
little toned-down in a pictorial drawing of that organ ? The old man
hopes that he is not vanityglorious, though considered far from bad
looking in his palmy zenith; but a nose, Sir, especially when exposed
a good deal to the weather, is scarcely one of those things that can be
improved by keeping; and the ruddy hue which is considered the
emblem of innocence on a maiden's cheek, might be mistaken on a
prophet's nose for the result of systematic inebriety. Then, Sir, you
might give the artis a hint about the old man's dress, brushing him
up a bit, so to speak, and making him look spruce. If these little
matters are attended to, I have no doubt but what the picture will be
worthy of RAFFLES, or even of those early Greeks (one of whom I take
to be of Welsh extraction by his name, Greeks and Welshers going
well together), Ap ELLIS and ZooKsEs.
These remarks perhaps need not be printed, as if you suppress
them it will tend to keep up the illusion, and if I were you I should
omit them (paying the Prophet all the same), and go slap dash into
some such title as this-
Not of course meaning to convey the idea that the old man is a-foaming
at the mouth, but like the ancient ballads, which I dare say you may
have heard of, Sir.

Descend, yo Mews!
I would'st be inspired as quickly as possible, with a view to the
Derby Double Number of the New Serious, so that I may be all there,
at what LonnD PALMERSTON truly called our Ishmael Games."
N.B. This is what they call an invocation, and is supposed to be
wrote, not by NICHOLAS himself, but by another person, a young poet,
as you will see as you go along.
Ha! the gentle influence descends, and a pleasurable sort of drowsi-
ness seems pervading of my limbs, whilst my mental orbs acquire a
range of vision to which LoanRD RossE's telescope is blinkers.
What do I see ?
Ha! I see, reclining gently on a couch, the form of an elderly man.
His countenance beams with benevolence and genius. I wish he were
my papa.
There can only be two old men who would look so innocent when
they slept. It must be either MR. PEABODY or MR. NICHOLAs From
the fact of there being sherry wine in the neighbourhood, I am inclined
to think that it is more likely to be the latter than the former.
I will approach. His lips are moving. He breathes.
Although it is hardly a gentlemanly kind of thing to do, I will
on, and make my bets in accordance. He is a-talking in his sleep.
FIT III. (to be printed with inverted kommers.)
"Ah deary me, deary me-and so they drove the horse-watchers
eff the ground, did they? Well, that's a good 'un, any how! Many's
the time it was done to the old man himself, before I got respectable.
How things do alter, to be sure !
"Hmnhh, grrh !" (Note-This is NICHOLAS snoring.)
"A poor old man, sir; but will do.his best for his employers, bar
Methinks I see the famous Derby cracks,
With jocund jockeys sitting on their backs,
Which first of all appears that sturdy scion
Of Steokwell and of Paradigm, Lord Lyon,
The betting being the Bank of England to a button
In favour of the property of Ma. SuTTroN "

"Something queer about the feet-not Lord Lyon's-mine! If the
Editor wants it done in poetry, he ought to pay double, at my time of
Raise, merry shepherds, raise the vocal shout:
The Lord may yet be beaten by the Lout;
And if I had time I would write a long acrostic
On my original selection, Rustic!
"The rhyme ain't quite what it might be. Print it with a O.
"I envy not the invidious man )
Who takes a liberty with bold Redan,
One of the finest as has ever ran!
"That's what they call a triplet, I believe !
Fortune, fair maid, assist me! Prythee, stick, oh, lass,
To the good and gifted Prophet, known as NICHOLAS !
Blue Riband next appears, with Bribery Colt,
The latter with a tendency to bolt;
And to make all serene on this occasion,
The Prophet's eagle eye selects Vespasian;
One more outsider might make all things pleasant,
Suppose, accordingly, the Knight o' the Crescent!
Whilst should another still upset the pot,
It may be found amongst Loan GLASGOW's lot!
"Pity they had to scratch Student, aint it, sir ? He would have
made the prettiest rhyme to prudent, with reference to place-betting,
that a Prophet could have wished.
"HIImnhh, grrh 1" (NOTE.-This is NICHOLAS 80snoring again.)
"Subscribers, who sent you Gladiateur for Epsom and the Leger ?
Who sent you Ely for Ascot ? Who has already enabled you to make
a mint of money this present season P
Stick to the old man, and~he'll stick to you !
"As to Knurr and Spell, gentlemen, it shall all be done in good
time; but as I am going to have it illustrated in mezzotint, you should
hurry no man's cattle."
A louder snore than ever resounded through the palatial apartment.
For a moment the frame of NICHOLAS seemed convulsed with prophetic
agonies. He muttered feebly, Rustic-Redan-Blue Riband .
And Awoke.

There, sir, you have my idea of how to put it. You can pleese your-
self about the punctuation, but mind that the authorgraphy is printed
exactly as it is wrote.
And, in conclusion, Mr Editor, and ye, my subscribers, the athletic
men of merry, merry England, NICHOLAS will be upon the Downs
himself, along with his relative, unless anything better should offer in
the way of carriage accommodation and refreshment.
You may easily know the old man, gents; for he will wear a green
veil, and have a race-glass slung behind me.

WE have recently come across some numbers of the American
"comic" papers-for example, The Phunny Phellow (whose sole
original fun is putting "ph" for "f "-oh fie!) and Leslie's Budget
of F1un. American humour, to judge from these samples, exists simply
in annexation without acknowledgment. They steal woodcuts, repro-
ducing them in clever fac simile, from every illustrated paper they can
lay their honest hands on. As they pay us the further compliment
of stealing our letterpress, we must, in return for the honour, give
them a little advice-gratis, as they seem so fond of getting things for
It is evident from the local and original pictures they contain that
they have artists who can draw. In the interests of their national
art we recommend them to give those artists more elevating oppor-
tunities than are offered by the work of imitating styles. We pre-
sume, too, that they might have comic writers; for these journals do
not consist entirely of "quotations" from us, although the other
matter is not of first-rate quality. But they can hardly hope to get a
spirited and talented staff unless they give them more encouragement.
This advice is disinterested. Their pilfering can't hurt us, but it
does injure them by checking the expansion of national talent.
One word more-if they must steal let us advise them not to dis-
figure things in order that they may pass for their own." They may
take our word for it that they do not improve The cruise of the
Nancy Bell" by altering the first verse after this fashion:-
While rambling on the Jersey flats
As thoughtless as a clam,
I saw all alone at rest on a stone,
An elderly naval man."



F T IN .-MAY 19, 1866.




WELL," I says to MiRS. IADDICK, I certainly should like to see
'em a-comin' home, as is a fine sight, with their shay-carts, po'shays,
four-in-hands, and all manner; but as to them parties as throws the
flour and eggs, if they comes my way I'll settle their 'ash, pretty
quick, with the police, for I'm sure the sight as 1 were through a-
standin' by Mile-end-gate five year ago, to see them a-comin' hack
from Fairlop Fair, I never shall forget. I was whitenin' and heggs
from top to toe, and everything' I had on reglurly spiled, as was a lovely
black welvet bonnet trimmed with red ribbons, as looked that cheerful
in the morning, and was batter pudding at night, and a new shawl,
leastways as good as new, through 'avin' been cleaned, as brought the
colours out as fresh as paint, as were orange and green, with a mauve
Well, it was agreed as I should go and take tea with MARS. MTADDICIK,
as lived just agil "The Swan," at Stockwell, as were a bit of a country
inn when I was a gal, but now swep away into a fine looking' house,
but not like the old place a bit.
A kinder creature than MsS. MADDICK never drew breath, though a
woman as has her faults, for she will let her tongue run that fist, ias
carries her off her legs, as the sayin' is, and the things as she told me
about that young BARTLEMAN a-carryin' on with LucY BOND a-knowin'
him to be a married man and yet a-dancin' and a-flirtin' with him, as
is going's on as I'don't hold with, and so I said, but when she come to
say a lot more about everybody, a-runnin' down one and takin' up
another, till atlast I says, "Mas. MADMCK, mum, excuse me, but," I
says, "the dog as can fetch can carry, as the sayin' is, and I don't see
as we're a-doin' any good to ourselves nor anybody else for that matter
in talking' about their faults, as p'raps had better look at home as there's
none of us as is without faults ourselves." She says, "If you're a-
talkin' about me in speaking' of faults, I certainly never had none like
them as I'm speaking' on."
Well, then," I says, "I dare say you'd others, as is p'raps as bad."
She was up in a minnit and asks me what I means by a-talkin' like
that to her, and we was driftin' into words, as the sayin' is, when
MIADICKi he come in, and so the subject dropped, and we had tea quite
early for to be ready for to set out for Clapham Common, as MADDICK
said was the best place for to see the company.
Of all the rough characters as ever I see out of town it was along
that road. And the scrougin' and pushin' as there was made it very
unpleasant, particular to me as had a pair of shoes that big that they
wouldn't keep on comfortable, and MAnnaeiK is a man as walks like a
railway, and all up hill was trying' to the breath, and boys coini'
along a-shovin' and a-drivin' till at last I was obliged for to stop and
put my back agin soine railin's, for to recover my breath and pull my
shoes on proper.
Well, I was a-takin' on it easy, when all of a sudden I gets a drive
from behind as ketched me in the bend of the knee, and down I sat,
as anyone naturally would, and it's a mercy as it were a prambulator
as caught me, though I did sit on the children's legs as didn't hurt them,
though naturally terrified. But of all the low-lived coasters as was
driving' that prambulator I never did, and the female as was with him
the abuse as they give in to.
"Come out of the prambulator," hollars he; "you'll smash the
I says, "It was you as throwed me on 'em, as did ought to be
ashamed on yourself, a-actin' that serreptitious behind my back, as
might have ended serious through me a-fallin' 'eavy." Says the
female, for a woman I won't call her, It's my belief as you sit down
malicious, a-thinkin' for to get taken up the 'ill."
What," I says, "me ride in your rubbishin' prambulator as you've
made out of a old dust cart, I should say, by the look on it," for it
wasn't a rcg'lar prambulator, but a rough hand-barrow like. So says
he, "It's lucky as it's pretty tough or you'd have smashed it, and I'd
a-made you pay; as did ought to stand a pot as it is."
Well, MADDICK come up and took me away just then as they was
a-gettin' downright nasty over it, and the children a-roarin' like bulls
though not hurt; as how should they be, me only just a-settin' light
by their feet, as was whipped up agin in no time by their mother as
strong as a horse, as the saying' is.
I was gladwhen we got to the Common, though crowded up a good
deal. I'm sfre the shay-carts as was overtook in liquor was enough
to make anyone stare, with parties dressed out in 'em, as you might
have expected carriages and pairs at the very least.
I'm sure them GREENWOOD gals looked that bold in their father's
cart, with the name in gold letters, as I would not have gone out in
myself, and a-drinkin' ale at a public-house door with their clothes
regular ruined with 'dust, and their hair regularly powdered. And as
to old GREENWOOD, as is a butcher, he couldn't set straight though
a-holdin' the reins as was a downright farce, not as the horse was
likely to run away, for if ever I see a animal dead beat, as the saying'

is, he was standing' in them sharps as the weight behind made slick up
to above his head, and seemed to be a-liftin' him oil' his logIs.
We was a-standin' quiet a-lookin' at the four-horseo coaches and
other conveniences as was coming' on that thick as soon imsid 'ill pull
up, and the way parties was a-goin' on made me downright later,
with wails over their 'ats and little Dutch dulls stuck inll 'cili.
Well, there was a large party in a open carriage as was stopped, a-
laughin' rather wild, and I must say, though dressed clhgant .secied
to me a little on. I was a-standin' oni a heap by thelo readsid v as brought
me on a level with that carriage.
"I'm sure they've 'ad enough," I says in a whisper to Mus.
MADDICK, as couldn't 'ave been laudable in their cars, when I s'o) tlhei
take more wine out of a basket and begin to drink free. So sa.ys i
bold gal, You'd like a drop, wouldn't you P "
I didn't make no answer, but only give her a look as made her bunst
out a-laughin', and speak to one of the me as was with her. So h
looks at me and says, Rather ? Why she's a regular old woodcock for
suction." I couldn't stand that, so I says, "You may jeer, but," I
says, "when I do want drink I can get it, and honest too."
I hadn't hardly got the words out when I got a shower of peas
right in my face as thick as hail pcltin'. 1 was blil dd fir the
moment, but soon recovered my pieseonco of mind so as to svo tlh fclliw
as had done it and was up in the dickey. So I ups with my msbinrllhr
and give him one for hissolf as sent him sprawling' over, and just thlin
aill the carriages began to move on.
Of all the shriekin'as ever you heard it was downright drowning' to tlhe
senses, and I'm sure I screamed as loud as any one tlhroughl 'avin' ,ee
the cause; but, bless you, he'd fell light, as them in liquor always dtois,
and MAnIoecK ho caught hold of me und hurried mo away, a-saylii',
"'Pon my life, Mius. BisOWN, you'll get yourself into serious trouhlo'
if you will make that free with your umbreller." I says, lDo yii
think as I'm a-goin' to be insulted like that, and no onu to take my
part, as if I'd had a man with me would a-done it."
Who are you a-sayin' is no man V" says Mus. MAnDICmi, a-bristlin'
up. I says, "Never you mind what I'm a-sayin', as don't concern
you," and turns away from her.
I'm sure the dust and the noise was that unpleasant as I wished
myself home, and boein' hurt with the MADDICKS' remarks I wlkis (o
by myself, and who should come up but BAuxES and JANE, Ui- is
BnOWN's sister, in a four-wheel shay.
"Who'd a. thought of soon' you here ?" says they, as we wore
a-goin' to call on in our way home, through 'avin' loIs of cold imoit in
the basket, and thought as he'd take supper with." Well, I wn that
hurt with the way as thle MADDICKS had treated ini that I says,
"Do so." Well, then," says they, you'd better got into the seat
I was that tired as I wasn't sorry for the chance. So in I got
though dreadful squcezy work through the baHskit not a-lhaviii' no
room for my legs, and the seat that small as I were more outside than
in. If I'd had the least consumption of what I should have had to
suffer, nothing' in this world would have got me into the back of that
shay ; for, bless you, what with the boys a-flickin' at me with whips,
a-jumpin' up behind and a-bonnotin' me, and rough characters a-peltin'
at me, I never had such a ride. My bonnet was reg'lar sinsls'd, I
was hollared at and pelted shameful, parties a-lhoutin out as I should
be the death of the horse. One fellow bawls out, lioro's a sack of
fat." Another says to BAtiNEs, Hold hard, there's the back of your
shay a-comin' off," as he treated derisive, when just then if tlhe polo
of a carriage didn't come right over my shoulder. I gives a wiolunt
wrench for to save myself, and the seat give such a crack as made me
ketch hold of BARNES' coal collar, and pulled him sudden, as made
the horse back on to some roughs in a tilt cart, as whipped their horse
and got locked in our wheel, and in trying' to extricate it took the
wheel clean off. I felt I was a-goin' gradual, and screamed for help
through being' that terrified as I should have the shay on me, as the
basket was quite enough of a good thing on my chest, particularly as
the bottles had broke, and I felt all the liquor running' over mo. They
picked me up, but really JANE and BAnsEs was that unpleasant us
when on my legs I walked myself home, as wasn't far off, and haven't
seen nothing' of BAn rs and JANE since, nor yet 8ploke to MlIs. MAIiiICK,
as was offended in me a-goin' away; not as I considers her conduct
friendly and the best way for them as can't agree is to keep separate,
and such is my intentions, for the world's wide enough for us all, as
the sayin' is.

Birds of a Feather.
Ix the Royal Academy catalogue this year, under No. 163 our euaidrs
will be startled to learn that they will find the confession of a murder,
enquiries for the perpetrator of which have bLen made frwn the
earliest ages. Here it is:-
163. Who killed Cook Robin ... ...... 8. 'ird."
The S., of course, stands for Sparrow.

MAY 19, 1866.]



Y children, once I knew a
ny (His name was AiiCHIBALD
Whose kind papa, one
Christmas time,
Took him to see a panto-
He was a mild, delightful
Who hated jokes that
caused annoy;
And none who knew him
could complain
T That ARcrH ever gave
them pain.
But don't suppose he was
a sad,
Or serious, solemn kind of
S ? Indeed, he was a cheerful
Renowned for mild, re-
Sspectful fun.

S But, oh, it was a rueful
S_ l : When he was taken to the
-p ,-: play;
The Christmas Pantomime that night
Destroyed his gentle nature quite ;
And as they walked along the road
That led to his papa's-abode,
As on they trudged through muck and mire,
He said "Papa, if you desire
My fondest hopes and joys to crown,
Allow me to become a clown!"
I will not here attempt to show
The bitter agony and woe,
The sorrow and depression dire
Of Anciy's old and feeble sire.
Oh, ARCiIBALD," said he, "my boy,
Attention for one moment lend-
You cannot seriously intend
To spend a roving life in town,
As vulgar, base, dishonest clown.
And leave your father in the lurch,
Who always meant you for the Church,
And nightly dreams he sees his boy
That night, as ARncY lay awake,
Thinking of all he'd break and take,
If he but had his heart's desire,
The room seemed filled with crimson fire;
The wall expanded by degrees,
Disclosing shells and golden trees,
Revolving round, and round, and round;
Red coral strewn upon the ground;
And on the trees, in tasty green,
The loveliest fairies ever seen;
But one, more fair than all the rest,
Came from a lovely golden nest,
And said to the astonished boy,
I know the object of your heart-
To-morrow morning you shall start
Upon your rambles through the town
As merry, mischief-making clown!"

Next day, when nurse AMELIA called,
To wash and dress her ARCHIBALD,
She opened both her aged eyes,
With unmistakable surprise,
To find that ARCHny, in the night,
Had turned all red, and blue, and white,

Of healthy colour not a trace-
Red patches on his little face,
Black horsehair wig, round rolling eyes,
Short trowsers of prodigious size,
White legs and arms, with spots of blue,
And spots upon his body, too !
Said she, "Why, what is this, my boy ?
Your good papa I'll go and tell,
You must be dreadfully unwell,
Although I know of no disease
With any symptoms such as these."
The good old lady turned to go
And fetch his good papa, when lo!
With irresistible attack
He jumped upon her aged back,
Pulled off the poor old lady's front,
And thrashed her, while she tried to grunt,
Oh, ARCHIBALD, what have you done ?
Is this your mild, respectful fun,
You bad, ungentlemanly boy ?
Some dreadful power unseen, but near,
Still urged him on his wild career,
And made him burn, and steal, and kill,
Against his gentlemanly will.
The change had really turned his brain;
He boiled his little sister JANE ;
He painted blue his aged mother ;
' Sat down upon his little brother;
Tripped up his cousins with his hoop ;
Pat pussy in his father's soup;

Placed beetles in his uncle's shoe;
Cut a policeman right in two ;
Spread devastation round,-and, abh,
He red-hot-pokered his papa!

[MAY 19, 1866.


MAY 19, 1866.]


Be sure, this highly reckless course
Brought AuCIIIBALD sincere remorse ;
He liked a joke, and loved a laugh,
But was too well-behaved by half-
With too much justice and good sense-
To laugh at other folks' expense.
The gentle boy could never sleep,
But used to lie awake and weep,
To think of all the ill he'd done.
"Is this," said he, "respectful fun ?
Oh, fairy, fairy, I would fain
That you should change me back again;
Some dreadful power I can't resist
Directs my once respectful fist;
Change, and I'll never once complain,
Or wish to be a clown again!"
He spoke, and lo! the wretched boy
Once more was ARCHIuALD MOLLOY ;
He gave a wild, delighted scream,
And woke -for, lo, it was a dream!

A Derby Note.
ALTHOUGH the Exeter Hall people set their faces
against races-at least any races that are not coloured-
it is the merest hyprocrisy. Any one who attends the
opening of one of their meetings will see at once they
have no objection to a preliminary "canter."

The Chignon.
THE absurd habit young ladies have now-a-days of
padding the backs of their heads with horsehair, like
sofa-cushions may be briefly summed up as stuff and
IT is suggested that as the second title of the MAn-
BOROUGH the first title should be TJp-and-Downshiro.

CINQUE-INmG ouR CAPITAL.-Putting it in the Five
per Cents.

THE comedy of Society has been withdrawn from the playbills of the
Prince of Wales's, and a now three-act drama-the work of Mit.
HENRY J. BYRON-has taken its place. 100,000," the title of the new
piece, is not only an original drama, but in plot, incident, character,
and dialogue is essentially English. The interest of its story hinges
on the vicissitudes of fortune of a penniless young man of family,
and of an honest though over-speculative old tallow-chandler, and the
singularity and ingenuity of its construction is evidenced in the ex-
traordinary complication of the incidents evolved from a plot founded
on events of ordinary occurrence. Especial praise must be awarded
to the brightness and happiness of the dialogue, and to the artistic
contrast of the dramatic personce. Mr. Joe Barlow is a good-hearted
old chandler, too apt to be dazzled by glittering visions of 12 per cent,
Major Blackshaw, a chairman of Bubble Companies, who thinks him-
self a shrewd speculator when he is only a dupe, Mr. Fluker, a sharp
lawyer, with a genius for making mistakes, Gerald Goodwin, a young
man with honourable intentions, but morally a mere bit of driftwood,
and Mr. Pennythorno, a villanous compound of livery-stable keeper,
betting-man, swindler, and cad. The female characters are less power-
fully drawn. Mrs. Barlow is the type of matron familiar to modern
domestic drama, and the heroine, Alice, is impossibly self-sacrificing
and unselfish.
100,000 is a decided and unequivocal success, an honour which
the author should be content to share with the artists who so admirably
interpreted him. MIss MARIE VILTON played the devoted heroine
with charming naivevt, and Miss LAuRIN and MR. RAY made a
marked impression on their auditors as the warm-hearted, humble
shopkeepers. Mn. SYDNEY BANCROFT was gentlemanly and effective,
a rare combination on the stage, as the hero, and Mn. MONTooMERY
was as droll as usual in the small part of Pyefinch, the valet. Mu.A
CLARKE'S livery-stableman was a remarkable performance. From hat
to boot he was slang and stably, and of the mews mewsy. As much
as MR. CLARKE was "bossy," was MR. HARE sharp and legal. High-
dried, snuff-taking, restless, and ready with an unsympathetic laugh,
and a too easy acquiescence, MR. HARE made as great a bound in


public favour by his impersonation of Mr. FInker, as in Lord Ptar-
migant. MR. DEWAit, as the major, delivered platitudes with intense
profundity, and talked of his experience with the solemn relish peculiar
to the shallow. Major Blackshaw is bald, terribly bald; his head is
a thing for an enthusiastic phrenologist to dance wpon. There is not
only room enough within that shiny receptacle for the schemes of
every joint-stock company in London, but also for the ledgers, ac-
counts, letters, and reports connected therewith. Even A a. MAONT-
coMERY as he waited behind it, looked on it aghast, and doubtless
thought that Ma. DEWARi was fearfully and wonderfully made up.
A version of La Fanille Benoiton has been produced at the Adolphi.
It is an honest translation. The playbills give the name of the real
author, the piece is not announced as either new or original, and the
scene of action is Saint Cloud. So far so good. But the Fast Family
is a bad drame-comedy, whatever that may mean, for the very suffm-
cient reason that La Famille Binoiton was a bad comdzdie-drase--what-
ever that may mean. Tedious dialogues, sham satire levelled at sham
vices, and suggestions of objectionable matrimonial revelations (without
which no popular French piece is permitted to be seen upon the Eng-
lish stage by those high-minded guardians of public morality and
private virtue-the directors of the London theatres) are not the com-
ponent parts of a success. The great Adelphi "hits," The Gre'en
Bushes, The Flowers of the Forest, The Col/rcn Bawn, Janct P'ridr,
Harvest Iome, and Rip Van lVinkle were not built of such unpleasant
foreign materials.

Sonn,-I niver knew that the RivEnrENT KINGFLEY was Oirish, tl-
though I was aweer that he was born in England, until I saw the
other day that lie was after writing a book called Hlercrard the Ilake
-begorr, thin, he must have mint HIereward :.h .:,ir...L' entirely,
and if that don't prove him Oirish, I'm not Yours,
A. MunrmY.



THE old saying, that un utf is as good as a feast, is thoroughly ex-
emplified in a small work entitled How to Cook and Serve Eggs in One
Hundred Different lWfays, published by MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE. As all
dishes are excluded, in which eggs merely figure as accessories, the
list will probably contain many receipts quite new to the ordinary
British cook. A glance at the table of contents will reveal a host of
novelties. There is lait cde poule, into the composition of which, of
course, pigeon's milk enters largely; and we read also of oeufs en sur-
prise, which we suppose are in the same state as their ancestor was that
was so startled at CoLUn.u s's discovery that it stood on end. (Eufs
poches a 1'essence de canard are, it is to be presumed, served up like
salmon en papillote, in paper, which is the essence of a canard.
The authoress of this interesting volume is, we suspect, a bit of a
wag, for she says, in describing the ancient Egyptian mode of cooking
an egg,-viz.: placing it in a sling and swinging it rapidly and re-
peatedly round,-that the eggs wero "done to a turn." We feel sure
that it was only by the consideration that raw eggs-or ca'fs au natural,
as she would call them-are not included in her list, that she was pre-
vented from dedicating her book to her grandmother.
To the traveller in remote districts this handbook will be invaluable,
for it will enable him to vary his carte de visited, or "visitor's bill of
fare," at those delightful inns, where the opening promise of "any-
thing you would like for dinner dwindles down to bacon and eggs,"
of which the former is so often rancid, that it makes the traveller turn
rusty too.
But in addition to its value to the housewife and the tourist, the book
has considerable merit as a literary effort. The style is picturesque, and
the language occasionally striking, though at times a little stilted.
Thus, for instance, we are told to "immediately retire the saucepan
from the fire," which is slightly highflown, if it is not intended for
poetry, when it should be printed-
"Immediately retire
The saucepan from the fire."
That would be quite as good poetry as a great deal that we have
nowadays. But-perhaps the most marked peculiarity of style is to be
found under the head Egg Dumplings," which, we are informed,
" may be laked instead of fried, if more convenient, but the heat of the
oven should be gay !"
The book is one which people of teste will appreciate. If they do
not devour it, it will be because they have taken the edge off their
appetites by trying its receipts.

A Joke that Is-raely Good.
WHAT is the difference between the Hobroe idea of a slave and the
modern notion of a wash-hand stand ?
The former is stated to be "a hewer 'of wood and drawer of water,"
while the latter is "a drawcrof wood and ewer of water."

[MAY 19, 1866.

AIe,-" Gee, ho, Dobbin!"
I ACHIEVED my success, as a young diner-out,
Through my great conversational talents, no doubt;
For of humour and wit I was blest with a store,
And I kept the whole table, by JOVE, in a roar
With my waggery, ah!
My waggery, oh!
How the company grinned at my waggery, oh!
You could never extort a remark out of me
Which was not overflowing with quaint repartee.
And, when people thought proper to cavil or carp
At a notion of mine-I was down on them sharp
With my waggery, ah!
My' waggery, oh!
For I crushed them at once with my waggery, oh!
Among persons of genius the tone that I took
Was a mixture of JERROLD and THEODORE HooK.
And a great fund of anecdote, varied in style,
I employed among duffers to get up a smile
At my waggery, ah!
My waggery, oh!
There was often a yell at my waggery, oh !
But those days of delight are for ever gone by,
And I ean't get a meal by my wit, if I try,
For care and old age, I am sorry to say,
Have destroyed my high spirits, and bolted away
With my waggery, ah !
My waggery, oh!
I shall never see more of my waggery, oh!

[EVERYTHING is too long now-a-days, except life. The novel sends
people to sleep; the play is only interesting in the interval between
the acts; and the epic poem bores one consumedly. Why on earth
cannot writers condense ? -Thero is nothing easier. Look here-]
The hero of these volumes was born young; but the sun of Spain is
the parent of precocity. At the age of eighty-four JuAN found that
his locks were becoming slightly electro-plated, for he was not rich
enough to have them silvered.
The incidents of his career had been few but unhappy. Vaccinated
at the age of two, he had been tossed by a mad bull at the age of
three. Later in life he had loved-but in vain. Pecuniary difficulties
and perpetual indisposition had very soon done their work.
Nothing remains for us but to bid a cordial farewell to the patient
reader who has accompanied us through our tedious but instructive

ACT I.-Coe Lyttleton's Chambers.
Enter BETTY.
BETTY.-Deary me Master's coming up stairs, and the room isn't
half clean yet. Ha! what's this ? A letter, I declare. Here goes.
(She reads four pages crossed.) Then all is true. He loves her, and old
Hardfist has lent him half-a-million. Luckily, I have saved a little
money, or else-- [Exit.
AeCT. II.-The Exterior of the Court of Bankruptcy.
LYTTLETON.-I shall have my third-class certificate framed and
glazed. My grandchildren shall, at least, have one ancestor to look up
to. Hardfist, give me your hand. You have acted nobly, sir. Don't
cry, Betty. I acted for the best.
BETTY.-Well, I forgive you; and if you can only obtain the
pardon of our generous patrons in the front of the house-
I SING the changeful year, November, June,
September, April, and their thirty days;
With February's paltry twenty-eight,
And other moons possessed of thirty-one.
Yet, soft! Beseems that even-handed Justice
Grant February February's due;
For often cometh Leap-Year (one in four),
When February's days are twenty-nine !

Cnzi11eWzxThto &rrezfnbntz,

D. B., Woolwich, who sends us a bad riddle and says he has "a natural
taste for this kind of thing," is respectfully informed that we haven't.
BoB calls his contribution "a horrid joke;" he should have said "a
horridly old joke."
A PIANISTE.-We have heard people talk of playing cards, and don't
see why one may not say play music." At any rate we have heard some
people play what was not music. But this is playing the fool.
H. J., Pimlico, is informed that his joke on veterinary was a veteran ere
he was born.
WILL-O'-THE-VWiSr.-We like your skill. How about your address ?
BoDYA, Wolverhampton, sends us some old puns on Reading Sauce. We
don't want any of his sauce, as we always use Al Maakel. Finally he asks
us to "encourage modest merit," but the merit is small and the modesty
I.-" Must we with irons hot put out our eye?" ? We fear so.
D. D., Manchester.-"D. D." stands for Dono dedit, but we don't know
who did it, or we would return the lines which are too good for the waste-
paper basket.
3. M. W., Maida-vale.-For-the-we-won't-say-what-th time:-We don't
return MSS. if our conditions are not complied with. We should waste
time and waste money, whereas now we only waste paper-basket.
J. H., York-road.-We don't see that there is any particular joke m
calling a man an ass. It is more like the expression of an ass-ty temper.
DIvisEZ.-We can't guess; so you can't be our guest.
IN VINO VERITAS.-The wine is too dry for us. If such wine were in
our columns the wit would certainly be out.
Declined with thanks-O. S. G., Temple; F. W. E., Sheerness; H. E. H.,
Crawford-strect; Snooks, Glasgow; Puck; G. R., Newcastle-on-Tyne;
A. A. A., Old Kent-road; F. N., Edinburgh; G. H. L., Burton-street;
Cato; Vaurien; J. M. S.; E. A.; S. E.

NOTICE.-Now ready, the Ninth Half- Yearly Volume of EUN, being
Magenta cloth, 4s. 6d.; post free, 5s.


MAY 26, 1866.] FU N. 103


EIN HERR VON SCHiuNN was tall and thin, his mieo was grave and wise,
S. -And a pair of great green spectacles he wore to shade his eyes;
S I '' His lungs weren't strong; his hair was long; he had a brain of brains;
But to one sort of learning this scholar discerning devoted all his pains
m I .And spent all his time upon-
It was Beor-Beer-Beer,
So sparkling, bright, and clear!
Oh! this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical, bibulous
student of Bonn.
A gallon a day he held child's play-a barrel not too big,
For a very capacious throat had he and dearly loved to swig!
But, by my troth, though I am loth, from truth I must not shrink-
His pastors and masters predicted disasters for one so given to drink.
But he said to them all, "Begono!
Philosophy, like Beer,
It always should be clear,"
Said this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical, bibulous
student of Bonn.
Alas! at last his health broke fast. They called the doctors in,
S{And they prescribed cold-water cure and slops both thick and thin.
?'-^ \But he shook his head and faintly said, "I can't take water neat-
'' Yet tonic drops, with malt and hops decocted, were a treat!
-i Without it I can't got on!
I swallow nought but Beer
So foaming bright and clear,"
Said this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical, bibulous
student of Bonn.
But every one, that it mustn't be done, protested loud and long,
And he couldn't bribe the nurse to do a thing so very wrong.
And day after day he faded away, and this-if you would ask-
Was the latest word of his they hoard, "Oh, pray don't shako the cask I"
And thus reflecting upon
His Beer-Boer-Beeoor,
He quitted this mortal sphere,
Did this young metaphysical, quizzical, phlithisical, bibulous
student of Bonn.

ME. DION BOUCICAULT (whose remarkable talents, modesty, candour,
and self-sacrifice, he himself-Mn. DioN BOUCICAULT-recently bore
witness to before the Committee of the House of Commons), a week or
so ago produced a drama at Manchester, called The Parish Clerk, which
he, Mn. Dio BOUCICAULT (it is a charming name to write), has written
for the express purpose of displaying the abilities of Mn. JEFFERSON.
Although a piece produced at Manchester cannot be seen from a stall
in London, yet any intelligence of an artist of Mn. JEFFERSON's mark
is interesting-for, as we hear, Mi. JErrERSON played a part not
entirely dissimilar to "Tom Pinch," in MI. CHARLES DICKENs'S
.Martin Chuzzlewit admirably. A very marked impression was pro-
duced by MRS. BILLINGTON in the character of a gipsy woman, which
is said to be a worthy pendant to her Gretchen in Hip Van Winkle.
MR. FREDERICK YOUNGE, the gentleman who was received so favour-
ably at the Olympic in MR. JOHN OXENFORD'S comedietta of the Cleft
Stick, was selected by Mr. JFFERsoN or MitR. DION BOUCICAULT, or
both, to represent the villain of the piece-a village doctor,-and in
theatrical argot, "he hit 'em hard!" that is, he acted powerfully. From
a perusal of the plot, we should say that The Parish Clerk was an excellent
drama. Let us hope that by the gracious permission of MR. Diom
BOUCICAULT we may soon see it in London.
The Adelphi play-bills still assert in the most unblushing tpye, that
La Belle .edlneis in active preparation.
At the Princess's the Streets of London has lately been preceded by a
little lever-de-rideau, cleverly adapted by Ma. HOWARD PAUL, from
Une Soubrette de Qualiti, and called A- Zucky Hit, which forms an
agreeable medium for the display of the charms, personal and acquired,
The title of MR. BUCKINGHIAM's adaptation of MoNSIEURn FREDERIC
SOULIE'S Eulalie Pontois has been changed. Now that the piece is
called Love's Martyr, perhaps the dialogue's smarter.
We are in receipt of a protest from a person, who signs "A
Lover of Fair Play," and who, of course, shows an intense regard
for it by writing an anonymous letter. The writer complains that in
speaking of a character in Love's Martyr as being borrowed from Mrs.
Brown, we forgot to mention that that lady was herself "adopted"

from Mrs. Willoughby in The Ticket of Leave Man. This is an amusing
instance of meddlesome ignorance. The Ticket of Leave Man was pro-
duced about the Juno of 1863. Mrs. Brown made her ddbist in public
(having been long previously known to a largo private circle) in
January, 1862. After this, perhaps "A Lover of Fair Play" had
better write to the author of the French piece Leonard, (from which
The Ticket of Leave Man was adopted ") and accuse him of stealing
from Mu. TOM TAYLOR.

Right we were!
FUN, with his usual prophetic accuracy, foretold the Derby Winner
this year again! Not only did NicuOLAs nominate the right animals,
but "our artist," in the Champagne Bubbles, predicted the winner.
What could be more plain than the assertion,
NOBLE and I'EASANT will meet with delight."
Lord Lyon and Rustic both figure in the first three.
Unlike most of the Derby prophets, FUN, although he named the
actual winner, did not seek to participate in the gains of those who
followed his advice. On the contrary, he generously added to them a
still greater gain-a double number!

GREAT excitement prevailed in Ryde yesterday, owing to a report
that the PRINCE or WALEs was in the neighbourhood. The mistake
arose from the statement of a gentleman, who, riding home the horse
of a friend who had fallen off, gave himself out to to the successor
to the thrown."
WE have just been informed, by one competent to know, that one of
the most lucrative positions is that of a tea-taster. We can easily
believe it is much more so than that of Poetaster, but that it is worth
fifty-thousand pounds a-year is a draught difficult to swallow; and
suggests the remark that such a sum must come out of the measure so
well known as a P'ekoe Lies.



[MAr 26, 1866.

oton Lh.

OR-- a Derby Day, the City last Wednesday
was very full. The panic is a thing of
the past possibly, but business is uncom-
fortably pressing, and for once, men have
felt little inclination for champagne and
lobster salads. They have had too many
Downs (and too few Ups) for the com-
mercial world to care about the Epsom
ones. There is no necessity for me to
enlarge on the race. That "good and
gifted old man, Nicholas," whose return
It l to Belgravia may, I suppose, be reckoned
on shortly, will no doubt enlarge on that
theme in his graphic style, which may be
briefly described as "horsey Carlylese."
What a number of important events
have been crowded into the last few days!
Therehave been apolitical crisis, financial
panic, a foreign complication and a double
number of Fun all within a remarkably
short space of time. The attempted as-
sassination of BisMAncx has flung a tem-
porary halo round the hitherto unpopular
minister. People have even gone into big
panegyrics about the courage of a man
who of course felt perfectly safe in his suit
of mail! But I hope I shall not be mis-
understood to mean that I approve of the
attempt to murder him. Apart from the
inherent wickedness and cowardice of as-
sassination, I consider it impolitic. It
injures the cause it would promote.
What would the admirers of Blind justice
say if the tables were turned and the Aus-
trians were to hire someone to attempt the
life of GAmnauLD-whose red shirt, I'll
stake my hand, does not conceal any chain
I hope the negrophilists will be happy
now that they have hounded one honest
gentleman and gallant soldier to an un-
timely end. If I disapprove of BLIND's
revolver,.I disapprove no less the secret stabs, the lying attacks, and
the: unscrupulous malignity with which Englishmen have been
pursued for doing their duty to their Queen and country. The
death of poor HonBs, however, only adds one more to a long list of
murders which lie at the door of the Exeter Hall party. Every
drop of English blood shed in Jamaica is due to their unreasoning
and interested agitation.
The case of Theatres versus Music-halls" is still being argued
before the Committee, and some of the evidence has been most amus-
ing. I hope the result will be to establish Free Trade, which will
benefit both parties-the theatres in spite of themselves. I have often
mentioned the Oxford, as it deserves, in terms of praise. The enter-
tainment it offers is cheap and good, and the result is that the audi-
ences are large and orderly to a degree. I dropt. in to see the Alham-
bra the other day. It is certainly the most wonderful shilling's worth!
The ballets are picturesque, the singing of the opera selections good,
and FLOYi'S impersonation of a woman very clover-and whatis mote,
quite free from coarseness. If a separate entrance were but contrived
to the Reserved Seats there is no earthly reason why the most fastidi-
ous should not witness the Alhambra performances from beginning to
end. No wonder, when the Music Halls can offer entertainment so
cheap, so varied, and so unobjectionable, that they should be opposed
by the theatrical managers and be denounced by the proprietor of Cre-
morne and the entrepreneur of the Menken!
Although not of a destructive turn of mind, I have examined with
interest a newly invented breech-loading repeater, the invention of
Mr. GALE, who discovered the secret of rendering powder non-explo-
sive. One great advantage of the new plan would be that, while the
soldier is enabled to keep his rifla for parade and drill, it is impossible
for hidm to secrete a cartridge for the purpose of shooting an officer.
Another is that the machinery is so simple that a cannon on this prin-
ciple with a lanyard attached to the trigger, might be let off any num-
ber of times at an advancing enemy by a retreating gunner-which
from my non-combatant point of view seems the very perfection of
fighting. The principle is very simple-the charges are contained in
a slide which moves across the breech of the barrel, just as a glass

does across the lens of a magic lantern, only it throws a ball instead
of a reflection. The mere pulling of the trigger discharges the barrel
and brings up the next cartridge. As a protection against house-
breakers it is perfect and could be manned-or rather womanned by
the most timid female.
The latest thing I have seen in the way of a measure for reforming
Parliament is a letter addressed to The Grocer. I haven't had time to
read it yet, but from the heading I imagine it must be very interesting.
It is entitled Dr. Scoffern's process for refining sugar and the British
Government." This is nearly as funny as Lloyds' last week announc-
ing that "Prince TECK and Prince IlArY OF CAMBRIDGE were to be
married on the llth of June.
Science is looking up! I saw in the Chemical News the other day,
an advertisement in these terms:-
WANTED, in a private laboratory, a young Chemist as assistant. He will be
expected to carry out research, to perform commercial analyses, and occa-
sionally to wait at table. A graduate preferred. Address, etc.
A little pamphlet has just come to hand, entitled "The Why and
the Wherefore of Cattle Diseases." It is written by a Mr. WILLIAM
REID, of GRANTON, to advocate the use of a new cattle truck, one of the
chief advantages of which is that it supplies water for the thirsting
animals. The notion is a good one. A cut on the cover shows the
truck, and is entitled "A Step in Advance in the Cause of Humanity."
But if Mr. W's motives were purely humane, why did he patent his
invention ? Such a step will hinder its general adoption, and as (to
judge from the prospectus and advertisements which he incorporates
with his humane advocacy) he is in a large way of business, he might
have given the beasts the benefit of it.
I have received a pamphlet, written by Mn. W. C. BENNETT, which
argues the necessity and advantage of having ballads on the great
events of our age, as the best form of history. There is a good deal to
be said in favour of such a proposition, but there's one fatal obstacle.
Ballads can't be turned out to order by the. dozen. They must be
spontaneous-and they must also be a very great deal better than the
specimens which accompany the pamphlet!

COM live with me, and be my love,"
It is not much that I can offer,
But all that I possess, sweet dove,
For your acceptance now I proffer:
Of course you would not mind it, dear,
My revenue is far from stately,
Per annum just two hundred clear-
My salary has risen lately.
"Come live with me "-in some now home
Built up with economic quickness,
Where draughts and winds can always come,
With walls of mere brown paper thickness;
Whose chimneys never cease to smoke,
Whose pipes perpetually need mending--
With drains in chronic state of choke,
With gas on which there's no depending!
"Come live with me "- one common will
Our mutual love shall order duly-
That love which in December chill
Shall warm our hearts like summer truly.
Some PHYLLIs neat, if she be so-
Shall love our needs to be supplying,
Yet maids of all work-well we know!-
Are sluttish, fond of stealing, lying!
What, if sometimes our dinner's cold,
Our meat is very far from tender,
And painfully the fact we're told
That after all our income's slender?
WVe still can love-oh! bliss to speak!
Yet have I found, poor feeble sinner!
Our human nature is so weak,
There is a great deal in a dinner!
"Come, live with me and be my love! "
My life 'tis true is rather shady,
But while there is a sun above,
Of course I still shall love you, lady!
Still think of this, my gentle maid,
If I'm not PLUTUS you're not VENUS,
But nothing that I now have said,
Of course will interfere between us!

MAY 26, 1866.]


ACT I.-Interior of Miss SIMMs's SIouse. Miss SIMMS discovered buy-
ing lace of a very haberdashing young man.
Miss SIMMS.-How much F
HABERn. Y. M.-Millions of francs per inch.
Miss SIms.-Then I will have it all. Have you anything else
that is expensive ? If so, I will buy it.
Enter Miss GODSALL and Miss SEAMAN is ballet dresses.
Miss GODnALL.-Miss Simms, what relation am I to you ?
Miss SI Ms.-I don't know: they only give the Christian names in
the bill.
Miss SEAMAN.-Oh, somebody pray tell us whose relations we all
Enter -MR. EBURNE.
Miss GODSALL.-Oh, Mr. IEburne, are you my brother? If not,
what are you F
MR. EBURNEN-Well, I don't think I am your brother, because I
have to to run away with you in the thirJ act.
Miss SEAMAN.-Then perhaps you are my brother ?
Ma. EBaONE.-Well, but ain't you Miss Grodsall's sister?
Miss SEAMAN.-Goodness only knows! But here comes Mr. Bed-
ford, with a peculiar wig; perhaps he can enlighten us.
Enter MA. BEDFORD, with a peculiar wig, and MR. TOOLE.
Mres GonsALL.-Oh, Mr. Bedford, who are we ? Are you my father ?
MR. BEDFron.-No, dear boy, dear boy-I meandear girl-not yet,
dear girl, but I shall be soon, for my son Toole is going to marry you,
dear girl. Where is Ben Hoyton ?
PHILIPrs.-Ah, Toole! Want my daughter, eh ?
TooLE.-Well, how much with her, if I take the whole of her ?
PHILLTrr.-Millions of francs. I forget how many.
TooLE.-Let's see (calculates). Twice one's two-twice two's four,
twice three's six-twice four's eight-twice five's ten-twice six is
twelve, twice seven's fourteen.
OuasELvEs.-Oh, hang it, I knew that years ago.
[Exit for some beer.
An interval of twenty minutes. Re-enter OURSELVES.
TooLE.-Twice seven thousand and two's fourteen thousand and four
-twice seven thousand and four's fourteen thousand and eight-twice
seven thousand and eight, fourteen thousand and sixteen. Ha, very
good ;-then I'll have her.
MRS. MELLON.-How extravagant everybody is!
MB. BILLINoroN.- Will somebody tell me who I am ?
MIss SimMs.-You are my husband. By kind permission of B.
Webster, LEsq.
Ma. BILLINGTON.-But who else ? A fellow's something more than
his wife's husband, I hope.
Miss SismM.-Oh no he isn't.
MR. TOOLE (for some reason best known to himself).-HA I HAVE
ACT II.-The same.
Enter Miss SEAMAN and Miss GODSALL, still in ballet dress.
Miss GoDSALL.-We -have been insulted at the races. Miss Seaman
was taken for a rope-dancer, and I for a tambourine girl!
LIZ, [Exeunt, shrieking.
Enter Mns. MELLON and Miss SIMMs.
Mas. MELLON (to audience).-We have a scene of five-and-forty
minutes together; but I'm sure you'll excuse us if we omit it. It
consists only of a tirade against extravagance-and as you've all come
with orders, it can't possibly apply to you.
AUDIENes.-Hear! Hear !
MR. BILLINGTON (to Miss Simms).-Henrietta, I have a colossal
fortune, but I mean to cut you down to sixpence a week, and find
Miss SimMs.-Nay, that were ungenerous.
MIR. BILLINGTON.- Here is a bill at six months for the first week's
allowance. Go and get it discounted.
Miss SImMs.-But I have just ordered some lace which has cost
MR. BILLINGTON.o-Then you, and not I, must pay for it.
Miss SiumM.-I will. [Exit to pay for it.
MRas. MELLON (to audience).-At this point occurs a speech of twelve
lengths : it means nothing-will you have it ? I think not, eh ?
AUDIENeE.-By no means, dear Mrs. Mellon.
Enter MA. TOOLE.
MR. TooLm.-Twice seven's fourteen, twice eight's sixteen, twice
nine's eighteen. HA! I HAVE MISSED ANOTHER POST!
[Exit MR. TOOL.

ACT IlL.-The same.
Enter MIn. ASuLEY.
Mu. ASHLEY.-Will somebody kindly toll me who I am?
Ma. BILLINGTON.-I will. You are my early friend[!
[ Weeps over him,.
Mu. ASuLEY.-But am I nothing else ?
MR. BILLINOTON (choking with sobs).-Nothing whatever.
[Exeunt, fondling.
Miss SIMMs.-The lace is mineo!
MHS. MELLON (seeing it all at a glance).-lIa! then you love Mr.
Ashley ?
Miss SIMMS.-Never--but, stay-these twenty letters will explain
(Gives one thin piece of the flimisiest tissue paper. lhy tissue paper ?
You'll see.)
Mn. BILLINGTON.-Ilenrietta, how did. you contrive to pay for tlh
lace ?
Miss SIMMS.-Nover you mind! Ugh! [Malkes a file.
Mu. BILLINGTON.-This ingenious subterfuge shall not avail you.
I insist upon knowing all about it.
MIss SIMMs.-Novor [Erit h11ss SIsIMnS.
Mil. BILLINGTON.-Mrs. Mellon, late Miss 'Woolgar, you know all
about this.
MRns. MELLLON.-Nay. (Mirkb's a gigantic attempt to rovneral the tissue
paper; but her frantic .struggles to effect this are unavailing.)
AMR. BILLINGTON.-lHa! You are endeavouring, but in vain, to con-
ceal those twenty letters! Give them to me.
Mts. MrELLON.-Never! (''They struggle for the tissue paper.)
RUDE Boy IN THE GALLERY.-Swaller it, mum 1
Mus. MELLON (to rude boy).-Nover! Ila a thought! (Burns it
in a candle. It is consumed in a momentt)
Mil. BILLINGTON.-IIa! destroyed! (Now you see why it was tissue
paper.) Then my wife is carrying on a flirtation with Mr. Ashloy I
(Recklessly confusing his metaphor in the agony of the moment.) Tho
flame of that piece of tissue paper has extinguished the last spark of
hope in my distracted breast !
Enter Mn. Tooir.
Ml. TooLr.-Twice nine's eighteen, twice ton's twenty. Ila 1
ACT IV.-Apartment in the house of Mrs. Mellon. (Bly kind permis-
sion of e!jaimin Webster, Esquire.)
Enter MR. BILLINOTON and Mus. MismiON.
MR. BILLINGTON.-Agony! Despair! Remorse! -I should] say
MAlas. MELLON.-Be comforted.
Mui. BILLINGTON.-I firmly, but respectfully decline.
[Exit Mal. BiLLsNaTON.
.Enter Miss Sigms.
MeB. MMELLON.-Toll me all about it!
Miss Simms.-I will. Mr. Ashley once lent me half-a-crown to put
into a wheel of fortune at Margato, that's all!
MRs. MELLoN.-I believe you, my boy (By kindpc',rmission of Jaul
Bedford, Esquire.)
Entder Mu. ASInLY.
MR. ASHLEY.-Yes. That is all.
Mai. BILLINGTON (doubtfully).-Can that be all?
Mn. BEDFOnD (decidedly).-It can not be all.
Enter ila. EnUIINE.
MR. EnuRNE (argmentatively).-It may be all!
MRS. MELLON (positively).-It is all!
AUDIENCE (to each other).-Thank goodness, it is all. (They brush
their hats, and pack up their opera flasees.)
Mus. 3)lLLON:-You all see, from what has occurred, the Folly of
L r ,. ,r,. .
M I.. I.... r -And of MissiN ANOTnmot POST!!!

Discretion and Valour.
Mrcu dissatisfaction has been expressed at the inaction of the
PBrli',h :dmiral during the bombardment of Valparaiso. But the
British admiral no doubt remembered how England appreciates zeal
in her servants. The recollection of EYun's treatment most probably
reminded our naval representative that now-a-days "Discretion is the
better part of Valour-paraiso."


This is our Art-Critic, whose sight is as short as his stature. He is vainly endeavetiring to attend to his duties. Now, could not the dear creatures
find some other place to talk over their bonnets and their neighbours ?

MR. Editor, my worthy friend, huzza Lot the welkin ring with
jovial echoes! Let the joybells from a hundred steeples go clanging
away, like-like mad! Let the beacon-fires be turned on immediate!
And ye, thou sportive public, which was true and faithful to the
Prophet whilst under a temporary cloud, fear not as I will desert thee
now when NICHOLAS, speaking figurative, is a-lying down upon his
back and basking in the effulgent radiancy of that glorious Orb of
Day, known to men of science as the solar sphere.
His heart is in the right place, my good sir, and can'feel for another.
He have stood the bitter blasts of poverty, not to mention MRS. Cauirrs,
than whom perhaps a better old soul though a little not suited to
NICxoLAs in his present fashionable orbit. He have likewise known
what it is to eat the bread of dependence at the table of a vulgar,
a purse-proud, and a stuck-up relative, and which I have often men-
tioned so, but will now wash my hands off of him. Go to, ye pam-
pered old skinflint!
Perhaps, my good young man, we had better put it all into little
chapters, which make a countrybution look pictorial and variedsome.
But, first of all, I say again, huzza!
It will be within the recollection of the Sportive Public that, at one
period of his professional career, NICHoLAS was not particularly Bar-
celona nuts upon Lord Lyon. After my almost unprecedented success
of Wednesday, I have no occasion to put a gloss upon the facts of the
case, nor was the Prophet ever addicted to telling gross and wilful
falsehoods when the truth seemed likely to answer as well. But
whilst for some time he hesitated to say positive that the Lyon would
be first, he kept on throwing out hints, which he hopes yon may have
acted on, my worthy editor, and yomy subscribers, as I did so myself.
Turn, however, to your New Serious, page 94, and what do you find
wrote down in poetry verses ? And, dear sir, if you had any letters of

gold, now would be your time to republish in that expensive but
suitable medium,
"Which, rrFST OF ALL, appears that sturdy scion
Of Stockwell and of Paradigm, LOD LYON !
The betting being the Baitk of England to a button,
In favour of the property of MR. SUTTON!"
There, do you call that a prophecy, or dost you not ?
So much for the first: and, sir, if you will just order one of your
other contributors, than whom perhaps a better set of fellars for their
station in life, though a little-well, well, never mind!-if, sir, you
will tell him to look back to a previous number, it will there be trium-
phantly avouched that almost at the time when he was being driven
nowhere in the betting, NICHOLAS sent you
for a place. As to the absolute third, the Prophet need scarcely re-
mind his readers that he has all along, through good report and evil
reporters, been constant in his asseverations that amongst the first three
would be found
And here, sir, the Prophet might be allowed to pause, and rest upon
his laurels, speaking, of course, metaphorically, it being far too uncer-
tain weatherto go sleeping about in the open air. To have named the
first, second, and third in the great national, and I may even say
hippical contest of the year would in itself be ample to satisfy what
my friend BEN DrIHAELI-there's a statesman for you !-calls "a
generous anml'itn."
But, vir, I did more! Idid!
And this, ye athletic men of merry, merry England, is the way in
which I poetically commended to your notice the absolute fourth:-

"One more outsider would make all things pleasant,
Suppose, accordingly, the KNIGHT OF THE CRESCENT !
My clear and definite prophecy-combined with the excellent

]F UN iN-MAY 26, 1866.


The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street:-" NOW, MY YOUNG FRIENDS, LET THIS BE A WARNING TO YOU