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 Front Cover Title Page Preface Index Fun March 18, 1865 Title Page March 25, 1865 April 1, 1865 April 8, 1865 April 15, 1865 April 22, 1865 April 29, 1865 May 6, 1865 May 13, 1865 New Series May 20, 1865 May 27, 1865 June 3, 1865 June 10, 1865 June 17, 1865 June 24, 1865 July 1, 1865 July 8, 1865 July 15, 1865 July 22, 1865 July 29, 1865 August 5, 1865 August 12, 1865 August 19, 1865 August 26, 1865 September 2, 1865 September 9, 1865 Back Cover

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 Material Information Title: Fun Physical Description: Serial Language: English Publisher: Published for the proprietors. Place of Publication: London Frequency: weeklyregular
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 Notes Additional Physical Form: Also available on microfilm from University Microfilms International in: English literary periodical series. Dates or Sequential Designation: v. 1-7, Sept. 21, 1861-Mar. 11, 1865; n.s., v. 1-73, May 20, 1865- June 29, 1901. Numbering Peculiarities: Issues for 1861-1901 called also: no. 1-1885. General Note: Includes a supplement: Fun almanack, wanting in many vols.
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Front Cover
Cover
Title Page
Title Page
Preface
Page iii
Page iv
Index
Page v
Page vi
Fun
Page 1
March 18, 1865
Page 2
Page 3
Page 5
Page 7
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
Title Page
(MULTIPLE)
March 25, 1865
Page 11
Page 12
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Page 17
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Page 19
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April 1, 1865
Page 21
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Page 27
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April 8, 1865
Page 31
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April 15, 1865
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April 22, 1865
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April 29, 1865
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Page 68
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May 6, 1865
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May 13, 1865
Page 81
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New Series
Page 1
May 20, 1865
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 7
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
May 27, 1865
Page 11
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Page 13
Page 14
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June 3, 1865
Page 21
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June 10, 1865
Page 31
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June 17, 1865
Page 41
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June 24, 1865
Page 51
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Page 57
Page 58
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July 1, 1865
Page 61
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Page 63
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July 8, 1865
Page 71
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July 15, 1865
Page 81
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July 22, 1865
Page 91
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July 29, 1865
Page 101
Page 102
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August 5, 1865
Page 111
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August 12, 1865
Page 121
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August 19, 1865
Page 131
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August 26, 1865
Page 141
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September 2, 1865
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September 9, 1865
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Back Cover
Cover
Full Text

-L

-VOL 1

LONDON:
PUBLISHED (FOR THE PROPRIETORS) BY THOMAS BAKER,
80, FLEET STREET, E.C.

HE FIRST I And not merely the First of September, but the First of the New Series. The British Sportsman,
always a good hand, was afoot, straightway bent upon bringing down partridges if they would only get up.
But FUN also was abroad, and at home at the task of shooting Follies as they flew.
To judge from the quantity of birds of that feather about, there was an excellent prospect of sport.
Besides, there were lots of little games that wanted knocking over-and were very likely to get it.
It was the sort of morning that did not require to be turned into joy, it was so very jolly already. Everything was
jolly, even to the verge of inebriation. The corn, in fact, was cut, and many of the flowers had had a drop, though not
more than was dew, let us hope. All the soaring heralds of day were up, to a lark. The fields had put on their gayest
livery, green turned up with brown. As for the sun, he was a great get-up. Nature, capricious as ever, gave dawn a
welcome with a dew. But in other respects, all went as merry as a marriage Bell's Life in London. For the whole
world was intent on sporting. The very lambs sported. Even the overworked Government Clerk, who couldn't get away
from town on the First, sported a flower in his button-hole. And a thousand noisy muzzles were making the fields ring
with a chorus of Slap, Bang Here we are again!" A heavy game-bag was the burden of the song. Even day broke
in order that it might get a first-class certificate, and shoot its rays all over the globe.
FUN, with his famous double-barrel, wit and humour, resting in the hollow of his arm-the hollow of his arm being
a shout of laughter in itself-stood upon the brow of a hill. There being a cornfield there, the brow of the hill was
furrowed, but not with care. On the contrary, the harvest smiled in the most approved style and most approving manner.
The old cereals were only too happy to see the New Serial. Naturally, the wheat had no objection to chaff, so no wonder
the harvest smiled; though it is not so easy to understand why the hedges kept bursting out into haw-haws-especially
as it was not Spring, when they might have been expected to twig.
The fact was-and it was no use trying to disguise it-FUN was abroad, and nature, in consequence, was
What sport did he have 7 Excellent, of course John, his bull-dog, with a slight cross of the Irish bull, was so
well trained-thanks to FUN educating him-that he saw a point in a minute ; and when he put up the birds they had
to put up with it.

iv PREFACE.

FUN blazed away right and left, and did considerable execution. For as soon as a new folly rose FUN brought it
down. To count up the bag he made would need an organ (of Number) that even BABBAGE would be proud to own.
At noon the sun had climbed to the mid heavens, and his stay at this half-way house suggested the propriety of
taking some refreshment. FUN adjourned to the Shades-not those in Leicester-square, of which not a ghost remains-
but the cool shelter of umbrageous elms. There, a luncheon, hampered with care, awaited his coming, and was-if we
may believe the gamekeeper who carried it-considerably lightened by FUN's visit. A pat6 defoie gras, cold grouse,
lobster salad, a bottle of Chablis, and a bottle of Moselle, formed the humble repast, which the sternest anchorite could
hardly have quarrelled with on the score of simplicity.
His modest meal over, FUN felt decidedly better. The delicious glow of an increased circulation, the pleasant
consciousness of the new blood flowing in his veins, filled him with an agreeable idleness.
He stretched his limbs-as the artist has limned him-on the grass beneath a spreading tree. It was a lazy hour
of repose. The woodpecker, the Tupper of the greenwood, turned on his feeble, monotonous tap. The jays chattered as
if they were swells in a private box at a theatre, during the performances ; and the thrush, like a feathered Sis REEVES,
sang just whenever it pleased himself.
The sighs of the breeze-which cannot be accurately given in the absence of an anemometer-had a soothing
effect. FUN looked up and saw the white vapours borne across the blue before the wind. He was ever a lover of nature.
He too would blow a cloud! The world, after all, is but a fleeting show, and everything must end in smoke.
He drew from a magnificent case a weed so lovely that a hothouse flower would have died of envy at the sight of it.
He lit it with a spark of wit. It drew capitally, as every one who draws for FUN does. The delicate aroma it diffused
delighted, while it incensed, the surrounding air.
And as the first puff of the blue vapour curled upward from between his lips, wreathed with a pleasant
smile, an admiring public recognized, with rapture,

"7A y. '* r ',-

4 54I

\* The New Series having unavoidably commenced at a broken period, we are compelled, for the convenience, and
at the special request of numerous regular subscribers, to incorporate witli the first Seventeen Numbers of the New,
Nine Numbers of the Old Series. But we can, at all events, promise our readers that this shall not occur again.

\l ,, v

A.- (OLD SERIES.)
AT the Play, 9, 11, 28, 48, 58, 61, 81
sEsthetics of the Shop (The), 11
Apostate Apostacy, 24
Abraham Lincoln, 27
Apropos de Labienus, 31
Answer to the Cynical Contributor, 79
A.-(NEw SERIns.)
Answers to Correspondents, 39, 49, 59,
67, 73, 87, 109, 119, 129, 149, 159, 163
Any Author Man, 32
Autumn Fruits, 111
Authors on Half Pay, 132
Artless Lover (An), 141
Autumn Leaf (An), 142
Art of Parody (The), 169

B.-(o. s.)
BcI Book bound in Blue (The), 31
Bully Monopoly, 32
Bull's (Mr.), Young Friend, 59
B.-(N. s.)
Brown (Mrs.), at the Royal Academy, 7
,, goes to the Derby, 28
at the Opera, 57
visits the West-end, 74
at the Dramatic Fete, 84
her Vote solicited, 97
on the Army, 107
makes a Night of it., 117
visits the Monument, 127
,, goes in for Bargains, 137
at a Wedding, 147
pays a Neighbourly Visit,
157
,, among the Teetotallers, 167
Bride of the Bastile (The), 49
British Institution (The), 50
Bachelors' Strike (The), 99
Britons caught Tripping, 108
Bad Night of it (A), 139
Binographs and Triptographs, 158
Bad Beef of Old England (The), 161

C.-(o. s.)
Comrc History of Julius Casar (The), 12
Caution to Seamen suffering from Corns,
Clubs for Petticoats, 19 18
Casual Conversations, 3, 28, 33, 47, 57, 62,
Crossness Carol (A), 50 79, 89
Cynical Sentimehts, 52
Cud to be chewed (A), 69
Chanticleer Chairman (The), 71
Comus, 72
Crazy Janet, 80
Cabinet Council (The), 11
Canard about a Little Duck (A), 17
Croquet, 38

Concentrated Essence of Thought, 43
Court Circular, 52
Cur-sorry Comment on a Panic (A), 64
Cheering Election Intelligence, 67
Cannibal Conundrum (A), 68
Crystal Palace Concert (The), 70
Comical Chemicals, 124
Claude Verney, 168
Country (The), 114
D.-(o. s.)
DROWNING of the Ten in Erith Reach
(The), 3
Dashing Romeor (A), 49
D.-(1. s.)
Diary of an Aeronaut, 3
Drama at the Music Hall (The), 12
Ditty of the Downs (A), 21
Derby Notes, 21, 33
Derby of 1865 (The), 24, 39
Derby Day operatised (The), 29
Da3's Ride (A), 58
Dramatic F6te (The), 90
Damon at the Desk, 131
Delights of Fiction (The), 151
Drama in its Infancy (The), 161
Discovery of a Horrid Plot, 164
E.-(o. s.)
ENGLA.ND and India, 19
Extraordinary Suicide, 24
Evidently In-Seine, 29
Extra Parliamentary Proceedings during
the Recess, 44
Eastern Love Song (An), 63
Extinct Animals, 81
E.-(x. s.)
English Undefiled, 101
Evans' Supper Rooms, 160
F.-(o. s.)
FUN in Parliament, 7, 17, 27, 37, 47, 77,
Few Motions (A), 30 87
Fine Arts, 64
Flower" of the Flock (The), 79
Form, Riflemen, Form, 88
F.-(N. s.)
From our Stall, 2, 13, 27, 42, 59, 62, 74,
83, 99, 113, 121, 133, 148
Fun's Parliament, 13
Family Library (The), 47
From a Contributor, 67
From The Royal Marines' Intelli-
gencer," 103
Foggy, 138
From our Neuralgic Contributor, 143
First (The), 154
G.-(o. s.)
GoD Speed the South, 2
G.-(N. s.)
Good News for Pagans, 42
General Election (The), 88
Good Joke (A), 144

H.-(o. s.)
HAPPYIreland, 21
Head and Front of his Offending (The), 41
Home for Poor Relations, 43
H.-(N. s.)
Health of the Metropolis, 28
How to prepare yourself for the Derby, 30
Here's a Jolly (C)lark, 39
Horace in London, 68, 71, 137
Hairybella, 69
Horse Show at the Agricultural Hall
(The), 80
Hansom is as Hansom does, 98
I.-(o. s)
INsUIRE Below on Everything, 40
Iron Chest (The), 57
I cannot write, 82
I-(N. s.)
In the Wrong Box at the Opera, 41
Illustrious Stranger (An), 112
Inn's and Out's, 129
J-(o. s.)
JOTTINUS from Journals, 21, 41
J.-(N. s.)
Johnson's Dictionary, .71
Johnson and Brown, 121
L.-(o. s.)
LECTURES for Little Statesmen, 2, 19, 23,
82, 49, 69, 73, 82
Letters to the Country, 29, 49, 58, 68, 73,
82
Lament for South Kensington (A), 29
Lincoln's Letter to John Bull, 81
Leonard and Reynard, 41
Literal Literature, 43
Lament (A), 52
Ladies Parliament (The), 59, 63, 77
London Sewage (The), 62
"Look on this Picture and on that," 69
Lovers' Quarrels, 81
Letter to Mr. Gladstone (A), 87
Literary Goliath (A), 89
L.-(N,. a.)
Lucy, 11
Literature, 17, 47, 103
(L) archeological, 19
Latest Intelligence, 10
Letter from a well-known Lady (A), 37
Letter to a Young Nobleman (A), 54
L'Amour hl la Mode, 61
Literary Mems, 78
Low Water Mark, 88
Lines to my Umbrella, 122
Lyric for the Lazy, 128
Lay of the Market Gardener (The), 148
M,-(o. s.)
MELANCHOLY Cat-astrophe (A), 9
My Debut as a Novelist, 10
Morning Call, 14

Maxims for Meteorologists, 43
Monahan's Oath, 48
Ma(y)ine law (The), 59
Murder will out, 78
M.-(N. s.)
Man of Position (A), 14
My Photograph Album, 4, 18
Maxims, 18
Maledictine Brethren (The), 41
Martineo Musicale (A), 41
Maybury College, 81
My Country Cousin, 98
Mossoo at his Games in Little France,"
My broken Pipe, 162 110
Marine Musings, 168
N.-(o. s.)
NOTES and Queries, 9, 29, 38, 48, 53, 69,
79, 83
Northern Farmer's Opinion on the Malt
Tax (The), 14
Napoleon and Llbertd, 89
New Fashion at Paris (The), 57
New Federal Chant, 61
Notes on Books, 72
N.-(N. s.)
New Music, 2
Nursery Legend (A), 10
New Mahomet (The), 14
Next New Play (The), 52
Nail in the Shutter (The), 138
O.-(o. s.)
Oun Monthly Review, 8
Our Vagrant Corresponpent on 'Change,
Overland Route (The), 52, 07, 83 60
Orange Girl, 90
O.-(;. s.)
Our New Motley, 1
Our own Poet's Corner, 1
Ode to my Clothes, 33
Our own .Esop, 68, 94, 113
Oxford and Cambridge Match, 78
Our Library Table,79, 89, 93, 114, 123,
Old Cynic (An), 91 143, 158
Out of Town Talk, 108, 120, 129, 139, 141
P.-(o. a.)
Prospective Criticism, 22
Parodies on the Poets, 23
Poor City Clerk (The), 30
Prologue for a New Play, 32
Proposed Inscription for a Statue to the
Discoverer of Vaccination, 72
Piping Times of Peace, 73
Phenomenon (A), 87
Potter vice Cobden, 88
Play bill for the month (The), 89
P.-( s.)
Princess Cinderella, 8
Proverbial Poetry, 18
'Pon my Thaml 33

vi INDEX.

Poetry of Parliament (The), 78
Pleasure Garden (The), 93
P.C.C., 128
People's Pleasures, 130, 140, 150, 170
Philosophic Maxims, 151
Park Pastoral (A), 164
Q.-(N. a.)
QUITE in the Dark, 81
R.-(o. s.)
ROYAL Juvenile Gossip (A), 12
Real Curio" (A), 12
Richard Cobden, 42
Royal Taster (A), 80
R.-(N.s.)
Rotten Row, 10, 58
Railway Romance, 38
Re Charles Baldwin Lever, 51
Royal Italian Opera (The), 100
Railway lines for Music, 143
S.-(o.s.)
SOCIAL Bore (The), 8
Signing the Pledge, 13
Song of Spring, 23
Song of the British Bard, 33
Sequel and Sad Conclusion of the History
of Timothy Truncheon (nd Barrow)
(The), 39
Song of the Thames, 48
Sporting Intelligence, 50
Slightly Parodoxical, 53
Septimus Fogg at the Volunteer Review,
54
Some Proposals concerning America, 74
Spring, 89
S.-(N. s.)
Sensation Dramas for the Back Drawing-
room, 9, 22
Sporting Intelligence, 19, 43, 53, 73, 89,
92, 101, 119, 159, 163
Smoothing the Edges, 23
Something like Nonsense Verses, 31, 51
State of the Drama, 48
Song of the Vegetarian, 51
Save me from my Friends, 129
St. Stephen's PicNic (The), 134
Smith on the Moors, 149
Spurgeon (Mr.), his Life, 153
Severed Cable (The), 154

T.-(o. s.)
THEORETICAL Matrimony, I
Town talk, 8, 13, 22, 38, 42, 51, 68, 78, 68

Taken for Grant-ed, 34
Theoretical Housekeeping, 51
Tableau Vivant, 67
Those Evening Bells, 70
T.-(N. s.)
Town Talk, 2, 19, 22, 32, 48, 53, 63, 72, 82,
92, 102, 112, 122, 132, 142, 152, 162
Two Ages (The), 3
Thunderstorm (The), 3
To People in search of a Thrill, 12
To a timid Leech, 20
Travel Extraordinary, 43
Two of Them, 63.
Topsy Turvy Papers, 69, 79, 87, 01, 109,
111, 122, 131,149, 153, 169
Tall Description-some (A), 72
Tempera Mutantur, 82
Theatrical Maxims, 88
Terrific gathering ofRejected Candidates,
109
U-(o. s.)
UTILISATION of Donkey Flesh, 4
U.-(N. s.)
Unprofitable Correspondence, 134
Under a Lancashire Hedge, 152

V.-(o. s.)
VAnRSITY Boats (The), 34
Vice-President Bacchus, 39
Very Stingy, 84
V.-(N. s.)
Victim (A), 113
Vision of Closing Day at the Royal
W.-(o. s.)
WANTED Information, 4
Workman's Train (The), 18
Why must I write, 62
W.-(N. s.)
West London Industrial Exhibition
(The), 20
Working Men's Clubs, 31
Wine, 32
Wisdom and Water, 37
We have gone to the Dogs, 40
What we have to put up with, 102
Weather and the Parks (The), 144
Wanted, 151
Y.-(N.s.)
" You are Welcome, Masters! Welcome,
All," 47
Z.-(N. s.)
Zoological Gardens (The), 60

LARGE ENGRAVINGS.-(o. s.)

ATTAINED, 75
At Bay, 6.5
Bull's Weapon, 25
Emancipation, 85
Honoured Honesty, 45
Judgment of Paris (The), 55
Malt Tax (The), 15
Reward of Merit (The), 5
Settling Day, 35

LARGE ENGRAVINGS.-(N. s.)
After the Whitebait, 65
Battle of Hustings (The), 85
Buoyed with Hope, 155
Choice of Hercules (The), 95
Diner h la Prusse, 165
Lesson in Diplomacy (A), 125
Mahomet Al-lah Francaise, 15
Norman Conquest (The), 145
Oliver Twisted, 45
Promotion not Rejection, 105
Pretty Coil about a Chancellor (A), 75
Parliamentary Pic-nic, 135
Railway Sleepers we should like to see
Taken up (The), 55
Step in the Right Direction (A), 5
When the Cat's away, 35
Weight for Age, 25

SMALL ENGRAVINGS.-(o. s.)
AUTOCRAT of the Breakfast Table ( The),
Alarming Threat (An), 4 90
Bought and Sold, 44
Banting's House.- (Scene), 30
Easter Monday Review, 69 10
Insult to Injury, 24
Is Mischief a Brewing, 20
Next Thing to it (The), 50
Nice Party (A), 80
Personal, 54
Poor Little Chap, 74
Rather Satirical, 14
Simple Nature's Happy Child, 64
Thousand Welcomes, 40
Which is Who, 84
Wanted a Nursery Maid, 70

SMALL ENGRAVINGS.-(N. s.)

AFTERNOON in the Park (An), 10
All in the Downs, 28
British Institution (The), 50
Crystal Palace Concert (The), 70
Complimentary to Travellers by the
Underground, 71
Dramatic F6te ('The), i0
Eye for Colour'(An), 91
Expensive Luxury (An), 138
Evans's Supper Rooms, 160
Form, Riflemen, Form, 14
Friendly Grasp (A), 120
Fearful Threat, 124
From our Paris Correspondent, 161
High-actioned Nightmare, 24
How to Prepare Yourself for the Derby,
30
Horse Show at the Agricultural Hall
(The), 80
How could she say such a Thing, 114
Industry at the West-end, 20
In the Park, 34
Little Game of their Own (A), 44
Mossoo at his Games in "Little France,"
110
Necessitas non Habet Leg(e)s, 121
Our New Motley, 1
Overcome by the Heat, 18
Our Friend Cabby again, 64
On the-well, we won't say what-Line,
Photographic Feat, 61 88
Profound Knowleage of Aristocratic
Habits (A), 84
People's Pleasures, 130, 140, 150, 170
Peelers or the Peeled (The), 141
Personal Remarks, 154
Quite Excusable, 31
Royal Italian Opera, 1C0
Rather a come down for such a get up,
Speculation (A), 8 144
Settler (A), 164
Taxation and Civilization, 4
This Sketcher's Caught, 74
Volunteer Movement (A), 51
Vision of Closing Day at the Royal
Very Likely, 158
We have gone to the Dogs, 40
What Sensation has come to at last, 51
V, weather or Not, 94
Zoological Gardens (The), 60

ILONDON: JUDD AND GLASS, PRINTERS, ST. ANDREW'S HILL, DOCTORS' COMMONS.

. ..../-7. I
-' .. _, : -. .. .

-

THEORETICAL MATRIMONY.
SCENE. A dimly-lighted drawing-room. PRESENT. A young lady
known as KITTY, and ARTHUR LOVESICK.
ARTxuR (loq.)-Won't it be jolly, KITTY ?
KITTY.-Yes, dearest, delicious.
AKTHim.-And we will never quarrel.
KITTY.-Never, dearest. We will do nothing but love one another.
ARTHUR. -And, KITTY sweet, you shall always have your own little
way.
KITTY.-And so shall you, ARTHUR dearest.
ARTHUR.-And anything you may think you should like to buy, you
shall have, my darling.
KITTY.-I shall never want anything if I have you.
ARTHUR.-Not even pretty boots and gloves, KITTY ?
KITTY.-Oh, I shall hardly think of those things then. We shall be
too happy to think of anything of that kind.
ARTHUR.-And should you have children, you shall dress them just
as you like, KITTY ; and teach them music in the cradle, as all fond,
fashionable mothers do, my pet.
KITTY.-Oh, no, dearest; they shall be free as nature until they are
old enough to think for themselves. You shall direct everything
respecting their education. I shall have no wish but to gratify you,
darling.
ARTHUR.-What a heaven it will be! One long gleam of uninter-
rupted sunshine! Flowers will bloom with no other radiance than the
KITTY.-Trees in autumn will grow green as we go by; and our
love will stretch on to beautify eternity.
AnTHUn.-Poetical KITTY! We'll bring everything to a climax by
writing a volume of poems.
KITTY.-Oh, delightful! You be another MR. TUPPER, and I'll be
another Mns. ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING.
ARTHUR.-No, hang it, not TuPPER !
KITTY.-Yes, another TUPPER; I insist upon it.
ARTHUI.-No, KITTY; say another BRoWNING.
KITTY.-And why not TUPPER, pray ? He's a most exquisite poet.
ARTHnu.-He's an infernal old parable-grinding, philosophy-
mongering, see-saw, milk-and-water driveller.
KITTY.--Of course, abuse my favourite poet. That's just like you,

ARTHUR!. You always will be disagreeable if you can, and never will
AnRTHun.-Then why do you make disgusting suggestions ? You
know that I'm ambitious to be a poet.
KITTY.-Well, and isn't TUPPrrER a better and greater poet than you
will ever be P
ARTHUR.-That has to be proved, darling.
KITTY.-Ho! ho! you conceited puppy! (Quits her hold on his hand.),
You never wrote a line worth reading.
AITHUR.-Now that's a falsehood, KITTY; you have often said that
I wrote divinely.
KITTY.-Oh, yes! perhaps so, when I was horribly spooney.
Judgment is always eclipsed by sentiment.
ARTHIR.-There would be much loss in your case if there were
an eternal eclipse of judgment. (Rises, and strides to the other end of
the room. KITTY goes to the piano and plays a lively air, to which she
sin.qs merrilyy)
Practical matrimony between the same parties we leave to the
imagination of the reader; and we are sure that experience will help
many to realize the picture. Alas! that it should be so. FUN weeps
for both sexes.

THE BIRDIN' OF AN HONOUR."
TEi EMPEROR MAXIMILIAN of Mexico has for a long time past been
trying to establish order in his disturbed country. As he has not been
quite successful in establishing one description of order it has occurred
to him to start another, and he has, therefore, determined on a new
decoration-the Mlexican Eagle. No doubt it will be eagle-ly sought
after by his subjects. In fact, the fight for it is likely to be so fierce
that the poor bird will be torn in pieces. One will seize on its wings
as a reward for his o-pinions; another will not pause in taking its
claw in acknowledgment of his talents ; and a third may, perhaps,
appropriate the crooked bill beak-cause he thinks it is due to him.
Perhaps, after all, it would be better to call the decoration the new
dis-order.

EPITArH ON A POUGoBOY.-Only a clod!
HAUNTED MEN.-The BROTiHERS DAVENPORT.

VOL. VIlI A

FUN.

[MARCH 18, 1865.

LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN.
No. 15.-THz SUPPORTER OF THE MINrISTRY.
THERE are many people who like to take their life through a quill.
They dislike the exertion of thinking for themselves, and prefer to
have everything done for them. Taking, as we do in these lectures, a
catholic view of human nature, we must admit that such temperaments
are to some extent to be envied. A man whose existence is no source
of trouble or anxiety to him is a very happy man indeed, and we can
conceive no more pleasant way of getting through the world than to
Such lotos-eating may appear at first sight perfectly incompatible
with parliamentary duties. But to those of our students who are at
all initiated into the mysteries of St. Stephen's, it will seem not only
possible but probable.
The most comfortable club in the world is the legislative assembly
of Great Britain. It is a bed of roses, in which the only crumpled
leaves that can be found for complaint-and without grumbling no
Englishman's happiness can be said to be complete-are to be found in
the leaves of the dining-tables. An M.P. has only one fault to find
with his club at Westminster Palace-that the dinners are not quite up
to the mark of the Lord Mayor's annual spread at the Mansion-house,
and that the faro is not unreasonably good when supplied at a reason-
able price. For the rest the national club-house is luxurious to an
unheard-of degree. The most exquisitely padded and plenteous
lounges form the benches. Our students will remember what a large
sum ALDERMAN SALOAMONS was contented to pay for the luxury of
sitting for a few moments on one of these benches. We believe we
are not wrong in saying that he actually purchased the piece of furni-
ture afterwards for his country scat.
The light is a subdued and suffused glow-a gas sunset, not poured
down by a number of distracting jets flaring on all sides, but streaming
through a ground glass firmament. The galleries afford empty
benches for a doze; the library supplies plenty of books; there is a
smoking-room; in short everything that can be desired for a club of
the most delicious description.
We must not, therefore, in treating of the various lines to be
adopted by our young and attentive students, for one moment overlook
the fict that some of them are anxious to enter the House simply for
the sake of its lazy, luxurious listlessness.
For such lotos-eaters the best course is to become a "supporter of
the Ministry."
Any young gentleman who can command moans to induce a con-
stituency to return him, has only to pay his election agent's expenses,
and place himself in the hands of Ma. BmAND, the Government whip.
From the moment of his doing so his peace is ensured.
lie can, when he pleases, loutge into the House to hear the eloquence
of the great men of the day ; he may descend in the scale of oratory
from the finished grace and largo thought of the CHRYSOSTo.' of the
Exchequer to the studied snarl and borrowed brilliance of the Caucasian
Tnimsis's. When he wearies of this intellectual recreation he can
stroll into the library and improve his mind-if he be unfortunate
enough to possess such a troublesome article-with the great works of
the mighty dead. Or he can smoke the fragrant Cabana, the soothing
cheroot, or the sybaritic cigarette. All that is required of him is to
rush when called by the prompter's bell to the wings of the House,
and be ready when required to go through his part in the popular and
well-known farce of "Ayes to the right, Noes to the left."
Having passed through the lobby, our friend is at liberty to return
to his wine, his weed, or his whist, until again required by the fates
(and Mu. BRAND) to fling himself into the gap and prop the falling
fortunes of the state. Long and faithful services will not naturally be
without their ultimate reward, and our lotos-eater may, in the end,
when some troublesome people among his constituents begin to run
restive and threaten to throw him over, procure a snug post in the
Customs-the happy hunting fields of grey incompetents and used-
up servants of party-or may even arrive at the peerage, and die Lord
Noodle, because he never gave any trouble and always voted right.
This is, perhaps, the easiest line for a young politician to adopt. It
does not require brains, or indeed anything but a simple childish
trust, and a complete understanding with the whipper-in of the
Ministry. It is true that the rude public may look upon such sprigs
of l parliament as weeds, but they may congratulate themselves at all
events on being weeds of an excellent BRAND.

The Modern Time 'un.
WE read in a Yankee paper that
Si1 WAIrT of New Yolk's income is three dollars and a half per minute."
This isa vO- rapid growth of time; in fact, his thyme must be
ald thye, it is so fast with its money. Or perhaps it isn' thyme at
all, bitt minit.

GOD SPEED THE SOUTH.
AND these axe rebels! If they be,
Rebellion, then, is dear to me;
And ever shall be to the free.
GoD speed the South!
No crotchet nerves their arm to fight;
No empire dream-no paltry slight
Hath lit for them war's lurid light.
GoD speed the South!
For nobler ends the sword they draw;
All feel, with deep religious awe,
The promptings of one common law.
GoD speed the South!
Home! home! beloved and sacred word!
For this the patriot's loins they gird-
For this their vows are breathed and heard.
GoD speed the South!
Freedom! for this her children bleed!
Home were a sorry home, indeed,
Of freedom's hallowed light in need,
GoD speed the South!
For human rights-neglected things-
No partial right divine of kings "-
For these the sword to battle springs.
GOD speed the South!
For love of country! Yes, the fire
That once inflamed the worthy sire
Doth now the worthy sons inspire.
GOD speed the South!
Truth-honour (baubles to the vile)-
Old age's blessing-woman's smile-
Such thoughts the struggler's toils beguile.
GOD speed the South!
Hate of oppression Though it claim
Its victims in a brother's name,
This lights rebellion's sacred flame.
Gon speed the South!
Hate of ambition's sateless lust,
Which dooms its myriads "dust to dust,"
And treads on human peace and trust.
GOD speed the South!
She sees Invasion's ruthless deeds-
Her slaughtered sons-her widows' weeds-
GoD speed the South!
Speed her to Liberty's release!
Speed her to war's true triumph-Peace!
When right shall live, and wrong shall cease.
GoD speed the South!
And speed her to the jubilee
When all her children shall be free;
Nor white, nor black shall fettered be.
GoD speed the South!
AND HE WILL SPEED HER Yes, He cries,
Arise to heaven; and as they rise,
The world's full-hearted voice replies,
GoD speed the South!

A URav, the other day, gave damages to a man who had lost his wife
by a railway accident-assessing them at one shilling, and directing
that the sum was to be divided among his three children. It is impos-
sible to conceive a more idiotic verdict. If the railway was to blame,
the damages should have been heavy; if not to blame, there should
have been no damages at all. By giving each of the children four-
pence in place of a mother, the jury taught the poor 'little things how
to estimate the loss of a mother's affection. Their grief was their
jo(e)y. We hope that the verdict was delivered on the scene of the
accident-the Underground Railway-for the locality would be some
excuse for the jury in arriving at their conclusion so evidently in the
dark.
A FACT FOR THE DARWINITES.
A TALENTED Englishman, who has travelled in the Celestial Empire,
has recently returned to England, and has become a tutor, teaching
the Celestial language. He has now turned Coach-in Chinese.

MARCH 18, 1865.]

F U N.

The Drowning of the Ten in Erith Reach.
HEAVING in the arms of sunlight-
Sunlight leaping on the ripple,
Steely-grey and golden-crested-
Lo! behold the ample river,
Waking to the green of spring-time.
Coming with the tide-her bold chest
Throwing off two shining lances
Splintered into creamy spangles-
See that boat, her canvas bosomed-
Bosomed full by lusty pressure
Of the wind that, from the north-west,
Stirs the pulses of the water.
Lo! she comes, her pennon flashing-
Flashing gaily in the brightness
Of an evening sun descending
On the haze of distant London,
On the tinkle of the sheepfolds.
Lo she comes with freight of pure gold ;
Sturdy boys with rich blood thrown up
On their cheeks of ruddy bronzing;
Reflex of the inner manhood-
Celtic manhood, Saxon manhood-
Gathering round the hearts of children.
Such the freight-freight under guidance.
Of the bold and trusty CuSHMAN-
CusHMAN, "good and faithful servant,"
Bo'sun of the good ship Worcester.
Very happy were the children,
Very happy was the bo'sun ;
Proud the bo'sun of the children,
Proud the children of the bo'sun ;
Smiled the bo'sun on the children,
Smiled the children on the bo'sun.
Rose the wind with sigh portentous,
Rose the wind with moan of warning,
Came the showers vexed and gusty!
Slacken foresail! lower mainsail!
Let her drop down the streamway,
Let her off the wind run freely.
God be merciful! She trembles-
Trembles for one awful moment-
Trembles on the darkling water,
Gurgling in with hoarse impatience-
And she's lost! Oh, God! those children,
They are struggling with the ebb flow-
Struggling in the cold broad river--
In the current of the river !
Then uprose the dauntless courage
Of the brave and hardy CusMaaN-
CusnMAN, "good and faithful servant,"
Bo'sun of the good ship Worcester.
Cleaved the tide his brawny sinews,
Clung the weakest to his shoulders-
Shoulders massive as his great heart.
Rang his voice along the water :
Grand the call, and grand the answer;
Rang his voice along tje water:
OCusns w save the others, CUSHMAN!
All you can, and I'll work with you!"
Disappeared the dauntless stripling,
Disappeared beneath the water,
Stunned by falling of the jib-boom.
Struck out boldly, sturdy DENTON,
Struck out boldly for the shoring;
Clinging to his little shoulders.
Noble boy he breasts the current
As a hero born to conquer.
But alas down, down together
Underneath the gurgling ebb flow
Clinging, clinging to his shoulders.
In the distance battles Cuuas xn-

Battles with the tide descending
In a mighty turbid volume.
Look! those two lads, they are failing;
Faint and fainter grow their struggles.
To them, CuSHMAN, with his stout arms
Reaching forward! They are rescued-
Rescued just as they are sinking-
Rescued by the faithful CusHumA !
Turns he now in search of others,
Fighting feebly with the waters.
Clung a crowd of white-faced children
Round their great and good protector,
Drowning slowly, drowning slowly.
Rescued-as a mortal paleness
In they dragged the faithful CUSHMAN,
Who with one arm held a body-
Body rich in youthful beauty,
Whence the soul had just departed,
Spite the zeal of faithful CutnSAr.
All was over-ten were missing-
Ten young hearts were cold and pulseless
Underneath the gloomy river,
Over which the wind of twilight
Moaned a penitential vesper.
Bitter, bitter, very bitter
Sisters, brothers of the drowned ones.
Yet be comforted; these children
Played the men amid the horror
And the tumult of their battle.
Faithful JocNsoN, faithful DENTON,
These and others keep their birthright--
English courage, English honour-
Kept the silver shield untarnished,
Kept it bright with noble CusMrAN-
CusanrA, "good and faithful servant,"
Bo'sun of the good ship Worcester.

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS.
PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD.
SMITH.-Well, next to being an ELIOT or a Gauy, the most com-
fortable thing, now-a-days, seems to me to be a BETHELL.
BROWN.-Yes; you are sure of a good berth somewhere.
SnITH.-And how gratifying it is to the nation, who has the honour
of indirectly providing for the scions of our Lord Chancellor. What
a proof it is of the superior manner in which the vacancies in public
appointments are filled up.
BRowN.-Some people might call it jobbery.
SMITu.-Yes, they might; but if you have an appointment, and also
a son who can fill it, the best thing then to do is to keep it in the
family.
BnowN.-LonR D WESTBURY'S opinion exactly.
SMITrr.-The unhappy Conservatives Are they never to have a
success ? Here's the Malt Tax, in spite of all the recent agitation, still
unrepealed.
BnowN.-And likely to remain so, if the Government majority of
last week is any criterion.
SMITH.-Well, it will give them something to work upon when they
go to the country at the end of the session; so they ought to be
thankful.
BRowN.-That's true; and they want a party-cry badly enough.
Though whether it will be a successful one remains to be proved.
SMITH.-I wonder if the City will consent to the removal of Temple
Bar when the new Law Courts are built.
BRowN.-Probably not; as it will then be still more of an obstruc-
tion than now, and, as such, will be doubly dear to the civic mind. You
might as well fancy they would do away with the Lord Mayor's day
tomfoolery.
SMITH.-Well, that would be no loss, except, perhaps, to the water-
men who march in the procession, and the men in armour.
BnowN.-Who usually got so particularly drunk previous to the
show.
SMITH.-But joking apart, the removal of the "Bar" would really
be a great improvement.
BnowN.-Of course it would, and just for that reason it is most
unlikely to be carried out.

MENTAL ArraLcTioN.-Cudgelling one's brain for an idea.
ErrPITAPH ON A POULTERERn.-A gooser!

F UJ 12.-MARCH 18, 1865.

~II -)

K'

THE REWARD OF MERIT.

/

I,-
/W /
'1/

\\ \~~\

V/

MARci 18, 1865.]

FUN.

,fun in varliaintnf.

HOUSE OF LORDS.-MONDAY, MARCH 6.
THE PRINCE OF WALES attended the sitting. WESTBURY began to
smile, and bob, and wriggle, in order to convoy the impression that he
was much beloved; tried hard to catch the Royal eye, but H.R.H.
wouldn't have it, whereupon WESTEURY looked gloomy, and relieved
his feelings by growling at EARL DE GREY AND RIPON, who is awfully
afraid of WESTBURY.
The EARL or DALHOUSIE said that as noble lords had really nothing
to do he might be excused for calling attention to the "glass and
glare of the new military hospitals. They might be very pretty for
flower shows, but as hospitals they were ridiculous. Of course light
was a grand assistance to the sick, but that was no reason why you
should blind people with it. He found that the lower part of the
windows had been painted green upon the principle that too much of
a good thing is good for nothing, a discovery which in this instance
was made by the very first regiment that tried this Crystal Palace.
EARL nE GREY AND EIPON was ready to admit that he didn't know
much about it, but he did think that his noble friend was a little too
fast. The EARL OF ELLENBOROUGn didn't think much of the
"hygeists" who had recommended the glass and the glare," and the
great doors and the hurricane draughts. Furthermore he didn't like
the word "hygeist." Nor do we; it smells of MORirsoN's Pills, and
surely that is sufficient reason for any one to be ashamed of it. The
EARL OF LONG'FORD understood that the only new hospital really a
success was of all the most difficult to get at. The DUKE OF
CAMBRIDGE could not agree with the EARL or DALHOUSIE. He (the
Duke) thought that the new hospitals were efficient; and if the DUKE
OF CAMBRIDGE says that, we have little fear, for there's good stuff in
the DUKE or CAMBRIDGE.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
M LESLIE wanted to know why the colonists of Hong Kong
should not have the luxury of paying nothing towards their garrison.
MR. CARDWELL considered that Ma. LESLIE'S friends were cool. Most
colonists are. New Zealand colonists, for instance.
LORD STANLEY opened fire on the neat little emtiroglio in the Patent
Office. Loan STANLEY would like to know as much as he could about
it. The Attorney-General was confident that LoaD STANLEY would
like to know; but, at least for the present, didn't he wish he might
get it. There was going to be a regular scrimmage about the whole
Sin J. ELPHINSTONE asking for information as to that Family
Provider, WESTBURY, Lord High Chancellor of England. Was it true
that he'd made another relation grateful to his country, in that he
(the relation) happened to be a BETHELL ? The Attorney-General
couldn't say; he saw it stated in the newspapers. Mu. WHITESIDE
inquired if the retiring EDMONDS, about whom is all the row, did
not pick up something in the pension line. The Chancellor of the
Exchequer couldn't say. Really they knew nothing of what went
on in the other place.
Ma. BENTrINCK, on Railway Accidents, withdrew his motion, MRn.
MaIL-ER GIBSON having promised that a Royal Commission should
endeavour to come at the best way of bringing railway directors to
their senses.
LORD C. PAGET, in a lengthy speech, moved the Naval Estimates,
the general estimate being that we have got rid of money by the
bushel, in order to lay it out to the worst advantage. Debate
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TUESDAY.
W The Family Provider to the house of BETHELL rose to justify
himself. The statement was lengthy, but queer. A smart discussion
followed; WESTBURY got very snappish towards the end, and small
wonder, for he was bullied right and left. A committee will open the
case, and see if there's anything nasty inside. We trust if they find
anything nasty they'll know how to distribute the honours.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Petitions for Repeal of the Malt Duty poured in by the hundred;
after which Sin FITznOY KELLY brought on his motio n on the subject
in a speech of which even Sin FITzaoY KELLY might be proud, and Sisr
E. B. LYTTox seconded him in one of the most eloquent appeals ever de-
livered in the House. MR. NEATE moved an amendment to the effect that
we ought to go on just as we were ; how could MH. GLADSTONE keep his
Free Trade surplus if he was not allowed to be a Protectionist ? MR.
NEATE'S qualifications for addressing the House on the Malt question
arose from the fact that he knew just as much about it as we know
of his abilities, and the parallel is not complimentary. We mention
that, for fear NEATE should get into a state of gratitude and love
for us, and we don't care about it. MH. WHITE, large man, very largo

worst Protectionist, waved the banner of Free Trade. B1n. DUCA.NE
related a story about some barley and linseed, which, having been
sent to Somerset-house in order to be mixed, was sat pon for a
fortnight by the authorities. To say nothing of the patience of
the authorities, one would imagine that they became sticky. Mn.
IHLRDCASTLE-by the way, who is ILHARuASTLE ?-having been put up
to move the previous question, moved it; but the Thames is quite
safe in the matter of HARDCASTLE. COLONEL BARTTELOT showed how
"the friends of the people" can turn about when it suits them. Your
hot Free Trader has changed his garment, or found that it wears
better by wearing the lining outside. MlR. MILNEUR GIBSON then
supplied a proof, if proof were wanting, but was informed that the
House were tired of hearing that friend of the people. Mi. HENLEY,
not a friend of the people, spoke up for them nevertheless, and was
loudly cheered; but the Government, having dodged the Malt
Repealers into the belief that the debate would be adjourned, presently
got on a division, which they won by 251 to 171.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.-WEDNESDAY.
LonD RorERT MONTAGU introduced a bill to prevent the mixture of
sewage with river water pumped up for drinking; also to mako the
fish comfortable, and the atmosphere a little more pleasant; Slin
GEORGE GREY having promised that the Govermnent would interest
themselves on this, to them a cognate matter. Loiw lt. MONTAau con-
sented to keep quiet a little longer.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TsunsnDAY.
The Family Provider to the house of BETHELLs" proposed a select
committee on the EDMONDS case. Very good names.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
MRa. CowpEr thought that Leicester-square was indeed unhappy, for
it was not under the control of his Government. The House didn't
seem to think that this was the worst evil that could happen to
Leicester-square, for they said Oh to the lamentation of Cow'ER ;
but after all we must admit that CowrER was not so very far wrong,
for the private squares are abominations. CowrER promises, by virtue
of a recent act, to force the Leicesterites to clean up ; and while lie's
about it, will he be so good as to look at Golden-square ?
LenD R1. CECIL would be glad to know if any madman connected
with the Federal Government had claimed compensation for the
damaging of the Alabama. Miu. LAYADn said no. But we should like
to be informed how much private bullying the Government have had
to bear, and how they have taken it, and how many times the EARIL OF
THE FLABBY MIND has told M3I. ADA IS to speak a good word for him
when writing home. MR. lRIGnHT asked if it were really true that we
had claims against the United States (that is BinuiT's term). JoaN
BRIGiaT'S method of putting the question looks as if he judged it an
improper wish on our part to expect payment.
Resumption of adjourned debate on Naval Estimates by Sin MonRTON
PETO, who expressed the general opinion that Government had botched
everything they undertook. ADMIRAL MWALCOTT thought so too.
Sin J. HAY in an admirable speech trimmed the jackets-wo beg
pardon, poke bonnets-of the Board of Admiralty. LoRD C. PAGET,
the honest secretary of the Old Lady Confederation in Whitehall-
what would the old ladies do without him?-did all he could to help
his employers, and he praised the DUKE op SOIMERSET, the principal old
lady, with great unction. Mu. LAIRD, who really does know what he
talks about, gave the old ladies a few practical hints, which of course
the old ladies, being old ladies, will not take. nit. STANSFELD, too,
gave the old females good advice. SIR JOHN PAKINGTON summed
up the indictment of stupidity and incompetence in a manner very
cruel and hurtful to the old females, and after an ugly little story
accounted for, the debate was finished, and LORD C. PAGET was ob-
served to wipe away a tear."

Dinner Speeches.
CHAIRMAN.-In proposing the health of Mr. Silversides, I can
honestly say that there is no man on earth I more esteem or whose
health I should have more pleasure in proposing. (C'/hairmaut walking/
home arm in (nir wilte ai f'it'nd after the di~mer).--Do you know it almost
made me sick to propose the health of that fellow Silversides, but there
was no help for it. If there is a man in the world I hateo, it is him.

The Dickens I
THE Garrick Club has black-balled MR. DICKENS'S ifn/tual Friend.
MuI. WILKIE COLLINS seconded the candidate, to whom we, for obvious
reasons, give No /amne. The Garrick is getting so select that it had
better rechristen itself The Dainty Davie."

FUN.

[MARCH 18, 1865.

I

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THE SOCIAL BORE.
TJiEnsE surely are no ills in life,
Thore's nothing that can stir our wrath
And yet promote our laughter,
Compared to what in slang we term
A bore both pure and simple-
He's like a very ugly face
With no redeeming dimple.
When evening comes, the Social Bore
Leaves solitude behind him,
And heaven only can affirm
Where loungers cannot find him.
The whiff of tea athwart his nose,
The music of a platter,
Pins down his thoughts to earthly things,
Neglecting "mind and matter."
For metaphysics seldom fail
And bores are all content to wed
At any tempting altars.
A friend is found in every street,
A chum in every terrace ;
And every maiden whom he meets
Assuredly ma ch/re is.
When privacy would be a boon
Surpassing all conception,
The hDore comes in with buoyant stride,
1i.l. iuiin with reception."
Yonr spouse casts up a wistful gaze,
Yowr daughter gazes harder-
The 1 it ; n.1b rI. t spouse or child,
lis' :- ,:.:: it i:i the larder.
The hbws ily on, but still he stays,
i ( e t l -' t .' I l ..
Y',.ie,, yuarwif. ,, .U. ,I 1- ting.
At tet the XI55 'e 5
iT,7 htefl Ia thft W1i lost wifr
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ht;i.a.ao baa ite ifl'as .

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MIARCH 18, 1865.]

FUN.

AT THE PLAY.
Mirabile dietu, a really original play, has been produced at the
Olympic, and still more wonderful to relate, the author of it is Min.
ToeM TAYLOR. Both these circumstances ought to be extremely
gratifying to the British public: firstly, as showing tlat originality
has not quite died out from among English dramatists; and secondly,
that MRt. TAYLOR is capable of other things besides translating from
the French. Not that we can exactly regard Sdttling Day as one of
that class of dramas that will live when SHAKESPEARE is forgotten;
but, on the contrary, we are inclined to look upon it as the work of a
practised playwright accustomed to flavour the productions of clever
foreign writers so as to suit the English palate. It is an essentially
commonplace piece, spun out to five acts, excellently acted, as only
the Olympic company can act, and extremely well put on the stage.
First nights are but seldom good criterions of a play's stability; the
author's friends invariably muster in sufficient strength to bear down
all hostile criticism. Besides which, now-a-days we are far too
civilized to do anything so vulgar as hiss. We simply stay away, and
the piece is withdrawn. To particularize the acting would be in-
vidious; all the performers were so good in their respective parts.
Both Miss TERsIn and Miss LYDIA FOOTE have, however, decidedly
gained another round on the Thespian ladder; and the boldness of the
former management, who withdrew the latter young lady from her
obscurity over the water," cannot be too highly praised. The piece.
will have a good run, and deservedly ; but not in the least from any
intrinsic merit it possesses, but solely from the acting.
An English version of M. GOUNOD'S eldecin Malgre lui has been
brought out at Covent Garden; but why the limited- liability gentle-
men should have brought out the only good thing they have produced
this season at the very end of it is more than we can exactly fathom.
Possibly the idea pervading the directorial mind was to convince the
public by contrast, if that astute body had any doubts upon the'
subject, of the utter worthlessness of the generality of their novelties.
The blank verse in which the present version is written, though' better,
than the average run of operatic poetry-not that that says much-has
rather the effect upon the original of MOLIEIn that the extraction of
the fruit would have upon a tart.
At the St. James's, Faces in the Fire, an adaptation, by Man. LEImcSTEs
BUCKINGHAM, of -Mithilde ou la Jalousie, is very successful. But when
Mn. and Mhts. CHARILES MATHEWS and Miss HHERBERT perform,, that.
piece must be, indeed, worthless that cannotyachieve success. Mas..
MATHEWS as the tender mother, forced to conceal her relationship to
her son for fear of their separation, exhibitedpowers of pathos which
no one ever gave her the credit of possessing; while her perennial
husband-but there, CHARLES MATHEWS is CHARLES MATHEWS, so no
more upon that excessively amusing head.
:-As a rule the legitimate drama is, to use a commercial expression,
a drug in the theatrical market; but when such an example of the
article is produced as The Love Chase, with three such performers as
MR. WVEBSTER,a MRS. STIRLING, and MIss HENRIETTA SIMMS, the ex-
ception proves the rule. The first actor played his original part of
Master Wildrake, in which he was distinguished some five and twenty
years ago, and though'time stands still no more with ihina than with
other persons, we fancy that the Old Scytheman has not robbed his
impersonation of one tittle of its pristine power. There may have
been as good Widow'Greens as MAIRS. STIRLING; but better, assuredly
none. What can we expect ? Is she not always charming ? Is she
not always-M-ns. STIRLING ? Of Miss HENRIETTA SIMMS great things
may be predicted. How in the hunchback her Helen and not Miss
BATEMAN'S Julia was the character of the piece, is it not fresh in the
v A small farce, IHeartstrings and Fiddlestrings, by MRi. DAVID FISHER,,
was produced .last week at the Princess's; but as it was chiefly useful
in communicating to the audience the 't.i.,. r. .i fact that the actor-
author can play the fiddle, we are not aware that it-demands any
profound expression either of praise or otherwise.

NAP CAUGHT NAPPING.
THE preface to the EMPEROR's Life of C(esar commences with these
remarkable words:-
"Historical truth ought to be no less sacred than religion."
We should like to know what the head of His Imperial Highness's
church would argue about the EMPEROR's regard for veracity, as
judged by his respect for religion. The Porn would be inclined to say
he was no stronger partizan of truth than of Pius practices.

THEn MAN TO KICK UP A SHLNE."-M1R. BRIGnHT.
Ouri coachman tells us the reason why horses go so slowly at
funerals is, they are laden with the trappings of wo !

A Melancholy Cat-astrophe.
IN A CONCATENATION OF IltYMES.
STRAYED AWAY FROM IllS HOME, 13, Square, the middle of
December last, a Brown Tabby Tom Cat, no white; whoever has found the
same, and will bring lhi to tli above address, shall receive 10s.-Clerkonwell See's,
THAT
Cat
Could hardly know what he was at.
Did a rat,
Pit-a-pat,
Lure hin off from the rug where he sat-
Or what I
HIo was blind as a bat,
That's llit;
Or he never had quitted his mat,
To go wandering oil' like a gnat,
Or a truant front school-naughty brat-
Or some migrating fish-say a sprat.
Or, perhaps, did lihe put on his hat,
And go out for a nice little chat
With Grimalkin, deniure, who was squat
On the cistern or rain-water vat ?
Oh, Tabby Tom, lovely and fat,
No doubt into trouble you gat.
Did you meet with a rival who spat,
Swore, tore, scratched your furry cravat,
While you. vainly tried, Tit, tit for tat!
Well, whatever you're at,
Poor Tabby Tom Cat,
We can't make you appear by a writ "L atitat."
You are gone! r Ierbum sat
Salpienti. And that
Means, let every wise puss accept this caveat,
Nor leave the fireside for the moon-lit grass-plat,
Where you fell by catastrophe, as trophy, Cat.!

NOTES AND QUERIES.
ToPAz.-" The trial of Jontx IBAUlLEYCORN is a vapid tirade which
the teetotallers occasionally perform in public. We may add that it is
an ascertained fact that they very. often "try" Jonx BAaiEYcosN in
private too,
FaIZZLE.-There can be no doubt about the authorship of the line in
question. The writer's name, in fact, is quoted at the end of it:-
I give thee all, I cal no "-MOORE.
PorxiNs.-We cannot inform you of the existence of a "leading
literary journal "-except FUN-but we could show you a great many
mis-leading ones, the conductors of which, as you observe, are de-
scribed as Hcaditors on the /ires d ont lucendo principle.
A MARINE is anxious to learnt how to establish a salt water aquarium.
Get a glass dish and fill with sea-water, if you can get it. If you
can't, put in common water ani add common salt. To stock it, pur-
chase a lobster at tlhe nearest fishmonger's and put it in. It will thriive
better if it be boiled first. You may keep oysters in your tank; bit it
is an untankful task, on account of the growth of their beards, which
require constant shaving. A little sea-kale is appropriate as v'-'l,,it i,.i
CUT CAVENxISnt.-Your language is a little incoherent, II .**
though one might be led to suppose so by hearing of Indian itubbers.
CIVILITY.-You want i (loovernnucnt tappointmlent. Well, apply for
one, and if you don't get that you will get dis-appointment. Sco if
that will do as well.
AN ADMIEiit orF THE SEX.- When you meet a young lady it is not
considered good manners to say "Crikey, ain't you a stunner !" until
you have been formally introduced.
CONSCIENCE MONEY wishes to know what taxes we should advise
him to pay. Ours, of course!
A HOUSEHOLDEIt inquires whether, if he finds a fire in his house, lie
can legally put it out without an action for ejectment Wo should
say he would be greatly put out himself if he did not.

Ax "exalted personage" has declared (ride GENERAL K\NOLLYS to
the Times, March 9th), that he intends to head the anti-percentago
movement:
To lead this war againstt pci-'quiie,
Our grateful ii lidl hails
Her hcii-a:piuiit; viho so fit
As AU:H.Ti, l'i.NCie oFr ails "

THE DuKE's 10TTO.-'rrq1isitiCs (nol) eat.

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b[MAKnc 18, 1865.

I sought out a gloomy old castle,
Where banshels and ghosts nightly wail;
Each chamber had witnessed a murder
Dire enough to make inron hearts quail!
A castle where strange sounds of horror
Were borne on the fierce midnight blast;
In my joy I sang, 1;, 'Triumphe !
Here's the scene for my story at last."
I gave to my heroine, beauty
Surpassing mere sublunar mould;
I dressed her in orthodox muslin,
And sketched her defiant and bold.
Her spirit, as haughty as JUNO's,
This earth's mortal dross could not veil;
And the virtues possessed by that lady
Would make e'en a tombstone turn pale.
She'd a father, a terrible ogre,
Who drank gallons on gallons of wine,
And oft used a word, whose commencement
Was D., but it wasn't divine.
Said the father, "'Tis time you were married,
Your mother and I don't oppose it
Take Lonr HARRY BRowN for a husband."
Said the young lady, "Not if I knows it.
"I love RICmARD, the handsome young peasant,
Who tendeth his kine on the lea,
And at morning and evening goes milking,
And RrcHARD my husband shall be."
Quoth the father, Ungrateful young damsel,
To the north-western attic you'll go;
I'll starve you to death first, and after
You shall drown in the river below."
They hurried her off to the attic,
And fancied they'd starved her to death;
Then opened a trap-door and flung her
Down into the river beneath.
But RICHARD was waiting to catch her,
And he gave her a dagger or two,
Three revolvers, and four pounds of strychnine,
And said, "There's a dark deed to do !"
Stabbed her father, and said 'There's un pdre!"
She blew out the brains of her brother,
And tugged at her half-sister's hair.
She poisoned LORD BnowN, christened HARRY,
In afoehd of Parmesan cheese,
And served up the ribs of her victims
As COtelettes d la soubise.

ed the gay peasant RICHARD,
ed in that castle so grand;
two or throo servants per diem,
damnes say, "to keep in her hand."
servants grow short, she killed RIeCAnD,
Mnd she was laid on the shelf;
llod 0ot i libottli of stryelmine,
liut, in despair, killed hmrself.

I wished in vain for the proof shoot,
Aid long waas 1 destined to wait,
i'or 'iI .. I.i. sent me this letter,
"Mi, your copy lies under thue grato.
The whulo noiel was not worth a shilling-
In fnct it ws v'ryv wokt stil';
Thiughl t1i helroj a piar'ttiud to Idlling,
Yso( f e' ( poit i" nwi'do's i,'gh "

A P PITlVL HEOURTARY,
Ao hrrriT. in ififrnll ravily stat ths AtNMu, St\NTw, the eldoral
-. .ri ,1 r -j 11o Whr, iff it lffilt mlldii, mhln "l lW takke sight
Li of th ae 1e a. tlssxatwtrrng at a dut W. i i diios01111, i!'ot we I" ;kn a ig-ht in-
b0t1-1.- i'i djo ?lW n Tw t not 11., 10 i ttx war, We
Our 'i'ih I i" I -'I.,i I. ilght whivh th .. i 1.1" Yantee piapor

A Coin a tow'S4 The gya Emtsnl Is

.t . fl T t W i t f .. : l t M t Is, 1805.

EDITED BY TOM HOOD.

NEW SERIES.

upplementary lN umber.-September 7, 1865.-Price One Penny.

Ft

MAncH 25, 1865.]

FU N.

AT THE PLAY.

VN these days, when the reputation
of a "great tragedienne" may
be acquired on the very shortest
notice and with the very slenderest

the appreciative playgoer to see an
actress like Miss HELEN FAUCIT,
who owes her position not to judi--
ciously arranged newspaper puffs,
but to her own genius and talent.
But there is one cause of complaint
we have against Miss HELEN
S FALCIT, which we cannot get over,
and that is, why do we see so little
of her? Why is it that she appears
but now and again in the theatrical
heavens like a comet to dazzle
e with her brightness and to make
'_ us wish that she was a fixed
-4 s'o star. So much, however, has
,been said of her SHAxESPERIAN
performances that it would be vain
for us to swell the chorus of her admirers with our pennyworth of praise.
The revival of the Schioolfor Scandal at Drury Lane was very judicious, if
only to show Mn. PHELPS as Sir Peter Teazle, a masterly impersonation
in its way, though we much prefer his Sir Pertinax Macsycophant as
an embodiment of character, and, to our thinking, one that does
the actor more credit. Perhaps, however, that arises from the fact
that the latter character is all his own, and in its representation he
stands facile princeps, whereas in the former character he has to brave
comparison with actors to the full as good as himself, if not superior,
and as Mrs. Malaprop says, "Caparisons are oderous." ins. HERMANu
VEZIX made a very charming Lady Teazle, but we are not aware that
she struck out any particular novelty in the character, and with
MESSRS. ANDERSON, WALTER LACY, R. ROXRY, the good old comedy
Sensation, hot, strong, and plenty of it-sensation to chill the
heart and make the blood run down into the boots, can be obtained by
a visit to Sadler's Wells. Baccarat, or the KInave of Hearts, is the title
of a drama produced at that theatre, and certainly if striking scenes
and genuine melodramatic acting can contribute to success the
present piece deserves it. The play is a translation from the French,
which, even if not acknowledged, would be at once obvious, as it
is of the regular Porte St. Martin school. However, it is an excellent
adaptation, and gives Miss MAnRIOTT a capital part as the heroine, a
Traviata with gambling propensities, who from her constant success
at Baccarat has obtained that nickname. MEssRs. EOUORGE MELVILLE
and T. MEAD also have powerful parts as the two villains in chief,
which they make the most of. To detail the whole plot, however,
would take up more space than we can well spare, and any of our
readers who wish to know more about it cannot do better than take a
"journey due north," and find out for themselves.
A farce, entitled An Ample Apology, was brought out last week at
the Princess's, and certainly, in a negative point of view, the author
may be congratulated, for he has produced, without exception, one of
the finest specimens of stupidity and vulgarity, mixed in equal propor-
tions, that it has ever been our fortune to see. Without plot or
humour, to say nothing of wit, in its way it is a chef d'ceutrc. We
never did, and hope we never shall, look upon its like again.
If imitation is the surest flattery, MR. FEC1TER ought to be very
much pleased with the appreciation of his play of The Roadside Inn
displayed by the management of the Standard Theatre, for a piece
has been produced there with the not very differing title of
The Assassins of the Roodside Inn, and containing in the third act
scenic effects adapted to the denizens of the far cast. It was a great
success, but then the audience in "them parts" appreciate any
drama, provided the seasoning be hot enough. Theatrical cayenne is
their diet, and nothing else agrees with them.
The Monday Popular Concerts still continue, and, if we may judge
by the crowded condition of the hall on each occasion, they find no
little favour with the public. A great deal of their popularity is
naturally due to the excellence of the musical fare provided as well as
to the real goodness both of the vocal and instrumental performers.
While on musical matters we ought not to omit mention of the
National Choral Society, which, under the leadership of Mai. G. W.
MARTIN, bids fair ere long to prove a rival to the old-established
Sacred Harmonic. MENDELSSOHN'S Lobgesang and RossINI's Stabat
lMater were performed by this society last week in a way that really
astonished all who heard it. True, the inimitable precision of Ma.
CosTA's chorus was, to a certain extent, wanting ; but this was almost

atoned for by the freshness and melody of the voices comprising the
younger society. The solo singers were Miss L. PyrN, Miss PALAII,
M1ESSRS. WILBYE COOPER, LEWIS THOMAs, and, curious to relate,
though our readers may perhaps doubt our veracity, Mi. SIMS REEVES
minproprid person, and no doctor's certificate in his stead.
Ere these lines are in the hands of our readers the much-talked of
loman in Mauve will have come out at the Haymarket, of which and
Ml. SOTHErm we shall have more to say next week.

THE AESTHETICS OF THE SHOP;
on,
LITERATURE OVER THE COUNTER.
BIMMEL'S BOOK OF PERFU1IES.
MR. RIMMEL is the apostle of smell-the high priest of odoriferous
inhalements-the god, goddess, and all, the junior godlings of pleasant
essences rolled into one. What more natural than that he should
write a book about all this ? Indeed, wasn't it imperative ? There's
nothing like something nice to sniff. We believe XAiNEAS loved his
mother at such a pace only because she smelt jolly; and we know for a
fact that BIrrixs couldn't pay his addresses to SELINA unless she
smelt strongly of bear's grease and honeysuckle-a combination which
would probably drive our author mad, but which charmeth the sens,.s
of the vulgar Binrixs. Our author's object is to educate the national
nose. Now, as we showed in some recent papers, everybody hasn't got
a nose. Some noses are untractable, others turn about in such erratic
fashion that it is difficult to find out where their bump of intelligence
lieth. But QuixoTE-like RIMMEL charges cvQrything which to his
imagination appeareth nasal. The effect is brilliant. Yet we despair of
the ultimate success of his educational scheme. Some men and women
prefer bad smells to good smells. Not only does a rose smell as sweet
if called a city sewer, but a city sewer smells as bad if called a cal-
ceolaria or rhododendron (which plants may or may not give forth
odours), and vice rersd, and versd cice, and visd oeree, and rird case.
But as far as he goes Mit. RIMM.EL is quite the cheese. If he can
educate the Board of Works in the art of perfumery, and teach Father
Thames to look in at the Strand occasionally where the said Ri irr,
hangeth out, the said RIMiMEL will deserve a gold medal and a rosebud
at the Great Exhibition of A.D. 1,000,000, to come off in Hades.
MOSES'S PHILOSOrHY OF DRESS.
Few of our readers knew until now, probably, that there was philo-
sophy in a pair of bags. But let us premise. The MOSES now in
question is not the bulrush buffer, beloved of PHARAOH's daughter;
neither does the present MfosE go so low down in the scale of dress as
swaddling clothes and pinafores. Both these facts are matter for
regret. Had the original MOSES written on the philosophy of dress,
what a sensation there would have been in Cornhill and Paternoster-
row, not to mention Ave Maria-lane and Amon-corner. But as our
moiuton comes of a modern ba-ba, let us devour it as it is. Well,
Massns. MOSES have proved there's philosophy in dress. Why the
divil, however, didn't they take a short cut to the goal and hang a
garment outside their shop with TuPPER's Pirorerbial in one of the
pockets ? This won't do. The ingenious Israelites must write a book.
The reader may be anxious, then, to know what sort of philosophy lives
in a flannel waistcoat-what sort of philosophy lingers in the gaiters of
an elderly farmer, and how that philosophy is depicted which floats in
any form about the stays, chemisettes, and various unmentionable
paraphernalia constituting that mysterious concoction called a lady's
dress. Go to MosES. lie may be curious, too, to know whether a
different species of philosophy belongs to a cravat which ties and a
collar which buttons. Heroin alone we can detect philosophy. The
philosopher's stone lies, we are convinced, in the art of dress, and he
who discovereth a mode of button and buttonhole which doesn't make
a man use naughty expressions every time he has anything to do with
them, will be the greatest philosopher time has produced. Our
limits, however, won't allow us to do justice to our authors, but let us
all in future live in fear and trembling, knowing that if the spirit of
BANTING expands our waistcoats, the room for the growth of philosophy
will increase. Quakers, beware! Take in those broad brims, and furl
a reef in those baggy unmentionables. As for women-pity the fair,
oh, MOSES! Remember the daughter of the king. May AARON know
nothing of your book. If he do we are certain you will write
n-AAtoNo-other.

FASHIONABLE GOSSIP.
CRINOLINE is going out; so ladies' dresses will come in, in pro-
portion.

THE SHIRT or HArrINEss.-A bachelor's.
SMALL BEGINNINGS.-Baby BANTINGS.

VOL. VIII.

12 F

THE COMIC HISTORY OF JULIUS CAESAR.
HISTORICAL truth is very hard to arrive at. The historian often
knows very little of what he is writing about. Sometimes, too, he
cares less. He ought to be full of sublime ideas, like a man who goes
up in a balloon; yet he ought to be different from MB COXWa.L ; he
ou-ht to be more like a chimney-sweep, who, while he is getting up,
and up, and up, does not vex himself about the colour of his face, as
long as nobody throws dust in his eyes but himself.
In writing ancient history, what is the way to ascertain the truth?
One as good as any other is to take LIvy, and HERODOTUS, and
PLaTARCH, and toss up which to believe most of, and compile accord-
ing to the decision of the sixpence. HonBES, of Malmesbury, confirms
this idea when he writes, Oh, 'tis luck, 'tis luck, 'tis luck, that makes
the world go round." And if for a month of Sundays the Romans
wopped every one that came to the scratch with them, it was just
because they took the best way to win the toss, their tizzies, denaries,
or sesterces, or whatever else they called them, having all tails, and
never having a head on either side till this very C.1sAR ornamented
them with his own countenance, which brought bad luck to him and
to many who followed his example.
Many biographers fall into mistake by trying to raise their subject
to their own level, and attributing to them their own motives. So
Lxur AAnsuLLA SPARKLE has written that CaESAr. invaded this island
to get pearls, while MR. CooxE spells the jewels with an u, and sees in
his expedition the earliest recognition of the virtues of British gin and
beer; and he declares that this influence predominates even more now
than in CrsARsS lifetime, and that the mere knowledge that this was
the great Roman's favourite morning tipple, inspires both the cabmen
of St. Giles, and the sportsman, who, as the late Mn. HOOD wrote,
seeks his early purl, cub-hunting with Mi. JORROCK's celebrated pack.
What I have said sufficiently shows what I think of CaesAR-that he
was a good fellow, fond of his glass of grog, eminently safe to toss up
with, and after he got plenty of the Spanish, sure to pay; and that
those who put their knives into him were like the farmer's wife in the
fable, who killed the goose that could have gone on laying golden eggs
for some time longer. And as I shall hardly be able to make my book
long enough unless I begin with a good deal that has but little to do
with him, I will just set down something about Rome itself, as a kind
of post-face to this preface.

CHAPTER I.
There was a man named ROMULUS, whose father was 'said to have
been MARn, and whose mother's name, according to the same story,
was RHEA.. But this must be a mistake, for ma's cannot be pa's; and
as to his mother, it seems that she did not rear him at all, but that he
g rew of himself. 1TWhile he was growing he fell in love with a lady
named LeerA-from a Phoenician word, loot, or plunder-who acted
as a sort of nursery-governess to him, and taught him that the one
great rule of life was to take all he could get, and ask or answer no
questions; and so, collecting a band of the most celebrated cattle-
lifters, cracksmen, and fakers of the neighbourhood, he built a
town which he called Rome, because, as SnAKESPEARE tells us, there
was room in it for all they could get, or as NIEBUHa affirms-and
no doubt a neighbour had the best means of knowing the character
of him and his friends-because their room was better than their
company. As time wore on le tried to come it too strong over his
pals, and as, whenever he could not have it all his own way, he began
to cut up rough, one day that they got him by himself they cut him up
rough, and buried the pieces in a bog-just as Mn. GREEXAClE buried
Mtrs. B OaW--and came back and told those in the town that somebody
had carried him off in a flash of fire, just as the devil hopped off with
the gentleman who gave his wife arsenic in some sheep's head broth.
Then they made a human king, andafter him HUSTLEUS, HANGUS, and
two or three more, till they got tired of a lot of kings, not one of
whom had a shirt to his back, and resolved to go on a new system,
which they called a commonwealth, as a sort of joke, because they
were still uncommon poor. And as two heads are better than one,
they took it in turns to manage the affairs of the company in pairs,
the two who had the rule for the time being called consuls, because
they knew from experience what the stocks were.

"A Hit; a Palpable Hit! "
E observed the following curious passage in the TeCsperaine Star
a few days ago.

What we wish to learn is whether, when the strenuous THRASHEt
made a striking remark to Thursday evening, he knocked it into the
middle of next week ?

FIN.

[MARan 25, 1865.

A ROYAL JUVENILE GOSSIP.
His ROAL HIOnNEss PsISCE ARTHIe, attended by IAJORn ELPrINSTONE,
arrived at Patis, by railway, on Friday afternoon, and in the afternoon his Royal
Highness drove to the Tuileries to pay a visit to the Prince Imperial."
ScENE.-TThe 1Dilries. Present.-ARTnHU and NAP., junior.
PRINCE ARTHUR.-Well, young 'un, how d'ye like being a Prince
Imperial ?
NAP., junior-(whom we will assume to be capable of speaking English
tolerably).-Oh! jolly! How d'you feel ?
ARTHUR.-I! oh, Englishmen are always all right. But how d'you
feel now that your guv'nor's written that book there's such a row
NAP., junior.-What book ?
ARTHUn.-Oh! raking up that fusty old bore, JULIus OmsAn.
NAP., junior.-Oh, yes, to be sure. I told the guv'nor that he was
making an ass of himself in descending to such trumpery. But you
know what guv'nors are-especially if they happen to be Emperors.
AnTHUR.-No; that's the worst of it. Butwhy didn't your mother
put an extinguishment on him ?
NAP., junior.-Oh, she never read Ccesar, and can't feel what it is to
have him exhumed and rammed down your throat--Crambe recocta, &c.,
you know, &e.
A.RTnux.-I've seriously thought of writing a history of WALKING-
euME, who wrote the school arithmetic. Old COLENso will be sure to
get immortalized by some literary successor to one of us fellows.
NAP., junior.-Who's COLENSO ?
ARTHUR.-A fellow who went out to Natal, caught a Zulu, who was
infectious, and COLENso brought the disease home to England, sent it
to the printer's, and brought down on him a lot of Ecclesiastical
vaccinators. Now they're bleeding him in the Privy Council.
NAP., junior.-But I s'pose you'd like a copy of the governor's book
-just to line your trunk with, and to be a la mode.
ARTnuR.-All right. Look alive, as I'm off. That slow old coach,
CowLma, is waiting for me at the Embassy, and he'll think I'm lost,
or devoured by the people of Republican France.
NAP., junior (returning).-Here you are-the guv'nor's fist's on the
covers.
ARTnun.-Tell him I shall read it when I have leisure, and send
him my opinion. Good-bye, NAP.
[Retreats, thinking NAP., junior, a much more sensible fellow than his
governor, and on reaching the Embassy buries the Life of Ceesar far out of
view, like a sensible young fellow.]

A REAL "CURIO."
WHO has not heard of the wonderful MARQUIS DE BOIssT ? Who
has not heard of that extraordinary senator whose speeches do so
much to enliven the well-drilled tedium of the French Upper House ?
WVhat WHALLEY is to the House of Commons, that is BOIssY to the
Senate in France. Such being the case, and the man himself a
natural curiosity, we have thought it right, for the information of our
readers, to draw up in a short but comprehensive catalogue the precise
opinions entertained by this Gallic rara avis of things in general and
himself in particular, gathered from a careful study of his published
speeches.
1. That the greatest Frenchman in Paris, and consequently in the
world, after the EMPEiRO, is M. LE MARQUIS DE BOISSY. N.B. This
is quite incontrovertible.
2. That England is a land of assassins and cutthroats, where the sun
never shines, and which it would be well for France to declare war
against and blot out from among the list of nations so soon as con-
veniently may be.
3. That the MARQUIS DE BOISSY is an object of intense fear and
hatred on the English side of the Channel, which is vainly sought to
be disguised by an affectation of ridicule.
4. That the MARQUIS DE BOISsy is the only man in France who
really understands and comprehends the real state of France, and that
the present advisers of the EMPEmos are nothing but a sort of selfish
flatterers, who seek their own advantage rather than the real welfare i
of the country.
5. That VICTro EMMANUEL is a brigand and the enemy of religion;
the only true friend of Italy being the POPE and the ex-KING OF
NAPLES.
6. That the Italian Convention of September is a delusion and
snare, utterly impracticable, and ruinous to all concerned if carried out.
7. That all who dissent from the above opinions are either knaves
or fools, principally both.

AN EXTRACT FROM "PASSAGES OF A WORKcING LrE."-An old
tooth.

MA&oH 25, 1865.] ;

FU N.

SIGNING THE PLEDGE.
Not BY A MEMBER OF THE NATIONAL TEMPERANcE LEAGUE.
To use an oft quoted expression,
Which fortune had thrown in my way
(Da. JoHNsoN, I fancy, first used it),
I am fashioned of "bibulous clay; "
I've a weakness for brown nutty sherry,
And brandy, provided 'tis pale;
If I fainted, you soon might restore me
By breathing these words, bitter ale !"
To my chambers, in foggy November,
' Dropped in a few men of our set;"
There was aristocratical brandy,
And the humble, but dear heavy wet."
The spirits perceptibly vanished,
And so did a box of cheroots ;
While, of course, it was to save the unlacing,
That I slept in my Balmoral boots.
When I rose the next morning, my temples
Were aching as if they would burst,
And somehow my poor epiglottis
Was parched with a terrible thirst.
Enters JOHNSoN : quoth he, My dear fellow,
Last night you were drunk as a hedge;
Now take the advice of a real friend,
And at once sign the temperance pledge.
"Oh! knock in the heads of the barrels
That bear labels of ALLSOPP and BASS ;
Those decanters of richly cut glass ;
Your porter must foam in the gutter;
Uncork all your hock and tokay;
In fact, throw the lot from the window,
But see nobody's head's in the way."
The herring-that fish penitential-
Reposed undisturbed in my plate,
And a bottle (just emptied) of soda
Told my stomach's disorganized state;
And I answered, You're very kind, JonsoN ;
If I really was drunk as a hedge,
I shall have great pleasure in adding
My name to the temperance pledge.
"But first, if you'll kindly allow me,
I'll bid all the barrels good-bye; "
And here, from my grief-tortured bosom,
There burst forth a terrible sigh ;
And I ventured my way to the cellar,
And JoHNsoN came close in the rear;
Thus we journeyed below to do battle
"Good-bye!" I exclaimed, "all ye barrels,
Companions in weal and in woe;
No more from your taps, silver-plated,
Shall BAss's pale amber stream flow.
No more shall JEMIMA draw from you
Full tankards-though bibulous friends
With thirst may be parched-for pure water
Is the drink which the pledge recommends.
"Farewell, all ye flasks of Geneva,
And bottles of pine-apple rum;
Farewell, all my highly prized whiskies,
Which illicit from Erin have come ;
Farewell to you, prime London mixing,
Dear to me, though disdained by each swell."
Then I thought what a sum they had cost me,
And scarce dared to bid them farewell.
While the floor of my cellar was flooding
With torrents of ALLSOPP and BAss, *
On the shelf, at my side, stood a tumbler,
And I quietly filled up a glass.
As I turned off the taps, said I, JOHNsONy,
I don't think I was drunk as a hedge;
Yet your motives are good, so I'll e'en drink
Success to the temperance pledge."
Oh! JOHNSONs (I know there are plenty
Like my old friend, and equally kind),
When the ranks of Cold Water Alliance
You would swell, bear one precept in mind:

Though your patient be screwed over night, don't call
(Be he JOHn BULL, or PATRICK, or SANDYY,
Unless you are sure that he has not yet had
A tumbler of soda and brandy.

TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHER AT IIiE PUBS.
THEnE have been two pretty little scandals of late. First of all, the
DUKE or WELLINGTON has been going to law with poor LoRD ROnEIRT
MONTAGU, who really ought to be pitied, because he is not always ac-
countable for what he does. In any other being than LORD BOB M. it
would be a brutally indelicat% act to hawk about private letters ad-
dressed by great men to the Sparrow. (N.B.-Not LESLIA'S Sparrow.
I mention this for the sake of literary gentlemen who like to make
classical allusions, but, unhappily, don't know anything about classics.)
Row number two, though last, far from least, is the expos of the
BETsHELL-EDMUNDS scandal, as it is called. It is to be remembered
that we have only heard one side as yet-and a good deal of it, for the
Lord Chancellor is as well hated as most men, and every man-no, I
mean every lord-in the House of Peers is afraid to meet him in
debate; and so each is prepared to give him a stab in the back when
the opportunity arrives. For my part, I don't blame him for doing
what everybody else does, or ought to do-providing for his family. Sup-
posing his relatives are capable of performing the duties of the various
appointments-and it has yet to be proved that they are not-ho is
quite right to look after their welfare; and if, in his efforts to reform
the law, it chances that posts are created, so much the better for them,
and none the worse for him.
I THINK I would have given my head-which is about all I am worth,
and of value to the owner, if to nobody else (because, likean acrobat, I
support myself upon it)-to hear the Lord Chancellor-well, shut up "
is the only word for it-the MARQUIS or BATH, who imputed to him
expressions he had not used, and then, having been corrected on that
point, said he "understood so and so. Thereupon the bland BETHELL,
with his quiet, deliberate voice, picked out the following sugar-plum
words with great calmness, delivering each like a mine bullet wrapt
in silver paper and shot from an air gun:-" I really cannot be held
accountable for what the noble lord understands." I think if I'd boon
the Marquis I should have gone at once to my own place and got my
I WENT to see the Tories defeated on the Malt Tax motion. It was
not for want of uproar that they lost the day. The country gentlemen
who crowd the Tory benches bring the experienco-and sometimes the
manners-of the hunting field into the House, and when it comes to a
cheer the Whigs can't touch the accomplished tallyho-ers. If the
greater number of the Conservatives can't talk they can holloa, at all
events; and, upon my word, I think their shouts arc quite as intel-
ligible as their speeches. We shall hear more of this party dodge
again. The Tories find it works well, and the country bumpkins, who
nearly asphyxiated Ma. GLADSTONE in his own room, are savage with
him, and say he was barley" civil.
CAN a POPE pass through the Bankruptcy Court ? The present
reverent gentleman is getting into difficulties. His deficit this year is
five million and a half scudi-a million more than last year. This
can't go on for ever; and how will it end ? I shall never be surprised
to see a report:-
"Ix Re Pio NoNo.
"The bankrupt, who was described as now of Bream's-buildings,
late of the Vatican, ascribed his insolvency to the misconduct of a friend
An adjournment was ordered, for a completion of the balance-sheet.
The opposing creditor was an Italian, V. EMMANUEL, who alleged that
all the capital possessed by the bankrupt was in reality his."
Apropos of bankruptcy, how much more generous is the course adopted
by the Postmaster-General than that pursued at other Government
offices with regard to embarrassed clerks. A recent case, in which two
money-lenders were defeated by a post-office clerk, assisted by the
Postmaster-General, will clear that office of the harpies who invest all
Government offices. Let us hope the other departments will follow so
good an example, and begin the cleansing of the Augean stables of
state by a clean sweep of the Jew bill-discounters.
THE spirits after a little time (just enough to devise a plan in) pro-
fess to be able to beat the Tom Fool's knot. But the untying is done
when both brothers are in the cabinet. Tom Fool would be Tom Fool
indeed if he did not know of "trick seats," and that though one
brother can't untie himself under the circumstances, lie can get out by
the help of his mutual friend." Jugglers such as these are like
tortoises-the lower organizations are very tenacious of life.

AN IMPERIAL SELL.-History of Julius Ciesar.

14 1,1 N.[MARIn 25, 1865

RATHER SATIRICAL.
Charles (who has had the full pleasure of hear.ny little Toc'd'ek ns praised for his good looks, and hav,'nj an aversion for such twaddle, expresses
himself) :-"BUT THEY SAY THAT PRETTY BABIES GROW UP TO 1E VERY PLAIN LOOKING."
Georgina (laughing):-" TnHE WHAT A PRETTY CHILD YOU MUST HAVE BEEN, CHARLES!

The Northern Farmer's Opinion on the Malt Tax.
BEING AN ADAPTATION or Mat. TENN'YSONc'S POEM TO THE PRESENT
CONDITION OF THIS YEXED QUESTION.
BRTNo me mi yaalo, I tell 'e; d'ye think oi cares for th' tax ?P
Yet oi du, for th' sake o' th' coves who scarcely gets rituals and
drink;
But zooner oi'd doi than oi'd supplicate favour, or ax
For aught fra th' Exchequer what I could na get-I shud think !
SmR FITZnROY' a bonny old cock, and her knows when th' wind's in th'
east;
And a nod's much as good as a wink, and her vara wool knowed
That her could na get malt any cheaper fur man or fur beast;
And her knowed half a century since that the Treasury'd see 'em all
blowed
'Fore it give 'em reduction on malt; for there's coves who belave
That yaale isn't gudo fur a mon-oi'd tache 'em a different tale
Was I in th' Parlimint House! Ahli wudna I buzz in their ear
When I'd tuk mi morning's refreshment-a pot o' strong yaale !
I'd tache 'om it's crime past consavin' to chate a poor mon o' his beer!
But when I looks out on th' lend, and thinks on the acres as lies
Untrod bi th' ox or th' hoss, where once barley growed high,
Oi stretches my hond o'or the lond, and lifts up my eyes,
And oe prays that some sinse may come yet, ere we hears the cry
That taxin' th' people wunt do when it stops the home-brew,
And th' lab'ror is sweatin' a-field for the want o' his beer;
But th' squires canna tell what it is, with their cellars o' "dew,"
As they can's it, and when the poor man hollas out they wunt hear.
Drat legislation, says oi, it dun't do a ha'porth o' good,
'Cept some great hobby-hoss chaps claps on spurs and th' whip;
No Parlimint cares vor the poor, or 'ou they gets their food, [t'zip.
Zo long as th'solves, at the clubs, gets their hundred year post for

Bring me mi yaale, oi tell 'e ; oi feel thorough zick at mi heart,
When oi hears o' great folks gittin rich, and a-feedin' their sons
Wi' th' taxes we pays on our beer-payin' summat like sixpence a
quart.
Ah! drat it! come, bring me mi yaale, oi'll drink while the merry-
brown runs.
For gin we must pay, we must pay, there ends th' whole of th' tale-
Gin we must pay, we must pay-here, come bring me mi yaale.

Morning Call.
MRS. and Miss FITZ Pmrrs looking out of parlour window.
Mrss F. P. (to her mnamma).-La! there is that horrid MRS. SNOOZLES
at the door.
Mlis. F. P.-What a nuisance! If there is one woman I detest
more than another it is MRS. SNoozLES. We shall have her hero half
an hour, with her rheumatic complaint.
Enter MRS. SN OZLES.
MRS. and Miss F. P. (both exclaiminq).-My dear MARS. SNooZLES,
how glad we are to see you. We were just talking of you and hoping
you would call soon.
Mas. S.-Thank you, I am very well, with the exception of my old
complaint, the rheumatism.
MaRS. F. P.-Indeed I pity you, for I know you never complain
without a cause.
(Desultory conversation respecting the weather, small-pox, and hatching
of chickens in Dutch ovens, including a bursting lunch of a glass of sherry
and a sponge biscuit.) [Exit MaRS. S.
MaRS. and Miss F. P. (exclaiming).-How glad I am the horrid old
cat has gone! What a time she always stops, and invariably takes
something to eat and drink.

F U iN.-MAAHR 25, 1865.

THE MALT TAX,
IEALoaded Party:-" I SAY, GLADSTONE, CARRY THIS FOR US, OLD FELLOW; IT'S AWFULLY
IT HEAVY."
Gladstone -"IT IS, MY FRIEND; BUT FAITH! THAT'S THE VERY REASON I'D RATHER LEAVE
IT ALONE."

MARCH 18, 1865.]

PFU

fun in arliament.

HOUSE OF LORDS.-MoNDAY, MAblm 13.
EARL STANHOPE, on behalf of the Trustees of the British MRuseum,
said that as the Government had promised to do something for them
in the way of extra space, he would not bully them for it, but would
bide his time the while they laid their heads together in order to con-
struct a new building. The construction they have in view is stated
to be principally composed of wood. Shade of SYDNEY SMITH forgive
us for appropriating thy well-known criticism, but it does for all time
and all noodles.
The FAMILY PROVIDER TO THE HOUSE OF BETHELL having found
that another of his lame little bills was not thought much of, withdrew
it in favour of a substitute, which he trusted would be more acceptable.
The F. P. is on his best behaviour just now ; it's very necessary; the
keeper of the QUEEN'S conscience is rather in a bad way in the matter
of public opinion. However the verdict may go-for the F. P. is on his
trial-we are inclined to doubt if the F. P. will have the face to bag any
more pickings. By the way, is it because HER MAJESTY'S conscience
is so ample that its keeper, so called, does not find it necessary to keep
any of his own ?
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Ma. V. SCULLY, having asked a question, ostensibly relative to the
abduction of MARY RYAN, but in reality for the purpose of indulging'
in a crow touching the success of such abduction, was told by SIm
GEORGE GREY that SCULLav'S friends had most certainly laid them-
selves open to prosecution; but, for all that, he (Sin GEORGE GREY)
didn't mean to interfere. Of course not; who ever looked for aught
save cowardly incompetence from the Prince of Incapables ? And
then, you see, GREY knows when to throw a sop to the MAGun:r s and
the SCuLLYS. The Government can't afford to do their duty; so, after
all, we mustn't be too hard.
Mn. LEFrOY asked if anything was to be done for Naval Chaplains,
those special victims of red tape and official impertinence. IME.
CHILDEns-there's some mistake here; the gentleman's name has one
syllable too much-gave the only answer which an underling is
a" owed to give-the matter was "under consideration."
AIR. HUTT gave a manly and straightforward answer to MIa.
ROEBUCK, who, with reference to an appointment at Chelsea Hospital,
had, in common with many other better men, it must be admitted,
been carried into a mare's nest by some blackguards, supposed to be
in the public service, who had committed a forgery. By the way, the
beautiful practice of writing letters for other people without their
consent or knowledge has been liberally followed of late. MAJOR
TEASDALE and two or two or three others hmave had to protest against this
most scampish invention.
ME. S. FITZGERALD, in a calm, dispassionate, and statesmanlike
speech, reviewed the Defences of Canada. He appealed to the
Government that they should ensure Canada against aggression by
strengthening her hands, not leaving her as a source of temptation,
but keeping her safe by keeping her strong. Mn. W. E. FORSTER was
soon got into the old drawl, "Dear, dear, what's all this fuss about ?
thing's ridiculous! Lauk-a-daisy deary me! :Why they wouldn't
think of it!" In fact, the old cackle of the Peaceful Geese. Mn.
CARDWELL spoke as he was ordered; but it looked as if he would have
liked to say more, for he did seem to remember that he was an
Englishman. MI. DISRAELI, avoiding the snarl, followed in a speech
of incisive, terse reasoning, which showed a masterly acquaintance
with the subject. Ma. Low: advised us to remove all our troops from
Canada, so as not to offend the Udued States. MA. LowE was safe in
the House of Commons; in private society he would most probably
have been simply desired to take himself off, with the alternative of
a small kick in case of refusal. But who cares for the words of LowE
after a certain neat little expose. Mn. WHITE, as befitted him, viewed
the question as one of money-grubbing. He is only a Protectionist
on that platform. The Protection of Honour! Of what earthly use
is it to talk about such rubbish to WTITES and BsoGHTS, and
LowEs and FORSTERS. LORD ROBERT CECIL supplied another instance
of his sterling ability, and MR. BRIGHT another instance of his dislike
of the country which gave him birth. We needed not to be told of
MR. BRIGHT that he hated Rule, Britannia." Poor man! how is it
possible he could do otherwise ? PAM summed up the debate some-
thing after a former style when the old lion had not taken up
with mokes.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TuEsDAY.
The MAQneUs or WESTMEATH, on the abduction of MARY RTYAN,
insisted that Sim GEORGE GREY had disgraced himself. True, but it's
SIn GEORGE GREY'S mission to disgrace himself; he can't help it.
The EARL OF THE FLABBY MIND stated that he agreed with the ignoble
GREY; of course, natural enough.

N. 7

HOUSE OF COMMONS.
A long discussion on the claim of PRINCE AZEEM,-JAII to the title of
Nawab of the Carnatic. SIR FITZROY, in a speech of convincing
argument, proved that we had behaved scandalously to the unfortu-
nate AZEEM. MR. SMOLLETT seconded the motion in a fashion that
made that ministerial dummy, Sin C. Woon, very uncomfortable.
WOOD'S name was punned upon by S.iMOLLETT. Not that SMOLLETT
deserves kudos for that; who could miss the harmony between the
name and the mind ? The Solicitor-General scrubbed hard to wash
the blackamoor white, but we were unable to observe any improvement
on the original grime. Towards the end of the debate the WOOD
opened its mouth and let fall some sawdust, and shortly afterwards
dishonesty won by 53 to 38.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.-WEDNESDAY.
Six C. O'LOGHLeN tried his hand as a legal reformer. With the
exception of a very just clause, which proposed to do away with the
barbarism of starving juries into a verdict; the bill was as stupid as
it well could be, and so died miserably.
HOUSE OF LORDS.-TsuRSDAY.
LORD CIHELMSFORD moved second reading of that very excellent bill
on Felonr and Misdemeanour, which had been sent up from the Com-
mons. LORD CPAN'WORTnI grumbled, but did nothing more, simply
because it was of no use. The bill is too good to be affected by the
croaks of CRANWORTH.
LORD STRATFORD DE REDCLIPFE, that very wide-awake and far-seeing
concerning the boundary between Turkey and Peosia, and whether the
official map of the frontier was ready. The EARL OF THE FLAlBBlY
MIND was understood to say," etc., etc. We don't repeat what lie
said, because it's of little consequence. We merely refer to the subject
in order to state that FLABBY MIND mumbled as is his wont.
HOUSE OF COMMONS.
Concerning the claims of AZEEMr-JAH, it turns out that many of the
petitions in his favour were disgTaced by forged signatures. We
question very much whether a thoroughly genuine petition was ever
presented to the House, but every now and then an instance occurs
so scandalous in largeness of lying that the rascals are caught, and
should be trounced handsomely. Very hard upon presenting members
that they should stand sponsors to dishonesty, to say nothing of the
insult and injury which it casts at a good cause.
Mn. HODGKINSON threatening a question about the ugly EDMUNDS
affair. MR. NEATE declaring that lie would be down upon the monas-
teries.
MR. D. GRIFFITHS having asked if it were true that Mn. JUSTICE I
MoNAHANs had, from the bench, taken upon himself to act the partisan
and to declare that there had been injustice to those of his own faith,
SiR R. PEEL plainly proved that MRi. MONAHAN had no business nor
tittle of right to make the observations he had. Amid loud cries of
"Hear, hear," S R11. PEEL snubbed Mn. MONAHANx pretty severely.
Sin W. GALLWEY having inquired of Mu. M. Ginsox whether any-
thing would be done for the better safety of railway passengers, was
answered that GIBSON "sympathized," but was unable to promise more.
GiBsoN's sympathy what price will it fetch ?
Mu. TREHERNE, with feeling judgment and ability, brought forward
the claims of the ssul'ering Coventry weavers. MR. M. GIBson again
gave his "sympathy." MB. NEWDEGATE showed how we had been
jockeyed in the French commercial treaty, and MR. BENTINCs showed
up the humbugs calling themselves free traders, whose only notion of
the principle is how it may line their pockets.

A BUCK WITH SHARP HORNS.
MR. RorEBucK advocates utter extermination of the recalcitrant
New Zealanders. Well, well, let us not be too severe upon him; as
member for Sheffield we naturally expect him to be hard like the
ware of his constituents. By constant association with cutlers he
has contracted a liking for the commodities they sell, and thinks a
knife or a bayonet the best possible cure for all the ills to which an
uncivilized body politic is heir. Perhaps we wrong him, and, after
all, he may be a friend of progress and improvement, since it is quito
certain he would like to see the New Zealanders improved-off the
face of creation.

PITY IS AKIN TO LOVE.
THE KING OF ITALY, while present at a fete at the Pitti Palace,
ob served that the family portraits had been removed, and immediately
ordered them to be replaced. These are the only political opponents
he has ever ordered to be hung, and this act of justice should gain for
hi m the love to which the Pitti ought to be akin.

a -

is F1

I

TIN

[MARCH 25, 1865.

Caution to Seamen Suffering from Corns.
STICK TO THE C, OR THEY'LL TURN INTO ORLS.
Where are see nwu', my countrymen ? "
OWEVER, we certainly did make
this exclamation on perusing the
following letter, and really, for
'I .' some moments, absolutelydoubted
the evidence of our own senses.
In the whole course of our literary
-. ,- experience we never met with a
More flagrant outrage on-- but
j indignation completely chokes
our editorial throat; vengeful
.'.. emotion shakes our editorial hand,
S" and we must content ourselves
with laying the document before
7 on the proper course to pursue
."- to prevent the recurrence of a
similar affront.
S GUV'NOIt AND HIIEDITOR,-
Hero's what I read in my weekly
paper, a sitting on my box, last
Sunday afternoon :-" The cab-
.! men of Paris have now a news-
paper to represent their interests.
It is entitled I' Union des Cochers,
scribing coachmen, who may be
summoned for an overcharge,
will be provided with an advocate
to plead his cause, for the small
sum of one penny." "And
very proper too," I told the boys at cur club next day. "Not that I
believe m penny lawyers any more than I do in penny 'buses; but
the fact is, gentlemen," says I, "we ain't properly represented in the
litoorary world. Bat," says I, "if we're a going' to fuller the French lead
in this, as we do in other things, I must stick out for one point-let the
noospaper be hedited by a man who's been in that line before; but the
harticlos must be written solely by members of our profession."
Now, you may turn up your blessed old nose at what I'm saying,
but there's a precious sight more litoorary taste in our profession than
perhaps you've any idea of. Do you suppose that no poetic thoughts
steal through the cabby's mind, as he sits a winkin' at the moon, or a
whistling in the wind ? As he sits upon his solitary perch through the
weary hours of night, then's when he poetizes, unless he happens to be
tight. You see it comes quite natural to me, and some of the most
beautiful verses I ever listened to, about the moon, and cats, and
Peelers, was made by men in our profession. This is what I composed
myself, after losing as tidy a bit of horseflesh as was to be found in
the three kingdoms (though, blow me, if I know what three kingdoms
I do mean). But she was sich a stepper:-
Where is my beauteous Bossy gone ?
The pride of all her race ;
A stauncher hack ne'er swallowed corn,
Nor better went the pace.
What's the good askin' where she's gone,
When I took her to the knacker;
But thinking' of it puts me hoff
My feed, my beer, my baccer.
For catching' trains in 'arf 'our, or less,
From the bridge to Euston station,
There's not a mare'd compare with Bess
In the whole blessed British nation.
I never 'ad to 'old 'er hup,
A going down the 'ills ;
I never 'ad, whiles I druv 'er,
No more nor two bad spills.
And those two times, I must confess,
And make my conscience easy,
Though I swore in Court 'twas the fault of Boss,
I iwas a trifle breezy."
Oh, Bess, thou tidiest creature
That o'er rejoiced mine eye!
I 'ope I haven'tt eat ycr
In a weal or sausage pie.
Ain't there something awful affection' about them last lines, guvnor P
I never says 'em over without the tears a coming in my eyes. 'Ere's
the hepitath I composed on myself, in case I gets run into by a

NAUTICAL Mol tI'INLG.-Sea-weeds.

*.

Hansom and killed, which my old woman says she's dreamed about
three nights running, and says is safe to 'appen unless I take the
pledge. But I ain't a goin' to take no pledges, except them T popped
at my uncle's, which I intend to get back as soon as I've paid for my
new hoss. As long as I'm a night-cab I'm a goin' to 'ave a night-cap.
Ha! ha! D'ye twig that, old cock ? I believe it's the custom of you
literary birds to ax pardon when you make a pun; though I'm sure I
don't know why, except you're afraid of 'em being overlooked. Well,
this is what JIM, the waterman, has promised to have put on my
tombstone in case I die afore dim:-
Here lies the bones of a poor old cabby,
Who never did anything, he knows on, right down shabby.
Here lieth one, who never lied before,
Except about the distance, or time he'd waited at a door.
He was knocked off his blessed perch,
When he thought hisseolf as safe as any church.
But now he's bid adieu to every mortal care.
Peace to his bones! Sweet Spirit, 'car my prayer!
Now, perhaps, you'll say I see that in a book. I'll take my dying
davy I didn't. It came sort of spontaneous like, like the bots in
hosses. I suppose you think that nobody can make conyhumdrums
but yourself. Why, they come as heasy to me as flicking flies off a
hoss. Look here-When's a ooman like a hoss ? D'ye give it up, old
boy ? Why, when she's an 'ag. What is the difference between this
jerked meat stuff, at thrippence a pound, and DONATER? One is salt
beef, t'other a saltator. You see, I can pitch the foreign lingo. I ain't
been reading Lloyd's and the London Journal for ten year for nothing .
Now I'll just give yer one more for a winder up, as I'm just on the
stand now, and intends to post this the next job 1 gets:-What is the
difference between your blessed old nose and the Hencyclical ? Why,
one be blown, and the other be blowed. There's my sentiments ; and
begging you'll present my dootiful consideration to the ladies, I must
now take leave, and subscribe myself,
Your affectionate Critic and future contemporary,
WILL WHEELER.
We will append the rascal's number, which we took down the last
time we had the misfortune to employ him. It is 89,654, but we
believe he generally sports a false one. Let our readers beware of him,
or they will find him (we speak from experience) as presumptuous in his
charges as he is in his literary attainments. To presume to speak of
our editorial nose in such familiar terms! We sincerely hope that
some of our numerous readers, of the sporting fraternity, will tap the
coxcomb's claret the very first opportunity that presents itself.

The Workman's Train.
A SHILLING a week, and to and fro
Daily from home to work we go;
Daily from work to home again,
Twopence a day costs The Workman's Train."
What does that twopence provide, beside
A cosy scat and a speedy ride ?
A healthy home in the fine fresh air,
Both lives and limbs we save by the fare.
What do we get for that shilling a week ?
Roses to grow on our children's cheek;
The chance of a lodging with comfort in,
From twopennorth of rail, not twopennorth of gin.
What will that twopence a day repay ?
Why, hundreds per cent. in every way;
Adding millions a year to the nation's wealth,
In the best of all forms-in its workmen's health.

Coaled-Coaled, my Girl !"
ALTHOUGH the session is in full swing, another fly in amber, as the
O'DoNOGHiE or any other Irishman would call a frog in stone, has
A female frog was the other day discovered, firmly imbedded in a large block
of stone, at LADy Lux's quarries, Worksop, occupied by M n. J. ELLIS. She has
been confined no less than 2,000 years-so at least the savans of Worksop
calculate."
Is this the mother without whose permission the traditional frog
went a-wooing ? If so, she must have long survived not only her son,
but her husband, in which case this would be a new edition of Lady
Lee's Widowhood," with lithographic illustrations.

MARCH 25, 1865.] FU N.J N 19

LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN.
No. 16.-THE COUNTRY MEMBER.
SoME are born with brains and some are born with acres. But a
the cultivation of acres is easier and more profitable than that of brains
we are inclined to congratulate those of our young students who ar,
the owners of land. Land is in fact money, and money is proverbial,
"the coign of vantage."
But land and money have their duties as well as their privileges
and the wealthy lord of paternal acres must consent to become tha
noble creature, a country member, or he may perchance leave a sea
which he might secure to his party vacant for some rabid Radical wh(
considers every man is entitled to no more and no less than six feet o:
clay, and who has not the sense to perceive that the lower classes wern
only invented to serve and admire the upper.
Our young student must, therefore, begin at an early age to qualify
himself for the duties of a legislator.
He will find hunting an excellent preparation for the House o:
Parliament. In that splendid assembly he will have in the interests
of his party to do occasionally what may be very distasteful to him
By an early study of the pleasures of the hunting field he will learn
in time to "get over anything." In that splendid assembly he may
at some time or other be placed in a position which may offend his
constituency. By an early study of the pleasures of the hunting field
he may acquire the power of retaining his seat." In that splendid
assembly he will become acquainted with the offices of a whipper-in.
By an early study of the pleasures of the hunting field he may learn to
obey orders, and even in time be enabled to hunt the hounds a little
himself. But perhaps of all things which he will learn in the hunting
field there is nothing so useful as the knack of giving a cheer. In
a grave and deliberative assemblage like the House of Commons
Yoicks is a splendid argument for a country member, and Tally-
Of course a country gentleman must know a little of farming, and a
few hours spent daily in the farm-yard will go far to make him a
legislator, if he employs his time properly. Nothing can give point to
an epigram like a little judicious imitation of natural sounds. We
have known instances in which an opponent has been silenced by a
lifelike rendering of Cockadoodledoo!" The bray of an ass the
young country member would be able to achieve without any difficulty,
but as he is seldom called on to speak it is an unnecessary accomplish-
ment.
The country member is seldom called on to speak, because being
naturally of a simple-very simple-nature, he runs the risk of blurting
out the truth, which would injure that idol of his affections the Agri-
cultural Interest, or the aims of his party. Advocacy is better left to
the practised leaders of debate, who, having no sincerity, are not likely
to commit themselves to indiscreet admissions.
The only duties, therefore, of a country member are to have a good
seat, a loud voice, as few brains as he can conveniently contrive, and
an aptitude for the imitation of natural sounds. He should, being a
sort of wet nurse to his party, be healthy and possess a sound constitu-
tion, which he must improve by bodily exercise during vacation. By
this means he will be able to stand prolonged sittings, and possess
stamina and determination to keep the House up late, which is sure to
tell on the men with brains, and perhaps kill off a few of them. It is
believed in some quarters that a good body of political-three-bottle
men who can sit up to any hours will be introduced after next election
to try and incapacitate the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and so aid the
malt tax movement.
By studying the precepts we have here laid down-very explicitly,
because we are writing for students who will eventually be country
members-any young man of average unintellectual and ample acres
may live to benefit his party and make himself a name. There is per-
haps-always provided we have the acres, and we want nothing more
-no more pleasant life than that of a country member, although from
the time of HoRACE he has always been a bit of a grumbler :
"0 fortunatos nimium sua si bona norint,
Agricolas." *

CARRIERS OR CANARDS?
A LIVEnrOOL paper, surprised at the early intelligence of American
affairs which reaches some of those on 'Change, hints at the employ-
ment of carrier pigeons. We should be inclined to believe the only
pigeons in the case to be those who allow themselves to be plucked on
the strength of so-called early information. The events are invented,
not discovered. In short, it is not information; it is intelligence, but not
of the sort to be transmitted by telegraph or in cipher.
We apologize for t:e Latin. For the benefit of young country members we
append a translation-
"If the agricultural interest
Knewhow much 'tis-'twould be too-blest."

ENGLAND AND INDIA.
THE toOND ELECTRIC.
WVnsp. the ten-streamed turbid Indus
Rolls its trouble down the coast-
Indus, eastern guard that vexid
ALEXANDER and 1is host-
Past Beloochistan, past Oman,
Past Arabia's desert land,
Past the hidden wealth of Ormus,
Past the glowing plain of Shiraz,
Pressing to the mountain side,
Comes the language of the lightning,
Underneath the Persian tide.
Now from out the bed of ocean
Leaps the tremble of the call;
Now across the land it pulsates,
Through Balsora's shattered wall.
Past "that ancient stream Euphrates,"
Rush the words of this our day;
Rush across the plain of Shinar-
Past the rock where Arabs tell ye
Rest the great Ezr.KIL'S bones ;
Past the city of the Caliphs,
Past the Babylonian stones.
Past the land of seven churches,
Ruled by JOHN, beloved; he
Who in Patmos saw a vision,
Coming down the IC'gean sea.
Cross the Golden Horn now flashing,
Old Byzantiumn feels the thrill;
Now it climbs, and now it trembles
Down the bold Carpathian hill.
Onward, onward, through the kingdoms,
Rushes on the subtle stream;
Conquering time, and bridging distance,
In the spacing of a dream.

CLUBS FOR PETTICOATS.
IT has been determined to allow ladies to become members of the clubs in
iMoscow."-Mrorning Paper.
IT's assuredly time that we bothered our wits
And tuned up our most sympathetic oat,
In order to see if we can't start a club
Where the men won't object to a petticoat.
The North seems inclined to outrun the warm South
In the race for the best form of gallantry ;
But still there is time to redeem our fair fame-
Then let's dub our old saws all fal-lal and try.
'We long ago thought of a studio for girls,
And established a school we style Feminine "
(Or "female," we should say); and why not then ,tart
A club to be fitly called Gemini-no ?"
Of course we must have a committee of dames,
And a bishop or two for propriety;
When, if we can't rival our friends at the Pole,
We think we might get somewhere nigh it, eh .
There's another inducement since Cambridge has op0 'd
Its grave doors wide enough t' admit crinoline ;
Hang it all! if the point is withheld after this,
We will worry the fattest old sinner lean.
Come, take the bit, girls, in your sweet ruddy mouths'
Disregard slow old fools with ascetic coats:
A direction being formed and an edifice built,
Then call it The Club of Red Petticoats.

A Pretty Dance.
THERE is a smouldering revolution going on in Hungary. The
Hungarians won't join in the German waltzes, because the Austrians
won't patronise the national coardas dance. So long as they don't
take any further steps, this hop-positioh will not be umi'nhic'vous.

A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR A LIi()i)xER.-DONATO.

r MARci 25, 1865.
21 FUI N.L

IS MISCHIEF A BREW ING?
F/e0s:-" MAMMAt, PA IS NOT WELL; 80 WOULD LIKE YOU TO SEND HIM UP A CUP OF COFFEE AND A
IriunIma:-"YES, LOVE, BUT WHiICH PART "
F/os :-" THAT WITH THE DiCoree sews "

PART OF THE PAPER."

"Ex-Wise-head, Indeed!" Call that a Rifle P
Shave just come upon the following extraordinary announcement WE lip the following extraordinary advertisement from a conem-
i he s n the :- porary for the benefit of our constant reader and warm admirer
n te T .- JOHN BRIGHT, i.P. :-
X. Y. Z. -The Secretary of the Railway Passengers Assurance Company acknow-
ledges the receipt of 25 (twenty-five pounds), amount paid as compensation TIENT Y THOUSAND RIFLES, with bayonets, complete, for SALE, at S. G6d.
for an accidental injury which cannot conscientiously be retained. each; suitable for South American or China markets. Apply, by letter,
to K., etc.
Not to be captious and find fault with the wording of this-although or and with bye mp a t twod w si
it is extraordinary to suppose any one could wish to "conscientiously A rfl for eight and six, with bayonet completewoud, we should
retain aninjmy," and make his unwillingness to do so a ground for think, e a weapon which might be safely given to children for a toy,
paying twenty-five pounds to anyody-w cannot help being amused unless indeed like many of the things one sees advertised, it were of
at tils advertisement. If the Company were only as conscientious as no danger "to anybody but the owner." If our pacific friend were
poor E r-Wise-hcad the twenty-five pounds would he sent hack to him to arm North and South with these weapons, and supply them with
at poo se, wiha note to ten at the nomnus could i e sent o ul h sawdust powder, the American war might be allowed to go on for
keel the sum, as it was clear that he was really injured, although he ever. Such a rifle would be certainly suited as a perishable article to
klid not know it, and that it was his brain that had suffered go to the China market, along with the earthenware pocket pistols'in
S______________ which we have seen spirits conveyed. -s

Useful at Last.
WVil: have often wondered what earthly purpose could be answered by THE SEA SERPENT AGAIN.
lbagpipes, for they arc certainly not musical instruments. We have TlIE Captain of the Blonde of Jersey, CAPTAIN CHAHLES Aunm-,
discovered their use in the description of a fire which broke out at newly arrived at the St. Katherine's Docks from Africa, reports that
the Assenmbly Riooms at Edinburgh during the Caledonian United he has seen the serpent-213 feet long I He says that off Vermin Vas
Service I'all." In the account we read it stated that "the fire originated the vermin vas.
in so m' decorative, scenery, a portion of which caught light from an
adjoining gas jet," and it adds, "the pipers were ordered to play upon ELECTION GOSSIP.
the spot, thie tire was extinguished, and the alarm dissipated." We IT is rumored that LoRa CLAUD HAMILTON will solicit the votes of
tiink thie conflagration showed its good sense by going out directly the the good folks of Derry. His opponents say it is Dorry-rogatory to
pipes began to play. We should have done exactly the same. his dignity.

TnE Lxw or ATTRACTiox.-Matrimonv. A RUMX S ART.
\Te, L.w or -TTC. ON.-atrin ASAINT ANTHONY is the patron of false starts at Rome. We wish
NOTOUIOVIs BLUNDER-BOREs.-ARMSTRONG guns. with regard to false starts we could say "Aren't any" too.

Printed by .JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleettreet, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-March 25 .Jai

APRIL 1, 1865.]

F UJ N.

JOTTINGS FROM JOURNALS.
HE musical world,.has been roused
4ltl to the highest pitch of frenzy and
JIB yjY/ jealousy by the report that the
honour of knighthood is about to be
conferred on MI. BRINLEY RICHARDS,
the composer of God bless the
Prince of Wales." Really, on reading
the spiteful effusions from disap-
pointed musicians which appear in
the last number of the Orchestra,
one is tempted to exclaim, Who
would be a knight or baronet ? We
regret that our musical knowledge is
so limited that we cannot call to mind
any other original composition than
the above by this (about to be) distin-
guished maestro, but we are aware that
he is the composer or adapter of some
of the most brilliant musical fire-
Sworks that were ever let off by a
'L young lady fresh from a fashionable
boarding-school. We have not the
smallest objection to make against
the honour about to be conferred on Mn. RICUADns, but we hope that
this is only the first of a series of royal favours to be bestowed on
eminent musicians. If popularity is any proof of an author's merit,
why should not the immortal composer of the "Organ Grinder" be
equally honoured ? It would at least be a graceful act of generous
condescension to pour the soothing balm of knighthood into that un-
fortunate turtle dove's bosom, as a compensation for the misery
which he must have suffered from the disgraceful proceedings of the
nasty organ grinder." What a novel attraction it would be to the
music-halls to hear the zest with which the chairman would give out,
"Let me call your attention to a comic song from Sin ARTHUR LLOYD,
K.C.B.," or, "Sin CHARLES MACKSEY, BART., will appear again,
gentlemen."
TALKINo about Ireland reminds us of the latest photographic novelty.
A certain Irish paper enumerates among other curiosities to be ex-
hibited at the International Exhibition, a tin pannikin, photographed
by the corpse of LEICHARDT, the Australian explorer." We must call
upon our photographic readers to clear up this mystery, as at present
we must confess ourselves upon the horns of a dilemma, and cannot
help suspecting the vicinity of an Irish bull.
T'uE Aorning l0ost informs us that BROTHER IGNATIUS has given
notice that a forty hours' prayer will be commenced at the Norwich
monastery on the 29th instant. The forty hours' prayer will be con-
ducted by a certain number taking their turn before the altar, and to
succeed one another. The public will be allowed to come in, and any
person subscribing 1 for the new church will be prayed for during
the forty hours." Pray let us hear no more about the subtle ingenuity
displayed by the Chinese in having their rotatory praying machines, or
the facility with which their paper prayers afe performed. We will
back our Norwich monastery against any Joss house in China, either
in expedients for raising the wind, or on any other point of
devotional mummery. It is to be regretted that BROTHER
IGNATIUS does not enter a little more into details in his proclama-
tion, as two questions immediately arise which are not to be solved
by the meagre terms of the notice. Firstly, whether there is any
absolute necessity for a subscriber to be present in person, and
if not, to what length of radius does the efficacy of the brothers'
prayers extend ? We should be glad of any information on this
point, as we have a friend in Paris who, we think, might be induced
to invest a pound in the arrangement, if the reply was satisfactory.
Secondly, whether the payment of a fractional part of a pound ensures
to the subscriber a proportional term or amount of devotion ? This
certainly admits of explanation, as we have no doubt that some
miserly creatures, or self-righteous sinners would wish to do the thing
cheap, and would think that [half-a-crown's worth of prayer would
last them for a long time, or that they only required five shillings'
worth of whitewashing. Other inquiries present themselves, such as
whether "children under ten years of age are admitted half-price," or
whether infants in arms must be paid for," etc., which we trust will
be satisfactorily explained before the 29th instant.

PRETEZ MOI TA PLUME !"
WE see it reported that at Gravelles, the other day, a French-
man succeeded in flying some distance, at a little height above the
ground, by means of wings lined with goose feathers." Are our in-
formants sure they were not the feathers of the indigenous canard ?

HAPPY IRELAND!*
BY M. B*8s.
Happy Ireland! there are only ten organ-grinders in all Ireland. After that
we need pay but little attention to Mit. IIsEiEssT'S laenientations."-Daily Paper.
OcH, list to the poet the while
A trile,
He makes from its grief to beguile
The Isle
Of the sportive shillaly
And shamrock, which daily
The Saxon's regarding' wid bile-
The sile
That gives birth to thim boys
The Saxon employs
In laying the brick, and the tile,
In style!
On its troubles I'll jist lay some ilo !
'Tain't for harmony thim there chaps pray,
Not they!
Their likings is quite t'other way,
I say.
Well! statistic reminders
State ten organ-grinders
As all that they have there to play !
Hooray!
For the isle's discontent
We soon can invent
A cure that is certain to pay-
And may
Upon England of hope shed a ray !
For the organs that drive England mad,
For discords displeasing,
Our souls that are teasing,
Will just suit each bold Irish lad
If peace be in view
Of this kind, perhaps, PAM may be glad.
VCrbion sap. I have nothing to add.

A man in the hand is a feathered biped in a human palm, four
fingers and a thumb.
Procrastination is a long word of five syllables.
Give a dog a bad name and he will probably answer to it on all
future occasions.
Necessity is'the mother of a lot of little imps who scamper about in
the houses of the great and the small, and frequently go to the banks
with checks which are dishonoured.
Half a loaf is an equal portion of a certain regulated fragment of
material made from grain, and consumed by hungry mortals.
When the cat's away its probably gone on to the leads to give a
concert, or to meet some feline friends on a neighboring garden wall.
There's a silver lining to every plated tea-pot.
What is sauce for the goose is when a small village boy is cheeky to
the animal in question, and calls it names only known to the
impudent.
A rolling stone, a detached fragment of rock, is a most inconvenient
thing to meet on the side of a hill. There can't be two opinions on
this point, ergo it is a proverb.
There's many a slip 'tween the banks of a frozen pond.
It's a long lane which takes you three hours and a half to get to the
end of.
The early bird is generally wide awake.
A wise child knows its alphabet.
A peck of March dust is not the thing to keep one's peck-cr up.
A virtuous woman is a useful commodity.
Look before you swear you see something.
There are two sides to every ham sandwich.
Early to bed and early to rise is all very well in theory, but it won't
do in practice.
A live donkey is an obstreperous animal usually driven by coster-
mongers, and is at present the especial care of a large number of
philanthropists anxious for its temporal welfare.

VO(L. VI I

FU

TOWN TALK.
BY THE LUNCHEs AT IHE PUBS.
THE crusade against capital punishment, which is, I am thankful to
believe, gaining so many champions, is so strangely-almost miracu-
lously-supported just now by instances seemingly designed by an
inscrutable Providence to make this blot on our statute book blacker
yet, that the populace would be justified in echoing the old cry-
SDeus vult! Dens vilt !" For years on years earnest, honest men
have spoken their horror of judicial murder in plain terms-and
apparently for years in vain. But at last the right moment comes for
every cause, as for every man, upon earth, and the fiat goes forth.
The supporters of the stem mosaic, wrongfully tesselated into the
pavement of the new Tabernacle, may describe this conjunction of
damning evidence against the code of death as a coincidence," if they
please. To all thinking men the chain of evidence is clearly forged by
some other hand than that of blind chance. The bloodthirsty law is
abolished, and Mit. CALeCAFT can, as a last exhibition, execute his own
calling for the last time in the Old Bailey as soon as he likes. If
there were one straw's weight wanting to turn the balance of justice
before, we need nothing after the horrors of that last execution at
Durham.
THE Brompton boilers are doomed! Where shall Jobbery and
Nepotism and Incompetency hide their heads ? What is to become of
Sie WENTWORTH DILKE, and COLE, C.B., and the splendidly-unsuc-
cessful CAPTAIN FOWKE ? The iron sheds, the torpedoes of Art, the
monitors of Folly, are to be given to three districts of London which
require rooms in which lectures may be delivered and magic lanterns
exhibited. Well, the uncouth barracks will be advanced a step in the
world. They can never be ornamental, but at length they will become
useful.
VISCOUNT A.MBERLEY has been down to Leeds again. His speech is
one that encourages both friends and opponents. The latter rail at
him, with the Tnies shrowishly leading, for not knowing his
own mind. But the former respect all the more a young politician
who, Imowing that he risks popularity by such a course, has neverthe-
less the honesty not to speak decidedly until he has made up his mind,
regardless of censure or favour.
WHAT is to be done for worthy MA. GUINNESS of Dublin, the
restorer of the splendid cathedral of that city, and the restorer of
many a poor invalid's health by something richer than his guineas-
his GrUINNESS's stout ? It is said he is to be made a baronet. The best
;lI,, I. can be done to honour the great and good brewer is to erect
S..I -. in the city, to be supplied for the good of the poor and
thirsty at public expense with his own honest and invigorating
stout.
THE Under Secretary of State for War has been driven into making
an admission as to the incompetency of the pot gun. He says the
ARMSTRONG does not burst-oh, dear, no! nothing of the sort. It only
cracks! What is this in other words but that the chosen weapon
possess this one merit-that, though it soon ceases to harm the
enemy, it at least refrains from injuring its owners ? Why, we could
say as much of a penny popgun, and save, goodness only knows how
much per annum on the estimates, by substituting a quill and a plug
of potato for the expensive but ineffective article turned out by Sin
WA.1,IAMe AtI'MSTRONG.
THmiRsE is something grandly significant in a recent order given by
the KING or ITALY. He has commanded a medal to be struck com-
memorative of the wars for the independence and unity of Italy waged
"in the years 1818, 1849, 1859, 1860, 1861, and-- ." The hiatus-
raldh d/flenduis by every friend of liberty-is to be filled up when the
people have carried out literally the hollow promise of the modern
miniature of C._i-AR-and Italy is indeed free from the Alps to the
Adriatic I think a good many of us would die the happier if we
had the luck to see that date filled in in our time. Perhaps we may !
Who knows ?
WHILE I write these lines a tremendous gale is howling outside like
a legion of hungry wolves. How terrible it must be at sea! How
terrible it must be on land to those who have dear ones afloat. I don't
envy even the sensations of those who hear it and have not aided the
cause of the National Lifeboat Association.

AN INDEPENDENT ELIECTOE.
M[it. GuNIMSTONE has determined not to give his vote to any candidate
for Parliamentary honours who is not an advocate for universal
snuffirago.

WrHY is the seat of the Reading Clerk in the House of Lords not
more than a stone's throw from the Woolsack ?-Because slings by
BETIELL (SLINcOsnY BETIIrELL) can reach it.

[N [APRIL 1, 1865.

PROSPECTIVE CRITICISM.
THE first of May is approaching, when all the world, including his
wife, will find themselves within the precincts of Pepperpot House,
otherwise known as the National Gallery. All the world too will
criticise the pictures there hung, and which will form the exhibition of
the Royal Academy, whereby they extract shillings from the pockets
of the British public. But we are not all the world; we are more-we
are FUN. Where others follow we lead. Such being the case we
present our readers-and their names are not millions, but billions-
with a full, true, and particular account of what they may expect to
see at the Royal Academy on the 1st of May.
"My First Whelk" (Tomirss). This is a very beautiful genre
picture, and depicts the pleasure experienced by a youthful Brillat-
Savarin on swallowing the delicacy for the first time, from which the
picture takes itstitle. The exquisite foreshortening of the boy's left
ear and the delicate colouring of his boots remind us of RAPHAEL in
his happiest moments of inspiration. Nor must we omit mention of
the surprise so graphically delineated on the countenances of the
spectators, to think that he should never have enjoyed a whelk pre-
viously. As a study of character the whole is inimitable.
"Mark Antony cutting his corns after the battle of Actium"
(SMITHERS). This to a certain extent is an unsatisfactory picture.
While recognizing, as all must, the noble nature of this canvas poem,
we cannot but feel annoyed that the effect is marred by a want of
attention to detail. The perspective too is in parts faulty, as an
instance of which we may point out that the little toe of the left foot,
on which the warrior has already operated, is decidedly out of drawing;
nor can we trace the name of MAPPIN on the razor he is using, with-
out which, as is well known from the pages of history, MAin ArNTONY|
never travelled. In a future work from this artist we hope that such
blemishes may be avoided.
"May I sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow" (TOODLES), is a culinary
study, and represents a stale mince-pie. We know it is stale by the
peculiar deathlike hue which pervades the crust, and tells so clearly of
the viand in question having been baked the day before yesterday.
In the mute appeal thus made we read a great moral lesson, while the
execution leaves positively nothing to be desired. The present work
is a vast stride on "Taturs all hot," exhibited last year by Mit.
TOODLES, and shows that he has gained not only in depth of expression,
but also in colouring.
Our Mutual Friend." (Sxooxs). This is a delicate compliment to
MR. DICKENs, and represents a water-rate man calling for his dues.
The uncompromising nature of the official is clearly shown in his
boots, which, of the blucher kind and thick-soled, plainly hint that he
won't call again; while the fact that, though a collector, he is yet a
man, is artfully suggested by the careful manner in which his hair is
parted at the back. Altogether we must regard this picture as the
gem of the Exhibition.
Caught at last" (BosuiEn). A more correct title for this stirring
work would have been Revenge," as the subject is the not unmerited
death of a flea, whose predatory excursions on the body of the occu-
pant of a four-post bed have rendered futile all attempts at sleep. The
character depicted in the eye of the captured insect speaks volumes,
and shows the marauder unconquered even in death. We cannot but
regard the whole picture as a moral lesson which must appeal even to
the most blunted conscience, and we congratulate Mn. BosHER on the
production of a real work of genius.
There! that will do for the present. We could, did we wish, foretell
and foro-criticise the whole exhibition, but what we have thrown off
will give our readers some slight, but only a slight, idea of our powers
in that line.
N.B. No connection with the Spiritual Itagazine, or any body of
the name of DAvENPORT.

"That Deformed Thief, Fashion."
A FASHIONABLE contemporary, redolent of plush and powder, in
speaking of Working Men's Industrial Exhibitions, says:-
"The fashionable world is now inclined to fester this useful attempt to let day-
light in upon humble genius, and give industry a pat on the shoulder in whatever
rank- it finds it."
Genius and Industry ought really to be very much obliged to
Fashion-and our fashionable contemporary. Our F. C., living as he
does upon fashion, is, like the parasite of SYDNEY SMITH'S bluebottle,
apt to think his carrion fly the biggest, bluest, beautifullest creature in
the universe!

PAT-RIOT-IC.
A CONTEMPORAuY informs us that
The Belfast riots are now in the hands of two Q.C.'s."
All very well! But is it possible to find any ex-cuses for them P

APRIL 1, 1865.]

FUN.

PARODIES ON THE POETS.
No. T.
BY OUR ORIGINAL LUxATIc.
THE curlew tolls amidst the darting spray,
And showy birds ride boldly o'er the sea,
Striving the foaming clods to clear away,
And leave the earth to chaos and to me.
The glades are simmering in the red moonlight,
And Hanwell all a solemn stillness holds; .
Nay, e'en the beadle feels the moaning light,
And jelly sparkles in the glistening moulds.
There on the jagged shells neathh beauty's shade,
3 Where melancholy watch the mole doth keep,
Each in his waistcoat straight for ever laid,
The well-bred lunatics of Hanwell sleep.
Haply, some keeper, hard-hearted, may say,
Oft have we seen him calling to the moon,
Beck'ning, with hasty thumb, the stars away,
To meet the sun when he comes out at noon.
There at the foot of yonder nodding tower,
That breathes so bold beneath the azure sky,
He'd form himself of oyster-shells a bower,
And pour his look on all that travelled by.
One noon we missed him, as about we dodged,
He drew his breath, but nothing could we see;
Another came-we had him safely lodged
In the asylum of Colwell Hanley.

A BARONETCY FOR MR. GUINNESS
IT is stated that HER MAJESTY is about to bestow upon MR.
GUINNESS the style and dignity of a Baronetcy. All true admirers-
and their name is legion-of such a stout-hearted and public-spirited
man as MR. GUINNESs is well known to be, will rejoice in congratu-
lating him upon this well-merited reward. His munificence in con-
nection with the old cathedral of the Irish capital deserves a suitable
acknowledgment, and we suggest that a more delicate and appropriate
compliment could not be paid him than that of creating him a Knight
of St. Patrick-and 2Jalt-a.

Song of Spring.
'TIs very clear that in London, here,
For almanacks there's no reason;
For the costers tell by the wares they sell
The time of year and season.
Thus you may know by Orn'ments fo'er sto',"
The seaside haunts to drive to;
And Lord Mayor's day, with its grand array,
Comes in with "Sprats all alive, 0 "
But the gladdest sound of the whole year round,
Comes in early March to cheer us,
It breaks the gloom of the invalid's room)
For it tells of sunshine near us.
It speaks of brooklets, bright and clear,
Where Spring her charms discloses;
And fresh and gay as the light of day
Is the cry of "Sweet Primroses."
Though the rich and grand may not understand
The worth of these humble posies,
Those who live 'mid dust, o'er a scanty crust,
Poor wights who sleep all night in the street,
Got shocking colds in their noses,
And with joy they hear, when Spring is near,
The cry of Sweet Primroses."

TOO BRIEF.
A YANKEE leader, AVERILL, in a despatch, dated 22nd December,
which is a sort of ToM THUMB imitation of the great NAPOLEON'S style,
says:-
"My command has marched, climbed, slid, and swam 350 miles since the 25th
instantly
He does not give any information as to the extent of its lying.

WHO's BANTING ?-No-body.

LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN.
No. 17.-THE GENERAL UTILITY MEMBER.
IT is useless to disguise the fact that many of our young students
are attending these lectures solely from a desire to progress as rapidly
as possible in their political career, and so realize, as quickly as may
be, in solid advantages the talents which they invest in the pursuit.
To such young and ardent spirits a few hints as to the most advan-
tageous way of working their market will no doubt bo very valuable,
and we hasten, therefore, at the earliest opportunity to point out an
example for their guidance, and to lay down a few maxims for their
instruction.
If one fact be worth a thousand arguments, as a philosopher once
observed, it is no less true that one illustration is more weighty than
a myriad precepts. We are glad to be in a position to indicate a
model, which many of our students may copy, but none can surpass.
In the member for King's County-a young, but by no means
untried (and certainly not acquitted) aspirant for political notoriety-
our marketable friends will find an example after which most of them
will toil in vain.
To proceed from illustration to inculcation:-The needy and
juvenescent ddbutaut must lay aside all modesty (if he over had any),
and consider that his greatest glory is his shame. By boisterously
obtruding himself upon the attention of the House, in season or out
of season, with reason or without reason, he must, if he possess a
moderate amount of talent of the most ordinary kind, and an im-
moderate amount of impudence of an extraordinary kind, sooner or
later draw the attention of the House to the fact that he is To Let."
It would be desirable, we know, that this advertisement of a political
auction should be less indecently obvious, but unluckily in Parliament,
unless a man is ticketed in very plain figures, few people discover that
he is to be disposed of.
The sort of servant generally looked out for by a possibly incoming
Ministry is a very low class of domestic. The coachman, the footman'
the butler-these are all old dependents belonging to the establishment.
The vacancies are for scullion, boot-cleaner, and errand-boy. "A
young man who can turn his hand to anything, and is willing to
make himself generally useful," is the kind of person who has a
chance of an engagement when a new Ministry takes possession of
the House. An insolent tongue, a happy disregard for facts and
figures, and overweening vanity and confidence, are the qualities
which fit a man for such a place. All our young students cannot
hope to attain to such excellence, but they can at least train them-
selves after the model we furnish.
It is a drawback, perhaps, to think that all the world knows you
are for sale or hire, that you bring the lowest qualifications of the
criminal bar to eke out your position among the first gentlemen of
England, and that the utmost fulfilment of your ambition can raise
you to no higher position than that of the necessary tool of a faction,
which despises, though it cannot dispense with you.
But our students will find consolation in the fact that they are per-
forming a high and exalted duty-the duty of taking care of number
one. It must be their comfort to think that, if ofttered first to one
party and then to another, or even temporarily employed on one side
and then passing over to the other, they can at least solace themselves
with the poetic language of TuriPEt, and feel assured, in the words of
that truly great poet, that if sold again" they have at least got
the money," or its equivalent. General Utility" is a profitable line,
if rather an undignified one. On the principle which old FOUnIER
laid down, that chimney-sweeps, scavengers, and the like professions
should be allowed laurel crowns to compensate them for the disgusting
nature of their occupations, we lay this wreath at the shrine of
"General Utility."

THE DAVENPORTS AGAIN.
A CORRESPONDENT writes to inform us that he has just discovered a
new knot, with which he intends to test the ingenuity of the DAVEN-
PORT BROTHERs. He assures us that it offers far greater impediments
to extrication than the Tom Fool's knot, and calls it the "Cock-a-too's
top-knot."

SMITH.-Did you hear of the PRINCE OF WALES's pocket being
picked ?
JONES.-Yes ; I suppose there'll be a row about his not being better
watched.
SMITH.-Well, I don't know, it strikes me if he hadn't been so well
watched his pocket wouldn't have been picked. [.TONEsfaints.

BONES OF CONTENTION.-Knuckle and Jaw.
HmEIts o'parents.-Bachelors of Arts.

FUN.

Lm-8.tll 1, 10 )0.

INSULT TO INJURY.'
Ramonicw (after putting his mark on our friend's face) :-"Now, THEN, WHERE ARE YOU SHOVIN' TER UTGLY 'ED TOP CAN'T TE KEEP
lTER NOSE OUT 0' OTIHEIL PEOPLE'S PROPERTY?"

APOSTATE APOSTACY.
[TUESDAY evening LORD AMBERLEY would vote for anything ; Wed-
nesday evening he changed his mind; Thursday evening he took
back his former mind, and said he would vote for a 6 franchise.]

On, happy LORD ArBEIRLEY! beloved of all Leeds,
A changeable son of a volatile peer!
When you swallow them all like a glass of good beer.
Ah! surely we never
In nature may find
A changeable mind!

'One night the young Viscount protests that he goes
The whole hog with great BAINES, who is in for six pounds;
But, unluckily, AaMBERLEY followed his nose,
When he ought to have waited for BAINES and his hounds.
Then can we conceive
An affliction more kind,
Than a liberal creed
And a changeable mind ?

The electors of Leeds were in love with the youth,
Who only owned JOHNNY for cashier-not guide;
They thought they had got the perfection of truth-
And we'll not be the first to say AMBE1RLEY lied.
So happy it is
For a head to be lined
With a stretchable conscience
And changeable mind !

Three cheers for apostacy-twice in three nights!
Since 'twas done but to please the electors of Leeds!
If thus the young lord means to fly all his kites,
There's woe in the future for canons and creeds l
Yet this we may learn-
There are few things which bind
True mettle and worth
To a changeable mind!

EXTRAORDINARY SUICIDE.
WE have heard a great deal about LO D AMBEaLEY. He has done
many wondorfulthings during his short career. The best thing, how-
ever, no one save an acute observer in the Spectator has noticed. We
put it to our readers whether the young Viscount hasn't given a most
remarkable instance of extraordinary self-command." Says our
contemporary :-
We agree with the meeting, all the more because on the following day LOon
AMBERLEY swallowed himself again."
This is pleasant. The Spectator agrees with the meeting, and since
LORD AMBnEaLEY swallowed himself, we hope he agreed with him.
What will become of the constituency of Leeds now ? It can't send a
man to Parliament who has swallowed himself, as both fellows might
begin to talk at once. It appears, however, that the noble lord swal-
lowed himself "again." Is this operation likely to be repeated ? If
it is a chronic complaint with the young aspirant, it would be as well
to send him as a curiosity to the Zoological Gardens. But we cannot
see the logic of the Spectator in agreeing with the meeting all the more
because LonD AMBERLEY swallowed himself again." The contributor
must have written this passage in his sleep, or perhaps something more
objectionable.

THE WORST LocK OUT.-Wed-lock. Oh! you naughty bachelor!

94

I

24_

1

Fp U JN.-APRIL 1, 1865.

BULL'S WEAPON.
John Bull:--" WELL, MY FRIEND, I CONFESS I DON'T WALK ABOUT WITH A 600-POUNDER
UNDER EACH ARM, A MORTAR IN MY HAT, AND MY POCKETS FILLED WITH IRON-CLADS, AND
SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO DOES. STILL, I HAVE ONE SPLENDID WEAPON NOT POSSESSED
BY .EVERYBODY-A GOOD LONG POCKET-EH, NAP ?"

I'

APRIL 1, 1865.]

FUN.

,fun in Parliamtent.
THE House of Lords, busy, probably, playing the part of vultures
over the falling Chancellor, and jumping high cockolorum over the
woolsack, in anticipation of its speedy vacancy, did nothing on Friday.
But the House of Commons heard Ma. HENLEY complain of a new
Parliamentary institution-the referees, who quashed a useful bill on
a matter of minor importance. But Mn. HENLEY was told to shut up.
The House loves new brooms, even though they sweep away a great
deal that is valuable with the rubbish. This same evening Mn.
HENNEssY remounted his hobby-Poland. Like a virtuous chief he
attacked the Treasury Bench lance in rest. Loen PALMERSTON tried
to extinguish him abruptly. This failed, but the motion was with-
drawn, so that poor Poland can hope for nothing from England now.
Fae ictis Finsbury Cox canvassed the metropolitan police-rate.
Why was it so heavy ? ALDERMAN ROSE defended the present police
system, and so did Sin GEoRGE GREY. If an ex-Lord Mayor and a
Home Secretary are satisfied, of course all the rest of the world ought
to be, but most people will still hold an independent opinion about the
police and the police-rate.
The Lords on Monday were fidgetty about the site of the new law
courts. Rumour whispers that there is huge jobbery contemplated.
One idea is to build the palace in the vicinage of Somerset House.
LonD REDESDALE sees no reason why the convenience of barristers and
solicitors should be consulted. Nor any one else, we should fancy.
The profession is fat enough, and to put the courts under its very nose
would breed laziness and a niggard economy. They can always take
a cab; it's only a mile from the Temple to Westminster, and if they
are anxious to be economical let them pay the legal fare of sixpence.
There's an amusing item in the Commons. COLONEL SYKES thought
there was some defect in the consular courts because some roving
Englishmen had lost themselves. Fancy appointing consuls to look
after runaways! Bravo, SYKES! The inviting topic of prisoners and
paupers occupied their lordships on Tuesday. Unhappy civil sinners
when they can't pay police fines are sent to a common prison. This is
rather hard lines, and the justices of Middlesex let their prisoners go
directly. This is farcical. Who'd pay a fine, knowing this? EARL
GRANVILLE said that Government was endeavouring to persuade the
justices to rescind this resolution. We hope they won't. Imprison-
ment ought not to be an alternative where a fine is inflicted. MARQUlIS
ToWKSHEsnD took the casual poor under his wing. The luckless beings
are turned out of the workhouse very early in the morning. This
accounts for the flood of miserable creatures which overwhelms the
Green Park on summer mornings. EARL HARROWBY revived the
notion of putting the care of the poor in the hands of the police. Oh,
don't! Wo shall all be robbed if you do, for the police have already
too much on their hands, and do none of it properly.
The only matter which we care to notice as occurring in the House
of Commons on Tuesday was the Fire Insurance fight, where SHERIDAN,
emulous of his American namesake, thrashed his opponents, and took
GLADSTONE prisoner. Immortal SHERIDAN! is thy usefulness worthy
to be catalogued with the dead of oratorio fame ? But we hope the
insurance offices won't be allowed to fatten on this victory-that
insurers will get, if possible, more than a proportionate benefit.
The Married Women's Property Bill (Ireland) was read a second
time on Wecnesday. We don't see that married women have any
right to property. When a man pays a woman so high a compliment
as to marry her, she at least ought to give him all her substance. SIR
C. O'LOGHLon is becoming a spirited reformer. He proposed to-day
the second reading of a bill for compelling the running of a limited
number of Sunday trains in Ireland. Religion happily hadn't much
to say against it, but Sin H. CAI1xs extinguished it by showing that
the bill would interfere with the ordinary rules and business of carriers.
A majority of ten quashed the motion.
Thursday was a field-day in the Houses. The reciprocity treaty
between America and Canada, EARL RUSSELL tells us, will soon expire.
This is one step towards laying the turf for a battle-field. The noble
earl defended once more his neutrality principle. But he spoke
foolishly when he said that a war with America would have been
-merely for the private profits of MESSRS. LAIRD. The House still
hovers over Canada, a vote for which colony was proposed. Mn.
BENTINCK saw no utility in sending troops out to defend her, but pro-
.Iosed to place all reliance on the fleet. Of course a gunboat can stop
-an army inland, and an iron-clad outflank a general. MR. BIonHT
supported MR. BENTIa'CK, but the latter gentleman deserted himself,
so that Ma. B rIGHT was in a fix. MR. DISBAELI thought that Canada,
.*hen her blood was up, would be able to help herself. This is a com-
fortable theory, but a weak one. The vote, which is for 811,424
only, was carried, so that we suppose the colony which was so gal-
lantly won will be preserved to us in spite of the mawkish efforts of
quakers and parliamentary old women. The House didn't go home
till morning.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
AwAY beyond the Atlantic foam
There is a man of fame;
The Yankee land
He does command-
ABRAHAM is his name.
An AmRAHAM of old did love
To multiply his kind;
But to efface
A noble race
Has seized this monster's mind.
WVhat are three hundred thousand men ?
He hurls them to the grave;
The ocean breeze
Bursts with less case,
No bubble on the wave.
What are three hundred thousand more ?
The insects of his play;
And men will think
Of Airm Lixc i
The more men melt away.
Amid the wild, wild waste of war
Does ABnAsHAM repine ?
Yet AiU can joke,
And drink Catawba wine.
Two billion dollars, what a debt!
The men of days to come,
Shall LIxcoLs scold
And nurumur at the sum.
And boyless maids, and wireless men,
And wives companiomnless,
Must soon say fain
Am's aught but gain,
And causes much distress.
And of the war when comes the end ?
'Tis hard to say. But Aim
Won't shut his mouth,
While in the south
There's o'en a rebel babe.
And if he hap to exterminate,
Say they, the Southern elves,
To try their chance
'Gainst Frenchmen and ourselves.
Although he's bent on wasting lives,
Ho's loved by Yankees well!
A light canoe;
And in that little cell
Hle sailed the great Mississippi
And he could box,
Or hunt a fox,
The best of Yankee men.
And so the vastly multitude
Has ta'en him for a pet;
They at his will
The armies fill,
And bear a mighty debt.
We have a giant man; and when
He comes againstt us as foes,
We'll send our PAM
'Gainst ABmRAHAM
To break his ugly nose.

Lines by a 6 Householder.
I'm afraid ViscoeUNT AMBERLEY's a bit of a flirt,
For he changes his mind as he does his shirt.

AN 'airy SITUATION.-A barber's.

[APRIL 1, 1865.

28 FUN.

AT THE PLAY.

\ ^O OARDINGS in and about the me- tropolis, as our readers may have remarked, have been covered with a S \ poster inscribed with hieroglyphics, as to the exact character and mean- \ \ ing of which popular opinion has varied considerably. Some said they were a counterpart of the written language of Timbuctoo, others that they were Mandarin Chinese, while others again as- I 'N l sertod that they were the speci- 4 it Smens of the Foreign Office cali- 1 I graphy posted up by seditious f persons to draw down contempt on the Government. All were, how- ever, wrong, since it now turns out that the hieroglyphics in question 1 represent Irish, and stand for S. -iS Arra.-na--Pogye, which is the title of Mn. Dio-N BouCICAULT's new Sdrama at the Princess's Theatre, y ] [ vice The Streets of London, with- Sdrawn. It is seldom that unquali- fled praise can be given to any pro- ji' / duction of MR.Dio. BoucicAULT,for either there is a suspicion as to the orginality, or there is more than a suspicion as to the intrinsic worth, or some other cause which prevents the cup of laudation from being poured upon the BoUCICAULTIAN performances. It is, therefore, with feelings of pleasure, not unmingled with astonishment, that we find ourselves speaking favourably of Arrah-na-eog e, or the Wickloo Wedding, a great improvement, in a literary point of view, on the (ollecn Bawn. Excellently mounted and very well acted, the piece deserves success. The plot is laid in the time of the Irish rebellion, and represents the fortunes of a young peasant, Shaun the Post," who is very nearly, but not quite, hanged. Of course the chief character falls to the lot of MR. BOUCICAULT himself, and the heroine to his wife, who impersonates a character very similar to the one sus- tained by her in the Colleen Bawi. A great addition to the strength of the company has been made by the engagement of Miss M. OLIVER, who played a, comparatively speaking, subordinate part, but with great archness and vivacity. Of course there is a sensation scene, which consists of Mike Feeny, the process-server, being forced to take an involuntary header from the battlements into the sea, thrown over by Shaun, to whose wife the process-server is making decided love, and to which the husband, not unnaturally, has objections. We suppose Mu. YVIING is now provided with dramatic food to satisfy his audience for the summer, and we expect no change of theatrical diet in that quarter for the next six months at least. THE fweman in jin auce, in three Spasms, has, after much preparation, been at last produced at the Haymarket, and so far as the play itself is concerned may be pronounced a decided mistake. Whether it will turn out a failure also rests with the public, although it is hardly likely, as in spite of the flimsiness and utter improbability by which it is pervaded, the acting is excellent, and it is only a pity that the performers have not more worthy scope for the exhibition of their talents. The author, Mi. WATTrr PsILIPrs, has not been successful either in pointing the moral of the worthlessness of sensation litera- ture, nor has he adorned his tale by any bright inspirations of genius. As a farce it would have been bearable; as a drama it is simply rubbish. Nor can we say much for the more than questionable taste of Mu. BuCKSTONE, who, not pleased with various marks of disappro- bation which were expressed, accused the dissentients of being an organized clique gratifying their personal and private hostilities. Whether his accusations were true or false, silence would have been a far more dignified course. But who can fathom the depths of the managerial mind ? So far as the actors were concerned in this three- act tissue of absurdities too high praise cannot be awarded. Each strove to do his best, and succeeded. MR. SOT1UERN, as the hero Jocelyn, proved, if the proof after his performance of David Garrick were wanting, how much those persons were mistaken, who declared that Lord Dundreary was his only part. Studied, but not stagey, every look, every word bespoke the ease and grace of a finished actor. Mu. COMPTOX, as the policeman Beetles, was irresistibly comic. Of the new actress, Miss EDITH STUART, we can scarcely as yet give a decided opinion. That she has improved since her last appearance in London is certain; but she has much, very much, still to learn. On the whole, should the piece turn out a success, and have a long run, the actors, and not the author, will deserve the credit. Mn. GYE's opera programme has made its appearance, and if he only keeps all his promises his patrons will certainly be well served this season. MADEMOISELLE ADELINA PATTI, PAULINE LuccA, and MADAME MIOLAN-CARVALHO" are the prima-donnas to whom the fortunes of the house are to be confided, the latter of whom is to play a chief part in the much-talked of L'Africaine, which is to be produced this season. At least it is promised, but whether or no the London public will hear this chef d'w tvre of MEYERBEER'S remains to be proved. M nE- MOISELLE LUCCA, our readers will remember, was forced so suddenly to relinquish her engagement last season by ill health, though un- charitable people did affirm that her affliction was of that kind popularly known as a pain in the temper. HERR WACHTEL, who might be termed a chromatic COXWELL, to such heights in the scale does he ascend, is also engaged. Not that we regard him as much of a catch except as a lusus natural, for his voice, although of most ex- traordinary compass, is not particularly sweet, and in his upper and favourite notes reminds us rather of a railway whistle with a bagpipe stop turned on. As for his acting, the least said on that subject soonest mended. To recount, however, the names of all those singers who are to appear this summer is more than we care for; besides, are they not visible to all readers who choose to look up MR. GYE's adver- tisement in any file of daily papers ? CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED UP BY OUR OWN Mou0CHARD. SMITH.--+What's your opinion of LoaD AMBERLEY ? BnowN.-Well, he's young at present, and hardly to be trusted out of the paternal leading-string. SMITHrr.-Well, he didn't exactly distinguish himself at Leeds at his last exhibition of his political projects. BnowN.-Not exactly. In his first speech he was papa and-Radical, and in his second papa and water. SSMITH.-Principally water. BaowN.-What a pretty mess BISHOP COLENSO has got into with his appeal. SMITH.-Yes, in his endeavours to upset the 'bishops of Cape Town he upset himself also. BnowN.-Well, it will be some consolation for Dn. GRAY, at any rate. SMITH.-May be; but I should doubt if it would tend to promote much Christian harmony. BROWN.-Well, odium theologieumn is not an emollient of passions, so what can you expect ? SMITH.-I wonder how much Ma. GLADSTONE will reduce the tax on insurances ? As it now stands the impost offers a positive premium to improvidence. BRowN.-I don't expect the public will benefit much by it, whatever the reduction may be. SMITH.-Why not? It must be a benefit. BRowN.-It ought to be, but I expect the companies will find it necessary to charge an extra premium, or some dodge to get hold of the money from the public. SMITH.-Then you regard the public as a kind of milch cow, which, when the Government dairy-maid lets go, some one else is sure to take up. BRowN.-Just so. SMITH.-What a joke that is about MR. ADDISON, whom the spiritualists want to make a medium malgri lhd. BRowN.-Yes; more especially as he quite floors the DAYENFORT BROTHERS, beating them completely on their ground. SMITH.-The indignation of the spiritualists at his repudiating them is also amusing. They seem determined to claim him whether he will or no. BRowN.-Yes; but the difference between him and the brothers seem to be but a little after all. He can knot them, but they can not him. SMITH.-What a sad thing is this lock-out business in the North. BaowN.-Yes; but the men have principally themselves to thank for it. They've taught the masters how to fight them with their own weapons, and now they rue the lesson. SIMITH.-That's true; but is it not possible to prevent this continued recurrence of strikes and lock-outs ? So soon as one is over, another commences. BRowN.-I see no way at present. Both masters and men are so embittered against each other, that until a more conciliatory spirit prevails on both sides, the only way left is to let them fight out to their mutual loss. SMITH.-Well, we must hope the best. ErITAPH ON A Fox HUNTER.-In at the Death. APRIL 1, 1865.] FU N. 29 LETTERS TO THE COUNTRY. Ox THE OPENING OF THE LONDON SEASON. No. IV.-FEMININE. DEAR BELLA,-The weather's most hideous, And I've got a fit of the blues, More especially since ma won't let me Do just as I happen to choose. Do you know, dearest, I've got a notion Domestics are quite out of tune; She insists that one bonnet should last me From May till the middle of June ! I certainly think that when mothers Will meddle with maidens and dress, That maidens just out of revenge Should take to flirtation and chess. Heigho! what's the news, my dear BELLA ? Oh nothing but twaddling stuff; Papa's always talking of EDMUNDS, Who seems to be rather a muff. Just fancy, my dear, he "defaulted," And then in the piousest fear Refunded, but still for his honour Gets only 800 a year! Papa, who's a Tory, you know, dear, Protests that old BETHELL'S to blame; And he says that LonD DERBY'S determined To spoil the old gentleman's game. I call it a shame, 'pon my honour, That chancellors may not take care Of relations, when chances of party Provide a snug berth for each heir. I wish that we women might govern The state with strong crinoline steel; Wouldn't we teach the very nice doctrine- One's own gain is the national weal! I wrote to you last about Cambridge; The girls, dear, have carried the day : Girls and boys are to share the same honours- Examined in just the same way. But still it's a shame dons decline to Make public the girls who succeed ; In this case who'll care to take honours, Or who'd take the trouble to read ? Why shouldn't the Times in the morning Declare to the world a girl's fame ? But males would get frightened if ladies Won repute for a maidenly name. Now, darling, I really must close my Epistle, already too long ; I'm off to teach CHARLIE the tenor In 's new popular song. I don't give the name, for I'm jealous Lest others should learn it as well; I think very few really sing it So sweetly as CHARLIE and- well, By-bye, now, my dearest, forget me, The twaddle of this filthy place, And all that it's wrong to remember, And believe me sincerely yours, GRACE. EVIDENTLY IN-SEINE. PARIs is gone quite mad about C.ASAR. We shall not be at all sur- prised if, one of these days, a popular assembly votes for a change of name, and call Paris, Rome. Hero's the first practical result of the C0SsAn mania:- M. IIAUSSMANN, the Prefect of the Seine, has resolved upon giving the name of *JULIUS CESAR' to one of the streets of Paris." In this instance, the gentleman with so many consonants in his name will be certain to "rue" it. As an appendage to this announce- m nt, let us assert that. the cricketer who bears the nomme-de-guerre of NAPOLEON's hero is to be entertained at the Tuileries in the course of next week. This would be about as reasonable as M. HAussMANN's project. A LAMENT FOR SOUTH KENSINGTON. "Tun Lords of the Treasury have ordered the iron buildings at Brompton popularly known as the Boilers, to be taken down, and under proper regulation to be given to the three quarters of London which most require the accommodation of large edifices for exhibitions and other public purposes."- The Athen-cum. AND will the dear Boilers be banished, The CoLE-sheds removed from the spot ? How sad when their palace has vanished Will be DILKE, FowKE, and COLE, and the lot! When they blew up the great Exhibition (Which the public had blown up before), 'Twas an omen of this extradition, The reign of the Boilers was o'er! Where COLE talked of wisdom and drawing, And FOWKE showed his architect's skill, And DILKE showed-well, what did ho P-hawing! And REDGRAVE made art very ill; Where the clique's dearest friends and relations Got each some unsuitable berth, With a salary suiting their stations, As kin of the great ones of earth; Where so much public money was squandered On such a minute public good; Where the guardsmen and nursemaids oft wandered, And girls picked up flames if they could; Where the honestest things that you met with Were the buns and the beer at the bar; Where good pictures were damaged the wet with, Or the bad gas's smoke, heat, and tar; Are these blessed shades to be down-smitten- Must these dear abodes then depart ? Well! so much the better for Britain, And so much the better for Art! NOTES AND QUERIES. PAns OssEA.-The EmrRnon does not, we understand, assert that his volume is indubitable history. In short the facts about Clsar consist only of what he says are (C6sar) facts. The authenticity of a narrative which is so Boney-partist naturally resembles that of Ossran. DEAMATIcus.- We have not heard that the author of London As- surance is engaged on a now drama, to be called Limited Lic-ability. Such a subject would not give full scope for his abilities. O'BOTHrE.-The author of the song you object is not known, and what is more, is no more, so that it is no use for you to call him out. Besides, after all, the expression tight little island" was not, we firmly believe, intended as a sneer at the whisky-drinking propensities of Ireland. Sin E- L- .-We should be delighted to assist you to a subject for your picture for the next Royal Academy if we could think of one. What do you say to a painting of a cab horse turned out to grass, the title, "A screw loose P" SOUTH-Er.--Mlss BELLE BOrD is, perhaps, descended, as you suggest, from the Inchcape Bell, which was the first buoyed bell on record. A BORE is is informed that the EMiEiton or THE EIRENCn does not intend to re-name Mount Conis as Mount Seen-through-is when the tunnel is completed. VIATon.--While you are staying at Southampton, you should, when asked if you will have port or sherry, invariably reply, "Isle of Wight;" it is considered a delicate compliment. You should visit Shanklin if you have an opportunity, in order to inspect the colony from the Celestial Empire established there. The inhabitants talk a language known as Shanklin Chinese. AN ETON Boy is respectfully informed that "N.N ec est bibendum" is not the Latin for Uncle is intoxicated." He must try again. SONG OF THE SHIVERING JEMMY. WHEN the beef smokes, then lurk I, On the cook-shop steps I lie; There I beg from passers-by; Then I couch, while Peelers cry "Move on! move on!" Merrily, merrily do I live now, And make a tidyish living without a-sweating of my brow. TIIE FORmE OF EXAMPLE. IT is said that the majority of the literary members of the Garrick will, by retiring, "play the DICKENS with that club. FU N. Scene : Exterior of Mr. Banting's house. Time : 2 a.m. Intoxicated Disciple:-" BEG E 'AltDON FOR RINGING YOU UP, OLD CHAP, BUT FACT IS-- (ltiC)-WANT YOU TO DECIDE IMPORTANT Q-QUESTION. MvY FREN' HERE -(tie)-SAYS F'LER mayn't EAT -C-cAnRROTs, I sAY-(/icN)-v'LER may. NOW THEN-(hic)-WHAT D' YOU SAY?" [ API:IL . A Few Motions: To aE MADE BY MR. FUN, M.P., AND THOSE AMONGST HIS CONTRIBUTORS wno, LIKE HIMSELF, POSSESS A SEAT. ' MONDAY.-To move that all bribes that have ever been received by Chancellors, from LOaD BACON downwards, so far as it is possible to realize them, be applied to the reduction of the Malt Tax. As it is to be expected that there will be a considerable surplus after the gap in the revenue for several years has been filled up, such surplus be applied in forming a pension fund for widows and orphans of those who have been made implements for filling lofty official pockets. TUESDAY.-To move that MR. ROEBUCK be appointed Lecturer on Political Economy to the Maories; his stipend to consist of as many halfpence as he can get in addition to the kicks which he will un- doubtedly receive from the aboriginal tribes of New Zealand. THURSDAY. -To move that Ma. NEWDEGATE and MaR. WHALLEY be appointed Old Women in Ordinary to the National Church. FRIDAY.-To move that anonymous gentlemen, who may be caught in league with emphatic members of the House of Commons, and whose practice it is to roam about the lobby with apparently insidious designs, be at once given into the custody of the Black Rod, and thereupon incarcerated in an unfinished committee-room, and fed on blue-books for a week. That such of these anonymous gentlemen as shall be discovered to be of weak intellects, but of strong digestion, be caged and hung in the corridors of the House for the especial diver- sion of strong-minded females. POINTED RE-MARKS. WE see in the Art Gossip of our contemporaries, that Mn. MAnKS'S picture for the next Royal Academy will be "The leggars are coming to Town." This is not a very polite allusion, just as ton is returning to London for the season. A Fall, but no Omen. Ax impetuous member, rushing through a swing door into the House of Commons the other evening, had the good fortune to knock LonD PALMERSTON down. We say "good fortune," because nobody in the House besides has been able to upset him as yet. ASTRONOMICAL. WE are enabled to state positively that all the jokes relating to crinoline are not used up. For instance: Why do ladies wear such extraordinary things as crinoline ?--Because all the heavenly bodies move in eccentric circles. A Queer Query. A coRREsroNDENT-who, of course, signs himself A:Constant Sul- scriber "-asks whether finctus officii means alarmed at red tape." We believe not. It is a quotation from an obscure Latin poem, descriptive of the pearl fisheries, and is taken from a passage which speaks of the pearl-diver overtaken by a shark as "functus o' fishy eye." EPIGRAM. ON AN ArrseOACHIxG MARRIAGE. OHI, hapless AA insecure thy lot, In wedding one of those mysterious brothers! He may slip through the matrimonial knot As easily as he has slipt through others. STERN CHAsszEs.-The "Arms of the Law. 'id bIy .i .DD xe ..SS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-treet, and P .b-lhed (lor the Proprietors) by CI1ARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-,treet, E.C.-April 1, 1865. --r i 1 1 Q M I THE POOR CITY CLERK. BY JovE, how it pours! Would I were in doors, And snug and asleep in my bed, bed Last night I was late; Oh, dear, my poor pate, I really feel very near dead, dead. But though only nine, The carts in a line '; Right over you splutter the slosh, slosh. , And all through the morn, With a very bad cern, I must rush after business and bosh, bosh. To this or that dock, Wet through to the sock, 'Mid bustle and blackguards and slop, slop. A short time for lunch, Not turtle and punch, But a burnt and a shrivelled up chop, chop. So thus the day goes, Leaving smuts on your nose, And a horrible patch on your face, face. At last, late at eve, The city you leave, For your train there's a terrible race, race. When you live out of town, And have to go down A jolly long way for your feed, feed. And the lights are so dim, And the old gents so grim, That you can't have a smoke or a read, read. Ah! oh, what a bore, When you know that it's for A wearisome number of years, years. But stay let me end, Or else I shall blend This elegant poem with tears, tears. APRIL 8, 1865.] FUN. Apropos de Labienus. OUBTLESS we have in our time I, said some hard things about our faithful ally" over the water. Hoe and his doings have filled many a column in our illustrious peri- odical; consequently it was with considerable astonishment that we received a letter with the Paris postmark, and which on investiga- tion turned out to be an autograph 2 Letter from lhis Imperial Majesty. I ~ Other journalists might, perhaps, have been overpowered at the .... ...... ,' greatness of the honour thus ac- corded to them, and have printed the imperial rescript in the largest type, and in the most promi- nent place in their papers. But we are above that sort of thing, and are besides too much in the habit of receiving letters from illustrious writers to be overcome by a trifle of that sort. So merely remarking mentally, What the (word not mentionable in polite society, but commencing with a D) does he want?" we broke the seal, and read-the epistle was not marked private, or its inviolability, even when coming from that quarter, would have been sacred to us- as follows:- "The Tuileries, March 28, 1865. "MY DEAn FUN,-If I may call you so after the many hard things you have said of me at various times; but I bear no malice, like the great Roman whose life I have and am still writing, I hold it to be a folly to bear malice which you have no opportunity of gratifying. Still, I do think it hard that when all the other English papers have given critiques of my magnum opus, you alone have as yet abstained from noticing it, treating it, so, to say, with a contempt which, considering that the book is written by a crowned head, is galling-I mean no pun on the ancient name of France-in the extreme. Even here in France have I not invited criticism on the book ? though somehow-why I am quite at a loss to divine-the best writers seem to shrink from the task, and only the second-rate men give the public the benefit of their opinions on he Vie de Ccesar. Perhaps the trifling example I have made of M. RoGEARD, whom I should dearly like to catch, may have had a slightly deterrent effect on them; though really, to tell you the truth, I am not quite certain that I have acted with my usual sagacity in prosecuting that par- ticularly libellous individual, seeing that his disgusting brochure is read all the more from the fact of the author having been condemned to five years' imprisonment, which I don't see much chance at present of his undergoing. Or it may be the existing press laws, which I own are not particularly calculated to engender freedom of discussion. Still, there, my people can't have everything; and possessing as they do the most paternal government in the world, which regulates nearly all their daily actions, and prevents them the trouble of almost thinking for themselves, to say nothing of pulling down their houses A la mode Haussmann, what can they want more ? But they do, the ungrateful wretches; they want liberty of speech, and they shan't have it. Liberty in the abstract they may have, but nothing more ; it wouldn't be good for them. Besides, it might make them discon- tented, and then I should be under the painful necessity of shooting them down in the streets, which is most unpleasant-especially for the persons shot. "So, you see, I am forced to turn to foreign countries for a true opinion of my literary labours, and I take it as most unkind that you of nearly all the English papers should abstain from criticising my work. Now do, there's a good fellow, notice it. Abuse it if you like, I can't touch you, so you've no cause to refrain on that score. Abuse me even; you've done it before, and will again, I dare say. If not for my sake, think of my poor publishers. A notice from you would be invaluable. In short, do anything you like, only don't treat with contempt La Vie de Cesar, per "Louis NAPOLEON." Etymology in the States. OUn American cousins must certainly be congratulated on their ingenuity in inventing eupheuisms.When their vice-president appears before the Senate in a state for which any magistrate in our worn-out and effete old country would have fined him five shillings, the American newspapers describe it as "incoherence." In one sense, however, MB. LINCOLN may be congratulated on his colleague, for if ever a vice-president had a right to the first part of his title, ANDREW JOHNsON, formerly a Tennessee tailor, is the man. Tas FEE-smnple.-A Lawyer's. Lincoln's Letter to John Bull. ONE day AmE to JOHN 'PULL wrote thus: Sir, I have never forgotten the Trent, Or the rascally ship Alabama, To the Southern rebels you sent ; Our foes whom you treated as friends, sir, And supplied with both weapons and grub; While you took every pretext how slight Your American cousins to snub. "You harboured those horrible raiders, Which annoyed us no doubt a good deal; While the only revenge that we got, sir, Was the hanging of poor CAPTAIN BEALE. But the rebels by SHERMAN and GRANT, sir, Are beaten and almost destroyed; And we trust, once the Union's restored, Our arms will be bettor employed. "We intend (that's, of course, if we're able), And we hope, sir, and trust it won't vex, That fine little bit of a country You own beyond us to annex. And worse far than that I may tell you, That Ireland soon shall be free, For the Fenians all down from Chicago Are going to go over the sea. "So when you are fighting us here, sir, Being whipped very fairly, I guess, At home then with rebels and raiders, You'll find yourself in a fine mess. And now, sir, my letter's concluded, For I've got nothing further to say; So, hoping to hear from you shortly, Excuse me for saying, Good day.' "P.S. I forgot, sir, to mention The enclosed little bill you might think on, And send the amount per return To your affectionate cousin, ABE LINcoLN. "To MR. Joux BULL." An Organized Movement. IT is stated that all organs-even worn-out ones-find a ready market in the Caucasus. We should hope the hint will be taken and that a subscription will be started, with MiR. BAss's handsome donation at the head, to provide a passage to the Caucasus for all our organ- grinders. No doubt the partiality of Mt. DISRAEL1 for the discordant bray of the Conservative organs can be traced to this cause, and the reason is, therefore, no Caucasian mystery. The Big Book Bound in Blue. I xHAVE handled many a volume, but I always got right through, Till I chanced one day to light upon a big book bound in blue; 'Twas what they in the Houses of our Parliament still print, A mass of facts and figures with just now and then a hint. 'Twas a Blue Book, folderol do rido, A big book, folderol do lay, You must keep your eyes open wide 0, To read such a volume any day. We have seen that a very few read them, and well Ma. EWART has told, How many are merely waste paper, at twopence a pound to be sold; That the facts they contain might better be in a form more compact to the view, And that merely a waste of the public cash is a big book bound in blue. So Blue Books, folderol do rido- Big books, folderol de lay, Henceforth will another plan be tried 0, Ye have long since had your day. WHERE THERE'S A WILL. THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH is supposed to have been concerned in the production of M. JULFs LAcitoix's Will of Casar, which is to be brought out shortly at the Francais. Well, we don't know what we may think of his will, but we are quite sure we don't like his (s)way. VOL. VIll ) 31 [APRIL 8, 1865. FUN. LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN. No. 18.-THE PAIIuNG M.P. "SPEECH is silver, but silence is golden," said some wise philosopher; and the maxim has been amply proved to be true. And if, as compared with the silver of speech, silence be golden, then the People's Palace at Westminster can boast of possessing a collection of precious images such as no other country can rival. In times of struggle, how many mute' members gather in the louse, and crowd the benches on both sides-" all silent and all "-prepared to vote. III addition to these, there are numerous most useful members (that is, useful to the whip of their party), who are not only voiceless, but oven invisible. If they ever broke silence, it would be to sing the concerted piece- I- Happy-li ppy pair.'' Those gentlemen are the dominoes with which the whips on either side play a little game before going into a division. The illustration is a good one, because the pairing members are not all of the same value. Some are double sixes, and some, even, doable blanks. We relmber an d rops story of story of such a game as this, which we will venture to relate, in thie hope of enlivening the instruction which makes tlhes; lectures so nourishing to young political students. The two whips were settling their pairs on one occasion, and the Whig whip ollbrcd his Tory brother-official a blank, in the shape of a very infirm M.'., who seldom or never visited the House. "Pshaw!" said the Tory, "I won't have him. lHe's been down with the gout for months, mand can't stir a finge-r." I'll bring 1dm down on a stretcher to vote, if you don't pair him," was tho answer. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll pair old LOD -- with him." "Oh, come, now, that's not bad. He's in Scotland." No, he isn't." lie was yesterday, or the day before, then! " Ho's on his way to town. I'll pair him with you, if you like." You're suro he's coming to town F" "Quite sure." Very well, then, we'll pair him with ." And so they did; and the Tory whip was right; his lordship was corning to town by the train-but it was in order to be buried in the family tult! We .0o not expect any of ouri students to be quite such devoted adhoients as to feel prepIared to make themselves useful in the way old loIu) did; but it is very possible that some of them may becomio silent pairs. They may become so in two ways. They may begin at once as muteo dominoes ; or they may fly at higher game to begin with, and afterwards come down to this level. In either case they will be ornaments of the House, idols of their party, and a blessing to the reporters, who look on Parliament in a very dillbrent light from the general world. When Mi. GLADSTONE rises to speak, for instance, the public thinks to itself, "Now for a treat! But the reporter only grips his pencil savagely, and thinks, "Now for a couple of hours of close shorthand noting." But the mute M.P. is beloved of thie reporters ; and if lie also is absent it makes their hearts grow fonder, because there is more chance of a count out. For this reason our young students will be the more satisfied to assume the roid, because they thereby assure the favour and support of the press. Although it seems the simplest thing in thle world to sit still and keep your mouth shut, there are many men who possess so much of their other's nature as to make it almost impossible for them to per- form even that duty of senatorship. The best way in which our young students can learn to exercise the golden virtue of silence is for them to go to thie House at every oppor- tunity, and listen attentively to such members as Muit. NEWDC l.ATE, Slc GEORGE GrEY, SIR CHARLES WOOD, 1li1. PolE HIENNESSY, Loou RolnEtT CECIL, and LORD RBERIT 1TONTAGU. By listening to tlte speeches into which these noblemen and gentlemen are betrayed by their possession of the gift of articulation, our young friends will learn that silence may be thle only means of preserving themselves from a sus- picion of blatant idiocy or raving lunacy. A Drop too much. A.toNo the curiosities from the Chinese Emperor's summer palace, now oxhil)iting in London, is a flask of liquid called "Essence of Crocodile," which is alleged (and those who allege it are alligators, of course, and ought to know) that a drop of it produced such excitement of the brain that it kills after a brief fit of intoxication. We should think that so fatal a poison can only be distilled from the well- known Crocodile's tears." PROLOGUE FOR A NEW PLAY. To BE SPOKEN BY MR. B---s---E. LADIES and gentlemen, soon will the curtain rise, And scenes resplendent entertain your eyes; Whilst every act will agitate your hearts, For all my actors always know their pats. The play is one which no man can asperse, Some part in prose and some in flowing verse ; The plot's divine, and if a fault there be, Disputes must lie 'tween the author don't and me. Long, long ago the public lost its voice, It now in things dramatic has no choice. In days gone by a hiss was sometimes heard, But now folks sit as still as roosted bird- Save when a manager, aglow with pride, Summons the plaudit ready cut and dried. Then from the "gods and from tile pit below Let raptures in a torrent ebb and flow. The scheme of this new play I'll now reveal (Let men not judge an author prone to steal) Wonder on wonder heaps the growing plot, Sensation in three spasms reeking hot. (tanyg lines a,v occuiedd by a pangyric w/ich- does wot, of course, i-veal the scheme, but merely titivates the appetitee) Now, gentry, bid your ears attention lend, Whils.t gods dramatic bounteous blessings send; Just watch this frame, and mark my speaking face- To be heard hissing is a great disgrace. Prepare your palms and as each actor comes, And if in clapping you disjoint your thumbs, I won't complain, but dress your wounds myself, So long as you will grant me praise and pelf. (At the end of this exordium MIE. B-- cI- T's ghost to appear, and with rebukiny finger glide across the stage and disappear among lt/ footlights.) RECENT APPOINTMENTS. M]. HARmIsoX AriswoRnT is not to be appointed Constable of the Tower of London. ADMIRAL FITZRtOY during the Equinox is to take rank as Admiral < the Bloew. The poet who on a recent occasion devoured one hundred and ninety-five oysters, is to be the next "lor lie ate " The gentleman who lately quitted his house without settling with his landlord is to be gazetted shortly as a "left-tenant." BULLY MONOPOLY. Addressed to the lNorthern Railways, in acknoicledymeit of their patriotic to prevent the Great Eastern Railway froni giving London coal 3s. per ton cheaper than at present. WE'RE a couple of bullies, we'll do as we like, We're possessed of great interest both sides of the House; Let minnows look out, for the Big Bully Pike Will beat all opponents in matters of nous. Let the people go shiver so long as we're warm, A good dividend's all that weo care to secure; We're big and thick-skinned, and can bear any storm That heaven can send or that man can endure. We know that half London is starved by the cold, That much meat goes uncooked because fuel is dear But we'll see the Great Eastern to sausages rolled, Ere we'll lend her proposals a listening ear. Three shillings a ton! why, the fools must be mad- They would cuttheir own throats and impoverish our purses; If the people will pay and their coin's to be had, What boots if the poor give us blessings or curses ? "Oh! jolly monopoly! few things are so sweet! And we'll make all the Conimmons House dance to our music." Go, covetous bullies your coal dust on your feet, For your greed is sufficient to make o'en a Jew sick! WHAT is the difference between a careful pemnan and a coiner ? The former dots his i's," and the latter hots his dies. APRIL 8, 1865.] F U N. CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MOUCHARD. SMITH.-The great EDMUNDS scandal seems to improve as it goes on, doesn't it ? BtoWm.-Yes; political jobbery is not new, nor is swindling the public altogether unknown; but for a delicious mixture of the two peculiarities combined the present investigation seems unequalled. SmaIT.-And apparently nobody comes out of it with clean hands except Loen BROUGHAM, and he seems more sinned against than sinning. BrowN.- Ah it would, indeed, be sad if "the old man eloquent" were proved a party to the eccentric transactions-not to put too fine a point upon it-of the parties concerned. SMITH.-I don't think it exactly judicious of the Lords' Committee to sit with closed doors. BtowN.-Their idea is evidently to keep it dark. SMITH.-May be; but it seems like carrying coals to Newcastle, considering that the whole affair is remarkably shady. BRowN.-It strikes me the Portuguese authorities have put their feet in it, firing on the American vessels. SMITH.-Yes; BROTHER JONATHAN don't stand much of that sort of thing from any one, still less from a small power like -Portugal. BRowN.-What a Godsend it will be for the American papers; won't they write screamers upon the subject. SMITH.-Yes; and I shall be very much astonished if in the end the Portuguese don't become "screamers" also, if they have to pay an indemnity. BRowaN.-I'm afraid CAPTAIN GaosVEonR'S chances of representing Westminster in the next Parliament are becoming malll by degrees and beautifully less." SMITH.-So it would appear from the meeting last -week. One might say of the electors as MR. Purr in the Critic says, "when electors do agree their unanimity is wonderful." BaRow.-The Westmonasterians are evidently of a pugilistic turn of mind. SMITH.-How so ? BRowaN.-Why, they think that if their borough is to be represented in Parliament, they prefer, instead of a GnOsvENOR, to have a MILL. for it. SMITH.-If the MrLL will only have them for constituents. SMITH.-They've abolished capital punishment in Italy except in the cases of martial law and brigands. BRnow.-And a capital punishment for those latter gentry; brutes who rob and murder for the mere love of the thing. SM3ITH.-Woll, they are not exactly nice persons for. a sociable tea- party, so I don't think anybody will complain about their extinction; even the strongest advocates would be content to stretch a point when they axe concerned. BaOWN.-Ay, and a rope too, with a brigand at the end of it. SONG OF THE BRITISH BARD. Dedicated by the Author's permission to the shade of LoRD BYRON, and considered by him to be a slightly superior production to the feeble attempt in a similar line by that RPoet. [IT is but fair to the author of the following lines to remark that we have ascertained that they were written at an early hour of the morning, and (we regret to say) after too free an indulgence in a certain inferior French wine commonly known as GLADSTONE'S claret." To point out to what a melancholy state a noble mind may be reduced by yielding to habits of intemperance, is our only excuse for allowing the production a place in these pages.-EDITOR.] THE isle of beef, the isle of beef, Where portly BANTING bloomed and sung; Where grow the sheep with heavy fleece, Where Leicesters thrive and shorthorns sprung. The dreary winter chills us yet, And, outside it is pouring wet. The fountains play in Trafalgar-square, And NELSON'S voice-it seemed to me- Asked me as Isat musing there, When will my lions finished be ?" For standing on Trafalgar's pave, I pondered how much the public gave. A man sat on a lofty seat, And drove his 'bus down Holborn-hill; And men by thousands pass beneath, And one poor youth he chanced to kill. And so they will be killed until They level that infernal hill. And where is LAMniisT ? W'Where art thou, My BoissY p Is thy tuneless voice Still heard in the French senate hall, To make thine enemies rejoice, Thou greatest laughing-stock of Gaul ? And should that liar almost sublime Be mentioned in such strains as mine What, silent still ? and silent all? Ah no-the voices of the cats Unite in a tremendous squall; Can any sound on earth boat that, As vhen they shriek with powerful lung, Our hour of assignation's come ?" For mercy's sake, strike other chords, Fill high the cup with GLADSTONE'S wine; Leave battles to the Yankee hordes, And;shed the blood of Gallia's vine. Hark! rising in that dreadful squall, They answer to each other's call.(') You have the British drama yet- Where is the English opera gone ? Of two such subjects why neglect The nobler, the sublimer one ? You have the claret GLADSTONE gave- To drive the drinker to his grave ? Fill high the bowl with GLADSTONE's wine, We will not start a tPanEsrIAN theme; It made KEAN, senior's, r6les sublime, Who acted SHAKESPEARE well, I ween. But unlike now, our actors then Were still at least orw ountrymen.() The greatest tyrant we have seen, Was SHAKESPEAME's best but feeblest friend, That tyrant was the younger KEAN (3) Oh! that the present hour mayn't send Another despot of the kind ! His voice would drive a rabid jackass blind. () Look not for freedom 'mongst the Franks, They have a king who writes and sells A Life of Cwsar, that doubtless ranks With works of other noted swells. But native press and critics dread To touch one hair of Ctu:sAI's head. Fill high the bowl with GLADSTONE'S wine, Our virgins dance upon the stage; I've seen their dazzling shoulders shine,Q() And minded how one, late the rage, Filled ASTrLEY'S, though her acting's crude, By doing Mazeppa nearly nude. Place me up somewhere awful steep,(0) Where cats will trouble me no more- Where nothing will disturb my sleep; There, hog-liko, let me lie and snore. I will not write another line- Dash down yon cup of GLADSTONE'S winee) (1) The constitute n of mind of that man who can read these touching lines without being deeply iffea ed, is little to be envied. (a) Let it be for ever rimemnbered as an eternal stigma on our dramatic profession, that within the past month "aBATEMAN, a FEiCTP.1a, and a DONATO," all foreigners, have engrossed th- public attention to the almost total exc lsion of native la0lent. It is perhaps, however, bat dly fair to cite the last-nentined performer as a re- proach to British artistes, fnr we can hardly expect them (although such awas the jealousy created in the ballet world by the popularity of this artist, that for some time the most dreadful rumours prevailed as to the intentions of certain celebrated danseurs) to undergo a dangerous amputation for the purpo-e of gratifying the public taste by tranbsoru ing themselves into human tectotunis. (3) When this tragedian shall be able to exclaim at the close of a five-act drama, with the pri sent favourite of the Frenich stage, Encore ue role que je nvius de career sans suur !" the author will be happy to modify his opinion. (4) I here record my protest against the supposition that tiny explanation or apology is necessary tor the introduction of this somewhat unusual metaphor. It is to be regretted that of all modern poets SHELLEY and myself, who exceed all others both in tihe gorgeousness of our imagery and the hapty facility with whichh we draw the most attkling iimiles from the simplest feutures of domestic life, should be so little understood by thegeneial render. In peruriing ourpoemni it would be well to bear in mind Col.lr.noHK' admirable rule, '4 When you cannot understand an author's ignorance, recount itourself ignoi ant of his uIdei standing." (5) It is conceived that a little le-s flour or pearl powder would not have di- mlni-hed the lustre. (6) Poetic idea luogested by reading Letters from a L'ghthouse." (7) It is perhaps sapein flus to ieoiarck that the threat contained in the last line is only to be ullerstoom nitu taiphorically. The cutp,)'" which happened on this occa- sion to as-ume the form of a v lass tumbler, was the property of the poet's landicay, and should lie, carried away in his burst of impassioned qituence, have or gotten himself so far as to d stroy thie said "cultp, there is little doubt that he would have found it figuring a trtig the items of his weekly bill, and charged at a trille more than treble its original value. 3IF' UJ iN [APRIL 8, 1865. """4WVEEKL~ ON th TOO BAD. Mr. Tompkins to Conductor (who has drawn up in the middle of the road) :-"DRAw UP TO THI CURB; I CAN'T GT DOWN IN THE MUD." Conductor (in a voice audible to everyone inside):-" BILL, JUST DRAW UP TO THE CUtB, AS THERE'S A GEMMAN INSIDE AS CLEANS '18 OWN BOOTS!" THE 'VARSITY BOATS. FEW things are more sweet in this queer world of ours Than a holiday trip to the banks of the Thames, With some charming companion to quit the grey towers Of dull London, and roam where bright quivering gems On the breast of the tide drink the rays of the sun, And dazzle the eyes of the prettiest girl (Though used she may be to the odds ten to one, And the.soft waving light of her gold-dusted curl). Ah! lips that are mellow and eyes that are dim With the light of a love which is only just fledged! Ah features revealing a humour that's grim, And a nature 'tween betting and suicide wedged! Ah 1 fingers whose whiteness quite dazzle the gaze, And fingers invading the easy frock-coats- Lips, features, and fingers, all join in the praise Of the jolly young crews of the 'Varsity Boats. There are days in one's life when the blood takes a leap, And carries us back to the time when as boys We never the afternoon chapels could keep, Each spurring as hunters his hobbledehoys. Oh those juvenile days! when the cap and the gown Made us think of iambics we never once wrote; For our thoughts fled away from both college and town, And sought a retreat in the 'Varsity Boat. Though now we are old perhapss a leetle bit bald, And a trifle obeser than when we were young), We still look with joy on the boys when they're stalled For the race, and we'd yell though we hadn't a lung. Laugh, Father Thames, and with wine-crowned cup Give a toast which shall echo where gay bunting floats; Old men and old maidens shall take the cry up- A grand national cheer for the 'Varsity Boats! Taken for Grant-ed. THE unhappy Congress of the Northern States of America are in a most agreeable dilemma. They can't, for the life of them, find anybody to toady to. Their flunkeyism can't find vent anywhere, for everybody pertinaciously refuses to do anything brilliant or deserving of glorifi- cation. So what have they done ? Here's a telegraphic despatch of the-remarkable proceeding:- "A gold medal and an address have been voted by Congress to be presented to GENERAL GRANT." A gold medal to GENERAL GRANT NAPOLEON said that there is a marshal's baton in every French soldier's knapsack. May it not now be said that there is a gold medal and a vote of Congress in the pocket- book of every stick-in-the-mud in the Federal States ? But when no merit is to be found, it must be taken for granted. The General whom the Congress delighteth to honour has flung battalions to destruction, and sacrificed regiments to no purpose. He has a gold medal and a vote of Congress. Surely BUTLER ought to have some- thing more than his dismissal. And couldn't something be awarded to ANDREW JOHNsON for the brilliant genius he displayed in getting jolly well drunk ? If Congress adopts this course of going down the scale, instead of up, to find objects for their country, what a nice aristocracy there will be when a military despot reigns over America! A CIVIL SERVICE CON. WHY is a Government office like a bet of five to two? Because it's "ten to four." IF TJ N.-ArxIL 8, 1865. PATENT \Ifl c F M Lr-- , SETTLING DAY. A Story of the Times. Theatre Royal, Westminster. Mrs. Britannia:-" SPEAK, HARRY, SPEAK! OH, SAY IT IS NOT TRUE " AriL 8, 1865.] F U 1 37 fun in parliautnf. E find lunatic asylums are coming into fashion again as lumber-rooms for inconvenient relatives. On Friday night LonD MALMESBURY / canvassed DOCKNALL's case. An unhappy Durham bookseller was confined on slight evidence. When liberated, he sought redress from the Government; failing, he com- mitted suicide. A county magis- trate named JOHNSO signed the order of committal. Lolu GRAxN- VILLE tried to shelter him, but the Lords wouldn't stand it. He is to be examined before the Lord Chancellor, and if he is not struck C' off the commission of the peace, it S will be an encouragement to bullet- c i headed county magistrates in the loftiness of their ignorance to violate the elementary principles of the English charters. CHIEF JUSTICE MONAHAN was walked over the coals this evening, charged with blas- phemy. Smn ROBERT PEEL said that no imputation was intended to be cast upon the Protestant justices-that an oath did not mean much, and generally smoothed matters. Probably the Chief Justice will think of his soul when he finds that his oaths don't 'arn him favour in an English Parliament. The matter of the Greek pensions is to be looked after. The subjects of the KING OF THE HELLENES don't get paid regularly. Poor fellows! but they are not singular. The Thames is getting troublesome again. One wants it contracted; another wants it developed. Between the two they'll doubtless set it on fire one of these days. Fancy a digest of blue books for public reading! This is decimal EWART'S idea. The measure might be useful, as the par- liamentary literature is at present simply a wilderness. The Lords did nothing on Monday, except agree to MARQUIS op WESTMEATH'S motion for the production of papers relating to a girl thrashed for Protestantism by Catholic friends. In the House of Commons the patents creating episcopal sees in the colonies were dis- cussed, whence it appeared that a colonial bishop is no one in particular; he is an item thrown to the surface by the voluntary principle; he is a straw with no particular wind to blow it any particular way-a ship without a flag on a great ocean. People at home don't recognize him, and abroad he is an anachronism. MA. VILLIEsx followed up this by introducing a very dry subject-the Union Chargeability Bill. As the present system of rating is bad, this bill can hardly do harm. The thing would be, however, in our opinion, to put gaolbirds and paupers on similar food. It is no good equalizing rates if we don't equalize benefits. Sin R. KNIGHTLEY deprecated further legislation because of the ignorance of the House. Be! if this is to go on, we shall get no legislation at all. A lot of people said a great deal on both sides, but the result was that the bill was read a second time by a majority of 72. There was subsequently a blow-up about Canada, but as LORD ELGsO is going to bring the whole affair on again on the 14th of April, we defer comment. The Lords sat for an hour on Tuesday, but their sitting resulted in the hatching of nothing nameable. Mn. CocHEANE put on the gloves in the House of Commons. There was a personal explanation to be made about those blessed Greek pensioners. Why isn't Loun DERBY appointed Comptroller of Greek Pensions in honour of his celebrated efforts to make England acquainted with the rich literature of that people? Mit. ROEDUCK put a satirical finger in the pie, and drew the fire on himself. He was extinguished by the Speaker, and the waters were pacified. Mn. D. GmsirFTn doesn't see why the Postmaster- General should always be a peer. Our view of the question is that the Lord Chancellor should have the post, because if he keeps the QUEEN'S conscience, it seems only reasonable that he should have the management of the QUEEN's head. He would also have more scope . for helping his relatives. We feel bound to fight shy of the Irish Church, about which there was a great discussion. All we think is that 'i Irishmen should be allowed to say their prayers in their own fashion. I MR. GRANT DUFF said the Irish establishment is a sham. WHITESIDE was eloquent, and the whole thing collapsed-pricked by a motion for the adjournment of the House. The House of Commons went to the dogs on Wednesday-and Irish dogs of all animals in the world. These brutes destroy flocks of sheep in the Emerald Isle; but one would think that Irishmen might exterminate their own dogs without coming to Parliament to ask for assistance. Why doesn't Tearem keep his own breed in order ? If he doesn't, what iu.e is he? The scheme is to register the animals. Register them! wouldn't it be better to civilize them, give them the franchise, and make LoanRD ABERLEY their keeper ? Chemists and druggists are in for an examination. Sim F. KELLY promises to be a useful reformer this year. But if chemists are to be examined, ought not apprentices also to undergo a preliminary, to ensure their capacity for reading, at least, a little Latin ? Poor l[Auirni TWELVETRaES was lugged into the debate, out of which Sim J. SHELLE"Y kindly helped hiau. The druggists, &c., are referred to a select committee. The great thing done in the Lords on Thursday was an announce- ment by EARL GRANVILLE that he should move on the 7th of April that the House be adjourned to the 27th. In the House of Commons Mul. H. B. SHERIDAN gave notice of his intention to put some questions about the imprisonment of unconvicted prisoners. Doubtless many innocents are locked up and made extremely uncomfortable, but it would be dangerous to give to all unconvicted prisoners easy chairs, government pens and paper to hatch up defenses with. A little too much legislation in this direction will spoil our penal system. Finsbury Cox thinks something ought to be done to amend the Ea.rly Closing Act (public-house). So does the Government. Ergo, nothing will be done for a year or two. It seems pretty well settled that Cary- street is to be the site of the new Law Courts, in spite of our represen- tation that it must do barristers good to stretch their legal legs a little. A discussion on the Irish Court of Chancery, on the Metropolitan homeless poor, and a few other domestic matters, brought down the nightcap of the House on less than forty members, who were accordingly counted out. MISS MODESTY ABOUT TOWN. Miss MODESTY 's a charming girl, Born far away from town; Her forehead is one. mass of curl, Her eyes are tender brown; Her lips look fresher than the dew, Each check can boast a dimple, Her nose-what can be said of few- Is Grecian, pure and simple. A pretty winning piece of goods As ever walked or sat; She wears the sweetest of all hoods Beneath the smartest hat. A veil just ventures o'er her clhin Whilst round her head's a feather: She certainly was made for naught But very finest weather. Yet as she walks along the Strand In clegantest boots, And passes clerks who loitering stand About the bank of COUTTS, She pouts her pretty lip and thinks What most unmannered fellows, Forgetting perhaps no iron's made hot Without a pair of bellows. Miss Modesty's indignant quite; Why should folks stand and stare ? Is't seldom that a Cockney wight Sees maiden who is fairF Yet grey hairs also turn their eyes With most unsaglike twinkle; Ahl! thinks Miss Modesty, these wise Havo slept like RIP VAN WINKLE. No doubt in time long since gone by No girl well-dressed was seen ; Folks thought silk dresses all my eye ; And as for crinoline! Ah! those were days, and doubtless some Of these old fools are sleepers, Who wake up at long intervals (Like most of our park-keepers). Miss Modesty can't bear the gaze Of such a lot of men; "They are so rude and have such ways, And laugh and wink, and then- Oh, everybody knows of course Their conduct is atrocious; I'll leave this place, become a blue, And lose myself in Go hIus." 38 FT TOWN TALK. E THE LUNCHER AT IHE PUBS. T is to be hoped tO that there is no t foundation for the rumours floating about in society to the effect that certain "officious and not valiant'" friends of the PRINCE OF WALES WA are anxious, like "CORIOLANUS'S sup- Sports, to shame him with enforced succours. It is a said that the princely income S must be increased; ,.. and one of the i reasons alleged for book. is aso doing is, that S the withdrawal of ii the QUEEN from the Royal duties entails a heavy expenditure on the heir to the throne. If so, it is surely not to the public, which is incon- venienced, and I might almost say injured, by HER MAJESTY's retirement, that assistance should be looked for. What the Sovereign would herself expend were she performing the queenly duties, should be paid out of the proper funds for that purpose -and, what is more, I believe is paid. The meddling toadies who are trying to buy favour with money which is not their own, are as ignorant as they are ill-judging, and will, I think, find they have made a woful mistake. They have misinterpreted the wishes of the PRINCE, and they have risked his well-deserved popularity with the public. The "first gentleman of Europe" would have appreciated their service; ALiiERT EDWARD PRINCE OF WALES will see through them. WHAT is the EiPEROR OF TIHE FREtCH dreaming about? Better never to have written the Lsfe of G'esar, than to have written it, invited honest criticism, and pounced with tiger ferocity on the first critic who answered the invitation. Inordinate vanity can be the only excuse for such imbecility. Lucky "Labienus," wh doubted the sincerity of the permit, and made his timely retreat! His acuteness must be on a par with his powers of satire, which are the most trenchant. To read the book is a positive delight-n hacking, no butchery, no clumsiness ! All is done with the dexterity of a Saladin who wields a blade that will, with equal ease and certainty, shear through a silk kerchief, or sever a bar of lead. But bitter as the sarcasm is, it is a fleabite to the severity of the commentary which the modern CEis AR supplies on his own sin- cerity and magnanimity. TrE Eof ieUDS scandal is a rolling stone that does gather moss. Each day fresh facts seem to creep out, and the chief culprit is so terribly penitent and se profuse in his confessions, that it is difficult to say what great name will not be the next to be dragged into this miserable affair. One thing, thank goodness, is certain-neither the Losr CHANCELLOR nore LORD BROUGsAMe will find any difficulty in proving their hands clean, and it is a fact at which all true Englishmen rill rejoice. Apropos of offices and jobs, how noble is the conduct of the Treasury to the clerks who are to be dispensed with at the War Office! Many of them are elderly men, with wives and families dependent on them; and they have served twenty years And the Treasury, in dis- charging them, said, "You are entitled to your quarter's salary or your quarter's notice; but my lords are considering what they shall give you besides as a gratuity," which, like the celebrated piece of furniture that was "A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day," is at once the quarter's salary and the gratuity. By this clever arrangement, a clerk, who has served five years at a salary of Li120, gets, as a gratuity, thirty pounds-the exact sum to which he is entitled by his agreement on dismissal. It is simply an unnecessary act of dishonesty. If nothing had been said about a gratuity the poor fellows could only have grumbled. Now they have had their expecta- tions raised only to be cheated. MAJon LU.MLEY, the ferocious, who challenged his lawyer about a question of twenty pounds, is about to publish a volume of poems. It is the fashion, now-a-days, for any man who has obtained notoriety (favourable or the reverse) in any way, to write a book. But one is sorry to see that the fire-eating major's volume is to bear the imprint of a house which, in the lifetime of its founder, was noted for publish- IN. [APRIL 8, 1865. ing nothing that was not good poetry. I suppose it will be dedicated to Mn. DESBOROUOG, in a palinode. ARE titles becoming extinct, or are people too lazy or too un- scrupulous to take the trouble to create them ? In one week I come on three instances of literary larceny. A volume of poems, not by MR. TENNYSON, is advertised as Songs of Love and .Death (it is not so long since we read Elaine). A story appears in a magazine with the title, " The House with the Seven Chimneys (and HAWTHORNE has hardly been dead a year). And in a new weekly periodical we find "Thu Whispering Gallery" (and that was the name of a similar department in COLBOUeN's "new monthly twenty years ago). I xHAE several times spoken in pretty plain terms my opinion of the conduct of the police. Perhaps there has never been a stronger in- stance of the evils of the present Scotland-yard system than in the case of poor MAR. D[IAKE, who was virtually murdered by the blunder of an innkeeper, the stupidity of a constable, and the incapacity of a police-surgeon. The public has been thrilled to its centre by the ac- count; but we shall have no more-there will be no inquiry. The way in which the police hang together to support a bad case, and the feeble acquiescence of the magistrates, with the regime of the great Sin RicHanD MAYNE, must, before long, bring about an explosion of public indignation. And then let them look out! A Delicate Compliment. LoRm BROUGHAM will, we are sure, feel touched by the delicate compliment paid him by the polite inhabitants of Cannes. They arc about to call .a new place in the town the "Square Brougham." It must be pleasant for his lordship to think that, in spite of the EDMsuND slander, he is known to be all square! MAN THE LIFEBOAT. A coNTEMPOnARY expresses a hope that a recent legal decision, ruling that rescuers of human life from shipwreck are entitled to salvage, will give a further impetus to the Lifeboat movement. We think the com- pliment a poor one to the noble fellows who put out at terrible risk to save the shipwrecked. They are actuated by tender hearts, not by "salvage breasts." NOTES AND QUERIES. AN AFFECTIONATE DAUGHTER is desirous of knowing if she can do anything to cure a fond parent of rheumatics. Of course she can. Let her lay the fond parent on the floor and run up and down her back for a few hours every day. This is an unfailing mode of treatment. Musicus.-We know of no treatise on the instrument, but we should think any professor of music would give you lessons on the shoe- horn. As you conjecture, the first.few bars of the Harmonious Black- smith are iron bars. A COUNTRYMAN.-A cabman does not belong to the Civil Service. Your mistake is a pardonable one however, for if you were to meet with a Government clerk you would hardly guess that he was a civil servant of the public. A THIRSTY SouL.-There is no Act of Parliament to punish you if you drink any of the water of the Trafalgar-square fountains. One reason may be that you would not survive the act long enough to be punished. FITZROY.-Your prognostications are correct. If you hail a cab, the driver will pull up the rein. THE Doox.-Because LonD ROBERT MONTAGU had certain autographs for sale you must not say that he is a man of letters. Indeed, we know of nothing that justify your using such an expression regarding him. We are glad to hear the reason he gives for selling; we always thought he was soft down,* but it appears he is hard up. A LITERARY GENT.-You want a little bit of classic quotation for your leader, and wish to know what is the Latin for "the ceaseless smile of the sea," mentioned, as you observe, by ESCHYLUS, or VIRGIL, or somebody. As you haven't asked for the Greek we shan't tell you, but the Latin is simper eadem. A READER Or THE POETS is desirous of learning what is meant by "Hyacinthine locks." We can't tell. He had better ask CHUBB or BRAMAH-or stay, perhaps hyacinthine locks are those which can be picked. SEE, SIR."-We agree with you that the parallel between the old NAPOLEON and CsESAR is not a perfect one. The parallel between C-aESAi and the present Emperor is complete-a youth of debauchery: a middle age of exile, and an old age of empire. Will the likeness be carried further ? N.B.-Not swan's down, nor eider-duck down, but the down of a bird nearly allied to both. This may appear a riddle, but you will guess the answer at once. APRIL 8, 1865.] FUN. The Sequel and Sad Conclusion of the History of Timothy Truncheon (nee Barrow). Showing ho1w, in his new "walk in life," he avoided the a-basement of kitchen influences, and turned a deaf ear to, those airy tongues that syllable men's names" (MILTON). And how, in the exercise of what he thought a sound discretion, he entered the Matrimonial Market, where an unsatisJie lory article was in-voiced to him, which terminated in disaster- the doctor (who gave the true solution)-and his dis-solution. So now abroad by night and day, TiM's duty was to roam; And, therefore, we need scarcely say, Ho-didn't feel at home. All seemed so strange in this career, His staff, he couldn't grab it; The clothes of the Force felt queer, But that was force of habit. T. T. resolved to persevere, In hopes his parse to fill; His maxim (like the smuggler's) clear, To do his duty still. The servants coaxed, but idle talk Was not his avocation; He gave them plenty of his walk, But little cosersation. Cooks, from the kitchen window, poured Their blandishments in vain; When others gave a railing. word," He never railed again." Yet knowledge for itself he sought, And strove to yield a ration; The highest aim in life, he thought, Was "giving information." But, ah! was mortal ever yet From love's enthralment free? Round all alike he draws the not In his Cupid-ity. One day, when TIM was on his rounds Through squares, upon his ears There fell the most bewitching sounds, Like music of the spheres. He looked aloft--a goddess stood, With flower-pots before her; This syren of the second floor He thought a second FLORA. The melody that voico had shed, Transfixed him like a spell;. He fell in love, right over head, And over ears as well. And soon they passed the sacred porch, To be made one in holy tether; And there, by light of HYMEN'S torch, The pair were linked together. But TiM soon found (too many make An error such as this) That he had made a, sad inis-take In taking such a miss. Not that her mind appeared a waste - He found it tilled and cropped ; Her aspirations all were chaste Though she her h's dropped. Her love for music made the blot; She nothing did but siny, And TIM soon found that he had got No voice-in anything. "I'm doomed," he said, "at morning light To hear her doleful strain, And then when I come home at night She's in her airs again! "That voice of hers so constant chimes, There's nothing will derange it; A note's a note, but still sometimes One feels inclined to change it." At length those once-loved sounds hli loathed- They seemed like shrieks and vwails; His wife appeared a dragon, clothed From head to foot in scales. And being always on the rack (So cruel Fate had planned it), It fairly laid him on his back- Because he couldn't stand it. The doctor came, he shook his head, And frankly owned Ids fears: Do, you not often fool," lie said, A singing in the cars ? " Tim gave a nod: "My wife, my wife! You've hit the true solution ; Each day I feel to shorten life Her cruel execution !" Just then a note (it seemed a squeal) Rang out-the doctor sighed- The peeler heard the last appeal, He bowed his head-and died. JACK BUNOE, his friend, just homo from sosi, That moment chanced to call; "The case," he said, is clear to me- He's gone down in a squall / NAPOLEON AND LIBERTE. SCENE.-The Tuileries. NAPOLEON int his Sanctunn. Enlt'er LIBntaTE. NATOLEON (log.).-What, LIBEKTE, you here again ? I thought you'd left me. LIranTM.-I left you, sire, until you should make up your mind. A bit of tyranny has, however, upset my reckoning, and 1 qome hero again to enforce my claims. NAPOLaON.-To what, LIBERTE, do you refer ? LIBnETE.-M. RoG EAn's banishment, sire. NAPOLEON.-Nay, no banishment-voluntary exile ,. LIBERT.-Ia flying for one's freedom voluntary, ,iSe, and does exile become voluntary when passage from the kingdom is followed by the news of a heavy fine inflicted and imprisonment of the servant of the exilo ? Sire, you trip again. The demon of Republicanism drives you back to tyranny. You promised in the case of Jules CUsar liberty and criticism. Why do you break that promise ? NAProLoN.-Satire is not criticism, LIBEUTE, Labienus it me hard. Must an Emperor be struck and turn the other cheek F LIEnRTE.-Yes, sire, for my sake. NAPOLEON.-Leave me, LIuERTE. Come here no more. I hate thy name. Did my great uncle, great as any C.OsAR, turn t'other cheek when smitten on the one ? Pish Get thee gone-'-I loathe thee ! LnIEnTE.-Unhappy France! I go! When BCONAP'ATE takes his shadow from this throne, and hereditary monarchy rotakoes its seat, then, and then only, I return. Adieu, NirOLEON ! NAPOLEON.-Adieu, LIBEuTE ! LIBEUTE.-I would we need not part. (NAPOLEON turns his back. LInEIaTE glders out of tir tloor. T7w Tuileries lies dark and still in the shadow oJ' a passionate autorrary. LIBERTE returns to her English asylina.) VICE-PRESIDE3 T BACCHUS. [VICE-PRESIDENT AKNDnEW JOHNSON got drunk at the Io-Inaugura- tion of PRESIDENT ABiRAHAM LINcoLN.-All the papers.] TIPPLING Vice-President-type of the mood Which at present pervades all the chiefs of your race -- Obscuring the brain and overheating the blood, Till the wine-cup o'ershadows a deeper disgrace. tUone is the germ of free manhood and pride, Which, derived from old England, was boasted a while; No longer is honour the rule and the guide- Now madness heaps up the grim funeral pile! Oh, JOHNSON thy folly sheds darkness like death. O'er the Democrat's name and the Democrat's throne ' Thy wino-heated words wore enrapt in the breath Which will kill the slight honour the Federals own. We've styled thee BACCHUS-the name is too grand For such swine as thou art, a mero eminent sipk ! This wicked war culminates, Northern men stand . On a treacherous quicksand of shoddy and drink. [APRIL 8, 1865. A THOUSAND WELCOMES. Miss Talby (highly delighted at her welcome):-" AND WHY ARE YOU so PLEASED TO SEE ME, DEAR ?" Dear :-" BECAUSE I HEARD PA TELL MAMMA THEY HAD BETTER ASK YOU TO COME AND SPEND SOME DAYS DOWN HERE WITH US, AS YOU WERE ALWAYS SO KIND, AND GENERALLY BROUGHT LOTS OF PRESENTS FOR THE CHILDREN !" Inquire Below on Everything! As I took up the paper this morning, And conned the advertisements o'er, I suddenly grew quite bewildered, And, indeed, I was puzzled sore; For methought I was down at The Palace," And The Great Fychow Giant" with me, By the light of "Petroleum Candles" Partaking of HoNIMAN's Tea." An "Eureka" of FORD's" I was clothed in; Of "PARR'S Life Pills I swallowed a box; While around me were GrIFFITHS' Fireproof Safes," All filled with DENT'S Watches and Clocks; " With "RECKITT AND SON'S Diamond Blacklead" I very soon polished them o'er, And pondered much whether Kamptulicon" Or "Linoleum" was best for the floor. I wore spectacles called Acromatic," For fear that my eyesight would spoil, And then took a draught-feeling thirsty- Of "DE JONGH'S Light Brown Cod Liver Oil;" "JOHN GOSNELL AND Co.'s Cherry Tooth-Paste " I found was by no means such bosh; "The Magic Donkeys I made to look lovely With "RAcHEL'S Circassian Wash." "MILES'S Trousers" I bought me a pair of, That were made by a "Sewing Machine; " Then I went with the DAVENPORT BROTHERS" To th' Alhambra to look at Fadleen ;" And I thought of the great "MR. BORWIKe," Whose Baking Powder" has such fame; Then with the Reconnoitrer proceeded To carefully "Watch this Frame." Methought "MESSRS. SANGSTER'S Umbrellas" Kept KEEN'S Mustard from getting quite damp, From DinNEFORD's Fluid Magnesia" Pouring down from a GARDNER'S Lamp." I saw "LOCOCK'S Wafers Pulmonic" A-dancing with BUNTER'S Nervine," Which scented with "RIMnEL'S New Perfumes," Wore a new Sansflectum Crinoline." "Revalenta Arabica," guard me! Osteo Eidon, what is it ? "-all right- "Turkish Baths," "BARNES'S Sanatiye Fluid," Are things I look on with delight. ROWLAND'S Kalydor" rises before me, So not feeling perfectly sane, With a bottle of KINAHAN'S Whisky," I'll go home in The Workmen's Train." COMING TO THE SCRATCH. WHEN the Federals entered Fort Sumter the only living creatures left in it were a cat and six little ones. An immense capture of the enemy's kits was telegraphed at once to New York, and mention was made of a hope that, owing to certain clause in the treaty the enemy would fail to come to the scratch from a feline of alarm. These reports were spread to a-mews only. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WUYTF. at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 8, 1865 FUN. APRIL 15, 1865.] FU N. JOTTINGS FROM JOURNALS. "THE Bishop of Oxford," says the Pall 3Sall Gazette, has been called to account by the ABBE ROGERSON for his assertion in convoca- tion that there were 750 suspended priests driving cabs in the city of Paris." Without impugning the correctness of his lordship's state- ment, we are curious to learn whether these quondam clerical Jehus, on being paid the legal fare by their employers, invariably give them their blessing, and whether, perchance, it ever assumes the form adopted on a similar occasion by our London cabmen. WVE learn from the Gibraltar Chronicle that the QUEEN OF SPAIN is about to make a present to the SULTAN OF Monocco of a battery of four rifled cannon, with their ammunition and field equipment." We trust that his highness will not consider it necessary, at some future period, to return the compliment Jby giving a series of balls to the officers of Her Majesty's army. As a specimen of "Ye Sportes and Pastimes of ye British Youth," in the nineteenth century, we quote the following case from the morning papers :-Four youths, under seventeen years of age, whose exploits shed a passing lustre on the suburb of Kennington, appear to have found considerable diversion in waylaying an inoffensive old man, robbing him, and after having stripped him stark naked, beating him within an inch of his life, "so that he had to walk home at night bruised and naked, with nothing on him" (as the learned judge, with a touch of grave humour, observed) "except mud." On being called on for their defence, these playful creatures suggested that they only did it for a "lark." The learned baron, who had his doubts about the propriety of calling it a "skylark," but who probably would not have objected so much to the term "nmudlark," considered that the sooner such jolly dogs made the acquaintance of the "cat" the better. Ac- cordingly the two that were found guilty were ordered fifteen months, and fifty lashes apiece, "a sentence," we are informed, which seemed to give entire satisfaction to all but the culprits." As a caution to punsters we cannot refrain from quoting the fol- lowing action for breach of promise which was tried last week at the Manchester assizes. It appears that the defendant, a widower of fifty, and manager of the Manchester Corporation Waterworks, became enamoured of a certain Miss ANN SYKES, described as of prepossessing appearance, and as having reached the somewhat mature age of forty- seven. Space will not permit us to describe the various love passages that took place between this interesting couple, or to quote in detail the innumerable sonnets that our gay Lothario "made to his mistress's eyebrow," and we must content ourselves with referring all admirers of genuine poetry to the published report. One stanza, however, gracefully dedicated to the "Duck of the Village," struck us as being particularly worthy of notice. At one time assuming the elegant simplicity of the pastoral eclogue, we are involuntarily reminded of some of KEAT'S happiest efforts, and anon, every line breathing with the intensity of the poet's passion, we find ourselves conjuring up re- membrances of TENNYSON and BYRON in their most impassioned moments. We quote the second verse of that sublime odo to the "Duck of the Village:" Your spooney work acts like a Turk Upon my tender frame; And I shan't at all be quite content Until you change your name." The unimaginative reader may fail to observe the connection between "a Turk and our poet's "tender frame," and may object to the pro- priety of his characterizing his fifty-year-old corpus in such tender terms, but therein we recognize the greatness of our poet's genius. We have little doubt that the original expression that the writer had in his mind's eye was not a Turk," but a mustard plaster. But scorning to make use of the inevitable sequence and threadbare metaphor of a "burning bosom," with a pardonable poetic license he introduces an oriental allegory, and thereby impresses his readers with a conviction of his undoubted originality. But, alas! on perusing the next verse we trembled for the pecuniary fate of our poetic friend : Oh! MIss A1u, Miss ANN, How could you use me so ? I've heard of many a breeze before, But never such a blotw." -We felt that no British jury with a prisoner arraigned before them for stealing a woman's heart, and with JonmsoN's remorseless anathema against punsters ringing in their ears, would suffer Miss ANN SYKES' or any other village duck's affections to be ruthlessly punned away without giving most exemplary damages. We positively blush for the honour of human nature when we think that the author of such noble and touching lines as the following- Dear Milss ANN SYKaE, 'tis you I likes, So don't make any bother ; You knows full well I ne'er shall tell This tale to acny other ;" that a man gifted with such glorious talents should have turned out a "cruel deceiver," and after positively ordering the marriage feast, and making out a list of the intended guests, should, at the eleventh hour, have turned round and told the selfsame tale to quite another party. The said party he wooed and won, and is now no doubt en- joying his full measure of Hymeneal bliss, the happiness of his honey- moon unclouded by no other remembrance of his faithful village duck than the 1,250 which the jury awarded as a balm to soothe the bleeding bosom of that too confiding but most unlucky bird. WVE learn from Paris that M. LAMARTINE'S ZLfe of Ccesar, which ap- peared originally in the Civillsteur, is now being republished con- temporaneously with the EMPERORa's lie de C60 ar. It is understood that there being no political allusions in the work sufficiently hostile to the present government to justify the censors of the press in seizing it, his Majesty in disgust is about to rechristen his work, [The History of Natpolon (fesar. LEONARD AND REYNARD. A LAY OF CORRUPTION. AIR-")Billy Taylor." LEONARD EDMUNDS was a cute young follow, Very much connected with MISTER B., And a certain road to riches Semed quite apparent to L. E. Chorus-Tiddi iddi iddi, &c., &c., glefiudly. So he had a seat in the Patent Office, To keep it warm for a dron ish B. ; And twice one hundred pounds per annum He paid out of his salaree. Slow chorus, regreltfuly. Besides this sum, some queer transactions Must have passed 'tween E. and B.- Mortgage, transfer, and insurance- The bond that bound this coterie. Silent chorus. Some thirty years have drifted over- Another claims the woolsack's foe; With views parental and nepotic, Striving to feed his familee. A whistling chorus, with winking accompaninlt. So when some ugly facts came creeping, Crawling, creeping all round E., Resignation was reconmmnended- Pension offered-from stigma free! Indignant chorus. The bait was taken-hook avoided- To great delight of SLIxOSiY B., And all the other honest actors In this enigma comcdic. Spasmodic chorus. But folks in this world are so jealous, If thcy don't chance in a "loot" to be; And so results may chance to happen, As when some FouTY disagree. Slow chorus, hopefully. While FNo, who's never anxious-hasty- Bides his time quite patient/ce; Resting on the maxim ancient, "Who lives longest, most shall see." Stentorian and prolonged chorus. The Head and Front of his Offending. WE clip this from a provincial paper:- "The 13th anniversary of the Sparrow Club, Rudgwick, was celebrated by a dinner at the Cricketers' Inn, on Tuesday last. On reference to the books, it mas ascertained that 5,313 birds' heads had been sent in by the numbers during the 3ear, 1,363 being contributed by Mr. W. WVOODHEAD, to whom was uwaided the first prize." VooDIIEAD is quite the right sort of blockhead to gain such a prize; but we should think the selection for such a purpose of the Cricketers' Inn must have put the cricketers out. The second prize, we learn, was awarded to a Mu. BETTING, the wager of a suicidal w -. -. i inall birds. It is lucky the rules of the club only give i.r, .--i tl,. de- struction of small birds, for the geese would otherwise be shooting one another. t A LIGHT TO LIGHTEN TIHE NATION.-The EDMUNDS scandala. VOL. VIII 41 [APRIL 15, 1865. FUN. RICHARD COBDEN. SINCE the death of Sm ROBERT PEEL England has sustained no such loss as she now suffers in the early and unexpected death of RICHARD COBDEN. Few men whose views have met with so much opposition have left so few enemies-no man has ever left more friends; for throughout the length and breadth ef this country, and in remote foreign lands, the name of this great Apostle of Free Trade is associated with all those blessings which make life pleasant. Cheap bread and an increase of better remunerated employment-in a word, comfort and inde- pendence were the boons this earnest and unflinching patriot laboured to win for his fellows. And however other politicians may have differed from him, they all respected and almost wor- shipped the unswerving integrity of purpose, the upright energy of mind, the unflinching adherence to principle, the honesty of conviction, the generosity, the humility, the self- sacrifice, of him by whose death-bed England now stands silent, scarcely able yet to realize her bereavement, and never to be able to express her grief. The laurels which we lay on this hero's bier-for a hero he was in the noblest sense of the word-are recognition of services performed for the people by a son of the people. The benefactor of mankind who gave up everything to serve his country, the world, his Creator, in so splendid a manner, was no descendant of an endless line of belted earls, no scion of an acred squirearchy, not even the heir of a recent plutocracy. He was a son of the people; the distinction he won, no less than the measures he carried out, bring glory and position to them, and strengthen their claims for a wider recognition and a better appreciation. In this brief memoir we can only broadly sketch the glory of this godlike career. These pages may possibly, in the opinion of some, be scarcely fitted for such solemn utterances as are in- spired by a consideration of England's loss in the death of RiciiARDn COI]DEN. But those who know us best will, we feel assured, expect at our hands a tribute to such a memory, for it is not the humourist's task to touch only the chords That ring to idiot laughter solely." Beneath the motley we wear a heart that beats warmly for the people, and which loved and revered RicHARD COiDEN, and it is therefore with no false sentiment that we enclose a column, hitherto dedicated to laughter, in mournful black, and say our sad, fond farewell, utter our melancholy monody, and let fall a tear from the eye of a reputed jester upon the grave of the Father of Free Trade, to whose memory evory labourer in Great Britain owes an infinite respect, lo;e, admiration, gratitude. Such men occur rarely in the histories of nations. It is when the days are darkest that the champion springs up. But the darkest days chronicled in the history of the world have never called forth a hero more unselfish, more earnest, more pure- hearted, more highly-gifted, more lowly-minded, than this great and good man, who gave broad to the hungry and em- ployment to the industrious, and who has done more than all the blatant religionists whoever invaded earth to bring all people together into one fold, as under one shepherd. lie leaves us in the flower of his strength, mental and bodily, in the prime of his age, in the very fulness of his fame, and all that we have attempted to say is but the incoherent utterance of a people which stands almost dumb in the presence of a calamity hardly yet thoroughly estimated. It will be when faction gathers head and is ready to sacrifice everything for power, when disaffection in the Liberal camp threatens to fling h :..- that is valuable to Englishmen into the hands of adventurers and their duped followers ; it is when the structure of free institutions which such men as this have laboured to build up is shaken to its foundations by hungry ambition on the one side, and want of faith and honesty and purpose on the other, that England will look-and we fear in vain-for the stern rectitude, the convincing earnestness, the boldness, the bigness, the inspiration which wrested the poor man's loaf from the tight fist of an agricultural majority, and which flung wide the gates of commerce in despite of all the bolts and bars of obstructiveness and greod! WHAT is the difference, at the present time, between the burgesses ofrSouthwark and Ilridgenorth ?-Those have a market in the borough these have a borough iu the market. TOWN TALK. BY THE LAUNCHER AT THE PUBS THE death of RICHARD COBDEN is a national calamity. There is hardly a living soul in the length and breadth of England who has not lost in him a friend and benefactor. There are few names so honoured and so spotless on the roll of Fame as that of the Father and Apostle of Free Trade, the humble, private individual who was able to enrich a nation, though he impoverished himself, and who, though courted by position, power, and title, lived and died plain RicHAeD COBDEN. THE Royal Academy pictures have been sent in. A goodly array of noted names in art, mentioned as contributors to the forthcoming exhibition, holds out great promise for its excellence. We shall see on the walls, in Trafalgar-square, paintings by LANDSEER, MACLISE, FITHw, STANFIELD, CiRESWIOK, SANT, and MILLAIS; and these popular academicians will be supported by such artists as SANDYs, LEIGHTON, CALDEnON, MARKS, and STONE. Of course the Luncher has made his tour of the studios, and can, like a racing prophet, tell his readers what pictures are likely to be favourites and which will be placed. Of course there are several safe draws-" The Royal Marriage," or The Portrait of H.R.H. the PRINCESS OF WALES," by FRITH and DESANGES, sure to be surrounded by a throng of loyal enthusiasts. The splendid animals of Sin EDWIN, the views of CnEswiio, and the sea-scape of STANFIELD will also command attention. Then there will be The Beggars Coming to Town," by MARKS ; the Devil Sowing Tares," by MILLAIS; "Spring," by SANDrs; "Murillo," by PHILIP; some autumnal scenes, by LEADER; O'NEIL'S "Canute ;" LESLIE'S "Lathom House." And besides these, will be seen a host of pictures by less extensively known artists, which will not fail to gather little circles of admirers. Among these I will venture to adumbrate a few of the most promising-" The Last Kiss," Advice Gratis," "The Arrest," "Charity at the Church Door," and The Young Knight." THE Society of British Artists opened its exhibition a few days ago. Anything worse than the collection of pictures, as a whole, it would be impossible to conceive. The Society is doing its best by electing good members to relieve its position; but even such painters as have been chosen will find it difficult to redeem such a mediocre body. Pangs of Poverty," by BAIsIES, and about a dozen more canvases, are the only things of any merit in a gallery containing over a thousand pictures. Art is, indeed, at a low ebb in Suffolk-street, or, as Ma. ARTEMUS WARD, the Yankee showman, would say, is "pritty ornery plade out! Of course everybody, now-a-days, reads Artemus Wird, his .ook," and first-rate fun it is. The Americans have a peculiar dry grin that makes such writings intensely rib-tickling. I don't think I've met with anything so funny as the showman" since BEN GUALLIER or the Biglow Papers. It is interesting, too, because under all the grotesqueness there is something to be learnt of American opinions on the war, emancipation, and other important questions of I the day. WHAT is this rumour that the editor of the great journal declines to print his critic's notice of the new Irish sensation play? The gentleman who wields the Thunderer's bolts is not always the wisest and wittiest, but he is occasionally one of the weakest of mankind. Still, one can hardly credit this extraordinary story. I BELIEVE that FUN has only to express his opinion on the merits of candidates for election in metropolitan boroughs to ensure the return of the right men. But FuN, being as great as lie is powerful, has hitherto held somewhat aloof in such matters. Now 1 think it is time for him to come forward and support the right man. Jons STU'AT MILL must be sent as I.P. for Westminster to the People's Palace. Friends (who are voters) will be pleased to accept this intimation. Reform will secure in his return an almost incalculable advantage, and stride forward in a way that will terrify the re- actionists. I think the electors of Westminster will do well to return MILL, if for no other reason, because Fux will otherwise have to con- descend to take his seat for the borough, and if lie does, of course will not be able to give his undivided attention to the production of that eighth wonder of the world, his eighth volume, now in progress. TIANKi heaven, the bitterly cold weather is breaking up, and we are getting something like spring. Everything is, of course, very back- ward in the country, except fox-hunting, which is forward-hark forward. But we only want about a week's sunshine to bring all the trees into sudden leaf. "THOU ART TRANSLATED." TiIEorPnLE GAUTIER is translating MOORE's poems into French. The motto on the title page will bo, we understand, C'est lit MOORE, C'Csc lit MOORE." THE SONG OF THE SHinT.-" The Sewing Machine." -.--I APRIL 15, 1865.] F U N. HOME FOR POOR RELATIONS. A SUGGESTION BY OUR CYNICAL CONTRIBUTOR. IN this age, when our charity Hath grown quite telescopic, And sees no human misery Nearer than Cancer's tropic, May I suggest that man would earn My warm congratulations, Who'd boldly build and then endow A home for poor relations. At morn a needy cousin comes To beg for slight assistance, And knowing opposition vain, I yield without resistance ; And though he knows his frequent calls Will drive me to the grave on, That needy cousin haunts my door Like POE'S provoking raven. Scarce is he gone, another comes, And ere he goes, another, Like BANQUO'S kings, and each one pleads More warmly than his brother. Now 'tis a boy to educate, And now a girl to portion; Oh! if I'd fever or small-pox, They scarcely would my door shun. Oh! how I wish and long for peace- Sovereigns will never buy it; From morn's first hour till dewy eve, The knocker's never quiet. They've homes for naughty boys and girls, And schemes for reformation; Is no one bold enough to found Homes for each poor relation ? Would SInAFTESB'RY'S LoRD but take the hint, And do a deed of mercy (I'm sure the rich don't grind the poor- 'Tis rather wice wersy), His name would then be handed down To latest generations, If he would rouse himself and found A HOME rFO POOR RELATIONS. Maxims for Meteorologists. A MIAN may do what he likes with his ozone. When moisture is excessive, an unsteadiness of motion may be ob- served in all bodies moving from one point to another. When the glass is very low there isn't much in it. If the wind be from the sow-west" you may always guess how west it is. i About the time of the equinox observe from which quarter the wind is blowing. According to that direction the ensuing months will either be wet or dry. If in doubt about the exact direction in which to find the wind, look for the address in the Windsor division of the Post- office Directory. On wet days borrow your friend's umbrella, and stand it in your own soap-dish when you get home. You may thus keep an accurate register of the rain-fall in any locality. Oh, Law! WHEN the Courts of Law are all concentrated on their new site, will the PRINCE OF WALES be invited to inaugurate this new opening for the Suiers of London? The festival of Crossness ought to be followed by the Carey-street celebration, as another illustration of the extent to which we are going with our Metropolitan Main Drainage. CURIOUS. THE pronoun I and the interjection 0 are always represented by a capital; when U is added, it is the representation of no capital at all. WE are told to look out for great CHANG from Shanghai- Nine feet, more or less, is his size ; But we must not forget that in China the height Is not measured by feet but by lis (lies). LITERAL LITERATURE. "SECOND EDITION OF A LADY'S WALES IN THE SOVTH OF FRANCE." THIS book is reputed to be written by MAY EvYE-SO we suppose we may eye her. It would be all the same if we mightn't, 'cos we should. This same lady has walked to some purpose, and we are glad that she has found them so suitable to her constitution that she should lave taken a second edition. A walking lady is a picturesque apparition. If you meet her alone you can cast sly glances over hedges and dodge her between trees until she thinks you a veritable ORt.ANDO. MAY, however, may have been ugly, and this is an advantage in some respects. Taking it for granted that she is, we quit her company. BITTER SWEETS." Dear me, this is very troublesome. Hero's a journalist in his "scant leisure hours" writing a novel. We got through the first half of the first volume during a short railway journey. In that brief space we were introduced into a smuggler's cave, a lady's heart, a banking es- tablishment; we witnessed a shipwreck; a man gallantly rescued another who is to supplant him in a girl's affections. How very original. Then before five chapters are written we are told, BESSIE MARTIN will have cause to remember the dreaming of RICHARD GEAY," and a broad hint is given that the heroine is to get into matrimonial hot water. This sort of thing is like having a slice of venison brought up before you have swallowed your fish. JOSEPIaH lATTON is tlhe author. Why didn't he call his book "Flowers fiom Hatton-garden ? "-for no barren spot in London could be more sterile than his brain. "LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP." This is a matter of opinion. We prefer to leap before we look, and thereby to skip a bad book. We don't say this is, but a proverb for a title looks suspicious-makes one think of muffins and weak tea. "FIVE LETTERS BY VIGIL." A E I 0 U. Not at all bad, and a very accurate alphabetical arrangement. 0, YE TEARS! 0, YE TEAR8! What a notion to apostrophize tears! Why doesn't the author lend the weeping party a pocket handkerchief ? or if she be a lady (and young), kiss them away and say no more about it ? But to exclaim " 0, ye tears without any assignable reason, and without letting a fellow know what all the crying's about, seems to us a very ridiculous piece of business. MONAHAN'S OATH. "THE Chief Justice so far forgot himself, at the last assizes in the County Down, as to cry to one of the magistrates, GOD d-n it, sir, it is all stuff and nonsensee' Sin T. BATLSON asked the Irish Secietary whether this was t, ue. Sis It. ia'rE said that CIIIsF JUSTICE MONAIIAN could not recollect the ex;et wo: dc he used, but if they were stronger than necessary, at any rate he meat to castno reflection on the honesty of the justices. Sit It. I'EaL refused Ml. COGAN'S application lor the Chief Justice's report on this affair." A JUSTICE on his bench gave forth an oath- An Irish oath, too, of all modern things; But ROBERT PEEL evinced himself most loth To clip the feathers of the impious wings. Oh! blasphemy 's an ornament to some, And, perhaps, SIm ROBERT sometimes nearly swears, And thinks, may be, an oath don't ill become A judge, or spot the ermine which he wears. Justice to Ireland! Ay, let PEEL decree That MONAHAN's not guilty--that his oath Is pardonable-should condoned be, And we forgive the sin and sinner both. So be it, boisterous PEEL ; thus rule the Isle Called Emerald, and let Justice curse; The scales may dangle any way the while, And Ireland's future be so much the worse. EH, SURE! BLUE. THE Prussians have ordered ten vessels of war to be built for them at Bordeaux. They will be manned-no! we withdraw the expres- sion. Their crews will consist of Prussian-blue jackets; not a bad colour for seamen who are born so far inland as to be fairly considered as forming an ultra-marine. CLUB LAW. THE ladies are going in for clubs. Poor dears, how little they think how they are putting their little tootsies into it" by trying to place themselves on a club-footing. 43 I [APRIL I, 1865 FU NT. BOUGHT AND SOLD. Auctioneer to SimpIe Simon :-" SIt, THE HOUSE IS KNOCKED DOWN TO YOU." Simple Simon :-"YOu SAY HE'S YOUNG ? Auctioneer :-" PUT YOUR hAND IN HIS MOUTH AND TiY. LOOK AT HIS TAIL." Simple Simon (takes the tail ill his ha/nd and it comes of) :-" ZOUNDS, WHAT'S THIS? HERE'S A REG'LAR SELL!" Auctioneer (a bit of a way) :-" On No ; You SEE, IE was DISPOSED OF WHOLESALE, BUT NOW IHE'S RETAIL'D . another refuge. He is also expected to give an account of several bad Extra Parliamentary Proceedings During the Pecess. jokes intrusted to him for perpetration. LoIu) ROBERT rMONTAGU will sit in a mare's nest on imaginary eggs. FOR the edification of our readers we append a catalogue of the The produce of this incubation will be given to the world in the shape entertainments likely to come oiffl' in the Easter recess:- of a twopenny-halfpenny pamphlet, which will be sent to the Inter- LoRn WESTiiuRnY and his relations (number unknown) will meet national Exhibition of 1867, when it will doubtless got a meddle. LOinD niocuirA.M and his relations, and MNi. EnuxuNDS and his rela- Ma. COWPER will roll his own new road in the Green Park for the tions, in a flold near Ball's Pond. A ring will be formed, and a general benefit of his health. The performance may be seen any day between gladiatorial encounter is expected to ensue. For a full report of the twelve and one, Saturdays excepted. proceedings, vide some future edition of Bell's Life in London. MR. DISRAELI will air his locks on the Asiatic mountains, recite Ma. NEWDEGATE, M.P., will meet the old women among his con- thereon some fragments of Alroy, and wonder why the deuce he isn't I stituents in a dark lane, on a dark night, and burn the POPE in effigy. Prime Minister of England or Emperor of the Orient. The cinders will be collected and sent to his Highness as a reminder LoRe DERBY will go to Greece, and sing his own translation of, of the affectionate remembrance in which he is held by certain friends Homer on the ruins of the Athenian antiquities. He may be expected in England. home in time to triumph over the ignominy of the vulgar Lou)i Mi. JouN ARTHur ROEIUiCK will go on a foxhunt by himself. CHANCELLOR WESTBURY. (Signed) What the end of his sport will be is uncertain; but the curious may ADMIRAL F x-FTrznoY. be informed that he will be heard barking whenever a fox shows its teeth, and that if he can find a couple of brutes quarrelling, or having a personal explanation in the corner of a field or a coppice, he will THE CHISEL 'EM. endeavour to set matters right by putting his nose between them and NEWS from Scotland states that there has been very great rejoicing LORD AMBERLEY will st among the tenants of The Chisholm, at Buntait, to celebrate the Loa An will stand on his ad o the cloc-towe of St. favourable settlement of a lawsuit in which that gentleman was con- Stphon's, to practise himself in parliamentary gymnastics, in pro- cerned. He is certainly to be congratulated, for when he was at log-' paration for his ill return by the eletorses, and drive tof Leeds. gerheads with the law, it was diamond cut diamond," or CHISHOZL MaK. EN-NE5ST will ride eleven horses, and drive three coaches-and- ,'s Chisel-'em. fourteen through several Acts of Parliament, passed for the improve- s em. ment of Ireland and the appeasement of Irish members generally. MR. BERNAL OSBiORNE will explain to the people of Liskeard why he EDUcATIONAI APPLIANCES FOR THE AGRICULTURAL CLASSES.-Thrash- has been so quiet of late; and, also, why he has been obliged to seek ing machines. 1~J NT. \~~UL 5, 18 65. HONOURED HONESTY. APRIL 15, 1865.] F U N. 47 Inn in L|arlisantnt. DID anybody not possessing practical experience. ever conceive what a model lodging-house is? For our part -we regarded it as a thing which architects exhibit to referees and committees. This, however, proves to be an insane notion. It's a place where a poor man may "hang out" like a civilized being, and not like a swine with a ring through its nose and a stomach full of husks. It was the object of a discussion in the House of Lords on Friday to ventilate the maker of poor men's lodgings. Railways and other insanity-promoting modem agencies have knocked down half the residences of the metropolitan poor. But as nobody in this lively House did anything, and as nothing came to anything, or something to nothing, or anything to something, or vice versd, whatever that may be, we quit the subject. Some gossip followed on the RAPHAEL cartoons proposed to be moved from Hampton-court to the Kensington Museum. We agree. Agricultural statistics again! If the gentlemen in the House of Commons so fond of this topic would get drunk and then try and say statistics, we fancy they would give up everything connected with them as a bad job. Mn. 0. STANLEY elicited from Loan C. PAGET the comforting information that the Admiralty had no proposition to make in regard to a new exploring expedition to the Arctic regions. We're glad of this, as the explorers would be sure to catch the plague and bring it back, and the plague and some geographical novelty combined would kill a man if anything could. A county-court judge, named STONOR, proved a stumbling-block to LoanRD ROBERT MONTAGU, in an attempted tilt against LORD WESTBURY. MR. NEWDEGATE is in a most mortal funk lest the POPE should come to England. It's evident that the honourable member for North Warwickshire is afflicted with a disease known as Vatican hydrophobia ; and on the principle of giving a man a hair of the dog that bit him, the only mode of curing MA. NEWDEGATE would be to ram his Holiness's toe down his throat. The result would be a toe-tal cure. Irish landlords and tenants! This is a very dry business. LoRD COURTENAY made a creditable maiden speech hereon, and if he isn't a bigot, and reads FuN regularly, he'll no doubt get on. A truce to jokes! COBDEN is dead. When eagles spread their wings athwart the sky, When turrets rise from out the waving trees, These objects catch the glance of mortal eye : Man looks in rapture at the might he sees ; The sunlight glances on the eagle's wings, And gives a glory to the turret-top. So when the lark at heaven's portal sings, And lets to earth melodious music drop, Man listens to the sounds and adds his praise. Thus 'tis when statesmen leave the beaten track And tread alone their own peculiar ways; Men leave their business and cast glances back To scan the new star shedding brilliant rays. From lowly state the Patriot Trader came To lift his country's commerce to a height Unknown through centuries of thrift and gain. But when in all the plenitude of might, His great heart sank beneath a mortal pain, England laments, whilst Europe drops a tear, And transatlantic shores proclaim his worth. We weave our cypress for the Patriot Seer, And on his bier drop melancholy earth ! His place shall know him no more, but red letters in our national calendar shall ever mark the day of his birth and the day of his death. There is something very uncomfortable about a plague, and we are much obliged to the Bishop of Oxford for asking the Government to confine it to the consuls abroad if possible. Apropos of this, the Times advises the people to set their houses in order. All we say is, trust in Providence, and keep the sewers flushed. Further, on Tuesday the House of Lords heard a demand that Harrow might be heard by counsel against the Public Schools' Bill. A COBDEN in educational matters is wanted. It's no use manufacturing new official brooms; they sweep clean for a week, and are then handed over to minor legis- lative crossing sweepers, who use them as engines for extorting money from the unwary. Nothing more took place. As for the Commons, on this day they "didn't make a House." Legislative bricks and mortar arc getting scarce. On Wednesday the Commons made up for their indolence on the previous day by doing as little as possible. The Tories, Robbers, and Rapparecs Bill was read a second time, and we hope they like it. Amongst other things MR. DuNXLor obtained leave to bring in a bill to enable tutors, trustees, and others to act as commissioners of supply in Scotland. If tutors aren't commissioners of supply already, what are they ? Tutors, we should think, have quite as much as they can do to educate the barelegged Highlanders, and it is quite unnecessary to give them anything more to do in the shape of supply. The Lords on Thursday gave indication of an early dissolution of Parliament. No bills are to be read a second time after the 29th of June. The Commons were once more busy with the defences of Canada, but our readers would have a right to blow us up did we give a summary of what was said. The Wimbledon Common Bill was read a second time. LoRn SPENCER wants to do the public a good turn and make a name, and we don't see why Parliament shouldn't lot him. On Friday Parliament got up and bolted away for the Eastor vacation. NOTICE! It is hereby notified that the wives of members will sit during the recess. FuN's Commissioner in Parliament is the only gentleman of the press who will be allowed to be present; and his notes may pos- sibly be annotated by Mrs. Black Rod. CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED UP sBY OUR OWN MoUCIARD. SMITH.-I told you so. The Portuguese Government have caved in after all, and dismissed the Governor of Fort Belcm. BaoWN.-Yes; that comes of having might on the one side and weakness on the other. SMITH.-Very likely. If the Americans had had to deal with France, or any other groat Power, they would have thought twice before making any demand; but as it is, Yankee Doodle can crow his loudest. Buow .-Not but what the Americans declare they were only shifting their anchorage, and had no intention of leaving the harbour. SMITH.-Very likely; one expects a shifty style of action from BROTHER JONATHAN. Witness the Florida. BaowN.-What a pretty little show up that was for MR. GEORGE POTTER, of strike notoriety, by the London Trades' Union delegates. SMITn.-Rather; and how he piled up his indignation on the subject in his letter to the Star. BnowN.-Yes; but somehow a notion seems to be creeping over the working-classes that the illustrious editor of the Bechive is more the friend of POTTER than the men. SmTHa.-Ah, you mean to say that in his hive he prefers that hoe himself should take the honey, while the men on strike are to be the sole possessors of the whacks. BnowN.-Precisely. SMITH.-I wonder if any of the inventions for communication with the guard on railways, exhibited at the Polytechnic, will be adopted by the companies. BRowN.-Certainly not. It's like the impudence of the public to require it. SMITH.-Hang it all! surely the public may claim some sort of pro- tection when on the company's property. BRowN.-I don't see it. If the companies in their greatness and goodness provide travelling accommodation, that is all that can be expected of them. The safety of the passengers is a matter quite beneath their notice. SMITH.-Fortunately, the British jury, as a rule, does not take that view of the matter, if we may judge by the amount of the verdict given. They seem evidently to fancy that there is a certain amount of liability attached to the companies. BBowN.-Well, perhaps, after all, it is as well, since the only checks possessed by thepublic are those drawn by the directors on their bankers, and the pocket is a most sensitive though unrecognized portion of the human anatomy. Red-dy-ay, Red-dy. THE ladies in Paris are all trying to make their hair golden. It is the correct thing to call it "golden," but the right reading is "red." The cunning plan by which thei colour is imparted to the locks is a science which ought to be ranked as the carroty'd art-cry," as being so closely connected with the vain. A FORCIBLE BENT. MR. BEETLES, ex-policeman, suggests that the title of MA. WArTT PHILLIPS'S now drama should be The Woman in Mauve-on." 48 FUN. [APRIL 15, 1865. AT THE PLAY. _:>1 -4 ARELY does, did, or ever will the course of 'true love run smooth, and the fact is as well known as the Monument or 80, Fleet-street. On the stage, at any rate, it never does. In fact, the circumstance may be taken to be the hinge on which nineteen-twen- tieths of both ancient and modern plays turn, and Ma. PARSELLE'S neat little comedietta of Cross -Pr'- poses, which is now playing at the S\ Strand Theatre, is no exception to the general rule. .Evidently from the French, if not taken bodily, S \ at any rate modelled, and very closely, on some Parisian original, it bears plain marks of its Gallic source, though we arc not aware that it is the custom of stony- hearted parentst" to regard their daughters as a species of encum- brance to be parted with on any terms-in short, to treat their female offspring as tradespeople do their old goods when they have got in a new supply. Still, in spite of this absurdity, to say nothing of a stage father, who is of the stago the stagiest, the play is neatly written and well acted, and has achieved a most decided success. Miss MILLY PALMER increased the favourable impression she has already made on the public by her performance of the heroine, who is alienated from her rightful lover until the appearance of a second suitor puts matters to rights between them. Nor must we omit rendering his due to Mn. H. J. TURNERii, whose stage father was most amusing, and MR. PARSELLE, as the lover, who nearly comes to grief from the perplexities into which he is thrown by the nature of the plot. Always Intended may be regarded as an exemplification of the same old adage we have mentioned above, from a different point of view. As an antidote to the sensation mania, far surpassing the much fought-over Woman in Mauire, it may certainly be commended; as a play its peculiar want of any kind of interest is not so much a matter of praise. In fact, it requires all the talent of MEssns. H. WIGAN, E. F. EDGAn, and MACLEAN to make it at all palatable. Why the young lady who has been always intended to be married to the young gentleman should decline him at the last moment is more than we could make out, but we supposed that as some kind of plot was considered neces- sary for the development of dramatic action, that was chosen as being both novel and particularly improbable. Poor nature doesn't often, now-a-days, get the mirror held up to her on the stage, and certainly not in Always Intended. The piece is evidently a translation, as the attorney, who, according to the author, seems to do everything towards arranging a marriage, except the work of the parson, is pal- pably the notary, so well known in all foreign dramatic plots. What would have become of the unfortunate piece in the hands of less skilful actors than those to whom it was intrusted it is painful to think. Not yet has MR. GYv commenced the fulfilment of lis promise of operatic novelties. William Tell, II Trovatore, and Faust have, up to the present, been the operas with which the ears of his patrons have been charmed. In the first of these works a MIDLL. SoNIERI made her debilt as Mathilde; but the nervousness of the young lady on her appearance was so great that we were scarcely able to form a correct judgment either of her voice or her dramatic abilities. SIGNon GRAMzANI took his old part of Tell-a part so well known for its ex- cellence that it is perfectly needless for us to dwell upon it. I1 Troralore brought back to us HERR WACHTEL, whose Teuton name we have not unfrequently heard vulgarized into Wagtail, with his celebrated C in alt, which detractors said was the only note the young man could issue. At any rate he is always ready to exhibit his mastery over that note, and he lugs it in, as did Ma. DICK KING CHARLES's head, on every available occasion. Nevertheless, both as an actor and a singer he has this year decidedly improved; not that that says very much, for as the former he was last year simply a stick of the first water, and as the latter, barring his patent note, little better than third-rate. Like most German voices, what his organ lacks in sweetness-and it lacks a good deal-is made up in power. However, in time lihe may improve, at least we hope so, if he is to be a constant visitor to this metropolis. The Prince of WVales', formerly the Queen's Theatre, is to be opened next Saturday, under the management of Miss MARIE WILTON. Under such management, and with Mui. H. J. Byuox as the exclusive purveyor of the burlesques, lovers of that particular kind of entertain- ment may expect to be royally, as befits the now-named establishment, amused. The Song of the Thames. THE signs that tell of coming spring To me no joyful tidings bring; The soothing zephyr's breath, That soon the summer will declare, And rustle through the heated air, Is telling me of death. The warmth that should new life impart, And gladden every creature's heart, Shall draw from me disease; The pestilence that Russia bore Shall ravage on my crowded shore, Borne on the eastern breeze. On wings of vengeance to the skies The shrieks of dying men shall rise, O'er whom the plague has swept; The few survivors in their dread Shall leave the city with its dead Unburied, and unwept. When fever shall oppress the land, With madness in her burning hand, These are my progeny. Oh, ye who have defiled my wave, When your foul work shall load the grave, Will ye your fault deny ? If ye have gazed on maiden snow, Or where the modest lilies grow, Once purer still was I; Have ye behold the noisome tomb, Where the worms' food await their doom ? Now fouler still I lie. Then haste while yet the curse delays, Let pity every hand praise, To make me pure once more; And then shall gaunt disease depart, Then joyful rest each drooping heart, And health adorn my shore. NOTES AND QUERIES. A STUDENT AT LAW.-Yes. DEMnOSTHENES was a lawyer. You will therefore quite appreciate the value of his advice in that celebrated maxim, Action! action! action! " A WOULD-BE BARD writes to ask us if we have an opening for "some lines." Surely he must be the moving principle of the London, Chatham, and Dover Railway. AMELIA ANN.-We really cannot advise you as to the choice of a husband. If you have several suitors equally amiable and eligible, you had better toss up. It is done by filliping a coin of the realm from the nail of your dexter thumb, and allowing the matter to be decided, according to previous arrangement, by the fact of the obverse or reverse turning up. A PENMAN wishes to know what we think of his hand. To judge from a thumb-mark on the corner of his letter we should say it wanted washing. AN ArNxIous I auinmn.-We are not in a position to state positively whether a blow received from a performer on the violoncello can be legally described as an assault with bass viol-ence. FINANCIEn.-Your maxims are not very sound. For instance, "the price of anything is what it will fetch is hardly correct. We might fetch you a strong box on the ear, but our regular price is a penny weekly. TwELVETREEs.-Sevenoaks and Nine Elms are two distinct places. The latter is on a trunk line, the former on a branch. We may add that even on a trunk line a portmanteau may be carried if desired. VERi.IER.-You write a neat copy of verses, but they are dreadful nonsense. For example, you say, We cannot recall the past." You can't recall anything unless it has passed; and besides, can't you order yesterday's Times ? A YoUNG HOUSEKEEPER.-You are not obliged to give a month's warning before turning off the gas in the hall. As for a character, we feel sure that no gas you can get in London deserves anything but a bad one. A LovER or OPERA.-" Forse 6 Lid is not the French for LOUISA and the Policeman." CHAMPION OF THE LIGHT WEIGHTS.-BANTING. APRIL 15, 1865.] IF J 1 9 LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN. No. 19.-THE CANTANKEROUS M.P. TWE have for some few lectures past devoted our attention chiefly to the requirements of that large class of our students who, looking upon a political career as a necessary evil, desire to enter upon it easily, and pass through it comfortably. But the Latin dramatist TERENcE-the TAYLOR of his day, noted for adaptations from the Greek, which are handed down as "new and original"-was in the habit of observing, Quot homines, tot sententico," which, in the language of the learned TUPPER, may be translated to mean, that if there are a hundred thousand men, there are a hundred thousand opinions among them. Consequently, we must expect to meet, among our students, individuals who still believe that statesman- ship is a fine pursuit, and whose ambition is to distinguish themselves. Unfortunately the ambition to distinguish oneself is more commonly to be met with than the power to do so, and we must accordingly endeavour to devise some scheme which shall enable our youthful aspirants to attain the desirable end even without the requisite means. This may seem a rash, not to say ridiculous undertaking, but our readers should remember what happened on the stage many years ago. Robinson COiusoe was being performed, and one scene was a snow- storm, in which the flakes came fluttering down from the flies in white profusion, and the effect was charming. Unfortunately, one night an over-enthusiastic audience insisted on encoring a song, or dance, or some such incident which occurred in the scene. The result was, that ere the drop fell the snow had ceased to fall. Thereupon the stage manager shouted audibly from the wing to the flies- Why don't you keep on snowing ?" "Please, sir, we can't! We've snowed away all the white paper !" Then snow brown ! And they did! In like manner, if our young students fail to distinguish themselves by snowing political white, all we can do is to show them how to snow political brown. Let, then, our young friend who lacks genius or talent-nay, whose intellect is not of the highest order in the commonest sense, adopt the rdle of Cantankerous." Nothing is easier than to find fault; few things less difficult than to snarl. A disbelief in anything noble, good, disinterested, and honest is not a hard thing to cultivate, for those who are compelled, faute de mieux, to cultivate such an accomplishment do not possess in themselves any virtues to contradict their creed. We should recommend our young students, as a preparation for this career, to marry mild and rather juvenile wives. If they can meet with invalids the better. A brief course of matrimonial sneering will qualify most men for the post of fault-finder general to the House of Commons." We could point out many instances of such members as we are describing, but we refrain from doing so because such notoriety is just the very thing desired by these creatures, who cannot achieve fame. It will, perhaps, be as well to give our students-or patients-a mild formula by which they can bring their systems into a right state, and learn to make the figure they desire in the House. Let them begin by disbelieving in the honesty of men, the goodness of women, the genius of SHAKESPEARE, and the worth of religion. A careful persistence in this course, with an occasional exhibition of gall, will enable them in time to become the hatred of their friends, the contempt of their enemies, and the pity of the world at large. It is, perhaps, advisable to mention that as the Cantankerous I.P. is attached to no party, and need not be expected to adhere to any par- ticular opinions, a great deal of time and thought is saved, for where there is no consistency there can be no inconsistency; and the man who professes no opinions cannot be accused of changing them. All this saves time and thought. CIVIL SERVICE HARMONY. LonRD PALMERSTON has become a member of the Civil Service Musical Society. We suppose he will hardly care to play first fiddle in so mild an assemblage. If he should attempt it though, he might run some risk of being worsted in the musical contest by some young clerk, who would have the advantage of superior practice, for in all government offices the clerks play for six hours a day. ADVICE TO THE RECKLESS.-The best thing upon which to "stake" one's life is a beef steak. EPITAPH ON A DRUNKARD.-" Screwed" up. LETTERS TO THE COUNTRY. ON THE OPENING OF THE LONDON SEASON. No. V.-MIASCULINE. DEAR FRANK,-I'm a fellow whose happiness quite O'ortops the tall trees of your jolly great park, For I'm holiday-making-can do what I like ; No committees are sitting-I'm in for a lark. There are lots of fine things which a fellow can do, When there's no business on to consume all his leisure; And first I've a thought of beginning to woo- To throw a few dice for a bonnetted treasure. I'm not gone quite mad-the world is all wrong In thinking that marriage is business so vile; I've been learning from GRACE a most charming new song- I've heard nothing so sweet for a very long while. It's all about spring, and the birds and the trees, And shady nooks, love-making, that sort of thing; But in this case, you know, the girl's all that one sees, And one's only reflection-by JovE, can't she sing! Well, FRANK, my dear boy, I can both laugh and sigh, Write fiction and verses and anything soft; If you asked me to gossip I'm sure I should die, For gossip is base when one's soul's up aloft. Spring came in last week, and we drove in the park- Sweet GnRAQE and your friend-'twas truly divine ; I dined at her house, and we talked when half-dark, And I toasted the darling in goblets of wine! " Come to the garden, GRACE, there's nothing to do in the house, And the skylark's aloft in the sky, and I'm in the paddock alone; You'll come to me, GuAcE, I am sure, if you've got a more shadow of nous, And learn how my thirsty red lips for my deeds would atone. The grasshopper chirps at my feet, and the cuckoo lays eggs in my hat, Whilst the frog croaks like billyho sweet, and the gnat bites my cheek; The brook throws its circles about, the pure home of the rat, And I feel, darling, just as if I hadn't seen you for a week." This, FRANK, is a specimen, not very bright, Of my verses to GRACE, and she will say that I'm a- We won't say a poet, for I fancy you might Be incredulous, so I'll admit -a mere rhymer. A truce to this twaddle I'll marry her soon- In vacation perhaps, if not somewhat sooner; Whence coin will forthcome for the sweet honeymoon I don't know, for I'm bankrupt with ATTWOOD AND SPOONER. A DASHING ROMEO. IT is very seldom that we find a spirit of chivalry closely allied to a disposition for bonnotting. In these modern days this peculiar com- bination has entirely gone out. We are gallant, or we are vicious- vicious, that is, in the baser sense of the term, such as we are about to illustrate. An individual, whose calling is styled inelegantly hawking, was brought up at a police-court t'other day. A police-officer said he saw the prisoner in Falcon-square on the pavement, standing befrce two ladies, and lie refused to let them pass unless they kissed him. The ladies had d-clieed to come forward to prosecut- hli. lie took the prisoner into custody, as he was very drunk, upon which the prisoner smashed his hat." Can such things be? Such things are! Now this fellow hath in him good spirit. He merely asked the ladies to kiss him, and when the Bobby interfered he smashed his hat. This was undignified. Had he thrown the limb of the law over some area railings, the whole pro- ceeding would have had an air of symmetry about it. But under the existing circumstances we must denounce this one-act tragedy as a failure, and leave the would-be ROMEo to the pleasant contemplation of the philosophy of hard labour, which is perhaps to him a novel employment. EVERY INCH A PRINCE. HERE is a bit of fashionable intelligence:- ''"PINCE FELIX of Hohenloihe is 'wanted' in Berlin for debt, and his castles have been sequestered by his creditors. lie was one of the mobt brilliant players at Homburg." He had better change his title, and in consideration of his debts and disgraceful behaviour, call himself Prince Owe and Low." EPITAPH ON AN OLD MAID.-A-lass-too late! 63 FUlN. 1 iI ... ... SAPRIL 10, -00o0. L 1,0 . ri& -'C THE NEXT THING TO IT. Horatio Parkins:-" MY FRIEND, IN ME YOU BEHOLD A BUDDING GARRICK! 'AVE YOU INFLUENCE ENOUGH TO GET ME ON AT DltURY LANE IN THE CHARACTER OF 'AMLET, OIL I WOULDN'T MIND JAFFIER ?" Stage Friend:-" WELL, I ALMOST FEAR THEY WOULDN'T APPRECIATE YOU AT DRURY, BUT I CAN GIVE YOU AN INTRODUCTION TO AM AGENT WHO I THINK HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE INVERGELDY THEATRE, WHERE I FANCY THEY WANT Oan Extra- Utility or0 !" SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. THE 'VARSITY BOAT RACE. DIDN'T we" predict it ? Didn't we say they'd win-the blue, you know ? Weren't we the first to say they'd win ? Didn't we affirm it from the first ? Won't our betting-book show it ? Does any one dis- pute it ? Why, weren't our odds such as to put TATTERSALL'S in a funme; and wasn't our office besieged from morning to night with acceptors of bets; and aren't we at present rich as CRnssus, for our circulation in-Cnotsus; and aren't we swell prophets ? Well, it's over. We knew it would be. It couldn't help being over, though we should like to have seen men go on racing until they got to the mouth-nay, the lungs, stomach, and pedals of the old Isis. Glorious boys! you're the fellows to go. Wouldn't you astonish your ancestors rather ? We toast you in a bottle of two-century port. You've verified our predic- tion, and we are happy. Harkaway, Meteor, Argus, and the rest may go to-- well, we're in too good a humour to anticipate the heat of summer for any acquaintance, and accordingly we conclude by pro- nouncing ourselves to be in a state of perfect beatitude. Oh, dear! what an exertion it was to keep up with the boats! and how we shouted! That's the thing to do BANTING We knew they'd win. We hadn't a doubt about it. 8 HELIOGABALUS, Sporting Prophet in Ordinary to the KING OF BROIDIGNAG, alias FUN. A RIDDLE FOR ROOSTERS. WHY is a present of black game sent by rail like a very popular farce ?-Because it's box and cocks. THE TrEE OF KNOWLEDGE.-Thc birch. A CROSSNESS CAROL. AI -"The Chough and Crow." A Pru and blow, and loosed and gone, The engine crank we see; Our good PRINCE WALES, with able tone, Proclaims the course is free. The refuse dances down the drain, The people cry hoo-ray; Uprouse ye then, my very merry men, It is our opening day. The Board of Works, thought fast asleep, Not dozed have at this hour; And winking THWAITES can lot you peep At BAZALGETTE'S great power. Bewildered minds, with sharpened pen, Think on your burky way; Allow the men you slandered then Have done their work to-day. No Board to carp at own we now- A proof they watch each doer; We find made sound is wholly now Crossness, the Great South Sewer. Soon other works complete will then Take London's filth away. Uprouse ye then, ye speculative men, And use it as ye may. Chorus-And HOPE and NAPIER cry out, "Then We'll use it if wo may." Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and PublisP"'t or the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 15, 186& APRIL 22, 1865.] IFU J N. 51 TOWN TALK. BY TS LUNCHER AT IHE PUBS. I GAD! what a race this year! 0 ,'" Both Oxford and Cambridge did t S 1 their best, and the peevish non- e sense which Cambridge men, who did not row themselves f S probably, gave vent to in letters i to the press, is, I hope, silenced for ever. Next to being merci- l fully victorious it is the best b thing to be gracefully defeated, and so the Cambridge men will be better placedin future, for this clamour will die a natural death. Both were fine crews, both rowed with infinite pluck and spirit, and the contest was so hardly fought, that though to win was infinite honour, to lose was no disgrace. "Good luck to dark N blue and light blue both! says the catholic Luncher, though he d- oes love the dark blue best. S> By the way, what fun it is to see how anxious some writers are to S" induce people to believe they .- -_ __.. ; belong to one of the universities --- it is like that fatal desire which seizes men who don't know Latin to quote from that language. It is no disgrace to a man, and, crede experto practically an advantage, not to have been to Oxford or Cambridge, but it is a false position to imply that you have, and affect university slang and college associations. But I suppose some people can't help these little failings. A VERY pretty little row is still going on in Pall Mall. LoRn HAn- TINGTON in the House a little while since found it advantageous to state that the report on the War-office establishment laid before the House was approved of by the clerks. As this happened not to be the case, and his lordship well knew that it was exciting much discontent, the clerks ventured to point out the little oversight in a memorial pre- sented to him. Whereupon his lordship exploded, threatened dis- missal, and ordered the objectors to be brought up to the bar of the House for a breach of privilege. "A breach of privilege," indeed! Is it not a breach of something more than privilege to state for party purposes what you know to be a falsehood ? Is it theprivilege of a peer to lie, and must no one interfere with that proud title ? I believe, however, the nobss" have got a little alarmed now, and the matter will be smoothed over. I AM glad to hear that the chances of Join STUAnT MILL'S return for Westminster are becoming stronger every day. The Tiser, that curiosity of literature, has opposed him, which is a very good sign, and honest men are supporting him. England and the world will be the better for his presence in Parliament. To have in that assembly the man himself whose writings and whose mind have for years in- fluenced it, will be a good big step in the right direction. Reform may look up to its bold banner with fresh hope, and go on towards victory, with such a recruit in the ranks. BY the way, I should like to tell an anecdote to certain folks who don't believe in Reform, and think the English labourer a humbug. Last week the Luncher was breathing real air among the beech trees of a noble park in Kent. It was one of those June days which seem to have got shifted into April (as some December ones came astray into March), and the sun was scorching. And up a green glade came an old man with silvery hair and bent form, toiling feebly along under a load of wood. There was something so reverend about the noble old fellow that one instinctively took off one's hat to him. And this man, this fine English labourer, after a long lifetime of toil, was semi- paralyzed-was dragging one-half almost dead about with him. But he was at work still, carrying his faggot of sticks for sale, by the per- mission of the steward. No shirking, no shrinking from duty, no giving in before age and sickness here. It would have done many an unbeliever in great things good to see the old man. I know four men, who were not unbelievers, who were touched by it, as well as by the exquisite loveliness of this English scenery and the splendour of this English day. ART is in full flourish. The Old Water Colour opens on the 22nd for the private view, and the New will not be much behind. The French Gallery is already on view, and there is a capital picture of Rotten-row, by Mu. BARRAUn, to be seen, which is remarkable for a number of excellent portraits of the celebrities of the day. How hard upon CAPTAIN COLDORNE It is a pity that some corn- any does not start for the suppression of rapacious money-lenders. believe no one knows to what an extent these harpies devour poor allows in the army and navy. As for the Civil Service, there are few flices that do not know too well the faces of these fellows, who infest he places like vermin, pester the clerks with letters, and having once trapped them, threaten them with all sorts of exposure. BRAvo, JOHN BRIGHTr! I hope you will succeed in exposing the allacy so industriously preached by rogues and repeated by fools, that n these days there is no distinction between Conservative and Liberal. ihe pernicious doctrine has done infinite harm, and it is time it should oe exploded. No difference between Tory and Liberal-no distinction between DISRAELI and GLLADSTONE-no dissimilarity between JOHNx STUART iILL and NEWDEGATE I hope all Liberal electors will read Jonx BRIGHT'S words, and at the coming election decline to have any dealings with gentlemen who cannot discover the dillbrenco between Liberal and Conservative. You would not ask a man to paint your portrait if you knew he was subject to colour-blindness. Why ask one to represent you in Parliament who suffers from principle- blindness ? THEORETICAL HOUSEKEEPING. SCENE.-As before, a dimly-lighted dranwing-roomn. RESENxT.-KITTY SOMETHINaGNICE alld AIRTHU LOVESICK. KITTY.-Now, ARTHrnun, dear, we will never have any more of those disagreeable quarrels about our mutual likes and dislikes. You shall be a BuoWxNxc, and I, if it will please you, will be an ELIZA COOK, or even an ISA CRAIG. ARTHUR.-No, no, dearest; you be CHRnISTINx, ROSETTI, lS. IIEMAS, MIRS. BROWNINGo, and Miss ALFORD, all rolled into one, and if you will only make rhymes about me I'll be content to be even MARTIN F. TurpER. KITTY.-Darling! (IIfgs him.) AnTlur .-Charmer (Hlugs her.) (Both Ai g for several min utes.) KITTY.-Shall you want anything to cat when we are married, ARTnuR, dear? ARTHUIn.-What a question, sweet! As if the nectar of your lips was not as manna to me-food, drink, and medicine when necessary. KITTY.-And as if the smiles radiating from those divinely soft orbs, which thou hast christened mine eyes, were not chops, sauce piquanto, curried chicken, and blancmanges to me! Oh, ARTHUn dear, we shall be able to give all your income to the local bazaars, and cleemosnyary institutions. AReTnun.-But you don't mean to say, KITTY, that if you could you would eat such a mess as curried chicken ? KITTY.-And what is your taste ? ARTHUn.-Well, dearest, I'm an acclimatizationist as well as a poet, and I prefer American turtle dove, Indian cockatoo, Esquimaux red- breasts, and Norwegian frogs. KITTY.-Elegant young man! refined boy! But, seriously, ARTHUR -and you will be serious when your own KITTY asks you to-what do you like ? ARTanUn.-Cod and oyster sauce, or turbot; secondly, boiled beef; thirdly, wild duck, or tarmnigan; fourthly, snipes; fifthly, apple dumplings; and sixthly, Stilton cheese and celery. KITTY.-You are doing it on purpose, AnRTHURn, I am certain you are. How many hundreds of times have I told you that I abominate cod, that oysters are my aversion, that boiled beef I abhor, that wild duck makes me ill, that snipes disgust me, that apple dumplings aro vulgar and make me feel like a greengrocer's wife, and that Stilton cheese not only creeps itself, but makes my flesh and my hair creep too Oh, ARTHUR, you have done this on purpose-I know you have! ARTnHUR.-'Pon my life, dearest, I was aware of none of it. KITTY.-Oh, of course not! Is it not a lover's place, I should like to know, to understand by instinct what pleases the palate of tho lady whom he professes to love? I will have curried chicken three days out of the seven, or my name's not CATHERINE SOMETHINGNICE. ARTHUR.-And I'll dine at the club-by heaven !-on cod and oyster sauce, wild ducks, and apple dumplings, and I'll bring home a bit of walking Stilton in my pocket for your especial edification, and if your flesh chooses to creep, let it. KITTY.-Oh! sweet TUPmER! ARmnTu .-Ah! delightful ELIZABETH Coox! exquisite IsA! Go and write an ode on curried capon. KITTY.-Adieu, you miserable dumpling-cater! ARTHUn.-This is nice. KITTY.-Very. AnRT u.-I am going out. (Exit.) [KITTY lies full length on the sofa, kicks her heels on the dntimacasear, and finds relief in The Woman in MAagenta."] VOL. VIII F [APRIL 22, 1865. 52 FUN. A LAMENT. 'LORD SAFtrESBUT.-Let him go on, for GOD's sake I I never would have done stch a thing. "LORD SHAFTESRURy.--Let me explain: I plead guilty to a very great error and mistake when I used the word vouchers writing confidentially and hurriedly, it was not intended ia the legal sense of the word but I meant that I had the honest statement of an honest man, so help me GoD "-f-orsetshirf papers. OH Salem is sad, and Bethesda is weeping, And Bethel for sympathy droppeth a tear, And Exeter Hall they are draping in sables, For the premature loss of their favourite peer. Although o'er his mansion there blazes no hatchment, Nor needoth he monument, tablet, or stone, Yet the charm of his name hath for ever departed, And his power to draw houses for ever is gone. Then weep for the earl who, on Exeter's platform, At May meetings for years past has taken the chair; Though Bethesda may weep, and Bethesda may sorrow, No more shall his form shine conspicuous there. From the broadsides that blazen old Exeter's portal Shall be missing one lordly and spinster-loved line; No more resplendent in blue, green, or crimson, The name of that noble backslider shall shine. No more shall he plead with an eloquence fervid, Claims urgent and pressing of heathen Feejee; Or tell his wrapt hearers how kerchiefs are needed By the half-naked natives of wild Owhyhee. And although for the lack of a CnRuEN's Concordance, Tears flow down the cheeks of some Indian Begum, On thy platform his chair shall for ever be vacant- In future his sonorous voice shall be dumb. No more shall suave STIGGINs, with flattery servile, His magnificent triumphs of orat'ry land; Or spinsters, arrayed in poke bonnets and pattens, With thumps of umbrellas his speeches applaud. For his jet locks, wherein lay his strength overwhelming, Like SAMsoN's, by violent hands have been shorn; And Exeter Hall's crown, his temples encircling, Hath roughly from his noble forehead been torn. They are sad in Bethesda, there's mourning in Salem, Little Bethel for sympathy droppeth a tear, And Exeter Hall they are draping in sable, For the premature loss of their favourite peer. And unctuous chadbands, with eyes overflowing, And virtuous spinsters, with hair out of curl, Shall gravely lament o'er their bohea and muffins The backsliding of Exeter Hall's favorite earl. CYNICAL SENTIMENTS. BY A FLEET-STRZET TimON. A GOOD-NATURED fellow is another name for a fool. To gain the name, do your friends dirty work without hope of thanks or reward. Why doctors give advice gratis is because it is generally worth nothing. A modern belle and a pauper are much alike. Each tries to gain a settlement-one by a marriage, the other by a parish. Netmo mortalium omnibus horis sapit. Very true. Some people even are never wise at all. When two women are seen talking earnestly together, an affidavit may be taken that the subject of their conversation is dress, or, if married, their husbands. No man's character is so black but what it may be cleaned by gold, if only enough of the metal be used. Love in men is like the distemper in dogs. Neither puppies nor men are worth anything until they have had it. A woman is always ready to praise a friend's dress-when she wants to get a new one out of her husband. A proverbially easy man is the hardest to deal with. The horse leech had only one daughter, says the proverb, and she cried continually, "Give, give !" but the family must have been larger, since each husband fancies he has married her. ErrITArn ON N A .EaoNAUT.-I shall rise again. DOMESTIC MAGAZINES. Wives who are always blowing-up their husbands. THE OVERLAND ROUTE'. BY OuG SPEcIAL COMMISSIONER. No. X. MY DEAn Fut,-Pre-eminently beautiful himself, your Special Com- missioner is therefore particularly gifted with a keen sense to appreciate the beauties of nature, and the more so when, coming from a locality so remarkably deficient in all that makes a place attractive like Aden, he lights upon such a bright gem as Ceylon. You cannot wonder, then, if on his arrival at that island he went off into a rhapsody of admira- tion which considerably astonished the meaner minds he was surrounded by. His Caledonian fellow-voyager and cabin companion, who four days previously had taken oflence at your S. C. for calling down a beatitude on the head of one of the native noblemen of his country- it was the DUKE OF AnBGY,--even that dense son of the land o' cakes and of immortal BusNs was struck with the exceeding beauty of the scenery which characterizes Ceylon. But it was hardly to be expected that he should sympathize with the rapture of your Special Commis-. sioner. In fact your correspondent has reason to believe, from information he received from the other passengers, that that youthful Scot regarded him as slightly "daft," as he expressed it in his northern lingo. Of course on arriving at Point de Gallo the first thing to be done is to land; since, however pleasant may be a sea-voyage on a P. and 0. steamer for a change, for a continuance terra firna has decided advan- tages. Good eating is a poor equivalent for the chance of being drowned, to say nothing of being blown up into the bargain. Nor can the continuous vibratory motion which obtains on board all steam vessels, great or small, and gives you the idea of having been drunk the night before, exactly be considered as conducive to comfort. A pendulum, it is true, would feel itself at home, but human beings, who are not pendulums, have different notions on the subject. The steamer anchored very close to the landing-place, and boats came off to the ship to convey the passengers to the shore. Your Special Commissioner when in his native and far-off land was never a rowing man; for him the name of LEANDER, except as a classic BEcxwITH, who exhibited in the Hellespont instead of the Lambeth Baths, had no charm, nor did his pulse beat with an emulous throb at the sound of CLAsrPEn. As a matter of taste he regards a punt, broad and flat-bottomed, with many cushions, and a can of sherry-cobbler to recruit exhausted nature after the severe exercise of seeing somebody else poling, as the highest triumph of fresh-water boat-building. Consequently it was with feelings of disgust, mingled with fear, that he beheld the apologies for boats in which the Cingalese boatmen proposed to convey his valuable person to the shore. The structure--your Special Commis- sioner is not speaking of the DAVENPORT BROTHERS-rcminded him oa ME. RoEBUex-it was so rude. A hollow tree, and that is all. To such a frail bark did your Special Commissioner commit himself. Pitch and toss is a delightful game, but the pleasure is limited when you act as tossee and the sea as tosser. The fact of your S. C.'s arriving on shore in safety he at first regarded as a favourable omen that he was destined for great things, but on observing that all the other passengers came equally safely to land he gave up that notion, since it was manifestly absurd to suppose that they all, including the obnoxious Caledonian, could attain to that height which he feels he must inevitably reach. It is said, with what truth your Special Commis- sioner knows not, that these boats are splendid sailors, and can face any weather. They may be, only your S. C. would be very sorry personally to put them to the test. Rather would he prefer to be in one of SEARLE'S outriggers on a blowy day, on the Thames below Gravesend, than out at sea in a calm in one of the Cingalese boats. In both cases he would be upset, but in the former he might be picked up and rescued. As a harbour Point de Galle is not considered to be worth much. Sailors assert there is no sea-room, and that it is narow. When in the Cingalese canoe, for it was really no better, your Special Commissioner judged for himself, and disagreed in toto with this verdict, and came to the conclusion that there was only too much sea-room-for being drowned. But as that was his private and personal opinion on the subject, perhaps he is hardly justified in setting it up in contradiction to more experienced judges. Moreover, if for one thing more than another he is famous, it is modesty, so he is willing to agree with the sailors and say that Point de Galle is an inconvenient harbour. At Ceylon the steamer remained seven hours-a short time for your Special Commissioner to gather materials for a full and comprehensive history of the island, which it is his intention to write at some future time. But he is indefatigable, and bearing in mind those enterprising Frenchmen who after a week's sojourn in Leicester-square tell us so many wonderful and previously unknown things about England and the English, he determined to try; but as this is the end and not the beginning of his letter, he will postpone it until his next. My dear FuN, expect something colossal, and you won't be disappointed. I- ~ F. ~ I m APRIL 22, 1865.] F UN 53 Hampstead Heath-Easter Monday. THE gipsy's weary, willing nag Moves on on Easter Sunday, To pitch the tent Where merriment Makes gold on Easter Monday. That Monday, when the sun was up, Nor young nor old at home stayed ; A motley mass All northward pass, To take the air on Hampstead. If there's a god of rude misrule, At Gospel Oak I'm sure he is, For close by there The fun of the fair Does rattle fast and furious. Each hat is hailed with showers of mud,, That to the circle strays in, Where gingerbread Of brassy shade Is sold by ladies brazen. The seedy sibyls of the day In husky notes importune The greasy youths That crowd their booths: To turn the wheel of fortune. The Ethiopian siren aids Her Ethiopian marrow To raise the wind- In song combined They banish care and sorrow. There fun and frolic rule the day, And many a vow is plighted, And match is made By lightsome head, And many a match is lighted. Some howl, some hoot, some dance, some shoot; At cocoa-nut some fling; Some maidens go, Not shy nor slow, To kissing in the ring. Some biped donkeys proudly ride On meek four-footed brothers; The stately chase, Whose tame steed brays, Is patronized by others. Then comes the jovial hour of shrimps, Of cresses, tea and tattle; The Vale of Health Has sounds of wealth, As cups and saucers rattle. And when the moon lights up the Heath, Wearied of game and gambol, Good night," they say, And on the way They homeward reel and ramble. Oh, de Cologne! IT appears that the exhibition at Cologne is not getting on so well as was expected. Exhibitors are very backward, and the whole affair is likely to come to the ground. We are not surprised, for of what use is it to outsiders to send articles, when the inhabitants of Cologne will naturally excel them in anything that is s(c)ent ? THE PIPE OF PEACE. A G-AuD meeting of the Peace Society has been held at Bristol. We may venture to predict that the particular Bristol bird's-eye view they took of things in general is likely to end in smoke. ADHESION To Low HABITS.-To tell lies and stick to them. HousEHOLD WonRD.-Rent and Taxes. NOTES AND QUERIES. A MUPF.-You wish to know the gender of "a train." Why, of course it is feminine. Don't you often miss it? A SHAREHOLDaE.-You may wind up your watch without an appli- cation to the Court of Bankruptcy. In that case you will not be the official assignee, but the officious ass-. JOLTERPATE says he has, in consequence of a little tiff with Mus. J., quite "lost his head." He ought to be very glad she has gone if they quarrelled. kPnuxnNAPE rN.-Although you pay a penny for our current number, it can hardly be described as a brown study." VIATOR complains that a walking tour wears out the sole of his boots. If he did not keep his shoes on in-doors he would not wear them out so much. We only know of one way to prevent the evil. He must walk on his head. GREEDY.-Venison may perhaps be spoken of among aldormon as a hart-y meal. WATERMxA.-The proceedings at the Oxford and Cambridge boat race the other day were opened with a song. The two rival crows sang the well-known air, All is oar now.' A FR:Nxc SCHOLAR.-We are not aware of any slave-market scone in L'.Africaine, and know nothing of the song in it you speak of, Sol a Moor." Perhaps you don't mean C'est I'amour." A LATIN SCeoLAn.-Croquet is not the vocative case of crocus. As for crockery, we don't see how you can derive that from crocus at all. LAmRA wants to know what she is to do. She has spent half a life- time in trying to find out the derivation of violet." Vy-lot it alone, of course. A Bucx.-If you look at a fallow deer it is quite impossible that yo should really behold it, because it's a fallow, see. A SERENADE. Adapted for Drawing-room Songsters. WHILE the gentle moon, Like a silver spoon, It stirs the mystic ocean, And each gentle breeze It stirs the trees, With a soft and pleasant motion, Oh, list to mo While I sing to thee, About my heart's devotion. While slumbers mamma, And snores papa, And darkness is propitious, To your window I steal, And there reveal My grief and pain delicious; But now I must cease, For here's the police A-eyeing me suspicious! SLIGHTLY PARADOXICAL. Sm RICAnnRD MAYNE, our English edition of a French prefect of police, has been exhibiting again. Not that that is a thing of unfro- quent occurrence; quite the contrary. Only this time our Scotland- yard Fouch6 has been erring on the side of meroy, which, as MRs. GAmP would say, is astonishing. It appears that the Barnot magis- trates had ordered some juvenile offenders to be birched, and Sin RicHAn--kind, good man-forbad the execution of the sentence, for fear the cries of the youthful offenders might reach the ears of the wives and daughters of the operating Bobbies, and lacerate the tender hearts of those susceptible relatives. Now, really this is very beautiful, and shows how much the man has been misunderstood. Here is a sympathetic peeler with a vengeance! How soft must be his heart-- only, in fact, equalled by his head-if he imagines that such bunkum will go down with the British public. Unfortunately, however, the generality of the B. P., with the remembrance of the arbitrary, not to say brutal, conduct of the Chief Commissioner towards the Strutton- ground costermongers and the London boardmen fresh upon them, do not look upon his refusal to carry out the sentence of the magistrates as a proof of tender-heartedness, but rather as an attempt to set his authority above that of the law, and that the excuse he made for the non-performance was a simple evasion. That Sm RICHARnn MAYNE was backed up by Sin GEORGE GREY was only natural. Our Home Secretary is our Home Secretary still; the force of language can no further go. FUN. [APRIL 22, 1865. PERSONAL. Cabby:-" WHAT D'YER CATL THIS? 'TAn'T A PENNY A STONE!" 3[r. De .iuts -"I'LL HAVE TOUR NUMBER, YOU IMPUDENT FELLOW '" Cabby (whose number is one):-" YES, YOU'D BETTER. YOU LOOKS LIKE A COVE AS LOOKS ARTER NUMBER ONE!" Eeptimus Fogg at the Volunteer Review. BRIus TON, Monday night. Fuo, you vagrant! what the deuce did you send me down here for P My dear boy, I'm wounded, and though it be not, as Mercutio would say, "deep as a well and wide as a church door," it has neither the advantages of the one nor the t'other. I've not the coolness of the well, nor the water therein wherewith to dilute my whisky, nor have I the piety of a church door. "FOGG, you lubber, get up!" Now, sir, I ask you whether that was a salutation suited to one of my ability and position on an eventful morning such as that of Easter Monday, whereupon deeds of valour were to be done, and I was to put in an appearance at Brighton ? But I'll forgive GnoooINs after thus making him im- mortal, and give you a little ode that I made on first catching sight of the blue waters of the far-rolling ocean. You must print it, or I swear I won't write for you any more:- The sea! sea come on, ye waves, And wash the lips of humble caves, Where maiden fair her white limbs laves, And SEPTIMUS looks on and shaves, (not looks 'on at the lady bathing, you understand; but I'm on a neighboring promontory, shaving with the aid of the bottom of a new tin teapot that HILDEBRAND SNUG brought down with him attached to his bayonet-sheath,) And o'er thy beauties sweetly raves. Blow, breezes, blow, blow on! Blow on, on, on, and on! Is that repetition of the word "on" not exquisite ? Could TENNY- soN,,beat it, or ROBERT BRowNIo ? I wasn't late for the train, sir, but I was put in a box with the commandant's bay mare. It was a very small box, luckily, and she couldn't kick very well. I sat calmly under that portion of her anatomy in which the Greeks secreted them- selves aforetime before the walls of Troy, and smoked. Philosophy wrapped me as in a cloak, and I did not notice stoppages, presuming that we should get to Brighton some day or other. Fatal misconcep- tion! I was shunted-positively shunted 'Pon my life I never before felt so humiliated. Shunted! And the commandant in his excitement forgot his bay mare. But come, oblivion! Here I lie breathing my life out on these Sussex Downs. Would you hear of the review ? Oh, thrice-told tale! Could the pen of SEPTIMUS FOGG condescend to the common- place of manoeuvres, right-abouts, counter-marching, and double quick ? No, sir, never! I have, indeed, but a dim recollection of joining my company at a critical moment-of rushing, bayonet fixed, into position, regardless of the muttered curses of my comrades, who were, doubtless, in the vividness of their imaginations swearing heartily at some supposed enemy. I squeezed into the rank, and obeyed the command to halt and unfix bayonets. I sheathed my weapon; how, I knew not. The order was given to kneel. I knelt. Was it the fervour of my patriotism, the deep glory which pervaded my soul, or the splendid brilliancy of my conceptions which made me lift up my voice and cry aloud ? Whatever it was, my dear boy, I felt the embracing arms of my comrades around me, and I conceived that I was at Corunna in the martial cloak of MOOEn. If it was the fervour of patriotism, if it was the deep glory of my soul, if it was the brilliancy of my conceptions which caused me to utter loud sounds, how comes it, I asked myself, that I feel a pain in a part of my economy upon which I generally rest myself ? Heigho! the indignity is immense; but imagine me borne aloft on the shoulders of four stalwart members of the Dragon's Teeth Volun- teers! Borne whither ? Ah, whither ? Bright eyes follow the course of my pen as I trace this communication. Bright eyes, did I V. ~ U THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS. F U NI.-. ,'nL 22, 196.| APaIL 22, 1865.] IFUN. Yours, SEPTIMUS FOGG. THE IRON CHEST. WHEN the city of London is wrapped in gloom, And each street is as lone as the silent tomb ; When no sound is heard of hurrying feet, And the gas-lamps light up the deserted street, And the only step borne on the midnight air Is the tramp of the p'liceman patrolling there ; In fact, when the city is sunk to rest Is played the old drama, The Iron Chest. And although the version be somewhat new, It hath this advantage, 'tis strictly true, And possesses a charm that playgoers prize-- It adhereth close to the unities. 'Tis as full of sensation, you'll see full soon, As the Colleen Bsawn or the Octoroon, And further reading will quickly show That our drama can boast of a grand tableau. Acr I. A merchant sits in his easy chair And clasps his hands with a troubled air, And wipes his glasses and nurses his knees- In fact that merchant is ill at ease; And thus he spake, Now my failing health Needs a home in the country, I'll stow my wealth Where no burglars can touch it; 't shall safely rest, Securely locked up in an Iron Chest." The safe is ordered, the price is paid, And the merchant's fears in the deep are laid; And with shining silver and yellow gold, And bank-notes in many a crease and fold, And three-per-cent. stock held from solvent JoHN BuLL, That safe is crammed till 'tis nearly full. " Ha ha!" laughed the merchant, "I dare the best Of the burglars to rifle my Iron Chest." ACT II. The burglar sings as he packeth his tools, "Who'd think our merchants could be such fools? For their treble-locked safes I don't care a whit, They must yield to my drill and centre-bit, In the trusty teeth of my watchapring saw, I defy e'en a Peeler to find a flaw; So while all the city is sunk to rest, I'll try and rifle the Iron Chest." A hole is cut through the office floor- A hole is drilled in the iron door; The safe is open-the glorious prize Lies all exposed to the robber's eyes; The booty is stowed in an orthodox bag, And the burglar sings as he bolts with the swag, " Though CHUBB and MIL.NE have done their best, I think I've rifled the Iron Chest." say ? Oh, bright were but a poor expression by which to describe those sympathetic orbs which had played mad havoc with my tender reminiscences of MRS. FOGG! If Romeo, says Juliet, had been cut into stars and stuck in the firmament, he would have drawn men's eyes from the garish sun. If a tender surgeon could dissect the beauties of Awxi LESLIE, and stick them on poles upon the Sussex Downs on the day of a review, I wouldn't answer for the loyalty of a single volunteer-they'd all forsake their colours. But if they did, by JOVE, there'd be warfare, indeed, 'tween them and me My wound is healing rapidly, I am told. Oh, that it would never heal, or that my blood might strike root upon this couch! Pish! pshaw! what ravings are these, when eleven little FOGGs are clamouring for mutton and mince pies ANNIE LESLIE, farewell! we part to meet no more! I sheathe my bayonet-safely this time. I turn from lucid day to impenetrable FOGGS. The sea murmurs now, unmolested by the explosion of gunpowder and the noisy clamour of pretentious war. There are no seagulls here-dear birds. I see no cormorant. One or two little feathered bipeds trot about the sands. And all this I must leave to return to -London. Was man made to live in cities ? No! He was intended to grow in a garden guiltless even of fig-leaves. Oh, naughty EE ! I sink to gentle sleep. You shall have my packet by the morning mail. I doze-a fair hand cooling my brow with eau-de-cologne. Oh! oh! AcT III., AND TABLEAU. The merchant next morning, at nine of the clock, Unlocks his office. Al, me! the shock! His safe is empty, he's forced to own, His riches have taken them wings, and flown. The burglars have left not a single note, Not a sovereign or shilling, not even a groat; And he groaneth, Alas it must be confessed That the burglars have rifled my Iron Chest!" CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED uT BY Oua Own MouuHAnD. SMITH.-So it turns out the Russian plague is not so bad after all, in spite of what the Times said about "forty physicians" having died. BaowN.-Especially as the forty" now turn out to be four, two of whom are returned as doubtful. SMITH.-Yes; but what could have been the reason of their publish- ing such an alarmist notice ? BnowN.-Reason-oh, simple enough. The Times was afraid people might be lulled into a false security by making too light of the visita- tion, and so sought to counteract it by overdoing it. SurrTH.-A case of Vaulting ambition that o'crleaps itself," it seems to me. BnowN.-Rather; and they've come dov, n on t'other sido with a wop this time. SMITH.-Do you see the ironworkers in the North are now clamour- ing for Arbitration Courts, to prevent strikes in future ? BnowN.-Yes; and they are preparing to strike rather than not obtain them, which seems rather a contradictory process. SMITH. -Well, it does; though I am almost in doubt if they will find the arbitration quite so satisfactory as they imagine. BBown.-Why not ? SMTHn.-Because they want all take and no give; and when they discover that they will have both to give and take, their views as to the efficacy of the procedure will undergo a material change. Bicnow.- So Canada is to be defended. Did you see what a magni- ficent sum was lately voted? SMITH.-Yes, 50,000. Really it quite takes away one's breath. BnowN.-More especially as something like 500,000 is wanted for Quebec alone. SMITH.-Still, I think the Canadians ought to do something for themselves. BBowN.-They ought; but you'll see they won't, so long as they find the mother country will do it for them. THE NEW FASHION AT PARIS. A WRITER from the centre of European civilization writes to say that the ladies of Paris are shocking his sense of propriety. How, shall be told in the following lines: On, the merry girls of Paris, How thundering fast are they; They're now not satisfied unless They're ultra-d6colletd. A correspondent sends us news That all the girls appear With scarcely any dress besides A jewel in their car. And let us add, a necklace, too, Just to relieve the skin; And in a kerchief, Lyon's laco, A handsome diamond pin. Oh, the merry girls of Paris, What's happened to their sense Of even French propriety, That they should thus incense A London journalist, whose nose Errs on the mildest side P How scandalous must be their dart To pierce his rugged hide! But the merry girls of Paris Have a way that's quite their own; And we leave the journalist and they To pick this graceless bone. 58 FUN. [APRIL 22, 1865. AT THE PLAY. P ASSION week in the theatrical world is a sort of clearing-up time; S then come off the benefits of fifth- rate action; then are held the meet- ings of charitable theatrical bodies, and then takes place the final rehearsals of the Easter pieces, when the finishing touches are put u. pon the new productions, and N the actors and actresses make their last demands on the unhappy \\ authors as to what shall and what shall not be cut out of their new parts. General bustle is the order of the day and night, and every one connected with the theatres has an anxious time of it. Some .- few establishments take time by the oft-quoted forelock, and boldly S produce their novelties before the -- regulation Easter Monday. In- stance the Adelphi, where MR. BYno's now burlesque was played -- on Monday week, just seven days before the orthodox time. With various legends, nursery stories, and classical fictions has Mn. BrYION taken liberties ore this, but never, we ween, has he so boldly struck out a line, or, to speak more correctly, a succession of lines, for himself as in Pan, or the .Lores of BEco and N'arcissus. Mythology has been treated in a way that would make the hair of LEiMPiuERE stand on end in horror, were that respected scholar to revisit this sublunary sphere, and we can almost fancy that if he did come back he would take summary vengeance on Mit. BYnoN, by hurling at him his classical dictionary-and it's a big'book-and incontinently smiting him therewith to earth. To show to what extent all recognized traditions are violated, we cannot do better than quote the author's argument, wherein heo gives a short, yet true and particular account of the action of the burlesque :- Pan, being anxious to be loved for himself alone, obtains permission to go to Earth as a man; but not, when human, to possess any divine attributes. Disguised as a peasant, he beholds Syrinx, and on finding she loves Narcissus, the indignant P'an blights the crops, and afflicts the whole neighbourhood with the consequences of his displeasure. Echo, who loves Pan, makes a compact with Syrinx (who loves Narcissus), the terms of which are that Syrinx shall do her best to induce Pan to return the love of Echo, whilst Echo shall try to bring about a match between Syrinx and Narcissus. Echo plays her friend false, and induces Syrinx to take a sea trip -really selling her to the pirates-while Pan sells Echo to the same purchasers. Narcissus enters the vessel disguised as a mariner, and drugging the pirates' wine, escapes with the two Nymphs. Pan, having lost his love-for Syrinx, who unsel- fishly saves Echo, is now beloved by Pan-and being haunted by Echo, whom Jupiter converts into a wandering voice, pipes up his own dirge on the favourite instrument which bears his name, and which he forms from a reed by the river bank, and de- termines to stop at home for the future, and not interfere with mortals." There! and if that is not enough to horrify any lover of the ancient classics, pure and undefiled, we should like to know what is. It speaks volumes-nay, whole libraries. When the time arrives for Mi. BYRON to visit the dark realms of PLUTO, which, absit omen, we hope is far distant, we fancy he'll have rather an uncomfortable time of it with OvID and one or two more of the classic poets who were supposed to be authorities on mythological points, and explanations will, on his side, certainly be the order of the day. However, after all, that is his affair entirely, and one with which the public should have really nothing to do. What we look for is amusement, and that he has pro- vided us with handsomely. The extravaganza is not altogether a new one; that is, it has been written for some time, although never before acted. It is full of puns, as an egg is full of meat (not that eggs are full of meat; in fact, one might just as well say that an egg was full of wedding-cake, or turtle soup; but we scorn to appear wiser than our fathers, and emend the old simile, even in these days of Mosaic cosmogony, ad la COLENSO), and break-down dances, and parodies crop up as thick as bristles on a newly-shorn convict's head. By the bye, having seen some hundreds of break-down dances in our time, we are gradually coming to the con- clusion that there isn't much fun in them after all. Saltatory gymnastics are hardly provocative of rampant hilarity, especially when, as at present, they are all so very much alike. Perhaps it is that we are getting old, and it is our inability to perform similar Terpsichorean feats that makes us envious of those who can. Yet; somehow, it was not by such means that ALBERT SMITH and PLANCHE drew crowded houses to their extravaganzas. But this won't do. MR. ByRON provided us -with a hearty laugh, and here we're abusing the means. It is ingratitude of the basest kind! Of the actors Mi. TOOLE decidedly shone the brightest. His Pan X1"r, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.-Suspended Payment. How TO SAVE YOUR BACON.-IA:: .t. / V C was excellent. Grotesque in the extreme, yet withal pos easing a certain amount of fidelity to nature, which appeared even in the wildest and most absurd passages, and showed the actor was following a plan laid down in his own mind, the impersonation is one of the best, if not the very best of all the burlesque characters he has employed. As an instance of this we may mention his drunken scene and the sensation curse, both of which were extraordinarily amusing. MRS. ALFRED MELLON was also a particularly pleasant representative of Narcissus, and both by her singing and acting gained, as she always does, great applause. Nor must we forget MBn. PAUL BEDFOsD, whom, as the friend of all the playgoing public, we may with perfect truth style, "our mutual friend." He played the Carian Pirate, and a most ferocious pirate he was. Two new actresses, Miss LILIAN BRUCE and Miss CLAAe DENVIL, have boon added to the company, and they filled the parts of Syrinx and Echo very satisfactorily. On the whole the piece was, and deservedly, a great success, and adds another leaf to the very extreme tree of Mn. BynON's burlesque fame. At the Olympic a wise management has taken the pruning knife in hand, and judiciously cut down Mr. T. TAYLon's spun-out Settling Day from five to three acts. Too much praise cannot be awarded to the step, and we hope it may be the cause of preventing many a yawn which the wearisome nature of the piece in its former state rather provoked. LETTERS TO THE COUNTRY. ON THE OPENING OF THE LONDON SEASON. No. VI.-FEMININE. DEAR BELLA,-I went to the race Between the dark blue and light blue; It was the excitingest chase That I in my life ever knew. My CHARLIE'S a Cantab, you know, And he followed the boats on his mare; And I heard his dear voice call out, "Row, Cambridge, row!" and I then heard him swear! At Hammersmith-bridge the light blue Was a couple of lengths in advance; But when they got nearer to Kew, It was clear they had lost every chance. Well, never mind, dear, lots of gloves I have won from both friends and from foes; And though the dear Cantabs are doves, I'm happy quite down to my toes. Oh, BELLA! how sweet was the air, And yet sweeter the glances of some UJndergrads, who looked devil-me-care, Whilst others looked anxious and glum. I'm afraid, my dear BELLA, they bet, And then when their boat seems to lose, They get in a horrible pet, And give themselves up to both blues. Poor boys! I'm sometimes in a rage To think of them living alone, Poring o'er classical page, With no petticoat, bodice, or zone! Oh, dons! I shall bless you, I'm sure, If girls are allowed to compete; Then I might complete CHARLIE'S cure, And make him as polished as sweet. Now, dearest, I'll just say a word About politics, science, and art; If I'm right, dear, you never have heard Of the diamond cameo carte. Thereby you may represent two, One's head in the other one's hand, Sans body-an exquisite do, Which no fellow can understand. The studios are just now in vogue, To-day I am going the round; I shall wish you good-bye now, you rogue, For CHARLIE is calling--daf sound! GRACE. APRIL 22, 1865.] FUN. 01je Nahits Varliammtd. (REPORTED BT OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.) LADY BULL took her seat on-the woolsack at five o'clock, but finding that article full of thorns, which penetrated her crinoline in the most uncomfortable fashion, she suggested an adjournment until their lords' return, when she proposed to make a representation for the purpose of saving the cuticles of future chancellors. Hereupon their ladyships adjourned, amid faint cries of Shame !" though what for nobody could make out. In the Lower House MRs.' BULL opened the proceedings by reading the QUEEN'S speech, as follows:- LADIES OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, On this the first occasion of your assembling, I have to congratulate you on the pluck you have manifested in at last taking the reins of government into your own fingers. It is a proverb, ladies, that when the cat is away the mice are at play, or, as my lord of the bed chamber, Mn. HonATIUs FUN, M.P., would say, when the cat is away it is probably gone on to the tiles to give a concert, or to meet some feline friends in consultation. When the cat is away, as I said, you may want clawses, but I don't think you will want bills. But let me warn you, that if I find any corruption among ye, I will invoke a special sitting of your masters, and stop your peccadilloes. Well, ladies, there will be brought before you various useful and entertaining measures. The HON. MRs. WHALLEY, who, I believe, is an epicene character, and is sometimes in trousers made of broadcloth, and sometimes in similar garments made of a slighter and more washable material, will introduce to your honourable House a measure for putting down dogs which howl in the vicinage of ecclesiastical edifices during divine service. This will be a measure which cannot fail to recommend itself to your attention, for it is diverting to one's attention to be reminded of the old couplet, t dogs delight to bark and bite, For 'tis their nature to.' Nature must not run riot in that way, and I trust that, your own pugs andpoodles excepted, you will endeavour to put an end .to the nuisance by passing MAs. WHIIALLEY'S admirable measure. Mrs. SCULLY, I am led to understand, will bring under your notice a motion for abolishing dip candles, because a remote relation of hers in the north of Ireland finds that the smell of the burnt wick does not agree with her weak nerves. This I consider to be a contingent benefit to Ireland, which island has my tenderest sympathies, and if you can oblige Mrs. SCULLY I shall consider that you are a charitable set of females. Mas. PALMERSTON will introduce a bill for abolishing the wearing of the sprigs of green stuffbetween the lips. This must also meet the approval of all among you who have any recollection of the days when you were kissed. To have a man with a holly bush or a small oak tree protruding from his thorax must be an extremely inconvenient business, and one which I strenuously condemn. But I feel I am wearying you with what you will all hear in good time, and I accordingly leave you to your own devices." Mas. ROEDUc, moved a reply to the address. There was only one thing she regretted to observe in what HER MAJESTY had been gra- ciously pleased to say to them, and that thing was the reference to dogs in the vicinage of ecclesiastical edifices. Now Tearem was himself not over pious, and he sometimes barked at dignitaries. She (MAs. R.) was afraid, therefore, that the public out of doors might imagine that the QUEEN intended something personal, and she (the speaker) was sure that nothing was further from HER MIAJESTY'S imagination. M s. BULL thought that a personal explanation on the first evening of the session was rather an unpromising piece of business, and would MRs. TEAREM-she begged pardon, Mirs. ROEBUCK-go on with her speech? Mns. RomnBcx said that, in reply to the speaker-(order, order)-in reply to the speaker, that she intended to defend the absent at whatever cost. Mns. DISRAELI got up amidst the cheers of an antique-looking old party who had crept into the strangers' gallery unobserved, and who was understood to be her female representative of defunct protection, and called Mrs. RoEBUCK to order. If they were going to open the session with personalities, revolution would commence its march, and the orient would shed its glory on dismal dismay and impenetrable chaos before the House rose. (The old female in the strangers' gallery was heard to go into fits of admiration. Mus. BULL ordered her to be swept out by the newest ollicial broom.) At this instant the tea bell rang, and in five minutes the House was counted out. Our Special Commissioner took a muffin and a cup of chocolate, and then departed to transcribe his notes. THE MA(Y)INE LAW. THERE is a certain statute of the realm, Approved by those who-well, say, guide the helm Of state, which for young thieves provides the fate Of a birch rod. Yet that there may not grate On parents' feelings thoughts of prison-fare, And company with felons, and to sparo Unhappy lads a gaol's contamination, The whipping's ordered at the nearest station Of the police. Hence rises all the fray 'Twixt beaks" and bobbies "-subject of my lay. At Barnet, lately, certain lads were brought Before the "justices;" redress was sought; The culprits ordered to be whipped, the doom To be met by them in that house of gloom, The Barnet station. Forthwith from the head Of Barnet station came the answer dread, We cannot whip them here ; the reason's plain- WE'RE ORDERED NOT TO BY SIR RICHARLD MAYNR." Stunned by this answerin its awful force, The magistrates essayed another course. They wrote to great SIR RICITARn-pointed out The act empowering what they were about; The statute's words, precise and crystal clear, Admitting no evasion. Then with fear Of getting into scrapes, despatched their letter. 'Twas good-Sir RicHAin's answer though was better; He didn't question their unshaken law, Nor hint that in the act there was a flaw; He simply said, The statute-I avow it, WHIPPING AT STATION-HOUSE-I CAN'T ALLOW IT." So stands the question-on one side the act, On t'other the Commissioner and fact; Fill up the picture with the House enraged, Successive members angrily engaged In asking questions, and a sharp affray With that mild Secretary, doubting GaEY, Who made a bad case worse by his defence, And crushed both statute law and common sense, Making the converse of the old line plain, Since 'tis not now 1Britannia rules the dayne. MR. BULL'S YOUNG FRIEND. ScENE.--Downing-street. 1 p.m. Present-LORD PALMERSTON. .Enter Mi. Jonu BULL. PAM (loq.).-Well, JOHN, what the deuce are you here for ? J. B.-The fact is, I've seen a paragraph in the papers (draws out a periodical) which I want you to explain. It is this :-" The project for increasing the allowance of the PIRINcE or WALE is said to have been withdrawn." What does that mean ? PAm.-What it says, my dear JOHN. J. B.-Nonsense! The boy wanted it, or he wouldn't have asked for it; and having asked for it, he'd no business to withdraw it. I never knew one of my youngsters who'd got too much money. It's no infernal stinginess of GLADSTONE'S, is it PAA.-No, Jona. I assure you that the matter has been satisfac- torily arranged. EDwAnD's mother will make it up to him. J. B.-What do you mean, sir ? Must my future lord and king be driven to his mother for a little extra pocket money ? Confound you, PALMERSTON I thought you had more brains in your head. Just tell GLADSTONE that this won't do-I won't stand it. EDWARD has as much as he wants, or I'll strike. PAM.-Ho! ho! ho! JoaN, your getting savage. The boy shall have what you like; but he withdrew his application. J. B.-Fiddlesticks, sir Some of you puling economists, retrench- ment men, went and bothered him. By St. George, he shall have it though! PAt.-By all means, JOHN, if he wants it. J. B.-Wants it! Suppose you give up your official salary ? You manage to live without it when out of office; you don't want it; but you find it pleasant to have a long purse. PAM.-Certainly, Jonx, certainly. J. B.-Well, PAM, all I want is for you to see that some miserable motive of expediency doesn't keep EDwAnD short. If it does there'll be a row. PAM.-All right, JOHN. Good morning. [Exit Joun BULL. 59 mi TT ~NX [APRIL 22, 1865. CD.r I.. - J iN. - -_____ Kb A ~z--.~ EASTER MONDAY REVIEW. (Our young friend D'ALxxI, who is not over fond of much exercise, was prevailed upon to join his Corps at the late Rcview at Brighton, upon being informed that they would act as Garrison Artillery.) Colonel:-" DOUBLE ur! DOUBLE ur, Smn!" [But our frienddon't think it so easy after following the colonel's horse for the last three hours. OUR VAGRANT CORRESPONDENT ON 'CHANGE." MY DEAn FUN,-It has often occurred to your Vagrant Corres- pondent that next to the sight of money in his own possession, the most gratifying sight was money in the possession of somebody else, and after that the sight of the possessors of money themselves. From the first of these delights, owing to the supply of the precious metals in his case proving utterly disproportioned to the demand, he is unhappily debarred, and from the second also, owing to the fact that persons in the possession of the precious metals aforesaid resolutely refuse to display them to an admiring public, except, perhaps, in the solitary instance of money-changers, who exhibit in their shop windows wooden soup- bowls of sovereigns and louis d'ors, to be contemplated by the passers- by, which to a certain extent is a luxury. Even this enjoyment is limited; for the police are indiscriminating, and cannot distinguish the philosopher, feasting his eyes on, to him, unattainable luxuries, from the intending burglar, meditating the annexation of the soup-bowls in an irregular, not to say felonious, manner. But if the two first delights are forbidden to him, the third is still open. And where can your Vagrant Contributor so well indulge in it as on 'Change ? So on 'Change he went. Arrived before the building, he pondered for some time ere he entered those precincts sacred to PLUTUS, for there was a beadle with a cocked hat before the gates, and to beadles your V. C. is constitu- tionally averse. However, he was reassured by two small boys who were playing at leap-frog hard by the portals of the edifice, and who indulged in ribald, and by no means inaudible remarks on the official. " Where they chaff, shall you be hindered," said the philosopher to himself-" never, no!" And with a firm step and an air calculated to lead the unwary to believe that he was the possessor of a fleet of merchantmen and a director of the Bank of England, your Vagrant Contributor passed into the Royal Exchange. Notwithstanding the confident air with which he strode boldly by the official, your V. C. could not but be aware of a withering glance that shot from out the corner of tIe beadleian eye, and which plainly said, "For all your airs and graces I know your landlady hasn't been paid, and your tailor has threatened to take steps to recover your debt to him." This was disconcerting, but your V. C. was not to be put down so easily. Returning the depreciatory glance with interest-and the powers of his eye must be seen to be understood-he proceeded to take notes of what he saw. Your Vagrant Contributor was disappointed. He had expected to see a crowd of gorgeously attired males passing cheques to one another for fabulous amounts, and stuffing them into pocket-books plethoric with thousand-pound notes; to see BARING go up to ROTHS- CHILD and gravely whisper in his ear words pregnant perhaps with ruin or salvation to some foreign nationality; or to hear MATTHEW MARSHAL come forward and in a loud voice proclaim the raising or lowering of the Bank' rate of discount. But none of these things did your Vagrant Contributor either see or hear. No; he saw about one hundred and fifty or two hundred tolerably well dressed but melan- choly looking men lounging about with their hands in their pockets, and chatting, it may have been on business, but from the frequent glances that were cast upwards to the sky, it looked like the weather. At a quarter to four they arrived; at a quarter past they departed. And these are the merchant princes of England," said your V. C. as he left the building, a disenchanted man; they wear broadcloth, and their boots are not leaky ; but their faces, their faces lack jollity, and they have a discontented, anxious look, and they seem very sad. The ruddy hue of health is absent from their cheeks, and their com- plexions are either like their sovereigns or pallid as their own bank notes, while the light of laughter beams not in their eyes. Does money do all this ? Can money thus drive away the sunshine from their hearts ? Then let me still be a Vagrant Contributor." And the philosopher went home a happier man, and wrote his copy. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Publiesed for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 0O, Fleet-street, E.C.-April 22, 1865. rArRIL 22, 1865. L -m T %v APRIL 29, 1865.] F U N. AT THE PLAY. thettriecl minta srs may be trusted to S' discover as quickly as most people on .which side their --J bread is buttered, Z and when they do ". ". -- ""' get hold of a piece V.'5\ that "pulls in the money," they are in no hurry to discard ST it, let the season be What it may. Thus |( it comes to pass that comparatively few novelties have been S N ] produced thisEaster. S- aDrury Lane heads S' / the list of novelty, I' producing houses with the revival of MILTON'S Comus, Which, if it only rea- lizes the expectations of its admirers, is to prove a veritable Eldorado to MESSRS. FALCONER and CHATTERTON. Both the acting and singing were worthy of the illustrious author, and the interpolated song, by MR. EDMUND FAL- CONER, "Waste not in Dreams," was quite in keeping with the rest of the poetry, and not, as is too frequently the case, an addition but no improvement. In the matter of decoration, MR. BEVERLEY seems to have outdone himself, and to have at last attained the highest point of scenic excellence which it is possible to reach. VWe say he seems to have done this, but he has so often seemed to have exhausted -all known resources, and yet astonished us with still more wonderful effects at the next opportunity, that we are really doubtful to what length he will eventually go. Miss MLnlE WILTON, whose name is a household word to all frequenters of the Strand Theatre, and who, in addition to being one of our very best burlesque actresses, holds no mean position in the realms of light comedy, has taken upon herself the cares of manage- ment. Really she is to be pitied; theatrical housekeeping may have its pleasures, but it also assuredly has its pains. Under her auspices, the Prince of Wales Theatre has not only taken a new lease of life, but has positively been reborn-such material alterations has she effected in the dingy and out-at-elbow Thespian temple which six months ago existed in Tottenham-street. On the opening night she presented her visitors with a rattling farce, by MR. J. P. WOOLER, entitled, A Winning Hazard, and a pi&ce de resistance in the shape of a burlesque, by Mi. BYRON, on La Somnambula. The latter was, of course, the event of the evening, and is decidedly one of the very best of MR. BYRON'S efforts. Inexpressibly comic, yet never coarse, it abounds in legitimate fun; and when we say that MR. JoHN CLARKE was the Amina, and Miss MARIE WeILTON the Alessio, no one can doubt the result achieved. Miss FANNY JOSEPHS made a very pleasant Elvino, her singing especially being above the average of burlesque execution; and Mit. F. DrwAn, as Count Rodolpho, played most gro- tesquely, and received great and well-merited applause. This time MR. BYRox has taken no violent liberties with his subject, but has adhered to the original, and the closeness of the parody makes it all the more absurd. The evening's entertainments closed with the farce of Vandyke Brown, when MR. J. CLARKE played the hero. At the Royalty Ma. F. C. BURNAND has provided a continuation of his famous Ixion for the amusement of the frequenters of that house, and certainly, if Pirithous has as long and successful a run as his parent, both the lessees and the author maybe contented. Supported by puns, parodies, and pretty faces, the new burlesque was most favourably received, and deservedly, for the lines are in many places far above the average word jingle which but too often does duty for humour in modern productions of the kind. As a writer of classical burlesques MR. BURNAND is unequalled, and though some of the jokes introduced were old friends, yet there were a sufficient quantity of new and good ones to atone for that fault. The popular tunes in- troduced are also well selected; notably the one from Orphle aux .Efers, "Quandj'etais roi," which was sung by Mit. FRED HUGHES, who plays John Styx, Pluto's man-of-all-work, with a weakness for the water of Lethe, most ludicrously. Mn. W. H. STEPHENS, who played Pluto, was also very amusing. Nor must we omit mention of MR. JOSEPH Romxs, under whose hands Hercules made his appear- ance as a cross between a demigod and a pugilist. And he looked the character to the life, and the scene where he displays the cups he has won in his various encounters was particularly rich. But, good gracious we are forgetting the ladies, so place au.x dames. Well, they all tried to look their prettiest, and as none of them were behind the door when the beauty was served out, they succeeded to perfection. To particularize the acting of one more than the other would be in- vidious, so we shall merely say that all did their best, and met with a warm reception from the audience. Of Mlt. FECHTER'S new version of Taillasse, M3R. 11. T. CuRAEN'S One-Trce .Hill at the Strand, and Mu. BURNAND'S Ulysscs, in which a son of the late MRt. RoPsoN made his first bow to a London public, we must speak next week. Time and space-the latter the most im- portant-forbid it in the present number. NEW FEDERAL CHANT, As SUNG xBY Mlt. BAccuus JonxsoN (V. P.) HANG JErF. DAVIS high as IIHAMAN, Never let him say an amen, Hang him up ingloriously; Wind the horn and wave the banner, Now the South's not worth a tanner, Yankees shout triumphantly! Draw the cork, and bring the pewter, Let us drink the Federal future, Let us drink it boisterously ! Hang the slavers, and in quarters Make them ornament our mortars Whilst they thunder splendidly. Ring the bells in every steeple, Make intoxicate the people- People of great Yankeedom ! Blood and slaughter! let us revel, Send the slavers to the devil- Phosphorescent purgat'ry! Loosen warrior dogs and puppies, Let them know where MAus' red cup is, Full of wine insanguinat ; Let them drain it to the bottom, Till the very deuce has got 'em, Horribly infuriate ! Drown the shouts for love or mercy, Wall-street! be ye proud and pursy, Shoddy-lined most perfectly. Stand, ye ministers, by LINCOLN; Gax'rN shall fight whilst I will drink on- Drink to our great Unity. And I'm Jouxsox, drunkard JonNsox, Who thus sing a warrior's chanson, O'er the Richmond victory; I'm vice-president and BACCHUS Of this continent, and back us To lick all contemporaries. The Queen's English. CHARGEs by implication are more dffllicult to rebut than direct accusations. We would, therefore, on behalf of His Royal Highness, protest against the Court Journal's wording of the following para- graph:- A fire-brigade is to be formed at Sandringham, and the Prince has ordered the construction of a large number of labourers' houses on the estate." From the strange way in which the two facts are jumbled together, one would be inclined to fancy that the writer meant uh to understand that the Prince was building the houses, just as one lays down foxes for the sport they will afford. The C. J. ought to be more careful! Oracular and Auricular. WE hear that a new club is to be started shortly, to consist of a hundred members, and to take the name of "The Century." The members, of course, by this arrangement, will only have one (y)ear apiece, but we suppose it will be a good long one to make up for it! THE DEATII-BLOW TO SLAVERY. A YANKEE paper announces that slavery is dead. The negroes are prepared for the lamentable occurrence, but the whites will have to go into black. VOL. ViiI G [APRIL 29, 1865. FUN. WHY MUST I WRITE? MY table is littered with proof sheets- Proofs cover the floor of my den; And the devil, who waits on the landing, Is asking for copy again. Though others have long sought their pillows, And clocks chime the small hours of the night, Yet my brain new ideas must be coining, And my pen must incessantly write. Oh sari is my lot, for at Christmas, When pantomime's reign hath begun, My overtaxed brain I am racking For epigram, bon nmot, or pun. And so on, till spring-time hath melted The dwellings of dazzling delight, The author, but whilom rejoicing In Bohemia's wild freedom, must write. When the fierce suns of summer doth warm men, 'Tis the season of leisure and ease; And clergyman, doctor, and lawyer, Exult in the sea-flavoured breeze. 'When returneth the autumn, long looked for By those who in sport take delight, Though others are holiday keeping, The unfortunate author must write. I looked at the proofs uncorrected, And the foolscap's (as yet) virgin sheet, And thought, though my path might be thorny, It was too late to beat a retreat. So, deeming repining was useless (I knew wouldd not mend my sad plight), In my arm-chair I sat and propounded Tlhis question, "1 Oh why must I write ?" Though my reasoning powers were assisted By tobacco and BAss's pale ale, Yet often at fault was my logic, And my chain of inductions would fail. In vain I'd attempt the solution, For no valid cause could I see Why the leaders the B/azecr demanded Should always be written by me. Quoth a poet, When sorrows oppress you, When vexed by affliction and strife, When, intruth, you're in doubt, grief, or trouble, And don't know what to do-ask your wife." I took his advice and soon sought her, And proved that the poet was right, For she knowingly smiled when I asked her The question, Oh! why must I write ? " The young housekeeper went to a cupboard, And exclaimed in true matronly style, "Since you ask me for reasons, I beg you Will kindly look over that file. There arce bills from the tailor and draper, Many more than you think, I'm afraid, And though I am sony to own it, There isn't a single one paid. "The butcher has sent for his money, And will not be longer put off; I told him wouldd be settled shortly, But the monster did nothing but scoff. Our grocer's account is tremendous, Though his Pekoc in China ne'er grew, And '1...., i_ lie puts sand in our sugar, Hit I.. LI .: some months over-due. "The baker no longer brings muffins Or crumpets for your nightly tea, And the vulgar old shoemaker tells me, IHe don't work for nothink-not he.' You'll be forced to allow money matters With us, dear, are in a sad plight; So, you sec, that's a capital reason Why you, though unwilling, should write." I was forced to admit that the logic Of my wife was convincingly clear; So, I wished her good night, and soon mended The pen which reposed 'hind my car. 'Would that authors could live on ambrosia, Poets' wives clothed in garments of light, Then no bill from the butcher or draper Would force me, unwilling, to write. CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED yUP BY OuR OWN MOUcOHARD. SMITH.-I say, fortune seems to have deserted the Confederates. They've lost Richmond at last. BRowN.-Yes; I'm afraid their star has set. Independence is a very long way off, if we may judge from recent events. SMITH.-Quite out of sight, in faet. BuowN.-Did you see how cautious MR. SEWAxn was in his speech at Washington on the arrival of the news ? He didn't indulge in any particularly bellicose threats against England. SMITH.-No; he is not going to take Canada from us just yet. Probably he thought that America has had enough of war for one while, and that peace, when it does come-which, by the bye, I don't see just yet-will be a novelty worth preserving. BBowN.-Yes. I'm afraid the MONROE doctrine will not be very absolutely carried out, even against the obnoxious MAXIMILIAN. SMITH.-No; especially as our ally over the water might turn out rather an awkward customer in that case. BnowN.-Just so. SMITH.-The Easter review was a great success this year. BBowN.-Yes;. our volunteer force seems determined to disappoint those prophets who said that it was only the plaything of the hour. They mustered at Brighton stronger than ever. SMITH.-And a good thing too; but should occasion for their ser- vices arrive, it strikes me that not only would the volunteers be mustered, but the enemy might also be peppered. BaowN.-A villanous joke, and old withal. SMITH.-Did you see that the Censor has been abolished, and free- dom of the press introduced into Russia P BnowN.-Yes, on the French system-three warnings and sup- pression. SMITH.-Fancy such a system here in England. Wouldn't it astonish the fourth estate ! BaowN.-Rather. I wonder what would become of us. SMITH.-Well, we should be like the dogs in summer-muzzled. BiowN.-Still, after all, such censorship is more free- SMITH.-Pooh! nonsense Why, we can say or write what we like, we can. eBnowN.-Don't be so sharp. I meant more free than welcome. SMITH.-I should say so. The London Sewage. I'vE heard of going to extremes, And of ex-streams of sewage, From Banbury to the Twyford mills, But Banbury couldn't pass the bills, To take away its sewage. Now folks in London wish to rid 2Tiemselves of London sewage; So down to Essex it's to go, Carried there by HOPE AND Co., This most unhealthy sewage. London talks of "upper towns" Polluting it with sewage ; But from its cast extremity, Away into the German Sea, There's heaps of London sewage. London "ten years will have to wait. Before rid of its sewage ; Not more than forty miles or so," To Essex sands it has to go, This dreadful plague of sewage. Then let us all our glasses fill With wine that has not now age, And drink to NAPIER, HOPE, AND Co., And truly hope it may be so, And London rid of sewage. THE OXFOnD AND CAMBRIDGE RACE.-The Anglo-Saxons. APRIL 29, 1865.] FUN. g abhes ]arllit mt. (REPORTED BY OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.) ON Easter Monday their ladyships assembled, but to encounter a preliminary difficulty. MRS. WESTBURY appeared. She alone might have been accommodated on the renovated woolsack, but she persisted in carrying a numerous progeny on her back, and two distant relations under each arm. MRs. DERBY rose and objected to this wholesale ap- propriation of the highest place in that assemblage. MTas. ARGYLE rose to order, and flung her bonnet at the noble lady opposite. MRS. GREY rose and said that such proceedings were really very im- proper. She suggested that they should draw lots for the woolsack. Hereupon the whole family of BETHELL vented huge cries which drowned the speaker. MRS. WESTBURY expressed her intention of telegraphing for her lord. Stillness pervaded the assemblage. She intended to stick to the woolsack in spite of everybody. (Hear, hear from Slingsby.") All the Mistresses Bishops at this moment made a stop in the right direction. MRS. OXFORD was observed to poke the unhappy Slingsby in the eye with a vagrant crinoline steel. Chaos! Revolution! Democracy! BETHELL! Amid these cries an adjournment was voted. In the House of Commons, Ras. DISRAELI began to speak before MRS. SPEAKER had taken the chair, and before the chaplain had read prayers. Being on the side of the angels she thought that she might take precedence even of a chaplain. A personal explanation hereupon took place, which resulted in the subsidence of MRS. DizzY. MRS. BERNAL OSBORNE inquired if there was any international law which prevented literary ladies from writing books with the view of abusing their husbands. MRS. ATTORNEY-GENERAL wished to know whether MRS. B. 0. intended a joke. The question then dropped. MRS. COWPER was understood to say that the dressmaking scheme initiated by the bishops having proved a failure, it was the intention of HER MAJESTY'S present Government to establish an asylum for all ladies who wanted more than fifteen dresses in the course of the month. (Hear, hear from MRS. BRIGHT.) MRS. GENERAL PEEL wanted to know what this had got to do with drawing-room statistics, concerning which MRS. KELLY had a motion on the paper. MRS. KELLY rose in response to numerous calls, and whilst expressing regret that she should have caused her honourable friend MRS. COWPER to cut it short, stated that her object was to move for a return of the number of lackadaisical females who encumber modern drawing-rooms. She believed that the existing system of setting traps for males would not answer in the long run. Her idea was to go to the other extreme. When she obtained the return for which she asked, she should suggest that the House do use its influence to promote extreme indifference in the fair sex towards t'other sex. An hon. member below the gangway, who was understood by our Commissioner to be a spinster of advanced years and disappointed expectations, burst her stays in a fit of violent admiration for the scheme propounded. The damaged garments having been repaired by means of an iron plate from a model man-of-war teapot, the debate proceeded. MRS. GEORGE GREY saw much in the proposition to be admired. MRS. ROBERT PEEL said that if the population of the country became retrograde in consequence, she had no doubt that she could get over Irish labourers and their wives to supply the deficiency, and thereby prevent immigration from the sister isle. HIRS. COLMAN O'LoGHLEN moved the previous question, whatever that might be. She also moved the adjournment of the House, in order to make a proposition to the effect that women in future be allowed to preach in the Scotch kirks ; that they should all be com- pelled to live at a distance from their cures, and not allowed to travel until Sunday morning. The ghost of DR. GIBSON was seen to sit upon the brow of the speaker, and make grimaces at MRs. PEEL, who blinked viciously, but said nothing. This incident diverted the debate. MRS. ROBERT CECIL wished to know whether any lady present believed in ghosts, and whether they could be put down by Act of Parliament. MuRS. PALMERSTON reminded the House that the hour was one at which such a discussion might take a most unpleasant turn. It was just twelve o'clock, and although she was proof against superstition, she still had a sort of respect for shadows "Doomed for a certain term to walk the night, And for the (lay confined to fast in fires." Has. GEORGE GREY: Oh! don't! Several Hon. Members : Mais. PALMERSTON, pleois don't ! MRS. PALMERSTON: Well, I won't. But, seriously, I don't think ghosts care for Acts of Parliament. They won't read them. They prefer fiddles, cymbals, and phosphorus. MRas. ROBERT MONTAGU considered that it would be a good planm to make the BROTHERS DAVENPORT ghost-exterminators in ordinary, as MR. HARPER TWELVETREES was vermin-killer. (Hear.) This disrespectful suggestion horrified most of the members, who crept silently home to bed, and the House was counted out just before daylight. An Eastern Love-Song. [THE author feels it right to observe that he has never been further East than Whitechapel, and doesn't know anything about it.] THE bulbul may wave on the lofty plain, While warbles the soft caique; And the tale the narghili desires to explain His accents can never speak. Then sit on this minaret's flowery slope, While I play on my zemindar; And I'll tell the whole of CurAxssE's hope, And whisper how dear you are. For the kuzzilbash floats in the light of noon, But the gull in the night-time sings; And I'll mention the rest by the light of the moon, With a good many other things. Sermons in Stones. THE KING OF PRUSSIA, so we are informed by the German papers, is about to lay the first stone of a splendid monument, to be erected at Berlin, in honour and memory of the great battles of Alson and Duppel." We may add, from private sources, that His Majesty, on arranging the stone commemorating the victories in its place, will complete the ceremony by addressing to the stone, so inscribed, the words, Lie there! Very appropriate indeed! WHAT A SELL! WE have received some touching verses from our liberal and talented contemporary the Record. They celebrate an occurrence which can be best described by the paragraph whence arose our friend's poetic ardour:- The Royal Alfred has been converted." Unfortunately, our non-nautical contemporary has not discovered that it is only a ship-quite a hardship, too, for him. Cambria's Prophecy. BURST into song-rejoice, ye hoary hills ! In merry cadence laugh, ye rippling rills ! Joyous be old Carnarvon's Castle halls, Penillion melody within its walls. Sweet harp of Cambria, thine enchanting strain Shall be approved by Royalty again; Again thy Minstrel Bard shall touch the string- Again, again thy Druid groves shall ring. Prophetic muse, thy task indeed is sweet, Welshmen, march on, your honoured Prince to meet; Preface a welcome for our loved Princess, And pray that Heaven our future Prince may bless. Very Poyer. Ix a book called "St. Thomas a Becket, and other 1'oers," we find this couplet :- Rhymes the rudders are of verses, Whereby, like ships, they steer their courses." It is a pity the rhymer, who couples verso" and course," did not give a better rudder to his ship ! BIIOOTE.k IS WII T I3IIOOTEA DOES THE telegraph communicates the welcome news that our troops have moved upon Dewangiri, and captured it. Having disposed of the Bhootea, of course our brave follows won't want for loot. EPITAPH FOR A WHIST PLAYER.-" No Cards." [APRIL 20, 1865. SIMPLE NATURE'S HAPPY CHILD. Amy (t7ho has just seen twelve summers):-" MAMMA, MAY I GET MARRIED?" Mamman :-" MAn1IrD WIY', DEAR? " Amy :-" WInY, MAMMA, BECAUSE THE CHILDREN HATE NEVER SEEN A WEDDING, AND I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE 80 PLEASED! " THE BEN GUALTIEF BALLADS. NzE SERIES. No. I.-BRIGHT AND BRETT; OR, RAVINGS AT ROCHDALE. Joni BRIGHT spoke like an oracle in Rochdale's famed town-hall (Not like the Delphic oracle-oh, dear, no !-not at all) ; And there spoke T. B. POTTrr, too, and likewise MISTErz BRETT- The latter, one of DERBY's lot; the former, COBDsENI'S set. Como, cynic, ho! remove the veil-ho! conjurer, explain How puerile are the pointless terms that politics retain; Prove Whigs and Tories, reds and blues are now but little loth To own that t'other's so like which, you can't tell each from both ! Now, by Reform, our tocsin's note, what Babel sounds are these ? What contradictions are unfurled to shiver in the breeze ! The Derby-ito thinks free trade right, yet clings to those whose creed Is, that protective tariff is Great Britain's greatest need. And BRIGHT thinks right to underrate, malign as poor men's foe, The noble man whose gon'rous deeds grateful Lancastrians know. To call him poor man's foe, indeed! to whom PROTECTION means " Care taking" of each follow-man, each subject of his Queen's ! Next, with a wild monsoon of words-tornado of the tongue-- Of international intrigue the hall of Rochdale rung; And Dunur's earl is then accused of seeking to destroy Our concord with our neighbour, France, like spoiled child with a toy. What rot is this! what utter bosh mu That BRIGHT has more than ample cause Is it, indeed, a fact, a truth, that CoBnD The head, the soul of their compact-] st we in truth believe d'er ConniN's loss to griev ? mN was the heart, 3RIGHT but the fleshy part. The mere material mortal thing, that might have wart or corn, With divers other human ills we're heir to ere we're born ? If this be so, then farewell, BRIGHT, hide thy diminished head, And in political alphabet sink humbly down to Z. FINE ARTS. AMONG the pictures for which the public should look at the forth- coming Royal Academy, we may draw attention to the following chefs d'ceivro :- A week's salary, drawn by that distinguished artist Mr. Ranter, first tragedian at the Theatre Royal, New Cut. A large audience of three, drawn by the new and screaming farce, "Where is my aunt ?" A noble molar, drawn by the united efforts of the students of Guy's Hospital. A handbarrow, drawn by A. Moke. Money in the Post Office Savings' Bank, drawn by a donkey who didn't know when his money was safe. COLD AS CHARITY. Tax MAuI urs oF TOWXSHEND, who gives little girls into custody for begging a penny, is acting quite scripturally. When they ask for bread he gives them a stone-jug. The result is, that it makes you very sad, you see, to be obliged to consider him a Pharisee. AGRICULTURAL INTELLIGENCE. WE have recently been informed that a retired Midland Counties farmer is so much imbued with the force of habit, that he is frequently observed grazing his knuckles. F1 UN. APRIL 29, 1865.] FUN. THE OVERLAND ROUTE'. BY OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER. No. XI. MY DEAR FUN,-The joy of an amateur ceronaut at once finding himself on terra firma, the feeling of relief with which a Polytechnic visitor steps out of the diving-bell, the sense of safety which is ex- perienced when descending from an excursion train on the Eastern Counties-I beg pardon, the Great Eastern-railway-all these com- bined, but vaguely and indefinitely express the absolute rapture with which your Special Commissioner jumped on shore from the Cingalese canoe in the harbour of Point de Galle. Whether attracted by his personal appearance and his mild and beneficent expression, or simply by the circumstance that he was a European, and therefore probably possessed of some of the universal language-money-your S. C. is unable to state with precision; but certain it is that no sooner had he set foot on the shore than a crowd of enterprising touters rushed on him, each recommending some hotelel" and disparaging rival establishments in a way that would have done honour to Boulogne. These touters are invariably half- castes, and are possessed of an amount of personal dignity that is positively appalling. At first the natural modesty of your S. C. urged that illustrious personage to cave in before such tremendous swells, but observing the particularly free and easy way in which they were ad- dressed by his fellow travellers, he recovered his presence of mind, and asserted himself in a befitting manner. The grandeur with which the touters order the coolies to take the luggage to the hotele" they represent, should the traveller listen to their blandishments, reminded your S. C., who has read his PINNOCK, of CROMWELL directing the removal of the mace from the House of Commons. As regards the coolies, who seem to be a race of men especially fitted to receive that peculiarly unremunerative payment, monkey's allowance, the first thing that strikes the beholder is their absolute want of clothes. The Farnese HERCULES could hardly be said to owe less to the adventitious aid of dress. Your Special Commissioner, himself one of the most bashful of men, blushed deeply at the sight of nature so particularly unadorned. In Cairo the fellahs were not overburdened with articles of dress, but as is a duchess cloaked and furred for a winter journey to a modern coryphge, so were the Egyptians to the Cingalese coolies. But as nobody seemed to mind it or feel shocked, your S. C. supposed it was all right, and bottled up his shocked modesty until required for further use. After their costume, or rather their want of it, for a moderate-sized pocket-handkerchief seemed to be full dress, the most noticeable thing about the coolies was their hair, which was long, and twisted up into a knot at the backs of their heads, in a style much resembling that affected by European young ladies of classical taste.. Of course your Special Commissioner didn't go to a hotell "-his home for the present was on the bounding deep, and he was but a temporary visitor to terra firma-but he strolled about the town of Point de Galle, and made observations on the manners and customs of the natives. At least he would have done so, only happening to meet with an old acquaintance, who for his sins was doing penance as an officer in the Ceylon Rifles, and was stationed at Galle, he went with him to the barracks, and there imbibed much bitter beer and smoked many cheroots. This course had its advantages, as your Special Com- missioner was thus enabled to acquire much valuable information as to the country, which the short period of his stay would otherwise have precluded him from obtaining. Thus he learnt that the rank and file of the Ceylon Rifles were either Malays or Kaffirs, and that his in- formant regarded them one and all as "awful beasts." When pressed for a reason for this sweeping denunciation, the military man said they chewed betel. At first, from the similarity of the sound, your S. C. concluded that black beetles were intended, which are his special aver- sion ever since he bit one in half in the days of his childhood, mistaking it in the dusk of a winter's evening for a piece of toffee. So he quite coincided with his Rifle friend in his estimate of the men. But it afterwards turned out that the betel in question was a compound of the areka palm, and possessed the peculiarity of inducing an amount of expectoration of which an American might have been proud. Then, too, there was no water fit for drinking to be had in the fort. Not that, from what your S. C. observed, he should be inclined to imagine that aqua pura was a liquor much in request, and that they had to send out into the vicinity to obtain it, which you see's an awful bore," said his military friend. Added to which, and worst of all, the place was awfully slow." In fact, that seemed to be the crowning grievance of all. Still, from what your Special Commissioner has observed during the short but eventful course of his life, the British officer of the line, let him be stationed where he will, always does find the place "awfully slow." So he was not so much impressed with the circumstance as he otherwise might have been, and regarded it as the normal condition of the B.O. But the time was now fast approaching for your S. C. once more to start upon his journey. Even the charms of his friend's conversa- tion would hardly have beeoon an equivalent for the loss of his berth on board the steamer. So having drank a parting bottle of bitter beer, and filled his pockets with some excessively good hot manillas, lie rushed off to the landing-place, and once more intrusted his valuable person to the Cingalese boatmen, who brought him safe and sound on board his ocean home. TABLEAUX VIVANT. Oun author is discovered sitting at his desk in the throes of com- position. He is seen to pass through certain pantomimic phases, expres- sive of poetic frenzy; then, jumping to his feet, he grasps his pen convulsively, and thus addresses it:- "Impotent quill! Parnassus-hill (Hotly) And thou art things apart; Inactive lie, I cast thee by, Not thine poetic art. "In vain I toil, with midnight oil, To woo the muses nine; And, in slumbers, rave in numbers: The fault, I say, is thine. (Dashes the pen on the table, and paces the.leoor with rapid strides.) "Yet, ah! unrest distracts my breast, I cannot throw aside My trusty pen, that cheers me when The ills of life betide. (Stops and weeps.) "Could I so turn, and from me spurn The charm which thou dost lend; And, like a churl, my anger hurl At thee, my chiefest friend ? (Picks up the pen.) "No; we've fought long with prose and song-- That lot none gainsay; With endless pains and slender gains We've held our thankless way. (Sinks into a hairr) "I'll not chide thee, though to guide thee i' In flowery paths I fail, And have not yet contrived to get Within the sacred pale. (Sig/is heavily) For editors, like creditors, Have hearts unused to yield; And other bards, aye, trump my cards, And oust me from the field. "Let them pass us to Parnassus; (Bitterly) Oh! how I hate the name That marks the place where ends the race Of PEGASUS to fame. "By friends advised, I advertised, Spasmodically, so- New creation! great sensation / ! Alas! it was 'no go.' (Mournfully.) "No buyers came ; that little game' Did fiscal troubles bring; Yet, still, once more o'er this I'll pore, And seek the Pierian spring." [Here our author desperately seizes a fresh sheet of paper; having superscribed it (An Ode to FUN), he is observed to wait for inspiration, and is still waiting in an attitude suggestive of coming frenzy, as before exhibited, when the curtain drops on the scene.] EXTRAORDINARY NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. WE have heard of ships being dressed" with flags, of their wearing stays, and of their being coated (with paint); but we wero by no means prepared for the startling intelligence which lately reached us from Lisbon, of two Federal cruisers having been caught in the act of "trying on" a new (Yankee) shift. Anatomical Discovery. FoR a long time it has baffled the medical authorities to account for the force with which the waves beat against the shore, and it has recently come to light that it arises from the fact of there being "muscles" in the sea. I r. on in - S68 L TOWN TALK. BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBS. I I"I AT poor misguided / -MAiRIS or TOWNSHEND has been making himself l -/--4 unenviably conspicuous by his sort of Gradgrind ,' benevolence. He gives i/' ~ the poor little children who beg a penny of him S& in charge to the nearest policeman, and then ap- I Pears at the police-court to play the Good Samari- tan to the poor creature S whom he himself has metaphorically knocked down and wounded. His conduct is naturally ex- citing surprise-it is cal- culated to do so anywhere out of Bedlam-and some severe comments have V been made on his doings. You see the poor young man has not the intel- Slectual wherewithal to distinguish himself in the House, and he appears to have a morbid craving for notice. He'd rather have notoriety than nothing, so he goes about break- ing the heads of the penniless poor with his righteous balm. A correspondent of one of the Dailies suggests that his lordship should become a member of the Mendicity Society, when he could give the beggars a ticket, instead of sending them to the lock-up with thieves and drunkards, under the charge of the proverbially humane police- man of the period. I venture to think that if the Society would undertake to keep his lordship's name standing in the advertising columns of the principal papers, and send it round with boardmen once a week, and paint it up on the most obvious dead walls in the city, he might be induced to subscribe. V v ictis The capital of the gallant South is in the hands of the Federal, and the heroic little army, which, under noble old LEE, has so long held numbers completely at bay, is shattered and dissipated. It is enough to make one disbelieve in the old doctrine of "Right against Might." The ordeal of battle is fallible, and the victory does seem to be for the strong. But in this terrible disaster for the South there lurks no redeeming scintillation of probable peace. It is only one phase of a conquest that has ended. The shock of armies, the conflict of fleets may not recur, but the long and stern struggle of a nation, heaving in fierce throes to fling off the superincumbent foe will endure-who can tell how long ? Not yet can such a people as the Southerners consent to yield to the rule of a nation whose two chief officers are a ribald jester and a drunken lawyer. But in the-mean- time, what dismay, what suffering, what despair, spread over the Confederacy as the wire flashes the fatal news far and wide! FIV victims ! NOT too sunny, nor too rainy, Easter Monday has been specially pro- pitious to our Volunteers this year. The crowd was immense, and the success unmistakable. What an improvement on the old Easter holidays! Surely, my lords and gentlemen, the people who can behave so excellently on such days, deserve some further considera- tion. Why not open the museums and picture galleries for them on Sunday ? They have proved that if you will only give them intel- lectual or physical employment on their holidays they will not disabuse them. I'm afraid we shall never see those good days until the education of young men for the Church is much better conducted. It is the parsons who keep the"museums and galleries closed; and why ? Because the competition is too strong. Who would not prefer IEAFAELE or the Nineveh Bulls to the droning platitudes of the Rev. Incompetent Ignorance? I SEE there is a subscription a foot for the purpose of returning JOHN STUART MILL free of expense. The notion is a good one. A fund -might be established for this end, and to combat the secret service of the Carlton. By such means Parliament might be enriched by many of the splendid intellects that are now kept out of it by res angustoe. The Liberal cause would be immensely benefited, and the good cause throughout the world advanced. I hope the hint will be taken, and that what was originated in JOHN STUART MILL'S case will be established as an institution. It would only be another thing for which to thank the great philosopher. All success to him, and may we soon see M.P. at the end of his name. THE French Gallery this year is disappointing. This is not because there are not the same artists represented as on former occasions, but because by some bad luck their pictures are not up to the usual high mark. There is, however, a noble painting by LETS-one of the series he is painting for the Belgians, illustrative of the early history of their country. The New Water Colour is open, and is a fair ex- hibition. The Academy, I think, will be a very good one this year. The catalogue of works sent in is most promising. The Dudley Gallery, I am glad to hear, has been a great success. And while I am speaking of Art, I may as well tell all who take an interest in labour and the labourer that MADox BRowN's painted poem of " Work will supply them with thoughts and considerations for some time to come. THERE was a very gross case of police brutality the other day re- ported in the papers. A constable set upon and beat a poor wretch who was waiting outside a workhouse door. The pauper and his pauper witnesses would probably not have been listened to, but fortunately some passors-by were attracted, and had the courage and humanity to attend and give their evidence. I hope in all similar cases bystanders will take the same trouble to see justice done, for the police tyranny is becoming insupportable. But I would warn them not to interfere by word or gesture, or they will run the risk of being locked up, for the guardians of the peace have a very summary way with them in such cases. LETTERS TO THE COUNTRY. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LONDON SEASON. No. VII.-MASCULINE. DEAn FnexK,-I'm a volunteer captain, you knew, Which is rather a bore, and yet sometimes the fun is Most fine, and the only drawback to one's go," Is the fact that it plays the deuce with one's moneys. Last week, when I wrote, I described my sweet fix, And told you that love had most thoroughly mastered me; 'Twas true, FRANK, I felt like a basket of bricks When a mason had mortared and whitewashed and plastered me. And now, dear FRANK, a sorry tale I tell: On Easter Monday, when the sun was high, I left the happy precincts where I dwell, To join my comrades and to do or die! And as I walked, my sword upon the flags Made melody most sweet within my ears, A proud eye casting on my belt and bags, When Fortune came and with the abhorred shears, In this wise, FRANK, they slit my thin-spun life. With eyes to heaven turned in sportive dreaming, And calling GRACE my treasure, my sweet wife, I caught sight of blue ribbons gaily streaming From lofty coach-box, tandem-driven too, And eyes shone brightly from that elevation. 'Twas GRACE, dear FRANK, and by her side a U- Niversity of Oxford swell-oh! degradation! In sluggard train, wherein we seemed to crawl, I sat as dumb as any mountain cabbage; I thought of ADAM and the first great fall, Of IAMILTON'S philosophy and BABBAGE. Arrived at Brighton and the sunny sea, I took command, but when I'd speak was dumber Than when in solitude I crushed my glee- A thousand crowns might I have hanged a drummer ! Gone is the joy which in an evil day I let GRACE call up in my hapless bosom: No more will I invoke the blue eye's ray Which fascinates male fools and then undoes 'em. Once more I saw her on the Sussex downs Eating game pie, and tippling bright moselle; I then thought, "I'll be more and far from towns- Swear that I never loved a dear gazelle." Tox DoLonosus SuM. Most Likely. A PROVINCIAL paper, in relating the doings of the monk-y house at Norwich, says, One of the Protestant Fathers fasted so long that he was carried out of the church and found to be insensible." We should say that that need not have caused any alarm, for he had not been sensible for some time-in fact, since he joined the monk-ies. LIFE's DnoP-scENE.-The gallows. THE DROP-SCENE OF THE DIssIPATED.-The public-house. APRIL 29, 1865.] IFU T N. 69 LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN. No. 20.-THE NAUTICAL M.P. IN order to perform this rile with real success our students in states- manship should have been at some time or other in the navy. If by a chance they could be admirals it would be advantageous, but as that is not always possible, a trip or two to the continent with a few sur- reptitious conversations with the man at the wheel will supply them with sufficient stock in trade to set up with. The construction of ships, naval appointments, ships versus forts, and every possible question into which an element of marine interest can be imported, will form the field in which our aspirant can display his talents. He will find it advantageous to take up the quarrels of all officers who may consider themselves slighted; and he must never allow an officer's name to be mentioned without at once jumping up- whether he knows anything of the matter or not-to protest against any imputation on the service which," &c. In speaking, our student will select his figures from the nautical profession. He will "sail on another tack" when he alters his line of argument. He will "clear for action" when he is preparing to dispute a question." He will "shake out a reef" occasionally, and come to an anchor at times. There will be seasons when he will put his helm down, when he will stand out to sea, or go dead in the eye of the wind, when he will fall off, luff, reef, splice,-and, in times of great anxiety and excitement, even shiver his timbers. But he must do that judiciously. The late T. P. CooiE has left no successor on the stage, or we should be able to send our student to a school where he would speedily learn to hitch up his nether garments, and, at a pinch, to perform a hornpipe. Although these accomplishments are not required for actual use, they give a nautical bearing which will overawe landsmen. With regard to the construction of ships, our friend will do well to select as his favourite model some plan which the Government is never likely to adopt.. By so doing he will be enabled to sneer at their efforts, and decry the performances of their officers. By doing this he will be sure to become popular, for as the appointment of Constructor to the Navy, or anything of that sort, only satisfies one person-the lucky man who gets it-and dissatisfies an enormous number of those who hoped and looked for the post themselves. The question of "guns v. forts is one in which our friend can take either side with equal advantage, for the relative proportion of guns and forts are always changing. When a very big gun is invented and smashes iron-plating, the iron-plating is at once thickened until it resists the shot. Thereupon the shot is made heavier and the gun improved. And so in unvarying succession come reverses and triumphs for the supporters of either side, so that it is really a matter of no real consequence which side our young student advocates. Another great advantage in being a nautical M.P. will be found in the fact that he will never lack agrievance while the Admiralty exists. There is very little, perhaps, really to choose between the Government offices, for all alike abound in faults and blots. But the Admiralty possesses the special merit of being ostentatiously wrong and ob- viously mismanaged. With such a fruitful theme of complaint, our nautical orator can be always shaking the arsenal and fulminating over Whitehall. IHe will do well to omit no opportunity of so doing, for, of course, his object in becoming a nautical M.P. is to look out for a snug berth, or a quiet dock to lie up in ordinary. A judicious adherence to the rules we have laid down will enable our friend to make himself sufficiently conspicuous and enough feared to make Governments careful of offending and desirous of propitiating him. The end will eventually be that his noble efforts on behalf of his country-or that portion of his country which is dearest to him, him- self-will not go unrewarded. He may possibly be placed in some position in which he will be enabled to carry out the reforms that he has always preached. But then he must consent to take the bitters with the sweets, and can hardly be surprised if he is called upon to fail in those trying circumstances for failing in which he has so long and faithfully abused his present benefactors. A New Edition. THE EMPEROito OF THE FRwENCH is about to produce Julius Cesar in a new form. A new iron-clad is about to be published-we should say launched, and will be named after the great Roman. This may be regarded as a new edition with plates." AFFECTING SUICIDE. A mixon canon of St. Paul's having recently been guilty of an omission for which he should have boon heavily fined, was so much pained by the occurrence, that he immediately let himself off. 110 leaves a large wife and three small families to lament his loss, which at the lowest estimate was half a guinea. NOTES AND QUERIES. AN ANXIOUS MOTHER is desirous of finding some trustworthy person who will undertake the education of her infant, aged one year and two months. She had better address her application (post paid) to "Clown, Pantomime Department," at any of the theatres, when she may rely on the little dear being attended to. A MAN OF THE TIMES.-The editor of the now magazine is no rela- tion to the well-known Latin poet, "Lucas ^ non lucendo," who was a commissioner in lunacy under the twelve CaESARS. DAUB-IGNY complains that a friend, who has been speaking about- his (D.'s) picture for the Royal Academy, will talk about the Chair o' skewer oh!" D. is anxious to set the public right: the article alluded to is a three-legged wooden stool. A BAlD sends us a few lines lie has "just dashed off." We reject his dashed oflbr with scorn. MARIA lMATILDA wishes to know where she can find Lines to a Salmon." She should apply at any respectable fishing-tackle shop. BASHFUL will feel obliged if we will tell him whether, in making a lady an offer, he ought to ask her to do him the honour. Compara- tively speaking, it is of no consequence. LONDON IluIsi wishes to know whether, if he shoots his ramrod into a member of another corps by accident, he cannot recover it in any court of law. He had better go and try. A HOUSE1OLDEr writes to inquire whether lie or the landlord is expected to pay for repairs consequent on the devastation of gnawing and annoying jats. His best course will be to pay for the repairs and charge them against the landlord-pro rata, of course. A WOULD-BE CRICKeETEn.-The wicket-keeper is expected to provide bales for the batsman-two sureties at five hundred and himself in ten. A surgeon-dentist should always be specially retained in order to draw the stumps. A bowler should be carefully selected without any hair on his head, as there is less chance of his being no bald." AQUATICS.-VWe should think a herring would be the best thing to take at breakfast during training, because herrings are famous for hard roes. A CUD TO BE CHEWED. THE War Office is going to be remodelled. The spleen of Mr. Twopenny Fofum, M.P., is about to be gratified. Those dear de- scendants of our nobility who can't get into the professions, and who prefer doing nothing to doing the other thing, are coming under the disagreeable weight of official fingers. Poor boys! this is a very melancholy bit of business. They are to lie reduced in number, and they arc never to expect an increase of salary beyond 300 a year. A Gazectc, which takes its name from the vicinage of the War Of1ico, officiates as Jon's comforter on this occasion, and pours oil and whine into the wounds. Hear ye him :- The clerks in the War Office andi other public departments must remember that if their pay is not very 1. 1. much l Till ore peinililt aunid saft. thinl that of men in private establishments, i... .. tlle duties are comparatively light." How gentle this reminder! Comparatively light! But does the lightness of duty make up for a light purse, and wouldn't the young gentlemen prefer to be a little more shaky if they could get thereby something above a puddler's wages ? We fancy they would, and they had better follow the puddler's example-strike We wonder what would happen. Perhaps there would be a smaller consumption of scribbling paper and quill pens; there would not be so many newspapers as perquisites for porters. But beyond this, can we say that the nation would suffer largely ? At any rate, the experiment might he tried. Wherefore, oh, sprigs of nobility iand chips of place-hunting old blocks, strike! But see" that you don't get from one 'iazctt into another of a different himd, "Look on this Picture and on that I" A PLEASING feature in the reports of legal decisions is the delightful contrast of opinion with which certain magistrates appear to view the enormity of certain crimes, and the public the magnitude of others. It is no uncommon thing to find in the same paper a boy sentenced to a month's imprisonment, with hard labour, for tearing up his worn- out rags, or a woman committed for trial for pawning a shirt of her employer's, to enable her to procureher children broad, with such c ses as the following, which appear in the report of the sitting of the licensing magistrates of Clorkenwcll :-" G. P., coal and coke dalcr, having scales 1- lbs. against the purchaser (fined), 5s.; "II. II. and C. C., chandlers, for putting about 1- ounces of putty under the plate, which she admitted putting there to increase her profits, 10s." These, with seventeen other worthies, whose fines averaged about 9s. apiece, appear in the list of convictions at last week's in... ,. of the licensing magistrates. Is it possible that there is any one sanguine enough to suppose that those wholesale despoilers of the poor will be deterred from their profitable arrangements by such trumpery penalties ? 70 FUN. [Arm 29, 1865. WANTED, A NURSERY MAID. Applicant :-" 01a, WHY DID I LEAVE MT LAST PLACE ? WELL, MnEM, THE FACT WERE MISSIS WUS OF A WICKED TEMPER, AND TOOK TO SCOLDING. IT OCCURRED MORE NOR ONCE; WER'UPON THE LAST TIME I knocked her down, AND THE FOLLOWING MORNING I GIVB HER NOTICE, THINKING' AS UNDER THE SIRKIMSTANCES WE 'AD BEST PART." "Those Evening Bells." A LETTER FROM OUR BELL-ICOSE CONTRIBUTOR. TO THE EDITOR OF FUN. DEAR Smi,-As you are doubtless aware, one of the kings of the Hanoverian dynasty entertained a decided dislike to "boetry and painting; and while I am quite ready to admit that he was not the most enlightened monarch who ever occupied the British throne, and ruled those dominions on which the sun never sets, yet I am disposed to reckon his hatred of boetry," to say nothing of painting," as being amongst the least of his failings. Although at one time I was a lover of poetry, yet that love has sub- sided, for I am convinced of the utter untruthfulness of poetry in general. To give an example: There is a song often rendered by young ladies at evening parties, the first two lines of which run thus : Those evening bells, those evening bells, How many a tale their muiic tells !" And I have no doubt the winsome belles who sing for our delectation really believe inthe "music of the bells; but I beg leave to say, Mr. Editor, that were those charming young songstresses condemned to dwell in the decidedly salubrious and belle-adorned but bell-haunted tcwn where at present my lot is cast, they would feel as I do on the subject, and certainly endeavour to "bear away the bell." 1,nprimis. At half-past six inthe morning the bells begin to chime, and at intervals of half an hour they perform MA. SALA'S celebrated journey, Twice Round the Clock. On high days and holidays they never cease their clangour from "morn till dewy eve," and though I have in my experience seen and heard a vast number of bells, from the belle of a ball-room to the great bell of Moscow, yet most decidedly my present location does figuratively what I wish some one would do literally-"bear away the bell." In fact, the noise is enough to make even a Quaker bell-igerent. Hoping some embryo MR. BASS will inaugurate a crusadeoagainst bells, as he of pale-ale notoriety has done against street music, I remain, your hum-bell servant and bell-icose correspondent, ARCHI-BELL CAMP-BELL. The Fashions. IN St. Giles's, boots are much worn-generally about the sole. Some of the more distinguished inhabitants still continue to dispense with this article of dress. Artificial flowers are quite gone out of use. Real flowers and vege- tables, worn in a basket, are usual ornaments for the female head. Crinoline is entirely dispensed with in this highly fashionable quarter. A few hoops may still be seen, but these are chiefly ob- servable among the juvenile portion. The ladies who have stalls at Covent Garden have already com- menced to give bawls. "Fine spring onions!" is the most popular bawl just now. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND." THE truth of this adage was fully exemplified at Durham Castle, by having to repair the rope for hanging a man a second time. A QUESTION FOR ARCTIC EXPLORERS. WHY is the North Star the most civil of all luminaries ?-Because it is, par excellence, the "Pole-light." (K)NIGHT-MARE.-Fancying yourself a baronet. EPITAPH ON A CHOSSING-SWEEPER.-Being swept away,_he returned to dust. THE HALF-YEARLY VOLUMES OF FUN's MIOTTO.-We are seven. A BEAT (BEET) ROOT.-A cane. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WILYTE, at the Office, SO, Fleet-street, E.C,-Aprit 29, 1865, MAY 6, 1865.] FU N. THE CHANTICLEER CHAIRMAN; on, THE BLUES, THE BEAKS, AND A BERKELEY; OR, The Nobility (?) of the Nineteenth Century. OLD BERKELEY sat in the President's Nobles, and colonels, and "e chummies " were there- i Men with low-brows, and with unctuous hair- In fact, an assembly selected with care, Including each type of guard (sable) was there. - S And, amid this congenial mob, to "see fair" The BERKELEY he sat on the President's chair! While, strewed all around, On the salivate ground, Files and saws there were scattered, Spurs and feathers bespatter'd With blood of game birds, by these noble brutes trained, To prove how much "savage" their instincts retained; While showing that civilization but changes Man's method of torture, confining its ranges, And limits the scalp-seeking, Indian features To murdering some other kind of live creatures. Philological tracings, Ethnological race-ings, Fail as tersely to prove, as this loss of repute In its chief victims proves-that none can now refute The dictum that man's but a tailorized brute!" That neathh the white vest, And the trouser comprest O'er the hips and descending Till gracefully ending Upon a well-polished, well-fitting encasement, By HoBY produced-to the "tarnal" displacement Of the humble mocassin-is hidden the shape Of a slightly superior species of ape ! How much farther back It is needful to track, And to show whence, at first, this bloodthirsty bent so Destructive arose, we can leave to COLENZO, Who will doubtless produce as his latest sensation, Very shortly, a history, ANTE-CREATION," Compiled with that care and that caution few lose Who claim the acquaintance of well-informed Zedus. * * To return to our birds-not the rooks-but the cocks- The pastime all decent humanity shocks, That has for its bases The lowest of phases Of animal pleasure; and, while it disgraces Its votaries, slowly but surely displaces All fine moral feelings, and might p'raps be raising A doubt whether NEBUCHADNEZZAR, when grazing, Did not happen to be For a brief space, "per se," While thus dining alfresco (pray pardon the rhyme), By far the most natural swell" of his time ! The BERKELEY sat on the President's chair, But spasmodically left it, to bring in a pair Of fresh birds to compete, And the joy to complete Of the various roughs, who contrived to get rid Of thewell-earned-orwell-obtained-needful "half quid," Which gave them the entries, all social rank waiving, Or made it-as ARTEMUS WARD has it-" cave in." * * The BERKELEY sat in the President's chair; At the door came a tapping-'twas somebody there; Whether Cupid, cupidity, or merely LOVE Of his species, brought somebody there, none can prove; But this much is certain, the clique were done brown When they let in that somebody for IALF-A-cIReOWN ; For close on his heels came the blues-made a haul; Causing much waste of "fivers," and much waste of gall. For though rucNCES (and DUKES, if their blood's the right sort,) May do what they "darn please" and never get caught, Yet commoner clay Must certainly pay A "fiver" apiece, if it happens that they Have not made their arrangements to get clean away, When the Bobbies get wind of their innocent play ! MORIAL. Do WHAT YOU LIKE, but take care while you do it That there is not "a Peeler or two near to view it If you're "in for a lark" never go out alone- Choose companions, if possible, near to the throne; And then, if the episode chance to be blown, 'Tis only a folly to which youth is prone ! While, if you select from the public at large, A folly-" big licks to a criminal charge. So, be cautious in larking, and when you have done, If you still have a bronze" left-inrest it in FUN ! A Drawing-Room Ballad. OH! do not ask how much I love- Oh, question not my soul! Beloved, I, like the turtle dove, My feelings scarce control. As sways the ocean's mystic tide Beneath the moonlight's touch- That secret I may ne'er confide, I love thee far too much. Oh! do not ask how much I love. Oh! do not ask how I adore Each word, each look, each sigh; My being is to gaze-no more; iMy life is all my eye. And thou art fairer than the dawn That flouts the morning ray; That form as graceful as the fawn, I love but dare not say. Oh! do not ask how much I love. Oh! do not ask how much I prize- Oh, press me not to speak ! How fondly I adore those eyes, That mouth, that nose, that check! Oh, spare my blush, nor bid to-day My lips to thus reply; Yet-yet, if you will make me say, I love you, dear, like pie! Oh! that-that is how much I love. SEVERE CRITICISM. MONSIEUR SAINT BEUVE was offered a Brevet of Senator "-about a thousand a year out of the Treasury-to write a nice criticism on the Life of Caesar. He refused point-blank, considering himself to be a-BEUVE such work. This is a harder criticism, almost, than that of LABIENus. The poor Emperor is really to be pitied; after such severe handling he must feel cut up." A Rough Guess THE Court Journal, in speaking of the coming election and the probable contest in Marylebone, says, The Liberal and Conservative gentlemen of that locality have put their vote in the dust-hole whenever an election has occurred, knowing the roughs would out- vote them." This is a pretty remark! Really one of the under-footmen must have taken the place of the butler as editor this week. To speak of a large constituency like Marylebone, and one which has returned some of the most distinguished members of the House, is an indiscretion which our old friend BINNs would never have been guilty of. It must not occur again. FUNERAL FURNISHERS.-Doctors. VOL. ViII. H 71 YOL. YI]t. H FUN. [MAY 6, 1865. COMUS. A MASK FOR THE MODERNS. ScENE.-.A dangerous path in the Forest of Temptation. Comus out and about. Attendant Bacchanals discovered. Solo and Chorus. Ain-"Brushing by Machinery." RING out, ye crystal spheres, And bless our raptured ears ; Tell us budgets will not halt Taking duty off the malt; Tell us no election will Carry a permissive bill. Couus.-Break off your spells. He comes to this our domus. 1ST BAc.-But should he brush us and not come to Comus. Coues.-Pshaw! one small glass destroys him as he passes. 2.xn BAC.-Then he's a spectacle with two such glasses. He's close at hand. Com s.- Then our hands we'll keep close. This youth shall find our mixture proves a dose ; And lest he takes us for a pair of noddies, In garments quaint we'll robe our precious bodies. (Comus and Bacchanals conceal themselves, and get disguised in appropriate liquor.) Enter THE YOUTHFUL GENTLEMAN. YOUNG GENT.-I wonder which direction I should follow. I'd shout, but here's already a view hollow. When none can hear, it must be vain to bellow. .Enter CoMvs and 1ST BACCHANAL as two medical students. Comus.-Hail, friend! Well met. YOUNG GENT.-Well met, and so hail, fellow. Medical students ? CoMrs.- Yes; does that surprise ? Bartholomews. YOUNG GENT.- I took you both for Guys. CoMUrs.-To meet with us, though, you're a lucky dog. What say you to a social glass of grog ? YOUNG GENT.-This offer! CoMUS.- Honour! YOUNG GENT.- I confess I doubt- CoMs.s-Of course, all young men do. It's cold without, Have some "warm with"- Here, waiter, bring some rum in. (Foice of attendant spirit heard at the elbow of Young Gentleman.) VOICE.-Three goes, sir ? Yessir. Warm, sir ? Yessir. Comin'. (Three glasses of hot rum and water appear before them.) YOUNG GENT.-Looks tempting, but to drink would now be folly. ComUs.-What, won't you ? Well, you are green, though not jolly. 'Tis now the witching hour of night, you see, When life begins with those who like a spree; When gas-lights beam, and London youths more wise, Enjoy the lark with which your yokels rise; When pittites round each theatre's entrance cluster, And half-price visitors their shillings muster; When down the Strand smart girls who throng Pall Mall, Fresh from the counter, counterfeit the swell; When billiards seem the sort of thing to do; When joys "unlimited" attend on "loo;" When-but take all in one expressive line- 'Tis pleasure's hour, and that hour half-past nine. YOUNG GENT.-Bless me! A London guide book! that indeed ye are; A metropolitan encyclopedia! But I'm inflexible. There lies my track, And I go towards it. CoMUs.- This then brings you back. (Comus changes a five-pound note in the pocket of Young Gentleman, and a great number of temptations present themselves.) COoMs.-This is the sort of thing for jovial lads Who take out latch-keys and forsake their dads. Come, join our sports. 1ST BAc.- Of course he's in the right of it; This is what we call "life," so make a night of it. CoMUS.-Drink! and leave not a drop within the can. YOUNG GENT.-I drink as much as doth become a man- Who drinketh more is none. CoMUs (inviting to billiards).-Then take the cue. YOUNG GENT.-I beg to be excused-I never do. CoMus.-What, neither grog nor billiards ? Youeo GENT.- Not a drop, One never knows exactly when to stop. Enter THE GOOD GENIUS. GooD GENres.-Bravo, youth! you are right. These are delusions all- Snares into which young men are apt to fall. Experience, oft too dearly bought, I task Thy power those cheats and juggles to unmask! Strip this bright scene of gas-light's false illusion, And this is what it comes to. COLMUs.- Ah! Confusion! (Scene changes as Comus and Bacchanals disappear; grog-tables becoming police-court, billiard-table, pawnbroker's shop.) GooD GENIUs.-Your destination happily is this : Behold the haven of domestic bliss! (Scene opens to the temple of domestic bliss, on the shore of the haven of matrimony, and brilliant denouement to peals of wedding bells.) NOTES ON BOOKS. Artemus Ward his Book. Our American cousin of course, we mean FUN'S American cousin-is well worthy of the kinship he claims; or, rather, that we invest him with. ARTEMus WAmn is FUN, and FUN A. WARD'S him its cordial recognition of his relationship; although the concentrated "slanguosity (fine word this) of his diction suggests his immediate consanguinity to the Big-low papers; still, such is life -and if it isn't, what is it ? Robson, a Sketch. This recent specimen of cheap literature seems designed less to, biographize the lamented actor whose name it bears than to pedestalize, as it were, upon his ashes the erratic G. A. S. Of course it is needful that the public should estimate at its full value the Eos of G. A. S., and that they should prepare themselves for some astounding production from that facile pen; for do we not find at page 51 that G. A. S., despairing of finding in the works of other writers a fit character for the inimitable ROBSON to impersonify, was "half (self) persuaded to write a burlesque," but that "a feeling half of laziness," &c., &c., disturbed the "fine frenzy" of the modest biographer P It is also "pleasing to learn" that RossoN's gTatitude to G. A. S. assumed such an extravagant form as to make him nervously afraid of his scribbling praise-monger. Who would not be ? NOTE.-It is to be distinctly borne in mind that we do not, by in- serting any "notes on books," convey any opinion favourable to their contents. On the contrary, we generally dissent from them, but im- partially desire to give our readers the benefit of the doubt.-ED. FUN. ANOTHER NOBLE AUTHOR. THE Ex-KING OFr NAPLES is following-as far as a baboon can follow a bear-the example of an Imperial historian, and is about to publish a book. Italy may have wished that her enemy would write a book, but she would hardly have hoped that he would select the subject he has. Fancy Bombalino writing on the "Ingratitude of the World towards Kings." It is true that, as a rule, people are not extravagantly grateful towards the monarchs who do them the honour of living upon them. But the wildest royalist and loyalist would hardly have expected an enthusiastic recognition of the qualities of a Bombalino. Ingratitude to the murderer of liberty, the gaoler of free men and noble patriots, to the coward who deserted his supporters, and maltreated his wife, is an act of Christian duty. PROPOSED INSCRIPTION For the Statue to the Discoverer of Vaccination In Trafalgar Square. O'ER the wide world 'twas thine, great sage, A life-renewing seed to scatter, And prove to each succeeding age, How mind can triumph over matter. We mourn thee not, nor seek relief In elegy or doleful sonnet; Thou taught'st a better cure for grief- To put a pleasant face upon it. Take, then, with worthiest men thy place, A nation's voice awards thee this: A benefactor to thy race, A HOMO SUI JENNER Is. MAY 6, 18G6.] F t N.. LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN. No. 21.-THE M.P. ECONOMIST. THERE are few characters which are less popular with Governments, and therefore few more profitable and influential, than the r6le of the political economist, or we should rather call it the economical politician. There is between the two classes as wide a difference as between JOHN STUART MILL and MR. COX. With all its advantages it is by no means a difficult line to take, nor are the duties it entails very onerous. A sedulous attention and con- stant attendance while the estimates are under discussion, will make our student, if he decide on pursuing this particular line of Parlia- mentary business, sufficiently remarkable for pertinacious economy and regularity to admit of his taking his ease afterwards. The exact duties of the Economical M.P. are very easily defined. His task is to waste the public time in vain attempts to save the public money. His watchword must be retrenchment; his patron saint, JOSEPH HUME. Cox and WILLIAMS must be the names he venerates, and cheese-paring the occupation which he loves. Among other things he must be always demanding returns. We do not mean returns of that description which the lover of the nicotian herb puts into his pipe and smokes, but Parliamentary returns. For instance : the Economic M.P., in order to effect a saving in some item of our expenditure, say in military buttons, applies for a return of the number of buttons in use in the army in Great Britain and the colonies, with a probable statement of the numbers lost and broken in the course of the year, a table showing the relative prices of the various buttons in use in the different regiments on home or foreign service, the average weight and the materials of which they are made. If he is refused the return, he is supplied with a grievance which will last him during his whole career in Parliament. Whenever the cost of the army is questioned he will point out that it is unnecessarily increased by reckless extravagance in the item of buttons, and that that extravagance is so criminal that it is impossible to procure infor- mation on the subject from Government. If, on the other hand, he is granted the return, he will be ableaby a careful scrutiny and a little ingenuity, to find out that, for instance, two buttons may be saved on every coat in so many regiments. He will, should he succeed in persuading the House to order this alteration, have the satisfaction of knowing that he has effected a reduction which will save the country in ten years about a quarter of the sum which it cost to prepare the return. In this way, by reducing the estimates with one hand and increasing them with the other, the wise economist will run no risk of killing the goose that lays for him such golden eggs of grievance, but will be in the happy position of the famous Irishman who lengthened his trousers by cutting a bit off at the top and sewing it on at the bottom. The economist need not possess any remarkable elocutionary powers. Indeed, he will get on better without them, for if the House clears as soon as he gets on his legs, he has a double chance of advantage. If he gets on with his speech there will be less risk of his being answered, as so few have listened to it; and even if he be answered and routed, his misfortune will have fewer spectators. But if, on the other hand, he is "counted out," he is enriched with a wrong that he can parade to his constituents and the world at large. As a rule the economist will do best if he confines his attempts at economy to complaint and objection. To suggest measures of im- provement is not always safe. "To criticise is far easier than to create," and in like manner to grumble is easier than to amend." By a judicious course of fault-finding and cheese-paring, an ingenious economist may finally become so burr-like an annoyance to a Govern- ment that they will at last be glad to put up an expensive shelf for him, or even make him a viscount in order to get rid of his presence. We would recommend our young students, therefore-or rather, such of them as desire to shine as economical politicians-to learn off the life of HUME to begin with; it would hardly do to swear by a patron saint unless you know his history. A brief study of the careers of MESSRS. WILLIAMS and Cox will also be useful, and it may be handy to master the method and manner in which estimates are framed. These qualifications, with a superficial knowledge of the English language (no classics required), and very slight information about the aspirate, will go far to turn them into full-fledged econo- mists of the first water. The Dig-nity of Labour. SOME good people in Leipsic have founded a school for the purpose of instructing indigent children, from the age of six to nine, in the art of gardening. The notion is a very good one, and we should be glad to see some of these Kinder Garten" transplanted to British soil. It would enable many a poor wretch to start with better chances than the unjust steward, who, to beg ashamed, did not know how to dig. LETTERS TO THE COUNTRY. WRITTEN DURING THE LONDON SEASON. No. VIII.-FEMININE. An, me! the world's grown very old indeed, And, BELLA dear, I think 'twill soon decay, And I a maiden, like a garden weed, Shrink smitten from her garish light of day. Forsaken! jilted! anything you like, And all for nothing that I know of, dear! Cupid is like the iron-trade-out on strike ; Yes, CHARLIE'S gone-gone! gone! for ayo, I fear. Come death and wrap me in thy hideous gloom- Do draw the curtains, nurse, and shut the door (I hate to weep with others in the room); Oh, had I thought of jilting him before! Gone is he, nurse, and left me bore alone ? Oh, shut the horrid vision from my sight! Ye eyes dry up; faint heart, turn into stone; Yet I will write a note; nurse, bring a light. "DEAR CHARLIE,-You're a monster-an ingrate ; And I don't love you-never did, I swear. But now affection is the purest hate; You won't, I know, dear CHARLIE, greatly care. Sometimes, heigho I wish you were with me, Your arm around me and your lips on mine; No, never, CHARLES! and yet sometimes, you see, Clouds will give way, and glowing suns will shine. "No compliment! the day for that is past- I now breathe sighs where love once had its seat; Not sighs for you, for you were not the last That thought me fair, enchanting, joyous, sweet. Nay, CHARLES, you were; but little fibs, you know, Do tutor hearts allg iance to regain; And when flowers bud they just as well may blow- But now my heart is full of naught but pain." There's a pattern for you, my dear BELLA- You may take it or not as you choose, For my CHARLIE'S the jolliest fellow That ever got over the blues. He's come back like a bird to the fowler, And I'll hold him-blow me, if I don't! Now I'm off with my dogs Sam and Growler- Poor CHARLIE may sigh, but I won't. Piping Times of Peace. MR. BASs's Bill for putting down the organ nuisance was, we hoped, to usher in "the piping times of peace." And it has, with a ven- geance. The latest form of so-called street music is more terrible than its predecessor. The pifferari are a thousand times worse than the organ-grinders. We trust some kind M.P. will take up the cudgels on behalf of the outraged auriculars of JOHN BULL. The noise of the pipe is a compromise between a badly played bagpipe and the last moments of a fat porker. The miserable excuse made for the organs-that they were delicious music to the people of the poor dis- tricts (whither the organ-grinders never went)-cannot for a moment be maintained on behalf of the discordant demons, with their harsh screeds, discordant howls, and uncouth-if not, at times, indelicate- gestures. We call upon some Member who has "music in his ouil " -who is moved by the discord of shrill sounds-to rid us of the nuisance of these pifferari, whose "howls is worse than horgins," and whose leaping is beyond bounds. Tall Words I PRESIDENT JoHNsoN-notorious for his cups and hic-cups-has declared that he wishes JEFFERSON DAVIS to be "hanged twenty times as high" as some noted criminal recently executed. "Twenty times" may be looked on as tall words; but that is nothing extra- ordinary in a man like JOHNSON, whose language is so high that it is too strong for the human olfactories. VERY EMBARRASSING FOR THE COO. A NATURAL historian wishes to know under what science we should arrange a treatise on the Parasites of the Vaccine tribes. We should say that it would come under the head of Acoustics. 71 F U [MAY 6, 1865. POOR LITTLE CHAP! Policeman:-" Now, 'ANSOM, BACK A YARD OR TWO; YOU AIN'T GOT SUCH A SHIPLOAD AS PICKeORD." Hansom Cabby:-" I WAS IN THE NARRERI FUST, AND I AIN'T GOING TO BE INSULTED AND TRIED ON JEST A CAUSE I'8P A li if 'un!" Some Proposals Concerning America. MI. EDWIN ARNOLD has mado himself immortally ridiculous by pro- posing the presentation of swords of honour to GENERALS GRANT and SHERMAN, and if the idea should be taken up, he says he would very gladly subscribe ten guineas to carry it into effect. Anything else, MASTER EnwIN ? Perhaps you would be happy to second the following propositions:- That a barrel of BAss be presented to PRESIDENT JOHNS0so with MR. BULL'S compliments. That a couple of hundred good hemp halters be remitted by Jack Ketch to GENERAL BUTLER, as testimony of England's esteem for his pure-minded patriotism in desiring to hang the noble men who have fought bravely for their freedom from misrule and an arbitrary des- potism, but who have been defeated by the fortunes of war. That a golden pulpit and a robe of ermine be forwarded by two or three political vestry-clerks to MR. HENRY WARD BEECHER, in order that he may the more brilliantly preach irreligious violence under the guise of fulsome philanthropy. That an English regiment, a regiment of lion-hearted redcoats, be sent over for the purpose of capturing the heroic generals who have so often conducted the valiant Southern soldiery to glorious victories, and massacring the same. That PRESIDENT DAVIS be captured at all hazards, and sent to MEssas. Caossa and BLACKWELL to be pickled for the edification of posterity, and especially for the instruction of all MR. EDWIN ARNOLD'S descendants, should such an unfortunate race ever make its appearance on the face of the earth and manage to exist an ordinary lifetime. That a bust of Ma. EDWIN ARNOLD be erected somewhere near Tyburn, as a memorial of the man who was the foremost in England to toady to Federal success. That MR. EDWIN ARNOLD consider himself bonnetted by MR. FUN. A WoMsu's REPLECTION.-A looking-glass. NOT HIS LINE. THE Paris correspondent, in speaking of a new piece produced at the Bouffes Parisiens, describes a pair of female legs which form a pro- minent feature in the piece in these remarkable words :- They have the grace of HOGARTH'S line of beauty in them. We candidly confess that our notion of crural symmetry, founded on a recollection of the VESTRIS, does not consist of something like a tall capital S, which is HOGARTH'S line, but is not ours in this particular. Gentlemen Cock-fighters. IT appears that the MARQUIS or HASTINGS is not to be champion cock-fighter after all. A few days ago some gentlemen were secured in the respectable neighbourhood of the Haymarket indulging in the manly and humane pastime. We regret that they were allowed the option of a fine. They should have had their combs cut-prison trim -their spurs clipt, or hacked off by a butcher's knife, as was done to recreant knights in the middle ages; and they should have learnt the pleasures of fighting by a personal introduction to Brixton "mill." Dutch Doings. IT having been discovered that the flowers in the public gardens at Antwerp were in the habit of disappearing mysteriously, a watch was set. The watch was wound up by the discovery that the thief was a millionaire, whom the Dutch folk have set down (they ought to have taken him up) as a kleptomaniac-or whatever may be the Holland for this fine linen form of roguery. This instance should be placed at the disposal of all teachers of the young, as an example of picking and stealing." CaoCHET Wonx.-Music. FUN. (REPORTED BY OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONERI) THE return of the nobler sex being imminent, there appeared to be some little uneasiness in both Houses. In the Upper House it was seriously discussed whether it would not be advisable to lock the doors, stop the clock, and declare themselves sitting en perpetuum. MRS. RUSSELL ventured to say that she thought that JOHN would be angry. This caused such a storm of jeers that MRs. RussiLn was obliged to apologize, on the ground that her affection for her son AMBERLEY had for a moment reminded her that she was a woman. Mas. WESTBURY moved that the House do consider whether it be not advisable to reverse the order of the sexes, and shut out the bearded portion of the population from any share in the Government. (Cheers, and a yell from Slingsby, who was in his mother's pocket.) MRS. DERBY agreed on condition that she be allowed to hold one rein and MRS. WESTBURY the other. MRas. WESTBUE Y hereupon grew violent, and threw the woolsack at Mas. DERBY, who instantly showed fight, and a mel&c was prevented only by the entrance of the Chancellor himself. The fair sex skedaddled; the 'noble lord adjusted the sack and gave it himself. It is believed that he still has it, but it is not known ex-sackly. In the Lower House Mus. PALMERSTON seemed in great trepidation, and shook her fan at MRS. DISRAELI. MARS. LEADER OP THE OPPOSITION expressed great disgust at having a fan shaken at her. It might be fan-tastic, but that was not the point. They were met now to consider the question of womanhood suffrage, to which she objected. If Mas. PRIME MISTRESS thought otherwise, let her give vent to her feelings in a method worthy of her position, and not like a silly school-girl. Mas. SPEAKER said that a scene would not add to the dignity of the assembly. Mas. MONTArGU rose and pointed out to the honourable members that the session was just expiring, and they had not yet considered the rights of woman. Woman had not got them yet, but she meant to have them in spite of the polite sneers of the other sex. What were her rights ? Why, all that men possessed, and something more: freedom of debate and personal scandal; the right to impose laws upon all relations, especially poor ones; the tongue never to be limited, and the management of the leading journal confiscated and appropriated to petticoat interests. Mas. BAILEY COCHRANE mentioned the starting of Tes Parisienncs in Paris. This was a woman's journal, conducted by some ladies who styled themselves the Three Graces. Could they in this Parliament create a government department for the purpose of publishing a news- paper over which Mas. SPEAKER, MRS. PALMERSTON, and MARS. DISRAELI should preside ? MRs. B. OSBORNE wanted to know why the ladies had not started a comic paper ? Certainly MIR. FUN was most courteous, witty, and obliging, but he had the misfortune to be a man whom everybody loved, and whom nobody could monopolize. After some discussion it was resolved that a new comic organ be established, called the Petticoat Fhistle. Several members rose at once to give their views of the rights of woman, but Mas. SPEAKER, to the alarm of every lady present, uttered this singular exclamation:- SBy the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes I" Mus. BLACK ROD announced the approach of a solitary he-member. This proved to be a gentleman who had not taken the oaths-MBn. POTTER, of Rochdale, who, being particularly anxious to smell Par- liament before he entered as an actor upon the senatorial stage, had come up to look about the corridors. A lot of very radical ladies besieged the unfortunate gentleman, and MRS. O'DONOGHUE bonnetted him upon the spot. Three or four female policemen, who wore crinoline bonnets instead of helmets, came to the rescue, but finding the state of affairs, con- veyed away the he-offender and deposited him in a cool cellar under the Houses. Anarchy now ruled throughout both Houses, the clock in the tower was put back, and MRs. AMBERLEY was discovered at a very early hour on the following morning lecturing half-a-dozen demented applewomen, who cheered her to the echo. One applewoman asked whether the ladies of Billingsgate would come in for the suffrage under the bill which her ladyship intended to bring into Parliament. Mins. AMBERLEY was hereupon consumed with patriotic rage, con- tradicted herself six times in as many minutes, and, to the alarm and dismay of all the audience, was suddenly interrupted and taken home by MRS. RUSSELL, who made a great fuss, and said she would not have any of her connections making themselves a public spectacle. * When the nobler sex arrived from the country, the House was in delicious confusion. Tracts on woman's rights were scattered about the benches, bits of ribbon floated from the Speaker's chair, and several new crinolines, left behind in the mwiie consequent upon the unexpected appearance of Mnl. POTTER, lay in picturesque yet ghastly attitude about thle IHouse. " Order having been restored, our Commissioner returns to the more sober chronicles known as funn in Vaxliamtnt. TIH first days of the resumption of duty in the House of Commons were a little flatter than ditchwater, and less productive. On Wed- nesday, Sin GEORGE BOWYEIa brought forward the Inns of Court Bill, for taking the legal executive out of the hands of the Benchers. Who is to know whether a student ought to be admitted if not the Benchers ? Who is to know whether a man ought to be dis-barred if not the Benchers ? But the bill passed its second reading. Thursday was the great day. Slipslop Sm GEOREno GuEY got up to apologize for the fact that nothing had been said on Wednesday about the assassination of MR. LINCOLN. His chief had got the gout, and it could not be helped. We criticized Mn. LINCOLN freely, and our tribute to his memory ought to be all the more valuable. il The Budget is, of course, a success. The surplus, being over three millions, is to be devoted to taking sixpence a pound off tea, to re- ducing the income-tax to fourpence, and to making fire-insurance duty one shilling and one shilling and sixpence. Unhappy malt! it is no go, and much as we should like to seeoo the labourer supplied with sound cheap beer, instead of the dear and poisonous compound which he gets at metropolitan and provincial second and third-rate public- houses and roadside taverns, we must admit that the reasoning of the Chancellor of the Exchequer is most cogent. It is useless beggaring the finances to gratify even a very large section of poor beer-drinkers and wealthy barley-growers. From the budget speech we must believe that we are jollily rich as a nation. BULL's pocket is admirably lined, and the keeper of his pocket is one of the best financiers that ever breathed. To follow the reign of GLADSTONE with the reign of DISRAELI would be like putting a wild dream such as ALROY on HOMR's pedestal. GOING FURTHER AND FARING WORSE. WE hear that the next Haymarket novelty is to be Dundreary a father." We should have thought Dundreary, after having been a star of the first magnitude so long, should, with his increasing lustro, have become a sun rather than a father. THE GLASGOW GABIES. A SHORT while since a meeting was held at Glasgow "in defence of Sunday walking." What a pleasant place to live in it must be, when you have to defend the grounds on which you walk ! A BATTLE x REQUENTLY FoUGHT.-A-gin-court (Agincourt). MAY 6, 1865.] The hand of an assmrir., :1.." red, Shot like a firebrand .I.1' .lI. western sky; And stalwart AmAIIAAM LINcoLN now lies dead! Oh, felon heart that thus could basely dyo The name of Southerner with murderous gore ! Could such a spirit come from mortal womb ? And what possessed it that not heretofore It linked its coward mission with the tomb ? LINCOLN thy fame shall sound through many an age, To prove that genius lives in humble birth; Thy name shall stand upon historic page, For midst thy faults we all esteemed thy worth. Gone art thou now no more midst angry heat Shall thy calm spirit rule the surging tide Which rolls where two contending nations meet, To still the passion and to curb the pride. Nations have looked and seen the fate of kings, Protectors, emperors, and such-like men; Behold the man whose dirge all Europe sings, Now past the eulogy of mortal pen ! He like a lighthouse fell athwart the strand; Let curses rest upon the assassin's hand! FUN. TOWN TALK. By Tuz LuNCHER AT iiiHEPuBS. A VERY pretty meeting of teetotallers at Manchester, indeed! It seems nothing will suit MRn. LAWSON and his lot but that they must keep the consciences of their neighbours. How any professing Liberals can venture to countenance so audacious an interference with the liberty of the subject as the impertinent scheme of the vanity- intoxicated followers of MR. LAWSON propound, it is difficult to conceive. But there is no fear of the triumph of such imbecility. The blatant advocates of the Tyranny of Pumps are not sufficiently clever to promote their cause in a way to ensure success. Conceit-and-water on the brain is an intellectual dilutent, and washes all the force out of their arguments-except what tells against themselves. It is curious to see how weakly all the advocates of the mania argue for it-how strongly they argue against it unconsciously. An instance of this will be found in the story which some poor babbler (but then he was only a parson, so one is not surprised) told of a village where the public-houses were closed and temperance reigned in peace. But, alas for his conclusion! he was obliged to admit that there were one or two places where liquor was bought and sold clandestinely. What does this amount to ? Why, the baneful measure converts the honest man who drinks his modest glass of beer into a practical liar and defrauder of the revenue. But the teetotaller thinks this of little consequence, provided his hobby be only triumphant. The whole thing lies in a nutshell. Thirty people in a parish have no right to control ten others with regard to their private tastes and social habits. The thirty, if they choose, can abstain from the public-house; they have no right to compel the ten to take their drink in a cellar on the sly, as if it were a crime. The thirty turn a natural inclination into a source of dishonesty and falsehood; and they do yet more, they add to the already sufficient temptation of drinking the further and stronger provocation of making it "forbidden fruit." I AM very sorry to s&e that the Italian Government has ordered the seizure of Les propose do Lablenus. It is a sign of weakness. It is a sacrifice of the freedom of the press-which has been one of the chief boasts, and what is more, one of the best guarantees and safeguards of liberated Italy-on the altar of a despotic power, which Italy should know by this time is never to be relied on in the moment of greatest need. Had there been anything seditious, anything dangerous to the throne or menacing to peace in the pamphlet, there might have been some, but very little, excuse for this hungry consideration of the French Emperor's interests. But when it is only the man's wounded vanity-the irritability of the author-the womanly spleen of a great man, who writes and invites criticism, and then scratches the critics who obey the invitation-such complaisance is terribly damaging to Italy. She should have nobler aspiration than to tickle a tyrant in borrowed purple-she should have other occupations, grander thoughts. With her eyes fixed on the dawn-sky above Rome, with her heart full of glorious longing, her brain teeming with majestic thoughts, her soul soaring towards freedom, she should have no time or attention to waste for the hoarse shrieks of a disappointed vulture who wished to be an eagle. Such a course would never have been adopted by CAVOunR. He, it is true, did everything in his power to obtain favour and recognition from the European states for the little kingdom that was to grow into United Italy. He joined the allies in the Crimean war for this object. But then the labour he took part in was a work in the right direction; he would have sprung at any height to raise his country; he would never have stooped that she might crawl upwards. THERE will be some stiffish contests at the next election! Conserva- tives and Liberals will both exert their utmost powers to return their men. The present House, it must be remembered, is LonD DERBY's- not PALMERSTON'S-so there is a little more weight on the Liberal side than at the last election. Still it will be a very close thing, and it behoves every good Liberal to do his best for the good old cause. I would recommend every man of influence to impress on all he knows the truth of JOHN BRIGHT's remarks anent the alleged identity of Conservatives and Liberals. The old fallacy will be one of the com- monest tricks employed by the Conservatives to filch seats withal. Let every honest man expose the petty attempt at chicane. Chicane, indeed-it is full-grown fowl play! WHAT glorious weather! The green things grow under one's very eyes. The promise of fruit is abundant; the orchards in the West of England are looking as they looked about three weeks or so ago-to wit, white Only then the white was that of snow, now it is that of abundant blossom, foretelling that autumn's horn of plenty will be brimful and running over. The same prospect of a good crop is held out by the meadows. They are heavier in grass now than in usual seasons they are likely to be a month hence. The wheat, too, is springing fast. The only ordinary country produce which is not to be met with often is the farmer's grumble, generally so very plentiful. [MAY 6, 1865. But I suppose another week or so of fine dry weather will biing that up in the form of complaints of want of moisture. IT is consoling to see how pluckily the Confederates hold out. They no doubt held Richmond from sheer gallantry rather than any actual necessity, for it seems they have long meditated a change of capital. The Yankees have yet got their work cut out for them. THE Royal Academy is open. I will give my readers an opinion on it when I have had time to form one properly. The Old Water Colour, though containing some remarkably good pictures, is below its usual high standard. The young new members are those who lend the exhibition its best charm. The older men seem to fall off a little. The New Water Colour-or, as it now styles itself, the "Institute of Painters in Water Colour "-is very much better than usual. In landscape-especially in marine views-it is stronger than its elder brother. I HOPE that the bill for free trade in theatres will pass, though it wants considerable modifications. The Daily Telegraph, which curiously quotes Drury Lane and the Adelphi (!) as the chief theatres in London, is naturally opposed to it. But its arguments are very weak. If the audiences at theatres and music halls are so very different, why are managers-and papers interested in the welfare of Drury Lane and the Adelphi-so very bitter on the subject of this bill ? MURDER WILL OUT. On Tuesday afternoon, the 25th ult., towards the close of the sitting at the Bow-street Police-court, an intimation was received by SmE THoxAs HENRY that Miss CONSTANCE KENT, accompanied by the REV. MR. WAONER, of St. Paul's, Brighton, was on her way to London for the purpose of surrendering herself upon this charge."-Daily Telegraph. SFIVE long years ago, when summer Ripened to its prime, A secluded village shuddered At a deed of crime. At a crime so dire and fearful Listeners held their breath, When they hearkened to the storied Circumstance of death. For a boy whose earthly summers Numbered scarcely four, Snatched from life by hands unloving, Slept to wake no more. For while midnight the world curtained, The assassin came; And when morning broke, the child had Nothing but a name. Nor deemed he he'd breathed his last prayer, Kissed his final kiss ; Slept, in other worlds to awaken, Never more in this. Then the deed so weird and fearful Held the world in awe, And the myst'ry long time baffled Bloodhounds of the law. Though the murderess againstt detection Five long years hath striven; Yet the murdered infant's death-cry Now hath reached to heaven. NEMESIs, with steps avenging, Tracked her long and far ; She who slew the hapless infant Standeth at the bar. A Fix for the Scotch Sabbatarians. SIR COLMAN O'LOGHLEN is an uncommonly good specimen of the keen Irish humourist. He has fixed his motion for authorizing the opening of the Botanical Gardens at Edinburgh so cleverly that the Sabbatarian Scotch M.P.'s will have to travel on Sunday in order to be present to oppose the measure in the House. Sm COLMAN is by no means a small-CoLMAX when he thus heaps coals of fire on the heads of the busybody Scotch M.P.'s who went out of their way to interfere with a bill to introduce Sunday trains in Ireland, THEY BORE HIM HOME." PRINCE NArOLFox has been to inspect the tunnel which is being carried through Mont Cenis. If we are to accept the opinion of the French Senate, nobody ought to be more self-conscious of what a bore should be than His Imperial Highness Plon-Plon. MAY 6, 1865.] FUN.79 CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED UP BY OUR OWN MouCHARD. SMITHr.-Death seems of late to have been busy among the great ones of the earth. The CZAEEWITCH, PRESIDENT LINCOLN, and MR. COBDEN, all snatched away within a month. BEowN.-Yes; the loss of the first and last, although not national calamities, were inexpressibly sad; but that of PRESIDENT LINcoLN and the consequent succession of ANDREW JOHNsoN may prove most disastrous both to us and America. SMITH.-Still, at the worst we may hope that, like so many re- publics, it may end in a military dictatorship of GRANT and the army. BRowN.-Yes; but that is hardly likely; for although the Americans are fond of striking a new line for themselves in their national affairs, yet when once that line is struck out, they are eminently conservative in its preservation; instarice the dogged way they have fought for the reconstruction of the Union as originally formed. SMITH.-Well, well, hope for the best; worse is scarcely possible. BRowN.-Do you see the Prussians have had a decided slap in the face from the Austrians in the matter of the Duchies P SMITH.-As touching the removal of the Prussian navy from Dantzic to Kiel ? BRowN.-Yes; although for my part I don't at all fancy the Prussian thieves will release their hold on the Duchies without an equivalent of some sort. SMITH.-And who is to pay that equivalent ? Bnoww.-That's the question. Prussia has played the tune, after which Germany danced, and now claims her wages as piper. SmITH.-And will probably get them. BRowN.-I wonder when L'Africaine will be produced after all ? SMrrH.-And I wonder who'll sit it out if it is played in its entirety P Did you see it takes seven hours and a half to get through the whole of it? BRowN.-I suppose beds will be provided for the audience. SMITH.-Well, that would be reasonable, only I think the public would prefer taking it in two doses if they don't shorten it. BROWN.-MEYERBEER seems to have gone on the principle of the old proverb. _SmiTH.-What one do you mean ? BnowN.-Why, You can't have too much of a good thing." Answer to the Cynical Contributor's Suggestion, A Home for Poor Relations." THANxs, Mn. DIVES, for your proposition; You surely are performing well your mission. The Gon who lent you such abundant store, Sent your poor starving brother to your door, That you your riches might with him divide, Discarding all unseemly show or pride ; That you to him your sympathy might show Your friendly aid-your pity for .his woe. In Holy Writ you'll find how hardly they Who riches boast can find the narrow way. More easily a camel may go through A needle's eye than heaven's gate can you. Let not your poor relation cry in vain; Behold him sent your precious soul to gain; Behold in him GOD's messenger of love, To waft your precious soul to realms above. Old bachelor, why do you hoard your wealth ? It brings you neither peace of mind, nor health. Your nephew's toiling up life's slippery hill- You've put him down for something in your will; 'Twere better far that you should help him now, While youth and energy are on his brow. If he should prove as grateful as he ought, Your pleasure in this life is cheaply bought; But if ingratitude his conduct dyes, Your Great Approver lives above the skies. A QUESTION AND AN ANSWER. SOMEBODY has been writing to one of the papers to inquire why MR. CowPra does not water Rotten-row. Anybody might have known Ihat the Autocrat of Works, who made a stump oration from a bench in Hyde-park, is too fond of kicking up a dust to dream of water- carts. A CON FOR TH~ FoxHUNTBR.-Why is the running of a fox like the careful perusal of a book ?-Because it goes from cover to cover. The "Flower" of the Flock. "A NVUrsEors section of the electors of Marylebone, who style themselves ' advanced Liberals,' have determined to bring forward two candidates in opposi- ti on to the present sitting mcnil ers. One of the candidates is MR. MITCIILT., a retired floricultulisi, "lho, in addition to holding extreme political views, has (so say his friends) abundance of money." OH, happy, happy days'are these, When wealth is nothing, merit much; VWhen intellectual busy bees Can suck the honey-drops from such! Oh! nonsense, nonsense! Wrhy not one As well as t'other have our votes ? When every fool who reads may run, Or row a race with slighter boats. We know there's nothing in a name; Allied to money polo-cats smell In some queer noses just the same As musky rose or asphodel. Ho! MITCHELL, floriculturist, Retired on fortune made from scents, Put your name on the senate's list, In Mary'bone pitch floral tents. But oh great MITCnELL,, in the HTouse Remember roses and their ways ; Be dumb as the most church mouse, And silent bloom in mid-day rays. With long opinions, longer purse, And naught particular to do- Well, Mary'bone might p'rhaps do worse; You're flowers embodied-now go woo ! NOTES AND QUERIES. A BAnD.-Your verses are noble. But we think the description of the present season as "A summery spring from winter's grasp," borders too closely on the ridiculous to be anything but sublime, and so are compelled to decline. A PUZZLED ONE.-As you very justly observe, it is difficult to pro- nounce the name of the lale Prime AMinister of Madagascar, RAINYVONINRITnIIOiONY. We believe, however, that he is familiarly known as the Rainy vun "-in irony, of course, because he is the sun of Royal favour. BENEDICT wishes to know if he can beat his wife. If she can't beat him, we suppose he can. A CANDIDATE is informed that his chance of election for the borough in question will be entirely regulated by his physical strength and powers of endurance; as, of course, he will have to stand until he takes his seat, and the election will not take place for another month. QUERIST.-A commercial traveller cannot be rightly described as an officer and a gentleman, although he does get his commission. A CHESSMAN.-If you have lost one of your pawns you had better get a duplicate. Rooks may beo taken by the old method of putting salt on their tails. PARISIAN.-We are glad to hear that EAnIL RUSSELL'S CoIIs1tution of England has had such a good sale in France. But we are not surprised; France would give any amount for the constitution of England. Don't you wish you may got it p BEETLE-ORUSHEn.-Pedology, or the language of the feet, is the latest science out. It is a French discovery, but it is presumed steps will be taken to place it on a permanent footing in England. If you will he good enough to send us the length of your foot we will see if we can't find some pedologist to sketch your character-broadly, of course. Boozy writes to tell us that he sees in a paper, which he takes in, that Condensed ale is the latest novelty in beverages. A little of it goes a great way." He wishes to know if he can drink it without any fear of its getting into his bead. We don't know anything about that, but we will guarantee that, although a little goes a great way, it will never affect his brain. BLOW IT! WE see it announced that a joint-stock company is in progress of formation to promote the art of, and cultivate a taste for a6rostation. We should recommend them to invest their capital in pipes and soap- suds, for there is no aerostation so likely to prosper a joint-stock com- pany as the congenial employment of blowing bubbles! A BURNING SHAME.-Tho Pusayite candles. FUN. [MAY 6, 1865. A NICE PARTY. MNatilda (who is slightly jealous, to Laura):-"I WONDER HOW MUCH LONGER HE IS GOING TO HOLD HER HAND; AND BEFORE EVERY ONE, TOO, AND HE ONLY AN INSURANCE CLERK AT S250 A YEAR " Laura (a sarastic girl):-" THAT ACCOUNTS FOR IT, DEAR. DON'T YOU KNOW HIS OFFICE IS THE HAND-IN-HAND " A ROYAL TASTER. M. DE SOMEBODY died in Paris the other day, this same M. de Some- body having for a long series of years officiated as taster to the Tuileries, i.e., the EMPEROR'S table. We have, hitherto, had nothing of the kind in England, as folks are not so anxious to poison their Sovereign as they are over the water. This being so, however, there appears to be a desire to reverse the order of things, and this will be explained by the following item of intelligence :- SThe Pinxce oF WALES was to-day elected President of the Acclimatization Society of Great Britain, in the room of the DUKe OF NEwcAtsTLi, deceased." PRLNCE EDWARD is to be taster to the British nation. In future let us remember that if any of our friends who are so fond of introducing outlandish flesh to our modem dinner-tables go off this mortal stage in a fit of something or other, PaRINCE EDWARD will be responsible. He has ratified the proceedings of the society for making people eat some- thing more than beef and mutton. MR. SALA found some philosophy in some frogs' bones which he picked up at these dinners, but his next attempt at eating strange meats may prove that there is more philo- sophy in heaven and earth than is good for a literary man's digestion when taken internally. Let the Prince beware; he is the connecting link between barbaric food anda civilized being, and if he allows us to be poisoned he must be held responsible. By Oar (Honey) Moon-struck Contributor. WE find sometimes to have a Miss" Is very, very far from bliss; But the greatest bliss of earthly blisses, Is to turn a Miss" into a "Mrs." CRAZY JANET. No, I don't feel myself, dearest mother, Though JANET'S a sweet pretty name; Yet I'm far from exactly another, Which comes to precisely the same. I know not the cause of my sadness, And yet I'm sufficiently sane To perceive the extent of my madness, And long for my reason again. Is there aught in these raptures of sorrow, Is there aught in these pangs of delight, That canbring back the mirth of to-morrow, Or the smiles of next Saturday night ? 'Tis in vain that I sigh for the treasures That fled when the future took wing, Though I fondly look forward to pleasures That last Easter Monday may bring. Concealing the orgies of hunger Beneath a gay smile of despair, I shall keep getting younger and younger Till infanicy bleaches my hair; And perhaps-'tis a wild hope to cherish- When life shall return to its morn, Yes, perhaps I may happen to perish A little while after I'm born. LITERARY INTELLIGENCE. MA. DIRCKS has published a Life of the Second Marquis of MWorcester, the supposed inventor of steam. We imagine the frontispiece will con- sist of a photograph of the scientific nobleman, taken from his ghost by kind permission of MR. DIRCKS' co-proprietor, PROFESSOR PEPPER. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-May 6, 1865 1 MAY 13, 1865.] FUN. AT THE PLAY. Mn. FEcHTER seems of late determined to become the subject of unpleasant comparisons, by performing parts which have previously been regarded as the great tours le force of other actors. His new assumption of Belphegor is a case in point. After having served as a vehicle for the display of the extraordinary humourous and pathetic talents of FREDERIC LEMAITRE-to whom, by the bye, we cannot, in justice to the great Parisian actor, compare MA. FECHTE-.Paillasse, for that was the original name of the drama, was introduced to us in an English dress by MR. DILLON and by MR. WEBSTER. Under the auspices of both those gentlemen it was a great success; for while Mn. DILLON'S impersonation of the hero possessed most delicacy of treatment, that of Mn. WEBSTER had the great merit of being the most pathetic. Worthless as the drama is in a literary point of view, it was yet impossible to see Mn. WEBSTER as the ill-used showman without sympathising deeply with his wrongs. Nor was it only in the pathetic scenes that Met. WEaSTER's genius stood pre-eminent; he was equally excellent in the humourous portions, and it is here that the wide difference between him and MR. FECHTER is so broadly marked. More especially is this the case in the first act, where Belphegor exhibits his tricks to the gaping rustics. Mn. FECHTERH possesses absolutely no natural humour; a certain lightness there is in his acting which may at times pass as such, but it is as different from the real thing as trifle from solid pudding. Nevertheless, his impersonation would be very good had we not seen better. The only feeling his little son awakens is one of unmitigated pity at so small a child being dragged nightly from his natural rest to come and "fret and fume his hour upon the stage." MADEMOISELLE BEATRICE played the character of the wife with great judgment and womanly pathos, and were it not for her unfortunate accent, which, after all, is not her fault, and is shared in an equal degree with MR. FECHTER, would have been all that we could desire. Altogether the revival of the piece was ill-advised, considering by what actors it has hitherto been performed. At the St. James's, Ma. FREDERICK ROBSON, the son of the late MR. RoeSON, has made his first appearance to a London public in the new classical burlesque of Ulysses, or the Iron-clad Warrior, by M BunwAND. Possessing his father's face and figure, he seemed on his first appearance to be literally an old friend, and as such was welcomed by the audience. An excellent dancer, his imitation of DONATO was very striking, and his sudden changes from burlesque seemed to remind us more and more of his father. Of course he does not yet possess that capability for intensifying a passion to almost a climax of horror, but we have little doubt that in time he will prove a great acquisition to the stage. Of the burlesque itself we cannot say much. It is certainly not up to the mark of Mn. BURNAND's burlesques in general. There is a looseness about the plot which is carried to an extent that is positively unheard of even in the annals of burlesque, and to that class of play we are willing to concede a great deal. Then, too, there is a heaviness about Ulysses which is unpardonable, and compared with his Pirithous, now playing at the Royalty, the verdict is very much in favour of the latter. Mn. CRAVEN seems determined to keep up his reputation both as actor and author, and those who have not seen him in Milky White should hasten at once to remedy that omission by visiting the Strand Theatre, and see One-Tree Hill. As for those persons who did see the previous piece, they will need no urging to pay a second visit to the theatre. How Jack Salt, an old Greenwich pensioner, finds a grandchild, Annie, whose husband, Tom Bubble, has run through a legacy belonging to the aforesaid Jack-how T. B. is himself duped and plundered by a certain Foxer-how Jack Salt has a friend and boon companion, one Dick White, a mulatto, with an affection of rum and water to the head, and who is the heir to an old West Indian, to whom Bubble thinks he is the heir-how the docu- mentary evidence on which the claims to the property rest are ab- stracted and restored from Jack Salt, to whom they have been intrusted by Dick White-and how, finally, it turns out that the estate belongs to Miss Cecilia Weston, and Foxer comes to grief, and all ends happily-is it not to be seen night after night in the two-act drama of One-Tree Hill ? Of the actors it may be said that Mni. CRAVEN'S Jack Salt and Mn. STOYLE's Dick White are alone worth the price of admission. Friends from the country will please accept this intima- tion. In fact, One-Tree Hill is a worthy successor of Milky Wllhite. The northern traveller-i.e., he who goeth to the wilds of Islington and Clerkenwell-may, if he so willeth, drop in to Sadler's Wells Theatre. He will there see a classical burlesque, entitled Calypso and Telemachus, which, although not very brilliant, seems to find especial favour with the denizens of those parts. LOVERS' QUARRELS. SIErras, sobs, and sighs all broken, Just a little fierceness spoken, A good deal of coldness; Hands unclasped and hanging idle, Like a vacant pony's bridle, Creeping hostile boldness. Both the little fools in fault are, Necks noosed tightly in the halter, Yet loth to confess it. He looks on her tender fingers, By her dress-hem softly lingers, Murmuring God bless it! " She with face averted tosses Tresses, tries to show she cross is, Knows that he is dying; Time elapses, and the crisis Comes with spices heaped on spices, Both more tightly tying. Happy memories of the past are These, as cast in alabaster, They exist for ever. Hapless he who in his lifetime, Wandering on into the wife-time, Has possessed them never ! EXTINCT ANIMALS RECENTLY PtrESENTED TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. THE following antediluvian curiosities, discovered during the progress of the Thames embankment, and now in the Geological Department of the British Museum, will shortly be displayed to the astonished gaze of the public :- No. 1 is a specimen of the ancient crusher," addicted to area- haunting and moving on old apple-women. No. 2 is a street-boy addicted to chaffing respectable citizens, sliding on the pavement in frosty weather, throwing stones, and crying out " criky on every possible or impossible opportunity. No. 3 (over which PnOFESSOI OWEN was observed to shed tears) is the skeleton of a lovely young girl who died of grief because a stern parent forced her to wed a handsome but wicked marquis, when her heart was already given to a melancholy young lawyer's clerk with weak eyes. No. 4, a milkman, who manufactured his milk in the ancient British style-i.e., of chalk, calves' brains, &c., diluted with pump-water, in place of procuring it with far less trouble, from the country by means of the railway. Beside him was discovered the iron tail of his only cow. No. 5, Pre-something cabman, who refused to take sixpence less than five times his proper fare, and offered to fight a stout old gentle- man for "the odd two bob." There are a few more of these antediluvian treasures, but want of space prevents us from noticing them at present. "When in doubt play a trump I" THE authorities at Westminster Abbey, feeling a little dubious as to the effects of the COLENSO heresies on the public, are following the old rule in whist, for we learn that:- The trumpet has been introduced into the grand service at Wectmlnister Abbey." A trumpet at divine service! Oh, blow it! VOL. VIII. I FUN. [MAY 13, 1865. LECTURES FOR LITTLE STATESMEN. No. 22.-UNDER SECRETARYSHIrPS. Ocv young political students, many of whom will probably wing their way on newly-fledged pinions, that we have had the task of preening for them, to various constituencies at the approaching general election, will no doubt be glad of a few hints as to the proper mode of conducting' themselves in those high offices to which they, rightly or wrongly, imagine their high qualifications and the distin- guished lectures they have attended must at once ensure their ap- pointment. They will, on referring back to the early lectures of this course, find essays on the chief posts in the ministry, with full and sufficient directions for their department. But some of the subordinate and minor appointments have not yet been spoken of, and although, doubtless, each one of our students deserves nothing less than a premiership, and would hardly have his merits fairly recognized in any other position, yet, unfortunately, in the political lottery, prizes are few and candidates many, and there- fore some of our rising statesmen who quit their place at our feet to take a prominent part in the Legislature, must be content with such lesser rewards as Under-Secretaryships and the like. The qualifications for an Under-Secretaryship vary considerably. If you happen to be a nobleman you may get an Under-Soecretaryship as soon almost as you got a seat in the House, even although your antecedents are calculated to prove you better fitted for a page of the backstairs, temp. (' AnLES II., than an English minister in the reign of HIun MIAJESTr QUEEN VICTORIA. Your reputation, if you have any at all, may have been made by something rather approaching to notoriety than fame, and the world, if it has heard of you at all, may have learnt your existence by rumours of acts which, if they do not disqualify you, at all events do not specially fit you for the grave responsibilities and exalted duties of a minister. But all these things may be overlooked if you be but lucky enough to be nobly connected, or have a handle to your name. Of course when you have been raised to such eminence it will be as well to lay aside the amusements, the follies, and indiscretions of youth; or, at any rate, you must appear to do so. It may not be pleasant, it is true, to relinquish all that you have hitherto considered to constitute life. But it will be well to remember the words of that sage clockmaker, SAsMUEL SLICK, of Slieksville, a nun who knew the time of day, and who pronounced this ....L. -" for the benellt of youth, Life is not all beer and skittles." AWhen y.ui are once firmly established, then, in your Under-Secre- taryship, you may do very much as you like, provided you attend to the hint we have juiit tlirown out. Perhaps thie best plan which our young student can adopt when thus situated, is to manko himself as unpopular as possible with his subordi- nates. The more they grumble at him the more the world will praise him for his unpopularity, it being a recognized, though quite fallacious, fact that Government officials never do any work, and always hate those who try to make them perform their duty. Another excellent plan is for our youthful U. S. to maintain such a distance as to remier him utterly ignorant of the merits, the wishes, the move iints, and the opinions of his subordinates. By this means ho will be enabled, when the necessity arises, to satto with regard to themni (say, as to their opinion on a change in their establishment) exactly the reverse of the truth. If lihe is not found out, so much the better; if lie is, why he can eat his leek and his own words with a very bad grace. And he can be sure of not injuring his constitution by the latter meal, for since his words did not Ugree with the truth, they will probably suit his taste and constitution admirably. As, however, an isolated position is not always pleasant, our U. S., if lie likes, can attach to himself one or two of those poisons (always to be found among his subordinates) who are readiest to fetch andl carry, to report and spy, to mis-state and falsify just as lie requires them to do. In this way he will be enabled to know about the office, which he is supp sed by the public to be 1..... ..-quaintcd with, only as much ;s, and exactly the things .. I.. i.. it his interest to know. Whatever does not suit his purpose he is ignorant of; what- ever suits it, he or his hangers-on can manufacture. By a pci, tt adierem e to this advice, by a careful attention to these rules, our young stuiilit raised to an U..]..m...... i i.. may do much. lie may compel those who wounh a, -. ,. ,_ i r the follies of hiss v t- i to recall them as a warning to othcis. lie may lay up for hi. !'i,;c career the enmity of men who would willingly have ihlpdl hI: fu,! ure career. ie imay kindle in iwh breasts of those on wliose go,.d and willing working the sue's.s of any measures with which heli is conn(ei ctd may dip)end, a spirit of dissatisfaction and demoralization. lie may earn the contempt of honest men and the "'-, .. scomn of public writers. He may even perhapsso stir p some d r re-el etoii mi:avy made a matter of difficulty: and he may drag into the, obloquy which his acts have obtained, and into the puuislhmieLt thel deserved, the minister to whose foolish kindness lie owes his advai.c Mrent. And what could our young student wish more? LETTERS TO THE COUNTRY. WRITTEN DURING THE LONDON SEASON. No. IX.-MASCULINE. THmrsr's nothing, FRANK, in this queer state Which makes a man so pleased, As when he thinks that he's irate To find he's only teased. This, FRAsm, has beeoon the case with me (And 'twas the same with GRACE), But now we're like two merging smiles Upon the selfsame face. Now let me drag the olive down And cypress foliage wave, For suicide runs through the town And seeks a coward's grave. Poor LINCOLN gone and now FerzROY- Their stars went out as one! And I confess that I, my boy, Would fly the garish sun. There's something horrible and black About the news just now; If GRACE would, I'd soon turn my back And fly the ghastly row. For horrors I ne'er had a taste, They always made me ill; I once embraced a mad aunt's waist, By Colney Hatchney mill. Then I was young and didn't know What madness really meant; I thought embracing was the "go," And so I let it went." My aunt grew savage, seized my ear, And nearly bit it through ; Then, FRANK, I think I first knew fear- I scarce know what I know. Oh! come, dear GuAcE, we'll wander to the shade, Where suicide ne'er carries on its trnde, And there find bliss. Let all the world go hang, an' it so list.; But give me, sweet, your petty little fist, And just soe kiss. CZAR-VED HIIM RIGHT! MouAVTI'Err, who has long been the post and scourge of poor Poland, has been removed from his command. lie was not, however, dismissed for his real misdeeds, but 1, catne he neglected to listen to a recommendation to mercy nido by the Fri nch representative at Warsaw. The CZAO is anxious to be on friendly terms with his imperial cousin, and the military executioner is himself suspended. The French Emperor has, therefore, once more thi, credit of interfering in the essse of oppressed nationalities; only when he fought for Italy it was for an idea, and this time he had no idea he should benefit Poland. I CANNOT WRITE. I CANNOT write though not because Thoughts will not quickly :ow ; For now with inspirations now My brain is all a-glow. Fresh subjects lash aci oEs my mind From earliest dawn to night, And though my plaint scems passing strange, E'en now I cannot write. 'Tis not the demon Idleness Viho hath enehaine[d I y soll, !. ..I brilliant artiic'es Reaching their destiny, i goal. Neither hath trouble driven the bard To desperation's brink; In fact, your poet cannot write- EJi's neither pens nor ink. A FRIEND IN NEED.-A Quaker out at elbows. MAY 13, 1855.] FU N. THE OVERLAND ROUTE." Br Oun SPECIAL COMMISSIONER. No. XII., AND LAST. AiY DEAR Fux,-It was with a feeling of sadness that your Special C'..nmissioner once more trod the deck of the P. and 0. Steamer, and "it.hed the lovely shores of Ceylon receding from his view, for heo I i..,,ght that years might elapse ere again he looked upon that scene ..t 1.nauty; but he cheered up when he came to the conclusion that Mit I.iugh now comparatively (hlie says comparatively, but that is his F ..lesty) unknown, on his return lihe would probably be either a .. rnor-general, or at least a coummander-in-chief, or a member of ....rcil-he had not quite made up his mind which. And this consoled i,:, forhe is, as you arc aware, of an easily contented disposition, and ,is but little here below, as the late lamented Di. WATTS ohas it. 'If the next three days but little can be said. Eating, drinking, ,i .-cing, sleeping, and sirting' may be said to sum up the whole of .,. S. C.'s actions. To the first two employment, remembering :. his time was short and your interests were with him pre-eminent, l _ave much of his timo and appetite, and at the end of the three I ., the shores of India, his California, where he intended to turn up a L, ..ster ino-"'-"' of fortune, loomed in view. _our "'. '.' i Commissioner had heard much from his fellow- 'h sellers of Mh'lras andl its surf, and was, as he approached, at first Si h disappointed at the apparently placid character of the sea ; but It making practical acquaintatmce with the surf in the shape . t goingg ashore, he was quite content to acquiesce in the verdicts of N. old stagers. There are two modes of reaching the land, firstly, a i;. )olah boat; secondly, by a catamaran. The former of these is ..t about 40 to 60 tons, and is propelled by from 10 to 16 oars. 1 1 sea rolls in in long waves, which despite, as he thought, his i e":['cet immunity from nuo'ihd i dt ner, now had the unpleasant i... t of making your S. C. consult the waves in that peculiar i .d'ion so well known to persons indulging in eight hours at the .. ,ide, and which may be regarded in the light of the most perfect r.'tic yet invented. As the sea approaches the land the long ..ihnig waves break into angry surf, which, in addition to the certainty .. .trowniig the traveller if he gets upset into it, possesses the charm ..t wetting him to the skin if he doesn't. So that to drown or not to 1.. .wn, that is the question. Your S. C. says nothing of the ducking, ir.. n i, .. that must occur in either case ; since it is scarcely possible t I.e drowned without being ducked, unless indeed a pail of water or S- ash-hand basin li used for the purpose, an ignominious modo 1 making one's exit front the world, only to be equalled by re- ing a fatal injury fioem a donkey cart. The boatmen, however, ..I boardd the masoolah boats are tolerably accustomed to the surf, and *-..h the opportunity of a coming wave to shoot the boat ashore, i.. n, of course, it is at oneo dragged up high and dry, which latter itore than can be said of the passengers, as however high they may t. .*ragged they are seldom dry. The catamarans are adapted for the i. ption and conveyance of one passenger only, and as their chief i.. .ity consists in the facilities with which they right themselves tr. r being capsized, your S. C. was unwilling, for the sake of hLmIanity in general and of himself in particular, to intrust his '.i.able person to a craft with such a very equivocal reputation. -I' Madras there is but little or nothing to see, and as the steamer .i s there but just long enough to land the passengers and goods, I.t then off again, even the most enterprising traveller has scarcely t,.i to do much in the exploring way. The only observations which ir Special Commissioner made were, that the hotels made up in i, rges what they lacked in accommodation. Your S. C. tried three, .i. liked none, so be returned on board for the last time, and harried Hi, stewards to recruit his exhausted nature with those comforts ,ch he had been unable to procure on shore. nec more the anchor was weighed. N. Your Special Commis- .-, or thinks it his duty here to enter his protest against the absurdity .l this expression, since it must be evident even to the meanest .reprehension, that, considering the number of times the sailors pull ,ii. the anchor, they must know its exact weight to an ounce, and that Speak of weighing it under those circumstances is an act of super- *...- rtion to be classed with carrying coals to Newcastle, or painting I.. '.i or any other peculiarly foolish operation of which we read in .* -ks, but never see in actual life. Court days more brought the steamer and its precious freight-i.e., ..r Special Commissioner-to Saugor Island, at the month of the 7i. oghly, up which we proceeded to Calcutta. The scenery in the ,. .*r reminded your" S. C. of the Thames at Richmond, only he r*.sed the outriggers and the cockneys trying to row, and cutting' r-, Crable crabs in the attempt; but lie is not going to give you a de- '-'- ption of the river, as it has been done so often, nor, for the same son,'is lie about to favour you with his first impressions of Cal- 'iita, though of course these were characterized by that originality which is part and parcel of his nature. Suffice it to say, your Special Conmmissioner arrived safe and sound at his journey's end, and thus terminated THE OVERLAND ROUTE. NOTES AND QUERIES. A YouNO PATxnTm.-We cannot quite agreo with you in your opinion that the personification of the golden morn ought not to be Aurora, but a veller. A COMPOSE-l.-You want an idea for some grand pihe like llANm;L's "HIarmonious latlcksmiith," do you? Well, why not try the t" AMlsical LLaundress You might get a pretty effect of chiim's descriptive of liher wrin,,ing the clothes. You nmsl, of course, kcp all your notes on the line to illustrate the drying of the linen. CoiociEY.-Thei French certainly excel us in thle ciulinary irt., but i1 is chiefly on account of their pottago that they claim iisup riority. ANti-'oMMsYces.-T1heveisn to which you refer is always called ti' jug'lar, because the conjurer swallows swords in its inmurdiate vicinity. AN ANTIrsAHY,-It is not considered polite to tell -, Lonton milli- man to "walk his chalks." As you conjecture, "' Tlly-olt is an allusion to the score which thevendor of the lacteal flaid keeps behind the door to check his customers and encourage his sile. C. Crnia.-If you poke your fingers into the haunts of the lostt, r you will find what the creature can do at a pinch. 'ou will speedily be glad to give up possession, and can do so by the lhlp of an instri- ment called the ejectment claws. A YouNG PiOET wishes to know whether hoe may eall his lines to hii-; love-lady on her birthday An ANNwi-vorse-ry." lhe can if h like-, an that 1) tlhe young lady's name, as SHAKuESPEAiRE woiid say. WVIIITEFEATriiER wishes to know what sort of aceti'n he should com- mence against a gentleman who kicked him. lie has his choice of two kinds of action-kicking back again, and running away. QUERIST.-1. No. 2. No. 3. No. Now go and follow your noi.;. A GARDENER is desirous of learning how to hasten the growth of l;0i crocuses. We should think he had better have them up tt oneo before the magistrates for swearing. TAx GATurEI tE.-You may claim the duty for a carriage on a eart/ dte visited, and we wish you may get it. ADVICE GRATIS. S RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED TO MI. NEWnDEGATE. As dogs delight to bark and bite, And snap at each his brother, So differing creeds delight to snarl, And growl at one another. Oh, NEWIDY, you should never let Your passion rise too high, And make assertions which you can't, When challenged, justify. And when in Parliament you speak Of Papist maclhination, Remember, ore you ope your mouth, To talk with moderation. By acting thus, when againstt Rome's faith You wield the verbal sword, By Bishops Catholic you'll run No risk of being floored. Oh, NEWDY, ponder well our words, And reckless statements shunm; Full many a truth's been spoke in jest, Full many more in FUN ! NOT A TALL! THE Court Journal announces that "the daughter of SIR -- will be shortly married." Will she, indeed ? We hope she is not as lofty as her birth, or she may look down on him by wliom she is to bic "shortly married. Perhaps, though, she fancies if slith did not marry a short man she would not marry at all. Or-ah, tlat is it, no doubeit -"shoi tly married" means simply married in the ordinary manner as distinguished from chorally" (as is so often seen inserted in announcements, now-a-days), because that must be rather a longish ceremony. THiE BEST LIQUID TO TAKE TO INCREASE ONE's SIZE.-Doubling (Dublin) Porter. 83 8 FPUN. [MAY 13, 1865. WHICH IS WHO? C64bitan (going to take up at Covnt-garden) to Gentleman in black:-" HANSOM TO THE OPERA, Smin?" 1lark Gentleman:-"VELL, NOT TO-NIGHT, MY TULIP, I AIN'T CLEANED UP TET; 'ERE'S A COVE AS IS, THOUGH." BALLADS FOR BACHELORS. Br oNvE WHO IS CONFIIRMED IN IIS EVIL COURSES. No. I.-" She is gone from my gaze like a beautiful dreamm" " SE is gone from my gaze like a beautiful dream ; " Though I may feel the loss, yet I cannot weep o'er her, For an old proverb saith, Things are not what they seem; " And since FAN and I quarrelled, I cannot deplore her. I'm certain she was an extravagant girl, And the goddess was kind who forbade us to marry ; Her only thoughts were of skirt, dress, hat, and curl, And how she might please NED, TOM, Gus, or HARRY. She is gone from my gaze: truth compels me to say Whenever she wanted a new charm or locket (For the lady was willing to be too/sours gat), The jeweller's bill caused a drain on my pocket. She is gone from my gaze; and yet once FANNY said No persuasion should e'er make her love any other ; She vowed she'd be happy if once we were wed, And told me 'twas vain her real feelings to smother. She is gone from my gaze, and I cannot forget The undisguised pride of her fond loving pater, When Miss FANNY (arrayed in white lace, tulle, and net) Accompanied me to old Drury's Theayter. She is gone from my gaze, and I wish I could see, If only in fancy, the money I wasted On the lady (she ne'er cared a pin's point for me, Or how, for her sake, on to ruin I hasted). She is gone from my gaze; I can't say, I am vext," Or, "I cannot find words to betoken my sorrow; " For she'd part with one love on the slightest pretext, If she thought she could find out another to-morrow. "She's gone from my gaze like a beautiful dream"- Of course, wouldd be proper to say my heart's breaking; That people who know me a falsehood would deem, For they think from my dream I feel joy in awaking. VERY STINGY. WE picked up the following scrap of intelligence when our mouth was full of rump steak and oyster sauce, and we were nearly choked with amazement:- P rORTSMOUT1, MAY 1. This day is PRINCE AnrT U's birthday. No salutes fired or ships dressed." What does it mean ? What is the use of having a royal family if we don't keep their birthdays ? Indeed, what is the good of anybody having anything if they don't keep it themselves, or don't get somebody to keep it for them-and especially a birthday ? We certainly never keep a birthday; but then, we were never born in the ordinary way. We dropped metaphorically from the womb of the morning, and no chronicler can define the date of our birth. But PRINCE AnRTUR was born on the first of the merry month of May, and although the Admiralty will blaze away millions of pounds of powder over guns and targets which turn out of no use, they positively can't fire a few rounds in honour of the birthday of a Prince of the blood royal. We say it's confoundedly stingy; and, moreover, disloyal, and if we were the QUEEN we'd cashier every lord, old and young, in the Admiralty. Not a flag raised higher, and all the ships naked! This is adding indecency to contempt. F U J N.-MAY 13, 1865. EMANCIPATION. Columbia:- "TAKE THY FREEDOM, AND BE THANKFUL; FOR IT HAS COST ME MUCH." ------------- MAY 13, 1865.] F U N. 87 jun ini ar iae nt. THE Courts of Justice Bill has got into the Lords, and Lincoln's Inn, the two Temples, the Society of Solicitors, and the Law Debating Society are for the Carey-street site. The LORD CHANCELLOR very properly told their lordships, who perhaps rarely know what a bad atmosphere really is, for they never get it at their clubs, that it is not possible for a sensitive being to get on in the courts allotted to the puisne vice-chancellors. At Westminster also the rooms of justice are little more than pigeon-holes (where very tawdry pigeons lay very queer eggs sometimes). Moreover his lordship thought that it would be a good thing to weed out of the centre of London a nest of fever and a receptacle of all sorts of abominations." The only thing is that if Parliament began to weed they would begin at Carey-street, and we fear, eventually enter St. Stephen's-even the House of Lords itself in course of time. The discussion in the Commons on this day (Friday) was of the dullest description. Now that the Budget has been delivered, and PRESIDENT LINCOLN assassinated, there is small prospect of anything either to fight over or condole about. MR. POLLARD- URTQUHAtT began to call the Irish Spirit (Duties) from the vasty deep : they came, and all the members bolted, the House as a consequence being counted out. Monday was a field day for neat speeches, but the House of Lords exhibited a dead failure. Speeches of sympathy are the most difficult concoctions imaginable. MR. CowPER tried the other day to sympa- thize with some rag-workers. His failure was rather more conspicuous than that of LORD DERBY, but not more infelicitous. The noble earl in following LORD RUSSELL in expressing horror at the assassination of MR. LINCOLN got on to delicate ground-ground which has been avoided throughout, for he expressed a strong opinion in favour of the South. In fact he gave vent to pro-Southern feelings in a manner which would have been a casus belli six months ago. The Lords did little more than this sympathetic speech-making. In the Commons Dizzy was really great. "Assassination," he said, "has never changed the history of the world." And again, But even the costly sacrifice of a C.ESAt did not propitiate the inexorable destiny of this country." Strange that DERBY could not get the ring of his subordinate's pathos. We suppose he expended all his brilliancy on Honmer at the Academy Dinner on the previous Saturday. The Bank Notes Issue Bill and the Partnership Amendment Bill were the uninviting topics which occupied the remainder of the sitting. It was complained in the Lords on Tuesday that by the Irish Insolvency Acts retrospective protection is given to bankrupt railway companies. It is very hard lines that companies should be allowed to become bankrupt at all. If a company can't pay, it ought to be sold into slavery. LORD ELLENBOROUGII thinks that only a MICHAEL ANGELO could carry out the project of the New Law Courts. This is bosh, rather. If there are never any more opportunities there will never be any more MICHAEL ANrGELO. He did not expect to live to see chancery and common law barristers flying into one another's arms. We suppose none will ever live to do that-not even the oldest inhabitant of the oldest village in the oldest country of the oldest hemisphere of the oldest work of creation. The Commons got on that miserable old hobby of SIR CHARLES WVOOD's--the Indian army. Wo gave it the go-by. Wednesday was such a day that we feel very much inclined burst out into heroic verse. Not that this is heroic : There was a little BAINES, Who took the greatest pains To bring his little bill before the House, House, House ; But BOB LOWE made a speech, Quite out of BAixes's reach, And everybody cried, Oh! it's a chouse, chouse, house. Mn. BAINES wants-to elevate the nation without injuring any class, but Mit. LOWE politely told him that if he and his Liberals failed in carrying their measure they would ruin their party, and if they succeeded they would ruin their country. After that we should like to know how Mi. B. felt. Ruin before and behind him, ruin pinching him in the back, and staring him in the face. And when MR. LOWE had done proving to the House that an ex-minister could be greater out of harness than a good many ministers in, BERNAL OSBORNE and the Lone ADVOCATE rose together, valiantly fighting for that small orb the Speaker's eye. The Hlouse wanted jokes, so it yelled out for OSBOcNE. A decrepit joker! a funny bladder with a little hole in it! a sponge once full of moist humour, now like an old apple. BERNAL did not rise to the .r.... iu'iti.. There was as fine an opening for a rather elderly joker as ever came out of Egypt. And after a few speeches GLADSTONE appeared and wanted to represent the Government in the debate. Inexorable time beat the minister. The question is through! cried the Speaker, and away went the assembly, GLAD- STONE and all. Thursday, in both Houses, was as slow as its predecessor had been brilliant. There was a queer little prisoinal explialation in the lords, and a good deal of talk about ways mid t1,ans. 3Al AIloI.'iTT wanted a drawback on tea. Simple 'it Iting: in lihe world. Take it without milk or sugar, and that would be : rT.il, 'lrawliac'lk. A good deal more happened which hadn't much ftun i it, and as fun is our game, we shut up. A Drawing-Room Ballad. For Music. On, think not the heart which to-day is so light Will drink deep of oblivion to-mnorrow, That the love that is due to your baiauty to-night, Will at twenty per cent. cver borrow. No the music that swells when the eaith is asleep, Must enchain all the future before it ; And the jewel is never restored by the deep, Though the loveliest lips nimay implore it. You may sever the bough from the tree where it grew,' But the leaves will not altor thlir tone; And the heart that has once vowed devotion to you Shall beat at your bidding alone. Yes I vow by the brain that urns under my hair, By the buttons I wear on my boot, By the nonsense I've sting to this exquisite air, No fair else my affections will suit! A Letter to Mr. Gladstone. (Fact no AN OLD FIuEND IN THEil C NT''ruY.) III DEER ZUR,-I knowed as yer'd do it., 'ens I all;is knowed as yor had, mi deer zur, a gude hart and allas h:i tlie allieslhuns o' the sexes o' both sides in yer mind when yer il,,w up yvr libuits. And L'mI thankful zur asyer has remembered the pur who's too is tler edificashun, zur, not tu say thor salvashun. I an' mii inaie SA ., iar,, as ust to zeo you go fra the grate house aboon lere thinds our coimiiiplt niils, zur, if you will be zo gude as to receive ',I 'ios as by rdoocing the too dooty yer has given to mi matt Ki.ui, :ni me fi ii'nu or fiifte', n C'ups a week more nor we 'ad before, for whiiili lotli oii s hli most awfiu grateful to yoo, zur, as we know as yur'ad us in yvr i when yetr thought o' takin off the dooty fra too. An' both iii Sm. & ton, .iir, drinks yor health in a cup o' tha best Conger ii at, two sliilliiih and I in pence a pound which we didn't git afore umnidr lirI' & for. ('Coiisequent on the rcdoocshun, zur, we as had our t,, partly 'ere tiit night and be going' to 'ave un every other nits instead o' twice' a wirk as afore the dooty were of. Herobi, zur, yer sec as by y.r ise'iir yerr promiot's good soshal qualtis amungst tlih pur wihi 1w' a : udli thinii, zar, & much onner to yu, zur, an' mi m:at., ia l taiir, it', iaiii drinks yor health in another basin o' Congeroo at two shiliis andl nin pn'ii a pound which afor was 3 an' 4. An' mi SAL & me, zur, will ever be, Zil', years DIOAt graitfitly (alio with me), Lyme, Dorsit, May 1, 1865. MAiIRTIA Srnooo. A PHENOMENON. WVE have heard of amphibious aninirmls, of mnimaids, of freaks of nature in various shapes ; we hiavo s i i ti f ;ool d 1siis a; gntlliuian, and a gorilla in an educated condiliwi w;:h his 1 ir lii is]iud by tma- chinery. These peculiar phases of liiiii itiy (o1II si .I Overy da:ty in the streets, but the advertising cohmuas of a daily journalt add one more singular creature to the list:- B ARMAID.--WANTED, by a e uc'rrtable ounii mani, I SITIuATION is BTAR- 0 M.\ID. Good recoiuntndatonat front .istt sit.:a iu. Adlir'.,s 1'. D., 85, Victoria-road, Kentish Town, N.W. Brilliant youth A fellow who could rit down ind coolly stultify himself in this fashion must bhi a ]'" I'"' 0 wo it1i kw.vifig. SAM WVELLERI must liave known him, wIe s ,,;h l liink. \V'I shou0lI iniitel like to see the metamorphose, and wi slioiil 1' I 'il 1 ,li I N. I) if ho or' she would let us know wvhin ti'h ili., is lil''ly 1, ,ii oilfl'. llm on ght to be mummyized when in a tianisitional ittt and put in the British Museum. THIIAT IS THEll QU-STION, A CONTEMPORARY says, "It is proposed to c'tret a WATT' memorial." A WATT memorial! What, when, and where i* 88 FUN. [MAY 13, 1865. TOWN TALK. BY THE LUNCHER AT THE PUBS. --- ES, every one denounces the as- ___- sassination of LINcOLN, who -- was, after all, judging him dis- passionately, far from a bad man, though I must still affirm, terribly unfitted for the dignity of the position and the crisis. But no one ought to lament him more than the true friends of the South, for its cause, now trodden __ '9 Min the dust, is hopelessly damaged, Yr and by no act of its own. The South had everything to lose and nothing to gain by his death, and the South is too noble and chivalrous to be guilty of par- S_ ticipation in the crime. Is it out of place to try and find out to whose interest it was that the President should fall ? I think Snot. The revengeful party in *- the States, the men whose lust for blood and vengeance was only curbed by the modera- tion of LIncoLN, seem to me those who find the gain. Who can tell where the guilt lies ? I, at least, can sooner believe it was perpetrated for private ends, or the advancement of a faction in the North, than by the instigation of the South-too fine a people to descend to assassination, and too wise a people to destroy the man who was their chief, if not only, safeguard in their hour of adversity. THE Royal Academy is decidedly better this year than last, and yet last year it was exceptionally good. The excellence on this occasion is mainly due to the young men though, for the old ones do not ad- vance, and in some cases fall off. GoODALL's "Rising of the Nile" is a fine picture that we might show against the French school, even. LANDSEEs is not so strong as last year, nor is PILLIP. WAnD is a little better than usual, LEIGHTOX is splendid-his "Helen" is very lovely-and SANDYS is very strong-his "Cassandra" a glorious head. ORcnARDsoN's "Hamlet" is a clever reading, and Hoox is pleasant to the eye. SANT's children are all charming, and CRESWICK'S land- scapes delicious. BRETr's one picture is a gem, and LEADER'S two are as excellent as usual. LESLIE has made a decided stride, and PErTTI and AnRCHE are coming up. One of the most striking pictures of the year, perhaps, is POYNTER'S "Faithful unto Death." M a. MILLAIS' " Roman Soldier" is telling too-indeed he is better than usual this year. On the whole there are fewer really bad pictures and more good ones than I have seen at the Academy for many a long day. Of course A. CooPER, and HART, and LE JEUNE, and some of the old lot are as bad as they always are, but one has grown accustomed to their little failings. WHAT a crop of horrors we have had lately. LEE's surrender, the fall of Richmond, the assassination of LINCOLN, the attempt on the life of SEWARD, the attack on the Secretary of the Russian Legation, the confession of CONSTANCE KENT, and the suicide of ADMIRAL FITrzRo This is a fair catalogue of crimes and casualties for about ten days or a fortnight! But then, as a counterpoise, a consolation for the affrighted nation, comes a glorious budget, with which its deviser's worst enemies can hardly discover how to find fault. Will the University dare to quarrel with GLADSTONE at the next election ? It behoves some of the great Liberal constituencies to make us safe against the non-election of such a man. What should we do without that magnificent governing mind ? Election troubles are close at hand, and ardent M.P.'s are beginning to canvass already. There are several rumours afloat about the uncertainty of certain well-known members in their chance of appearing in the new House. BERNAL OSBORNE is to be opposed, because he is really too good a man for the silly country town, Liskeard has become since the day when it re- turned CHARLES BUTLER. The Conservatives are fighting quietly to turn out several of their dangerous opponents. Don't they wish they may F? How came the Americans who held a meeting to express their sense of the murder of the President to allow so solemn an occasion to be turned into a means of puffing the wretched little dwarfs who are exhibiting at St. James's Hall ? The names of all four, males and females, appeared in the list of important persons present. No one, of course, denies the pigmies their right to be present (though no other ladies attended), but their keepers should have been prevented from turning the occasion into capital. By the way, I observe that ALDERMAN SALnoMos, according to the Daily Telegraph list, was so very active that his name was taken down in two places at once. I suppose since he had to pay so heavily for sitting down in the House of Commons (before the Jew Bill passed), that it has cured him of sedentary habits entirely. THE most serious discontent and disorganization still prevail at the War Office, and the committee which bolstered LORD HARTINGTON into such a false position has been considerably worsted by a spirited sally of the garrison at Pall Mall. LORD DE GmEY shows his wisdom and sense of justice in going into the question dispassionately. The MAR- QUIs OF HARTINGTON is, I take it, a failure. He was thought to be a most promising young man, and when he was wedded to official duties it was believed that he had been duly qualified to be one of the best of husbands. But the promise has not been fulfilled; but then even ALCIBIADES himself might not have gained fame at the War Office. His lordship had better try some other game-American bowls, or ninepins, or-anything, in short, except the ticklish game of office. To-DAY, in glancing over the advertisement sheet of the Daily Tele- graph (and when I say that, I may as well say the whole paper at once, for it is little else), I saw an advertisement for a situation which wound up with, Address Confidence, till called for, Post-office-somewhere." " Confidence, until called for," is not an unusual article. Can this be Mt. EDMuNDS looking out for a new place ? POTTER vice COBDEN. MR. T. B. POTTER, M.P., said that he occupied the place of a great man who had lately been taken from among us."- Vide St. James's Hall Meeting of Con- dolence with America. How pleasant it is when the weather is cool, And one's heart is quite set on the thing that one's doing, To forget that, perchance, one is playing the fool, When engaged in political billing and cooing. Oh, POTTER! we really should think that you knew Something more of the world and its method of judging Than to put your small foot in a bigger man's shoe, And annoy all your neighbours by pushing and nudging. Just because you are Member for Rochdale you think That you represent CoBDEN-dear sir, you are dreaming; And you fancy with impotent nod and a wink, You'll infuse common sense to your Radical screaming. There was, once on a time, a miraculous daw, Most excessively fond of a peacock's gay feathers; And it's said that he had the rare gift of the jaw," And with these faced the world and his wife in all weathers. Now, POTTER, remember the fate of that bird; Don't borrow these plumes, which you spoil in the wearing. No Englishman ever believed all he heard, But he's got a queer habit-the habit of staring. Let ConBDEN lay still in his glorious grave, And give up your custom of PoTrrT -ing about it; It's enough that you stand where once stood the brave- We don't want to hear you eternally spout it. "Form, Riflemen, Form!" WE take so warm an interest in the welfare of the Volunteer move- ment, and have the honour of the corps so much at heart, that we have seen, with pain and surprise, the following paragraph in the columns of a would-be fashionable paper:- One ironmonger alone in Brighton has had to replace over a hundred knockers, which, perhaps, owing to the strong way the Volunteers knocked at the doors at Easter time, came off, and were put into their pockets by the innocent and astonished Volunteers." We believe this to be a wilful misstatement, perhaps considered by our silly contemporary to be rather a funny story. We trust the Volunteers will take notice of so gratuitous an insult. The writer of the paragraph is not worth a rap; but the insertion of a ring in his nose might send him to the region of Nox and Erebus, whither he ought to be sent for such a slander. MEET IT IS. WE understand that a new tenor, CARIONx by name, is about to appear at Her Majesty's. If his voice be as lusty as that of Chanticleer, we shall be glad to hear the carrion crow, and shall expect to hear the fashionable world ravin' about him. MAY 13, 1865.] F The Playbill for the Month. THEATRE ROYAL, EXETER HALL. Now open for the season. TiHE managers of this well-known place of entertainment beg to call the attention of the public to the various entertainments they have provided for their friends and patrons. In addition to the regular May ni otin.s, which have always been a source of great merriment and attraction, they have engaged the celebrated Tabernacle Olown, SPURGEON, to go through his wonderful tricks and acrobatic performances, including his celebrated hat delusion, in which he makes a common hat, previously empty, circulate through the company until filled with the current coin of the realm. The SIArFTESBUUY droll will also appear on various occasions, when he will sing his celebrated song, called Taking the chair," and also perform his celebrated break-down dance, generally known as "The prosecution." Various other celebrated May meeting performers have also boon engaged, whose names will be duly announced, and who will keep up the well-earned reputation of the Exeter Hall Theatre. N.B.-For further particulars see small bills. A Literary Goliath. THErM wore giants in those days!" is an exclamation often wrung from men of letters when they contrast the forcible writings of FiELDING, S.MOrLErr, bSTERNE, and POPE with the weak productions of the authors of the present day; and truly, if they judge from the quality of our newspipor articles, we must admit that there does appears to be a decadence in that branch of our national literature. But although we do not claim for ourselves the title of optimists, we feel no gratification in sorrowing over the days that are past," but, on the contrary, mounting our celebrated spectacles of even greater magnifying power than the pair described by Mu. SAMUEL WELLER, we look for and carefully foster talent wherever we may find it. Those who make the study of the pages of FUN a fnio-damental principle of life will doubtless remember that we have from time to time extracted gems of newspaper literature, and commented on them in these columns, and we have, through the same medium, great pleasure in informing- our readers that there are "giants in these days-real, live, veritable giants of newspaper literature, who are at present among us, and ready to battle in our behalf against oppression in high place. Do you ask us to show you a specimen ? We must confess our inability to do so, but as every effect must have a cause, so every newspaper paragraph must, par coinsquence, have an author. We quote the commencement of an article by our pet giant, Ex pedo Hereulem:- "IMPROVED RAILWAY COMMNICATION.-Woe have very great satisfaction in informing our fellow-towinimen, and all whom it may concern, that WEI have obtained for them, thioughi the courtesy and kindness of Ma. SCOTT, Traffic Manager, some most convenient additions to the present railway arrangements.". Readers of FuN, behold and tremble! Is not the author of that paragraph a giant more potent than the combined forces of Queen, Lords, and Commons, and the Fourth Estate to boot ? What a world of majesty is centred in that line- WE have obtained for them," &c. Imagine (if your powers of imagination be sufficiently vivid) an editor more influential than he of the Times, who foiled Mit. CoRDEN. in a paper warfare. With more readers than he of the Telegraph, endow him with all the graces and talents possessed by men of letters since the time of CIuAUCE, and then you may have some faint idea of this "giant of literature," who has by his pen "obtained for his townsmen some most important additions to the present railway arrangements." Yet is there work for the giant to do. He must not rest upon his laurels, and, having done so much, imagine his task completed. Lot him but obtain for us the means of communication between guard and passengers, and we will thank him still more warmly. Surely he who has wrung concessions from a railway company can accomplish this. But for what he has accomplished we are grateful, and would with pleasure publish his portrait in our pages. Will some one kindly send us his carte de visited ? IRON-Y. A CRINOLINE manufacturer suggests that as the discontinuance of steel petticoats allows the dresses of the ladies to trail for such a length on the ground, it would be only fair of them to find employment for the number of steel workers out of a job in consequence of the now fashion, by having rails laid down for their trains. THE BEST PLACE FOR A HUNGRY SAILOR TO DNE.-Off Cow(c)s. TIN. 89 CASUAL CONVERSATIONS. PICKED UP IsY OUR OWN MocciiAi)n. SMITH.-So Mit. MILL is to have an opponent for Westminster. The Conservatives have found a m'an at last. BRowse.-I wonder what he'll take for his clhneo of election. S.Mtru.--Well, the best thing he can take is himuself-olf, for his chances are uncommonly small. Bnowx.- I wonder what the Lord Chancellor thinks of the EDMUNDS scandal now. SsnrT.M-Well, I should say he must not he over sweetly disposed towards the offending Clerk of the Patents ; that is, if thlre are any more little BETHELLS to b1) provided for. BRow.N.-Yes, it must be annoying in the extremns to have the game of places spoilt. SurrI.-Woll, one thing I am glad of that ILoun llheutiAMt hla quite exonerated himself from any share in lh.s, excessively dirty transactions; not that anybody ever had any doubt upon the subject. He comes out with perfectly clean hands. BRowN.-I daro say Lot)N WVESTIIURY wishes he could say as niuch, and nobody pities him under the circuimsani'es. SaMITu.-Not a bit of it; he hlis mainag'ed to tread on too many persons' toes to get much pity, and consequinitlly every one is ready to have a fling at him. In fact the universal cry in his case will be - BttowN.-Sarve him right ! SMITH.-What a particular thrashing the Govoernmnt got on the Indian army question last week. BiRowN.-Yes; and a good thing too. The way the John tCom- pany's army has been treated all along lhas bretn sedalous. I'romises have been made to them and never fulfilled, and empty rank given instead of the solid pay they deserved. SMITr.-Sm CHARLES WOOD tried all ho know to prevent the thrashing, and he's not an antagonist to be despised. BRowN.-No ; he is a great hand at making assertions, which may or may not bo supported by facts. When tlihy are, he makes mulch of them; when they are not, hto passes them ove'r lightly, aud tries to persuade the House to do the same; and between the two hlie manages to shuffle through nine times out of ten. SMITH.-It's to be hoped that the beating was not a forerunner of worse to come at the elections. BuowN.-No fear; the statements of a Conservative reaction are like my bill for 1,000 at six months. SMITr.-How so ? Bnown.-Worth precisely the paper it is written on and no more. SPRING. BY TriHE EX-LAUREATE OF THE ]N\INOttIES. THE spring returns In field aind nutad The lambs are blithesome browsm'rs, The birds arce singing all around, The bees are deep carousers ; All nature with one voice declares 'Tis time for your spring trousers ! Delighting in the vernal charmnns, The flowers, the birds, the Ibritts are; The trees have buds on every bough, And violets at the roots are! All Nature is amazed to see lHow lovely our spring suits are! Reflected clear yon azure sky Upon the water's breast is ; In emerald green, enamelled bright With blossoms earth now dri'st is. Nature reminds the wondering world IIow beauteous our spring vest is! A LIEN ON LIONS. MA. NEwcoME, the lion tamer, having been employed by the pro- prietor of a menagerie, now claims one hindrol nild seHvwnty-two pounds for arrears of salary, and has issued a wtit aw1 o,,btairned execu- tion. As the security is, however, a den of Uivi full-grown lions, we should not be surprised to hear that the bailiff considered it anything but security, and declined to put in his own certain execution by seizing property so likely to retaliate and seize in turn. THE BEST STUDY FOR THiE FIRE BRIaADE.-Volumes of Smoke. * '-* *- \ I 1 ti~ [MAY 13, 1865. IFUN. THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE. Master Owen (home for the holidays):-"I SAY, MA, WHY is CousmN JACK LIKE PAP?" Matenfamilias :-"I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW, MY DEAR." Master 0. :-"BECAUSE HE TAKES HIS BUS(s) REG'LAR EVERY MORNING. ASK MARY !" [Great confusion of MARY and CousiN JAC.OA THE ORANGE GIRL. IN Piccadilly or the Strand, In suburb or in city ; In fact, wherever she may stand, The orange girl is pretty : But one I saw a few days since Who won my heart instanter, Cut all my feelings into mince- She beat me in a canter. It was a contest of the eyes; Hers sat neathh tawny tresses- The sort for which half Paris dies, Which Gallic swell caresses. Her lips were blooming as the rose When morning dew is on it; A pug most perfect was her nose- Her skin was worth a sonnet. But just beneath her breast there hung Her basket brimming over, Whose yellow burden should be sung From London to Cordova. The fruit lost lustre on her cheek, And made her smiles the sweeter; Egad! I'd go there every week Wore I but sure to meet her. She leaned against the dingy lamp, One brown hand touched her ear-ring; Oh, heavens! every graceless scamp, Annoyed her by his leering ! I bought an orange, heaved a sigh, And tendered her a copper; She murmured thanks, and then thought 1, 'Twere wrong to kiss and stop her! Yet why ? ah, yes, the world, that's it, Which damps each chaste emotion: My aunt, I know, would have a fit, Did I but name the notion. And so I passed her by, and thought, Such girls are worth good culture; I kissed the orange which I bought, And cursed the social vulture. The world is now quite out of tune, The notes all jar and jingle ; As Brighton on the nights of June Gives instance on its shingle. If kisses o'er the golden fruit Shock modest men and maidens, Oh! let us break the silver lute, And stop all guileless cadence. SETTLERS FOR THE SOJERS. WHY is a railway train the exact reverse of an army ?-Because it generally has the van at its rear. Why is a spirited horse going by rail also very unlike an army ?- Because it generally has a rear at its van. Morro Fro A PHYSICIAN.-For Better or Worse. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 78, 79, & 80, Fleet-street, and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet-street, E.C.-May 13, 1865. / -- OUR NEW MOTLEY. ---" E are inclined to think that long-suffering and heavily- taxed individual, the British Public, has by this time learnt to form its own estimate of the very flowery promises which, like the profuse blossom in the orchards this year, burden the prospectuses of new publica- tions now-a-days, but which too often fail to be followed by the fruits of performance, S\ or are succeeded by very small S- --. ^ pippins indeed. We should be ashamed of ourselves if- S/ after distributing orders for the Gardens of the Hesperides -we only admitted folks to view the Dead-Sea apple-trees. It is not our intention, therefore, to draw up, with the fanciful imagery of an auctioneer, a long list of great things to be done, an inventory of pledges which may not be redeemed. We refer our readers to our pages for a sample of what we can do and will do, merely stating here the principles by which we shall be guided. Our first aim will be to secure "the greatest laughter of the greatest number." Our politics will be entirely new ones ; we might almost venture to say Brand-new, except for the fact that we shall constitute ourselves "Whip" to all parties-when they deserve it. We shall avoid extreme Liberalism as well as the fervid Conservatism that has hitherto marked these pages, and shall only give our entire adhesion to the one great statesman of the day-FUN. For the rest-Fact, Fiction, Fancy, and Folly, all commence with the same initial as Fun, and we hope by a judicious blending of them to produce an F-ferveseence which our readers will appre- ciate. We shall also keep a critical eye on Art, Literature, and the Stage. With these few words we take our place in the race for public favour, relying implicitly on proverbial British fairness to give us encouragement so long as we deserve it ; and merely add that we intend our first number as a fair sample of what we hope to do. We do not mean to put so much of our strength into the start as to leave none for the rest of the course, but hope to maintain a long steady stroke like that which this year placed the Dark Blue at the head of the river in spite of the spirited spurts of her defeated but gallant opponents. Having let go the bung, we now rest our hope of success upon what we can do with our sculls. OUR OWN "POET'S CORNER." ALTHOUGH our natural modesty prevents us from following the example held out by many high-class periodicals, and advertising a long list of distinguished contributors (who don't write for the first number), we don't mind satisfying public curiosity to some extent, and, therefore, publish a couple of samples of the sort of thing that may be expected. POETS AND LINNETS. BY R 13*15tT BlR*wN*NO. WHEEnr'r there's a thistle to feed a linnet- And linnets are plenty, thistles rife- Or an acorn-cup to catch dewdrops in it, There's ample promise of further life. Now, mark how we begin it. For linnets will follow, if linnets are minded, As blows the white-feather parachute ; And ships will reel by the tempest blinded- Ay, ships, and shiploads of men to boot ! How deep whole fleets you'll find hid. And we blow the thistle-down hither and thither, Forgetful of linnets, and men, and God. The dow !-for its want an oak will wither- By the dull hoof into the dust is trod, And then who strikes the cithar ? But thistles were only for donkeys intended, And that donkeys are common enough is clear. And that drop! What a vessel it might have befriended! Does it add any flavour to GLUGAIIB'S beer Well, there's my musing ended. FUNALITY. BY THE P**T L******E. I SAID, at last the time has come When that great voice shall plainly speak- Shall bid the myriad mist-wreaths break, And strike the puny babblers dumb. As one who through the dim-eyed dawn Discerns a figure, faintly traced, Grow nearer o'er the wailing waste, As swathe on swathe is slow withdrawn, And knows not what shall be the end, Or whose the shape that darkly looms, But probes with eager glance the glooms To learn if it be foe or friend, Until at length he sees contest The man he hungered to embrace With all the dawn-fire on his face- Then runs and clasps him to his breast; So I, while many a year has run, From waxing spring to autumn's wane, While burned the sun and beat the rain, Watched for the avatar of FuN. VOL. I. A FUNX. f. IAY 20, 1865. TOWN TALK. By TH SAuNTEiRER i SOCIETY. THE EDMUNDS Committee has S-- wound up its labours with great S hclaet-I mean an eclat de rire. For when it gravely lectures the Chancellor for doing exactly what it does itself in allowing Ma. S EnDMUNDS to retain the spoils of retirement, one can hardly help attributing the virtuous indigna- tion to some less pure cause than a lofty sense of justice. The "Spelling book for Civil Ser- vants must print the story, for those who have got to two sylla- bles with amoral somehow in this wise, "MAS-TEu EnD-MUns was a ve-ry naught-y boy. He took poor old MIS-TEr BULL'S mo-ney, and so he was giv-en a pen-sion as a re-ward." It is all very well to say that this allowance will be mulcted to repay the deficit, but unfor- tunately until the author of Great .Expectations is Chancellor of the Exchequer, and "Pip's Margin is considered wise economy, we shall hardly be sufficiently educated in finance to see the exact profit and advantage of taking your money out of one pocket to put it into another, which is exactly what the British public will be expected to do by this committee of S6lons-or perhaps I should say Solan geese. It is interesting to contrast this treatment of a-well, we'll say official kleptomaniac, with the harsh measures dealt out to the young men in Pall Mall, who had a failing for chicken hazard, and only squandered their own money after all. Think of such a reward for I such misdoings, and compare it with the condition of the recently- dismissed War-office clerks, who were calmly done out of their legal claim for a quarter's salary on dismissal, for no particular reason, after many years of faithful service. I wonder what has become of them. They were going to resist, but I suppose when they stood up for their rights they were bowled over like nine-pins, or skittles, by that martinet of an Under-Secretary, LosD HAnTINcOTON. A SIMPLE and most efficacious method was adopted to squash the Reform Bill, Limited," brought forward by Mu. BAINES. On this matter the great Liberal party, despite its having nerved itself for its labours with that notorious large tea-party at WILLIS'S Rooms, is in the position of the late LORD MACAxULAY's Etruscan army- Those behind cried Forward!' And those before cried lack! " I can't help thinking though that when some of the so-calledM.P.'s go back to their constituencies they will find this slighted measure a Bill of BAINES and Penalties." Lonn ELCHo has already got into hot water about it with his people. That fine young nobleman would do better to stick to his volunteering line, as lihe is in every way fitted for the "officer and gentleman" business. He has been, in his limited time, a Conservative, a liberal Conservative and Liberal, and is now beginning over again, and these repeated alterations don't look nice. It is true that other men have done the same thing-for instance, both PEEL and GLADSTONE changed their minds. But then they had minds to change. TnaRE is a spirit of BANTING in our literature just at present. There is a mental fasting, an addiction to literary dry toast and stale bread, in vogue now, which should be curbed. Why should not we laugh and grow fat ? But the critics, some of them, object to this, and decry bur- lesque as if it were new bread buttered on both sides. Let those gentle- men just drop in for half an hour at the Prince of Wales's Theatre (which, by the way, is tastefully decorated-quite a btion), and if their intellectual waistcoats don't want letting out after that, I pity them. La Sonnamblda is one of the cleverest burlesques we remember to have sooeen-and we have seen those vaunted extravaganzas, now quoted to depreciate the talent of this day, but just as warmly depre- ciated in their own time. As for the acting, even a laudator temporis acti-which I suppose means a good-tempered theatrical critic-is not needed to speak of that, when MAnIE WVILTOX takes the stage as clever and charming as ever. WHAT is the truth of this rumour about the 11tencwnm ? It is alleged (and denied with equal force) that it is in the market. Anyhow it isn't sold, and I don't wonder at it. A literary journal which has come to such a pass as to have its unfavorable notices regularly quoted as indications of the real merit of the books it condemns is in a poor state, and I doubt if all the pilgrimages ever undertaken to the Holy Land can restore its prestige. FROM OUR STALL. Miss BATEMAI has made her appearance in a third character, Bianca, in DEAN MaILMAN'S sparkling tragedy, Fazio. With every disposition to deal gently with a very charming young lady, it is im- possible to say that Miss BATEMAN'S appearance in this. lively little piece is at all calculated to advance her professional reputation. It is really time that the truth were spoken about this young lady; she is not, and, as far as we can form an opinion, never will be a great actress. She has beauty, grace, and dignity, and when you have said that you have said all. Her calmer scenes are cold and unimpassioned, and her ebullitions of jealousy or anger are simply the demoniacal ravings of a female fiend. Even the audience on Monday last began to see this, for there was no symptom of a "call" before the end of the third act. It is only fair to Miss BATEMAN to state that that dismal actor M JoDANA was playing in the same piece, and it is impossible to say how much his depressing presence may have told upon the animal spirits of the audience. The excessively disagreeable part of Aldebella was played with great care and judgment by Mas. BILLINGTON. When we say that the piece was put upon the stage as all Adelphi pieces are, it will be understood that the audience saw more flies," grooves," dead wall, dirty scenery, and unsatisfactory "supers" than they would at any theatre in Whitechapel. We will qualify our condemnation. Let the playgoer wait outside until the third act approaches its close, and then let him enter the theatre and witness the scene between Bianca and that unfortunate silent senator whom she collars, cries over, and abuses. This gentleman's demeanour under these trying circumstances is a thing to be witnessed and to be remembered. Having seen this the playgoer cannot do better than turn into EvAxs's without delay, or the curtain will rise on the fourth act. A pleasant little drama, by MR. PALGRAVE SIMPSON, was produced at the Prince of Wales's Theatre on Wednesday. -A Fair Pretender is based upon the story of the loves of Will Seymour and Lady Arabella Stuart, and explains how one Susanna Spritt (Miss MAnIE WILTro) connived at their escape from the fortress in which the un- fortunate lady was imprisoned. The jealousy excited in the bosom of a certain soldier, one Gideon Gubbins, by Susanna's constant meetings with Will Seymour, who, in the disguise of a pedlar and subsequently of a soldier, is present in the fortress to assist his wife in effecting her escape, is the exciting cause of the greater portion of the laughter which decided the success of the piece. It is utterly impossible to , speak too highly of Miss MARIE WILTON'S performance in the part of Susanna. In every class of character undertaken by this young lady, from Juliet to Pippo, and that a tolerably extensive range, she is equally charming. By the bye, MI. LEIGH MuiRAY is about to take a complimentary benefit at Drury Lane. This admirable actor has for months past been confined to his room, and we are sure that it is only necessary to mention this fact to send crowds of sympathizers into the theatre on that occasion. NEW MUSIC. DEAR FuN,-Don't you anxiously overhaul all the new ballad music as fast as it is published, and get all the words by heart ? I do. Some- times you don't want to read the ballad to know what it's about, because it speaks for itself, as, for instance, in the subjoined case, which I clip from the Illustrated London News :- ]{ISS C. M. E. OLIVER'S New Song, "Ladybird, ladybird, fly upon me!" Price, 2s. 6d. ASHDOWN AND PARRY, 18, Hanover-square. Now, all that can be said about a ladybird flying upon you, can be said in sixteen lines, and hero they are:- TO A LADYBIRD. LADYBIRD, ladybird, fly upon me, Although it is whispered, it's true, That when you're matured you begin with a B, And the letter that follows is U. You won't find a poet your praises to sing, When you happen to end with a G; But in the meantime you're a beautiful thing, So, ladybird, fly upon me ! Ladybird, ladybird, fly upon me, And do me the favour to sip The delicate nectar you happen to see On the bud of my roseate lip. If, when you're developed, you happen to cling To my drapery, squashed you will be; But in the meantime you're a beautiful thing, So, ladybird, fly upon me ! There! Oh, it's beautiful! Ta! ta! Thine, K TsnGe. 2 TIE MAY 20, 1865.] F the bye, I wonder what has become Iof my wife and f'miil,. W11'li 1 THE TWO AGEq. left hoeli for till (Crystl P1ah l' in lthe t'year 1S.: I politivIl v d,,larlcd I.^-~ -that I should 1we bck in lthre-(quiilcrs of ;Iln hour. I'erlailps ait this r "-.-- .-'-- '.?-ROLKS were as happy as days Ioment tlhey are wa\iini' dinner for illn. __ .-.-I"'-- 8-"'" .r l T "Sth Junie.--To-day'I bICwn the telescope, and enollyed tl(: ni- SIn those old Arcadian times, nifying ]1ns Ier'y muchl. It reinided me of : jiujuib it.A I oIel, clt, ',Whe, a ,' t .n Life seemed only- a dance but was a good deal more nourishing'. This afierinon I riad. Co thi. I -.- Tand song first time, ait book called C/iiib. (*,',oe, the only work of ioI rIn the sweetest of all sweet brought up with inc. How singular that I should have for.gotten t climes. until now ! l ,i' L Our earth grows bigger; and. 16th June.-A violent shock aroused me soon after dilybrek'l I ...S *'-, !' h: ,, ;Astgeo lby stage, discovered to my great alarm that the balloon had run agrond on a .As th pitiless years have cloud of immense extent and solidity. Seeing that hlilre was no '", W ave q ,1rgerolled, chance of gettingher off again, 1 resolved to jumnp out and explore the e have quite forgotten the stage region into which fortune had cat ilt,. Thlier was not a tee -. G'.'olden Ago, to be seen, nor could I findanv signs of i al II... ,'Howeve'r, f-, ^-" t And cometo the Age of Gold. I had not gone for when I beld so011me glittering object in >my patlh, ---Sg.They spent their day -, a 'and on examination it proved to be a very handisomii gold lioh, oIf sheepish way a manufacture utterly unlike any that I liad seen before. \Vhile I was I' "- ... Upon Thessaly's plains of meditating on this singular discovery, 1 heard a voicLe nbov me, d iore\ I'-.l-, ,,, |a on looking up I beheld a nmclhine, res1 killing ai largr 1ell, ildes.,lendingi I th\ ----7 yore; |nh'urfloc rapidly. As soon as it touched the ground a door was ope1lvd, and i i iIni i In the nineteenth century flocks blackn) i itl iir lI iiicil I ," <.'. L t ." en m tat playk manof commanding, stature issued fromi it. Iis first, words u r sa*,inll'''" a p En mean mu tton-and nothing were, Golly, golly, you dam white nigggcr, just you gi dis clild dat ore watch 'I obeyed, and Ins laiineTr iluiediately lichanged into oir Our swains at present are much to e of extrele civility. In answer to mli Iuestions lit, inlforied inl, thlt Our swains at pren aree lie was Ins sector Friday, I f ti1 Gcorgium Sidunis police. A gniat To tlhe as en h led of hAge robbery, he said, had been i conlilitted at a jewellr's in 1 lit, lnit, a1, So they couple the crook of the Golden Age from information received, lie hd disLIcnd'Ldin a. diving-lell rto cr ith a hoo in the Ag of Gld. one of the issin watches whih had een thrown ovr r From CoRyno.N's reed the mountains round the burglars. Luckily the cloud had stopped thl vlnaliui arlii.e in Hal news of his latest flame ; its descent. I asked the inspector wOithber be could takil m bal.ock And TITYRUS made the woods resound with him, and hie readily consented. This afternoonl we are ilo :,sclnd, With echoes of DAPHNE's name. therefore I think it 1111necessary to proiloig this diary, si(ne my abrial They have left one musical heritage- adventures have reached a conclusion, tand shall now settle down in A gift of a god, we're told- an entirely now world. And the Pandean pipe of the Golden Age P.S.-I trust that the fragment I am about to drop into space may Brings FuN to the Age of Gold. kill nobody and instruct everybody upon earth." Dwellers in huts or in marble halls, From shepherdess up to queen, Cared little for bonnets and less for shawls, And nothing for crinoline. At present Simplicity's not the rage, And it's funny how scant and cold The costume worn in the Golden Ago Appears to the Age of Gold. Electric telegraphs, printing, gas, Tobacco, balloons and steam, Are some of the things that have come to pass THE THUNDERSTORM. THE fine old "liner" is -1 "1 0: out. Ie' is dying bard, 1llt still 11l is dying. lie fights as ha:l I ,1 the line, old crusted itnolitio.s of the, press as does a popular tragedian for the line old live-net l,raditions olf' the stage. iut it won't do. I'oo]ish and .hulckle-h,,hiiId ;i thl, British public is, it is ',, :.,,,, lo se, through both of thwm, and lthu liner and the tragedian nmuist ldie thile denthli. When a liner introducs fthle subject of a thunderstorm in tlie fol- lowing words, it will be seen that the days of his craft are nulLanbered : Since the days of that old re/ime. Tinu THUNDERO.izirM.-WIV:IMnori, Tuesdaiy.--On of the nmo(t terrific ihindier- Yes, Men of the Time beat LEMPRIEEn's pago, stormn. it is believed, that lhavL o Ired d llilrinl tiw lifeL Lt' lly i c".'oll IL n-idiL And better a thousand-fold he'', Iu''"'t over thi l town id nIL JIghbLrhoodlL this mlIorling aILblit h ll IL on Than a century spent in the Golden Age Is a day in the Age of Gold. During the lifetime of any person residing here! Poor o(ld.s inhabitant To what a peiriphrlsis hnve' you hbrn subjiief.,d I! lint observe the improvement, observe the increased drinmtlic power ob- tained by this apparently roundalbout way of putting it. When an DIARY OF AN AERONAUT. event is said to llave been un pr, ece, lied in thll mn1eiry of thl ol ,st inhabitant," the hinplicition is that sore one Iho:ry-h'Ided p]aitriarclh [THE following fragment was picked up a few days ago on the to whom the residents in thil town or village look 111up as their oldest summit of Primrose-hill, the highest mountain in the metropolis. The fll]]ow-townsnilall, lils Iel.n ri'lei.rrd t, and (lbinig prolbaily in his intrepid adventurer to whom we owe its discovery has reasons for dotage) haas been illnble to recollect anything like tih fire, or tlle wishing his name and address kept a profound secret.] thunderstorm, or tilhe overflow, or thCi railway accid(nti, or tile ,lorinlons st April, 1965.-It is now exactly one hundred years-calculating gooseberry, which is exciting tile mind of the local liner for thill! time by the notches on this gold-mounted walking-stick-since our snug being. But when a tllhunderstormn is described :s being tlie most little craft ascended from the Crystal Palace, for the purpose of carrying "terrific" (liner, I tank thee for that word) that bias oceiirr'd provisions to the distressed operatives in n arinm Sidus. Since I during thle lif-'time olf iany per.-'on rPsidinI li re," you (escape from flie dropped my "Poor Richard's Almanack," I. Ih t 1I down into New narrow limits of the town or vilagi,', ind embrace the whole world in Zealand some years ago, and probably beat out the brains of some the scope of your inquiries. Youe t,],e the iexpeilicisI of a.ll your bald Maori, these notches form the only method by which I can fellow-townsmen, experience glltheired not only in Wieymvuith (or compute the lapse of time. I am forced to make them with my teeth, wherever the thui(ldclstorm'I moay have been), lut frfom wev'ry part of my only penknife having been stolen by a dishonest eagle who bor- the habitable globe, and then you say thliat the \'eyniouth thlinider- rowed it to cut a point to his beak with. Alas! birds are not much storm bangs them all. better than men and women after all. ]ilt our author lihas not lost all his traditions. The word "terrific " 15th May.-I begin to feel hungry. Nothing has passed these (as applied to a tliidilrsionii, and to notlhinig else in nature) still lips since I finished the last remains of COXWELL. Poor COXWELL.! 11e holds with hirm, aind our old friends the flectrie 11lid" and was very nice. I miss him already, but starvation stared me in the elc.etrioal commotion in tilhe alnosphlere" find a phel;i in his record face;, what could I do ? At present there is nothing on board worth of the Weymouith storii. Ilut a ll a diripliiol of a lire which re- eating, except a telescope and a broken thermometer. suited from the elec rie fluid strikiin4g the chliliiney of a hosee" no 1st June.-I am in better spirits, but still hungry. In the place I mention is made of the devouring chmoent," anil we do not hear come from-I think they call it London-this is known as the glorious Iwhether or not their s"uiilIrer was insured." We hope his fraternity 1st of June.' I continue to take a feeble interest in earthly affairs. By I will take the matter up. FUN. [MAY 20, 1865 TAXATION AND CIVILIZATION. SCENE.-Somerset Sfouse. Member of the Moral Force (to Cabby who has been severely handled by the Inland Revmene) :-" Too HEAVY ? TAXES A MAN WELL HE RETURNS TO THE 7NTOOTERED SAVAGE!" O, NONSENSE UNLESS WE MY. PHOTOGRAPH ALBUM. No. I.-THE MAN WITH A GOOD HEART." THIS is one of the dearest friends I have in the world, and his name is PEREGRINE POPPYTOP. If I were stricken down this very afternoon by the most lingering and painful of maladies-whichever that may be-I should find PEREGRINE sitting beside my bed of pain very early to-morrow morn- ing, smoothing my feverish bolster with his own hands, and with his own hands offering me the most nauseous of medicines. If I were driven by madness, liquor, or natural corruptness of heart to commit the most hideous and sanguinary of crimes-whichever that may be- PEREGRINE would go through fire and water to spare me the shame and agony of the fatal tree, either by conveying prussic acid into my dungeon, or by appearing on the outskirts of the mob mounted on a foaming charger, and waving an immense reprieve, just as KETCH was beginning to fumble about my neck. If any testimony beyond my own is necessary to establish the good- ness of PorPYTor's character, let me give it in the last words of a dialogue I overheard last night between, say, BRowsN and JONES :- "But you must acknowledge that PorrPPYTOP is awfully--" "Well, yes, I confess he is a frightful-" "Of course, and so tremendously- " "But, after all, the poor fellow has--" "Has what ? " "Why, a good heart.!" PEREGRINE calls himself, modestly enough, a man of letters. Those who best know him, and have oftenest heard him talk, call him a "man of words." He has the reputation of having said more and meant less than any conversationalist of the present century, which is no slight praise, considering that PoPPYTOP is still in the flower of his youth. He has served in his time as a chopping-block for much amiable satire; and a wag of our acquaintance once told him, in a fine spirit of antithesis, that he was not only dull himself, but the cause of wit in others. Another asked him, with deep interest, what he did for a change when he grew tired of being stupid-a remark which was friendly enough, but illogical, for nobody ever gets tired of tiring other people, and the being who is sent into this universe to bore his fellow-creatures never feels happier than while pursuing his hideous destiny. PoPPYTOP is the only talker of our acquaintance who contrives to extract dulness from the most interesting materials. Try him upon the death of a rich uncle or the settlement of a tailor's bill, and you find him ditch-water all over. Yet the heart of PEREGRINE POPPY- TOP is as much above suspicion as CaESAR'S wife. His literary character is entirely destroyed by the goodness of his disposition; for no pub- lisher, no editor, no manager has ever been known to listen to an author with a good heart. In short, PEREGRINE POPPYTOP is a living and breathing warning to inconsiderate people against destroying the reputation of a literary man by any ill-timed allusion to the goodness of his heart. No, A-Pence PRINCE NAPOLEON has ordered a Glasgow firm to erect a largo deer- fence round his grounds at Meudon. For Scotchmen to teach the art of fence to a Frenchman is certainly a most unexpected feat of arms; but no doubt the canny Scots felt themselves at home, for in the large grounds of Meudon they must have found the broad-sward-and the clay-more(over). 4 F J UN.-MAY 20, 1865. A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. Erin:.-" W'UD YER R'Y'L HOIGHNESS TAKE THE FLURE?" MAY 20, 1865.] V U IN . better employed than a-idling away your time heree" I says, MRS. BROWN AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. "Offensive! if you come to tlat yen' re noe so are,.:tlie," and I walks off in a hull'. Well," I says, "* 31us. SlMIONs, I don't tlinik WELL, they may call it a academy if they likes, but it is no more much of these picters; give me wax-work as is Ilmore natural." Shel like Mu. SPANKERS as I used to wash for as had a blue board and gold says, O, I wants to s.e the P1uxCl or WacIi:," so we goes to where letters in the Bow-road than nothing, and as for me going it was only lie was a-'n'in'." ; nd I never did--not a bit likeI the beaiuti ful young thro' Miis. SLanoes a-wishing to consult one of them West-end gentleman .. l. i velvet ant whiskers as was being married, but a doctors about her throat, and feeling nervous says, "Would you mind poor sick thing, as says to wis. SIMts, I he was a child of for to accompany me, Mas. BRow', now ?" So I says as I would pooin, asss'milk thingwould be the word with me." IThen there was hor ses with pleasure thro' her being far from strong, and her own mother and dogs all over the place, and pitoers of ladies and gentlemti as being gone to nurse another daughter as is married out at Rother- wore frill and velvets, with their boots a-shining like anything, and hithe. So we went in a cab as was th'. Iri... ver I got into, there was bishops as looked as the' in pain, pertikler oiie' as they call with both windows up, thro' iMus. i'Li.' .. as a draught the BISHOP OF LONDON, as will lie apoplexy vcry shortly if hie will might have laid hold on. When we gets to the doctor's, and was wear that stock, and there was another bisiop as 1 tok flor a ml'y, showed into a elegant room as had picters round about as seemed to thro' having of a red gownd and no erintolin', with clean iiiiisliii speak like, one gent had a eye like a hawk as seemed to foller you sleeves. And we miet a lady as was very friendly, and ,knowed all all over the room. I couldn't a-set in that room alone with that pictor about the pieters and them as pointed 'ens. 1 sayis, ll' Is cry tiring," was it ever so, and was glad when the gentleman as let us in as I took I says, "to the evo to have to look up. \hy ever d,o th,' y hnN, up, for the doctor, and began a-telling about M1as. St.mioNs, as checked me- there ? "D sl,'she says, "thin pi'ters isn't '('ademieiaiis.'' Oh," too rude, but never mind, and certainly I never see such kindness as that I says, "Isuppose dono by the d:iy boys?" Shel oiily laughs and doctor, never, the' I was surprised as he should a-took me for Mlts. says as There is a many as tries all their lives to gelt hung and SIMMONs's mother, as must be sixty if she's a day. It give me a can't." I says, You nrty well say that; but," I s:ivs, "tliy dreadful turn when I see that doctor a-ramming of drum-sticks, as I hardly ever hangs any one now-a-days." Well, we s It down, we should call 'em, down Mas. SsamoNs's throat, and am certain as would talked quite pleasant, for myn) feet wa that shooting: liltke join have choked me, as couldn't even bear a herring-bone as was near my daggers, and I really felt quite of a whirl, and was that sorry as I death. But it did wonders, for, law! she spoke quite clear. So I lhan't no refreshments with me, for picters is dry work, and then says, "If ever my throat is bad ho's the man as I'll go to, and that ia Sin oNs got in a ,dget to be getting home, sr wr, hiain't liberal as wouldn't tako her money," and away we goes. So we walks time for to study them like, but see on'. as give me iiuit,' ta turn. on slow, for I says, Mus. SiMnoX's, mmn," I says, Cabs is cabs, hlas. Ssioimaxs said as it was a sacred one, but I should say it was tlie old and runs into money;" so I says, "I don't see why a omblibus _. with a pair of yellowhorns a-iranching out eachi side; so shouldn't do." So she was ,.1 1. and we wanders on, and took a j was a-pointing 'ei outtio Aiis. Scinroxs when ip coinl' ,ack-in-ollict bun, as is choking work if i it. l... been for a glass of ale, and I of a policeman i and says, If I see you do it again you'll have to ste it." must say them West-end streets is wide and shady; and when we i" Step what ?" 1 says. Why," says he, I've begun a-watching you a come near Charing-cross I see parties going up some steps, so I says poking and a-pointing all the way round the room." WeIl, iist to the policeman, "Whatever is a... .a here ?" "Oh," he says, then a lady hollars out, "Oh, I'm robbed! It give me su'h it turn. "it's the, Royal 'Cademy!" "Ol. I .-- "indeed! What, where," She says, "My portimoney is gone, and this old woman's b'ien a- I says, "the young princes goes to school, I presumes ?" Well, he following me everywhere." 1 ll .....ht 1 1,..uld have dropped, for the seemed to smile, and says, "No, as it were all pictors." "What!" policeman takes hold of me, ai.l p ...r M, 81iMtON slie was raldy I says, Royal pictors ?" "Yes," says ho. Oh, indeed!" I says. to faint, and there was such confusion, and they was a-talking of " Well," I says, "can any one go in ? "" Yes," he says, any one searching me, and I don't know what, when all of ai sudden the pi rty as pays a shilling." Well," I says, "that ain't much for to seo the as said she was robbed dollars out, "No, J'vo got it." W\ell," I Royal picters, as must be awful grand." So Mus. Si. ntioss and me says, you did ought to be atshuamed of yourself ;" I says, I won't agrees to go up, and there was sentries a-standing guard, so we pays stop in such a dell of wagalbones. It's my opinion as you 'looks the money and goes in; not as I hold with my umbrella being tookmore like a thief than a hlrste yourself, mii," 'nd so I bounIid away, and there's more stairs outside and in than I cares for; but ccr- outof the place, and, bless ye, if 1 hadn't been and droppiled thlie ficket tainlythe picters was lovelywith their gold frames a-gleaming, as the for my umbrella, and they wouldn't give it mei, as in iy opinion isi saying is. Why," I says, "they must bl worth millions. No doubt all part of their swindling ways ; and when we got ouutwE w.i: bliotli that's the reason they has soldiers to guard them." iMas. S.IMtoNS that faint as we couldn't move a step, so was compelled to ]li:'ve a h' b nu"lfft a book all about 'em as she would have read to me, only cab home, and all I.'ve got to say it's my belief as that '( ,.uai'iy is .. l j.' a-shoving and a-driving, and me not having my glasses a humbug altogether, and Ilin suro they don't lJearn ino illlrItorSi [litre, couldn't read for myself. I suppose as there ain't no one but ladies and as to their pictors I'd rather see 'emi quiet in the lustrous papers and gentlemen as goes to them picters, but of all the schTine"- nd as I can enjoy in my own house. driving sets as ever I came a-near they beat 'em. I says, tn i . are you a-coming to ?" We wants to see the Royal pieters," says a young gal. So do I," I says ; so wherever is the use of driving any one in the back like that;" and certainly that Royal pieter was A MODEL ADVERTISEMENT. lovely, for all the world exactly like the waxwork as I see at the E are happy to give a kind word to rising talent, and have much BAKEt's bazaar, as is regular life all but breathing. Well, this pleasure unhappy to galli a tension to very neat tin i talent, ad advertising "Royal Marriage" is very near as handsome, the' it don't look so line to be found in the Tin s of Tuesday, the th :- grand thro' being small. Mlias. SIorlMs says to me, "In my opinion the QUEEN didn't ought to have gone like that." I says, "Where- P OOst wrinted by two ',0untlmtn i niile iit of tw t--otw ,aill ever is the QUEEN ? Why," says she, the widder lady iup in thlie Itil' ii bedrooms a ni y ie ]n- it, tie '. ,i ac B.iiir-lti. i, ixi th,. ,i''t itl window." Go li..,. I says. Why she ain't got no crown on." groilut itoor. The atceniil'ice ii-it bI ciirfict, and]< l"ii roctins l '-ri irvti mu0:t "'No," she says, t', ,r her way, she always is in weeds." Al h!" b' scriupulously clean and nl,'.t. lRgutilr lodginig-holiMi keelpl.s with wr itlhl I says, some does go on like that. I'm sure if anything was to ni' iu' itl overworkel 1staits alvys dirty are politely requested not to 'appen to uBnoN-, weeds would be my constant potion; not as I holds with weeds at a wedding; that's the reason, p'raps, as she have put Although this is a decided improvement in the literature of adlvr- on that bit a blue for to take off the black." Oh!" says a young tisoment (which is rapidly becoming the literature of tlihe day) it is chap as was a-standing there, "that's the garter." I says, "Young not exactly what it desires, "the attendance" to lbe-porfect. 'IThere is man," I says, "however dare you mention such a thing afore a vagueness as to tihe locality in which the lodgings a re rquiri'd, and ladies? You did ought to be ashamed of yourself." But he a looseness of statoimont as to the whereabouts of thlie bdroomi, which only giggled like a jackass, as I see he was. Well, I was a-standing i might lead to awkward consequences. What would the two getle- looking at the pictor, the' I'd seen one just like it all but the men say if the two bedrooms were in tlie moon or in thie itddlet of colours afore in the 'Lustrous lelileny P'apcr as we takes in. I next week, or in posse? Perhaps their gentlienuin would not object to says to Muis. Simanoxs, "Did ever you see such 'caps of parsons? lBuckingham Palace or Stafford House ? One would think it was a misshncry meeting. I says, "They can't 'ave much to do." Well, a stout party as was standing near says to one of them very parsons, "As shle couldn't see nothing EPIGRAM. cos of this fat old woman as has been sticking here all the morning." 13, Ax O ACIELOIR. I says, Who are you a calling fat ? I'm sure you'd better look at home for fat." So the parson he says, My good woman, don't be iMoST contradictory, past doubt, offensive." I says, Offensive!" I say, I scorns your words;" and 'hie sex, through thick and thin I says, As to sticking, I shall stick here as long as I please ; and I For now, thoughli crin.olines go out, think if you was at home a-preaching of your sermonn s you'd be The skirts are coming in. F ,-.r UN. A SPECU LATIO:N. SYoung Rothschild (of the Shoe-black Brigade):-" BOOTS, SI m? SHINE 'EM UP, SmIR ? (Con spirito) I'LL DO IT FOR THE DIRT OFF 'EM " [MAY 20, 1865. AN ALLEGORY, WRITTEN IN DEEP DEJECTION. ONCE, in the gardens of delight, I plucked the fairest, fullest rose; But (while I priest its petals tight Against the threshold of my nose) That loathsome centipede, Remorse, Invaded with a stealthy tread My nasal organ, and of course Soon reached the middle of my head. That hideous tenant crawls and creeps About the chambers of my brain, He never pauses-never sleeps- Nor thinks of coming out again. The rustling of his hundred feet Is gentler than the autumn breeze; But I dislike to feel him eat My cerebellum by degrees. With snuff, tobacco, Preston salts, Garlick and other potent smells, I strive to fumigate the vaults In which the devastator dwells. I pull my hair out by the root- I dash my head against the door- It only makes the hateful brute A trifle noisier than before. Then tell me not that Joy's bright flower Upon this cankered heart may bloom, Like toadstools on a time-worn tower, Or dandelions on a tomb. I mourn departed Hope in vain, For briny tears may naught avail; You cannot catch that bird again By dropping salt upon its tail! "GEE-ROOSALEM! " WE are quite sure that nobody will be able to read MA. HEPWORTH DrxoN's new book without feeling a strong wish to see that gentleman continue his researches in Palestine. His description of Jerusalem is perfect; and oh! if he would only go to Jericho ! PRINCESS CINDERELLA. (THE END or THE SToRY.) So the amiable CINDERELLA was married with due ceremony to the young Prince who had fallen in love with her glass slippers. The wedding breakfast was a "blaze of triumph" (as the playbills have it), and the bridegroom returned thanks in a speech that everybody thought lovely, when they proposed his health with musical honours. The happy pair then drove off for the vale of Cashmere, where they intended, passing the honeymoon. It was growing dark when they pulled up at the foot of Mount Caucasus to change horses. The Prince was asleep and snoring, so CINDERELLA was left to her own reflections. She already began to repent of the ingratitude she had shown in not inviting her fairy god- mother to the wedding. True, the poor old soul was horribly ugly, and her grammar was not what it might have been; but she had behaved very well to CINDERELLA. Moreover, the Princess felt a little frightened; for those fairies can be awfully vindictive when they think themselves slighted, as every schoolboy knows. These fancies brought on a severe attack of nerves; and, when the carriage drew up in front of the Grand Hotel at Cashmere, the Prince awoke to find his fair companion in a very sulky temper. The bride herself, when she alighted, was horror-struck at perceiving a peculiar sensation in the little too of her right foot. Could it be possible that one of her slippers was, after all, too tight for her ? Could it be possible that her horrid, spiteful, old fairy godmother-but the mere thought of such a thing put her in a worse temper than before. Three days later the Princess CINDERELLA had a corn, and under this affliction she made no attempt to conceal her ill-humour. The Prince grow alarmed at such a change in a character formerly so amiable. He could scarcely believe that this was the charming creature who had waltzed so beautifully at that memorable court- ball. - The corn grew and grew. At the end of the honeymoon CINDERELLA was no longer able to wear her pretty glass slippers, but had to shuffle about the house in a pair of list ones, much too big for her. She had been forced to confess everything to the Prince, who now began to treat her with marked coolness. On her return home CINDERELLA found her two sisters comfortably married and settled-a fact which she scarcely welcomed in the sisterly way that might have been expected ; in fact, her envy grew beyond bounds when she saw the affectionate manner in which the two ladies were treated by their husbands. She did all in her power to annoy them, and they never by any chance dared to show themselves at Court. The dear old Baron began to get very shaky in health, and had been unlucky in mining speculations; but CINDERELLA returned his begging letters unopened, and the poor gentleman would have been driven into the workhouse had it not been for the filial devotion of his two other daughters. Still the corn grew and grew, until no chiropodist in the world could make anything of it; and even the great EISENBERG-who brought testimonials from PRESTER JOHN and the Caliph HAROUN-AL-RASCHID -mildly but firmly refused to operate. The Princess, driven almost wild by the agony she endured, fell gradually into habits of intem- perance ; and her husband-a strict teetotaller-was at length forced to take legal proceedings in order to rid himself of a partner whose habits and disposition were insupportable. A separation was the result of the trial; and CINDERELLA, driven from the palace during a fit of intemperance, was only rescued from abject misery by the father whom she had treated so basely. The unhappy Princess dragged on a few years of misery, supported by her forgiving sisters, and expired suddenly one morning while raising to her lips a bottle of the most pernicious and destructive stimulant. Her history teaches us that glass slippers form no certain foundation for happiness, and that ingratitude is the most unpardon- able of all vices-excepting, perhaps, insobriety. F TU TN_. Sensation Dramas for the Back Drawing-Room. THE MESOPOTAMIAN MILKMAN; OR, Lawks a Dairy Me e! AN ORIGINAL DRAMA. For characters see small bills, left with the Treasurer. [The scene is laid in the mountains of Aiesopotamia. Central /Af'rica, sup- ported by CAPTAIN RICHARD BURTON and Involuntary Coentribiuions, is seen pining in the distance. The begin, the yuii-guin, the gem- arabic, and the gum-boil are dispersed about the stage, casdifowers recline s C.., and the Gulf of Finland is beheld struggling out of sight opposite Prompt. As the curtain rises the gentleman on the cornet is dis- covered to be absent. Some hours are spent (lavishly) in trying to dis- cover his whereabouts, and though he is found himself, his whereabouts still remain a mystery throughout the drama. Slow music takes the curtain up, but nobody supporting the charge it is let of. So is a piece of ordnance.] Opening Chorus of Invisible Spirits. We one horse fly by night, We one horse fly by night, 'Midst troops of spirits. And so on had infine-night 'urn. IST SPIRIT.-Speak, sister, speak, is the deed dun ? 2ND SPnIRIT.-No, 'tis yellow. IST SImRIT.-Oh, of course; sufficient. (Thicy 'anish.) ( B. 7This is for the presentatsomoewha ague, but the sequel will explain.) Enter from palace (somewhere about or .somewhere else) a K xAN oir So METHINGs (o) other), or say both. KirAx.-I am alone! In fact, I have noticed that when nobody else is by, I generally am. Enter the PRINCEss with her temper up and her hair dowin. PRINCEss.-Pa, I have now arrived at a time of life when-it is -necessary I should choose a husband. KHXA.-HA. umph! SPRINCESS.-Nay, do not attempt to silence me with your well-known eloquence. KANx.-Rash girl, forbear. You cannot marry. PRINCESS.-Insodeed! And why, pray? I am of age. KnIAN.-Rather. PRINCEss.-Not rather-quite. KnAx.-More. PRINCESS.-Then explain. KuAN.-'Tis lost! PRINCEaSS.-What ? K xAN.-It. PRINCEss.-Father, you are confusing. KuAN.-The wedding-ring.' PRINCESs.-Ha! ha ! (Starts, but almost immediately returns.) PRINCESS.-I see it all. KHAN.-I don't see any of it. It's gone ! PRINCEss.-My royal mother's ? KuIAN.-She had it on her finger-she turned for a moment, and when she turned back again it was gone ! PRINCESS.-Awkward! KniN.-Without that wedding-ring your legitimacy cannot be proved, and, in consequence, you cannot succeed! PRINCEss (heroically).-Then I'll fail! KAtN (drops a tear C.).-Even that would not suffice to satisfy the public. PRINCEss.-Then I'll give up all hopes of becoming queen, and marry-- KHIAN.-The Mesopotamian Milkman! Girl, would you see me a blighted nightmare at your feet ? PRINCEss.-Certainly not. But he loves me. KHAN.-A milkman marry the daughter of a Khan! Where did you meet him ? PRINcEss.-On the steppes. He is poor, but honest. K-AN .-His milk is poor also. But, hush! your royal mother is here. SEnter a ROYAL MOTHER. ROYAL MOTnER.-Why did I ever sec the light of day ? (Royal Mother raves, then goes on, after that flics out, and finally exit, overcome with emotion. .2.B.-T-is gives a thoughtful performer a rare opportunity for delicate, manipulative management of whatyoucallem eftcts, and thingembob shades of et catera. The author reconunends a finish wig', and -if the actress can manage to partray the raryin; j/iases of the character without being seen by the audience, sw mush i/e PIuNcEss.-Put him to the test I KuAN.-I will. He is here. ([rhusic from the comic ballet of Hannibal and Amilker, composed by the author of 3i/ilky White and Urca#norne Gardens; or, Harleqt in Chalk Farm, and Rosbbin' a .Dairy. The Mesopotamian Milkman enters writh his pails, and does a pus de doo, or swindling damce, areompanying hni- asef armn in arm.) MESOPOT. _M.-The afternoon's milk. Shall I put it down ? KiuAL.-Do so, for I cannot pay. MESOPOT. M.-Tyrant! You mistook my meaning. 1 meant, should I leave it. 1KnuAN.-Look hero, you know. Don't call me a tyrant, bhcauseo I don't like it. MEsoPOT. M.--Well, you a'r a tyrant; also a despot. K rAN.-TWho said I wasn't? MESOPOT. M.-1 didn't. Ku1 x (ii la Box).-Very well, then. lMESOPOT. 11. ( la NCO.r).--Vcry wVll, hlc01. PlINCESS ((Ct la nobody/ in paitifcu/ha).- in'em;Hon/y well, lien. )IESOe'OT. K.-Beauntoos oner ! K]AxN.-I asm beauteous; but that's neither hero nor tlir'c. P)ICNCESS.-W-hVIero is it, then ? KIIAN.-Just so. It's lost! M3ESOPOT. KI-What's lost ? K]AN.--The ring. MaESOPOT. 1t. ((t/er rejiect/iny devp//f).-Talke a drop of milk ? KuAx.-a-Rlther not. MESOP'OT. L.-Do. (The M.esopotamian Milkiman )otrs the 1Khan a nmi/nl of mni/l out no' his j)ail. TIremulous mnsic. The Prin'es.o lool-s asa/. Ince, thr i a/slaj nd/ i'reintuall/ as/,'eir, f/inafly lals'ing nfyi:c in a chronic isqi/in, silnh's diaboliieallyI, and is happyy) KHAx.-Should there be chalk in my potion death is thy potion-I mean portion. .Eater the RoY#L MoNxrElT, L.R. She waha/e"s the bhlsin s/ qof the seTne, and appears aftcted, not to say unnatiral. KnAN.-Now tho king drinks to lInUar. Enter HAMLET, we/o acksnor'leCdffs the' complimfti, aild ir,'s'ires toisl priraec life amidst a brilliant shower of toothJpicl,'s. KinAx.-Oh ! (l,!/,o s.) MoESOPOT. LM.-Ah! (,Sops the hlas, ifron s'/h/ii/,yn.) KIrAN.-II has saved my life; bhut in consequence of thi discovery of a bit of choke-I mean chalk-in the royal milk, he dies. (Ballet of Executioncrs from the last axe of The Hleadless .Horseman ;" music by CorPIN'.) ROYAL UMOTHER l(at the right mnoment).-Stay, let me ose that bit of chalk ! (Seizes it-scrunches it-dicovers s80nothingy in it--weeps.) ROYAL MOTHEIR.-- The ring ! K]IAN, PRINCESS, AND EXECUTIONERn.--Oh! I see it all. Some- body stole the ring, and in his agitation l-,.:-I.p'.l .f in the lowering chalk-pits which fringe our royal dominions. .,- a. like those show us monarchs that we are but men after all, and before the rest, there is a flower that bloometh ; CoiLENSO may say what lie likes; 'T''l'Eia may do as he pleases ; CONSTANTIA Nsyu.IMI may marry til'-plrsfon unmentionable in polite circles ; May and Deceml)er can ncvi'r agro' ; M1AY dresses private theatricals capitally; BRY ANT ANI MA.Y make excellent matches, which is more than I can say of my daughter, who of course must marry the Mcsopotamian Milkman on the spot; and if our kind friends will promise not to overlook our many shortcomings, and also never to come again, why everything will be wanting to complete the felicity of the-- (Khan stlick.s.) BRILLIANT DISPLAY or FoG, And curtain comes down with paiinfdl ,, FINE-HiSS. HOLLO BOYS! WE observe that Miss ADAH MEN1Xsr has given place to Guy Mfanncring on the boards of Astley's Theatre. People must find it hard to determine which is the greater Guy of the two. MAY 20, 1865.] [MAY 20, 1865. AN AFTERNOON IN THE PARK. ROTTEN-ROW! TO THE EDITOR OF rIuN. DEAR SIR,-Rotten-row is a thing not easy to describe, and very difficult to imagine-that is, with the pen. With the pencil every- thing is easy-except to a professional artist. Who could give a word- painting of Rotten-row ? The light, the air, the motion, the green leafiness above and below that seems to pass by you as you trot or gallop Everybody knows what Rotten-row is like. But, oh! the Row is a terrible place-at least for bachelors who are impressionable. Those forms, those riding-habits, those hats, those whips, those gauntlets, and those eyes! Is not a habit a wonderful thing to see as it flutters in a gentle breeze ? Gin a body meet a body coming down the Ride; gin a body smile a body canters by her side." What is there like a gallop to dissipate the fumes of last night's ball ? And if she-ADouANGELADELLICA, or whatever her name may be-is equally au fait in the pigskin as in the deux-temps, in the saddle as in the ball-room, how your heart sinks at the inevitable Good morning " that, like death, dinner, and going to bed, must come at last. That all that is bright must fade is, I believe, one of the few observations that has never been contradicted. Few persons have dared to dissent from the doctrine that there must be an end to everything, which re- minds me that there must be a conclusion even to this article, which should have been a description of Rotten-row, and would have been had it not been for a rush of riding-habits to the head, which often affects, Feelingly yours, Youn IMPRESSIONABLE CONTRIBUTOR. Fizz Pop ! WE are informed by the French papers that one of the celebrated champagne firm of CLICQuOT is about to marry one of the almost equally well-known champagne family of the Due DE MONTEBELLO. Of course the gentleman "popped" the question with a long-necked bottle of cham to prove the truth of his affection. A NURSERY LEGEND. On, listen, little children, to a proper little song, Of a naughty little urchin who was always doing wrong; He disobeyed his mammy, and he disobeyed his dad, And he disobeyed his uncle, which was very near as bad. He wouldn't learn to cipher, and he wouldn't learn to write, And he would tear up his copy-books to fabricate a kite; And he used his slate and pencil in so barbarous a way, That the grinders of his governess got looser every day. At last he grew so obstinate that no one could contrive To cure him of the theory that "two and two is five;" And when they taught him how to spell, he showed his wicked whims By mutilating PINNOGKo and mislaying WATTs's hymns. Instead of all such pretty books (which must improve the mind) He cultivated reading of a most improper kind : Directories and Almanacks he studied on the sly, And gloated over BRADSHAW's Guide when nobody was by. With such a course of reading you can easily divine The condition of his morals at the age of eight or nine ; His tone of conversation kept becoming worse and worse, Till it scandalized his governess and horrified his nurse. He quoted bits of BRADSHAW that were quite unfit to hear, And recited scraps of almanack, no matter who was near; He spoke of Reigate Junction, and of trains both up and down, And referred to men who called themselves JoNEs, RoB Ison, and But when this wicked boy grew up, he found the proverb true, That Fate some day makes people pay for all the harm they do. He was cheated out of money by a man whose name was Buown, And got crippled in a railway smash, while riding up to town. So, little boys and little girls, take warning while you can, And profit by the misery of this unhappy man. Read DocroR WATTs and PINNocK, dears; and when you learn to spell Fight shy of guides, directories, and almanacks as well. Printed by JUDD & GLASS, 80 Fleet Street, and Phmenix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctor's Commons, and Published (for the Proprietors) by THOMAS BAKER, at 80, Fleet Street.-May 20, 1865. FUN. "'AY 27, 1865.] FUN. A BALLAD BY A BENEDICT. AIR Lucy was leaning against the dark bole Of an aspen that, tremulous, whispered above her, -:--x' And looked so bewitching, I vow, on my soul, There was naught to be done in the world but to love her ! And the sunbeams that rained on her, down through the leaves, Like a flock of gold butterflies fluttered about her; SHer eyes were that grey which so sweetly deceives- Yet it seemed an impiety almost to doubt her. The breeze, as it lifted her frolicsome curls, Seemed to love so to linger and loiter around her; I protest that I thought her the dearest of girls- The dearest ? Well, that was no more than I found her ! For when aspen and sunbeam and breeze were away, And it came to the settlement, wedding, and tuisiau, I found she was dear-by the sums I'd to pay, When it really was not quite convenient to do so. A house, where in all things her taste she displayed (Except in economy-that she'd no thought of) The costliest dresses, most gorgeously made, And trinkets the Jow-est of jewellers bought of; \ \\A carriage, an opera-box! "There is the rub" That takes all the polish off youthful romances ! I was really so very well off at the club, S 'Twas a pity I nursed matrimonial fancies. For Lrcy, while leaning against the dark bole Of the aspen that, tremulous, whispered above her, Was such a sweet picture-I vow, on my soul, I regret that I'd any ambition to move her ! THE CABINET COUNCIL. FROM Oun Own OLD TRAITOR. PAM.-Yes, that's true enough, CLARENDON, and of course a man might have got capital hedging, but practically I don't believe Kanga- roo's the ghost of a chance. By the bye-pleasure after business- Kangaroo reminds one of Australia, and Australia (naturally) reminds one of Ben LOWE, and BOR LOWE reminds one of reform. SIR CHARLES WOOD.-I cannot quite understand. PAM.-Naturally, CHARLES ; but don't interrupt. Our position isn't precisely pretty. GLADSTONE.-Personally, I should be rather inclined to say that it was disgraceful, but for three good reasons. In the first place-- RUSsELL.-Talking of places, there's a relation of mine named-let's see-oh, yes, I am obliged-named GREY, whom I should like to see employed in the public service. He is not very clever. SIR GEORGE GREY.-I beg your pardon. All the GaREYS are clever; and, my dear RUSSELL, if you once drop a hint to the contrary, what on earth is to become of the Old Whigs ? SIR CHARLES WooD.-Although I cannot altogether comprehend- THE LORD CHANCELLOR.-If any personal allusions are made to old wigs, I resign! RUSSELL.-Not a bad idea. It is always a good thing for a Cabinet to get rid of an unpopular man. PAM.-Yes, Jon, but people are not thinking much about you at present! Seriously, though, we ought to go to the country with a great cry. GRANVILLE.-And little woolsack. PAM.-Not bad-for you Between ourselves, of course, we stand to win on the Budget. RUssBELL.-Do you know, I think we ought to say something about those principles of civil and religious freedom for which a HAMPIDENx perished on the field. PAx.-And a RUSSELL lost his head! Somehow it rather runs in the family still. GLADSTONE.-It is not for me to depreciate the merits of the Budget, but I really think we want more than one cry. Three, for instance. Sin CHARLES WooD.-There's an Indian budget, by the bye- some- thing about taxing the talookdars, or the ryots-but what with COLONEL SYxKES, and what with the telegraph, and what with those Indian names which I never could understand, and what with grey shirtings and the Gulf of Calico, and banyans and howdahs-- DurK OF ARGYLL.-Thero are some excellent articles about Indialu worthies in Good Words." I writein that capital periodical myself. If you would like to hear- OMrus.-No, no. RUSSELL.-I doubt whether the public sufficiently appreciate the wisdom of our Foreign Policy. PAM.-Oh, yes, they do, JOHN-s-sufficienl. Sm GEORGE GREY.-And 1 am inclined to doubt whether the administration of justice at the iHomne Office is as popular as it deserves to be. PAM.-Oh, yes, it is, GEORnE-as it dserres to be. SIR CHARLES Wooi).-Please will somebody tell me whereabouts to look in the map for-dear, dear, I've forgotten the name of the phlac again-but you know the maps at the ollice are so big, one gets quoit confused in looking at them, and then the names are so much alike, you know, all ending in abad," or patum," and beginning with an Mf or an A, or some letter of that sort, and then LAWRlENCE writes home in the most ill-natured manner-quite unconstitutional, J call it- whenever I make the slightest error, and I wish I'd never been born, for what with LAWRENCE- PAM.-Come, come, gentlemen, order ; I take it that we go to the country on the Budget, with a promise of better behaviour in future. RlUSSELL.-And a few references to the past, surely! Thlie Test and Corporation Act, Catholic Emancipation, RIeform, Free Trade, and those principles for which- PAM.-The less we say about thlein the better, I rather fancy. No; we shall win, I believe, and for two excellent reasons. GLADSTONE.-Three !-three !-three ! PAM.-No, only two. In the first place, we have lowered the Income-tax and cheapened tea; and in the second place, although many of our number are deplorably incompetent- SIl CHARLES WooD.-Name, name! PA M.-At any rate the opposition's worse. Laudatur ab Hiss. Two persons have lately been fined forty-shillings apiece for ex- pressing their disapprobation of MuI. SIDNEY'S comic singing at EvANs's in a somewhat boisterous manner. We imagine that in future the public will have ample opportunity of hearing Ma. SmINEY (or S-s-S-S-IDNEY) perform his comiealities with a piaino-Jorty-s/dilh'y accompaniment. VOL. I. 3) Ii FUN. [MAY 27, 1865. TO PEOPLE IN SEARCH OF A THRILL. y-i HERE is nothing more com- mon than to hear blaed sensa- / >4 ) tionists complain of the utter S. lack of any exhibition or event calculated to arouse their jaded emotions. A S woman torn to pieces by ( i '. machinery, or a baby crushed
1 by an omnibus, would proba-
bly excite the necessary
emotion in the bosom of the
Ordinary sight-seer, but as
I these are events of compara-
42 -tively rare occurrence, and
events, moreover, which you
don't pay to see, they can
hardly count as a material
set-off to the national dearth
of real legitimate sensation.
But it often happens that we
who complain have the very object whose absence we lament at our
elbow. It is growing there, and is only waiting to be plucked. Take
Modern Furniture.-Brilliant toned 7-octave Cottage Pianoforte, Two fine Gallery
Paintings, The Execution of FAUNTLEROY," and The Reading of the Death
"Warrant," executed at Newgate by a convict, under sentence of death, and pre-
senited to the late LORD MAYOn KELLY ; TirPOO SAIB'S Saddle, taken at the siege
of Scringapatam ; JLarnY ABERsH.W's Pistol ; and Curiosities.
],1Rt. IIOtSTON has been Honoured with Instructions to submit to PUBLIC
COMlPERllTION, on the PREMISES, Cottage, Wimbledor-common,
Surrey, TO-MORROW (Wednesday), May 17, at One o'clock, the HOUSEHOLD
t"UliNITUItE and EFFECTS, comprising iron bedsteads and furniture, feather
beli and bedding, mahogany chests of drawers, and the usual chamber appendages,
rosewood, loo, and other tables, couches, easy chairs, and sets of chairs, book-case,
chifllbniere, Brussels carpets and rugs, chimney-glasses, engravings, about twelve
dozen of wines, a handsome double and two single-barrel guns, fishing-rods and
tackle, two capital hives of bees, and numerous useful effects.-On view. Catalogues
had at the Offices of the Auctioneer, 14, Thorne-road, South Lambeth, S.
Now there is a house to have dined at! Think of the after-dinner
ramble through this gloomy museum of horrors! Think of the thrill
that a touch of the trigger of JERRY's pistol would have sent through
your enervated body. Think of the quiver which would have wrung
your withers for you as you gloated over The Execution of FAUNTLE-
tov," and the "Reading of the Death Warrant," executed at Newgate,
by a convict-also executed at Newgate, but by a hangman! The
gibbet painted by a man who had probably had nothing else before
his eyes for weeks-who had no doubt strained his mental eyeballs to
their fullest tension in order to realize to the utmost the grim spectacle
in which he was so shortly to figure as first tragedian! Then the
MILLAISES, mind you, people who have probably had no better oppor-
tunity of realizing such a scene than your grandmother, but by a
man who has actually had a death warrant read to h imn, and who is, there-
fore, as good an authority on the hideous emotions the operation is
calculated to arouse as any man could well be expected to be. Then
the "curiosities What an ugly word, coming as it does imme-
diately after these works of art and this pistol of JERuY AERSHAW's !
We see the six-inch bits of stout, stiffened-horribly stiffened-rope,
the second-hand manacles, the clothes in which a murderer was
hanged, the life-preserver with the hair and dry blood still sticking
to it, the knife with the dusky red stuff in the crevices of the handle
and in the indentations in the blade; a murderer's hand in pickle at
one end of the mantel-piece and the stomach of a poisoned wife as an
appropriate pendant at the other. And finally the house itself, situated
as it is on Wimbledon Common, and chosen, no doubt, in the first
instance, because it commanded a full view of JERRY ABERSHAw as he
swung in chains with the fat crows circling over his decomposing
And as a foil to all this we have twelve dozen of wine, fishing-rods
and tackle, and two capital hives of bees! It sounds odd at first to
hear this rural properties" bracketed with execution pictures and
the paraphernalia of highwaymen, and it is difficult to see what any
man who could take a pleasure in one of these groups could possibly
have wanted with the other. But, after all, fishing is unobjectionable
only when the fish are put quickly out of their misery, and there is
some physical analogy between a trout dangling at the end of a line
and a man dangling at the end of a rope. And the time must come
when the bees must be smothered with sulphur fumes, and we can
imagine the spirited proprietor carrying out the usual formula with
all the burial-service accessories of a Newgate execution.
By this time the sale is over, the contents of this Chamber of Horrors
are dispersed, and each sensation article is perhaps destined to form

the nucleus of another gallery of a cognate description. People in
search of a thrill should find out the purchasers; they will probably be
worth cultivating in time.

THE DRAMA AT THE MUSIC HALL.
UNDER THE NEW PERMISSIVE BILL.
SCENE.-In front a music-hall. In the middle, a prosenium. At the
back, interior of the tent of BRvTUS, in the eamp near Sardis. B1UTUS
and CAssIus inside; outside, gents, and snobs of both sexes, and waiters
rushing about with liquors and collations.
CASSIUs.-That you have wronged me doth appear in this.
(Proceeds).
GENT (infront).-Here, waiter, I ordered a chop, and you've brought
me a Welsh rabbit. Wish you'd keep your bees'-wax to polish your
furniture.
CAssIus.-In such a time as this, it is not meet
That every nice offence should bear his comment.
GENT (IAo. 2).-Remember the waiter, indeed! What, after two-and-
ninepence for a chop and stout ?
BRUTUS.- You, yourself,
Are much condemned to have an itching palm.
GENT.-Two sixes of gin, 'ot!
CAssIus.-You know that you are BRUTUS that speak thus,
Or, by the gods, this speech were else your last.
GENT.-NOW do look at this steak! Why, it's really raw--raw, sir!
BRUTus.-Did not great JunLus bleed for justice sake ?
GENT.-Oh, here-come, you know. This is slow, I shall step
CASSIUS.- You forget yourself
To hedge me in.
'AnnY.-Oh, 'ang it, you know! Don't go yet. Sit still, and let's
have another whisky and worter.
CASSIUS.-Urge me no more; I shall forget myself.
Have mind upon your health; tempt me no further.
WAITER.-Two sixes is fourteen, rabbit, twenty; here's your change,
sir.
CAssrus.-Ye gods ye gods Must I endure all this ?
GENT.-Wish they'd do something. Why don't they fight, or
tumble, or dance, or sing ? I never see such a couple of dreary muffs.
Why, I'd do it better myself.
BInUTUs.-Let it appear so, make your vaunting true,
And it shall please me well. For mine own part
I shall be glad to learn of noble men.
(Symptoms of discontent among the audience. Derisive cheers, hisses, and
cries of Of of," and Cut it short.")
CASSIUS (cutting it short in deference to public sentiment).-Oh,
BRUTus !
BRUTus.-What's the matter ?
(Yells and frantic display of disapprobation by the audience. Curtain falls
to avoid a riot.)
FACETIOUS VISITOn.-Hor-ther Hor-ther!
.Enter Burroox, amid loud cheering.
AUDIENCE.-Hooray! it's all right! 'Ere's NEDDY BRAY !
(Neddy Bray dances .. ., singing to the air of The Cure.")
You see as 'ere we are;
I'll sing to you, to make amends,
The life of Jools Ce-sar.
The Hemp'r of the French, you know,
To prove himself a par
With history's greatest coves, has wrote
His Wee de Jools Cc-sar!
De Jools Ce-sar-har-ar-har-har,
(Leaps ten feet high at each syllable.)
IIis wee de Jools Ce-sarx;
(Turns a somersault in the air.)
Oh, bless his jolly Roman nose,
And that of Jools Ce-sar !
(Spoken, Oh, scissors ")
(Enthusiastic applause, and shouts of Stunnin' from the audience.
Scene closes.)

MAy 27, 1865.]

F UN.

SOLEMN city men and spinsters,
Dwelling in Belgravian bowers,
Undefiled by foot of ours.
Call us vagabonds or Chartists-
Any ugly name comes pat-
Call us everything but artists;
Mind you never call us tcat!
It's an easy thing to judge us,
Yet it seems to me a shame
That you model-folk should grudge us
Both our failings and our fame.
Harping upon faults for ever,
Can't you find a higher prize
Than the epitaph of Clever!"
When a man of genius dies ?
our paths are somewhat rougher
Than the paths cut out for you,
And our tradesmen have to suffer
If occasionally BACCHUS
Helps APOLLO guide the pen,
You should pity-not attack us,
You untempted city men.
If, when mirth and music kindle
What is best in each and all,
We should let the night-hours dwindle
Ere the mirth and music pall-
If our parties never break up
Why, of course we often wake up
When the lambs are off to bed.
Art, perhaps, may lessen slightly
Our belief in L. S. D.,
But it binds us pretty tightly
In its own freemasonry.
Farewell, city men and spinsters;
See that never foot of ours
Press the costly Kidderminsters

FROM OUR STALL.
WHEN the names of MESSRS. BROUGH and HALLIDAY appear in con-
nection with a new and original farce, we, who go pretty often to the
theatre, know that the new and original farce in question is not to be
criticized by those stern rules of probability and dramatic unity with
which we are accustomed to test the plot of a three-act comedy. We
go prepared to feel no surprise when we see a tyrannical old guardian
bonnetted by a saucy lady's-maid in his own employ; and we agree
to look upon such an incident as a total stranger walking into a re-
spectable city magnate's drawing-room, and taking the magnate in
question for his own butler, as a domestic event of every-day occur-
rence, on a par as to probability with the mistaking another man's hat
for your own on leaving a house after a dinner party. With these
dramatic twins nothing appears so probable as that a policeman in a
tablecloth should be mistaken for an apparition, except, perhaps, that
when an honest and otherwise respectable gentleman loses his clothes
at an hotel he should break open the first portmanteau he comes across,
and dress himself up in the jockey-clothes of its proprietor. But these
"situations," obtained though they be at the expense of social proba-
bility, are always amusing, and in the laugh with which we recognize
the difficulties into which MR. TOOLE's unpardonable behaviour in-
variably drags him, we forget the serious demands which they have
made upon our credulity in order to bring about the necessary com-
plication of events.
MEssRS. BROUGCH and HIALLIDA'S last farce, Up Stairs and Down
Stairs, produced last week at the Strand Theatre, is as improbable and
withal as laughable as the Area Belle and The Steeple Chase. One Sir
Leicester Squaretoes resolves to abolish the system of percentages in
his household, and informs his servants of his determination, to the
intense disgust of the establishment in general, and of one Snipper, a
footman, in particular. Snipper has a taste for cheap novel-reading,
and becoming imbued with the spirit of the London Journal and other
periodicals of a similar description, cheats himself into the belief
that he is the long-lost son of a duke. Sir Leicester overhears his
flunkey describing his probable origin to the lady's-maid, and with
the view of curing him of his romantic folly he informs Snipper that

he (Sir Leicester) turns out to be a usurper, and thai SnippiT is the
rightful owner of the property that has hitherto been lholked upon as
Sir Leicester's. Upon this Snipper calls the servants together, informs
them of the change in his condition, and announces his intention of
disallowing peo--ointq-o from tradesmen to servants. 11e thln pro-
ceeds to make I..-. t... Leicester's daughter, upon which Sir I ,ieester
is driven to the humiliating confession that it was all a joke. We
confess that our sympathies were throughout with the servants, and
we rejoiced when we found their contemptible master utterly diumib-
foundered by Snipper's behaviour to his daughter. May all baronets
who condescend to play practical jokes on their own ilunkeys mnet
with as severe a punishment! Whether the result of his maimwuvr''s
was to check the system of extortionin his family, whether he retained
in his establishment the flunkey who had kissed his daughter, whether
Snipper ceased to consider himself the heir to a dukedom, and, if he
did, what it mattered, are questions which are not satisfactorily
decided. But as the dialogue is good, the situations funny, and
the acting of 3Mi. TOOLE as the self-possesseRd tunkey all that could
be desired, it will be understood that the mystery in which these
questions were shrouded detracted in no way from the perfect success
of the piece.
What a time this is for revivals! Higiqh Life' Below Stairs at the
Olympic; the Mtiller's laiauhter at the lavymarket; Mit. STuimNO
COYNr's capital comedy, Et'erylbodtl's Frieenl, at the Olympic; (/1u
aiclnnering, The Beggar's Opera, and 3Midas at Astley's ; Jnll Ci sar de
Bazan at the Lyceum ; Fazio at the Adelphi; and (tmuts at Dr)ury Lane.
By the bye, M. GIOVANELLI, the proprietor of llighbury Barn, has i
done much to improve the taste of the dancing-tavorn public by
opening his new theatre, the "Alexandra," at llighbury. Of matters
connected with his now venture we will speak next week.
It cannot be too, generally known, wo are sure, that Mt. Aiiruui
SKETCHLEY, who has for some weeks boon incapacitated by severe
hoarseness from relating the misfortunes of the immortal Mrs.
Brown, has again taken up that injured female's case, and the
Egyptian Hall is once more thronged with enthusiastic sympathizers.

--4---
WE are happy to be able to furnish a prophetic report of the debat
that will take place on the motion for adjourning over Dierby day.
Lonn PALMERSTON.--I ris, sir (laughter) to move (mure/ I,/i /eHrl i
that this House shall adjourn (roars of lactiqiter) over ltDerbyy day.
(Loud and long continued lttaiyhter, in which the noblc lord /lirtit/
joined.)
Mu. DISRAELI.-Sir, there ar times when tihe genius of a free people
rises superior to the trammels of faction and the claims of party;
when the voice of the whole nation can be heard in no discordant i
accents and with no uncertain utterance. In seconding thi motion, I
would avoid all reference to questions that can provoke dispute. I
will not hint that family affection, excellent in a private citizen, may
occasionally be indiscreet in a Lord Chancellor ; nor will I taunt the
noble lord with being a minister on sufferance, a mere man in posses-
sion, placed by the opposition on the Treasury bench. No!
MAI. oElmLUcc.-Sir, I cannot forget that I represent the people of
England. Sir, I am the watch-dog Tear-'em." Sir, has this house
forgotten, or is its ignorance so gross (cries o/'" Ohi oh ")-I' repeat
the expression-so gross, frightful, and admirably infamous, that it
disregards the fact that a prominent favourite for the 1 Derby is a French
horse ? Oh, England, miy country! Oh, Sholflild, my constituency !
I warn this House to beware. My sentiments and modes of expression
may perhaps be peculiar (loud and general cries o'f /lar, /ttar "); but
I warn you that you stand on the brink of a volcano, and that the
agents of a foreign despot are undermining the integrity of tlihe
British turf.
Mu. WInALLEY wished, before the question was put, to ask whether
information had been received to the effect that a horse belonging to
an eminent English Protestant was in danger of being poisoned by the
emissaries of the Propaganda; also, whether it was true that certain
Jesuits had been tampering with the religious opinions of F'OIIIuAM
and CUSTANCE; also, whether it was intended to bring in a bill making
ifl i1.- i1 for a Iteman Catholic to recover a bet from a Protestant; also,
-. *i. in case Gladiateur won, the stakes wouldbe given to the next
Protestant horse ?
Mit. T. B. POTTER.-Sir, I stand in thoplace of a great man ; and I
enter my protest against any delay of legislation for the sake of
allowing the pampered oligarch, the greasy bishop, and the ruffian
squire to attend a spectacle from which it is notorious that the middle
and lower classes of this country are systematically excludiled.
MI. Cox.-Werry well put, POTTER (Cries of Ord(r !")
Sin GEOROE GRE;Y Ihaving answered MR. WlIALLEY'S questions in
the negative, the motion was agreed to, and

13 I

14 FU N. [MAY 27, 1865.

FORM, RIFLEMEN, FORM

Energetic Oficer (quite equal to the emergency) :-" PiarA E TO RECEITE CAVALRY !"
(And the gallant fellows were "ready."

THE NEW MAHOMET.

BY A PARTY FROM ALL-JEERS.

DARK folks MAnoMErT'S come to the mountain!
On my manoeuvres there's no counting !
I found these Arabs a queerish nation,
So I've come down here for their education.
(IWalks round.)
I'm the novel lIAHOMET, oh!
I'm the latest MAHOOMET Out!
I'm the last new lAIAOMENrT-m0e voil !
I'm Louis MAHOMET, oh !
(Strikes an attitude.)
Dark folks am you a-regardin' ob dis Arab ?

I'm a Riddle-y card there's no denying-
It's hard to see at what I'm trying;
But as moonshine's my little game at present,
I'm throwing new light with the ancient crescent.
(WFalks round the Algerians.)
I'm the fated 3MAHOMET, oh!
The destined MAHOMET, oh !
I'm the new French MAHOMET-me viola !
I'm Louis AIAHOMET, oh!
(Strikes another attitude.)
Dark folks! am you a-realizing ob dis prophet ?

A MAN OF POSITION.
OH, these advertisements! They'll be the death of us if we don't
take care.
A YOUNG single GENTLEMAN, of good position, keeping his brougham, saddle
horses, and grooms, is desirous of meeting with a family of similar position in
London, to whom he ciuld offer the free use of the above, in exchange for PARTIAL
BOARD and cheerful SOCIETY. References exchanged. Address M. A., Crosby-
villa, Twickenham.
Now, what in the world can a young single gentleman who can
afford to keep brougham, horses, and grooms, want in a shabby genteel
boarding-house ? And how is it that, being able to keep brougham,
horses, and grooms, he can't afford to pay for his bread and beef,
and beer and bed, in recognized coin ? The expenses of his carriage
and stud must, at the most moderate computation, and taking the
plurals "horses" and "grooms" to signify two, only, of each, be as
follows:-
Brougham ........ per week 3 3 0
Two saddle horses.. .... ,, 5 5 0
Two grooms .... .... ,, 2 2 0

10 10 0
Besides liveries and tips. And this Croesus of good position, whose
livery-stable bill is at the very least ten guineas a week, pants for ad-
mission into the bosom of a family because he wants friends. What
has he done that he is reduced to these straits to gain admission into
what he is pleased to term "society?" Let every shabby-genteel
family, whose perceptions are likely to be blinded by having a
brougham and horses and grooms thrown into their eyes, ask them-
selves that question, before they close with the young gentleman of
good position.

]F p 1 IN.-MAY 27, 18G5.

MAHOMET, AL-LAH FRANCHISE,
OR, THE NEW KOREAN.