Front Cover
 Title Page
 September 16, 1865
 September 23, 1865
 September 30, 1865
 October 7, 1865
 October 14, 1865
 October 21, 1865
 October 28, 1865
 November 4, 1865
 November 11, 1865
 November 18, 1865
 November 25, 1865
 December 2, 1865
 December 9, 1865
 December 16, 1865
 December 23, 1865
 December 30, 1865
 January 6, 1866
 January 13, 1866
 January 20, 1866
 January 27, 1866
 February 3, 1866
 February 10, 1866
 February 17, 1866
 February 24, 1866
 March 3, 1866
 March 10, 1866
 Back Cover

Group Title: Fun ...
Title: Fun
Full Citation
Permanent Link: http://ufdc.ufl.edu/UF00078627/00009
 Material Information
Title: Fun
Physical Description: Serial
Language: English
Publisher: Published for the proprietors.
Place of Publication: London
Frequency: weekly
Genre: periodical   ( marcgt )
Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series.
Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901.
Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885.
General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
 Record Information
Bibliographic ID: UF00078627
Volume ID: VID00009
Source Institution: University of Florida
Rights Management: All rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier: aleph - 001116635
oclc - 01570308
notis - AFL3415
lccn - 06011009

Table of Contents
    Front Cover
    Title Page
        Title Page
        Page iii
        Page iv
        Page 1
    September 16, 1865
        Page 2
        Page 3
        Page 4
        Page 5
        Page 7
        Page 8
        Page 9
        Page 10
    September 23, 1865
        Page 11
        Page 12
        Page 13
        Page 14
        Page 15
        Page 17
        Page 18
        Page 19
        Page 20
    September 30, 1865
        Page 21
        Page 22
        Page 23
        Page 24
        Page 25
        Page 27
        Page 28
        Page 29
        Page 30
    October 7, 1865
        Page 31
        Page 32
        Page 33
        Page 34
        Page 35
        Page 37
        Page 38
        Page 39
        Page 40
    October 14, 1865
        Page 41
        Page 42
        Page 43
        Page 44
        Page 45
        Page 47
        Page 48
        Page 49
        Page 50
    October 21, 1865
        Page 51
        Page 52
        Page 53
        Page 54
        Page 55
        Page 57
        Page 58
        Page 59
        Page 60
    October 28, 1865
        Page 61
        Page 62
        Page 63
        Page 64
        Page 65
        Page 67
        Page 68
        Page 69
        Page 70
    November 4, 1865
        Page 71
        Page 72
        Page 73
        Page 74
        Page 75
        Page 77
        Page 78
        Page 79
        Page 80
    November 11, 1865
        Page 81
        Page 82
        Page 83
        Page 84
        Page 85
        Page 87
        Page 88
        Page 89
        Page 90
    November 18, 1865
        Page 91
        Page 92
        Page 93
        Page 94
        Page 95
        Page 97
        Page 98
        Page 99
        Page 100
    November 25, 1865
        Page 101
        Page 102
        Page 103
        Page 104
        Page 105
        Page 107
        Page 108
        Page 109
        Page 110
    December 2, 1865
        Page 111
        Page 112
        Page 113
        Page 114
        Page 115
        Page 117
        Page 118
        Page 119
        Page 120
    December 9, 1865
        Page 121
        Page 122
        Page 123
        Page 124
        Page 125
        Page 127
        Page 128
        Page 129
        Page 130
    December 16, 1865
        Page 131
        Page 132
        Page 133
        Page 134
        Page 135
        Page 137
        Page 138
        Page 139
        Page 140
    December 23, 1865
        Page 141
        Page 142
        Page 143
        Page 144
        Page 145
        Page 147
        Page 148
        Page 149
        Page 150
    December 30, 1865
        Page 151
        Page 152
        Page 153
        Page 154
        Page 155
        Page 157
        Page 158
        Page 159
        Page 160
    January 6, 1866
        Page 161
        Page 162
        Page 163
        Page 164
        Page 165
        Page 167
        Page 168
        Page 169
        Page 170
    January 13, 1866
        Page 171
        Page 172
        Page 173
        Page 174
        Page 175
        Page 177
        Page 178
        Page 179
        Page 180
    January 20, 1866
        Page 181
        Page 182
        Page 183
        Page 184
        Page 185
        Page 187
        Page 188
        Page 189
        Page 190
    January 27, 1866
        Page 191
        Page 192
        Page 193
        Page 194
        Page 195
        Page 197
        Page 198
        Page 199
        Page 200
    February 3, 1866
        Page 201
        Page 202
        Page 203
        Page 204
        Page 205
        Page 207
        Page 208
        Page 209
        Page 210
    February 10, 1866
        Page 211
        Page 212
        Page 213
        Page 214
        Page 215
        Page 217
        Page 218
        Page 219
        Page 220
    February 17, 1866
        Page 221
        Page 222
        Page 223
        Page 224
        Page 225
        Page 227
        Page 228
        Page 229
        Page 230
    February 24, 1866
        Page 231
        Page 232
        Page 233
        Page 234
        Page 235
        Page 237
        Page 238
        Page 239
        Page 240
    March 3, 1866
        Page 241
        Page 242
        Page 243
        Page 244
        Page 245
        Page 247
        Page 248
        Page 249
        Page 250
    March 10, 1866
        Page 251
        Page 252
        Page 253
        Page 255
        Page 256
        Page 257
    Back Cover
Full Text



PA .1

P U e wr u
pip g

win ki e


won-, I





TiE SPEAKER took the chair at four o'clock.
On the order for the second reading of the House of Commons Improvement Bill,
MI. TITE said that the improvement contemplated by the Bill was really most useful. It was true that several poor
members would be dispossessed, but no doubt the Metropolitan Board would compensate every one that might be put out.
LonD R. MONTAGUE said he was very much put out about it.
Mu. DoBnsos explained that the Noble Lord's case had been contemplated, and would be provided for.
MI. BRiIGHT said he had long' advocated the entire removal of that mass of buildings, and hoped the improvement would be
extended to a neighboring House, which he should like to see improved off the face of the earth. (Hear, hear, fromIMR. MILL.)
THE CILANCELLOR OF TIE EXCIIEQER said that Government would adopt the same course as in the case of the Cattle
Bill, and that, therefore, after the speech of the lIon. Member for Birmingham, the Bill would be withdrawn.
The second reading was accordingly postponed.
MR. NEWDEGATE presented a petition from the inhabitants of the Faroe Islands, praying that a Roman Catholic Chapel in
the Isle of Wight might be endowed by a public grant. Also, a petition against the Income Tax from fourteen inmates of
Lambeth Casual Ward.
THE O'DONOGIIUE presented a petition from BILL SIKES, CHARLIE BATES, the late lamented MR. FAGAN, and others, praying
that the police force might be disbanded as an unconstitutional force; also, from three Fenians at Pentonville, praying that a
sum of money might be granted to them in consideration of the prize-money they might have got if the rebellion had boon
allowed to proceed.
Petitions praying for legislature on their tenure of land wore presented by Mn. D. GRIFFITI from the inhabitants of the
light-vessel at the Noro, and the crow of the Eddystono Lighthouse.
Sin GEORGE GREY, who was received with great attention, said it was his duty to lay before the House the long-promised
measure for reforming the electoral system of this kingdom. That measure he might state was well matured (hear), it was the
result of a lifetime, the lifetime of one of the earliest Reformers. As his esteemed friend MA. Cox no longer sat in that Houso,
he need hardly say he did not mean LUTHER or RIDLEY. (Name.) lie referred to a Noble Lord in another place. This
measure was not crude and revolutionary trash of Brummagem manufacture, which-
MR. BRIGHT said he rose to order.
SIR GEORGE GREY : You always do! But I won't be ordered about by you.
MR. DBRIGT said he rose to order. An attack had been made on a gifted and glorious constituency, and he would not sit


still and hear it. The Government Bill was a sham, but he would warn gentlemen in that House and peers in another place,
that a time was coming when taking example from the free republic of the United States, the people of this country would
have a Reform Bill, and, brooking no further delay, in the words of the EARL OF ERUSSELL, would wrest and be thankful!
MUn. DISRAELI rose to call the last speaker to order. The United States were but the child of yesterday, and it was not to
them that we must turn to learn how to build up history. It was to that fine and highly developed race which, flowing from
Caucasus like a revivifying stream, had permeated the traditions of the globe, that we must look for lessons in statecraft.
SIn E. B. L. B. L. B. LYTT'ox agreed with the last speaker, that we must look to Tefiled races for example. The Iliterato
and the Unenfranchised are Identical. It is The Truthful which alone is The Beautiful, and he shol: d therefore qp.:.'w the
first reading. 1
iTHs CrJANCELLOR OF THTE E xe Qt n said there were three courses open to the rouse. They might .either 49 the right
thing, do the wrong thing, or do nothing at all. Against the last-named course he s w three argumepnts, namely tt, jit was
wrong, that it was weak, and that it was not doing anything-which was unconstitti.onal. There were three reaspnQ .hy they
should do the wrong thing: first, because it was a stupid thing to do; secondly, 1-:. :auEE, while there was only one wy ,o 4 i
thing lightly, there would be several-he would say, for the sake pf argument, three-ways of doing it wrongly, anptq e.fpre,W
the chances were three to one in favour of the latter. And, lastly, there was this reason for their doi.g it wrongly-tthat t.hy
usually did so. But, on the other hand, there were three reasons for nqt doing it thus, and, in addition, three reaspp for .9ig
the right thing, because it was right, proper, and convenient to adopt that alternative.
At this part of the CnIANCELLOR's speech the SPEAKER retired for a glass of Sherry and g biscuit. The H.. a:.- resolved
itself into Committee of Supply and followed his example. On his return, the House resumed jts discussion pn
ME. jEv, the Representative of Common Sense, and M.P. for all the W9orld, rose an said, amid continues pcpering,
that he was prepared with a measure which he thought wopud meet the approval of the House. Tt had long been azn0owleged
that fth best extension of the franchise was one based on an educational qualification-(hear, hear)-but the diffi.u4ty had been
to bring that qualification to bear practically. The machinery hail not been invented, in short-(hear, heap)--by which
intelligence and education could be weighed in the electoral balance. (Loud cheers.) It was also desirable that f ,addition to
intelligence and education, the possessor of the franchise should have some material stake in the country. (Hear, ear.) His
Reform Bill was the Second Volume of his New Series. Immense, and prolonged cheering.) That volume educated and
refined the intelligence of the nation. (Hear, hear.) It gave relief to the overtaxed population. (Hear, hear.) It brought a
laugh into every home, hi-h or humble, and lit a smile on every face. Hear, hear.) Who then could deny that its possession
was the long-sought qualification ? proving as it did that its pcsEcesor was educated and intelligent-and who would deny that
that possessor had a stake in the country, not only in that particular volume, valuable as it was, but in the inheritance of
future volumes. Ho maintained that the only Reform Bill woi th their attention which had been produced this Session was

ije %tcenn 'nhlnue rf the | cries oft 'fun.
The Volume was then handed to the Srm Enr. who read it with evident delight, being so strongly moved to laughter that
he was, when our reporter came away- (Left Splitting.)

EvEa since the termination of the American war, the one harassing
question, the one fatal stumbling-block to the reconstruction of society
in the far-from United States, has been the "irrepressible negro."
"What will he do with it?" has been the question asked of every
American statesman who has tackled the subject. In fact, there is no
denying it, the "gen'T'man ob colour" is politically, no less than
socially, a nuisance. That the nigger has never been "in good odour "
with his white neighbours, is a fact, to the truth of which all who have
ever visited the States can testify. But it is only since the triumph
of the abolitionist party has made the black man "more free than
welcome," that the question of his ultimate status in the common-
wealth has become such a poser.
However, we know that fools rush in where 'angels fear to tread,
and cheats, after all, are only fools with a circumbendibus." Ac-
cordingly, we find that the question which has puzzled the brains of
the wisest statesmen of America without any hope of a solution, has
been once for all settled by a quack. The black mnan is, in fact, to be
no more. The niggers are to be "improved off the face of the
earth," not, be it understood, by any wholesale scheme of extermina-
tion, not even by the theory so popular in certain quarters, of "mis-
cegenation," but simply by the performance of that which has hitherto
been proverbially deemed an impossibility. "The Ethiopian can
change his skin!" The veritable darkee is to be enabled to remove
the pigmentaryy deposits" which discolour his countenance with
scarcely any more trouble than his Christy Minstrel counterfeit can
wash off the burnt cork after his evening's performance.
The following advertisement, we are assured, is daily appearing in
all the principal American newspapers:
All Negroes white I You can become white 's recent discovery wiil
remove the pigmentary deposits from the skin, change their darkest complexion to
a bright olive, in the course of from three to ten weeks. This compound is free
from all poisonous aid irritating qualities, and although its effects are rapid, yet it
is perfectly harmless to the skin."
This is promising much, though we marvel that the advertiser
stopped where he did. Instead of a mere change from black to olive,
why not have promised a "perfect cure" at once? Why not have
gone in for the whiteness of the lily, or the absolute "pink of per-
fection ?" We know that advertising quacks are, as a rule, prepared
to swear that black is white, why then stop short at the "bright

olive ?" Or, since the fraternity are known not to be particular to a
shade, why not have endeavoured to gain a reputation for veracity by
announcing that any person trying the compound in the belief that
it would change his hue, would be not olive merely, but absolutely
"jolly green."

Wac are wooden ships as compared with iron-clads of the female
sex ?
Because they're the weaker vessels.
Why is the most fashionable clothing to be procured in the Black-
friars Road ?
Because they always have the New Cut there.
Where was MosE -No! that's an old one.

Counting your Chickens.
AMONG the novelties of the day, according to a contemporary, is a
National Poultry Company. If they can combine their Poultry with
Cheapside, in these days of bad beef, the hen-ergetic promoters may
succeed beyond their most sanguine cackle-ations.

New Series, is done,"
Said the skipper of FUN
To his crew;
"But please to reflect,
And recollect,
Our readers expect
Vol. Two
To be quite as funny and sunny and punny,"
To which they replied, "We do I- "
Our own TUPPEr, who is the author of these charming lines, had not quite
finished dashing off the hasty trifle, but promises to let us have the remainder in a
week or so's time.



[SEPTEMBER 16, 1865.

us with literature ample for study. They are -as full of infor-
TOWN TALI. nation and fiction as most of the magazines-much better illustrated
By TmE SAUMTEBER IN SocImTy. than most of them, and abound in riddles and puzzles for us ,to solve.
The Wizard of the North is one of the largest and most varied con-
o l tributors to this style of literature.
SOW little we WHEN MR. GLADSTONE proposed to tax charities there was a great
have heard of howl among the reverends, and his sound and excellent scheme had to
America since be withdrawn. Let those who thought him wrong read the account of
the close of the the management-of LoanRD CnEWE's Charity in the Observer of the 27th
war I hope- ultimo-a charity managed by clergymen. I think they will vote for
and believe taxing charities after that!
S that this science HAVE you ever been binographed ? It's very nice if rather con-
is not a sign of fusing, for you have two views of yourself in the same carte-a cart
apathy, but in- and pair, which ought to suit the most ambitious. A good many
p terest on our popular actors and actresses have been done in this way. There is
S art. Th eAmeri- TOOLE looking rather startled at his own appearance in Iei on Parle
t cans don't seem Francais, and CLARKE not certain of his own identity in War to the
to like criticim lKnife, and a host of similar mystifications, not to mention two like-
(very few people nesses of MARIE WILTON in one carte, which is charming, because one
Sgreatbody of the can nevet have too much of her.
English nation,
watching with
interest the re- OZONE.
construction of
-- the great Re- (Vide .Times of SO3thitdtimo.)
public of the Din you hear of the use of ozone, ohone ?
|- | hiworld, respects It's the best disinfectant that's known, they'vo-shown.
this sensitive- Though it doesn't appear
ness, and does To my mind very clear,
Snot pester with Yet we'll sing of the praise of ozone, ohone!
advice those it Oh we'll sing of the praise of ozone!
r Ai cannot provide
S ( with assistance., I don't quite see how it can act-in fact
J1 h But I cannot but In a room where a hundred are packed ifW' lacked:
v* think on one In a tenanted place
pointthe voice of the English nationwould be listened to-and that's, as Not a ghost of a trace
towhat isto be done withthe latePresident of the Southern Confederacy. Of the.gasithatb.is known as ozone is shown,
The United States will do well to deal leniently with him, for Davis' Noteatraceefithis useful ozone!
Straits might separate Europe from America-not from any sympathy But-if on BenNevis's top you stop,
with the Southern cause, but simply on the grounds of mercy for the But-f won n r nevis's top you atop,
vanquished. I believe, however, that the American people are too You will find of this gas there's a crop-but drop
generous not to be merciful, and expect to hear of the enlargement of To the regions below,
DAWs before long. And experiments show
IT is," says Proverbial Philosophy (by which I don't mean TurPE, Not a trace, of this useful ozone is known,
because the poor, dear old gentleman does not appear to like cheff, Not a trace of this useful ozone!
"the last straw that breaks the horse's back." JoxN BuLL is not a In a desert 'twill cover the ground, all round,
horse-he's more like another beast of burden, at present in great re- And up'in the clouds I'll be bound it's found*
quest at the seaside. But I rather hope the stalk of wheat, value two- But' O0 it's a pity
pence, which ANN FLACK, aged 70, picked as she passed through a That here in the city
cornfield, and was put into prison for stealing, will be too much even The divvle a drop of ozone is blown,
for BOu.'s patience. As usual in such cases of Justice's Justice, there Not a drop of this useful ozone!
was a parson on the bench. There's no one like -a clergyman for deal-
ing "justice and not mercy." Next session I trust this, and a few It's because I'm an ignorant chap, mayhap,
similar cases, will lead to the abolition, of County magistrates alto- And I daresay I merit a slap or rap,
gether-and an excellent reform it will be, though it won't be carried But it's never you see,
without a struggle, so many MI P.'s are also J.P.'s, and as far as Where it's wanted to be,
administrative ability goes, are as like as two P.'s, in.aither capacity. So I call it Policeman Ozone-it's known
Rip Van Winkle appears to be a genuine .success,.,and JEFsmKRON By my friends as Policeman Ozone!
a real acquisition. The only other dramatic event is the withdrawal of
Turpen's Alfred at the Haymnarket. Mu. MONTGOMERY seemed half
ashamed of his indulgence towards'tha veteran twaddler, for he only Please the Pigs.
proposed it the last night of his.season. -It was.theiswrong time of
the year, for,all the young ladies are out of .town, and they, are the THo boar which won the first priz at the lao oyal AgriCnitura
only men who admire TUPPEa. .FEOHTER is to re-qwn with a Show at Carlow has been bought by BAWoN ROTHSHIILD. Consider-
dralmitic version of Th ,ide of FEmmERisr. He will mate a ing the Baron's nationality, this purchase is pig-culiar, to say the
dramatic version of The lBiele of Larneaorezo. lie will make a least.
capital Ravenswood, I think. least.
WHAT a capital drawing-room table book The Autographic Mirror
is! It possesses for the scholar and philosopher deeper attractions, THE PERQUISITES QUESTION.
and will supply thoughtful men with ample food for reflection and THn newspapers tell us of a nobleman's steward who died recently
surmise, but it is as a drawing-room hook that it will be profitable- possessed of personal property to an amount which (unless a steward's
the public of scholars and sages is too small to be a paying one. The salary is considerably larger than we had ever imagined it to be) seems
collections well-edited, and I doubt not will' continue to keep up the enormous. The whole of his prop-rty, we are told, he has bequeathed
interest-there must be largestvres of valuable autographs somewhere; to his noble employer It is not for us to say how the steward came by
I know of several, which should he accessible. While I am on his money, but the mode iin which he has disposed of it certainly
literary matters, I may mention what real pleasure I have had in loaks auspiciously like restitution.
reading CAPERN'S Wayside Warblinis. The Bitleford Postman is a
genuine poet of nature, and while he chirps About Devonshire and A Few Lines for a Cable.
flowers and birds is simply delicious. It is pleasant to be able to give
such unqualified ,praise to a selftaught songtBr;, for such men as a Bv ONE wn1O WASN'T ON BojAD T RE A GRAT EASTERN."
rule are indifferent and impertinent versiflers. CiARaw, however, is Horns of laying the line should ne'er, I opine,
real grit." and his book should be in the hands of those who like Have sunk with the breakage a-starn;
rough diamonds. I do.o B"s LUssELL should have beentable to make a new cable,-
IN these dayd the hoardings of London are enough to supply He's a good hand at spinning a yarn.

. SEPTEiItEh 16, 1865.]


IT is not often that it is our pleasing duty to congratulate the public
on the arrival of a man of genius. It is seldom that we get anything
from America but large posters and enormous impostors. Considering
the amount of fifteenth-rate American artists who have made fortunes
here, Columbia owed us a good deal. She has paid us. For one
MR. JPrFi sow we would bear much. He would atone to us for
many Feejee Mermaids, Talking Fish, Pig-faced Ladies, Double-
tongued Kangaroos, Guinea-pigs with two tails, Anthropoglossi,
and Anthropophagi.
The Adelphi Theatre re-opened on Monday. During the recess the
theatre h s been re-embellished and decorated, and the siats re-stuftld.
It is a pity that more room has not been left between the rows of cats for
that beautiful piece of mechanism, the human leg, which is nct capabhli
of compression-no matter how intellectual the entertainment provided
for its proprietor. Rip Vcan Winkle; or, the /cSep of T, iitiy Years, is
a new Drama from the pen of Mit. BoreiCAUl'r, founded upon
\VASHINGTON IRvING'S well-known legend it is in excellent dram:,
well-conceived and put together, anit capitally written, with the ex-
ception of two carpenters' scenes," as they are called, in the last act,
which are commonplace in the extreme, and seem to belong to some
other pice, and to be the work of an inferior hand. We will not
attempt a description of the piece, which evriyvhody will he force d to
go and see-for actors of the JEFFERSON altitude are swans of the
inkiest plumage. We will merely suaigest that an imiproveminnt
might be made in the costumes of Bendrich Hudson and his spectral
crew ; the skittle-playing goblins look too positive and real-dalki blue
pilot coats and bright scarlet waistconts are slop-shoppy and com-
fortable. The ghostly garments should he of the hue of mist, with but a
faint and foggy difference between the texture and colour of coat, vest,
and knickerbockers. It would be as well, too, if the dresses worn by
the '. ....--. in the thid act, were more modern, for it would mailk
the lapse of time more strongly.
He would be a clever critic who could find a fault with MiR. JEFFrra-
soN'S performance of Rip Van Winkle-lthe graceful, drunken, good
humoured, loving and loveable Dutch scapegrace and vagabond. It
was a highly-finished picture- full of humour, pathos, human incon-
istceneties, real pains and small pleasures-no miniature ever boasted
moro delicate manipulation, and yet it is unstained by an atom of Pre-
IRtiphaelite pedantry. Rip VYn Winkle, ; ... ,, to M10i. JEFFFe.SON,
is a real man, and not a stage lay-figure, gclvanis d, nd gas-lighted,
and lime-lighted, and rouged up into a srrmblance of existence. In the
tendcrnss iand truthfulness of its ticatlmnit we werei rD minded of thel
late MRc. FAInrx ; and in its easy, naturinl Iioy;nicy--if tradition be
not fiction-old playgocis might recall nmemories of the elder EIERYv.
Rip Van 'Winkle, at the Adelphi, is extremely fortunate in his
spouse. A truer specimen of mntionly tenderness and virago temper
than Vrow Van Winkle, as Ipersonated by l ,S. BITLLINGTON, was never
seen outside the frame of a picture by TLMtEU We never thought
an n,,gentle person of the gentler (?) sex could have been so irecaclle.
It would be "something to he loved "-is the ballad says- as Rip Van
Winkle was; even at the cost of Ibeing. at times, so crowed over and
cudgelled. So Rip! IRip! Rip! Rip! II'rray for Rip Van Winkle,
for Vrow Van Winkle, and the Franulin Van 'Wiinkle, and her future
husband, "ant their families,. ant niny thi v prosper! "
Many have told of the monks of ohl what a saintly race were they;
but Fra Angelo, who dwelt near Naples, in the thirteenth century,
was certainly the worst specimen of mnonkery ever seen on any stage,
or ever read of in any boiling-hot Protestnt novel. Not only was
this villanous ecclesiastic a ruffian and a hypocrite, but lie was ugly to
a degree.
Compared to him, Quasimodo, of Notre Dame do Paris, was
beautiful as a butterfly. Nature had, as it were, ticketed him
"Dangerous!" His face was as a label* whereon is written, Beware
of a monster !" or, You are requested not to touch the model villain!"
Fra Angelo delights in murder, because it is the wrong thing to do ;
and that no species of turpitude may be wanting to complete a picture
of perfect depravity, he is the elder brother of a, Maiquis. The noble
Duke of Cerctto is aged, but proud. He desires his son Lorenzo-
who is beautiful and proud-to marry Leonora de Volgenza, who is
also beautiful and proud. But Lorenzo loves-- not to put too fine a
point upon it, and to weary our readers with unnecessary circumlocu-
tion-Another; one Marina, who is also beautiful and proud. But
Marina is lowly born, and Leonora is of the highest rank. Lorenzo
naturally prefers beauty allied to humble worth, to equal beauty and
equality of station-young men who have heen well brought up
generally do; at least, they did near Naples in the thirteenth century.
The Duke de Cen tto, the Marquis do Volgenza, and Leonora are ll
in despair, because Lorc'n;o insists on marrying Marina. What is to
be done ? Fra Angelo has an idea- it is the only idea he has, but he
makes the most of it. "Suppose," he suggests, Marina were to die

Query, libel.-ED.

by poison, then everything would go well. It need ) no tioublo to
any of you, 1'1/ do it- it will be a1 pleasure to me-tim sort of tIling I
enjoy !" The Dulilk sees it, the iMaiquis ses it,, nni evenii l.cooi a sit 5
it; and off speeds the delighted priest--joy in his ihart a'itnd aiti ic ill
his pocket.
Luckily, Leonora reflects that to lift your hIind to poison i. fellow
creature-even though she lie yotung'ri'c more ira tiliflii tichall )our-
self-is not only improper, hut unltdylike. She wr\ris to icn, o
informing him of tihe wily monk sa nefai ious int nlios. .Lol noi po-las
ofi'to prevent their fulfilniet, cidl arrivis in tlle nikii of t1ni. llalmin
is about to drink the fatal diaughit, and the cnliik is bsLitding by
delighted, because he knows that it. will disignro with Icer. l.o c nzo
seizes the cup with one hind and the fcinoat of l'ra Anglo with the
other, and tilting the contents of tiU cup )down t1im til oti, if tll hio ly
father, waits to see how hi liki s it-aii icithi, l, which icuscas la'I
Angelo to writhe with :ugony, and the audic ni to riar witi 1 mIghtI r'
Fra Angelo dies cursing. It is his niariit toi. Li mioi p.oisonst liccself,
and pardons everybody ; and Loriuzo anil his Nhlaimi ai' vcr' gli;d, for
they can be united ; and the curtain falls, uid tlie audience arie \viy
glad, for they can go out.
Such is an outline of the in,-idents of the now pl ay at lie lin lymiirkl.;
which has the merit of being im five acts., each of' ll, in viy long.
Miss KATIH.RINE IiODGIHS, a cdltcitacuite, froci tlic prc. Iics, di pii, thu
piece and the pait, Iaude i d,-serv ,dly fivouraililc i inpi scion i iinlrd,
the play was veiy well acted, tiniugh MAI VOiAhAt,c i', who alpI'ar''d ua
the F'ra, tnade a too liberal use of thle mou tia of voinuiald Lictl xixplcs-
sions at his command.

BY PorouL.AI ScoNG-WiVITEt8s.

lBY G. G ,iN*x r.
Tnryr told him riudlyv she was dead,
Yit t till he H:1l, aitnt smiild,
And quite d. elincd to I.-e the h d,
'Wliilt iy ll I 1 ly clildl :
lie little r4- (r fiii 'ii!.oiicic lp iiti;',
Or titupid hloki olf cM low,
"PFoh polhi!" lie ccii d, I know her ways
6hlu'11 do tlie ls.iU to-moiiow "
One day they mis.id him, and they found,
Tnie old iman ti ;,cilnd WLak,
T1 e suimncicir wind with mouinful sound,
F,iin,,d his d icil d cliek :
In vain thiat wind ie tain d to r'ise,
And one and til liupi)nce ioi iow,\,
P,,oh, pooh lie r'uwd, I] lniw her ways,
cbhe'll be all there to-morrow."

By II. B. FPn,',c'.
Sun sleeps, iind still the spell
Arioud the young things clings,
The loveliphls in her dwill,
And still her tiruI klniglit sings:
Oh faieric tli the At"r,
'Ihat lights the occan fIoim,
Mv stilps have wa.ind ed far,
Flom thee, my spirit-homic !
From thee, my spirit-home !
The glndsome mo ning rath,
Within its cave abides,
The spill tlhat !;mauity ihath,
Js gliomiingc on tho tids ;
Yet still llthe liniglitly love,
]Beyond the spi'll- fralught home,
Says, lilie tlihe gentle dove,
Coo for our spirit-home."
F'' uIUc !
Coo for our spirit-home!

I F T1 3N .t [SEPTEMBER 16, 1865.

Ii~ J 11__ 1 11.,



Only MOORE musical and less melancholy.
Oh! Rip Van Winkle less doubt encumbers-
(The man who's fallen asleep for years),
When first awaking from lengthened slumbers-
Than what to this Irish boy appears,
Who's roused by voices of merry-making,
When years long he'd sleeping lain,
And finds his country is now awaking
To such a fine prospect once again!
He sees the cabin no wretched shealing;
The boys are dandies, the pig's a swell;
There's girls flax-winding and girls flax-reeling,
And all the crops looking mighty well.
His rusted arm, disloyal token,
Idly years may now remain,
For Ireland's long sleep of sorrow's broken,-
There's such a fine prospect once again!

THE EMPRESS EUGENIE climbed the righi on the 21st ultimo. On
her return she declared herself to be Righi-larly tired out.
The QUEEN has dispensed with the personal investiture of the EARL
OF STAIR, and has empowered his lordship to wear the insignia of the
Order of the Thistle. The band of the Scots Fusiliers was present
and played Sich a gettin-up's STAIR'S!"

SEPTEMBER promises well, but is not likely to last quite as long as
August. In fact, we shall not be surprised at finding it a whole day
shorter. The two months are supposed to have tossed up for the odd
one, and September, after losing, went off to bed grumbling "Perdidi
diem," a quotation subsequently lifted by the Emperor TITUS, who sung
the first word to the air of Per-diddy-iddy-iddy-iddy-ido Some people
say that the moon is responsible for the shortcomings of September.
If so, somebody ought to shoot the moon for her injustice directly the
supply of grouse begins to run short. There need be no lack of guns,
for this purpose, because the wind will begin to blow great ones
directly the equinoctial gales commence. The crops are quite ready
for cutting-especially carrots, which can easily be replaced by a brown
wig, if necessary, and nobody need be a bit the wiser. Cattle are in a
sad way, particularly when they are coming up on the road to New-
gate Market. It is no use to give the sheep any advice, as they are
sure to reply, "lBah !" like a lot of unbelieving Frenchmen. For
intelligence respecting pigs, we must refer our readers to the reports
of the iron-market, in which place they are quite at home. (N.B.-
The pigs, not the readers.)
We have not paid much attention to the parks lately, but they are
accustomed to neglect, so they will hardly complain of us. Abney-
park is as full of life as usual; and a nicer walk, for anybody who is
anxious to bury his cares for an hour or two, it would be a difficult
thing to point out. Barnsbury-park is at Islington for the season;
we happen to know a very nice young lady who lives there-a fact
which will, no doubt, endear Barnsbury-park to the general public.
Greenwich-park, we hear, is not far from the hospital, which says very
little for the condition of its health. We should recommend it strongly
to take a run up Observatory-hill once a day for the sake of exercise,
if it wishes to recover. In case of the worst, of course Greenwich
Hospital would be happy to take it in as an out-pensioner.

F U NJ .-SEPTEMBER 16, 1865.

A Considerable Improvement in Twenty Years.

SEPTfEImBl 16, 1865.] F TU N. 7

"You would, would you, old corpilence? It's well as there ain't a
MRS. DROWN AT THE OLD BAILEY. law for burning' you, or all the fat 'd be in the fire; and if them
wulgar, low-lived wretches didn't roar with their laughter.
IT give me that turn when that young man come in and says, "Is I says, You're a regular slaughter-house lot, as a little hangin'
your name MARTHA BROWN ?" and hands me the strip of paper that wouldn't do no harm to."
I downright staggered, and if MRs. CHALLIX hadn't give me a chair I Just as I was a-spoakin' there was a old woman decided in liquor
should have fell backwards, as the sayin' is. The young fellow he as up and shied a pint pot at me, as would have done for me if it
says, "It's no haugin' matter, but mind you attends to it; and as hadn't missed and hit a party atween the blade-bones, as returned the
soon as ever he were gone I says, Mus. CHALLIN, if I don't take compliment by hitting out all round. So the police had to interfere,
a-somethin' I shall be took bad, for I feels them shivers a-comin' up and glad I was to get out of the place, and Mus. EvLES and the
my back, as is often warnings of illness." So she did step out for policeman led me into the courtyard, and there was a man shouting'
half-a-quartern, as is a thing I will never keep in the house, for it's MARTHA BiOWN like mad.
gone like mngic, tho' necessary when parties is liableto be took sudden. I says, Here I am." Look slippy," says the policeman, and
Well, as far as I could make it out, it was a paper from the QUEEN, they hurries me along and shoves me thro' a door, and there I was
as I says, However can she know anything about me," I says, as regular flurried and out of breath, afore the judge and all. Of all the
never troubles my head with nothing of the sort." So I asks young smelly, stillin' places ever I was in it was that court. I however them
EDMUNDS, as brought in the water-rate, whatever it meant. Oh," judges can bear them head-dresses and fars puzzles me, not as I'd
says he, "your subpmna'd." time for to think of much thro' a party shovin' a book in my hand
"What for ? says I. Says he, "All along of Mins. BaRITTLEs's and a-makin' me kiss it and swear to speak the tiuth, as," I sitys, "is
back washus winder bein' broke into that Sunday evening' with me my habits, young man." Well, a very nice party asked me very
a-settin' in the arbour a-readin', as commands a full view of her polite all about it. So I says, "My lord," I says, "I'll tell you how
premises, and see the parties as they was a-levantin' as the saying' is. it cunm about." "Answer my questions," says the party.
"Wherever is it to ? says I. The Old Bailey," says he. Well, So I will," I says, my lord ; but," I says, how evor aro you
then, I'm sure as B tows won't never let me go for to stand like a to know if I don't tell you, not as 1 bears any malice nor hatred in
criminal in the docks." He says, You're only a witness." my heart; but," I says, "for to rob a lon( woman--" The other
I says, "That comes of my talking' to that 'ere policeman as come judge, him as was a-isottin' np above, says, My good woman," a
here a-pumpin' and a-spyin', and askin' that civil for to see our back- expression as didn't sound well in his mouth, confine yourself to
garden, and talking' that agreeable, me little a-thinkin' as he was a answerin' when you're spoke to."
regular Jesuit, as I'm told there is in every family, with a book wrote I says, Yes, my lord," I says, "as it is my habits, for I ain't one
all about it." So when BRowN come in he says, "That comes of to trouble myself with nobody's business, for I'm sure any one as
your lettin' that red rag o' your run so free." "But," I says, knows me can bear testaments." Answer the counsel directly,"
"BnowN, you won't never suffer it." "Suffer what ? says he. says another old judge, as had a pimply nose and spoke irritable, as I
"Why, your lawful wife to be took up like that to the Old Bailey, should say had been a-takin' something' in his tea, as lie must require,
as I never should hold my head up again thro' shame ? "" Well," a-settin' stiflin' and a-stowin' in that place all day.
says he, "there ain't nothing' to be ashamed on. You must go, or I says, "By all means; I'm sure I don't want to speak." No more
they'll put you in prison and make you pay a hundred pounds." I didn't, for with all his rigmarole questions lie didn't get at tho
I says, Then they're tyrants, that's what I calls em; but he truth, for lie kep' a-stoppin' me, and when I thought as lihe was done,
only says, "Rubbish! Mind you're there by ten o'clock punctual." and was a-turnin' to go, up got a young chap with a snappy sort of
So on the next Monday fortnight as ever were I had to go, and got manner, and says, "Pray, Mins. BaIowN, how old are you F"
Mns. CuALLI-x to mind the house, and MRLs. EYLES she went with me, I says, I ain't ashamed to tell my ago, as was born in the year of
and of all the drizzly, dirty mornings as ever I was out in, it was the the allied sufferings comin' over, as I've often heard my dear mother
worst. I says, Let's be there in good time, and then p'raps they'll say, as she stood on Westminster Bridge for to see 'em pass by, and
let us go all the sooner." So we got there as' the clock was on the it's a-mercy as she got a hackney coach." So says the young chap,
stroke of nine, and there was such a frightful crowd, and we wasn't "Ah! I dare say; but we don't want to hear about that, but all we
able to get near the place in the 'bus. I says to the conductor, "Is want to know is about your eyesight, is it as good is it usi'd to be '"
this the nearest as you can put us down? He says, We ain't Well," I says, "for that matter 1 can soi as far as my neigh-
allowed to go no nearer; but," he says, "if you walks very quick you bours, and that Sunday afternoon-" he says, a What Sunday ifter-
may be just in time." I says, "Whatever do.you mean ?" and if noon?" I says, "As you're a-speakin' on." IHo says, [ never
they hadn't been and hung a man, as is a thing as I wouldn't see, not mentioned the words."
for all the world." I says, "I'd rathergo to prison or pay the hundred "Then," I says, "you did ought to, for it was a Sunday as I was
pounds, so back I'll' go." Mus. EYLEs says, Bless you, it's all over, a-settin' a-rcadin', llastwaiys a-dozin', when I heard a crack like glass
and we'll take it gently. There goes nine." a-givin' way. So I gets on the seat, and looks over the wall 'est in
Of all the crowds I ever see it was the wust, and I'm sure to look time to see a man a-gettin' in at ills. BiTi'ri.Es' black-litchen window,
at 'em you'd say as hangin' was too good for 'em, and they came as I know'd was gone to a place of worship." "Well," says the
a-rushin' and a-hootin' that violent as me and Mils. EYLES had to young chap, "you must have a very long sight if you can see a man's
stand in a doorway ever so long for to let 'em pass. I says, Mlus. face getting' in at a window when a long way behind him."
EYLExs, in my opinion them hangin's did ought to be done private, as I says, "It is not a long way ; for," 1 Pays, it is only the length
might be made more agreeable to all parties, and not for to collect of MKs. BRITTLvu'S garden." What length is that? says lie.
such ragamullins together, asisareg'lar p'stto theirselves and others." "1Why," says I, "the length of at garden." "Well," he says,
It was just ten when we was got to the Old Bailey, as was crowded "look at the prisoner at the bar, is he the individual that you saw
up by the most wretchedest parties, and it made my heart feel for a-gettin' into the window ?"
some of them poor creeturs as was a-sheddin' tears talking to police- Well," I says, let hinm turn round lnnd make believe to be
men, and seemed a-beggin' hard for to be let in, as is a place as I'd a-gettin' in at a window, and ..'e if I lon't swear to hiin ? Can
rather be kept out on. We waited and waited in them damp, dirty you or can you not say whether he is the mnu ?" asks thlie judge.
passages till I was quite chilled, when a door opens sudden, and out Well," I says, "my lord, leastways I think-" Don't think.
comes a woman a-sereamin' like wild, and her friends a-tryin' to hold Will you swear? Rays the young chap. "You're quite enough to
her, but, law bless you, she fought like wild, and seemed ready for to make any one, not tis anything would make me give in to su:h a,
tear 'em in bits, till at last she fell down in a fit. It gave me that low habit." "You won't swear then:'" says ho. Certainly not."
awful turn as I says, MBs. EYLES, mum, I must take something, Stand down," says a policeman.
and the policeman as was 'friendly to us he took us over to get some I did stand down, and was glad to get out of the place, but was that
refreshments. So I asks him, Whatever made her ttdke on like trembly as I sunk down on a bench, and if they hadn't got me some
that ?" Oh !" he sliys, "her JOE's got a lifer. I know'd le refreshments I don't think as 1 ever oelil-, haivec left thdit place.
would." Whatever for ?" Oh! he says, "a heavy burglary." Well, it vwsn't very long afore they come out, unld I heim r a young
Well, just then in came a lot of parties as was that cheerful, and chap say, "It's all right, he's got him olf'. Wasn't the old giil a
a-talkin', sayin' they was that glad as she'd got off. Saiys the police- trump." Jest then un comes Mrs. I:rrTILEm. in a towering passion,
man,'"I toll you she would; I never see a young gal do it better." as says to me, You're a ase ooman a-plIrjuin' yors'lf lihke 1111t
I asks, What ? Oil! says he, she was up for the murder just to spite me, as have fold me yourself ;s you could sweor to that
of her infant, as was six months old, only she come the gammon that man anywheres, and thnli to eat your own words, as in my opinion
strong, a-faintin' away every moment, and being' good looking, the you've been bought off, s I'll see if law can't nay hold on you."
jury let her offl." Well, I was that took a-back Ns I ne.irly droppedd, Iand how I got
"Then more shame for 'em," says I. "Is that justice," I says, "a home I don't know with a splittin' head and Hl1IWN tlht coldblhodid,
brazen-faced hussy as one might forgive a misfortune to, but for to a-sayin', that it was all my own fisult, aind if I'd held mny tongue
go and imbrood her hands in hinnocent blood of her own child, she's I might have kept out of it, as was only my wanting' for to scem to
wuss than a boast of prey. If I'd my way I'd burn her, a wretch." know cvcrythin'.

8 ]9 1 Jy [SEPTEMBER 16, 1865.


A Rhymed Reason why Journey-men should become Husband-men.

BOUT this time in foreign clime, JOHN BULL quite sure to journey is,
S* And sought for tin, to spend therein, the family attorney is.
To every port will now resort of tourists a variety,
-_ In search of spots where to be got's a mixture of society-
Like Ems, or Spa, or Baden Baden where the go to gamble 'tis,
*." ? l_ Or Alpine wastes, where some men's tastes declare a joy to ramble 'tis.
S. JONEs, SMITH, and BnowN, all up and down, through every town careering are,
-. :-- .' *And in the light (to speak outright) of madmen quite appearing are,
SI: While foreign folks, who love their jokes and equivokes, all sneering are!
Spa, Baden, Ems, grave Fur condemns, where gambling's sure to cropper one,
J And, of all names, Kursaal proclaims for spots like these the proper one,
k-_ Since every rake who vows his stake is only for the fun he gets,
..... I Will "curse all" there when-oh, despair !-the croupier's rake his money gets.
,The serious delirious become, and madly back the red,
And drop their coin, although they join in prayers of "'stead of black, the red !"
PYet even FUN will own. for one, that he has done his duty there,
f Has backed the red, and money shed, and mate" said dirtute there
To friends who played-for he's afraid that gambling's made a beauty there!
1 Then-in the Alps to barren scalps of mountains why go wandering,
By glaciers' sides, on porters, guides, and others, money squandering ?
For when at times, in foreign climbs, you reach through ice and snow a peak,
The mountain-top, on which you stop, will naturally show a pique!
A "mare de glace" in some crevasse will throw you or you'll have a launch
On sliding snows;-a thing that goes there by the name of avalanche !
/ .Yet even FUN must own he's done the rising sun, and light, before,
I Z 5L r '", Has noted, much delighted, touch the Alps at such a height before
S The which to see, twixtt you and me, you "up" must be the night before!
Well, one thing's clear, where'er he'll steer, Jonx BULL will take his daughters too,
-t'The Alpine vales, whose hills he scales, or German baths and waters to;
And well we know, where'er they go, they'll carry novel graces there-
Take healthy roses, pretty noses, fresh and happy faces there,
Pure minds, and hearts devoid of arts, that lend to foreign dames a charm,
Sweet innocence without offence (and, sure, you'll own that same's a charm).
So FUN not one to shun a pun, cries, "how abundant asses are,
To let this pretty set regret and fret till they a-lasses are,
And not-just what should be their lot--mo-lasses that to life can give
A sweet complete,-the treat a neat help-meet (id est, a wife) can give.
Oh, tourists young, now roving 'mong strange nations, your concern it is;
Your FUN's advice at any price not very wise to spurn it is;
n So one secure who through life's tour-and life, be sure, a journey 'tis-
Your joy will share, and halve your care, no matter what ill turn it is!


;> 'I

4-V ;T1V


SEPTEMBER 16, 1665.]


TATr festive body, the National Temporance League, had an outing
at the Crystal Palace, on the 23th August, under the presidency
of Ma. GEORG-, CiuL:Isikax's'. They are light-hearted, carolling
young fellows the teetotallers, always in high spirits, and so different
in that respect from 'ts melancholy, beer-sodden, wife-stamping hounds,
who take a pint of beer every day of our lives. There is always
something so natural, so un-forcod in their jollity ; there is something
so enviable in their pleasant complacency as they sit over their tea,
trilling out little i, di ,'i ,1,, to each other; they are all so clean,
so curly, and so ,'... ,i '..i may believe MIit. TWvEEDIE'S prints),
that the only wonder is that society at large don't enlist under their
banners, and drive all licensed victuallers into penal servitude for life.
Of course when this blithe body met at the Crystal Palace, they
sang a good deal. In point of fact, no less than fifteen songs were
down on their programme, but as, by some mistake, we were not
present at the gathering, we cannot say that the programme was con-
scientiously carried out. Most of the songs had one moral, which was
that there was nothing so exhilarating as water, anti nothing so de-
pressing as beer. It might, at first sight, appear that as this was a
meeting of ladies and gentlemen, who were supposed to have settled
these facts in their own minds long before they arrived at the Crystal
Palace, their perpetual repetition was, to say the least of it, rather
unnecessary. You don't find that a body of surgeons takes the
trouble to assert in song, at every possible opportunity, that vaccina-
tion is elective against smill-pox, because it is an ascertained fact
which no reasonable man ventures to question. Perhaps, however, if
they have their doubts on the point, they may find it answer their
own ends to reiterate it in song.
On the 29th August, at the Crystal Palace, you were to Give me a
Draught from the Crystal Spring, under all circumstances of season.
You were, moreover, to Learn to say No wherever you Go, no matter
what you were asked to do-an arrangement which, from our bigoted
point of view, seems likely to be pregnant with inconvenience. You
were asked if you would like to Fill a Drunkard's Grave, And bear
his infamy ; and you were, moreover, to Touch not, Taste not (it
didn't say what), Till you Die! But the crowning triumph of the
afternoon was a three-part song called The Social Glass," written
by a Ma. P. W. P. G. STOWE, who appears to have compensated for
his abstinence in other respects by going-in recklessly for initials.
The 1st Voice" (who is a profligate), in evident ignorance of his
companion's simple tastes, opens the subject as follows :
I'm very fond of a social glass! "
His friends, however, have their feelings under control, and (sly dogs)
winking at each other reply, traitorously,
2nd Voice.- "So am I."
3rd Voice.- "So am I."
The unsuspecting lst Voice" falls into the trap, and, under the im-
pression that he is addressing men of kindred tastes, adds,
It makes the time so pleasantly pass,
And fills the heart with pleasure."
Hereupon thq 2nd Voice" is shocked, and throwing off the cloak of
harmless dissiimultion, sighs out the following couplet-
SAh, water pure doth brighter shine,
Than brandy, rum, or sparkling wine."
The 3rd Voice," however, wishing to keep up the joke little longer,
chimes in with a bit of his old experience:
3rd Voice.-" But sad is the fix if the liquors you mix."
But the 1st Voice" is evidently an old hand, and immediately adds,
Oh, I never do that."
And the other two voices, with sly meaning,
2ind Voice.- Nor I."
3rd Voice.- "Nor I."
But 1st Voice" begins to suspect something, and basely endeavours
to retrieve his position in the eyes of his friends by joining in a tee-
Chiorus-" Oh yes, we love the social glass,
But it must be filled with water;
VW\isdom says be temperate' now,
To every son and daughter."
"2nd Voice" re-opens the subject with the following unobjectionable
I like with a friend an hour to pass."
3rd Voice.- So do I."
1st Voice.- "So do I."
2nd Voice (who is anxious not to be misunder'stood).-
But never with the social glass."
Unless it be cold water."
3rd Voice.- "No! friendship's joys are so divine,
They never should be pledged with wine."
By this time 1st Voice" begins to see that his friends are "talking
at him," and (losing his temper) replies,
Perhaps you may think that I love strong drink."

2nl VToice throwingy ofl' a.' disrisie).-" I certainly do."
3rd lVoic (ditto).-" And I."
1st V.ice (cortemptibl).-" Not I."
Then chorus" as before.
3rd Voico" then reopens the conversation:
3rd Foice.- "I love to sing a temperance glee."
1st Iice' (in. brse acq."iescencc).--" So do 1."
2nd Voice.-" So do L"
;;rd I'oie.- '"I lon"g to sr.o the inebriate free,
And every inodorato drinker."
This is rather cloudy, but perhaps '-3rd Voice" his h id too much I
1st loice (ti" humbjg /).-
I'm glad to meet with friends so true,
For I have long been temperate too !"
Hereupon 2nd Voice b,,gins to suspect that they've been wasting
their conversion talk on a believer, and disconcerted threat whispurri
to "3rd Voice,'"
Then I understand he's a temperate man "
3rd Toce (eery sn/vit voice tids tim.).--" I reckon lie is."
lst /foice (hao ha ovac'rhceard this) triiiiph/untl/?.-'" You're right "
A!l (this snai it: tipvy but it isn't).-" All right."
And the three friends join in the ocstatiu chorus,
Oh, yes, we love the temperate glass,
But it mist be filled with water;
Wisdom says 'be temperate' now,
To every son and daughter."
There! VWo defy the cariettarists of the Toetot'l movement to do
its cause more harm than the contemptible drivel we hare nuot!ed.

Arnor'os or A RECENT )iscusslox.
MR. Jonsm ReSKIX,
Assuming the buskin,
Rushed on to the stage, willy nilly,
And told the D. T.,
Less welcome than free,
That its loacdor on servants wa' silly.
Said the 1). T, Your letter,
Dear sir, 's not much better,"
Conducting the contest with bohihonnfi,
For J. R., tho art-critical,
Knows of Political
More than Domestic Economy,-
Yet of that knows so little
That Fux just a bit '11
Give hint of his mind on this capcer---
"It had beeoon economical,
Graduate comical,
Had you saved trouble, time, ink, and paper! "

1 t11 cr tos (Lt)or-rcir ibtcn.

AN ANXIOUS INaUIrmEn, COVENT GANDErN.-We are not in the secret
of the Repository, or the repository of the secret. If you want t1,
know more of the mystery ious mansion you had better ring the bell,
and then run away, and see if anything follows.
A RE.ECTED ONE asks how we can have the heart to decline his con-
tributions. Since he is so anatomically particular, we beg to inform
him that, besides the heart, we have the waist--paper basket.
A. WAnnD.-You had better apply to our advertising agent. We
don't supply pulls, so you must go to our Baker.
A WOusoD-rE PEER wishes to know whether lie can purchase a title .
Of course ho can, and a preface and index too, and all for the small
charge of one penny. Apply at 80, Fleet-street.
JULIA is anxious to learn where she can meet with a good looking
glass. She had better consult her own mirror, which will no doubt
help her to a good looking (g)lass.
HISTRIoNIcus.-The line
"The man who lifts his hand to a woman, etc."
is from SHAXESPEARE. See the tragedy of R. Romer ind ."ulict.
CA. SA.-You may take a pill without a writ of habea8 corpus.
A YouxG MAN OF FAMILY.-If they only give you a two-pronged
steel fork at the eating-house you frequent, you may cat your peas
with a knife as a peas-aller as the French say, but not otherwise.


[SEPTEMBER 16, 1865.

~:. 0%

,j/~' $~ ~N N

/ i ~
I,'. K


DEAR FUN,-Is MARTIN F. TUPPER one of your regular con-
tributors ? If he is not he ought to be. I have just been reading
Alfred, a Patriotic Play, in Five Acts, by M. F. T., and here and
there it is so droll that I laughed as heartily as I do over FUN.
Here is a choice bit from the introduction to the play:-
"It is just a thousand years since all that is here set before our eyes in the
theatre actually happened in life as we soe it, and (although we just now are happily
in close alliance with a possible future foe who shall be nameless) the ancient idea of
invasion is no stranger to the imaginations-say rather rational calculations-of
modern Englishmen. This play. therefore, may be all the more acceptable to a
discerning and patriotic audience."
It may and it may not, we shall see. The author of 'Proverbial
Philosophy may be recognized by the profound truth he has put into
the lips of ALFRED :-
To know aright the blessedness of plenty,
A man must once have felt how hunger gnaws."
It is, however, in the stage directions that the poet has put forth
his greatest strength. Here is one :-
Act 2.-Scene 1.-The outer room of a cottage in the fortified marsh of Athelney,
ALFRED'S harp hanging up, and a time-candle on the mantel of a hearth, near
whirh is a settle-like table and stools. EDWARD and ETHELWARD, the boy princes,
arc making a toy-boat, with a little bow and arrows near them and a paper kite, ,&c. ;
sordidly dressed as in distress, and looking hungry, playing not for pleasure, but for
employment, perhaps one reading a missal or writing on a board."
It will be easy enough for clever children to "look hungry" on
the stage ; but how will they be able to convey to their auditors that
they are playing "not for pleasure, but for employment," and the
delineation of "perhaps reading a missal" will be difficult.
BERTHA discovered comfrftinq QUEEN ELaWITIIA, who is crying over a little,
curly-headed three-year old daughter, and a large mastiff in the room."
This picture of domestic affliction is after-very much after-the
manner of WILKIE.

1 :1 1 1

Here is another of a grander sort:-
"Gradually as he speaks the baoctk-scene changes, and, to ALFRED'S inute astonish-
ment (no one else seeing anything of this,for BERTHA and ELSWITHA are taken up by
AeFRED'S entrancement, and the boys are happy over their nuts and toys, ye.), The
JVision comes, with distant, supernatural music, showing the old man, changed into
the Guardian Spirit of England, blessing ALFRED, but nothing said, only music as it
fades away, and the cottage wall comes back again.
"ALFRED (in an awed whisper)"-why not an aud-ible whisper ?-
"Is this a dream? 0 wife, 0 sister, speak I
Tell me, my boys, who saw it and who heard?"
This is indeed a splendid burst of poetic thought and imagery; but
surely this vision did not actually happen" to ALFRED "in life as
we see it." It cannot be meant for fact, it is poesy, the true in-
Here is a gorgeous notion for a last scene:-
The interior of Glastonbury Abbey, very splendid, just after GUTIIRUn has
been baptized by the name of ATHELSTAN. A magnificent spectacle, with ALEBRE,
ELSWITHA, and all the court on one side, several being pardoned English lords and
Danish earls; and on the other GUTIRUM, habited in while and silver, with
BERTHA near him, and others grouped about the archbishop. Crowds of Danes and
English as in amicable union of the two nations, their flags and emblems mixed."
Bravo! bravo! and bravissimo! Do, please, engage TuPPER on
your staff, and accept the thanks of your CONSTANT READER.

NOTICE.--By the desire of numerous correspondents, copies of
printed on toned paper, may now be obtained at the Ofice, price One Penny.
Now ready, the eighth tHalf-yearly VTolume of FiTN, being
handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4s. Gd.
How Ready, the TITLE, PREFACE, AND INDEX, forming an extra
Number, price One Penny. Also, now ready, Part IV.

Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at
80, Fleet-street.-September 16, 1865.

OUT of town-I'm out of town-
Far away from cares and creditors;
Doing all I can to drown
Thoughts of duns and fears of editors.
Farewell (for a time, at all events)
Love and Friendship, Wealth, Renown,
Interests in great or small events-
Out of town-I'm out of town.
Out of town-I'm out of town-
In a state of green beatitude;
Beauty's beck or Fortune's frown
Cannot reach this distant latitude.
Let my purse and friends degenerate,
Nay, let every chance run down;
Still for this one week, at any rate,
Out of town-I'm out of town.

Out of town-I'm out of town-
Leaving to their own society,
(Who have bored me to satiety).
If your London wit shews qualities
Higher than my country clown,
Never mind; I sing-how jolly 'tis-
"Out of town-I'm out of town!"

A .Drawing-Room Ballad.
THE light jib-boom may scour the seas,
And whistle through the clects;
The taffrail may adjure the breeze
The deadeye wink at sheets;
The scuppers on our lee may dance;
And shrouds the welkin blot;
But I shan't take a run to France
In anybody's yacht.

WHY is a party who indulges in limited weep-
ing like a fellow who gets pitched from the
gallery of a theatre for being noisy ?-Because
he drops two or three tiers.

SEPTEMBER 33, 1865.] F TJ N 11

..... .1 ,:'i, Every Dog must have his Day.
ST Et "T;u the adage is, I know it,
True, in not a pleasant way-
""Was it said by sage or poet?-
SEvery dog must have, his day."
If the day would not forsake him,
Or would kindly come again,
--0Nor the night so soon o'ertako him,
Then the dog need not complain.
But the worst part is the sequel,
That there always is in store;
For the night seems most unequal
W L g To the day that's gone before.
Faith, I've bought my day-time dearly!
Frequently of late I'vo found
Cause to think my fate is nearly
Sh sThat of the proverbial hound.
S" : For my time seems sore and yellow-
au t-" oFlat, unprofitable, slow
S And I'm not at all the fellow
That I was three years ago.
Then I was a kind of Cricliton,
k Courted much--a pleasant part!
OhI! that day it was a bright one,
Heavy purse and lightsome heart.
Now of sun I see no traces,
So, I fear, poor dog! 'tis night:
and--_- And the weights have ch nged their places,
rouo__________ tHeart is heavy, purse is light!

rANn (threatening to box his ears) I'VE HALF A MND- li. RUSKIn is a great art critic, but there's
Boy:-" HAVE YOU GOT haf A MIND, MAMMA DEARt? HEx WELL, THAT'5 NOT one sort of gallery lie doesn't understand, and
o0 BAD FOPL A wOMAN!" that's servant-gal-lery.

chlay rous and onfing, but he discourteously took no notice of it. The
A CRUISE IN QUEER LATITUDES. storm continued to increase, so we put all our old letters into a bottle
Mot CHER REDACTEUR (Excuse the French mode of address, but and cast it overboard; the Frenchman, who was still swimming easily
I've been so near the coast of France, I can't help it.)-Of course near is, seized the bottle and eagerly perused the letters. I had hoard
you gentlemen of England who live at home at ease will wish to hear of the politeness of continental nations, but (lid not approve of his
how we got on yachting. Here is my log : actions. The letters were private and should have bIeen respected.
Mond., Sept. 11. Lat. &c., Long. &c.-It's no use boring you Sept. 14.-The storm increased so much that we thought it
with technicalities, so I leave them to your imagination. We started advisable to abandon the vessel, but the difficulty was where to go.
from Ryde with a fair breeze, all sails set, close-hauled. We avasted The oldest man on board was requested to spin a yarn, but, unluckily,
heaving and drew up the stunsail-ring bolt, and felt rather squeamish. he had forgotten to ship a loom.
Spliced the mainmast and had a little soda and brandy. Went on Sept. 15.-The storm somewhat abated. But another danger
deck and softly repeated to myself the stanzas in Childe IIarold awaited us: our store of provisions was falling short. We wore put
about the ocean. The ocean resented the impertinence, and jibbed upon short allowance. A little Etres's cocoa, and one teaspoonful of
severely, the boom knocked my hat off, and sent my telescope and rum per diem. We all got into the jolly-boat, and were in con-
nauticalalmanack into our wake, I hummed a tune and sneered at the sequence very hilarious over our teaspoonfuls of rum. The French-
anchor. All hands were piped to dinner, and a storm was discovered man came very near us, and requested a pinch of Ers, he said he
gambolling on the lee-bow. Luffed and ported sail. The boom again had lived for many days on the remembrance of his last meal. He
knocked me on the head. I ordered it forty lashes. also said the letters were his only consolation, particularly one con-
Sept. 12.-Tried to get up at two bells, but found it was nine training a washing-bill of the captain's. He said the man must be an
o'clock. The bells bothered me, so excuse astronomical time. The angel who wore so many shirts. Seeinghim so kindly and intelligent
sea looked horribly rough, and the houses on land running away very we invited him on board, but he said he preferred his liberty. We
fast. The storm still vexy near. Hoisted the marlin-spike halyards, contented ourselves with visions of sumptuous meals, and retired to
and had breakfast. Attired myself carefully a la Black-eyed Susan, our hammocks with pleasant thoughts of Errs for the day.
and took the helm. Found it very dillicult to hold. Was ordered Sept. 1G.-The rum was all gone and only an ounce of Errs
roughly to put the helm hard a-port or something, and requested to remained. We began to regard each other with culinary eyes; and
run into the wind's eye. Have reason to believe we did so, for the the mate, who was fat and well-favoured, was observed to shudder
eye watered considerably. Sawa whale and harpooned it with a fork; when any one looked at him. A stout boy on board was also regarded
found it was only a harmless lobster-box. Looked out for the coast critically. The afternoon of this day came, and starvation stared us
of France, and rubbed up my French. 2 is bong Had dinner and in the face. The stout man went up to the main-top, and remained
found the timbers shiver uncommonly. Took my theodolite and made there trembling ; and the stout boy hid himself in the hold.
an observation.* Unwell, and went to hammocks as pale as a Sept. 17.-Attenuation increasing. Every man felt as if his
sheet. clothes were getting perceptibly slacker. It seems a strange thing
Sept. 13.-Saw the coast of France trying to evade us in the one day's starvation should make such a difference. Hungry were
distance. Gave chase and got very near the coast, when the storm the glances we directed at each other, and horrible must have been
could be trifled with no longer. We had to sail under bare poles, the feelings of the stout ones. To hammock a perfectly ravenous.
their clothes having been washed overboard. I lit my last pipe and Sept. 18.-The Frenchman got exceedingly lively, and said we
philosophically made my will. A hardy native of France was observed were nmar the coast of France, and he would introduce us to his rela-
buffeting the waters on our lee; I shouted all the French I knew, ties. Suffice it to say, they were exceedingly hind, and our dinner
was mnagnifique and a la Iussec. I would write more, but the remem-
"Dash the weather." branee of the dry champagne overcomes me.



[SEPTEMBER 23, 1865.


HAT tremendously
hot weather we

might as well have
been in the land of
the sable Venus, for
S. we were all Hot-
'i and-hot enough to
S- *-; I,. ; "-, "pass for natives.
Nevertheless, here
,i '" .... *~ "..' .. "%-. am I at my post-
not rushing off to
seaside places and
S' .' .. -.< filling a column of
S- so-called London
'- Gossip with pro-
vincial platitudes as
--less conscientious
scribes do. I stick
t- to my post as if it
Sa- were an iron one,
Soit is_ rand the glass show-
ing forty degrees of
frost. (Of course,
by the time this is
in the hands of the
British public, the
weather will have
185-. Changed, and the
rain will be coming

the more especially
__as I am, between
ourselves, going to
take a few days holiday in defiance of the editor. But at this
present writing the heat is terrific-even a Saunterer in the best
Society is reduced to writing in his shirt-sleeves, and the glass is
at-well, I don't know what it's at, but there is in it some sherry and
lemonade, and a lump of ice. N.B.-Parties lighting on this passage
are requested not to tell the editor.) I suppose the heat at Bury is
Bury great, for I see the following advertisement in the local journal,
Wpropos of some now baths:-
,'The First-class Plunge Bath will be OPEN on SATURDAY, September 16th,
1865. After having gone through all the alterations and improvements, which is
beautifully decorated; and 34 dress boxes will meet the accommodation of all who
may patronize them."
Well; if people walk on the beach at Margate in morning costume to
look at the bathers, I don't see why there should not be a dress circle
for the performances at a Swimming Bath!
WHAT I complain of is that, dtuing such weather, one should be called
on to make head or tail of such perplexing puzzles as these-theymake
one perspire at every pore to look at them. Here's the first, an extract
from a Newcastle paper :-
"A rather unusual occurrence happens in the quarter which ends this month. It
contains fourteen Saturdays ; so that fourteen distinct publications of the Advertise
will appear. The same thing happened in December of last year; but as the four-
teen Saturdays of that month were followed by only twelve in January, we (lid not
think it worth while to direct the special attention of our agents and subscribers to
the circumstance. The excess of one month was balanced by the deficiency of the
following; so that the quarterly accounts were easily arranged. In the present
instance, however, our subscribers iust take care to charge the extra week in the
present quarter, as the following one will contain the usual number of Saturdays."
The next bewilderment might have come from the same pen. It
occurs in a description of the Shakers, quoted by the 7imes/ from an
American paper. In speaking of the female Shakers he says
"* Four-fifths were over forty years of age, and at least three-fifths were over
fifty; there were a few younger, of pale, attenuated, almost lifeless faces."
How many more fifths does the gentleman want in a whole ? And
how does he explain another statement-that in this exclusive sect,
"celibacy is only adopted by the men ?"
WHiLE I'm on the subject of absurdities,--did any one read a letter
in the Times gravely advising the application of the same treatment to
sick cattle that is usual in cases of typhus in the human subject ? What
cannibalism! Imagine a cow taking beef tea. While I write, it
occurs to me that the Times reporter at Birmingham made FRANK
BUCKLAND answerable for a bit of nonsense at the meeting of the
British Ass.:-
MR. BUCKLAINo stated that temperature depended very much on success in
oyster culture."
This is too bad! F. B. does not need to have other people's sillinesses

fathered on him. As for the leader writer on the -D. T., who said,
The King might marry COPHETUA, but the Queen must not marry
CoPHrsTus," he ought to go somewhere for change of air.
THERE's no particular news. Gladiateur has won the Leger; the
Emperor of France has met the Queen of Spain on the most friendly
terms; PRESIDENT JOHNSON is bothered by the irrepressible nigger;
there is very little beef in the market, but game is plentiful ; TUPPEr's
tragedy hasn't appeared; Rip Van Winkle is cleverly acted, though
the piece drags; EULENRERG is likely to get Prussia into OTT water
with France; a baby weighing sixteen pounds has been born -some-
where, but CHANG, the Chinese giant, can give him thirty tons and
whop him easily; the report that the PRINoE or WALES was seen
taking a nip, with his cigar, at Woolwich is unfounded-he was only
using one of the new Cigar Nippers; CHARLas 'MATHEWS has had a
great success in Used Up in Paris, and I'm going out of town for a few
days. But, as I said before, there is no news. Stop, though! .I
forgot. There is. The first of Sm E. B. LYTTox's Literary Alms-
houses, at Stevenage, is about to be occupied.
IN the llth Number of the Cornhill (Nov., 1,860), in a poem entitled
"Last Words," occur the following lines:-
The hoarse wolf howls not near,
No dull owl beats the casement, and no rough-bearded star
-Stares on my mild departure from yon dark window bar."
The poemais signed OWEN MEREDITH.
In the-l,56thNumber of the Corn/iill (May,'1(865), occurs the follow-
ing quotation 'from N7'W STER (not the Master of the Dramatic Go.oUge,
but a ootemporary of BEAUMONT and FLETCHER):-
"No rough-bearded comet
Stares at thy mild departure: the dull owl
Beats not against thy casement; the hoarse wolf," etc.
No one stares now at 'MR. OWEN M ErEDITH's mild depattures from
the paths of literary honesty. -But the detection of this robbery
having thrown him out of employment, he is about .to take up
his abode in a wing of the Stevenage Refuge, where he will continue,
as heretofore, to be supported by the involuntary contributions of other
writers, living and dead.

AnE you thinking of a lover
Gone away, lady fair ?
For a smile there seems to hover
And to play, lady fair,
Round your lips, as if those lips inclined to say
Man is fickle man is vain!
Shall I murmur or complain
Should my love not true remain ?"
And you say "Nay! "
Lady fair.
Your philosophy's a wise one-
More's the woo, lady fair!
Broken faith oft pains and tries one,
As we know, lady fair,
And the chronicles of love too clearly show.
Man is fickle man is frail!
Vows and oaths are no avail,-
Ropes of sand that break and fail,
And chains of snow,
Lady fair!
Yet the women are no truer
That I see, lady fair.,
Their broken vows no fewer
Seem to be, lady fair,
Nor their faithlessness much differs in degree.
Woman's false, if man's untrue.
What with us has that to do ?-
Suppose I promise to love you,
If you'll love me,
Lady fair.

Theatrical Note.
THE Mi:urr.N, we understand, is to re-appear shortly in a new
drama, entitled The Child of the Sun. We venture to prophesy she
won't look the character, for the child of the sun ought not to object
to a ray.

Ocn democratic friends will be delighted to hear that in several
parts of England there is a plethora of copper coin.


SEPTEMBER 23, 186.] F 1 N 13

As our readers are aware, the weather is very hot, languid and ener-
vating. It is the sort of weather tlittino amount of seltzer cups, ice,
salt water, rowing, or refrigerators, oatt malike endurable. It must be
something very good indeed that cat induce people to leave their own
comfortable domestic ice-pails, to sit and simmer in the blazing
.7asmosphere" of a place of public entertainment, yet a critic must do
his duty, and attend his oven' nightly. His clothes may become
portions of his skin, his feet may bake, %is too too solid flesh may melt,
still he must suffer. "England asxpeeti that every man," &c.
And speaking of England remind w uw of China, we presume because
if it is hot here it is still hotter tnBlt. %Well, England and China have
furnished a subject for one of thiemostforiginal and es-rili- of Opera
Bouffes. C/dny Cliow'e iis-aj'adhptatfbntlbyMfnssWs. \.i i 't BROUGH
and GERMAN R'EiD from' ew BAl-tE-clan of the famous MoNSIEURi
ORPHEE-AUX-ENFErS O'FFrn2tek. It is a gem of the purest (Seine)
water-indeed the music it 'metpliLtng wonderful. It is military,
original, tender, comic, i linin, "Chu.'iy, and, above all, Offenbachy
of the Offenbachyest order. hMing Chow Ri is not a thing to be des-
cribed, but to be seen and heard. The auditor will then more
thoroughly appreciate the enterprise of the British character, will
understand how such familiar household words as sago, tapioca ,Rova-
lenta-Arabica, and lrumbago, introduced judiciously and pronounced
paternally, may enable the ruler of a Chinese province to govern a
martial and rebellibus populace for years.
Althfother WCing Chow /s Ii' is a marvel of musical and dramatic
abilityandialiswdity, and Ma t Rt. b is to be'congratulated on being
theofirst t'ihitroduce it-inianilnhglish' fbrmmi lly the way, how is it
thattisfhssns. OrrENiJ'oni's chefs d''coa-e ate- so long in crossing the
Stbtftsi of Dover ? There are but twelVe liours between Paris and
Londbn,.butf then in Paris the directors offtheatres have taste, and
here-to; say the least of it-we have changed1 all that. The name of
the writer of thae:original libretto is unkneamw'isti is,. of we would give
him at nihle iii the temple' of Fame,,ii- these- our own columns, and
so makeltiis'name g4I-.-us to. ll p...ltem-tv. 'lThl plbt- of the operetta
hinges upon-one in: di..-nt, d one neidblntoi:nl;; and this incident is
repeated) throughout the piece, andi no' mattel1"llow often repeated or
how much insisted' on, is always llitiountts. Surely this is very clover
and original. Almost equally funny is the notion of the governor of the
province governing the insurgents against himself, and uttering the
terrific war cry, Bou-la-bang! "
Our compliments to Mui. REE-D for the scenery, dresses, and decora-
tions. They are thoroughly characteristic and magnificent, and our
congratulations, for a second time, on having secured the services of
Miss AUGUSTA TuHOM so, who is naive, spirituelle, sympathetic, and
charming, and above all, has a sweet, fresh voice, and vocalises admi-
rably. She is not a mere singer, she understands her art, and gives
us not only the notes written down for her by the composer, but the
meaning intended by the composer when he wrote them down, and her
own artistic feeling, conception, and sympathy to boot. Mh'.. WILKIN-
SON is a magnificent and mysterious Tartar, who deserves the power
he obtains if only for his official reticence of manner and his excellent
singing. MA. WHIF'IN, as.the metamorphosed Piccadillian, sings and
acts very agreeably, and MA. SnAw, as the Emperor or Mandarin, or
whatever the potentate is called, gives the audience proof of a power
over those arts supposed to be under the immediate patronage of the
muses Euterpe and Thalia, which will one day make hlim famous.
The manners and customs of the English of modern days favour a
light entertainment. Of course there are still hundreds of persons
who prefer the heavy tragedy, or the still heavier comedy, as the
principal dish of their evening's entertainment, with a solid farce, ins
two slices, or acts, to follow. Many worthy people prefer to enjoy
their SIAKESPEAIRE in the society of fifteen hundred or two thousand
other persons. They enter into the spirit of the bard more perfectly
for being disturbed by guns, drums, tnunpets, shouts, and applause.
They understand the elastic amplitude of the poet's brain when they
see by. the light of a thousand gas-burners; to say nothing of the
managerial notion, that the playhouse direction exeunt ones means
a hurrying across the stage of about four hundred historically
attired;supernumeraries, with real spears and cross-bows that will not
go off. The chivalric display and drill-sergeant marching and counter-
marching, and the music assist the digestion of the poetry. Always
exceptional as becomes his superior genius, to appreciate SHAKESPEARE
We require not solitude, but a crowd; not quietude, but noise, and
plenty of it. Still people who dine late, and think they can understand
the meaning of SHAKESPEARE, without the aid of eminent tragedians,
like theatrical food of a lighter sort, and we wish all sorts of good luck
to the new management of the New Royalty Theatre, which gives us
farce operetta, real English operetta by English composers, English
librettists and artists. Castle Grim, without being by any means a
faultless production is, to use a commonplace-for which this terrible
Good English cannot be expected with the thermometer at such a height.

weather is accountable, and which shall not occur again under a moro
respectable temperature-a step in the right direction. Prose is "all
too poor to paint the charms," vocal and personal, of Miss SUSAN
GALTON. It would require verse of the easiest, breeziest, most
TENNYSONIAN measure to do her justice. Miss FANNY lREVES, Mn.
ELLIOT GALEIb, and l Mit. GEORiOiG HONEY are tho other principal artists
of a troupe that we trust is destined cre long to become, as it deserves
to be, a permanent institution.

On the NIon-prodicti/oi of f' Promised P'lay during his blate liaymar-ket
Season, wriMot is tilt worst of possible bad tempers.
Oni! WVALTsIL MfOW IMERY! what have you done ?
Who your wotdloan lienoeforth e'er rely on?
After all the riholitn'aftwith SilAKES'EAUtE you've won,
Ahfor all tlle 'gft&tess'o'fiosn !
ti'ln. ilt- spit' oftfl:'lkea tvo'your pit how We flocked!
S'NouytlW'boxes,.dieas-circl and upper!
NCullwe!di'eam after this, that our hopes would be mocked
OfQltt1 diama you promised by TerrEU ?
You linetffiled in your truth (lilko the beautiful maid "
In'tie'sotig)-to your word have proved tniftbr.
YougaVO'us great treats in the dramas you played,
Butfouf led us to look for a greater!
As a' play-writer SuAsIsmeI'sal is thought pretty fair;
Nay, by some folks; he's deemed a sihpi-npper,
irULWBmn LrTTON'S not bad-! But where,.-WALm'irmoh!! whero
Is that drama by 1AnATIW F.-Turput ? .
Why should HE be unactedl? Why Turrmt ? B1ut I
Must needs bridle my just indignation.
Should I speak of ttie poet-rwithilltoi'ni who'd vie,
In-might load me' tbo'"'iSGul)Tfliteifn."
Ifsttbo had-it's-aslamo---oeroe than mortal can stand !
As-a' tar would say,-' Dash my lee scupper !"
Who's SUIAKSPEAltE'u ? Who's BULWBERu ? Wlo's oven BURNANI
That you precedence give them of TurrPER ?
'Twas announced in your bills-'twas proclaimed on the wall
TurrEu's drama should finish your season-
You'd but one night of TurPni. accord us, that's all!
More we could not well ask for in reason!
O'er vile Haymarket orgies that promise shed light-
The staggering, boosey, hiccupper
Cried, Right-1 am tight-but on Saturday night
I'll be sober to listen to T'urrs !"
But the last night has come, and the last night has passed,
And our TUrPEs remains still enacted :
(That Haymarket toper I'm told, at the last,
His pledge to keep sober retracted.)
Oh WALTER MONTGOMERtY much am I pained
By your conduct so highly imprupper;
Under falsest pretence you success have obtained,
The pretence of providing us TurI-Eu !
But we live in, alas a degenerate age !
"Breach of promise is now scarcely heeded;
"False pretensions," you know, are allowed on the stago
(What a rare lot of muffs have succeeded !)
Had you lived in more early-more rational times,
Tied on horseback-your face to the crupper,
You'd have had to do penance, for-foulest of crimes!-
Defrauding your audience of TUPPER !
Oh! sadly I gazed on your bills the last night,
They discoursed of The Lady of Lyons !
What to me your Claude Melnottes, I sobbed forth outright,
Your Othellos-your Hamlets-Ixions ?
Desponding I fled to my bachelor bed,
lHow I loathed the mere sight of my supper!)
w0io could eat, who could drink ?-who of comfort could think-?-
Thus debarred from enjoying his Turrt ?
I am ill-I'm laid up. I am dying-ah me,
Past all help from draught, bolus, or ointment;
The drama I longed for I never may see,-
Must die, and of sheer disappointment!
I've been bled-have used leeches-all surgeons I've triod,
E'en called-in an experienced cupper!
Soon a coroner's jury my case will decide,
Found dead from the want of his Tur'E E !"


[SEPTEMBER 23, 1865.



7 4?
A -N -At

Boy (who has been having a lark with the unfortunate animal):-" HERE xE Is, MUM, I COTCHED HIM UST AS HE WOS A-TRYING TO

SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. Did he, or did he not, prophesy Gladiateur for the Derby ?
Did he, or did he not, after Gladiateur was scratched for Goodwood,
THE ST. LEGER and went to nowhere in the market, deliberately assert that neverthe-
less he would win the St. Leger in a common canter ?
GLADIATEUR GLADIATEUR! GLADIATEUR I Did he, or did he not, when it was rumoured that the French stable
IMMENSE TRIUMPH OF NICHOLAS I ! was playing the most double-facedest of games, continue to assert that
THE FINE OLD PROI'HET RAISED TO A SPORTIVE PINNACLE the absolute winner at Doncaster would be Gladiateur ?
BELGRAVIA. Lastly, when it was publicly stated that the horse had gone
MR. EDITOR,-Please see that the above is printed in proper form, wrong and "was in the dead cart," did, or did not NICHOLAS,
not because NICHOLAS is vanity-glorious on his own personal account, heroically clinging to his own opinion like the needle to the rock,
but because it will help to stamp the reputation of the paper as a leastways the limpet to the pole, still advise you to stick to
Sportive vehicle and command esteem. He has himself been a large Gladiateur
winner, and hopes the same has been the case with you and the other Let Echo with her thousand voices, answer, "Yes, he did from
young gentlemen, than whom perhaps a more speculative body, the summit of the loftiest hill, and the darkest chasm of the deep
though quite affable I am sure, and would be glad to see them put ravine Yes! Others might waver, others might falter, but NICHOLAS
their legs under my mahogany. So much for private matters, and was firm. Others might go a wool-gathering after Klarinska and
now for the public portion of his letter. Breadalbane, and such like, but the Old Man never changed.
Well, my noble patrons, from the proud patrician down to the Gladiatour! he cried, in trumpet tones, and any one doubting such
lowest of the low, where do we stand at the present momentous and has only to refer to the First Volume of the New Serious, which is
eventful hour ? When we look around us in a comprehensive view, beautiful to look at in its bounden shape, when he will find what I may
what do we see ? When we review the transactions of the past, call heaps of prophetic voices to the same effect.
what is our position ? Ah, you should have witnessed the scene a few minutes after the race
Is NICHOLAS what he has been called by his detractors, or is he a was over, when the COUNT Dr LAGRANGE came up to shake the Old Man
Prophet fit to follow like a man and as a man in every sense of that by the hand, like one of Nature's sportive noblemen, being a man of ex-
proud epitaph ? Is he-to quote the vile abuse of his low-lived cellent birth, and knowing NICHOLAS to be also of a good family, one
calumniators-" a regular old duffer, wot doesn't know a three-year of my ancestors having been engaged in the Custom-house itself.
old from a moke"-"a superannimated tout with the gift of the gab NICHOrAS, mong voo," says that Count, "jo sweo extraymaymong
and nothing else"-or is he a true sportive man, a rare good judge of hooroo do voo vwoir,! Count," Ireplied, voo me faites superb !"
a horse's points, and the most direct, simple-minded, downright, which means, You do me proud! And it was just the same in a
upright, intelligible, unambiguous, and accurately vaticinatory Prophet lowlier sphere, GIUMSHAw, who hasn't a bit of arrogance about him,
in all England bar none ? and JIM MACE, than whom I'm sure a more affable celebrity though a
Why, my noble patrons, NICHOLAS is almost ashamed to trouble tremendous hitter, and the DUKE OF BEAUFOrT, and MR. JOHNNY
you with such ridiculous questions. He leaves his character to the GIDEON, and the MAnRoUIs oF HASTINGS all asking the Old Man what
judgment of the present and to the calm verdict of an impartial he would take, but stuck to his sherry wine.
future. And will likewise stick to his paper. NICHOLAS.

F U N .-SEPTEMBER 23, 1865.


Mr. Ruskin introduces his Model Servant to the British Nation.

SEPTEMBER 23, 1865.] F U N 17

[" L'EMrrEnEu NAPoLEoN, sur les temoignages avantageux qui
lui ont Wth rendus do la morality de Mrim. BROWN, ainsi de la repu-
tation distinguee qu'll s'est acquise dans sa profession disirant lui
donner une marque particulilre de sa bienveillance et do sa protection,
nous a ordonn6 de lui accorder le titre de Fournisseur de l'Imperatriee."
We were highly gratified, as we are sure our readers will be,
by having the above announcement forwarded to us; but on applying
to MIs. BRowN for confirmation of the statement, have been favoured
with the following reply:-]
Me appointed to the EMPEROR'S household? I'm sure I never
.shall forget the turn young SIMMONs gave me when he came in with
that paper as he'd been and copied out of a winder throw' being in a
west-end house, the' livin' at home with his mother, as steady a
woman as ever trod shoe-leather, tho' rather took up too much with
them Methodists for me, and a good son he'is I must say, the' fond
of his joke, and a-seein' a deal of life as is quite different at the west-
end, with their clubs and balls and other gimeracks, as must want
something' to do bad to give into such things. Well, when he comes
in he says, Your fortune's made, M as. Bnow-, the' I don't know
as BRowN will like it," I seemed quite took a-back, as the sayin' is.
So I says, Whatever do you mean ?P "Oh!" he says, "it's all
wrote out and signed regular, and I see it in a window myself, and
here's the copy, as our head man has been and told me the English on."
I says, Whatever are you a-jaggerin' about ?" Oh 1" he says,
"he's been and made you his fournisseur."
"His what?" says I. "Why, his fournisseur," says he, "as is
printed plain."
"What are you a-runnin' on at?" JI says. "'Who's been and
dared for to tamper with my name?" He says, "The EMPEROR
Who P says I. The EMPEROR," says he.
CHARLES SIMMONS," says I, whatever do you mean ?" "Why,"
he says, "there you are a-figgerin' in a window of a bonnet shop in
Bond-street as the EMPERoR's fournisseur."
You might a-knocked me backwards; as it was I dropped in a
chair like any one took silly, and if it hadn't been as the bottle was
on the table, as MRS. CHALLIN had brought in, as not hardly knowing
what I did I put to my lips, I do think as convulsions would have set
in. When I got on my glasses and looked at the paper, it wasn't
nothing but a lot of French gibberish. So I says, CHARLEY," I
says, whatever does it mean ? Why," he says, "our head man
has made it out for to mean as the EMPEROR having' heard speak of
the morality of MRS. BRowN, and a-wishin' for to give her a mark of
his esteem, and desiring for to take her under his protection, has
ordered her to be made his fourmmnisseur."
"But," I says, "whatever is a fournisseur ? He says, "As our
head man didn't know; but it was something like the EMPREss
I says, I never did. What insults to be sure, the willing! I've heard
tell of his morality, and a nice one he is. Take me under his protec-
tion indeed! I never did! I thought as he stared very hard at me
that time as he very near run over me thro' coming' between his
pheaton and a omnibus, not as I think much on him nor the
EMPREss neither. Why, they wasn't much better than myself a few
years ago, for I've heard them say as saw it, that the mob broke into
the Pallis, and throwed the Royal family and all the furniture out of
the window in heaps in the courtyard, and the destruction was
awful. It's lucky as they didn't cut their heads off as they did the
ones afore them, as it's disgraceful to hear about, and whatever them
police and soldiers could be a-doin' to stand by and allow such
goin's-on, as never is at their posts when they should be. So it
ain't a place as ever I should care to be in permanent, as you never
know when you go to bed to-night if you mayn't get up with a
riverlution a-runnin' thro' the streets in the morning' ; as I'm told
they barricadoed even to the busses, as must be easy done when you
see how three will block up the way; and innocent parties going' out
on a errand, and never come home thro' bein' shot down like dogs, him
a-givin' the order, as the poor old lady, as is a consurgery close by,
where we was a-stoppin', had a son, as fine a young man as was in the
Blues, and found his body a-welterin' in the sun, as the saying' is, and
never been right in her mind since, and when hearing' of a drum will
scream, and the only thing as pacifies her is hot charcoal to the feet
and knittin'-needles, as distracts the mind, as it will be sure to come
home to him, a ugly wretch to look at, the' it was as much as ever I
could do for to keep BRowN under for abuse agin the lot, as he says
one is as bad as the other of them as has power, as may be true, not
as ever I'll believe as the LORD MAYOR, as I've seen myself a-settin'
in his chains, would ever order any one to fire down Cheapside on
unoffendin' passers-by, for whoever would be safe; but them foreign
parts don't seem safe to me, for the people's got such squallin' ways,

and up in a moment over a game of cards. But certainly to iron and
get up fine things they are wonderful, not as I'mn bad myself, but
somehow the things smells stiflly thro' the charcoal, as is a thing as
would soon finish me, as it did them two young couple as lived near
where we was, as picked up a living' with a 'arp and wiolin a-singin'
at them coffees ; and hitter weather itras,when they .did it, and she
a-shiverin' with hardly a shoe to her foot &amd,a.wretched old..gown
with no bonnet on, as made my heart bleed a-seein' them .ass by,
and would have give 'cm a cup of soup with pleasure, tho' mot
a-knowin' the language, and didn't like to stop 'em, and that poor
girl, BROWN's niece, as bad as she could be, I was forced to stop and
nurse, and when I heard say as them poor creatures had been and
stifled theirselves thro' a-stopping every crevice with burning' charcoal,
I thought I should have dropped, as must have been drove to despera-
tion thro' hunger being' a sharp thorn, and if over I see a angel it
was that young gal with the large floppetywhito'bonnet on her head,
as come and took the little child as they left lmown along -ith 'then
porter, thro' not having' the heart to stilo it, and no -wonder, for it
was a beauty, and when that Sir do Charity, as they calls her,, como
for it, if she wasn't English.
So I says, "lMy dear, whatever are you a-doin' here away .'from
your friends in this outlandish place ?" But she sh says, "As she was
as happy as the day was long." And so she looked ; but I. couldn't
help having' a good cry for to think of her ; but, law bless you, 'I'm
told that them sirs is everywhere a-nussin' in the hospitals aid' on
the battle-fields, and gets nothing' for it but the blessings, as thf.y well
But them French is so singlor in their ways, for they're up'towOvery
game as you can think on, but, bless you,but, bless you, as sharp as nelts, 'as 1
soon found out, and certainly very polite, the' 1 have hmefd say as a
good deal of that is gone out along with the men a-kissin' and
a-huggin' whenever they met.
But certainly the soldiers is wonderful all over the place, and soame
on them heathen Turks as wild as alligators, not as ever I ffeltas at lall
afraid on 'em, for they seemed uncommon cheerful, the' given tolbo
boisterous; but as to their doin's it's wonderful, a-goin' anywhere
and everywhere just as that EIMPtnon orders, only I shouldn't adiaso
'em to come any of their nonsense in London, as is easyireachediliy
train, for I'm sure we shouldn't like their ways, as ove iders our own
soldiers a downright nuisance, as they always was when I lived near
them barracks in the Regency Park, where the fights was a downright
disgrace of a Sunday night, as I've seen myself stripped to the skins,
and all run away like mad from a single policeman, not as them
French seemed to quarrel much, as is fond of their dancing' and
rubbish of a Sunday cvenin', as I says it's better anyhow than
fighting' and stabbing' with them baggynets, as happenedd in a public-
house in Kentish Town, thro' the young gal a-refusin' to draw them
any more beer, and was disarmed in consequence, as is very proper in
my opinion.
But all I've got to say is that if the EMrnon have been and
put me down on his household, it must be thro' that Mn. SCRATCl.rxY'B
rubbish a-goin' on about me, as I should say there must be a law
again, or whoever can be safe in their beds, not as ever I wanted him
for to make e that notorious, and if BROwN had been half a man
he'd a stopped him long ago. But if they think as ever they'll get me
to turn French they're mistaken, for, law bless you, I can't speak a
word on it, as is the most tongue-tryingest rubbish, what 1 calls a
regular jargon, as the sayin' is, and swear in it frightful, as they do,
the' not much harm, as there ain't no meaning' in it.
So when I was got homo I says to BROWN that very night, I says,
"If they was to crown me to-morrow, I wouldn't go and live there.
'Why," I says, "they haven't got such a feather-bed as this not in all
Paris, and the' I must own as them mattresses is very comfortable,
nothing' suits my bones like a feather-bed, as I've been a-layin' on
this forty year, as was my dear mother's, and has had two new
ticks with the feathers baked and added to ; and if there is a thing as
brings me round it's a pint of fresh-drawed porter, as I owes my life
to,' and a good bit of wholesome meat is worth all their messes; and
I'm sure the dish-wash as they calls soup is wonderful to think on,
and they ain't no figgers to speak on with complexions like washed-
out calico. So," I says, "give me Old England arter all; for," I
says, "you may go further and fare worse, as the sayin' is." lBut,
bless you, BROWN was a-snorin', and so a-feelin' thankful as I was
min my own bed agin safe and sound, I soon dropt off.

In the Press, and shortly will be published.
Timeck's Doginmatisnms, by the author of rimnioek's Catecrhims..
Less-of-Me and Sillies, by the author of Sesamne and Lilies.
The Seizer of Life, by the author of The Life of Cwsar, with a few
words about the coup d'tat.



AIR, as when firstI used
to behold her-
Just the same wo-
man, not altered
a bit,
SEight years ago!
/- IWell, she hasn't
grown older-
(To judge from the
second row in
the pit.)
All the intelligence
flashing as
Out of her eyes-
all the humour
and wit.
Ahl! the same bear-
ing so easy and
(To judge from the
second row in
the pit.)

All that old elegance,
telling and skil-

Gesture to word,
word to gesture
so fit,
Simple or stately-
imperious or
S wilful-
(To judge from the
second row in
the pit.)

Well! the play's over. Before the green curtain
She bows, to applause ;-then the audience quit.
Just the same woman as ever, I'm certain-
(To judge from the second row in the pit.)
Round to the stage-door to watch her departure-
Yonder, close-shawled, 'tis she, surely, must flit!
Will her frowning be sterner, or smiling be archer,
Than it seemed from the second row in the pit ?
(He follows her. This is the result.)
She! But how changed! Roses withered to parchment.
Much then depends on the place where you sit;
I ne'er should have guessed what old Time's eight years'
I judged from the second row in the pit.


EDIron,-Like a bolt from a crossbow, like a stone from a
boomerang,* like a pickpocket from a policeman, I fly once more the
melancholy shores of dismal London. And whither? Ah, me, I
know not. Who may say where he shall eventually go ? But I
have ascertained this and placed it beyond a doubt, whatever my
ultimate destination may be, I have taken Antwerp on the road to it.
By steamship Baron Osy, 800 register, from St. Katherine's Docks
at noon on Sunday last. It's a handsome ship this Baron Osy-a
combination of the lona and the Maria Wood. Pleased to hear an
old lady, who had forgotten the ship's name, inquiring her way to the
Bernal Osborne. Comic captain, of pleasant, communicative turn of
mind. Wore a stove-pipe hat, and did not hitch his breeches. Took
us safely up the Scheldt notwithstanding.
Unattractive country, the Lowlands generally, I should say. May
have points which recommend it to croquet-players, billiard-players,
cricket-players, and stout elderly gentlemen with plethoric proclivi-
ties. But as I am none of these, my heart is not in the Lowlands, my
heart is not there. In point of fact I am sure of this, for the country
is so flat that you command the whole territory at a view, and if it
had been there I should have seen it. I have no doubt but that the
Flemish lodging-letters recommend their apartments as commanding
That's nonsense.-ED.

[SEPTEMBER 23, 1865.

a view of the Surrey hills. I would not live in Flanders for worlds-
those never-ending lines of short-cropped linden trees would drive
me mad. I don't know how it is with you, but it is thus with me:-
WFhene:'er I see a row oft substantives all alike, I always want to count
them. Area railings, the Guards in Hyde Park, irregularities in a
cornice, tufts on a counterpane, steps in a flight of stairs-no matter
what, so that there be many of them, I must and will count them.
It is so with these Lowland lindens. There are between Flushing
(oh! CAPTAIN MAnRRYAT and Peter Simple) and Helvoetsluys (oh!
Baron Munchausen) seven thousand and three of them, and between
Helvoetsluys and Antwerp there are three million four hundred and
thirty seven thousand six hundred and nine.
Twenty hours of it from St. Katherine's Docks brought us along-
side the Quai Van Dyck at Antwerp. I am afraid the Antwerpians
are a shiftless unreasoning set, or why should they take the trouble to
construct an erection after the manner of Cmsar's bridge over the
Rhine, to land passengers withal, when they could run an ordinary
landing-stage on board ? I assure you that this is an unexaggerated
account of the manner in which this bridge is built: first of all two
huge poles, of the length and thickness of the mainmast of a man-
of-war, are run out to the boat from the shore. These lie parallel to
each other, with an interval of about eight feet between them. Under
these are lashed smaller poles, which run transversely, and which act
as supports for the boarding of the bridge, which is subsequently laid
on to them by very small instalments. The bridge took. twenty
minutes to build !
To the Hotel St. Antoine, on the Place Verte, is a five minutes'
walk over those abominable round stones, without which no French
or Belgian provincial town can be considered complete. There is an
elaborately carved and gilded figure of the Virgin at every street
corner; if they would only economise in the matter of wooden holy
families, and spend their savings in paving stones, how much-how
very much-happier it would make the benighted Londoner !

DID I see you at the meeting of the British Association on Friday P
No P Oh! you ought to have been there. MR. GLAISHEIR has been so
near the moon that he has cut it into four quarters like an orange and
exhibited it in Section A, besides deciding that with a six-inch telescope
you would be sure to see a place like Birmingham in the moon, if
there were one-but as you can't, of course there isn't. Then DE.
SMIrrTH told you how much carbonic acid there was in the room (which
was a large quantity, there being two thousand persons present); and
MR. PAnxEs described a new stickment, invented by himself, called
Gutta Park6s. Then the Bessemer iron manufacture was explained;
and next DR. FAIRBAIRN made some very sensible remarks on the
question of grappling the Atlantic telegraph cable. Then came a
whole multiplication table of statistics in reference to the franchise.
But that was nothing to what followed.
You know Chiasmodus, of course ? No ?-why, I thought every
fellow know him. DR. CARTE does-knows him well-surprised you
don't. Thought 'twas a new "hair-oil" perhaps? Not at all; he's a
fish-a kind of miraculous bloater, only six inches long, that feeds on
other fish ten inches in length. You might not think it, but DR.
CARTE has heard of somebody, who has met a person related by mar-
riage to a deceased wife's sister of a gentleman who saw a fish ten
inches long in Chiasmodus's stomach! Fact, I assure you. Don't
believe me?-look here-it hasn't been equalled since the incident of
JoNxA swallowing the whale.
Notes on the voracity of Chiasmodus were read by DR. CARTE. Chiasmodus
was not an ancient Roman emperor, following the voracious practices of VITELLIUS
and others of equally high-sounding names; but he is a little fish six inches in
length, living in four hundred fathoms of water, his voracity evinces itself in his
devouring fishes ten inches long. At least, one of that length has been found in the
singularly elastic confines of Chiasmodus' stomach."
There! However, nobody knows what can be done in four hundred
fathoms of water, and if the fish ain't very long, ho's very deep.
After this I am confidently expecting a free pass," as reporter for
FUN, to see Tox THUMB swallow CHANG, the Fy-chow giant at the
Crystal Palace.

Aeronautic Intelligence.
THE papers are making a fuss because GonDARD had an upset out of
his balloon the other day. Why, of course, a fire-balloon can't get on
without a spill now and then.

THE Emancipation Society announces its dissolution, its object
having been secured. Why doesn't it go in for E-woman-cipation ?



IT's a singular fact that, whenever I order
My goblet of GUINNEss or bumper of BAss,
Out of ten or a dozen that sport round the border
Some fly turns a summersault into my glass.
Oh! it's not that I -. .l... him the liquor he's tasted
(Supposing him 1 ,i .1 to bitter or stout),
But consider the time irretrievably wasted
In trying to fish the small animal out!
Ah! believe me, fond fly, 'tis excessively sinful,
This habit which knocks even bluebottles up ;
Just remember what CASSIO, on getting a skinful,
Observed about "ev'ry inordinate cup! "
Reflect on that proverb, diminutive being,
Which tells us Enough is as good as a feast;"
And, mark me, there's nothing more painful than seeing
An insect behaving so much like a beast.
Nay, in vain would you seek to escape while I'm talking,
And shake from your pinions the fast-clinging drops,
It is only too clear, from your efforts at walking,
That after your malt you intend to take hops.
Pray, where is your home ? and oh! how shall you get there ?
And what will your wife and your family think ?
Pray, how shall you venture to show the whole set there
That PATERFAMILIAS is given to drink ?
Oh, think of the moment when Conscience returning
Shall put the brief pleasures of Bacchus to flight;
When the tongue shall be parch'd and the brow shall be burning
And most of to-morrow shall taste of to-night!
For the toast shall be hard, and the tea shall be bitter,
And all through your breakfast, this thought shall intrude ;
That a little pale brandy and Seltzer is fitter
For such an occasion than animal food.
I have known, silly fly, the delight beyond measure-
The-blissful sensation, -1prnin-rd and intense-
The rapturous, wild, and nr.. I i.L... pleasure,
Of drinking at somebody else's expense.
But I own-and it's not without pride that I own it-
Whenever some friend in his generous way
Bids me drink without paying, I simply postpone it,
And pay for it amply the following day !

Saa,-You may have read in the Times of the 2nd instant, the fol-
lowing account of the mechanical contrivances invented by MaR.
APPOLD, and applied to practical uses in his own house.
"The doors opened as you approached them, and closed after you had entered ;
water came unbidden into the basins; when the gas was lighted the shutters
closed ; a self-acting thermometer prevented the temperature rising or falling above
or below certain lixed points ; and the air supplied for ventilation was both washed
to cool and screened to cleanse it from blacks. Evwn the gates of his stablcyard
opened of themselves as he drove through, and closed again without slamming."
Stimulated by his example, I intend to set to work to invent the
following arrangements for my own domestic use:
1. A fire that will go out every night and return punctually by nine
the next morning.
2. A kettle that will boil with rage whenever I am insulted.
3. A paying-out machine for the especial benefit of dunning
4. A clock that is always running itself down.
5. A gold hunter that will ware wheat."
6. A hair-trigger which will do its own hair.
7. A hat that will take itself off, goodness only knows where.
More of this whenmy inventions are perfected. In the meantime,
I am yours,

The Last New Thing in Hats.
Ax impecunious friend of ours says he wants a new hat "like old
boots." We have heard of an animal that had a foot like a warming
pan, and a body like the keel of a ship, but a chapeau resembling ano
antiquated pair of Wellingtons is scarcely to be imagined.

Ax acquaintance who has been eating and drinking anyhow for
some years, is reduced to such a state that the coats of his stomach are
all out at the elbows.

ONE of the secrets of successful novel-writing consists in leaving
the fate of the hero and heroine of the story unravelled. This
possesses a double advantage. It saves trouble, and enables each
reader to wind up the narrative according to his or her individual
fancy. For the convenience of future novelists, we subjoin a few ter-
minations that want writing up to:
EVELINA and I stood at the edge of the moon-silvered lake, and
silently gazed into its deep intensity. And as we gazed, we two, we
pondered on What Had Been, What Was, and What Was to Come.
The Events of the Past were painted vividly on the tablets of our
memory. The Present was then and there before us, but the Future!
Ah, which of us could unravel it ?
Did I marry the Lady EVELINA, or did the fearsome burden of her
hideous crime force her untimely into an uncongenial sepulchre F
Perhaps. THE END.
I suppose it's not necessary to toll you how it all ended after ToM
and MARY parted, uncertain if they should ever meet again. Did
brave, honest-hearted Tou return from the far East, and if heo did,
would the fact of his having buried both his legs under the Russian
turf disgust MAnIY with her old, old love ?
Or did MA er marry lHElRuluT-tlhe true, the loving, and the patient ?
And CLARIREL, with her lovers, one on each arm and one walking
behind her, went forth into the moonliglit. All four were pensive.
CLARIREL because she knew not which of the three sho should choose,
the three because none knew which of them would be chosen.
Yet another picture, and I have done. CONSTANTINA in the gloomy
cell of the convent on the Rock. A gloomy, gloomy cell, illumined
by a flickering taper, and furnished with but a single rough-hewn
stool. Clad in the coarse grey serge of the sisterhood, she bent over
a volume of priestly lore. And as the solemn bell rung forth the
hour of midnight mass, she closed the book, and putting it in i recess
in the wall, she joined the saintly throng in the convent chapel.
Had the murderess repented ?
Who shall say ?

ANON sends us some verses, and requires, like hIis namesake in
SiiAKESirEAE's 8 enry thle Fourth-Anon-an onser as to the falte of his
lines. He adds, "if occasional contributions from your correspondent
would be acceptable, notify the same in your next." They will be ac-
ceptable-anon, which means by and by, which means not just directly.
J. L. should not attempt imitations of ballads which he himself
speaks of as inimitable. Besides his muso halts instead of tripping
JUVENIs.-We know the original of your "original sketch" very
PIrrFLrES.-If your happiness depends upon it you may tell thn girl
of your heart that the first celery cried in the streets is a head that
is bawled early. But if slse doesn't laugh, don't you cry.
MDIco.-You are right. Tuiran's tragedy would have been like
a blister, for in spite of the irritation it would cause it would have
drawn well for one night.
A Nors-KEEPER.-Your butcher had no business to call yon an old
cockney for leaving off beef, though you did drop your aitch (bone).
ANGELINA tells us she is "just married" (we are glad she just
managed it; it must have been a near shave), and wants a few house-
hold receipts to begin housekeeping. As beef is not certain she had
better pot a few geraniums instead. They will be nice with bread
and butter for lunch. In making pies, she should remember that
flatten, is never thrown away, and butter the dish, or they may not
turn out well. When she happens to forgot to order in any dinner she
had better roast her husband till he looks done quite brown. In order to
see whether sausages are made of pork or of kittens, get a string, tin
a wisp of paper to the end, and drag it about near the sausage. If the
sausage runs after it it is not fit to cat. If it does not, it may or may
not be, according to circumstances.
T. J., M. L., A FRIEND, F. S., A CONSTANT SusSecnIn rm, M. F. T.,
etc., etc., will see that in accordance with their request, "Buoyed with
Hope" has been printed separately on toned paper, and may be ob-
tained at the office.

SEPTEMBER 23, 1865.]

20 F T T 18'TFi!EEE 23, J1865
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EARLY this month the usual Greenwich Hospital match between
the one-armed and the one-legged pensioners came off at the Oval,
.though far from an-oval sight now, owing to frequent repetitions.
The one-legged, having won the toss, put their best legs-that is,
'their wooden ones-foremost, and went in. They began with some
capital hitting, and scored scores of runs. The turf between the
wickets began very soon to look like a cribbage-board, owing to their
pegging away. BEN BOaSTAY, one of the best bats on this side, was
run out early, owing to his having got his wooden leg into a drain-
pipe between wickets, which prevented his running home. Another
good player was declared out by the umpire-",wooden leg before
wicket." After this the wickets were lost rather rapidly, the last
going down to 81 in the shade.
Five minutes' interval was allowed for refreshments before the
second part of the entertainment.
The one-armed went in. TOM BowLINE, the first wicket, unluckily
had his head knocked off by the roundhand bowling. He subsequently
accounted for this by saying that when he was NELSON's bo'sun he
never ducked for a shot, and he wasn't going to bob for a ball. The
fielding of the one-legged was excellent. The manner in which JACK
MALINmSPixE, who was standing mid-wicket, managed a very hard
hit-up, by taking off his timber limb, and catching the ball in the top
as if playing at cup and ball, excited the warmest admiration.
The one-armed went out at the end of the first innings with a score
of seventy-eight, according to the documents furnished to us. We
have submitted them to Mn. BABBAGE, who has called in his Calcu-
lating Machine, and assures us that a score being twenty cannot possibly
be seventy-six. We are therefore compelled reluctantly to believe
that some one has boon tampering with the returns.
The second innings of the one-legged opened after a few very
interesting experiments in alcoholic hydrostatics. Unfortunately the
very first ball brought the proceedings to an abrupt conclusion. A
well-delivered roundhander it came straight at the wicket, but the
batsman standing a little wide, it struck his wooden leg, glanced
upwards, and, catching him in the mouth, knocked three of his re-
maining teeth short off. An eminent dentist was fortunately on the
spot, and kindly consented to take the post of umpire. The stumps,

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Do
80, Fleet-street, E.C

therefore, were drawn (by congelation) at a quarter past four, and the
poor sufferer is progressing favourably, though at his age (ninety-two)
it is hardly to be expected that his loss will be repaired.
The whole passed off most satisfactorily, and there was a large
attendance of the supporters of the manly game, together with a few
distinguished members of the swell mob, to whom we owe the reflec-
tion that to walk home this hot weather from Kennington to
Bayswater with a cold in your head and no pocket-handkerchief is
indeed distressing.

"LOVE took up the glass of Time!"
So asserts the Poet Laureate;
Here's a theme to point a rhyme
Or the moral of a story at.
In return for Cupid's theft,
Time-you'll think him rather stupid-
Time went shooting right and left
With the bow and shafts of Cupid.
Guided by their gods above,
Mortals fell to evil-doing;
All the folks that knew young Love
Straightway lost their Time in wooing.
This was not the only crime
Wicked human-nature cherished;
For by way of killing Time,
People fell in love and perished !

NOTICE.--By the desire of numerous correspondents, copies of
printed on toned paper, may now be obtained at the Office, price One Penny.
Now ready, the Eighth Half-yearly Volume of FITN, being
handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4s. 6d.
Now Ready, the TITLE, PREFACE, AND INDEX, forming an extra
Number, price One Penny. Also, now ready, Part IV.

etors' Conmmnons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at
--September 23, 1865.



SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.]


OUr A Wou "LUn'r WBA.

Their artificial flowers are gold,
With glittering stem and leaf and petal
(At eighteen carat price they're sold,
Although they're nothing but Dutch metal);
Among their curls is gold dust spilt,
In golden nets and combs they're flaunting;
Alas, where there is so much gilt
We scarce dare hope that crime is wanting:-

TIE Y tell me if I longer stop,
To be a bachelor I'm fitted;
My barber hints at thin a-top,"
My married friends soiy "antiquated."
Ali, well! in spite of thinning locks,
I aren't indulge the tender passion.
And married friends ? The tail-less fox
Declared that tails wore out of fashion!
I've pleasant rooms in Gray's Inn Square,
That look upon a grove umbrageous.
I've not a dun-I've not a care-
Not c'en a carious tooth outrageous.
Society receives me well;
I'm up in all that's on the tapis;
And yet-though why I cannot tell-
I'm somehow not entirely happy !
I have my melancholy fits,
And oft indulge in visions tender,
Of one who opposite me sits,
With tiny feet upon the fonder.
"Who she's to be I've ne'er surmised-
My wife of dreams, ideal darling !
The hope will no'er be realised-
So you'll forgive a little snarling!
And why ? Because, I must confess,
The female sex is so expensive,
And spends such awful sums on dress,
A man must stand on the defensive ;
Ringlets-not rings-their caskets fill,
And chignons have in price so mounted,
No longer their hairdresser's bill
A hairy nothing can be counted.

Infanticide, in short-which blots
Just now old England's boasted progress.
For every girl, who spends such lots
Of money, seems a cruel ogress;
And why ? Because statistics prove
(While vainly ogle, worship, sigh men)
IHer tastes expensive smother Love,
And in his own knot strangle Hymen.

WE presume there are very few of our readers who are in the habit
of seeing The Spiritual Times. Indeed the mere fact of their being
such sensible fellows as to peruse their FUN with regularity ought to
be in itself a sufficient guarantee against the suspicion of their wasting
their time and intellect over the blasphemous and inane twaddle of
this special organ of the spirit-rappers, table-turners, tom-fool-
knotophobists, et hoc genus omnne. We who, of course, and as a matter
of duty, read everything, have recently come across a bit of more
than usual merit.
In a late number of the Spiritual Times a correspondent who prints
his name in full, and appends thereto the honourable initials M.D.,"
likewise adding F.R.C. Physicians, Edinburgh," gives an account of
an interview he had enjoyed with the spirit of the late lamented DR.
PleCHnAUn, recently executed for the murder of his wife and mother-
in-law. We will be more considerate of the writer's reputation than
he has been himself, and so we suppress his name. Lest, however, our
doing so should in the least degree weaken our readers' faith in the
truth of what he states, we will add that the interview he narrates
took place in a locality, and in a presence which will at once preclude
all possible suspicion of deception. The interview, in fact, took place
at the residence of that most notorious of mediums, Mis. MARSHALL..
The ghost of PRITCHARD, duly summoned, gave a most woeful ac-
count of his position. In fact he was as badly off as ghost could be.
We shrink from the irreverence, the blasphemy we would say, of
giving in detail the questions and answers as printed in the article
from which we quote. However, there we have it in black and white,
the spirit of PtIrTCeIAD was in a "parlous state." After for some
time putting leading questions, the replies to which all tended one
way, we find the interrogator asked the spirit,
"Do you suffer from heat ?"

VOL. It. C

This was certainly, to say the least of it (considering where tihe
ghost had come from), a mild way of putting it. The spiritualists by
their wild assertions have long since proved they are "not particular
to a shade," though it now seems they are considerate to a ghost!
And there are men living in our own day, men entitled to write
themselves down"-wo had nearly finished DooniEtuY's famous line
-to write themselves down M.D.'s, who can believe in this horrible,
this blasphemous tomfoolery.
The same paper contains the following as an advertisement:-
"Any gentleman suffering under the known system of hiring or employing some
party to watch and keep tihe Eye upon a person by overlooking him, fascinating,
listening backwards to him (in Arabic ILIIAN), crying out of persons around him
by word, act, or gesture; hancking, bewitching, blowing upon, setting a watch
upon him, &c., whether for the purpose of obtaining charges of Insanity against
him, for other purposes, or from any other motive, is requested to communicate
with L. P. T., Library, 88, Park-street, Camden-town, London, N.W., with a view
to co-operation in obtaining recognition, by statute, of the notorious and well-known
existence of the practice, and the enactment of a punishment as felony, Statutes 1
Jac. 1 c. 12, &c., &c., for the offence.
N.. None but bona title communications will be attended to.
"Number of madhouses, 219: and lunatic population, 89,757-in the united
We have ourselves such a tremendous character for joking, that we
feel our readers will refuse to take us au ser e x under any circum-
stances whatever. But if they will only this once allow us to be in
earnest, we pledge our editorial word of honour-nay, we will, if
necessary, swear by our editorial gum-bottle and pen-knife (wo scorn
the paste and scissors"), that the above was really printed by move-
able types in a newspaper during the latter half of this enlightened
nineteenth century, and was Now, as they would doubtless imagine,
written in black letter by some old superstitious monk in the dark
We suppose we must speak of the Spiritual Times in the style uni-
versally adoptedby one journal towards another, as our contemporary "
though, of a truth, the phrase seems strangely out of character.



SN E hardly knows
--_ whether the Irish
------ Government is right
or not in taking
-- strongmeasureswith
.... theFenians. Itmay
~-s .- make the nation
Think too highly of
the silly vapouring
of a few foolish men,
and yet, if disre-
garded, the so-called
oi i \Brotherhood might
have become really
t, troublesome if not
dangerous. About
Q gone thing, however,
there can be no
doubt: the steps the
Government deter-
mined upon were
carried out with
promptitude and
S_ prudence. Even the
t ..great master of c ups
d'cddt must acknow-
ledge that the blow could not have been better struck.
THE nine days' wonder which has lent an additional lustre to the
great and glorious name of SMITH has collapsed. The groom and the
lady retire into the privacy from which they should never have been
dragged to fill the heads of stableboys with dreams of ambition, and to
set a had example to silly and romantic girls. SrMITH appears to have
behaved with the honesty and straightforwardness one would expect
of a S p iu, but the girl seems to have an absurd and-I was going to
say unstable, but that won't do-a flighty mighty, combined with
great stable-ity of character.
Hiow very pleasant it is to hear of the engines snorting defiance at
the Sabbatarians on the Scottish Sunday. The fanatics did wisely to
put forth all their strength in the attempt to keep out the great
civilizer steam. There will be less drunkenness throughout Scotland
on a Sunday now-less drunkenness with whiskey and less with
spiritual pride, which is the very worst form of intoxication. If the
Scotch bigots did not belong to a class who obstinately shut their eyes
to facts they would know that wherever Sunday excursions have been
introduced intemperance has decreased. The public houses in London
which used to be besieged on Sundays have many of them, since the
spread of the excursion train movement, had to shut up on that day
for want of trade.
THE great Schleswig Holstein question has resolved itself in a very
simple-if not a satisfactory--manner. Prussia takes the lot, which
quite does away with any difficulty that might have arisen from the
sub-division of the provinces.
VnA r a funny notion it is-this hob-nobbing of the broad majesty
of Spain with the acute ErrEaiOnR Or FRANCE Fancy a Bourbon
Queen interchanging visits with a Bonaparte. But he is a very
knowing carl that EamiEROR-more knowing than all the kings in the
pack-land if he can only get a consolidation of the Latin races-a
"federation of the world "-with a general disarmament, he will be
able to put the whole civilized world into his pocket. And, upon my
word, he will deserve it!
I-IN the absence of the Editor, who I know is out of town for a few
days-must express a hope that now our gracious sovereign has been
to Coburg, and has devoted so many )years to mourning, we may be
allowed to see her among us again. And it is on that account that I
grieve to see too much stress laid on the "never-to-be-forgotten" in a
document, signed by Loan GRANVILLE, and addressed to the munici-
pality of Coburg. There is little chance of a death being forgotten,
which, apart from the sorrow to a whole people, has fallen like a blight
upon the country, and crippled trade for nearly four years.
I suoup, have liked to be present at the laying of the first stone of
the HERBuERT Memorial House for Convalescents. It is erected in
memory of a good man whose good works live after him. The soldiers
of the British army must remember the one Secretary of State for
War who thought of them as men instead of machines, and to whom
they owe the few measures that have ever been passed-I had almost
said introduced-in the British Parliament for many a long year.
The ceremony must have been impressive, for SOTIrERON EsTCOURT
can speak, and when SAM. Oxox puts his heart into what he is saying
-which is not always-there is no one living, except GLADSTONE, who
can beat him at oratory.

[SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.

I HAVE reason to believe that although the potato disease is prevalent
the cattle disease has not-except in a few instances-spread beyond a
hundred miles from London. The pasture lands of Somerset and
Devon are studded with healthy cattle, and the beef in those parts is
delicious. The weather is splendid-almost tropical. The trees have
only just begun to put on the autumnal gold, and they give back the
sun's glory in style. Insect life is very abundant in the country-
butterflies are plentiful, and if you take tea in the open air you may
count upon having a few dozen gnats and flies in your cup.
FnoMs that last paragraph I'm afraid some people may be led to
suppose that the Saunterer in Society is out of town. Well! .as there's
no society in town now, where is he to go to saunter ? Neverthelees
I shan't confess. But I will tell you this much-that to go to a
cucumber frame, and pick a cucumber as long as my hand, with all
the fresh blue bloom on.it, and eat it then and there without condi-
ments, and with the rind on, is about as jolly a thing as I know-
much pleasanter (I say this behind the editor's back, for I know he's
out of town) than editing a comic paper.

On, Nature, Nature! you're enough
To put a quaker in a huff,
Or make a martyr grumble.
Whenever something rich and rare,
On earth-at sea-or in the air-
Is left in your especial care
You always let it tumble.
You can't, like other folks, confine
Your talents to the hardware line,
And break the trifles they break;
But, spurning anything so small,
You take our nights and let them fall;
And every morning-worst of all-
You go and let the day break.
You drop the rains of early Spring,
That set the wide world blossoming;
You drop the beams that mellow
The grain towards the harvest-prime;
You drop, too, at the autumn time,
With breathing from a colder clime,
The dead leaves, sore and yellow.
You drop and drop; and I've no doubt
You'll go on dropping things about,
Through fine and stormy weather,
Until the day when you shall find
You're growing weary of mankind;
And then you'll soon make up your mind
To drop us altogether!

An Extravagant Climb.
I WONDER why it is," remarked our tailor the other day, "that
people who are fond of running up bills never seem to come down with
any money." We were so much struck by the philosophy of the
remark that we immediately ordered a gorgeous coat.

The Sweets of Office.
APA, the newspapers complain,
A minister but wishes,
His hold of office to retain
For the mere loaves andfislhes.
What fishes? Whitebait ? Eh, papa?
To like that's no disgrace!"
Boy, they like whitebait well-but, ah,
Much better like their pla(i)ce."

A vouxG friend of ours who recently suffered from the presence of
a stye in one of his eyes derived considerable benefit from the appli-
cation of cold pigs.

THE erection of a JENNER monument by the inhabitants of Boulogne
is an act that will certainly be regarded as a monument of JENNER-
osity and friendly feeling exhibited by our neighbours and allies.

SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.]


THE old saying that "after a storm comes a qualm," is one the
truth of which has often been experienced by NICHOLAS whilst sailing
on the bosom of the mighty deep; for yachting, as I have frequently
explained to the sportive public, through the medium of your vehicle,
although a noble sport, is one that is less suited to render the Prophet
supremely happy than to cause him to lie down on his back as flat as
a flounder fish, and writhing with intense agony all round the pit of
his stomach. It is just the same in the racing world. The excitement
of the St. Leger, where NICHOLAS again showed in his best form, has
been succeeded by a period of comparative qualm. It would be easy
enough for your Prophet to fill a column with an analysis of the
weights for the Caesarewitch and Cambridgeshire; and, of course,
when the period for these contests draws a little nearer, the old man
will be all there with a tip, which will astonish the sportive public,
and enable those who faithfully follow my advice to land a pot of
NIGIOLAS, however, has neither time nor inclination to go scribbling
about a lot of minor meetings, in which only the lowest of touts can
take any serious interest. It is the proud prerogative of the Prophet
to reserve his energies for great occasions, and then to come down
upon the correct card like a rolling avalanche. After having foretold
in a single season the absolute winners at Epsom, Ascot, and Doncaster,
I can afford to rest amongst my laurels, and even, as it were, to nod"
like "the blind old bard of Scio's rocky isle." I allude, of course,
to the eminent writer HOMER, one of whose pleasing little poems has
been lately translated by the EARL OF DERBY, a true sportive noble-
man, and an eloquent advocate of those Conservative principles, than
which I am sure none are more in accordance with those of NICHOLAS
himself, though a little unpopular.
But, sir, I am not merely a sportive editor; I am also a citizen and
a householder. In this capacity I am naturally interested in the great
question of domestic servants, besides having once been employed
that way at a epoch when your Prophet's star was rather under a
pecuniary cloud than absolutely shining in the firmament with
dazzling lustre.
The private opinion, then, of NIcuoLAS, which he fearlessly makes
public, is that servants are a bad lot.
A gentleman by the name of RUSxIN (whom I believe to be some-
thing in the building way, from the manner whereby he goes talking
about architectural subjects) has had the cool assurance to say that
we, we, the gentlemen of England, the possessors of territorial acres or
of funded capital, should treat our servants as if they were our sons.
Now, sir, in the first place, this can't apply when the sex of the menial
is really effeminate; and, in the second place, what could be more
ridiculous than for the Prophet-a man of property and position, to
say nothing of his time of life-to allow his groom to come up to him
of a night, when, perhaps, he is sipping of his quiet gin and water,
or thinking over his next contribution to the New Serious, and kiss him
before going to bed? The idea is absurd, which it may be all very
well for builders, but would never answer the genuine aristocracy of
the land.
It has also been asserted that, although effeminate domestics are
troublesome to manage, there is no real difficulty in dealing with men.
To that statement I am prepared to give a distinct denial, and would
back my opinion, since speaking from experience, than which I am
sure nothing is more elevating of the mind, though a little ex-
In early life-in fact, until a comparatively recent period-the
position of NICHOLAs, despite his industry, good conduct, and genius,
was not of a character to require him to maintain an extensive esta-
blishment of menials. Well, the tide turned; industry and integrity
asserted themselves by raising of the Prophet to a pecuniary pinnacle,
but from that moment, Mr. Editor, I have been rather the slave of my
domestics than their master. Sir, their yoke is one than which I am
sure that of DioNYsius or the French Revolution was nothing, though
a little cruel. My valet dictates to me as to what clothes I ought to
wear, and when I remonstrate he takes it out of me by quoting his
late master, a nobleman, who is now gone to rack and ruin, but was
formerly on the turf, and used to men servants all his life. My cook
sends me up a lot of foreign kickshaws, when Lord knows I would
rather have plain roast and boiled; my butler almost obliges me to
drink sour stuff, which makes me bad in my inside, when I really
would prefer a good honest glass of sherry wine; coachmen, footmen,
grooms, gamekeepers (especially Scotch ones), all lead me a life of
gilded servitude. And, by Jove, sir, there are times when the old
man half believes that he was really happier when engaged in the
Alderman's family, and never stinted in his meat or drink !

WE have no news whatever, and we have no scruple in announcing
the cheering fact. If the newspapers, we mean those newspapers that
consider themselves serious, were only equally candid! What a mag-
nificent line is that of CANNING's IKnife Grinder, Story, GoD bless
you! I have none to tell, sir." Line! It is a speech, and a great
speech, honest, truthful, and sincere. But that Knife Grinder would
not have succeeded in life as a literary man, quite the reverse.
Not being enabled to say what has been, let us say what is going to
be. Ere these lines are stereotyped for the happiness and guidance of
future ages, Drury Lane will have opened with Macbeth and Conius.
SHAKESPEARE and MILTON on the same night. Who after this shall
say that the present is not an intellectual era ? Bravi FaLcoNmti
and CHATTERTONI, and please have Dante's LI/ferno dramatised and
brought out with new diabolical ellects, as soon as possible. Ere these
lines are stereotyped for the happiness and guidance of future aces, the
Prince of Wales' Theatre will have opened, and I iss MiAlIE WVILTOrN
(bless her !)-excuse the parenthesis-and her clover troupe, including
AIu. JOHN NUBBLEY CLAUIKE, will have returned from their provincial
engagements to their natural and proper postal district. And hero we
would ask our readers to remark the hardships to which authors are
subjected. During their tour the Prince of Wales' company played in
Devonshire, and the following notice appeared in a local paper:
TimEATRE ROYAL.-Notwithstanding the heat, Miss MARI: KWu],.r's company
hits drawn good houses this week, andl Wayster* tBYtON having llwprinltendrld Ihe
production of his renowned pieces, everything has gone off upnoariously. It has
been a merry week indeed. Lord Dundreary is to appear on Muonday in the pllrion
of the inimitable Mt. SOTuIERN, on which subject a word is sufficient."
Now this is too bad. To be called a "wag" is annoyance enough,
but to be dubbed a wa qster is a sort of superlative insult.
The new burlesque for the Prince of Wales is founded on the story
of the Bride of Lammermoor, and it is said (an dit, you know) that
a serious drama is to be brought out at the Lyceum on the same
subject, with Mfi. FECuTER as the hero. Should not the title of the
Lyceum play be Edgard et sa bonne Lucia ?
But this is not all. There are pippins and cheese to tome," The
Strand is about to re-open, and the Haymarket, and the St. James's,
and the Covent Garden English Opera, and all the pieces to be pro-
duced are to be successful, and the authors brilliant, and the artists
transcendent, and the managers spirited and enterprising, and the
box-keepers courteous and obliging, and the supernumerarws elegant
and gentlemanlike, and the stage manTagers intelligent, and the cities
honest, fearless, and outspoken ; in fact, if the above prograiiiie 1bo
adhered to, the theatrical season of 1865-6 will be the most wonderful
season ever seen, or hitherto attempted in Europe, Asia, Africa,
America, or Polynesia.

Oh, rus !" (Quotation. I've no books
Of reference here- don't know who said it.)
How beautiful the country looks!
The fields one hasn't got to edit.
The leaves (not black and white but green),
The well-red (that is scarlet) poppy,
The pools, that mirror back the sceno
(One's ne'er kept waiting for their copy),-
The trees that murmur (not find fault
As readers do with publications)-
All these delights, combined, exalt
Our holidays to jubilations.
And last-at night with weary eyes
We go to sheets we have not to revise

DEAn Sim,-A few weeks ago you benevolently replied to a few im-
portant questions with which I ventured to trouble you. Emboldened
by my success, I venture to implore you to tell me
1. Why is a tooth-pick like an engraving ?
2. If a layman purchases a jewelled collier on credit, why may it be
inferred that he has not bought it for himself?
3. Why is a ferocious ape like a cook at JOE'S ? And
4. Why is a ferocious ape like a female cricket?
Ever yours,
%* 1. Because it's a pick-chewer.
2. Because it's for a necklace-he-has-tick.
3. Because it's a griller.
4. Because it's a grylla. Be happy. En.



[SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.

British Householder :-"MY DEAR, HERE'S THE NEW COOK JUST COME."

As the advent of the 1st of September is a terror to the partridge,
so is the approach of the 29th to the tenant. There is, however, this
great distinction between their several cases. There is "no quarter "
for the partridge. Happy would be the tenant were there none for
Quarter-day customs vary in different countries. In Ireland, on the
approach of rent-day tenants usually shoot their landlords; in England
they generally shoot the moon.
The ancient Romans were very harsh in the exaction of their
quarterly dues. SHAKESPEARE, in his play of Julius Coesar, makes
Mark Antony thus denounce one Casca, a terribly grasping landlord
of the period :
See what a rent the envious Casca made !"
Should a landlord, unable to obtain payment from his tenant, resort
to the remedy afforded him by law, the immediate result of his so
doing is a case of real distress." So distressing indeed is the mere
contemplation beforehand of such an emergency, that we absolutely
find inanimate objects even, such as chairs and tables, and other articles
of household furniture, completely moved thereby. It is somewhat
paradoxical, by the way, that though the landlord, by his threats, is
the real instigator of the movement, it is generally the opposite party,
the tenant, who leads the van.
Any goods found upon the premises, whether the tenant's own, or
those of a lodger, or other party, may be seized for rent. This is by
many deemed unreasonable, but the maxim of the law is that the
landlord must take things as he finds them," in other words that the
ownership of moveable property can, in landlord's logic, only be argued
from the premises.
Michaelmas (or any other of the legal quarter-days) is an admirable
period for a poet, or any person unable to pay his rent (our readers

will pardon the tautology), to versify his intpcuniosity in an ode,,
commencing, let us say, Owed to my Landlord."
In Ireland just now there is a great agitation going on for tenant
right." In' England just about this time of year, landlords find on
the contrary, a great many cases of tenant left."
Tenants who are anxious to retain their holdings, and their good
name in society, will manage to make up their rent by "hook or by
crook." Those who are less particular will omit the latter part of the
problem, and will simply hook it."
On the whole, we may conclude that during the next few days there
will be a considerable number of vans, carts, and waggons employed
in moving furniture. We should counsel landlords fearing surreptitious
evasions to wait for the waggon," to see where it is going to; to take
care that their hopes of payment do not vanish in the van, and so
carefully to visit every cart that no fraudulent tenant shall get his
goods away without his landlord's cart de visit.

On-dit from Brest.
WE understand that it is the opinion of many who were present at
the banquet on board the Ville do Lyons, during the recent visit of
our fleet to France, that the speeches delivered below did not come up
to the dec-orations.

Literary Intelligence.
MR. RusKiN we see has published a lecture upon "Queen's
Gardens." We understand that he will shortly follow it up by others
upon Porchester Square and Westbourne Park, and so go the round of
the charming neighbourhood.



IF U 1N".-SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.


SEPBExB 30, 1865.]


WELLr, then, in my opinion he don't know nothing' about it, and
di don't ought to write such rubbish. However should he, as is only a
stonemason, or something like that, leastways a architect, as is the
same thing as a builder, as I heard BRowN say when he was a-rcadin'
to me last Sunday evening .
I says, "What rubbish," I says, "a-talkin' about slaves as did used
to be all black, and I'm sure I never should fancy my meals cooked
by niggers, thro seen' one of 'em once make a curry with his own
hands, a-squeezing of it about, as is always unpleasant even when
washed constant, as any one as is black would no doubt consider
waste of time, as is the reason as I don't hold with black stockings,
as never was allowed in service when I first went out, as my dear
mother used to say, Dress respectable and not over your station,'
words I always kep' in mind when a-layin' out my quarter wages,
when things wasn't what they are now for price, and have give
tenpence and a shillin' a yard for a cotton dress, as always looked
well and washed to the last, with my cap a-coverin' my hair well for
to keep out the dust when sweeping and my sleeves tucked up and a
apron as tied round me; but, law bless you, now-a-days there they are
with a bit of a fancy rag stuck at the back of their heads, and a nice
mess they gets into a-shakin' a bit of bed-side carpet even, and their
crinolines, as shows disgraceful when a-cleanin' of door-steps, and on
a Sunday they're a sight."
It was only last week as 5JANx CHALLIN come home to see her
mother, as is out in place somewhere westwards, and never did I see
such foolishness-a bonnet as looked that bold, with a red rose stuck
in the middle, and a fancy shawl, with a dress as is made for to look
like silk, bein' nothing' but cotton and worsted.
So I says, "JANE," I says, "it's all very well for to spend every
farthin' on your back, a-coverin' it with rubbish, but you might buy
useful things, and have a trifle to spare for your mother, as has a hard
struggle with seven." She says, My young gentleman likes me to
look like a lady when we walks out on a Sunday."
"Oh," I says, "indeed! then it's a pity if he's a gentleman as he
lets you keep in place. Why don't he marry you off-hand ?" She
says, "He will as soon as he gets a pound a week, as he only haves
eighteen shillins now."
I says, "Pray, whatever is he?" She says, "iHo's in the haber-
dashery business."
"Well, then," I says, "whatever do you mean by ladies and
gentlemen, as is your betters, as you are only a-apin'," for, bless you,
that young man he comes out in his patent leather boots, as makes a
ugly foot look bad in my opinion, and he's got his fine ties and
light gloves, as I suppose he gets for nothing with a flower in his
coat and a beastly bad cigar a-smokin' constant. Them cheap clothes
never looks well beyond a Sunday or two, and there they are a couple
of fools as will marry y on a pound a week, and come to
pawnin' the very bed from under 'em.
I says, JANE, if he's a shopman and you're a general servant (as
is the word, for, bless you, she was up in a moment because I said
maid-of-all work), why don't you save all as you can; for she's got
a good place, as I considers eight pounds a year with everything
found her, and only a widder lady to wait upon; but not she, the
more she gets the more she'll spend; as certainly I do pity them poor
lodgin'-house gals, as gets p'raps four pounds and a turn-up bed in
the washus, thro' all the family occupying' the kitchens, as was nine
in all, and let the whole house out, and what that gal had to do isn't
for to be reckoned up till she was took with fits, and died in the
workhouse infirmary, as was all brought on by bad livin'.
But as to Mn. yIAGSKIN, or whatever is his name, he must be a
'downright idjot, not to say a brute, for wherever is the use of talking
about beating' of a servant gal, as he'll find the law don't allow, so he'd
better not try it on like the master of the workhouse, as was properly
punished, tho' I must say as them creatures in the workhouse is a bad
lot, and what aggravates me is to think of the downright wickedness
of putting a lot of young gals in the same place as the vilest wretches
as disgraces the streets, and the langwidge that awful, as a young
Irish gal I once had told me as she'd rather lay down and die than go
back, as was a good gal but simple like. No more she didn't, but
went out as a emigrant in a family; and as to havin' of servants for
ladies to treat 'em like sisters. Oh, indeed! I suppose drink tea and
play the pianer together. Why Mil. RAGSKIN must have been
I dare say, indeed, and whatever is the lady's husband to do. He
.couldn't set by and see MATiY AxN put on coals or go to open the
door. It's my opinion that there's some folks as is always a-writin'
and a-talkin' about what don't concern 'em.
You can easy tell as Mi. RAGSKIN don't know nothing' about ser-
vants, and I'm sure he can't have talked it over with no lady as keeps
a house; but law, we all know that them old bachelors don't know
nothing' as lives in chambers. Not as I'm one for keeping servants
down, and well I remembers my own missus, who was a good mother

and wife, and kept house like a angel, she always spoke proper, but
wouldn't have no rubbish, and tho' when alone she'd say to me,
"MARTHA, bring your work and set with me," I always knowed my
place, and would read beautiful to me, and never would allow no
followers nor Sunday evenin' church, nor none of that, but would say,
"If you wants to go out on Sunday evening' say so honest;" but
church was never no excuse for her, as is the greatest rubbish, as I've
heard lots of servant gals say as one went in for to hear the text and
told the rest, is was a family where the master always asked 'cm
solemn of a Sunday evening' what discourses they heard, as had better
have minded his own business and set a good example. Not as I
mean to say a word agin discourses, as is proper, nor goin' to a place
of worship, only it's a pity for to look too close into them matters, as
is people's own concerns, and only causes hypocrisy and lies, as the
sayin' is.
I've lived as servant seven years in one place and three in another,
as BuOWN married me from, and always respected throw' a-respcetin'
my betters, and as I've heard my dear missus say often and often
when I'd go to see her, MARTnA BiuowN, depend on it good servants
makes good places, for people ain't such fools as to part with what
suits 'em; but now, bless you, there's such servants as you can't keep
pace with, for," says she, I went to call on my friend, Muis.
WENABLES, the other day, and says to the housemaid, Is your missus
at home I'll see,' says the girl, if MiRs. WENABILES is.' 1 says,
'Ain't you her servant then ?' as made her look foolish."
But it's all the ruin of the servants that cheap rubbish of dress arul
too much reading as is all very right in its way; but a parcel of idle
young hussies out with children in them perambulators, a-lettin' of
their heads hang over enough to bring on fits, and a-runnin' into you
with that front wheel thro' them a reading' as they goes along, and of
all the abuse as ever you heard that young gal gave me till the
policeman come up, as pretty soon made her change her tune, as
mudded the front of my gown shameful, and it's a mercy as I didn't
pitch forward on to them babies, as it might have been the death on.
And I'm sure the letters as they're a-writin', with the work
neglected, would drive me mad, as was done at Mai. BULaY'S, as lived
in the Grove, and three o'clock, and not a bed made nor a dish washed
of last night's supper, thro' Ml3s. BULIrY goin' out for the day, and
a-askin' me to step round, as found the greengrocer there with my
own eyes a-talkin' to that gal, and nicely put out she was thro' me
a-orderin' the tea to be ready agin IMls. BULIY come in, as don't
allow no followers, and gave her warning' on the spot, with her boxes
searched, and things took out as was the family's, a-cryin' bitter for
shame, as did ought to have been persecuted only for the trouble, and
the fault is as none on 'em ain't brought up for servants, as they
considers degradin', as the sayin' is, but likes slop-work, as gives 'cmi
their Sundays free, as seems to me to be all turned upside-down in
their notions, and can't boil a potato, and nice wives for a poor man,
as is drove to the public-house, and that's the end of most of 'cm, is
is ways I don't hold with. So if AMi. RAGSKIN wants to know about
servants I can tell him p'raps as much as any one, not as I'd say aI
word to them, as is a deal too saucy for me.

The Figure on the Pier.
THE night was dark and dreary
And the wind made sullen moan,
And the barges that ride
On the sluggish tide
Uttered full many a groan.
The barges heavy and inky
That rise and fall with the stream,
Chained in a tier
To form a pier
For the vessels urged by steam.
And I saw on the furthest lighter
A female figure alone,
To and fro
She was pacing slow,
While the wind made sullen moan.
And I feared at every instant
She would spring into the wave,
For a last long sleep
In the inky deep,
With the river for her grave.
I stole beside that woman
On the farthest lighter afloat-
What do you here ?"
And she cried, "Oh, dear!
I'm going by the Penny Boat."



28 F U N. [SEPTEMBER 30, 1865

1LET the Bacchanal boast of his Eau de Vie,
f- "The Eau do Seltz is the Eau for me;
OIT' GteA And with temperate rapture my spirit melts
WIhenever I think upon Eau de Seltz !
Very little I reek whether Seltzer be
The produce of Brighton or Germanee;
Stone bottles with me will readily pass,
And I warrant I'll find an excuse for glass !
For the Eau de Seltz,
For the Eau de Seltz,
The Eau de Seltz is the drink for me!
It is rather trying, no doubt, to sit
In the midst of melody, mirth, and wit,
To see my neighbours enjoying their wine,
And to stick to such temperate tipple as mine;
But when all of the party have gone from the feast,
And the day is beginning to dawn in the East,
Why the steadiest hand, and the coolest head
Are possibly those of the man who has said
That "The Eau de Seltz,
"The Eau de Seltz,
"The Eau de Seltz is the drink for me !"
You may brag that of Claret, Champagne and Hock
Ylou keep in your cellar a capital stock;
You may talk about brandy, or brown or pale;
You may sing of the praises of mantling ale;
Y-ou may drink, if you like, till the barrel is out,
Of BARCLAY and PEnKINS, or GUrNNEss's Stout;
-thatBut as these with my system would never agree,
-o -rThe Eau de Seltz is the drink for me!
Yes, the Eau de Seltz,
The Eau de Seltz,
The Eau do Seltz is the drink for me!

In Vino Veritas.
"LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THAT." A DISAPPOINTED member of the Corporation who
Old Gentleman:-"DEAR ME, ANd IS THAT THiE NEW STYLE OF BONNETF was lately invited to a second-rate dinner at the
WHEN I WAS COURTING MY WIFE THEY nWERE ERY DIFFERENT. WHY, I HAD Mansion House, observed that them there light
TO 00 DOWN A PASSAGE TO KISS R ER wines was bad enough, but that he couldn't abear that
(The "portrait of a lady" will be observed on the wall.) hitter (H)ale.

Will keep a grin on their fees if it is considered in the rent, and
A HINT TO LODGING-LETTERS. although not musically inclined, they have a piano which they will

tisoments, that you let off parts of the houses in which you live The tenant will not be treated as one of the family, as no lady or
because they are too large for you, because you want society, or for gentleman would stand that; the elder children being badgered out of
any other reason than to get money. Everybody enoews that nobody their lives by their parents, and the younger ones usually whipped
takes houses that are too large for them unless they mean to sub-let and put to bed at premature periods of the evening, the parents them-
(and then they are not too large for them, so we have you there) and selves being continually quarreling, and venting their spite upon
as for inviting lodgers for the mere pleasure of the thing, e should as everybody over hm they have any authority."
soon expect a man to advertizeo that, having more room in his coat A little open confession of this kind we can assure you, would be far
than he required, he Would be glad to hear of a respectable person to better for your prospects in life than the present hypocritical pretences
help him to fill it. which are fast driving people to hotels!
Do drop this nonsense, as well as other little deceptionsl(which never
deceives anybody) indulged in by the female members of your classAnoealoightod
-that they are the widows or daughters of general officers, physicians,
or clergymen, or have fallen in some way from other superior ranks of TACBuETLe AND COMrUS.
life. Circulate announcements of this kind, and then we shall believe
you are in earnest :- THREE gentlemen, in various ages born,
"A Respectable Person, Who does not pretend to be a gentleman, By turns the British Drama did adorn.
having a house smaller than he would like if he were well off, wishes, First SHAKESPEARE came: JOHN MILTON was the next;
nevertheless, for particular reasons, to let part of it to an eligible The third is FALcoNIER, who-much perplexed
tenant. He expects to be properly paid, and in return promises not to At not exactly knowing what to do-
thieve from his lodgers, tell lies about himself, or to be more of a bore Takes Drury Lane, and joins the other two.
than he can help."'
"The Whidow of a Respectable Choesemonger, who has never seen
better days than the present, and was never ever distantly connected A Classical Error.
with anybody in a better position in life, wishes to let," &c., &c.
In the case of people wanting to add the attractions of a cheerful THE late lamented LEMPRIERE tells us that Io was changed into a
home, or a family musically inclined, perhaps the additions might be heifer; but we have lately gleaned from a doctor's prescription the
referred to in this manner:- following piece of information respecting the end of that young
"The Advertizer is too hard-up to be very cheerful, but the family person: ". o-dide of Potassium."

SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.] F U. N 29

EDITOR,-The worst of Antwerp is that there is so much to see
there. Every street has a history, and each of those curious old
houses, with the Vandyked gables and carved facades, smacks of
QUENTIN IMATTSS, buxom Flemish vrows, and many-trowsered burgo-
masters. There is a cathedral that would take a week to do thoroughly;
and there is a museum of pictures in which a month might be profit-
ably passed. Then there is one of the finest streets in the world, and
some of the handsomest quays in the world. There is blacksmith
work by QUENTIN M1ATSYs, and there is painter work by QUENTIN
MATSYS also. There is the house of RUBENS, and the house of
PLAUTIUS and o01RETUS, the grand old printers; and other matters
which, if this letter were intended as a guide-book, I should faithfully
I suppose there is no place within a day's sail of England that is so
thoroughly unEnglish as Antwerp. Boulogne is simply bad Dover
done into French; and Ostend is bad Boulogne done into German.
Dieppe is more French than Boulogne, but still it smacks of Brighton.
Antwerp is unlike any of these; and, indeed, unlike anything but a
Dutch, Flemish, or North Belgic town. I suppose Rotterdam and
Amsterdam are still more quaint in their respective characteristics;
but as I have not been to either of them, I am not in a position to say.
There are but three objections that I can make to Antwerp; and,
taking the discontented nature of my disposition into consideration,
that is saying volumes in its favour. The objections are these:-
1. A perpetual carillon of querulous chimes. 2. The objectionable
round stones with which the streets are paved; and 3. The inter-
minable lines of linden trees with which the town is surrounded.
Writing of linden trees reminds me to call your attention to a
characteristic little pastoral which I have composed, descriptive of
progressive growth of the estate of an imaginary landed proprietor in
the South Lowlands; it is called

Jan Brdon had a little linden,
Jan Brbon had a little linden,
Jan Brion had a little linden,
One little linden tree !
One little, two little, three little lindens,
Four little, five little, six little lindens,
Seven little, eight little, nine little lindens,
Ten little linden trees!
In Antwerp, as in almost all the large towns of North Belgium,
the names of the streets, the municipal notices, and other advertise-
ments of a similar description, are published in Flemish as well as in
French. This gives you an admirable opportunity of comparing the
two languages.; and the result of the comparison is that while Flemish
isn't in the least like French, it is marvellously like English. An
Englishman, leaving England for the first time, would have little
difficulty in deciphering the Flemish announcements on the walls;
and so great a proficiency did I attain in the course of a twelve hours'
residence in Antwerp, that I actually contrived to render into choice
Flemish the once popular ballad about Nancy in the Strand.
Voor soom time paast I av peen totchin
A nais jung gadl waats cot a lotchin
In de Strakndt! In de Straiindt!
De vuiirst ting daet poot mai headrte in a vlutter
Waas a Baalmoraal boate a krossin de Kutter,
In de Straindt! In de Straiindt!"
And so on.
There are few more amusing ways of spending an hour than to pay
your franc at the cathedral at the time of the exhibition of the Eleva-
tion of the Cross," and the "Descent from the Cross," and take stock
of the cockney tourists doing" these great pictures. Of course, it is
out of the question to pass through Antwerp without stopping to see
them, and as a franc is charged for admission, people who go feel
bound -to remain a considerable time gazing at these pictures, in order
to delude themselves into the idea that the enjoyment they have
derived is a fair equivalent for the franc they have paid. So they take
chairs, and seat themselves in front of the pictures and read their
MURRAY; and although in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, they
would pass the master-piece unheeded by if they saw it hanging in a
Wardour-street window, they remain spell-bound for half-an-hour at
a time by the beauties they have been told they are to appreciate-just
as the vulgar knife-swallowing manufacturer who sits opposite to me
at the table d'(ite drinks 1 and Chateau La/ltte because
they are down on the carte at eighteen and sixteen francs a bottle.
During my stay at Antwerp a Kermesse took place, and of course I
went to see it. You know the Kormesso scene from Faust ? Well, it
wasn't at all like that. It was simply a collection of work girls and

ouvriers at various cabarets in the suburbs of the town for dancing and
drinking purposes. The price of admission varied from three to six
sous a head, and this tariff included consummations "-which, how-
ever, were not describable as devoutly to be wished." In addition
to this, each cavalier paid two sons per dance-a halt being called in
the middle of each dance in order to collect the pence. Thero was no
drunkenness, no unseemly romping, not a flavour of raneman, and no
quarrelling. Everything was orderly, and although the class of
dancers was socially of the lowest, I did not hear a word spoken which
(as M1R. MADDISON MORTON would say) would bring the cheek to the
blush of modesty.

ROLL on, thou ball, roll on !
Through pathless realms of Space
Roll on !
What, though I'm in a sorry case ?
What, though I cannot meet my hills ?
What, though I suffer toothache's ills ?
What, though I swallow countless pills ?
Never you mind !
Roll on!

Roll on, thou ball, roll on!
Through seas of inky air
Roll on !
It's true I've got no shirts to wear;
It's true my butcher's bill is due ;
It's true my prospects all look blue-
But don't let that unsettle you !
Never you mind !
Roll on !


[It rolls on.

A SCHOLAR.-HORACE evidently alludes to the almost impossibility
of brewing hot whisky and water when the fire's out and the kettle
cold when he uses the words difflcili bile. The tunmt in the next lines
refers to the fact that there are only two present, the accident usually
happening when BENEDICT brings a friend home, "just for one glass,"
and expects to find his wife up.
ELOCUTIONIST.-Much depends on accent. "Heor's a go !" is sug-
gestive of perplexity and distress to the best regulated mind. Hero's
(s)ago! points at a mild food for the invalid.
R. S. V. P.-Upon the question of domestic servants we really do
not know what to say, and we say it unconditionally and without
reserve. If your housemaid offended you, we think that you were
somewhat hasty in tearing her hair, and throwing boiling coffee over
her, but no doubt you best understand her temperament, and how she
should be treated. We do not think you are waiTanited in refusing to
give her a character because she cried when you called her a slut, but
do as you please. Cold turnips should always be eaten by servants.
It makes them know their station.
A VOICE FROM THE KITCHEN.-By all means. If your mistress
looks cross at you, hit her! We would.
AULD REEKIE.-The poem is exactly three hundred lines too long
for this publication. We don't usually return manuscripts, but you
can have yours again if you choose to send one of PICKis'ORn'S vans
for it.
GREEN.-VWhat's fun to you would be death to us ; besides, baker"
and "paper" are not used as rhymes except in blank verse, and thun
only by poetic licence.
AMAC.--We have not begun fires yet, but the waste-paper basket
answered quite as well. Your contribution sunk to the bottom of it
like a stone.
AMELIA.-The poem commencing
How doth the little busy b-"
is not called Lines to my Lodgings at the Seaside."
OLD HONESTY.-It's all very well to say you are honest and straight-
forward, and call a spade a spade. But when you took three numbers
off our counter the other day, and handed ever a bad threepenny
piece, you could hardly call us paid, as paid.



[SEPTEMBER 30, 1865.

'I .N

K -7-S/

___ I -'K '~'-' ii/ii 1:717


No. V.-Temple Mills.

N ow for the art of catching fish, that is to say, how to make a man
that was none, to be an angler by a book, so that he may himself make
a fish to be a dangler by a hook. He that undertakes it shall under-
take a harder task than shall Min. HALE, the valiant and sweet-tempered
Mayor of this city, when he doth essay to reason with Mn. BENNETT,
and to shame him from the public teaching of horology by the clock-
work of Holland, motive in Cheapside.
Not but that many useful maxims and even some entertainment
may be found in books, which may themselves be also discovered in
the running, or even the Shirley Brooks, as sermons are to be met with
in Marcus Stone's pictures, and good, or what is all the same, Hood in
Some person of rare wit has made, methinks, a similar remark before,
perhaps one SHAKESPEARE, of whom I have heard that he did say
many things worthy to be remembered, but of this I make small
account, my own contemplations being for the most part on the banks
of some stream wherein fish are said to abide.
And for this the true brother of the angle will carry forth his rod
and other gear, not with the vulgar desire of catching great store of
finny game, but the rather for that true sport which lieth in the
exercise of patience and the subtle delight of expectancy and hope
deferred until even small rewards shall be received with contentment,
though they do not exalt the spirit to an ungovernable triumph.
Of all places wherein it delighteth me to throw a fly or dexterously
to cast forth my ground bait, there is none in this matter of the true
motive which should determine the angler that doth excel that part of
the Lea river known as Temple Mills,though what Temple hath ever
stood thereabout is now lost in the impenetrable mists of ages. Or
what mills are there to be used, passeth my humble experience, save
certain encounters either in logomachy or word contests, or with the
hands in the pugilistic manner.
Nevertheless, in that same hostelry, or inn, there is to be had
liquor, whereof a stone bottle sunk among the the cool weeds on the
margin of the stream up at the White House, known as "BEnEs-

rFocD's," comforteth the heart of him who waiteth lovingly but
patiently for the taking of his bait by the gudgeon, which, though not
so fine as I have seen, do occasionally reach to the length even of three
full inches, and may be discerned when the water is low by reason of
drought, warily avoiding the tempting morsels offered to them by
whole rows of men and boys who line the bank or lean across the
paling at that same Temple Mills. More to my mind than such eager
and unprofitable sport which wanteth dignity and lacketh patience, is
a seat in that great and strange tree whereto one may climb to a sort
of stage or rostrum, where ale and powdered beef, with a roll, mis-
liketh not the frugal stomach. In that tree, too, one may take note of
much that is akin to the sport of angling, as the catching of weak
minds in the landing net of love and the like-the manner of the
lovers affording much contemplation.
But here have I lingered long until I fear me the sun will be too
low to give light for the fly. The pike is a noble and a voracious fish,
and the barbel, the roach, and the dace, are esteemed by those who
know their habits. I have seen of each rare samples said to ;have
been taken from the Lea, and though I was not myself there at the
time (for which I lament my ill fortune), they are well preserved in
the glass coffers at that same BERESFORD's, where all who go may
look on them and wonder. It is said too, that many other like great
fishes do haunt the holes and sedges of the remoter parts of this river,
but I have not myself seen them, nor do I know one who hath.
NOTICE.--BTy the desire of numerous correspondents, copies of
printed on toned paper, may now be obtained at the Office, price One Penny.
Now ready, the Eighth Half-yearly Volume oj FUN, being
handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4s. 6d.
fow eReady, the TITLE, PREFACE, AND INDEX, forming an extra
Number, price One Penny. Also, now ready, Part IV.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phcenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at
80, Fleet-street, E.C.-September 30, 1865.

OTOBER, 7, 1865.]


Bus-driver (alluding to distinguished Foreigner, who has just got down) :-" I

WArrINO, waiting for the halter,
Hoping for release in vain-
Oh! the Rock of Gibberaltar!
Would I saw you once again!
Active, nimble, able-bodied,
Up the tallest trees I ran,
Now I'm taken up and quodded,
Just as if I was a man !
Beating at my prison wildly!
Yelling with a maddened yell!
For, to put it very mildly,
This a condemniud sell!
They have locked me in the station,
Just because, when driven wild,
In a fit of irritation
I attacked a teasing child!
Well, of course, the fact before you
With malignity seems rife,
But, indeed, I do assure you
Mino's a very trying life.
When you're treated idem semper,
Thrashed and clothed in dresses tight,
Why, it tells upon your temper,
And you feel inclined to bite.
Just suppose a great gorilla
Came and took the learned beak,
Make him fire a gun for sillor,
Beat a tambourine and speak.
Wear a brigand hat and feather,
Sweep the floor and dance and fight,
Play in every kind of weather,
Don't you think he'd want to bite ?
P'raps they're now indictments framing
To be signed and stuck on shelves,
Me as human fellow claiming-
Am I then so like themselves P
Let me go-you're sure to moss it-
'Tis indeed your wisest plan,
As MR. RUSSELL would express it,
"No, by heavens, I am not Man!"
Condemned Cell, Marylebono Police-court.

EDITOe,-An excellent and talented friend oned observed to me
"The real enjoyment of foreign travel consists in the pleasure you feel
in leaving a place," and he was right. A fortnight's holiday sojourn
in any town-I don't care where it is-is exhausting. Take a fort-
night in Paris, and spend that fortnight in doindoig" the city, and see
how you feel disposed toward it at the end of the fortnight. You will
loathe it: its cathedrals will be to you as ledgers to a bank clerk, its
picture galleries as oakum to a pickpocket. You will sigh for the hour
when you will be comfortably seated in your railway carriage bound
for Brussels, or Strasbourg, or Geneva, or Nice, or Biarritz, or some
other place which will appear to you, from your then point of view, as
Paradise to the Peri, but which you will eventually detest as heartily
as ever you detested Paris.
Pondering these matters, I took my place in the railway carriage
that was to convey me from Antwerp to Brussels, after a desperate
encounter with a railway porter who, failing to extract a pour boire
from me, fell to cursing me in the moat emphatic Flemish I ever heard.
Englishmen make two mistakes when they avail themselves of conti-
nental railways; they tip the porters who weigh the luggage, and they
travel second class. Now these porters should not be tipped, the
universality of the practice has caused them to demand the pour boire,-
and when they don't get it they swear openly at you. On one occasion
(it was in Paris), a fellow actually seized me by the collar and refused
to let me go until I had given him some sous. The departure bell was
ringing at the time, and I struck him such a mighty blow beneath the
chin that I heard his teeth dance about in his mouth like peas in a
drum. So far my conduct was BAYAnm-like, but I am bound to admit
that my subsequent behaviour was cowardly, for in a mortal fright I
bolted into the train and was whirled off to Geneva by an express
which wouldn't hear of stopping until it reached the Swiss frontier,
where I felt myself comparatively safe. I believe that, in France, to
expostulate with a fraudulent railway clerk is galleys for life, and to


strike a porter is murder without extenuating circumstances. And
second class carriages should be avoided: I know the saying about
Englishmen, Princes and Fools, but still I say that continental second
class carriages should be avoided. Independently of the fact that the
society of Englishmen, Princes, and Fools is decidedly preferable to
that of travelling Frenchmen and Germans, the high tariff charged for
luggage that is placed in the van induces second-class native travellers
to bring as many portmanteaus, trunks, carpet bags, hat boxes, and
other impedimnenta into the carriage with them as they can contrive to
carry. Although this nuisance exists to a certain extent in the first-
class, still the fact that you have a definite allotment of the carriage
to yourself prevents the nuisance from attaining serious propor-
Whether it is that the British tourists who find their way into
Brussels are men of better tone than those we meet in Paris and at the
French watering places, or whether it is that Belgian officials are not
so exasperating in their demeanour towards travelling Britons as those
of France, I do not know, but I was certainly pleased with t he de-
meanour of my countrymen in Brussels. lere, in the immediate
vicinity of the field of Waterloo, one would (xpcct to find all that is
most offensive in the British snob, in a state of rampant vigour. One
would expect to find the British alderman and the British merchant's
clerk holding forth at the table d'hote as to what "we" did in '15,
and one would expect to find on the Waterloo coach an arena for the
display of British Jolly-Dogmatiam in its most repulsive form. But
no. The English tourists in Brussels appear, for the most part, to be
gentlemen, and to act up to the character. I sincerely trust that the
Volunteers who accepted the invitation of the Belgian Goveanmmnt a
week ago, and who are strutting about the streets of Biussels as I
write, will not do more than they can help to impair the favouiablo
impression that their holiday country men appear to have created in
this "Paris in miniature."



UCH as one regrets that there should
have been any unplcisunlines about
Gladiatcur, it is impoe.sible not to be
gratified at the upshot of the whole
affair. The pri-t in lui ally solemn
correspondencO- very proliIrly de-
scribed by the press as "otlicial"-
which passed between the stewards
and the Jockey Cluh and COUNT
LAGRANGE has quite a diplomatic air,
and is calculated to restore the inter-
national confidence, which, nursed at
Brest and foster ed ;it Portsmouth, was
imperilled at Doncaster. It has been
-, "" I-. whispered that Loan RUS.'ELL, de-
lighted at the success of his Gastein
J letter, has addressed a congritulatory
epistle to the Eucaiiol on the restora-
j 1tion of the good undert-inding be-
tween England and France. Whe-
other this be true or not, I cannot
say, but I hear the EMPE'uoe was
observed to light his cigar with a
larger wisp of paper than usual the
Other day.
SI SEE that the inventor of the
spiritual writing on the arm-the trick which MR. FOsTErt, the Yankee
medium, worked in England-has been fined in America for juggling
without a licence. I am very glad to hear it. Every small quack
who is exploded clears the atmosphere. Foolish-or fraudulent-
British believers won't have a medium left to swear by soon. HUMs,
their first and best medium, has been detected--the story is too long
to tell, but it is very good,-FosTERs's humbug was exposed, and now
in Paris the DAVENPORT trick has been shown up. The British
believers have been driven gradually to relinquish each of these
prophets, and unless the supply is kept up won't have a humbug to
swear by. By the way, I see the DAVENPORTS are saying now that
the seat was smashed and not released by a spring, and put in a broken
board in evidence. As, however, they did not show it at the time and
might easily get up such evidence, I don't think they will delude
many. For my own part I wouldn't believe them on affidavit, and
consider them quite capable of manufacturing this explanation.
ITappears that the doings of the British Association at Birmingham
have excited much interest in France, and that the discussion on
Cannibalism especially has given rise to considerable debate. Our
lively neighbours, with the true culinary instinct, which makes them
the only real cooks in Europe, or the world, have gone straight to the
consideration of the suitability of human flesh for the cuisine, and
their ultimatum is that after you have turned four-and-twenty you are
rather coarse eating, and it is quite impossible to makie-oh, truly
French notion-soup of you. That's bad news for us old fellows who
have got into our thirties !
WHAT is coming to our provincials ? Has the increase of the desire
to send missions to foreign parts led to our country folk becoming
uncivilized savages ? The reason of my asking the question is that I
see that at a fancy fair (all fancy fairs are mischievous) recently held
at Wimhourne, prizes were oflferd for the beot-looking young man,
and the best looking girl, to boe nominated hby a committee of ladies in
the first instance, and gentlemen in the second. The natural modesty
of the sex, which not even a constant course of fancy fairs can entirely
eradicate, prevented the first half of the scheme from being carried out,
but the boors and bumpkins actually balloted for tfte candidates for
the ladies prize, and two young ladies obtained an equal number of
votes. I wonder whether the girls were exhibited in stalls like beasts
at a cattle show, and if the judges discussed their points and punched
them about in the approved fashion. Such an exhibition is disgraceful
even to a county as low down in the scale of civilization as Dorset.
Mal. DIStAELI hlias made a speech to the Bucks farm,,rs, without any
politics in it-except, of course, his attributing the cattle plague to the
present Government. The prospects of IHER MAJESTY'S Opposition
must be circumscribed indeed if the leader of the party could find
nothing to talk about but agriculture, about which lie knows even less
than he does about stAtesmanship.
THE Sunday School Union, so says a cotempnrary, is about to bring
out with the new year, a cheap weekly nmag;zine for young people, to
be called Kind Words. Of course the S.S U. teaches children to be
honest and speak the truth, so I don't see what better story they could
begin their publication with than something in this style:-" Once
upon a time there was a publisher who brought out a magazine called

[OCTOBER 7, 1865.

Good Words. It was a great success and sold well. But there was a
pious society which was always telling little people not to steal, so it
cribbed this title and altered it a little, so as to be able to prevaricate
and say it was not quite the same, and brought out a magazine to
teach its young readcis to be honest and tell the truth." I present
that little story to the new magazine.
FENIANisM alter all was hardly worth the fuss that has been made
about it. A lot of ungrammatical Irish melodies and a little drilling
which may be looked upon as the breaking out of the volunteer mania
in another form, would seem to be all that has come of it. The silly
folk who have been arrested must not be too severely punished. I
should advise hard labour-to consist in. weeding the celebrated
cabbage gaiden where SMITa O'BuaEN did such wonders for Ireland.

HURRAII! for October, all sober
The leaves wear their livery of brown,
And fresh to his jawbones, young. Sawbones.
Comes merrily up to the Town.
Parental oppression, the session
Will soon put an end to ; with glee
He welcomes old faces and places,
And uses the bachelor's key.
He'll soon have had tussles with muscles
And sigh at each long-winded name,
The plexus, called lumbar, a number,
Of nerves will bring in for his.blame.
No fear of neglecting dissecting,
When merry old comrades appear,
To lay bare the flexor, perplexer
Of young heads bemuddled with beer.
At nine in the morning, there's scorning.
Of learning: he's pains-inhis-.head,
'While soda-and-brandy stands handy,
Poor boy, by the side of his-bed.
At breakfast the bloater, promoter
Of peckishness, cools on his plate,
So languid his fauces, no sauces
Can quicken them early or late.
No dreams of days after, and laughter
At thoughts of the dreaded exam.;
He'll take his full measure of pleasure
While PowElt lives, the lazy to cram.
Instruction that's clinic, a cynic
He mocks at, and all that it brings,
His note-book has traces of cases,
But more of the songs that he sings.
He plays much at billiards, whole Iliads
His friends sing of triumph and praise,
His ball, like a rocket, the pocket
Flies into whenever he plays.
He's famous at cricket, the wicket
Guards well, and his bowling is true,
He bets upon races, and aces
Turns up at unlimited loo.
The landladies prudent, our student
Will welcome, but little they'll win,
He'll make the cat frisky with whisky,
And put something queer in the gin.
Then hail to our doctors, cencocters
Of physic that's bad to get down,
Athirst for all knowledge to college
They come, so a welcome to town.

A Shocking In-trews-ion.
WE understand that the kilt is going out of fashion in Scotland;
There has long been a complaint against it among the sportsmen who
adopted it while deerstalking and grouse shooting. They say they got
so cut and scratched about the legs when working for a day in the
national costume that when they came home it was a return of the kilt
and wounded. By abandoning the habit they hope to have better
bags-but a trews to jesting The subject is too painful.

OCTOBER 7, 1865.] F U N. 33

As we predicted, the Prince of Wales's Theatre opened on Monday,
the 25th ultimo, and the audience went into raptures at the sight of
Miss MARIE WILTON, or rather we should say, at the sight of Mario
Edgardo, master of Ravenswilton. And when Miss JOHN Lucy
ASHTON CLARKE showed her flaxen ringlets, her breezy bonnet, satin
scarf, timidity, sandalled shoes, and blushes, a similar ovation awaited
him-no, we mean her. The new burlesque of Zucia do Lamweernoor'
is worthy of its prolific author. It is full of fun, pun, and parody,
and the musical travesties are chosen with more than usual felicity.
"Oh! Kafoozlem! and the new edition of the "Mabel Waltz" are
destined to be familiar in the mouths of little London boys. Miss
HuGHEs, so long a favourite actress atthe Olympic when poor R1}3sox
was the hero of the hour, has joined the light troop of the Prince of
Wales's, and makes a very sprightly Alice. She sings, acts, and
dances so charmingly that it is no wonder Bucklaw and Raymond fall
in love with her. And, talking of charming and Bucklaw, Miss
FANNY JOSEPBS, in her scarlet coat and shiny boots, looks as if she had
just walked off the lid of a French plum-box, having carefully ex-
tracted all the sweetness of the plums. Two words of commendation
for MESSRS. MOxNTGOMERY and DEWAR. The former gentleman has a
vein of humour which should be hard worked, and we hope will be
hard worked, and the latter blusters as Lucy's big brother most
effectively. MaB. BYRON is an extraordinary man, for he has told the
story of Lucia," certainly with considerable alterations, in four
scenes It must not be forgotten that each of these four scenes is an
admirable specimen of the pictorial art; the last, in particular, is a
most agreeable combination of gold, silver, .gas, foil, paper, and real
water. "Lucia" is what the Americans calla "live" piece, and will
The public mind of London has been for some time torn by dis-
tracting doubts as to who, what, or which are the only original and
veritable legitimate Christy's Minstrels." FUN being omniscient,
naturally knows everything, so of course he knows what party is the
O.O.A.V.L.C.M. (only original and veritable legitimate Christy's
Minstrels), and his decision has been awaited with breathless expecta-
tion.by numerous crowned heads of Europe, the nobility and gentry,
the'Lord Mayor and Corporation of the city of London, the united
body of metropolitan beadles, the ancient order of Odd Fellows, and
the public at large, and in temporary durance.
Well, then, FUN knows which arc the O.O.A.Y.L.C.M.'s, but from
motives which his own large heart alone can appreciate, declines to
say. Let it rest in doubt with the authorship of the Letters of
But FUN will relax, so far as to say that lie has been much pleased
with the performances of the troupe of Christy's Minstrels now 1.1 '*. .
at the St. James's Hall, pleased with the songs, the dances, .....I ..
dioramic views. FUN would rather look upon the ocean than embark
upon it, would rather see a pictorial representation of the Great
Eastern than inhabit a first-class cabin in it. Bravo, Messieurs
Christy, whether you are Christy's pere, or Christy's fis, or Christy's
,aine, or Christy's jcnee, or Christy's Jf'eres. Les Christy's ne sont pas
morts. Fivent les Christy's !

IN a wonderful pamphlet with which we made acquaintance a day
or two ago, entitled On Zoilism ; an Essay towards Pathological Analysis,
by one Ma. JOHn PoaYE, we find the following remarkable sentence:-
But the Ziilistic humour, such as it is-that is to say, its dreary and silly
imitation of wit, what may be called the spasmodic mechanism of the Z6ilistic mind
convulsively striving to emulate the dynamicspontaneity of humourous utterance-
shall now be shown in a concrete form to our readers."
Ah, we have a word or two to say to Mn. JonN POYER on this point.
Doesn't it occur to him that the consanguineous homology existing
between the periphlogistic antitrinitaiianism of transcendental
idiosyncrasy on the one hand, and the psychological spontaneity of
Cimmerian parallelopipedism on the other, is calculated to disintegiate
the physiognomical indicia which may be assumed to exist in the
oracular transmutation of all homogenous ephemerals ? We pause for
a reply.

Come where my love lies- ."
SoME anxiety is being felt on account of the prolonged absence of
M. Du CHAILLU. Those who have read his book, however, are of
opinion that he is only lying, perdiu.

WE are glad to see signs of increasing prosperity in the North. It
is evident from the ascertained decrease of snuff-taking there that there
is less pinching than there used to be.

The Drama never dies;
But Managers are usually obtuse,
And it is their custom to reject
Works of real merit,
Of noble tendencies and sterling genius,
In favour of
The obsolete
And antiquated productions,
4- Suited only to the infancy of civilisation,
That are associated
A name so notorious
For sensational oflects and quibbling puns,
As that of
(Born at Stratford-on-Avon, 1564 ;
Died at same place, 1616).

We commence our selections with some characteristic extracts from
By Sit G. E. L. B*LW*t L*TT*,N.
ADOLPLruS, a fiotmane, Waeho has read the works of a gifted b ronet, con-
siders it desirable ti marry his master's daugehler, ARAMIATA. /hae is
thirty-three, sred plain, but opulent. 1e'aring that his Poverty may
tell against him, lie steals muhi of the family plate, fnd then declars
his passion to the lady, vuho is still ignorant oj his misconduct.
SCENE.-The Library. AnoLrlus. Aa ,aseTA.
ADOL. (quite, ef.tally).-Ye(s, lady, I have loved thee! 1 have dared
To cast mine eyes so far towards perfection
As up to thy sweet ,elf The village youth,
Sec, ning the traieneiiels of lis servile state,
And panting ferth to pocsy from plushe,
lias loved thee with the passionate heiurt of man!
For thee, when all the houisehol weie ubod,
1 buint the midiiinighit tlper; I lpiU cd
'lIhe thrilling diirama of Ie' ga idener's son ;
T'11 gentlheimccnly swimller (IJAUe)iE MIELNOTTE,
A lov er and a liar! So amn 1 !
H.le pauses to obse? ve the e/fcti, Not perceiviny any, he continues:-
The gilded pomp of palicces-the wealth
Tlhat envious iiiisers hold in such est'ccm-
The sphlndour adiii the dignity of Stlti'o-
Wha'lt !ars they all to L.ovue -To Love, whom erst
The Gre(eks is ]Eos natnd--for I have read,
Thi( ..11 ,- youth has sead!- his Lempribro.
It '.- t Love-it was for Love andi The',
Who art Love's presss in this passionate heart,
That, if I erred, I erred. Proud beauty, list!
ARAMINTA is so delighted at beivn called a proud beauty that she dnsme-
diately does list.
AaoL.-The candelabra, with their lustrous light,
The centrepieces, the domestic spoons,
What aire they all lbit gold and silver dross
P._" f, m the deep en th at the mniner's risk,
"i.. .** I a rich mon's luxury ? The poor
May starve upon the threshold of the great,
Or pine in squalid sullering aloof.
I weighed the deed well over in Tay mind;
Did it; and weighed the proceeds afterwards.
Laady, I pri yeed the p/lte !-pirigged it for Love-
For Love and Theo! and now, upon mny knees,
Which bend reluct intly at morning prayer,
PBut gladly now, I asik fir my rewarel-
The hand of Beauty, which alone can fill
And satisfy the passionate hcar't of mani
[Enter a Detective.]
DETECT.-From information which I have received,
And by a war rant-which I now produce-
I take you into custody upon
A charge of felony, ADnoL''s SmnIT.
ADOL. (as he is being handcufedfc).-
Yes; bear me to the dungeon ; but reflect-
The Truthful and the Beautiful are one!

34 F Tj N [OCTOBER 7, 1865.

.1 .... ._ __ ...m, o l

BYE LAWShe e anon ad ios i th

o in ,


languid Swell:-" TI FAY, WHAT T1,E DOES THE 3.45 TRAIN START?"
Ojicial (drily) :-" QUARTER TO FOUR, SIR."
oanguid Swell :-" CONFOUND YOU WAILWAY FELLAS, YOU ARE ALWAYS allering the tinTe!"

A TALE OF A TRAVELLER (COMMIERCIAL). I loved each of them like a customer. Long after the appointed hour I
small fortune to B. J. and R. Many a pleasant and sat gloomily down to my solitary symposium. Then, and not until then,
SoE years ago, said the elderly man with crimson whiskers and a ain horrible conviction flashed across me. Having ordered three
cast in each eye, as pie drew himself proudly up to his full height Many(four dinners it was absolutely imperative upon me to order three pints of
foot eleven), I was travelling for the house of-owell, suppose we port. The landlord of the "Golden Cockroach" was a harsh, muscular
say the house of bagmen JOand ES, and o so. We were in the being, with whom it was impossible to trifle. The table was prepared
cmred picklo and potted meat line, and there was no smarter gig for three, and there were three wine-glasses-three
upon the road at that period than the one made use of by your an Beer luk exlut 2
humble servant for the purpose of taking country air and country The strict integrity of the commercial traveller survived all other
orders, sentiments within me. During the afternoon I have reason to believe
Now it fell out, in the year 1846, hat theo small but flourishing that I visited some of the leading houses in Didbury. Three pints of
town of Didbury, in Shropshire was taken with a fierce and insatiable old port naturally gave me confidence, and I am convinced-though I

lishment, and the only condition extorted from each commercial guest No 1 .No t ow ere,
yearning for mixthe port waickles. There was only one man in the whole desretain a very indistinct recollection of what passed-that I advocated the
town who escaped the prevailing epidemic, and he, by the moprt singular interests of BsowN, JoNas, and RBINSON with more than usual ardour.
coincidence in the world, had never been seen to eat anything but In fact, the amount of business I transacted may be inferred from
potted meats. Of course, therefore, Didury to the representative of Whenever I think of that afternoon's work, said the baeffecman,
mall fortune to B. J. and R. iany a pleasant and profitable trip to Dddibly-ownember, fourteen hundred and eighty-slx.
that Paradise of epicureanism it herwas my fortuJ. and S.,e to undertake. showanyed all said beevesGood again, 1. sir!" pinxcept ll-bodied Piccalilli, by passenger train,
a narrative sparkling with refined epigram was it my luck to relate, foddressed That'll do,guv'n Post-office, Ddd, &c.r! "
in the commercial room of the "Golden Cockroach," to an admiring "For Mr. Thing. One capsicum, as a sample. To be packed in
audience of bagmen, and each story was received with a frequent oil-cloth, labelled Glass ; this side up.'
Chorus of "Good again, sir!" and "That'll do, guv'nor!" J. and S. Better luck next time. Walnuts X 41, July 23,
On one of these visits to Didbury, I resolved, partly moved by an large size. No objection to travel.
enthusiasm for business, and partly by a genuine outburst of hospi- "An-6-chovies for the old 'un. Yoe know!
tality, to invite a couple of the residents to a sumptuous repast at the "P. and P. So soft and nasty that they makes him shudder. Try
"Golden Cockroach." Dinners were absurdly reasonable at that estab- No. 12. Xot known here.
lishment, and the only condition extorted from each commercial guest
was the consumption of a pint of port. This was no hardship, gen- "Expenses-Dinner .. .. .. 0 6 0
tlemen, for the port was full-bodied and fruity ; besides, our host indem- Wine .. .. .. 0 18 0
nified himself by means of his wines for the moderate price of his
dinners. Well, I despatched pressing invitations to the confidential "Total .. .. 24 0 011"
clerk of JACKSON, JOHNSON, and SMITH, and to the representative of Whenever I think of that afternoon's work, said the bagman,
PESTLE and POTBUnY. sitting down pompously, I feel proud of myself, gentlemen. And we
Would you believe it? Neither J. J. and S., nor P. and P. showed all said Good again, sir!" except one man in a corner who cried out,
up on that eventful occegion. I was grieved, as a matter of course, for That'll do, guv'nor !"

SF UJ iN .-OCTOBER 7, 1865.


______ I'


K OCTOBEnR 7, 1865.] F TJ N


ALL I've got to say, then, is rubbish, and them should be words to
my dying day to any one as said such things as is beyond reason and
above patience, as the sayin' is.
Whatever is 200 a year ? Reckon it up and see if you can mnke
much more of it than not quite four pounds a 'week with ine took off, as I knowed was done when Miss WEV APm.s nianted I it.
RHosx xs, as had that income, being a inland ievinue, as is never
overpaid, thro' a cousin of mine, as was in one of their cuttris, as was
drove into bein' one hisself thro' debt, and sailed for America, sudden
on a Tuesday without no more than he stood up in, not even to a
change of linen,-as must have been unpleasant stifled up in a ship for
months together.
Yes, it's easy for to say, Take the book and read it," as of course I
will when I come to be tied up for the afternoon, tho' I can't think
wherever I've put my glasses, as don't suit me at all, as must be too
powerful I should say, for I've no sooner got thmn on than I feels
that they're a-drawin' me to sleep. But don't it stand to reason as no
one can't keep a house like ladies and gentlemen on four pounds a
week. Why, we spends just on three in our little way a-payin' money
down for everything.
You come to have a butcher or a baker's bill, as them is forced
into as gets the money by the quarter, and then see how a sov'reign
goes like butter afore the sun.
Why, I nussed poor Mns. IlosKxNS twice myself, as had a
hundred a-year of her own extra, and never could make both ends
meet was it ever so, with a little family a-comin' on, and often and
often she's said to me as it was a regular struggle, and as nice a gentle-
man, fond of his home, the' not a takin' to the infant kind at night,
a-sayin' if his rest was broke he hadn't no head for work in the
morning as would sit up ever so late for to try and eke out a livin', as
the sayin' is.
I'm sure the way they was plundered in them tradesmen's books
was downright shameful, and never out of debt, the' the rent was only
40, but throw in rates and taxes it's twelve pounds more, to say
nothing' of gas. Then a general servant, and a gal as I don't hold to
be no savin', for they eats more than a grown woman and wastes more
than they cats, with no ideas of doin' nothing and as full of their im-
pudence as you please, and no getting' 'em out of their beds. A good,
respectable, honest servant will stand you in thirty pounds a year at
the least; and if you once gives in to a charwoman it's downright
ruin, what with half a day here and a morning' there, as is sure to drop
in at meal times, to say nothing' of odds and ends, as they collais
I knows as a butcher's and baker's bills soon mounts up to thirty
shillin's in ever so small a way, and add in your grocery and butter-
man with not a vegetable but potatoes, and see where three pounds a
weekwill be for bills, then add in your coals and beer, as I hold to bewaste
in a house, for they send the casks a third full of muck and rubbish, as
will turn sour at the least thing, and wasted dreadful the' kept under
lock and tilted regular, yet left a-drippin' all night, as runs away with
a quart or two before you can turn round in the morning and what's
the end ? why, of course, debt and difficulties, as I often used to say,
MAls. HosKex s, mum, that grease-pot is a regular catin' into you," for
the things I've seen as has found their way there, and as to a tub
for pig-wash, I'd as soon have the bottomless pit in the house, as will
swallow up everything.
It is heart-breakin' for to see parties a-strugglin' on a-tryin' to
be ladies and gentlemen, as is so in their places, but not having' got the
money is a-pinohiri4heirselves with care in every line, and regular old
afore they're young, and not a-makin' no show neither.
I'm sure that time as Mis. HosKIXs asked me for to stop with the
baby, as she went fort dine with his head, as she called him, and was
consequent obliged to go, and wore her wedding dress, as she hand
trimmed with black velvet and black lace square over her shoulders,
thro' bein' in mournin' out of compliment like, as the sayin' is, tho'
it's a compliment as I don't want no one to pay me in a hurry. In
my opinion that white silk would never have bore the light but for
the black trimmin', and really a-grudgin' the cab fare, as were heavy,
thro' its bein' all the way to Bayswater, and them a-livin' off the Bow-
road, and as she says, Whatever pleasure is it," as was back by eleven,
andmighthave heard her infant at Mile-end Gate. as nothing' wouldn't
pacify after half-past nine, the' I'm sure them tops and bottoms was
like jelly with carraways for to comfort him.
I'll tell you how you can live on 200 a year. Start out of debt
with something in hand for to be able to keep so, and the best things
is unfurnished apartments, where you knows the end on it, for I'm
sure get into a house and it never does end. First one thing and then
another, your hands never out of your pocket, and as to a garden
except for to dry the clothes it's downright ruin.
I'm sure to live in a house and have people a-comin' for money
would be my death, as I've seed that young Mas. HosKINs turn pale

at a single knock, end often not the price of the nmanglin' hy her, a I
waits ;a t,'d iidiuii rious creature, aind the way she'd set and cut up liher
things for thmii two eldhtit, as hardly went over the door after that
time ;is the p1 shoved the perambulator into the canal, and nearly
drowr.di d the lot.
It s all N iy fine to go and write a lot about what people ought to
do, but let thtm ils wiit, as ti y' it, and they'll soon see. Why, meat
alone is iuination, and the doctor a-ordeiin' strong beef ten for the '
little phl ;as is in it nns, thio' bein' put dowNn too soon.
I'm som e I oftcin used to wonder how that young man could bear
up as lie did, n-thkin' a bit of lunch with himi aind nothing' but that
table Iter, and wouldn't have a dlop of sperrits in the house beyond a
little of bilndy, as I would not keep ill the place without a well-
inowin' wlh;t it is in illness, as has bought the life but'k to many at"
doctors have give over.
liDiowu, you mnddn't say, Read the book and see what it says," for
I don't mean to. Don't 1 know them parties in the nanie of
WIILIANS, as liv(d in the small house in Slpiingfield-terrace, where
theie sWas lion's heads a-gtinnin' and a glass street-door, as J don't
hold with, thro' not being' that private as 1 likes, and being' ketehed
a-goin' up-stairs, as I was myself not fit to be seen.
Wlhy, that young man had D400 a year, and began quite grand;
for I'm sine the eih etiifid plate must have cost a little fortune, and
only sold like iu:lsh, as 1 always says silver's quite good enough for
me like my teapot, as I wouldn't have electrified was it ever so.
"I'm sure her pianer with yellow silk let in, as looked;elegant,
with the di .win'-iocim, as was all lace eiiitains aind artificial flowein,
with two lookin'-glhsses and wax flowers, and that cheap furniture, as
I nevr did hold with, all shiny thro' wainishli, but no strength in it,
as I'm smue that sofy as give way with me the vea y fust tito as I
called for to see her, as says, Take a setting, polite like. So 1 drop
on to the sofy, as was lower than might be expected, and the crash itas
that leg give way with a-throwin' me back with the crown of' my
bonnet tlno' a pane of glass, as might 'ave been my death, for 1 don't
hold witli -settin' agin a winder, and her a-sayin' quite cool as it
had give way the night afore thio' her good gentleman a-bein' tired
and a-throwm' hisself on it, as is all outside show, and her dressed
out a-ireccixin' of her company, and two bridesmaids a-stttin' and
a-waitin' all day, and only three old scarecrows come in a fly after
all, with a silver cakeo basket and a waiter to match, for handing of the'
cake and wine, and not able to do a band's turn thro' being' quite the
nlady, and her father only in the ready-mado line after all, and I'm sure
the trouble as I had a-goin' night and moenin' for six weeks to dresa
and undre ss that infant, as she couldn't hold let alone nurse, and said
as she didn't care for children, as put my blood up.
1 says, Then, in my opinion, you ought to have kept single," and
always a-wehlinJn' and a-ficttin' and a-makin' him that savage its he'd
rush out of the house, as took to the bettin'-aing, and llen it was till
over, as might have been a steady man with a happy home, as I see
broke up with my own eyes, and buried the infant the same week, as
was as well, not its she felt nothing but how to save her pianer.
I says, W1hy, you never touches it," as was no great player I've
hesaid say, and as to her singing why give me shrieks, as means soiitme-
thin', not that uproar, as was11't music lithlier.
If parties is honest, and a-goin' to pay their way, let 'em begin
quiet, for it's cosy to launch out, as the sayin' is; but as to living' with
a family on X20 a year, it can only be done d( cent, as I've said,
except old mitids and widdeia, and they may write books till they're
blind. At hlie price things is now it's only mechanics' wages, as I've
know they're ain't it many as is bad nianagers, and that extravagant us
would spend na foitune on their backs alone, as isn't my ways.
So don't you come hicme a-exapctin' to cut a dash on four pounds
a w((Ik, iJn. I iiowN, and I wish as thtm as has bean a-pisonin' your
mind aid a-illin' upil your h(ad witli such rubbish had to keep you on
it with ovciy dihicaey, as I'm quite satisfied and thankful for what t
gets, as is clan and wholesome, and none of your rubbish for me.

Business Maxims.
NEVEIr.n ay "die"-unless you are a hairdieser and have an inven-
tion for doing away with gi ey hair.
Do not cry stinking fish "-unless you happen to lie vtaiior iof
A stitch in time saves nine sewing machines.

A corwsrovARY, in speaking of JouN hhOUGoiHAM'S new piece, The
Chid if the Susi, says,
It V,;m written cxprcresly for the Menken, and will introduce her to the public a0
she never was before."
From this we conclude that she will appear dressed.


[OCTOBER 7, 1865.

38 FUN.


It blighted my prospects, and fed me
On SOITOW instead of on joy;
Till I wondered what madness had led
To say, I believe you, my boy!"

AT sad little
Came telling
me stories
one day;
And I like
a regular
Gave credit to
all he could
After hearing
that small
Tell tales
mere 1 y
meant to
In the words of
a certain
big actor,
I said, I be-
lieve you,
my boy!"

It was far from
a good imi-
And far from
a rational
But for years
that absurd
my nights
and my


Forewarned by a lesson so bitter,
That urchin will tempt me in vain.
My reply shall, I promise, be fitter
When Cupid comes talking again.
For-cured of my credulous folly-
The phrase that I mean to employ
Will decidedly be, "Nix my dolly!"
And not, "I believe you, my boy!"

THE waning hours of sunlight already inform the old man that the
season for out-of-door enjoyment is rapidly drawing to its close. Two
great events still remain to be decided on the turf, namely, the
Cesarewitch and the Cambridgeshire, and with regard to the former
of these it will do you no harm to keep a look-out for Alabama, such
being a good horse, whilst making all square with Salpinctes; and as
for the other race, why, if Gladiateur is really meant to run, concern-
ing of which NICHOLAS is not particular confident, not all the'weight
in the world could hinder that magnificent representative of La
.Belle France from making a wretched example of all his would-be
Touching the first Newmarket October meeting, as it is all over,
your Prophet will not trouble you with any retrospective predictions,
such being idle, except as historical records, and prove the habitual
accuracy of my sportive judgment. Indeed, there was only one event
of real, general, and sensational interest, which the result was exactly
that foreseen by the old man, who always said so in private life, though
not having written on the subject in your organ. This was the
match between two rare good horses, LORD STAMFORD's Archimedes,
which was third in the Leger, as fully expected by NICHOLAS all along,
and the MARQUIS OF HASTINGS's The Duke, an animal which the
Prophet has stuck to and vindicated through thick and thin, through
good reports and evil reporters, such as many of my turf rivals,
though I will not name them, as it might appear individuous.
All, Mr. Editor, and ye, 0 sportive men of England, who love the
old man's ways, that was a race-one of the good old sort for honour


and for glory, as well as for that filthy lucre which is digged up, I
believe, only to be a temptation to us in our early life, though
enabling us to procure necessary comfort when arrived at NICHOLAS'S s
period. He would not say a word against LORD STAMFORD, who is a I
noble-hearted sportive man, but will freely confess all the same that
his sympathies were entirely in favour of the Marquis, not merely on
account of his superior rank, though that weighs a good deal with a
constitutional statesman such as NICHOLAS is proud to claim the title,
but because the Marchioness herself was present, and Beauty never
appealed in vain to the chivalric enthusiasm of the fine old man,
which here is her health in a bumper of sherry wine.
There she sat, sir, as if presiding at a tournament of old, than
which I am sure a more medieval spectacle, though a little like
ASTLEY's ampitheatro, tastefully attired in an elegant white silk dress
with trimmings, such being the colours of The Duke, and as EDMUND
BUmKE said, A thousand swords should have leaped from their
scabbards," which the Prophet took out his own real Indian bandanna
and waved it like mad. She had recently been staying at Folkestone,
a fact gracefully commemorated by MA. EDMUND YATES, in the 1
morningg Star, and must say that, for my own taste in reading,
EDMUND YATES is much more desirable than EDMUND BURnE.
Well, sir, The Duke won, as the reporters have already told you,
"amid great enthusiasm by three lengths," thus confirming what had
often been written by the Prophet in his praise, not only previous to
when he had unfortunately to be scratched for the Derby, which was
done by the Marquis in an honourable and straightforward manner, but
also subsequent as for instance, previous to the Leger, when I wrote in
"Happy the man who hedged or backed the Duke"
in Number Seventeen of the New Serious, Volume I., page 163, and
was fulfilled by his coming in fourth, the distance being too much for
him unluckily, though unequalled-as the match with Archimedes proved
over a course like the Rowley mile-another proof of that sagacity
which has raised the old man to a sportive pinnacle, superior to any
other turf oracle, bar none.
Two more notes, and I have done my article, which I am sure is
looked for with eager interest throughout an empire on which the sun
never sets, such being highly flattering to the old man's honest pride.
First look at these two remarkable scores at cricket:
Jupr, c. andb. PLOwnDE, 216."
Which is almost unequalled in the Prophet's long experience ; and
MASTER G. F. GRACE, not out, 48."
Which was done in a match against Cheltenham College, and as the
young gentleman is only fourteen years of age (like NICHOLAS himself
at that period), I hope to see him some day or other at Lord's or the
Oval alongside of his brother E. M., than whom I am sure a more
magnificent hitter, though a little wild.
Lastly I chronicle the deaths of eminent sportive men, the DUKE DE
GIAMM1ONT CADEROUSSE, of whom I will say no harm now that ho is
dead, and might have been a better man if he had had a better chance ;
and LoaD STRATHMORE, as brave and kindly an English gentleman as
ever kept his heart fresh and green amid the temptations and excite-
ments of the Turf. NICHOLAS.

1s s ia Qorreiolnbents.

OH, CREAM-INY !-You need be under no alarm about the supply of
milk. While the Thames flows and the white chalk cliffs of England
stand we shall never be without a supply.
PUZZLER.-Bigotry and Brutality both begin with B. But in Latin
the resemblance is still closer. The transposition of two letters makes
Credulitas becomes Crudelitas.
SMOKER.-Your "friend at a pinch" must, we conjecture, be the
patent cigar-nipper.
A NATURALIST.-The domestic fowl does not take kindly to the
water although we have heard from a gardener, living within hearing
of Bow Bells, that he has seen a "hen-dive" in his own garden.
A PHILosoPHnER.-Man has been defined as the only "cooking
animal," but we have reason to believe the definition incorrect, as we
have ourselves seen pig's fry.
LA MODE.-The last French fashion for this hot weather is the cool
de sac. It is simply a coarse canvas receptacle such as is in use for the
conveyance of coal and potatoes, with holes cut for the arms and legs,
the mouth being tied round the neck.
JEMIMA wants to know how to get rid of grey hair. Why, cut it.
RHYMER wishes to know whether some lines which he sends "con-
tain sufficient fire." We cannot say, but, at any rate, we have put
them into the grate.
A STUDENT.-If you wander by the brookside on these warm autumn
evenings we have no doubt you will soon become acquainted with
gnat-ural history.

OCTOBER 7, 1865.]


BACK to the dust of the town,
Back to the work at the mill,
Back to the wig and the gown,
Back to the dun and the bill,
Back to SMITH, RlOBINSON, Beownx,
Back to the paper and quill!
No more of BIEDECIER'S Guide,
No more of French table d'hite,
No more of bridegroom and bride,
No more adventures afloat,
No more of diligence ride,
No more of circular note!
Back to my drama at day,
Back to my leader at night,
Back to the Westminster fray,
Back to the novel I write,
Back to my stall at the play,
No more roulotting afar,
No more of Baden or Ems,
No more disgusting cigar,
No more of Belgians and Flems,
No more of channel and bar,
No more upsailing of Thames!
Back to policeman and guard,
Back to the Ovals and Squares,
Back to the ill-treated Bard,
Back to the bulls and the bears,
Back to investments ill-starred,
Back to the slap-bangy airs !
No more of black demi-tasse,
No more six-sous petit ver'ee,
No more liqueur as a chasse,
No Burgomcister or Mairoe,
No play worth seeing, alas !
No dining out in the air !
Back to the chimney-pot hat,
Back to the chop at the club,
Back to my dog and my cat,
Back to my evening rub,
Back-(I'm not sorry for that)
Back to my sponge and my tub !
No more ablution in bowl,
No more absinthe to be had,
No more fantastical roll,
No more excursioning cad,
And, to tell you the truth, on the whole
I swear I'm uncommonly glad!

Another Centenary.
WHERE is Mn. HEPWORTH Dixox ? The thirteenth of October,
1866, will be the eight hundredth anniversary of the Battle of
Hastings. Surely the gentleman who made such a hash of the
SHAKESPEARE Commemoration might make a ITl .I.t.. .* out of

The Finnish of Fenianism.
A PATRIOTIC party has sprung up in Finland, advocating national
independence. These repealers style themselves 1enomcn. The
similarity of this name to the Irish Fenians is a curious Fenomen-on.

The Puff Direct.
THE Pneu-neIw-matic Despatch tube between Euston-square and
Holborn being nearly completed, we have sent one of our staff to
travel over the line and write an account of his trip. We have just
received his first report, which we print in extenso :-
I'll be blowed if I go.*
This is not insubordination we trust, but the gentleman is Irish.

lMY DEAR Mit. MUi.LIGAN,-,When, a few weeks back and some-
what to your surprise, I settled your little account, I had no idea that,
.... .... .. 1 .. the destruction of the British empire, and the
.1.i, i.... I i. i- republic, with yourself and a few congenial
spirits at its head. Had I been aware of this, I might possibly have
postponed a pecuniary transaction which was more agreeable to) your-
self than to me. I believe that a traitor cannot recover debts, butt
then there are few cases in point. As a general rule, you see, tailors
leave high treason alone.
On the whole, I consider that they are wise to do so. For my dear
MR. MUILLIGAN, whilst I 111 ready to admit that you have a pretty
taste in the matter of waistcoats, 1 am not quite prepared to accept youth
as the chief of a provisional government.
You are in gaol. You will be prosecuted, and probably found
guilty. I grieve to think of such a possibility, but it is not at all
unlikely that you will pass the next few years of your life in healthy
but unremunerative and involuntary toil. 1 trust you will not e I
The patriotism of the O'Pu UNS is notorious. On a hundred fields
of battle they have bled for the Green Isle. SAsrFIELD, and in late
years EMMETT, WOLi.aE TONE, Lon) EDWARD FITZGEoRALD, hill hlid an
O'Pini amongst their counsellors. My father acted with DANIEL
O'CONNELL. In my own hot youth 1 worked with TiHOMAs AS-M,
GAVAN DuFry, and .D'AuCY MAGEE, all of whom were men of courage
and capacity, clever writers, thinkers, speakers.
But I declined to occompany poor Mo. SMITH O'BRIEN-green gro
the grass over the tomb of a gallant gentleman-on that insurrec-
tionary excursion which led him to a certain cabbage garden, and I
very distinctly decline, oli, my MULLIGaN, to have anything to do,
except in the matter of apparel, with you !.
Am I satisfied with the condition of Ireland then ? I am distinctly
the reverse of satisfied. I consider that we have a L...1 I.....y
grievances, besides suffering front a still greater number c(.1 i.1i." 1-.
The Irish Church question, the law of Tenant Rtight, these points, 1
think, we had better settle quietly in Parliament. The English
Liberals are very heartily with us, and you will possibly excuse my
saying that, for a political coadjutor, I prefer MR. GLADSTONEI to even
But there are calamities which legislation by itself can't obviate.
I refuse to consider a base and brutal 'Saxon government" responsi-
ble for the average rain-fall of the Green Isle, for the potato disease,
or for the cattle plague, just as I should shrink from holding LOu
WOnEIIOUSE responsible for measles, or regarding S Il ROBERT PEEL as
the origin of small-pox.
And our dear countrymen, after all, Mu. MULLIGAN, have certain
little failings, which even the holy right of insurrection" wouldn't
cure. If a man is averse to handling a spade, you don't eureo hin of
laziness by presenting him with a pike.
But, humming "The French are on the sea! and thinking of the
Americans, you have been confidently relying upon foreign aid.
Pardon me, but you were wrong. The real Yankee is too smart to
engage in a bad speculation, such as The Deli\crance of Ould Erin
Company (Limited)," and though he may not bc plirtietlarly friendly
to Great Britain, lie certainly wouldn't go to wiar for yau.
A few hundreds of Filibusters might possibly have got smuggled
across to help you. Even this is problematical. But if they had, do
you remember what happened to a better man than yourself, GENeRiAL
LOPEZ, when with Yankee adventurers lhe attempted to rcvolutionizei
Cuba? Sir, the Spaniards caught him, aml iu tile public place of
Havannah they made him take a seat on a chair, and administer red tl;
punishment of the garotte-throtthld himi, sir, to deathli.
I sincerely trust, and I honestly believe, tltthe hBritish (Govertnmtnt
doesn't intend tot 1f, .111 .. In the first place you have a hull--neck
and would suffer much physical pain. In the second, who the d-ucet-
are you that you should lie promoted to dic for treison ? Sir, ancestor
of inmy own have laid their heads upon tli block.
After a few years of retirement, you will possibly becorne wiser
man. If you do, you will quietly return to your trade. I don't
advise you to give up politics. My tailor has as much right to be
political as I have. Agitate, sir, for the repeal of any grieviraices that
may then still exist. On my conscience, I believe that we shall have
removed most of them whilst you are picking oakttim.
But if you have any sense of gratitude, you will tliein thank with
your whole heart and soul the policeman who arrested you before you
had done any positive mischief, and you will be duly thankful also for
the frank epistle of Your former customer,


40 F UJ [OCTOBER 7, 1865.

F Kr r

Fou some time past the transactions at some of the leading houses
*(public) have been well sustained, and the representatives of commercial
enterprise have had their hands full of transfers, most of which ex-
'hibit a downward tendency. There has been a very active demand
for brewers' stocks, and some smaller ones, represented by BmliC's, or,
as the now firm is now styled, RING and BRYMERn's have looked with some
anxiety to the evidences of increased consumption immediately after the
'usual quarter-day payments. Large dividends, to the extent of sixteen-
penny portions of fowl and ham, have been declared both at LAKE's and
at the Bay Tree," while at the latter establishment several small
investments, mostly in fourpenny plates of cold," have been as satis-
factory as could well be expected during the present premiums on live
or dead stock.
An attempt was made only a few days ago to get up a combination
against several merchants and brokers, who are in the habit of fore-
stalling the public conveyances in their appearance in Threadneedle-
streect at five o'clock in the afternoon, and filling up all the best places
before the conductors can effect a discharge at the Royal Exchange.
The result has been only partially successful, and as holders were
firm, all that could be done was to run prices to a premium, though
.oven then outside seats, and especially those upon the roof, ruled low,
and one or two well-known brokers threatened to suspend payment,
though there was still a fair inquiry for (the evening) paper.
In the money market the usual activity has been observed that
usually attends quarter-day, although Government securities in the
shape of the policeman, who looks after the shoe-black brigade, have
suffered slightly from a fall, which has been erroneously attributed to
the removal of specie from the Bank of England, when the beadle
retired to invest in a purchase of cooper at half and half per cent.
The attendance on 'Change, especially in the morning, has been of
a kind to promote transactions in shares, in which most of the usual
occupants of the front steps are engaged when they come out for their
dinner-hour from the neighboring printing-offices. The representa-
'tives of the Spanish walk have been mainly occupied in the ineffectual
effort to remove the bad odour to which their previous operations in
the onion and tobacco markets have given rise; and it has been
endent that many of the speculators (upon what they can get for

dinner), who are known to have secured the earliest places on the ex-
changed benches, have been suffering from the effects of tightness in
the (Hay)market on the previous night. From a similar cause there
has been a run upon some few houses, and notably upon PURSELL'S,
where "sodas" have been at a premium, and ginger-beers have
divided the market with lemonades.
According to latest inquiries there was a lightness in jam tarts, and
in consequence of the increased demand for sandwiches, steaks have
been at a slight discount, while kidney-puddings ruled heavy through-
out the week.
At the ordinary yesterday there was a flatness observed in the
porter towards the afternoon; but we can state on the best authority
(that of the beadle of the Exchange) that the fountain facing the
Poultry showed more freedom, although it attracted little attention
from genuine investors.
Some fears were entertained during a great part of yesterday that
the circulation of the currency would be impeded in consequence of
invitations issued for a Civic tea party at the Mansion House, on
which occasion the police, with their accustomed sagacity, thrust
pedestrians into the road; but these fears were happily unfounded,
and the business of the day was brought to a close without any more
remarkable incident than the suspension of an officer of the Corpora-
tion, who had thoughtlessly invested in a new pair of patent elastic
There is nothing to report in bread stuffs but what you may easily
Mark-lane and inwardly digest for yourself ; and in the leather trade,
although it was a skin(g) questions in vain, inquiries only resulted in
the intelligence that no quotation has been made even for high tides.

yOTICS.--.By the desire of numerous correspondents, copies of
printed on toned paper, may now be obtained at the Office, price One Penny.
VNow ready, the Eighth Half-yearly Volume of FUN, being
handsomely bound in Magenta cloth, price 4s. 6d.
Now Ready, the TITLE, PREFACE, AND INDEX, forming an extra
Number, price One Penny. Also, now ready, Part IV.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at
80, Fleet-street, H.C.-October 7, 1835.

OCTOBER 14, 1865.] F TJ N .


EXT with a thousand small affairs,
\3JI sought the sea-to drown my cares,
Or lap in slumber smooth;
For like a cradle doth it keep
A-swaying on its rocks, till sleep
Will every trouble soothe.
Let us I did not seek the British shore,
n Meeting one's friends is such a bore-
Beside, I would repair,
For change of air-not what you trace
In any Cockney watering-place,
More changes of that 'are."
I sought the coast of France-to meet,
By chance, a French girl, passing sweet,
With lockls and eyes of sable.
Among the rocks her path picked she-
No easy task !-but then, youn see,
She with her cane was able.
Her stocking and her tiny boot
She doffed, because she picked her route
W. Where sea and shore did mingle.
M. And far more delicate and neat
,e a-n eThan was the late Adelphi treat,
Her dainty sole-on shingle !
.-A -- She did not know one English word,
Nor I a French one ;-'twas absurd,
Yet somehow we were gleaning
What each to each would fain express-
And part by instinct, part by guess,
___ We read each other's meaning.
._We parted! And I long in vain
'fo see that darling once again
O'er weedy ledges shipping.
Perfection she appeared to reach-
She'd not a thult, though o'er the beach
'Tis true I caught her tripping.

THE MODERN DRAMA. thing it would be, though, after all, were I to (lie of Asiatic cholera
Let us hope that the reports which reach us are considerably oxagge-
II.-DANDY GEORGE; OR, THE CONFOUNDED HUSBAND. rated. ... Dandy George, Dandy George, you have made a
A NEW AND ORIGINAi DRAMA t BY T T* YL*R, AUTHOR OF STrLL foolery the most grand of the world! fy house is frightful to me,
WATERS RUON DEEP;" "THE TICKET-or-LEAv E MAN;"' "THE and I re-enter not there without to find some chagrin.
SERF," &C., &e., &e., &c., &C., &c., &c. (In MOLIERE's piece the wife of George Dandin, Angl61ique, has a
IN presenting oaur readers with a few specimens of a new and original lover, Clitandre; but in s. T a*'s production the fooin, a
drama by one of the most prolific writers of the day, who certainly oral British audi ence ar protected; and to prov e 'the of
understands French remarkably well, we desire to protest against the our author we may mention that he only introduces young guds-
the English equivalent for George Dandin," nor The Confounded with Dandy George's wife, whose name is not Ang6lique, but Angelica.
.Husband for "Le Marl Confondu." There is, no doubt, a general re- Angelica's parents are partial to Vavasour and oppressive to Dandy
semblance between the two pieces, but the frequent allusion to topics George. This leads to a diverting original situation.)
of the day are, we should hope, quite sufficient to prove the originality DANDY GEoOE.-I attest the sky that I was in the house, and
of iR. T*xaL*n'S composition. Without further preface we proceed to DANDY GEORGE.- at
give an extract from the first scene FATHER-IxN-LAw.-Silence yourself; this is an extravagance which
PRFMIeER ACT.-ScENE 1. is not supportable. Why, you young dog, you're more extra-
DANDY GEonoRE.-Ah, that a woman, born-lady, is a strange affair! vagant than WINDHAM!
and that my marriage is a lesson very speaking to all the peasants who DANDY GE oGE.- May the thunderbolt crush me all to the hour if-
wish to elevate themselves, above of their condition, and to ally FATunt- i-LAw.--Break you notany further your head, and dream
themselves, as I have done, to the house of a gentleman! you to demand pardon to your wife.
. By the bye, I sincerely hope that the next attempt to lay DANDY G~osc.IE-Me! To demand pardon? ... What, as if
down the Atlantic cable will be more successful than the last. ...... I'd been convicted at the Central Criminal Court ?
Nobility of itself is good; it is a thing considerable, assuredly ; but FATHsn-iu--LAw.-Yes, pardon; and on the field.
it is accompanied of so many of bad circumstances that it is very good DANDY GEoRCE.-What! I-

not to rub one's self about it. I am become thereupon learned to my FATwIE-N-LAw.-French-horn blue! if you reply me, I will teach
'expense, and know the style of the nobles when they make us, we you what it is to play yourself to ns.
others, to enter into their family. Talking of family matters, DANDY GEonoN.-Ah, thou wouldest have it, DANDY Gaoaox!
by the way, how exceedingly difficult it is to procure a good servant! TAo.
. The alliance that they make is little with our persons. It is This piece, I need not tell you, friends in front,
our property alone that they espouse; and I should have more well Runs, if you'll let it; runs not, if you won't!
done, all rich as I am, to ally myself in good and frank peasanthood, Here, where Burlesque bath often been the rage,
than to take a wife who holds herself above of me, offends herself to I'd seek to purify the British stage!
carry my name, and thinks that with all my property I have not enough To SHARESPEARE'S fame if you'll continue true,
purchased the quality of her husband! What a dreadful Why, Dandy George has nought to fear from You!






SAVINGand exceptFenianism,
7 -which is after all very" small
potatoes" indeed-and those
diseased ones-there is posi-
tively nothing to write about.
k Even if there were, my short
narrative would be far less
interesting than the "long
tails" the ardent sportsman
is seeking in every cover.
And hard enough work it is,
too, for the trees are almost
as leafy as they were in Juno.
A few elms here and there
are just beginning to pay the
,>v.' -' $ debt of nature, reluctantly
zzZ,!; doling out the yellow leaves
!/.. a ^as the British taxpayer sheds
his gold coins. I suppose the
country has not looked so
S"jolly green at this season
S- T of the year for a long time.
/1/VL f Some people are ungrateful
enough to find fault with the
continuance of sunny days, and say that the cattle plague and the
cholera are due to it.
Les extremes se touchecnt. That staunch Conservative LoRn ROBERT
MONTAGU has, as PaOFEsson ROGERS pointed out in a letter to the Star
the other day, been advocating communism, in a suggestion that a tax
should be levied to recoup the farmers half their loss by the cattle
plague. I am sorry to see such a radical change in one whose chief
claim to public notice was his consistency. The notion is certainly a
little socialistic. What will the Social Science people say to it ?
I HAVE just received a batch of eartes d/e visible of the great CHANG,
taken by the Stereoscopic Company. They are curiously successful
in giving one a notion of his height. One in which he stands con--
trasted with the Han Kow Rebel Boy," CuoNn Mow, is very funny;
but I hope the camera has, as is usual for it to do, libelled the lady,
CHANG is not flattered, but his expression is pleasantly rendered,
whereas his wife-one can't say "better half" where the relative
proportions are reversed-does not appear to advantage. Bythe way,
it is interesting to read the autobiography of CHANO, and notice in
how many instances the proverbs of the Chinese resemble some of our
own old saws. I have run the little brochure hastily over, and recall
the following instances :-" To strive is man's part, but to accomplish
heaven's." "It is a waste of water to pour it on a duck's back."
" One word to a wise man should be as one lash to a good horse."
The Confucian doctrine that we should treat others according to
the treatment we ourselves would desire at their hand" bears resem-
blance to a higher teaching than that of proverbs. The story CHANG
tells is amusing. His marriage was a romantic one for his country-
he fell in love with his wife and she-well, I suppose she climbed in
love with him, whereas Chinese marriages are generally arranged by
the parents. CHUNG, the dwarf is also victim to the tender passion.
Short as he is he had a worse fall than falling in love-he was pitched
out of window by his beloved's papa. I only hope the autobiography
of CHANG is not written by some one else.
TuE latest sensation is the invention by a gentleman in Scotland
of machinery by which he makes mice spin yarn. According to his
calculation immense fortunes are to be realized by this economy of
diminutive labour. This is reversing the old fable. The ridicuhus
amus is to give birth to a mountain of profit.
"No case. Abuse plaintiff's attorney," was the endorsement of a
noted brief. I modify the maxim, and when there is no news,
appeal to the reader's feelings." My charity sermon in this instance
has a text divisible into two heads. Firstly:-The National Lifeboat
Association has published its Wreck-chart in that excellent little
journal, The Lifecboat. From the chart I gather that although with the
increase of our commerce there is naturally a larger number of wrecks
every year, the lives lost in those casualties are becoming fewer and
fewer each year, thanks to the exertions of this noble society, which
stands in need of funds to carry on the good work. Secondly:-I
have been looking over the twenty-sixth annual report of the News-
venders' Benevolent and Provident Institution, and see the balance
might be bigger than it is. As every person who reads these lines is
indebted, in some form or another, to the newsvender, an appeal on
behalf of the Institution is not out of place ; but as no less an orator
than CHARLES DICKENS was President this year, and his speech is
obtainable, I had better content myself by recommending its perusal.

[OCTOBER 14, 1865.

WHEN September's Kalends and Ides are over;
The merriest month in stubble and plain,
Fills the pheasants, in ferny cover,
With store of berries and gifts of grain;
And the papers rely on sensation leaders;
And columns are open to constant readers;"
And whilome in foreign lands a rover,
The British tourist comes home again.
Come, 0 tourist, from foreign places,
Oracle now of thy native town,
With friends that wonder at foreign graces,
With speech to a Delphic utterance grown;
Leave to RAFFAELLE his mild Madonnas
In the ancient halls of the great Colonnas;
For the Mossoo's words and the strange grimace
Are answered only by surly frown.
For the trips with the tickets of CooK are ended,
And all the season of bags and bills,
The Circular Notes that his hand expended,
The hearts that were weary of travelling ills;
And he's been to Turkey, and swears by ALLA ;.
To Rome, and looks scorn on Caracalla;
And by faithful MuRnA& once more befriended,
He gazes again-on English hills.
For he comes by night and he comes-bydaiy,
Slower of foot than the City- Police;
Speech with the garnish of s'il vosm.plait;"
The girl, "ma fille,"' andthe boy, "mojfils."
He's walked and chattered round PETER's dome;
A new Bolanus* in modern Rome;
While-as when classic swells held sway,-
Still does the Capitol echo geese.
But Dover is here and the luggage is right,
And Poseidon's perils are safelyo'er;
The train is off in the heart ef the night,
And shimmer the stars on the sounding shore,
The train is off with a roar and..rattle ;
But the tourist:talks with the lips that prattle-
To the ears that listen and take delight-
The traveller's tales and the guide-book lore!

DEAR SIR,-I venture to implore your kind assistance in solving
three questions which have troubled me night and day for weeks past.
Can you tell me, sir,
1. The difference between an acrobat and a living made by. stealing.
india-rubber ?
2. Why phrenology resembles a corollary ? and ,
3. Why did the Greeks do more than any other nation to retard the-
progress of the fine arts ?
Answer me, dear sir, I beg, and receive the heartfelt blessings of
*,* 1. One is an elastic incomprehensible, and the other is ain
elastic income-reprehensible.
2. Because it's a conk-illusion.
3. Because they supplied lots of Phidias (of hideous) statues.
Be happy, EDITOR.

WE- understand that the Hummums," which were doomed, have
had a reprieve. MR. BARNUM, who is on his way to England, is-about
to purchase the Hum 'em "s for his private residence.

I HAVE taken my part in the brotherly strife
That for days has been going on here;
And I find it's a very true picture of.life-
A good many smiles-and a "Tir."
Conf. Hoer. Sat. I. 9.

.OCTOBER 14, 1865.]


THE Newmarket Second October Meeting will have commenced
before the burning- words that NICHOLAS is now about to write in the
MS. will be revealed to mortal eye, by being set up in type by the
printer, than whom I am sure no one more attentive and obliging,
though perhaps a little inclined to grumble when the old man is late
with his copy. Such, the Prophet is free to own, is often the case, he
being irregular in his habits of literary composition, to which he was
not brought up in early life, it having more resembled a rough-and-
tumble to get his bread and cheese than the pleasing studies of the
Academician Grove. (Please let the printer put Academician Grove"
with a big A and a big G, it being meant as a compliment to PLATO, and,
the printer sometimes taking upon himself to alter the Prophet's
authorgraphy when such a course as to do so is not nessary.)
And so, my merry men all, under which thimble is the little pea ?
Salpinctes, Alabama, Privateer, Lansdown. Who is to win the
Casarewitch ? Wouldn't you like to know, my sportive readers ? (Let
the printer put the next part like a stage-play.)
Nicholas.-Would'st thou ?
Sportive Beaders.-Yes, we would'st, we wouldn't.
Nicholas.-And who is the proper person for to give you the tip, eh,
my friends and patrons ? Is it the Old Man ?
Sportive Readers.-Yes, we would'st, leastways of course we mean,
Yes, it is! NICHOLAS is him !
Niceholas.-Am I right?
Sportivae Readers.-Yes,-we would'st! Give us the tip.
Nicholas.-Wait anminite,xyou dear impatient creatures. Who was
it that sent you Gklaiateur'folthesDerby ?
Sportive Readers-.it ,wasr.areoLAs.
Nicoholas.-Whowasithe only Prophet in the land, bar none, who
.loretold a deadtirAtt aAscot between Ely and General Peel, with the
former to win:tithe -second try ?
Sportive Readersa---iCome -.now, NIcHOLAS, that's pitching it ,a little
too strong, that .is. 'You might have 'foretold it; but you told us
yourself that'youiforgot.torpost the betterr containing the prediction,
which in consequence ever saw the light until after the race. 'No,
NICHorS,' sticlk.to:facts. )Facts will -speak trumpet-tongued in your
favour, you godd .and *'gifted aged man. Never will it be forgotten
whilst a single annual of the British turf remains, how gloriously you
vaticinated the absolute winner of the St. Leger; 'only don't
Nicholas.-You are right, my worthy friends. The old man spoke
from memory, which is apt to fail one at his period, but in future will
always refer to his notes, and is proud and pleased to find you anxious
for his tip about the Casarewitch. Thinking that you would probably
like a clear and definite selection, naming first, second, and third.
Sportive Readers.-So wewould'st. Old man, you are correct.
Nicholas.-Thinking such, the Prophet has sent a private note to the
Editor, than whom a more affable gentleman, though a little averse
j XT ...... .. ~I 1 1 1 ,

Gladiatour is heavily weighted. 9 stone 12 is no joke, own to the
winner of the Two Thousand, the Derby, and the Loger, not to speak
of triumphs on the Gallic Shore.
The heaviest weighted that ever won the Cambridgeshire was
Lanercost, with only 8 stone 9, and he was a four-year old, while
Gladiateur is only three, in spite of insinuation by people who want
to have his teethexamined, though really much more foul-mouthed in
their own.
It is an enormous'weight, but. then the Frenchman is a good and
gifted horse, and if the Count and JENNINOS really nmean him, 1 wouldn't
advise you, my sportive friends, to lay too heavily against such very
clever gentlemen, than whom I am sure none more knowing, though
perhaps a little-- ?
P.S.-Keep a'lo6kout for the Special Number.
'P.P.S.-I-havewagood thing for next yeais'aDerby.

AIR-" Doodh'."
THE Fychow dandy strutsabout
In a pigtail-such'';big tail!-
And that s the reason '. come out
In a big-tailed pigtailitooe
I've had to sail all-night,
And I've had towsail.ill day,
From over the-sea, ,whsto'they-'grow green tea,
And are dressed in thi, Chinese way.
With naught'to do but sleep arid'fedd,
In,,a: pigtail-such a big tail !-
What a lovely lifeo'wo Fychows lead,
And our big-tailed, pigtails too.
'We wag our heads all night,
And'nod our heads all day;
'While'the dog and the cat make us;alhgT0Vfat
'In the'welllknownEthineso'way!
"When rArwe'gees'rhome in ainofnter'kip,
.Andihis pigtail--what'albig tall!
He'll: have don'somo-good' by'his' Gookney trip,
And his big-tailed pigtail too!
And then he'll feast all night,
And play upon gongs all day;
And he'll once moro fly to his bird's-nest pio
In his eager Chinese way.

9&11 a 0 Iarrtaplbeidz.

to raising INIIHOLAS weekly wages, asking imm to arrange to have a A GENTLEMAN, who began by leaving "An Odo to Anger," written
SPECIAL NUMBER OF FUN, on a collar, has called again, and apparently left his whole stock,
published on the 9th October, before this will be revealed to mortal Will he kindly come with a cart, and remove his contributions ?
eye as mentioned previous, so that there can be no collusion this time. ti D.-I'e oefeirof a sri-tyeo b" oeai, ten cantos long, is a texip.
All square, my patrons, and no kid. In this number I pledge myself Hwn'n s, and Swi.T'', atd most especially if (although never
to name published) it is perfectly popular." Nevertheless, wo must
So that if the Editor accedes to my request you will be placed upon a DR. C*mr*NG.-In writing to us you should really use some nomr
prouder pinnacle than the subscribers to any other sportive periodical, de plume, as the Beemaster of the Times does; the public will find you
bar none, though not inimical to any of them, there being room for out otherwise, and you're too often found out-in prophecy. Our
us all, live and let live, is my motto, though of course the prophecies Almanack will contain a Hieroglyphic for 1866. Look out for it.
of NICHOLAS stand upon a very different apex than some of his con- AN EARNEST INuiintEa.-We believe that a selection from 'lurmit
temporaries whom it would be invidious to name. will form an early volume of MxoN's lMiniatur 1'Poets, and you
Sportive Readers.-Well, then, our trusty guide, would'st thou not may therefore look for your favourite poet, CLOSE, before very long.
partake of some refreshment, say a bottle of sherry wine ? A TRAVELLEM.- Don't be ridiculous! You want the roverso of a
Nicholas.-Yes, I would'st-at least, no-don't print that, mind, tarpauling. Watch your opportunity, and go and seeo A it. BED-
'because it looks undignified, and too colloquial, and might give the ronsD acting the sailor in the Green Bushes, and you'll see a PAUL-
mistaken impression that the Prophet was a regular old sot, but put it tar-ing.
down like this, more: No, I would'st not After my prophecy have GAIY.--WO cannot tell you where to send your subscription to the
appeared, after my selection have won, the old man will gladly cele- fund for indemnifying l iss BUuRDET COUTTS for the loss of her cows.
brate the festive and emolumentary occasion in the flowing bowl, but But we would remind you not to give all to this charity, its a subscrip.
not before, such being unbecoming of a Sportive Editor of the Now tion is afoot to supply the MAnuvis o' WESTMINSTER with a few sinimpl
Serious, and now, to show that refusal of your hospitality is not luxuries.
prompted by ingratitude, let me give you in addition B3ELLA has three suitors, all equally eligible. The first is tall and
dark, the second short and fair, the third middle-sized and brown.
A FEW NOTES ON THE CAMBRIDGESHIRE, Their means are about equal, ard she believes they all love her alike.
A hippie contest which will not take place before the 24th, so that 'I In this difficulty she appeals to us, and wishes to know how she shall
shall have plenty of time to keep you posted up, and to-day will speak make her choice. We only see one way out of the puzzle and that is
cursory. toss up."

4F N [OCTOBER 14, 1865.

A.ngelina:-" OH, EDWIN,-IF YOU LOVE ME, SAVE, OH, SAVE MY best bacs hair !"

SOME folks feel a panic
At changes organic-
(Or organophanic,
I cannot say which,
For there's really no knowing)-
The sun has been showing,
Which on appear going
To some awful pitch.
For he's more than one chasm,
That no cataplasm
Could hide-one chap has 'em,
Who writes to the Times,
As so many leagues
That to count them fatigues
(Who with BABBAGE intrigues,
I hold guilty of crimes).
But all that been wrote, oh sphere
Touching your photosphere-
Pshaw, pish, and go-to! -'s fear,
Blind as a bat!
Ask folk scientific
They'll cry in a jiffy "C-
-Onfound it-terrific ?
There's nothing of that.!
"It's only the sun
Who's a bit overdone,
And it's really no won-
-Der, considering how
These six months together,
Straight off in a tether,
We've had such hot weather;-
We're having it now! "

DEAR MISTER FUN,-I and my sister have been to see the Chinese
giant, CHANG, the tall man of Fychow, and I like it very much, and
I write to tell you so because I like you and laugh at you so much,
and spend a penny on you every week, and always look out for
So perhaps you would like to hear what I think of the giant.
Well, then, you know he is very tall, but he is not wicked nor cruel,
as giants used to be in the good old days, and he shook hands with
me, and I was not afraid, and MRS. CHANG is a very nice woman,
though her feet are too small, and she is married to MR. CHANG, and
they both have fans.
Ma. CHUNG Mow is a dwarf, littler than I am, though much older,
and he is very proud of himself though ugly, and likes to make the
people laugh, and he sings songs and pretends to fight, and when MR.
CHANG carries him round the room as nurse does baby, MaR. CHUNG
Mow, the dwarf, thinks a deal more of himself than Mu. CHANG
does, though Ma. CHANG is ever so much the taller.
And my papa said that the Englishman who gave the lecture was
too flippant, and had no right to chaff his audience (and please, dear
M1I. FUN, if .I spell any hard words wrong, to let some of your clever
young men correct them, for my papa, who is tall, though not near so.
high as MR. CHANG, says that it is a hard thing to write English, and I
am only a little boy, and what a large spelling-book MASTER CHANG
must have had when young, and what a lot he must read at a time).
My papa said that both MR. and Mas. CHANG were handsome, and
that their manner was perfectly grave, courteous, and Oriental, and
he wished the lecturer's manner had been the same.
MR. FUN, I am,
Yours very truly,
P.S.-MAR. CHANG is 7 feet 8, and I am 2 feet 11.

SF UJ N .-OCTOBER 14, 1865.


I OCTOBER 14, 1865.]


I'M sure I don't know what the world is a-comin' to, that I don't,
for the way as parties goes on is awdacious as I never did. Why, you
ain't safe in your own house, as BuOWN says is a Englishman's castle,
,not as I'd wish to have one for to live in myself thro' known' what
,they is, as I've seen with my own eyes, where my own aunt lived and
Died, as the sayin' is, bein' a place called Rochester, as you did use to
i get at easy by the boat to Gravesend, and a 'bus as runned regular.
Of all the ruinated old places, with no roof on and holes all round
iyou, with a wind enough to turn a mill, and I should say as they must
i have been strong constitutions in them days, and must be fond of air,
-, and not mindin' the cold thro' a-wearin' iron plates all over 'em didn't
i'feel it, as must have been uneasy for to sleep in I should say, not to
say a-pressin' hard on the body, as I never could bear even a steel
buskk myself, and do not hold with them restraints, as must be
But I was a-settin' noddin' a bit, thro' its being duskish carter tea,
and not a-carin' for to light a candle too soon, when I hears a sharp
crack as woke me up sudden; but I says, P'raps it was fancy," and
'didn't take no more notice, and it wasn't till the next day as I was
a-standin' at the winder, and see a party a-keep a-touchin' of his cap
and a-pointin'. So thinking' as he were p'raps took silly, I didn't
make no remarks till he rung the bell.
I says to the gal as answered it, and was a-talkin' to him at the
. gate, "Whatever is it ? She says, He wants to know if he shall
mend you."
"Mend me!" I says; "he's a maniac." "Yes," she says, "he is,
for he don't speak no English proper," as proved to be a foreigner.
So I says, "Whatever is it, mounseer P?" thro' known' how they
likes to be talked to; but he jabbers away as sounded Jewish to me,
and kep' a-pointin' to the parlour window, and if there wasn't a pane
starred all over, as must have been the crack as I heard over night,
and them HARKER boys, the plague of the place, a-throwin' stones all
about, as is highly dangerous, and cost their own mother a front tooth
coming' sudden round the corner.
So I says, "Whatever will you do it for?" He says, "One
shillin', sixpence," as the gal heard him.
So I says, "That ain't dear," to myself, "as will be half-a-crown if
I sends to the glazier." So I says, "I'm agreeable; but of all the
knockin' and crashin' as he made I never did, and cracked two in
doing' it, as he says he'd do a-makin' signs like.
When it was done if he didn't say as he would have five shillin's,
- a-holdin' up his fingers for the money.
I says, Go along with your rubbish, I won't pay you." He says,
"You pay me, you pay me," a-keepin' on a-hollaring at me.
So I says, LIZA, you open the front door wide," and I ups withthe
tongs, as was handiest, and says, "Now you go peaceable and quiet,
or things may be unpleasant," and puts the eighteenpence on the
table, as he collared precious quick, but says, More I vill 'ave."
Will you," says I, "now go." Well, he kep' a-backin' and
a-backin', me a-follarin' him up with the tongs, as he seemed for to
rink from like, but when he gets to the door-mat there he stops, and
wouldn't let the gal shut the door thro' putting' in his foot, as was
my orders.
I says, Get out, will yer." "No," he says, my money, my money."
So I gives a plunge at him' with the tongs, as I didn't think as
would have reached him, but ketched him in the side, nothing' for to
signify, as wouldn't have knocked a fly off, as the sayin' is, when if
he didn't scream out and falls backards down them three front steps
of ours, as I shouldn't so much have cared about the fellow a-fallin'
backward on if it hadn't been as that good soul, Mas. YARDLEY, were
a-comin' up that very minute, as is a lusty bigger, and not as active
.as she used to be thro' lumbago, as has crippled her these two years,
:and if they didn't go and roll down both together to the gate.
I never did have such a fright in my life, for I heard poor MAls.
.YARDLEY give a sort of a something' between a groan and a hollar, as
'was the breath a-bem' knocked out on her, and the glass as he was
a-.. rryin' under his arm a-crushin' and shiverin' all over, and all as
e'.'.: r me and LIZA could do would get the fellow up, as pretended to
be stunned, and groaned frightful.
Well, what to do I couldn't tell, and if it hadn't been for the
butcher boy as come up, and a milkwoman, as is natural strong thro'
carrying' them pails, as braces up the bigger, I don't think as we ever
should have got that wagabond for to move, as had got his back agin
'poor MRS. YARDLEY'S chest till she was black in the face.
Of all the cussin' as ever I heard that willing give into, a sayin' as
4I had killed him with broken glass worth a sovereign scattered all
,over the place; but law, I didn't pay no attentions to him thro'
a-gettin' Mihs. YARDLEY into the parlour, as had come to spend the
day, with the crown of her bonnet stove in, and her new gownd all
Gravel walk and putty, to say nothing' of the broken glass as had
worked in.

It's a mercy as she wasn't killed, and, in fact, when I seeoo her
a-settin' takin' her dinner comfortable, as she did in about a hour's
time, I was thankful, bein' a heavy figure for to fall, as must weigh
many tons if she's a ounce.
But as to that wagabond as I'd have had the law on; but, bless
you, there's never a policeman about if you was to scream your life
out; he swore awful as he'd have me up. I says, Do your wusi,
this is my house, and BitowN is my name," as 1 wouldn't deny was it
ever so.
But, law, the fellow kep' on a-talkin' and a-groanin', a-rulbbin' of
his side, that at last I give him.the five shillin's for to go in peace and
quietness, thro' a-wantin' for to go in and see to the dinner, as were a
roast fowl with a nice bit of pickled pork, some nice French beans,
and a damson tart, as that gal was no more capable of looking' arter
than flyin'.
I certainly was savage when I see that follow as soon as he'd got
the money run down the place and turn round for to put his fliniiL.rs
to his nose, as the gal told me, as met him with fetclhin' the tart, as
he called me a old cow, and that most of' his glass was fragments
a-ready made for the purpose.
When BuoWN come in he only laughs and calls me Old Greenhorns,
as said it is one of the oldest tricks out with them glazier chaps, as
goes and breaks the winders with their-own hands over night regular,
as ain't glaziers at all.
But glad I was to see it come home to hini, for it was only last
Sunday as BROWN read it out to me from the papers, as the saimo
wagabond, no doubt, had been a-tryin' it on with a party iup in
Finsbury, as is a monk thro' bein' close to the Catlholic chapel, as has
a many on them about, and if that monk and his good lady didn't up
and kick him out of the house, as I was glad on, and only hopes as it
may be a warning' to him, as is sure to come to a bad end.
A audacious falsehood as he is, the' a light character he must be,
for Muis. YARDLEY hadn't as much as a bruise, the' there's no tellin'
what a shock may do a-takin' of you sudden in coming' up stops, as is
a thing I never could a-bear thro' being' frightful dangerous in.afrost,
as well I knows to my cost thro' once a-rolliln' from the top. to the
bottom of twelve one New Year's Day evenisn', the list' on my shoes
and cinders throw'd, down on; but I am glad as the magistracy
wouldn't give that' fellow no satisfaction, and said as-the monk was
perfect right in kickin' him out as I wish I'd a done, a reg'lar bad lot
as put in the glass shameful, and as green as grass with a seam in it,
as makes everything' look crooked outside. Buit law, if it ain't one
thing it's another, anud really there's no tellin' a thief from an honest
man now-a-days, as is a thing as L don't hold with.

THE Cit who for his holidays
Leaves town as I've, for one, done,
Will find on all sides meet his gaze
Rocmembrances of London.
For him, who, though he's out of town,
Still London leaves his heart in,
The swallow, when the sun goes down,
Reminds of DAY AND MALtTIN.
And where the stepping-stones provide
A safe, if not a quick ford,
He cannot o'er the streamlet stride
And not recall his P1i'c-voIoi.
The conies leaping o'er the sward
Leave footprints in the dews,
That bring to mind the big placard
Of RAlmIiTS' boots and shoes."
If in the fields a lass he meets,
His memory swift will range
From th' artless way in which she greets
To a 'bus towards the Exchange.

Oun special reporter, after asserting I libernically, He'd be blowed
if he'd go," went, and on arriving at the end of his journey remarked
that "hc was blowed," but he did not mind as it was all done for Fo.x.

A COnRRESPONDENT of the Pall .Mall Gazette suggests flogging by
machinery. We understand that America intends to adopt the plan
with a view to carrying out its long promise of whipping creation.

47 ,

I-M, -,-

48 F U N [OCTOBER 14, 1865.

"i"', i/iii' ,, 1,;', TEMPERANCE LYRICS.
l i. 7 ,',I i ii
I Lovs the water of the rippling rill,
1- -- Of white cascades that thunder in the mountains;
The water of the lakelet, vexed or still;
The water, even, of the Drinking Fountains!
I love the water of the brooks that rise
-i In grassy glades, and "make a sudden sally ;"
The water of the lonely mere, that lies
Half hidden by the haze that shrouds the valley;
SI And, for my Song requires this plaintive coda,
I love the water that is charged with Soda.
II love the "cry of Dart amid the waste,
'When the wide moor is hushed in midnight slumber;
And-such my catholicity of taste !-
'5 HI love the Tyne, the Thames, the Tweed, the Humber.
I love the roaring of the flood in spate,
I l I Boisterous and brown, that rushes from the highlands;
4 tBut equally I love, I beg to state,
The watery whispers breathed round osier islands;
S1,I And, for my Song requires this plaintive coda,
I II I love the popping of my bottled Soda!
0 Fons Bandusie," glittering like glass,
,, AT But brighter and with more resplendent crystal,
--- If ever by thy waters I should pass,
S,-- How gladly would I fill my pocket-pistol!
More gladly far than at the German wells
E-A/ TOf Baden and of Ems, which to my thinking
As beverages are confound sells-
Good for the gout, but horrible for drinking!
And, still my song requires its plaintive coda,
I love the water that is charged with Soda!
The Bacchanal, of course, may take offence;
-M-May doubt the nature of my locus stand;
TMay hint that soda is a mere pretence,
And that I much prefer it mixed with brandy.
"Soda and B." I own is very good;
Though I've sworn off" I don't deny its merits;
TOO L AT E FOR T H E P OS T. But exercise, good hours, and wholesome food,
Are better stimulants than ardent sperrits;
Ebriosus (paternally patting the post) :-" WHAT, NOT GONE A' D YET et th r
'COME, I SHAY, MY LIL' MAN,, ITH TIME OU WERE TUCKED UP AN I sti o unadulve the rated Soda! l coda,

A R AH NiA P 0 G U E SCENE 2.-A wretched cabin. SHAUN TH1E POST, ARRAH-NA-POGUE,
A R A s N A oP 0 m U E. and a wedding party of male and female peasants. The wedding party
RE-CAST BY A BRUTAL SAXON. drunk. The Ate Coul hiding.
ACT I. Music "Paddy's Wedding."
ANDY REGAse.-Shaun, sing us a song.
SCENE 1.-Gledalough by moonlight. The soon illuminated at the ex- SHAUN ( naudlin tender).-Hwhat song, boys ?
pense of the English tax-payers. ANDY.-" The Wearin' o' the Green."
EnterTHE e COUL. SHAUN.-Whisht! whisht! Wud I be singin' "The Wearin' o'
TnE l pc COUL.-I am a rebel, and hope to be always received as such. the Green," within ear-shot of the barks (barracks)
(Indulgent British audience applauds.) ANDY, MIICHAEL, PADDY, AND CoRNEY.-We'll watch that none o'
CORNEY O'NOOLAGIIAN, &c. (Andy, Miehael, Paddy, and Corney go of to give information at the
RAPPAREES.-LOng life to the Mc Coul! barracks that Shaun is singing a seditious song.)
(They prostrate themselves before him.) Shaun sings :
M CoouL.-Bless ye, brightest jewels in the crown of Emrin. And I met with Napper Tandy, and I says, "What do you here ?"
what have ye brought the chieftain who will never desert the boys He answers, "These are jolly days, blood's spilling' everywhere ;
who thieve for him or the emerald flag of his own native isle ? Them Saxon dogs is killing every one that can be seen,
Music-" Garryowen." Because their clothes are black, or white, or blue, or grey, or green."
(The Rapparees give him various articles which they have stolen in the Enter THE O'GRADY and soldiers.
neighbourhood.) THE O'GRADY.-Arrest everybody for sedition; also Arrah-na-
C COUL-Whisht! Pogue for harbouring the rebel Beamish Mc Coul!
Mc Cou.-i Whisht! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Hide, SHAUN (.jealously).-Are ye after hidin' him on my weddin'-day?
boys, hide! (The apparees and the .ie Cul hide.) ARRAK (to Shaun).-Sure, darlin, it was only that I might give him
Enter MRn. MICHAEL FEENEY, a respectable and solvent man. up to the Govvernment, and so get the rewar-rud (reward).
FEENEY (inceautiously).-I have about me a sum of 30,000 in gold. SHAUN (melted to tears).-Alanna ashore! Core of my heart!
I hope I shall not meet any of those vagabond rebels. Krincshigshivabathongrauagh! (Embraces her.)
Me COUL.-Boys, is he armed? THE O'GRADY.-Where is the Me Coul E
RAPPAREES.-We think not. And he's not looking SOLDIERS (who have been searching the house).-Gone!
M c CoUL.-Then upon him! THE O'GRADY (knowing the habits of the peasantry).-Remember the
Music-" The Shan van Yoght." reward offered for his apprehension is 500.
SHAuN.-I'll give him up for half that sum.
(They fall peon Feeney and beat him until he is senseless, take the money AnRAH.-And I for half that.
f aso his pocket, ofer it to the Me Coal, who stands upon the necks of SHAuN.-Och, shame on yez to undersell your husband on his wed-
Beganand Byrse. T hen wave agreenifag, andshout "hurroo!" din'-day! (Theyfight.)

OCTOBER 14, 1865.] F 1U N .

ANDY REGAN.-Sure, O'Grady, I'll give up the Mc Coul too.
MIKE.-And so will I.
ConNEY.-And I.
THE O'GRADY (conscious that he is the descendant of kings-that is,
of Irish kings).-Arrest Shaun the Post!
SHAun.-Hwhat for ?
THE O'GRADY.-I don't know.
SHAUN.-Who has betrayed me ?
THE O'GrADY.-The Me Coul.
PEASANTRY.-Blessin's on the Me Coul.
(Shaun is made prisoner. The peasantry fall on their faces and worship
the O'Grady, the descendant of kings-that is, of Irish kings.)
LMusie-" St. Patrick was a gentleman."
SCENE 1.-A2athygar, Rathmines, or 2athdrcim, indeed anywhere near Dublin.
ZMusic-" We may roam through this world."
Enter FANNY POWER, of Cabinteely.
FANNY.-Sure the O'Grady loves me, and I love the Me Coul a
little, so I pretend to love both. It is such a noble thing to be a rebel.
Enter THE Me CouL.

Me CouL.-My own one !
FANNY.-Mine for ever.

(They embrace.)

THE O'GRADY.-What do I see!
FANNY (aside to O'G).-Whisht! I only brought him here to give
him up to you.
THE O'GRADY.-Gostheraflooshagra!
Mc COUL (to Fanny, jealously).-I see you had an appointment with
my rival.
FANNY (to Me Coul).-Whisht! I only brought him here that you
might meet him.
Me COUL.-Hurroo !
THE O'GRADY.-THurroo! (They fight. Both are nearly killed.)
FANNY (looking at them).-It is themselves that are the dandies.
Music-" When history's pages! "
and MR. MICHAEL FEENEY, the only respectable persons present. Xo
evidence of any sort is given.

THE PRESIDENT.-We find Shaun guilty.
THE PRESIDENT.-And sentence him to be hanged.
(Andy, Patrick, and Shaun's immediate friends apply for
Music-" The sprig of Shillelagh!"

the office of

SCENE.-Ballybctagh Castle. SHAUN discovered in a dungeon. ITe breaks
open a window and climbs up by the iry until he reaches the tower,
where he finds FANNY POWER advising ARnwua when she is a widow
to marry the O'GRADY. AnRAR consents. The O'GRADY and
Me COUL and peasantry enter from opposite sides and begin to fight.
When the battle is at its height, MR. MICHAEL FEENEY, who since the
last act has been promoted to the office of Secretary of State, enters
with one policeman, who takes the contending parties into custody.
The O'GRADY is offibrd his liberty, which he accepts gratefully.
The O'GRADY then makes an offer of his hand, and the prospect of an
Irish throne to FANNY POWER, who rejects him and seeing that 1Ri.
MICHAEL FEENEY is the man most likely to get on in the world,
proposes to him and is accepted.
THE PEASANTRY (falling on their faces to 3f[ichael Tecney).-Long
life to the O'Feeney!
Music-" The Exile of Erin."

Any other Article To-day P
VWE have taken the trouble to lift from the columns of a contempo-
r r- ti.. f.-.llowing advertisement, in which there seems to be a most
i' .. [Lkibrtto reconcile the creed and the counter :-
'P':' iitkiERNS' ASSISTANTS.-AWANTED, in a Drapery Establishment, a
' 4 YU.iNj MAN to take principally the gentlemen's and hosiery departments.
! Sir- i. ,, Dissenter preferred. Address A. B., Mr. II-- 's Essex IIouse,
S- ,X.
F,Fincv the intense horror of a Nonconformist counter-jumper at
find in t h, some Church of England customer had run up a little bill
including exactly thirty-nine articles !

EDITOR,-Brussels is a beautiful little city, crammed full of interest-
ing associations. But as I don't think it right to take the bread out
of poor MURRAY'S mouth, I am not going to specify them particu-
larly. Not that MURRAY has dealt well with me; 1 am sulky with
MURRAY. I don't believe in his hotel recommendations, and I don't
think he is a good judge of pictures. lle has an arbitrary way of
dealing with hotels and piefures which is very convincing' as you read
about them in the train on your journey to a place, but when you cone
to read over his dicta about them, after having had the advantage of
a practical experience of them, you find that you and lie are atc logger-
*heads on many important points. For instance, why does lie plaee
the Hotel Bellevue at the head of the hotels in Brussels ? Is it because
it is dear ? Is it because the table-d'hbte is offensively pretentious ?
Is it because the spirited proprietor avails himself of every chance
of turning the nimble half-franc that the inexperience cl' the
traveller may offer him e MEM. If you should ever go to the Belle-
Vue at Brussels, never tell the concierge to call a cab for you-go and
call it for yourself. If you don't lie will send for a velhicle about one-
third the size of an ordinary fiacre, but in every other respect exactly
like one, and you will be charged fifty per cont. above the authorized
tarif eon the ground that it is not a public carriage, ibut tIhe private
property of the hotel-keeper. Also, if you propose to go to Waterloo
to-morrow, don't be swindled into booking" your place at the liclle-
Vue, to-day, for the "booking" does not ensure you anY particular
seat, or indeed, any scat at all, and it may rain, in which case you
will probably not go at all.
Brussels is a charming little Paris with fine public buildings, statues,
fountains, earfs chantants, theatres, music-halls, arcades, tasty shops
full of charming little Parisian absurdities, and everything that can
make a three weeks' sojourn delightful to visitors from grimy London.
Indeed, if it were not for its immediate proximity to the field of
Waterloo, it would be unexceptionable. But Waterloo! Isn't that a
pull-back ? When you go to Brussels, have the moral courage to
resist the temptation of mounting those attractive four horse stage
coaches with the guards who wind their horns. They are gay things to
look at, but they will carry you through as desolate and dispiriting a
day as you ever spent. They will rattle you over noisy stones and
strait dusty roads to the village of Waterloo, where you will be ordered
to descend and inspect a monstrous building in which are erected
tablets to the memory of the killed at Waterloo. You will pay half-
a-franc for this privilege, and will then be taken on to the farm of the
HAYE-SAINTE on tlhe field of battle. Here you will be given in
custody to a guide, who will give you a tramp of about five miles over
ploughed and otherwise disfigured land, and who will give you in a
peculiar dialect of his own, what you presume to be an account of the
great battle; but why, why he should take the trouble to invent a.
language of his own in order to describe it to you, when he could do it
satisfactorily in his native French, is a problem which will, I suppose,
never be solved. He will make you look at a museum of Waterloo
curiosities; he will make you ascend a preposterous artificial mound
hundreds of feet high, and surmounted (goodness only knows why) by
the Belgian Lion! We all know how the braces BJelges distinguished
themselves on that memorable day, but surely they were not the
prominent feature of the action. Then you will tramp over more
ploughed land to Hougoumont, and there you will have lhe option of
paying half-a-franc to go into the chapel, or oft being abused for ai
quarter of an hour by a foul-mouthed old virago, the apparent ipoprie-
tress of the place. Then you will rejoin your coach which will break
down on the road to the village of Waterloo (at least it did with me,
and I am not heavy) where it will be repaired, and, after three hours'
jolting over the detestable road to Brussels you will be deposited at
your hotel, dusty, dispirited, and utterly disgusted. At least, 1 was.
I think that the interest of Brussels culminates in the Market Place,
which is as curiously picturesque a spot as you will find within fourt-cen
hours of London. Here the counts Egmont and Horn were beheaded
in 1558, by the detestable Alva, iand here are two statues erected to
their memory a few years ago. As a work of art they are admirable.
Stolen fruit is sweet; the cigar is never so fragrant as when sunoked
in a railway carriage in MR. DAYMAN'S district, and laco is never so
prized as when it is smuggled at enormous personal inconvenience and
considerable risk of a police-court expose. I suppose that it is to the
inherent love of doing what we ought not to do that I must attribute
a longing to visit a continental gambling place whenever I am on the
Continent. So as I am within three hours or so of Spa, to Spa I
intend to go. The pleasure of doing wrong is enormous, even when it
is tempered by the possibility of a serious punishment, but when
wrong-doing is legitimised, not to say encouraged, by an enlightened
Christian government its attractions are positively irresistible. At a
gambling watering place, the best of us become gamblers, and if there
existed such an institution as a place ait which murder passed un-
punished, the best of us would become murderers. At least I should,
but then I am a SNARLER.

50 F TJ N [OCTOBER 14, 1865.

DEAR AUNT HIrooNs,-Goodness knose what you must all of thort
not to see me before this, and if it was not for fear of giving you a
turn, I shood of called directly I come back; for back I am, thow
expected no doubts to be a mangling korse with railway wheels over
me somewhere on that beastyall line, which you never ketch me out
for one of them excurtions agin, even when I have my full Monday,
as missis won't let be offen.
You little thort when I stopped boyind to get that pocket-bottle
Ailled, that I shud go and be took to forrin parts; but such has been,
as well I know it; and threw all my suffering's over the ocean I was
wondering' what had becum of you all, as was most likely only at
Brighton sicks ours by the sea-side, with UNcLE BrLL, and me lost
and ony kep' off stericks through the skreems of the indians.
0 that orful platform! If this is your excurtain railways give me
a omlibus, or a boat with a shrimp at Gravesen' or even Grinidge.
What with the boxes and bags of lugige, an' the fine misses with there
nobs of 'air stickin' out behind like boxin'-gloves, as poor JoE that
got locked up used to get his living' by sparin' with the sportin' gents,
and the lap-dogs and poll-parrots, and great monkeys of fellers with
beards and murstarches, and the foriners all jabberin' like monkeys,
:and then the bells a-ringin' and the men in velveteen soots a-runnin'
over you with wheelbarrors, and larfin' at you for getting' in the way,
and calling' out "by yer leave" a purpose to flurry you, and so
skrunsh your toes, I thort I shood a had a fit. But presently a bell
rings like mad, an' somebody calls out, This way for the scurshun
train," an' away we all toar like mad, me carried right through in a
mob o' people, an' not even arksed for my ticket, as I had somewhere
in my ridicule, but my things almost pulled off of my back, and that
dreadful 'ot that I was thankful when I got pushed into a caridge, and
the train off before I was conscienshus. Then I found I was along
with a party of forin people: two women with only one bonnet and
the other a big cap with such gofferin as I never see, and them an'
the men talking' such rubbish as I couldn't understand, and was proud
of my own langwigo to hear sech. Not but what they was civil
enuf, for what shood they do but open a cupple of baskets, and out
with Germin sassidge, as was put into buttered rolls, and apples and
pears and plums, and all set to a-catin, as I've alwis heard them

foriners don't eat so much as us, but now I know that's gammin, though
I must say a snack was acceptable too after my flurry, and I hands
out the case-bottle, and says to one of the women, "Peraps," I says,
"you'd take a little drop of caudle." Then she smiles and says,
"Common." And I says, Not at all common, it cost me two-and-
fourpence." Then she laughs and says, "0. d. v." And I says,
" Yes, drinkey some, vooley vu," becos I'd picked up a word or two
of French from Miss EMLY, and then they all laughs and passes the
bottle round.
Well, when the train stops, and, oh! them tunnels and me with
foriners, as nobody knows what they might be, the men calls out,
"This way to the boat," and off we all sets running and I thinks,
"Well, I shall see 'em on board at all events," meaning of corse, all
of you. My how that there boat did go up and down. I tumbled
down a ladder somewhere into a cabin, where them foriners was that
bad as set me off, and there I was till we stopt at some great stone
thing as they call a pier, and then I says to myself, I'll go ashore and
wait till they comes out." But, low and beyold you, the feller asks
me for my ticket, and I says, I've no ticket but this," and gives it
him. "Why," he says, "this is for Brighton." "Well, this is
Brighton," I says, "ain't it ?" And he says, No, but it was Callis."
And I says, Well, an' where is that ?" And he says, Why, France."
And then I sinks down on a stone as they wind the ropes round,
and has a good cry, and a lot of foriners comes round arguin, and
one of 'em says, "I spit English," he says; "you baggidge."
And I was that worked up that he had a long nose, an' I up, an'
though he hadn't hair of no length to speak of, I clawed on to his
nose as made him 'owl I warrants.
"Now," I says, "you'll learn to call your names to a Britain, as,"
I says, "never will be slaves, though a survint of all work."
And two soldiers with drawed muscats come, and was takin' me
away when who should I see but ANN POLLICK, as lives next door
nussmaid, and had come with her master and missis for a tower in the
same boat, which as it was to go back at night, they takes a birth
for me, and makes it all right with the military. The' stooward he
was that attentive that he's coming' to call on me "for my next
holiday, though it won't be to Callis I can promise you. I am, dear
aunt, Yore affectionate kneese,
A. M. Sims.
P.S.-His name is TWIVERs, Cristian name HENERY.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at
80, Fleet-street, E.G.-October 14, 1865.

OcToBaE 21, 1865.]



IE upon your EDWARD GIrBONs, tearing coolly into ribbons
Just the very reputation we of Christendom uphold!
What! Was Britain's benefactor but an army sub-contractor ?
This decline and fall were greater than the Roman twentyfold.
'C, an we see the saintly martyr, who is patron of the Garter,
Selling porkin Cappadocia near two thousand years ago ?
No, this gammon of the bacon is a thing there's some mistake on
2 (We have read the Seven Champions, and we surely ought to know).
SI have stood like Ht. TENNYSON-at Coventry, not Vonico-on
A bridge that was a railway bridge and not a bridge of sighs;
And a legend of that city I have shaped into a ditty
Smacking forcibly of Patmore (as the "Coventry" implies).

:For our champion was a native of that city, and was dative
Of a large amount of trouble to his excellent mamma;
But I cannot tell you her name, nor the Christian, nor the surname
Of the nobleman saluted by our hero as "papa l"

Then I hear he was confided to one Kalyb, who resided
In a cavern-an enchantress with an unenchanting face ;
And six noble knights-how tragic!-having yielded to her magic,
Had been "taken in and done for" at that melancholy place.

Good Saint George released the others, and they formed a band of brothers
And set out upon their travels, which were slightly undefined;
And they reached the Seven Dials, where they all began their trials,
Seeking separate adventures of the military kind.

But our hero's share of glory-if we listen to the story-
Was immeasurably greater than the shares of all the rest;
And his havoc on the gizzards of a heap of wicked wizards
Can be very much more easily imagined than expressed.

( And the rescuing from slaughter of King Ptolemy's fair daughter
Was a thing to be remembered by the young and by the old;
uAnd I wish I had some guineas (what a curse this want of tin is !),
For they represent the dragon and his vanquisher in gold.
Then that beautiful young lady, whose complexion might be shady,
But whose conduct was as laudable as anything could bo,
Ran away and left her father-who was vext about it rather-
And rewarded her preserver by becoming Lady G.

Off to Coventry he took her, but he very soon forsook her,
For the spirit of adventure came upon him once again.
But he left a wicked friend there (just the person 1 should send there),
Who made love with all his might to her, while George was on the main.
Lady G. soon put a stopper on such goings-on improper,
For she killed the wicked Baron, which was plucky, you'll agree;
And Saint George, who hurried over from his travels vid Dover,
Was delighted with her conduct-and went off again to sea !

But no Englishmen are strangers to his doings and his dangers,
To the giants that he conquered and the hardships that he boro;
And those fights that were incessant of the Cross against the Crescent
Are as true to any schoolboy as that two and two are four.

Shall we let our hero dwindle through this Cappadocian swindle,
And regard our Seven Champions as a story one could forge P
n No; if people in their folly swear by Jingo and by Golly,
There is quite enough to swear by in our great and good Saint George.

COLONEL FANE, M.P., has been distinguishing himself. In a speech
which he made at the anniversary of the Beneficent Society, at Ports-
mouth, the following delightful sentences occur, with reference to a
recent military murder:-
They had all heard of the plea of insanity. Now, he thought if a man were
insane the sooner he was hung the better."
He subsequently modified the statement by saying,
"He hoped they did not think he meant that all insane people should be hung,
as there were few persons who 'aint' insane upon some point or the other. Perhaps
he was insane upon some point."
In the report before us a "Hear!" follows this last remark. But

VOL. 11.

those who thus assured the worthy Colonel that he was right were
wrong. To be insane, a man must have had sense to lose, and it is
hard to suppose that any one who could talk in this way on a subject
so painful as insanity had ever possessed much of that.

Yours as you Hughes Me !"
AR. THOMAS HUGHES has been doing good service down at Sheffield
by his plucky denunciation of Trade-outrages. Should he continue in
this path, the honourable Member for Lambeth will soon be known in
the House of Commons and elsewhere as MA. THOMAs HUGHESI'UL !

THE CHILD OF THE SUN.-Why a grandson, of course!



[OCTOBER 21, -1865.


OME day or other we
shall have to serve the
L police as the Sultan
TMahmoud did the Janis-
sarics-if some popular
outbreak does not clear
them off before that
period. I saw a bit of
tyranny the other day
that made my blood boil.
A coaster of about sixteen
''l with his barrow of
-- _- T II ........'' i .Sgrapes was being taken
||'"t \ W to the station. Luckily
--_ the popular sympathy
was enlisted in his fa-
v your, and he contrived
to escape by the aid of
itt- the crowd, but the bar-
row and scales and the
grapes on which the
poor lad had expended
7__- -- his whole capital were
V I-.i 2-- rf-- ^ confiscated to the grim
t _.^ ^--- \ "-" satisfaction, no doubt, of
JT,. --t-I.-Q.".._. A 32-. And what, do
you think, was the crime
he had committed He had boon obstructing the thoroughfare"-that
is to say, he had stopped his little barrow for a minute or two to sell
some grapes, and had taken up half the room which Lord Tomnoddy's
cabriolet might have occupied undisturbed for hours, and from which
even the Hansom of a humble individual like the Saunterer would
hardly have been ordered off. This poor fellow was striving to get
an honest living, and must have worked hard to scrape together
enough to set up with the stock he had, and he loses it all at one blow.
A week hence he may be brought up for picking pockets, and the
magistrate would be shocked at such depravity in so young a man.
But there is little choice for the poor fellow beyond that. Even
supposing, as I am told was the case, he, avoiding a night in
the lock-up by his flight, appeared at the Police Court next day, he
would be fined far more than he would have made in the way of
profit on his stock-a perishable stock, too-of which, however,
he was deprived for twenty-four hours at least. Such a loss is to
so small a trader something very like absolute ruin. Will some
of the statistical gentlemen who prose at the Social Science Congresses
tell us how many thieves are annually manmfaetured in this way by th/
police ? Social Science, indeed! What good comes of all this cackle
of pedants and these excursions of wiseacres ? Here is a wrong which
one can see is a wrong without any social scientific knowledge, and
not a finger has been raised to remedy it, and it will go on- for years
and years as it is. Until it is remedied what answer is there to the
old complaint that the law is framed for the rich and not for
the poor?
TALKING of law, what a charming muddle the law of licenses is! A
body of unpaid magistrates (we all know the amount of intelligence
and legal knowledge that represents) meet annually to make the
British statute book as ludicrous as possible, by decisions of the most
absurdly opposite character. To take one instance out of the batch of
stupid decisions :-The proprietor of the Oxford was refused a dancing
license because one of the Bench believed he wanted to turn the hall
into a casino. They might as well have prohibited the use of knives
in the supper room for fear he should cut his throat, or issue an
injunction forbidding a man to take his money out of a safe invest-
ment that returns a good interest to fling it into a losing speculation.
I suppose the Middlesex magistrate does not go to music halls-I do, as
behoves a Saunterer, who wishes to see how, when, and where the public
goes to amuse itself, and I can bear testimony, not only to the manner
in which the Oxford is conducted, but to the fact that its operatic
selections are excellent, and what is more, thoroughly appreciated by
the audiences. To have taught people to appreciate music like OFPEN-
IIACU's operas is to have improved the public taste-but that apparently
is a thing not to be encouraged in the opinion of the Middlesex
BLAvo MR. TsHOM.As HUGHiES Your speech to the Sheffield men is
just the sort of thing the British workman wants. A mutual under-
.standing will result from it, which would never come of the flattery
some other gentlemen (I won't mention names) thought it wise to talk.
But I hope you won't rest content with the slurry way in which the
Social Science folk, who like to keep all the talk to themselves,
listened to the reply of the workmen.

PEOPLE are beginning to look out for Christmas books about this
time, and some few announcements have been made. One of the best,
to my thinking, will be DALZIEL'S Roued of Days, illustrated hy the
first artists, and with such names as RoBERT BUCHANAN, GKoioGE
tributors. Another capital book will be The Ha tel t-'l'hroweer,, by the
author of The Little ... .... ." with illustrations by H. GisE'r, the
French artist, whose .caricatures and pictures of animals have dawn a
good many knowing ones" in art to Bear-street, Leicester-square.
A MOST interesting collection of all DoaE's illustrations has been on
view to the privileged at MEslas. CASSELL, PETTBR, AND GALI'INS for
the last few days. Such a treat is not often to be had. The fertility
and force of the genius of this one man-and he not thirty-are mar-
vellous. We are to have English editions of all his works shortly,
when the public will be able to judge for themselves.

SINCE men who must work, and men who must think,
Will always be wanting a something to drink,
Why, the best of all liquor their spirits-to cheer
Is a four-penny bottle of Ginger-beer!
Sing Ginger-beer,
You never need fear
A headache per gallon from Ginger-beer!
Sing Ginger-beer,
Foaming and clear,
It's capital tipple, is Ginger-beer!
With my favourite liquor some critics find fault,
Preferring the essence of hops and of malt:
But when morning arrives, and the head feels .queer,
They wish -they had stuck to my Ginger-beer'!
Sing popular Pop !
Come to the shop !
Of Ginger, this year, there's a capital crop!
Sing popular Pop 1!
Taste but a drop,
And you'll scarcely be able to tell when to stqp!
When, fizzing and foaming, the drink comes out,
It's prettier far than your creamy stout;
With a delicate flavour for delicate tongues,
And warranted not to affect the lungs.
Sing Ginger-beer!
Its appropriate sphere
Is the hut of the peasant, the hall of the peerl!
Sing Ginger-beer!
I greatly revere
The gifted inventor of Ginger-beer!
The.Isle of Jamaica is dear to some
For the sake of its filthy, fiery Rum ;
But the Isle of Jamaica is dearer to me
As the favourite home of the Ginger Tree!
Sing popular Pop!
Tea's but a slop!
Worthy, at best, of a Damo Mala-prop!
Sing popular Pop!
Come to my shop!
It's a drink for a King-or a British Bish-op!

J. P. Y., Glasgow.-You feel wronged because we don't write. As
we have more letters than the alphabet every day of our life, we should
never succeed if we tried to answer. If your contributions do
not appear you may take it for granted they have not been accepted.
If we attempted to write to all, whose contributions are declined, our
reasons for declining them, we should cease to be an editor and become
a Censor-or even a Nonsense-or.
F. R. G., Hastings.-" Can we do with some Seaside Sketches' in
FuN ?' If the seaside's catches be red mullet or fresh mackerel you
may send them up. You have dropt us a line-you should have for-
warded a sample.
A LADY who wishes to know what subject has been fixed on for the
prize illumination at Mortimer House, should apply to Massus.
FULLER for fuller information.
A. L., Notting Hill.-We accept contributions-provided they are
original and good-from all sources. If we can got an inch of fun
from him, we should take A. L.

OCTOBER 21, 1865.] F U N. 53

THE Haymarket opened on the 9th, with the School for Scandal, as
a comedy theatre should; and Astley's 'opened on the 9th with a very
bad drama, as a Hippodramatic Spectacular Theatre should not. It is
possible that the manager of the Haymarket may experience some
difficulty in finding good new comedies, but surely even in these de-
generate days (for it seems to be an understood thing that whatever is
is degenerate), a better drama could be found than The Child of the
Sun. With scenery, costumes, ballet, gunpowder, lime-light, actors,
actresses, and auxiliaries, all good enough, thepiece wasas bad as a bad
piece could be. This is inexcusable laches on the part of Mn. JOHN
BROUGHAM, who is a very clever author and adapter. It is impossible
to say anything of the new drama, except that Miss ADAH ISAACS
MENKEN appears in it, that she wears several very becoming costumes
-pardon our saying that the Child of the Sun is arrayed after a fashion
worthy, of her luminous paternity, and displays considerable statuesque
grace. It should be understood that the MENKEN" is clothed, and
clothed considerably, and looks very handsome and gallant. She fires
a real gun, and rides areal horse, and that is all that we can remember
of the drama. Is there no playwright to be found to measure and fit
the 3MENKEN with a character ? There were clever schoolboys forty
years ago, who would have taken a pleasure in the task. Where is
MR. EDWARD FITZEALL ? Why reposes he beneath the shade of his
past glories-(a lovely image that) ? Shall not'he who erst provoked
thunders of applause by his "Jonathan Bradford," his "Floating
Beacon," and his "Incheape Bell," again try the mettle of his pen
against these modern recreants. "By'r Lady of Saint Anywhere!"
"By the mass!" "By the mouldering bones of my unburied father!"
"False caitiff!" Heartless miscreant!" "Villanous mur-
der-r-rer! &c., &c., &c., but he shall, and when he doth may-marry
"ifaith; ifackins! and ifegs !-we be there to see !
- Some nights ago there was a sort of scene" or discussion" at the
Princess's Theatre, and as we hear, for we were not present, an argu-
ment between the manager on the stage and a theatrical critic in the
stalls. As to how far realism, that is, the reproduction of actual things
upon the stage, may be permissible, it may be as well that FUN should
speak and set the question at rest.
We will premise,. as the following is to be considered a decision,
and not the opening of a controversy, that we shall say nothing of
It is Never too Late to Mend, but we will take as a parallel case the
drama of Uncle Tom's Cabin, founded on Mus. BEECHER STOWE'S novel
of Uncle Tom's Cabin, the incidents of which were sensational, realistic,
and terrible. Well, then, the flight of Eliza Harris, with her child,
across the ice, pursued by slaveowners and their dogs, was a per-
fectly legitimate melodramatic combination of moral and physical
terror. But had the ingenious dramatist or the spirited manager ex-
hibited Eliza or her child, or both, torn down by the dogs, in view of
the spectators, they would have exceeded the limits of good taste.
Again, that Logree should order Uncle Tom or Cassy to receive a
hundred thousand lashes, and 'that they should be dragged off to
punishment by twenty brutal overseers, would be right enough, but if
either of the dusky victims were dragged up and flogged in sight of
the audience, or if Cassy died from the punishment, or Uncle Tom
exhibited his lacerated back, the ladies in the audience could not be
accused df affectation if they fainted, nor the men if they turned sick,
nor the whole body of spectators if they hissed with forty thousand
Michaelmas goose-power. While upon the bench, FUN will also decide
as to the deportment of a newspaper critic when on duty in his stall
or box. He, the critic, may applaud, but only when some rare or
subtle stroke of the actor's genius, some delicate shade likely to pass
unheeded by the general s spectators, is shown. But he may not his,
for he should act up to his judicial character, and be reticent of his
opinion. But there are limits to human enduranceeven the critic of
a newspaper is a man-and if any person should dare to place upon
the stage, for the mere greed of gain, a sensation" scene in the
likeness of the ward of a hospital, and simulate the operation of am-
putating the leg of the hero, or the arm of the heroine with real
bandages, real tourniquets, real unguents, real saws, real needles, real
arteries, and real blood, and the rest of the sickening apparatus, then
the newspaper critic would be dans son droit to rise and hiss loudly, and
it is to be hoped that he would be aided by audiences whose length of
suffering is as extraordinary as is their patience.
It soems as strange to have to mention these remarkable facts as to
inform our readers that the sum of two and two are four, but we live
in strange times. Theatres now-a-days are temples of bad taste. The
question often occurs to us, "WVhat is the use of a licenser of plays P ?"
Is he a man who never censures, or a myth altogether, the Mrs.
Harris of the Lord Chamberlain's office? As it is he seems to be a
warning voice that never warns, a bailiff who never makes a capture,
a beadle who is fast asleep while impudent boys play pitch and toss
upon the tombstones beneath his very nose ?

"Up rose the sun, and up rose EMILut! if you will excuse my
quoting CHAUCER, an obsolete poet of his period, but a great favourite
with the old man, on Monday, the Ninth of October, "EMI.uE" being
really MARY JANE, who is within my gates, and came to give your
Prophet a call. The Prophet hastily attired himself, and thought of
the Cmesarewitch on the morrow' He heard the song of Chanticleer,
such being more of a Cochin tendency than pastoral, and he said, if
MR. BYRON will excuse the liberty, Oh, Shant-I-cloar a lot of
money! "
But what I was most anxious to see, Mr. Editor, was the Extra
Number of your New Serious containing my prediction; for although
used to seeing himself in print, your Sportive Editor still feels a little
nervous on the eve of a great race.
Sir, that number was nowhere to be found! Many is the place your
old man entered, and many is the glass of sherry-wine that he partook;
but the Extra Number was all his eye, and well you know it never
saw the light of day.
Did not prudential considerations prevent, I should say that this
was something very like a gross breach of faith with an old and de-
servedly-esteemed contributor," which you once called him in your
own handwriting, deny it if you- can; but in justice to my own
reputation as a Vaticinator, I feel bound to copy out, from the slate
where I always do them first, not wiping out until Wednesdays, what
I had sent you as my tip. Print it, Sir, as it was wrote, every line
and every letter, or you will be doing the old man a wrong:-
"The obsolete winner of the Seizerwitch, it will be Salpinctes, with
Alleybamma, for the second, and John Davis for the third, whilst if I
apprehend, unexpected danger from any other quarter such will be
found in Gratitude."
There, Sir! Now your sportive readers can judge for themselves
whether NIxHOLAS is worth his prophetic salt. I say, print it as it
was sent -I know as well as you do, or any of the other contributors,
than whom I am sure none of them have been treated worse, though
perhaps a little gay-that the actual result was
Salpinctes .. .. .. .. .. 1
Gratitude .. .. .. .. .. 2
John Davis.. .. .. .. .. .. 3
and that Alabama selected by him for second was nowhere; but I
scorn to appear wise after the event, and I am quite content to rest
upon my own laurel-bush, figuratively speaking.
Still, despite of your leaving me in'the lurch, what is the old man's
actual position ? Why it is, oh yo Sportive men of England, that he
named the winner, and stuck to him all along, as was the caseo with
Gladiateur before him.
Turn, Mr. Editor, to the file of your Now Serious in tho back-
office, than which I am sure a more palatial department, though a
little secluded.
The first time that NicnoLAs made any allusion whatever to the
Coesarewitch was in Number Twenty-one, and there, Sir, on page 38,
Second Volume, New Serious, on the Eighth line of his contribution
from the top, you will find it put down:-
Make all square with Salpinctes!"
Next turn to Number Twenty-two, page 43, not very far down in
the column neither. After playfully remarking, with that dry humour
which has deservedly gained him the admiration of every true Sportive
man throughout an Empire on which the sun never sits, "And so, my
merry men all, under which thimble is the little pea?" tihe Prophet
proceeds to name the horses accordingly. And which is the first horse
that he does name ?
Such facts as these, Sir, speak trumpet-tongued, as mentioned already
in one of the Numbers, nor can his pinnacle be shaken by all the shafts
of the individuous, bar none.
In my next I will discuss the Cambridgeshire, which is to come off
on the Twenty-four Instant. Remember the old man's success.
P.S.-I have a good thing for next year's Derby.
(Our Prophet's quotations are quite correct; but the prophecy to
which he refers never reached us.-ED.)

The Last Thing in Luoifer Matches.
THERE is an ingenious safety match, now in general use, which will
light only on the box, and not always on that. We hear that it is to
be superseded by a now invention which will not light at all. The
latter is especially intended for the use of nurseries, powder magazines
and asylums.

54 F j N [OCTOBER 21, 1865.

_______ XL >ui-- ~.~ ___ _______ ~ if ~-
II ~ \~;.: E'~t1z22zz2r9~~/
r~ ~ .111 4' t
!t~I iI
liii IL


MY DEAR MR. WHINING,-As a general rule I leave the discussion
of theatrical topics to the accomplished and spiritual young gentle-
man who writes From our Stall," and whose freedom of speech and
habit of telling the truth, have, I doubt not, endeared him to every
managerial bosom, especially your own.
But I am myself a patron of the drama, and I have to say a word to
you on certain theories which you appear to entertain.
You have just produced a bad and tedious play, written by a man of
real genius, and you pique yourself upon the intense "realism" of the
scenery and accessories. You may be ready to admit that the piece is
wanting in dramatic interest and unity, in force, compression, in-
telligibility, but you proudly cling to your real pump," and you fancy
that you can wipe away all the blots of the play with your "real
I don't think, sir, that in the course of a tolerably long experience,
I have ever met with a theory more degrading to the drama, or to
yourself as one of its cleverest exponents on the stage.
The truth is, MA. WHINING, that your doctrine is akin to that held
by the worst of the sham Pre-Raphaelites. You think that realism"
in unimportant details atones for want of thought and want of central
interest. You would give us a false notion of a forest, for instance,
by presenting us with the photograph of an acorn.
And just as the sham Pre-Raphaelites go in for physical ugliness, so
do I find you defending what is morally repulsive. I like golden hair
in a girl, but there is a difference between the colour which GioeGIONEs
loved and carrots. I like passion and excitement, but I would rather
not see a gang of convicts on the treadmill.
Assuming, however, that for all this the author is mainly responsible,
in which case I transfer the blame from your shoulders to his, and we
all know with what splendid vigour he can exemplify the noble art of
self-defence, I have still something to say on a matter of politeness
which happens to be a matter of business as well.

When your piece was hissed, you turned upon certain professional
critics in the stalls, and told them that the only opposition came from
"those who didn't pay."
Whether this was or was not ungentlemanly, is a point which I will
not now pause to discuss with you, but surely, my dear sir, it was a
little imprudent.
There are a few questions which it is my melancholy duty to address
to you.
Do you imagine that those gentlemen come to your theatre for their
own enjoyment, or, that they expect to be amused ? My dear sir, you
can hardly fancy that.
Do you give them a free admission simply because they are clever
men, and you are passionately attached to their society even with the
footlights between you ? My dear sir, you will hardly expect us to
believe that.
Or, do you ask them simply because it pays you ? Because they are
much more necessary to you than you are to them ? And because, as
a mere matter of business and to put the thing quite plainly, you
must ? Is it not so, my dear Mn. WHINING ? Come, be candid.
Having done so, sir, I submit that you have no right to insult them
because, forsooth, they don't pay.
In another sense of the word, sir, they do !
There are gradations in everything; I have spoken to you with
considerable freedom, but I wouldn't for a moment think of
holding you responsible for some of the nonsense that is talked on
your behalf.
Take, for instance, a letter published by an evening contemporary
of mine, dated Civil Service Club," and signed B. V.
The writer is good enough to say that when gentlemen of the press
"find their way into the stalls," they must be taught "how to conduct
By whom ?
I am a gentleman of the press myself, and I decline to accept this
person as my Social Mentor, my guide, philosopher, and friend."
And, as for the critics, you know, MR. WHINING, though I daresay B.

]F 'U N.-OCTOBER 21, 1865.

Obstructive :-" HOOT AWA, MON 1 DINNA



OCTOBER 21, 1865.]


V. does not, that they happen to be men of established reputation, men
of ripe culture, acknowledged honour and ability.
I am not a member of the Civil Service Club, though I have a good
many valued friends in the profession, and I don't exactly know where
it "draws the line," but really I can hardly believe that any one much
above the grade of a tide-waiter would have penned the Blatant Vul-
garity that is signed B. V.
Hoping to see you ere long in another and a better piece, I remain,
my dear Mo. WHININGe
Your sincere admirer,

You may well say I must be glad to be home again. I'm sure I
never should have come down only BROWN worreted so, and said as
the sea air 'd freshen me up a bit, as is good for every one; not as I
wanted it, for home is my natural elephant as I likes to stop in.
But we come by the boat all regular from Blackwall pier, as is a
noble sight them docks, as puzzles me, for however they gets them
wessels in is a wonder, and as to getting them out I should say it
must be done piecemeal, as the sayin' is. And lovely weather, the'
the sun was sweltry, and looked to me as if it was a-drawin' up rain,
as is its nature, and I must say as it were very agreeable, and met a
many parties, as made theirselves that pleasant till overtook by the
waves, as gives a dreadful qualm.
Just about the Nore is where you first feels it, not as I suffered any-
thing to speak on, as I owes to takin' nothing' but a few sandwiches
and a little cold without, constant; but them parties as dined hearty
on sucking pig, and biled mutton with caper's sauce, and damson pie,
was upset dreadful, which bottle porter will do, as it stands to reason
must set everything of a work thro' being' a constant fomentation
Certainiy that oshun wave is wonderful a-dashin' up like soap-suds
as I stood and watched myself that very evening' as we arrived in the
moonlight, as was crowded to suffocation, and if Mtas. YARDLEY hadn't
got us a bed we might have been reduced to bathing-machines, not as
I can say much for the bed, as were a tent, and rickety with the
sackin' a-givin' way as soon as I was in, and BnowN forced for to
draw it up afore ever we could get a night's rest; but I was thankful
as it wasn't no wuss, for I've had bed-fellows as wouldn't let me rest,
as I do think would find me out anywhere, as is my horrors of them
lodgin's, for you'll never make me believe as they're not to be got
rid rid on thro' strict cleanliness, as is not to be looked for in a sea-
side lodgin'.
But if there wasn't one insect there was another, for the gnats, or
something had took to my right eye and regular bunged it up, as
wasn't no pain, but a dreadful eyesore.
Certainly I did enjoy my breakfast, as was relishin' thro' the
shrimps, and MRs. YARDLEY one as knows good livin'. But of all
the things as ever I did see in my life it was the bathin', as is the
grand sight of the morning it give me that turn as I was obligated for
to set down, and couldn't keep my eyes off for wondering' at 'em.
However such things is tolerated in a Cristian country I don't
know, as reminded me of a picter I've seen of them savages
a-runnin' into the water for to murder CAPTAIN COOK, as hadn't no
business there in my opinion; but to see full-grown Englishmen
a-forgettin' of all decency is a thing as I don't hold with.
I says, BuowN, you don't mean to tell me as it's right and proper."
He says as he supposes as parties likes it, or else they wouldn't be
a-settin' there a-lookin' on.
I says, "Likes it, indeed, then, they did ought to be ashamed of
theirselves, and you may talk to me about missionaries to savages, it's
a pity as they don't come here, not a ds with their rubbish; but
if I'd my way I'd just send out the police in a boat with some good
stout cart whips, and soon make them counter-skippers jump into their
clothes like disgustin' beasts as they are.
But, law bless you, I do believe as there's something' in the sea air
as makes parties forget theirselves wonderful, for they all lives with
the winders open, and not a bit of blind, as may be all very well on
a uninhabitable island, as Margate used to be, as I went to see the
caverns as they hid theirselves in, as struck that cold to me that I was
glad to get out on, and have a little something' hot for to take off
the chill.
It certainly is wonderful to see the crowds as is on that pier, just
for all the world like cattle in a pen, and flaunty-lookin' gals that
bold in their hats, and their hair all dishevelled thro' hangin' out to
dry after bathin', and a parcel of young chaps a-danglin' after 'em, as
is a gigglin' set of idjots as don't suit me.
So MRs. YARDLEY and me was a-settin' on the end, a-waitin' for
the boat as come in there, as YARDLEY were expected by, and there
was a elderly party as had got a tellyscope, as he was a-making very
free with.

* He says to me quite civil, It's very wonderful." I says, Oh,
indeed! not a-knowin' what he was a-talkin' about.
He says, "They must be millions of miles in size." I says, "It
can't be," a-thinkin' he was a-talkin' about the Goodwin Sands, as
I've heard say was swallered up in a single night, and is quicksands
to this very hour.
He says, It's my opinion as we must hear more about 'em."
Well, I was a-beginnin' to think is he was pr'aps a 'armless mum-
becile, when he says to me, "Would you like to have a look ?"
What at ?" says I. "Why," says lihe, the spots in the sun, as
my glass shows quite plain."
So I says, With pleasure," and lie holds the glass for me, as I
never could see thro' in my life; but just for to ploase him 1 says
"Wonderful," as makes him'laugh, and lhe says, "That's a good un.
Why you've got both your eyes shut."
Well," I says, "ain'tthat the way for to look thro' them 'things f"
Well, he took ever so much trouble, but law, I couldn't .eeo nothing
but every now and then a round flash as came over the glass all black
in the middle.
MUs. YAnDanLy, as has had a boardin'-school dedication, she saw it
all wonderful, and talked to the old gentleman, as was a obimrvatolry
like the one in Greenwich Puark, as I've euon them old pensioners
a-showin' myself. But law, I don't hold with any of their rubbish
about the sun, nor the moon neither, as they goes a-watchin' thro'
them glasses, but can't get near, nor find out nothing' about.
As to that old gentleman a-standin' me out as he know'd them spots
to be holes as was thousands o' miles long. I says, "Go on with
your rubbish, however can you measure 'emn" .as said it was a
burnin' mask, as I knowed afore hoe told me, as any one can fooel for
So jest then the boat come in, and there was YARini.rLY, as is good
company, and one to live, a-bringin' down nice things and all manner,
not as there is no lack of nothing' in Margate, and ia pleasant toe we
had, and went arterwards to the Assembly Rooms, where I've heard
my dear mother say the fust in the land did use to dance, as come
down regular in the boys, as was boats afore steam was know'd about,
and couldn't bring them numbers as comes a-rushin' in like 'the'waves,
as thesayin' is.
Certainly they did dance delightful tho' crowded, not as I cared
much about it, for parties came a-gallopin' about the place, and give
me such drives as throwed me down on0 to the laps of them as had got
seats as I was a dropping' for, and made them rude in their remarks,
a-sayin' "fall easy," and like that, and two parties seemed for to
follow me up like a-bumpin' agin me, till at last I watches 'eim
a-comin', and give 'em a shove as sent 'cin over.
Well, there was a pretty how d'yo do. "Up conic a chap as called
hisself master of the ceremonies a-talkin' to ame.
So I says, I don't want none of ceremonies, as I ain't one for to
stand on none ; but," I says, "if parties makes too free with me they
know what they'll get, that's all."
Just then YARDLEY he come up and says, You and mo'll have a
a dance together," and afore as I could hardly think if he wasn't,
a-jumpin' me round the waist, as made parties roar, and 1 was that
put out, but law, YARDLEY is such a one with his larks as you can t
be angry, and didn't go too far, as is the way with some, but only
just to the refreshments, where he got me a tumbler of hot port wine
negus with lemon and nutmeg, as did me a world of good. Then we
went home to supper, as is a meal I always look to, and as to the sea
air why you can be catin' for ever and not feel it, as must be ruin to a
family as I should say.
As to sleeping' I was no sooner in bed than asleep, and certainly no
wonder parties like the sea-side, for it is a life, as the only pity is it
can't last for ever, as p'raps we shouldn't enjoy it as much if it did,
tho' for my part I likes to enjoy myself, and none of grizzlin' and
grieving' for me, as'll bring you to your grave afore your time; but
for my part I do think, if' it's ever so humble there's no place like
home, as the sayin' is.

(Fromi the Sanskrit.)
WHAT two classes of paupers are best known in the Indies ?
The East Indy-gent and the West Indy-gent.

A Pun from the Persian.
"HAVE you seen my translation of Jfuflz ? asked a well-known
Anglo-Indian poet, the other day at the Oriental Club. "My friends
tell me that it will share the fame of the original, which must for the
future be considered leaftz and half mine."

No ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON BUs-INEss.-What "bus has found
room for the greatest number of people ?-CCoLuM-RUS.




LOCTOBER 21, 1865.


MY dear To-monRow-I can think
Of little else to do,
And so I take my pen and ink
To drop a line to you.
To-ORRnow dear, I'm ill at ease
Concerning you to-day;
So let me have an answer, please-
eipondez, s'il vous plait I

I long to like you very much;
But then it will depend
On.whether you behave as such"-
(I mean, dear, as a friend).
To make me happy is a task
So easy to obey;
But will you bring me what I ask ?
Itposndez, s'il vous plait!
I hope you'll recollect your purse;
For be it understood
That matters-though they might be worse-
Are very far from good.
And, if you have a little gold
You care to throw away,
Why then-but am I over bold ?
ReIpondez, s'il vous plait !
A little-just a little-fame
You might contrive to bring
(I rather think a poet's name
Would be a pleasant thing).
And yet, perhaps, as I have got
No mortal claim to lay
To such a gift, you'd rather not ?
Repoendz, s'il vous plait !

Well, dear To-sionRow, you may strike
A line through the above,
And bring me folks that I can like
And folks that I can love.
A warmer heart-a quicker brain-
I'll ask for, if I may:
To-MORRnow, shall I ask in vain ?
jRipondez, s'il vous plait!

ACTUATED by that laudable anxiety to know all about everything,
that has invariably characterized the promoters of the New Series, we
despatched a reporter to Sheffield, who had bound himself by a
frightful oath to give us an accurate account of the impressions which
he received from the proceedings of the Social Science Congress at
that melancholy town.
Our reporter, who is a careful man, with a large family, had already
spent a day at Sheffield, on the occasion of the burying of an aged
aunt, some four or five years since, so he knew enough of the hypo-
chondriacal influence which that dismal town exercises over a casual
visitor to induce him to leave all his razors at home. He has since
had reason to congratulate himself on his foresight.
He went to Sheffield with an extremely vague and sketchy notion of
what Social Science really was, but he has returned with the firm con-
viction that Social Science (as understood at Sheffield) is only another
term for general impracticability.
He attended many meetings, at which many important questions
were raised, discussed and finally disposed of with an inconsiderate
dispatch which made our reporter tremble for the future of Things in
General if many Social Science Congregators ever got into the House
of Commons. However, he was pleased to find that no consequences
of any kind ensued.
He was hurried about the dingy streets of that dingy town, from
meeting-place to meeting-place, to hear A declare that the Masses
should be Educated, to hear B declare that the Alasses should not be
Educated, and to hear the rest of the alphabet determine whether A or
B was right in his views. And when that was settled there was an
end of it, and A and B and C, down to Z, fell a-complimenting each
This is a general view of the features of every meeting at which our
reporter was present. They settled matters in their own way in a

great hurry, that more time might be left for making mutual admira-
tion speeches. And our Reporter assures us that he never heard so
many complimentary superlatives at one time, as he did on the occa-
sion of LoaR BROUGHAM's addressing a theatre full of Social Science
noodles on Things in General, at Sheffield.
He was pained to see LORD BROUGHAM put forward to take the chair
on this occasion. LORD BROUGHAM is a nobleman who has done good
service to his country, and has done it well. He has earned his repose,
for he is eighty-seven years of age. He is a hale man for eighty-
seven, but no man of that age is qualified to address a crowded theatre
from the stage, for half an hour at a time. As it was, not a third of
the audience heard a third of what he had to say.
Our Reporter noticed that such insignificant details of ;Social
Science, as attention to convenience of seats, suitability of lecture-
rooms, convenience of access to them, proper space for the accom-
modation of two thousand visitors or so, and arrangements for the
adequate supply of refreshments were totally beneath the notice of the
promoters of the Congress. He noticed that discussions on various
topics took place in different parts of the town, at the same time, and
that one elderly (but obliging) waiter appeared to have the entire
burthen of the refreshment department on his mind.
He was pleased with the courtesy exhibited by the principal manu-
facturers of Sheffield in throwing open their workshops to the inspection
of the visitors. He was especially pleased with the gentlemanly
treatment he experienced at the hands of the managers of BESSEMER'S
steel manufactory, and NATLOR, VICKERS and COMPANY'S rolling mills.
But he must be permitted to take exception to the behaviour of
MESSRS. RODGERS, the cutlers, who availed themselves of the presence
of the Social Science Congress at Sheffield to entice strangers into their
warehouses under the pretence of explaining their manufacturing
process to them, and then dun them to purchase any article the
visitors happened to admire. Our reporter, in his guileless innocence,
entered the warehouse of MESSRS. RODGERS, under the impression that


he would be treated as a visitor, but before he had been five minutes
within their walls, he was so importuned to purchase scissors, fish-
slices, plate-baskets, salt cellars, and many-bladed knives, that he was
only too happy to avail himself of the shopman's back being turned,
to rush out of the establishment.:
In conclusion our reporter cannot imagine why the Social Science
Congress selected such a queer town as Sheffield, as a fit and proper
meeting place. It is, he imagines, the town in England, which of all
others, is the least adapted to such a purpose. It has no largo meeting
hall, it has no lecture-room, the places of meeting are scattered over
the town at long distances from each other, the town is filthily dirty,
and, beyond its manufacturing triumphs, does not offer a single feature
of interest to the visitor. But the fixing on Sheffield as a place of
reunion is on a par with the general impracticability which seems to
characterise everything that the Social Science Congregators take in

MR. READE, you've written stories
By the dozen-and your best
Goes to prove, A.d bonos mores
Via scra nunquam est."
Well, there may be something in it,
But I venture to contend
That there always comes a minute
When it is too late to mend!
For I sent a pair of highlows
To their maker in the Strand
(Not a step from MR. MILO'S
Where I purchase Maryland);
He returned them-it's a fact, sir!-
With a note obscurely penn'd,
Saying, Upper leather's crack'd, sir,
And it is too late to mend! "
I have watched the colours dying
In the cheeks that I have kissed;
When the eyes once bright were trying
To dispel the growing mist.
I have known, in my affliction,
All the signs which make us bend
To that desolate conviction,
That it is too late to mend.
So I wonder you can cherish
That opinion, MB. READE,
While your fellow-creatures perish
And your melodrames are d-d.
When a vulgar play arouses
Only hisses at the end,
And is played to "paper" houses--
Why, it is too late to mend!

3rd October, 1865.
EDITOR,-I am at Spa. Every good boy likes to be near his Spa;
especially when his Spa is not a harsh Spa, and likes to see his dear
boys playing with all their might and main. What a delightful place
this is! How happy am I! How I approve of everything! Here's
everybody's health in Spa(rkling) waters! Never mind the expense,
for have I not won five hundred and seventy francs in half-a-dozen
deals ? There is an innocent pleasure combined with a healthy excite-
ment in the life at this place which endears it to me. Editor, I shall
stop a month here. I am writing this (in extraordinarily high spirits)
in the reading-room of the Redoute. I am going to stake ten
Napoleons just as a refresher before beginning another paragraph.

Victory! I have won. I placed them on a cross, and have
won forty more Naps.! I shall always come here. You come
too, and bring all the contributors, and edit the paper from the
Hotel de Flandres. Or, on second thoughts, give up the paper
and come here with a ten-pound note a-piece, and I will tell
you what to do with it. I have an infallible system. It is this:
Back rouge, pair, zero, twelve times consecutively. Back pair, now,
six times consecutively. Back zero, rouge, four times consecutively.
Place four times your original mise "on horseback," and back the
first twelve. Repeat this over and over again until you have won
seven thousand pounds (eight thousand seven hundred and fifty Naps.)
the leave off, as after this, the chances are dead in favour of the bank.

No man can calculate with certainty on making more than seven
thousand a year at roulette. That is the worst of it.*
There is a geniality about everyone here which is absolutely
bewitching. The ladies' costumes are exquisite, and the ladies them-
selves the most artless and winning young things in the world. I am
a winning young thing too, and so shall you be, if you come out here.
You've no idea what jolly fellows the croupiers are-I go and chat
with them when they are off duty, and they all remind me of PRINCE
METTERNICiH. They have just his cast of countenance. They are not
at all angry at my winning little ways, although I have explained my
system to them all in turn. They all admit its infallibility. They say
that it is the only really infallible system, and seem very mueh de-
pressed at my having discovered it. They are quite gentlemanly not-
withstanding. One of them told me the other day that the bank
reckons on the infallible system being known to twelve players in
seven years (or seven players in twelve years-I forget which), and I
am one of the seven (or twelve). They implore me to keep the secret
to myself, and I affect compliance. Tra Ila la! Excuse this incon-
sistent exclamation, but I am in high spirits, and when you are in high
spirits abroad it always takes the form of Tra! lait! la!
I believe Spa is situated in a woody valley, formed by part of the
Ardennes chain, but I don't care. This (as I have had occasion to
remark before) is not a guide book. Smore champagne. Hlero's jolly
good health, olo fuller. Nothing' like fallible cistern. I shall go and
have anotherr shy. One again! I shouldsha, 1 again! (1 never could
remember which was One the number and which was 1 the verb-
perfectpasshiveparticiplepast of verb, that's to shay). Jesse. I shall
go and back everything. Yes.

4th October.
A business appointment of an important nature compelled me to
break off abruptly the dissertation on the evils of continental gambling
houses, which I posted to you yesterday. I have, however, little to
add to the remarks which are already in your possession. Of the evils
that they work I am in a position to speak with authority ; for, with
the view of demonstrating to society the utter folly of embarking
capital in such a speculation as roulette or rouge ct noir, I havo staked
large sums of money on every combination that was open to mo, and,
of course, I lost eventually on all. This I was prepared for, and fully
expected, notwithstanding the fact that fortune appeared, for a short
time, to favour my speculations. Indeed, at ono time I had won a
considerable stun, and many persons would have stopped at that point,
and have taken their unhallowed spoil away with them. liut I am
not a gamester, and have no sympathy with those who are. I havo
come to the sink of iniquity not to make a disgraceful income, but
simply in order that I may be in a position to preach down the hideous
folly of those poor deluded fools who think an income will turn iup
with a red or black card, and that when the. wheel spins, it is spinning
them a fortune. The haggard looks of the professed gambler, the
feverish excitement that characterizes the demeanour of the novice,
the low cunning that gleams from the beady black eyes of the sinister
croupiers, suffice of themselves to tell such a talo of sorrow and of
shame as should drive the intending gamester from the saloon into the
train, and so home as fast as he can go to his innocent Peckham and
his unsophisticated Camberwell. SNAruLr.

DEAR EmrIon,-You send to me for a column and a half of verse in
a great hurry. In a great hurry I furnish you with a column and a
half of verse. Excuse haste,
(On her leaving England.)
BEAUTIFUL Star, you take your flight-
Rumtidy, rumtidy, rumti right-
Beauty, I wonder how you are,
Star of the evening, bright beautiful,
Beautiful Star !
Star! Beautiful Star-har!
Star Beautiful Star-har-bar !
Star-ar of the Even-
[Oh! bosh!-En.]

The infallibility of this system will be seen at once if the following equation is
carefully studied: 1/earts y Spades /I forget this quantity
Diamonds Clubs 62
Rouge + Noir 26 3
Some number which I don't remember

OCTOBER 21, 1865.]


[OCTOBER 21, 1865.

WHENEVER I go to a public dinner (which I am thankful to say isn't
often) and listen to the mellifluous accents of the worthy toastmaster
as he ejaculates gen-tle-mcen!. Chairm-pro-po! ses toast Arm-y
Nave-y Voein-teers! I feel a glow of enthusiasm run down my right
-elbow and quiver in the glass of tepid champagne that I hold in my
hand. You may judge of my feelings then, at receiving an invitation
to be present at a real sham fight where all the arrangements necessary
for the proper performances of a sanguinary battle had been provided
without regard to expense by one of the most-well, sir, courtesy de-
mands that I should go farther and (without faring worse), say the
most distinguished regiment in London. Need I say that I allude to
the Honourable Ar-, but perhaps I may be accused of revealing the
secrets of private hos-, well let me not violate the confidences of
the festive board. Suffice it to say in the words of an eminent Common
Councilman when alluding to this most effective body, that "them's
the liveliest corpse I ever see."
Every one knows by this time that these energetic upholders of the
national glory are so assiduously devoted to ball practice, as befits an
Artillery Company, that they never omit any occasion for a dance, and
the enormous consumption of tulle, blond, muslin, and other light
fabrics, in consequence of the effective manner in which the members
of the Company manage their spurs and side arms while engaged in
tripping people up on the light fantastic toe, has, I am informed, en-
hanced the value of such productions of the Indian loom, and con-
siderably raised their market value. I mention these characteristics of
our brave defenders as illustrative of the soul-stirring spectacle, to
witness which I underwent the fatigue of a journey to Wanstead Flats.
I at once attached myself to the non-combatant division of the army in
the field-need I say I allude to the commissariat-and as the position
assigned to that arm of the force was a sequestered thicket, where, as
the witty officer in charge observed, we found lobsters in e-chell-on,
and champagne and stout in open order. I prepared for action by an
attack on the cold chicken. I regret to say that the pusillanimity of
the light cavalry led them to retreat from the foe in this direction, and
that the sharpshooters followed them immediately, while a couple of
guns were rapidly advanced to the very front of our position, and unlim-
bered before we could secure the hamper, into which I fell. Nothing

but the orderly retreat of the cavalry, and the determined advance
of the light infantry and field-pieces could have saved our company,
represented by myself, from being cut to pieces with broken glass,
and as it was they (that is I) were (or at least was) thrown into disorder,
and had difficulty in getting into camp.
One touching ceremony replete with interest opened the subsequent
proceedings. A carriage was seen in the distance, and as it neared
the camp I cbuld see that some great event was about to follow. A
majestic lady alighted, and men let their pipes go out. She bore in
her hand a neat spade, with which she commenced to dig a hole in
the ground. What could it mean ? Was it for the solemn interment
of the apocryphal dog whose death is popularly ascribed to the mis-
directed ambition of a too eager volunteer ? I asked the question. I
was bonneted. Ere I could recover myself two lovely beings had
brought forward an iron pot and cross trees. Then it rushed upon
me. The majestic lady who had just alighted herself was about to
light a fire; that was the corporal's joke, and he added that there
was nothing like putting the pot on while you were about it. This was
done also, and soon the camp was a scene of revelry, and the steam of
much cooking added its savour to the soft evening air. The sun was
going down as our spirits rose. Then we all rose, and the alderman
rose-I don't mean ALDERMAN ROSE, but ALDERMAN FINNIS-rose to
the full height of the occasion, which, as far as I could make out by
the uncertain light of my seventeenth glass of wine, was between
fifteen feet eleven and five feet three. He opened fire-at least no-I
mean we marched to assault his cellar, and to admire a magnificent
display of his plate, which marched past in full uniform-at least-the
weather was warm, and how those brave fellows managed to dance on
the lawn in heavy marching order is a wonder that deserves well of
their country. I sat under a tree with a flask of chablis, for England
expects every man to do his duty. It had been a glorious day, and
had a glorious FIXNIS; but military life upsets the system till you
get used to it, and I walked home between two at the double.

NOTICE.--Early in November will bepublished, price Twopence,
Now ready, Vol. VIII. (1ST VOL., NEW SEmES), price 4s. 6d. Also,
the TITLE, PREFACE, AND INDEX, price One Penny.
Cases for binding the volume smay be had at the Ofice.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at
80, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 21, 1S65.

OCTOBER 28, 1865.]


As now performed on some of the lSoith-iNorthern Itail/ways.


BY J. E. C*RIr*NT*R.
THEnE is a name I dare not breathe,
Although it once )wNs dear,
They deem my linen spotless now,
And no deception hero ;
And yet like sunset's rosy flush,
lMy check is hot with shame,
They itsk me-but I will not breathe
My washerwoman's name !
Last night when in the mazy dance,
BMy neat foot trod the floor,
They little deemed my manly neck
A paper collar bore.
A "lichard soared my heaving breast,
And vet who dares to blame ?
Her bill's not paid-1 cannot breathe
mMy washerwoman's name!

A CAVALIER rode by a cottager's door,
And a maiden sat thereby,
-- The cavalier bowed to his saddle full low,
__. And the maiden winked her eye.
And years rolled on, and the maiden worked
By her door, and still would think
Of the cavalier's bow, and the knight lie thought
For ayo on the maiden's wink.
And years rolled on, and the maiden heard
No more of the courteous knight,
And, perchance, heo called on her name and thought
Of her wink as he died in fight.
But the maiden lived the merriest life,
For the curate lie came one day,
And she winked at him with her arch blue eyo,
And he married her straight away !

EDITOR,-" Souiflet-bang, nous voi e encore / as the poet says. Back
in London. Grimy London. Black dingy London. Comfortable
London. Expensive, ugly London. Jolly, sociable London. Con-
venient London. Back again, and not sorry.
Perhaps it would be impossible to discover a course of treatment
better adapted to reconcile one to a nine months' stay in England than
the journey from Spa to Ostend. You travel through a flat, uninter-
esting country to Malines (or Mechlin), and then you wait three hours
for the train from Brussels which is to take you to Ostend. So you
see that you have a good deal of time on your hands at Malines, and
Malincs is just about the worst place in the world to while away odd
hours in. MEM.- Never cat anything at the refreshment counter at
Ialines if you can hlel it. For this reason. Feeling very dirty after
my journey from Spa, I beg to be allowed to wash' my hands.
Permission granted. Am told to wait where I amn for a minute.
Eventually basin and pocket handkerchief arc brought, and placed
upon counter in the middle of the pastry, and there I wash mvy hands.
I am charged half a franc for this luxury, but if I had been charged
half a Napoleon it would hardly compensate the proprietor for
the damage that I do to his cakes and tartines, for my hands are
extremely dirty, and I always splash dreadfully. So-BIloral: Never
cat anything at the Malines refreshment counter if you ran help it.
The most prominent fact that remains on my mind in connection
with Malines is, that I was the only person in it. It seemed as if it
were all mine. I assure you on my honour that I walked right
through the principal street of the town at midday, without seeing
a single human being. To be sure it was raining slightly. At length,
frightened by this extraordinary solitude, and anxious to hear my own
voice in conversation, I rushed into a peach shop. After waiting for
ten minutes, an old lady appeared in answer to my repeated raps on
the counter, and without waiting to ask my business, threw her arms
round my neck and tried to kiss me.

I was at first disposed to attribute this extraordinary behaviour to
her overwhelming joy at the discovery of a real, live, human being,
but on further enquiry it turned out that she thought I was her
nephew. As I wasn't, there was an ncud of the matter.
I began to get absolutely terrified at my loneliness, and to think that
the three hours never uroiid come to an end. But they did, and I
found myself once more on board the train to Ostend,
Which is a more irritating place than even Malines. With all its
solitude M1alines is a picturesque old town, and possesses many quaint
architectural phenomena which excite amusement, if not admiration.
But Ostend is dirty, vulgar, pretentious, and German. It has two re-
deeming features, its jiyiu, which forms a good promenade, and its
bathing. And when you have said that you hlave said all. It is
nothing to me that the King of the Belgians spends his summer hero
in a second-rate house which would disgrace a British vice-consul, and
that lie and his family pass the day in a tent on the sands, surrounded,
of course, by snobbish English people, who, I sulippose, expect to find
the Royal Family walking about on their heads, or at all events, in
some manner unfamiliar to humbler mortals. It is a disinmal place,
and the fat, oily, all-over-the-place-spitting, fish-with-their-knife-
eating Germans make me miserable. So I hie me on board the dirty
little mail packet which is to carry me back to my boylhood's liome.
And (thanks to a smooth sea) the rieketty little craft lands nme safely
at D)over six hours after leaving Ostend Lights. And tliere I get into
one of the comfortable carriages of the S.E., and am whiskehd up to
London in the twinkling of a jilli'y. And here in London, will be
found, for many months to come, the humble individual who is proud
to subscribe himself SNAuRLEl.

TniRE is melancholy news from Berlin. The Spree is almost dried
up, and that's no joke for the Prussians.

VOL. i[. G

62 F U T N [OCTOBER 28, 1865.


F course as everybody
is now coming back
to town, I have, as in
duty bound, made an
expedition to the vari-
ous places of amuse-
ment to see what is
provided for the re-
turned prodi-gals and
boys. There'sDrury
Lane, and there's the
-, "' Haymarket, for those
ed dramas; and for
those who like the
new fashioned dra-
J mas there are Ast-
*if -'"i ley's, the St. James's,
--- --- and the Princess's.
'And for those who
like anything that's good, whether new or old, there are the
Adelphi and the Prince of Wales; for those who like anything that's
bad there's the Olympic. Then there are the two opera houses going
for the musical folk. As for the entertainments there are plenty of
them. You can take your unadulterated Scotch at MR. GOUnLAY'S, or
your unmixed Chinese at CHANG'S. Or you 'can go to the Opera di
Camera, and take a delightful combination of the two in Ching Chow
17i, which is simply glorious fun, not to mention the jolly music,
which haunts you so that for days after you find yourself going about
the streets humming it, and sticking up your thumbs, which appears
to be a Chinese custom. With regard to the Widows Bewitched, I
can't help thinking the composer might have had a better libretto, and
the librettist might have had a better composer. Why does MR.
AliE content himself with only two rhymes for a quatrain, and
does he consider "court" a good rhyme for "thought ?" But then
Ching Chow IHi is delicious! Then there are the HOWARD PAULS in
the most charming boudoir of a theatre, the fittings of which must
have been designed by a lady, they are so tasteful. It is unnecessary
to say a word for entertainers so well known, but I must just express
my admiration of Mis. HowAnD PAUL'S Sims Reeves. There is only
one little thing needed to make the impersonation perfect-it is not
much, and Mes. PAUL is so consummate an artist, I'm sure she will
not feel offended at the hint, which is this :-She ought not to appear
on some of the nights for which she is advertised.
3MR. STODARE has produced a new puzzle-the Sphynx-and a most
perplexing one it is. If it is a human head where is the body ?-and if
it isn't-why, it is triumph of mechanism. Mn. STODARE is an adept
at sleight of hand, but if he takes my advice he will curtail the
ventriloquial part of his entertainment, and discontinue the sale of a
very catchpenny book of tricks. He can succeed without these, for he
is the neatest conjuror I have seen since HIERMANN.
THERE's a new toy called Pharaoh's serpent, which is all the rage
just now. It consists of a small cone, about the size of a large pastile,
covered with tinfoil. On lighting the apex a writhing and seemingly
endless coil, something like a pale puff adder, pours from it. The toy
has two advantages: it is a very amusing surprise, and as it is of a
poisonous nature you can, if you are an old bachelor and hate
children, take them to your friends' houses and make a clean sweep of
their growing families, by allowing the youngsters to inhale the fumes
or put the serpents in their mouths.
I HAVE had forwarded to me some doggrel on the Freemasons, for
quoting a few lines of which I trust that honourab'o body will
pardon me-
Weep, brother Masons, weep, weep for your sins.
Oh, down on your knees; oh! down on your pins.
Oh, dear! oh, dear! What shall we do ?
Ile says we are a wretched crew."
The party guilty of this execrable trash describes himself as M.A.,
and private tutor." Does he teach his pupils to spell "bleat" with
two "s ? And at what university did he hear of such a substantive
as "a vice-regal ?"'' I may mention for the benefit of those who would
like to possess this literary curiosity-for it is curiously bad-that it
is obtainable at a shop in the Strand famous for the tmagie donkleys, as
the imprint of the sheet rather pointedly declares. I may add, how-
ever, for the comfort of Private Tutor, M.A., that his verses are not
worse than a prologue quoted by the Court Journal, as written by LORD
WVILLIAM LENNOX for some amateur theatricals. Why even the
authors of Glaucus and Canaralznaman might blush to own them.
I Am sorry to see that the National Portrait Exhibition suggested
by LORD DERBY has been allowed to fall into the hands of the South

Kensington clique, and is to be held in the Botanical Gardens!
There's only one thing more needed to ensure its success, and that is
that M3. PALGRAVE, who compiled the notorious handbook of the
Exhibition of '62, should be employed to do the catalogue and write
the lives-he'd do it with such taste and judgment.
I Dno'T often prophesy, but I look confidently for the time when the
Anti-Game Law people will erect a statue to SIR BALDWIN LEIGHTON.
His statute for turning the rural police into gamekeepers has done
what all their years of agitation have failed to do. It has shaken the
Game Laws, and I think now there is some hope of their being
revised to good purpose.

LORD PALMERSTON is dead. He died within two days of his eighty-
first birthday. It is hardly two months since I saw him cantering
down Piccadilly on his famous old white horse. His vigour and
spirits seem to have supported him to the last. His death is a loss
not only to his party, but to the country, which he made to be
respected and feared in foreign lands, where the name of England was
once a byword. He was a genuine Englishman--and he himself could
wish no nobler epitaph than that. As I write these lines the last
photographic portrait taken of him, by MEssRs. WALxE, of Margaret-
street, lies before me. It is an excellent likeness.

THERE'S a book written
Called Sophie Laurie,
It isn't a fit 'un
For drawing-room storey.
Teste uno .Doctore
And one or two more,
Magno dolore
.Pro tristi auctore,
Testibus doctoribus
Injurious moribus,
For it's improperer
Than all other opera,
And "Trash" adds Corrector.
I'll get it," says Lector.-
If you were wiser
You'd cease this cry, sir,
For now folks '11 hie, sir,
The novel to buy, sir.
All cry and no wool,
A cock and a bull,
And who's got the pull ?-
Buy a man,
Try a man,
But never belie a man,
Vis Correctoribus,
Long-ibus auribus !"

A Co iISSiox has very properly been appointed to inquire into what
penny-a-liners still call the Rinderpest; but the list of its members
that has been published in our serious contemporaries is inaccurate.
We have great pleasure in presenting our readers with
Mi. HolSEMAN, H.P.
There! Will you be good enough to pronounce the last name
twice ?

OCTOBER 28, 1865.]


January 1.-Another glorious year dawns on me. Oh, I mean to be
so happy! I loye everything and everybody. What a fairylike place
the world is to be sure I grow fonder of my fellow-creatures every
day. The mere fact of being alive almost maddens me with unutter-
able rapture. It appears like an intoxicating dream. I adore man-
kind and beastkind ; for they are beautiful and good. Why should I
tread upon.a worm ? Ah, my dear brothers and sisters of both hemis-
pheres, let us all be very tender and very generous to each other.
Let us extend our sympathies to the solar system, shall we ?
February 1.-To-day I have been grieved-very deeply grieved-
by a sad spectacle of human infirmity. I was walking down Fleet-
street-ah, my darling old burly lexicographer, you also loved the
spot!-when I beheld a couple of boys disputing. Yes; there was
the effulgent orb of day looking down upon them, and yet they
quarrelled. One of them, I hear, had spoken slightingly of the other ;
for a bystander assured me, on his oath, that the word fool" had
been made use of. How it made my heart ache to see one of those
innocents raise his clenched hand and strike the other upon the nose.
This is no fable for I saw the blood! Ah, me Why cannot we love
and cherish one another ?
farch 1.-I received a letter from the obliging creature who makes
clothes for me. Poor soul, he is in want of money. I have scolded
him for not writing to me earlier; and I trust that the bank-notes I
forwarded may be of service to him. I felt a pang at parting with so
much; but why should my fellow creatures be unhappy ? No doubt
somebody will give me money when I want it! That will be very
April 1.-There is much harmless mirth to-day at the expense of
the confiding and simple-minded. But I cannot bear to hear the name of
"fool" applied, even in jest, to such a glorious creature as man.
What is a fool ? I never saw one. We must overlook the failings of
our neighbours, or the World will cease to be a perfect paradise.
May 1.-The flowers are going to blossom. Dear, delicious flowers!
I confess that I never look at a daisy without crying. But how sweet
it is to cry now and then! When I was a baby I cried constantly,
and they gave me sugar-plums. How kind and generous people
always are to those in distress !
fune 1.-My landlord-as delightful a being as ever drew the
breath of life-tells me that I owe him nearly two years' rent. How
time flies in this happy world of ours! Poor fellow! it made me weep
to see him so disappointed. If I were a rich man nobody should be
in want. Still I do not think he was justified in threatening to
deprive me of liberty. Are we not inhabitants of the same lovely
universe ? Does not the same sun shine on us both ? But no;
surely he would never be so ill-natured and cross as to lock me up !
He loves me too much for that!

October 1.-Confound it, I shall have to go through the 'court.
What an infernal nuisance! To think of that old humbug, THREAD-
NEEDLE, having the impudence to talk about an instalmentt." As if
I hadn't enough to bother me without a miserable tailor's bill. But I
don't care, after all, if I can only scrape tin enough together to go
down and see the mill between JERRY CONK and the CHICKEn. By the
way, I wish I could get one of those brutal managers to look at my
burlesque. I'm sure it's just the sort of thing to suit the Olympic.
They seem to go in for elegance there TI .I ....l.1.- .1 ._ chap I met
at S.omsA's when I was locked up for th.. i. .1 th i. burlesques
were all the rage. Ah, we had some jolly nights in Cursitor-streect.
What an ass I was before I went to old SLOMAN'S.
November 1.-By Jove, another late night. How I pitched into
A 299 when he told me that three o'clock a.m. wasn't the proper time
to go about howling, comic songs. Ha, this is what I call "seeing
life," with a vengeance! I wonder whether IKEY means to do that
bill for me-the old, sixty-per-cent. ruffian. I can soon make it all
right when something turns up. fBy jingo, this head of mine spins
round like a teetotum; I must have one more bottle of Seltzer, or else
I shan't be able to go anywhere to-night, and I suppose we shall find
something to do in the way of a lark.
oDecember 1.-That muff of a doctor says that if I'm not more care-
ful he won't answer for the consequences. Nonsense; I don't believe
in doctors, nor in anybody else. Why, I've been ill three weeks, and
not a soul comes to see me. Where's HIIAnny, I wonder, the ungrate-
ful hound-I lent him a sovereign before I was laid up. Bother this
cough, I wish I could get rid of it. Well, I can't write any more now.
I shall give up keeping a diary as soon as this miserable year comes to
an end. Thank goodness, there's not much more of it to come!

WHY is CiiAxo the laziest man in the world ?-Because, on account
of his height, he lies the longest in bed.

OCT. 18TH, 1865.
A CHIEFTAIN dead! Let discord cease:
Awhile suspend your quarrels,
And lay the olive branch of peace
Among our hero's laurels.
Our leader, who so gaily marched before us,
Is gone from usn-is gone !
lie who still kept the grand llag flying o'er us,
Who such example of high courage bore 1s,
lroin whom our strength was drawn;
For him the death-bell booms in tones sonorous,
This dull October dawn.
Yet will we chant no melancholy dirges-
We will not wail for him.
On welcome shores of rest he now emerges,
Who had so long, amid life's cruel surges,
To battle and to swim.
Peace now! To-morrow's care no lonigr urges
Tired brain and weary limb.
He is dead ;-who stood so boldly by the helhn
1Of the realm ;
In the fullness of his time, the close of day,
Past away,
When the dim October lights in mist and rain
Slowly wane.
How friends loved him !-and none hated, not o'en those
Who were foes,
For the arrows of his wit, if they were keen,
Yet were clean
Of the venom of a sneer, begot of spleen.
Kind and courteous in those hall, and in the fray
Bold and gay,
Dealing blows, and taking blows, with open smile
All the while.
And the downcast of the nations know the famo
Of his name-
-1."-. looked to him for liberty. And lihe
Set them free
When be knew that lie could strike the uno great blow-
Free them so,
Not rivet more the fetters of their woe.
Fade, failing year, in fog and gloom,
And leave this record oni the page-
The foremost statesman of the ago
This year was given to the tomb."
And wo had thought lie could not die--
This veteran with his eighty years,
Whio was as one among his peers-
No Nestor of an age gone by.
Hie never struck an unfair blow,
Or failed a helping hand to lend-
So true, i .... i. good or ill, to friend-
So prompt in mercy to a foe.
lie listened to the nation's voice,
But when an angry rabble cried,
lie did not swerve or turn aside,
But held the justice of his choice.
Close up the ranks. Aye : look your fill
Upon our ancient captain dead.
Then onward-by the way lie led-
And keep the old flag spotless still!
Let those who future histories pen,
His noble qwilities review;
Kind, cheerful, honest, fearless, true-
The Englishman of Englishmen!

Go search the world from end to end-
A braver heart had no man-
So faithful ayo to fallen friend,
So generous to foCman.
We must not weep a death like this,
So peaceful and so painless,
No tears! This shield we bear of his
He has bequeathed us stainless !
1.. a '. .iSm alm'tAIwI,'lehist gmm';'sw f

64 1"i N. F[OCTOBER 28, 1865.

Tunrix TYNE has been asked

to a conversazione. As he has no dress suit, little BADGER and long KAMMLE lend him a
This is the result !

WE find the following in the advertising columns of a highly re- BY A PRACTICAL MAN.
spectacle daily contemporary :- I KNow that my love wears a chignon behind,
ONE THOUSAND POUNDS per Annum for ONE POUND.-Any persons who And lots of false puffing before,
may be desirous of becoming possessed of the above-named annual income are But her conduct to me is exceedingly kind,
requested to make an immediate application, enclosing a stamped directed enve- Though some people think me a bore;
lope, to, &c. I know that her eyebrows are pencilled with art,
It is perhaps cruel of us to withhold the name of the advertiser The rose on her cheek is a sham,
from our readers, thus depriving them of the chance of comfortably But she says it's impossible ever to part,
settling down in life upon an income not by any means to be sneezed And in proof of the fact-here I am !
at. But we must uphold our rule of not allowing our columns to be
made traps for the unwary We must needs content ourselves with Yes, what if her locks are hooked on by her maid ?
the remark that if every person who may be desirous of becoming That I am hooked also is plain,
possessed of" this very snug little competency will only send his or And though for her bloom MADAME RACHEL be paid,
her sovereign to the advertiser, the said advertiser will certainly have I feel that her cheeks are a chain;
no cause to regret the capital expended in type and printing. Then let her soft contours be nothing but pads,
The same number of the same paper has an announcement of a If her heart and affections are free,
certain Donnybrook Bazaar," which appears to be a species of lottery, And let all her hair be some obsolete cad's,
with a charge for tickets (entitling the holders to a chance in the If that heart it beats only for me !
drawing), at the low sum of sixpence! In this lottery the principal
prize, we are informed, is A grand cottage" (not piano, but dwelling-
house), with six rooms, suitably finished for a respectable family, Interesting Anecdote.
situated on Dalkey-hill; lease for ever, and rent free. Hundreds of (AFTER THE FASIION OF THE OLD JEST BOOKS.) .
other valuable prizes also. Including an Irish jaunting car, DUKE or
LEINSTEI pattern, with horse and harness." A CERTAIN witty fellow, in company with a writer of his acquaint-
Again our inexorable rule prevents our stating where tickets are to ance, passed by a hoarding whereon was displayed one of the Astley's
be applied for, but to any one investing current coin of the realm to posters.* "So!" quoth the literary man, The Child of the Sun !
the amount.of sixpence sterling, in the hopes of obtaining either the That's PHAETOr of course." "Nay," said the wag, pointing to the
freehold cottage, or the Irish jaunting car, DuiKE of LEINSTER pattern, adapter's name, "not a Phaeton-a BooUGHAM."
&c., we can only wish success. To speak more plainly, we most sin-
cerely rish hle inag get it." WrHEX is a steamboat like a witness in a trial P-When it is bound

we three meat again ?" No offence intended to the Wild Steed of the Desert.

rig letwCen them.

F 1U NT.-OCTOBEn 28, 1865.

ii 41 -


-- ---------

OCTOBER 28, 1865.] FU N. 67

I'M sure truer words was never spoke than as three moves is as bad
as a fire, as the sayin' is, for rack and ruin is the word, as well I can
prove by the wan-load as come in fragments, and of all the down-
pourin' rain, as I know'd it would be thro' the moon a-changin' on a
Friday, as I've knowed it do often myself, with a wet Monday conse-
quently as sure as ever it was my month's wash.
As to movin', it's a thing as I do not hold with, as has had my
share, and bad enough when only a few streets; but all the way from
Stepney to South Lambeth, as I holds to be the North Pole for farness,
as is a day's journey, as the sayin' is, for I had a cousin as lived in
Kennington Oval, as used to take me till dusk to get home again, tho'
never stopping' for a cup of tea. But BROWN he says move he must,
and that's the nearest where he could find a place with a bit of garden,
as his heart is set on thro' bein' that passionate over flowers. Not as
ever I fancied the house with a range as there wasn't no doing' nothing'
with, and the oven as wouldn't hold a cheese plate, with a biler as
didn't supply itself, and not a bit of copper not if it was to save
your life.
As to the garden, I see nothing' in it, as no more there weren't, throw'
its bein' new made, with broken crockery on the walks, and the house
a-smellin' mortar thro' its being' all fresh cementary work.
Certainly the parlors is noble rooms with folding doors, and picked
out with pink paint and marble mantel-pieces, not as I hold with
them French windows with shutters only a-fastenin' half away up,
and a draught under enough for to cut your feet off; and a-makin' of
the front kitchen a parlor is all very well, but don't seem natural, as is
on the ground after all, and if them two cupboards ain't damp my
name's not BRowN, that's all.
Of all the days as ever you see it was that Wednesday-as I will
move on, thro' getting' settled by Saturday night, but, law bless you,
settled, why, we shan't never be, for as to getting' things done unless
you do 'em yourself it's heart-breakin', and to see the way as I packed
them things, the' a tto MRS. CHOALLI, she's a born fool to go and put
them fiat irons and two brass candlesticks in along with my tea service,
as can't be matched not for the QUEEN herself, as I valued natural
thro' bein' my own dear mother's, as is one I never had a angry word
with, except that time as I knocked the spout off the teapot thro'
a-fillin' it from the kettle contrary to her wishes, and could have cried
my eyes out when I see it all come out piecemeal, as the sayin' is.
As to Ma. PococK as moved us he's a false man, as I'd a told him
to his face only BRowN interfered, as is a party I can't a-bear thro'
a-marryin' two sisters afore the first was hardly cold in her grave, as
brought on words atween us, thro' me a sayin' she wasn't his lawful
wife, as made BRnowN that wild with me, a-tellin' me to mind my own
Of all the wans as ever you see, eighteenpence the hour, why I'd
have drawed myself nearly as well as them rats of horses. I got 'em
started off by ten o'clock, Browx and me up before five, everything
nearly ready over night, when just as the milk come round atween
seven and eight it begun for to drizzle, as I says foretels a wet day,
tho' the milkman he thought different, a-sayin', Rain afore seven
lift afore eleven; as I says, "It's gone seven, as breaks the charm,"
as the sayin' is.
I'm sure I never knowed no peace till I was off myself in a cab, that
full as the d 'or wouldn't shut, and that cat a-strugglin' like wild in
my arms, just for all the world like a Christian took anywhere agin
his will.
Of all the rides as ever I had it certainly was the joltingest, and
kep' a-throwin' me violent forward, and then a-checkin' me back like,
thro' the horse a-actin' that contrary, and the abuse of that cabman
was enough to make a worm turn as is trod on. So I up and give
him a bit of my mind, and says, If you ain't got your rights there's
a summons open to you, as I can face any day; but," I says, "I'll
have the law of you thro' not a- givin' me a ticket," as is a mean action
in my opinion, as I wouldn't stoop to. But law, he up and forgot
hisself that dreadful that I do not know what he would not have done
only BRowN come in, as made him step it pretty quick, a willing ai
would have took a mean advantage of a lady, the same as that on(
did as I once give half-a-crown to, a-waitin' for change, when hb
jumps on his box quite sudden, and, with a rude gesture, said as hc'c
carry me for nothing' next time.
I thought I should have gone wild a-waitin' hour after hour foi
them goods, with nothing' for to set on but a odd tressel, with a bit o:
bread and cheese, as BnowN got me, tho' certainly the beer wae
It was quite dusk when the goods came, and when I see mybeddin
all exposed thro' the tarpauling being blowed aside with the wind an
rain a-blowin' violent, I could have cried my eyes out, and it's
mercy as I'd had some coals in, as is lucky with salt for to bring firs
into a house. So the fires was a-burnin' bright, and of all the beastl:
drinking' wretches it was them fellows with the wans, as stifled me ou

with their rum, as they was regular reekin' with all over the place,
and a-fallin' up the stairs with the bannisters knocked out with their
violent ways, a-bangin' things about as if they was cast-iron, and had
been and broke my lookin'-glass, as will bring no luck for seven years.
As to getting' our bed up that wasn't possible, for BiowN 1 he regular
lost his temper, and went oft' in a huff, a-sayin' as I'd managed ad,
and there was me and lits. CHALLIN a-slavin' ibr to dry that beddin',
as was a-steamin' like mad. I do think as that woman was born into
the world for to be my bugbear, for the' well-meanin', she is the most
it i- .i,. t. party, thro' bein' that foolish in her actions, a-pilin'
up wood and coals like a furnace, a-sayin' as the chimbly must be all
right thro' bein' quite uninhabited, except the policeman and iiis wife
as had lived in the front room, as kep' a smoking' in volumes, as the
sayin' is.
Well, I was that busy in the bedroom, a-seein' how I ebuld contrive
that bed, thro' not a-holdin' with a-sheepin' on the floor, aits is apt or
to settle on the eyes thro' draughts under the door, aits is not to e
kept out, when I hears a-lollarin' and a-lnockin' violent, as I thought
was them wan-men come back, as 1 would not settle with thro' a-seein
as they was far gone in liquor. So I says, "1,et 'e knock, as will
pr'aps attract the police," when I hears a rattling' and shoutin' Fire."
Well, I runs to the window, and there I sees such a mob a-shotiin'.
So I throws up the sash and says, Whatever is it W" Says thlie police,
"It's the engines, as ragin' flames is a-comin' out at the ehimnbly pot,"
as I could hear a-roarin' like a lion.
It give me such a dreadful turn that I staggers all over the place,
and it's a mercy as it was the beddin' as 1 pitched on to, or 1 might
have done for myself.
It was ever so long afore I could get up and go down, and found
the place full of firemen and police, as I says, Keep out the mob, or
I shan't have a thing left in the place," as was a deluge for water
a-swillin' all about, and it's lucky as I had got the bceddin' up-stairs
afore the fire broke out, or I do believe it would have been wasthid
away, as I nearly was myself afore the fire was got under.
And what do you think was its cause? Why, if that policeman
and his wife hadn't been and stuffed a bundle of shavin's up that
chimbly, as I should say the down draught would have done 'cm good,
as five was a-sleepin' in the room ; but it'asw it was found out
as it were, or we might have been burnt in our beds.
If you'd heard BROWN when he come in a-seein' me that grimed
as he busted out a-laughin', as set Mits. CHALuLN oil, as the' aid ofl'
hearing' could join in laughter, its she did in my opinion thro' blin'
overtook in liquor, for if she didn't then begin a-weepin' and a-sayin'
as she must go home to her husband, is is a wooden-leg cobbler, andl
brought home frequent in a frightful state, as she can only keep in by
hidin' away his leg with tHtm drinking' fits on him.
Well, what with her howls and BUOWN's goin'-on, I was that, drove
wild that if my Spasms didn't come on, as bends me double, and
there I was a-settin' on my feather-bed a-howlin' like a ram's horn,
and if it hadn't been for a widder lady as lived next door, and is the
landlady a-comin' in, I don't think aits I should have livi d the night
out. All as they could do with hot bricks pperptiual, and bi andy and
peppermint took medicinal, did not bring me round till past one o'clock,
as made Buow- bestir himself for to get the bed up, and if it hadn't
been as JANE come over the next day for to help me, as I packed
Ma1I. CMIALLIN off the first thing in the morning I don't believe as
ever I should have got the place right any more, and as to the cat she
took it that to heat as never to be heard on no more.
All I've got to say is that I'd rather stop in a old l(iuse till it fell
about your cars, as the sayin' is, than move to a palace, where thit
carpets won't fit, and eveirythin' seems topsy-turvy, and nothing' don't
seem to be suitable. I'm sure as the cold 1. caught and the things 1
lost and got spoilt in that movin' was (iiough for to nmao a saint
forget hisself, that it was.

"WHAT shall the blazon be, cousin of mine ?"
I asked, as we bent o'er the pages;
S "The Or and the Arernt in 'plendour out-shine,
On shields that i. ..-, for ages."
S Her little hand shook, and low drooped her britglt lihead,
Mlethinks such a lesson was pleasant;
Her earrings were gold ands the soft cli ek was r 1d-
r Field Gules, charged in chief, with a Bczant."
s Stuff, Sir," she answered, that's not in the book,
Attend! for you're shaking the table;
' I asked you just now if you'll bother to look
d Who carries the chevronels sable ?
a And what here by Party per pale' is there meant ?"
t She spoke just as if 1 had vext her,
y And yet to that blazon she gave her consent,
t With my arms on the side that's called dexter.


[OCToBER 28, 1865.


r 1ICKS, not halfpence, have
been our lot
Since we set out in the
world together;
But on, as friends, we have
somehow got,
In stormy as well as in
sunny weather.

For we don't care much
for the showers we
A dr-enching can cause
us but little pain
Your collar's not likely to
/ rust with the wet,
And I have no clothes
to be spoilt by the

A Our wants, like our com-
forts, are very few,
A doorway will shelter
_-_ us both from the
-- Our companionship's dis-
S f -~ < interested too,
For neither's fat keeps
the other warm.

-You ought to cost me
G .:R_-- twelve shillings a
But the tax collector, although he's a scraper,
Can't get any money from sne, that's clear-
I've no house where the beggar can leave the paper!
We live as we can, like honest chaps-
A mouldy crust we consider a feast;
Though cook sometimes throws us a plate of scraps,
With,-glancing at you,-" Poor, faithful beast!"
But pshaw! your fidelity doesn't deceive me-
And why I'll ne'er part with you briefly I'll tell you:-
There's nobody'd take you, if you were to leave me,
And nobody'd buy you, if I were to sell you !


But after the ingenuous family had 'accepted these extraordinary
symptoms as evidence of headache for some time, an event occurred
which opened their eyes to the real state of the case.
One day Mrs. Hunter found her daughter's room locked. The door
was eventually broken open, and the following distressing spectacle
was presented to Mr. and Mrs. Hunter's gaze:-
Nellie was on the sofa, asleep. The noise partially awoke her, and sitting up,
in a maudlin kind of manner she asked, 'What was the matter?' By her side was a
bottle of gin, partially empty, and on the floor, as if it had fallen from her hands,
was one of the fashionable novels of the day. Novel-reading and gin-drinking!
Truly, here was enough to appal any parent's heart. The pang it produced was
something akin to the agony of seeing a child suddenly struck dead.
'Nellie,' said Mr. Hunter, 'it seems to me there is enough the matter. How
came this bottle of gin here ? What are you doing with it ?'
Oh! papa, don'tbe angry,' shereplied, forthe shame of detectionhad quickened
her perceptions, don't be angry, and I will tell you. I've often taken it for pains
in my head and chest, and I suppose I took a little too much this morning, and so it
made me sleep heavily.'
'Sleep heavily! I should think so, indeed. The quantity you have taken shows
me that you are accustomed to this kind of thing. I will not inquire how you got
it, but I presume you bribed one of the servants to fetch it. As I cannot make a
general inquiry, and so proclaim your shame and ours to the whole family, I will
get rid of them all, and remember that for the future, there shall be no tampering
with servants.' "
This drunken beast of a girl married a loving husband, and had a
little boy, who, we are interested to learn, was named Johnny, after
his father." But even Johnny failed to convert her, for as the
narrator forcibly puts it, "she drank worse than ever," and the climax
is told in the following words :-
Not four months since, a couple might have been seen travelling on one of our
railways,-a young married couple. Passengers, however, rarely looked at the
gentleman, except to pity him. Their attention was wholly absorbed by the lady,
who called incessantly for drink. At every station her her husband was compelled to ply
her with it, in order to obtain any degree of quietness; but as he did so, the silent
tear would sometimes trickle down his cheek, telling eloquently of a tale of sorrow. I
was puzzled every time the lady spoke. I seemed to have a dim recollection of the
voice, thick and uncertain though it was. Presently I heard the gentleman call
his wife 'Nellie.' Then it all flushed upon me, that it was Nellie Hunter, one of
my former schoolfellows and young friends But how had the fine gold become
dim. I followed them to their destination, which I found was a house established
for the cure and reformation of ladies addicted to habits of intemperance. There
Nellie now lives, separated from all she knows. She is only twenty-seven years of
age, yet she has drunk to such an extent that it is feared that she will fall a victim
to softening of the brain. Nellie has fallen before the ruinous drinking customs of
society, and therefore I would warn my young readers to beware."
And then follows an appeal to the ladies of England to abstain from
getting drunk, lest they follow in Nellie's footsteps.
For aught we know to the contrary, the author's experience of young
ladies may warrant him in considering this sort of warning absolutely
necessary; but if so, we venture to think that he has been excep-
tionally unfortunate. As a rule, we are inclined to believe that young
ladies of position are not raving drunkards; but, on the other hand,
we may have been exceptionally lucky. But if the editor of the Weekly
-Record is under the impression that the publication of such blatant
folly as the tale we have quoted will have any other effect than to
bring ridicule on a really well-intentioned movement, he deserves to
have his editorial stool plucked from under him.

115tcuiS ts QOXYCIpJ eIbCit .

Iv there are any clear-headed, intelligent men among the "Ab-
stainers they should really exercise their influence, and put a stop to SIGMA, Cambridge.-A great improvement, but some of your lines
the imbecilities which the contributors to the Temperance press still halt, and need, therefore, alteration. Go on and prosper! Do
perpetrate week after week, under the impression that they are benefit- verse-and better.
ing the cause that they have espoused. Frenzied with temperance, ScanRUTATo wishes to know if we will let him draw something
these silly people rant and rave in a manner which must give for us. What is it ? The cork of a bottle of the finest vintage ?
unspeakable pain to the well-informed portion of the Temperance corn- Speak, oh, cork-scrutator !
munity. We -i a little while since, a sample of the poetry with AN ExQUIRERn.-We have consulted Mlin of the Times, and learn that
which those ii..,i. propose to stimulate believers, and to convert LINDLEY MURR.AY was a City policeman, who acquired fame by always
heretics ; here is a briefprecis of the kind of prose anecdote which they saying "Parse on." As nobody could tell whether it was a preposi-
imagine is calculated to wean a convivial man from his convivial ways. tion or an adverb he was looked on as a profound grammarian. We
It is published in the weekly Record, and is called Nellie Hunter: a cannot vouch for the truth of this story in all particulars.
Sketch from Real Life." A PUrr .-The conjunction ger is the teetotal for and." Thus
The story opens at a date about twenty years since, and we there by Gin-ger-beer the strictest teetotaller understands (and swallows) a
find little Alice Adams (a staunch teetotaller of seven, or thereabouts), judicious compound of the spirit of juniper with the decoction of malt
prophetically endeavouring (but in vain) to induce one Nellie Hunter, -known to the profane as "dog's nose."
a young lady also of tender years, to join the Band of Hopeo-an OxoNIAN.-The words to which you refer-IIoXthrs7r0s KE'nvOV
institution which, we believe, was founded about fifteen years ago. -occur in the opening of a poem of AxACREON's.
The two girls grow up; Alice goes to India with her parents, and O'F., Dublin.-Can't get the Index number ? We point our index
Nellie remains at home :- finger to the shop of Mu. PLASTO, 144, Abbey-street.
She was now in her teens, a I 11 c. .1.1 r. ..: ;,i r seventeen. She had A YOUTHFUL ENQUIRER wishes to know why the Confederates
left school, and was supposed to I ...... h... .. hoe, and following required a Loan. Does not he know that they are so reduced in cir-
out the train of education which had been commenced at school. Whether she ,
really did so or not, however, we cannot say; she was absent from the family and cumstances that they have since been compelled to enter the Union?
engaged in her own room, several hours a day, and her absence was supposed to S. CREWY.-We can't help you. If after taking what you consider
prove that the said studies claimed her attention. 3-rs. Hunter, however, saw, or a reasonable amount of liquid nutriment of an alcoholic character, you
supposed she saw, reasons for distriustingNellie. Often when she madei ha io er l appe ar- l
ance at the dinner-table, lher manners were deficent, her con"ersatio ,rinderi lose yur legs, we can see no way to aid you. If you lost your upper
and her accent thick. On such occasions she would plead severe headache, which limbs instead, MI. CULLETON, of Cranbourne Street, would probably
plea would be generally entertained by the family." be able to "find arms for you.

OCTOBER 28, 1865.]


SEVERE as were the trials to which Jon had to submit, there was
one which he escaped, and from which even his patience might not
have come out scatheless. He never was an inventor anxious to bring a
valuable discovery under the notice of Government. Let any of our
readers, who doubt this, read the pamphlet of Ltt/crs from C2aptain
Cowper Coles to t1c6 Secretary of J the iAmirally on Sca-going Turret Ships,
and we feel sure they will agree with us.
Of the excellence of CAPTAIN CowPER COLES'S turret-ships thero
does not exist a doubt among scientific men, and testimony to its
merits has been borne by an American admiral, who had a practical
knowledge of the value of iron-clads in the late war. But the Ad-
miralty cannot yet be brought to recognize this fact-the only approach
to such an acknowledgment on their part being that they have ap-
proved a bad and faulty imitation of CAPTAIN COLES'S invention, which
MR. REEB, the Admiralty Constructor, proposed. This imitation, as
the Captain predicted, has failed, and the Admiralty, with remarkable
consistency, condemn the Captain's scheme, although the Royal
Sovereign, in spite of all the official attempts to burke her, is a com-
plete success.
In this pamphlet CAPTAIN COLES having, with infinite difficulty and
after incessant demands, obtained the adverse report of the Committee,
examines the objections one by one, and applies them to the 'allas,
MR. REED'S ship, as compared with a vessel built on his own plan,
and then proceeds to point out their errors as far as concerns the
latter. But as he fails to make reason heard by the dull, cold ear of
the Admiralty, he appeals to the public. Unless we are mistaken, the
result will be that MR. REED will be called to the bar of public
opinion-he has already had the unenviable distinction of being
called to the bar of the House of Commons-and condemned, as all
his ships ought to be, according to CAPTAIN COLES'S proving.
The question is a public one. The Navy Estimates are heavy, but
the nation would not grudge the money if it could be sure it would
not be misapplied, or that it was expended in endeavouring at least to
obtain the best article by giving inventive genius a fair chance against
official exclusiveness.

Musings in a Music Hall.
WHEN a man sticks his hat at the back of his head,
Tell me, Oh, Editor, why do they roar ?
And then, when he pushes it forward instead,
Why do they scream twice as loud as before ?
When an elderly gentleman rumples his hair,
Why do they all go delirious as well ?
When he uses a handkerchief out of repair,
Why do they, why do they, why do they yell ?
When a vulgar virago is singing her song,
Why must she offer herself as a wife ?
Why give applause about ten minutes long
When a baby of seven imperils its life ?
What does a singer intend to imply
By Whack fol the larity, larity, lay ?
What can he hope to convey to me by
Singing Rum tiddity, iddity !" eh ?

Oh, Golly-conda !
A RECENT number of the New York lWorld furnished its readers with
a tale of which a few extracts from the headlines will convey an
A Dazzling Discovery-Gold and Gems found by the Square Yard in Mount
Cents Tunnel-Work in the Tunnel Suddenly Suspended-France and Italy Dividing
the Spoil-The Discovery Hushed up-Official Prosecution of the Unwitting
Aladdins-The Original Discoverer Murdered by his Fellows."
Well! considering the amount that has been sunk there, it is no great
wonder that a little gold should be found in the tunnel.

THE eldest daughter of the King of Bonny arrived in Liverpool last
week, to undergo a course of French and English education. We
understand his sable majesty's laureate has written an ode on the
occasion commencing Bonny lassie !"

"How is it," asks a correspondent, "that most of the self-styled
Jolly Dogs are such Jolly Young Puppies ?"

Cauight in thel Tli', the new piece at the St. James's, is exactly
the sort of dramatic salad that is adapted from an excellent novel; that
is, it is a series of effective incidents, cleverly contrasted characters,
and well-arranged effects, but it is not a dramina any more than four
half-crowns, five shillings, eight sixpences, and three fourpennv pieces
are a sovereign. lMR. JOiN Iu loucnliI.'s over-elaborate adaptation of
Miss BrAunoNx's novel is worth seeing if only for the salk of those
scenes in which Miss lIERUiErtT appears. Her Julia Desmond is a
thing to remember, and to be afraid of. As we saw and listened to
her we.wore reminded of the lines from the child's story, What
great eyes you've got, gran'ma "What great claws you've got,
gran'ma All the better to tear you up with," &c. Then again
we were reminded of the wife of Jason.
FUN presents his compliments to the new appearances at the St.
James's, and is happy to sec them :-Alit. WALTEIv: JOYCE, Mil.
FlEDERIC CHARLES, 1Ml. 11tLTON, Mili. IDYEI, alld 1Mn. \VWAL,TI:
LACY, and apropos de's tatnts, he now admonishes his favorite child,
W'ALTER LACY, to learn to keep on his hat sometimes, and to lake offl'
his gloves a little oftener. What is the use of a scene painter painting
an exterior if MRi. WVALTEI LACY as soon Its he appears upon the stago
doffs his Lincoln and Bennett as if Iet wore entering a room ? An
Englishman's first impulse when he is excited, is to tighten his waist-
band and to take oil his gloves. What should Franl k Tl'redethlllyn,
when he finds his long-lost cousin, his Syetusan," do with gloves ?
tVALTERi, we have spoken, and expect you to know better for the
When the gas is turned off, and the public are turned off; when
COLONEL STODARE ceases to be a conjuror and becomes a RiMern iiuan
like the rest of us; when CIIAN, the great Chlinese giant, relaxes
from his dignity, and exhibits weaknesses in common with the nismallest
of humankind; when Cinxu Mow, the rebel boy, drops the bullbon,
and sighs for the moon-faced beauties, and the gallant pig-tailed of
his native land; when Mus. BEnowN-our own Mhs. BuowN-attired
in a nightcap, with voluminous borders, and with her best front
curled in papers with the words AnTin" and SKwireCinE" in fine
prominence upon her noble forehead, and with a llat candlestick in her
hand, glares at Miis CiANO, and retires to rest ;-what a strange place
must the interior of the i .- I.. H Ill be ?
Dear reader, or if you I. I 1.. gentler sex, let me call you dearest
reader (we are old and ugly, but "this heart can.still, &c., these pulses
can yet," &c.) you know what a valentine is, we mean oni of the
white lacery, tracery, papery, flowery, bowery sort of valentines, the
kind of valentines that young men buy for IIEn If you will go to
the Egyptian Hall, into the room lately occupied by lMa A wrcnu
SKETCIILEY, yOU will see a platform fitted up after the fashion of Such
a valentine, the winged little cupids without knickerbockers excepted.
The Queen Blice of this Point Lace Boudoir is MRS. lHowaii IAUL ;
and Muh. HOWARD PAUL when she appears as Miss Laura Dashaway
is exactly theo.kind of being, whom, if she were a single lady, a young
gentleman would wish to lead to that altar at whose foot waits one
clergyman attended by several doves, and which you feel sure is
situated behind the most distant lace curtain. However deeply you
might fall in love with Miss Laura, the sight of the Unprotected Female
would chill your heart, and turn your thoughts again to chambers,
latch-keys, late hours, and liberty. Who is thlis lady fine, draped
darkly, like the Tragic Muse ? She holds aloft a goblet containing
what-poison or sparkling Burgundy ? or both, for she sings a terrible
anti-Bacehanal. The song of the Dream of the Reveller is a singular
compound of teetotalism and tragedy. We do not like the song, but
MRS. PAUL sings and acts it admirably. There is the classic attitude,
the fearful repose, the weird light in the eyes, that tragic transparency
and phosphorescent brilliancy that is evolved from the sacred firo that
burns upon the other side of the eyebrows. Jemimer Lobb is the sort
of servant girl that one sees early in the morning cleaning the door-
steps ; and the other character-what a number of characters from her
last place MRS. PAUL must havc!-is Miss Amelia Gushington, a
partner in a ball-dress, with eyes, arms, curls, neck, and shoulders to
match, and dpropos des allumctl/s, now the valentine stage looks like a
valentine, and this is the party and the costume to load up to the altar.
After a brief space enter-possibly to ask for the honour of her hand-
Mr. Sims Reeves, face, voice, manner, musical execution, music sheet,
mdustachios, coat, and everything, exactly like the real MR. Sims
RiEVES. MR. HOWARD PAUL appears in the entertainment, in several
of these impersonations, which have been for some time stamped with
public approval-Major Jonathan Bang, Mr. Rattleton Check, and
Staley Mildew. lie also sings a very eflfectiv sleighing song called
" Over the Snow," and gives his famous representation of Old Roger
Whiitelock, setto one of OFFENnACH'S sprightliest airs. lie also is the
Mr. Willie Spoonleigh whose heart has been captivated by the charms
of Miss Laura Dashaway, and for whom is ordered an eccentric
luncheon of goose, buns, and lea Ye powers of digestion, what a
repast And what a dyspepsia must be in store for the consumer !


[OCTOBER 28, 1865.

BY OuR OWN Gandin.
You have a song, you English, which I myself also have heard with
you where I make myself to lodge in the Bois St. Jean, or as you call
Sir Jon Woods. It is of the Rosbif of Grande Britain, the rosbif
Anglais. Houp la! pour le rosbif of the English! "
I also myself say Houp la! "
For you command me to render myself at the market of those
bestails which you chant of their praises that ode.
I again say to myself, "Houp la for the rosbiftek English London!"
and behold I go.
But first let me make preparation that I may pass without the
question among the bucoliques, the butcher, the merchants of
beastails, that I may defend myself also against your insular climate.
I provide the bonnet de Caledonia-road, the Scotch cap, the top-
boot, the what you call above all" of the proof of water; I drink of
the pale ale, the rhum and the porter beer, and I accoutre myself with
a flacon of your creams of vallies; beverage English.
The railway devotes itself at this five hours of the morning to these
voyageurs, large, blue-bloused, and full of the odours of rhum and
tabaco, who mock themselves of all but the rosbif, of which the fat
clings to them as I smell with my nose.
They are jovials these, and full of the spirits animals ; the sound
of their laughter is sonorous, loud, and reverberatory, as it makes the
echo of itself from afar.
They are brusque, but of insular nationality, and the vapour of
their breath adds to the "foggy" impermeable as they smell the beef,
the muttons, the suck-pigs at the Caledonia market.
I too advise myself of the odour.
It is a beverage marvellous and penetrating that "valley of
Oui. Houp la for Angellish rosbif!
Spectacle, strange, bizarre, marvellous!
Scene, confused, terrible, effrayant!
But sublime!
Oh, yes! Slop bank, nous sommes encore ici!
Coup d'oeil, picturesque, but dangerous.
They come upon me with their horns these animals ferocious; but
I arm myself with the weapon of the drover.

I pose myself and await destiny.
I am surrounded by a dense herd of wild bull.
I shout Houp la It effects nothing.
I am enl6v6, and throw myself at the sky.
Quel horreur; I descend. I lose myself.
Also my watch, my above all," my top-boot.
Vive la crdme des valets.
I go to the publicous.
Houp la pour les rosbif des Oldinglan I!
I go home in a carrette with the calves of the butchers!!
(Chantant.) Houp la! pour les Inglish rosbifs!"

MAKING all my days unquiet-
Robbing all my nights of rest-
Mixing aloes in my diet--
Planting nettles in my breast-
Answer me, 0 Fate, the question-
Answer, and accept my thanks-
Is it love, or indigestion,
That is playing me such pranks

A Pretty Compliment. -
THE first iron bridge is shortly to be built in Mexico by an English
firm. It is on a road which has been named, in delicate allusion to
French intervention, the Medellin Road.

NOTICE.--Finely printed on TONED PAPER, with numerous illus-
trations, .. .. .

will appear on the 6th November. Price Twopence.
In consequence of the demand, BUOYED WITH HOPE has been
reprinted, and may be obtained at the Oflee, price One Penny.
Now ready, Vol. FIII. (1ST YoL., NEW SEEms), price 4s. 6d.
the TrrLE, PR EACE, AND INDEx, price One Penny.".
Cases for binding the volume may be had at the Offoe. '



London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phwonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-October 28, 1865.

NOVEMBER 4, 1865.] F TJ Nt 71

'i I I'M very sad, mamma, to-day,
SYet, nia madre, I must say,
SI .' ____ I scarce know what's the matter.
I,_ '--It's not that CHARLES will never know
I -i The lesson taught by Cupid-
SIt's not that MIUDIE'S novels grow
'I II t Voluminous and stupid.
It's not because at last night's dance
hiYou chid me, sweetest mother,
SFor giving the great earl no glance,
But petting his young brother.
It's not that when his box hlie lent,
%And then came praising PATTrrI,
I said I knew not what he meant,
And sneered at Batti, Batti."
It's not the curate, wretched man,
Who smiled and fawned upon me,
{//And when I smiled on him, began
To dare to think he'd won me.
b. we m t It's not that all the croquet fun
g -iv t Is over, and the roving,
t The play, whichever side has won,
That often leads to loving.
So It's not my chignon that-but stop!
I've found my bitter sorrow,
A trip to some expensive shop,
c e a Shall bring me peace to-morrow.
By that Miss LANE, the other morn
In church behind my shoulder,
The bonnet "just come out" was worn,
And I-woro one much older.

Operator:-" SEE THAT GEN'L'MAN, SIR, A-fRUSHIN' OF 'IS 'AIR? FEx- WE learn from a contemporary that a now magazine
TRA NARY MAN, Sin! WONDERFUL GENIUS, SIR!" is to be started called The bery. Judging from the
Patient :-" INDEED! WHO IS HE P fate of its predecessors in the same line, it had better be
Operator (mysteriously) :-" THAT SIR! THAT IS Our Poet !" called he Transi-tory.

OPERA "ON THE CHEAP." spite of Ma JONES, who is in front of us, and has an altercation with
Shave ever firmly believed in the sateme nt that cheap and nasy MS. JONEs as to whether he shall sit on her jacket, or whether sho
ha r y t st need take off her hat. At the most delicious bit of melody away slides
go together, but we did think it would be impossible to render the the door and young WILKINs appears, to the great delight of his
performance of the works of great masters nasty, till we attended two mamma and sisters, who are in the front row of the allery stalls,
cheap performances at Her Majesty's Theatre-an institution, by theand si one to are i es t theal es,
'way, which Hn MAJAESTY had shown great discrimination in abando'n- quite in the middle. They immediately indulge in frightful panto-
u lg bce t h is rn Tvere t r e i le. admi d co thse hmime to attract his attention; which is, to say the least, unnecessary,
ing long before her retirement from public fe. Of course, these as he is already directed to his seat, to which he makes his way, dis-
remarks do not apply to an artist of such rare qualifications, both as a turbing the whole row of people in front of whom he passes, without a
singer and an actress, ars Mmeze. Tb ns, who is at present quite un- word of apology; which is, of course, unnecessary, because he is in
rivalled on the lyric stage; nor, in fact, do we wish to say anything evening dress.
but what is laudatory of Mn. SANTL EY, MnE. SNicoe, or SI. GARDONI;
but we must protest against the shameful way in which th e e operas We don't care whether the opera be the incomparable Fidelo, or the
given at cheap prices are placed before the public. First, as regards very charming Faust, the result is th se same; for both are miserably
the cheapness, the only great gain is on the part of those who go to the executed. The orchestra is excellent, as we have already said, as is
stalls or dress circle; but to the more economical portion of the also the singing of one or two artistes, but the chorus, the dances, and
musical public it is no very great advantage to be admitted to those the scenery are all soao arranged as to give you the idea that some
vilely arranged gallery stalls at a reduction of a shilling, and to be Hebrew speculator has got the theatre cheap for a few nights, and
privileged to undergo a process of cooking before that awfully ugly having engaged a few good artists, has left the getting up of the
chandelier at four shillings a-head! We will merely make a passing operas ttake its ch ance. In vain may o u. Tinmus sving and acte
remark on the brigandage which is rife at the top of the stairs, where superbly if the chorus be out of time and out of tune. In vain does
canes and umbrellas are seized by a gang of privileged depredators; to the orchestra play the charming music of the Ifermesse, when not two
recover which articles, at the end of the performance, you are jostled, of the dancers are in time. It is useless to impose on an artist who is
crowded, and detained, to say nothing of being compelled to pay! We suffering from cold, a task that would be beyond his powers even if he
will imagine, then, that we have paid our money beforehand, and are, were perfectly well. The whole affair bears the aspect of being got
therefore free to mount those rickettyr stairs, and pass through those up, very like the famous razors, "to sell "-the British public.
dingy passages, which suggest to the mind how the place would burn No doubt, to most of those who go to "Cheap Performances," the
if it got a chance. We have reached our seat, and what with being opera is the opera, and that's enough. It sotinds well to say you've
fried by the chandelier, and having our head blown off, by a been, and it looks well to go in a red cloak and a wreath ; and as to
sliding door being constantly opened and shut during the first hour, the music that is quite a secondary consideration, provided always you
we are fairly comfortable! Pass we on to consider the opera: the can say that TITIENs and SANTLEY sang. The management is aware
tenor, whose name looks well in the bill, but who has figured there of this; but must also be aware that such performances as those with
from time to time in the memory of opera-goers for many years, has a which it has favoured us are calculated to disgust all true lovers of
severe cold, and there is an apology for him, which we read whilst music; and have done much to lower Her Majesty's Theatre in the
the orchestra is tuning. The overture is played admirably; and in estimation of those who would wish to be its patrons.

VOL. Ii. X


[NOVEMBER 4, 1865.


not being received
very cordially. The
Times welcomes him
with a hug like that
of a boar; you fancy
S you hear his ribs
cracking-and nobody
seems very delighted
to hear of his prefer-
ment. And yet we
ought to be-for it re-
moves him from that
temptation of pen and
ink which was always

-of th some attention drawnce.
MR. CHRISTIE, the in-
spector of nuisances,
appears to be the in-
carnation of all that a
Board of Guardians
could desire. A child
E-V-- M died in one of night
houses which have
been, so the evidence
stated, in a most insalubrious condition for eight years. Ml. CHRISTIE
" can't help that"-he only goes and reports when he is "called in."
" Was it your duty," says the coroner, "to attend only where there
was a complaint Observe the way in which the inspector dodges
the question. My instructions were to attend on those who made
complaints." Yes, MRit. CHRISTIE, but not onl on those-you have
eyes, sir, and should be able to see and attend to other cases, unless
you want to make us believe that complaints are so numerous, your
whole time is taken up with them ; in which case the parish does you
credit, as an inspector of nuisances of some years standing! The
coroner learns that the neighbourhood has not been inspected for
ton months, and says this state of things will not satisfy the public if
it does the vestry. Then speaks the parochial mind, in the person of
MR. CHRISTIE, "I have nothing to do with the public. I do not care
whether the public are satisfied or not. You should go and do it your-
self!" That, Ma. CuRISTIE, is rude, you know-and what is more,
stupid, for if you don't care for the public the public will care for you,
and the results may be unpleasant. And the public quite agrees with
the jury's verdict and its addendum :-
And the jurors do further say that the conduct of MR. CHRISTIF, t110 inspector
of nlisances, is reprehensible for neglect of duty."
THE parochial mind is wonderfully constituted! The other day
there was a fatal accident in the Marylebono-road, and it was alleged
at the inquest that the state of the road at that part was disgraceful,
and the jury "presented" the St. Pancras Vestry to Du. LANKESTER
accordingly. Whereupon there is a meeting of the vestry, and a great
clucking and cackling, as of a body of respectable turkeys-and an
exhibition of about as much sense and temper as you would expect of
those birds. This conclave of nobodies take it into their heads that
the coroner and the jury have a spite against them, and protest,
and abuse, and justify in the most absurd manner. And then
they go and look at the road-with their eves shut-and declare it to be
"the best bit of paving in all London!"' If they had not been in-
competent noodles they must have seen that this excess of praise rather
damages their case. IHowever, because they choose to believe that a
coroner, who knows them only by their worls, has a personal grudge
against them, the road will be left as it is until another accident
occurs there. A noble thing is the parochial mind !
ArSTriA and Prussia, encouraged by their success in Denmark, are
about to repeat the performance. The little free town of Frankfort-
on-the-Maine allowed the t. ..ur-.. :, of German Deputies to assemble,
and the two bullies protest against its freedom in so doing, and
threaten to take its government into their own hands. The plucky
little town is going to give them a smart answer-they may have
might on their side, but Frankfort has Maine-and is right in the
main too.
As Christmas draws near sundry single line advertisements in the
papers set people puzzling. For the last few days everybody has been

busy about "Everybody's Business." I wonder whether "Every-
body's Business" is to look after Somelody's L., .-.. I rather
guess there's a connection. But then "Rates and i What is
the meaning of that ? I call it cruel: we shall all have our Christmas
bills in, and those dreadful claims for rates and taxes will be among
theai. What it it is to be I can't guess-a book, I suppose. Yes, but
what about ? I have tried to find out, and have heard of its being the
work of various people-of a gentleman connected with the bar, in
which case it might be a legal handbook; of one connected with a
public department, in which case it might be an official publication
touching the revenue; of a dramatist, when it might be a sensation
drama with a hero with the water cut off ; of gentlemen connected with
a comic, a daily, and an evening paper, in which case it might be a
collection of essays and leaders or anything. But I suppose we shall
learn in time.
The winter art campaign is about to commence. Ma. WALLIS has
removed his exhibition to Suffolk-street, and MR. GAMEBART opens an
exhibition of his own at the French Gallery, and rather disingenuously
calls it "the thirteenth" instead of "the first" exhibition. Both are
filled with good works by the best artists of the day.

HoN. MA. W.-I am going to Australia, so I shall go and learn
how to shoe a horse, [Exit Hson. Mr. FW.
Music-"Harmonious Blacksmith."
ToM RoB soN.-I am a thief.
JOSEPis.-I am a poor boy, and have stolen a potato !
Music-" Still so gently o'er me stealing."
GEORGE FIELDING.-I love Sewsan Merton, but I am a beggar.
.Enter MR. MEnTON.
AiERTON.-I cannot allow my Sewsan to marry a beggar.
Music-" Haste to the Wedding."
GEoRGE.-Monster of Ingratitude!
Music-"Blow, blow, thou wintry wind."
MEwRTOx.-Earn a thousand pounds, and you shall have her!
EORGE.-Agreed !
Music-" Give me your hand."-Bohemtian Girl.
WILLIAM.-George, borrow some money for me!
GEORGE.-.No one will lend me any.
WILLIAM.-Then fight! They fight.
Music-"Battle of Prague."
SEWSAN.-Don't! [They don't.
MlEADows.-T am a villain, and I love Sewsan.
CRAWLEY.-I am his tool. Where shall we all go to ?
MEADOWS.-Levi, you must turn out of your house on Lady-day.
LEVI.-Leave my home!
Music-" Home sweet home!"
LEVI.-Then may the old man's cuss, &c., &c.
._ TWUM wu

GEORGE.-I shall go to Australia, and earn a thousand pounds.
Music-" To the West!"
SEWSAN.- Don't!
EORGE.-Yes, I shall. [Goes to Australia.
Music-"Off, off, said the stranger."
MEADows.-Crawley, he is loved by Sewsan-go after him and
blight his plans. Draw on me for 1,200 a year.
CRAWLEY.-YeS.. Where shall we all go to [Goes to Australia.
Music-" Cheer, boys, cheer !"
Enter Officers of Justice.
OFF. or J.-Robinson, you are wanted for a burglary; Josephs,
you are wanted for a potato. [[They arrest T. R. and Joseph.
Music-" Call me not unkind, Robin."

NOVEMBER 4,1865.] F 1U N 73

ACT II.-A Prison.
Enter HAWES (the Governor), a JAILER, and JOSEPHS, a convict
numbered 215.
JAILER.-215 has blown his nose.
HAWES.-It's against the silent system, Cut off his gas.
Music-" The light of other days has faded."
215.-Oh, don't!
HAWES.-What! Dare to expostulate ? Bread and water for seven
215.-It's very hard on a poor boy, sir!
HAWES.-You scoundrel, how dare you ? Take away his bed for
Music-" In going to my lonely bed."
215.-Oh! sir. And all for stealing a potato!
H.wEs.-What again ? Strait jacket for life !
215.-It's killing me, sir !
HAWES.-I know it is. It's the system. Give him nothing to eat
any more, and strap him to a wall. [They strap him to a wall.
Music-" Stone walls do not a prison make."
Enter a CURATE.
A CURATE.-For shame! [Exit a Curate.
HAwEs.-You are an interfering scoundrel. [Exit Hawes.
Music-" Pray Goody."
Enter Tor ROBINSON, a Convict.
T. R.-I am confined in a stone cell, fastened with several gigantic
bolts and chains, but with the aid of a bit of string I can manage to
get out of it whenever I please. Here is a paving stone which has
been accidentally dropped in my cell. I will smash HAWES with it.
Music-" Here in cool grot and mossy cell."
Enter a CURATE.

A CURATE.-Don't.
T. R.-No, your reverence.
215.-Oh! I am choking.
T. R.-I will set you free!
Enter a Curate.

[Exit a Curate.

[Sets him free.

A CURATE.-He is dying.
215.-It's very hard-they gave me seven years' penal servitude for
stealing a potato !
A CUaATE.-Repent your hideous crimes.
215.-I do! [He does.
Enter HA'WES.

HAWES.-He is shamming!
215.-I die!

Music-" Death of Nelson."
A CURATE.-Mr. -lAWES, there is your discharge !
HAwEs.-Discharged and by a curate !
TABLEAU !-Music-" Fare thee well, and if for ever."


GEORGE.-I am unlucky. My sheep have the cattle disease.
Music-" When the heart of a man."
FAITHFUL BLACK.-Golly, massa, dat berry much rather dam un-
Enter TOM Ro INsoN, a Ticket-of-leave ilian.
T. R.-Don't you know me ?
GEORGE.-Yes, you are Tom Robinson, the desperate burglar.
T. R.-But you will love me nevertheless ?
GEORGE.-I will. [Loves hiim.
Music-" Love not-the thing you love must die."
T. R.-There is gold on your estate. Let us find it!
GEORGE.-We will.
FAITHFUL B.-Golly, massa, black feller knows where find big
yaller stone. 'Pose black feller find yaller stone big as white feller's
head, what'll white feller gib black feller? Yah! yah !
T. R.-If you find me a lump of gold as big as my head, I will (in a
burst of generosity)-yes, I will give you A 0ox OF LUCIFE MATCHES!
FAITHFUL B.-Golly, golly 'Pose you wait a bit, buccra mass!
[Finds a lumltp of gold, weighing several tons.
T. R.-The matches are yours.
Music-" Take, oh take."
CRAWLEaY.-I have seen them take a nugget worth millions. I will
steal it, and then George will not be able to marry Sewsan.
Music-" Wedding March."
ACT IV.-F ARN o 0RnoV O I.
SCENE I.-fecadows' HI-ouse.
MEADOWS.-I am going to marry Sewsan to morrow. I have
stopped all George Fielding's letters, and spread the report that he
has married an aborigine.
CRAWLEY.-I have just returned from Australia. Fielding has
found an enormous nugget, and is in this very village.

M EADOWS.-Confusion Is it worth a thousand pounds?
CRAWLEY.-lHe has sold it for seven thousand.
MIEADOWS.-Then I will go and steal it from him.
Music-" Nix my dolly."
[A pande opens amt ILaac Leri is discorered illttninated biy line hlht.]
CRAWLEY.-Gracious ; there is a ghost! [ll'tnl clisrs.
Music-" A horrible tale."
Enter 11 EaDnows, pale.
MEADOWs.-There is the seven thousand. Tako it, and go to
CRAWLEY.-Yes. [Takes it, and goes to Fratte.
Music-" Je vais revoir ma Normantldic."
ScENE If.--The village, wilth church in t/i horizon.
SEWS.AN.--I am going to marry Meadows to day.
M3EADoWS.-Ah, Sewsan, come and be married !
[]'Enter lads and lasses. Church bells ring a merry pral.
GEORGE.-Not so. I am here to claim you, SeN san !
SEwsAN.-But, perfidious fiend, you tare already married!
SEWSAN.-Oh [Falls into his arms.
MiEADOws.-Foiled! (To villagers) Tell them to stop those infernal
(The bells, which are several miles of, in an adjoining county, are stopped
POLICE.MAN.-Meadows, you are wanted for stealing 7,000.
MEADOWS.-1Ha! Prove it!
Enter CRAWLEY, i' custody.
CRAWLEY.-IHe gave me the money.
letter ISAAC LEvI.
LEVI.-Remark the determined behaviour of an implacable Tsrael ite.
Ile turned me from my home, so for seven years I have lived bricked
up in one of the walls with no other companion than a solitary lut
effective lime-light; and there I have patiently awaited ani opportunity
for detecting him in his crimes. I saw him give the notes to Crawley !
ToM RoI NsoN.-That being the case, it will at onco be patent to
everybody that

No better locality than the Egyptian Hall could be found for the
Sphinx. It would have been out of pince in lIhe Guildhall, or
at the South Kensington Museum. In the stont quarries of' tho
British Museum it might have found an appropriate residence, nind
congenial society, but still the Egyptian llall, Piccadilly, has about it a
solemn air of architectural elephantiasis which reminds the beholders
of Ptolemy, the Nile, papyrus, and mummies most especially.
Not that the Sphinx now exhibiting near St. James's Park lihas the
remotest connection with that remarkable thing, which was either
animal, vegetable, or mineral, or all three combined, and which-if
we remember rightly, had the head of an owl, the body of comet" port,
and tihe legs of an American abolitionist. On the contrary, thn new
Sphinx resembles a closely-shaved head of one of that ingenuous race
spoken of by Mu. DISRAELI as Caucasian, and known to the observer
Unlearned in ethnology as sharp practitioners in the negotiation of
bills, or the sale of old clothes, new lemons, sponges, French lrints,
and mosaic jewellery.
The new Sphinx lives, when Ihe is at home, in a small green box,
that COLONEL STODARE, tlhe clover prestidigitateur, ventriloquist, and
Bengal basketeer, places on a table, the legs of which are visible to
the naked eye, as to the double-barrelled opera-glass. The spectator
sees an Egyptian head, the eyes and lips closed and compressed. At
the word of command from the gallant colonel, given in the trumpet-
tone, which ere that gallant officer laid down the sword and took up
the conjurer's baton, battalions obeyed, the Sphinx opens its Yyes,
turns its head from right to left, and smiles. Imagine a Sphinx
smiling! The notion of the usual prim audience at Exeter liall
singing Slap bang" would be nothing to it, and then it speaks, in
a deep, measured tone, and with a cadence that would remind us of
tragedians but that it emphasises the proper words, and seems to under-
stand what it is saying. Why do they not engage it at one of our
national theatres? Its performance is extremely meritorious, and
short, and in the language of the ancestors of Artemus Ward, well
worth the money alone for to see." We advise everybody to go and
see it who is fond of Sphinxes, and it has this great merit over the
Sphinxes of antiquity that it does not ask riddles, and eats nobody
up, except with curiosity to know how it is done.


[NOVEMBER 4, 1865.

From an unpublished Edition of LORD DERBY'S Howcr.*
The groves of Woburn had been reared when young-
Those ancient groves of oak, where legends tell
A rustle breathed the name he loves so well-
Strode to tho shield that mirrored back his charms,
And with assurance donned the hero's arms.
Ah, hapless youth, unused to arms like those,
Not such you wielded when you slew your foes,
No sword and lance your right arm waved, but still
The bill-the whole bill-nothing but the bill.
In vain her warning wink Minerva plied,
Alas! the goddess ne'er had been his guide-
The nymphs of -Woburn saw the sight with pain
And flooded with their tears th' adjacent plain.
First the huge breastplate on his breast he placed,
And then the backpiece, and together laced.
As in a wooden cone the Sandwich strides,
With puffing posters pasted on its sides,
While draughts about his lumbar regions play,
And pouring rain gets in the other way,
Because the wooden cone is all too wide-
So stood Patroclus, that cuirass inside ]
Then raised the ponderous gleaming helm aloft
Whose tossing plume has terrified so oft,
In mortal combat the presumptuous foes-
And it descended to his lordly nose.
So have you seen upon the mushroom wick
Of tallow dip, in a flat candlestick,
It is generally supposed that his lordship has translated Heomer in blank verse,
but this, as will be seen from our quotation, is an error.

The huge extinguisher at once descend,
And bring its feeble flickering to an end.
Next in its order carefully he braced
The sturdy falchion round his puny waist-
Thus, fully armed, equipped at every point,
No strap unbuckled and no gaping joint
The groat Achilles he was wont to see-
But thought he graced the arms as well as he.
Meantime stout Hector, whom Achilles' might,
Had often made the unwelcome dust to bite,
Beheld Patroclhis in such warlike gear,
Smiled in his heart and griped his cruel spear.

HERE'S a chance! What do our readers say to this?
SINECURE, 150 a Year. Consideration nominal.-Applications, by letter only,
to Mr. M. P- Teddington, Middlesex.
Generous Mr. M. P. He knows where a hundred and fifty pounds
a year will be paid a man for doing nothing and yet does not grasp it
for himself, but nobly offers it to the world at large. Consideration
nominal, indeed !-his consideration for the wants of others is remark-
able, glorious, transcendental (whatever that means), and makes one
almost believe in human nature. By the way Teddington is a fishing
place and people, we have heard, catch flounders there. Now the
flounder is a flat-fish.

A FAiMEi, writing to a daily paper the other day, apropos of the
Rinderpest, said,
"mSir,-If any one wants to see a cow cured of the plague, please refer them to

Does he mean he is a cow, or is it only a bull ?



F- UJ N .-NOVEMBER 4, 1865.

-K ~


NOVEMBER 4, 1865.]


OF all the awdacious swindles as ever I mknow'd it's the wust, and
as for law and justice why they're downright humbug, as the sayin'
is, for whatever is the use of a-goin' to law, as is only made for to
protect them thieves.
As to that old McDAwDLER, why if hangin' ain't too good for him
my name ain't MARTHA, for to come here a-cantin' and a-crawlin' and
a-sayin' as he wasn't one for to overcharge nor overreach thro' a-bein'
constant at his chapel, as I says to him, "You'd better prove by your
actions than all your talk about thro' bein' a deacon, like one as I
know'd as was tried at the Old Bailey hisself, and got fifteen year for
forgerin', and serve him right, as wronged the widder and the
orphan thro' his cantin' ways, as is the large chapel down close to
where I lived in the Commercial-road, as you might hear the singin'
clear of a summer evening' a-settin' in my back garden, as is no doubt
good sort of people, with the minister that fat as to make you think
as it was easy times with him, tho' a large family, as was well brought
up I should say, except the boys, as was that wild, and I've heard say
got out of a night thro' the washus window a-goin' to plays and music
halls after prayers, as is very proper things in their places, not as I
hold with crammin' too much down young people's throats, as is apt
for to act deceitful, and all three come to the bad, as broke the poor
mother's heart, as some say did used to encourage them boys on the
sly unbeknown to the minister, as is a thing as will come home to
every mother as does it.
I'm sure when I see that old wagabone's bill, as were a yard long, I
couldn't make nothing' on it till BRowN come in, as says as he were a old
Scotch cobbler, which if I'd a-lmow'dI wouldn't have had nothing' to
do with him, for I can't a-bear them Scotch thro' not a-holdin' with
foreigners of no persuasions, as is all alike, palaver to your face and
serpints all the while twisting' round your wery witals, as I've read
about myself.
I'm sure there's no more to show for that twelve pounds, as I says
to the judge I says, "My lord," I says, "if you will but step down to
my place," I says, and judge for yourself as the work is disgraceful
and nothing' finished, and as to that washus shetter, why it's a down-
right defacement to the back premises, as is laid down in flags, with
sixteen shillin's for painting' that waterbut, as runs disgraceful,
a-keepin' the place a constant flood, and not able to cross without
But I know'd how it would be when he come in that evening ,
decided a little on, a smilin' treacherous just like them Scotch, and
BRowN a-losin' of his temper and a-sayin' as he'd precious soon kick
him out, as is hurtful to the feeling's, as I should not like myself; not
as he did ought for to have summoned me like that, as BROWN says,
"Pay the old thief." But I says, No," I says, "I give the orders,
and will see 'em righted if I dies for it," as I nearly did, for of all the
stiflin' places as ever I was in it was that court.
When I see that 'oary-'eaded old sinner a-standin' there a-swearin'
them falsehoods, it give me that turn that I couldn't keep my temper.
So I says to the party as were a-conductin' my case, as he called it, I
says, "Excuse me, Mu. OPKINs," as were his name thro' begin' a
lawyer, as they called a turney, as I says to the young man at the
court, as says, Where's your turned ? I says, Whatever do you
mean ? thro' never hearing' tell of them afore, as was only a lawyer
after all, but that's the wust of them places, they do talk that rubbish
a-purpose for to take you in I believe. Well, as I was a-sayin', I
says to MR. OIrxms, I says, "Excuse me, but that party is a mask of
falsehood and deceits, as did ought to be put in the pillery," as well I
remembers seeing' a indiwiddle exposed myself, as was hooted and
pelted that dreadful, as served him right, not as I remembers what
he'd done, but no doubt he was put there for his good behaviour.
As to that judge, it's my opinion as he wanted for to get home to
his tea, for of all the hurry and skurry as he kep' on a-makin' seemed
for to confuse everybody, and hearing' of different parties as kep'
a-talkin', and as to that laundress having' to replace them things, I
calls it shameful, as she produced the little boy's nightgownd in court
as yaller as a guinea, and tore down the front, as I know they will do
with their pranks, and says as all the linen was like that as she'd had
cut from the back of the cart, as certainly was her own carelessness,
but not worth a pound as they put it at, with a sick husband, and to
have to pay it weekly presses hard when Saturday comes.
I see as that judge were a temper thro' havin' of red whiskers, as is
in general a sign as you can tell, specially where it spreads to the nose,
and the way he spoke to every one it was' downright' disgraceful,
and even a-tellin' old McDAWDLER for to speak quick, as is impossible
thro' that Scotch bein' that drawlin' stuff.
As to me, bless you, he snapped my nose off every time, as tried for
to get in a word edgeways, as the sayin' is.
What aggrawated me most was my lawyer as set there quiet, and
wouldn't tell that old willing as he was a perjed ippercrit, as I kep'
a-nudgin' him for to do.

N. 77

LWell, if this here old Scotch thief didn't up and swear as I'd give
him orders for a new safe, whereas all as I said was, "MR.
McDAwD .zE," a-treatin' him respectful, if you was to put in new
zinc sides to the old one, and put it on four legs," thro' itbein' one for
to hang up, as I hadn't no place for, with a now shelf inside and the
bottom repaired, and painted fresh all over, why, it would do very
But when I come to see the bill I was struck dumb; and well I re-
member the time as I give him the order thro' it's bein' a Toosday
and pouring' with rain, and thro' a-seein' him that damp offers him a
little sperrits thro' his bein' elderly, as the cold might strike to, and
for to turn on me like that, a-sayin' afore the judge and all as I was
a-settin' alone a-doin' of my drains, as made 'em all laugh, and put
me up as I couldn't contain myself, as the sayin' is.
So I ups and says, "My lord." "Set down," says he.
"I won't," says I, "for I've got a character," I says, "like your
own for to lose, and I ain't a-goin' to have my life swore away by that
willanous old swindler." "Hold your tongue," says my lawyer.
What," I says, you turn agin me as I'm a-payin' out of my own
pocket." "Turn that old woman out," says the judge, a-forgottin'
hisself gross, as roused me up like a lion in King DANIEL's den.
So I says, You're a wile set of swindlin' thieves," I says, "as is
all of a piece. But," I says, do your wust, and I've got friends as
will show you up." Come out," says a party.
"Who are you a-talkin' to F says I. "I'll pretty soon show you,"
says he; and if he didn't bring in a policeman.
So I says, My lord," I says, I am a lady as is not used to be so
treated." I says, "If I've hurt your feeling's I says, a-bendin' like
to him, when, law bless you, I was seized like tigers behind, and tore
wiolent out of the place.
It was all done in a minute like, and out comes that lawyer chap
a-scowlin' and says, It's give agin you, as was your own fault thro'
a-behavin' like that."
Like what ? says I. Why," he says, insulinn the judge, as
it's well for you as it ain't the one as is here in general, or he'd a
committed you."
I says, "I should like to have seen him dare commit anything of
the sort;" and if his expenses wasn't over a pound, and really I was
more dead than alive, as the sayin' is, and it's lucky as I didn't get
robbed, for the place was filled with them low-lived characters as
I can't a-bear to be among.
What put me out was that lawyer's impudence as told me that it
was all my own fault as the case was lost, a-sayin' as if I'd kep'
quiet and spoke proper as something' would have been took off the bill,
as I don't believe a word on, for I see as the judge were a-wotin' for
old McDAWDLER all the time, thro' bein' Scotch hissolf, as I was told
arterwards, as will always stick together, and what one says theq
other'll swear to, as can't be right.
As I told old McDAWDLER, I says, for I met him as he was a-comin'
out of that court a-grinnin' like a Cheshire cat, as the sayin' is, I says,
Ill-gotten gains blows nobody any good, and," I says, you mark
my words, if my money don't bring you sorrow by the ladlefull."
Little did I think as it was so soon to come true, not as I wished him
any harm, not in my heart, only felt that wexed at bein' so done, and
never should a-thought as he'd a-left the glue-pot a-bilin' in his
workshop, as is gross carelessness, with the place that full of shavin's
as burntin course like tinder,'and his little grandchild nearly a-perishin'
in the flames, and him at his club, with his wife a-havin' a talk with
a neighbour when the flames busted out all over the place.
So you never don't ketch me a-prophecyin' no misfortunes to nobody
no more, as might have fell on a innocent head, as was rescued by the
fireman a-hearin' of its screams, tho' as to that old McDAWDLEU, they
do say as he set the place a-fire hisself, as the parties where he was
insured could a-proved in court, as he never dared to show his face
thro' them judges a-knowin' no doubt, thro' the way he'd served me,
as he was one as would swear anything, and went round for a sub-
scription, a-sayin' as he'd lost all his tools, as I'm sure was perfect
useless, for of all the botchers as ever you see. But BuowN he says
as it's all my fault a-follerin' the man about a-orderin' things, and
I'm sure if you don't stand over them nothing' ain't done; so what-
ever are you to do, for if they don't rob you one way they will

I CANNOT think what you intend
In saying you have not a friend-
Unless my sight, which is not short, errs,
While on your legs, you've two supporters!

WHY should CHANG be insured against hunger ?-Because he can
always manufacture a chop."

i NOVEIM BER 4, 1865.

73 FUN.


/ ERE now! let me be a little, for
my heart is dull as lead,
Swift have I returned to Lon-
S\ don, and I find the Drama
S:Pheasant covers, croquit-
parties, I have left (and, ah !
such eyes!)
"AN Y Shouting, "Where is gay ex-
citement ?" Echo simply
S"Whero ?" replies.
In the autumn towns provincial
actors, ever active, quit,
In the autumn youths light-
hearted struggle to the stuffy
Every autumn gloom and gas-
light find us in dramatic
London managers, in autumn,
I t 4. ought to bring out some-
4t thing good.
S' Is it well to make me savage?
S when you know I execrate
Groans of a degraded drama
which men call legitimate.
S\ '-. Cursed be such social humbug,
turning pleasure into pain-
Cursed be one weary evening
when I slept at Drury Lane.

Sils th.e t ynt another instance of a now degraded school-
Turn I then to that Princess's where sensation is the rule.
Better thou and I were eating young green peas with two-pronged
Than beholding scenes disgusting-hideous nightmares born of pork !
Falsest of all fancy titles is the play, Lore levels all.
1,Ised on morals so degrading that one shudders in one's stall.
Never comes a point-for ever wearily the speeches flag :
Tired's the word, till fustian passion brings Tom TAxLOR to his tag.
Once I bore it; all my nature fired by Ivan Khor's caresses,
-Now, alas my lovesomo countess wears dilapidated dresses.-
I, to gaze at classic MENKEN, vacant of her woman's dress!
Shall I pin my faith to posters and a trumpeted success ?
What is this ? my wrath is heavy, think not I am turned a fool,
I have visions of a SoTHEreN, and a too-long absent TOOLE.
Maybe I am termed censorious, that my growling is a bore,
Don't I love my CIlALIE 1MATTHEWS ? don't I worship NELLY MoonRE ?
Coimrades, leave me now a little, let me weep my drama dead,
Just one "chop and stout at PADDY's, and then sulky home to bed.
Draws my poem to its margin-I must finish it and bolt ;
SDramna's all but past-deplore it, for the stage is on the moult.
Tauig it all, the theatres pall! But, rain or heat or frost or snow,
WIhun a decent piece arises, please to tell me, and I'll go !

IT has long been a complaint that we have no epic poem of the
19th century. That complaint must cease now. The author of the
Lo.inoHiad has supplied the desideratum of the age. This remarkable
work gives a full description of the principal establishments in the
capital of England." It would appear at first sight that such a per-
f.ieamince could be only a series of puffs of tradesmen, but a glance at
it dispels any such idea M; i. JAnM.Rs 'TORIINGTON SPIENCEIe LIDSTONE
(he couldn't help being a poet with so many names) has exerted his
miuse oin tradcmen who are not met with among the usual large and
rcsl:cetablc advertisers, and the quality of his "poems" is such that
it would be ridiculous to suppose any- one would venture to offer such
a poet any remuneration. Our space will unfortunately not allow us
to quote largely from the ILon bdiad, or we would extract at leng the t
praises of a fitm of chemists who
On the storm of competition looked calm and placid,
Elnouwn for tihe superiority of their Gallic acid."'


and whose
worth itself discloses
In pure chemicals for photographic purposes."
or we would give in extenso an ode which says :-
.. .-, ,, : .r ,-. .1 ,.... ..- ,-: in Rom e's m eridian day,
.... ri I ... le in the cradle lay;
S, -, ., have bees as attributes,
Bees have charmed bright lyres and themes and woke the sweetest flutes,
But now I strike a newer note and wake the loudest shell
For a hero rising into fame, unique of Clerkenwell."*
One quatrain, however, we must give our readers entire:-
P.S.-I could not suspend even for an hour the forceful lyre,
Nor bid the muse rest with any degree of propriety,
Without a personal notice here of Jon Moon, Esq.,
Fellow of the Anthropological Society."
and another:-
I took some of his Shaving Cream once to SIR JOHn COLBORNE,
Who thanked me and ordered more from King-street in Holborn.
I e ,nc l .n n'me to th' nephews of England's much'loved primate,
i i. .1 and found it fit for any climate."
If this is not poetry we should like to know what is. But our author's
prose is very exalted too :-
P.S.-TlI.r :1.. :. ...I .'.en of humanity, prince of millionaires, the Honour-
able BII.I.A 1 ., i i'r .1., far-famed City of the Bay, would do well to use and
by so doing generally introduce the products of into Upper Canada."
He is full of information too-not only about the addresses of trades-
men, but on various topics:-
"P.S.-Experiments made by me, in conjunction with a few scientific men, and
what those observations demonstrated of what the Instrument is composed, etc.,
will be shortly published"
The following piece of information will be new to most people:-
Jona CEIGHrTON, of Kingston, C.W., he himself set up the poem written by me
for that-I suppose I must say-City, it having been a former capital of the pro-
vince, a copy of which will be found in the British Museum."
We did not know the Museum contained a copy of the province of
Western Canada. When our author says that some subjects are "too
trady for a poem on Art," the reader will not be surprised to find how
he can soar on the theme of biscuits:-
"Maccaroons, Maizena, which doth ye Western Lands adorn,
Medium (9 kinds), Orange, Rock, Oriental, and Osborne,
With Presburg and Ratafias, the Minstrel might fill a
Vol., Hail Raspberry, Shrewsbury, Soiree, and Vanilla,
Plain Arrowroot, Albert, Brighton, those known as Brown College,
I ne'er saw them surpassed nor equalled to my knowledge."
These poems abound in classical and other references; the poet
wanders from the antique-
Midst wrial revellings and pomp I did sight a
Transpaccous bridal train led by HIrroLITrr."
to the scientific-
Microscopic objects here the ardent minstrel sees,
And Fossil Diatonactem from thousand localities."
the beautiful-
Aurora Borealis
Sent their flashing light through the dome of a fairy palace."
and the majestic-
Careering now the muse of science rides on the western gale,
And entrances distant nations with the BROTHERS SMALE."
We congratulate the 19th century on having at last found its bard,
who will, to quote his own words (applied to the Mayor of Buffalo),
hand it down
Clad in the deathless splendours of your poet's lay."
Well might the inhabitants of Buffalo (including a plumber, a currier,
an upholsterer, a lumberer, and a coachbuilder) present this great man
with an address when he withdrew from among them!
"P.S." (to borrow a figure the bard loves).-We see it stated on the
cover that the book contains pieces of some of the most celebrated
personages in the United Kingdom"-as we don't find them in our
copy, we suppose they must have fallen out. Perhaps the author will
rectify this-we should like our piece out of a living celebrity,
a l'iAbyssiniene. 1We see he has cut up a few tradesmen-probably
those who wouldn't pay for a puff-we bog pardon, a blast on the
trumpet of fame, but he needn't send a slice of them.

Not Quite .
DEAR FN.-A man in Vienna was caught trying to throw a
Hebrew baby into the Danube in order to preserve himself from
cholera. If it had been at Berlin I could have made a joke-in fact a
little Jew do Spree. If I had would you have inserted it ?
WTHY is Fenianism hot ? Becanse it is '98 in the shade.
It is only fair to tihe reader to say the hero is a stereoscope-maker.


NOVEMBEn 4, 1865.]


RUSSELL.-Yes; on that point I am sure we are all agreed, and so are
all the honest men in Europe; but now we must really get to business.
I had brought down a little essay on the British Constitution with me
-but I seem to have mislaid it. At any rate it '11 keep.
GLADSTONE.-Anxious to agree with your lordship on every point, I
really think it will.
RUSSELL.-Now, of course, you know, we are extremely strong in
the House of Lords.
CLARENDON.-Yos. You don't object to smoking, by the bye, do
you? You do ? Pity; you shouldn't. Yes ; we are strong-
especially at the Foreign Office.
RUSSELL.-True; and I shall look in occasionally and write a little
despatch myself.
CLARENDON (sotto voce).-The deuce you will!
SOMERSET.-Then we couldn't be better off as regards the navy.
RUSSELL.-No. By the bye, of course, I shall often drop in at
Somerset House. You know that joke of SYDNEY SMITH'S? Channel
fleet, and so on ? But, quite seriously, I have long wanted to have
a little to do with the management of the iron-clads. I flatter
SOMERSET (sotto voce).-Yes; it's a way you've got!
DE GREY.-The War Office, I take it, is all right.
RussELL.-Couldn't be better. By-the-bye, I've got a few altera-
tions to make in the Articles .f War. I'll take Pall Mall on my way
GLADsToNE.-Invariably anxious to coincide with your lordship, so
will I.
GRANV LLE.-Whon they do agree, their unanimity is wonderful-
and apropos des bottes, I wish you'd all dine with me on Monday.
Delighted to see you, I'm shaw. Picked up an idea or two in Paris,
by the bye, that I rather think you'd like, CLARENDON., Illustrious
personage gave me some wonderful weeds. Delighted to offer you
one, I'm shaw, only RUSSELL don't like smoking in business hours.
He's quite wrong!
RUSSELL.-Really, my dear GRANViLLE, this desultory conversation
is quite contrary to all precedent. Do you imagine that the late MR.
GRANVILLE.-Connu I beg pardon. Pray proceed.
RUSSELL.-I am obleeged. Oh! yes. I was going to observe that
we are terribly weak in the Commons. Of course I can help, adminis-
tratively; but what we want is debating power.
GLADSTONE.-Deeply impressed with the necessity of concord at
such a crisis, I would echo your lordship's remark-We do /
Sin GEORGE GaEY.-I can really see no reason--
GRANVILLE.-Just so, you know. That's exactly what the people
complain of ?
SIR CHARLES WOOD.-Well, for my own part, I don't know-
RUSSELL.-Quite true, CHARLES; but I'll attend to the real business
of the India Office myself.
WOOD (deliflited).-Will you, though ? Well now, that's what I call
really kind; for what with the war in Bhootan, and what with the
caves of Elephanta, and what with the ryots, and Rohilcunds, and
palanquins, and sirdars, and what with LAWRENCE always complaining
that I interfere with his policy, when goodness knows I really mean
no harm, and what with Cape Comorin, and--
DUKE OFr ARGYLL.-Has it never occurred to this assembly that the
true panacea for the troubles of Hindostan would be to have at the
India Office a statesman young in years, but old in experience, a
contributor to Good Words, and a countryman of the late LORD CLYDE ?
RUSSELL.-No, I confess it hasn't. At least, not to mne.
GLADSTONE.-I think we shall get on capitally together! No, nor
to me.
RUSSELL.-IWell, we must look out for some new recruits.
GREY.-Excellent! I happen to have a relation who-
GLADSTONE.-No, hang it all! I beg pardon-but that won't do.
JOHN BULL'S pretty patient; but he wouldn't stand any more of that!
Now; you must get new men: men with brains-no offence, Woon.
WooD.-Oh, no, quite the contrary. The remark couldn't apply to
me, you know; for what with land-settlement and what with-
GLADSTONE.-Exactly. I mean men like GOSCuEN, like FORSTEn,
like STAXSFIELD; aye, or MILL himself, if he'd serve. We want to
get the whole brain of the country with us.
RUSSELL.-There is, undoubtedly, great advantage in community of
action; and if you like, GLADSTONE, I think I have a few notions
about the next Budget that perhaps--
GLADSTONE.-Well, we'll talk of that by and bye.

A NEW omnibus has made its appearance under the name of The
Volunteer." We cast a glance inside it the other day, and there we
saw-a dozen pressed men !

MY DEAR JoixN,--Old age is venerable, and there is often much
moral beauty in grey hair.
In accordance with the traditions of our people, you have just been
called to a very high office, which you have accepted with thliat
generous alacrity which invariably distinguishes you on such occa-
sions. It is delightful to know that the event has called forth ta re-
markable exhibition of self-sacrifice on the part of younger politicians.
It must be charming to you to witness such civic viitit ;ias that of
MR. GLADSTONE, the more especially since it has been very profitable
to yourself. Abnegation, self-sacrifice, these are qualities which I
presume to be unnecessary in a man of seventy-thret ; liit, til, how
fortunate it is for you that they have been displayed by a man of
Personally, I can't help wishing that MAi. (GAI.STWIt NI had boeen I
little more selfish, and I am inclined to fancy that the country at
large is very much of my opinion; but it is, of course, conisolatory to
know that we are again ruled by a scion of the historic house of
XWhen a RUSSELL loses his head-pardon nme, I am not alluding to a
certain plenipotentiary who went to Vienna, but to your ancuesor
LORD WILLIAM, who perished on the scaffold in the caisse of En;lisli
liberty after amicably accepting money from the King of lranice.
When a RtssEL, I say, loses his head, that article is adroitly p1ie i'd
up by his clever survivors, who use it very much after the manner of
the Anthropoglossos.
Loan WILLIAM has been useful, I take it, to LOii Joan ; nor has
that statesman suffered from his connection with the ducal house of
But even on your own account you have rendered the country cer-
tain noble services, which I should be very sorry to forget.
I only want to ask you whether you think, yourself, that seniority
is exactly a sufficient qualification for the rcniie'rship ?
Because, if it is, you know, we must again put faith in octogenarian
admirals and generals, whom we were rather getting to dlistrust; it'
must keep the younger men down; and I am not sure nwhither we
ought not to insist that MR. WILLIAM HARRItON is our ablsat Iniglishl
tenor-which I deny!
I don't deny your achievements with regard to tho ll'riim Bill-
you are an institution;" you are a line Old criitmed Whig; 1Vnd I
respect you, as I respect the barons who won Magna (harta. lhut if
DE MONTromnD had survived to the present year of grace, 185-f-ntiiy,
if even Loiu) SOMEts had done the same-I doubt whether I should
think either nobleman the best man for Prime Minister noiw.
And, my dear LORDi RUssELL, the world is moving rather swiftly, as
I am informed. Stage coaches, I am credibly given to understand,
have been superseded by railways; the electric toelgraph lina come
into active operation ; and QUEEN ANNE is really deadI. I doubt
whether you are accustomed to bear these ftcts sulliciently in mind.
You have a man of genius for your subordinate, fid you may,
therefore, succeed. Only I don't quite like your relative positions.
MR. GLADSTONE, at fifty-six, can hardly be considered an inexperienced
boy ; you, yourself, at seventy-three, can hardly be considered ais
quite in the full vigour of manhood.
I wish you well; and I am going to offer you, with all due de-
ference, a little advice.
Do you remember why, when your first ministry fell, no man said
"GOD bless it?" It was because you had made it simply a family
party, much to the delight of the ELLIOTrrs and the GiV s, lint a good
deal to the detriment of the British Empire.
You must learn, then, I fancy, to enlarge the circle of your
sympathies. Have you any recollection of .. !. i _' ... -... ...i .
in the lurch ? Do you remember that you were, for a considerable
time, the most heartily abused man in the United Kingdom ?
You must learn, my lord, to be faithful to your friends.
Do you remember the expression, Rest and be thankful" ? I am
inclined, myself, to alter the spelling of that famous phrase; and to
say that unless you recommence as a Reformer, those very rights,
which arc now denied to them, the people will Wrest-and Bo
Pray ponder upon these matters. Be a little less exclusive. Talk
less of the Test and Corporation Acts, &c., &c., &c. Refrain from
volunteering snatches of political autobiography. Do not try to
thwart the infinitely greater man who has consented to hold office
under you; and although even then I doubt whether you are the best
man to be Premier, you shall have, my lord, what is called "a sincere
but a disinterested support" from
Your candid counsellor,

I forbid your offering any appointment whatever to Loan


[NOVEMBER 4, 186f,

/ Ii, I
I' ___ I'

* (

I ..

2 .1 Y

" ';' -

Cabby (to passenger who has complained of the pace) :-" SLow, SIR ? YEs, SIR. BUT, YOU SEE, THE FACT IS 'E 'AVE A-BEEN IN THE

nts rz t G rCasp tdlt5.

SENEX, LLOYD'S, J. T., A SUiSCRIm3ER, &C.-In accordance with your
wishes, Gone from the Helm," will be reprinted on toned paper.
Miss A. P., Dublin.-How A. P. we should be if we could use the
contribution Many thanks all the same.
C. N., Strand.-We have, as you advise, leniently committed the
M.S. to the waste basket." It was not nigh good enough.
S. S. C., Southport.-If it were in our power we should publish the
verse, obeying your instructions "not to alter them in any way,
excepting in errors of orthography," and adhering strictly" to the
punctuation. But what you sent us was not verse.
T. D. 'B. kindly forwards an article which he informs us we
are, if we think them good enough, welcome to use as we like, gratis.
We appreciate, even in declining it, his generosity, the more especially
as the M.S. is not his, but written by a clever lady."
A FLUTTERING QUERIST.-There is not the slightest foundation for
your belief that our esteemed correspondent "Snarler" is deeply
attached to Miss ANN TuRorvY.
GOBEMOUCHE.-It was, as you suggest, on account of their possible
employment by rebels in the event of the great Fenian invasion that
the authorities directed the removal of all the pikes on the southern
side of the Thames.
A CANNY ONE.-Thanks! But we don't care about the Falkirk-
shire something-or other, and other Scottish provincial papers, howling
at our lash to Sabbatarianism. In the words of their own bard, we
reply Hoot awa' "
CuARITY.-When you give to a beggnr in the street, first make
sure that he is not an incorrigible one-there are several mend-I-
can't's" about.
We have aword tosayto two correspondents. "G. E.," of Manchester,
who appears to be a commercial gentleman given to lying in bed late,
thinks it uncommonly good that he should lie in bed at eleven to
the annoyance of the inn servants who were evidently anxious to

get on with their work in order to go out in the afternoon and flutter
in the breeze." "Expectans" sees exquisite humour in the fact of an
omnibus driver having a week's holiday and going out of town. For
shame, gentlemen, both! Why shouldn't the poor girls get their
outing, and why shouldn't a bus-driver have a trip in the country ?
If there is anything funny in the notions, it is to be found in the
dignified way in which you look down on the inferior creatures-one
from the commercial-room and the other from the knife-board. Good
morning !

IN a recent police-case where a broker had behaved like a brute-or
a broker, it was stated that his victim, in describing his evil practices,
said he was a second Dando." This is clearly a mistake of the
reporters- she thought he was a pawnbroker, and said he was a
Worth a Straw.
A YOUNG gentleman has called at the office to ask us to tell him how
to write a chaffy letter. He had better go to PARKINS AND GOTTO
and get some straw paper.

NOTICE.--Finely printed on TONED PAPER, with numerous ill?-
will appear on the 6th INovember. Price Twopence.
Now ready, printed on TONED PAPER, price Twopence,
In consequence of the demand, BUOYED WITH HOPE has been again
reprinted, and may be obtained at the Office, price One Penny.
Now ready, Vol. VIII. (IST VOL., NEW SERIES), price 4s. 6d. Also,
the TITLE, PREFACE, AND INDEX, price One Penny.
To THE TRADE.-Number 24 is now reprinted.

London: 'hrilted by JUDD & GLASS, PI'hcnix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-Novemnber 4, 1865.



NOVEMBER 11, 1865.] F'U TN. 81

l" .0\ ..... &-.! -


THE Christmas books, rather later than usual this year, are begin-
ning to put forth their leaves like the Glastonbury thorn. Foremost
of all, like the primroses that take the winds of March with beauty
comes the Round of Days, amply deserving the flowery language in
which we herald it. The cover, the paper, and the printing would
constitute a treat in themselves. But the matter is as good as the
manner-how delightful, now that his pencil is so rarely at work, to
have half a dozen illustrations by WALKER in one book, and better
still that two of them should be reminders of his lovely pictures in
the two last exhibitions of the Old Water Colour-Spring and Autumn !
Then we have also drawings by HOUGHTON, PINWELL, WATSON, MMOR-
TEN, GRAY, and BURTON, and T. DALZIEL drops in here and there with
little strips of landscape and sea-coast. The engraving by MESSRS.
DALZIEL is excellent, even for the first engravers in England. Among
the contributors there are many poets of note. JEAN INGELOW,
CHRISTINA ROSSETTI, and DORA GREENWELL seldom write anything that
is not well worth reading: the latter, in this instance, has unfortu-
nately got some echo of BROWNING, perplexing one in some of her
titles, and speaks of some one singing "a song of love and death,"
which expression TENNYSON has made his own. AMELIA B. EDWARDS'
verse is clever, and LOCKER's two poems are piquant. ROBERT BUCIIA-
NAN writes like the poet he is, and GEORGE MSAcDONALD'S contribution
is finely thoughtful. There is also a good poem by WILLIAM ALLING-
HAM. Then we meet again with old friends and favourites, WILLIAM
and MARY HowITT, and MRS. NORTON. In one or two instances, how-
ever, the writers have not done work worthy of the splendid setting
prepared for their compositions. We can't all of us be poets, but we
can at least refrain from committing what is hardly verse oven. A
mere apprentice in the art of versification ought to know that to give
only two rhymes in every four lines is laziness and shirking. Such
slovenly work was not fair to the spirited producers of this really
splendid volume. The chief sinners in this respect are MESSRS. TOM

I MARIyELLED why that simple child
Made faces like the Gorgons,
And clapt its hands, with meanings wild,
On its digestive organs.
Adopting a parental tone,
I asked her why she cried,
The damsel answered with a groan,
Ive got a pain inside."
I thought it would have sent me mad
Last night about eleven; "
Said I, What is it makes you had P
How many apples have you had ? "
She answered, Only seven! "
"And are you sure you took no more,
My little maid ?" quoth I.
Oh please, sir, mo1lhr gave me four,
But they were in a pie "
"If that's the case," I stammered out,
Of course you've had eleven ; "
The maiden answered with a pout,
"I ain't had more nor seven! "
I wondered hugely what shl meant,
And said, I'm bad at riddles,
But I know where little girls are sent
For telling taradiddles.
"Now, if you don't reform," said I,
You'll never go to heaven."
But all in vain; each time I try,
That little idiot makes reply,
I ain't had more nor seven! "
To borrow WORDSWORT's nanle waswrong,
Or slightly misapplied ;
And so I'd better call my song,
Lines after ACUE-INSIDE."

A CONTEMPORARY says, The Courts of Exchoquer
and Common Pleas are about to be ventilated." Ohl,
why don't they ventilate Chancery ?

TAYLOR, HAIN FRISWELL, and the author of The GCntle Life." The
last-named gentleman but one has this verse:
"Until at last the sun goes down
And tints the sky again,
With solemn purple hues, as if
A great king died in painam."
Not to mention the awkwardness of line three's not rhyming, and
endingin the monosyllable "if," which is not quite strong enough for
the place, we should like to know whether the invariable effect of a
fatal regal stomach-ache is to turn majesty purple ? Or is pain "
only a handy rhyme for again," because if so, we are glad to hear it
in the interests of royalty.
Another fact of which apprentices in verso should not be ignorant
is that verse should flow instead of halting, that "expletives their
feeble aid do join" to the damage of lines, and that a rythmical
accent should not be allowed to fall on a wrong word. Those rules
have been slightly overlooked by the sacred muse of Mnt. ToM TAYLOR
in these lines :
"HIark, how outside the wind doth roar!
See, how chill drives the sleet;
lie came for shelter to our door,
Of all doors in the street."
In which, if rythmical accent means anything, we have such sensible
music as "See how chill drives the sleet, lie came for shelter to our
We have ventured to point out these blemishes boldly, because we
feel that literary gentlemen should, if they can, be more conscientious,
in working for a book which is so admirably got up, so finely illus-
trated, and in which their writing is associated with so much really
good poetry.

WHY is a drowned monkey like a horse-doctor ? Because lie's a
wet-an'-hairy-un !


82 U N [NOVEMBER 11, 1865.


N HE Cabinet has met,
and all is going
smoothly. There
are rumours of one
Al -or two alterations
which are to be
made in order to
bring heads of De-
partments into the
S '\l' Lower House in-
S -' stead of the Upper,
which will be an
SI i d. .1 7 1 advantage. A
S 1, .-little bird tells me
S'(RussELL wisely
i Al playing his lordly
S! [second and behav-
I' ing himself) will
go forward now,
and that the ma-
jority of the Min-
istry are prepared to do the same, they having all held back out of
deference to the late Premier's known opinions on reform. In this
case we may look for a terrific battle-the two great parties will be
once more marshalled and blows interchanged vigorously. Of the
result of the contest I for one have not the slightest doubt in the
WHAT a contrast there is between the funeral sermons of DEAN
STANLEY and DocTon Cutrirre! I am not a great reader of sermons,
but I confess I have gone through the reports of these two discourses
with interest. The Dean's treatment of the theme is just what it
should be-I should say he preached like a scholar and a gentle-
man," if the Blood and Culture School had not so misused the term,
that it means nothing. But the Doctor! Why doesn't he stick to
bees and pious Zadkielism ? Do we want to hear that the late noble-
man, who would have taken off his hat to a civil crossing-sweeper, once
shook hands with DR. Canr-xrG ? Or of what value is it to the world
at large that Loan PALMERSTON, who, good judge as he was of most
things, probably knew little about sermons, once said that a discourse
of the Doctor's was "very useful and very instructive" ? Snobbery is
bad enough anywhere, but hateful in the pulpit; and what shall we say
about a preacher, who goes out of his way to lug in the fact, that he
was once associated with the DUKE OF ARGYLE on the committee of a
charity ? It doesn't quite bring this small talk up to the sermon
standard, even to let off a firework out of Revelation at the end.
WHILE I am on the subject, I must put in my protest against such
an article as the Pall Mall published on the very day of the late
Premier's funeral. Even Blood and Culture might respect the feelings
of his lordship's surviving relations. What would the Pall Mall have
said to anyone, not connected with B. and C., raking up the private life
of a public man, in order to point a moral, with sins, of which, at all
events, the editor of the P. M. G. has not been appointed judge in any
gazette I ever saw.
Ma. SAMUEL LUCAs-who, report says, is to edit 3eoxon's Miniature
Poets (it's time somebody did, but I hope he'll do it better than he
does the Shilling Magazine)-was apparently very anxious to inform
the world that he was literary critic of the Times, but I should
say he will be equally desirous of disclaiming the reviews that have
appeared there of late. Here's an extract from a notice of Miss Berry's
Miss Berry gives many a graphic anecdote confirming (if confirmation were
needed) the impression made on the people by the ill-used and ill -conducted consort
of that selfish and profligate King of the Fair Star of Brunswick.' "
If this mean anything (and the construction is rather queer), it means
that the anecdotes now related confirm an impression in the minds of
people who have been dead any number of years.
THE Saturday-oh, usually correct Saturday !-also made a queer
blunder the other day.
The most prominent difference between ourselves and our next neighbours is the
rate at which population increases. At the present rate of progress the French would
only double themselves in two years, whereas we should do so in a little over fifty."
That is to say population increases twenty-five times as fast in France
as it does in England. This is a discovery !
A NEw giant! ANAK the Analdim, as he is called, which is much
the same as calling him Giant the Giants." He is a fine specimen,
but the dwarf is a mere precocious baby. Why does not PtROFESSOR
ANDERSON occasionally try something original ? It is not in the best
taste for one who is just retiring from the profession to display so

much of the dog-in-the-manger temperament. His opposition cabinet
seances in the time of the DAVENPORT swindle were fair enough; but
their success seems to have induced him to repeat the dose, and now
he does the basket trick and the giant and dwarf business. I think it
a great pity.
I HAVE taken a stroll through the two winter exhibitions. They are
both good, but MR. WALLIS, having a largerggallery to fill, has more
"padding." As his is the original exhibition, I'll notice it first.
There are a couple of pictures by PETTEr, very fine; one of
ORCHAIDEON not so good; a noble painting by BARNES, Never
Again," and some beautiful landscapes by LEADER. TouRIEnI has a
clever Turk smoking, and there are good "W'ATsoNs, better than he
has been on the wood of late. VICAT COLE and WARREN have both
got exquisite specimens of their style in oil, and water. MR. DAVIS
has an excellent painting of sheep in a drought, and there are promising
works by other rapidly rising artists. Two rooms of water-colours
contain many charming things-some BIRKET FoSTERS for example,
and there are some good paintings in the room devoted to foreign
artists. In the room devoted to the works of female artists, the most
noticeable features are a picture of RosA BONHenU'S, one by Miss
ELLEN EDWARns (hardly as lovely as the 'drawing of the same
subject which she did for Leondon Society) and a clever bit of still life
by Miss COLEMA-N. The gallery is really :a marvellous collection,
when you think it is all got together by the taste and energy of an

DaniY.-Hearken, oh chieftains of -the Trojan tribe!
As when a shepherd, in his mind'perplexed,
Hearing the howl of wolves uponithe hill,
Gathers together all his 'fleecy charge,
The loudly-bleating lamb, ithe tender ewe,
The ram, the hoary father-of 'the flock,
And seeks for shelter-haply he may find
The safety of the fold ere evening .fall :-
So I, within whose hearing echoes yet
The thunder of Peelides, .terrible,
Remorseless, swift of speech* invincible,
Gather together ye, my silly sheep !
(Marks of disapprobation.)
CRANBORNE, my bleating lamb, DISRAELI; you ;
And NEWDEGATE, the fine old Tory ram!
That haply ye may counsel me for good.
Speak, each in order:-first of all, do thou,
Oh BENJAMIN, the son of ISAAc, speak!
OMNEs.-Bravo, bravo! Ever so much better than POPE's.
NEWDEGATE.-If the wicked occupants of the Vatican are mentioned
in such terms of levity, I shall consider it my Christian duty to
DISi ,ELI.-The Roman Empire has passed away; the Venetian
oligarchy is a tradition of the past; kingdoms have risen; kingdoms
have fallen; and the one fact which is eternal is that of Race. Pro-
scribe him, banish him, trample him under foot, the Jew is sure to
come back, and as certain to'conquer. The Sybil demanded for her
last Book more than she had asked for all the rest. Conciliate the
Hebrew whilst there is yet time; or when he has even less to give
you than at present he will ask you cent. per cent. He mocks your
clumsy occidental systems; he despises your traditions of yesterday;
he tolerates your creed with an equable disdain; he-
NEWDEGATE.-I don't care a straw, I tell you, NORTHCOTE, whether
the party needs him or not; but I will not sit here, and listen to
such abominable language. I'm an old man, I know; but if anybody
else spoke ill of the Church of England anywhere outside these walls,
by George, sir, I'd knock him down!
DERBY.-As when-
NEWDEGATE.-Oh, all right, my lord, I won't make any disturbance;
only I ask you, is he quite right in his mind ?
DISRAELI (rousing himself for a supreme efort).-Yes, the Venetian
oligarchy is, indeed, no more; nor could even the genius of HANNIBAL
perpetuate the power of Carthage; yet Carthage was the Great
Britain of the Mediterranean, and Venice was the England of the
Adriatic. A similar fate may yet be our own under the incapable
rule of a minister whose policy is precarious and whose antecedents
are disgraceful. Sir, when I look around me-
ONEs.-Hear, hear! That's it! That's what we want! Hear,
hear !
DIsnAELL.-When I look around me-when I see, as I do see-
O.NNES.-Hear, hear! Hear, hear!
DISRAELI.-When I see, sir, as I do see, the House which has
echoed to the eloquence of a CHATHAM reduced to subjection by the
offensive insignificance of a RUSSELL-when I see an Empire which
was gained by a WARREN HASTINGs handed over to the imbecile


guidance of a CHAIILES WooD-there, gentlemen, I think that's the
best plan for us, ch ? No case for the defence ; abuse the plaintiffs
attorney ; is it not so ?
CnAN OlrNE.-You don't seem to have cared to say anything which
might lead to a personal encounter between yourself and GLADSTONE
-how's that ?
, DISsAELI.-Perhaps I had my reasons! At any rate, we've no
policy and no cry. Unfortunately, nobody believes that the man you
named means to rob the Church ; in point of fact, some people appear
to think that his piety is rather more sincere than my own-
DEiBY.- By Jove, yes! I beg your pardon, DISAELI. You were
saying-- ?
DI)SAELI.-Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. I're nothing
to propose, I know that. Possibly BULWER may, he's a man of genius,
quand it ine !
Sin. G. E. L. BULWER L'rTTON (qfter five minutes of intense and
moody dclhberation).-The Truthful and the Beautiful are ONE !
Adjourn, adjourn!
DERBY.-All right. Personally, I don't care two pins about office.
I'd rather not have it-I want to get on with the Odyssey; but I'll
do the best I can. Though, by Zeus, you are a rum sort of team to
drive! Next week, then ?
OMNEs.-Agreed, agreed!
NEWDEGATE (with/ solemn earnestness).-I have listened to a lot of
profane rubbish about the heathen mythology; I have heard a jocular
allusion to the Man of Sin; my feelings as a Churchman have been
outraged by a Hebrew Jew; and a nobleman, from whom better
things might have been expected, has incidentally alluded to me as
an old ram. If you ever see me here again I wish I may--

REVERED AND HONOURED EDITOR,-It is of no use attempting to
deceive you, Sir, and the old man will not try such. Sir, he has lost
The sex has always been peculiar fatal to NICHOLAs, and, figuratively
speaking, it is again a woman's hand that deals the avenging blow,
alluding, of course, to Gardevisure, the mare that won the Cambridge-
shire on Tuesday fortnight. You may'have noticed he was absent from
your columns in Numbers 24 and 25 ; in fact, I have a rather harsh
and vituperatory letter from you to that effect ; but, Sir, revered and
honoured Mr. Editor,2 the fact is, the Prophet was out of town, and up
to his old games. What's bred in the bone, Sir, will come out in the
flesh; and despite his ample recent means, when once you've been a
tout, a tout you'll ever be ; and he was hanging about the stables just
as in the old days; and the cold getting into his head, not to speak of
whiskey and water affecting him more than it did before he generally
could partake of sherry-wine when he liked, the old man, Sir, over-
slept hisself," and was too ill to send his usual countrybution.
I wouldst, Sir, that this were the worst! But no! the Star of
NICHOLAS have set, perhaps to raise no more; and Newmarket Heath
has been his Waterloo, not from the point of view of the late occupant
of Apsley House, but more Napoleonic in its character.
It is easy to say, after the event, Why did you go and do so, oh
NICHOLAS, you good but fond old man?" Why ? Because I had a
blind faith in a noble animal; because JENNINGS himself said, He'll
do it, MISTER N., if they was to put a PICKFORD'S van on the top of
him!" because the COUNT DE LAGRANGE said, with his own lips,
" Courage, moni voo Sir, my belief in Gladiateur was almost
idolatryastical! It was vainly they told me he couldn't do it with 9
stone 12; your NICHOLAS put the pot on heavy, and is now, speaking
comparative, an abject pauper and a broken-hearted ruinous old man!
It's lucky for me as I've no one to come after me, in the way of
children at least (there are a good many after me in another way),
former allusions to olive-branches having only been hypothetic and
On the morning of the race I was so sanguine that I burst into song.
You may like, Sir, to hear the plaintive warble, even now, of a
broken-hearted minstrel's loot:-
Gladiateur, Gladiateur,
Go it, my pippin! Your victory's sure!
Gladiateur, Gladiateur,
You ought to be painted by ROSA BONEURl !
Gladiateur, Gladiateur,
Look at him racing along!


Look at him ? I did. These old eyes, that are now bedewed with
Sorrow's honest juice, saw himn-and where was 11e ? 1lh,,r' was he t
lie was Nowhere! That's where lie was!
On the course I had met your young French countrybutor, Slocsoo
JEAN GODIN. It's little enough lihe knows about racing, though than
whom perhaps I am sure a more aftifable gentleman ; hut hlit bgan
a-declaiming against insular justice and narrow mindlsd jealousy
Britannic, at which I ollserod to punch Iis head, and would have dono
such had it been twenty years ago when more suitable to )our
Prophet's period;4 but I found he was only grumbling about lthe
9 stone 12, so I shook hands along of himn s ier le shony, as we say at
Paris; and when, being a little down upon his luck financially,
though than whom perhaps I never saw a brighter necktie or a
nattier pair of lavender kid gloves upon a hunan fi ame, it was sit in
the heat of your Prophet to refuse hism couple of glasss of slit ry-
wine, besides lending of him half-a-quid.s
Do you remember-very likely not, for you know no more thlinn a
babe just unborn about sportive matters," though the best of Iditors
and the most indulgent of masters I am sure-/-do you rmeliilsbr tlit
oddds that were laid against the winning mare,, Gardevisurue They
were 33 to 1.
Murder will out. They were laid by NICHOLAS !
There. I feel easier in my mind after the confession. Ruin (again
speaking comparative) stares me in the face with a vulgarity of auspct
to which the contemptuous expression of unpaid lundladi's in founner
years was RIMMEL'S fountain to a rotten egg ; the colossal edilitis of
Prophetic Wealth is rudoly shaken by the breeze of Adv'er'so
Fortune; but this emotion unbe'comes a NICnOLAS, who, if he hftave
known better days have also known worse, and was never ashan'ed
of honest Poverty7, whatever may be said by the pens of the de-
I have thought it quite as well not to go back to Belgravia just at
present. The fact is, that a little seclusion will do me no harm, so
shall lie by and try to pull it offl' over the Liverpool Cup. lii has
always borne a honest name, praise be ; and if the worst comes to the
worst he has still his abilities as a public writer to fall back upon.
M ts. Cnress, the landlady, has got me a life of SIR W.VALTEt SCO''TT,
Baronet, from the circulating library round theo corner,, and it ahnost
brings the tears into a poor ruinous old Prophet's eyes- thankyi, AM s.
CaUPIPS, yes ; a little more sugar in it tlus tiii, pleaseo '"- to read how
that good and great man paid off his debts by his novels. And will
write one himself against any Prophet of his liago or sizt bar niio!
Well, well, it's a long lano that's got no turning ; and what says the
classic bard, as I heard him quoted by an afllible young gent from
Cambridge College on the Hleath itself ?-
HIow d'yo ? my eye! Crass Tibby !"
Thanks much, my dear Mns. Citrs. If the oflOr of It old man's
heart and handl0-where the deuce is Miss. C(irirs? iShall niall up
to old gal, hang me if I don't. My clothes is all right; and still I
looks the cynicsure of fashion with my light autumnal ovitrcoat;" an.1,
1 say, MIs. F1UNs-Curns I mean-if a old man's honest hadoration,
if a fond heart's gentle throb, if-oh, I say, old boy, oif course you
won't print this, which is purely conlidontial-canj't write alny unoro
to-night-sight's not what it was, you know-only I was a-thlimiiing,
Sir, you might have it put in large type as I sent you (iUAsi:Dvis.iii
FOR ABSOLUTE WINNEAR, only you was out of town, and su stuch nov, i
saw the light;12 but anyhow you'll not desert the ohil on in his
adversity? You'll keep him on, noble Captain, as your Sportivoi
Editor? EhJ Thankyo; there's a dear good soul, lits. 'tirs s! If
a old man's fervent-but will now conclhlo.
So no more at present from, yours,
TU Itu'INoUS NIcoLm.As.
P.S. 1.-You don't happen to know Moosoo GonIN's address, do
you, Sir ?i1
P.S. 2.-I have a good thing foi next year's Derby.
We simp ...' ;.. to a very natural lfoling of annoyance.
2 This sorn.1 .-.'-.j' I (do NIC OiWAS no good.
3 The old mian 2. 1.1 to have known better.
SWe are afraid a.. the old itan is given to ie vanlity-glurious."
M. (itODIN has etiat us quite i (Utt'recnt ILLtcuna t of this little r ianst i t1 o.
6 Don't you be too sure of that, old ian!
7 Perhaps because he never tried it.
8 Oh, NICIIOL.AS, NICuOLAts, at it again !
Is it possible the Prophet means llodic inihi, cras tibi "
0' We had no idea the old inan was so susceptible.
1 1 I I gain .
S1 ...,' 1 i, ''1.. this disgraceful suggestion.
1a He is extremely anxious for yours.

SLsGnT changes make great differences. Dinner for nothing" is
very good fun, but you can't say as much of "'Nothing for dinner."

NOVEMBER 11, 1865.]


[NOVEMBER 11, 1835.


Brother Frank (an impertinent little Cornet of Cavalry loquitur) :-" HULLO, MOTHER, I SEE YOU'VE BEEN ADYERTISING AGAIN FOR
.Frank (reads newspaper) :-" WHY LOOK HERE. Officers supplied with the best description of barrack furniture, warranted superior
quality, very portable, and lower in price than hitherto charged for these articles. N.B.-The stock must be got rid of.' "

THE City Solicitor and the City Remembrancer have just got through
the annual imbecility of accounting as to rent services due to the
Crown, to be rendered on behalf of the Corporation of London."
We understand that the following form was employed on the occasion :
QUEEN's REMEMBRANCER.-How do you do, Mr. Solicitor?-Mr. City
Remembrancer, I am glad to see you. Now suppose we get through
this bit of tomfoolery as quickly as possible, eh?
CITY SoLICITOR.-By all means, Mr. Queen's Remembrancer. Fire
Q. R.-Now for the proclamation. Tenants aud occupiers of a
piece of waste ground called the moors, in the county of Salop, come
forth and do your service."
CITY REMEMBRANCER (to Ci,' 7'. .' -Now, Nelson, go on.
C. S.-All right. Here! J -\*' lr..'s the fagot?
Q. R.-Here, Mr. Solicitor, is the fagot, here is the hatchet, and
there the bill-hook.
C. S.-Oh, I perceive. Now, what am I to do with these things ?
Q. f.-Oh, just chop at the wood with each instrument.
C. S.-What preposterous bosh! Here goes. (Chops.)
Q. R.-That's it. Now for the Forge business.
C. R.-Will you read the proclamation, Mr. Queen's Remembrancer ?
Q. R. (reads.)-" Tenants and occupiers of a certain tenement called
the Forge, in the parish of St. Clement's Danes, come forth, and do
your service!" Ha! ha!
C. R.-Now, Nelson, at it again.
C. S.-All right, Corrie, don't put me out. Here!
Q. P.-Now for the service.
C. S.-What am I to do ?

Q. R.-You must count three horse-shoes-now pray be serious.
C. S.-Very good. There are six.. Enough for a horse and a half.
Q. R.-And now these nails-do please pay attention.
C. S. (counts.)-Sixty.
Q. R. (shiocked.)-Oh, dear, no. That won't do at all.
C. S.-Well, I make it sixty, don't you ?
Q. R.-There ought to be sixty-one.
C. S.-Well, I'll count 'em again. Sixty.
C. R.-Let me try. (Counts.)-Sixty-two.
Q. R.-Oh, nonsense, gentlemen. (Counts)-Why I make it fifty-
nine !
C. R.-Let's weigh 'em. Forty go to the pound.
C. S.-I'll try again. Sixty-three!
C. R. (counts.)-No, sixty-five!
Q. R.-I'll go over it again. Sixty-one. It's all right.
C. S. (relieved.)-Then that's all right,
Q. R.-Oh, dear, no. Not at all. You must count 'em. The Queen
don't do service to you, you do service to her, you know.
C. S. (getting desperate.)-Fifty-six! (Counts.)-No, sixty-nine!
(Counts.)-No, fifty-one (Counts.)-No, seventy-three, oh, hang it,
Q. R.-That's it. All right.
C. R.-What infernal tomfoolery!
C. S.-Well, we are well paid for it. They must find us something
to do for our salaries.
C. R.-Good morning, gentlemen, until this time next year!

A WICKED JoKE.-When is a helmsman like a candle ? When he's


F J N.-NOVEMBER 11, 1865.

I' /

- -



NovEMxmb 11, 1865,]

FUN. 87

I'm sure it's a wonder as I'm alive to tell the tale, that it is, and I do
think as to Mrs. GIDDINs she must have a charmed life, as the sayin'
is, as a cat's is nothing' to, for I see her a mask of flames myself a
screaming in her pattens with them things a blazin' all around, and if
it hadn't been as I throw'd a pail of hot suds all over her, ashes she
must have been. And to think as it was all thro' them boys a-darin'
for to make a bonfire in that field at the back as Mr. WALKER
encouraged 'em in, thro' keeping' of a school with a tar barrel rolled all
along the road by them roughs, as it's a mercy no horses wasn't
frightened as well I remember happenedd in the Bow-road one time as
was nearly my death, thro' the fright as I got a meeting' them boys
with those masks and lettin' off a cracker lighted under me, and never
left my room again till our Lucy was six weeks old. But it so fell out
as it come on a Sunday and was kep' of a Monday, as is ridiculous
altogether, as I says to Mr. WALKER as keeps the school, as called
about the accident. I says, "Whatever is the use of teaching' a lot of
boys for to insult other parties as tho' Irish is their elders and I'm
sure as their feeling's like flesh and blood." "Oh," says he, "down
with the Pope."
I says, certingly if he have done what is wrong as can be proved,
let him be punished, but not," I says, "with squibs and crackers,
a-frightenin' parties to death and don't do him no harm, a-livin' over
there. But," I says, "the Pope won't pay.me for them things as is
consumed," I says, "and you must."
Well he up and talked a-deal of rubbish, a-sayin' as I didn't ought
to have washed on the fifth of November, as I says, excuse me it were
the sixth, and I'm not a-going for to go beyond a month for all your
Guy FoxEs as ever lived, but," I says, "the way as they're hunted
down after death is disgraceful." He says "It's a glorious anad-
I says, "That's what may happen to any one, and didn't ought to
be throwed in their teeth," as that cracker was in mine just a-openin' of
the garden door for to tell them boys to be careful how they throwed
their squibs about my linen, as they kep' a-lettin' 'em off long afore it
was dark. I says, Mrs. GIDDINS, p'raps it will be as well for to have
that large sheet in," I says, "and dry it by the fire, as the clothes
horse will bear."
So she steps out for to get it and gethers it up in her arms, when
if a squib didn't come, full but, on to her, sheet and all, she unawares
thro' being partly covered in it. I opens the wash door for her, and
there she was like a fiery apparition, and but for the copper being
that handy I never should have put her out in this world, and it's a
mercy as the water was not a-bilin' or' I should have scalded her to
death a-tryin' to save her from a fiery grave, as the saying' is; and as
it was, her cap was burnt to her head, and her eyebrows that scarified
as I didn't hardly know her.
As luck would have it BROWN had just come in, and hearing' the
noise opened the washus door just as my cap took fire, as he very nigh
strangled me a-tearin' off, and throwed, with my hair and all, bang
into the wash tub, as will never curl up no more to look decent in.
Of all the agony as ever I felt it was Mrs. GIDDINs a-standin'
with all her weight on my foot with her pattens on, as I thought she'd
cut clean in half thro' giving' a stamp that violent in her terrors as
was natural in fire as I'm sure I feel myself, and even dumb creatures
can't face, as well I remembers all the horses bein' burnt in the
brewery at Stratford, as their screams was heart rendering as nothing
wouldn't induce for to face the flames thro' a smellin' it even with
their heads in sacks ; and the engines a-playin' all the time, tho' I'm
sure one of them streams of water would be as bad to me as the fire,
thro' a-c6min' with that force for to knock any one down, as happened
to a aunt of mine a-passin' down thro' Westminster when they was
only a-practisin' and not meaning' no harm, but she come sudden round
the corner for to get it right in her chest as rolled her over and over
with her ancle sprained and her elbow put out, as walked lame to her
dyin' day.
As to them fire escapes they certainly are wonderful, tho' for my
part I'd as soon slide down a factory chimbly as they looks like, tho'
I've heard say as the firemen is wonderful a-grapplin' with you at
the bottom, as saved old Mr. ADnrN as kep' the "Risin' Sun" with a
clump foot, as was a hard drinking' man, and the cause of the fire thro'
a-puttin' the candle under the bed; and must have perished with the
door locked but for them firemen as bust into the window and a-graspin'
on him by his clump as he'd gone to bedin unawares, and pitched him
head-first down the' the escape, and was saved at the bottom by the
man as was a-waitin' for him in a leather bucket of cold water, as
cured his drinking' for he put his other hip out arid was a helpless
cripple, and Mrs. ADanI nussed him, and never would allow him more
than three glasses of sperrits and water of a night to his dyin' day,
and being retired from the public line, as that fire took 'em out of, he
didn't get the chance on, tho' never in my opinion a-payin' business
thro' old AuRDn havin' lots a-friends as stepped in for to take a drain,

as the say n' is; and being insured heavy come out with a indepen-
dence, and her a-havin' a-somethin' of her own.
If you'd seen my garden the next morning and the field as them
boys had had their fireworks in, you'd have said as thero'd been a
fiery snow storm, and the grass all burnt in a black ring where the
bonfire was. I never slept a wink all night for thinking as fire might
break out, and BRoww had burnt his hand with my cap, as raw
potato scraped give him ease.
Poor Mrs. GIDDINS, she went home more dead nor alive tho' she
did have her supper and a good allowance hot for to keep up her spirits
as had received a great shock, but she come the next day all right, and
BROWN's burn wasn't much, so we had reason to be thankful except
for the sheet as was cinders and a large hole in the counterpane as is
my best, things as I did ought to have had washed up before, only
thro' moving was throwed out everyway.
But when that schoolmaster come in, as is a white-facdd soapy-
looking chap in a white stock, as I'm told is a tyrant to the boys, and
says as he wishes to act becoming' a Christian, the' accidents will
'appenin the best of families, as is a excuse I've heard give for goings
on as I don't hold with, I says to him I says, "Them boys of your
did it a purpose for to aggrawate me, for I spoke to 'em over the wall
twice a-standing on them short steps as I hangs out with, and one on
'em shied a empty squib at me and encouraged the others for to call
me a regular old guy, and certainly I did forget as I had my night cap
on with a handkercher tied over it, as was the reason of their jeers."
What I do not hold with is that schoolmaster's ways, as is mean,
for I will make him pay Mrs. GIDDINS Tor the fright if I gets nothing'
for that sheet.
He come a deal of palaver as don't go down with me nor BaowN
neither, for he was come in first aforo the schoolmaster and pretty,
soon settled his rubbish about the Pope, for he says, "You leave him
alone and he won't interfere with you." Says the schoolmaster, "lie
I says "Go on with your rubbish; however can he F" "Why," lihe
says, "he'll undermind the constitution."
"Well," I says, you don't look delicate, but if you was to ask my
opinion you only wants plenty of exercise for to keep you in health,
and not to eat too much,"-havin' heard say, thro' Mrs. GIDDINS, as
he was a hog to eat, and special them hot suppers when the boys wam
a-bed, and a-sendin' the usher in bread and cheese to the schoolroom.
Well he talked a good deal of rubbish, and at last he pulls out a couple
of shillins and says, I think this will be quite sufficient for the
washerwoman," and he says, "anything in reason I'll pay for your
linen, my good woman."
So I says, My good man you'll please for to pay five-and-twenty
shillin's for my quilt as is as good as new, and the first time of washin'
as cost thirty, and that large linen sheet fifteen shilling won't replace
as I can prove to you by the follow as is down stairs, and Ialf a yard
shorter thro' bein' the bottom one." "Well then," he says, "p'raps
I'd.better speak to my solicitor."
I says, "'Speak to any one you pleases, but I tell you what it is, if
you give me any of your airs and rubbish I'll pretty soon summons
your boys for lettin' off fireworks in the public ways, and," I says,
"two shillins for that poor woman, as would hardly replace' her cap,
let alone the fright, won't never do."
So out he walks, very grand and protrudin', all down the stops with-
out sayin' good evening ; but his good lady come in early next day and
made it all square, as the sayin' is, being a party as is sharp, the' I
soon found out as -they was going to make the boys pay for the
damage out of their weekly pocket money, as is a mean action, but
jest like them schoolmasters, as I've knowed myself charged seven
shilling for shoe strings.
But all I've got to say is as no doubt Guy Fox was very wrong in
trying' for to let them fireworks off under Parliament, and as to his
blowin' up the royalfamily, why it's out of all reason. But why other
parties should be set in flames every year in remembrance on him I
can't think, as was a good-for-nothin' wagabone as the sooner he's
forgot the better.

Literary Note.
PEOPLE have been greatly puzzled to understand the changes in the
name of the firm of LoNMANw. Once there was a BUowN, and then
there was a GREEN. But now the mystery is explained-there is a
DYEn in the firm.
BATCHES of new games are advertised with a frequency which
denotes great love of change among the industriously idle classes. In
one very recent batch we find a game with the rather startling, not to
say morbidly sensational title, Capital Punishment." Nice sort of
thing this for introduction into quiet, respectable families. Though a
game so denominated may be capital punishment, we are very much
inclined to doubt its being.capital fun.

88 F U J [NOVEMBER 11, 1865.


HERE! howlhateen-
thusiastic boys
Who, closebehind
my feet,
Summon mysteri-
ously, with
fiendish noise,
Their comrades in
the street.
Do sudden clatter-
ings of a stum-
bling horse
blood ?
Why will all cab-
men choose a
/ puddly course,
And smother me

Don't I detest a
c a hesitating halt
k Outside my study
door ?
Why in damp places will they leave my salt,
And nutshells on my floor?
I long to extirpate-but can't, alas!-
Each harsh slap-banging band.
Must servants answer when they've smashed my glass,
"It came off in my hand ?"
I hate paraders in a draper's shop;
And dread a hidden stair;
When omnibuses on a crossing stop,
I feel inclined to swear.
I cannot swallow cant from worthy men-
Will not abuse restrain 'em? P
I hate mankind in general now and then,
ulgus odi profanum.

THi Reader which, eighteen months ago, was one of our most
respectable and cleverly-conducted weeklies, has changed hands so
frequently since that date, that only a little of its original flavour
remains to it, and on Saturday week last it completed its degradation
by inserting in its columns such a letter from MR. CHARLES READE,
the author of Never too Late to Mend," as we verily believe only
MR. READM could be found to write, and only the dramatic editor of
the Reader to publish.
It reflects upon a clever criticism by MR. FREDERIC GUEST TOMLINS,
the late dramatic critic of the Reader, on the astounding drama recently
produced by Ma. VINING at the Princess's Theatre. The letter com-
mences in the following strain:-
To the Editor of THE RxADER.
"Sir,-You have published (inadvertently I hope) two columns of intemperate
abuse aimed at my drama, and mendacious personalities levelled at myself.
The author of all this spite is not ashamed to sympathize with the heartless
robbers from whom justice and law have rescued my creation and my property.
(Query-Was he not set on by those very robbers 1) He even eulogises a ruffian
who, on the 4th October, raised a disturbance in the Princess's Theatre, and
endeavoured to put down my play by clamour, but was called to order by the
respectable portion of the audience."
The "ruffian" here alluded to was, as MR. READE subsequently
informs us, no other than MR. TOMLINS himself, who, in company with
many other dramatic critics, protested in indignant terms against the
introduction of such disgusting details of prison discipline as MR.
VnING had placed before the audience in the second act of the prepos-
terous piece in question. His protest on that occasion was so ener-
getically backed by the audience en masse, that MA. VINING was
compelled to address them from the footlights in apologetic terms, and
the best evidence as to the unanimity of the house on that occasion is
to be found in the fact that the objectionable portions of the second
act have been materially modified since the production of the piece.
MR. VLnnnG plumes himself on the intense realism of the scenes in
question. Probably MR. TOMLrNS, and those who sided with him,
were unable to appreciate the fidelity with which the treadmill, the
crank, and the strait waistcoat, were placed before them, and this fact

may account for the effect of the scene being lost upon them. That it
was not lost upon all we are bound to admit, for there was some
counter applause, and it came from that part of the house where those
who would be able to appreciate the realistic beauties of such a scene
would probably be found.
Ma. READE'S letter concludes thus:-
"Have you any sense of justice and fair play where the party assailed is only an
author of repute, and the assailant has the advantage of being an obscure scribbler ?
If so, you will give me a hearing in my defence. I reply in one sentence to two
columns of venom and drivel. I just beg to inform honest men and women that
your anonymous contributor, who sides with piratical thieves against the honest
inventor, and disparages CHARLES READE, and applauds one TOMLINS-is Tomlins.
-I am your obedient servant, CHAxLES READE.
92, St. George's-road, South Belgravia, October 21, 1865."
A dramatic critic is, in one sense, a reporter also, and it is his duty
to chronicle the important features of a performance, whether they are
to be found before or behind the footlights. On the occasion of the
first performance of It is Never too>'ate to Mend, MR. TomLiNs and other
gentlemen addressed MR. VING-o in indignant terms from their seats
in the stalls, and MR. VIneNG replied to them. Under these circum-
stances it was the critic's duty (whether the critic was- Mn. ToMLINS
or any one else) to mention the fact that such a conversation took
place, and to express his opinions on the merits of the question
The article which aroused MR. R ADR's indignation, and which he
characterises as anonymous, was signed F. G. T.", a combination
of letters as familiar to the literary world and to the reading public as
"S. G. 0." and "J. 0." of the Times. They are known to be the
initials of a gentleman who is not only one of our oldest, but also one
of our best, dramatic critics; and the article in question cannot,
therefore, fairly be called anonymous. But, by the way, who is the
dramatic editor who publishes a letter which reflects in such disgrace-
ful language on the character of his own paper ? Why, we will inform
honest men and women that the dramatic editor who sides with one
Charles Reade's nephew !! !

Srm,-Sensation dramas should mirror Society as it is, not
as it ought to be. But in its existing phase Virtue is invariably
triumphant in the long run-I may say the very long run-and Vice
is introduced simply that it may be utterly and irrevocably over-
whelmed in the last act. Is this true to nature ? I, for one, have
spent a long and laborious life in the exercise of the strictest virtue,
and I have never triumphed. Now in my old age I intend to go in
for a course of hideous and blood-curdling wickedness, and, as a first
step of my career of infamy, I publish a Sensation Drama in support
of my views. Yours,
ScENE.-Drawing-room in SIR ROCKHEART'S castle. Enter the crew ef
H.M.S. Matilda lane. They clear the room of all the furniture for
a hornpipe.
OLD BOB BACKsTAY.-My dear eyes! I am bosun's mate of the
Matilda Jane. SIR ROCKHEART has invited us all to dinner in the
servant's hall!
ALL.-He has. Hurrah!
OLD B. B.-Three cheers for the noble SI ROCKHEART I Here's
may prosperity be his mainstay, and may blessings be showered--
Sm R.-Confound it, what are you rabble doing in my drawing-
room? Bear off to the servants' hall, ye varlets, or by the Lord
Harry I'll make mincemeat of every mother's son of ye !
OLD B. B.-Ay, ay, yer honour!
(They all go out disconcerted.)
Sm R. (moodily).-I am SIR RoxHEART the Revengeful, and I war
against society. I have no particular reason for being revengeful, for
no one has ever injured me, so I attribute it to an inherent taste for
depravity of all kinds. This morning I boiled my aunt; this after-
noon I chopped up my prattling babe.
THE LADY C.-Father, I love ULRIC the Unimpeachable. Consent
to our union. (She prays.)
Sm R.-He is a worthy young man with an undeniable rent-roll,
and perfectly unobjectionable in every respect. I know, dear CLARIBEL,
that he loves you devotedly, and I am perfectly certain that bliss
unutterable would characterize your wedded life. But he dies

NOVEMBER 11, 1865.] F U N. 89

LADY C.-Oh, father!
SIR R.-What !! Dare to dictate.
(He seizes her by the feet, and is about to dash her brains out upon the
wall, when who should come in but OLD BOB BACKSTAY.)
0LD B. B.-What do I see P A lubberly old three-decker bearing
down upon an unarmed punt! Dash my old eyes, that ain't fair!
Sheer off, yer ugly old swab, or abaft my funnel if I don't make you
see more stars than were ever dreamt of in your philosophy.
SI R. (bitterly).-And this, this is a British seaman's return for my
princely hospitality!
OLD B. B. (toaohed).-No, no, SIR ROOKHEART, don't say that. I've
eaten of your beer and drunk of your cheese, I know; and if so be
as ever you're in want of a dinner, you may reckon on OLD BOB
BACKSTAY'S sharing his last halfpenny with your honour; but the
lubber who would stand by and see a innocent and conwulsively
beautiful young gal slaughtered in cold blood by a weak and defence-
less old man without expostulooralating is a wretch whom "'twere
gross flattery to term a coward!" (Unmanned, but recollects himself
and his authority.) TOBIN, ahem!
SIR R.-You are right, worthy fellow, quite right. But I mean to
kill her notwithstanding.
OLD B. B.-Then speak to the man at my wheel, if I don't summon
the whole ship's crew, who will help me to secure your darned old
carcase, "you burgoo-eating, pea-soup-swilling son of a sea-cook!"
MAIRYAT, ahem!
(He whistles. Enter six hundred and forty men of the Matilda Jane,
each with a pistol in each hand, which they point at Sm RoeK-
SIR R.-No !
ALL.-Then die!
(They all snap their pistols, which flash in the pan.)
ALL.-Perdition! Our tweWle hundred and eighty pistols have
been tampered With.
Sm R.-Ha! ha! ha! And learn, ye minions, that next time ye
come to carouse in a British baronet's servants' hall, ye had best not
hang up your pistols in the family umbrella-stand!
SIR R.-Te may say that. ()Takes a revolver from his pocket, and
shoots them all.) Now who shall stay me ?
Enter ULnti the Unimpeachable.
ULRIm.-I will!
SIn R.-Not so!
U'LRIC.-Yes! I love CLABIBEL devotedly, and cannot consent to
stand calmly by while you are dashing her brains out.
SmI R.-This to me in my own freehold? (Aside.) I have a
reversionary interest in all his property, and, if I kill him, twelve
thousand acres of the richest pasture 'land, all the castles on the
Rhine, the vineyards of Ay and Epernay, most of Africa, the Isle of
Wight, the Summer Palace at Pekin, the Island of Ceylon, and the
British Museum will all be mine! Shall I hesitate? No!
(Desperate combat, in which U R.IO is killed.)
Sm R.-So -fare all in whose property Sm ROCKHEART THE
REVENGEPUL has an interesting reversion or remainder! By-the-bye,
the property is entailed on myself and the children of my late wife.
(Sheds a tear.) My late wife is dead (sighs), and (recovering himself) if
I kill CLARIBEL I shall be (triumphantly) Tenant-in-Tail-after-Pessi-
(Kills 'CLAnIEL and takes possession of all the property. His new
tenantry enter and do him homage. Eventually, after a long and
happy life, he dies at a .good oldsage, surrounded by hosts of faithful
and attached dependents.)

An Acid-uous Hint.
WE clip the following.from a fashionable contemporary:
'"Aigreat many: experiments are being made, border, with glycerine treated with
acids asan explosive agent for cannons and small arms. The power is twenty
times greater than gunpowder."
Some old maids who use glycerine to conceal -the ravages of tight-
lacingon their noses should be on their guard-No! though; of course
they wouldn't mind it. They only wish they could "go off."

Quilling-on ,Reasonable Terms.
THE judges of' the -High Court ,in India have appealed to the
Governor-General .against the .Stationery Office. They are only
allowed two dozen quills a-piece every year, and they say they can't
do with less than fifty. What nonsense! Why, the original geese
did with far less :-but these lawyers will have their quillets."

WE should be very glad to know what the English language has
done to certain English actors of tragedy that they should purposely
mispronounce it? Will any of those ingenious gentlemen who write
the correct answers to the impossible questions in Notes and Queries,
inform us why a noble Roman should utter the sound dath for the
word death. Dath means nothing. It conveys no idea of mortality,
immortality, decease, or anything else; whereas death is solemnly
sonorous. At the same time let us propose another question apropos
of the revival of Julius Ccvsar at Drury Lane. Why should (Reader,
this is not a conundrum) why should the poetry of SuAKBxsiRARE be
spoken as if it were a lesson in one syllable for little boys P Such
grand English as
"Ere to black Hecate's summons
The shard-borne beetle, wilh his drowsy hums
Hath rung night's yawning peal, there hall be done
A deed of dreadful note,"
should not be hashed up into,
Deed-of-dread-ful-note !"
SHAKESPEARE should not be sliced up like a sausage. Ministers and
tragedians take the advice of those who, though they wear motley,
love their WILLIAM of Stratford,-and reform it altogether.
At the St. James's MR. MARK LEMON'S farce of The Ladies' Club has
been successfully revived. The honours are divided between Miss
world, or we should say, the readers of FuN, should wish to have pro-
per justice done to the personal charms of the members of the club,
apply to. "We keeps a poet," as the publisher's wife said; a hack
cannot be expected to have a knack for writing an anacreontic.
And talking of ANACREON we have seen Anak (your kind admira-
*tion is requested for the admirable manner in which we have led up to
this formidable joke). Well, Anak is a giant, he is young, he is
twenty-five years of age, and eight feet high. He is to be seen at
,the St. James's Hall alive, alive, alive, oh 1 So is Mn. MACCAnE, so is
PROFESSOn ANDERBON. Go early. Come away early. Children half
price. Nature, She is a rum'un is natur," as Mr. Squeers said-
perhaps exhausted by the terrible dimensions of Anak the Anakim
(PROFESSOR ANDERSON, please polish up your Hebrew, and learn the
difference between the singular number and the plural) has, by way
of compensation invented "little Tom .Dot," who is to Anak as the
Trafalgar-square fountain to Niagara. The Christian name of Anak
is JEAN JosEPH, and his surname BreIE. Not being, like Cassio,
great arithmeticians-a fact to the truth of which our laundress is
willing to take oath before any bench of magistrates-we cannot say
how much taller is Anak from the Vosges mountains than CHANo
from China. Perhaps An-ak-Chang (an action) at law might decide
the question; in the meantime we doubt not t the proprietor of the
Psychomanteum will find Anak an acquisition.*

Interesting tNews from Knowsley.
THE PRINCE and PRinCEss or WALES have been on a visit to the
EARL and COUNTESS or DERBY, and the occasion has been seized,
possibly even improved, for paying printed compliments to the
hospitality of the house of STANLEY, and for republishing in the daily
papers some entertaining and instructive matter from topographical
records, which is all very right and proper. But the Liverpool
journalists go a great way beyond their modest Cockney brethren,
and one zealous reporter seems tohave visited Knowsley with a two-
foot rule in his pocket. This indomitable penny-a-liner has given for
the information of the world (of Liverpool)'the dimensions of LORD
DERBY's dinner-table. Another kind of two-foot rule might advanta-
geously be employedagainst the intrusive and servile busy-bodies who
disgrace the public press-a rule, that is to say, that every two-footed
animal found where he is not wanted, and where he has no earthly
right to be, shall be instantly required to put his best foot forward in
the direction of the place whence he may happen to have come.

"* Con-firm-ation Strong."
A nEAD wall at Blackrook was posted the other day with a notice
to say that whereas the Channel Fleet had been destroyed at Bantry
Bay by the firm Fenians all republicans must be ready to trike." It
strikes us that the Fenians are a firm whose affairs are being wound
up in the Bankruptcy Court, and have -nothing to do with the Fleet

We trust that our contributor will be sufficiently punished by the insertion of
his article without editorial correction or emendation.-EwiTro's NonT.

To Eastward I was faring ;
I had reached the Cross of Charing,
Where KnoG CHARLES is looking at you,
From his steed;
When, inwardly, I trembled,
For the "force," in hosts assembled,
Forbade me by the Statue
To proceed!
Then I saw, for my transgressions,
The longest of processions
That had ever left the City,
I conceive!
The police my cab were staying,
And the mob were all hurraying-
'Twould have moved a Turk to pity,
I believe!
I beheld the man in armour-
That medieval charmer-
Who looked as though his trappings
Didn't fit.
And the Aldermen capacious,
Though they struggled to look gracious,
Couldn't do it in their wrappings,
Not a bit!
And that usual mob was cheering,
Which, although it's fond of beering,
Still a carnal glass of grog it's
Glad to cadge!
But I saw another sort o' men,
The fine old British worter-men,
Who once had pulled for DOGGrTT'S
Coat and Badge.
After guardsmen, after rifles,
And such unconsidered trifles,
Scarcely fit to make a verse on,
I declare-

Through our hearts there went a thrill; lips
Were loudly shouting "PHILLIPS!"
When that splendid incarnation
Of the London Corporation,
The way towards the Abbey
Slowly led,
I felt a sense of wonder,
But I wisely kept it under,
And only muttered, Cabby,
Drive ahead!"

THE following advertisement appeared in a daily paper a little
while since:-
A Baronet wishes to get into the House of Commons. If any one can tell him
of a borough that can be had he will be very glad. This Baronet, from shortness of
time, will not touch on his principles, but will state that he has a bitter dislike for
the Ballot. He intends to attack the mismanagement of existing circumstances."
The honourable gentleman wants a borough that would not object
to a bart. and be open to a barter. No wonder he has a bitter dislike
to the ballot! But really Parliament has not got the management of
existing circumstances !

WHAT'S the difference between TuPPER'S stuff and pork stuffing F
The one is good enough for the sage's saws, and the other for
the sausages.
NOTICE.-Now ready, finely printed on TONED PAPER, with numerous
illustrations, price Twopence,
Now ready, printed on TONED PAPER, price Twopence,
To ADVERTISERs-Our largely increasing circulation compelling us to
go to press earlier, no advertisements can be received after the Thursday
previous to publishing day.

Londen: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phoenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 11, 1865.

NOVEMBER 18, 1865.] F'U N1 91



ILK 4-.-
iKw) )

H that the thing half
man half beast,
That (EDIPus con-
trived to diddle,
Would but assist me in
the least,
In solving many a
knotty riddle.
From which my mind
unaided shrinks-
Oh pray assist me,
learned Sphinx:!
Why, though of fine ac-
quaintance still-
THAT--JONEs keeps
on clacking,
Am I applied to when
that bill
For just a fifty pun'
wants backing P
'Why don't he ask his
swells ?-methinks
I might discover of the

=-- When BuowN -whose
cellar, so he vows,
Holds comet wines that priceless will be-
Comes down to dine with me and spouse,
And sips my unpretending GisLBY,
Why don't he know what trash he drinks ?
I'd fain discover of the Sphinx.
When KUTTEMOUT, my tailor, calls
With patterns and much verbal honey,
His silence on one question galls,-
Why can't he say he wants his money ?
Why he that topic calmly blinks,
Remains a question for the Sphinx.
Why fools will dabble in the stocks-
Why ladies should delight in TuPPER-
Why parsons like to doom their flocks
To lower regions 'stead of upper-
Why timid riders hunt in pinks-
Must be unravelled by the Sphinx.
Why, when a swell the knifeboard mounts-
Why, when a man a parcel carries-
Why, when he's wrong in his accounts,
Or with his pretty housemaid marries-
In the world's nostrils he so stinks
Must be revealed us by the Sphinx.
Why, when a critic what is true
Has of a friend's productions spoken,
There should be such a fierce to-do,
Of ancient friendships rudely broken,"-
Why candour should take forty winks
For an acquaintance,-answer, Sphinx!
Why folks should laugh who ought to cry-
Why folks should fall who shouldn't stumble-
Why those who should be low are high,
Why those who should be high are humble--
Why Lead goes up and Feather sinks
All these are questions for the Sphinx.
Why, when a Queen neglects her task-
Why, when a Minister's a duffer--
Why, when poor men for justice ask-
Why when good men for bad ones suffer-
A writer aren't say what he thinks
Must be decided by the Sphinx.

THAT brilliant creature, DUFFINGTON DASH, ESQUIRE-the refined
humourist, the cultivated musician, and the more or less profound
philosopher-has departed 'this life. We attribute his untimely
decease to a variety of causes, including a broken heart and a railway

accident. By those who enjoyed his personal acquaintance, it is not
likely that DuFFINOTON DASH will be soon forgotten. The oold world,
however, has not yet learnt his value, and it is our proud privilege, in
the present hurried paragraphs, to lead the way to a juster apprecia-
tion of his talents in the art of epigram.
His own opinions respecting this peculiar form of wit and humour
were fixed and immutable. The epigram was, in his eyes, a sacred
thing. He loved it-aye, as many of us have loved a pet quadruped
-with touching fidelity. We will endeavour to explain, as briefly as
possible, his theory of composition.
"An epigram," said he one evening, as we were accompanying him
home from a large literary reunion, should always be short. When
the point has been once insisted on, the subject may be allowed to
drop; for there are more epigrams than one in the world. He who
has written one will in all human probability survive to write more;
for he who is endowed with sufficient affluence of imagination to make
a joke may possibly be possessed of sufficient facility in versifying to
create a rhyme." He then proceeded to explain that the brevity of an
epigram constituted both its charm and its difficulty. "If I wish,"
continued he, "to convey a happy thought in two or four lines, I find
the space insufficient for detailing the circumstances under which that
thought struck me. I, therefore, prefix a copious explanation in prose,
by which means the reader is prepared for my point before com-
mencing the epigram itself." We ventured to remind him that the
same course had been adopted by COLERIDGE, whoso brilliant squib
respecting KUnLA KHAN derives its chief interest from exactly forty-
two lines of prefatory matter, including a little Greek, and an anecdote
about a person from Porlock. "In short," said we, "an epigram
should resemble a pot of anchovy-paste. However discursive may be
the label upon the outside, the contents should be compressed into as
small a space as possible." He agreed with us-which is more than
anchovy-paste ever did.
We have now only two duties before us; to inform an eager public
that DUFFINGTON DASH was of the middle height and impressive deport-
ment, and to lay before the world a small sample of our lamented
friend's genius. A collected edition of his verses will be published
before long, at the request of numerous admirers. In the meantime,
be contented, reader, with the following specimens:-
(On sitting down to an early dinner one Friday, at the house of a
Wesleyan friend, who resided, at that period, in Dalston, but who
shortly afterwards changed his place of residence to Abney-park,
owing to the extreme difficulty of procuring four-wheoled cabs in the
former neighbourhood, especially on wet evenings.)
When the pork and potatoes are both underdone,
At the time of your one o'clock meal,
You should put off the feast till a quarter-past-one,
Or for pork you should substitute veal.
NOTE.-Shortly after this little utt d'esprit was penned, some re-
morseless wag brought it under the notice of the sensitive individual
at whom its barb had been directed. From that moment a coolness
sprang up between DUFFINGTON and his former host. Satire makes
many enemies and few friends.
(On having my attention drawn by an intelligent passer-by to the
dead body of a kitten which lay in the road [not far from the kerb-
stone] at the entrance of Austin Friars, one rainy afternoon in the
month of August, 1862. N.B.--Austin Friars is near the Bank of
England, and this kitten had evidently been born blind.)
Here lies little Pussy, without a chief mourner,
Far, far from her home and her father and mother;
And rich Baron Hambro resides at one corner,
While Foster, the chemist, resides at the other !
NOTrE.-It was in Austin Friars that DUFrINGTON received his mer-
cantile education, and achieved that mastery over the Spanish tongue
which was at one time the envy, admiration, and terror of half Madrid,
and three-quarters of Barcelona.
(Written while coming out of a provincial theatre, many miles from
the metropolis, after listening to the tragedy of Hamlet by SHAREs-
PEARE, in which piece the uncle of the principal character poisons his
own brother in a garden for love of Gonzaga's wife. N.B.-The
Duke's name is supposed to be Gonzaga.)
So deep the anguish I did feel
To listen to the tale of woe,
That hardly did I feel
My neighbour stamp upon my ailing toe.
NOTE.-This is not one of DUFFINGTON's happiest. Probably it was
written while in acute bodily pain. He was a martyr to corns.

TOIL. iI.a


[NoVEMBER 18, 1865.

,- T happens most unfortunately for us that,
7 while we and the Americans are in the
!' position of a dog and cat, not quite
decided on the next move, on the ques-
tion of wrongs and redresses, as to
injuries inflicted by English built
cruisers on the Federal merchantmen,
the Shenandoah should steam into port
and deliver herself up to us. CAPTAIN
WADDELL'S course has not been quite
straightforward. He might have had
reason to disbelieve Northern accounts
of Northern success (which certainly
was proclaimed long before it existed),
but his disbelief was too long-lived
and too unreasoning. Reiterated reports
of a thing not at all unlikely to take
place should have induced him to run
to a neutral port and learn the truth.
It is a little hard to believe that he
should have been so long in real ig-
norance of the fact that the Federals
had captured Richmond, and that the
Southern Confederacy had become a
S^' thing of the past.
THE DUKE OF BucnEuiren-every one
will remember how popular that noble-
man made himself in reference to the
Thames Embankment-has contrived
(,to get his name mixed up with a queer
t s scandal that is just now creating some
-r-- excitement in the musical world. The
^ University of Edinburgh have appointed
S- to the Professorship of Music, rendered
vacant by the death of Mn. DONALDSON,
a certain MR. OAKELEY, whom they elect with a great fanfarade of
trumpets, about the difficulty of choice, &c. Among the candidates for
the post were, besides others, HULLAH and MACrAnREN, both known
men-but the unknown relative of the bold-very bold, BUCCLEUCH,
wins the day. The English School of Music has long been in a
bad way, but the crowning insult has been reserved till now, when a
university considers its interest of so little importance that it puts by
recognized composers for a ducal duffer.
DOEs anybody remember a brief but brisk battle between the artists
and a pseudo art-critic, who went about hawking friendly notices to
painters weak enough to pay an exorbitant price for a worthless series
of lectures ? I'm afraid he is almost forgotten; but I came on him
again the other day in that refuge for the destitute the Times supple-
ment. He is as fine as ever, gliding with a noble disregard of the
common rules of composition from the dignified distance of the third
person into the interested importunity of the first.
pARTNERSHIP. No charge to parties investing, nor any charge to parties re-
quiring partners unless business be done. Mr. B. C. J-, wants 5,000 to
M10,000 for a first-class brewery and an active partner; also several businesses for
clients with sums varying from 500 to 7,000. Send me nothing chimerical, as I'll
not touch any but bona-fide matters. No. 1, ---, etc.
He has evidently renounced art-criticism as a chimerical speculation,
and is going in for malt and hops. Dear, dear! to think of the
Censor on whose dictum depended a painter's fate-especially if he
hadn't bought the lectures-descending to an agency for arranging
partnerships in the coal and 'tater line, or bringing two active
brewers together.
WHAT splendid speeches GLADSTONE has been making! How
Oxford must blush now to think she rejected such a scholar and such
an orator for one who will do her most credit by his silence. The
time will come when the speeches of our political Chrysostom, the
Goldenmouth of Parliament, will be read by an enlightened and
educated generation, that will wonder how we could talk of the orators
of the past while his voice was ringing in our ears. Mind you, I say
this with no reference to politics.
I SAID the other day I would take a survey of the Winter Exhibi-
tion at the French Gallery, and I have kept my word-and don't mind
how often I repeat the process. SANDYS' "Mary Magdalen" is a
picture such as one can expect to see about once in a lifetime. I'd
give many of the much-prized Old Masters for it without grudging.
Then there's a joint-production in the form of a screen, on which a
friendly coterie have expended some good painting, and some quaint
fancies. When I purchase it I shall have the quotations from SHAKE-
SPEARE, given in the catalogue, illuminated on the gold frame, for they
are very aptly culled from a writer who, in spite of the talk, is very

also contribute capital work. FRITH and WARD are vulgar and
meretricious, and, in fact, the R.A.'s and "swells," as a rule, have
WHEN I make a mistake I don't saruple to correct it. I accused the
proprietor of the French Gallery of disingenuously cribbing somebody
else's title, whereas it appears The Winter Exhibition" is a title that
has always belonged to 120, Pall-mall.
Ix consequence of the retirement of Miss NEILSON, the Lyceum is
obliged to come out with a poor adaptation. This is disappointing to
those who, like myself, look to FECHTER for something good-but he
could hardly help himself under the circumstances. However, there's
plenty without that:-a new comedy at the Prince of Wales (though
Lucia is attractive enough without any other aid), and Rip Van Winkle
ought to be enough at one time. The world will be glad to learn that
MR. JEFFERSON settles in England, whereby this country is the richer
by a good actor.
I AM glad to see that the lecture which FUN delivered to a certain
theatrical manager has not been without its effect. A glance at the
bills will show that "Never too late to Mend" is now prefaced every
night by "An Ample Apology." The Serf has been mercifully removed
from the Olympic boards-if the new piece is no better, at all events,
it can't be worse, and it will be new, which is a relief; after a long
attack of neuralgia one is rather grateful than otherwise for a sharp
twinge of rheumatism, if only for the change.

ACT I.-Interior of an Inn, terrace at the back. Beyond terrace, a hilly
country ; below terrace, an underground cavern extending many miles
beyond the farthest hills. Peasants discovered drinking.
PROPRIETOR OF INN.-Once I was a bravo, now I keep an inn. But
still I sometimes do a little in my old line of business.
Enter LEONE SALVIATI, disguised as an ignprovisatore.
ALL.-Tell us the story of the Five Brothers Salviati, and we will
give you a bag of sequins.
LEONI.-I will. Listen. The five brothers swore to defend Cosine
di Medici. In doing so three of them were killed, and two survive.
Have I well earned my money ?
ALL.-You have !
LEONE.-Have I told you enough ?
ALL.-Quite enough !
LEONI (confidentially to audience). -I have clandestinely married
Bianca, the daughter of the Duke d'Albizzi, Cosmo's deadly foe; and
we have a child-a small boy. But nobody knows it!
Enter a Mysterious Person in a Maask.
MYST. P. (to landlord).-Go and murder somebody in a wood, and
I will give you a bag of sequins.
LANDLORD.-I will. [Goes and murders somebody in a wood.
MYST. P.-Ha! ha! No one knows that I am Judael-but soft!
T CosMo. -As everybody is trying to assassinate me, and as a
murderer is planted at every corner, I begin to think that I am
MYST. P.-Here is a passport; it will take you across the frontier.
CosMo.-Thank you. [Exit across the frontier.
MYST. P.-I have spared him because I shall inherit his wealth;
LANDLORD.-I have been and murdered somebody in a wood.
MYsT. P.-Good! [Poisons landlord, and exit.
LANDLORD.-Ha! I don't feel well. No matter.
LEONE.-1 am tired.
LANDLonD.-Have something to drink ? (Gives him drink -from
poisoned cup.) I feel very unwell.
LEONE.-So do I. What can it be ?
LAND.-Perhaps we are poisoned! In fact, I'm sure we are. [Dies.
LEONE.-Oh, agony, so we are! [Falls senseless.
ACT II-Apartment in the L'Albizzi Palace. Enter MYSTERIOUS P.
MYST. P.-Fifteen years are supposed to have elapsed since the last
act. Cosmo rules in Florence, and is going to marry Bianca, the
widow of Leone Salviati.
Enter CosMo and BIANCA. [Exeunt CosMO and BIANCA.
MYST. P.-There is a page, Silvio, who is very fond of Bianca. I
think it is only right that Cosmo should know it.
Enter CoSMO and BIANCA. [Exeunt Cosmo and BIANCA.
MYST. P.-In a casket in Cosmo's sleeping-room are some papers
that will establish something. How shall I get at them?
Enter CosMO and BIANCA. [Exeunt Cosmo and BIANCA.
MYST. P.-I have it. There is a poor devil who has been imprisoned
for fifteen years in the underground dungeons of this palace, so-he is,
of course, the very man for my purpose. Besides, he is dumb-so
dumb that he can neither read nor write. [Exit Myst. P.

NvYEMBER 18, 1865.] F UJ 93

SILYIO (confidentially).-It is all right between Bianca and me, for I
am the son of the late Leone Salviati, and she is my mother, and a
man may not marry his- but pshaw! [Exit Silvio.
Enter MYST. P. and LEONE SALVIATI, chewing a straw to show that he
has been imprisoned for at least fifteen years.
MYST. P.-Go and take a casket from Cosmo's sleeping-room, and
you shall have yoder liberty! [LxONE goes to steal the casket.
Enter CosMo and' IANeA. [Exeunt CosMo and BIANCA.
MYST. P.-Ha! We comes! [Enter LEONE with casket.
MYST. P. (takcing'easket).-Empty! Foiled! And I can establish
Enter Cosmo and BIANCA.
Cosao.-Somebody has stolen a casket from my room, and I rather
think it is Silvio.,
Enter SILvIo.
SILTro.-Nay, sire, I may have my fatiftis, but (proudly) I am no
MYST. P.-No.. The thief ishete! [.PliMting to LEONE SALVIATI.
Cosmo.-Away with him to tfle lowest dungeon beneath the castle
moat. [ T/.,y away with him. Exeunt Cossio and BIANCA.
MYST. P. (to 1Ar. Wtddicomb).-Mr. Widdicomtb, go to Silvio's
chamber--i you ido not hear the Watch-ory "AReERs OF THE
PA LACE, W.er n '" it ten minutes, kill hitam If you do, don't.
M i. WrI.-' Ti well. [soift Jr. Widdicomb.
MYST. P.-It works bravely! [Exit Afgst. P.
Enter LsEOn SALVIATI, lwho is8 #ot dumb after af, ibat (no doubt for some
good reason of his own) has pretended to he so for fifteen years.
trolo" SAt. VATI (to eistry below the window).-AltenIa o' ntth
ACT III.-The Deepest Dungeon beneath the Castle Moat.
S8Lvio.-I am suspected of teing in love with iny poor old mother,
Bianca. But a man may not matry his- but pshaw!
LEONE.-Escape I was confined here for fifteen years, and I know
every stone in the place. It never occurred to me to do so, although
it is the simplest thing ft the world; but I had reasons of my own.
SILVIO.-But how P
LEONE.-You have only got to get out of that window, by tearing
your blanket into strips. Notwithstanding that this is the deepest
dungeon beneath the castle moat, there is a fall of a hundred feet or so
from the window.
SILVIO.-But who are you?
LEONE.-You are your mother's son !
SILVIo.-Then you must be my father!
LEONE.-YOW!!! [They kiss each other frantically.
LEONE.-Now escape.
SILVIo.-I will! .[Escapes.
Enter Cos&mo and BIANeA. [Exeunt CoSMO and BIANCA.
LEONE.-My son is safe!
Enter MYST. P.
MYST. P.-Where is the prisoner ?
LEONE.-He has escaped.
MYST. P.-What--you are not dumb ?
MYST. P.-Thedl die!
LEONE.-Not SO. I have a sword.
MYST. P. (aside).-There is a secret trap between him and me, I will
lure him on to it, and he will fall in! (Aloud.) Are you aware that
I am the cause of all your misery ?
MYST. P. (aside).-Good-he advances! (Aloud.)-I am the evil
genius of your family. 'Twas I that strangled the family kitten!
LEONE.-Yow!!! yow!!!
MYST. P. (aside).-Good -he advances! (Aloud.) 'Twas I that
filled your boots every morning with black beetles!
LEONE.-Yow !yow yow !! !
MYST. P. (aside.)-Good he advances! (Aloud.) 'Twas I that
blunted the edge of your razors every morning !
LEONE.-Yow!! yow yow! !! yow!!!
MYST. P. (aside.)-Good- he advances! (Aloud.) 'Twas I that
sent organ-grinders to play under your window!
LEONE.-Too much! too much! (Rushes at Myst. P., but seeing
trap avoids it.) No, you don't!
MYST. P.-foiled!
The prison wall opens and discovers CosMO DI MEDICI and BIANCA sur-
rounded by nobles and elderly fairies in white beards.
Cosmo (to Leone).-As Bianca is your wife I cannot marry her. But
that is nothing. Take her, and be happy. As for you, Mysterious
Person, you ought to be ashamed of yourself !

[NOTE.--Unfortunately, on the occasion four tisit to the lyeeum Theatre,
the curtain fell a few minutes before the picoe was finished, and the
following lines were consequently cut out.]
CosMo (to LEONE).-
Your troubles now shall end, and joys begin,
So change at once to spangled Harlequin!
[LEoNm changes to Harlequin.
(to BIANCA).-
Bianca, with Leone you shall shine,
Change into graceful, sprightly Columbine !
[BIANeA changes to Columbine.
(to Mn. WmIDDICOM).-
Now, Mr. Widdicomb, I'll change you seet
Itto a feeble, crazy Pantaloon!
[WID coICOM OhAnes to Pantaloon.
(to MYsT. P.)-
Mysterious Person, roam about the townt
As merry, lAughing, mischief-loving Clown!
[MtIs.P. 4eae"N to Cl0wn.
Rally. Coloured Fire. Comic .Busihes.

Eggs-traordinary BargAia.
CAPITALISTS I Now is your time Bloated princes of commnorce
with millions to spare, your opportunity has arrived! Do you know
what a Moa or a Dinornis is? No! We thought not. Is it not
terrible to think of the ignorance of the nppet atfd the wealthy
classes ? Out with your cheque-books) t ke your pens in hand, and
then read:
Egg of the Moa or Dinornis, from NeW Zealand. tan. JT. C BT sviN has re-
ceived instructions to offer for sale by auction at his Great Roonm, Covent-garden,
on Friday, the 24th day of November, 1865, at two o'clock, specimen, nearly
perfect, of this very rare and remarkable egg, the bird of which is isoae preseied to
be quite extinct. The egg has just arrived, per ship Ravensernig, and is probably
the inornis ingsns of Owen. The egg will be on view the day prior and morning
of sale."
(Here follows an account of the discovery of the egg, from the
Wellington papers.)
This egg, the bird of which is presumed to be extinct, which is nearly
a perfect specimen, and is probably theo Dinornis ingens, whatever
that may be, of Owen, has no yolk inside it, and the shell is cracked,
which cheering facts are supposed to increase its value in the eyes of a
virtuoso or a collector. It-the egg, and not the virtuoso or collector-
has been insured for a thousand pounds. How refreshing it is to hear
that it has "just arrived," per ship Ravensoraig (this ought to be
Ravens(cr)egg), and is probably, &c." The estimated value of this
exquisite specimen of what might have been a bird had it been hatched,
and lived to have feathers and to moult, is enormous. Ono amiable
enthusiast-ho is still at large, and treated in the kindest manner by
his family-has offered 250 for it, but that paltry sum has been
refused indignantly, and the egg is still open to competition. No
family should be without one, and doubtless the egg, which is pro-
bably the Dinornis ingens of Owen"-remember that-will become
the prize of some fortunate capitalist. It will be cheap at 500.
Possibly if it fetches a decent price it will incite an emulation in the
breasts of the natives of New Zealand to discover more Moas-may
we say Moa Moas ?-indeed the sale by auction of the eggs of extinct
birds is what London Arabs would call "a new lay."

Poor Deer I
"PROFESSOR GANGEE is appealing to any public-spirited nobleman,
who may be able to spare a deer from his park, to send one or two to
the Albert Veterinary College, with a view to determine whether the
animal is liable to infection by the cattle plague." Perhaps this is the
very coolest "appeal" ever made in the interests of (veterinary)
science. Cannot PROFiESSOR GAMGEE rest satisfied with his licenco to
kill, and to prevent all attempts to cure diseased cows and oxen,
without seeking an apology for the destruction of a distinct species of
animals, among which no symptom of the cattle plague has yet
appeared ? We trust that all public-spirited noblemen, with more
deer than they know what to do with, will hit upon some better plan
of getting rid of them than sending them to try and catch the affec-
tion so learnedly and complacently pronounced by PnoviBssHO GAMOElH
to be incurable. We also trust that our artists will miss the oppor-
tunity-valuable as it may be in an occasional dearth of subjects for
the weekly "cartoon "-of depicting Mn. GAMOEE, in As eou Like
It, addressing his "lords," the inspectors, as follows :-" Come, lot us
go and kill us vonison."

J [NOVEMBER 18, 1865.

,F,,, ''


THiE Donqal's captain was walking the deck A COUPLE of years ago, one R. CONINGSBY" made himself rather
With his Dolland tucked under his elbow, conspicuous by a letter to the Times, in which he declared that the
When he was aware of a certain small speck working-men of England were indifferent to political reform, and
On the-(which I'm unable to tell)-bow. preferred "reading PLATO in a translation."
The look-out perceived it as well, and he cried MRn. CONINGSBY has since been the manager of what he calls an
At once, On the deck there, below! A Anglo-French Exhibition," at the Crystal Palace, and he now ad-
Strange sail!" And soon after she came alongside dresses a circular to the exhibitors, from which we select a few delight-
The Confederate ship, SShznandoah. ful morsels. "The exhibition has been financially a failure," he
admits. What of that? I would, however, humbly submit to you
Said WADDELL, the captain, politely, Old boss, that an undertaking like the one in which you, sir, and I, have been
I've just learnt that six months ago nearly engaged, can scarcely be fairly judged from the pecuniary point of view."
The Yankees have guy the Confederate goss, Why not? The pecuniary point of view is a test which we do not
So I guess I cave in purty clearly." scruple to apply to MR. GLADSTONE, shall we be more squeamish with
SM. CONINGSBY ? "Under these circumstances, more especially whlci
The s captainn smiled not in the least, the costliness and horrors of war are considered, my conunittee believe that
But whipped under his elbow his Dolland: in this their attempt to celebrate a jubilee of peace by means of an
Says he, "Have you heard that QUEEN ANNE is deceased, international exhibition, their labour has not been altogether thrown
And the Dutch have made capture of Holland? away." We dare say it has not. MR. CONINGSBY is hardly a fool.
===___ = tilBut what is the meaning of the cant about the costliness and horrors
of war ? Owing to the pecuniary embarrassments of the com-
ANY PORT IN A STORM. mittee, I regret to have to announce that they will be unable to give
WE sec it announced that the commercial travellers of Great prizes of intrinsic value." PLATO, if you like; but not silver plate,
Britain have subscribed the cost of two lifeboats. This is right, for oh! Mn. CONINGSBY, however, is ready to give "permission to the
by their old wine rules they must know what heavy losses may accrue exhibitor to use the dies of the committee to have a silver medal struck
on account of a bad port. if wished for." There is something rather neat in this idea, every
_________________ man his own medallist!" And finally the exhibitor is to be allowed
to dine with MR. CoNINoGsY on payment of five shillings. "Several
A JUDGE OF(F) A HORSE. eminent public men have already promised to attend, and others will
WE are happy to state that CHIEF JcsTICE ERLE has recovered, be invited." We are rather curious to know the names of the "cmi-
What has been the matter with him ? Didn't ou know he was nont public men who arc anxious to have anything more to do with
Erled from his horse. Mu. CONINGSBY.

FU FU .-NOVEMBER 18, 1805.

I _


Captain of the Shenandoah (to British Pilot) :-" CAN YOU TELL ME WHETHER QUEEN ANNE IS DEAD 7"

OVEMBER 18, 1865.]

I sAYs, BuowN, do as you please," for known' what a worret he
is, and one of those peculant dispositions, I thought it was as well as
he should go hisself, and so he did; but when he come home and said
as he'd gone in for a rosewood sweet at twenty-two guineas, all I says
was "Rubbish! "
And true my words was proved as ever the sun set upon, for of
all the things as that Tottingem-court-road can produce I never see
the like.
When they was brought in, my heart misgive me for them men's
feet, as I know'd must be filthy. So I says, "Bring 'em as far as
the parlour-door, for bein' on castors me and SARAK can wheel 'em
in easy." So we did, but, law bless you, them white cheney castors
was that brittle as to crumble like ashes on the lips, as the sayin' is.
So I says to the young man, I -says, Them castors must be took
off and proper ones put," as promised me faithful should be done the
next day following as it's now more than a fortnight, and me never
to set a eye on, as is a young man that conspicuous with coal-black
whiskers and a squint as made your eyes water for to look at.
Well, we got the things in, as looked very well on my new carpet,
as covers both rooms thro' bein' a large pattern of roses in bunches,
with rugs of a Newfoundland and a sleeping' lion, as is BRowN's
taste; not as I held with furniture thro' its bein' green, as is a un-
lucky colour, for well I remembers Mns. WHITESIDE, as lived near
Horselydown, a-havin' on it and her husband thro' the court in no
time, and obliged for to go back to her father, as was a bed-ridden
man with twins.
BnowN he would have green, and if hoe didn't go and buy curtains
with yellow fringe, as was a different shade from the furniture, as
was covered in rip, and rip it proved, for I never see such stuff to tear,
and them is rips as sells it.
Certainly they was beautiful chimley-glasses, as come to ten
guineas thro' takin' a pair, and the young man put up the front room
one, a-takin' off his shoes, as proved he'd a tidy wife, for I never see
stockings more darned nor neater, but thro' not havin' long nails
wasn't able for to fix the back room as he stood agin the wall, and
just as things was pretty straight who should come in but MRBs.
BRODLINS, as is own sister to MaRS. YARDLEY, and her figure all over
thro' them a-takin' after the mother's side, as was that lusty as
brought on palpitations, as took her sudden, as the sayin' is.
Glad I was to see her, for I don't believe there is a fairer-hearted
woman out as would give you her last crust, which some begrudges.
So I says, "Take a setting MRas. BRODLINS, mum, on my new sofy,
as nobody ain't more welcome."
Down she sets, and I heard a crunch like, as was the back leg give
way, up goes her 'eels, down goes her 'ead with a hollar crash. I goes
for to save her, and if she didn't pull me right on to her, as was more
than that sofy could bear up agin, and away it went back'ards
altogether, and I do believe as we should be in that corner to this very
hour if SARAH hadn't called back the men as had brought the things,
as managed to pull us up.
Certainly I don't see as there was anything to laugh at, as I told
SA.An pretty plain, and them men too, as was a-makin' free in their
remarks about 'eavy weights.
As to them easy chairs, they was a mockery, as gave way with
Buown the second time as ever he set on it, and one of them six
drawin'-room chairs, as was very bowed about the legs, I was
a-settin' on it givin' of SARAH a character to a lady, as is going' to
better herself, as I don't see it myself with nine in family, and all the
washin' done at home. I was a-sayin' as she was a willing' gal to that
lady, tho' required looking' after, when with no more warning' than
nothing' if that chair didn't fly to bits like splinter bars under me,
there wasn't a bit bigger than my hand, and as to stuffed with horse-
hair, why it was haybands, as no doubt is the case all round.
BRowN he says to me, "You're always a-growlin' and a-howlin',"
as if castors was trifles as come off everything. So he brings some
home for to put 'em on hisself, but, law bless you, the wood wouldn't
hold the screws as he got, so he had for to take 'em all off, as has
made that sofy scrape my carpet raw.
BnowN he wouldn't hear a word again the things, and had the man
in for to mend the leg of the sofy, as he said wasn't never intended
for to bear two hipplepotumuses, illudin', in course, to Mns. BRODLINS
and me, as brought on words thro' me a-sayin' as it wasn't a epitaph
for to apply to a lady.
And glad I was for to see it come home to him thro' his own aunt, as
is a elderly party, and that 'ard of 'earin' as she says thro' a-sleepin'
with a crack of the window open as come close agin her tester; but I
say rubbish, for it's my opinion as seventy-eight is about the size on
it, as she must be if she's a hour thro' my own dear mother bein' only
two years' difference, as never see but three score and six.
Well, the old lady she'd come to tea, and precious cranky too, and
made remarks about the housee as I didn't care for. So I says, Mas.

CAnDING, mum, is your tea agreeable P but law, I might as well a-
spoke to Aldgato Pump, for she only says, "It must be gone six,"
which it were not, and her temper ruflled thro' me not a-teain' at
five punctual, as I should have done if the gal, thro' bhin' a stranger,
hadn't forgot the kittle.
Well, the old lady she'd got her mouth full of muffins a-goin' to
take a cup of tea, when a something' give way in that sofy, and shot
her up like a cork from a bottle. I never see such a thing. If I
didn't think she'd gone sudden mad when I see the cup and saucer
fly up, and her give a jump ever so high, a-sendin' the tea all over
the place, and her a-gulpin' at that muffin as wouldn't go up nor
Cough, I believe she did cough, till I thought as strangulation was
to'be her end; and when she drawed her breath agin she did sot to
and abuse everything, and made BuowN cut the sofy open to prove
as it wasn't no trick as we'd been and played, as was proved thro' it's
bein' a spring as had got broke, throw' that SAnRAH, I do believe,
a-standin' on that sofy for to pull back the curtain, as got hitched the
very day before as she was a-cleanin' up aforo leaving as was always
too flyaway a gal for me.
It was well as we proved to the old lady as it was the woerk as had
give way, or I don't believe as she'd ever have spoke .to us agin, for
she thought as it was fireworks under her, as has a pretty income.
Not as I cares for her money, tho' she can't tako it with her, and not
a soul but BRowN for to leave it to. But she come round agin with a
drop of something in her tea for to settle her nerves, as was shook to
fiddlestrings I could see, and had give me a nasty all-overish turn as
made me feel all of a chill, as something hot is the only thing as will
I was that put out with them things, for the wencor on the claw
table had bulged up like a human blister, that I says, "I'm a-goin'
for to see MRS. BRODLINS, as lives in Marrybone, and if I don't give
that furniture man a bit of my mind my name ain't MARTHA." So I
goes by the 'bus from Kennington, as put me down close by Mus.
BRODLINS, where she appointed for to meet me, and as she was a-goin'
shopping' according' to agreement.
We walks along Oxford-street, and after a-looking at the shops I
asks her if she'd mind a-stoppin' as far as Tottingem-court road,
and as soon as we got there I see the shop as I remembered the namo
on immediate, and there was a man and a woman a-standin' outside,
with walnut sweets in the winder. The man he says to me, What
can I show you to-day ?"
Well," I says, "I wish as you'd show me some furniture, and not
the rubbish as you've sent home to me, as is a mass of fragments,
and a downright disgrace for any one to look at, leave alone to seot
upon. So he stares, and up comes the woman a-askin' what I was
So I says, "I can speak agin, tho' pr'aps you mayn't caro to hear
it, as is a gang of swindlers." What are you a-talkin' about ?"
says she.
"Your furniture," says I, "as is ketchponny rubbish as you sent
to South Lambeth without a castor as didn't scrunch under your own
weight." So she says, You did ought to have cast-iron to bear you;
but," she says, I scorn your words, for I never sent you no furniture,
and never see you before," and turns round.
I says, You'll deny your own name, I suppose." So the fellow as
was dustin' with a feather broom he says, Now stop along, if you
please, and don't be kickin' up no row here."
I says, "You take back your rubbish, and give me back my money."
He says, "Who's got your money ?"
I says, "You! for," I says, I've got the card," as I was a long
time a-gettin' out thro' my pocket being' that dctep; but," I says,
"here it is, deny that if you can." So he says, That's not my card ;"
and if I hadn't been and made a mistake about the name, as it was the
wrong shop, and I don't know what would have happened, only Mus.
BaODLInS she ketched 'old on me and pulled me on quick, and that
man and woman hollared after me as 1 must be mad or drunk, and
hooted at us, and I do believe if we hadn't took a cab as we should
have been mobbed.
And next time as BRowN makes a bad bargain he may get out of
it hisself, for the way as he abused me for interforin' was downright
outrageous, and all I got to say is no more of your sweets for mn, but
steady-made furniture as will bear the humann form,

The New Judge.
THE Alliance should greatly rejoice
That its objects are carried so far;
Since thanks to the Chancellor's choice.
There will be no more Lusa at the bar !

CAUTION TO THE LABIEs.-A silk dress should never be sat-in.


[KOVEMBER 18, 1865.



I CARE not whether poets sigh
"Parting is sorrow sweet,"
I find 'tis pain to say good-bye,
'Tis sweeter far to meet.
Although I practise strength of mind,
When weaker feelings flow,
The obstacle I always find
Is "ARTHUR, MI8t you go ?"
The other night I took "pot luck"
Alone at GENERAL Loxo's,
'Twas late, for twelve o'clock had struck,
But sweet were ETHEL'S songs.
I rose, but who could stand that look,
When ETHEL whispered low,
"Papa, is sleeping o'er his book,
Oh! ARTHUR must you go ?"
As sure as summer comes I grieve,
My holidays are short,
'Twas hard indeed this year to leave
The girls at Manor Court.
The old, old tale, What, go away
Before the Flower Show,
The fair-haired ROBSONS come to-day,
So, ARTHUR, must you go ?"
Only last night I met by chance
A dear old friend of mine-
The same ,warm heart and open glance-
He asked me home to dine.
We talked 'till four, I thought of bed,
Why ;-am I getting slow ?
We have not met for years," he said,
Old fellow, must you go ?"

It is not pleasant every day
Invariably to find,
When I have torn myself away
I've left my heart behind.
Cannot blind fate to ease my pain,
Some kinder lot bestow ?
If people wish me to remain
Why should I have to go ?

REVERED AND HONOURED SIR,-When a man has arrived at the
period of NICHOLAS, he is not over likely to take a sanguineous and
enthusiastical view of human nature; but never you believe, Mr.
Editor, what the cynic would tell you with regard to the innate de-
pravity of the mortal heart. It is only when a man is really down
upon his luck that he knows how much good nature and benevolence
is possessed by those around him, a conspicuous instance of such
having been your generous insertion last week of my countrybution at
enormous length at a time when my literary earnings are almost the
only emolumentary resources which a ruinons old man can metaphori-
cally fall back upon, although he considers that some of your editorial
commentations, however well meant, were less calculated to convey the
idea of your regarding him in the light of Age and Virtue under a
temporary cloud of adversity than of one who was rather a disreput-
able old tout.
Your Prophet has likewise to acknowledge the extreme kindness of
his temporary landlady, MRS. Cnu'rs, than whom I am sure a more
amiable person, though, perhaps, a little middle-aged; and remark-
able, indeed, have been the increased kindness since the appearance of
your paper (Number Twenty-six of the New Serious) where she was
put in print, she having been previously rather distrustful whether
NIcHOLAS was indeed the eminent man he represented, but on seeing
him to be really your Sportive Editor, and as such in the possession
of a moderate but certain income, immediately came up-stairs to
inquire whether the Prophet would object to such a thing being
offered as a few shrimps for a relish to his tea, and very nice they were.
Yes, Sir, woman's heart is indeed a well-spring of affection; and I send
you a slight installment of a poem on the subject in emulation of the
"Elegy in a Country Churchyard." I call it an "Elegy in a Ber-
mondsey Parlour," and the first line must be understood as purely

figurative, taking such a liberty in real life being what NICHOLAS
would never dream of doing so if sober:-
Here rests his head upon the lap of CRIPPs,
A Prophet who to FUN was well beknown;
But Fortune frowned on his autumnal tips,
And Gardevisure marked him for her own."
And may send you other specimens of what he will venture to invoke
as the Eligiac Mews.
But if you, Sir, have been more than kind, and if Mns. Cronrs be
all my fancy painted her, only in still more roseate hues, how dif-
ferent has been the treatment he receives from many who ought to
have known better!
Never until Michaelmas had your Prophet been behind hand with
the rent for his Belgravian mansion, and to all his servants he wa
really benevolent, without the longwindedness of a person by the
name of REsxiN, which has recently been writing to the papers on
the subject, and seems to be a sort of a house-agent, though a little
unintelligible. And yet, Sir, what were the expressions of the land-
lord when told that NICHOLAs must relinquish his palatial abode,
and would be glad of a little time to make up the quarter's rent ?
Sir, he said, I am glad to get rid of you at any price, and to free
my house from the incubus of a notorious betting-man, who has at
length met with the proper fate of his disgraceful avocations ; and
this, Sir, after many is the glass of sherry-wine that he has partook
at my expense !
This is not the only indignity your NICHOLAS has had to endure.
His valet, meeting him promiscuous at a public I use, abso-
lutely turned up his purse-proud nose at one who had seen better
days, and spoke of him to the landlady as "a low reporter;" but I
remembered the dignity of Literature, Sir, as one entrusted with your
confidence, and bearing likewise in mind the period at which I have
arrived, NICnioLAS forebore to smite the arrogant menial to the earth,
and being a very nicely sanded floor, and only regarded him with a

NOVEMBER 18, 1865.] F TJ N'. 90

contumelious expression to which the glare of the angriest basilisk i8
a gentle glance of connubial affection. And then, Sir, leaving the
house and paying my score with a conscious dignity of a honest
though a ruinous old man, I wended my way to another establishment,
where a man is still treated as a man in spite of unmerited pecuniary
affliction, and washed away the memory of the insult in a glass of
something warm.
A few of my friends are talking of "A NICHOLAS TESTIMONIAL,"
in recognition of his services to the Turf. You may possibly re-
member, Sir-not that you know much about sportive matters, nor
ever did, though the ablest of editors and the best of friends-that a
similar compliment was recently paid to ADMIRAL REos.
I have a good thing for next year's Derby.

Fon what purpose do our very intelligent readers suppose that
the British army is maintained in its present state of efficiency ?
For the defence of our hearths and homes ? No. For the pre-
vention of foreign invasion ? No. To quell the Fenians ? No.
For the glory of the British name ? No. For the admiration of
little boys and servant-maids P? Oh, dear, no. For none of these
high purposes is our army kept up, but only for the special benefit and
profit of the British grocer and tea-dealer. At least so his organ of
currant literature, The Grocer, informs us.
. The authorities at Woolwich and Chatham have lately been experi-
menting on the possibility of putting a good many pence weekly into
the pockets of the British soldier without increasing the army estimates
one farthing, by supplying him with his beer, tea, coffee, and sugar
at wholesale prices. The experiment, as far as it has gone, has suc-
ceeded admirably, and has, in the case of Woolwich and Chatham,
shown that our soldiers can do. very well without that gorging cor-
morant, the canteen man. But the Woolwich grocers are not to be
done out of their profits upon the sanded sugar, and birch-broomed
tea that they hitherto sold to the British soldier. They meet, they
pass resolutions, they unearth some forgotten rule contained in the
" Regulations and Orders for the Army," to the effect that it is
desirable that the troops should be supplied with groceries from local
sources. They have held meetings, they have passed resolutions, they
have written to the organ of their order, The Grocer, they are going to
petition Parliament, and intend carrying their complaints to the foot
of the throne if necessary. The British soldier always has been their
lawful prey, and they mean him always to remain so.
The Artillery barrack canteen has violated every principle of the
British constitution, Magna Charta, the bill of rights, &c., &c., by
selling good groceries at wholesale prices, and has actually had the
impudence to refuse the British tradesman access to his former victims.
Not only this, the canteen is now manned with a staff of soldier as-
sistants in black coats, and white ties, in the place of drunken, dirty
potboys, and instead of being ruled by a voracious canteen keeper, it
is watched over by a committee of officers who have the assurance to
see that all the liquors are of the best quality.
Is this to be bornO? No. They have sworn it on their scales and
sugar scoops, and they are going to memorialize the War-office to
restore things to their former footing.
Cunning grocers and tea-dealers I They well know their best friends
are the powers that be at the Horse Guards and Pall Mall, who, if
sufficiently worried by these tradesmen, are exceedingly likely to show
themselves what they always have been, the enemies of the units of
our army, and take their stand on their old and stupid regulations.

nisum1r- ta rrmC T lib'ents.

SIo A.-"The Pilgrimage" is not quite in our walk. "The
Strains" were better, but unsuitable in subject. If parmacoti is good
for an inward bruise, it might be good for strains-still, if you get the
effect you must not mind a little straining after it.
EIXEER, jun., uses a good deal of bad language to convince us that
Scotch is not jargon. What will he say when he learns that Mns.
Bnown is a Scotchman ? We are not alarmed by his awful threat
that he will cease to "take in FuN "-he never has taken it in-it has
only been an outward application; and, as to his "advising his friends
to do the same," his friends, if he have any, will know him too well
to listen to his advice. Only we stipulate that he shall spend the
bawbee so saved in paying.for EIXKER, juvenissimus, the extra tor
"manners," which have been so neglected in the case of E., junior.
H.H.B.-Author of a "Fly Leaf" will find a fly left at the office
till called for-declined with thanks.
WHT do we all drink table beer? Because every one has his weak

THERE is as much difference between the audience that assembles
at the Lyceum on the first night of a new piece, and the usual first
night" attendants at a theatre, as between a special train and an ordi-
nary ditto. Mn. FECnTER doubtless feels complimented by this im-
portant fact. Everyone knows that any play produced under the
management of this celebrated Parisian-London actor, who is the
theatrical incarnation of the entente cordial, is sure to have been the
subject of careful study, minute research, and elaborate detail. Civi-
lized people like their dramatic food, as well as their animal and
vegetable refreshment, cooked, and not raw, and Mu. FECUTEIi iS
about the only chef we have in London. He does not produce a piece
in large lumps on the principle that an oil-striker" would give a
dinner if left to his own devices. Hero you are obet hot! all hot!
mock turtle hot! fish hot! joints hot puddings hot! brandy sauce
hot! port hot! sherry hot! punch hot! and lots of everything Eat,
clatter, be happy and dyspeptic!" No. Mi3. rECnUTER serves up
daintier dishes, fit for refined palates. In place of plum-pudding he
offers you an omelette; instead of punch he presents you with tokay
in a curiously carved and quaintly-cut wine-glass. Hence the special
audience we speak of, hence the presence of literary and artistic
notabilities. It is pleasant to see the authors of fanouis books and
poems, and painters of famous pictures, beaming from their private
boxes like ordinary mortals. Hence the charming toilettes and the
charming faces in the stalls, the handsome snowy opera cloaks, and
the still handsomer, snowier shoulders. But we must not pursue this
dangerous though charming theme. We know our place, and when a
description of that sort of thing is required, we move aside and yield
the pen to the author of Lady Clare, The Miller's .Daughter, and The
Queen of the May.
However, with the strongest predilection for Miu. FECHTESI, and his
style of "mounting" his productions, we cannot commend him for his
choice of the piece with which he has opened this, his present season.
The Watch Cry is not worthy of the adapter, the theatre, the company,
or the management. The Watch Cry is entirely devoid of any central
interest whatever. The incidents and the complications arising from
them are extremely ingenious, and the situations are striking and
dramatic. But these advantages will not atone for the complete ab-
sence of any love story, for the entire lack of what is called in the green-
room "female interest," and the weakness of every character except
the principal one. On the first night The Watch Cry lasted above three
hours, and three hours, unless there be a strong love interest or very
excellent comedy, is a long time. In one of SHiAKESPEAi,'s greatest
"sensation" scenes, the trial scene in the Merchant of *Venice, where a
Jew is about to slice flesh from off a Christian's breast, every now and
then Gratiano has an amusing line to speak. Even when cruelly is
defeated by a quibble, and the sword of the law hangs over the head
of the disappointed Hebrew, Gratiano talks comedy. The scene would
be too horrible but for this relief. Possibly the fool" appears upon
the heath with Lear, for the same good reason. The one effect of the
new drama, the giving of the watch-cry to the Palaco guard by theo
emaciated prisoner, who is supposed to have lost the power of speech,
is admirable, and had the effect of rousing the audience to enthusiasm.
We wore sorry though that MR. FECHTER had to remain dumb
throughout a whole act, for the sake of producing this effect, though
now that we think again he was not dumb, his face and his eyes spoke
though his tongue was silent. It is needless to say that Mn. FECuT R
acted throughout with grace and truthfulness, with the picturesque
tenderness of a gipsy-mother, and the fiery chivalry of a knight-
errant. The rest of the dramatic persona were more stage lay-figures.
No actors could have done more with them than the members of the
-troupe of the Lyceum. The parts were long, and that was all, with
the exception of the one allotted Mu. RAYMOND, who played a rough,
unscrupulous bravo excellently. We fear that The Watch Gry is not
destined to be a success. There are rumours of Edgar of Ravenswood
and of Romeo. Mu. FECHTER should always make love--he does it
so well.
King John has been revived at Drury-lane, with great pomp and
splendour. If we defer our notice of it, it is because King John will
keep, whereas The Watch Cry is composed of materials that are perish-
able. An account of the two hundred suits of armour, of the two
hundred supernumeraries enshrined therein, of cruel John, unfortunate
Arthur, ambitious Constance, artful Pandulph, scrupulous Hubert,
abused Austria, and gallant Fitzroy Faulconbridge, may safely be post-
poned, for they will be to be seen-alivo-for many nights to come.

THE savants, not contented with the comicalitioes they are geifty of
in their serious publications, are going to bring out a Comic Scien-
tific" paper. They propose to call it Gammon and Spinach-why not
Bubble and Squeak, which is what it is likely to do.


[NOVEMBER 18, 1865.

SoME time since we gave a picture of "Mossoo" in Little France,
now it is Jonx BULL'S turn to be marked down in the same locality.
The caf6 which he most frequents in this neighbourhood is named after
a French victory in Italy, let us say Magenta, and it imports into the
centre of London an air of the Boulevards, which makes JoNEs, who
has been twice to Paris for three days, say that it reminds him of that
delightful city. But it has a charm for people who know more about
Paris than even JoNEs-people who lift their hats easily to Madame, at
the comptoir, and who can manage more lingo than JoNEs. JoNES is
noble in his first sentence to the garqon, but if that worthy makes a
reply that requires a further remark in answer, JONES returns to his
native tongue, which at all events he does not speak quite so imper-
fectly as French.
To the placid philosopher who pens these lines, the S- the
Magenta (the P. P. begs pardon) is a source of endless and calm delight.
He has seen Podger, Bodger, and Snodger, City clerks, come in and
order plain chops and plain potatoes, things which are simply raw
material in the eyes of a French cook, and grumble at the beer,
which is about the best in London, for the plain reason that the adul-
teration of British beer is a science yet unlearnt by the foreign pro-
prietary of the Magenta. However, as P. B. and S. don't know beer
when they get it pure, the Placid Philosopher can only pity their
ignorance, and pray for the continuance of that of the foreign pro-
prietor. He also sees a gentleman who is much addicted to athletic
sports come in with a friend, who is going to dine. Athletic party
"has dined," but will "take a snack" for company's sake. Athletic
party takes about a dozen dishes, winding up with plum pudding and
sweet omelette, and is horrified to find the bill exceeds five shillings.
The Placid Philosopher not being athletic, enjoys a cosy little dinner,
say half-a-dozen courses, and drains his modest bottle of Macon, and
thon takes his cigar and his one luxury, a glass-say a glass-of
Chartreuse Jaune, and he reflects that he might have dined for double
the amount, on half the choice of dishes, with one-tenth of the com-
fort, and heo begins to agree with JONES that it is Tray jolly de
doenay issee."
Of the varieties of people who frequent the caf6 no catalogue can
be given on a smaller scale than that of the British Museum. Besides
Jon" BULL, travelled and untravelled (who is more especially the

subject of the Placid Philosopher's essay), there are foreigners from
every quarter, Spaniards, Italians, Germans, French, and Russians; and
the things they cat, and the way in which they eat them strike
wonder and sometimes alarm into the breast of JONES. How such a
polyglot custom is met is a mystery only to be unravelled by the
polyglottest garoun that ever totted up l'addition and carried twenty
dishes and three bottles of different wines in his head at once. The
Placid Philosopher verily believes that if CHANG walked into the
Magenta to-morrow and asked for puppy pie, that garcon would without
an instant's hesitation, inform him in the best Pekinese that it was not
on the carte. And how polite he is to the ladies! For ladies do come
there; quiet little Frenchwomen who dine all alone, quite at ease and
unmolested, and Monsieur who keeps the boot shop not far off (and is
unconscious of the terrific meaning of the inscription over his door,
" Percussion Screwed Boots,") brings Madame and his daughter, and
they dine very comfortably, and very cheaply.
Of course the Briton Rampageous who doesn't like these con-
founded French mosses," and the Briton Snobbish, who puts up an
eyeglass he can't see through, when a lady enters the caf6, occasionally
stray into the precincts, or people intrude whom one would not ask
into one's drawing-room; but on the whole this caf6 in Little France
is quiet, and pleasant, and respectable, and a man who doesn't care to
have a mountainous joint bleeding under his nose, and who is not eaten
up with the desire to pay half-a-crown for a bottle of wine which MR.
GLADSTONE has arranged to let him have at eighteenpence, may enjoy
a good and cheap dinner there, and-oh, rare privilege and most
valuable!-may smoke his cigar afterwards without stirring and with-
out incommoding his neighbour. And that neighbour! Why such is
the influence of the place he will allow you to ask him if he objects
to smoking while he is eating, and drop into a chat, just as if you
were not both Englishmen.
"Pst Charles ; encore de Chartreuse "

Nsow ready, printed on TONED PAPER, price Twopence,
To ADVERTISERS.-Our largely increasing circulation compelling is to
go to press earlier, no advertisements can be received after the Thursday
previous to publishing day.

London: Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phonix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER,
at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-November 18, 1865.

NOVEMBER 25, 1865.] FU N.J 101


AINT ANTHONY, so legends tell,
In many a sore temptation fell
From diabolic imps.
They took a thousand funny shapes,
They trooped like rats, they mowed like apes,
They jumped like agile shrimps.
They played-upon their noses-tunes,
They danced-in flagons-rigadoons,
His notice to engage.
They frisked as bat, or mouse, or midge
Still striving vainly to abridge
The studies of the sage.
Yet never from the learned tone
/y* Did he allow his eyes to roam,
Despite their antics quaint.
Till woman, lovely woman, came,
,Whose rosy lips and eyes of flame
Completely floored the saint.
Like ANTHONY, I once was bent
On study;-seriously intent
On reading for the Bar.
Until one night-alas for law !
Alas for me!-by chance I saw
Miss JONES !-And here we are !
Three times a week I'm calling there,
It's rather far from Gray's Inn Square-
My cab is two-and-six.
I spend my coin in flowers and fruits;
In primrose gloves and patent boots
I'm running awful ticks!
I waste my time from morn till night;
For though i courtship I delight
I never sit in Court.
My "leader" 's Curin, naughty thief,
And though I haven't got a brief,
I find my money short.
-. You'll own, then, when these cares I paint,
SAINT ANTHIONY my patron saint
Most clearly ought to be :-
A demon tempted him, 'tis true,-
But then Miss JoNEs twixtxt me and you)
Has played the deuce with mn !

THE astonishment of the good folks who crowded to every available
seat in both pit and gallery, at the charming little Prince of Wales'
Theatre, last Saturday evening, was too good a sight to be lost. What
could it all mean? Everybody seemed to be shaking hands with
everybody else. "Ah, how are you, old fellow?" "Delighted to
see you! Of course you would never miss such a night as this !"
These were the salutations which began in the refreshment room at
the top of the staircase, travelled round the dress-circle, descended into
the stalls, and were nodded from nearly all the private boxes. The
audience seemed a large happy family. Its members in their wild, or
public state, no doubt can scratch as well as coo, and put up their backs
or purr; they can love, and hate, and snarl, and soothe, but their
claws are very often drawn in, and then all shake hands and are
friends. The happy family was anxious to see what Mn. ROBERTSON
-well-known as the author of David Garrick--had got to say about
Society, and to settle whether the Liverpool critics were correct in de-
scribing his latest dramatic production as a very admirable comedy, and
one which was likely to make some stir in town. A careful study
of the demeanour of the audience at a very early period of the
evening, proved the truth of the provincial criticisms. When the
curtain drew up, all fell back in their seats as usual, and seemed pre-
pared for something good, perhaps, but still something of the old sort.
But MI. ROBERTSON's bright, sparkling dialogue, his home truths, his
kindly affectation of cynicism, his similes, and his keen appreciation
of the little weaknesses of the world we live in, soon woke up the
audience from its conventional apathy, and then all appeared to bend
forward in their seats, and after one look all round to see if the
impulse was general, their faces seemed to say, We have got some
good stuff here The boldness of the title of Mn. ROBERTSON'S
smart little comedy naturally provokes criticism, but he is such a
charming story-teller, he shows his audience so thoroughly how he

enjoys what he is tolling them; it is so evident he feels what lie
writes, and that he prefers to set before them a rough lump of silver to
ever so much glittering electro, that the discussions which wax warm
when the curtain first falls are forgotten, and the errors to which they
allude forgiven long before the plot is worked out. Thus it is that the
inevitable suggestions about the enclosure scone in the first act, the
gambling and ball-room business in the second, and the election
business in the last are extinguished by the brilliancy of the style of
the author, who is complimented on all sides as the play proceeds, and
publicly applauded when the curtain falls. It has been unanimously
conceded that a play has rarely been better acted. FuN's compliments
are late in the day, but they are as real and sincere as those of his
contemporaries. He has fallen in love, he is afraid to say how many
times, with the fair proprietress of the little theatro:-so frequent indeed
and so bold have boon his avowals, that on the present occasion the
fear of being fulsome almost closes his mouth. How he has longed
ever since Saturday week to find himself on the bench in the enclosure
pleading instead of Mla. SYDNEY BANCROFT, his devotion of mninny
years standing, he need not say; and how he has been haunted by a
jimp little figure in such a white and mauve dress, a figure that sheds
tears, and looks, oh, so me urnful, and says, SYDNEY," in a voice as
soft as sealskin, he will not trust himself to relate. Bravo MEmssRs.
CLARKE and RAY, proprietors of the Morning 'irthiqual,'e; bravo Mit.
SYDNEY BANCROFT, Tory candidate and lover; bravo MR. JDEWAI,
talented translator of Horace, leader-writer and good follow par excel-
lence ; and brav-issimo-issinmo M. I HAE, primmest of aristocrats, and
most finished of actors. If ever Lord Ptannigant on any future
evening hears a very loud guffaw when he is emboldened to say, Lady
Ptarmigant, it is not often I speak, goodness knows," let him remember
that it is his faithful Fx- who intends to make London ring with his
praises. But you are all good children to give the old gentleman such
a treat.
MOTTO roR A S-.' KINX PHILOSO'HEIm.-A short pipe anda merry one.


102 IF



\'- ND what will Exeter Hall think of its
S favourite nigger after the spectacle presented
in Jamaica ? The black has much of the
wild beast in him it would seem, and neither
Y slavery nor liberty can root it out of him.
The Emancipation party in America will
do well to pause in their career of mistaken
humanity. They must educate SAINo, and
well too, before they turn him loose on the
defenceless South, or they will be answer-
able for a recurrence of the same atrocities
which make our blood curdle in the news
from Jamaica.
S i Peon ToM SAYERs is dead, and has been
buried amid the tears and uproar of an
Immense crowd of admirers. We must not
be horrified because the mourners on the
S. occasion did not behave with what refined
S" people call decorum. I have no doubt the
sorrow was genuine enough, and there were
some bright instances of disinterested
friendship and affection revealed in connec-
tion with his death. It is recorded of him
that with all his science and strength he
was no bully, and even when struck by
some one who lost temper with him did not
/ return the blow. That is a fine trait and
i an argument in favour of fisticuffs. Let any
one go and live a little while among the
Cornish miners, and see how they-after
having slapt one another's faces and pulled
one another's hair-have recourse to the
:. "knife: and then he will probably agree
r,, with me, that it will be a bad time for
England when the use of the "mauleys" is
no longer cultivated. TOM SAYEns was a
hero, with not more faults than most heroes, and perhaps with more
So the great University swindle is exploded! I have often won-
dered that it hasn't been done before. Parents and guardians-
especially the latter-must have been strangely short-sighted on this
point. They send a lad up to Oxford with an allowance that soon
proves insufficient, but they don't think of finding out why, or they
would discover that it is not only the tradesman who robs the under-
graduate, but the Don also. Nothing but a sympathetic love of
plunder can account for the way in which college authorities leave the
lad unprotected against the attacks of harpy tradesmen. But the
harpy tradesman lays out his wares for sale, and that is all. When
they are bought he sends them in, and often has to wait an unreason-
able time for his money-sometimes doesn't get it. But the college
authorities pretend to stand in loco parents, and they compel the lad
to take what they have to sell, and to pay an exorbitant price for it.
The complaint, as it stands in the papers, is that bread and butter of
an inferior quality are forced on the undergraduates at very high
prices. But there are other grievances that aim more nearly at the
principle of the university, and that might be discussed with advantage.
There are tutor's fees-and who ever got any good out of his college
tutor ? There are library fees-and how few libraries possess books
really of use to the student ? And there are college dues-and who
ever yet discovered,-when everything a man has, or has not, of his
college is strictly charged for,-what those dues could be ?
GOVERNMENT offices are as extravagant in the general as they are
mean in the particular. That wasteful establishment the War-office
discharged some of its clerks last year under circumstances of more
than meanness-of downright dishonesty. A somewhat similar injus-
tice inflicted by the India Office on a retired officer, the MAn nIs ST.
MAuRIcs, who served in the old Company's forces, is a further
instance of official obstinacy. On a mere quibble, which has not even
the merit of being founded on fact, this gentleman is being defrauded
of a portion of that small pittance which is held sufficient reward for a
man who has spent the best years of his life in the service. Can any
one devise a scheme to prevent injustice from being first perpetrated
and then perpetuated by an ingenious system of disconnected and
irresponsible Boards ? We want an officer like the old Roman
tribune-not connected with the House-to examine into all torts
and grievances. Don't I pity the poor Marquis! He has been
wasting his time in trying to knock something into SIR CHARLEs
WoD's head. Why, only the other day he was thrown out hunting,

J N.

[NOVEMBE. 25, 1865.

and his head came in contact with a stone wall. But it's the wall
that stands in most need of repairing, they say.
I DROPT into the Oxford the other night to welcome a fresh importa-
tion of OFFENBACH, The /i[arket Girls. It is very sparkling and pretty
-the finale in particular being very jolly. Airs out of some of his
other operettas have been introduced into it, which I think rather a
pity. When shall we have a wise revision of the licensing laws, to
permit the performance of these little operettas in full. The selections
are charming enough, but they cannot do justice to the entire com-

M Y love, you've been and bound my heart
In tresses of your golden hair,
Your ev'ry look was like a dart
That reached its mark and settled there.
I know you hardly waste a thought
Upon the anguish that I feel;
But something strikes me that you ought-
And so I try a last appeal.
It seems to me a little queer,
And very far from eomme ilj fut,
That you should send me packing, dear,
In favour of some later beau.
I might have drained that bitter cup,
But I've a certain claim on you;
So, now I'll take the matter up
In quite a business point of view.
I beg to say that if I lend
A certain sum in money down"
To any impecunious friend
(Say JoNEs, or RoLiNssoN, or BeowN),
always do so on the chance
Of getting back the s. d.,
That I may happen to advance
To MEssus. J. and R. and B.
If I were in the legal walk
Of life-you'll give me leave to state-
I'd never waste a minute's talk
Without a fee of six and eight.
If Time is money"-and I see
No great objection to the rule-
The lawyer that would give it free
Is little better than a fool.
Now, lately I've been laying out
A lot of heart and soul on you;
Just think it over, and no doubt
You'll see the proper thing to do.
For, since another claims the love
That I so fondly hoped to win;
I beg to say I ain't above
A trifle in the shape of tin!
It's very well for you to say
That I was never asked to throw
My young affections in your way;
That's very true. You took 'em, though !
Farewell! Be happy We must part!
But, false one, fail not to devote
One passing thought to this torn heart-
And send us off a ten pun' note !

FANcy SHAKSPEAREn's Falconbridge pronouncing calf-skin "kc-alf-
skin." This is what is positively done by an actor at Drury-lane
Theatre, in the course of a singularly unintelligent reading of the
part. We remember to have once heard a ke-ountryman speak of a
"ke-art-load of ke-arrots;" but, apart from his having a natural im-
perfection of speech, his accent did not exactly strike us as a model
worthy imitation by anybody pretending to play the more important
of SHAKSPEARE'S characters. By the bye, how would MR. AN nERSON
pronounce the words "cave canem," if he had to say them ? Perhaps
he would tell us he ke-ouldn't.

Why is a horse like the letter 0 ? Because G makes it go.
And what is the difference between this conundrum and my aunt
who squints ? One is a query with an answer; the other is an aunt,
sir, with a queer eye.


NOVEMBER 25, 1865.] F TJ N 103

MR. G. VINING has been amusing himself during the last few days
by publishing the following confused advertisement in the Standard:
FUN and FACT.-The astounding Drama recently produced by MR. VININGx
MRa VINIXG did not, on its first representation, make an apology nor use expres-
sions that could in any way be twisted or turned into terms of an apologetic character.
-See FUN.
MR. VYINIm did not reply to the indignant gentleman in the stalls, and no such a
conversation took place.-See FUN. But, on the exact contrary, in addressing the
public, MR. VINixO stated he could not reply individually.
MR. VINING; it is said, plumes himself on realism.-See Frux.
Let others then follow his example, and when they deal in facts stick to truth.
But these remarks are in Fex;" and, dear boy, do not forget-IT IS NEVER
With the sole exception df the paragraph that refers to Mu. VINIxc's
realistic tendencies, nothing that in the remotest degree resembled any
of these extracts ever appeared in our columns. If we were converts
to MR. CHARLES READE's outspoken style of expression, we should not
hesitate to apply to the statement that "these remarks are in 'FUN,' "
the only epithet in the English language that effectually characterises it.
But, in fairness to Mu. VxINxe, we ought to place the public in pos-
session of a fact that they will fail to gather from the advertisement
itself, namely, that when he penned it he was probably labouring
under some blundering notion, that in crediting us with a favourable
criticism whichwe did not write, he was amply avenging himself on
us for an unfavourable criticism which'we did. In other words, he seems
to have thought that the greatest blow he could deal to our reputation
as dramatic critics was to make us speak in terms of high eulogy of
his behaviour on the occasion of the first performance of MR. CHARLES
READE's drama. It is difficult to understand what he means when he
says that ".he did not reply to the indignant gentleman in the stalls,
but that on the exact contrary, in addressing the public he stated that he
could not reply individually," for the statement flatly contradicts itself.
Moreover, an actor who, in addressing the public states that he cannot
reply individually, appears to be in the equivocal position of a dumb
man who tells you that he cannot speak.
Before Mn. VINING indulges in another piece of Itisnovertoolateto-
mend-acity he had better learn that it is impossible for a man to deal
in facts unless he does stick to truth, for untrue facts is a contra-
diction in terms. MR. VINING is a good actor, but a bad satirist, and
in taking up the cudgels in the latter capacity, he has made himself as
ridiculous as we should ourselves appear if we attempted to play the
part of the repentant convict in Mn. READE's remarkable drama. MR.
VINING is all our fancy painted him, he's lovely, he's divine, but cal-
culated he is not in epigram to shine.

PERHArs there is no event in the theatrical world which is so
anxiously looked for as the production of the next Olympic burlesque.
We are in a position to lay before our readers a portion of a scene from
that work, and we lose no time in doing so. The burlesque is the pro-
duction of MESSes. B-T and B-LLINGH-M, the talented authors of
C-m-r-lz-m-n. These gentlemen, in pursuance of their determination
to pitch upon another subject that has never been used for dramatic
purposes, have selected the, obscure story of Aladdin for burlesque
SCENE IV.-Interior of the Emperor's palace.
BADROULBADOUR.-You say you have loved me for a lengthened period ?
So it does appear. ()
ALADDIN.- Yes, isn't it odd ?
I saw you first going to the bath, long since,
And found that the princess was not done justice to by the photo-
graphic print&.(')
BAD.-But no one may look at me when I go to the bath
For fear he should be inclined to laugh;
A rule I never think of breaking, if I'm aweer.
ALAD.-Oh, that's a very bad-rule-by-dear. ()
Now I must go. I've stayed too long.
BAD.-I don't call you staid,(") but let's finish with a song.
(Air-" Over the sea.")
BAD.- Over the sea
If you be,
Perhaps you'll be good enough to write to me ?
ALAD.- Certainly, oui,
That's French, you see,
Which I learnt when I was at school at Belong!
(Comic dance.)

VizInR.-Aha! What do I see ? Aladdin and the fair princess
He imprints his(t) kisses on her lips, and them doth press !
I'll tell the Emprer.
BAD.- IHim pray(6) don't toll!
(Aside)-It's very annoying just as we were getting on so well.
ALAn. (nobly).-I love Badroulbadour, as much as I do a cider-oup!
I mean to marry her!
Viz.- 3farry come up!
You are only a cad, if you please,
And caddot (7) marry her unless you are the cheese!
Enter EMPEilton.
EMPERoR.-Vy, rotshall this ?
BAD.- This is not lVorholl.(Q)
ALAD.-I love your daughter, and her my wife would call.
EMP.-But are you rich ?
ALAD.- Ain't I neither!
I should rather think I was-reoothr!
(Slaps himself and puts out his tongue.)
Here is a jewel that will buy more meat than you chew'll.(9)
Eur.-Take her!
"IZ.- Back isn't that a pull! (10)
Concerted Piece -" Slap Bang."
ALAD.-Oh, it is very jolly, and I am extremely pappvc.
Estr.-Sho'll bo farther from her father when married she be!
BAD.-I love you so, Aladdin, I swear I do.
Viz.-I shouldn't at all wonder if I wos looking bluo!
ALL (re Vizicr).-Ain't he most melancholy, 0 ?
-lancholy, 0 F
-lancholy, 0 ?
[Ain't he most melancholy, 0 ?,
Viz.- I should rather think I wos !
ALL.- Fal lal la,
Get a guitar,
From afar,
Fal lal lido !
Slap! bang! lot us take the train!
A riding in a railway car!
(1) Period," "iappear." Puln.
(2) This allusion to photography long before it was discovered, iN a joke.
(3) This is a coniplicated ppn.' hlad rule by dealr," lladroulbadour." ty
dear,"' is i my dar"i' proiiounccd with a cold.
SsStayed," ".taid." Pun.
5 "Princess, .....I r, .. .l.
nomprer," "
(7 ailddot" is' ... i .........* with a cold.
( Voxhall" and Vot'shall" is an ingenious pu)in.
S( Than you chlcw'll," thalin you will chlew, than you can possibly cat.
(10) Backisn't that a pull," ciupiliuis for Isn't that ia pull back," thilt refrain
of a clever comic song.

Sustucrs ta' Ci0 xcpwnbnis.

QUEi-u-EY, must have closed that organ, or hli would have seen that
the quotation does not profess to be taken from anywhere in particular.
Hadn't our correspondent better substitute lDonk" for Q(uer" in
future ?
E. T. L., Tachbrook-strcet.-)eclined with thanks, not as a ques-
tion of time, but of rhyme.
M. S. C., Luton, lIas vainly exercised his luto on an unsuitable
subject. HIe is also in error in supposing any paper has ever heen
"incorporated with FUN. That journal being the iesenco of wit has
nothing corporeal about it.
F. \W., Stockwell.-Many thanks for the information. The (,n-
closures shall be returned.
-- Common Plcas.- We should be uncommonly pleased to insr't
the M.S. if it were suitable.
J. G., Mint.-Good, but too late. Of course as you are connTciod
with the Mint it is no use to advise you never to say die."
AN ANXIOUS WIDIEn.-WO, have laid your offer of a home before
NICHOLAs, but thle grateful old man says you only want a second for
the ring. Shouldn't you have spelt widder" with an "e" instead
of an "i ?
AN UNCERTAIN CamRI.-Yes, possibly ; although on second thoughts
we should say not, but there is a great deal to be said (li both sides.
QuiviS.-Sco last answer, which will meet the requirements of
many of our correspondents who will obligingly adopt it .
[The canny editor of an obscure north country print hopes by
turning on us a mild stream of invective about Sabbatarianism, to
induce us to notice him in our columns. Not exactly! Our charge
for advertisements is half-a-crown a line.]

104 F U N. [NOVEMBER 25, 1865.

Count S'norltor; .:-" VELL JOMP, M3EES! C'estdjal:-I rOLLOW-I FOLLOW. I SHALL BE IN AT MY DEATHS!"

it. Thisl S makes it the more pleasant to those whose minds have been
MISS GOGGBLES'S COMMON-PLACE BOOK. trained to recall the pages of CLIO, Muse of History.
MY uncle, GREEN GOGGLES, Esa., of Gold Mount, Bucks, made use
of many strange expressions. For example, he was in the habit, when 31y uncle, GREEN GOGGLES, ESQ., of Gold Mount, Bucks, had a
he desired that the lamp or candles should be brought, of saying, Let servant whose name was JOHN LITTLE. He was a very tall man; and
us throw a little light upon the subject." Instead of asking what was my uncle, who was of an extremely jocular disposition, used to call
o'clock, he would say, "How goes the enemy?" My papa used him "Little JOHN." This was a source of great mirth among all our
frequently to remark, Green is an original." friends and acquaintance.
Anecdotes are sometimes very amusing. The faculty of narrating The beauties of nature excel, in a very material degree, the beauties
them in a manner agreeable to a mixed company is a most enviable gift. of art. I have been forcibly impressed with this great truth when, on
I remember being taken bymypapa to dinner at the house of a friend, returning from a walk in Windsor Forest, I have cast my eyes on a
where I sat next to a Vice-Colonel who told several anecdotes. I am representation of the scene, cut out of a sheet of Bath post by my
not sure, on reflection, whether he might not have been a Deputy- grandmamma. Without having been previously apprised that the
Lieutenant-Admiral but I know he had something to do with the forms of animals under the trees were meant for stags, I should not
country, the fleet, or the militia. One of his anecdotes was about a have been able to identify them as such.
A favourite saying of my papa's, whenever anything did not exactly
please him, was "They manage these things better in France." He
Inebriation is a vice which is not confined to the humbler ranks of had never been in France, and he was generally opposed to the admis-
society. My uncle, GREEN GOGGLES, ESQ., of Gold Mount, Bucks, sion of French customs, and to the tolerance of all foreigners in this
was sometimes inebriated. I have heard my papa say that Green country. It was, therefore, the more generous in him to assume that
was a three-bottle man;" which meant, I believe, that he could drink what is wrong in England is right elsewhere.
three bottles of wine at one sitting. This appears to me to be more
than anybody should take habitually. But some bottles may be There is much truth in the words of the poet-
larger than others. The poet SHAKESPEARE, in one of his plays, has
made an intoxicated character exclaim, Oh, that a man should put "Full many a gem of purest ray serene,
an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains!" The sentiment The dark, unfathom'd caves of ocean bear;
is very proper. Alas! in that respect it differs considerably from a Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
great deal which the same author has written. And waste its sweetness on the desert air."
(To he continually continued.*)
There is no harm in rational recreation when conducted with pro-
priety. I have heard persons object to cards, but I cannot see any-ailors to make a
thing wrong in whist or cribbage, by candle-light. Backgammon has THEREm Y w ANGS A TAIL-OR.-ud it take to make sailor ma
gone very much out of fashionjately, but it is an interesting game. man, how many Tom TAYLORS does it take to make a melodrama ?
Some historical personage is said to have been exceedingly partial to Not if we are quite aware of it.-ED. FUx.


F J N.-NOVEMBER 25, 1865.



(Sco e :--Janiica.)

NOVEMBER 25, 1865.]



BEEN in bed ? I should think I had been, three whole days, all
thro' going' to see it, as Mas. EDWARDS persuaded me to, for says she
to me, MRS. BROWN, mum, it can't be, they never would allow it."
Says I, "Why not?"
"Well," says she, "they may; but it don't seem natural for to
have a Jew for Lord Mayor, as I've seed him myself a-goin' to
church, gold chain and all, as they'd never trust him with."
So BRowN he come in jest then, and I says to him, "You're the
party for to settle it; here's MRS. EDWARDS a-goin' on like a down-
right fiery biggest about a Jew bein' Lord Mayor." "Well," says
BRowN, I dare say he's just as good a Christian as many as sets
there; besides, he ain't the fust as has proved a Jew, and one on
'em was a Catholic." "Well," she says, "I never did."
I says, "It's all very well for him bein' a Jew, as is his business,
but as to his going' to church it's downright ridiculous; he must set
there a-laughin' in his sleeves, as is unbecomin' in any one in a place
of woship, 'cos I knows as Jews don't hold with going' to church, as
well I remembers a lady as was that way a-tellin' a party as I was
a-nussin' as they never did." BRowN says, "Well, if I was a Jew I
shouldn't go to church; for I should say plump and plain as it wasn't
my ways, as is only a form after all."
"Well," I says, "them forms is very proper, but not for Jews, as
don't hold with them, as I'm sure is very strict in their ways, as I've
knowed them as would have starved afore they'd have touched a bit
of pork, tho' certainly their fried fish is beautiful, and I never did
taste such rum shrub like what they drinks on their fast days, as is
kind-hearted people." So Mas. EDWARDS she says, "If any one but
you had told me such a thing I would not have believed it. A Jew
for Lord Mayor! They'll be havin' him for a bishop next." BuowN
he says, "Why not ? thro' not a-holdin' with bishops.
But I says, "BRoWN, you're a-talkin' foolish, as don't become your
time of life." MaRS. EDWARDS a-seein' me a-gettin' warm says,
"Well," says she, "I won't believe it till I see it, and see it I will,
and will you go, as there is a first floor open to you in Fleet-street ?"
"Well," I says, "it's chilly weather for the open air." Says she,
"We can have the window shut nearly all the time."
So I said as I'd go thro' the weather bein' mild for November, the'
it's not a month as I cares to take cold in, for it lays hold on
you with a cough as I've know'd last till May, as horehound
won't pacify nor squills allay, as is only things as upsets the
stomach, and makes one feel frequent nauseous. It was all very
well a-goin' to Fleet-street when we was livin' at the East-end, but
now as we're out in Lambeth it's out of the way, the' it is but a step
to the Woxhall station, where I gets the train to Waterloo. BuowN
he says, You have a cab, or you'll come to grief in the crowd." I
says, "I'm a-goin' with MRS. EDWARDS, as knows her way about."
We got comfortable to the train thro' it bein' fine over head, and
was whisked into Waterloo pretty sharp.
I was jammed frightful once or twice a-gettin' over the bridge, as
was that crowded with them rough characters, as kep' a-treadin' on
my gown and then usin' of low-lived langwidge, as is revoltin' agin
a lady's ear; and if it hadn't been for the police I don't think as ever
I could a-got thro'. Mns. EnWAnDS she's a skin and grief bigger, as
could squeeze everywhere, like a weazel in a hen-roost, as the sayin'
is, and soon got ahead of me.
A very nice young woman she came up to me and says, Oh, mum,
if you please, which ever is my way to Westminster, as am going' after
a situation, and 'ave got lost in the crowd ?" "Westminster," I says,
"is close by where I've come from; but," I says, "direct you I can't."
So she says, "Would you mind me a-walkin' by your side, as
would be a protection, for I ain't used to them crowds ? "
A lot of fellows came a-jostlin' agin us, and that young woman
she clung that tight to my arm as I couldn't move, as was natural for
her not to like them young men's rough ways. When we was got clear
of them she says, "'Ave you lost anything ?" No," I says ; for I'd
only got my umbrella. She says, They've turned my pockets out."
I says, "'Old my umbrella while I feels for my puss; but, bless
you, my pocket, as is a stout nankeen, was emptied, not as I'd much
in it, as was lucky, and shouldn't have minded so much if they hadn't
took my silver thimble with a steel top, as is the best as ever I
worked with. Well, back comes MaRS. EDWARDS a-sayin', "Why
don't you come on ? So I says, "I've been robbed." Law !" she
says, "you don't say so!" I says, "I do, and so is this young
woman," as I turned for to speak to, but she was gone, as was an
'ussy in my opinion, and smelt of sperrits that early, as don't look well.
However I got through the crowd is a puzzle to me, with all the
gethers regular tore out of my alpaca, as is lined thro', with a warm
shawl on, aswas as much as I could bear thro' bein' one as heats up all
of a minute. Well, we was close by the house, as is a corner, and
there was a crowd all up to the door. So says Mits. EDWARDn, Be
so good as to make way," quite civil, but of all the jeerin' wagabones
it was that crowd. One says, Oh, here's the Lady Mayoress as

IN. 107

stops the way;" and another says, Make room for SAinY GauM'
and BETSY PRIGG, as is wanted particular." When we got in the young
woman was very short, and said as the house were that full, but M its.
EDWA DS kep' a-sayin', "Come on." So up we goes that rapid as
made my breath uncommon short, and if it hadn't been for the
landing's as I rested on I don't think as ever I should have got up. Of
all the dark staircases as ever I was on it was the darkest, and that
narrow as meeting' parties coming' down was squcezy work.
"Bless your windows! says I to Mus. EDWARDS, "wherever are
they ? as the room was chuckfull, and every room as we opened
parties says, "Up higher." Up we goes till 1 says, Well," I says,
"MRs. EDWAnus, higher we can't go unless it is the roof." A young
chap as was a-comin' up says, "That's the best place."
"What," I says, thro' the cock-loft door." 1 says, "Never."
MRS. EDWARDS she says, Ohl, it will be beautiful, you'll see the pro-
cession a-comin' and a-goin'."
So through she gets, and she give me her hand, and begun a-pullin'
that violent as I says, Excuse me, but my sleeve is crakidn' under
the arm, and I'd rather manage for myself," as I did thro' ai-tkin'
off my shawl and a-strugglin' up to that trap-door, as is what 1 might
come to some day thro' it's boin' a fire-escape, as I don't believe no
family over could get through in time. When I was got out there we
was on the roof, with nothing' but the gutters for to stand in, except
the hedge of the parapitch, as that youhg chap would walk along, as
made me all of a creep thro' terrors, a-knowin' well as there wasn't
nothing' between him and distraction, as the noise down below was
downright scarifyin'. So I says, "Whatever you do hold tight," 1
says, for I know'd a party as fell thro' a skylight a-doin' this very
thing, and if he hadn't pitched on his head into a tailor's workshop,
as was able to catch him in their outstretched arms thro' a-settin' all
round at work, he'd have been broke to bits.
It was all very fine to talk about Lord Mayor's Show. but, law
bless, you, I couldn't see nothing' of it thro' that parapitch bein' just on
a level with my eyes, and as to climbing' up them tiles I says, Not
if I knows it." Well, Mits. EDWAnDS she'd scrambled up, and was
a-standin' holding' on to a stack of chimblies, a-sayin' as she see
beautiful, and as for me I was a-thinkin' however I should get throw'
that cock-loft agin, with the blacks a-comin' down in showers, when
a red-faced party puts his head out at that trap-door, and says, What,
are you a-doin' up here '" I says, Sir, I'm Mits. EDWARDS' friend, as
were brought here by that lady as is a-clingin' to the chimbly."
I wouldn't repeat the words as that red-faced party used, not upon
no account; but I hollars to Mus. EDWAnDS, but, bless you, she was
a-wavin' of her handkercher like mad as the procession was a-comuin'
along, and didn't hear me. So the red-faced man he shouts to her,
"You come off my tiles, as will be broke to bits, or else," he says,
"I'll have the police." I says, "I'm not on your tiles, and if 1 was,"
I says, "you dare moslest me at your peril, as might lie any one's
death a-torrifyin' like this." He says, Conino out."
Well, MaR. EDWARDS she come along, and didn't that iman go on,
and begun a-blowin' up the young chap, as was his 'prentice, as turned
on us a-sayin' we said we was friends, as is a thing its never crossed
my lips, and if we hadn't come to the wrong house thro' Muts. EDWaiDs
mistakin' the corner. If there is a thing as I can't a-boar it's to look
foolish; but certainly that red-faced nman needn't have give way to
that lanwidge as he did. So I says, Please for to recollect as you
are addressin' of ladies." Ladies," says lie, "pretty sort of ladies,
prowlin' about and comin' into houses, thcro's lots of such about to-
day." Io says," I shan't let you go till I've searched you." "What! "
I says, "you search me ? I should like to see you dare to it." I says,
"Let me out." He says, Come in." I says, "That's what I want
to." I was in that fluster a-gettin' in at that trap thro' being' hurried,
that I missed the stop as I did ought to have put my foot on, and in
I went all of a slip like, and it's a mercy as the trap-door were that
narrow as it caught me under the arms, or I might have been killed,
but thro' a-comin' that sudden I ketched the red-faced man a kick in
the pit of his stomach as reg'ar doubled him up. leo sat a-bowlin'
on the landin', but, law bless you, I never stopped to look at him, for
I'd got the start down them stairs, and away I went to the street-door,
as was open, and I hurlies out.
The crowd was a-breakin' up, and I was that luiTricd, so I asks a
policeman what I'd best do with no money and a-fimishin' for soun.-
thing. As to Mns. EnwA tUs I couldn't see hlir nowhere. I says,
Get me a cab." Says the policeman, "There ain't no cabs allowed."
And no more there wasn't, and if I wasn't obliged to walk all the way
to near Waterloo-bridge with not a halfpenny to pay the toll, and
had to leave my 'ankercher, and got a cab home at last.
MuRS. EDWARDSn she come the next day for to tell me as she fell in
with friends on the first floor, and spent a pleasant cvenin', with tea
and supper, to say nothing' of lunch, and blamed my bein' in that
hurry ; but she's a mean-minded woman for to have broke bread in
that house after them insults; but as to Lord Mlayor's Show, it's a
s downright nuisance, and give me that cold as I've been in bed three
i days, and it's my opinion it did ought to be put down.

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